When I set out to do Jan Story Circle with the theme Beauty of Him, I had no idea so many more things would be put in motion with #timesup and the Golden Globes. I had no idea some women would be so visceral and angry. But it happened. And I learned. I was exposed to the depth of pain so great that even discussing what we like about men was seen as an attack on the solidarity of sisterhood.

So why would I do it? What was the point other than to stir up the pot?

To begin with, I have a husband who I love and admire. Things aren’t always rainbows and sunshine and that’s not his fault. Often it’s the challenges of having my shadow, my mirror, reflected back on me. And vice versa.

What I have learned in my 12 years of being with him is that if I want more love, appreciation, respect, recognition from him I have to positively reinforce those behaviors. I have to celebrate them and celebrate him. Like most people, and dogs, we respond better when praised for what we do well than being yelled at for all the shit we do that’s “wrong.”

In understanding this about my own relationship and extrapolating out I think we can all do better (men and women) to applaud and celebrate each other for all the amazing things we do so we will do more of them.

I certainly don’t condone the poor behavior and the patriarchal paradigm we’ve been held under for way too many centuries. But I also hear that men are lost. Some are afraid to speak to women now. They’re not sure what to say or how to engage. And yes, they’re afraid of the backlash.

“So what,” you may ask?

For all the male bashing and anger towards this sex I know equally, if not more, women are looking for a partner in their life that they can connect with. That will support them, love them, protect them...characteristics mostly attributed towards men. How are we going to get more of what we want if we keep focusing on what we hate?