Thursday, January 29, 2009

I wanted to write this letter to you on your birthday this past November, but time keeps us very busy these days, running you around to your hockey games, practices, birthday parties, baseball and taking care of your sister.

I can't believe that you are 8-years old, Boo. You are amazingly smart, witty, athletic, sensitive, loving, strong and the best big brother ever, and son anyone could ask for. I say that with my heart and soul.

I am, me, today, because of you, Hunter. You made me the women I have become. You came in to my life with out warning, and surprised me in ways that I could never explain, but will never forget. You changed my view on life, people, God and myself. You were my first real love. I thought I knew love, but I really had no clue, until the day I met you face to face. I remember that day like none other, November 27th!

November 27th, was a typical sunny day in Florida. I had my weekly doctors appointment that morning to see how my growing boy was doing. Only to find out that you would be making your presence known to all the world this day. I was not happy about it, because I was scared, I was not mentally ready, my mom was not in town yet....this wasn't the "plan", my plan! You and God, out voted me and had your own agenda, in which we would all submit to and follow.

Although, I was ready for you at the house. I had just finished your room the day before and sat down and wrote you a 3 page letter on November 26th, telling you how ready I was for you to be here. I guess you heard my thoughts and off to the hospital I go to be induced. I was leaking amino fluids, doing so could cause an infection to get inside your protected world and cause you to become very sick. Taking no risk, my induction has begun and the contraction are kicking in. I wanted to do everything naturally, no medications or anything.

About 6 hours into everything, I was in a lot of pain and they broke my water. O'boy..... I thought I was in pain before, I was now OFFICIALLY in pain. Contractions were kicking my butt, I am wanting my mom to hurry up and get here from Dallas, as she caught the first flight out that she could. The doctor finally came in and saw the pain I was in and told me, as my friend, to take the epidural. Explaining to me that I was not getting any type of 'mother of the year' award for putting myself through unnecessary pain. I again submitted to his request and took the epidural. Ahhhh!!! That's much better.

I could actually lay there breathing and watch the monitors when the contractions where coming and remember it all. I was hungry and thirsty, but was only allowed to have a pop-cycle. Things are moving along, I am dilating and effacing. You will be here soon.

I have been in labor for 9 hours now, but my cervix wasn't wanting to soften. The doctor came in for yet another glamorous check up on me, and tells me that I need to be open minded for a c-section if my cervix didn't fully soften. They didn't want to put you baby under any stress and would do what was needed, when needed.

At last my mom walks in the doors, with a bunch of tears and kisses. Yea, my mommy was here!!! I was not going through this with out her. The doctor and nurses fill her in on the status and then leave the room. My mom whispers in my ear to practice pushing slowly, not too much, just enough to help the cervix to soften. I can't feel anything waste down, I just lay there and concentrate on some practice pushing for maybe 2-3 minutes. The nurse comes in and all of the sudden I hear her say "uh I see the crown, lets get the doctor in here now." I look around and I see hustle and bustle, nurses moving things, lights being turned on, blankets being lifted off my feet and legs. Doctor walks in and gives me one last exam and says "alright we are ready to go."

Twelve hours from start to finish, 3 pushes later, November 27th, 2008; Hunter Dylan Brackett is born at 11:16 PM, weighing 6 lbs 8 0z, 18.5 long. Perfect and healthy in every way! I am forever changed and have met my first soul mate. Although I didn't picture him to be so tiny, slimy and warm all bundled up on my chest. *smiling* I would make a promise that day to be the best mother you could ever need or want.

Oh just thinking back on that very moment makes my heart flutter and tears come to surface of my eyes. I have been so blessed with you. You have never been seriously sick or injured. Although, there have been trips to the ER for stitches here and there, broken bones and just to be safe kind of runs. For the most part you have been one healthy and active child. You are so outgoing, friendly and have no fear in you. I think you get that from me. You have not only been my son, but my little buddy over the years. Teaching me things, as I teach you things. Sometimes beating me in board games (I wont mention the last two Yahtzee games you won). You are so advanced in all areas of school with reading, math, spelling and many others. You have many friends and get along with just about anyone. You are definitely an alpha-male though. You like to lead, take charge and have a very creative imagination. I love it all.

Although, it wasn't always easy and you may even remember some of the hard times we have been through. Going through life with you by my side has made this life on earth a wonderful journey and experience. I wouldn't change anything. I have so many dreams for you in life. I love watching you grow and explore. Your mind is always ahead of the rest of you. Asking me amazing questions, and some questions that I have to look up before I can give you the answer because I myself, didn't have the knowledge or answer to them.

I have watched you cry, laugh, love and learn over the last 8 years. Watching you transform into the teen and young man you will one day be. It's sad, because I am losing my baby, but joyful, because I am witnessing your life unfold before my eyes. Your feet now have roughness to them, your breath now smells foul first thing in the mornings, you fight with such passion that I can sometimes want to put duct-tape over your mouth, leaving it there until you graduate from college. You want to expand your wings and be independent, but still have this very tender child side to you. You want me to tickle your back before you fall to sleep, while not even thinking about getting into bed with out blanky or dots. It will be a sad day when you finally decide to put blanky and dots aside, to never be slept with again.

Hunter, I hope that when you think of me and the years you have shared with me on this earth, that you also find yourself just as blessed and thankful. We make a great mother and son team. You are my first born, my first son and my first true love. Without you, I am not me. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for not caring what I look like when I wake in the mornings, or that I stink at spelling and math. Although, you may tease me about that when you are a teen, but for now, I am thankful. HA!

Thank you for all the memories you have given me to always treasure away in my heart of memories. They are gifts that you will never realize you have given to me. I miss so much about you as a walking toddler. The way you said certain words, or the high pitch that followed every letter of the alphabet when saying them. How you would say lellow, instead of yellow, or that you would with such seriousness in your face hold your hands out and say "is it", when you wanted to ask "where is it?" when playing hide-n-seek of your toys.

Although, I miss all of that very much. I am truly enjoying the you, you are today. The boy that is still a boy. Still full of wonder. Still loves to play with his cars and transformers and Bakugan. Still loves to snuggle with me at nights before bed. I know I am often busy with the baby, home, Mark and your sports stuff, but I am never too busy for a hug or kiss from you. I am trying to capture it all and take it all in. Slow down and don't be in such a hurry little man.

I love you baby boy, and thank you for all 8 wonderful years you have shared with me. I am honored to have been chosen to be in YOUR plan, your mother and that I am blessed to call you son of mine.

Beautiful, beautiful boy..... I am so excited to see what God has planned in your life for the next 8 years, and then the next 8 years after that and that and that.

No, I am not pregnant, but for some reason I do find myself feeling a bit emotional. Probably PMSing, but I wouldn't know since I do not have my monthly any longer due to the Mirena IUD. However, I do still feel the symptoms, but do not fully keep track of when these symptoms will or should appear each month.

However..... before reading blogs this morning that pulled at my heart strings and brought tears down my face. I had already been feeling a bit emotionally conflicted about something that happened to me May of 2007. Mark and I had sat down and prayed together that God bless us with a child of our own. It was granted right away. We were thrilled, excited, surprised so soon and thankful. We were so ecstatic that we told everyone right away. My doctors appointment was scheduled for the following week. This pregnancy was planned to the "T" that I even kept track of my ovulation dates per month. We really wanted this baby.

Unfortunately, and fortunately, God has another plan for us. I have shared this story before in October 15th, when remember all babies lost, month. The day before my doctors appointment I started to bleed. When I called him, he seem optimistic on the phone that it could mean nothing, to come in and let him see. Well, as the day went on, the bleeding got worse and I knew I was losing our baby. In fact I am pretty sure I even saw the product of what was my baby after it left my body. I was sad, but wasn't in tears just yet, but felt very, very sad and disappointed.

I went to the doctor the next day and it was confirmed. I was no longer pregnant and it appeared that my body was cleansing itself. I was told that I needed to come in for blood test the following week to see if my numbers were going down. Once they were back down to zero, we would be able to try again for that baby we prayed for.

It all seemed easy enough. A little too easy, but to distract my attention away from what had just happened to me, I focused on what needed to be done next. I go back in the following week and my numbers went down, but only a little. Not as much as they should have, but was told to not worry, they would go down. I go back in the following week and still the same thing, my number were going down very slowing. The pregnancy test kept saying I was pregnant. My body wasn't letting go of all the remains and so they mentioned that I would possibly be needing an D&C surgery to clean out the uterus, so that my body wouldn't think I was still pregnant, and my numbers could go down and try again. This was very frustrating, it was causing me to continue to be very emotional about it all. My body was bleeding a lot for several weeks and I was hormonally wacko in nicer terms.

I went to see a doctor that lived closer to me that some friends had referred because my doctor lived about an hour south of where we were now living. He suggested that I be given a shot of some kind that will help my body to let go of what it believes is a pregnancy, or baby. He said he gave it to his wife when she experienced this situation. It was safe and less "dramatic" than have surgery done to my body. I agree to take his advice and I am given two shots of fluid into each side of my bum cheeks. (Nice visual, hu?) Sorry!

I am told to go back in every 2 days to the LapCorp to have my blood tested. My numbers still would not go back down to zero, they would rise a little, drop a little and it was becoming a very long precess. My body wasn't letting go. I had to go in and have the shots one more time as a last resort before surgery. Finally, after almost 2 months worth of needles, blood test, sadness and loss. It was over.

I remember the last day I got the last shot, I met Mark for lunch and as I am sitting there, tired from all the poking my body endured for last 2 months. I just started crying. Trying to keep it covered so people sitting around having their lunch, didn't look at my husband as if he was the one making me cry. We held hands and he tried to comfort be as best as he could. Reality set it, that I lost our first baby.

August 12th, I took a test and it was 'pregnant', because I used the Clear Blue response that says you are pregnant or not pregnant. I wasn't taking any risk with those test with lines and plus signs, I wanted to clearly have my answer. This time we got excited, but a little reserved. We didn't share with anyone but maybe a very few close inner circle group of friends and family. We kept it quiet until that 3 months had passed and we were safe. However, it was easy to hide considering how sick I was the ENTIRE 3-months, and the ENTIRE pregnancy term. Wow, was that a rough pregnancy.

Come April 14th, 2008, our baby girl Morgan Paige. What a beautiful day that was and will always be to this family. We had our prayers answered and we were gifted by God a child, His gift. Thank you, God, for our gift from you, our two beautiful healthy children.

However, there comes a time here and there, not as much as it use to, but they still appear. That I will wonder about that little baby we had lost. Was it a boy? Was it a girl? Twins? (Okay, maybe that's reaching..... with the twin thing. HA!) I still feel sad and wonder about that angel and what had happened to lose s/he. Along with that sadness, I have joy. Joy, because had I not experienced that loss, I then wouldn't have my little girl here today and boy do I LOVE her.

She is crawling, pulling herself up, starting to explore with more adult type of solid foods. She is breaking in more teeth, saying a few different words, waving hi and bye, and really starting to communicate and express herself. I'm so in love with her and so thankful to have her here with us today, but wanted to take a moment and let my other angel know that s/he is not forgotten.