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Thursday, December 16, 2010

24/7 -- Part I: Your Short Guide to the Cast of Characters

For those of you who didn’t see the the first installment of 24/7, yer ol’ Uncle Peerless provides a summary of the cast…

Liev Schreiber: “The Narrator,” sounds like he’s reading Gray’s Anatomy as if it was a bedtime story.

Bruce Boudreau: “The F’n Coach.” we get the feeling he watched the Adult Channel version of Sesame Street and learned a new word with today’s letter, the letter “F.” And he’s using it in every f’n sentence any number of f’n times.

Dan Bylsma: “The Other Coach,” looks like my accountant (only with spiffier glasses). Seems to have an uncomfortable love affair with a scar on his upper lip. We don’t think that lip would ever have wing sauce on it (unlike the “F’n Coach”).

Sidney Crosby: “The Human Cliché,” not sure which one he’s racking up more, points in games or tired phrases in interviews. On the latter, he is already “Gretzkyesque.” He also sports a creepy moustache. And what, did he get those lips inflated for this series?

Alex Ovechkin: “The Buddy,” makes friend in odd ways, calling a guy “buddy” who just planted him to the ice. Wears that same weird hat Sergei Fedorov used to wear that looks like a cross between “Where’s Waldo” and “The Cap in the Hat.” Supposed to be the best player in the world, but that was before he started shaving again.

Max Talbot: “Fashion Plate,” wears sweaters not even Bill Cosby would have worn on his old TV show. He’s the guy HBO intends to show as a “good guy” you find all over hockey. Wholesome, friendly, and a pain in the ass to play against. Lives in what looks like a warehouse. Serve as foil to Crosby…”Sid’s definitely the worst.” Well, at video games, at least.

Pascal Dupuis: “Mr. Thankful to Have a Job on Sid’s Line.” The family man – four kids, two dogs, a platypus, and Marc-Andre Fleury (ok, we made up the last two). Quick to correct himself when calling Crosby slow…”he’s a special player; he does everything the right way.” We wonder what Dupuis is saying about him in French.

Nicklas Backstrom” “Mr. I’m From Sweden…No, Really… Sweden.” Never saw anyone from that part of the world who looked so cold when he’s standing outdoors in the winter time. Secretly wishes he was playing for the Panthers so he wouldn’t ever have to see ice unless it was at the rink. Looks good in official Winter Classic toque.

Ray Shero: “Mr Excitement,” is a walking, talking sleeping pill. His conversation with Dan Bylsma about bringing up Dustin Jeffrey was like reading the warning label on prolaximaxicontin.

Ted Leonsis: “Father of the Bride of Frankenstein.” What’s with the white trace through his hair? We noted he actually used the term “failure” with respect to last season. And is his office really that dark? It was like watching the Robert Prosky character in “The Natural”…turn out that infernal light!

George McPhee: “Mr. Warmth” gets only a few moments, but one can rest assured that the stick of his life remains firmly planted deeply in his posterior.

Dean Evason: “Mr. Paper or Plastic.” By the end of the hour, one had the feeling he goes to the Safeway just to hear the cashier ask “paper or plastic,” and he responds, “I don’t care, just GRAB A SACK!”

The other stuff

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