“Until last night, I didn’t understand the term ‘shiz storm.’ I was looking down on myself from the sky, watching all of my internal organs liquefy and spray out like someone jumped on a balloon full of Nutella. After 4 straight hours of pooping, I passed out on the bathroom floor for 2 hours only to be awoken by my dog licking me to see if I was dead.”

“According to him, having a child is ‘really not that hard’. We tried to persuade him to look at other options, but he immediately shuts down any talk of the situation. So, instead, I have decided to teach him that kids are more difficult than he thinks.”