Tips for jealous types

When I was 17, my girlfriend came with me to get my wisdom teeth pulled. At the doctor’s office, a pretty receptionist greeted me with a big smile and handed me paperwork to fill out. When I checked “single” under marital status, the trouble began.

“You’re not single,” my girlfriend protested.

“Well, I’m not married or divorced,” I replied.

“You have a girlfriend,” she said, “and I don’t want Hoochie Mama thinking you’re single while you’re back there all drugged up.”

“You want me to draw a fourth box that says ‘in a relationship’ and check it?” I joked.

“OK,” she said, without a smile.

I refused to draw the box, but I didn’t so much as glance at the receptionist again, either. That was my first taste of female jealousy, and while I thought it was pretty silly (and a tiny bit scary), it also made me feel valued. And that’s not a bad feeling. Lots of guys I’ve talked to agree that a woman’s jealousy can actually be good for the relationship—as long as she keeps it productive, not toxic. You will, of course, follow your instincts on this, but here, just FYI, are some guys’ guidelines.

Keep your cool

One of my favorite jealousy stories comes from my buddy Jeff,* the stud goalie on my ZogSports soccer team: “I was watching a college football game on TV when my then girlfriend grabbed the remote and changed the channel,” says Jeff. “She said, ‘I know you’re thinking about f—-ing her at the Empire State Building!’” Jeff had once mentioned doing it atop the landmark with an ex whose alma mater, as it happened, was winning the game on TV. When he told his girlfriend she was crazy, she threw the remote at him and said, “Admit it, you still love her!” Jeff did not still love his ex, but suddenly he wasn’t so hot for the remote-controller, either. “If she’d had a sense of humor about how ridiculous she was being, I would have laughed about it too,” he says. “I like it when a woman lets me in on her insecurities—but if she’s going to get irrational, I’m through.”

Tell him how good he is, not how bad he is

My friend Dave is madly in love with his wife of 12 years, Liv—and she clearly hasn’t lost her teenage crush on him. Says Liv: “I’ve told him, ‘Look, it’s not that I don’t trust you, but you’re human, and good men like you are hard to find, so why shouldn’t I expect women to hit on you?’” On long car trips, she’s been known to scroll through Dave’s cell phone and ask him about any names she doesn’t recognize. “I like him to know I’m on him—but in a good way,” she says. Dave says he finds her honesty sexy. And really, no guy’s going to argue if you tell him he’s a catch worth watching out for.

Make him a little jealous

If an honest conversation with your guy (the best approach) doesn’t nip your envy issue in the bud, my friend J.D.’s girlfriend, Tess, has some interesting advice: “Give him a taste of what you’re feeling,” she says. After they’d been dating for about a year, Tess noticed J.D. was acting distant. He was staying late at the office and got calls at all hours from a coworker about a case they were working on together (nothing had happened between J.D. and the colleague, but he admits she was distractingly cute). Then one day, Tess called him up to thank him for the roses. “What roses?” he asked.

“Oh,” Tess said with obvious embarrassment. “Well, I guess never mind then.”

For days he was in a tizzy: Who was trying to move in on Tess? Along with his jealousy came a change in behavior—he was attentive, doting, a model boyfriend. They got so close again that his one-year itch went away, unscratched. That was three years ago, and J.D. and Tess are still together and very happy. Recently, she confessed that there never had been any flowers. What can I say? Well played.