Ellie’s advice: This guy’s not good enough for you, so move on

Q. I need help! This guy finally ended our friends-with-benefits thing after a year, and didn’t even have the dignity to say it to my face. Instead, he got one of my best friends to tell me.

I still love him, care about him, and don’t want it to be over — but I’m not sure if it’s worth it. What should I do — try to get him back or move on?

A. First thing you need to do is look in the mirror. Ask “her” if she knew that signing on to “friends with benefits” meant she/you agreed to have sex with no ties, no commitments, and no expectation of a future together?

Then tell yourself that kind of arrangement is not good enough, since you’re a person who builds emotional attachment and wants love.

Answer: Move on. This guy doesn’t see you as a woman he has to pursue or woo, he’s had what he wanted from your connection, and he’s done.

Now, hold your head high, and if you see him, say you want more from a relationship, but not with him. This time, have enough self-respect to mean it, or you’ll fall into a similar deal of giving in before you get respect.

Q. I had an affair on my partner two years into our relationship. It was devastating. It was a one-time sexual affair, but there were elements of compulsiveness to it. We didn’t go for counselling, but I was required to attend a support group called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), based on the 12-step program, as a condition of us staying together.

I cheated the one time, with one slip. It took four years for me to stop feeling guilty and ashamed, but the relationship was very worth it. I attended meetings for two to three years, three to four times per week. The guilt nearly drove me crazy.

“Not acting out” again with this man went against my grain. But, with the group fellowship support, I looked at the reasons why I cheated and was able to break free of the addiction.

I’ve never cheated again, nor wanted to. My partner and I have been married for eight years, together 14 years, and we now have a wonderful life. Not many know about this period of our lives because it’s a closed chapter. Trust was restored.

I can say that it was the most difficult period of my life, but very worth it. If I’d cheated again, I’d have expected the relationship to end. Once is a mistake that some couples can work through, twice is a warning, but three times is a pattern that’ll never change.

A. Many thanks on behalf of my readers for sharing a tough personal experience that hopefully helps many others whose relationships are in trouble, due to cheating or flirting with crossing that line.

Admitting guilt isn’t easy, but it’s a crucial step to giving a relationship a second chance. Probing the reasons behind the desire or compulsion to cheat — reasons which often start deep in your past — can be even more difficult, but that process is essential to breaking an unhealthy pattern.

And it’s a pattern that would likely repeat in some negative way, even if you were in a future relationship.

Happily the rewards for all the hard work are multiple — rebuilt trust with your partner and increased understanding of each other, new friendships, plus confidence that you can overcome unhealthy, self-destructive behaviour. Congratulations!

Q. My family doesn’t approve of my university boyfriend of two-and-a-half years. He isn’t our same religion; they prefer arranged marriages.

My parents, cousins, aunts, and uncles believe that another guy of our religion (referred by their friends) is more suitable — he’s financially stable, a good person.

My boyfriend just graduated and has a while before he’ll be financially stable to get married.

I love him, but feel I have to choose between my family and him. Also, everyone thinks I’m making the biggest mistake by being with my boyfriend.

A. Take a break to know yourself better, instead of comparing choices.

Consider whether you can withstand family disapproval. If your boyfriend becomes financially stable, will they still see him negatively? Will it be difficult for you to stand by him? If so, despite the new guy’s “credentials,” get to know him and whether there’s mutual chemistry, before you decide.