GIF: Fan catches ball in beer, gleefully consumes said beer

While the sadly typical modernist may find himself preoccupied with the theory of "peak oil," in which we begin to exhaust our sources of petroleum, the superior and right-wise modernist finds himself concerned with "peak alcohol," in which we begin to exhaust our sources of life-giving and life-sustaining potable ethanol. The proper response to the night sweats that necessarily result in thinking too much about peak alcohol is to cherish every drop, much as one cherishes a baby's first smile or news that the local auto dealership has once again purchased too much inventory.

On this urgent topic, a man -- nay, a gentleman -- at Wednesday night's Astros-Mariners hostilities did not let the reality of a soiled baseball in his cup of wholesome alcohol stop him from choking down said alcohol with the zeal of a revival-goer. Please admire the kind of pluck and dedication to cause upon which our republic was built: