Q: My girlfriend of almost three years, whom I love, has basically put my feet to the fire. I just bought a place, her lease ends in six months and she wants to be engaged before we move in. I don’t agree with this, I would like to try living together first. I told her that if she is going to break up with me if we aren’t engaged in six months, then just do it now.

I know people my age, 27, who are married. None of them is happy. Come to think of it, no married couples I know, regardless of age, are happy. How can I handle this situation? I can see myself marrying this girl, but not for a few years.

A: She doesn’t want to move in without a proposal; you don’t want to propose before you’re sure; I don’t want people ever to think putting someone’s feet to the fire, or responding to the sensation of burning feet, leads to a solid decision on marriage. (Or breaking up. Ahem.)

So don’t decide. Her lease expiration is an arbitrary deadline, and therefore a false one. Don’t live with your girlfriend, and don’t propose, either. Not until a decision on your future sits well with you both.

Q: I am really tired of the train I am on. It’s going nowhere. But I’m scared to switch because in my mind this train is moving really fast … too fast. I am also scared if I make this leap I will end up alone and going to a different nowhere even faster. Any advice?

A: If the new one also goes nowhere, you switch again. And again, if you have to, and again, learning and refining your judgment as you go, till you like your direction.

And, I’ll risk a metaphorical train wreck to point out, too, that the faster it goes nowhere, the better, since at least then you aren’t growing old waiting to see if you’ll ever be happy.

I’ve gotten ahead of myself, though. First, no matter how much the prospect scares you, you have to make some changes, soon (I assume you don’t have the luxury of time to step back and clear your mind). One way to get clarity under pressure is to discuss things with someone you trust.

Choose carefully, though; you don’t want someone who’ll say, “You have to get married, the invitations have gone out.” or, “You have to finish law school, your loans are huge.” Reach out to someone who will also trust you — and listen to you, and help you put things in perspective.

It’s axiomatic that things loom largest in our imaginations, as fears, and shrink to more manageable sizes when talked about, planned for, addressed. So talk, plan, address, and get this leap underway.

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