Rogue trader in $38.6 billion 'green jobs' fraud

A rogue trader at one of the world's largest banks (USA Inc., second in economic power only to China Inc.) has been exposed as the biggest fraudster in the history of mankind. The fraud – conservatively estimated at $38.6 billion, though others believe it could be at least 20 times bigger once his secret trading accounts in a file mysteriously marked "Stimulus Package" are fully investigated – comfortably exceeds the paltry $2.3 billion losses run up by UBS trader Kweku Adoboli.

Though full details of the Uber Rogue Trader – known only by his initials B.O. – have yet to be released, he is believed to be either of Hawaiian or Kenyan birth, with a plausible speaking manner and a deceptive aura of competence and gravitas. He is said to be "coolly unrepentant" about his crime, which, he claims, he was only doing to provide "hope and change" to his 200 million victims.

The fraud appears to have centred around an arcane taxpayer-swindling system first devised by Kenneth Lay of Enron known as "Clean tech" or "green jobs." B.O. – who joined the bank in January 2009 – is believed to have persuaded colleagues and shareholders that he could boost the institution's flagging profits by spending $38.6 billion on a "loan guarantee program" for clean tech start up companies. He also claimed that in the process he would create "65,000 jobs".

Correctly anticipating that in the open market no one would actually want to buy such overpriced, economically inefficient energy as solar or wind, B.O. hit on the ingenious scam of ramping up demand by spreading misleading rumours. He persuaded high-placed friends at institutions including NASA, the EPA and the IPCC to promote junk-science data grotesquely exaggerating the dangers of carbon based energy and the benefits of "renewable" energy. BO then poured sums of up to half a billion dollars into Ponzi schemes – aka Green Tech – run by sympathetic friends.

Unfortunately, the scam was exposed when one of B.O's Green Tech Ponzi schemes – a solar energy company called Solyndra – collapsed with losses which could cost USA shareholders as much as $527 million. Two other solar companies in B.O's Green Tech Ponzi scheme have also folded: Evergreen Solar, Inc and SpectraWatt.

The 65,000 "green jobs" B.O. promised – reduced from an initial figure of "five million green jobs" he promised when applying for his job at the bank – have failed to materialize. So far, just 3,545 new permanent jobs have been created.

Investigators of the Green Jobs fraud are now following several leads which suggest the crime may be global in scale, embracing a flamehaired socialist at Ozbank,almost every member of every bank in Portugal, Spain, German and Denmark, and, at Britbank, a patrician conspiracy including an Old Etonian CEO, his landowning father-in-law, and the bank's blue-blooded future chairman.