Disclaimer: All of the narcissistic, arrogant comments aside, I decided to write this guide for both guys and girls for a reason: Too many good men nowadays are unable to talk to females due to an inferiority complex and the fear of being shot down, and you girls deserve to know that some of us guys think with more than our penile units. So this is for all of you, enjoy it.

You know, not all of us can be blessed with rugged good looks, a brain, and enough swagger to make Hugh Heffner look like the dating version of Quasimodo. Not every one of us guys can actually walk into a room and pick out the woman of our dreams, and boast of being able to melt a virgin’s inhibitions within fifty paces. Unfortunately, the world isn’t a fairy tale in which the good guy gets the girl, and the “bad” guy gets left in the dust. And you know what?

It’s absolutely, positively okay.

We live in a world where the art of dating has absolutely been lost, and where the culture that has been passed down through media and the jungles of high school is one that shapes the minds of our kids with a “bag ‘em and tag ‘em” mentality. So what is dating? How can some scrawny, pimply nerd ask a girl out and not get shot down every time. How can a guy who isn’t necessarily the better looking brother of Adonis find a relationship? Simple. By learning that there is more to life than just sex, and by not confusing the definitions of love and lust.

To paraphrase Alex Hitchens’ words from the movie Hitch, there are a few basic principles in how to woo a lady:

No woman wakes up saying “God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today.”

60% of all human communication is nonverbal body language, and 30% is your tone so 90% of what you’re saying isn’t coming out in the form of words.

No matter what, no matter where, no matter when any man has a chance to sweep a girl off her feet; he just needs the right broom.

And before you all say that those things just work out in movies, I’d recommend that you think about it and think really hard. For the most part, dealing with the opposite sex has become little more than a game for guys. Sometimes when I see guys talking about how many girls they “bagged” or how many different ones they’ve “chased after”, I feel as if they weren’t talking about other people: Only deer.

Now, many different people might try to read this differently but as a guy who’s both competed in the world of testosterone for the “Biggest Douche” award and a guy who’s learned to treat a woman, my theory is that guys are so insecure about themselves, so painfully shy and so caught up in the image of what society sees as “cool” that they’re willing to sell out both principle and treat women like objects in order to get one over their “friends.” The male ego is a fragile, ever growing things and until boys can put it aside they won’t ever become men, and won’t ever really get over their shyness and find a girl they can be with for real.

So, when attempting to woo a girl the first thing a guy needs to ask himself is:

“Do I really like her, or would I just like her as another trophy?”

If you really like her, read on. If you do not and would just like to “uncork it and pork it”, stop reading this and go find a shrink.

Assuming that you are still reading this, you decided that you like the girl for more than her set of orifices and decided you’re not a completely immoral tool: Congratulations. The question now becomes: “How to approach her?” and there isn’t a formulaic way that you can just copy paste from girl to girl and that you’ll be able to get away with 24/7. Get to know the female, get to know what she likes. Talk to her, and I mean really talk. When you go out with her, don’t focus on imagining what she looks like naked or just stare at her lips and zone out.

Okay, by now I am sure I lost most of you so here are some bullet points by category:

When meeting a girl:

First thing you should do before meeting a girl is take a deep breath, remember that you’re not the scummiest thing on earth, and drop the shyness: You’re just making a new friend, so do not expect fireworks and love at first sight (Unless it’s the 4th of July or Katy Perry is around.)

The only awkward situation is that which you yourself create.

As much as I hate to say it, looks do matter in first impression. When meeting girls, I always have a box of altoids ready, or some gum. Appearance may not be the most important thing ever, but they DO notice personal grooming or lack thereof.

Look her in the eyes when you first meet her and present yourself. First impressions can be a powerful thing.

Don’t try to be something you’re not: If you’re outgoing, be outgoing. If you’re shy, be shy. Don’t try to emulate people in how they pick up women and rely on your own charms.

Show her the real you, not a highlight reel of you.

Have a conversation with her and get to know who she is, how she is.

If you decide to pay a compliment, try for something above the neck and that doesn’t involve the words rack, tits, ass, or dayum. Also, if I ever see you use a pick-up line I will punch you square in the throat.

Read her body language, it’ll tell you oodles. I mean, you can clearly see if she wants you to go away or if she wants to talk. Remember what I said, 90% of communication is nonverbal.

At the end of the conversation, evaluate where you stand and if you’re still interested get her phone number, or whatever. ‘Lo and behold, you made a friend.

Asking her to a date:

Be ready for her to say yes AND no, and realize that if she says no it’s not the end because you may still make a friend, and time decides how friendships grow.

By and large, when people think of dates they think of going to the movies. While yes, usually it’s a good date to have never go to one as a first date. The whole purpose of this is to establish a rapport and to get to know one another so you’ll want somewhere you can talk to her.

For a first date, make plans. While spontaneity is nice, girls do enjoy a guy with a plan under their belt for the first date. It shows that you’ve thought about them enough that you came up with something concrete.

Try not to be cliché with it. A little creativity goes a long way, and try to do something that would be exciting to you both. A girl can sense very well whether you’re bored or not; It’s like your fear. . . they can smell it.

Consider her interests. If she doesn’t like meat, let’s not suggest taking her to steakhouse or a Whataburger.

If she says no, it’s not time for the guyliner, sad poetry and general emoness. Throughout life you’ll have several different opportunities, and if anything you’ll have gathered experience.

In the date:

Congratulations, she said yes when she could have said no. Relax, breathe in, and take a moment to realize you managed to rise above your shyness. Now that she said yes, your job isn’t getting her to like you anymore: It’s not to mess it up.

If at all possible, attempt to provide transportation and pick her up. Although this may seem strange to you, it always gives you the option of getting to speak to her in a more private setting, and gives y’all more time to get to know one another and make her more comfortable.

Don’t do something flashy during the first date, like bringing flowers or chocolate. If it is a girl that you barely know at all, she may take on the notion that you’re not confident enough in yourself that you feel the need to ply her with gifts during your first date. The obvious exception to the rule here is if you’re at a carnival and you’ve the hand-eye coordination, you may try to win her a teddy if she wants one.

Take somewhere where you guys can talk, where you’ll be able to find more out about each other. Also, if there’s something you both are interested in try to take her out and do it. Pay attention to what she says. I know this is repetition but I CANNOT stress this enough.

When going on the date, it’s time for you to bust out your secret weapon: Manners. Girls insist that chivalry is dead, but that is far from the case. There’s nothing wrong with opening doors for her, pulling her chair for her, or acting politely. As a matter of fact, it’ll show that you’re not just some ruffian.

Although this is the 21st century and yes, it is important to remember equality I’d always recommend paying. If you’ve the gall to invite a girl on a date, then it’s only fair that you pay and besides it’s the gentlemanly thing to do.

Just because you pay, it does not mean you’re entitled to anything. You’re not buying her off or bribing her, and if you seriously think this way take a drink of hydrochloric acid.

When dropping her off at home, pay attention to her signs. While nothing may happen, you should pay attention to hints she drops and react accordingly. Make sure you walk her to her door, and if she’s fidgeting with her keys and making small talk do not be afraid to risk it and go in for the kiss. We only have one first kiss, one first dance, one first impression with them, and that makes all the difference between being “the one” and “some guy I met once.”

Don’t be eager to make plans immediately after. Give the girl time decide how she feels, and make sure that she knows you enjoyed your date or else she may go off in her own tangent of self-doubt and begin to think you do not like her.

In a relationship:

You’ve gone out with this girl a couple of times, and things are flourishing eh? Way to go, tiger. To build a relationship, though, there are a few things that you MUST know first.

First and foremost, dating a girl is a package deal. There’s something that every girl has and that may either be your greatest ally or your worst enemy when you’re trying to be a girl’s boyfriend: Their best friend. Whether it be a guy, girl, or something in between every girl has one and if you do not have their approval you’ll NEVER be anything more than that one guy she went out with once. Get to know them, and make sure that they get to know who you are too. Do not flirt with both of them, and do NOT try to “even the odds”. Besties will more than likely drop you like a hot potato before fighting with one another.

Do not be overly clingy. Although yes, you are with this girl and yes, you need to make sure your interest is known you have no need to know where she is 24/7, who she’s with and you do not need to always be hanging out with the same crowd of friends. If you’re about to embark in a relationship with someone, give them the benefit of trust.

When asking her to be in a relationship with you be straight up with your feelings instead of trying to make her guess. If you like her, tell her instead of leaving her to wonder. Nut up or shut up, because if you’re not courageous enough to tell her about it, she’ll find a guy who actually is and you’ll be friendzoned in a hot minute.

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ask her via text, via a Facebook relationship request, or via phone. Unless you want to REALLY be seen as a class-A loser and wimp, ask her in person. Don’t take the personal out of personal interaction.

Do not hurry up with an “I love you.” While it is important that you recognize your feelings and while yes, you may think you ARE in love you got to remember that she also needs time to develop the same feelings and often rushing into things like this will either make her think you’re in it for the wrong reasons and pressing up too quickly or that you’re obsessed, neither of which breed love. There is nothing wrong with saying it first, but make sure you feel it.

If you’re a jealous person, be jealous and do not hide who you are. Once again, real you not highlight reel of you. However, do not turn into an overbearing Neanderthal who appears to have no trust in the girl. If she’s in a relationship with you, it won’t change because she’s having a conversation with another guy. In another token, make sure you’re reading her body language right and HIS body language right and if he’s making her uncomfortable make your presence known with extreme prejudice. While girls do NOT like being smothered, they do like feeling safe with the guy they’re with.

From this point on in your relationship, you’re on your own. These guidelines provide you with an easy how-to manual in dealing with the opposite sex, but it isn’t by any means infallible. There isn’t a single formulaic way to define what will and will not work in a relationship because there are only two people in the world who know whether or not it’ll work out, and that is you and your potential girlfriend. Most important thing for you to do is put yourself out there though, because if you never risk it you’ll never find your girl.

Hope you guys who decided to stick with it to the end enjoyed the reading and found it at least mildly helpful. If you’ve specific questions, concerns, or a need for help you all know how to reach me.

With oodles of love, and hopes that something I wrote here helped at least one of you out.

This is for the women who are first to get naked, howl at the moon and jump into the sea. This is for the women who seek relentless joy; the ones who know how to laugh with their whole souls. The women who speak to strangers because they have no fear in their hearts. This is for the women who drink coffee at midnight and wine in the morning, and dare you to question it. This is for the women who throw down what they love, and don’t waste time following society’s pressures to exist behind a white picket fence. The women who create wildly, unbalanced, ferociously and in a blur at times. This — is for you.

“When Janne has a new poem written, I shut my life down to do nothing but read it, and then when I turn my life back on, everything is better.” — James Altucher