How it feels to miss someone …?

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Long time no see, should have been the question that some people wanted to ask me while reading this blog post. Yeah, I was busy. Hell of busy. Moved to Canada (finally) for my Studies – the dream came true. The dream that I dreamt for … like 3 years ago and after 3 years of struggle, I am here. Do any of you, have an idea how it feels when your dream comes true? Every person has his own way of expression, some are overwhelmed with joy, some smile and some shed into tears. For me, it was like “okay I get it (Thanks Allah) – what next (Allah help me there as well)”! Yah … I was that cold – honestly! (Some people may have their own assumptions about my feelings but that’s what I exactly felt). I don’t know why I am so cold in expressing emotions.

Dreams cannot stop your life or your aims. If you cannot achieve one dream then you cannot stick at that dream forever, you have to think something else then. Believe me, Life does not stop at anything except “death” and if it is not death then why should we stop ourselves?

I was already prepared for my transition phase. The phase that some of my friends has already asked me long ago, “Ali, if you move somewhere else, will you miss us?” and my answer was as usual cold “No”. Why would I? If I am going somewhere else then I would be having new fellas there and new things which would never let me think about you guys. This is actually true, especially when you have not made yourself dependant on others.

Even though, I was prepared, I was ready to accept a lot of changes in my routine, in my approach towards life (specially the importance I used to have which I would not have now) but eventually, I was hit by that transition and now suffering from that phase.

One of the thing that I loved in movie “Love Aaj kal” (don’t think about romantic stuff) was the transition “Saif Ali Khan” went through when he moved to San Francisco. He had everything, his dream, games (I know), friends, party and the energy around him but even then he realized that he is missing someone in his life (the song “Main Kya Houn” was shot so beautifully to portray all that). That energy and new environment can make you not to think about someone for sometime but eventually, the monotonous nature of life makes you think about someone you can rely on or you are dependent on or someone who is really important to you which your rationality, your logics have never let you think that way. In that case Saif had a girl so making a romantic turn which most of the people have got from the movie – A romantic movie but it has something other than romance in it; some reality of life.

For me, same feelings came for a friend (that’s right “A Friend” and “friend” does not have a gender) about whom I never thought of. I never thought that he would be that important for me? Or in other words I never realized that I have become that dependant on him. I thought I am old and mature enough to overcome this thing but I could not.

“I cannot concentrate. Sometimes I talk to myself, isn’t this weird” were the words that Saif told to the psychiatrist in the movie and it’s true for me as well. I really can’t concentrate. Every single moment I am doing the regular stuff of my life, in parallel I am thinking or want him to be around me. I never expected that this could happen to me, to a guy who never thought of these things or never let himself dependent on others but right now I am feeling that I was dependent. I need to realize that this isn’t something which is going to have some good result and I have to let it go but how would I?

Sometimes I think, is it really him who I am missing or is it the feelings that I was used to him? If I am used to him then I could get used to anyone else, right? Then why I am still not able to get used to of anything else except him? Aah – there are lots of questions which add to my headache whenever I start thinking (consciously) about this situation and then it makes me restless and depress.

You know, missing someone isn’t that you want to talk to someone or want to have someone around you or you have not seen someone lately and wanted to see him now. It’s like some part of your life, your personality, your smile, your thinking or technically some clocks of your processor are being utilized for someone who does not even know that those clocks are ticking for him! – It SUCKS!

Feelings are never crap. They are conutless and each of them has a value regardless of what others feel/think about them, even those which are not important for anyone- because they belong to you and you are important including a single bit/feeling of yours. why crap? It’s kind of a person’s asset that builds the sensitivity and strengthens the positive energy inside and give a way to life. Hold on to preserve them. They are life!

and btw, i don’t care if he reads it or not .. i don’t care honestly. I am not a beggar who asks for my importance or respect. if someone had to respect me then respect me before i point him/her out for that and if he/she cant’ then he/she is out of league

“It’s like some part of your life, your personality, your smile, your thinking or technically some clocks of your processor are being utilized for someone who does not even know that those clocks are ticking for him”