ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDERLY CONDUCT

Do you suffer from PTSD? You have my sympathy. Are you an alcoholic? Please seek treatment and you have my full support. Do you have Attention Deficit Disorder? Now you’re just a whiny bitch. I’m sorry, are you one of the millions of Americans that suffers from a made up disorder? Not to worry, cause I have the cure! Find the nearest building over five floors, head for the rooftop, stand next to the edge…and hope for a soft landing.

Did you make it? No? That’s too bad. I know your doctor was really looking forward to the annual visit so he can prescribe more Ritalin for your stupid ass. Originally a frying pan to the back of the head was treatment enough, like fixing the original Nintendo, you just smack it a couple times and poof…Tetris was up and running. Oh but no, you have a disorder because that Lego set you took two days to put together was completed by the next door neighbor’s kid, Albert Geekenstein in only forty minutes. Is science class so boring lately that you find yourself drifting off into dreamland? You might have a disease, or maybe your underpaid and mal-nutritioned teacher has stopped caring because her phone bill is past due and the inbox to her online dating profile is collecting digital dust instead of phone numbers. Has your job performance suffered according to the annual assessment completed by your boss? You might need a little magic pill to help you focus so you can bang out those reports faster…or maybe it’s because you’ve whored yourself out to the same underpaid and under appreciated job for the last 6 solar eclipses and instead of paying you, they pay their shareholders.

YOU’RE NOT SICK, YOUR F^&#ING STUPID! You’re either stupid by not being able to figure out alternative ways to educate yourself or you’re completely gullible and you believe whatever the doctor, news and internet tells you. I myself may not be an honor student, but I won’t sit here and concede to having a skull softer than a newborn’s just so I can run to the doctor and have them prescribe me a time released capsule full of lies.

So what if you’re a D student, so what if your job sucks, so what if your spouse is boring, so what if instead of sitting quietly on the park bench, you’re off in the parking lot chasing seagulls with a stick. That’s life! If you’re not a fan of it, there’s plenty of life solving pills for you to chew on located at your local gun store. You don’t need a prescription for that, but you will have to wait eight days per the law.

I’ll bet money that some of history’s greatest philosophers would be diagnosed with ADD in today’s society. Imagine Socrates on Adderall? What about Plato waking up every morning and popping Concerta? They didn’t do it and neither should you.

These dudes wanted you to be enlightened, not medicated. Taking a synthetic pill to enhance your concentration on a daily basis is as healthy as a homosexual going to a church group to “pray away the gay”. Be honest with yourself, because there’s nothing wrong with you, unless you eat fast food everyday, attend clan meetings or listen to Nickelback.

Take a week’s paid vacation, chuck that pill bottle into the trash compactor and let your brain start the healing process. It’s a beautiful world and sometimes being distracted for a few minutes or even a few hours is more than worth the time just to look at it. Being distracted is how I met the love of my life (***who I later discovered had cheated on me) and if that crap cocktail was running through my veins, my brain may not have taken the time to admire the view and for that…I’m glad I failed Geometry.