Ever get the feeling that you're "Just there"?

This is a sensitive subject I occasionally find myself thinking about when I've got practically nothing else interfering with those thoughts. The feeling or hard pressed thought that more than often, you feel like you're just there. That you're not the life of someone's party, that you're not some social clique or that you don't feel as relevant with anyone or anything.

And I've noticed this a lot when I've drawn myself up side to side with other individuals. Stuff like and it turns into a study, like what makes them generate the people and the attention that they have? There is a lot of factors in consideration and when you look at yourself, you can't help but feel that you're just there. That you're just another human body there to take up resources, there to breathe air and you're there to do what everyone else does.

You're part of the "Everyone else" club, despite what you do. Nothing about you stands out and nothing about you is remotely interesting. That's the feeling I get every solitary minute of my life, aware of it or not. It's even sadder when people give you the feeling that is all you are.

People coming to you for favors - just favors. You become a name, just a name, on their friends list when there's so many opportunities in the day for them to talk to you. Nothing happens. Even with friends whom have been by your side for a whole decade or multiple decades.

Sure, you try to proceed through life as normal but the weight on your shoulders gets to be a bit bothersome. I sometimes wish there was something I could do about my social stigma. But I've always sworn to myself that I'd never sell myself out for the sake of getting that social awareness and attention. Because, I know for a fact that I can't entirely handle it.

But just because I've accepted that fate, doesn't really mean that the problem itself is erased. I've laid out almost every bit of myself for someone to know me by. All I get for the most part is small talk. God do I hate small talk now. Because it's small talk - that goes no where. You've got the basics "What's up?" "How are you?" and the greetings covered. Then you'll say something about the day and they'll respond in kind. From there, it just goes no where usually. Silence.

Like as if nothing mattered and everything was throw away for the sake of conversation. That too, helps the feeling that I'm "just there". Extra body. Extra number. Extra this. Extra that. You're just there. I hate it and I hate it a lot. But I've sworn not to stoop so low for that attention, so it just goes in circles.

It's an interesting thought. I feel like I am not special to anyone and if I disappeared, a very small ripple would be all I left behind. I am not irreplaceable, even to people I've known a long time, or to my children and family. I was replaced before I even knew what was happening.
I try to do good things and help my friends, but there is nothing innately valuable or special about me. If I stopped caring about people everybody would just drift away.

There is something innately wonderful, special and unique about each of us. It is just almost impossible to see that at times. Especially when depression strikes. Then we feel like crap. And don't have the energy or desire to do anything about it. But each and every one of us have touched other lives in positive fashions. You don't have to be the life of the party to do that. You don't have to be Einstein, or Mother Teresa. Or engage in deep philosophic discussions. All you have to do is open the door for someone carrying a baby, smile at someone who has had a bad day, send a get well card to a friend. I have had people make my entire day by letting me merge into traffic. And they will never know how much it meant to me. And I suspect both of you have positively touched lives in ways that you will never know.

I'm sorry for not saying anything more. I just don't have it in me today. You're right though, and a lot of us feel that way. PM me if you want to talk. I'll try not to engage in only small talk, tomorrow (if you want).

I can see myself in every word you just wrote, and I'm so sorry you have to feel this way.

This is me when I'm not around my friends, and before I met them for that matter...
But that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It's not easy to find your place, and I still haven't found the magic formula myself... I'm even awkward at the parties my friends hold... and there it's all of those people who 'normal' *gags at that word* people consider to be freaks and weirdos... I prefer the term geek though. But it's good to be able to be 'myself' for a bit.

But, I have always seen a strength in those who don't go with the popular heard, those who have integrity enough to be their own person. That's strength!
An advice could be to find people who share the same interests as you.