"Things are looking mighty fine," announced the prehistoric
invertebrate, taking measure of his surroundings through a series of
small, hexagonal eyelets located at the tip of his thorax. "Sulfurous
gas seems to be bubbling up to the surface pretty good, and several
single-cell organisms appear to be mutating at a rather steady pace.
Also, just today, I developed the ability to roll into a small
protective shell in order to avoid predators."

Added the trilobite, "Yup, this evolution thing is going great."
According to the 4-inch-wide arthropod, the entire planet—once
nothing more than a large, tedious mass of molten rock—has really taken
shape recently....

Prominent ethnochoreologists now believe that roughly 20,000 years ago,
early humans finally consumed an amount of fermented fruits and
vegetables staggering enough to develop the impulsive series of rhythmic
movements known today as dancing. "While human beings had experimented
with rudimentary forms of shimmying and gyration as early as the
Neanderthal period...

Following the lethal poisoning of more than a half million people
over the course of several millennia, cultures across the globe finally
learned how to identify which mushrooms could be safely consumed.

"Thousands upon thousands of human beings sacrificed themselves to
determine which varieties of wild mushroom are delicious and which will
paralyze and kill you on the spot," historian Marcus Whiting told
reporters....

Members of the earth's earliest known civilization, the Sumerians,
looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord
Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.

According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform
script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of
writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their
sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached
down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their
thriving civilization.

"I do not understand," reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting
the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching
his head. "A booming voice is saying, 'Let there be light,' but there is
already light. It is saying, 'Let the earth bring forth grass,' but I
am already standing on grass."...

Following 1,000 years of cultural decline and societal collapse known as
the Dark Ages, the 15th century brought forth the Renaissance, an
unprecedented resurgence in learning and the arts, which four or five
guys pretty much just strapped onto their backs and carried the whole
way.

"Our research indicates that da Vinci, Michelangelo, Shakespeare, and
Galileo basically hoisted the entire intellectual transformation of
mankind onto their shoulders while everyone else just sat around being
superstitious nimrods," said Sue Viero of the Correr Museum of Art in
Venice, Italy. "Here's da Vinci busting his ass to paint such
masterpieces as The Last Supper and the Mona Lisa, while some loser like Albrecht Dürer is doing these dinky little woodcuts that are basically worthless."...

Inclined Plane: A simple machine consisting of a flat surface
whose topmost point is higher than its bottommost point, this is yet
another example of mankind's propensity for "inventing" things they just
found lying around.

Printing Press:The mass production of printed matter
was an instant hit with readers everywhere, who at the time numbered
nearly 1,000 and were spread out over some 57.4 million square miles.

Easy Cheese: A pioneering aerosol-powered food- delivery
system that made it possible for people
to discharge high-velocity
streams of cheese directly into their mouths, usually from a prone or
inverted position [the correct spelling is 'cheez' -ed]....