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Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

One of the toughest aspects of modern life for
Muslimah’s right now is marriage – or lack thereof. I know so many
sisters who are looking to marry and are struggling for so many reasons.

We seem to be a generation caught between the
old way of doing things where our parents found someone vaguely suitable and we
went along with it and a new way where we want to find halal love but are not
sure how to go about it.

Many people my age married someone from their
parent’s home country, often a distant relative. They went along with it
because they wanted to be good girls and obedient to their parents, they were
too young to think too deeply about whether this was the right thing to do and
they had no idea what the alternative was. For some this worked out and
they found themselves happily married. For others it turned into a
nightmare where they were used for the benefit of extended family (visas, money
sent back home) and lumbered with partners who were wholly unsuitable. I
suspect for many it was a case of settling and learning to live with the
choices that had been made for them and never expecting anything more.

I married someone I met in Pakistan and went through the process
of bringing them to join me in this country. I feel like I am one of the
lucky ones in my generation. My parents gave me the choice (albeit
limited to a handful of young men I was introduced to, to pick from). My
husband turned out to be a kind, gentle, pious man who helped bring me closer
to my faith and has made me happy alhamdulillah.

I know sisters who aren’t particularly enamoured with their
husbands from back home, but are getting one with their lives: work, housework
and children. They seem fairly content, but it makes me a little sad to
think that the spark is not there in their marriages and they are just getting
by because that is the only choice they have in the path laid out for them.

Then there are the horror stories. Girls
who married with good intentions but found that once their husbands had
indefinite leave to remain in the country their attitude changed. I have
a good friend whose husband’s personality switched overnight and she found
herself being beaten regularly. In the end she had to leave him and go
back to her parents home with her two children. I have another friend who
stayed with her husband for ten years before walking away because she just
could not stand the sight of a man she had not wanted to marry in the first
place. I have met women my age whose marriages with husbands from abroad
have broken down due to domestic violence, gambling, drinking, the sheer
grasping greed of relatives back home or just outright personality differences.

The problem is not always a difficult husband. Often the
partner from back home arrives to find their spouse in this country looks down
on them, wants to change them and wants them to fit in with the norms of their
new home country. Sometimes the culture difference is too much.

I adore my husband and because we are both from a Pakistani
background I would have expected that culturally we would be a good
match. Surprisingly to me, because he was born in Pakistan and I was born
and grew up in England our cultural differences were significant. He
served as a mirror to show me how strongly I had been socialised by the norms,
media and culture of this country. Despite sharing a language, we found
that one concept, occasion or relationship could mean two very different things
to us. We knew each others language but we had to learn what we both
really meant in a slow and painstaking process which was tolerable because we
cared so deeply for each other. But if the love is not there, how
unbearable and difficult must that process be.

I think it is many of these things that put
those only a little younger than me off the idea of “going back home” to
marry. I know my younger sisters and their friends were certainly not
open to the idea. Part of the problem was the language barrier and the
process of bringing someone to this country. Another issue was that most
people who marry abroad have to work as it can take some time for their spouse
to settle here, find their feet, learn the language and find a job. Often
when their spouse does find work it is not well paid and nowhere near as
prestigious as the jobs they did back home which made them good candidates to
marry spouses in the West in the first place. This leads to further
frustration and unhappiness. My husband worked for a newspaper in Pakistan
designing page layouts using computer-aided design. He hung out with
journalists and photographers and often accompanied them on assignments on his
motorbike which he loved to travel around Pakistan on. He was well
respected in his family and in his neighbourhood.

On coming here he tried a few things before he found work in a
warehouse. Despite being run by Muslims he was not allowed to pray and
constantly had to fight for this, he was expected to come to office parties
where the alcohol was available freely, he was expected to stay silent
regarding the theft and cheating by senior managers. He had a miserable
time and was constantly fighting with management. It was a relief when he
started his own business as a removal contractor which allowed him to earn
halal, pray on time in the masjid and balance his family life.

He met people working in the warehouse who had been bank
managers in Pakistan, he even met one person who worked for the IMF in Pakistan
and had left to try and gain some experience in the UK and ended up in this
chain of warehouses.

It is all of these things and more that has put young people off
marrying in this traditional way. They are searching for someone whose
lifestyle and values match their own and who will share the life that they have
mapped out for themselves. Easier said than done!

One interesting trend I have picked up on is that of young
Muslims delaying marriage because they feel that they are not ready. They
will start finding that people are interested in them in their early twenties
but turn down proposals or delay them as long as possible because they feel
they are too young. They want to complete their education or they want to
enjoy life first. As they start to look for a partner in their late twenties,
they find that they cannot find what they are looking for and regret turning
down some of the proposals they had received earlier. I know more than
one sister who has found herself in this position.

Then there are the young people with a checklist – the minimum
requirements they have for a person they would want to marry. This can
include the level of education, career or earnings, height, weight, colour,
complexion (obviously the requirement for fair skin is predominant!),
ethnicity, caste, various personality characteristics and also his family
situation – whether his parents are around, whether he has too many sisters
(that might interfere or take sides with the mother-in-law) whether he intends to
move away from his family.

This checklist makes me so very sad. I understand the need
for some minimum standards and I understand looking for someone that you could
at least be attracted to as I honestly feel this is a basic right of every
Muslim. But I think the long specific checklists stop you from seeing
people as they really are. They block you from meeting and considering
people who might be kind, sincere, of excellent character and would make such a
loving spouse. But how would you ever know because they didn’t earn so
much at that point, or their car was old or they had lots of sisters or they
were perfect except they are a little on the short side. Circumstances
change, okay so they aren’t likely to suddenly get taller, but one day Allah
might increase their income or give them an amazing car, or land them with an
amazing job. Insh’Allah that’s when they’ll appreciate the woman who
chose them when their circumstances weren’t at their best, yet she was able to
recognise the good in him.

There are so many sisters who don’t have a checklist, who are
open to meeting a good brother, yet are struggling to find anyone. If you
are a good, pious, shy sister who has always observed her limits with men,
where do you suddenly find a good one? Clearly the parents should be
looking for partners for their children. This is when things start to
come unstuck. For a long time many parents were not willing to look
beyond their extended families or their village “back home”. They
realised that after waiting five, eight, ten years their children were just not
willing to go back. They never imagined a situation where they would have
to actually look around, be nice to people, humbly ask for an introduction as
the parents of a daughter and to their horror – even make the first move
towards speaking to a prospective groom’s family.

I know some parents whose pride just would not allow them to
“stoop” to this. Despite their connections in the community and the
masjid, they could not bring themselves to do these things. Then there
are the parents who deserve credit for trying to rise to the challenge.
They have absolutely no idea where to start but start asking their friends and
start looking at their networks. Often they will go to “aunties” that
arrange introductions and see if anyone suitable turns up. This is a slow
and haphazard way of doing things and it seems to yield results only on rare
occasions, mainly when the girl is still in her early twenties. It also
often leads to numerous introductions with highly unsuitable people that can
leave the family feeling humiliated, embarrassed and disheartened.

This had led to young people trying to find someone on their
own. I know a lot of people who have met their spouses at school or
university. The worry is that they will do something haram or immodest
and often they will be keen to formalise the relationship through marriage to
support this. I have found that most times these young people are
absolutely terrified of telling their parents. They have no idea what the
reaction will be or the consequences. Sometimes the parents will support
them, on other occasions all hell breaks loose with the parents refusing to
accept someone they have not chosen. A war of attrition follows with one
side or the other eventually breaking down and capitulating to the will of the
other. The concern with these marriages is that the parents have no
involvement and there is no-one to caste a mature eye over the prospective
spouse and offer sensible advice as to their suitability. I know girls
who have married the man they met at university and then outgrown them as they
matured and became mothers. They are stuck with men who can be childish
and irresponsible or who have not shared their wife’s journey in coming closer
to her faith which can also be a bone of contention.

For those who spent university studying and
refusing to look at boys, once they have finished their studies, the process
starts from scratch. Often they realise that the “professional aunties”
proposals are mainly for guys that just can’t find anyone for some
reason. These are brothers whose parents are trying to fix their problem
using the supposed magic cure-all of marriage. The problem being drug
addiction (I know a sister who this happened to who has suffered her entire
married life), constant partying and clubbing, having a non-Muslim girlfriend
they are trying to get rid of, homosexuality (I know a lovely sister who almost
got landed with this too and another that clocked on the day of her nikah and then
had to get a divorce in a panic) or some mysterious undisclosed illness that
you don’t find out about till much later. This is not to discredit the
aunties, they are trying in a confusing and challenging environment and they
are trying to help others for free. Sometimes they even find a successful
match (although I am yet to see this happen personally).

Once sisters see that this option is not going
to work they turn to internet matrimonial sites. Some of these are, or
previously have been useful. I know a handful of people who have found
spouses this way. I have noticed that when a new site is set up, it
starts well with sincere people joining up in the hope of finding someone and
some success stories emerging. Then as time goes by the timer-wasters and
cheaters find it and start trying to use it to target vulnerable women (or
maybe even men, I don’t know) to string along and try and get cash out
of. I am amazed at how many women I have come across that this has
happened to who are in debt because of guys who are long gone. Before
long, the whole of the world’s visa-hunters have joined the site in the hope
that they will be able to form enough of a connection with someone to reel them
in. I note there are a few halal/Islamic matrimonial sites that are
trying to vet members in an attempt to stop this happening and I sincerely hope
that they are successful in their attempts.

If the internet does not yield results and the parents are still
in denial about their duties, then sisters are having to look further
afield. There seems to be a profusion of matrimonial events (a bit like
speed-dating but with your mum or big sisters tagging along and no touching of
any kind). Sisters are telling me that for every brother there are about
ten sisters and it can be quite embarrassing. More recently these seemed
to have evolved so that ratios of men to women are managed and certain
audiences are targeted – professionals, over 30’s, divorcees etc. I
haven’t heard many success stories for these either, but it may be that there
are some, at least people are trying to offer something to help others.

That leaves lots of sisters in a pretty tough situation –
feeling hopeless, suffering from depression, feeling as if they are not good
enough. I know sisters who are miserable every day because they feel life
is passing them by. I know sisters who have gone against their parent’s
wishes to marry someone they have chosen and have lost their relationship with
their parents forever, I know sisters who have removed their headscarf in a bid
to find someone, or even find their selves. Easy to judge these sisters,
but I refuse to because they need our love and support and not our
self-righteous finger-pointing.

I know many brothers are suffering too, but their shelf-life
seems to be longer, sisters seem to be relegated to the dusty back room of
being “too old for a good prospect” so much sooner. I don’t have as much
of an ear to the stories of my brothers as I do to sisters, so I am not best
placed to comment on what they are going through. I meet so many sisters
who I know would make amazing wives and sisters. They would run their
homes with grace and bring up wonderful children, but their chance to do so
does not seem to be appearing and that makes me so sad for them.

This is the challenge of our in-between
generation. We have to drag our parents forward with us, we have been and
must continue to be patient with them and try to help them to understand what
we hope for from our married life (no easy task I know). We need to find
new effective and halal avenues for finding spouses which are not humiliating
for everyone involved – seems like a tall order right now.

I think firstly we need to start changing our mindsets about
spouses, not as someone who will meet the conditions on our checklists and then
once we are married serve as the answer to all of our inadequacies and fix and
complete us somehow. Instead we need to look past checklists to genuinely
look at the person we are meeting in a balanced and fair way. We need to
be willing to connect with the person for a short while to look into their
hearts and see if this is a good person who will treat us well. No easy
task, but we need to learn to use our intuition, to listen to our gut instinct
which Allah (SWT) has given women as a powerful sixth sense which we too often
ignore and suppress to our detriment.

Secondly sisters need to get out there and grow and make
themselves amazing. Too often we treat marriage as the thing that is
going to make our life amazing, fix the gaping hole in us, or take away our
anxieties and pain – seriously sister, IT WILL NOT. If we are troubled,
our marriage will be troubled. If we are sad and hurt, we will bring this
to the marriage and our spouse will be expected to fix this – how can he fix
what is inside of you? You will just end up with two sad, disappointed
people who are left deeply hurt.

So I believe sisters need to fix themselves – get the therapy,
self-love or healing they need. Reconcile with their inner child, find their
true voices and live authentically and with honesty with their selves.
Then you need to get out into the world and grow – develop social and community
networks, serve others and live according to the purpose Allah (SWT) created
for you. It seems to me that when you are desperately searching for a
spouse, that there is something about you that puts everyone off. This
means that the harder you try, the harder it gets. Conversely when you
are not looking, but seriously living – people start turning up like moths to a
flame and you have to start batting guys off all over the place – after all who
doesn’t want an interesting wife who cares for others and brings her whole self
to a marriage - flawed but genuine and open?

For sisters to heal themselves, make themselves whole and
healthy in this way and then start living their most amazing lives is a very,
very tough thing in a world where for many there are serious restrictions on
sisters from their families. I know I was keen to marry simply because I
was not allowed to go anywhere or do anything by my very protective parents and
I know my life would not begin until I was married. But I still think
that we can take small steps within our restricted lives and circles each day
to grow and come closer to being the amazing people we are meant to be.

Thirdly, those of us who are married and have good networks need
to support those who are looking to get married – do we know of people who are
looking who might be suitable for each other? Can we help to connect
people or pass on helpful information about people to others?

Most importantly we need to turn to Allah. So many sisters
pray and pray and beg Allah (SWT) for help in this situation. Sometimes
it must feel as if these duas (supplications) are not being answered. I
know there are sisters who I have been praying for in every salah for a long
time who are still single. But we must never, ever give up hope of
Allah’s help.

Abu Hurairah (may Allah be
pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
"The supplication of every one of you will be granted if he does not get
impatient and say (for example): `I supplicated my Rabb but my prayer has not
been granted'.'' ~ Al-Bukhari and Muslim.

I have found over time that some of my dua’s have taken a long
time to be accepted. I have realised that there is a good reason for
this. It has helped me to grow and it has helped me to truly appreciate
something that I am given (I’m thinking about how many years it took to tame my
temper as an example, rather than suddenly becoming a calm person
overnight).

I make dua that Allah (SWT) helps all of my brothers and sisters
find kind, affectionate and righteous spouses who make them happy in every
way. I also make dua that Allah makes those brothers and sisters
complete, whole, happy and righteous, so that they are fit for the spouses they
dream of. May Allah (SWT) make perfect pairs from amongst them and make
them the basis of a happy family who benefits everyone and righteous children
who bring nothing but good into this world. I also make dua that Allah
(SWT) makes it easy for our confused, bewildered and deeply anxious parents –
that he helps them to understand what their children need, to work together
with their children and to retain their dignity in the process insh’Allah.

This post is way too long and still does not
cover a fraction of what is going on regarding this issue. If you are
still reading I'd love to hear your thoughts. Or if you found something
that worked for you, please share so that others can benefit insh'Allah.

20 comments:

I was 17 when I converted I'm Arab background so I would have accepted marraige at 15 ( I was very ready to have my own home due to my unstable upbringing) despot all the marraige proposals from every nationality ( as I'm white skinned blue eyed this is what some men just want) I never accepted. Subhan Allah it was not my naseeb. I never went past any limit with a man and never dated, I wanted a muslim 100% so never cosidered a man who drank sometimes or went clubbing or gambled or had girlfriends. Alhumdulilah I met a man on the bus lol yes the bus he asked me out Mannnnnnyyyyyy times and never crossed into my space. So I told him the truth if u are serious ( he would ask me everyday for 3 months) ask for my hands. So mashallah he did on that day I called my mum. And he came in his work clothes he was embarrassed and I said if this is who you are, don't be embarrassed you have been working. And subhan Allah my mum accepted so he got my number. Mashallah he is the one I married at 22 years old. He also had no visa but I didn't care cause he was commuted to his mum and family and I knew the way he treated them would reflect the way he treated his wife and kids. Also I married for the sake of Allah swt I accepted my marraige might end in divorce, if I'm divorced I need to accept it and deal with it. Alhumdulilah we have 2 kiddies married many many years and I even live in his home country lol he got his papers for my country but he loves to live in his country because it is better for our deen.

I didn't love him until months after marraige but he is worth loving, he insists he loved me before and the fact I told him to go away when he approached me he knew I was a good girl and persisted to marry me lol. When it is your time to marry you will....... Marry a man who fears Allah swt if thy fear Allah they will never intentionally do wrong by you. As for this love thing....... Love comes after affection and intimacy before affection it is a crush or lust. As Muslims affection can not happen until we are married so sorry you might just need to marry without the love deal with it.

Yes but no woman notices you when you are physcially disabled, its like no one thinks you can get married and cares about your feelings. Please brothers and sisters pray that i could get married with someone that doesnt care about my disability.

Here in India, the arranged marriage scenario is quite similar to the one you mentioned, with aunties and marriage brokers leading the way. But as far as I see, among my relatives and in my extended family, there isn't any marriage that is truly a loving bond between husband and wife, with the 'spark' that you talked about. Most of the marriages are ways for parents to feel like they've done their duty by their children, and the married couple, after the initial honeymoon phase, just drag themselves along for their families and kids. No one seems to understand the true meaning of a marriage; it's all about adjusting your life away without creating too much trouble for your parents and the rest of the society.I love what you said about people bringing their troubles into their marriage. No one can 'fix' themselves completely as preparation to getting married, but they can at least be their own person, stable and balanced, without undue expectations from anyone else.

Salam wa alaykum ALL - some good friends know me as the Muslim reversion of Bridget Jones! Rushing into decision, funny scenarios and oh Lord the consequences! My first marriage was out of desperation (wanting someone to fix me, not really knowing my third cousin and failing to fall the faith of Islam) - This failed marriage took me on a journey of self-discovery which lead me closer to Almighty Allah. Alhamdula, I found my second husband, a wonderful practising man from back home with the help of my grandma!

The moral of my story is fall the deen, stay true to your intentions, keep making dua, exhaust all halal possibilities of finding a spouse and leave the rest to Allah. Allah SWT will take you on your own journey of self-discovery before your dua is accepted. Ameen.

jazak allah khair for a wonderful blog post - everything you said was spot on! insha allah may allah (swt) reward you for your kind duas for us single living lonely lives. i wish more married sisters thought like you.

the married sisters i unfortunately turned to for help are either too bitter in their own unhappy marriages, or jealous of the thought that a brother they suggested for me is better than her own husband. arrgh! don't they understand that no one man is meant for every woman and that allah (swt) may very well reward them for helping their single muslim friends complete half their deen. sigh...

it is truly a sad state for our ummah and i am tired of failing and i am older than you dear sister. :( another issue is that many muslims are making the intention that if marriage does not work out, divorce is easy. i know many who are getting divorced after only a few months, even weeks of marriage! you are super lucky you are married - alhumdulillah. may allah (swt) continue to grant you a super happy marriage! :)

Brilliant post. I truly wish I was married and blessed with a husband like you are but I have passed the "best before date" by community standards. My so-called married Muslim friends often recommend brothers they are secretly in love with and then become obviously visibly upset when I turn down these recommendations. Or some of my friends are doing haram before marriage, including living together, then getting married but I cannot throw away my self respect and dignity like they have to do this. This is happening too often in North America now . Muslims are suppose to support each other in a halal fashion. I wish I had understanding friends like you. My parents were too strict when I was in my 20's and I was never allowed to leave my home to socialize. I beg Allah (swt) to help me as I am truly alone in this world.

I loved your post and especially your empathy and no-judging attitude. Keep it up MashaAllah.

One of the things I have noticed is that people feel it's beneath them to try out internet-means to find a spouse. Baba Ali's initiative (half your deen, if I'm not wrong) is supposed to have connected many people in the bond of marriage. So that's one thing people can (and should, why not?) try out.

Another thing is asking around yourself. I'm from Pakistan and many friends of mine just wait for their families to take steps. Families sometimes don't realize that the urgency of this situation. They take it slow. Why not go ahead and talk to the aunties yourself. I agree this isn't the most ego-boosting thing in the world, but hey, why not make the effort.

Just thought I'd share some ways people can help themselves out without depending on anybody but Allah.

Sigh...another blog post about single unhappy muslim sisters with no real solutions that actually work. It's easy for married sisters to make "suggestions" as they are not single muslim and 30+. Believe us when we say we have tried everything, including websites and asking around, only to be insulted because we actually know what will truly make us happy in a future spouse. Maybe it's not meant to be for us despite the countless dua's and tears to Allah (swt)- that really sucks. :(

I feel you!! Same boat here but I'm reaching my 30's in couple of years and I bet my parents will wake up when I'm too old. I have gotten cases where muslim men have asked me on date but I brushed them off and they never came back again...apart from that nothing..so I keep living and being happy no matter what and praying to Allah and trying to learn more from my deen instead of dwelling on my singleness. It does get to me at some point but I remember Allah and things go back to normal for my heart!

I shared a link to this blog post with an Imam group supposedly dedicated to "marriage success" as they suddenly realize there is a divorce epidemic among Muslims, and I also included my comments on the realities of how difficult it is to get married today without resorting to haram - their useless response to this grave situation was simply: "Sister may you remain steadfast in your faith".

This was a great post mashaallah. You know subhannallah when I came to the point where you said and married sisters should support single sisters with the networks. I seriously made dua that I would do that once I got married. If I knew a sister really well and heard of a brother who might be good for her, inshallah I will help out!

Sister Umm Salihah ... Subhanallah. what an amazing post. I love your wisdom, your non-judgemental attitude and advice. I am in the middle of a marriage situation right now and would love to talk to u further if that is possible... Diamond

Muslim Child

About me

My passions include writing, books, bargain-hunting, dawah, crafts (cards, banners and jewellery), art, travel with my children, henna, being organised and the English countryside. You can contact me at umm_salihah@yahoo.co.uk