Ban these party poopers and reclaim the British B-road

Enough is enough. It’s time to reclaim the British B-road and take back what is rightfully ours. For years, we have been forced to endure the misery of being stuck behind The Dawdler and the terror unleashed by the Car Booters, Doggies and Tippers.

But now we must take a stand. No more misery, no more dawdling. Ladies and gentleman of the Parish of PetrolBlog, it’s time to take drastic measures. No half measures will do – there’s nothing else for it. PetrolBlog is proposing a B-road ban for the worst offenders.

If Transport for London can ban our beloved cars from entering the nation’s capital, then we must use our powers to ban those drivers who are ill-equipped to take advantage of the joys associated with driving on a British B-road. Our levels of power may be on a par with a wheezing two-stroke engine and we may boast a featherlight body, but where we come from, being a lightweight is something to be proud of. Here’s to Colin Chapman.

It should be socially unacceptable to sit at a constant 43mph, oblivious to whether you’re driving on a derestricted rural road or through a village 20mph zone. No longer we will be forced to look on helplessly as a dawdler pulls out in front of us and then continues to indicate right for the next three miles. Before turning left.

Our B-roads deserve protected status. Like an ancient monument or rare artefact, the B-road should be preserved for future generations. And the process starts with banning these ten B-road nightmares. Join the revolution today.

Honda Jazz

The archetypal B-road party pooper. The Honda Jazz was designed from the ground-up to bring misery to millions of B-road motorists. The suspension was tweaked to allow its drivers to remain comfortable, even when straddling the centre white line and cat’s eyes. Some Honda Jazz models could even be ordered with the right-hand indicator permanently flashing.

Yes, the Honda Jazz is one of the world’s most reliable cars. But that’s only because it never leaves second gear and is never, ever forced to break sweat.

Toyota Yaris

Apparently, the Yaris name stems from a combination of the Greek Goddess – Charis – the symbol of beauty and elegance, the city of Paris – a cultural epicentre, along with the German exclamation of agreement, “Ya”.

Bunkum.

The Yaris name actually stems from an ancient British word meaning “I’m going to stick at a constant 43mph and ruin your day”.

Toyota Yaris Verso

Amazingly, the Toyota Yaris Verso was also called the Toyota Fun Cargo. Which must be Toyota’s idea of a joke, because all this thing is capable of is spoiling the enjoyment of anyone who happens to be stuck behind it.

Nissan Note

The Nissan Note has always led the way in terms of innovate technology, with features such as the self-cleaning rear view camera “making premium technology features accessible to the B-segment”. Whilst simultaneously bringing misery into the lives of anyone using a B-road.

And now things are about to get worse, as the Nissan Note is to become a self-cleaning car. Heaven help us. With owners spending less time washing, they’ll inevitably spend more time crawling along the British B-road. With the rear fog light burning a hole in your retina.

Volkswagen Golf Plus

The Volkswagen Golf Plus is a Golf for drivers who require a little more hat room.

It also features a rear parcel shelf pre-drilled for the insertion of a box of tissues. Do yourself a favour, buy a Golf estate instead.

Mazda 2

Visit any supermarket car park and you’ll see a second generation Mazda 2 parked straddling two spaces. It’s an approach Mazda 2 drivers take on a B-road, with most cars seen straddling the centre white line.

In Japan, three trim levels were offered. The Casual – for young families. The Sport – for young men. And the Cozy – for young women. No, really. In Britain, we only got one level of trim – the Mazda 2 Numb.

Subaru Justy

The Subaru Justy has a complex family tree, including the Daihatsu Boon, the Daihatsu Sirion, the Perodua Myvi and the Toyota Passo.

It’s the antithesis of the Subaru Impreza WRX, being designed to bring mundanity and boredom to B-roads, and not excitement.

Ford Fusion

A year after Ford had killed off the brilliant Puma, it went and did this. It’s the Ford Fusion, so-called because it fused pointlessness with tedium.

It must be banned from our B-roads.

Mitsubishi Mirage

We don’t know what’s more amazing. The fact that a firm has the guts to produce a car that feels so woefully inadequate. Or the fact that people are prepared to spend good money on it, despite the sector being in the midst of a proper purple patch.

We only wish the Mirage was a literal description. Then we wouldn’t have to see the Mitsubishi blotting our B-roads.

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The chief waffler and founder of PetrolBlog in 2010. Has a rather unhealthy obsession with cars from the 80s and 90s, and is on a one-man mission to collect the cars nobody else wants. Also likes tea and Hobnobs.

7 comments

April 28, 2014

Luke McCormack

Nissan Micra is also one of them cars as well. Then you have the van-with-window MPVs like the Citroen Berlingo and Renault Kangoo. There’s also compact MPVs like the Vauxhall Meriva and Renault Modus – in similar vein to the Honda Jazz and Ford Fusion.

Ant

The ironic thing about the vans-with-windows is that their counterparts in France are some of the fastest vehicles on the road. I’m almost certain I remember a boulanger in a Berlingo overtaking me at full chat on Route Napoleon on the Fiesta ST launch.

Gavin Braithwaite-Smith

rotation

Richard B

I encountered an example of this ON STEROIDS yesterday, and on a busy NSL A-road, too. Two middle-aged women in the front, piled to the roof with holiday gear (I think) in the back. They were doing between 38 and 42 mph at the head of a long queue, with heavy oncoming traffic. Few opportunities to overtake, and I saw some risky manoeuvres from people desperate to get past. What is more, the driver braked for every bend, and for every oncoming lorry. And reduced her speed to exactly speed limit minus ten when we went through villages with 30 and 40 limits. And I was on my way to pick my wife up from hospital. I used up a lot of zen calm on that trip. The car? A Suzuki Wagon-R in diarrhoea green.

Gavin Braithwaite-Smith

The funny thing is, the Suzuki Wagon-R nearly made the shortlist. Are you talking about the first generation model, or the version sharing a platform with the Agila? Not that it really matters, I guess. Although the first generation has a whiff of PetrolBloggyness about it.

Your point reference the braking for oncoming lorries? What’s that all about? Happens a lot. The same people also seem to brake when you overtake them. It’s like they go into a mild state of panic.