There's this guy in his forties and his wife gets pregnant with twins and he builds an addition on their house but before he's done his wife has the babies and then he has to stay home and take care of the kids and finish the house and do a bunch of other stuff too. Also there's a really big dog with emotional problems.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Emasculation Accomplished?

Yesterday I had to speak harshly to poor little Butterbean. The resulting cryfest pretty much melted the crusty old lump of coal in my chest cavity.

The reason for the stern tone from the old man? Butterbean and her sister were in real danger of being urinated on. By yours truly.

It was mid-morning, long before the twins' first nap, and shortly after my first half-gallon of coffee. I thought I would discreetly pop into the bathroom, leaving the door open so I could keep an eye on the girls. But the toddlers have been fascinated by toilets lately, and they raced in to investigate.

I was able to block Cobra with one leg, and in any case she got distracted by something shiny in the bathtub. But Butterbean would not be dissuaded. I shifted side to side to thwart her approach, but she proved quite deft at slipping around my leg and grabbing for the rim of the bowl. Meanwhile, I was trying to maintain my aim and pressure control, with limited success. Finally, I hissed something like "BACK OFF" at her, which spurred abject anguish on her part and corresponding waves of guilt on mine.

In a world in which gender roles have become less and less relevant, men have always felt that we could count on our one inalienable birthright--standing up while peeing.

That's why when my wife, upon hearing of yesterday's traumatic events, suggested that I pee sitting down, thereby leaving my hands free and eliminating the dangerous freefall zone that so entices the children, I sputtered. I have known European guys who sit while peeing, but that hardly make it any less effeminate. I might as well wear clogs and manpris.

As unsanitary and dangerous as it can be, upright bi-pedal urination is a hallmark of masculinity celebrated by American boys and men from the moment we acquire the necessary skills. Unlike our female counterparts, we can pee virtually anywhere, unencumbered by the need for facilities or even camouflage. Being on our feet, we are less vulnerable than sitters, ready for immediate fight or flight if necessary.

Every visit to a public urinal (the horror of doing so in flip-flops notwithstanding) is a tribute to our rough-and-ready forefathers: the soldiers, frontiersmen, cowboys, and farmers that made this country the superpower it still is today. Not by daintily lounging on a cushy commode, but by boldly inscribing the letters U-S-A into the snowbanks of history.

Nonetheless, for the sake of my children, I am considering compromising my values. If the situation arises again, where the levees, as it were, are crumbling against the force of the rising riverbank, I will assume the position of shame. But as an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, I have embarked on a regimen of mind-over-matter willpower exercises, and daily kegling, to obviate the complete surrender of my masculinity.

Check this out. I'm playing a game called "Blog Hop," sponsored by Brian H at Dad at the Chalkboard. You should click below and try it too.

Hahahaha!!! OMG, that is hilarious. Not that you yelled at Butterbean (poor sweetie pie), but the situation itself. Have you thought about putting a gate at the bathroom door? That way you can see them and they can see you but not be in any danger of being pee'd on and you can keep a little bit of your masculine pride. BTW, I find it funny that you discuss European men sitting, because man, they pee everywhere. Over here (at least where we are in Germany), it's legal to pee in public as long as you're not facing the street. James Bond and Indy love this. Me...well, it's doesn't really do me any good. Gah.

While I usually side with Dr. Mom, I'm firmly Team Beta on this one. From a practical standpoint, I'd imagine you would want to maintain a position as ambulatory as possible in case you need to move/dodge twins on the loose. In this case it might have been a bit of a disadvantage, BUT imagine the fallout if one of the kids decided to, say, wander into Stella's mighty pee-stream whilst your pants are around your ankles. I shudder at the thought.

If anything, a little unintentional pee on your part is payback for the times they saturated your couch/clothing/person in the first few weeks with a host of bodily fluids. Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything ::wringing out bottom of shirt::

And, while your kids are too young for this to be an issue (yet), here's a somewhat-related cautionary story.

When my daughters were young we were very proud that they knew the 'real' names for all the bodily parts and functions... until one of them announced to my parents that "Daddy has a really big penis." Which may or may not be true, but was nonetheless quite horrifying to hear a toddler telling her grandparents. Luckily it wasn't the in-laws.

@Anon--I don't know. I'm a pretty old dog to be learning new tricks like that.

@High Heels--Yeah, I should have gates all over the house. Pretty soon they're going to be way too fast and slippery for me.

@L-sq--So I should be not only standing when I pee, but actually on my toes?

@Swarthy J--She was so close though...

@Robin--I was even thinking about mentioning the murse. Michael Chabon wrote a hilarious essay about how, after getting used to the convenience offered by diaper bags, he finally transitioned to a murse.

@SDL--I've already gotten over it. The kid probably has too. Right?

@DiPi--heheh. #1.

@Jenni--Oh! I just thought of an even better solution. The "Stadium Buddy" that allows you to pee into a bag strapped to your leg!

@Anon--Oy. That's when I would be like,*beckons to imaginary waiter* "Check, please..."

And as for clogs, I felt the same way when my Swedish grandfather suggested them. No way, guys say that's for chicks, my teen self said. He, a man who worked in a sawmill his whole life, said back, "hit him with your wooden shoe."

"In a world in which gender roles have become less and less relevant..." Aw, that's cute.

Maybe yelling at BB was the right thing to do. If she learns that bathroom is alone time and when you barge in on daddy he gets yelly, then maybe she'll leave you alone. This is an important life lesson!

This made me laugh out loud. The visual was hysterical. As for the whole peeing-sitting-down thing, it is just temporary and could be a good instructional tool for your daughters come potty training time...

You explained peeing etiquette for men very well--hilarious!During high school my buddies and I (drunk) thought it was hilarious to try to pee over our shoulders.However, at home, I always sit. It's what my Mom taught me. And what my wife taught my son.

Ha ha! Not to be too graphic but us women have a certain time of month when it is MOST inconvenient to have kids in the bathroom with us in which case the door is closing, tears or not. Give the cryer a snack, she'll bounce right back.