25.4.07

I spent most of the time I was pregnant wondering and worrying about how having a baby in the house would affect Javier. I was especially concerned about whether having a biological child would somehow influence Billy's or my feelings for Javi. I don't think I can adequately express just how in knots I was over this and how these types of concerns were one of my main reasons for not wanting to have another child period.

What I can say is that when I held Javier for the first time (all gray-skinned and screaming from his journey into the world), I promised him that he would never feel abandoned or unloved or second-best or like a burden to me. My fear was that somehow hatching a baby inside of me would instill more immediate love inside of me than Javier did. Equal to that fear was that Billy would treat this child more lovingly than he does Javi - that he would love this child in a way he doesn't Javi.

So basically I tore myself up - quietly except for the talks with Billy he quickly grew tired of because he didn't at all share my concerns - for a long, long time. And then Bella was born and my love for her was tremendous. But it was no more dazzling and powerful than those moments and days when my son was first born.

What's more, Bella's presence in our family has brought out more lovey-dovey madness between Billy and Javi than I've ever seen. This includes Javi demanding that we change his name to Miller to match Billy and Bella, and it includes Billy pushing us forward in our plans for him to officially adopt Javi.

It's really amazing and I finally feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Now that it's gone, I realize I've been carrying that weight for six long years. As you can see, Javi and Bella feel happy, loved and secure - and I'm confident they'll stay that way.