An ignorant editor breaks down Kobe Bryant's signature sneakers.

Today is Kobe Bryant's birthday, which means that the internet is going to be chock-full of tributes to the man's legacy. The sneaker internet will inevitably be consumed with such tributes that focus specifically on Bryant's footwear career, which spanned multiple brands and decades. We're down with that sort of idol worship here at Sole Collector, but the thing is that we've already done a good deal of it ourselves this year: We sat down with Bryant to talk about the future of his shoes, we highlighted his most memorable sneaker moments, and we even ranked all of his signature models. So, we've cast our sneakerhead biases aside for today's Kobe Kontent and enlisted someone else to grade his output.

As part of our series of having people who know nothing about sneakers assess them, we've enlisted Sara David, managing editor at Complex Life, to rank all of Kobe Bryant's signature shoes. Does she know anything about the cultural importance of these models? No. Has she ever seen Bryant jump over an Aston Martin? Probably not. But, at least that means she can look at these shoes somewhat objectively rather than defaulting to praising the ones that blogs have told her to. (Disclaimer: She does sit next to Brendan Dunne, so feel free to blame any of her bad taste on him.) Read her rankings below for some scorching hot takes from someone who knows nothing about sneakers.

I own one pair of sneakers; I am that bitch trying to wear sandals until the switch to boot season and then I loop right back around. I imagine sneakerheads as the kind of people who say the words “my brand” unironically—and I am not someone who can. My “style” (a term used very generously) is somewhere between “butch Hong Kong grandma” and “toddler refusing to take her bathing suit off.” (With such an age range, I guess you could call my style...timeless.) But I respect people who take their shoes seriously because it indicates that style, and therefore art, is a passion they feel deeply enough to convey confidently to the world.

Filipinos are ride-or-die Kobe fans from Manila, to New York, to LA, and beyond—and Kobe loves us right back. To honor this, I tried to approach these shoes with an open mind. I came ready to love these shoes, but first, I had to see if I even liked any of them.

16. adidas Kobe 2

This shoe is deeply offensive; the front looks like an animal hoof and the Spice Girls platform heel with an astronaut feel is very disorienting. The only appropriate time to wear these shoes is when cosplaying as a mountain goat in space.

15. adidas The Kobe

This is a less offensive space shoe and the theme is followed through more completely. But this looks like something Benny from Total Recall would wear; while the shoe is okay looking, its wearer is not trustworthy.

14. Nike Zoom Kobe 3

I can get down with the essence of this shoe. The shape and design says, “I’m classic, reliable, symmetrical, I get along with my mom, and generally try not to be a dick.” But I can’t get over the texture; looks like a nightmare to maintain, plus it’s giving me trypophobia. Next!

13. adidas KB8 3

I was worried about bringing my prejudice against bulky shoes into this ranking, but to my surprise, I found ones I liked—further down the list. These are not the droids you’re looking for. The goiter-like bulbs on the outer arch make the bottom of the shoe look like a wiggling sea creature and it gives me the creeps.

12. Nike Kobe 10

These next few shoes don’t give me any reason to hate them, but their crimes are looking the same and not being thrilling. This shoe has a beautiful knitted pattern—I like the honeycomb meets fishscale action on the toes—but the soles look like a total afterthought. If there was more effort to jazz up the sole with angular shapes, textures, or even a different color, this shoe could have ranked way higher.

11. Nike Kobe 11

This shoe is meh; a little one-note. Something interesting almost happens with the design potential on the heels, but it doesn’t get there. Looks like someone who’s an extra in a dance club scene from a ‘90s vampire movie would wear.

10. Nike Zoom Kobe 6

This is fine. The gel arches around the back of the heel/ankle area are a bit awkward, but not too offensive. I would trust this shoe’s wearer but not seek them out for a hang.

9. Nike Zoom Kobe 4

This shoe is sterile. They look really light, as if only men who are built like string beans could pull them off.

8. Nike Zoom Kobe 5

This is a more interesting take on the last shoe; the texture contrast gives it more character, but I’m still not wowed or even intrigued.

7. Nike Kobe 7 System

This shoe finally nails the balance of retrofuturism the last few pairs failed at. The pulse-like angles in the soles look cool AF; an unassumingly handsome protagonist would wear these.

6. Nike Kobe 8

This shoe has everything I liked about the last shoe but turned up and made more editorial. The texture is reptilian in a sexy way instead of a creepy way, and it feels effortlessly cool. An unassumingly handsome and ethnically ambiguous protagonist in a crowdfunded movie with Zoe Kravitz would wear these.

5. adidas KB8

My knee-jerk reaction to this shoe was terror, but it grows on me the more I look at it. I wouldn’t wear them but when I imagine the person who would, it’s a chill dude who takes fashion risks and makes a lot of obscure references.

4. adidas KB8 2

I really thought that this would be the kind of shoe I’d write off right away. While it has similar goiters to the last bulky pair, the pattern is emphasized with color and design rather than trying to be stealthily incorporated. This pair has more imagination and straight up playfulness to me. The dude who wears this says shit like, “I smoke clowns like you on the b-ball court,” and he’s doing just fine.

3. Nike Zoom Kobe 2

This shoe does an excellent job at successfully avoiding the trypophobia other shoes gave me. The diamond shapes make the texture more luxe, and the vintage-y soles strike a nice balance with the futuristic shoe. I can see this working in various colors, with various fire ‘fits, at various events, with various babes.

2. Nike Kobe 9 Elite

This is another pair I thought I would hate right away. I usually feel very, “What are you, a boxer?” about these types, but I’m enamored with the spirit of these shoes. It has many textures without feeling overwhelming, and it’s inspiring to see overlapping designs that don’t feel crowded.

1. Nike Zoom Kobe 1

This is the retrofuture shoe to end all retrofuture shoes. The contrasting materials pack a punch, and while I was initially confused by the holes in the back of the shoe, I think they’re a great opportunity for surprise sock style. This is the men’s version of Janet Jackson’s “Doesn’t Really Matter” video: everything we wished for the future (like color-changing nails and robot doggies) but haven’t lived up to—yet.

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