Tuesday, July 28, 2009

That first chilly morning, I lay in bed swathed in a thick blanket and watched sleepily through my eyelashes as daylight seeped into my old room and bathed it with a soft radiance. Letting my eyes roam, I was struck with delight when I saw the small burnay I bought from Vigan still filled with coins as I left it, several moldy notebooks scribbled with my youthfully inexperienced views on life, the medals I used to take for granted but had always been a source of parental pride, the closet packed with antiquated clothes that reminded me of my hopelessly dowdy, cluelessly unfashionable self. Everything I fixed my eyes on was clothed in bittersweet poignancy. Through my haze of nostalgia it slowly dawned on me that that room has become a reliquary of the detritus of my childhood, of countless memories both sacred and profane. There it lingered the life I left behind.

I heard the familiar chirping of birds, the faint sound of vehicles passing by and nothing else. Everything was still. But lying dormant beneath that morning’s stillness, I sensed a wonderful acceleration of life. When I opened the windows, the mildewed indoor smell pushed out and blended with the scent of pine trees that filled the air outside. I felt the cold rush in like a welcome greeting - settling me, telling me that all is well: I am home. Even for just a few days.

Perhaps a bit forced Angeli. Tell it without unnecessary words. Only those short brief sentences retain the power to suck the reader in.

For instance; omit 'through my eyelashes' and it becomes more inviting to read 'watched sleepily as daylight seeped'. What do you think?

However, it's writing I couldn't have done because as the story moves on you very succinctly reveal your voice and you use short sentences. I believe you could have written of an entire day wherein the discovery laid by the seemingly simple events of your past life were the incidental foundations that necessarily determined your reading and interpretation of the present day.

oh, i truly appreciate that, Unstranger. i always wanted to know how my readers think of not only what i write about but also how i write it. criticism, whether positive or negative, is always welcome. it's one of the ways i can polish my craft, right? again, thank you.