So Many Doubts

So many… so… so many doubts… right now my head is full of them. Most stemming from what I shared yesterday (take a look at the pic below). Growing up I was taught doubting was sinful. It meant that you lacked faith. The cure for doubt was more faith. So in essence, the cure for doubting was not having doubts… The irony. Doubt and faith were pitted against one another, doubt being the cancer of faith, the thing that killed it. Doubt was responsible for why people left the church. It was responsible for immaturity, for sinful behavior, for… all the bad stuff.. at least that’s how I was taught.

Yeah… about that…

I don’t ah… what?

If anything, the opposite has been true in my life. The more I doubted the more I had to have faith that God would see me through my situation should I seek His will. I had doubts about my call to become a pastor, but somehow, here I am pastoring still, doubts and all. I had doubts about being a parent because let’s be honest, parenting is terrifying. It is the single best thing you will ever do that is also the worst thing ever. I kid you not, I wiped throw up off my chest just this morning. That’s just nasty… Still, my kids love me (for now) and I desperately love them and could not imagine a life without them in it.

Currently, I am working through a lot of doubts with this book. Questions like “what if my mom is the only one to buy it” go through my head regularly. I wonder what I could offer, why anyone would care to read my story. I keep hearing what “successful books” are based on the number of copies sold, how big book tour was and any number of other metrics that correlate with success in publishing. I have been called an “author” and I honestly don’t know what that title means anymore. I had to pay money to write a book… does that really make me an author? Don’t I need to have readers to be considered an author?

I have doubts…

In weakness He is strong…

Let’s be clear, these doubts have nothing to do with the faith I profess in Jesus Christ. In fact, these doubts bring me back to this:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (CEB)8 I pleaded with the Lord three times for it to leave me alone. 9 He said to me, “My grace is enough for you, because power is made perfect in weakness.” So I’ll gladly spend my time bragging about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power can rest on me. 10 Therefore, I’m all right with weaknesses, insults, disasters, harassments, and stressful situations for the sake of Christ, because when I’m weak, then I’m strong.

Other translations say in my weakness, He is strong.

In my doubts, He reminds me He is with me…

I don’t know what happens now…

… and I have my doubts.

… and I’m ok with that.

I don’t know what this whole book, “author,” blogger thing will look like in the future, but I am here now, and in spite of my own doubts, shortcomings, worries, and fears, I trust that I will continue to be saved by faith.

This is another chance for God to make His presence felt. This is an opportunity for growth, for reflection and for faith the be built.

I am learning to be content with being uncomfortable… I don’t love it… but I am learning it’s merit.

Thomas who Doubted

Thomas is labeled the doubter, but that label isn’t completely accurate. He fully rejected Jesus in the flesh so really we should call him Thomas the skeptic or Thomas the “No way dude.” Thomas told Jesus to “Prove it!” The “it” is that He was, in fact, Jesus (John 20:19-31). Jesus response encourages me. He didn’t chastise Thomas, He didn’t say “seriously” or ” are you kidding me?” He simply showed Thomas proof that He was Jesus. I would assume some of the other disciples had doubts, but because of Thomas’ outright rejection of those doubts disappeared in an instance.

Jesus took this opportunity to make His presence known, for His follower’s faith the be strengthened.

We all have doubts, but I think that’s ok… We serve a God who can turn doubt into belief, rejection into acceptance, outcasts into spiritual leaders…

He can even take a generation of those skeptical of church and use them to enrich the body of Christ, allowing it to be even more effective at building His kingdom here on earth. That’s my hope and prayer for tomorrow, despite the doubt I have in how we get there.