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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Moving Past Chicago: A New Beginning

I know, it's been over a month since I last updated this blog - my mind seems to be in one large and dark cloud regarding the things I want to share; each day seems to arrive with a few words I'll jot down but just never seem to get posted. But it's time to get my thoughts all out there, and there are lots of them, so it looks like another rambling Jill-style long post. You lucky ducks! First, I have to say a HUGE thank-you for all the amazingly warm comments about the Chicago Marathon; I was deeply touched to hear from so many of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! When I started my blog almost 4 years ago, I never even knew what a blog was, let alone over time one could find other folks with similar interests. When I started this gig I just wanted to create a blog that felt like a journal where I could talk about running and its significance to me on every level, so that one day, when I am long gone, my kids could read more about my running and how it was an important part of my life (as if they don't already know ;)). This is still my primary purpose behind this thing, but along the way I've found some truly wonderful people for which I feel so incredibly blessed to have "met". I have neglected my blog (and yours) strictly because life has gotten in the way, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about this blog and all the goodness it has provided me. And I miss it a bit lot.So what's been going on since Chi-town....The short version, I'm taking a giant step backwards and starting with a fresh, clean, and entirely different slate.In the long, exciting detailed version, it's no big secret that this year has been one continuous struggle for me. One run after another, one race after another all providing sub-par performances. Let's just simply label everything as a myriad of pure crap!! Yes, there are races I am proud of accomplishing (Leadville, Mt. Evans Ascent for instance) but I didn't train for them and "ran" them in very poor physical condition. My head has subsequently struggled whether I was okay with all the mediocre performances I've produced all year, knowing I am capable of so much more if I would just put in the work to do so. But did I want to was the big question mark!

I could go into lengthy details about all the whys of this whole year, but I'll spare you the endless chatter (you're welcome :)). Really though, there isn't just ONE thing to finger point this mess at. Aside from the severe sprained inner ankle and torn foot ligaments mid-summer, which stripped Chicago training, there weren't any injuries (though this did sideline me for a few months...happy to say it's about 92% healed). I basically just allowed lot of personal issues to control me, instead of me them, and I quickly lost sight of the runner I once was...and my wild love affair for running vanished. I have pondered for months just what it is I want from running and if my body was trying to tell me it was time to accept whatever inferior training or racing I wanted to produce for that day. Lots of people go out there and "just run" happily (don't they ?), so maybe this was my destination? I've also questioned whether or not my body is just DONE with the rigorous training and it was telling me now was the time to hang that part of my life up! I'll be 50 next year. I've been running hard (for the most part) for 35 years. There are days I am just flipping... dead....tired! I've questioned everything about running in the past few months. Everything!

Because just one obnoxioussaying isn't enough in a blog,here's another!

But, in my what-the-hell-do-I-want-to-do soul searching, I've slowly felt the itch to run well again return and I've come to realize I actually do miss the often meticulous yet frequently laborious training. I miss making my body hurt - bad - from a really tough workout. I miss going to bed utterly exhausted from a hard day's training. I miss pushing my limits to see how much grit I have in me and I'm tired of settling for less than what I know I can do. I truly believe in my heart this is not how my running story is suppose to end and I am SO NOT done. So Jill, get to the point for heaven's sake - what's the plan to turn this madness around.....The Coach: Sometimes taking my own advice is hard – I know what to do, but lately I can’t seem to accept my own good judgment. I've said the same exact words to others, but listening to my own words has been a huge battle for me. So, I'm turning the reins over to someone else for awhile and letting them take charge of me. This initially wasn't easy for me; at first I felt like I was a complete failure ... but now I feel a major sense of relief - let someone else figure this madness out for awhile, I'm tired of trying and have no desire right now to do it! The decision, and who, was something I searched for many months, watching and learning, until I chose whose experience most ideally matched the type of racing goals I have (silently) set for myself next year. The coach and I started off a little shaky after the first couple weeks as we adjusted to each others' vastly different personalities (when I was swimming with Tara the other day and told her about my new coach plan, she looked at me - laughed - and said this is going to kill me :)) - but I think we worked out the character kinks and I truly believe the coaching thing is the right decision for me at this juncture in my life. But, I'm going to keep my mouth shut for awhile - and trust - so I hopefully don't get my ass fired before year's end! :)The Maffetone Training: I was first introduced to this this training a couple years ago when I was emailing the sock docfrequently about my foot PF and AT. He is a firm advocate for heart rate based training and thought a lot of my issues with my foot were stress-related due to, among other things, running too much in an anaerobic state. He suggested I do the Maffetone training (or "MAF training" as some may know it) when my foot healed. It's a slow and extremely tedious and patience-ridden low heart rate training program that makes one just want to poke your eyeballs out for someone who has no patience (ahem). When my foot last year allowed me to finally get back to training, I went back to my basic old ways because, well, I was impatient! But the impatient plan didn't work out so well .... so guess who has now been placed on the patient MAF training plan from the coach?! The basic idea with the very low HR training is to get the body to use fat for fuel so you become more efficient in an aerobic state. My HR gets to remain in a really low range for awhile. A very long while probably. I'm not even going to tell you what pace that currently is because it makes me cry just a little :)! But I have to focus at the end result and trust the man. I am feeling really good running right now (for once!) and am very excited to see how my progress increase over time. In the meantime, I am seriously going to remove all sharp objects from my house and pretend that walking a brisk pace is really, really fun. The Diet/Weight: This is something I have seriously neglected since the whole foot fiasco last year - and it shows. It's not that I constantly ate crap; but rather I got into a I really don't care mentality because of a self-deprecating pity party when I couldn't run, and worse - when I couldn't return back to running well. But something clicked when I got back from Chicago....I think it was the fact that my head felt so incredibly amazing there and I knew if Chicago felt good on no effort, then just imagine how another marathon will feel if I actually put in some effort. So, I'm making some changes by eating cleaner by trying to eliminate processed carbs and eating just less overall! I'm down about 10 lbs since Chicago. I still have a long way to go (yes, I got THAT far from racing weight) but I definitely feel stronger in my choices (well, you know, minus the entire pumpkin pie I consumed on Thanksgiving!) and no longer feel that food needs to be a used to comfort me. I'm injury-free. I'm running well. I don't need to sulk with my friend, sugar! This isn't going to be an overnight process for me - I still struggle with some personal demons that food just makes feel better some days, but as the coachy guy told me when I had a particularly bad day eating crap at work: Just be disciplined and don't eat it. Oversimplified and hard but as an athlete truly dedicated to improving this is the harsh reality. No different than walking out the door to do a run when ti's 10 degrees and blowing snow. It sucks but you just do it because it's the right thing to do. Obviously his world is a little more black and white than mine, but these words are now permanently embedded in my thick head.... because it's the right thing to do...because it's the right thing to do....because it's the right thing to do!!!Weight Training: I'm not a weight lifter nor do I ever expect to be :), but it's common sense that to run well, you need a lean body (ESPECIALLY A STRONG CORE!!). And to have a lean body, you need to have less body fat. Easy peasy basics! But when the body is hording an excessive mass of it (ahem), weight training is a really good thing to help rid that body fat! Not heavy weights, but enough to work the running muscles and to build running strength. I have been doing weights throughout the year, but nothing consistent, and nothing specific. So for about 3 months now, I've been going to an hour-long Body Pump class at the gym 2-3x/week - because something structured is just better than me wandering aimlessly around the gym doing whatever (Hum....sounds eerily similar for the coach need!). Just recently BP class was revamped and is now a 30 minute weight lifting class followed by 30 minutes of pure core (CXWORX) work - PERFECTO!! I'm actually starting to finally notice some muscle tone!

So that's it, basically. Some simple things that should have been implemented a very, very long time ago....but when you lose all confidence in yourself, it's tough to figure out what exactly you need to do and it takes a lot of soul searching and your head landing in the right place to find it. This wont be easy, and I'm certain it'll be pretty tedious for awhile, but whenever you take time off training for an extended period of time, you lose fitness and I have lost almost all of it. The longer the break, the worse it is and I can't say I have honestly trained hard in about 3 years. Three! But it's not the end of the world - it's just a new beginning. I do, after all, love a really tough challenge. Not just the result at the end, but the drudgery in the middle, the hard work, the sweat, the mess of transformation. I love the process of getting there, especially when "there" isn't a fixed point, but the constant renaming as each finish line morphs into another start line. I am not one of those genetically gifted freaks athletes who magically get fit overnight; it's going to be a long damn process for me with a lot of diligent, consistent, PATIENT, specific work.But I'm already noticing some changes, both physically and mentally... my confidence is slowly making it's way back......... and I am so excited for this journey!!!

Quick Ryan update:Finished up his cross county season last weekend by attending the Nike SW Regional Championships in Tempe, AZ. He had a 2 second PR there of 17:04 (that's a 5:30 pace - crazy!!). He was pretty disappointed he didn't go sub-17 - I think he peaked a bit too early this year - but he knocked off over a minute off his best 5k time from last season, so I think next year he'll get it. Here's a little glip from his coach at the season end awards banquet....it chokes me up every time I hear it...

Next up: my other kids updates :), races I've done post-Chicago, training, and a great run up the Manitou Incline with Kathleen from Happy Trails. Maybe some other stuff too, who knows.

70 comments:

You sound so strong and positive! I'm glad the new coach and MAF whatever (never heard of this guy) training are helping you. Just remember you never suck as badly as you think you do. Love that vid of Ryan!

finding running as a passion so long ago is a good and bad thing. The younger runners talk about finding balance in family life with their running, we have to have a balance in our running lives with who we maybe once were as runners and who we may now be as runners. That isn't always an easy thing to do. It sounds like you are getting yourself back on a healthy track. I agree we need to focus on total fitness so we can continue to reach for those goals even if the goals are ones we set for maybe a new decade.

Not much is better then when our kids make us sooo proud to be their mamas! congrats to you both.

I really want to follow your journey on this - it sounds like a very smart and well thought out plan. I have been dabbling in the HRT stuff as well and I know for me it is the way to go. It is so hard to step outside of my ego to go slow and train the way my body really wants me to. It sounds like this has been a real spiritual/emotional/mental choice for you and maybe it is our age or where we are in life, but I can so identify with everything you have said.

Wonderful comments the coach made about Ryan and he even mentioned you. You should be very proud!

Jill! Long time no hear...that's how my blog has been recently too. I loved your clean slate fresh start idea that you're starting. Sometimes ya just have to regroup. That MAF training sounds tough but very beneficial. Good luck!

Sometimes coaches need coaches. I think you made a really great move with this one. And I really respect that you are following the Maff methods. I believe in them and yet, here I am, never really done them b/c I didn't have the patience. I'll probably be envious of what you achieve with it (and also happy for you).

I'm so EXCITED for you!! You sound so happy, so positive, so READY. You are going to accomplish amazing things, I just know it.

So glad to see you are working with a coach, and that you are doing strength training. If I could shout it from the rooftops to every runner I know, I would - strength training makes a HUGE difference.

Keep keeping at it - doing what it takes to refresh and revitalize your passion - running! I am so happy things are starting to come around-I could see a peek of a turn-around for you a couple of weeks ago. I am planning on our day in a couple of weeks. You have awesome kids - you should feel proud!

Glad to hear this update! It sounds like you have things under control for now. I look forward to reading about your progress. I need to get on that weight-loss train. I've gotten lazy with my running and my eating this year (despite the random half marathon PR I ran a few weeks ago).Do you know Katie from www.runthisamazingday.com? She is in the process of moving to Colorado and has been doing the Maf training for about a year or so. I remember the early days of her complaining about paces but eventually she's gotten faster.That is an awesome video of Ryan! He (and you) should be so proud!

Really enjoyed this Jill. Love your insights and reflections and new hopes/goals for the future. You never stop and I love this about you. Sounds like you're coming back at this in a very smart way that will surely revamp your foundation...your body and mind and spirit will all thank you. You've inspired me...really should get in on one of those BP classes. And I've been running in the slow HR mode for awhile now...nothing fast. Although I do end up pushing it more than I even should because it is hard to see a slow number on that stupid Garmin. But I'm trusting it will pay off later. Beautiful words. And you should be so proud (as you are) of Ryan!

This is a great post, and I'm happy to hear you're back on your feet and looking at running with a new optimistic perspective! I think all runners reach that moment at some point, and its a beautiful thing when we re-realize our running purpose and get back out there again. I'm intrigued by this Maffetone training, and will keep posted to your blog to see how it goes. I'm wondering if this is something I could benefit from, too.

Yay Jill!! This is such an exciting and encouraging post. It sounds like you have a great plan and support system put into place and I can't wait to hear about your goals and watch you crush them. Hugs!

Lucho is going to be greats for you Jill! Yes, he is more black and white then most, but his no nonsense approach is refreshing. He brought me to my highest level of training, one that I am still chasing now that I am no longer with him. As far as the stress eating thing, I think you just need to feel the feelings and problem solve (when possible). Cravings and urges do go away in about 20 min if we just sit with them! So excited for you!

i literally was giddy when I saw you posted :) I have been thinking about you and wondering how things were going.

Running is a crazy thing that sucks us in and sometimes chews us up and other times lifts us up. I have always loved reading your honest take on things and will be interested to see how it goes handing the reigns over.

Aww, yeah! Love this Jill!I've got one toe in the door of the whole coach HR training thing ... I mean look what it's done for Terzah!We've both have had tough years, particularly summer/fall.Onward to a better and stronger 2013!BTW, once winter really sets in and outdoor biking isn't possible I'm playing with the idea of movie/beer/bike night in the basement a few times a month. Just bring your trainer and wheels and I'll provide the rest. And hello to that rock star son of yours!

This post is very interesting and timely for me! 2012 has been my best year of running by a long way, and I've run longer and faster than ever before. But recently I've felt like I need a break. To avoid further injury, I have to focus on some cross training and core work - easier said than done! I will try to follow your good example!

Glad to hear you have the fire back to go after it! I've done a little heart rate training and am in a way slower class of runner than you, but I can say I did almost all of my training for my last half marathon in zone 2 and had a nice PR. Speed work caused injuries for me so I stopped doing it for now.

This is wonderful! I had a feeling you were laying low and doing good things. I'd love to know who your coach is--the blog is anonymous and yet the comments imply he's well-known, and maybe with an ultra bent.

I can't say enough good things about heart rate training. I hated going slow at first, too, but I came to see that as evidence that I had been going too fast too often. Being a Catholic girl, I love discipline. :^)

"The mess of transformation"....a good way to put it. After all, the lotus emerges from the mud--you can't have it without the mud in fact!

YOU ARE ALIVE!!! YAY!!! I'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT YOU! Dunno if my emails didn't get through or what, but you've been on my mind.

Glad you are finding a new road to run, and hope it is perfect and scenic and you find a happy place there. You know that I'm the Queen of Broken Confidence, so feel free to call me or email any time if you want to chat about that saga without wallowing.

Or if you just want to hear funny fruit fly stories. Cause I'm covered up with both flies and stories right now.

so happy to hear you feel you are getting on the right track! I have a close up perspective of what diet changes and slowing down your pace based on HR. When Dave started and ran his HR training pace - it literally felt like we were running in place and not moving at all! But in 3 SHORT months his race pace improved by over 1(!) minute and he upped his fat burning by 30%. Hang tough Jill - I think you are gearing up for a great 2013 running year. You'll be whooping up on me in the new AG next year too. :)

I went on a Project Me in the run up year to turning 50. It was a great way to stay motivated and make small but significant changes along the way. Hope the outside coaching does wonders as will the recognition it takes more time and energy now to achieve similar results. Hope also the personal issues clear quickly.

Sounds like we're in such similar places. I also was having a crap year and ended up dropping out of everything, I needed a mental and physical break. Then I just raced for fun, doing whatever I felt like. It makes starting fresh feel so much more rewarding. I, too, need to drop a lot of weight. I have not had any luck though so congrats to you on the 10 pound loss. I hope I can do the same!

hmm. it must be something in the water regarding the mood towards running (and blogging). at least we're all having "breakthroughs" and "going back to the basics" type things. (at least that's what i've read here and on other blogs where people expressed similar feelings). or you could be like me and just not blog your feelings, lol.

i was waiting and waiting for the bottom of the post to have the jillstravaganza gift exchange information... hmmmm? where are my monopoly pieces!!!!!

the weight. ugh. yeah let's get on that again! ha. i am not going to sign up as your motivational buddy because i have failed you 2x (at least) already. i re-started myself this week in the eating department (and then ate a whole box of cinnamon life today).

Even though our experiences are quite different, I've been going through the same thing. I've lost that lovin' feeling with running... I kind of think it starts with one thing to mess with the psyche, then it snowballs from there. I hope to fall in love again. It sounds like you're on your way back.

Jill, I can relate to so much of this! I have been trying to incorporate strength training lately too. I was told I had a soft core. LOL. Guess because I had been coating it in butter and sugar. Anyone, it is nice to see some results once you start making changes. Good to hear from you again :)

You are certainly not waiting for January to re-evaluate things and make some changes in different areas of your life. It sounds like you have a great plan in place and will be very successful with your running in 2013!

Wow, that is some deep running and training thoughts there. Good stuff Jill! I'm sure you will turn this whole thing around. I'm planning a big 2013 myself with the 50 number creeping into my life too. Lets run strong next year!

Hi Jill, this is actually the first blog I've placed a comment on in over a month. So that means that I am a slacker and that you are a special blog buddy.

It sounds like we've had a similar year. Fighting injuries, age, and lack luster finish times. We also both got new coaches. Good luck with your new endeavor. BTW, where's the secret santa this year? haha.

Hi Jill! I got your ornament and love it - yours is on the way :) I'm also really excited to have found your blog! I read your last two entries and I think you and I are in VERY similar situations right now….slightly different reasons leading up to it, but I could relate to just about EVERYTHING in your last two posts. I'm looking forward to following your training and progress-to-come!

About Me

I'm not a particularly gifted runner, but I love to run. With so much time spent in my running shoes, I’m full of short stories about my runs and running. My family and friends are grateful I started this blog, they are no longer subject to my narcissistic running ramblings. I’m grateful for a peer-review process in which I can post anything, anytime.