A few years ago I spent a Saturday blissfully tripping by myself. I had dosed that afternoon and I started coming down as the sun was coming up. It was a bright, crisp morning and I felt completely at peace. I was shuffling my music and Sunday Morning by The Velvet Underground came on. It was too perfect and gorgeous to feel cliche and affected.

I suddenly made a decision. I had to make some changes. I had to get my fat ass to the gym.

I was surprised to see so many people. I had thought, hey, 7am on a Sunday, I'll have the run of the place. I was obviously incorrect. All the cardio machines were taken. I couldn't just stand there. I was already getting sweaty and I'd been so high for so long so recently.

I saw an empty bench press and went for it. I couldn't remember what I used to bench back in school so I decided to estimate on the low side at around 160. I am 6'2 and 250 lbs. I was gonna relax with some leisurely sets and wait for a treadmill to open up.

It was heavier than I imagined. I figured my guns were rusty. I decided to only execute a couple perfect pumpings of weight and then wait for cardio. Suddenly the bar reached the apex of my first attempt and my body gave up with horrifying finality. It was all I could do to keep it balanced while it came down slowly but surely like a hydraulic lift. I let it sit on my chest while I came up with a plan. Every time I tried to move it my arms shook and wobbled like a fawn learning to stand. I decided to slowly rock back and forth until it could roll down my beautiful plus size body. With momentum and gravity it would roll to my thighs and free me. Perfect. I tensed my belly and strained forward with all of my might.

Wwwhhhooooooooooooooooot....

The bar rolling down toothpasted a fart out. I lacked the strength to tighten my butthole so it just kinda fell out. Sounded like a giant blowing on a bottle. If anyone heard it, they ignored it. Despite my meticulous calculations, the bar had stopped and settled between my belly and groin. It hurt. I slowed my breathing and just relaxed. It'll be ok, I thought. I got this, I prayed.

Brap brap...brap brapbrapbrapbrapbrap.

Nope, it's bad, this is bad. Everyone had to have heard the rounds I let fly from the ol semiauto bubblegut. The volume was incredible. No one knew I was literally pinned to the goddamn bench, ashamed and trapped there in my fart. No one laughed. Time was frozen but I assume only a few minutes passed. Finally a very small man ran over, effortlessly grabbed the weights and racked them. He looked up at me with genuine concern.

"Hey man are you alr-"

popopopopopopop............WHHHOooooooot.

To his credit he only grinned for a second before regaining control. More like a twitch. I nodded somberly, thanked him and shook his hand. I tried to act like my asshole had not just popped off like a string of firecrackers and finished off with the moan of a dying whale. He left me standing there, trying to plan a graceful exit strategy. Everyone was pretending not to notice me as they stared peripherally and slowed or stopped their exercise. All I wanted was a way to salvage this and look normal. Like I wasn't bothered at all.

So, knowing I was being observed, I did this. I stood tall, nodded to myself like I nailed it, clapped firmly one time and said Alright

Fuck.

Me.

The door barely whispered shut behind me when the laughter started. I ran to my car.

I can now find the humor in my pathetic failed benchpress and uncontrollable farting. There is nothing funny about The Clap. It pops into my head randomly every few months or so and makes my face hot and my stomach cramp. I just wanted to look like a normal human being.

TL;DR I went to the gym under the influence, publicly displayed how weak I am, became trapped on the bench and farted uncontrollably until I was rescued. Then I pretended I had just done really well and congratulated myself with a lil nod, clap and Alright as if I could alter reality by sheer force of will.

there's hundreds of TIFU's that read like they were made-up by wannabe writers who seem to think that meticulously and over-creatively describing farts and shits will land them in the national library.

Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to be a writer. Just seems a shame to waste it on r/tifu or potty stories.

True, but I did find this one to be well written with nice descriptive humor. The fact it may be true or false stands but I mean literally anything anyone posts could be bs unless they are verified. At least it was funny.

It read like a bit by someone who has never done a single rep on bench, but subs to /r/fitness and read about the roll of shame and doesn't understand how lucky they would've been if they did this and weren't hurt in real life

Firstly, jesus. You are the first post I've seen with negative votes. And I can't understand why, maybe they thought you were like fat shaming or something?

Secondly, yeah I kind of would have to agree with you. Even if they had done reps in the past... 160lbs isnt light weight to start off with. Like that's like benching an adult. I've only ever used a gym because of sports training but I was always taught to go light and if it was easy ad 5lbs to each side. Also normally you can get a pretty good idea if you're going to heavy or not just with the initial push off the rack (imo at least).

Right? I was cry laughing and enjoyed the writing. A lot of TIFU stories are written kinda cringily--too much flourish--- but I didn't get that here. Might just be the public tripping or brap brapbrap was too relatable.

“Hi Mr. GinsuWife, it says here on your resume you wrote a publicly acclaimed piece entitled ‘The Clap’. Can you expand on how ‘The Clap’ helped prepare you for this position?”

GinsuWife: well it’s a little diddy I wrote on reddit about tripping balls and physically toothpasting an explosive series of farts out of my body with a barbell and then sealing the deal with a nice clap. I think you’d like it.

Here, in TIFU, choosing beggars, and a few others, you can see if you stick around for a few days and reading the fine details of what makes it to the top and all. In the ones that involve sex, you'll notice some odd fetish phrases peek out here and there, or the entirety of the story follows a specific pattern- one that's popular in fiction/shitty online shit. And you'll notice the embarrassment is highlighted to an extreme, abnormal amount- making it obvious their writing intent.

​

It's hilarious and sad once you notice it. It's more than people think. Not just one or two a day, either. Give 'em credit though- they know their audience and how to write specifically for them. That's a talent, being a deceitful bitch or not, that's talent.

Using nonsensical slang to sound like Juno or the first twenty minutes of Birdbox is not quality writing. They’re writing comments that may deserve an upvote from you but nobody is going to pay them to say this dumb shit.

I failed and woke up my bunny who was napping on her side across the room. i started to smile but kept reading and then lost it. My bunny got up and looked annoyed at me, lol. then she had a snack so i think i am forgiven.

I toothpasted more than a fart one time. Back in college when I was in shape, I was benching 315 and listening to Opie and Anthony with Jim Norton. I don’t remember the joke that did it, but I dropped it and it happened. I waddled out like a champ, but that sucked.

As an outsider I'd see the clap as "I fucked up. I know it, you all know it. Peace, I'm outta here."

This is a quality tifu because people would just laugh and not blame op for the fuck up. Exercising is hard. He didn't do anything mean or obnoxious. Fortunately he was ok, acknowledged the mess up, and gave everyone a good laugh.

As an outsider I'd see the clap as "I fucked up. I know you, you all know it. Peace, I'm outta here."

I can only imagine it made everyone’s day at the gyms better. I’d want to be your friend OP that shit is hilarious. My little brother does something similar. He will randomly workout with me like once a year. Next day he will be sore and say “well I’m pretty sore I think I’ll try again next year”

I think he's trying to say he's going to wank, while watching other people have a quickie, while his grandmother prepares breakfast. But it is very difficult to tell as the actual words used, in that order, do not make sense. Am Australian.

I absolutely agree. I think that was actually a great "Fin." Had I been there I would have grokked the "Clap - alright" as "Well fuck. That sucked but I'm not dead, I didn't hurt anyone and I learned a lesson. Think I'll go lay down. Hey folks? I'm totally cool with y'all laughing your asses off at me. Laters!"

You'd have gained my respect and honestly, next time I saw you in the gym I'd ask you to spot me. No one pays attention to the spot job better than someone who has been pinned and scared. I think you're all good, mate. That they waited until the door closed behind you to release the laughter was totally evidence that they respected you and don't hold it against you.

This is awesome, I think the best part is the clap. We’ve all done stupid things but rarely do we have the balls to clap and pretend we’re alright. I hope you let this go, it’s hilarious and cool. No big deal.

I tried so hard not to wake my husband as I died from stifled laugher reading the story. Then your darn comment just caused me let out a loud and terrible tugboat noise of a hum... Thanks for the visual, it got the best of me!

I'm always worried it will happen during my deadlifts. One time it did and I was really embarrassed, but I looked around and literally everyone was wearing headphones, so I doubt any of them heard a thing.

This is literally what keeps me from doing yoga. I was like 15 in a class with my fucking mom doing yoga and I had the most epic queef of all time. It was just the perfect queef position for me I guess. I wanted to die. Sink into the floor and melt into nothing die. Holy fuck it still keeps me up at night. Worse than sex queefs because that’s only one person not 15 hearing it.

My teenage self was like omg my fucking vagina just farted what the actual fuck.

Oh wow -- lol.
It replaced "sharted" with "started". I'm a dude and avoid your topic altogether. If it ever happened at the gym, or anywhere I would just go about my business as usual and not say or act different.
That's a funny, but contextually correct, error on my part.

There's a story that Ed Coan tells where he accidentally shit himself in a squat suit. He decided that since he'd already made a mess, he'd rather make it worse and finish the set than go clean up and start it over. So he did a few more reps, and it went up the gap on his back.

initiate power boost

In nature, when 2 male Kodiak bears are squaring up over territory and mates, one or both of the bears are known to completely void their bowels before the fight in front of the other to display dominance, as if to say “I’m not holding anything back, Fucko.”

Not sure if it's related, but technically that's also part of the fight or flight mechanism. Peeing/pooping yourself means your body is spending SLIGHTLY less energy holding your bladder/bowels.

I'm not making this up. It was legit something they taught before a deployment in a military class I went to. Had us watch a video about combat and what to expect (and how it was nothing to be ashamed of if you peed/pooped yourself) and everything.

No way, the gym is my Fartuary. It’s the one place you can do it with impunity because A). When I’m doing squats I’m not holding anything back; B). It’s loud and everyone wears headphones; C). All gyms have a certain funk, sometimes it’s more “hot wet sock”, other times it’s more “ammonia and antiseptic wipes”, and at certain places where meatheads congregate (you know the type: 3,000 sq ft of Olympic weights and 2 exercise bikes, plus a massive guy with full sleeves and babylegs who seems to always be hanging in the locker room with a full duffel and a wad of cash) you get the unmistakeable whiff of “MetRx-bars-and-HGH-diet poops”. It’s nutty with subtle hints of chicory and IOC violations.

Let ‘em fly at Planet Fitness; points for style if you’re on a stair stepper.

People fart at the gym. It’s unavoidable. It’s embarrassing, but it happens, especially during squats and leg press. Don’t worry about it, just don’t be that guy in Yoga who farts every time the “silent, deep breathing meditation” portion starts. That guy is the worst.

First of all, hilarious...
Don't let one experience get you down. I think you had the right idea about taking care if yourself, maybe not executed in the proper way :-). You learned something, you took a step.

As far as the self consciousness... As one of the " little guys" (5'4") I find it amusing to hear guys with a full foot on me talking about their issues. Every day I live in a world with guys like you! I can't lift weights to gain height, gotta work with what I am. My point is if you are always looking at other people or wondering what they are thinking, judging, you will never make progress...

That and feel free to ask anyone in the gym if they mind spotting you. From my experience the vast majority of people don't mind spotting someone else while they're resting between sets. Nobody wants to see someone get hurt and it's part of the culture to want to help others in the gym.

A little humility in the beginning when choosing your weight, and a helpful spotter, will go a loooong way in helping you not become a farting human tube of toothpaste.

I’m really torn between finding this hilarious and genuinely feeling bad for you. This is kind of awful for everyone, from you, to the people who had to smell it for the rest of their workout.

Hey, at least you had a nice group of people though! And at least you got to clap for yourself, instead of getting a round of applause when you finally made it up.

Would recommend being sober for awhile before the next gym visit. You may actually be able to lift more- your body is tired after “tripping” all night and wants to recover, even if your mind is inspired.

Here’s hoping for a better gym session next time. All the best to you, mate!

ETA: If, god forbid, this happens again...just yell “can someone help”. Embarrassing as hell but... less embarrassing than what you went through !

Jesus fucking Christ as if failing the rep isn’t embarrassing enough (we’ve all been there man) unleashing a flurry of loud ass farts as it rolls down your belly? I cannot stop laughing right now holy shit!!

Just that image, drops weight, fails to get it up, immediately starts farting and struggling.

Honestly I’ve let a few rip by accident doing some heavy sets but fortunately they’ve all been silent. Thanks for posting this OP

I was doing presses one time and lost control of the bar near the end of my set. I had to roll the bar to my waist and have my nearly 60(at time)year old mother remove a 25 from each side... granted it was well over bodyweight but 2 things.

1 I shouldn't have been pressing what I was without either catch bars and I shouldn't have put clips on the bar.

I once on vacation in cape cod ate like a king all day almost all fried sea food, fast forward to eating 5 grams of mushrooms that night and about 3 hours late I was farting every 30-45 seconds... I compared myself to one of those air freshener that goes off every once in awhile

I thought I was hilarious my wife and her friend did not think so this went on for a awkwardly long time and I laughed after every fart like crying while tripping laughing.As I started to come down I slowly realized how gross it was went out side to look at the stars.Actually a coyote troted down the street which I thought was cool so I went in to get my wife and show he and that’s when I realized the entire bungalow smelled like stale farts and the the look on their faces

Nothing left to fear is right!! That’s your gym now, OP. No one can take it from you. Go back, don’t change gyms. Hell, dont even change your outfit. You want people to recognize you. If I saw you back there I’d definitely reach out and buddy up with ya!!

Too late for me, my 6yo just came out of bed & asked me to keep the laughter down, he's trying to sleep. OP, I know it was embarrassing for you, but shit, your story has me in stitches. Now, to get my son back to bed without waking his sister...

DUDE the confidence it took to have the humor to go clap "alright" was what made it funny. People were laughing because it was awkward but you had the confidence to joke about it anyways. Don't kid yourself, what you did exuded more confidence than if you had just walked out like nothing happened.

Recently was viewing a house and I tried to be masculine and lift this very heavy gate that had fallen out of place. Rather than just stop as it was ungodly heavy I strained and released a huge loud fart in front of the realtor.

I don't mind that, but if they're going to do it on tifu, I feel like they should make it believable. This story was good until the "then everyone started laughing as I left the gym". No one really cares at the gym.

This whole piece is excellent. Wonderful literature. And to be honest OP the clap at the end would have made everyone's day and possibly made you look as thought you were able to make a joke of it yourself.

Then I pretended I had just done really well and congratulated myself with a lil nod, clap and Alright

But ... you had done really well.

You got back to the gym.

Read that line again. You got back to the gym. Now, sure, you had a wee problem with the weights being a little different than you expected but that's not too bad. It happens. Just Friday, I couldn't get my last set of overheads, got off-center, and the weights fell to the floor with a deafening clang. I've been rescued by the safety bar for squats and bench-presses.

Failure is part of the game!

Your next step is to head over to /r/fitness and poke around. Get a weightlifting program like Stronglifts 5x5 and build momentum. Build a habit. Keep going to the gym. Get stronger.

As for everyone pretending not to notice you, that's because every single person that's lifted something heavy and put it back down again has failed a set.

The only way this becomes a real TIFU is if you let one failed set ruin your resolve.

So many lessons here - 1) don’t go to the gym tripping or under the influence 2) never bench without a spotter - especially when you have no idea how much you can bench 3) if you get stuck with the weight on your chest - call for help. Don’t roll it down.

Last year a 17 year old died because he went to the local gym by himself and tried to bench press too much weight without a spotter. The bar caught on his neck and he choked to death. Being an idiot in the gym can have consequences.

Rolling it down is fine as you can just stand up with it and set it down like a deadlift. Its called the roll of shame. When I bench without a spotter I just do lower weight in a pause rep style. I focus on bar speed and stop when I start to slow down. I learned all this as getting a reliable gym partner is hard. :(

I’m sorry your first time didn’t go as planned. Almost anybody that goes to the gym regularly has several stories of their own spectacular failures. You’re already part way to being a pro.

That clap and “Alright” was comedy gold. I’d own that shit with the intensity of 1000 suns. People were laughing because they thought you were trying to make them laugh, to ease the awkwardness and return the atmosphere to normalcy. You did all that, and in a brilliant way.

As a regular gym rat, I’d like to share my perspective with you. Anytime I see someone new in the gym, I secretly cheer for you. I see someone trying to make a change for the better in their life, stepping out of their comfort zone, and trying something new and scary. I remember my first time in the gym. I felt lost, intimidated, and worried I’d be doing something stupid. So now I look for opportunities to help new people in the hopes of getting them through the awkward phase so they can continue on their journey of self improvement.

I can’t speak for all gym rats, but at least the people I work out with all feel similarly. I hope you don’t let this stop you.

Give this man some love. That self congratulatory "Alright" is something everyone who tries and fails should do. Ever seen a cat fuck up a landing? Look at him and he looks at you like "whats the big deal, nothing happened".

This is one of the best TIFU posts I’ve read since joining reddit. Thanks OP and I hope someday you can not get embarrassed by this memory. Damn is that funny tho, especially your word play describing it. Gold!

It's a gutsy move, but I can't help but feel that had OP been honest and explained that he was in sheer agony and actual distress, he wouldnt have gotten laughs and could have returned to the gym more easily. (less embarrassed)

I think I'd rather be remembered as the guy who learned to respect his limits and kept at it, than as the guy who had to be rescued while farting and was never seen again.

On a side-note, having fairly recently begun any sort of training, farting is still a bit of an embarrassment, but after several others either said "it happens, think nothing of it" or having farted in my vicinity themselves and apologizing, I dont feel like such a fool or freak AS much.

Jesus fucking christ....I haven't laughed so hard in as long as I can remember :D Thanks OP....you just made my morning!
Also, you should definitely be writing....something....anything. Probably standup.

Something I learned when recovering from injury - ALWAYS- I mean ALWAYS - take your max set and reduce the weight by half. If you can't do 12 reps of those without taking a break then you can't get back to your maximum at the moment. I still use this as a warm up tech - 50% max weight 12 reps, 50% mac weight 10 reps, and 80% max weight 7 reps. After those warm ups then push forward to max weight.

Hey OP. I'm a gym rat. I'm one of those "4 hours working out and loving every minute" people.

You got stuck under the bar. It's scary. It happens. You tried to get out alone, and imo, that is your only mess up.

There are other people there. Weight lifter courtesy is helping people out. You can always call out for help. There is no shame in asking for a spot, or calling for help when trapped. The only people who will hold that against you are the gym Dicks™. And those guys violate every bit of gym etiquette they can, on purpose.

Of course everyone laughed. It's a fart. Farts are funny, especially to people who lift the kinds of weights that make you vomit or crap yourself. This happens a lot. I've thrown up three times from heavy weights. I always managed to get to the trash can or bathroom, but it's happened. I've watched a guy PR on his deadlifts. He farted on the brace. I laughed. He laughed. He got his PR anyways.

Every single person waited until you were out of the building to laugh. You owned what happened. I guarantee that most of the people there that witnessed it actually kinda respect that. They weren't laughing at you, they were laughing at the farts.

Go back to the gym, but do it sober. Ask the guy that helped you out for a spot. Build those gym relationships on the foundation of those farts. It's OK to be embarrassed by that. You've already owned it, keep doing so.

This is my first time ever commenting, but I just had to say: I'm reading this while at work and I'm supposed to be being quiet, this shit had me fucking shaking the chair I'm sitting in from laughing so hard.
My husband and I were talking about hilarious farts earlier and this just sparked that on top of the greatness of this. Best thing I've seen today.

That's alright. When I lived in Las Vegas, near the Luxor is an AMPM. I worked about a block away (funny enough the car scene from the hangover was filmed near here) and every morning around 5:00 I would stop in to the AMPM and get 2 chicken sandwiches and a gatorade for like $5. Anyways one fateful morning I stop in and as i'm putting ketchup on my sandwhiches a completely naked women walks in clearly high as a kite. She then proceeds to go up to every individual in the store arms spread offering a hug and saying "I love youuuu!" before finally exiting. As soon as she exits the 4 or so people in the building bust out laughing. The cashier proceeds to call non emergency and everyone having been strangers before is now conversing about the shared incident.

If that girl remembers any of it she is either very proud or very embarrassed.

Several weeks ago I shared my story about how I machine gun farted my way across a room during a bible study. I left out what happened when I made my way to the other side of the room. I turned around faced the mortified room and SMILED AND WAVED. I don’t know why I did it my mind froze and that’s what my body did. So I get it man, I really fucking do.

Take comfort in knowing you found rock bottom, theres only one way to go now. It's not like it can get more embarrassing and look on the bright side, your probably the most talked about popular person at that gym now.

Reminds of the time my friend almost died because he lost control of the bar when dude next to us farted the most putrid rotting protein fart ever. Went to go rescue him and first words out of his mouth are “BALLS!” He shouted this and everyone stops. I loose control because I start laughing so hard and the bar goes back on his throat. I muster again and start to get it up and he stutters loudly “BALLS, FACE” to which the entire gym cracked up. You could hear people dropping things everywhere. Apparently getting tea bagged was more of a concern than having his trachea crushed. This is all while the same friend, jacked tatted dude, is blasting Taylor Swift (his power music). Gyms have always been a sacred place to fart while putting too much weight on the bar and laughing about the results.

Holy fucking shit this was the best prose I’ve ever read about flatulence in my history of reading. You literally had me cracking up so loud my aunt started laughing because I was laughing. Nicely done

Even though they laughed after you left, they waited till you left. (I love those “we’re In this together” moments that happen between a group of strangers.) Everyone there that day shared a funny moment, theirs was that day, yours was today. Great story, thanks for sharing.

First of all, mad props to the people in your gym for keeping a poker face while all this was happening. You hear so many horrible things about people in gyms being Grade A Cunts to other people - like that bitch snapping photos of a lady in the shower, or a group laughing at a fat person on the treadmill, whatever - but my experience has always been closer to this. People are just doing their own thing, having their own challenges, trying to get through their workout, and not there to act like middle schoolers. But damn... the clap ALRIGHT has to be what pushed them over the edge. I'm imagining that as you left, one person inadvertently made eye contact with another and just LOST it, which set off a chain reaction. Can you imagine the tension levels in that room as everyone tried not to look at each other or you while you deflated like a whoopie cushion? Bless their hearts for trying.

Second, you are all of us. This is a nightmare everyone's had in one way or the other - it's the "naked at work" dream or the "why am I on a toilet in the middle of a room full of people" dream or the "I just tripped and fell, spilling every marble in the world" dream. Only you were there for the best of reasons and earnest as can be... If I'd been there I would totally have wanted to go over and be like "Dude, are you okay? That was hilarious, so please don't feel bad. I once fell off a stairmaster. Want to come do some cardio with me?"

I remember the first time I got back in a pool after many years of putting on weight, and not swimming for exercise (I'd been in the water, but recreationally). When I was younger, I swam athletically and was extremely fast and in exceedingly good shape. Now, however, I was more whale than dolphin... but nobody told my brain that. I was expecting to be able to do something I'd always been a natural at. Get in the pool, do laps, glide through the water, technique perfect. Front crawl, here I come. What happened instead was I did one lap, flapping around like a drowning pelican because I couldn't breathe because I was so out of shape, and indeed my body was in an entirely new shape that didn't do what I told it to do. I got to the other end where there were many, many people nearby and was breathing so hard they were staring at me. So I had to pretend not to be out of breath, of course, like any vain person. I headed back for a second lap which nearly killed me, and then I got out of the pool and walked back to the locker room having done a grand total of two laps, trying not to open-mouth pant and instead breathing through my nose so people wouldn't know how hard I was breathing... Which of course made me breathe like a raging bull.

I also once fell down a flight of stairs at a museum fundraiser (imagine one of those grand, sweeping staircases with a red carpet in the centre of a mezzanine, so EVERYONE SAW IT). It was attended by the city's most glittering beautiful people, who were all in masks as the Cirque du Soleil performed in-crowd. Because I was wearing 4" heels and the stairs were carpeted, and there were footmen lining each side where the handrail was so I had to walk without holding onto anything, aaaaaaaaaaand the carpet was slick, all of a sudden WHOOOOOP feet went out from under me, smash onto my ass, slide down about 8 stairs, came to a rest. Two of the footmen (it was a themed masquerade) came running over, and mumbled the usual "Are you alright???" while helping me up. I graciously smiled at them as though I had dropped my purse and they'd picked it up for me, rather than dropping my own ass like a drunken aunt at a wedding, and said "Oh, thank you so much." and as though nothing had happened, continued walking down the stairs to the lobby. I literally wanted to die - when people talk about wishing the ground would open up and swallow you... Yeah. That.

But I can now tell the story and laugh, a mere 10-15 years later. Point is, your clap ALRIGHT probably has been told to more people than you can imagine as the funniest goddamn story that witness has in their arsenal, just like me going ass over teakettle down the stairs has... and we should be happy we continue to make so many people sound funny at parties!

Expertly written. Oh you had me laughing so hard I actually had to run to the bathroom with legs clenched lest I piss myself. While I'm sorry for your misfortune, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the laugh.
claps ..... alright...

Buddy went to the gym, attempts to bench 160, rips ass for a solid minute while a stranger helps him out, then he makes a sweet power move by shaking the guy’s hand and fucking off, confusing everyone in the gym.

Good for you for going back to the gym. For future reference if you happen to find yourself in that predicament again, only collar one side. That way you can dump the plates if you don't have a spotter.

Well written and funny lmao, that sucked tho. I'd die from embarrassment, specially on acid. I'm glad you throw the dosing in there casually too. How it lead to self improvement thinking. PSYDELICS ARE THE FUTURE. Haha but good shit bro. Hope it doesn't discourage a next time.

"Start on the low side at around 160lb"
Damn son. I'm 6'0 210ish (mostly fat, not muscle) and I wouldn't even start at 2 plates (110ish? Can never quite remember if the bar is 21lbs) to avoid this same scenario. Could maAaaaaybe do 2-3 reps before getting jelly armed

i don't think I've ever laughed so hard reading something on reddit. This was absolutely amazing. Oh, and the way you described it in such glorious detail, absolutely amazing! Ive recently been thinking of maybe hitting the gym to lose the large amount of baby weight i gained when i was pregnant (my child is going on THREE btw), i think now i may reconsider, as much like you, i have no fucking clue where to start.

I’m trying to picture how the guy who helped you with reracking would have pulled that off. Only thing that comes to mind given the position of the bar (stomach would be midway through the bench) and the weight (160 lbs would require both arms and some leg / back strength) is he would have had to assume a “straddle” position over you to lift and move it back to the rack?

You got this man, just start smaller this time. After not going to the gym for a year I did 30 push ups and couldn’t lift my arms for 3 days, it’s embarrassing but you’ll get your strength back if you keep it up.

I would always go with my mate bit decided on a Saturday by myself. On the incline press, I put on my normal weights and thought I could squeeze one more out but just got stuck near my chin on the press back up. I squirmed like a fucker getting that up and it zapped every bit of energy out if me but I managed it. I had to get my right arm up first into the lowest rung and then slide my hand along to the left and move it up into the same rung. Then kind of limbo out from an inclined position. Thank God it was empty. It wasn't graceful at all.

I learned to do more reps at lower weight on my own when nobody was there to spot me.

I doubt a "very small man" would be able to effortlessly grab 160 lb on a barbell and lift it from your groin area to the rack, which would be a couple feet back and a foot and a half up, and with proper lifting form (which would be necessary for him to lift that much) would place his taint right on top of your face.

Nah man. Don’t be embarrassed by the clap. Although it was embarrassing, I’m sure everybody else just saw it as you acknowledging your fuckup and resigning yourself to the fact that there was no graceful exit.

I literally nod to myself and quietly say alright often when I make a social spectacle. Its the way to walk it off. Honestly the clap seems like the strangest part, but in a gym it could be appropriate.

Dropped the bar on myself about 2 months ago. You could add 10 extra pounds and all of a sudden that is the difference needed for your body to not be able to. Bar was only loaded with 185 and on my chest for a second but it still left a purple bruised line. Thankfully a guy was helping me within 10 seconds of the "i cant roll it, im stuck" realization.

When I was a freshman in high school I tried to bench with some guys at track practice. This is when i realized how little and weak I was because I just figured id put up the same amount as everyone else...NOPE! I couldnt get it up once. Instead my arm gave out which lead to all the weight on one side sliding off and them of course the whole bar snapped back the other way and all the weight flew off the other side. As a freshman in high school who just made enough noise that everyone stopped and stared all Inwanted to do was to curl up and die.

In my martial arts gym, we were pushing ourselves hard, and farts were not exactly common, but weren't paid attention to, since it just happened. Happened to everyone, everyone understood how and why it happened, wasn't a big deal.

Truth be told, we were a tight group, same people 3 days a week for months. I assume someone coming in first time would laugh their ass off... Until they got their stomach walked on while lying down or suffering a particularly tricky hook to the side that they didn't entirely expect and tensed up.

Essentially yeah it's what people will laugh at but isn't uncommon or shameful. What is shameful is that you grossly overestimated your strength without going for quite low weight. Bench press ain't no joke, I could lift 120kg but managed to permanently fuck my shoulder up with 85kg because I went at it right away.

While all this was embarrassing and funny, remember that many successful people are able to laugh at themselves. I hope you are able to do that and move on and get healthy. If the gym scares you just do body weight push ups etc at home to build up some strength

Not gonna sift through all these comments. Just have to say that I cried laughing through most of that. Well done sir. And the bubble guts after a good trip are horrible so I know the sounds you so eloquently described. This story is just so relatable as well as well written. Hilariously done.

Yo this is a real safety issue with bench press, especially people that lift alone. People have died in the same situation. You should never clip the sides of the weights when you bench. If you fail your rep (it happens, it should happen if you are pushing yourself) and you don't have a spotter or a bar to catch the barbell over your chest, then roll the bar to the side to let the weights fall off. It will make a shit ton of noise and you will be embarrassed but you will be ok! Also lol at The Clap. Go back to the gym op no one will remember what happened.

lucky shit didn't happen that day, lol. thanks for the belly laugh. honestly, you should have stayed and finished your workout. go back and just start w/ low weights and adjust up as you feel more comfortable.

OP, try benching 80% of your max on a Smith machine. Will help you establish a better baseline of progress and you'll be able to train without having to worry about balancing the weight of the bar, too.

Ouch man, I had a similar incident. Was really out of shape and decided to hit the exercise bike with full energy without warming up, stretching, drinking water, etc... I didnt cool down and decided to get up abruptly. I felt the walls closing in as I started to pass out. I went to the bicep machine and pretended to do a rep. I woke up with someone stretching out my legs and someone else taking my pulse. I was ok, people around me were very nice, i didnt hear laughter but this one girl looked disgusted and disappointed lol. So i switched gyms 🤣

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time, and the clap is such a hilarious way of responding that I think it's perfect. Cause you didn't crumple up and slink away, you just handled it with humor and peaced out. Fucking hilarious. I would go to the gym with you anytime!

Years ago I was spotting my dad during a bench press set. His first 3-4 reps went business as usual. Then every time the bar came down near his chest "brap" "brap" "brap" I can't help but start laughing. Next thing I know I'm getting yelled at for ruining his set.

Man, I so feel for you. My most mortifying elementary school memory-- the day they made our classmates hold our feet while we did situps. And I had the same damn thing happen. I didn't get away from that until I left for high school.

The clap! Oh my God the clap! I feel my own face burn humiliation. I don't even care if this story is true or not, your writing makes me want to believe. Keep up the good work and maybe wait a bit longer after you trip next time you decide to work on that "beautiful plus size body".

Reminds me of when I was an awkward 7th grade girl trying out for the school play and all the popular kids were sitting in a circle around the room for auditions and I let out a very loud braaap! I looked to my left and popular girl #1 is staring at me. Look to my right and popular boy #2 is staring at me. I just looked at my crossed legs, turned beet red and proceeded to land the most embarrassing roll in the school.

Don't let a set back like this prevent you from pursuing your goals. Everyone that starts working out has had failures on some level. I've been pinned to the bench myself. While your situation may have been embarrassing, you should be commended for having the initiative to show up in the first place. In a world where our health has become an after thought (or no thought at all) you made a decision to better yourself.