Pet owners take time to say goodbye, grieve

For many people, losing a pet may be as traumatic as losing a person in their life, and the intense feelings of sadness can linger for months or even years.

One afternoon in January, Denise Szymzy held her 7-year-old cat, Baby Puss, in her arms as the domestic shorthair had a seizure and died. Two weeks ago, she lost two more cats on the same day to nose and stomach cancer.

Eight weeks ago, Lisa Scroggins lost her 8-year-old golden lab mix, Zelda, to lung cancer, and last year, Patricia Cano had her 13-year-old Rottweiler, Nickey, euthanized after a short, but aggressive battle with breast cancer.

Today, all three pet lovers are still dealing with the grief associated with the loss of their beloved pet. For many people, losing a pet may be as traumatic as losing a person in their life, and the intense feelings of sadness can linger for months or even years.

More than 80 percent of American pet owners consider their pets to be members of the family, according to the Web site www.Helpguide.org. There are many resources available, including psychologists who specialize in pet loss and myriad self-help books on the subject.

While grieving for departed pets is more accepted and catered to in today’s culture, it still remains misunderstood — which makes it harder for those in the thick of it.

“People who don’t have pets look at you like you’ve lost your marbles,” said Scroggins, who works as a vet assistant at Stone Bridge Animal Hospital in Naperville, Ill. “People who don’t have pets should try to be understanding.”

Clinical psychologist Linda R. Harper, who recently began specializing in pet loss, notes that being humored can elongate the grieving process.

“The last thing you want to hear is that ‘it’s only a dog,’ or ‘just get another one,’ or ‘just get over it,’” Harper said. “It’s so normal to have intense sadness and anxiety and to yearn for just one more day with the pet.”

Harper says that people dealing with pet loss can expect to go through all the stages of grief associated with the loss of a person, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance.

The psychologist says that the feelings can creep up in waves when a person who has lost a pet is walking past other animals in the park or when they have an unguarded moment and are vulnerable to memories or thoughts of guilt and anger at themselves or their vet.

Even though Scroggins deals with pet loss regularly at work, she’s still struggling with the fact that her golden lab is no longer a half-step behind her.

“This has hit me hard. I have good days and bad days,” Scroggins said. “I cry a lot and think, ‘what’s wrong with me?’”

Harper suggests that those struggling with grief should find a friend, family member or a professional to talk to who can help them start the healing process in a safe environment.

On the first Wednesday of each month, Harper and veterinarian Lori Coughlin lead a pet support group sponsored by the Chicago Veterinary Medical Association. The group supports anyone who has lost any breed of pet, and people mourning horses, birds, rabbits, cats and dogs have attended.

“Anywhere from two to 12 people show up and tell their stories, and we listen and support them. We don’t judge,” Harper said. “There is so much healing that can go on when people talk and share their stories.”

After Cano lost her dog, Nickey, her family kept the dog’s memory alive by regularly reminiscing about their furry friend.

"We still talk about her like she’s here,” Cano said. “People don’t understand how close you get. They become a part of the family and a part of you.”

It’s not uncommon for some pets to live for a decade or two and see their owners grow up and move out of the house or get married and have children. Pets that span a longer lifetime are sometimes a greater part of an owner’s life than say, a distant relative.

“The feelings of grief, sadness and loss of a pet are intensely huge and can be as strong as the loss of a person,” Harper said. “Animals are always there for us, sometimes more than people. There is a unique relationship with our pets that holds an unconditional bond; they never argue back and are there for us in transitional times like childhood.”

Cano’s 18-year-old son was with her when Nickey was put down, and they spent the following days bawling their eyes out together. Cano’s children are now grown and understand how and why Nickey was euthanized, but Coughlin and Harper say that a child’s age must be taken into consideration when dealing with grief and the circumstances surrounding a pet’s death.

Harper advises that parents give their children space to talk and that above all, they never say that the pet is going to sleep, as it could be confusing and cause nightmares.

In Coughlin’s office, it’s standard procedure to find out if there are children in the home of a pet being euthanized. Coughlin says that around 80 percent of those euthanizing a pet in her office elect to be in the room with the pet but that children younger than 7 generally are not allowed. Coughlin strongly believes children need to be able to grieve in an appropriate manner that won’t do more harm or provoke fear.

“Parents should avoid words that will make the kids scared to go to bed or scared to get shots at the doctor’s office, and they shouldn’t tell them they ran away to a farm,” said Coughlin.

Coughlin suggests it might be more helpful for children to be proactive by planning a memorial service, spreading ashes on plants or trees, placing a memorial plaque with the pet’s name on it in the animal’s favorite place or constructing a shrine with the ashes and collar.

Seniors also might require extra attention after the loss of a pet.

“Some older people have more ties to their pets than others if they’ve had them for 20 years,” Coughlin said. “Some seniors have had them since they were babies; they are losing someone who provided unconditional love and attention for a big chunk of their life.”

Coughlin learned about the importance of grief 15 years ago in veterinary school, when pet-loss support was just starting to become less taboo and a part of a veterinary student’s curriculum. Coughlin said the newfound respect for grief was generated from the veterinary school at Colorado State University, where the cancer center consistently had clients in need of grief support.

Today, universities organize training seminars in pet-loss support, and many require students to spend time working on the other end of their pet-loss help lines.

But some people require little intervention and are content to skip the grieving process altogether and quickly get a new pet.

“Replacement works for some people, it provides a place for their love and their hands, especially those with an empty house. But if it feels like you’re looking for a replacement, you’re probably not ready,” Harper said. “Let people grieve in their own ways. One way doesn’t mean you don’t love your pet any less, and grief for some is more intense than others.”

Szymczyk spent the last several months of her cats’ lives tending to their illnesses, and the absence of that focus has left a void that is more palpable on some days than others. While she still has waves of grief that come over her when thinking about Baby Puss, she only has to take a car ride to feel close to her departed cat, as she keeps the cat’s ashes in a 2-inch glass vial in the glove compartment of her car.

“Baby Puss’ passing was very traumatic for me. When I can’t focus, the cat would just creep into my mind,” Szymczyk said. “I don’t get as emotional now, but I still miss her.”

Downers Grove Reporter

Meaningful ways to memorialize your departed pet

- Participate in a candlelight vigil for your pet. Every Monday night at Rainbowbridge.com, there is a live, candlelight vigil for departed pets.

- Hold a memorial or burial ceremony.

- Make a paw print of your animal friend in cement or clay.

- Make a donation in memory of your pet to a special cause.

- Create a scrapbook or memory book, filled with photos and favorite memories.

- Plant a flower or tree in your pet’s favorite outdoor spot and place a memory plaque with your pet’s name or spread their ashes there.

Source: Clinical psychologist Linda R. Harper

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