Thursday, July 1, 2010

ERROL FLYNN: A SELF CONFESSED COCK FROM WAY BACK

Errol Flynn was an Australian born, big-dicked movie star in the black and white olden days. He loved booze, morphine, fucking and brawling. He may have used his own sperm when making omelettes. He was charged with the statutory rape of two girls and it HELPED his career. He was rumoured to have been a Nazi spy. He had mirrored ceilings in his house to check himself out while getting his “Rock of Love” on. He hired a Cuban orchestra to follow him around wherever he went. He was fined 10 pounds for hitting a Chinama. He had a tendency to buy exotic animals when drunk. Australian Crawl wrote a song about him. His ghost haunted the boat he died on until they had it exorcised and he probably had more sex than you, me and Charlie Sheen put together.

Errol rose to fame as a swashbuckling hero of 1930’s and 1940’s period films like Captain Blood, The Adventures of Robin Hood and The Adventures of Don Juan. As the titles suggest, Errol spent most of his on-screen time adventuring, often clad in a puffy pirate shirt and tights with a suave pencil mo adorning his pretty face. He captained ships, rescued ladies and did a fair bit of that 'pressing his mouth hard on a woman’s without moving his lips' style kissing that was big at the time.

“I like my whisky old and my women young.” - Errol Flynn.

In October 1942 the Los Angeles District Attorney filed charges against Errol for the statutory rape of two teenage girls. Not surprisingly this made banner headlines across the world. His high powered lawyer character assassinated the girls, slandering their reputations by proving the DA had offered them immunity on criminal charges of oral sex and abortion in return for pressing charges against Errol. In 1942? And here was I thinking the dark ages were a tad earlier than that. Apart from Flynn’s public denial, apparently there was no question that he did indeed have sex with both of them. Errol was acquitted in February 1943. I wonder who had the more expensive lawyers?

Despite the fears of studio executives, not only did the trial not hurt his career but it actually helped it. His next film Gentleman Jim went on to be a big success. It also served to fuel his legend as a ladies man and led to the coining of the popular phrase “In like Flynn.” Nice one society!

Anyway, nobody put Errol in the naughty corner and he certainly didn’t learn his lesson. Obviously a firm believer in the age old adage “If there’s grass on the green it’s open for play”, his last girlfriend was 15 when they hooked up. He was 50. Someone had mommy issues. That’s an internal elephant-man level of emotional deformity to crave the sexual companionship of someone going through puberty. Seriously Errol, I don’t care how big your cock was, the hamster running your brain was obviously asthmatic and probably dying of syphilis. Sexy, sexy syphilis.

Errol had your Hollywood standard 3 marriages (to actual, fully grown women) and numerous affairs and flings with hundreds of others. What’s interesting is the pervasive talk of homosexuality springing from his associates and first wife. It’s rumored that during the 1949 filming of the Adventures of Don Juan, Errol and the screenwriter George Oppenheimer apparently had sex with the entire male fencing academy. Touché. There are also rumored affairs with Tyrone Powell, Howard Hughes and Truman Capote as well as other famous actors of the time.

It’s likely he was bisexual but probably didn’t consider himself so as it seemed he subscribed to the “any hole is goal” way of thinking. Either way he was into some kinky shit. Errol had his home built with a two way mirror on the bedroom ceiling with which he liked to not only watch himself get it on (with middle school marching bands) but he also had a trap door where he could spy Norman Bates-like on guests getting their freak on.

According to respected Hollywood gossips of the time, Errol was extremely well endowed. In fact the director of Robin Hood was a tad concerned about the extent to which he filled out his tights and was thinking of getting him to “strap himself…like the ballet dancers do.”

Errol loved to get his drink on and was one of those old school Hollywood types like Bogart who didn’t give a rat’s ass what the consequences of his addictions were. He used to tell an anecdote about how, when he was banned from drinking on set for his alcoholic antics, he used to inject oranges with vodka and eat them during his breaks.

On the rare occasions when he was drunk and had his hands free, Errol had a habit of buying exotic animals. He once bought an angry lion cub who he ended up abandoning with a desk clerk when he sobered up enough to realize it wasn’t as good an idea as he had previously thought.

Errol and his drinking buddies liked to play practical jokes on each other. One of note was soon after the death of his good friend (actor and Drews’ granddad) John Barrymore. Errol’s mates “borrowed” Barrymore’s corpse from a morgue, took it to Errol’s house and sat the body in a chair. When Errol came home drunk after being at a bar called the Cock and Bull for several hours, the first thing he saw when he opened the door was his friends cold dead body sitting there to greet him. Ah, there ain’t no party like an old school Hollywood booze party.

After Errol died of a heart attack in 1959 at the age of 50, his drinking buddies placed six bottles of whiskey in his casket. I’m surprised they didn’t throw a couple of pubescent girls in there for good measure but they were probably too drunk to make it happen – and most teenage girls can run faster than corpses.

“If it Moved, Flynn Fucked it.”- This is what Errol wanted inscribed on his tombstone.

The problem with writing an article on Errol Flynn is you’re never going to be able to get all the good bits in. There have been several biographies written about him but the best source would be his autobiography called My Wicked, Wicked Ways. Errol wanted to name the book In Like Me, but his publisher wouldn’t let him. Buzz kill publisher, that would’ve been a fitting title.

“I had by now made about forty-five pictures, but what had I become? I knew all too well: a phallic symbol. All over the world I was, as a name and personality, equated with sex. Playboy of the Western World. That was me…How far a field had I gone from my early ambitions? Does any man ever set out to become a phallic symbol universally, or does this not rather happen to a man in spite of himself?” -Errol Flynn.

1 comment:

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