We Rank The Bachelorette Dudes Again

By Daniel Colasimone - 16 Oct 2015

Our patented Bachelorette Power Rankings™ ladder is starting to look a bit sparse now as the show lurches into its final weeks.

Only three blokes remain, so barring the surprise addition of 12 intruder bachelors next week, we might have to come up with a different format for this. Bachelorette Power Ping Pong? I dunno, send in your suggestions on the back of a postcard.

To be quite frank, I am more concerned about Sam’s wellbeing than anything else at this stage. Over two episodes this week she consumed 18 glasses of wine by my count, and I’m sure she’s powering through a lot more off camera. No wonder she is constantly snogging dudes and calling everyone ‘Beautiful … such a beautiful person.’

Whoever wins is probably going to have to wait until Wham Bam Pash-me Sam gets out of rehab before they can get married.

OK, maybe I had Alex at the *cough* top last week and didn’t foresee his catastrophic fall from grace, but how was I know the geezer had NO hometown and NO family aside from some cranky sister from New Zealand? He also ejaculated out the line ‘No amount of waves could dampen the sparkle that you have’ and grossly called his sis ‘darling’, so probably deserves to slither back to the hometown-less Hellscape from whence he came. Yep, that’s how quickly I turn on people.

Here’s how our favourite Big W catalogue models stack up now.

1. Sasha

It pains me to say it, but the Big Unit from Bowral has raced to the top of the leaderboard. He knows the secret to Sam’s heart is keeping her boozed up to the brim, so he told her he lives in a vineyard. There were FOUR bottles of wine for them to share when they sat down for their date, and I am not even exaggerating this time. Homeboy’s got game.

Sasha even wrote Sam a beautiful love ballad … oh that’s right he got his creepy friend with a keyboard to write her a love ballad, which is almost as good?

Best of all, he pulled out the L-word several times, which is some next-level shit compared to the other guys. If this were an arms race, Sash just went nuclear by discovering how to split the atom. Bad, example, he’s dumb as dogshit. If this were a dildo party, Sasha just flopped his actual schlong out. There.

2. Richie

Richie is the only guy I’ve actually liked on this show as, unlike the other galoots, he is able to NOT BE A WANKER 24/7.

Sam is obviously buying what he is selling, too, though he did expose a few weaknesses this week.

Firstly, he took her to Perth. And who else lives in Perth? Blake!! For goodness sake, man, the girl is obviously still completely messed up about that, so pretend you live in Adelaide or Darwin or something – it’s fricken TV, you can do anything you like. There was a genuine chance that Blake could have popped out from behind a tree and proposed to Sam at any time, and you know what? Sam is so fragile right now she almost certainly would have said yes again.

Also Richie had a very clingy family and weirdly intense friends. Worst of all, his catchphrase has evolved from ‘coolbeans’ to ‘coolsticks’. Son, you’re in with a chance here. Don’t say coolsticks again.

3. Michael

Logan Lightning soccerball superstar Michael, recently returned from picking up his sixth Ballon D’Or award, has a knack of whispering sweet nothings to a girl that come off sounding like veiled threats. ‘The decision is yours in the end. But to be honest, I can’t see a future without you.’

I’d be slowly backing away if I were Sam at this point. But she seems to dig it. Poor innocent Sam doesn’t even seem surprised that she manages to easily score a bunch of goals past him, even though he has won four World Cups with the Socceroos and captained Real Madrid and Manchester United.

4. Michael’s Dad

Step up Michael’s dad. This silver fox charmed the socks off our heroine with his profound life advice and sweet apartment views.

Keep a close eye on this Lothario – we know Sam has a penchant for older men.

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By Daniel Colasimone

You think darkness is your ally? Dan was born in it, moulded by it. He didn’t see the light until he was already a man. Raised on the mean streets of Bundaberg, he has ended up in Brisbane by way of Italy, South Korea, Argentina and a few other places. When not covering sportsy stuff for the ABC, he writes a fortnightly column for The Urban List on the world of man stuff. Twitter: @DanColasimone

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