Half man, half wolf, all bollocks. Prepare to don your tight leather kecks and wolf out like teen wolf, well more like teen wolf too actually (yeah, that bad), in an attempt to not get killed by metallic, killer, bird, monsters with nothing but the shortest reach in the world and a fireball that looks like you’re flicking matches in a pathetic show of just how crap a game can be. It’s going to be a bumpy ride, boys and girls, buckle up and kiss your cash and your sanity goodbye!

Gameplay

Altered Beast was always a mediocre experience at best (or a god awful one depending on which version you where playing), but the idea of transforming into a powerful nocturnal hunter and ripping some ear slices clean off is always going to be an attractive premise for a game. So why oh why do game developers keep getting it so horrifically wrong? Well I ain't got the answer to that question but I do have Wolfchild stinking up my collection, and never before have I been more disappointed in a game (apart from any of the truly piss poor 3D Castlevanias - the N64 ones nearly broke my mind – funnily enough one of which starred a Lycanthrope…hmm I see a stinky pattern emerging here).

In Wolfchild you take control of a leather clad buffoon, who goes by the typically over the top ‘heroic’ name of Saul Morrow, and traverse various, not bad/not great looking, levels to absolutely no background music or atmosphere. Then you’ll punch a few mecha-bird looking enemies (apparently they’re chimera terrorists - whatever) provided you can reach them with your ludicrously short, beefy, reach. Luckily though if you collect enough power-ups you'll soon be transformed into a mega-powerful, ultra-cool, uber-ferocious...oh sorry that's some other, more satisfying, game...in this heap you actually change into an equally leather clad, hairy, lupine, dingus who throws pathetic fireballs that make the enemies bullets look like nukes. All wrong, so, so, very wrong - like the smell of a fart making you hungry. The wolf transformation is nothing more that a frame or two of light then you’re a wolf who just looks like a brown, pointier version of your original character – no growth in size or bulk, no difference in speed or jumping height, just another big let down tacked onto the most underwhelming game in my collection. The booklet contains a truly dreadful fold-out comic of the contrived ‘they killed my mother and stole my dad’ story and looking at the art in that monstrosity I can see why the entire thing is so horrifyingly subpar, which leads me onto the graphics section quite nicely.

Graphics

Here is one point where the game doesn't fall completely flat on its hairy arse. Apart from everything to do with your pathetic character the whole thing looks as sharp at a shark tooth and runs smoothly as particularly well whisked homemade custard. It’s just unfortunate that anyone with even a slightly artistic eye amongst us, and probably those of us that don’t, will recognize that as sharp as the graphics are the entire character design, and general overall design, is far, far, less than impressive. Animation is stiff and the characters are more than a bit cruddy looking and redundant. This is, unfortunately, no less apparent than in the player character who looks tiny, pathetic and just plain terrible.

Sound & Music

No music, turgid sound effects. Absolutely not a thing to write home about. A shocking fuax pas on the part of the developers here. This kind of thing should not happen, ever, but more specifically it shouldn’t happen at such a late stage in a consoles life. When developers are supposed to be getting the most out of the hardware it just seems like the developers of Wolfchild said ‘balls to it let’s have a smoke and laugh while the money pours in.’ Quite frankly I hope everyone who had anything to do with this game bangs their shins or stands on a plug. Bastards! Now I’m sorry to bang on about this but the lack of music does nothing to lend to the already ailing character design. Look at it like this: as mediocre as Altered Beast was, and still is, at least when you change into a beast the music speeds up and a sense of ‘oomf!’ takes over. Also in most other games when the boss appears you usually get a menacing music change to add some atmosphere to the impending battle, but Wolfchild has none of this, and it all just adds to the amassing disappointment. I feel like I’m banging on but it has to be said: this is dire.

Controls

Spot on enough, but nothing can make up for your short, ineffective, punch attack or the fact that the game could bore the trotters off a wild hog. It’s not that the controls are broken or anything, like I said they’re functional, it’s just that your character is a dog in more than his genetic make up.

Replay Value

Scores

If you manage to drag your mind through to the other end of this brain laxative then you're A.) A stronger person than I, and B.) Slightly mental, and finally C.) Never going to put yourself through it ever again, providing it hasn't already done you permanent damage.

Conclusion

Avoid this puke puddle at all costs or you'll find yourself feeling so empty you'll wonder how you'll ever fill the hole in your soul. A gaming vacuum the likes of which your money shall never escape from, plus it's fairly rare so you may have to shell out for this badboy to the vultures on EBay - but trust your creepy uncle HotDiggerdyDamn: Save your pennies for something more productive and interesting, like a vicious backstreet enema. Peace out!