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All posts for the month August, 2016

Well it’s some time since I last posted on the site – I’ve been so busy on other things. Anyway regular readers will know I’m a huge fan of the Edinburgh festival, and here are some of the best jokes from this year’s Fringe, as reported by Alice Jones in this week’s i newspaper. Some great ones, enjoy…

If Mr T had gone to University for longer he could have been M.A Baracus. Mark Smith, Cowgatehead,

My doctor was quite a large man. He looked like the only thing he’d ever cured was pork. James Farmer, Bannerman’s

In France, J-Lo is known as I have water Adam Hess, The Hive,

Women everywhere will look at Hillary Clinton as President and think, you can do anything you want to do. As long as your husband does it first. Michelle Wolf, Pleasance Courtyard

If Scotland leaves, the United Kingdom will have to call itself the Former United Kingdom, which will be a pretty cool acronym. Nazeem Hussain, Assembly George Square,

I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10 Mark Watson, Pleasance Courtyard,

If you don’t know Grindr, it’s like Pokemon Go, but you catch STDs. Tom Ballard, Assembly George Square,

My motto in life is always give 100%. Which makes blood donation quite tricky.” Tony Cowards, Just the Tonic: The Mash House,

How does Mr Miyagi eat his Babybel? Wax on – wax off. Olaf Falafel, City Cafe,

The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike. She wasn’t promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal. Mat Ewins, The Hive,

I can see why people have been drawn to Nigel Farage, I’ve seen him speak and he’s funny and engaging. And I have to admit as an immigrant to this country, after listening to him for a few minutes, I wanted to leave. Erich McElroy, Bar 50,

I hate double standards. Why is it that if I have sex with loads of women I’m a player but if a woman does it she’s a lesbian? Jack Barry, Just The Tonic: The Mash House,

I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas, they start off as cars and stay that way. Bethany Black, The Stand,

As an escapologist my father struggled to make a living. Phil Nichol, Assembly Checkpoint,

My brother was trying to brag about his three-year-old son. “He’s really smart for his age,” he said. But I was like, “Yeah, but he’s really stupid for my age.” Ari Shaffir, The Hive,

I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool and just for a laugh I put “The Beatles” or “Steven Gerrard” for every answer. Came second. Will Duggan, Pleasance Courtyard,

My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive. Which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic. Andrew Lawrence, Assembly Roxy,

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves. Abi Roberts, Voodoo Rooms,

I have the confidence to text a man first. And second. And third. And fourth. And fifth. And sixth. And seventh. Basically, till he answers. Sofie Hagen, The Liquid Rooms,

Wes Anderson is often praised for his use of colour. Which is ironic. Fin Taylor, Gilded Balloon

Like a lot of Conservatives I grew up on an estate. The main difference was mine didn’t have a gamekeeper. Geoff Norcott, Underbelly

I met an estate agent who didn’t know the abbreviation for ‘apartment’. I thought, “that’s apt”. Darren Walsh, Pleasance Courtyard,

At University I studied archaeology. I scraped through my exams. Stuart Mitchell, Pleasance Courtyard,

Being in love is like central heating… you turn it on before guests come over and pretend it’s like this all the time. Laura Lexx, Just the Tonic: The Mash House,

When I moved house, I teamed up with a white girl, an Asian girl and a black guy and we moved into the front cover of a university prospectus. Glenn Moore, Just the Tonic: The Caves,

I love Snap-Chat. I could talk about classic card games all day. Aatif Nawaz, Newsroom,

I asked all of my black and minority ethnic friends if they thought I was racist or not, and they both said that I wasn’t. Bridget Christie, The Stand,

My mum loves mocking me – she described my 20th birthday party as “celebrating 20 years since Alex was last inside a woman.” Alex Kealy, Underbelly

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins & marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.. Olaf Falafel, The City Cafe,

Leave voters were obsessed with taking back control. What we didn’t know was that they would also take back alt and delete and return the country to factory settings. Ben Van Der Velde, White Horse,

I’ve been a pessimist my entire life. I remember one of my first thoughts was that my Mum’s breast was half empty. Mark Nelson, Gilded Balloon,

How do you know if someone’s a vegan? They’ll tell you. Randy Writes a Novel, Underbelly

The appearing rabbit trick can go wrong at the drop of a hat. Pete Firman, Pleasance Courtyard,