"Sir, Natalie is one of our most
expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and
announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per
visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket
and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for
an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again
demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one
had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were
no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again
the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and
an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive
night, no one could believe it. Again
he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No
one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where
are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from
Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I
have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man.
"Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

An Australian guy goes into a
bar in the Greek Islands. Jill the Australian barmaid
takes his order and notices his Australian accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the
end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to
him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the
dead.

Jill is traveling the world and
because she is short of funds she agrees. The
next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty
of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep
with him again for $200.

She figures in for a penny, in
for a pound-and it was fantastic the night before-so
she agrees. This goes on for five nights.

On the sixth night the guy comes
into the bar. This night he orders a beer and just goes
and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks
that maybe she should pay him more attention. She
goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from
and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I," she says. "What suburb
in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris," he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so
am I-what street?"

"Cameo Street" he says.

"This is unbelievable" she says,
"what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is
astonished.

"You are not going to believe
this" she says. "I'm from number 22 and my parents still
live there!"

A streetwalker was visiting her
doctor for a regular checkup. "Any specific problems
you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately
that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,"
she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered,
"hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often
found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a
hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your
period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment
the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred
dollars, I guess."

A man is walking around New York
with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes
in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says
to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars."

"I'll give you five bucks."

The girl spits at him and walks
away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the
shop and they continue their walk. On the first corner
they come to there is the same hooker. She takes one
look at the man and his wife and says, "You see? You see
what you get for five bucks?"

A prosperous business man propositioned
a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night
with him for $500. When he was ready to leave in the morning,
he told her that he didn't have any money with him but that
he would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out
as "rent for an apartment."

On the way to the office, he
decided that the whole thing wasn't worth the price he had
agreed to pay. So he advised his secretary to send the check
for $250 and include the following note:

Dear Madam: enclosed
is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount I agreed upon,
because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression: 1. That it
had never been occupied. 2. That there
was plenty of heat. 3. That it
was small.

Last night, I found that it had
been occupied, there wasn't any heat and it was entirely
too large. Upon the receipt of the note, the girl
immediately returned the check with the following note:

Dear Sir: I am returning
your check for $250. I can not understand how
you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied.
As for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you knew
how to turn it on. As for the size, it isn't my fault
if you didn't have sufficient furniture to fill it.

A little boy hears the word whorehouse
in school and asks his father what it means.
His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go
there to... have a good time." The boy starts screaming and
hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists
that he's too young.

Saturday night his dad and a
few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time", not knowing
the little boy is following them. After his father
leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madame
that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at
first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts
and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home,
his parents all worried. His father approaches him first
and asks him where he's been. "IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams
proudly.

"WHAT? Well... uh... how was
it?"

"I managed the first two without
any problem, but I just licked the last."

Three hookers of varying ages
were standing around, discussing their profession.

The middle aged one said: "So,
how's business?"

"Awful!" replied the young one.
"All anybody wants is blow jobs!"

"What's wrong with that?" asked
the mid-lifer. "It's easy work, a quick turn over,
and you can make more money that way."

"That's just the problem," exclaimed
the young lady, "I can't get more than $20.00
for a blow job! How can I make any money that way?"

"Oh," she replied, shrugging,
"that's nothing. When I started working, we only got
$10.00 for a blow job!"

At this point the old hooker
chimed in. "You kids have it so easy! Why, back
in my day, we had to give blow jobs for free! And we
were glad to get something warm in our bellies, too!"

TopSubj: A House
With A Red Light (S80)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #263 on 98-08-01

A fellow passed a house with
a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.
There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare
hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and
entered the door that said "Over 35." He found himself
in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches"
and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through
the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty
hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times
a night."

Still wanting to be truthful,
he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back
out on the street.

The moral of this story is, "Always
tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

The teacher in Johnny's school asked
the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her
mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn,
he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark,
he got sent off to the principal's office. Then,
15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you
tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal
say?"

"He said that every job is important
in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone
number."

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk
up to the front door, glance around and duck inside.
"Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger
said, "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are
visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant
minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped
inside. "Do you believe that?" the workman exclaimed.
"Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused,
what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men
watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore
house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on
his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

A horny young man went to a brothel...
The lady at the counter asked him what his choice
would be. The man wanted to know what was available..

Lady - "On the first floor, we
have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On
the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are
all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have
our ex-teachers....they..."

Man - "Say no more! Lead me to
the third floor !"

Lady- "Are you sure... I'm surprised
that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and
ex-actresses..."

Man- "It's obvious, ma'am...
teachers always make you do a thing over and over again...
until you're perfect at it!!"

A man goes to a high class brothel
and asks the clerk what are his options. The clerk
replied "There's an absolutely gorgeous girl upstairs, in a
luxury suite. Today's special offer, only $1000!"

"Um, do you have anything cheaper?"

"Well, one floor downwards, a
not-absolutely-gorgeous-but- passable girl in a bit squeaky
bed. Only $100."

"Er... what's your next offer?"

"Hrmph. In the basement, an ugly
old lady, on a mouldy old mattress. You can fuck her
for a tenner."

"I'll take that!"

The man gave the clerk his tenner
and went to the basement. There was an ugly, pallid old
lady lying on the mattress. He started his dirty work.
The lady said nothing. He shot his load. The lady still
said nothing, but some sort of brown slime flew from her mouth.
The man saw it, zipped his jeans and left. He
explained what happened to the clerk.

"Ah, well, I'll take care of
her.", he said, so the man left. After the man had
left, the clerk picked up a phone and dialled the local pathologist
institution.

A bloke walks down the street
and he see the hooker. He says "How good a handjob do
you do?" She says "Well you see that big shiny limo over
there?" He says "Yeah". She says "Well, I bought that with
the money I made from hand- jobs. The bloke says "Alright
give us a handjob". After- wards he says "That was great.
I'll see you next week."

Next week comes, the bloke walks
down the street and he see the hooker again. He says
"How good a blowjob do you do?" She says "Well you see that
big shiny limo over there?" He says "Yeah". She says
"Well you see that big fancy block of apartments there with all
the fancy railings and windows and that?" He says "Yeah".
She says "Well, I bought that with all the money I made from
headjobs. I give the BEST headjobs around." The
blokes says "Alright I'll have one of those". Afterwards
he says "That was the best headjob I've ever had, it was brilliant.
I'll see you next week".

The bloke comes back next week
and sees the hooker. He says "Well you've given me a
handjob and you've given me a headjob, how much do you charge
for the real thing?". She says "Well you see that limo
over there?" "Yeah" "You see that big block of apartments
over there?" "Yeah" "Well you see that massive warehouse
behind the apartments?" He says "Yeah". She says
"Well if I had one of those I'd own that!".Second version (better)Subj: A Beautiful,
High Priced Hooker (S704)
From: lordblacknail on 7/9/2010

A business man checks into a
very fancy hotel and tells the desk clerk he has no meetings
today and would like some "companionship", price is no
object.

The desk clerk says that he understands
and someone will be at his door in ten minutes.
Ten minutes later there is a knock on the man's door.
He opens it and sees the most beautiful woman that he has
ever seen in his life. He tells her, "I'm in no hurry
today, let's go real slow. What do you get for a hand-job?"

She says, "$1000."

He screams, "$1000! No hand-job
is worth $1000!"

She pulls him to the window,
points outside and says, "You see that liquor store down there?
I bought that store with the money that I got just
from hand-jobs!"

He gives her the money and sure
enough the hand-job is like nothing he's ever had before.
She does things that he didn't believe were possible
with a hand. It's worth every penny.

"That's incredible," he says.
What do you get for a blow-job?"

"$5000."

"$5000! No blow-job is worth
$5000."

She takes him to the window and
points, "You see that Rolls- Royce dealership? I bought
that dealership with money I got from blow-jobs."

He gives her the money and the
blow-job is the greatest thing he's ever known.
Like rockets and fireworks and explosions. When it's
over, he says, "I've GOT to have that pussy!" She takes
him to the window, points, and says, "You see that skyscraper?...
If I had a pussy, I could buy that skyscraper."

A husband and wife were having
difficulty surviving financially so they decided
that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source
of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner
and informed her he would be at the side of the
building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentlemen pulled up shortly
after and asked her how much to go all the way.
She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to
ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the
client $100. She went back and informed the client at which
he cried "That was too much!" He then asked "How
much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and
ran to ask her husband how much. The husband
said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.

He felt that this was an agreeable
price and began to remove his pants and underwear.
Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that
the man had an enormous penis. She asked him once
more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again
at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied
"Can I borrow $60?"

A mother, accompanied by her
small daughter, were in New York City. The mother
was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly
dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street
corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both
climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother,
"Mummie, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?",
to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting
for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this
exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!!
Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out
loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows,
and the daughter then asks, "Mummie, do the ladies
have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course
dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Fellow brings his son into the
big city from the bush to get him `initiated' to the ways
of the world. After picking up new clothes, boots,
and hat, they stop at the `house that's not a home' in
the evening. The man explains to the madam that he wants his
boy treated right. She takes the boy aside for a moment
and asks "Boy, have you ever been with a woman?"

"Why, no ma'am", he replies.

"Well, young man, have you ever
practiced?" she asks him.

He blushes and says to her "What
do you mean by practice?"

She tells him "Many of the boys
that come in here have used holes in logs to practice
their skills. Is this something that you've tried?"

He's amazed to find that she
guessed what he assumed only he alone knew. "Yes, ma'am,"
he stammers, "I-I-I can't believe you knew that."

They rejoin his father.
"He'll be just fine, sir- I know just the lady for him."
She escorts the boy up the stairs, and leads him to a room with
a woman waiting in it. A few minutes later there's a wild
commotion in his room. The madam, the boy's father, a (flock,
gaggle, pod) of hookers all burst into the room, only
to see the boy standing there naked except for his hat and
the hooker in the corner crying.

"What's going on here?" demands
the madam.

"That horrible man took off my
clothes and started kicking me really hard in the ass!"
exclaimed the shocked prostitute.

A grungy old lumberjack, in town
for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and
demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.
"That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four and
I'll send her up."

"Fine," said the lumberjack,
"and tell her to bring a couple of beers". In due time,
Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor,
took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands
and knees and pointed to her pussy.

A guy is given 6 weeks to live,
so he figures to live it up every minute. One hot
night he goes to a whore house in Vegas, and because it is
such a hot night, he asks the girl if she'd mind doing it
outside on the roof where it's cooler. She agrees and
while they're going at it, the guy croaks and falls off the roof
taking the girl with him. A passing drunk sees them fall
and goes racing up to the door and starts banging on it.
The madam opens the door, takes one look at the drunk and says,
"I'm sorry, I can't let you in, you're too drunk."

"Hell," says the drunk, "I didn't
want to come in, I just wanted to tell you that your
sign fell down."

A grubby old man asks a woman
if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars.
She thinks it over for a moment, and then replies that
she would sleep with a man for a million dollars.

He offers her $50 to sleep with
him.

"What kind of person do you think
I am?" And slaps him in the face.

"We know what kind of person
you are. We're just haggling over price."

TopSubj: Getting
A Disease At A Whore House
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #199 on 97-09-29

A guy goes out with his buddies
for a night on the town and they go to a house of ill
repute to round off the festivities.

A week later he visits his doctor
complaining of a large green lump on the end of his
penis. The doctor performs a thorough inspection and then
pulls down a weighty medical book from the shelf and flicks
through the pages, eventually finding a reference.

A woman was looking into an expensive
shop window admiring a pair of silver shoes when
a bloke sidled up beside her.

"Like the shoes? I'll buy
them for you if you if you come to bed with me."

"Okay. But be warned -
I don't like sex very much."

He bought the silver shoes and
took her back to his hotel where, once again, she emphasized
her lack of enthusiasm. And, indeed, she just lay there
motionless not giving him the slightest encouragement.
So much so that he was getting bored himself.

Whereupon, she suddenly lifted
her legs high in the air and shouted, "WOW!"

TopSubj: Two
Car Salesmen Talk In A Bar (S279b)
From: dogbyte on 6/1/2002 Two car salesmen were sitting
at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business
sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to
lose my fucking ass."

Then he noticed a beautiful blonde
sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for
his bad language.

TopSubj: Cancer
Victim Gets Lade (S256b)
From: jerry on 12/27/2001 A 15 year-old boy in Sydney,
Australia, soon to die from cancer, was given his final
wish -- that he not die a virgin.

A child psychologist gave the
approval for the boy to visit a prostitute, which was paid
for by his friends. His parents did not know about this.

"He was very, very happy - and
only slightly disappointed that it was over so quickly,"
said the psychologist. He acknowledged that what they
did was illegal but he said nobody cared about the legality
of it all.

The boy died a few days later.

UK Sun 22-Dec-01

TopSubj: HMO
Pays For Sex (S248)
From: jerry on 10/30/2001 A Dutch council is paying for
a 48-year-old disabled man, Hennie van den Wittenboer, to
have sex with a prostitute once a month, finally giving
in after a seven year battle.

Now Wittenboer says he is less
stressed and needs less medication.

The council claimed that sex
wasn't part of the primary needs of human beings, for those
of you who want to drive your HMO nuts.

Brabants Dagblad.via Ananova
(UK) 27-Oct-01

Two prostitutes are standing
at a street corner when a cop car drives past. One turns
to the other and ask, "Have you ever been picked up by the
fuzz?" The second replies, "No, but I have been swung around
by my tits once or twice."

From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22 Two car salesmen were sitting
at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks.
If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose
my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting
two stools away.

From: BawdyNet Collage #whatever on
98-04-20 There's the story about the
man that walks into a house of ill repute in Reno and says,
"I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll come into
the desert with me and do it MY way."

One of the ladies agrees, and
off they go driving into the desert. After about an
hour she gets curious, and asks him "Just what is your way?"

"On credit."

From: humorlist-digest V2 #171 on 98-07-10 Three women are standing on
the street corner. If one of them is called a "ho", what
are the other 2 called? Support "ho's".

From: RFSlick on 9/28/00 (S205) Two hookers are standing on
the street corner. The first hooker says, "I think it's going
to be busy tonight....I can smell dick in the air".

The second hookers says "Sorry,
that's me, I burped"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/20/2001
(S242) "There's no such thing as fun
for the whole family; there are no massage parlors
with ice cream and free jewelry." -- Jerry Seinfeld

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/27/2002 (S278b) "Don't stay in bed, unless you
can make money in bed." -- George Burns
(1896-1996)

Q: What do you call a hooker
working the highway exits? A: A tollhouse cookie.

Q: What is the difference between
a lawyer and a prostitute? A: A prostitute stops screwing
you when you die.

From: BREWONETO on 98-02-16 Q: What do you call a prostitute
with a runny nose? A: Full.

(S60) Q: What's the difference between
a whore and a crack dealer? A: After turning a trick, a
whore can wash her crack and use it again.

From: RFSlick on 98-08-13 Q: What do you call kids born
in whore houses? A: Brothel sprouts.From: RFSlick on 98-12-09 Q: What did the sign on the
door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it - we're closed.

From: icohen on 12/07/1999 (S149) Q: If there were 4 potatoes
in a room, which one would
be the prostitute? A: The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

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Smileys Turn Out the Lignts from Smiliemania.da..