Monday, April 14, 2014

Look, I’ll call you in the morning or my service will explain

Happy Birthday to Adam, who turns twenty-four
today all the way out in O Hai, Ohio.
Where, apparently, they grow some excellent specimens of the male of the
species. We really must round up Our
wagon train and trundle a trek out yonder, with Our bus-and-truck tour of Little Whore On The Prairie.

“Little”, naturally, being a relative term.

Happy belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Dana,
and Jared, and Shoshonna, and Teresa, and Thomas, each of whom turned twenty-four
this past weekend somewhere on this glorious little globe of Ours.

Lest you accuse Us of roundabout clandestine
namedropping, We shall just come right out (heh) and tell you that the Thomas
in the preceding paragraph is none other than the author of the Declaration of
Independence and the third President of these United States, Thomas Alva
Jefferson, father of George and Weezie Jefferson, second cousin twice removed
of Jefferson Davis, founder of the Jefferson Starship, and inventor of the
electric light bulb, the electric chair, and the electric boogaloo.

We are fortunate enough to be able to hobnob
with such exalted personages because We live in The Cradle Of American
Civilization, nestled between the New World’s answer to the Tigris and
Euphrates, Fluffya. (Also, said exalted personage is a seven-foot-tall
red-headed Hottie McHott Hott With Hawtt Sauce, who happens to be Our
SitOnMyFaceBook friend.)

Speaking of SitOnMyFaceBook, We will not be
taking a quiz any time soon to determine the color of Our aura. The color of Our aura generally depends on
what We had for lunch.

Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, from hobnobbing
with Founding Fathers to fart jokes…We do it all here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!

We ventured forth from The Cradle Of American
Civilization yesterday to see Musical of Musicals: The Musicalat
the Montgomery Theater (We’re not exactly clear on where We were
geographically, but We suspect We were somewhere near the O Hai, Ohio border.
(If you imagine that such intrepid exploration was occasioned by one or more
handsome young gentlemen, you would be entirely correct.))

At any rate, if you are one of Our far-flung
Gentle Readers, you should definitely give your horsie a carrot and have him
carry you on out to this show, wherever it may be, as it is a great deal of
laugh-out-loud fun. Info is here
(apparently, they have InterNetz in The Hinterlands now…who knew?): http://www.montgomerytheater.org/shows/musical-musicals-musical

In other news, please Save The Date for Saturday, May 10th, as the
WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at
L’Etage. More on that story as it
develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair
will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss
THAT!

In still other news, Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
is coming up on a landmark…We will very shortly be celebrating our THOUSANDTH
e-pissode in Bloggonia! Stay tuned for updates on the festivities!

We find Ourselves (not that We were looking
for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the
harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity. Our Aries video is above, and here is the
link with which you may share it with your friends:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie
Starfish, for comparison:

Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We
need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited
Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

A note to Our “Celebrity” Birthday
Website: if you cannot find a picture of
the person in question anywhere on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, perhaps they are
not quite the “celebrity” you imagine them to be. Just sayin’.

Think about what that person in front of you
really wants before taking action — they are almost certainly not revealing the
whole truth. (Is anyone else disappointed when liars’ pants don’t actually
catch fire?)

It’s not too hard to figure it out,
though! (There’s no such thing as “too
hard”. Much like “too rich”, “too thin”,
or “looking too much like Zac Efron”.)

You’re going to have an enthusiastic fan
today, (Just the one?)

and he or she will be singing your praises to
anyone who will listen (So it’ll be like a musical then?)

— try not to blush too much! (What is this, some Victorian operetta? Do We need Our smelling salts?)

This wave of adulation might make you feel
embarrassed at first, but as the day wears on and you take bow after bow, you’ll
start to enjoy the sensation of being recognized for your work — and it will
feel good. (Okay, all We took from that random string of words was the fact
that “Wave of Adulation” would be a great band name.)

This
is a boost to your ego, (Leggo Our Eggo™.)

which means it’s a good time to initiate new
projects. (Remind Us exactly when We started running a fraternity? (Not that it doesn’t sound like a BRILLiant
idea, you understand.))

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.