Welcome To The Hermit's Desk

Thank you guys for the advice on writing. I'm going to look into those. Don't be surprised if I message you guys for more specific advice soon.

Something strange over the last couple of days - I've been thinking and talking about David more often. Since getting sick, his influence in my mind has dropped to nearly nothing. But for some reason lately, he is in my thoughts.

So I talk about him and am surprised to note the venom to my voice is missing. It's like I'm just talking about him, not spitting. And I realized something, too. Something that surprised me.

I no longer wish ill or harm on him. I did. I STRONGLY did before. I wanted him to suffer, to be miserable - all things he inherently is anyways, but it gave me joy to think of him being unhappy.

All of a sudden, it doesn't give me joy. His unhappiness is his and not mine. I told Jesse last night that as sick as I am now, it is nothing that I would EVER wish on anyone - not even David.

That surprised me. I'm not at the point where I'd wish him well, but somewhere over the last few months, I AM at the point where I wish him no pain. If David were diagnosed with a disease similar to lupus, I would feel genuine sorrow for him.

This is new. I don't think a day will ever come when I want to speak to him again. I don't think a day will ever come when I want to settle old debts, spats, or arguments.

But a day has come where I no longer actively wish him harm. This is strange, but I assume good.

as sick as I am now, it is nothing that I would EVER wish on anyone - not even David.

That's exactly how I feel about my brain injury—and arduous recovery from it: I'd never wish it on my worst enemy.

And about David: you've probably heard the saying "Don't rent space in your brain." It seemed for quite awhile that David was renting a lot of space in your brain and had his own little apartment there.

It's easier said than done; I find myself obsessing occasionally about people I'd be better off forgetting about and it becomes like, "Whatever you do, don't think of the color red."

It's always good to let it go. There are things in my past--like my dad's abuse--that I can't just yet. While I've thrown out or stored most of the things he's given me, trying to evict him from my head is difficult. Too many unhappy memories which are played on an endless reel some days. I cannot forgive him for what he did; nor can I forgive (or even tolerate) what he's doing to my mom and brothers right now. For now, I'd like to strangle him. While that may lessen in time, I can't help but feel that way now.

It's as much (if not more) about letting go of the person's past transgressions against you. That doesn't mean forgetting what they did or even letting them back into your life, it does mean that person has become more an object of indifference than an object of hate or scorn.