We need to ask ourselves where our paranoia comes from. We need to confront out prejudices. We need to make sure that our own fears don't translate directly into the deaths of others. We need to make sure that not all of our headlines come from instances of selfishness and stupidity. And we need to learn how to decide when something is broken so that we can fix it.

Yesterday I was on a train in NYC. Three teenaged black males got on together. One of them stood out in particular. His T-Shirt was pulled up & laced through his backpack straps exposing his abs - not so bad on a hot day. But his shorts were sagged so low they literally were balanced on his pubic bone, displaying his underwear for all the world to see. His loud contribution to the conversation with his friends contained more N-words than the combined works of Paula Deen and Richard Pryor. As he stood directly in front of me, hanging on to the luggage rack, he made no attempt to keep his Sesame Street waistband clad pelvis out of my face. When the jolting of the train caused him to make physical contact with me, I lost it. I gently but deliberately pushed him off of me. He flipped, started posturing gangsta style, saying "don't touch me..." I managed to remain calm, I stated "I was simply getting you off of me." I have been told that when I am angry I look very scary. His friend looked from me to him and told him "Stop, just stop." He did. When my stop came I said "Excuse me" and stood up, nearly a head taller than the little brat, he actually backed up quickly enough to trip a little.

I found it hard not to see that kid as a thug, his general disrespect for an obvious elder, his dress, showing his ass so the world can kiss it - isn't that what sagged pants are about, his conversation peppered with terms I would be vilified for using...

But he was really a cute kid, he had Sesame Street underwear for Chrissakes, he almost fell down when he realized the white lady was bigger than he was...

Is this even fixable???

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It doesn't make sense to let go of something you've had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.

I'm assuming that by 'this', you are referring to the tendency of people to profile? No, I don't think it is fixable. We routinely make judgements based on appearance in order to avoid anything from inconvenience to real danger. If one is shopping, and one sees two lines of unequal length at the checkout, we will usually pick the shorter line (sometimes only discover we've made the wrong choice). It is an imperfect tool, but sometimes it's the only one we have. We want something to allow us to determine the better option for avoiding difficulties.

When authorities profile, sometimes even taking aggressive action as a result, it becomes an issue of concern. (Middle Eastern people are delayed and searched at airports, black teens in hoodies are shot etc). Ostensibly, the authorities do this to protect the passengers or the neighborhood, but I see it as treating people as guilty until proved otherwise, and even administering sentencing. I'm against it.

When we use profiling for our own behalf, we try to insure our own safety, and rarely take aggressive action (avoid probable traffic jams, walk on the other side of the street when we see sketchy individuals etc) I'm generally 'for' this.

What may be only tangentially worth mentioning is how I personally prevent bad experiences with individuals from becoming the basis for prejudice. For every thief/crook/con-man/cheat or what have you, there are almost countless people who look just like him/her who are not thieves/crooks etc.

By some sort of profiling. As I said, when one does it for one's own safety, I don't see anything wrong with it, since one is taking a non-aggressive action to best insure one's own safety.

Interestingly, In this sort of situation, I do not cross to the other side of the street. Doing so seems to me to be insulting, and perhaps opens the way for even a non-violent person to behave more aggressively because of the insult. However, I cannot blame a fearful individual from choosing what they may see as a safer option.

How many young people can speak right, let alone debate anymore? My own niece (who is white) portrays herself like the poster child for Walmart. Kids need to wake up and act intelligent and dignified. A friend of my posted the following on Facebook after the Zimmerman Verdict. I agree with a lot of the sentiment. Except the praying. I'm off prayer & religion. Due to my problems lately I've decided I prefer no god at all than one who ignores/tortures me.

"TODAY I WAS IN MY CAR AND I SAW 3 YOUNG MEN WALKING AND ALL OF THEM HAD THEIR PANTS DAMN NEAR TO THEIR KNEE CAPS. ONE PULLED DOWN WORSE THAN THE NEXT. I LOOKED AT THEM WITH DISGUST AND THEY GAVE ME THE "WTF U LOOKIN AT" LOOK BACK. WHEN WILL THEY UNDERSTAND THEY COULD BE THE NEXT TRAYVON MARTIN? I'M BLACK AND I LOOK AT THEM THAT WAY, HOW WILL ANYONE ELSE VIEW THEM? THESE ARE OUR SONS OUT THERE. EVERY PULLED DOWN PAIR OF PANTS REPRESENT PULLED DOWN DIGNITY. IT TAKES A VILLAGE, IN OUR CASE, IT TAKES A NATION. LET US KEEP OUR CHILDREN IN PRAYER. GOD BLESS!! ?#?PULLUPYOURDIGNITY?"

From another thread. Kids just don't act right.

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It doesn't make sense to let go of something you've had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.

I had to really restrain myself from verbally assaulting that kid. From screaming at him to pull his damn pants up. From asking him if he had seen the news lately and did he really think it was wise to act like a thug and get in the face of a potentially armed whitey. Had he ever even watched the news, or read the newspaper, or a book for that matter. Why was it OK for him to say nigger 27 times in the span of 2 minutes but if I said it once I would be labelled as a racist. I felt like I had also been profiled or perhaps just dismissed. I was just a harmless, middle aged white lady in a dress in front of whom he could speak and act any way he pleased. He didn't even know that I possess training with which I don't even need a gun to kill his disrespectful little ass.

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It doesn't make sense to let go of something you've had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.

I had to really restrain myself from verbally assaulting that kid. From screaming at him to pull his damn pants up. From asking him if he had seen the news lately and did he really think it was wise to act like a thug and get in the face of a potentially armed whitey. Had he ever even watched the news, or read the newspaper, or a book for that matter.

Saggy trousers annoy me no end. But I don't agree with this part of your post. Why SHOULD a person have to alter their style of dress in order not to suffer the actions of others? In what way is it different to saying that women walking round in certain outfits deserve what they get because they are "asking for it"?

Unfortunately - and much as it bugs me - I can't think of a valid reason to oppose the low-slung pants fashion. Though that doesn't stop me from wanting to place my foot in the sag and push it all the way down.

I was just a harmless, middle aged white lady in a dress in front of whom he could speak and act any way he pleased.

But on this, I am 100% with you. Sometimes it feels like I can't ever leave the house without encountering someone who has decided that the way they want to act trumps any kind of social niceties, trumps any consideration for others. My stress levels stay much lower when I don't have to deal with people.

He didn't even know that I possess training with which I don't even need a gun to kill his disrespectful little ass.

I should qualify that I am not normally homicidal towards anyone at all but had just left a doctors appointment where I had had an extremely large needle stuck in my shoulder and was in even more intense pain than I usually am in.

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It doesn't make sense to let go of something you've had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.

Saggy trousers annoy me no end. But I don't agree with this part of your post. Why SHOULD a person have to alter their style of dress in order not to suffer the actions of others? In what way is it different to saying that women walking round in certain outfits deserve what they get because they are "asking for it"?

Unfortunately - and much as it bugs me - I can't think of a valid reason to oppose the low-slung pants fashion. Though that doesn't stop me from wanting to place my foot in the sag and push it all the way down.

When the pants are so low as to expose the entire ass it seems to me a deliberate display of disrespect. As if they are telling the world to kiss their asses. People go on and on about how in prison the sagged pants mean they are available for anal sex and yadda yadda. But I find it just plain rude. Like a statement that says FUCK YOU, YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT MY ASS AND LIKE IT.I don't know, maybe I'm just old.

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It doesn't make sense to let go of something you've had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.

When I drive in the city, and someone crosses the street in front of my car, preventing me from moving forward, they obviously want to get me angry, so I'll intentionally light up a cigarette or begin searching my glove box for a tictac, ignoring them completely. They won't get any satisfaction from me.

I try not to rise to someone else's bait. If you do that, you're dancing to their tune, landing on their Park Place and Boardwalk: Checkmate!

Wow Lori. So much in this post. Can I break it down into a bunch of different components? First of all, crowded mass transit offers the opportunities for people who would probably not normally interact, to be much closer than they might ever come in other circumstances. And you articulated so much about perceptions and personal space and assumptions that we make, and assumptions that are made about us.

First of all, there are costumes. You know something? We all wear costumes. The costumes project to society our cultural identity, and the messages that we want to send about ourselves. A good business suit is a costume that says “I’m a white collar worker, on my way up, and I deserve respect.” Jeans and a tee-shirt say “I’m a casual non-conformist, just like all of the other casual non-conformists.” High heels say “I know I’m sexy and I’m just going to pretend that I’m not uncomfortable.” Sweat pants say “I don’t care what you think because I have other things to think about.” Good practical shoes, polished to a shine, on a low income immigrant, say “I might not have a lot of money, but I take care of myself and make good choices.” Teenagers and young people are infamous for wearing clothes that challenge the status quo, and piss off people who are not part of their age group and social group.

The kids on the train were wearing their costumes. And on a certain level, you let their teenage costumes piss you off, just the way the any set of developmentally appropriate teenagers, consciously or unconsciously, hoped that they would. But all of us make judgments about other people’s costumes. Costumes tend to enhance the us/them divide. And when people of another race or culture or economic status wear a costume that rubs us the wrong way, the divide is widened, and the assumptions are enhanced.

But as much as the costumes send a message, it might be a temporary message. And often it is a message that says “I want to be accepted by xyz group” more than anything else. And even rebellious costumes are really just sending a message that says “I want to be part of the social group that wears these rebellious clothes.” Rebel conformity. Most costumes don’t tell us much about the real person. Just the social identity. They don’t tell us who is kind, who is in pain, who is facing a huge personal crisis or loss, who is creative, who is generous, who is brilliant, who is industrious, who is brave, who is gentle. Behavior, obviously, gives us more hints and insights into that stuff.

And personal space is a completely different issue. Different cultures have different boundaries. Different invisible circles that we draw around ourselves, that it is rude to cross. And then, we get on a crowded train, and all the rules change. Some people manage to just completely ignore the boundaries that they might maintain in other circumstances, while other people struggle to maintain their boundaries. Every day on the trains of NYC, and probably the world, sitting women (of every race and culture) find themselves much closer to the dicks of standing strangers (of every race and culture) than they would like to be. And it often pisses us off. Sometimes, the owner of the dick is intentionally being provocative. Much of the time, the owner of the dick is being self-absorbed, and not really paying attention. I could write volumes about the sitting woman/standing man dick in the face dynamic, and observations that I have made over the years of riding trains, and strategies that have been successful (ranging from holding your phone and tapping on it in such a way as to increase your personal space, to confronting the owner of the offending dick, to just closing your eyes and making it all go away) and I must say that in most cases, the woman carries the burden. In this case, you carried the burden uncomfortably, and then it escalated.

Then there is the dynamic of loud voices and specialized vocabulary. This can really only happen in a group, and it is rarely two. It is usually three or more. It could be business men, talking about their wheeling and dealing. It is often teenagers. Could even be groups of strangers who bond with other groups of strangers en route to a ballgame or a concert or a protest. Sometimes it is tourists, trying to claim some space for themselves in an unfamiliar environment. In general, I view it as sort of pissing on a tree to mark the territory and claim it for their own. This is OUR train. The rest of you are irrelevant because WE are HERE.

So what an experience you had on your train ride. You are sick, and in pain and emotionally vulnerable. You are also worried about very serious personal and financial issues, which makes you easier to piss off. And then you get loud, costume wearing teenagers, symbolically pissing and marking their turf, invading your personal space, with one literally sticking his dick in your face, and you felt a HUGE divide. Except for the fact that you found the Sesame Street underwear endearing, there was nothing that could have bridged that divide.

I had to really restrain myself from verbally assaulting that kid. From screaming at him to pull his damn pants up. From asking him if he had seen the news lately and did he really think it was wise to act like a thug and get in the face of a potentially armed whitey. Had he ever even watched the news, or read the newspaper, or a book for that matter.

Unfortunately the days where a stranger who happens to be an elder is able to offer advice or correction to the youth have passed us by. It's not necessarily a racial issue, but instead a societal issue as we as people have become more isolated socially and contact beyond that of a text, tweet, or message board is too much of an infringment on our personal space.

Why was it OK for him to say nigger 27 times in the span of 2 minutes but if I said it once I would be labelled as a racist. I felt like I had also been profiled or perhaps just dismissed.

I'm guessing he didn't say nigger even once time. He in all likelihood said nigga (and yes, there is a difference). And why would it not be okay for him to say that due to the fact that in his unbringing and environment the word is used regularly and among his associates it is not a derogatory word anymore than the word 'dude' or the word 'homie' would be. Assuming you are from a different environment than the boys and do not consistantly participate in their circle and their circle's activities were you to say the word to or about them, it would be offensive and people would rightly question why it is that you would be using that language.

I felt like I had also been profiled or perhaps just dismissed. I was just a harmless, middle aged white lady in a dress in front of whom he could speak and act any way he pleased. He didn't even know that I possess training with which I don't even need a gun to kill his disrespectful little ass.

Dismissed is most likely the case. Speaking as a former youth that is of minority descent I can tell you that white people on an individual level are generally viewed by many of us as harmless, non threatening, weaker people that are embolded only because they have the system backing them. That attitude has been sown into many minority cultures for generations and reveals itself in the general distrust and bitterness many minorities carry towards whites in general.

Dismissed is most likely the case. Speaking as a former youth that is of minority descent I can tell you that white people on an individual level are generally viewed by many of us as harmless, non threatening, weaker people that are embolded only because they have the system backing them. That attitude has been sown into many minority cultures for generations and reveals itself in the general distrust and bitterness many minorities carry towards whites in general.

I think honestly there was some fear for that kid in my attitude towards him. Beneath his clothing and rude demeanor I could see a really cute kid. And with the tension and crap that have been stirred up lately there are a lot of people who won't look beyond the attitude. I feel kids who act like that so blatantly are placing themselves in harm's way - daring someone to have a problem with them. And there are nasty people who will have a problem with them, and will act on it. I just wanted to scream at him and maybe pull his Sesame Street underpants up over his head in the worst wedgie ever. But some people would want to do way worse. And that's why my fear had a little anger in it.

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It doesn't make sense to let go of something you've had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.

When I drive in the city, and someone crosses the street in front of my car, preventing me from moving forward, they obviously want to get me angry, so I'll intentionally light up a cigarette or begin searching my glove box for a tictac, ignoring them completely. They won't get any satisfaction from me.

I try not to rise to someone else's bait. If you do that, you're dancing to their tune, landing on their Park Place and Boardwalk: Checkmate!

I blame crossing guards for that phenomenon. Where I live, the crossing guards just stop the cars for the kids any time. I think they should teach the kids to wait for the lights.

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It doesn't make sense to let go of something you've had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.

And although this is a bit of a digression from the OP, I have to share. This is making the rounds on my facebook page today, and I love it.

I used to be slightly annoyed by this commercial as an egregious waste of cheerios. I didn't even notice that they were an interracial couple until I saw some post about it. I actually thought the couple was her grandparents. (Oops) I suppose as half of an interracial couple myself those things go over my head.

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It doesn't make sense to let go of something you've had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.

.... I feel kids who act like that so blatantly are placing themselves in harm's way - daring someone to have a problem with them. And there are nasty people who will have a problem with them, and will act on it. I just wanted to scream at him and maybe pull his Sesame Street underpants up over his head in the worst wedgie ever. But some people would want to do way worse. And that's why my fear had a little anger in it.

You hit it on the head with that analysis. That attitude, which where I'm from is spoken of enderingly as the "I wish a mofo would" attitude is promoted and has been promoted for generations among and to young men of color. The attitudes that have been promoted in our community have played their role in us as black men being viewed in the negative ways we oftentimes get looked at in. We are taught that people fear us because our potential is greater than theirs and that that is a major reason why the system works to "keep us down". We are taught not to show weakness and to embrace an oportunity to fight as opposed to fleeing a confrontation. We are told all about the brute and more base levels of manhood and educating us in the more human, emotional, and socially beneficial aspects of our humanity is often ignored. Because of that what is exhibited in us is a higher tendancy to embrace violence, a great disdain for things we don't understand, an enhanced homophobic attitude towards men who love men, and a aire of general disrespect for the establishment. Society values our physicality, so we promote it, work at it, and even exagerrate it because we have bought into the idea that that is where our value lies. Society doesn't value who and what we are on the inside, so we squash, ignore, and all kill our soft, sensitive more humanly relatible side because that's not something that we see celebrated or desired in and from us.

Every day on the trains of NYC, and probably the world, sitting women (of every race and culture) find themselves much closer to the dicks of standing strangers (of every race and culture) than they would like to be. And it often pisses us off. Sometimes, the owner of the dick is intentionally being provocative. Much of the time, the owner of the dick is being self-absorbed, and not really paying attention.

Can I just say - and I may just be speaking about myself here - that 99% of the day, I am completely oblivious about my dick. I pay it about as much attention as I do my shins - which is to say, none at all.

If I thought about where I stood on a train, I strongly suspect that I would have preferred not to stick my posterior in someone's face, and hence chosen to stand facing them....if I thought at all.

Maybe women are more aware all the time of their private parts, but I honestly believe that the vast majority of the time, men simply aren't aware of their bits. They may be thinking about sex, but honestly that's an entirely different thing.

Those were the words I said that were highly offensive to a 25-30 year old dark skinned woman wearing khaki capris, a short sleeved top, dangly ear rings and awesome looking colorful sneakers. A "costume" I would actually wear.

Her response -- a derisive snort, a dirty look and "I guess I got on the wrong bus."

Well excuse the fuck out of me. I give up on the human race.

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It doesn't make sense to let go of something you've had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.

Those were the words I said that were highly offensive to a 25-30 year old dark skinned woman wearing khaki capris, a short sleeved top, dangly ear rings and awesome looking colorful sneakers. A "costume" I would actually wear.

Her response -- a derisive snort, a dirty look and "I guess I got on the wrong bus."

Well excuse the fuck out of me. I give up on the human race.

That woman was lacking home training, as we used to say. The proper response from her should have been, "Thank you," with a brief smile.

Those were the words I said that were highly offensive to a 25-30 year old dark skinned woman wearing khaki capris, a short sleeved top, dangly ear rings and awesome looking colorful sneakers. A "costume" I would actually wear.

Her response -- a derisive snort, a dirty look and "I guess I got on the wrong bus."

Well excuse the fuck out of me. I give up on the human race.

That woman was lacking home training, as we used to say. The proper response from her should have been, "Thank you," with a brief smile.

Well I'm just tired. I will never compliment or speak to another stranger on public transit again.

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It doesn't make sense to let go of something you've had for so long. But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.