I’m Back And I Try

The things is, even though my Instagram maybe have told you otherwise, I did not feel like myself anymore.

I was lost for such a long time. Almost two freaking years spent in limbo. Spent talking way too much about my lame ex. Too much time literally contemplating why and how had I regressed so much and unable to do anything about it. I used to be organized, multitasking, on top of my sh**, one step ahead of the game. All of a sudden I could barely get out of bed. I needed to talk to my girlfriends constantly to have a source of comfort. I started shopping online for things that I didn’t even need. I welcomed any possible distraction and felt generally just very discouraged and hopeless.

I would literally avoiding looking at anything important, avoided talking to anyone who was asking anything of me, didn’t answer emails. I let myself go. I barely pulled myself together last minute for bills and other important matters but most of the time I was late and had to pay fees. My PO box got so jammed that I got a warning that they might shut it down. My website was left forgotten. I often caught myself avoiding thoughts and getting anxiety. I would do doing everything I didn’t need to be doing except for the one thing that I needed to be doing.

So many evenings spent on the bed staring at the wall lost in my thoughts and unable to find the motivation to just get up, brush my teeth, get in bed and to go sleep. I won’t blame anyone or anything. Maybe it was my break-up. Maybe a phase in my life. Maybe it was a Saturn Return. Who knows. But it did and now I am pretty sure I can say it is over.

A new air is coming through. The Valentina I knew, a person who is much more grounded and focused is back. I can feel myself having that drive coming from deep inside my core (solar plexus, thrid chakra anyone?) and propelling me forward. I now am so much more aware that each little action has a ripple effect and informs the action that will succeed it. So I try to make my bed in the morning. I try to get my sh** in order. I try to answer messages and emails even though my answers are sub-par. My everything is still far from being executed the way I want it to to be executed. I just do it.

When I am more productive I feel better about myself and I feel less anxious. Maybe more tired, and a little more wired, but less anxious and more fulfilled. The inertia that got me stuck before is now something foreign to me. And yet, for that long period of time when I experienced it, it felt stronger than me and unbeatable. I still don’t have an explanation for it.

A lot of being productive is about just getting stuff done and not postponing till tomorrow what can be done today. I have returned to my to-do lists. I am focusing on my yoga retreats. I try to remind myself that perfect is the enemy of good and I’d rather move forward than get stuck. I try, what can I say. And that is all that matters.

Valentina,
A wise woman said….sometimes you gotta lose yourself to find yourself. You gotta get low to get high again. You can’t experience true happiness until you have been very unhappy. To be pain-free, first you have to hurt.
I dunno I made those up but I am sure someone else has said these things. What matters is it’s true.
Think of every low point as a lesson. How could you have done things differently?
Keep expressing yourself..a great way to release.
And lastly look at all the beauty in your life- you are gorgeous, healthy, talented and not stuck in some dead end job or marriage or homeless or addicted! And you are loved!!

Thank you Antoinette! You are absolutely 100% right on everything you said. I do feel and now am emerging from a long period of being stuck, And I learned so much! And yes, so important to reflect on what could have been done differently and how we could have reacted differently. And also: absolutely! I AM very lucky and try to remind myself every day. How are you?? How is everything in Marin?

Things are great n Marin. I am going to Mexico for my BD next week! So excited to swim, do yoga, read, relax and chill with my honey. Life is good but believe me I have my struggles. In relationships, some $$ stuff but honestly I know I am blessed.
Hope to see you when you are in town again. Soon?
Con Amor
Antoinette

Yes I want to come back to Marin hopefully spring of next year. 🙂
I love that you got a place in Mexico, sounds heavenly. I am glad to hear that you have your honey back ❤ And yes we all have struggles and it's a constant ebb and flow so might as well enjoy the good moments! XO Thanks Antoinette

Chica, I met you only a few months ago and no doubt- you shine! Thanks for your honesty- I relate deeply with your experience. It’s autumn- a great time to let the leaves fall, do the cleansing rituals, forget the past & get clear in the present. Hope to see you in Costa in a few months. Blessings!

Hi darling! So good to hear from you! I saw your sailing photos! How amazing. Must have been such an adventure. YES good reminder about fall! Guess I forgot even though makes sense even in CR since it’s raining season 🙂 Will you be back at ELV again??? would love to see you!