Friday, 9 November 2012 12:00

There are two types of viewers: Those that actually love watching reality shows, and those that love to hate reality shows…but watch them anyways. No matter which way you look at it, it all comes down to one simple fact: people ARE watching.

I’m not a fan of Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s. There I said it: I dislike the show. I roll my eyes continuously, yet it’s programmed on my DVR. How about the fairytale wedding (read: sham) complete with three dress changes? I vowed never to watch that show again. Three days later I was watching a marathon on E! Maybe it’s because I like Kourtney, or maybe it’s because I enjoy counting how many facial expressions Bruce Jenner can muster in one episode (it’s 3, by the way). But I can’t seem to look away. I have to be honest, I’m hooked and I’m not happy about it. It makes me angry inside.

Now, we can sit here and bitch about how the quality of television has taken a turn for the worse (Ice Loves KOKO, everyone) or we can embrace the fact that mindless television is here to stay. I’m opting for the latter, especially since I’m too lazy to start an uprising. With that, I give you the Hater’s Guide to Liking Reality Shows.

Choose 2 Shows and Watch them, Twice.
You read right. Since you’re watching TV anyways you might as well do some research on the crap that’s available. Choose two that do not interest you in the slightest and give them a shot. See, first impressions are always horrible – Jersey Shore, anyone? If I hadn’t given “Jerzday” another shot, I may have never seen The Situation voluntarily head butt the wall and give himself the concussion he so badly deserved. Likewise, if I hadn’t given The Voice another shot, I wouldn’t have won all the money I did, betting on how many times I’d see Xtina’s cleavage per episode (The Voice is actually a really good show y’all). The point is, that in the process you may find that some shows are actually entertaining. For example: Project Runway is much better than America’s Next Top Model. Be warned you may also find some “gems” that’ll have you scratching your head – I’m looking at you: “I Didn’t know I was Pregnant“.

Give Props When Due.
The Amazing Race has taught us much about team work & different cultures, Survivor, although should technically stop (what is it, like, 23 seasons now?!) has shown us what it’s like to survive on tapioca and wild boar – hunting & gathering skills we should all possess. Shaws of Sunset has taught us that there is a family slightly more dysfunctional (and more entertaining) than The Kardashians. My Strange Addiction makes us feel better about our Unicorn collection – hey, at least I’m not eating chalk or sleeping with a hair dryer. Toddlers and Tiaras has given us a look into the life of child pageant queens and how their mothers all live vicariously though their children in a feeble attempt to live out their own unrealized dreams. But see, some good comes from these shows, if it wasn’t for Honey Boo Boo what would the world be like? A dark, dark place, that’s what. This magical little 5 year old is smart and endearing – some people could learn a thing or two from her.

Watch With Friends
Like bad movies, bad TV shows are always best enjoyed with an entourage of like-minded people. This way you can live comment on all the things that annoy you while getting support from the people around you. Take for example that episode of the Kardashian’s when Kim cried because she lost her 30K earrings. I wanted to punch her in the jugular, but it wouldn’t be nearly as fun just thinking it; it’s even more hilarious with my bestie is around. Especially when she replies things like “No, I’d punch her in the ass.” We laugh and laugh.

Accept that these characters WILL branch out… into music.
Just Google Real housewife Countess LuAnne’s “Money can’t by you Class.” See it, accept it, move on.

Leave your capacity for intelligent thoughts at the door.
Look, you’re not watching CNN or Newsroom. Reality shows are brainless television and should be treated as such. The minute you start asking questions about its authenticity or real-life probability, you begin to notice the cracks. Take for example, The Hills (I’m not over it). Didn’t you find it strange how they all ended up at the same clubs or how Justin Bobby always strategically showed up right when you needed to swoon? I’m not complaining about that one, but I am complaining about how Kristin Cavelari hooked up with him, while she was supposedly in love with Brody. It all ended up being fake of course… like all reality shows. Except for Snookie peeing on herself – that was real. Real gross.

In the end, they can’t all be winners but know one thing; these people are famous for no reason at all and make tons more money than you. Don’t forget to follow them all on Twitter too, they usually have earth-shattering updates like “I love shopping!” Thanks Paris! Happy viewing.