Josh Freed: Autocorrect rampant, swearcheck close behind

Josh Freed, Special to The Gazette12.02.2012

"So many embarrassing errors show up on the Internet, British musician Ben Champion has written the “Autocorrect Love Song,” with lyrics that include:When I said I wanted to kill you, I meant to say kiss," Josh Freed writes.

You may have noticed an apology in this paper recently about one of my columns — after I was mugged by a vicious computer spellcheck program that mangled some of my words.

I’d switched languages in mid-column, throwing in a line of French, which confused the unilingual computer spellchecker — and it was too late for a human one to spot it.

So a French phrase “J’en suis fière” (I’m proud of it) was “autocorrected” to the closest English words the machine could find: “Jen suits fire” — which sounds like the name of a female rock group.

As computer spellcheck programs spread, it’s become routine to see strange errors reported — like a recent New York Times announcement apologizing for “incorrectly spelling an Ethiopian dish called ‘awaze tibs’ as ‘aware ties.’ ”

Or Reuters wire service referring to a Pakistan liberal party — the Muttahida Quami Movement — as the Muttonhead Quail Movement.

Or a scholarly article in Contemporary Sociology misspelling the names of all four authors. So a study by Gareis, Beavais, Gerstel and Sarkisian was credited to Agrees, Beaver, Gretel and Sardinian.

It’s hard to get too indignant because, like most people, I’m part of the problem. I use spellcheck when texting or emailing on my phone — which automatically corrects any strange or misspelled word into the word it “thinks” I mean. Just last week I emailed someone “please accept my tx” and they got a message saying “please accept my taxes.”

If I don’t re-read my messages carefully Pauline Marois routinely becomes Pauline Maoris, while ex-Mayor Tremblay turns into Mayor Tremble. And don’t even ask about the time I sent an email that ended up saying “Missouri loves company.”

Sure, I could turn the “autocorrect” function off but that’s the dilemma — it helps me type much faster on my tiny phone screen, so I leave it on and pray I’ll spot any errors. But if you get an email from me saying “You’re a real dunce,” I may have meant real prince.

The problem is we’re so addicted to new technology we’re losing the ability to live without it. According to a BBC survey, two-thirds of Britons can’t spell simple words like “definite” or “reasonably” on their own anymore. In fact, 90 per cent say they “defanately” rely on spellcheck.

As the “autocorrect generation” grows I suspect spelling is as doomed as math, or as knowing how to put a spare rib on your car — er, make that spare tire. Many teenburgers, sorry teenagers, now just bash out a sloppy version of whatever they’re texting, assuming they can spell wurds any way they want and the computer will correct them.

But so many embarrassing errors show up on the Internet, British musician Ben Champion has written the “Autocorrect Love Song,” with lyrics that include:When I said I wanted to kill you, I meant to say kiss

When I said I’d like to make mucus with you, sorry — I meant music.

Now you think I’m a psychopath — and our relationship is wrecked,

I never should’ve put my faith in … autocorrect.It’s all part of the new auto-intelligence era that’s filled with websites that can diagnose your backache, correct your tennis stroke or write you a birthday poem, then translate it into Chinese. Many people now drive cars with Bluetooth phone systems that automatically “remember” and dial numbers, so motorists can shout: “Phone Dennis!” — and accidentally call their dentist.

What other new auto-intelligence machines will be invented to oversee our lives? I suspect we’ll soon see “auto-swearcheck”: “Attention! There are three inappropriate words in this email that have been automatically corrected. ‘Hell’ is now replaced by ‘he’ll’, ‘f**k’ is replaced by ‘****’ — and tabernacle! by oy vey!

“Also since this message is addressed to your spouse, your marital ‘emotion-check’ program suggests you take a one-hour cooling down period before sending it.”

I also foresee “autocorrect wardrobe” that takes your photo, analyzes it and reports: “Sorry Josh — you can’t wear a brown jacket with red pants. Change now — and while you’re at it, please —those shoes!”

Another natural is “auto autocorrect,”w which oversees your driving like a backseat driver that’s always right. “Don’t turn here! — there’s construction down the block according to my GPS. Also, the speed limit is 40, mister, so slow down this car — or I will.”

Students already “borrow” heavily from Wikipedia, but how long before they have “autocorrect term paper” that corrects all grammar, spelling and facts? “No! — not the planes of Abraham, dummy — it’s not an airline.”

But can we trust the machines to get things right once we humans no longer know anything ourselves? According to my phone’s spellchecker, Dickens’s famous character Pip from Great Expectations gets autocorrected into Pepper — while Hamlet automatically becomes Ballet.

But then, maybe it doesn’t matter. In fact, I’m off to read some Ballet, eat some aware ties and escape my Missouri.

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