Doc Hammer

Doc Hammer was born in 1626 in Hamar, Norway, under the name Erik VonHamer. Being the son of a humble cobbler, not much was expected of the young man. But Doc was destined for greater things.

At 17, with nothing more than well made shoes and a dream, he made his way to Antwerp to study oil painting under the great Peter Paul Rubens. Within a year, the two were at odds. Rubens spoke—infrequently—of Doc as "that creepy, skinny kid," and Doc spoke of Rubens's work as "kinda unattractive if you really look at it."

By 1648, Doc had relocated to Leiden, where he found his true master in Rembrandt. It was there, in his 23rd year, that Doc met "She Who Was To Deliver The Kiss Of Eternal Youth." After a spicy courtship, "She Who Was To Deliver The Kiss Of Eternal Youth" and Doc were married. By 1650 Doc had grown weary of immortality and committed an unsuccessful suicide by burying his never-corpse in the basement of a Dutch cottage.

In 1870, Doc resurfaced again. Using the name Vilhelm Hammershoi, Doc resumed his painting career with mild success. After thanking his bride for "the immortality thing" and nicely reminding her that he had "heard every one of her stories, like a billion times," "She Who Was To Deliver The Kiss Of Eternal Youth" and Doc split up in 1916. Again, Doc literally went underground until—now using the name Armond Hammer—he resurfaced and made a whole mess of money selling overpriced meds to the Russians.

Sick of all the baking soda jokes, Doc faked his death. Biding his time till the MC Hammer thing had blown over, Doc again resurfaced as "Doc Hammer." Today, Doc still paints in oils and writes, voices, and does other crap for The Venture Bros (a show you can watch on cable TV).