Saturday 18 May 2013 20.38 EDT
First published on Saturday 18 May 2013 20.38 EDT

It wouldn't be Saturday night without a Scandinavian crime drama. This weekend the action moved to Malmö in southern Sweden. The sensible knitwear was replaced by glittering spandex and the only things murdered were pop songs.

The 58th instalment of the Eurovision song contest, which aims to draw nations together while simultaneously giving them an opportunity to punch one another in the kidneys, saw the hot favourite, Denmark's Emmelie de Forest, win with 281 points for her song Only Teardrops, well ahead of runners-up Azerbaijan.

Ukraine came third, Norway fourth and Russia fifth. Greece was placed an unexpected sixth with the rabble-rousing Alcohol Is Free. Sung by Koza Mostra, a hirsute group of men dressed in gymslips, it was clearly a song aimed at ensuring the destitute nation would not be saddled with the costly task of hosting next year's event – a plan that very nearly backfired by appealing for pity votes.

Britain's Bonnie Tyler limped home with just 23 points despite a stirring performance, coming 19th of 26. The 61-year-old singer fared marginally better than last year's vintage act, Engelbert Humperdinck, who was cruelly defrosted for the indignity of finishing second from last with a mere 12 points. But at least both of them fared better than Ireland, which came in last with a measly five points.

There was nothing wrong with Tyler's performance, although the raucous voice that once topped the charts with Total Eclipse of the Heart was surprisingly smooth. There were none of the Eurovision gimmicks her competitors relied on, just a powerful woman with hair bigger than Estonia belting out a song that, unfortunately, proved to be slightly less exciting than Armenia.

The show began with an odd film about a caterpillar becoming a butterfly while travellling from Azerbaijan, host of last year's final, to Sweden via Europe's transport network – precisely the sort of abuse of Europe's open borders that Ukip's Nigel Farage has been warning us about.

France opened with Amandine Bourgeois, a singer who tried to out-do Tyler with a tousled barnet, husky lungs and soft-porn lyrics. She was followed by Lithuania's Andrius Pojavis, singing a heartfelt song about his shoes. Pojavis resembled a young David Hasselhoff, but sadly lacked the young Hoff's chief attraction – a talking car.

Finland's Krista Siegfrids, meanwhile, ended her performance of Marry Me with an eyebrow-raising girl-on-girl kiss, but set women's equality back to 1977 with lyrics such as: "I'm your slave and you're my master."

Iceland fielded Ingi Gunnlaugsson, a man whose hairstyle bore more than a passing resemblance to Dougal from The Magic Roundabout. Perhaps he too was hoping to steal a march on Bonnie Tyler's coiffure, but forgot his curlers.

Azerbaijan's Farid Mammadov, who sang atop a Perspex box containing a man who, happily, turned out not to be magician David Blaine, and Roberto Bellarosa, an 18-year-old from Belgium, also scored fairly well.

Bellarosa hails from Belgium's Walloon region. Thankfully he didn't appear to be a swivel-eyed Walloon but you wouldn't know from listening to the lyrics of his song, Love Kills.

Then there was Romania's Cezar. Dressed like a vampiric Elvis, Cezar sang in an alarming falsetto surrounded by men and women dancing in tight lycra.

But though Denmark won easily in the end, the true winner of the evening was the event's host, Swedish comedian Petra Mede. Resplendent in a purple ballgown by Jean Paul Gaultier, Mede navigated perfectly Eurovision's unique blend of geo-political rivalries, deadly serious musical ambitions and camp nonsense.

• This article was amended on 21 May 2013. The original said that Greece was placed fourth in the competition rather than sixth. This has been corrected.