Doodlings and ramblings on what a f*cking disaster parenthood can be…

Ah – summer! Glorious summer, season of BBQs and garden fun and long days frolicking on the lawn…

Alpha Mummy and her precious darlings enjoy every moment, playing in and tending to the garden, hats on at all times, of course (no burnt noses for her children, thank you very much).

…Except wait – as you know, I am Beta Mummy. By June, the “lawn” is up around the toddler’s shoulders, there are significantly more dandelions than there is grass, and the bloody neighbourhood cats have used the garden as their winter litter tray.

Unable to pass it off as a “nature project” any longer, and with the kids moaning that they can’t see over the weeds, I muster up all my energy, and beat a path to the shed with a broken spade. After what feels like several days, I make it – hoorah! Of course, the padlock has rusted up over the winter, and it takes several minutes of key-wiggling, cursing, and kicking the shed door until I finally force it open. Immediately, the kids and the stupid cat wriggle their way into the crannies of the shed, out of my reach due to the shed being like the Black Hole of Calcutta and jam-packed with bikes we don’t use, garden tools (ditto), half-used tins of paint and several mildewy sun loungers.

Groaning and heaving, I lug the 20-year old knackered lawn mower out, then go back to retrieve the children. The cat can sort herself out (note to self – don’t lock her in later). Fetch the extension lead. Plug it in. Not working, the bastard. Go back inside, switch plugs. Not working. Wiggle everything. Lawn mower clicks a little. Loose wire, brilliant. Gaffa tape. Seems to do the trick. Start mowing, woo! I’m a domestic goddess, an independent woman who don’t need no man to mow my lawn for me (no dodgy pun intended).

Grass collector falls off. Fucking thing. Clip has snapped, fucking fuck. Bungy cord – it’s not pretty, but it works! I am a clever engineer-type. Mow a bit more, crunching up the toys/rocks/creatures as I go (sorry toad). Grass collector is full. Undo bungy cord, empty collector. Can’t get the bloody thing to go back on again. Getting fed up now. Feral child #1 offers to help, insisting that he’s a bit of an expert at lawn mowers. Remember Feral child #2. He is “explorin'” – i.e. mashing up slugs on the path. Joy. (Should I be worried – psychopathic tendencies?)

Mower sorted, working again. Feral Child #1 now riding on the mower; I figure that at least he’s not in front of/under the mower, although he is bloody heavy. Wish that I’d mowed earlier in the year, as the long grass is jamming up the blade every 5 sodding minutes. Neighbour pops her head over the wall to tell me that I “shouldn’t have let it get so long”. Bite my tongue to refrain from telling her to F-off.

Grass collector falls off again. I jump up and down, loudly ranting and raging, kicking the mower and possibly breaking my toe. It has taken me nearly 2 hours to mow approximately 1/20th of my garden. That’s it, I give up. My lawn looks like it has mange, but I need wine. Lots of wine. And a sexy gardener.

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Have you been watching me gardening because the whole axe wielding and attempt at getting in the shed sounds all too familiar. The bloody cats also have a tendency to use our lawn as a litter tray too 😤, little shits. You are also not alone when I see my son happily stamping on ants I do wonder about his psychotic tendencies, hope he’ll just stick at being an ant murderer and not advance to anything larger. Ok maybe spiders just to save his mummy of course.

I hate mowing my lawn and I resent the fact it grows so quickly! Luckily Mini doesn’t yet want to wander out there, especially with something so noisey. (She does clearly fear for my safety though, and therefore cries the entire time I’m doing it!)

Hahahahahaha. Makes me glad (for once) that I don’t have a garden and just tiny patio, although if it meant I had to get Poldark round to hack at my grass then I would very much like an overgrown lawn. Briliant as always!

Nightmare! Love your illustrations though. Our lawn sounds like yours. My fiance mows the lawn and I cut the bushes. I cut through the hedgetrimmer wire, I’m almost certain this will relieve me of my duties. Have you considered sabotage? Set fire to the mower? Or perhaps the lawn!

Just brilliant. My garden is not dissimilar to this and my children are also feral. Last time my parents visited my dad mowed the lawn, such was the shame he felt for me. Thanks for coming along to #chucklemums 😀

What is it with grass collectors they always fall off? Much more fun to pull jungle weeds out of blades and celebrate 10 fingers still intact after. Livin’ on the edge. ooh a sexy gardener what wouldn’t i do for one of those. Hello Mellors! Maybe all us bloggers could crowdfund a few and share them out? love the post 🙂 Jo #Chucklemums

My brother in law has invested in fake grass and they do all seem much more peaceful (and less ant invested) than us during garden/jungle playtime! I am so sorry for your trials, I do hope a sexy gardener is reading this!!! BUT it did make for a very funny post so every cloud… #chucklemums

xD I feel your pain! My dad keeps giving me unsolicited gardening advice all the time about weeds, and regular mowing. My view is that until the grass gets so long I can no longer see the toddler, it’s fine. Out front, I put off cutting the hedge so long my mother-in-law took pity on us and booked a bloke to come and do it for us. I saw the judgement in her eyes but I took the offer all the same, lol. #KCACOLS

And this is exactly why I let N do all of the gardening and laugh heartily when the kids drives him batshit while he tries to move the lawn or faff about digging a new bloody border that the cats will just use as a glorified toilet.
I get my comeuppance for this when they scatter my clean laundry all over the house while I’m not looking.
#KCACOLS

Haha so funny. This sounds like me the ONE time I attempted to mow the lawn l. Don’t think I’ve ever found anything so stressful. Mowing the lawn is left to the husband now, although he rarely has much joy either..we tend to leave the grass get to jungle status too before we do anything about it!xx hope you find a sexy gardener! #KCACOLS

Ha! My daughter was desperate to mow the lawn when we went to visit my parents. She kept making my dad take her to she shed and get out the mower so she could try to push it. We don’t have a lawn at home – I kind of wish we did, but I also know I couldn’t really be arsed taking care of it. #KCACOLS

just no no no no!! The cat shit stone – noooooooo! OMG I do love this and was so so pleased to see you on a linky – have missed you! You never disappoint! I am all over the sexy gardener! do it! #KCACOLS

Haha, brilliant! Can your feral child please come round and massacre some of my slugs? I found a colony the other day under a pot (they’d clearly been having a feast on the poor plant that was in the pot!), and I didn’t know what to do with them. I put them in a plastic flowerpot, turned it upside down and put a plate on top of it… Husband said I was cruel! Great pictures as always! #KCACOLS

Oh how funny! I hate mowing my garden too! You garden sounds like my old garden before i moved- it was hard work and i’m sure the grass was made of extra tough blades of grass! I like the idea of a hunky gardener though 🙂 Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday.

Ha ha, I love this! Love your drawings. I had a neighbour comment on the fact that my hedge needed a trim (garden hedge for you dirty minded people!), I could have swung for him if I was trying to carry 2 kids and shopping into the house! #KCACOLS

We’ve gone to the dark side and have astro-turf! Just a quick hoover and it’s all done. To be fair our ‘lawn’ is about 30cm square but at lEast it always looks neat, until the cat shits on it of course! #stayclassymama

Oh my word, thankfully the yard is hubby’s baby and I don’t stress it. We did have our ride on die and now he walks 15k every week (yes you read that right-we live in the country!) So glad he does. The sticky rock….lol #KCACOLS

Haha brilliant! Our garden was like this a few weeks ago, I couldn’t deal. I traded chores with my husband so I didn’t have to go through this trauma. He got hacking, weed wacking and mowing – and I got bathroom/toilet and swim class. Pretty sure I won that one. My son also loves to ‘play with slugs’ – nice! #stayclassymama

This is hilarious, and totally me! From the way our neighbors act, I thought I was the only one who ever let the grass get long enough to jam up the blades haha. I could definitely do with a gardener-you’d think in 2016, we’d have better options for cutting the grass! #KCACOLS