(Closed) To speak up (again) or not… coping advice needed.

Thanks to everyone who wrote nice things. It’s definitely not easy to put yourself out here online. For those interested, we’re both in our 30’s and I’m two years older. The reason I’m upset is because last year when we spoke (summer 2016) he said he did want to get married and we spoke of our fears. When I was upset around Christmas he said he was planning to propose close to December of 2017. I said that was too long and we agreed on summer. The reason I’m doubtful now is because like then, he hasn’t done much to move the momentum. We picked out rings because I suggested it not because he planned it. These are hard to face moments when you feel the person who you’ve committed yourself too hasn’t shown their committed. I hear my feminist sisters on why don’t I propose. I think for this fact exactly. He loves me and if I proposed he would say yes, but give him the chance to ask and it’s like talking to a wall. I agree with the general sentiment that if a man wants to do something he will. I’ve seen men who say they’ve never do this or that step up for the right person and time in their life. I am pulling away and I don’t have the heart to leave. I don’t want to waste any more baby making days with someone who isn’t going to show up. Thank you for those who validated me and my situation. I’m grateful to have such kind words. It helps knowing your not alone out there.

He told you he would propose in 2017 and it is March. I think you can give him a bit of time before you start with the pressure and doubting him. It’s not like he said “yeah, definitely this year, babe” two years ago.

I totally get why you are feeling the way you are and I think a lot of the previous posters have been really harsh. It is really hard to know what you want and be 100% committed and not have the same thing reciprocated.

I think that its really important to be on the same page about this and I don’t think that discussing it with him is nagging or pressurising him. This is your future and you 100% should have a say in your own future. The last thing that you need is to wait around for somebody who actually doesn’t want the future you’re imagining.

If in your last chat he made it clear that he is going to propose then I would wait until the end of summer, but then I would leave if the proposal hadn’t come by then. Until then I’d just try and focus on other things. However, if he sounded uncertain or doubtful at your last chat then I would walk now. Three years in your 30s in long enough for him to know what he wants.

It’s totally fine that you asked to go ring shopping and are taking the lead on this, in my opinion – especially after his emotional reaction he had recently. I asked my now husband to go ring shopping, I told him plainly I wanted to be engaged by “X” date and hinted often (nicely/flirting – not nagging – even going over the timeline here and there.. “So engaged __, married __, try for babies __.. on board right?” And he’d say yes). You’re apart of this decision too.

As I said before give him until the end of September before you leave, but being your 30s? Yes, leave if he won’t propose.

Knowing you’re in your 30s does change things somewhat. Bee, set a deadline, and be ready to walk. Sometimes men need help, that doesn’t always mean they’re not interested, sometimes it just means it isn’t a high priority to them, or they’re nervous. Some people also just aren’t planners. Take control of your life, and know where your line is. Don’t let him move that.

So pretty much you’re allowing other relationships via social media influence your own. That’s not healthy nor is it fair to him. He already told you it’d be in 2017. Then that wasn’t good enough so he moved it up to this summer. It’s literally the beginning of spring, calm down. If you’re willing to let a couple months wait justify resentment on your end, cut him loose because that’s just immature to the extreme.

OK, you have received a lot of advice here and you probably have a lot to think about. Please, please try and relax. Relax! Take a step back and stop pressuring him. Oh, and stop comparing your relationship to others. All relationships have different dynamics.

You have a voice and need to make a decision for YOU. TBH, I think it is time for you to move on. Set a walk date, tell him what your date is, and if he has not proposed by then be prepared to follow thrrough and leave.

anatheanalyst : A grown ass man knows damn well after 3 years of dating and two of those living together if he wants to get married. OP is right to be concerned that he won’t ever commit because either he doesn’t want to be married at all or he doesn’t want to be married to her based on his actions–either way it’s problematic. Adult men in their 30s don’t need to be nagged into proposing or any “help” when they want a life together with their partner. This trend of legitimizing men in their 30s and 40s waiting to propose for years and years is utter bullshit. To the women who enjoy the emotional anguish of waiting indefinitely or don’t want to be married those relationships are great, but that’s not what OP is after.

bubblegumengagement : Calm down Bee. You haven’t even been together for three years!!! I was with my now husband for 8 before we get married. You are raising the bar too high and putting pressure on your relationship for no reason. Proposals don’t come with a timebomb!!

bubblegumengagement : omg you and are the same basically. my Fiance also told me the same kind of thing, “2016 will be the year we get engaged” and we rang in 2017 without a ring on my finger. There were a couple of times that I lost it, like when couples that had been together for way less time than us hit a big milestone, but when it was actually a friend (like my MOH) we both were genuinely excited. I sat him down and explained that it wasn’t the fact he hadn’t proposed it was the fact that he got my hopes up and I just felt let down. He promised it was soon, he started asking me to email him ring pics and at that point I just shut up and waited. He popped the question 1-21-17, right after a show that we had tickets for since november, so maybe your boyfriend has the same mentality and is waiting for a specific day? My advice is to be patient, it will happen when it’s meant to happen and you don’t want to be engaged and then wonder if it’s because you pushed him or because he was ready, excited and took the time to plan out something thoughtful. At the very least you don’t want to push him so hard that he just gives away the surprise. And trust me, I did NOT think my Fiance was capable of surprising me (we both get too excited and give it away), but he did, along with both of our families and two of my best friends.

I think you have a right to be upset, in the sense that you want something so badly right this second and you don’t have it. However, listen to PP’s and hear me out real quick too:

-Turn the tables; he’s hesitant at the idea of marriage due to childhood trauma with divorce. He knows you want to get married and has assured you that he plans to propose. He gives you a timeline (Dec. 2017) which you say is too late–why? will he love you less 9 months from now? feel free to explain more–and so he says he’ll propose by summer. It’s MARCH and you’re still having an emotional breakdown every time another couple gets engaged. Guess what? You want him to respect your wishes so badly that you’re being very disrespectful of his. He already moved his timeline up by 6 months for you and has done nothing but reassure you. You, in turn, have cried a lot and made yourself believe you’re not loved enough to be engaged?

-Stop putting an expiration date on your ring finger, and stop measuring yourself with other couples’ yardsticks. Listen, there are only 2 people in your relationship–you and him. It is 100% irrelevant AF if anyone else gets married, has 20 kids, finds a unicorn, etc. in relation to you two getting engaged. You can be just as married a year from now as you can an hour from now. You will be loved just the same. Marriage is just a social construct. Let it go.

-You say he’s not doing anything but how do you know that? You’re demanding he drastically alter his timeline and he did (I think that counts as doing something), you went ring shopping which you say doesn’t mean anything because you suggested it but he might have already been looking at rings before you mentioned shopping. Maybe that was his chance to get a better idea for your style. Or maybe he was planning to pick something out on his own and you suggested going out together. It doesn’t matter. Let the man have some room to plan this thing, damn.

Look, I’m not saying it’s not frustrating to feel like everyone else is getting engaged and you’re not. But if the tables were turned and you posted that “my boyfriend keeps pressuring me to get engaged and I love him but I’m just not ready yet,” welllllllllll everyone on here would tell you that you should take your time and be sure, that marriage is a big deal and not to be rushed into, and that he shouldn’t pressure you. Take that same advice. Chill. You’ve voiced your desires clearly to him and he hears you, and has given you a timeline (twice). Let the timeline play out before you start freaking out over it.

If you can’t try to come to some type of middle ground now, what will you do if you decide to have children? If you want kids immediately and he wants to be married for 2 years first, are you going to decide that you’re not loved enough for him to make you a mom? I hope not.

Here’s your problem: You’re judging your own relationship and its worth by how your friends’ relationships are going. You’re letting yourself be sucked into the consumerist mindset, and the herd mentality. So your friends had fancy engagements and announcements and rings. This is YOUR life. Just enjoy the time you have with him now. Hell, the way I see it, if you two have already talked about getting married, and if you both agree that you want to, and if he’s already TOLD you that he’s going to propose, then guess what? YOU’RE ALREADY ENGAGED! I don’t understand this mentality of “If I don’t have a ring, it’s not official!” I never got a “proper” engagement OR a ring, and we’ve been together nearly 10 years now! Our relationship has outlasted those of many of my friends who did have “proper” proposals and rings and engagement parties. They gushed about it, they pitied me because I lacked the shiny rocks they had, and then a few years later they came to me crying because their shallow marriages dissolved.

I see so many young women crying and moping because they’re afraid they’ll never be engaged, even when they know that an engagement is forthcoming. I even see people who already have the damn ring, but are STILL moaning about not being actually engaged just because he didn’t get down on one knee, or he didn’t do it in public, or some such BS like that. You love each other. You want to be together. You don’t need a freaking expensive piece of rock to prove it, and if you do then maybe your relationship isn’t as strong as you think it is. Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, but know that you are wasting a good part of your life being miserable over nothing.

Hi bee, I’m really sorry you are going through this. I can totally relate and my heart goes out to you. I am of the mindset that if you are feeling something, you are feeling it for a reason.

You say you feel yourself pulling away and the resentment growing. If he proposed right now, right this second, how would you feel? Would the resentment go away? Or would you still feel bitter? If it is the latter, then I think perhaps there are other areas of your relationship where you are hurting. And I suggest you reflect on what they are and why this is.If it’s the former, then wait until this summer and then walk if he doesn’t meet his timeline.

bubblegumengagement : I can absolutely relate to you. My SO and I have been together for 12 years and have had a solid relationship, dated since high school and lived together for 6 years. We’ve been talking about waiting to get married until our careers were settled and we have solid careers.

Since our anniversary a few months ago, I broke and told him how frustrated I was about him not being as excited to get married to me and I’m the only one who brings it up. His reasons were that our relationship wouldnt be much different if we got married because he loves me regardless.

Im frustrated because I want our family and friends to be all together to witness/celebrate our long lasting love and relationship. We finally went to look at rings and he had no idea about anything (what to look for or ask the jewler about). I was so mad because he researches everything before he buys it.. except this?

Anyway, he asked me to step away while he spoke to the jewler and he purchased the ring that I picked out and we picked our wedding bands. This was 2 months ago. I know he hasnt picked up the ring because the store is 20 miles away and he hasnt used the car without me.

Anyway, Im in the same boat- he doesnt seem excited though he says we will be married this year. He has no idea about weddings and I dont think he’s thought about picking up the ring/proposing.

Yes its the social media but it makes us think about why our relationships/ SO’s arent as excited..