December 28, 2013

I'm really good at not blogging for months. I think that I forget that it doesn't really matter, though, so I don't even feel guilty because it's my blog and it's for me. (Sorry, but it ain't for anyone else out there.)

I think the reason I haven't blogged is because all I want to do is post vague poems about no one in particular, but I'm not 16 anymore and I don't know if that's allowed when you grow past 16, so I kind of gave up.

There's a lot going on--just like always-- and I'm in the weird nostalgia mode because it's almost New Year's Eve and it makes me all crazy when that time of year comes around. I never really do much to celebrate--beside one time when I kissed a boy in the snow a lot of times--but this year I really want to do something exciting. Something that I'll never forget. (I'll stand by you when you say, "Mo, you know that's not happening.") But maybe I will. Maybe I'll kiss that boy that is off limits, or go bridge jumping in ice cold water, or burn a list of negative things from the year 2013. Or maybe I'll ring in the new year with my 9 year old brother because he doesn't have anything fun to do either. I'm a little nervous to ring it in though because 2014 is a year of big changes. My best friend moves to Africa, I'll finish my freshman year, and I'll leave my family again in August, and miss Christmas with them. I'll make a big decision in February, and I'll say goodbye to dear Mel who leaves back to Brazil for good. I'll move to a new city for the summer, but that's a good change. Those are all the things I do know, and what I don't know could be crazy too, you know?

I want to end this last week with no regrets. I don't have any regrets from this year, really, except for one that's lingering. I have to make a few things right with some people close to my heart. The problem is that I don't know if anything is actually wrong or if it's me just end-of-year-panic-thinking. I'm almost positive that that's a real thing. So, we'll see if that happens before Tuesday.

There's things I haven't understood about this year, there are things that I've loved and there's things that I would do 10 times over again. There's things I'd pay tribute to, and things I will never forget. Every December as I look back on the year behind me I always seem to think, "This has been the biggest year yet. I've had the biggest trails, the biggest smiles, and the tallest growth." This year is no exception. I want to run to someone and tell them all about how wonderful it was and how much I learned, but all the people that I usually run to are gone, and that's frustrating, but I will see them soon enough, and then I can catch them up on two sets of 365 wonders.

Well, this is all I have the heart power to let out because I'm not being very good at vulnerability today. My heart isn't on the sleeve of this jacket, but maybe I'll wear something different tomorrow with the perfect shape to hold my heart on my left forearm.

November 20, 2013

I understand that I've said a million and three halves times that "I've learned so much," and that it's so cliche of me to say. BUT, there is a reason it's a cliche. AND, isn't learning the entire reason that we are even here?

The lesson I learned this week--today it was set in stone--was long overdue, but I think learning things the hard way are the best way to learn them because you can add 8 other things to the list of "things I learned from 'XYZ'" than you can when you learn things the easy way.

I've always been a "pleaser" I guess. I've always denied it. I don't really like the thought because if you look at it logically there is absolutely-positively no way to please everyone. All logistics laid out on the table, (like a game of 52 card pick up--everywhere) I wasn't about to read any of those logic listed cards. I've always wanted to be perfect, to be big and successful and always wanted everyone to love everything that I did. Now, the reason that that doesn't work very well, is reasons mentioned previously AND, here's the big one: You can't really be pleasing everyone else if you aren't pleased with yourself first. That seems selfish, I'm sure, but that's not what I'm meaning when I say this. "You can't make anyone else happy until you're happy yourself." "You can't love anyone else completely until you love yourself." I'm sure you've heard these things a million times over, but something that isn't said very often is something along the lines of, "You can't please anyone until you are pleasing yourself." Same idea--different way to look at it.

Okay, so where am I going with this? Well, the past 8 months have been pretty hard. I wouldn't take any of them back, but they've been full of change and not all of that was on top of the "Changes That I Love List" and that caused a few problems, a few bad weeks, and quite a few tears.

I'm not going to give you all the gory details because some of them were in previous blog posts, and the negative things don't really matter anymore because I'm all about moving forward these days. (Or I try. Easier said than done. Especially being the over thinker/analyzer that I am.) But I am going to tell you that I've been pretty stupid. I've had some sort of blinders on and I couldn't tell you why other than the awful thing called PRIDE.

I've been so caught up in pleasing everyone, and comparing weaknesses to strengths (which are NOT comparable) and being too prideful to ask for help when I've needed it. I was/am doing the things I was supposed to--reading scriptures, saying prayers, and living righteously. Well, what I didn't realize was that I was letting Satan sit on my head and pick at my heart like it was his job and I was the one paying him to do it. You've (or more precisely, me.) have always thought that Satan only tempts you with all the "bad" things of the world like drugs, and sex, and cheating and the obvious sins, but being negative, giving up, and feeling sad is straight from that little Satan and sometimes that's hard to realize. Despite the fact that I was doing all that I was "supposed" to do I was still feeling frustrated and still feeling like I was ending up on the bottom of an icy hill and the journey behind didn't look like smooth sailing except on the way back down. I wasn't living the way I was supposed to because I wasn't choosing to be happy, and that's all that God wants for us--for us to be happy. I know, I know, you've heard all of this before, but please take it to heart--it's repeated for a reason.

Well, like I concluded the last paragraph, I wasn't choosing to be happy. I was choosing to be disappointed in my failures, and frustrations because I thought that was showing that I cared, and that I was really a good person because being angry with failure was proving something. (Don't ask me what, I couldn't tell you.) Some of the greatest successes have come through failures. Take that failure by the hand, show it to it's reserved space in the filing cabinet of your mind labeled, "Things I'd Never Do Again, But Can Surely Learn From"

The point I'm trying to get at (through many more words than I'm sure is necessary) is that success isn't measured by numbers, or grades, or the amount of money you make or even the people that you please. It's measured in the PROGRESS that you're making, and the spirit that you feel, and the people that you make smile. You can't make anyone smile with a frown and a negative attitude, can you? Honestly. That's sure a talent (that I don't know that I'd be proud of) because someones sadness has NEVER made me smile.

It's OKAY to be proud of your failures, and to be PROUD of your talents. It's okay to feel confident and it's okay to not be able to do everything. It's okay to ask for help no matter how hard it may be. I've had to humble myself and quit my job and ask my parents for help because SURPRISE I can't do everything that I think I can. I'm tough enough to continue what I'm doing and I just needed to make more changes. It's okay to be a little bit selfish. "Selfish in a good way," is how my lovely father puts it.

I was about to give up because I didn't think I could do it anymore, but what I figured out was simple. I've bitten off more than I could chew and I need to ask for help. I've needed to be okay being happy because being frustrated and tired wasn't proving that I was tough enough to go through hard things. That was doing the opposite. Being happy after a failure and moving forward is much more admirable. SO, I've accepted my weaknesses (Okay, I'm not perfect. I'm accepting them) and I'm moving forward because instead of climbing up that icy hill, the flat ground ahead is much more appealing right now. I'll find some bettter shoes and a few other people to hold my hand and and help me up that hill when the time is right.

Focus on the GOOD things, okay? Go to lunch with your dad because he'll probably be the answer to your prayers and bring you heaven on a platter with just a few silly, but completely true and inspiring, words.

Focus on the LITTLE things, okay? The smiles, and the leaves and the scriptures and the cute Bio TA and the snap-chats from your best friends and the way that your roommates speak a completely different language.

Focus on the times and the things that make you happy. Be rational, and make sure the important things are getting done, too, and always put the Lord first because everything will fall into place. (Don't even get me started on that or you'll be here for a million more words. I'll go there someday, soon.)

Write in a gratitude journal every night. It works miracles. (Thanks, Addison for teaching me that one.) Don't be afraid to humble yourself and fall to your knees in prayer and admit that you can't do it alone.

And lastly, remember who your family is. Your family are those that bring you up, not tear you down. Your family are those that text you everyday and get you through. Your Father in Heaven and your brother Jesus Christ are your FAMILY. Your family are the people you serve and those that warm your heart with their presence. Be others family, okay?

I love you lots. Keep your chin up. I know it's really hard sometimes, but I'll hold my hand under your chin if I have to. Give compliments, and be proud of what you do. Progress. It's all about progress.

November 3, 2013

**Disclaimer: this post isn't very well written, but it's little things that are real to me, so they're significant.**

At work this holiday season we have this little theme of "bright." And, as silly as it may sound to be carrying it over to here, I'm doing so because it impacted me.

Your "bright" is what inspires you. It's what gives you confidence, and makes you feel successful; happy. All of us have a "bright" and a "bright story." And I'm going to open up and be vulnerable for a moment and share with you mine.

So as we were told to think of our bright and I heard everyone's words that in short described their bright story I tried to think of something artistic and creative, different than everyone else, but the same thing kept coming back to me. Home. Home is my bright. And I don't mean home as a physical place, but a state of being, or a state of mind.

Home is my family. The way that McKay snapchats me every morning, and I talk to Owen on the phone, and the feeling I get when I hang out with Dalton and his best friends. Home is the way my mom texts me and that my dad calls me just to say hi.

Home is the way that my mom's coffee is made for her when she gets to Beany's in the morning, and that my dad knows where all the soda machines are in Utah County. Home is the smell of laundry on Sundays, and the smell of outside when the boys come in from playing. It's baseball season, and football season, and wrestling and eating out because we're all running a million different places that's home. Dad's truck is home. Home is kisses on the forehead and holding hands.

Lehi City is home to me. It's where so many memories were made. It's the way I feel when I walk in the Legacy Center--like I am safe, and known, and missed. Suzanne smirks at me, and Taylor is there to greet me at the front desk. It's the people in Lehi. Taylor and I so quickly fit. It's Ali, and Maddie, and Emmaline. I couldn't even call them my friends, but they feel like home. It's Taylor and Turner and the way they interact and that when I tag along, I feel at home. We disagree, the three of us, on most everything, but I feel safe, loved and at home.

Home is church. When I went to church the first time here, I just cried. It was a little piece of home. The spirit felt, and the values shared are home. You can walk into a sacrament meeting anywhere and just feel home. Home is missionary letter writing on Sundays, and Monday's inbox. It's journal writing and re-reading.

Music is home. The emotions evoked while listening to certain music is home. Missionary letters are home, and having 6 pillows on my bed is home. Home is the smell of chlorine, and my little swim kids.

Home is Eliza, flat out. Eliza is home. Her smell, her food, her laugh, her charm. She's home.

Home is the holidays, and buying gifts and Christmas music, and way too much food.

The smell of the auditorium, and that feeling of peace after walking into J's classroom is home. I walk in and people know who I am. I'm usually asked a question, or asked to run an errand, or fix something, and that's home. Reading a script, or going to a show, is home. Theatre is a home that I never thought I'd call home.

Home is Taylor and I's recent nightly phone calls just to catch up because those mean the world to me. It's Addy's texts, and Eliza's snapchats, and Turner's music. Emma's comfort, Young Nav's humor, and Kenzie's familiarity are starting to become home. Thank you, girls.

These are pieces of me; my heart of my sleeve. This is my home, and my bright. These things keep me going and keep me smiling, and I feel so blessed to have everything that I do. I can not imagine what life would be like without all these silly little things. Take a moment to step back tomorrow, to realize what you have, to come up with your bright story.