Castro Warns of Nuclear War. Blames “Damn Kids on Lawn.”

HAVANA, Cuba – (GlossyNews) Cuban leader, Fidel Castro, delighted Cuba’s Parliament with his first public appearance in over four years. A strong, healthy, and vigorous Castro amazed Cuba’s leaders and the assembled press corps alike with his deep grasp of international issues and prophetic warnings about the course of world events.

During his brief address, Castro warned that the world “was sitting on the brink of a nuclear holocaust that could engulf every nation on the planet and lead to the extinction of our species.” He then promptly placed the blame of these events on “all those damn kids who are always running around my grass. Don’t they have school? In my day we never ran around on other people’s lawns. We WORKED. And, that’s what made us strong. We didn’t have time for any of these new-fangled computers and iPods. We played in the dirt with sticks! And, we had fun doing it. Damn kids. Don’t they have parents? Probably out there having sex in the middle of the road and smoking the pot while their little heathens are out there causing nuclear wars.”

Castro demanded an international committee be formed under the auspices of the United Nations to investigate this link between the youth and nuclear proliferation with an emphasis toward “finding out if they’re the same little bastards who throw rocks at my house at night and pick them up before morning so I don’t have any proof to show the cops. I know it’s that little Gonzalez punk down the street. His dad’s a prick and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. When I get him, I’m gonna cut his little animal belly open.”

Castro also addressed the imminent threat to the world posed by global warming. Once again, Castro enthralled all in attendance with his masterful grasp of the issue, adroitly translating advanced concepts in climatic science into how they affect all of us today. “Why’s it so cold in here? You get some kind of medal for making me piss icicles,” Castro emphatically stated on several occasions. Then, only a short time later, he shouted, “What the hell? You trying to turn this place into an oven?”

After closing his remarks, Castro crafted yet another stunning commentary on the too fast pace of modern life as he was lead back to his seat by an aide. “Slow down there, you son of a bitch. What the hell’s the rush? You got a date or something? Probably with a guy you little fag,” he shouted. Then, upon reaching his seat, “Well, what do you know. Everyone’s still here. Guess you ripped my arm out of its socket for nothing.”

Castro spent the rest of the event vividly demonstrating his deep connection with the common people and sympathy with their struggles to make ends meet by stealing all the Sweet and Lows, ketchup packets, and napkins from the tables around him. “They can afford it,” Castro assured.