Adult Onset Disobedience

It’s four something in the morning and I am sitting in the floor of a concourse at a New York airport waiting on the gates/club to open after having endured a cab ride from hell through the streets of the city at three something. I will connect in the Midwest once before most of you even get up and then be home by 10:30 so I can go sit in my home office and do officey things, which, I guess, could be worse because today there is an early Dodgers game and I will finally have time to go to a real gym.

Anyway, it’s been an interesting week in the fact that I want to just rebel and be a bad boy. I don’t mean that in the sexual sense, though that has its merits and temptations, but it’s like I want to disobey every single rule I have in my life right now including the basic tenets of my upbringing like opening doors for ladies and being a gentleman in elevators. I mean, fuck, they have lady arms that can pull a god damn door and what if there won’t be space for me in said elevator car? Okay, okay, I would never really go that far because it would be, well, un-southern, but right now I am fighting every work rule I have, most of my regular life rules I carry, and if you tell me it’s black this week, I am likely to pick a fight with you about how it’s not really black, not really white, but some sort of gray with a hint of blue just because.

Last night Thumper and I had one of those more and more rare times (caused mostly because in the summer he loses almost all privacy when the fruits of his loins are out of school) where we had plenty of time to just talk while he made his dinner and while I walked down the streets of NYC looking for a new iPhone case (I suddenly hate mine) and for my own sustenance before having to go back to my room to make calls to the other side of the planet (luckily while also watching baseball – a mute button is wonderful isn’t it?). He finally said something akin to “are you doing something else, you just seem so distracted”. I wasn’t. I was as invested in the conversation as I could have been while navigating sidewalks, but I just was not clicking. Axel actually had said the same thing earlier in the day to me as well. I was tired, but that wasn’t me either.

Thumper knows about some of my work issues and the fact that suddenly a few things that I used to rock are now out of my control, so we talked a bit more about that and what my options are, but even that didn’t explain my sudden need to tell everyone to “fuck their rules” and storm off into the sunset like Judd Nelson at the end of the Breakfast Club. I really am a rule follower, always have been, so the fact that I am suddenly not is worrisome.

Another thing we have somewhat discussed here is that Axel and I are about to get hardcore on some of his Dom-ness because we are about to make a large investment in a very custom chastity device (although he is liking the steel and titanium hybrid ones more and more so our airport goal may not be met which is fine by me in many ways because I think the anxiety each time would make me look terrorist like while waiting in line) and because it’s just time because the Steelheart, while wonderful, is just not working for us. This has been coming and we have been flirting with some rules that we are planning to lay out over the weekend and then put into an app to track which, in my world, means it’s real if it’s in the iPhone.

I have been wondering if this impending lack of freedom was causing me to have this sudden onset adult disobedience in that “sowing his oats” way that we have all heard of and, since I have never really sowed my oats ever, maybe now is the time? It’s a strong possibility and I consider it valid because some of the home freedom and control I have is going away (110 percent by my choice) while also some of my work freedom is going away (110 percent NOT my choice) so maybe that’s it (by the way, nothing big at work really, I just have a new COO who is trying to prove himself on the backs of others – it will go away soon – so this is not really a crisis, just a pissing me off thing).

Then, this morning I think it hit me that what may be the issue in that I am out of balance in my switchiness. By that, for the last year I have been able to spend a few days each month with Thumper expressing my Dom side and, at some times, REALLY expressing my Dom side, which has been an excellent exorcism of sorts and almost therapeutic. While this is also more than just sexual, this expression has allowed me to go home and be the sweet innocent husband who looks great in a steel penis trap without many adjustment issues because that part of my brain that likes to be in charge has been sated. However, this time, because of the rabbit flu and the other events we have discussed, I didn’t have that chance to be authoritative, mean, or to even love the way I hurt him because I had to be all caring and junk. I have to wonder if that threw off the my natural rhythm I have become adjusted to which has thus caused my brain to be out of line?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still believe the visit with “Thumper the Temporarily Straight” was really really good because it allowed so many other things to surface that we have discussed, but this is one more step in understanding the switch side of me that I need to know how to handle should it come up again, though I suspect this is more of a combination of events and timing that may never play out in the same way again.

So, I’m up in the sky now and headed home and think I will do a few really dommy things when I get home or maybe even just run up to a strange cute man in the airport and twist his nipples really hard just to see if that “spark” comes back. Of course, if I do that, I’d likely discover more of my sub side in an unfortunate way later today in jail, so maybe I will avoid that altogether.

I also have lady arms. So you just go right ahead and walk in that elevator. There’s still space. 😉

This was actually kinda funny to read, though your frustration comes through loud and clear.

No answers, just a perspective: You are a control freak. (I say that in the *nicest* way.) The bottom line is, when your SOP gets hijacked, whether it’s related to work or otherwise, your gut-level instinct is going to be “Gimme back my control!” The most immediate way to exert control over your circumstances is to make the choices YOU want to make, FUCKYOUALL. And since, when you *are* in control of your universe, you tend to make choices that please other people (you “obey”), it’s only natural that when you want to make those same choices for yourself under a new set of rules, it’s going to feel like disobedience.

And then, of course, because you are such a good boy (even if you DID just race that old lady through the door of Saks), you feel like you are being “bad” and that just aggravates you. I honestly think it has very little to do with being switchy, and very much to do with being controlly. (Yes, that’s a word. I just made it up.)

Now as to the controlly: I realize there is probably a lot you haven’t shared, but I’ll admit I’m confused about how new/different hardware is going to change anything in your D/s dynamic with Axel. Chastity nerdery is all fine and dandy, but whatever is (or is not) happening that you may (or may not) be reacting to on that front likely has more to do with behaviors around Who’s In Control than anything else. Just putting that out there. Working out a balance is a forever process. Even if/when you get the basics down, things will change. Adjusting, fine-tuning, all that jazz, it never stops. So could it be that the control freak in you (again, I say that in the NICEST way) is saying, “Let’s just get this NAILED DOWN ALREADY”?

It’s a thought. 😉

You can always throw a tantrum if it makes you feel better. Just, not at the airport. (Unless you’re really into that whole strip search thing.)

And yes, definitely get a new iPhone case. I mean, what kind of double gold star gay are you if you don’t have one of those glittert unicorn ones? Yeesh.

I realize there is probably a lot you haven’t shared, but I’ll admit I’m confused about how new/different hardware is going to change anything in your D/s dynamic with Axel. Chastity nerdery is all fine and dandy, but whatever is (or is not) happening that you may (or may not) be reacting to on that front likely has more to do with behaviors around Who’s In Control than anything else.

Couldn’t agree more. The Steelheart was going to do the trick, but didn’t. A Steelwerks device will do the trick, but will it? I don’t know. He’s been through a lot of devices and none of them have worked for whatever reason. I’ll also freely admit I have a difficult time crossing the line and talking too much about this with Drew. It’s an emotional equivalent of trying to press the positive polarities of two magnets together. I simply can’t engage with him both as a Dom and a sub in the same conversation. *He* can switch, but I can’t switch him in my head. It’s kept me from being able to say to him some of the things I’m writing here. This is, of course, entirely my issue and not his.

As I said, I agree with you here totally. Besides any unresolved behavioral/relationship/dynamic issues (none of which am I privy to, BTW) or perhaps wanting the *idea* of chastity more than the reality for whatever reason (he’s really into the shiny baubles with ceramic knobs), Drew’s lifestyle is really poorly suited to the long-term enforced dynamic. Possible, but such a bigger hassle. And, IMO, until Axel really puts his foot down about it, I don’t know that it’ll ever reach critical mass. Not that he’s against the idea or anything. But is he *invested* enough in being a keyholder? I don’t know him and have never talked to him so I don’t know. Just posing the question.

Not trying to be Debbie Downer because I think in general Drew’s got it pretty good (current work nonsense aside). But just learning Microsft Project doesn’t make you a project manager, driving a BMW doesn’t make you a German, and having a kick-ass chastity device doesn’t necessarily make you into a couple that can use/needs one. Least not the way Belle and I use it. There’s lots of ways, of course…

Ceramic knobs? Just because my truck came with the ceramic knob option (which, btw, are lovely) I will never live that down.

To address Mrs. Fever – I love “controlly” and I think you are very right about that and your point of view on that does help me with the thought process because, you nailed me with the SOP way I like to live my live. If you fuck with my plans I am all out of balance for awhile. Thumper is going to be out of town for a whole week next week and, while that means little in my day to day life because I don’t see him anyway, I’ll miss him and our SOP, whatever it is. Make sense? I was like that when Axel used to teach school and would suddenly be home in the summer. It threw me off balance until I adjusted. That said, it’s odd that my regular day to day life has zero consistency and I am just fine with that. Go figure.

Anyway, Thumper, I know you had to stretch to even think about this side of me and I vastly appreciate that. In all honesty I feel as weird talking to you about the sub stuff too, but, as we have mentioned, there are times when I need you for that so we adjust and that is something I am very proud that we, a twosome that fucks, can stop and do that when needed. Regarding the unresolved relationship issues I have not shared that because I know you can’t hear it and, in all honesty, they are so minor they are only important to me and Axel. Of course, you are right about it’s time Axel puts his foot down, but that is where we are going with this as well and I will share that in due time blog wise and likely with you in other ways.

Finally, the device itself. I didn’t phrase that right in the post because I am not expecting anything more BECAUSE of that device. It just marks a change in Axel. I know that the piece is not going to change a single fucking thing except for the fact that since Axel is paying for it, he is likely to pay more attention to whether it’s on :).

Seriously, he and I have zero intentions of having a lifestyle like Thumper and Belle, it’s just not practical for my life and not how my mind works. Also, as Thumper will attest, I am not one that is all about the orgasm, so for us it is more a way of playing together, setting a scene, having some boundaries, etc. Who knows, it may evolve into more especially if I change jobs one day, but for right now it’s just an evolving game. That didn’t address the device really and that is simply Axel wants me to have something comfortable, something quality, and something he picked out but something my boyfriend, the chaste God in his mind, approves of in concept. While he’s never said out loud before, I think he would prefer that Thumper and I not have the exact same device. Plus, my Steelheart is big and that wigs him out a bit because of the width. He 110% wants Thumper to go with me to design it and share that experience with me (because he is so not into that part) but, for him, this is his wedding ring to me which he never got to buy before and the whole process of us looking at designs now is exciting to him. I guarantee most people have jewelry more expensive than this, so this is what it is and we are lucky that we can do this too. Plus, I can’t wait to experience the process and have the product of that. It’s an odd mixture of a shared experience between me, my husband and boyfriend all boiling down into one device. Pretty cool really.

I’ll sort out the controlly things soon. In fact, the work things that wig me out I actually already have done, so I am worried for nothing. It’s just me and one of the by products of living life in a hotel room in your own thoughts a great deal of time.

Drew, get over it. Either you are a Dom or you are a sub there really is no in between. To be frank, if you think it has anything to do with Thumper not wanting to have sex with you last time then you are a fool. From the tone of his comment, I would not be shocked if you two never have sex again because of your whining about missing being a sub. A real Dom would never show weakness to his sub, much less allow it In pubic so don’t be surprised if he can never see you as a Dom again, which it doesn’t sound like you really are.

Allow yourselve to learn these things and one day you will be a great sub, but not before.

I SO agree with Mrs Fever about the ‘controlly’ thing. I can totally relate.

I get antsy when things (especially things that are my SOP, things that are familiar and comfortable) are suddenly out of my control. I hate it. It make me feel adrift.

I think for people like us, if we can’t pull ‘that thing’ back, our next instinct is to grab control back *somewhere else* to feel that solid anchor.

And like Mrs Fever said: for you that might feel like disobedience.

I’m curious whether a really short leash from Axel would work for you in this kind of circumstance. I suspect you would rebel against it, but if you got it, the comfort of being tightly UNDER control might help to curtail that feeling. Maybe worth a chat with Axel?

I am a former dominant (at least for now). I absolutely hate when things are different. As a project manager by trade, that is a very odd admission. Professionally I am a force of change, privately I like things to be the same and stable. Our chastity isn’t like Thumper and Belle’s either. Ours is yet another flavor.

The question of control in my opinion is one of trust. Do I need control or do I need to trust Mrs. Lion completely. Personal changes can be uncomfortable, but they can be safe if instituted by my best friend, lover, and keyholder. From my recent experience, losing control isn’t as bad as I thought. I just had to let go and trust Mrs. Lion.

@DomSam, I hope that you’re not saying that there is no such thing as a switch. If you are, it would mean that I don’t exist, that what I do and have done doesn’t and didn’t really happen, that I and my lovers and play partners aren’t truly into it. It would mean that decades of moans and bites and orgasms and bruises and kisses didn’t really happen, that they were only faked.

I delight in ravaging a man when I top. If he likes pain, I love hurting him. I love giving myself over when I bottom to a top. I’m not undecided. I’ve been this way since I was a little kid and got all wiggly watching the maiden on tv being tied to the tree and left there when the Indians were coming over the rise. I wanted to be the maiden and the Indians.

The notion that a dom is always a dom and never shows a soft side, is never out of sorts, is always in control and always strong is pure crap. If he or she were, it could only be acting and not showing himself or herself as a real person. Real, healthy people aren’t one-dimensional. They have a range of emotions and moods, they’re aware of them, and they are strong enough to show them to the people they choose. Real courage is showing up, showing your cards up. All up.