- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Our Hearts' Desire

At a deep level, it seems to me we are guided. Some people believe in external powers that will help us if we let them. My belief is that we are led through our lives by a hidden inner spirit that uses all of its wiles to help us make the most of ourselves if we let it.

Because I have been aware of that wise playful spirit within, there is very little I regret from my past, beyond those things out of my control, like anatomy. There are some who will recognize my reference to anatomy and suggest that I could have done something, and in fact still can, to change many things about myself and satisfy a hearts' desire. They would be right and wrong. While there is a deep need to be able to 'do what the other girls do' here in my heart, (oh my yes) on the other hand, ignoring that imperative permitted me to satisfy an even more compelling hearts' desire of an earlier time, and follow a path that continues to bring joy today.

The reality was brought to mind over the holidays as we spent a day with our children and their spouses (no grandchildren yet, but maybe someday). I could sit and listen to them, and just be with them for days and never tire. They are such interesting and loving people. Yes of course, I am biased. :)

Best memories from a long life are dominated by images of caring for those two in their infancy then having the joy of watching them grow and learn for over thirty years now. There is no way I can imagine a life without these precious people and all of the surprises they bring. I am forever grateful that my inner guide found ways to divert my attention away from my deep feminine roots and left me to live as a man so I could help give them life and then provide whatever parenting skills I could as their father.

Young transitioning women have the option of freezing sperm so that they can have offspring. I understand and support that practice without question. Perhaps some day, medical technology will find a way to grow and implant our own ovaries and uterus along with the rest, and some future sisters will have that amazing experience of giving birth. It is something I can imagine, so it is probably something that brighter minds will bring to pass.

For my part, I will always have those timeless moments, holding those lives in my arms, falling asleep with them close to my heart, and today feeling nothing but awe and gratitude that some power prevented me from knowing a lesser hearts' desire in place of this one.

9 comments:

I concur wholeheartedly with almost everything you said. I would not have the children that I do had I known and been able to do something about this here condition we have. As for doing anything in the future, well, that remains in the future, at least for me.

Inner spirit? Not something that could evolve. It was put there by a higher power than evolution.

What a lovely post Halle, thank you. I love what you have to say about whatever power guided you. That was well said. Although I hope to complete my transition some time over the next year or so I'm always touched to be reminded by my youngest teenage daughter that she would not have been here had I transitioned earlier. I am so grateful for the motherhood that I have enjoyed, I can't regret any of that, much as I would have loved to have been female from birth.

That must be a wonderful experience to have such a positive relationship with your daughter. Of all the 'coming out' experiences that will have to happen sooner or later, the ones with my children give me the most thoughtful moments. They need to know how loved they are.

I am going to turn some of your thoughts and words around, Halle.Maybe you need to know how much you are loved and maybe these precious people, your children, can't imagine a life without you and the surprises you bring.May the New Year be good to you all.

Just caught up with your December posts here this morning in a coffee fueled binge. So much change within the calm, probative structure of your life.

I am delighted you depilated. It does make a difference. I hope that your Missus can find that this is not a change too far. I suspect that you will find that this is not a slippery slope, tipping point element. I do suspect that pushing your limits here and there will help you balance.

I see in your post here today your capacity for love and wonder, a capacity that must make all the tinkering and discovery possible.

Good luck and best wishes for 2012. I promise to find the time to follow you more closely.

Thanks for all the beautifully organized thought and honesty expressed here in 2011.

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My journey started with self-acceptance and self discovery. Casting aside fear and self hate I found a person I could love inside myself and learned that self love was possible by remembering ~ ~ ~ I Am Not My Body ~ ~
J'écris, donc j'existe!