as a teenage victim/survivor of serial killer clifford olson (employed, raped, choked, but not killed - 1977), it has taken me over 30 years to overcome the many emotional and spiritual diseases he infected me with.

the worst was the hatred.

because i hated him so much, i was unable to even consider forgiving him, until i realized the HATE was killing ME.... not HIM.

with lots of help from religious family and friends, i spent hours praying and crying for god to give me the strength and wisdom to finally put this behind me, and forgive the man who raped me. NOT for what he did to the other victims, but for what he did TO ME.

i was incapable of letting go of the hatred which had motivated and fueled my life for three decades.

i was only trying to forgive him because it was impossible to kill him (he was in protective custody in a maximum security prison),and I was tired and frustrated by this impotent rage, which could not be acted out. plus... by studying the bible for some time, it became obvious to me that forgiveness was a necessary step toward true joy. i had murder in my heart, and it was coming between me and my creator.

all my adult life, i had prayed for olson's death. I DID NOT WANT TO DIE BEFORE HIM. i wanted to live in a world without him.

god did not answer those prayers. i started to hate god, government, man, and myself.

but, eventually, one night, i finally, truly, sincerely begged god to let me forgive Olson. after a fitful session of sweat and anxiety, it came in a flash... HE WAS A CHILD OF GOD and HE WAS GOD'S PROBLEM... NOT MINE. GOD WILL JUDGE HIM. NOT ME.

I RESIGNED AS GENERAL MANAGER OF THE UNIVERSE. as soon as I handed in my resignation, it became obvious that I NEVER HAD THE JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE!! it became clear to me that Anger was nothing more than Fear with a mask. the things we Fear the most, have already happened to us. Fear was the merely the absence of Love.

it was as if a million tons of manure was lifted from my back. thirty years of therapy had only taught me survival... NOW for the first time in my memory, i felt freedom, like i was flying.

NEVER BEFORE had I felt unconditional love and the presence of the holy spirit. i cried tears of joy, not pain.

i got out of bed and turned on my computer to send an email home to my family in Canada ( I was visiting relatives in Germany ).

the newsfeed on my computer literally jumped off the screen with the headline "CLIFFORD OLSON DEAD". it was Sept 30, 2011. he died the same day i forgave him!!

it only took me 35 years.

35 YEARS OF WASTED HATRED!35 YEARS OF IMPOTENT RAGE! 35 YEARS OF POISON EMOTION! 35 YEARS OF RIGHTEOUS WRATH! 35 YEARS OF REVENGE FANTASY! 35 YEARS OF UNHEALTHY ANXIETY!

all i did was hurt myself and the people i love.

this is a true story. so I don't care if you believe me.

JUST REMEMBER LOVE IS LIFE, AND HATE IS LIVING DEATH.TREAT YOUR LIFE FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, AND LIVE FOR EVERY BREATH. -Black Sabbath

_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

Then, 10 years after he was dead, my daughter tells me my father molested her when she was young maybe 7. Now I have to do this forgiveness thing all over again. This is tough.

i feel you.

i have to renew my commitment to forgiveness quite regularily. you can't ignore your emotions. it takes time to overcome one's first gut instinct reaction to such horrible revelation. my immediate response is outrage and anger. it really bothers me that innocent children are abused and i can't be there to protect them. it seems so unfair that often the victim suffers in silence, and the perpetrator escapes exposure, confrontation, or prosecution. then i have to go back to step 1 all over again, because, as in your story, there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX OR PREVENT IT, and i cannot stand the lack of power or justice. all i can do is pray for you and your family. (believe me, i know how lame that sounds) my heart goes out to you.

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.