'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'

I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

Saw a rabbit go into a butcher's the other day and he says "Got any lettuces?"
"Nah mate" says the butcher, "You want the greengrocers next door".
Next day, same rabbit comes in and says "Got any lettuces?".
"Nah" says the Butcher "Told you, you want next door".
Same happens for the next week (for brevity) then the rabbit hops back in;
"Ere, got any lettuces?"
"Listen" says the butcher, "I told you, we don't have any f**king lettuces. If you come in here again and ask me for lettuce I'm gonna nail your ears to the wall, alright?".
So the next day, the rabbit returns, looks at the butcher and asks "Got any nails, mate?". Butcher looks confused and says "Nope?".
Rabbit asks "Got any lettuces?".