Secret shame has many aspects that can harm how we feel about ourselves. If allowed, it can cause self destructive behaviour and inner turmoil in our life and relationships. Though many people choose to live with it quietly, there is hope. Secret shame does not have to control your life and this article will discuss some ways that it can be overcome, such as through positive self talk, recognizing the traps of irrational thoughts and using self-affirming statements. Ultimately, shame can be defeated by allowing for self-forgiveness.

First let us take a look at the exact meaning of secret shame. It is considered the feeling of guilt, embarrassment, and dishonour that is held internally. There is no limit to the things that create it because as humans, we can be ashamed of ourselves for many reasons. Not meeting perceived social, family, or religious standards are common causes, but so is childhood abuse and not meeting an expected adult behaviour, such as one cheats on her spouse. Shame is the internalizing response to not meeting a standard that we place on ourselves or others place upon us.

Society and family structures have a set of standards that create expectations of the individual in behaviour, attitude, and activity. When these standards are not met the internal feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame occur. Everyone feels it at one time or another and it can be expressed through an apology or an act of contrition. More than not, however, the shame is solely internal and unless it is challenged by an outside force, the feelings of guilt and embarrassment turn inward and create secret shame.

Shame and guilt are similar concepts, but shame is more a violation of our perceived social standards and rules. In the form of guilt, shame can occur even if there is no witness. We may berate ourselves for merely thinking about a taboo topic, sexual fantasy, or unabashed hatred for another person. There is no limit to what causes secret shame, but it can arise from the simplest of violations or the largest of crimes.

Our society, education, religions, governments, and families use shame to control behaviour. This is also normal, and seen in nearly any social organization on the public and private level. For example, you may rethink acting out a sexual fantasy with your boss in real life because it would be a shameful expression of affection. You may also think twice before scratching your private area in public regardless of how itchy you feel. Did the last two sentences seem abrasive? Did you blush just slightly reading them? This is a reaction to the social taboos placed on us that create the feelings of embarrassment, guilt, and in extremes—shame.

As mentioned earlier, secret shames can be about the smallest of social rules or the largest of violations. It can hurt so badly that your stomach clenches up and you can experience a shortness of breath. Your heart either falls to the bottom of your gut or rises up in your throat. Sometimes that secret shame is so very powerful that it controls not just you, but your relationships with others.

It can become so frightening that you wake in the middle of the night.

In my personal life, I know these reactions to secret shame all too well. As a child, my mother was married to a man who was sexually abusive. By the time she recognized this and left him, the damage was already done. In my pain, I chose not talk about the issue with my family, therapist, or pastor because I did not want their pity. By the time I was 14, that secret shame had led me to believe that I was a terrible person and that somehow I was a bad child being punished. I turned to drugs and sex because I could not rectify my feelings of guilt with the outside world. I went with a man twice my age that placed me in extremely dangerous situations and abused me physically and emotionally. In later years, when I was in a position of normalcy and happiness, I started destroying the relationships around me.

I believed that was the extent of my reality, the truth to my humanity. I believed I was a bad person because I allowed my secret shame to control who I was.

It was not until now, two decades later, that I can recognize my teenage years for what they were---a response to my inner hatred that was born from allowing my secret shame to control me. Even now it is not easy to type this, after all the years of therapy and maturity I find it hard to come to terms with the years of abuse that created the shame.

I find it hard to say that I was a victim, I was not protected, and because of that I felt I was rejected from society. I became a very hard person and lived outside of society. I made mistakes. I did enough drugs to overdose a small island nation and led an unhealthy life not only physically, but mentally.

Recognizing shameful emotions for what they really are can be the key to overcoming the negative effects they have on our self-view. Secret shame is an emotional, internal response to an act or thought that we perceive as being ‘bad’ because society, our family and our religions have taught us that these are bad. More importantly, they have taught us that some things are so bad that we must never talk about them. This is a problem.

We do not voice our secret shames because we are afraid of people hating us and of our families looking upon us with a disgraceful eye. We are afraid of society looking deep within us and seeing a dishonourable person inside. Most of all, we fear the reactions our shame will create, causing us to internally berate ourselves. Secret shame is normal, but it is also toxic. It can impact our relationships and our abilities, which can result in depression, anxiety, insomnia, overeating, and anorexia. There is no end to the list of physiological responses that stem from internalizing guilt for not meeting a perceived standard of behaviour and action.

Secret shame does not define or control you.

It does attempt it in the form of negative self talk, which is the he inside voice and conversation we have with our inner self. Think about the way you talk to yourself. Do you tell yourself that the thoughts you are having are bad? Do you use phrases such as “You should have done this earlier, but you were too lazy.” Have you ever called yourself a bad name or told yourself that you should be ashamed of your thoughts? Have you ever told yourself that you are stupid, fat, ugly, lazy or ignorant? It never ceases to amaze me how often we, as women, allow our self talk to center on the negative aspects of our lives and our thoughts. We create our own secret shame simply by telling ourselves that we are too fat, too skinny, too ugly or too dumb.

It is time to stop this behaviour. If you allow yourself to focus on your secret shame without finding a positive outlet for it, then you will allow negativity to control your life. I suggest that we begin to take charge of our secret shame instead of letting it control us. Positive outlets include confiding in our loved ones and friends, regardless of our fears, recognizing the negative responses to our secret shame as being self doubt, and changing the characteristics of how we think about our secret shame to thinking in a positive manner.

For example, each time you think of a negative secret shame, counteract that thought process with a positive thought. You are the only person that can control your thoughts, and you are the only person that can use positive self talk to counteract your secret shame.

Secret shame can only be overcome if you recognize what it is in the first place. It may be a perception, belief, emotion, or past occurrence. This is what must be addressed before it creates inner turmoil and toxicity. Ask yourself why you feel ashamed, how you came to believe this was shame, and what the real problem of secret shame is can serve as a good starting point. Get to the heart of the matter without berating, hating, or fearing yourself and those around you.

Confront your secret shame by knowing what fear is keeping you from resolving the issue with yourself. Are you afraid of being hated because you made a mistake? To that point, do you think that the people who love you would suddenly stop because you have a secret? If so, then you are going down an irrational train of thought.

These are examples of irrational secret shame statements:

1. Nobody will ever truly love me because I slept with my boss.2. I am a terrible mother because there is laundry on the floor.3. I am worthless because I cannot find a husband.

Use the same skills of realization, recognition and logic that you apply to your professional work to fight the negativity that secret shame creates.

Refute the beliefs and fears that cause the shame by using self affirming statements such as the following:

1. I deserve to love myself and to have others love me.2. I deserve to be good to myself and to have a break.3. I deserve to be happy while I am single, and I am not defined by the relationships I do (or don’t) have.

To deal with your secret shame, first learn to accept yourself. You are an individual that is unique, beautiful, smart and loving. Forgive yourself by committing acts of self love and spiritual healing. This is taking the time to let go of pain, guilt, and shame either through healthy expression, such as talking about it with a loved one, or through positive and self-affirming statements. Write your favourite self-affirming statements, especially those that directly oppose the secret shame, in a notebook and keep that in your purse or wallet.

Allow yourself to be forgiving to others, but also stand up for your rights. Avoid the victim mentality of “Why do I let people treat me like that?” This simply furthers the problem by leading you down an irrational thought process that develops secret shame into negative self talk. Instead, confront the problem logically. Use self-affirming statements and prepare yourself to forgive and be forgiven. Do not allow yourself to stay with people who verbally or physically abuse you because you think you deserve that. You are better than that. We deserve to be happy and loved, and we deserve to love others.

Secret shame is inner guilt that stems from not reaching a perceived standard in life. It grows because we do not allow ourselves to forgive that secret shame. As the old adage claims, we are own worst critics. Many of the things we hold as our secret shame would be understood and forgiven by others if we would only forgive ourselves first. Secret shame denies us the right to make mistakes as people; it is the internal expression of our failures and self-doubt or anger.

The power of the self is an amazing thing. It can build us with just as much force and creativity that it can use to destroy us. To cope with secret shame you begin with the building blocks of the self. These are self affirmation, self respect, and self talks. Coping begins with recognizing the actual situation or problem that created the secret shame in the beginning. This is a double-edge sword, where meeting the memory head on can lead you back down the path of irrational and fantastical self-abuse. Therefore, it becomes important to be flexible with your inner voices and coping skills, realizing that secret shame can only be overcome by coping with the actual problem or action instead of our perception and irrational fantasy about it.

Think of healthy and positive ways you can use self-talk to develop your inner views. Take a moment to pause when you start to obsess with secret shame and the irrational thoughts that come with it. Yes, quite simply stop thinking in that regard.

Change the focus of the thoughts to affirm that you are normal and special. I want to stress the importance of using self talk to forgive yourself and to forgive those around you. Forgiveness knows that it is okay that you are not perfect. Repeat that as often as you possibly can, but also mean it. Keep that promise of forgiveness to yourself by refusing to allow shame to control your life and create negative self-perceptions.

Have I forgiven myself? I don’t know, yet. I am still working on that. I know I forgive myself for the dishes being dirty and the floor not being vacuumed, but those are the little things. I forgive myself for being a victim and allowing that earlier event to control my self-view. I don’t know quite yet if I forgive myself for hurting the people around me and for causing the trouble I caused. I can recognize and understand how I came to the self-destructive behaviour. It only took me twenty years to get that far. I know that if I continue to forgive myself, if we all continue to forgive ourselves, then we give the inner self a gift that overcomes anything else in life: hope.

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