Bowling alleys across the United States are closing at unprecedented rates, and here’s why: “They’re populated by aging whores, fools and ignoramuses.”

While the civilized world was watching Barack Obama’s acceptance speech last night, I agreed to go bowling with some friends in Cambridge. I figured I could watch it afterwards on YouTube, or maybe this particular bowling alley would disprove my prejudice and air the final donkey walk so that heads could roll with soul.

No such luck. I knew within seconds of approaching the Neanderthal behind the counter that, including the two people with me, there were a total of three out of more than a hundred folks on hand who knew about the DNC, or, better yet, who knew the difference between Democrats and Republicans, or, even better yet, who could count.

At one point – for maybe five minutes – every television in the place had Obama’s half time show on (before the speech, during the photo montage intro), but they all switched back to some pre-season football game between two random teams. The scary thing is that I don’t think it was some knee-jerk racist instinct to change channels; I just think pre-season football is more important to these people than this or any other political moment.

And who were these people? They were dingy old men who wear ill-fitting hats that they got for free at street fairs. They were scumbag North Shore teens in giant white t-shirts sniffing pills in the bathroom, and expired sluts with wrinkly heart tattoos slipping between their drooping cannons. My favorite guy was a greasy Muppet of a man in checkered bowling pants who, while stuffing his bag and ball in a locker, looked as if he was fucking the cubby hole.

I watched Obama’s speech when I got home, and it was quite good. But I have some advice for his campaign: I know that having your kick-off in a football stadium was an attempt to connect with working class boobs who tend to support John McCain, or any non-black candidate, for that matter, in polls. It makes sense; after all, a lot of football fans are idiots. But if you really want to find the lowest social denominator, then your best bet is to finesse that stroke and hit these bowling alleys before they all go out of business.

Criticism stems from Kidz Bop’s covering of songs that insinuate sex, drugs and hip-hop, subjects considered by some to be unsuitable for the young. Examples include Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” covered on Kidz Bop Crunk and Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” covered on Kidz Bop Divas.

Most Americans remember Oct. 9 2001 as the day the original Kidz Bop hit shelves, selling out in milli-seconds. The chart topping success spawned several copycats including Priestz Bop, Dudez Bop and most notably Thugz Bop.

12 unforgettable Kidz Bop CDs followed, making stars of children who would later grow up to have serious issues.

Late last year, Nas announced that his new album would be called a certain racial expletive, prompting howls of protest from Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the NAACP. Almost simultaneously, Kidz Bop spokesperson Rags Whimple announced hip hop quintet The Shop Boy’s “Party Like A Rockstar” would be covered on Kidz Bop 13, which was edited to feature no swearing.

Though parents were outraged, children across the world protested their rights to express themselves through the unforgettable street anthem.

The song survived the cut and the franchise thrived until questions about Kidz Bop 14 began surfacing. In March, Bop Executives announced Lil Wayne’s Lollipop made it to the upcoming release.

In a press statement released strictly to JTTS, Kidz Bop Co-Founder, Bartholomew Wigglesworth III said, “I don’t know what this fuss is all about. There’s no music for kids who’ve outgrown Elmo. Just do you and let me do me. Wait who are you people again?”

Although the albums are initially sold through direct mail-order prior to their retail availability, they are eventually sold in retail stores. As of now the future of Kidz Bop remains uncertain.

Ok, so most of you should know who Ryan Leslie is, even if you don’t know the name you know his work because he produced Cassie’s “Me & U”, which was one of those ubiquitous singles that makes you want to murder whoever created it… Ryan Leslie. Well, he has a youtube channel where he posts videos of himself flaunting his lifestyle and musical skills. Check this one out, skip to the :20 mark and the 3:00 mark to witness the ridiculous nonsense that Ryan Leslie embodies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd4h8xSKpCg

So, in this selection Ryan decides to show the viewers that he possesses an American Express Black Card, and apparently was incredibly skinny at one point because he now feels the need to show his emo-sized arms, or has no A/C in his apartment and needs to roll up his sleeves because he is really hot. That’s fine, I guess your fans care about things like that, but don’t name the video “Ryan Leslie Makes I Get Money” and then show almost zero aspects of the creative process in order to save screen time for dancing around and zooming in on your credit card; this kind of pretense upsets me, I love watching 30 minute videos of Pharrell finding drum sounds, it’s not healthy. Maybe Ryan feels like he can outsmart everyone because he got a perfect score on his SATs and graduated from Harvard at 19 (both amazing achievements), but some people notice these things. If I posted a video of me shaving a great dane and then painting it like zebra but called it “Dan makes lemonade“, some people might be confused, which is why most people attach titles to youtube videos that accurately describe the most highlighted aspects of the video; Ryan Leslie doesn’t live by these rules, he is a renegade in the overcrowded chat rooms of amateur auteurs. Check out this video entitled “Ryan Leslie makes Addiction“, I suggest watching it in its entirety because it is just that remarkable. Pay attention to the 1:30 mark when he finishes a little synth pass and then walks away from the keyboard like he just finished a 40 yard dash, really guy? Producing these heat rocks just takes that much out of him. Also notice the pointing and ever-present sunglasses, and see if you can spot the retarded Methodman and Redman Rockwilder dance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ix5dicdL7c

He also shouts out the haters, I guess that’s me, but in this case it’s necessary. Whatever, we all have humble roots…

I was reading an interview with GZA and came across this question/response, which is frequently heard from respected MCs:

How do you feel about hip-hop today?

I don’t really listen to a lot of stuff. I might hear it if I have the television on or if I’m listening to the radio and something comes on in the car or what other people are playing in the streets, that’s how I hear it.

And do you like any of it?

The majority of it? No. Every once in a while ill hear something that’s catchy.

Are there any new MC’s that you check for?

Nah, nah, nothing really grabs my attention but hip-hop is like that. It’s changing, it’s forever changing. Its music that started in the streets, in the basements, something that was a hobby and we’re the biggest selling music to this day. It’s the only music that’s recorded in almost every languge. There’s no other music like that.

This is coming from the GZA, the GENIUS, so I do respect his opinion. I also completley understand his feelings. I’ve learned through personal experience just writing about hip-hop that when you choose to immerse yourself in the music/culture, being exposed to all aspects of it can affect the way you feel about it as a fan. If I have to review the new Jibbs CD or sit through a wack ass concert with 50 dudes onstage, afterwards I need to get away from hip-hop for a bit until I hear something that reminds me why I love this music.

That being said, I don’t know how I feel about rappers when they say stuff like this. If you asked Lebron James if he watches other games and follows other players, you wouldn’t believe it if he told you he didn’t. If Barack Obama admitted that politics didn’t really interest him unless some issue sparked his mild interest (basically the equivalent of a catchy song GZA might hear), you wouldn’t respect him as a serious politician. A good writer reads other writers, a musician listens to other composers, etc. When GZA, one of the top MCs in a crew already stocked with ’em, admits he doesn’t have any more than a passing interest in hip-hop outside of his own music, it’s an admission of being out of touch with something I’m sure in his heart he takes very seriously. Maybe it’s good in a sense that GZA isn’t influenced to change his style by current trends, but it’s also not good (in my opinion) to be a rapper with no concept of what’s going on in hip-hop today.

It’s not even to say the GZA or other MCs with similar feelings have to listen to the radio or be able to name their current favorite MC, but you’d like to hear artists of his stature keeping an ear to the streets. What do y’all think about GZA and other MCs when you hear this?

While the rest of the creatively inclined world was endorsing Ralph Nader and Barack Obama this week, useless reggaeton star Daddy Yankee threw his manicured mane behind that John McCain cadaver. Now I’m not backing anyone for president; though I support Nader, his candidacy is more of a joke than ever, and while Obama’s hollow promises tear me up, I would like to see his inexperienced ass become president just to watch his naïve supporters cringe when he proves to be another Beltway partisan who can’t accomplish a fraction of the feats he stumped about on the campaign trail.

Back to that no-talent pretty boy hack Daddy Yankee, who’s following an ignorant Latino tradition of voting Republican despite the party’s hardly looking out for minority interests. On the real – anyone who votes for McCain – who looks like Dan Aykroyd in Nothing But Trouble, by the way – because he’s backed by this guy deserves to lose their house in foreclosure while their children starve. Before this it didn’t matter who becomes president – obviously we’re all still screwed regardless – but now it kind of does. Hip-hop is behind Obama. Reggaeton has McCain’s back. And we’ll beat you tasteless dance-happy fools into the ground every single time. Fuck reggaeton and fuck John McCain. The New York Yankees aren’t so bad. Daddy Yankee sucks!

“I’ll never have dinner with the president! I’ll never have dinner with the President?”–Ice Cube, No Vaseline

Here at JTTS, we enjoy a good shit-show, big or small. That’s why we are a bit pissed our all-access press passes to the Democratic National Convention in Denver seem to have been either lost in the mail or in some cases sold to the highest bidding, most doe-eyed Obamaniac at one of Boston’s many fine liberal colleges and universities. Participating in our nation’s democratic process may be important, but its a whole other thing when you got cold hard cash in your hand and a ride to AJ Wright. Enough said.

But that doesn’t mean that once I’m chilling in my Scarface slippers I all of a sudden forget about politics. I tuned in to the show last night and caught a bit of Ted Kennedy’s speech (impressive, he old yo) and Michelle Obama’s (impressive, she FINE yo). In the meantime, there’s lots of shiny things and happy music to fill in the gaps. As expected, some of the biggest name performers will be hip hop artists; N.E.R.D. will jam, and Kanye West will undoubtedly upstage Obama with some “never give up your dreams” spiel at the end of his 3 hour laser-light show set.

But that got me thinking–what about the Republicans? Surely the GOP would like to dabble in some inoffensive “hip hop-related” fare to get the blood flowing in their throng of zealous, balls-on-the-truck supporters during their convention next week. They’ve got the usual chest-thumping, flag-waving ass turds on the roster (Kid Rock, anyone who’s been involved in a Ford Truck commercial), but where are the rappers? No matter that John McCain is older than Kool Herc‘s Jamaican great-grandparents–the GOP needs to get these young whipper-snappers involved with some hippin’ and hoppin’.

So in doing some research, I came across a blog called hiphoprepublican.com. This site is devoted to the mythical, mysterious minority group that supports both Dubya and WC, bombin’ and Common: the hip hop republican. Who are these people and how do they operate? How can you tell if you are in the presence of a hip hop republican? How will they affect the upcoming presidential election? Here’s a few traits they might exhibit:

– A hip hop republican believes that “extreme” methods of interrogation and incarceration without trial in places like Guantanamo Bay are necessary to win the war against terror. But instead of zapping your balls, they would employ more vicious methods like playing the entire No Limit catalogue from beginning to end. “Oh you thought MP Da Don was just one disc huh? Huh? It’s not over bitch!” (Eds. note–JTTS does not condone the use of torture or the irresponsible use of Master P‘s MP Da Don album in a civilian setting.)

– A hip hop republican is pro-life. He/she would use the widows of ODB and Eazy-E as examples of how having a kid gives mothers an economic stake in the considerable wealth left behind when a rapper dies.

– A hip hop republican is tough on aggressive foreign powers. They would organize events with names like “I Declare War” and expose pictures of Kim Jung-Il and Chris Faraone–er, that Iranian president guy–as kids in ballerina outfits on a Jumbotron. Lesser rivals would be taunted with claims of “You Mad!”

– A hip hop republican believes we need to get tough on immigration policies. That means blaming South Park Mexican for stealing all our good jobs.

– A hip hop republican may look like Deon from “I Want to Work for Diddy.”

– A hip hop republican believes that we shouldn’t “cut and run” from Iraq despite all the evidence that seems to be screaming “CUT AND RUN MOTHERFUCKER!!!” (in Arabic). His solution: Ghostface Killah (“send me to Iraq I come back with don heat/Teeth, less than a week they be callin’ me Chief of Defense, cause I sure do cook when it’s beef”)

– A hip hop republican takes care of his friends, black sheep siblings and less-talented buddies from back in the day who didn’t make it. See: Peanut Butter Wolf, Nas, 50 Cent, Diplomats, Dave Mays…

– A hip hop republican would employ questionable tactics to make sure their rival was defeated. See: guy who jacked Young Berg for his chain.

In conclusion, the hip hop republican may not be as rare as originally believed. They walk amongst us almost invisibly, only making their presence known when comfortably surrounded by rednecks and placated senior citizens. But don’t be scared–just because you may not agree with them doesn’t make hip hop Republicans bad people. In this critical time of our nation’s history, we need to move forward as a group, and if that means a couple Transformers chains gotta be snatched up, then hey, God Bless America.

Dude has already been a big part of two sick albums (Fat Ray/BM‘s The Set Up and Elzhi‘s Preface) and the better part of a so-so LP (Guilty Simpson) so far this year. Looking forward to this, plus his next collabo joint with Sean Price and Guilty.

Oh.. uh 88 Keys feat. Kanye West – A song heavily referencing Viagra – and I’ll try to save you from further cheesy ED jokes. Shit ain’t no joke. I know. I got a sample pack once my dudes. Shit ain’t NO JOKE!!!

For instance – I’ve made sure all of my pictures are EXACTLY 483 pixels in width – which is the default image “re-size” for this WordPress Theme. When other JTTS bloggers post any pictures smaller than this width — say for instance The Dance’s blue crayon the other day (which I subsequently resized to a perfect 483 x 483) – for some reason my aesthetic hormones within the darkest recesses of my weblog loins ache with a the furor of a thousand atom bombs .

The Dance has made no secret that he hated the “gay” borders I added to his images. And try as I might to not interfere.. sometimes I can’t help myself.

“All picz must b 483” – my insane, mantra.

For instance – CF’s Game post below – I switched out the image because he was using the WordPress’s auto-re-size option. The picture was actually 700 pixels in width, causing computers with slow memory or poor graphics cards to struggle in loading it.

I literally downloaded the image, resized it to 483 and re-uploaded it. It looks exactly the same to almost everyone, let’s say 90% of the people that read this.. Why would I do this? (I can promise 100% of you don’t care).

I’ve made it no secret that I have this complex, which I can only assume my fellow bloggers rightfully mock me about behind my sweaty and broken back. They’ve all asked for me to teach them photoshop — which I applaud. It’s the same as someone installing a handicapped entrance to your house when your relative gets in a horrific car crash and is confined to a wheelchair. I have a severe image-size disability.

And unfortunately there is no conclusion to this post. This isn’t any sort of meltdown, It’s not meant to be a passive aggressive swipe at the other bloggers, it’s mainly meant to allow people to realize that I have severe mental issues and a hang-up on web imaging.

Okay – this post is terrible. And I offer no apologies, but I will hopefully redeem it below: