Financial Affair – 5 Top Red Flags To Spot And How To Survive Financial Infidelity

Financial infidelity is more common today than any other kind of infidelity: How to prevent money secrets from damaging a relationship.

Infidelity isn’t always about an AFFAIR – many people hide financial details from their partners, and an upfront approach from the onset is critical to a healthy relationship.

For many, talking about money is the LAST item to talk about. Some of my interviewees feel like throwing up when they have to talk about it with their partner. It’s never been an easy conversation because it hasn’t been a priority in our education system. However, it’s the root cause in 70% of all divorces.

Many partners keep “money secrets” from their loved ones due to conflicting attitudes on the three cornerstones of family finances — money, credit, and debt.
What is financial infidelity? It’s about keeping secrets from your partner around finances.
If your gut tells you your partner is acting suspiciously. Start asking questions, check bank and credit card statements.

Your partner is reluctant to share current statements of the accounts.

Your partner tells you that you don’t have the money for a vacation this year even though you’ve purposefully made plans for it the last year.

There are multiple sums of cash withdrawals from the joint account.

Your partner just purchased a car without reviewing the purchase with you.

Your partner refuses to share how much he or she earns.

One client revealed her partner had been racking up expenses on their joint credit card, line of credit and removing large sums out of the bank account. Pay attention to odd behaviour, a new hobby and an increase in time at work.

What happens if you catch your partner in a lie?

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
― Mark Twain

Immediately ask for transparency. You need to determine the reason for this behavior. Communication is essential to move forward from this hurtful situation. Sit down with your partner and go over all the statements together. Trust, but verify rather than jumping right into a war zone. Calmly ask questions. If you can’t resolve this together as a TEAM, you will need to seek outside support to get your relationship back on track.

Financial habits are like all habits: poor habits are tough to break. Is your relationship worth it or has it gone too far?

You may need to decide if you can continue to live with your partner’s bad habits or dissolve the relationship. Living with secrets, is, however, another matter altogether that will need to be addressed. Some may seem small and inconsequential, but they may lead to pricier items. Two partners may be aware of sneaky purchases but they NOT be aware there must be LIMITS to this GAME.

How To Move On WITH Your Partner

“Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies.”
― Dorothy Allison, Bastard Out of Carolina

If you decide that you want to continue and combine your lives, talking openly about what it means to combine finances and your future together is dependent upon a mutual agreement. This is the point at which all the “skeletons” should fall out of the closet. All of them, the debt, the hidden accounts, credit cards, safety deposit box, etc.

Transparency about finances doesn’t mean that you have to pool all your money into one joint account. On the contrary: many advisors suggest that it often makes sense to keep some assets, accounts separate, and only keep one for joint expenses, like the mortgage, food bills, vacations, and joint investments. Separate investments are healthy as well. Look at the big picture an where you want to be with your partner in 20 years from now. Secrecy like personal credit card debt or a bad credit score can make it hard for you as a couple, to move ahead with joint plans, whether it’s to purchase a house, a car, a family vacation or retire with ease and travel the world. A financial check up is a valuable tool. Review your finances monthly. Take responsibility either way. It’s never easy, I get it.

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In over 30 years, Christie, CEO of Christie Flynn Consulting Inc., has managed multiple health, wellness and safety projects for individuals and businesses. She is an advocate for self-leadership, promoter of positive emotional well-being and understands the importance of team based approach to relationships through her training in sports, a military reservist, wellness and Relationship Expert.

Author of How To Date A Guy and Get It Right, CTV Ottawa Morning Live contributor, Financial Infidelity, Rogers Cable TV, Ottawa Expert contributor, How To Complain And Get What You Want.