'Charlie Sheen: Turn Off The Dark' Opens On Broadway

The producers of the Broadway show "Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark" have found an interesting way of 'fixing' the show before it's oft-delayed Broadway opening by combining it with Charlie Sheen's Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour.

"For the first time in over a year, 'Turn Off The Dark' is the second-most horrific stage show in the country, and we wish to harness this," said T.O.T.D. executive producer Uwe Boll. "This Sheen fellow is the disaster we need.

"I'm here to solve a portion of this grand mystery," Sheen boasted from the stage. "I am finally here to identify and train the Vatican assassin locked inside each and every one of you."

"Freedom from monkey eyed…sweat-eating whores. Freedom from the dour and sour taste of malignant reproach… I'm a giant and leaky bag of mayhem."

"They took my awesome children, he continued. "They took my sometimes bitchin' job… And when they thought there was nothing left, they tried to take my heart and brain and titanium spine. But they could not."