Looking for Something?

“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Feelin’ a little jittery tonight, Shower Captives…I assume the choice to consume a dozen Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs was unwise, but I am powerless before the Monday-after-Easter candy sales. Let’s try and get through the news before the sugar crash hits.

We’ll start with the ongoing fallout from the Mueller report. Some of it’s new, some of it I missed in a drunken stupor last week. Look, if you want timely, thorough, sober analysis, go to Jake Tapper…but I’m a helluva lot more fun.

How about the exquisite detail that for months, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III kept a resignation letter in his pocket, next to the Klan pamphlets and Jack Chick comics, whenever he’d visit the Shart House. The vision of that Dried-Up HateYokel, the first major politician to endorse the Fascist Farthuffer’s ruinous campaign, shuffling about, perpetually on edge, wondering if this moment, or the next, or the next, would be the one to finally end his reprehensible little career in shame and failure…unnnnnngh that’s sexxxxy.

Plus we learned that Shit-Smearing Cat Neglecter Julian Assange merrily enabled the harassment of Seth Rich’s family, encouraging a lunatic right-wing conspiracy theory he knew couldn’t possibly be true. It’s gettin’ tricker (and grosser) to be an Assange apologist, isn’t it? “Look, if you’re not down with a possible rapist terrorizing a grieving family in order to cover his tracks while waging information warfare on the United States in the service of a hostile foreign power, you just don’t believe in the free press…or something…I guess.”

I bet Bodacious Bob doesn’t even care about the collateral damage he’s done to the drool-drenched nutjobs of the QAnon movement, the heartless bastard! The Qnatics were SO EXCITED to finally take down the Obama/Clinton/Lucifer child pedophile ring that exists only in their minds, but all they got was a plateful of dumb ol’ reality, NO FAIR. C’mon, Bob, couldn’t you have thrown ‘em a bone, maybe something about some pizza joint somewhere with a worn-out copy of Tiger Beat, maybe from the Jonathan Taylor Thomas era, in their lobby?

Why are the tears of the maliciously misinformed so delicious? I printed out a couple of articles on the post-Mueller report QAnon meltdown, ground them up, and started sprinkling them on my food; everything tastes like a supermodel orgy in the middle of a giant vat of Ben & Jerry’s, but I’ve still lost six pounds.

Sarah Slanders has embarked on a hilarious quest to stake out some sort of credibility following the report’s “Yes sir, Mr. Mueller, I am a great big liar, please don’t send me to prison” section. As near as I can figure it, the plan is to say she was lying when she confessed to lying, so you can totally trust her. Y’know what’s INSANE?There are still people out there, millions of ’em, who believe this condescending gaslighter when she talks. Don’t you want to meet those people? And sell them magic beans?

With the Uncredible Huck on the shelf, Team Treasonweasel was forced to turn once more to Rudy Giuliani as a television surrogate. “There’s nothing wrong with taking hacked information from the Russians if you really really want to be President,” he insisted, “Just like there’s nothing wrong with fucking your cousin if you really really want to fuck her!”

…it’s a testament to just how counterproductive Stephen Miller’s snarling, unconcealable* hatred for all life is, that they’re reduced to trotting Rudy out there again.

Talking Brylcreem Tube Willard Mitt Romney responded to the report’s mountain of damning evidence by saying both “tsk” and “tsk,” in an uncharacteristic explosion of emotion that very nearly bordered on patriotism and respect for the rule of law, before asking President Crotchrot to please send him another slate of unqualified hack judges to confirm to lifetime appointments.

Y’know, Mittens is fantastically wealthy, and, as a U.S. Senator, legit one of the most powerful people in the country, if not the world. And I wouldn’t change places with him for anything. Because me? I can stand the sight of myself in the mirror.

Far and away the best stuff Mueller gave us is story after story of Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, perched, kinglike at the Resolute desk, issuing orders like the mighty commander of men he so desperately imagines himself to be, only to have his subordinates treat him like a doddering old nitwit, a declining grandparent to be gently smiled at and placated, but ignored the moment you’re out the door. “Go forth, and make my will reality,” sayeth the Shart; “Nah,” respondeth the underling.

God, it’s Hairplug Himmler’s worst nightmare! The inescapable truth of his weakness, paraded for the whole world to see! Confronted by a reporter, he spat “nobody disobeys my orders,” but he couldn’t hide the fear in his eyes. For the Neanderthal Narcissist, this is worse than impeachment.

Speaking of impeachment…golly, that’s the hot topic, isn’t it? The new dance craze sweeping the nation? To impeach, or not to impeach…that is the question! Elizabeth Warren is certainly on the impeachment train, between rolling out major policy proposals left n’ right. Others council caution, arguing for more public hearings for now, maybe a little impeachment for dessert if you finish your peas. Me? I haven’t made my mind up yet, which is fine, because I’m just a drunk in a mask and a bathrobe. Seriously, why are you even reading this shit?

MOVING ON…

So, Duncan Hunter, poster boy for the House-GOP-Caucus-to-Prison Pipeline, apparently dissatisfied with the rate at which life is stomping all over Duncan Hunter’s nutsack, decided to take matters into his own hands, staging a little fear-mongering stunt designed to demonstrate how allegedly easy it is to cross the southern border. Trouble is, our boy, indicted as he is, is not allowed to leave the country, as his once-and-future Democratic opponent, Ammar Campa-Najjar, was all too happy to point out, leaving Duncan little choice but to confess his silly show took place NEAR the border, rather than ON it. (Pause for laughter)

Hunter won’t be in Congress long, but if there’s an opening on Mount Olympus for a God of Self-Owning, I think he’s got a bright future once his jail term ends.

Hey look, a couple of choice specimens decided to model their fashionable MAGA-hat-and-Nazi-armband combo outside the Rhode Island Holocaust Memorial! The duo briefly expressed their “economic anxiety” before being chased away by a decent human being. Hey, how much do you love seeing the American President’s campaign gear co-accessorizing with a goddamn swastika?

Speaking of the Very Fine Folk, looks like we’ve got ourselves a lil’ border militia, helpfully tending to the garden of American greatness by pointing rifles at migrant children! Now, I don’t want to perpetuate stereotypes here…I’ll leave that to this New York Times article, which contains phrases like “trailer park,” “common-law wife,” and “training to assassinate George Soros, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama because of these individuals’ support of Antifa.” Anyway, the genius leader of this band of boneheads got himself arrested because he posted videos of his recreational terrorism on social media, even though he’s not legally allowed to own firearms owing to previous felony convictions, and now he has been arrested, THANK GOD. Let’s throw away the key this time, huh?

And Herman Cain withdrew from consideration for the Federal Reserve Board, a rare example of stopping one of the Candycorn Skidmark’s unqualified nominees before they get to fuck shit up.Congrats, Herman, you returned to the public sphere just long enough to remind the world of your ethical and intellectual failings, and now you slink away with absolutely nothing to show for it. Another trademark humiliating defeat from the Shart of the Deal.

Stephen Moore’s nomination is still on track, however, despite seemingly hourly new revelations of his lifelong shittiness. Today, we unearthed some of Moore’s old writings, that read like they’ve been copied straight off an incel 4chan board. Folks, these are some genuinely pathetic tantrums, documenting his inability to emotionally process the mere presence of women in and around basketball games, and his desperate need for a safe space where he’s free to be the 11-year-old boy he’s always been, developmentally. Sounds like a Trump Republican, alright.

And the Velveeta Vulgarian decided to sue House Oversight Committee Chairman Elijah Cummings, on the novel legal theory that if he stamps his feet hard enough, Congress’ constitutional oversight power will magically disappear. Is losing in court addictive, or something? Maybe his staff needs to lock him in the residence for a Trainspotting-style detox, though that would likely involve hallucinating a baby with Jay Sekulow’s face, crawling all over the ceiling while its head spins around.

Democrats responded with the House Judiciary Committee shooting a subpoena over to Don McGahn, inviting him to stop by for some tea and crustless, triangle-shaped, sandwiches, to repeat some of that obstruction of justice evidence he’d given to the Mueller investigation not so very long ago. See, what Donnie Dotord doesn’t get is, now we do the entire investigation over again, just in public. When we’re done with that, we’ll do it as a goddamn musical.

And Fat Q*Bert delivered a droning, dishonest, rant about the “depleted military” or some shit…to a group of children, at the White House Easter Egg Roll, and even if there isn’t sufficient evidence of obstruction of justice in the Mueller report**, surely we can impeach the turd for being TOO MOTHERFUCKING INCOMPETENT TO PULL OFF A MOTHERFUCKING EASTER EGG ROLL. I’m proposing a constitutional amendment that states if you can’t manage an hourlong party for children, you can’t be President.

That’s all I got, friends…kinda light today. I’m going to spend the rest of this beautiful Earth Day out on my back porch, partaking of my personal favorite examples of nature’s bounty…hops and barley. And I promise I’ll recycle the bottles afterwards.

*”Unconcealable,” according to my digital dictionary, may not be an actual word. I don’t give a fuck. You don’t like it, get your own fuckin’ blog.

Looking for Something?

“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

OMG, you make me laugh when I read your blog. Your commentary and creative use of words to describe the pond scum running the country is well, so-o-o creative. I know this takes time but if you wrote a blog to summarize what new shit happens every day, then I wouldn’t have to read all those others and maybe I could get more done around my house. Keep up the good commenting!!

“kinda light today”, you say Sir, it was a pip! It was the first time I have laughed since your last missive….tallyho and pip, pip. I drank champagne throughout the day as I read the report and ended up with a nose full of the stuff at certain parts. But the best was watching the faux president, trying ever so hard to tell the truth according to himself.
Then I tried the petite scones and crustless sandwiches, they were delightful. And I concluded that a very many people did not follow his confounded “orders”. And that he is the smallest, most uncouth, and downright awful person, with delusions of grandeur.
Break out the edibles!
And will someone get those kids out of cages!!!!

Hey Shower Cap, my man, can you please do me a favor? I know you don’t have a lot of time, or the chronicling of this douchebag *resident has got you making so many trips to the beer store, but I’d JUST LOVE a list of all your wonderful, beautifully nasty nicknames for Trump, to show my mother and use when discussing politics with my brother (who REALLY hates Trump and the Republicans who he’s been following for 30 years.)

What do you have, like, 20 of them?

KEEP UP GREAT WORK, More beer money on the way soon….!!!! Big Big Fan….

I’m an anthropologist, so it’s my job to understand, not judge. But these red hats are really making my job difficult. I mean, I don’t want to think of over a third of our country as drooling idiots filled with hate and rage for all things reasonable, but I’m wondering what other conclusion makes sense. We’re all getting lied at so often media analysts have invented the term “firehosing” to describe the sheer volume of total bullshit issuing from Trump and his toadies. Do these people have no dignity? If they had a husband who came home every night smelling like cheap perfume and said, “another long night at the office honey”, would they believe him? Or perhaps they know he’s a liar but love him anyway because he hates brown people. What the fuck?

That’s some more A-1 deconstruction and destruction of the outrageous, ongoing goings-on right there. Just the soon-to-be Vintage Stuff we’ve grown to know and love, and…yes, expect. Unfair to put expectations on someone, but there you have it.