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Jeremy Piven recently got himself into a jam when he bailed out on “greatest America play write” David Mamet’s new Broadway show. According to Piven he had mercury poisoning. Piven explains that he has eaten sushi at least twice a day for many years, and the stuff finally caught up with him. In his own words he ‘got spatially disoriented, light sensitive, and had trouble remembering things”, If that’s the case then I’ve had mercury poisoning regularly, every Saturday morning for years.

David Mamet wasn’t buying it. Especially since the grape vine was reporting that Piven was out in the night clubs, living it up and having a grand time on the weekend he bailed. So you see the grounds for Mamet’s suspicions – Piven prodigious alcohol consumption should’ve flushed any toxins clean out of his system. Plus Piven was over heard telling people that he found Broadway boring, and wanted an excuse to bail (he didn’t mean it – that was the mercury talking!!).

Well Mamet took it about like you’d expect him to take it. He made a sardonic remark about Piven leaving show business for a career as a thermometer (now do you suppose that would be anal or oral??). Mamet had good reason to be peeved with Piven too – after the news broke that Piven was out tickets sales plummeted and ticket holders showed up demanding refunds. That left Mamet to shake his fist and make threatening noises.

Now when some one like Mamet makes threatening noises it could mean the end of your career as an entertainer. Perhaps that’s why Piven, in an attempt to avoid returning to waiting tables as a livelihood, went on TV with Diane Sawyer. While Sawyer points out that millions of people eat sushi regularly, and the safe limits for heavy metal poisoning usually have wide safety margins built in, Piven insists that his counts were beyond the high normal range (I’m sure that Pivey is high normal in everything he does), and his doctor claims he was so off the chart hat there was no reference for his case. If you knew sushi like I knew sushi, eh? Here’s a clip:

I like the way he calls Mamet one of America’s greatest play writes when he wants to avoid a question. Rhetoricians would call that a non sequitur. Well he’s right to be nervous. If Mamet has an ax to grind, then that could be a career ender. Mamet is a big deal too. His name is on computer spell check – but Piven’s isn’t. I guess that Piven should’ve thought a bit about his career before he went all Lohan. It would’ve saved everyone having to listen to his tedious and desperate explanations for one thing. Still it’s possible that his explanation could be true. There was same talk about him also being on Chinese herbal remedies. Those things are unregulated and often plugged full of lead and mercury! Still if his Saturday morning mercury poisoning is any thing like mine have been, then he might also want to invest in a home pregnancy test too! That kind of mercury poisoning can have extreme side effects!!

PS It must be especially irksome to Mamet that the public and media seem to have lost track of the name of his play during this Piven related brouhaha. Now that ain’t gonna help Piven’s cause any.