Sunday, 20 March 2016

Drifting in a current to stagnate / The inability to break a cycle

The following post is deeply personal and is written as an outlet of my emotions and thoughts, to help me better understand the situation I'm in at the moment and probably work as a reminder for myself in the future. For those of you who care only about the music, please spare yourself the irrelevant details of my personal life and read no further than the embedded players. For the rest of you - I hope that you as well as me might gain something from this post.

Reality kicked in this Friday's evening and it kicked me right in the sack. An affair between me and a woman I held very dear to myself ended. An affair that I never thought would happen again after history we both shared before. But she reached out to me one day and made me think that I was that someone special in her life, even though she was plain clear, that she only wanted sex from me. I guess I only heard the things I wanted to hear. Do you know who else hears and sees only the things he believes in? A religious person. As long as I remember, I have despised these people for mindlessly believing miracles, and now I've become one of them, not even knowing about it. Shame on me! Miracles and love have a few things in common - they are both not real and they cloud your judgment. Miracle is a trick played by another person or natural phenomena on your mind through illusion, and love is a trick played by your body on your mind through secretion of hormones.

After a few times of intimacy, she confessed to me that she lives together with a man. A man that did not care enough for her and both mistreated and neglected her. She was on the brink of a breakup and the only thing that kept her with him was their common dog and their apartment. So I, being a naive dumb-fuck as I am and even realizing that this might be as destructive to me as falling in love with a lesbian, thought that this doesn't change anything between us, there is no black and white in life, only shades of gray. So I decided to go with the flow, probably convinced that her breakup with the guy is inevitable. Besides I was fantasizing about her for the last year and a half and to say that I like her a lot is an understatement. A few weeks passed, and I felt like I was drifting into insanity. I was drinking myself to sleep knowing for a dead fact that they both share the same bed, and there was nothing I could do about it yet I was determined to do my best to make our relationship work and after some time it actually grew from just fucking our brains out into something bigger, and even beautiful. Needless to say, we enjoyed each other's company. It seemed, that we had formed a strong connection between us and nothing could go wrong - at least that's what I thought. Of course deep inside, I realized that shit can hit the fan every minute. So it did, but nevertheless I was surprised by her choice. After all the nasty things she told me about him, she still decided to give the guy another chance, simply because he had changed and he was trying to make their broken and miserable relationship work. Whatever fucking "changed" and "trying" means... I just imagine him crying something along the lines of "I love you, I love you with all my heart. And even though I can't bring you your pajama pants when you have a fever and you are specifically asking for them, I'm trying. I'm TRYING so fucking hard!". I'm dead serious about the pajama pants. That guy is insufferable. I fucking hate him and I would beat the living shit out of him, if I had had the chance. I call bullshit on "changing" and "trying". I've seen this too many times before in my own life. Nothing ever changes! Nothing ever gets better! Those are just pathetic lies of parasitic and manipulative people that are not able to live independently without their host on whom to feed upon. The very notion of her believing that miserable piece of pig turd, makes me sick to my stomach. I can't believe that she doesn't see it! I want to pull out my fingernails and crawl on walls because of all of the frustration that has built up inside me because of this situation. At this point I don't care, if she will ever end up with me, she obviously will not as she made it very clear to me, but I just want her not to be with that "man", she deserves better. As I am bound to repeating the same mistakes when it comes to choosing partners, she is bound to believing the same lies over and over a again. We both share the same thing - the inability to break a cycle.

During our short but colorful relationship, I received a present from her. A framed poster of a 1985 horror movie "Re-Animator". Now I do see some irony in it...