Jeremy bottoms and Fran and Barry sleep with a group on The Amazing Race 9

In its eight episode, The Amazing Race 9 returned to the homoeroticism that has become this season’s version of the hypocritical religiosity that was pervasive during the family edition last season. In addition, the teams were back to old form, delivering an entertaining leg of the race. Highlights from it:

“We’re stopping to drop off money at BJ’s car. We’re giving them $20,” Fran said, “they have none,” Barry finished. He added that “the other teams see us as real competitive now.” Well, not now that you’re helping them, you morons.

A few minutes later, we learned while Fran and Barry gave money to BJ and Tyler: Monica said that “the hippies wanted us to leave money on their car, but they said that if we didn’t give them money they wanted to Yield us.” In other words, the little bastards threatened the other teams, and of course it worked on the old people. So the clowns can be dicks; who knew? Monica and Joseph were not up for being threatened: “we ran over to their car and gave them nothing,” Joseph said.

While Ray and Yolanda did leave money, Eric and Jeremy did not, and this gave Eric the opportunity to craft a metaphor that made no sense other than to further our perception of him as a womanizing jerkface. “It’s like trying to get in a girl’s pants, you know: lie, cheat, steal, you know, whatever you can,” he said, while Jeremy chuckled.

Upon finding the money in their car, BJ shouted, “Oh my god! There is money they left for us!” as if it was an act of mercy, not the result of a threat. But he confirmed a second later that they did, indeed, extort the other teams; he was “worried about the teams that didn’t leave us money. Better watch out,” he said.

BJ picked up a hitchhiker, which was nice until Tyler used the opportunity to make fun of yet another foreign accent.

“Can I get some of this Bedouin lovin’,” BJ asked, after their hitchhiking friend bumped noses with Tyler but not him. “That guy rocked my world,” Tyler said.

“Everybody looked like they saw a ghost when they saw the hippies,” Ray said, after BJ and Tyler barely made it onto the same flight to Australia. They then proceeded to jump up and down in the aisles, and alas, there were no air marshals on board to mace them.

“What is that stench?” Monica asked, in the back seat of a cab. “Oh, I think it’s because Eric and Jeremy came by. Stinky boys, stinky.”

Sometimes Fran looks exactly like Aunt Edna from National Lampoon’s Vacation. You know, without the walker.

“Ahh! Come on! Come on! Come on!” Guess who screamed that while slapping his teammate in the ass? (The unsurprising answer: Jeremy)

Moments later, entering a hostel that most of the teams decided to stay in, Jeremy said, and I am not making this up, “Nice, I got bottom.”

“We’re in the Pleasure Dome,” Barry said, upon finding their named room. “What does that mean?” Fran asked. “I don’t know,” Barry said. Fran asked, “Do we have other people in here?” “I guess so,” Barry replied. They got excited looks on their faces, and Barry said, “This race has ruined our sex life. I’ll tell you that.” Just in case we didn’t have a vivid enough picture in our mind already, Fran added, “That’s for damn sure.”

Changing before the Detour, either Eric or Jeremy said, “You guys wanna see some ass?” For the sake of argument, let’s just assume it was Jeremy. A few moments later, though, he said, “We’re in our amazing Speedos. If there were chicks, we’d be hooking up with them.” Um, probably not.

“This is a Baywatch moment,” one of them said, running toward a bearded Australian man. As they walked away with their clue, Eric’s Speedo slipped down, and whoever you are and whatever you like, we all owe the editors $10 for blurring his ass crack.

The teams had to find a place called Fremantle Prison. Also known as American Idol.

“I have every right to be scared of him,” Monica said. About a lobster.

“Apparently it’s a great thing we have a lead, because my partner is lost in the catacombs of a prison. … I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing,” Eric said. Well, Eric, it’s a prison, and it’s Jeremy. And you kind of answered your own question in the sentence.

“These lights are boning us big time,” BJ said. He was talking about stoplights; apparently, he gets turned on by almost anything.

Eric said to a group of women who refused to give him directions, “thanks for ignoring us,” as if that was the first time a woman had ever ignored him.

“Kind of like the Pirates of the Caribbean,” Yolanda said as she rowed through tunnels beneath a prison.

I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that Eric and Jeremy, who yet again came in first, will win. I’m just going to start calling them Zach and Flo.

“We’re last; I feel badly,” Fran said. We do too, Fran. Although they were remarkably incompetent at times, they were also quite resilient and managed to come in first once. “I don’t want to cry,” Fran said. “I’m not going to cry,” she said, crying. “She’s an incredible woman, and I couldn’t exist without her,” Barry said.

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about Andy Dehnart

Andy Dehnart’s writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Vulture, Pacific Standard, The Los Angeles Times, and other publications. He has covered reality television for more than 18 years, and created reality blurred in 2000.

A member of the Television Critics Association, Andy, 41, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.

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reality blurred is your guide to the world of reality TV and unscripted entertainment, with reality show reviews, news, and analysis. It was created in 2000 by Andy Dehnart. He's still writing and publishing it today.

reality blurred is regularly updated with highlights from the world of reality TV: news and analysis; behind-the-scenes reports; interviews with reality TV show cast members and producers; and recaps and reviews of these reality TV shows, including Survivor, Big Brother, The Great British Baking Show, Shark Tank, The Amazing Race, The Bachelor, Project Runway, Dancing with the Stars, Top Chef, and many more.