Saturday, June 28, 2008

I've spoiled Ethan by letting him nurse to sleep, he's been a bad sleeper, waking once or twice a night & in the last week, waking up every 2-3 hours. It was rough, I was grouchy & making silly mistakes, using the wrong words, etc...My lack of sleep was wearing me down.Thursday night while I took a bath, Ethan cried. DH tried to soothe him, but Ethan just cried. I cheated, nursed him until he was almost asleep & then put him in bed. He slept through the night!We had decided earlier this week that Friday night we were going to try to Ferberize him. Around 8:30pm, we fed him, put on PJ's, read a couple of books, general bedtime stuff. A little after 9, we put him in bed. He played in his crib for a few minutes, realized that he was alone & started crying. I stuck to my guns. I followed the method & checked on him at 5, 10, 15 minutes. I would talk to him & rub his back, but couldn't pick him up. By 9:45 he was asleep!!

By 10:15, he was awake & crying. So we started over - rubbing his back & talking to him, but no holding. He went back to sleep within 10 minutes! He woke up maybe twice during the night, but I gave myself permission to not get up with him.

At 7:30 DH got up, Ethan woke up too. DH changed his diaper, put him back in his crib, so he could go to the restroom himself. He went back to Ethan's room & he was asleep! We went out for a breakfast & then to the hardware store. Ethan was getting fussy & sleepy. I fed him a bit & put him down. He's been asleep for 1.5 hours!!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Last year at Sara's birthday, my sister gave me a little sign that she had had embroidered for us. It said " Serving as an Angel, Reigning Above." It's in a picture frame & sits on Ethan's bookcase. This morning I was playing with Ethan & I glanced at the sign. I realized that my sister designed it so Sara's name was there: Serving, Angel, Reigning, & Above are stacked, lining up the first letters. I've been looking at it for almost 9 months & I just now noticed it!

Earlier today Ethan & I were at his water baby class. There was a few students, one was a little girl, 6 months old. She didn't look like Sara, Sara had more hair at birth than this little girl than at 6 months. But this little girl was wearing a pink tu-tu like swimsuit. Very girly, not my style. But I don't even get to make that choice for Sara, those silly, insignificant choices were taken away from me.

Friday, June 13, 2008

A few days ago, I started reading Va.lerie Bertin.elli's autobiography. Her parents lost a baby when he was 17 months old. They had a 4 y.o. son, the 17 month old & the mom was pregnant with Valer.ie. They were visiting a family friend, the toddler got into some poison & died. Heartbreaking. Valer.ie wrote that she didn't even know that there had been another brother until she was a teen! The family didn't talk about him, all of his pictures were put away. When Valer.ie's grandmother died, her own son was 17 months old. They were at the cemetery, she saw her brother's tombstone, realized he was the same age as her baby she was holding & it hit home - what her parents & family lost.

It made me sad, the parents having to hide their grief, to not even talk about their son. We proudly display Sara's pictures & other mementos around our house. We talk about her. I can't imagine having to hide my emotions. I'm not ashamed to cry in front of people - this is my child we're talking about. I see other people cry for less. I lurk on another message board & I often see people ask for prayers for their pets who are sick or saying how heartbroken they are after the pet dies. I'm a huge animal lover, but really, after losing a baby, I have to roll my eyes a bit. It's a dog.

My grandparents lost a son, my father's younger brother, in a car accident. We never talk about him. I think about him & a cousin who was stillborn 2 years before I was born. (I need to go put flowers on their graves.) I understand what my grandmother & aunt went through, but in this day & age, I can freely talk about my emotions, something neither of them got to do.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

The bigger issue to Ethan still breast-feeding is his ability to go to sleep. He nurses to sleep at night and for naps. A few times, he has fallen asleep in my arms as I sway, rocking him. Earlier today he fell asleep on the couch, cuddled up with me. But when I tried to carry him to his crib, he woke up.

DH's mother is coming to stay with Ethan, so we can go to The Cure concert. I hope he'll wear himself out, dragging himself around the house. I have plenty of breastmilk on hand, plus he eats lots of baby food, I'm not worried about him starving, just that he'll stay awake all night.

I was talking with my friend B. She was telling me about things that she does with her daughter, "spoiling" her. We both agreed it's because we lost our first daughters, our parenting style will be effected.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

At almost 8 months, Ethan is still breast-fed. I planned to nurse him until he was 6 months old. He takes a bottle of breast milk from me very well. He'll drink a 2 oz. bottle of ready-made formula on his own b/c he can hold the bottle by himself. A couple of times a week, I'll make a small bottle of formula in his little bottle that has handles so he can hold it by himself, so he can get used to the taste of formula, but he doesn't finish it. But worse, I don't stick with it. I don't want Ethan to cry, I know he's comforted by having me to cuddle with. I know it's because I lost Sara I'm spoiling my son. I always give in to him.

Don't get me wrong, I know all the benefits of breast-feeding, but I'd like to return to work in a few months, I can't still be nursing then. I want to be able to leave him with family, friends, a sitter and know that he will eat well. A couple of weeks ago, he spent the night with my parents. He ate the baby food and drank breast milk that I sent along, but not the formula. Part of me is frustrated - why didn't I introduce formula at an earlier age? The other part of me says it'll be OK, enjoy this time with him.