Friday, February 4, 2011

Cracked....OR The Slowest Way To Tear A Bandaid Off

I'm having a struggle. An internal one and an external one. You see I am far too complex to have just one struggle at a time. *quirks eyebrow*

My external struggle? My diet is kicking my ass. I lost 10, gained back 4, lost 3 and again gained back 4. I am irritated. I just typed and erased "I am stuck and a little lost" ... I erased it because it's not entirely true. I know my diet isn't as good as it could be. I am working towards fixing that. I am finding things I cannot have, things that don't work for me anymore and things that do. I've found that if I don't eat my three meals a day... I snack more... and then I gain some weight back. So I'm fixing that...I'm either not buying any snacks or buying ones I don't like for the other people in the house. The same thing happens if I don't eat healthy meals... if it's a healthy meal it's more filling and I don't snack. I've also learned that when I don't eat healthy... I am tired all the time. When I do eat healthy I don't nap, I don't drag my feet. For weeks before the diet and even on days where I've had trouble sticking to it it's happened. I eat crap.. I get tired, lethargic even. I am almost willing to bet money that Sephi could pin point the days I had trouble with my diet, or even when I started it or have my free day because I always end up going for a nap. There are some days where I'll nap just because I'm exhausted and it doesn't have anything to do with my diet but there are a lot of days it does. The week before Cael put me on the diet was one... and there was a week not too long ago where it was bad. I didn't do horrible diet wise... but it definitely wasn't healthy like I normally would eat on the diet. This is where I get confused because I'm not eating junk, or if I do its on my free day and if it's not on my free day its such a tiny amount.. I don't know if this is a break that would get me punished and I need to tell Cael or if it was just a slip up in my day but I didn't do that badly so its okay. I know it'll improve come monday because the exercise is starting then. And for the first time I am actually looking forward to it. I want to be done with this so badly.

My internal struggle is very different from the external. Part of me wants to lose the weight and be comfortable and okay with myself and be able to do what I want, wear what I want, be with Cael the way I want to be. That is pretty much the largest part of my focus right now. The other part is something I just recently noticed. Its fear. I have had this weight for a long time. I have struggled with it for years. And part of me is scared of what will happen when I lose it. I think in a way the weight has become a crutch. Something to hide behind. Something that in a way has dominated me pretty completely. For years I did my best to be invisible... and I succeeded pretty damn well. The people I went to school with... some don't remember me because I was so quiet... the others would say I was quiet and kept to myself, my little group. I'm not that way anymore because I finally over powered that fear of being noticed and made fun of for the weight. Because that is why I was so quiet, so reserved... not because that's the way I am but because it was fear. I have grown and changed and there is very little of that girl left.... but that fear is still there sometimes. It's why I'm not comfortable in groups I don't know. Even in groups I do know I stick close to where I'm comfortable. The weight has been there and dominated the way I act for so long... that I'm not sure how to feel without it there. I'm not even sure it'll matter. I may be fine and not give it a second thought. People keep asking why Cael is so important to me.. he's important because he is the only person in the world that I didn't initially hide from, he's the only one that got the real me without the fear and reservations. And even now I pull back on seeing each other right now because I'm scared he'll see me and change his mind. Decide I weigh too much and not want me anymore. I've been told by the few people I told about the fear that it was stupid or that he cared about me... but I hesitate. It's happened before, and that? that is crippling. I know Cael is nothing like the guy that did it but it's still scary.

There are parts of me that are ashamed of the way I look... there are parts that are okay with it some days. Those parts war on each other some days. I hate mirrors. I've noticed a bit of a change since I started the diet but not a big one. Not one enough to make me comfortable. I mentioned a post or so ago that I'm more comfortable with lying around naked... and that's true. I am. But it's not a complete thing. I couldn't stand it last night. I ended up getting dressed so I could sleep. I am getting better, everything in general is getting better. It's just a long damn fight.

Like with everything there are good days and there are bad days, today is one of those bad days where your mind turns inward in search of all those dark corners, and drawers that have been hidden away and covered with dust and cobwebs. Today is one of those days where you wait for your happy place to find you because you feel like you're drowning. I can rage and scream and cry until I'm hoarse, and I know it'll be okay because I know he understands it. Because I know he can cry and rage and scream with me or on his own. Because I know we each have our own issues, our own battle. Because I know he's never going to tell me I'm weird, or damaged. Because he is that safe place.