Shrapnel in the San Fernando Valleyhttp://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com
The progress blog about my book.Fri, 27 Jul 2018 03:04:23 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.8http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/cropped-horsey900-32x32.jpgShrapnel in the San Fernando Valleyhttp://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com
3232120023868No Rest, Everhttp://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/27/no-rest-ever/
http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/27/no-rest-ever/#respondFri, 27 Jul 2018 03:04:23 +0000http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/?p=466Continue reading "No Rest, Ever"]]>I’ve been sick today, not much going on, but I did manage to get a few queries out to some agencies. This has been the story of my life though.

To be transparent — and the real point of this blog all along was just that — to let people in on this whole experience — I have been crazy busy with sending query letters to agents. Not just agents, you have to find the right agents. Ones that would be interested in a book like yours.

I may have gone over this in a previous blog post, but it takes some research. Quite a lot actually. You find a list of literary agencies and start going through them. What kind of books do they publish? If it seems like your book would fit into their family of other authors, then you start looking over each agent’s profile and read about them, and possibly do a little more research on them if you need to. You must find out if they are accepting queries too, and if they are looking for a book in your genre.

If it looks like you’ve found a matchy person, you must find out the submission policy of the agency and abide by their guidelines, pretty exactly. Your query letter should be personal to the agent, and if you did your homework, you’ll know a bit about them, so it won’t be hard to make it personal. You can cut and paste a lot of other information, but you may have to add/subtract, depending on what interests them, or what other materials they ask for.

They may also want a proposal, as well as pages of your manuscript. If you’re lucky, they’ll want a lot of pages, or the whole thing. Usually, they want only 10 pages. But, your proposal is probably more pages than that. It’s more important than your book in many, sometimes most ways.

In a proposal there is a synopsis, a summary (or your overview), your marketing plan, your bio, a chapter summary, past publications, list of comparative titles and their cross-categories, and who is going to read your book. Why is it special? It’s crazy, right?

Anyway, this is a long way of telling you, that for the last year and a half, I’ve been researching agencies, in NY (very few elsewhere), that could be interested in my book. I am down to the last little list, though I’ve been finding a few more here and there that I hadn’t known about before.

All in all, I have been able to query about 100 people. Hey, I’m just telling the truth. Maybe I shouldn’t. But there it is. I haven’t heard back from everyone, but I have had a fair share of rejection, and so far, no real big bites. Well, there were a couple along the way. The biggest one, I had a real good correspondence going with for over a year. He knew what I was writing, had my first query on the previous version and was very enthusiastic, knew my style of writing, waiting for me to rewrite it.etc. Once I was finished, he was eager to read it. I just got a pass from him, based on, he said, my platform. He said it wasn’t big enough. He said it would have to be huge in order for a major publisher to want to publish the book.

I’ve heard this from four other agents already, and a journalist. I didn’t count him though, not at first. And I ignored the four too. But I was almost banking on this one guy. This one great agent. He said he thought I was a great writer, but that was why he had to pass.

I only have a couple thousand peeps on Facecrook. Practically no one on GoodReads (which is where they want you to have your following), but I have a big following on other social media outlets that he didn’t even know about, though, it’s mostly art related. That would be ello. They have some writers there. No agents or publishers are cruising the joint though. I have another 600+ on twitter, 400+ on G+ and 250 or so on Instagram and I’m not very active on any. I would need to be more visible. It seems, it would be a full time job, no matter what route I take, with a major publisher, or if I self-publish.

There is no rest!

I am just sleepy all the time. I miss myself.

]]>http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/27/no-rest-ever/feed/0466Different Opinion or Bad Fish Day?http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/23/different-opinion/
http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/23/different-opinion/#commentsMon, 23 Jul 2018 17:15:28 +0000http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/?p=457Continue reading "Different Opinion or Bad Fish Day?"]]>It hasn’t yet been a week since my last post, but I’m cracking down on my “plans” now, only in a different way. No rules! First of all, people and their opinions are just that: people and their opinions. That’s who we are. We all have them.

I am used to rejection. I’ve received it my entire life, and perhaps getting countless rejection letters from countless art galleries, granting institutions, and residencies have just made me grow a thicker skin. Writing, for sure, has been a lot different for me. It’s harder. However, getting rejected from agencies and publishers don’t bother me as much as being disrespected by other writers. It’s a memoir curse. But whatever, I’ll get over it though.

As hard as this field of dreams may be, like in art, I must push on. Pushing on gets your mind off of how hard it is. And this, though sad, confusing, and unfortunate, also feels so promising and inspiring. All (aspiring to be published) writers should look it over. It proves that it’s all about the random opinion of people on the receiving end of your work — something you can only control so much of. You can find that one editor that believes in your book and your writing, or it could fall into the hands of some guy that ate something bad. It doesn’t matter how great it is. If you read some of the books out there — even on the Best Seller’s list, you need not be any good at all.

I’ve been writing and rewriting my query letter and synopsis over and over. Each time, I think it’s better. I think it’s more “streamlined,” meaning it’s more to the point, more relevant to what the story is about (it’s true bones), and as concise as I can make it. I’ve taken it from 425 words to 300, just today. This is the “thing” that agents want you to write, as if it will be on the back or on the jacket of your published book. Though, your publicist should absolutely rewrite it. It’s extremely hard to write in the third person about yourself and be objective. It’s good for me to find good things about the story/me/my writing, but it’s hard.

Now, I’m about to work on the first paragraph of the summary, which is different from the synopsis. That is written in the first person and it’s more like a pitch. I’ve been reading some of Marilyn Davis’ articles on Two Drops of Ink about how to think about summaries and tag lines. She has a lot of good food for thought.

So yesterday, I worked on this site most of the day. Maybe you can take a look around and see all the tweaking I did! I added more top navigation, wrote a whole history about the book and this site, and put up an actual writing resume.

]]>http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/23/different-opinion/feed/2457Pushing Onhttp://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/19/pushing-on/
http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/19/pushing-on/#respondThu, 19 Jul 2018 18:12:39 +0000http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/?p=417Continue reading "Pushing On"]]>Not that I was looking for it (<– not true at all), but it took a long time to get that praise from mjp regarding my book. If you haven’t listened to the podcast interview, I urge you to download it now (or you can stream it). All I wanted was his blessing. I had no idea he would react the way he did.

When he finished reading my book this time, he wasn’t just impressed, he gushed. If you knew how hard he is to please when it comes to writing, you’d understand.

A couple years ago, when he finished it before — when I thought I was done with it — he practically hated it. His initial feedback sent me into a dwindling spiral, down, down, down. I didn’t expect my reaction to be that of a crazy person, but it was. It’s just that I highly respect his opinion. What can I say? It was important to me, and as much as I tried to make it not matter to me. It did.

However, over time, in itty bitty tiny baby steps it seemed, I eventually excepted that, if he didn’t like it, I’d be okay. And, of course, that was when he thought it was extraordinary. Doesn’t it always work out that way? Son of a bitch, right?

So, it is now week seven since I’ve finished the book, and I think it’s interesting that tomorrow will also mark Day 50, A.D. (I guess I’ll make it mean, “After Done?”). Either way, seems I can’t escape 50 tomorrow.

The same week I completed the book, I started querying agents. I wasted no time. Seven weeks doesn’t seem so long, But I’m extremely industrious. And, I have a timed marketing strategy. I’ll share a little bit about it with you and you can steal it from me if you’d like when it comes time for you to write a book. I dare you.

First of all, on average, most agencies won’t answer you for a few weeks. They tell you four to six, or four to eight, weeks sometimes (today I ran into a 12-week one!), but usually, I’ve been hearing back in one to three weeks. I mean, it all depends. Three or so agents have written me back within 10 hours. Obviously, they didn’t read the manuscript. At best they read the sample. Most likely they only read the cover letter and know right away they don’t want the story. I can fully understand. I think a person can know right away.

In any case, as of today, I have queried over 100 agencies. I didn’t even know NY had that many! I have about 25 more to do, too. Those will be by Monday, and then I’ll have to wait again. When their turnaround time runs out, probably around the last week of September, I will query a couple more agents that want exclusive submissions. They won’t look at yours if you have simultaneously submitted somewhere else. And they may tie up your manuscript for up to eight weeks.

But during that wait, I’ll be researching more about indy publishers, which I’ve already had a jump start on. I’ve been overlapping my Plan B over my Plan A for the last two weeks. Again, I don’t waste any time. As I exhaust my lists, I have to start thinking about pushing on, and what I am going to do next. There’s a lot to think about, if I can even get there. If I even go with an indy. If I can, what sort of distribution/press can they offer me that makes their commission worth the percentages? Enough to forego doing the whole thing on my own? A lot of self-published authors have to ask themselves this important question. I am scared if I’ll have to self-publish, honestly. I know it will be like a full-time job, and I need time to paint. I’m going to have think up some strategy about this… Hmm (rubs beard).

]]>http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/19/pushing-on/feed/0417The Interview of the Centuryhttp://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/07/the-interview-of-the-century/
http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/07/the-interview-of-the-century/#respondSat, 07 Jul 2018 18:41:55 +0000http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/?p=407Continue reading "The Interview of the Century"]]>It’s here! The interview you’ve all been waiting for. A world exclusive. Take a listen to the conversation I had with Michael Phillips (A.K.A. mjp) on THIS IS NOT A TEST, now available for download or streaming.

I say it’s exclusive because, not only is this the first time I’ve spoken publicly about about my book — and of course the first interview I’ve done about it — but it’s also the first time I’ve spoken out about a couple other things. A little nerve-wracking is what it is. However, I figure, if I can survive all the shit I’ve already survived in my life, I can get through this, whatever may come.

I’ve always pretty much been an open book, no pun intended. I have reasons for doing that, for being this way. Although it’s been brought into question as of recent weeks, I am happy to answer to it. Anyone is free to comment. I will either answer, or I won’t.

]]>http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/07/07/the-interview-of-the-century/feed/0407Day 26, A.D.http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/06/25/day-26-a-d/
http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/06/25/day-26-a-d/#commentsMon, 25 Jun 2018 22:40:32 +0000http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/?p=401Continue reading "Day 26, A.D."]]>It’s coming up on a month since I finished the book now. I’ve had to make a number of tweaks, little additions, corrections, and a few date changes.

For instance, somehow, I referred to the 9-11 incident as September 11th, 2004.What the hell?Twice I wrote it. I swear, I’m losing my mind. Good thing I wrote a book so I can refer back to my life when I lose all faculties completely.

As these writing changes were made, I had a small group of people read the manuscript for various reasons: proofing (multiple eyes), fact-checking (people that were there), clarity, and opinions about very specific things. Very specific, because I wouldn’t want to, nor can I, control people’s over all experience. I only wanted to know if they were engaged, and I suppose it’s been important to me, if, at any point, I got at least one laugh out of them.

In a not so funny story, I tried to insert as much comic relief as I could at appropriate moments (and maybe not so appropriate moments), because sometimes, there’s just nothing else to do in the face of tragic events but see the absurdity in it.

Anyway, after I cleaned up the pages, received my answers, and got opinions that I didn’t even ask for (oh boy!), I peeled myself off the floor, wiped my tears and sent out my first round of submissions to some of the top agencies in NYC. My plan — to start at the tippy-top and work my way down.

Now, I’ve been learning about this whole publishing a book thing as I go along, like anyone would. I’ve read a ton over the last year about how it all works, sought out forums, and asked people questions, even when they seemed stupid and rookie. What do I care how I come across? I’m trying to get from point A to point B, and I’m clear on what I want. I’m ambitious and have finite goals. My plans are set according to those goals. What can I say? I’m just built this way.

I know it’s not good to bombard the entire NY literary agency landscape with your book queries all at the same time. It’s just tacky. Also, each agency, depending on their size, have a roster of agents that are looking for different types of books — some loved more than others — and then they have a variety of tastes within those genres. Each agent wants you to contact them in a unique manner, and their instructions on how to do that are very particular. You must also see if they’re even accepting submissions at the moment. You should be personal with your letter too. Who wants a stupid form letter? If you got a thousand letters a day that asked you to read a thousand books, which kind of letter would you rather read?

So, doing some research about whom you are writing to, and the agency they’re working for is probably a good idea. Why them? Why are they a good match for you? Tell them.

Then, you have to wait four to six weeks for a response.

It all takes time before the next round of submissions go out.

I’m doing this routine until my lists of agents are totally exhausted, if in fact, I’m rejected from them all. Which may be the case. And if and/or when that happens, Operation Imprint Direct goes into play. See? I have it all planned out. I have it planned out until the bitter end, I do, I do.

I’ve written a 300 (280) word synopsis of the book for the site now and am constantly reediting it to make it better and better. I’m also trying to get people to sign up on GoodReads tofollow me. Agents want to see your social media following, especially on GoodReads. If you read this, please partake.

I’m about to send out my newsletter. Please JOIN MY MAILING LIST if you haven’t yet. Tell your friends. And look listen out for me in July on THIS IS NOT A TEST podcast. I’m being interviewed by the infamous mjp.

Until later…

]]>http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/06/25/day-26-a-d/feed/2401Oops, Finito!http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/06/02/oops-finito/
http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/06/02/oops-finito/#commentsSat, 02 Jun 2018 23:53:27 +0000http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/?p=348Continue reading "Oops, Finito!"]]>Oops. I forgot to write something on this blog to make an official announcement yesterday. Maybe I didn’t do it because my last blog post sort of said so, but it’s done! I’m finished! The book I’ve been trying to write all this time is complete.

It was finished Wednesday, in fact. Earlier than my June 1st target. Then, Thursday and Friday, I slept better than I have in months! Now, I am starting to feel good.

I think.

What’s that like? Feeling “good.”

I feel accomplished.

It’s a huge accomplishment. It really is. I know a lot of people set out to write a book and never do, or think about it, and don’t. And I did it.

I suppose, yes, I do feel good about completing it. There’s something I’m holding back however. I just wish I was able to fit in all the great stories I have. I’ve had some unbelievable experiences. I’ve written them already too. I wanted to fit them in, but it wasn’t possible. I won’t be able to publish a book, at least not traditionally, that’s very long like that. It’s hard enough to break into the publishing world. To have the extra turn-off of that stupid word count concern would only make it worse. So, I needed to pare it down to solely my story, which in essence is the story I was supposed to tell anyway.

In my previous versions, I’d been going off into other people’s stories too much, taking the reader off track and away from me. I suppose I was doing that subconsciously on purpose. Heh. I secretly don’t think my story is all that interesting, but I’ll let the readers be the judge. I probably only think that because I lived it.

The other thing I had to get over was the consensus among (some) writers that memoir isn’t considered high literature. That really weighed on me the whole fucking time. I’m not some academic, but I’ve been writing since I was a little kid. Maybe I, at least have my own niche. We’ll see, but I got tired of caring about that. I “finished” with that too. Another accomplishment!

And I sure hope I have a niche, because there are about a billion other “misery memoirs” out there. What makes mine so special?

I tried not to make it one miserable tale after another. I think that’s clear as you read it, but what can I do? I can’t help how my life unfolded. Am I supposed to talk about unicorns and rainbows? Well…actually, I think both are mentioned.

The next step is finding an agent, or getting with a publisher directly would be even more awesome. I’m also looking for an attorney that wouldn’t mind helping me out for a low or no fee. Just to make sure I can put the manuscript out there, otherwise, I’d let my friends start reading it.

]]>http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/06/02/oops-finito/feed/2348June 1sthttp://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/05/24/june-1st/
http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/05/24/june-1st/#commentsThu, 24 May 2018 14:11:49 +0000http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/?p=334Continue reading "June 1st"]]>For those of you listening, I have some positive news about the progress on rewriting my memoir. I’m almost there!

Today I’m working on the very last chapter. I can’t fucking believe it. It’s been such a long time coming. I feel pretty good. That is, for now. Until someone rains on my parade? No. I’m going to be okay this time.

I won’t just be writing the last chapter today. I’ll be finished with it, too. Not to give anything away, but this one is short, and I’ve already written the ending. I don’t believe that’s any sort of spoiler, if there could be any.

Once I finish the chapter, just a few more steps need to happen. But don’t worry, they won’t take too long. One good thing I’ve had going is that I’ve had someone editing the work, chapter by chapter as I’ve been writing. It’s been so helpful, especially since I didn’t have to pay this person. I don’t have to wait an additional four months after I’ve written it, as she is always just a couple of chapters behind me. The perfect set up.

The next step is a word sweep. I have a list of common words I habitually use. It bothers me more than the reader. I have to either erase them, or force myself to start thinking differently. Like, use my brain!? Amazing, very , really, and actually are the biggest culprits. Other ones are a lot more challenging, and might not seem as obvious, or in need of change, but they are: even, was, just and that.

After the sweep is complete, I’ll do the final read-through. I’d planned on waiting a week before I started this, but, instead, I’m having the book read aloud to me. I think this will be good. I’ll follow along the bouncing ball, correct, listen for how it reads and flows, and see what I think. It’s already been edited and gone through with one of them super fine comb-type things. This will have to be the absolutely late time I go through it. I don’t want to start hating it.

Next, I’ll do all the formatting. No reading needed. I have to format it for Kindle, PDFs, and for standard agency/publishers’ submissions.

The book, then, will be done, and I can put a pin in it, as they say. My life will be my own again.

Amazingly enough, I plan to have all of this done well before June 1st.

At that point, I will be shopping it to agencies.

That’s all for now. Thanks for reading.

]]>http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/05/24/june-1st/feed/233495% of the Timehttp://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/05/08/95-of-the-time/
http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/05/08/95-of-the-time/#commentsTue, 08 May 2018 13:52:14 +0000http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/?p=328Continue reading "95% of the Time"]]>You haven’t heard from me on this blog because I’ve been hard at work on the new rewrite. It’s been going well, and fast. And that’s probably because I haven’t slept since February.

Okay, maybe that’s somewhat of an exaggeration. But not really. I’ve been getting more sleep lately, since I’ve overcome some obstacles. Certain chapters weren’t the greatest of ease, but I’ve found my footing now. I have been able to sleep a little more than I was. Still, I’m getting up at 5:00 or 6:00 everyday, and working as long as I can. It’s not uncommon to find myself passed out, face-forward into my keyboard by the afternoon though, as I’ve been putting in 10-12 hour days.

I know that sounds alarming, like, how could I possibly write a book that’s worth reading if I’m in a state like that? That remains to be seen. But it’s been all right. I’m chugging along, 95% of the time in this manner, because I’m excited. I’ve already accomplished so much!

I started this rewrite on February 26th. I started from the beginning. From scratch. Now, the finish line is coming into focus, finally.

One thing that eludes me, though, is how it could take me nearly a decade to write it one way, and then just a few months to write it another? I’ve realized that maybe I had to write a book in order to write a book.

I’m more than 75% finished now, and expect to be done in about a month. I’ve already drafted the whole thing to the end, so, for the most part, it’s pretty set in terms of how long it’s going to be, how many chapters, and what the end is. Today I finished Chapter 33! I have 10 more to go. I’ll do a read from there, and that’s that.

I’ll keep those of you that are interested updated in the coming weeks what I plan to do. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

]]>http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/05/08/95-of-the-time/feed/2328Motivatedhttp://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/03/28/motivated/
http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/03/28/motivated/#respondWed, 28 Mar 2018 04:38:17 +0000http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/?p=311Continue reading "Motivated"]]>What in the world is happening with this goddamned book?

Let me catch you up on what’s going on. Are you sitting? You better sit down for this. This is going to take a long time. In fact, you should probably be sitting in your underwear with a drink. We’ll be going on a private time machine. If you must know, it looks like the front half of an 1978 tan Chrysler Cordoba. Don’t worry, it’s totally private. Only the marketing team can see you through the two-way window.

Okay, enough of that. All I’m doing is preparing you for an even longer read. And God forbid I give the people more to read! I can’t count how many hairs I’ve lost over the stressing I’ve done about shortening this God forsaken book. Oy Vhey!

Anyway, back to the time machine. We’re going back to 2010, about a year after both my parents died and I had some time to grieve. I wasn’t painting much. I was writing. Dabbling through various autobiographical stories I’d written over the years previous, I fictionalized some of these stories, and some I just let sit to take up computer space. But I began to focus on, or at least I intended, writing my whole “story.” It all began as fiction though, not an “autobiography.” Yet, it was my autobiography, if that makes sense.

By 2011, I had a draft. Nothing anyone could read, even if I let them. It was gobbledeegook. But some chapters were forming as well as a couple of characters. This was about when mjp convinced me to write it as a memoir instead of fiction. I didn’t think anyone would ever believe it as a true story though. If I ever felt like publishing it, who would believe all the stuff that’s happened to me? And who would want to hear me whine about it? Still, it was so far in the future, I wasn’t thinking about it yet. And I had no idea what I’d be facing, emotionally. I have to say that, if I did, I can’t say I would have started this book in the first place.

Mjp convinced me pretty easily when he said that the best thing about the book was that it was all true. At least I had that going for me.

In the meantime, I’ve quit this book, and quit writing all together. Several times now. I’ve also been working and reworking, editing, and rearranging the same skeleton, the same words, I started with in 2010. I found that this was essentially the problem. Over the last year, something just really disturbed me about it all (and not in the same way the content will disturb you). I’m just glad I figured it out.

The sentiments, viewpoints, outlooks — they’re not the same as the ones I have now. That was a decade ago. I’ve grown. I’ve grown a lot, and rereading this damn book, over and over put me into a deep depression. It made me feel that I hadn’t learned anything about myself at all. I was defeated, in fact. It was written too close to the time I was grieving. Too close to the time I was fighting with my brother. I was sad, angry, and broken. It was still funny — don’t get me wrong! I just have a lot of growth to share, especially after the process and years I dedicated to writing this book. And especially after all the therapy I’ve had, too.

It’s not that I’ve “overcome” my anger, or sadness, or even my fear, but fear is not completely running the show anymore. It was though. Fear of being judged, fear of sucking as a writer, fear of not be respected by my own partner, fear of “coming out” as a nincompoop to all those who have known me over the last 20 years, fear of being sued, harassed, and publicly humiliated, however…

I forgot that I was willing to take every single one of those risks. Because I’ve read this book, many times over (duh!), and know for a fact I have the courage.

]]>http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2018/03/28/motivated/feed/0311Takes What it Takeshttp://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2017/11/23/takes-what-it-takes/
http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/2017/11/23/takes-what-it-takes/#commentsThu, 23 Nov 2017 20:56:17 +0000http://shrapnelinthesanfernandovalley.com/?p=303Continue reading "Takes What it Takes"]]>I said somewhere that I would ‘splain myself–that I would share what was happening, what went wrong, my plans and future steps about the manuscript. I know a lot of eye-rolling is coming my way, but I can’t concern myself with that. The book will be done when it’s done.

Sorry that I can’t call it “finished” yet. Crying wolf is right, but I swear, I am very close. It may sound like the next step I want to do now is monumental, but it really isn’t. Not in the scheme of things. Not in terms of “reward” anyway.

First of all, after about a million other realizations throughout this long and arduous process, the latest one was when I started editing the manuscript during the second week of October–I mistakenly used the version I received back from the copy editor. This was such a huge mistake. I should have used the version I gave to him and started from the beginning (not the beginning beginning; the book as I had worked it up to the end of May). The reason I didn’t do that was because I didn’t know just how intense his changes were going to be until I was deep into it all. I also was happy that he’d shortened it, so I just started with his version as the base.

Then I made all of my changes. Twice.

At the end of the second time through, I called it “done.” I announced it to the world. I thought I only needed it proofed. I closed up the file and didn’t look at it for a bit over a week. But remember, I’d been working on the thing night and day, with little sleep.

Then I opened it because I needed to grab a random chapter for my final report for NADC grant. I was looking for, more or less, a pedestrian chapter. I scanned through them and read the first couple of paragraphs in each. All of them were riddled with major mistakes, but it wasn’t even that. It was the writing. Who the hell? I do not speak like that! I do not write like that. Why didn’t I see this? I hate this. Why did this happen?

Because I was sleep deprived!

I’ve been too close to it. I see now, I need a goddamned break!

Another thing is: the chapter I decided to use for my report, I can’t believe what happened to it. I will talk about it here, just as an example to explain why I am going to do what I’m about to do…This chapter was originally pretty long–somewhere around 3K words, which is the average of every chapter. When I first began stringing the book together like a narrative, I used locations in and around Los Angeles; each chapter was a place I lived. I lived in so many places that the book became too long! So I took two places my family lived and squished them together into one chapter, trying to bring the reader up to speed by describing the previous place we lived into a couple of paragraphs, condensing the previous 3,000 words. That’s a lot of cutting.

Well, somehow the chapter of which I speak, is now 1,300 words. In total. So that’s a cut from 6,000 to 1,300. Sounds great–to a publisher…but fuck that! All the good stuff is gone. And, it reads like it’s written like someone who went to a university or something. It’s lost it’s excitement. In my opinion.

Nothing against education. I am 100% for being as educated as humanly possible. I have been doing the best I can to get educated all my life. I have spent more time at the public library than anyone I know (as a kid) and I’ve taken a few English classes at the LA Unified colleges here and there. I proudly have no degrees of any sort though. (Well, that’s not true. I may have a couple of Dean’s list certificates that I could give a shit about.) That’s not my point exactly. Though, I am a good student, see? My point is that I write like a person that carved out their own voice from trial and error. I believe it’s here in the sentences. Maybe it’s not perfect. Maybe it stings the eyes of literary editors and publishers worldwide, but I don’t care.

So, I want to take a break and not look at the book at all. For a while. If one week gave me this clarity, think what a month or more can do. When I come back, I am going to start with that manuscript from May and do a side-by-side comparison edit so that I can add the new stuff and do my best to ignore the word count counter. Ha!