Can you make an omlette without cracking eggs? Oh yes ...

Revelling in the news that I have a share in an unknown Nigerian friend's millions, I pottered off to Sainsburys for a celebratory breakfast. Ah the high life was just starting.

I ordered "omlette with hash browns"

5 minutes later a sheepish grown-up (the only one the cafe owns) informs me "we have run out of omlettes"

Speechless, gob-smacked, nay, bewildered... My years in IT spawned one chain of thought - obviously the supply chain system hasnt worked properly, but the over-riding thought was "fuck me, there must be 10,000 eggs in this sodding shop"

A glare from Mrs BPR resulted in me ordering something else rather than saying the obvious

Even the 13-year olds in the canteen could break a couple of eggs, shuffle them with a fork and chuck them in a pan ... or is this health and safety gone mad?

Next time I get a share of more millions, I'll ask if they have eggs before I order...

It's evidently a little-known fact that franchisees are contracted to use materials supplied exclusively by the franchiser. In the case of McDonald's, for example, this means that all eggs are delivered in two containers, one containing albumen and the other containing yellow substance.

I know this to be true because a McDonald's near where I live ran out of eggs and a taxi driver was sent to another town many miles away to get replacements from another McDonald's outlet. On his way, the taxi driver passed any number of shops selling eggs, but they weren't allowed.

The taxi driver had always enjoyed taking his children to McDonald's but was so upset, he was swearing to God that he'd never go to a McDonald's again.

Perhaps Sainsbury's canteens have a similar arrangement. Sainsbury's are, after all, leaders in feeding the nation with regurgitated shit.

Sorry, were you on the phone to somewhere else? Please accept this ten-pound voucher with our crawling apology.

In a brief, cash-desperate spell of my late teens, I surrendered my position as a trainee Vet nurse for £4 per day for the far more generous wages of sin, i.e. McDonalds.

The local store was the first in Scotland, and at the time, one of the best payers for 17yr olds ( £200+per fortnight).

At no time did I have to deal with separate yolk and albumen eggs, we were required to take a normal hen's egg, crack it onto a grill, flip it once (briefly) and then scoop it onto the required sausage/bacon/whatever combo.

I'd rather have stayed shovelling horse, dog and cat shit, but the wages were better.

Now then... I think I can shed some light on the McShite question. Jeni describes a fried egg but the thing they now use in an egg Mc Muffin looks far from oolitic.

I think that there was some change in the law a few years back (after Jeni's McJob)about the freedom of tied busineses to buy from anywhere. The tied pub owners got around this by charging rent in line with the amount of in-house buying. You could buy your beer and spirits on the open market but your rent would increas accordingly.
In a franchised business this law change would mean that generic products such as eggs could, in theory, be bought on the open market. This threatens a brand's conformity as well as its profit stream. The answer is to specify very particular ingredients which only the franchisor can supply, at a price they want to charge. This would explain the yolk seperation. You can't have the McFranchisee going out and buying any old eggs. They have to taste equally shite and plastic anywhere in the world.

In the case of M&S it is much more likely that the café uses frozen, ready-made, omelettes from a catering supplier such as Brake Bros. The fact that no-one in the canteen had the ability to make an omelette is a reflection of the wholesale de-skilling of jobs to save on wages and training. A practice championed by... er ... McDonalds.

Not sure if its what BJ just said but having worked in catering for many, many years I can tell you large chains (including those that have company and franchise stores) have what they call approved suppliers.

This is for 2 reasons. 1) the quality - or lack of - is consistent throughout the hundreds of stores and 2) there is only one lot of health and safety/ food safety due diligence that needs doing. By law, they need to be sure there suppliers are following all food safety checks and regulations so only having one supplier for one product makes it easier. Also you get cheaper products as you guarantee business for the supplier. In the case of the Taxi driver, if they just picked up eggs from a local shop, they don't know anything about that product so if it made you ill, they could not investigate the supply chain right back to the farm.

That said, I think the case with Sainsbury's is more to do with the fact they probably use pre-made omelettes so never make them with eggs. They just run out of the pre made stuff

Talking of "de-skilling", I once asked in a Sainsbury's branch why the shelf space for Badoit mineral water had been empty for several months. A shelf-stacker (a redundant bank manager or similar) asked me to wait while he eagerly went off to fetch The Stock Control Manager. Then, with a whole contingent of shelf-stackers huddled all around as an audience, I listened to a spotty-faced child explain that there are 12 bottles of Badoit on the shelf.

"No there aren't," I said.

"Yes there are," he said.

"Show me," I said.

"I don't need to see them," said The Spotty-Faced Stock Control Child, "the computer tells me exactly what I have in stock and exactly where it is."

The shelf-stackers watched my face, all nodding slowly, knowingly, and in orchestrated unison.

By the way, I think BJ is probably right about McMuffins. The taxi driver mentioned McSomethings "instead of fucking eggs" and McMuffins rings a bell.

Mind you, I'm old-fashioned. I can crack an egg single-handed, and I can measure tea with a spoon. Sadly, I fear that these skills will die with me.

Arthur: I had a similar but opposite experience many years ago with a tit who beleived the computer. New system and new-to-the-job controller:

Me: Bloody hell Ian! I've never seen so much Castlemaine XXXX
Ian: There are only 2 pallets, I need to order some more.
Me: There must be about 3 container loads out there already!
Ian: No there isn't
Me: When did you last walk around the f**cking warehouse?
Ian: I don't nead to. The computer tells me what we have.
Me: It is wrong!
Ian: No it isn't
Me: Pop down into the warehouse with me and take a look
Ian: Shan't!

Neadless to say he was sacked.

WRT McMuffins: I was discussing this with someone yesterday who suggested that maybe they had pre-formed egg white rounds with a hollow in them. Prior to cooking a yolk could be plopped in to give perfect conformity.

How to make an omelette:
Take bag C from chiller. Place in microwave and press button 6.
Remove from microwave when bell pings. Open bag, using blunt-ended scissors provided, and slide contents onto plate.
Note: When opening bag beware of steam escaping. Do not run with scissors.

Imagine the risk assesment if they had to whisk fresh eggs and pour them into a hot pan!