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Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Consider This

Extra Mayo, Please

When you are a perfect person such as you and I, we can
give ourselves permission to be driven meshugge over certain actions,
words and things, and there are quite a few of those around to annoy us,
are there not? So folks, since I do see a perfect person when I glance
into a mirror, not, I feel free to allow myself to go moderately
ballistic about the commonplace pronunciation of “sandwich.”

People!
I’m begging you. It is not SAMWITCH, nor is it SAMITCH. Please stop
saying that. The thing you eat that has stuff in between slices of bread
is called a SANDWICH. Sand, like that stuff on a beach you sit on
that’s attached to the edge of an ocean. Witch, like that green
squawking lady who melted at the end of The Wizard of Oz. SAND wich.
Repeat. SAND wich.

OK, now that we have all that organized, let’s talk
about the history of that culinary gem. I’ve done some research, but
research as you already know, is done by humans, many of whom are
flawed. Not all, as we’ve already noted, but some. So research must be
looked at with a jaundiced eye, and by the way, is that a yellow eye or
what? I’ll research that later. So let’s see what the researchers say
about the invention of the sandwich.

The Hawaiian Islands used to be called the Sandwich
Islands, apparently named for the fourth earl of Sandwich who was also
the British first lord of the Admiralty for the duration of the American
Revolution which I’m pretty sure we won. His birth name was John
Montagu and he had a hugely serious gambling problem. He was also a
serious bad boy, involved in graft, bribery and mismanagement of most
everything in which he was involved. And, shocker alert, he had a
mistress too.

Remember the explorer Captain James Cook? Montagu and Cook
were pals and it was Cook who named the Hawaiian archipelago after that
crazy gambling fool, his buddy Montagu. Don’t ask me why. In 1762,
when Montagu was 44 years old, he one day started to gamble and never
stopped for a full 24 hours. Naturally he got hungry but as compulsive
addictive folks do, he was loathe to stop gambling thinking the next one
would definitely be the mother lode, so he ordered sliced meats and
cheeses between pieces of bread be served to him constantly so he could
eat with one hand and continue gambling with the other. It only stands
to reason that these original fast-food items be named after him;
sandwiches. Well, actually it doesn’t, but that’s what happened. I’d
have thought they’d be named “Montagus” but no, they were “sandwiches”
from then on. There’s no record of John Montagu’s being able to quit
gambling and besides, doing that would not have afforded him immortality
as the alleged creator of the sandwich. And think about it; wouldn’t
it have sounded weird if you offered your kids a PBJ Montagu?

Actually, I think way, way before this Montagu gambling
marathon, the Romans may have partaken of such snacks, but that’s for
someone else to sort out.

The Egyptians lay claim to inventing bread around 2600
BC and the Germans centuries later discovered how to make rye bread so
strong and hard and awful it was called ”pumpernickel” and yes it was
used in the making of sandwiches. Still is. Would you be interested
in learning the translation of that name? It’s a little gross but a lot
funny so here goes. Sorry if I offend. “Pumper” means to break wind.
Nickel meant “the devil.” Thus, the German’s hard, dark sour rye bread
was considered so impossible to digest there were those who insisted
this bread could even make Satan break wind. Nasty.