Best thing about Secretary of State is, we get to call him “Rex” and nobody gets mad. Don’t understand the cheering over “Rex”, stating categorically that the president is a moron. We all know this; not applause worthy.

*The White House — East Room — December 5, 2017* TRUMP: Good morning. As you may know, I had 3 high level cabinet secretaries resign this morning. And while I’m sad to see them go — I’m actually not *_that_* sad, quite frankly — but whatever. And I have to say, as a side note, Steve Mnuchin seemed kinda “not right” from the start, as he’s clearly missing a letter in his last name. I’d tell him, “Dude, you’re worth 300 million — buy a frickin’ vowel!” Am I right? Anyhoozles, I’d now like to announce my picks to fill the positions, and I think you’ll agree, they’re all pretty terrific people. Pretty terrific. For Defense Secretary, I’m nominating Jordan Kaplan, who I hear is the greatest Call of Duty gamer ever. It’s my understanding that the military — with all its technology and whatnot— is basically just a big video game, so I think Jordan will be fantastic — and maybe he’ll get to shoot some *_real_* people now instead of just dudes in a video game. We’ll see. We’ll see. Then, for Secretary of State, I’m nominating Russian President Vladimir Putin. But to be honest, he kinda nominated himself for the position, and how could I say no to the guy after he said such nice things about me a couple years ago. Also, a cool thing about Vlad is, we don’t even need to brief the guy on US foreign policy and intelligence — he already knows the stuff, for some reason. So he can pretty much hit the ground running, which is nice. Really nice. And lastly, for Secretary of the Treasury, I’m nominating Montgomery Burns from _The Simpsons_ tv show. Mr. Burns knows how to squeeze a penny like no one else — no one else — so for him, getting the nation’s finances back on track will be like taking candy from a baby — which he apparently does all the time. Sorry, Maggie Simpson — ya gotta hold that candy tight — like ya mean it. So, those are all my nominations, and they’re all gonna be just fantastic for the country. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go watch Kathie Lee and Hoda interview the cast of _Will & Grace_ while I eat a huge piece of cake.