Wanda Sykes on Coming Out as Gay to the World at 44: "I Had to Say Something"

In OprahMag.com's series Coming Out, LGBTQ change-makers reflect on their journey toward self-acceptance. While it's beautiful to bravely share your identity with the world, choosing to do so is entirely up to you—period.

Wanda Sykes is one of the funniest and most prominent LGBTQ+ Americans working today.

The Emmy-winner and GLAAD Media Stephen F. Kolzak Award recipient is best known for the zingy one-liners she delivers in celebrated stand-up specials for HBO and Netflix (2019’s Not Normal is her latest), as well as perfectly-timed cameos in movies such as Monster in Law, Ice Age: Continental Drift, and Bad Moms. Refreshingly, her jokes often poke innocent fun at what it’s like to raise children as a queer parent—she and her wife, Alex Sykes, share two children, Olivia Lou and Lucas Claude, both 10.

So it may come as a surprise to note that Sykes, now 56, was 44 years old and well into her established career in entertainment when she publicly came out at an equality rally in Las Vegas back in 2008. While she was already out in her private life and had married her wife that same year, Sykes hit the stage to deliver an impromptu speech about the dangers of Proposition 8, a now-overturned California state constitutional amendment that only recognized marriage between a man and a woman.

"It was not planned at all," she told Meredith Vieira in 2015, joking that she was later treated as a "unicorn" for simply being Black and gay. In the years since her 2008 speech, Sykes has used her platform to raise LGBTQ+ voices, champion equality, and explain that understanding one's own sexuality isn't always simple. In fact, Sykes was 40 when she came out to her parents and has said she "repressed" her gay identity for years (she and music producer Dave Hall were married between 1991 and 1998). "I chose to be straight," Sykes told Oprah during a 2013 episode of Oprah's Next Chapter.

Continuing that momentum, Sykes most recently teamed up with Apple TV+ to co-executive-produce a docuseries called Visible: Out on Television, which traces the history of LGBTQ+ representation on TV. The five-part series features interviews—and reflections on identity—from Janet Mock, Neil Patrick Harris, Lena Waithe, and Margaret Cho, to name a few.

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Ahead, Sykes reflects to OprahMag.com on how she came out of the closet—first to herself, later to her parents and then to the world—and why she continues to fight for LGBTQ+ visibility.

I remember I was in the third grade and I told one of my brother’s girlfriend’s sister, “I wish I was a boy because then I could be your boyfriend.” She was like, “What!? No, no. You do not like girls, you like boys, and that’s bad. That’s not right.” She was much older. I just remember the way she said it and the way she looked at me. I was like, “Oh, okay. So this is a bad thing.” I knew then to never say that again, to never say that I liked girls. I made note of that and that’s just how I lived my life well into my early 20s.

Relationship after relationship, I eventually decided to be honest. I thought, “My family’s not going to be cool with this.” Everything’s great now, but it took a long time for us to get there. I had to practice a lot of patience. The more I felt comfortable with myself, with who I was, I became confident and stopped arguing with them. It became their problem, it wasn’t mine. Then I think my parents realized that, “Oh, she’s not going to change. This is who she is. If we want to be involved in her life, I guess we have to roll with this.”

Most parents do love you. It’s not even about them. They’re more concerned about what other people are going to say. They’re more fearful of that.

Gregg DeGuireGetty Images

The drive behind me coming out publicly was when it became political, back when Proposition 8 was being talked about. I felt like I had to say something. You’re inspecting my life, the life that I have? You’re saying that my marriage isn’t legal? That’s when I said alright, it’s important to speak out. Also, I wanted to put a face on who that was affecting, not just white gay men. There are women. There are mothers. There are real people involved in these votes that affect lives and kids. After I gave my speech in Las Vegas, by the time I went back to the hotel, it was on TV and I was like, “Oh, okay. I’m out.” It was like, “Oh, cool.” I already said what was the truth.

This content is imported from Instagram. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

I know how powerful television can be. It’s important for us to show how important LGBTQ+ representation is and how it can change minds in society. Representation in Hollywood has gotten much better, especially now with shows like Pose that highlight the African American and transgender community. I’m happy to see that. I also love stories where you have gay characters, but it’s not just about being gay, it’s not just about identity. Shonda Rhimes does a great job of that.

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

I think it’s helped when I mention my wife on stage. I hope we can get to a place where it’s normal to say, “Yeah, my wife and I,” and it’s not, “oh my god!” Which is why it’s important to have representation. Television really is educational and it does affect society and how we see each other.

My advice for anyone in the process of coming out? I’ll just be honest: it depends on the community that you live in. If you’re still in school, for example, just hang in there. That’s what we do in our community. We make other families. If your family isn’t supportive, you're going to find somebody who would be that surrogate parent who will love you and take care of you. You’ll make family. I did. Know that there’s places and people who will love you—and you can and you will have an amazing life.

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

This commenting section is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page. You may be able to find more information on their web site.

A Part of Hearst Digital Media
Oprah Magazine participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.