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June 30, 2004

Win A Date With... One of the Elect!

Inspired by the highly entertaining and grossly underrated movie Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!, UTR brings you its latest contest: Win A Date With One of the Elect! (For those of you who are new to UTR, "the Elect" or "the Anointed" is UTR-speak for Supreme Court clerks. For more detailed discussion, replete with howls of lamentation, please see this post.)

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Here's how the contest will work:

1. Single members of the Elect of either gender will submit, by e-mail, flattering pictures and witty descriptions of themselves, in the style of a personal ad. (Please keep descriptions under 250 words, and please include all relevant personal data, including what city you live in, your height and weight, your hair and eye color, your hobbies and interests, etc.)

2. Article III Groupie will review the submissions and post the profiles of selected members of the Elect on UTR for open bidding. Think of it as E-Bay for the E-lect! (The timetable for the posting of profiles and the number of profiles to be posted have not yet been established; much will depend upon the level of reader response.)

3. During the bidding period (again, dates to be determined), members of the Great Unwashed (i.e., the non-Anointed) will submit, by e-mail, bids for a date with the member of the Elect in whom they are interested. A "bid" constitutes a promise by the bidder to donate the bid amount to that most worthy cause, the Supreme Court Historical Society. Bids will be blind, so please submit your very best offer. Also, please note that the bidding process is not open to members of the Elect. Article III Groupie is sick and tired of you people marrying each other--try dating a commoner for once!

4. After the close of the bidding period, Article III Groupie will announce the winners of the bidding and which member of the Elect each winner gets to take out on a date. The winner is entitled to go on one (1) date with the member of the Elect that he or she has "won." Winning bidders and members of the Elect will be put in touch with each other by Article III Groupie.

A few more rules:

--The winner shall pay for all costs of the date, including transportation of either or both parties to the date as necessary; none of these costs shall be borne by UTR or Article III Groupie.

--The member of the Elect, in order to verify that the winning bidder has in fact donated the bid amount to the Supreme Court Historical Society, has the right to request written confirmation of the donation at the start of the date (e.g., a canceled check, a credit card statement, or a letter from the Society confirming the gift).

--All participants in "Win A Date With One of the Elect" (hereinafter, "the Contest"), by participating in the Contest, do hereby release, waive, and discharge Underneath Their Robes or Article III Groupie from liability from any and all claims resulting in personal injury, accidents or illnesses (including death or food poisoning), and property loss arising from, but not limited to, participation in the Contest. (In other words, if either the winning bidder or the member of the Elect turns out to be a crazy stalker--well, it's not Article III Groupie's fault!)

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If you're a member of the Elect, you're probably asking yourself: Given my high station, why should I degrade myself by applying to become an internet chattel? Article III Groupie offers you at least three reasons: (1) it's for a good cause; (2) UTR is now a respectable blog, approved by none other than Judge Kozinski; and (3) who knows--you might actually find true love! Even if you don't hit it off with the bidder who "wins" you, your picture and profile will be disseminated to UTR's mass audience; some of these readers may find you appealing and then contact you sua sponte. (UTR will provide your contact information to the winning bidder only, of course. But with Martindale-Hubbell, Google, Lexis-Nexis, etc., you are probably not too difficult to track down.)

If you're a member of the Great Unwashed, you're probably asking yourself: How much of my next paycheck can I afford to spend on the incredible opportunity to date a legal professional demi-god or goddess?

AFFIRMED! This happy couple met through UTR's dating service. Watch his right hand as it slips underneath her robes...

Article III Groupie is very interested in whether this project will fly. If it succeeds, who knows what might come next--Win A Date With a Federal Judge? It isn't as far-fetched as it sounds; after all, as Judge Alex Kozinski notes in his hilarious letter to Article III Groupie, he has been a contestant on the Dating Game--twice! (He was not, however, a federal judge at the time of his participation. To watch a supremely entertaining video clip from the show, click here.) And astronomical sums could surely be raised by auctioning off dates with any one of the three Right-Wing Judicial Divas.

So please, all you single members of the Elect out there: Help out the Supreme Court Historical Society, as well as all those lonely hearts out there among the Great Unwashed, and submit your application materials with all deliberate speed!