5 Reasons Taylor Lautner Will Beat Brad Pitt at the Box Office

I'm sorry, Brad Pitt. We had a good run, right? I've been in your corner since Thelma & Louise, but there's a new kid on the block, and his name is Taylor Lautner. And just like your movie Moneyball, his new movie, Abduction, opens today. And well, I'm sorry to have to put it to you this way, but ...

The King is dead! Long live the King!

Yes, it's true, Taylor Lautner is going to kick some serious butt at the box office this weekend. I ain't mad at cha, Brad, it's just a fact. Here are 5 reasons why Taylor Lautner's new flick will beat Brad Pitt's ...

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Taylor Lautner looks way better than Brad Pitt with his shirt off. Look, there's no arguing this one. Not only is Taylor a couple of decades younger than Brad, his abs are the stuff of legend. Hey, the truth hurts.

Taylor Lautner is a ninja. Okay, maybe not technically a ninja, but he is seriously skilled at mixed martial arts fighting. (I learned that from his appearance on Letterman the other night. Who says TV isn't educational?) The Twilight hunk could totally take Brad out.

Taylor Lautner is a free man. Brad, your kids are adorable. And I like kids -- heck, I even have a couple -- but for your female audience members, the pitter-patter of 800 theoretical little feet might sort of interfere with the fantasizing process.

Taylor Lautner performs some of his own stunts in his movie, which will feature a lot of chasing after/running away from bad guys. Brad Pitt? Well, he does his own stunts ... if you count sitting on a bench and staring thoughtfully at a baseball field a stunt.

Taylor Lautner fans still go to the movies. Tweens and teens are the ones who actually go to movies in theaters nowadays; they're the only ones with enough free time and disposable income to justify paying $200 for an evening of Twizzlers and cinema. More mature audiences, meanwhile, are just as likely to yawn, reach for a bathrobe, and figure Moneyball will be streaming on Netflix soon enough.