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Seek, and ye shall find ! I was facing a case of writer's block for blog posts when I came across a funny awards function. And, I realised my post had just waltzed in by itself. But before, I go into further detail, first let me wash away grains from your memories, because it is my belief, that at some stage, all of you have heard of the original Stella Liebeck, by her claim to fame, if not by name.

Stella Liebeck, aged 79 in 1992, spilled a cup of Mc Donald's coffee on her lap when her grandson stopped the car she was in to allow her to put cream and sugar in her coffee. She went on to sue Mc Donald's for the resulting burns.. and the kicker ? She won! $ 2.9 million dollars in damages, for spilling a cup of coffee over herself.It is from this, that the STELLA AWARDS arose for the best of frivolous cases. More than a decade old now, these awards are a true show, as far as I see, of how much we have evolved..or devolved.

December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow wasMs. Robertson's son.October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.2002 :Utah prison inmate Robert Paul Rice, serving 1-15 years on multiple felonies, sued the Utah Department of Corrections claiming the prison was not letting him practice his religion: "Druidic Vampire". Rice claimed that to do that, he must be allowed sexual access to a "vampress". In addition, the prison isn't supplying his specific "vampiric dietary needs" (yes: blood). The suit was thrown out.

Winner 2002 :sisters Janice Bird, Dayle Bird Edgmon and Kim Bird Moran sued their mother's doctors and a hospital after Janice accompanied her mother, Nita Bird, to a minor medical procedure. When something went wrong, Janice and Dayle witnessed doctors rushing their mother to emergency surgery. Rather than malpractice, their legal fight centered on the "negligent infliction of emotional distress" -- not for causing distress to their mother, but for causing distress to them for having to see the doctors rushing to help their mother. The case was fought all the way to the California Supreme Court, which finally ruled against the women.

#7 in 2005 :Bob Dougherty. A prankster smeared glue on the toilet seat at the Home Depot store in Louisville, Colo., causing Dougherty to stick to it when he sat down. "This is not Home Depot's fault," he proclaimed, yet the store graciously offered him $2,000 anyway. Dougherty complained the offer is "insulting" and filed suit demanding $3 million.

Winner 2005 :Christopher Roller of Burnsville, Minn. Roller is mystified by professional magicians, so he sued David Blaine and David Copperfield to demand they reveal their secrets to him -- or else pay him 10 percent of their lifelong earnings, which he figures amounts to $50 million for Copperfield and $2 million for Blaine. The basis for his suit: Roller claims that the magicians defy the laws of physics, and thus must be using "godly powers" -- and since Roller is god (according to him), they're "somehow" stealing that power from him.

Moral of the stories : Keep your eyes open. You're probably a minute away from a million dollars, if only you know where to look. Opportunity isn't a turn away. It's probably in the next coffee you're served. Ask Stella. Oh, and beware of robbers too. Heaven forbid, they get hurt escaping.

Comedy comes easily to me. I don't know. Maybe its decades of sitcoms. I've never struggled to make spoofs, plays or just be an ass!! But there are genres I do wish I had the guts to try out - BROKEN ROADS cannot be classified under any such category as it was just a scream..but the one genre I'm almost scared to try because of the risk of falling flat is always Horror.Which is why when I came across a typical prayer scene in a Malayalam channel, and my mind started thinking up variations , I thought I'd give it a shot.CHASING AUGUST is that attempt at a new form of story telling...for me atleast. While it appeared to be quite small when I started off,I quickly realised that in all the buildup, this was gonna get really long. Eventually I had to 'cut it down' to 5 chapters. This is as close as you guys get to dog-earing Godyears!Anyway,Hope you enjoy it. And please post your opinions here only rather than at each chapter..Happy reading. Or perhaps not.

This is actually an old email joke but while going through my archives, I found it hilarious enough to give it a rebirth here. Starring 2 world favourites - Saddam and the Punjabi !!

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang."Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh fromPhagwara, District Kapurthala. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!""Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big isyour army""Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,mycousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight"Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in myarmy waiting to move on my command.""Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again."Mr. Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!""And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Saddam asked.Well, we have twocombines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh,! ! that I have 16,000 tanks and4,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to1-1/2 million since we last spoke.""Oh teri ....." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough,Gurmukh rang again the next day."Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple ofshotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four schoolpass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tellyou, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!""Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day. "Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.""I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart ?""Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!"Rumor has it Saddam was catatonic for a month after that.

Hi. The present owner of this blog is missing in action so I guess it's up to me to keep the posts coming. My name's Ruby..I'm a 5'2(cms),Indian babe.Along with deep brown eyes,I have a cute long nose,an amazing blonde mane of hair..oh ya.That's me in the pic.
Well, I know how boring it must be listening to the owner ( I call him HE-WHO-HAS-NO-BUSHY-TAIL) rant on and on about everything under the sun. I also know that he keeps mentioning how blessed I am to be in 'his house' cause I'm treated like a Princess. Well, it's time the truth came out.

A dog's life is hard, you know. Sleeping in the master bedroom besides the 'the-NICE-TAILLESS-ONES", I'm always at risk of getting stamped on when they wake up. There are nights when I don't even get my second blanket and have to make do with just the one.And the food ? There are some days I dont even get mooooo/baaaa meat!! There can't be a shortage..Heck,I see the damn HORNy-ONES walking past the gate daily. I'll drag the damn things in, if thats the problem.
Anyway, coming to today..there I was minding my own business when along comes the MAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE. Don't get me wrong.He's nice and all, but there are times when a dog needs her own private time, you know.I tried hiding but somehow he found me. I don't get it. I hide in the perfect dark spot still there he is a second later.A magician, really.

Anyway,we sat down to watch Tv.I'm not much of a Tv fan. It's just sound and flickering lights to me.But I wasn't ready to let him have the couch all to himself..sure, I'd be willing to share.He can be very persuasive- especially with that cane in his hand.So there I was,drifting off to zzzland when suddenly it happened.I heard a sound emanating from the kitchen. I turned around..ow ow. neck sprain. No wait. There it was again. I'd heard the fridge door open.

Confirmatory test ..sniffffffff! Oh yah!! Sweet smell of Fooood!! Wriggling out of the MAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE's paws, I encountered the WOMAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE in the kitchen.Shame on her. She was trying to eat without giving me my share..Duh!Do these TAILLESS ONES really imagine they can get past me?I mean, do you think these noses are meant to be an umbrella holder? We smell 50 times stronger than you!!! Why do you forget the basics! Anyway, I asked her politely..my paw on her right paw. She thinks I'm shaking hands. Actually, I'm just making sure she can't use that paw to put food in her mouth. It's easy to fool humans once you learn the art.

She shared her food. They all do,in the end. What can I say..I'm irresistable. Anyway, it was some mooooo/baaaa meatless thing, but I still ate. As our great Kennel club Communist CHAIRMAN BOW once said - 'Bide your time and meat will come'.Not eactly a clasic, but hey! He died of rabies,Dog bless his soul, so what did you expect? Shakespeare??

Anyway, once dinner was over,it was time for PLAN-B. Dessert. Damn. The WOMAN-NICE-TAILLESS-ONE wasn't having any. I tried whining. It's an age old ploy.Sometimes you have to go with the classics.She looked at me..I did the 'your paw on my paw' routine and wagged my tail..that's my sign that I'll be good ( ya right,till the meal ends!!! )

She started doing something on the table. I could hear her ...ummm, maybe mooo meat ? A whole baaa-meat ? 2 ? My imagination ran wild...'Hey!Hey! You want some help up there? You want me to hold it's legs down?"

She didn't answer. That's something funny I noticed too. You expect us to understand when you TAILLESS ones speak..yet when we speak, you hardly ever mind us. What's the deal with that? Just one Dr Doolittle in a populaton full of ya! I tried bringing up the issue with the SPCA & in Kennel Club meetings...but not one human understands what I'm saying. And it's sad,you know. Because we have the answers to all the questions in the universe ( we're not just a pretty face, no sirreee ) entrusted to us by HE-WHO-RULES-THE-SKIES-AND-MAKES-TREES-WE-PEE-ON. ( It's a long name, but then, which species has a person named THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE??) What do you think we're doing at midnight howling our asses off..revising, of course!!

Finally! The sound of something hitting the water tub up there where she cleans dishes. That can mean only one thing..she's finished my dish. I started wagging again at full speed. Wag..wag wag..wag wag wag. It always makes them happy seeing me wag my tail. I hear for humans its the same everywhere- whether its my butt or J Lo's, they love to see it shake..but thats a different story. She put the food in a plate and I sniffed..waita minute!! No! Snifffffff!! No way! I looked at the contents.

Bread, butter, jam?? Are you kidding me? Do I look like a cat!?!Who do you think I am ? HE-WHO-HAS-NO-BUSHY-TAIL!!?! I won't eat this muck. I considered biting her..but naa, I settled for just stopping the tail wag. After all, there'll be meat tomorrow.There'd better be. Or else, she'd find her neatly folded clothes in front of the yard.Again. I mean, I work day and night as guard dog, roll over, chase bugs and mice and jump hoops..and this is the thanks I get. I'd brought up the issue with my neighbour Brownie and he told me not to feel bad. It seems humans do the same thing. Something about a show called Fear Factor..whatever that is.

And so, I headed back to my guard station..That was a few hours ago.Its almost midnight now and I have to be online at 2am. Yes, we do surf the net..and yes, that's what we've been doing when you see us come out of the computer room. Who else did you think ordered the "Best of Lassie" DVDs for $78.95/- only? Just because you guys don't wanna know the right answers to the universal questions (what is life ? where did we come from ? Is there life on other planets ? Why did the chicken cross the road ? How many Buddhist monks does it really take to fix a bulb ? What happened to Mamta Kulkarni ? ) doesn't mean we mustn't spread the answers to others who do.
How do we do it..simple. Make a fake id and login to orkut of course. Then spread the word in different breeds (what you guys call communities ). It seems to work. People actually believe I'm a hot oriental with big ears..which is partly true, I guess. Though they wonder about my likes ( smelly, hairy animals ?), dislikes ( taking a bath ? ) and favourite books ( they all taste the same).

Anyway,till it becomes 2am, I guess I'll stick to my "so called" main duties.. to be the guardian of this mansion, defender against mice, protector of the NICE-TAILLESS-ONES, saviour of the zzzz.....

Sigh.. Another boring week gone by. Watching TV. Old reruns of Will n Grace etc. Dvds. Not much else..Oh ya!! I almost forgot. I was held hostage by terrorists for nearly a week.

Of course, I'm being egoistic. The whole of Mangalore was held hostage..for the honour of 2 cows.Dictionary.com defines a terrorist as 'a person who terrorizes or frightens others' and a hostage as : 'a prisoner who is held by one party to insure that another party will meet specified terms'

That pretty much describes what we had going here since Wednesday night. Heck, Wednesday itself was a bandh over the 'Belgaum belongs to whom' issue. And then, Wednesday night, comes the infamous chase scene where the cattle going to the abattoir were intercepted by India's version of the JUSTICE LEAGUE - the Bajrang Dal. Oh wait, I'm supposed to use 'alleged' when I have no proof ( proof= a letter from them admitting to doing illegal activities..) Anyway, not happy after chasing down the vehicle carryong the animals, the League 'allegedly' decided this was a good excuse to go attack anyone they saw who looked Muslim. And so began this ridiculous saga.

TV channels talk of how ' the situation was under control ' on Friday night..the 1st report given to the Indian public..48 hours after the clashes began. They talk about how violence broke out between 2 fundamentalist groups. You know something ? 'You can fool some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time..but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.'

A clash between 2 fundamentalist communities? A cat chasing a mouse is not called a clash of 2 species. It is a hunter chasing the prey. That is what was taking place in Mangalore this week. This was our Justice League trying to get a foothold into Mangalore using the only tactics they know - violence.

I dont care what my religion says - a cow is not worth the life of all of us, irrespective of religion. It was not worth the 1000s of families stranded with no food and scavenging behind closed shutters for overpriced stale chapatis. I know. I was one of them this time.

For those 3rd rate, jobless, illiterate, pay-per-riot morons,we sat with our hands on our asses. We watched the police and the blue brigade all roll by warning us against stepping onto the streets ( the shoot at site orders helped make that decision easier ).Dr Shaffi, my batchmate, was part of a group praying in a mosque, who found that awaiting their exit from the mosque were a 100 odd Justice Leagues with hockey sticks and swords. Not for terrorists or bank robbers..for the doctors, engineers, architects inside who had gone to break their fast. It took a locked door and the arrival of the police to get the families back to their home.Dr Ramna, another close friend, was part of the team of doctors on call in Ullal, the worst affected area, where patients came 'with broken bones and a huge stab wound on his scalp' to quote her. Passengers for a flight back to Dubai who tried making the flight by travelling in an ambulance to the airport were stopped and killed mercilessly on the road. And yet, the news channels told us 'the situation was under control'

Everyone knows who's behind this. The police near where I lived admitted,sorry, allegedly, admitted the presence of just one group with weapons around the scene.This ain't good enough!! I want answers. Why were we held hostage for 6 days ? Why were all the layers of society reduced to hunting and fighting for food on Sunday when the curfew was relaxed for 2 hours? Why was I reduced to having chewing gum for dinner on Thursday just because I was asleep at 3pm when all the shops were forced shut? Why were students in hostels on the outskirts stranded with no food for 2 days? Why is the media and politicians so impotent when it comes to belling this wild cat ?Oh F%$* it!! Just because they won't admit it doesn't mean we have to shut up. I know what happened here- the whole of Mangalore knows what happened here.As I write this, I just got a call from Siddu informing me the bandh ain't over yet - just a relaxation till the evening and so I have to get back to my one-room jail for the 7th night night straight.Mark these words - 15 years from now, we, India, will be hunted by the superpower of that day for making the same mistake Afghanistan made. Giving power to a bunch of jobless fanatics who use religion to promote hatred. They will bite more than they can chew...and we will have to pay.For now, after 7 days, hearing the sounds of buses is a sweet symphony. But I must get back by 7pm.. Cinderella's carriage may have changed into a pumpkin at midnight..but if I'm on the streets tonight, my transportation will be an ambulance.By God, when this is over, I'm gonna go and 'allegedly' get myself the biggest beef steak I can find. Might as well go down happy!!

The following excerpts were intercepted from a Yahoo Messenger conference by an alert group of jobless humanitarians calling themselves the Brit & US truth team comprising of Realists against Conspirators & Killers ( BUtt cRaCK, in short ). BUtt cRaCK is looking to sell the below conference between two famous Asian Leaders so that they can pilfer the profits and buy that villa in the Cayman islands they've been dreaming about all their lives. Here for the first time worldwide, is that exclusive conference with NO EDITING!!

Conference :MushyWushy: You there?SardarPM: [ angry smiley ]MushyWushy: What's wrong ?SardarPM: Not fair. You're cheating again.MushyWushy: Here we go again. Now what?SardarPM: We had evidence against you in the recent bomb blastings. And again you're saying it's baseless. Didn't we just go to South America and decide to have a joint anti-terror team. Still you keep doing the opposite once we get home ?MushyWushy: Chill man,Chill. See, you keep giving me flimsy evidence. Give me solid proof.SardarPM: Chalo. you tell me, what is solid proof ?MushyWushy: Ummm..what d'ya have?SardarPM: How about a confession from our prisoners?MushyWushy: Please. Gimme a break man. We'd deny it even before he finishes his statement. C'mon. We've been doing it for years.SardarPM: How about fingerprints on bomb and gun debris?MushyWushy: Naaa...my CSI: Lahore team would kick your CSI:Delhi butts in a courtroom. And they're cuter too.SardarPm: MMS clips of the terrorists making plans?MushyWushy: Altered.SardarPm: brb.MushyWushy: okSardarPm: Wife's online in next room. She'd come with pakodas. you want?MushyWushy:No thanks.Give my regards to her.SardarPm: As if I'd give you pakodas if you asked. [ :P ]MushyWushy: [:)]SardarPm: She's asking Mrs Mush to come online. She needs comany for the FIFA 2006 Asian Online Gaming tournament.MushyWushy: ok. hold on.MushyWushy: done. She's online.She keeps complaining about the system slowing down and pestering me to get a new model.You should see her, Man, she looks older and older every day. Time for ME to get a new model, methinks.SardarPm: ROTFL.MushyWushy: [ smiley showing 'shhhh..' sign ] I have a old girl in the side rt now. Can't tell you who it is because then there'd be WW3.SardarPM: Really?MushyWushy: Ya, an old fling. Came across her recently and sparks flew. Her old man aint doing much for her so she turns to me.SardarPm: Yu da maan.MushyWushy: I know.SardarPm: Anyway, dont let him find out. What were we discussing.oh ya, this terrorist thingy of yours.Look, how about a deal . We'll give you Kashmir..and a couple of Union territories too.MushyWushy: Dude. We both know I dont want Kashmir. I can barely feed my own people. This whole war thingy is just to get rid of the excess bombs we bought from 'our North Western' neighbours [ smiley winking ]SardarPM: Sigh. I know that. Still. worth a shot. Hmm...I got it.MushyWushy: ?SardarPM: We'll legalise your second biggest industry .MushyWushy: Really..you mean, after al these years, you'll finally do it.. you'll legalise..SardarPm: Yes, I'll sanction the legalisation of your FAKE DVD making industry. You'll be milionaires in months.MushyWushy: You promise. The last Pm said the same thing. I gave promises to the DVD MAKING companies. When it turned out to be untrue. Man, were they pissed. Those 2 bomb blasts at the bridge ? That weren't no Afghan terrrists, brother.SardarPm: [ :o ]MushyWushy: I know. I know. So can you guarentee me you'll legalise this thing this time.SardarPM: I'd have to get in touch with the heads of the nations...MushyWushy: That foreign lady and the orange brigade ?SardarPM: Duh. No, Bachpan and Rajnicount. Heads of the Movie industry.MushyWushy: Oh man. Not them again. Forget it. They were the ones who jinxed it last time too. How about another cricket match?SardarPm: Just cause I'm a Sardar doesnt mean I'm stupid !! Have you seen my bowlers bowling these days. They couldnt hit the stumps if there were 10 of them!!MushyWushy : [ grinning smiley ] I know. Man. they suck, dont they?SardarPm: Big time. Hold on. brbMushyWushy: BUZZMushyWushy: BUZZLoading the "JIHADI TERRORIST" IMVIRONMENT.MushyWushy: You there?SardarPm: Sorry for delay.Nice Imvironment. Was discussing this with wife. She's got an idea.Hol, she'll be joining us soon.PunjabiKudiPM has joined the conference.PunjabiKudiPm: Ajji Sasre akaal ji.MushyWushy: my salute to you too, madam. How's it going ?PunjabiKudiPm: DEkko ji, suniye to me. I have an idea in my mind.MushyWushy: No disrespect, only insulting you, but, your previous ideas didn't work out too well, you know. Remember telling me to go on Comedy Central in USA during the promotion of my book. Made a bloody ass of myself. I'm only glad I didnt listen to your "pose nude in Playboy with my book covering my privates" idea.PunjabiKudiPm: Ajji. Chup kar. You got publicity naa. Yehi to baat hai.MushyWushy: Ok.Ok.tell me.PunjabiKudiPM: See, instead of trying to bring proof and waste so much time and money, kyon na hum Online decide kare when you next attack?MushyWushy: What do you mean ? e-terrorism ?PunjabiKudiPm: Why not have an online tournament to decide ? You both could play that famous chor-police game ?MushyWushy: Chor-Police online?PunjabiKudiPm: Ya, it's got a funny name online..kya hai..haa, CounterStroke!!!MushyWushy: CounterStrike, you mean. Thats a marvellous idea. What do you say man.SardarPM: I'm cool with it. As long as it's only us both. No teams.MushyWushy: cool. But I will have a coach k?SardarPm: Sure. Do I know him ?MushyWushy: Hold. He's at home only. I'll get him.brb.OBL has joined the conference.OBL: Howdy doody? I'm the coach.SardarPM: Wait a minute. u're..OBL: Osman Bean Laddie..umm, I'm Scottish.SardarPm: Pls. I work in a coalition govt. I know a lie from a mile away. You'r that guy they all want. Wait a minute. How are you hiding from everyone so easily man?OBL : Are you kidding? I just click "SIGN IN AS INVISIBLE" before logging in. Noone can find me after that ha ha ha. [ big grin smiley ]SardarPM: Wow.OBL: yup, FBI, CIA, NSA..all useless against the defences of yahoo messenger man. Tried Orkut. But people could see me the moment I logged in. Made it tough.SardarPM: Tell me about it. Cant even enter hot porn communities in Orkut because of these damn political advisors. They keep telling 'it'll set a bad image..duh!'OBL: ROTFLSardarPm: Oh F%$* !! gtg. Had an onlin meeting with mallika4u aboit 10 mins back..catch u later.OBL:ByeMushyWushy:ByeSardarPm has left the conference.OBL has left the conference.MushyWushy: Guess its just you and me again.PunjabiKudiPm: Goody. Just like old times.MushyWushy: Lets get outta here. Call me on the private number.PunjabiKudiPm: 1-800-HornyDictator ? You still use that. You sick freak.[ smiley with tongue out, smiley batting eyelashes ] Ok. Wil call in a minute. ByeMushywushy: Bye. I'm waiting.PunjabiKudiPm has left the conference.MushyWushy has left the conference.