Tag Archives: poop

It’s that time of year again, the weather is warm and all the dog owners have their canines on parade. Other than shitting everywhere and the occasional mauling, I have no real problem with dogs. Their owners, well that’s another story. I have a friend who compulsively pets every dog she sees. Hiking with this girl can take an extra minute depending on how many dogs we encounter. I understand dog people meet each other this way, but I don’t want to pet your dog. When I don’t bend down to gush, owners look at me like I’m calling their firstborn child retarded. Today, this girl had her puppy leashed to the fence during lunch – obviously baiting us with puppy cuteness. She acted annoyed when people “interrupted” her to fuss over her adorable babydog. You’re the one rolling one puppy deep on a sunny Saturday you attention-seeking bitch. Eyeroll. Back in college, I had this dumbass friend Marisha who was wandering around the city one hot summer day. A dog was locked inside a car with the windows cracked. Well-meaning Marisha, concerned for the pup, administered water from her plastic water bottle through the window crack. During the attempted hydrating, the ungrateful twatdog bit her hand. Moral of the story: other people’s dogs aren’t for you.

My girl Annie sent me an email that I think is worth sharing with you. Annie is an eyebrow goddess, and therefore I implicitly trust her advice (though I haven’t yet tried this trick myself).

Here is her brow wisdom.

DC,

Two words for you: castor oil. Rub it in 2 times a day, then use what remains on a finger on lashes. You’ll find it is in almost all brow/lash growth products, and that is actually how I fell upon that beauty jam.

Love,

AM

Castor oil has many useful applications, including breaking up scar tissue I hear. One word of caution, after some advice from a well-known body worker, my friend Trisha rubbed castor oil all over her midsection in an effort to break up scar tissue from a gnarly accident and subsequent surgeries. Trish tends to do things balls to the wall and the intensity of her bedtime castor oil application wasn’t any exception. The next morning after a vigorous 2 hour yoga intensive, Trisha darted back to her apartment, but didn’t quite make it before she shit her pants. Even worse? She dropped her drawers and ran up the stairs PorkyPig style (shirt + no pants), and a dude was walking his dog in the alley and caught her bare shitty ass running up the stairs. Let Trisha’s humiliation serve as your warning. Castor oil is great, but take it easy or you can shit your pants.

Cat lovers scroll on through. I’m about to go on an anti-cat rant that’s going to make your pussy hurt. (Michael, Katie, I mean it.) Why am I filled with feline vitriol you ask? Because I spent the day bleach mopping cat piss out of sub-flooring, that’s why. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH CAT PISS ANYWAY?I know, I know, you love your cat. Your cat does for you what no person could. I get it. Do you get that when cats get old they piss everywhere and it is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to remove the smell? Do you realize a nuclear apocalypse would not eradicate that stank of cat pee from your apartment? In addition to destroying your home with their incontinence, cats can transmit diseases and parasites to people including, but not limited to: Toxoplasmosis, Leptospira, the Plague, Rabies, roundworm, hookworm, ringworm, Salmonella, and tapeworm. Yeah, keep letting kitty climb all over your kitchen. Add a side order of tapeworm to that PB&J. As you all know, I’m a staunch defender of our animal friends. I don’t eat or wear them. But I also don’t keep any pets for a variety of reasons. Do I really hate cats? No. Do I really hate irresponsible dirty-ass cat owners? Fuck yes. And while I’m getting up after all you pet owners, dog people CLEAN UP FIDO’S SHIT. Why don’t I take a dump on your lawn? How about that? Fucking gross yo.