Summer Progress Report

My decision to detain your delinquent charge for the first month of the summer recess has met with mixed results. On the positive side, he claims to have "almost completed" the homework assignment due April 30th, and has turned in what he maintains are the titles (poorly alphabetized, I might add) to a "poetry collection set to music" entitled Goliath. They are as follows:

- Comedian

- Double Negative

- Goliath

- Happy Go Lazy

- In Layers

- Moonshot

- Only A Ride

- Rubberneck

- Standing In Line

- A Life Preserved (which he categorized as a "new recording")

- As Yet Untitled

On the negative side, he refuses to show me the actual poems — citing "executive privilege" — and further insists that the musical settings are being developed with a "band" of friends named Peter, James and John. (If he's going to invent three imaginary friends, surely he can invent three more original names — as punishment I've added an extra week of detention.)

Stephen continues a pattern of obfuscation when confronted with simple math problems. In response to the question, "If a thousand people order t-shirts and only nine hundred arrive in the mail, how many are left shirtless?" he tore his P.E. garments in distress and cried to the heavens in Aramaic. Then he held up ten trembling fingers and asked me to "add zeroes to taste." (I didn't appreciate the sarcasm, so I added another week of detention.)

Finally, Stephen asked me if he could have a day off this Saturday to take his imaginary band on a field trip to something he calls AudioFeed in Urbana, Illinois. (I told him no, of course, and if he sneaks out I'll add another week of detention to go with his bad attitude.)

In summary, Stephen will remain in detention indefinitely until his homework has been fully completed and turned in. I'll issue a release date as soon as possible, as I have a cruise planned for mid August.

Yours truly,

Velma Aryan, MA

P.S. Stephen begged me to send a message to his "backers" that they should all have now received their t-shirts in the mail, and if they haven't, please contact him via his Kickstarter home page on the World Wide Web. I don't like being mocked, so I've taken away his internet privileges and added another week of detention.

Happy Canada Day! So many witty and wise comments! Such a pleasure to read! If you left a comment about not receiving your shirt: 1) Thank you; 2) We'll resend ASAP; and 3) If it hasn't arrived by next week, "contact me" from the Kickstarter home page and we'll conduct an internal investigation. See you at AudioFeed!

Broken vows are like broken mirrors. They leave those who held to them bleeding and staring at fractured images of themselves... (Wow, that was deep, wasn't it?! Thank you, author Richard Paul Evans). You just lost a letter grade, Steve-o!! :-p

Once upon an average morn an average boy...laughed for the countless time (at Steve Taylor's hilarious musings which he pens about his odysseys). Love it. Too funny. Can't wait for the album, guys, and to see you rock in concert. We're pumped in the PNW. Take your time, but at the same time, we can't wait...

I have raised 5 children bad currently have a 2 year old grandson. When they were in trouble they tried their best to come off as cute and innocent. Depending on the offense it may or may not have worked. Congrats Steve - you can still pull it off in your 50's and people who paid you good money will not hold you accountable. That's why kickstarter works because deadlines are mere whisps in the wind.

Goliath. Awesome rollercoaster at Six Flags Great America Gurnee ILL-annoy. We actually stood in line for 3-1/2 hours. They were having technical difficulties. It was worth it though. Look it up on YouTube. :-) fastest woody in the world.

Dear Steve, Mrs. Aryan said to contact you if I havent received a t shirt yet. At the risk if causing more detention for you, I am doing so now, because I am afraid of a woman like that! If somehow, when I get home later today, I find a shirt in the mailbox, I'll be wondering how my neighbor's take-out laundry got in my mailbox. I hope Mrs.A hasn't got you on bread and water, as you will need your strength to go to complete your assignment. If shifts are available, I'd like a 2XLso that when Thanksgiving comes around I'll still be abke ti wear it, even if it has gravy stains on it. Best of luck! Yours, Bob

I heard from a reliable source in the teachers' lounge that Stephen also allowed Peter to turn in "Sun and Shield" as part of a recent assignment when it was originally part of Stephen's poetry collection. I think Stephen should consider including this poem in his own collection regardless of the awkwardness of having it appear in both boys' work.

I've still not received my T-shirt yet, my teacher says she refuses to accept the excuse that it's lost in the post in the same way as my homework was eaten by the dog.
I have been told I need to stop wearing a 'Jesus is for losers' top but refuse to do gym classes in only my pants! C minus