Chicago Ted is the greatest man to ever live. Long ago, in the Himalayas, the abominable snow man mated with a dragon. Their offspring then mated with Mount Everest, resulting in quite an odd creature, but oh... was it powerful. This creature then mated with a woman in the year 1970. After three years of pregnancy, the woman gave birth to a boy with a name unpronounceable by the human tongue in Chicago. As soon as it first opened it's eyes, the United States had a stock market crash. (See 1973 Stock Market Crash.) He weighed 28 pounds. It was pure muscle.

When the zombie outbreak occurred, he battled the zombies by hand from Chicago to Pennsylvania, where he ascended a steel mill and created a steel coffin.., for himself. He then buried himself 68 feet underground, while inside the coffin, out of sheer will. He awaits there to this day, for when the dead walk the Earth again, so will Chicago Ted.

"The Witch cries because she knows Chicago Ted is coming."

"I saw Chicago Ted piss out a forest fire, and then kill the survivors... kind of a jerk if you ask... OH SHI--- *bones breaking.*"

"Chicago Ted came into my store, and took everything he wanted. He then murdered my first born son. Later on, it turned out that these exact actions saved the planet. I don't know how, but I trust him."

"Chicago Ted looked exactly like I pictured him, Tall, Dark, Masculine, and Naked. He had a bottle of expensive whiskey in one hand, a cigar in another, and he was having sex with my cousin, while interrogating a suspected terrorist."

"I watched him crawl out of the plane wreckage and he grabbed me by my arm and pulled me out of the wreckage, gave me a bottle of Everclear, and a pipe bomb and said, 'It's every man for himself, kid.' He then shot the bottle, igniting both me and the pipe bomb. I survive today because he says I can."