John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

One of the best things you can do is have "normal" conversations, rather than make forced attempts to say something profound. (Published 6/24/2014)

Q:

My brother has stage IV cancer that has spread to his liver. We are very close but don't live in the same state. How can I make sure I say and do the "right" things so that I don't have regrets later on? Is there information about how to have candid conversations about letting go and saying goodbye?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Yours is an excellent question, and obviously shows concern for your brother’s feelings and for your own.

There’s no valid information that we’re aware of “about how to have candid conversations about letting go and saying goodbye?” because it presumes something that cannot be presumed, that being that the dying person would agree to that kind of conversation.

However, that’s not to say it’s impossible that your brother might open up such a conversation from his own point of view, which would automatically invite you in to say what you wanted and needed to say, and at least make it safe for you to say goodbye.

We would suggest that you avoid the idea of “letting go,” in part because we think it can be an unhelpful and unachievable idea.

That said, we can give you some guidance. Follow this basic idea when talking with your brother, “Tell the Truth About Yourself, All the Time,” and you’ll be on the right track. Two things that means are: Don’t give unsolicited advice, and don’t interrogate him about what and how he’s feeling. You can say how you feel, but also remember that telling the truth about yourself is not an excuse to use your truth as a blunt weapon to harm him.

Here’s an example of something you might say that is truthful about you but won’t set up a bad response: “I’m having such a hard time not being near you and not to be able to do more to help you.”

Based on your unique relationship with him you will know what kinds of thoughts and feelings will be safe for you to say to him. For the things that you think unwise to say directly to him, makes sure that you communicate them to someone you trust—someone who will not be burdened by having to avoid telling him.

Also, surprisingly enough, one of the best things you can do is to just try to have “normal” conversations. You’d be surprised how much dying people want that, instead of what they often feel are forced attempts to say something of great importance.

Here’s something very important, every time you end a phone conversation, end it with “I love you, Goodbye.” That assumes that “I love you” is a phrase you’d normally say to him. Goodbye, is the normal way we end conversations, so if you always end your calls with him with that phrase, you’ll know that if and when the last call happens, that you said goodbye.