Dallas: Never miss an opportunity to shut up

Ah, the 80’s. The heyday of the prime time soap, when the hair was as tall as the shoulder pads were wide. The original iteration of Dallas ran for 14 seasons and has been off the air for 20 years. This current version is a continuation of the story that ended in 1991 – minus the two TV movies, which for purposes of continuity, we’re apparently pretending never happened. There’s only so much back story you can cram into two hours, so here’s a quick character recap (to the recap) to help bring new viewers up to speed and remind former fans of where we left off.

Bobby Ewing: stalwart and earnest, his father’s favorite. He once spent an entire season taking a shower. Now retired from the oil business, he raises cattle on the family ranch Southfork. In the Pilot cold open he receives a cancer diagnosis but resolves to tell no one, at least until after his son’s wedding. “I’ve got family business to attend to … before anybody knows I’m dying.”

Annie Ewing: that nice dead lady from Desperate Housewives. Also, Bobby’s current wife until ratings flag (oh, in say Season 3) and producers decide to bring back Pamela.

Sue Ellen Ewing: former Miss Texas, former Mrs. JR Ewing. She has her own money, power, and connections now and is positioned to be a pot stirrer and spoiler. Like say, by staking Elena in her own oil venture. Also, Jensen Ackles’ dad thinks she should run for governor. Linda Gray actually running for governor as Sue Ellen would be the best. cosplay. EVER.

Christopher Ewing: Bobby and Pamela’s son. The biological son of Sue Ellen’s sister Kristen, the one who shot JR. Don’t think that’s not something he’s had to carry with him his whole life. He’s committed to finding alternative energy solutions, and thinks he’s found it with frozen subsea methane.

John Ross Ewing: Sue Ellen and JR’s son. He’s inherited grandfather Jock’s wildcatting streak and his father’s Richard gene, but absolutely none of JR’s charm. He also sports facial hair and a manner of line delivery that makes him seem like a character from There Will be Blood. I will be referring to him as Milkshake, trust. He fancies himself a baron in the making, and the only true heir to the Ewing legacy.

ElenaGilbertRamos: Daughter of the Southfork cook, she grew up with Christopher and John Ross. Once engaged to the former, she’s now with the latter and is the brains behind John Ross’s oil venture.

Rebecca Sutter: Christopher’s new wife and much like Pamela before her, an outsider. Unlike Pamela, this girl is all day shady. If the poor orphan sob story didn’t set the alarm bells ringing, the crazy eyes should have.

JR Ewing: the king of Dallas and reason this show is any fun to watch. He got shot once, and literally – literally – the entire world held its breath for 3 months to find out who did it.

JR’s eyebrows: because seriously. They are magnificent. They have their own twitter. Like the Great Wave off Kanagawa they crash into your awareness. They are the eyebrows who mount the world. Behind Chuck Norris’s beard there is no chin; there is only eyebrow.

Bobby’s diagnosis has him in a reflective mood, and so he pays a visit to his brother. Apparently after losing Ewing Oil to Cliff Barnes and attempting suicide, JR has been in a nursing home suffering from “depression.” The kind of depression that makes one catatonic, because sure. Bobby muses over their past conflicts and the ways they changed him. He doesn’t want the same for their sons. “I want them to have a chance to be a family. Without all the bitterness … bad blood you and I had. I don’t want them to be like us.”

But still … “I do miss you. I hope you know. I always loved you.”

Don’t we all, Bobby. Don’t we all.

The family gathers at Southfork to celebrate Bobby’s birthday. The boys blah blah about the future of energy and it’s like Episode I all over again. Who cares about intergalactic trade embargoes, bring on Darth Maul! Bobby mercifully interrupts the tepid debate to make an announcement. He’s selling Southfork. John Ross is all, ‘yeah … about that’. They drive out to a remote section of the ranch where he’s sunk a test well. It’s a gusher – a two billion barrel reserve of light sweet crude. Bobby is furious. Riches be damned, he promised momma there would be no drilling on Southfork.

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, MILKSHAKE! YOU SHUT IT! YOU DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT MISS ELLIE THAT WAY!

Bobby somehow manages not to pick up a piece of pipe and beat him to death with it. Then John Ross turns on Christopher.

“Bobby’s not your dad. Everybody knows your dad sold you when you were a little baby. You’ll never be a Ewing, Christopher.”

Christopher … well, I’m sure in his head he was going to beat the tiresome facial hair off his cousin, but really, it’s just a slap fight. Bobby easily breaks them apart. These boys are going to have to step up their game. Never mind in her prime, Joan Collins today could throw a punch harder than either one of them. Bobby shuts down the rig and lays down the law. “There is no drilling on my ranch.” And there’s no drilling on the sea bed either. Christopher gets a video call from one of his partners in China. They tapped a cache of methane … and he thinks they triggered an earthquake. MOTHRA! WE RELEASED MOTHRA! THE ISLAND MOVED! IT’S NOT SAFE! THEY’RE SHUTTING US DOWN!

Elena meets Rebecca at the bridal salon for a dress fitting. Rebecca’s bridesmaid had to bow out, and she was delighted at John Ross’s suggestion that Elena take her place. Because Milkshake is a tool and sweet, precious Rebecca apparently doesn’t know the history between her fiancee and Elena. Or does she?

“I knew Chris had a broken heart the moment we met. Chris was a boy … running away from home. I think you wish the best for Chris. I know, I’m going to try my damnedest to make him happy.”

We don’t know much about Rebecca, but clearly this girl was raised in the South. Only a southern girl can deliver the ‘YOU BEST BACK UP OFF MY MAN, BISH’ speech so politely. As Sue Ellen and Annie gush over her in her wedding dress, Rebecca gives Elena a look that says, ‘This is my time, now. And seriously. I will cut you. In this dress I will cut you and use your blood to write my thank you notes.’

After a second run in with Bobby at the rig, John Ross does the only thing he can. He visits JR. When he walks in the room, his father is as unresponsive to him as he was to Bobby. John Ross sits down and tells him everything. The injunction he filed to overturn Miss Ellie’s will, all the sweet, sweet crude he found under Section 16, and Bobby’s plans to sell the ranch and give the money to Christopher to fund his methane project.

“Bobby was always a fool. Stubborn as a mule. And particularly harebrained about that foundling. Christopher …

Not even a Ewing.”

The amount of contempt in those four words is chilling. Bless his cold, blackened heart, JR is back. John Ross couldn’t look more shocked if the faces on Mount Rushmore started talking. JR finally turns and looks at his son. A spark lights up behind his eyes. Boy, go get your daddy some fried chicken and red jello. You’ve got catching up to do. As JR eats, John Ross explains that he’s sure he could win his case … if only Bobby hadn’t cut him off financially. JR swallows a laugh and gives him the most delightfully, gleefully, patronizing smile.

“Son, the courts are for amateurs and the faint of heart.”

Fantastic. When he can’t get Elena to spy for him, John Ross buys off one of Christopher’s techs and hires a man to break into Bobby’s office at Southfork. Annie and the biggest shot gun in the gun cabinet startle the intruder. ister may not miss at any range, but that seems to apply only to stationary targets. The guy launches himself through the nearest window and takes off running and she doesn’t get off the first shot. Not even for the sake of the satisfying BOOM that it would make. The deputy agrees with me. “Next time Miz Ewing, shoot ’em.”

Hey! It’s the day of the wedding! There’s a lot of yellow. Who picks bright yellow as their color? I’m telling you. Girl is cray-cray. A helicopter lands in the paddock, and did they invite Kalon dru-Zod from The Bachelorette? Away with you! Begone! Back to The Bachelor Pad from whence you came! In his place is Marta Del Sol, representative of one of the largest private land conservancies in the world. No, no you’re not, but thank you for playing. They take a quick spin around the property while she outlines her vision of protecting Southfork forever. They land and Bobby welcomes brother Ray and niece Lucy to the party. Yay! Ray and Lucy! Having the two of them in a scene together is clearly a shout out to all those Season 1 (literal) rolls in the hay before the writers decided that Ray was actually a Ewing too. Ewwwwing. Also, Bobby is quite cordial to Ray considering that he’s (presumably) still married to Bobby’s second wife (and first love) Jenna Wade.

John Ross uses the purloined information about the methane triggered earthquakes to blackmail Christopher. Convince his father to take Southfork off the market or be exposed for a fraud. Wow, it took an hour for someone to be blackmailed? Christopher manhandles Elena away from the party to confront her about her betrayal. He gets a slap to the face for his trouble. There you go, Show! She in turn confronts him about the email he sent her all those years ago. You know, the one saying they were a mistake and breaking things off on the day of their wedding. The one he swears he never sent. Christopher goes charging after John Ross, and despite the fact that they’re RIGHT NEXT TO THE POOL, does not throw him in or try to drown him. Instead, he grabs his cousin by the lapels and not!menaces, “I know it was you.” Ugh, these two. Christopher goes to Bobby and tells him everything, ending with a promise that he can find a way to make the technology safe. Bobby responds by making a handshake deal with Marta to move forward with the sale of the ranch. Christopher’s relief is short lived as he realizes he still has to go marry a (probably crazy) girl who isn’t Elena in front of 800 of his family’s closet friends.

A very drunk John Ross staggers into his father’s room to tell JR he failed. JR introduces him to Marta Del Sol. He’s been friends with her father for years. “This is for all the marbles, son. You didn’t think I’d trust your weaksauce milkshake put all my oil in one barrel did you?”

“I’m the one who belongs on Southfork. It’s mine, and only mine. Oil is my birthright! Come on, give me some credit. Bobby may not be stupid, but I’m a hell of a lot smarter.”

JR flashes John Ross a smile, puts on his cowboy hat and BOOM. EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. ALL OF YOU. PREGNANT.

“Blood may be thicker than water, but oil is thicker than both.”

Later. John Ross walks across the field of Cowboys Stadium and stops at the 50 yard line. Marta stands across from him. “Your ambition could fill this building.” Aim for the jumbotron! “You were right not to trust JR. I hope you know what you’re doing.”

John Ross puts on his hat and … … … yeah, no. Sorry, Milkshake.

Fascinating fact: Cowboys Stadium is the only thing in Texas bigger than JR’s eyebrows.

“Hedging Your Bets”
June 13, 2012

John Ross, you're learning already. (TNT)

John Ross joins JR and Marta for breakfast. JR presses her about arranging a call with her father. He’s never made a deal with a man he hasn’t talked to personally. Then he turns on John Ross to crack the whip about getting access to the sale contracts. And don’t you lip off to your daddy, boy.

“Son, never pass up a good chance to shut up.”

I’m going to embroider that on a pillow. JR is called away to physical therapy. John Ross walks Marta to her car, and they make out … in full view of JR’s room because ugh, this kid! From there he gets the shakedown from Bobby’s long time friend and attorney, Mitch. $500,000 was the price for keeping John Ross apprised of any actions that might impact his drilling plan. If JR wants to review the contracts before Bobby sees them, that will cost another 2 million. Mitch will throw his continued silence in for free. John Ross ends the day as he began it, with Marta – who drugs him and records their sexy times. He comes to rope burned, groggy, and feeling like his head has been kicked in. Marta gives him the money he needs to pay off Mitch, with a warning to make sure this is the end of it. “Where I come from, you don’t feed a stray dog.”

While Christopher is at Elena’s looking for solutions to his earthquake problem, Rebecca is toiling away at a pie baked from Miss Ellie’s family recipe. Her brother Tommy comes in with the good news that Annie offered him a job on the ranch. “I’m in.” Called it! 15 minutes into the pilot, I called it! Shay. DEE. Also, brother Tommy looks like he was grown in a The CW casting lab from the DNA of Michael Vartan, Jason Mmmraz, and Garret Dillahunt. He congratulates her for convincing Christopher to stay a Southfork instead of leaving for their honeymoon. She reassures Tommy that everything is right on track, but it’s clear that her heart isn’t in whatever long con they’re pulling … because of FEELINGS. They’ve spent two years working on this job (and I’m guessing sent Elena that break up email). Tommy needs her to get her head in the game, and not get too comfortable being Mrs. Ewing. “Here’s to our mutual success.” Twitter puts Tommy as the first person to end up dead in the pool, and I’m inclined to agree.

JR grows weary of being put off by Marta, and being a man of action, he hies himself to Mexico. He has a warm reunion with Papa Del Sol, but Carlos is puzzled at the mention of a deal. He’s not aware of a deal, but he’s sure that Marta can clear up any confusion. He picks up his cell and asks her to join them. The blond that walks in off the veranda is not who JR was expecting. JR takes it all in stride, and brushes away talk of a deal as an old fogey’s mistake. He promises to introduce Marta to his son. “He’s a chip off the old block.”

Will this version of Dallas have the impact that its predecessor did? Doubt it. Is the ‘conflict’ between John Ross and Christopher the weakest component of the story? Yes. Could I watch an entire hour of JR verbally bitch slapping Milkshake? Without question. Is Dallas soapy good fun that’s just what we need to tide us over until Revenge comes back in the fall? Absolutely.