Monday, March 10, 2008

MARC IN BIZARRE MAGAZINE

Marc Wootton

The strangest thing Marc Wootton has had in his mouth was'his teacher's cock'. and it gets worse

Marc Wootton was the talent behind Cyderdelic, My New Best Friend, and the magnificent Shirley Ghostman. And you really should already be watching his new show Marc Wootton Exposed (Sundays, 10pm, BBC3). He likes apes,Muppets and all animals, despite an unfortunate incident with a mouse...What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth? Umm, I can’t think. My teacher's cock? That’s notactually that weird is it? That’s just what most schoolkids go through. Erm, I don’t know. Can we move on?

Do you collect anything weird? I’m obsessed with monkeys, and I collect lots ofmonkey things, Planet of the Apes especially.Anything from Planet of the Apes, Beneath the Planetof the Apes, Escape from Planet of the Apes, Conquestof the Planet of the Apes. I’m not that into Battle of thePlanet of the Apes because it got a bit weak by then.I also collect a lot of Muppet memorabilia. I’ve got a replicaKermit and BT phone cards of each of the Muppet characters.

Why monkeys? I think the reason that I love monkeys is that people complicatelife when in actual fact it is about playing, eating and shagging.And monkeys do just that. They don’t bother with mortgages,stupidlittle concrete houses, pavements, silly littlemonkey cars, emails and mobile phones. You wouldn'tfind a monkey forcing a another monkey to work extremelylong hours for low pay just to keep himself in trainers. They justshag, play, eat and sleep. And that’swhat we should do. I always look to the monkeys for guidance and think,‘What would a monkey do here?’

What’s the biggest animal you’ve ever killed? Shirley Ghostman killed a dog by shoving all thepieces of Buckaroo up its arse. But me, it’s a mouse.I caught a mouse using one of those humane traps but then didn’t know what to do with it, so I let him go in some water thinking he might drown, but he swam and swam. I felt really guilty and awful. I couldn’t just leave him to drown, so I scooped him into acarrier bag and… killed him. I don’t know what came over me.It was weird. I feel terrible.

Do you ever hear voices? My nan was a paranoid schizophrenic and she definitely heard voices. She came to stay with us at one point and it was just the weirdest time, feeling quite unnerved by this quite ancient ladykind of having proper full onconversations with kettles and people “on the air”.I would help her act out these huge flights of fantasyand encourage her.

Once she put a pillow up her frontand went round to ournext-door neighboursand told the wife that her husband had got herpregnant. She once told my mum that she had mysisters and I at the bottom of the garden and wasgoing to kill us. She hadn’t at all, We were all sat roundthe table waiting for dinner to be served. Scary lady.

What’s the closest to death you’ve ever come? We’d always end Cyderdelic by laying in traffic.I had a few close shaves on that show. After a while you’d done theshow so many times you started thinkingthat unsuspecting motorists know the end, but of course theydon’t. I had some close shaves and I got hitonce, which was a good ending to the show.

What’s the biggest animal that you’ve ever ridden? I rode my next-door neighbour’s cat and broke its legs.That’s not true. I just threatened to do that. I said, “If you come round here any more, wise guy, I’m going to ride your catand break itslegs.” I didn’t really. I wish I had.

Do you have any fetishes? I wish I was a bit more unusual and I could say that I lovedfucking people’s eyes in but I really don’t have any extremefetishes, I’m quite boring.Is wearing women like shoes a fetish? No, I don’thave that fetish. I’m trying to thinkbut I don’t have anything weird. I don’t think, ‘Oh god,I like disabledies rubbing up against me’. I’d love to saysomething rock and roll but I’d be lying.

Have you ever wet yourself through fear? No, but I wet myself when I was doing an episodeof at Bayswater ice skating rink. I was toldthat I couldn’t wet myself for health and safety reasonsbut I just drank loads and weed allover the ice. You got that mistiness.It looked like an old Top of the Pops dry icenumber. It was the episode that never got shownbecause the guy flipped out about it.

Have you ever had an imaginary friend? Spanner Man wasn’t an imaginary friend but more like a kind ofanother version of me. You’d never see us in the same place.I used to get out an adjustablespanner and be like, “Where’s Marc? Have you seen Marc?No? Oh well, Spanner Man’s here!”

If you had to have sex with an animal, what would you choose?A little marmoset. Not intercourse sex because it wouldfind that pretty stressful with its tiny little orifices.But marmosets have mini little hands, and those aroundyour cock would make it look huge.

If you had to choose between necrophilia,coprophilia and bestiality, which would you choose? I think it would have to be necrophilia because itwould be the least stressful. If there was a crowd ofpeople watching me doing it with my dead nan and clappingin time with the strokes, I would find that really quitestressful. But if it was just me and my nan and we were ina little place and no one knew, she’s dead so she’s not reallythere, so it’s just a case of closing youreyes and pretending it’s someone else. Andtheir hands would be able to grip stuff, like mylittle replica Kermit that you can move and pose.I imagine that you can pose dead people to do stuffif the rigor mortis has set in, which would make it all easier.

Not an ape then? I reckon that they would be pretty rough. I think I’d bepretty scared. You’d get thumped on the back. I don’tthink that I would be able to get it up because I wouldbe so anxious that it was going to hit me with its bigthumping fists. At least with a dead person you wouldn’thave to think about their feelings. It’s a guilt free bit of fun.

5 comments:

Anonymous
said...

That interview was hilarious! I even got dirty looks from my boss for literally lollin' all over the place. Ugh I hate the use of lol. Anyhows I can't really explain to him i'm laughing about my favourite comedian deciding between necrophilia, coprophilia and bestiality...I even had to look coprophilia up because I am that innocent. And now I am probably going to get into further trouble for looking that up on work's computer...it's a slippery slope.

But I must say I've lost a little bit of respect for the old wootton after reading about his mouse plastic bag killing...was it suffocation or did you just put it in a bag and knock the shit out of it??? If the latter I may have to make David Walliams my new favourite comedian...he swims and everything!