In the real world, anyone past the age of five is expected to dress themselves but if you hail from Hollywood and you’re an Oscar nominated actress then you will need a stylist. And stylists don’t come cheap –the best-known names in celeb dressing vary between $1,500 – 5,000 per day.

Plus it all takes time. A good stylist will be out there with their pointy elbows muscling their way into the best designer showrooms months ahead of the Oscars, getting dibs on the best frocks and filling their showrooms with delectable gowns, shoes, bags and baubles. Then of course the actress has to come choose a dress, then have multiple fittings to ensure a bespoke fit, so a stylist will probably bill for at least 4-5 days to dress one actress. Say, $7,500 – $25,000?

Then there’s the gown that at a conservative estimate will cost $15,000 but could easily be double, or even triple this.

In 2007, the Valentino silk dress worn by Kate Winslet was said to have cost $100,000.Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/565553665675997167/

In 2007, the Valentino silk dress worn by Kate Winslet was said to have cost $100,000. It makes the likely seamstress bill of $1,000 seem a mere trifle.

Next there are accessories to consider. Shoes, as any woman knows are so much more than just the things you wear on your feet and much as we are unwilling to be prised out of our Dubarry Boots, the Oscars call for a bit of sparkle and heels. Plus any self-respecting actress can’t possibly turn up in the powder room with anything less than exactly the right clutch bag. The price for getting this all just right will be between $1,000-$3,000.

But the truly gasp worthy outfit expense is the jewels. Oscar nominated actresses receive word of their nominations to a soundtrack of clicking dials as the safes of the world’s most famous jewellers swing open in anticipation. Cartier, Tiffany, Van Cleef & Arpels. The necessary sparkle of diamonds, sapphires, emeralds and rubies will heft the bill up by a further $500,000-$1m.

So, where are we now? Most likely sailing casually past the $1m mark – but, there’s still so much to think about.

Hair and make up will drop another few thousand for sure. Plus manicures, pedicures, facials, massages – it can all get very stressful, and we’re not joking, how would you feel about the possibility of standing up in front of 40million close family and friends?

But wait….we’re not done with clothing. There’s what goes on beneath the gown to consider. You can’t build a house without decent foundations and the same principle absolutely applies to wearing couture. Even with the help of highly paid nutritionists, personal trainers and chefs, actresses will opt for belt and braces Spanx, enhancing bras, fillers, nipple covers and discreetly placed tape to achieve their other worldy, perfect bodies.

Even with the perfect body no one wants a wardrobe malfunction.

Anne Hathaway making a point at the 2013 Oscars – the twittersphere erupted over this tiny detail.Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/306104105894876657/

Last year the twittersphere went into meltdown over Anne Hathaway’s unfortunate pointy protrusion in the breast area. There was no embarrassing escape of womanly flesh – this was no Miley Cyrus controversy – but still this most minor detail erupted into Nipplegate. Such is the level of scrutiny these actresses are subjected to. In Anne’s – priceless – shoes we would be having a word with Rachel Zoe about that ‘astronomical’ fee.

The gaze of the world is relentless and unforgiving. Little wonder then that the next expense to factor in is a bit of help from the medical fraternity. Pre-Oscars fillers, Botox, laser resurfacing, chemical peels and facial re-volumising are said to be the norm and are covered by the neat euphemism ‘pre-Oscars cosmetic concierge services.’

Judi Dench at the Oscars 1999, we can’t see Judi indulging in any pre-Oscars botox.Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/301248662546764089/

Some nominees are said to indulge in Botox injections into the armpits to eliminate the body’s tendency to sweat during an acceptance speech. This seems quite insane but when you consider the fallout from Anne Hathaway’s pointy frock then perhaps in this context it’s possible to conceive an actress facing enormous pressure might just subject herself to this agony.

Oh, yes and the privilege for all these lotions, potions, peels and syringes? Somewhere around the $30,000 mark.

So, my goodness, it’s all beginning to mount up and there’s still the question of travel expenses, hotel suites, nannies, friends and family to consider. Clearly as an A-lister there is a requirement for private jets, limousines and the very best accommodation. So, lets just throw another few hundred thousand at it and be done with it.

However, when all’s said and done we do wonder if it will be a little different this year. It’s hard to imagine some of the nominees buying into the crazy world of Oscars spending – even if it is the studio footing the bill.

Nominee Meryl Streep is loyal to Lanvin and is wedded to Grecian drapery.Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/301248662546764089/

Best Actress Nominee Dame Judi Dench (79) will undoubtedly indulge in a little twinkly diamond trinket or two, but we feel confident that she’ll refrain from the Botox and unseemly craven pursuit of youth – likewise Best Supporting Actress nominee June Squibb (84).

In fact given the age range of nominees in the Best Actress (avg. age 55) and Best Supporting Actress (avg. age 44) we wonder if the tone will be more dignified and earthly?

With the exception of Jennifer Lawrence (23) none could possibly be characterized as a starlet and even Jennifer, star of American Hustle, is said to be weary. Earlier this week studio exec Harvey Weinstein reported that Jennifer Lawrence will be taking a year off from the Hollywood Hustle to re-charge and reconnect with real life.

So, who knows, we may see some surprises this year but come what may we will be assured of fabulous gowns and twinkly jewels.

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