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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ' Rock. '

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way ?

The chief replied, "My bike !!!"

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else's bicycle !!!

So this guy was drinking in a bar when a few feet away from him a woman sneezed, causing her glass eye to pop out.It took a couple of hops on the bar and the guy grabbed it just before it landed in his beer.

The guy, being a bit of a gentleman, quietly walked over to the woman and said "I didn't want to embarass you in front of everyone, but I think you might want this back."

The grateful woman bought him a round and they began to hit it off.

Later that night, back in his apartment, they were smoking a postcoital cigarett when he asks her "So, do you go home with a lot of guys from the bar ?"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

Fred and Larry got married in California .They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ' After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.' He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

Latitude is Where We are Lost,Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!

Let me just say to all my fans that I feel sorry for everyone who criticized me for my extra-marital affairs.You must live a miserable existence if you have nothing better to do than read about my personal life in the tabloids.But I suppose I should provide an explanation about my behavior so that you will continue to buy the products I endorse.

So here goes.I am an average looking man of mixed racial descent.Like most men, I had trouble getting pussy before I became a famous multimillionaire.I did okay at Stanford because I was on the golf team, but the women there graded out with a “B” because they were leftovers that players on the football team didn’t want.Before that, I got nothing because I have a bland personality and big lips.

Then, I win a few golf tournaments and women are lining up at my door.Of course, I took advantage of my opportunities.These were women who wouldn’t give me the time of day if I sold insurance or worked on a used car lot.They wanted me so they could brag to their friends about having sex with a celebrity, while holding the belief that one day they would live a life of luxury as the wife of Tiger Woods.When that didn’t happen, they seized on an opportunity to sell their story to the tabloids, all the while looking the part of a woman scorned.

Now I want to discuss my wife. When I met Elin, she was just like the others, except she played the “hard-to-get” strategy that women often use to corral men.It worked.She had all the qualities I wanted in a woman: pretty face, nice tits, nice ass, and an inviting personality.We dated for a while, had wild sex, and we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company.When I asked her to marry me, she accepted.Why wouldn't she ?Only an idiot would say no to a lavish lifestyle that most people only dream about.

Our marriage was okay.We have two wonderful children and Elin is a good mother.But since she had those kids, she’s become a bitch, and doesn’t want to have sex very often.And, she won’t accompany me on road trips, except to the major championships.Unfortunately, my job requires that I travel to a different city every week where women nod approvingly at me where ever I go.Do you see the problem here?

To all the men out there: What would you have done in my shoes ?Would you have said no to all the woman who lined up to meet you, especially after listening to your wife bitch at you over the telephone for not spending enough time at home with her and the kids ?And to all the women: How many of you would have turned down an opportunity to spend a night with me, knowing that you could sell your story to a tabloid for 500K ?

I feel bad about the potential damage my actions might cause my kids.As for Elin, I can think of at least 300 million reasons why she will be okay if we divorce and she is forced to survive on her own.And don’t forget that vast support network she will have after appearing on Oprah and The View.

As for me, I have paid dearly for my transgressions.I have lost millions and might lose custody of my children.Almost everyone who sees me takes great pleasure seeing me in pain. The letters "Saint" or " St. " do not precede my name.You’re telling me it's O.K. to screw everything in sight and be a politician, but you can't be a pro-golfer ???Did I become famous for being a model married man, or was it because I'm the best damn golfer in the world ??? Now here I stand, while you sit there anxiously waiting to hear my heartfelt apology, when all I really want to say is “Fuck Off !!!”

What Tiger Should've Said !!!!

To my wife, I'm sorry. I fucked up but I'm not changing, so you'll either need to put up with this shit or I'll stroke you the check you agreed to in the pre-nup...sorry.

To my fans, get over it.Where I stick my dick is none of your business.If you care...sorry !I don't need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you'll make in a few life-times.I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 220 yards to within 10' of the hole and drop putts that you couldn't read in a million years.If that's not good enough for you, go watch tennis.

To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am.Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you've had since Thanksgiving.Fuck ya'll. I'm glad I don't have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.

To the other tour golfers. Kiss my cablanasian ass !You motherfuckers come out ripping me when I've put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count.You think anyone's been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik ?Give me a fucking break !I'm almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys, but I think it's going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.

That's all I got today folks...see ya at Augusta, maybe !!!

...Oh, and Bambi, if you're listening, I'll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and, at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and would use each time he had to log on.

The husband was a bit bored by the process and, feeling in a rather amorous mood, figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he paused for effect, then letter by letter, with his wife watching over his shoulder, he keyed in ......

PENIS

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD: REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH

Latitude is Where We are Lost,Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!