Week 7 of the Year of Fear

This week I created my own Shutterstock account to sell some of the photos I’ve taken for fun over the years. Despite being told that they were good enough to “monetize”, I’ve never had the nerve to put my “art” out there on the open market. I was afraid that no one would buy it or, even worse, criticize my shots for being too amateurish or just downright bad.

So, I created my account and will begin uploading a portfolio of sorts over the next coming days as I sieve through my electronic files and various photo folders that I’ve amassed over the years and see if anyone bites.

Chris’s Year of Fear: Emmmmm doughnuts

Eating a doughnut scares me. I know Homer Simpson is shaking his head in shame right now, but it’s true. Maybe I listened to too many podcasts from certain Paleo/orthorexic/fear-mongering/fat adaption evangelicals or read to many blog posts from Jimmy Moore, but I was scared (and still am a bit) to eat a real doughnut. I have taken bites of doughnuts before (which I would spit out sometimes after eating because of the anxiety and fear) but I never sat down and ate a full one and definitely not one without guilt or anxiety after.

So this week, I went to Tim Horton’s (might as well support the locals) and ordered a doughnut…..I enjoyed every single last bite of it.

It was not so easy though…..

First off, I cheated a bit and scheduled my doughnut trip after my long run for the week. I am still not at the stage where I can have one after no activity without a lot of guilt or the feeling I need to “purge” by doing an intense workout after.

Even after 18 miles of running though (note I did not run extra to compensate for the doughnut–that was my scheduled distance), I still had anxiety. I was scared that it would ruin my recovery, that I would still gain weight, that I would hurt my fitness in some ways.

Then when I was standing in line, I saw that they had a new S’mores flavor but without the calories posted next to it. I wanted to get it but knew it was more calories. I stood there paralyzed, not knowing which to order. I decided to play it safe and go with the chocolate dipped. Traditional, conservative but still delicious.

I was tempted to pull some old tricks and only take a bite or to chew and spit but refrained. I sat down and enjoyed every last bite. Whenever waves of anxiety or panic arouse, I just let them come and go but returned to just enjoying the doughnut.

After the last bite, I actually wanted to order another one but was satisfied with what I had and to top it all off, had no anxiety of what I just ate and enjoyed.

I am not going to out and pound the doughnuts every day though. I will keep it as a special treat and something to be savored and not feared. Next step though is to eat it outside of long or intense workouts and not worry about the calories at all, which would be a huge step in the right direction. More on that to come though. Maybein another week….