Penn Satire, Since 1899

Things you do the First Week of School that Won’t Last

Every school year starts the same way – a new room, new classes, and a new feeling of false optimism. You’ll start the year off right with a healthy diet, a full night’s sleep every night, and plenty of exercise. But after a few weeks, you’ll slowly start to slip back into a familiar routine of late-night coffee, a party size bag of jalapeño and cheddar Doritos for dinner, and the motivation of a sloth when it comes to working out. Here are all the things you’ll do the first week of school that will be ancient history by reading days.

Going to the gym: Don’t even try to convince me that you’ll keep up your pre-class gym routine once the semester gets into full swing. Let’s play a game to help me prove my point – it’s called “Would You Rather.” I’m sure many of you played this freshman year of high school while huddled around a bottle of vodka that Brad stole from his parents, so I won’t explain the rules. Let’s just get started: staying out late drinking or waking up to go to the gym? Eating a bacon egg and cheese from Bui’s or going to the gym? Literally doing anything to avoid going to the gym or going to the gym? I rest my case.

Doing homework in advance: This one kind of creeps up on you. At first, it will seem like you’ve got it all under control. You’ll be completing assignments days in advance and still have time to go out few nights every week. After a few weeks, things will start to pick up. You’ll find that doing your assignments doesn’t necessarily fit in with your rigorous drinking schedule. Between keeping your position at the top of your beer pong league and finding time to maintain a high average score at Blarney quizzo, psychology and math will fall by the wayside. Before you know it, it’ll be 4:00am and you’ll be Viking chugging a 3rd can of Monster and trying to keep your hands from shaking too much to complete your linear algebra problem set. Note: if your hands are quivering enough to make your “1” look like a “5,” that’s a surefire sign that you need the hospital.

Eating at dining halls: So, you decided to buy a meal plan. Wrong move. The odds that you’ll continue eating with Penn dining are about as good as avoiding indigestion on beef stroganoff day. Here’s how it’s going to happen: One day, you’re going to be eating at Hill with some friends, and you’ll spy something the dining staff calls “chicken enchiladas,” except the cheddar cheese looks like bleu cheese, the tortilla tastes like marinated cardboard, and the chicken has the texture of mashed potatoes. But, for some reason, like the fate that drove Bilbo Baggins to the One Ring, you’ll eat the enchiladas, washing them down with a nice tall glass of questionably smelling milk. After lunch, you’ll trek to DRL and sit down for your psych recitation. About 5 minutes in, it’ll hit you. All of a sudden, it’ll feel like your stomach is trying to exit through your intestines, and you’ll dash through the door trying to find the nearest bathroom. I wish I could tell you this story has a happy ending, but we all know how hard it is to find anything in DRL, let alone a bathroom.