Episode 50: “Right on Q”

Written by “Krenim”

Published January 23, 2002

Admiral Picard, having arrived back at Starbase 47 after the Fortyseventhspace Incident, was sitting (if sitting is the correct word for a disembodied head) at his desk working on all the necessary reports. Suddenly, there was a flash of light behind him. Picard didn’t even need to be facing it to know what the flash meant. “What do you want, Q?”

Sure enough, it was Q, still wearing a Voyager-era uniform. “Do I really need a reason to visit you, mon capitan?”

“I’m an admiral now, Q.”

“I know, but I have no idea what the French word for ‘admiral’ is. Anyway, what are you up to these days?”

“I’m busy filling out reports, Q, so if you wouldn’t mind, leave me alone so I can finish them.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re even less fun than you used to be.”

“Q...”

“Come on, mon capitan, have a heart! In fact, have an entire body! My treat!”

Q snapped his fingers. Picard’s disembodied head suddenly found itself on the body of a giraffe. Needless to say, Picard was not amused. “Q, stop this foolishness right now!”

“I would, Picard, but the fact is that I’m quite bored. I thought I’d have a little fun with you to pass the time.”

Back on the formerly evil Excelsior, Captain Braxton sat alone in the Mess Hall. “Captain’s Log: It’s yet another miserable day aboard the Excelsior. Life stinks. Wait a minute... This isn’t my log, this is my french toast! Now I have to start all over again...”

All of a sudden, Q flashed into existence in the seat next to Braxton. “Hi there!”

Q took a look at Braxton’s uniform. “Well, that’s just great! Starfleet changes uniforms so often that it’s hard to keep up!” With that, Q’s 24th Century uniform changed to a modern 29th Century one.

Q grinned. “Oh, I don’t think you want me off your ship. See, Braxton and I have come to an arrangement. You guys keep me not bored for a while, and I see what I can do about his little destiny problem.”

“Oh, well, that sounds reasonable. How exactly do we keep you not bored?”

“Good question. Hmm... I know!”

Q snapped his fingers, and all the men on the ship were suddenly in tutus. He laughed hysterically. “Now that’s funny! I’m going to go think up some more fun things. I’ll be back in a little bit.” And with that, Q vanished.

Sulu sighed. “Well, while he’s thinking, I’m going to go change out of this tutu...”

“Captain’s Log: Well, it seems every time I change into a uniform, it turns into a tutu. I wonder what else Q is going to do to us...”

Sulu left his quarters (in a tutu, of course). He ran into Dax, who was giggling at him. Sulu frowned. “Stop laughing, Dax. Besides, I’m sure Q will do something to you soon enough...”

As if on cue, Dax suddenly sprouted a mustache. Now it was Sulu’s turn to laugh.

Kes came running down the hallway. “Captain Sulu, all the women onboard have sprouted mustaches!”

Sulu looked at Kes. “Well, except for you, it seems...”

“Hey, I’ve got nearly-omnipotent powers, remember? I can keep Q’s little parlor tricks at bay. He’d have to expend quite a bit of energy to affect me. So nyah!”

Q’s voice, coming out of nowhere, said, “Oh, I would, would I?”

And with that, Kes’ head turned into a telephone. Not only that, but it began ringing. Sulu answered it. Out of the receiver, Kes’ voice was yelling, “If this doesn’t end soon, I’m going to kill Q!”

“He can turn your head into a telephone. I doubt you can kill him.”

“Maybe not, but I can sure try...”

Sulu, Dax, and Kes stormed onto the Excelsior’s bridge, where Q was keeping himself amused. He had apparently turned a few of the ship’s nameless crew members into Smurfs. Sulu pointed at Q and shouted, “Q, stop this now!”

“Okay.”

“Really? Just like that?”

“Well, if Braxton wants me to. But if he wants me to stop, I won’t help him.”

Q snapped his fingers, and everything went back to normal. Braxton sat down in the nearest chair and went back to being depressed. Q thought for a second. “Well, I guess I’ve been amused enough, anyway... Besides, I’ve already seen this time loop once, and I hate reruns. Now, let Uncle Q tell you all a bedtime story...”

Suddenly, the bridge was filled with beds, each with a senior staff member in it. Another flash of light brought a rocking chair into existence, which Q sat in.

“Once upon a time, there was once a species similar to your own. They too had developed temporal technology, and used it to look into their own futures. Unfortunately, when they tried to alter their fates, they failed because of the paradoxes involved. So, their best scientists got to work on an amazing device that could eliminate paradoxes and allow them to change their destinies. It was called the Plah D’Viz...”

“You mean the Plot Device?”

“Braxton?”

“What?”

“Shut up!”

“Sorry...”

“Anyway, this species eventually disappeared from the galaxy, but the Plah D’Viz still exists.”

“Where?”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Because if Kathy taught me one thing, it was that humans like doing things for themselves.”

“No we don’t! She lied! We love having things done for us!”

“Now now... I’m not going to deny you the fun of finding it yourselves. Anyway, find the Plah D’Viz, and you’re free. The End.”

The Bridge returned to normal. Q took a bow. “And with that, I bid you adieu. Of course, I’ll probably show up in a season or two to brighten your little lives...”

And with that, Q vanished.

“Captain’s Log: It’s Captain Braxton this time, not Captain Sulu. Having two captains is really confusing, isn’t it? Anyway, for the first time in a while, I feel good. Now we have to find the Plot Device...”

“The Plah D’Viz, sir.”

“Shut up, Ducane! I’ll call it whatever I want to! Anyway, all we have to do is find the stupid thing, and I’ll never have to worry about the Braxton Bunch again! Now... How I am going to find it...?”

UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, it’s time for another one of those wacky recaps!