Year 2013 was kind of a butt. No, it was a really big, smelly, unwiped butt full of butt things that pretty much started and ended with my really terrible job taking phone calls for an employer that provides third-party customer service for a number of gigantic multinational corporations who don’t want to bother to provide it themselves. My particular client was a provider of telephonically-based communication packages (yes, I am unsuccessfully attempting to be obtuse) and it was… not fun. Everyone in customer service will be nodding your heads when I say that the best and worst thing about working in customer service is… working in customer service. That is why there are places like Not Always Right and my new favorite, How May We Hate You? It was an awful, soul-sucking, hellacious job where I had a different schedule every week, got paid utter crap to be cursed and yelled at about a lot of things I had no control over and couldn’t fix, and in which my entire value as an employee – and my paycheck – was based on how customers answered three survey questions.

(As an aside, yes, those customer satisfaction survey things affect something. The pay and/or job of the person you interacted with. If you hate the company but loved the person you worked with, but you fill out the survey based on your feelings about the company and not the employee, I promise you that the company’s feelings are not hurt but you probably cost the employee you liked so much some money. After all, as my bosses told me continuously, it is my job to change your mind about the company.)

Kia’s Brain: They are not here to listen to you whine. They are here for the baby dinosaur.

Kia: I know, but I feel it’s important to give context for my very extended absence. Unrelenting anxiety and depression will shut anybody up.

Kia’s Brain: Then less whining, more context. Get to the point.

Kia: /glare

The point is that if you at all doubt whether your employment can affect your mental health, doubt no more. It can, most assuredly. I was in the deepest depressive cycle I have been in for awhile. Fortunately, in December I was hired for a job that I am loving, that has a regular-people daylight-hours schedule, pays me a lot better, and lets me use not only my brain but also the business degree which I will never be done paying for, I swear. Which brought me far enough out of my depression that I thought, “WHY NOT REVIVE THE SISTERHOOD?! LONG LIVE THE SISTERHOOD!” And then I gave Amber the opportunity to stop me and instead she said “YES DO IT” because she too is a butt and so here we are.

A word to my friends who are struggling with terrible terrible jobs or unemployment: it is INCREDIBLY hard and I understand. It takes all the life, all the creativity and joy and passion out of you. It may take a LONG time to get better. Know that you are surrounded on Teh Interwebs by people who care for you and that there are people who are willing to provide an ear and/or a shoulder anytime you need it. Count me as one of them! I am cheering you on!

Kia’s Brain: YOU SAID THIS WOULD BE ABOUT A BABY DINOSAUR.

Kia: I AM GETTING THERE.

However, not ALL of 2013 was the Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Anybody EVER. Two wonderful, if inequally-happiness-inducing events occurred. FIRST, Achloryn and I adopted our amazing cat Sir Percival the Ginger and every day we wonder how we ever got along without him. His godmother Elfindale is responsible for his name. LOOKIT HE’S SO CUTE:

SPEAKING OF ACHLORYN, by far the best thing that happened to me in 2013 (indeed, pretty much “so far in my life”) happened on July 26, 2013:

Achloryn and I got married! I should put up more wedding pictures. Maybe one day I will. Many thanks to all of you who came to our WoW Wedding and celebrated with us. We loved having you as part of our big day. For the mildly curious, being married is totally awesome and you should all get married someday, all of you. Unless you’re not into that kind of thing, in which case, don’t.

For the extremely nosy, since both our mothers have hinted at it, we are not now nor are we ever planning to spawn, because children are terrifying small persons that are easily broken and cause a great deal of noise and distress, so that’s the end of that discussion.

So while this will continue to be primarily a WoW blog, I’m thinking this time around I’ll probably branch out a bit more, since I am a gamer now. I never called myself that before, because I pretty much only played WoW and I was of the opinion that someone who only plays one game is not a gamer, but the other night Achloryn and I tallied it up and determined that I had played seven games this year for extended periods of time, including another MMO. Ergo, I must be a gamer. That is very weird, but this is my life. It’s kind of awesome.

Kia’s Brain: See what we have here is a distinct lack of any baby dinosaurs.

Kia: Yes, well, there was a lot to cover. I was getting there.

Kia’s Brain: And instead you rambled on for almost 900 words without getting anywhere close to it.

Kia: I figure at this point, it’s probably better to wait for the next post to talk about the Lashtail Hatchling and its tremendous ability to cause joy and pain.

Kia’s Brain: It’s not just the hatchling who has the ability to cause joy and pain. I’m in charge of several key centers in you—–

/static

/yelping

/several crashes

HERE! HERE! HAVE A BABY DINOSAUR! JUST LIKE I PRO-O-O-O-MISSSSS-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kia: Okay, I GET IT, it’s dusty in here. You are making a thinly-veiled reference to the fact that I haven’t blogged in…

Kia’s Brain: (OVER A YEAR)

Kia: …awhile. But I think I might want to try it again!

Kia’s Brain: This is a stupid idea. You’ll write four posts and disappear into the unknown again.

Kia: That is possible. BUT… I’ll have written four posts.

Kia’s Brain: That is surprisingly Zen of you. I didn’t know we did Zen.

Kia: It’s a new thing we’re trying.

Kia’s Brain: Zen might be good. I like Zen.

Kia: You are a neurotic, antagonistic worrywort that focuses on the negative and is borderline abusive.

Kia’s Brain: I am freaking awesome in my ability to keep you on your toes.

Kia: I can’t deny it.

Kia’s Brain: Have a picture of an owl to distract you.

Kia: OWLS!

So…

HAI AGAIN, WORLD. I’m working on a new post that I’ll probably have up in a day or so talking about where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing and also the joy and tragedy that is the Lashtail Hatchling. Until then, my friends.

Achloryn and I met through WoW when our friend and former GM Amber introduced us while I was still off in Burkina Faso. When I came home and joined , I began lurking on Vent during raid times and started a conversation with Chris.

We talked nearly for the next 48 hours straight. I didn’t sleep for two days because I stayed up with him on the night shift. We started our long-distance relationship immediately and for the first nine months of it, we saw each other a total of four days.

Then I moved in. That’s a story all of its own.

Now we have almost arrived at a day Chris and I started talking about six weeks after we started dating, before we had even seen each other. On July 26th, we’re getting married!

Now, Chris has his family and I have my family, but Chris and I have a family together – our family that we’ve come to love and respect and enjoy in WoW and on Twitter. In other words… you. We live in a virtual world and most of our dear friends we’ve never met, but that is irrelevant. We decided that we want a chance to celebrate with our friends near and far and are hosting a wedding celebration on Wednesday, July 24th on the Rexxar server.

YOU ARE ALL INVITED.

I realize that many of you may be raiding at that time (SiB would normally be also), but if you are NOT, please consider getting all dressed up and coming to the log bridge east of Conquest Hold in Grizzly Hills at 8:30 PM on Wednesday. Amber is going to officiate a ceremony for us and we’ll have cake and wine and /dance and show off our transmogs and possibly somebody will have to serve as the inappropriate uncle who has too much to drink. I’ll let you elect one. Probably best if it’s someone who plays a dwarf.

Just a note to say that I am glad you are all still out there and that I promise I haven’t abandoned you all to the solitary pursuit of pets. This stupid game I subbed called Real Life has been taking a pretty heavy toll the last month or so and the raid bosses are kicking my ass pretty good. I’m soldiering on. I’ll be back to your regularly scheduled Kia’s Brain mockery very soon.

Kia’s Brain: To daily, or not to daily, that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in Pandaria to suffer
The cleaves and ground stomps of outrageous Mogu,
Or to cry out in frustration of too many things to do
And then just not do them. To daily, to farm,
No more; and in defiance of Blizzard to end
The time-sink and the thousand horrible mobs
That dailies require: ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To kill, to slay;
To zerg, perchance to loot – aye, there’s the rub:
For without these dailies, what epics may come?
When we have tricked out our toons to the max,
And bored to tears – then we shall long
For new dailies; what long expansions
Can long bear the scorn of the leet players,
The elitist jerks, the min-maxer’s disdain,
The pangs of bored farmers, the altoholics
Who cry “NOT ANOTHER REP GRIND!”, and the raiders
That blew past the content in two days,
When the developers may their own honor win
Just by making Spirits of Harmony tradeable?
But the dread of endless dailies,
The abyss of dailies, from whose question marks
We flee with our Pandaren Step enchants,
Makes us gaze with longing at empty Valor Points
Which we cannot attain with raiding alone.
Thus conscious does make grumblers of us all,
And thus the desire to be tricked-out raiders
Pales in the light of obsessive pet battles,
And fishing for Spinefish Alphas and mogging,
And so we give the dailies the arrogance
Of our middle fingers.

This is the fourth part of a five-part series on pet battling. You can read the first three parts here, here and here. BE FOREWARNED – this is a massive, massive wall of text.

So you’ve found yourself some pets and you’ve beefed them up a little. Awesome! Now what?

Sounds like it’s time to take on the pet bosses.

Scattered about the world are Master Pet Tamers, people with serious pets who want to challenge you to srs bzns pet battles. You do not need to be afraid of these terrifying individuals! I, Kia of the Sisterhood of Kia, am here to help you.

In the first post, I talked about the two trainers (Audrey Burnhep for Alliance and Varzok for Horde) who guide you though your first pet battles steps. Once you have learned enough about pet battling to satisfy their not-terribly-stringent requirements, they will send you to your first Master Pet Tamer, Julia Stevens for Alliance and Dagra the Fierce for Horde. Once you defeat them, they will then send you on to the next tamer, and so on and so on. The last tamer in the quest series will then send you back to your trainer.

These first six Master Pet Tamers are a quest line specific to your faction, and are the first half of either Taming Eastern Kingdoms or Taming Kalimdor. You currently cannot get credit for both of these achievements on the same character. You will need a character of at least level 5 on the opposite faction to get the opposite faction quest line. If you are not of the same faction, the first six Pet Tamers for the achievement are not interactive. However, if you are stubborn and bullheaded like I am, it is possible to get the victories on your main character as long as you have a level 5 of the opposite faction. Everything pertaining to pet battles is account bound; in fact, once you train pet battling, you never have to train it again – as soon as your characters hit level 5 it becomes available. Therefore, the quests are also account bound. You can pick up the quest on your Horde toon, hop over to your Alliance toon and the Pet Tamer will now be available to battle. If you do it this way, do not turn in the quest on your Alliance toon – go back to your Horde toon to turn it in. Otherwise you won’t be able to get the follow-up.

Why yes, I DID run a level 5 Horde through Northern Barrens. Why do you ask?

It doesn’t matter who gets the victory, though. Only Alliance toons can get Eastern Kingdom credit and only Horde toons can get Kalimdor. Fortunately, you only need one or the other for Taming Azeroth – the meta will show credit for the achievement for the opposite faction’s continent once you defeat the tamers that are available – but you will need both of them in order to finish Taming the World. There will not be enough pet tamers unless you complete the quest line on both factions.

When battling Pet Tamers, keep in mind that their pets are going to generally be stronger than yours. Do not expect to be able to solo a pet tamer – you will almost certainly need at least two very strong pets at level. It’s worth it, though. Defeating a Pet Tamer will give you 3.5x the experience of a normal wild pet, plus finishing one of the Pet Tamer quests will reward you with a Sack of Pet Supplies, which if you are lucky, will contain a few of the very valuable (and soulbound) Battle Pet Bandages, which work the same as pushing the Beautiful Magic Button. Only without having to push the Beautiful Magic Button. Alternatively, you could get junk. Such is life.

Team composition is a bigger deal when battling pet tamers than when battling wild pets. While you can usually overpower stuff in the wild, pet tamers’ pets are going to be strong enough that you really do want to try to tailor your team to maximize strengths. The tamers have all three pets out when you fly up to them, so you will be able to see what you’ll be up against before you go into battle. I would start out with a Mechanical, a Beast, and either a Flying or Aquatic pet. For the purposes of walking you through the Tamers, I am going to operate under the assumption that you are downing Pet Tamers as you go, rather than going back and zerging them once you hit max levels. I’ll only offer suggestions of pets that you can tame at or below the level of the tamer or are available through drops or vendors.

Old MacDonald: Just across the Elwynn Forest-Westfall bridge, Westfall. Battles with Teensy, level 3 Critter; Foe Reaper 800, level 3 Mechanical, and Clucks, level 3 Flying. A great Beast to have as part of your Pet Tamer Battle team is the Panther Cub. Devour is possibly the greatest ability ever. If you have a Mana Wyrmling from Netherstorm or a Shimmering Wyrmling from the Argent Tournament, they are good matches for Old MacDonald’s chicken. If you don’t have any Magic pets yet (you may not), it still shouldn’t be a problem – at level 3, you should still be able to outlast with your Mechanicals and Beasts.

Lindsay: Camp Everstill, Redridge Mountains. Battles with Flipsy, Dipsy and Flufftail – all level 5 Critters. Your Beasts will rip the little girl’s rabbits apart and then you will feel guilty as all hell. You have been warned.

Eric Davidson: Raven Hill Cemetery, Duskwood. Battles with Darkwidow, Webwinder, and Blackfang, all level 7 Spiders (Beasts). In addition to a couple Mechanicals, I would bring a strong healer to this battle, like a Crab, a Fawn, or a Frog. Your Mechanicals will be able to knock down the spiders, but they do have some nasty stuff that might take you out before you claim victory. Blackfang in particular will web you, then do an attack that does double damage if you are rooted. If you’re down to your last pet, make it one that can heal itself.

Steven Lisbane: east of Grom’gol Base Camp, Northern Stranglethorn. Battles with Moonstalker and Nanners, level 9 Beasts, and Emeralda, level 9 Magic. If you have a Dragonkin that you are leveling, you definitely want to use it. I tried taking on Steven with my Panther Cub, Mechanical Squirrel, and a Crab, and Emeralda decimated me. Be careful to use one that uses Dragonkin abilities, though – lots of Dragons actually use Magic abilities, which won’t help you as much. Onyxia Whelpling, if you have one, is a good bet.

Bill Buckler: eastern coastline near Booty Bay, Cape of Stranglethorn. Battles with Eyegouger and Young Beaky, level 11 Flying, and Burgle, a level 11 Humanoid. This will probably be your first real test, because by the numbers, your best choices are two Magic pets and an Undead. Magic pets can be very hard to come by and Undead are a pain in the ass to level. If you have a Ghostly Skull from the vendor in Dalaran, it’s a great choice for Burgle because it will heal and do damage simultaneously. If you don’t have any Magic pets, Mechanicals are a reasonable option here, because of their family passive that brings them back to 25% health.

After you defeat Bill Buckler, he will send you back to Audrey to pick up a quest to defeat the second half of the Eastern Kingdoms tamers, which you can do in any order. Horde characters will also receive a quest to defeat these pet tamers, once they have completed the introductory tamer quest line.

David Kosse: Just north of Jintha’Athor in the Hinterlands. Battles with Corpsefeeder, level 13 Beast; Plop, level 13 Magic; and Subject 142, level 13 Critter.

Deiza Plaguehorn: Across the lake from Light’s Hope Chapel, Eastern Plaguelands. Battles with Bleakspinner and Carrion, level 14 Beasts, and Plaguebringer, a level 14 Undead. Undead are vulnerable to Critters, but I would avoid using mice and rats with abilities like Stampede, a three-round ability. It doesn’t do enough damage to make it worth spending three turns on. Stick with rabbits like the Elfin Rabbit or the Mountain Cottontail – Burrow does some pretty awesome damage in that situation.

Kortas Darkhammer: Thorium Point, Searing Gorge. Battles with Garnestrasz, Obsidion, and Veridia, all level 15 Dragonkin. These guys are nasty. Like lots of dragons, their abilities aren’t all Dragonkin abilities – they have Magic, Elemental and Humanoid ones, too, and Veridia is from the Green Dragonflight, so she goes into the Emerald Dream and heals herself. The worst part about Dragonkin is that they are vulnerable to Humanoids – and you won’t find a Humanoid pet you can tame until you get to Outland. My recommendation would be to go with a team of Snakes. Snakes have the Humanoid ability Counterstrike as their level 15 ability. Combine it with Burrow, which will do a lot of damage and some avoidance, and you should be able to muddle through.

Durin Darkhammer: south of Blackrock Mountain, Burning Steppes. Battles with Comet, level 17 Flying; Ignious, level 17 Critter; and Moltar, level 17 Elemental. Moltar is the kicker; he will use Magma Wave, which will hit all your pets as well as destroy any objects they create. Ignious is a Critter, but he will use Elemental abilities, so avoid using Mechanicals for this fight. Find 2 Aquatics with strong heals and if you haven’t got any Magic pets for Comet, a Beast like the Darkshore Cub. The three-round Hibernate will keep you alive and fighting.

Everessa: North of Sunken Temple, Swamp of Sorrows. Battles with Anklor, level 16 Beast; Croaker, level 16 Aquatic; and Dampwing, level 16 Flying. You will definitely want a Flying pet for Croaker to out-DPS his turn-you-into-a-frog ability. I would go with one that can do Lift-Off, like Polly.

Lydia Accoste: outside Karazhan in Deadwind Pass. Battles with Bishibosh and Nightstalker, level 19 Undead, and Jack, level 19 Elemental. Lydia is a challenge. I was still trying to use my Beasts and Mechanicals, and she slapped me down most derisively. Jack especially is a pain; he does major healing. Try using a Fawn and switching it in on a regular basis to pop Tranquility. Pair it with a couple of Aquatics – maybe a Frog and a Strand Crab.

Congratulations, you have successfully Tamed Eastern Kingdoms! Before Audrey will let you go on to Outland Tamers, though, you will need to finish…

Taming Kalimdor

Zunta: east of Thunder Ridge, Durotar. Battles with Mumtar, level 2 Critter, and Spike, level 2 Beast. Start with a Beast, a Mechanical, and a Flying pet. The first one is always a cakewalk.

Dagra the Fierce: on top of the mountain east of the Crossroads, Northern Barrens. Battles with Longneck and Ripper, level 3 Beasts, and Springtail, level 3 Critter. Still no problems yet.

Analynn: east of Zoram’gar Outpost, Ashenvale. Battles with Flutterby, level 5 Flying; Mister Pinch, level 5 Aquatic, and Oozer, level 5 Critter. Mister Pinch is a crab, so with shield and heal himself. If you were lucky with your Oracle eggs and got a Tickbird Hatchling, Cyclone is a great ability since it can hit your opponent’s back row pets as well. Oozer the snail is considered a Critter, but he has Undead abilities, ironically enough. A Cheetah Cub or Snow Cub’s Rake ability is a good counter to Oozer’s Acidic Goo.

Zonya the Sadist: southwest of Krom’Gar Fortress, Stonetalon Mountains. Battles with Acidous and Constrictor, level 7 Beasts, and Odoron, level 7 Critter. Skunks like Odoron have this extremely annoying ability called Stench which reduces your accuracy by 25% for 4 rounds, and they use it mercilessly. Expect to see lots of misses when you’re battling Odoron. Take them all out with Mechanicals.

Merda Stronghoof: Cenarion Wilderness, Desolace. Battles with Ambershell, level 9 Elemental; Bounder, level 9 Aquatic; and Rockhide, level 9 Critter. You can use Aquatics here to take advantage of Bounder’s Cleansing Rain, especially if Bounder goes first. He doesn’t heal, so if you bring a Frog, you should be able to out-damage him. Rockhide will use Powerball and increase his speed. Use a Beast like a Spiny Lizard with Screech to slow him down.

Cassandra Kaboom: south of Desolation Hold, Southern Barrens. Battles with Cluckatron, Gizmo, and Whirls, all level 11 Mechanicals. Whirls is the worst of the lot with the repairs, so stack Elementals. The Spirit of Summer from the Midsummer Fire Festival is great for massive amounts of damage when you combine Immolate and Conflagrate.

After you defeat Cassandra Kaboom, she will send you back to Varzok to pick up a quest to defeat the second half of the Kalimdor tamers, which you can do in any order. Alliance characters will also receive a quest to defeat these pet tamers, once they have completed the introductory tamer quest line.

Traitor Gluk: south of the Dire Maul entrance, Feralas. Battles with Glimmer, level 13 Dragonkin; Prancer, level 13 Critter; and Rasp, level 13 Beast. Even though Glimmer is a Dragonkin, she LOOKS like a Nether Faerie Dragon and does Magic abilities. You could use another Dragonkin against her, but beware of Rasp, who has Counterstrike.

Grazzle the Great: on the docks in Theramore, Dustwallow Marsh. Battles with Blaze, Firetooth, and Flameclaw, all level 14 Dragonkin. Hold off on this guy until you have level 15 Snakes with Counterstrike. Grazzle is the Horde version of Kortas Darkhammer, only a level earlier. If you have an Aquatic pet with Cleansing Rain or an Elemental with Sunny Day, take it along with your Snakes to overwrite Blaze’s Scorched Earth, which will stack with the dragons’ Burn abilities to cause double damage.

Kela Grimtotem: North of Darkcloud Pinnacle, Thousand Needles. Battles with Indigon and Plague, level 15 Critters, and Cho’guana, level 15 Beast. She is easy enough to take down with two strong Beasts, especially ones that use Devour, and a Mechanical.

Zoltan: Jaedenar, Felwood. Battles with Beamer and Ultramus, level 16 Magic, and Hatewalker, level 16 Mechanical. Beamer has an ability called Interrupting Gaze, which will interrupt multi-turn abilities. Take Mechanicals that only use single-turn abilities, especially ones like Tiny Harvester, since it can also help to mitigate Beamer’s speed-reducing Eyeblast.

Elena Flutterfly: Across the lake from Nighthaven, Moonglade. Battles with Beacon, level 17 Magic; Lacewing, level 17 Flying; and Willow, level 17 Dragonkin. I recommend stacking Mechanicals for this fight. Willow is a Dragonkin, but she also uses some Beast abilities, which are poor against Mechanicals. Beacon uses Illuminate to make it a sunny day, which will boost the healing done. A Mechanical with a strong Repair like a Mechanical Chicken will do well.

Stone Cold Trixxy: In the mountains above Owl Thicket, Winterspring. Battles with Blizzy, level 19 Flying; Frostmaw, level 19 Beast; and Tinygos, level 19 Dragonkin. Just like her opposite number Lydia Accoste, Trixxy’s pets smack you around. Frostmaw will use Prowl to increase his next attack by 150% and Blizzy will use Predatory Strike, which will instantly kill anything under 25% health. They do A LOT of damage. I suggest trying to wear the team down with a Strand Crab using both Shell Shield and and Renewing Mists on cooldown. Substitute in a Mechanical that has Wind-up or use a Celestial Dragon with Ancient Blessing to try to stay alive. Trixxy isn’t easy even when your pets outlevel hers.

Congratulations, you have successfully tamed Kalimdor!

There, you’ve done it! With both Eastern Kingdoms and Kalimdor tamed, Aubrey and Varzok will be looking for new challenges for you. Oh, guess what? These were the easy guys. Next up: the Master Pet Tamers in Outland, Northrend, Cataclysm and Pandaria!