Doni’s Life and Loss

Reflections on raising and burying my 19-year-old son with bi-polar disorder.

I always thought my pack of six children was a lot, until I saw the older five clinging to each other in one group hug at the grave side of my youngest. Then it seemed so small.

I had six kids in seven-and-a-half years. Doni was the prince of the family. All the older kids doted on him and he charmed strangers as well. His golden hair and clear blue eyes turned heads as I pushed him in the stroller and as he tumbled through the playground. Every morning after breakfast he would climb on the table and mix and pour, combining drinks and leftovers, experimenting with textures and tastes. He seemed like a tiny mad scientist and I thought he might follow in my paternal grandparents’ footsteps and become a chemical engineer.

Doni as a child

Clearly, science was a love of his. He asked me relentless questions as soon as he could articulate them: What makes mattresses bouncy? If you poke a hole in an electrical wire will the electricity come pouring out? How do you build buildings taller than cranes?

With six little ones, and always a few extra kids in the house, I was tired and didn’t always focus on the answers. Sometimes I’d say distractedly, “I don’t know” and move on.

One day we were in the garden. He asked, “Are there a lot of ants in this garden?” “Yes,” I answered as I dug a hole for flowers. “Are ants good diggers?” he continued. “Yes they are,” I replied, focusing on getting the hole just right. “How much do you think an ant could dig in a day?” “I don’t know” I replied, distracted. Perturbed, he responded, “It’s not an ‘I don’t know’ question; it’s a ‘what do you think?’ question!”

At five he said, “I don’t want to stay here.” He was referring to the world.

Doni loved to think, to wonder, to experiment. He tested everything. He tested recipes. He tested his theories. He tested locks. He tested rules. He tested his parents. He tested his teachers.

School was a challenge for him. He was clearly bright, but he didn’t think like his teachers, or anyone else, expected. Few wanted to take the time to really listen and discuss with a constantly questioning child. The main thing was to get him functioning in a class room and doing what was expected.

At five he told me, “I didn’t ask to come here and I don’t want to stay.” He wasn’t referring to school. He was referring to the world. By seven he was diagnosed with depression and ADHD and was taking medication for both.

The Dark Zone

Doni at a Harry Potter event

Even medicated, school was a dark zone in his life. He enjoyed some things, but most of it was a struggle and burden. Not just the school work, but the bus ride, the friendships, the schedule, the interactions with teachers, it was all a challenge. I began to drive him myself, to skip the bus ride and spend some time with him in the morning, but he regularly went to school crying.

He talked a lot about wanting to die. He regularly asked me why he should do his homework if he is just going to be dead tomorrow. “Just in case you’re not, let’s get it done,” I answered. What’s a mother to say?

I kept him home often for “mental health days.” I took him to the doctor, we adjusted his medicine. Still, we talked so often about his desire to die that I couldn’t be shocked any more. It was just part of raising Doni.

At the end of fifth grade he had a breakdown and he couldn’t finish the year. He asked to live in the forest for a month to recover. So I sent him to Oregon to stay with my mother, who at the time, lived in a house in the middle of a forest. She pitched a tent for him in the middle of the trees so he could have the full experience.

The next year we changed schools, but sadly, Doni had a lot of contact with a first-year teacher who was impatient and demeaning, and who had no desire to reach out toward a complicated student. Doni’s interest in computers was beginning to strengthen, so when he was assigned a Powerpoint presentation for his computer class about “How You Feel about School,” he spent a lot of time perfecting it. When the teacher asked who was ready to share, he volunteered first. His presentation was entitled, “The Vortex of Swirling Evil.” One of his slides included his wish that both he and his teachers would be dead. Before he could go further he was in the office, and I was told to come pick him up.

Doni with his dog

He couldn’t understand what he did wrong. They asked for a presentation about how he felt about school. He created just that. Meanwhile the school administration was worried; they wanted a letter from a psychiatrist attesting to his safety before they’d allow him back in school.

I worried for my son. How could I let him stay in an environment that he experienced as a vortex of swirling evil? Was there somewhere he could be happy and still get a Jewish education? How long could he live a life of wanting to die?

I felt so alone in pulling him through each day. My oldest was in Israel for seminary, my second was away for high school and the other kids each had their own school situation that needed my attention. My husband was a support, but the bulk of the hours were mine. And who could I even talk to about it? I had few friends close enough, but the words of Stevie Wonder’s song “Just Go Have a Talk with God” regularly played in the back of my mind. God was my constant companion. I didn’t have to explain the details to Him; I could just vent my frustration and ask for help. I started to say the morning blessing “who gives strength to the weary” with deeper concentration. I needed more strength.

Enigma

I was beginning to wonder if there was something more going on than depression. Doni missed social cues and often misunderstood what people were expecting of him. He was so literal and extremely truth and fairness oriented. He got very angry if his sense of justice was trampled. He often explained things in ways that made a lot of sense to him and very little sense to others. He didn’t like to get his picture taken because he “didn’t know how to smile.”

Doni with his sister

In raising the other kids, I had learned about and dealt with a lot of other issues: ADHD, sensory integration, asthma, anxiety, dyslexia, executive function disorder, anger and defiance. But with all that, I couldn’t figure Doni out. Something was being overlooked. I started to do more reading and began to wonder about Asperger’s Syndrome.

His psychiatrist dismissed it, telling me that Doni had the worst case of childhood depression he had ever seen and that “carrying that heavy a cognitive load” could produce symptoms that were Asperger’s-like. I had never heard of a “cognitive load” before and the way he explained it away made some sense.

We all agreed that “alive” had to come before “Jewish.”

My mother pushed me hard to explore sending him to a special private school for kids with learning differences. Clearly he was misunderstood, whatever was going on. Our local Jewish schools were not equipped to deal with him, and we all needed more support. Doni was in so much pain and was having such a hard time with his teachers and others in our community that his connection to Judaism was fast collapsing. I hated putting him in a non-Jewish environment, but there just didn’t seem to be a better option. We all agreed that “alive” had to come before “Jewish.”

Doni blossomed at Denver Academy. A few weeks after he began seventh grade, his teacher sent a note home, “Doni is a rock star! I love his quirky personality.” Amazing, a teacher loved him. And she said so. And what a great word, “quirky.” Just descriptive, not pejorative. It was so refreshing. He was quirky, and cute, and the smiles started to come back.

Doni’s school work picked up and his interest in computers started to surge forward. He disassembled and reassembled just about anything electronic he could get his hands on, and usually he had very few parts left over. At first he broke a lot of things, lost a lot of files, killed a lot of screens, caused a lot of heartache, cost a lot of money, but eventually he got really good at it.

He made friends, he got along, he left his tzitzis home and kept his yarmulke for the first year. Inside his 12-year-old guts, it became clear to him: the Jewish world was harsh and dark, the Gentile world was kind and friendly. When his bar mitzvah approached he wanted to skip it; he didn’t feel comfortable going to shul and he certainly didn’t want to celebrate there. In the end, he agreed to go to shul long enough to get an aliyah, and to have a family lunch at home. In classic Doni style, he connected electro-magnetism to the cherubim for his “dvar Torah.”

He began to spend a lot of time online, learning and experimenting. I tried to limit his screen hours but they were his happiest. He needed to spend time in cyberspace. I put a password on the computer. He cracked it. I put a timer on the computer. He hacked it. I put a net-nanny on the computer. He bypassed it. I put my foot down about limiting the amount of time and he started getting up in the middle of the night to spend a few extra hours in front of the screen while I was asleep.

By high school he was a computer expert and emerging science geek. He became a music lover and a cook. He watched lectures online and Youtube science experiments and technology blogs. He began to work with the IT staff fixing computers for the school and he became the go-to guy for all things chip-based. But woe be unto anyone who touched his computer. He was very possessive, very particular, very unforgiving, and sometimes explosive. We all learned to tiptoe around his computer space and not to even place a note on his keyboard.

Asperger’s & Lithium

We changed doctors when Doni was in 9th grade. As we told the stories, the depression, the camera shyness, the angry outbursts surrounding his computer, our family skill at walking on eggshells around it, his computer genius, almost obsession, his late hours and little need for sleep, his ability to sleep for almost a full 24 hours on the weekends… some questions arose in the new doctor’s mind. Had we ever considered bi-polar disorder? Had we heard of Asperger’s Syndrome?

Filling the tank at Yellowstone

I began to learn more about both. Doni began to take lithium. I began to see cycling and to understand his sleep cycle as part of it. I saw his anger escalate and abate, I worried for him. I worried for us. Bi-polar disorder is progressive. The goal is to even out and not go up and down. Cycling can make it worse and worse.

Towards the end of 10th grade, Doni had a severe episode and needed to be hospitalized. As soon as he was stable, he evaluated the electric lock system of his locked unit. “You know,” he mentioned to a nurse, “if you just take a piece of tinfoil and place it over there, you can short the system and the door will be unlocked.” She looked at him aghast, “Please don’t tell anyone!” she pleaded.

In a few days his equilibrium and his sense of humor returned. When they asked him if he was “hearing any voices” he answered, “No, I’m not… And neither am I.” We told him he better cut that out if he wants to go home.

I felt vindicated. But I also felt trapped. This was bigger than I imagined.

In the hospital he was officially diagnosed with both bi-polar disorder and Asperger’s Syndrome. I felt relieved and imprisoned. Relieved because I was right: there was something big going on with him. It wasn’t my parenting, it wasn’t because I wasn’t raised observant, it wasn’t because I was his mother and always making up excuses for him. It’s because he really was harder than all the rest and he really did have issues I didn’t know how to handle. I felt vindicated.

But I also felt trapped. This was bigger than I imagined. Bi-polar disorder is a mental illness. Asperger’s is permanent. He will always need me. He’ll be my “forever child”. I thought about my daughter-in-law Gitty who had recently given birth to a child with Down’s syndrome, also a “forever child.” We could be forever parents together.

Things got much better from there. Finally, we knew what we were dealing with and we could medicate and accommodate accordingly. One of the aspects of Asperger’s is often an intense, even obsessive, interest in something. For Doni, of course, it was computers. He got more and more skilled and began to teach his teachers. His coding skills became so strong that he analyzed Firefox and offered them a better version of their code that they eventually incorporated.

We talked about all sorts of things. His anger melted, his hugs increased and he had a sparkle in his eye. We sang together and danced together. He wanted to learn how to Lindy Hop with me.

Still he told me that he didn’t plan on having children, he didn’t want to pass on his genes. And even though there were lots of things that he enjoyed and he had so many successes, he still reminded me that he didn’t actually want to be here at all. I was so used to hearing him tell me this that I had a chamber in the back of my mind for storing these sentences. I couldn’t let them be part of my everyday life with him.

Falling into the Gap

After a few more bumps and triumphs, Doni finally graduated high school. Both he and I were thrilled to be done with mandatory schooling and he thoroughly enjoyed the quiet of the summer. While other graduates were eager to start college in the fall or were planning a “gap year” adventure between high school and college, Doni was clear that he needed more than just the summer “off.” He did not want to start anything in the fall; he just wanted to stay home.

When I expressed concern about his lack of schedule and goals, he assured me that he just needed to “chill,” to recover from 14 years of school, and that he would use the time to formally set up his new computer building/repair/consultation business. Those were actually golden months. He was home most of the time and I work from home, so we spent hours together bonding and sharing in ways we never got to before.

By January, I convinced him to start college. He reluctantly signed up for three classes at Metro State University 15 minutes away. He could have attended a nearby college of technology and began focusing on computers immediately, but he didn’t want to write the essay or set up an interview. I was surprised that he wasn’t willing to put that little bit of effort, but I figured he’d have a whole life of computers, so a little philosophy, politics and music appreciation would just round him out a bit.

What I didn’t see was his quickly ebbing motivation. He talked in broad terms of plans for the future, but he wasn’t actually making any. He enjoyed his classes and the discussion, but he dropped two of them when the reading got overwhelming.

Meanwhile he sunk into deeper depressions. He shared his feelings of readiness to die, of desire to die, but the lack of motivation showed up there, too. He didn’t actually want to kill himself; he just wanted to be dead. He even wondered aloud how he could make that happen, “Maybe I could just wander into a gang area wearing the wrong colors?”

He asked if I thought he should suffer forever, just to spare the family the pain of losing him.

We talked often about his feelings. He explained to me that he was living in pain and that it was not worth it to go on. He asked me for a reason to stay alive. Because he no longer believed in Torah, I couldn’t dip into my well of Judaic knowledge to share with him.

We read through websites with titles like “Reason to Live.” I told him how wonderful the world is and how much pleasure the future holds. He told me how hard the world is and how much pain there is yet to encounter. I told him how smart and creative he is and how much he could contribute to the world. He told me how much pressure that was and how the world would just have to survive without him.

I told him how much we all loved him and how devastated we would be if he was no longer around. He asked me rhetorically if I really thought he should suffer forever just to spare the family the pain of losing him. I did. He didn’t.

A few weeks later he swallowed poison. I found him as his lungs struggled for air, but he was already unconscious and his face was serene. The paramedics came and took him to the hospital where a whole team of doctors and specialists worked on him, but despite their best efforts he was slipping away.

The rabbi arrived and ruled that no further resuscitation attempts need be made. He said aloud "Shema" and Viduy, the confessional prayer, and then we all hugged and kissed Doni as the last flicker of life fluttered away. I squeezed his hand in loving disbelief, “You finally got your wish…” My little boy was gone.

Suicide

In Jewish law, suicide is a terrible thing. One is not allowed to end one’s own life. One who does so is dealt with harshly in this world and the next. There is no shiva for a suicide, nor are there other burial rites.

Even though he swallowed the poison on purpose, it fell into the category of death from depression.

The rabbi was very clear with us that Doni’s death was not considered a suicide. Even though he swallowed the poison on purpose, it fell into the category of death from depression. Mental illness, he explained, can be fatal, just as illnesses of other parts of the body can be. When one has mental illness, one is not fully free to choose, and therefore one is not held fully liable for one’s “choices.”

It is vital to know that just because we use the word “suicide” in English to describe the act of ending one’s life, it doesn’t mean that Jewish law sees each of those acts as in that legal category. There is quite a bit of discussion about it in the Talmud and later codes, especially those written around the time of the Crusades, but nowhere do those discussions relate death-at-one’s-own-hand-because-of- mental-illness to the crime of suicide.

Doni had all the rites and ceremonies that any other Jewish death would require, and he is buried in the regular Jewish cemetery. We all sat shiva: five siblings and two parents, as the community poured into our house to console us. My husband is saying kaddish for him three times a day, and because Doni had no children to say kaddish for him, my husband will continue to say it for a full year, even though the formal mourning period is over for parents after 30 days.

Of course, our mourning will never end. We are his parents and he is our baby, our youngest. Our Forever Child is now a child forever.

I’m not sure what to say when people ask me how old my children are. Should I say my youngest is 19? How long should I say that? Or should I say my “new youngest” is 20 and keep going up with her age?

Six weeks later, I still find myself distracted and wistful. How could he have done it? How could it be so final? How could it be so real? I wonder if he’d change his mind if he knew then what he knows now. But that is trying to understand what he did with my rational mind. I have to keep reminding myself: Doni’s death wasn’t rational. He lived one of the most privileged lives on the planet ever in the history of time. He had a loving home, caring and supportive parents, fun and eclectic siblings, comfortable but not excessive resources, a free and safe country and all the health and creature comforts the 21st century affords to its first world inhabitants. Who would want to leave that? Millions of people with far less, who live far worse, cling to life with everything they have.

Mental Illness means something is wrong with the brain’s ability to think and process, affecting emotional, cognitive and behavioral realms to the degree that one has trouble coping with the ordinary demands of life. Mental illness has many forms and each one of them is on a spectrum. Like asthma, diabetes or Crohn’s disease, each person’s experience of their “defective” organ is different.

I don’t know why Doni’s soul was in a body with mental illness, but I do know that God had a reason.

Scientists may see mental illness as a fluke, bad luck of the draw. Our sages teach us that there are no flukes. Each body, each set of life circumstances, is carefully fashioned by God with love. Every soul is assessed and placed in a custom designed physical container and given a precise set of tools for its best growth and accomplishment during its sojourn on earth. Every detail is considered. What may seem dark is really a path to light; what feels so hard is really a path to growth; what feels like a dead end is really a door to a whole new world.

I don’t know why Doni’s soul needed to be placed in a body with mental illness, but I do know that God had a reason. And that God lovingly chose us, his parents, siblings and grandparents, to shepherd Doni for the 19 years and 3 months that he spent on Earth. Not only did Doni need his mental illness, we did too. God’s calculations are perfect, and He calculated that each of us needed those years of ups and downs, full of frustration and joy in our own experiences of Doni and his and our efforts to cope with the everyday.

Though we miss Doni so much, we are choosing not to see his life as “cut short.” Though we wish he was still with us, we know that God sends each person into the world for a unique journey and that some journeys end earlier than others. The part of my journey that included Doni was delightful and difficult, lovely and lonely, sensitizing and so sad. I wouldn’t ask for the experience, but now that I had it, I wouldn’t trade what I learned and gained from and with Doni for a life of comfort and peace. Though my sorrow at his loss is a constant stream running through my inner world, I am thankful for the growth and so happy for the time we shared.

Note: I would like to publicly thank my mother, Oralee Stiles, for her careful thought and keen insight into Doni and for all her emotional support of him and of us. And I would like to thank my parents-in-law, Tova and Norman Bulow, for paying for Doni’s special schooling. It was expensive and we couldn’t have done it without their generous and long-term help.

Related Articles:

About the Author

Aliza Bulow has been a Jewish Educator for over twenty five years teaching practical Jewish philosophy, basic Judaism and textual learning skills to adults. She was educated both in Israel and America, served in the IDF, and is now the national coordinator of Ner LeElef’s North American Woman’s Program and the Senior Educator for The Jewish Experience in Denver, Colorado. Aliza teaches both locally and nationally, mentors women who work in Jewish Adult Education and Outreach, and provides consulting for Jewish Outreach organizations across the country. Her husband and eclectic brood of young-adult children, children-in-law, grandchildren and “adopted” children offer her insights, support and opportunities to continue learning, growing and sharing.

Find more articles and recordings of dozens of Aliza's classes at ABiteOfTorah.com

Visitor Comments: 163

(136)
Brin Nadler,
July 25, 2014 4:15 AM

Moving, honest and inspiring

Thank you, Aliza, for your story.

(135)
Lawrence Batlan,
April 17, 2014 3:59 AM

Thank you for letting us share your grief.

Because of our human condition, we all share your pain. We all know it, feel it, have experienced it. You were never alone! Your telling of it has been of great help to me, and probably to all who read it.

(134)
Riva Blechman,
October 21, 2013 4:25 AM

My heart broke reading this. I have a friend with a son who is very troubled and I don't know whether to send this to her on not. Any insight to share on this question will be appreciated.

Aliza Bulow,
November 12, 2013 9:56 PM

sharing

In response to all the questions and comments I got on this article, I wrote a second article sharing some of the ways I lived through the difficult years. You can find it here: http://www.aish.com/sp/pg/Four-Spiritual-Coping-Strategies.htmlThis may be more helpful for people who are actively struggling right now. I am willing to connect people who would like to seek each other out for support in dealing with these types of challenges.I am also willing to speak with family members who are dealing with the loss of a loved one who completed suicide.I can be reached through my website: ABiteOfTorah.comMay we all merit to grow and share our love and compassion for each other.Aliza

Sondra Eisenpress,
December 30, 2013 8:17 AM

We, too, have a son who is bipolar, He was born "brain injured". Now he has a bladder that does not work so he has to wear a catheter and stage 4 kidney disease. He is a "simple" person. He is a wonderful person. He cares deeply for other people. The feelings are not usually returned. People do not understand him and shy away from what they don't understand.Yes, I would send this article to your friend. It helps us not to feel so alone in our daily struggle.

(133)
Anonymous,
September 3, 2013 12:38 AM

From Lauren anton's shiva

We met at my sisters shiva in Milwaukee. I lost your email address. Please respond as I would like to speak to you again. Thank you.Suzanne Burger

(132)
Anonymous,
August 16, 2013 1:31 AM

I'm sorry for your loss.

There is one thing with which I disagree. People with Bipolar Disorder and/ or Asperger's are not "forever children." I have Bipolar Disorder, childhood onset. I work with people who have Asperger's. We can grow into adults who care for ourselves. I was lucky. I nearly killed myself at age 17 with my medication. I am now 54, married for 26 years with two healthy sons. I'm so sorry this didn't happen for Doni. I have no special secret. I wish I did. Don't blame yourself. This is a terrible illness that caused intractable pain. Know that Doni suffers no more.
Another Jewish mother.

(131)
Stuart Schoenberger,
July 25, 2013 6:00 PM

On your loss

On your loss, please accept my personal and family's condolences. In my work I deal with adults who suffer from bi-polar disorder. In my personal situation, my mother suffered all her life from the same. In her last years the medications, the ever changing cocktails, became less and less effective. Ultimately, one of her many falls placed in the hospital again and she picked up a super-virus. For nearly three months I visited her. In this coma-state, she could not communicate with us, and ours with her was equally questionable. I cannot say that I would have preferred your situation. I was certainly challenged, grew and matured. My heart simply broke when I read your letter. I identified and found commonalities. My father and I were always challenged by mother's struggle with her depression and manic episodes. I never thought what it might have done when she was a child.

(130)
Kathleen Ryan,
July 22, 2013 10:58 PM

Your sharing helps my understanding of Doni

I cannot get you and Ep out of my mind. You must be saddened still, even though you both knew he hurt so much by living on the earth. So, now he goes with God.

(129)
another mom,
July 22, 2013 5:20 PM

it could be me

My bi-polar son is 17, struggles with school and authority, asks me why he should live when it's so painful, and says he would kill himself if he had more guts. Then other days, he's a delight and happy do pursue his passions. I cried very hard reading about your Doni's death, a little for you, mostly for me, because that is my biggest fear and although I looked here to help my perspective, this article reminded me just how much a possibility this situation is for me as well. I only hope I can find a perspective like yours, if G-d forbid this happens to my son.

(128)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 2:28 PM

for all parents of different children.

I cried as I also have such a child now age 24. Her suicide attempts were met with my refusal to medicate and my undivided love and attention. She
flies high s
with brilliance then hurts badly when the slightest small thing goes wrong. She hates pinjusstice and loves our dog. I see that in her twenties she is becoming more resiLiant. A academic success changed her perception of herself erasing labels of mental illness. G-d made everyone different. Her capacities are just part of the plethora of what humans have. Stop looking at disabities and find the abilities. And don't let anyone give you child psychiatric medication.

C.,
August 16, 2013 1:37 AM

Questionable

There is no pride in withholding medical treatment from your child, just as there would be none if you failed to give your diabetic child insulin. Academic success does not erase mental illness anymore than it does diabetes. Ditto for attention. I am Bipolar. I can't even begin to describe the suffering I endured without treatment/medication. I am very sad for your daughter.

(127)
Shoshana Wolf-Mehlman,
July 21, 2013 1:55 PM

You changed my life again today

Aliza,

Once again you have made a profound impact on my life. Your words convey pain, profundity, beauty, love, compassion, deep understanding and ultimately acceptance. How can I find words to convey how much yours mean to me? An inadequate thank you is not enough. I hope to have the chance to learn from you, share with you, spend time with you. Baruch dayan haemes.

With love,Shoshana Wolf-Mehlman

(126)
Anonymous,
July 19, 2013 10:41 AM

I am speechless. This is so moving and your reactions are beautiful. May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and yerushalayim.

(125)
barbara stoll,
July 17, 2013 4:39 AM

Empathy in Aspergers

Even tho my Aspie son is misguidied today, I remember as a little boy, eventhough he was frightened by the audio in a crowded room , at 5 years old he left our table, and curled up at a table beside us with a 70 yr old woman. I asked him later "why" He said "my tummy hurt, moomy , noone shiuld ever have to eat alone" They seem unaware but yet they are acutely aware of humaans and their needs. Our reluctance to see the "obvious" is what makes them frustrated with us.

(124)
Fanny,
July 16, 2013 4:00 AM

Strength

After reading this article, I just feel like I have some mission on this earth. For how long or to do what I don't know but I do hope that I can be as strong as you have been and continue to be. Only simchas in the future.

(123)
Anonymous,
July 16, 2013 12:38 AM

Terrible Loss

Thank you for sharing the story of your sons life. I am so very sorry for your loss.

(122)
rachel db,
July 15, 2013 9:04 PM

thank you.

My heart is simultaneously calmed and aching with your story. I deeply appreciate all that you have written and shared.

(121)
Jayne,
July 15, 2013 4:10 PM

Thank you

Reading Doni's story was like reading parts of my own son's story. My son Leo is now 16 and in describing Doni's early years of loving to experiment and ask questions and test things out you described my son. We also experienced the search for a diagnosis, which finally amounted to ADHD and Biploar. He is also very particular about his computer and trying to limit his time on it causes much anger and resentment. He has over the years expressed a desire to die, but thankfully it has not been a constant theme. I do live with the fear that someday Bipolar disorder may take his life, and I do not know if I would have the strength that you have shown. I am not Jewish, and luckily Leo and our family has had much support over his school years in public school with special education teachers and aides in a regular classroom. I understand the desire to educate in a Jewish environment; maybe your story can encourage more Jewish students to enter the field of Special Education, and go to work in Jewish schools? Then you could have the best of both worlds. I wish peace for you and your family, and I thank you for being able to so beautifully share your story.

(120)
Anonymous,
July 15, 2013 1:51 PM

Thank you!!

Thank you for sharing this beautiful story!! I work at Denver Academy and had the pleasure of having Doni fix my problems with my computer!! What a wonderful soul! He may have been miserable in his life but he was a guide for so many people. it is nice to realize that we are all here on earth to learn and grow and know that God has a plan for everyone!!

(119)
Yonit,
July 11, 2013 7:29 PM

Thank you

You are a very strong person and I hope I can learn from you how to teach others from my experiences without coming across like G-d has forsaken or forgotten us. You should go nation wide and make more people aware of these conditions and how you can spot them so that people can stop living in agony.

(118)
Hinda,
July 11, 2013 2:42 PM

Your story moved me and made me cry. Doni had to be born to you and move through your life for your growth (and somewhere along the line for his) and your sharing it with us helps us grow too. I'm sorry for your pain and may he be a mailitz yasher for you and your whole family. Mental illness is an illness like any other and there is no ability to judge the pain he experienced. He is at peace now in a much better place. I hope you find serenity too knowing he completed whatever tafkid he was meant to in this world.

(117)
Yocheved,
July 11, 2013 3:44 AM

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are an inspiration and your words of chizzuk are treasures to all. May this be an aliyah for Doni's neshama.

(116)
Rivky,
July 11, 2013 1:35 AM

Thankyou for sharing your story

First of all, I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I know it was not easy to write this article. But I appreciate that you did. To be able to see Doni's life not just as sadness or an "accident", but as an act of G-d, it is truly amazing. To take this story and use it as an inspiration for others... Bli Ayin Hara, may we all be blessed with your strength. Again, thank you.

(115)
DenbieG,
July 10, 2013 10:38 PM

You are very special

How is it that G-d gave you this special gift to be able to always provide us with such incredible insights and learning/growth opportunities in general as well as in the Jewish context. We are so grateful to have you in our lives. G-d's strength to you and your family as you continue your worldly journey without Doni.

(114)
Jamie,
July 10, 2013 8:35 PM

beautiful and painful

Thank you so much for Doni's story. I shared the essay on the Feldman's facebook page and hope your experience can help others...

(113)
Sharon,
July 10, 2013 6:20 PM

Thank you

I am so sorry for your loss but I admire the way in which you told his story and I am grateful for the insight you gave and the questions you answered.

(112)
deah,
July 10, 2013 4:53 PM

Bipolar

Our family lost my late brother to Bipolar. Yes, it runs through the family quite a bit. I know and understand the horror of dealing with it, from a personal level. I'm Bipolar too, as is my late brothers daughter. So little help for those that suffer mental illness. Still so much superstition and so little education about what mental illness is. I'm so very very sorry for your loss. We are now dealing with our daughter is saying pretty much what your son said. She is seeing a psychiatrist and therapist and we will continue to work and hope for the best.

(111)
Matt,
July 10, 2013 2:45 PM

Aliza thank you

Thank you for sharing. As a psychiatrist I do experience people who struggle being understood and loved and as a dad I can feel the pain and wonder how my kids will turn out.

(110)
victoria keslacy,
July 10, 2013 11:07 AM

zihrono lebraha

Kol hakavod for taking time to share this story. While I was reading I was thinking maybe my daughter could help him because she is a special ed teacher for little ones. But I kept on reading only to find out the sad ending. May GOD give you a lots of courage and patience. You were challenged and you did all what you can. Hazak vebaruch.

Anonymous,
July 11, 2013 2:58 AM

The sad ending was clear from the title of this piece and the very first paragraph.

(109)
anonymous,
July 10, 2013 9:08 AM

Thank you...

Thank you for sharing Doni's life with us. I'm in awe at your faith and acceptance. I have 2 siblings with bipolar and I'm amazed at your loving faith in the face of so much pain.May G-d bless you and comfort you.

(108)
Anonymous,
July 10, 2013 6:20 AM

I'm so sorry about your loss. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. I'd rather not go into detail now, however, I can relate to it well. I read it more than a few times and I'm inspired by your attitude. I'm amazed at how many other people seem to relate to this type of thing. May you continue to help others who are in difficult situations like this.

(107)
Anonymous,
July 10, 2013 2:40 AM

This is truly an unbelievable story. Doni was obviously someone who understood life, despite the fact that he did not want to continue living it. People like Doni have a deeper understanding of the world than other people actually do. This story is incredible. Thank you for sharing it. Hashem should continue to comfort you and your family. Doni was obviously someone very very special

(106)
Rella,
July 10, 2013 2:36 AM

Thank you for sharing your story

Aliza, thank you so much for sharing your story so honestly and openly. I lost my brother to suicide a few years ago, and a lot of your words resonate with me, especially thinking about your son's death as cause by mental illness, even if suicide was the immediate physical cause. Raising awareness about mental illness and suicide, especially in the Jewish community, is so important. I wish you and your family comfort in this difficult time.

Just a quick note about what to say to people who ask how many children you have--this is obviously very personal and it took me a long time to figure it out (I struggled with feeling like the "new" youngest person in my family), but when people ask how many siblings I have, I say "Two--an older sister, and a younger brother who passed away."

(105)
R. Heithaus,
July 9, 2013 10:23 PM

thank you for sharing

Your faith has answered a lot of my questions about life, suicide and death.

(104)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 8:48 PM

In awe

I was very touched by your story. I am awed by the understanding and compassionate way you responded to Doni during his life and even more by how you continue to do so after his death. Your story, thoughts and feelings will resonate with many families who have raised children with special needs. I am blown away by your perceptiveness, your ability to articulate your feelings and your strength and wisdom in the face of what for many years was a very difficult challenge and is now an unbelievable loss for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story- you have taught us many lessons. Yamakom yenachem etchem.

(103)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 8:34 PM

I lost my brother

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. There are no words to express how one feels about losing a loved one, in particular a child. Hamakom Yinachem Etchem BiToch Sha'ar Avelei Tzion ViYerushalayim--May you only share Smachot in your life.I lost my dearly beloved older brother 4 years ago to suicide. He was a 62 year old man with 5 grown and married children and a whole mess of grandchildren. He accomplished a huge amount in his life, not just in his work but in his community service was so that everyone in the town he lived in knew who he was, didn't matter if the person was a shomer shabbat or not--they all knew him and had huge amount of respect for him. Four years later and we still don't understand what happened. No one had a clue that there was something wrong. And so our family has no closure because we don't understand it. The Rabbanim there, including his Rosh Yeshiva, said that he should be buried in a regular cemetery and kaddish be said normally, we all sat shiva normally --for one simple reason. We don't understand mental illness, it's a disease like cancer. Doni was special--he fought is demons and maybe understood them better than anyone. With my brother, we just don't know--we just don't know.

(102)
chana@jewishmom.com,
July 9, 2013 8:05 PM

Baruch Dayan HaEmet

Dear Aliza, I am so sorry to hear about this terrible loss, and to hear about all the suffering you and your family have coped with throughout the years. May Hashem send you and your family comfort and abundant blessings.

(101)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 7:15 PM

our close friends are going through much the same as you did with their 15 year old daughter. They pulled her out of the day school and put her in a private school that is mostly computer based, she has been in and out of the local stress center having attempted suicide, they have been trying to also balance the needs of their other children..Sadly, some people in our local community look at them as bad parents for pulling her out of the day school, etc. I hope that people read this and understand who hard their struggle is to do right by their daughter.

(100)
anonymous,
July 9, 2013 5:27 PM

Doni's story resonates with me. I relate to him only too well. I spent my teenage years being socially off and feeling embarassed and devastated by it. I have various other emotional difficulties that make daily living difficult. I don't have a natural love for life that I see in so many others including my siblings. The thought of death was often welcoming to me. Despite this I managed to raise a family that actually loves me. I am embarrassed for them to ever r ecognize my issues. But Hashem bentched me and my children with a wife that more than compensates for my deficiencies. I take strength in your simple faith and loving acceptence of Hashems will. I know I get reward simply for existing for even that is difficult for some. As you put it so succinctly-Hashem gives everyone what is good for them-regardless of how it appears to us with our small mortal mind.May Hashem continue to give you strength and abundent joy from your family.

(99)
Paula,
July 9, 2013 5:06 PM

A deep thank you, to an amazing woman

Thank you so much for sharing your family story with us. You are truly and Aishet Chayeel, and blessed to have had Doni. When it's your time, Aliza, you will be with Doni again - both of you in Hashem's eternal, loving care. For know, be strong, when you hurt the most - all around you, you have love. I have my own mental issues (mostly emotional), and having read your story, I think I can finally start to help myself, and live with myself. Baruch Hashem, you will always find your way back to Hashem.

(98)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 5:02 PM

Thank you

Thank you for writing this. I lost a brother to suicide after he suffered for almost 10 years from depression. I will save this article.

(97)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 4:30 PM

thank you

It is amazing to me that you have experienced this tragedy so recently and can already be so articulate about your feelings. My son, killed himself almost 7 months ago and I am reeling. My son was not bipolar, but he expressed the same sentiments as Doni did about the world. Your article helped me tremendously, and for that I thank you endlessly. What you said is so true - I would not trade any of my time with my son even with this horrible pain and sadness I am feeling now, for a life of comfort and peace. He was a 'gitte neshama' with an amazingly good heart, who was kind and wonderful. That is how he is remembered by all who speak of him. I know that his goodness will live on in the lives of those who he helped in his short life, and in me for being so close with him. Thank you for helping me gain an appreciation for that. It made a tremendous difference.

(96)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 10:53 AM

thank you

Dear Aliza, thank you for sharing your personal thoughts with the Aish community. I am so sorry for your incredible loss and the difficullties you and your family experienced throughout Doni's all to short life.I lost my father to suicide over 40 years ago when I was 12 years old, and had never fully forgiven him for ending his life at the age of 40. I could not even bring myself to talk to my own children about my father's suicide because of the embarrassment I felt. Your article has helped me to see the other side of the story, and provide me with a clearer understanding of someone not wanting to be a part of this world. May you go from strength to strength and continue to provide education and support to those families who have loved ones with mental illlness, May you also be zoche to shep nachas from each of your chlldren.

Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 8:56 PM

truly inspiring.you are a religious woman

"Not only did Doni need his mental illness, we did too. God’s calculations are perfect, and He calculated that each of us needed those years of ups and downs, full of frustration and joy in our own experiences of Doni and his and our efforts to cope with the everyday"
I so admire your seeming ability to accept gam ze le tova in what I imagine were and are most challenging circumstances. You seem amazing. May you and your family be blessed with a future filed with growth and simchah

(95)
Esther,
July 9, 2013 5:04 AM

I am deeply touched

Thank you for this beautifully written article.I am in awe of your outstanding parenting skills and especially the sincere love and true acceptance you had for your son. As a mother of a 12 year old boy with a significant level of Aspergers I truly relate to all the conflicting emotions you so eloquently described.I especially understood those feelings of trying everything to help your child succeed and yet still feeling totally at a loss because the nature of the condition is that it never ends. My son is the oldest child and his rigidity and emotional outbursts frequently set a negative tone for his younger siblings. It is truly a day to day struggle just to stay afloat and keep the family unit intact.I wish there was more support available in the jewish community but as your article implied there is not much out there for families of children with mental and emotional issues.The term you coined "forever child" also resonated with me as I know my son will always need help navigating a world that doesn't really understand out of the box individuals no matter how sensitive and special they may be. Please know that I think the world of you and your family. The love that was evident in this article was a true inspiration for me. In fact, right after I read this piece I went upstairs and just hugged my son over and over and told him how much I loved him and lo and behold that usual trace of bitterness in my heart was actually gone! As you wrote this is a special neshama sent down from above together with his unique challenges. My job is to simply love and accept him just as Hashem fashioned him to be. I hope that these positive thoughts and interactions with my "forever child" will bring an aliya to the neshama of your dear son. Please know that by sharing your story you have truly made a difference to me and my family and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. May Hashem comfort you and your family and may you know of no more sorrow.

(94)
Laura,
July 9, 2013 3:26 AM

Thank you.

Thank you for your courage, Aliza. Mostly, thank you for reminding me how precious and fragile life is to us. In this moment I have a family member in a facility for mental health reasons. Because of your pain and your wise words, I now know I must be stronger and more vigilant of how I care for my dearest. Also, thank you for blessing the world with such a brave and kind son. Albeit short, his life made all of ours better.

(93)
Guisela,
July 8, 2013 11:30 PM

Ima you are a strong woman.

Ima, thank you for your words of wisdom . I admire your strength and love of Torah, you inspire me.

(92)
Michael Stern,
July 8, 2013 11:25 PM

Us too

Dear Aliza- I couldn't read pass the 1st line - oy- how it hit homeI will read the rest im'y - Denise and I send our love to you. May Hashem strengthen all of you to manage well, be a source of love for one another, and to help you discover the new normal with compassion and mercy -Mike Stern

(91)
Gevura,
July 8, 2013 11:21 PM

Wow

What a tremendous inspiration you are to us all. Your ability to handle one of life's greatest challenges with faith is truly admirable. May Hashem bless you with continued strength and dignity. I specifically want to applaud your tremendous courage in speaking so openly about such a sensitive topic. Blessings

(90)
Aharon Natan,
July 8, 2013 11:14 PM

So much Chizuk, inspiration!

Thank you for sharing with us this powerful and inspiring story about Doni alav hashalom. Hashem has given you such chizuk and chochma. May you and your family only receive very good news from now.

(89)
Avraham Harel,
July 8, 2013 8:33 PM

Doni and his caring mother

I am very touched by your hard and happy memories with your unique son Doni and I am learning from you, that I must repair my own relation with my son Shalom, be-esrat hashemthank you very much' Aliza.

(88)
Leya Yetta,
July 8, 2013 8:13 PM

Thank you for sharing the story of Doni, you, and the family. My now 35 year old daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's approximately 10 years ago, after other diagnoses and now also has depression, anxiety, migraines and possibly seizures. As advanced as our worlds of science and medicine are, there is still so much more to learn. The life of these children, when young and when grown, is so difficult for them and their families and their friends. How fortunate that you were able to find schools and programs when Doni could enjoy his life. Always remember all the positive things you did for him. My condolences to you and all the family.

(87)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 7:48 PM

HaMakom yenachem et'chem b'toch shar avay'lay Tzion vee'Yerushalayim. May the Omnipresent comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

(86)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 6:43 PM

baruch dayan emet

thank you so much for putting your life and love into words and sharing it with me. I will think of the tremendous kindness your whole family showed and am inspired to have more patience with my own children. baruch dayan emet

(85)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 5:34 PM

great article so difficult

(84)
Janet Waller,
July 8, 2013 3:35 PM

Deepest condolences

Aliza,

I am so respectful and awed that at each step of the way in your son's life you did what you thought was the best for him. That is what a mother can do and it is very great. I pray that Hashem will comfort you and your family among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. May your son's memory be for a blessing.

(83)
Paul,
July 8, 2013 3:26 PM

Thanks! I needed that.

It's encouraging to better understand and to cope with what goes on inside a mind that is bi-polar.

(82)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 2:31 PM

My experience in Bi Polar

Your article injects many time to relationship between life, Judaism and survival as it applied to you and your son. Let me mention one book by Rabbi Yitzchok Kirzner: Making Sense of Suffering, A Jewish Approach

(81)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 1:49 PM

ANONYMOUS

Aliza, Your strength is inspiring.

(80)
dcweisswasser,
July 8, 2013 12:44 PM

may the alpresent comfort you among the mournwers of tzion and yerushalayim

we almost met in Detroit ant a conference last year, and really admire your strength and perseverence with Dani and all your children. May god continue to give you strength!!DC

(79)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 12:31 PM

my son who is 33 sent me this article , to quote him, so that I should understand how he feels most of the time. I too have struggled and continue to try to find answers to my sons condition.Many of the symptoms described about Doni can be ascribed to Ari, my son.Please let me know how I can connect to Aliza Bulow. Perhaps she can offer me something that can be helpful. I too live in fear that one day Ari too may take the same route that Doni took.Thank you for your help.

I have Bi-Polar myself. I understand both you and your son [of blessed memory]. Thank you for sharing this story, I have learned and grown from what you have shared.

(77)
Sara Rigler,
July 8, 2013 9:39 AM

Powerful

I am awed by Aliza Bulow's unconditional love during all the difficult years of raising Doni--her patience, her persistence in trying to find the correct diagnosis, her willingness to meet him on his own terms, her acceptance of his choosing out of Judaism, her understanding, even her dancing with him! I also have a 19-year-old son, with 1/1000 of the problems Doni had, yet I deal with him with scarcely a fraction of the patience that Aliza exhibited. I pray that I could be one tenth of the great mother that Aliza Bulow was and is.

Dianne Gaddin,
July 9, 2013 2:31 AM

Aliza's unconditional love

Don't be in awe of Aliza - she did what mothers are supposed to do - love unconditionally - help and support her son through his nightmare journey. There are no answers but I will say that not everyone with Bipolar suicides. He is now in a better place and at peace with himself and his memories live on!

Sara,
July 11, 2013 6:05 PM

Be in awe

A mother usually WANTS to love unconditionally, but many, even most don't have the strength, patience or tools to actually do so. I've met Aliza personally & she is an amazing person & mother. She exudes love & warmth to all no matter what.

(76)
Laya,
July 8, 2013 6:06 AM

so sorry for your loss

Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it helps others. I hope it brings you some comfort to know that so many souls are loving and supporting you through this tragedy and that even through your pain, you are helping so many. love and hugs to your family

(75)
Shaindy,
July 8, 2013 5:08 AM

There are no words to tell you how sorry I am for your loss, but I hope and pray that the knowledge your story has touched so many people and helped so many more (including me - it will change the way I deal with a son who is difficult) will provide some comfort.

May you and your family be comforted amongst the mourners of Zion.

(74)
Eliezer Barak,
July 8, 2013 3:06 AM

Aliza,I am so sorry for your loss!I am so happy for the gifts of Doni's life!I am confident that Olam HaBah will soothe our neshamot.

(73)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 2:42 AM

May Hashem send them and all families who suffered this a nechama may we hear no more suffering. My heart is bleeding for this worldy Tragedy of tender souls when they don't yet know how to emotionally defend themselves be put labels and names it becomes there identidy and who they believe to be? ANd the h"holy phsycho"puts the lil innocent soul on drugs lest they not interrupt the class or teachers so the lil kid doesn't act good or bad he doesn't Act! No innicietive? Are those tender souls to blame when they grow up with those labeles

(72)
Abraham,
July 8, 2013 2:41 AM

Thank you for sharing your story

Thank you for sharing your story we grew up with a mother who was bipolar. To put it in perspective life was very difficult for us because most days she was in so much emotional pain she wanted to die and we went to school not knowing if she was successful or not. Every time we got called to the office our hearts would beat faster and extreme fear would set in. Now many years latter I thank G-d for getting us through I truly believe everything happens for a reason I don't know why my mother had to suffer so much but do know that from that experience I have developed such compassion and love for others which has help make me the person I am today. We can not ask why just be thankful for the time we have and the gifts we received. I am sorry for your loss and pray when you think of him you remember you remember only the good memories and happy times.

(71)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 2:28 AM

I am so sorry for your loss, and I smiled and cried as I read this article. My little brother was also diagnosed with ADHD and depression at around 8 years old. By 5th grade he was out of day school and in public school. After a boy in the school committed suicide, my brother talked about it for weeks. Not that he had never discussed dying--he was sure that life would be better for everyone without him. He always threatened to run away, to kill himself. But after that other boy's suicide, we put him in a new school. And there, after years of the wrong medications, he was diagnosed with a mood disorder, very similar to Bipolar disorder. Thank goodness that he is strong and healthy now, all these years later, but reading this article brings me back to those dark days. just want you to know that you are a wonderful mother, with a brave and golden soul, who did everything you could for your beautiful boy. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts, and I hope that the Jewish world figures out how to properly help more of our suffering children. May you only know joys from here on out.

(70)
Barbara,
July 8, 2013 1:07 AM

May the strength of Torah and the knowledge of Hashem continue to comfort you.

(69)
miriam w cohen,
July 8, 2013 1:02 AM

courage

It took a lot of courage for you to write this article. It is a shame that the Orthodox community can not find a way to include and to accept the suffering of the kids with mental illnesses, and the parents who have no way to turn for help with the Jewish community. There aren't many teachers that seem to know how deal with anyone with special needs and the concern is the"Shanda" and the Shidduch situation.

You are lucky to have a good Rabbi who accepted your sorrow and was able to include and allow full burial in our Jewish tradition. Hamakom Yenachem Otach B'Shaar Avlei Tzion V'Yerushalayim.

Alvin,
July 9, 2013 4:30 PM

You are wrong

Miriam
Please do not use this tragedy to criticize the Orthodox community for not including children with profound special needs. As Mrs. Bulow says, they did try, but just as mainstream public schools cannot (and are not expected to) handle children like Doni, the Orthodox schools, which have far smaller budgets, cannot. They tried, but his needs were far more profound.
Three of our children are diagnosed with special needs. Two have been able to be integrated in the mainstream Orthodox system, with modifications and the eager cooperation of the administration. The boys' school tried to work with the third, bending over backwards and going far beyond the call of duty, but it was decided by all parties that his needs were too profound to stay.
Inclusion works, but only up to a point. I speak from experience.

(68)
Michelle,
July 8, 2013 12:54 AM

You are a strong woman

Thank you for so eloquently sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and your family and all of those who knew Doni. My Exboyfriend suffered from severe depression for most of his life since he was a teen and tried every medication out there. I tried everything I could to make him happy but in the end I finally realized there would never be anything I could do...
My experience with him made me more sympathetic to those with mental illnesses. You are such a strong woman and I hope that in time your loss of Doni will become easier to cope with.

(67)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 12:26 AM

I understand

I cried reading your story, i have a son who is struggling with mental illness and thoughts of suicide. While its so very difficult for us" the family but its a constant burden that our loved ones have to deal with.

(66)
Dan,
July 8, 2013 12:24 AM

Sorry for your loss.

It is truly sad to here your story. Perhaps it should also be a reminder to all that the side effects of many of these medications include increased suicide. In fact prior to Ritalin etc being used in the 80s suicide rates in children were 54'per 100,000 with these medications the rate has gone thru the roof and is 740 per 100,000.

(65)
anonymous,
July 8, 2013 12:12 AM

Thank you for sharing

I tip my hat to you for writing an article that must have been painful to write. Please take comfort that you fulfilled the task Hashem gave you to parent Doni and you did so with great effort, love and devotion and tremendous positivity. May Hashem grant you a true nechama.

(64)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 12:07 AM

anonymous

Baruch Dayan Emet

(63)
Laura,
July 8, 2013 12:06 AM

Peace be unto you

May G-d wraps His winds around you and comfort you as only He can. Give yourself time and don't lose patience. It may take a life time to find rest in this loss.I wish I could have known your son...I would have LOVED him like the teacher did. The title of his Power Point Presentation made me laugh out loud. He must have been a treasure.Having suffered from depression for most of my life, I can empathize with his pain.

(62)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 11:30 PM

Understanding depression

Dear Aliza,I am not a mother yet but I know I will be someday because children are my passion. I think I would like to have one and adopt one or two. I am so so deeply sorry for what you have been through. Thank you for sharing your story though. I think it helps a lot of people, and I know it helps me even though I find it hard to read. I find it hard because I have very personal connections with depression. I am not bipolar, which I understand to be a good thing, but I have made attempts, once very serious one. I have spent a total of two months in three different hospitals for these reasons over the years. I am finally at a place where I am not exactly happy, but happy to be here. Supportive family is so important and nobody is perfect obviously and people with mental illnesses are difficult to live with. I know I am! But I wish my mom was a bit more understanding like you seem, because you sound like you were and are an incredible mom to your son, and your other kids too. I am Jewish also, so I find it very interesting about what your Rabbi told you. Thank you again for sharing your story and be strong. I am sure your son would want you to live and be happy. Shalom <3

(61)
Gloria,
July 7, 2013 11:17 PM

Tender Loving Care

My heart and prayers,
Go out to you as the parent who has traveled a similar path.
You are very generous to open the chamber of your precious memories with this world. I hope that this story is a keyhole to the private and public education system that initiates new understanding of what thousands of families have experienced. May it lead to blessing and enable future strengthening towards a united supportive growth in our communities. May the life that Doni shared,his hope and hopelessness together bring forth new research of his genius revelation of his true gift. He was gifted unlike the rest. He was a minority and we overlook the responsibility we owe to God and our community. God bless you and heal your grief. Sincerely Gloria in Texas

(60)
Nieve,
July 7, 2013 11:09 PM

Asperger's -this world is usually too primitive and hard for them

I could see from the very beginning of the article, that Doni had to have Asperger's. It all made sense when you mentioned it later. I've met several people with Asperger's and they are all extremely special, kind and really evolved souls -usually misunderstood by almost everyone who doesn't have the "disorder". Two of these people are two of my best friends ever... and I'm sure Doni was one of those special souls. I guess this world is often too harsh and painful for most of them, they are a reminder for us to make it better. Because there are more and more of them being born each day... this might not be a "disorder" at all, but the next step in our species. This world needs reforming. Opening. More understanding, maybe less rules, more spirituality. Less generalising, and more getting to know the person. That's what people like Doni bring to our world, that's their message...

(59)
Susan Sirota,
July 7, 2013 10:40 PM

My Story is so Similar to Yours

I grew up with a mother who was the sole survivor of her family who perished in the Holocaust and lived with her mental illness until she died at the age of 60. I, too, had a beautiful, brilliant son who was diagnosed with OCD at age 11 and then bi-polar when he was in college. He was a straight A student, attended an excellent university on a scholarship but after being treated for severe depression in his senior year he was given a very high dose of Zoloft which triggered a manic episode. He was hospitalized and stabilized so we allowed him to go to Israel with Birthright, not knowing that he went off his medication. He was obsessed with ending his life, was hospitalized several times, we tried everything . Finally, at the age of 23 he took his life. I am having trouble with my faith in Hashem -- all I know is I miss my son intensely and hope that there is an Olam Habah where I will get to see him once again. My heart goes out to you and everyone who has experienced a child who died by suicide. Thank you for your honest article.

(58)
Marion,
July 7, 2013 9:39 PM

I also understand Doni

I too understand Doni. His way of thinking is incredibly unique, and cannot always be understood by 'neuro-typical' people. What people like us have to offer the world is special, no matter how short a time we are here for.

(57)
Shana,
July 7, 2013 9:05 PM

The way you describe Doni is so beautiful and poignant. You also demonstrate so well how Jewish education and the community need to expand to meet the needs of those that don't "fit the norm", along w/their families, as they too, deserve our support and encouragement, as they have much to teach us and to contribute in the different spheres of life. You also show us that just as we are supportive of those w/physical ailments, and do the mitzvah of bikur cholim, we need to extend that as well to people who have mental health issues . Hamakom yenachem eschem bsoch sharei avlay yerushalayim.

(56)
HOPE,
July 7, 2013 9:01 PM

CHAZAK,CHAZAK,V'NITCHAZEK"

AS A PARENT OF AN ADULT WHO HAS BEEN LIVING WITH A MENTAL DISABILITY FOR OVER 25 YEARS WE CAN EMPATHIZE AND SALUTE YOUR FAMILY.OUR PROCESS IS TO REVEAL TO OTHERS AND JOIN SUPPORT GROUPS TO ELIMINATE STIGMA.WE WHO HAVE THE PROBLEM OF SPECIAL CHILDREN MUST REACH OUT IF WE ARE TO CONTINUE IN A POSITIVE ROAD .I AM SURE THAT THIS IS WHAT YOUR DONI Z'L WOULD WANT AND HIS NESHAMAH WILL CLIMB HIGHER AND HIGHER.MY EMAIL IS AVAILABLE.

(55)
Frankie,
July 7, 2013 9:00 PM

My sympathy to this family

My younger brother who is now 56 yrs suffers from mental illness, now that my parents are deceased I assist in his care, he is like my child even though he is only 16 months younger than me. My concern is often what happens to him when I am gone. I feel so much compassion for this family because no matter what they did they could not stop this from happening. It is not easy to realize that we cannot prevent some things in this life. I pray you take comfort in all you did to give him as many years as you could, and send a loving hug to each of member of Doni's family.

(54)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 8:41 PM

Thank you

Thank you for sharing your story - you and your family must be incredibly special and strong. I admire the way that you have faced this challenge and I pray that you and your family be comforted and blessed by Hashem with only good.

(53)
Miriam,
July 7, 2013 8:07 PM

Thank you for sharing

Thank you for sharing these difficult experiences. I cried at your loss, and I pray Hashem gives you the strength to get through this.

(52)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 7:59 PM

Dealing with a menatlly ill person

Baruch Dayan Emes. My condolences to you for your loss. May Don, A"H" be a "gutter beiter " for you and klal Yisroel.I have read that meds in teens may have the opposite effect they were intended for, and may make depression worse. I would recommend you notify the drug companies about this. May you be comforted among the mourners of Israel and Jerusalem. On a personal note, my ex husband was diagnosed with Bipolar after 8 years of marriage I had blamed myself for being unable to elicit happiness from him, not realizing someone with depression could not feel happiness in what others did. When he had a serious manic episode, I again thought I was my not watching him enough to realize what he was up.. He at that point was also suicidal. He was engaging in illegal activity, yet I never reported him to authorities as it " only" involved my family. And when after two decades we got divorced, I did not put his mental illness on the record. I am not sure if it was that I was trying to still protect him, as always. But it cost me very dearly as I kept being afraid he would commit suicide if I pushed for what I deserved in the divorce. It gets complicated. BP is a horrific disease and all who are part of the life of someone who is mentally ill are affected. Sadly his family is still in denial, as is mine.Your son gave a lot of joy to you and was a good person. People with BP have the same range of good - evil as normal people. Some are evil, others kind. may you have joy from now on, and no more suffering.

(51)
eliezer,
July 7, 2013 7:55 PM

My heart aches

Dear Aliza: I feel for your loss. I have suffered from severe depression and have known what it is like to want to take my life. Thank you for your compassion and your courage to tell your story. I pray that Hashem provides you and your loved ones with comfort and that Hashem heal all of us who are afflicted with mental illness.

(50)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 7:45 PM

Min ha shamayim te nachamu

Dear Aliza,I was fortunate to hear your lecture this past week in Vancouver. It was a wonderful talk, full of insight, inspiration and food for thought. I am now even more humbled to realize that your son only recently passed and that you were able to be a jewish light for our small community despite your own grief and mourning. I am truly sorry for your loss but wanted you to know that your story has helped me understand the life of my husband's brother (who also suffered from bipolar and also passed in a similar fashion).'You are an inspiration and I pray G-d gives you the strength you need to get through this difficult time.

(49)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 7:38 PM

a touching tribute to a child of G-d

My deepest sympathy to you and your family on your loss. And my admiration for your strength and belief in the goodness of Hashem.

Your description of bipolar disorder helped me see why a close family member acts as he does. Our community needs to be as open and understanding as your rabbi. May Doni's neshama (soul), which of course was always healthy and pure, have an aliyah in shamayim (heaven). And may he be an intermediary for your family and all of k'lal Yisrael. Wishing you only simchas from now on.

(48)
Sarah Cohen,
July 7, 2013 7:10 PM

As a mother and grandmother my heart was aching as I read. Doni is and always was with HaShem. It does not lesson the loss and emptiness but to know that he is where he wanted to be and that he is no longer in pain should be a little comforting..... May he now be in peace forever.

(47)
Chava,
July 7, 2013 6:41 PM

I understand Doni

I understand Doni. Talk to autistic adults, like myself, you'll see much deeper understanding of Doni. I'd love to elaborate, but its private, just take comfort knowing Doni was too much fur this world... He needed more, and not anything that can be provided on earth.

Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 2:50 AM

Interesting

Very interesting. What do you think you mean by more?

(46)
Fred,
July 7, 2013 6:41 PM

Read Dr. Michael Newtons Books

Very good reading about his research on why we are here and the decisions we make before being reincarnated. He is a doctor who has a lot of research through hypnotherapy.

(45)
Rivka,
July 7, 2013 6:38 PM

Thank you for sharing your story

Dear Aliza, I am so sorry for your loss. I have a daughter with severe ADHD and sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for myself or wondering why me because she can be so difficult. But she is full of love and life, every day she finds something to be (extremely) excited about so thank you for the reminder to be thankful for the gift of a child who is different... and in my case thankful that despite her challenges she loves life.

(44)
Marcia,
July 7, 2013 6:35 PM

There are NO support groups in the religious cmmunity

I tried to start a Friends & Family support group in my neighborhood (Far Rock) and was told no one would come because it's a shidduch issue and no one would be willing to open up like that. But I know that there are other families out there who could use support. But places like Achiezer said no", that it can't happen. ( I personally asked them) So how can anyone get support if places like THAT are not willing to step up and help?

Barbara,
July 7, 2013 8:14 PM

Don't stop trying to get the support that you need

How sad that a religious community will not offer support that is so very much needed. Please consider finding the support services that you need in the secular world. NAMI is one such group that you should look into.

Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 12:25 AM

A friend from Denver writes

Dear Aliza, I have long admired your clear intellect and wisdom. I now must add to that list courage which is itself an act of love If I could I would Bless you all properly and thouroughly with peace. - the blessing that holds so many other blessings with love

(43)
Audrey,
July 7, 2013 6:22 PM

You are an amazing mom.

I have a ten month old son. Who knows what his future holds? I pray HaShem grants me the warmth and wisdom you showed at the best and worst times. I also pray whatever brings you comfort surrounds you.

(42)
Melissa Solomonov,
July 7, 2013 6:13 PM

A devoted and Loving Mother

Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to share your son's story. All I can say is you have such strength and courage. You did everything you cod possibly do for your son. May Hashem continue to comfort you and your famy.

(41)
Peter,
July 7, 2013 6:11 PM

God Bless.

Doni has been chosen for Greater things, God knows what He is doing. Trust in Him.

(40)
Gary Levine,
July 7, 2013 6:08 PM

this story touched me

I also have a son who was very intelligent and well-loved. He constantly talked about and had many questions about suicide. It was an area of great concern to us. His mom and I were spared the pain of suicide and he received a lot of love from his family. Besides his mom and I, he also had a brother with whom he was and is always close, as well as two sets of grandparents. I'm glad to say he's now married (five years) and seems to be devoting himself to his family. I always look forward to seeing him, of course, but the tension never leaves me permanently.

I found the article incredibly heart felt and I thank you for sharing it with us.

(39)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 6:04 PM

Please accept my sincerest condolences

My son too was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 6. We have put much time, love and money into helping him. He has graduated from a fine school and will start looking for work. It has been a long haul. He is not like us and it is difficult to understand why he makes some of his choices. It was very painful when he was young and we could see he didn't fit in. It would be even more painful when adults would dart off judgmental looks or comments about what was wrong with our kid. I can't imagine how much greater our challenge would have been if he also had a diagnosis of Bi-polar on top of the Asperger's. I find myself biting my tongue when people brag about their kids as if their parenting style turned out such great kids. What many of these blessed parents don't realize is their kid was selected for the "lucky wiring" club. I have another son who was blessed with it all. People often heap praise about him. What they don't realize is my Asperger's son has to work 5 times harder for what comes easy to my have-it-all son. Mrs. Bulow, you did everything you could. No stone was left unturned regarding your dear Doni. May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

(38)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 6:04 PM

My "Doni"

I have and am living your experience . Your grief is deeply felt by me . I thank you for sharing and may he rest in peace and may you all find comfort

(37)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 5:54 PM

My condolences for the loss of your precious child

I am so sorry for your loss! You are a strong and wonderful mother! May G-d grant you and your family comfort during this difficult time. G-d willing you will be re-united with Doni's neshama in the next world, free from the trappings of mental illness.

(36)
Israel G Fuentes,
July 7, 2013 5:48 PM

May G-D give you some peace.

Because only He knows how you feel.

(35)
Bethany,
July 7, 2013 5:32 PM

Beautiful tribute, thank you

This was a beautiful tribute to your son. I lost my father to suicide, there aren't many people who are willing and able to discuss the issue this well. Thank you for having the courage to do so.

(34)
Bernie Kastner,
July 7, 2013 5:30 PM

Doni chose you, not God

As a parent who also lost a 19-year old son to an illness, I can identify with your pain, although cannot feel the intensity of your particular loss, since every bereavement is different. It took much courage for you to share your deep and intimate thoughts about your beloved son. In your penultimate paragraph you mentioned that it was God who chose you to be his parents and that His calculations are perfect. Actually, according to kabala and also based on hypnotic regression research, the soul (neshama) is the one who chooses his parents and his body before descending to this world. Each soul has choices to make - God doesn't always interfere in those choices. Doni knew the challenges he was to face and that is why he chose you to be there and help him in his journey. You to the exclusion of everyone else. He didn't plan on commiting suicide from the outset although this was a challenge he may have confronted in a previous incarnation. While he struggled and ultimately succumbed, you may find comfort in knowing that his neshama, immediately upon ascending to the sanctuary of souls in heaven, realized that he must have yet another chance to try to overcome the particular challenge he needed to face in order to bring him closer to his personal tikkun. Hence, right after the shiva period was over, a part of his his neshama was given permission to enter yet another body so that he could continue to find the way toward resolving the tremendous pain he was experiencing. He will always remember what you have done for him and will take that with him in his continued quest toward ultimate perfection.

(33)
Cheryl Medlin,
July 7, 2013 5:30 PM

My condolences and admiration

I am so sorry for your loss. We have a Schizophrenic son, our younger. He will soon be 38 and reminds me daily of the fact. He also is obsessive compulsive. Unlike your son, my son is borderline mentally handicapped. He is a daily challenge but with the aid of medication he enjoys a mostly happy life. He is our forever child. At 64 years of age, I get tired and impatient sometimes, but I wouldn't take anything for each day I have with him. It took a while to find a diagnosis; which like yourself I begged for, and medication that worked. I knew he was schizophrenic like my brother who is now 67, but for some reason nobody wanted to label a 16 yr old or even an 18 yr old schizophrenic. No medication seemed to help the obsessiveness, but some days I have to claim my right to be unable to listen to the same obsession a dozen times. It seems to me that you did a wonderful job of helping your son every way you could and enjoying him every moment you had. Some days my son asks me if I ever get tired of this life. I answer him honestly; yes I do but I find something the next day to make it worth while. Blessings on you and your family. May God help the pain to fade and the memories to be sweet.

(32)
Doris,
July 7, 2013 5:29 PM

Baruch Dayan Emes

I share your pain and anguish, Aliza. Only families who deal with a mental health patient understand and appreciate the daily struggles they experience. You and Doni A"H were lucky to have a good support system. May his holy neshama repose in Gan Eden where we know he is being meilitz yosher for your family and Klal Yisroel. Hamakom yenachem eschem b'soch sha'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim.

(31)
Sue,
July 7, 2013 5:26 PM

Doni

Dear Mrs.Bulow, May Hashem bless you and grant you Peace.With my deep sympathy and Love to you and your family.

(30)
Chevi,
July 7, 2013 5:22 PM

This was the most beautifully written article I have ever read. Hashem chose the most perfect mom and family for Doni. The way his mom understood and accepted him is phenomenal! May his Neshoma have an aliya. Thank u so much for writing this and inspiring so many people!

(29)
Jeff A.,
July 7, 2013 5:15 PM

Thank you

Thank you for sharing more about Doni and his challenges. May you and Ephraim be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. My family is here to help in any way we can.

(28)
Debbie Litwack,
July 7, 2013 5:08 PM

Thankfully you have Torah....

It it important to always remind yourself that none of this was your fault! You sounded like you did everything possible for your brilliant,"quirky" but mentally unstable son.

My (totally secular) BFF lost her daughter to suicide erev Pesach about four years ago. Her type of Bi-Polar sounded exactly like your son's. She was also very bright. She had wanted to be cremated! There was no real funeral or shiva. They have no Torah or such a community of support and therefore are still devastated.

May Hashem bring you comfort among all the mourners of Zion and Yerushalayim.

(27)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 5:03 PM

Thank you for writing & I am so sorry for your loss

I sincerely thank you for writing. Your journey and loss truly touched me and I feel so greatly for you. Raising a child with special needs is a very challenging and thankless job. As a parent of a mentally ill child myself, I fully related to your situation and learned from it. I am sure that I speak for many others in thanking you for sharing this painful experience. May Hashem comfort you with all the mourners of Jerusalem and Zion, and may Doni's memory only be for a blessing.

(26)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 5:03 PM

Inspiring Story

Thank you for so eloquently sharing your remarkable journey with your beautiful son. Your words and actions are inspiring and I found myself fascinated by who you appear to be as much as by Doni's incredible life. I wish you peace, comfort and many blessings...

(25)
Ruth Housman,
July 7, 2013 5:00 PM

Life at the Poles

Bipolar illness is painful as that pole that is depression can feel like the darkest night, devoid of light. Traveling to the other pole and arriving is to experience a sometime terrifying ecstasy, a sense that all is in fact One, a kind of ineffable ferling of merger. It could be said we all, being human, experience this swing, but those among us so disgnosed easily slide as that slide feels greased. Many, despite studies to the contrary are exceptionally bright, creative, artistic and perhaps that merger or sense of it is metaphoric for all art, all creativity. Your son has these anguished swings. Everyone tried hardto give him the support and love we all need. We are all in this together. Reading about his struggle makes me feel his life was heroic. His wad always to question and his was a quest. I am convinced he found his way home and that his soul embraces you all with great, enduring love.

(24)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 4:55 PM

Your son's suicide

Oh, my dearest friend! Our oldest son, 19, came home during the Christmas holidays (this was years ago), got his dad's shotgun, went to the woods adjacent to our house, screamed and then shot himself to death. We heard it all. If you want to contact me, I'm here for you. Words fail - and please don't ever let anyone tell you that you should be over it by now. My heart is yours!Patricia

(23)
Eric,
July 7, 2013 4:49 PM

Thank you for sharing - We are also living through this

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Hashem should comfort you and your family. We are also living through this nightmare with our bi-polar son. He was a charming, inquisitive, warm, social boy until about the 5th grade and then something changed. We have been struggling with the same issues you describe for about 12 years now. It truly is an illness. The problem with mental illness is that many people don't think it is an illness. If our son had cancer then we would get sympathy, support and understanding from people, but when it's a mental illness people think it must be our fault, or there was something wrong with our parenting skills, or that it's somehow his fault. He is now 22, the fourth of our six children spread over 15 years. He goes out to work most days, but everyday we wonder if it will be the last that we see him. He feels a pain that we have no way of understanding. May the Holy One Blessed be He send a Refuah Shelemah too all who need it.

(22)
ann goodman,
July 7, 2013 4:17 PM

very sad and very moving

I was so saddened by this story of Doni and his difficulties in life and his tragic death. I pray he is resting in peace and that his family has found peace and acceptance.

(21)
Bob Rovinsky,
July 7, 2013 4:13 PM

Three things I learned

When my son died I was visited by parents who had lost a child 5 years earlier and they taught me three lessons. The first is that you never get over the death of your child, that it will always be fresh although you may think of him less often, but you will always mourn. The second is that you mourn alone - even husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, must mourn alone, and that makes it harder, but it is normal. Third is that your relationship with Hashem will change in ways you cannot anticipate, and that too is normal. The fourth lesson is one I learned on my own, that you will find that many friends and family members will say things that are not helpful and awkward, although they mean well, and that sometimes strangers or casual friends can be really helpful. Be sure to forgive everyone who tries to help but says the wrong thing and remember that some people just cannot reach out to you and forgive them as well.

Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 5:41 PM

beautiful lessons

and i think that the fifth lesson is - remember the four above

(20)
Tsivya,
July 7, 2013 4:08 PM

Doni is sorely missed

We didn't know Doni very long, but we bonded so very quickly. We were looking forward to many years of knowing him. May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion.

(19)
ChanaGoanna,
July 7, 2013 4:06 PM

baruch dayan emet

I am so sorry for your pain and for the loss of Doni and his gifts to the world. It was so courageous and generous of you to share your story and reach out to others even through your pain. I wish you healing and peace.

(18)
TYBIE ABRAMS,
July 7, 2013 4:05 PM

Share your loss

My incredibly wonderful son suffered with the bi polar disease. As if g-d gave him to all of us because of his magnetic personality, good humor and love. We treasure those memoies. He died at 37 suddenly...an enlarged heart.As a Mother of a special child, a child in pain....and the loss of that child my tears are for you as well as myself.It's been 7 years for me and the pain will be with me forever....I feel his presence and memories are reassuring...

Thank you for writing this article...............

(17)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 4:03 PM

There are no words

A beautifully written article about a painful and deeply personal issue. Thank you for sharing this important information with the world. I hope that the act of writing may diminish, in some small measure, the pain and enormity of the loss. May Hashem comfort you and yours among the mourners of Zion & Yerushalayim. May you also be comforted by happy memories and by the knowledge that you did absolutely everything humanly possible to guide and love this soul while he was with us in this world.

(16)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 4:01 PM

I have it too.

I am in my 50's and Bipolar Disorder has been with me since I was a child. I attribute my longevity to a caring child psychiatrist and medication. He told me when I was an adult that he didn't think I was going to live. No one who hasn't experienced this can truly understand the suffering involved. If I didn't have medication available to me, I would have left this world a long time ago and I almost did. Know that as parents, you are not to blame. You did not cause it nor could you take it away. Your son is no longer ill and suffering with this terrible disease. Shalom.

(15)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 3:30 PM

May you be comforted..

Wow! What a story! May you be strengthened and comforted by Hashem, who keeps all your t'filos and tears in a special "box." May you only have nachas from your family, and may we be zoche to greet Moshiach very soon, when we will be united with all our loved ones.

(14)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 3:28 PM

Thank you

I have been crying all the way through reading this piece.

I have been severely depressed from my teenage years onwards. I have had months in which I was feeling optimistic, but I usually crash again after a few weeks. The weather is now shining, I see all the people being happy.I feel depressed.. At the moment, I am facing great financial and professional problems, I pray and pray to be released from this disease. It kills one's spirit. It's very difficult to live with. For me, it is a constant struggle not to give in to suicidal thoughts. Just doing the most mundane things to keep a daily routine, take so much much energy. I pray, I try my best. It's difficult not to despair, but I have confidence that G*d has a plan for me. I might not understand his plan and it's at times unbearable to live this life, but this is what give me the hope and courage to carry on.

Tragedies like that of your precious son are difficult to understand.

Thank you for this article. I am thinking of your family and your boy, and pray for your wellbeing. May you find much comfort in the shared memories and love for each other. May haShem bless yyou all.

Kathy,
July 8, 2013 2:12 AM

To Anonymous

G-d most certainly has a purpose for you. How strong you are to face your daily battles! Every day you get up and out and just function is a testimony of what faith can do. Be well, my friend, it will be worth it.

Anonymous,
July 8, 2013 12:05 PM

Thank you.

Thank you.

Anonymous,
July 23, 2013 3:02 AM

KEEP going

My heart goes out to you! May Hashem give you the stregnth to continue, and grant you a Refuah Shleima BeKarov! May Hashem direct you to the proper doctor who will the right messenger to help you have a full recovery. Keep Going! GOD's power is unlimited and there will be a time when your pain will end, and you will rewarded for your suffering.

(13)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 2:53 PM

Thank you for sharing...

Your post brought me to tears. You are incredibly courageous to share your story with us. It is such a personal, emotional experience to be going through. I have a loved one who has been suffering with this pain for a very long time. He is much older than your precious Doni and gone through much torment. The entire family is affected by his illness and it is painful to be a helpless "by-stander" even though we are very supportive. May HaShem raise his Neshema and provide you the comfort and healing you so so need - among all the mourners in Tzion V'Yirushalayim.

(12)
Serena,
July 7, 2013 2:47 PM

There really are no words...

{{{{{HUG}}}}} (consider that from Abba) and prayers for you and your family's comfort and shalom.

(11)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 2:40 PM

Asperger’s can be rough

I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's in my 50's. Wish it had happened earlier. For me, one of the more painful parts of Asperger's was the intense isolation. Due to a rather unusual family history, I had always assumed it was developmental. The diagnosis explained a great deal. There is a tendency to depression with Asperger’s which would be amplified by Bipolar. That is a horrible combination. I admire your support for Doni.

(10)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 1:17 PM

We send our love....

Dear Mrs. Bulow:My heart breaks with you and for you. I think I also have a "forever child" and I am sad every single day because of his loneliness and anger. Sometimes, despite our love and doctors and prayers, our child does not get better. I do not and never will understand why our great Master has designed this - I also will not ever understand the incredible gift of faith that He gives us, despite agonies on Earth. Doni completed his mission here. His life had incredible purpose; now he is well and not hurting. I believe you will someday be reunited - and the reason for your family's experience will make sense. Peace and abiding faith to you and your family. May Doni's memory bless us all.

(9)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 9:25 AM

May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion

Please accept my condolences for your loss.

Thank you for sharing your story.

(8)
Gemma,
July 7, 2013 7:10 AM

May Hashem comfort you and your family, among the mourners of Tzion and Yerushalayim. I am so sorry for you loss. Thank you for sharing your story. It is extremely inspiring to see how you are choosing to see the hand of G-d in all that happened.

(7)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 4:09 AM

Tizku l'mitzvos

Thank you so much for sharing this meaningful message. Thank you for helping to shed light onto this misunderstood subject matter & for your admirable contribution by being open about it. It is a subject matter not far from my life, & your meaningful words led me to shed tears & daven as I have loved ones who are no longer here due to the same illness your son suffered from. May his neshama have an aliyah, & may you and your family be comforted amongst the mourners of Tzion & Yerushalayim.

(6)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 3:36 AM

May he rest in peace!

May he rest in peace! While the world of psychiatrists, psychologists and the pharmaceutical complex has done a real number on convincing the population about labels, mental illness and medications I beg anybody reading this painful article and who may be going through a similar situation to please first read the following books by Dr. Peter Breggin, including Your Drug May Be Your Problem, The Anti-Depressant Fact Book and Talking Back to Ritalin. Psychiatry does not have all the answers. These books may help save the lives of your loved ones that are going through a difficult time in their lives. I have seen too many kids and adults being labeled by over zealous sychiatirist/psychologists and being sucked into a life long cycle of drugs that cause tremendous side effects, including depression, bi-polar symptoms, suicidal and homicidal ideation, psychosis etc..

Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 3:48 PM

Peace and Understanding

All we can do is save the next child and in that spirit we must all come to learn that juvenile bipolar disorder is/was a disease created by the pharmaceutical industry to market dangerous drugs, untested on children, for "off label" use. Symptoms were taken and manipulated from the adult symptoms of the disease. Millions of children were medicated and the dangerous side-effects substantiated the diagnosis and created even more dangerous symptoms like severe depression, psychosis, seizure disorders and, yes, suicide. Today there are a multitude of law suits, being won, agains these drug companies and the new DSM Code Book has gone to lengths to dispel this myth. God Bless, my child survived this, not without scars, but with a life ahead.

Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 4:30 PM

Drug induced mental illness.

As a Pharmacist (retired), and parent of a child with what I believe is RX drug induced "mental illness" I totally agree. This is a heartbreaking story too often told & sadly occurring daily. The effects of many psychotherapeutic drugs can be and are in many cases devistating.

Baruch Ben-Yosef,
July 7, 2013 5:20 PM

"Psychiatry...

...does not have all the answers." True enough. But what does? Quackery?

Dorit,
July 7, 2013 5:24 PM

Doni is in heaven on computers with Steve Jobs

The minute I began to read this moving story about a child full of curiosity, a need to experiment, experience, discover life, I knew he was in trouble. Our current education is NOT geared towards such questioning minds. We serve a Utilitarian model of follow the dotted line from cradle to grave. Anyone who steps out of that narrow corral is going to get labeled, and no doubt drugged into compliance. I agree with the above writer.
Read Dr. Peter Breggin's books...all of them....start with Reclaiming our Children, and Toxic Psychiatry. The drugs are the problems....Lithium is a drug that is hard to get off of...and brings on more depression! The other problem is non-acceptance of anyone outside our narrow vision of how people should be...religious or not. God gave us a Gift in Doni...and even though his parents and family loved him, society would not accept him.. We MUST stop labeling kids as mentally ill...dousing them with drugs. 70% of our U.S. population is on Prescription drugs...I'm sure Doni is at peace and in heaven with love all around him...and no labels as he sits with Steven Jobs...in the Joy of Acceptance!

Tynoos Angelica,
July 7, 2013 5:28 PM

You are so right, it's a pity people are so ignorant.

PLEASE understand that things in this poor child's life spiraled out of control the minute he was put on psychiatric drugs with horrible side effects. People must educate themselves. Read Medication Madness by Robert Whitaker, anything by Peter Breggin. So called disorders are not mental illnesses but labels that enable drugging children. That is a fallacy which is seductive because it relieves parental guilt. So so so sad.

Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 12:15 AM

No Guilt is Necessary

You need to educate yourself. I have had Bipolar Disorder since I was a child. I'm now a mature adult. The medication relieved my suffering to the extent that I am still alive, working and with a family of my own. This is a devastating disease with a genetic/biological component. It is not caused by parents nor can be relieved by them.

Anonymous,
July 10, 2013 3:11 AM

With all due respect, I am educated. In fact, I am a psychologist who has seen the devastating side effects of many of the psycho-tropic medications given to children, many of which are not even FDA approved for them. Unfortunately, children are being diagnosed, labeled and pathologized in epidemic proportions today. This is not about guilt, this is about facts and saving lives. I will not be silent. People need to be made aware of the risks involved when they go on these medications. I am glad that you are doing well, but unfortunately many struggle terribly in a never ending cycle of having their drugs adusted for life. And yes, side effects include mania, psychosis, homicidal and suicidal ideation as well as many others (do the research, it's out there). We will just have to agree to disagree!

Anonymous,
July 11, 2013 10:04 PM

Your sweeping generalizations and those of others disparaging medication for issues of the mind is astonishing and unfortunate. I thank G-d that anti-depressants exist; they have kept me stable for four decades - and I am not an anomaly. I do hope that those who could be helped as I have been helped are not dissuaded by your words from their proper use.

(5)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2013 3:14 AM

from reading this it's hard to see who has a more beautiful, holy soul you or your son? you sound like an incredible person, he was so lucky to have you as his mother., as you were to have him as a son. may you and your family be comforted among the mouners of tzion and yirushlayim. thank you so much for sharing this.

Tsivya,
July 7, 2013 4:05 PM

Correct

You are right; Aliza has a beautiful neshuma that radiates from her whole being.

Gabriala,
July 7, 2013 7:13 PM

I agree 100% with anonymous

I wish I could hug you Aliza, what a beautiful soul you have. To be be able to see Hashem's goodness in all of this is an incredible level. Thank you for sharing. xo

(4)
Jennifer,
July 7, 2013 2:16 AM

There is nothing worse

than the death of a child, and for it to end like this...so tragic. Such a handsome boy. Such a beautiful smile. To be so loved and yet to want to be out of this life forever? Mental illness is a hell we can't pretend to understand unless we are going through it ourselves. I hope that as time goes by you have peace in your heart for your darling boy.

mordi,
July 7, 2013 6:07 PM

to close

You're comments are short and cut too close to the bone.

(3)
Ira K.,
July 6, 2013 11:58 PM

I am so sorry for your loss

Dear Mrs. Bulow the words cannot begin to express how sorry I am about the loss of you precious boy! I have three boys myself and the oldest who is 10 has ADHD. I worry so much about him and the things that he said and does... As you said, I worry if its me and my "bad" parenting, we've seen psychologist since he said was four. We now have a behavioral specialist that comes to our house. I just want to do everything that I can to help him. Thank you so much for sharing your story, G-d bless you and your family.

(2)
Yehudith Shraga,
July 6, 2013 11:57 PM

Dear Aliza,you are a great mother!

With all the sadness and the pain of your experience, there is no words to show my admiration to your personal and parental qualities and your dedication to your child all these LONG 19 years being there for Doni.

No doubt Doni was a very special soul, but, as you rightly says, the G-d plans carefully.

He knew exactly what parents to send It to.

(1)
Malky (Feder-Bulow) Lovy,
July 6, 2013 8:29 PM

I'm in awe

Mrs. 'Ima' Bulow, I'm amazed, and always have been at your ability to be so open, honest and real no matter the circumstances. Doni in my mind is a scrawny 10 year old, with a big multicolored yarmulke, glasses falling down his nose and walking on his toes. I was incredibly devastated and shocked when I heard. I daven that Hashem give you and the rest of your amazing family continued koach and that He always be there with you the way you were always there for me. love your non-biological daughter, Malky

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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