Latest revision as of 00:06, April 23, 2012

Antifreeze in action.

Winter is coming. Or it just left. Maybe it's winter right now? In any case, winter is a thing we all gotta deal with at some point in our lives. But dealing with winter is hard and cold, because winter can be cold and hard. So, besides blankets and vodka, how can we get through harsh winters in one piece, without losing limb or sanity?

Simple. Antifreeze.

Contents

During the icy, snowy winter, people must take care of their fragile, vulnerable internal combustion engines. The delicate structure of the internal combustion engine is more prone to freezing than a drifter in Times Square, so safety precautions must be taken. Most of these precautions, such as sweaters and massages, are utter bullshit.

The only fix you need is antifreeze. Antifreeze functions as a "coolant" for internal combustion engines, keeping the system "cool" instead of "cold" during the harsh winter months. A heaping dollop of antifreeze smeared on your internal combustion engine will keep that baby antifrozen all year long.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to cook a lobster for dinner, but you're afraid that the water will boil too slowly and you'll miss your weekly juggling troupe get-together in Jay's basement?[1] No sweat![2] Just throw in some antifreeze for a big, steamy solution to your boiling-oriented problem.

Antifreeze raises the boiling temperature of water, allowing the liquid to reach higher temperatures and cook that lobster in mere minutes. Plus, when it comes time to fish the bad boy out, it'll already be horrifically poisoned. Start that diet early by cooking your meals in antifreeze; the benefits keep rolling in!

↑Oh shit! You have to make the nacho salad this week, right? Maybe it would be better to miss it, after all.

Nieces. Everyone has 'em. Everyone loves a good niece, but sometimes it can be hard to properly express your love for them. You can take them out to a Chinese buffet on their 16th birthday, or pay for their taxi home from prison when they finally beat the assault charges, but, in the end, can't you just do those things for nephews too? In the harsh winter months, our gift-giving thought processes often get muddled with concerns for relatives of all sorts, so how can we properly express our love for the one relation that actually matters?

For a niece-specific gift, look no further than antifreeze! On her birthday, half-birthday, fifth anniversary, death in the family, you name it, antifreeze will surely brighten up your niece's day in more ways than one. Watch as a smile instantly graces her wrinkled 14-to-46-year-old face, the caress of that red plastic canister bringing back oodles of childhood memories. The first kiss with Billy in the back of his Nissan sedan, nervous that its internal combustion engine will suddenly freeze up and she'll be discovered. Playing Antifreeze Kings with Susie and Bill when she was too young and naive to get a fake ID. A shot of antifreeze with her old man when she finally came of age. The memories come flooding back like a stream of antifreeze lovingly polluting the Nile River.

While antifreeze is a perfect gift for a niece, it isn't for everyone. Know your audience and you will be able to apply antifreeze in a wide variety of situations to relations of all sorts. Nephews, uncles, third cousins and wives may have neutral reactions to antifreeze, but it is a well-known urban fact that sons and daughters, who rebelliously cherish the troubles of harsh winters, simply despise the household chemical.

The next time a child of yours comes home with an insubstantial report card, a big bag of cocaine, or herpes, put away your steel-tipped belt and grab a jug of antifreeze. Nothing says tough love like forcing your child to guzzle a pint of automotive coolant against their will. They'll thank you for it when they're older.

Have an ANTI-ICE day! It'll be an ANTI-COLD day in Hell when you send me to the ANTI-COOLER!

Somewhere out in nature's darkest crevasse lurks a dastardly villain, some fiendish gent hellbent on world destruction. Perhaps he has cryogenically frozen himself to regain his once-great power, or maybe he is building an enormous Winterfication machine to envelop the world in perpetual harshness. Whatever the case may be, the only way to stop him is with the glorious benevolence of antifreeze.

How else could you breach the enormous glacier walls of his underground compound, or send his brood of ravenous snow dogs, led by the wily Cuba Gooding Jr., back to Doggy Hell? Antifreeze melts holes in the plans and defenses of even the schemiest schemes of the world's nastiest ice-themed schemers. Even if the villain you take on isn't ice-themed, dousing them/yourself in antifreeze would confuse them enough to consider an alternate lifestyle choice to cartoonish villainy. Who wants to deal with an antifreeze-wielding maniac on a daily basis? Not a sensible up-and-coming villain, no siree.

Failing all else, if you have absolutely exhausted every other possible use for antifreeze, it is time to consider suicide. Seriously, could you not think of a single other way to employ this chemical-of-all-trades? Suicide really must be the only option left.

But how? Guns are expensive, and you should be frugal if you want your niece to have a fair inheritance; four-story buildings are hard to come by, and even a nice fall would be buffered by the mounds of piling-up snow; and do you even know how to tie a noose? Does anyone?[1]

Lucky for you, you unimaginative loser, antifreeze is an excellent suicide enhancer. The active ingredient in most antifreezes, ethyl glycol, will bring a fever to your face with a grin on your chin, tasting smooth and sweet as you guzzle the poison down your quickly evaporating esophagus. If you don't want to be lonely in death, as you were in life, take out your dogs and cats with a spoonful of antifreeze as well; it's even more poisonous to them than it is to you!

In the harsh winter of your life, antifreeze bestowed upon you the greatest gift imaginable: complete spiritual thawing. So sit back, relax, and let the antifreeze flow freshly through your veins. When you come face to face with your life's Maker, don't forget to credit the Taker, the multipurpose drug that helped you achieve enlightenment. Antifreeze. Does it get any better than this?