Parenting

Perhaps there is nothing more inevitable in youth ministry. It will happen. No matter what you do, how hard you try, or how good of a job you do, it will happen. It’s an eventuality and inevitability: parents will get angry and you will have to deal with it. Even though it’s something we all face, it’s also one of the more difficult parts of the job. Handle it the wrong way and you won’t be handling it much more. Furthermore, if you don’t handle it well it can steal your influence and steal your ministry. Learning how to deal with angry parents is a must for youth workers who want to lead next level!

Unfortunately, I’ve had to deal with more than my share of angry parents over the years. The good news is that out of these experiences I have learned 5 steps to take to defuse the situation. Just last week we held an all night event off campus. As you probably guessed, that meant dealing with some angry parents!

The good news was I had a process to handle it. It’s a tried and true process that has proven me well over 12 years of ministry, and I want to share it with you. So here are five steps to take when dealing with angry parents.

1) Recognize

The first step in dealing with angry parents is to recognize what went wrong. It’s important to verbally recognize what went wrong to the parent. The truth is they already know what went wrong. They may not know the why, but they know the problem.

In the case I mentioned above, it was clear part of our group arrived late. At this point, it didn’t matter why we were late, it just mattered that we were. The most constructive thing I could do was recognize what went wrong and own it. This step alone makes a huge difference in dealing with angry and frustrated parents. Once they know you recognize mistakes were made and that you see what they see, it usually calms them down.

“When dealing with angry parents, it’s important to see what they see.”

2) Apologize

The next step is to apologize. What do you mean? What if it wasn’t my fault? What if there was nothing I could have done differently? I hear this from youth workers all too often. No one likes to admit when they’re wrong, and it’s hard to apologize when you feel like you haven’t messed up. That’s not the point though.

The point is we can ALWAYS apologize for something. A good rule of thumb for me is to apologize for whatever I can. My pride doesn’t like it, but it makes a huge difference in dealing with upset parents. I apologized for getting students home late. I apologized for not communicating better, even though I don’t know that I could have made it any better. I wished I could have, so I apologized for what I could.

Don’t let you pride get in the way of salvaging the situation. Apologize for what you can and move on. It may not feel great, but it will help a great deal.

“When dealing with angry parents, apologize for what you can.”

3) Empathize

The third step in dealing with angry parents is to empathize. Try to feel what they’re feeling. Instead of bowing up and taking the emotional arrows personally, feel what they’re feeling.

I’m convinced that no other step in this process makes as great of an impact. It’s the most important step you can take. It’s also the most unnatural for me. I’m not a real emotional or empathetic guy. I generally feel for people more than feeling with them, and I hate to be wrong. The competitive and prideful spirit in me fights this step, but I lean into God’s Spirit as hard as I can here. Why? Because this step is vital to successfully dealing with angry parents.

Feel what they feel and apologize again if necessary. Let them know you understand the situation is frustrating, inconvenient, or difficult. Put yourself in their shoes and let them know you feel with them. Show them your heart for them as a parent. Nothing makes a bigger difference in these situations.

“When dealing with angry parents, try to feel what they feel.”

4) Reorganize

Now it’s time to reorganize the conversation. Call back what you’ve heard them say, what you recognize happened to cause it, and how it made them feel. Then, tell them what steps you’ll take for a better outcome next time. Reorganizing the conversation lets the parent know you’ve heard them, understand them, and you want to do something about it.

It’s difficult for most people to stay mad when they feel like these things have happened. Often, I find angry parents just want vent, and this let’s them know you’ve heard and care.

“When dealing with angry parents, let them know they’ve been heard.”

5) Energize

At this point, thank them for their patience, understanding, honesty, support, etc. Thank them for whatever you can, even if it’s more what you hope to receive. Then, let them know you hope they have a great day, and pray for them if you can. It may sound silly, but this has a way or reframing the whole conversation and ending it on a bright and hopeful note.

The previous steps diffuse the situation, but this step helps turn it. They came to you upset, you want them to leave hopeful. In essence, it’s all about letting them know you care. And nothing turns a conversation like knowing the person on the other side cares.

While the other steps diffuse problems, this step wins fans. Some of the best parent supporters I’ve had came after critical conversations like this. This step will help take your ministry to parents to the next level!

“When dealing with angry parents, thank them and let them know you care.”

One final note, always remember to stay gentle and even. A gentle answer turns away wrath. You can’t be a leader if you can’t keep your cool. I hope this process helps turn your next conversation with an angry parent into an incredible win!

Much of what we do in children’s ministry involves equipping parents with tools for their most important job: parenting. Communication is a key aspect of parenting, so it’s important that we provide opportunities for parents to learn to communicate more effectively with their children. What a better time to do this than the beginning of the school year?

It’s the season of school supplies and schedules. Social media is filled with first day photos, and stores are a sea of golden yellow and character-themed backpacks. It’s time for Back to School. While this season can be exciting for children (and especially their parents), parents can quickly get back into the day-to-day rut of asking How was school today? and receiving the dreaded answer: Fine.

Start the Conversation

It leaves parents wondering about what their children do all day and why they have so little to say about it. So how do we, as children’s ministers and parents, help our children talk about school? Let me suggest some guided questions, to encourage our children to spill the beans about what they do for nearly 40 hours per week. Instead of asking How was your day?, try asking questions like these:

What was your favorite thing about school today?

Who did you sit with at lunch?

What friends/classmates were you excited to see?

What was trending at school today?

Tell me something funny that happened at school.

What did you play at recess (or at PE/Physical Education)?

Did you act like Jesus today? How?

What is your favorite word on the spelling list?

Which is your best subject? How do you know that you’re good at it?

Ask Probing Questions

Let’s say that that the child has had a rough day. It’s important that we allow our child the chance to be vulnerable and that we provide a safe place for her to talk about how she feels, even when emotions are less than happy. Here are some ways to get her talking about it in order to work through the tough emotions:

When did you start to feel sad?

Did someone say something that hurt your feelings today?

Who are the popular kids in your class? Do you feel a part of that group? What do you have in common? What makes you different?

Tell me the worst part of your day.

Which is your hardest subject in school? Do you think you’re good at it?

How did you feel when ________? (Insert the less-than-happy thing that the child mentioned.)

Validate Feelings

It’s important to validate our children’s feelings. We want to let them know that we care, and that their problems are real problems, no matter how small they may seem to grown-ups. To validate a child’s feelings, say things like:

I’m so sorry that you felt that way.

That must have really hurt.

Wow, that would make me sad, too.

What a mean thing to say! (if your child mentions something mean that was said to him/her)

That’s a normal feeling, baby. It’s okay to feel sad.

When you feel down, remember that your family (and God) loves you dearly. Picture us giving you a big hug. You are never alone.

Problem-Solve

Now let’s move to problem-solving. After we validate, there may be some guided questions that can help our children come up with solutions to their own problems. First offer your help and then ask if she would like you to brainstorm ideas with her. While we can’t control what happens in our child’s school day, we can help her consider solutions to make the next day a better one. Here are some suggestions:

What might be a good way to ask for help when you get stumped on a problem?

Are there lonely children that you might be able to help? How can you offer your help?

What might be a good response to someone who says something mean? (That hurt my feelings. I don’t like when you say that to me. Those are mean words.)

What can you do tomorrow to have a better day?

With some practice, we can help parents learn effective ways to talk about their child’s school day. When this happens, we help families develop strong communication skills, which will build a foundation for talks about so many things. Who knows? Our children may even begin to talk about their school day, as well as their concerns, hurts, and fears, without even hearing the question: How was your day?

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