OPPOSITION LEADER BILL SHORTEN revealed he had to shimmy through raw sewerage to attend a press conference this morning in Canberra.

Speaking from a courtyard within Parliament House, the 48-year-old former trade unionist said the reason why he hasn’t announced alternative policy or even said anything publically this year is because he needed time to reflect on his desire to lead.

Always doing everything the hard way, the valiant Victorian found solace in wriggling through the human waste and effluvium of nearby Kingston and Barton for the past three months. A time he feels was critical in shaping his political ambitions this year.

“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies,” shouted Shorten as he slammed his fists down on the lectern.

“I must admit I didn’t think much of Malcolm first time I laid eyes on him; looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over. That was my first impression of the man. We can beat him.”

Shorten told the two dozen strong crowd of journalists and bleary-eyed gardeners that he was ready to steer the country back into the red, improving the quality of life of every Australian. Even if it meant asking Wayne Swan to come in from the cold.

Many commentators and analysts have long said that the trenches within the Labor Party go deeper than the wrinkles on Barrie Cassidy’s forehead.

“I want to make sure we have the best Labor minds here on deck for this election. I want all the big names,” said Shorten.

“Do any of you guys know who the shadow treasurer is without googling it? Didn’t think so. I don’t even know who my goddamn treasurer is.”