Health Chiefs to 'sanitize' Tour De France

In the wake of a slew of horrific pile-ups at this year's flagship cycling event, concerned Health & Safety officials confirm that next year's Tour De France will take place on static flat-bed wagons using exercise bikes. The illusion of movement will be simulated by fans sprinting by at speed, waving cowbells and throwing water bottles at the participants. The order of starters for each stage is to be allocated the next morning on a first-come, first-served basis. Shortly after this announcement, an unusually high volume of applications was received from German cyclists.

Finally, the coveted green and yellow jerseys will be replaced by high visibility tabards.