Tuesday, December 2, 2014

I have had three men in my life who have deeply influenced me,
each one at a different phase of my development as a human being. The first was
my father, who shepherded me into manhood. The second was my first lover, who I
lived with for sixteen years, and who taught me the value of education, and
infused me with the tools to become successful. The third is my husband and
soul mate, who more than anyone, has taught me—through example—to be a
compassionate human being. In all three cases, it was not their accomplishments
that had an impact on me, but rather, the strength of their character that
shaped that part of my life.

Today, I’ll complete this series by focusing on my husband. I
met Herman Chin at the San Francisco opera about two years after my divorce
with John Ahrens. At the time we met, we were very attracted to each other but
Herman was happily married to Steve, and had been for twenty-one years. I met
Steve, and found him to be a decent and exceedingly likeable man. Herman and I frequently
met over coffee or dinners (I couldn’t call it dating, and we couldn’t really
push it any further) for about six months, and in all that time I knew he was
the man for me, yet I never thought he would leave Steve, and I refused to
asked him to do so. Little did I know, early on, he told Steve he was falling
in love with me, and the two often talked about them splitting up so Herman
could live with me.

Things came to a head when Herman asked me to join him on a
month-long vacation to Egypt, Italy, and France. He said it would be only us
two, and we would be lovers, at least while on this trip. When he made it clear
that Steve had given this trip his blessing, I jumped at it. We shared what
turned out to be the most marvelous adventure of my life. At some point between
climbing five-thousand-year-old pyramids and wandering the backstreets of Rome,
we realized we were not simply lovers, we were soul mates—or to be more
accurate, we were one soul split into two bodies. Within a few weeks of
returning to the States, Herman moved into my house, and we have not spent a
night apart in twenty years.

On that first trip abroad, Herman became my guide, both in
foreign cultures and in love. He and Steve had traveled through Europe several
times, and he knew the ropes of maneuvering an unfamiliar culture. It was
during that first trip that our roles were defined—he the guide, me the
follower; me the lover, he the loved. And during that time we began a project I
call, Humanizing Alan. You see, by that time in my life I’d become a man driven
by ambitions, first to climb the corporate ladder and later to become a
successful writer. I had become a goal-oriented animal, an aggressive
competitor, with little thought to the people around me. I had bought into the
American dream of greed and achievement hook, line, and sinker.

Herman, on the other hand, owned a small dental lab where he and
two employees made false teeth. He purposely kept his business small so he
could supervise all aspects of his trade and keep personal relationships with
his dentist clients. He was an artist, whose artwork ended up in peoples’
mouths, and he was content to live modestly, without striving to become more of
anything. He and I were very different, as I had spent half my life striving to
become successful, and I felt I had a long way to go.

It was Herman’s example of non-striving that convinced me to
finally walk away from Corporate America and follow my dream of writing. He
convinced me that I already had achieved everything I needed, was already
everything I needed to be. So in 1999, after a year of serious discussions, we
both took a leap of faith and retired from the world of business. He and I
turned forty-five that year. I began to write. He began to travel, and of
course, I followed.

It was during our travels that the Humanizing Alan project
really kicked into high gear. There is nothing, in my humble opinion, that
makes one reevaluate one’s own culture and beliefs more than immersing one’s
self in foreign cultures. Contrast can be a very powerful teaching tool, and
what is even more powerful is living in an environment where you’re the
minority, the odd man out, the one children point and laugh at. Simply being in
a country where you don’t speak the language, where you depend on the kindness
of those not as fortunate as you, is a humbling and humanizing experience. At
first you realize, really know, you are no better than them. Then you realize
you are them. Soon, you begin to love them. And finally, you begin to love
yourself.

Herman and I travel four to six months each year. In our twenty
years together, we have visited over fifty different countries, and have twice
circled the globe. We have dined in the best restaurants in Europe, scuba dived
the Great Barrier Reef, rode elephants in Nepal and India, gone on safari in
Africa, chanted with monks in Tibet, hiked the Great Wall, and trekked to
ancient ruins like Angkor Wat and the Pyramids of Giza. This spring we plan to
tackle South America for the first time.

Without Herman as my guide, I fear I would have never had the
courage to leave the States. He has shown me the world, and how to love all the
people in it. In the process, he’s made me a more compassionate person. I’m not
quite ready for sainthood, but each day my ego dies a little bit more, and my
empathy for the people around me grows. This, more than anything, is what
Herman has taught me, not by lectures, but by example. I’ve literally seen him
walk through the slums of Calcutta and embrace the people there, as he does in
every country we visit.

These days I continue to publish books; I’m now working on
number ten. But the idea of being a success is meaningless. I write because I
am compelled to write, it brings great pleasure. I publish to see my words in
print and to share my stories with anyone who chooses to read them. My only
goal at this point in life is to make my husband as happy as possible.

Books By Alan Chin

About Alan Chin

I write novels, short stories and screenplays.
I am the author of eight published novels and three unpublished screenplays. You can read about all my pubished works at http://alanchinauthor.com
I live and write half of each year at my home in Southern California, and spend the other half of each year traveling the globe with my husband, Herman Chin.