Contrary to what many people think, being single in your 30s isn’t actually the end of the world. Sure Friends re-runs are better with company. But at least you have complete control of the remote.

Then there’s the fact that unlike your taken friends, you get to drink as much as you like and behave like a complete wanker at weddings and need explain your actions to no one. Except if you ruin the wedding of course – I’ve come close.

And finally, there’s sex. Whilst it does seem counter-intuitive that being single would actually result in you getting more action than your coupled-up chums. Ask any of your friends in long-term relationships and I’m sure you’ll find that they’re ‘doing it’ less than you.

Hell, even if they do get the green light – usually on weekends or special occasions – it’s pretty shit.

HolyTaco.com

Starting to think that I may be onto something (and that I’m not just a bitter, soon-to-be-proud-owner-of-a-parrot-to-keep-me-company, loser)? Well follow these steps and you too can continue to enjoy the single life.

Oh and the best thing about this advice? When you finally decide that you do want to be with someone long-term, just do the complete opposite!

…

1 – Continue doing what you’re doing as that seems to be working just fine.

However like me, if you find that ladies are just drawn to you or that your friends absolutely insist on trying to set you up, then try the following:

2 – Be a mildly obnoxious asshole on dates. You need to get the balance just right so that she’ll sleep with you but won’t want you to call her ever again.

Talking about your junk and how great you are in bed = good

Offering to pay for dinner = bad

I also find that talking about your previous conquests, visits to strip clubs or general lack of direction in life tend to nip things in the bud fairly quickly. Though perhaps wait until after you’ve seen her naked before mentioning any of these.

3 – Watch copious amounts of porn / jerk-off loads. Though rumoured that this can lead to blindness, you guys seem to be reading this just fine… badum tssssh!

But seriously, not only will this help to keep your urges for companionship in check. It also means that you will avoid potential ‘relationship creating’ contact with the opposite sex as this task is usually best performed alone in the confines of your bedroom.

If you’ve somehow managed to procure an elusive ‘friend with benefits’ then I doff my cap to you sir.

Though if you ever get the feeling that you’re headed towards commitmentville, tell her how much you masturbate and this is likely to result in a swift U-turn.

4 – Move back in with your parents. As nothing says ‘he’s a keeper’ like a guy who still lives at home with his mum and dad at the age of 30+.

summergrim.tumblr.com

And if you didn’t scare her off with (3) then mention that you do most of your ‘work’ in your old bedroom.

5 – Be unemployed. Or if you currently have a job, get fired. The effects of this should be fairly self-explanatory.

If you really must work, then try to find a job that is fulfilling but with little chance of progression/recognition and even less chance of a steady income.

6 – Don’t have a car. As if you can’t even pick your date up then what are the chances of collecting your future kids from football practice?

7 – If you are somehow coerced into joining an online dating site, really put some thought into your profile. Ideally, you want something that makes a woman think ‘I’d hit that but he’s definitely not marriage material.’

This guy knows what I’m talking about.

The Mathematician

LIVE THE DREAM

I’m off to have a few beers with the Mathematician.

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My thanks again to Speaker7 (the creative mastermind behind The Official How To Guide) for including this on the site. I’m fairly certain I only got the nod as it had been over a month since the last post and she was desperate.

In fact, that’s pretty much what her email said.

But either way, it was a great feeling to perform on the ‘same stage’ as people like Jen, The X and of course Speaker7 herself.

Finally, a thank you to MeglyMc, who introduced me to the Mathematician. She says she never dated him but then how was she able to send me his picture..?

…

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

HA HA!!! I love that my sending you a buzzfeed link becomes me dating this guy, In addition to the fact that his math is limited to basic operations, and hasn’t moved into theoreticals (which would definitely NOT remove my panties…girls gotta have standards), I can tell on sight that he isn’t tall enough to ride the ride. That and he’s clearly a virgin. And a serial killer.

I think I’m on to a winner, when I hit 30 in a week or so I’ll have every box ticked. I knew that I was good at something, for years it escaped me and now I know what it is. I’m a top of the range never get a girlfriend in his 30s guy! Wahey! But is it wrong to look up to Will Ferrall in Wedding Crashers as a hero? Personally I idolize that guy, he had it made. Wife and kids for the rest of my life? Fuck that, I still have the dream of turning out like Hugh Hefner or George Clooney. The dream is a long, long, long, long, long way away, and even a little further away than that, but still, I’m pretty sure that it was the dream that Martin Luther King was talking so passionately about. And things turned out all right for him didn’t they?

See, we even develop the ability to multi-task watching porn whilst doing anything else. It’s like a superhuman reflex that comes into play after so many years of being single. Evolution, that’s what I call it. Being a sad bastard is what they call it, but still…

This is seriously good advice! I’m single, proud, and happy. It’s much easier and nothing turns me off more than the idea of marriage sex. Sorry married people, but I can’t imagine having to be with some man for too many hours.

I’d doff my hat to you, sir, but you might take that the wrong way. Good blog, awesome comments and wanted to say, “Thanks,” for liking one of my posts. It’s appreciated.

BTW: if you want sex but don’t want a relationship, try becomming a best selling erotica author. Works for me, most of my stuff (when chicks ask, “Is it like 50 shades of gray,” to which I respond, “It’s mostly lesbian and very hardcore.”) I write scenes that only occur in guy’s fantasies and adult films, but, they sell.

Very quickly, she’ll be curious (b/c you know, not only do you know what women like, you know what *two* women would like) and she’ll also realize that, there’s no freaking way she could ever take you seriously enough to introduce to the family.

Weekend sex: “5 minutes spent having sex” — pfffft! Who has that kind of time? Gotta shuttle the kids to the endless birthday parties, soccer games, blah-blah-de-blah. Nah, you are correct sir – the married with kids set are definitely having less sex than the single people. Definitely. Less.

I don’t know where your getting your stats from but I’m getting more than five minutes per week and yes its with another person lol! Maybe the fact that I have boobs helps. Sucks to be you my friend xx

Boobs help but they can’t do all the work. You have to have a quick mind and a great sense of humour to trawl the dating sites for potential mates. I think in any situation confidence is the key. If you are confident that whilst you are not the hottest person there, you are a great dancer and can keep up with the conversation in an intelligent manner and have some descretion you should go far xx

Number 6. Oh yeah I’m currently seeing a guy without a car, he always wants me to pick him up from work, I’m starting to think that is why he is with me. Actually, come to think of it, the guy I am seeing is ticking a lot of these boxes.

Amen to this post, I´m 31 and single. My friends, yep they say they are happy but they sure like it when I call, and we meet up to go on a guy nights out(that is a phrase only for men in a relationship I think) without them having to bring their wife´s, probably in part is because as you said we can get drunk and we can get to fuck around without the wife of him bitching around or telling him to stop acting like a clown.
I like those statistics, there true that´s why. I´m no don Juan, but I can get my way around.
About the things you covered about getting out of a date they set you up, I think I covered half of those, and I find it fun to be abnoxious, and just look at the reaction on the girls face with my abnoxious face…

Hilarious. Sure, all good ways to keep being single, although I have to tell you, not all people in long-term relationships have less sex than those who are single. Heard that thing about women in their 30s having the sex-drive of 17-year old boys? Very true. So… it may be a case that “taken” guys play down their sex life. Makes for better banter than bragging😉

Don’t tell any single guys what I’m about to say. But almost everything in this article is a load of bollocks. And I’m absolutely positive that any man in a long-term relationship is having more sex than I currently am (provided they’ve had sex at least once in 2013).

Glad you enjoyed reading it though.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to change the age parameters on my dating profile…

Well, I should love to win a date … though I had to scroll through a list of women flinging their metaphorical panties at you in order to say that I thought this was hilarious. I love it! Your blog is a great find, Sean. If I wore panties I’d throw them as brazenly as that vixen Expat Eye. However, your head would be draped in a pair of American-style boxers😉

Well, no, no queue of men (my preference) sadly … I would prefer boxers, but no man seems to be hurling them in my direction these days, or leaving them on the floor .. or … well, anything. However, I am a patient boy. It pays to be patient (they say), but I suspect it only pays minimum wage.😉

After my hoisted Sex Club experience, I’m thinking it’s too bad that you did not experience this in NYC, as it’s quite an adventure. I’m sure in living here, I will experience one again and actually go through the door at some point.

You made me laugh this morning and a many times prior, and are quite the entertainer… I love your writing. 😊

I would love to tell you it gets better, but it doesn’t. Since my divorce whenever I was asked if I was single I usually answered “no, I am multiple” and now that my children are officially adults (ooh I hate that thought) I am living in fear of true singlehood again. This is why there are animals, so I don’t have to be alone. Kitties and puppies! Unfortunately even my parrot died! I think I might have you beat Sean! Hence, I win. fling. (that was my panties)

Of course you are! I am very likable! At least I think so.. Yea, he was an Indian Ringneck Parakeet. Freaked out my daughter a little bit, I had him longer than her, it was an adjustment for her, he had been around all her life. Thanks, and backattcha!😉

Like the dating advice – friend of mine once went relatio-nihilist after a bad break up and spent two years living by the following advice that he’d drunkly share: Always arrange first dates for Sunday evenings (she’ll be sad about missing out on shared Sunday brunch and shared Sunday roast afternoon – meaning that no matter how bad company you are, it’s a shared Sunday evening). If succesful, you will be returning home between 3 and 4am. Do not call till next Friday. Arrange date for next Sunday. Repeat.
I’d ask him if it didn’t get broing after a while.
He’d laugh and buy another drink.
Then he’d usally start crying…sometimes not with laughter…..

HA HA!!! I was just about to write a note, pointing out that I introduced you to that gem of a man, but you, as usual, beat me to the punch.
Fantastic post, and so terribly, painfully true, I’m afraid.
And, no, I don’t date people who can’t spell “believe”. Fuck that. I’d even excuse the wife-beater he’s wearing before I put of with someone who doesn’t know ‘i before e’.

❤
All of this plus some.
I'm not sold on the FWB thing – it really isn't that hard to find though. I think the hardest thing is making sure the lines are pretty clear in it. I find it helps with the non-mixing of feelings later. I work heaps better knowing where I stand!
Granted, I do miss the intimacy of finding someone to cuddle on couch and watch absolute crap with. And fight over the remote. What it is with my partners and their remote control issues?😛
I'm rather happy to have my bed all to myself plus a few plush toys and a cat.

This was great! I particularly love the eye chart. Although I had some difficulty reading it. Thanks for following my blog by the way. I love your stuff.
I’m guessing I’m probably the oldest person here. So I feel the need to chime in. I’m dying to know more about your reticence in online dating.. I haven’t read all of your posts yet as I’ve been kind of busy. So if you’ve already addressed it I apologize.
Granted, there are ton of douche bags in the online dating world. But the beauty of online dating is,, more than likely the person you go out with is not a part of your everyday life. That affords you the luxury of going from anonymity, to dating, to oblivion! Whereas, if you meet somebody at your favorite bar or gym, and it’s a total disaster, somebody’s got a stop going to that place. Which really sucks!
I’m in my 50′s and have never pursued younger men. However I was surprised to find them pursuing me. I rarely dated any of them. Admittedly, I may have looked up with one or two, but that was more of a knee-jerk reaction to a “fail” with someone I was really interested in.
When I was first approached I asked, “Why the hell would someone in their 30s want to date someone in their 50s?” My initial thought was,most likely they were eager to get laid. But in truth, I think it’s the lack of drama and the experience that an older woman brings to the table. (I had sex with a very sweet 34 year old hyperachieving virgin.
The irony of that, in relation to your blog is, those sexless marriages can produce some very randy women! (my ex was 10 years older than me..ugh!) I will never be in another sexless relationship again! EVER!
As for masturbating? It’s his much a part of my morning ritual as is my first cup of tea. And I LOVE a nice cup of tea in the morning!
Cheers!

You’re right, it started with a ‘like’ but after your comment above I thought ‘shit, if this lady is willing to share all of that in a comment then I wonder how much detail she goes into on her blog…’ I am now following you!

That’s great news! Thanks. I’m relatively new to this. Should I be concerned that it’s TMI? Considering what’s in my blog, maybe my concern is like closing the barn door after the horse has already bolted.

I hated almost all my blind dates. Not the person, the dating experience. Usually you’ve each been built up so much by the ones setting the date up that you can’t possibly live up to the hoopla. And God forbid the setter-uppers make it a double date – watching and listening.

By the way, I’m not sure what’s going on but WordPress doesn’t seem to want us two to be friends anymore? All your comments are going straight into ‘pending’ without a notification and likewise, when I comment on your blog, I never receive the heads up when you respond.

I’m too much of a pussy to upset anyone so I’m guessing this is all your fault?

It is always my fault. Also, when I went to your blog, I’m pretty sure it didn’t have me as following you. WTF, I know I’ve been following you like Hansel and Gretel following the goodies on the ground…

Such a shame that everything is working against us. Maybe the powers that be know that it’s better to keep us apart? 😉

I’m ragin, everytime WordPress does an update it un-follows people for me!! I almost lost you ffs, I was so traumatised I had to breathe repeatedly into a brown paper bag!! Lol
Great post to start me back though🙂

haha, I tell people all the time that if Dark Chocolate Love Muffin (yeah that’s my cat’s name for real) and I end up together there are plenty of benefits. 1. She never gets a say in what tv shows we watch. and 2. I make dinner for no one so luckily she eats the same shit everyday. But obviously the best part is the sex with whoever I want😉