They pander to the lowest common denominator. They lie. They’re corrupt. They are vile, low creatures, worse than a Tregladian Bladder Beast, or even that fuzzy purple stuff you see growing all over dead things on planet Numingar — you know, the crud that smells like ammonia and makes whiny, wheezy noises whenever you try to scrape it off rotting flesh.

Would you want something like that kissing your baby?

If elected I promise to bring integrity (and the pleasing odor of primate musk) back to politics. When I say I’m going to make all of the hominids without hair on their backs second-class citizens, by Vengor’s One Weepy Ocular Appendage, I’ll make them second-class citizens! When I pass a law forcing you to kiss my hairy simian ass or face an afternoon in the Bee Gee tank, you’d better start puckering up!

So, yes. (But only because I don’t have a proper intergalactic army of mutant monkeys to make me your tyrant … yet.)

Next time: I’ve discovered that if I rub my stocking feet against a carpet, I can give people a small electrical shock. Is there any way I can magnify the effect?

Alltop magnifies your humor. Originally published in the wee hours of blogging, in November 2005!