Matt Valkovic, "Liberals need to end comparisons of Vietnam to Iraq," Daily Collegian (Penn State U.), December 10, 2004

Extinction Package: Even lower on the zombie-bonehead totem pole than Noonan, Matt Valkovic proudly displays the kind of wooden thinking that would have had us convinced he was one of McFaul's progenies, but alas, he just happens to be an overachiever at a third-rate jock school in Pennsylvania. Yet since brains ain't good for shit in America, Valkovic will have the last laugh on all of us...unless we get him the eXinction package on time. For proudly baring his idiocy to the entire world, we want to offer him a fairly easy way out. For one month, Valkovic will be locked in a ball and chain in a firing range that will be set up next to the Vietnam War memorial. Large plasma screens and voice-overs will constantly run Valkovic's version of the Vietnamese enemy to Vietnam Vets -- you know, how Iraq is so different because the Vietnamese were basically good-hearted freedom fighters, while the Iraqis are just evil. While Valkovic, fitted with a Vietnamese peaked cap and bull's-eye, paces back and forth 50 yards from the firing zone, Vets will have the chance to offer their version of events, and how the wars are similar or different, only rather than communicating in words, they'll communicate with full metal jackets fired from Vietnam-era M16s.

ZOMBIE #26: The American People

Quote: "On March 22, 2003, 76 percent of Americans approved of the US invasion, up slightly from where it had been for months."

CBS Poll, March 23, 2003.

Extinction Package: You, the suckers who actually bought all the lies long enough to reelect their sponsor, and then, once you were sure it wouldn't matter, suddenly dropped your delusions. Polls now show that almost two-thirds of you now accept that the war is a disaster. But after all, it's no more catastrophic than it was in November 2004. In fact our casualties are slightly lower than they were at the time of the US elections. So why'd you 'fess up now? Simple (as Thomas Friedman would say): because you don't have to act now. For you, we've arranged a special assisted suicide: the slaughter of your grandchildren. With all of Islam praying for America's blood, and Asia waiting and snickering as we bleed out in Iraq, you have ensured that in a couple of generations we'll be taken down once and for all. For you then, the vista of Kansas in flames, coffles of Wisconsinites in chains, and Dallas civilians waving white flags to persuade the nano-nukes to spare them. You did your part, and you'll get what's coming to you.

ZOMBIE #27: White Americans

Quote: "Moreover, 82 percent of white Americans supported the invasion at the time, while only 45 percent of blacks did; In addition, 71 percent of whites said they were proud of what the United States was doing in Iraq, compared with 33 percent of blacks."

"Opinions Begin to Shift as Public Weighs War Costs" NY Times March 26, 2003

Extinction Package: Okay, this is not easy for us. This paper has never been into the whole white-self-hate thing, but facts are facts. Black people are the only sane people left in America. The white race is nothing but a pestilence. It has got to go. It's time to admit it. Whites are dead in Europe, and violently idiotic in America. We've got rid of the grandchildren, but that still leaves a lot of fat NASCAR zombies to pick off. Since the eXile is all about assisted suicide, our eXtinction package is actually quite simple: assist every white person you know by giving him or her a Bible, to speed the whole decline up. The more these savage fools get their guidance from the Bible, the closer this foul culture moves towards an Iran-style Stone Age regression. The good news is that when the Chinese take over after the white Bible-sucking white Americans crawl into their caves, there'll be about 700 million me-so-hohnee byatches who will be able to enter America visa-free. And that will make it all worth the wait.

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday EditorialThe future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic CopsAutomotive SectionWe’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible JourneyFeature Story By The eXileGood Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters[SIC!]Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through TimeClub Review By Dmitriy BabooshkaeXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight SpinBardak Calendar By Jared LindquistJared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters[SIC!]Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst PollutersAmerica By Eileen JonesEverybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...