Wednesday, August 24, 2005

That last flight back...

... to Sydney was the most difficult flight I have made yet.I was worried about Le Tis and 秋. I was fairly confident of 秋's ability to cope, having just met her the day before my flight. That was reassuring. But his illness was another thing altogether. A lot of things was still unknown then and really, the pendulum could have swung either way. My deepest fear was of coming back to Singapore a poorer person.I was troubled by a recently ended relationship. My disappointment in it not working out was already subsiding then. But I have always had this innate fear of hurting other people and I knew I had just hurt a girl. Even though we had reminded each other when we started out to just let things flow and see what happens, that it flowed in the "wrong" way and the eventual breakup still felt bitter. There was this strange feeling of guilt at not being able to have made it work.I was confused about 綺. Partially because she happened so soon after that failed relationship. Partially because it was the second time it happened. That the previous relationship was sandwiched between the first and second times just added to the intensity.And I missed my niece. And my family. And Singapore (!).I had to really fight that feeling of wanting to turn back, to drop everything and to just go home. That I didn't was a minor miracle, or a testament to my own ability to block them all out and get on with the job on hand. But I couldn't hold back the floodgates when the plane started its descent to land at the Sydney airport.I felt a hot tear roll down my right cheek.On thinking back, I couldn't remember the last time I had teared.