A traveling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn’t sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

“Sure,” said the farmer. “I’ve got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I’ve only got one bed, so you’ll have to sleep with me.”

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn’t get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn’t understand.

“Here’s how it works,” said the farmer. “Everytime you fart, it’s a touchdown.” The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted…and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

My husband has a long record of money problems. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but we can hardly keep up with the interest. He has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors, most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with the Baptists and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ and the next he’s on his knees 5 times a day with Muslims. He’s also demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

It’s horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed,
Lost

Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You live in the White House for free (with your mother), travel the world and have others pay for everything. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 2 more years.

I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

“For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries.

“This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s Pennsylvania , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”God smiled, “Close to Pennsylvania is Washington, D.C. … Wait till you see the idiots I put there!”