Mike Corthell

Editor & Publisher at Fryeburg Free Press MEDIA

Monday, April 9, 2012

Polish, Blonde or Jewish jokes anyone?

''Rather than appreciate my right to free speech, I expect that our African American Dictator and his appointed morons and minions would be offended by the facts, and it would hurt their little feelers and contribute to lower self esteem if we told them the truth.''Is free speech completely gone in America? Is the first amendment dead? I awoke early this morning in the still cold darkness of a slowly fading winter night. I was thinking, while lying warm and safe in my nice soft bed that I should arise and begin my day. Suddenly I was overtaken by a wave of emotion that stimulated a fear response which led to anxiety and guilt. All of it culminating into a simultaneous physical and spiritual convulsion that left me trembling, my heart pounding and my mind rushing as if I had had reached a climax or suddenly remembered an important commitment that I could not keep. (At my age it’s getting hard to tell the difference).

I began to fret ever so completely about the unfairness of it all, I mean here I am, with a roof over my head, a nice warm bed and all of the creature comforts anyone could desire. I have a nice home, a lovely wife, an ugly little dog and a normal, happy life.

All the while, just around the corner and down the street, somewhere in my neighborhood, I was now certain, lived, I assumed, some sad and lonely sort, suffering in the street, homeless, cold, hungry and alone. I thought to myself; How dare I, who am I to enjoy such comfort while others go without… Oh what a shameless man I am, the mere thought of it all made me feel un-worthy to have such a decent life.

I was certain that that poor homeless gent I conjured up was a victim of my greed and self indulgence and I am absolutely certain that my material excesses are damaging to his self image and lowering his self esteem. Matter of fact, my modest success in life might actually be causing him emotional and psychological pain. It’s surely all my fault.

Suddenly, as I sat up and reached for my robe, I realized that a robe is such an extravagance, such a waste of money and material resources. So I refused it and headed off to the privy, uncovered and fully exposed in all my natural beauty. I thought to myself; “Self… how dare you wear a robe when that poor homeless guy doesn’t even have clean dry clothes for the day”. Shame on me…

I sat there at the helm of my porcelain Clipper Ship, sails at full mast, when suddenly I stopped and began to fret about the paperwork that comes with the daily affair.

It immediately occurred to me that there had been a veteran in the news who had lost both of his arms in Iraq and his not having any arms would negate the possibility that he might undertake the task immediately before me, this business of doing the paperwork and swabbing the aft deck after the southern winds subsided. So, as not to offend and hurt his self esteem, I reckoned that I would make the sacrifice myself, in his honor, just this once, I would finish the spiritually fulfilling task of evacuating my private organic matter processor, but refuse to do the paperwork as a patriotic gesture to all who can’t reach theirs.

Knowing that I was doing my best not to hurt any feelings, I stopped at the sink to wash up and brush my teeth when it occurred to me that there are many in this world who are without running water and indoor plumbing. I felt sad that they might be jealous and that they might suffer with envy and come to despise me if I washed and brushed.

I decided to avoid the routine in their honor, and go freestyle, leaving a bowl full of unimportant matters behind. I quickly decided that cleanliness could not really be next to Godliness because no God of mine would refuse so many innocents in this world such meaningless obstacles with which to start their day. And, in order to avoid making those helpless people feel inferior, I would need to struggle through the day without the usual impediments of personal hygiene and simply cling tightly to my new P.C. way of life. So I skipped my bathroom rituals, for their sakes of course. I didn’t want to offend anyone.

I started to get dressed and put on my shoes to go for a walk when suddenly, I realized that there are folks out there who can’t walk, don’t have shoes, or are without legs altogether. And how might they feel should I go strutting around the neighborhood, fully clothed, wearing shoes and able to walk? Heaven forbid, Again, I asked myself, “Why are you so callous?” I said to self “How could you be so selfish and thoughtless as to forget their plight…” Shame on me again. http://www.newswithviews.com/fredinburg/fredinburg143.htm