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Unhealthy Relationships

“It is not selfish to burn bridges when the person on the other end is feeding off your soul. In fact, deliberately moving toxic people from your life is a sign of self-love and respect for your personal needs.”

~Aletheia Luna

There often comes a point where we outgrow the people in our lives, develop different interests, and even in the best circumstances, lose people due to the natural cycle of life and death.

But when is the right time to move on from a relationship that feels doomed? Should we wait it out … should we try to pick up the broken pieces, and if so, for how long? At what point is it acceptable to walk away and never look back?

Burning bridges is a tough and serious decision to make. When we “burn bridges” we are essentially cutting off all contact with a person and making it impossible to return. If you’re struggling with this decision, there are a few things you might like to know first.

When Burning Bridges is the Wrong Choice

Cutting people off is not always the right decision. As much as we would like to quickly dispose of a person who is causing us trouble, sometimes the problem originates more within us than them.

For instance, burning bridges might be the wrong choice if you’re wanting to dispose of a person due to fear of intimacy and the unwillingness to be vulnerable. Both of these problems will not be solved by cutting a person off, and in fact, making such a decision will exacerbate and deepen your insecurities. If you’re uncomfortable with sharing your entire self with another person in a friendship or relationship, the problem obviously isn’t the other person, but your own internal fears and traumas. In order to work through this problem, be honest with yourself and the person in your life. Explain how you feel. If they truly love you, they will understand and will stop trying to make you open up.

Another example of a wrong time to move on would be in the heat of anger (or another strong emotional reaction). When we are consumed by emotions our logic is overridden and we cannot think or see clearly. So many poor and even fatal decisions are made when our amygdala has gone haywire (bring to mind all the crimes of passion you hear on the news). In order to prevent yourself from making a rash decision, force yourself to breathe in and out for a couple of minutes. Removing yourself from the person or situation also helps your mind and body to settle down.

The final example of a wrong time to move on is when a relationship changes and stops being fun and exciting all the time. So many people tend to mistakenly believe that there’s something “wrong” with their relationship as it matures and grows because it’s no longer filled with the same ecstasy experienced at the beginning. But the reality is that every relationship changes: you will not experience the same dizzy euphoria as you did when you first fell in love. But there will be new emotions to experience as you grow and change with your partner. It is normal to feel a bit of boredom every now and then, but this does not necessarily mean that you need to burn bridges and move on. Obviously, if you’re feeling constantly bored and unfulfilled then you should seriously reconsider your relationship. But don’t make the mistake of hopping from partner to partner in an attempt to find that one person who makes you feel euphoric 100% of the time. It just won’t happen.

If you need more guidance on how to improve your relationship, read my article How to Save a Relationship or Marriage. You might also like to read more about how to create a deep spiritual connection with your partner.

12 Signs It’s Time to Move On

So when is it the right time to move on?

At some point in our lives, we all need to make the heart-wrenching choice to sever contact with certain people. For some of us, that might mean burning bridges with our ex-partners or friends, and for others, this might mean cutting off contact with our parents, siblings or even our own children.

It is unrealistic — and even dangerous — to believe that all relationships can be repaired, no matter what has happened. We cannot change other people, no matter how hard we try. Yes, we might be able to influence them, but the choice to change comes from them, not us. We cannot force others to change. Therefore, sometimes we need to accept that it’s time to move on, let go, and open a new chapter of our lives because no matter what we do, a person will only change if they are interested in changing.

Letting go can even seem cruel to some people, especially if a strong emotional bond is present. But the reality is that we have to take care of ourselves as well. If a person is not a source of comfort or support in your life, then they hang around you like dead weight holding you back from self-fulfillment. It is not selfish to burn bridges when the person on the other end is feeding off your soul. In fact, deliberately moving toxic people from your life is a sign of self-love and respect for your personal needs.

Here are some major signs that it’s time to move on:

1. They don’t show interest in your thoughts, opinions or needs

Your relationship is very lopsided. Even when you try to express your thoughts and needs, you are met with a blank, uninterested wall. Life seems to revolve around the other person, and whenever you try to draw a conversation towards yourself, this person will immediately try to hog attention. In the past, you may have drawn attention to the fact that this person doesn’t show interest in your needs, but nothing changed and they made no effort to pay attention to you. This person has an “ME first, you second” attitude.

2. They emanate constant negativity

No matter what you do or say, the other person is always unhappy. This person might nitpick, whine, criticize, judge, and moan about you or other people all the time. Not only that, but you always seem to go away feeling miserable after spending time with this person. They are like a damp heavy blanket suffocating your soul.

3. They don’t encourage your freedom

A major red flag: if the other person is controlling and authoritative, back away slowly! If you feel trapped and unable to be your true self, it’s most definitely time to move on. Feeling trapped can also be subtle and passive, for example, a partner or parent who tries to keep you dependent on them so that they have power over you.

4. They twist the truth

You struggle to trust this person because they have lied to you so much in the past. Lying is not always active, it can also be passive, for example, withholding information or details that you needed to know. This person has repeatedly broken your trust and is not transparent with you.

5. They don’t prioritize your relationship

The other person doesn’t seem to value your relationship/friendship as much as you do. While you put in so much work to improve your relationship with them, the other person doesn’t seem to care at all. Even when you have asked them to uphold their side of the relationship, they still ended up prioritizing other things over you. For example, they might spend long nights out with their friends at the pub and return at 3am. Or they might forget dates, meetups or agreements and put work or other commitments above you. While busyness is a normal part of life, this person doesn’t seem to have time on their schedule for you at all.

6. They create constant drama

You feel exhausted having to deal with all of the problems and dramas surrounding this person. Even when something goes well for your friend/partner/family member, they quickly find something else to be unhappy about. You have a sense that this person thrives on drama and is empty without it. You’re tired of hearing detailed accounts of their fights, work dramas, relationship tragedies, righteous opinions, ad infinitum.

7. They feed off your energy

This person seems to be fuelled by your attention and emotional reactions. They might enjoy provoking you to elicit a response that makes them feel like they have power over you. You also feel very tired around them, and almost sucked into their gravitational pull. If you feel this way, you’ve likely got an energy vampire on your hands. While I don’t particularly like this term, it accurately describes people who enjoy leeching off our energy.

8. They’re relentlessly needy

You feel smothered by this other person and like you’re bound to them with a ball and chain. Not only do you have to take care of your needs, but you feel as though you have to take care of their needs as well. This person seems to constantly demand attention, pampering, affection, and favors from you. You’ve tried encouraging this person to stand on their own two feet, but they seem intent on clinging off you. This person seems to be incapable of being self-assured and constantly seeks approval from you.

9. They have physically hurt you

In moments of rage, your friend/partner/family member may have hit you or physically hurt you in some way. While they may have apologized, your trust and confidence around them have been broken. Physical abuse is a crystal clear sign that it’s time to move on and burn bridges, forever.

10. They make you want to hide your true self

You’ve tried being relaxed and open around this person, but you’ve been met with coldness, criticism or judgment. As a result, you may have resorted to hiding your true self and wearing a mask instead. Gradually, you may have even started to forget who you truly are, having become a shell of your former self instead. You feel sick of changing who you are for the other person.

11. They manipulate you

You chronically feel emotionally blackmailed or gaslighted by this person. Sometimes you even feel like you’re the abuser, when in fact, the other is just playing mind games with you.

12. They intentionally hold you back

On the surface it may appear that your friend, partner or family member has “the best intentions for you,” but really, they don’t. They are scared. They don’t want you to change. They don’t want you to reach your full potential, for that will make them feel left behind. They don’t want to see you happy, for that will reflect how unhappy they are. They don’t want you to take risks, for that will force them to reconsider their own life choices. As the old truism goes, “misery loves company.” Unhappy people want to be surrounded by other unhappy people because it gives them some sense of consolation. As a result, you might feel like you have to dim down your lights, blend in, and become a wallflower.

After reading this list:

After reading this list, please know that you don’t have to say “yes” to every sign. Even if you’re experiencing just one or two of these signs, you should seriously consider the possibility that it’s time to move on. While you don’t have to necessarily burn bridges, you might like to create space and distance and see how you feel.

Hopefully these signs can gently awaken you to the possibility that it’s time to open a new chapter of your life. And please know that feeling things like stress, shame, and grief are all normal reactions. Personally, when it was time for me to burn bridges I felt intense emotional and psychological turmoil for many months. In my case, I had to cut ties with my entire family in order to escape their oppressive fundamentalist religion. But to my surprise, I felt so free and liberated that all of the pain of going through separation was worth it.

I hope you can find the same kind of freedom. Your heart and soul are stronger than you may think.

About the author: Aletheia Luna is an influential spiritual writer whose work has changed the lives of thousands of people worldwide. After escaping the religious sect she was raised in, Luna experienced a profound existential crisis that led to her spiritual awakening. As a psychospiritual counselor, tarot reader, and professional writer, Luna’s mission is to help others become conscious of their entrapment and find joy, empowerment, and liberation in any circumstance.

Are you in a chaotic or energy-sucking relationship? If so, you need to know about the social/relationship disorder known as “Amorphia”!

Do you have a friend, partner or parent who spews their emotions, crosses boundaries or manipulates the relationship according to their needs? If so, they may be suffering from the social/relationship disorder called Amorphia!

The term “Amorphia” is derived from the word amorphous which means “indefinite character without defined shape or form; lacking clear structure, boundaries or focus.”

Although the word “amorphous” is most commonly used to describe undefined circumstances or shapeless substances, such as clouds or chemicals, people can also have amorphous tendencies. In fact, in many cases, amorphous behaviors can turn into a social dysfunction that negatively affects relationships.

Even though I usually prefer to avoid labels, I also know that it’s impossible to heal a relationship without first identifying the core issue. As a result, I have personally coined the term “Amorphia” to describe this relationship dynamic.

So, what exactly is Amorphia?

You know all those people who drain your energy? Well, in all likelihood, many of them suffer from some degree of Amorphia, and, therefore, they can be defined as “Amorphics”! Although severe Amorphics are often described as “energy sucking vampires,” in most cases, the signs and symptoms of Amorphia are more subtle.

Although Amorphia can manifest as a wide range of behaviors, it can be defined as the misuse and abuse of energy, and this means that Amorphic people are not responsible with their energy (aka emotions, behaviors actions, etc…).

For instance:

Amorphics are often unpredictable and unable to commit to even simple choices, and because they have poor follow through, many don’t honor the commitments or choices they do make.

Amorphics often display inconsistent behavior and cannot be pinned down, and because they want to keep their options open, they may say one thing and do another.

While having poor boundaries, Amorphics frequently shift responsibility and use their emotions to manipulate others.

Since many Amorphics don’t value other people’s time and energy, they’re known to be insensitive or undependable (they are often late for appointments).

Amorphics can change their mind in a flash without any discussion; not even communicating with those involved.

Even though many Amorphics don’t understand how their behavior negatively affects others, the combination of mixed messages and broken promises results in ongoing arguments and chaotic relationships.

Chances are, if someone is not consciously using their energy, they’re unconsciously abusing it!

Projectors vs. Sponges

Although Amorphia can show up in many different ways, Amorphics can be divided into two distinct categories:

Amorphic Projectors

Amorphic Sponges

While Amorphic Sponges absorb, distort and/or project energy, they are more likely to be overly sensitive “people pleasers,” and while Amorphic Projectors project and distort energy, they are noticeably insensitive and more likely to develop narcissistic tendencies.

Amorphic Sponges seek approval, acceptance, appreciation, validation, etc…, and in order to get one or more of these emotional needs met, they may change their behavior to please others; this often results in self-suppression and disempowerment.

Amorphic Projectors seek respect and recognition in order to feel superior, and they always have to be right. Since they have to control the energy in any room or relationship, they often use their energy to over-power and suppress others.

While Amorphic Sponges need others to lift them up, Amorphic Projectors use others to lift them up.

The 4 Dynamics of Amorphia

Despite their differences, Projectors and Sponges share many common traits, and, in fact, they both misuse their energy in the same four ways.

So, unless otherwise specified, the following applies to both types of Amorphics.

#1 – Emotions

Both Amorphic Projectors and Amorphic Sponges project their energy through emotions — often using their emotions to manipulate others. While Amorphic Projectors are more likely to project anger, frustration, etc… and Amorphic Sponges are more likely to project sadness, disappointment, etc…, guilt and obligation are commonly used by both.

Since Amorphics project their energy/emotions onto others, if they’re feeling something, they want others to feel it too, and, in fact, it’s common for Amorphics to make other people responsible for their emotions. For example, it’s common to hear Amorphics say things like, “You made me angry.” By spewing blame and disappointment, they also make others responsible for their happiness.

Although some Amorphics wear their emotions on their sleeves, many are emotionally unavailable and hide their emotions. It’s also common for Amorphics to be emotionally reactive and quickly jump to conclusions. So, if something goes right, they’re happy, and if something goes wrong, they’re distraught.

Moreover, Amorphics may try to enroll others in their story by chronically validating their fears with “horror stories,” thereby manipulating people to feel what they feel. For example, if an Amorphic person is afraid of dogs, they may frequently share stories about random dog attacks.

Although Amorphics may spew their fears without ulterior motives, many intentionally provoke fear in order to control a partner’s, friend’s or child’s choices. For instance, to convince a partner not to go out with friends after work, an Amorphic partner may start talking about a local crime trend.

Furthermore, the Amorphic Sponge is an “energetic sponge” who takes on other people’s energy, emotions, and drama, and this means that if a friend or relative is sad, they’re sad. As a result, many Amorphic Sponges are ungrounded and emotionally unstable. In fact, they may expect a significant other to ground them or play the responsible adult.

On the other hand, the Amorphic Projector often diverts other people’s energy and may not seem to care how anyone feels — this dynamic results in, what appears to be, self-righteousness and a lack of compassion.

#2 – Responsibility

Rather than taking responsibility for their own lives, it’s common for both types of Amorphics to shift responsibility. Therefore, instead of taking responsibility for bad choices or negative circumstances, Amorphics either portray themselves as victims or justify their behavior with excuses.

By making others responsible for their feelings, they naturally project expectations, and when those expectations are not met, they project blame and disappointment.

So, no matter what happens, they have a distorted sense of responsibility.

However, even though Amorphics don’t take responsibility for their own lives, they may somehow believe that they have the right to manipulate others, and, when this is the case, they can either be over-protective people pleasers who feel responsible for everyone (aka Sponges) or over-bearing control freaks who always know best (aka Projectors)!

In addition to their emotions, Amorphics often manipulate others through judgment and blame, and if those strategies don’t work, threats and consequences are common. For instance, they might threaten to withhold love or approval, and if they don’t get their way, follow through accordingly. And, when all else fails, some Amorphics resort to suicidal threats, possibly escalating to tangible plans, and this means that the Amorphic person makes another person (usually a romantic partner) responsible for whether they live or die.

While Amorphic Sponges are more likely to hurt themselves, Amorphic Projectors are more likely to hurt others. Believing that they have the right to over-power or control another person, in extreme cases, Amorphic Projectors use their energy to violate others, and this can manifest as anything from bullying and verbal threats to physical violence.

Furthermore, whenever you see domestic violence, there’s always an Amorphic Projector acting as the abuser and an Amorphic Sponge portraying the victim.

#3 – Communication

By sharing too much information or asking inappropriate/personal questions, Amorphics can make people feel uncomfortable, and, furthermore, many Amorphics consistently ignore social signals.

On the other hand, in order to remain non-committal, some Amorphics share too little information. In fact, based on their needs or a desired outcome, Amorphics might omit pertinent information altogether, and, as a result, they’re often accused of lying.

Since the person who withholds information has greater power, their friends, relatives and colleagues are often at a disadvantage.

Furthermore, because Amorphic Projectors don’t consider the needs or wants of others, they often make choices without consulting those involved, and if they always have to be right, everyone else has to be wrong.

Not surprisingly, Amorphics often make their partners (and others) feel like they’re going crazy!

#4 – Boundaries

Both Amorphic Projectors and Amorphic Sponges have unclear boundaries, and many don’t know where they begin and others end.

While Amorphic Projectors may take advantage of others, Amorphic Sponges may allow people to take advantage of them.

Not knowing how to respect (or recognize) another person’s boundaries, both types of Amorphics often infringe their needs upon others, and this means that they may regularly expect help, support, money, etc…, and, in fact, they may chronically borrow money and default on promises of repayment.

Furthermore, if the Amorphic Sponge is emotionally needy or constantly seeking approval, others may experience his or her “energy” as an infringement in their space.

Since many Amorphics don’t respect privacy, they’re often found eaves-dropping or breaking into private emails. By getting into other people’s business, they frequently interfere where they don’t belong, and depending upon their intention, this can manifest as anything from unsolicited advice to downright manipulation. And, while the lines are blurred, this type of behavior can easily escalate into stalking.

Moreover, when Amorphics don’t respect physical space, it’s common for them to stand too close to other people or demonstrate inappropriate touching. On the other hand, it’s also common for Amorphic Projectors to hide behind a big wall, and by projecting “defensive energy,” keep everyone at a distance.

Additionally, with or without physical touching, some Amorphics use sexual energy as a form of manipulation, and in extreme cases, this can result in sexual harassment or assault.

By “manipulating” the boundaries of an intimate relationship, and justifying infidelity, Amorphics are more likely to cheat on their partners.

Role dysphoria is also common among Amorphics, and when this is the case, they may inappropriately take on the role of a parent or child.

The good news is that, in most cases, Amorphia has a cure!

Here’s How to Heal an Amorphic Relationship

If you’re in a relationship with an Amorphic, it’s safe to say that you’re in an Amorphic Relationship. However, once you understand the underlying dynamics, it’s possible to heal the relationship.

As the friends, partners and relatives of Amorphics, we often unknowingly perpetuate certain dynamics with our own behavior, and, therefore, by identifying and changing certain behaviors in ourselves, we have the power to heal our Amorphic Relationships.

So, if you’re the partner, friend or relative of an Amorphic, here’s what you need to do:

First, identify Amorphic patterns by pinpointing the ways in which Amorphia is showing up in your relationship.

If you believe that you’re in a dangerous situation, get professional help to get out.

Boundaries are Non-Negotiable!

Furthermore, if you’re in a relationship with an Amorphic, set and enforce clear boundaries. Since you can’t assume that someone will know exactly what you mean, always spell it out!

For example:

If you want your privacy respected, be perfecting clear that it includes no snooping, ease-dropping and interfering.

If you want to create positive and upbeat relationships, set a boundary that says no judgment or negativity.

If you want others to value your time, request that they keep their commitments, arrive on time and communicate changes promptly.

When one of your boundaries is crossed, make sure to respond immediately. If you wait to talk about it, your Amorphic partner, friend of relative might deny that it ever happened or reinterpret the event. Therefore, immediately pinpoint the Amorphic behavior and clearly state the boundary that’s been crossed — be clear and decisive without getting into a debate.

Remember, if you want others to respect your boundaries, you must also respect theirs.

Last but not least, cultivate the ability to say “no” and always be “at choice” for all you do and don’t do.

No doubt, it can take time to transform an Amorphic Relationship, and some relationships may need to end, but with love and patience, many relationships can endure — and even thrive.