AV: “Good. We don’t want him to come try to help and make things worse.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

AV: “Please look at the front of the modem. If you see three lights lit up, press or say one. For two lights, press or say two. For no lights, press or say three.”

Me: “Three.”

AV: “Your modem has no lights on, is that correct?”

Me: “Yes.”

AV: “Please check that the modem is plugged into the wall.”

Me: “Hold on.” (pause)

Me: “It is not plugged into the wall.”

AV: “Of course it’s not. Men, hmmph. Am I right?”

Me: “What?”

AV: “Please plug the modem into the wall. If you see three lights lit up, press or say one. For two lights, press or say two. For no lights, press or say three.”

Me: “Son of a gun. I’ve got three lights.”AV: “Have I helped you with your problem today?”

Me: “Yes!”

AV: “Thank you for calling the virtual helpline. Please stay on the line for a short survey about any other equipment installation your husband may have messed up. And have a great day.”You can follow Tracy on Twitter @TracyBeckerman and become a fan on Facebook at www.facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage.