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Lest you ever doubt the momentum of nostalgia, remember this: a 1987 sex comedy got a 2013 remake because a whole bunch of people played it when they were 12.

It hasn't scrubbed up well. The puzzles are of the 'click everything and hope you didn't miss a three-millimetre-wide beer stain in the corner' variety – about as crude as the comedy and half as entertaining.

Just give Kinect a moment, OK? Geez. Can't you see it's busy here, watching you do that funny stuff with your hands? Yeah, that stuff. The punchy stuff.

Yeah, it knows you're trying to wallop your opponent, but must you get so impatient? Calm yourself. Take stuff slow. That punch'll still be there when Kinect gets to it, right? Chill.

There, see? Just a second or two later and WHAM. We're on fire, baby. Nothing wrong with this motion-controlled fight game.

Now sit yourself down for another cutscene, because daddy's got a story to tell.

Star Trek: The Videogame

“I will follow your lead, Captain, but I am not sure that wall is a logical point of entry.”

Captain Kirk is determinedly jamming his face against the brickwork. There is nothing you can do. Soon, Spock will lose himself to despair and begin spilling his woes to his dearest friend - a nearby inanimate object.

The ladders have stopped working. They are trapped with each other's madness.

Aliens: Colonial Marines

The trailers promised the Aliens game of your dreams - a slick, scary first-person shooter so atmospheric it would make your monitor leak acidic drool.

What we got was so half-baked that every glitch-free second counts as a success for the developer. An alien noticing that you exist qualifies as solid gameplay.

There is even an entire level you cannot actually finish. But maybe that was a mercy. Maybe the developers were just trying to spare you the next six levels.

Seduce Me

Seduce Me was designed to show that games can have non-gory adult content, that gamers are mature, that we can responsibly handle, y'know, grown-up stuff.

It has conclusively proven that we cannot responsibly handle grown-up stuff.

However dire you think the writing in a self-described 'erotic strategy game' would be, you're still working within the bounds of human imagination. What you envision is but a puddle, and the truth is a fathomless lake of dear god that word is not sexy.

Ride to Hell: Retribution

When you're cut, you bleed whiskey.

That's how butch you are. You're a Harley-riding, hard-drinking son of a gun, and there's an open road between you and retribution. Ain't nothin' gonna slow you down.