Funny Presidential Quotes

Rather than give you jokes about our presidents (most of which are quite tasteless) we’re giving you some humorous quotes by our presidents.

They’ve said some interesting, witty and downright eyebrow raising statements. It doesn’t matter whether you’re Democrat or Republican, there is something for everyone!

Mrs. Huddle finds this quote particularly humorous:
“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.”
-George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

If you know of a funny or witty quote by America’s presidents & VP, please drop us a line.

“A man who reads nothing at all is better educated than a man who reads nothing but newspapers.”
-Thomas Jefferson

“There goes a man made by the Lord Almighty and not by his tailor.”
-Andrew Jackson, describing an ill-dressed friend.

“Popularity, I have always thought, may aptly be compared to a coquette – the more you woo her, the more apt she is to elude your embrace.”
-John Tyler

“He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.”
-Abraham Lincoln, referring to a lawyer

“I am a slow walker, but I never walk backwards.”
-Abraham Lincoln

“A soldier who was always boasting of his bravery when no danger was near, but who always retreated without orders at the first sign of a battle, was asked by his captain why he did so. And the solider replied, ‘Captain, I have as brave a heart as Julius Caesar ever had, but somehow or other, whenever danger approaches, my cowardly legs will run away with it.'”
-Abraham Lincoln

“I only know two tunes: one of them is ‘Yankee Doodle’ and the other isn’t.”
-Ulysses S. Grant

“An Englishman who was wrecked on a strange shore and wandering along the coast came to a gallows with a victim hanging on it, and fell down on his knees and thanked God that he at last beheld a sign of civilization.”
-James Garfield

“I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart, and that is softness of head.”
-Theodore Roosevelt

“A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.”
-Theodore Roosevelt

“He has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair.”
-Theodore Roosevelt, describing a friend

“Some men are graduated from college cum laude, some are graduated summa cum laude, and some are graduated mirabile dictu.”
-William Howard Taft

“A man went into a big oyster house and asked for a plate of oysters. He started to eat them, and then turned to the waiter and said, ‘these oysters haven’t got any taste to them,’ and the waiter replied, ‘wait ’til you strike a bad one.'”
-William Howard Taft

“If you don’t say anything, you won’t be called on to repeat it.”
-Calvin Coolidge

“Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.”
Herbert Hoover

“A man in Louisiana was condemned to be hanged, and under the state law he was allowed five minutes to give whatever last words he might choose to speak before he was hanged. ‘Well,’ the man said, ‘I haven’t got anything to say – get on with it.’ Then a man in the audience rose and said, ‘If he doesn’t want those five minutes, Mister Sheriff, let me have them because I am running for Congress.'”
-Dwight D. Eisenhower

“A man who ran though the Kremlin shouting, ‘Krushchev is a fool, Krushchev is a fool.’ The man was sentenced to fifty years in jail, ten years for insulting the premier and forty years for revealing a state secret.”
-John F. Kennedy

“I think this is the most extraordinary collection of human knowledge that has been gathered at the White House – with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”
-John F. Kennedy, entertaining a group of Nobel Prize winners at the White House
“Washington, D.C., is a city of southern efficiency and northern charm.”
-John F. Kennedy

“My experience in government is that when things are non-controversial, beautifully coordinated and all the rest, it must be because there is not much going on.”
-John F. Kennedy

“This is a great day for France!”
-Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral

“If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.”
-Ronald Reagan

“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.”
-Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

“Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to succeed.”
-Ronald Reagan

Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn’t have the manhood to apologize.
-George Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I’ll put mine up against his any time

“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job”
-George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh…setbacks.”
-George Bush

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is.”
-Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund