Paris Hilton Almost Got Stabbed

A double-knife wielding assailant apparently tried to make his way into Paris Hilton’s house to do the Lord’s work this morning only to discover she’s rich and can afford things like security cameras and alarms. I guess the mansion didn’t tip him off. People reports:

“In the early hours of this morning an armed man with two kitchen knives attempted to break in to Paris Hilton’s home when she was sleeping,” her rep said in a statement Tuesday. “The security cameras and alarm system were alerted and the police immediately came to the house and arrested the intruder who was attempting to break a window when they arrived. Paris is naturally shaken by the events but is unharmed and well.”

On a related note, this news explains why there was a two-hour gap between the Miss Universe and Lindsay Lohan posts. I’m sorry, this seemed much better on paper, but at least my attorney was right and everyone involved realized no jury would ever convict me. But, as a consolation, Paris managed to snap a picture of me getting cuffed, so here you go so I can stop getting e-mails asking what I look like. (Note: I’m kind of having a fat day.)

read up on who has cancer and bet on them in december :) nancy (martin short’s wife) dolman went today. she was worth 42 points. also gone in 2010 to cancer include james gammon (30 pts), ali-ollie woodson (42 pts), ronnie james die (33 pts), malcolm mclauren (36 pts), merlin olsen (31 pts), doug the knack fieger (43 pts), pernell robers (19 pts), teddy pendergrass (41 pts), and harvey peter (10 pts). all of them were diagnosed a long time ago. and this is only 10 people. you get 20 picks. but if you had these ten you’d have more than twice the current leader on thedeadpool. just a thought. i feel better not wishing death on anyone (shift-comma 3)

“do the Lord’s work this morning only to discover she’s rich and can afford things like security cameras and alarms. I guess the mansion didn’t tip him off”

My God! This is why I love this blogger so! I heartily lol’ed at this. Not an easy feat.

Looking forward to more hopeful headlines such as:
“Paris Almost Goes Over Cliff After Brakes Were Cut”
“Paris Almost Gets Ripped Apart By Pack Of Coyotes -(Dog Survives)”
“Paris Almost Gets Kidnapped And Forcefed Drugs By Lindsey Lohan”

She hung out with Kathy Griffin on “My Life On The D-List”. Kathy asked something about doing it doggy-style and bj’s. Paris grimaced and said, “Ew! I don’t do any of that stuff.” When Kathy asked why not, (That’s Kathy!), Paris said, “My Mother told me that if you have a beautiful face, you never have to do any of that stuff.”
Is it any wonder why she can’t hold on to a man….

Uh, ‘police arrived while he was ATTEMPTING to break a window’ ??? either the cops have a 2second response time in her neighborhood, or this guy was the worst kind of FAIL… was he attempting to break a window by peeing on it or something? I mean, how difficult is it to break a window?

I’m deeply upset about this. just when we finally get someone to pull a hero to help cleanse the gene pool, he turns out to be too dumb to kick a window/toss a potted plant… it’s like a single layer of saran wrap separates this guy and success, and this guy is like ‘oh well, didnt see this coming, guess i have to go home.’