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Tips for grieving during holidays

SPECIAL TO THE NEWS JOURNAL
Published 12:05 a.m. ET Dec. 22, 2014

Joan Millman of Dover and her daughter, Beverly Abbott, of Clayton are looking for ways to approach the upcoming holidays after the loss of Millman’s husband.(Photo: Kim Hoey)

Joan Millman is worried about the empty chair next to her at holiday celebrations this year. Her daughter, Beverly Abbott, is wondering who’s going to carve the turkey.

After 55 years of marriage, Millman’s husband, Abbott’s father, died in April after a brief illness. His family is trying to figure out how to deal with the holidays this year while trying to work through their loss.

They are not alone. The holidays are a stressful time for many anyway, but add the stress of dealing with the loss of a loved one and suddenly the holidays don’t seem very jolly at all.

“There’s too much to do in too little time,” said Judy Pierson, a psychologist with Delaware Hospice Family Support Center. Unresolved feelings, family stress and too much forced social contact are often in direct conflict with the “happy” feeling most believe they are supposed to have with the holidays.

For a person grieving a recent loss, holidays can be particularly difficult. Holidays are filled with tradition, reminiscing and gatherings, said Pierson. “When you’ve lost someone, memories are painful. The person’s absence becomes a presence, an acutely felt void.”

To more than just get through the holiday, Pierson offers these suggestions:

• Focus on yourself and acknowledge how you are feeling. “It’s not selfish, it’s self-responsible,” said Pierson. People are hardest on themselves, she said. A self-test is to think what would I do for a friend who is going through this and then do it for yourself. Your emotions are part of that. If you try to bury them, they will just surface some other way sleeplessness, mood swings, sickness.

• Organize a family meeting before the holiday. Use that time to talk about expectations and explaining that those who are grieving will not be their “old self.” Also use the time to prioritize activities and rituals for each person for the holiday. Try to see that each person gets at least one of their cherished activities included in the day. Make sure the person coordinating this is not the one most directly affected by the loss.

• Ask for Help. Make a list of things so when people ask what they can do, it’s right there. People want to help but don’t know how, said Pierson. Have other family members make part of the dinner or let a neighbor help put up the decorations. Abbott spent every night at her parent’s house during her father’s illness. She is still emotionally and physically exhausted from his death. She usually has a lavish dinner with equally elaborate table settings. This year her children talked her into just having a buffet to make her job easier. The relief was amazing, said Abbott, of Clayton. It was like she needed permission to take care of herself right now.

• Identify roles the deceased played in family events and decide who can take over that role. Millman’s husband always took special care of cooking and carving the turkey. Figuring out who will fill that role is something she plans to discuss with her children and grandchildren.

• Plan ahead. Even if there is no plan with family, make a personal plan. Decide might be most difficult and make a plan to deal with it. If holiday socializing sounds draining, but is necessary, plan to arrive late and leave early. Say no and set limits, said Pierson. Don’t be afraid to talk to the deceased after the party either. If one would usually share the evening, still do.

• Music can affect you. Pierson cautions people to prepare for music to bring up memories and emotions and so be ready for that because it happens at the strangest times - in the middle of a store or at a party.

• Consider creating a ritual to honor the person missing and involve children when you can. Maybe light a candle next to a picture of the deceased, put a holiday treat on a plate in front of it.

• Pick something to carry with you that helps you feel connected to the person you lost. Millman, of Dover, had her husband’s wedding band made into a necklace that she can touch. Another woman carries one of her husband’s handkerchiefs in her pocket for a quick squeeze when she feels she needs one.

• Cut down on shopping. Use catalogues, purchase gift certificates or just skip it all together. “People will survive if they don’t get a gift from you this year,” said Pierson.

• Give yourself a present if nothing else give yourself the gift of time to do whatever you want.

• Don’t feel guilty. Guilt and sadness are not measures of love for the deceased. Enjoy moments of fun and happiness. It’s not disrespectful; it’s what the deceased would have wanted, said Pierson.

It takes some time and patience to educate people that there are no magic words to make something better and that sometimes the best thing they can do is listen and maybe just sit with there while the person cries.

Anticipation of the holiday is often much worse than the actual holiday, said Pierson, but know that there is no finish line. It’s not like one day this will all be over.

“You’ll make peace with it, but you will never quite be yourself again,” said Pierson. “It’s going to be a process.”