Letters From My Friends

Friday, July 11, 2003

I was so glad to see you and President Bush being friends again at the G-8 Summit. All friends have their spats from time to time, but then they have to kiss and make up.

I think Bush has been mad at you ever since your cabinet secretary said he was as bad as Hitler. What an outrage! We all know Bush isn’t as bad as Hitler! For one thing, he hasn’t even been president all that long! And right after that, a Canadian minister called him a “moron.” So I think he was just having a bad week, and maybe he said a few things he shouldn’t have.

Anyway, I’m glad things are getting better between you two. Did you see him driving Mubarak around in that golf cart? I bet next time you see him, he’ll be driving you around in a golf cart, too!

First, I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your smashing “Coalition” Victory! The whole world was “shocked and awed.” Don’t worry about those WMD’s--I know they’ll show up. My theory is Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are bunkered down together, somewhere deep underground, sitting on the entire WMD stockpile--it’s the only thing that makes sense. So think of it this way, when you catch one, you’ll catch ‘em all. Then the world will be free from terrorism!

I saw you at the G-8 Meeting--you looked a little tired, which is totally understandable--you’ve been under a lot of strain lately. I have a question: I noticed President Bush was wearing an American flag pin on his lapel, but you weren’t. This wasn’t an intentional slight, was it? I mean, our president has made it clear, “You’re with us or you’re against us.”

Maybe your American flag pin got lost at the laundromat or something. That kind of stuff happens all the time. I just want to make sure, because if you’re not wearing our flag, how are we to know for certain if you’re with us or against us? You’re with us, aren’t you, sir?

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

P.S. You were there--whose English is better: President Bush’s or Prime Minister Chirac’s?

I can’t tell you how relieved I was to see you and President Bush at the G8 Meeting, being friends again! You guys were too close to let something like a war come between you.

I remember when you first met and President Bush said he looked into your eyes and saw your soul. Remember that? I wonder what he saw? Do you think maybe he was using some kind of electronic device?

Did you see into his soul? What did it look like? Has it changed since last time?

Now that you two are friends again, you might be able to pass on a message from me: I’ve been trying to tell him that the American flag pin he wears on his lapel is crooked. He doesn’t seem to notice. I know it’s a touchy subject, but if your friends can’t tell you, who can? He might listen to you more than he does to me.

I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you and Bush are friends again! Here in America we say: “Let bygones be bygones.” We say: “It’s water under the bridge.” Sometimes you just have to let these things pass, even if it is totally the other guy’s fault.

Anyway, it warmed my heart to see the two of you smiling and shaking hands and everything. I have a question: Bush was wearing an American flag pin on his lapel, but you weren’t wearing any pin at all. My theory is that he tried to make you wear an American flag pin too, and you flat-out refused, but to offer a compromise, instead of wearing a French flag pin, you wore no flag pin at all. Am I right?

Also, no matter how many times I write Bush and tell him his flag pin is crooked, he keeps wearing it that way. I hope you guys weren’t all laughing at him.

Did you hear what our Deputy Defense Secretary Wolfowitz said? He said the real reason we attacked Iraq was because we wanted to withdraw our bases from Saudi Arabia. He said we used the Weapons of Mass Destruction story for “bureaucratic reasons.”

So I guess Hans Blix was right all along. I’ve written a letter to President Bush alerting him to this development. I suggested he apologize to you. I hope if he does, you will accept it graciously. I’m not getting my hopes up, though. He’s pretty stubborn. (Also, his aides say he’s intelligent but not articulate--but just between you and me, I’m starting to wonder if maybe he’s missing a couple of slide rules in his tool kit.)

Anyway, he must be pretty embarrassed after all those things he said about the UN being irrelevant and everything. And now Wolfowitz! I know you’ll be gracious and won’t gloat. Just give him some wiggle room to save face, and then maybe the UN can go over to Iraq and pitch in, and we can all be friends again.

Did you hear what our Deputy Defense Secretary Wolfowitz said? He said the real reason we attacked Iraq was because we wanted to withdraw our bases from Saudi Arabia. He said we used the Weapons of Mass Destruction story for “bureaucratic reasons.”

So I guess you were right all along. I’ve written a letter to President Bush alerting him to this development. I suggested he apologize to you. I hope if he does, you will accept it graciously. I’m not getting my hopes up, though. He’s pretty stubborn. (Also, his aides say he’s intelligent but not articulate--but just between you and me, I’m starting to wonder if maybe he’s missing a couple hammers in his tool kit.)

Anyway, he must be pretty embarrassed after beating you up for not finding WMD’s and now we can’t find them either. And Wolfowitz! I know you’ll be gracious and won’t gloat or anything. Just give him some wiggle room to save face, and then maybe the UN can go over to Iraq and help out, and we can all be friends again.