Date: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 04:24:35 -0400
From: Bill McBride
Subject: ReClaming Austin CHAPTER 6
Austin drove my Jeep to the party. If there's anything sexier then a tanned
athletic hunk in a tank wearing a backwards hat driving a Jeep, I don't
think I could take the shock of it.
We had agreed that since so many people there knew about "us," we'd just
take one vehicle and walk in together. Austin shot me a stern look when I
suggested he carry me in, newlywed-style.
We walked in about 7:30, and the party was already jumping. After a few
hellos to the regulars, I saw Phil making a funny face at me and mouthing
something. The next thing I knew, a guy walked up and shook Austin's hand.
"Nathan? Uhhh, Hi" Austin said with a surprise.
"Hey there, ya asshole," Nathan said in a deep Southern accent.
"Called ya yesterday, and yur roommate said you was coming back here for
the weekend. But yur mom didn't know nothin' about it. So ah came here
cause ah knew ya couldn't pass up a party," he laughed and slapped a
visibly shaken Austin on the back.
As much as I wanted to stay and watch, I was swept toward the backyard. I
wasn't even wielding my guitar yet. I finally mumbled that I needed my
guitar and made a break for the front room. As I approached, I heard Nathan
very clearly.
"Dude, why the hell are ya hanging around with that fag?" Nathan joked with
a very pale Austin.
"He's not a fag, Nathan." Austin protested half-heartedly.
The denial stung like a wasp. I turned, went in the kitchen and left
through the side door. I walked over to my Jeep, grabbed my guitar,
returned through the side door and walked directly out back. Regardless of
our plan, I started to drink, and I was on my third beer when Austin came
over and nudged me. I ignored him and took another swig.
"What the hell's with you?" Austin asked as he nudged me harder.
I turned and took another swig before catching his eyes and saying, in as
bitchy a tone as I could muster, "Nothing you need to worry about!" Then I
turned around and left. Austin however wasn't going to let it drop.
"Hey, I don't know what I did," he said. "If it was Nathan, I think he's
got a better idea now of what's going on."
"Yeah, You're straight. I'm straight. What? I just happen to make a better
breakfast than your mother?" I stated as I walked towards the backyard.
Austin simultaneously took my beer away and lifted me up. I struggled and
threatened him as he carried me through a crowded living room, down a
hallway and into the guest room, where he asked Glen and Jennifer to let us
speak privately for a few minutes.
She smoothed out her dress, and he went all blushes and said hi to each of
us as he slipped past.
Austin set me down he said rather firmly, "Goddamnit now! Listen to me. I
don't want to hurt you!"
"You already have, Sunshine!" I said to his face.
"How?" he demanded. "I don't know what I did. Christ, you're as bad as a
damned girl!!!" He spun around, looking up at the ceiling.
"When your friend asked why you were hanging out with the fag, you told him
I wasn't gay. Like you're ashamed of me. OK, deny it about yourself because
maybe you aren't. But I am, and I am not going to go back in the closet,
even for you."
"I never said you were straight. Who told you that?" Austin asked.
"I heard you with my very own ears. You said, 'He isn't gay.'" I mocked his
voice.
His face was quizzical for a second before he finally broke into a big
grin. "And you walked out as soon as you heard that?"
I just held his gaze, then finally said "Yeah!" It had begun to dawn on me
that I might be wrong about something. That there was a chance I didn't
have all the facts yet.
"Baby, what I said was, 'He isn't a fag' Then I grabbed his shirt to let
him know I meant business and added, 'He's gay. Learn the difference!'"
Austin continued to grin while I turned different shades of red and
stammered for something to say.
"I'm waiting," he taunted.
"I-I-I'm so sorry" I pleaded as I looked at our feet.
"And???" he asked.
I looked up at him, still blushing and feeling ashamed. "And ... I should
have trusted you... You gave me a chance last night when you thought I'd
told people about you."
I went over and hugged him tightly. A few seconds later, I was lifted to
his face. My head moved to the side instinctively for the kiss I knew was
coming. When it didn't, I opened my eyes to see a huge grin on his face as
he looked down his nose at me.
"God you're an easy bitch ..." he teased me.
"Sue me. I have a thing for a big, badly dressed doofus. Now are you gonna
kiss me or what?" I asked as I tried to move my head toward his to catch
his lips.
Austin deftly moved his head further back. Try as I might, all I did was
arch my neck. He giggled as he teased me.
"Doofus huh???" he said, wiggling his fingers on my sides slightly causing
me to spaz out.
"And wait a second, you picked all my clothing out. So if I'm dressed bad,
it's your fault, my little faggy friend."
Seeing the look in my eyes he quickly added, "Wait a second. Before you
knee me like a bitch in heat, listen. If I'm bisexual, that makes me half
fag, and since I'm twice as big as you, that means we have the same amount
of fag in us, so I can use the word 'fag' anytime I want now. Fag, Fag," he
then moved his face in and kissed me briefly.
Then he added "Fag," followed by a kiss. "Fag," followed by another
kiss. "Faggot," followed by a long kiss.
Neither of us realized the had door opened and someone had walked into the
room.
"Jesus fucking Christ, I wouldn'ta believed it if I hadn't seen it with my
own eyes. Austin Camble's a fucking fag," Nathan almost hissed at us.
Austin quickly moved our faces apart, but he made no attempt to hide what
we'd been doing.
"As usual Nathan, you're only half right. Alex is gay. You already knew
that. I'm bisexual. So that only makes me half gay. And if you keep
calling us fags, I'm gunna hold you down and let Alex fuck you till your
eyes bug out."
As funny as that thought was, I was more worried about Nathan spreading
this news about Austin. Austin was dealing with this like an old pro. I was
incredibly proud of him, so I wiggled my way down and took a step toward
Nathan.
"Listen. No one is gonna do anything to you, but I would like to talk to
you," I said as sincerely as I could.
"Fuck that!" Nathan spat out. He was making for the door when Glen and Dan
came in and blocked his way out.
"What the hell's going on in here?" Dan asked as Glen looked from Austin to
me to Nathan.
Nathan was very much a redneck. Maybe he came from more money then the
average redneck, but his politics and views firmly held him to that camp.
Unfortunately for him, he was my height (5-foot-7) and only outweighed me
by 20 pounds... Not nearly as big as any of the 6-foot monsters in this
room.
He tried walking out when I said, "Wait Nathan, please. I really need to
talk To you."'
Glen grabbed Nathan and spun him around quickly. "He asked you 'please.'"
"Very nicely, too," Dan added as he moved to block the doorway.
"All you fucking faggots better get out of my way now. I mean it!" Nathan
snarled.
With all the yelling, more and more people gathered in the doorway,
Finally, I looked at Austin, and he nodded to me.
"All right. Would everyone who knows about Austin and I please come in the
room," I said loudly as Nathan tried once again to swim against the crowd.
Dennis finally walked in and stood directly in his way. He was a big
bodybuilder who found out he liked going to gay bars because he could dance
and be himself without getting in fights all the time.
Dennis had been in so many fights that his cousin, a paramedic, had given
him his own suture gun for all the little cuts. He was a wonderful guy,
funny and pretty good looking. We'd always gotten along great. At 6-2 and
240 pounds, with a chest like a tank and massive arms that were too big for
sleeves, not even a homophobic redneck was going to argue with him.
"Yeah, waddaya want?" Dennis asked in his friendly baritone voice.
"OK. Apparently last night, Austin and I were overheard in some
conversation, and then people started to gossip about us after we left." I
said, taking out the papers that I had folded in my pocket and passing them
out.
I'd made 20 copies of each of the three pages and stapled them together.
When people started to open them, a wave of shock and revulsion swept over
the room.
"The first picture is a gay man from Alabama who'd been in a weekend
baseball league. When his teammates discovered that he was gay, that's what
they did to him with baseball bats. He died within minutes of having his
head cracked open. After he was dead, some of his teammates pissed all over
his body. The other pictures show what happens in the military if a
homosexual is unlucky enough to be discovered by his bunkmates before he's
discharged. Some of them are dead, and some are maimed for life. All of
them were bashed for no other reason then being gay."
The room was deadly silent. Some people, like Nathan, looked at me. Most
simply stared at the horrible pictures.
"Not everyone is as open and accepting as this group. This is a very, very
rare group. If this secret gets out about Austin, there is a chance that it
will get to his family and or his teammates. Either way, it's a dangerous
thing. So unless anyone here wants to see Austin's picture passed around
like this because of silly gossip, I suggest we all agree to keep this
secret here."
Austin walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me protectively and
lovingly.
"And just so y'all understand, I never did anything like this before I met
Alex. I'm not really a full-blown homosexual. I'm bisexual, I guess. But
anyways, I really would appreciate it if you'd keep our secret. Please."
Austin asked in true sincerity.
"So why don't you just stop being fucking fags if ya don't wanna land up
like that damn picture... An awful lot of folk down here think that's the
only way to deal with a faggo ... homosexual," Nathan said with
slow-burning contempt.
"Why the hell don't you grow up and stop being ignorant. Seems like that
would make everyone happier," Cynthia added with more edge to her voice
than I'd ever heard. "And when y'all talk about 'down here,' I hope you
mean the backwoods of Florida and not the South, because even the bigots I
know are more civilized then the monsters who did that," she added pointing
to the picture.
Audra had a tear in her eye when she looked up and asked me where I'd
gotten these awful pictures.
"I used to teach courses in sensitivity training to the staff, resident
advisers and faculty at college. I also used to speak to classes and even
some civic groups about gay, lesbian and bisexual issues. These pictures
were just some of the material I had," I said.
"So if you talked to all them people at school, and they all knew about
you, how come you didn't land up like that damned picture?" Nathan asked
seriously.
When I smiled, many of the people in the room started to laugh and giggle.
Austin didn't know this secret any more than Nathan did. I didn't want to
say anything so I just put my hands up and said, "Because it was a small
very expensive school, and I was very lucky."
"Yeah, and captain of the judo team," Steve bellowed out to a round of
laughter.
"Hell, even I know not to fuck with him!" Dennis offered.
I blushed a little as I added, "Like I said, I was very lucky. Even judo
won't protect you from a team wielding baseball bats or an idiot with a
gun. It probably did offer me some protection, but more than that, it made
people who might have dismissed me otherwise stop and listen to what I had
to say."
"If yer done with yer speech, can ah leave now?" Nathan asked like a man
held against his will.
"Not so fast sport," Dennis said. "Give me your wallet'"
"Fuck you!" Nathan replied bravely.
"I'm not going to keep it or take any of your damned money. Now give me
your wallet, dickhead!" Dennis stated in low, even tones. His threat was
implied even if he didn't say it in so many words.
Glaring at Dennis with uncontested hatred, Nathan reluctantly handed over
his wallet. Dennis opened it up and took out his ID, handed it to a girl
named Trina and asked her to copy all the information on it to a piece of
paper.
When she had finished, she handed everything back to Dennis. Dennis folded
up the paper and stuck it in one of his pockets, then replaced the ID card
and handed the wallet back to Nathan.
"You know why I took that information?" Dennis asked Nathan, who said
nothing as he glared. "That might be the smartest thing you've said all
night buddy boy. I took that information because if anyone finds out, I
mean anyone, here or at Austin's school, you are going to suffer. I don't
mean beat-you-up kind of suffering. I mean twisted fucking shit. The kinds
of things Pacino likes to do in his movies. Capiche?"
Dennis's voice had become so low and monotone, that it even scared us. He
was usually so nice that no one thought much about it. But his past was a
mystery, and there had been rumors that he'd done work for drug dealers in
south Florida. Hard to believe till you saw his gold jewelry, muscles and
moments like this, when a terrifying cold pallor came over him.
This was one guy you didn't want to get angry. I was certain that his
muscles were the least scary thing in his arsenal.
"You believe what I'm telling you Nathan?" Dennis asked tauntingly.
Nathan had lost some of his anger. It had slowly been replaced by an
element of fear.
"Yeah, I won't say shit. To me he's dead anyways." Nathan said in an
attempt to regain his bravado.
Phil finally spoke up as he pushed into the room.
"Nathan, get out now. And if we hear anything about this getting out,
Dennis will just be the first wave, jerkwad. You got me?"
As Nathan pushed out he gave a feeble, "Fuck all y'all, anyways."
To everyone's surprise, Jennifer blocked his way and said to him, "I have
been keeping your secret for years now. If this gets out, I will make sure
the police get all the information they need. Now get out of this house. No
one wants a hateful person like you around."
And then he was gone. A moment of dead silence came over the room.
Finally Austin squeezed me and said, "I told you capping their asses would
have been easier!"
Later on, I played the guitar, cradled up against Austin's chest. He held
me and got drinks for me all evening. Since I'd already been drinking, he
told me that he'd drive us back to my house. If I'd thought I'd fallen for
him before this, I'd found out that that was just a false start. Now I
found myself falling into a wonderfully deep place suspended in his
arms. That he was demonstrating love for me in front of his friends meant
everything. That they were so supportive meant, well, I'm not sure there is
a word for this feeling, at least not in English. A bond had formed now
around our group that no one could break. And for the moment, at its
center, it was Austin and I.
Austin had gone back to the house to get another drink. When he came back
out, he was talking to Jennifer and Glen. At one point, all three of them
looked up at me. Then, with a serious look on his face, Glen came over and
said rather loudly, "I can't believe that the only person you wanted to
save was Dan! See if I offer to perform your civil gay marriage thing for
you."
Then Glen turned to the group and said loudly, "Everyone, I think you
should know that when Austin found out about the gossip," he turned around
and looked right at me, barely stifling the grin that his mock indignation
was trying to mask, "which, by the way, I told them about, the only person
he offered to save was Dan. Because he looked cute in surfer shorts!"
I knew it was a joke, but I began to blush like a sunburned flamingo. All
the guys were laughing and protesting. Finally, Dennis walked up with his
arms crossed and said, "What about me? You'd take Dan over me?"
I stood up, not sure where my balls had come from, and suddenly reached
down and cupped his crotch. I never did things like this. It was just the
mood of the group and the spirit of the night. I squeezed as he began to
laugh... I made a serious contemplative face as though I was trying to
decide. Finally, I reached up and pulled his face to kiss him on the cheek.
"Sorry big guy, nice biceps don't do me as much good as a waxed long
board."
Everyone started laughing hysterically. Finally, when Austin came over and
handed me my drink, I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him over.
"And what have we learned tonight about gossip and telling secrets?"
More laughs and hoots ensued as Austin sat behind me and pulled me up tight
against him. It was entirely too hot for this, but how do you criticize the
upholstery of heaven?
Without any doubts, and despite Nathan's attempt to ruin everything, this
evening was one of the best I'd ever had. Even Jennifer had thrown her
weight behind us. And when several members of the group tried to pry
Nathan's secret out of her, she said with a steely voice that it was going
to remain their secret unless Nathan broke his promise. I had suddenly
developed a huge amount of respect for her.
We played love songs and easy-listening songs till late in the evening. I
knew we were sending off a good vibe when Phil's next-door neighbor, Mrs.
Shipman, an elderly lady who had occasionally called the police when we
made too much nose, opened her window and cut off her air conditioning. I
played acoustic love songs and acoustic versions of rock classics all
evening. Even the electrical guitar guys opted for acoustics.
I put my guitar down for awhile and just enjoyed the feeling of Austin
wrapping his arms around me and rubbing his stubbly cheek up and down my
neck. When I craned my neck back for a kiss, there were quite a few
"awwwwwws" from the crowd.
The mosquitoes finally got so bad that we moved back inside. About half the
group had left, so there were only about 16 of us left. Just before 1 a.m.,
a car pulled up and really tall woman got out. As she walked up the
driveway, one of the guys called out to Dan, and he raced out to meet this
newcomer.
While he helped her inside, everyone turned to Cynthia and Korma for the
answer to who she was.
"That's his new girlfriend," Korma whispered loudly. "Her name is Melisa,
and she's 29. She works in media relations at the university, whatever that
means. That's all I know so far."
Dan introduced the tall, tanned blond around the room. She seemed nice, but
a little distant. I could see her trying to keep her nose down with all
these "kids." But she did dote on Dan. He was an easy guy to dote on: tall,
dark and handsome.
His surfer lifestyle showed in his personality every bit as much as it did
in his physique. But I could see what was going on. He was her new boytoy.
As soon as they'd left the room, Korma said in a loud melodramatic whisper,
"What a bitch!"
That feeling was unanimously shared. When I was certain she wouldn't come
back in, I added, "I don't understand, if she hated 'kids' so much, why was
she trying to dress like one and put on make up to look like one? You think
she's like Jane Goodall? Trying to sneak in and make us complacent while
she interacts with us and takes notes?"
Everyone laughed, then Phil added, "I wonder if Jane ever did one of her
gorillas over the hood of her Porsche?"
A few minutes later Audra, Cynthia, and Korma came over to where Austin and
I were sitting. "So, since you two both have birthdays next month, what are
we doing for parties? Phil suggested we do one on Friday the 22nd for both
of you. Is that good, or do you have plans already?" Audra asked.
Austin and I just looked at each other in surprise. Neither of us had
discussed this, as we didn't know about the other's birthday, When my
eyebrows arched at him, he said, "April 29th. You?"
"20th," I grinned...
"An Aries and a Taurus. This should be a fun birthday party." Melisa stated
skeptically from the kitchen as she came out.
"Don't tell me you believe that crap," Phil added with a grin.
"I don't think it runs our lives Philip, but I do believe it has some
influence over our personalities," Melisa said patronizingly.
Melisa looked over at Austin and I. Her eyebrow shot up curiously as she
noticed his hand on my thigh. Without realizing it, Austin withdrew his
hand and moved to get comfortable. I quickly leaned against him and pulled
his hand back to where it had rested.
I halfway expected her to make some homophobic remark or sneer. Instead,
she laughed and said, "Relax, I'm not trying to steal your man. I was
thinking that my brother, Ryan, would like to meet you. He just moved back
from California."
She smiled and went back to stand by Dan. She grabbed his ass firmly and
pulled him to her. This woman was all kinds of bad news. If her brother was
anything like her, I was not interested in meeting him.
Finally, the party ended. Austin had stayed casually wrapped around me like
a huge muscular coat all evening, making sure to step between his rival Dan
and I all night. It was a joke, I think.
On the drive home, we discussed our birthday situation. He said he couldn't
come home on his birthday or else he'd have to bring Phoebe with him. Even
though I told him it was OK, he could tell by my hurt expression that it
was not.
"Listen, I'll take the whole weekend of the party off for us. How's that,
baby?" he asked, hoping I wouldn't pout too much. I sighed, reached over,
put my hands on his and said I'd be glad for any Austin time that I could
get.
I knew it was going to be a short night once we got back to the apartment.
He had to be in Gainesville by 8 a.m., so he was going to have to leave no
later than 6. It was 3:30 by the time we walked into my bedroom after
brushing our teeth and getting ready.
As I led us to the bed, Austin began undressing me from behind. I couldn't
help but giggle at his youthful exuberance.
When I was down to his nasty jock, he started laughing. Apparently he
hadn't seen where I'd sewn it together before. I wiggled my ass for him as
I ripped out the stitching and let it fall off me.
"Holy shit! You are one easy piece of ass, Alex!" Austin laughed.
"Too bad it's all wasted on you. Maybe I need to get you some Viagra since
you're getting so old," I said as he walked up, wrapped his arms around me
and ran his hands all over my smooth body, one hand straying to my nipple
and the other fondling my crotch.
As I moaned and laid my head back against his chest, he cupped my crotch
with his hairy forearm and lifted me by it so I slid up his body till I
felt his stubbly chin on the back of my neck.
"Sooooooooo eaaaassssyyyyyy," Austin moaned in my ear. I arched my back
into him and could feel my cock riding up his hairy arm. It surprised me
that my erection didn't prompt a response from him. He stood still for a
few minutes, just kissing the back of my neck and my ears.
When I finally arched my neck around, we started to kiss for real, and
slowly he maneuvered me around to face him. I clamped my feet around the
back of his waist as we kissed deeply.
After a while we broke the kiss and slowly Austin probed my mouth with his
big digit. "I have to leave in two-and-a-half hours... You have to be to
work in 4. We gonna get a few hours sleep or ..."
He slowly withdrew the finger I'd been sucking like a popsicle. I looked at
him and smiled demurely. "Honey, as long as it's with you, I don't care. I
can catch up on my sleep. But you have a long day ahead of you. What would
you like to do?"
Slowly his wet finger began to probe my very exposed hole. I moaned and let
my head fall against him...
"Goooood answer," I moaned into his shoulder.
He walked over to my nightstand. His wet finger became dry quickly, and he
hadn't even gotten past the second joint. A few seconds later, his fingers
were slick with lube, and my hole got prodded all the way to his manly
knuckle.
"If you don't stop soon, your shirt's gunna have cum all over it." I moaned
as he found my prostate and began inserting a second finger.
Slowly Austin began fucking me with his fingers, withdrawing them slowly as
he did so.
"Don't ruin my new shirt, baby," he rasped in my ear.
When his fingers were completely out, he leaned over the bed till I was
touching the mattress and I let go. Then, with the lights still on, he
locked eyes with me and began a slow, intensely erotic strip show.
When his body was no longer marred by clothing, I gasped at his familiar
form made new each time I gazed upon it. His cock was so hard it looked
ready to shoot off like a Roman candle.
There was no sleep that night. I swallowed his five-star cock while he
practiced his new talent, analingus. We both came twice, and spent the last
hour in the shower kissing and petting each other. I told him that, in
truth, he had found a place I believed only fairy tales lived.
I was so happy it scared me. When we'd dried off, he told me to get back in
bed and sleep. But I followed him naked to my front door and kissed him
with a love I hoped would last us both two weeks.
And then he was gone.
I was so far off the ground that I couldn't cry at his departure. I only
felt empty and sad that I couldn't leave with him. As I laid awake over the
next few hours I went over everything that had happened that weekend.
Work was nearly hell that day, though when I told Marika and Ashtin, the
two female co-workers I got along best with, they were oohing and aahing
all through lunch. Even the terminally straight Ian got in on the
conversation.
I didn't tell them Austin's name, but I did mention he was an athlete at a
major university. They covered my ass all day as I plodded along at the
bank.
At home, I went to bed without eating dinner. I awoke about 10:30 to a
phone call. It was Austin, sounding exhausted.
"Hi baby, how was work today?" he asked.
"Hell. But I just had a four-hour nap. How are you feeling?"
"Like I spent an entire weekend making love and fucking instead of
sleeping. Today was hell. I think I'm gonna blow off English tomorrow and
sleep in," he said. He was quiet for a second before adding, "I just wanted
to call and hear your voice. I don't know if you can tell, but I've really
fallen for you, Mr. Johnson."
"Yeah? I think you're just punchy from lack of sleep," I said softly.
"That too, I guess. I wanted to hear your voice before I went to
sleep. Hope I didn't bother too much," he said.
"Nah. Anything for you, babe. If the bill wouldn't kill us, we could sleep
with the receivers up to our ears."
He laughed and told me I was delirious. We talked for a few minutes, then
decided we could make more sense the next day.
We only missed one day talking to each other. He'd gotten so bold he even
called me from Phoebe's room while she was in the lobby doing some sorority
thing.
When we were on the computer, he was split evenly between the horny,
athletic, frat boy exhibitionist and the sweet boy I'd fallen head over
heels with. Which was fine, because I loved them both. Each appealed to
different sides of me.
On the surprisingly chilly morning of April 20th, I arrived at work before
it had even dawned on me what day it was. It wasn't till Ashtin came in and
handed me a "Happy birthday" card that it dawned on me.
"Marika, Ian. Greg, Lucy and I are taking you to lunch today. Happy
birthday," she said.
As I was saying thank you to her, a man walked in carrying a huge bouquet
of three-dozen red roses. He asked our floor supervisor something, and she
pointed to me. I almost fainted. No one had ever done anything like this
for me before.
I couldn't even speak when the guy winked at me and called me a lucky
bitch. It turned out he knew Austin, and that's why he was picked. I
almost fell over when he handed me the roses.
Fortunately, Ashtin helped me stand and tipped the guy. Turning to my co-
workers, she said, "Don't worry guys, I will tell you everything I know
after lunch."
Then she turned to me and said loudly, "And you will tell me allllll about
it over Lunch!!!"
TBC
Thanks guys. I am sorry about the delays. My first computer died, and this
one is 8 years old. I hate to make excuses, but things really have been
crazy lately. Bear with me though. My editor is rabid and is making sure I
keep some kind of a schedule (editor's note: keep the chapters coming so
the fans don't lose interest). Thank him profusely (Thank you, Scott!!!!)
for this chapter...
If you wrote to me before Chapter 5 was published, then I don't have your
addresses or e-mail any longer. So please write me, and let me have them
once again. This time I am printing them out. Smart, huh? For the time
being I can be reached only at BILLYTK69@hotmail.com
Thanks, Billy