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Rainbow episode review: A plague on both your houses

This episode is all about having a shit day. It’s a good episode, because it teaches kids that ‘your life will be nothing but problems’.

Geoffrey is minding his own business in bed.

This is a good start to the day. I always find being unconscious is an excellent way to avoid problems. However, can any eagle-eyed readers spot what Geoffrey’s doing wrong?

That’s right, he’s forgotten to lock Bungle out of the house.

Because of Geoffrey’s mistake, he’s woken up by Bungle coming in and standing over him like a hairy sex pest.

“Hi Geoffrey.”

“Bungle what the fuck are you doing?”

“I thought I’d come and see why you haven’t been in to wake us up.”

“What? Well clearly I didn’t fucking need to did I?”

Geoffrey’s slept through his alarm. IT’S NINE O CLOCK! The gang are going to be late for sitting there doing fuck all like they always do. Bungle tells Geoffrey: “We were awake and heard the alarm but did nothing about it because you hadn’t woken us up.”

At this point Geoffrey is debating whether to just go back to sleep for the rest of his life.

What do you think? Should Geoffrey:

A) Pretend to be in a coma for the next five years
B) Get up even though he’s clearly cursed today

Whoops, Geoffrey selects B. He gets up and immediately pulls the curtain off the window. Also the stock market collapses and the Daily Express predicts the coldest winter for 500 years, which has something to do with Diana.

Maybe they’ll all feel better once they go downstairs for breakfast. Geoffrey’s got as far as putting some socks on before deciding that’s all the getting dressed he can be arsed with today. I don’t think the others are in any position to judge him for not getting dressed.

Ok, let’s have some breakfast. Holy shit, they’ve got a box of that Teddy Bix they’re always going on about. I always thought that was a made up cereal. But if Teddy Bix is real, why are they always going to the trouble of having ‘Rainbow puffs’, or ‘Rainbow flakes’, or some other stupid lying cereal?

Oh dear, the box is empty. George tells Geoffrey that he was supposed to get some more when he went shopping.

“Hang on George, you were supposed to remind me.”

“No Geoffrey, you were supposed to remind me to remind you.”

“Shut up George, I’m never buying any food ever again, how about that.”

After breakfast, Bungle is entrusted with taking all the stuff back to the kitchen. There is, predictably, a huge crash from the kitchen. I’ve put Geoffrey’s reaction in the form of a lovely photo montage:

Now then. As with any good story, there’s a massive event that causes conflict, and the hero’s quest, or something. In this episode, the big huge event is that Auntie’s coming round for tea. The way they’re all going on about it, I think Auntie has promised to break their legs next time she comes round.

Bungle decides to paint a picture for Auntie. Presumably his plan is ‘Auntie will see this picture and realise how shit we are at everything, then she’ll feel sorry for us and not break our legs’.

Also, Zippy’s broken his finger and has a massive bandage on it. He doesn’t explain how this happened, and it is NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN.

And then, as if their whole existence isn’t cursed enough already, they can’t find the story book, which means they can’t have a story. Fucking hell.

Somehow they manage not to injure themselves, get sued or die while tidying up ready for Auntie. Still no word on how Zippy broke his finger.

Instead of Auntie, we get Jane wandering in uninvited.

“I’m looking for Rod and Freddy, have you seen them?”

“Try the kitchen, that’s where you three fucking live.”

Geoffrey’s face.

Jane goes away, and is replaced with Freddy, looking for Rod and Jane. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that we’ll also get Rod, looking for Jane and Freddy.

Boom. I shall dine out on this victory for years to come.

While all this has been going on, the gang have become increasingly worried about Auntie, who still hasn’t turned up. Since the Rod/Jane/Freddy thing only lasted 30 seconds, we can assume that Auntie is only 30 seconds late.

The phone rings. “Ooh, I wonder who that is?” says George. You know those ‘Scratch 3 symbols off then phone this 0900 number to see what you’ve won’ things? George is exactly the sort of person they’re aimed at.

Geoffrey plays the phone call like an Eldorado cliffhanger: “What’s that Auntie? It’s not my baby? Also she’s taken all the money and gone back to Leeds with Alan from the burger van? Madre de dios!”

In reality, it’s that they’ve all got their days wrong, and that Auntie is actually coming round tomorrow. Geoffrey blames this oversight on the house being cursed.

The gang all agree that this is just a shit day all round, and that the house is cursed. Then they just kind of sit around and laugh. Zippy’s finger injury is never explained.

So what have we learned today? Sometimes it’s better to stay in bed and fake being in a coma. Don’t bother doing anything ever because it will just go wrong. Zippy’s in trouble with the Mafia. Geoffrey’s been watching too much reality TV.

Fucking Teddy Bix. They should be force fed muesli. And not the posh stuff that comes in recycled cardboard boxes with an earthy colour scheme, but that Alpen bullshit which is basically just dust with the odd raisin in it. With skimmed milk.