Toothpaste

(Del enters with a box full of toothpaste tubes, Rodney is sat at the dining table eating some cornflakes, Albert is watching the Television, you get the impression it is a Sunday Morning.)

Del – “Rodney, Give us a hand, will you, Make some room for these”

(Rodney begins to clear some room on the dining table.)

Del – “No, I’ll need more room than that Rodder’s, you see, i’ve got 20 boxes of this stuff”

(Rodney Looks in the box)

Rodney – “What is it?”

Del – “It’s toothpaste innit, I’ve got 600 tubes of it”

Rodney – “600 Tubes!, How much did they cost?”

Del – “Not much Rodders”

Rodney – “You mean they’re stolen?”

Del – “Never mind where there from Rodney, just go and fetch the boxes will ya”

Rodney – “Where are they Del?”

Del – “Just outside the door there”

(Rodney goes to fetch the boxes, he shouts back towards del)

Rodney – “I can’t see them Del, Where are they?”

Del – “They’re in the Van, Go and get them you lazy git”

(Del throws the van keys towards Rodney, and shuts the door on him)

Would you buy Toothpaste from Del Boy?

Scene 2 – Outside:

(Rodney is outside, un-loading the Van, he is piling the boxes up, He decides to unscrew one of the toothpaste tubes, and has a little sniff – As he is sniffing the Toothpaste, A neighbour walks past and gives him a funny look)

Neighbour – “Hello Rodney, you back on the Glue?”

Rodney – No, No, This is some Toothpaste, Del bought it, i’m just helping him un-load the van”

Neighbour – “Oh, i see, Here, i’ll buy some off you, How much is it?”

Rodney – “erm, i’m not sure”

Neighbour – “I tell you what, I’ll take a tube of it now, and If it‘s any good, I‘ll buy a box from you later, alright”

Rodney – “Yeah alright”

Neighbour – “Oh, Which Flat is it?”

Rodney – “Erm.. The 13th floor, the Door with all the car batteries piled up outside”

Neighbour – “Oh I know where you mean, those Batteries have been their for ages”

Albert – “Hydroflouric acid will eat through anything except teflon, It will eat through all metals, and is extremely Dangerous”

Del – “Yeah, i think i’ll have that cup of tea now Unc”

Albert – “What do the Driscoll brothers want with this stuff Del?”

Del – “It’s Danny Driscoll you see, he’s got banged up… They’re going to send him this stuff so he can escape, though the window bars or something – Anyway, Tony is coming round at 3 to pick it up, so in a few hours, it’ll be gone.

Albert – “Well i want nothing to do with it”

Scene 4 – Trotters Flat (about 15 minutes later)

(Rodney now enters the Flat, he is looking extremely pleased with himself)

Del – “What you looking so happy about Rodney, you back on the Glue?”

Rodney – “I have just this minute managed to sell some of this Toothpaste”

Del – “You’re Joking, please tell me your Joking!”

Rodney – “What’s wrong now, i thought you’d be happy”

Del – “You….Idiot!!!”

(Rodney is looking confused)

Del – “Who did you sell them to?”

Rodney – “I’m not sure”

Del – “oh come on Rodney, this isn’t a joke”

(suddenly in the distance we can hear a loud scream of pain, Del and Rodney look at each other)

Rodney – “Bloody ‘ell Del, what have you done?”

Del – “I ain’t done nothing, It’s nothing to do with me”

Rodney – “Nothing to do you with you!, why is that woman screaming?”

Del – “Just keep quiet Rodney, Now just tell me, Who did you sell the Toothpaste to”

Rodney – “I don’t know her name Del, She said she’ll pop round later, and buy a box from you”

Del – “You mean… You told her our address?”

Rodney – “Yeah”

Del – “You Dipstick Rodney, this is very serious”

(Suddenly someone rings the doorbell, Del and Rodney look at each other and are both extremely worried)

Del – “Albert, go and answer the door, and act stupid”

Albert – “What do you mean, act Stupid?”

Rodney – “Just act yourself”

Albert – “What should I say”

Del – “I don’t care, just pretend you don’t know us, and we’ll hide in the kitchen, Come on Rodney”

(Del and Rodney go and hide in the Kitchen, Albert opens the door)

Albert – “Hello dear”

Neighbour – “Come on, Where is he?”

Albert – “Where is who?”

Neighbour – “That gormless sod who sold me this”

(The Neighbour shows Albert her Toothbrush, the end of the toothbrush has been melted off, the Woman has had a very lucky escape, and her teeth are fine)

Albert – “You’d better come in Love…. Del, Rodney, Come out here.”

Del – “Good job Unc, you got rid of her…….”

Neighbour – “No, I’m here, and I want Compensation, I could of lost my teeth”

Del – “Ahh, In that case, you’ll be wanting Rodney, he is my financial adviser, he’ll deal with your compensation”

Neighbour – “Where is he?”

Del – “Just in the kitchen there, I’m off out, Unc, when Tony comes give him those boxes will you. Thanks”

(The Neighbour walks into the kitchen, you can hear the beginning of an argument between her and Rodney – The credits begin to roll)

It’s always difficult to keep the balance between too short and too long, i could of written an extra scene or two, and had some other characters pop up, (like Tony Driscoll or maybe Trigger) But i wouldn’t want it to drag on.