Opinion: Testudo Would Totally Beat Up the Easter Bunny

The Easter Bunny seriously sucks. Whoever thought a giant rabbit running around to deliver eggs to children would be a good idea should be roasted in every group message they’ve ever been in (Also: eggs? What the fuck?). Even Jesus himself would admit that, if the Easter Bunny were to hop his way over to McKeldin, Testudo would beat that asshole down. He’d beat him down so hard, we’d start celebrating him on Easter instead. If you have any doubts as to why the Easter Bunny wouldn’t reign triumphant, let me quickly dispel them.

Just imagine an open space. The Easter Bunny is just hopping along with a basket full of eggs, while Testudo is making his way over like the badass he is. The Easter Bunny may have speed and the ability to see Testudo from a distance, but Testudo has a hard fucking shell and the instincts of a coked-out Maryland frat boy. Even if the Easter Bunny could fight, Testudo would use his quick-thinking and intuition to parry any attack that the bunny attempts (with the help of that previously mentioned UMD-brand cocaine, of course).

Also, did we mention the Easter Bunny probably doesn’t know how to fight? Because he doesn’t. But guess who fights almost daily? That’s right: Testudo. Our boy would start by confusing the Easter Bunny with a flash mob, then transition into beating the rabbit with the war drum, all before casting a sea of Maryland flags upon it. What’s the Easter Bunny going to do? Hop on Testudo? Pelt him with eggs? Nah, fam. Summon the resurrection of Christ? Maybe, but only then will the fight be even.

This Pokémon-style battle would only last three moves apiece, but Testudo would undoubtedly tear the Easter Bunny up. In any given scenario, this tortoise is going to end up utterly destroying that hare. Mark our words, the Easter Bunny would wish he was never born.

Just don’t get too confident in our mascot beating mythical holiday figures, because honestly there’s no one who’s strong enough to fuck up Santa.