Brain on Butch IV

by rheeb

I sat in the Target parking lot debating whether or not to go to Food Lion to get a bag of oranges. Safeway was right next to where I was, but I just had to see if Butch Pam was at work tonight. So, like any sane, mature adult, I did “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo” to figure out which one I should go to. Thankfully, “Mo” was Food Lion, so I went about ten miles out of the way to “get oranges” and see if she was there tonight. Now, just to catch you guys up, since my last posting about her, I have been to Food Lion three separate times, and she wasn’t there during any of my visits. I was starting to think she no longer worked there, which, of course, made me sigh in sadness, but I just had to find out for sure. I was almost to the point where I was going to ask one of the people who work there if she was still employed, but how much of a stalker can you be?

So, I drove down 210, and made the turn into the parking lot. Walking in, I was praying that I’d see her, and ahhh she was there! I burst into smiles but made sure to stay composed. Oh my goodness, she was back! I headed to produce to grab oranges so that I could swiftly get into her line. Since it was late, there were just a few people in the store and her line. Once I got in it, I prayed for no one to get behind me. If I had it my way, I would have literally got rid of everyone in the building. I was tense. I needed to say something to her. It was an actual, legitimate need. A few weeks ago, after talking to Chocolate Baby about this, she said, “Oh Rheeb, just go up to her and say, ‘You have very pretty eyes’.” And I vowed to myself that I would say that the next time I saw her. Remembering this, I stood in the line, looking behind me over and over again, finding myself almost about to pass out as I screamed inside, “I can’t say it! I can’t say it!” During this breakdown, there was a family in front of me with a seemingly an endless cart of groceries. I mean, good Lord, one thing after the other over and over again. And the little boy was talking a lot. By the time they got to the end, I’m pretty certain that he was screaming, “I want an ass sandwich! I want an ass sandwich!” which made me almost die of internal laughter. I’m sure Butch Pam glanced over at me, thinking I was crazy for staring so hard at the ground with an obvious smirk on my face.

As they kept ringing things up, I would take moments to stare at Butch Pam without making it obvious. I then noticed that her ears aren’t pierced, which is a rarity. She’s also right handed, and some of her nails were long while others were short. The wife then started to swipe her card, and Butch Pam began to ring up my oranges! Wait for her to leave, Butch Pam! She looked the same today–amazingly yummy. Her bra was still useless. She was in uniform, of course. And there was something…brighter about her. She looked like she’d gotten a tan…like she was on a boat or something. Her fucking face, I swear, I love it. She gave me my total, and I started flipping through dollar bills. As I handed it to her, I said, “It’s been like, the best day.” I continued, because clearly, I wasn’t making much sense, “I mean, just absolutely beautiful.” And she looked at me and said, “Yes, yes, a very nice day.” I then said, grasping to make the moment last longer, “Yes, and it’s just…so rare, you know?” And she said, “Yes, to just be able to breathe and get to enjoy it.” She then handed me my change, and my hand grazed hers. She was sooo warm. God, I love that. And that was it. It was over. What the fuck? Why couldn’t I just say she had pretty eyes?

What do I do next? I almost think I need to make my gayness very apparent? Maybe she would notice me more? Rainbow wear? Maybe a shirt that says, “I think you’re cute, so flirt with me?” I just know that, in my everyday life, like, my actual life–not my computer life–it is extremely rare for me to see anyone that I’m genuinely attracted to. And as I’ve stated before, I like older women, which is why after finally going to the lesbian bar in the area, I was so disappointed, because everyone in there was so young, and I was so not attracted to anyone. I like older women who are mysterious and seem very settled. I like women who are settled. And I hate that I like older women, because, of course, I want to be able to grow old with whoever I end up with. Not saying that can’t be done. I don’t know. But for me, it’s rare to see anyone in my life that I have a physical attraction to, so I don’t want to just…let this die off, no matter how seemingly uneventful it’s been. The only thing is, I want extended time with her. I want to get to know who she is. Thing is, after touching her hand, my mind decided to wander, and I saw us together, cuddling just like we did the last time on the boat. And she was very warm, and I was touching her all over. And I made her cry. Of happiness. And it was amazing. Sighhh… What do I do?