We treasure this fine piece characterized by its strong neotenous quality. Created by the 4th Earl of Dunraven when he was just 18 years old, it depicts his beloved recently deceased Arabian stallion, Kaseem, after a botched taxidermy job. Sadly, this painting is the only record that remains of the great stud after the stuffed specimen was attacked and devoured by a plague of dermestid beetles in London’s Museum of Natural History. You may ask how we came to possess this Victorian jewel, but we must occasionally protect our sources.

K.L.

“Maiden In the Waterfall”

Amorexia Lovelorn, 2002

Acrylic on canvas

In this homage to the great William-Adolphe Bouguereau, the artist Lovelorn has recreated a timeless mood of sylvan seclusion as the wide shouldered nymph waits expectantly for her wild satyr to arrive. Fresh from the salon her graceful hand glistens with crimson tips. Tonight the forest will echo with the cries of sensuality and forbidden love .

K.L.

“The Uptown Train”

Bikyerd Smith, 2013

Pneumo toxic pastel on paper

The subway train is late again. Commuters are in various stages of anxiety and frustration. Five have disintegrated into dusty little poofs of color. The air conditioning is broken so everyone has understandably taken off their clothes. The train is nowhere in sight and the tracks have vanished. The artist paints himself as a helpless torso in agonized supplication, beseeching the subway authorities to send a train soon -- or at least a big earthworm for them to ride to their next exit. But, in the distance blind and squeaking, a giant Sub-Saharan Mole Rat moves toward them. The situation looks bleak.

K.L.

“Gnome Baby Poser”

Dottie Dhurna, 1910

Elastomeric Stucco on canvas

This one of a kind historic piece was fortuitously rescued from the trash dumpster of a lawn gnome retirement community on the outskirts of Columbus, Ohio. It is believed to be a childhood portrait of the famous garden dwarf revolutionary leader, Duci Dhurna, who was known for his command of their nationwide militant strike in the mid to late 1930’s. Protesting against the cruel harassment and outright disdain directed at them, their issues included, but were not limited to: dogs urinating on them, being left outside during inclement weather, forced to wear peeling coats of paint, dressed up as racial stereotypes and tp’d by drunken teenagers. This demeaning portrait of baby Duci shows him clothed in work boots, white tights and clown hat as he wistfully dreams of better times when all gnomes will unite to throw off the chains of lawn kitsch servitude and proudly join the works of the great sculptors such as Rodin, Michelangelo and X Martin Schambley III.

K.L.

“Kewpie Doll Waits For Exhausted Rabbit to Recharge”

Ffej Snook, 1981

Oil on canvas

The artist Snook says this painting ‘opened a door’ for him. “It removed the anxiety obstacle for me. The more anxiety you remove, the easier it is to make that gesture. Remove it first in the artist and then it can go out to other people and make it all so close. So you get access to confidence and trust and everything is available. This painting gave me so many neat ideas. And I guess that all the money’s been cool too.”

K.L., J.O.

“View From the Deck/It’s So Pretty”

Rattle Breedy, 2012

Acrylic on canvas

We are guessing this work is a Hawaiian landscape or maybe Vermont in 500 years. Regardless, it raises a slew of unanswered questions: The coffee is cold, so what has happened to the drinker? Has he leapt to his death on the lava rocks below? Has he run to the bathroom and is now deep into his emails on the toilet? Or is he having loud sex in the bedroom behind us? We don’t know and we never will for Christ’s sake! And it’s a shame to waste a perfectly good cup of Kona coffee. That shit’s expensive, you know.

K.L.

“Empyrean Surf Queen”

Columbina Amidine aka Lebism, 1998

Acrylic on canvas

Here we see a cosmic surfing goddess serenely hanging 10 on the majestic purple waves of an everlasting curl. They surge and roll beneath her feet as the earth peeps like a voyeur from an infinite sea of atmospheric churning. Proudly wearing her flamboyant feather boa like a Las Vegas showgirl, she holds a shark zapper stick thingy and displays a glass-fronted washing machine in her abdomen. It seems that the waters of this artistic vision are very deep indeed. But we must not be too concerned; for there is a possibility that it all means absolutely nothing.

Ms. Fixpleaz the artist has attempted to document her fleeting, opium-induced dreams in this undoubtedly symbolic work. We observe a yellow shrouded reclining woman threatened by crashing waves that may sweep her away or erode her little by little. The sunflower, normally a symbol of optimistic fecundity, is no longer a part of her wasted life. It is a muted gray thing in shadow, slowly fading from the left side of the canvas. Hanging above everything, ubiquitous, all-powerful and - judging with cold lizard like detachment - are the giant eyes of Authority. The cool hues that dominate the painting bind it all together in one big depressing mess.

K.L.

“Crime Scene Revisited”

Perri Mason Marston, 1985

Acrylic on canvas

Having escaped the cave like room where she was held captive, Grandma clutched the rail and descended crablike down the stairs. The worried pumpkin watched in silent witness as the old lady had “stumbled”, piling up in a quiet, boney heap at the bottom. When finally found, both their rotten spots had exponentially grown.

K.L.

“La Danse de la Vie”

Fleur de Lys Fontaneau, 1986

Oil on stretched glycolyptically sized Huguenot linen

The great artist Fontaneau offers a philosophical commentary on the grand folly that we call life. In this painting one can almost hear the gay laughter of the 18th century French revelers as they with hands fused at the wrist, whirl around the polished floor to the frenetic tunes of harpsichord and violin. The women, dressed in bile green, dairy queen swirl skirts and looking like fresh apple dolls, smile grotesquely at the bewigged wooden legged men. The banner refers to ancient Arcadia, but this is not Virgil’s imaginary idyllic paradise. We find instead a thinly disguised observation of our earth bound human existence rich with the blight and blessings inherent therein. When the music stops and one is without a chair, it’s time to exit the dance.

K.L., J.O.

“The Pigeon Handler”

Jojo Cracko, 1998

Acrylic on canvas board

The legendary six-fingered fly by reach around (SFFBRA), depicted in this painting is the hottest topic at Millennial cocktail parties today. As a popular social commentator and spokesman for that generation, our artist Jojo Cracko wields his brush with a charm and devil may care know-how that immediately captivates and challenges even the indifferent art viewer. This particular type of SFFBRA sports two thumbs and gripping bird talons for any stabilization issues that may arise once the bucking starts. And for future research and study, Jojo has added a combined myopic eye/video camera nestled in the palm of the hand that can document a bird’s eye view of the fleshy friction slip and slide. Ladies, be sure to keep a look out for this low flying bird that is ready to lend a neighborly helping hand to those in need.

While introducing Joan Baez, the great impresario Bill Graham realizes his right hand has morphed into a German Shepherd paw and his nostril is now big enough to shelter a small Shetland pony.

K.L.

“Bride of Frankenstein’s’ Dance Academy”

Septimus Victorious, 1968

Oil on canvas board

It’s a classy place – witness the crystal chandelier illuminating the stalactites/chopped cabbage hanging from the cave ceiling. Not just anyone can take dance lessons here. Standards are high and one applicant has been banished into the red desert where she has been reduced to a pillar of salt. The “bride” assertively elbows her way onto the floor as the graceful dancer on the powder blue half shell beams with joyful abandonment. They are unaware of the massive spider approaching to inject his liquefying venom before hoovering their guts out.

In a deep trance state the artist Mugmoe returns to the vision that invariably haunts him after dining on his favorite steak tartare. In the dream his Neanderthal tribe violently overwhelms a neighboring Homo sapiens clan. The battle is brief and brutish; screaming women and bundles of reindeer jerky are taken as well as a coveted Dark Souls III video game. In this painting the attackers’ faces seem troubled – revealing that even human subspecies fear divine retribution and the consequences of not having wiped out all of the spear throwing, big browed geeks.

K.L.

“Ripping It Bro”

Wanda Wahine, 2008

Acrylic on canvas

At the takeoff, in the barrel, looking at the soup - Dude! It’s all about the waves!

K.L.

“The Cliffs of No Where, No Way”

Dame Dede Smattery, 1986

Acrylic on masonite board

Subscribing to the theory of, “If I just throw enough paint at the canvas, it’s bound to eventually hang together,” we see nature here, in shorthand - abbreviated, stylized, simplified, brutalized. What took millions of years to develop is “captured” in an afternoon or possibly a day or two with execrable dry daubs of clumsily layered pigments, vaguely resembling cliffs and trees and sky; all of this on top of an under drawing whose corpselike rigidity results in yet another gilded turd masquerading as a landscape painting. I guess this means we gave it two thumbs down.

K.L.

“Lance’s Limbo Lingam”

Homerze Hardlithair, 1998

Oil on canvas panel

She showed him a shapely leg and her new yellow shoe and all he could do was hold his breath and swell up like a stained glass frog. Amused, others observed him from the sidelines gripping his face in anguished embarrassment and preparing for the imminent gut-spewing explosion. Suddenly from his unzipped pants sprang a rigid 5-foot black pole. Limbo dance music blasted from the p.a. system and his humiliation was complete.

K.L.

“The Dewlips Method”

Freeman Dewlips, 2012

Acrylic on canvas

Having denied himself sleep for 9 days and existing on nothing but high colonic enemas of espresso and Tropical Punch Gatorade, our artist has created this unique work of unparalleled vision. Dewlips used a double fisted approach to his work, thereby doubling his output and perhaps pioneering a new technique in contemporary painting. The resulting piece emanated from a netherworld demesne where complete physical breakdown and creative output had merged. When asked how he accomplished such a beautiful landscape he said, “I did it just to find out what kind of crazy shit I would see. It was like earth sounds that came out of my pelvic chakra– all jacked up and glowing like wild terra vibes coming right at me, man. And it told me man, that it’s going on all the time and we just don’t know it. This shit is real man! And I have this painting to prove it. Even the little trees know it, cause they are tuned into the vibes too. They’re all going like, ‘Whoa! What’s happening here? Our photosynthesis is peakin’ man!’ Sometimes it felt like I was channeling for van Gogh - you know, man, all his colors and little houses and farms and shit.”

K.L.

“Recovered From Trash”

Some directionless high school stoner student, 2010

Acrylic and drool on canvas

Homework - smoked a joint

Found some paint and messed around

Wait...! Was that my phone?

K.L.

“Hefty Table Holds a Holy Heifer”

Wendell Olafson, 2001

Ceramic plaque

Saint Bessie the barnyard bovine bravely storms the farm kitchen and climbs onto the dinner table. She is offered fresh alfalfa and then lead away to be milked, but not until after she has made an impassioned, barely intelligible speech demanding the return of Barnie the bull to the pasture and the planetary benefits of a vegetarian lifestyle.

K.L.

“Holy Man With Important Icons”

Bosco Besitz, 2003

Acrylic on 14 pound plywood support with most excellent recyclable eye hooks

Attracted to the solemn gravity of this work and feeling the magnetic pull of the shaman’s white eyes, we dream about smoking the peace pipe and sharing his visionary powers. He exists in a place where emerging dirt turtles, pointing bald eagles in trees, floating legless fairies playing lacrosse, large Greek Quonset huts, giant stylized dandelions and shouting Old West pioneers live. We see all of this and we want to be there too. His blue glowing backpack is an entry port for the ultra high energy cosmic rays (aka UHECRs) he channels, which he then dispenses in Ziploc plastic bags on Wednesday afternoon between 2 and 4 behind the 7-11 at the north end of town to those born on the third Thursday of the month.

K.L.

“Po-Po Hits the Wall”

Nixie Reilly, 2001

An infusion of mashed carrot tea on Brawny paper towels

The doctor had warned Po-Po against a strict, carrots only diet. But being a clown, he just laughed it off.

K.L.

“Niagara Fails With String Theory Fall Back” (Front)

Ralph Waldo Gerickson, 1968

Tinted oatmeal on plywood, acrylic knitting yarn, nails

Our artist admits that the reason he tried to paint the famous waterfall was because he did not have the courage to go over it in a barrel. We give him credit for having at least ventured into the rare and extremely difficult field of painting with oatmeal. But Discouraged with his effort, Gerickson, turned the piece over and used the flip side (see next image) to create one of the first models for the burgeoning new theoretical framework called bosonic string theory.

K.L.

“Niagara Fails With String Theory Fall Back” (Back)

Ralph Waldo Gerickson, 1968

Tinted oatmeal on plywood, acrylic knitting yarn, nails

Here Gerickson, has turned the piece over and used the flip side of his failed waterfall (see previous image) to create one of the first models for the burgeoning new theoretical framework called bosonic string theory. Unfortunately, his fellow physicists Hawking, Feynman, et al, rejected his ideas while making it clear that blue string is the only possible color to be used in any future models of one-dimensional objects and that the Letter “G” shape appeared somewhat biased. Unfazed, Gerickson continued his work and has since made significant inroads with his research in the field of cessation of the cessation of the 5 senses while breaking on through to the other side and simultaneously searching for terminal gamma-ray flashes that are emitted from primordial black holes. We are honored to retain such a highly technical artwork in our collection.

K.L.

“The Death of Birth”

Edibidac Brown, 1985

Poster paint on cardboard

In this painting the artist’s psyche is laid bare for all to see as he embraces his hidden fears in a highly symbolic effort that speaks to us about the death of the American dream: the glowing, relic–like, blue egg represents society’s long cherished, democratic freedoms, and the deeply buried dagger, oozing blood from a single wound, represents our species' fatal shortcomings. The red man, as humanity’s collective higher conscience (some say the artist himself) reverently kneels, tenderly holding the mortally wounded noble experiment.

K.L.

"Cathedral Spire on the Moon as Giant Peach Looms on Horizon"

Prentis Mulford, 1969

Oil on canvas

J.C.

“Tankin It”

B. Sava, 1996

Crushed Necco Wafers on canvas

The mellow pastel pallet of this work initially speaks of calm serenity, but closer examination reveals a treacherously turbulent undercurrent. Barely concealed is a high school biatch on the verge of a torrent of nasty verbal vitriol. The pinwheel eyes signal a berserker binge brewing and her split personality is reflected in two mismatched facial halves. A cautionary right hand is raised in warning as a left green flipper presses against her temple, perhaps to ward off “like OMG! another friggin migraine.” We take note of a delicately rendered, purple cabbage ear, but the lack of a another one may mean she is listening only half the time.

This work is just one in a profoundly thoughtful series by the artist Sauvage-Blanca. All of them merge the dynamic and often polar worlds of mansicular granulation and flaccid truspifaction while exploring the abstract idea of a cerebrally generated cosmos versus a materialistic crepuscular croprastitution. In this painting, we see a fractured glassive pane (the cosmic aperture) presumably leading to the macadamization of a geological terrazone that travels from near to far as observed by a miniature blue clad body whose dorsal and volar surfaces are stabilized by a stolagtitic victor vector. If we are befuddled by this desolate manscape, we should be; for its true meaning is far, far beneath most of us mere mortals.