Friday, August 25, 2006

Sometimes, we expected too much. I expected too much that when a thing doesn’t go the way I want, I get frustrated. Today is my boyfriend birthday, but we celebrated it last night because tonight we have cell group. So, what happened last night was, I planned the whole thing two weeks before yesterday came. Places have decided, budget has prepared, and clothing has been chosen, together with the jewelry and high heel. I get some help from my housemate as well and people opinions about the most romantic places. Everything seems to be good and I prayed too that it would be excited and fun. Before I dress up, I felt so excited and I called my boyfriend asked him what time he will reach here. He answered me with an exhausted tone and kind of like moody tone. I ask him, what have happened? He said nothing, just felt a bit bored and tired.

My mood went down and while I was preparing myself, I keep on praying and beg God that He can give us a wonderful time and quality to spend together. Not long later, we get in the car and our night began. His main requirement was “class” atmosphere, so I suggested him to drive to Mount Kiara and have a look. So, we drove there. That place was nice but pack with cars and people. We can’t find one empty space to park our car. Nonetheless, we decided to go to Bangsar and dine in there. Seems like things doesn’t come the way we expected. We got trap inside the jam for hours and we got lost. Boiling water keeps coming out from him and me. Both of us have a small quarrel and we cool down for hours as well in the middle of the jam.

At last, we end up in pizza hut. Can you imagine me wearing evening gown and my high heel and jewelry everything, dine in pizza hut. I’m not saying pizza hut is bad, the food was nice just that I never expected myself wearing like this eating in pizza hut. I get frustrated and I don’t have the appetite to eat anymore.

Both of us didn’t talk, and the atmosphere is cold. Everything seems to be cold. To make the whole thing short, I make a deal with him. If he dares to do my requirement, I’ll follow his car home. If he dare not, then I’ll stay there as long as I want. He struggle and struggle, at last he did it and I manage to come home safely.

From the whole night of this so-called “celebrating birthday” is really terrible. Get stuck in the jam, got quarrel with your most love, eat fast food and have to do sometimes that is so hard and it take hours to decided. This is not what I expected nor I pray for. When we were in the cold war that time, my mind can go so negative until one stage that I maybe I should just stop this journey. Even my boyfriend has the same thought as me.

Sometimes, what we want doesn’t mean what we’ll get but God know us best and he will give what is the best for us. From last night, my boyfriend and I do learn things about us. Everyone is stubborn and that is true, stubborn with standing too strong in your point is a bad thing. I learn that, pride can destroy relationship too. When come to the one that you love the most, sometimes we forgot how to appreciate one another and forgot about each other kindness. Last night, I choose to keep myself silent and he keeps quiet too. So, both of us have a “silent competition”. You don’t want to talk, fine by me. I don’t talk too. When we reach pizza, I don’t eat and he didn’t eat too. So, we have another “not eating” competition. The stubborn inside of us keep on going and going together with the pride that compete a win and lose game. Sooner or later, we have a confrontation but things become worst. If both of us don’t humble down and apologize, I think we’ll end up walking our own ways than still holding hands and walk together.Stubborn could destroy, and this is so true. To humble down and tear down the pride is tough. But, if each couple also wants to win, then many will end up regretting and heart broken. I didn’t pray for this, but I get this. I can choose to think that God is ridiculous, but I choose to learn from the whole thing and turn this to an understanding process. After all, it all depends on how we want it to be.

Finally, would like to say Happy Birthday to my most love. May God continue to be the centre of this relationship and may death do us part.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

It’s already half past one in the morning. I can’t believe that my mind still wandering around…..positive, negative, all in one mind. Another few more hours, I’ll need to pack up and start my new day again. Tears non-stop dropping down from my creek. Trying so hard to stop my mind so that I can stop my tears too but things just couldn’t be like what I wanted to. As my period is coming soon, hormone change and my mood also swing like nobody business. At the same time, I can have the feeling of happy and sad. Wondering is this still normal?

Can’t believe that this process takes so long and it’s tougher than I imagine. The past has came back to haunted me. There’s nothing else I can do but to sit myself down and pray. I pray that I can feel comfort and have courage to continue this journey.

After wiping all my tears, feel that my shoulder is lighter. Security is still not here, but I’ll learn to have it more when time comes. I have to learn to let go, to trust God and to continue to have faith. It’s tough but I know that I’ll be ok. I choose to be ok… for God Grace is sufficient for me. It’s another journey of life.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Early this morning, my dear best friend gave me a phone call to wake me up. She told me that she’ll be coming back slightly earlier because they cancel their Sydney trip and decided to come back for another event that going to be held in Terrenganu. After that, I told her that, now only mid of August, still long way to go. Then she replied me saying, left 3 months only, I will back to the place where I belong. So, our conversation ended with me going to washroom to clean up myself and to prepare to work and she continue with her work there.

Meanwhile in the office, I start to work like what I normally did. I started to realize that days past so fast when I wrote today’s date. I was like, Oh My… today already 16th of August. All these while, I knew that time tick fast and day pass by like rocket. Today, I suddenly got shock that time past really fast and faster than I can imagine. I still remember how heart broken I was when my best friend left me and further her studies overseas. Those days seems like just last month thing but another 3 months, I’ll be meeting with her and she’ll be coming back.

With a shock feeling inside me, I told my colleague that, Wow…time past really fast. It’s already August and sooner or later, we will have to welcome another new year. As I though about this myself, what have I learn for this 8 months. Every beginning of the year, the passion of doing the new year resolution lists will be very excited and can’t wait to start all over my life again with all these new year resolution. Until today, when I look back, can’t totally remember what was my New Year resolution already.

Some of my New Year resolution for this year bought forward from last year. So, will my life just be like this? Only bringing forward whatever New Year resolution that I can’t achieve last year and pray that by grace and mercy, I able to achieve it this year? Still not slim enough like what I expected, still can’t able to save $2500 by end of this month, still don’t have a strong enough faith to trust God.

I do have some breakthrough this year like, I can drive now, I conduct a dance class, I learn to swim, I learn to let go certain things, I give building fund more than I expected and my relationship is getting into another level. Hmm… I still learn things that I planned too but I just think that is not good enough.

There will be another 3 and a half month left for this year, I really hope that I can learn things far more than I imagine, far more than I expect and far more than I required. Lord, this will still be my prayer from the early of this year till end of this year. If you can use anything, You can use me. Here I am.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Actually, I wanted to write about this topic for quite some time but I just couldn’t find some time to drop down what it’s in my mind. Hmm…. I’ve been stopping to write things in my blog for quite a short while. I should bring this habit back to my life then. All these while, been busying doing my own things and being lazy as I normally used to.

Well, it’s still not too late to come back and put the updated thing about my space in where it should belong. Choices… sometimes, we can clarify that we have too many choices while sometimes; we could said that actually, we don’t have any choices. I still remembered that before I made up my mind to start a dance class, my elder leader ask me, do you have faith in your product? I answered him… Not really but because I have no choices. If I don’t start the dance class, I might not get what I really want in the end. So by faith, I just start a class without asking or doubting much about my product but to trust God that He will handle everything.

It is so true that when come to choices, sometimes, we have too much and sometimes we have no choices. There is certain times, I will think that God said that He gives us free will choices, but when come to certain thing, we don’t have any choices at all because to follow His ways, is the best choices. The playful heart that inside me will struggle and have battle within myself either to follow my own desire or to follow God’s desire. Every now and then, we should learn to let go and let God. But, this will always be a tough lesson because of our own desire and the wild us inside of us. To train the inside to be tame is to train our inside greater than our outside. After all, it’s like teaching a lion to be like a dog. It could be this tough.

Nevertheless, is also about how we interpret the word “Choices” when come to different situation. Everyday, we have to made choices, what to wear, what to eat, where to go, what to do. All these are about choices. If we made one wrong decision, we will lose the only one opportunity in the lifetime, we might have to bear the feeling of regret or guilt maybe for the rest of our life. But, it we made a correct decision, we won’t feel sorry for ourselves. When come to decision, everyone will scratch their head and try to take the right choices.

If we made a wrong decision, maybe we still can remain optimistic and take the challenge as, trial bring us stronger. At least, we won’t lose the hope but continue to be happy and encouraging.