Domestic Tour 2018 – Manchester/Nottingham

Dom Tour Mupdates:

Ridge – ‘If it’s an automatic we’re all fucked’
Warwick Estates – promising the boys Ford Galaxy’s or similar
Drivers for the tour – D.Lewis/Owen/Ridge and Marcin
Marcin – claiming to have driven AMGs before
Ford Galaxy’s – not quite up to that standard
Owen – still out of pocket following a crash in his own car
Clubman – scrambling to avoid Owens motor

Hostel – Hatters, located in Manchester’s trendy northern quarter
Rooms – basic
Toilets – much like Ivan’s leg: crucially broken but carrying on anyway
Chat – starting at a strong level
The sesh – being entered as a contact on many a persons phone
Tasty – revealing a bottle of ouzo to be used to terrorise fresh
Dyson – describing ouzo as the drink of double sesh
Reasoning – Ouzo crystalizes in the body and reforms again when you drink water, thus getting you sent again
Is this true? – Fuck knows
Harry Collins – has his first disaster of the week, locking himself out of his suitcase
Collins – deploying a handsaw to gain access to his bag
Handsaw – rogue but effective choice of tool
3rd year room – meeting point for tourists
Choppy – deciding every fresh must do 10 keepy – uppys in the room or shot ouzo should they fail
Many tour fresh – useless at cricket
Also – fucking woeful at football
Collins and Rory – Gun at keepy-uppys
Ouzo – saved for later
Dinner – boys forced to go their separate ways
Manchester establishments – Sergio Ramos on a Saturday
18 blokes – can’t be catered for at once
D. lewis – rumoured to steal Bella Italia discount cards
3 generations of social sec – enjoying poncey fried chicken
Pre-drinks – taking place in the 3rd year room
Destination for the night – FAC251, recommended by Manchester local Harry Collins
Pre’s – eventful with Thor confessing to using a butt plug
The spirit of bum play – lives on even without Jonny Hall
Clubman – wincing
Thor – not recommending the practice
Ridge – outed for having the body of an EDL member by Choppy
D.Lewis – providing further insight into shit-gate
Clarification – still not quite provided
D.Lewis’ toilet door – still not quite recovered
FAC – A good ten min walk from the hostel, plenty of time for drama
Murphy – publically urinating infront of policemen
Choppy – asking Gay men in Manny’s gay village what type of Gay man Owen would be
Debate – Is Owen and bear or a cub
Judgement – The boy is a cub
FAC – generic big city club with multiple floors
Top floor – the scene of most of the boys actions
Ridge – falling asleep standing up through an intense drum and bass DJ set
Ridge – In all sorts of trouble
Jamie – Posing for all sorts of photos with the limp ridge
Clubman – having a class time
FAC – going down well
Collins – looking gun for suggesting FAC
4AM – arrives in time and the boys head in search for late night grub
Choppy – opting for a subway
B.M.T –sandwich of choice
Beveridge – necessary but expensive
Solution – Steal a bottle of water from right under bossmans nose
Choppy – executing the theft superbly, allowing him to enjoy sweet sweet hydration with a side order of crime
Sudden pangs of guilt – attack choppy
Choppy – desperate to let every clubman know what he has done in case he is put behind bars in the morning
Some clubman – told twice about the ordeal
Murphy – Told at least 9 times
Tasty, Owen, Ridge and SJ – opting for a fresh bites pizza
Pizza – horrific
Aftertaste – rough
Arriving back in the toilet at 7am? – most certainly
Day 1 – over
Choppy – already on the Interpol most wanted list

Day 2:
Hangovers – horrific
First tour fixture – to commence in the early afternoon
Opposition – Woodhouses CC
Woodhouses – currently 2nd in the greater Manchester prem
UWMCC – up against it
Touring party – featuring no wicket keeper and very few runscorers
Plan – bowl first and make a game of it
Toss – lost
Oppo – opting to bat
Game – still in tact
Opening batsmen – clearly too gun for a Sunday fixture retires on 80odd from not many
Same bloke – hitting Owen for 18 off 3 balls with 3 huge YesBank maximums
D.lewis/Roach – being great blokes and sharing the unwanted keeping job
Standard of keeping – Woeful however
Byes – having a very good day
Oppo Batsmen – Having an equally good day
UWMCC – struggling
Saviour – Needed
Step forward Jack Ridge – 2 wickets in 2 balls
Hat-trick ball – building great suspense and hope in the field
Leg side half tracker – floated down by ridge
Result – 2 byes
Anti-climax – killing the mood even more
Randall – placed on suicide watch
Thor – shouting tips from the side of the pitch
Tips – not appreciated
Woodhouses – Posting a huge score of 250+
Tea – A sandwich and chicken based affair with plenty of food for all
Club bar – offering members prices to clubmen for the day
£2.50 pints – gun
UWMCC batting – pretty woeful
All out – for under 100
If this was Kraus’ cricket – many wacks would be in order
However at woodhouses – Just one wack in order
Wack – for the lowest run scorer of the day
The unlucky man – Harry Collins
Collins’ dismissal – full retard
Tropic thunder – ‘never go full retard’
Collins – edges it behind and assumes he is caught
As a result – he walks out of his crease in despair
Keeper – dropped the catch but relishes the stumping
The ordeal – summing up UWMCC’s performance
Post game plans – unsure with many clubman still recovering from the previous nights oversesh
The oppo – laying on jug after jug and allowing us to order pizza to the ground
The oppo – laughing at us for going FAC
Collins – Manny knowledge is under the pump
Woodhouses – great blokes
Back at the hostel – Love island joint viewing
Appetite for a night out – minimal
The nothing is good on a Sunday card – well and truly played

Day 3:
Tasty – ‘Owen what the fuck happened to you last night?’
Owen – bemused
Story – goes that Owen was snoring like a truck driver when Randall threw some crisps at him, upon impact Owen sits bolt upright in his bed and mumbles what many suspect to be his Chinese takeaway order
Morning – very sluggish
Some fresh – going for an anti-slug walk and breakfast
Breakfast of choice – spoons
Spoons – unwise choice
Calls from the sesh – aplenty
Ivan – washing down his bacon with a Guinness
Plan for the day – mini-golf
Chat – turning to Ivans girlfriend
The girl in question – without a doubt still in primary school
Ivan – owning the chat quite well
Ivan – not owning ugly chat however
Ivan – ‘ I’m not even ugly ‘
Ivan – not familiar with the fact that every clubman is ugly
Randall – telling us all how his epileptic dog has humorous fits
Randall – a sadist #NotMyPrez
Lunch – poutine for many
Poutine – posh chips and gravy
Location – Brewski
Brewski – serve gin in a teapot
Randall and Tasty – gladly obliging
Post lunch pint – in order
Location – a suspiciously EDL looking pub in a Manchester back street
Jack Ridge – well at home
Pints – sunk
Golf – ready
Ryder Cup – Commencing
Teams – Lewis vs Randall
Junkyard golf – gun
Standard of play – mixed
Result – a stern 2-2 draw
Penalties – get fucked
Boat race – the real way to settle a draw
Spoons – providing the cheap pints necessary for a boat race
Team Randall – sending D.Lewis
D.Lewis and Choppy – really letting their side down
Matt Thomas – eating his pint with real anger
Matt Thomas is a slow wacker – false
Myth – exposed
Attention – turning to the nights sesh
Planned sesh – fifth nightclub
Harry Collins – assuring it is gun
Fifth – not open on a Monday
Harry – Being outed for lack of Manchester knowledge
Manchester based flatmates – being urgently messaged for advice
Flatmates – suggesting FAC
Cluman – keen not to return
Collins – Suggesting Deansgate ‘from expirience’
Deansgate – the chosen back-up
Deansgate – utter wank
Deansgate – as sparse and empty as Owen’s chop list
Harry – mugged off
Boys – ending up in FAC again
FAC – this time exclusively populated by 16 year olds
Roche – cracking on with many a young young lady
Roche – eventually pulling
Clubmen – watching
The girl – noticing and then running away
Roche – cya
However – not everyone makes it to FAC
Dyson – given an early TKO and taken home by Ridge via Macca’s where he makes friends with gang members
Murphy – not let in to FAC on account of having a bad attitude and resembling Phillip Schofield
FAC bouncers – clearly not a fan of this morning
Murphy – heading to the string of gay bars taking D.Lewis with him
An adventure – awaits
The adventurers – turned away at a ‘high class’ bar and told to go to the ‘trashier’ alternative next door
D.Lewis – popular with old men looking for young bum
Murphy – like Owen in rouge bar, surrounded by lesbians
Murphy – converts at least one
The conversion – only temporary as she soon runs away
Back in FAC – the strength of the indie room is somewhat saving the night
FAC population – still very underage however
Ivan – like a pig in shit or Roach at a carvery
Boys – keen not to have another major controversy this term leave FAC
Collins – asserts that the new woman’s club prez was in FAC
Amelia Ghanbouri – infact in spain
Amelia – doesn’t even live in Manchester
Collins – getting it wrong once again
Chance reunion – between the the FAC contingent and the adventurers
Baywatch style slow running – carried out so clubmen can hear D.Lewis’s stories of the night.

Day 4:

Bang, Bang, Bang – Thor wishes to get into the 3rd year room
9AM post sesh – not the best time for a loud guest
Fuck off – comes the chorus from hungover clubman in their beds
Clubmen – eventually all up and dressed
Dragons den – UWMCC edition
First and only contestant – Marcin
Marcin – tries to sell his big bag ol cans
Marcin – no longer staying on tour but keen to get some cash for his leftover booze
Booze – described as 17 Kopperbergs
Money requested – £15
Booze – turns out to be mainly Sainsbury’s basic lager
Money received for cans – jack shit
Hustlers – gotta hustle
Clubman – have no respect for the hustle
Hungover meal deals – in order
Morrisons salad box deal – a gift from the gods
Cous-cous – inhaled at a rapid rate
Afternoon activity – watching football come home
Tib Tavern – a gun setting
England – also gun
Penalty win – triggering absolute scenes
Limbs – absolutely all over the shop
Morale – high
Venue for the post-football sesh – 42s
42s – a Manchester famous indie venue
The man behind this decision – pretty obvious
42s – mixed reception from clubman
drinks – absurdly cheap
consuming 6+ J-bombs at once – a somewhat common occurrence
VKs – readily available
42s – suddenly going up in clubman’s estimations
Girls – mainly of age
Owen and MT – cracking on with a pair of locals
Communication between the boys – dangerously minimal
Both boys – trying to jump on the grenade
The actually OK one – somewhat ignored
Team meeting – needed
Owen – eventually talking to and pulling the OK one
Soph – a solid warwick 5.5
Soph – catches a glimpse of Ivan who is seemingly staring at proceedings
Soph – quickly evacuates
Soph – quickly finds someone willing to provide refuge from Ivan
That someone – none other than James Murphy
Soph – quickly becoming the clubs northern Gary
Oversesh – striking
DJ – started to play shite tunes
Boys – leaving accordingly
Rhys – leading the boys to his favourite post sesh event
The event – talking to absolutely everyone in the near-by burger king
Rhys – also seeing how much free soft drink he can consume in 5 mins
Owen – post burger king in a J-bomb induced world of trouble
Owen – taking relief over a nearby bin
Stomach movements – aggressive
Yellow boxers – taking a pounding
The story – Owen became the latest clubman who shat himself
The truth – it was a shit in a bin that went awry
Either way – he’s a disgrace
Elsewhere – SJ starts rife confusion as he tries to order a burger king item in Macca’s
Josh on the nightshift – confused and not impressed
SJ – settling for a chicken mayo as opposed to a chicken royale
The post sesh antics – a shambles all round

Day 5

Farewells – made to those not coming to Nottingham
The remaining sesh demons – getting in Owen and Ridge’s wagons
The drive – somewhat uneventful
Matt Thomas being called by the sesh whilst at a service station
The task – a lunch of Guinness
MT – taking it like a champ
The igloo – our hosts in Nottingham
The manager of the Igloo – a slight French woman who was terrified of clubman the second they entered the room
First event on arrival in Notts – Trent Bridge T20
Birmingham bears – smashing Notts harder than Ivan does school children
The Notts bowling attack – as sore as a fresher’s arse post phaal
Post match sesh – non exisistent
Rhys & Rory – going for a domino’s
Grace – might need to be worried
Rhys – checking the domino’s app
Rhys – seeing its only on baking
Rhys – ‘fuck it ill eat this thing al dente I’m so hungy’
Rhys – clearly not shitting enough already
Cal Harris – meant to be at the hostel post T20
Cal Harris – thought tour didn’t begin for another 4 days
Cal Harris – no unable to get out of work for tour
Cal Harris – throwing away £200
Cal Harris – what a whopper
Day 5 – a quiet one

Day 6

Nando’s lunch – the first true club meal of tour
One clubman missing – big wetty
Big wetty – meeting his girlfriends mum
The days main event – a T20 against local opposition
Oppo – immediately realising the state of their opposition as UWMCC arrive with no keeping kit and only one batsman
Oppo – reverse batting order, trying to keep the game interesting
Randall – today’s stand in keeper
Randall – unsurprisingly pretty fucking good
Bowlers – aplenty
K balls – enforced
Harry Collins – being stung twice
Collins – really not his tour
UWMCC – set 146 for victory
UWMCC – shaky start as Randall gets out for 0
Tasty – the hero as UWMCC win by 3 wickets
Tasty – making a very tidy half-century
Tasty – no longer wet
Fines – shared with the oppo
The oppo – a great bunch
UWMCC – completing a triple victory as we also win sticky wickets and a boat race
The sesh – heavy
Rock city – shaping up to be gun
Substitute drivers – already arranged
Murphy and Collins – going sober at the cricket so the boys can get back to the hostel
Murphy – expertly drives the fagio back
Collins – yeets his vehicle into a pillar
Red Vauxhall – now the unlucky owner of a yellow go faster stripe
Collins – royally fucking up Ridge’s chance of getting another drivers card
UWMCC budget – also in some danger
Pre’s – downbeat somewhat
Rock city – still pretty gun
Bottom floor – a goth filled hell-hole
Owen – right at home
Other clubman – enjoying the busy main floor
Stories from the night – minimal
The yeeting of an SU car – still very much in the back of peoples minds
Outside the club – Ridge and Owen find some other Essex boys
Essex boys – seem like a class act
Essex boys – then wolf whistle and run after a group of poor girls
Essex boys – nice blokes who do bad things

Day 7:

Owen & Ridge – going off on an early morning trip to Halfords
Mission – find a way of hiding this scratch
Big Phil – a Halfords legend recommending the perfect product
Colour magic – the designated saviour
Owen – putting all his wanking experience to use as he rubs hard at the mark for 40 mins eventually removing the incriminating effort
UWMCC’s relationship with enterprise – saved
The days activity – laser quest
Clubman – actually only 12 years old
Nottingham’s laser quasar – completely empty
The one sole employee – as enthusiastic as Ivan is about the age of consent laws
UWMCC – running the gaff
Teams – Freshers vs the rest of the world
Tactics – crafty with Raj holding as opposed to wearing his vest
Games – fast paced and sweaty
Winners – the fresh by 2 games to nil
Randall and Tasty – decent laser quest players
Ridge – God like
Rhys – in the words of Alan Hansen ‘woeful’
Rhys – trying to blame the ACL
Excuse – doesn’t run when Ivan has only one leg and still did well
Post laser quest – a sweaty walk back through Nottingham
Chat – as for most of the tour turns to Ivan’s girlfriend
Owen – finding out where she works
That info – stored for later
Ivan’s plan to survive this smelly chat – just wait until Eloise looks older
The plan – could last forever
Back in the hostel – Randall finds himself on the phone to a school uniform shop
The shop – Ivan’s girlfriends place of work
You – really couldn’t make this shit up
Clubman – nearly getting the poor girl sacked
Ivan – well and truly in the doghouse
Attention – moves onto the nights entertainment
Plan – late curry then mini bar crawl
Noor Jahan – the chosen curry-house
Noor Jahan – empty on a Friday night
Signs – worrying
Food – actually decent
Reports of food poisoning – none
Post curry bar crawl – more of a one-stop shop
Chosen location – turtle bay
241 drinks – can’t be missed
deep chats – aplenty
tour – meandering to a close
memories – made
sesh related illnesses – fade

Day 8

Drive back to Warwick – uneventful
Returning the cars back to enterprise – adrenaline rushed
The Vauxhall – passing the stringent inspection
Colour magic – the real MVP
Warwick sport – accusing Dan Lewis of stealing a car he returned a few days earlier
Ridge – having to phone D.Lewis in front of Warwick sport to ask him if he stole the car
Answer – no, duh
Warwick sport – just about buying it
UWMCC – safe from prison for another summer