Fun with Franchises: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), Part IV — “This Is Why We Shouldn’t Be Allowed Deities”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix Revolutions.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the fourth part of The Matrix Revolutions.

We begin Part IV wasting some time before the next action sequence.

I was gonna make fun of her for walking like that, but… she earned it.

“Three captains, one ship. I’ll assume the other ships were lost under equally pointless circumstances.”

Colin:

Now this guy is being a REAL prick. He just had them open the gate JUST so they could blow the EMP and he’s throwing it back in their faces. I hope they scalp the motherfucker after all this is done.

They just broke up. He doesn’t know it yet.

Colin:

I’ve been on the other side of that before. Never been broken up with yet, but I’ve given that look before. Unfortunately for the ladies, it’s usually while we’re on the phone, and they never see it coming. End up getting blind-sided like Joe Black. That’s how I roll. And I like peanut butter.

“Am I missing something, commander? I thought we just saved the dock.”

Remember when you were an asshole when she wanted to fly your ship?

Colin:

Well, this is a white man we’re talking about. He’ll take credit for the deeds of a black woman any day. You notice how Rumsfeld was all over Rice’s accomplishments until shit went sour and then he started letting her take credit.

“That’s the problem with you people.”

White people?

“You can’t think but five minutes in front of your face.”

Does time only exist in front of the face?

“That EMP knocked out almost every piece of hardware and every APU. If I were the machines, I would send every sentinel I had here right now. Save the dock, captain? You just handed it to them on a silver platter.”

This is why you don’t own silver platters.

Colin:

Unless I’m mistaken, you ordered the dudes to open the gate so they could do EXACTLY what you’re now reprimanding them for having done. So….yeah. Nope.

More of this. I’d be fascinated if films spent like three solid minutes showing people wheeling off the dead bodies to clear the battlefield and also rob the bodies of the valuables before they dispose of them.

You guys remember Hook?

Incoming.

“Tell everyone to fall back. Seal the shaft.”

Colin:

Heheh, “shaft.”

Your purpose is to stand there and look scared and make the audience scared.

You is fucked. Well, I guess you guys can’t do anything about this, which means it’s time for…

Colin:

Picture time!

Well, I guess you could do that.

Colin:

Wouldn’t you wait til they were inside? What ever happened to the electromagnet idea? Did we shelf that?

Ah… backup power.

What are those machines running on?

Are they stealing power from the machines and essentially powering their shit off other humans?

Because it seems like that’s what they’re doing.

Colin:

That would be great. It would really be a win-win. And think about it — they could probably hook up their own people with “holes” and use the same process to turn them into energy, too. I bet rich women would pay for that. Forget liposuction, you can just plug yourself in to lose weight AND run your house.

“Your move.”

So, they barricaded themselves into this city by the earth’s core. The machines break through. They blow the outer portion and seal themselves into the inner portion as the machines take over the outside portion. Not sure that’s a “move.” You’re just folding a piece of paper in half. Eventually you’re gonna run out of room.

JESUS FUCK THE COUNCIL. BRING BACK THE PERSON THAT MATTERS.

They say that they gave Neo the ship. The Oracle told Niobe that she would either choose to help him or not. She chose to help him. He didn’t take any ammo, he has no chance against their defense system. White guy pilot says Neo was out of his mind.

Colin:

So now they’re having a closed hearing about the blind asshole who’s flying away from the battle.

“No, he wasn’t. Neo is doing what he believes he must do. I don’t know if what he’s doing is right, and I don’t know if he’ll reach the machine city, and if he does, I don’t know what he can do to save us, but I do know that as long as there is a single breath in his body, he will not give up. And neither can we.”

So… we cut to…

FUCKING FINALLY! You know how long he’s been off screen? 27 minutes.

Colin:

And speak of the devil. Here he is.

I like how Morpheus has finally given up hope. “I honestly have no fucking idea if this guy can even do what I recruited him for and helped start the chain of events that has led to this apocalypse… but I know he’s gonna try.”

So no sentinels from here to the Machine City? Is this like everyone fighting to give Sam and Frodo time?

Trinity is Sam.

Also, how do they know where they’re going?

Does everyone know where the Machine City is and no one goes there?

How big is this earth? What if the Machine City was in like, real world Istanbul and Zion were near the core in real world Brazil? Why would you build Zion so close to the Machine City? To steal power?

DRAINAGE!!!!!!!

Colin:

I like to think of it more like North and South Korea. You have a DMZ, but all the people who came out of Zion had to make their way out of the fields and establish shit on foot. Or something. If they were all atrophied, how did they make it? Didn’t the Oracle free them? Ah, whatever. You know that if George Lucas ever got his grubby fingers on this franchise, there would be several prequels covering the beginning of the Robot Wars and the beginning of Zion and stuff.

The best kind of co-pilot you can have.

You think she can still pull rank on him?

Is Bane’s body still laying down below?

How is that ship still running after you fucked up all those wires?

Colin:

Shit never works anymore. You used to be able to fly a bomber back on half a wing, and now your car stops when OnStar detects you dinged a shopping cart. I’m angry with the world today.

They don’t seem to be in any particular hurry. They’re like old people on a Saturday morning.

Their turn signal has been on for three sewers.

Colin:

Neo needs some of those big, plastic sunglasses.

Ah, the fields.

Can you just go over and jostle them and wake people up? Is that how it works?

Colin:

I guess it’s not a big deal to get this far, is it? Cause Morpheus said, in the first movie, that he’d seen the fields with his own eyes. So he’d gotten this far randomly.

“We’re over the fields, aren’t we?”

“How do you know that?”

“I can feel them.”

This is like the end of Spartacus. But with goo pods.

Colin:

I just imagined Kirk Douglass popping a goo pod with his chin butt.

That’s how we laugh the day away in the merry old land of Oz.

Why did the machines build a city?

Why do they need buildings?

Colin:

Where else would they have their robot weddings and go robot shopping and eat robot Chipotle?

How much radiation do you think that city is giving off?

“Over there.”

Follow the power lines.

Colin:

Blue and red.

Yeah, we know they’re coming.

Ah, another drill.

The drill is back online.

“What do we do now, commander?”

“Motherfu…”

Two hours, maybe less. They are fucked.

Colin:

Zerbe is still smiling. Cause he always smiles in the face of danger.

“Commander, do you think we have any chance of surviving?”

Not even a plan? That’s where we’re at? “Do you think we got a shot at not dying?”

“If I were you, counselor, I wouldn’t ask me that question. But ask him.”

The majority of this movie is darkness and dark stuff in darkness. I watched this on my computer with a glare on the screen and I couldn’t see shit that was happening at all for the whole thing.

These are like giant versions of those things from Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind.

Why didn’t Zion have this kind of security system?

Does that thing have a gun dick?

Look at the size of that gun dick.

That gun dick shoots lightning.

Is that a gun dick that shoots sentinels?

Nah, that’s just a regular gun dick.

Oh, no, that is a gun dick that shoots sentinels.

“Sentinels.”

Yes, Trinity, we know.

Colin:

She’s unfamiliar with the latest line of gun dicks.

Maybe she should have Tank…

Oh.

“There’s too many.”

Why not blow the EMP now?

Colin:

Is he gonna stop the bombs? Is that it?

That’s a lot of sentinels for one ship.

That’s a lot of sentinels he’s taking care of right now, too.

That… seems dangerous.

I really don’t care about any of this.

Cypher really did have the right idea.

Oh look, the sentinel is going through him.

Somehow.

Since it’s not going through the windshield of the ship.

I’m not really sure how this is working at all.

I guess they just wanted Jesus imagery.

Colin:

I thought it looked more like he was getting head from a solar flare.

It looks like it’s immediately foreshadowing what’s about to happen to his girlfriend. Though he only gets the metaphorical pipes through his chest. Because it’s a parable or some such shit.

“Gotcha!”

Where was he going?

What the fuck just happened?

“I need help here, Neo.”

WHAT?! HE’S BEEN DOING EVERYTHING.

“I can’t beat them.”

“What do we do?”

“Go up.”

“What?”

“Over them. The sky. It’s the only way.”

“Then up we go.”

Punch it, Chewie.

Why didn’t you think of this earlier?

Colin:

I really have very little to say about this movie. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s just…uneventful. Which, in a way, makes it bad. And by “in a way,” I mean “in reality.”

Still not sure how they scorched the sky.

Colin:

Apparently it was self-replicating nano-machines. They used them to block out the sun and cut off the machine power source, but they covered the whole earth.

And those can’t be killed?

Colin:

Weird how this looks like that shot of his hand in the pod.

This looks like when the Magic School Bus went inside Arnold.

Oh look, the sky still exists.

Maybe they should have built Zion up here.

Colin:

I don’t know why but this makes me think of The Neverending Story.

But nobody’s cried over a horse yet.

Give it about two minutes.

So… apparently that’s possible?

Colin:

The real sky. I’d love to see a pterodactyl or something. What if the other plants or animals left alive helped them win? What if Neo had to win with a spirit bomb?

I guess the sky can come back. But since it’s only been like 200 years, that’s why?

It’s also weird how fake that sky looks, yet how much we welcome real color after how shitty everything’s looked in this movie.

He can’t see SHIT right now.

And… right there… you know she’s dead.

“Beautiful.”

Colin:

Is Trinity dead? Does she die here? A guy can hope.

Yup. That’s what happens before you die.

And you know it, too.

There’s a moon too.

Is it a waxing gibbous?

Jack it off. It’ll restart.

So what happened with the sentinels? Did they act like GTA cops? “They ran out of our field of vision. I guess they’re gone.”

“Again. Slowly.”

Yeah, baby. You do it real slow now.

This looks so shitty in screenshot form.

Trust me, the movie’s not that much more interesting.

Oh good, it restarted just as you’re about to hit that building.

Attractive.

Think that woke anyone up?

Freeze frames tell you everything you need to know.

Also, people getting blown out of the frame violently is hilarious.

Colin:

This movie looks HORRIBLE.

People always get knocked unconscious before they wake up and have a death scene.

“Trin?”

“I’m here.”

Not for long.

“We made it.”

That’s debatable.

“You said we would.”

Colin:

They show most of him and they show only her from the upper chest and up. Calling it right here – she’s got some shit through her body.

“It’s unbelievable, Trin. Light everywhere. Like the whole thing was built of light. I wish you could see what I see.”

“You’re already shown me so much.”

Colin:

They don’t show any of her. Oh she’s done. She’s about to tell him to swing away.

That line right there is the really obvious lead in. People are weirdly obvious and vague at the same time when they die. She doesn’t come out and say she’s dying, yet all the signs are there.

“What is it, Trinity? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t go with you, Neo. I’ve gone as far as I can.”

“What?”

You got a fucking pipe in your sternum.

Colin:

OH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Three pipes. AH AH AH.

“Oh no.” Understatement of the century.

This cut is so funny to me. It’s like, “Oh, one pipe. That’s not so ba— oh, holy fuc. Bitch, you’re fucked.”

“It’s all right. It’s time. I’ve done all that I could do. Now you have to do the rest. You have to finish it. You have to save Zion.”

Colin:

Well, YEAH. NOW you’ve done all that you could do. You could have done other shit if you weren’t full of holes.

“I can’t. Not without you.”

“Yes you can. You will. I believe it. I always have.”

This dialogue is awful. Just die already.

The one time he gets emotional, his face is covered.

Colin:

Haha this is what I’ve been waiting the whole franchise for! I’m so glad I forgot it was coming, because it’s so much more enjoyable now. I get to watch her die for Japan’s pleasure while he cries out his melty eye holes.

“Trinity. You can’t die.”

Yeah… that shit worked twice. Ain’t gonna work this time.

“Oh, yes I can.”

Yeah, that’s it! You show him!

“You brought me back once. But not this time.”

Cringeworthy dialogue.

“Do you remember…”

Are you still fucking talking? I mean, technically she can live a while longer like this, right?

Colin:

After all this speeching, I would give this movie all the stars if she just died before getting to say what she wanted to say. And maybe her bowels would release.

Wouldn’t that be awesome? If she died and you just heard the noise of her bowels hitting the floor of the ship?

“On that roof after you caught me?”

You want him to remember last movie? Not the first movie, which is better?

“The last thing I said to you?”

Ash, cash or grass, nobody rides for free?

“You said ‘I’m sorry.’”

“I wish I hadn’t. That was my last thought. I wished I had one more chance to say what really mattered. To say how much I loved you.”

Pretty sure that can be implied.

Colin:

Can’t they download her brain onto a zip drive or something?

Maybe upload it to that good old IRS d-base.

“How grateful I was for every moment I was with you. But by the time I knew how to say what I wanted to, it was too late.”

Not now though.

“But you brought me back. You gave me my wish.”

You know what I wish? LESS BULLSHIT MORE HUGO WEAVING.

“One more chance to say what I really wanted to say. Kiss me.”

That’s what you wanted to say?

“Once more. Kiss me.”

Colin:

EW no he’s blind

They only fucked once in this franchise.

Just thought you all should know that.

Did those pipes really hit enough vital organs to kill her that quickly? I feel like either that shit was instantaneous or she had at least an hour. What is this, Signs?

Colin:

Now he’s gonna cry like a crazy person and eat Ben & Jerry’s like a fat chick.

Stop showing these assholes. We don’t care.

I have nothing to say about any of these.

I hope the robots win.

“Neo, if you’re gonna do something, you better do it quick.”

This is why we shouldn’t be allowed deities. We don’t believe in them, and then it’s, “Do shit for me.” Leave them the fuck alone. If they’re there, let them do whatever they want to do. And stop invoking their name when you win a fucking sporting event or want to deny women the right to birth control.

Not many “I can’t feel my legs” shots in this franchise.

He’s walking on sunshine!

Colin:

He’s walkin’ on sunshine!

Neo:

Whoa. Oh!

This is cool. Only problem? What’s really happening looks like shit.

See?

What is this, Andy’s room? Why is shit following him?

Colin:

Actually, this looks like the video for Method Man and Red Man’s song, Da Rockwilder. Basically the same premise.

Colin:

I wish we got to see what goes on here in the Robot City. I wanna watch the robot version of Hey Arnold!

They repeat this exact same shot in Speed Racer.

And probably Cloud Atlas too, now that I’m thinking about it.

At this point, what are the odds that Jupiter Ascending doesn’t have this shot?

That’s a lot of red around your eye holes.

How did he know that thing was gonna come to him?

Colin:

That’s some spiky ass hair on that robot.

“I only ask to say what I’ve come to say. After that, do what you want, I won’t try to stop you.”

Zordon?

(Also, told you about the Oz references.)

“Speak.”

Colin:

Ew, it has a creepy baby face?

I wonder which producer’s kid that is.

“The program Smith has grown beyond your control. Soon he will spread through the city as he spread through the Matrix. You cannot stop him. But I can.”

Technically Smith is the reason this is the anomaly that ends the Matrix. Nothing else. Without Smith, Neo can’t win. He gets really fucking lucky, actually. Because if Smith doesn’t start taking over the Matrix, he has no leverage here whatsoever and everyone dies.

This is why we shouldn’t be allowed deities.

“We don’t need you! We need nothing!”

Colin:

Why does this robot show pride and anger? They’re so human, these robots.

Is that what we said about Keanu?

“If that’s true, then I’ve made a mistake and you should kill me now.”

Colin:

Also, what if this was just a local schlub of a robot? Like, a robot mailman? And Neo made some deal with him as Zion is being destroyed, not knowing that the real robot leaders are like a block away on Robot Boulevard.

Robot Boulevard.

“What do you want?”

“Peace.”

Huh?

Oh, you mean with the humans. I thought you were like, “Just fucking kill me.”

Rape rape rape rape rape

You people can’t do shit.

“Oh, what?”

“Y’all motherfuckers is lucky.”

Slink slink slink slink slink

Colin:

Good thing these robots don’t use Sprint. Neo could have made the deal and still gotten Zion killed.

“What are they doing?”

Japan.

Is this what they would have done with Cypher?

Colin:

PS this is the worst chair ever conceived.

Do you have those laying around?

Colin:

Seriously, how did this movie not break records in Japan? I can feel my neighbor getting a boner from here.

“And if you fail?”

“I won’t.”

In this case, I’m not really sure what constitutes either failure or success.

What if it didn’t fit, or if it missed and just went through his skull?

“He fights for us.”

What is this, Tron?

And now the squid are just hanging around, waiting for the outcome of the game.

Man, this might have been the most boring single part of any franchise article we’ve ever done.

"It was difficult for observers to tell whether ODB's wildly erratic behavior was the result of serious drug problems or genuine mental instability." -- My goal in life is to one day have this said about me.

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