2.03.2007

Midwestern Hair

I have been asked by several readers of my last post if I wouldn't mind further explaining the concept (or perhaps my concept) of Midwestern hair.

I swear, I'm not one of those New Yorkers who discusses "flyover states" without irony, or says things like, You're from Idaho! No way, do you know Bob from Ohio? But there is such a thing as Midwestern hair, even if not all Midwesterners have it. It's a fact. Just like there's a New York accent or a California tan or a Texas inclination to put minor felons to death.

Truth be told, you don't even have to be Midwestern to have Midwestern hair.

The Patron Saint of Midwestern Hair. Cue the harps.

Midwestern hair is a cut that just misses (at best). It generally incorporates style tricks from a decade or two earlier, like angled overgrown sideburns in front of the ears or a spikey top with shorter sides. Or perhaps it's just a sad helmet-looking thing that hangs there over your head as if it weren't even attached to your scalp in the first place. The word shellack comes to mind.

To say nothing of the color. The word shellack comes to mind.

Indiana hair. For real.

South Dakota hair.

Of course living on a coast does not guarantee one a spectacular haircut, I assure you. I know my own hair is hopelessly inadequate. It always has been, ever since my mid-80s Ducky 'do. Or even sooner. There's one photo in my baby album of a 3 year-old me, just out of the pool, with an opaque mess of dark unnatural looking curls parted down the center, falling into my face and covering it in spotty patches. Years later I came across the photo and asked my mother whether I was wearing her wig.

Indeed, my hair is my beauty cross to bear, which is why I work the cleavage. Much rather you look there. However since in New York we pay six times as much for a cut--or sometimes 32 times more for it--we feel entitled to act as if we look better than everyone else.

Orange County Mom Hair looks great on the over-70 set!

NYC hair. Don't look directly at it - use a mirror for your own safety.

However we do have one thing in NYC that other cities don't: Better hair salon names.

Our salon owners, for the most part, seem to save their creativity for the inside of the salon and simply use their names for the outside. But in smaller towns and cities, wow, you just can't beat the salon names.

I've always loved driving through unfamiliar places and checking out the name of beauty establishments. They are simply the best in any retail category, bar none. And because I am a total freak whose mind works in absolutely useless ways, I mentally categorize them, if not actually jotting them down somewhere.

First of all, there are the cliche names that you see absolutely everywhere: A Cut Above. Shear Elegance. Mane Expressions. Pizzazz. Foxy Lady.

Don't believe me? Google "foxy lady" and hair, and you get 124,000 hits.

Then there are the fast and loose spellings which seem to permeate this retail category like no other: Nogginz. Sassi Styles. Topp Notch Hair. Changez. Kutterz. Hairdooz. These are also the people whose children are named Madysynne and Tymythy, no doubt.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why Topp Notch Hair was chosen over Top Notch Hair. Maybe the latter was already taken?

This summer when we were driving down from Raleigh/Durham to Carolina Beach, I caught perhaps my favorite name ever: Best Little Hairhouse. It absolutely works as a pun. Do I want to go to the best little hairhouse? Why, yes! Yes I do! Other salons are not so smart about their puns. I can only imagine what hair do's and don'ts occur at the following establishments:

Scissor Happy, Lowell, AR"Take just a little off the si...no? Um, okay."

Doc Scissors, Boise, IDThey make you wear those paper gowns.

Tangles Hair, Freemont, NCBring the kids!

Anything Goes for Hair, Omaha, NEIs this a good thing?

Fanny Brice Salon, Reynoldsburg, OHEvidently that other contemporary style icon, Ethel Merman, was already taken.All About Nails! Columbus, NEThe first place you should think of for a cut and color.

Curl up and Dye, Logan, WVIt just gives every customer a warm fuzzy feeling.

Headgames, Madison, WIMaybe we'll give you the cut you want...maybe not. You'll know when you take off the blindfold.

Although there is one single worst name for a salon that I uncovered this morning while searching for hair salons. I kid you not, this is an actual place, and more frightening yet, it's a chain. I saw it time and time again, in cities across America from coast to coast. I beg of you, go someplace, anyplace else. Please. For me. For the children.

The midwest also dresses "midwest". The Husband is from Chicago and every time we visit for a long time (more than 3 days -- which is all that I can handle my ILs for) I work in our Chicago office. I always think "midwest dress" when I am in Chicago. It is just not quite "right". And this is coming from a fashion-moron! I think it is department store dressing rather than shopping the small boutiques like most people do in NYC. Weird though.

Not necessarily WRONG (like mullet wrong), but just not quite right either. I thought was the only one who noticed this.

My in-laws are Midwesterners and they use so much hairspray that if they dunked their heads under water, their curled helmets would still be in tact when they came up for air. They also wear mom jeans with pockets so big they also use it to carry around their casserole dishes.

Here in Columbus, we also have a Best Little Hair House. Although we also have The Chop Shop, Brett's Of Coarse Hair Salon, Aftermath, Final Cut, and Hair Raisers.

My hair certainly can't be compared to any of the pictures you used, but it certainly isn't high fashion, either. It's hard to find a good salon in town that won't butcher my hair, but won't charge more than my mortgage to make me look good.

Oh my goodness, you're all making me laugh so hard! Christina - Aftermath? Seriously? Dutch - Bladerunners totally works on Haight Street. Maybe not so much on Main Street.

Stephanie T- Yes yes YES! When I searched around, that Shear_____ thing was everywhere. Makes you wonder whether they think they're being original or just don't really have the time to come up with something else.

Oh-so-many years ago, I got a Bride of Frankenstein perm at JC Penney. I actually returned a week later to have it straightened! Oh boy, it was bad. And that was back before I discovered fitness and health, so the way-too-curly 'do only accented my Popeye's Chicken cheeks! Ugh.

OK, I grew up and MOVED away from a little town in Idaho that has a Salon with the name, "Country Hair Illusion" For the life of me I can't figure out what that means. But the pictures in my head are priceless. It truly scares when I realized this same woman/salon owner used to substitute teach in our school system. Timely post,not more than 5 minutes ago I posted about my own hair angst.

OK, I grew up and MOVED away from a little town in Idaho that has a Salon with the name. "Country Hair Illusion" For the life of me I can't figure out what that means. But the pictures in my head are priceless. It truly scares when I realized this same woman/salon owner used to substitute teach in our school system. Timely post,not more than 5 minutes ago I posted about my own hair angst.

And I grew up in a town that had a Best Little Hairhouse. Sad, but true. Also sad, Midwest hair is sometimes really horrible but we've got some doozies around here too. It's called "Worcester Hair". Think big. Really big.

What did the Midwest do to hurt anybody? I assure you, not everyone in the Midwest looks like this, maybe the 40-55 age group like in the photos you posted but the under 40 set does not dress or style their hair like this. Especially not in Chicago.

Liz you slammed Milwaukee not too long ago. If you ever get sent back drop me a line, Ill show you the side you didn't see and I promise you won't even know you are in the Midwest.

You said it! And his name is Obama, not Osama (CNN's fairly egregious error). I've been posting about him to the effect that we should not believe the ridiculous argument that he is unelectable because he's black. That's what THEY (read: Republicans, or even Hillary's camp) want us to think. I am so with you here.

Unless there's another presidential candidate from Illinois I am missing?

We have many of those Midwestern-named salons here. I currently go to A Cut Above. Used to go to the Hairy Canary (painted almost entirely yellow, inside and out). We have many salon's named for the owner, too, but they are places like Delia's Touch of Beauty, and Paula's Styling.

My mom always referred to her salon, whatever its name actually was, as "the beauty shop" and she went in every Friday for a wash and set. Talk about midwestern hair...

You know, lovey - everytime I have Seen a JC penney with a salon, I have seriously wondered just WHO was getting their hair styled at Penneys.

I ain't no fashion maven - shit, it's taking like 8 years for my hair to grow back - but I can tell you if the salon is worth staying in about 4.7 seconds. Product. It is all about the product.I suspect that Garnier "Nutresse" is big at some of those salons....

P.S. There is a "Older Montreal woman" cut - -which is short, spiky and dyed an unnatural burgundy color. Just for your files....

As a midwesterner, and as a former JC Penney associate during my sophomore year in college, I have to ask whether or not you know this or whether I just don't get the joke, because JC Penney isn't a hair salon. It's a massive department store. You know, in the same mall as like, Macy's. (True, many of the JC Penney's out there do have salons in them.)

And really, I'd take JC Penney over the Kut 'n Kurl any day of the week.

In NYC, the names can be pretty bad. There's the "Dramatics" chain where one during college led to my face being burned by a curling iron (I know! It was the early 90s). After that I called it "Traumatics." Then, there is "L'Amour de Hair"-- gag.

You should do a series on breastfeeding shops' names throughout the US. There's the "Upper Breast Side" in honor of its Upper West side location in Manhattan. Then, there's the famed "Pumping Station" in LA. Those names naver fail to make me chuckle-- though I'm lame like that.

There used to be a salon here in Las Vegas called "Scissors Palace"...which I thought was a great play on words. Apparently though, the then-owners of Caesar's Palace, DID NOT like the play on words and sued the owner of Scissors Palace forcing him/her/them to change the name. I forget what they changed it too (obviously something less catchy as I stopped paying attention to the place), but it's gone now...burned down in a fire about 3 months ago.

I will admit that for my four years of high school, I got my hair cut at the local J.C.Penney's salon where a nice Japanese-American lady took care of my perm (it was the 80's after all). I don't think that any salon could really make 80's big hair look really good. ;)

I lived in Columbus, OH for two years and my biggest complaint beyond the weather was the fact that I COULD NOT get a good haircut. No matter how specific I was and how many times I changed stylists/salons my hair would end up square and mullety. I thought it was some kind of midwestern conspiracy to assimilate me into the collective and make me eat nothing but bratwurst for the rest of my life.Good luck out there, I hope you find what you need to get settled quickly.

Too funny, Mom101. I held my breath at the midwest hair part, being IN the midwest and all, although I am not FROM the midwest, which I am sure makes a difference. I do think you forgot, which you'll be thrilled to know still exists, the midwestern mom and women who wear bows in their hair. I think it has something to do with matching the floral dresses.

My best girlfriend lives in a little town in N. California, and their hair salons include, "the classy lassy", and "the beligerent duck". Not kidding. I told her if she ever calls me and tells me she went to such a place I was driving up there and rescuing her asap.

Now I'm all paranoid about getting my hair cut next weekend..I'll have to request it specifically not be midwest hair. Scary thing, hubby went to get his hair cut last week and the lady said mullets were coming back...I may have to move! I know those words would not be spoken in LA or NYC

Maybe it's due to the 90s when I went several years with The Rachel. I just got used to names for hair.

See, when I got my first haircut after moving to the Yonder Regions from the Northeast...I got LYNN CHENEY hair.

I see now you'd prefer that be named Midwest hair. (Where is Lynn from, anyway?)

I was deeply, deeply traumatized. That's what I get for going someplace called Beaute (with an accent). In fact, I can say no more at this time about it other than it was a hard two years. But I'm over it now, and found a lady from Jersey (I know, but honest, she's GOOD) who cuts my hair well.

I'm embarrassed to admit how much I spend on my hair. But it's part of living in NYC, isn't it? I can't be walking around with a $7.00 SuperCuts haircut. Even the homeless people wouldn't take me seriously!

Holy shit! I just laughed out loud at work! Not only because you are very funny but, mainly because we got our son's hair cut there last week (JCPenny!). Well, to be fair his Grammy did. He cried. And, I tried to do the whole, shut up it looks fine thing but, I just couldn't get it all out with a straight face. Poor kid he looked like Eddie Munster! Sidenote-I am such an awesome Mother that I still haven't gotten it fixed, thanks for the reminder!

This is by far the funniest post/blog I've ever read!!! Unfortunately I live about two miles from a salon named "Shear Elegance" - you can't miss it, they have a HUGE 20 foot vertical pair of scissors right outside their parking lot.

And thank you for the great comment!! Having two children 22 months apart - wow - you're in for a great ride! Hope you write about how things go. :-)

Wow. I LOVED this more than I can express. As a 40-year-old 'Third Culture Kid' (figure that age inconsistency out) who grew up on both coasts and overseas, I am woefully trapped in Indiana at the moment (not for much longer, if there is ANY kind of divine force in the universe.) I think I blew an aneurysm over your 'Indiana' entry. For the record, my hair fits no midwestern criteria - whew !- but the benefits of Hoosier Livin' are that this is a great place to people-watch, and that we have some of the best salon names in the land. I could go on for hours with examples, but my very favorite is 'BEAUX CHEVAUX.' (Granted, just one letter off, but the intended 'Beautiful Hair' immediately morphs into 'Beautiful Horses.' Somebody wasn't paying attention in French class...MY salon? 'Gorgeous'. Run by stylish girls from London (the one in England), no less.

Curl Up and Dye would be great for a place that specialized in punk/goth looks! I'd go! (Apologies if someone already made that comment. You have too many frickin' groupies and I can't read through them all. Good luck on your nominations! Yes, I'm jealous.)

Hmm... I'm wondering if you've ever actually been to the "Midwest" (which is a massive, diverse area of the U.S. (and Canada), variously defined, that almost never includes Idaho.. incidentally). I recently moved to the greasy, dated (not intentionally, hiply funky/retro, like you'll find in the Midwest) diner-filled swamp that is the Washington, D.C. metro area and find myself pining for the comparatively culinarily sophisticated, organic food-loving, "exotic" culinary term-knowing (I actually had a college kid from Joysey confess he'd never heard of "pico de gallo" before I'd asked him to leave it off of my California Tortilla [a D.C. chain] black bean/veggie burrito).

Please, keep on flying over those fly-over states (on your way from Jersey to San Jose, or wherever you're coming from/going to).

I'd go on to explain that helmet hair is a middle-aged female phenomenon that really has nothing to do with one particular geographic region, but I'm tired of talking to you.

I currently live in Chicago and I used to live in Manhattan. I think the women in Chicago are just as fashionable as you "East Coasters". What is the bias against the Midwest? The entire time I lived in NYC I had to deal with your snobbery. Enough already! Just because Chicago is far cleaner, more beautiful, and friendlier than NYC...? The more you criticize us the more I think to myself, "Jealous much?"

I just read this today. I am from & still live in Indiana. I went to a wedding in Indiana about a month ago. The bride is from New York (her parents moved here while she was in college; she followed them once she graduated).

On of her brothers & his wife are from New York & still live there. Well, the wife showed up at the wedding with a scrunchy in her hair. I about died and wondered why on earth someone from New York wouldn't know better than to wear a freakin' scrunchy EVER, let alone to your sister-in-law's wedding!!!

My mom had midwestern hair & did the every Friday salon thing when I was a kid. She's been dead almost 5 years now. What I wouldn't give to see her midwestern hair again. :)

okay, I know this is an old post, but it cracks me up - I AM from the midwest and had huge post-Farrah hair (some of which disappeared during a bad encounter with a bong, but that's another story) - but right here on 2nd avenue in Manhattan: Haironymous. As in, you know, Bosch. Why would you want to get your hair cut there, I'm wondering?

so, if you're wondering why i am commenting years after this was posted, it's because the new girl linked to this.

I'm just going to say that I think it's hilarious that someone who equates pico de gallo with nuanced mexican cuisine can mock midwesterners for lack of sophistication. i mean c'mon. it's pico de gallo. taco bell has it.

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