Hi there, hello. Say, I know it says ‘Customer Service’ on that sign, but this is where you make returns, right? Oh, good! I was hoping you could help me. I’ve got a bit of a situation, you see.

I was over at my wife’s friend’s place last month for a little holiday get together. You know, just a “stop in, say hi, and go” sort of thing. Anyway, we did a Secret Santa this year and were playing this party game. They put the presents in three chests, and you picked one and got whatever what inside, right? Just a unique way to give gifts, I guess.

The problem is… well, I picked this. You sell these, don’t you? Well, I was wondering if… why, yes! I would like to return them, actually. I’m not sure if they were bought here but… oh no, there’s nothing wrong with them, miss. I’ve only tried them on once and they haven’t been washed. No, it’s the right size and all, it’s just… well… I don’t see myself wearing these on a regular basis.

Why not? Well for one, I’m a grown man in my forties and I don’t wear kitty cat pajamas with booties. Oh, it’s a raccoon? Could’ve fooled me. I can’t imagine why you’d sell these in adult sizes… what’s that? What do you mean they aren’t pajamas? There’s a zipper in the front! Well, I wasn’t aware that these were so popular, but… they’re how much? You’re kidding!

And why are these so expensive? They turn you into a statue? And they float? No, I don’t even remember seeing an instruction manual much less reading one! Uh oh, is that going to be a problem? You can’t take them back without the original packaging either? Aw, jeez. Well, can I just get store credit? Seriously? So you’ll let me exchange it for one exactly like it, but you won’t give me store credit?

They come in other styles, you say? Sure, I’ll take a look I guess. What’s that? A frog? At least the raccoon one has little ears! This one looks like a giant frog is eating you! What else does it come in? Huh. Well, the helmet and shell look nice, but what am I supposed to do with unlimited throwing hammers? Seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

You know, I’m sorry to do this to you, but I think I’ll just hang on to these. I’m not the sort of guy to make a fuss. Guess I’ll just see how much these’ll go for on eBay. Thanks for your time.

Oh, and I don’t usually come to this mall. Can you point me to the “Fire Flower” parking lot?