5 Ways to Improve Your Dating Life, According to a Matchmaker

Dating services are no longer the social taboo they once were – thanks, in part, to the popularity of Tinder – and rather than be embarrassed by the prospect, users are growing increasingly frustrated by the needle-in-a-haystack reality of mass-market apps.

While matchmaking has well and truly established itself in America, us Brits are still semi-reluctant to reach out to a living, breathing professional to help us find ‘the one’, even with the lure of an average 80 to 90 per cent success rate. However slowly, swiped-out daters are starting to come around to the idea.

Chartered psychologist Rachel MacLynn, founder of exclusive matchmaking service Vida, is a strong believer in creating a plan for your dating life, much like you would for your finances or career. A diagnostic assessment of your romantic life, so to speak. Follow her pointers to give your dating approach an overhaul...

Identify Your Values

Are you searching for a partner based on your interests (for example, same taste in music) or your values? While shared interests will give you plenty to talk about, if you’re after a long-term relationship, your values – the things that are important to you in life – must align, too. “A lot of people don’t really know what their values are,” says MacLynn. “They haven't sat down and thought: what do I stand for in life? Why did I move into my career? What’s my attitude towards money? How important is my health?” Defining and prioritising them is obviously easier said than done, but if you take the time to pinpoint 10 to 15 core values that you feel best represent you, identifying them in your future Mrs will be far easier – and your dating life more successful for it.

Let Go of What You ‘think’ You Want

If you’re searching for a specific type of person ‘on paper’, that might just be the source of misery. “We’re creatures of habit,” says MacLynn. “Someone might say, ‘I’ve just come out of a relationship with a doctor who was academically incredibly bright and spoke at conferences all over the world. I’d like to meet someone like that’. But when you ask what went wrong in the relationship, they wanted someone who wasn’t away from home so much.” Consider whether you’re subconsciously trying to repeat history or recreate a past relationship without knowing it.

Be Pragmatic

We’re still predisposed to believing that a relationship should occur organically, says MacLynn; that ‘the one’ will just arrive in our lives when the time is right, no effort required. Wrong. “It’s highly unlikely to happen through chance in a major city,” she says, “it’s very difficult to pinpoint someone who has shared values with you by accident or through a moment of serendipity.” Going back a generation or two, it was far easier to find someone to settle down with, she says, because the values of the people living in your small village are going to be aligned by default. These days, our social circles are much larger.

Don’t Stress over Specifics

Keep an open mind. “Say two people place a lot of emphasis around their values on health and physical wellbeing,” says MacLynn. “For one person, health and wellbeing might be meditation and yoga, whereas someone else might compete in triathlons. Even though those interests are very different, the underlying value is the same.”

Look to the Past

Brown eyes? Short? Dry sense of humour? Whatever your preference, your subconscious wish-list was carved out in childhood and has been continuously moulded ever since, says MacLynn. It’s based on all sorts of things: the celebrity pinups on your bedroom wall, the ‘popular’ kids at school, your parents’ expectations, your first relationship. “Say your first girlfriend was extremely good looking – the girl at school everyone chased after,” she says. “That might set the bar very high. If she was incredibly funny, that could set you down a path of future girlfriends having to be a particular type of person.” If you’ve experienced a toxic relationship, it might swing the dial in the opposite direction where you wind up searching for the polar opposite. Being aware of your ‘type’ will help you make sense of where things went wrong in the past and adjust your expectations going forward.

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