It All Counts

I thought I was a giving person. Then I got married and had kids.

During my high school and college years, I thought of myself as a giving person. I spent hours at the local nursing home and the children’s hospital. I spent countless Saturday nights on “Midnight Runs” in which we packed up dinner for the homeless and then drove in a van throughout Manhattan searching for hungry people. In college, I tutored poor, inner city kids and did the middle of the night volunteer shift in the Penn Hospital emergency room.

I never spoke about any of these activities much; they were just a part of the fabric of my life like my classes and my sorority parties. But still they served as part of my identity; I was a person who wanted to make the world a better place. I liked to give. I was also the type of person who was easy to get along with. I had great relationships with my parents; with my roommates, I didn’t resent being the “flexible one.” What was the big deal if my roommate’s clothes were all over the living room floor or if she insisted on taking the bigger room? Who cared?

I started hearing myself saying things like: What about my needs? Why should I give in?

After graduation I married my soul mate and I immediately realized: I’m selfish and rigid. Of course, there are degrees to each of these character traits. But I started hearing myself saying things like: What about my needs? Why should I give in? Why should I do the dishes again?

From the beginning we were blessed with a marriage that was full of positive regard and respect. So I knew that I was discovering something new about myself. I did care when I stumbled over shoes scattered across the living room. And I realized that I wasn’t always in the mood to give and that giving became harder when it was expected instead of volunteered.

This self discovery reached new pinnacles when we were blessed with children. All of a sudden it didn’t matter whether or not I was in the mood to give. I had to get up four times in the middle of the night even if I didn’t want to. I had to clean up the throw up and change the sheets six times in one night when all the kids came down with the same stomach virus. And I had to be up again at six the next morning, ready to serve breakfast and pack lunches and do all of this with a smile.

One morning I finally admitted to myself: This is hard. I never had that moment in my volunteering days. I could smile at a student or a patient and say, "See you next week." But being a wife and mother, there wasn’t a next week or even a next minute; there was only now.

When I took an honest look at myself, I realized what I was really missing. The applause. The silent admiring glances of friends and colleagues. The long list of achievements and activities that filled my resume. And though I knew better, I would clean up the kitchen for the fifth time and change the tenth diaper of the day and think: This doesn’t count. I’m not achieving anything.

Then our fourth child was born. He was a beautiful, healthy baby who flashed his first smile when he was only one-month old. But he didn’t like to sleep. Ever. And the truth is that I cannot listen to a baby crying. For the first five months of my son’s life, I fed him and cradled him every hour. Needless to say I was very tired, but one night when my son was five months old he slept through the whole night. Eight hours of perfect sleep in which I kept sneaking into his room and checking his soft breathing. And that was it. He slept through the night starting then.

Real giving comes when you’re not in the mood, and all you want to do is go to sleep.

On the second night, I was so worried about the baby. Why wasn’t he waking up to eat? So I tiptoed into his room and stared into his crib. His arms were above his head and his chest was rising and falling in soft, barely perceptible motion. And I felt a tear wind its way down my cheek. I finally discovered that everything that I give to my family does count. It counts not because I will receive an award or anyone is going to add my sleepless nights to my resume. It counts because being a mother makes me into a giving person. It forces me to give in ways that I would never believe I could. It allows me to finally surpass the limits of myself in a way that a hundred volunteer activities never could.

And as I turned away from my sleeping son, I got it. Real giving comes when you’re not in the mood, and all you want to do is go to sleep. Real giving comes when you’ve worked all day, and you come home to an upside down house full of people who all want your attention. Real giving comes when you’re hungry, but you feed someone else first. Real giving begins when you can’t sign out after your shift.

I have started to see that how we give changes ourselves and the world forever. It all counts.

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About the Author

Sara Debbie Gutfreund received her BA in English from the University of Pennsylvania and her MA in Family Therapy from the University of North Texas. She has taught parenting classes and self-development seminars and provided adolescent counseling. She writes extensively for many online publications and in published anthologies of Jewish women's writing. She and her husband spent 14 wonderful years raising their five children in Israel, and now live in Blue Ridge Estates in Waterbury, Connecticut, where Sara Debbie enjoys skiing and running in her free time.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 15

(15)
Anonymous,
August 3, 2010 2:14 PM

Thank you for this beautiful article. After many years of singlehood filled with dozens of communal activities I am adjusting to a relatively new marriage and a new baby - thank G-d. Intuitively, I already knew what you were saying but it was so helpful to see the concept articulated so clearly.

(14)
Julia Colon,
July 3, 2010 3:02 AM

So True

Hi Sara: Thanks for the encouraging article. Prior to getting married I thought that I was spiritually advanced. Hee, heee.....I had read in the Garden of Emuna, that ones soul work does not begin until they get married---but surely that was for other people. Then, thank G-d I got married and became so present to the numerous limitations that I have and all of the character traits that need to be healed. Your article is encouraging in that, while it seems that Im far off the mark and perhaps Hashem is far away---in reality, now is the exact conditions that my soul needs for it;s growth. Many blessings to you and your family.

(13)
Anonymous,
June 23, 2010 12:13 AM

Wow

Thank you so much for this artice! I have b"h just had my first child, and I never imagined how much giving was involved. Your words put such a positive perspective on the long nights and often tiring days. It defines and clarifies what true giving is all about.

(12)
rs,
June 9, 2010 10:37 AM

great

great relationship boosters ...plz. keep them coming

(11)
SusanE,
March 23, 2010 3:03 AM

Self-Centered Until I had Children

Sara, Your article is a great reminder of what what true giving is. This quote from you is perfect . (( It allows me to finally surpass the limits of myself in a way that a hundred volunteer activities never could. )) ----- I was self-centered in my teenage years, and certainly NOT a giving person. When my first child was born, the feelings were all encompassing, the love was there from the first realization. I couldn't imagine I had those feelings or the ability to give and actually love the role of giver. ------------------------------ Those years of raising children to adulthood were the most productive and gratifying years I've ever spent. Nothing else comes close to even compare. Thanks for the reminder.

(10)
Elana,
March 19, 2010 4:17 PM

one article that I'll be saving

This article is so to the point. When I'm exhausted and don't want to go the extra mile, I'll remember your article.

(9)
Suja,
March 19, 2010 6:35 AM

Simply Enlightening

Thanks so much. Just like you I thought I was a very giving person and regarded as the "flexible one" until I got married and had children of my own. My concept of giving has changed after your article. Very often when its your close one's who are involved, we take a lot of things for granted and fail to realise and forget the giving personality latent in us.
Your article came as a gentle reminder for me when you said "Real giving comes when you’re not in the mood, and all you want to do is go to sleep. Real giving comes when you’ve worked all day, and you come home to an upside down house full of people who all want your attention. Real giving comes when you’re hungry, but you feed someone else first. Real giving begins when you can’t sign out after your shift.
Thanks again.

(8)
Sam,
March 18, 2010 6:46 PM

i enjoyed the article because i too have felt that way in regard to my children. but where is your husband in this story, sharing with you the sleepless nights and responsibility for the children? there were many sleepless nights for me as well, and i felt it was part of my responsibility and sharing.

(7)
,
March 17, 2010 3:05 AM

This article touched me completely. As women we are "expected" to be "on" at all times, doing and caring, over and over. Those blessed with children and a loving husband are truly blessed... know that! Please. There are many of us that are not and I can still understand the ups and downs, literally of being a mother because I wanted to be one. I was a wife without a husband. There was just some hideous man hanging about being mean and messy. I got out, again, again, again, again, and finally after going far enough in distance and across the Pacific Pond... I got out. I had a BAD CHILD ( :) ) in him. I know that I had no diapers to change but he was a ruthless child, totally psychopathic. Seeing your child sleep in your writing let me see that too. Thank you so much for your article. I love it when women write and put into words such pictures in my mind to share with me something so out of reach to me. Maybe, one day, because I leave this one up to G-d in the finding, putting in the right place and right time with me putting out some effort in getting out too, say do some shopping. Perhaps I will find a soul mate as good as some of you. Would you pray for me? I would be so grateful. I cannot express how grateful, tears are welling in my eyes. Kathy

(6)
Rebecca,
March 15, 2010 1:48 AM

Thank you!

I LOVE this article! I went from being an attorney to a stay at home wife and mom rather quickly. It was a shock - I used to get lots of admiring looks when I mentioned the name of my firm, I had a nice paycheck, pats on the back from associates, etc. That was my "applause." But just like you said - nobody is applauding me when I change my 4th dirty diaper of the day! It is a big adjustment and this article really made me see my new life in a new, more positive light. Thanks =)

(5)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2010 10:42 PM

Thank You

Loved this- it really made me stop, think, and appreciate.

(4)
jessica,
March 14, 2010 9:38 PM

This was great, i really related to it.

(3)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2010 8:51 PM

Wow

From a person who's just woken up and realized that marriage and family is probably the best vehicle for realizing potential in herself (and not necessarily a lively career), thanks for describing your epiphany so starkly and honestly. Your words have made me want to stop stalling already! :o)

(2)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2010 5:07 PM

great honest

according to the difficulty the reward- so it is with our mitzvot- so it is with our life- some are not blessed with children and achieve their shleimut (perfection) in other ways.But parenthood is the way for most of us-great essay

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!