We Read Complex’s Kreayshawn Cover Story So You Don’t Have To

This is our fault. It is your fault. It’s everyone’s fault that Kreayshawn has been given a cover on Complex (with a cover shot that, you know, some things just don’t even bear commenting on) and a quite extensive interview. Nothing against the feature, which does its job quite well for the job. And we don’t want to indiscriminately leech off other sites’ stuff or keep helping out the self-perpetuating Kreayshawn cycle that you can watch perpetuate itself right now. But if we didn’t pick this thing up, somebody else would, and besides, there is a lot that needs pointing and/or calling out. So let’s get to it.

(In the interest of not being completely jerkish about this, you can read the full interview here.)

BIGGEST NO-SHOW BY ANYTHING RESEMBLING PERSPECTIVE OR SENSITIVITY: “Kreayshawn, born Natassia Zolot, would like to deal with Game more directly. “I wanna slap a grown-ass man in the face,” she says, defiantly.” (Because this will definitely dispel any accusations of racial insensitivity on Kreayshawn’s part. Does she even realize what she’s saying?)

MOST OUT-OF-NOWHERE ANECDOTE: “She was expelled from Alameda High for threatening to throw a watermelon at a girl…” (We’ve got nothing.)

ANECDOTE THAT YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT MORE THAN THE ARTICLE IDLY MENTIONS: “She says she also picked up some less-than-legal side hustles: selling coke and Craigslist pimping. … According to Kreay, that gig ended when older, more experienced Oakland pimps took over her clientele, so she returned to dealing full-time.” (There is absolutely no way this ended well after “older, more experienced Oakland pimps took over” anything, and it’s really depressing to think about.)

THE TAKING CREDIT FOR KREAYSHAWN AWARD: Her work around town led to interest from other regional acts, including a kid from Berkeley named Lil B. “She was a dope artist,” B recalls. “I wanted to give her a chance so I let her shoot some videos for me. I put her in the game,” he adds, pointedly. (Lil B: I Discovered Kreayshawn! Click for more!)

MOST FOREGONE CONCLUSION, THAT IS, MORE FOREGONE THAN KREAYSHAWN’S ALBUM: “I have video of a 10-year-old freestyle I did about me eating free lunch in middle school,” she says. (You know Rule 34 [kids, don't Google it]? This is like that, except for YouTubable material. Expect this to surface online during a lull in headlines.)

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHERS AWARD: “Since inking her deal, she’s splurged on a vintage gold Casio, a Game Boy Color, a new place in Hollywood, and a convertible 1990 Buick Reatta.” (Going price on eBay: $24.95.)

MOST DEFT EXCISING OF FAILED DIRECTORIAL COUP: Her directing career has taken off as well. Soulja Boy has asked her to shoot a video for him, and, according to Kreay, Curren$y wants to collaborate as well. Snoop Dogg already has. (Not mentioned: Red Hot Chili Peppers.)