Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Poker and the real world are like chalk and cheese, dear Melted Felt readers – you can try and melt one on top of the other, only to end up with that awful high-pitched screeching noise.

It was a surprise for me when the one and only Melted Felt Mole turned up out of the blue just at the tale end of a serious session – and whispered the exclusive news that the latest DSM would contain some poker-specific conditions.

For those more interested in mixing up their 4-betting ranges than psychiatry, the DSM stands is the Diagnostic Statistical Manual, which the head-quacks use mostly to label people schizophrenic and institutionalize them at taxpayer expense. It contains a big list of all that bad bad stuff which can go wrong with a human brain. New rumors have it that the following poker specific madnesses will be added in the next revision:

Online Poker Is Rigged Syndrome: Patients reporting the commonly held delusion that poker is rigged often display accompanying symptoms of narcissistic personality disorders and can devolve into paranoid fantasy very fast. Patients will be convinced that the game mechanically fixed to prevent them personally from winning in tournaments of 1000’s and cash games in which, from the perspective of the outside world, they are just another ordinary player. The kind of patients presenting these symptoms will often have similar delusions including (but not limited to) their personal holiday plans affecting the weather experienced by millions of people.

Treatments For Rigged Poker Symptom Sufferers: Since there is no cure we suggest group therapy sessions on forums and websites where lots of sufferers can post weak-tight bad beats and then agree with each other that the programs must be rigged. Patients generally quickly run out of money, which leads to a risk of ‘Bad Beat Bore Syndrome’ (see below).

Good But Unluckyitis: Patients often present themselves in a stressed and anxious state, adamantly claiming that they played poker ‘perfectly’ and got unlucky again! Furthermore they will often disclose a desire to move up levels to where people respect their raises and try to convince their therapist that they win against good players, but can not beat all those donks. Successful diagnosis of this syndrome can be made by asking the patient about their bankroll management – a blank or puzzled look is a sure sign that this *ahem* talented player is unlucky.

Treatment For Good But Unlucky Syndrome: Suggesting that fish are actually easier to beat will not work against this strongly ingrained delusion. Since moving up too fast often results in the more dangerous ‘Poker Is Rigged’ syndrome we actually suggest powerful tranquilizers in these cases – if nothing else it should slow down their losing sessions.

Recovering Rush Syndrome: There are still players presenting themselves with recovering from Rush Poker Syndrome several months after Full Tilt closed. These players may look like cold-turkey meth addicts, usually appear agitated and confused and will often have eyes which somehow appear to look in three different directions at once.

Treatment For Recovering Rush Syndrome: Pre-frontal lobotomy is the only known cure for this nasty ailment – though with Rush-clones now appearing for non-US players at least you could always get them to give Terminal Poker a try!

Grinding Is Freedom Syndrome: During pre-college years many poker players will generate dangerous levels of the neurotransmitted fckedifiknowatonin, swamping the hypothalamus – this quickly leads to thinking that spending 12 hours a day isolated in a darkened room clicking a mouse to grind poker games is ‘freedom’, while going to college then finding a challenging and rewarding career, friends and a balanced life is not.

Treatment For Freedom Syndrome: Again logical argument simply does not work, since the therapist will be accused of ‘not understanding’ and told that working in a cube is slavery. Strong suggestion to try and persuade these patents to take a fork-lift truck driving course or something similar – as this will at least save them from cleaning toilets or flipping burgers for the rest of their lives when their peers graduate and begin their interesting and varied lives.

Bad Beat Bore Syndrome: This is a particularly nasty poker related neurosis, and one that is very prevalent in society. Millions of players are walking around unattended at this very moment – just waiting for the opportunity to tell you about the time their aces got cracked on the river.

Treatment For Bad Beat Bore Syndrome: Again there is no cure, education of those who are not afflicted is key here. Posters are available detailing how to deal with a random bad beat bore attack, including avoidance strategy and how to quickly get vaccinated if you are trapped in a situation where several bad beat stories are told in succession. Bores can always be directed to the same forums as the ‘Rigged’ crowd.