Staying Satisfied

Have you ever wondered what the secrets are to long-term relationship sexual satisfaction? I’ve trawled through decades of research, analysing couples with satisfying sex lives all over the world, and found they all had certain characteristics in common.

Sexually happy couples consciously work together to keep the relationship emotionally intimate and connected, and the sex passionate, different and non-routine. Sexually satisfied couples:

Say “I love you” everyday and truly mean it.

Kiss each other passionately for no reason—not just to instigate sex.

Practice good sexual communication and implement it. They discover what turns their partner on and off erotically by discussing each others’ own unique sexual needs and wants — not just having sex the same way they have sex with every single partner because that’s just the way they like to do things.

Are more likely to set the atmosphere for sexual activity, such as by lighting candles and playing music.

Remain close friends.

Go on weekly dates together.

Make sex a top priority, not the last item of a long to-do list or something they never have time to do in their busy schedule.

Have showers or baths together, or massage each other.

Are physically affectionate in public.

Keep playing and having fun together — not just in the initial dating phase.

Cuddle each other, even during times where they’re not having sex as regularly as usual.

Surprise each other with romantic gifts or titillating emails or texts.

Go on romantic holidays.

Are mindfully conscious about turning towards each other when one partner asks for any positive connection such as attention, affirmation or affection.

Have more sex, orgasms, oral sex and more sexual variety (such as discussing or reenacting sexual fantasies, experimenting with positions, clothes or toys) than unsatisfied couples.

On the other hand, sexually unsatisfied couples do the following things:

Spend a very small amount of time together during an average week.

Drift apart and lead parallel lives.

Talk mostly about their gigantic to-do lists.

Make everything else in their lives a priority above the relationship and the partner.

Become job-centred or child-centred over and above the relationship.

Only unintentionally turn towards their partner, and it’s an accident when they respond positively to a partners bid for affirmation.

One couple in a sexless relationship only spent about 35 minutes together in total conversation throughout all of their interactions throughout an entire week. That’s five minutes a day on average! Most talks were about tasks, errands, bills and dull household things — so nothing intimate or exciting, and no dates! Is it any wonder they weren’t experiencing satisfaction or connection in sex, given such routine, monotonous and sparse interactions? No intimacy was being built and worked at.

If your partner spends 95 per cent of their leisure time doing things without you, or ignoring you for their computer games, then your sex life will suffer. Being ignored doesn’t build emotional connection, nor does it fire up the loins. You’re more than just an option to someone — you should be their priority!

Relationship struggles can be a crucible of self-learning and self-reflection as we grow together and discover our lovers and our own needs.Think of sex as more of an intimate and emotional act than just rubbing skin together. It’s true intimacy and sensuality that creates sexual fireworks in a relationship! Consistently working at building this emotional connection with your partner lays the building blocks for an incredible sex life.