Thursday, May 17, 2007

True Wife Confessions 184 Indie

Confession #1831

I first want to let you know that I am a husband of my beautiful wife of 9yrs and that I probably have no business sending you this confession. I amguilty of negligence in my marriage and that has caused my wife to find thatattention through another man. I am 30 yrs old and my wife is 27. She hasbeen having an affair over the last 4 months with a man that is 40. I am aman so of course I am going to focus on the physical aspect of the affairbut my wife keeps telling me it was the way he made her feel. Ourrelationship has been stretched to the limits over the years because of themilitary, kids, and distance. I keep trying to learn more and more about mywife by understanding women emotionally and physically through researchsince I found out. That is what brought me to your website. Instead ofcompletely coming to my own decision about what to do or labeling her as acertain type of woman I would rather know why these things happen. Eventhough these are individual experiences they are very useful. I noticed thatsome of these women are being attacked for their entries and that upsets me.Most women are not able to express themselves to their spouse or evenfriends due to the fear of what response they may get. As long as you keepthis website open it will not only help women to vent but it will also helpmen if they have the courage to really see what is being said behind closeddoors. Thank you for being there because my wife doesn't know it but thereis always someone she can talk to. I am sending her a link to your site andmay not work out for us but I want everything to work out for her.

Confession #1832

I don't think you understand how depressed I am. I know that you have "been there" -- you were unemployed for a long time in spite of trying hard. The economy was against you. I wasn't always understanding. So I understand that you, while you are trying, don't always get how despondent I am that I can't find a job.

I have discussed with you that geography is definitely a factor in my field and that we need to return to where we moved from 4 years ago in order for me to be successful. We moved here because we were going to have kids. Now that we know that we can't have kids, I don't want to be this close to my psycho parents. They do nothing but insult me. I'm graduating with my Master's in two days and they aren't even coming to graduation. I haven't gotten a card. They haven't even mentioned it. I can't tolerate their proximity anymore.

So here I am, no job, no one but you to come see me graduate, no friends to speak of because everyone hangs out with their high school friends here. I am lonely as shit, you travel, and I'm unemployed. Do you really think that someone in that situation can maintain a sunny outlook? I don't CARE anymore if we have to rack up a little debt to move. I know you want to be sensible. But no one pays relo anymore. It's not going to work that way. Two years from now we'll still be having this conversation: You: I'm looking, I'll find someone to pay us enough money plus relo. Me: So meanwhile I'm sitting here in a place where I'm miserable. You: Well, I'm not taking a financial loss to move. Me: I want to interview out there. You: Fine, but you have to get paid enough for us both to live so that I can look when we're out there. My friend took a year to find something.

I wish I could explain to you in a way that you can hear that sometimes financial considerations are secondary to mental health ones.

I realized yesterday I was drinking too much and I'm up to an entire bottle of wine in three hours.

Confession #1833

To the amazing guy helping me through my divorce:I love when you smile.I love when you kiss me behind the ear.I love when you dance with me in a public parking lot at night.I love your laugh.I love all the crazy and silly things you do to make me laugh.I love how intelligent, successful, and independent you are.I love that you’re always there right when I think I can’t go on anymore.I’m scared that I’ll never actually love YOU, because I don’t know how to stop loving him.

Confession #1834

Keep your hands out of your crotch!! You are a 31 year old man and you areconstantly scratching and re-arranging your genitals. Seriously...do youneed new boxers? Do you have a fungus? Or do you just like to play withyourself? It is a HUGE turnoff. I love you but that is the most annoyinghabit and you do it all the time!

Confession #1835

I have been suffering from inside all these years we have stayed together ( 5 yrs). We have a lovely daughter who turns two in May 2007. As we plan to register our marriage next week, am woken up to face the reality I have been trying to ignore all along. I do not know how to tell you this but I am really tired of having to shoulder all the financial responisibilities in the house. Given that I took a loan for the construction of our home, when I tell you that my net income is little and tell you that I hope that no emergency crops up otherwise we are in trouble, all you say is 'let's hope for the best'. I expect you as a man to assure me that you will be there to take care of us. Am really tired of having to shoulder all the load and the money you owe me is never payed back. I understand you do not have a job but the least I expect is some appreciation. I know you are a nice guy, faithful but the fact that you are most of the time away doing your PhD research and not helping out even with a cent for the general up keep of the child is making me feel tired.'My picture of a father and a husband is one who provides for his family. My mother was a housewife and my dad did all the provision. When I have to shouler all the responsibility, which I have done for the last five years, at times it makes me feel so insecure and so vulnerable. What would happen to my daughter should I loose my job, or should any calamity happen to me.I do not know how to tell you all these things without hurting you but how I wish that you would see that I am suffering and I nedd help in raising our young family.

Confession #1836

I'm nearly done. So, so, so close. All I need for you to do is push me over the edge. Knowing you, I am sure it won't take long:

When we first met, yeah! The sex was awesome. But we didn't live together and we didn't see each other every. single. day. I wish you'd stop comparing our sex life now to when we first met. It's not the same. I feel guilty that my libido can't keep up with yours and I have told you MANY TIMES that the sex would be an issue. But you didn't listenI didn't want to be one of those wives/GFs who didn't satisfy their man for whatever reason. But I warned you, and you insisted it wouldn't be an issue, and now you accuse me of making you beg for sex. What bullshit, and if you would quit pissing me off, I think we'd have more sex.

When you moved in with me it was supposed to be short term. It was too soon and I had a rule that I would not live with any many I wasn't engaged to, but because your ex wife was screwing you (figuratively) with child support I allowed it. You said you'd be out by April. LAST YEAR. But it's my fault, I didn't ask you to leave. I was having fun playing house, but neither did you offer to leave. Well I did. But I yet again undermined my own authority and let you stay. You knew how much I wanted to live in my first home and make it mine. Now all you do is bitch about how I don't help you with the dishes or laundry or clean. I tell you not to do them and I will get around to it. I told you that I am not a neat person when we met, too. You thought it was charming.

When we met you said I was unlike any woman you ever met. You still use it as an excuse for not "Getting me". I don't do affection, I'm not girly, I love sports I have peculiarities. I revel in them. I like me. I LOVE myself. I follow the beat of my own drum. The way I live is not bad, it's just different and you don't like things to be different. You say I am different but you haven't tried to adapt to who I am. You scratch your head and chalk it all up to me being particular.

When we first met you said, "I don't play games, neither should you." But one of the first things you did was play a game. To see how I felt about a prior relationship, when all you had to do was ASK.. But you didn't. I said the next time you try to manipulate a situation where you should have just asked I would end it. But I didn't, again, my fault. You jump to these ridiculous conclusions when we fight. When I am trying to be serious you laugh derisively. You make me feel like my demands are ridiculous and crazy. You don't ask what's wrong, you say, "why are you giving me attitude?" or "What's your problem?" Being with you has changed my arguing style from logical and calm to screaming banshee and it makes me wonder how crazy your ex-wife is and what part of it might actually be your childishness if you can make me feel this way about myself..

When you moved in, I told you that I liked my own space. You promised that if we ever fought and I asked for some time that you would leave and go do something to give me time to work it all out. You said that when you came back we could finish the disagreement as adults. But the first time I asked for space you all but stomped your foot and told me it wasn't fair! Why should I leave?? Well, because you said you would. So I left. I had to leave my own home. I went to a bookstore and I spent a good four or five hours by myself. When I came back to the house I found you gone. When you came back you said you'd felt bad and left too. You do realise that you don't get brownie points for leaving after the fact, right?

I'm just so tired. You anticipate my reactions to your daughter, quit riding her and me. I don't know what you are afraid of, but you are driving me more insane than your 6 yo. She's six, she's going to be annoying. Am I some sort of threat because I don't want children? Go ahead and get your threatened vasectomy if it worries you so much. You push me to make the decisions about us but then question my decision as "in the heat of the moment." but now I am asking you, get in my face, push me, see if I don't kick your ass to the curb.

Confession #1837

I wrote #1818, and I wanted to reply to some of the responses I receivedin the comments:

I feel sorry for those of you who think that a relationship can't possiblybe a loving one if you don't say "I love you," or that someone not saying"I love you" means that they're not affectionate. I also think you missedthe point of my confession.

My partner and I love each other deeply. We would happily go to the endsof the earth for one another, and we each know it. My partner cares forme with a level of devotion that no one -- and I do mean NO ONE -- hasever before, and I care for him with the same level of devotion. He hasstood by me through cancer scares, through custody battles over my son,through my daily battle against complex post traumatic stress disorder.He has stood by me, and supported me, and cared for me when no one elsewould.

When I was at a point where I was so depressed I wouldn't get out of bed,wouldn't talk, wouldn't eat: He got me out of bed. He got me dressed.He fed me. He dropped everything, took time off of work (unpaid time offwork) to take care of everything for me. He made sure I got mymedication, that I went to doctors appointments, that I didn't hurtmyself. And I never had to ask him for anything. He knew I needed him,and he was there.

And he still dotes on me still, every day.

When it became clear that my ex-husband couldn't care for our son, despitethe fact that my partner hadn't planned on having a child at this point inlife (due to career concerns), not only did my partner support my decisionto fight for full custody, but he urged me to do it. And now that I havefull custody, he's taken on the role of a parent graciously. He cares formy son as if he were his own. He picks him up from school, and helps himwith his homework. He organizes outings to take my son to fun places likethe aquarium, or wherever. They even play together, making scienceexperiments in the kitchen, or playing video games.

I have no doubts about his love for me. I can see it in his eyes when heis telling me how much he appreciates me, and when he is caring for me andmy son. I can hear it in his voice, and feel it in his touch. Mostimportantly, I see it in his actions.

My confession was not that I didn't think he loves me, or that we don'tfeel love for each other strongly enough. That was not it at all.

My confession was that because of unspeakable things that were done to medecades ago, I'm weak and broken. I'm so weak, that I am ruled by my ownirrational fears. I'm so broken, that I can't bring myself to take therisk of saying three simple little words, even though those words onlymean half as much as what we've been showing each other these past 2years.

My confession was that I am so weak, and so broken, that despiteeverything he already does for me, I still need him to take the first step-- to make those words safe for me -- and I loathe myself for it.

Confession #1838

My confession? I have never felt love the way I feel it with you. I have never felt so at ease, so natural, so complete. Everything about you makes me happy. You LISTEN to me, which after years of having a man ignore everything I have to say is amazing. You tell me how beautiful I am. You tell me how sexy I am. You tell me how much you love me. I can hardly believe that you have come into my life, but I am so grateful.

Confession #1839

I told you I was pregnant, but I wasn't. I told you that I had an abortion, but I didn't.I can only look back on that time and explain that you hurt me so badly, that it was the only thing I could think of to hurt you.It was wrong and I am sorry. Confession #1840

I know you have BPD and I can only imagine the pain that causes you.

But it's no excuse. Not any more.

I am SO glad that I left you.

I took my marriage vows seriously. I loved you with all my heart, more than I'd loved anyone else, ever. Why? Because I'm an asshole. I told myself that if you'd had a physical ailment, I would stand by you. So why shouldn't I stand by you just because your disease is psychological?

I'll tell you why.

Because you're a psychotic monster who takes pleasure from my pain and I DO NOT DESERVE this. Another reason I stayed with you for so long is because I worried about you....what would happen to you after I left? How would you survive without my support?

But when you get rid of the roaches in your kitchen, do you really care where they go?

And a roach deserves more sympathy and compassion than you do. You took all the love I had to give and chewed it up and spit it back in my face time and time again.

My only regret is that I didn't put you in prison when I had the chance.

Yes, I took our wedding photos. I looked at them once, and literally threw up. Then I tossed them in the dumpster.

Just as I'm tossing YOU into the dumpster now.

"Into the garbage chute, flyboy!" ~Star Wars

Remember that quote?

You are a convicted felon, you're bankrupt, you're an alcoholic, you have BPD, another man is raising your son and you don't give a shit, you don't have the courage or self-respect to think for yourself, you walk with a limp, everyone you've ever worked with hates your guts and HAS to look over your shoulder because you SUCK at what you do, you're in denial about the fact that you're a SICK FUCK and blame everything on me, you're a pathological liar, a thief, you're 49, look like your 79, and tell everyone you're 43.

All of my exes want me back. A fact that you PUNISHED me for. NEWSFLASH: They want me back because I KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

You don't. All your exes hate your guts. Because you are a hateful person.

What goes around comes around. I believe that now more than ever.

You'll get what's coming to you, and it won't be from my hands. The universe will make sure you get back all the negative energy you project out. I'm sure of it.

18 comments:

Anonymous
said...

1831 - I hear you loud and clear about the negative remarks. I'm hestiant to post again, I've been slammed too. But remember - MEAN PEOPLE SUCK - there's a reason they say evil things. The Green eyed monster. Best of luck with your wife.

1837 - Love is about actions. Not words. Love is an empty word uttered unto itself. It's better to express love through actions than words. I had someone tell me many times a day how much she loved me, and in the end, in the fraction of time between beats of a heart, she left me. Without a second thought. So I personally feel that saying the words is utterly meaningless.

Whatever has happened to you in the past, I don't know, but sometimes things happen and their affect takes a hold of us and won't let go. Perhaps things will get better for you in the future, perhaps they won't. No matter what happens, though, you are not a weak nor loathesome person. You are who you are and people can either accept it or not. It's their choice. You are a good person and someone once told me that you only have to be good at one thing. Only you can decide what that one thing is.

You are lucky to have someone who actually cares for you. I envy you that more than you will ever know. As will most other confessioners on here. I want so much to have someone who really cares about me, but after what's happened, after thinking I had it for so long only to find out I didn't, I don't think I ever will.

I just wanted to say that what you wrote was beautiful and you will find someone who completely adores you for you someday.

The people who are alone usually have to work at it to be that way. The great thing about love is that everyone is affected by it. It's something that touches every single person and it's the direct link between strangers.

An observation: 1832 & 1840 are complete opposites. My intention is not to say good or bad about either, I just want to point out that one is completely wrapped up in herself and her needs and what other people should do for her. The other has come to the realization that she has been completely wrapped up in her care of other people and their needs and what she can do for others (in this case a moron).

1832 - my 2 cents: Your husband isn't overlooking or ignoring what you want because he is clueless, he is most likely being practical and stemming the tide of drama that flows in your direction. He probably treats you pretty well and works steady to take care of your needs, but in many respects, he's probably tired of everything always being about you and what you want. Personally, I've never understood the "I'll have the job I want or I can't work" mentality. Sometimes you just have to go to work. Make life a little more about them and a little less about you.

1840 - my 2 cents: You know who you are and know that you know how to love. I hope you can stop being attracted to those who abuse that wonderful trait and find someone who knows how to appreciate it and love back. Make life a little more about you and a little less about them.

1837: Thanks for the clarification. I understand. You love and appreciate him deeply, so you've unlocked the door to your heart of hearts for him, but you have left the door closed. You are waiting for him to open it. I know. My door has been closed for 17 years now. I leave it unlocked for my spouse too, but until I am certain there is ONLY (read: unconditional) love on the other side, I cannot open it. But every day I really wish I could. This I do know: they CAN'T open it. Only you can. And it sounds like the conditions are right to do so.

I believe that 2 people can be deeply in love and not say those words. I have been there. I still regret it because that man I loved so much is going to be forever in my past because now I'm happily married to someone else. I know he regrets it too because out of the blue he found me online after 5 years and started emailing me...this is after he got married and had 2 kids. Obviously it is painful for you or you wouldn't have posted the original confession. Don't waste any more time. You love means a lot to him and he deserves to hear it. Just tell him. Just say it. The truth shall set you freeeeee!

1837: The way I see it, you either love and trust him or you don't. Saying "I love you" does not suddenly make you more vulnerable to being hurt. Saying "I love you" will not suddenly transform him from the man you love and trust into a jerk who will hurt you. As afraid as you are, they really are JUST words. I understand how important the meaning is, and I understand not wanting to open yourself up to being hurt. But don't you see, you're already open. Whether you ever tell him you love him or not, you obviously do. Telling him so doesn't change that you ARE vulnerable to him, you ARE open to being hurt again, and refusing to say three words is not going to make you any more protected if he did suddenly change his ways and break your heart. They're just words.

1836 - why are you "close" to being gone? No doubt it's because I'm not you and therefore can be objective about this, but this is so obviously not the man for you. You say you like who you are and love yourself - that is awesome. It also means that you will be just fine if the relationship ends. Do what is best for you. He can find someone that is more what he needs, and you can find someone who actually DOES "get you". OR you can be alone. Either one is fine, and you'll survive. Good luck to you.

1834 - WHY THE HELL DO THEY DO THAT!??!?!??! There's a guy at work - AT WORK - who does that all the time. I finally pointed it out to him one day because I thought "maybe he doesn't know he's doing it". He still does it all the time. SO gross. I think maybe they think it's going to fall off? And now I have "Detachable Penis" in my head...LOL

1831 doesn't sound trollish to me but either way, I'll simply say no one "causes" someone to cheat. People cheat because they want to. Whatever the reason it's a choice they make, just to get that out of the way. Women and men both need to stop that foolish way of thinking. We're not animals and we can all make choices.

Consider this, if the situation were reversed what would she do? Probably not take as long to decide as you are. Marriages go through rough spots and if one can't make it through then marriage may not be their thing. It's not happy all the time and sometimes it's bad for a long time. But two people who understand what marriage is about can make it through if they CHOOSE.

I'm glad to see you trying to understand but no matter what, you will have to come to a decision, if not about her about the marriage.

Women's won't tell you anything in general so if she's still having the affair and doesn't quit then she's made her choice. You don't sound like an insensitive person but you do sound kind of weak, which I'm willing to bet is partially the reason for the affair.

If she stops or has stopped she's saying she wants to fix things. If she hasn't she's doesn't respect or love you enough to give him up. She wants out. Let her go. You both will be better off.

And sadly trying to learn more and more about your wife by understanding women emotionally and physically through research isn't going to help because of what I said in the first paragraph. It's a choice to simply decide what they want to do. It's all communication and choice.

Divorce could destroy you both (she had the affair and you're a military guy so you will probably win favor) but either way you both should decide what you want to do. And don't blame yourself.

It's simply a decision. You sound like you lover her, but don't let her take your kindness for weakness. I had to learn that about women. Be good to her but be strong also.

1831, don't listen to the people calling you a troll or calling you weak. It's clear to me you love your wife so much you are even willing to let her go if that is what will make her happy, and, no matter your mistakes, or her mistakes, in the past, that kind of love is very hard to find. Kudos to you for being mature enough to realize that affairs don't happen in a vacuum. I hope things work out for you both.

1831- I wish I could trade my husband, goodlooking, self-centered, irresponsible cheater that he is, for you...I don't know what you look like or what you do, but I can tell that you are a better husband than he is by far.Your wife is foolish. I have had lots of "reasons" to have an affair, but I have chosen not to, because my vows means something to me, even if they mean nothing to him. And trust me, I'm way hot. This is why my husband still wants me, along with everyone else. He doesn't want to give me up (translate: let anyone else have me)but he is not content with me either.All of his girlfriends are fatter/dumber/uglier than me... yet he still does it. He says it's because of the way they make him feel.This makes me feel like I am going to throw up.I have never made a negative remark about anyone on this site, but maybe, just maybe, the negatives are coming from people like me.The fact of the matter is, my husband is immature and my intelligence and independence frighten him. I don't need another person to make me whole. I am whole within myself. He needs someone he feels superior to, to boost his ego and make him feel that he is better than he is. He finds her, over and over again, with little variation, then comes crying home to me, begging me not to leave, insisting he loves me, blah blah blah.I'm sure he thinks he does love me...unfortunately, this isn't what I signed on for when it said "love and honor".mock me all you want, cheating ladies. We all know it will only come from your own dark conscience.Someday, the kids will be grown, I will be free, and I will take my pick from your husbands, the ones you don't appreciate, the hard-working, gentle, responsible men that don't "excite" you enough, or make you "feel" special. You will miss him once he is gone.And he will thank God for me every day, for the rest of his -faithfully- married life.

Jenner: Thank you. I think the reason I am close and know I should already be gone (but haven't), is because I am not a quitter and in my mind I don't feel like I have done everything to make it work. Which may or may not be true considering who you talk to.