Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Cheap tickets you found online for the hit play “Hamilton” actually only gain you entry into an off-Broadway performance of “Van Buren,” a solo performance by an alcoholic actor who portrays the eighth president’s handling of the Petticoat Affair in painstaking detail. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are parachutes.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll lead a patriotic drum corps on a march through the streets. You’ll only stop after the chaotic rhythm manages to attract three-quarters of the Rainbow Family from the forest in the Pacific Northwest. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are M-80s.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll put out a cigarette in the parking lot of Awesome Mike’s Loud & Colorful Exploder Emporium. You’ll go in and drop more than $100 of your hard-earned cash, only to forget your free punk with every purchase. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are Snap Pops.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — The neighborhood kids will light a string of Black Cats in your mailbox. In a retaliatory move, you’ll overreact by cutting the brake lines on their parent’s cars. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are Roman candles.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll dust off the tongs and man the grill while rekindling your love for exotic meats. Unconventional as it may be, your ostrich burritos and barbecue rabbit will receive rave reviews from dinner guests. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are smoke bombs.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll admit that Jeff Goldblum’s performance in “Independence Day” is your favorite performance in the history of film. You’ll also admit that you’ve had an unhealthy obsession with Goldblum ever since “Earth Girls are Easy.” Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are fountains.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll engage in the world’s most consequential watermelon seed spitting contest. The winner gets $20. The loser has to move to Syria to join ISIS. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are bottle rockets.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be the belle of the ball in your American flag bikini. Pair it with a 12-pack of Zima and trashy dancing for a day no one will soon forget. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are lady fingers.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll unpack the family kazoos and join the Baldwin Pops Band’s Independence Day concert in Fairhope. Your skill will shine in a brief solo during the performance of “Proud to Be an American.” Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are sparklers.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll invite a dear friend to spend some time on the water during the holiday weekend, only to be met with the sarcastic reply, “A boat on the 4th of July? I don’t think I‘m that kind of white person.” Your lucky Fourth of July firework is a dud.