Thursday, April 1, 2010

Happy April!

It may as well be the greatest month in all of sports. So to kick it off, I planned to write the usual silly, unbelievable, far-fetched, outlandish, fake Royals story that many bloggers write on this day of foolery.

But then I thought, what if it actually happened? What if I reported this fake, ridiculously stupid story, and the Royals actually did it? So I compiled a list of possible April fools stories and I just couldn't be comfortable with writing these fake stories when in the back of my mind, I thought that they actually may come true some day. (I included some "quotes" from Dayton Moore as well)

-Royals trade Billy Butler for Juan Pierre. "We really like where Juanny is headed in his career. We thought with the speed aspect of our ballclub, he really fits in here. We'll probably have him bat third to start the season. Since our outfield is already full of major league quality winners, we're going to see how he fares in the DH role and put Josey back out in right field and see where this goes. We are incredibly lucky to have him in Kansas City and the fans should feel that way too."

-Royals trade Zack Greinke for Alfonso Soriano and Kevin Gregg. "Alfie and Greggie will absolutely make us better. Both defensively and increase our grit factor. Plus, I really think that those glasses that Greggie wears are super badass. We'll probably start Soriano at shortstop and option Mike Aviles to the Japanese league to make room for them on the roster."

-Royals fire Trey Hillman, re-hire Tony Muser. "Trey came into my office yesterday and slammed a book called "Baseball Probetus" or something like that on my desk and asked me if I had ever read it. Of course I think the math is the devil and immediately the scar on my forehead began to burn as the book stared me down like some evil scroll full of fuzzy math. I then decided that Trey should be let go, and I hired a true grit warrior who had success with gritty players like Jeff King, Roberto Hernandez, Jeff Austin and Joe Vitiello in the past with this organization. For me, it was a no brainer. That and I prefer managers with mustaches."

-Dayton Moore destroys all video equipment in the clubhouse. "We thought from an organizational standpoint, that technology and new age statistics are evil. We needed to cleanse ourselves of the evil that is sabermythics and begin using the best stats like runs created and runs scored. We also have hired more scouts to replace this silly video system. We have branded them 'scout specialists' and if you want to meet with them, just look for the 'SS' emblem on their collar. We in the front office could never wrap our heads around these so-called advanced statistics. If there was a stat that told me how many wins a player would be worth, then I would have invented it by now."