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If the big-block-equipped Chevrolet Suburban K2500 LT can’t pull your trailer or tote your load, it’s God’s way of saying, “Leave some of this stuff home!” Optionally powering the biggest sport/utility vehicle of them all is a 7.4-liter OHV V-8. (Each of its cylinders is roughly the size of a quart paint can!) This gargantuan powerplant allows the K2500 to boast more towing capability than any other SUV: a prodigious 10,000 pounds! Leave the trailer home, and the Sub has enough internal payload capacity to carry the weight of a Mercedes SLK.

The official name for the engine is “Vortec 7400,” but it’s also known by its option code, “L29,” or simply “The Big Block.” Available only in 3/4-ton 2500 models, this time-tested mill pumps out 290 horsepower at 4000 rpm and reaches a Himalayan torque peak of 410 pound-feet at 3200 rpm. These numbers translate into a 0-60-mph run in an reasonable–at least for a 5600-pound behemoth–9.4 seconds. Handling numbers, led by a back-of-the-pack 0.66g cornering power and a longish 152-foot 60-0-mph stopping distance, are less stellar.

Upgrading to the big block from the standard 5.7-liter/255-horse V-8 boosts maximum trailer capacity by a ton and a half. Even though the L29 can’t match the optional 6.5-liter/190-horse Turbo-Diesel’s 430-pound-feet torque peak, diesel Suburbans fall more than a ton behind the big-block’s towing capacity.

Our tester, which listed for a whopping $42,666 (and did not include every option in the book), came with the Suburban’s “Autotrac” four-wheel-drive system: Load a ton and a half in the nearly 3-ton K2500 and you’ll need 4WD to avoid getting stuck on anything softer than summer asphalt. The system’s “Auto 4WD” mode sends 100 percent power to the rear axle until wheelspin is detected. At that point, torque is automatically diverted to the front axle. If you’ve ever debated the difference between all-wheel drive and automatic 4WD for more than an hour, you might be a redneck–or a Motor Trend editor.

There’s no questioning the Suburban’s drafthorse credentials, but just as Clydesdales, the 1899 equivalent of big-block V-8s (but with more solid particulate emissions), have become merely celebrity beer salesmen, Suburbans are frequently kept as pets by affluent people who need–but refuse to have–a minivan. These Cleopatras, Queens (and Kings!) of Denial, ask nothing of their Suburbans that a minivan wouldn’t do better and cheaper. But minivans don’t project a macho, outdoorsy, I’m-not-a-soccer-mom, we-bought-Yahoo.com-at-IPO image, and lack the ground clearance necessary to traverse Indian Guide camp roads.

Still, if your needs truly demand the ability to lug a multi-ton trailer along with an NFL lineman or two off the paved road, no SUV can match the Suburban K2500.