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Weather Vane (2004-10-21) Vol. 51 No. Feather Brain

Page 1

WEMC
Flames with
Controversy!
Bad, Bad, Bad,
See Front
Page
Bush Wins Presidential Election
In an unprecedented maneuver this November,
Fox news declared Bush
the winner of the 2004
election. After winning such
battleground states as Florida,
Ohio, and New Mexico, the
network called Bush’s victory
“uncontestable.”
Yoder, a recently hired
spokesman for the Fox network
refused to address allegations
c __c „ . that the anouncement of
Fox Spokesman wjn j,ad actually
been filmed the night before the election and
only answered suggestions of ballot rigging in
the contention for Florida by stating, “Bush won,
plain and simple. The people have spoken. They
want four more years of the same.”
Kerry Declared Election Winner
After expectations for another close race for
the presidential elections this year, Democrats
breathed a sigh of relief on the night of Nov. 2 as
CNN called the race a landslide for Kerry.
“With Florida and Ohio securely in the bag,”
said one Democratic political analyst, “we knew
we had it made.” In response to questions about
Fox’s contradicting assessment of the election,
he added, “I wouldn’t pay any attention to them.
They’ll make all sorts of ridiculous accusations
and complain that the bribes we offered CNN
make their call illigitimate or that we shouldn’t
be counting the ballots where people wrote ‘not
Bush.’ But we’re not making the mistake of four
years ago. We’re not going to roll over and let the
Supreme Court silence the voice of the people.”
Nader Takes Office in Ja n .'05
Amid intense speculation of voter fraud and the
filing of thousands of lawsuits by Democrats and
Republicans alike, independent candidate Ralph
Nader has won the presidential election.
After lawyers of George W. Bush and John
F. Kerry sued to have ballots thrown out on
technicalities, the Supreme Court decided to
rule in favor of both candidates, throwing out
all contested ballots. Neither candidate retained
enough votes to beat independent candidate
Nader, who had earned about 3.5 percent of the
original vote.
Emerging from three months in the Supreme
Court courthouse in Washington, D.C., Kerry and
Bush both seemed sleep-deprived and frustrated.
“I’m kind of confused about what just
happened,” said Bush. “My earpiece went bad,
and my advisors haven’t been able to tell me what
to think here in the last 2 1/2 hours.”
Former Kerry supporters have shifted en masse
to the Nader bandwagon, claiming victory in their
“anyone but Bush” campaign.
“In all sincerity, we got what we wanted: a non-
Bush,” one former volunteer for Kerry said. “If
we had known Nader was the best shot we had, we
would have backed him the whole time. I didn’t
even really like Kerry in the first place.”
Kerry himself was outraged at the shift, saying:
“You can’t just go changing your mind about
serious things like this. I’ve never changed my
mind in my entire life.”
Republicans foreseeing the possibility of such
an outcome have started another movement to
appeal to the worldcourt in the Hague. According
to the Hague, the main complaint voiced by
the Republican group is that the supreme court
justices, being old, got up too early in the morning
to start the hearings, eliminating any chance for
folks to have their voices be
Th e
Feather Brain
We Do Not Know How This Got Published. It Is All Lies.
T h u rsd a y , O c to b e r 21, 2004 FEATHERBRAIN.CHICKEN.EGG V o l u m e
IF ilgljUulr ec 1■ Terrorist Liberals Target WEMC
Extremist liberal missile misses station, hits observatory. Station manager
promises to bring back Democracy Now! if the Donor w ill agree.
By Zacchaeus
Wee-Little-Man
the middle-aged
heard.
(Confined on pg 168)
A missile loaded with Amish
bomblets struck the northeastern
quadrant of the EMU observatory at
about 5:05 p.m. yesterday (see Figure
1). No one was killed or hurt, although
station manager Jon Kauffman-Kennel-
Shenk-Shank-Hurst-Horst (a Muslimite
with five unsubmissive wives) said he
felt a bit taken aback.
According to Kauffman-Kennel-
Shenk-Shank-Hurst-Horst, Earl Martin
and his “Friends ofWEMC” are claiming
responsibility for the most recent act of
terrorism on the EMU campus.
A true EMU grad turned ethnic/
Mennonite/liberal/extremest, Martin is
a Bush-hating libertarian with a huge
appetite for hummus, Hamas, and fine
wine.
But Martin is only the figurehead.
The mastermind behind the ruckus is
(Continued from pg 168)
I can’t be expected to be up at 5
a.m. like these old people,” said one
Republican protestor. “Old people just
one of our very own, the
venerable terrorist-saint, Rick
Yoder.
Shirley Yodeler, director
of marketing, enrollment,
public image, and defense,
remarked in a press conference
set up just for me that she was
impressed by the apparent
“sophistication and technical
expertise of the terrorists.”
“On the one hand, I’m
proud that our own professors,
led by alumnus Martin, are
so equipped by educational
standards at EMU that they
would have the sheer technical know­how
and social awareness to be able to
pull off a genuine act of sabotoge with a
social message behind it.”
“On the other hand, I expect that
once our alumni graduate, they should
keep quiet about things they learned at
EMU, big concepts like ‘community’
don’t play by the same rules.”
Nader has had little to say since
being thrust into the presidency.
“I never thought I’d actually win,”
he said. “I was just trying to prove the
Rick Yoder, a
liberal immigrant
from the Darfur
region of the West
Bank in Lebanon,
is a terrorist.
and ‘truth.’ Ideas like that are
obviously not meant to apply
to the real world.”
Yoder could not be reached
for comment.
Martin could not be
reached for comment.
Swartzendruber also could
not be reached for comment.
However, Joe Mast,'
overseer of the observatory,
could be reached for comment.
He commented, “I wish those
terrorists could have used
more precision.”
Kauffman-Kennel-Shenk-
Shank-Hurst-Horst had a differing
opinion. I’m glad they hit the observatory
instead of the station, he said.
The Donor told the Feather Brain,
“I will resume contributions to EMU as
soon as the terrorist threat is eliminated.
Bring back Rush Limbaugh!”
point that the two major parties aren’t
addressing the big issues. This is cool,'
though, I guess. I’ve never held a
political office, but I’ll give it a shot.”

WEMC
Flames with
Controversy!
Bad, Bad, Bad,
See Front
Page
Bush Wins Presidential Election
In an unprecedented maneuver this November,
Fox news declared Bush
the winner of the 2004
election. After winning such
battleground states as Florida,
Ohio, and New Mexico, the
network called Bush’s victory
“uncontestable.”
Yoder, a recently hired
spokesman for the Fox network
refused to address allegations
c __c „ . that the anouncement of
Fox Spokesman wjn j,ad actually
been filmed the night before the election and
only answered suggestions of ballot rigging in
the contention for Florida by stating, “Bush won,
plain and simple. The people have spoken. They
want four more years of the same.”
Kerry Declared Election Winner
After expectations for another close race for
the presidential elections this year, Democrats
breathed a sigh of relief on the night of Nov. 2 as
CNN called the race a landslide for Kerry.
“With Florida and Ohio securely in the bag,”
said one Democratic political analyst, “we knew
we had it made.” In response to questions about
Fox’s contradicting assessment of the election,
he added, “I wouldn’t pay any attention to them.
They’ll make all sorts of ridiculous accusations
and complain that the bribes we offered CNN
make their call illigitimate or that we shouldn’t
be counting the ballots where people wrote ‘not
Bush.’ But we’re not making the mistake of four
years ago. We’re not going to roll over and let the
Supreme Court silence the voice of the people.”
Nader Takes Office in Ja n .'05
Amid intense speculation of voter fraud and the
filing of thousands of lawsuits by Democrats and
Republicans alike, independent candidate Ralph
Nader has won the presidential election.
After lawyers of George W. Bush and John
F. Kerry sued to have ballots thrown out on
technicalities, the Supreme Court decided to
rule in favor of both candidates, throwing out
all contested ballots. Neither candidate retained
enough votes to beat independent candidate
Nader, who had earned about 3.5 percent of the
original vote.
Emerging from three months in the Supreme
Court courthouse in Washington, D.C., Kerry and
Bush both seemed sleep-deprived and frustrated.
“I’m kind of confused about what just
happened,” said Bush. “My earpiece went bad,
and my advisors haven’t been able to tell me what
to think here in the last 2 1/2 hours.”
Former Kerry supporters have shifted en masse
to the Nader bandwagon, claiming victory in their
“anyone but Bush” campaign.
“In all sincerity, we got what we wanted: a non-
Bush,” one former volunteer for Kerry said. “If
we had known Nader was the best shot we had, we
would have backed him the whole time. I didn’t
even really like Kerry in the first place.”
Kerry himself was outraged at the shift, saying:
“You can’t just go changing your mind about
serious things like this. I’ve never changed my
mind in my entire life.”
Republicans foreseeing the possibility of such
an outcome have started another movement to
appeal to the worldcourt in the Hague. According
to the Hague, the main complaint voiced by
the Republican group is that the supreme court
justices, being old, got up too early in the morning
to start the hearings, eliminating any chance for
folks to have their voices be
Th e
Feather Brain
We Do Not Know How This Got Published. It Is All Lies.
T h u rsd a y , O c to b e r 21, 2004 FEATHERBRAIN.CHICKEN.EGG V o l u m e
IF ilgljUulr ec 1■ Terrorist Liberals Target WEMC
Extremist liberal missile misses station, hits observatory. Station manager
promises to bring back Democracy Now! if the Donor w ill agree.
By Zacchaeus
Wee-Little-Man
the middle-aged
heard.
(Confined on pg 168)
A missile loaded with Amish
bomblets struck the northeastern
quadrant of the EMU observatory at
about 5:05 p.m. yesterday (see Figure
1). No one was killed or hurt, although
station manager Jon Kauffman-Kennel-
Shenk-Shank-Hurst-Horst (a Muslimite
with five unsubmissive wives) said he
felt a bit taken aback.
According to Kauffman-Kennel-
Shenk-Shank-Hurst-Horst, Earl Martin
and his “Friends ofWEMC” are claiming
responsibility for the most recent act of
terrorism on the EMU campus.
A true EMU grad turned ethnic/
Mennonite/liberal/extremest, Martin is
a Bush-hating libertarian with a huge
appetite for hummus, Hamas, and fine
wine.
But Martin is only the figurehead.
The mastermind behind the ruckus is
(Continued from pg 168)
I can’t be expected to be up at 5
a.m. like these old people,” said one
Republican protestor. “Old people just
one of our very own, the
venerable terrorist-saint, Rick
Yoder.
Shirley Yodeler, director
of marketing, enrollment,
public image, and defense,
remarked in a press conference
set up just for me that she was
impressed by the apparent
“sophistication and technical
expertise of the terrorists.”
“On the one hand, I’m
proud that our own professors,
led by alumnus Martin, are
so equipped by educational
standards at EMU that they
would have the sheer technical know­how
and social awareness to be able to
pull off a genuine act of sabotoge with a
social message behind it.”
“On the other hand, I expect that
once our alumni graduate, they should
keep quiet about things they learned at
EMU, big concepts like ‘community’
don’t play by the same rules.”
Nader has had little to say since
being thrust into the presidency.
“I never thought I’d actually win,”
he said. “I was just trying to prove the
Rick Yoder, a
liberal immigrant
from the Darfur
region of the West
Bank in Lebanon,
is a terrorist.
and ‘truth.’ Ideas like that are
obviously not meant to apply
to the real world.”
Yoder could not be reached
for comment.
Martin could not be
reached for comment.
Swartzendruber also could
not be reached for comment.
However, Joe Mast,'
overseer of the observatory,
could be reached for comment.
He commented, “I wish those
terrorists could have used
more precision.”
Kauffman-Kennel-Shenk-
Shank-Hurst-Horst had a differing
opinion. I’m glad they hit the observatory
instead of the station, he said.
The Donor told the Feather Brain,
“I will resume contributions to EMU as
soon as the terrorist threat is eliminated.
Bring back Rush Limbaugh!”
point that the two major parties aren’t
addressing the big issues. This is cool,'
though, I guess. I’ve never held a
political office, but I’ll give it a shot.”