Top Joke Quotes

Favorite Joke Quotes

1. "You two would make a cute couple," she says as she passes by with a full dough tray in her arms. I don't know why she says it. We aren't doing anything but folding boxes with the other drivers and telling dirty jokes.But we would.We would make a cute couple."Author: A.S. King

2. "It's a joke to think that anyone is one thing. We're all such complex creatures. But if I'm going to be a poster child for anything, anger's a gorgeous emotion. It gets a bad rap, but it can make great changes happen."Author: Alanis Morissette

3. "It was a lesson she was still learning. When she had first started nursing, she had taken every death personally, like she was losing her father all over again. Every patient lost under her care was a little piece of death she would carry around with her until the end of her own life. But the alternative seemed so unfeeling. Tina and the other nurses could crack jokes and banter back and forth about contestants on American Idol before the body of a deceased patient was even cold. It was a coping mechanism, she knew, but not necessarily one she thought she would ever adopt. There had to be something in between. Olive had been called a bleeding heart before, but her heart no longer had the same plasticity and tenderness—it was scarred and worn beyond repair"Author: Andrea Lochen

4. "I never told a joke in my life."Author: Andy Kaufman

5. "We are made to bleed and scab and heal and bleed again and turn every scar into a joke. We are made to fight and fuck and talk and fight again and sit around and laugh until we choke."Author: Ani DiFranco

6. "Emma this is not a joke. Look at your hands! They're... they're... wrinkled!""Yes that's because-""No way. I'm not going down for this. This isn't my fault.""Toraf-""Galen will find some way to blame me though. He always does. 'You wouldn't have gotten caught if you didn't swim so close to that boat, tadpole.' No it couldn't be the humans fault for fishing in the first place-""Toraf.""Or how about. 'Maybe if you'd stop trying to kiss my sister, she'd stop bashing your head with a rock.' How does my kissing her have anything to do with her bashing my head with a rock? If you ask me, it's just a result of poor parenting-""Toraf.""Oh and my favorite: 'If you play with a lionfish, you're going to get pricked.' I wasn't playing with it! I was just helping it swim faster by grabbing its fins-""TOR-AF."He stops pacing along the water, even seems to remember that I exist. "Yes, Emma? What were you saying?"Author: Anna Banks

7. "After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.'"Author: Aziz Ansari

8. "It's basically a joke." "I think it's cool," Julian says. "It's all about control, right?" He considers something. "It's not a joke. You should take it seriously. I mean, you're also one of the producers--" I cut him off. "Why have you been tracking this?" "It's a big deal and--" "Julian, it's a movie," I say. "Why have you been tracking this? It's just another movie." "Maybe for you." "What does that mean?" "Maybe for others it's something else," Julian says. "Something more meaningful." "I get where you're coming from, but there's a vampire in it."Author: Bret Easton Ellis

9. "Anything where we're the butt of the joke, no one tells us about it."Author: Chris Martin

10. "Peter to Austin: "Here are the facts, Austin. You've been engaged four times.You've cheated on every single one of them. You're cruelsometimes and superficial and spoiled and really fucked upemotionally. You talk about my being inscrutable, but you treatnothing as if it matters to you. Something terrible happens? Youmake a joke and shrug it off. You feel too much? You get angryand lash out at me. So no, I'm not in love with you. I'm fightingit every fucking step! I just wish I could stop it."Author: Dani Alexander

11. "I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit."Author: Daniel Tosh

12. "You start out wanting to change the world through language, and end up thinking it's enough to tell a few good jokes."Author: David Nicholls

13. "Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?"Author: Dick Clark

14. "You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."Author: Dylan Moran

15. "Evening when I got back from the convent where I worked part-time my clothes were in a bundle on the step, my name in big print on a label on top. At first I thought it was a joke, but when I examined it I saw that every stitch I owned was in there, my pleated skirt, my good shoes, laddered stockings, my brush and comb, my prayer book, everything."Author: Edna O'Brien

16. "One day you're going to see her holding hands with someone who took your chance. She won't even notice you because she's too busy laughing with the stupid jokes he makes. And it will burn your heart seeing that beautiful smile on her face and realizing that you're not the reason anymore. And then it will hit you: it was her, it was always her."Author: Elisabeth Van Den Abeele

18. "A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents."Author: Georg C. Lichtenberg

19. "The good stuff in me I got from my mom. I can joke, I can laugh, I can tease, I can celebrate and support and praise – I can operate in sunlight, basically – but I can't deal with angry or tearful women."Author: Gillian Flynn

20. "To me, music is no joke and it's not for sale."Author: Ian Mackaye

21. "It's like that Simpsons joke - they're filming a cow in a movie and they go, 'OK, we'll tape a bunch of cats together to make a cow', and it's like, 'Why don't you just use a cow?'. For some reason that is novel - like, 'Oh, my guitar sounds like a piano and now if I can just get my piano to sound like my guitar'."Author: Ian Williams

22. "I used to love being the class clown. I loved to make jokes and make people laugh. There was a set of students who would find it funny. But the cool students were like, 'Eeew!'"Author: Issa Rae

23. "I know what's funny, and I probably know the best way to deliver the joke. Whether it's walking out of a room, facing that way, facing this way. I just have a sense of that."Author: James Burrows

24. "He was not a practical joke nor was he a fool but he was determinedly original and had a vague and modest idea of himself as a legendary figure."Author: John Cheever

25. "I'll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying."Author: Kanye West

26. "He'd never been one for jokes, but of course he'd pick now to get a sense of humor."Author: Kiersten White

27. "Then he walked in, the Great Mystery Man, now known as Cabe "Hawk" Delgado. I'd fallen in love with him at first sight. No joke. He was hot but it wasn't lust. It was love. Okay, it was part lust but it was mostly love."Author: Kristen Ashley

28. "I joke that I learned the essentials of storytelling from Hanna-Barbera, but I pretty much did. That kind of television is what enamored me as a kid, and that's what really got me hooked. You could say that's where it all began."Author: Kurt Sutter

29. "But when I roamed New York City, knowing so much and capable of speaking so nicely, and yet so lonely, and often hungry and cold, I learned the joke at the core of American self-improvement: knowledge was so much junk to be processed one way or another at great universities. The real treasure the great universities offered was a lifelong membership in a respected artificial extended family."Author: Kurt Vonnegut

30. "It was a family joke that Lydia's domestic tendencies were somehow misplaced when she was created."Author: Lawana Blackwell

31. "What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands."Author: Lewis Carroll

32. "On Monday they went out for a private picnic.On Tuesday they went for a carriage drive.On Wednesday they went to pick bluebells.On Thursday they fished at the lake, returning with damp clothes and sun-glazed complexions, laughing together at a joke they didn't share with anyone else.On Friday they danced together at an impromptu musical evening, looking so well matched one of the guests remarked it was a pleasure to watch them.On Saturday Matthew woke up wanting to murder someone."Author: Lisa Kleypas

33. "I'll understand if you don't want me. But I will be heartbroken. You are all I ever dreamed of and hoped for. You are much, much more. Please know that I didn't think I was mean-minded. But I realize I am. I don't want you to put your arms around me and say it's all right, that you forgive me. I want you to be sure that you do, and my love for you will last as long as I live. I can see no lightness, no humour, no joke to make. I just hope that we will be able to go back to when we had laughter, and the world was coloured, not black and white and grey. I am so sorry for hurting you. I could inflict all kinds of pain on myself, but it would not take back any I gave to you. - David Power"Author: Maeve Binchy

34. "The thing I was beginning to figure out about Sam and Grace, the thing about Sam not being able to function without her, was that that sort of love only worked when you were sure both people would always be around for each other. If one half of the equation left, or died, or was slightly less perfect in their love, it became the most tragic, pathetic story invented, laughable in its absurdity. Without Grace, Sam was a joke without a punch line."Author: Maggie Stiefvater

35. "It's better to read first rate science fiction than second rate science -- it's a lot more fun, and no more likely to be wrong," joked Lord Rees, Astronomer Royal and the former president of the Royal Society, at Wired 2013."Author: Martin J. Rees

36. "My life has been one great big joke, a dance that's walked a song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself."Author: Maya Angelou

37. "People make a lot of jokes about the empty nest. Let me tell you, it is no laughing matter. It is really hard."Author: Michelle Pfeiffer

38. "I like smart jokes, I like dumb jokes, and I like dumb jokes done smartly."Author: Mike Myers

39. "Even death is a joke on the old devil, if we are living for the Lord."Author: Nancy B. Brewer

41. "A dead man sits on all our judgment seats; and living judges do but search out and repeat his decisions. We read in dead men's books! We laugh a dead men's jokes, and cry at dead men's pathos!"Author: Nathaniel Hawthorne

42. "I found, especially with stand-up, that if a premise works, you can make the joke work. If a premise doesn't work, you can't force it to."Author: Nick Kroll

43. "When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them."Author: Paul Merton

44. "I was so amazingly witty when I had the No. 1 movie, you have no idea. People laughed at every single one of my jokes. Then when I hadn't had a hit for three or four years, some of these same people pretended they didn't see me when I walked in the room."Author: Rebecca De Mornay

45. "I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time."Author: Sandra Chami Kassis

46. "All this is only fooling, for if it is true that every man must work for his own salvation, then all the prophecies about the future of the world are only valuable and allowable as a recreation, or a joke, like playing bowls or cards."Author: Søren Kierkegaard

47. "We have to joke about it because the alternative is to be scared"Author: Suzanne Collins

48. "I wasn't about to tell him that I never said anything to anyone who teased me. I just went along with it like it was my joke too. I wanted everyone to like me…"Author: Sydney Salter

49. "If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire's rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century.""You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked."Author: Tara Sivec

50. "At that shameful stage in the development of our criticism, literary abuse would overstep all limits of decorum; literature itself was a totally extraneous matter in critical articles: they were pure invective, a vulgar battle of vulgar jokes, double-entendres, the most vicious calumnies and offensive constructions. It goes without saying, that in this inglorious battle, the only winners were those who had nothing to lose as far as their good name was concerned. My friends and I were totally deluded. We imagined ourselves engaged in the subtle philosophical disputes of the portico or the academy, or at least the drawing room. In actual fact we were slumming it."Author: Vladimir Odoevsky