(Note: This article didn’t make the Sunday paper due to word count limitations, so I thought I would post it up online. You will tell it was for print because it is 600 words as opposed to my usual 20000. Please not, it cost the lives of three unpaid bloggers to get it done and I promised them that I would post it no matter what. And yes, they died because Jay Feaster ate them. He both loathes yet needs bloggers.)

Villain of the Month: The NHL Trade Deadline

This month, the choice was obvious. Sure, we could have chosen the Calgary Flames, or Mark Messier’s picture that still hangs in Rogers Arena (true story), or the endless amounts of shootouts we have seen recently, but when it’s the end of February in the NHL there is only one true villain: The NHL Trade Deadline.

The NHL Trade Deadline is an event that can turn even the strongest of hockey fans into a quivering mess of a person at the drop of a hat. Why this happens, nobody knows, but scientists believe it is due mainly to the fact that the grass is always greener effect that occurs within people. Watch any fan on trade deadline day, and you will see the following things being said:

– “Oh man, why didn’t WE get him??”

– “THAT’S ALL IT COST TO GET HIM??”

– “Why didn’t we trade a 3rd rounder to get him? We could have even offered a 2nd!”

– “He went to that team? Well, we’re screwed now, just hand them the cup already.”

– “All we needed to do was add a top 4 d-man and a top 6 forward, is our GM even awake?”

– “Why is Mike Milbury beating that fan with a shoe??”

Yes, it is in our fan nature to panic when we see other teams running around making moves and we see nothing coming from the home team. It doesn’t matter if we have a team that finished first overall last year and just fell short of a Stanley Cup win, this trade deadline will still have some people convinced that Dominic Moore just cemented the Stanley Cup for the San Jose Sharks. Rick Nash will spark heavy debate if he gets traded, as fans will wonder if he will score 50 goals against their team in the playoffs, or 60. It is not the most rational of times in Canuck Nation when the trade deadline rolls around. (For proof of this, people were actually once excited when we got Martin “Team Killer” Rucinsky. Someone actually high fived this trade back in the day.)

So it is with the trade deadline in mind that we want to offer alternatives to Vancouver fans instead of sitting at work or home waiting for trades to happen. You need to beat the fear of the deadline, and not fall prey to it like some bad horror movie. Don’t go outside because you heard a strange noise. Instead, why not try some of these alternatives?

1) Have you booed Mark Messier lately? Sure, this might seem petty, but instead of wondering if the Canucks traded their 3rd rounder for that European defenseman you’ve never heard of who plays for the Lightning, why not go outside and try and find Mark Messier to boo at? Not only will you get exercise from doing this, but you’ll also get to boo the worst Canuck in the entire history of the world. When is it not the right time to boo Messier? Exactly.

2) Have you bought a pair of Trevor Linden glasses yet? He has been pushing those bad boys pretty hard lately. You should help Trev out and go buy a pair of glasses. He would do the same for you. He also scored two goals for you in game 7 of 1994. You’re telling me you can’t buy one pair of glasses for him? Come on. Don’t be selfish.

3) Watch tapes of last years Stanley Cup Final and punch the wall repeatedly at all the non calls the Bruins got away with. The trade deadline will seem far less important in comparison to the horrifying loss of game 7 last year as well as your broken fingers.

4) Boo Mark Mess- oh wait, we covered that.

5) Watch Jurassic Park and debate the fate of that can Nedry dropped…Did someone else pick it up? Was it lost forever? If it was lost forever, why did they make such a big deal out of the fact the can got covered by mud?? Why was Jurrasic Park 2 so unbelievably bad??? See, already this is better than wondering why the Canucks didn’t land Ryan Suter.

6) Follow Theo Fleury on twitter and watch how many times he insults the Canucks. Every time he does, take two shots. You should be able to ride this drinking game all the way into sweet sweet alcohol poisoning by day two. By the time you recover from your coma, the deadline will have passed. Yay!

7) Put cheese on it. We don’t know what, but we’re pretty sure it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that John Garrett would approve of this option.

While we highly recommend option number 5, we know that all of you will be glued to the news as you try and figure out the exact moment the Canucks land Shea Weber. And sadly we can’t blame you, because we’ll be there, right behind you.

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