"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life and someone is missing. It's a happy life -- "

(Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Let's talk about CM, mmmmkay?

I'm having lots of very wet, white, creamy cm.

Yummy.

So much so that I am changing liners and underwear with a frequency which vaguely disturbs me. This is not something that happened in my other pregnancies and while I welcome the 'snail trail' as a symptom of pregnancy that is common and blissfully normal, it is thoroughly annoying.

Not least because I still think it's a sign I'm spotting or getting my period. I have to curtail the urge to run to the bathroom when I get a new gush of wetness and check. Hell, I have to curtail the urge to reach down my pants and check. I am still carefully inspecting the toilet paper, which has remained color free thankfully. It's all I can do not to shove my fingers up my vag to check my cervix and see if there is any internal spotting.

But since I am trying to live as fear free as possible and not do things that will make the ever-present paranoia worse, I try hard to avoid internal checks - which could lead to paranoia about the state of my cervix and could create the situation I'm so concerned about (ie, spotting from a disrupted cervix).

"Now Rachel's weeping for the children she thought she could not bear, and she bears a sorrow that she cannot hide. And she wishes she was with them; she looks and they're not there. It seems that love comes for just a moment and it passes on by.And her sky is just a bandit swinging at the end of a hangman's noose, because he stole the moon and must be made to pay for it. And her friends say, 'My, that's tragic.' And she says, 'Especially for the moon.'And this is the world, as best as I can remember it."