The King of Queens s06e06 Episode Script

Affidavit Justice

Good morning. Hey, deac. Didn't doug tell you i have my law firm picnic today? Actually, arthur left me a message Saying come over right away. It's "code blue." You know what that means? Yeah, code blue. Could be anything from chest pains To "look what i made out of paper clips." Dad, deacon's here! Send him down. Any way he can come up here? I've never been down there. Hey, dad, why don't you come up here And talk to him, ok? No can do. This matter is far too intimate. If he's wearing a robe, eyes up, ok? Are you really gonna make me wear this shirt To this stupid picnic? Yes. Would you stop complaining? You look adorable. I look like fruit-Striped gum. The people i work with are gonna be there. You need to look nice. What was wrong with the t-Shirt i had on? Ok, not sure my bosses need to know That you're an official bikini inspector. Well, this shirt's got a rip in it. I just bought that. Where? Right here. Be right with you, son. Grab yourself a seat. So, arthur, what's going on? Well, i was tracing my ancestry, And i had these documents sent to me. Turns out my great-Grandfather had a small farm, And on that farm he had some chickens? E- I-E-I-O? No. He had- Let's just say he had A little help around the house. He had a maid? No! He had slaves, damn it! Slaves, i tell ya. The man had slaves. Wow. Ok. Well, um you know, a lot of people had slaves back then. But this is my family, And i need to set things straight. Uh, what are you doing? I want to write you a check. For reparations. Why would you want to pay me? Well, you're black, And the only other black people i know Are on tv. Toss a number at me. You don't need to pay me reparations. You didn't do anything wrong. My family committed a crime against humanity, And i'm gonna make it right! Toss a number at me. Ok, look, how about this. Why don't you just pay me What you owe me from poker? That is a separate issue! Arthur, it's very nice That you're so concerned about slavery, But as you may or may not know, I'm already free. So we're good. I gotta go. Are you sure? I wouldn't want things to get weird between us. That ship has sailed. That's 2 dead! And that's how i found out I'm lactose intolerant. That's wild. All right, this next guy's a lefty! Cover the line! He came your way last time, Mrs. Randolf! On top of that, Now i'm allergic to wheat. Oh. And you know how much i love bread. Yep, that is your rep. Oh, it looks like we're back out in the field. We'll pick this up next inning. Absolutely. Ok. Unless i'm hiding in the porta-Potty. Did you see that catch? Yes, i did. You are running around like a lunatic out there. All right, come on. I made my rounds, We can go. What? You dragged me here, now i'm having fun. Besides, we got a chance of winning this thing. Doug, nobody cares about this thing but you. For god's sake, the shortstop Has a full plate of chicken. Ok, see right there, that's the difference Between you and i. When it comes to picnic softball, You got nothing in here. Excuse me. While i'm up, would you get me a plate of chicken? Yeah! Whoo-Hoo! Ha ha ha! You! Oh, my god! Yeah! Hey, babe, you ready to hit el cholo's? Uh, yes, we will eat, Just as soon as you apologize to mr. Thompson. You lured me down here with mexican food? Yes. And once again, it worked. Ok, here he comes. Uh, mr. Thompson, do you have a second? Doug, you remember mr. Thompson And mr. Kaplan, One of the senior partners. Oh. How you doing? Good to see you again. How's it going? Oh. Hey. Hey. Yeah, doug just wanted to apologize For running into you like that at the game. Right, honey? Yeah, i'm sorry about that. I guess you won't be blocking the plate Next time, though, will you? Oh, don't worry about it. It's his own fault. That's what happens when you let a corporate lawyer Do a litigator's job. That is funny. Anyway, this is great. Thank you so much. I like the way you play, doug. I like your hustle. Really? Carrie, could you grab us some coffee? Doug, you want some coffee? Sure. Honey, you know how i like it. Sure. Be right back, sweetie. You know, our firm has a team. We play in the lawyers' league Saturdays in the park, And i am sick of getting our heinies kicked. How'd you like to come play for us? I'm not a lawyer. Well, nobody has to know that. Yeah! You get out there, you fudge it. You could do that for us, couldn't you, doug? Well, i do like fudge. Excuse me, i really don't think that's a good idea. Oh, i think it's a great idea. Why am i not drinking coffee? Right. So how would this work, now? I just show up at the ball field Carrying a briefcase? Oh, you're marvelous. No. You just tell them you're new to the firm. We'll set you up with a phone line here In case anybody calls. We'll have carrie answer the phone. Won't that be cute? If i can just offer a thought here- You know what my thought is? Bagels. Onion. Hey. Hey, carrie. Is that deacon? I need a one-On-One with you asap. Well, what is it? Not here. So, slugger's wife, You want to apologize to me now Or later with interest? And by interest i mean wah wah wah reowrrr. Stomach cramps? No. Sex. And which one of us is making that noise? Me, when you do the wah never mind. All right, the point is You have nothing to worry about, all right? Your bosses love me. I'm gonna be their ringer, for god sakes. Yeah, about that- What? Um, look, i think you're a great softball player. Ok, no doubt about that. It's just this whole pretending to be a lawyer thing. I think we should slip the pin Back in the grenade on that one. What are you talking about? You don't think i should play? No, i don't. There's many ways This thing could go south, and then all of sudden They don't love you so much, And then they don't love me so much. So what you're saying is lawyer-Wise, You don't think i have enough convincibility. Convincibility? Ok, you're gonna commit to that word? Shut up. I can pass as a lawyer, no problem. Doug, look, you can pass as a lot of things, ok? Furnace guy, uh, roofer, Mall security, Anything in the mall, really, but lawyer? That's funny, 'cause everybody at the firm Seems to think i can handle it just fine. They're sending me a limo for the freakin' games, And as i recall, they've asked you To answer my phone! If you don't watch your step, You're gonna be making your next pot of potatoes On the unemployment line. Not these, though. I want these. Take the check. No. Please. I can't sleep. I was tossing and turning all night. My sheets are soaked with sweat. Feel them. No, that's all right. Feel them! I believe you. Fine. I'll take the money, ok? Thank you. Huh. $237. I think that's a fair number. It's a little random. I mean, how'd you come up with that? Simple. There were But my great-Grandfather only owned half the farm. Of his 6, Let's face it. That's a sweet deal. Doug, we're gonna be at the game in 10 minutes. Focus. Where did you go to law school? Excuse me. Ahem. Jeremy? Doug from the back again. Yeah, listen. Could you goose up the heat a bit? I'm a little tight. Thank you. You, go. Where did you go to law school? I didn't. I was homeschooled. Doug, come on! You said you'd let me coach you through this. All right, fine. If anybody asks, I'll just say i went to stamford. I'm sorry. Did you just say "stamford" with an "m"? Yeah. Stamford law school. Ok, the school you're thinking of Is stanford, with an "n." No. It's stamford. I know. I delivered there. I've seen the sign. Ok, dumb-Ass, You're thinking of stamford, connecticut, ok? Stanford law school is in california. You know what? I don't like all this negativity before a game. It's disco time. How long you been at kaplan hornstein? Actually, i, uh, just started. Where were you before that? I was over at carson daly and leibowitz. Doug heffernan's office. No, doug. No messages. So, the bailiff walks in, and he's like, "all rise." I'm like, "you know what? I don't feel like rising today." And i didn't. You're crazy, heffernan. You know me. I don't care. Doug heffernan's office. Not loving the way you're answering my phone. I'm busy. I'm just saying you could be a little friendlier. "Good afternoon, and thank you "For calling mr. Heffernan's office. How may i assist you today?" What do you want? Just checking to see if i got any messages. For the 40th time, no messages. Not a whole lot of people looking for a fake lawyer. Honey, your other line is ringing. Be charming. Use the good greeting. "Good afternoon"- Doug heffernan's office. Uh, no, he's not in. Could you hold on for one second, sir? Thanks so much. I gotta call you back. Wait. Who is it? Gary rogers from epstein & epstein. He's calling to congratulate you On a great game on saturday. Really? Patch me through. No, i'm not going to patch you through. He's a senior partner. I can handle it. Do your job, and you patch me through. Fine, but just take the compliment, Say "thank you," and hang up as fast as you can. Oh, thanks for joining us, doug. Oh, thanks for calling me. Nothing like a good mar-Tooni after a tough day at law. I hear that. It does get to be a grind. Yes, it do, but i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Oh, you love your work, huh? I do. I really do. In a lot of ways, uh-Ahem- Being a lawyer, Which i think we can agree we all are is a lot like, uh, Being a package delivery guy. How so, doug? Oh, uh, well, you knock on doors, And you hope you don't get bit by a dog. Sounds like you've been in front of judge farnsworth. Good old farnsworth. Hey, farnsie! Oh, anyway, doug, Let me cut to the chase. We want to know if you have any interest In coming over to epstein, epstein, rogers & wolf. To do what? I don't know. Corporate litigation? We'll find a place for you, As long as you bring that big bat of yours with you. So, what's kaplan paying you over there? Oh, i-I get the going rate and an extra $10 for each conviction. Well, i'm prepared to offer you a base of 150,000. What do you say? Hey, guys. Why are you wearing a suit? What'd you do? Nothing. Just had a little power lunch with the boys Over at epstein, epstein, rogers and wolf? Bingo. You had lunch with them? I told you just to say thank you and hang up! Well, i tried, but then they asked me If i enjoyed a good steak, To which i responded, "I carry my own knife." Well, what the hell did you talk about? Well, first, we talked about our kids- By the way, if it comes up, we have 2. And then- Well, then they offered me a job. What? Don't worry. I'll bring you over with me, You know, once i get settled. You took the job? Well, not yet, but i'm mulling it over. Congratulations, douglas. He's not a lawyer. You're not a lawyer. Really? Why don't you tell that To the 2 firms currently wooing me? My god. Are you insane? The man just made lawyer. Why do you have to piss all over it? I'll tell you why. 'Cause that's what she does. Ever since this whole thing started, She's been knocking me down. As far as i'm concerned, If they hire him as a lawyer, He's a lawyer. When i got hired as a school psychologist, Do you think i knew the first thing about it? Thank you. Thank you. Well, thank you very much, dad. Could you-What? Could you move this crap? What is this? That's my ancestry report. This isn't even for you. This is for arthur spinner. Deacon, thank you for the ride to the senior center. You drive wonderfully. You're welcome, and by the way, With that money you gave me, I put some sweet new speakers in my car. Here. Check it out. Marvelous. Very rhythmic. That being said, You'll have to return them. What? I got the wrong ancestry report. My family were actually irish gypsies. We never owned slaves. We were drunken thieves. So? So i want my money back. Look, you forced me to take the money in the first place. I bought speakers. They're now part of my car. I'm not giving you your money back. Well, i think you are! Oh, i think i'm not! Damn it, man! You took those reparations under false pretenses. No, i took those reparations To get the hell out of your basement. Look, arthur, I'd give you your money back if i could, But i'm sorry. I just don't have the cash right now. Well, what about this? In lieu of cash, maybe you can pay me back In some type of services. Huh? You know, help out around the house. Perhaps work the yard a bit. You want me to be your slave? It's not my first choice, But it would get us out of this mess. Hey. Did you talk to rogers? Did you tell him no yet? No, i haven't talked to him yet. I'm still mulling. And you're still not a lawyer. I'd be an awesome lawyer. Oh! Oh, god! Oh, that is not good! Boy, they sure yanked that limo pretty quick, huh? Shamahama!