all through the night

This is a post that has been sitting in the queue of my heart for a long time. You could say that it is long overdue.

I have wrestled with whether I should write again about losing babies and the longing to have more children. I want to be faithful to the story that God has given me, and I hope to encourage those of you who have expressed how these posts have been helpful to you.

I remember walking into an advent season not knowing if there would be a little heart beating on the other side of Christmas. That was four years ago.

One part of our story that never made it to the blog was our attempt to adopt a little girl from Russia. Almost two years ago we started the pile of paperwork. Six months later our home study was completed, our passports were ready and we were waiting for a placement. Another three months past and the whole thing got thrown up the in air and came down in pieces. That door has shut.

And if you or anyone you know has gone through the adoption process you know how much hard work, heartache and hope each one of those brief sentences encompasses.

When it was clear that this adoption was over, it became very, very black, and very, very quiet. I remember last winter feeling like the Lord was so silent. At so many other points in this journey, I had felt his nearness and comfort. This was the blackest part of the night.

It says in the Proverbs that “hope deferred makes the heart sick.” My heart was sick. I could not understand why he would lead us down this path only to hit a dead end.

I remember telling my friend with fists clenched that I was going to keep kicking at his door until he answered me—it wasn’t that I had to have what I desired, it was that his silence was unbearable.

About this time one of our pastor’s wives spoke at our moms group. She told the incredible story of her daughter’s adoption from South America. Her story carried the same themes of longing and waiting, hope and disappointment, and even at times God’s silence.

She explained that often when we are weary of our struggles, whatever they are, we want redeeming grace. Grace that will rescue us for our situation. She encouraged us not to disregard enduring grace. Grace that keeps us running to him. That keeps us crying out to the Lord.

At the end of her talk, it was evident that though at times it appeared that God had abandoned them, he was indeed holding them and guiding them. God knew that this was to be our daughter and that she would go home with them. He also knew each heartbreaking disappointment and setback was in fact the very steps through which she would come home. She could not have been theirs without each painful part of their path.

The very next morning I went to my Beth Moore Esther study and the key passage was Isaiah 30:18

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to how you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are those who wait for him.”

For the first time I saw that God wasn’t on the other side of the door I was banging on. He was on the same side as I was. He longed for the door to be open; He longed to be gracious to me. Had I not heard this mother’s story, I would not have seen the meaning of this verse so clearly. God longed for her and her husband to have their daughter as much as they did, but he knew that they had to walk through their long and lonely journey in order for her to be theirs.

Isaiah 30:18 became the candle with which I walked that long, last dark months of this journey. I didn’t have any promises of or news of any more children, but I had something better. I knew that God was on my side.

Oh, this post is so long overdue. I have crafted it in my mind too many times, and somehow it never makes it to the keyboard. I know many of you, if not all of you, already know, but I want to officially share the wonderful news that God has given us another child. We are hoping to meet this baby at the end of January.

Before this pregnancy I thought if I was to get pregnant, I would be so enthusiastic and anxious for people to pray that I would tell everyone right away. Then when we found out, I was overwhelmed with joy, but it got caught in my throat. I felt paralyzed. It was like I was holding a bubble in my hand and I didn’t dare move or breathe lest it burst. For so long we didn’t tell anyone. It was like keeping it a secret inside of me was keeping it safe.

Slowly we began to tell people as we saw them. Summer slipped into fall and before I knew it my belly was making my announcement for me. One of my friends was overwhelmed as we told her. She looked up at me and said, “Rachel, you don’t understand. This isn’t just good news for you, this is good news for all of us.” And she’s right, this isn’t just my answer to prayer, it is an answer to many of your prayers as well.

I don’t know all the reasons why we have endured this long wait or what purposes it has or will serve. I don’t know why at times the Lord was silent, but I do believe that he has longed for this baby to come to us as much as we have.

Today, I’m 32 weeks along and home to very busy baby. I still have a hard time believing that this is really happening—that there is a sweet baby coming at the end January. After nearly four years of waiting, this pregnancy is going by remarkably fast! How can I already be 32 weeks? God is good, and we are praying that we will hold this little one soon.

Nate and I feel so humbled by all the people who have been praying for us and especially that this little babe would join our family. Thank you so much for all your encouragement and prayers these past few years. Lord willing, there will be a new character in our story in the New Year!

Oh, Rachel. This is SO wonderful, and such an encouragement to me. As someone who is at a very dark part in a similar journey, it is good to know that there is hope, and that He is there, on the same side as me. Thank you so much for this – I needed to hear it.

I am so happy for you, Rachel, I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. I just keep thinking of Psalm 126, which is special to me for many reasons.

“Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him. ….
The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.”

I DIDN’T know about your sweet babe-on-the-way, but I am, oh, so thrilled!

Funny…after tucking in my kids for their naps, I frolicked downstairs, eager to begin my “me” time, wondering if anyone had anything new or interesting on their blogs, and a thought (apparently from your gracious Father) popped into my head. “Check Rachel’s”. I immediately countered it with, “Nah, she doesn’t post that often.”

I’m so glad I listened to the still, small voice rather than my loud, rude one!

With tears in my eyes and hope in my heart, I have to wholeheartedly agree with whoever said this is good news for all of us. Though I haven’t seen you for so long, know that I have thought and prayed for you often, knowing that you and I had shared that wrenching pain of losing and longing for babies. I’ve thought of Ava and wondered how she is growing and wondered why God was waiting so long to make her the terrific big sister I know she will be.

To say that I feel like angels should be singing would be an understatement.

Please pass along our most enthusiastic congratulations to Nate and Ava as well. I can’t wait to “meet” this new little wonder.

As the Grandma of sons and wives that have not found “having a baby” happening like so many others, I know the prayer of “please Lord .. grant them a child.”.. and I know the joy of those finally granted requests, both via adoption and via conception.

Oh, I’m so looking forward to reading more about this coming child of yours! How beautiful!

Rachel,
What a lovely, and inspiring post. I am so happy for you, Nate and Ava as you eagerly await the arrival of this new little bundle of joy. Your words are so beautiful and relevant to so many people. I have a friend whom I plan to forward this post to, as she too is going through her own difficult journey.

Congratulations once again…can’t wait to see you January when Lyle & Penny are home and to meet this little baby very soon.