Last Stop: This Town

Everyone knows... fun rules!

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1998: Natalie Imbruglia

In the history of mankind, has there ever been a more adorable girl than Natalie Imbruglia in the "Torn" video? Of course not, what a silly question. With her adorable doe eyes and her adorable haircut and her adorable Australian accent that pops up when she sings "floor" and her adorable dance moves at the end of the video. So adorable!

Post-Torn thumbs-up: With long hair, she went from adorable to just plan gorgeous. Kind of like a thinner, less lippy Angelina Jolie.

Post-Torn thumbs-down: Her acting career never really took off. And now she judges The X Factor in Australia rather than focusing on her own music. Which is kind of like a failed athlete becoming a gym teacher.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1997: Serena Altschul (MTV News)

Watching MTV for its news coverage is a bit like reading Playboy for its articles: somewhat entertaining, but almost entirely unnecessary. That all changed with the arrival of Serena Altschul in the mid-90s. She injected beauty into a group of otherwise unattractive correspondents (Tabitha Soren, John Norris, Kurt Loder). And she was actually a good newscaster! Looks and talent... what a rare combo on MTV.

Post-MTV News thumbs-up: She helped create True Life, which is still going strong. Then she managed to get jobs with CNN and CBS News. Respectability!

Post-MTV News thumbs-down: She just turned 40 last month. 40! How is that possible?!?

Monday, October 25, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1996: Charlize Theron (2 Days in the Valley)

My father and I generally do not have the same taste in women. But leaving the theater together after seeing 2 Days in the Valley, we were both Charlize fans for life. What warm-blooded heterosexual male wouldn't be after watching the catfight scene between her and Teri Hatcher?

Post-2 Days thumbs-up: She's an A-list Hollywood star, she won an Oscar, and she even made time to appear on 5 episodes of Arrested Development. Plus I got to meet her in 2005 when I was working on TRL, and she's one of the most stunning women I've ever seen in person.

Post-2 Days thumbs-down: I got nothing. She's as perfect as she ever was.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1995: Famke Janssen (GoldenEye) / Salma Hayek (Desperado)

Another tie. And it could've been a threesome with Natasha Henstridge. Yeah, in my dreams...

What a year for hot film debuts. But I had to go for the foreigners. In one corner with got Famke from the Netherlands, playing Xenia Onatopp (awesome Bond name) who kills men in bed by scissoring them to death. In the other is Salma from Mexico, playing Antonio Banderas's damsel-in-distress. Two very different roles. Two very different backgrounds. The same reaction from my loins.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1994: Lisa Loeb

Long before Tina Fey made glasses cool, Lisa Loeb was the posterchild for nerd-chic. She won over so many hearts with her video for "Stay." Including mine. And probably Ethan Hawke... he discovered her, got her song on the Reality Bites, and directed the "Stay" video. I'm guessing they were more than just "friends."

Post-"Stay" thumbs-up: 16 years later, she looks almost exactly the same. Plus she's still a credible, if not commercially-viable, artist.

Post-"Stay" thumbs-down: Her albums don't sell a damn thing. And despite a clever title, her reality dating show #1 Single was kind of a disaster.

Thumbs-up story: One of my good friends went to Brown University with Lisa, and I got to meet her at his birthday party a few years ago. She and I spent a good hour talking, during which time she laughed at my jokes, seemed impressed that I wrote for Cash Cab, and compared me to Duncan Sheik (which is a good thing in her world). I really thought I was in the midst of a successful woo...

Thumbs-down story: Until her boyfriend (now husband) showed up at the end of the night to take her home on his motorcycle. Bah!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1993: Patricia Arquette (True Romance)

I recently watched a documentary about the Nightmare on Elm Street series, and apparently the entire cast and crew had a crush on Patricia Arquette when they filmed Dream Warriors. Clearly I was a few years late, because I didn't notice her until 6 years later. Amazing that she managed to stay hot throughout True Romance despite getting beaten to a bloody pulp by a then-unknown James Gandolfini. I guess it helps that she spends half the movie wearing just a bra.

Post-Romance thumbs-up: She's been in a few good movies here and there. Plus her boobs kept getting bigger... I don't think that bra would be sufficient anymore.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1992: Josie Bissett (Melrose Place)

I know, I know... another blonde star from a campy Fox drama. Yawn. What can I say? It was a phase when I had a very specific type. But clearly so did the rest of America, because Fox kept putting these women on the air, and people kept watching. So of the many, MANY hotties to live in Melrose Place, Jane was the tops. What, you thought I was gonna pick Kimberly and her freak scar? I don't think so...

Post-Melrose thumbs-up/down: I'm lumping them together, because they're the same. After I stopped watching Melrose, I don't think I laid eyes on her once. I know she's worked... just not in anything I've ever seen. So the memories and the reruns will have to suffice.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1991: Jennie Garth / Christine Elise (Beverly Hills, 90210)

I know, I'm kind of cheating by picking two. And if I had to choose just one, it'd be Jennie Garth, no question. But when Christine blew onto the show in the 2nd season as crazy, euphoria-loving, suicidal pyromaniac Emily Valentine... well, she had me. But like her stint on 90210, my crush on her was fleeting, while my crush on Jennie endures to this day.

Post-90210 thumbs-up: She's been a staple on TV, albeit in nothing that I watch (the Amanda Bynes sitcom, the new 90210). Post-90210 thumbs-down: Nothing that I can think of. She's still got it!

Christine Post-90210 thumbs-up: A year on ER, some long-forgotten Fox show about firefighters, and that's about it. Christine Post-90210 thumbs-down: As I said, that's about it for her career. Als she went back to her natural dark hair color, which isn't nearly as appealing.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes1990: Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (Saved by the Bell)

Ah, Kelly Kapowski. Why couldn't you have gone to my high school? I had to settle for riding the bus with Mary Carey... which I guess wasn't all bad. But I digress. During Saved by the Bell's heyday, I was squarely on Team Zack, as I think most people were. Kelly deserved better than that lamewad A.C. Slater. But deep down I thought Kelly deserved me. After all, I would never bug her room to hear what she was saying about me, or use subliminal messages to get her to like me. Or would I...?

Post-SbtB thumbs-up: Two words: boob job.

Post-SbtB thumbs-down: Her acting career is essentially DOA. And she used to date Brian Austin Green, which means she could never date me, because that would just be weird for her to date two guys with the same name. Damn him!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1989: Kim Basinger (Batman)*

You can debate how to pronounce her name: BASE-in-ger, BASS-in-ger, BASE-in-jer, or BASS-in-jer (the first is correct). You cannot, however, debate how gorgeous she was. I know she was already a sex symbol at this point, but Batman was my first real exposure to her. At the end of the movie, when she was kissing all up on the Joker on the roof of the cathedral, it's no wonder he had such a big smile on his face.

Post-Batman thumbs-up: Sex scenes in The Getaway, a memorable role as a corpse in Tom Petty's video for "Mary Jane's Last Dance," an Oscar for L.A. Confidential, and immortalization in The Simpsons.Post-Batman thumbs-down: a nasty divorce from Alec Baldwin, a relationship with Prince (why do women think he's sexy?), a bankruptcy filing after she bought a small town in Georgia for some reason, and a dwindling acting career. But at least she definitely still has her looks!

* Note: this is the second year in a row that my choice was from a Tim Burton-directed, Michael Keaton-starring film. Those guys were on fire in the late 80s!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1988: Winona Ryder (Beetlejuice)

When I was in 5th grade, I was OBSESSED with Beetlejuice. During Christmas break that year, I watched it every single day. Without a doubt, I've seen it more than any other movie in my lifetime. What's the appeal? Well, there's Michael Keaton's brilliantly unhinged performance, there's the surreal film styling that only Tim Burton can achieve, and there's Winona Ryder. Not even the dark goth makeup and wardrobe could hide her beauty.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1987: Nicole Eggert (Charles in Charge)

In 1987, Charles in Charge made a major cast overhaul, replacing the lame Pembroke family with the feisty Powell family. The move not only brought more of the funny, it brought Nicole Eggert to my attention. Suddenly Buddy Lembeck's wacky antics were no longer the main reason to watch. Nicole got hotter and hotter with each passing season. It almost made being a male nanny seem like a desirable profession. Almost.

Post-Charles thumbs-up: 1992. That was the year Eggert had sex scenes in the Haimster / Feldog debacle Blown Away and joined the cast of Baywatch.

Post-Charles thumbs down: She was a contestant on Celebrity Fit Club this year. At least she was the thinnest cast member...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1986: Mia Sara (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

Every guy wanted to be Ferris Bueller. And every guy wanted to date Sloane Peterson. How could you not? She's the prototypical beautiful, all-American girl-next-door. I wonder if she and Ferris ended up getting married. Or maybe she ended up with Cameron... that'd be cool, as I'm much more a Cam than a Ferris. It would give me hope.

Post-Ferris thumbs-up: She had a sex scene in Timecop, fulfilling a decade-long dream of countless warm-blooded males.Post-Ferris thumbs down: It was with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Eesh.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes

1985 - Sherilyn Fenn (Just One of the Guys)

When I was growing up,HBO would air Just One of the Guys ALL THE TIME. Like, 3 times a day, every day. And I'm sure I'm not the only guy who watched it over and over. Mostly because of The Scene. You know which one I'm talking about...

But the true MVP of the film was Sherilyn Fenn. She played Sandy, the hot, slutty girl who gave Terry the kissing fish. So hot. Sadly her career never really took off, aside from a major role in Twin Peaks, tons of random TV appearances, and playing the armless & legless lead in Boxing Helena. And HBO hardly ever plays this movie anymore. But she definitely left her mark on me.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Chronology of Celebrity Crushes 1984 - Madonna

I know, what a cliche to have Madonna as my first celebrity crush. But I was 5, and I didn't know any better. Still, that boy-toy dumpster-diver look was pretty foxy. Madonna was much better looking when she had some meat on her bones.

The funny thing is, it took Chicago's video for "You're the Inspiration" to solidify my feelings for her. I was POSITIVE that the couple making out in the video was actually Madonna and Billy Idol, and I was overwhelmed with jealousy that Billy got to kiss her.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Lady MaMaI know this is a few weeks late, but wasn't Lady Gaga at the Grammys a dead ringer for a blonde Marilyn Manson?

Also it totally bothers me that Lady Gaga won as many Grammys this year (2) than the Rolling Stones won in their entire career. And that Jason Mraz won more Grammys this year than the Beach Boys and Kinks and Pink Floyd ever won... combined. And that the Black Eyed Peas have now won as many Grammys (6) as the Beatles. In other words, fuck the Grammys.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Give This a ChanceWhat's worse than the new Haiti version of "We Are the World"? I'll be damned if I can think of anything. It makes me long for January 15, 1991, the day the Peace Choir's cover of "Give Peace a Chance" premiered on MTV.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Man Up, ManningAtta boy, Peyton, falling back into your usual routine of throwing your teammates under the bus following a loss rather than take blame yourself. Instead of discussing your game-clinching interception, you talk about the previous drive and focus on Stover's missed kick (you didn't really expect your 42-year-old kicker to nail a 51 yarder, did you?). You're all class.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Thursday night / Friday morning I pulled an all-nighter at Beth Israel hospital.Everything is fine now, but my sister was hit by a car.More precisely, she was run over by a car.She had been walking home from the subway, and as she was crossing the street about 100 yards from her building, a car – without its lights on – began backing out of a parking space.It hit her, knocking her to her knees, and her coat got caught under a tire, so it pulled her under as the car kept backing up.Fortunately a group of people walking by managed to scream loudly enough at the driver that he stopped, with a back tire literally pressed up against my sister’s side.In fact the tire had her pinned underneath, and the driver was forced to pull the car forward in order for her to get up. Another half-second of movement and the car would’ve rolled over her back.Incredibly scary to think about.

This happened just before midnight, and an ambulance took her to the ER at Beth Israel.I met her there around 12:30am.Her right leg was pretty scraped up, and the right side of her torso hurt when she took deep breaths.Around 1am a resident gave her a brief examination, asked her a few questions, moved her to a bed, and ordered an ultrasound.A pair of doctors administered the ultrasound at 2am and discovered nothing out of the ordinary, but they ordered a CAT Scan just to be safe.At 3am an orderly came in saying that he needed to take one last vial of blood.Except that my sister hadn’t given any blood.The confused orderly excused himself to check, and quickly returned with six empty vials and a pitcher full of liquid (the contrast material) she needed to drink over the next two hours. Clearly somebody had forgotten to start the prep work, costing us an hour of our lives.At 5:30am they wheeled her away for the CAT Scan, which took about 10 minutes.The orderly said the radiologist would “hopefully” take a look at the results “in 30 minutes, or longer.”At 7am I heard the voice of the initial resident passing by, so I ran out to check with him.He saw me and said “Oh, she can leave!I got the results about 20 minutes ago.She’s fine.”I guess that was forgetfulness #2.A few minutes later a nurse took out my sister’s IV, gave her the discharge papers, and we left at 7:30am.

A few observations about my first experience in an ER:

1) ERs are nothing like they are on TV.It’s more like if you paused an episode of ER or House.In fact, pausing a show when a cast member is in the middle of a blink, with his/her mouth half open, a distorted look on his/her face, is a much more accurate depiction of the medical staff on the graveyard shift than what TV had led me to believe.There’s also much less excitement, frantic life saving, arguing over treatment, angry/anguished family members, sexual tension, witty banter, or anything else that makes those shows worth watching.

3) The cleaning staff could do a better job of tidying up.When they wheeled away my sister’s bed for the CAT Scan, it revealed a paper plate, a half-eaten roll (sourdough, I assume), and a key on the ground under the bed.I know that the orderly saw it, but nobody cleaned it up, and when he returned, he simply wheeled the bed back over the mess.

4) Everyone’s got a little bit of Jewish in them.At one point paramedics brought in a middle-aged Hispanic woman, who appeared to be in considerable pain.She kept crying out “Ow!Oh, mami!Oh, ow!”Over and over.Then at one point she unexpectedly cried out (in a pseudo-Jewish accent) “Oy!!!”I feel bad that I cracked a smile despite her discomfort.But it was pretty funny.

5) Don’t let men who have been admitted because they’ve had too much to drink use the hospital bathroom unattended.After sleeping off his drunkenness for a few hours, a middle-aged man started wandering the hall and asked me where the bathroom was, so I pointed it out to him.10 minutes later my sister needed to use the bathroom, and when she returned she complained that she had to find a different one because the floor of the one I had pointed out to the drunk was soaking wet.I don’t know if he peed all over the floor, or made a mess with the sink.It really doesn’t matter.This also relates to observation #3.

6) Even under these circumstances, it's funny watching another person drink something that is obviously disgusting. But if you start laughing at somebody in a hospital who is forced to drink something disgusting, that person will not share your sense of amusement.

Again, let me reiterate that my sister is okay.Still sore and shaken up, but all things considered, she got off lucky.And let’s hope that this is my last visit to the ER.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

This blog may not be my top priority anymore (or a priority, period). But tradition is tradition, so...

It was December 24th on Hollis Ave in the dark When I see a man chilling with his dog in the park I approached very slowly with my heart full of fear Looked at his dog, oh my God, an ill reindeer But then I was illin because the man had a beard And a bag full of goodies, 12 o'clock had neared So I turned my head a second and the man had gone But he left and dropped his wallet smack dead on the lawn I picket the wallet up then I took a pause Took out the license and it cold said "Santa Claus" A million dollars in it, cold hundreds of G's Enough to buy a boat and matching car with ease But I'd never steal from Santa, cause that ain't right So I'm going home to mail it back to him that night But when I got home I bugged, cause under the tree Was a letter from Santa and all the dough was for me!

It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese And Santa put gifts under Christmas trees Decorate the house with lights at night Snow's on the ground, snow white so bright In the fireplace is the yule log Beneath the mistletoe as we drink egg nog The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's But each and every year we bust Christmas carols.

Rhymes so loud and proud you hear it It's Christmas time and we got the spirit Jack Frost chillin, the hawk is out And that's what Christmas is all about The time is now, the place is here And the whole wide world is filled with cheer.

My name's D.M.C. with the mic in my hand And I'm chilling and coolin just like a snowman So open your eyes, lend us an ear We want to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Iceland RecapI've been back in NYC for less than 96 hours, and already I cannot wait to go back to Iceland. I miss the wide open space, the gorgeous scenery, the stress-free lifestyle. I miss it all.

In the 24-hour period right after my friend joined me, we swam in a thermal hot spring, climbed to the top of a mountain, strolled along a pebble beach, stood at the base of a waterfall, and walked on a glacier. Later in the week we watched geysers erupt, rode a "snow cat" to the top of a glacier in a blizzard, climbed more mountains, walked more pebble beaches, went searching for seal colonies (unsuccessfully), ate whale (it tastes and looks just like a strip steak), and pulled an all-night drinking binge in Reykjavik. Then it was all over, and I was on a plane back to the US (flying over gorgeous Greenland along the way).

Overall I put 2,473.3 kilometers on the car and visited more places than was recommended in an 8-day span. Yet it still wasn't enough. I'll have to go back to experience the east side of the island. I'll have to go back to revisit some places to see what they're like in the absence of snow. I'll have to go back because it makes me so happy to be there. I'll have to go back.

Here are a handful of my favorite photos... to see more, check out my Kodak Gallery.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Iceland Dispatch #2I'm writing from the Hotel Akureyri in Akureyri, which is the "capital" of northern Iceland (it takes about 15 minutes to walk end to end). This hotel was recommended because its breakfast buffet has a waffle iron, which I certainly took advantage of. I also have a great view of a massive fjord from my window. I was originally planning on spending a second night at the empty hotel (which was completely peaceful, not creepy at all, except for that weird naked woman in Room 237), but heavy snow on the ground cut into my hiking abilities in the area, so I decided to double back early. I felt a bit bad for the owners of the hotel... who knows when they'll get another guest. And the breakfast spread they put out for me was the same size as the one they put out when the hotel is full. I barely put a dent in it. Oh, and I took my first bath in years because I couldn't figure out how to work the shower and there was nobody around to explain it to me...

Yesterday I did get to explore some sulfur mud pits (much to the chagrin of my boots) and check out the Godafass waterfall. To reach the waterfall I had to trudge through snow that was at least 2 feet deep in places. But it was totally worth it, and it got all the mud off my boots. The snow here is so white and pure and vast that it sometimes hurts my eyes while walking through it. Even though the sun hasn't made an appearance in days, I wish I had brought some sunglasses. I was tempted to also drive to Aldeyjarfoss, which is Iceland's biggest waterfall, even though I was told that the road to it hadn't been completely plowed. After driving half a kilometer (of 41km to get there), I decided it wasn't worth the risk and had to drive back to the highway in reverse. Stupid 2WD.

Today I'll make my way back towards Reykjavik... it would be about a 4-hour drive non-stop, but I'll make a few detours along the way. Then I pick up my friend tomorrow and we'll head south towards Vik.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

I´m Baaaa-aaaackRight now I´m at the Hotel Reykjahlid... not only am I the only guest here, I am currently the only PERSON here, as the owner went home to his wife for the night. So I figured this would be a good time to post. It´s strange having an entire 3-story hotel to yourself... let´s hope it goes better than The Shining. The hotel is on Lake Myvatn, which might be the most peaceful place on Earth at this moment (I hear it gets really crowded and hectic during the summer tourist season). Before the owner left he cooked me a delicious dinner that included Arctic Char freshly pulled from the Arctic. I really like it here!

The rest of the trip has been great so far. The flight on Friday night was smooth and on-time, and IcelandAir has a free entertainment system with Slumdog Millionaire and 2 eps of Arrested Development. Yesterday I spent the day in Reykjavik, which is the world´s quietest big city; did some sightseeing, not much to report. Then this morning I picked up the rental car and drove 6 hours north to Myvatn. Actually it was more like 7 hours, due to one small navigational error that took me off the highway (it´s not my fault... I was told by the rental car guy to keep going straight "forever," when actually there was one left turn). As the road got less paved and more slushy, I began cursing the fact that I hadn´t gotten a car with 4WD... I hydroplaned more than once. Eventually I reached a huge snowbank with a sign that said "Impassable." A complicated U-turn and 40km of backtracking later, I was back in business.

Iceland is just what I was hoping for: beautiful and low-key. It´s crazy how un-modern they are... the hotel owner says there is one TV station here, and I learned from the National Museum that they didn´t even begin broadcasting TV until 1966. They also didn´t get credit cards until 1980, and through the 50s most people lived in tiny one-room log cabins before learning about concrete.

The next few days will be all about hiking... at least as much as possible, as there is still tons of snow on the ground. I´ll be working my way back to Reykjavik to pick up my friend on Wednesday, then together we´ll hit the southern part of the island. Sadly this trip will be over before I know it...

I´ll try to post a couple more times from Iceland, and photos will come upon my return to NYC.

P.S. Whoever came up with the saying that Iceland is green and Greenland is icy is at least 50% incorrect, at least from my experiences...

Friday, January 02, 2009

Sucky Garfield (#20 of 20)

As you can see, I saved the best title for last. What a pun! Although technically it should have been spelled "A-Cat-Emy"... so much for the future English major and professional writer.For all you Police Academy fans, I'm sure you recognize that the four characters are Mahoney (far left), Callahan (with the big boobs), Tackleberry (on the weird scooter-like vehicle), and Hooks (with the Afro). Seriously, what's the deal with that scooter? I'm assuming I meant it to be a motorcycle outfitted with an oversize gun, as Tackleberry would want, but clearly I failed.

And thus, we've reached the end of the Sucky Garfield series. Hopefully I'll uncover some more hidden treasures the next time I'm at my parents' house.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Sucky Garfield (#19 of 20)

We're ringing in the New Year with a a Sucky Garfield that truly emphasizes the suck. And it's too bad, because it looks like I put some real effort into this one. The Jon head is actually not so bad, and the dripping blood in the title was a nice touch. I think I also attempted to make Garfield's face appear burned and disfigured... that's what the circles represent. But oh man... why is his head so off-center? And why is the arm with the glove so much longer than the other one? And what's up with Jon's arms? And why does Garfield look pregnant? It's almost worse than the big floppy penis-tail. Considering how much I loved the Elm Street movies, this is a disastrous homage.

Check back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion of the Sucky Garfield series.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Sucky Garfield (#18 of 20)

G'day mate! We're ending '08 with a doozy of a Sucky Garfield, harking back to the Australian invasion of the late 80s. Unfortunately this Crocodile Hunter looks more French than Australian: he's meant to be wearing a necklace made of croc teeth and an outback hat, not a frilly collar and beret. Also those crocs don't seem particularly menacing. No wonder he was able to carve up the one on the shore, it's just a wee baby. And I wish I could remember my reasoning for erasing the "II" in the title. I guess Garfield Dundee just wasn't popular enough to deserve a sequel.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Sucky Garfield (#17 of 20)

Here we go, the most action-packed Sucky Garfield of them all. King Cat sure is a big fella (with a big floppy penis-tail). Those bullets have no effect on him at all, not even the bullets that defy the laws of physics by traveling diagonally from the plane on the right. I'm quite proud of using a crown to dot the "i" in the title, not so proud of making the parachuting pilot so happy. But all in all, definitely one of my better achievements.