April 26, 2015

8:00pm: They're doing a sketch about Ellen DeGeneres and Matt Lauer, which mostly seems about how they definitely will not show up for this thing. I mean it's for charity! That's the nicer thing. "Charity," unspecified.

8:03pm: Tyra's hosting, it's real! This is the first time she's ever hosted an awards show, and is nervous about her lack-of-weave. In her childhood, they watched GH and Y&R. Tyra is basically overdramatically wonderful. She is rapping. Should she rap? I don't know about that.

8:08pm: Steve Harvey is presenting, and requests that the producers stop filming the losers' faces.

8:09pm: Outstanding Actress! Finola, Elizabeth, Linsey, Amelia, and Lisa. Even Finola Hughes's clip made made me weepy. But, she did not win. Amelia Heinle won. She's insanely pretty. But she is not Finola Hughes. I feel crazy right now.

8:13pm: Something about a game show? At least everyone seems awake. Outstanding Entertainment News Program! Entertainment Tonight wins. I outright did not know this was still a thing, but I do not claim to be on the cutting edge.

Who's here? Is anyone actually watching? Are you drinking to get through, or just suffering alone in some more healthy manner?

8:16pm: Fan favorite award! Favorite talk show... audience? I don't even understand this award. I voted, but I don't remember being asked about an audience. Can we get Serial Drama readers an award now? If this is how things are working now, I'd like that very much.

8:20pm: The hostesses of The Talk are presenting, and mostly Aisha Tyler is really, really, really, really tall. And they're joking about audiences. Because they're about to give an audience award, and I'm still confused. Did they trick me into voting in this category? Sara Gilbert is staring to look almost exactly like her wife. But, Craig Ferguson wins. I still don't understand the category, but my dog has farted in protest.

THERE IS BETTY WHITE. So no matter what anyone says, this show is the most important thing on television right now. Because Betty White is there.

8:25pm: Kirsten Storms and Ryan Paevy present Outstanding Morning Program. CBS Sunday Morning wins, because it is a thing on the air. Some old white men accept the award and speak awkwardly into the microphone.

8:26pm: They show clips from the Best Bitch Slap nominees. I actually saw none of these when they happened, so this is a bit of a delight. (Brooke looks like she deserved it?) Oh hey! B&B won for Quinn slapping drunk Brooke!

8:30pm: Tyra is wearing very little, and now my dog is literally just standing in front of me, staring. She must be baffled as to why I'd be watching this. They're doing a video package of some fifth grade teacher. (I see some comments are coming in. soapbaby is with us!) Anyway the teacher is there and is crying and looks so beautiful and I love it!

8:34pm: They've already cut show clips for Outstanding Supporting Actor. That was fast! Chad Duell wins for General HospitalI! Good for him. Who can help but get behind him in Michael's new Sonny-hating mode? Truthfully, he's very good but this past year has given him a more generous showcase than the past sad-sack material. He thanks Ron Carlivati, Frank Valentini, Kristen Alderson, and God. Twice. Oh, Jesus made the cut, too.

8:36pm: Someone is singing "What I Did For Love" and they're doing a montage of actual soap scenes. ACTUAL SCENES. You guys. Among a hundred other things, they did the "Sonny sees Brenda outside the church in the rain alive" scene. And I actually really like this. No snark, y'all. None at all. Though I would still rather see nominees' clips.

8:40pm: Mario Lopez is presenting Outstanding Morning Program: Spanish Language. Una... nope, sorry, I did not understand the title of the winner. But AC Slater presented, so all is well! The dimples are all happening. My dog keeps shoving her face into my keyboard.

Glamorous life of a soap blogger: my dog has just pooped on the floor.

8:45pm: BETTY WHITE IS GETTING AN AWARD, EVERYONE SHOW RESPECT.

Those track suits do not bedazzle themselves, you guys.

Charo and Regis and Fred Willard and Marie Osmond are on hand to introduce her. Y'all. Betty White. Betty White. What is there to snark about? She is human perfection. Shut up. I'm not crying, your face is crying!

Okay, I'm crying. The tribute was a bit odd, though. Nothing from the past 35 years?? Aww, Fred Willard is acknowledging her time on B&B and her fantastic work in animal rights. And Charo says Betty is the one who "put the coochee in the coochee coochee coochee."

So Betty White, the world's most wonderful human, accepts her Lifetime Achievement Award. She loves the award, but she's not quite as hot for it as she was for the anatomically-correct SAG dude. Well, what's to say? Nobody can make fun of Betty.

Oh, O42 has joined us in the comments, hooray! Who else is playing along?

As a New Yorker, I do have to remind you that the Subway Series is happening right now, so this is totally unfair in every way. Currently: Yankees 3, Mets 2.

8:59pm: Tyra introduces Miss J, and Tyra is wearing a one-shouldered onesie of some sort. B&B recently had its 7000th episode, so they're there to celebrate. Jacob Young, Karla Moseley, and Linsey Godfrey (on no crutches!) are there to be adorable. Godfrey gets a bit choked up. She's so cute.

9:01pm Outstanding Younger Actor goes to Freddie Smith, who plays Sonny on Days. Aww, I like him and all the people crying for him!

9:08pm: I confess I got distracted and I have no idea what these people are introducing. Oh! Outstanding "Informative" Talk Show goes to Steve Harvey. I wrote a play about a dating expert and I read Think Like A Man, so.... that is my context. I do not recommend his dating advice if you were born after 1900. If you were born before that, you are freaking awesome.

9:12pm: Outstanding Entertainment Talk Show Host goes to Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, who are not there. I have just poured my first glass of wine.

9:13pm: Fan Favorite for wedding disasters. Not going to lie, I voted for Franco's "hell no," but I foolishly had not yet seen Ridge fall out of a helicopter.

What do you guys think of this Queens of Drama show?

9:17pm: Okay, so the cast of that show is there. WHY IS CRYSTAL HUNT INVOLVED?? Can I get a "what the....???" from my OLTL people?

Anyway, Outstanding Directing Team goes to The Bold and the Beautiful. I mean, sure! If Ridge is getting pushed out of a helicopter, we care about your mise-en-scène.

I feel like I missed the Matt Lauer joke. Who caught why they're doing this?

9:21pm: Alan Thicke, for some reason, presents the writing award, which goes to The Bold and the Beautiful. Um. Okee doke? I know it's sort of my job to be meanest to the writers, but I'm a writer and sometimes it's....well, you get it. But still. B&B?

9:24pm: Outstanding Game Show goes to upstart Jeopardy! Who'd have guessed? I'm so proud of them. They really are the Little Game Show That Could.

I see commenter C is in the house! (Can we talk about Kyle and Fish now???) (Y'all know I remember your particulars if you're regulars here!)

Okay, seriously. How did I miss the Matt Lauer thing??

Oh, thanks, soapbaby! "Charity!"

9:28pm: Outstanding "Informative" Talk Show Host goes to the hosts of The Chew. Hrmph. Still bitter!

I am now thinking maybe I got out of the late-night dog walk since she pooped on the floor? (Alas, life does not work that way.)

9:32pm: Outstanding Culinary Program goes to Barefoot Contessa. My day job has a legal relationship with her. THAT IS ALL I KNOW.

Come back here tonight to play along while we all sit on the edge of our seats to find out if this year's ceremony will be laughable, extremely laughable, or too embarrassing to feel comfortable laughing at.

But there's one thing we know we can count on with Tyra Banks hosting: there will be smize-ing.

June 22, 2014

The biggest television night of the year is here! Okay. The most important television broadcast is... oh hell, I don't know. They're having a small party and handing out some statues and streaming it online and calling it the Daytime Emmys. I have volunteered to take the hit and subject myself to it so you don't have to, or so you'll watch knowing at least one other human is out there dealing with it. "Extravaganza" can be interpreted as ironically as you please.

Sadly, Mallory will have to sit this year out but I'm sure she'll be somewhere feeling really jealous of the rest of us gluttons for punishment. And as some of you know, I haven't been watching any of the daytime soaps this year but since these awards are for the 2013 season, I'll actually sort of know what's going on. Well, 5% of the time since the rest will presumably be about talk shows and children's television.

So come join me back here at 8pm Eastern time tonight and we'll go through this together!

This time I'm just doing it the old-fashioned way, so you'll have to keep refreshing the screen to get the new comments (instead of the rolling live feed we've sometimes had).

6:18pm Hey y'all! So the red carpet is already streaming so it'll be slow-going at this point because I'm not all that interested in this part. But I'll check in from time to time between now and the main event, so if you're watching, start sounding off in the comments below!

What fresh hell is this? Who are these ladies doing the red carpet interviews? The very first thing I saw was them telling an actor he needed to get away or else they were going to RAPE HIM. No, they really said that. It's out there in the world. So I see we're setting the tone for the night: classy!

I missed the beginning. Did they say anything about who these "professional reporters" are? Is this part of a test run for an unpaid internship, I hope?

6:31pm They want to nominate Heather Tom's boobies for an award. Because classy.

Kim Matula just used more gestures in answering four questions on the red carpet than she has in her entire tenure as Hope Logan on B&B. I'm just saying.

Kristen Alderson's dress is radioactive. My eyes hurt!

That photo doesn't really do the blinding-ness justice. But it's bright, is my point.

6:43pm So basically the gist is that these women are going to tell everyone how thin they look and how amazing that is. Feminism is alive and well, people. I feel like I'm at a bad sorority party. I don't mind that they're crass potty-mouths (in fact, that's my default state) but not when it's so utterly vapid and insincere. I half expect them to start greeting grown women with, "Hey slut, oh god, I hate you, look how hot that dress is, bitch! I die."

6:51pm Well, they basically had no idea who Jason Thompson is. Only one of the best actors in daytime by a country mile, but they just filled a few seconds with random blathering that had nothing to do with him.

My feed just died. Temporarily? I don't know. But I'm not complaining.

7:00pm Zack Conroy remains adorable. B&B viewers, do they still give him absolutely nothing to do these days?

I got restless during some buffering.

This broadcast had devolved my sense of humor into that of a four-year-old.

April 28, 2013

Oh wait, I shouldn't watch. Here's a poll that I developed after combing the internet and finding the most popular reasons that people are not going to watch the revived All My Children and One Life to Live and I think you'll all agree that this is how we should live and think and we should totally not watch. Vote now on why you absolutely will not watch! Check your pick!

_ I refuse to pay to watch soaps, even though you absolutely can watch them for free.

_ I watched a 118-second promo video and I can already tell that THEY HATE THE FANS AND DON'T CARE ABOUT THE VETS!

_ I base all my viewing decisions on routine entertainment litigation and obviously Prospect Park is a super-evil production company and the first to ever sue a television network and therefore it is my moral obligation to refuse to watch a show that, actually, earns ABC money if I watch it.

_ Prospect Park told us we'd keep AMC and OLTL online and it would happen in January of 2012 and it didn't happen because they couldn't put the money together and that is just wrong and they are mean and cannot be trusted so I will not watch the shows that they literally brought back from the dead later than they had hoped.

_ Serial drama is just dead, forget it. The proof is in the pudding, which is something like 400 serial dramas currently on TV.

_ There are only four episodes a week. SACRILEGE. I'd rather have no soaps than a 20% reduction in story content!

_ I am sub-human and I do not like David Canary or Erika Slezak because, really, who would?

_ I do not have the internet, despite the fact that I am currently on the internet reading this dumb poll.

_ My favorite couple is not together, so obviously everyone hates me AND WANTS TO RUIN THE GENRE.

November 23, 2011

I feel like today's post should be a sympathy card. There was some cruel television twist of fate that aired today's episode on the same day as today's announcement.

And do not say I didn't warn you. If you haven't seen today's episode of One Life to Live, stop reading. You don't want to read this before you watch this. Trust me.

Let me just get right down to it if I can make it through without sobbing so hard over my keyboard that I get electrocuted. Matthew narrated today's episode.

"Is there anybody else like Roxy? She's the bomb."

Nora actually expressed concern for the mayor and how what can seem like a spirited hit in a minor physical skirmish can have unintended long-term damage even if the person seems fine. Kind of the way it happened to Matthew.

Clint and Shane had another heart-to-heart and this show is trying its damndest to melt me into the floor. So, Clint's speech to Shane...

Clint: I just did not do right by you and your dad, and I regret that more than you will ever know. Rex is my son, you're my grandson, and me? I'm the fool that waited too long to count his blessings, but you and your father are gifts in my life that I just don't deserve. But I'm going to try and do better. And I'm going to try to be worthy of you, your dad, and (puts his hand over his heart) this wonderful heart that once belonged to your mom. I know I got a heck of a long way to go, so I'm asking you for your patience.

And I don't know why Ford needed to be present for Natalie's apology to Jessica but speaking of that apology, everyone is still showing compassion for Brody for his actions, assuming that he'd snapped rather than assuming he's evil. And Jessica looked truly crestfallen to learn that Brody was back in St. Anne's, back where it all began for the two of them. Three years ago on Thanksgiving. And then Jessica went to visit him in St. Anne's and got the crazy patient to stop taunting Brody! And he asked after Liam and after Nigel and I was thinking about OLTL Thanksgivings past and so grateful for this one because it wasn't the last one.

And they had this lovely exchange...

Jessica: Brody, you didn't lose one child, you lost two. (Three, in a way. --Ed.) First Ryder, then Liam, and that would drive even the strongest person over the edge.

Brody: You don't have to do this.

Jessica: Hey. Hey. Look at me. You have been my rock for so long. Whenever I felt like I was floating away, you were always there to bring me back down to the ground. You were a good man and you still are.

Brody: How can you say that?

Jessica: Because it's the truth. You are smart and strong and kind, and you're going to get through this.

Oh, and just in case we weren't already choked up at that point (Brody and Jessica 4EVAH!), we then cut to Clint telling Nigel that after what he did for the family, he has to stay for Thanksgiving and they should be serving him and then Natalie held Liam up and did a fake voice for him begging Nigel to stay. So cute!

February 08, 2007

More from the best selling book So You Want To Ruin Your Soap: A Guide To Alienating Viewers and Courting Cancellation! Here's chapter seven, "So You Want To Make The Whole Show About One Character: Part I", by Megan McTavish.

1. NO ONE CAN RESIST A CHARACTER WITH AN ADORABLE NAME, NO MATTER HOW HORRID THEY AREThe easiest way to whitewash the bad actions of a character, from murder to espionage to wearing white after Labor Day is to make sure they have the world's sweetest name. This means that anytime someone mentions them, they are using a term of endearment! It's also a signal to the audience (who, let's face it, is quite often a little slow) that they should like this character and get used to seeing him/her/Zarf onscreen all the time!

My most beloved and successful example of this is the character of Arabella Carey. With a name like that, you'd probably think she was a bitch. But if you call her Babe, you know for sure that she is a good and pure young girl who only does things for love and she's just so sweet and adorable and southern fried that you can't help but love her for the complex girl she is and the wise and strong woman she wants to be.

February 02, 2007

I was recently on a thrift store kick, and found myself distracted by something shiny in the book section. I was shocked to find a completely intriguing and educational* book titled So You Want To Ruin Your Soap: A Guide to Alienating Viewers and Courting Cancellation, written by the good folks at ABC, CBS and NBC Daytime. Once I read it, all of the soap decisions of the past few years have started to become crystal clear, from "So You Want To Make Your Leading Lady Feel Insecure And Horrible" where readers are taught to verbally abuse actresses like Genie Francis about their weight and dress her in hideous muumuus to "So You Want To Make Your Audience Want To Cause Harm to Themselves And Others", which urges soap writers to create aliens who turn out to be the biological children of two core characters.

I will be posting occasional excerpts so that we can all be on the same page! Let's start with "So You Want to Shit All Over History: Part I" by Bob Guza

1. GET RID OF ALL OF THE VETERANSThey served their purpose. They had stories back in the day. But all they do now is remind audiences of the days that the show was actually good. So people like Stuart Damon? Cut 'em loose. What's he going to do, infuse even minor scenes with subtle, talented acting? Make people remember that the Quartermaines were a core family who drove the stories on GH for decades? Please. Who needs that? We have some true acting powerhouses on this show. Uh, does the name Maurice Benard ring any bells? Stuart Damon might have played Prince Charming, but Mo is Prince Charming. KING Charming.