Tag Archives: use your words

EDITOR’S NOTE: Disrupting Dinner Parties is intended as a space where discussion, even disagreement, lead to a fuller understanding of issues. Like all our posts, this article represents the opinion of its author, not of “DDP” as a monolithic entity. In fact, this post generated heated discussion among the editors, which you can see in the comments section at the bottom of the page.

Long ago, when I first started dancing, my local scene was full of non-consensual touch*. Friends told me terrible stories of how they had been groped, grinded, ass-smacked, neck-nuzzled, or even licked non-consensually on the dance floor. I was shocked, but believed wholeheartedly. I had seen a fair share of these behaviors with my own two eyes; however, from outside the dance-partnership, I had no way of knowing whether it was consensual or not.

In NO (Part 1), I talked about how my mother taught me to assert my boundaries when I was I was a little girl. She taught me to say “No!” or “Stop!” loud and clear, with a straight face and a deep, firm voice as if I was talking to a misbehaving dog. When I grew up, it clicked that I could apply this loud, forceful ‘Dog-voice No’ to asserting my sexual boundaries. Furthermore, I took the principle of using firm serious body language and removed the loudness to create what I call the ‘Soft No’—a more palatable, but still potent I-mean-what-I-say signal.

Fortunately, I haven’t had to use the Dog-voice No or the Soft No very often. I am lucky enough to have spent most of my life surrounded by people that listen to my words. Nevertheless, every now and then my boundaries are overstepped. As promised, here’s a few examples of when I have used the Dog-voice No and the Soft No in sexual situations:

This post is inspired by a conversation I had with a male friend regarding the subtle difference between “I’d like to kiss you” versus “Can I kiss you”.

“It’s too bad,” I said, “but, ‘Can I kiss you?’ just isn’t sexy. It implies a lack of confidence. And I’m attracted to confidence! What can I say?”

“Yeah, but you say you hate arrogance, right?”

“I can’t stand it! It’s such a turn off.”

He was getting noticeably frustrated. “But they are basically the same thing!” he fumed, “Both are ‘believing in yourself’! Just sometimes people perceive you as arrogant. It’s really about knowing your audience more than anything.”

I disagreed, but I couldn’t put a coherent argument together at the time. Still, his comment got me thinking, “What is the difference between confidence and arrogance?” It’s true, both words embody a strong belief in oneself, but arrogance makes others feel bad, while confidence is inspiring.

(This post is a team effort with my friend Jeff. We’ve discussed everything together and agreed on everything presented here. While most of the post comes primarily from my voice, there’s also a section where Jeff is the main speaker. This will be denoted with bold. )

So we know what “rape-culture” is at this point, right? Thank god we finally have a word for it! Like the emergence of the term, “sexual harassment” in the 1970s, the recent addition of the term “rape culture” to our everyday lexicon has given us a way to describe what used to be called “just the way it is” or “life”. Therefore, we are now able to see and discuss it. And I don’t know about you guys, but I see it everywhere: movies, the news, music, child-raising, the subway, you name it. Rape culture is our culture. But now that we see it, we can start changing it right?

So tell me, what can I do to move away from rape culture? There’s certainly a lot of discussion out there about what NOT to do –aka what rape culture looks like. But I rarely come across a blog post, an article, or really any kind of discussion whatsoever of what I SHOULD do—what consent culture might look like. Is rape culture so pervasive, that most of us, honestly just can’t even imagine a culture of consent?

Okay, I get it Panda, but what do I DO?

I personally wasn’t able to imagine a culture of consent until I saw it. And now that I have seen it, I feel the need to share my story, so maybe others can imagine it too.

Consent is being in agreement that what is going on is good/ desirable/ fun/ sexy and should keep happening. You need to have your partner’s consent for sexual activity, or it is sexual assault/ rape.

Consent is a state, like trust. or paying attention. And it’s between your partner’s ears.

Consent is not like getting a train ticket stamped. Consent is not a thing.

Affirmative consent is when you know that you have consent, because there are concrete things your partner has done that tell you so. Putting a condom on your dick and climbing on top of you, for instance. Or using their words to say, “I kinda want to fuck you again.” (while the afternoon light streams in the kitchen windows….) Knowing that your partner wants you, as opposed to basically guessing, makes for hands down better sex.

The consent that I’m referring to in this post is an ethical/moral/be-a-decent-human-being term, not a legal term. Most people, I think, are basically decent and kind and want to do the right thing, but I also think a lot of us grew up with some really fucked up information and ideas about sex. Like that it should “just happen” and you should not plan for it or talk about it.

What does consent look like? How do you communicate your consent, as well as your boundaries? How can you know that you have your partner’s consent, and where the boundaries of that consent lie?