CHANDLER, AZ—Marlena Bennington, girlfriend to Jace Everly for nearly three years, is absolutely swooning as Valentine’s Day approaches.

“This is our third Valentine’s Day as a couple,” Bennington told reporters. “I always get excited this time of year. Jace’s heroism really shines.” She went on to explain that, despite all the societal pressure and inevitable criticism, Everly courageously doesn’t do anything for her on Valentine’s Day. He says the holiday was founded on corporate greed and is a capitalist hoax built on a lie and is a mockery of true love.

“It’s just another excuse to get a bunch of sheeple lining up at Wal Mart to buy some mass-produced sham chocolate and flowers,” Everly explained. “The most romantic thing you can do on Valentine’s Day is act as if it doesn’t even exist.” As he said these words, Marlena was visibly trembling with admiration. “In fact, in protest, I pretend like I don’t even have a girlfriend,” Everly explained. “It’s all a social construct anyway.” He then shut the door on Marlena and locked her outside.

“He’s amazing,” she said to reporters from the front porch. “Just imagine if everyone broke up on Valentine’s Day to protest corporate greed. They could experience what I am experiencing right now...” She then trailed off.

Everly said he planned to play video games and catch up on several of his favorite Netflix shows during the next few days. Meanwhile, Bennington says she joined eHarmony as part of the whole “pretending not to be dating” thing. “When in Rome,” she said.

At publishing time, she was entering the first stages of communication with at least seven potential new matches.

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