Here we find Matthew McConaughey, filming some movie called Gold, and looking like a sexually confusing hot mess. According to Wikipedia, the movie is about "an unlucky man Kenny Wells (Matthew McConaughey), who teams-up with a geologist Michael Acosta (Édgar Ramírez) to find gold deep in the uncharted jungles of Indonesia."

I guess if you don't want to be unlucky in life, one should avoid cockatoo-themed novelty ties?

But back to the task at hand -- would you? You know that under those ill-fitting pleated slacks lies actual Matthew McConaughey in all his weird glory, but that tongue is very...there.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Is this your favorite use of green screen in the history of technology? Why am I even asking, of course it is. Stick it up your ass, Great Gatsby (the movie), there's a new green screen cowboy in green screen town.

This is TV John, and he's your new boyfriend. He also needs someone to turn his vocals way up. And because you are now borderline obsessed with TV John and TV John's life, here is TV John's cable access TV show. Thank you for existing, Reddit, just for finding rare and majestic gems like TV John.

What do you think TV John is doing right now? Maybe he's shopping on Amazon Prime for tube socks.

If you've ever lain awake nights thinking, "I wonder if that sexy-ass Alexander Skarsgård would make a gorgeous, 6'4" lady?" here's your answer: It's a clear and resounding, "YES, BITCH." Now you can sit back, relax, pour yourself a tall, frosted glass of Goldschlager and swallow that mofo whole. (I'm not sure that entire euphemism worked even a little, but you get it. At least kind of.)

Alexander kept it grown and sexy last night at the premiere of his lastest movie, The Diary of a Teenage Girl, which took place at the Castro Theater in San Francisco, and included a pre-movie drag show. If I have learned anything today, it's that I am not living my best life. I'm living, like, my seventh best life.

And if you think that just because such a giant man chose such an disproportionately tiny clutch to carry, or that because he looks 573% more eleganza in a floor-length, sequined dress than I ever could, would dull my attraction to this beautiful, Swedish meatless meatball, YOU ARE DEAD MF-ING WRONG. (Also, if you think that last sentence was the most awkwardly-worded thing you've ever read, you are dead right. Welcome.)

I will firmly keep AS(s) in the "will do" column, semi-sad wig ends be damned.

Monday, May 18, 2015

I love horror movies. Even shitty ones. I also love to rank dudes. And as long as my brain and heart are keeping it 100, I really enjoy doing this because women are constantly being ranked like a mofo, and that is mildly-to-moderately annoying. So why not combine these two seemingly unrelated pastimes into a giant, awkward hodgepodge, by playing a game of who would you do, starring horror movie killers? Let's discuss who slayed our hearts (and other parts) and who killed us a little too softly.

#11 -- Pennywise the Clown

I mean, are you effing kidding me? If you find Pennywise attractive in any way, please escort yourself to the nearest exit. Those '90s-Pamela-Anderson-Lee eyebrows alone are enough to induce vivid-ass nightmares.

Verdict: I would rather stab my eyeballs out with one of those teeths than get on that.

#10 -- Chucky

There's a murderer's soul trapped in a ginger doll's body, which makes for a pretty horrifying situation in the ol' sex department. And look how he's attacking that adorable, miniature King Jaffe. That bitch is just all shades of wrong, man.

Verdict: The only box that little guy is getting in is the one from the toy manufacturer.

#9 -- Freddy Krueger

Homie might not have the best looking mug on the block, but he can put together a decent outfit and even accessorizes pretty well. But his checkered past and sharp finger areas make him decidedly less sexually attractive.

Verdict: Hard pass on those knife phalanges. NOPE.

#8 -- Michael Myers

MM has terrible hair, and we've only seen a flash of that precious murder face, but there's just something about this pasty-faced slow walker. Ladies love a man in a (janitorial) uniform?

Verdict: Solid maybe for that ill-fitting mask and those bedroom eye holes.

#7 -- Pinhead

Okay, so this dude's the biggest sadist in all of the universes, and his mouth is a real crime scene. But his makeup is kind of amazing, and his face is like a necklace hoarder's wet dream of a DIY Pinterest (heh) project.

Verdict: Ellie Goulding told me anything could happen, so who the hell knows.

#6 -- Jason Voorhees

I'm pretty, pretty sure under that mask lies a blazing hot mess, but I'm still intrigued by the mystery of it all. Someone call Dr. Tobias Fünke, I think I read too many R.L. Stine books in the '90s.

Verdict: Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

#5 -- Hannibal Lecter

What's not to like about a smart, well-read doctor that loves to cook? And he's such a helper! (Note: The TV version of Dr. Lecter is seriously hot AF, no doubt.)

Verdict: Yes, but only eat at restaurants that you choose.

#4 -- Candyman

This guy used to scare the shit out of me, but in 1992 everyone was afraid of those freaky-bitches-that-popped-up-in-the-mirror-after-saying-their-name-multiple-times types. I see you, Bloody Mary. Upon further reflection (ZING!), CM is pretty hot (that jawline!) and is a boss at pulling off that sexy-whisper voice.

Verdict: Buzz on over to my (lady) flower.

#3 -- Buffalo Bill

Bill is hot, and he knows it. He's so confident in his tuck! He looks phenomenal in a kimono! And even he would eff himself. Hard. You can't question that.

Verdict: He loves lotion AND dogs! It's a yes.

#2 -- Norman Bates

Norm has mommy issues like woah and is a total creepy-ass weirdo, but they power of those bangs cannot be denied. MOM BONES + ME 4EVA.

Verdict: Reservation for two at the Bates Motel for this girl.

#1 -- The Scream Boys

Is it inappropriate that two "teenaged" boys are number one for me? Please, I talked about sexing a child's doll -- nothing is off limits. Billy Loomis is the sexiest low-rent Johnny Depp that ever perused the hair gel section of CVS.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Hey, remember when I actually did shit like GUUUUUURL Of The Day on the regular? I barely do, too. Sorry for being an XXL POS. I'll send you an Edible Arrangement. (No, I won't, and you know it.)

I had to bring this mess back because we really need to talk about the sexual being that is Jamie Dornan and the possibly non-sexual accoutrement that's happening on his face. Maybe we should have a look from a different angle? Maybe that will somehow switch it from patchy and mustache-y to grown and sexy?

Monday, March 2, 2015

Drown you sorrows in all of the world's cold quinoa and kale salads -- Jesus Leto is no more. Jared cut off all of his hotness for a role in something called Suicide Squad, which is apparently a movie based on a comic. And homie is playing the Joker.

Don't get me wrong, Jared Leto is hot no matter what. He could put a rancid octopus on his head and still be sexual AF. But I like my Leto one of two ways: Catalano or scruffed up.

What do you think? Are you into this sleek shit? Tell me all of your feelings on everything.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

I'm not one of those crazy end-of-the-worlders, but it's the end of the world. I'm certain of this because the universe's most irritating infant, Justin Bieber, is showing off all of his cookies and milk as the newest Calvin Klein underwear model. And if that isn't the biggest sign of Earth's impending doom, I don't know what is.

If you don't feel like vom-ing enough, here's a little more fuel to your barf fire.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Today's entry into the "Diary of I'm-Trying-To-Hide-My-Hot-From-You" is Zac Efron, with his freshly grown tragi-stache. (He's also accompanied by a beatnik poet that performs in biker bars. Or maybe a girlfriend? One can never really be sure.)

I can't handle this mustache in any way, shape or form. Probably because it's a hair (har har) too close of my dad's own facial hair, and that sends up a big ol' NOPE flag to proudly flap high into the dude sky.

Let's look past the fact that I'm dressed in something that Bubbles the chimp might wear, and note the disturbing follicular similarities. If Efron starts wearing THOSE glasses, I'm quitting this bitch. And by bitch, I mean Earth.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I'm kind of a Beverly Hills, 90210 nut, as evidenced by this picture of me wearing a Brenda Walsh mugshot t-shirt that my friend Sarah bought me. Because of my particular brand of crazy brains, I've spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the dudes of BH High. That sounds illegal, but everyone on that show was, like, 42 during the show's run, so stop judging my ass.

All of this pondering led me to compile a list of pros and cons for each 90210-type-of-bro, so we can find out, once and for all, who would you rather?

Friday, November 21, 2014

Let's be real, dudes have it easier in a multitude of ways. I'm not going to list them now, we're all painfully aware of that shit. But with Thanksgiving coming up, and everyone flooding your social media with "OMGZZZZ I'M SO THANKFUL FOR FLOWERS #WHATIMTHANKFULFOR2014," I thought I would turn the tables with my thoughts on why I'm so glad I'm NOT a dude.

#1 -- Pretty much zero clothing options. "Hmmm. Should I wear this boring-ass shirt and these semi-blah pants or THIS boring-ass shirt with THESE semi-blah pants? Decisions, decisions." And shoe options are, like, boat shoes or something else that's almost as bad as a boat shoe.

#2 -- Being expected to do socially constructed "mantivities." This definitely goes both ways when it comes to gender (OBVS -- why am I supposed to be the cooker/cleaner/caretaker/whatever? Dumb.), but guys are traditionally expected to do the grossest tasks like killing bugs or other varmints and taking out the leaky, garbage juice-soaked trash. Plus, it's assumed that you watch sports things. NOPE.

#3 -- Your ween telling you to do shit like this.

Dudes be lookin' gross like woah.

#4 -- And really, just having a wang at all.

Doesn't it just get in the way all the time? It sounds annoying. Vaginas 4 LYFE.

#10 -- People judge your ass for beautifying stuff. Okay, this is a tough one. Women are EXPECTED to do crap to enhance our looks, but if a dude gets a manicure, or a spray tan, or wears any kind of makeup, people get weird about it. Who cares? Let people do whatever the eff they want to themselves. Or don't do what they want to themselves. Both ways. Ladies that don't want to shave their bodies and guys that wear lip gloss? Get over it, world. It's not your life.

What did I leave out? What makes you thankful to be lady-folk? It's Thanksgiving times!

What is life anymore, really? After my eyeballs gazed upon these photos of the once at least semi-attractive diamond-encrusted vampire, I'm not really sure.

This might be the actual worst haircut I've ever seen on a dude. It looks like the world's most awful bowl cut with an additional stick-on merkin that you would get from a gumball machine at a porn store.

My eyeballs need a long soak in the bath. With bath salts. Maybe even BATH SALTS bath salts.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

It's been a total sausage fest for the last 24 hours, man. No, not at my house. The only sausage fest around here would be me literally just eating actual sausage in a festive manner. And it's more of a bacon fest at my house.

I'm talking about dudes taking the internets by storm with kooky antics and/or hotness, depending on your view. So this guy-o-rama clearly lends itself to the question -- WHO WOULD YOU RATHER? Let's take a look at the dazzling contestants.

First up, the most recent gentleman (???) to be dubbed 'Hot Mugshot Guy'. (Yes, I just linked to a Yahoo! News article. I like to kick it old school.) This smize expert was arrested in Santa Cruz on Halloween for:

"...attacking a person dressed as a Fox News reporter. The suspect attacked the victim telling him he “hates Fox News”. The suspect grabbed the victim’s microphone and placed down the front of his pants and proceeded to rub the microphone on his crotch. The suspect then attacked the victim with an aluminum tennis racquet. The victim was not injured and reported the incident to police. The suspect fled as officers approached, but was eventually ran down and caught by pursuing officers."

I'm a little torn on this one. This guy is a clearly a total sexpot in the ol' face department, but that flesh-colored t-shirt is doing him zero favors. Also, why are you assaulting someone dressed in a costume of something that you don't like? Has he been asleep for several years, à la Rip van Winkle, and didn't know it was Halloween? Where did he get a tennis racket? Was he dressed as Anna Kournikova? The non-timeliness of that costume actually supports my Rip van Winkle story. Also, maybe don't assault people. Also, the victim in this case should sell the crotch-rubbed microphone on eBay. I'm sure some people would buy that shit.

Next up in this man-on-man competition is this local TV news guy annoying the shit out of his co-host with his T.I.-themed voguing.

I love this dude for his impromptu use of props and Clark Kent hair. He loses points for lack of edginess in my book, but there were zero assaults happening, so there's that. Except for homie being cut via eyeballs from his co-anchor.

So who would you guys rather? I'm slightly leaning toward Mug on this one, mostly because those eyes and cheekbones really speak to my bathing suit area. Thoughts?

P.S. Alex from Target is not in this contest because I'm not trying to catch some charges.

If any guy has happened upon this blog, I'm sure you were innocently googling something like "big ass porn," (it happens a lot). But while you're here, just head this warning: PLEASE NEVER, EVER (never, ever? never, ever.) DO THIS SHIT.

There's only one exception.

Okay, two exceptions.

If your name is Rick, and you're eyeball pervin' to try to telepathically tell me to get more hams and direct me promptly toward the oversized Hershey's Chocolate Bar for bonus points, peep creep away. Peep creep away, Rick. All soul windows on deck.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Please watch this morning show host ask Matthew Crawley if he "had to beat off a lot of American men" to get his latest part in the movie The Guest. Homegirl does not get what might be funny about this shit AT ALL, and even repeats herself, causing MC/DS to throw himself a little giggle fest.

Because I'm mentally a twelve year old boy, this makes me laugh every time I watch it. HJ/handy humor never gets old. Thank you for all that you do, British ladies.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

This picture is completely unrelated, but I found it really humorous that Justin Bieber and his friend are wearing not only matching shorts and topless-ness, but also identical underwear. Twinsies!

I was scrolling through Instagram last night, and I came across a picture of Miranda Kerr that Biebs had posted. (YES, I FOLLOW HIM. I HATE MYSELF.) That little twerpy derp has since taken it down, but I thought it was kind of weird. But now it all makes sense after waking up to this pretty MF-ing amazing story about Orlando Bloom trying to put his delicate hands across JB's smug mug.

And there's a Swedish video of this. WITH SLOWMO. Let's watch and laugh together.

These two apparently got wild for the night, f being polite, over Baby B maybe doing sex stuffs with Miranda Kerr (BRB vomiting until my jaw falls off) and possibly Orlando Bloom hanging out with Selena Gomez a few months ago. Whatever the case, we can all thank Yeezus that SOMEBODY finally attempted to spank this toddler. Even if it was Orlando Bloom, who I could probably beat up quickly and efficiently, and seems like he bathes in rose water with a splash of honey. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still firmly in the "would do" camp, he just doesn't seem like the punch shit type.)

After the misfired punch goes down, Bieber apparently screams, "What's up, bitch?" while his security team attempts to contain their giggles, I'm sure. Sounds like it's time for somebody's nap nap. This is all just definitive proof that humans need to stop f-ing Justin Bieber. Ever.

UPDATE: Baby Biebs just posted this to his Instagram. Someone take his damn LeapFrog away.

Monday, June 30, 2014

First, we have the sexual ginger candy that is Prince Harry. PH definitely wins the cute points by dancing with adorable kids at a Chilean children's home. I feel like Hars is just getting more and more attractive as he ages. It's like he's the reverse Prince William. (Sorry for that burn, lil' Willy style.)

He loses points on the ACTUAL dancing, but he's with kids. It's not like he can be all Genuwine "Pony"-ing all over the youth of Chile. But even his clapping is sub-par and whiter than the purest white chocolate sauce. Yet, still hot.

Get it? Like, he's a redhead, too, so fire...My apologies.

Then there's Zac. I always forget that homeboy is a great dancer. Maybe because I've never seen High School Musical. But he is.

Plus, we know what he's working with under that slinky top. We see you, Efs. We see you.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Listen, I'm not in the game of offending military people. I'm in the game of rude ass-ing every other person's life, really. But I have to ask this -- is this the regular shorts attire of actual Navy Seals? Because that is the character that B Coops is portraying in this sassy (literal) ass picture from the set of his new movie, American Sniper, and it's causing me to not even really know what to think right now. Except that we need to see what kind of business is happening in the front.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I know you're all, "It's Wednesday, ya' dumb dumb," right now, because I'm talking TOFTBT on a non-Tuesday...day. But I couldn't let these photos of Jude Law's teddy bear moobs just wander by my eyeballs without comment. That ain't me, babe. And I was going to post these last night, but then I drank a glass of wine and got a case of "forgot to do shits." Whatever, let's see more skin.

Ugh, Jude is such a dude. He doesn't even know how to squeeze citrus/bend over in a slutty top without showing off all the cookies.

A few general observations here:

I would wear this entire outfit.

It's kind of adorable that he wanted to wear his brand new freakum tee to shop for produce. (Look at the sharpness of that sleeve pleat. This top is fresh out the shopping bag.)

Is he doing the "use your arms to push your tatas together" trick in the last picture? DOES HE KNOW ALL OF OUR LADY SECRETS?

Sorry, Jude. You just barely missed out on TOFTBT. If only that deep ass v was a little deeper. Better luck next time!