A group of families using our wonderful homeschooling program that makes it possible for this chronically ill mom to still bless my children with a quality, Biblically-grounded education even when we are "bed-schooling" many days.

Friday, November 16, 2012

What The Camera Can't Capture

Today I am thinking of the glory of sunrise, pale in comparison with the mental picture I'm about to describe, but the closest to what a camera can actually capture. My daughter asked me the other day about my favorite time of day, and I would have to say early morning now (a total reversal of the time of day I most dreaded, early in stroke recovery).

I have rarely shared the following story with anyone. Never before, online, except for in a private stroke forum, just last night. I share it now, with a measure of trepidation, for I know once my thought are "out there," there will be no way to take them back, reel them in and make them mine alone again. As I told my pastor (when I finally got brave enough to tell even him, just recently), I have been quite shy about all this for the past year.

I tried to share with a select few, early on, and I received a couple of less-than-positive receptions for my thoughts, so I felt it better to keep my experience to myself after that. I have held this knowledge close to my heart, as a personal and valued treasure, and feared other's reactions if I shared it. I feel God saying, now is the time to speak. This is not my timing (I was going to wait until the publication of my of my stroke book), but God is strongly impressing upon my heart His better plan. Since it is really much more about Him than me, I can't stay silent any longer. Today, I share with you, not in sensationalism, but in humility:

When
I had my first two, most serious strokes, I could not move, speak,
hear, open my eyes, or in any way communicate with the world around me. I
knew I was in bad shape, had heard the beginning of the 911 call being
placed before I lapsed into unconsciousness, and we have pieced together
that the following experience must have taken place just after I was
loaded into the ambulance, when EMTs were trying to get any response
from me but I could not hear them and was unable to respond at all. (It is possible that it happened anywhere in the next 6 hours I remained unresponsive, or even in the following week when I was technically "councious" but have little to no memory, but to my mind, I place what seemed to be only a sliver of time, a moment, in the ambulance before the ride to the hospital, possibly because I have no memory of the other events. I guess it is rather impossible to place a timeless event within the context of our known limits of time and space!) My
body was significantly posturing, I was not expected to make it to the
hospital alive, and my situation was terribly fragile and precarious.

I, very vividly, consciously and lucidly, remember "waking up" and
thinking through my senses one by one, looking for any response from my
body or clue to what was happening to me. I could not feel, move, speak,
see or hear anything. In fact, I had no sensation of being connected to
my body in any way. I was rational enough to presume I was in an ambulance, for
though I could not see, and had no knowledge of the EMTs arrival (other
than previously hearing that they were being called), my very first
awareness was sensing (not "seeing") the shifting of light when, I
presume, the ambulance door shut.I had no other connection with my
body but I knew enough of what had just happened (even though I
lacked explanation of what had happened and the word "stroke" wasn't
even remotely on my radar at the time) to know I was physically in dire straights and that I was likely
on some form of life support.

One of the first coherent thoughts, that I would have
shouted out as a statement if I could was, "Don't pull the plug! I'm
still here." Before even one wave of panic could overtake me, I was filled with such
profound peace! I heard music (remember, I was totally deaf, and remained
so to anything happening around me) unlike anything I had ever heard
before - so beautiful! And while every other memory from the next
several weeks remains vague and shadowy, most have slipped away all
together, this one is crystal clear and bathed in golden light.
I have always before wondered about and somewhat feared death, but after
this near-death experience, I felt cheated and angry that I had
survived and was suicidal for about 6 months (I just wanted to hurry up
and get to Heaven, now that I had a foretaste) until my husband
challenged me that if God wasn't finished with His plan for my life here
on earth yet, neither should I be. I still feel great excitement and
eagerness for Eternity, but I am much more willing to bide my time here
on earth now.

Anyway, after being challenged to find and fulfill God's purpose for my
days on earth, it became evident to me that as wonderful as Heaven
is (and I already got a sneak peak, that was so wonderful that I am
ever-so anxious to find out more!) that Hell must be just as awesome in
terror. I promised God that I would spend the days assigned to me to
help anyone who would listen to avoid such fate, for I cannot even
imagine the horror.

So with that background in mind (I know how like a lunatic my experience must sound), you can see why I'm passionate about
my views.

I believe that there is only one God, Jesus Christ. That to
believe Him, I must abide by what He says, namely that He alone is God
and there is no other, that He is the only way to the Father and that
many paths are inviting, but only one leads to eternal life.

I believe that we are all born as sinners, separated from God, and the
only remedy to clear us of our guilt, is acceptance of the death and resurrection of Jesus, the only sinless man ever to live.

It is not through doing enough (or any) right or good things, but by simple faith
that God is who He says He is and did what He said He did. It isn't
just about believing the facts, but taking them to heart. If I tell you a
chair can hold my weight, I can tell you that all day, but it really
means nothing until I exercise that belief by taking my body and
actually sitting in that chair to show us both that I believe what I
say, that I am willing to act upon what I say is true. It is like that
with God too. I can say He exists and maybe even say I'm willing to see
the work of His hand in my life, but until the "good works" I do are
because of my love for Him, an expression of my adoration and acknowledgement of all He has already given for me, not in effort to earn
forgiveness or grace, they mean nothing. As Scripture says, such works
are as useless as filthy rags!

OK, getting off my pulpit now.
Don't worry, I'm not likely to try
and cram these beliefs down anyone's throat, but it is clear exactly
where I stand now. I wish you all peace (the intense kind, like I found
in that ambulance) as you explore these issues for yourselves. Feel free
to leave a comment or email me - jsaake AT yaohoo DOT com - if you want to talk more specifics. I, for sure, am not an
expert and don't pretend to have all the answers, but I'm happy to share
what I am convinced about and explore questions to keep on learning!

Here are a few videos I posted, mostly songs related to my thoughts surrounding this post. Here are my growing collection of images that semi-capture a tiny bit of my emotions surrounding my memories.--------------------------------------------
Today I am thankful for the gift of this amazing experience!

6 comments:

Anonymous
said...

You are very normal. Whomever had unkind words clearly doesn't know you. If they did, they would know that inside you are one of the sweetest people I have ever met. This stroke hasn't changed who we are just what we can do.

I wanted to tell you that your testimony about music is what struck me the most. My best friend (and maid of honor at our wedding) died while my husband and I were honeymooning. At first I was in shock, but when the shock dulled down, anger took over. I was mad at God for taking away such a beautiful friend. She was only 17 years old, and had a life full of pain (molested and abused as a child, on top of having had two heart surgeries since the age of three or four), yet she was SO full of joy and life. Her heart problems were the ultimate cause of her death. I missed her SO much, and peoples' confirmation of her new heavenly dwelling did nothing to comfort me.

What did comfort me, though, were three things (interesting that God would use three things to comfort me, now that I think about it). Two were books; one was a dream. The first book (and only one with a title I remember) was "Till We Have Faces," by C.S. Lewis (the last book he wrote - check it out!) and another book about how obsessed God is with us... how much He loves and adores us.

Then, there was the dream. My friend, Amber, was there, and she was telling me not to be so sad. I asked her what it was like, and she said, "It's AMAZING, and the music - can you hear it?" I faintly heard it, and bent toward her... the sound was radiating from her still. It was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard, and it filled my heart with a peace I'd only felt few times before... an intense peace, like you said. :) I just wanted you to know... you're not the only one who's ever been struck by the majestic sound of a heavenly chorus... and no, you're not a lunatic. :)

I love hearing about near-death experiences. Mine was a little different. I had the peace and calmness that lasted for days, if not weeks. I was out of my body in the worst part of my stroke. I don't remember a lot about my ambulance ride. I know that I probably died, but can't remember what it was like, but I was changed by it. I guess I wasn't supposed to remember. I had the feeling of angels around me for weeks after my stroke. Very comforting. I'm not afraid to die, but I'm certainly not ready to go yet! Jan

Thanks for sharing this and thank you for trusting me to have shared this with me in the past. What a joy to see you finding your calling here on earth and watching you settle peacefully into it. Your faith in Jesus is so real and visible. Longing with you for eternity and walking with you on our earthy paths. Kathy H.

This is beautiful! My mom started having strokes in her early 40s and has been in two comas. My hope while she was"away" was that she was comfortable and at peace. She never mentioned an experience like yours, but my grandmother did. She had been afraid to die before her experience; afterward she was totally at peace with it. Thank you for sharing, and praise God for your ministry!

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