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On Pi Day, Kate Middleton finally hit double digits in her annual engagement tally at the Commonwealth Day services at Westminster Abbey.

Kate decided to celebrate the union of the Commonwealth’s 53 countries with the ugliest effing coat I’ve ever seen, disease-afflicted dove grey with a mourning veil melted to it in a nuclear fashion disaster, left dabbing its eyes at the graveside of Erdem which made the bespoke coat. That’s right, you can’t just buy a coat this hideous, you actually have to have it custom made. In law, that’s known as premeditation. In fashion, that’s known as stupid. And, like all of Kate’s bespoke, it was poorly tailored. The Daily Mail has all the gruesome photos.

The hat is John Boyd who was one of Princess Diana’s favorite milliners. Grey Rupert Sanderson suede shoes and a grey Emmy London clutch were also used to execute the Code Grey. Kate was really reaching back into the 80s for inspiration.

Kate Middleton has not only put a hit out on fashion, she hired Buffalo Bill who now apparently works at Erdem to skin it and make her a coat out of its corpse. It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

The fact that Kate hasn’t been arrested yet for ordering this Code Grey on fashion makes me think the Fashion Police might not be an actual division of law enforcement.

There’s no way Kate would hold up under sartorial cross examination. Suri Cruise could get Kate to blurt out:

“You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me in bad bespoke, you need me in bad bespoke. We use words like wiglet, clutch, court shoes. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent desperately trying to avoid work and spend our time shopping. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a public that rises and sleeps to provide the very fashion I mock them with and then questions the manner in which I wear it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a credit card and start shopping. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.”

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