Category Archives: Holidays

I’m thankful the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants trilogy was put to rest after number two since the idea of a pair of jeans that fit both America Ferrera and that little Gilmore girl was just plain stupid to begin with.

I’m thankful for the phrase, “road hard and put away wet”. For many reasons.

I’m thankful for the people who feed the impoverished and homeless at Thanksgiving, allowing the rest of us to hideaway in our cozy homes and completely ignore the tragic issue at hand.

I’m thankful it will no longer be considered ‘weird’ or ‘creepy’ to masturbate during the State of the Union Address.

I’m thankful for YouTube. Specifically, watch?v=fUSvXzYnQZM which makes me piss myself laughing, even under the worst of circumstances. Did you ever drink Bailey’s from a shoe?

I’m thankful for the worst of circumstances.

I’m thankful Dancing With the Stars allowed Brooke Burke to realize her full potential and hope it can do the same for Sarah Palin next season.

I’m thankful for this shitty, shitty economy because now it’s almost cool to be poor.

I’m thankful for Asian people, but really only the Japanese because I love sushi.

I’m thankful for my brothers and sisters, but really only the ones that still talk to me.

I’m thankful for Chelsea Handler and her dirty little hot-pocket for paving the way for foul-mouthed blonds with bad drinking habits across the globe.

I’m thankful Christian Audigier’s daughter turned 16 so she can start fucking all the douchebags who wear her dad’s clothes and simultaneously take some of the heat off those of us who who think guys who wear Ed Hardy are hideous.

I’m thankful for hemrhoid cream… For the sake of those men who wear Ed Hardy.

I’m thankful for meatless corndogs.

I’m thankful for the 30 minutes of complete escape Wheel of Fortune provides me on a nightly basis. For example: “I’d like to solve the puzzle… John Hamm Sandwich!”

I’m thankful gas prices have gone down, but disappointed my roommate has become more gaseous.

I’m thankful that I’m almost 30 and won’t have to give anymore blowjobs. That’s the rule, right?

I’m thankful our forefathers were able to cover up the rape, pillage and murders they committed with a national holiday dedicated to overeating and watching football.

I’m thankful for my readers…both of you. Feel free to let me know what you are thankful for this Thanksgiving.

“Cheaper than therapy…”

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Who am I...? Shit. Wow...Okay...I’m a USC graduate, originally from Michigan which is “somewhere in the middle”. I’m now living the “dream” in Los Angeles as a Screenwriter. I write comedy. My therapist says I arm myself with a wicked sense of humor for the sole purpose of avoiding true human connection… I think I just like to make people laugh. I pretend to read the New York Times, but I’m really only reading the captions which do a great job of summarizing the bullshit. I like to have to have my cake and eat it too. I'm not a morning person, but it's my favorite time of day. I don’t have pets because I am still concentrating on being able to feed, bathe and exercise myself. When I accomplish that, I’ll think about getting a dog. I love my family and enjoy rainy days and I had to look up the correct spelling of “exercise” while writing this bio. It’s nice to meet all of you…