The CAP News staff doesn't know much about the National Football League, but that didn't stop us from previewing this weekend's NFL Draft, which begins on Saturday, April 26. Here are our predictions for the first round:

1. Miami: The Dolphins have the first pick, which probably means they were great last year - probably even won the big championship game. Look for them to pick either a large, beefy young man or small, speedy young man who will play football for them this upcoming season. They should win it all again this year.

2. St. Louis: We read rumors online this week that the Rams were going to draft a "wide cornerfront" here. But we don't think that's even a real position, so they could probably use some help with their draft preparatons.

3. Atlanta: We're guessing the best available dog lover will go here.

4. Oakland: Does it really matter?

5. Kansas City: The Chiefs front office is already in negotiations with one of Hershel Walker's personalities: the fast one.

6. N.Y. Jets: The Jets are behind on draft preparations because they've been digging under the Meadowlands to find whatever it is that's been cursing them for the last four decades. We're going to go out on a limb and guess they'll take someone who sucks at this spot.

7. New England: If a new, repaired franchise image drops down to here, they'll take it. However, just back from the spring high school A/V combine, they'll likely use this pick to select a new videographer.

8. Baltimore: We have no idea who the Ravens will pick, but their receptionist told us everyone was watching old Dancing With The Stars reruns to find the next Emmit Smith.

9. Cincinnati: So many background checks to do, so little time - why bother?

10. New Orleans: We found out that the Saints are looking to package this pick and "some slightly water-damaged" seats from the Superdome in a draft day trade for an experienced cornerback who "might stay healthy for a handful of games."

11. Buffalo: Whoever the team selects should sign quickly. The Bills have already announced plans to replace their rookie signing bonus with a credit redeemable at Eliot Spitzer's Emperor's Club VIP.

12. Denver: Wouldn't it be great if NFL commissioner Roger Goodell hid an "immunity idol" somewhere before the draft, and then whichever team found it would get to move up to the first pick in the next round. Wouldn't that be exciting? It's Amazing Race meets Survivor at the Draft. Oh, and we have no idea who the Broncos will pick.

13. Carolina: We're guessing the Panthers will take someone who can squat a lot of weight.

14. Chicago: The Bears are looking for help at several positions, so they will address one of those issues with this pick.

15. Detroit: We spoke to Lions general manager Matt Millen this week and he told us not to worry, he's already found what he's looking for: that seventh-round gem that he'll steal in the first round.

16. Arizona: The Cardinals will take a punter in each of the first three rounds.

SATIRE

Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «» New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest «» Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money «» Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth" «» Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated «» New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»

Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «» New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest «» Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money «» Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth" «» Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated «» New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»