Fantasy vs Reality

What is Fantasy? According to Google it is “the faculty or activity of imagining things esp. things that are impossible or improbable.” So when people have fantasies they don’t necessarily think they are going to come true. When people have sexual fantasies they are usually nice things to think about while you search for some kind of private release.

What is Reality? For me, reality is the things that are actually going on around us.

So lets apply these ideas to a BDSM relationship. The reality of a healthy relationship is based on trust and openness. There is a lot of talking about what the sub wants and needs, and what the Dom wants and needs. What the sub and Dom are willing to do and what they would not be willing to do. What one’s hard lines are and what their soft lines are. They are a beautiful partnership about fulfilling the needs of the other. This type of relationship comes in many forms and will look different for each couple as they find what is best for them.

Fantasies in these relationships will usually look different than the reality. While playing out a fantasy it will usually seem as if the Dom is only serving their own needs. To an outsider it may even seem as if the Dom is abusing or hurting the sub, when in fact they are giving the sub everything he or she really desires.

The use of safe words help keep the fantasy alive. The sub can be screaming “no please stop” and really be meaning “Harder Master, you missed a spot!”

Now you may be wondering why I am ranting or rather rambling about BDSM fantasy. The simple answer is that my fiction, and other fiction like it, is another way for Doms and subs to explore our darker fantasies. For some it is a way of exploring fantasies are so dark that they are hard to bring to play time for safety reasons. Others, like myself, don’t yet have a partner to explore their fantasies with, so writing or reading fiction like mine helps to give us some outlet for these desires.

I’ve been told a few times that my stories do not describe a healthy BDSM relationship. That some or more of the characters are abusive, and even rapists, they are manipulative and cruel. To those of you who think this, I 100% agree. But my stories are not supposed to be the reflections of the reality, they are meant to reflect the fantasy, the play time.

I know this has been a ramble, and I am going to warn you guys, I think most of my non story posts will be. But I hope this helps with some of the confusion and gives everyone an insight on where my stories come from and why they are the way they are.

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Thank you for pointing out these aspects. It is important to distinguish between the actions within a story and the way the readers (are supposed to) receive them. Under ideal circumstances the topics and motifs of a story can serve as inspiration for real-life activities between consensual partners. This is also the point where consensual behaviour becomes utterly important — in real life. I will not start ranting about censorship, anti-porn (read: BDSM) laws and so on, but no fictional character has ever abused a real human being. The things one can find in BDSM-orientated literature (which isn’t necessarily describing BDSM in itself) are fantasy by definition, and must be adopted as such by the reader. Doing so needs reflection and a functioning moral compass.

Thank you for your posting. Too often those who think that the BDSM lifestyle is all about control and abuse…have never tried a real life version.

My husband has always had a dominate personality. It was one of the aspects that drew me to him. But 30+ years ago, there was no ‘open’ BDSM lifestyle. People like myself, who tend to be submissive…were made to think that something was wrong with us. Especially if we wanted to be bound or spanked. Now it is all the rage.

I did not realized that my relationship was Dominate/submissive (the DS part), util I was in my late forties. That is when I did research and found that what was originally calls S&M, now included all aspects of the kink culture. BD, Bondage and Discipline / DS, Dominate and Submissive / SM, Sadism and Masochism are now more open.

While my relationship has changed since my revelation, our relationship is more open. We talk more about what we each want and what we need. Rather than trying to figure out what each is thinking…we talk. And while I would like more, my husband is not comfortable with everything I want. But I am not willing to give up what I have for the few things, I can fantasize about.

Writing and reading about BDSM and understanding the difference between reality and fantasy is important if you want even part of the real thing.

In writing, Dom’s instinctively know what the sub wants and needs. In real life, there is discussion and compromise.

I still like that fantasy can take me to places, I can’t otherwise go. Be it the BDSM world, a distant planet, or a different time!!! Fantasy is wonderful and those who can not differentiate it from reality…need to see a good shrink.