My hospital visit

Frantically packing at the last minutePacking shitLosing all my witsOver how to pack in an organised fashionAll my latest fashions

Sitting on my bumIs not that much fun

In my hospital gownI hardly stun

You taking my dirty plates outAnd laundryLeaves me in a bad state

As you come intoThe roomI am filled with doomYou no longer feel like my groom

How I love being wheeled around by youIt is part of the deal and ordeal

As I feel your presence I can feel your very essenceI never want our session to finishYou are my great obsession

As you tell me you are singleI feel you are telling me something Simple

Yet significant

Feeling like an invalidNo longer validReceiving no admiration Or adulation

Please don't hang up on meI'll hang myself or at leastGang up on you If you do

Freaking out as I Sneak out into the nightAnd let myself have a peek of youAnd even a bite of you

You yelled at me my fellowFor being so soft and shallow

Looking at this set of pencilsGiven to me as part of my mindfulness exercise to colour inI fancy myself as a bit of an artistEven though

The only thing I do is to draw the curtains

How glad I am not to have to bear this dreadful drillThat rings so shrillAgainst my willWhen I am so ill

No longer so downAs I take off my hospital gownAnd become alive againDiscarding this depressing hospital gown

As I stoop down before youI try not to let my boobs droopAs I unashamedly try to woo youAnd take you for all your loot

It's so hard to be serious Even when you're so devious and mischievous

As I dissolve this tablet into waterI almost drift away

I feel myself sinking lower and lowerInto a sea of blood and blasphemy

Drinking pure water I hope to not turn into a puritanBut a humanitarian instead

Lying here in this holeI try to feel wholeTrying to do as I am told Making a few bold movesAs I swing out of bedAnd hang onto my mobility devicesWhich I am getting the hang ofAlmost like learning how toDrive a carAnd showing lots of drive

In bedNot even well readJust eating breadStaring right ahead

As you help me pack up my thingsI no longer feel stuck in the same place

Falling steadily in many different waysNo longer feeling the sun's rays

Taking your crapUnable to get off your lapFeeling trapped Even when smackedI can really feel your strap and slap

Sending you a present Even when I am not presentI hope you won't resent meFor not treating you as gently as whenI wrapped up your presentThis being our only contact

Isabella Fels is a Melbourne poet and writer. She has been published in various publications including Positive Words, The Big Issue and The Record.

Recent articles by Isabella Fels.

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