A Guide to Surviving Fall in Portland aka: Summer “Went Out to Buy Cigarettes” and is Never Coming Back

So first off if you’re reading this, congratulations! You didn’t overdose or asphyxiate on your own vomit from partying this summer! That’s great and I’m sure your parents are proud. I hope you were right on the brink, though, and you got all the summering out of your system because look outside, my little Portland miscreants! The grey has enveloped us once again. You are a responsible adult who chose to live in Portland though, so don’t get all weird and Elliot Smith about it. Instead of contemplating suicide, here’s a guide to easing into the not so river-worthy weather and enjoying yourself when the sky makes it clear that god thinks you’re a shitty friend.

Totally metal pumpkin taken from king-arturia-emiya.deviantart.co

1. Carve some fucking pumpkins or some shit – Carving pumpkins if fun because you totally get to play with knives and you can make them as obscene as possible (or as obscene as your artistic skills allow). Feel like worshiping Satan? Don’t we all! Throw in a 666. Did your girlfriend cheat on you this summer? Didn’t they all! Make a voodoo doll pumpkin and therapize yourself by stabbing it a lot! Come on, pal! You are a Portlander so there’s like a 67% chance that you are convinced you hold some sort of artistic talent. So as the sadness of another summer passed slips over you, stab and carve it out on a squash, because they aren’t smart enough to have feelings.*

*If you’re too hungover or something just get someone to run to Starbucks because they are serving Pumpkin Spice Lattes again and that is not really that comparable to actually carving a pumpkin or anything, but they are delicious.

Picture taken from portlandmercury.com

2. Go see every movie at Laurelhurst, ever – Laurelhurst you are so rad and punctual and dark. You are consistently $4 and you have pizza and beer and wine and water and all of those things comprise the majority of my genetic make-up. You are the equivalent of the day-old food section at the bakery; yes, ok, your movies may come out a bit later than they do at the fancy theaters with the chairs that don’t squeak and are kind of comfortable, but yours are just as movie-ish and they even come with booze. So cheer up, you delinquent. Laurelhurst wants to shelter you from the oncoming fall monsoons.

3. Stay inside and make out – You heard me. The rest of the world has nothing to offer that a couch, a movie, a hot babe, and a call to your favorite delivery place can’t top. This is one of the best things to do ever, so call your make-out buddy (NOTE: A make out buddy. Not a significant other. If you do this with a significant other it is just called a “Tuesday” and I am not talking about boring relationship shit like that.) and tell them to put on their sexiest PJ pants, and then you guys can run over to Movie Madness (this is legit like the best movie store left in the entire universe) and use whoever’s account hasn’t been shut down yet due to late fees. Don’t forget snacks. You’re welcome.

These are scientifically proven to be the worst, most hideous rain boots in the history of the world.

4. Go on a rainy day walk – Put on your stupid poncho and your fashionable galoshes. Grab your iPod, a coffee and a pack of smokes, if that’s what your into, and go on a long walk and think about your life. And then come back home and create something about it. And PS while your out could you pick me up some Pho cuz I swear to god that shit was created by a brilliant Vietnamese mad scientist who knew that Portland would be a thing some day.

5. Get drunk – Same as always! Portland bars are well-equipped for shitty weather and you have been neglecting the warm dives you haunted last winter and they miss you and don’t worry – they haven’t changed or been renovated and they are probably trying to sell that same bag of Fritos they were trying to sell you last year. Call up your friend, or better yet – don’t! Make a new one. Drink liberally. It’s gonna be a while before your see the sunshine, unless you have to go to a wedding in Los Angeles or something.

6. Go to church – hahahaahahahaha omfg you guys jk jk jk

7. Head to Fright Town – Do you like scary movies and scary things? No? Well then you’re of common mind here in Portland because it’s like WTF. I cannot find one other fucking person who does, minus my best friend Lauren. HOWEVER, we will be heading the Fright Town next weekend to totally scare ourselves stupid. It’s no Hell House but it will do.*

*WARNING – this place is supposed to be super scary so eat all your anti-anxiety meds like 40 minutes before you walk in the door.

“Sigh. Okay…I guess I’ll buy a book.”

8. Go to Powells – By a book you uninformed, illiterate drunk.

9. Go shoot some guns – This is America and the Second Amendment still stands and we take full advantage of that up here in Oregon and if you don’t then you hate our freedom and want the terrorists to win. So if you’re not into doing the al Quaida dance, head on over to your local web browser, Yelp-search some shooting ranges (yeah I actually just did that for you just now so you legit have like, no excuse) and mount up.

Guns don’t kill people. These two dudes do.

There is so much other stuff to do here. This city is made for survival in wet weather! What are some other wholesome, healthy, family-friendly activities that you like to do in the rain that maybe don’t include sacrificing a goat?

get in touch

Got a broke-ass tip?
Wanna advertise with us?
How about write for us?
Got any love letters or death threats for me?
Send them here: info@BrokeAssStuart.com

who we are

We write for busboys, poets, social workers, students, artists, musicians, magicians, mathematicians, maniacs, yodelers and everyone else out there who wants to enjoy life not as a rich person, but as a real person. Namely, we write for you.