Pansies At Oberlin College Are Demanding That Professors Abolish All Grades Below A ‘C’ And I’m Moving To The Moon Bye

BACK IN MY DAY, being in college was good enough. We were all just happy to be there. Meals were supplied, women were…opportunistic, classes were an afterthought, Natty Light was the $10.99 for a rack, and my metabolism was faster than a Kenyan.

Fast forward five years, I spend $150 a week on groceries, women have acquired ‘standards’ and ‘morals’, I have to work 9 hours a day instead of taking classes in between naps, I spend $8 on a Bud Light at NYC bars, and I have bitch tits. Like traffic cones.

How the mighty have fallen.

That’s why it infuriated me when I heard the news of students Oberlin College in Ohio are biting the hand that feeds them.

Oberlin College’s activist community is ready to call it quits. Progressive students are dropping out of college, citing academic and emotional difficulties stemming from their mental health problems and overall disgust with the toxic culture on campus.

That’s according to a fascinating piece for The New Yorker by Nathan Heller, who interviewed a number of exhausted activists at Oberlin. They perceive that other students, faculty members, and the administration are completely against them, and have made it impossible for them to live on campus. Some are dropping out.

Of course, some of these students probably feel unsupported because their impractical demands were not realized. Two examples: activist students not only wanted to abolish all grades below a ‘C,’ they also thought faculty members should proactively offer them alternatives to taking a written, in-class midterm exam.

This is a true story. It’s not a blurb from The Onion or a satirical piece intended to highlight the general hypersensitivity of college students today, it’s a genuine concern of these students. Who’s to blame? Their parents? Social media for giving these assholes a voice? The cultural landscape that pushes the notion that everyone can change the world even though we are all just dust in the wind who will leave no lasting legacy on the advancement of humanity? Me for getting their message out there? Shit, is it me? Fuck.

I’ll sign out now, but not before giving our youngest millennial Rebecca Martinson the trophy that she so genuinely doesn’t deserve. Good try, good effort, Rebecca.