Category: breaking news

in a political development that stunned the people of bangladesh, dr. fakhruddin ahmed, the newly appointed chief adviser of the caretaker government, today announced that the heads of the five major political parties in bangladesh had been appointed as the remaining five advisers of the caretaker government.

dr. ahmed, in his first speech to the nation, declared that, since it seemed that everybody in bangladesh was politically aligned, the only way left to create a non-party and neutral caretaker government was to include the heads of the five major political parties in bangladesh in an attempt to appease all of them at the same time.

“i think that this is a monumental step in the history of bangladesh,” said dr. ahmad in his televized address. “the five new advisers can now advise the caretaker government and myself openly and in public, without having to do so secretly, thus avoiding criticism and allegations of political bias.”

dr ahmed in his speech further stated that he expected the appointments to be a breakthrough in the political stalemate that has arisen in bangladesh today. “hasina and khaleda have reportedly not spoken to each other in fifteen years. well, now they don’t have much of a choice,” he added.

reaction of appointees

in an instant reaction, sheikh hasina wazed, chairperson of the awami league called the decision a disgrace and mockery of the constitution. “this is just another ploy by the bnp-jamaat alliance to engineer the next elections,” she said. “i thereby immediately demand that i step down from the position of adviser to the caretaker government. in the event that i do not comply with the demand, i warn the caretaker government that the jonota will take to the streets to support my demand for my immediate resignation,” she added, before lapsing into epileptic fits and episodes of speaking in tongues.

hussain md. ershad, former president of bangladesh and chairman of jatiya party, reacted to the news by arriving at the bangabhaban for the inauguration and oath-taking of the advisers, only to be sent home disappointed due to the news that there was, in fact, no oath-taking scheduled.

another former president of bangladesh, badruddoza chowdhury, chairman of the liberal democratic party (ldp), reacted by organizing a press conference at the ldp office in baridhara in dhaka. however, he did not appear at the press conference since he had been murdered by an increasingly jealous colonel (retd.) oli ahmad, [insert random useless title here] of his party, for repeatedly stealing ahmed’s thunder and spotlight.

on the other hand, bnp president begum khaleda zia welcomed the announcement. however, she warned, “the constitution does not specifically mention hasina’s name in the section regarding caretaker government advisers, and so this may very well be another attempt by the mohajote to violate the constitution. therefore, i simultaneously accept and reject the proposal,” she said.

meanwhile, ameer of jamaat-i-islami matiur rahman nizami hesitated to convey his reaction to the announcement to journalists, stating that he had to go meet and subsequently bad-mouth diplomats first, whereas our correspondent found him on the telephone to khaleda zia, frantically asking her what his reaction should be.

reaction of president

in response to the announcement, dr. iajuddin ahmed, president and former chief adviser, went back to bed with a headache, but not before signing an order declaring a “state of extreme and utter emergency” in bangladesh for the first time in its history. in response, dr. sufiya rahman, former caretaker adviser, rushed to the bangabhaban to tend to iajuddin’s headache, echoing the only important thing that she did during her tenure as adviser.

portfolios of advisers

our bangabhaban correspondent adds, the portfolios for the five advisers have already been selected by the president and the chief adviser to the caretaker government. the ministries have been divided among the advisers based on their respective fields of expertise, as indicated in the bangabhaban gazette notification below:

sheikh hasina: ministry of religious affairs (for her excellent work with the khatme nabuat movement, ministry of youth and sports (for her expertise in developing extracurricular activities like hartals and oborodhs for the young)

khaleda zia: ministry of power, energy and mineral resouces (for her skill in destroying the power infrastructure of an entire country in the span of five years), ministry of local government and rural development and ministry of communications (so she can figure out what exactly abdul mannan bhuiyan and nazmul huda were doing the last five years).

our bangabhaban correspondent further adds that ershad has not taken the allotment of portfolios well. specifically, he has demanded at least five ministries under his leadership, and has threatened to participate in the caretaker government by himself if his demand is not met by the chief adviser.

in what is being termed a triumph for diplomacy, the delivery of laxatives on saturday to awami league chairperson sheikh hasina by richard boucher, us assistant secretary of state, has led to the withdrawal of the 14-party combine’s indefinite blockade program.

speaking to journalists after their brief meeting, boucher said, “despite the attempts of various persons to remove this blockade program, the us government under the all-knowing and benevolent george bush realized that the current political impasse in bangladesh was a metaphor for sheikh hasina’s personal troubles.”

boucher further added, “we have seen empirical evidence at home of the effectiveness of laxatives as a tool to soothe political troubles – just look at how well george bush is handling the loss of congress to democrats.”

despite this correspondent’s attempts to speak to hasina following the delivery of the potent medication, the awami league chief could not be reached for comment. however, saber hossain chowdhury, hasina’s political secretary, said in a brief statement, “the intervention by the us government has been heartily welcomed by the chairperson. following boucher’s departure, hasina retreated to her private quarters with the medication, and is yet to emerge. however, she earlier sent us a message saying that the indefinite blockade program should be canceled immediately, and that the awami league will switch to non-confrontational and peaceful politics immediately.”

a well-placed source in hasina’s residence sudha sadan informs us that the message was conveyed to senior party leaders by hasina through the covert method of shouting through her bathroom door. our source inside sudha sadan further adds, hasina’s ingestion of the medication has had a profound impact on her state of mind regarding politics and the future of bangladesh. hasina now understands the value of compromise and dialogue in developing the country and ensuring safety and sanity of all its citizens, adds the source.

awami league general secretary abdul jalil in a separate statement said, “the chairperson is currently busy on what is being called the ‘epiphany toilet’ and is not to be disturbed. however, we are considering the delivery of the medication by richard boucher to be a significant victory for the awami league over the ruthless oppression and torture that we have been subjected to over the past five years by the 4-party3-party 2-party alliance and their puppet president. we therefore give the caretaker government upto next thursday at noon to remove the embargo on laxatives for hasina, otherwise we will be forced to demonstrate again on the streets.”jalil further stated that the 14-party combine’s 11 demands for the caretaker government had been reduced to a one-point demand: free access to laxatives for all politicians.

our source inside sudha sadan reports that, now that hasina has solved the problem of confrontational politics in bangladesh, she is hard at work on the epiphany toilet developing innovative solutions to poverty, corruption and the problem of bangladeshi teenagers listening to gangster rap and death metal.

meanwhile, the liberal democratic party (ldp), bangladesh’s newest political party, stated at their daily press briefing adda-and-tea-session with journalists that they are currently observing the situation carefully and will respond in 48 hours. journalists at the session unanimously agreed that nobody in the country really cared anymore.