I think, therefore I am David Beckham. That’s what one British philosopher says.

Dr. Andy Martin plans to unveil a new school of thought known as Becksistentialism at the Cambridge Festival of Ideas this week. Dr. Martin says Becksistentialism is just “existentialism, but with a very cool haircut.”

On his blog, Dr. Martin imagines Becksistentialism as Beckham’s “internal monologue as he collides with the Parisian intellectual tradition – the glittering surface of a footballing icon cracked open by existentialism. Golden boy deconstructed.”

Dr. Martin wrote that Beckham’s recent move to Paris ensured that he would undergo a philosophical transformation, since “it is impossible for a reasonably intelligent guy like Beckham not to have had some sort of revelatory encounter while he was there.”

While Beckham has never seemed even a tiny bit interested in any aspect of philosophy or self-discovery, Dr. Martin says Beckham is probably just hiding his secret deep thoughts. “He couldn’t be seen carrying a book as that would shatter his image,” he wrote. “But maybe he looked at The Outsider on his phone while he was in Paris.”

Posh de Beauvoir does have a nice ring to it. And The Second Spice Girl would probably be a major bestseller.

I guess nothing is real except the black beret Beckham wears as he stalks the streets of Paris, smoking, reading, contemplating death.