Flub-a-dub-dub: Apple's Watch botch

Apple Watch preorders began last Friday and now for analysis seemingly written by single-celled organisms that subsist on Apple news, converting into nothing but pure negativity, let us turn to the Forbes contributor network.

Apple Watch preorders began last Friday and now for analysis seemingly written by single-celled organisms that subsist on Apple news, converting into nothing but pure negativity, let us turn to the Forbes contributor network.

The precursor to Betteridge's Law is Forbes law, which states that if you're writing a negative piece on Apple based on cherry picking the bad parts of reviews of something you haven't used, make the title a question because it absolves you any responsibility.

"Hey, just askin' is all," says Forbes' Robert Hof.

The decidedly mixed reviews are unusual for Apple, even for an entirely new product. I know there were people who panned the iPod and the iPhone when they were first released, but they were clearly idiots.

At least we agree on something.

This time, I'm not so sure.

The iPhone was wildly different from the other smartphones available in 2007. The Apple Watch is not as wildly different from other smartwatches of 2015. But, then, the iPod wasn't an entirely new paradigm and look how well it did.

This is what it's come to, Robert. You made the Macalope write "paradigm." You monster.

In fact, the rather obvious and oft-mentioned negatives suggest that if another company had produced this smartwatch--impossible, since it doesn't work unless you have an iPhone 5 or 6--the reviews would have been even more negative.

The muted enthusiasm--in some cases outright advice not to buy the current version--raises a central question: Did the company launch the Apple Watch, which will be available for pre-order Friday ahead of deliveries starting April 24, too soon?

In the entire history of release 1.0 of Apple devices, someone has alway told people to wait for the next version. Also 2.0 releases, 3.0 releases and so on. In the world of technology, there's always a better device around the corner. You should always wait for that one. It'll be way better. Eschew buying any device until you lie on your deathbed, mere moments from expiration. Then buy one of everything. That's the only way to be sure you're getting the best device you can possibly get.

Update: Almost all the Apple Watch models were sold out within 30 minutes on Friday morning preordering, though as one story rightly puts it, "it is not clear whether this is due to relatively high demand or low production."

Surely it couldn't be both.

Hof then proceeds to tell us what data points show the Apple Watch was released too early. Please hold your applause until all the solely negative comments have been carefully weeded out of every review of the Apple Watch on the Internet.

So, yes, reviewers noted some issues with the Apple Watch. That's why it got a 7 while the flawless Motorola 360 got an 8.1, even though the Apple Watch is the nicest smartwatch available.

No, it doesn't make any sense. No, you should not start drinking immediately, even though it's very tempting. It's before noon, Ronald. We're not hillbillies. Martini hour starts at 5:00 on the dot and not a minute before. Check the club rules.

If only you had a watch that would...

BMO Capital Markets slashed its forecast for Apple Watch sales today from an expected 55.5 million units from the June 2015 quarter to the September 2016 quarter to 39 million units.

ANALYSTS CUT APPLE WATCH ESTIMATES FROM "WACK-A-DOODLE" TO "MERELY UNREASONABLE". Demand clearly seems to be less of a problem than supply. Remember the iPhone 4? Another "flawed" Apple product that pundits even said should be recalled, and it took Apple months to catch up with demand.

Yes, dumb people said dumb things about the iPhone early on. But teasing only the "cons" out of reviews of the Watch is not counterpoint to that. As Jean-Louis Gassée has shown, you can do exactly the opposite. Ultimately, the Watch isn't the iPod and it isn't the iPhone. It's its own thing. And there's no evidence yet that's a problem.