This is a discussion on INFP + INTJ relationship within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hello all!
So, I find myself in a relationship with an INFP male. :D Honestly, I'm delighted, but I'm finding ...

INFP + INTJ relationship

Hello all!

So, I find myself in a relationship with an INFP male. :D Honestly, I'm delighted, but I'm finding out now that INFP/INTJ relationships can end badly. So, without further ado: What are the potential pitfalls? And how can I avoid them?

I guess I should add that I really like this guy, so the reason I'm asking is just so I can make him happier.

What are the potential pitfalls? And how can I avoid them?
...so I can make him happier.

Hello...I'm sure other INFPs will start filling up this thread, with some more meaningful & in depth discussions for you, but two things came to mind, when reading your post (hope they might be useful):

1. The first thing I say might sound terribly simplistic (to a genius INTJ, haha), but I truly believe that a simple hug(!) and a (big) smile can go a very long way with an INFP... (e.g. first thing in the morning when you wake up together etc etc)... INFPs don't need too much, to make them feel content (erm, there's phrase, 'little things please little minds;... no offence to my fellow INFPs!!!!)... yeah, a hug and a smile could be used as a 'quick fix' shot of happiness, to give your INFP a reassuring, continuing sense that everything is still 'OK' with you two. Remember, INFPs (illogically, I'm learning!) are terriblly influenced by how things & people around them make them 'feel' emotionally - therefore, a hug & smile from you, whenever, will always be 'felt' as a positive 'sign' (even if you've just had a row, haha). Hope that makes sense. Just an idea.

2. The second thing is based on previous experience with an INTJ male. At the time, I didn't know much about MBTI. Since then, I've come across INTJ discussions on websites like this, which have been wonderfully insightful. Unfortunately, I didn't understand this INTJ trait at the time. OK, so my INTJ started trying to 'change' me... bigtime. It started off as a minor suggestion, but then escalated into a pattern of criticism after criticism. NOW, I understand a bit better, that according to INTJs (forgive me if I'm wrong), this is actually an indication that they care... that they've taken the time to bother analysing you & thought through how things & you can be improved, for the better... that this is an INTJ way of trying to help another person. Well, of course, at the time, I just thought he'd turned into a prize prick, and started becoming more & more distant, until attempting a signature INFP disappearing act...i.e. the typical INFP fight or flight escape mechanism, from all the perceived (in my mind, at the time) negativity & dislike, this INTJ appeared to suddenly 'feel' towards me. However, if you ever stumble across this type of pitful, with your INFP (hmmm, or maybe it was just me?!), I believe it could be very easily solved, by simply changing the manner in which you suggest the change, to sound more 'positive'...
...Erm, trying to think of some examples. So, an INTJ can come across sometimes as a bit 'blunt' to an overly sensitive INFP, when you're obviously just trying to cut out all the bulls**t, by being direct, & getting to the point. However, a little bit of bulls**t could sometimes help soften the blow, so that the INFP doesn't interpret constructive criticism as being an unprovoked personal attack (yep, any criticism can cut an INFP deeply to the core). Anyway, so, I know it sounds silly for getting upset over something seemingly petty, but my INTJ once had a go at me, for the way I stand & walk, and did an impression of me (in public). I tried to explain to him that I have scoliosis (the pain from which has gotten worse since then, with age, premature degenerating discs etc), but he appeared to think I was just trying to make up excuses. So, I took it as meaning he didn't like me anymore, because I don't walk sexily, like other girls etc etc, & told him to f*ck off & leave me alone. Now, if he had approached the issue in a slightly different way, I would have actually listened & taken his advice. For example, he could have bulls**tted just a little bit, by saying he'd read that good posture can have great health benefits, & help reduce back pain, and show me an example of how to stand & walk better, then get me to do it, and exclaim, "wow, you look so much sexier when you walk like that" (positive re-inforcement, haha)...

So, I find myself in a relationship with an INFP male. :D Honestly, I'm delighted, but I'm finding out now that INFP/INTJ relationships can end badly. So, without further ado: What are the potential pitfalls? And how can I avoid them?

I guess I should add that I really like this guy, so the reason I'm asking is just so I can make him happier.

The INFP-INTJ relationship is relations of benefit where INTJ plays the role of benefactor and INFP - beneficiary.
In this type of relationship make sure to spend some type apart from each other, otherwise you may end up overloading him by your Te and scare him off. This is frequently an attractive relationship type.

Be sure to listen to him! If you want to make an INFP suffer, brush us off and just stop listening to us! It'll be the quickest way to lose him, I can assure you.

Be sure to show your sensitive side. Yes, I strongly believe that behind the steely gaze that belongs to the INTJ, lies a very soft spot that wants to be loved and cherished just like everybody else. Let him be affectionate around you, and let him be as romantic as he wants to be.

This one is pretty easy since you're an introvert yourself- INFPs are known to love their time alone, so make sure to give him some space. I'm not saying away from YOU, per say, but away from the outside world- Parties, large crowds, rock concerts, and the likes are better enjoyed as a once-in-a-blue-moon-thing. Respect his need to inspect your friends from a safe distance... this is where we butt heads with other extroverts; we don't hate people, we just need time to warm up to ya!

Remember that us INFPs are artists at heart. We love to express ourselves through the means of paintbrushes, literature, acting, and so on. Feed his artistic urges by asking him to take up a pottery-making class next to him. (You'll get to be all INTJ on him by helping him perfect his pots, lol!)

Be sure to open up to him. We absolutely love it when the ones we love and care about open up to us and show us their souls. Tell him about your experiences as an INTJ, and that you are who you are and nothing will change it. He'll understand. Hope I helped!

The INFP-INTJ relationship is relations of benefit where INTJ plays the role of benefactor and INFP - beneficiary.

It's the other way around. INTj is the beneficiary.

Anyway, the one thing about INTJs is they tend to be oblivious to my emotions and theirs.

Also, the INTJs I know only give affirmation once "hey, you're really intelligent" and then it's meant to count forever or something, whereas I really need to be told why I'm valued every once in a while (since I'm a P and beliefs are continent on perceptions). I'll even take once a month.

Anyway, the one thing about INTJs is they tend to be oblivious to my emotions and theirs.

Also, the INTJs I know only give affirmation once "hey, you're really intelligent" and then it's meant to count forever or something, whereas I really need to be told why I'm valued every once in a while (since I'm a P and beliefs are continent on perceptions). I'll even take once a month.

I'm an INFP girl and was talking this INTJ guy. Eh..., he was a fucking disaster! Of course it was online and he never approached women in person, only on the pc. Well to make a long story short, he was a borderline sociopath!

The INFP-INTJ dynamic fascinates me. I do not know whether I have ever met an NTJ type so perhaps real life interpersonal interaction would shed light on this but I honestly do not see how these two types work. Perhaps they don't, perhaps the relationship only operates because the INFP perceives the Fi deep inside the INTJ and becomes a missionary in trying to blast it up from the small crack in the ocean floor it inhabits. I myself would be intrigued to know because from my reflections it seems reminiscent of having an affair with a boss or manager with professional rather than personal undertones.

I can only speak for myself and hope that as an INFP male I can perhaps be a suitable ambassador to answer your question without breeding tl;dr inanity. But some suggestions:

1) He may (either in short term periods with long intermissions or long term periods with short intermissions) idolize the relationship and idolize you. If he values the set-up sufficiently he may convince himself that the situation is perfect and matches his ideals and in the bliss focus on only how it matches his perfect vision and not how it doesn't. As he's essentially forgotten the floor is beneath his feet he may fail to realise he's figuratively ran off a cliff and come crashing down to Earth with a thud. This could materialise in insecurity where he wonders how he's good enough for you and what he believes to exist or he could (especially if he takes a comment personally and the wrong way) abruptly see the flaws in what was built and become uneasy in the relationship. In my life the concept of relationships seem to be an embodiment of utopia where fantastic relationships would become a silver bullet to achieve happiness, fulfilment and accomplishment all in one. If this was the case then he may begin to reject the relationship on the grounds that it lacks the utopia he may crave for deep down.

To combat the above I suggest trying to become like an anchor who keeps him attached to the ground, advising him that an imperfect relationship is not a failed relationship, that he has enough good points and can work on any negatives and that utopia isn't a pre-requisite for happiness.

2) Alternatively if he doesn't convince himself that the new relationship is without faults (approaches the situation without idealism) he may endlessly evaluate your worth in his life, perhaps going as far as secretly trying to determine whether you are worth his time (may be inferior Te) and whether he values his commitment and time with you as much as he values other things. I've seen an INTJ be dumped for these reasons by an INFP before online and it wasn't a pretty sight. You probably don't have much leverage in a situation like this and I can only apologise if this occurs. It wouldn't be case of he didn't value you but that it was "less than" e.g. value "n" which he would of had to sacrifice. The only solution would perhaps be to convince him that other values can still be held whilst in a relationship e.g. something you are both interested in and can both enjoy.

3) He would want to make you happy because if he does value you he would feel like a screw-up or a dick if he pissed you off or disappointed you. Tell him what you want and how you feel about a certain issue, if he's anything like me he would value honesty. If he seems to become distant after then he probably doesn't disagree with you (that would be an inflexibility response or answering you back) but may have become over-sensitive to what or how was said. For example he may see the value in an insight of yours but become withdrawn because it compromises his system of values in some way and he needs to go away and mull it over. The Ne likes outside input but Fi needs time with it alone. He can handle the truth, he just needs to be alone to process it and if need be bounce back. Give him time to reflect in his own thoughts and he will be fine. He will probably be the same way with you, allowing you time alone and reflect/think when you need to. This can cover a wide range from a subject to even any irrationality or unrealistic ideas he may have expressed.

4) Be yourself with him, don't become someone else in an effort to impress at any point. The Fi is interested in authenticity more than anything. If you want to change be sure you value it from within.

I hope I've covered enough points. I'm a bit critical of my type as a whole but I hope it has helped.

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