Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Our fertility journey started way back in 2011. Within that year we attempted 5 IUI's (artificial insemination) only to result in negative results.

Little did I know that my fertility journey would start there, then....with Clomid. I didn't have too bad of a response to Clomid, in comparison to others. My face felt like it was constantly melting, but I didn't experience the emotional roller-coaster some women do.

Now IVF was another story.

The hot flashes. The swelling. Weight gain. Bruising from the shots. The emotions. The tenderness (of body parts and emotions). The oversized ovaries. The puffiness. Pudginess.

The UGH.

By 2012, my body was not my own. Not anymore. I was now a pin cushion. A foundation of progesterone and estrogen.

But it was all worth it.

Then when we lost Grace....something snapped. And I became determined to get my body back.

We all know that feeling.

The feeling of WANTING TO BE IN CONTROL AGAIN. Or to feel like yourself again. To get back to where we were, who we were and into the jeans from 10 years ago.

We punish ourselves. Diet. Exercise. Diet. Diet. Diet. More exercise.

I'm guilty of it.

I just didn't have a small bundle of joy to remind me of WHY I went through it all to begin with.

Then we did IVF again.

And it didn't work again.

And I was back on the path of regaining myself, my body, my sanity and my mind.

Then I stood still.

Since our last miscarriage I have been overly determined to be better than I was before.

Stronger.
Faster.
Fitter.
Tighter.
Toner (is that a word)?

And I know some people thought I was had completely lost it.

I was strict.
Too strict sometimes.
I was picky.
I was scrutinizing labels and brands.
I was cutting things out left and right.

And it was slowly working.

It was something I could control, so I did.
With all my might.

But it still left me with the wanting, this desire, this longing....for a belly.

A big, round belly with a baby inside of it.

I think it is beautiful.
I think it is fascinating.

It's a total miracle.

And I wish women would enjoy it more.
I wish they would see the gift of that belly and the badge of honor it represents.

Because there is always time to get back to yourself, your body and those skinny jeans.
There is always time to get stronger, faster, fitter, tighter, toner.

But for at least one year.....you got to experience true beauty.
And then you get to live with that beauty for the rest of your life.

And not everyone gets that.

Jealous.

I have given up on the notion that I HAVE TO BE PREGNANT to enjoy pregnancy.
I am perfectly happy with how things have worked out.
Clearly, my body just doesn't work - and that's okay.

But I still look at bellies and wish.
Small pangs of jealousy.
Some curiosity.
A lot of wonder.