Trump Proposes Again

Tuesday, President Trump and Republican Senate Majority Leader, Bitch McConnell offered a compromise to Democrats to end the five-week-old government “partial” shutdown. It is referred to as a partial shutdown because employees at the White House, Air Force 1 & 2, Marine 1, the Congressional Country Club, the Secret Service and at Walter Reed National Medical Center have never been furloughed. Government contract workers have always been “SOL” and do not get back pay once the government is reopened.

According to sources, the proposal includes funding for ALL government services WITHOUT any direct funding for the border wall, beginning at 7:00 PM EDT on January 29th, 2019 and ending at 8:30 PM on the same date. The timing of the restored government funding and the cessation just happens to coincide with the previously scheduled timing of the annual State of the Union message by the President. During that hour-and-a-half, the Treasury will issue paychecks for the 800,000 furloughed federal employees, excluding any back pay to employees of the Department of Justice. Apparently, only so many checks can be ‘cut” in ninety minutes. The proposal includes provisions to extend government funding past 8:30 PM should the budget bill include at least $5,000,000,000 for construction a new 1,200-mile border moat to be stocked with Orcinus orca (Killer whales), Carcharodon carcharias (Great White sharks), piranhas, alligators, and filled with Flint Michigan tap water. Trump reportedly considered a GO-FUND-ME plan to raise $5 billion for a wall or a moat, but was irritated when he discovered some triple amputee veteran had already done it and raised over $20 million dollars in just a few weeks PLUS he gets to hold the funds for ninety days before refunding the proceeds if the goal of $20 billion is not reached. Rumor has it Trump told Ivanka, “Even if the cripple misses his goal, he’ll easily make over a $100K from the interest on OPM (other people’s money) before returning the donations. Let’s find a place for this guy. I like his style.”

U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen told this reporter, “This innovative solution offered by the President addresses Fung Shui concerns of Democrats over an unsightly concrete or steel wall, while also addressing the animal rights and conservation organizations eternal whining about whaling and sport fishing for great white sharks. How this bicameral offer to extend a helping hand could be rejected is beyond me and would be a further indication Democrats are simply obstructionists and have no concern for everyday working people. I fully expect the 10% of TSA workers with SARRI (Sudden Adult Respiratory and Resentment Illness) to get well quickly!”

A high-ranking White House staffer anonymously told this reporter, “We repeatedly told the President he could not cut off funding to the Special Independent Counsel’s investigation without serious blowback and possibly promoting the impeachment narrative nationally. Then the budget impasse presented itself and in consultation with RT and Sean Hannity, we discovered an extraordinary opportunity to impede Mueller and other federal investigators using national security concerns over border security as the premise for vetoing any budget deal not including funding for the construction of a moat. Kinda like killing two boo-birds with one shot, with minimal adverse consequences. The President is monolithic in his resolve to give the nationally televised State of the Union message as scheduled. He has told his inner circle, “I raised $89,000.00 in just eight-plus minutes during my January 8th nationally televised bullshit snookering of the networks and major cable outlets. No, we fell short of our $500,000.00 goal, even after extending the deadline BUT that still comes out to raising $11,000.00/minute. My SOTU speech will easily be sixty minutes long and will be covered by every electronic news outlet. Eleven grand times sixty minutes equals $660,000.00 for my 2020 campaign! That makes up for the shortfall from the January 8th speech and that’s a conservative estimate – Mnuchin tells me it could be a huge winner and it won’t cost me a penny. Not Nancy, not Chuck… not even Pocahontas can do that, but I can. Vladimir can’t even do that!”

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi had the identically brief comment comprised entirely of acronyms given by Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer when asked for a response to the so-called legislative olive branch; “NFW*, WTF*, and DILLIGAF*!”

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