While we may no longer be putting on Conferences, we still hope to be a part of spreading the word about healing and growth through recovery from betrayal trauma. One of the projects we were most passionate about was the creation of these fourteen Togetherness Community Lessons, by some of the best and brightest therapists in this field. We hope that this resource will continue to be utilized and shared by women everywhere. Please feel free to pass them along!

Four years ago we got to work on an idea, a project -- to bring women together so they would know they weren't alone -- and looking back over these last four years, we feel like we've completed that project and it accomplished SO MUCH MORE than we could have ever imagined.

The world is very different than it was when we started -- there are SO many more resources, organizations, support, and openness when it comes to the topic of pornography's harmful effects on marriages, relationships, families, and our society. Women every day are coming up with their own ideas to promote and spread the hope of healing from betrayal trauma. There are facebook groups, retreats, forums, 12 step meetings, and online support out there that wasn't nearly as available when we first got started.

And there are countless great ideas percolating among you, the women working recovery, that will take root and become the next project or the next non-profit or the next retreat. Online and in person, there is a network and community of women -- amazing women that are only beginning to realize the fullness of their potential. So, thank you for being a part of this project -- because the relationships that were created were priceless, and will be enjoyed for years to come. And as our particular project comes to a close, we are going to be anxiously waiting to see where your ideas lead you -- because you will change the world.

This is probably one of the hardest and most bittersweet posts I've ever had to write. I'm just not sure how to even begin and coming up with the right words is proving to be quite difficult today. But there's also a peaceful prompting in my heart that keeps whispering,

"This is right and it's all going to be okay."

What started as a small and simple idea to gather local women together, all of whom had endured some level of betrayal trauma, The Togetherness Project has grown into something so big and beautiful and totally unexpected. Since our beginning in 2013, the Project has united hundreds of women from all over the United States (and different parts of the world) through our conferences, our online and local communities, and our social media efforts. For many women, a unique sisterhood, a sense of belonging, and a safe place to share the hardest and most painful parts of their lives has been found.

Togetherness has only been possible because of unbelievably devoted and passionate team members: Amy Egbert, Hilary Johnson, and Shay Carl.

Through sweat and sometimes tears . . .

Through late night meetings, that end in laughing so hard our stomachs hurt and our eyes are tearing up . . .

Through the joys of playing some small part in one woman finding out that she is NOT alone in this . . .

Through endless conversations about the past, present, and future of Togetherness . . .

And after thousands of hours of hard work and a million sweet moments of emotional pay offs . . .

The time has come to bittersweetly announce that Togetherness is coming to an end.

While I experience a very real sadness as I type the words "end" and my heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest, I know it's all going to be okay.One of my very favorite quotes says:

"You can haveanythingin the world that you want. You just can't haveeverything."

I think the last few years have taught us firsthand the magnitude of truth and wisdom in those simple words. While we have devoted our hearts, hands, and time to this beautiful cause that we believe in SO much, we feel propelled that it's time to give more of our hearts, hands and time back to our families, as well as other adventures that are calling us.

Please know that this decision did not come easily, nor did it come quickly. Rather, it has slowly evolved and while there is sadness, there is also an undeniable peace among us because the Project has fulfilled a remarkable purpose.From the beginning, it has stuck to its mission and it has soared. And while the Project's work has reached further than any of us ever imagined it would, I must say that I think the one person it has impacted the very most might just be me.

Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I reflect on and try to express just what Togetherness has meant in my life.Ithas given PURPOSE to the pain I could never and will never make sense of. It has given me permission to let go of the bitterness and anger that once felt all-consuming. It has allowed for a newfound hope to dwell within me. It has offered me an ability to believe in and see GOOD in the world again.

But most importantly, Togetherness has led me to some of the most extraordinary people I have ever had the privilege of meeting. Because of this work, I am completely surrounded by courageous and graceful souls, who are fighting every single day to RISE ABOVE, and I am in awe by their resiliency, their forgiveness, their compassion, their authenticity, their vulnerability, their strength, their uniqueness and their overwhelming beauty. Togetherness has changed my life in a very real way. From top to bottom, inside out. I am a better person because of it. Because of you.

In light of this significant news, we're going to do what we do best and put on oneFINAL TOGETHERNESS CONFERENCEin Midway Utah on August 27th, 2016where we'll provide an empowering, unforgettable, and exhausting (in a good way) day of great content and inspiring stories, as well as many resources available as you'll fight for recovery, healing, and hope in your lives moving forward. Whether you're new(er) to our community, or you're a Togetherness veteran, we hope you'll mark your calendars and share in this very special day with us!

sW.E.B. Dubois says,

To say Togetherness has been an experience of a lifetime would be an understatement and I know Amy, Hilary and Shay share the same sentiments.

As so many of us can attest, it is an absolute honor to be part of what many of us call "the crappiest club on earth". . .

Why?

Because my deepest trials, the most indescribable pain, my life not going as planned, all of the things I thought would destroy me, have actually led me here… to you… and as strange as it may sound to some, I'd never trade it. Never in a million years.

So, on behalf of myself and the Togetherness Team, thank you for being on this unbelievably hard, yet totally rewarding journey with us.

Thank you for believing in Togetherness as much as you have and for your love and support.

Thank you for being you . . . because YOU have made Togetherness everything it is!

Thank you for changing our lives in a very a real way.

WE LOVE YOU! Please watch our Facebook page for important announcements like: when registration opens, where the event will be held, where we'll be sleeping the night before and how to get a group rate for a hotel room, who the amazing speakers will be, a peek at the schedule and class descriptions, scholarship info, FAQ about the event, and all other details of what "ending Togetherness" means, how these changes will affect our online and local communities, and the time frame in which it will happen. We appreciate your patience.

​Do you remember the days, weeks, and even months after you discovered the full extent of your partner’s sexual addiction history? Almost all of the women I have worked with have said something like this:

When I finally realized that he had been lying to me for so long, I was totally devastated. I thought I knew him. I thought I could trust our history together. After I found out, I started uncovering his lies and the more I learned, the more I started to question everything. I suddenly wondered if I could trust anything he had ever told me.

Your fears quickly bleed into your sexual relationship. To you, sexual intimacy is emotional and vulnerable. It requires trust.. When you’re not even sure you can believe the reason he gave for coming home late from work today, you quickly recognize that sex is no longer safe for you.

In early recovery, you will wonder how you can feel safe engaging sexually with your partner. You may be afraid that he’s using you to numb out or to indulge in lust. You may worry about becoming a sexual object. On the other hand, you may feel that your partner avoids person-to-person sexuality entirely. You may feel sexually rejected and that he prefers his addiction over you. Managing a healthy sexual relationship during early recovery is difficult, but not impossible. May I share some insights to help you work toward that goal.

Before I begin, I want to note that this article is focused primarily on women whose partners are overly aggressive and objectifying, and who often use sex with their partner as a way to self-medicate and as part of the addiction. In a future article, I will address sexual avoidance in addicts, or what has been called sexual anorexia.

Defining Your Sexual Rights

Sadly, for many women it takes getting into recovery to learn this important truth: you never have to have sex. You actually have sexual rights.

Women often feel obligated to engage sexually with their partners, and when I tell these women in therapy that they have every right to say no, they all express audible relief. Some even cry. Too many married women never once were given permission by a single person to say no in their own marriages.

There are a lot of reasons this might be true. Some of you grew up with role models that taught you to say yes to keep the peace or to fulfill some expectation of how wives are “supposed” to be. Many women have also believed their addict partner’s stories about sexual “needs” or about issues of fairness around sexuality. At some point, you may have even believed that sex would prevent him from acting out in other ways.

However you came to believe that ‘no’ is not an option, let’s discuss a new approach.

Help your partner understand that your willingness to engage in sex is dependent upon his understanding of and commitment to honoring your sexual rights. Write these rights down. Share them as often as you need. Here are some ideas to help provide a starting point as you explore your rights:

I have a right to say no without feeling guilty and without having to defend myself or my choice

I have a right to have sex with a man who is sober and in recovery

I will not have sex with you when you have recently acted out

I can choose when I feel safe enough to re-engage

I have a right to not be manipulated into sexual activity. Manipulation tactics include

whining

bargaining

pouting

begging

threatening relapse

comparing “needs” (e.g. “my need to have sex is as important as your needs”)

I have a right to not be responsible for your triggers or feelings of withdrawal due to our sexual inactivity or low frequency

I have a right to feel emotionally and sexually safe in our relationship

I have a right to not participate in sexual behaviors that make me feel uncomfortable or afraid

Enforcing Sexual Boundaries

Even in recovery, addicts tend to push the limits placed on them. Your boundaries are only as good as your ability to stick to them and be strong when he tests them.

Probably the most common boundary I encourage in early recovery is this: all physical touch in the relationship is by permission only. I know this might feel a bit over the top at times (especially to addicts!) but consider this: if you’re like most women I work with in early recovery, when your partner walks into the room, you tense up. There is a good chance that if you’ve been together awhile, he has a pretty long history of touching you sexually by surprise. You feel like you have to watch your back at all times to keep yourself safe.

​Women experience immense relief when their partners commit to ask permission to touch them. I even recommend asking permission for hugs. If he’s serious about creating safety for you, there is no better way than to help you know that you are in charge of your own body and sexuality. Asking permission provides this safety.

You need to know that enforcing your boundaries requires first that you believe in your own inherent value as a person. Often, this becomes a key task in therapy during early recovery. Boundaries are best enforced by a calm, collected, and confident person who simply will not settle for anything less than being treated like a human being.

Please note that you may also need to set boundaries for yourself around sexuality. These include:

I will not use sex as a tool to get something I want from my partner

I will not withhold sex to intentionally hurt or punish him

I will not selfishly engage in sex when it may cause harm or damage our recoveries

​Changing the Meaning of Sex

In the process of becoming healthy, addicts must change what sex means to them. This is not something you can control, but if he understands that this is important to you, this can provide guidance for his goals.

As you witness him making these transitions you can feel confident that a healthy sexual relationship with him is a growing possibility.

Trusting his Motivation

How can you trust that his motivation for sexual engagement is healthy? Of course, you can’t know for sure, but these are things you can watch for as good indicators that he’s in a stable mental and emotional place:

he handles “no” well, without anger or resentment

he asks permission for physical touch and respects your body

you see visible signs of a daily commitment to recovery

he his emotionally “soft”

his focus is on all types of connection, not just sex

sex feels natural and spontaneous, rather than forced or planned

Knowing If You Are Prepared

Even if he is doing well, you may not be ready for sexual intimacy yet. Your work and healing will not always parallel his. Go slowly. It’s better to err on the side of caution here. Before engaging in sex, you will want to feel emotionally safe, vulnerable, connected, valued, and mentally and emotionally present. Above all you should feel you have a choice. If you can’t say no, then you can’t truly say yes.

May I suggest some warning signs to pay attention to. If these are true for you, give yourself permission to take more time before you engage sexually.

You have to convince yourself to engage in sex

You feel you have to engage in order to keep him from relapsing

You are engaging out of a sense of duty

You are seeking sexual release for yourself without regard for possible negative consequences

You are trying to validate your worth through sex

Abstaining as Part of Recovery

I often get asked if a sexual fast or a period of abstinence in marriage is necessary or beneficial for recovery. It depends. I don’t know if it’s necessary for everyone, but if you need a break for your own healing don’t hesitate to bring it up.

It’s not common for recovering addicts to jump at the chance to participate in a sexual fast. But his willingness to do so without resentment or defensiveness can be a sign that he is taking your healing seriously. Sexual abstinence can have one or more of these purposes:

breaking unhealthy sexual patterns in the relationship

creating safety for you in early recovery

helping jump start his sobriety if sex consistently triggers relapse

solidifying a marital separation if one becomes necessary

I’ve been asked if setting a specific time frame, like 60 or 90 days, of abstinence is recommended. I used to never recommend setting an endpoint because most addicts will simply wait it out and then expect sex to start back up again immediately after the final day of the fast. I usually recommend that the sexual fast remain in place until you feel safe again. Your sense of safety is the primary goal in most cases.

​After I presented on this topic once, I had a woman teach me something important. She said that for women who struggle to stick to a proposed sexual fast and who give in too soon, a set period of time can relieve the stress of having to respond to pressure to re-engage sexually. I agree. You will need to assess what will work best for you and your situation.

A healthy sexual relationship is the desire of most people, even in the face of addiction recovery. Not all relationships can tolerate sex during early recovery. However, I hope the recommendations in this article will help you navigate the complexities of evaluating your safety and readiness for sexual intimacy in recovery.

Questions and Tasks -

Question: What are the main issues that keep you from enforcing your sexual boundaries?

Question: What signs does your partner exhibit that indicate that he is ready for healthy sexuality? What signs does he exhibit that indicate a lack of readiness?

Question: Are there times that you engage sexually against your better judgment? What motivates you to make those decisions? How can you confront those motivators?

Task: Write a list of your sexual rights and boundaries, and share them with your partner

Task: Discuss a possible sexual fast with your partner and evaluate both of your responses together. What might your feelings or thoughts mean about your personal or couple recovery processes?

Dr. Adam M. Moore is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He is assistant director of Brigham Young University’s comprehensive clinic and clinical director of Utah Valley Counseling–an outpatient mental health clinic that primarily focuses on treating pornography and sexual addiction and the trauma that partners of addicts experience. Dr. Moore has taught at Brigham Young University, Utah Valley University, and Argosy University. He is the recipient of a research award from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is currently President-Elect of the Utah Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

PURPOSE

This space was originally created to share ideas and tools, and bring together women whose lives have been affected by a loved one's pornography addiction and/or infidelity. As well as those who support and love them. And all those who wish to become better educated about the issues of pornography and addiction in our society.

While there will be no further posts, there is a wealth of amazing information here -- most especially in the Community Lessons linked to through the picture below. Please check them out!