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Flog a BookBubber 173: Denise Grover Swank—good hook, but I had doubts

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.

There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.

It happens in the NOW of the story.

Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.

Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.

The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Twenty-Eight and a Half Wishes. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

It all started when I saw myself dead.

Rain hung heavy in the air that Friday afternoon. The air conditioning of the old municipal building didn’t know how to handle it, making the office especially chilly. I’d just returned from lunch and grabbed my worn red sweater out of my drawer as I sat down at my workstation. The fluorescent lights flickered overhead, casting a sickly gray pallor over the room.

I sucked in a breath to prepare myself for the next few hours. All that rain was bound to ruin a lot of Memorial Day weekend plans, making the DMV customers even crabbier than their usual.

“Number fifty-three,” I called out over the counter as I turned on my computer screen.

A scruffy man in his mid-thirties approached and plopped his paperwork on the chest-high counter in a huff.

“I need to renew my plates,” he said. Irritation made his voice scratchy.

I looked him over as I tugged the paperwork toward me. Gray-tinged stubble covered his face, a sharp contrast to his shaggy dark brown hair. His light brown eyes held a menacing glare. I chided myself for my foolishness. Everyone has menacing eyes at the DMV on a Friday afternoon, even the sweetest of grandmas.

This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. I wavered on this one. The writing is okay—I’d quibble with a few word choices—but the voice is otherwise sound. The scene is pretty well set, and the first line is a strong teaser. I do have one issue—plenty of time is spent on the fact that it’s raining and its effect on people. I skimmed ahead, though, and the rain does not play a part in what happens next in the first chapter. So why all that time spent with rain? Get on with it. The hook was strong enough for a page turn, but I’ll need more real soon. Your thoughts?

Comments

Flog a BookBubber 173: Denise Grover Swank—good hook, but I had doubts

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.

There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.

It happens in the NOW of the story.

Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.

Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.

The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Twenty-Eight and a Half Wishes. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

It all started when I saw myself dead.

Rain hung heavy in the air that Friday afternoon. The air conditioning of the old municipal building didn’t know how to handle it, making the office especially chilly. I’d just returned from lunch and grabbed my worn red sweater out of my drawer as I sat down at my workstation. The fluorescent lights flickered overhead, casting a sickly gray pallor over the room.

I sucked in a breath to prepare myself for the next few hours. All that rain was bound to ruin a lot of Memorial Day weekend plans, making the DMV customers even crabbier than their usual.

“Number fifty-three,” I called out over the counter as I turned on my computer screen.

A scruffy man in his mid-thirties approached and plopped his paperwork on the chest-high counter in a huff.

“I need to renew my plates,” he said. Irritation made his voice scratchy.

I looked him over as I tugged the paperwork toward me. Gray-tinged stubble covered his face, a sharp contrast to his shaggy dark brown hair. His light brown eyes held a menacing glare. I chided myself for my foolishness. Everyone has menacing eyes at the DMV on a Friday afternoon, even the sweetest of grandmas.

This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. I wavered on this one. The writing is okay—I’d quibble with a few word choices—but the voice is otherwise sound. The scene is pretty well set, and the first line is a strong teaser. I do have one issue—plenty of time is spent on the fact that it’s raining and its effect on people. I skimmed ahead, though, and the rain does not play a part in what happens next in the first chapter. So why all that time spent with rain? Get on with it. The hook was strong enough for a page turn, but I’ll need more real soon. Your thoughts?