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Topic: Etiquette to rude people (Read 17113 times)

There's something very Miss Havisham about how this family is reacting to the untimely death of their daughter; like maybe, just maybe, if they keep pretending that nothing has changed ("Look, her BF is still here for dinner/family time!") then it will be like the death never happened.

It's very, very sad, but it's also not healthy.

I agree - and the other thing to remember (from another similar thread about this family) is that the boyfriend wasn't with the daughter for a long period of time before she died - I know things can move fast when you find 'the one' but for the family to get so attached so quickly makes things seem more strange IMHO

I agree that the main problem is with your BF. No doubt the family is being rude. I don't fault them (the family or your BF) for honoring someone they loved by remaining close with each other, but they also need to realize that all of them are moving on with life. To continue their relationship, they need to accept you as part of BF's life. If your BF cannot insist that they do and cannot stick up for you when they are so openly rude, then you should have a big big problem with him.

I think I told you this in your last thread, but my DH is a window and is still very close with his late wife's family. In turn, I spend time with them as I do my family and in-laws. No doubt that they are sad at their daughter's untimely passing (sometimes overwhelmingly so) and that my presence in their life is only because her's is gone. I don't even doubt that they often wish that DD was the child that DH and their daughter bore (they had no children together). Still, they've always treated me with warmth and graciousness. They honor thier daughter's memory everyday and rejoice that they and DH have found life and happiness after such a tragedy.

And if they didn't...DH would do something about it...even if it meant no longer visiting with them. Luckily, that has never been an issue or a consideration.

During this entire time, bf didn't say much but he knew I didn't want to go in the first place. I believe he just want the night to be over as much as I do. At the end of the night, he thanked me for going with him.

I assume I won't be able to avoid this family in the long run but I don't know how else i can respond to this rudeness.

If I were in this situation, my boyfriend would either have my back or he would see my back walking away.

I hereby park my POD right here. Someone who is closer to him than they are to you called you a monster who is high maintenance and he... just... stood by? And said nothing? Did nothing? Passed it off like it was meant as a "joke"? That's not right, OP. That's not right at all.

Logged

Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why paper has to be weighed down? ~Don Aslett

I agree with PPs saying the problem here is with your BF. If you see them less frequently and he still doesn't stand up to the disrespect, then the underlying problem doesn't change. It just happens less.

And this from the OP also bothered me a little: "My boyfriend's ex-gf past away and he became her parent's god-son (don't ask me why, I don't know and after 14months of dating, I have learned to ignore that issue)"

Part of what bothers you might be that there are dynamics here that everyone is aware of but you. That was a leap on my part, but I know it would bother me. In fact, I wouldn't accept it. They're not the past, they're the present.

It's not rude to simply walk away, or ignore someone who's acting like an idiot when he calls you a monster. But I think the larger issue is avoiding the situation in the first place, and that's where your Bf comes in.

I'm actually really confused about something. I always thought that Godparents were appointed by the parents of a young child in some religions, and charged with the spiritual upbringing of that child. I've never heard of god-siblings or anything like that.

Are you trying to say that your boyfriend's dead girlfriend's parents appointed themselves his spiritual mentor or are you trying to say they've decided he's their "adopted son"?

If I were in this situation, my boyfriend would either have my back or he would see my back walking away.

I could not agree more.

OP, this situation is hideous. I really can't believe your boyfriend puts you through this. There is absolutely no way I would continue to have dinner with these people. If your boyfriend wants to continue this ridiculous charade, then he should feel free to. But without you.

In a healthy relationship, there shouldn't be anything you've "learned to ignore". Well, with the possible exception of "he leaves his socks on the floor" or the toothpaste is always bent in the middle. Time takes the edge off of a lot in marriage .

That said, this is bizarre. Your BF wasn't married to the dead GF, they were dating and not very long at that. I get her parents are grieving, but not only do they have a strange relationship with the BF, they are downright nasty to you. I would refuse to socialize with them, and I would be having a big think about seeing a guy who didn't go ballistic when his girlfriend was called a "monster". I would be thinking about a guy who thought this was normal and made excuses, and what possible reason he would have to socialize with them himself.

I think that there is a dynamic here that would keep a full team of psychologists happily busy for months, if not years.

I agree with others - it appears that while some families can't bear to get rid of the deceased's things, this family is clinging to her relationships. Your boyfriend wants, I'm sure, to be kind - but if he isn't careful, he'll end up with a godfamily (whatever that is), but none of his own. These people are emotional vampires, and are never going to accept you as his choice to live in the present.

I think that there is a dynamic here that would keep a full team of psychologists happily busy for months, if not years.

I agree with others - it appears that while some families can't bear to get rid of the deceased's things, this family is clinging to her relationships. Your boyfriend wants, I'm sure, to be kind - but if he isn't careful, he'll end up with a godfamily (whatever that is), but none of his own. These people are emotional vampires, and are never going to accept you as his choice to live in the present.

I agree with Twik. (And I was also going to ask if your boyfriend's late GF's name is "Rebecca"?!)

This is not a healthy situation for anyone. The kindest thing I can say about the late GF's family is that they are unwittingly taking their grief out on you. Or rather, your role as their daughter's "replacement". Unless your boyfriend is very firm with them about how they treat you, they'll never really accept you. And as a PP said, there will always be a third person (ie the late GF) in your relationship.