Month: August 2014

LOS ANGELES, CA — News broke this past week that USC football player, Josh Shaw, made up a story about how he injured his ankles. The story that he lept from a balcony to save his drowning nephew, was apparently a complete fabrication. The real story though, is much more incredible.

“Josh has always been a humble guy,” said USC head coach, Steve Sarkisian. “So it doesn’t surprise me that he made up a modest story to stay out of the spot light.”

Allegedly, Shaw was at a party with some friends, when he saw the neighbors house on fire. Without a second’s hesitation, Shaw ran outside, turned on the fire hydrant, and channeled gallons of water toward the burning house using a makeshift fire house he constructed in less than 30 seconds.

After putting out the fire, Shaw noticed a young girl in the middle of the road about to be hit by a speeding van. Shaw reacted instantly, leaping 20 feet through the air and saving the girl from certain death, while he himself was hit by the oncoming vehicle. Shaw was unharmed, however.

Shaw then got up to see that a Grizzly bear had wandered into the neighborhood and was getting close to some of his friends. Shaw, a licensed animal control expert, used a combination of threatening body motions and a calm demeanor to get the bear to peacefully leave.

Some would think this would be enough for one day, but not Josh Shaw. Hearing police sirens, Shaw ran, on foot, to a robbery in progress. Seeing the standoff, Shaw turned to the police, said, “I got this,” and proceeded to walk into the convenience store, unarmed. Shaw talked the gunmen down, got them to turn themselves over to the police, and call their mothers on the way to the station to tell them they were sorry for their actions.

On Shaw’s way home, reflecting on the past hour of heroism, he tripped suddenly over an uneven slab of concrete, causing him to fall down a flight of stairs, resulting in high ankle sprains on both of his ankles.

“I just thought me saving a drowning nephew would be less impressive,” said Shaw when we asked why he lied about his incredible string of heroic acts.

“Everyone thought Walter White died at the end of Breaking Bad,” begins Cranston. “But really we were gearing up for a whole new show: Breaking Bass.”

According to Cranston, Breaking Bass follows Walter White’s transition from a witness protection program to a full-fledged bass fisherman. White will begin his journey in Louisiana, starting out as a small-time bass fisherman, until he eventually enters some tournaments and becomes one of the leading bass fishermen in the nation.

“We’re all really excited about this idea, and you can be sure there will be some familiar faces. Aaron (Paul) will be back, helping Walter bait his hooks, net his bass, and steer his boat. Fans are really going to love what we have in store,” said Cranston.

We reached out to Breaking Bad creator, Vince Gilligan, for comment, and he said that no such show was ever talked about, nor would he ever entertain the idea of making a bass fishing spin-off of Breaking Bad.

“Bryan has really lost his mind since the show. He’s become obsessed with bass fishing,” said Gilligan. “He started leaving me voicemails pretending to be a bass fish, saying ‘Please Vince, can’t I have my own show?’ and he would email me memes of fish (pictured) with sayings like, ‘this show will get you hooked.'”

Cranston said to be on the lookout for Breaking Bass in 2016, saying, “We really hit the ground running with this fantastic project.”

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Hackensack, Minnesota — Rory Steele, a 13-year lumberjack veteran, was found dead yesterday morning in northern Minnesota. Steele’s body was found underneath a fallen Chinkapin Oak, which killed him instantly.

Authorities have identified Steele’s tree cutting partner and brand new employee, Austin Gladden, as the man to blame. It is believed that Gladden cut down his first tree, and didn’t yell, “Timber!” which is of course, what all lumberjacks are trained to do.

Fellow lumberjack, Terry Koal, explained the typical tree cutting process. “All you need to do is cut down a big ole’ tree, yell ‘Timber’ and be done with it,” stated Koal.

This brought up the question, “why didn’t Austin Gladden yell, ‘Timber?’” It turns out that Gladden was born a mute, and has never been able to speak. The two men’s boss, Anderson Dozier, was shocked when he had heard Gladden was a mute, even though he hired him.

“The qualifications for this job are simple,” Dozier explained. “You need to be big, have a legitimate beard, and keep to yourself.” Dozier went on to say, “it’s not unusual for a lumberjack to get hired after saying zero words during an interview.”

When asked if Dozier would fire Gladden, Dozier was shocked by the question, “Fire him?! Heck no, that man chopped down that tree in three swings,” proclaimed Dozier while neglecting the death of a human. “Plus, he wears flannel on top, denim on the bottom, and I’ve never seen his teeth. He’s a keeper.”

When we asked Gladden for a statement he looked at us with a blank stare, nodded, and immediately left the room.

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WASHINGTON, DC — In an unprecedented move this afternoon, President Obama said he was going to crush the militant group known as ISIS by using Time Warner Cable’s customer service. The President said he can think of no greater weapon than having to deal with Time Warner Cable’s atrocious wait times, and poorly managed phone representatives.

“Strategically, it makes sense,” said President Obama. “Sure, we could put troops on the ground, order hundreds of airstrikes, but when all we really need to do is wear this evil group down, Time Warner Cable is our best option.”

In addition to immobilizing ISIS for upwards of 3-5 hours at a time while they wait for someone to get back to them, The President predicts that internal fighting will occur within ISIS as they badger each other about why their bills have increased $50 every year.

“We expect battle fatigue to set in after their cable package nearly doubles every month with the addition of premium channels they didn’t subscribe to. And we can’t wait for them to have to deal with a heavy-breather from customer service, who was poorly trained and continually tries to upsell them no matter what. It will be a completely new type of hell.”

The President also suggests that if these war criminals have any sort of affinity for sports, they will agonize over Time Warner Cable blacking out whatever games they are most eager to watch.

When asked about this new strategic plan, President Obama responded, “If anyone deserves to deal with Time Warner Cable, it’s these sons of bitches.”

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TAMPA, FL — 26-year-old Brian Rogers recently joined the popular dating app, Tinder. While his initial experience using the app had been going well, a recent incident made him rethink his Tinder usage.

“At first it was great,” Rogers remembered, “You’d swipe right, swipe left, maybe start chatting a little, and few dirty pictures later you would have yourself a date. I was hooked.”

Rogers said he would carefully select each one of his pictures, and even went so far as to borrow his friends dog, for one of his pictures. “I got really into it.”

All that stopped though, the day he went on one of his Tinder “dates.”

“I’d been talking to one of my matches for awhile, and we decided to meet up and get drinks. I showed up a little early, and my cousin walks in. So, I’m thinking to myself, ‘wow, what a coincidence. My cousin is here the same night I have a date.’ And then it hit me, my cousins name is Beth, which was the same name of my date. Needless to say I had a few extra shots that night.”

Rogers said that his cousins pictures were misleading.

“She used every trick in the book. She took only close photo’s of her face. She over did her makeup to the point where she looked like a canvas painting, and under her description she listed, ‘hunting, beer and football.’ I know for a fact that she’s a vegan, allergic to gluten, and couldn’t name a football player to save her life. The whole thing was a scam,” said Rogers, clearly agitated.

We asked Beth how she also failed to recognize with her cousin on Tinder, and she said that most of Roger’s pictures were of him with no shirt on, and with his head cut out of the frame.

‘I only swiped him right because of a picture where he was shirtless and holding a dog. I mean, my cousin doesn’t even have a dog!

Rogers said that while he’s taking a break from Tinder, permanent damage has already been done.

“She sent me a picture of her boobs. Some things you can’t unsee.”

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ASHEVILLE, NC — When we last heard from Derek Loy, he had given up his Hipsterdom and gone back to a more mainstream lifestyle. So when we caught up with him recently, we expected Loy to be gearing up for a fantasy football league, or hanging out with his buddies at the local Applebee’s. What we found out, though, was rather startling.

“There was a bit of an incident recently,” said Loy in the dark of his basement. “I was over at a friend’s house, having a classic, American barbecue. I asked my buddy for a beer, and he handed a Triple IPA from a local craft brewery. I immediately shuddered, and asked if he had anything else, but he said it was on sale and didn’t get anything else. As soon as the hops hit my lips, something happened.”

Loy said he became visibly agitated with his surroundings at that point.

“All of a sudden, I was a different person. I yelled at my friend for not providing any vegan options at the cookout, and told him that with all the beef he was grilling, he may as well douse his lawn in motor oil and light it aflame to speed up his environmental destruction,” said Loy

“In a rage, I went to the nearest local outdoor outfitter and bought a harness, some leads and some rope, and headed off to the nearest rock-face I could find. By the time I realized what I was doing, I was halfway up Chimney Rock.”

Loy said his girlfriend found him two days later a few miles off the Blue Ridge Parkway, making Pine Needle tea.

“I was in a dark place. Some of it I don’t even remember, but I know I was part of at least one, possibly five, drum circles. And I went to an anti-fracking rally, where fracking wasn’t even discussed.”

Loy said his girlfriend’s intervention saved him from a permanent relapse.

“She’s a saint. When she first tried to intervene, I gave her a mouthful about her working for a large corporation and buying the poison that is white bread from the grocery store, but she stuck with me until I came out of it.

Since then, we’ve had a strict policy regarding my behavior: under no circumstance am I to buy any tight-fitting clothing. I can no longer spend hours during the night scouring Pitchfork for new music, and I had to get rid of my A-frame glasses.”

Loy seems to be in good spirits since his relapse, and has been gradually returning to normal.

“I mowed the lawn the other day on my riding mower, while drinking a Budweiser and proceeded to eat a whole bag of Totino’s pizza rolls. Life is good.”

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BOSTON, MA — A new study was announced today out of Northeastern University that found that a person’s personality and appearance makes absolutely no difference, as long as that person knows how to play a guitar. Professor Mark Hawkey lead the study and shared his findings with us.

“We put two subjects in a room: one who was traditionally attractive — tall with distinguished features, dressed in a suit. The other subject was short, with greasy long hair, and wearing clothes we bought from a thrift store — and not a trendy, vintage-style thrift store.”

“The first subject couldn’t strum the tune ‘Row, Row, Row your Boat’ if his life depended on it, while the second subject was an above-average guitar player. So, we had him sing and play the song, ‘Jumper’ by Third Eye Blind in front of our sample audience of high school and college-aged women,” said Hawkey.

“The women were initially attracted to the man in the suit, but the second our guitarist started singing and playing, the women immediately ditched the suited subject and started swooning around the guitarist.”

“We thought the correlation needed further examination, so we tried to make the guitarist even more unappealing by having him not shower, shave only one side of his face, and put on a repulsing fake-fur newsboy cap we found at the thrift store. We then asked him to play ‘Little Lion Man,’ by Mumford and Sons.”

Once again, Professor Hawkey said the women were disgusted by the guitarist until he started playing and singing, at which point they totally ignored the well-dressed, attractive subject.

We asked one of the audience participants what she liked about the odor-ridden, heinous-looking guitarist and she replied, “You could tell he was just edgy, and I knew that song was totally about me.”

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COLUMBUS, OH — Local 25-year-old Mark Bowman is reportedly close to approaching a girl he’s been eyeing at a bar for the last twenty minutes.

“I’m really trying to work myself up,” said Bowman. “She’s just really pretty, and all of her friends are around.”

Bowman’s friends have also been encouraging him to go and talk to the girl with kind, and encouraging words.

“We keep telling him that he’s a great guy, and that he’s so funny, and she’ll love getting to know him,” said friend Andrew Ryan. “Mark’s just not a super confident guy, he’s always talking about how much taller everyone is than him.”

After his fourth whiskey and coke, Mark began moving toward the girl, but then took a dramatic left turn toward the bathroom. When he returned, his friends told him that if he wasn’t going to talk to her, then they were going to leave. Mark replied, saying, “Just give me five more minutes.”

After waiting the full five minutes and sweating through his button down shirt, Mark finally began to approach the girl.

Immediately, Mark’s friends began placing bets on whether or not Mark would make an uncomfortable comment.

UPDATE

Mark introduced himself to the girl and proceeded to make her laugh twice. He then was approached by a male, roughly 6’5 and 220 lbs, claiming to be the girl’s boyfriend. Mark shook his hand awkwardly, and immediately left to order a single shot of Fireball for himself. Mark is not expected to approach another girl until winter of 2015.

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WASHINGTON, DC — President Obama today decided to rescind his new motto, “Don’t do stupid stuff,” and instead decided to go with something a little more forthcoming. “Don’t be a dick,” is the President’s new motto, which he says, is “more applicable” than “don’t do stupid stuff.”

“I thought saying, ‘don’t do stupid stuff,’ would get my point across, but I realized that there was a whole community of people that can’t tell what is and isn’t stupid. Therefore I believe my new ‘don’t be a dick’ motto will be able to reach people across all creeds, classes and cultures,” said President Obama.

The President said that “Don’t be a dick” will be applicable to foreign policy concerns, economic recovery, as well as party goers who take their pants off after three beers.

“If you had a problem with us bringing back Americans with the Ebola virus for treatment, don’t be a dick about it. If it was you, you’d be begging to come home. Hey people bashing my approach on foreign policy, I’m dealing with Ukraine and Russia, all while trying to put out that dumpster fire in the Middle East. Don’t be dicks. Hey guy who just took four shots of Fireball at the bar who’s now leaning on me because he can’t stand on his own two feet. Don’t be a dick. Pull yourself together.”

Michelle Obama has also noticed a change in the President’s behavior around the house.

“One day I saw him eating some Oreo cookies, and I mean really chowing down. Not just three or four, but upwards of 40. So I told him that maybe he should slow down, especially if I’m trying to promote a healthier America. He looked at me and said, ‘Michelle, my approval rating is as low as it’s ever been, the House is literally trying to sue me, and to top it off, Sasha and Malia’s dog pooped in my shoe. Don’t be a dick, and let me eat my Oreos.’

“We’re definitely going to need to have a family meeting soon.”

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SARASOTA, FL — Every year the Williams family takes a yearly trip to Sarasota, Florida. They love the relaxing atmosphere, laying out on the beach, and the fantastic dining options. This year however their vacation took an unexpected turn.

“Our Dad bought capris,” said Thomas Williams, age 15, and the youngest of the three Williams children. “It’s just embarrassing. We keep getting looks from other people when we’re on the beach and walking around.”

Other Williams family members echoed Thomas’ sentiment about their Father, David Williams, and his new found love for capri pants.

“He won’t take them off,” said David Williams’ wife, Jen. “He eats in them, he sleeps in them, he even goes swimming in them even though they’re incredibly impractical. We can’t get him to take them off.”

We asked David to explain his new obsession with capri pants.

“What’s not to love? When I wear shorts, my calves and upper thighs get too much sun, but if I wear pants then I get all hot and sweaty. My capris offer an opportunity for my ankles to breath, while protecting my legs from dangers like UV rays, sand, and mosquitoes.”

When asked why he wears capris while swimming David said, “They just look cool. I feel like Jack Bauer, but if he wore capris in the ocean.”

Ally Williams, age 22, and the oldest of the Williams siblings, said this kind of behavior is nothing new from her father.

“I should be used to stuff like this by now. I mean, he once wore a onesie for a week while we visited the Grand Canyon. But he’s wearing women’s capris!”

David said that he would love to continue wearing his capris when he returns home to Canada from his vacation, but he said it wouldn’t be practical.

“It’s getting cold up north, I love my capris but I’m not a lunatic!” chuckled David. “It’s about time to bust out the old wet suit for the winter months.”