I've written and re-written this pretty much every day since I originally posted and I still can't get it right, there are people here with great skill in the use of words and explaining their feelings, I'm not so good but will try, but all of you kind people have taken the trouble to post and I'd like to post back to you all.

Sugerbaby

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and much more importantly I wanted them to know that they CAN TELL if they ever had a similar issue. The lessons they can carry on to their children are many

This is something that I hadn't thought of before, thank you.

Esposa

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If the following sounds judgemental, I apologize up front.

No need to apologise, your post hit the nail on the head, although I feel that I have started this journey of healing it all falls apart where my kids are concerned, I can and am dealing with the results of the CSA, the dissociation, heck I'm even getting to know the little boy I locked up inside my head, but itís all been in isolation inside my own mind. It was a tough day when I finally told my wife and she's been fantastic but my relationship with my kids is somehow different, quite frankly I'd kill to protect them, walk under a bus if needed, and I guess that because of that I feel that I have to be strong, a protector, I am scared that they will see me differently, less of a Father and less of a man.

Crux - youíre a stronger person than I'll ever be

Dark empathy, if I tell then I feel that I owe it to my kids to be frank about how I feel, my mental problems, my dissociation. I've tried to bring them up to be honest and to never be afraid to say what they feel and believe, there's a saying "Don't do what I do, do what I say"

Adam - With my start on this journey of healing I too have found a compulsion to shout it out.

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I see this secret as an impediment to intimacy

It has been that for pretty much most of my life since it happened

Thank you all for your comments, and kind words of advice and support, I can honestly say it has helped me so much.

Edited by tbkkfile (10/05/1302:28 AM)

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To look up and not down,To look forward and not back,To look out and not in

As a teen, I remember my mom telling me about her rape. I think it was important for me to know as I was there when it happened. I was 2. I had been plagued by nightmares, a recurring one, my whole life. It all makes sense now. I was also plagued by feelings of never being safe. it all makes sense now.

Unfortunately, it was at the hands of my father in that he hired someone to rape her because she had kicked him out. At least that is what the cops thought. Of course it was never proven.

I am glad she told me though I really didn't want to know that that kind of stuff happens and that my father could have been that kind of person. But he was and it is the truth and not knowing that it can happen doesn't keep it from happening.

My mther really had a f(*ked up childhood. Knowing that doesn't change how I view her except that I view her as being a very strong woman and I understand her more.

I think it is important to tell kids these things in the context of "Daddy had something bad happen to him. When daddy is distant, it isn't about you or his love for you, it is because of what happened to him." Kids personalize everything. Hell, grown ups personalize things which is why it is important to tell something to people if your actions or lack thereof affect them. Details, in my opinion, do not need to be disclosed except to wife and therapist and recovery friends. Details must be released into the universe to be healed, in my opinion but not to everyone.

After spending the whole of yesterday talking with my wife I finally filled her in on all of the gaps about what happened, she knew some but not all, and between myself and my wife we have decided to tell the kids about what happened to their Father.

Thank you all for your support, advice, and wisdom it really has helped me to reach this decision.

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To look up and not down,To look forward and not back,To look out and not in

Will do Victor and thanks for the messages of support. Deep breath, we've taken the decision to tell them, but the doing is hard, its not the sort of thing that crops up over dinner, "How was your day" "Pretty good thanks, and you", but we will get there and then there will be no more secrets, no more places for it to hide in, I can move forward.....

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To look up and not down,To look forward and not back,To look out and not in

i am just worried about the impact. even if you do the right thing, which i believe you are, other people's reactions are beyond your control. i really hope it turns out as best as possible (notwithstanding the unpleasant subject matter).

then i am worried about your regrets and guilt for disclosing, if there is a negative blowback.

i am sure you have talked it out and thought it through, but i am still worried.

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