Funeral Planning

Where to Start When you Don't Know How to Start: Funeral Shopping – The Basics

STEP 1: Funeral Planning Is a Family Matter

Funeral planning starts at home. Just as most families discuss weddings, home-buying, college, and other major life issues, so should they discuss funerals. Death will come to each of us, no matter how long we put off discussing it. Avoiding the topic won't stave off death, but it will make the funeral more difficult, and likely more expensive, for survivors. Families who make funeral planning a normal part of life tell us that conversation made a painful time easier to bear. Many people say they found great meaning and peace carrying out thoughtful funeral plans that honored their family members in an appropriate and affordable way.

There are as many ways to honor the dead as there are cultures, religions and budgets. Your personal philsophy or faith should guide your choices. No religion or philosophy dictates how much money should be spent on a funeral, and no belief system encourages burdensome spending. Families can choose simple arrangements, such as a cremation with no ceremony, or more elaborate ones, such as a long wake before a funeral. They can use no coffin at all, or they can choose a handcrafted oak casket. They can keep the body at home for a very private visitation, or they can hold a public viewing at a funeral home.

Whatever you choose, be sure it's based on what's meaningful to you, not on what you think "the community" expects you to do. No amount of money, great or small, can express how we feel about those who have died. Taking an active role in our family's funeral arrangements - whether that means carrying out the whole process without a funeral home, or just preparing and delivering the eulogy - is more meaningful than the money we spend.

STEP 2: What Are My Options?

One family didn't want a public viewing of the body, but they did want a place where friends and family could gather. For them, a funeral home was the most convenient choice. They chose a closed casket visitation and welcomed family and friends to the calling hours at the funeral home. They were especially pleased to find a funeral home willing to help them have food and drinks brought in for a more comfortable gathering. Afterward, they brought the casket to church for a traditional Mass.

One woman in her 90s had lived in a nursing home for many years. When she died, she had few friends left to attend a conventional funeral. Her daughters decided to cremate her body and place her ashes in a cookie jar, as a tribute to her legendary baking skills. They held a memorial service at the nursing home - complete with Mom's bake-off ribbons - where her housemates remembered her with laughter and tears.

Beth lost her 7-year-old daughter in a car accident. Because she had cared for Alison in every way a mother could, Beth couldn't bear to give her daughter's body to a funeral home. Beth dressed Alison at home, and laid her in her bed with her favorite stuffed animals. She invited Alison's friends, siblings, and schoolmates to come to the home to say goodbye to the little girl in a very private setting. Alison's friends spent time with her in her own bedroom, and talked with their parents about the mystery and pain of her death. As difficult as it was, Beth says Alison's brothers and sisters came to terms with her death in a natural, family-centered way that no commercial funeral could have provided.

STEP 3: Putting It All Together

Once you've found a funeral home you want to use, or a list of good choices, what then? Again, bring those likely to survive you in on the conversation. Tell them what you've found, share your wishes with them, and show them what a funeral home price list looks like. Share this brochure with them. If your plans go awry, or your death occurs away from home, they'll need the skills you've developed to negotiate the funeral for themselves.

Most importantly, put your plans in writing, in as much detail as necessary. FCA offers a funeral planning kit that comes with a 16-page fill-in-the-blanks booklet for your funeral plans, the locations of your important papers, your computer passwords, and more. The "Before I Go, You Should Know" planning kit also comes with state-specific advance medical directives. Basic kits are $12 each from the national FCA ($17 each for the enhanced version which includes a chapter on your state's consumer protection laws taken from the book Final Rights), but check with your local FCA group to see if they supply them. Whether you buy a planning kit, or draft your plans on your own stationery, the most important thing is to copy them and distribute them to those who will be handling your funeral arrangements.