Monday, October 8, 2012

Today.

I couldn't stop. I knew the doctor was waiting for me. I knew I needed to change into my hospital gown. I knew the sooner I left the changing area the sooner I would know. But I couldn't stop. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop picking at the skin on my face. I don't know if it was the worrying, the stress or just nature that caused my skin to break out today but I couldn't stop. Every inch I explored was filled with something I could pick at, something I could squeeze... prod at. So there I stood half undressed in the changing area of the hospital awaiting my fate... but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get myself to focus or concentrate on anything besides the blemishes on my face.

Girls dream about what it will be like the first time they get an ultra sound. Dream of hearing a baby's heart beat, seeing a hand or a foot to know that it's real. To know that the weird feeling they have felt for weeks or maybe even months isn't just crazy thoughts but it's real. Actually creating a baby. Often I've dreamed of the joy that would surround me and my first ultra sound... sitting there with my proud husband holding my hand as the doctor squirts that cold jelly on my belly and finds something that we created together.

How different today was. Today I went to the hospital with hope that the lump the doctor thought might be suspicious about 5 days ago would be nothing. The hope that the lump, that I had been feeling for almost two months but only decided to accept it really existed 8 days ago, was benign.

It's a scary thing to think you might have the C word. I'm young. I'm healthy. There is very little history in my family. But then again... so are so many others. Two of the people I love most in my life that are my age have the C word.

But it's kinda crazy how drastically different your perspective is. Don't get me wrong, I was almost positive I didn't have cancer. But still, what if. It's crazy how life works like that. I just focused on my doctor's lips as she examined the ultra sound.... waiting to see her reaction. What a relief it was when she concluded and then the radiologist confirmed it was benign.

Now this is the point in the blogpost where most people would thank God for being so blessed to not have cancer. But if you remember back to here, I don't think it works like that. I don't think because I paid my tithing or did enough good deeds God prevented me from having cancer. I think cancer just wasn't a trial I need right now. But I do thank God. I thank God for the knowledge I have that if I did get cancer He would be there to give me the strength I needed. I thank God that I know what will happen after this life. But most of all I thank my Heavenly Father for the wonderful experiences and people He's put in my life to help me enjoy the journey.