Monday, January 14, 2008

Worst of Craigslist: Weird Weather Bike Love

Here in New York we're finally coming off a stretch of unusually warm winter weather. All over town this past week, fair-weather cyclists liberated their bicycles from basements and storage units, inflated their tires at gas stations, and took to the streets. And because their hormones were duped into thinking it was spring, these riders also awkwardly tried and failed to mate with each-other. As usual, the gristly evidence of these attempts is on Craigslist "Missed Connections," without so much as some police tape to warn you of the carnage. Here's what happens when mild people and mild weather collide:

it was may and i was the platinum girl blowing bubbles with a friend. you got off of your bike and took a bunch of pictures of us. we were talking about it today and wanted to see them. could you send them my way?

So evocative was the warm weather that people suddenly remembered encounters they had in May. And so cartoonishly stupid is Williamsburg that the bridge that leads to it is actually lined with human bubble machines, like a portal to an alternative dimension of idiocy. If you've never been to Williamsburg, just imagine a real-world Myspace with a Fixedgeargallery overlay. When you cross the Williamsburg Bridge with its graffiti and flyers you get the same feeling you do when you enter a teenager's bedroom. I can only imagine the impromptu photo shoot that ensued when this guy got off his fixed-gear and started snapping away like David Hemmings in Blow-Up. It was surely an orgy of vanity. I don't think this particular bubble blower should hold out much hope, though. May was a long time ago, and he probably realized almost immediately that actual bubble machines have more personality and less predilection for getting embarrassingly drunk at dive bars.

Hey there, I helped get your bike loaded on the bicycle rack. I was the guy from San Francisco who stopped and helped set up the rack.I hope it stayed on. If you would like to get together for coffee or tea, send me an email. Cheers

New York can be irritating enough without well-meaning San Franciscans wandering around trying to help people like sprout-nibbling, peanut milk-sipping superheroes. There is nothing more annoying than unsolicited assistance, and I'm sure this woman was doing just fine before this guy, buzzing from an organic lunch, fair-trade coffee, and his own smugness, butted in, removed his fleece vest, rolled up his sleeves, and insisted on helping so as to establish this shoddy pretext for an introduction. "Hi! Having trouble with your bike rack? I can help you. I'm from San Francisco. We know racks because we love bikes and we especially love hauling them on our environmentally-friendly hybrid automobiles!" And to top it all off, he closes his post with "Cheers." Americans who say "Cheers" really need to know how stupid they sound. They need to be locked in a room with people who yell, "On your left!," people who say, "At this point in time," and Midwesterners who use Yiddish expressions, and made to listen to themselves. That should be enough to get them all to stop.

i saw you riding your bike through the treacherous streets of brooklyn and i gasped at your beauty and manly grace as you weaved through the ice and cars. you made my heart go pitter patter. i was astonished by your choice in maroon sweaters with elbow patches since this too is my favorite color. maybe we can share a bike ride and hot cup of co-co by the fire on my bear skin rug. CALL ME.

i always see you walking your dogs late at night down 12th street. you asked me for a cigarette. you have a cool bike and cool dogs.

Ah yes--two moronic ships of cool passing in the night. Perhaps one day you will meet and discover all the mutual cool things you have in common: cool sneakers; cool bars; cool friends. Maybe he'll even teach you to ride a fixie. You'll revel in each-other's coolness for awhile, and then things will get uncool when you come home one night, his cool bike is in the hallway, and he's in bed with your roommate.

You were biking through prospect park. You stopped and took a photograph of the sky. I was walking by and we both smiled at each other. I think we were both a little shy and awkward and didn't know what to say, so we just kept going our ways.

if you see this email me, i wanted to talk...

Riding in Prospect Park can be sketchy enough without people suddenly stopping and taking photographs of the goddamn sky. I'd also advise this guy to avoid this woman, lest he want to consign himself to a lifetime of neck-craning and picking out clouds that look like animals. In fact, he already got a reply:

maybe this is who you saw, but i think you are looking for a girl and this is a guy: davidhorvitz.com/2008_sky.html

sorry, maybe he knows?

Intrigued, I followed the link, and found it led to the page of someone who promises the following:

"I WILL SEND YOU A PHOTOGRAPH OF THE SKY FOR EVERYDAY IN 2008."

Now that sounds like a great service. In fact, he should offer a deluxe version, where he also includes a photo of his breakfast, and every three weeks or so he mails you an envelope full of his toenail clippings. Now that would be useful!

I agree about the "cheers" thing. Although I think "on your left!" is more of a defense mechanism so that the 55-year-old couple in front of you will temporarily stop riding two abreast on their Huffys and weaving all over the trail at 7 mph.

Well, a woman who'll kiss on the very first date Is usually a hussy And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out Is anything but fussy But a woman who'll wait till the third time around Head in the clouds, feet on the ground She's the girl he's glad he's found She's his Shipoopi

Shipoopi! Shipoopi, Shipoopi The girl who's hard to get! Shipoopi. Shipoopi, Shipoopi But you can win her yet.

Walk her once just to raise the curtain Then you walk around twice and make for certain Once more in the flower garden She will never get sore if you beg her pardon

Do re me fa so la si Do si la sol fa mi re do

Squeeze her once, when she isn't lookin' If you get a squeeze back that's fancy cookin' Once more for a pepper-upper She will never get sore on her way to supper

Do re me fa sol la si Do si do

Now little ol' Sal was a no-gal As anyone could see Lookit her now, she's a go-gal Who only goes for me

Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin' If you get a squeeze back, that's fancy cookin' Once more for a pepper-upper She will never get sore on her way to supper

Do re me fa sol la si Do si do

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi The girl who's hard to get Shipoopi. Shipoopi, Shipoopi But you can win her yet

Granted it must not be easy to write well as consistently as you do, criticizing people's amorous shortcomings (which I think are pretty ubiquitous) only makes you seem like that bitter acne-ridden kid you were in high school. And the passing references to bicycles made in these posts don't put them well into your realm of authority.

I do, however, agree that Americans who say "Cheers!" should in so doing immediately surrender all of their basic human rights.

Y'know, those are cute, but like typical Craigslist 'encounters' posters, they are too full of themselves and too longwinded (I should know). Each plea could be shortened, and its original meaning made more clear. for instance:

bburg bridge, blonde boy on bike took pictures of me blowing bubbles

Translation: You're hot. Bubbles aren't the only thing I like to blow. Call me.

Helped with your bicycle - m4w - 37

2 the girl I helped loading bikes - I noticed you have a really nice rack. I am wayyy into that. Call me.

beautiful mountian man.... - w4m - 24

I have fantasies about making it with a grizzly bear. Or a hippie. Or Methusaleh. Call me.

Walk your dogs down 12th - w4m - 23

I have fantasies about playing nurse to an aging hipster with lung cancer, emphysema, and a big oxygen bottle dragged along in a Nashbar bike trailer towed behind your Pista. Coughing fits make me *really* hot. Call me.

saw you stopping on your bike and taking a photograph of the sky. - m4w - 25

I thought I was the only person who dropped acid while riding my fixed gear. Your weirdness makes me hot. Or maybe it's the peyote I took just before logging on to Craigslist. Either way, call me.

re: saw you stopping on your bike and taking a photograph of the sky. - m4w

Hey, you sound like a sucker. Send me your email address and I'll send you a picture of the sky every single day. With me naked in the foreground.

Snob, you usually sound bitter, but this one's a about a nine on the tension meter, Klopeck. Yeah, I know--we just had a rare sunny pleasant day in Seattle yesterday too, and I was out of my mind to discover the local trail system crammed to June levels with Schwinns and oblivious cell phone riders and talkers. I feel your pain. I'm diggin' the scowl.

Gotta weigh in on 'on your left' though (maybe it's a west coast thing). You can always translate it in your mind as 'please don't blow your nose on me as I pass, Floyd.' Somehow I find bells more annoying. Even though they are probably a better solution (you don't have to specify direction or reveal your hauteur--unless of course you have a Rivendell special, of course). Something very Pee Wee Herman about the incessant bell.

Although your posts are usually a paradigm of syntax and articulation, I can't help but wonder if 'gristly', you actually could have meant 'grisly'. You may also have meant 'grizzly'. All three words are contextually accurate, just for entirely different reasons.

And Kevan, 'tag-team clown fellatio'? I think your ready for your own blog!

I make more than my share of mistakes. I did mean "grisly," but I will let the error stand as a testament to my lack of circumspection.

Anonymous 1:33pm and others,

An "on your left" is certainly warranted now and again but more often than not it seems to be shouted wantonly by overzealous people on hybrids. It's almost like yelling, "I'm on a bike!," or "I'm wearing sneakers!" More often than not I didn't need to know.

"On your left" is a necessary evil in places where there are a high concentration of "ftu's" (first time user). They usually come out when the weather is warm and they have made their new year's resolution to get fit. The normal commuting lanes are crowded with ftu's and the shouting of "ON YOUR LEFT!" has the pleasant effect of making sure the ftu's become otu's (one time user).

I am with bikenerd with the on your left being a necessary evil. BSNYC as a regular rider of the Brooklyn Bridge, you of all people should know the essesential nature of the "On your left" is in keeping some semblance of room to ride in. Otherwise your front tire gets an intimate encounter with some unwitting tourist's camel toe.

BSNYC – Enlighten me, what’s the cause for the diss to the call of “on your left”? When tooling along on my lugged steel 1960’s English singlespeed/fixie conversion, pretending that I ride that bike because I’m cool and not because I can’t afford a proper 4 figure road bike without interfering with my mountain bike habit or my mortgage, I often have other cyclists call out “On your left”. I appreciate this for several reasons:1) It lets me know which side they are passing me on, so that I can salmon-flop myself in the other direction as opposed to into their path. This saves me the need to pick up myself, my bike, the other rider and all the pieces of carbon fiber that used to be the other riders bike.2) If I’m feeling especially beat, it lets me know which side my tow vehicle will pass on, so that I may lasso them effectively and get a tow back to society.OK, so it may not be several, but 2 is enough.

I’d give the same courtesy shout myself, but I don’t usually pass people that are young enough to still have functioning hearing. Besides, I’m too busy gasping for air and turning purple to make any sounds besides the ragged gasping I’m already making.

..."an orgy of vanity"...an eloquent & perhaps in so many ways, the most appropriate turn of phrase you've ever utilized on this site...

...believe me, i cast the first stone in my own direction, of course...

...i chose the ubiquitous "on your left" years ago, because "get out of the middle of the fucking path, moron" seemed for some reason to upset the morons who would ride, stand & talk or walk their dogs, where else, but in the middle of the fucking path...

...i considered it nothing more than sound traffic advice & perhaps a reference to a diminishing mental capacity on the part of other path users, but hey, i admit to wallowing in a orgy of vanity...

Pardon me, chefesque, but it wasn't me. It was one of the many 'anonymous' posters. Although could all be the same guy, I just don't know. But I agree, I definitely prefer a polite 'on your left' over one of my riding friend's urgent Incredibell flogging. Not that anyone ever passes me anyway . . .

here's an on-your-left story i can't believe actually happened. one afternoon i was walking down the sidewalk and heard "on your left!". i turned around half expecting the usual weekend bikie only to see a JOGGER, complete with the whole food belt/ipod/wrist wallet thing. who calls out "on your left" to jog past on the sidewalk? especially when it's a widewalk with grass on either side?

On the track we yell "STAY" but the majority of the hipsters on "track bikes" have never been on a track so if you say that to them (and I tried a couple of times thinking they would get a kick out of it) they look over their left shoulder all confused meanwhile drifting into you.

I gave up on that on went back to "On your left" and then under my breath I usually utter something like "loser, we don't have couriers in Southern California so who exactly are you trying to be?"

I don't care what kind of bike you ride and, aside from that, isnt bragging about an English-welded bike kind of like hyping the virtue of Canadian swimwear? Sure, it's out there, but its been done much better somewhere else, much more often.

Granted it must not be easy to write well as consistently as you do, criticizing people's amorous shortcomings (which I think are pretty ubiquitous) only makes you seem like that bitter acne-ridden kid you were in high school. And the passing references to bicycles made in these posts don't put them well into your realm of authority.

Yeah, word, because your unnecessarily grandiose style doesn't make you sound like an acne'd-out teenager preparing for his SATs.

I think this is one of the funniest posts yet. I've never read a better description of Williamsburg.

Yo, on your left is where I be, Right here that be Me, the only true Cog wit da x leading to da treme, CogS come original cause ya cant be me, ah shit see dat irony?droped a quote form a soul wit cold, but son ya best do what ya told, cant be me, never gonna be, so step back and respect, let me pass on da left.

Yo, on your left is where I be, Right here that be Me, the only true Cog wit da x leading to da treme, CogS come original cause ya cant be me, ah shit see dat irony? droped a quote form a soul wit cold, but son ya best do what ya told, cant be me, never gonna be, so step back and respect, let me pass on da left.

"On your left!" is lost on a lot of people: those who hear the word "left" and move to the left; those who are in their own little world and slow down and look around in a daze, swerving this way and that; and those with ipods/cell phones/hearing problems .. that said, I still haven't figured out the best way to make everyone get out of my way. clearly they don't realize who I am and how important my trajectory is.

I, too, have had people on foot and on bike swerve every which way in front of me while trying to figure out left from right. Occasionally, I use "hold your line" instead, usually with better results. Does this still make me a douchebag?

Haven't lived in NYC since 1994 (my home town). It is amazing to think of Williamsburg to be as you described. I guess stuff changes.

I have to go back for my sister's wedding (well after wedding celebration, well second wedding). My kid is way looking forward to it. I'm going to have to go the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty like some dork. I won't even remember which subway entrance to leave so I don't have to cross the street, therfore looking like some tourist ripe to be hassled for change by some degenerate. Cripes.

I didn't read all of the comments, but I'd like to point out that shouting on your left sounds as much like a command as it does a friendly warning. Witness all of the people who instinctively step to the left when they hear it. I found that using a complete sentence, such as 'I'm coming up on your left' makes more sense to pedestrians.

I'm just a girl who cain't say 'no'I'm in a terrible fix!I always say 'Come on, let's go' just when I aughta say 'Nix.'When a person tries to kiss a girlI know she aughta give his face a smack!But as soon as someone kisses meI somehow sorta want to kiss him back!I'm just a fool when lights are lowI cain't be prissy an' quaintI ain't the type that can faintHow can I be what I ain't?I cain't say 'no!'

dear burly scarf clad mountain man, i saw you riding your bike through the treacherous streets of brooklyn and i gasped at your beauty and manly grace as you weaved through the ice and cars. you made my heart go pitter patter.

Hardball's Chris Matthews is living in New York now? And posting on Craigslist Missed Connections?

Here is how "On your left" works in triathlons:

"On your left."

"On Your Left!"

"ON YOUR LEFT!"

"ON YOUR LEFT YOU #&$%ING MORON! GET THE #&$% OUT OF THE WAY! AND ^#&$ TEAM-IN-TRAINING TO YOU INCOMPETENT #^$%ING IDIOT!"

Anon 12:42, thanks for the cheering. I was enjoying myself as I read through this post, it was good times and I laughed. Then the laughter stopped... How could this be? How could I have been the target of The Snob, however inadvertantly? Was everything coming crashing down on me? Actually no, I say 'Cheers!' because I'm usually having a cocktail and I think 'Cheers!' is...well...cheerful. I also realized there's no reason to be huffy since this is all about fun. Oh yeah, and I don't really give a shit what most folks think. I also say 'On your left!' but that's just because there's an anti-bike conspiracy here in Seattle and I don't want to give those assholes anymore ammunition than they already have. Not from me anyway...

I only 'Cheers!' during passing when it includes a bottle full of water intersecting with an asshole motorist face. Usually reserved for only the worst rush hour, life threatening infractions. The results are hilarious though!

Last night I was hanging out at Spuyet and Duyvil till about 1am. I go to unlock my bike when I glance over at a sea foam green Bianchi Pista with red racerbars, a flourescent pink and black checkered top tube cover and red tires. It was locked to the crossbar of scaffolding. I stopped to laugh at the idiot that locked up his bike in such a stupid manner when I noticed that the bolt was missing on one of the bars. I took your bike and wandered back into the bar hoping you would be inside. There you were saying, "hey, that's my bike!"

ME: yeah, you locked it up to scaffolding and you will get your bike stolen that way DOUCHE: well, i wasnt going to be here for long, i was about to leave anyway (said in condescending manner)ME: well, that's how long it took me to steal your bike and im sort of drunk so what do you think about that?DOUCHE: well, it was locked up!ME: expression of dumbstruck infatuation on my face.

you were exactly what i imagined you to be. a bearded hipster with glasses, skinny pants, black chucks and a flannel lumberjack shirt. you stood up in that bowlegged manner and grabbed your handlebars with tattooed forearms with an annoyed look on your face.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!