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Posts Tagged ‘Fadeaway’

The head of the Apocalyptic Council sat at his desk in the darkness. He couldn’t remember being a young man. He couldn’t remember being an old man, either. He could only remember the days when he had been less ancient, but he truly wanted to remember his younger days so he could undo the curse of immortality that had been placed upon him. This was the reason he had founded the Council, after all. Surely the end of the world would end him as well. It was all he dreamed about, all he wanted: the sweet embrace of death. He could not even remember the name he had been given at birth, and simply called himself Checker. He couldn’t remember why.

The door opened, letting in a sliver of light and a young man with claws.

Joshua leaned against the wall and took a steel file out of his pocket and began to sharpen his claws, “How are you doing today?”

“Absolutely wretchedly,” Checker hobbled over to a file cabinet and began paging through its files, “Any luck?”

“None whatsoever,” said Joshua, “We’ve sent out many agents to try and find out who you are and why you’re still alive. No luck yet. Also, we’ve had an infiltration.”

Checker slammed the file cabinet shut and hobbled back over to his desk, “Has it been taken care of?”

“Kind of,” said Joshua.

Checker cursed under his breath, “Kind of. How do you kind of take care of an infiltration? Did someone escape?”

“Nothing like that. We seem to have attracted some very interesting individuals.”

“How interesting?”

“Charleston Charge, for one.”

Checker hobbled back over to the file cabinet and began paging through the files contained within. The cabinet was a surrogate memory, though some things had been forgotten entirely. Joshua sat and waited patiently for Checker to pull out a file, read it, place it back into the cabinet, and hobble back to his desk.

Checker grinned, though his teeth had long ago been replaced with dentures, “Charleston Charge, eh? Good thing you’ve captured that one. According to my memory, he’s quite important. Could have put this entire operation in jeopardy.”

“That’s not all. We also captured a young man named Edwin Cloudstar. No, don’t bother going to your cabinet. He’s not in your memory,” said Joshua.

“He sounds familiar, though,” said Checker, “So familiar. Cloudstar. Hm. If he’s not in the cabinet then he can’t be important. Good work, all the same.”

“We also captured the Impossible Mister Frink and Vincenzo Fitzpatrick,” said Joshua.

Checker’s eyes lit up, “I remember those lads! Dashing young men. I remember seeing them so many years ago. Weren’t there more?”

“Yes. They weren’t here, but I think we should take the precaution of contracting some outside help with this. I’ve got contacts out there, and there’s probably more than a few people who would like a piece of the Basset Hound Brigade,” said Joshua.

Checker chuckled, “You know damn well that you and I have all the time in the world.”

“I know that, but really, sir. We’re on a time-table.”

“We’ve got time. It’s better to just move than to have our whole operation dismantled by the likes of them. Get on it, please. Release the prisoners, first. Give them a fight, but let them go. We mustn’t let on that they haven’t won, nor can we kill them. It’ll bring the rest of them down upon us” said Checker, leaning back in his chair.

“Of course,” Joshua left the room, grinning. He was itching for a fight.

***

Charleston Charge paced the cell while Mister Frink sat in the corner and thought. Vinny Fitzpatrick gazed longingly out the window while Edwin Cloudstar remained up against the wall, being unable to move.

“Back in the day, we could count on the Little Spick to get us out of jams like this,” said Vinny with a sigh, “Back in the day. I wonder what he’s up to?”

Vinny slumped to the ground, “Can’t we just wait for something to happen to you?”

“It’s impossible for anything to kill Edwin while we’re sitting in this cell,” growled Mister Frink.

Just then, a meteorite came flying through the window, hitting Edwin square between the eyes. It plowed through his brain and burrowed itself deeply into the wall. Vinny stared.

“We must act!” screamed Mister Frink, throwing himself against the door. It budged slightly, and Charleston aided him in the next impact. The door broke off of its hinges.

“Grab Edwin!” said Mister Frink, striding down the hallway. There were no guards. This bothered him.

Charleston threw Edwin’s body over his shoulder and Vinny followed. The quartet walked down the hallway to the next door, easily opening it.

“This can’t be right,” said Mister Frink, “There’s nothing in here but the sword.”

***

In the realm between life and death, Edwin watched as his companions carried his body down the hallway. There was a tap on his shoulder and he turned to see a tan red-headed woman wearing a purple blazer and skirt, holding a clipboard.

“Nice to see you again,” she said.

“Nice to see you, too, Camilla. I’m pretty sure I haven’t fulfilled the prophecies,” said Edwin.

Camilla looked at her clipboard, “No. Of course you haven’t. So what mess have you gotten into this time?”

Edwin pointed to Charleston, “I’m helping that guy with the hat stop a group dedicated to the Apocalypse. They had to kill me so that they could reunite me with my sword.”

“Fun,” Camilla wrote something on her clipboard and it vanished, “How’d you get separated from it in the first place? You haven’t died for a while.”

“What?” Edwin’s brow furrowed, “Then how did this happen?”

“I don’t know,” said Camilla, “Well, looks like it’s time for you to get back to living. Be careful. Not that I don’t like seeing you, of course.”

“Of course,” Edwin vanished from the realm.

***

Fifteen minutes later, the quartet was wandering through the mysteriously empty halls.

“This isn’t right,” said Mister Frink.

“You’re telling me,” said Charleston Charge, sidling along the wall.

“I feel a disturbance,” said Edwin, stopping dead in his tracks, his hand instinctively going to the hilt of his sword, “Not really. It’s more of just bad mojo.”

“Run,” said Edwin, attempting to force Joshua forward. Despite being dimensional twins, Joshua was stronger, and so this attempt met with failure.

As the pair continued to battle, Mister Frink and the others were running through the compound. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and they fell to the ground.

***

Vinny Fitzpatrick awoke to find himself on Mister Frink’s couch. Charleston Charge was eating a plate of waffles on a cot next to him, while Mister Frink was already up and about. Edwin Cloudstar was nowhere to be seen, but Mister Frink’s son was there.

“Are you sure you don’t want the Neo-Bassets to track these people down?” he said, not wearing his uniform.

“You know them?” said Charleston, in between mouthfuls.

Brian Frink stopped, and then nodded slowly, “Yes. I’m their pal.”

“What happened?” said Vinny.

“Ah, good. You’re awake,” said Mister Frink, “It’s been nearly a week. To be perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure what happened. All I know is that that compound has vanished into nothingness.”

“So we won?” said Vinny.

“I can only assume so,” said Mister Frink, pouring some tea.

“For the first time in years, I have nothing to do,” said Charleston, “It feels weird. I tell you what, though. I’m tendering my resignation with Brachiosaur. I’m going to do things my own way from now on. Maybe start a detective agency.”

“Bully for you,” said Mister Frink.

Vinny walked over to the table and took a cup of tea, “What happened to Edwin?”

“I don’t know,” said Mister Frink.

“The Neo-Bassets could find out,” said Brian.

“No. I don’t think we could find these people again unless they wanted to be found,” said Mister Frink.

***

Edwin Cloudstar floated in the void between universes once again, shunted once the Apocalyptic Council’s compound transported itself to its new location. Joshua was nowhere to be seen, and Edwin couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to his dimensional twin that made him think the Apocalypse was a good idea. Oh well. Soon, Edwin would either find his way back to a universe at some point soon.

Mike P: I’m pretty sure people might enjoy my thing.Xig: What’s your thing?[Mike P takes a deep breath and flies above the legion of challengers on his disc.]Mike P: If you’ve got an energy weapon, shoot me with it![All the challengers with energy weapons begins shooting Mike P with them, some with much more enjoyment than others. Those without energy weapons attack Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew until Mike P begins glowing like a collapsing star. He turns towards Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, flies towards him, and begins unleashing the energy, forcing himself to keep flying as he does so lest the energy blast push him back. As the last of the excess energy leaves his body, Mike P allows himself to be pushed back. The energy blast seems to do the trick, and Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew screams in pain. At the lair of the Embodiments…]The Stupid: More power! MORE POWER!Deity Guy: We’re giving her all we’ve got!The Stupid: You obviously aren’t! The meters are still… oh, wait. They stopped. We’re all now completely powerless!Lamp Prime: Wait, wait. Really?The Stupid: Yes! Though we can get our power back at any time by flicking this switch.Deity Guy: There’s no switch there. In fact, the whole console has been replaced by a featureless purple cube-like shape.The Stupid: That’s nonsense!Lamp Prime: He’s right. Turn around.[The Stupid turns around, and sees that the ghost machine has been replaced by a giant featureless purple cube-like shape.]The Stupid: This… this wasn’t supposed to happen. Now, once Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew has destroyed our enemies, he’ll be able to destroy us as well! He’s basically become a malevolent deity! This is all my fault!Deity Guy: Don’t be so hard on yourself. You had no idea this would happen.The Stupid: Well, you see, shortly after Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew arrived, I sent someone into his head to stomp around and make him go insane. Apparently, this has also made him much more proactive in his defense.[Deity Guy and Lamp Prime stare at the Stupid, who grins sheepishly.]Deity Guy: Dude. What the hell?[At the stadiums, Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew transforms once again. This time, he becomes a giant blob-like creature with a tiny leprechaun hat perched upon it, with various pieces of robot, monkey, bear, leprechaun, and human shifting in and out of its mass. It also begins flinging things at the various challengers, and shooting bolts of various energies. While its accuracy leaves much to be desired, the sheer mass of attacks is proving to be fatal to many challengers. In a misguided attempt to lighten the mood, Charlie Charleston dances to the head of the crowd.]Charlie Charleston: Charleston, Charleston, dah dah dadadah Charlie Charleston, I’m better than you![The the Charleston Hate Imp arrives nearly instantly, and due to his proximity to Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew, is beefed up by the excess power. Instead of the small yet dangerous being he once was, he, too, becomes a hulking monstrosity. The crowd lets loose a collective groan, but then the the Charleston Hate Imp touches Charlie Charleston. Charlie Charleston is immediately set on fire, and begins to expand. The man’s eyes pop first, spraying goo all over the place. Next, the buttons on his suit begin popping off, their ricochets dooming several more challengers, until finally, Charlie Charleston’s flesh has been stretched as far as it will go and the man explodes, his flaming body parts landing all over the place. The Camel leaps into the air to grab an errant foot, and greedily begins shlurping the rest of what was once Charlie Charleston. Once he’s completed this, he notices how many more corpses there are, and sighs contentendly. The Thrifty Scouts fly out over the crowd to confront Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew. Mike P is none too pleased, especially since Elvin Clovar has convinced Perverto to hold aloft a boombox to blare the Thrifty Scouts Theme Song.]Mike P: We saw you die! The Kzagnox totally killed you!Thrifty Scout Asgard: Kawaii! It’s a good thing he didn’t get our special Thrifty Star Seeds! Now then, you big old monster, we will punish you![As the Thrifty Scouts are preparing to attack, Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew focuses upon them, and with one blast, they’re disentegrated. Ethan Crane and Lord Tentacula join elbows and begin to dance with joy. Scoop Griswald runs around snapping photographs while Jonathan Hortenz, hit by one of Charlie Charleston’s shoes, has begun to drone on as if he was doing a DVD commentary of the battle. Steve the Chach is attempting to light Molotov cocktails using his bottles of Jaeger, a feat which proves impossible considering how he refuses to waste the Jaeger and empties each bottle beforehand. Danger Force sits around and laughs at everyone else as they run around, trying to dodge Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew’s attacks. The three champions continue to attack.]Shoshy Raphael: I’d say this is hopeless!Mike P: Not if we get a deus ex machina up in here![As if on cue, a light comes from the western sky, framing a figure on a mighty steed.]Shoshy Raphael: Good god, is that — ?Owen Reilly: It is! It is! Brachiosaur the White![Sure enough, Brachiosaur is riding into battle upon Wyandotte Thompson, much to Wyandotte’s chagrin. He is brandishing a relatively small sword which still dwarfs a man. Alongside him ride El Presidente on an especially large dog, Leo Leopolous astride his riding lion, Sexy Jiro on top of his gimp, the Cart King atop one of his carts, Jerald on his flying disc, Mister Frink on his gyrocopter, Cart King and Mad Monkey Jesus aboard the flying cross, and the Unibear on his unicycle.]Brachiosaur: BRACHI! BRACH BRACH BRACHIOSAUR BRACHI BRACH BRACHIOSAUR!Unibear: Graaahnk![However, one by one the riders are cut down by errant blasts from Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew until only Unibear remains. He rolls up to Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew and looks up at the monstrous blob, half-heartedly scratching it.]Unibear: Grahn.[Baggy Jesus O’Malley the Jew pulsates, the movement being enough to crush the Unibear.]Iavi: Well, boys, this isn’t how I thought I’d die, but it’s been nice knowing you, I guess.Charleston Charge: We still have a chance, if only Edolie DePrit would show up. She usually shows up, then I save the day.Mike P: We don’t have time to wait!Charleston Charge: Sure we —[Charleston Charge is suddenly hit with a beam of energy, falling to the ground.]Shoshy Raphael: You did tell him we didn’t have time to wait.[Off to the side, the Embodiment of Chaos steps out from between moments. He looks around.] Embodiment of Chaos: Damn. Looks like I don’t even have to be here.[He steps back. Other than the three champions, only a handful of challengers remain. This includes Edwin Cloudstar, Baco, Antwon, Iavi, Xig, Fadeaway, the Animajor, Xavier Malcolm, Logan Keanu Solo, Gerald, Jihad Man, Purga the Demon-Thing, the Bear Machine, and Bukake.]Iavi: I think we should find cover, maybe think up a plan.Edwin Cloudstar: Oh, forget plans. Get me one of those Purple Lamp bombs.Mike P: What are you going to do?Edwin Cloudstar: I’m going to jump into that thing and blow it up from the inside.Shoshy Raphael: A good plan. I expect nothing less from my old foe.Edwin Cloudstar: Don’t think I’ve forgotten what you tried to do.Shoshy Raphael: I don’t.[A bomb is made and given to Edwin Cloudstar.]Edwin Cloudstar: I need one of you to get me up to the top so I can sink through.Iavi: No. It’s a suicide mission.Mike P: We’ll be fine, I’m sure. Besides, whoever does it can get really close to attack.Shoshy Raphael: I suppose it’ll work.

[In the center of the Coliseum, The Stupid paces back and forth. Well, not so much paces as sort of floats back and forth. The Stupid stops only for a moment and manifests a giant Dali-esque bleeding clock, the hands of which are moving backwards. In an instant, the clock disappears and The Stupid continues along his path. A few feet away from him, Charlie Charleston steps to-and-fro, waving his arms wildly as he dances the Charleston and sings quietly to himself.]Charlie Charleston: Charleston, Charleston, Villain’s not gonna be late. [stops singing] Don’t worry, kiddo. Agent Villain’s a stand-up guy, the real McCoy. He’s not gonna miss this. No way, no how.The Stupid: Did… did you just call me “kiddo”?
[The door to the Coliseum opens with a creak. Both Charlie Charleston and The Stupid look over as Agent Villain leisurely jogs up to The Stupid.]Agent Villain: Right on time, Stupid. [The Stupid manifests the bleeding clock and stares at it for a moment.]The Stupid: So you are. Well done.Agent Villain: So, who will I be facing this time? [The clock disappears. The Stupid motions towards Charlie Charleston, who is still dancing the Charleston. Agent Villain looks over at Charlie, then back at The Stupid. Villain first smiles, but extinguishes his grin once he realizes that Charlie Charleston is, indeed, his opponent.]Agent Villain: Wait, he’s on our team? You must be joking.The Stupid: I must be — but I’m not.Agent Villain:[smiling sardonically] I guess they don’t call you Stupid for nothing.The Stupid: That’s right. [There’s a short pause, with the only sounds being silence and Charlie Charleston’s ridiculous singing. The Stupid’s expression changes suddenly from “smug” to “insulted” as he realizes the implication of Agent Villain’s comment. Before he has a chance to respond, Agent Villain cuts him off.]Agent Villain: So what exactly is our event?Charlie Charleston: I hope it’s another swell dance-off!The Stupid: If you mean a dance-off of death, then you’re correct. Er, sort of. Earlier today, I was wracking my brain in an attempt to conceive an event that would suit the both of you. After all, you share virtually nothing in common — nothing, save one small detail.Agent Villain: And that would be…?The Stupid: You both have an enemy in Mister Lucky.Charlie Charleston: Aw, you’re all wet, pongo. Lucky ain’t got nothin’ on my moves!Agent Villain:[eye glinting, a vampiric smile creeping along his lips] Go on.The Stupid: The game, gentlemen, is called “Death Traps.” Right now, Lamp Prime’s dog Thomas Iavi is making the preparations for Lucky’s contest against that infernal Cinco de Mayo. The contest Iavi’s chosen for them is a race through a series of death traps specifically designed to test their respective strengths and attack their respective weaknesses. A good idea, but, being a hero, the man has no real idea of how to go about engineering such houses of horror — especially not for the world’s luckiest man. That’s where you two come in. While Iavi would have the traps simply test Mister Lucky, you will engineer them so that the death traps can do nothing but prove the end of him!Agent Villain: Getting into Lamp Prime’s arena won’t be easy.The Stupid: What was the expression you used before? Ah, yes. “I’ve already taken care of it.” Shoshy Raphael and Mister Unlucky have already been sent ahead of you as a show of good will. Access to the Hippodrome should be no trouble for you.Agent Villain: I see. [rubbing his five o’clock shadow] Yes. I think I’ll have fun with this. Mission accepted.Charlie Charleston: I don’t need a death trap to stop Mister Lucky! I’ll just dance him out of commission! Charleston, Charleston…Agent Villain:[turning to walk away, unable to suppress his grin] Yeah. You do that. [Agent Villain hurries out of the Coliseum. Behind him, The Stupid tries in vain to explain the purpose of a death trap to Charlie Charleston.]

[The Ghost of Charlemagne is sitting on a rock outside the perimeter of the stadiums. He can still hear the chatter, and is growing increasingly angry.]Ghost of Charlemagne: Stupid old man… [Suddenly, Deity Guy pops into existence behind him.]Deity Guy: That stupid old man! I regret ever bringing him here!Ghost of Charlemagne: Howard Cosell?Deity Guy: Yes. I don’t mind the other old men I brought here. Mainly him.Ghost of Charlemagne: Technically, he’s a ghost.Deity Guy: I know that. This stupid Meekrat thing is out of control.Ghost of Charlemagne: Tell me about it. The Phillipson brothers are bound and determined to make everyone think it’s a conspiracy theory, and what’s worse is that everyone seems to want to help them do so.Deity Guy: Gah! I’m supposed to be the neutral care-free Embodiment, not the fix stupid problems Embodiment. [Fadeaway, who has apparently been listening to their conversation, fades into view.]Fadeaway: I think I can help you, Deity Guy.Deity Guy: How?Fadeaway: Well… [A half-hour later]Player Two: It’s the March of the Meekrats against Madness! 2010!Player One: What does that even mean?Player Two: The Meekrats are an intergalactic peace-keeping organization, and this whole tournament is to recruit people to fight some evil entity!Player Three: We’re in the middle of an intergalactic battleground!L$@df$@gi:[O-M-G flashes across his screen] [Suddenly, another stage appears between the three stadiums. Deity Guy hovers above it, with Howard Cosell and a young man in a brown jumpsuit with dark brown stripes on its back, resembling those of a meerkat. An actual meerkat is perched on the young man’s shoulder.]Deity Guy: Everyone! Howard Cosell has some things he’d like to share! Don’t you, Howard?Howard Cosell: I’m doing this under duress! I’m —Deity Guy: HOWARD!Howard Cosell: — sorry everyone misheard me. I didn’t say March Meekrat Madness, or Meekrat world —Ghost of Charlemagne: Nor would he, since meekrat is a stupid word that no one should ever say again.Howard Cosell: — I was just talking about this young man here.Meerkat: Hey everyone. I’m the Meerkat. I’m a superhero.Deity Guy: So when you said March Meekrat Madness…Howard Cosell: I actually meant that this young man may have wished to attend some of the March Madness basketball games.Deity Guy: And Meekrat world?Howard Cosell: I meant Meerkat Whirl.Deity Guy: Which is?Meerkat: It’s a social networking thing. Howard Cosell doesn’t get it because he’s a dottering old man.Howard Cosell: Yes, I am a dottering old man.Deity Guy: So no one should use the word Meekrat again.Ghost of Charlemagne: Especially because it’s a stupid, stupid word. Really, you all should have realized it wasn’t anything when Howard said it. He’s a crazy old man.Howard Cosell: Yes, I am.Deity Guy: Now that that’s cleared up, on with the tournament!

Lamp Prime: Step forth, Charleston Charge and Fadeaway! Your challenge shall be to hold off the invaders at the pass!Charleston Charge: What?Fadeaway: You mean like “300”? Where everyone died at the end?Lamp Prime: Yes. Like that.Charleston Charge: Why would you have us do such a thing?Lamp Prime: The other embodiments and I had a movie night last night. I was enthralled by “300”, and wish to see it relived.Fadeaway: Without the dying?Lamp Prime: If you’re good. You both have super-powers, after all. And you can fly and become intangible, Fadeaway. You’ve nothing to fear.Charleston Charge: What was 300 about? I don’t watch many movies.Fadeaway: It was the thing with the Spartans holding the pass against the Persians. Xerxes and all that.Charleston Charge: Oh. Yeah, we should actually do okay. Do we get weapons?Lamp Prime: No. And the invaders are being played by the other champions of good, so please don’t kill any of them.Player Two: Freaking sweet!