“We are often hesitant to look at other faiths or to examine our own critically because we feel that, in doing so, we are being disloyal to our own deeply felt convictions. ... And yet our beliefs are not worth very much if they cannot stand up to any scrutiny.” -- James Livingston.

One time, I was sitting in my living room, and it was a little too hot. I could not be bothered with all the effort required to turn down the thermostat. So I commanded a pack of my very well-trained dogs to carry me outside on their backs. Outside, it was a little too cold. So, with even more manly brusque in my voice than usual, I commanded the Sun to crank up the temperature a little. And that is how we got global warming.

I am so sexy that any man looking at me instantantly gets the biggest, hardest boner of his life. The C.I.A. makes me wear a disguise in the interest of national security because I have a 'disruptive influence ' on male policy makers.