You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

One of the great moments in history came when an unsuspecting camper sandwiched a marshmallow and a piece of chocolate between two graham crackers—creating an American masterpiece—the s’more.

But now the Obama administration is attempting to modify the third sacrament in camping’s holy trinity.

The U.S. Forest Service wants Americans to make healthier S’mores by replacing the chocolate with fruit, according to a blog post meant to commemorate National Roasted Marshmallow Day (apparently there is such a thing, it was observed on August 30 this year).

Apparently the government seems to think we sit around campfires fretting about caloric intake.

“There are some innovative ways to roast the little white treats that can help cut down on the amount of sugar intake by the kids, thus making bedtime a little more doable,” the USFS wrote last week in a blog titled, “How Does Your Marshmallow Roast?”

“Think fruit,” they said. The Forest Service suggested either banana chunks or grilled pineapple—as if a piece of fruit is a suitable replacement for milk chocolate.

“You will still get a tasty treat but by substituting with fruit, it is healthier—as long as you watch the amount of marshmallows used,” the USFS wrote. “If you want to cut down even more on calories, try using slices of angel food cake instead of graham crackers.”

Angel food cake? It’s culinary heresy, I tell you.

The Forest Service is breaking a cardinal rule.

You don’t tinker with the Big Mac’s special sauce (even though we all know it’s Thousand Island salad dressing). You don’t add a twelfth herb to the Colonel’s secret recipe. And you certainly do not take the chocolate out of a s’more.

The Forest Service also recommended we use something called “marshmallow creme”—so that we can “regulate” our portions. Apparently the government seems to think we sit around campfires fretting about caloric intake.

“You’re still having campfire fun, but the focus is on a healthier evening snack,” the Forest Service wrote.

The blog posting offered up all sorts of government-mandated directions on everything from fire pit preparation to the proper length of your roasting stick.

“Use a roasting stick of at least 30 inches in length,” the Forest Service said. You’ve been warned, America. So don’t be surprised if a park ranger shows up at your camp site with a measuring stick.

Those mandates were just too much for House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy. The California Republican fired off a memo to lawmakers that was obtained by the Washington Post.

“This perfectly captures what is wrong with our government. Hard-earned tax dollars supporting bureaucrats who can’t pass up an opportunity to tell us how to live our lives,” McCarthy wrote.

“For the things that government is supposed to do—like confront terrorist groups—we don’t have a strategy, but for things Americans are supposed to be able to do for themselves—like figuring out the best ingredients for s’mores—government bureaucrats have that figured out.”

I really wish the Obama administration would stop being such killjoys. What’s next? Will the USDA recommend we roast tofu hot dogs? Will the EPA ban the baking of beans over methane gas emissions? Will OSHA mandate that campfire cooks wear fire-retardant aprons? Will U.S. Fish & Wildlife ban the hunting of snipes?

If the Obama administration has its way future generations will be sitting around a computer generated fireplaces, roasting kumquats, and sipping shots of wheatgrass.