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Author
Topic: A must read and reply... "Eliminating the Negativity in Being Positive" (Read 3665 times)

Sooo... I was searching the web and saw this letter from barebackhealth.net I thought it surly would get conversation going on a Sunday night and wanted to see what you all thought of it - if for anything just to give everyone something to write about... I'll post the link but also post the letter.

PS... Wooo who... I have decided to make a change... I am very excited about this ---> Tom is becoming a flight attendant in August, I start August 7th ...

Those of us who are Negative and barebackers walk a thin line. On one hand, most of us have a natural desire to remain Negative, while at the same time having the natural desire to enjoy sex without barriers. There is a very delicate balance to all thisÖ bad decisions, moments of passion, lapses in judgment alone can disrupt that balance. And the false assurances of Positive men that they are Negative have the ability to do much damage in the wake of a fleeting moment of immediate gratification.

It seems that a good number of Positive men forget how delicate this balance is. Many seem to feel that HIV is something Negative men should overlook ~ or worse yet, that we should resign ourselves to acquire. Some POZ men see this disease as nothing more than an inconvenience of being gay and sexually active, and in that light an inconvenience their Negative brothers should share with them. Still others see it as an elephant in the room that should not be discussed.

Recently I have had conversations with numerous men on the subject of sex and sero-sorting, and I come away from those dialogues with a strong sense that the Positive men I chatted with feel as though I owe them a fuck because I am a barebacker AND Negative. There is a prevalent attitude among POZ men that I am either flawed or prejudiced against them for not wishing to throw all caution to the wind for a tumble in their POZ holes. Believe me, this is hardly the case. And for the record, there are many men I would LOVE to have fucked, but have turned down in the interest of keeping my HIV-Negative status. That hasnít always been easy. But to me, it has become a practice of necessity.

Why don't we substitute the name of a different disease for HIV for a moment to illustrate why I and any other Negative man might not be so willing to engage in unprotected sex with someone who is Positive. Let's use Herpes. Like HIV, Herpes is treatable but incurable. I donít see a lot of men dropping their pants and jumping into bed with the first men they meet who have an active Herpes infection. And generally speaking, most men who have Herpes are conscientious enough to tell their partners beforehand and/or abstain from sexual contact during an outbreak. They accept the nature and consequences of their disease and act accordingly.

Letís plug in the name of another disease here: Hepatitis C. Hep C is permanent, debilitating, and not treatable. Again, I donít bear witness to men wooing uninfected partners into bed with the promise of sharing Hep C. And, of course, I donít know of anyone who would intentionally go out of his way to sleep with someone in hopes of catching it. Of course, there are probably a few bug chasers out there who would not pick and choose their viruses and who would take Hep C or Herpes as part of a package deal with HIV. But Iím just not seeing these viruses being singled out as attractive to healthy, sexually active males.

So what possesses HIV+Positive men to assume that HIV would be any different in the minds of Negative men? The fact is that itís not. Even Negative men who might have Herpes or Hep C donít necessarily want HIV added to the mix. And the notion by some of you Positive men that we Negative men must want to acquire HIV or we wouldnít be barebacking is nothing more than a convenient justification designed to rid yourselves of guilt over the fact that you are not upfront with your partners about your status. You arenít comfortable admitting your HIV to others so you talk yourselves into the belief that anyone who barebacks is a bug chaser. Boy, have you got that wrong! And the damage you do under the influence of that flimsy justification is inexcusable.

Now, if youíre POZ youíre probably thinking that I have something against POZ guys. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have many friends and ex-lovers who are HIV+Positive, and I love them all dearly. But that does not mean that I am going to hop in bed with someone who is POZ and fuck him bare like thereís no tomorrow any more than I would hop into bed and fuck with anyone who has Herpes or Hep C or ANY communicable disease. I have nothing against youÖ but I do have something against the diseases, and my underlying rationale is purely that of self-preservation. Some of you POZ men need to start realizing this and stop taking it so personally.

Most of you who are POZ came by the disease accidentally. The person who infected you didnít know he was POZ, didn't tell you he was POZ, or intentionally lied to you about his POZ status. I am completely sincere when I say I think thatís terribly unfortunate. Itís a situation I work very hard to try to correct in our community by encouraging frequent testing and complete honesty among partners. And I provide as much information as possible to Negative men on ways we all can avoid going into situations that are certain to result in HIV infection. But I also have to remind you POZ guys that you have a part to play in all this too. You have an obligation to NOT spread the disease to other men, despite the justifications you may have talked yourself into in the past, and even despite what some HIV-Negative men claim they want. If a guy in a chat room says he wants to be converted, thatís hardly license to throw all of your morals out the window to accommodate him. You know that HIV is no walk in the park. You know that it alters your life drastically in many ways. And you know that it is not something that improves the lives of those who have it. So unless youíre completely sociopathic, why in the world would you want to fuck up someone elseís life with it... especially when your only reason is getting your dick off?

I donít care if you were lied to, and thatís how you acquired HIV. Fact is, thatís past history. And you have the opportunity to be a better person to your sex partners than someone was to you. Let go of the resentment; it accomplishes nothing. Stop making up excuses and justifications for spreading the disease. Do the right thing. And stop feeling sorry for yourself when and if someone turns you down for sex based on your HIV status, because that person is not rejecting YOU, heís rejecting the disease.

Weíre all in this together. And the only way weíre going to bring about an end to HIV is to work together. That means we all have to make an effort to be HONEST with each other even if it means losing sexual conquests now and again. It means we have to practice respect for each other. It means we have to learn the power of the word "no" and know when to apply it without reservation. It means we have to make a pact with our "selves" to be the best person we can be even if it means making sacrifices. It means we have to graciously accept our circumstances and not wish harm upon other people even if someone else was less courteous to us. These may seem like difficult tasks in print. However they are amazingly simple in practice once you get the hang of them. Try them out for a while. Try being the better person and see how even during disappointments you feel good about yourself when you know youíre doing the right thing. Before long you may find yourself a changed personÖ for the positive!

What an asshole this guy is. He talks about poz guys having an "obligation"not to spread this HIV. But he mentions nothing about his responsiibilityto protect himself from HIV. It seems to me he doesn't want to acceptthe risk of barebacking. And is trying to lecture and guilt poz guys into disclosing, in order to build himself a cozy and safe world for barebacking.

I find his attitude patronizing and insulting. "If only all the poz guys would be honest, and keep to themselves, all of us neggie barebackerswouldn't have to worry any more." Yes, I think disclosure is the right thing to do. But guess what -- people don't always do it. So barebackers have to live with the risk and consequences of their choice to bareback.

I also resent his implication that poz guys are so miserable and bitter aboutbeing poz that they want to make everyone else's life miserable too, bydeliberately spreading HIV.

His last paragraph really takes the cake: "We're all in this together." True, but I get the impression he really wishes we were not. I findhis whole article extremely divisize, and condescending. Here's howI interpret a few of his final comments:

"Graciously accept our circumstances" = "accept being a second classcitizen".

"try being the better person" = "all poz guys are bad"

"feel good about yourself when you know youíre doing the right thing" ="leave us neggies alone so we can feel safe barebacking"

All in all, I find this insulting and condescending. I think he'd like all pozguys to have a scarlet letter on their chest. It chaps my hide when anegative person tells me who I should behave or feel when it comes to beingpositive.

Regards,

Henry

Logged

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Yes, too long, and it's arrogant. According to him we're poz and we don't understand why neg people who bareback don't want to fuck us I never asked a neg person to fuck me bb.. maybe this situation happens, and then what, he says that it's bad for us to spread the virus that way? I'm sure this guy is so selective and careful that his barebacking experience will always turn out the way he wants. Unless someone lies to him, and that will be terribly unfortunate, for sure.

What Jack does not seem to realize is this epidemiological truth: The majority of HIV infections (75% here in NC) are caused by men who do not know that they are HIV positive and are often in the window period where they would have no way of knowing their status. It is those who think they are negative, while having viral loads so high they are shedding virus like crazy, that are at the forefront of the wave of infection.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

One of the scariest things I've run across is that for some, Barebacking is code for "I'm Poz and you are too." For others it means, "I'm negative and you are as well." But rarely do they actually discuss to which camp they belong. They just expect that their partner is of the same mindset.

That fact alone to me implies that eventually, just about everyone who regularly plays BB, will probably become Poz.

I did the same as you Ann. Stop reading when he said Hep-C is not treatable. As you say it can be cured and now even up to 93% of the people that get infected with Hep-C (types 1 and 4) achieve a cure with the new Rocheīs treatment: Pegasys and Copegus in 24 weeks.

But to him all i would say, and I've said it a million times, is that all anyone has to do to get someone to bareback is to lie to him. (or just simply not to know that he/she is poz).

If someone chooses to bareback, then it's their life. However, to hold others accountable to your own personal code of ethics is simply stupid... especially when that code of ethics is based on nothing more than a selfish desire to get off.

Logged

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

I stopped reading when he proclaimed that hep C isn't treatable. Not only is it treatable, but it can also be cured. I know this first hand.

This guy doesn't know his ass from his elbow.

What a jerk. How about the false assurances of positive men who DON'T KNOW THEY'RE POSITIVE? I'm quite certain they outnumber, by far, the men who knowingly lie.

This guy's nothing more than an ignorant, bombastic twit. If he isn't positive yet, he will be one day - and he'll blame everyone but himself.

I totally agree, with your take on this one. What a stupid head is old bare back jack, you are right he will surely get his one day... D

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Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. Calvin Coolidge