The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.Calvin Trillin (1935 - )~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Explaining Life

On the first day God created the cow... God said, "you must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty" and God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog... God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "that's too long to be barking... give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey... God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh... I'll give you a twenty year life span." the monkey said, "how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too." And God agreed again.

Now on the fourth day, God created man... God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what, I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back... the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back... that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God... "you've got a deal!"

So this is why for... the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing... the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family... the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren... the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody...

life has now been explained.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be, This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red, My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life, My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife, To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run, And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son, My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue, Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild, And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild, For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw, As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

He whispers...

"Iron this, and get me something to eat."~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perfect EmployeeThe Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.

Tonight I turned my TV off so I can get through this.

Ok I didn't turn it off exactly. I muted it, and I am NOT looking at it.

I'm not looking at it.

I am NOT staring out the window either.

I am NOT staring at the ceiling fan going round and round. (sigh)

well......

Hey! IT'S FRYDAY Y'ALL! WOOT WOOT

Why Only One Taco?

That still gets me.

Ok I guess I WILL play with my doggie for a while.

She's hard to resist.

That's probably why I fell in love with her.

Ummmm

Lets see, that's 1, 2, 3,......... yep 8 smileys.

Ok I'm outta here.

Just think what you might have to listen to if we didn't have that smiley limit. (bigga grin)

Have a happy day everyone.

joe

Edited by gymcandy1 (08/29/1307:49 PM)

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"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

Good morning everyone. The boys are going to fix the porch roof that leaks. The Lexon panels need replaced. To all here and all who follow, have a Great TGIF. Danish, Waffles, and Bacon Sandwiches, in the NC.

Super busy day around here. Soot and I were up early to take 3 to the park. Walked out expecting that nice cool weather we've had....but eeek....hot and muggy before 6 a.m. Went to the park anyway and tired everyone out.

Then home to smoothie the adults, mix up some Joe Frogger cookies as the dough has to be in the frig for 8 hours before you can make the cookies and clean the kitchen. Then back to the park with Keoki for a wander walk.

Home for 10 minutes....gotta type fast....then back out the door to the vet with Keoki.

Must be home by 1, as exdil will drop off the Cully then.

Back to the next town over at 2:30 to pick up Per from school. I'm not sure exactly where the school is so depending on time, I will go find it after the vet.

Back home to order b'day present for newest g'son whose b'day is tomorrow. Dil is usually excellent at sending me her list with links. She said she sent it quite some time ago, but I just got it this morning. So some fast shopping needs to happen both for g'son and Dil whose b'day is next week.

Arrraaghhh! The temperature here (always perfect) never got below 75 last night. It's now 80's inside and 90's outside. Amazing. Would be great except the humidity is climbing from 60% going up up up.

Horrible sticky drippy icky weather. Lovely sea breeze though which makes it better if you can stay outside on the porch swing all day. I'm gonna try. No air conditioning in my house. I'd probably use it maybe one week a year and that would triple my electric bill for the year (it's true). I'd rather just complain a lot.

Thrift store find yesterday: A real honest to goodness 'Security Officer' badge. Yup, neat. I'm adding it to my collection of other badges. Nice 7 point star with all the stuff that looks official. I looked it up on line, it's available at police supply places. Maybe I should put it on and patrol my neighborhood. On second thought...

Poor neighbor guy still hasn't buried his kitty. It's sitting in plastic bag on a tree stump in his front yard. The ground is so hard where he wants to put it that he digs an inch at a time. This isn't gonna be pretty by the time the heat gets to it. I shudder to think about it. Dunno why he isn't putting him out back in the far corner of the property with the rest of the 'departed'. Not my call, but I hate seeing that plastic bag especially with this HEAT!

My vet visit was sooooooooooo late. I had planned to do the vet visit and then pick up Cully, but good thing I didn't have to today as they were nearly an hour late. The actual procedure takes 4 minutes, so once they got to me, we were in and out but we waited and waited and waited. So, lesson learned. Will schedule that treatment for days I don't have to pick up kids.

Then home to feed by-now-starving dogs and mom. Cully should be here any second. I need to get up and jump up and down or something as all I really want to do is take a nap.

Back later

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"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -Roger Caras