Wednesday 6 March, 2002

07.05 E&M 55 mins. A good workout but my head is filled with all sorts of thoughts from yesterday’s talk with Karaj. I am oscillating between rising to the challenge and telling myself I am no good.

I was determined to sit with Karaj and talk these things through. What came out of it was that I need to relax. If I’m drifting, then accept it and don’t make myself wrong. Similarly, accept who I am and where I am. I am an emotional person full of resentment for other people and the ‘help’ I give them. I have bundles of commitment but I am committed to fucking up my life and blaming others. Accept this and relax and I’ll be okay. Karaj told me that my dream of going to Germany is over just as my football dream has gone, yet I find myself still clinging to both. Let go. Let go and be wherever I am, now.

He put me straight on my misinterpretation of his ‘lack of resources’. He cannot move forward until he has sufficient capable people around me. I had understood that he has been waiting for me to shape up but, as has been my habit, I did not check my understanding. He does need me to grow up more but he needs other people too.

I ended the day feeling much more comfortable with myself than I did this morning. I did all I could to stay in the moment and not think about being elsewhere or about where my life is going. It was much easier than my behaviour of late would indicate and it was just as Karaj said this morning: it simplified my life and freed up all my energies and commitment, enabling me not only to focus on the work but also to relax with where I am.