4 Annoying Airplane Regulations For Teens

Would you believe it if I told you that the airplane industry is the most made-fun-of industry? Well, you shouldn’t. I have no idea if that is true, but I would think that the movie industry, the professional sports industry, politicians, and the scented candle industry are also often ridiculed.

In fact, I’ll make fun of them all: Barry Bonds tried to sell his biography to Hollywood, but they turned him down because they felt congress did a better job of dragging out the least-exciting plot (the one of “Yes, baseball players use steroids”) and because they were too busy trying to convince airport security to let them fly shampoo-scented candles over three ounces to Bermuda to film the fifth sequel to “Scented Candles-Return of the Dead.”

But, as you may know, it is much easier to make fun of the air-travel industry because most people have flown at some point in their lives and can relate to the jokes.

This way, I could say something like, “Some airport security experts are brainstorming a ‘three dunk’ security system, where the passenger would be dumped first in water to destroy any hidden electronics, the second time in a mild acid to eat away any metal or wires, and the third time in glue so that their arms are incapable of moving and causing harm,” and you would probably find it funny (unless you are one of those airport security experts, and I have just revealed a trade secret that you figured would make you rich) because you could believe that this could actually be true.

However, if I said something pertaining to a different one of these industries, it would be harder to make it funny. For instance, if I said, “Recently, a new set of critics have appeared, complaining that scented candles give headaches,” it would only be funny to scented-candle makers who believe that what they create is better than gold.

So, of course, being a teenager, I’m going to take the easy way out. I’m going to end this post right here. Just kidding. Instead, I shall now make fun of the airport industry.

The “Little Kid” Regulation

No, this does not mean any younger siblings have to fit into three-ounce bottles. What this is, is an attempt by the airport industry to make you wish you were still a kid (thought up by some non-profit organization with the hopes that if you wish you were five, you won’t pull an MLB and take steroids).

This means it is absolutely required that a 3 to 6 year old child is in the seat behind you on any flight you want to sleep (all of them, of course, because you’re a teen). This child has been specially trained to kick, scream, cry, and throw pretzels just as you finally fall back to sleep.

The idea is that you will once again wish you were young enough to annoy people without having to take responsibility for it (because as a teen you are expected to take responsibility for naturally annoying people). With this wish, the previously mentioned “some” non-profit organization is convinced it is impossible for you to develop into a full-fledged monste-I mean, teen.

The “Would You Like Some Help, Little Boy/Girl?” Regulation

Yes, it is true. Not only will you still be given kid’s menus in restaurants even after you start shaving, each flight attendant is required to ask this to you at least once (four times, though, if you’re flying alone). Multiply that by the number of flight attendants, and you’ll realize that the education system of the US must be terrible since you can’t even complete that equation without a calculator, smartphone, protractor, and superglue (so I’ll tell you the answer: way too many times).

The “No Electronics” Regulation

In all fairness, this one applies to everyone, but it is teens that are impacted the most. This is the policy that you can’t use electronics when the plane takes off and lands, and also that you can’t use your cell-phone or Internet unless the plane provides wi-fi.

Honestly, I’m still not sure how I have survived the annual coast-to-coast flight without these essentials; it was a whole six hours without being able to tweet, text, like, share, and communicate in any way with anybody else outside the plane. Actually, now I remember. I believe I slept, which is the only other way to pass time.

The “Un-cool Movie” Regulation

I guarantee that four out of every five airplane movies are “un-cool” to teens. The movies are usually romantic comedies geared towards adults, cartoons targeting young children, or movies about scented candles (such as “Man-Eating Scented Candles: A Documentary”) to entertain the luggage in the cargo hold.

If you are lucky enough to be on a plane with a “cool” movie, it is one that you have already seen.

Clearly, the air-travel industry is not very teen friendly. This could be because no teen has enough money to fly with today’s prices (a small lakeside resort or a new luxury car), or maybe because teens don’t have the power or focus or attention span or care or ability or brains or (sometimes) opposable thumbs to remedy these regulations.

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