Lionel Messi playing for FC Barcelona against Espanyol in January.
Photograph: Bagu Blanco/BPI/Rex/Shutterstock

Name: God.

Age: 31.

Appearance: Brown hair, 5ft 7in tall with a big number 10 on his back.

As in the Ten Commandments? No. As in the enganche or attacking playmaker role.

Wait a minute … You’re not talking about the real God? Well, the identity of the real God is a matter of debate, to put it mildly.

Still, he’s surely older than 31. You mean that Argentinian footballer, Lionel Messi, don’t you? The Gifted One goes by many names.

Fine. Call him what you like, but Messi isn’t God. You’re not the first to say so. Another Argentinian, Pope Francis, renounced him on Sunday during an inquisition – sorry, an interview – on the Spanish TV show Salvados.

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Pope Francis on Lionel Messi: 'He's great, but he is not God' – video

They won’t break His Holiness that easily. When asked whether it was sacrilege to call Messi God, the pope replied: “In theory it is sacrilege. You cannot say it, I don’t believe.”

So, I suppose there is an excommunication in the post for most Barcelona fans? Possibly not. Pope Francis seemed ready to accept that “He is a god with a ball on the pitch” might just be a metaphor.

I see. Like the Bible? Um, maybe. “Of course he brings happiness,” the pope said, “but he isn’t God.”

Why would someone choose Messi as their God anyway? Well, there’s no doubt that Messi exists, for one thing.

Existence is overrated. Plus, Messi performs miracles.

Like being convicted of tax fraud in 2016? When was the last time the Catholic God was convicted of tax fraud? Ah, well, God is tax exempt in his own universe. It’s all part of his plan.

Of course. Actually, I was thinking of Messi’s humanitarian and footballing contributions. When was the last time the Catholic God scored a goal like Messi’s third against Real Betis?

I think there was a left-foot lob somewhere in Deuteronomy … Hang on, though. Isn’t Messi himself a Roman Catholic? Sort of. He and his wife Antonella had two of their children out of wedlock, then married in a civil ceremony. Although he often thanks God for things, and has a tattoo of Jesus on his right arm.

Well that’s all right then. I’m pretty sure the pope doesn’t worship himself either. Really?