Yes, you'll look like an idiot in lederhosen or a bosom-lifting dirndl. The good news is, so will everyone else. Oh, and cross-dressing is apparently fine.

Important anthropological note: Bavarians like to sing, and no more often than at Oktoberfest. Last year they invited Japan's top yodeling star, Sakura Kitagawa, to belt out a few numbers at the big beer shindig.

Oh, look at all those lovely empty Oktoberfest tables! They won't be empty for long. Book early, like the Germans, or you won't visit the rest room for fear of losing your seat.

Missing: One Teutonic pillager's hat. That item somehow makes sense at Oktoberfest, but some of the other items ending up in lost property there don't bare thinking about. Point being: Bring your singing voice, lederhosen, dirndl and some euros -- and little else.

Drink moderately, that is, although the Germans can't be that mature because they do have the word Bierleiche (beer corpse) for someone like this resting Oktoberfester.

A tent isn't just a tent at Oktoberfest, but a sign of your personality type. Celebrities of various grades gather at the Hippodrom tent -- here a German designer of trad Bavarian wears what looks like a floral spaceship landing on her head.

Unashamedly heavy, piggy German food just happens to be the perfect protection against excessive wheat beer consumption. If you're vegetarian, there's sauerkraut.

No, this isn't magic beer, but Oktoberfest novelty key rings. Available, along with beer-themed snow globes and more, in Munich starting this weekend.

Don't worry about looking ridiculous in lederhosen: everyone doesBe prepared to sing along in voluble if not terribly accurate GermanChoose your "personality tent"Discover which way a virgin wears her dirndl bow

Most singing is welcome at Oktoberfest -- including Japanese yodeling, as this performer proved in a previous year.

Fitting in at Oktoberfest is all about getting the balance right.Leather shorts and flouncy dresses: good.Beer stein hats: bad.Also good: singing.Not anything, though (unless it's really late).Bavarian bonding is about sing-alongs, and one such tune you'll hear time and again at the festival is "Ein Prosit der GemÃ¼tlichkeit."It's tricky to translate because "GemÃ¼tlichkeit" is supposed to mean some fusion of "happiness" and "belonging" that Anglo-Saxons are too uptight to understand.So try mumbling, "Cheers to something-Anglo-Saxons-are-too-uptight-to-understand" and then the important bit -- clink glasses.3. Find table; don't visit rest roomYou're thinking: Oh, Bavarians sound really jolly.Not at all the punctuality freaks of German stereotype.Well, kind of, but this country didn't set the standard for luxury precision automobiles without thinking ahead.Which means that Germans book tables months in advance in the most popular Oktoberfest tents (see below for a tent-by-personality guide).Without a reservation you'll spend hours queuing and, even if you eventually get a seat, will lose it as soon as you pop to the toilet.4. Sit on that Viking helmetOf the thousands of items ending up in lost property each year at Oktoberfests past, some have been obvious: Viking helmets, (ahem) wedding rings, French horns.Others were less obvious: false teeth, (live) grasshoppers.Lesson: don't bring anything precious to Oktoberfest, especially not your dignity.5. Drink like a European

We've been there -- a Bierleiche, "beer corpse."

You know those patronizing stories about how Continentals -- unlike Yanks, Brits and Aussies -- don't get drunk but sit around sipping GewÃ¼rztraminer in sidewalk cafes, quoting Proust?They're not all lies!That said, Germans do have a word for a paralytic person -- a Bierleiche, meaning beer corpse.Don't be one.Surviving 12 hours of solid drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, so make each liter Mass (those jug-like glasses) last.At up to 8%, this wheat beer is strong stuff.For the record, a Mass costs around â,¬9.80 ($13) in 2013.Tip well if you expect to be served again.6. Choose your tent There are 14 tents in all at Oktoberfest and the one you choose says a lot about you."Tent," though, requires some clarification -- this isn't boy scout-related.Schottenhamel and HofbrÃ¤u-Festzelt tents each have a mammoth 10,000 seats (around six million people will attend the festival in total), filled with a generally youngish, oompah-singing, rollicking international crowd.Champagne-drinking celebrities hang out in the Hippodrom or KÃ¤fer's Wies'n-SchÃ¤nke tent.Arguably the best beer is served in the traditional, family-friendly Augustiner (where people are likely still to be noticing such things), though the roaring lion at the LÃ¶wenbrÃ¤u would have something to say about that.Would-be shepherds drink under a painted sky at Hacker-Pschorr, dubbed the Himmel der Bayern ("Bavarian heaven"), while BrÃ¤urosl has a resident yodeler.7. Do your WurstLuckily, Oktoberfest food -- make that German food, in general -- seems designed to protect the stomach, and reputation, against excessive wheat beer consumption.A meal of Wurst in various guises -- pork knuckles with sauerkraut, goulash and dumplings and pretzels as big as your head with Obatzda, a Camembert-paprika dip -- is ideal preparation for a more or less civilized session at the stein table.Saueres LÃ¼ngerl -- sour calf-lung dumplings -- is another Bavarian speciality, yet one that risks having the opposite effect from that intended.The restaurants page on Muenchen.de has a selection of traditional Bavarian restaurants in Munich.8. Wear your dirndl bow right

Married to a large professional football player (Daniel van Buyten) this Oktoberfest lady is no doubt wearing her dirndl bow to the right.

Mead!Banquets!Maidens!Debauchery ...... er, no.Bavarians might let their braces down at Oktoberfest but while flirting is fine, even expected, it stops at a very firm line.You can call a lady fesch (pretty), but don't imagine you're in the aforementioned B-grade medieval romp and start praising her Gaudinockerln (lit. lovely dumplings -- no need to spell it out).Ladies, be aware of the signals your dirndl bow is sending out: to the right means attached, to the left, single, in the center -- not recommended and somehow unlikely to be true -- a virgin.9. Play the proper touristBelieve it or not, there's more to Oktoberfest than beer-guzzling, thigh-slapping revelry.You can see its more traditional side at Saturday's opening Festzug, where a thousand tent owners and brewers parade through Munich's streets with horse-drawn, flower-bedecked drays laden with barrels.It's also kitsch heaven, with Oktoberfest-themed steins, fridge magnets and snow globes on sale, plus the chance to get a last-minute embroidered dirndl or lederhosen (used or unused).Visit Oktoberfest.de to plan your own Oktoberfest adventure.