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Its been awhile since DD for me. He had been talking for awhile about how he "loved me but wasn't "in love" with me." When I googled that phrase it came up as a possible affair. When I confronted him he said he had been talking to an old girlfriend but they were "just friends." Of course that was a lie and he continued to lie. I found out about a secret email account which had a twenty month record of their conversations.

One of the conversations matched what he was saying to me. He married me not knowing that he needed an emotional connection. It was all logical. We would be a good match, we would have a peaceful life, we would have a physical relationship, we would have kids blah blah blah but he didn't really have emotional feelings for me. At the same time, I was in love with him and thought he was the greatest guy on earth. He was 30, me 25. You would think that would be old enough to make a good decision. We dated 2 years and knew each other as acquaintances for 5 more.

He told OW that he now knew what love was because he was "in love" with her. He talked of all the wonderful feelings and longings of love. This was an EA so they weren't physical as far as I know. (and I think I am pretty sure about that - they did meet twice but the first time was at her parents home and the second was in a rush while traveling though our area on vacation with her husband.)

Since that time, he has finally stopped contact with her. There was an incident a few months ago when he wanted to write a poem for her mother after her father died. He still insists that it was innocent but he didn't send it after the MC told him not to. (He had convinced her that it was a "sweet gesture" at first by leaving out the part of how the mother knew about the affair and was a go between for gifts to hide it from the OWs husband. AND that he had promised her a poem when her very sick father died.)

He has been going through the motions of reconciling but its so passive. I still feel like I am carrying the relationship and all the pain of what he did.

My IC told me yesterday that it seems like I want him to be as devastated as I am. That if he cannot be that, I cannot let go and trust him again. It sounds mean to feel this way, but I agree with her. He seems to believe that what he did was wrong but he was helpless because I get so emotional and it overwhelms him. He doesn't see himself as a lier. I do. He doesn't see himself as an abandoner. I do. He minimizes his negative behavior and maximizes everything I do. Things such as saying "You abandoned me." He says I should say, "I feel abandoned." I say, you always protect her over me." He says, "You shouldn't say "always" because thats black and white thinking." He just doesn't seem to care about me. Yet he says he does. He acts like the affair is over. But the pain for me isn't. I am supposed to move on and focus on today. Its hard when he is so passive about us even today.

I asked him to move downstairs last April when I began reading his emails to OW. He is making no attempt to move back upstairs though we are in counseling and seem to be moving forward in some ways. I have brought it up (though I haven't said why don't you move upstair again - I feel too vulnerable to do that). He acts like he doesn't really care if we are not together. He likes things the way they are. I don't know if its because he has found it more comfortable to sleep alone, or if he just doesn't want to be with me. We don't have a physical relationship.

I have also brought up what he told OW about not really being "in love" with me when we married. He doesn't deny what he said. It hurts to think that our whole marriage was not a love relationship. No wonder I was so lonely in our marriage. He lived his life and I stood by at his beck and call when he wanted something from me.

If you got this far, thanks for listening. I just blew up at him and I am sure he has no idea where it came from. He is so clueless. I really think that its who he is. He will probably never be devastated about what he did. He just is so easy on himself. Everyone sees him as such a nice, happy-go-lucky guy but I feel that its at my expense.

Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 195 | Registered: Apr 2013

Skan♀ 35812Member # 35812

Posted: 8:07 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013

It sounds to me like he has no intention of stepping up to the plate to truly own what he's done. Like he's content to just live in limbo while you live in hell.

Maybe it's time you shook up his world a bit.

Have you been to a lawyer? Next week would be a good time. Go see what a lawyer has to say about what you're entitled to in case of a separation or divorce. Knowledge is power and you should get yourself education ASAP.

Next, 180 him so you can figure out exactly what you want. And while 180ing him, quit doing ANYTHING for him. He can cook for himself, do his own laundry, clean for himself, run his own errands, buy his own food, etc. Don't lift one finger for him. He wants to pretend that he doesn't have a wife, then let him live out his fantasy realtime. Split up the household chores, make him responsible for the part of the house he lives in, and you don't touch it. Your children are pretty old, but if there is any childcare, etc., needed for your youngest, then split it up with him 50%. That means he can cook for him, clean up after him, supervise homework, whatever. He wants it easy, well FTG. Make it easy for yourself.

Hang in there. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9796 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

Iamacrab40410Member # 40410

Posted: 10:34 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013

My support and thoughts of peace go out to you Learningtofly.
My WH is saying nearly the same things, therefore, I understand much of how you feel.
It's selfish, cruel behavior. I also believe it means there is no remorse for his actions and your pain.
Please work on the 180. It will bring you strength. Aside from that, he deserves to deal with his own life, not allowing you to deal with it all. If you are going to R at some point, you need him to support you, not you support him.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Aug 2013

SerJR♂ 14993Member # 14993

Posted: 8:02 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013

He seems to believe that what he did was wrong but he was helpless because I get so emotional and it overwhelms him. He doesn't see himself as a lier. I do. He doesn't see himself as an abandoner. I do. He minimizes his negative behavior and maximizes everything I do. Things such as saying "You abandoned me." He says I should say, "I feel abandoned." I say, you always protect her over me." He says, "You shouldn't say "always" because thats black and white thinking." He just doesn't seem to care about me. Yet he says he does. He acts like the affair is over. But the pain for me isn't. I am supposed to move on and focus on today. Its hard when he is so passive about us even today.

Wow... what a dick.
He is blaming you for his behaviour and is then blaming you for feeling upset. He is playing semantic tricks to minimise your pain and hurt and make it unimportant.
I am sorry, but you cannot reconcile and rebuild upon such a weak foundation. He has not taken ownership for his choices, nor has he expressed remorse and attempted to make amends.
If you allow him to treat you this way, he will continue to steamroll over you emotionally.
He doesn't get it, because he doesn't want to get it.
I agree that the 180 is just the medicine the doctor ordered. Don't put the focus on trying to appease him - put the focus on rebuilding your self esteem and empowerment. Make it clear that you are moving on with your life and that it is up to him, and him alone, as to whether he wants to join you.

(((Learningtofly)))

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 18191 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South

NeverAgain2013♀ 38121Member # 38121

Posted: 1:11 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013

You're bending yourself into a pretzel to try to make this reconciliation successful - and you're doing it alone.

You know, sometimes you just need to know when to fold your hand and walk away from the table.

This is so clearly one of those times.

I hate to be cliche, but when a man tells you something you don't want to hear - believe him. He's told you numerous times he's not emotionally invested in you and claims he wasn't in love with you when he married you. You've been dealt a very shitty hand and certainly don't deserve it, but all the marriage counseling in the world isn't going to change how he feels. I feel badly that you're bending over backwards to breathe life into a marriage he obviously has zero interest in reviving.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.