Russia Wins the World Cup in 2018

In an amazing turn of events, Russia, who will be the hosts of the World Cup in 2018, will be the overall winners. It has yet to be decided who the losing finalists will be.

FIFA have announced that the competition is not a fix, and that Russia will win the competition completely fairly.

"It has been alleged," said Sepp Blatter, "that the competition has been fixed, but this is simply not the case. Russia will be playing the best football and that is what will win the World Cup. It is nonsense to say that they have bribed and cheated their way to the title."

Many bookies have stopped taking bets on the World Cup now it has been revealed who has won, as this would allow people to bet on Russia after the fact, and immediately claim their winnings, before putting it back on Russia to win, and then claiming that too.

The sceptical are not convinced by Sepp Blatter's platitudes, 'Blattertudes', if you will. It has been claimed that many footballers across the world have been approached by dark suited men with armpit bulges and Ladas with instructions that they should fail to perform against Russia, and play their socks off against the English, should they even qualify, which may not be possible if the latest FIFA ruling comes into force banning teams from countries beginning with E and ending with ngland. These men know where the players families and friends live, work and play. And should the players wish for their families to continue to live work and play in these places, they should think long and hard about the offer.

"The Mafia have got to be involved," said one of England's World Cup bid and future king of England, who prefers to remain nameless. "It's a travesty, from start to finish, and it's not even started yet, and it's still a travesty. I'm telling you, it's just not cricket."

Sepp Blatter is unfazed by the accusations. "At least he and I agree on one thing. Football is not, in fact, cricket."

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