Archive for February, 2005

Before we enter our new exhibit, we at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches would like to apologize for the lack of an exhibit last month. The media has reported that we were experiencing plumbing problems, but as loyal museum members, we felt we owed you the truth. And now that the epidemic has been contained, we can finally share the facts. Unfortunately, we experienced a serious outbreak of yarn sores in January. It was a tragic, yet eerily cheerful scene as this acrylic plague tore through our offices and galleries.

Everyone was covered in colorful tufts, from the receptionist to the security guards. Believe us when we say that a guard covered in fuzzy, rainbow-colored puffballs is not an effective deterrent to would-be thieves. Our receptionist, Tammy, on the other hand, really enjoyed herself and coordinated outfits to match her daily outcropping of fluffy sores. Eventually the Center for Disease Control had to become involved. Armed with sweater shavers, they worked tirelessly until the problem was eradicated. We have all received vaccinations and do not expect another outbreak. We do, however, expect Tammy to continue pouting. We all appreciate your patience during this trying time.

And now, we are proud to present a brand new exhibit that is of a very personal nature. Our very own Stitchy McYarnpants recently attended the McYarnpants family reunion and has documented it so we may all share in her rich family tradition. Join us in the We Are Fam-i-ly Cafe, will you?
___

As I entered the Knits of Columbus* hall, the sound of the Pointer Sisters’ We Are Family pounded through the air. I immediately turned around, got back into my car and drove home. After 20 minutes of furious pacing in my living room, I returned to the McYarnpants family reunion. The Pointer Sisters were still going on about their sisters and them. It was going to be a long night. As usual, very few of the McYarnpants men bothered to show up, which left me wondering if they had switched to wearing khakis and were ashamed.

*The Knits of Columbus was founded by my great grandfather, Zachariah McYarnpants.

The first McYarnpant to accost me was the swinging divorcee, Mandy McYarnpants. Since splitting with her ex-husband, Irving, she’s gotten waaay back into her roots. She only wears what she can knit. She’s working in a pair of lopi platform sandals to achieve complete yarnification. Unfortunatley for all of us, Mandy has never mastered the art of knitting undergarments. I hastily excused myself and tried not to gawk as she boogied down and flopped around.

As I turned, I ran right into Helen McYarnpants. A very distant and mysterious cousin, she prides herself on the geometry of her pantsuits. “My legs look like perfect tubes” she whispered, as she gently touched my face with her gloved hands. “The lines match up perfectly on the arms and the tubes.” She pulled my face close and confided “The bottom of the sweater is equidistant with the space between the stripes.” And with that, she drifted away. It was one of the more pleasant encounters I would have that evening.

A drink was overdue at this point, so I headed to the cash bar. Seated in the lounge was Aunt Sassy (her real name is Stacey, but everyone calls her Sassy). Ever the sex kitten, she hasn’t aged a day since anyone can remember. Oddly, she always appears somewhat monochromatic, but it looks good on her. “Well if it isn’t little Stitchy.” she purred, “Why don’t you get Aunt Sassy another Irish Coffee and tell me all about it.” Unsure about what “it” was, I complied and spent the better part of our conversation watching her primp and posture. The woman can really work a pair of wool leggings, I’ll give her that. Fantastic ribs and cabled striping. She’s a helluva McYarnpant. But she has an unnerving way of looking at you like you’re a tasty chicken leg, so I moved on.

In the corner, I saw my cousin Barbie McYarnpants and her brother Ken. Uh-oh, did I just let loose with a deep dark family secret?

Nearby, I was surprised to see the black sheep of our family, Trisha McYarnpants. Also known among the cousins as “Trashy McNopants”. Her mother disowned her, but apparently she’s still on the family email list.

And then it happened. The one person I didn’t want to see was suddenly filling my entire field of vision. It was my uncle Bibba’s third wife, Mitzi Stiffle-McYarnpants. Mitzi is the cute-n-spunky drummer for The Giggles. They make upbeat music about self-esteem and proper hygiene. When I asked if it was music for kids, she squeaked and said, “No, silly. It’s for EVERYbody!” and poked my nose with her drumstick. She also believes that humans can fly if they love enough. She never stops trying. I have no idea what her outfit was knit from, but she was leaving strange marks everywhere she sat. I think it might have been a cheddar/sandpaper blend.

She had her kids in tow, as well. Here’s little Oompah.

And this is Loompah and Verouca.

Mitzi has issues.

Luckily, I was rescued by my niece, Erin McYarnpants. She’s a sweet girl, despite the fact that ever since a nasty bump on the head she thinks she’s a true leprechaun. She’s always on about rainbows and clovers and pots o’ gold and her burning hate for Jennifer Aniston. I’m not really sure where the lederhosen fit into the whole thing, but I’m sure she has her own reasons. However, when I got a look at those fantastic boots, well, her luck ran out. I slipped her a Mickey and when she was unconscious, I took off with them.

Don’t worry, I didn’t drug her, I got her stuck in a conversation with Mickey McYarnpants, the most annoying girl in the world.

I’ll give you one guess about what she likes to talk about. All the time. Without stopping. The big-wigs at Disney have actually sent her cease and desist letters. All of the costumed characters at the parks have restraining orders against her. She’s even banned from owning pet mice (this is a long and disturbing story). She was especially proud of her new outfit and explained as she danced to the Pointer Sisters. You see, it looks just like frosting on a cake! A Mickey Mouse cake! It’s Mickey Mouse just the greatest? Her favorite kinds of cakes are ones with pictures of Mickey Mouse on them. Her favorite kind of anything is the kind with Mickey Mouse on it. She thought it would be great if Mickey Mouse were singing We Are Family instead of the Pointer Sisters. She wishes Mickey Mouse was part of our family. Then he would have been there that night. This was about when Erin hit the floor and I got a new pair of boots. And baby, those boots were made for walking, so I walked right out the door.

On the way out, this old family photo was on the wall, so I started running and never looked back.

Thanks for joining me on this adventure! In the immortal words of Dorothy Parker, “This wasn’t just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”

Before we enter our new exhibit, we at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches would like to apologize for the lack of an exhibit last month. The media has reported that we were experiencing plumbing problems, but as loyal museum members, we felt we owed you the truth. And now that the epidemic has been contained, we can finally share the facts. Unfortunately, we experienced a serious outbreak of yarn sores in January. It was a tragic, yet eerily cheerful scene as this acrylic plague tore through our offices and galleries. Everyone was covered in colorful tufts, from the receptionist to the security guards. Believe us when we say that a guard covered in fuzzy, rainbow-colored puffballs is not an effective deterrent to would-be thieves. Our receptionist, Tammy, on the other hand, really enjoyed herself and coordinated outfits to match her daily outcropping of fluffy sores. Eventually the Center for Disease Control had to become involved. Armed with sweater shavers, they worked tirelessly until the problem was eradicated. We have all received vaccinations and do not expect another outbreak. We do, however, expect Tammy to continue pouting. We all appreciate your patience during this trying time.

And now, we are proud to present a brand new exhibit that is of a very personal nature. Our very own Stitchy McYarnpants recently attended the McYarnpants family reunion and has documented it so we may all share in her rich family tradition. Join us in the We Are Fam-i-ly Cafe, will you?
___

As I entered the Knits of Columbus* hall, the sound of the Pointer Sisters’ We Are Family pounded through the air. I immediately turned around, got back into my car and drove home. After 20 minutes of furious pacing in my living room, I returned to the McYarnpants family reunion. The Pointer Sisters were still going on about their sisters and them. It was going to be a long night. As usual, very few of the McYarnpants men bothered to show up, which left me wondering if they had switched to wearing khakis and were ashamed.

*The Knits of Columbus was founded by my great grandfather, Zachariah McYarnpants.

The first McYarnpant to accost me was the swinging divorcee, Mandy McYarnpants. Since splitting with her ex-husband, Irving, she’s gotten waaay back into her roots. She only wears what she can knit. She’s working in a pair of lopi platform sandals to achieve complete yarnification. Unfortunatley for all of us, Mandy has never mastered the art of knitting undergarments. I hastily excused myself and tried not to gawk as she boogied down and flopped around.

As I turned, I ran right into Helen McYarnpants. A very distant and mysterious cousin, she prides herself on the geometry of her pantsuits. “My legs look like perfect tubes” she whispered, as she gently touched my face with her gloved hands. “The lines match up perfectly on the arms and the tubes.” She pulled my face close and confided “The bottom of the sweater is equidistant with the space between the stripes.” And with that, she drifted away. It was one of the more pleasant encounters I would have that evening.

A drink was overdue at this point, so I headed to the cash bar. Seated in the lounge was Aunt Sassy (her real name is Stacey, but everyone calls her Sassy). Ever the sex kitten, she hasn’t aged a day since anyone can remember. Oddly, she always appears somewhat monochromatic, but it looks good on her. “Well if it isn’t little Stitchy.” she purred, “Why don’t you get Aunt Sassy another Irish Coffee and tell me all about it.” Unsure about what “it” was, I complied and spent the better part of our conversation watching her primp and posture. The woman can really work a pair of wool leggings, I’ll give her that. Fantastic ribs and cabled striping. She’s a helluva McYarnpant. But she has an unnerving way of looking at you like you’re a tasty chicken leg, so I moved on.

In the corner, I saw my cousin Barbie McYarnpants and her brother Ken. Uh-oh, did I just let loose with a deep dark family secret?

Nearby, I was surprised to see the black sheep of our family, Trisha McYarnpants. Also known among the cousins as “Trashy McNopants”. Her mother disowned her, but apparently she’s still on the family email list.

And then it happened. The one person I didn’t want to see was suddenly filling my entire field of vision. It was my uncle Bibba’s third wife, Mitzi Stiffle-McYarnpants. Mitzi is the cute-n-spunky drummer for The Giggles. They make upbeat music about self-esteem and proper hygiene. When I asked if it was music for kids, she squeaked and said, “No, silly. It’s for EVERYbody!” and poked my nose with her drumstick. She also believes that humans can fly if they love enough. She never stops trying. I have no idea what her outfit was knit from, but she was leaving strange marks everywhere she sat. I think it might have been a cheddar/sandpaper blend.

She had her kids in tow, as well. Here’s little Oompah.

And this is Loompah and Verouca.

Mitzi has issues.

Luckily, I was rescued by my niece, Erin McYarnpants. She’s a sweet girl, despite the fact that ever since a nasty bump on the head she thinks she’s a true leprechaun. She’s always on about rainbows and clovers and pots o’ gold and her burning hate for Jennifer Aniston. I’m not really sure where the lederhosen fit into the whole thing, but I’m sure she has her own reasons. However, when I got a look at those fantastic boots, well, her luck ran out. I slipped her a Mickey and when she was unconscious, I took off with them.

Don’t worry, I didn’t drug her, I got her stuck in a conversation with Mickey McYarnpants, the most annoying girl in the world.

I’ll give you one guess about what she likes to talk about. All the time. Without stopping. The big-wigs at Disney have actually sent her cease and desist letters. All of the costumed characters at the parks have restraining orders against her. She’s even banned from owning pet mice (this is a long and disturbing story). She was especially proud of her new outfit and explained as she danced to the Pointer Sisters. You see, it looks just like frosting on a cake! A Mickey Mouse cake! It’s Mickey Mouse just the greatest? Her favorite kinds of cakes are ones with pictures of Mickey Mouse on them. Her favorite kind of anything is the kind with Mickey Mouse on it. She thought it would be great if Mickey Mouse were singing We Are Family instead of the Pointer Sisters. She wishes Mickey Mouse was part of our family. Then he would have been there that night. This was about when Erin hit the floor and I got a new pair of boots. And baby, those boots were made for walking, so I walked right out the door.

‚

On the way out, this old family photo was on the wall, so I started running and never looked back.

‚

Thanks for joining me on this adventure! In the immortal words of Dorothy Parker, “This wasn’t just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”

Holy crap! Almost three weeks gone and you’re still here. Thanks! You’ll never believe what’s been going on. It’s been quite a time, let me tell you. First, I was locked in Sam’s meat locker with Bobby and Greg. Man it was cold and those two are total whiners! It’s a good thing Bobby is such a shrimp, otherwise he never would have fit out the window. And since he was the one who shut the door in the first place, he pretty much had to or Greg and I would have killed and butchered him for Sam’s special of the day.

When we finally got out, we all went on a vacation to Hawaii together. You know, to take the edge off. Well, it turns out we were cursed by some ridiculous tchotchke. Yes, it’s clearly the tiki’s fault that there was a spider on the tropical island. And heaven forbid we should all just admit that Greg may not be the greatest surfer in the universe. Yes, let’s all blame the knick-knack from the hotel’s gift shop. But meeting Vincent Price was awesome. I totally thought he was dead.

So after that whole fiasco, Jan became delusional and thought she was dating a boy named George Glass. It was really sad. She actually made arrangements to have the operator call the house so everyone would think she was getting hot and heavy with “George” on the other line. Pathetic. Honey, I don’t think it’s the freckles that are scaring people away. It was almost as bad as that time Cindy had a psychotic break and thought she was Shirley Temple or when Marcia thought her dentist was hitting on her. I think maybe Carol wasn’t as careful with her pregnancies as she should have been, if you know what I mean.

Well, when Mike and Carol finally got everyone’s meds straight, this little kid named Oliver showed up and he looked like trouble, so I got the hell out of there.

So since I’ve been back, I’ve done some knitting. I am in the very unfortunate position of having someone to make a chemo cap for. My friend’s mom has lymphoma and is going back in for treatment. She will be having more than her share of no-hair days in the weeks to come. I figured she could use a fun little hat and scarf set. The hat uses a single ball of Berroco Chinchilla and since I used two colors, I used the leftovers for a little scarf. Here is a free pattern for the chemo cap. I casted on a few times using a cable cast-on so the edge would have some stretch to it and just didn’t think that size 9 needles were going to make the hat big enough. The row of 60 stitches just looked so short. I switched to size 10 needles and still had my doubts, but lo and behold, the thing grew. I probably would have been fine with the 9s. When I showed it to some friends, they each wanted a set, and I’m going to make one for my mom, too. I’ve never dared to use double-pointed needles, but I had to switch from circulars at the very end. All I can say is that I need practice.

‚

I’m also chugging along on the Stitch n Bitch Hoodie. I’m hoping to have it done by next weekend, but we’ll see what happens. My mother-in-law is coming next weekend and we’re going to collect my mother and head to Patterworks on Sunday! Wheeee . . . I mean, I’m on a yarn diet, but I’m sure it will be pleasant to just do some browsing. 😉

The color in this picture is washed out, but this is the front, back, and finished sleeve. I just have a sleeve and a hood to go.

‚

And here is Mike helping me show off the front pocket. I’m very proud of this part. It came out way better that I thought it would.

‚

And here is a random bit of cuteness to help you on your way. Behold the Chloe sandwich!

‚

Oh, by the way. On my way back from Hawaii, I stopped by the Museum of Kitschy Stitches. They sorted out the plumbing problem (apparently all of the toilets exploded last month and they had to cancel the exhibit), and it looked like they were putting the finishing touches on a brand new gallery!

Holy crap! Almost three weeks gone and you’re still here. Thanks! You’ll never believe what’s been going on. It’s been quite a time, let me tell you. First, I was locked in Sam’s meat locker with Bobby and Greg. Man it was cold and those two are total whiners! It’s a good thing Bobby is such a shrimp, otherwise he never would have fit out the window. And since he was the one who shut the door in the first place, he pretty much had to or Greg and I would have killed and butchered him for Sam’s special of the day.

When we finally got out, we all went on a vacation to Hawaii together. You know, to take the edge off. Well, it turns out we were cursed by some ridiculous tchotchke. Yes, it’s clearly the tiki’s fault that there was a spider on the tropical island. And heaven forbid we should all just admit that Greg may not be the greatest surfer in the universe. Yes, let’s all blame the knick-knack from the hotel’s gift shop. But meeting Vincent Price was awesome. I totally thought he was dead.

So after that whole fiasco, Jan became delusional and thought she was dating a boy named George Glass. It was really sad. She actually made arrangements to have the operator call the house so everyone would think she was getting hot and heavy with “George” on the other line. Pathetic. Honey, I don’t think it’s the freckles that are scaring people away. It was almost as bad as that time Cindy had a psychotic break and thought she was Shirley Temple or when Marcia thought her dentist was hitting on her. I think maybe Carol wasn’t as careful with her pregnancies as she should have been, if you know what I mean.

Well, when Mike and Carol finally got everyone’s meds straight, this little kid named Oliver showed up and he looked like trouble, so I got the hell out of there.

So since I’ve been back, I’ve done some knitting. I am in the very unfortunate position of having someone to make a chemo cap for. My friend’s mom has lymphoma and is going back in for treatment. She will be having more than her share of no-hair days in the weeks to come. I figured she could use a fun little hat and scarf set. The hat uses a single ball of Berroco Chinchilla and since I used two colors, I used the leftovers for a little scarf. Here is a free pattern for the chemo cap. I casted on a few times using a cable cast-on so the edge would have some stretch to it and just didn’t think that size 9 needles were going to make the hat big enough. The row of 60 stitches just looked so short. I switched to size 10 needles and still had my doubts, but lo and behold, the thing grew. I probably would have been fine with the 9s. When I showed it to some friends, they each wanted a set, and I’m going to make one for my mom, too. I’ve never dared to use double-pointed needles, but I had to switch from circulars at the very end. All I can say is that I need practice.

‚

I’m also chugging along on the Stitch n Bitch Hoodie. I’m hoping to have it done by next weekend, but we’ll see what happens. My mother-in-law is coming next weekend and we’re going to collect my mother and head to Patterworks on Sunday! Wheeee . . . I mean, I’m on a yarn diet, but I’m sure it will be pleasant to just do some browsing. 😉

The color in this picture is washed out, but this is the front, back, and finished sleeve. I just have a sleeve and a hood to go.

‚

And here is Mike helping me show off the front pocket. I’m very proud of this part. It came out way better that I thought it would.

‚

And here is a random bit of cuteness to help you on your way. Behold the Chloe sandwich!

‚

Oh, by the way. On my way back from Hawaii, I stopped by the Museum of Kitschy Stitches. They sorted out the plumbing problem (apparently all of the toilets exploded last month and they had to cancel the exhibit), and it looked like they were putting the finishing touches on a brand new gallery!

Welp, I’ve been slapped with a meme. Thanks, Ms. Melanie. What’s a girl to do? Answer, I guess.

1. Total amount of music files on your computer?

A lot. Gigs and Gigs of it. I recently transferred most of my CDs, so I have a large library of music on my computer.

2. The last CD you bought was:

A bunch of Christmas CDs from the grocery store, including: James Brown, Dean Martin, The Brady Bunch, Dolly Parton, and Cyndi Lauper.

3. What is the song you last listened to before reading this message?

A stirring medley of Cream’s greatest hits performed by Howard, Artie, and Fred on the Howard Stern show this morning (I know, I know, but sometimes it’s funny. The Cream thing was great.)

4. Write down 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:

Wow. This is hard. I go through phases and have tons of favorite songs. I’m going to throw some extras in. These are in no particular order and if I made this list tomorrow, it would probably be different.

-Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley. Achingly beautiful.
-I Am Not a Pretty Girl Ani DeFranco. Go on, sistergirl!
-This Will Be (an Everlasting Love) Natalie Cole. Pure joy in a handy 3-minute package.
-Red Right Hand Nick Cave. I love the classic spooky vibe in this one.
-Every Little Thing Raul Malo. This song is smokin’ hot.
-Rock and Roll Suicide David Bowie (or Ziggy Stardust, I suppose). Glam rock drama at its finest.
-Jockey Full of Bourbon Tom Waits. I always imagine this song being used at a ballroom dance competition. It’s kind of a slow rumba. (Tom Waits would always be on this list, but the song depends on the day)
-Let’s Go Crazy Prince. Freaking awesome song. I toyed with the idea of having our wedding vows start with the lyrics to the beginning of this song.