So with the 25th anniversary of Power Rangers on our doorstep, our good friends over at Bandai of America decided to give that ol’ nostalgia towel one last ring to harvest every bit of Mighty Morphin’ shit that they could before slitting their own throats in the name of the Hasbro gods.

And as everybody knows, people just can’t stop buying shit from Mighty Morphin’. Hell, forget the other 800-some episodes of the show that’s been on for 25 years straight. Give me more of the same shit over and over until I vomit.

This is the Legacy Collection Sabertooth Tiger Zord, the first in a line of individually-released Zords from Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. Even though they already released a combining Legacy Megazord. Twice. These ones don’t combine, though. They’re meant to be action figures. So I guess the idea is take the thing that’s fun because it combines and make it not fun anymore.

I guess they decided to get Yellow out there first because she’s easily the most popular and recognizable of all the Rangers. Supposedly the Tyrannosaurus Zord is out, too, but I haven’t seen it. And let’s be real, it’s probably not all that great.

Also, this thing retails for twenty-five dollars. I want you to keep that in mind going forward.

PACKAGING

So this is the new Legacy Collection packaging? Sure. It’s bland and white and snoooooore. The lightning bolt cuts right through your view of the toy. That’s okay, though, because it’s not much to look at anyway. At least the logo’s shiny. The box also boasts that the toy is for ages 4+. It should be 4-, because if you’re over the age of 4 and buying this thing, you better hate yourself as much as I do.

The back of the box shows off the toy’s “RANGER COCKPIT” and “ARTICULATED FEATURES,” which to me – given that we now know Hasbro will be taking over as the master licensee for Power Rangers in 2019 – sounds like a last desperate attempt to save one’s life before being hauled off to the gallows. The funny thing is, one of the “articulated features” is just a picture of Yellow in the cockpit… again. I guess the cover for the cockpit is technically a point of articulation. It swings open.

Trini’s been on the sauce again.

You can also catch a glimpse of the other highly-anticipated Legacy items, such as helmets that don’t fit on your head, or re-releases of the shitty Auto-Morphin’ figures from 1993, or… Ninja Steel. You know, the current season. Screams “legacy” to me. Can somebody get Bandai a fucking dictionary?

SCULPT AND PAINT

It looks like the Sabertooth Tiger, alright. Your favorite Zord from MMPR. Remember that time where it jumped over a mountain? I think it shot something out of its tail once? Yeah, that was pretty cool.

There’s not much in the way of paint on this thing, and what little detail is there is mostly due to stickers. At least you don’t have to put them on yourself, that’s awfully generous.

Essentially it is a piece of hollow yellow plastic.

For some unknown reason, they included this little Yellow Ranger figure that you can put inside the cockpit. It’s stupid and barely painted. Throw it away. Burn it. Inhale the fumes. [Editor’s note: Please don’t inhale the fumes. That’s bad. What’s crazier is that I don’t even have an editor. This is just me talking in brackets.]

ARTICULATION

The Tiger’s front legs are on a ball joint and swivel at the “elbows.” Do tigers have elbows? Who gives a shit? The back legs can swivel backwards. All of the feet are on these very limited ball joints that you can’t do a whole lot with. Its neck and jaw can move up and down. You can swing its ass (waist?) from side to side too, which is utterly useless. Up and down would have been better so that you can at least make it sit like a kitty cat. Also, some of the joints are super loose and don’t hold a pose.

The dinky little Yellow Ranger can kick its legs and the arms swivel. It also has elbow joints. It shouldn’t exist to begin with. The budget for this little nuisance should have been spent on painting the Sabertooth Tiger and giving it better articulation and making it worth twenty-five dollars.

But it can dance.

COMPARISON

Here it is next to the Legacy Megazord’s Sabertooth Tiger, released like five years ago.

Maybe that one isn’t as well-articulated, but I think it actually looks better. Also, it actually serves its purpose of being the Megazord’s leg. This new one only serves to disappoint you more than you disappointed your father by buying it.

PLAYABILITY

You can put the Yellow Ranger in and out of the cockpit over and over, which is literally seconds of fun. The Tiger’s mouth moves, so you can probably get it to bite some pretty fun stuff. Maybe take some hilarious pictures to share on Instagram or MySpace.

In terms of kids playing with it, though, get the Imaginext version instead. It’s cuter and cheaper and probably warming a shelf somewhere in your local Wal-Mart.

ACCESSORIES

Does the Yellow Ranger count? It shouldn’t.

This whole package would make a great accessory to a crime. Like the death of your soul at the hands of yourself.

FINAL VERDICT

This is it, pals. This is Bandai of America’s swan song. A Sabertooth Tiger with no butthole.

Could have at least added a butthole.

I can’t stress this enough – this thing is TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS. I bought it with the expectation that it would be fun to shit on it and make a blog review about. It’s not. It’s fun in the same way that I thought seeing the Fantastic Four reboot would be fun. I expected something so-bad-it’s-good, but in the end it was just terrible and boring.

If you do decide to subject yourself to this godless monstrosity, write a better review than this and promptly throw the toy straight into the garbage can. Bonus points if it’s a trash compactor.

Good luck, Hasbro. And good luck to you, Bandai of America. I hope the Ben 10 reboot* and fuckin’ Zak Storm (what the hell is a Zak Storm?) are lucrative endeavors.

*EDIT: Apparently they’re not even making the new Ben 10 toys, Playmates is. That’s even sadder. Ah well, they still have Dragonball.

Onward, to mediocrity!

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]]>https://gordobaggins.com/2018/02/22/review-the-death-of-bandai-of-america/feed/1IMAG0117gordobagginswpKittycatIMAG0158Sit, booboo, sitIMAG0139Assume the positionIMAG0145Writing Advice, Courtesy of The Worst Movie Everhttps://gordobaggins.com/2018/02/14/writing-advice-courtesy-of-the-worst-movie-ever/
https://gordobaggins.com/2018/02/14/writing-advice-courtesy-of-the-worst-movie-ever/#respondWed, 14 Feb 2018 16:58:27 +0000http://gordobaggins.com/?p=588Film students all across the world could tell you all about The Room, a film considered by most to be “the best worst movie ever made.” It has to be seen to be believed.It tells the story of a well-off man named Johnny whose world slowly begins to fall apart when his girlfriend Lisa starts cheating on him under his nose with his best friend, Mark. Itis written, directed, produced by, and starring Tommy Wiseau, a man who clearly had endless ambition and a vision he wanted to realize. Regrettably, he did not have the storytelling skill, acting experience, or… really, anything to back it up. Almost every single thing that could go wrong with a movie is done terribly in The Room. It’s nonsensical and hilarious.

Lucky for you, there’s a lot you can learn about writing from something as terrible as The Room. Any aspiring writer of stories or screenplays would be wise to give the film a watch, just to see what happens when almost everything is done wrong. If you don’t have the time for that, no worries. I’ve got your back. (There’s also tons of clips on YouTube if you need more context. Or if curiosity has gotten the better of you.)

Every Setup Needs a Payoff

Early on, there’s a scene in which Lisa’s mother, Claudette, is talking with her daughter about the value of her house for no apparent reason. Then, in the middle of the conversation, Claudette confesses to her that she… “definitely has breast cancer.”

Ignoring the fact that this emotionally charged line is delivered in a blasé, matter-of-fact tone, the seemingly important plot thread of Claudette’s diagnosis is never brought up again. In the context of the story, it’s entirely useless drama, as it has no affect on Lisa’s actions or her later conversations with her mother.

If you’re going to make a promise in your story, you’re expected to keep it. Especially if your character’s mom has breast cancer. In my humble opinion, that’s kind of important and should probably be followed up on.

Read Your Dialogue Out Loud

After one of Johnny and Lisa’s many quotable arguments about their crumbling relationship, the following exchange occurs.

Johnny: Do you understand life? Do you?

Lisa: Don’t worry about it. Everything will be alright.

Johnny: You drive me crazy!

Lisa: Goodnight, Johnny.

Johnny: Don’t worry about it. I still love you. Goodnight, Lisa.

Are your characters really having a conversation? Or are they just stating their emotions or goals plainly to make them clear to the audience? Maybe one of your central characters is serving as an “exposition paddle” for your protagonist to bounce information off of.

Say your character’s lines to yourself while you’re editing them, even if they’re not intended to be filmed. Even better, get a friend to read them with you, like picking roles in a play. You may be surprised how robotic, out-of-character, or nonsensical the people in your story come off.

Kill Your Darlings… Even If There’s a Cute Dog Involved

On his way home after work, Johnny decides to pick up a bouquet of flowers for Lisa because he’s a super nice guy. This is conveyed through a sixteen-second sequence in which Johnny pulls up to a flower shop, enters, asks the shopkeeper for a dozen red roses, receives the roses, pays for them, greets and pets a pug sitting on the counter, and leaves.

Here’s the thing: it’s meaningless. Nothing important is revealed other than the fact that Johnny got some flowers for his girlfriend, which is made clear in the next scene when he actually brings them home to her.

Sometimes, that scene you really like or you felt was really clever may be needlessly bringing your story down. Think deeply about what that scene accomplishes or reveals in terms of character or plotting, or scrap it all together.

Finish What You Started

Tommy Wiseau made a movie out of pure passion. He’s a man who clearly has a love for movies and wants to emulate his favorite filmmakers. He poured his heart and soul into The Room and, unlike many creative types, actually finished something.

It just so happens to be completely awful. And that’s perfectly fine. Not everything you write is going to be great. You have to give yourself permission to be bad sometimes. Tommy did, even if he didn’t know it, and his movie has sold-out midnight screenings at arthouse theaters across the country.

If you start a writing project that you’re passionate about, then finish it. Don’t worry about how good or bad your rough draft is. Odds are, it’s better than The Room. And if that can get finished, imagine what you could do if you worked even half as hard as he did.

Originally published on my University’s literary journal blog. But nobody reads that shit and it wasn’t properly formatted. Linking videos is really hard, you guys.

]]>https://gordobaggins.com/2018/02/14/writing-advice-courtesy-of-the-worst-movie-ever/feed/0Chris_R_gordobagginswpThe Mustard Ranger is My Favorite Power Rangerhttps://gordobaggins.com/2018/01/19/the-mustard-ranger-is-my-favorite-power-ranger/
https://gordobaggins.com/2018/01/19/the-mustard-ranger-is-my-favorite-power-ranger/#respondFri, 19 Jan 2018 03:35:51 +0000http://gordobaggins.com/?p=577I’m so excited to finally own the Gold Mustard Ranger, the iconic character from Power Rangers Zeo and the strongest Ranger to ever fucking exist.

What tape?

Sporting a complementary black and pukey yellow color scheme, the Mustard Ranger is the Holy Grail of my collection. He wields his Dijon Power Staff, a magnificent weapon of style and grace. With it, he sprays monsters with a thick coat of zesty, sour mustard that drops them to their knees and bangs their mothers.

There have been multiple toy iterations of the Mustard Ranger in the past. Most of them were completely inaccurate and full of shit. Past incarnations had this disgusting metallic gold paint instead of his more screen-accurate Werther’s Original caramel chest armor. This time, for the collector-centric Legacy figure line, Bandai finally decided not to fuck it up, and boy did they deliver.

This figure comes hot off the heels of the Mighty Morphin’ Legacy figures from last year. Those were the source of some controversy within the fandom, due to the fact that three of the six core Rangers had silver belts instead of their more screen-accurate white belts.

But Bandai’s smart. They’ve been making plastic shit that looks like the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers for a quarter of a century. They knew that the fandom has “MMPR Fatigue” and that they wanted to see something different. So they mixed up the formula a bit. Also, silver is cooler than white anyway.

My one regret is that only three of the Rangers have silver belts instead of all of them. I would much prefer the entire team to have a completely inaccurate and totally avoidable fuck up design change than just half of them. But if we are not open to change, then how can we progress as a society? We must take baby steps in order to usher in a new age of peace and prosperity.

That is why the Mustard Ranger is a welcome addition to any Power Rangers fan’s collection. It’s nice to finally see Bandai taking strides in the right direction, delivering shitty fucking ass high-quality Legacy items to collectors who expect nothing more than absolute garbage the best.

]]>https://gordobaggins.com/2018/01/19/the-mustard-ranger-is-my-favorite-power-ranger/feed/0IMAG0090gordobagginswpIMAG0085IMAG0093IMAG0102IMAG0095What The Shit Is Going On Anymore?https://gordobaggins.com/2017/07/26/positivistic/
https://gordobaggins.com/2017/07/26/positivistic/#respondWed, 26 Jul 2017 00:19:04 +0000http://gordobaggins.com/?p=561Remember back in the good ol’ days of 2016 when the shitty Ghostbusters reboot was the most politically divisive topic of the election year thanks to a bunch of marketing executives trying too hard? Remember when we thought that was rock bottom and it couldn’t possibly get any stupider?

Welcome to 2017, motherfuckers.

Here’s what “Seth Rogen-type” and star of The Emoji Movie T.J. Miller had to say about the film, which comes out this weekend, during an interview with The Huffington Post.

So this was an opportunity to do something optimistic, positivistic and you know, we have very few weapons in the current administration, and one of them is to target a younger demographic and try and help them understand and adopt progressive values.

What? We’re talking about targeting kids and actually pushing an agenda on them now? Nothing weird about that.

So the movie has a lot to say to women, and how they have limitless potential, and one of the characters literally breaks through a glass ceiling.

DON’T WORRY EVERYBODY. The movie about stupid talking hieroglyphs is our savior. It is the ultimate beacon of progressive ideals and “positivism,” whatever that is. Surely this is the weapon that will destroy the Trump administration. A proposed propaganda film featuring an actual piece of shit voiced by Sir Patrick Stewart.

Fuck off.

Fig 1.1: Actual image of T.J. Miller choking on his own bullshit

(I’m not linking to the Huffington Post article. Find it yourself or find something better to do with your life. Don’t be like me.)

]]>https://gordobaggins.com/2017/07/26/positivistic/feed/0POSITIVISMgordobagginswp9dbe45da13d2e6dfd0d4d8c72c7d3a03--drivers-license-funny-peopleIs It Still OK If I Delete Uber or Are We Doing Something Else Now?https://gordobaggins.com/2017/01/31/delete-uber/
https://gordobaggins.com/2017/01/31/delete-uber/#respondTue, 31 Jan 2017 22:10:59 +0000http://gordobaggins.com/?p=538Look, I know there’s a lot going on right now and the world is on fire, but I need clarification on this. Is it still okay for me to delete Uber? Like, is this a thing people are still doing, or was it just over the weekend?

I ask these questions because I feel like my immovable political ideologies are being diminished by a company. As everybody knows, the main goal of any business is not to supply a product or a service and provide jobs for people who just want to be able to pay rent and put food on the table. Businesses should, above all else, stop what they were intended to do when it coincidentally conflicts with moral or social causes that I hold close to my heart.

A lot of people are saying I should download Lyft instead. Should I do that? Sorry, I’m so far behind. It’s just so hard to keep up with everything.

I wasn’t paying attention to what Uber did over the weekend. Actually, I almost never use Uber at all. But now that I’ve finally noticed the hashtag was trending on Twitter, I feel the need to make a difference. I think Uber should have, much like the New York taxi union, protested people being stranded at an airport with no way home by leaving people stranded at an airport with no way home. I’m just not sure if it’s worth it since, well, it’s not trending anymore. If somebody tweets #DeleteUber and nobody’s around to hear it, does it still make an impact? Do people care? Is my voice accepted?

Please. I’m so lonely. I just want to be a part of something.

]]>https://gordobaggins.com/2017/01/31/delete-uber/feed/0uber-logogordobagginswpBurying 2016: That Gorillahttps://gordobaggins.com/2016/12/23/burying-2016-that-gorilla/
https://gordobaggins.com/2016/12/23/burying-2016-that-gorilla/#respondFri, 23 Dec 2016 04:13:50 +0000http://gordobaggins.com/?p=527I’ve made a New Year’s resolution, folks. For every Harambe joke I hear in 2017, I’m going to kill five gorillas in five different zoos.

I realize this may seem like a radical approach, but it’s really the only option. You people have beaten this joke so far into the ground it’s probably deeper than… well, Harambe. Was he buried? Cremated? I don’t care. You know why? Because he’s an asshole who decided to drag a child around the same way Linus drags his blanket. Just because he’s an animal doesn’t excuse his behavior. When a 4-year-old crawls into an animal enclosure and the gorilla picks him up like a gentleman and returns him to safety, give me a call. Maybe I’ll go “dicks out” for that hero.

So now, every time I hear that name from one of you meme-spouting morons – you know who you are – I will throw a stone at the skull of five more gorillas. You’re free to make each and every one of them the new Internet sensation until you can’t feel your fingers from all of the shitposting. I hope you think you’re clever photoshopping each of their faces next to various celebrities who died in 2017, like Danny Glover, Sally Field, and Brendan Fraser, probably.

Did you see that interview? Jiminy Christmas, he looks like he’s going to die from a lack of self-worth.

Everybody got their panties in a twist when it was revealed that somewhere between 11,000 and 15,000 people voted for Harambe in the 2016 presidential election. One small problem, though: that didn’t happen. Nobody’s keeping track of write-in votes like that, especially not those cast for a dead gorilla, and especially not less than 24 hours after election day. But you’re a gullible choad, so you believed it anyway.

You know why you find Harambe memes funny? Because he’s a gorilla with a funny foreign-sounding name. Casual racism in 2016? Noooo way.

The first Power Rangers teaser debuted on Saturday at New York Comic Con, but not before some wonderful idiot posted it early that morning on the film’s Facebook page. Whoops. You know I was all over that shit though. I woke up at just the right moment and fumbled to find a working link before they all got wiped off of the Internet and I had to go to work.

But goddamn, it was worth it.

When the movie was announced over a year ago, I was incredibly skeptical. I wouldn’t consider Mighty Morphin up there with my favorite iterations of the show. Let’s be real: it was an incredibly shallow toy commercial and to be (Jason David) frank, the amount of MMPR nostalgia and merchandise has been a little bit exhausting lately.

To its credit, the cast and crew had no idea what they were doing. Combining Japanese footage with their own original American stuff was a huge undertaking, and there wasn’t anything like it at the time. When the show got incredibly popular, the production schedule got kicked into high gear. They got better at it over time, and there’s been some changes to the production since 1993, but thecore of the show has persevered over the last 23 years. That has never changed.

And with this teaser, I think it’s safe to say that the core is still in tact with this film. And that makes me more pumped than anything else I’ve seen so far – and I’ve loved every bit of it, let me tell you.

I’m sure this sounds crazy to some people. The movie looks so different and so much more mature than that campy show about goody-two-shoes twenty-something teenagers with spandex suits!

Well, sure. Many would argue that’s what Mighty Morphin was about, and they’re not exactly wrong. In fact, I’m pretty sure the show went out of its way to set up the characters, the tone, and the “moral of the day” structure to create something tailor-made for PSA fodder. How can an adaptation where Jason wears an ankle bracelet be true to such squeaky-clean source material?

Maybe he got caught with MORPHine.

Because at the core of Power Rangersis something that I’m not even sure the people who made the show realized, at least in the early days. It’s not about what costumes they wear. It’s not about what the Zords look like. It’s not about Bulk and Skull falling face-first into pies while the Rangers laugh in their faces. (Seriously, who were the bullies on this show again?) Power Rangers, in all of its various incarnations over the past two decades, good or bad or atrocious, has been about one thing.

Young individuals who overcome their differences and flaws to become something bigger than themselves. So, basically, teamwork through overwhelming adversity.

“That’s any team-up story, Gordie. Why are you so stupid?”

Yeah, but Rangers always had a different way of going about it. The moral of each episode was often tied in with the monster-of-the-day that they had to destroy. Remember when Billy got a B on a test and they had to fight Grumble Bee? That’s the kind of thing I’m getting at.

But no matter what episode you pick from the 800-plus (fuck) that have been shoved onto the small screen, that core is there. Somewhere.

And this movie, based solely on what I have to work with so far, is taking the core and making it its bitch.

See? It’s even etched into her locker!

It was always implied that the Mighty Morphin kids were from different walks of life, but it was never really conveyed well in the show. You had the kind-hearted jock, his smooth-talking best friend, a valley girl, a nerdy guy, and the quiet girl. But throughout their entire tenure on the show, did you ever truly get the sense that they weren’t friends before Zordon kidnapped them? They all just kind of get along immediately, right? Like Saved by the Bell except they’re superheroes and also they killed Screech.

So much forteenagers with attitude.

But wait…

The kind-hearted jock is now the homegrown athlete who wrecks his truck and somehow ends up on house arrest with a leg brace.

The smooth-talking guy still has swagger, but maybe he’s not very honest.

The valley girl is now the queen bee at her high school until she isn’t, and her “friends” go Mean Girls on her ass, so she chops off her hair and gets a little rebellious.

This face is so Amy Jo and I love it.

The nerdy guy now has a lot more trouble relating to people and he gravitates to the first person who sticks up for him.

The quiet girl has to move a lot because of her parents and as a result she’s always the new girl getting bullied.

Now, drawn by fate, they have to form a team to defend the world from scary Elizabeth Banks.

“So you mean they’re teenagers with attitude problems? That’s not the Power Rangers I know! That’s The Breakfast Club!”

Would you rather have Saved By the Bell?

This is Power Rangers. That’s the core. That’s why I’m so fucking excited.

Also, what the hell are they going underwater for?

fuck I dropped my morpher gimme a sec alright

]]>https://gordobaggins.com/2016/10/10/power_rangers_teaser_reaction/feed/0powerrangers_group_03gordobagginswpvlcsnap-2016-10-10-09h51m09s688vlcsnap-2016-10-10-09h52m32s449vlcsnap-2016-10-10-09h51m55s169vlcsnap-2016-10-10-09h52m19s923vlcsnap-2016-10-10-09h52m58s194vlcsnap-2016-10-10-09h51m36s023vlcsnap-2016-10-10-09h52m39s259vlcsnap-2016-10-10-09h57m26s577‘Gumby’ and the Imminent Downfall of Civilizationhttps://gordobaggins.com/2016/06/15/gumby_apocalypse/
https://gordobaggins.com/2016/06/15/gumby_apocalypse/#respondWed, 15 Jun 2016 23:17:50 +0000http://gordobaggins.com/?p=468If you look at the current trends in popular media, a lot of success is determined by name recognition. Not necessarily the names of actors; one could actually argue that “star power” doesn’t matter nearly as much as it used to. I’m talking about brand names: adaptations, sequels, franchises, spinoffs, reboots, remakes and rehashes. These days, nostalgia is the most bankable. It’s almost a franchise in and of itself.

Inevitably, we’re going to see a Hollywood reboot of Gumby. On that day, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m stressed out just thinking about it.

We need to prepare for this. I’m not just talking about picking our favorite director for the job or coming up with our preferred casting choices or trying to decide which of Gumby’s adventures we’d like to see adapted for the big screen.

I’m talking about preparing. Doomsday Prepper shit. Underground shelters. Food rations. Firearms. Everything. The Gumby feature film is a signal of the end times, and nobody seems to know it’s coming.

I promise, this isn’t a theory. This is fact. It’s practically prophetic. It’s about time the world woke up.

At the center of the problem, the real catalyst here, is that nobody remembers Gumby. You might remember what he looks like. You probably remember Pokey the horse. That’s it. You don’t remember what the show was about, even if you think you do. Whatever thoughts you had in your head concerning what Gumby actually does are ones that you probably just wrote off as something you dreamt about after a bad (good?) trip on your favorite hallucinogen.

I’ve done the legwork. It turns out there’s a shitton of old episodes of Gumby on YouTube. I sat and watched the entirety of the first episode, called “Moon Trip.” Whatever you think you remember about Gumby, it’s even weirder than that.

Basically, Gumby takes a rocket to the moon. Some rocks start chasing him around and his dad has to come save him. He takes his son back to Earth (?) and heals him at the doll hospital.

It’s a psychological roller coaster, an assault on every sense of reality you hold dear. Watch it yourself. There’s so much more than I can possibly summarize for you.

Why did Gumby go to the moon? What was he running from? Is this just something he does on a regular basis? We don’t know. We barely know who Gumby is. Is he a person? Why is his head slanted? Why is he made of clay but everything else looks like a toy? Is he a child’s plaything and we’re just watching his or her imagination at work? Why do his parents have the ability to “melt” into puddles? Why did Gumby take a rocket ship but his dad could just use a ladder?

This is another huge issue. Gumby is barely even a television show. It’s a proof of concept for a never-ending series of questions that will never be answered in a satisfactory manner.

When a feature film reimagining happens, it’s going to have to establish a set of rules for Gumby’s world. It will need to reintroduce us to this character that we don’t even remember anything about. But there’s so many questions that need answering in order to make the concept palatable to a modern audience that it’s almost impossible to form a coherent story at the same time.

You thought the reactions to the Ghostbusters remake were bad? At least we understand why it exists. People see the name and they remember the movies and TV shows that they grew up with. It had memorable characters, endless quotable one-liners, and fantastic effects. There’s a certain demand for something to breathe new life into the franchise, whether you agree with it or not.

Any nostalgia the world holds for Gumby is hollow. A vacant hole we pretend is a childhood affection to mask our insecurities about our own fleeting existence. The sooner we come to terms with this, the better off we’ll be.

Nobody is going to understand the Gumby movie. Nothing will make an iota of sense. This will be the last straw. Something in the collective consciousness of the world will snap. Like a hivemind whose Queen was just assassinated. Nostalgia will finally betray us. Riots in the streets. Molotov cocktails through clothing store windows. Looting. The once startling sound of gunfire will become nothing more than white noise in the chaos. Countries with conflicting ideologies concerning what Gumby means will be at war with each other. All of society will crumble in a fiery holocaust.

Nobody wants a Gumby movie. There is no demand. But it’ll exist regardless, and this message will only reach so many of you. So do what you can to prepare yourself when the state of emergency arrives.

He knows it’s coming. And he will do nothing to stop it.

Remember that episode of Gumby when he strapped a rocket pack to Pokey so that he could win a horse race? I bet you do. It’s so vivid in your mind. You sat with your dad on the couch, eyes glued to the television screen, enjoying the after school adventures of your favorite stop-motion clay man.

But you don’t. I made it up. But you remembered it anyway. Because you don’t truly remember Gumby. Gumby is nothing more than a concept to you. You were just too blind to see it.

Soon, we all will remember Gumby. In fact, it’ll be the only thing we know for sure.

]]>https://gordobaggins.com/2016/06/15/gumby_apocalypse/feed/0Gumbypicgordobagginswpgumby-1115930_19202016-03-25-1458925047-2518940-Gumby.aJon Snow Has Resting “I Just Smelled a Fart and I Don’t Know Who Did It” Facehttps://gordobaggins.com/2016/05/18/jon-snow-resting-fart-face/
https://gordobaggins.com/2016/05/18/jon-snow-resting-fart-face/#respondWed, 18 May 2016 16:12:15 +0000http://gordobaggins.com/?p=465What the hell is that?

Did… did somebody just fart?

No, seriously. Who was it? It smells like Tormund ate a direwolf and then immediately shit it out.

Or maybe that’s just how Tormund smells? No… it’s much more disgusting than usual. Much, much more.

It’s putrid. It’s like a rotting corpse dipped in vomit.

It had to have been Tormund. That fucking guy. I knew the Wildlings were up to no good. I didn’t want to admit it, but I knew it.

But what do I do? How do I confront him about this? Christ, it’s like a cat pissed in Sam’s hair.

I mean, I invited the guy into my home, and he just shits in his pants. I don’t think “guest right” specifies any guidelines for this.

Maybe I should just ask him nicely. He’d probably be cool about it.

Although, he is Tormund. Maybe I should be more aggressive.

Alright. Time to nut up or shut up.

Hey you ginger-haired, bear-fucking lumberjack, I know it was you who–

All screencaps courtesy of HBO and KitHarington.com. Used without permission. I feel no remorse.

]]>https://gordobaggins.com/2016/05/18/jon-snow-resting-fart-face/feed/0307_033gordobagginswpj01j02j03j04j05j06j07j08j09j10j11j12j13The New ‘Power Rangers’ Aren’t As Ugly As Your Stupid Facehttps://gordobaggins.com/2016/05/05/the-new-power-rangers-arent-as-ugly-as-your-stupid-face/
https://gordobaggins.com/2016/05/05/the-new-power-rangers-arent-as-ugly-as-your-stupid-face/#commentsThu, 05 May 2016 22:32:28 +0000http://gordobaggins.com/?p=375Today we got our first official look at the new Power Rangers movie suits, and naturally, everybody from your grandma to your best friend’s baby cousin has an opinion to share on the Internet.

My thoughts are that of somebody who has seen almost every episode of every season of Power Rangers. I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the terrible. I’ve seen Rangers get baked into giant pizzas. I’ve seen villains that brainwash people into loving them through a TV sitcom. I consider myself well-informed. I’m not sure if I should brag about that or not.

A couple of petty nitpicks aside, I really like them. Others don’t, and that’s fine. But if you don’t, there’s a good chance that your expectations were more unrealistic than forming a giant robot out of five dinosaurs. Well, two dinosaurs and three ancient animals.

That is not spandex!

Of course it’s not. One of the key descriptors from the director himself was that the suits were “metaphysical,” and not something you could just wear. What were you expecting? Lycra morphsuits? Halloween costumes?

Coming this summer… Lame: The Movie

I’d go see it if they were in spandex. Hell, I may even like them more. But I’d see the movie regardless, because I’m a dork. The general audience doesn’t even know the Power Rangers are still on TV. They have to be convinced that it’s going to be a different take on what they remember, appealing to modern sensibilities. Sure, the spandex may have more low-budget charm to it, but that’s not going to fly on a multi-million dollar feature film. It has to be interesting.

“The same” is the opposite of “interesting.”

The original Movie suits were so much cooler!

Shut up.

The only reason the suits looked the way they did at all was because, in the public consciousness, they were the Power Rangers. They couldn’t stray too far from the look of the show because they were massive cultural icons at that point. They had to look a certain way. The fact that the suits didn’t change for 150-some episodes, despite conflicting source footage and different Zords, is a testament to that.

TYRANNO… ape… uhh…

It’s been over twenty years. They don’t have to look like that anymore. The new movie isn’t restricted by Japanese footage. They can do whatever the fuck they want.

Peehole or design flaw? Choose your own adventure

These suits were bulky and prone to tearing. They looked like the show costumes with a bunch of armor padding. Cool for action figures, weird in real life.

And they didn’t even make action figures based off of the Movie suits until last year. What a ripoff.

The helmets don’t even look like their dinosaurs!

They don’t look like the Power Rangers!

Correction: They don’t look like the Power Rangers you’re used to. You’ve seen those same costumes from the 90s your entire life. Yeah, it’s gonna take some adjusting.

They’re destroying my childhood!

Your childhood was stupid and so are you. You want your childhood ruined? Go watch Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. That’ll do it. ba-dum-tsss

Boobs!

This is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people, so if you’re easily offended, please close your browser tab.

Okay, here we go.

Women, generally speaking, have boobs.

I know. Sex is scary. Sex and boobs. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that sex exists and that it’s one of, like, four things that every human being has in common.

Boobs are what’s impractical about these suits. Not the glowing diamonds that look like they would shatter if poked too hard in the sternum.

That reminds me…

So when you see boobs on screen, I can see why that would be mortifying. The idea that a form-fitting alien armor suit would account for a woman’s body is absolutely absurd. It’s sexualizing women. Women are objects because they have boobs.

Sex.

BOOBS.

Also sexualized: Zack’s fat dick

The girls are wearing heels/wedges!

I don’t know much about the combat practicality of wearing heels, but… yeah, I guess you’re right.