Category: eating disorder

The angry thunder bolts, runs through the ground with its electricity and you can feel the tingling in your skin right down to the very bones that keep you steady in the storm. You close your eyes to hear the rumbling through the sky while imagining the dark clouds rippling in your ceiling. Just when you feel ready to try again, the thunder yells courageously, and you lie on the floor, telling yourself you’ll try again tomorrow when weather conditions permit.

The storm decided what your day was going to look like. Your head tells you that the storm is what is preventing you from living and you seem to have convinced yourself of this. You wake up the next day with every intention of living, doing what you told yourself you needed to do, but it is still storming. You crawl back in bed, almost too naturally, and close your eyes, telling yourself you’ll try again tomorrow when weather conditions permit.

But what if the storm lasts for days, or weeks, or months. You get used to the routine of waking up to the storm, that it becomes routine to get back into bed and tell yourself that when circumstances change, you will do something. Anything. Everything. Just not today.

The storm starts to become all you know and you find comfort in it. You have a credible reason to stay in bed because there is no use in going outside. It is dangerous. It could hurt you. You imagine every possible scenario that could happen if you walked into the dark, cloudy, loud, ruthless storm. Staying in bed is comforting because you know it is safe and warm. You might not be living, but you are comfortable. And that is what matters to you at this moment.

When the storm turns into a light drizzle and the clouds start to disappear and a spotlight of bright sun beams through your closed curtains, you get hopeful. But you’ve stayed in bed for so long that your legs forget how to move when you try to reach for the floor. So you tell yourself that a drizzle isn’t worth getting out of bed for. You’ll work on getting your legs to work tomorrow when the sky is worth going outside for. You tell yourself you’ll try again tomorrow when weather conditions permit.

Finally, you wake up and find it hard to open your eyes. The sun is shining brightly through your half-closed curtains. You scrunch your face as you turn away from the sunshine. Your eyes start to water because they aren’t used to looking at the sun and it hurts. You never thought your eyes would forget how to look at the light, so you close them again and wait for another storm. You tell yourself you’ll try again tomorrow when weather conditions permit.

The doctor sat me down with my parents. At this point, I was in a constant state of humiliation and indignity; I couldn’t even look anyone in the eyes. Shortly after, the doctor said “You have one of the worst cases of bulimia we have ever seen.”

My heart dropped. I was weak. I cried. I felt hopeless and scared. I was sick. My body had started shutting down in ways that were unexplained. And the worst part of it- I had brought it all upon myself.

After entering into a full-time treatment center (and on the record, this was totally kept in secret), I slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) started to learn what my eating disorder really meant.

How does someone come to bring upon them self such a deadly and self-destructive behavior? Let’s be real, no one wakes up one day and says they are going to get addicted to (insert name of drug here) or become an alcoholic. In the same way, I never imagined I would end up with an eating disorder that would take over my life.

Whether it is self-harm, drugs, alcohol, sex, food or lack there of, self-destructive behaviors come from trying numb or distract ourselves from a certain feeling, even if you can’t pinpoint what exactly it is.

Having an eating disorder distracted me from the exploitation, unworthiness, and insufficiency I felt. I would be so preoccupied with food, exercise, numbers on a scale, and how I looked in pictures that I would distract myself from these very real feelings. The eating disorder itself would leave me feeling so exhausted and physically incapable of dealing with anything else.

I had given my mind, body, and soul to something that would leave me feeling more and more hopeless every day. After the high faded, my depression worsened, and I sunk into a deeper black pit.

Nevertheless, after SIX years, approximately 2,190 days, the Lord redeemed my story. He completely healed my mind and body. After cursing His name many nights, after begging Him to take it all away, after insulting Him by doubting His goodness…

He

Still

Chose

Me

Do you have chills yet?

Suffering is a ministry. Even our self-built prison walls can be used for God’s glory. Our pain is a unique invitation to understand others. The Holy Spirit lives inside of us and leads us to where our story will further the Kingdom in the most extensive ways.

You are not too far gone. In fact, thinking this very thought is prideful. It is doubting God’s ability to bring you from death to life.

Marvelously loved one, Jesus knew your struggles before you did. There is absolutely nothing accidental about your story. He heals and redeems so that you can experience His WHOLENESS. The King of the Universe strikes you with an electricity to be BRAVE with your life, with your struggles, with your insecurities… all you need to do is ask for it.

I want you to think about a couple of things:

What is holding you captive?

Are you praising The Most High through a current storm?

Are you sharing your victories with others who need you?

Have you thanked God for bringing you through a certain trial?

Just because we are at the end, PLEASE… I beg you. PLEASE do not skip this part. Out of everything said, this is the most important.

2 Peter 3:9 (NIV) “The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

He does not want you to perish. He is waiting to help you. He is not slow in helping you. He is patient. He knows exactly what you are going to go through and He knows exactly how your story will be redeemed. Do not let the length of time of a suffering discourage you. Surely, the Lord will keep His promise to you.

Do not destroy your soul for a peace of mind you will never achieve outside of Jesus.