Clan Nicas - KOL

lunes, noviembre 28, 2005

Yaaaay, beer!

Yaaaaay, beer!

As you stumble around in the dimly lit cellar, you encounter an entire troupe of cheerleading rats who seem to be worshipping a can of beer. If there's one thing you didn't expect to see before you died, it's twenty rats wearing little skirts.

The rats form into a pyramid and begin singing a weird little fight song in high, piping voices:

We have tails and we have eyes,We are far and we are nearIt should come as no surpriseThat we praise the mighty beer.Yaaaaay, beer!

And then the pyramid falls apart and the rats scamper away. You hork their can of beer and get away as fast as you can.

"Back in my day, whippersnapper, turtles weren't little slow-moving reptiles who were already half-tame anyway. They were a hundred feet tall and had big, sharp, pointy teeth. Turtle taming used to be work, junior, not a walk in the park. And don't think we had all the fancy spells and equipment you kids had. We just walked up to 'em and bonked 'em on the nose with a rock."

Another Turtle Tamer, this one missing a non-corporeal leg, hops up beside Valiant.

"I'm your great-great-great-great-GREAT-grandfather, Garrlahad the Turtle Tamer. You think you had it bad, Valiant? We didn't even have rocks! We would have rejoiced to have a rock! We hit 'em square on the nose with our bare hands! And their noses were the size of small cottages, so half the time we just got sucked into their nostril! You had it easy!"

"Ha!" Another Turtle Tamer, this one missing both arms and one leg, hops up. "I would have danced a jig if I had been sucked into a turtle's nostril! You had it soft! We used to go and poke the turtle right under the tail! Sucked into their nose... what a joke!"

You wander off as a limbless neanderthal rolls up to the group and starts saying "Ugh oog eeg! Ha!" Looks like talking to old people is equally as rewarding in the afterlife as it is in The Kingdom.

---*...*---

As you wander the hallowed resting place of your ancestors, you are surprised to encounter King Yore V. "Wow, you're one of my ancestors? I never knew I had kings in my lineage."

"Oh, I'm more than that," King Yore says. "I'm actually you. Or, rather, you're me. I mean, you were me in a past life. We're the same guy."

"I used to be a king? I used to be... you?"

"Yup. You'd be surprised how many people were somebody famous in a past life. It's almost as if people use reincarnation to feed their egos."

"But if we're the same person, how are we talking to each other? It's making my non-corporeal head hurt."

"Hey, you've got a point the--" Yore says, and vanishes in a puff of metaphysics. You mosey off to find an intangible aspirin.

---*...*---

Results:You walk over to the hallowed resting place of your ancestors. The first shade you encounter, though, doesn't look at all familiar. In fact, it looks pretty damn scary. It's some sort of alien being with long, slimy tentacles and more fangs than a gothic LARP.

"Hey, I thought my ancestors would be over here," you say, backing away from the frightening apparition.

"I am your ancestor," the alien says. "In fact, I am your father. I just took this form to make you more uncomfortable."

"Ah, I guess that makes sense," you say, while thinking the opposite. "So, uh... do you have any words of eternal wisdom for me?"

"Just a few," your dad says, wiping drool off its face and replacing it with slime. "Never fall in love. Love only leads to children, and children are a curse. Stay single, kid."

"Thanks, Dad." You give your father a slightly squishy embrace and wander off, contemplating his wisdom. "Hey, wait a minute..." you say, and spin around, but your father has vanished from this plane.

---*...*---

Results:You wander the hallowed resting place of your ancestors and encounter your Grandmother.

"Grandma! It's so good to see you! I missed you so much after you died..." You try to give her a hug, but she steps back.

"Hrmph!" She stomps one tiny foot on the cloud you're standing on. "Missed me, did you? Did you ever once visit my grave? Did you pray to me before battle? Did you send flowers? Not once! You could have at least made something of yourself and let that be my tribute. But you couldn't even accomplish that much, could you? You're a failure and you'll always be one. Now go cut me a non-corporeal switch so I can teach you a lesson!"

You quickly will yourself into another aspect of Valhalla. Next time you'll be sure to seek out slightly more ancestral ancestors.

En el Vallhalla

CONTEMPLANDO EL INFINITO... Kind of Boring...

Results:You're sitting quietly on a cloud, trying to meditate, when you hear a strange metallic noise. You look over at the cloud next to you, and see a little bald kid in a robe, tying a spork in a knot. With his mind.

"Hey, kid," you say, "how are you doing that?"

"First, there was the Tao," he replies sagely. "From the Tao came forth the Server. From the Server came forth the Database. And from the Database came ten thousand things."

"...What?"

"When you realize the truth, you will see that there is no spork. It is the mind that bends."

"Your mind's pretty bent all right, kid."

---*...*---

Results:You wander around contemplating the infinite. Blah, blah, drop in the ocean of eternity, blah blah sands in the hourglass, blah blah. You see a robed, hooded figure off in the near-infinite distance and hustle over to catch up with him. It turns out to be the personification of Death. You get a little dizzy looking at him/her -- he/she switches between a robed, hooded bald guy, a robed, hooded skeleton, and a hot goth girl.

"GREETINGS." It says. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME? MAYBE SOME CHESS? OR PARCHEESI? ANYTHING BUT TWISTER. I SUCK AT TWISTER."

Death stares at you from empty eye sockets, blue eyes rimmed with eyeliner, and brown bloodshot eyes. "HAVE IT YOUR WAY. SO, WANNA PLAY SOME BATTLESHIP?"

You manage to sink Death's battleship in a modicum of eternal time. Silly blue-infinite-espousing personification of a natural force.

---*...*---

Results:You wander around Valhallalala contemplating the infinite. The best you can come up with is it's really, really big. As you contemplate adding another "really" to your assessment, you happen upon a group of shades passing around some kind of burning tube full of weeds.

"'Sup, dude?" One of them says.

"Oh, y'know, just contemplating the infinite," you say.

"Gets pretty boring, doesn't it, man?"

"Well, y'know..."

"Here, man." The shade passes you the burning tube. "Suck on this for a second. You just need to narrow your perceptions for a while. This'll get your head in a totally finite, mundane space, dude."

You take the tube and inhale some of the smoke.

Things... change.

You're fighting a fiendish can of asparagus

In the Haunted Pantry, you're attacked by a fiendish can of asparagus. Cans of asparagus aren't normally all that scary, but this one's got a knife!

You get the jump on it.

You hit for 6 damage. BONK! SOCKO! BIFF!

You win the fight!

You gain 5 Meat.

You gain 1 Beefiness.

---*...*---

Results:You wander around contemplating the infinite. You figure out that it's neverending, eternal, and also really really large. You crack a yawn as you think about how infinite it is yet again.

A fellow shade approaches you and hands you a black ball with the infinity symbol on its side. "Here," he says. "This'll help you in your contemplation."

You toss the infinity ball around for a while and notice it has a little window on its back. You look into it and see a message: "My Sources Say Yes."

What could it mean? You look into the window again and see "Concentrate and Ask Again Later."

You concentrate as hard as you can and then check the window again. "My Sources Say No."

You decide the best way to use this ball to contemplate the infinite is to chuck it as hard as you can, and contemplate that no matter how far it flies, it will be no closer to the edge of infinity.

viernes, noviembre 18, 2005

Council of Loathing: Hijos de su Pink Floyd!

"Congratulations, Adventurer! It's the end of your quest as we know it. Don't worry, we feel fine. You've freed the king and made us obsolete. Ah, well. Hail to the king, baby.

There's one little matter of obscure prophecy we forgot to tell you about, though. Sorry -- Dave, our librarian, just brought it to our attention. Apparently, your physical presence is somehow tied to the continuing monster attacks in the kingdom. As long as you remain on this plane of existence, the attacks will continue. It seems that it wasn't just the Sorceress -- the monsters just really, really don't like you.

I don't suppose you'd bugger off this mortal coil, would you? Our instruments (especially the tuba) show there's a rip in the fabric of reality that appeared when you fought the Sorceress. If you jump in there, you'll ascend to a higher plane and peace will rule our land."

King Ralph

Sorceress' Chamber

You shout "Hi-keeba!" and deliver a fierce karate chop to the prism. It shatters into a quintillion tiny pieces of magic, which whirl around the king and blow him back to safety on top of the decimated sorceress' tower.

The shards of magic form a swirling vortex in the sky, which rips a gash in the very fabric of reality. Whoops.

King Ralph the XI stands before you in all his regal glory. "I'm sorry, adventurer," he says, "but the king is in another castle." Then he breaks into a hearty chuckle. "Well done, adventurer! You laid the smack down on that skank with admirable derring-do and panache. I am eternally in your debt."

The Sorceress' Tower (Top)

A scintillating, vibrating hole in the very fabric of reality floats just above the ruins of the sorceress' chamber. Looking at it makes your eyes hurt a little bit, and the high-pitched whistling noise coming out of it doesn't help, either. Still, its siren call is hard to resist.

Combat!

"Dang it!" you shout. "How many times do I have to kill you? This battle has taken over a half an hour and there's no save point!"

"Ha! You will never defeat me!" The Sorceress cackles. There is a muffled *POP* and a slightly greasy smell as the apparition vanishes and is replaced by a nasty-looking floating sausage.

The sausage PELTS YOU WITH MYSTERY MEAT. You were never sure what was in a knob sausage, and you don't want to find out. Fortunately, your Wand of Nagamar glows brightly and the attack dissippates, leaving an EPHEMERAL, TWISTY, MUSTY TOY.

It writhes in the air, exuding a stale smell and flickering in and out of existence. Finally, it winks out altogether, leaving only the scent of mold in its wake.

The sausage attacks you with a BARRAGE OF CONDIMENTS. You mustard up the courage to wave your Wand of Nagamar, which glows brightly. The barrage disappears, and in its place you see a GRAND FABRIC MOOSE NET.

The net hangs in the air, seeking out moose to entrap. When it doesn't see any around, it vanishes.

You grit your teeth, curl your lip, and wave your Wand of Nagamar one last time. Reality bends and twists around you as you are nearly blown backwards by the Wand's power. A FAMISHED KNOB GOBLIN appears where the flying fish had been.

He walks over to the sausage and devours it in three bites, then wanders back towards Cobb's Knob.

"Wow, that was anticlimactic," you think. But the sorceress has been defeated and the way to the imprismed king is clear.

================================From Multi Czar (#6) [reply] [quoted]Date: Thursday, November 03, 01:43PMPlease send us a list of the specific things that you lost. The important items among what you lost can be returned if you tell us what they were.================================

jueves, noviembre 03, 2005

Resuelto el quest de los zombies

Doc Galaktik disappears into the back of his wagon for a few minutes, then reemerges, holding a blowfish. "Whoops," he says, goes back, and reemerges holding a blowgun.

"Here you are, my friend! This is loaded with a dart coated with a single dose of my patented Gray Plague innoculation, Ofuxxor™"

You acquire an item: loaded serum blowgun

loaded serum blowgun

This blowgun contains a dart coated in Ofuxxor™ serum. Are you plagued by gray chat? Is your text getting lighter and lighter? Do you cough more than you hic? Ofuxxor™ can help. Ask your doctor about Ofuxxor™ today!

Ofuxxor™ may cause missing limbs, lack of marmosets, and overall malaise. Pregnant women, or men who are impregnated with alien embryos, should not take Ofuxxor.

martes, noviembre 01, 2005

28 days into the Future

Aca está una nueva aventura del Council of Loathing:

Ah, good, just the Adventurer we wanted to see. We expect that, by now, you've noticed all the temporal rifts popping up around the Kingdom. Well, in our historical archive, we found an old medical journal dating back to the Cola Wars. Apparently, many soldiers on both sides of the war were infected by a mysterious plague, contracted from some of the many unexpected reinforcements that joined the two armies during the battle for the Nearby Plains. The symptoms described sound eerily similar to the plague that's been infecting our population in the present time.

The bad news is: the journal says that, left uncured, the Gray Plague turns those infected with it into mindless, slavering zombies. The good news is: the military doctors were able to formulate a vaccine for the Gray Plague. The other bad news is: the primary ingredient for the cure is a certain gland found in the heads of the aforementioned zombies.

However, we've been able to come up with a solution. Don't ask how, but we've managed to create a rift that leads to a temporal location of our choosing, to wit: the Seaside Town, 28 days from now, after the entire population of the Kingdom has transformed into zombies. We need you to travel there and collect the ingredients for the cure, and then bring them back to the current time so that we can figure out how to immunize the citizens of Loathing against the infection.

Oh, and don't try to leave the town while you're in the future, as the rest of the Kingdom is highly radioactive. Apparently, one of us decided -- um, decides? Will be going to decide? -- that nuking the Kingdom from orbit would be the only way to be sure. It probably will have sounded like a good idea at the time.