30 May 2012

NEW YORK CITY -- Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s latest salvo in the war on obesity has many New Yorkers up in armpits. That’s because a new regulation from the city’s Board of Health will require delis, restaurants, and food carts to sell 16 oz. servings of Ban Soda.

Long used as an underarm deodorant, Ban Soda has yet to gain a secure foothold in the competitive soft-drink industry. “Say what you will about the taste,” Mayor Bloomberg told reporters, “it’s very low in sugar, and I’ve never seen anybody drink more than a few sips of one. That’s why the problem of over-consumption here in New York stops today.”

The Mayor’s private studies suggest that drinkingsugary soft drinks also may stunt the growth.

In response to complaints from the New York City Beverage Association, which claims that city health administrators and the mayor’s office unfairly single out soda, Bloomberg urged New Yorkers to protect the soft-drink industry by finding alternative uses for soda.

“Back in the day, we used Coca-Cola as a personal feminine hygiene product,” Bloomberg said. “You could do that again today. Of course, the ants might get to be a problem, but I understand that a lot of people like the feeling.

“And there’s no chance of obesity: you could feel free to use as much as you like,” the Mayor said. “Personally, I’m a supersize douche.”