The Truth about my Postpartum Anxiety

You may have noticed that things have been pretty quiet around here. For months I have been trying to find the words to say what is on my heart and the time to write them down for y’all. In all honesty, sometimes its simply easier to post to social media where you get to see the highlight reel of my life and small soundbites of what we experience on a daily basis.

But this is the reality you don’t see.

And although I haven’t walked through the entirety of this storm, I’m ready to shine the light on this truth.

I’ve been struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety.

It’s something that I have not experienced before this year. I’m generally a very happy person and my mood is usually very consistent. But this year I have been drowning in the overwhelming feelings of the walls caving in around me, as if no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to climb back out of this chasm.

Some days are good; Some days I feel bright, shiny and like that woman I was before. Other days I feel trapped, suffer immense exhaustion, walk through life on auto-pilot or get so overwhelmed, anxious and flustered that I shut down, can’t focus and need to retreat. On one occasion I walked out of my house, leaving my kids to their dad and grandfather while I drove a few blocks around the neighbourhood until I felt like I could breathe again.

It’s been frustrating, to say the least.

And for a while I hesitated telling you all this, because it doesn’t fit with your idea of me. And I would never want anyone to think that my struggles are due to my lack of love for my children or a lack of my joy in motherhood, because there is nothing I wouldn’t do for my babies and no words to describe the depth of my love for them.

But I realized how many others go through these same struggles every.damn.day. 1/6 women and 1/10 men struggle with postpartum depression or anxiety.

One of my core values as a “role model” is to be a beacon of positivity and authenticity, and to do that, I have to let you in to my daily struggles too. So here I am, laid open and bare, praying that my vulnerability will show that motherhood is damn hard.

Yet as tough as life is, we are tougher.

We find the beauty in our brokenness, the raw in our story and we will not allow these struggles to define us. Rather we will prove to the dark voices in our head that whisper lies of weakness and we will rise above.

I’m incredibly thankful to my amazing family for carrying me through these dark months – my parents especially. Without their help picking up the slack around here, I know that my children would have felt the sting of my abandonment (hello mom guilt!) …but thankfully the presence of family through these last few months has been helpful and appreciated beyond words.

And to my sister-friends, my village, the ones who have allowed me to cry, swear, yell and simply be in the moments that I was broken open and raw, I am so grateful for your unrelenting acceptance and support and for never judging me for being a mother who struggles.

Because the reality is that we all struggle, in some way or another.

So keep calm and carry on warrior soul! The darkness cannot defeat us because it cannot quench the light that we carry within. Even the tiniest spark can light a flame.

Keep going.

And if you need someone to reach out to, I’m always here. Chris and I have both taken our turn living with postpartum depression or anxiety. It can happen to anyone. And there’s no shame in it.

The Pacific Postpartum Support Society is also always here to offer support. You can reach them Monday-Friday, 10am-3pm PST, 604-255-7999/ Toll-Free 855-255-7999

We will get through this. It does not have to rob us of our happy days and it does not define us.

xo, Tara

PS- If you can relate and have walked through something similar, I would love to hear your experience, if you are willing to share. Please share your journey in the comments below so that others can read and know that they too are not alone.

Or share on social media or in a DM and tag me, I promise I read every single one.

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Comments

Thank you so much for sharing Tara! I had my first baby 9 months ago and after a traumatic birth where my baby girl almost died, I was diagnosed with PTSD and postpartum anxiety. I have been fighting through it every day, but as I approach her birthday, the flashbacks and anxiety have deepened. I so appreciate you sharing your experience, with the platform that you have, and I can so relate to what you said in your post about loving your children and enjoying motherhood. I tell my husband often that I have never been happier than I am on mat leave with our baby girl, but some days the pain and trauma we experienced comes back in full force and it’s hard to stay afloat in the ocean of anxiety and fear. One day at a time is my mantra.

Thank you for sharing your story. After having a traumatic birth experience with my son, I was left struggling for months to feel like myself again. I had PPD for nearly a year and I couldn’t explain to my family how overwhelmed, exhausted and defeated I truly felt.
I was also always known for being so uplifting and yet through what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life I was drowning.

With faith and support from loved ones I slowly returned to some semblance of normalcy, but it took time. I felt ashamed and like an absolute failure for so long.

Now in retrospect I know that reaching out for help would have helped a lot. We were made to be resilient, but we aren’t designed to be that way alone. We need support and for me my faith today and reminding myself DAILY with God’s word that I am made for greatness by the most high, is what renews my mind and prevents my mind from becoming filled with lies about not being good enough. You cannot fight thoughts with thoughts, only TRUTH❤️

I’m glad more women are opening up about it and in this we can unite our stories and support other moms who are also struggling with the same.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made! This too shall pass and only bring you to new heights of strength and courage as you continue to raise your family.

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Tara Teng is an ethical fashion blogger, Miss World Canada 2012, a TEDx speaker, and the CEO of Justly Market. She is a big believer in impacting the world for the better and chooses to invest her time in working to improve gender ... VIEW POST

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