In this instalment of Andy Rooney from 2003–never aired–Andy gives us a peek inside his toy chest, and tells us about the dildos he’s collected over the years. Full of Andy’s trademark dry wit and folksy advice, it was deemed too controversial at the time. The Center for Poor Karma & Pain unearthed a copy and shares some excerpts with the world for the very first time:

“This one vibrates… batteries not included…”

“This has three shafts… you can invite a couple of friends over.”

“This one holds liquid… I put prune juice in mine.”

“This was the first dildo I ever bought… it was made of Bakelite… whatever happened to Bakelite?”

“Martha Washington had one made out of wood, just like George’s false teeth… she was used to the splinters.”

“This is a strap-on… sometimes I like to wear it and pretend I’m a lesbian.”

“This one’s too big for my taste… more of a dildon’t…”

“This one was hand-carved out of mahogany… you don’t see craftsmanship like this any more…”