Matt Russell, the Broncos director of player personnel, was charged with DUI after hitting two cars on Saturday night. A day after he apologized for it, the news has come out that Tom Heckert, the recently hired Broncos director of pro personnel, was arrested on June 11, also for a DUI. Heckert was fired as the Browns GM at the end of last season and joined the Broncos in May.

What once was not suspected is now abundantly clear: John Elway has put together an all-star team of drunks in his front office. The way it all the drunkenness gelled at once is truly one of the most special things in all of sport. We’re gonna need a 30 for 30 on this. For this point forward, it will always be part of the Denver Bronco Way to be tanked at all times. Signing Wes Welker while shit-faced? Why the hell not? Ignoring the fax from Elvis Dumervil while doing keg stands? From where I come from, they just call that living, son. And to think: it isn’t even these people who drafted Tim Tebow in the first round.

Anyway, when can we expect the acquisition of Josh Brent and Donte Stallworth?

There was a big scandal a few years back because the PO-leece (not sure if Denver or a suburb) drove an allegedly intoxicated Brandon Marshall home rather than arresting him for a DUI. Maybe they just didn’t want to deal with all the crazy.

“We regret to inform the Broncos’ fans that John Elway has been relieved of his position of Executive Vice President of Football Operations. His behavior and actions do not reflect the standards and values we expect from members of our organization. It’s always painful to see such a cherished member of our organization’s history leave us.

We have, however, identified his replacement. He may not be a Super Bowl winning quarterback, but he is a true lover of the game, and a true American legend. Ladies and gentlemen, I present, the Piano Man himself, Billy Joel!”