Meet Bernie Cruz of the Green Tea Party

What happens when Tea Party favorite Sen. Ted Cruz and Sen. Bernie “Southpaw” Sanders get struck by lightning during a total eclipse — and fuse into one grotesque presidential contender? Bernie Cruz of the Green Tea Party, that’s what. If elected, he promises to:

Distribute free guns to every illegal immigrant

“No one, regardless of immigration status, should be deprived of the right to a firearm.”

Build a 2000-mile-long wall of usable compost along the U.S.-Mexico border

“The most eco-friendly way to secure the border is with a 15-foot-high wall of rotting food and other organic matter that no one in his right mind would try to sneak over. As a bonus, it can be used to fertilize farmland on both sides.”

Defend traditional gay marriage

“The federal government must not infringe on sacred institutions in states like Massachusetts and California that have traditionally allowed same-sex couples to marry.”

“With a yearly deficit of hundreds of billions of dollars and more than $18 trillion in total debt, the U.S. government needs to cut its spending. Let’s encourage federal agencies to cut costs by offering them a powerful incentive: more green stuff.”

Empower schoolchildren with vouchers to choose their own birth control

“Students today are getting stuck with a narrow range of rubbers and pills paid for by cash-strapped municipal governments. It’s time for Washington to empower these kids with vouchers redeemable at local drugstores for whatever colorful condom, fun pill or awesome IUD they want.”

Scrap the Department of Education; create the Department of Re-education

“The Department of Education is an expensive, useless entity that is largely to blame for the mess of Common Core as well as the trillion dollars of student debt that is crippling college graduates. It’s time to scrap this monument to waste and build a bigger, better Department of Re-Education that can provide a real national, uniform curriculum to brainwash the youth.”

“Carbon emissions are disrupting climate patterns and causing polar and glacial ice melt, droughts, hurricanes and other pernicious events. If politicians and top environmental activists who travel the world in private jets to give long-winded talks would instead take buses, ride bicycles or get off their asses and walk, global carbon emissions could be cut by 15 percent. Remember: every time President Obama takes Air Force One to a climate change summit, a fairy in the melting polar region of Greenland dies.”

Build a massive pipeline to transport Vermont maple syrup all the way to Texas and beyond

“Everybody loves Vermont’s maple syrup — nutrient-packed, natural and delicious. Yet people in other parts of the country pay a big price for this sweet delight to be shipped to them in gas-guzzling semi trucks, polluting the environment and causing people in places like Texas to turn to unhealthy refined sugar and artificial sweeteners. Let’s build a massive pipeline to transport that sweet Vermont goodness all across the U.S.”

Allow low-income families to hunt urban wildlife

“Who likes invasive species taking over our metropolitan areas? Nobody. Who likes clean cities, empowering the poor, and creating a cycle of self-dependency? Everybody. There’s no reason why low-income families should be prevented from hunting and consuming the natural urban wildlife including pigeons, squirrels and stray cats.”