Scott DesJarlais, the pro family values anti-abortion rights Tennessee Tea Party Congressman who it turns out was actually only pro-family values and anti-abortion rights for people who aren't Scott DesJarlais, now claims that the tape transcript released last week wherein he pressured his mistress/ex patient to have an abortion isn't really that damning, since the mistress wasn't pregnant in the first place. Values intact! Hypocrisy avoided!

DesJarlais, who is running for reelection, told a news outlet that the real villain in this whole situation isn't him, the bullying dickmobile who cheated on his wife with one of his patients and then pressured that patient to have an abortion when she told him that she was pregnant AND then was all, sorry baby, I can't go with you to the abortion, you know how busy stuff gets. No, the villain here was his mistress, who must have forced DesJarlais to cheat on his wife and disgrace his profession, and then totally lied about being pregnant in the first place. So, you see, an abortion never even occurred! Scott DesJarlais is totally not among the most despicable human beings in Congress, after all. As he explained, in a way that fully exonerated him,

I don't mind telling people that there was no pregnancy, and no abortion. But I also don't mind telling people that this was a protracted two-year divorce back in 1999 and 2000. There was some difficult times, for sure.

The worst thing about women is how they're always forcing innocent, strong, superior men to do bad things.

DesJarlais is still a licensed physician in Tennessee, but according to the Chatanooga Times Free Press, since 2005, a handful of doctors in the state have been disciplined for having sexual affairs with patients. Though he has no history of medical complaints, there's no statute of limitations for patients who wish to file ethics complaints against their doctors, and the evidence against DesJarlais is pretty damning, should his ex-mistress choose to come forward.

A doctor? A congressman? Single and looking? Totally free of a personal history of philandering, bullying, and hypocrisy? Scott DesJarlais for the next Bachelor!