Why Men like Christian Grey Don’t Exist

Men who read Fifty Shades of Grey would know that this is true and would profusely laugh at women for worshipping the fantasy of this siren of a man.

But men don’t read this particular series, or do they?

Here is what happens, for the folks at home who have never read the books or watched the movie:

A young and innocent woman, Anastasia, falls for a rich and powerful man sporting broad shoulders and narrow hips with a voice that is described often as melted dark chocolate caramel fudge. He soon reveals to be into kinky sex and from there the story goes on with the frightened yet intrigued protagonist who will totally fall for his dark nature – come on we knew this would happen right from the start.

Here is what the male species who HAVE read the books say about the coveted character Christian Grey:

Inner Goddess Is Not Charming

Men would laugh at the phrase Inner Goddess if a lady was using it in the most serious way. Ana keeps referring to her inner Goddess, 57 times to be exact, like “My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom poms.”

Honey, no!

“We Are Not As Proactive As This Grey Guy” – Said Every Guy Ever

Sure the common perception is that men like to dominate. But there is nothing about wanting to smother girlfriends, stalking them to learn about their schedule, breaking into their apartments just to get to know about them. Men are way too lazy to categorize your wardrobe, and then print stacks of contracts just to sleep with you. Dictating things like this is not only disrespectful, but also time consuming and boring.

The Constant Emails

If constant back and forth emails were our thing, we would have checked that car payment due date email a long time ago. This is also the reason men in real life suck at deadlines. Men have jobs and stuff to do like taking naps and watching the game; you cannot expect them to keep up with your email threads that are updated every 2 minutes.

Holding Hands When You Don’t Know Someone

Men don’t like holding hands on the first date when they haven’t really known a person. In fact, women probably don’t either. It is kind of creepy, and feels more like coming off too strong towards a total stranger. In the book, Grey holds Ana’s hand and mentions how he likes to do that.

Not Every Guy Has a Dark and Violent Secret

The reasoning behind a man’s emotional elusiveness is discussed in the book with the example of Grey’s dark past. He was sexually abused as a teenager, and therefore, has a hard time opening up to women.

Now for the women who croon at the “poor baby” of a man who shuts off all emotions when he is with you, he is probably just another jerk and had a pretty stable childhood. Guys are just not as good at expressing emotions the way women are. We could be elated just as much as you; and our “inner goddess” would still not want to touch the cheerleading pom poms.