Tim Grobaty: Our 20 reasons to vote for Mitt Romney

TTIM FOR MITT: Finally, Election Day is here and once Florida disentangles itself from its Goldbergian/steampunk election machines and Ohio finishes fighting off all desperate attempts at voting, we can find out which direction our country is going to take over the next four years.

We have been touting Barack Obama ever since he was a happy little community activist in Illinois, but the closer we've come to this day, the more heavy thinking we've done. And, let's face it, the highest-ups here have gently guided us toward the right (something about our bread being buttered on a certain side and that butter's relationship to the bleak job market for freshly fired journalists). So, in a grand example of our open-mindedness and willingness to consider all sides of an argument, we are endorsing Mitt Romney for president of your United States. And here are just 20 reasons why:

1. Turns out we have more money than we thought we had. A lot more. So we'll pay less tax under Romney. That will make us the happiest we've been in four years.

2. When we consider whether we're better off now than we were four years ago, the answer is no. When Obama took office we were only 53. That was better than the 57 we became during his time in office. Our hope for youth is rapidly dwindling. It's time for a change.

3. We look forward to the very wealthy paying less tax. More trickle-down riches for us!

4. We got hit really hard on the side of the head with a snow shovel.

5. While we like Obamacare, it was really Romney's idea. Let's have the man who invented compassion be in charge.

8. Romney is better for the environment. He wanted to let General Motors go bankrupt. Obama instead "rescued" General Motors and its smog-spewing, oil-quaffing products.

9. Obama got a fancy law degree from Harvard. Romney got one, too, but he didn't gild the lily by being president of the Harvard Law Review. That's just gaudy.

10. Mitt is a better and probably less-Muslim middle name than Hussein.

11. Romney was born in Michigan. There's absolutely no way of knowing for sure where Obama was born, but, in absence of an undoctored videotape of his exiting his mother's womb while holding a copy of that day's Honolulu Advertiser, we have to assume he was born in Kenya.

12. Romney has gallantly apologized for "making" his dog enjoy a fun and refreshing ride strapped to the roof of Romney's car. Obama has half-heartedly apologized for smoking dope in high school.

13. Obama wants to let the federal government continue to pay for Medicare, while Romney supports letting the elderly cut their own sweet deals in the lucrative private sector.

14. We have to admit we were largely swayed by bumper stickers such as "I'll keep my freedom, guns and money, you keep your CHANGE!" and "Somewhere in Kenya or Indonesia a village is missing its idiot." What really tipped us to the Romney side was "America or Obama. You can't have both." That is so true, when you think about it. Especially after the snow-shovel incident.

15. Obama said we didn't start our small business all by ourself, which really ticked us off, even though we've never had a small business. We do, however, write all by ourself, with no government assistance other than all the things we're not thinking about because we're so puffed up with pride in the fact that we write all by ourself.

16. Romney wants things to go back to the way they were (no specific date or era; just when we were very, very happy). Obama is still clinging to that tiresome "hope" thing and the "future" of America.

17. Obama plays a lot of basketball. Perhaps too much basketball. Romney was on the pep squad in prep school. We submit that this country needs pep more than a small forward.

18. Obama said he'd help New York and New Jersey after Hurricane Sandy. There's still water all over the place. Promise broken.

19. Paul Ryan wants to cut taxes for the very wealthy, end Medicare, give more tax breaks to big oil, slash education budgets, decimate Social Security and slay Big Bird. Joe Biden laughed at him during the debates. There's no excuse for bad behavior. Point: Ryan.

20. We're getting tired of blaming Bush for everything. With Romney as president, we won't have to do that anymore.