New Year’s Eve: Expectations vs. Reality

If Ke$ha and Prince had a love child, and then proceeded to pour some glitter on it, that child would be New Year’s Eve. Full of alcohol and lowered inhibitions, New Year’s Eve is the most fun you can have with your pants on…or off, depending on how you party. It is a night of last chances and new beginnings, first kisses and final opportunities…or at least this is what movies like New Year’s Eve would have us think. The truth is, New Year’s Eve is never what we expect. Like the ball that drops in Times Square, New Year’s Eve is usually insignificant and overrated.

Expectations for NYE:

Brimming with excitement, all of your single girlfriends come over to get ready for the big night. We’re talking pedicures on your toes-toes, trying on all your clothes-clothes, boys blowing up your phones-phones…well you get it. And although your friends look beautiful in their cocktail dresses, you’re the only one who ordered from Rent the Runway, and thus clearly look the best.

When you get to the party, there is a line out the door full of beautiful and glamorous people. Just as you are about to get disappointed, a gorgeous man with green eyes spots you from inside. He tells the bouncer to let you and your party in, and proceeds to order six Grey Goose martinis. Keep ‘em coming!

The place looks like a P Diddy party. You spend sometime on the dance floor with your girlfriends, drinking and dancing and eyeing Seth, the guy with the green eyes, as he comes back with your next martini. He has five sexy (but less sexy than himself) friends and each one hits it off with one of your girls.

The clock is about to hit eleven when Seth asks if you’d like to enjoy him on his family’s yacht for the last hour. It’s no big deal or anything, but he and his boys were planning on watching the fireworks over the New York skyline at midnight.

You move the party onto the boat. There is nothing but champagne, music and dancing. At midnight, Seth dips you, Old-Hollywood style, and goes in for a kiss. Everyone “Awws” and then proceeds to celebrate under the most beautiful firework display you have ever seen. You and Seth sneak away for the next couple of hours and after waking up to breakfast in bed, you contemplate starting a New Year with this wonderful man.

Reality for NYE:

Your stupid harlot friends all manage to find dates for New Year’s Eve, so you invite Isabella, your disgustingly-beautiful frenemy with huge boobs and like a nine inch waist, whose boyfriend is away on a modeling gig on Milan, and who stole your tenth grade boyfriend — but whatever you’re over it — to come along with you to a local house party. She says she’ll meet you there.

When you get to the house party, the first thing you notice is the smell of stale beer and lost morals. There are not a lot of people there, just a few guys playing video games on the couch, a group of bitchy girls talking in the kitchen, a couple ravishingly hooking up in the bathroom and a cute guy pouring himself some Burnett’s and Sprite into a red cup…wait, maybe tonight is looking up after all.

You head over to the Burnett’s bottle, careful not to trip in your Barbie heels, and the guy pours you a cup. He asks you whom you’re here with and you awkwardly tell him that your friends are coming in a bit. Nevertheless, you engage in some pleasant small talk. His name is John, he is a Poli-Sci major, and he had just stopped by to pick up a few things from his friend.

He asks if would you like to come with him to his own party. He ensures it’s a lot more fun than this one. Just as you are about to say yes, Isabella and her group of model friends walk in the door looking entirely grossed out by the stains on the floor and on the walls. John tries not to be rude, but his attention has totally been put on Isabella. He excuses himself and greets her at the door.

At this point you are slightly too drunk to drive home. You think, fuck it, and grab the bottle of Burnett’s. This is your bottle now and like a dog protecting his favorite toy, you snarl at anyone who so much as looks at it. As the clock counts down to the last few seconds of the year, you can now be found lying fully clothed in the bathtub.

Despite what people say about the bottle-popping, kissing-strangers holiday, the truth is that it usually sucks. Maybe we are all lucky enough to have one or two great New Year’s Eves, but that’s about it. Either way, I wish you all the best of times this time around and who knows, maybe Seth is free and Isabella will get hit by a car this year.