Confused About Love?, Why Love Isn’t Enough to Make it Work

Confused about love? Wonder why it’s not enough to make a relationship work? It’s not hearts but neurology that makes or breaks our relationships. Relationships behaviors, or “love styles” formed in childhood are the root cause of troublesome patterns in adulthood. But you’re not stuck with those patterns. Understanding the neuroscience of childhood bonding, and your own and your partner’s attachments styles can rewire your brain, mind and heart to have the loving relationships you want, in every area of your life.

Carista Luminare, Ph.D., has 30 years experience as a consultant, counselor and coach.. After graduating from Harvard University in Psychology and Social Relations she pioneered educational programs focused on the integration of the personality and soul. In her private practice, she integrates her lifelong research on childhood attachment, and how our early bonding patterns with our parents profoundly affect our primary adult relationship dynamics. She is the author of Parenting Begins Before Conception.

Sandie Sedgbeer combines her love of broadcasting with her pioneering work as a consultant advising authors, teachers, speakers, and individuals how to apply the science of resonance for personal and business success.

Confused About Love? With Carista Luminare was last modified: February 13th, 2016 by Conversation at the Cutting Edge with Sandie Sedgbeer

This is an excerpt from the new book I have co-authored with John Gray: “Conscious Men.” It will be out soon.

John says: I remember a moment seven years into my marriage. After making love with Bonnie, I said to her, “That was fantastic. It was as good as it was in the beginning.” “Oh, I thought it was much better,” she replied. “Really? How so?” I asked her. “In the beginning we had great sex,” she said, “but we didn’t really know each other then. Now you’ve seen the best of me, and you’ve seen the worst of me, and you still adore me.” When she said that, I had to stop and think. I had never thought of it that way. It was a moment of becoming more conscious as a man. The love we had built in seven years made the sex much more fulfilling.

To love deeply is to experience all of who a person is. Not to fantasize that she is perfect, but to grow and love someone who is not perfect, simply because you have made a decision to love more each day. You create friendships in life by giving, they don’t just happen automatically. Equally, you can create a great marriage. Its starts with a fantasy, and you create it through give and take. In those times when it’s difficult to give, and your partner needs you, you rise to the occasion. You made a promise to your partner. There are temptations and distractions, and you rise above them because you made a commitment. You grow in love.

Ultimately, your relationship becomes sacred. The words “sacred” and “sacrifice” both come from the same Latin root: sacer, which means holy. When you make sacrifices for someone, you make that person special. You make it a sacred relationship.

We have all had the experience of falling in love, which usually happens when we first meet someone who we do not yet know very well. It is a glimpse of seeing just how beautiful everything can be when you truly open your eyes and your heart. But it is not yet grounded. You need practice to ground it, to stabilize it, to integrate it, to live it.

One of the greatest obstacles that men face is the expectation that love should be automatic, just as it was in the beginning, when there was nothing you had to do. That glimpse was the result of chemistry, and bumping into the right person at the right time. That particular configuration of forces will quickly disappear, and then you have to commit yourself to the practice to open up that portal: again, and again, and again. It is tempting to assume that it is your right to experience those feelings, and when they go away it must be your partner’s fault. Then we get frustrated, because we have the unrealistic expectation that romance, affection, attraction, and passion should be automatic if you are with the right person.

Remember with Netflix, or one hundred thousand other things available on the Internet, that you can get the first month free? They are hoping you get hooked. Then you have to pay. It is just like that with the practice of love. You get a free glimpse when you fall in love, and then you need to be prepared to make regular payments, through daily practice.

Learning to love is best measured not by how you feel inside yourself, but by how other people feel in your presence. It is relatively easy to be impressed with your own state of maturity. When you get to the point that your partner, or your teenage children, are impressed by your love, then, and only then, you know that you are onto something. It requires that you make your life into an art form instead of an accident.

You discover that love is not just a feeling that comes over you sometimes. It’s something you can choose, it’s something you can practice, it’s something you can develop and it’s something that you can become.

Love is a Practice was last modified: July 17th, 2015 by Arjuna Ardagh

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Shayne Traviss

Sometime's growth involves digging up the dirt and planting anew...
After over 20 years of marketing, promoting and producing others I've decided to open a new chapter in my life.
If you long to go higher, live a life 'all in' join me as I dive in deep sharing my life experiences, travels and inspirations for living a VividLife.

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Founded by Shayne Traviss formerly VividLife.me was an online resource for personal growth through over 10,000 blogs, audio conversations and videos, from thought leaders, best-selling authors and wellness experts from around the globe. VividLife.me provided engaging conversations on consciousness and human potential with Arianna Huffington, Jane Fonda and Alanis Morrissette, wisdom packed blogs from spiritual Icons Iyanla Vanzant and Ram Dass, Green Tips from David Suzuki’s Queen of Green, Advice from Award Winning Parenting and Relationships Experts, Recipes from Vegetarian, Vegan, Raw Chef’s and more… and reached and inspired over 3 million people around the globe.
However sometime's growth involves digging up the dirt and planting anew...
And after over 20 years of marketing, promoting and producing others Shayne Traviss decided to open a new chapter in his life.
If you long to go higher, live a life 'all in' join him as he dives in deep sharing his life experiences, travels and inspirations for living a VividLife.