Welcome to the BlackLOG, this is the story of me, my wife - the long suffering "Mrs B", our cat "McG" and the various friends and acquaintances that we meet through life. It is all based around what happens to us, but is often stretched in an attempt to entertain. I do not deliberately set out to upset people but it occasionally happens (I have a fairly dark sense of humour at times).

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Friday, 25 February 2011

Karma can be such a female dog...

I popped over to another blog a few days ago and happened to come across a bewildering assessment of Lady Gaga’s greatest frock ups….Not knowing much about fashion but never one to be left out, I leapt in with both feet*. I fear it is possibly a bit of a family trait....

* This reminds me of the time my father took my mother to a property auction (Please don’t judge my father for what sounds like a strange choice of leisure activity. You have to remember, this would have been in the 1970’s, when entertainment wasn’t as refined as it is today. If someone started painting their house**, half the road would turn up to watch, while the other half would be constantly popping out for regular updates on progress and to supply tea and sarnies). The last item for sale was a dilapidated cottage….. just as the unenthusiastic bidding started to peter out altogether my mother raised her hand and put in a bid.

My poor father almost had kittens – jumping up and screaming “No!!!!”

Fortunately the auctioneer took pity on my father and agreed that he would disregard my mother's bid – I have a feeling that if the gavel had come down then it would have formed a legal and binding contract and my parents would have had to sell their house, all their possessions, my sister, probably me and still have been in debt for the next thousand years. All for a wreck with a tarpaulin roof.

When my father interrogated my mother later, she admitted that she had not wanted to miss out on the opportunity of making at least one bid and panicked as the bidding stalled, ….My father never took her to another auction...

** I remember one year my father put a special undercoat on our house, which was an odd silver colour. One of the neighbours complained bitterly about my father's choice of colour, so he left it on for six months, pretending that it was the actual colour he had chosen. He got the last laugh though, as the top coat he chose was a horrific purple colour (So bad, even Prince would have had second thoughts about adopting it) ….

After more complaints from other neighbours he eventually relented and repainted the house a sort of shit brown colour. If the same appalling colour was still available today it would probably be branded with some exotic name like “Nutmeg brown with a hint of bovine effluence” and thus become instantly acceptable and copied by all around but it wasn’t. At this point the neighbours stopped complaining and the "For Sale" boards came out quicker than British Leyland staff who could be relied on in the 70's to strike over almost any matter, including:-

No custard creams left during a crucial tea break…. The inhumanity of it all, better get in touch with the court of human rights

Substandard pillows being supplied for the night shift….hardly fair when the day shift got comfy chairs and a state of the art computer system to ensure they did not get bored in between tea breaks....

One of the union member's neighbour had painted their house a horrible colour….I don’t think my dad was responsible for this one, but you never know?

The only courtesy cars provided for staff being ones off the BL production Line…Talk about insulting your work force

Falling sales leading to bankruptcy of the company – “Right lads all out…” You have to ask yourself if British Airways staff have attended the same “How to live your life like a Lemming” seminar. This is not to be confused with the "How to live your life like a lemon” seminar, which is similar except instead of throwing yourself off a cliff and dashing your brains out on the rocks, you throw yourself into a large G&T on the rocks and let the strong alcoholic content dash your brains out for you….

Sorry I digress.... where was I?Oh yes trying to come up with a vaguely relevant comment on a Lady Gaga blog.The discussion was going way out of my comfort zone, with all the talk about the notorious meat dress (could have been worse she might have gone with the vegetarian option.....) and some strange number that made her look like the constipated lovechild, born of a Batman and my little pony roll in the hay...... If you don't believe me go check it out at Injaynesworld... Jayne has promised you a warm welcome, as long as you don't steal her toilet seat and remember not to leave her beer down - I think I got that the right way around….

I was getting to the point of abandoning any thoughts on commenting (what can I say I like to comment) when I came across a bit about how hot Lady Gaga had looked at the 2009 MT awards, in a little pink number. This got me thinking about the pink dress being cruel like wearing fur…..

She (Lady Gaga) may have looked hot, but what you don’t seem to appreciate is the thousands of innocent little “Pinks”*** that Sacrificedtheir meaningless lives just for that one dress.

*** Pinks – Small amoeba like creatures that come in many shades. They can generally be found clustered together in great numbers in :-

girly girl rooms, wardrobes, cars, even particularly girly blogs and categorically on anything associated with either Barbie or Barbara Cartland. You have to wonder if Barbie will morph into Barbara once the boob jobs (no way are those real, they are so plastic it's embarrassing, they haven’t even put the nipples back on…) and Botox (the fixed expression is a dead giveaway) start to fail….

They can certainly be found congregating around the more sensitive type of male.

The more insensitive man can sometimes get away with a sudden infestation….especially if Mrs B insists they look good and can get away with it…

but never, I repeat never, Day-Glo Pink….

Certainly not after that incident in Ibiza that you promised would never be mentioned again…..

I’m warning you if you say one more word about Ibiza, I’m taking these tight black leather trousers, ribbed white T-shirt and I’m flouncing out of here….

OK, not the most earth-shattering of comments, certainly not going to win any Pulitzer prizes for services to blog commenting but harmless enough and it amused me (regular readers will know it doesn't take much...)

I thought nothing much more about it until a few hours later when I went to Yoga. Zilch wrong with that, except when I got out my Yoga blocks (I need all the help I can get....) instead of my nice set of masculine black blocks out flopped four bright pink ones. Either my blocks had come down with a sudden pinkfestation or I had accidently picked up Mrs B’s yoga bag ....

Hmm, it got worse, instead of my normal Yogress, who knows me well, we had a substitute teacher. Pink blocks and screaming like a girl (I can’t help it that’s my yoga thing. Cursed with a high pain threshold but with an inbuilt early warning system.............incredibly early) I fear she thought I was light on my loafers. I’m not sure I should be insulted or relieved that I didn’t get invited to be Yogress2’s new GBF…. As I said Karma can be a bitch and for pink Thursday she totally owned me….

Energy WatchMonitoring our way to a fortune (or not) with our Solar Panels This has earned us approximately – £97 so far

KW generated in the week - 22Record of the week

Instant Karma by John Lennon Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones - In memory of my father, this was as close as I could get to Paint it Nutmeg brown with a hint of bovine effluence...

Lily the PinkbyThe Scaffold

Photo finishMore cat pictures and finally some bird action at our "no expense spared, all you can eat bird buffet"....

McG not bad for 16, which is around

80 and small change in cat years. He

could probably do with a hearing aid

and some glasses but not bad all the

same.

The Yoga Session with Mischief was going

so well, until she suddenly went into a complete huff...

Note to oneself - Don't use the term "Downward

facing dog" when practicing yoga with your cats.

"Hey, these aren't my black blocks...."

"Please don't make me use the pink yoga blocks, I

might have been neutered but I'm still all boy...."

After weeks of no action suddenly we

are awash with starlings...

I think the word has got around....

Fingers crossed next week for

golden eagles, humming birds, emus

ostriches and if we are really lucky

a dodo...

That's it for another ﻿week, tune in next time for some shocking crime news

17 comments:

"Nutmeg Brown With a Hint of Bovine Effluence."Puts a nice shine on a turd, no?I remember my father painting our house bright yellow and black one year (you'll read about it in a future blog). The neighbors derided it as the "Bumblebee House."Pretty classic, but this came from a man who put shag carpet in our bathroom AND on the outside of our toilet (you'll read about that, too.)Oh, since you're British, may I...?Shag Carpet: Shag is an adjective not a verb (I imagine if it were a verb, that would be pretty painful).

Bird feeders. Apparently there's an ostrich loose around us, (an escapee from the Ostrich Farm near Horncastle). Its only a matter of time before it comes to my feeders for breakfast, just hoping to get a photo. It will slay Mrs B..... Also, there is a herd, gang, crowd (?) of loose goats hanging around our railway line. They evaded the Police nicely yesterday, only to graze peacefully by the railway line later on. Do they count as wild animals?

skipperthewonderhorse said... Bird feeders. Apparently there's an ostrich loose around us, (an escapee from the Ostrich Farm near Horncastle). Its only a matter of time before it comes to my feeders for breakfast, just hoping to get a photo. It will slay Mrs B..... I’ve promised Mrs B a picture of a Dodo….Now that’s a challenge of both time and geography…If The Beast pulls that one off it will certainly pay for it’s upkeep

Also, there is a herd, gang, crowd (?) of loose goats hanging around our railway line. They evaded the Police nicely yesterday, only to graze peacefully by the railway line later on. Do they count as wild animals?I don’t see why not, since I count the gaggle, horde, host, annoyance (?) of Loose women on that TV show as wild animals…

LilPixi said... Oh, are they beautiful cats.It's all about the kitties. Thank you, I will try and remember that the next time their little body clocks go haywire and they wake me at 4am to check if I want to feed them…The answer was no Pardon me, newbie here. I didn't realize at first that was all one post. Haha. I thought the kitties were another post altogether.Yeah, sorry about that it does go on a bit…but since I restrict myself to a weekly blog, there is often a lot to go in. I had another load for this week but decided enough was enough and it could keep

Funny blog. Glad you found me & vice versa. Again thank you (slightly blushing). It is certainly not everyone’s cup of tea so always nice to know that some people (other than me) like it….Happy to stumble on your site, always nice to discover fresh talent

Krystal said... I think the pinks are out to get you, watch your back!Sod the pinks it’s the browns that I’m having trouble with currently…all to be revealed in way too much graphic detail in the next unexciting instalment of BlackLOG.

All this waxing nostalgic is making me homesick for the past – if that’s possible.Ah, the good old days…the things our parents did that give us our sense of humour!

Re the pictures – you’re good with the camera.

McG and my dog Lucky are of the same vintage and just today, as the back steps were a little icy, I watched Miss Lu try to navigate her way down them. Poor dear – it was a slippery slid to the bottom.It’s time to find one of those porch mats that dogs can do their business on as carrying her down the stairs isn’t an option on days like today - we'd both be "stair-kill". (you know like road kill – only hysterically funny)

Pearson Report said... All this waxing nostalgic is making me homesick for the past – if that’s possible.Ah, the good old days…the things our parents did that give us our sense of humour!Problem with the past, you can never go back….

Re the pictures – you’re good with the camera.The Beast is good to me….

McG and my dog Lucky are of the same vintage and just today, as the back steps were a little icy, I watched Miss Lu try to navigate her way down them. Poor dear – it was a slippery slid to the bottom. It’s time to find one of those porch mats that dogs can do their business on as carrying her down the stairs isn’t an option on days like today - we'd both be "stair-kill". (you know like road kill – only hysterically funny)It’s alright I’m English I get humour….

Yup, sucks getting old…er!once you get dentures I guess there is always gong to be a certain amount of sucking

'I remember one year my father put a special undercoat on our house, which was an odd silver colour. One of the neighbours complained bitterly about my father's choice of colour, so he left it on for six months, pretending that it was the actual colour he had chosen. He got the last laugh though, as the top coat he chose was a horrific purple colour (So bad, even Prince would have had second thoughts about adopting it)'

I had to laugh at this cuz I would so do that, if I had a house, cuz I loathe my neighbors (and if I had that house, they of course would have followed me just cuz they hate me that much) and would feel the need to punish them aesthetically just for fun. That, and I love purple, even if it is a horrific purple color that would make even Prince vomit.

Raven said... 'I remember one year my father put a special undercoat on our house, which was an odd silver colour. One of the neighbours complained bitterly about my father's choice of colour, so he left it on for six months, pretending that it was the actual colour he had chosen. He got the last laugh though, as the top coat he chose was a horrific purple colour (So bad, even Prince would have had second thoughts about adopting it)'

I had to laugh at this cuz I would so do that, if I had a house, cuz I loathe my neighbors (and if I had that house, they of course would have followed me just cuz they hate me that much) and would feel the need to punish them aesthetically just for fun. That, and I love purple, even if it is a horrific purple color that would make even Prince vomit.

Welcome aboard Raven, if you thought your neighbours were bad, you will probably enjoy Shed Wars. Prince has written to tell me that he wants me to rebrand my father’s house a different colour as he feels it is demeaning to the colour purple

Love your kitties! They are fairly docile and have only caught one bird between them in 15 years so you should be safe

Kernut the Blond said... LOL I'm picturing you with hot pink yoga blocks, trying to look very masculine, with a face that says "these are not mine".I was so carrying it in a “I’m secure in my manliness and even added a bit of a suave devil-make-care attitude for good measure” until I looked down and realised that I had accidently put on Mrs B’s bright pink leotard. I would not have minded but it wasn’t helping with the Yoga positions….….

We lived for years in a bright lemon yellow house with fluorescent green trim. I kid you not. We were lucky not to get our rear ends kicked on a daily basis.Sorry I just vomited….