Three Drink Recipes from College That I Hope Translate to Post-College Life

1 Large container: one of those big Gatorade containers from the time a dad tried to coach his kid’s little league team is ideal.

1 Box of Sangria: You could make your own, but fuck it.

1 Handle of Vodka: I recommend Svedka or something equally terrible.

1 Bottle of Peach Schnapps: You could use half or the whole. But let’s be real, use it all.

Mix it all together in the water container. Add ice and fresh fruit. Great for outdoor events—or in our case, the 2012 Super Bowl. Warning: this shit may cause you to die if you have more than one cup. At four cups I stripped naked mid-game, and later on I tried to go find a car to set on fire once the Patriots lost even though I’ve never been a Pats fan, ever. At seven cups my roommate fought me (he is twice my size) and he choked me out with a pillow. Fighting and reckless behavior never tasted so good or looked so classy.

Redneck Margaritas

1 Large Pot: a pasta pot works great, just make sure it’s clean. We didn’t, and our margaritas had a tinge of marinara.

1 Handle of Tequila: I recommend whatever is on sale on the liquor store, cheaper the better. The Crystal Light covers it up.

Add tequila and water. Add Crystal Light until it covers up the tequila. Add ice and chill. This is also a great summertime beverage, but it is dangerous. It only cost us 13 bucks thanks to the greatness that is the New Hampshire State Liquor Store. It got me so drunk I ate several napkins, tried to eat a Tupac poster, spit up beef stew on a poster of Biggie because I said he looked “hungry,” and quoted the “Ma some meatloaf!” bit from Wedding Crashers all night.

Four Loko Sugar Extravaganza

1 Can of Four Loko: Any flavor I think would work. I had some vaguely lemon-tasting kind.

You can do this one of two ways. Either mix it all together, or drink all three at the same time. Trust me, it works. This stuff has so much sugar you won’t be able to sleep even though you’ll be blacked out. We drank them on Easter and ended up in my friend’s basement watching him and his then girlfriend demonstrate various sexual positions on demand. Drink this stuff if you want to get frisky.