…for the responsible parent

So, there we are on vacation in Charleston, the Holy City- a nickname we are challenging arduously at a popular watering hole, with delicious food to boot.

When They arrive. You know the type- the couple who met in college, an experience so transformative that they have looked the same for the past twenty years: college t-shirts, sweatshirts and baseball caps being de rigueur no matter the occasion. And of course, here come the accessories: sad little kids wearing the same school colors, hoping in their heart of hearts to be accepted to mommy and daddy’s university- someday. The Nerderati have landed!

I look over at our kids, sporting the quirky outfits they have chosen for themselves- no pressure to match from us!- and am encouraged. I long ago gave up the absurd notion that these people are predictable combinations of us, their parents- where did they come from, for chrissakes?!?! Anyway, I hear the SAT is out of vogue nowadays… or something… so, that’s a comfort.

This is where positive negativism kicks in: if you don’t push the whole nonsensical college thing, you can only be rewarded with a fortuitous university acceptance- one is plenty! I love a windfall, which I would not get if I were banking on things, like educated offspring. And no, I’m not saying discourage college- no, no. I’m saying, like with all the most important things in life- emotions, relationships, your children’s future- just don’t bring it up! It’ll sort itself out, and if not, there is no one to blame… and don’t buy that guilty for reasons of “omission” stuff- bovine scatology all the way!

So, as I watch the goofball family in the booth next to us, emblazoned in matching garish colors, I can only hope those two boys get into that damned university.

It has been a while, friends, and to my avid fans who have been too polite to overwhelm my inbox with pleas and complaints, I say “thank you!” In fact, your respectful complete radio silence has been an inspiration. Truly.

I have been on a bit of a hiatus developing my new philosophy that will have Sartre rolling in his grave- if it weren’t for that pipe he keeps getting stuck on… not to mention that helluva lazy eye. How did that man have such mad game with the ladies- especially with lines like “hell is other people?” I mean, “the booze tab is other people’s” would have swung my vote. But I digress….

As a parent of two children and the owner of two unwieldy jack russells, I have found moments every day to contemplate my new method of reasoning (one that has, unbeknownst to me, fueled my responsible lying movement from the very beginning). While showering, driving aimlessly around the block, and yes, hiding in the pantry, I have carved out the time to mull this over à la Kierkegaard- albeit with a lot less churchin’, and yet ironically, a bit more “spirits,” as it were.

What am I talking about? Positive negativism! Just drink it in, people. Herein lies the answer to approaching life in this fast paced, morally relativist, victimhood-obsessed world we inhabit. Positive negativism celebrates that nothing is fair, everything sucks, and that more importantly, your children are decidedly not college material. But fear not, there is a silver lining: serendipity! That nickle you found on the ground? After a good thousand of those, you’re on your way to the bar! That “C-” your kid brought home in math? A few more lucky hits like that and he’ll be outta that “D” slump in no time! And no, I’m not advocating that crazy “all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds” nonsense. And certainly not that banal “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” That would be plagiarism! If life gives you lemons, you’ll have to suck hard- but reach for the tequila bottle and pray you didn’t polish it off the last time your college roommate was in town.

The heart of positive negativism is pretty simple- whatever comes your way, just deal with it! It can’t get any worse, can it? Of course it can, fool! But at some point you have to hit rock bottom, right? So chill out, everyone. 2018 is going to be a great year once you strap on your big girl adult diapers and stop watching the news.

Ah, summer! Pool time, board games, leisurely walks and family meals. It’s all part of our wondrous academic calendar that allows us to slowly tease the pleasure out of each day, one by one, during the hottest season.

But nothing is as wonderful as eating around the table with your children. Oh, to break bread with the fruit of your loin! The bickering, the dissatisfaction with the chef-parent, the utter senselessness of trying to converse with people who don’t even listen to NPR… yes, the endlessness of that doggone meal!

Not to mention the withering stare from your vegetarian child as you enjoy a wee bit of meat. A look so direct that it would shame an expert surveyor, as she delineates the area of shame beginning at my mouth, back to the plate with its victim-burger, and then to the blasted marsupial pouch I can’t seem to unload.

“Nice cow lunch, Mom.”

My son looks startled all of a sudden. “Wait, burgers do come from cows? Mom, you said that burgers were like tofu or something!”

“Hey, settle down. I must have misunderstood your question…. And you, remember! You have chosen not to eat meat. That is your choice. Our choice is to be omnivores. So, cool it with the mean looks.”

“Right. Your choice, my choice but who cared about the COW’s choice, Mom?”

“Maybe it was a volunteer? OK, listen, it’s not my fault most animals are cute and delicious!”

“There is no excuse in today’s society to continue harming animals just because humans are greedy pigs, Mom! Why do you eat the poor things?! How do you explain yourself?!”

I use an extended pause for effect. “Funny how you use ‘pig’ as an insult… and I love your leather bracelet.”

She delivers an epic eye roll, averts her gaze entirely, and adopts the ‘I’m going to ignore you for the rest of the day” stance. Success!

All right, so the lie about the cow meat ferreted its way out into the light, making me look like an idiot. I was only trying to allow my son to enjoy his food guilt-free. Good intentions all the way! But when confronted by a kid who wants answers- especially incriminating ones- what to do? Well, as a card carrying member of the Spanish-speaking tribe, I say “no way, José!” Build that wall around the truth- it’s all the rage!

Yep. The day finally has come. The one that tests your resolve and questions your life’s work as a parent. Will you pass or fail? Will you be fired? If only! Parenting is forever, people. No Trump here to relieve you of your duties- although he may often make you relieve yourself….

No- I’m talking about middle school sex ed. That course that “introduces” concepts that your sweet child should be spared until absolutely necessary. Perhaps the wedding aisle, as I have suggested in a previous post? Oh, back off, haters!

So, in a show of supreme courage and aplomb- which took me a few weeks to drum up- I approached my daughter about what she had learned. It went something like this….

“So, ah, sex ed, huh?”

“As if you could handle it, Mom!”

“Easy there. Give me some credit. After all, I am willing to talk about it.”

“It was forever ago- and why do you look like you’re about to cry? I don’t see what you are so upset about. You got to get in vitro and never had to do It.”

“Hmm. Too true, too true. Well, I’m not actually interested in details. I’m just curious how everyone handled it. That poor nurse who had to teach it to you girls! Egads!”

“Forget the nurse! She’s fine but the rest of us are scarred for life! Oh, Mommy, there was so much screaming! Everyone was freaking out! But there was one really savage girl who was so brave she only flinched repeatedly without ever uttering a sound.”

“Wow- sounds like she was seizing. Are you aware of her medical history?”

“No, Mom! Ew! Now you are freaking me out. I mean, do you want the nurse to call you or email you her PowerPoint slides? I gotta get out of this conversation!”

“Aw, no thanks. I’m good. Glad we had The Talk.”

“Yeah. It was awesome. Let’s never do this again!” And off she stomped.

As I wiped away a tear, I knew I had done good. Granted, she is unpolished, but her desire to avoid the truth, her natural instinct to spare me the horrid news, and her refusal to fully engage me despite my entreaties, filled me with pride. She will make a fine parent someday. The best gift I could ever receive on Mother’s Day!

So, to all you mothahs out there- have a happy, happy Hallmark holiday! And keep up the lying!

Yes, I have spent a lot of time encouraging us to lie responsibly to spare our children the many ugly truths out there. And yet, I have not broached the topic of when they lie to us… and it’s never to protect poor maw and paw! They’re out to save their own hides- every time. And my demi-Hellenic children seem to be particularly crafty. Such weavers of tales, they are truly descendants of the likes of Homer and Euripides!

Of course, some lyin’ in the old apple is likely the tree’s fault… but you cannot allow your kids to pull the wool over your eyes. A ten year old who can successfully bamboozle his parents today, will at fifteen be cruising around in a Trojan horse while you sit there smiling like an idiot, thinking the Greeks should start an online gift registry.

So, take this innocent little fib one of my children tried to pull on me.

“Hey- what does homework look like for you tonight?”

“Oh… homework?” His hesitation is a dead give away. The game is afoot.

“Yeah- you know, that exciting ritual we participate in every weeknight as a family? Lots of screaming and tears involved-sometimes some learning?”

“Right, right! Weird. Don’t have any.” He shrugs innocently and continues to rub his thumbs all over his damnable smart machine, avoiding eye contact.

“Huh. That’s weird because Mrs. Harpy always assigns homework. The woman is relentless! Ruins most happy hours around this place….”

“Mom, you know her name is ‘Harper!’ Sheesh!”

“Sure, whatever you say. So let’s see that assignment pad.”

“That won’t help because I have already completed everything that’s on the list.”

“Show it to me anyway, along with the ‘completed’ homework as evidence.” He shifts uncomfortably.

“Oh, thaaat homework! Yeah, I’ll get it out. I haven’t finished it yet.”

He hadn’t finished it yet.

You have to kick the Trojan horse’s tires a bit to see if it’s hollow. Last thing you want is a houseful of Greeks. And I oughta know. My house is chock full o’nuts!

Never is the desire to pop the Noël bubble stronger than at 3:32 a.m., when you awaken in a cold sweat because you have once again forgotten to move the bloody Xmas elf that your sweet son depends upon for his childhood’s survival. Apparently, nothing is more devastating than waking up to that slovenly creature sitting in the same spot, unmoved, and unwilling to show signs of life.

My friends, it may seem like a quaint idea, but in truth, the elf turns December into a daily cat and mouse game in which your child runs down the stairs to see what new, inventive position the damnable homunculus will present… while you sweat it out at the top of the stairs hoping your spouse moved the slippery sprite because you sure as hell didn’t! Will he be dangling from the chandelier in a jaunty stance? Maybe the little coquette is peeking out from between the Christmas tree branches? Oh, no, wait, he’s in the same flippin’ place as yesterday! What was once cute and amusing a mere 24 hours before, now only serves to disappoint the expectant pixie-acolyte.

“Why didn’t he move, Mommy?”

“Because he’s a lazy, vindictive SOB, kid.” OK, I have never said that, but I’ve wanted to.

“Mommy isn’t sure.” One remembers the drunken Saturday night haze with some level of remorse. “Sometimes they are so tired from watching and reporting back telepathically to Santa that they lose the strength to move. Plus he loves watching you at that angle, where he can see you all stretched out in your pajamas. I guess?” Gotta dial back the perv.

“Oh, well I love him watching me, too!” The mind reels- hopefully not a sign of things to come. “But if he doesn’t move again, do you think it means he’s lost his magic?”

“Impossible with your level of belief in him! I mean our level of belief, ours!”

“OK, I just hope no one has touched him. One wrong touch and it instantly makes him lose his magic.” Yeah, I’ve had dates like that. I get it, Elfie.

Listen, I’m a Santa-and-all-things-enchanted advocate, but let me tell, you, that freakin’ elf blows. He’s a high maintenance, all-take-and-no give sort of guy. Avoid him like the plague! Of course, if your kid asks for one, it’s tantamount to throwing down the gauntlet. Plainly put: you’re screwed. Off to the impromptu Christmas store set up in your local strip mall sometime in August to make sure you were good and sick and tired of the holidays by mid September.

Yes, it’s truly exhausting to come up with daily never-before-seen places and stances for this poorly articulated imp. But we do it for the children! We do it for love! It adds to the mystery that is Christmas- or so I keep telling myself. Anywho, I’m so well-versed at this point that I am currently writing a “kama sutra for dummies” on elf positions. Relax, people, it’s clean!

I know from my fan correspondence that there is some cockamamie concern that lying to your child will lead them to lie as well. My first response is “duh- don’t get caught.” Here is the good news: children have faith in their parents- they believe in us blindly! So, how hard is it to exploit that? Come on, now! In matters of faith, truth is irrelevant. Hell, it can be downright dangerous! Adult up, stick to your guns and outsmart your children.

Anyway, lying can be a vague concept. In the case of lying to our children to protect them from the unsavory, it’s more like a postponement of the truth. By the time your children figure out what sex is, for example, they will be too horrified to talk to you about it. And the potential element of pity is worth capitalizing upon- poor mom and dad! They could have been spared the cost of in vitro if they had only known about s-e-x! And it does explain mommy’s divorce from her first husband….

But seriously, you can deflect your way out of any potentially incriminating conversation. Take the example below where I was able to slither easily out of a perilous exchange. I was in the midst of my first encounter with a new doctor and he was reviewing my health history.

“So, Elsa, do we drink too much?

“I don’t know doctor. I mean, I just met you- do you?”

“I meant you.”

“Ah! You had me worried there. I don’t do well with stranger’s confessions. I’m still reeling from having to read St. Augustine in grad school- quite the windbag.”

“Right… so- do you drink too much?”

“I don’t think so.”

“I see. A good gauge is if people around you think you drink too much.”

“Wow- I would never hang around those kind of people!”

“OK, my point is, do you have one drink per day? Two? A dozen?”

“Sure! But wait- what kind of glass am I using in this scenario? Are we talking a full up red wine glass or those puny little sherry glasses? Because that could entirely alter my response.”

“You know, let’s skip this and go straight to your family history.”

“Really? Because I thought this was going quite well.”

“Nope.”

See? You can squelch anyone’s attempt to worm any sort of supposed “truth” out of you. For God’s sake, if I can deflect a highly educated adult who’s made it through med school, plus a strenuous, never-ending residency, surely we can pull the wool over our children’s eyes with ease!

Also, we eventually want them to learn to lie to our grandchildren. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to end a fun weekend at Gam-gams with an overexposed six year old grandchild wildly describing the birds and the bees, while I’m spooning out Metamucil realizing that the most exciting movement in my life is now intricately associated with my bowel. I don’t think so!

Allow me to get realpolitik on you here: I hate talking politics. That being said, I really hate talking politics- even with like-minded friends! What could possibly be worse than having a disagreeable conversation with an adult? Having said discussion with a child. Let us adults please assert ourselves, and stop allowing the silent majority to make family meals into their own, private rubber chicken circuit.

Ah, the child with a political opinion is akin to a chimpanzee with a cigarette.* Sure it’s kinda funny at first, but you just wait till that chimpanzee gets out of its depth with that tabackey and starts flinging excrement in a fit of nicotine-induced rage, and I tell you what! Cute turns ugly right quick.

Nothing is more horrible than having to engage a child, who is not even aware of our tangled electoral college , blithering on and on about wall-building and leaked emails. Those earnest wide-eyed ten year olds cannot put the “pun” in pundit for love nor money. So, parents, please do not instruct your children in your cockamamie political ideas! I don’t want to hear them from you, and especially not from your poorly informed, amygdala-happy spawn. I had my kids convinced that if Trump won, we would have to climb over walls just to access our favorite Mexican restaurants. People that gullible have no business discussing politics. Mercifully they cannot vote!

So, tonight, as the debate between Hilarity and Rump rages, keep your kids far from the idiot box. Let them dream of sugarplums and baby bunnies, and not Benghazi and rampant misogyny . There is no bleeding heart that will tolerate some child on the bully pulpit tomorrow filibustering the hell out of their morning.

I, for one, plan to avoid anyone under the age of 16 tomorrow to lower my chances of being trapped by some lunatic ‘tween on a whistle stop tour. If I don’t, I may have to go all ad hominem on someone’s @$$….

Ah, yes. Why do mommy and daddy fight? Why do birds fly south in the winter and why does spring cover the leaves with trees? Marital feuding is not only natural, it’s a good example for children on how to deal with disagreements in a way that is respectful and dignified- or at least learn some good, solid passive-aggressive strategies. But really, this notion of getting divorced once you have children is nonsense. After procreating, you will never get rid of your spouse- never, ever, ever. So, you might as well spare yourselves the expense and suck it up, stay married, and indulge in the occasional spousal homicide daydream- hey, it’s free and extremely satisfying! Anyway, who gets married for happiness? Amateurs!

As you can see, I am a very old-fashioned gal. Plus, I do not want to be a two-time loser! So now that I have already been conveniently divorced, I no longer believe in divorce. See how that works? Frankly, there are two main reasons I would never get divorced… again. Nope, make that three: 1) my children, 2) my body, and 3) my body. It has taken me almost twenty years to train my husband to accept its many flaws (after the bait and switch routine of getting together when I was thin and in shape). I’m too embarrassed to put this thing back on the market and frankly, it wouldn’t sell. I don’t suppose I could give it away, come to think of it.

So, when having a heated discussion with your spouse, remember to repeatedly state
positive mantras like “OK, you know I love you…” to be followed by the real point, “but you really have to curb your mother!” Never use hateful language, and it is a good idea to come up with code language, or a “safe” word, during an argument that will alert your spouse that this tragic, marital mutation of foreplay has gone too far. If you need to swear in exasperation, perhaps go for a made-up cuss word that both satisfies, like “geegernbuggle,” and also sends a message that you are at your wit’s end. Nothing brings more pleasure than a fricative, by the by, and German is full of silly fricatives. A well timed “Fahrvergnügen fliegen scheisse!” goes a long way. Just never, ever leave your kids thinking that they need to fear for the union of the core family. They can rest assured that their parents are shackled together in matrimony no matter how much they hate each other! Hopefully you will find the exchange below edifying.

“Have you seen my car keys, honey?”

“Not after I found them for you last week, nope.”

“Thanks for the sarcasm, but I am already late for a meeting and need all the help I can get, sweetie.”

“But I’m in the bathroom. And I hate it when you talk to me while I’m in the durn tootin’, flick flocking bathroom. You know that!”

“Little ears, little ears….”

“But you know I love you!”

“Me, too! OK, the kids’re in the kitchen now. So… any thoughts on those keys?”

That conversation, albeit tinged with bitterness and resentment, is pretty tame. Bottom line, you must always be aware of your children’s whereabouts, particularly when involved in a confrontation. Yes, the fact that my husband has lost pretty much everything he has ever owned at least once, including one of our children at a museum, does drive me to distraction. And it is true that there is no activity more violating than the interruption of one’s bathroom time. Nonetheless, we must retain our dignity even when we lose our shnorfinkle cool a bit.

OK, I know what you’re thinking. Is the title of this post the internal monologue of last Friday night, after boozing it up all night with your pals, and then your drunken and delusional spouse gives you the telltale threatening wink- or “the white man’s mating call?” No. Not at all. In fact, I am harkening back to the Reagan years when Nancy- who had just said “no” to the offer of yet another meal- was encouraging us young folk to “Stop the Madness” and not engage in drug use. A worthy pursuit!

Now, the prevailing opinion on steering children away from drugs is to talk with them openly and frankly about the dangers and risks of narcotics. Not on this blog, you don’t! Sure, it sounds like a good plan, but at some point they will catch wind of the claim that wine is a drug! I mean, come on now, some of my best friends are wine! You do not want to end up sounding like a horrible hypocrite and propel your children toward revenge drugs!

So, avoid an actual talk altogether. Instead, you would be wise to pepper commentary with words such as “damned narcotics at it again” or “shouldn’t have done drugs” or when watching a halftime show “can’t imagine hallucinogens weren’t involved in that wardrobe malfunction!” You can get some major anti-drug traction by chucking out any of those phrases while passing a homeless person, a Justin Bieber poster or someone in yoga pants. Above all, never let them hear the pairing of “drugs and alcohol.” That’ll put the kibosh on your weekends right quick!

So, on this festive day when we celebrate this great nation, let us go forth with our liquid bread and fermented grape and commune with family and friends- which does include Uber drivers- and remind our children that the Founding Fathers would never, ever have accomplished so much had they smoked the marijuana cigarette or gone for the kibbles and bits. And, no, meth did not create Washington’s need for wooden teeth. Show some respect!