Saturday, 19 September 2009

Love In The Time of Special Brew.

What the fuck is going on with the homeless? Why have I not been asked to join them before now? If you've been reading my blog lately you will know that I have been accepted into the homeless community due to a misunderstanding over a flying can of booze and my face. Now I just cannot believe the things these crazy dudes get up to.

Yesterday I was wandering around Manchester on my own and very bored. I had just done a very clever thing by going to see Star Trek at the IMAX but that now seemed like forever ago as I threw time away doing not fuck nothing. By the way, going to the IMAX really was a brilliant idea of mine. Well done, me. I've only been to the IMAX once before but this time was different because not only did I get my entire head filled with the wonders of Star Trek but I also didn't kick a six year old girl in the face. That genuinely happened the last time I went to IMAX. Anyway, after IMAX I wandered the streets only to see a homeless man trying to talk to a very pretty lady who was trying to ignore him.

Already I thought it was quite an amazing sight to see. A homeless man (to be fair, I just assumed he was homeless as he looked like shit and was drinking booze in the street. Is that unfair?) with the confidence to go up to a woman who was sitting on a bench outside the Arnsale Centre with her friends and then start flirting with her is really quite amusing to watch. And watch I did. Face it, I had fuck all else to do. I had nothing to do AT ALL but I have a house and some money yet this homeless man is the fella trying to score. Who's the loser in this scenario? Anyhoo, he tries talking with her a few times yet every time he gets either ignored or a very short, sharp reply. Surprisingly, she isn't interested. But he doesn't give up. He keeps on trying to get her attention and due to my lack of everything I keep watching. Then she turns and actually talks to him. That's nice, I thought. She can see that this man just wants a bit of company, just some conversation and she isn't stupid enough to not give him the time of day. Then she starts laughing at his jokes.

Steady on, dear, I mean, he's a homeless man. You don't need top patronise him so much that you feel you have to pretend to find his jokes funny. She gives a really hearty laugh. She's NOT pretending.

Soon her friends are joining in with the conversation but you can easily tell that both the homeless man and the pretty lady son't really have time for the others in the group. They're too busy laughing and talking and slightly touching each others hands. FUCKING HELL, SHE'S TOUCHING HIS HAND! The hand that he uses to take half-sandwiches out of bins with or flick V's at policemen while urinating on HMV. She's touching his fucking hand! How is this happening? He's drinking booze outside a shop in the middle of the day and has three teeth. Why is she touching his hand?

The friends then decide it's time to go and the spiteful, jealous cretin that is me is delighted to see that she has decided to join them and say goodbye to Flirty McNoteeth. I mean, she just kept looking at him like she might quite like him and that just can't be. Right? The friends say goodbye to homeless man and homeless man says goobye to them. Then something really weird happened. I mean, if you were me and saw this story unfold right in front of you from beginning to end you honestly never would have seen this coming. She kissed him on the mouth. Not a snog, of course, but definitely not a peck. She held his face and touched his lips with hers. If you are single and reading this I can only assume that you are preparing for suicide right now.

Is this what my new friends get up to? Is Nick banging some beauty up against a tree right now? Reat assured, dear reader, I will investigate. But for now, my hangover needs attention.