Sharing some of what I talk about, and learn, in my private therapy sessions. I am blessed with a wonderfully supportive psychiatrist who provides me with both medication advice and therapy. I am hoping my experiences in my sessions can help someone else.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Lost and Need to Find...

Lola, over at "Marine Snow" has written a brilliant post that struck me to the core of my being. I feel so very much like she expresses. She thought of her post at the same time I was writing my last post, so there is an eerie sense of synchronicity for me in what she writes.

My last post makes me cry when I read it. I feel like that little girl, who had so much hope and promise has disappeared. She is forever gone.

This morning I woke up and wanted to write to myself:

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut the F$&# up!

Get all those words and noises and condemnations and all that self-hatred out of my head!

Please stop!

Stop thinking! You will never "think" your way out of this mess you have created.

What the hell did you do to yourself? How did you become this person?

How did you so drastically lose your way?

How did you destroy that beautiful and promising little girl?

How did you become so worthless, when, as a child, you were so valuable?

What have I done to myself?

I worked so hard and did so well in school, how did I allow myself to sink so far?

Why did that sweet little girl become the waste of space she has become?

Why is she so filled with so much self loathing?

Was there an exact time I became "worth" less?

I feel so existentially lost and empty. I have absolutely no idea how to survive this life and manage to find something that I am consistently able to do, something I find fulfilling and something I feel contributes, rather than takes away from, society.

I have no sense of purpose, or meaning. I have no sense that I have any value, or any worth. I feel like all I do is take and take. I'm a burden on my family, on the medical system, on the government. I have lost my intrinsic value. I have no idea how to create, or make myself, a useful and valuable human being. I feel really, really lost.

4 comments:

Aqua I really wish that I could say something to make you feel a bit better. All i can say, is that you make a big difference to my life. I have never met you, but there have been a few times lately that your comments and support have picked me up and put me back on my feet again. I should imagine that i am not alone in this opinion either. we all make a difference in our own ways. We cannot change the world, but we can change the worlds we live in. Sometimes we do that without realising it, just be "being".

Aqua,You ARE a valuable member of society, even if you feel you are not. V usually likes to tell me that these are just "thoughts". They don't necessarily reflect the truth.

It's hard to feel good, or have a strong self esteem when you are battling a serious mental illness. But you have to remind yourself - you are worthy, you are valuable,... at least there are people out there that think you are. I do. I think you are a great online friend, and I'm sure in real life too. You've been so supportive of me during my down times. You've helped me with your posts and your emails.

You are a good person, a decent person. You are just doing the best you can at the moment. The world couldn't ask for anything more than your best. And I know you are doing the best you can.

About Me

I am currently a lost soul on its quest for freedom. I have a mental illness; Chronic Major Depressive Disorder. My version of MDD sits somewhere in the Bipolar Spectrum, meaning my mood cycles between severe depression and then up high, very high, but not high enough to be considered hypomania. I am hoping to help myself and others who read this blog both understand this illness better and to learn something about ourselves in the process.