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Finding your mate in a lie, plus other information

Hello, I am new to the forum and I am newly single after 14 years of marriage and dating the same man for six months. My boyfriend wanted me to clean up his phone and ipad, I asked him to bring it over for me to do this. He was at my home all weekend and had a nice time, while he was getting ready upstairs, he had an allergic reaction to my hay, I decided to get his phone cleaned up before he left. Upon opening his phone, I noticed a text, he told me he was going to a meeting in banking on Monday, his daughter wanted to meet him for lunch or dinner. He never mentioned this all weekend, I am noticing him keeping things separate. I decided to open his texts, I thought it was strange that he did not mention his lunch/dinner with his daughter. I found out he was telling his best friend this.. he friend wrote "Your better off than both of them. They need you but you don't need them. Spend money on someone who cares". My BF replies "Very well said. All they do is take.. Their takers!"

I then found out he lied, he told me he has a business consult to do in Cleveland that weekend, but he had plans to play in a high stake poker table. His ex wife knew about it, but he told me something else. He had plans to take his daughter with him, but made no mention of it to me.

I am not a taker, I am a really good person, it is obvious he wants to keep me at "bay" and he is speaking about me in a bad light. I helped him with his ipad and iphone but without yelling or him even knowing about it I took my house keys off his key ring. There is no point in yelling, if that is how he feels about me and if he is going to lie, I suppose I don't have a relationship with this man, if he thinks I am a taker plus keeps me out of the loop with his family and friends.

I am 43 and he is 45, I think he should realize that at some points in a relationship one person is more of a giver and the other a taker, but if you communicate and understand where and at what point you are at, most things can be worked out. I was so sad to read the texts, was I wrong for invading his privacy, yes, but something was nagging at me.

I am not sure how to handle this man if he wants to know why I want to end the relationship.

Re: Finding your mate in a lie, plus other information

Welcome to the forums.

As much as you think you owe this guy an explanation, you don't. Not at all. You don't even have to tell him it is over. And depending on your circumstances, you may be better off keeping quiet. You might need the time to make arrangements so you have a roof over your head, etc., especially if you have moved in with him. There might also be financial ties (e.g. joint accounts, or the fact that you might be financially dependent on him), and there might also be some legal issues in the background (depending on the state you live, if the divorce is finalised, and in the case you have children with your ex, custody issues etc).

So I would suggest to calmly analyse what you need to do to look after yourself, in terms of having your own place, denying him access to your money / making certain he does not clear any joint accounts you might have. Only make your move when you have everything in place, so that you don't have to deal with more lies, or have to depend on him to get back in your own place.

Remember: just because you know he is deceitful, does not mean you have to tell him that you know so. It is rather pointless when nothing can be gained. In all likelihood, if you confronted him now, he would try to turn things around and blame everything on you, or that you somehow misinterpreted everything that was said and written.

May sound cold on my part: but if honesty and openness is too much to ask of him, why do you feel you owe it to him?

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

Re: Finding your mate in a lie, plus other information

Vautrin,
Thank you for your advice, this is how I felt and I have not discussed what I know with him. I am appalled but grateful I know now before we did move in with each other and have financial ties. He has helped me with my divorce, his "friend" whom is a high stakes lawyer is now representing me, so I am walking on pins and needles with breaking up with this man only because of that. My ex husband had been diagnosed with a personality disorder and has made the divorce high conflict. I would of already been divorced but what is mine is his and what is his is his. He has stolen hundreds of thousands of dollars and left me destitute. That is however another story in itself and I am tired of being lied to and don't need the bull, because I want peace, love and some joy for the rest of my life and my child's life.

Re: Finding your mate in a lie, plus other information

Welcome sbr!

I agree with Vautrin in that you don't owe this guy anything and yes just bc you know he is decietful you don't have to tell him so bc yes it would most likely start more of a ruckus.

I would also like to add when snooping (lol) be sure you are prepared to deal with whatever you may find! When you go hunting for something, chances are you just might find it! You are right! You do not need this. Here are your red flag's! See them and run!!! There are plenty more fish in the sea. And with the same breathe i typed that i would also say be picky in your selectioning, they come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, color's! Some are good some are not, the water's are always moving and ever-changing! I'm sure you know this, but the fact of you coming out of a 14 year relationship i want to remind you. So don't settle, keep your eye's open, keep moving forward and don't look back!

Re: Finding your mate in a lie, plus other information

So true, about when hunting.. lol lol I was shocked, and knew this, so I took a photo of his texts, emailed them to myself as a reminder.
This way, when I get down or miss him, I can just reread what he wrote.
I realize now that I do have abuse amnesia, because of what I endured during my 14 year marriage, so I always get something to remind myself.
Your are correct, they do come in all shapes and sizes..

Re: Finding your mate in a lie, plus other information

I concur with Vautrin in that you don't owe this person anything and yes just bc you know he is beguiling you don't need to reveal to him so bc yes it would in all likelihood begin to a greater extent a ruckus.

I understand now that I do have mishandle amnesia, on account of what I persisted amid my 14 year marriage, so I generally motivate something to remind myself.

Re: Finding your mate in a lie, plus other information

Hi Sbr
Welcome to Lifesupporters. Having read what Vautrin and BridgeBridge have written I agree with their comments whole heartedly. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself quietly and thoroughly, especially what you've been through previously.