Saturday, June 28, 2008

Junk Mail: We Guarantee To Make You Miserable In Many Small Ways!

I was thinking about how annoying so much direct mail is. Some of my favorites:

OFFICIAL MAIL: Totally pointless trivial shit from magazines, cruise ship lines, survey companies, poorly disguised in slightly orange-yellow official window envelopes to look like something from the IRS, CIA or INS. I call this the "we're coming to take you away!" pitch.

RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TODAY: Yes, a favorite of mine, non-stop lame-ass magazine solicitations. Yes, dear customer, you subscribed for three full years today on January 1, 2008 so don't delay, don't miss an issue, re-up your subscription TODAY on January 15, 2008 for another three years starting January 2011! Do it now.

THOSE OTHER POLITICAL BASTARDS: Why do I get junk in the mail from THE OTHER SIDE?! Do they figure I'll have a small cerebral accident and suddenly switch parties?!

DEMOGRAPHIC FAUX PAS: Surprise direct mail losers, let me set you straight on who I REALLY am, you seem to be a little mixed-up. NO, I'm neither a pet-lover nor pet-owner! No, I'm not expecting a new baby! No, I'm not a swinging single looking for pals in my neighborhood! No, no, no, no, leave me alone!

HOME EQUITY LOANS: Yes, please sign me up for your attractive home equity loan despite the fact that I don't own my home. Did my address with "Apt. 44" confuse you? Did you think I call my home "Apt. 44" for short?

Every day this crap arrives in my mailbox. We all spend time looking at this stupid stuff EVERY DAY. I'd like to bill these people for wasting my time. Just send them a monthly statement, like a lawyer with a listing of the minutes I've wasted even touching the stuff, all neatly itemized with a rate of ... say $250/hour. I've now positioned the shredder next to the front door. It's my only hope of retaining some sanity.