Stop Saying "I Have A Boyfriend"

I
enjoy “going out.” I like dancing, I like music, I like drinking, I
like spending time with friends. And I like meeting new people, chatting
with them and making friends. I also understand that many people (men
and women) go to bars and clubs in hopes of meeting a romantic/sexual
partner, and of course, there is nothing wrong with this, in theory.

That’s
why, if someone attempts conversation with me, I try not to immediately
write them off as a “creep.” I welcome conversation and believe that
the more people in my life with whom I can converse, the better off I’ll
be.

However (as most women know) there sometimes comes a point in
a conversation with a man where it becomes necessary to draw the line
and indicate that you are in no way, by any means, at all interested in
pursuing anything further. There are also times when it is clear that
friendly conversation is not in the cards (i.e., those men who
substitute grabbing your hips and attempting to “dance” with you for a
polite introduction). This is about those times.

If you do a
Google search for “How to avoid being hit on at a bar,” you’ll get
several articles with “helpful” tips on skirting conversation with men
you are not interested in. The majority of these list pretending to have
(or actually having) a boyfriend/fiance/husband as the number one
method for avoiding creeps (second to “pretending to be a lesbian” or
“pretending to be crazy,” a la Jenna Marbles).

In response to my
complaints about men creeping on me at dance clubs in college, an
ex-boyfriend of mine used to get cranky that I refused to whip out this
cure-all excuse (one of many reasons he is an ex).

Yes, this may
be the easiest and quickest way to get someone to leave you alone, but
the problems associated with using this excuse far outweigh the
benefits. There is a quotation that I’ve seen floating around Tumblr
recently (reblogged by many of my amazing feminist Tumblr-friends) that
goes as follows:

Male privilege is “I have a
boyfriend” being the only thing that can actually stop someone from
hitting on you because they respect another male-bodied person more than
they respect your rejection/lack of interest.

This
amazingly puts into one sentence what I have been attempting to explain
to ex-boyfriends and friends (male and female) for years, mostly
unsuccessfully. The idea that a woman should only be left alone if she
is “taken” or “spoken for” (terms that make my brain twitch) completely
removes the level of respect that should be expected toward that woman. It completely removes the agency of the woman, her ability to speak for herself and make her own
decisions regarding when and where the conversation begins or ends. It
is basically a real-life example of feminist theory at work–women (along
with women’s choices, desires, etc.) being considered supplemental to
or secondary to men, be it the man with whom she is interacting or the
man to whom she “belongs” (see the theory of Simone de Beauvoir, the
story of Adam and Eve, etc.).

And the worst part of the whole situation is that we’re doing this to ourselves.

This
tactic also brings up the question of the alternative. If the woman in
question was boyfriend-free, would she automatically be swooning in the
arms of the creep harassing her? Unlikely. So why do we keep using these
excuses? We’re not teaching men anything about the consequences of
their behavior (i.e., polite, real conversation warrants a response
while unwanted come-ons do not). We’re merely taking the easy exit, and,
simultaneously, indicating to men that we agree, single girls are “fair
game” for harassment.

So what can we do? I think the solution is simple — we simply stop
using excuses. If a man is coming on to you (and you are not interested
— if you are, go for it, girl!), respond with something like this: “I’m
not interested.” Don’t apologize and don’t excuse yourself. If they question your response (which is likely), persist — ”No, I said I’m not interested.”

“Oh, so you have a boyfriend?”

“I said, I’m not interested.”

“So you’re a lesbian, then?”

“Actually, I’m not interested.”

“You seem crazy.”

“Nope, just not interested.”

Et cetera. You could even, if you were feeling particularly outspoken, engage in a bit of debate with the man in question.

“Why
is it that you think that just because I’m not interested, there must
be an excuse? Why is it not an option that I’m simply not looking for a
sexual encounter and/or something about the way that you approached me
indicated to me that you have very little respect for women and
therefore I would never be interested in having a sexual encounter with
you regardless of my sexuality or relationship status?” (Or, ya know,
switch it up as you see fit.) Questioning them back (if you have the
energy) puts you back on an even playing field.

I’m not saying
this is easy. I’ve gotten into my fair share of arguments with men
during what were supposed to be fun nights out with friends over whether
or not I have the “right” to tell them to buzz off, boyfriend
notwithstanding. However, there are a few reasons I continue:

1.
So that maybe, possibly, the man I’m speaking to, or other men observing
the encounter, may learn something about the agency of women,

2.
So that maybe, possibly I might be inspiring other women observing to do
the same so that one day, we can be a huge kickass collective of ladies
standing up for our right to go crazy on the dance floor without being
hassled, and

3. So that I can go home that night, sweaty and tired and happy, and know that I gave myself all the respect that I deserve.

i liked this! it was very well written, non man-hating, and 100% right! claiming to be "taken" by another man is a lame excuse indeed—one which i've used whether or not it has been true!—and one which i won't be using again.

it IS hard to just stand up for yourself and say, "i'm not interested." but it is clearly the best move.

and this reason of hers is great: "so that one day, we can be a huge kickass collective of ladies standing up for our right to go crazy on the dance floor without being hassled!"