My So-Called Sex Life

5 Ways to Fight Fair in Marriage

It's Day 4 of Spring Break. While the beach, the science museum and a house that resembles a train station of six-year-olds tracking mud and juice boxes all over the hard wood is lovely, I'm starting to hit breaking point.

Sadly for a few friends of mine, their marriages have also hit breaking point. Unlike Rex and my average spat, it has little to do with a few toys strewn (my responsiblity) over the freshly mowed lawn (his pride and joy.) Their problems, like the sunflowers my kids and I are growing, have deep roots. They were not tended. They were not treated with warmth and flowing rivers of love. They are now mangled weeds forming a big garden of Divorce.

Everyone fights. But I'm realizing, more than ever, how important it is to do it nicely. It doesn't mean we all have to agree. In my mind, Rex will forever be too tight with the budget. In his mind, I will forever run late and never have enough Cheerios in the house. But rather than scream at each other or name call, we can gently nudge each other toward change. At some point, he will always have cereal and I will have mastered time. (This will be because I am dead and he will inherit the food shopping.)

This article spells out some great ideas on keeping fights fair. My favorite five include:

What You'll Need

* Conflict management skills. How do you handle pressure? I get snappy. I'm talking ridiculously childish and tit for tattylike. (Yes, tattylike is a word.) I'm learning to take a deep breath and speak softly. It keeps me from yelling or saying things I'll regret. "Screw you, I hate you" comes to mind with that one. I said it only once but vowed to never say it again. So far, so good! Lucky for me, Rex is good at forgiveness, which is second on the list.

* Willingness to forgive. We all have said and done things we regret. It doesn't have to define us. Of course everyone has different versions of what they will let slide. Jesse James' recent behavior? Maybe not so much. But not buying a Christmas gift for me because Rex took my "I don't need anything" very, very, oh so very literally? I'm letting that go. It happened ten years ago and doesn't need to be brought up every holiday season just for kicks and giggles.

* A sense of fairness. It's never easy to see someone else's viewpoint during a spat - hence the fight. But it's crucial to see where the other person is coming from and validate that, even if you don't agree. In my case, I want another baby. Rex does not. It's been a thorn in my side for a few years now. But really, if I look at it without emotion, I see where he is coming from. Our finances, as well as our age and stage in life don't warrant it. He has recently told me that with the kids getting bigger, he sees why I find the idea of "one more chance at childhood" so endearing. It doesn't mean we're going to have another child, but it's nice to know he understands my side of the coin.

* Putting your marriage first.This tip, more than any other, is what keeps me coming back over and over. While I might not agree with Rex on everything, I love our life. I love our home. Why would I continually encourage conflict in a place that's supposed to be our refuge? I remind myself of this when I'm at breaking point and can more easily utilize the advice above.

What are the things that make you fight? Does it have to be all or nothing? Do you have to fight to be right? Or can you agree to disagree?

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