Saturday, June 30, 2007

Here's a short shopping list for the newly elected missionary bishops in these dark, hostile, heretical parts:

Mileage Plus Card

Every good bishop has one, as airports can be a favorite haunt. Just don't count on racking up miles flying to Lambeth next year. Rumor has it that the tailwinds over the Atlantic have turned to mighty powerful headwinds due to Global Warming and a gay bishop or two.

Plastic is also a great guarantee against handling the money of the unfaithful.

And don't forget your neck pillow.

Telescoping, SuperStrong™ Fiberglass Crosier (spares recommended)

Better get this one custom-made, guys. Long journeys make traveling light a necessity, and the smaller it collapses, the better.

Plated with the gold plundered from heretics, of course.

Ask for extra strong fiberglass in case you need it to discipline unruly clergy or the occasional disagreeable civil court judge.

And if all the clergy in your jurisdiction have been made bishops, well, get it extra EXTRA strong.

It's said that you can find eager candidates in Panama, but you didn't hear it from me.

Disclaimers:

The author received no compensation nor encouragement whatsoever from United Airlines, Apple, Steve Jobs, Brother Causticus, Bishops Unnamed Ruling in Panama (BURP), Global South Primates, Crosiers Unlimited™, or the Institute for Religion and Democracy for this post.

The requires resort to the author Umberto Eco, who has commented on the theologies of operating systems:

.."Insufficient consideration has been given to the new underground religious war which is modifying the modern world. It's an old idea of mine, but I find that whenever I tell people about it they immediately agree with me.

"The fact is that the world is divided between users of the Macintosh computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers. I am firmly of the opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is Protestant. Indeed, the Macintosh is counter-reformist and has been influenced by the 'ratio studiorum' of the Jesuits. It is cheerful, friendly, conciliatory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed step by step to reach--if not the Kingdom of Heaven-- the moment in which their document is printed. It is catechistic: the essence of revelation is dealt with via simple formulae and sumptuous icons. Everyone has a right to salvation.

"DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free interpretation of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, imposes a subtle hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the idea that not all can reach salvation. To make the system work you need to interpret the program yourself: a long way from the baroque community of revelers, the user is closed within the loneliness of his own inner torment.

"You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe has come to resemble more closely the counter-reformist tolerance of the Macintosh. It's true: Windows represents an Anglican-style schism, big ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the possibility of a return to DOS to change things in accordance with bizarre decisions; when it comes down to it, you can decide to allow women and gays to be priests if you want to...

"And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or environments, if you prefer)? Ah, that is to do with the Old Testament, and is talmudic and cabalistic..."

From the Italian news weekly "Espresso," September 30, 1994 (found at http://www.columbia.edu/~sss31/rainbow/mac-pc.html).

Based on this, the iPhone may be much easier for, say, APA bishops than for those from CANA. On the other hand, to bring together CANA, AMiA, and other African with FIFNA and APA, the Evangelicals may make the concession.

Richard,You brought great delight my way when I came to this post in my daily visit to your site. Thanks for the whimsy, something we need in great quantities these days. Your sometime colleague now living in the wilds of Albuquerque,Paul Strid

2) Make that Prada BOOTS (extra secret compartments in the heels for the heels)...all the better for "preaching down" to others (and/if one could use a little extra height/visiability while appearing to be less lofty/strident).

A compact "Twister" game to workout with in Motel Rooms/Hotel Suites (depending on the economic background of the feardriven and deceived groupies) to maintain flexiability when cornered...also "just in case" reality appears before THEM (fat chance without electroshock treatments or ten years in prison...whichever comes first).

Mirrors. Lots of mirrors. The kind of extra expensive/special lit mirrors that are "flattering" to body and soul.

With many, many apologies to Jenny Joseph (and to answer Grandmere Mimi's question)

When I am an Old Bishop, I shall wear purple. And Red Boots that do not go and do not suit meAnd I shall spend my donations on brandy and summer tripsand satin slippers, and say we've no money for children.I shall sit down on the episcopa when I am tiredand gobble up parishes in other countries and be alarmistAnd run my crozier along the stolen parishesand make up stories about the morality of othersI shall go out in my mitre in the rainand pick the parishes in other people's diocesesand learn to blame it on gays

You can wear purple shirts and grow more fatand eat three pounds of legal briefs at a goor only bread and wine for a weekand hoard parishioners and chasublesand things in boxes

But now we must have clothes that keep us separateand make someone else pay our rent and not swear in the parish halland set a good example for the misguided.We will have only those like us to dinner and serve the others papersBut maybe I ought to practice a little now?So people who did not know of me are shocked and surprisedWhen suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple shirts

Richard, what a marvelous way to re-enter blogland after an even more marvelous CREDO week. (Episcopal clergy: Do NOT neglect to respond YES when invited!) I have often reflected on the huuuuuge number of miles the boyz are racking up, and I sure hope they're keeping track of "partner" miles (not to be confused with any other sort of partnership, to be sure...).Blessings, and thanks for the laughs.

Well, KJ, my Mac seems to love both my wife and I equally, and we wouldn't have it any other way. We do, however, carefully monitor its interactions with strangers, whatever their operating systems. Perhaps we should be especially concerned about Linux, progligate as it is.