House Republicans got crunk last week and threw themselves a kegger over finally agreeing to replace Obamacare with something way shittier.

They were celebrating an ability to agree with each other over something besides hating Obama. They were able to bridge the divide between the two biggest House Republican fraternities, the Freedom Caucus and the Tuesday Group.

The Freedom Caucus thinks Americans, unlike the citizens of every other First World nation, should have the freedom to drop dead of random diseases without government interference.

The Tuesday Group worries that when people drop dead because they don’t have health insurance, somehow the people who took it away from them will get blamed and not re-elected. The Tuesday Group folded when the Freedom Caucus said, “The trouble with you guys is you don’t hate Obama enough, and the Tuesday Group replied, “Aw, jeez, you’re right about that,” and the bill passed.​Now, Obamacare is not dead yet. The new healthcare bill still has to pass the Senate, and many Senate Republicans are already looking at the plan and saying, “Hey, I didn’t order this turd sandwich. Take it back. But leave the fries.”

But, let’s face it, Obamacare has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, and I mean a banana peel situated on an oil slick, so we might as well explain the differences between the programs.​First off, a few popular features of Obamacare will be preserved under the Republican plan, plus ALL the unpopular ones. The $10,500 family deductible? It’s still on, mofos. The high co-pays and having only six doctors that will take your plan stays, dude. What’s different is not everybody has to be covered.

People with pre-existing conditions, conditions that many Americans suffer from irreversibly, like being fat, may have to get coverage in a high-risk pool.

High risk pools, in case you have forgotten about them, mean you get to pay more money than you actually have for health insurance.

If you are healthy, you will be able to get cheaper health insurance, because you will now be able to buy a plan that covers everything except being sick. Insurance companies will now be able to offer drug coverage that includes all drugs except expensive ones, like those $50,000 dollar-a-month cancer pharmaceuticals, so if you make the poor decision to have cancer, it’s on you. Take some Vitamin C.

Even conservatives are saying that the Republican plan is so twisted and awful that the nation is eventually headed for single-payer insurance for all. That’s a euphemism for socialized medicine, and it might well be the end of the Union, because then health insurance companies would be out of business, throwing thousands of people whose job it is to deny your claims out of work. Also, anyone could go to any doctor they wanted, which means white people would have the same coverage as minority people.

The Freedom Caucus will never stand for that. They hark back to the beginnings of the nation, which means they think that if you’re too poor or too sick to have health insurance, and you are suffering from some disease that would have killed you in Colonial times, it will kill you nowadays, too.​That’s how the Founding Fathers would have wanted it.