rape survivor/thriver + sexual assault advocate, just trying to do the right thing

2/3/17 resolution (a little late, I know)

I’m used to being a workaholic. I worked full time most of my years in college, and while I was constantly sick, run-down, and miserable, at least I had a clear-cut purpose. But recently, I’ve been trying to take care of myself for once. I’m going to the chiropractor, actually scheduling appointments with specialists for my many weird chronic health problems I can’t seem to solve, and even getting a massage once a month. I also got engaged, which is definitely hyped up throughout your entire life as the-event-that-changes-everything (not that my fiancé isn’t absolutely amazing and life-changing, because he is, but we’ll save that for another post). I should feel amazing.

Instead, there’s this sense that I’m not accomplishing enough. I’ve somehow built up the expectation for myself that if I’m not absolutely killing myself working constantly and being hyper-productive, my life is being totally wasted. Maybe some of you can relate. Maybe you can’t relate, in which case, I’m jealous. I’ve always found it so difficult to open myself up to the whole light and happiness thing and just accept some self love (or even love from other people).

This has gotten me thinking a lot recently. I might not be able to fix my internal expectations for myself, or the harsh way I talk to myself, but I can try. From now on, I’m going to make a commitment to being gentle with myself. I’ve tried writing out ideas for this a million times, but it always ends up sounding like some cliché Pinterest-worthy quote that isn’t really actionable. “Love yourself endlessly.” Sure, once I figure out how that works, I’ll get right on it.

Instead, I’ve decided that every morning when I wake up (and probably every night before I go to sleep), I’m going to make a point of telling myself: “what you are doing is enough”. I won’t try to assign value to all the different things I’ve done, or constantly wonder what I could’ve done better, but instead I am going to tell myself that I am enough. This might be a totally weak move, but it’s where I’m starting out at, so I’ll be sure to let all of you know how it goes.

PS – if you’re strong on the whole self-care thing, please feel free to pass on some tips. I would greatly appreciate them and I’m sure anyone reading would too 🙂