I was reading through the "I Ruined My Life" thread, and got to thinking: Let's hear about some of your sloppy stories. Inebriation is preffered to help make the story hilarious, but not necessarily required. Can deal with drugs, women, alcohol, cops, gang rape, midgets, or anything else that the world has to offer. Just keep the stories non-fiction, please. Share up!

Here's one: It was homecoming my senior year in high school. My buddy had decided to throw a huge party out at his grandparent's house because they were out of town.

I procured myself a bottle of 151 and jetted off to the location after the game. Needless to say, I wanted to get DRUNK. I started hitting the 151 pretty quickly, and before I knew it (about a half-hour or so,), I was drunk off my ass. There was only one other person who was at my level at the point, and that was because I had shared some of my 151 with her.

Well anyway, I had a decent amount of cash on-hand (delivery driver at the time) and we were all playing ghetto craps. We played with speed-rules, so I kept winning the numbers, but was too slow and drunk to grab the money so I lost about $40 in that first of all.

Then, some folks pulled up who weren't there before outside, and they were smoking a fatass blunt with some sort of bubonic shit inside. I threw them a couple dollars to smoke me out, and then it all hit the fan.

(Keep in mind this is back when I was HUGE.)

After smoking with everyone, I had attempted to walk back to the house where I fell on the porch outside. I couldn't get up - not to save my damn life. It was less than 10 degrees outside, and I was only wearing shorts and a hoody. A bunch of my friends tried picking me up and getting my fatass back in to the house, but that's definitely easier said than done when you're 340 lbs.

Anyway, eventually I somehow crawled my way back in to the house. The door that I went in was the main one, the kitchen, where everyone was playing beerpong. So yeah, evetyone got to see me crawl in like a jackass.

Then, to make things even better, I ended up puking all over the fucking floor of the kitchen... right where I was laying. Someone grabbed some towels for me to clean up the puke with, which I did. Unfortunately, I then decided it was time to pass out, so I slept ALL NIGHT with my head resting nice on the puke-towels. Delicious vomit hair the next morning.

Anyway, I guess I was just a drunk-ass mess in everyone's way all night. Apparently people were just playing beer pong around my body all night long - for like 6-7 hours haha. I found out later it had only been about 1-1.5 hours MAX that it took me to pass out.

I was at my buddies house. We were drinkin and smokin no big deal. Did it every weekend back then. We had to get drunk fast because his mom was on her way home. I ended up throwing back about 400ml at least of absolut. I was 150 lbs and a super light weight back then.

Well I drank a little to much; a little to fast. I ended up yaking all over his basement. I tried cleaning it up before his mom got home. Not happening. So his mom ended up helping me clean it up when she got home.

I woke up in this tiny spare bedroom in their basement.. About an 8x6 room with no windows. I though I was in jail. Then my friends mom walked in with french toast, and she aparently tucked me into bed that previous night.

Still feel bad about it. We call it even though, my friend yaked all over my basement about a year previous to that.

When I was 18 I was having a bad trip on acid and attacked a group of guys with my butterfly knife. My friends tried to hold me back but failed, ended up getting the knife away from me but I went after the group of them anyway. I knocked down two of them but the other two beat me over the head with their beer bottles. Thankfully my buddies got them off of me. Stay away from acid. I have other similar stories from acid use when I was younger.

Da Vinci wrote:When I was 18 I was having a bad trip on acid and attacked a group of guys with my butterfly knife. My friends tried to hold me back but failed, ended up getting the knife away from me but I went after the group of them anyway. I knocked down two of them but the other two beat me over the head with their beer bottles. Thankfully my buddies got them off of me. Stay away from acid. I have other similar stories from acid use when I was younger.

WTF man. The last thing I want to do when I'm tripping is even be near sober people, much less attack them.

I'll have to try to remember some stories from when I used to drink. For some reason my memory is fuzzy...

tom8658 wrote:Da Vinci wrote:When I was 18 I was having a bad trip on acid and attacked a group of guys with my butterfly knife. My friends tried to hold me back but failed, ended up getting the knife away from me but I went after the group of them anyway. I knocked down two of them but the other two beat me over the head with their beer bottles. Thankfully my buddies got them off of me. Stay away from acid. I have other similar stories from acid use when I was younger.

WTF man. The last thing I want to do when I'm tripping is even be near sober people, much less attack them. Did you take way too much or something?

I'll have to try to remember some stories from when I used to drink. For some reason my memory is fuzzy...

I take it you never had any bad trips? Tripping isn't the same as having a bad trip it's not just having a bad night while you're tripping. I took too much and it was home-made, although I had bad trips from the commercial blotter and gel tabs before as well. Everyone reacts differently when they have a bad trip. Some people want to kill themselves, some people cry in a corner somewhere, some people feel like everyone is out to get them, some people experience all of them. We were outside smoking, the group of guys were walking by and I somehow got it into my head that they were going to circle around and kill us. I got paranoid, lol.

Da Vinci wrote:tom8658 wrote:Da Vinci wrote:When I was 18 I was having a bad trip on acid and attacked a group of guys with my butterfly knife. My friends tried to hold me back but failed, ended up getting the knife away from me but I went after the group of them anyway. I knocked down two of them but the other two beat me over the head with their beer bottles. Thankfully my buddies got them off of me. Stay away from acid. I have other similar stories from acid use when I was younger.

WTF man. The last thing I want to do when I'm tripping is even be near sober people, much less attack them. Did you take way too much or something?

I'll have to try to remember some stories from when I used to drink. For some reason my memory is fuzzy...

I take it you never had any bad trips? Tripping isn't the same as having a bad trip. Everyone reacts differently when they have a bad trip. Some people want to kill themselves, some people cry in a corner somewhere, some people feel like everyone is out to get them, some people experience all of them. We were outside smoking, the group of guys were walking by and I somehow got it into my head that they were going to circle around and kill us. I got paranoid, lol.

Yeah, I've never personally had a bad trip cross fingers. I've seen a few, though, mostly the cry in the corner type.

I did see one guy at a music festival who was seriously fucked up on something, he was stuck in a mud pit and kept slipping and falling down, and every so often he would throw a handful of bills in the general direction of the security guys who were keeping everyone away from him. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen, I'm sure it sucked to be that guy though.

tom8658 wrote:Da Vinci wrote:tom8658 wrote:Da Vinci wrote:When I was 18 I was having a bad trip on acid and attacked a group of guys with my butterfly knife. My friends tried to hold me back but failed, ended up getting the knife away from me but I went after the group of them anyway. I knocked down two of them but the other two beat me over the head with their beer bottles. Thankfully my buddies got them off of me. Stay away from acid. I have other similar stories from acid use when I was younger.

WTF man. The last thing I want to do when I'm tripping is even be near sober people, much less attack them. Did you take way too much or something?

I'll have to try to remember some stories from when I used to drink. For some reason my memory is fuzzy...

I take it you never had any bad trips? Tripping isn't the same as having a bad trip. Everyone reacts differently when they have a bad trip. Some people want to kill themselves, some people cry in a corner somewhere, some people feel like everyone is out to get them, some people experience all of them. We were outside smoking, the group of guys were walking by and I somehow got it into my head that they were going to circle around and kill us. I got paranoid, lol.

Yeah, I've never personally had a bad trip cross fingers. I've seen a few, though, mostly the cry in the corner type.

I did see one guy at a music festival who was seriously fucked up on something, he was stuck in a mud pit and kept slipping and falling down, and every so often he would throw a handful of bills in the general direction of the security guys who were keeping everyone away from him. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen, I'm sure it sucked to be that guy though.

The only thing I remember from Thanksgiving 2003 was waking up on Friday morning with my truck in the front yard with the door still open and a headache that would down a rhino. My knuckles were shredded too.

Two text messages:

"God you're such a dick when you're drunk. Call me when you wake up."

And

"Call me if you're not dead!!!"

The fallout from that day lasted a couple weeks. Had to replace stuff like an accoustic guitar for the one I smashed in a bathtub (not mine), two screen doors, a couple planks of fence and a fencepost, shower curtain and rod, among going on antibiotics for the knuckles getting infected. Genuinely feeling like an asshole was a whole new experience, especially the fact that I drove over 20 miles to get home and don't remember a thing.

Da Vinci wrote:tom8658 wrote:Da Vinci wrote:When I was 18 I was having a bad trip on acid and attacked a group of guys with my butterfly knife. My friends tried to hold me back but failed, ended up getting the knife away from me but I went after the group of them anyway. I knocked down two of them but the other two beat me over the head with their beer bottles. Thankfully my buddies got them off of me. Stay away from acid. I have other similar stories from acid use when I was younger.

WTF man. The last thing I want to do when I'm tripping is even be near sober people, much less attack them. Did you take way too much or something?

I'll have to try to remember some stories from when I used to drink. For some reason my memory is fuzzy...

I take it you never had any bad trips? Tripping isn't the same as having a bad trip it's not just having a bad night while you're tripping. I took too much and it was home-made, although I had bad trips from the commercial blotter and gel tabs before as well. Everyone reacts differently when they have a bad trip. Some people want to kill themselves, some people cry in a corner somewhere, some people feel like everyone is out to get them, some people experience all of them. We were outside smoking, the group of guys were walking by and I somehow got it into my head that they were going to circle around and kill us. I got paranoid, lol.

Wow. Some of this puts me to shame. The only two things that really stand out are one time, when I was living with my brother and his fiancee, I downed a bottle of Jack and decided to help my brother make dinner. I kept pouring Jack into whatever it was he was making and he got really pissed. I tried to kiss his fiancee later.

Then they decided I was too drunk for them to stay home, so they decided to leave. I followed them out to the car and got in with them, I guess he had enough because then he started wailing on me. I had two black eyes, a bloody nose, and spent the night in jail. That sucked, but after a couple days we were back to normal.

Another time I went to a sports bar with my sister to watch Superbowl XXXVII. Man... I got smashed, I remember trying to break one of the chairs in my disappointment over the Raiders. We were asked to leave because I was acting like a tard. I tried to get out of the parking lot and rear-ended a truck. I got about 3 blocks from the bar before my sister forced me to pull over and call a cab.

Then I called my ex-wife and left a nasty message about what a whore slut she is and how I hope she catches some dirty dick disease from being a slut. The next morning I had to go get my car and it was broken into. Luckily there was nothing of value in it. I felt awful that day and swore off whiskey forever.

When I drink whiskey I get fucking crazy, that's why I never touch the shit anymore.

The stories don't have to be violent or anything. Embaressing ones are the best.

For instance;

My sophomore year in college we all decided to get drunk one night. I was pre-pre-gaming a little bit with some Seagram's whiskey and Fayge Rockin' Red Rye. I didn't have too much, probably about 1/2, maybe a little more of the fifth.

After that, however, I went to this one girl's apartment across the road and played a few games of beer pong with fucking Steel Reserve (I assume you all know the horror of SR already.)

Anyway, I'm loaded at this point, and we leave to go pre-game haha. We get to this other girl's apartment, and are playing beer pong, but they were pretty much out of beer. I tell them that it ain't no thang, and we can play liquor pong. Fortunately, everyone else was smart except for me, and wasn't down for that.

Well, I played a game where I was the only one on my team (with all of cups filled up with the rest of my Seagrams,) and the other team had 2 players with only beer.

Things went from 0-60 real quick.

I guess at some point we all tried going to some party but I was being belligerent and crazy (details are sketchy,) so they took my ass home.

Anyway, woke up the next morning with my (tan) beed sheets COMPLETELY reddened from puking up all that Seagrams and Rockin' Red Rye, haha.

I was with 3 friends one time we were walking completely drunk in this really quiet suburb on our way to buy some bread at the 24/7 supermarket. After making fools out of ourselves 2 guys in a car in the parking more drunk than us wanted to sell their alcohol (it was past 11pm) to us to get money to buy gas to get home.

They started fighting each other about the price and stuff. Finally they ended up giving to us the alcohol. They left at like 100km/h on this little road, the guy made a u-turn on the grass of an house very fast, the other guy jumped out of the car screaming stuff like ''mon tabarnak mange de la marde'', and he got thrown an glass bottle by the other who was driving.It was funny

Another time my friend was I party ( I wasnt there). He told me he pissed on the guy computer. Finally people ended up believing the guy pissed on his own computer

Da Vinci wrote:matko5 wrote:I have a self defense mechanism when I drink to much so I don't embarrass myself. I just fall to the ground, and 3 guys have to carry me home. I can't walk in most of the situations