I had thought about doing this for quite some time now and thought I'd take the plunge. After all, my whole world is upside down, so why not create a blog? It might be cathartic to write to myself and if people enjoy reading my thoughts, hopes, and plans, then I've done a good thing in the world.

So, what's on my mind is my upcoming birthday. I will be 42 and I'm feeling as though I should have accomplished more by now. I am losing my job as of Sept. 30th and even though I am underpaid for what I could do and the time and education I have, I like having a place to go in the morning and my co-workers. I don't really enjoy what I'm doing, but I haven't found what that elusive whatever it is that I enjoy doing yet. Sometimes I feel as though there is really nothing I could make a living at and really have fun doing, so I might as well do something I am reasonably good at surrounded by people I like and that should be enough. Then, I hear about friends or family who love what they do and enjoy going to work and I wonder......couldn't I find my bliss and be happy to get up in the morning and go to work? I expect that I will be thinking more of that in the days to come.

I am just frustrated. My dancing is on permanent hold until I am working again and have the discretionary income to spend on dancing. There's always the job search looming in the back of my mind; I need to start exercising again, both for my mental health and the fact that its a good thing to get out and the fact that I need to take better care of myself. All I want to do these days is curl up with a good book.

However, on the brigher side of things, I am blessed to be surrounded by good friends who make sure that I am not down on myself for long and my family, who, while maybe not always being the most supportive, love me very much. I keep focusing on the positive and telling myself that things are going to be fine and there is nothing to worry about. And, interestingly enough, I am not upset about not having this job as of Sept. 30th. Maybe its because I've been here before or maybe it is because I will be paid through the end of December and I'm not panicking yet, or maybe its because I knew this job wasn't a good fit and, as a friend of mine says, its the universe giving you a major wake-up call! If that is the truth, then I am grateful to the universe for helping me do what I could not do myself.

In the meantime, I will continue to work with my feelings of not really accomplishing much in my life, what I really enjoy and could actually do for a living, and being grateful for the things I have. Vive vt vivas

I don't really enjoy what I'm doing, but I haven't found what that elusive whatever it is that I enjoy doing yet. Sometimes I feel as though there is really nothing I could make a living at and really have fun doing, so I might as well do something I am reasonably good at surrounded by people I like and that should be enough. Then, I hear about friends or family who love what they do and enjoy going to work and I wonder......couldn't I find my bliss and be happy to get up in the morning and go to work? I expect that I will be thinking more of that in the days to come.

Know the feeling here too. I don't know what's worse--not knowing what you want to do, or knowing what you want to do but not being able to do it (which is the situation I'm in). I do think that if you're not doing something you love, you should try your hardest to get paid more for it than if you were doing something you love. You won't be getting that kind of satisfaction from your job, so my reasoning is that you deserve more money so you can explore other interests that WILL satisfy you, like dancing. For example, if I managed to find a job working with songwriters, I wouldn't be getting paid very much at all and I more than likely couldn't afford lessons. But I could go home at the end of the day happy and content with my life. But if I'm not enjoying my job, I won't go home with that same satisfaction, so I'd have to get it from somewhere else. Make sense?

What has the podiatrist said about your feet? Have you tried the frozen water bottle trick?

My offer of help stands, dream. If there's anything I can do, just let me know.

Logged

People can be divided into three classes: the few who make things happen, the many who watch things happen and the overwhelming majority who have no idea what has happened - Warren Miller's "Off The Grid"

Whoops! Forgot to give an update on my podiatrist. Well, first of all, he is a cutie. I think I just let the first part of whatever he was saying about my feet wash over my head because my internal thoughts ran something like this: "....he's cute! Hmmmm....no wedding ring, but he must be around my age-ish, so he is probably married, but no ring. I wonder.....no, that only happens in the movies and I am not living in the movies....but it could happen! Oh, wait, he's saying something I probably should listen to....."

Anyway, once I got over my silly teen-age girl moment, he explained to me the myriad of things wrong with my feet and recommended orthotics to "slow the progression" of the plantar fascitis and everything else. Apparently, I have a heel spur, too, and he was surprised it wasn't giving me problems. So, I am going back to the office to have a cast made so I can get orthotics. He didn't say anything about dancing or not dancing, so I'll be sure to ask next week. I did show him my dance shoes and he laughed. Luckily, I'm not wearing 3 inch Latin shoes, but just a litle 1.5-2 inch court shoe. I am allowed to wear heels, but I think I need to ask about strappy sandals and other fun shoes because I refuse to wear orthopedic oxfords!!!!!!

My foot has not hurt me or been swollen for over 6 weeks, but then, I haven't been doing anything except going to work and the library! So, there's been no reason for it to give me problems. This is a problem I will have for life, so I need to adjust.

Thanks for asking, MC, and I will give everyone updates next week. Medira, I will be asking for help, soon, I would expect. I found a well paying job actually practicing law of a kind, working with securities and since I have 3 licenses to sell securities and supervise people selling securities, I think I will apply. It would be nice not to worry about money and afford to dance while I search for something to do that will make me happy. If I got to a place where I had a schedule, I think I would like to volunteer as a Guardian ad Litem for children in the court system. After working for legal services for 3 years, I have an abiding interest in protecting the victims of domestic abuse and the ones who get hurt the most are the children. I seem to have a desire to "fix" situations....not people, but place people in better situations so that they have the ability to help themselves. The most frustrating thing about legal services was when I was able to get a woman a divorce from an abuser, to allow her to have a better life, and then I would hear from her about a year later when she was married to yet another abuser and needed another divorce. It is truly a horrible cycle and I would like to do something to slow the cycle down.

Whoops! Forgot to give an update on my podiatrist. Well, first of all, he is a cutie. I think I just let the first part of whatever he was saying about my feet wash over my head because my internal thoughts ran something like this: "....he's cute! Hmmmm....no wedding ring, but he must be around my age-ish, so he is probably married, but no ring. I wonder.....no, that only happens in the movies and I am not living in the movies....but it could happen! Oh, wait, he's saying something I probably should listen to....."

I did show him my dance shoes and he laughed. Luckily, I'm not wearing 3 inch Latin shoes, but just a litle 1.5-2 inch court shoe. I am allowed to wear heels, but I think I need to ask about strappy sandals and other fun shoes because I refuse to wear orthopedic oxfords!!!!!!

You might want to look into getting some cushy practice shoes. I know they absolutely save my feet on a regular basis (although I DO have to wear the 3" Latin monsters). The pair I have: http://www.supadance.com/acatalog/1026_Black_Leather.html The good thing about these babies is that they're nearly indestructible. Literally, I've had those for a few years now and they're not worn in the slightest, and they molded to my feet just the 2nd time I wore them.

I know I should be able to dance equally as well in practice shoes (which I have) and my court shoes, but I find it easier to do pivots and heel turns in the practice shoes, so I really do need to, I think, be dancing in my court shoes. The shoes look comfy, MC, and I'll keep them in mind. Thanks!

Yeah well, if the shoes are the difference between getting to dance or not to, you can always go back to the courts later. That's what I do, actually--I only pull out the heels when it's getting close to showcase or comp time. Although I do it to keep my heels nice, LOL. I've found that pretty much everything is easier in the practice shoes!

Its a bit surreal here in the office discussing training my replacement with my supervisor. Ah well, onward and upward, I guess. On one hand, it would be nice to be appreciated for the little things I do that aren't considered much, but are very important and it would be nice to see that my supervisor realizes that I do take care of certain things. On the other hand, well, I don't think she's thinking too much about me at all. Ah, the coldness of modern business. So, that has been a very strange thing for me.

I've also noticed, as my sister did before me, that instead of cards or e-mails, people are posting their birthday greetings on facebook this year. I don't know, I kinda liked the cards and e-mails, although I am happy that people remembered.

I am looking forward to a nice weekend and am hoping the mellow mood lasts......

Its a bit surreal here in the office discussing training my replacement with my supervisor. Ah well, onward and upward, I guess. On one hand, it would be nice to be appreciated for the little things I do that aren't considered much, but are very important and it would be nice to see that my supervisor realizes that I do take care of certain things. On the other hand, well, I don't think she's thinking too much about me at all. Ah, the coldness of modern business. So, that has been a very strange thing for me.

I've also noticed, as my sister did before me, that instead of cards or e-mails, people are posting their birthday greetings on facebook this year. I don't know, I kinda liked the cards and e-mails, although I am happy that people remembered.

I am looking forward to a nice weekend and am hoping the mellow mood lasts......

I'm sorry - but why on earth do you have to train your replacement? Isn't that kinda a slap in the face? I mean if you can train someone, you can also do the job better than they can - so why are they letting you go?

I would refuse unless they paid me extra that is (it might be a part of your payment package I suppose). But I wonder if what they really are doing is down-salarying. Forgive my paranoia but I'm guessing that your replacement is a lot more junior than you and will make a lower salary. What an incentive to test you out 'let you go' and bring in a cheaper replacment.... and then have you train them so that they do not loose your obviously valued skill sets.

Grrr. I wonder if a lawyer should be on your lists of post-job tasks...

Well, the person taking over the tasks is an admin and the tasks themselves are admin tasks. It is what it is. I will find something better that suits me better.

Right now, I am fuming over my former dance instructor wishing me a happy birthday on my facebook page and then posting about the people he is dancing standard with in a close competition when these people were not dancing standard 4 months ago. This is the same man who had practically nothing to say to me when I went to my former roommate's wedding where the reception was at my former studio. Sounds like a dig to me and really, all I want to do is get on with my life and begin dancing again with my new instructor.

Personally, I think he is yanking my chain. I'm wondering if it is more graceful to ignore him or should I just give into my immature urges and start posting about how great my new instructor is and (when I get back to it) how much I am learning?