On this episode of Closet Talk, we talked with Drea, a bisexual woman in a monogamous relationship with a man, about biphobia and the assumptions she faces from the straight and gay community. We discussed several issues and prejudices surrounding bisexuality and the complexity of sexuality.

The information Drea provided helped me realize my own prejudices and bias when it comes to bisexuality, including statements I’ve personally made like, “I wouldn’t date a bisexual for fear they would leave me for someone of the opposite sex! How do you compete with that?” It took much mulling over, but I eventually realized that expressions like that were the result of my own ignorance.

There are many issues involving the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender community. As a gay man, it is easy for me to see the issues that affect me in my day to day life. It also isn’t difficult to make the jump from gay man to lesbian as far as social and legal ramifications. However, when asked to discuss the issue of biphobia within the “gay” community, I found myself at a loss. I tried to think of examples of biphobia and found myself walking down dangerous terrain of stereotypes and generalizations.

If you prescribe to the Kensian view of sexuality, that sexuality is fluid and we all fall somewhere on the scale between 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual), then we could, for the sake of simplicity, place bisexuals as anything other than zero or six on the scale. However, many sexologists have argued that Kinsey’s scale does not accurately show all the variances of sexual orientation.

With that in mind, Dr. Fritz Klein attempted to further measure sexual orientation by expanding upon the earlier Kinsey Scale to include the variables of sexual attraction, sexual behaviour, sexual fantasies, emotional preference, social preference, lifestyle preference and self identification. The scale also considered three time periods for sexual orientation identification.

But what does all this mean as it relates to the issue of biphobia? I find myself back to the basic question, what is biphobia?

From the article: What is Biphobia? Adapted from the Bisexual Resource Center (1998).

Examples of Biphobia:

Assuming that everyone you meet is either heterosexual or lesbian/gay .

Assuming that bisexuals are confused or indecisive about their sexuality.

Assuming that bisexuals are promiscuous or cannot live monogamously.

Assuming that bisexuals are attracted to everyone.

Assuming that people who identify as bisexual are “really” lesbian or gay, but are in denial.

Assuming that bisexuals, if given the choice, would prefer to be with someone of a different gender than themselves to gain some of the privileges of being perceived as heterosexual.

Believing that people who are bisexual spread HIV/AIDS.

Automatically assuming that two women together are lesbians, that two men together are gay, or that a man and a woman together are heterosexual.

Not wanting to date someone who is bisexual because you assume that the person will eventually leave you for someone of another gender.

Thinking of people who are bisexual only in terms of their sexuality, rather than as whole, complex persons.

Let’s take each of the above examples of biphobia and examine them in greater detail:

Assuming that everyone you meet is either heterosexual or lesbian/gay. I’ve often, and sometimes jokingly, prescribed to the theory that everyone I meet is gay, until they tell me otherwise. This is a result of the many times it’s been assumed that I’m a heterosexual until I tell them otherwise. I’ve never considered this to be a “biphobic” way of thinking, but rather a reaction to societal assumptions of sexual orientation. However, this assumption forces a binary view of sexuality, you are either straight or gay.

Assuming that bisexuals are confused or indecisive about their sexuality. For this, we must look back at the Kinsey Scale discussed above. To assume that those that fall somewhere between one and five on the scale are confused about their sexual orientation is grossly inaccurate and encompasses a large segment of the population. In fact, the Kinsey Report (although controversial in its findings) indicated that 46% of his male subjects had reacted sexually to persons of both sexes and that 37% had at least one homosexual experience.

Assuming that bisexuals are promiscuous or cannot live monogamously. This biphobic belief looks at bisexuals as nothing more than sexual beings and excludes emotional attatchments and attractions altogether. Like any person, bisexuals are capable of loving an individual monogamously in spite of having sexual desires for both sexes. To assume that monogamy cannot exist in a bisexual would be similar to assuming that monogamy cannot exist with a heterosexual or homosexual. For example, when a heterosexual man falls in love with a woman he continues to find other women attractive. This attraction does not mean he cannot remain faithful to the woman he loves. The same applies in bisexual relationships.

Assuming that bisexuals are attracted to everyone. I’ve pondered this one a lot looking for a way to relate how asinine this assumption is. It seems to me this assumption would be similar to assuming that because I’m a homosexual, I’m attracted to every man I see. I’m certain that is not the case as I have no sexual attraction toward numerous men and do have a “type” of man I generally find myself to be attracted. My attraction to other men is very rigid and I rarely find myself attracted to men who fit the stereotypical macho persona. If I’m not attracted to ALL men, how could I assume that bisexuals are attracted to all people.

Assuming that people who identify as bisexual are “really” lesbian or gay, but are in denial. There’s a saying that comes to mind upon reading that assumption, “To thine own self be true.” I’ve known and been friends with many bisexuals. One of them is currently in a long-term monogamous lesbian relationship, but still identifies as a bisexual, the other is a woman in a relationship with a man. At no point have I ever considered either of these people to be “in denial.” In fact, I’ve generally felt that they are more in touch with their own sexual identity than I am as they have had to overcome prejudices from the heterosexual and homosexual communities in order to stay true to their own selves. This “denial” theory was even propagated more in an op-ed piece posted on the premiere social networking site for gay men, gay.com, titled, “Can Guys Actually be BiSexual?” The author determined that “no,” men must be either gay or straight.

Assuming that bisexuals, if given the choice, would prefer to be with someone of a different gender than themselves to gain some of the privileges of being perceived as heterosexual. This “assumption” gets to the heart of the matter. When one is exclusively homosexual and in a long-term homosexual relationship, we are often told or even vocalize ourselves that we wish we could be in heterosexual relationships so that we wouldn’t have to face the level of discrimination and injustices placed on gay people. We then likely make the jump and tell ourselves, “Well, if I were bisexual, I would certainly make an exclusive relationship with someone of the opposite sex in order to avoid this harassment and judgment. Life would be so much easier.” However, we do not control our emotions. They come and go as they please. Sure we may be able to hide the emotions we are feeling, but they are there and forever present.

Believing that people who are bisexual spread HIV/AIDS. This assumption is based on the very archaic belief that HIV/AIDS is a “gay” disease. Many heterosexuals argued that bisexuals were the ones that brought HIV/AIDS from the gay community into the heterosexual community. This assumption disregards the facts about HIV/AIDS and the way the disease spreads. Although HIV does spread through sexual contact, it also has spread through intravenous drug use and blood transfusions. The assumption also ignores behavior as a factor. It is not sex alone that spreads HIV/AIDS, but the sexual behaviors of individuals. Believing that bisexuals are the cause of HIV/AIDS spreading assumes that all bisexuals are engaging in high risk sexual activity and disregards individual identities within the bisexual community.

Automatically assuming that two women together are lesbians, that two men together are gay, or that a man and a woman together are heterosexual. This is an easy assumption to make and I’m fairly certain I would make the same assumptions if I saw a couple – two men, gay; two women, lesbian; opposite sex couple, heterosexual. It stands to reason that we would make these assumptions unless told otherwise by the couple, but these assumptions are about labeling people, something most of us do in order to define things within the scope of our own perceptions. Really, the identification here should be left to the parties in the relationship. I’ve had some bisexual friends explain that once they were in a long-term, monogamous relationship with someone, they have defined themselves based upon that relationship. Other friends have relayed that they remain bisexual in spite of the monogamous heterosexual or homosexual relationship as they still have attraction toward others, they just no longer act on those attractions due to their love of their partner.

Not wanting to date someone who is bisexual because you assume that the person will eventually leave you for someone of another gender. This is a fear that I’ve even vocalized. Competing with one gender is difficult enough – until you are confident in your relationship, you may have this constant fear that the person you are with will find someone else and leave you. Add the idea of having to compete with someone of a different gender than yourself and it’s enough to make you say, “I’d never date a bisexual.” However, again this assumption takes out the factor of exclusive love and is based entirely around the idea of sexual attraction and desire.

Thinking of people who are bisexual only in terms of their sexuality, rather than as whole, complex persons. We are all a culture of labels and often group people into categories in order to decide whether that person falls into an interest category [being a group we want to associate with] or a non-interest category [groups we wouldn’t ordinarily associate with]. This is human nature. However, if we clump bisexuals into a category based solely on their sexual orientation or identity, we are doing to them exactly what the heterosexual community has been doing to gay people – focusing on one factor their sexuality over all aspects of their being. At some point, we must decide to no longer use sexual orientation as a basis for categorizing our “interest” or “non-interest” groups. We may surprise ourselves.

As a gay man, writing about biphobia is not something I’ve found easy. In fact, while reviewing various articles about the topic, I found myself unknowingly guilty of many of the stereotypes and assumptions listed above thinking them to be harmless perceptions about bisexuals and their relationships. After careful review of many web resources and information, I’ve concluded that even I have a lot to learn about biphobia and bisexuality. I encourage you to do the same and walk the path with me to understanding so that we may first eliminate these forms of discrimination within the LGBT community and ultimately eliminate them in all communities.