how to create your own cat acceleration ring

the idea was first conceived some time ago getting back home with a telecom engineer (greets twi!) after a party. my colleague and i realised that a cat would run faster the harder we shouted at him. thus, an innovative way of studying the molecular structure of our dear pets was born. what we’ll see here is how to apply this axiom to construct a cat acceleration particle ring, which will allow us to examine the cat’s particle behaviour at high speeds.

now we’ll see how to apply this basic idea to develop a cat-particle accelerator. please bear in mind that some cats shall be destroyed in the way; if you won’t agree to do so for the sake of human progress… well… good for you.

step 1: the speed
first of all we need to decide the speed we’ll want the tests to run. as a newbie in the cat-acceleration field, i highly recommend you starting with lower speeds (below speed of sound); this way you’ll be able to analyse most cat parts whilst keeping the whole experiment on a budget. do not expect government help; they won’t understand, but don’t let them destroy your dreams. as someone said: the mad clears the path that the scientist follows.

step 2: the ring
so, we’ll try a slow speed (up to 330 m/s) cat-acceleration ring. for that we’ll need an area large enough to fit a 5 meter radius ring. to construct the ring you can use any flexible pipe; one with 20cms of diameter will do (we need the animal to run freely inside the tunnel). you can find this at radio shack or cash converters – personally, i got the best tube for the purpose at the rake of madrid (which is the biggest one in europe). once you’ve got your tube you can easily construct the ring (if you need help, i shall write a how to join the ends of a flexible pipe howto).

let’s get to the holes: about one every meter on the top of the tube should be okay, to let the sound get through in the right way. finally, you need to add some sort of switching door which will keep the cat inside the ring until the required speed is reached, and the cat can get out of the pipe to the sampling screen. this is critical: put some really heavy stuff on the exit screen, otherwise you won’t get the desired two dimensional view of the cat (scientist naming: catogram, commonly known as: gato jodio), but a cartoon-like hole on the wall, or even a lawsuit for shooting cats in populated areas (i’ve heard of mortal accidents with scientist wannabe using cheap titanium plates).

step 3: the exciters
this is probably the trickiest step, and can be implemented in many ways, having the most elegant use of electronics. this requires the use of processors or computer ports to create the cat-exciting system, but that’s quite boring to explain. instead let’s go casual; you’ll be needing a few friends to cover each hole, and special training is required as you’ll have to yell according to the cat’s speed. mainly: when the cat has just got to your position in the ring, shout so it goes away to the next exciter. the faster the cat goes, the closer in time your screams shall be produced. bad timing can cause the cat to stop or even go back. please note you need to shout louder to achieve increasing speeds. for our tests we used voice amplifiers, and after a few days of practising we managed to reach a cat speed of 300 m/s (to get light speed cats you’ll have to use the electronic alternative, with damn high frequency devices, not just your trusty pc).

step 4: test and conclusions
now your cat-acceleration particle ring (capar for the patent) is ready to go; just make sure you plan how you’re going to do it, the number of people or exciters, and the cat’s weight, size and color (painting the animal in bright green or yellow shall help identifying it during the first acceleration phases). if you manage to follow my instructions, you shall get great smashed cat samples onto the output display screen and, who knows, even discover cat parts no one would have imagined before (there’s yet a whole world to discover). take special interest in the positions of the extremities to examine the impact path, determine cat’s behaviour at high speeds, and discover the cat’s weight and strength for every inch of it. as an interesting add-on, you can construct a second accelerator and have both connected by their output. if you synchronise them right you’ll get the chance to analyse high speed cats in social environments.

i’ll like to end by giving thanks to my collaborators, without whom this project would have been a lonely mad man dream: twi and mr. dcosta.

appendix 1:
bear in mind that if you want to reach higher speeds (above the speed of sound) the cat won’t receive the speaker stimulus correctly, so consider attaching headphones to the cat itself. this way you’ll also avoid doppler effects which can interfere with the cat’s movement.

appendix 2:
we will see a way to restore the cat’s original three dimensional status in an upcoming howto.