Issue 3709

HOUSTON–In an unsettling development for the natural world, a mockingbird was heard perfectly mimicking a car alarm Monday. "I heard this strange song coming from a mockingbird in a big spruce across the street from St. Luke's Hospital," bird watcher Bob Ausmus said. "After a minute or two, I realized it was one of those multi-sound car alarms–he did the staccato one, the slowly rising one, the buzzing one. He must have picked it up from one of the BMWs in the parking lot." Ornithologists predict that the alarm song will spread to millions of birds and be handed down for centuries to come.

HAMMOND, IN–The credibility of 26-year-old Jeff Gaskill's record collection is badly damaged by the inclusion of several albums of dubious artistic merit, friend Rob Appel reported Monday. "He's got tons of awesome stuff, everything from [X-Ray Spex's] Germ Free Adolescents to [Al Green's] Call Me," Appel said of the 750-plus CD library. "But then, smack-dab in between The Pogues' Rum, Sodomy & The Lash and Portishead's Dummy is Poison's Greatest Hits." Continued Appel: "Before I could ask him what the hell it was doing there, I spot Hell Freezes Over by The Eagles. That record alone negates the coolness of Brian Eno's Here Come The Warm Jets and The Flying Burrito Brothers' The Gilded Palace Of Sin."

NEW YORK–Dan Carswell, a 31-year-old Fidelity Investments commodities trader and unbelievable asshole, distinctly told his Aquavit server Tuesday that he did not want cilantro on his avocado salad. "I have to be downtown for a meeting in 30 minutes," the fucking cockbiter told waitress Natalie Elson while handing back the salad. "Could we please get it right this time?" The colossal shit went on to exhibit his displeasure by leaving a four percent tip.

DECATUR, GA–Monday's full-scale riot at the Georgia Women's Correctional Facility is being derided by witnesses as "contrived" and "blatantly designed to pander to prurient interests." "It's obvious that this was just a thinly veiled excuse to have women claw at each other and tear each other's shirts off," Decatur resident Charles Fenig said of the inmate uprising, during which one guard was fatally stabbed and six others held hostage for more than three hours. "I expect more from our women's prisons than this sort of cheap, exploitative 'caged heat.'" Critics also panned prison warden Barb Hofstadt, calling her "a textbook sadistic, bull-dyke warden straight out of central casting."

HEAVEN–God confirmed Monday that He has misplaced His special decision-making coin. "I have no idea where I put it," a visibly distraught God said of the coin, which He has used for more than four billion years to determine everything from the direction of breezes to genocides. "I remember flipping it last night for [Monroe, MI, couple Mark and Patti Brenton's] attempt at conception, but I haven't seen it since." God said He hopes to locate the coin before 7:15 a.m. Thursday, when United Flight 251 takes off from Seattle with actress Dixie Carter on board.

Area Man Less Capable Than Own Watch

SANTA FE, NM–According to coworkers at Spee-Dee Printers, Len Halicki, 37, is less capable in his day-to-day activities than his own wristwatch.

Halicki

"It's sad to see someone get outperformed by their watch," said Craig Denny, who works with Halicki at the Santa Fe print shop. "But there's no getting around the fact that this watch has about three times as many features as Len."

Halicki received the $200 timepiece, a Suunto Vector, as a Christmas gift from his parents. Intended primarily for outdoorsmen, the watch is described in the Suunto catalog as possessing "total performance and superior style," two qualities Halicki lacks.

"I don't think the word 'style' has anything to do with Len," Denny said. "If the inability to dress yourself in clean clothes that fit properly is a 'style,' then, yes, Len has style. That kind of style he has in spades."

Unlike Halicki, the watch has made a positive impression on his coworkers.

"[The watch] automatically synchronizes with the atomic clock so you can get the absolute correct time for setting the cash register," said John Kiel, Halicki's supervisor. "Len, unfortunately, is much less reliable. I asked him to replace the print plates on the big color press about an hour ago, and it's still not done."

Many other Spee-Dee Printers employees agreed that the watch's flawless precision stands in sharp contrast to Halicki.

"Before he got the watch, Len always came in late because he overslept," Rachel Reardon said. "With the watch's three alarms, he can't use that excuse anymore, but it still doesn't stop him from punching in 15 minutes late every day."

Other advanced features further widen the competence gap between the watch and Halicki.

"The watch's heart-rate monitor can tell you how long you've spent in your target heart-rate zone," Denny said. "I remember once, after shooting some hoops with Len, I checked my pulse on my neck. Len tried to do it, too, but he had his fingers on his jawbone. How do you go through life not knowing how to take your pulse?"

Halicki programs the watch that is significantly more complex and sophisticated than he is.

The watch also edges Halicki in the looks category.

"Unlike Len, the watch has a rugged, handsome face," cashier Mary Lupino said. "And it doesn't have a big, bushy mustache that looks like it fell out of the '70s."

Added Lupino: "The watch's face is also scratch-proof. Len found out that his definitely isn't when he drunkenly tried to kiss me at the holiday party."

Suunto president Olaf Peterssen was not surprised when told that his product proved itself superior to Halicki.

"As watch technology continues to advance, the gulf between the abilities of timepieces and their owners will only widen," said Peterssen, speaking from the company's headquarters in Finland. "A person like Len Halicki is probably better suited to a plastic Powerpuff Girls watch from a Burger King Kids' Meal."

Halicki's coworkers said they do not know if he can withstand depths of 100 feet underwater like the Suunto Vector, but that they are willing to perform extensive tests to find out.