So, it’s mahoosive congrats time to Michelle Heaton who has popped an iddy biddy human being into the world (we’re sure she’s been preggo for about six months longer than Beyonce, but anyway).

“My beautiful wife wonderwomanshel gave birth to our gorgeous baby girl 'Faith Michelle Hanley' yesterday morning. Circle of life is amazing,” said her presumably, very proud and slightly crapping himself husband, Hugh, who’s a big fan of The Lion King / Sir Elton John.

That’s all lovely and stuff, but we’re a bit concerned about this tweet from Jordan a few days before Christmas: “I'm sooooo happy and over the moon that wonderwomanshel and hughhanley have asked me to be a god mother to there baby woo forever friends.”

Michelle asked her bessie Jordan to undertake the responsible role at her baby shower last month and without meaning to cast a shadow over the happy (nappy, too obvious) ending, like the ugly witch Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty (cue abuse), we’ve just been thinking about exactly how Jordan is going to guide the little blighter – as is her job and that.

A life of grammatical errors aside (from Jordan’s tweet above we first thought the baby was called ‘woo forever friends’) - because we’re assuming she will have a very good and expensive education, being a schleb spawn and all - it’s not exactly going to be traditional.

She’ll be taught how to
perfect achieve the brightest shade of orange skin tone from the earliest age possible, will learn where to get the biggest boob job / where to buy the prettiest bras for her over-sized bangers, will launch a gazillion products with her name on that will keep her in mansions for the rest of her life, will marry every man she meets within five minutes of knowing him, say ‘woo’ whenever she feels the need to express excitement about something and er… wear pink for the rest of her days on reality TV... oh, and arrive at her own wedding in a princess carriage straight from Disneyland.

So, actually, yeah, Jordan’s going to make a pretty good fairy godmother - in the most unreal of ways.