Monday, September 23, 2013

How many of us have set out on a new goal, task, or idea only to find it seems slightly daunting, impossible, or maybe even too good to be true? You want it badly enough that you're not quite sure how you're going to achieve your goal, and even at times the visual at the end is either foggy or non-attainable in the moment.

I know this feeling very well. It's something that played on repeat in my head for years as I battled with my weight. It's almost as if it became a familiar tune of sorts. I didn't like it, but I was comfortable with it. It didn't scare me. I just wasn't sure how to move past it or wasn't sure that my body and mind were capable of doing so.

I made the decision I was going to get healthy, change my life, and be happy, not knowing if I was going to be able to pull off the task I put in front of myself, but I knew I was willing to give it a try. I guess you could say I had failed so many other times at attempts to lose weight that I was naturally wanting to blame my problem on my body make-up, metabolism, or even genetics. It wasn't an easy thing to fix. It took many months of hard work and dedication on my brain's part, as well as eating healthy and feeling successful to start to see a change. A change that was going to last forever. It took nearly 18 months of eating healthy and exercise to lose the 133 pounds. That's all. I know that seems daunting and impossible, but in the big picture of life it was no time at all.

To know something is to believe in it. Believe you are going to become the person you want to become. You can do it! Anyone can do it. I've been reminded of this lately as I struggle with the little imperfections I'm dealing with and the transformation of my body as it comes in bits and pieces. Some months I feel stronger than others and more on top of things. Other times I feel weak and vulnerable and more like I'm moving in slow motion, if not backwards. Like I've mentioned recently, I spent several months out of the gym, training for a half marathon, vacationing, and hiking. Even though my body was active, it was out of its normal routine, and in some ways, suffered. My body is nowhere near as toned as it was. I can feel the sag. Yeah, I know...gross but it's true. The scale has not changed considerably to where I am worried, but I can feel it in my clothes. When I started back at the gym a couple weeks ago it felt hard. Almost like I was starting over. Many days my brain wanted to play tricks on me but I tried to outsmart it with all sorts of positive affirmations instead of visiting a place that wasn't going to do me any good.

Knowing is believing. Believing we can accomplish anything we set our mind and body to do. It may not always be easy, but I'm not sure it was meant to be easy. If we want change, change for the better, it takes some knowing it is possible and believing we can do it!

Here's to a full week at the gym! (I ended up with a little bug last week and missed 2 days.)

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

It's that time of year again where I'm feeling the urge to be on a rigid routine. After the journey I've been on and losing what some might like to say as an entire person, it's something that I crave. In fact, as much as I love my summers, I looked forward to school starting up so I can get back on my normal routine. (For those of you that are new to my blog or don't know, I work for the school district. I work full time 9 months out of the year, and then get 3 months off during the summer.)

I know we all go through hills and valleys as far as our eating and exercising but for some reason I still haven't been able to overcome the guilt of summers off and my new lifestyle. Maybe next year? I love the time off from work to play with my kids and travel and hike and run, but it's during those months that I usually let my eating slide a bit and I'm rarely found in the gym as I'm either off traveling or enjoying a hiking trail outside somewhere. One might think this is totally fine and it is, but it certainly likes to play tricks on my brain and my thinking. I guess it might be because I am a total type A personality. I like structure. I like routine. And because eating healthy and getting to the gym has become a part of who I am the past couple years, when I'm not there it starts to send reminders to my brain of what life was like for me before I began this journey.

Today I'm headed to the gym with my bestie in tow. She's the one who has been by my side and has supported me, next to my hubby and kids, the entire way, start to finish. It doesn't matter how my week is going or what thoughts are going through my head, she is always encouraging and pushes me even when I don't want to be pushed. She has believed in me far longer than I have believed in myself. (Not to mention it's far better to hit the gym with a friend than go alone.)

Then.........

Now.........

I'm trying to focus this week on getting back on a routine that will make both my body and mind happy. I will spend some time reflecting on where I've been, how far I've come, and how much joy is in my life now compared to when I was twice the size that I am now. Sometimes we all need time to reflect. For me, it helps to put things into perspective and not get discouraged when the going gets tough. Even when I was in the process of losing the weight, I wish I would have done more reflecting. Slow and steady wins the race and even the small steps are worth celebrating. The following is from an old post of mine. I have printed it out for myself as a reminder this week. It brought tears to my eyes to do a little reflecting and again, celebrate some of the victories along the way.

This is What I Know........

I know what it's like to weigh nearly 300 pounds.

I know what it's like to want to eat where no one can see me.

I know what it's like to wake up in the morning felling very bloated and full.

I know what it's like to look at myself in the mirror and cry because of the disappointment I see.

I know what it's like to have to ask for a seat belt extension when boarding an airplane.

I know what it's like to eat a whole box of Kraft macaroni and cheese all to myself.

I know what it's like to always be pulling at the front of my shirt to hide "the roll."

I know what it's like to start a new eating plan only to have it fail.

I know what it's like to sit in a chair and hear myself wheeze.

I know what it's like to have red marks in betwenn my thighs from them rubbing together.

I know what it's like to shop in the "fat lady" section at the store.

I know what it's like to eat becasue I am bored.

I know what it's like to grow out of clothes.

I know what it's like to have a closet full of clothes that I've already grown out of.

I know what it's like to crave bread and pasta.

I know what it's like to live in a fat body.

I know what it's like to feel constant indigestion.

I know what it'a like to cry myself to sleep with who I've become.

I know what it's like to not want to get up in the morning.

I know what it's like to have no motivation.

I know what it's like to think it's impossible.

I know what it's like to send the family off on a hike or a bike ride and have to stay home due to size and no energy.

I know what it's like to be a failure at something.

I know what it's like to catch my "fat" self in a 360 degrees mirror.

I know what it's like to have to suck it in to button the pants.

I know what it's like to hope the weather is cold enought to allow me to hide under a jacket or vest all day.

I know what it's like to feel like people are staring at me when I go out to eat at a restaurant.

I know what it's like to aviod the camera and not want to be in pictures.

I know what it's like to feel hopeless.

I know what it's like to give up.

I know what it's like to be made fun of.

I know what it's like to want to be like everyone else.I know what it's like to feel trapped or like a prisoner in my own body.

But the good thing is, this is what I also know........I know what it's like to set goals and accomplish them.

I know what it's like to treat my body like it's worth something.

I know what it's like to be determined.

I know what it's like to smile

I know what it's like to be normal.I know what it feels like to crave healthy food.

I know what it's like to climb a mountain.

I know what it's like to have hope.

I know what it's like to ride the rides at the amusement park.

I know what it's like to buy clothes that fit.

I know what it's like to say "thank you" when someone gives me a compliment.

I know what it's like to share with others my testimony of what I've been through.

I know what it's like to dream.

I know what it's like to work hard.

I know what it's like to eat what I want in moderation.

I know what it's like to be happy.

I know what it's like to be in control.

I know what it's like to not be afraid of the camera.

I know what it's like to be a size 6.

I know what it's like to encourage others.

I know what it's like to have energy.

I know what it's like to cook healthy.

I know what it's like to love what I see in the mirror.

I know what it's like to enjoy shopping for clothes.

I know what it's like to love to exercise.

I know what it's like to feel healthy.

I know what it's like to learn to run.

I know what it's like to have people tell me I'm beautiful.

I know what it's like to run a half marathon.I know what it's like to lose 133 pounds.I know what it's like to think "I can do anything!"

Monday, September 16, 2013

I have gotten SO many emails and notes from everyone over the past 8 weeks that is has humbled me in more ways than one. To think that so many of you enjoy my blog like you do, made me smile. So, thank you. In all honesty, as I've written in previous posts, I started this blog for myself. To go back and relive the journey of losing 133 pounds. I never imagined in the process, it would turn into what it is becoming in my life (something I look forward to doing) and for the wonderful people I am "cyber meeting" along the way. I promise I am doing well. I never have gone this long between posting, so I can understand the reason for every one's concern. Really, for me, summer happened and school started. My two busiest times of year. Like I said, I remember when I started this blog it was a chance to go back and journal my thoughts, feelings, and experiences of what life was like at nearly 300 pounds and then how I got to where I am now. I really was doing the writing for myself more than anything else. It wasn't long before people started to jump on board, leave the sweetest of comments, and start reading my every post. That in and of itself started to do something to me. The thought of my words, feelings, and me sharing some of the things I'd been through became motivating. I remember being that victim trapped in my own body for so many years and the idea that I may be inspiring even one person to continue on, to press forward, to work at the hard as they struggle on their own journey, made me want to continue to pay-it-forward and share my thoughts. So, thank you for being patient with me while I spent the past 8 weeks playing with my family.

Mt. Si..... 4,167 elevation in 4 miles. Yep, pretty much straight up!

It was a cloudy day but beautiful and sunny above the clouds at the top.

Mt. Rainier!

On our way up.....

Time in Seattle with Family...

Oregon Coast with my three favorite people.

My attempt at a jumping photo with my son. :)

Now that summer is officially over and I've been back to work for a few weeks, (I enjoy my summers off) it's back to reality. I've been active all summer, but the gym is definitely calling my name as far as being a regular again. I think my blog is too.