The Terrible, Predictable Life Cycle of Every Trump Tweet

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The Terrible, Predictable Life Cycle of Every Trump Tweet

Maryia Bahutskaya/Alamy/WIRED

There is nothing Donald Trump can tweet that people won't lose their minds over. Whether it's a masterpiece of design, a Crooked Hillary throwback, or a typo made while falling asleep with a death-grip on his government-issued iPhone, no tweet is too dumb or tiresome to rule the entirety of our daily lives.

But until a Trump tweet invariably triggers a catastrophe that ends both humanity and (please god) Twitter as we know it, at least take some comfort in the knowledge that every Trump tweet life cycle comprises the same basic parts.

Remember that? The wiretap tweet? We were so young and stupid. Let's relive the nightmare together.

The First Responders

As we all know, Twitter is Donald Trump's social media platform of choice. Twitter also happens to be the social media platform of choice for all the very worst types of people—the kind who race to attach their precious avatar to his.

And these human nightmares will have all sorts of fun insights. Insights such as, Sir, sir, excuse me, SIR. Have you no decency?

Because someone has to make him see the error of his ways one day. And that person is definitely you.

The Screenshots

Once Trump's tweet has had some time to stew, the true heroes of the hour make their appearance. Now, in addition to an endless stream of users quote-tweeting the president with such pointed commentaries as "wow" and "folks, this is not normal," we also get screenshots. Dozens and dozens of screenshots.

This maneuver accomplishes little more than finding a false sense of purpose in a cruel and meaningless world, but, hey—whatever gets you through the day.

The News

Did you know Donald Trump just tweeted? Yes, you know Donald Trump just tweeted. You know that Donald Trump just tweeted because, in addition to following Donald Trump on Twitter, everyone else you follow on Twitter has informed that, yes, Donald Trump just tweeted.

And still, we will go on to read hundreds of words about the tweet, from dozens of sources.

You might think that by now, people will have moved on. Incorrect! Now the pundits take their shots.

The Pundits

Here's where things start to get really fun. At this point, everyone has been alerted and reminded and reminded again that Donald Trump did a tweet. What's more, Donald Trump did a bad tweet. Why is it bad? Friend, I am so glad you asked.

Now, some might wonder if these thoughts wouldn't be infinitely more readable in a Medium post, say, or on any of the countless websites that employ these Trump Twitter cops. But on the other hand, THREAD:

It's not just the more pressing content of the tweet that warrants further analysis in spurts of 140 characters or less, either. Everything about the tweet—from the time of the day to the typos within to the brand of Trump's tie tape—warrants some deeper thought.

'It's a Distraction'

As any good Redditor knows, Trump is a meticulous and maniacal genius. This is canon. You think his pants fell around his ankles as he tripped over that comically large banana peel by accident? You poor fool.

Come back when you're done playing checkers. We'll be over here finishing our game of 16-dimensional chess.

The Backlash

By now, everyone's tired. So very, extremely tired. And after a particularly raucous round of post-Trump-tweet Twitter, nothing sounds better than excusing yourself from the room to go rock silently in a dark, empty closet while you replay every choice in your life that led you to this point.

The second-best route, both here and in every situation, is to get mad online. So just as everyone comes down from their Twitter highs, countless tweets vaguely condemning the masses for the frenzy start piling on.