Because as excited as I was for this, wedding ceremonies always bore me to tears, and I end up doing the exact same thing. They’re always too long, too tedious, and chances are I spent too much time getting ready and not enough time having breakfast, so I just want to get out of there so I can eat and drink as much free wine as possible at the reception.

Best: Did I mention Spike Dudley?

Hee!

Best: The Wedding

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this was not exactly anyone’s favourite part. But you know what? I was into it. Brooke Hogan is still god awful, but look at Bully try to get all emotional. It’s great! At this point it’s not a wrestling wedding, it’s a soap wedding, and soap weddings are the absolute best. It’s so dumb, but it all works beautifully. I can’t believe I’m actually into this, but here we are. I mean, it makes no sense that everyone is dressed up backstage, but no one is actually in attendance other than the audience, and Brooke, never talk ever, but I’ll give it a pass.

This is how it ends, right? This is it? They get married, they have the world’s grossest wedding kiss, and then ride off into the Orlando sunset in James Storm’s freshly painted whip? Yes?

Worst: Tazz

Oh. Of course not. As a rule, I generally don’t want to hear Brooke speak either, but when you tell a bride whose wedding you just interrupted that it isn’t any of her business, you’re just being stupid. God. Tazz. Ugh. I know I gave you a best before, but you are the literal worst.

But okay, whatever: Tazz

I’m not super surprised, or really affected in any way by the revelation that Tazz is a member of Aces & Eights. I mean, it makes sense. Al Snow mysteriously couldn’t make it, and D-Lo had to show up to be the deciding factor in his stead during Gut Check decision time for Wes Brisco, hinting at an Aces & Eights involvement. I like the idea that Tazz has been aiding Aces & Eights by stacking the roster with new Gut Check recruits who also happen to be members of Aces & Eights. He can barely walk down a ramp, let alone wrestle, so it’s a nice conspiratorial link in the chain leading to whomever is in charge (PLEASE NOT JEFF JARRETT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE).

Worst, but I giggled: Aces & Eights

Of course Aces & Eights came out and attacked everyone. I really hope no one was surprised by this. It was pretty bad, but it still made me laugh for a few reasons:

1) Thank goodness the Hulkster has connections at Rent-A-Center, because there’s no way they’re getting their deposit back.

2) Bully, I guess you should have invited Devon, huh.

3) Hogan, in an act of selfless redemption, admonishes Brooke not to worry about him, but to check on Bully Ray. She responds, ever the embodiment of theatrical and dramatic prowess, with the most TNA line ever: “My boobs are out.”

As per usual I won’t get to watch Impact until tonight because of my schedule, so I won’t get to read this write up and comment on the show until then. In the meantime, and before I post my weekly Jebediah Park fan fiction, here are my thoughts on the Genesis PPV:

1) The Hardy vs. Roode vs. Aries match was absolutely awesome. It’s a legit match of the year contender. I know saying it’s the best match of 2013 so far isn’t exactly going out on a limb, but even looking back on 2012 I can’t off the top of my head think of a match I enjoyed more in either WWE or TNA (or RoH or PWG or CHIKARA for that matter). The storytelling was masterful and the execution was spot on. The pacing was perfect and the match flowed really well. There were some nice near falls and the finish was great. Each of the 3 men played their respective part perfectly and the match was exciting and had me on the edge of my seat despite the fact that I knew full well who would win beforehand. It was really fantastic.

2) Gail Kim is terrific. Whatever TNA pays her, they should triple it. Suffice to say, she was great during the gauntlet match.

3) Sting is still capable of having a decent match once in a while, given the right circumstances and opponent. DOC ain’t that opponent. Good golly that was awful.

4) I got a kick out of Matt Morgan constantly berating Joey Ryan during their match. I mean, he was just relentlessly dogging the guy, and it was quite entertaining. It feels weird praising Matt Morgan, but I gotta give him his due when he does something that adds entertainment to the show.

5) My new nickname for Chavo is “Grape Nuts”. The thing with Chavo is that he isn’t terrible in the ring, he’s just bland and boring and exceedingly mediocre. It’s like when you pour a bowl of Grape Nuts, pour milk on it, then scoop up a spoonful and put it in your mouth. It doesn’t make you gag or vomit, but at the same time there’s like a hundred other cereals you’d much rather be eating.

I feel like us here at With Leather are so used to agreeing with the heels that we sometimes forget that the heels are suppose to be the bad guys. Of course, it turned into “lol mexicans” because Aries and Roode are dickheads. That’s the whole point.

It’s like the people who were throwing a fit when Paul Heyman faked that heart attack. He’s suppose to be a deplorable, sub-human piece of shit. That’s his job.

The thing is, they could have made fun of Chavo/Hernandez without bring race into it. Just say Chavo stinks and he’s been riding coattails for 20+ years and Hernandez is somehow riding the miniature coattails Chavo has.

Bingo, Lobby. They had good heat, as it were. They really, really did. After seeing the diatribes posted here and elsewhere about ‘bad things’ that make wrestling worse, The ending of the Roode/Aries promo seemed like they took promo class with Professor Jerry Lawler.

I’ll split the difference… I’m not one hundred percent comfortable with heels using racist taunts but it’s a thousand times better than Mexican America when it was “hey they’re Mexican, let’s booo them!”

Yeah, one thing a lot of Best and Worst readers haven’t picked up on is that wrestling heels should be allowed to do pretty much anything. Racism, sexism, homophobia, pandering, whatever. The idea is that those are the guys who are supposed to be deplorable, and the people who fight/aren’t them are supposed to be “better.” Even if they aren’t perfect, they’re supposed to be morally/ethically/personally preferable to their opponent. Austin worked because Vince was such a scumbag. Modern WWE babyfaces don’t, because they are playing against reasonable, smart, talented people, so it just makes them look like a bunch of dickbabies.

Brandon – True enough, I guess I just ignore the global heel/face dynamic and instead institute my own LobMob heels and faces based on who I like or not. Kaz and Daniels are entertaining, so they are LobMob faces, so they shouldn’t be racist to the LobMob heels of Chavo and Hernandez.

I, Jebediah Leviticus Park, began my trek toward Parts Unknown. I had visited, upon two prior occasions, the home of my forefathers, but that had been many moons ago and my mind was still a bit cloudy on account of all the smoke I done inhaled. Still, I believed I knew which direction to walk and set off toward the eastern end of Wahacheetalle county.

I walked for four days and four nights, nourishing myself on tree bark, sap, and elderberries. It was the scorching hot days of summer and the sun cruelly lashed me with its fiery gaze all unrelenting like. During the dark hours I would try to rest my eyes, but I could nary catch a wink of slumber before I would stir. Twas a difficult journey, why on two occasions I done walked right into a tree, on account of seeing double and picking the wrong tree to aim at. During the fourth night I collapsed in a heap just as I was making my way out of a patch of woods. I tried to raise myself and continue on but, well, I couldn’t rightly tell you what happened next, for it was all a blur and a jumble, then I done passed out all sleepy like.

When I opened my eyes I was layin’ on a bed. A short stocky man wearing overalls and a pair of spectacles was standing beside me looking down at me. Turns out his name was Rumpert and he was a tailor on the outskirts of Parts Unknown, looks like I had made it to my family’s old stompin’ grounds. Rumpert had found me on the edge of the woods just outside of town and figured someone done slipped me a Mickey. Rumpert helped me to my feet and led me to his kitchen where he fed me fatback and a glass of prune juice. I nearly gagged on the prune juice, on account of it bein’ rancid, but I didn’t want to seem the ungrateful kind, so I drank it down. The fatback, on the other hand, was a delight from the heaven. I tells ya, I had had fatback before, but never fried up all golden brown and delicious as this. Twas a feast meant for royalty, not a dirty kid like me.

Well, the Park clan has never been one to neglect payin’ back a kindness, so after regainin’ my strength, I told ol’ Rumpert that I’d work for him to pay him back for the food and lodging. Rumpert tried to refuse, but I was havin’ none of it. Wasn’t no Park gonna be in debt, no siree!

Turns out Rumpert worked with some sort of fancy fangled new stretchy fabric. Was sellin’ it to strongmen and dem dere fellas that liked to grapple and roll around on the ground. The whole thing sounded a bit harebrained to me. Grown men wearin’ skin tight, stretched out underwear? Why, they must look down right ridiculous, like some children or dem dere circus folk. Still, the man did show me kindness and nurse me back to help. Wasn’t about to talk mean of his craft.

Rumpert and I spent the better part of that day sewing letters and numbers and flames and all manner of offbeat designs onto the stretchy like underwear. I always done though this here be work for the woman folk, and I done pricked my fingers more times then I’d like to admit, but after a while I done took to it quite well. Well, the original plan was to work for Rumpert that day, then move on and seek out the lake from my vision, which I knew to be located somewhere near these here parts. After working with Rumpert for that day, though, I done decided to stay on for a while, as I grew to like the work. Rumpert didn’t object as I became quite skilled with thread and needle, and quickly too. Plus, I only asked for a bed and some more of that there deeeeeeeelicious fatback as renumeration. The rite of passage wasn’t no race and my heart done led me to work dat dere stretchy fabric.

Well, wouldn’t you know it, I done got caught up in my work and a week passed by like it was a minute. Come to find out that there was going to be a show in town where strongmen, mean spirited fellas, and all types of strange folk were goin’ to grapple and fight and all manner of tomfoolery. Rumpert was going to the show to sell his wares so I decided to tag along and see what it was all about.

You know that Seinfeld where Jerry is dating that woman that looks cute in a certain light but awful in other light? That is Brooke Hogan. Every other angled shot of her switches from pretty to monster. No other person has ever had me going “eh, she’s not so bad” to “dear god someone shoot that thing” back and forth every second like a yoyo. Its very emotional.

This is the second Impact I’ve watched and they’ve both been pretty entertaining. I like the cinema verite look of all the backstage vignettes. Also as soon as I saw the dress Brooke was wearing I knew what was going to happen.

Best wrestling wedding episode ever. The wedding itself, not so much. Everyone and their mother expected some kind of shenanigans, because wrestling wedding, but I was hoping they’d be on the level of the delightful build-up.

If this leads to the reveal of Brooke’s past as an underground street fighter with a Lord Byron back tattoo, then all will be forgiven. If it leads to Brooke developing Stockholm syndrome, joining Aces & Eights, and marrying Jarrett, then I’m re-quitting TNA forever.

Also, to how much would we pay to see a Roode and Aries episode of Trading Spaces? Ooh, or even better, What Not to Wear.

I was trying to keep it in the TLC lineup, since Danielle kept referencing Say Yes to the Dress.

It’s not aTLC show, but if any wrestler wants to earn legit heel heat, to the point that I will start cursing at my tv and giving it the finger, all they have to do is go on House Hunters and act like one of the standard entitled twats on that show. Oh, you don’t like the faucets in the veritable mansion you’re looking at? It’s too bad that those aren’t easy to change and relatively inexpensive FUCK YOU FUCK YOU DIE AAAAAAAARGH

House Hunters makes me SO MAD. Oh my god. Have you seen House Hunters Renovations yet? IT IS THE WORST. Because you think oh, finally, reasonable people who understand that changes can be made and cosmetic renovations aren’t really a huge deal AND THEN THEY HATE EVERYTHING AND ARE THE WORST PEOPLE AND IT’S A MILLION TIMES WORSE.

Brooke Hogan is by the far my favorite part of Impact every week. Weather she is struggling to remember her lines, tripping down the ramp, having her weird boobs fall out of her dress, telling Hulk about it loud enough for the mics to pick it up and then checking to see if Bully is alright only to console Tommy Dreamer. Your the best!

Holy shit Danielle, your “why doesn’t pyro go off when I walk into work”just gave me the idea of what, if were ever produced, would become the best “This Is Sportcenter”commercial of all-time.

Triple H looks for his sandwich in the company fridge, can’t find it, graps a microphone and walks into the middle of the breakroom

“Lately it has come to my attention, that some of you have been questioning my motives about adding a content blocker to our proxy servers. Maybe you think that I don’t want you having any fun around here? WELL YOUR DAMN RIGHT I DON’T. THIS BUSINESS is not about fun. It is about THIS BUSINESS. I don’t give a good damn what you think about me, but in THIS BUSINESS you don’t eat a man’s HAM SANDWICH. You think this is a game? WELL I AM THE GAME. I’m gonna give the man that did this ten seconds to get his ass out here…”

Just then music comes over the intercom, and as Jim Ross comes out of the elevator, he casually mentions, “Hey that’s Kane’s music”…Suddenly, an explosion comes out of all four corners of the cafeteria and Kane emerges from bathroom

“You’re right Hunter. We are mad about the content blocker. And as for the ham sandwich, IT WAS THAT DAMN GOOD.”

HHH Is hit from behind by Jerry Lawler. Kane attacks as well, beating down the once great champion as Lawler screams “YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE AWAY MY PORN YOU SONOFABITCH!!!” Lawler and Kane stand tall as the lunch hour ends…

You know, i have grown to enjoy your reviews, even if i end up disagreeing with some of your views.. A female perspective of the wrestling business is rare, and an articulate one even more so..Kudos. Btw, nice observation on the Tazz turn, i forgot about Snow’s disappearance from gutcheck weeks ago.

If it is Jarrett, not even Danielle can keep me watching. Thanks Danielle, you turn an awful show into something truly unique. I can’t agree however that Aries deserves a best this week. It brought out Chavo and ruined my day.