As much as I hate to admit it, but I think that I might be in love with another guy. I cannot help not think about him and wanting to be sexual with him again. And according to a mutual friend of ours, he too wants to be sexual with me again, but he has not called me. He and I haven;'t spoken to each ther for almost three weeks since we had sex.

Then, while all of this is going on, another friend of mine tells me that he cannot be around me because he is having feelings and desires to act out against me because he sees me as weak and easy to take advantage of. Since he told this to me, he has not spoken to me either.

I cannot handle all of this! It is too much to deal wtih. I feel so vulnerable and afraid. I am also confused. I have been crying a lot, and at one point, I only ate once in four days. In one way I am desperate and rreally want to have sex with anotehr guy, (preferrably the one who I already had sex with), but in another way, I don't ever want to have sex again with anybody. Why do I feel so torn? Am I gay?

I feel for what you are going thru and the angst this is causing you. I don't have the answers and I am not an expert, so I'll just express some thoughts and they may or may not be helpful to you.

The question that springs to my mind is, is it just about sex or do you have other feelings as well towards this first guy.

The second guy sounds like a jerk given what he said to you. Do you really want someone in your life like that. Obviously I don't know the details, but what he said to you sounds quite insensitive and somewhat abusive.

No one can tell you that you are gay or not. The answer must come from within you, but the support, understanding and compassion of others can certainly help and so it is good that you are speaking about it.

As survivors I think we have two things to contend with. One issue is the brainwashing from a homophobic society that says being gay is bad, which causes us shame. This leads to the struggle of trying to de-programme those negative messages and reaching a point in which we see that being gay is okay. Being gay is not that big a deal when it comes down to it, but I understand that it takes time to understand this notion and accept it in your heart.

The other issue is of course the abuse which can lead to confusion about our sexuality. I think for straight men it can be extremely difficult because there is that desire that some survivors have to act out with other men, even though their primary attraction is towards women. This is a common and shared experience for many men and my understanding is that it is about trying to regain mastery over the traumatic experience, in which sex, fantasy, pleasure etc becomes linked with the trauma. It is a really difficult thing to untangle, but given time and reflection I've seen guys come to an understanding.

As a gay man and survivor it was hard for me to come to terms with my sexuality. I have never been attracted to women. The problem I faced was that I was scared of men because of the abuse. So I lived in denial of my sexuality and repressed it. I presented a fašade to the world in which I was asexual as that was the safest path. In the end I reached a point where I realised I was sexually and physically attracted to men, but there was the other component that involved emotion. I knew in my heart that I had the capacity to love another man. That when I was in the arms of another man in a loving embrace I felt whole and complete. It wasn't some kind of acting out pathology, something bad, something that was self-destructive. When there was love between me and another man it was the most beautiful gift in the world and something to be cherished.

Be gentle and kind to yourself, in time the answer will come and you will find a resolution. Don't be afraid to keep talking about it, we are here and we do understand how difficult this is to come to terms with.

Coming to terms with being gay can be very difficult especially in the world we live in, one that doesn't always accept being gay. Then add on top of that being a CSA survivor, I can only imagine how tough that is.

I have been out of the closet since 1995. There were times I questioned being gay. I think it was mostly due to the pressure of my family and their beliefs... Early on, for me, it was a choice of being gay or nothing at all...

Even though I am out and have had a few gay relationships, I still struggle with sex and love... I haven't been able to combine the two yet.

Do you think being in love with a man is wrong? and sex in general with a man?

Well, i was brought up Catholic, went into a Catholic orphanage/Home. At the age of 10. I was heavelly into masturbating already, now in the Catholic faith that's a no no. Now if i should die before going to confession to a priest, then i was headed straight to hell. Well i'm still at it 61 years later. Do i believe that there is no place in the Catholic faith for gay's. Well yes were not welcomed there either. Or in any other organised religion as far as i know.

But, i do believe that we were supposed to have been a precious gift from God, to our parent(s). But something went terrably wrong, seems like I/you/we, wasn't precious at all. As my "mom" was abusing me, she was my first sexual abuser. Then came the others.

In the Catholic faith they teach that we were made in the image & likeness of God. So, if i am gay then it's ok with him.

However, i have given up in thinking that i'm going to hell, because I/you/we, have been already there, we are living the results of our hell.

For me, i think that hell is right here on earth, it has to be much better on the other side. Not that i'm in any hurry to get there.

You have a lot going on, inside and outside. Your feelings of vulnerability and fear in your situation makes sense and it can be bewildering to feel them all happening at once and for different reasons.

I'm a gay survivor also, and I had to learn to pay attention to what made me feel connected and loved, and to look into my past for memories that help me build a picture of my emotional life before my abuse. I think Blaidd had some really good advice when he said:

Quote:

In the end I reached a point where I realised I was sexually and physically attracted to men, but there was the other component that involved emotion. I knew in my heart that I had the capacity to love another man. That when I was in the arms of another man in a loving embrace I felt whole and complete. It wasn't some kind of acting out pathology, something bad, something that was self-destructive.

It's really about listening to your feelings, now and in the past, to find what's true for you. I can't tell if your feelings of wanting to connect with the man you had sex with are because you have a strong emotional and affectional attachment to him, or not. It might be worth some reflection to see where your feelings spring from.

When I took the time to reflect, I found the same kinds of feelings I had for men that I had for boys my age when I was growing up. Nothing to do with sex, just about feeling an emotional connection. All for boys, not for any of the girls. There was a handsome and popular red head boy, and the Italian boy, and the rough and tumble blond boy who lived, literally, on the other side of the tracks. When I think about them and how I felt about them, there is a connection between that feeling and the way I feel about men today. That insight helped me know myself and be able to recognize my attraction to boys prior to my abuse.

My read of the friend who warned you that he could take advantage of you and then cut off contact with you is a little different. It's never easy to hear someone assess your emotional state and admit that they could see themselves taking advantage of you. It pushes buttons deep within us.

What I find interesting about this man is that he told you what he feels capable of doing and then took himself away from you and cut off contact. I find it hard to judge this person harshly. He admitted what was going on for him that created a risk you hadn't been aware of, then he took himself away from you to mitigate that risk to you and to him. These are the actions of someone grappling with their own issues, certainly, but I can't find the self-awareness he showed, the honesty he shared, or the actions he took worthy of condemnation since they all protect and inform you, as well as himself.

The best advice for right now my friend is to breathe. Deep and slow. Take some time to decide how you feel and what you want.

-efm

_________________________Everybody here's got a story to tellEverybody's been through their own hellThere's nothing too special about getting hurtGetting over it, that takes the work

I jsut spoke with my second friend last night who had told me that he had desires to do something to me. He told me that he had wanted to make out with me--not because of attaction--but because he says that he can "get away with it", meaning that I will not tell anybody or try to stop him if I didn't want to kiss him.

He is right, I probably wouldn't tell anybody about what had happened between us, and depending on where I am emotionally, I may not even try to stop him or resist. Right now, I honestly do not know how I would respond to his advances. I am so confused, and I think that I am in love with my other friend--I would rather kiss him and/or have sex with him instead. After all, he is more attractive to me and more interested in me.... Oh, I don't know what I want. I guess I want these feelings to go away. I want to feel good about myself again bofore I ended up having sex with my friend. How stupid could I have been to have sex with him?!

I understand that this is causing you distress TW and I feel for what you are going through because I've been there.

The abuse made me feel like I had to be compliant, to submit to other's needs regardless of how I felt. In my adult life I have struggled with this to the point of not even knowing what my own needs are and like you finding myself very confused. It was easier to just give in and do what the other person wanted.

I am going to reflect back something to you, because often we don't feel like we have permission to say what we want because of what the abuse set us up for.

It is OKAY to say NO !!!

If you don't want to be sexual with this second guy then you have the power and the right to refuse him.

I know this is hard to deal with. Try not to beat yourself up over it. You are a good person and in time you'll learn a way to feel good about who you are and what you need. Hang in there.

"I knew in my heart that I had the capacity to love another man. That when I was in the arms of another man in a loving embrace I felt whole and complete. It wasn't some kind of acting out pathology, something bad, something that was self-destructive. When there was love between me and another man it was the most beautiful gift in the world and something to be cherished."

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