He’s Back: A Guide to the Upcoming Schwarzenegger Resurgence

Just like a cybernetic killing machine from the future, Arnold Schwarzenegger just can’t be stopped. Sure, he can take long breaks between sequels or be a two-term Governor of one of the biggest states of the union, but he’ll always be back. Now that his political tenure has come to an end, Arnold is going back to doing what he does second best: acting. First best is lifting heavy things, of course.

Aside from his cameos in The Expendables and Around the World in 80 Days, Schwarzenegger has been absent from the big screen for around nine years – his last leading role was Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. If your life somehow felt more meaningless in that period, you are not alone – and relief is coming as we break down Schwarzenegger’s upcoming confirmed and rumored film appearances.

The Expendables 2

The time has come! We don’t know how much Schwarzenegger is in the film, but reset assured it is a significant amount compared to his single scene in the previous film. From the trailer we’ve seen Arnold kicking ass and shooting guns (he doesn’t seem to take any names or chew any bubble gum) in a few locations, so it’s safe to assume he’ll play a fairly big role as Trench.

The Last Stand (2013)

Schwarzenegger stars as Ray Owens, the Sheriff of a small border town sitting between a band of heavily armed cartel soldiers and the freedom of Mexico. The freshly dropped trailer featured Arnold dropping some one-liners about his age and opening fire with a wide variety of weapons. It also features the return of Steve Barker from The Ringer. Well not really, but Johnny Knoxville is in it and he seemingly has a mental disability. Or maybe he’s just Johnny Knoxville. Either way, the film is bristling with action and Peter Stormare, so it’s got to be good!

The Tomb (2013)

The Austrian Oak will again team with Sylvester Stallone in The Tomb, but this time they’ll be bringing along Vinnie Jones, Jim Caviezel, and rapper Half-Dollar, err, Fifty Cent, aka Curtis Jackson. Both Sly and Schwarzenegger look as if they’re finally playing characters that reflect their actual ages, that is, old people. Granted, old people that could still kick my ass and escape from a maximum security prison without breaking a hip. Stallone is a wrongly convicted engineer who must escape a high-tech maximum security prison of his own design with the help of Schwarzenegger’s “soulful and complex” prisoner with 50 shades of gray – and I’m not talking about the hairs in his goatee.

Breacher (2013), formerly “Ten”

This cartel crime thriller from director David Ayer and writer Skip Woods follows an elite DEA task force that steals a massive amount of cash from a cartel. Their secret is apparently compromised as members of the team are subsequently assassinated by a mysterious hitman. While plenty of this movie is still unknown and subject to change, it seems Schwarzenegger will co-star with Malin Akerman, Sam Worthington, and possibly True Blood’s werewolf hunk, Joe Manganiello.

The Governator (2012-2014), multiple formats

Schwarzenegger, who claims he’s surprised by his return to acting, is certainly not wasting any time in jumping into every format he can. He was joking referred to as “The Governator” during his tenure in California, but that joke is being developed into a comic book with the help of Stan Lee, an internationally distributed cartoon, and eventually a 3D movie. A trailer for the cartoon showed Schwarzenegger, playing a fictionalized version of himself, stepping down from politics and becoming a high-tech crime fighter with the help of a squad of young people who help him equip various ass-kicking suits and motorcycles. In the clip, Arnold fought evil Transformers style robots who were robbing an armored car in San Francisco. While decidedly a project for young people, it looks kind of cool to my stunted brain.

Captive (????)

Little is known about the status of the movie other than it’s based on a story by Danish film-maker Nicolai Fuglsig and revolves around an American real estate magnate who is kidnapped in Brazil and stuck in an armored car that is buried in a landfill. No word on which character Schwarzenegger would play, either the captured American or the mission persons recovery specialist searching for him.

Unknown Soldier (????)

Arnold was excited to announce this project with the Bandito Brothers, the production company that made waves with Act of Valor, a Navy SEALs action vehicle shot for a measly four million dollars and starring active duty Navy SEALs in the leading roles. While by no means a great film, it did tug on the heart strings and have some realistic action and awesome gun play. This flick was seemingly titled Black Sands at one time, which offers up little information on what this movie is going to be about. The current title probably refers to The Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers, a military memorial dedicated to all those service members who have died in battle. We can safely assume the film will be of a military-action nature along the lines of Act of Valor.

Triplets (The Eve of Never)

At 2012’s San Diego Comic Con, during a panel for The Expendables 2, Schwarzenegger indicated that there was interest in pursuing a sequel to 1988’s Twins, a comedy about some serious level Nazi stuff where a bunch of smart attractive people attempted to make a genetically perfect man (Schwarzenegger) and ended up with Julius but also a stumpy mess of left-overs (Danny DeVito). Schwarzenegger tentatively titled the film triplets, which pretty much guarantees that the film will revolve around a third brother. The only question being, what will this mysterious third brother look like? Even more like a troll? Even better than Schwarzenegger? Or will he be some weird creation of the Twins’ DNA with a new woman? This movie scares me.

With this many projects in the pipeline and more offers assuredly rolling in weekly, Arnold Schwarzenegger has lived up to his most famous of statements: he’s back.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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