I don't think any of this is about your DH at all. It's about Bill and his mother and their relationship. The fact that she and your DH had a good relationship at the time, shows, I think, that she was trying hard to accept an aspect of her son's life that she obviously didn't like.

I suspect that she did genuinely like your DH, and would still, if not for the situation. As a poster said above, she's apparently thrilled with his new lifestyle, and terrified that he'll 'relapse'.

That doesn't excuse her behaviour, but I don't think your DH should feel like this is a personal slight against him.

That's what I thought too. I told DH on the phone to realize that Mother's stance on the issue is her problem, not his. He was never anything but polite and respectful to her when he and Bill were dating, so if she is having problems now, then that is her problem.

I told him to keep a saying in mind, "What other people think of me is none of my concern."

I have to wonder if Bill's mother pressured him out of his homosexuality. The whole scenario just seems odd to me. Bill certainly seems a bit spineless, but I can't blame him for not inviting your DH. I just hope that he doesn't wake up after a few years married to Amanda, and say 'I'm gay after all'. That would cause heartache all around.

That exact same thought went through my head, but I didn't mention it to DH. Though he and I are very happy together, and I can't imagine anything driving us apart, I know that deep-down he still has feelings for Bill. He confessed that to me early in our relationship, and I understand. I have an ex, as well, that I still have feelings for. Just because you are with someone new, and just because you love that person deeply, doesn't mean that old feelings will still suddenly vanish. It takes time, and in regards to Bill (for DH) and my ex (for me), those feelings haven't yet fully faded.

Though I do think that there is a possibility that Mother pressured Bill to get rid of DH and date (and, perhaps, marry) a woman, I don't know that for sure. I didn't want my suspicions to cause DH any more pain or doubt.

So, eHellions, what are your thoughts? Is DH overreacting here? Or, do you think he is okay being upset about what happened with his non-existent wedding invitation? I think his anger/frustration is justified.

I'd be upset, too. My immediate reactions would be first A) What a vicious old woman to give a silly ultimatum to her own son about his wedding, and then B) What a vicious old woman to bar me from the wedding just because I was her son's ex. That woman's got issues. And, finally... B) Why on earth did Bill even mention this to me? If he'd kept his mouth shut then my feelings wouldn't have been involved whatsoever. Instead, Bill apologized for something to rid his consciousness of the guilt and ended up MAKING me feel bad. I'm angry that Bill even brought it up.

Bill caused so much more harm by saying ANYTHING. He should've kept the apology to the minimum about the restaurant scene. Instead, what he did was rid his conscious of guilt for not issuing the invitation... but he caused your DH pain for it. Tsk. Isn't that the opposite of what an apology is supposed to do? Aren't we only supposed to apologize to mend a fence? And if an apology would cause more harm than good, are we not supposed to suffer in our guilt? (Okay, maybe not suffer, but chalk it up to doing what's best for the person who would feel harmed.)

Bill's mother clearly stands apart as an example of what no one on earth should act like...ever... And I'd probably go on and on about how horrible she is, but I don't think that would do much good. However, I'm not really sympathizing with Bill when he caused more harm than good with his apology. Bill's probably sleeping soundly now that he got all that off his chest.

I'd try to tell DH that those people are, for the most part, in his past. And that's where the hurt from them all can stay. He doesn't have to let their transgressions continue with him.

It sounds like he might be in that stage where he's mad (and rightly so), but he doesn't want to be mad, because he realizes that he gives the situation that much more power over him if he continues to be mad... I'd give him a little time to rant or vent about it, but also encourage him to plan things so soon he'll be engrossed in a positive activity and more likely to sooner forget about the unpleasantness.

I don't think any of this is about your DH at all. It's about Bill and his mother and their relationship. The fact that she and your DH had a good relationship at the time, shows, I think, that she was trying hard to accept an aspect of her son's life that she obviously didn't like.

I suspect that she did genuinely like your DH, and would still, if not for the situation. As a poster said above, she's apparently thrilled with his new lifestyle, and terrified that he'll 'relapse'.

That doesn't excuse her behaviour, but I don't think your DH should feel like this is a personal slight against him.

I agree.

and really - we don't know *exactly* what she knows. maybe at the time Bill said things about your DH? maybe she sees DH as the one who *hurt* her son?

at any rate, there are many cases (without all of this particualar background) where it isn't appropriate for an ex to attend the wedding of an ex. it sounds like your DH and Bill reached a "friendLY" place but i wouldn't call them "friends".

I have to wonder if Bill's mother pressured him out of his homosexuality. The whole scenario just seems odd to me. Bill certainly seems a bit spineless, but I can't blame him for not inviting your DH. I just hope that he doesn't wake up after a few years married to Amanda, and say 'I'm gay after all'. That would cause heartache all around.

That exact same thought went through my head, but I didn't mention it to DH. Though he and I are very happy together, and I can't imagine anything driving us apart, I know that deep-down he still has feelings for Bill. He confessed that to me early in our relationship, and I understand. I have an ex, as well, that I still have feelings for. Just because you are with someone new, and just because you love that person deeply, doesn't mean that old feelings will still suddenly vanish. It takes time, and in regards to Bill (for DH) and my ex (for me), those feelings haven't yet fully faded.

Though I do think that there is a possibility that Mother pressured Bill to get rid of DH and date (and, perhaps, marry) a woman, I don't know that for sure. I didn't want my suspicions to cause DH any more pain or doubt.

I think that you're very wise. You're right that feelings for exes don't just vanish, absolutely. I think that this is one of those 'least said, soonest mended' situations.

I'm sensing a woman who had to fight really hard to accept the fact that her son preferred someone of the same gender, and is deathly afraid that he will go back to that "undesired" lifestyle if given even a miniscule chance. To me, this screams "wait".

This is what I was thinking, too.

Logged

I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished. Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

I have to wonder if Bill's mother pressured him out of his homosexuality. The whole scenario just seems odd to me. Bill certainly seems a bit spineless, but I can't blame him for not inviting your DH. I just hope that he doesn't wake up after a few years married to Amanda, and say 'I'm gay after all'. That would cause heartache all around.

That's one possibility, the other being simply that Bill was and still is bisexual. I'm assuming Amanda knows about it as well and doesn't have a problem with it?

I don't think any of this is about your DH at all. It's about Bill and his mother and their relationship. The fact that she and your DH had a good relationship at the time, shows, I think, that she was trying hard to accept an aspect of her son's life that she obviously didn't like.

I suspect that she did genuinely like your DH, and would still, if not for the situation. As a poster said above, she's apparently thrilled with his new lifestyle, and terrified that he'll 'relapse'.

That doesn't excuse her behaviour, but I don't think your DH should feel like this is a personal slight against him.

This. In spades. She tried, she did in fact behave politely and civilly when they were together.

and really - we don't know *exactly* what she knows. maybe at the time Bill said things about your DH? maybe she sees DH as the one who *hurt* her son?

This seemed very likely to me. I've seen it happen in more than one situation - couple breaks up, person A vents to someone, and then that someone never likes person B again. It's possible Bill said some things at the time of the breakup that he no longer thinks or feels, now that time has passed and everyone has moved on, but that his mother still remembers.

In my eyes, only two people get to decide who comes to a wedding; bride and groom. His mom is way out of line here. Where she is coming from or the why doesn't even matter. She should not get a say in this.

That the person is an ex, is irrelevant. (Of course bride and/or groom shouldn't invite an ex without the others consent, but as long as both don't mind, what's the problem?)The nature of the relationship between mom and ex, is irrelevant. The nature of the relationship, same sex or no, is irrelevant. What it boils down to is that you have a third party, mom, trying to manipulate the invite list. And that is not done.

My sister invited her ex girlfriend to her straight wedding. If my mom had thrown a fit, mom could have just stayed at home.

You really, really do not want to endorse this kind of behavior. So I'd say the fault here is with Bill; he should have either not mentioned the invite at all, or told his mom to sod off and extended the invite anyway. So yes, your DH has every reason to be upset.

My wedding has so many of our exes both same sex and straight (he is sort of bi as he says) that our guest list would be half the size where we to cut them. And honestly we would rather cut some of our family that these guys.

This is exactly why I will not date a closet case. I'm surprised your partner is willing to maintain a friendship with Bill.

Perhaps you are misreading the original post. Bill, my DH's ex, is not a "closet case." When Bill and DH were together, Bill identified openly as gay. DH was introduced to Bill's family and friends (and even coworkers) as the boyfriend. There isn't a "closet case" situation here.

And, I'm curious, why are you surprised that DH and Bill are trying to maintain a friendship?