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Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Lesson in Priority

It's 6am. Just finished talking with C. Explicitly told her initially that let's not let our conversations veer towards our relationship woes. Of course, that didn't happen. One of the reasons why I've been so reluctant to meet for tete-a-tetes with her was the inevitability of this happening. But meet we did anyway tonight, and it wasn't as bad as I thought. We did talk about a whole lot of things. About mahjong and what's up in school. For me, my lousy auditions...ended up being cast NOT as the lead. I know it's still the main cast and it's a pivotal role in the entire production, kind of like Kathy Bates' roles - non leading but requires great nuances in acting (as if I can pull that off), but I still wanna be the lead! Anyhows, sang terribly yesterday. Realised I had the range of a toad, just one octave. How pathetic can that be? The average human being has a range of about 2!

When our conversation eventually went to our relationships, we talked generally about what had went wrong in them. Realised I had a very bad sense of prioritising when it matters most. Last time around, I had left J at home to go drinking with my friends. This was one of his pet peeves. Exceptional situations aside, I do realise when it comes to decision-making, I'm incredibly stupid. I had didn't want to disappoint my friends by saying no. I'm one who tries desperately to not be one of those who neglects his friendships in favour of his partner. And although I've been guilty of it before, this time around, due to my own conscience that this charge may be true, I foolishly caved in to my friends. (There were other situational factors, but it'd be too lengthy to put it to words).

I had wished I was more steadfast with my decision to say no. It's too late of course. It's all a matter of too late and too little done. J has been and is a special part of my life, and I suppose if push comes to shove, my priorities have got to lie with him. And that's something I've found out too late of course. I'd go out on a limb and say that if things do improve somewhere down the long, arduous, meandering future, I'd be better inclined to put my foot down in such situations like this. And I believe my friends would be understanding towards that. Just because less time is spent, need not necessarily mean that a friendship is displaced.

I realised also that the important thing is not about us getting back together. But rather, what's important is if and when we do get back together, I should concern myself with keeping him by not repeating all the shit that I've done. And God knows, I've laid some terrible shit on him. And I suppose prioritising is a start to all that.

It's not about getting him back, it's about keeping him happy when and if it happens that makes all the difference, stupid.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Something To Remember

"Guess I'm waiting for a place in the sun
Wish I had the chance to know you,
When it wasn't stormy weather.
What a shame, but who's to blame?" - (From "Something to Remember" by Madonna)

1. Bumping into one another at Centro and around town circa 2002.
2. Stunted and silly conversation on my part when numbers were exchanged.
3. Ah boy and his perpetual manja-ness.
4. Bukit Panjang flat with its familiar and comfortable 'stench'
5. HQMC Library on Fridays till 9pm and HQMC Archives. :)
6. Sticking it out on our KL trip when we got stranded in the middle of the expressway in Johor.
7. Mahjong and how it reduces us to delirium when we try to concentrate at 5am.
8. FBMs.
9. Watching Sex and the City over and over again.
10. The many lows we had and how, at the end of the day, to me, it all still seemed to be worth it.

Timelines and Deadlines

Have got 4 bloody essays/project assignments due by the end of the month. And I have yet to even start research on anyone of it. There's the marketing project report which my team-mate irresponsibly pushed to me with the excuse that his English is not good enough. (asswipe that he is). There's my write up on the Asian Civilisations Museum due in a week's time, there's my 2500-word essay on colonialisation in South-East Asia. And finally, another 2500 word essay on the role of the opposition parties in Singapore. Oh, and that's not to mention the tonnes of readings that I got to do. I am so screwed. And tennis is cancelled again for the 3rd week in a row! The lack of training is not going to help me with the Inter-hall Games next week. I just hope that I don't make a fool of myself on the courts. Nothing's going right, everything's going wrong.

Also, the fact that "this" chapter in my life has reached its denouement exactly to its date 2 years later, is not lost on me at all. He has finally reached his decision. Without any melodrama, a gracious acceptance of the things to come is in order.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Take A Chance On Me

Another heartwrenching semi-final loss for Capriati. 2nd consecutive year that she lost such a close match at the US Open semis. Just a matter of a few points. The disappointment must be harrowing. A few errant shots here, a few bad decisions made, and it was over. She was totally unable to convert on her break-points (where one would win the opponent's service game), chances that slipped past her at least a dozen times.

Chance after chance, when would we be able to capitalise on these crucial moments and make the best out of it? How many times do we have to allow chances to slip past us, before staring down at defeat? How many chances have we got before our friends give up on us from being too weary of helping us pick up the pieces of our shattered selves? How many chances before those whom we love and care for turn away from us? How many chances before our conscience and emotions catch up with us, or worse, become numb? How many chances before, we, become shattered irrepairably?

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Serenity and Acceptance

Checks and Balances

It's oh so easy to dispense advice, welcomed or not to a friend. I'm sure I've doled out some Aunt Aggie-ish advice on relationship problems to my friends. But when it comes to our own problems, so often do we overlook these pearls of wisdom that we dish out ever-readily to someone else. You know, the whole drill about picking your battles, to compromise and to empathise. It just goes out the window when you are the one who is directly involved. I'm never one who picked and chose my battles carefully. Seemingly inconsequential issues can be magnified a hundred times and blown way out of proportion. My excuse? That I know I'm right and that's all that matters. Which is a foolish thing to do when 2 persons are involved. The notion of a right answer, no matter how logical it may seem, varies in extremes. To insist in individual ways would just distance each other.

Maybe I'm still not quite there yet (but I'm learning!) in terms of relating to another person. Sensitivity and empathy to me, in a warped way, is the marking of someone weak. Not that I'm incapable of either, of course. But I'd rather not be too altruistic in my actions and wear my heart on my sleeve. I just don't think it necessary. A silent and mutual acknowledgement of support is sufficient and good enough. And I do believe that I'd always been supportive in whatever we may have done. It's just unfortunate that sometimes, we choose to only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe in. And ignore whatever good that has been done previously. Hence, the need to choose your battles carefully.

It can never be smooth-sailing, neither do I want my life to. I want all the good stuff, but I don't want a free ticket. That'd be too easy. Shit will inevitably hit the roof. For every perfect one week, comes another two of hard work. You have to work hard at it. All conflicts and arguments, I hope that it'd be constructive. Without resentment, without ego. Yes, it's all been said before. I suppose when facing a crossroad, I had been enlightened given the extreme circumstances, and only now, can I say what I've said with conviction.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Still Moping

I can't resist writing more. Yes, my blog has become something of a whine-box. But so be it if it makes me feel better. Liberated, he says, of his current predicament. I never saw myself as one who would suffocate or choke my partner. So I can't quite understand why it would be a liberation from me/us. It's sad that we didn't have so much as a phone conversation before we called it quits. So many things left unsaid, so many things left undone. And he calls it a liberation. I do suppose that metaphorically, things have come full circle, with the closure of Centro, where we first met and talked, and how we've become almost strangers now..

I can say that I'm truly happy if he is at a better place right now than he has ever for the past 2 years. Yes. It is my fault that he feels that way. I suppose the cards are all laid out. He is happier now than before because of the split. For selfish reasons, I could call and bug him demanding an explanation. But what's there left to be said if he, self-admittedly, is enjoying his life so much more now? Would there be a point to all that? And then there is me, not necessarily feeling down all the time, but when the time comes when I'm just alone in my room, our shared past just flashes over and over again. Everything in that room reminded me of our past.

And hence, the reason to move out. And also, what with my mum asking incessantly about him and why hasn't he been visiting for so long. In response to her badgering, all I could offer was, "He's been busy with work." I guess it would be a good change to be more involved in varsity life. But of course, those memories of the past nibbles away somewhere in the core of me. Perhaps it is escapism that I moved out. Perhaps it is escapism that I've been going out for drinks so often. But guess what, at the end of it all, when I'm back in my room alone, the numbness just dissipates and it's back to square one. Back to square one, indeed..

Just Moping

The only thing worse about not getting what you want is not knowing what you want. Its been almost a month since we last talked. I wonder how he is getting along. I suppose things arent the same anymore. I sent him a couple of emails and they were totally in bad taste. I suppose it was just reactionary on my part. He still matters a lot. But I refuse to mope. I refuse to let myself go down the road of "what if's". People always tell me to know what you want and then go for it, without looking back. This task seems daunting as hell if you aren't even sure of what's happening. Question marks abound and fill my thoughts. Terence and Cres was over at my place earlier this noon, Diana Ross was playing on the radio and "Do you know where you're going to" (Theme from Mahogany) came on. Terence just looked at me and deadpanned:" Thats you right now." Ouch.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Bagfuls of Memories

And so the clothes are packed. 2 bagfuls of memories filled by happier times. Nothing I can do I suppose. Perhaps the threshold has been treaded on and even exceeded too many times. It's not a matter of lost feelings nor emotions, but just plain old lethargy. When the heart is weary and lethargic, perhaps, the only way to stir it is to move on along, forward. Isn't it the most painful thing, this exquisite pain, when both parties are just too drawn and battle-scarred to find a way out? I do admit, being with me is certainly not an easy thing to do. And J has been thoroughly patient with me as well as being extremely forgiving. I guess we might be inherently wrong for each other. The small things we agree on, whilst the bigger issues we differ. That would be the problem with us. He is weary, so am I. But why is there a longing-ness and soreness in my core? I know for a fact that if we had met each other under other circumstances, things might have worked out differently. But I guess some things in life, all you have is a single chance and once you screw that up, you screw everything over along with it.

All the bravado about moving on and being a better individual as a single person just seems so alien at this point. When you are staring this option, or rather this non-option, I suppose the task can be quite daunting. What can be said has been said and I guess no one could fault us for not trying to iron out the kinks in our relationship. There is however, always, a question mark at the back of my mind if I had tried hard enough. And if I hadn't, would it possible to work even harder on it? The answer seems bleak and hopeless, but to just let it go at that is just too difficult. And even if the choices are limited to just letting go, why the inertia that we feel? Once you had embarked on something for 2 years, investing time and energy, the answers are just not so simple anymore. You can't withdraw whatever you had put into it.

And so, faced with this lack of options, I know and I suppose I do have to let it go. It's difficult when you move in the same circles. The repercussions are gonna be crazy. So much shit to pick up and it's as if you're treading on eggshells 24/7. Maybe I am just incapable right now to be in a relationship. I think I need a break, I do need a break. I don't wanna have mindless sex, but neither do I think I can stay focused in a relationship. Doing the latter would probably result in a rehash of this episode. I am not saying that I am the victim in this case. Far from it, was as much the perpetrator as the victim, but it doesn't mean that this does not strike a chord in me. It's no fucking stroll in the park. 2 years down the drain. Believe me, it burns.

Random Musings #4

And so it is finished. The rounds of partying through the long weekend is over with the Recovery party at Zouk last night. The DJ spinned great stuff last night.. pity that the Moets were not one for one. After the 3 days of clubbing, so here I sit, feeling just a tad lost. I think circuit parties are like going on an E-trip (or so I've been told, hehe). After the extreme highs that you experience, once the party is over, you just plummet down. For me, nothing that abysmal but it just left me with the question: "So bloody what?" Make no mistake about it, I had fun. Tremendous fun. But I can't help but wonder, what now till the next party? And contrary to what people think, I don't live to party. Heaven forbid I wind up as a circuit queen. Which will NOT happen, I assure you. :)

Anyways, after the party which ended at about the time when the hetero half of Singapore gets up to get ready for work, I had my usual packet of vegetarian noodles from the market. J and I, after mahjong, clubbing or whatever, would always frequent this same stall and ask for extra crispy gluten. But today, after 3 days of clubs packed with sweaty boys and nothing still from J after 3 weeks, having the noodles just didn't feel the same. No, I'm not whining. It's too early to know if there's any cause to whine for as yet, but was just in a contemplative mood this morning. But I'm a stickler for looking at the bright side of things when it comes to relationships so which ever way it goes, I'm sure all would be just fine.

Well, school starts tomorrow. And it lasts for all of 2 hours. I mean, the journey taken to travel to NUS and back is about the same duration as my lecture. But it'd be nice to check out the new freshmen. I hope that'd finally liven up my lunch hour at the canteen. I know that there's always a silver lining somewhere. :)