Date My Mom #5

I don't do these reviews too often. Sometimes I sit and think "I should do another one" cause people seem to like them. Then I sit down and watch an episode and I'm reminded why I wait so long in reviewing these episodes. They are just so god awful.

But after the recent controversy with a former contestant sending me a message, I felt the need to do a new episode. So I popped in the DVD I have of all the episodes I taped one night and I settled on this one. This one is a bit different because...it's a lesbian episode.

I'm a little hesitant to take on a gay/lesbian episode only cause people tend to get offended if you make one joke that sounds like gay bashing. I tend to be a little harsh at times but I don't mean it. Sometimes. So I said hell with it, let's do the lesbian episode but I shall preface this with a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: I have no problems with gay and lesbian people. I know several gay and lesbian people and they are fuckin' awesome. The fact they aren't allowed the same rights hetero people have is fucking terrible and doesn't make sense cause in the end, we are all just people, right? And shouldn't people be happy? So any jokes I might have to say in this review isn't in any way meanspirited towards people with different sexual orientations. I'm just being my usual self. With that said, let's get this train wreck a-rollin!

Our dater is Ramona, a 20-year-old half Indian/Half Jamaican. I'm gonna tell you now we're only gonna focus on the India half. There isn't a date where Ramona and a mom smoke weed and listen to Bob Marley. Unfortunately.

Ramona is 100% into girls, is studying to be a pediatrician, so she don't want to date a baby. That's probably good cause that'd be illegal. She also says she likes dating girls, so she better date a fucking girl. Keep this thought in mind. Now Ramona is off to "give 3 moms their 1st lesbian experience". I doubt this will be their "first".

First Mom and Daughter is Cheryl and Jenai. I have no idea how to pronounce Jenai. I thought it was just a weird way of spelling "Jenni" but Cheryl says it with like 8 syllables and is apparently Cuban. So I don't know. Anyway, during their intro I can't understand a fucking word Cheryl says. She says something like "We keep it blarhgh burlgh barrgh!" I rewound this five times and couldn't understand it. Unfortunately I understood the next line she said: "I'm gonna win cause I'm craka-lacka!"

Hunker down, it's gonna be a long episode.

Ramona arrives at their door, saying in Commentary Style "Shh, I'm about to date a mom. Wanna watch?" Well...yes. That's why I'm watching "Date My Mom". Kind of the point of the show, sweetheart.

During the date prepping with Cheryl and Jenai, there are several wine jokes cause "Sideways" just came out at this point and the world was clamoring for wine jokes. We re-learn that Jenai is Cuban and Cuban's are known for being sexy. I guess I agree with that. Dezi Arnez was hot. I learn that "culo" is Cuban for "ass" and Jenai got it. She most certainly does.

Ramona shows up and barely scrapes at the door, which can be heard all the way in the backyard (Why do these things happen in backyards?) and as Cheryl is leaving, Jenai says "no negative energy!" Aww...guess I gotta stop doing this review.

Eh, fuck that. I already watched and wrote these notes down.

When Ramona spots Cheryl, who's about 9 feet tall, but in a slender way, not like the Mom in the first episode I covered, Ramona says Commentary Style "Mom's legs are longer than my whole body! I love that!"

The date Ramona is taking Cheryl on: Bollywood Dancing! I'm not making that up. They dress in Indian garb and start dancing. And for whatever reason, they're obsessed with poking their heads out from behind trees cause this happens THREE FUCKING TIMES!

Cheryl states that Ramona seems innocent and doesn't know if she can handle "all this". Either she's referring to herself or Jenai. And I do wanna point that out. Ramona seems like a nice reserved girl who probably talks properly and doesn't say stupid sexist things. But the things MTV made her say is just awful. I kinda feel awful for her. Ramona, if you find this, I really like you and I hope you found happiness, just not through MTV.

After the Bollywood dancing, they sit down to talk about Jenai. We learn that Jenai is Cuban for "The Rose" (wouldn't that be El Jenai? Whatever), and that Jenai has "more of this (boobs), more of this (muscles), and more of this (ass)!" This intrigues Ramona. Other interesting aspects: found out she was gay at age 10, Mom is happy about that, and she won Miss Cuba 2004. I guess she gave Fidel a boner. Oh and there was literally two sentences Cheryl said in Commentary Style that I have no fucking clue what she said. Translator?

But now is the time we find out the embarrassing secret that Jenai would never admit if she was on this date with Ramona. Jenai is deathly afraid of fish.

I....ugh. I can't even make this joke cause MTV made Ramona say it. You know what joke. I feel offended for even watching it, I'm not saying it. Just so wrong.

We get a lovely story of Jenai, when she was a kid, being chased by someone holding a fish and she was so scared she peed herself. Well, any chances Jenai had of winning went out the window. Thanks Mom! Ramona had enough and decides to take Cheryl back home. When they part ways, Cheryl tells Ramona "Remember, we're all that AND a bag of chips". Oh 1990's humor.

After the break, we meet Jocelyn and her daughter Jamie. We learn Jamie is "in the middle". So she's bi? We find out this isn't true when Jamie says she plays sports and those are the only balls she'll play with. I'm sure.

During the pre-date prep, Jamie tells Jocelyn to say "she has lots of options". If I was Ramona and I heard that, I'd say "Ok, see ya bitch" and leave. But that's me. Ramona breathes on the door, which they hear in the backyard so it's time for the date.

This date we're gonna play soccer! Just in time for the World Cup...to end. Oh well. There wasn't a whole lot during the date, just Ramona kicking balls towards Jocelyn and Jocelyn bouncing balls off her face and other jokes involving balls, including "Enough balls, I thought this was a lesbian date!" Maybe I can write stupid jokes for MTV! "Hey, at least these balls aren't hairy! Like men's balls are! EWW! I like girls."

During the get to know the daughter part, Jocelyn says Jamie looks like Cindy Crawford. Ugh, enough of these Mom's thinking their daughters look like a hot famous people. The daughters are hot, sure, but they don't look anything like the people they say they look like! I'm sure my Mom would say I look like Brad Pitt or Ricardo Montalban or Enrique Iglasis, but doesn't make is so.

For the record, I look like Zac Efron. Even with my shirt off.

We learn Jamie is a mix of different races, in which MTV made Ramona say "I like foreign tongues". Come on! Really? But here's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Ramona asks Jocelyn when she thought Jamie was gay and Jocelyn says before she was born. Jamie was born on the same date as her sister-in-law, who is also gay. So whatever date that is, if you were born on that date, you're gay. Sorry. Probably a good thing they didn't say the date, people would be freaking the fuck out.

I wanna re-instate that part. Jamie is gay because she was born on the same day as a gay person. That doesn't make any fucking sense! I was born the same day as Mark Walhberg, doesn't mean I can rap or have muscles coming out of other muscles! Or a 11 inch dick. Well, maybe I have one of those.

Anyway.

Ramona ends the date and drops Jocelyn off and her final parting words is "We're da bomb!" Geez, I thought I was stuck in the 90's. Back in the house, they're sure they're gonna win and Jocelyn lets off one more "You're da bomb!" before break.

I hate this show.

And we're back! Next up is Mom Dee and daughter Sara. Ok so how do I put this nicely? You know how Ramona earlier said she wants to date a girl? Well, MTV decided to be pricks and pick two girly girls and....Sara. Just...look.

Now, I have no problem with chicks looking like this but if Ramona said she doesn't like that, why even bother? Save Sara for the episode where a girl is like "I like butch chicks with shaves heads and mohawks! ROCK!" Whatever. Let's do this.

Dee has an accent, much like the other two mom's did, so I wonder about that. Is this some agreement to stay in this country? "Pimp your daughter out or back to your third-world country you go!" And the only thing that happened during Sara's intro segment was them running around, screaming.
But Dee did ask a good question. In a lesbian date, who picks up the check? Cause etiquette dictates that the male picks up the check. So during a lesbian date, who does? Let's go to Google and find out!

Ah, so I learn that if it's a butch-femmie date, the butch picks it up. But if it's two butch's or two femmie's, then whoever asked for the date picks it up. Sweet. See, you get a review of a terrible dating show AND dating tips! I'm helpful!

Alright, back to Sara. Sara says the following things, I swear.
"Tell her I got a nice rack."
"I'm not butch."
"I'm flirty"
"I want a girl who's down for a threesome!" (Saying this to HER MOM by the way)
"Go tap that ass!" (Again, to her mom.)

I'm just letting those things speak for themselves. The date Ramona has for Dee (Thank god a simple name I can type) is cooking Indian food. Ok, so to recap, the dates have been Bollywood dancing, soccer, and now cooking Indian food. I get the feeling if there was a fourth date, it'd be maintaining a slushie machine.

During commentary style, Ramona is forced to say "Mom is a cutie, I hope her daughter as a nice booty!" I think Ramona threw up after saying that line when the cameras turned off. During commentary style, Dee says "Ramona likes to cook, Sara likes to eat." Wow, Mom. Just, wow.

So while cooking Indian shrimp (that's gonna smell pleasant), Dee tells Ramona that Sara is scared of clowns, she has a mohawk, and colors her hair depending on her mood. Ramona makes a "mood mohawk" joke. Too bad Ramona's gay, she sounds like my type. Sara also "farts a lot" and "speaks ghetto". Then when Dee tells her Sara has a big rack, Ramona says "That makes Ramona mona".

They finish eating and Dee is dropped off. Dee and Sara think they're gonna win and high five each other. And now it's time to go to my favorite vacation destination: Decision Beach!

What I'm about to say now is easily the most offensive thing they made Ramona say. I'm surprised she didn't quit after reading this line. I would've punched somebody. Here we go.

While waiting for the mom and daughters to show up, Ramona says "Two scissor sisters are about to get cut".

The sad thing is, that took me a minute to get. I was sitting there like "Huh what does......OH FUCK YOU MTV!! FUCK YOU!!!" I had to lay down after hearing that. Let's fucking end this.

One by one the Mom's show up and they each say their witty lines.

Cheryl: Other mom's don't have nothing on this! NOTHING! WHOA!
Jocelyn: Jamie's da bomb and I'm about ready to explode!
Dee: If you pick Sara, you can pull more than her finger!

...the fuck does that mean, Dee?? Sara has a dick?? WHAT??

A great soundbite happens when Ramona goes over the dates with the Moms and while recapping the cooking with Dee, Dee says "Thanks it was yummy!" but the WAY she said it was hilarious. Trust me. Ok, time to cut some...you know what.

Ramona is going to say no Sara cause of the farting and nose picking. Sara comes out, in a black shirt, black pants, and tie, looking like one of my male cousins. Yeah, you're not butch. Ramona says "Dee's son looks cool, but where's her daughter?" Go head on with your bad self, Ramona.

Ramona says no to Janei because of being scared of fish, which everybody finds weird. And not since the first episode I recapped has there ever been such a great reaction. Janei comes out, looking FUCKING hot as fuck and all Ramona did for the next five minutes was:

So Ramona picks Jamie and she comes out and thankfully she's hot too, so Ramona is happy. I think. I think she had a non-existent boner over Janei but is now trying to hide it or something. Anyway, they hug, they run down the beach, whatever. Then this happens:

Yeah, I'm done. Another episode is in the books. At this rate, I'll have all the episodes I have on this DVD done by 2089. Just in time for "Date My Mom 3.0: The Robot Version". "Hi, I'm Tobar! I like binary, wingnuts, and a good lube job! HOLLA!!"
-Jason