Saturday, December 10, 2005

Cat Theory

I have two cats, the brother and sister comedy team of Kiko and Neo.

Neo is the girl, so named because she was first out of the chute, and we were watching “The Matrix” on a loop when she was born. She is an attractive tortie, her face is half yellow and half black. She is the more vocal of the two, especially when she can see a dime-sized area of the bottom of her food bowl empty.

No matter that there’s food all around that dime-sized spot—as far as she’s concerned, “the bowl’s empty, so FILL IT!” She will stand on the arm of the chair, and MEOW as I walk by, expressing her displeasure with the food bowl situation.

She has the extremely cute habit of flopping down on the floor and twisting her head around at the slightest provocation. I think there’s a future in cat food commercials for her.

Kiko is a black male, with three kinks in his tail. He is the strong, silent type; his mouth barely opens when he does decide that the conversation is worth putting his two cents in.

His cat food commercial tricks are that he will retrieve a foil ball when thrown (a trick he taught me) and that, when he’s really feeling lovey-dovey, he’ll rear up on his back legs and touch his front paws on my leg.

All I need is a blue screen, and a video camera, and those cats are gonna make me some money.

My roommate has complained that “whenever I go to the bathroom, Neo just HAS to come in and rub up against me! She sits here until I’m done! She bugs!”

I formulated a theory on the spot, (making it up as I went along,) but it seemed to make sense:

I told her that lions are the only felines that live in a group. All other cats are solitary hunters, unless it’s a female with cubs.

I said that, since Neo and Kiko live together, Neo has taken the part of the “lioness” of our “pride,” and we are her “cubs.” She’s does bug patrol, killing spiders, etc., and if she comes into the bathroom when we are showering or peeing, it’s because, in that situation, we are vulnerable to predators, and she’s protecting us.

Hey—pretty good, huh? But who knows what cats think? Maybe Neo just likes to be in the bathroom when someone is in there, for lack of anything better to do. I don’t let them out into the great big world because I live right next to the VERY BUSY intersection of Juan Tabo and Candelaria, where cats can be squished by big plastic cars that will feel no regret.

I know they like Steely Dan and Mozart, chill out to Blondie’s “Atomic,” and hate Kraftwerk. They like shows with bugs and birds, and they are fascinated by the movie “Hedwig and The Angry Inch.”

They like it when I do karaoke—“On The Radio” and “Born to Run” are their favorites.