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January 11, 2010

Spin Cycle: Fear?

Sure, there are things I don't like, such as heights, slasher movies, and stories about real life serial killers. But fear? Not so much.

When I was a young nurse working on pediatrics, one of my colleagues commented that she was afraid of dying.

I'd thought about this one a lot. "I don't really fear dying," I said, with the naive self assuredness that one can only possess in his or her 20's. "I mean, I don't want to die. But I''m not afraid of it."

To her credit, she did not slap me. "That's because you don't have kids," she said kindly. "Being a mother changes that."

"Maybe." I shrugged.

Maybe?

My son was probably only hours old when my fear of dying set in. If I died, who would raise him in the manner that I so carefully envisioned?

I felt a little better when I gave him a sibling, but I now had two souls whose very existence hinged on me being alive and well. And then, soon enough, three.

It's not as though it's some neurotic phobia. Rarely, if ever, does it creep into the forefront of my mind.

Yet somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain, it's always there: I must stay alive at least long enough to see these three people into the realm of independent adulthood. Anything less would leave them vulnerable, exposed to emotional and psychological scars that might never heal.

Am I blowing this out of proportion to increase my own sense of importance? Possibly.

But it has always seemed to me that the loss of one's mother, before a certain age, is one that few recover from completely.

When Princess Diana died, I felt this pain for her as well as her sons. I was reassured that they were old enough to have lifelong memories of her, but felt she would've been devastated not to be there for the joys and pain of their teen years, and to cushion the angst of their early adulthood.

I'm sure I was internalizing big time.

So what is the magic age, the one my children need to reach before I'll feel comfortable giving up this fear? Well, at 22, I feel First-Born Son may be close. But Daughter #2 is only 15.

Believe me, I'm not about to stand up, arms wide open, beckoning the Grim Reaper, the day she turns 25. I fully intend to live to a good and annoyingly ripe old age.

And yes, I'm aware my grown children will never stop needing me in one way or another. But the major leg work, so to speak, will be complete. And, I think, I'll finally be able to let go of my fear.

Comments

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Sweetie, do you really believe that day will ever come where you'll feel, "Okay...my work here is done. They won't be scarred for life if I head on over to the great beyond."

Never. Gonna. Happen.

I lost my mom as a full-blown married adult with three children. Can you say devastated? She wasn't as much "Mom" anymore...but my best friend. The FIRST one I called when one of the boys tested positive for strep...even before calling the hubby. She understood me better than anyone...was more supportive...and was always there for me.

When Mom died, three of her four children were divorced within 2 years. That was our wake-up call that life was too short.

I guess what I'm saying is: The better the mom, the harder it will be for your kids to survive your passing....so you may want to throw a little Joan Crawford at 'em every now and then...

This is a fear that we all live with and I'm not sure if it ever goes away. I lost my dad when I was in my late 30s and was totally devastated. I would hate to think of what my boys would go through if I should die now. They are 24 and 26 but we are so close that I'm sure they would be crushed. I don't try to think of it much. I love the way you handled this topic. It's a hard one.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I imagined that magic age of when my kids would be alright without me.... I am thankful for each year and have to believe I will be here as long as I need to be.

Oh. I never thought about it from the perspective of leaving my children without a mother because I have no children. I am not too concerned about leaving the world without any of my genetic material. Does the world really need more chubby thighs and lackluster hair?

I do not fear being dead but I do fear the process itself because I watched my father die and his was not an easy death.

I do not fear being dead because either there is nothing after we die and so there is oblivion or there is heaven and yay! we get to be reunited with the ones we love.

No. I do not want to consider the possibility of hell, at least not for myself. For certain others, yes. Although as a Christian, I am not supposed to. Bad Christian.

Maureen, there is absolutely no good age to lose your mother. I was 17, and I miss her as much today as I did back then. You want (nope, you don't need, but you do want) your mother around for so many things! Your wedding, your children, those middle of the night worries. It would be so nice to be able to call her just to chat.

One of my greatest fears is that I'll leave LG and o alone like that...

A number of years back (probably fewer than 10) my mom told me that she was just getting confident that I'd be OK on my own. So, I was in my 40s, had been out of college for 20+ years, never unemployed, had plenty of savings, was a homeowner, no debt...not sure what other criteria was needed? Maybe moms really never stop worrying. That's what I'm thinking. After I got divorced, she would have LOVED for me to move next door to her so she could introduce me to all the right people, etc. I asked some of my coworkers about that who had grown daughters and they said they totally understood....hmmm.

But all that said, I love my mommy and would so much love it if she would come to live with ME! she says that's not going to happen.

Essentially, my boys only remember living in an extended-family situation. They are very close to my parents and I feel that the boy have kept my parents young. But now my folks are in their 70's and I worry about how someday their passing will affect my children.

I had an abnormal mammogram a little over a year ago, and in that week between the test, the exam, the biopsy, and the diagnosis (benign) my thoughts were stuck on how much I needed to be healthy for my kids. What would they do? Who would look after them if I weren't around? Prayers then were the most heartfelt and desperate than I have ever prayed. I hope I never have to go through an experience like that experience again, but I'm grateful for it, too, because it make me realize how much I really loved and would miss my kids. I kind of took them and hubby for granted before. Sadly, it was true.

Who was it that said that when we became a parent, we take our heart and wear it outside our body? Something like that. That's how it feels, some days.

I've feared death for as long as I can remember and yes, I fear it more now that I have a son...I worry about him living without me and not having me to help put him to bed, kiss his skinned knees and comfort when a girl breaks his heart for the first time. . .I can relate....

Death in general scares the bejeezus out of me. Not just my own mortality, but my loved ones, it's really more than I can bear to think about. Of course motherhood has changed my perspective on that drastically, although it doesn't help that at almost 35 I still have not just my mother around, but her parents too.

I guess I haven't ever really considered how having kst not crossed my mind as something to *fear*. Thanks for such a thoughtful post.ids would change your mindset toward death. Great post, because now you have me thinking about it. Zach lost his older sister, two years ago this June, and her kids (26, 21, 16 and 14) and husband are lost w/out her. So what you say makes complete sense. It had just hadn't crossed my mind in quite the way it does after reading your post.

I guess I haven't ever really considered fearing death in this way. Thanks for such a thoughtful post.I can see now how kids would change your mindset toward death. Great post, because now you have me thinking about it. Zach lost his older sister, two years ago this June, and her kids (26, 21, 16 and 14) and husband are lost w/out her. So what you say makes complete sense. It just hadn't crossed my mind in quite the way it does after reading your post. There. I think this one makes way more sense. I believe that my mouse pad on this stupid laptop cut and paste w/out me asking it to. Happens all the time!

The fear of death overcame me as well as soon as I became a mother. I do have to say that now my kids are officially adults, out of school and employed, I do feel somewhat like I got them across the goal line and if I died now, while it would still be hard for them, they wouldn't suffer the kind of scars that children who lose a parent do. I have even told myself when I feel a panic attack come on in an airplane, It's okay if I die. Somehow this relaxes me.

I totally get that. My fear of not being here for the kids is almost as great as my fear of something happening to them. I still lie awake every night, jumping up at every sound I hear because I'm sure someone's breaking in to steal the kids.