Tag Archives: hackney

Just one hummus outlet decimated by tahini-mad rioters, claims report.

Following the publication of a controversial new study that claims riots in Hackney were sparked by the soaring price of hummus, a leading academic has been forced to rebut allegations he had improper relations with avocado.

Professor Tim Newman, Head of Social Policy at the London School of Economics, is seen as the leading voice on the civil unrest which rocked London in August. More accustomed to locking horns with leading figures in Government and academia, Professor Newman today found himself forced deny bizarre allegations surfacing on social networking sites that he had gotten too close to “at least two avocado”.

The chain of events began with a controversial report published by the Tahini Council that contradicts earlier research by Newman who found the London riots were a reaction to police oppression and socio-economic deprivation. While that may be true for the rest of London, the new Tahini Council report claims the riots in Hackney were distinct as they correlate with a spike in the street price of hummus.

“The Hackney riots can be directly attributed to unprecedented increases in the price of hummus which hit over £2 a 100g on the first day of unrest”, the report states before noting similar trends in the wholesale price of baba ganoush. The Council is calling for the removal of all import duties on tahini to suppress street prices of both dips and quell unrest.

Professor Newman, whose researchers have interviewed hundreds of rioters across the capital, rushed to rubbish the report citing the Tahini Council’s conflict of interest and limited credibility in the fields of either criminology or social policy.

Appearing on the Today programme with James Naughtie, Newman fumed, “the Tahini Council report is a transparent, baseless and dangerous attempt to boost sales of hummus on the back of Londoner’s suffering”.

Newman was clearly stunned when Naughtie then read out a preprepared response from the Tahini Council that implied the LSE boffin had worrying conflicts of his own. It read, “the public can decide for themselves why Professor Newman is so determined to ignore the obvious connection between riots and the street price of tahini-derived dips. Will he now come clean on how much funding he had taken from the guacamole lobby and on the exact nature of his personal relations with at least two avocado?”

The clearly flustered egghead’s garbled defence immediately unleashed a wave of suspicion on social networking sites that grew as the day went on. A further three avocado came forward with allegations of harassment against Newman and a sonnet he had penned in his student days entitled Spring nights with guacamole surfaced on Twitter.

As the pressure on him mounted, Newman issued a heartfelt declaration from the doorstep of his London home. “I am not having, and have never had, improper relations with avocado”.

Biggins: fights over prosecco and mint tea shortages were warnings

The hummus hypothesis has drawn a mixed review from prominent Hackney residents. Christopher Biggens said the warning signs were there after street fights broke out in 2009 over the availability of processo and mint tea. He went on to indulge in an entertaining but largely superfluous anecdote about Joan Collins. Legendary DJ superstars Tears for Queers, who perform a monthly residency in the borough, backed Professor Newman. A statement from the duo praised the rigour and focus of Newman’s research before defending “the man’s right to get funky with any fruit or root he desires”.

The political fallout from the scandal is not clear but it adds to existing tensions within the coalition. Home Secretary Theresa May has been keen to portray the riots as acts of wanton vandalism and has seized upon the Tahini Council’s findings to further undermine Newman’s research that policing and poverty were to blame. Liberal Democrats however are acutely aware of hummus lovers traditional support for their party and will be wary of doing any more to upset it.

Tears for Queers have invited both sides to “dance it out” at their next party in Hackney on 6 January from 8ish at the George & Dragon, 2 Hackney Road, E2 7NS.

Hillary Clinton, ragga MC and U.S. Secretary of State, was deeply pleasured today by a Tears for Queers mixtape she inserted in to the pocket of her trademark pantsuit. The mixtape, thought to have been handed to her by an elite troupe of Libyan rebels, contained 17 songs carefully curated by the global DJs to inspire euphoria amongst the freedom fighters. Clearly, the effect on Clinton was more potent still.

It is not the first time MC Killer Hilz, as the Secretary of State is known on the ragga scene, has been linked with Tears for Queers. Following an impromptu rap during the assassination of Osama Bin Ladan that drew widespread praise from military bigwigs, rumours grew that Clinton would make a guest appearance at the DJs’ notorious George & Dragon residency.

Just as Tears for Queers remained characteristically tight lipped about those rumours, so the party phenomenons have kept their counsel on which tracks sparked such sexual delight in Mrs Clinton. Forces on the ground in Tripoli suggested it could have been Linda Lyndell’s original version of What a Man. Others, conscious of Clinton’s dancehall heritage, suspect that nothing less than Lady Saw could have sparked such undisguised joy.

Tears for Queers could not be reached for comment amid rumours that having helped secure freedom for Libyans they are now focusing efforts on entirely revolutionising the chocolate brownie.

Legendary DJ and ‘dentist to the stars’ joins Tears for Queers tonight at 8ish for unprecedented party mayhem at the George and Dragon, 2 Hackney Road, London.

In a bizarre revelation, pop star Katy Perry has revealed the secret behind her incandescent million-dollar smile: cat’s milk. Perry claims her teeth transformed almost overnight from a dank, tarred brown to their current brilliance after she took unorthodox advice from an elusive dentist/DJ. The famous dentist, whose identity is unknown but whose clients include countless celebrities, instructed the California Gurls star to whiten her nashers by drinking cat’s milk direct from the cat. “You gotta get it right from the teat”, said Perry.

The glamorous dentist/DJ is renowned amongst the world’s rich and famous who will do anything to uncover her identity and join her select clientèle. However, the eminent clinician/entertainer only treats patients she herself chooses, rendering their tireless efforts futile. Madonna and Robert Mugabe are just two leading figures reported to be “devastated” by their failure to get themselves among the chosen few while several villages across the Sudan have benefited from the elusive molar-maniac’s little reported humanitarian work.

Originally from Galicia in Spain, the bewitching clinician is as famous for her film star good looks as her pioneering, if unorthodox, orthodontic advice. Yet it is her emergence as a leading DJ that is perhaps most surprising. She is famed across the planet for the potency of her anthemic party selections. It is only natural then that she should join forces with Tears for Queers tonight for an unprecedented frenzy of feelgood houseparty hits.

Pilar Bardem: "As a woman, a patient and music aficionado, I cannot describe the pride and joy I feel today knowing the dentist is joining Tears for Queers tonight at the George and Dragon from 8ish. Fiesta total".

The great and good from across the planet have been quick to laud the pairing. Pilar Bardem, who the mysterious DJ/dentist once advised to chew raccoons for halitosis, this morning declared her joy at hearing the news. “As a woman, a patient and music aficionado, I cannot describe the pride and joy I feel today knowing the dentist is joining Tears for Queers tonight at the George and Dragon from 8ish. Fiesta total”.

Tears for Queers (@tearsforqueers) play a floor shaking selection of party hits the first Friday of every month in notorious London den the George and Dragon, 2 Hackney Road, from 8ish to 12ish for free. Come and shake booty.

Tears for Queers play at the George & Dragon tonight from 8ish until after midnight joined by guest star, Britney superfan and cashmere maniac.

Montserrat Caballé arrives at work for dress-down Friday.

Britney Spears has pledged the use of a handsome superfan to Tears for Queers for their internationally loved summerfun party tonight at notorious London fagpit, the George and Dragon. Citing Tears for Queers hugely influential campaign with ragga legend Montserrat Caballé to boycott tabloid press, Britney declared, “Those femme fatals inspired me to ditch the tabloids and hit The Economist” before apparently mimicking a sheep and repeating the word “Baaaaby” countless times.

Montserrat Caballé hitting the floor to Amanda Lear at the latest Tears for Queers

As revelations about tabloid evil poured forth this week, Montserrat Caballé and Tears for Queers responded to the rank lack of decency and democracy by calling on fans to boycott the publications. To combat the inevitable ennui and anxiety of tabloid withdrawal, they recommended fans draw strength by reading a book or looking at pictures of inspirational ladies such aso Pam St Clement, Patti Labelle and Estelle Getty.

Estelle Getty, inspirational leader

Montserrat Caballé is just the latest in a long line of big hat wearing woman to join forces with the High Priestesses of good times, Tears for Queers. Aretha Franklin and the first lady of Cameroon were rumoured to be planning a murderous millinery rumpus at the DJ’s now legendary GutterSlut debut earlier this year. Thankfully no headpieces were harmed and the ladies settled their hat-based differences through a good natured dance off.

Carla Bruni, the beautiful First Lady of France who shot to fame in the WWII documentary ‘Allo ‘Allo, denied she was not invited to the royal wedding today. Twisting a string of pearls on her finger, Bruni insisted that she declined an invitation, preferring to preserve herself for infamous East London disco eruption, GutterSlut.

“I have waited too fucking long to shake my supermodel ass at The Slut to miss it for that pair”, stated Bruni. She went on to decry the Palace’s decision to hold the two epoch defining events so close together. Bruni is not the only global leader forced to choose The Slut over the royal union. Both Nelson Mandela and Angela Merkel are rumoured to be attending East Bloc instead of Buckingham Palace.

A friend of Mandela’s confided, “I can’t confirm that Madiba will attend but everyone knows he loves Tears for Queers and is a big admirer of everything that’s happened at The Slut”. Merkel could not be reached for comment.

Bruni allegedly hid Biya's diffuser to limit her hair to just 17cm

If Bruni were to attend The Slut, it would further complicate the night of Chantal Biya. Biya, already rumoured to be locked in a millinery death match with Aretha Franklin, has had a long running feud with Bruni ever since the French superstar hid Biya’s diffuser to limit the volume of the Cameroonian First Lady’s hair to a mere in 17cm in this famous photo.

Today Tears for Queers invites you to play Hat or Hair with one of our favourite all time superstar legends, a women who not only owns a potent singing talent but also a range of marinades and hot sauces: the supreme Ms Patti Labelle.

Below we present a series of Patti’s greatest hat/hair mash ups. There is also a video to showcase her phenomenal voice (after the greatest all star gospel build up ever) and a startling example of her unique head-based mix up in all its thrusting pomp. Having reviewed the evidence, please solve th interminable riddle which has baffled scientists and hairdressers for over 25 years: hat or hair?

Hat or Hair? Is the whole dress made of hair?

Hat or Hair live!

So, can you solve the riddle which had even the combined talents of Stephen Hawking and Gok Wan stumped on a recent romantic caribbean mini-break?