Appropriate Prejudice: A Conversation with My Daughter

Ahhhh. He makes fun of you during recess. What’s that? You don’t like anyone with dark skin? It hurts daddy to hear you say that and it’s also not fair. Do all people with a different skin color make fun of you? I didn’t think so. One of Mommy and Daddy’s best friends has dark skin. Do we have more than one? Errr…no we do not.

Let me be clear. You should never decide you don’t like someone based upon the color of their skin. It’s frowned upon these days. Even more importantly it’s small minded, misguided and bigoted.

Why you ask?

Firstly, there are so many other ways to decide you won’t like someone.

Secondly, the color of a person’s skin is a factor beyond a man or woman’s to control. A black man, for example, can’t just decide to be white nor can a white man just decide to be black. Yes I know Michael Jackson looks very different over the course of his career. That’s a special case. Take my word for it. We live in an enlightened society and it is never appropriate to judge anyone on factors they cannot change.

What are factors? They’re criteria. What are criteria? Just shut up and listen.

In addition to race we cannot make assumptions about people based upon their sexual orientation, height, weight or any number of other inherited traits. Judging one based upon where they live is also verboten…unless that person happens to be from Belgium, or the Netherlands in which case they’re awful human beings. Come to think of it the Japanese are up to some pretty weird stuff these days. There’s this game show where…well that’s a discussion for another time and place.

How should you judge people you don’t know?

The short answer is that you shouldn’t. Unfortunately this entails the tedious process of getting to know people, most of whom you won’t like. Fortunately there are some cues we can take from the way a person looks or acts or even smells which doesn’t infringe too much on the complex web of social mores in today’s society.

This pussy looks crazy and yes I’m referring to the cat…under this woman’s dress.

People who reek of cat piss should generally be avoided. Some of them are meth addicts and others actually own cats. In either case you should proceed with caution. Cat people are typically, and in your father’s experience, perverted sex freaks. Anyone in possession of more than one cat is emotionally disturbed and has a tendency to steal women’s underwear.

If someone smells like a music festival and the heady scent of patchouli is about you can safely assume that you’re in the presence of hippies. They may seem odd, funny and a bit slow but just remember that they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Also don’t make many sudden movements. The aging hippy is an endangered creature tends to frighten easily. Speak softly and enjoy the time you have to watch him, or her, in their natural habitat be it a coffee shop, head shop, street corner, yurt or dorm room which reminds you’re old man of a story…

Many, many years ago your daddy lived across the hall from a young man named Matt. Matt needed quite a bit of sleep and, quite possibly, suffered from a medical condition known as glaucoma. Every morning around 4:00 Matt would wake up and pull a few tubes that would allow him to sleep until two in the afternoon at which point he’d wake up, eat breakfast and then sleep until six.

What’s a tube little one? It’s slang for…you know what honey let’s put a pin in that and get back to it later.

If memory serves Matt became an attorney and suffered from chronic depression which isn’t all that unusual for those in that profession. If you ever meet an attorney smile at them politely and then run in the other direction. Nearly all of them are severely deluded and deeply unhappy people. The country in which we live is flooded with attorneys who have put themselves into vast amounts of debt with little chance of finding meaningful or even enjoyable work.

What’s debt dearest? It’s a concept invented by Democrats unless of course it’s during a time of war. Then you can blame the Republicans.

The point I’m trying to make is that attorneys are a poor investment both emotionally and financially. Most of them aren’t very stable and even fewer are all that rich despite being able to afford a Harvard degree and the accompanying accent.

Jesse Ventura for Governor because who else do we have? Campaign Slogan for Jesse Ventura for Governor

Let’s talk about accents. People who speak in a Minnesotan accent, who use the word “Geez” more often than necessary, are people your father believes to be morons. It’s not right. I freely admit that and I’ve tried to change but I’m old and set in my ways.

That said you shouldn’t take daddy’s prejudice to be indicative of all people from Minnesota. Many Minnesotans have made significant contributions to society. None of them come to mind right now but as a population they elected Jesse “the Body” Ventura to the highest office in the state purely for the nation’s amusement.

Men or women with a pronounced Philadelphian accent are assholes. It sounds harsh but it’s true. Those in possession of a deep Southern drawl are typically incredibly attractive unless they happen to be a man in which case they’re, most likely, unemployed. This is also true. Would your father lie to you? Of course he would but not about this.

If you ever hear a man use the term “Bro” or, even worse, the bastardization “Bra” you may safely assume that you’re in the company of a date rapist. The full word “brother” is a term of endearment and should be used more often. Its abridged form “Bra” is the sound a sheep makes shortly before it’s molested by the members of an entire fraternity.

Last but not least I’d be remiss little one if I didn’t mention economic status; the one factor by which all people are judged these days. Being poor is not an indication of one’s worth. The world is full of well-intentioned, goodly and destitute people. Do not judge them for being poor but, just to be safe, don’t date them either.

Older men driving expensive sports cars are suffering from some sort of existential crisis. All of them looking for a full release massage. On a related note any man who is not in the military and drives a full size Hummer is compensating for something. Think of him with charity and say a brief prayer for his tiny, tiny penis.

Hummers: The Car for the Man with Erectile Dysfunction.

Wealthy older women are something of a conundrum. After sending their children off to college some fritter their lives away in Junior Leagues or Alcoholics Anonymous. Others provide more worthwhile benefits to society by seducing young men and teaching them the nuances of love and loss.

My advice for wealthy people regardless of sex is to find and date each when they are young. If you reach them early enough you might be able to change their ways and, perhaps, have an unexpected pregnancy in the hopes that you may one day tie them down.

Sadly little one it’s time for you to go to bed. I hope you’ve found our little chat worthwhile. One of my jobs as a father is to prepare you, as best as I can, for what can often be a scary and confusing world. Now go to sleep and dream of a beautiful man or woman whom whom you will some day marry and is wealthy and kind enough to provide for your old man and his wife in an early retirement.