WRITER

The Gospel According To Some Unidentified Guy

I’m hoping next fall to lead a group of amateur archaeological sleuths into the lands of our biblical forebears to seek out yet more gospels of the life of Jesus. Carrying pickaxes, spades, and a measure of divine inspiration, our aim is to disprove the widely-held notion that the Son of God was a carpenter. (Yeah, sure he was!)

It seems to me to be far more likely that Jesus was actually a short order cook. I have evidence of this via a vision that came to me at two in the morning, when I was in bed with my eyes closed and was snoring (OK, fine, call it a dream if you want). In this vision, Jesus gathers with his disciples at the Second-to-Last Supper and says, “Yo. I sayeth to you now: do not deny me, on the Sabbath, Adam and Eve on a Raft. And always put them in sandals, for I enjoy a picnic. What? Why are you whispering, Judas? You got something to say, say it to my face.” It was a very vivid dream. I mean vision.

(Another little-known fact that came out of that vision: Peter was the disciple who coined the diner phrase “looseners” when refering to prunes.)