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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Google Autofill Game: "Can I...?"

Alrighty,
today, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to play a little game. It’s
called the Google Autofill Game. John Green, YA author and video
blogger extraordinaire, plays this game on his Swindon Town
Swoodilypooper videos.The
Google Autofill Game begins with a question entered into Google, and
then each letter of the alphabet. Today’s question is “Can I...”Can I afford a house?Erm...that
depends. Look at your money. Do you have more than enough money to
both pay the price of the house without going broke? Yes? Then yes.
No? Then no. Can you afford the loan payments without losing
everything? Yes? Then yes. No? Then no.Can I be pregnant?This
is a moment when you have to go back to basic biology. Do you have a
penis? Then no. Do you have a vagina? Have you always had a vagina?
Then yes.

Can I change my Apple ID?I
have no idea. I don’t know anything about Mac products. My wife and I
have one iPod Touch between us that we rarely use. We have iTunes, but
I don’t buy music from them very often. I either buy from AmazonMP3 or
physical CDs. I know, how cute and antiquated, right?Can I donate blood?There
are a lot of restrictions on donating blood. There’s a height
restriction (too short? No blood donating for you!), a weight
restriction (too light? No blood donating for you!). There may be a
certain amount overweight you can’t be, I’m not sure. I know you can’t have blood pressure that’s too high. I recommend that you look up the specifics, though, just to make sure.Can I eat my period?I...don’t
even know what this means. I mean...are you Pac-Man? Do you wander
around a maze eating those tiny dots? Because you know, there’s only so
many periods in the world. Each time you eat one, that’s another
sentence that goes unpunctuated. Can you imagine what today’s youths’
sentences would read like if you weren’t so reckless about your
punctuation eating? Honestly, you should eat commas instead. People
way overuse them anymore.

Can I freeze tomatoes?Actually,
I’m almost 100% certain you can. I mean, tomatoes are largely made up
of water, and water can freeze. So, yeah, tomatoes can freeze. Should
you? I dunno. It probably doesn’t really do much to maintain its
freshness or texture, but it does at least keep it...not...rotten.Can I get a refill?Don’t be a douche.Can I have your number?Ha! You wish. You don’t know awesome until you’ve talked to me on the phone for hours and hours and hours about movies.Can I increase my alimony?Maybe? Possibly?Can I jailbreak?I don’t recommend attempting jailbreaks. I’ve seen the Count of Monte Cristo and other movies of similar subject matter, and they rarely turn out well for the main character. Except for The Shawshank Redemption.
But, I mean, seriously, that dude took years to set up his plan.
Besides, leading a jailbreak involves being morally gray at best, and
absolutely breaking the law.

Can I kick it?Personally,
I’m pretty okay with kicking it old school, myself, homeskillet. I
like to keep it chill. I’m certainly okay with you keeping it real, as
well, but I would prefer if you don’t kick it in my pad, ya know? It’s a
personal space thing, dude, for reals. Just, you know, go find your
own space.Can I live lyrics?I
think living lyrics is a questionable practice at best. Some songs
have an inspirational message that you should, by all means, feel free
to apply to your life. But, I mean, how are you going to live by “I am
he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.” I mean, I
guess I can see a sort of “We are one” idea, but honestly, good luck
living by such ideas.Now,
if you mean you want to live a lyrical life, you should look to John
Green, Joe Hill, and John Scalzi if you want a study in what it’s like
to be a classy son of a bitch.Can I marry Lydia in Skyrim?I have not played Skyrim, and I have no idea whom Lydia is. That said, I wish you and Lydia all the best.

Can I Nair my nuts?Can
you? I’m sure. But should you? I don’t recommend it. I'm fairly certain that Nair shouldn't be eaten--in fact, it's probably poisonous. Besides, think about it, it would probably burn the shit out of your mouth...tongue...cheeks...throat...on the way down.Can I opt out of Social Security?I
don’t think so. I’m pretty sure it’s an all-in system. I’m pretty
sure you can choose not to claim the money you’ve paid in, but I’m not
sure you get a choice on the actual paying.Can I play it?A
song? If you know the instrument and the music. A video game? More
than likely. A board game? Most definitely. Game with my heart? I
wish you wouldn’t.Can I qualify for a mortgage?I
honestly have no idea. I’m not even entirely sure what goes into that
kind of thing. I’m still in a “rent rather than own” phase.

Can I run it?Windows?
Probably. Linux? More than likely--it takes up virtually no space.
A foot race? I guess that depends on how in shape you are. I
certainly can’t. I went for a walk a few days ago, and I’m still sore
from it.Can I stream it?Who
freakin’ knows anymore?! Netflix has different rules than Hulu that
has different rules from the regular broadcasting companies--most of
which suck. Personally, the internet exclusive content--like
Vlogbrothers, Ze Frank, and basically anything on the Geek & Sundry
channel--can and is definitely worth being streamed.Can I track my iPhone?Yes.
I recommend turning out the lights so you can see the glow of its
little screen. Then you can see it easily when it cuts across the room
and tries to hide under the couch. Catching it is a whole different
matter.Can I use PayPal on Amazon?No. PayPal is an eBay company. Amazon is...not eBay. That’s like asking if...Walmart accepts Target giftcards.

Can I vote?I’ll
stick to US law. Are you 18? Are you registered? Then yes. As a
matter of fact, I highly recommend it. Apathy about our political
process is one of the worst things you can have, because so much of it
affects your life and how you live it.Can I yell at a cop?It’s
not advisable. I guess it would depend on the situation, but I’m
pretty sure they can nab you for being belligerent or something.Can I Zumba while pregnant?Erm...maybe?
I’m pretty sure that exercise is recommended while pregnant, but at a
certain point, you’re not really supposed to strain yourself a whole
lot. So, I would say, check with your doctor.

4 comments:

Knowing what the "can I eat my period" was actually referring to, I'm amazed and grossed out that anyone would ever google that, let alone that it would be googled enough for google to autofill with it.

This where you post your head dumpings. I don't mind disagreement if you're polite, well-thought-out, and civil. However, I decide what is and isn't acceptable. I reserve the right for my underground dwelling Comment Goblins to capture and devour any post they see fit.

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About Me

J. M. Dow's owner pressed the B button, preventing him from evolving into his final form. He's had a fascination with dark, weird things since he was a little kid sneaking into the living room to watch late-night reruns of Tales from the Crypt. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife and weenie dog.