Sundays With the Christianists: A Cold War “World History” Textbook For Your Fallout Shelter / Homeschool

If you’re feeling nostalgic for the Cold War, you could do worse than to grab a copy of our 10th-grade text, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, which presents communism as an ongoing threat right now, today. As we mentioned last week, we’ve finally gotten a copy of the 2010 revision of the book, and you’ll be delighted to know that it is still every bit as Red Scared as the 1997 edition we’ve been using for this series up until now.* Like the 1997 edition, the lengthy chapter on the evils of communism presents it as a present threat that might set international dominoes toppling at any moment.

This week, we’ll wrap up our look at the Red Menace with a couple of sidebar sections which explain, just in case the main text hasn’t made the point, why communism is very, very bad indeed. The first is an essay titled “Communism: A Negative System,” which informs us that

Communism is a totally negative system — a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good. In its suppression of the higher aspects of man’s character, it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man.

Golly! Say what you will about the tenets of national socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos!

No God. Communism is based upon the denial of God — atheism. Marx said, “Our goal is to destroy capitalism and dethrone God!” Engels simply declared, “God is man.” Lenin and Stalin did all in their power to stamp out Christianity in Russia.

Oddly, we could not find any source other than right-wing websites for that alleged Marx quote. It’s not entirely out of line with his dismissal of religion as the “opiate of the masses,” but we didn’t find a citation — though Marx did note that atheism has a certain revolutionary utilty: “If I dethrone God I also dethrone the king who reigns by the grace of God.” But that’s different, isn’t it? (Your commie is always obsessed with nuance, isn’t he?)

But Communism’s violent hatred for God, the Bible, and Christianity does not mean that Communists have no sense of the sacred. The Communist ”god” is the supposedly omniscient, omnipotent Communist state. Communism asserts its totalitarian power over the body and soul of every human being under its control and will not tolerate any interference from the God of the Bible and Christianity. This is why Communism and Biblical Christianity must always be locked in mortal combat for the hearts and minds of people everywhere.

Ah, but what about liberation theology, those Marxist-tinged priests and nuns that John Paul II worked so hard to root out, you may ask? You clearly aren’t paying attention: they said “Biblical Christianity,” which doesn’t allow dirty papists to sully the Gospels with communist thinking. That’s like double heresy. QED.

No Creation. Because it is an atheistic system, Communism cannot accept God’s creation of the universe. Instead, Communism chooses to accept evolution, insisting that the only reality is “matter in motion” and that everything in the universe (including thoughts, feelings, and the human will) can be explained only in terms of the material. This inaccurate perception of reality, materialism, contends that matter is eternal and is in a continual process of evolutionary change.

I can has conflation? At least they didn’t say “Darwinism” this time.

No morality. Communism drifts in a sea of relativistic thinking. A natural consequence of atheism is the loss of moral absolutes. No God means no law; no law means no absolute standards of good and evil… This false perception of morality explains why Communists can justify the murder of many millions of people in the countries they have conquered.

As we all know, atheists generally go around killing people because only the fear of hell keeps us from doing so. Wait, that isn’t right –we know we’d remember any murderous rampages. And of course, there’s the inconvenient evidence showing that the most secular countries tend to have the least crime.**

No family ties. Communists despise the family unit. Strong families are important to the freedom and well-being of any society because they promote economic, emotional, and social stability; they preserve traditional values and customs; and they provide moral guidelines and standards of right and wrong… Communism’s goal is to eliminate the family and separate children from their parents… by forcing both father and mother to work long hours just to survive and by placing their children in state-sponsored day cares and schools, where their young, impressionable minds are indoctrinated with Communist principles and propaganda.

[Citation needed] Seriously. They aren’t even trying now. Yeah, yeah, and liberals and feminists and teh gheys want to “destroy the family,” too, and the schools are part of the plot.

No individuality. Communism’s insistence on maintaining the “collective” good of the state destroys the worth of individuals… Indeed, Communism tries to control the very thoughts of individuals with its propaganda; anyone who thinks differently than the state is severely punished and subjected to further attacks on his individuality.

Coming from people who fight against science, censor library books, and try to “cure” people of homosexuality, this is pretty fucking rich.

No hope. Many people under Communism lead lives of quiet despair and frustration because of the utter hopelessness of human life under Communism…

It was at this point that we distinctly heard the ghost of Henry David Thoreau throwing up.

The other sidebar, which is actually longer but will get less discussion here, is an excerpt from a “Christian Anti-Communism Crusade” pamphlet titled “Why Communism Kills.” It begins creatively enough:

Communism kills! This is not debatable. The record is crystal clear. The U.S. Senate Internal Security Subcommittee conducted investigations into the number killed in the Soviet Union and China. Their report stated that 35 million to 45 million had been killed in the Soviet Union and 34 million to 62.5 million in Communist China.

and goes on to suggest that “apologists for Communism” dismiss the death toll as due to cultural factors in Russia and China, and

they do not believe that killing is an essential ingredient of Communism itself. They believe that the triumph of Communism in the United States, England, or Western Europe would not lead to mass slaughter. Are they right or are they suffering from a dangerous delusion?

More to the point, who actually fears a Communist “triumph” in the United States — today, or even in the late 1970s, when this pamphlet originated? (Besides the editors of this textbook and people who fear water flouridation, of course). In any case, we learn that Marx himself called for mass murder in The Communist Manifesto, which we’re pretty sure we’d have recalled.

[Marx wrote that] “the bourgeois, the middle-class owner of property…must indeed, be swept out of the way, and made impossible.” Apologists for Marxism contend that Marx did not intend that this statement should be taken literally. They affirm that he was referring to the gradual elimination of property owners by the transformation of the economic system which Communism would bring to pass. They cannot deny, however, that many followers of Karl Marx, including Stalin, Mao Tse-tung, and Pol Pot have taken this affirmation literally and have proceeded to kill the “middle-class owners of property” once they have acquired power.

This is pretty neat logic. Marx said a thing that didn’t mention killing millions, but since people calling themselves Marxists used it as an excuse to kill millions, he only could have meant “go kill millions.” We will keep this in mind the next time a tea partier says their “refresh the tree of liberty” webpage is not advocating political murder. (Needless to say, Marx could have avoided a lot of trouble by simply adding ” — with votes!”)

In any case, after spending three weeks with this chapter, we are convinced: We have decided that pursuing a communist revolution in the United States is probably not something we should do.

Besides, now that Barack Hussein Obama has been re-elected, it would be redundant, huh?

*Apart from chapters dealing with recent events, the most significant difference is that the 2010 version is a good 100 pages shorter, an economy mostly realized by snipping paragraphs here and there, especially illustrative quotations from other books.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

"Oral Roberts brother, Anal? They dressed alike and I usually mixed them up."

Um, no — you REALLY don't want to confuse Oral and Anal.

OneDollarJuana

At least, you want to meet them in one order instead of the other.

Botlrokit

Pillage before you burn, as it were.

http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

Herr Doktor Merkwurdigliebe?

Doktor Zoom

Mein fuhrer, I can edit Christian textbooks!

VodkaGoGo

Was going to say Reagan but then I remembered Kennedy and settled on "every president from 1945-1992." I think FDR could make that list too but he had bigger fish to fry.

Misty Malarky

Popeye?

eggsacklywright

J. Egger Hooper.

SexySmurf

Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen and Caroline in the City?

VodkaGoGo

All this time it went right over my head that Roadhouse was about communism. The more you know.

snowpointsecret

Karl Rove?

Wait, does perceived Communism count too?

tessiee

Joe McCarthy?

tessiee

Some dude named Godwin or something?

rickmaci

Tsar Nikolas II?

Negropolis

Dick Nixon?

Like Jesus, Dick Nixon seems to come in handy quite a bit around here.

CindynEncinitas

Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smiff?

Hera Sent Me

As they pathetically segue from "totalitarian communism is homicidal" to "any effort by any government to spread around the benefits of the nation's wealth is homicidal", let's offer an audio/visual accompaniment:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K1q9Ntcr5g

Well, the capitalists have done a pretty good job on the first part there.

BadKitty904

Based on the example they seem to continually set, they're working mighty hard on the second.

AlterNewt

God bless 'em.

OneDollarJuana

Based on the increasing number of non-believers, they are succeeding.

bikerlaureate

Rock 'em sock 'em invisible hands.

Therefore, the free market is fighting God.

Negropolis

They seem to be doing a pretty good job on the second part, as well. They've moved god out of the way and replaced him with the worship of wealth (The Property Gospel), and try to fool themselves by calling Mammon God. Well, good look with that, Christianists.

How many more sick and destitute children will they sacrifice to Him for tax cuts?

All of them, Katie.

Loch_Nessosaur

Do the home schooled kids have air raid drills and practice 'Duck and Cover' by getting under their kitchen tables?

http://lookatthisfuckingcentrist.wordpress.com Both Sides Do It

Nah they stick their heads in the ground

and never take them out

Steverino247

Hey, don't knock the Duck and Cover drills. A classmate showed me her pussy during one of those.

Steverino247

Apparently posts about sexual misbehavior during duck and cover drills violate the terms of service. Thus, my later comment about being seen out in public in those shoes.

GunToting[Redacted]

So, if I'm reading this right (and I like to think that I am), the PTA is communist, and thus destroying the family?

http://wonkette.com/ weejee

What about the football booster club and their insidious orange jello carrot salad at the pot lucks???? Commies for sure!!!

FeloniousMonk

The Harper Valley PTA begs to disagree. You will be hearing from our lawyers shortly.

http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

Evolution: bad, creation:good; got it!! (A bit of concern, however, that some people will never evolve.)

sbj1964

There is no other form of repression,and out right dictator-ism than that of religion.

http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

Can I get an Amen?

BadKitty904

I've posted this before, but it's relevant here:

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

It is one of the family facts that I am particularly proud of, that my father had an FBI file in the 60s.

Geminisunmars

So did my (now deceased) brother: For being a conscientious objector, and working with a lawyer to help others claim that status. We were very proud of him.

soeoho

Better Red than Rogue-Rouge!

AlterNewt

A quick Googlization would seem to indicate that 55 W. 42nd Street, in 1950, was the home of Time Magazine.

Toomush_Infer

Paaaaage One! – as the beloved of Christ Paul Harvey would have said….

BadKitty904

Is that guy supposed to be Asian? Why is his hat named "Juan"? And why is his parang or machete or whatever it is named "Democracy"?

memzilla

Why don't I recognize the landmass he's standing on as anyplace on Planet Earth?

BadKitty904

ALIEN INVASION!!!

GunToting[Redacted]

Maybe the Philippines? Still, very confusing.

GunToting[Redacted]

I was taking a short break from honing “Democracy” and had to comment.

eggsacklywright

A democracy scimitar in every pot!

BaldarTFlagass

Geography Bee Winnah!!

VodkaGoGo

Definately the Philippines. I always associate the Philippines with a 1980s Jim Day cartoon that made the Philippines look like Reagan's head in profile.

http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

Political Cartoons are supposed to make sense?

Doktor Zoom

I couldn't find anything solid in a cursory search, but it's apparently a US-produced poster meant to inspire Filipinos to resist the Red Menace. One ad on Amazon dates it from the 1920s, which seems like not quite the right era for the lettering, but maybe for the drawing.

I wonder if "Juan" is part of some attempt at creating a Filipino national-symbol guy, like Uncle Sam or something…

I dunno. My grandmothers' name (yes, both of them) were named Juanita. They both had a thing for ugly hats, flared pants, heels, and large knives, so seems appropriate to me. I never noticed if any of the knives were named democracy though.

http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

Duh, Xtians. I think many us here never liked the commies either.

I still laugh that Xtians are upset that commies are dogmatic and attack ideas that don't jibe with their dogma. Isn't it ironic, eh?

HouseOfTheBlueLights

It's only totalitarian if you disagree with the theology.

Toomush_Infer

Kind of the three fingers pointing back at them and one pointing straight up….

memzilla

CommunismFaux News is a totally negative system — a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good. In its suppression of the higher aspects of man’s character, it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man.

Amazing how well that quote works, innit?

http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

The corporation's goal is to eliminate the family and separate children from their parents… by forcing both father and mother to work long hours just to survive and by placing their children in corporate sponsored day cares and schools, where their young, impressionable minds are indoctrinated with corporate principles and propaganda.

eggsacklywright

Righto. Home skuling = your own personal North Korea.

mosaickmind

You can add to that:
No God (except our version)
No Creation (except our made up intelligent design )
No Morality (Cause your not moral if you watch any news other than Fox)
No family ties (if you aren't Christian, straight, conservative)
No Individuality ('cause people not like us makes us nervous)
No Hope (cause Obama said it)

oenspiek

Projection was always these clowns' chief skill.

GunToting[Redacted]

"Communism’s goal is to eliminate the family and separate children from their parents… by forcing both father and mother to work long hours just to survive and by placing their children in state-sponsored day cares and schools,"

Wait, is the author talking about communist countries, or the actual reality here in this Religio-capitalist Job-Creator paradise in which we live? I haz a MAJOR confused.

ttommyunger

Communists-OK, Gheys-That'l work, Mooslums-Sure, Jews-Yup….No, wait, that was a different time.Same tactic, but a different time.

AlterNewt

I think it is the height of rationality to be afraid of giants with scimitars.

I understand, Doktor. But fear still seems like a good way to go, good guys notwithstanding.

CindynEncinitas

I bet if it was a giant with a tankard of ale I'd take cover and look for a good angle.

Beowoof

I am aware of at least one guy who claimed he was a Christian who thought wiping out a certain religion would be a good idea.

http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

If it's the same goy (heh) I'm thinking of, I believe his following was of the Socialist Christian variety, emphasis on the Socialist part.

PubOption

National Socialist possibly.

http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

Another Amen is in order

Beowoof

But a good Catholic.

eggsacklywright

…albeit a flatulent one.

Veritas78

Lousy painter, though.

bikerlaureate

FlorDuh's own Rev. Terry Jones?

VodkaGoGo

Only one?

billy_reuben

Really? Only one? I've had quite a few confide exactly that little sentiment to me.

HarryButtle

OT I woke up and realized this morning that the bone-throwing witch doctor in Kenya who predicted Obama would win was right while bazillionaire political genius Karl Rove was completely wrong. And I smiled.

Nothingisamiss

Oh my, well done. I can't get enough gloating in. Here's one more thing on my list.

Beowoof

Hey Intense Debate is not letting me give anyone p-ness today. :(

PubOption

It seems to be working at the moment.

http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

I just gave you one and it worked, please give it back to the management to avoid a late fee.

I keep turning it off and on and although I can't see p-ness, I can give it a gentle rub with the mouse and it gets bigger.

Toomush_Infer

Bigger is good….

Nothingisamiss

I want p-ness and I want it now!

LibrarianX

"inaccurate perception of reality, materialism"? I had a friend as an undergrad who liked to "prove" materialism with headbutts.

FeloniousMonk

That's arguably kinder than Alan Sokal: "Anyone who believes that the laws of physics are mere social conventions is invited to try transgressing those conventions from the windows of my apartment. (I live on the twenty-first floor.)"

subsum

Actually, the line goes "Fuck me! Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism …" Don't misquote Walter Sobchak. This aggression will not stand, man!

Doktor Zoom

So you're saying I shouldn't try to Mittenize the classics? I guess this is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.

BloviateMe

I see what you gosh darn diddly did right there.

subsum

Well, if we must continue the debate about Juan, over here, first, he's standing over the Philipines archipelago. Secondly, given what he's trying to defend against the sickle-and-hammer, he's most likely Asian, not Latin American. Regardless, though, "… The Chinaman is not the issue here, Dude!"

http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

I'd like to dedicate my many sleepless nights as a kid while laying down in bed and facing away from the window so I wouldn't get hit in the face with broken glass from the bomb's shock wave to the paranoia generated by the anti-commies. So thanks a pantfull.

tessiee

"facing away from the window so I wouldn't get hit in the face with broken glass from the bomb's shock wave"

However, facing away from the window *will* make it easier for The Boogeyman to sneak up on you, so there's that.

CindynEncinitas

My mom kept a few obligatory canned goods in the hall closet out of her mild *thank Jeebus* fear of the Reds. And prolly her knowledge that we could overpower the Mormons next door if we got really hungry.

PubOption

Whoever drew that image was a terrible geographer. Did the Birchers advocate home-schooling?

TheGyrus

Communism’s goal is to eliminate the family and separate children from their parents… by forcing both father and mother to work long hours just to survive and by placing their children in state-sponsored day cares and schools….

See, the problem with Communism is that day cares are state sponsored, wear-as in Capitalism, the money to pay for it comes directly out of the hard-working mother and father's pockets. As God intended.

Communism is a totally negative system — a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good

Reminds me of a story: A few years ago on election day I had forgotten to bring my Dem voter guide with me to work. I sent out an email to everyone in the company asking if anyone had a voting guide, either party would do.

CrunchyKnee

Is that dude in the cartoon wearing pointy toed pumps to the slaughter a sly nod toward "commies = the gheys?" Or maybe, the cartoonist just likes pointy toed pumps?

eggsacklywright

In general, I do not like flat or flabby things. Pointy things are much preferred.

tessiee

Juan just likes to be fabulous.

http://estevancarlos.com american__mutt

Thanks for the nerd PDF.

Mittens Howell, III

Other Marx quotes: "Jesus was a cross dresser." and "Our goal is to destroy Fox news and stop it's evil dissemination of truth, while preserving the occasional broadcasting of upskirt shots."

PubOption

Are you using cross dresser in the sense of window dresser, where dress means decorate?

BaldarTFlagass

There's a lot of things with which we need to concern ourselves these days, but creeping communism is certainly no longer among them.

CrunchyKnee

Or as the kids say these days, "I got 99 problems, but a Bolshevik aint one."

BadKitty904

Dude, truly. Speaking as an under-30, anyone today preaching about the evils of Communism may as well denounce ragtime and horseless carriages, as well…

PugglesRule

And velocipedes. Don't forget to denounce velocipedes!

Butch_Wagstaff

That danged jazzy pianer music that cause the ladies to dance and show their knees! UGH!

FeloniousMonk

Speaking as an old, you young whippersnappers may want to notice that them there horseless carriages is contributing to this here global warmin'. We warned youse! Course, the horses farted nearly as much as the cows. And the smell of the horseshit in the streets would fair make you lose yer lunch. And … nurse! what was I talking about?

eggsacklywright

Correct. Creeping communism is not a problem. It's the somnolent variety that scares the crap out of me.

Stevola

That's what "they" want you to think…

tessiee

They are trying to lull you into a false sense of security! /Dale Gribble

BloviateMe

Personally, the horse and bayonet disparity keeps me up at night.

Barrelhse

That's what they'd LIKE you to think!!!

http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

That's part of the Communist plan–lull us into a false sense of security before they swoop in and set up day care centers for everyone.

He's one of three identical triplets, so if you've see Juan, you've seen them all.

Sorry, so very sorry

eggsacklywright

Bosco lives in all his chocolatey goodness.

tessiee

Interesting that you read his screen name as "bosko lives"; I always thought it was "bosk olives". But then, I like olives.

http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

Bosko was the worlds best dog, ever. He was a 115 pound Husky Malamute mix who made it to the age of 14 in people years, outliving the vet who said Bosko "might" live to be 8 or 10 because of his size. So it goes. The name Boskolives is sort of a variant on the Greek use of "Z" for "He Lives" in the film by Costa-Gavras, which also had the name "Z", too.

CindynEncinitas

Bosco is by far the best chocolate syrup. They still sell it at Stater Bros and my 19-year-old son agrees that it rules. But I'm sure your dog was wonderful and he went to heaven.

Doktor Zoom

He stoled 'em from Imelda's closet.

And Boskolives is definitely going to hell for that pun.

BadKitty904

Definitely. I'm dialing the NKVD now. ;0)

Monsieur_Grumpe

I think it's porn.

Lucidamente1

I'm glad Juan dela Cruz's mother put his name on his tinfoil hat.

http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

OT – Your faithful friend Johnny is back…. The compound suffered significant damage – although everyone is fine which is all that counts. Our power returned yesterday and our internet service this morning.

A large ash tree basically gay-married a black walnut and took it to it's deathly resting place on top of our house, breaking windows, putting holes through things and crushing our deck. No people or cats were injured. The whole area is just a wreck – and this is 60 miles inland almost into Pennsyltucky.

The last I heard was that Romney was going to win, so I guess my question is what do you all think about the new Republican administration? Bummer!

Hope everyone else made out ok!!!! :) :)

BadKitty904

Congrats! And Happy Veteran's Day!

Doktor Zoom

Welcome back, glad you survived, and did you hear the terrific news? Kang won!

http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

Wow – I just heard the good news…. But what is this??? The GOP is vowing to make Hillary Clinton a one term president in 2016??????

CindynEncinitas

Yeah. And by the way, you're going to have to go help Peggy Nooninghampton rassle with a couple of pill bottles and an ice cube tray… That's what you get when you miss the meeting…

tessiee

Don't blame me; I voted for Kodos.

PugglesRule

Don't blame me, I voted for Klaatu.

BoatOfVelociraptors

*cough*

http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

Glad you're back and the humans and critters are safe. And yes, our president's squeak-by re-election by a mere 130 or so electoral votes means he's going to have to give the House Republicans everything they want. A sad victory indeed, but if we have to repeal Obamacare and cut taxes for the wealthy to save the union, then so be it, right?

Congrats, Johnny. I'm in Princeton, and I, too, got my electric back yesterday and my wifi about an hour ago. If you hadn't said the thing about the tree into the roof, I would suspect you lived somewhere in my house. (We only had trees take out two poles and rip the service off our house). Good luck with your repairs.

As far as I can tell, Mitt also too has not had power or wifi, so he is preparing his transition. Boehner and McConnell are totally on board.

http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

Glad to hear you're back too! It was sort of like Trees Vs. People around here (Hunterdon County).

http://lookatthisfuckingcentrist.wordpress.com Both Sides Do It

Oh man "- with votes!" needs to be a thing

"I want him *dead*, I want his family *dead*, I want his house *burned to the ground* – with votes!"

And the Xtains think teaching this to high schoolers won't pique their interest just a tad??

Vodka shooters around!! Break-out the Wesson Oil™, were gonna do something new and different on the Slip-and-Slide™.

An_Outhouse

All those anti drug pamphlets made me want to try LSD something fierce.

eggsacklywright

D.A.R.E. = drugs are really exciting.

glasspusher

S.O.B.E.R.- Sex often brings exciting results.

eggsacklywright

Miss Beastly was my third-grade teacher.

Doktor Zoom

Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

http://wonkette.com/ weejee

When you book, ask for the Bryan Fischer / Ralph Reed special. That includes the rubber tarp and your choice of lime jello or Wesson Oil for the slide lube.

glasspusher

What's our little skeptic doing today?

memzilla

I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doktor.

tessiee

Is the guy in the illustration, who is wearing high heels [?] and brandishing the sword labeled "Democracy", supposed to be smiting the commies, and therefore on our side? He looks rather threatening to me, although quite fashion-forward.
Also, according to his hat made out of the top part of a pumpkin [?], his name is Juan, which is a brown name, so he's possibly a terraist, and at the very least, a moocher.

http://wonkette.com/ weejee

his name is Juan

Oily Juan Canoly, the rapeseed magnate?

tessiee

Oily Juan Cannolli is the legendary Spanish-Italian space wizard/pastry chef.
There is no such thing as rapeseed, remember?

Doktor Zoom

Help me Oily Juan Cannolli, you're my only hope!

Biel_ze_Bubba

In the '60s, Marcos was anxious to assist with the commie-bashing in Vietnam. I'm guessing that Juan is a PHILCAG operative.
The artist was obviously stumped by the concept of a Spanish-speaking southeast asian, which may explain why we have a coolie named Juan.

not that Dewey

Freedom Fighters from Outer Juangolia.

Wile E. Quixote

I was wondering if the illustration meant that democracy was endangered by communism and that its primary defender was a Filipino drag-queen named Juan who was wearing a hat shaped like a pumpkin, slacks and pumps.

Barrelhse

At first glance I thought it was "I Dream of Jeannie".

BarackMyWorld

Joe McCarthy's ghost could masturbating furiously to this, I reckon.

Dashboard Buddha

Under normal circumstances he would, but he's too busy sucking Satan's cock while floating naked in a pool of snapping turtles.

So, basically, anything other than Jeebus is ungood, but Communism is double-plus ungood.

snowpointsecret

This is why Communism and Biblical Christianity must always be locked in mortal combat for the hearts and minds of people everywhere.

Forgive me for saying this but… FATALITY.

Negropolis

FINISH HIM!

Goonemeritus

Well I guess these strong feelings about Communism explain some of the shocked looks I got at my last senior management meeting when I mentioned that Karl Marx had some good ideas.

tessiee

You know who ELSE had some good ideas?

Goonemeritus

Me?

tessiee

"Communism asserts its totalitarian power over the body and soul of every human being under its control and will not tolerate any interference from the God of the Bible and Christianity. This is why Communism and Biblical Christianity must always be locked in mortal combat for the hearts and minds of people everywhere."

Okay, apparently I was even more confused than expected. The point about congressional cats still stands, however.

Biel_ze_Bubba

Unless you were thinging "minks". That's a different furry mammal entirely. Cute, sure, but they'd be pretty shitty overlords.

Barrelhse

"Fucks like a mink."

PubOption

Absolutely.

Dashboard Buddha

I think that's a manx. A minx is a girl or young woman who is considered pert, flirtatious, or impudent. I think a government run by flirtatious young women would be awesome!

Doktor Zoom

Minxocracy Now!

AlterNewt

I, for one…well…you know…

CindynEncinitas

Better than the Ken dolls we have in there now!

Misty Malarky

Isn't that the same outfit Shirley Jones and Susan Dey wore on The Partridge Family?

bikerlaureate

Everything old is new again, while possibly retaining its schlock value.

tessiee

"Marx said a thing that didn’t mention killing millions, but since people calling themselves Marxists used it as an excuse to kill millions, he only could have meant “go kill millions.”"

*cough*Inquisition*cough*crusades*cough*witch burnings*cough*

fishwharf

Commie and God damn proud of it!

tessiee

"Communism is a totally negative system — a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good. In its suppression of the higher aspects of man’s character, it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man."

Rape! Murder! Carnage! War! Pillaging! Pestilence! Leaving all the lights on like we're made out of electricity or something!

BadKitty904

Based on the scale of human misery, the only difference I can see between these two systems of oppression is the lapel pin worn by the persecutors…

glasspusher

If I take the square root of a totally negative system, do I get an imaginary system?

snowpointsecret

Seriously. They aren’t even trying now. Yeah, yeah, and liberals and feminists and teh gheys want to “destroy the family,” too, and the schools are part of the plot.

Yeah… Sorry about ruining your families over there, I was just having a little fun!

tessiee

"Communism’s goal is to eliminate the family and separate children from their parents… by forcing both father and mother to work long hours just to survive and by placing their children in state-sponsored day cares and schools"

As contrasted with capitalism, which allows the whole family to toil in the same sweatshop… although it's true that they don't always let them sit together.

CindynEncinitas

Where is this "communism?" They failed to separate me from my 19 year old who won't go to school or get a job because he's a "musician" now? What is the address?

An_Outhouse

"materialism, contends that matter is eternal and is in a continual process of evolutionary change"

like the carbon and nitrogen cycles? like the fact that every once in awhile I smell dinosaur farts?

http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

No morality. Communism drifts in a sea of relativistic thinking. A natural consequence of atheism is the loss of moral absolutes. No God means no law; no law means no absolute standards of good and evil… This false perception of morality explains why Communists can justify the murder of many millions of people in the countries they have conquered.

600,000 dead-but-free Iraqis agree.

Doktor Zoom

A favorite Onion headline: "Dead Iraqi Would Have Loved Democracy"

proudgrampa

Thanks, Dok! Time for me to get another new keyboard after spewing my martini!!!

An_Outhouse

This false perception of morality explains why Communists Christians, aware of the white man's burden, can justify the murder of many millions of people in the countries they have conquered

bikerlaureate

Are you insinuating that "Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out" is not straight outa one of the Gospels?

Oh, I get the picture now. "Juan" is a native of the Philippines and he's wearing colorful native garb. He stands like the Colossus of Manila with his scimitar and tasteful red trousers, ready to thwart Creeping Communism.

BadKitty904

Ha! You're right! I thought he was AD-vocating Commonism. Now I see he's defending the 'Pines *against* it.

Swapping Christianity for Communism, leaves the veracity of this statement unchanged.

BadKitty904

What are you, some kinda Commie? ;0)

kittensdontlie

Red is Santa's color…I'm just sayin'….

gullywompr

Ya know, I think the Christianists have put the maximum effort into getting their message out there, creating alternate environments in which to educate, and influencing media outlets to reflect their view. They've given it absolutely everything they've got. And Obama still won twice. Think they get it now?

Rotundo_

No. They believe that America is dead etc. They still do not get it. Secular America has won and they are pissing their pants at the prospect. They don't understand why the message failed. I'm thinking they believe it's a test of their faith, and that Juh-HEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZuSSSSSSSSSSSSS will come back and prove them right and send all the nonbelievers into lakes of fire and brimstone and all that stuff. I am hoping it gets them bored and frustrated with the political process so they quit meddling in it as much.

Holy shit! I once found a similar little pamphlet when I was in grad school in Cleveland- it was an anti evolution rant, with the question "Monkey's Uncle?" on the cover. Good times.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

Make sure you check out what Chick thinks of Mormons.
HAW HAW HAW!

Wile E. Quixote

I'm surprised that Chick's anti-mormon tracts weren't mailed to every voter on the eve of the South Carolina and Florida Republican primaries by operatives for the Gingrich or Santorum campaigns.

BloviateMe

Those fucking Chick tracts.
They make me feel all stabby.
Refrigerator.

Haiku is hard.

Butch_Wagstaff

On the farm where I grew up there were two rental houses. One of them was rented for a time to a Holiness couple (don't ask me to explain "Holiness"–just Google it if you simply must know more about it). When they were finally evicted for nonpayment of rent (and they hadn't paid rent since the 1st month), they left some stuff in the house that I, and my dad, had to clean out because they abandoned it. Anyhoo, there was a box of religious comics they left behind (not Chick tracts–we're talkin' full-sized format). I was just getting into comics at the time, so I grabbed up the box & read them. Holy crap! There was some messed up stuff in them.
Now that I think about it, I don't think it was a coincidence that it was around the time when I started to question religion.

BlueStateLibel

"Communism is a totally negative system — a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good. In its suppression of the higher aspects of man’s character, it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man."

One could say the exact same thing about unregulated free-market capitalism, which has brought us such things as child labor, Bain Capital, tainted food, slavery, poisoned water and air, etc.

TribecaMike

You know who else said "God is man"? Mark Twain, that's who. Or should that be Marx Twain?

"If the revolution succeeds, Carlos will betray you. ALL revolutionary leaders kill those closest to them. Stalin did it, and so did Castro."

"What about George Washington and John Adams? Or Toussaint Louverture? Or Garibaldi? Or Attaturk? Or the leaders of the Warsaw Ghetto uprising? Or Gandhi? Or Rómulo Betancourt? Or Portugal's "Carnation Revolution"? Or the ousting of Ferdinand Marcos? Or the "Velvet Revolution" in Czechoslovakia?"

Cannot the same be said for religious fundamentalism of any stripe? Christians blowing up abortion clinics seems pretty beastly to me.

BadKitty904

"Do as I say, not as I do."

GregComlish

Not only did communists conspire against Family Ties, but also Family Matters, All in the Family, Friends, Perfect Strangers, and even Mr. Belvedere. "Our goal is to subvert Capitalism in all forms including shitty sentimental sitcoms and especially those in the ABC Friday night line-up" said Vladimir Lenin.

The deal with the rebel group, the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, which has fought a war of independence for more than three decades, is the first step in what is expected to be a long, complex process of working through disputes that have lasted for centuries between the Christian-dominated national government and the predominantly Muslim residents of the southern island of Mindanao.

Communism asserts its totalitarian power over the body and soul of every human being under its control and will not tolerate any interference from the God of the Bible and Christianity.
Totalitarian power over the body and soul of every human being under its control? Hey, that's GOD'S job!

Sassomatic

Hey I have an idea, lets murder the shit out of the Tea Party, with votes of course. Oh, what? We already did that? Then let us frolic and play with the (vote) corpse, like so many dolphins that have just gang raped a porpoise to death (not with votes).

http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

i'm not sure how porpoises fit in, but we still have joe barton, eric cantor and michele bachman.

MosesInvests

Did Louie Gohmert (Pyle) get re-elected?

zappadoo76

"The U.S. Senate Internal Security Subcommittee conducted investigations into the number killed in the Soviet Union and China. Their report stated that 35 million to 45 million had been killed in the Soviet Union and 34 million to 62.5 million in Communist China."

These numbers get bigger and bigger all the time. Or that's what I used to think. I remember when the anti-communists put the number at 10 million in the Soviet Union. I figured that was because the number had to be greater than the Jews killed in the holocaust. But the folks who made this low-ball estimate and the larger ones that followed must not have been paying attention. Apparently there were way bigger numbers many years ago when the Senate Internal Security Subcommittee was in operation. And guess who was the chairman of that committee.

Joe McCarthy.

He wouldn't lie, now would he?

oenspiek

Under Communism, man exploits man. Under Christian Capitalism, it's the other way around — as Jeebus intended.

glasspusher

Still one of the oldest and best jokes I know.

oenspiek

It's old — but if the joke belongs anywhere, it's this thread!

http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

If you want to see some crazy wingnut shit – check out Gov. Christie's Facebook page.

99% of the posts are "God is punishing NJ for YOU handing the election to Obama"

BlueStateLibel

And Mitt Romney is losing a Facebook friend every 4.3 seconds since he lost, and getting comments like these: "we are pretending that Obama isnt the president and that every state leave this socialist union"

bikerlaureate

Cause and effect (or at least sequential time) seem to be rather flexible in their universe.

glasspusher

Is there a longer Planck Time for Christians?

bikerlaureate

I think we get a head start on removing large pieces of wood from our own eye.

Doktor Zoom

Plancking is sooo 2011.

BloviateMe

Haha it turns out my atheist ass wishing it were so, was more powerful than your prayer. That's gotta sting.

Announcer:"Very good Karl, you're well on your way to that lounge suite!"

finallyhappy

Wow, I have had quite a good day on FB- first unfriended some guy(don't really know him- our kids – now adults- went to school together) who wrote crap about veterans- how they were all used by the gov't- as if my dad who had to fight to get into WWII and my uncles and every other veteran- had no idea about what or why they went . Then one of his friends wrote "all war is bad – a fact we all have to admit"- not me, sorry . Then another guy( I think I met him once at a meeting) posted some political remark about how liberals read extremist views and believe they are made by mainstream conservatives. I wrote and said I think most of the crazy views are by teabaggers and other rightwingers. The page owner sent me a PM saying my idea was wrong but also how dare I use filthy language referring to a disgusting sex act(really!!). Told him that I was unfriending because obviously many people refer to the teaparty members that way (wearing those stupid teabags on their hats) and if he thinks I was being filthy and disgusting, we shouldn't be FB "friends". I also unfriended some woman who keeps posting sadz about Romney.

Doktor Zoom

Yeah, but it doesn't sound like you fired anyone.

Butch_Wagstaff

"I also unfriended some woman who keeps posting sadz about Romney."
How do you know Victoria Jackson?

At this point, Dok, it would be funnier to just write your own damned chapters for this piece of claptrap:

"Mankind's arrogance and pride reached its pinnacle with the building of the RMS Titanic in 1912. As the largest watercraft ever afloat, it set the standard for the Godless enjoyment of luxurious accommodations, including excellent restaurants, richly appointed cabins and an on-board gymnasium. The Lord was displeased at this lust for storing up treasures on earth, and used His omnipotent power to reassert His primacy, as He had five thousand years earlier when Man sassed God by building the Tower Of Babel: He prepared a Great Iceberg to rend the vessel and send it to the bottom of the sea."

"Due to the Godly actions of the Methodists, Baptists and other non-Papist Christian activists in the Anti-Saloon League, the Volstead Act was passed in 1919 to exorcise the demon Rum from the body of the American Republic. But the reprobate-minded peoples who had immigrated from apostate Catholic countries accepted constant drunkenness as a way of life, and their shameful dissipation was indulged by the oft-besotted High Priests of Papism. Because they refused to give up their vile whiskeys, schnapps and beers, God gave them over to the torments of organized crime and the violence and degeneracy of the brutish, swarthy and foul-mouthed Italians."

not that Dewey

This is excellent work, Chet, but I'd like to make one small adjustment — "lust for storing up treasures on earth" is actually entirely consistent with the Christianist worldview, and their idea of what their god wants them to do. Tweak it to "lust for international travel bringing us one step closer to One World Government", or some such, and you've got it.

Dear God lovers,
The upside of being an Atheist is that I don't believe there is a Heaven or Hell.
The downside is that Hell is where all the Hookers apparently go.

Steverino247

No, the worst thing about being an Atheist is there's no one to talk to while getting a blowjob.

BoatOfVelociraptors

I have high fived a friend of mine while we were both getting blowjobs. The subject of conversation was memory architectures for gpu's. It was distracting, but possible.

BadKitty904

“Heaven for climate, hell for society.”

~ Mark Twain

Antispandex

Why is Juan dressed like an Asian guy and threatening everyone with his cane knife?

BlueStateLibel

Breaking: For the first time in his life, Mitt Rmoney is supposedly trying to FIND jobs for people (his staff), not destroy their jobs, Hell feezes over.

MosesInvests

Most of them probably would have settled for their credit cards being good through election night.

Toomush_Infer

Shit – he could build a nice little corporation, say a think tank, out of the unspent monies left in his campaign and that of the superpacs – they could rival Faux News, something like Very Faux News……hire hundreds….or he could put car elevators in the rest of his houses….something to think about….

Barrelhse

Better dead than Red, I suppose. Right, God?

decentcitizen

It's a well known fact that communists hate their children and feed them to their cats at the first opportunity.

BadKitty904

Hey, now…

http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

Kim Jong-Il libel!

http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

Dude seems to have a serious diarrhea problem.

Negropolis

The commies are coming! The commies are coming! Don't shoot 'til you see the red of their thoughts.

Schmegeg

Stealing from Argo: Groucho said what?

GemlikeFlame

Only in very limited circumstances do "liberation" and "theology" belong in the same phrase. In 2003 and 2004, Mrs. Flame and I managed to get a very hard to come by (thank you, Bush administration), religious/educational visa to Cuba to meet with the contemporary pillars of liberation theology in the Presbyterian churches on the island. While it's fair to say that most of the Cuban Protestant theologians were ecumenical to an extreme, they told us that the growing evangelical movement posed the biggest threat to the uneasy stalemate the government and the island's churches had managed to maintain over the last several decades. If things go south when Fidel dies, I know who to look at.

NYNYNYjr

So, I was thinking. Broadwell's book is called 'All In' and the cover is the back of the general's head. It just made me think…was that how she was used to seeing him, when she went all in?

not that Dewey

I think you've pegged it.

cousinitt

For me, the captivating thing about this series of tracts, err, textbooks, is the utter despair and depression they engender. There's this unending series of desperate battles that must be won against an implacable foe. If you, the erstwhile hero of this epic battle despair the God-created dog-shock collar tightens around your soul and you fight on against what you are told is evil. Slog on, you do as you are commanded.

You slay the people of the Communist menace. But you really slay the undead, right? You slay people who happened to be born under the banner of the antichrist: The Marxist conspiracy against God. Without mercy, you must fight for God. You weaponize the atom and you will by God, vaporize the enemy of the dollar, the marketplace, the Elvis.

Sorry, I get enough nihilism as it is shopping at Walmart.

Misty Malarky

OT HAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Today Show's special commentator simply poppin' full of fresh gravitas on the Petraeus scandal? Holier than thou Newt Gingrich, that's who!

Newt also thinks President Obama should compromise with Congress since he so lost that election and that you should buy his new book.

The guy with the wormy looking head is always tickled pink to have Newt on the show and tells him so.

Clarification: I'm watching The Today Show to see the premiere of that adorable Willie Geist.

http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

What do Christianity and Communism have in common, other than both starting with the letter C?
A glaring lack of a sense of humor.

Lizzietish81

Recently I saw a hilarious movie (with Peter Graves) about a guy getting messages from Mars who quote scripture, which leads to Russians embracing Christianity and overthrowing the Soviet government in a violent coup.

Kids today just don't get the "Red Menace", which makes the GOP's overuse of the word even more hilarious.

Negropolis

"Red Menace" would be an appropriate pejorative for the Republican Party, these days.

TribecaMike

If memory serves, noted red-hater Cecil B. DeMille himself was the voice of God on the radio.