Humor Blog

Place to post great emails I get...

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Joke of the Month...

I don't think I've ever told a joke on my blog, so here is my first attempt.

Heaven and hell aren't all that different. In both you get a butler, a lover, a chef and a handyman/mechanic. The only difference is that in heaven your butler is British, your chef is French, your mechanic is German and your lover is Italian. In hell, your butler is French, your chef is English, your mechanic is Italian and your lover is German.

Men’s Guide to Dating

After almost two years of being single, I feel I’ve become somewhat of an expert on dating. Hey, practice makes perfect, right?Besides, maybe I can use this as an opportunity to get people’s feedback on my own ideas. I’m curious what other people’s experiences have been.

Moderation and understanding your partner is really the key to all of the rules of dating.For example, one person I might advise to be aggressive and domineering where another person I might advise to be passive and chased.It all depends on the situation.I’ll try to word my rules/suggestions accordingly.

If you want to date someone, you have to put yourself into situations where you meet date-able women.This also gives you an opportunity to try to filter women by an interest or belief system.For example, if you want a cook and home-maker, perhaps taking cooking classes is appropriate.If you love being outside and being active then perhaps a running group or tennis club, or yoga is appropriate. If you want a Jewish woman, then go to young Jewish Shabbat. Either way, you have to do things that expose you to a wide variety of women.

Women are attracted to both the alpha male and the strong mysterious type.They are not attracted to people who appear weak or pathetic.You need to be confident, respected by your peers, in control of the situation, and not afraid of talking to anyone.Nobody is out of your league unless you make them so. Stand up, grow balls, be a man.

Make them feel comfortable. Think of James Dean.He always played it cool.He wasn’t indifferent, but he didn’t make a big deal about things (except things like his cars, it is good to have interests).By not making things have pressure, you allow women to feel comfortable and safe.Nothing should ever be forced, just simple.Another aspect of this same rule is to make sure you don’t set up awkward situations by being needy, clingy, controlling, demanding, or overly emotional.Be a man, not some pansy ass modern day basket case.Christie sighted an example from officespace that she thinks is a perfect representation of this rule:“I’m going to go grab some food next door, if you want to join, that’s cool, if you don’t, that’s cool too.”

Let her know you might be interested, but do it subtly.Women do need to be pursued, but it is more an act of patience then aggression. Women take time to develop lasting attractions to someone. They want to make sure you aren’t some sort of creep, and they will usually grow more attracted to you the longer you are around them, the more eye contact you make with them, and the more you talk to them.But they will rarely make the first move, that’s your job.The most common first move is a kiss, it is easy to read if they are interested, there are no words to exchange, and it is easy to get out of.Look at them, look if their eyes are glassy, or moist, how they look back, it should be obvious.If it isn’t, go back to being patient and trying to win them over.At this point they might also figure that you are interested, but they also know you are not a stocker or crazy person.

Make them feel good about themselves.Most women have dreams and ambitions that they feel somewhat strongly about.Listen to them. Find out what makes the girl tick.Notice what areas they are unconfident in and try to make them feel better about themselves in those areas.Telling someone who knows she is a genius how smart she is might earn you 1 brownie point.Telling her that you think the way she handled the situation with her sister was innovative, very insightful and caring…might earn you 100 brownie points. And the number one requirement for this rule: LISTEN!

Make eye contact, subtle gestures, very “safe” human contact.Look her in the eyes whenever you are talking to her (NOT her chest).It’s probably okay to reach over and touch her in certain circumstances (NOT by grabbing her ass).Eventually you will have to get past the whole touching barrier.

YOU have to be pursued.I’m going to steal another example from a friend.Lets say you have finally made it to the point were the girl calls you up from time to time to invite you out for some social engagement.Good job, you’re almost there.But it isn’t a done deal.She has grown used to being able to call you whenever she wants.Don’t be that easy.Besides, you should be considering other options anyway.The last thing you want to appear is desperate.You want to make sure you are there for her, and you do make her feel safe, but it is a balance.So, every once in awhile it is okay to tell her no…more likely then not, it will make her want you more.

Be interesting. I know, it is a hard one to force. But girls want a guy that has some ambition, passion, interests, a future, and experience. Talk about stuff that you are passionate about, but in moderation (you don't want to bore them to death).

Get them to laugh or smile. Ever girl, even the ones with sticks shoved in the wrong places, can laugh. But they all find different things funny. You have to learn their own sense of humor. Hopefully just being yourself is good enough, but you might have to censor some of the jokes about the nun and the priest.

Let’s say your goals is getting laid rather than getting in a relationship.I’m going to have a special subset of rules just for this one.All of the earlier rules still apply, the main idea: “Make her feel comfortable and safe”.Ideally, your sexual partners should either by your girlfriend OR people with whom you have a very clear understanding of your role in each other’s life.Like I said before, I won’t sleep with someone that is a potential dating partner ‘cause that is when things like jealousy and confusion take place.I will sleep with friends, x-girlfriends, or anyone that falls into the FWB (friends with benefits) category. I might mention that these are often people that were in the top-three category but got ruled out because of different core values or something. These are usually people were we know we couldn’t date each other, but we are both attracted to one another and both single.Once again, I cannot iterate enough the importance of how both people feel.You CANNOT sleep with someone who wants to have a monogamous relationship with you unless you share their feelings.And fuck what the girl says, they will all lie in order to get what they want, you have KNOW that the other person feels the same way about you as you feel about them.

Be confident and secure with your body, sexuality and her.

Be honest about what you want and who you are. Most girls over the age of 26 are just like guys, they want to have sex.And most of them will have sex with people that they wouldn’t necessarily date.

Create a date situation that brings you to one of your two homes. I usually recommend the girl’s house because they are usually more comfortable there.

Be careful with going after sex if you really think you might like the girl.I don’t personally sleep with the girls that I might be genuinely interested in because it might force a relationship between two people that aren’t right for one another or it might lead to jealousy/being hurt.

In summary, I personally believe just about any decent guy can make just about any girl fall in love with him, but it takes a lot of time and thought and patience.There is no rush, take your time, and enjoy your self in the process.