The B Team Hubbies To Honor Filmdom's Also-rans

February 23, 1986|By Joe Bob Briggs

For the first time in drive-in history, the fourth annual Drive-In Academy Awards ceremonies will be televised even if nobody shows up to accept their award as usual. Thanks to the sickies at KGO-TV in San Francisco, we'll be handing out the Hubbies exactly one hour before the fake Oscars start down in El Lay, Monday, March 24. And in honor of this historic night, a night that will live in my memory, I'm gonna stop being a Nazi about the Hubbies like I was last year and, once again, I'm gonna let the drive-in fans of America vote on the nominees.

May I have the envelope please?

Send in your votes to Joe Bob, P.O. Box 33, Dallas, Texas 75221, no later than March 10. Winners will be announced on the air with a bunch of weirdo wimps from St. Elmo's Fire that were already booked before I agreed to go on. And the nominees are:

BEST FLICK

A Nightmare on Elm Street: Responsible for 19 mass murders in Times Square alone.

Re-Animator: Only movie ever made where the actor loses his head halfway through the movie but finishes the movie.

A Chorus Line: Best horror film of 1985.

BEST ACTOR

Shabba-Doo Quinones, the best break-dancer that wears big animal teeth in his ears, for Breakin' 2 Is Electric Boogaloo.

Sly Rocky Rambo, for liberating 47,000 missing-in-action prisoners from a mud hut in East El Lay.

Johnnie Travolta, for making the best horror film of his career -- Perfect. Raymond Burr, for filling up the frame in Godzilla 85 and saying, ''You know, nature has a way of reminding man just how puny we are, whether it tells us in the form of a tornado, an earthquake, or a Godzilla.''

Arnold the Barbarian, for the scene in Commando where he picks up a phone booth, gives the occupant some directory assistance, chases him up a mountain, dangles him over a cliff by one leg, and goes ''Whoops!''

Jeffrey Combes, for wielding the green needle in Re-Animator and saying ''Come on, why not, this is the freshest body we have.''

Charles Bronson, who buys an elephant gun and says ''Think I'll go down the street and get myself some ice cream'' in Death Wish 3.

BEST ACTRESS

Sybil Danning, for performing the cigarette-burn torture, the sword-in- the-face torture, and the shut-up-you-little-animal-before-I-slap-y ou- again torture in Jungle Warriors.

Tawny Kitaen, for battling three raving horny Amazons to the death in a duel of the world's largest abalone-shell underwire support bras in The Perils of Gwendoline.

Vanity, for being named Vanity, in The Last Dragon.

Ariane, for being named Ariane, in Year of the Dragon.

Lana Clarkson, despite using a couple of No. 2 Faber pencils for arms, for saying ''I'll be no man's slave and no man's whore'' in Barbarian Queen.

Jamie Lee Curtis, for making the best horror film of her career -- Perfect. Brigitte Nielsen, in Red Sonja, for flexing her plastic sword and saying ''You slaughtered my parents! Like cattle! My brother! My sister!''

Pamela Pratt, Queen of the Amazons, for sleeping with a guy named Garth, zapping him into outer space, then hanging him up by his ankles to dry, in Hercules II.

BREAST ACTRESS

Remy O'Neill, for the title role in Hollywood Hot Tubs.

Lainie Kazan, as a singing balloon in Lust in the Dust.

Kristi Somers, for doing a doughnut commercial in an all-flour bra in Tomboy.

Rachel McLish, the El Lay valley girl in the tiger-skin jumpsuit, who stars in Pumping Iron II: The Women, with immortal lines like ''You're really dealing with human beings. You can't depend on them. It even says so in the Bible.''

Mathilda May, for showing off her intergalactic love pouches in Lifeforce. BEST BEAST

Robert Englund, the pasty-face walking Nazi experiment in Nightmare on Elm Street.