dear santa, I made you cookies

23 December 2014

Dear Santa,

I’ve been exceptionally good this year. I’ve even learned to search the house for the softest rug upon which to throw tantrums because I’d like to make it as convenient as possible for everyone, myself included. And what I lack in well-behavedness I make up for in cuteness so I see no reasons whatsoever as to why I shouldn’t receive everything on my list this year. I was slighly disappointed last year when I didn’t get a reindeer and a waitress of my very own, but I did get to visit both so I’ll let it slide.

This year, I respectfully request the following:

For Mama and Dad to actually eat what I’m sharing with them. I know they’re just pretending to eat what I’m thoughtfully trying to feed them and, frankly, it hurts my feelings. I’ve even gone to all of the trouble to pre-chew peanut butter sandwiches and they only pretend. I’d like to see some commitment.

I’d appreciate an endless supply of cookies and hot apple cider. I so love both things but Mama rations them out like its butter in 1942. That is unsatisfactory and I’d prefer to eat only cookies and drink only apple cider for the rest of my life. Occasionally, I’ll take some cheese-its if Mama insists I need vegetables.

Just for one day, I’d like for things to stay where I put them. Mama and Dad are relentless about “cleaning up” after me and it’s exasperating. I’ve tried to explain multiple times that there are specific reasons for the location of each item (i.e., I’ve carefully stashed snacks in all rooms of the house on purpose; Mama’s boots are the perfect marker storage container and Dad’s are the best for holding the caps to the markers.)

To stop having to throw fits. No one likes this and I’m getting so tired of having to find a soft rug every time I want to make a point. If you could just bring Mama and Dad some brains and understanding so that I wouldn’t have to resort to such measures, I’d greatly appreciate it.

To kick the back of the seat in front of me to my heart’s content. I never get to do this and it’s just so very tempting. I would love to just see what it’s like. Or maybe you could just put some extra space between seats in the car and on planes so that it wouldn’t be such an issue.

The alphabet. I have read several books on the topic but just can’t seem to get it down. If you could just save us all the trouble and add it to my stocking, that’d be great.

I would also like a giraffe. Mostly because I’d like to figure out what on earth a giraffe says. I’ve gotten down pretty much all of the other animals but a giraffe is quite a puzzle. Please just shove one down the chimney. He can live in my playroom. I’m certain Mama won’t even notice.

And speaking of animals, feel free to leave a reindeer or two behind as well. I’d love a little chat with them. Mama says they say “Jingle Bells” but I know that’s a crock of beans. She also tried to tell me that giraffes say “Mama”. That lady, I’m tellin ya, Santa.

A giant stack of DVDs. Just for breaking. I’m not allowed to break the ones we currently own and it’s frustrating to me.

More shoes. I’m not really very particular but everyone probably needs at least 100 pair. I try my best to pick out shoes every day for all of us, but I’m working with a limited supply here and a guy can only do so much. Especially when Mama keeps saying things like “I don’t wear stilettos to feed the dogs” and “Saurus, you can’t wear shoes to bed” and “You don’t wear socks with sandals”

To live at the park. I routinely have to leave to go to that place where Mama and Dad live and there are rules and such. I’d much prefer to just never leave the park.

An expensive pair of glasses. Preferably ones that are meant to be worn either right-side-up or upside-down. I’m a busy man and can’t be bothered to take the time to figure out which way is up. And I need them to be very fragile and expensive. Mama has an excellent pair if you need a reference.

Actually, anything really fragile and breakable would be fantastic. Mama seems to have quite a bit of that and I’m not allowed to touch any of it after I broke that horse’s head off. It was a complete accident, I promise. So was the crystal elephant. But I would love some really breakable things of my own to carry around. Swarovski horse figurines are preferred.

Thank you, Santa. I know you won’t let me down.

I made you some cookies, too, and only licked half of them and used all of the cow sprinkles. You’re welcome.