107615895630202138

Feb 8, 2004
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Interesting night. Well the main part wasn’t that interesting, just a family dinner with relos and my uncle from overseas. The interesting part was a convo I had with someone… There are some things I didn’t know of before which kind of put things into perspective a bit more now that I know. It doesn’t really change my thoughts any more on the matter, but just further explains some things that are happening around me – or rather have been and still are. From what I’ve heard, if things go on the way as they have been these last few years, things really will fall apart, and some of us may even go an have a nervous/mental breakdown. Which may or may not be a good thing… I don’t know. After my little episode I’ve handled shit better and all… but at the same time I can more easily keep it inside because it is not confusing and troubling me as much, which I suppose is bad. In a way though its probably ‘cos I’ve partly given up and don’t really give a flying f@#k anymore about certain things. If you’ve read and been following my blogs you probably know what this whole post is about… and yeah I sound evil and mean in this (and previous) posts… but its too much. Lives have been screwed around, and still are. And seriously when it comes to the fact you can’t rely on your own family (as kinda mentioned in a previous post), its about time you give up. I’m not going to say I don’t have a family, because I still do and forever will (no matter what happens in the future), but we’re not existant in a way as far as I’m concerned now. I don’t know what I really think of that, never really been one to be in touch with my inner feelings, so maybe I’m bitter and twisted deep down inside? Truthfully, probably am, and most likely related to reasons which have finally reached the point that I am exasperating about (and have been since who knows when). Oh and interesting point was the mentioning that I have ‘changed’ in the last few months… hell no. Lol… though mentioned something about me being hard to read… lol… like I don’t know that. I doubt I’ve changed in the last few months, maybe over the last 2 or so years is a better thing to say. But not in the way they said/meant/saw. There are lots that people don’t/won’t know. Some are maybe better clued and know certain things here and there, but I doubt anyone knows everything… well that’s near impossible. We probably should all go see a shrink or something, but that won’t happen either. I did think of doing so myself a while back when times were dark and it was suggested, but yeah I managed to get through all that crap which was happening. Crap still happens, but maybe I’m stronger now from experiences and people I’ve been lucky enough to encounter in life and help me on my way…

This has been a *really* long post, and I should go to sleep before checking my stuff to make sure I’ve got everything tomorrow, so laters. Don’t feel scared/bad/concerned about anything I wrote above, its just a means by which I can express my thoughts more vocally (for me anyway). I’m not going to do anything stupid (have stepped out of that hole). I’m just waiting to see how it all pans out…

Seeya all in a week… email me if you want and fill me in with what’s happening. I’ll read it as soon as I get back next Sunday after my computer and internet free week!