I’m staring through a reflection at a city
that isn’t really there.That’s how this
story begins.

On the table in front of the reflection
there’s a ticket and a notebook. The notebook was a present from Cardiff – it
links directly to Death Junction, where an original page of The Judge Child Quest is still
hanging.The ticket’s a more difficult
thing to explain.It seems to be real,
but the way things are going lately that’s no guarantee.Everything smells of eagles.

Judge Minty’s story began in Eagle Comics’ fifteenth issue of Judge Dredd, way back in January
1985.Dredd had just returned from
Xanadu and Don Uggie, Umpty and Des O’Connor’s surprise Christmas were waiting
to meet him.This was the first time that
it had been possible to buy a Dredd comic in a British newsagents, which made
it a big deal.

The newsagents was dark in comparison to
the shock of colour flashing from the pages of the comic.The shop was on the same road as my infant
school and the Adam Cortez Psychic
Experience set that I first watched Hellraiser
in.Everything tasted mint green back
then.Laced with dark chocolate coatings
and crunchy ice chunks.

In thirty-five minutes time some storylines
are going to intersect but not in a big enough cross-over to justify the sort
of hype Bruce and Joe get.This story’s
totally improvised by the characters, so the importance, or otherwise, is
entirely dependent on how they react.There’s no-one watching the continuity either.

I’m fifteen minutes away from assaulting a
Judge and having my photo appear on Twitter.Steven Sterlacchini is about six years on from wanting his own Judge
helmet but Daniel Carey-George might have the very thing (he’s been
creating a veritable prop-house of custom replicas after all).Stephen Green is five years on from the
Monster Mash that he’ll meet Sterlacchini at.In 1976, Carlos Esquerra is drawing Dredd for the first time, and in
2010 he’s wearing his honorary Judge badge.

The image of an eagle really starts with
Horus, before gliding from the scalding sands of Egypt to pollinate other
ancient cultures – morphing like Simon MacCorkindale into a slightly different
shape to suit each.By Jove, the Romans
can’t get enough of it.Caesar’s crimson
face stares impassively forward as he glides through the city – the sceptred
eagle proving his divinity.

1980 opened cold.I didn’t read prog 147.By 1985 the black and white Eagle Comics ads running in 2000AD were becoming irresistible.I’d discovered Denmark Street and Warrior.Things were changing all the time.Birthday money could be swapped for a parental phone call that would be
exchanged for an impossible stretch of time until a hard-backed cardboard packet
of mini-series arrived with the bills.The six-issue Judge Child Quest is the first post I
can remember opening.

Rumours were spreading, and one day,
wandering down the endless hill of Park Street I found another vault of
dreams.Nemesis the Warlock (in colour) – all seven issues in one mylar
bag.And the first five issues of Judge Dredd (in colour) – all covered in Bolland.Every colour tasted fresh.Baxter paper was a luxury that I truly
deserved – and Mando, though the equivalent of wholemeal really, was just as
nourishing.

It’s February 2009 somewhere, and at the
Highland Expo there’s an announcement that changes everyone’s lives.Covers are recreated.Mike McMahon draws Minty again.

The school seen in the opening panels of M*****man’s Golden Age experiment, ‘Trends’ had two sets of main
stairs.One for up and the other for
escape.At the bottom of the escape set
was the school’s reprographics room and a payphone.When I’d graduated from drawing Dredd epics
in my notebooks it was a natural shambling move to the heady world of ‘self-publishing’.This basically involved an awful lot of
enthusiasm-over-ability and harassed technician's man-hours combining to produce booklets
that time would chew to bits.

I’ll tell
you the payphone story when you’re older.

Eight days after my 2009 birthday Edmund
Dehn is announced as playing Judge Minty.In November the casting of Dredd’s revealed and comic fandom does a
whiplash-inducing double-take as a result.

There’s several thousand people who were
lucky enough to be exactly the right age to be comics fans through the
Eighties, especially in the UK.The
weekly comic had always had its own secret societies stuffed to the gills with
anonymous members.Some of these
initiates have gone public over the years, revealing the secrets that were
guarded so jealousy for so long.Often
they’d wait until they’d achieved lofty positions of power, so any ridicule
could be picked off with automatic lasers or attack dogs.You know the type: that chat-show fellow who had to apologise
every time he said anything out loud; the Kate Bush backing singer; the
brothers who sound like sisters; the man who resurrected the Macra; the chap
who wrote ‘Trends’ and brought the
TARDIS to life (who also features in the, frankly gob-smacking payphone story –
simmer down, I told you: when you’re older).All of them producing a sort of fan-fiction themselves.But, in many cases, a compromised and impure
sort of fan-fiction, because it doesn’t matter how much you adore it – if you
get paid then it isn’t really love.According to the Beatles.

Ten days to Christmas 2009, and
Rotherham’s become the future.

The Nineties have just arrived, and it’s
all going a bit bleak and arty.Even
Kreator have released an album that doesn’t feature a painted cover.Music and comics are starting to interconnect
for me – it’s mostly hormonal though.

Let's go back at the top of the escape stairs now, because that’s where they
store the music rooms.We’ve got a
couple of special guests today – a pair of studio engineers from Bristle (near
Nailsea).They’ve been working with a
lovely lady called Sam Howard and they’re looking for volunteers to help with
things and stuff.I can’t remember why, but I get swept along and after helping out with a gig round the corner
from Park Street end up making my microphone-enhanced stage début.The rush takes twenty years to recede.My hair doesn’t show the same decency.

Over the next few years I keep bumping
into Sam Howard’s single in the original Spillers, just down the street from Henricks.In 2012, one of the studio engineers releases (with a chum) an album of music for an imaginary Judge Dredd film.All of the
track titles are written in the secret language we were talking about
earlier.It’s got no connection with the
3D Dredd film.Which is strange, as they say ‘thanks’ to it
in the credits.

In June 2010 a shoot is announced.It’s going to take place in London and the Cursed
Earth of North Wales.

It’s 1995, sometime around my birthday, and
I’m sat in the Park Vaults in Cardiff, scribbling nonsense in a notebook.I’ve had a soft spot for the Park Vaults
since I found it four yearsbefore while trying to fix everything that I’d broken as a result of mixing music, comics
and hormones.Computers that weren’t the
size of a car were almost commonplace, and it looked like there might be a
future there - they made sense after
all.Phil Lynott had died in 1986, so it
came as a shock to find I was having a conversation with him.Lovely bloke.Everything was flexible, you see.The boundaries weren’t confirmed and I was invincible.Four years later, still scribbling, a young
couple started up a conversation with me.I can’t remember what we talked about, but the gentleman said I reminded
him of Iain Banks.He didn’t say which
one.

Later that evening I watched Judge Dredd in the Capitol.The bit with the
comics was good.

It’s twelve days after my birthday in 2010
and the first work-in-progress trailer for Judge Minty goes live – comics
fandom breathe a collective sigh that speeds up global warming by 15.6%.Ten years earlier it would’ve taken a week to
download the trailer.And if someone
phoned you during those seven days, you’d have to start all over again.That November, in Johannesburg, a
revolutionary 3D rig is being put through its paces.

It’s now.When I finish texting my friend I’m going to go into the CCA.Everything feels sharper and clean.Everyone’s smiling and a bit polished.It’s like looking out from inside a soap
bubble.That’s the text sent.

Nine months and seven days into 2012 and I’m
wearing two pairs of glasses in a dark room full of strangers.There’s no need to worry, but I don’t know
that yet.The following month the first Judge Minty screenings are announced.It's been mentioned in the Dredd credits, but I was too busy being
relieved to notice.I’ve still got the
cinema ticket in my wallet when shaking John Wagner’s hand.

The CCA’s deceptive.Used to have a third-eye back in the
day.As soon as I’m through the door I
spot the Judges patrolling and nearly lose my nerve.I ask someone behind the counter where stuff
is – mostly to try and stop the Judge looking at me.It doesn’t work.The lady starts to show me where stuff is, as
requested, but the Judge has come over and he’s standing right next to me.She’s talking but I can’t hear anything but
blood.Grud, he’s huge.I’m aware that I’m having a moment, but what
can you do?Brazen it out?How?

“Judge Dredd always knows.”

“Judge Dredd always knows.”

This is irrational and crazy.I’m not a kid – what the hell’s going
on?He’s still there.He’s still there.What have I done wrong?

All of sudden I’m in a warehouse that seems
to be an indoor concrete beer garden.The lady’s stopped talking and -Dredd’s gone.He’s walked over to
another Judge.Jack.Wait a minute – Judge Jack?But, didn’t he-?

The lady’s stopped talking.

Say something or she’ll think you’re a
futsie.

“Ah.Thanks.Sorry.Sorry about that.I was being intimidated by Judge Dredd
there.”

The moment passes and I pluck up some guts
from somewhere and try and take a photograph of Judges Dredd and Jack without
sounding spuggy.I fail totally, get
papped, and, instantly, I’m on Twitter.The Judges don’t break character.It’s massively disconcerting – especially when I bump into Judge Jack.

“Assaulting a Judge…”

The sentence just hangs there.

All roads lead.

The costumes are magnificent.It doesn’t matter if they’re real-world
practical, like the South African ones had to be, because I’m part of a secret
society that knows all the magic words to fill the gaps.I’ve proved this by nearly losing it when
confronted with a fictional character refusing to be pretend.The last time this happened wasn’t in the
Alien War on Trocadero like you’d think, but in an end-of-pier exhibition in
fag-end Seventies Blackpool when I was confronted with a Dalek.

The showing is announced and the beer
garden starts to move up the fire-escape.I spark a nervous conversation with a fine fellow I kind of recognise through Facebook.Ten years ago that
sort of social interaction would’ve been a madman’s dream.Maybe it still is.

The seats are laid out fine, so I push
myself to a middle seat in the second row.I’ve been doing this since Hellraiser,
I don’t see why I should stop now.

It’s February 2013 and Steves Sterlacchini
and Green are being directed to their seats for the Glasgow Film Festival
screening of Judge Minty.Half of them will later admit that this is
the first time they’ve stayed when there’s an audience present.They sit in the middle of the front row.Behind them someone’s scribbling in a Beano notebook.Judges line the walls, daysticks ready.

John McShane introduces the evening.There’ll be two films. Not fan
films.Films.The first one is based on Battlestar Galactica.The second one is John Wagner’s favourite Judge
Dredd movie.Then there’ll be a Q and A
about making fan-films.

We start off with Foghorn Films’ Battlestar Galactica – By Your Command,
which does the job just fine.

And then, Judge Minty.

From the opening shot – which made me cover
my mouth – it’s right.Years and years of effort have gone into this
film – much more than just the handful since Mr Sterlacchini’s quest for a
helmet.This represents at least one lifetime.And it doesn’t compromise, because it doesn’t
need to sell itself.It only needs to be
true, because only by doing that does it justify its existence.

There’ll be talk of intellectual properties
and such later on, but that kind of misses the point.I’ll try and explain.

You can be a best-selling author, with a
fanbase that stretches around the planet – and you can write the most
heart-rending love letter to your favourite series – channelling years of ideas
and emotions and seemingly wasted hours into one glistening behemoth of a tale
– but you’ll still have to rewrite it at least three times and settle for an
Ood.

Why?

"Because these aren’t your toys.These are our toys.If you want to play with them there are
rules.We call them brands.Y’know?Popular with cattle at one point.Here’re your wages."

And there’s not one damn thing wrong with
that.2There’re so many professional fans involved
now that it’s great we’ve got a
faceless beast that cares nothing but how the product’ll play in Arkansas.It trims the fat and the indulgence and does
its best to keep the brand alive.Because if the brand dies, then the money goes away.Sometimes the planets align and the system
spews a thing that everyone loves, but it doesn’t happen often.The larger the budget, the more simplified
the language.

But...

Without a budget acting as a safety net
you can do daring things.In
many ways there’s no choice.No-one’s
going to tell you that something can’t be done because if you believed that then you wouldn’t have started in
the first place.And because you’re
speaking in a secret language you can let the audience do some of the
work.Why not hint at Otto Sump?After
all, who’s going to remember that skeleton in a swimming pool with a single
gunshot punching daylight through the skull?How about the Aggro Dome?Des
O’Connor block? If anyone gets that, they’ll think Christmas has come
early.Stick a reference like that in a
Cineplex and the critics’ll have a barney.2

Why stop there?You’ve got everything to lose, so chance it
all and trust that this is the right road to go down and throw in a continuity
shot that’s so blatantly subtle you don’t need to draw attention to it.The cover of Judge Dredd #9 maybe?Or how
about the Land Raider?Or Judge
Urban?Go crazy – they’ll love it.They felt exactly the same way you did.And if you add a character called Aquila?Well…

Even the credits to this are superb.No, I’m not telling you why.Go and see it.

The lights come up and the film-makers get up
from in front of me and walk to the stage and the microphones.The Q and A goes fine – there’s no
stumm.Or hailstones.

I corner the Steves and, in the special
language I’ve been going on about, blabber incoherently about how great they
are and how special this moment was and would you sign my ticket please and do
you mind if I talk about all the things I should have done in the Q and A but I
was just too shy and - oh are you leaving here?You are? Can I get a photo of you please?

Thanks.Thank you.

And then I’m back in the beer garden and
the blush is fading.Even though Steve
Niles is there and Mr McShane, being a true gentleman, asks me if I’m going to
come along and say ‘hello’, I decline.

Twenty-eight years is a long time to hold
your breath, even if you don’t know you’re doing it.

Sunday, 17 February 2013

An
event is such a little piece of time-and-space you can mail it through the
slotted eye of a cat.

- Diane Ackerman

or

Yet…

- Tom MacRae

So,
we popped along to the Glasgow Film Theatre, which is basically Chapter for
Glasgow3 – as I’ve mentioned before, oddly enough – where there was going to be a special showing of an
unnanounced story picked, and written, by Tom MacRae.Seeing as this event was being billed as ’50 Years of Doctor Who’ –
this all seemed a bit random.Bit still,
it would be daft for myself and the Him not to make an effort to attend.Just in case.

After
literally seconds of research, I guessed that we probably wouldn’t be watching
Mr MacRae’s Who début, The Rise of Steel1for
a couple of reasons.That only left his
second, far superior3 story, The
Girl Who Waited.

After
we’d trooped in and sat down, a lovely gentleman temporarily released from the
Battle of the Booker Judging Panel - I missed his name but agreed with his
thoughts about talent contests - confirmed the story and announced, officially,
that there’d be a Q and A1with
the writer (Mr MacRae), the director (Nick Hurran) and the actor who played
Milo inThe Macra Terror 2: Gridlock1(Travis Oliver).I felt a bit sorry for Mr Oliver, who’d
obviously been dragged along to distract tigers whilst the heavyweight hitters
escaped.This turned out to be unfair,
as he was engaging, witty and probably just as baffled as we were as to why he
was there.4Maybe
he’s the next Doctor?That would have been sneaky.

So,
we watched The Girl Who Waited and then we clapped.Then we
watched the Q and A (which had a surprising level of concentrated Classic Who
Geekery – and at least one instance of age-dodging3) and its subsequent
revelations.You’ve no doubt heard the
fantastic – and hugely well-guarded – information, that the Handbots were in
fact based on the Vervoids, but did you know that Nick Hurran’s directing the
Whoniversary Special1?Or
that it’s in 3D?

Oh,
you did?We should’ve tweeted faster
then.

Damn.Pipped again.

Anyway,
here’s what happened next…

Me:So, it looked different on
the big screen.

Him:
Yeah, it did
look good on the big screen.

Me:You could see the
grain of the TARDIS – the wood.And the
other thing that I thought was good was that the prosthetics on Amy’s face looked –
they didn’t – they looked real.

Him:What d’you mean?

Me: Well, I found that when we
watched it on the iPlayer, they looked really orange and that it all stood out
and looked-

Him:Like a teenager.

Me:‘Like a teenager’?

Him:Like a teenage girl.All orange.

Me:Ha!So, apart from the fact that I think this
should be titled, “YET…”-

Him:‘Yet?’

Me:YET…

Him:I don’t get it.

Me: Well, when Nick Hurran said
the Ponds haven’t returned-

Him:“YET…”

Me:Yeah?

Him:Yeah.But I think that was more of a joke than
anything else.

Me:I dunno.We were there for the announcement
though.We were there for something
really… official.

Me:“You were Harold
Pinter.They were Yeti.It was cushion at first sight.”

Him:Ha!

Me:So, we saw the episode on
the big screen.It was better with the
sound on, wasn’t it?

Him:Yeah.Because at the start the sound wasn’t on.

Me:It wasn’t on at all.

Him:We had the Doctor and Rory
talking about nothing.

Me:I wondered if they were
going to start it again.Then we’d have
to sit through all those warnings about not recording the thing you’ve got on
four different formats of DVD at home.

Him:
What was
that other one?Oh yeah, ‘You may be
watched with night-vision goggles throughout the show’.

Me:I know!

Him:Is that not a little bit
creepy?

Me:Did you see the guy
squatting right at the front, wearing the night-vision goggles and holding a
cattle-prod?

Him:No?

Me:There wasn’t one.That’s why.

Him:Awww.

Me:I’ll cut that bit.

Him:But how were they watching
us with night-vision goggles on?Were
they hiding up in the roof?Unscrewing
the lightbulbs up the top and just looking through?

Me:No, every single seat’s got
a camera in it.

Pause.

Him:Really?Underneath it? Well, that wouldn’t be very interesting
because if someone sat down on it-

Me:No, not underneath it.That’d be really questionable.And I think it’s against the law.

Him:Oh, that sounds like our
train’s breathing.

Me:We’re on a train.

Him:Well, we’re not, but we
were. At the time of recording this, we were on a train.But we’re not now.Probably.Unless you’re reading this in the future and we are on a train, in which case we apologise.Can you imagine if you’re just on your seat
across from us, and we’re sitting here recording this?On a train.Just so we can type it up.On a
train.

Me:Fair play, there are a lot of people staring at us.

Him:Ha!

Me:"Peachy keen."So, shall we do the big news stuff?

Him:Okay.

Me:Afterwards, there was a Q
and A-

Him:Yeah, there was a Question and Answer…

Me:Tom MacRae seemed-

Him:Or a ‘Q and A’ as all the
hip and fashionable kids are calling it nowadays.

Me:That's right, I do.

Him:You’re old, you’re not hip.

Me:I’ve got a hip.At the moment.I’ve got two actually.One for best.I just favour the other one.Anyway-

Him:
*yawn*

Me: So during this Q and A…Do you want to say it?

Him:Say what?

Me:They talked about the
episode initially, but you could sort of tell that everybody was trying to get
onto talking about the Fiftieth.

Him:Yeah.“Could you… um...read out the script for the Fiftieth?”

Me:I know, and they wouldn’t
read it out!Shocking.Probably because they haven’t had it.I think-

Him:And it’s kind of funny that
the writer who had nothing to do with the Fiftieth knows all about it.And the director doesn’t know anything about it.

Me:It was an exclusive.An announcement made by Nick Hurran-

Him:Yeah, there was an
annnouncement made about something…Probably to do with the Fiftieth.

You’ll
have to excuse the Him, gentle reader.He’s messin’ with ya.

Me:Nick Hurran said he’s
directing it.He confirmed he’s
directing it.

Him:Oh yeah, he confirmed he’s
directing it.

Me:And he also said that he’d
pushed for the 3D because he’d liked Avatar.But I wonder how true that was.

Him:No, he didn’t say he’d pushed for the 3D.

Me:Well, no, Tom MacRae said
he’d pushed for it.

Him:Ha!“Wasn’t it because of you pushing so hard
that it became 3D?”

“Oh, it might
have been.Who knows?”

Me:Ha!“Something like that.Who can tell?”It was quite interesting and they all seemed
very enthused about it.I didn’t catch
the name of the gentleman who was chairing it.

Him:The guy at the front?

Me:Yeah.He’s on the Booker panel, he was saying, and
I totally agreed with-

Just
a quick interjection here, as I’ve said all this.I just wanted to add that this was a
moderator who’d done his research and certainly knew his onions.Not to the degree of a Pixley or Hadoke
perhaps, but I, for one, was impressed.

Him:And today’s the seventeenth
of February, 2013.

Me:Yeah.So that’s kind of our exclusive.3As
exclusive as it is, which it isn’t, because by now it’ll be all over
everything.

Him:Yeah.

Me:There?

Me:So, we went to the Glasgow
Film Theatre to see it, and before that we saw the transmat balls left over
from The Sontaran Experiment, so I’d
probably better put a shot of those in.About here?

Him:No. I don’t know.A little bit ahead?

Me:Alright, I’ll put one at the
end.

Him:No, not at the end.Put them…

Me: Do you know what?The last time we were sat there – well, the
last time you had lunch there on that spot – this is weird – we’d just watched
– well.We’d gone into town because I
needed to buy some more pens, because I was doing a colour illustration.We were doing our write-up of Daleks’ Invasion Earth – 2150 AD.That’s mad.

Him: ...here.

Him:Why?

Me:That was last… Easter.

Him:‘Leaster’.

Me:‘Leaster’, yeah.Leaster Eggs – like Yeti eggs.

Him:Like a type of cheese.It’s an Easter egg made of Red
Leicester.Which – in retrospect – would
be disgusting.

Me: Do you want me to put the
‘Doctor Coo’ illustration back in?

Him:Not here.

Me:‘The second oldest
question’.Oh, and also – something that
I thought was very interesting…There
were some things that were said that were a bit speculative but we probably
should mention here.Which were…

Him:“We’re awesome.”

Me:That’s…Ha!It
sounds as though Nick Hurran’s having to research the history of Doctor Who.From what he was saying.He wouldn’t be drawn – even slightly – on
older actors.No-one got mentioned.Tom MacRae was very, very positive about
Russell T Davies and he made some really pertinent points.

Him:‘Platinum points’?

Me:Pertinent points.

Him:“Platinum points.Like gold, but better.”And they can actually be turned into gold
points by zapping the right atoms at them, but that’s really pointless because-

Me:It’s ‘pointless’, is
it?

Him:Yeah, because platinum-

Me:How can it be pointless?

Him:Because platinum points are,
you know, more valuable than gold points.It’s always good to know.

Me:Anyway, something that was
also very interesting…I don’t think the
oldest question’s going to be answered.I think they’re teasing at it, but it’s not going to be answered.We’re not going to find out what the Doctor’s
name is.

Him:We’re never going to find out what the Doctor’s name is. Because that would
just ruin the show.

Me:Yeah – which is what Tom
MacRae said too.

Him:Because Sydney Newman – why
would he have given a secret piece of paper…“In fifty years time, if this show’s still goin’…”

Me:Shall we put a link to The Pitch of Fear here?

Him:The Pitch of Fear?

Me:The last time Mark Gatiss did an origin of Doctor Who story.Shall we put it here?8This morning they were filming the Dalek Invasion of Earth section for An Adventure in Space andTime just
outside the Houses of Parliament.And of
course, that was the story that got turned into Daleks’ Invasion Earth – 2150 AD.Oh!What about the Dalek?

1. Yes, that’s what it’s called.2

2. This joke lovingly lifted
from Lawrence Miles’ About Time 3
annotations.

3. Yes. Yes it is.

4. There aren’t any tigers native to Glasgow, you see.

5. Not saying. Nope.
“Spoilers…” (etc)

6. Actually, when Neil Gaiman
released the crossword clue for his upcoming story7, I correctly guessed it’d be
The Last Cyberman. In public. Unfortunately, this was at about the same
time that the script for it got left in a taxi, so my genius got lost in the
subsequent drama.

7. And while we’re talking
about the second half of Series Seven, let’s not forget that it’s not had a new
Moffat title as of yet. This means it’s
still Season Pond1 and not Season Clara, like what you’d think.
Yet…