Well Played, Jessica Biel

I was looking at this picture this morning and trying to remember when it was that I decided I didn’t like Jessica Biel:

Because she never really did anything all that egregious and yet I just don’t care for her and I couldn’t pinpoint why. I think it all started when she made a bit of a fuss about distancing herself from 7th Heaven. Not that I liked 7th Heaven, particularly, but there’s always something distasteful when someone publicly rejects the thing that made them famous. But I think the real issue came a couple of years ago where suddenly the Hollywood media machine decided Jessica Biel was the Next Big Thing and that we were going to LOVE HER despite the fact that she’d done really nothing all that embraceable. (Other than having a really great body, which is nothing to sneeze at — I covet her guns here.) Suddenly she was all over the place and it was totally inexplicable, remember? Like, at the Oscars for no reason at all and named like The Sexiest Sex Symbol In the Universe and whatnot? And it kind of didn’t work — after all, she’s not really that much more famous now than she ever was, even if she is dating probably one of the most famous dudes in the world. It’s the same thing happened that with Sienna Miller. For a while, the movie-going public was told that we were supposed to be SUPER INTO this person, but we were all like, “….no, thank you. No, seriously. No, thank you. NO THANK YOU SERIOUSLY NOW I HATE THIS GIRL PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THIS. GOD PLEASE SHUT UP WITH THE ENDLESS YAPPING ABOUT THIS PERSON.” So I went through a long period of really wrinkling my nose at Jessica Biel, is what I’m saying. And having said that AT LENGTH, I am able to be objective enough to say that I think she looks kind of great here and I love her lipstick color and the dress is good and she looks pretty. FINE. SHE LOOKS REALLY NICE. Are you happy now, Hollywood, ARE YOU?

Phew. God, I actually feel so much better now. I’m really glad I was able to talk that out. Next, can we tackle my inexplicable and undying love for Mandy Moore? I haven’t figured that out yet, but I know it’s there!