The NEW home of the OH SO PRETTY Hillbilly Mom, nestled in the heart of DoNotLand, where the Gummi Mary appeared on a plate of melted Gummi Bears and was unceremoniously half-devoured by a DoNot, and dumped in the wastebasket. The excitement of that day was rivaled only by the New Year's Day trip to Save-A-Lot, where a woman followed Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, stroked her arm, asked if she was married, and declared, "You are SO PRETTY."

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Mom Who Says Nay

Student requests that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom must simply say "NO!" to...

Can I miss your class tomorrow? So I can take a nap? Because I have a really important basketball game to play tomorrow night.(How about I assign you five pages of homework, worth 1000 points, due Wednesday morning, so you can miss the basketball game to do my homework?)

Can I trade books with Jenny? Because she has the number I really like, and it doesn't matter what book we have.(Can you stop wasting my time? Because I just put the books in numerical order by class period so I can spot a lost book owner easily by my number system, without having to peruse 100 book numbers at random.)

How much time do we have left? Can I go to the gym?(Can I come get you out of gym to sit in on an extra science lecture?)

Can I listen to my iPod while I do my work?(Can I break school rules willy-nilly just because I feel like it? Let's start with telling you what I really think when you ask a question like that.)

Can we work with partners on this assignment?(Can you read the board, specifically the part that says WORK ALONE, NO PARTNERS? I did not write that up there under the assignment just because I like to write with dry-erase markers on a dirty white board.)

Can I clean the outside of your windows?(You can not even reach the inside of my windows, because you are very short, and might want to look into getting your own series on TLC. I am saving those red feathers stuck to the window from where a cardinal bashed into it, because it adds a bit of color to my drab, everyday world.)

Kathy,If only. Sometimes some words leak out of my mouth that I thought I could keep in my head. They get the message.

Sinead,I don't really give a plump rodent's behind for Cardinal baseball. I used to be a huge Rams fan back when Cryin' Dick Vermeil was the coach, after Tony Banks was gone, in the Rams' heyday of Isaac Bruce and Ricky Proehl and Tory Holt and Marshall Faulk and Kurt Warner, before Mike Martz took over and started the downhill slide. But I digress. The Cardinals are not my cup of tea. My dad used to love going to Busch Stadium when Bob Gibson was pitching, because he said Gibby was no-nonsense about wasting pitches. I can't get into the players of today. Lou Brock, they ain't.