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Topsy and Tim – Mummy Loses The Plot

It is Sunday lunchtime at Topsy and Tim’s house and Mummy has been making a delicious roast dinner whilst listening to the twins complain about how difficult their lives are.

She is in a happy mood and nothing will break her. Even when Tim pisses all over the toilet floor (again) she cleans it up with a heart full of joy.

Mummy has just finished Febreezing Tim when she hears the key turn in the lock. Oh good – Daddy is home from surfing!

Daddy likes going surfing because he is approaching 40 and struggling to come to terms with his rather pathetic existence. Daddy is the twins favourite parent despite the fact he prefers surfing to spending time with them.

Mummy knows they are joking and that they appreciate everything she does for them deep down.

‘OK everyone dinner time’ she calls.

Mummy is looking forward to the delicious meal because family time together is very precious. It’s lovely to sit down around the table and have a proper conversation…

After dinner the twins carry on being cute and adorable so Mummy makes herself a nice mug of tea wine and sits down to read the Sunday Times Style supplement.

Aaaaaaaaand relax…

Mummy might sometimes feel tempted to tell Topsy to PISS RIGHT OFF but she is a good person and she knows that children are a blessing so instead she takes everybody to Hobbycraft and spends £137 on glitter glue.

Later on, to thank her for her generosity, Topsy throws Mummy’s expensive perfume out of the bedroom window for fun.

It is now 7pm which is the twins bedtime. Mummy breathes a sign of relief – she has been so patient and kind all day that we mustn’t begrudge her looking forward to getting the children to bed.

Unfortunately instead of going to bed the twins choose to spend 2.5 hours dicking about. When they do finally make their way upstairs there is an exciting revelation…

Bollocks.

The twins would love to help Mummy but it is now 9.37pm and they are very tired from all of the dicking about.

Daddy would love to help Mummy too but he is busy having a midlife crisis and looking up wanky sports cars he can’t afford on the internet finishing off an important work presentation. Instead he pops in every 20 minutes to get another beer and offer some constructive feedback.

I LOVE MY LIFE thinks Mummy as she attempts to fashion the dome out of Muller Crunch Corner pots.

Mummy finally crawls into bed at 2.37am. She is exhausted but thankful. ALWAYS thankful.

At 3.48am Tim wakes up in a pool of piss.

At 4.47am Topsy wakes up because she has been having a nightmare about the whole family getting chopped up by a huge machete wielding bunny rabbit.

At 5.25am the twins wake up for the day. Mummy has had approximately 18 minutes of sleep which is fine. It’s just fine isn’t it?

But she is feeling a wee bit tired so instead of making them their usual organic Goji berry granola she gives them the iPad and a packet of KitKats for breakfast.

It’s a one off ok!!!!!!!

Mummy carefully carries the Muller Corner Taj Mahal to school, she is very tired now and looks a bit like an extra from The Walking Dead. On the way they bump into Capable Louise. Capable Louise has about 50 children who always look nice and clean and clean and nice.

Oh dear.

There is a long awkward silence as Mummy processes this information.

She tries to think of something a nice mummy would say but she CANNOT!

SHE IS ALL OUT OF NICE.

She has had enough…

Don’t fuck with Mummy you ungrateful shits!

THE END.

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Psssssst my new book is out NOW in all good bookshops and supermarkets or you can nab copies from Amazon here :)

If you like you can also come drink gin with me on my book tour! Dates and locations are here

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83 thoughts on “Topsy and Tim – Mummy Loses The Plot”

You are awesome. I particular like your beige dinners from the freezer – we are having a lot of those this week. The daddy mid-life crisis can go on for quite a while, we have now weathered kite surfing, kayaking, dingy sailing and are fighting the ‘we need a yacht’ rearguard action as we already own a VW camper van and cannot be in both at once. Many hurrahs for gin. xxx

Love the daddy midlife crisis. Mine does mountain biking, climbing and ski touring. We also have a VW campervan and am fighting a rear guard action against ‘we need a yacht’! Glad to know I am not alone!

Oh the joys! We have the campervan. The dogs for canni cross country running that never happened. The cycle thats never been used. Thankfully he hung his football boots up a while ago.
As for the kids. Somehow they became adults. We have grandkids now.
The midlife daddy crisis thing just hasnt subsided yet

To be fair men aren’t all complete idiots, all the time. For starters I doubt you could make a complete idiot from one man AND quite a lot of the time we are (drunk and asleep) usefully out the way trying to be helpful by not making things worse. Also, given that you don’t want us (like you used to) a few of us get confused and hope that, by being the devil may care, wind in our hair, out door macho man, we believed we were when you ‘fell in love’ with us, you might want us in that way again! A mid life crisis being better than screwing it all up with some stupid 25 year old tart. Lastly, we can still get things down from off the top kitchen shelf and lift a silly heavy thing up for you, when asked, but will NEVER be mind readers – so not all bad then eh!

Haha this cracks me up: I am married to a 43 year old mountainbiker, windsurfer, kite surfer and dinghy sailor (his 40th present!). He also wants a bigger boat, a VW campervan and a motorbike!! Meanwhile I now have a Hobbycraft loyalty card for all the baking and craft projects with my children!!! I’m also still night time nappy training my 5 year old twins!!

That is Tena-lady funny!! I love your stuff. Sadly, as I am the much younger, 3rd wife I am the midlife crisis so I’ve decided to push on through with a ‘let’s keep him young and fun’ strategy of “we need a swimming pool!!” We have neither room or finance for such a venture but I’m pushing on with this jolly thought as everyone’s enjoying the prospect enormously and not looking at all terrified at what might come next, hahahaha!!!! Xx

I absolutely couldn’t do half of the things my amazing wife does for our kids, so I try to pick up the chores I can do. I also have a shed full of electronic bits (and a lot of other places with them too) and I’m seriously addicted to trail running.

When I was little we had a topsy and tim book, and mummy looked…well… normal. A bit scruffy, a bit haggard, not very trendy. I really hate the new TV show and books, where Topsy and Tim’s Mummy has been pimped within an inch of her life! Perfect hair, teeth, nails, fashion, house, kids and always smiling. So smug, so unrealistic!!! Bugger off perfect Mummy, we want normal!

I’m LOVING this, we all know the super competitive alfa-over achieving mother. I fucking hated her and her whey-faced (sorry insufferable rosy cheeked) brats. Always first at every dam thing, making my kid feel a right loser. Keep it up.

I’ve preordered three, did I say three? Yes. three copies of this book. One for me. Two for the best deserving of friends. Who have yet to be chosen. Actually I’ve chosen one set of friends. They just got married and have two kids. And this book is my present to them. Roll on sweet times! Xx

My daughter is obsessed with watching Topsy and Tim. I have to leave the room as I can’t compete or bear to listen to that sanctimonious, hand washing obsessed, oh so wonderful Mum. I was wondering when you’d do a post about that darling family and I love it – that’s one episode I would stay in the room and watch – perfect!

WHOA hang on a sec, I’m the Mummy and I’M the surfer/skiier/vw driver. Always have been. I prefer to refer to it as a ‘life crisis’ though. Brilliant work as ever. Thanks for the guffaws! I live just north of Brighton; Katie if you ever want to experience your own midlife crisis and try surfing just message me! X

I was sat in my car, a few minutes early, outside school for pick up. I thought I would browse FB to see what wonderful things other people have been doing with their lives today like sunning in Greece on a girly week away, taking their kids to the beach and posting amazing photos. It is as much as I can do to keep my eyes open because it is me having the midlife crisis and training for triathlons, when I come accross your blog.
The few outbursts of raucous laughter coming from my car had me receiving a few strange looks! What you describe rings so true, i can’t work out if we are ALL terrible parents or our kids are intermittently possessed!
Thank you, I shall be buying the book so I can keep reminding myself that it’s not just me!!

All good stuff and funny. Hope the book goes well etc.. However, you bring up a serious point, is martyring yourself the right way to parent? Have a mid-life crisis yourself, do something you enjoy (other than gin), go surfing with your husband and enjoy his company a bit and let the kids take a bit of responsibility for their own actions. The over parenting arms race you allude to is as much down to jokey articles like this as the cyber woman. Or have I missed the point? It’s not about solving the problem is it? #mansplaning

I think you have a point – (even though you are right – it isn’t the point) the point is the empathy and acceptance that we are not all perfect parents all of the time.
But hell yeah get that kid to wipe up his own pee and get out more!

I had just read about you in the Saturday Telegraph (yeah ok, ok, I know, it’s Wednesday now but it lasts me all week) and thought I’d have a look at your blog. Absolute GENIUS. Have been laughing out loud (or LOL as us hipsters say). But this particular one had me howling. I have boy girl twins and a (now ex) wanker of a husband who loved surfing!!! AND he used to tell me everything I spent hours making for the kids bloody projects looked shite!!! Quality. He’s 53 now, still loves surfing and after two affairs with girls in their twenties has finally traded me in for a 30 year old. Bless. My twins are 20 now and bloody fantastic. So it does get better girls – honestly. Katie you are amazing. Thank you for brightening my day. Off to buy your book now…..

Wow – brilliant! Such a great observation of parenting today – I listen to my daughters and their friends, and you’ve captured it perfectly…you are a genius, and I’ve just been laughing out loud – will be buying the book as soon as poss – and have the girls’ Christmas presents covered too, thank you. May we all gather together and keep laughing at the absurdities – consolidation is key to preserving our collective sanity…and remember ladies, life improves when the kids get to 30 (honest!!). I just love it, keep it coming xx good luck with everything – following with great interest…… xx

Brilliant, I have twins who are obsessed with Topsy and Tim! Hubby and I find it highly amusing to come up with alternative commentary of what would really happen there. Also found it really funny when Topsy and Tims mum appeared in Casualty a few months back as a psycho lesbian!

Reading the comments it seems perhaps I am also the one with the life crisis of kayaking cannicross mountain walking etc! Strangely I am also not far north of Brighton, maybe there is something in the water?! Looking for the book now!

Last night during a girls night in, which involved way too much wine, I read this out loud. It had everyone in stitches. Thank you so much for not caring about what the ‘perfect’ mum’s think of you. My kids are teenagers now which brings a whole load more laughs and tears. you inspired me so much that I came home last night and wrote an awful, drunk Facebook post about how much I fail at being a good mother then dropped the F bomb!! I’ve deleted it after my daughter called me a mess but now I wish I was brave like you and not care x

LOVE IT from my knees in the kitchen. My DH went to work Monday morning, the day after the early and unexpected birth of my son leaving me at home all day with no food in the fridge, but it was ok cos I was fat and needed to shift that baby weight anyway

Is it a husband mid-life crisis? The crisis is the marriage which has oppressed all the things he’s have preferred to be doing for years and he has thought that enough is enough, I’m going (insert fun activity here), instead of getting bored in IKEA.

Nope. Get your facts straight.
Daddy is in fact looking at lycra on the internet. Unlike in the ‘good old days’ he is actually looking at it for himself rather than being scantily worn by underage anorexics. He realises, but won’t admit, that he is getting too old for surfing and you’ve told him that golf is not cool as it takes up an entire Sunday morning. He will of course soon start to dedicate 15 hours a week to triathlon related exercise – and 15 hours of ‘research into things beginning with ‘aero’ (not chocolate, UK). Whilst he will mostly start to hang around with overweight, pointlessly competitive men, you will not fail to notice that there are also quite a few single and childless women in his ‘group’ – most of whom are still good-looking and thin.

…wow love the book and likewise had me crying with laughter. I do love surfing and dream of buying yachts and wanky sports cars. I am your stereotype. However as other posts rightly say, the main reason being that surfing is the world’s least expensive sport as the “full time nanny / nursery / to facilitate daily gossip over coffee – combo” has wiped out by bank account, hence the yacht and car porn. The surfing is purely to reinstate the early twenties physique and machismo and win back our wives’ affections or should I say the somewhat mis-sold pre-wedding sexual goddess we naively thought they were……mid life crisis husbands: naïve, stupid, but strangely attractive right? At least the kids love us….

This is great… I can’t really relate to it though because my mother raised me (a special needs kid with an EXTREMELY RARE genetic anomaly/Dyspraxia, a target for bullying at school from kids and teachers alike and abuse from my useless biological father) pretty much alone, because my father is a sanctimonious, arrogant, self centred, abusive pussy (sorry to all the cat lovers out there!) who wouldn’t know what being a parent is if it jumped up and bit him south of the belt (he might as well be Lord bloody Voldemort!) he and my stepmother (not sure if she’s still with him, good luck to her if she is, she’s a nice person but she’s also a fool for marrying that belligerent asshat!) would go on 3-4 holidays a year and I didn’t even get a look and the one time they took me with them for a weekend it was too much!
my “dad” (the one who helped my mother raise me from when I was 5 until I was 11 and who wasn’t my biological father) died from alcoholism 23 years ago.
Money was tight for most of my adolescence (through no fault of my mother’s she worked bloody hard, blame the belligerent asshat for that because he was supposed to pay child support and for half f my uniform for school and dancing but we always had to go through the lawyer because he’s a selfish narcissistic hypocrite!) so when I was nearly 19 years old, my mother applied for a job abroad and got it. I refused to live with the belligerent asshat and going with my mother wasn’t an option so we had to look at care options. I’ve got my own flat now, in Glasgow, UK and I get 10 hours of support (also known as a care package) every week. I’m not employable though because not only do I have the extremely rare thing and Dyspraxia but I also have issues thanks to the belligerent asshat and his abuse (which the cowardly c*** denies!) my mother has remarried and lives in Houston TX. Her decision to apply for the job in Saudi in 2001 was the best thing for both of us.

You missed out the bit where Daddy gets grumpy and mega-disapproving because you’ve overdone the gin and you start making silly faces and do a silly dance to cheer him up and you overbalance and fall into the piano and mess up your face and get a massive bruise down your leg so you walk arund for hte next two weeks looking like you’re a battered wife and he tuts every time he sees you and tells you it’s all self-inflicted and it’s your own fault and tells you to cover up your bruises with makeup so people won’t think he beat you up.

You missed out the bit where Daddy gets grumpy and mega-disapproving because you’ve overdone the gin and you start making silly faces and do a silly dance to cheer him up and you overbalance and fall into the piano and mess up your face and get a massive bruise down your leg so you walk arund for hte next two weeks looking like you’re a battered wife and he tuts every time he sees you and tells you it’s all self-inflicted and it’s your own fault and tells you to cover up your bruises with makeup so people won’t think he beat you up.

Brilliant, can totally relate.
My twins are also obsessed with the god awful Topsy & Tim ….. there can’t be an adult alive who likes that programme. Does it irritate anyone else that they didn’t even cast real twins.

I read this out loud to my husband and couldn’t talk as I was laughing so much – tears pouring down my face.
This is the only blog I come back to (occasionally – having kids and you don’t get much time to yourself!) but I love it – well done and keep going.