The Return Of The Krampus (A Holiday Tale)

Saint Nicholas was quite a merry soul, but he rarely gave out any coal. Year by year he’d deliver toys to undeserving girls and boys. They would curse at that parents and torture their peers, not eat their vegetables and even drink beer!

As time passed, they wanted more and more. The elves couldn’t produce these fancy gizmos and were forced to buy them from stores!

Every generation got worse and worse, a child couldn’t speak to their mother without uttering a curse. There was no time to spend with dear old dad, because of how much online fun they’d had. They made some laugh and made some cry, they even made some take their lives!

Yet the good old Saint delivered to them their game consoles and phones, things that he could never see a use for at home. The orders piled in, they piled in with a fervor; the elves ran out of stock and had to import them direct from a Chinese server!

But deep at the bottom of the North pole, therein lies a very old soul. Older than man, in the core of the earth, that is where the Krampus lurked. He’d watch them by night and he’d watch them by day; he’d watch them with such an unnerving display. He knew it was time to come out of hiding, by Saint Nicholas’s list he was no longer abiding.

“He won’t call them naughty, he won’t call them nice. He won’t give them coal, so he’ll pay the price!” The Krampus thundered as he removed himself from his seat. “There’s so many rotten children that need to be beat!”

So the Krampus opened a brazen old chest, and searched for the paddle that he liked the best. He blew off the dust that caked up over the years and examined the handle for cracks and tears.

He observed the craftsmanship of such a beast and it was worthy of discussion over a feast. He met with the Saint on that cold winter day, to discuss the atrocities of this new age.

“What happened to toy trains, dolls and little wooden cars? Now they want these devices, and I don’t even know what they are!”

Saint Nicholas was beside himself with grief. “They don’t even deserve these things, they don’t deserve them in the least!”

The Krampus spoke up while in front of his plate of ham. “Quite frankly, this generation doesn’t give half a damn!”

“But I have a plan to straighten their spines.” He said with a grin. “I’ll show them the true meaning of discipline!”

Saint Nicholas knew well what had happened last time, when he had last made a deal with this slime. The Krampus crept up on the children snug soundly in bed and he’d scare them awake, beating them until they wished they were dead.
Sometimes he’d carry around a big iron pot and warn that he enjoyed eating children, he enjoyed it a lot!

Despite such torture, the portly man knew that if discipline didn’t come to these brats, they’d probably wind up in a zoo!

“I’ll make you a deal, you old demon, you! If you’ll keep the punishment light, then we’ll both leave by sleigh at a quarter till two.”

The Krampus grinned wildly and shook the good saint’s hand, thinking of all the wonderful torture he’d planned. He’d string them up by their ears and he’d bronzen their butts, he’d put salt in their eyes and he’d sour their guts!
Nothing too rough and nothing too vile; but it just might teach them to mind every once in a while.

The clock had struck just a quarter after one, when the Krampus was still loading up his big bag of fun. Saint Nicholas’s bag of goodies this year was slim, but the Krampus’s bag nearly towered over him.

“I’m certain that there are plenty of naughty girls and boys.” Said the Krampus, looking at his oversized bag of demented joys.

But Saint Nicholas replied, “Careful there demon, as I’ve still got some toys!”

Both of the bags barely fit into the sleigh, but while the Krampus was smiling, Santa held onto a look of dismay.

“How many of them are you looking to beat?” The jolly old man asked as the sleigh began to lift. “I’ll paddle each and every child who deserves not a treat!”

Though his methods were cruel and his punishment strict, a look of relief passed over old Saint Nick. He’d summoned the demon a long time ago, to punish the children that he hadn’t the heart to give coal.

Little Bobby and Julie were the first house on the block, they dreamed of electronic gizmos, but that’s not what they got. First he appeared in the boy’s bedroom with some old kind of trick, he removed the blanket and saw that the boy was absent.

“What kind of child could be up at this hour?” he said as wondered throughout the house. “Don’t they know that if they don’t sleep, we’ll never deliver?”

But there was the boy with his hands on a computer machine, he was absorbed in a world that the Krampus had never seen. The screen showed a knight as he slaughtered a beast, but the Krampus didn’t approve of this action, he didn’t approve of it in the least.

He picked the boy up and turned him around, to find that the once entranced youth had developed a frown.

“Why are you interrupting my game?” the boy said looking glum. “Because I am the Krampus and your discipline time, it has come!”

The Krampus ordered him to lower his pants as he pulled out his paddle, then he beat the boy’s bum until it was as red as an apple.

The boy cried and cried again and again, saying “This isn’t Christmas, where’s good old Saint Nick?”

“Ah, but this is the gift that you deserve – it’s two in the morning and you should be asleep, you nasty little kid!”

But this was only half of the Krampus’s job, as little Julie still lied awake on a device that kept going off. It rattled and buzzed and rattled some more, it tortured the Krampus’s ears until he couldn’t take anymore.

He burst into her room, but she wasn’t even aware of his presence. “If you’re still awake, you’ll never get your presents!”

“Fuck off, you freak!” the young girl said rough and coarse. “If you don’t leave right now, then I’ll call the police force!”

“What horrible language for a child your age!”

“I can talk however I want, now go the fuck away!”

But the Krampus didn’t take well to her idle threats and she was too horrible for a beating, what with language like that!

He called out a familiar object out from his bag, a big iron pot with a thick rope of thread. Towering over the girl, he lifted her tiny body like that of a cup and despite her harsh mutterings, he was able to seal her right up.

He tied the lid down two or three times, then flicked his clawed finger to test the strength of the bind. She wouldn’t die, for there were several small holes at the bottom, but she would think next time before she hit rock bottom.

“You shall not curse a beast such as me, or next time I will tie up your whole family!”

The Krampus was angered deeply by the display that he’d seen, these children had still been up at a quarter past three. But those weren’t the only bad eggs he’d observed, as he crept through the neighborhood attempting to make more of them squirm.

He paddled the boys and he paddled the girls, he even paddled the parents who hadn’t yet disciplined them for the world. He paddled them in Australia, he paddled them in Guam, he paddled them in Yugoslavia, Uruguay and Stockholm.

He paddled children with measles, and children with lice – he paddled not only the naughty, he paddled the nice!
He put salt in their eyes and sand in their bellies, he even forced one of them to eat a jarful of jelly! He splashed them with water, he put snakes in their beds, he even put worms in their ears and watched them crawl into their heads!

By the end of the night, the Krampus was satisfied with his work. He’d showed all the world’s children where their discipline lurked. Instead of televisions, game consoles, tablets and phones, they all woke up to find nothing but large sacks of black coal.

Though as he crept back into his hole, in the center of the Earth right below the North Pole; he observed once again through his magical mirror, that the children weren’t just still naughty, they were all getting meaner! The next year’s list came with no special strings, as there were no more nice children and they deserved not a thing!

But the Krampus knew what he’d then deliver and your little ones should be aware of his presence – though not just a sliver! He’s coming along in Santa’s great sleigh; to give all of those misbehaving children a year’s worth of paddling, torture and pain!

If your little ones hear bells on that winter night, it might not be wise for them to smile, smile with delight!

For the Krampus is back with his bag full of terrors; gifts to all of those children who don’t mind their manners! Those brats who don’t brush their teeth, and don’t eat their veggies, who stay up all night and throw tantrums like babies!

He’s coming, he’s coming, he’s coming for them! The terrifying demon of discipline! He sees them when they’re sleeping, he knows when they’re awake. He knows if they’ve been bad or good, so they’d better be good, if they know what’s good for them…