Forget what the other threads have been saying. This week’s Comments of the Week are all from the news that Ben Affleck is the next Batman. If Star Wars VII rumors are poison (and they are), then scenes from FilmDrunk’s collectively imaginary Southie Batman are the antidote. Commenters, you have made the internet a better place. You have spoiled me as a reader and raised the bar for every site in cyberspace, but here are those who did it best:

“Mr. Wayne! Care to comment on why you and the Batman are never in the same place at the same time?”

“BECAUSE I’M THE FACKIN BATMAN, YOU RETAHD.”

[gasps and flash bulbs abound]

“ANY OF YOU GAYLORDS SEEN MY CAH? IT’S LAWNG, BLACK AND FACKIN FIYAH SHOOTS OUT THE BACK?”

Stinky Pete: YOU KNOW WHAT KEEPE ME GOIN’, CLAHK?! THE THAWT THAT ONE DAY I’M GANNA WAWK UP TA YA FAWTRESS OF SAWLITUDE, AND YOU AIN’T THEAH. YA JUST TOOK OFF TO SAHM WICKED FAH PLANET AH SOME SHIT LIKE THAT. […] YOU GAWT A WINNIN’ LAWTERY TICKET, CLAWK. IF YAW STILL WAHKIN AT THAT FAHKIN PAYPAH IN FIVE YEAHS, I’LL SHOVE A PIECE A KRYPTONITE SO FAH UP YAWR ASS PEOPLE AH GONNA THINK YAW A QWAHTZ FAHKIN WATCH.

[…]

HEY BRUCE, DO YOU LIKE APPLES?

* kills his mother and father *

WELL HOW DO YA LIKE THEM APPLES?!

Incredible Tulk: With this casting choice, I will find it difficult to believe anything other than Bruce’s parents killing themselves.

There are no winners; you are all heroes today. As the days pass and your glory becomes legend, remember to keep your wits about you, and nominate your favorite comments of the week in the comments section of this very thread. For next week, the winner will receive a poorly photoshopped scene of their choosing (description limited to 140 characters). Or I will be lost in the desert without internet.

I hate that I missed the first annual National Affleck-Batman day at Filmdrunk. F it, I’m still going to go with it.

YOU WANT DETAILS? FOINE. I DROIVE A TUMBLAH, 355 BATHMOBILE. WAT’S AWP? I HAVE A RIDICULOUS HOWSE IN THA BACK BAY. I GOT ALL DEM WONDERFUL TOYS DA JOKAH WAS JEALOUS OF. AND BEST OF ALL KIDS, I AM BATMAN.

Ragnarok: “This is actually a pretty serious issue the hits pretty damn close to home for me. A few years back I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express and enjoyed the benefit of their free continental breakfast… Only maybe a little too much. You see I not only grabbed three or four muffins for breakfast but, because they were individually packaged in plastic, I also grabbed another four or five to have throughout the day. While it did help me save a bit by skipping lunch I hadn’t counted on what about eight bran muffins would do to my insides. When I was finally (!) able to take a dump two days later the denseness of the poop-log made my bowel movement agonizing. “Shit-a-brick” had always just been an expression to me but now I knew the horrors of what that saying implied. I could’ve sworn the friction of it passing through me had dragged a couple of feet of lower intestine out of my ass. So, needless to say, I sympathize with Mr. Feldman and the pain he must be going through.”

Ragnarok: “Wow…

Hey – OK, I just re-read the article which, I admit, I brushed through too quickly the first time.

It turns out this wasn’t about Fiber Bullying as I first thought and I would ask Your Onion that my previous testimony be stricken from the record.”

Al: Do you consider yourself a humanist? “I’m pretty human. I think so.”

Fek: Are you a florist? “I LIKE FLOWERS!”

Larry: No “ist” means you hate something. Like, “racist” or “Istanbul.”
Do you consider yourself a botanist? “I like it in the bot!”

Stallonewolf in particular had some fun with this.
Do you consider yourself a socialist? “I’m fun at parties. I think so.”
Do you consider yourself a pacifist? “Only when that little bastard won’t stop crying.”
Do you consider yourself a terrorist? “There was some rectal terroring, sure.”

Patty Boots “Do you consider yourself a racist?” I can be pretty racy. I think so.”

Ace Rimmer’s offering was also lovely.
“So what, what’s wrong with being sexy?”
“Sex-ist.”
She’s like a less self-aware Nigel Tufnel.

I Danger Guerrerro-love everything about this girl. I may be giving too much credit to these commentors.

I do feel like Fek’s caps lock really captures the spirit and intellect of this young lady, but Larry’s Istanbul is also quite fabulous.

I’m on board. And you’re right about World being a nightmare, Vince. The one time I went all I saw were morbidly obese people in Rascal scooters, dual-wielding turkey legs like a diabetic John Woo movie hero.

The Mighty Feklahr fervently hopes no one has a patent on cockpunching robots yet!!!

Larry

Fuuuuuck, “that’s why I get to write the movies” is the weakest of comebacks. A *lot* of people get to write movies. Seltzer and Friedberg don’t make me feel inadequate. Aaron Sorkin keeps getting to write TV shows, and he needs a visit from the cockpunching robot posthaste.

Unfortunately I used to follow FilmDrunk. Not anymore. You really showed yourself to be absolutely devoid of class, Vince. Gold teeth are the result of lengthy and painful root canals. I am sure she was uncomfortable. In the end her dentist was 1k richer. Your comments were hateful. So disappointed.

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RagAxle

Just because their teeth are gold doesn’t mean they’re not red blooded americans just like you or I!