Jackie K. Cooper’s “Cloudy” Is a Medical Breakthrough

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The medical community can rejoice this morning as Jackie K. Cooper’s new review, “Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2”, has shown promise as a more effective way to induce coma in patients who were previously resistant to other methods.

Cooper’s piece goes to work immediately on the hypothalamus, interrupting deep brain function and putting subjects into a state of profound rest which prepares them for the next stage; his skillful use of banal, declarative sentence after banal, declarative sentence which works to further dull the senses and make sufferers very, very sleepy.

His methods are two fold, utilizing a lethal combo of mind-numbingly tedious writing with a complete lack of critique to lull patients until they are dead to the world. Sentences like, “kids especially liked the idea of a machine that could turn water into food” and “the one who learns the most is Flint as he had become so enthralled with his idol; that he forgot the importance of his family and friends” are masterful in their banality, cutting like a surgeon’s scalpel into previously undiscovered worlds of dullness.

Researchers say that Chance of Meatball’s lack of dynamism and tenuous grasp of punctuation could prove to be the discovery the world has been waiting for. Stay tuned for any new developments as they… zzzz.