And remember, these folks are choosing to hold slumber parties at this remote location miles away from the nearest Papa John's. They are willingly putting themselves in a problematic situation to gain attention from the media, and aren't actually in need of charitable food donations like many Americans who find themselves below the poverty level.

That's why I've decided to do everything in my power not to help. I hope you can find it in your hearts to do the same.

Step 1: Find or take some photos of delicious food

Verkamier via Getty Images

Make sure you're capturing everything in high-definition to optimize the visceral reaction.

Step 2: Go to FedEx

Roberto Machado Noa via Getty Images

You know, the company from "Castaway."

Step 3: Print out color photos on glossy paper

HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo

Don't be a cheapskate by printing in black and white (unless, of course, it's a photo of Oreos).

Step 4: Put the photos into a manila envelope

HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo

Yummm ... rhymes with vanilla.

Step 5: Address manila envelope to Jon Ritzheimer

HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo

This is the address provided in the Facebook post mentioned above. Apparently in Burns, OR, the mailman knows where to find everyone by name.