My Stale Marriage

What happened to the man of my dreams?

I married the man of my dreams four years ago. I can confidently say that at that time I was the woman of his dreams. Now I am not so sure anymore. I feel as though our lives are slowly drifting apart and the worst part is that he seems not to care. I feel unhappy and unfulfilled in my marriage – he seems pretty content. I crave his love and care, and I do my best to be an involved and focused wife but feel underappreciated and unloved a lot of the time… I feel that he is not involved in my life, and does not care enough to get involved.

When I mention this to him, he inevitably replies 'I do love you, I do care about you!' But I don't buy it. Women are intuitive, and I am not reassured by his words.

How can I help him to understand my needs, and in which way can I change my behavior toward him to affect change in him? Talking to him doesn't seem to affect him. Many thanks.

The Rebbetzin's Answer:

My dear reader, you are to be greatly commended for addressing your situation before there is too much water under the dam. I'd like to share with you a number of basic insights gleaned from many years of marriage and counseling.

Contrary to popular thinking, marriage is not a spaceship propelled to its destination by a one-time launch. Marriage is a work in progress; it needs refueling on a moment to moment basis.

In our daily prayers, we address the Almighty as the one that "renews and recreates our world on a daily basis." The continuing existence of the world as it evolves requires new and fresh energy to keep it going. Similarly, our personal world, in microcosm, requires that we, its creator – its molders and shapers – invest every day with fresh energy that addresses the needs of the new day.

Marriage requires constant renewal and vigilance.

Marriages often suffer from the misconception that the happy couple walks off into the sunset and lives “happily ever after.” Yes we can live happily ever after, but the caveat is that the marriage requires constant renewal and vigilance. As with everything exciting in life, there is the danger that with time boredom can take over and rob the marriage of its original passion and vitality. It can become stale and commonplace.

To avert such a thing from happening and to sustain the dream – being the woman of his dreams and the man of your dreams – mandates a paradigm shift. We must let go of our script of our thwarted expectations, of our comparing every moment to what we had envisioned it would be. We must recognize that our dreams were made up of arbitrary thinking and not objective reality.

So long as we are preoccupied with holding on to that thinking, we are missing out on the many possibilities that inhere in the given situation. We would be well advised to drop our negative thinking by refusing to engage it; walk away from it, distract ourselves, etc. If we manage to clear our heads of our preconceived bias and script, we will make room for an altered perception and our mind will be open to a plethora of possibilities and options to explore and incorporate towards the betterment and restoration of our relationship.

Consider Jane, who turned a deaf ear to anyone who tried to suggest that her husband was in fact a fine person who cared about her and wished to make her happy. She insisted he was clueless, totally self-absorbed and content to live at a minimal level of interaction and intimacy. The ebb and flow of her relationship was one that vacillated between utter frustration and begrudging tolerance.

She finally understood that it was hers to assume responsibility for the nature and definition of her relationship. The reality of her life was hers to choose. If she continued to indulge her arbitrary script with her preconceived thinking of what her husband must bring to the marriage she would be choosing a life of misery. If she let go and disabused herself of her contaminated thoughts, and was committed to catch herself when she sensed herself falling back into old patterns of negativity, she would find hidden treasures. She would see and appreciate her husband as the worthy person that he was (not perfect of course).

When I met her husband recently and asked him how they were doing he grinned from ear to ear and remarked, “I always knew she had it in her.”

Needs vs. Complaints

It would be helpful, as well, dear reader, to articulate your needs to your husband. It is not very helpful to make general obscure comments, like “I don’t feel so happy or fulfilled and neither do you.” You need to take time out and identify specific needs: "I’d like to go for a 10 minute daily walk together. I’d like a lunch date once a week. I’d appreciate if you could come home a bit earlier or call me more often from work. I’d like you to bring me a flower once in a while or some gesture that shows me you are thinking of me. Please turn off your phone and look at me when you are talking to me," etc. Be careful not to phrase your requests as criticisms, i.e. “You never…” Don’t start sentences with “you.” These generally end up being perceived of as condemnations and no spouse, or any person for that matter, reacts well to being attacked. Complaints are acceptable, i.e. “We don’t get out much” rather than “You never take me out.”

Give positive feedback for every move in the right direction.

Instead of harboring resentment for what isn’t, paint a picture of what it would look like if it would be to your liking, and present the details, what it would take to make it so. Then have patience and give positive feedback for every move in the right direction. Remember that there is no greater motivator than compliments (only truthful ones). We all thrive on a good word and a pat on the back.

In conclusion, my dear reader, if your husband once occupied that privileged position as the man of your dreams, be assured that he can do so once again. For the most part, (barring of course the existence of extramarital involvement or porn addictions which can seriously compromise a marriage), it would require your adjusting your perception and thinking to make room for a positive reality.

May you – and all of us who seek to enhance our marriages, the primary relationship in our lives – be blessed with clarity and heavenly assistance.

Related Articles:

About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

Visitor Comments: 17

(16)
Anonymous,
March 28, 2012 8:21 PM

Prose

Rebbetzin, you're articles are great and I love reading them but I think you're using too much flowery language. I'm not an author nor have I written any books but I did graduate from a top university and did a lot of writing. I commend you for the amazing articles but I think you need to simplify and "dumb-down" the words you choose to use. Sometimes, because of your word choice, it's not so clear what you're trying to say. Stick to simplicity.

(15)
jgarbuz,
November 19, 2010 7:42 PM

Marriage is not a dream. It is the ultimate manifestation of reality.

In Jewish law, marriage is a contractual commitment in which each partner commits, and is devoted, to building a family within the context of Jewish law. It is not the answer to dreams and fantasies. But at the core of any lasting relationship of any kind are respect and trust and a strong willingness by both partners to work out and compromise over the invariable differences that will rise in time. Of course, divorce is the tragic consequence when one or both sides refuses to try to do so. Most tragic when children are involved. Divorce should only be an option when ALL others have been fully tried and exhausted. It should not be a quick escape valve.

Anonymous,
April 26, 2013 8:27 AM

covenant, not contract

My understanding is that in Judaism, marriage is a covenant type of relationship, not contract type. God made a covenant with the Jewish people, and He likens his relationship with them to a marriage, calling Israel His bride. This should teach us about marriage, that it is supposed to be a covenant relationship, not a contract. The view of it as a contract is probably one reason why our society has such a high marriage failure rate.

(14)
Mrs. R.,
November 18, 2010 9:45 PM

perhaps

There is a possibility that should be considered. Emotional damage to the heart, particularly of a sexual nature, locks a person's ability to be sensitive to others. Childhood issues of this nature, pornography, etc. keep a person spouse at a distance and many wives can sense it when the two become one in marriage.... Could that be a possibility?? Just wondering.

(13)
Shalom Bayis,
November 17, 2010 4:10 PM

Most likely, he has unprocessed feelings blocking his love for you

From your story, I would guess this is a simple case of the two of you needing to process his feelings together to rise to the next stage of your relationship. I have no doubt that he truly loves you. Very likely - like most all married persons - marriage was not exactly as he expected. The clash between his dream and the reality arouses complicated mixed emotions. Women tend to be hypersensitive to changes in relationships, and often work them out by intensive conversation between themselves. Men often are befuddled by abstract crises along the road, and don't have the immediate language skills to express their many emotional rollercoaster twists they go through, let alone sort it out constructively. So they just soldier on, trying to be the best husband they can, but intimacy suffers. If you can sort this out together, it would immensely enrich your closeness and bonding. Some of the suggestions of comments 1,2 and 3 are good: He probably had a vision of what marriage would be like, and what 'love language' he needs to be satisfied. By listening to his dreams, you can draw out his feelings, and allow him to articulate what is in his heart. By expressing appreciation for all the effort he puts into trying to talk, you will allow him to feel safe sharing his feelings, and making him happy to spend more time with you. Suggestion: Don't talk about talking, "Can we talk?" Rather, during a peaceful time together, mention how marriage is always different than expected. Express in a light, humorous manner some of the ways it turned out different for you (this shows your vulnerability, your openness to intimacy). Then ask him how his premarital vision differed to his life afterwards. Ask him what were his biggest shocks over the past four years. Express your understanding how he must feel from all this. Ask him what he would like most to be different. Express to him how much you would like to give him what he wants most. And then tell us how it went! :) Hatzlacha Rabba!

(12)
Lenny,
November 17, 2010 3:32 PM

what about women

Somehow, this article makes it seem like Men are the ones usually responsible. In my experience and marriage, it's trying to get my wife to do anything, like be intimate, that is met usually with declarations of "tiredness" or whatever. All you women think you absolutely have no problems. You're wrong.

(11)
Sara,
November 17, 2010 1:03 PM

Dear Rebbetzin,
I do agree that eventually marriage gets settled and "boring". But I would like my husband to share things with me. He doesn't talk much and sometimes I find out things from other people when I would prefer him telling me. How do I get my husband to talk more? We've been married for a year and he doesn't know what we could possibly talk about. Thank you!!!

(10)
jerry,
November 17, 2010 12:21 PM

dont give up

marriage should always be worked on the way we work on our bodies daily to look presentable, smart etc. it is full of challenges but always focus on the positive. there are good things about your husband that you focus on,
dont be led by feelings as feelings come to and end, marriage is a long term thing,
jerry from kenya

(9)
Margarita,
November 15, 2010 8:02 PM

my answer to Rebetzin Feige Twerski

i think i can see where you are coming from - you think that there was a romance and it is not neutered by reality of life and you might be right.
however i hope that the advice you have given to that lady was at least a bit more comprehensive than this article (please don't get offended). what you are saying is great to give a go, but most likely this lady has a sense of things going on and she needs more than that. she has reached out to you, so i hope you have suggested to her trying therapy as a next point and above all if things will not work out - there should be no blame to either party.
and this is what i would like to stress - reading your answer does not allow for any developments except re-kindling romance. you have to allow her the way out without blame......
on a positive note - i appreciate your blessing at the end. this is great and i do hope things can be restored.
again, i hope that the real advice you have given was more comprehensive and for whatever reason you have decide to simplify the situation for the sake of writing the article.

(8)
Anonymous,
November 15, 2010 5:29 PM

I agree with #5. For the husband to say "I always knew she had it in her" is awful! I understand that we are all responsible for our own view of things BUT in this case seems like the burden of it falls on the woman ("Jane" in the example above.) Would have been nice to see this husband take his own responsibility for his part in the marriage (especially if he was such a fine person who cared about her like the article said.)
I am so tired of articles and people that put MORE burden on the wife to fix everything. That somehow she can make something happen. Gives stress and frustration! A woman is a human too, not a superhero!
#5, I sympathize with your situation 100% and I am going through something similar. It is very difficult. May Hashem guide you in gentleness with peace and courage into all things good....

(7)
Anonymous,
November 15, 2010 2:44 PM

Beware! This COULD mean betrayal!

Have you ever thought he might have a girlfriend? He shows indifference towards you but assures you that he loves you. This could (again: COULD!, be careful not to openly suspect him!) be a sign that he is getting his excitement elsewhere but still wants to keep you. Investigate carefully.

(6)
Suzanne,
November 15, 2010 1:00 PM

That'd be great if . . .

If he is interested in listening to the things she would like
If he does not dismiss any compliment as patronizing
If he does not take anything other than absolutely agreement and adoration as an attack
Then this would work.
You can "choose to be positive" and tell yourself the moon is as warm as the sun all night long and it won't make it so.
It sounds like her husband isn't interested in hearing th specifics of what would make her happy.

(5)
Tracey,
November 15, 2010 1:45 AM

Yeah, Right

I've been married 30 years to a good and decent man -- and that's the reason I don't leave him. I've been unhappy for years, and despite taking advice like Feigie is giving, let me tell you the truth -- no matter what you do, he's never going to change or appreciate you. My husband does love me, he loves the "idea" of me, that is, he likes the idea of having a wife. (I'm just a "charm" on his "to-do" bracelet, which was followed by getting a house, having a child, getting a dog, etc.) I work full time (supported the family when he was unemployed), take care of things around the house that he repeated ignores (he figures if he ignores things, they'll take care of themselves), cook, clean, etc. After years of marital therapy, even our therapist gave up on him. I'm now in therapy to learn how to live a parallel life -- that is, until I have the courage to leave. Before we got married, he was affectionate and thoughtful. But once he wed, it was over. Try marital therapy now, but be prepared just in case it doesn't work. (And Feigie, when that man said "I knew she had it in her" made me want to puke. How condescending. She did all the work and he gets the reward.

(4)
lisa,
November 14, 2010 7:29 PM

If it's not broken don't fix it.....but what if it is broken....

they say marriage needs constant work...well I know many couples who dont "work" on their marriage..it just evolves beautifully......either they are just lucky & have mazel or they are very well suited & they mutually respect each other. I dont think my Bobbie & Zaidee from Hungary "worked" on their marriage (who had time for that??), albeit they loved each other for what they each were & that was that!!! No "men are from Venus & women are from Mars". The couple here...specifically the wife feels something is missing. So something is.....maybe they need to bring in a 3rd person......aka a therapist. And maybe...just maybe the man of your dreams is not dreamy anymore & maybe you both have drifted apart. Isnt that OK?? Sad...but OK?

(3)
,
November 14, 2010 7:18 PM

Rad the book THE FIRVE LOVE LANGUAGES. It helps so much because many times we love someone in the way we want to be loved, - but that is not the way they feel loved.

(2)
Miriam,
November 14, 2010 6:02 PM

And don't forget to follow up with happy appreciation!

If he does do something you asked him to do, always follow up with some positive reinforcement. (Husbands are human too!) "That was so wonderful to spend time with you! Thank you for making the time!" or "I felt so loved when you called from work today. Thank you!" Eventually, he'll get the hint that it doesn't take that much to make a woman happy. Right now, it probably seems unreachable to him.

(1)
SusanE,
November 14, 2010 5:08 PM

Was the Writer Happy and Fufilled before Marriage?

The writer is correct when she says talking to him doesnt help. If you are wondering what happened your dream man.... perhaps he is wondering what happened to his dream woman, too. You described yourself as an unhappy and unfulfilled woman. Were you that when you got married?
Most women never realize that men have dreams too. He had surely envisioned also how he hoped to spend your life together. That vision probably didn't involve an 'unhappy and unfulfilled woman'. Begin listening to what his dreams were for the marriage. If talking doesn't help then listening might help.
The Rabbi gives very good and sound advice.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...