I’m Batman. You’re Robin

I’ve had an influx of readers and clients lately who have finally met the man of their dreams and are happily paired in a new dating relationship (after what seems like a lifetime of trying to find him), only to be disappointed and distressed when they discover the sex has gone flat and they’re struggling in the bedroom.

They are thrilled to have Mr. Right in their lives, but they miss the sexual highs and adventure of their single life.

This is actually a very common phenomenon.

There are a variety of reasons for why this might be happening. This can sometimes be traced to someone who has intimacy issues due to psychological wounds from the past or attachment difficulties.

This also often happens with men who have a chronic history of anonymous sexual encounters with no-strings attached mindsets, as they have become conditioned to the sexual pursuit and conquest chase that gets reinforced with each new man they have sex with.

It’s also common with those men whose erotic templates are charged by sexual role playing (i.e. Batman/Robin, doctor/patient, daddy/son, etc.) in which their sexual lives are predominated by playing these roles.

These are just a few explanations.

The problem with these possible causative factors is they can be hazardous to your dating life. How can that be, you ask?

In the case of men with a history of noncommittal sex and one-night stands, the ultimate goal of sex deviates away from emotional connection and intimacy and tends to be more focused on getting off and moving on.

It can also serve the purpose of staving off loneliness, experiencing physical touch or boosting self-esteem. Sometimes sexual addiction can result.

Sex becomes more about the mechanics and the secondary gains experienced than about merging with a soul mate, and this can cause a person to become hardened to the whole experience of sexual intimacy, not knowing how to handle it when faced with it.

For those whose sexuality seems more oriented around role playing or kink fetishes, dating and intimacy can also be adversely affected.

This is because sex becomes about playing a character and the partners involved are behaving off a script.

You’re not necessarily having an intimate experience with your lover because you’re not living in the moment of the here and now. You’re in character-mode (i.e. “Yes, Daddy, want do you want me to do now?”)

Role playing and kink tend to cause a disconnect from emotional connection in favor of playing these scripted roles. Over time, the danger is an individual may get to a point where they can only get turned on by role playing and not by vanilla sex or intimate lovemaking.

This is not to be confused with true S&M relationships, for example.

There are some relationships, like master/slave, whose entire lifestyle revolves around this dynamic, not only sexually but with every aspect of their daily living.

Because both partners are willing participants and they derive their identity from this lifestyle, intimacy can still be interwoven and tends not to interfere with emotional connection.

It’s these other examples that are vulnerable.

It’s when they become the defining aspect of the sexual relationship that it can become problematic.

If you find your role-playing activities or other sexual fetishes are the only vehicles that contribute to your getting excited and being able to be sexual, then this might be indicative of some of these warning signs described.

What if sex has begun to wane?

Relearning a whole new way of being sexual is the key so these old patterns don’t keep getting projected into your partnered relationships and cause a barrier.

Developing a healthy sexuality with your partner that is dictated more by love and emotional connection and intimacy is the goal.

It’s impossible to explain the actual treatment methods used to help this situation in a short article due to the complexities involved, but you can begin this process by initially abstaining from your typical patterned sexual behavior and avoid viewing pornography that will reinforce these fantasies.

This will be unhelpful in your efforts to relate on a new level with your partner.

Enlisting the services of a therapist can be helpful, both individual and couples counseling, and start on a clean slate with your new man.

It’s all about a rewiring process to enable you to experience a more holistic ability to be passionate with your partner than scripted or mechanical sex.

You will learn how to feel the love for your partner when being sexually intimate, leading to a more profound sense of closeness to him and more powerful orgasms, too!

You don’t want to sabotage the special relationship you’re building with your new guy after all the hard work it’s taken for you to find him. So ditch the Batman cape and gloves and the leather whips and chains…at least for now!

During this initial stage of your relationship development, these props will only serve as distractions and barriers to the emotional connection you’re trying to build with your man.

Learn to be intimate with himfirst, and later you can use these as sexy supplements as enhancers to an already hot and satisfying emotional and sexual connection with your Mr. Right.

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Brian Rzepczynski

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW, is “The Gay Love Coach." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com. Connect with him on Google+.

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