An Ode to Self Care

Trying to get back out on dating apps after a two-year relationship. I was talking to my friend about sexual discrimination and they don’t think it’s a thing. How do I explain to her it is racist when someone says “I’m only attracted to white guys,” or “I would never date an Indian guy?”

Wow, bless your friend’s heart, she sounds like she’s had the privilege of never being on the other side of these dating apps. Most people just like to think of it as a “preference.” But when you say you won’t date this person because of their skin color, that kinda falls in line with the definition of racism. The point here is that unfortunately, we do think of race when thinking of desire and that is detrimental to a lot of groups of people on these apps. If she still doesn’t believe you, log her into Grindr, and show her how many profiles have something like “No Fats/No Fems/No Blacks” plastered across them. For most people, seeing is believing.

Any advice for a shit-out-of-luck, confused, almost 21-year-old girl who is still trying to figure out her own beliefs, ideologies and life in general?

Do you. I know I say that all the time but seriously, you are so young with so much life to live and so much to figure out about yourself — where you’re going and how you’re gonna get there, and the person you will be at the end of all of that. Trust me when I say there will be a ton more quarter-life crises before you even reach 25. Don’t let anybody mess with you — spiritually, mentally, physically or emotionally. Whether it’s religion, ideology or shame, don’t let anybody put something inside of you without thinking about it and making up your mind first.

I’m dating a guy who is a selfish asshole 60 percent of the time and a genuinely enjoyable person 40 percent of the time. I’m not sure if I’m dating him because I like the 40 percent so much or because I’m scared of the turmoil dumping him will bring to my life.

Firstly, you’re not dating anyone. If you really wanted to call that dynamic a relationship you could, but it’s not a healthy one, and you know that. What’s the best thing someone being held emotionally hostage by a selfish toxic man with mood swings can do? Break free. Thankfully, it sounds as though you guys are just casually dating and you aren’t intertwined in another way that could make this situation messier, like say if you lived together. Break him off (and maybe give him a LOUD piece of your mind while you’re at it), and fear no human being — especially not a pathetically vindictive excuse for a man.