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Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Survival Tips for Surgical Recovery

Sitz Uboo, Sitz...

(not intended to serve as providing medical
advice at all)

1.There is no simple surgery…and major surgery is major for a reason (I’ll save my fast sprints for drive-through McDonald’s runs and fast food…ooh, doesn’t a McDonald’s fountain Coca Cola sound good? And some salty, crispy fries? Squirrel!).

2.

The blue plug on a catheter has a hair trigger…nasty results will follow if it pops out at the wrong moment (like when you’ve just exchanged a hospital gown for comfy and clean yoga pants).

3.Aside from milk, very few things around the
house weigh less than five pounds (hell, my sliding glass doors require more
effort than that).

4.Tough love is likely the best remedy, but you
will still cringe when a well meaning loved one tells you to “suck it up
soldier.” (after you laugh out loud, inflicting even more pain…yeah, really do
just have to suck it up).

5.Medical guidance that begins with “use your best
judgment”…is not medical guidance.If
you paid for someone to tell you that, you should probably ask for your money
back.Hell, even Charlie Brown got more
for his nickel when he asked Lucy for advice.

6.When someone asks what your pain level is on a
scale of 1 – 10, they don’t like it when you say “negative 100.”But who cares…they’re the same ones, who told
you to use your best judgment.

7.The correct answer (in any situation), when
someone tells you to self- administer an enema, is “No thank you.”Period!

8.You may believe that a sense of humor will serve
you well.It will, but resist the urge
to crack jokes just before the mask goes over your face…trust me when I say
there is no one “laughing with you”…and you’re the only one who won’t remember the
punch line.

9.You may never again laugh at the line, “I’ve
fallen and I can’t get up” … especially if you have organs rendered spare parts
that literally have “fallen and can’t get back up.”

10.You can take more than ten prescriptions at
once…prescribed like a Sam's Club wholesale pick-up, and left unmonitored and compartmentalized by prescribing physician as far as future guidance on whether to finish or not finish...refill or not refill.

Caveat: Unless it’s pain medication.Then you’re screwed.Break them
into wedges, hide them under your mattress, and keep one under glass in case of
emergency.They will tell you that
alternating ibuprofen and acetaminophen will work just as well (to ease the pain of
multiple incisions and stitch points).Just nod and smile…patient advocacy is dead and if you want to stay
alive, you better be nice to them (please God, don’t let them read this blog…I
was just kidding!). Cue Monty Python, "I'm feeling better...I don't want to go in the cart!"

M

(At the time of this writing, I am sitting upright for the first time in 11 days...hang in there...it does get better...just use your best judgment and keep smiling!)

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About Me

I've been a writer since I was a child, scrawling down sentence fragments and notes on scrap pieces of paper...imagining the future and how I might change the world. Over the years, my writings began to take shape more to maintain my own sanity than any strategic thought process. I kept journals and poetry for years. Imagine opening a time capsule twenty years later only to find relevant, thought provoking essays...once useless journals, now transformed into a new age of blogging and sharing. A box full of treasures to share and re-ignite my creative side of writing. This time capsule's day has come!