Although my anorexia nervosa didn’t come as a direct result of wanting to be thin, the more I fell into the depth of the illness the more this desire grew within me and everything I did revolved around trying to achieve it. Personally I find the need to be ‘skinny’ ridiculous and unnecessary- I’ve always been a firm believer that the body you are in doesn’t define you as a person. Yet! Here I am pondering how I can prevent looking ‘huge’ or ‘monstrous’ as my mind likes to call me. How both these perspectives can be in my mind at the same time is still a mystery to me.

It’s kind of funny, in the most terrible way. To someone who has always cared about their appearance I can see that their anorexia can thrive on that and make them stop eating because otherwise they won’t look good, but for me it’s not like that. I can’t really explain it because I’m not too sure myself what’s going on. My therapist and I established that anorexia nervosa is, for me, a symptom of my anxiety disorder-I felt in control, I didn’t have energy to overthink things etc… So why do I want to be ‘skinny’? Why do I want my arms to be smaller? My thighs to be further apart, my bones to be more visible? Even typing this makes me feel disgusted; why would anyone want that? What will anyone achieve by having these things? Like I said, for someone who believes there is such a thing as ‘ugly’ they may believe this will make them less so… but for me?

Why do I stare at myself constantly in the mirror and start shaking because my waist looks bigger? Why is it that when I see a glimpse of my reflection on a shop window I stop laughing and feel like my heart drops? It got to a point when I avoided mirrors completely because I knew it would just ruin my day. But is this all because I think I’m ‘ugly’? I’ve always thought that word to be quite superficial: beauty is not something that can be defined (it changes over time and in different cultures) so no one can be ‘ugly’ in my reasoning. And here I am, scared of the proportions and my knees! My nose, my lips, my smile…Perhaps the fear of looking ‘big’ stems from feeling like I’m losing control over myself and hence connects to my anxiety. This I guess could make sense even though the control initially was on just the numbers, not how I look.

Now, even though you may not suffer from an eating disorder but do suffer of being scared of/ disliking your appearance here’s a few things I’ve been trying to do to help myself out. I must say the thoughts are much quieter now then they were just two weeks ago.

Look at yourself. Do not avoid it. Avoiding anything just increases the anxiety of doing that activity . What I’ve noticed is that previously, when I just couldn’t stand to look at my body, I wasn’t really looking. My mind was foggy:it just saw what my disorder wanted me to see. Depressed and angry I would turn away and that horrible sight would stay fixed in my mind for long after. So I only managed to spot the bad things before turning away. Now I force myself to stare long enough to start seeing more and if I cry at the start then so be it. And suddenly look! See that scar that you don’t like on your forehead? Think of how many people think about Harry Potter when you show them it! Quite hilarious! And those eyes… how much have they seen? So many experiences, so much beauty! That alone makes them beautiful. And yes, your thighs are bigger than they used to be but think about how much more they can help you do now that they are a much more normal size. You see, you can spot these things if you really try.

Don’t let those unhelpful thoughts take over. Its terribly hard to do so but practice and time is all you need. Let me give you an example: just a few weeks ago I attended my end of school prom. The preparation beforehand was agonizing. After my friend did my makeup I looked in the mirror and froze- ‘It’s ok, you are just concentrating on your nose, it’s not really as odd as you think it is right now’ I remember telling myself. Just a few moments later I was bawling my eyes out, having seen my body in my dress and my finished look. I can now see that I had let my guard down and let all the thoughts flood in my head again. You really have to keep that strength going all the time until you’re really, really sure of yourself i.e. after calming myself down I started reminding myself that nothing was really happening, everything was in my head. So keep reassuring yourself and combat that negativity.

Look at pictures of the beauty standard around the world and across time. See how different they all look, is there really one definition of beauty for a person? No. Be your own definition of beauty.

Talk to someone. Using prom night as an example again, I was very lucky to have my sister, my friend and my my mum there to calm me down (THANK YOU).I expressed my fears and thoughts which was both a release of the tightness I felt inside but it also allowed the people around me to help me discard some of the irrational fears which would have remained if I hadn’t spoken about them.

Why does it matter? It’s so hard, during these episodes, to come to terms with the fact that actually looking good or bad isn’t important. It’s so hard to just let that feeling go because at that moment it feels like the whole world revolves around your appearance: why would you feel so horrible if doesn’t matter? Well, remember that when you were little you’d cry and throw a tantrum if you weren’t given a toy you really wanted. That seemed so important back then but now? You can’t even remember what toy that was.

So here you go. 5 ways to help you through difficult episodes of having a bad body image. I really hope these help some of you!

I must admit I still have times where these thoughts pop up out of no where; but let me tell you, I am getting there- and you can too.

]]>https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/08/05/dealing-with-bad-body-image/feed/5clarasrecoveryWhat It Feels Like To Be Anorexichttps://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/06/22/what-it-feels-like-to-be-anorexic/
https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/06/22/what-it-feels-like-to-be-anorexic/#commentsWed, 22 Jun 2016 10:18:53 +0000http://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/?p=614People just don’t seem to understand.

It’s not a ‘silly diet’ or something I can turn on and off whenever I want to. How I wish I could! It’s a struggle, a war- where both the enemy and the ally is yourself… which parts do you listen to? My mind just won’t shut up, I can’t stop those racing thoughts exploding in my mind like fireworks as I watch terrified as if from the eyes of a pet.

‘You don’t deserve that’ ‘If you eat that you’re a failure’ ‘No one will like you, you cant even control yourself’ ‘Life is pointless, why eat?’

And YES! I am scared- terrified to gain weight! But for heaven’s sake I’m not interested in looking like a model! It’s not about trying to look good, although for some it may start that way. Does a skeleton look ‘pretty’ to you? Weight for me is just an irrational fear not a means to look like say Ariana Grande. It’s just like the fear of germs for someone with OCD- they aren’t judged for being ‘vain’, being ‘selfish’. They can’t control that fear but so can’t I!

And trust me when I say this; I do know it’s an irrational fear. Why would gaining weight mean I’m worthless, stupid? Yet every time I am faced with a meal these words pop up out of nowhere, controlling what I do. Sometimes my illness can’t even justify this terrible fear it just screams at me that I cannot gain weight until I become so weak that I can’t help but listen.

Numbers. All I see is numbers. The weight, the calories, the grams of my oats! They just don’t seem to go away… Please! Give me some space for my thoughts! But no, anorexia won’t let you live, you are under it’s reign. It dominates your every waking moment. Alas! Even in your sleep your anxieties arise – you’re suddenly 100 lbs or you’ve lost your weighing scale. I’ve done more maths this past year than I’ve ever done in my life and I’ve never even enjoyed calculating- anorexia truly changes who you are.

It’s like a demon. How else can I explain it? . It seduces you, tells you you’ll be liked more, you’ll have the control- but its it who has it. You can’t control your feelings, anorexia does. You can’t control your life, anorexia does… It makes you cry over your lunch, makes you shout at your mum for a mistake with your food, makes you want to run away but how can you when the demon is within you? It wants you to die. Either by killing yourself or by devoting yourself to its commands- it will tear you to shreds either way, where’s the way out?

And oh how it makes you envious! For the food others can eat but also for the bones you can see on that other girl. And how it drives you mad! You have to be skinnier, eat nothing for a week, exercise like crazy- It turns everything into a competition! One that from the eyes of an outsider does not exist. It’s a silent one, but the deadliest there is. If s/he can get that skinny so can I, if s/he can be sick for this long, so can I. It gives a fake sense of security as you feel like you are finally succeeding , you can finally come first in something! It’s truly sickening.

It not only plays with what’s inside, it distorts your very own vision. From one day to the next your arms have become ten times wider, your chin has quadrupled… How could you ever let yourself become this way? You’re such an idiot, disgusting, no wonder no one likes you.

It’s sly, promises you happiness but all it gives you is false hope and delusion. It’s ironic how with every meal you skip, you are feeding it, making it stronger. It thrives on your weaknesses: you feel lonely? You’re too fat for anyone to like you. You failed your exam? You’ve eaten too much fat it played with your brain… Everything, every thing, becomes connected to food. That’s all you can think about- both dreaming about having an endless meal of delicious food and how to trick your parents into thinking that you’ve already eaten.

I’ve lied. So, so much. I was never one to do so before this illness. To my friend, whom I didn’t want to suspect anything: ‘I ate so much!’ ‘I love chocolate!’ ‘I had a cookie for breakfast!’. To my mum whom I wanted to trick into thinking I was fine: ‘I’m just trying to be healthy’ ‘There’s nothing wrong with me’ (I cannot express how sorry I am!)

‘Just trying to be healthy’ That was sort of true. Isn’t it funny how anorexia uses this as an excuse not to eat some foods. That cake has too much sugar, those chips too much salt. It can seriously damage your body! You might die if you eat that! But anorexia, my dear, not eating anything is what’s more unhealthy, is what will truly make me die.

I don’t know how to make you understand that this is no game. It’s a serious illness and I do not choose to worry the way I do.

But perhaps you’ll never understand- there’s nothing quite like this. Maybe all I can do is beg you to stop viewing me as a ‘brat’ or ‘spoilt’ because this battle is only within me and – luckily for you- you won’t ever have to experience what I’m experiencing right now.

]]>https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/06/22/what-it-feels-like-to-be-anorexic/feed/6clarasrecoveryYou Don’t Have To Prove Anything To Anyonehttps://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/you-dont-have-to-prove-anything-to-anyone/
https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/you-dont-have-to-prove-anything-to-anyone/#commentsMon, 02 May 2016 12:56:46 +0000http://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/?p=534Why is it that most of us live our lives in such a way that pleases others? It seems illogical to me that we base our days doing things that will make us accepted by people around us, rather than doing things that we would rather do and that please ourselves.

You only live once. How many times have you heard this phrase? But have you ever just stopped and really reflected on it. You have such a limited time on earth and once you are gone, you are gone. Everything you did in your life will no longer matter, whether you were popular or not won’t be important.So why is it that we think it so vital to make everyone around us like us or in some cases even envy us. It seems to me like everyone I know, with the exception of a very few, only do things that they think others would view as normal for them to do. Which, in short, means that most of us really live our lives for others rather than ourselves.

I cannot say that I’m someone who does not do this. I am, and always have been, a very big ‘people pleaser’. I rarely start arguments and hardly say no to people. It is only now, after countless times of doing things that I really did not enjoy doing, that I realise how wrongly I handled these situations. In fact I was so into my role as a ‘people pleaser’ that it took someone else (thank you Dad) to help me find my way out of it. I’m finally starting to express how I truly feel to people and slowly becoming someone who does things for me.

Not only does the act of ‘people pleasing’ become an issue because of how it prevents you living your own life; it can also be quite dangerous. As you can read for the title I believe that ‘you don’t have to prove anything to anyone’, because going back to what I said previously other’s opinions of you should not matter. Yet, I see people every day doing things that will help them prove a point to others. An extreme case that I have been a witness of for a while is amongst people with mental health issues. Especially with eating disorder patients, it feels as if people copy behaviours from each other just to show how sick they truly are. For instance, if someone with anorexia was diagnosed and given outpatient treatment instead of an inpatient admission they may feel that they would not be seen as a real anorexic unless they are taken to hospital. Hence they would try to make themselves more sick than they already are.

I have also seen the same behaviour with people with depression. It seems to me that some feel like others will not take them seriously for their mental illness unless they take medication for it or also experience as many symptoms as possible. Trying to prove to others that you really are sick is what is very dangerous. This is because the behaviour then spirals out of control as with every new proof you have, you feel the need for more.

It is hard to recognise this behaviour in yourself. I’m speaking from first hand experience here as even I could not see I was digging a very deep hole where I collected all these ‘proofs’. Again it took someone else (thanks Mum) to point out to me what I was doing. Before she helped me see the problem I would always feel quite hopeless and lost thinking about how silly I was to even complain about my problems when everyone else was so much more ill than me. Now I can see that what I was really feeling was the need to be more sick in order to really fit into the category of an ‘anorexic’.

It is quite a difficult concept to grasp but once you get the hang of it you’ll be able to recognise this behaviour in a lot of people and more importantly in yourself. For instance, now I can take a step back and think ‘Why should I care if my lowest weight was more that that girl’s? Everyone has their own experience and I do not have to prove to anyone that I truly am sick’. We have to learn to live our individual lives.

Hopefully this post will help you out of the hole you’ve been digging subconsciously. Just like my parents helped me see this perspective, I hope I helped you.

]]>https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/you-dont-have-to-prove-anything-to-anyone/feed/10clarasrecoveryUnderstanding and Beating Body Dysmorphic Disorderhttps://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/03/17/understanding-and-beating-body-dysmorphic-disorder/
https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/03/17/understanding-and-beating-body-dysmorphic-disorder/#commentsThu, 17 Mar 2016 18:29:19 +0000http://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/?p=447I think one of the reasons it’s so, so hard to recover from anorexia nervosa is the body dysmorphic disorder that often comes along with it. For those who don’t know Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is an anxiety disorder that causes a person to have a distorted view of how they look and to spend a lot of time worrying about their appearance (as stated on the NHS website).

For someone with anorexia nervosa, this disorder often characterises itself with an obsessive worrying about one’s size. Many thoughts that rush through my head for instance are: ‘My thighs look huge’, ‘My stomach is too big’, ‘My arms are too wide’, ‘My face is too round’ etc.

What many people don’t understand is that this isn’t a self absorbed preoccupation. It’s much more a felling of an intense loss of control, as you see your body in a completely different way than what you are comfortable with.

For some, the body dysmoprhia comes right at the start of the eating disorder. A person may see themselves much bigger than they are which may result in them trying to become less so by not eating. However in some cases, the body dysmoprhia comes along later on. For example, my own struck me recently as I am trying to recover and gain weight back. I cannot help but keep thinking about how I look. Not because I want to look like a model, as many seem to believe, but rather because it became an obsession; something for me to have control over now that I can no longer control the food I am eating.

I’ve concluded that the body dysmorphia, if we allow the eating disorder to be personified, is a way of it to keep hold of me. It’s telling me that I look huge so that I won’t eat, it’s telling me that how I look is the most important thing in the world and that I cannot let myself become any bigger. Just acknowledging this fact makes it easier for me to take a step back and process my thoughts more logically. It is not the healthy me that is so obsessive over my appearance, but my sick side, and I cannot let the sick side control the whole of me.

What I’ve found useful whilst having some of these thoughts is to stop what I’m doing and firstly calm myself down, as sometimes the thoughts can be so overwhelming. Then I simply talk to myself.

If you have an eating disorder you can probably relate when I say that it feels like there are two sides of me, one being the eating disorder. So, when I talk to myself I am, in a way, trying to quieten it down. I try to look at myself in third person, and imagine a bigger view around me. Is anyone dying? No. Did I hurt anyone? No. Is the world ending? No. Just asking questions like this makes my head feel a lot more clearer as I realise that nothing bad is actually happening and everything I’m feeling is only in my head.

Looking at the bigger picture is very helpful because I’ve realised how easy it is to forget everything else in the heat of the moment. If you think about your family, your friends, something you are looking forward to, that already gives you motivation to push the horrible thoughts away.

Now let’s talk about mirrors. Whether you avoid them or stare obsessively at them, there are times when you are standing in front of one and feel like everything is crumbling down around you. ‘You are a failure.’ ‘Look how disgusting you’ve become.”Why are you still eating so much? Can’t you see that you are way above a normal weight?’

These are just some of the thoughts that may occur in someone with this disorder’s mind. At first I didn’t know how to deal with it. I could simply not look in mirrors because it would trigger me so much to not eat. It took me so long to believe that the mirror, or the disorder, was lying to me. It’s still hard to not believe what I see, as you can imagine, but I’m slowly finding ways to convince myself otherwise. For example, I find it so hard to believe I am still underweight because of the way I see myself in the mirror. But then one day as I was sceptically glaring at my reflection, I thought to myself that probably if I wasn’t underweight I would not be able to see my ribcage. Looking more attentively I also told myself that if I wasn’t underweight I wouldn’t be able to see my collar bone sticking out so much. IF I wasn’t underweight my trousers wouldn’t be so loose on me.

Looking at yourself logically and finding some of these characteristics can really help you to see yourself a bit differently. And although your view of yourself may not change completely, you have to keep reminding yourself that those bones are visible and that’s a fact. You know your weight and that’s a fact. You cannot argue with facts.

I really hope this blog post gave you some help or at least a better understanding of this disorder and I wish you all the best of luck with anything you are battling with x

]]>https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/03/17/understanding-and-beating-body-dysmorphic-disorder/feed/3clarasrecoveryBLOGGStill Life – A Story About Depressionhttps://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/02/27/still-life-a-story-about-depression/
https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/02/27/still-life-a-story-about-depression/#commentsSat, 27 Feb 2016 13:51:10 +0000http://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/?p=451

Whether I’ve slept or not it doesn’t matter, my nightmares would just be a recreation of my daily life. I do not feel tiredness in my body. I do not feel my body. It is made of solid bronze and the only feeling I do feel is me aging every day. If someone were to touch me with their hands, my coldness would diffuse to their fingers, but their warmth would not reach me. If they were to knock on me, the emptiness inside of me would create a hollow sound just as if to mock and remind me of my blank existence.

But of course, not many people come by me; my spot in this park is quite hidden. Since the park had renovations and expanded it caused me retreating more and more into the abyss of the trees growing around me. They shield me. They grow everywhere and hide me from view, hide me from passers-by. Even though sometimes I think it could be nice to be seen, my trees are my safety net and going against them would only lead to change and chaos.

It is now morning and the newly woken sun is rising to fill the sky with light. I remember the days when sun rises were beautiful, when I could feel the warmth of its rays and happily breathe in the air of a new day. But today, like every day, I witness the sunrise with no emotion but the acknowledgment of it being a new morning.

The familiar chirping of a bird resonates behind me. I wait for it to come to me, not that I would move anywhere otherwise. The chirping gets louder and closer until finally the bird lands on my shoulder. My bird… my only friend. It remains still for a few moments before flying up again. Bird droppings fall down my chest creating an abstract pattern with the remains of previous droppings. To this routine, I make no comment but just remain still like always, watching the bird swoop down landing on my shoulder once again. From somewhere above in the trees another bird starts chirping, signalling it is time for my friend to leave. Without hesitation or a look back in my direction it takes off wondering towards the other bird. I take its departure indifferently and remain still, waiting for another day to pass by.

The spot my eyes are fixed on is very uninteresting. I’ve always felt like moving my eyes to a different location, perhaps it would make my days less dull. But my stiff and unmovable body impedes me from doing so. I am stuck. My eyes fall upon the roots of a tree which depending on the season becomes covered in mud, snow, leaves or grass. Some may find it interesting to see the change in such a small spot but it gives me no exhilaration. If anything, it only reminds me of how fast I am aging. I can feel little bits of me crumbling away; I can feel plants and moss covering me and weathering happening all over my once polished body. Perhaps it was this feeling that shut off the others. The constant reminder of my limited time here was too painful to bare and I became emotionless. I cannot say I have accepted this process but I now wish it would happen faster. Crumbling away completely as if I never existed: my numbness would cease to dominate me.

It’s about noon now and I can hear voices coming this way. If it was possible to become stiffer I would, hoping the voices won’t come near me or see me. I try to relax, reminding myself that my plants are protecting me. I’m safe. Sure enough the voices soon fade away as the people go on about their stroll.

And just like that, another day has ended and darkness now embraces the park. I try hard to switch off but sleep doesn’t come to take me to its world so I just stay still, waiting for the night to go by.

Another morning has commenced, and just as I prepare myself for another day of nothingness I hear a sound. It’s a rustling of leaves as if someone is trying to get through my trees. I hope it’s a squirrel or another small animal but I can hear it’s something bigger. A shoe emerges from some bushes and a whole person follows suit panting frantically as she sits down right where my vision lies. I hear laughter and a few people running and the girl starts shaking with fear. She holds her breath and listens out for the voices closing in on us. She finally begins moving once the voices can no longer be heard. She catches her breath and hesitantly stands up. I suddenly feel fear as she approaches me. I surprise myself. I haven’t felt such a strong emotion for quite some time. The girl is standing and studying me with curious eyes. I start wondering about how I must look. Probably like a disgraceful mess but I haven’t had to think about that before today. She comes closer yet again, and I can’t help but shudder, as much as a statue can, at her touch. She doesn’t pull away as others have done from the coldness but leaves her hand there as she investigates me closer. She begins moving her hand down towards my feet and without warning starts ripping out the moss and plants that have been growing on me. No! My plants! My protection! She can’t do that- I stop my trail of thoughts. Once again I am feeling something: anger.

The girl steps back once she’s finished ripping. I feel so exposed that my cheeks feel a little warmer, although I tell myself that can’t be possible. Unexpectedly she begins talking. ‘You’re a pretty thing, aren’t you?’ Her gaze travels up to my face as she continues talking. ‘Thank god I managed to run away from them; they were ready to beat me up.’ She sits down cross legged on the ground. ‘I think you’re the prettiest statue around here, there’s something different about you.’

To this I felt surprised. There were others like me? Distracted by this new thought I don’t notice my bird landing on my shoulder. The girl seems interested at first but as soon as its droppings land on me, she stands up and scares it away. I begin to be infuriated. How dare she? That was my only friend. ‘I better go home now, statue.’ Her voice interrupts my thinking and soon after I feel a hand touching my leg as she says goodbye.

As she leaves I am left in awe. Did she make me feel? Is that even possible? I keep contemplating this question for the rest of the day and before I know it, it’s starting to get dark. The chill of the night envelopes me and I start to feel tired until finally I can’t keep awake any longer and I fall into a deep sleep.

It is now the morning after and my bird has not come to me. An old familiar feeling of sadness spreads through me. What is happening to me? I spend the rest of the morning more perplexed than ever before. I think I am changing, if that is possible.

It’s just after noon and I suddenly hear the rustling of leaves. Sure enough the girl emerges from the bushes carrying a bunch of flowers. ‘Hello!’ She is so enthusiastic to see me. ‘I thought you might like some flowers to look at since you’re in such a desolate spot.’ I see her bend down and arrange the flowers in a pretty pattern. ‘There.’ She says standing back up, proud of her arrangement. The girl starts talking to me, opening up about all her problems. I can’t help but feel less useless. She has found someone to talk to.

It starts to rain. I feel the drops hit me hard, wearing me down. I feel the pain, and I can’t help but like it. I pray for it to continue, to keep destroying me, to keep me feeling something… The girl swears and hastily says goodbye before running out of the bushes to into the rest of the park. Once again, I am left alone, dealing with the pain as it beats and beats and beats down on my vulnerable self.

By the next day, the rain has dried up and a scorching hot sun is beating down on me through the exposed bit of sky amidst the trees. My bird does not come today; this change of routine is scaring me. I hate the unknown.

At about the same time as yesterday she comes. The girl looks sad. She sits down and leans her head on my leg. ‘You know, sometimes I wish I was a statue like you. I could spend days on end just being still. Living a still life… it sounds so much better than the forever changing one I have to live in.’ She sighs and wipes a tear away from her cheek. I can’t help but feel sympathy and somewhat sad for her. If only I could move, If only I could reach her and help her. Too soon she is saying goodbye once again and leaving me to be on my own. The day is passing quickly and before I know it it’s evening. The girl’s words from a few days prior are replaying constantly in my head. There are others like me. I feel a twitch in my neck as I desperately hope to look around me. I start pushing against myself with all my will. There’s a loud cracking sound and an immense pain spreads through me. I close my eyes overtaken by agony and don’t open them until it ebbs away leaving only the memory of it within me. I slowly open my eyes, revealing a new part of the park I had not seen in such a long time. Shocked by this vision, I test my eyes, blinking quickly to see if I am dreaming. I am not. I can see around me, my vision is no longer fixated! I frantically look in all directions and I can’t help but feel excitement surge through me as I search for the other statues the girl had talked about. And there they were! Just like me they are all standing still, each dominating their little area of the park. I watch them, hoping to catch their attention but most of them have their visions fixated and I cannot reach them. The night comes too quickly but I easily fall to sleep reassured by the news that I was not alone.

The next weeks pass quickly. The girl, whose name I discover is Anna , comes to me almost every day. She tells me her problems and all about her life; it’s nice to feel like I have a purpose. I practice moving my vision every day and with each new sun rise I am able to see further and further. I am experiencing something so different, so new. I wake up with eagerness and smile at the sounds of the nature surrounding me. I can feel the beauty of the earth and of the wind. My body starts feeling less of a huge weight and for the first time in forever I feel like I could be in control.

It is mid afternoon when Anna makes her way through the overgrown plants to sit by me. She smiles at me, she undoubtedly sees the difference in me.

‘I think you’re ready.’ She says softly. I start feeling anxious. Am I ready? Can I manage to leave all of this? All my security? My racing thoughts are brought to a halt when Anna extends a hand towards me, her eyes staring deeply into mine encouragingly. Suddenly I know I am going to be ok and before I can stop myself I shakily raise my hand, confronting my stiffness and overcoming it to touch hers.

‘I knew you could do it.’ Anna said.

]]>https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/02/27/still-life-a-story-about-depression/feed/2clarasrecoverySnapchat-2635938371618869717The competitiveness with illnesseshttps://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/02/13/the-competitiveness-with-illnesses/
https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/02/13/the-competitiveness-with-illnesses/#commentsSat, 13 Feb 2016 13:44:10 +0000http://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/?p=413This may be more of a rant than anything else but I believe it needs to be said. Throughout the past few years I have encountered various people both online and in real life who have been dealing with mental illnesses. A thing I have noticed by following these people is how much of a competition there seems to be between people to be ‘the most sick’ out of everyone. This may sound very weird and perhaps confusing to you; why would someone feel the need to be sicker than someone else? I have been debating the answer to this question a lot as well.

I think this ‘competition’ is quite evident especially on sites like Instagram or Tumblr where people tally their hospital admissions or tell everyone their lowest BMI, for example. The only possible reason for this, in my opinion, is to prove to others that they are sick. Others even write a long list of all their diagnosis in their biography. Again this doesn’t make sense to me unless they were trying to prove a point. One that I’ve learned to be the ‘I have more issues than you’ point.

Even in real life I have known people who constantly talk about their problems making yours seem like nothing in comparison. For example, when you may talk to someone about self harm and say that you’ve only ever scratched yourself many people would reply by saying something like ‘You are so lucky, I’ve cut myself 100+ times and have been in hospital 10 times’. The words ‘you’re so lucky’ are probably what triggers this first person to feel less sick and for some reason feel the need to also become sicker to match the other’s stage.

But still the question remains, why this need to prove to other that you are very sick? Is it for attention? Or is it so that you have proof that you have that illness? For instance some people with anorexia may feel like they are not properly ill unless they’ve been to hospital or had an NG tube passed. Perhaps only then can people feel comfortable saying ‘I have anorexia’ since they experienced the worst of it.

This competition is very dangerous. I have seen it work in such a negative way especially on social media. It’s dangerous because the only thing it causes is people wanting to ill themselves more, to feel accomplished by beating someone else’s BMI or by cutting deeper than that person. What people don’t understand is that just because someone’s been in hospital more than someone else, it doesn’t mean this person is hurting more, it just means that the two individuals have coped differently.

It scares me just how much this competition is present on social media. It’s like an endless cycle of people ‘accomplishing’ something that means they are sicker and in turn triggering someone else to want the same thing or more.

It is still very unclear to me why there even is such a competition. But it’s there and it’s dangerous. Thankfully, sites like Instagram now have the option to report a certain picture or account under the catergory of showing self harm. This is good because so many vulnerable people may come across someone’s cuts and feel triggered to get their wrist to look the same.

I so wish more was done to ensure this competitiveness disappeared, it’s hurting way too many people making them feel ‘fake’ if they do not reach a particular stage in their illness. The most alarming thing is that many do no even realise this it’s happening, it’s almost like the competition is a subconscious thing and people fall into the trap completely unaware. So, if you have just read this and have realised that you could be part of the cycle please, please, please help break it. Posting your bad moments only triggers others and does absolutely no good. Showing your good ones instead really helps set others on a more positive route, striving for the healthier option.

]]>https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/02/01/single-minded-a-poem-about-anorexia/feed/6clarasrecoveryVeganism and Anorexia -Should You be a vegan if you have anoerxia?https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/01/26/veganism-and-anorexia-should-you-be-a-vegan-if-you-have-anoerxia/
https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/01/26/veganism-and-anorexia-should-you-be-a-vegan-if-you-have-anoerxia/#commentsTue, 26 Jan 2016 21:03:20 +0000http://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/?p=363This question is very controversial and I don’t think there is a definitive answer to it but that rather it affects different people in different ways.

I think a very important question to ask yourself if you have anorexia and are vegan is this: Is your veganism a way for you to avoid foods? Or in other words, is your veganism feeding your anorexia? The answer may be difficult to know for sure but it is important that it is considered thoroughly.

It is likely that if you have decided on veganism whilst suffering from anorexia, it is because you have become afraid of foods due to the illness. Although now that decision may indeed be tied in with your ethical point of view, you have to really think about when this first started. It is nothing to be ashamed of to realise that actually no, veganism wasn’t just about ethics but also to avoid foods. The decision to be vegan isn’t a bad one (at all) of course, due to all its benefits, but it could be well holding you back from really recovering.

In short, the decision itself isn’t bad but the initial intentions are.

I myself have just come to this conclusion. Thinking really hard about it, I have realised that although I am all for the ethical side of veganism and I highly support the movement, I cannot lie to myself and say that my anorexia didn’t play a part in becoming vegan. I now realise that veganism is still a way for my anorexia to control what I’m eating and this is not healthy for me. As much as I hate this step, I have to take it: I cannot be vegan at the moment. Of course it will be hard to eat food that derives from cruelty but talking to my doctor about it, she said I should think of the food as medicine. I cannot help the earth or animals if I am not healthy myself. Of course, I will remain vegetarian but I think the only way forward in recovery for me, is to start eating food containing dairy products.. until I get better.

So, if you are now realising that the decision was made even partly due to anorexia, I believe it is better to drop that lifestyle for now. Remember, veganism is great and it will be totally ok to get back to it once you are recovered! But for now, avoiding certain foods is not helping you cure your illness. Restricting your diet this way could only lead to relapse in the future as that illness is still controlling what you eat.

You can even use veganism as a goal for you, you can use it as a motivation to get better. The sooner you’re recovered, the sooner you can go back to this lifestyle!

On the other hand, I do realise the plus side of veganism in recovery. Veganism can be a great way to recover! For some, finding alternative ways of eating can build back up that healthy relationship with food. It can be a great way of letting go of guilt since you are after all helping animals, you and the planet! Veganism can open so many doors and lead to a much healthier you and indeed help you cure the anorexia. Abundance is key in a plant based diet!

I do not want anyone to read this last paragraph and use this as an excuse for their veganism if that isn’t true. Again, if your veganism is tied in with anorexia, I advise you that just for now, not forever, should concentrate on eating, not on what to eat.

I am very open to discussion with this! So please leave a comment with your point of view!

]]>https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/01/26/veganism-and-anorexia-should-you-be-a-vegan-if-you-have-anoerxia/feed/5clarasrecoveryLetting go of anorexia- Goodbye skinny mehttps://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/01/17/letting-go-of-anorexia-goodbye-skinny-me/
https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/01/17/letting-go-of-anorexia-goodbye-skinny-me/#commentsSun, 17 Jan 2016 11:36:44 +0000http://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/?p=324Since I first received help for my eating disorder I have held on to the belief that I could recover from it and still remain skinny. I thought that showing I could eat was enough for my doctors and my family to leave me alone and think I was better. I believed and hoped that only the act of eating was recovery, not the act of eating enough.

But no. I know it’s hard to be told this, but you cannot stay as skinny as you are now.

Only now do I realise that weight gain NEEDS to happen in order to be fully better and healthy again. I hate to have this knowledge but it’s a fact.

For someone with anorexia this can seem like the end of the world and, from first hand experience, I can tell you that it’s a huge, frustrating and hurtful battle to come to accept this. In fact, even now that I am in this process I sometimes feel reluctant to keep going an accept it.

This illness is very sneaky, it will make you feel like you need that skinny body to be happy. It will make your skinny, unhealthy features seem like the most important things in the world.

It’s hard. But there’s no way around it. You are going to lose sight of your bones, you may lose that gap between your thighs, you may not be able to fit your hand around your arm, you may not be able to stick your stomach in so much that you become almost invisible when turned to your side…

You need to gain weight…: read it, breathe, accept it.

So what if that ring will no longer fit on your index finger? You’ll be able to laugh, run and think without feeling so faint.

So what if that dress will no longer fit you? You’ll have enough energy to travel, explore and be free.

So what if that bone will no longer be visible? Your hair an nails will replace it with real beauty.

People will no longer look at you for your thinness but for how strong, happy and motivational you will become.

Don’t just exist. Live.

]]>https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2016/01/17/letting-go-of-anorexia-goodbye-skinny-me/feed/1clarasrecovery“I’m not sick enough to recover”https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2015/12/28/im-not-sick-enough-to-recover/
https://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/2015/12/28/im-not-sick-enough-to-recover/#respondMon, 28 Dec 2015 21:40:22 +0000http://choosingrecovery.wordpress.com/?p=281I think that a lot of people who have anorexia have had this thought.

This is understandable due to this illness being, unfortunately, very competitive. It’s hard to make an effort to eat and get better when you know there are worse places you could reach, places which other people have reached. The problem however, is that no matter how far worse you get, it will never be enough.

I have written something similar in my post ‘I’ll start eating when…’ because it is a similar concept. Your illness thrives by fooling you into thinking that that ‘one thing’ will be it, you can stop the torture after you have it.

BUT NO – It will not happen.

You may be at home right now, just starting to limit food intake, it’s likely you are thinking -‘I don’t have to start eating now, I’ve hardly lost any weight, I’m no where near as skinny as some girls/boys’

You may have just been diagnosed with anorexia, you may be thinking – ‘I don’t have to start eating now, it’s not like I’m in hospital like some other people.’

You may have just been admitted to hospital- ‘ I don’t need to eat now, some girls stay here months.’

You may be nearly dying- ‘Other anorexics have died too’

Comparing yourself to others both in thinness and in stages of treatment is NOT a good idea. All it will do is give your illness more excuses to take over you. It will drive you out of your way in order to achieve whatever it is that you saw that person had.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE IN HOSPITAL TO GET BETTER. You don’t even need a diagnosis for that matter. If you know you are sick, you can get better, because a life of misery and despair is not something you should want.

So what s/he’s skinnier? So what s/he’s in hospital? So what s/he’s dying? /She’s dying. You have the chance to live. You have the chance to turn it around now.

Why be known as the girl who’s been struggling with anorexia her whole life when you can be known as the one who struggles but is recovering. Why not inspire others to be like you in a good, positive way?

If you are looking for some sort of sign that it’s time to stop and start recovering/ eating. This is it. Go for it.