Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Election Night

solitaire: Where in the hell are you at?? What is all that damn noise in the background? You were supposed to be at Election Headquarters hours ago!!

HumanityCritic: I'm having a few drinks with some very nice ladies.(Takes body shot off of one of the women) Take it easy, it's Friday night, let a brother have some fun!

solitaire: Actually it's Tuesday and it's 11 Am. Are you trying to sabotage your political career with your recent antics? I mean, the "Birthday Hangover" post, your anger issues, and I just love the reports coming out of Washington where you went on a black Republicans blog and called him, and I quote, "a cocksucking assclown"? Nice, who are the girls you are partying with anyway?

solitaire: OK, that is pretty impressive. Now come the hell on already.

(About an hour later HumanityCritic arrives at Election headquarters, where his election team is frantically manning the phones, and about a million T.V's are tuned in to election coverage)

solitaire: You look a mess, you could have at least shaved Grizzly Adams!(fixing clothes and wiping his face with a napkin and some of her spit. You know, like mom used to do)

HumanityCritic: Heeey! You are my campaign manager and I have love for you and everything, but the spit-wipes are a bit much.

solitaire: You want to play the germaphobe now but you got mouth-hugs from those two presidential harlots? Who knows where they have been?

HumanityCritic: You have a point.

(Everyone focuses in on the television, where Wolf Blitzer on CNN is announcing the results of the election)

Wolf Blitzer: Ladies and Gentlemen, all the votes are in, and it looks like that lovable dreadlocked black bastard, The HumanityCritic has won in four categories at the BlackWeblogAwards!

solitaire: We won!! My parents, my friends, everyone told me that I was committing career suicide being your campaign manager, so you winning is absolutely great. Granted, you have the temperament of a 5 year old, make inappropriate advances towards women, sometimes come off as the biggest asshole on earth, and I think that your fighting issues come from the fact that you probably have a incredibly small penis, but you won!!

(camera shows the reaction of some people around the country to HumanityCritic's win)

Disgruntled Ex girlfriend watching coverage: After we had sex he used to say shit like, "Your money is on the table, get lost!" Fuck him!!

Disgruntled Blogger watching coverage: My blog is funnier than his, I was a writer for "Pootie Tang" for Christs sake, and was a contributing writer for the theatrical masterbate "Booty Call". Fuck him!

(The next day the blogosphere sets up a beautiful acceptance speech parade with scores of people waving signs and balloons, beautiful women who look like they just got finished dancing in a Jay-Z video, and convertible low-riders as far as the eye can see)

(After Bill Clinton finishes doing the "cripwalk" dance with Hillary to the sounds of M.O.P and MF DOOM, who were HC's opening acts, Bill addresses the crowd)

Bill Clinton: Wheew, that was fun. Today is a very special occasion because a dear friend of mine, The HumanityCritic, has won at the BlackWeblog awards. America has spoken and..(suddenly fixes his eyes on the girl from the Outkast video "The way you move") Damn girl you got a fat ass!! Can a brother take a bite??!

(HumanityCritic roll up in a beautiful drop top, blasting Public Enemy's "Shut em down", with a joint in his mouth. He is with his security team, B.H.A.I.L, consisting of Amadeo, Iselfra, Luke Cage, and Belle)

Luke Cage: No Problem! (Luke Cage smashes the blogger in the face, making his body of hatred fly about 30 feet)

HumanityCritic:(steps to the podium to address the crowd):Thank you all for coming. Last night was tough, but it was a great night.(Applause.) The voters turned out in record numbers and delivered an historic victory. (Applause.)

Earlier today, other bloggers called with their congratulations, which was sweet, especially because I was willing to bitchslap anyone who talked shit. But they were gracious, which a brother appreciates. The other bloggers waged a spirited campaign, but it just goes to show you that voters love to hear stories about titties, throat-chops, and my two minute love making. (Applause.)

The blogishere has spoken, and I'm humbled by the love and good will showed to a chubby black bastard who masturbates like it's going out of style. With that love comes a duty to serve all bloggers, and I will do my best to be the best blogger I can be, and occasionally beat up a black republican or two along the way.

There are many people to thank, and my family comes first. (Applause.) My mother, my backbone, the only person that can call me an asshole and I know it's coming from a place of love, thank you. I love you dearly. (Applause.) I want to thank solitaire, who not only acted as my campaign manager, but was the one that alerted me of the blackweblogawards in the first place. I want to thank Iselfra who told me "be sure not to fall off", words that stuck with me and inspired me to keep blogging. I want to thank Karsh for setting creating the blackweblogawards in the first place, and all the kind individuals that donated prizes. There are too many people to name, but most of all I want to thank all of you that voted for me. I appreciate your love and kindness and I hope you continue to visit my blog anytime, you are definitely welcomed with open arms. I share this award with all of you who made it happen(wiping a tear), so all of you take a bow as well.(Applause)

In closing, I will make all of you proud, I'll continue to be the same abrasive asshole with a penchant for throat-chopping that all of you have grown to love over the past year. Thank you so much! (Applause)

(HumanityCritic walks away from the podium, but quickly returns and says the following:)

You waged a hard-nosed, extensive 16-month campaign...no wait, you campaigned for like two weeks. But you obviously appealed to the Oprah moms and value voters of Virginia Beach who can't cuss near the beach and time your sprints across the street at crosswalks (I've visited). Congrats, and hopefully I can give you some competition next year!