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jokes============================================================TopSubj: Puppet
Show (S401)
From: JokesUncut on 7/14/2004 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com).......................Top

A guy gets his penis severed
in a car accident. When he wakes up in the hospital, he
rings for the doctor. The doctor comes in and tells him
what happened. "So what are my options?" the patient
asks.

"You have two options: we can
sew your penis back on, but it will cost you about a million
dollars. Or...we can sew on a baby elephant's trunk.
It will look a bit different, but it will feel
the same and that will only cost about a thousand dollars."

The guy says, "Well, I'm low
on cash so I'll have to go with the elephant trunk."

About two weeks later the guy
is out to dinner with some friends, when all of a sudden
the trunk comes up from under the table, grabs a biscuit,
then returns back under the table. The guy
thinks, "Shit, I hope nobody saw that!" About five
minutes later, the trunk comes up and grabs another biscuit.
This time the guy's friends see it.

"Holy shit! What the fuck
was that?" his friends ask. So the guy tells them the story
of the accident and the surgery. "Wow, that's
awesome! Can you do that again?" they ask.

The guy says, "Well, I probably
could, but I don't think my ass could take another biscuit!".

Jack goes to the doctor and says
"Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can
you help me?"

After a complete examination
the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that
the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.
There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing
to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks
sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains,
"what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a
baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently
then says, "Well the thought of going through life without
ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light
to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening
for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants
in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt
a stirring between his legs that continued to the point
of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his
fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went
to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned
to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at
first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible!
Can you do it again?"

Jack replied with his eyes watering,
"Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit
another roll in my ass."

This lady walks into her psychiatrist
one day and says: "Doctor, I just can't have an
orgasm." "Do you masturbate?", he says. "No luck". is
the reply. "How about cunnilingus?" "Nope" "Kick-start vibrator?"
"Wakes up the neighbors, but not me." she complains.
"Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here." The doctor says
as he walks into the next room. He walks out with a black velvet
case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it,
revealing its contents.

"What is it", she gasps.

"It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims,
as he hoists the foot- long, meaty shaft from the case.
"It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire.
Watch. VOODOO DICK, hand!" he commands. The
dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye
can see. "Ooooh", she sighs. "VOODOO DICK, case." The
dick returns in a shot to its case. "You may take this, but you
must promise NOT to abuse its power."

"Certainly, of course, anything
you say," she sputters as the wetness in her mouth matches
the wetness in her panties. So she takes the magic missile
with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her
car. She can't wait to get home, so she prys the lid open
on the seat next to her. "VOODOO DICK, hand!" she commands.
It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed
by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.
"VOODOO DICK, pussy!" she screams, and it obliges.
Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.
"VOODOO DICK, fuck me." It begins to thrust in and out.
"VOODOO DICK, faster!" It quickens the pace while the
woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course
through her body. "VOODOO DICK, harder!" It pounds
away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon
the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of
satisfaction. "VOODOO DICK, stop."

BUT IT WON'T STOP !!!!!!
"VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she yells. It continues its
relentless assault. "Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts"
It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench
it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just
as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass,
trying to get it.

She quickly starts the car and
screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO
DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to
pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner.
Sirens blare.

The women is babbling senselessly
as the officer approaches her car. "You-you have
to let me go. There is this-this thing- gotta go" she yells.
"Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell
is your problem?"

"You don't under-understand.
There is this VOODOO DICK following me." she sputters.

Once, in ancient times, King
Arthur informed the Knights of the Round Table that he was
about to embark on another quest. As was the custom
in those days, he acquired a chastity belt for Guinivere
to wear while he was gone. This was no ordinary chastity
belt because besides the lock, there was also a miniature
guillotine hidden inside. So, off went the king and it
was six months before his return.

Upon his arrival he called for
an assemblege of his Knights of the Round Table.
He had them line up and lower their pants. One
by one, he inspected them and was dismayed to see that each
reveiled a heavily bandaged area - all except for Lancelot
who didn't have a scratch.

"So, Lancelot," the King said,
embracing him, "you are the only Knight of the Round Table
who did not betray my friendship and trust. Tell me
which of my treasures you would have and it shall be yours!"

At first I was afraid, I was
petrified, When you said you had 10 inches,
Lord I almost died! But I'd spent so many years
just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I knew
that I could take you on....

But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a big Mac and
you've bought me a French fry! I should have known that it
was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream, Should have known there was
no anaconda lurking in those jeans!

Go on now go, walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches,
then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a brat to think
I wouldn't catch you out!? Don't you know we're only joking
when we say size doesn't count???!

(Chorus) I will survive!! I will survive!
'Cos as long as I have batteries, My sex life is gonna thrive! I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

(2nd verse) It took all my self control
not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little weiner
standing tall and proud! But to hell with all your egos
and to hell with all your needs Now I'm saving all my lovin'
for a cordless multispeed!

(Chorus) I will survive! I will survive! 'Cos as long as I have batteries, My sex life is gonna thrive! I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

Canadian lawmakers take
sex crimes extremely serious. Currently, Canadian lawmakers
are passing a bill that will keep sex offenders in permanent
"lock down" even after they are released from
prison.

The bill is titled "Holland Ice
Cup", and should be passed into law by next week.
The new "Holland Ice Cup" law is a device that acts much like a
pair of handcuffs, but they are handcuffs for the male testicles.
The testicles of a sex offender will be kept in
this metal grip from the moment they leave prison until
the day they die.

The test case study for this
new law met with the press recently and explained how serious
this law is, "I was arrested for stealing a porno
magazine and spent 2 hours in jail. When I get out
I have these on my nuts."

Mother is in the kitchen making
supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks
in.

Child: Mother, where do babies
come from?

Mom: Well dear...a mommy
and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they
go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The
daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his
penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the
other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had
daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do
that?

Once upon a time, in Ancient
Egypt, a man walked into the Apothecary. (Egyptian equivalent
of a Pharmacy or Drugstore.) He walked up to the counter,
and said: "One Rhino's Horn, Please." The Apothecary
was startled and said, "But Sir! Most people require only a fraction
of an ounce of this precious aphrodisiac!"

"Look, I need this so just sell
it to me and I'll be on my way," replied the Customer.
"Why? This will cost over three times its weight in gold!
Are you sure you wish to purchase it?", the Apothecary queried.

The man looked a bit annoyed,
and explained his situation. "Right. Tonight, I've
got three of the most stunningly attractive women coming round
tonight, and I know for a fact that none of them have had any
sex for more than a year and that they're crying for it.
You know, "Gaggin' for a Shaggin'". That sort of thing. I've
got to be in TOP Form, ready to satisfy!"

"Well Sir, you do seem to have
a genuine need for it. If you'll just step over here..."
The Apothecary weighed the man's gold and with a look in
his eyes that you only see in men who've just made a ridiculous
profit, handed over a full Rhino's Horn to his customer.
The man left the Shop with a silly smile on his face.

Night Passed.....

The next afternoon, the same
man came back to the Apothecary, looking terrible. His
eyes were glazed and bloodshot, his skin was drawn and his cheeks
pinched. He had huge bags under his eyes, and the whole area
around his eyes were black with fatigue. His hair was
lank and greasy, and his stubble was not designer. He was basically
a wreck. He staggered up to the counter and gasped, "A tube
of 'Deep Heat" menthol rub, please. I'm desparate."

"Good grief. What ever
for Sir?", inquired the Apothecary. Without a second thought, the
man immediately undid his robe- belt, and dropped his sack-cloth
slacks.

"Take a look at that!", he said
as he placed his penis on the Apothecary's counter.
The Apothecary winced. The man's penis was in no better shape than
his customer, it was reddened, rubbed raw, bleeding in places,
and definitely the worse for wear.

"You're going to put 'Deep Heat'
on THAT!?", the Apothecary asked. "Do you know how
painful it will be on your dick?"

"Oh, no. It's not for my
penis. It's for my wrists....the girls didn't show up last night."

A guy is out golfing alone one
day and shoots a hole in one on the 13th hole, a short par
3. When he picks the ball up out of the cup, a genie pops
out of the hole and says, "You got a hole in one, so I'll grant
you any one wish you want."

The guy thinks for a minute and
says, "I'd like to have the longest dick in the world."
Poof. Done. The genie disappears and the guy attempts
to finish the round, but it is nearly impossible.
His dick is so long, it's dragging on the ground, victim to every
stone, pebble, and bramble along the way. He even
stepped on the end a couple of times.

In obvious pain, he finally makes
his way to the clubhouse where the greenskeeper asks
him what's wrong. He relates the story and the tragic consequences.
The greenskeeper says, "Ah, that genie again.
I'm afraid the only thing I know you can do is to take a
case or two of golf balls back to the hole and keep hitting
shots until you get another hole in one. Then
ask the genie for another wish."

This makes sense to the guy,
so he makes his way very gingerly back to the 13th tee
and hits literally hundreds of golf balls in serious discomfort
until he gets lucky and shoots another hole in one.
On pulling his ball out of the cup, the genie again
appears: "You got a hole in one, so I'll grant you any one
wish you want." The guy looks around, and with
a smile on his face says, "I'd like to have longer legs!"

One day a five year old little
girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that
she had learned how you get a baby. The mother
was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell
me all about it?"

The little girl then explained,
"Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes,
and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the
mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her
mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and
makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the
mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby."

The mother looked lovingly at
her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said,
"Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby.
That's how you get jewelry."

The bartender notices him and
asks what's wrong. The man replies that he believes that
his wife is being unfaithful but isn't sure how to confront
her about it. The bartender replies, "Here's what you do.
Tonight when you get home, pull down your pants, point
to your willy and ask her what it is.

If she say's its a dick, then
that means she's lost her innocence and shyness which
would indicate that she has been sleeping aroung.
If she say's it's a pecker then that indicates that she is still
shy and innocent."

The man decides to give it a
try and immediately goes home to summon his wife. As
she enters the living room, our friend drops his pants, points
to his member and asks her what it is.

"Oh, that's a pecker." responds
his wife.

The man lets out a big sigh of
relief and exclaims. "Whew, I was afraid you were going
to call it a dick."

His wife responds, "Oh no, that's
a pecker all right. A dick is twice that size!"

Guy goes out drinking and bar
hopping and gets real loaded. Has a great time and wakes up
the next day but can't remember much about last night
except he knows he had a great time. Goes into the bathroom
to take a leak and sees two rings around his dick.
One ring is red and the other is brown. He gets really
worried so he goes to see his doctor.

"Doc, he says, I was out drinking
last night. I don't remember too much but when I
woke up and went to piss I saw these two rings around my
dick. What the hell are they from?"

Doctor takes a look and says,
"Hmmm, I don't know. Let me run some quick tests and I'll
see if I can't find out what they're from."

Doctor goes out and comes back
in ten minutes and says, "Well, I've got good news and
bad news. How do you want it?"

When the man
first noticed that his penis was growinglonger, he was delighted. Several
weeks and severalinches later, he became concerned
and went to see aurologist. While his wife waited
outside, thephysician examined him and explained
that, thoughtrare his condition could be corrected
by minorsurgery.

.

The patient's wife
anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination
and was told of the diagnosis and the need for
surgery.

This guy walks into a bar and
after only taking two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar
but says, "What the heck, I really want a drink".

When the gay waiter approaches
he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says "Look, I'm
just not into that. All I want is a drink".

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry
but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of
your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for
the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of
the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer turns the man sitting
to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks "hey
bud, what's the name of your penis?" The gentleman
with a smile looks back and says "TIMEX". The
thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause
it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the customer
turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita.
"So, what do you call your penis?" The other gentleman
turns to him and proudly exclaims "FORD". The customer
thinks how this naming thing works and says, "Because quality
is Job 1?" The gentleman replies, "No. Let me ask you,
have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer
has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name
for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
"The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour
the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He
wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns
to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart
is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is
as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"

TopSubj: How
To Use 'Maintain'
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #199 on 97-09-29

From the Toronto Globe and Mail
Newspaper:

A pharmacist at a busy retail
store received a phone call from a frantic man. He
wanted to know the side effects of Maintain.

Maintain is a topical nerve blocker,
which temporarily blocks sensations, and is used
to treat premature ejaculation in men.

The pharmacist explained to the
man that a skin rash is always a possibility, but most
people have no problem with this product. The man
was still upset, so the pharmacist finally asked him if there was
a specific problem he was having with the product.

He explained that he and his
wife had just used the Maintain, and now his wife was
slurring her words, and unable to control her tongue
very well.