The Couch

Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 27, 2002.
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
as two lines above are included - Thanks)

Jerry's stand-up: The love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I
guess some guy
thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just
shorten the
furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is
very flattering to
the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious
deadbeat
with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? I
mean, it goes back
so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's over!
You're wiped!'

Opening scene - Jerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping
for a new couch.

JERRY: So, she got you to join a book club?

GEORGE: I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.

JERRY: Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence.
<Sits on a couch.> Hey, what about this one?

JERRY (sees a white couch by the wall): Oh, what about this one? Look
at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. <Sits on the couch.>
Oh, yeah!

New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. The moving guys are
delivering Jerry's new couch.

ELAINE: Hey, what's going on?

JERRY: New couch, baby!

ELAINE: New couch? Why?

JERRY: I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It
doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over.

<Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and they
pick up Jerry's old couch.>

ELAINE (to Carl, flirtatiously): Hello.

CARL: Hello.

ELAINE: Oh, let me get the door for you. <They carry the couch out
the door.> Ooh, be careful!

JERRY: Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of
a kind, they stopped making it.

ELAINE: What are you doing with your old couch?

JERRY: Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it?

ELAINE: Yeah, I'll take it.

JERRY: Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment.

ELAINE: Yes, they can. <Kramer enters.>

KRAMER: Hey! Couch is comin.'

JERRY: It's here!

KRAMER: Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way,
I feel like I'm getting a new couch.

JERRY (nonplussed): Yeah. So do I.

KRAMER: Ooh! Remember Poppie?

JERRY: Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember
that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your
own pizza?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: What was that again?

KRAMER: It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the
dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into
the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds
good, huh?

ELAINE (in a southern accent): Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and
make mah own pie!

JERRY: What made you resurrect that old idea?

KRAMER: Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the
"old" idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know,
he wants to back it.

ELAINE: I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.

JERRY: I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health?

KRAMER: That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine
just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got
a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.

ELAINE: Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!

KRAMER: Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You
know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you.

JERRY: Oh, Kramer, I -

<Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being brought
in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor. They place the
couch in the same spot as the old one.>

New scene - George at home, preparing to read "Breakfast At Tiffany's."

GEORGE: Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." <Begins to read,
but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table.
George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch,
and doesn't start the book.>

New scene - Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant.

ELAINE: So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he
says, "Do you date moving men?"

JERRY: Ah ha...

ELAINE: You wanna know what I said?

JERRY: I can't wait.

ELAINE: "I do now."

JERRY: Clever.

ELAINE: Is that something?

JERRY: Yes.

ELAINE: Is that something?

JERRY: You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before,
I didn't offer them anything to drink.

ELAINE: Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.

JERRY: So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink?

ELAINE: Yes.

JERRY: Well, would you apologize for me? <Elaine nods. Poppie comes
out of the kitchen.>

POPPIE: Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again! <Puts his hand out.>

JERRY (clearly creeped out by having to shake Poppie's hand): Hello, Poppie.
This is Elaine.

ELAINE: Nice to meet you, Poppie.

POPPIE: Let me show you to your table. <Leads Jerry and Elaine to the
table.> Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent!

JERRY: Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together.

POPPIE: Your friend and I are going to make a lot of money. Of course,
I already have a lot of money. Poppie does very well...very well.

ELAINE: Well, your mother must be very proud of you.

POPPIE: My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle
of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp,
where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she
was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some
bad fish, and she died...on the high seas.

JERRY: So, what's good tonight?

Cut back to George at home. His television program finishes, and he turns
off the TV. He stretches, then goes back to reading - not "Breakfast
At Tiffany's" however, but an issue of Cracked magazine.

JERRY: Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. <Gets up and leaves.>

New scene - Jerry and George in a booth at the coffee shop.

JERRY: Well, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there.

GEORGE: I'm sorry I missed it.

JERRY: Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty
much all my fault. <Jerry smiles. George laughs.> So, how's the
book coming? <George's laughs taper off...> I say, how's the book
comin'?

GEORGE: Oh...pretty good.

JERRY: So, what's it about?

GEORGE: Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.

JERRY: Holly Go-Lightly.

GEORGE: Yeah, she's quite a character.

JERRY: Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: Big surprise.

GEORGE: I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very
hard to concentrate.

JERRY: You're not very bright, are you?

GEORGE: No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna
do? The book club meets in a few days.

JERRY: Why don't you rent the movie?

GEORGE: 'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright,
now I'm relieved. <Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.>

KRAMER (scanning a menu): So...how was the dinner last night?

JERRY: Oh...well...

KRAMER: Did you enjoy the duck? <Elaine comes back from the bathroom.>
Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night.

ELAINE (sitting down): Oh...well...

KRAMER: Alright, what did you do to Poppie?

ELAINE: Nothing.

KRAMER: Well, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there.

ELAINE: What's wrong with him?

KRAMER: I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. <angrily>
It would be nice if you got him something. <Punches the the table to
accentuate this, and leaves.>

JERRY: We should get him something.

ELAINE: Yeah. You're right.

New scene - Elaine and Carl sitting in carl's moving van after a date.

ELAINE: Do you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo
for a year? And I shampoo every day. <Carl smiles.> So, what do
you think of my conversation?

CARL: Not much! <They both laugh.> I, uh, would have invited you
up, but I don't have any furniture.

ELAINE: You don't have any furniture?

CARL: No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. <They laugh again.>

ELAINE: Well, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh?

CARL: Yeah! No heavy lifting. <Elaine and Carl look into each others
eyes, then kiss.>

New scene - Kramer visiting Poppie at the hospital. There sitting on a
bench outside.

KRAMER: Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to
you, and they wanted you to have this.

POPPIE (opening the gift basket): What's this? A bottle of wine and a
five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie?!

KRAMER: Why, what...?

POPPIE: Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal disorder? If I would
have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone! This is
a sick, sick joke on Poppie. How could you be friends with those two?

KRAMER: Well, we're not very close.

POPPIE: They owe me for those ducks. They were flown in from Newfoundland.

KRAMER: Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?

POPPIE: Oh, very good ducks.

New scene - Elaine shows up at Jerry's apartment. Jerry opens the door.

ELAINE: I'm in looove!

JERRY: Whoa!

ELAINE: This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person!
He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky!

JERRY: Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?

ELAINE: No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You
know? There are no games! <Sits down on the couch.>

JERRY: No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you
know if you're winning or losing?

ELAINE (putting on lipstick): Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games
and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity.

JERRY: Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?

ELAINE (looks at Jerry and smears lipstick across her face): What?

JERRY: What is his stand...on abortion?

ELAINE: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.

JERRY: How do you know?

ELAINE: Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.

JERRY: Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming
over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.

New scene - George at a video store counter.

GEORGE: I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.

CLERK (checking the computer): Uh, this is out. Someone has it.

GEORGE: Out? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones
that have had it.

CLERK: Well, I could put it on reserve for you, if you'd like.

GEORGE: Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.

CLERK: Oh, sorry. We can't do that.

GEORGE: Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up.

CLERK: I don't think so. It doesn't work that way.

<The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended.
George waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good look at
the information on his computer monitor.>

Commercial break.

New scene - George at the address of the people who have rented Breakfast
At Tiffany's. He's buzzed their apartment on the intercom.

VOICE ON INTERCOM: Yes?

GEORGE: Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?

INTERCOM: Yes.

GEORGE: Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did
you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?

New scene - Jerry laying on his new couch. Kramer enters.

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey, what's happenin.'

KRAMER: Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night.
I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.

JERRY: Oh, really. <Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up
the couch.>

ELAINE: Hi.

CARL: Hi.

JERRY: Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch
back.

CARL: Today?

JERRY: Could you?

CARL: Sure.

ELAINE (to Jerry): What are you doing with this couch?

JERRY: George is taking it.

ELAINE: Did you tell him it was peed on?

JERRY: He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over.

New scene - Elaine and Carl in Elaine's kitchen.

CARL: I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.

ELAINE: Yeah, me too.

CARL: It's just too bad.

ELAINE: Yeah. It is.

CARL: Well, I better get this couch back to Jerry's.

ELAINE: Can I offer you anything to drink?

CARL (off-camera): Yeah, sure.

ELAINE (looking in the fridge): All I've got is grape juice.

CARL: Throw it!

<Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and we hear
the sound of breaking glass.>

CARL: The couch!

Commercial break.

New scene - George sitting in with the book club around a back booth at
Monk's.

MARIE (describing Holly Go-Lightly in "Breakfast At Tiffany's"):
She didn't want the constraints of any relationship, that's why she got
rid of the cat. The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence.

GEORGE: Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George
Peppard. I mean, Fred.

MARIE: George...Fred's gay.

<George ponders this quizzically.>

End of episode.

Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 27, 2002.
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site