The Unisex Purity Test

If you thought the millenial purity test was bad, well you ain’t seen nuttin’ yet!

This is the 1500 point Purity Test!

We felt that the 1000 point version lost a lot of the “fun” of the earlier versions, so we re-wrote it, adding a few new sections, and a shitload of questions. This test is guaranteed to be nosier than your parents, more invasive than the census, and containing something to offend everybody.

Enjoy (and I know you will).

Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with going down. The risen flesh commands: let there be love. Murphy’s law on sex: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory. The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed any of the actions contained herein.

Instructions for Use:

This is a fairly long test consisting of 1500 questions. It starts out tame and gets progressively worse (or better, depending on your viewpoint). There are many ways of going about taking this test. You can, of course, as your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social and sequester yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that the most fun way to utilize this test is to hold a Purity Test Party. All you need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (Lots of writing implements and paper would be useful too.) The person with the copy of the test is the test administrator; s/he reads the questions out loud and everybody else writes down their answers. We have no definite rules as to whether the participants are required to divulge their answers; that is up to the group to decide. However, being open with your answers leads to some great conversations. But no matter what you decide, each person’s purity score should be made common knowledge. (The person with the highest score gets to be giggled at for the rest of his/her life.) This works great at parties and lets everybody know who’s easy and who isn’t, so you’ll know who to go home with. Don’t leave home without it.

On the whole, this is biased for experience and, hence, age. If you’re still too young to qualify, well, these things take time. Chaste makes waste. Virginity can be cured. Remember: the conjugation is “I am erotic, You are kinky, They are perverts”

All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have happened before that time is considered not standing and void.

Definitions: (for the innocent, naive, or too busy)

Necking: the kissing or stroking of a persons head or neck, the stroking of arms hands or back.

Petting: the above plus the caressing or fondling of other portions of anatomy; through or underneath clothing.

Posslq: “person of the opposite sex sharing living quarters.” Bureaucrat for live-in lover.

Masturbation: the rubbing/feeling of your genitals. Doesn’t need to be to orgasm. Can be through clothing.

Mutual Masturbation: You masturbating your partner and/or you being masturbated. Not necessarily both at the same time.

We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no passing nor failing score. Therefore, one really shouldn’t worry too much about getting a high score…even if you do get giggled at for the rest of your life.

— ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT —

And, most of all, this is entertainment. Have as much fun in the taking as was had in the making.

Note to the test administrator:

Even though we tried to prevent it, this test can get monotonous. Try to “liven” it up by adding comments and goofiness wherever you want to. Encourage testees to be open with their answers. Taking a break is allowed, but not recommended. Plan on a few hours. Order some pizza. Get a keg. Have a party.

I. The Lamer Section

(Good Clean, ‘Wholesome’ Activities – 90 Questions)

Have you ever:

1. held hands with someone?

2. hugged somebody?

3. kissed a friend or stranger as a friendly gesture?

4. kissed a friend or stranger as an unfriendly gesture?

5. flirted?

6. been on a date?

7. been on a date past one a.m.?

8. stood someone up?

9. dated someone on a regular basis?

10. gone steady?

11. slam danced?

12. slow danced?

13. copped a feel while slow dancing?

14. tangoed?

15. waltzed?

16. lambadaed?

17. had the symptoms of Russian (rushing) Fingers?

18. had the symptoms of Roman (roaming) Hands?

19. asked someone who you were not going out with and had never gone out with if he/she was a virgin?

135. masturbated while watching an R or X rated movie in private (cable, videotape, or film)?

136. masturbated while watching an R or X rated movie in public (a theatre)?

137. masturbated while on the phone (no kinky interpretations of “on the phone”. This means you were talking to somebody through the phone lines while you were masturbating. The other party need not know what you were doing, you little pervert)?

138. masturbated while driving?

139. masturbated in a public bathroom?

140. masturbated in a public bathroom of the opposite sex?

141. masturbated in any public place?

142. masturbated in the wild?

143. masturbated where there was the possibility of being caught?

144. been “caught” masturbating?

145. adjusted your genitals in public (you’d think they’d be set at the factory)?

146. performed oral sex on yourself (yes, it IS possible)?

147. “basted” yourself (inserting a turkey baster into a major orifice and doing the suction thing)?

148. inserted anything into your rectum and then walked around all day?

149. affected an accent (SCA or Theatre doesn’t count)?

150. asked a female friend, of her new male friend, ‘.. is he hung’?

151. sent a strip o gram?

152. done a strip tease for someone?

153. been to a burlesque show (Rocky Horror counts)?

154. been to a peep show?

155. been to a live sex show?

156. been to a erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie?

157. been to a private showing of a erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie (The classic ‘stag’ party, even if you’re female)?

158. held a private showing of an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie?

1443. eaten the animal after you performed any of the above activities?

XVII. Let there be Lips!

(The Rocky Horror Picture Show [RHPS] – 42 Questions)

Have you:

1444. seen RHPS (video or wherever)?

1445. seen RHPS in the theatre?

1446. seen RHPS more than 69 times in the theatre?

1447. more than 100 times?

1448. more than 500 times?

1449. more than 1000 times?

1450. more than 1500 times?

1451. are you Sal Piro?

1452. joined the national RHPS fan club?

1453. seen RHPS with a live cast?

1454. seen RHPS while drunk or stoned?

1455. seen RHPS while on acid?

1456. seen RHPS while on any other drug?

1457. seen The Rocky Horror Show (the musical play)?

1458. dressed in costume for an RHPS?

1459. do you know the entire movie by heart (lyrics and dialogue, without any soundtracks playing. Basically, could you recite the movie right now for us?)?

1460. done the Time Warp in the nude?

1461. done the Time Warp in the nude in mixed company?

1462. participated in an RHPS production?

1463. participated in an RHPS as a character of the opposite sex?

1464. participated in an RHPS as more than one character in one show?

1465. while you were participating, had “prop failure” (costume falling off revealing more than intended)?

1466. caused someone else to have prop failure?

1467. participated in an RHPS production while stoned or drunk?

1468. participated in an RHPS production while on acid?

1469. participated in an RHPS production while on any other drug?

1470. during an RHPS, necked/petted?

1471. during an RHPS, had oral sex?

1472. during an RHPS, fucked (that’s what the back row is for)?

1473. been kicked out of an RHPS?

1474. been a member of an RHPS cast?

Have you performed, for an entire show, the part of:

1475. Frank-N-Furter (a scientist)?

1476. Janet Weiss (a heroine)?

1477. Brad Majors (a hero)

1478. Riff Raff (a handyman)?

1479. Magenta (a domestic)?

1480. Columbia (a groupie)?

1481. Dr. Everett V. Scott (a rival scientist)?

1482. Rocky Horror (a creation)?

1483. Eddie (ex delivery boy)?

1484. The Criminologist (an expert)?

1485. A Transylvanian (a transylvanian)?

XVIII. Eyes on Your Own Papers, Please

(Testing – 15 Questions)

Have you:

1486. had an unauthorized crib sheet for a test?

1487. flunked an IQ test?

1488. had to study for a blood test?

1489. lied on a Purity Test to improve you score?

1490. done something with the intent to ‘improve’ your Purity Test scores or used a Test for inspiration (using the Purity Test as a check-list)?

1491. been jealous of, or impressed by, someone else’s test scores?

1492. read a Purity Test aloud, without omitting sections or being embarrassed?

1493. taken a group purity test?

1494. taken any form of a purity test more than five times?

1495. administered a group purity test?

1496. participated in a purity test with ulterior motives?

1497. remembered something by taking a purity test?

1498. written or re-written a purity test?

1499. If you’ve done something not mentioned on this test, say it aloud and let the group decide if you should get a point for it (maximum one point per person).

1500. If you weren’t offended by ANYTHING on this test, give yourself a point.

Warranty:

We hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come with a warranty, nor does it guarantee that it will get you laid or make you somehow somewhat better in bed or the haystack. The makers of this test are not responsible for any liabilities or damages resulting from this test, including but not limited to paternity suits.

Disclaimer:

The user of this test acknowledges that sex is a hazardous sport; that a person must copulate in control, and use good judgement at all times; that partners’ conditions vary constantly and are greatly affected by weather changes and previous use; and that dirty sheets, variations in terrain and bed surfaces, spouses/pimps/managers, forest growth, rocks and debris, clothed obstacles, and many other natural and man-made obstacles and hazards, including other users and customers, exist throughout the bedroom area. Personal managers (pimps/spouses) and sado-masochistic operations and equipment are constantly in use and may be hazardous to those not copulating in control. Impotence, collisions, and social diseases resulting in injury can happen at any time, even to those copulating in control with proper sexual equipment. Inherent risks are part of the sport and may exist within your partner. As a condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the user of this test agrees to copulate in control and within the limits of his/her ability, and further acknowledges and accepts these hazards, dangers, and risks and assumes the risk of injury or loss to person or damage to property which might result from use of the partner’s facilities.

As a further condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the customer understands and agrees that:

in the event of a transfer of use by another or anything else in the management’s opinion is misconduct, misuse, kinky, impotence, or nuisance, this service may be revoked without refund the partner is the property of the harem and, upon request, s/he must be presented to any authorized representative of the pimp/spouse sexual equipment must be visibly displayed at all times when you are in any bedroom and when approaching the bed to copulate.

Your sexual partner is not transferable; see Theft of Services, V.S.A., sections 2581 and 2582.

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Ask your doctor or pharmacist. Do not open back panel; no user serviceable parts inside. Propagate (this test) at will, even without the written permission of the publisher; just don’t edit or change it. You may or may not have additional rights which may vary from state to state (i.e. inebriated, ecstasy). Not recommended for children under twelve. Parental guidance discouraged and frowned upon. Pencils, additional paper, and batteries not included. Does not come with any other figures. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.

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