Friday, June 13, 2014

· The Unbearable Weight ·

Hullo, me hearties.

I hope this entry finds you well, although it is of a particularly nagging nature, since this is the only place where I would graciously do that, in order to avoid being obnoxious and annoying to everyone around. I will talk a bit about what fortunes the future shall bring to Through Waves, and how I feel about it.

As I announced a couple of days ago on Through Waves' Facebook Page, a new EP is coming to add yet another documentation into my discography, which will hopefully be the last of old materials I still have lying around: "SONGS FROM ANOTHER GENDER" is the name of it. It features eight songs from various periods of time, all recorded during breaks between 2011 and 2012. It has no relation to any album, but rather stands on its own. And it feels as heavy as a full-lenght work.

This collection of songs has been a problematic affair in my life since 2011. I never seemed to find a way to present it. It never sounded good enough, it was just misplaced into the contexts of the previous albums, and to put it simply: I hated what it all represented, because it just looked like a complete embarrassment for me. You see, I cannot even write this properly. What I mean is that "SONGS FROM ANOTHER GENDER" has a lot more painful memories inside its walls that I thought possible, and it was well on its way to become a discarted waste of time that I would lock inside a drawer and forget. But I came to realize what an injustice that would be, especially since I kept running into ends within my journey that would show its face again, in one way or another. I had to deal with these boys, otherwise they would not give me peace. I could not keep neglecting them, despite what I felt about each one of them (and still do, in a way).

When I found a way to open the vaults and keep going down until I reached the cell where these songs were kept, I thought I was already in a somewhat ballanced state regarding my usual physical discontent. To be blunt: I no longer felt like a disgusting abomination for not being one of the girls, nor one of the boys. I was meandering cautiously in a path of tolerance about the whole "transgender issue"; a period in which I photographed my naked body in every way possible, to try and understand so many things that would sound silly to disclose; a period in which I was ok (or so I assumed). I came to understand that I was consciously repelling every single aspect of "masculinity" this patriarchal world forged based on lies, and pressed upon me. I was inside a place of hate towards men and all things related to it, and unable to reach any sort of "feminine" state as well. I would not be able to truly come to terms with these flawed concepts until I eventually surrended myself to the stress of dealing with these eight songs. And here we are now.

Facing the eight men of "SONGS FROM ANOTHER GENDER" is like confronting eight people trying to viciously destroy every foundation of my "identity", in all the most horrifying ways. They are full of anger about my vitriolic disdain regarding their "male" representations, and unwilling to accept my right to remove myself from this sick, terrible and opressive binarism. Since I decided to finally address this matter, it seems as if I have a constant voice in my ears discrediting everything I hold true and comfortable about this. They are putting me to test, and I am so tired. I am tired of bearing such a burden, of feeling obliged to explain myself, to try and fit into molds that are not my own, of feeling unwanted and undeserving of peace, wisdom and love. As I crawl my way down on the floor in a ridiculous fight against these eight ghosts, each of them showing a particular face of what I do not want in me, I am slowly understanding that this is yet another one of those struggles that I already know I was right before embarking on it; and whatever I find out is what was already crystal clear for me. Realizing that, however, is only possible through this conflict, so here I am punching the end of a knife. And, as usual, bleeding.

It is a relief to know I am not one of these boys. I am not even in the slightest similar to them. There is nothing between us but memories, old projections, duties I don't have to perform and pains that are not mine to carry. I am not a man. I moved beyond the need of having a name such as that. But the road is still a couple of months long, and I am a fragile, nameless thing. In the shadows I speak with a child unborn, friend of rabbits; a carefree teenager with a crown of leaves; sensual, powerful masculine figures towering above me with desire and duty; and they all stand in the way between me and freedom, twirling graciously in the woods with a dress of green. I have to do it. They must go away in peace, and at once.

"SONGS FROM ANOTHER GENDER" will be released on September 16, 2014, as a limited edition CD and digital download, all available exclusively on The Lily Ann Wharf, Through Waves' Official Bandcamp. As usual, produced and released independently by myself via my private label The Schooner Harbour, it features 8 songs; one of them, "Fredrich", being a translation/adaptation of a poem written by my mother in the 70's: