An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I wonâ€™t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. Iâ€™m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Donâ€™t dig up that garden. Thatâ€™s where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. Thatâ€™s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith, and questioned him about implants.

He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say 'Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'

She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger!! she was very impressed.

One morning she woke up late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.

So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says 'Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies'.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in"

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO shit", he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

A woman is standing nude in front of a full length mirror.
She is'nt happy with what she sees.
She says to her husband "I hate myself, I look old and I'm big as a blimp and I'm ugly. You know dear I could use a few words of encouragement right now."
Her husband replies "Your vision is good."

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry..... How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.

A man was watching the superbowl and kept switching channels
to the dirty movie channel featuring a couple
going at it hot and heavy.
To his wife he said I, I, I don't know if I should
watch them or the game!?
To which his wife replys OH for heavens sake Carl
watch them,
you already know how to play football

Bullfrogs & Blowjobs
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blowjobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true, no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here.'

I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.

THE POTTY!
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mothe thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to check on him.
The boy is sitting on the toilet looking at a picture book but about every 15 seconds he puts the book down grips the seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.
His mother says "Billy, are you alright? You been here a long time."
Billy says "I'm fine mommy, I just have'nt gone yet."
Mother says "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Billy, why do you keep hitting yourself on top pf your head?"
Billy says "It works on the ketchup."

The Burglar
>
>
> A burglar broke into a house one night.
> He shined his flashlight around,
> looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
>
> 'Jesus knows you're here.'
>
> He nearly jumped out of his skin,
> clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
>
> When he heard nothing more , after a bit,
> he shook his head and continued.
>
> Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
> disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
>
> 'Jesus is watching you.'
>
> Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
> looking for the source of the voice.
>
> Finally, in the corner of the room,
> his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
>
>
>
> 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
>
> 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
> 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
>
> The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
>
> 'Moses,' replied the bird.
>
> 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. '
> What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
>
> 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
>

I don't post things because I believe that they are the absolute truth. I post them because I believe that they should be considered.

Most people accept that Ben Franklin discovered electricity with his kite flying experiment.
While most of it true, Mrs. Franklin played a role in it.
One stormy night while the two were in bed
Ben leans over to Mrs. Fraklin and whispered something in her ear
to which she replys "Go fly a kite"