If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever wooden-slatted chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough farking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this community, we have been farkING UP in terms of circle jerks and general social interactions with meat world people. I've been getting texts on texts about farkers LITERALLY being so farking AWKWARD and so farking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee, I've been having so much fun with my cats this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to farking find you on site to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fark, and meat world people do not give a flying fark, about how much you farking love to talk to your cats. You have 361 days out of the farking year to talk to cats, and this week is NOT, I farking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the meat world, and that's not farking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to cats and not other people. Newsflash barjockey you cock: PEOPLE DON'T LIKE INTERNET WEIRDOS. Oh wait, DOUBLE farkING NEWSFLASH: REAL WORLD PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE farkING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE farkING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shiats that have talked openly about posting on FurNation IN FRONT OF MEAT WORLD PEOPLE. Are you people farking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore events. If meat world people openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Mustard Man over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE fark WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be posting on other sites, I don't give a fark if your nonexistent-boyfriend is on it, if your cat is on it, or if your Canadian girlfriend who's a model is on that site. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do farking NOT convince other farkers to leave with you.

"But Laughter OL!", you say in a whiny little biatch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been showing my BIE on all the sites, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID farkING ASS HATS, IT farkING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW farkING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN farkING UP AT CIRCLE JERKS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being farking WEIRD at CJs (for example, being stupid shiats and saying stuff like "durr what's an Unscrooger?" is not farking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually circle jerking on the opposing site. The opposing. farking. Site. ARE YOU farkING STUPID?!! I don't give a shiat about Communities, YOU CIRCLE JERK ON OUR GODDAMN SITE AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A CIRCLE JERK? ARE YOU farkING BLIND? Or are you just so farking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the community is going to make your CJs happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE farkING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY YOUR farkING CATS. I will farking coont punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fark if you BANHAMMER me, I WILL farkING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Taco Zaires! I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that lurks in the corners eating bacon at night or if you're a weird shiat that does weird shiat during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT POST IN TONIGHT'S CIRCLE JERK.

I'm not farking kidding. Don't. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS community. I would rather have 40 attractivece internet weirdos that are drunk, talk to internet people, and not farking awkward than 80 that are farking sober dildos. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't circle jerk I'm talking to my google group and TFFB and Tinychat", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't farking post unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our community. Seriously. I swear to farking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's circle jerk, I will tell you to ragequit even if you're lurking in the corner eating bacon. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are facepalming at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fark. Go fark yourself.

Yeah, I can see thinking that. I can see saying that, in a closed room by yourself. I can even see typing it, and then deleting it and starting over.

I can't see actually SENDING it to a list serve. That's...that's stupid. And this girl is probably 17-22, so she should know how the internet works. This isn't like some 70 year old senator being confused about the tubes.

FTA: If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't farking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter.

So the message here is (a) drink up so you're comfortable; and (2) get to farking. This woman is the sort who, when one of her sorority sisters is raped by a high-status frat boy, will tell her to keep quiet about it, you probably wanted it more than you're admitting, it's OK, he's hot, do NOT go to the cops because it will totally ruin our relationship with Alpha Beta. Date rape? No, that's the loss-leader you give away to get some repeat business. We must increase our market share in with the high-status fraternities.

I suspect she's the hot one in her house and she's pissed because she was turned down at the higher-status sorority house. Now she's hell bent on improving her house which is made up of pleasant-looking but a little awkward, probably all communications majors who'll get married right away to be stay-at-home suburban moms and have nice little family lives and GODDAMMIT YOU STUPID COONTS!! YOU'RE GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY SOCIAL CLIMBING!!!

That's not how I read it. It was more like "we have certain social responsibilities, don't be rude, be good hostesses, you knew that coming in so don't go backing out now." But with more profanity, invective, and some really good imagery.

I LOL'd. She's an idiot for sending the email out. Fortunately, although her choice of language isn't great, the content isn't anything objectionable. The Greek system is ALL about social networking, and her sisters were doing a shiat job of it, fumbling an opportunity someone (probably her) worked hard to arrange.

My daughter sent me this link earlier...I can't help but to wish I could say these things to people around me. I have screamed similiar things in my head but been forced to be nice...now I will just think the words "c*nt punt" and giggle to myself.

I'll never understand the American obsession with proms, frats, and college in general. I suspect it's something to do with the absurd 21 drinking age. Frats, at least at our university, were for the dorks and douche-bags, and the overwhelming majority of students were not frat members. Our highschool graduations are a year end party where half the class can legally buy liquor for the other half, and despite our constitutional monarchy, we don't have kings and queens of the student body and I don't understand what home coming is either.

Wow, such stellar use of English language -- I bet her family is so proud of their little college sorority slut who cares more about acting like an asshole than actually learning for a future career that may guarantee financial independence.

InmanRoshi:ImpatientlyUnsympathetic: InmanRoshi: WeenerGord: Somebody grabbed a copy of her twitter feed before she deleted it

If that's real this girl is a national treasure.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-most-insane-e-mail-from-a-sororit y- girl-you-will-ever-re (Sorry, I know its Buzzfeed, but they identified her but blurred her stuff out...)

I'm guessing she was raised by a stay at home mom with a 5 bar of Xanax and 2 bottles of wine per day, and a dad who's a stockbroker and doesn't live with the family anymore after he ran off with his secretary half his age in his leased Porsche.

I am going to go with her parents are still together but hate one another. I think her mom does her best to look extremely well put together (or alternatively, she's a hag, hence the daughter's hatred for fat people) and her dad boinks a range of not-her-mom broads, so out of guilt, he pretends to like her mom at holidays and gives the brat an Amex. The girl doesn't use the card on bras or shoes, as I believe has been established, so I am going to guess she buys her sisters' clothes on the Amex and then has them pay her in cash, which she uses on her drug of choice (diet pills!) Rather than sorting out her own issues over her parents' failed marriage, she gets her fill of frat boys who use her like her dad uses his secretaries, her mother's "friends" and now, as she's a Junior in college, her own peers, for his own purposes... Soon, when she's off their dime, they'll get divorced and he'll marry someone only a tiny bit older than her and start his second family!

I once had a guy on my lab team in my senior year of college who seemingly had a debilitating learning disability, if not outright borderline retarded. I literally don't know how he managed to tie his shoes in themorning, much less how he get accepted into a University. He was also 6'5" and president of his fraternity. When it came time for on-campus recruiting the rest of my lab mates and I were swapping stories and humble- bragging about who we had interviews lined up with and how long the interviews were and how much they were offering entry level salary, etc. Finally we got around to the fraternity guy, and he said he wasn't bothering with interviewing because he had already accepted a job offer. Oh, and he was making about 50% more than the rest of us. He got the job through a former ex-President of his fraternity. In a world of who you know, not what you know ... he was at least 5 years head of us on the career ladder.

that bosnian sniper:ImpatientlyUnsympathetic: They all sound boring and annoying. This one is the loud annoying one who thinks she's queen, but the other ones are stuck up biotches who are socially awkward. And you know they can't hold their liquor. No way I'd hang out with them, because I don't like to be vomited on.

In my experience, it's the loud, annoying "alpha" type that ends up vomiting anywhere but inside a bucket, trashcan, or toilet, sobbing and screaming in the bathroom, throwing shiat, and generally wrecking everyone else's fun in the process.

The Alphas I've known are the ones who secretly upchuck in places without telling everyone. You see them with it on their chin, but you don't know WHERE you're going to find it (bathtub, off the balcony, in your closet are good bets though) but the Awkwards are going to just straight out puke in front of you. No matter what, they can't hold their liquor and they're going to do some ugly crying on your shoulder like they're your good best friend. And they probably take turns being the one caught knob slobbing more than one guy in a night. They can't all go full skitch (skank biotch) in the same night. Since they seem organized, they probably have a calendar of who's night it is to contract something antibiotics may/may not resolve...

theorellior:All of you Farkers are hating on a tradition you know nothing about, you all must have been pencil-necked pizza-faced geeks in the Chess Club, fraternity brothers get access to more top-shelf pussy than you could shake a stick at, and the relationships you make in the Brotherhood will last you a lifetime.

ImpatientlyUnsympathetic:They all sound boring and annoying. This one is the loud annoying one who thinks she's queen, but the other ones are stuck up biotches who are socially awkward. And you know they can't hold their liquor. No way I'd hang out with them, because I don't like to be vomited on.

In my experience, it's the loud, annoying "alpha" type that ends up vomiting anywhere but inside a bucket, trashcan, or toilet, sobbing and screaming in the bathroom, throwing shiat, and generally wrecking everyone else's fun in the process.

Sororities are kind of dumb. I never really understood what the Ladies got out of them. The ones I was familiar with had all sorts of stupid rules and their houses albeit nice were locked down like no other. No guys were supposed to be allowed etc. They had all sorts of dues and it seemed like work

Most Fraternities I was familiar with - Pay your social dues or you can't come to parties (but we will usually turn a blind eye if your not an douche). The money of course was used to simply by booze. You get a better / cheaper place to live

$1600? holy shiat. I paid $25/year while I was active. Does that kind of money at least get you blown on a weekly basis?

Ours was $100/semester I think. It mainly went to any and all arts and crafts (ie making posters for bake sales - there's a lot of that in sorority life) and throwing parties and we had a little fund to help out sisters and pledges who needed help affording the fees and pledge books and things.

macadamnut:FuryOfFirestorm: I don't get why people bother joining a frat. If I want to be abused, humiliated, and almost die from alcohol poisoning, I can do it for a lot cheaper than $1600.

All of you Farkers are hating on a tradition you know nothing about, you all must have been pencil-necked pizza-faced geeks in the Chess Club, fraternity brothers get access to more top-shelf pussy than you could shake a stick at, and the relationships you make in the Brotherhood will last you a lifetime.

/obligatory

While I am a geek (the non-pencil neck variety), I had perfect skin and I was a member of the FFA in high school (there was no Chess Club, sadly). Also, I prefer cock over pussy, and I have lots of friends that I met and kept over the years that didn't acquire via cheap alcohol or paying thousands of dollars.

I'm sorry your parents paid out the nose so you could crawl on all fours in a diaper while you got paddled by several dozen guys - or as I call it, "Tuesday Night".

FishyFred:I'm not going to post the link, but TotalFratMove has a pic of the girl who sent the e-mail and it's just so easy to visualize her face contorting into Rage Queen mode while she was writing this e-mail.

She looks like a total sorowhore. She's going to leave school hopefully with a degree and a couple of other things that modern medication can't cure.

FuryOfFirestorm:I don't get why people bother joining a frat. If I want to be abused, humiliated, and almost die from alcohol poisoning, I can do it for a lot cheaper than $1600.

The thing that gets me is the "greek life" racket is so mind-bogglingly potent and effective, that they get women -- women for god's sake -- to pay for this shiat. Not just pay, pay a shiatload of money.

Lexx:I LOL'd. She's an idiot for sending the email out. Fortunately, although her choice of language isn't great, the content isn't anything objectionable. The Greek system is ALL about social networking, and her sisters were doing a shiat job of it, fumbling an opportunity someone (probably her) worked hard to arrange.

Yeah this is why I love this letter. This complaint has happened in every sorority that has ever existed. But those complaints were never, ever this epic.

Makes me miss Greek life. Mark and Bryce and I were all pretty good looking in college. I was probably the best looking. I swam a lot so I had an awesome body. It's been a few years, but I like to think that I still inspire some cucumber sales in the chicks around the office. If I wasn't the boss and "married", I'd be popping them on and off my cock like swish-ka-bob chicken.

Anyway, M B and I, used to go to off campus parties. We'd find a dude there with a good looking girlfriend. Mark and Bryce would buddy up to the dude, talking him up, doing shots with him, really selling himself back to himself. He was always reticent at first, having never had any positive attention paid to him by a peer, but after a few drinks we was popping off gay jokes, high fiving, all the stupid bro shiat. That's when I'd go to work on the girlfriend. M & B would keep him distracted while I talked her into a back bedroom with a little help from Mr. Sandman.

When I'd had her back there for a while, M & B would bring the boyfriend back and throw open the door. I'd always have his girlfriend doggied out so I could watch the door and see his expression when he recognized who was in the pretty portrait laid before him. It was always a double banger of shock and sadness, because the girlfriend would look up, with this drenched look of pleasure on her face, and meet the dude's slack jawed gaze. I'm sure seeing his girlfriend falling in love with a cock behind her stuck in his memory for a while.

But yeah, the biatch in the e-mail sounds nuts. M & B & I probably would've passed all of them over. Probably a bunch of fatties.

I don't get why people bother joining a frat. If I want to be abused, humiliated, and almost die from alcohol poisoning, I can do it for a lot cheaper than $1600.

One of the worst assholes I ever knew was my roommate in college. He spent 90% of his time getting sh*t-faced drunk at his fraternity (the douche only got in because his brother was vice president of the frat or something) and the remaining 10% of his time was spent entering our dorm at 3 AM, soaked in booze and puking all over the floor.

Lollipop165:Meh, I understand the problem she's having. Running a sorority is like running a business. The fact is, if people don't like you, then people don't join you and then your sorority dies out. Likability is what is marketed in Greek life - if you don't understand that your group isn't going to last too long.

Hey, I understand the problem, I'm just pointing out how pathetic it is.

See? and that's the problem with modern sororities. With all those anti- hazing rules, she 's reduced to sending out a deranged e-mail rather than just lining up the reclacitrant sisters and paddling them, thereby giving the guy who installed hidden cameras in thier house when he was "fixing the wiring" somethigng to treasure forever

My name is Rachel Norris and I am the current president of Delta Gamma at the University of Maryland. It has been brought to my attention that you recently published an unsavory email that was sent out over my chapter's list-serve. Is it possible for you to either remove the article or just remove the names "Delta Gamma" and "Sigma Nu" from your article? This email absolutely does not reflect our chapter's values nor Sigma Nu's and any assistance you can give us is greatly appreciated.Sincerely,Rachel Norris

At least she was polite with the request, no "I'm gonna sue you" or some lame attempt to deny it. Although sticking her name there for Google to index for all of eternity wasn't the greatest idea. Time to floor the gas on the getting married part and losing your maiden name.

My name is Rachel Norris and I am the current president of Delta Gamma at the University of Maryland. It has been brought to my attention that you recently published an unsavory email that was sent out over my chapter's list-serve. Is it possible for you to either remove the article or just remove the names "Delta Gamma" and "Sigma Nu" from your article? This email absolutely does not reflect our chapter's values nor Sigma Nu's and any assistance you can give us is greatly appreciated.Sincerely,Rachel Norris

what_now:Yeah, I can see thinking that. I can see saying that, in a closed room by yourself. I can even see typing it, and then deleting it and starting over.

I can't see actually SENDING it to a list serve. That's...that's stupid. And this girl is probably 17-22, so she should know how the internet works. This isn't like some 70 year old senator being confused about the tubes.

She's about to learn something she didn't know: Actions can have consequences.