Sunday, January 29, 2012

Quality of Dances (11/20) – There’s not a whole lot of grinding, but a moderate amount of lap-to-lap contact, the fact that they’re fully nude, and the go-ahead that “is ok you touch anywhere but my pussy” makes for an enjoyable experience. Plus you do get two full-length songs for your dance, so you have plenty of time to get into it, though that’s the least that you should expect considering the prices.

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – Ladies in Budapest are generally beautiful, and the ones who dance at Marilyn are no exception. A few looked a little worn out, but the rest were all very attractive, and I saw more than one body that I’d rate as a perfect 10 (the faces that went with those bodies were solid as well: 7s or 8s). Of course it can vary from night to night, but overall, I found these to be the most impressive ladies in town.

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – Every group of guys who wants company will get it from one or more ladies, and there are often several dancers sitting together along the far wall just waiting to make the next customer’s acquaintance. The raw number of girls isn’t huge (maybe around 20), but it’s plenty for this relatively small club.

Variety of Dancers (2.5/5) – You’re not going to find non-white ladies in Budapest, but there are a nice variety of skin tones and body types among the ladies at Marilyn. Attractive ladies in this place covered the spectrum from waif-thin to athletically thick, so there should be someone here who catches just about every patron’s eye.

Attitudes (3.5/10) – Though most of the ladies are fairly friendly once you spend some cash, you’re going to need to pony up for a lady drink almost immediately, they’ll all ask for tips, and most of them are pretty hard on the sale. Even when I shot them down by saying I was waiting for someone else, several of them tested me by asking what her name was. More often than not, I’d have been busted, but luckily I actually was waiting for someone in particular since I’d met one of the coolest dancers ever here the previous night. Hopefully you’re lucky enough to meet her or someone equally chill if you stop by, but in case you don’t, you should at least be prepared for the hustle.

Value (1.5/10) – There’s no cover, but they more than make up for that by selling small bottles of champagne that you’re expected to buy for the ladies for 9000 HUF (a little under $50 US). That is, sadly, a better than average deal for Budapest. Thankfully, the bottles last for a while, so you should only need to buy about 1 per hour if you want to be constantly accompanied, and it’s no problem if you don’t get them as long as you’re cool with having to turn down the parade of girls who will be trying to sell their time. Customer drinks are more reasonable, at 1500 HUF ($7.50 US) for a 0.5L of mediocre beer, though my signature drink (redbull with a double shot of whiskey) was an outrageous 5500 HUF. Of course, I still had a few of them, but I wasn’t happy about it.

The lap dances are overpriced at 10000 HUF ($50 US), but since they last for 2 long songs, it’s about equivalent to the $20 per song rate that most U.S. clubs have. Though some girls have solid pole move, the stage show is generally pretty tame, with many of the girls keeping their tops on, but you can get a much better show by watching girls give table dances to other groups, or get your own for 5000 HUF. They’re given on wooden tables in front of the customer’s seat, and most girls get fully nude and provide a little contact. Just remember, as in all clubs that have dancer drinks and all clubs outside your home country, pay as you go and never use a credit card. I don’t know that anything bad would happen if you ignore that rule because, even while drunk out of my mind, I wasn’t dumb enough to test it, and you shouldn’t be either.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – There’s a small bar at the entrance and a few tiny stools surrounding the circular stage, but almost everyone sits on the patio furniture-style benches that are set up in groups of three around the table dances tables facing the stage. That makes it excellent for groups of up to six, though the large mirrored pillars between the benches and the stage mean that you won’t even get to see the girl for half of her stage set.

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – Lap dances are given in the basement of the club where there are six separate benches of varying degrees of privacy. If you’re the only one down there or you’re on the back bench, the privacy is pretty solid.

Atmosphere (7.5/10) – If you’re willing to buy the occasional lady drink and ignore all the stone faced Eastern European customers, the atmosphere is excellent, thanks in large part to the greatest strip club dj ever. I don’t know if I’d like hearing the Bee Gees, Billy Idol, the Backstreet Boys and Coolio at a U.S. club, but somehow it worked here. On my second night, at a dancer’s urging, I requested that he play a few more songs like Gangsta’s Paradise. He didn’t respond or react in any way, then he proceeded to play nothing but old school hip hop for the next hour and a half. It was amazing. Overall, there’s just a nice relaxed but fun vibe in here.

Location (4.5/5) – The club is fairly close to the Great Market Hall and the Gellert Thermal Baths.(it’s a shame their hours of operation don’t overlap because it would be amazing to stumble over for a soak to preemptively combat your hangover when the club closes), and should be within walking distance of most places that you’d be staying on the Pest side of town.

Overall – As much as I hate the buy-the-lady-a-drink system for running a strip club, there’s no way to avoid it in Europe, and I actually had a really good time at this place. I made multiple visits during my short stay in Hungary, and I’ll certainly stop by if I’m ever in the area again. Marilyn Table Dance Bar is, by far, the best strip club in Budapest.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

This place is a slightly cheaper, slightly more laid back version of Darling Cabaret, but with significantly less attractive dancers. For me, the tradeoff just isn’t worth it – Darling Cabaret is a much better club, or at least that’s what I wrote down on a napkin while blackout drunk. I hit this place and Darling back-to-back and confirmed on another night that my Darling scores were accurate (I took detailed notes including category scores while in the clubs), but I didn’t revisit Atlas, so there are still a few holes here. Do they offer regular dances? If so, are they any good? Are they given in the same rooms that are used for sex? Did I have sex with one of the strippers? I really couldn’t tell you the answers to any of those questions, but if I had to guess, I’d say yes, pretty good, I hope so, and I hope not, respectively. I’m not going to try to fake it, though, so I’ll just write my unfiltered notes below, but the bottom line is that Darling Cabaret is a better club if you’re looking for sex, and Cabaret Carioca and Goldfingers are better if you’re looking for a relaxing venue to view some beautiful ladies. Atlas isn’t a bad club by any means, but there’s really no reason to go there over some of the other Wenceslas Square options.

Quality of Dances (17/20) – Thought I just paid for more time, but suck and fuck apparently included for 2600 czk.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Quality of Dances (11/20) – There are several dance options at Hot Peppers (starting at 1000 czk for the no-contact version), but I stuck with the 1500 czk (about $75 US), full-contact version, so that’s what I’ll review. There was plenty of tit groping and lap riding and the girl was fully nude for the second half of the dance, but there needs to be lots of grinding (there was none) and the girls needs to stay on me the entire time (there was lots of laying on the floor showing me what I’d rather be feeling) if I’m going to spend the equivalent of $75 for 5 minutes. If they were 500 czk, these dances would be marginally worthwhile, but they’re priced so high that it detracts from your enjoyment unless you get off on burning money.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – In a city of beautiful women, these are above average. They might be a small step below the ladies at Goldfingers or Darling Cabaret, but they’re still very attractive and you should not be disappointed.

Number of Dancers (8/10) – Even with a jam packed room, if you want company at Hot Peppers, you won’t have to wait long to get it. There were easily 30+

Variety of Dancers (0.5/5) – Most of the girls are blonde, an even higher percentage are thin and all of them are white. If you’re looking for variety, Hot Peppers is not your club and Prague is not your city.

Attitudes (1/10) – “You want a dance?” or “You want to buy me a drink?” will be the first words out of almost every girl’s mouth, and spending money on dances won’t win you any goodwill to get the girl to hang out for a bit. They just take your cash, give you 5 mediocre minutes, then move on to the next one. On the bright side, it didn’t seem like anyone was trying to rip me off (though, as always, if you agree to buy a girl a drink, make sure you know which drink you’re buying) – it’s just that they’re all business.

Value (2/10) – There’s no cover, good beer is a reasonable 90 czk and the topless stage show, while somewhat tame, does provide a decent value since the ladies put some nice effort into the presentation. That goodwill, however, is largely undone by the dance prices. Even though it’s pretty standard for the touristy part of Prague, 1000 czk ($50) for less than 5 minutes of non-contact dancing and 1500 czk ($75) for the same amount of full-contact dancing is ridiculous. If you feel like spending even more, 2000 czk will get you and your buddies a short table dance in a separate room in the back of the club, and 3000 will get you a lesbian show. For comparison’s sake, you can bang the ShowPark girls for 20 minutes for that amount of cash. Even if you aren’t interested in going that far, just knowing that it’s available makes this place feel like every bit of the ripoff that it is. At least you can save some cash at several of the other clubs in the area by relaxing and taking in the sights, but here, you’re also going to be pressured into buying lady drinks, and they start at 300 czk but more typically run closer to 1000 czk each.

Club Setup (2/10) – This is a relatively small club that can get absolutely, uncomfortably packed to the point where it’s difficult to move. There are bars at both ends of the room, a raised area with a few tables near the entrance, and a long bench that runs the length of the club along one wall, but most of this place is just jam-packed with tiny tables and moveable chairs. The stage is fairly sizeable, so you’d expect that everyone would have a nice view, but unfortunately there are two large pillars in the way, meaning that much of the crowd is stuck in obstructed view seating. I’ll give it some credit for being clean and modern, but the setup here is far from ideal.

Dance Setup (5/10) – You get individual booths in an area behind the bar where the mob of patrons won’t be able to see you, but the front of the booths are unobstructed, so you’re open to anyone who is walking to or from their own lap dances.

Atmosphere (7/10) – Hot Peppers has a pretty solid party vibe, thanks in part to the fact that its visible location in Wenceslas Square makes it a favorite destination for bachelor partiers, though the foosball table and boxer game in the back don’t hurt either. Even when the other clubs are slow, this place is usually going strong. A ton of loud, drunken Brits and Russians might be annoying if you’re looking to chill, but otherwise, the atmosphere is pretty solid here.

Location (5/5) – Hot Peppers is located right on Wenceslas Square, so it will be walkable from pretty much anywhere that you’d likely be staying in Prague. Plus, there’s great food in the stalls right outside the club and there are at least a half dozen other strip joints within a quarter mile of this place, so you have plenty of other options if you decide that it isn’t where you want to spend your evening.

Overall – Among the Wenceslas Square clubs, the show is better at Goldfingers, the sales pitch is more subdued at Cabaret Carioca and the girls are more “available” at Darling and Atlas, but Hot Peppers is a passable option if your top priority is a party atmosphere. Just don’t party so hard that you forget how expensive these dances are in your home currency, because that would be a good way to go completely broke.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

ShowPark is an adult entertainment complex in the Holesovice section of Prague. Upstairs is a maze of hallways that’s basically a miniature red light district, and I have the full review of that here. This review is focused on the downstairs, which is a small strip club.

Quality of Dances (16.5/20) – Czech girls don’t seem to be trained in the art of the grinding lapdance, but you’ll be happy if you’re looking for either more of less than that. If you go with the cheaper option, you get full two way contact with a nude dancer on a bed. They won’t try to finish you off, but that’s not because they’re morally or personally opposed to it – they just want to get another 500 czk out of your wallet. If they succeed in doing that you can get whatever you want up to and including sex.

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – There are usually a few very attractive ladies working here, but the majority are a little worn out and are on the low end of what I’ve seen in Prague. If anything, the ladies are slightly hotter upstairs in the red light windows.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – I don’t expect too much from such a small club, but they need more than three or four dancers if those three or four dancers are going to be content to sit with the same groups of guys for 30 minutes or longer at a time. It meant that I was stuck waiting for the majority of my visit, and the stage was frequently empty, so I didn’t even have anything to look at to pass the time.

Variety of Dancers (0/5) – What little variety you’ll find at ShowPark, you’ll find upstairs, because the ladies in the strip club are thin, white, and slightly boring if you hang out for a while.

Attitudes (6/10) – Most of these ladies are willing to sit and chat even if you aren’t buying them frequent drinks, which is a fairly rare and very welcomed deviation from the usual situation in Prague. They don’t push the sale too hard, probably because the prices are low enough that they don’t need to, and they’re just generally pretty friendly.

Value (7.5/10) – There’s no cover for the strip club, beers are a reasonable 100 crowns (about $5 US) and you’re not going to do any better than 1000 crowns for a lap dance or 1500 crowns for sex in a Prague strip club. My only complaint is that the stage shows are generally a little tame except for the bachelor dance, which involved the bachelor’s dick coming out just before I decided it was time to leave the club.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – As you can see, this is a small club with a tiny stage, some counter seating and a nice bar in the back. They also have a door with an unobstructed window to the outside world, through which I took the above picture before they opened for the evening.

Dance Setup (10/10) – Since most people who purchase the dancers’ services will be fucking, they make sure that the rooms are setup accordingly, Even though I wasn’t going that far, it just doesn’t get any better than a private room with a bed fed for a lap dance.

Atmosphere (2/10) – The club does everything that it can to make for a party atmospheres, but they just can’t overcome the depressed, creepy vibes given off by the majority of the discount-sex-purchasing crowd. Basically, I wouldn’t chose to hang out here for an extended period of time, but it’s good enough if you’re just looking for reasonably priced dances or a place to recharge between girls upstairs.

Location (4/5) – ShowPark is walkable from the Hilton, but since it’s only open at night, you’re probably better off cabbing there for about 200 czk from wherever you happen to be in Prague. More importantly, it’s just a flight of stairs away from the ShowPark red light windows.

Overall – ShowPark Stripbar is a decent club if you’re looking for lapdances, but I wouldn’t even consider going through the hassle of getting there unless you’re looking for more than that. Even then the upstairs portion of the ShowPark complex is the real draw, but it’s probably worth stopping by the club if you find yourself in the area during its limited hours of operation.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

ShowPark is an adult entertainment complex in the Holesovice section of Prague. Downstairs is a small strip club, and upstairs is a maze of hallways that's basically a miniature red light district. You can read my review of the strip club here, but this review is focused on the upstairs.

To get to ShowPark, one option is to walk across the bridge by the Hilton and then head east for about a half mile along the river. You can't see it from the road, but you just go in the entrance after the one by the McDonalds and head to the right. It's a fairly long walk from anywhere other than the Hilton, though, so you might want to consider taking a cab for around 200 crowns (roughly $10 US). The first ShowPark entrance is for the strip club, but just a few feet beyond that you'll find the entrance that leads to the upstairs. The 190 crown cover charge that you'll pay upon arrival is good for unlimited sessions and unlimited entries for 24 hours, so plan accordingly if you want to visit two days in a row.

To the right of the front desk is a small bar/cafe area where you can have some soda or beer. The 100 crown price for beer isn't terrible, but their selection is. In one of the world's great beer producing countries, you're going to offer me Heineken or Corona? I don't need any obscure Bohemian microbrews, but if the sausage vendors on the street can sell Pilsner Urquell, there's no excuse for this place not to. Unless they're trying to prevent whiskey dick by offering mediocre beer, in which case maybe it's for the best. Either way, the real draw of the cafe is that they have free wifi so you can play on the internet while you recharge between sessions. Alternately, if it's open, you can go downstairs to the strip club and take in the sights until you're ready to go again, but the club is only open at night a few days per week, so I wouldn't count on having that option.

Once you walk through the bar area, you'll come to a figure-8 shaped area of hallways lined with booths, and there's another set of hallways back through the bar area on the opposite side of the front desk. If the door is closed and the little light above the door is off, the room is empty. In the afternoon, many of the 58 rooms will be, but at night most of the closed doors will have right lights above them to indicate that a girl is inside entertaining a customer. Of course, if the door is open, there will be a girl inside, usually in lingerie, waiting to show you a good time. They usually have around 50 girls working, but for a real-time count, you can check their website.

Among the dozens of girls, you should be able to find at least a few who turn you on, even though most of the real stunners prefer to work in the New Town clubs, where they can get paid significantly more per session while dealing with slightly less sketchy guys. The only real advantage to ShowPark from their perspective are that the guys are less likely to be hammered and they don't have to waste time or energy giving a sales pitch. That's enough to usually get one or two 9's working, but the majority of the workforce is made up of girls in the 5-8 range. As you'd expect, they're mostly 20-something Eastern European white girls, but the mix of body types and nationalities is enough to keep things interesting, and I've always found a few black girls working, which is fairly rare in Prague. You might not find your dream girl, but, overall, there's enough variety and quality that I wouldn't think twice about paying the relatively cheap cover to take a look.

Assuming that you do find a girl you like, you should negotiate the price and services so that you don't get upsold, but it should be 1000 crowns (about $50 US) for 20 minutes of a blowjob and sex (both with a condom). Some girls will offer extra services and you can always negotiate a price for more time, but the 1000 crown option seems to be the de facto choice. Some of the girls are a little rough around the edges and, of course, some are friendlier than others, but you shouldn't have any terrible sessions as long as you act like you know what you're doing.

As for the rooms, they're similar to what you'd find in Amsterdams red light district, but slightly nicer. They all have multiple mirrors on the walls and the beds are fairly large, so you can really get comfortable while viewing your girl from a variety of angles. There's also a shower inside each room. Many girls will expect you to wash up before your session, but the real benefit is that you can wash up afterwards so that you're more comfortable when you've had enough of ShowPark and want to hit the town.

Overall, I wouldn't come to ShowPark expecting to find stunners like you'd see at the German FKKs or even ladies as hot as those at K5 Relax, Atlas or Darling in New Town Prague, but, if you're looking for sex from fairly attractive ladies at bargain basement prices, you'll probably be glad you stopped by.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Keystone Cafe (also known as Shaker's) was the temporary home to many of the Pleasant Moments girls for much of 2011, but now that Pleasant Moments is open again, the Keystone Cafe has gone downhill drastically.

Quality of Dances (15/20) - You'll get full two-way contact and plenty of grinding during these lapdances, but if you're looking for more than a dance, it's no longer available since they've shut down the private rooms. Several girls initiated discussions about meeting outside the club for a relatively small fee and I wouldn't be surprised if they reopen the private rooms eventually, but I won't be re-visiting this club any time soon to find out. The bottom line is that, even though the dances are decent, the girls are so unattractive that you shouldn't bother with them whether or not you can find girls who are willing to do more than that.

Quality of Dancers (0/10) – I don't think I've ever given a club a goose egg for dancer quality, but when I'm wishing that the girls were giving airdances just because I'd rather that they not touch me, that's a bad sign. I haven't seen a single girl that I'd rate above a 3 since Pleasant Moments reopened.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Even without many customers, it's unacceptable to only have one dancer working, as they did during one of my recent visits. And when they do have more dancers, it still doesn't help matters too much since none of them are attractive.

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – The was a decent mix of black and Latina dancers here when Pleasant Moments was temporarily closed, but most of the Latinas have migrated back there now that it's reopened, so this is almost exclusively a black club now. When it's done right (as it is in Atlanta), I love black clubs, but this one certainly isn't done right.

Attitudes (4/10) – A lot of these ladies are desperate, so they'll act really friendly for a while, but they don't take "no" for an answer once they start the sales pitch. I've ended up feeling bad for them and buying pity dances, but you'd be better off avoiding the situation altogether by not coming to the Keystone Cafe.

Value (8.5/10) – There's no cover, bottles of Heineken are only $2.75 and dances are a solid value at $20 each. There's usually no stage show, but I can overlook that since beers are no more expensive than they'd be at a regular bar.

Club Setup (1/10) – This place is a dump. The bar takes up most of the main room, leaving little room for a stage in the back. There’s a much larger stage is a spacious second room that I assume is used when they’re busy, but I've never seen anyone over there.

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – The barely converted bathroom that was being used as a private lap dance room is no longer in use, so you now get lap dances in a small curtained off area in a brightly lit corner of the club. There are two chairs and a couch in there, so you'll have no privacy if there's more than one person getting dances at a time, but that usually won't be the case. so you should be alone.

Atmosphere (0/10) – If the girls don’t feed the jukebox, the music doesn’t play, so you might end up awkwardly sitting around watching whatever weird TV show the bouncer feels like putting on. It actually doesn’t seem too dangerous by Bridgeport standards, but you'll probably get some suspicious looks from the regulars upon arrival and I can’t imagine ever wanting to hang out here, especially late at night.

Location (0.5/5) – The Keystone Cafe is in downtown Bridgeport, but you’re on full display to a busy street when you walk in the door and I was less than confident that my car would be waiting for me when I left.

Overall – The Keystone Cafe aka Shaker’s is a shitty club that you shouldn’t even consider visiting. While their private room was open and Pleasant Moments was closed, it was maybe worth a considering if you were looking discounted brothel services in a strip club setting, but it's not even an option for that anymore. I can't imagine that this place will stay in business for long because they really have nothing to offer at this point.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Quality of Dances (10.5/20) – In Prague, you generally won’t get an extras-free lap dance with lots of grinding – it’s either a full service place, or it’s a nude, two-way contact, grindless dance. At Goldfingers, it’s the nude, two-way contact, grindless version. I found it to be fairly enjoyable overall, but I really do wish there was some sort of middle ground for customers like me who want to stop just short of fucking for money.

Quality of Dancers (9.5/10) – The ladies at Goldfingers are among the finest that I’ve ever seen. A few too many implants and an average age that’s slightly higher than at most of the other clubs in the area prevent them from maxing out this score, but even factoring that in, these ladies are pretty close to perfection.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There are usually plenty of ladies in the building and most of the stage shows include multiple (up to 4) girls, but it looks less impressive because they don’t work the room all that much, and they disappear to the dressing room if customers aren’t buying them dancer drinks that start at 600 crowns (about $30 US). Still, since this is primarily a sight-seeing club, it’s nice to be able to see the sights on stage for an extended period of time without seeing any repeat performers.

Variety of Dancers (0/5) – I don’t have anything against thin white girls, but I like to see a little more variation than Goldfingers offers, because the look can get a little boring when it’s shared by every lady in the place. Or at least it would get boring if the ladies weren’t quite this stunningly attractive.

Attitudes (2.5/10) – Normally I’d be frustrated by girls who don’t circulate through the crowd, but since this place relies on selling dancer drinks, it’s actually kindof nice to not have girls constantly approaching. When the ladies do finally stop by, they’re actually very friendly and don’t give much attitude if you decline to buy them a drink. They do, of course, leave instantly, but they do that at every club I’ve ever been to in Europe if you’re not buying marked up beverages. These ladies do generally ask for tips, but, overall, the attitudes aren’t too bad.

Value (3/10) – You can usually get entry and 5 beers for 300 crowns (about $15 US), which is an amazing deal, but they charged me 450 crowns during my second visit with no drinks included, so I’m not sure what’s going on. To be safe, you could find one of the guys in the square who get paid to bring people to the club and get them to get you the deal. Once you’ve used up your ticket, additional beers are a reasonable 90 crowns, and you can take in the excellent stage show for free. Most of the shows are choreographed and some of them even include lesbian action. During my first visit, I wrote down that there was a double sided dildo show, but after downing my 5 beers here, my 5 beers across the square at Cabaret Carioca, lots of absinth and some Becherovka, I have no recollection of that. Maybe it actually happened, but it definitely didn’t during my second trip here. Either way, just know that the stage shows alone make this place worth visiting. The actual lap dances are a little overpriced though, with non-contact dances going for 1000 crowns, full-contact dances for 1500 crowns, something called the “pussy galore” (no idea what that is) for 4000 crowns or the champagne room for 8000 crowns (about $400 US).

Club Setup (7/10) – This is a very classy club spread over two floors, though the upstairs is basically just an empty balcony that overlooks the main stage. Downstairs, there’s a very nice, large stage in a sunken part of the room, and it’s surrounded by small tables and moveable chairs that have a great view and are perfect for solo customers or groups.

Dance Setup (5/10) – People in the main part of the club are separated from the dance area by a curtain and there are dividers between each dance bench, but there’s nothing blocking the view of anyone who’s walking by.

Atmosphere (8/10) – This place has a great party vibe and really feels like it should be in Vegas. Whether you’re part of a bachelor party or looking to relax and take in the stage show, the atmosphere at Goldfingers is just about perfect.

Location (5/5) – Goldfingers is beneath the Hotel Ambassador right on Wenceslas Square in central Prague. It’s within walking distance of most of the hotels in the city, and it’s just seconds away from several other strip clubs.

Overall –You might ultimately prefer Cabaret Carioca among the sightseeing clubs, but the girls are so hot and the stage shows so impressive, you should plan to stop by Goldfingers at least once during your visit to Prague unless you’re strictly interested in clubs where the girls are willing to fuck.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Quality of Dances (1/20) – The girls rub up against you a fair amount, but all that you really need to know is that the clothes stay on and your hands have to stay at your sides. The bottom line is that these dances are a waste of time and money, though the classic rock that’s frequently playing does at least mean that you’ll get a fairly long stretch of clothed awkwardness for your $20.

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – Maybe the knowledge that Courtney Love was a dancer here lowered my expectations too much, but I was actually impressed by the ladies that were working. There were one or two young ones and one or two who were probably in their 40’s, but most of them were fit girls in their mid to late 20s with real tits. Unfortunately, I have no idea how they looked with their clothes off, because I never saw any of their wearing less than a bra and thong. I don’t know whether they ever strip down to less than that or not, but they didn’t while I was there.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Jumbo’s had a dozen girls working the evening shift and about half that during the day, which isn’t too bad since the place is tiny and since you shouldn’t be looking for a girl for a lap dance anyway.

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – There’s some age variation and about an equal number of blondes and brunettes, but if white ladies aren’t your thing, you’ll probably want to go elsewhere.

Attitudes (7/10) – They’re are all happy to sit and chat and seem to enjoy joking around with customers and with each other. For the most part, I got the impression that these ladies really do work here because they enjoy it rather than because they feel like they need to, and the positive vibes are noticeable.

Value (4/10) – The lack of a cover charge is a good deal, $5 beers aren’t bad and $20 dances would usually be acceptable, but I need better bargains than that to consider it to be a good value in a bikini club. Plus the stage show is pretty lame even if you can ignore the fact that the ladies are wearing as much clothing as the average beach-goer, and tipping at the stage doesn’t seem to get them to step their game up. Regardless of what you do, they just do their thing… which isn’t much.

Club Setup (2/10) – Jumbo’s is the smallest club that I’ve ever been to. There’s a bar in the back of the club, several seats at the medium sized stage, five small round tables and a few stools by a tall bench, but even with the mirrored wall to make things seem bigger than they really are, this place still feels tiny.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There’s only one seat for lap dances and the a light above it shines on you like a spotlight. There’s a divider between the lap dance seat and the bench beside it, but it doesn’t really block anyone’s view. Though I guess no one will be catching you in a compromising position anyway.

Atmosphere (8/10) – If there’s any reason to visit Jumbo’s, it’s the atmosphere. They play lots of solid classic rock, there’s little to no hustle, and it’s so non-threatening that the Zagat raters got to it before I did, so it’s the perfect place to take a girlfriend or a buddy who doesn’t normally visit strip clubs.

Location (5/5) – The club is in Thai Town in East Hollywood and is only about half a block from the Anthony Bourdain-recommended Sapp Coffee Shop. If you’re getting dinner in the area anyway, and I’m glad that I did, the location could not possibly be more convenient.

Overall – It doesn't work as a strip club, but that isn't necessarily what Jumbo's is going for anyway. If you enjoy bikini clubs, you'll probably like it because it does have a good atmosphere and relatively attractive, friendly dancers.