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Another Day in Paradise

Today was a day like any other:

Wake up

Can’t make myself get up

Don’t want to go to work

I’m okay at work but just going through the motions.

Off early to go to a doctors appointment. Today I’m fidgety, have sweaty palms, increased HR, increased BP, weak legs, dizziness- my normal. This is what it feels like for myself to live with anxiety and depression. Some days are better than others. Today just happened to be a bad day. I try to hide behind my sense of humor and smile.

Some days are just more difficult than others. Today was one of those days. When you doctor hands you a depression and anxiety checklist and asks you to fill it out so they can keep it on file, it just makes the feeling more real. Like maybe the last 10 years were a dream, like today felt like a foggy dream. The last 10 years have felt like a complete fog, like a bunch of wasted time. I remember a few memories here and there it not much. I used to have a good memory, I used to be able to concentrate, I used to have energy, I used to have the heart to do my favorite things.

Now my days are full of pep talks, sleeping for “five” more minutes, feeling of being angry for zero reason, and motivation from others just to do everyday things. If I want to do something extra forget it! That’s what my depression and anxiety do. They are to blame for the life that I have. The canceled plans with friends and family, being a homebody afraid of the next attack, afraid to open up due to feeling weird. At the end of the day I was reading this book. Told myself I would read the excerpt that I opened the book to. It was so fitting for today. Basically it was about not changing yourself and allow yourself to be. I cannot change how I am, just accept it and make peace with it! ❤️❤️❤️