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Am I A Bad Woman For Not Wanting Children?

In this series I share honestly about something that’s affected me or I want to speak up about. A lot of us fear being punished if we speak up and it’s time for this to change and to regain our voices.

Am I A Bad Woman For Not Wanting Children?

It’s about am I a bad woman for not wanting children – and why it’s about so much more than patriarchy.

This is a subject which tends to make some folks go right for the jugular, so if that’s you feel free to click away.

I’m talking to every woman who has ever had the question ‘do I want children?’ and even ‘am I glad I had my own children?’ and the tangle that is this subject in our own minds and bodies and society in general.

I’m writing this as 5 friends are due to give birth and and as this post is published, 5 new babies have been safely welcomed into the world and it’s so beautiful: from 2 months premature to 2 weeks overdue.

So the timing is good as it needs to be okay to have children, and okay to not have children, but yet it isn’t.

It took me years to feel clear on this and I’m writing so other women can be supported and helped by my own experience.

Do I Want Children?

The biggest question in every human’s life.

It’s independent of whether we are a woman, a man, trans, gay, bi, het, pan – and every variation in between.

It’s independent of whether we are able to have children biologically (my godparents had that nightmare, I grew up with lots of adopted children in my class and I’ve donated eggs myself – so I have history with this one).

It’s independent of the Fucking Amazing Thing that is reliable contraception. I know the side effects can be a real fucker and that’s another post, but still, RELIABLE CONTRACEPTION.

So, The Big Question:

Do I want children?

It starts when we are little girls and the expectation that female = produces children goes into our minds and bodies.

Whether you have parents who didn’t treat you differently because you were female (like I did) or your parents stopped you doing what the boys did, we pick up expectations.

I assumed for a long time it wouldn’t happen because I was unlikely to meet the man I would want children with until I was past ‘childbearing age’ (hate that term).

I donated eggs (yes, super painful and yes, I believe woman should be paid. Men are paid and they just come into a jar. Women have drugs and a medical procedure under a general and we don’t get paid?)

I went back and forth on it, do I, don’t I, do I, don’t I.

Then I met my man and the pieces clicked in.

I Don’t Want Children

I don’t want children.

I am happy that somewhere out there may be my biological children brought up by the parents who used my eggs (except there aren’t, I checked). Still, the process helped a lot and I gave them the chance.

My man had a 15 year old son when I met him and so I had a stepson.

I stopped worrying after that. It was okay. I let go.

I’m not his mum, he already has one of those and she did an amazing job.

I’m the partner of his father, the woman who made his dad happy again.

I’m the woman who is there to support him, like the supportive role of a parent without the ‘go to bed right now’ part.

I’ll be very happy to be a gran to his children if he has them.

There isn’t a word for my role, as I’m not really his step mum, or his mum, or like an aunt. No words for these things.

It’s so much easier when you let go and you know where you fit.

I’m A Granny Not A Mother

Elizabeth Gilbert in her book Committed talks about being one of society’s aunts, that along history there has been a consistent percentage of women without children who have been the supportive aunts. The extra pair of hands without her own childcare responsibilities.

I love the idea – it makes so much sense, but that’s not it either.

I’m not an aunt. I feel like I was meant to be a granny.

To be there as a support, to enjoy the beauty of children in a different way.

As I was growing up I had fabulous grandparents I lived around the corner from.

We went on holidays, I have special history and experiences with them. My own mug, our own little rituals, holidays, days out, my grandpa taught me dominoes and I got my love of all things green from him. I’m looking forward to being a granny if my stepson has children.

It’s not like I can explain what the difference is, who can?

But knowing brings a sense of calm and groundedness about it.

So Why Am I A Bad Woman?

Because I am happy with my choice of not having children.

Because I stopped feeling bad about it.

Women are meant to feel bad, guilty, shameful about ourselves and our choices.

Because women are meant to have children and if we don’t, we are evil.

Yes.

Evil.

Look at the reactions – from the press to every day conversations.

You find me more than a minority of people who are truly comfortable with a woman choosing to say no.

About anything.

N0.

NO.

NO.

It’s even worse than a mother who says she regrets having her children or only had them because she didn’t know how to say no (and I know a few).

At least she did her duty and spawned.

Because It Has Nothing To Do With Children

It’s about Power is what it’s about.

That’s what the reaction is about.

A woman of low status with children is kept under control.

A woman of high status with sons provides the next generation to pass the property down to.

If you think I’m exaggerating, remember a bloke called Henry? It was a while ago. Couldn’t get sons and it caused a little trouble.

Men cannot produce babies. They can only add a squiggly thing and they can’t guarantee they are the parent.

So in a patriarchal world, men are dependent on women for what matters most: passing property and genes down the line.

Even now, children usually take the surname of the father in most Western cultures. Why not the surname of the mother?

Because it’s the family name and conditioning so strong it goes unnoticed. I mean why should the family name matter? Because it’s power and patriarchy.

It’s not the norm everywhere: Finnish men for example, don’t suddenly lose their testicles when their children have the mother’s name (which is the case in my friend’s family).

Even women will support the tyranny of witch hunting women who choose not to have children. Probably because traditionally women had power only through the household and children. Saying no acknowledges the lack of choice women have had – and that’s not a pretty thing to want to acknowledge.

When Women Choose It Threatens

When women choose the biggest of all decisions, to have or not to have children, it affects more than them.

It’s a society thing. Like marriage and divorce, which is a legal state and nothing to do with a relationship (why can’t we just end the marriage? Why is a judge involved unless there is dispute?).

If women choose fully and completely to not have children and it is accepted, it’s the thin end of the wedge.

What else will happen? OMG, THE WORLD WILL END!

It’s the same arguments for the vote, for equal pay, for why women get the bulk of the responsibility for housekeeping. I am sure you can think of many more.

After all, you live it every day.

Keep us in our places and the men get to keep the world they made so comfy.

(We can skip the argument about not all men are like this and how patriarchal culture harms men too. That’s not a discussion for right here).

Women Have The Power

Ultimately, men cannot give birth.

Men are dependent on women to continue their line, to pass down property, the family name, their genes, to defy death.

Hence the control.

And until the balance of power tips to men who are fully masculine and feminine – women who don’t want children are bad and evil and are vilified.

Because we do not know our place.

Women Are Pioneering The New Global Economy

On the other hand, women with businesses are pioneering the global new economy.

The world senses it.

It knows it’s happening.

You can see the signs and the patriarchal resistance.

Just look at any newspaper or any news report.

We’re getting stronger, women, daily there are more of us women pioneers.

We are waking up.

We Are Speaking Up.

We are saying no. No more.

Because this state of affairs isn’t good for anyone, men included.

And most of these women are mothers, so ironically, it’s the women with children as well as the barren unnatural freak of nature childless women who are Changing The World.

HAH.

Are You Part Of The New Global Economy Of Women?

Are You A Bad Woman For Not Wanting Children?

Commit to sharing your experience with one person today and share with me if you would like to.

In this series I share honestly about something that’s affected me or I want to speak up about. A lot of us fear being punished if we speak up and it’s time for this to change and to regain our voices.

Support: The book that is spreading across the world, Burning Woman by Lucy Pearce is a life changer must buy, whether you devour it immediately or take support from it sitting on your shelf reminding you of your courage.