Sunday, February 19, 2006

Lottery Madness (Part Deux)

Hi all,

Now, Cmbtvet mentioned that the odds of winning the lottery are roughly the same as getting hit by lightning, and I'm inclined to agree. But, those odds can be improved with a little common sense. First, golfing in a thunderstorm would increase the chances of a lightning strike, thereby increasing the chances of winning the lottery. Essentially, what you want to do to win the lottery is to turn yourself into the best lightning rod you can and embrace the universal aphorism that "What doesn't kill us can only make us richer." Then, once you're richer, join a gym, lift some weights and get stronger.

Unfortunately, I lacked the electrical conductivity to win the lottery this time around. It was simply too cold outside to stand on the golf course and wave a club in the air during our last episode of "thunder snow." However, I did stick paper clips in the electrical outlets around the house to get just enough of an electrical "tickle" to win a few bucks at least.

Now, since I'm dispensing valuable advice, I'd like to tell you all how to survive a shark attack should any of you find yourselves in such a dire predicament.

First, one major rule of scuba-diving is to ALWAYS use the buddy system, and make a habit of knowing where that buddy is at all times. This is important. If you're going to survive a shark attack, you need at least one buddy with you.

Now, when you see a threatening shark coming toward you, pull out your knife and give your buddy a poke, and swim like crazy in the opposite direction. After all, there is a damn good reason why the terms "buddy" and "chum" are interchangeable. So, when diving, just remember to always use the chum system. But I digress...

The lottery? Yeah. Some lucky lightning rod had the only winning ticket. And, I'm certain he's probably sitting at home right now fielding phone calls from ex-girlfriends who have suddenly realized they made a "mistake." I don't envy the poor bastard.

Well... That's my rambling for now. Thanks to Cmbtvet for the comments, and thanks for getting my brain rolling in a pretty odd direction. Tomorrow, I will discuss my long, sordid love affair with the anodized aluminum stock pot.

About Me

I'm a pretty boring guy for a screaming-mad lunatic. And, when I am not chasing squirrels around the yard demanding that they stop speaking Swedish, I can usually be found pecking away at a keyboard trying to write a book (or two).
All-in-all, it's a pretty fun life --if not at least a little challenging.