The Pure Uncut.

October 20, 2014October 19, 2014

A Woman’s Evolutionary Guide to Drinking

(This big-ass beer? Ain’t nobody got time for that!)

Does anyone remember how much fun it was to wake up in the morning with a killer hangover, after having too many vodka cranberries at Ladies Night? Do you recall the awesome feeling of knowing there wasn’t enough Target-brand acetaminophen to cure the pounding in your skull? That you regret having to go into the office, knowing you rather soak yourself under the shower head for an hour? Well, those are awful feelings and at this point, if you’re over 30, you have officially outgrown this agony. So there should be no reason that you’re drinking anything that doesn’t have a cork in it. Let me tell you why.

Like a fine wine ( which is the only libation you should be drinking), we get better with age. So why drink anything else? Just as our taste in men, fashion, and heel heights have evolved over the years, a woman’s palette also changes as she gets older and accepts more responsibility in life. It is for this reason that she requires the proper alcoholic intake to handle her day-to-day activities. I mean seriously, how can you make sound decisions on how to passive-agressively ignore your ex on Facebook and finish annual reports at work with the fuel from butterscotch schnapps? Only a Bordeaux can handle such responsibility! So if you’re still ordering Kettle One and OJs at the lounge, please stop. You’re only going to hurt yourself in the end. If you follow this 100% accurate guideline to the womanly way of inebriation, you will be able to continue drinking properly until you head off to Shady Pines with Sophia Petrillo:

High School: Obviously, you shouldn’t be drinking if you’re not 21, but this is when everyone starts anyway. I remember my first sip of alcohol (outside of a sip of Disaronno from the china cabinet) was a wine cooler. I’m pretty sure it was of the Bartles and James variety. This is the only acceptable time to drink a wine cooler, when you really don’t know what you’re doing. It has about 2% alcohol volume, but you still swear you’re getting a buzz. If you live in an urban area, this is the time you may have been introduced to St. Ides coolers and Cisco.

College: This is the land of beer kegs. The abundance of barley and hops is similar to the amount of coursework you don’t do. But remember, you’re a young woman and should govern yourself accordingly. You have now graduated from wine coolers, and now you’re drinking malt liquor beverages like Smirnoff Ice. It’s basically Sprite you can’t chug. In fact, they have the same effect on you- absolutely nothing. But that’s okay, because during college, you are introduced to the world of “liqueurs”, not to be confused with actual “liquor”, which actually gets you drunk. Schnapps. Amaretto. Rumpleminze. These are recipes for a sweet-ass stomachache, which you will confuse for inebriation. I drank so many Midori Sours in college, I actually collected bottles and lined them up in my dorm room. It was sick time, with even sicker fake hangovers.

Post college: Okay, now you can officially get cray. Yes, you’ve had sips of vodka here and there in school, but now you can really appreciate the finer drinks in life. No more Skol or Crystal Palace ( no matter how broke you are, don’t you dare dip below Absolute!), you can now sip Grey Goose and tonics and Belvedere martinis. Life starts to get a bit more real and your pockets get fatter, so you can now appreciate shots. Patron. Red-Headed Sluts. Washington Apples. No Buttery Nipples here, woman. You can now pound down Jager shots and still live to tell about it. That’s the beauty of this time in a woman’s life- you can drink and do so many other bad things with abandon, and bounce right back. I use to be best friends with a groupie and this was one of the most exciting times of my life. I drank from Thursday through Sunday, and was still able to work ( even though I had the shakes).

Unemployment: BEER. Lots of beer. The only time it is acceptable for a woman to consume large quantities of beer.

Current Time ( Dirty Thirty and beyond): You’ve arrived in life, and need to have the proper drink in hand to navigate the world around you. What other way can this be achieved, other than with a nice bottle of vino? Wine is the greatest thing to ever happen to women besides Shonda Rhimes and Spanx. It requires a sturdy and adult woman to truly enjoy it, that’s why it’s offered in boxes. Reds. Whites. Champagne. Prosecco. Moscato. Pinot Noir. Chardonnay. Shiraz. Merlot. Malbec. I feel like I just rattled off the guest list for my 35th birthday party. Just a few sips can put you in a good mood, and there’s a reason you can’t take it in shots or chug it. It has various uses, such as a sleep aid, or “hanger” reducer. I am in no way suggesting alcohol abuse, but it would be a crime to drink a Pinot Grigio with a burger. There are rules and levels to drinking wine. Why do you think sommeliers exist? People have to be TAUGHT how to properly appreciate vino. No one takes a class on how to down tequila shots. It is for this reason that wine is my drink of choice: because I enjoy the finer things in life and I like to take naps.