How to Use New Math to Confuse Your Mob of Creditors

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You’ve got major debt—school loans, credit card bills, health insurance for your lavish female parts. Instead of killing yourself trying to make the minimum payments, try these five simple steps to alleviate your financial burden by temporarily confusing the crap out of your creditors using the confusing and unnecessary method for teaching Common Core arithmetic, New Math! Breathe easy as your creditors scramble to find a fourth grader to help them decode your payment plan.

Step 1: Request a meeting in person.

Request a meeting with your creditors in person because math is hard to do on the spot. Your banker is not currently attending an elementary school where base-ten addition is taught, so they will be especially unprepared to evaluate your financial situation using the series of squares, cross hatches, blocks, and confusing visuals inherent in Common Core calculation methods. If those bloodsuckers are going to take all your goddamned money, they better at least develop a little “number sense” along the way!

Step 2: Make them do everything by hand.

Your crippling debt and New Math share a common enemy in computers, with their access to thought-free calculations. Lucky for you, there’s a solution! Simply hire someone to sabotage your creditor’s place of business by cutting off the power to their computers. It probably would have been cheaper and easier to work out a doable payment plan, but being in debt means being in a constant state of panic. Either way, make sure they show their work!

Step 3: Comb through every line item.

Painstakingly review your bills’ existing charges with your creditor and question each line item. If your bank “claims” 30 lattes at $5 apiece really does equal $150, then make them prove it using a graphical abstract representation! Sure, as soon as you leave they’ll call accounting and get everything straightened out, but you’ll be halfway home by then! Time to eat another meal of beans and more beans!

Step 4: Circle, cross-hatch, number line, repeat.

Keep returning bills with corrections, no matter how many times they send them back. Remember, your financial future is at stake, so you’ll have to be disciplined! Really ask yourself how much New Math you’ll need to do to convince your creditors that they actually owe YOU money. Don’t be intimidated by your loan officer’s amortization tables—you’ve got multiplication array tables that nobody over 18 could ever possibly decipher!

Step 5: Remember: Pencils are your friend.

The beauty of New Math is that it requires cumbersome hand calculations and complicated visual representations of seemingly simple math concepts. What does this mean for you? It means when your mob of creditors are beating down your door, you’ll be armed with a very powerful, multipurpose tool: pencils. Draw little circles around your creditors, and if that doesn’t work, use them as a weapon to fend off those bloodthirsty debt collectors!

So there you have it! Five easy-to-follow steps to fend off your raging mob of creditors. Best of all, these steps are easily repeatable on a monthly basis! And when you’re tempted to feel down about how predatory loans have ruined your life, remember: Money, like new math, is a social construct. So go ahead and buy yourself a cardboard box—you’re gonna need it!