The Genius of Glenn Beck

Today I had an epiphany: Glenn Beck is the L. Ron Hubbard of politics.

He doesn’t believe a word he says but he knows that if he offers people a good story, a few celebrities, and something to spend their money on, they’re his.

I came upon this realization while walking on the Mall after the “I-couldn’t-disrespect-Dr.-King-more-if-I-tried” “rally” today. As I wove my way through overweight white people in Ready to Wear by NRA, t-shirts announcing the presence of the “Tyranny Response Team” and more “Restoring Honor” merchandise than Sarah Palin’s made up words, it hit me. “Jesus,” I thought, “How much money is he making on this thing?”

When you think about it, it can’t be that difficult to make millions off of people who are too stupid to Google the definition of socialism and will buy shady gold just because someone told them to on Faux News. Anyone can fleece these people. What makes Glenn Beck special is that he actually is. With seemingly no remorse. I mean, I can take candy from a baby any time I want to, but that doesn’t mean I’m walking around nurseries snatching Blow Pops.

And yet, here he is, holding giant fake rallies, selling embarrassingly badly written books, and crying on the set of his fake university. He is purposefully and negligently misleading a lot of scared, lost, uneducated people at a time when their world is changing faster than they can keep up and what they really need is someone to teach them how to use a computer, teach their children to speak Chinese and teach them that, yes, in 2050 whites will no longer be the majority but it’s okay, we’ll only lynch some of you. The rest we’ll use for slave labor.

Just kidding.

Sort of.

Instead, they get Dennis the Menace through the eyes of Mr. Wilson, scaring the shit out of them and using every tired, played out, unoriginal stereotype to do it, just so they’ll buy overpriced nonsense t-shirts and provide Beck with the very life he’s so busy denouncing. The life they’ll never have. Nice.

But then again, for white men, that’s what the American dream has always been about. Using the hard work of others to make wildly outrageous fortunes for themselves and then getting those very same “others” so riled up about it that they keep them in power.

You’re totally right. There are definitely deeper ways to think about Glenn Beck and the whole situation, but I find when it comes to GB, kneejerk reactions are about all I can handle before I want to upchuck my high fiber lunch.