Wednesday, March 11, 2015

#NotYourShoulder

Imagine working for a small firm and having the boss/owner tell you all of his fears for the business. If you are relying on that job to support your family this could very quickly become unsettling. The same is true if your surgeon, dentist, or airline pilot doesn’t communicate confidence and a command of the situation.

Your wife (and even your girlfriend) wants you to be her rock, especially if her own emotions are storming over her. This is a profound gift a husband can give his wife, and should not be seen as something negative. A wife also relies on her husband for protection and financial support of the family. For these reasons there is a limit as to what kinds of things and more importantly how, how much, and how often you talk about these things with your wife. This isn’t because there is something wrong with women, it is due to the difference between men and women, and more importantly the nature of the roles of husband and wife.

However, this doesn’t mean you should shut her out when something is troubling you, it just means there is a balance. Especially after you are married for a number of years, your wife will know when something is troubling you. If you pretend that nothing is bothering you, or refuse to discuss it at all, this could be even more unsettling to her.

Hiding your concerns is probably not a good idea, since she'll always pick up on your feelings and will likely imagine them to be worse than they are. But don't look to her for emotional support and a shoulder to cry on. She's looking at you to demonstrate that you are worthy of her reliance upon you. So be honest about the situation, but don't look to share your feelings or unburden yourself.

23 comments:

But women act like men should be their therapist. I felt like a punching bag with my first wife. She dumped all her concerns and complaints on me and it affected me profoundly. I felt like a emotional cripple. I couldn't understand her, yet I'm supposed to be her confidant despite the fact that she did the same thing to her friends so everyone know everything about her.

It is correct that women don't care about the concerns of her husband. She might ask, but she checks out after 5 minutes. A husband shouldn't hide his emotions. Just give enough detail to satiate her. She will walk away after it becomes too much for her.

The only woman who cares is your mother. Maybe your older sister. And even they might not really care. Ive heard many mothers talk shit about their own children or belittle their feelings. Its strange to hear a mother admonish her daughter for behaving the way she taught her to behave.

Not only do women act like men should provide them with therapy (without being too judgmental or opinionated or offering solutions), but they will also use their children as emotional guide. I have counseled many a woman (almost always a single mother dealing with a difficult situation), who use their children as emotional support. A terrible cycle to begin...it only spirals downward.

Yes, that's how it works. They unload their concerns on you. They see you unperturbed by them, which is easy since they are going to be trivial. That will ease their mind, since you see them as easy to deal with. This is the dance of the human couple.

When they're talking to you about their concerns, you don't need to say anything other than the occasional grunt of "I'm still listening". Especially not unload a word diarrhea. They just need to know that you have looked at the problem with a second set of eyes. It will ease their mind.

The project is SO easy that it is almost offensive to the male mind, which wants to see puzzles everywhere.

Another reminder that women don't really like Delta or Gamma. They want a male who behaves and acts like a real man, not a male who is soft and emotional. By leaning on her shoulder, telling her sob stories, and treating her like a therapist, you're going to make her resent you, because that's weak behavior, and women hate weak men. As a man, you should focus on fixing and dealing with problems by yourself, because no one truly cares about your problems anyway.

Yes but in my experience even she would much rather unload all her feelings on you than listen to you talk about your feelings.

My mom sometimes rails on for 30 minutes to an hour about what's bothering her, and like a dutiful son, I listen. Then at the end she brightly says, "So, how are things going with you?" -- and I assure her that now that she's unburdened herself of all her stress and tension, there is no need for her to pretend to give a shit about my problems.

Women aren't shoulders to cry on, but when they understand that you have stress/pressure, they will dial their wife duties up to 11. Favorite meals, less bother from children, the house is cleaner, adult entertainment improves, etc.