Harvard Faculty Resign En Masse Over New Sex Rules

“If we can’t bonk our students,” say professors in response to the new sex rules, “what’s the point of coming to class?”

Nearly half the faculty at Harvard (49.2%) have submitted their resignations to the college over its new policy forbidding sexual relations with students.

The group includes LGBT professors and graduate instructors alike, who say that their “constitutional right to the pursuit of random genitalia” is being “unacceptably infringed” by the new sex rules.

“Like most of us, I became a college professor chiefly for the nookie,” explained Dr Randy Bollocks, a pimply Professor of Computer Science with a bad case of halitosis.

“Nerds like me don’t get laid when we’re undergraduates,” he said, picking his nose.

“Ask Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer! Do you think they dropped out to found Microsoft? No, they were just horny. We nerds have to wait until we’re professors, or at least billionaires, to get laid. Sex is the main reason most of us stick around.”

Dr Bollocks emphasized that the majority of his colleagues were surely not in it for the money.

“We can all make much more in the private sector,” he said, taping together a pair of broken spectacles. “But the availability of short-sighted, inexperienced girls is — or used to be — the compensating factor that kept hundreds of guys like me on campus. We’re all desperately hoping to finally lose our virginity.”

Dr Bollocks noted that he himself was still waiting, because even under the previous policy it was difficult for spotty geeks like him to, as he put it algorithmically, “Control-Alt and Insert.”

He went on: “Why do you think Alan Dershowitz finally quit? You can tell just by looking at him he hasn’t had sex since the O.J. Simpson trial.”