Friday, 26 February 2016

After GuiltAngerAnxiety and Sexuality issues, the over-riding issue that male survivors struggle with is one of self control, which is keeping control of themselves, and those around them.

WHAT IS CONTROL? Simply put, it's when you try micromanage your and other peoples thoughts, feelings and actions, and that action is often based on fear of something, someone, or everyone and everything. That fear comes from the traumas of sexual abuse, and is often not recognised as a factor, until guys start to talk about, and then acknowledge that they have major control issues, with families, relationships, work, and daily life.

Lose of that control could make you feel less of a man, or feel as it you are losing control of your life, but in reality, its loss of controlling everything around you that scares you, because if you lose control, what else do you have to protect yourself?

When I first meet a male survivor, one of the first issues to arise is the struggle for control that he has worked hard to maintain over the years, and its only when he starts to let go of that control, that his healing process begin, because unless he lets go of the control, he will remain 'in control' and unable to be open and honest, which will enable him to begin to let go of the abuse that happened to him.

When abuse comes to the forefront of your mind, control kicks in, as you don't want to lost control of yourself, and be seen as either weak or maybe stupid when in reality, it's not weak or stupid to express your real feelings, in any way.

Control issues can also cause you to feel extremes of anxiety and stress, and almost every survivor feels this in varying degrees, and once this issue is recognised, every survivor will admit to being 'control freaks' when in reality, all they have done is tried their best to stay safe and not feel abused again.

This manifests in many ways, but one of the biggest areas is one of staying strong, and not allowing yourself to be seen as weak, inferior or unsafe around others.

Recently, a client was faced with a situation that he had no control over, and wasn't going to get any control over, yet he constantly forced the issue, and stressed out, because he was not in control, and it led him to think that he would be better off dead!.

To have reached that stage, he had tried his best to control an issue that was outside of his control, that he would never be able to gain control of it, yet he still tried to force the issue, until he felt so bad.
Thankfully, by talking about it, again and again, he was able to see that from the abuse he suffered, he had lived almost all his life trying to control his life, control others around and at times, felt lost and alone, because he felt others had control over him, reminding him of the abuse and control that was taken from him.

SOME SCENARIOS FACED BY MALE SURVIVORS:
* Not wanting to go out and be seen, either in restaurants, or public places, because they may be 'seen'.
* Shopping trips that go wrong, because you can't control what is happening around you, so you lose it, becoming angry, afraid, or stressed
* Getting angry when things fail to go the way you planned it. Despite knowing that you can't control people, you continue to try to control the situation, and when that fails, you lose your temper, becoming angry.
* You hold a party, or attend an event, and it fails to go the way you want it, or someone tries to change things, or fails to behave or do things right, so you lose control and anger or rage kicks in.
* Ordinary objects, like cupboards or even TV's 'fail' to do as they should, and you lose control again, often resulting in angry feelings or inappropriate anger towards inanimate objects. Quite often, when doing tasks such as DIY work, its easy to lose control and rage out of control.
* If someone expresses a different viewpoint to yours, or you feel as if they are making you look small, often the result is anger, which comes from loss of control.
So how do you let go the self control issues you have, which affect all areas of your life and those around you?
Make a conscious and determined effort to not allow anyone or anything to wind you up, and instead see what is happening as a game that is being played, and decide to be the winner in the game, by not allowing anyone or anything to trigger you.
If that fails to help, read the Triggers page and see if that helps minimise the control aspects.

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Complications

This world has turned
too complicated,
and we hardly seem able
to do things that matter
in simple, beautiful, ways.
There are a million customs,
thousands of possible rituals,
endless unfathomable mixtures
of customary practices,
merged, evolved, melded,
in infinitely complicated ways,
as chaotic patterns,
that defy proper response,
defy reasonable prediction
as to course of action.
The world has turned
too complicated
and we hardly seem able
to do things that matter
in simple, beautiful, ways,
and that is part of the reason
why it is so difficult
to find even on effective way
to say to a beloved other,
that one truly loves,
for it always seems lost
in the noise of it all,
among customary practices,
among a million rituals,
an endless compilation
of complications,
until it is the hardest thing
to find one effective way
to say to a beloved other,
that one truly loves,
the hardest thing to say
I love you, truly I love you,
and find one has response
that is simple, beautiful,
instead of all lost
in the endless dark abyss
of human culture
with its confrontations,
its meldings, mergings,
its confoundings,
its compoundings
of conflicted ways,
and what now do I do
to tell my beloved other
that I love you,
when a world turns
ever so complicated
that hardly anything is heard
and ever less is believed
of anything as can be said
in simple, beautiful ways?
My beloved, tell me,
what can I do,
what can I say,
how might I convince you
in simple, beautiful ways?

Thursday, 11 February 2016

All too often, male survivors begin their recovery, in the knowledge that it is possible, however painful it may be to recover, then they suddenly back off and stop working on the issues that made them call us in the first place!

So what's the answer to this, and how you can ensure that you wont this and wont be the one who doesn't fail at the first hurdle either.

DON'T MINIMISE THE ABUSE

All to often, I hear guys say "mine was nothing like yours" when we speak about the abuse suffered, and more often than not, when they attend group, they say,after hearing someones else story, that they shouldn't really be complaining.

That kind of response can cause you to think that the abuse you suffered wasn't that bad, it only happened a few times, but I can also guarantee that no matter what was done to you, or how long the abuse lasted, it has had the same devastating effects and affects upon you.

Therefore, you deserve to be part of a group and should be complaining about the abuse you suffered, as its caused enough damage to you and those around you.

So no matter how long it lasted, or what you suffered, please don't feel like a fraud or that you don't deserve support, because you do.

DISABLERS:

Some people, even loved ones, don't want you to change without them, so try to stop you doing so. They won't help you, dragging you back to the past and feeling like you have for ages, which just reminds you of the past, perhaps by telling you how bad or sad you are, and will slowly drag you back down to their level

CLOSED OPTIONS:

This is something you wil do to yourself, perhaps in thinking its better that you go about it alone, or maybe you get tangled up with with everything, without making decisions, thinking that you have always been this way, can't change and won't change.....in other words - 'conditional recovery'

You know that you should listen and perhaps wait, but ignore that and fall back into old habits, thoughts, feelings

BUILDING UP A BANK BALANCE:

Again, this is about storing old resentments, or behaviours up - saving them up, manufacturing resentments, hurt, blame, etc.

You store them up, and when it becomes too much for you, so you can explode or implode, revert back to previous actions and lifestyles, and before you know it, you're back at the beginning, lacking commitment to start again, and consider yourself to be a failure, again!

FEAR OF:

The unknown - Who or what am I.

Of honesty - Will I be accepted, or rejected?

Of responsibility - Can I survive, will I adapt/cope?

PERMISSION: Can I do it?Do I give I myself permission to feel to be vulnerable?Who will I ask to help me?

THREE MAIN AREAS TO WORK ON

1. Make quality decisions in your life, not the same mistakes, that you know will make you feel 'bad'.

2. Identifying the cues and triggers that set you off, and make feel that way.3. Start to use the coping skills that work for you.You need to remain alert to the dangers that are ever present;

Recognise dangers signs.

Avoid placing yourself in high-risk situations.

Seek help when you need it.

Own the decision whether to react or not!

There is, and never will be a magic cure!

Use your common sense- take control of your life.Remember - Facing up to and coping with risks will build up your confidence.

People needed around you -Those who will play 'family' roles, in supporting youFriends who will support you, and hold you steady as you work towards your goalsSupporters who will ensure you stay straight, in thinking and using modes

How to do this?Sit down and write a list of people that can and will help you through this..safe people! Then ask those people you list to actually take on the roles required. Make sure you use them when needed and call them when you need and don't need to, safety first, second and third!