I haven't been laid in a year. :( I think it's my distro. What version are you guys running?

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—Welcome to Lunix!

“

I always eagerly wait for the new Lunix kernel. When I think of what compilation commands to use I get a huge boner and I often masturbate during the compilation. Some time ago I bought a new computer that compiles the kernel so fast I don't have time to cum. So I compile it twice.

linux.exe, pronounced Ginoo Slash Linucks, is a common computer virus that affects users in such a way that it turns them into complete faggots. Linus Torvalds, via his system administrator god-complex, aptly named the program "Linux" after himself. More commonly known as Lunix ("the Loser's UNIX"), it is the poor-man's version of the monolithic UNIX system; also, it is the most powerful contraceptives evar, in the universe, anywhere. The moar one learns about Lunix, the moar powerful its fertility-stealing powers become. It is recommended that you try Lunix, since everyone knows your gonads are made of fail. In other words, Lunix is a computerized sex-surrogate for asspies.

It is an operating system that was the result of really crappy reverse-engineering efforts to create a free version of UNIX. Linus Torvalds and Alan Cox are the perpetrators behind this travesty. Tons of people use it, especially hippies, and no one really likes it except the terminally uncool. Most of them use it in violation of SCO's intellectual property rights. To use Lunix legally, one must pay a $699 license fee to SCO for each processor that runs the Lunix kernel. In short, Lunix was a great idea with an awful outcome.

Lunix, like the Macintosh, attracts legions of fanboys. These penguinistas form communities that are irresistible to trolls. Though especially rabid on defense, penguinistas can rarely give it as good as they take it. Lunix trolls, in the guise of advocacy, often go to other communities to evangelize about Lunix on the slimmest pretense. Unlike most drama, the flame wars between OS advocates aren't entertaining. Neither is Lunix' rampant balkanization by butthurt programmers with an axe to grind.

Lunix is much like the Honda Civic of operating systems: both in its modifiability and in the blind religious fervor of its fans, ways to troll the ever loving dickbarf out of which we'll explore later in this article. Civic fan-boys mod their cars into many different ricer variants, and not to be outdone, Lunix will often come in a wide-array of distributions.

Lunix is only a kernal, meaning it's just the same thing for every distro. The only difference is the desktop environment that the specific distro will use. You also have to install many drivers for Lunix because it offers few internet card drivers, sound drivers, and sometimes even keyboard and mouse drivers. In short, Lunix provides nothing and is highly incompatible.

They may also be referred to as "distros" foar short, but it doesn't matter because all of them are equally shitty in quality, require you to do everything by yourself and are equally frustrating and useless.

They're often "shipped" with such genius ideas as a 5GB default install; read-only configuration directory (Lunix knows no such thing as the registry); no network device drivers on the CD (I hope you have another computer or you'll have to go to a friend to download them and spend hours trying to build the modules); broken USB, WLAN card, display card, sound card, younameit support; random lockups with LI on boot; incomplete documentation that is littered with leet speak and totally incomprehensible syntax, which would need a dedicated compiler written to be human readable (man pages are shit); broken hibernation support for laptops (hibernation requires over a gig of drive space (so it's a good thing that it's fucked anyways) and if you use hibernation on the Win side in case of double boot machines with NTFS, you are fucked; broken ACPI support resulting in random reboots; having a lot of useless services turned on by default; last but not least, using Caesar cypher for /etc/shadow passwords. No one understands what this last one means, although it sounds like something Lunix would do.

Not to mention the forums full of "self-taught geniuses" and/or arrogant trolls who somehow, despite being the "geniuses" they are, still have no clue on how to get a modern wireless network card working without using Windows drivers (unless having a very public SSID, no encryption at all, no MAC tables in use etc. what a piece of shit), or how to properly pluralize 'genius'. Which, with them, still only works about 5% of the time.

Then you give up and boot back into Windows, thus regaining a life again.

The mascot of Lunix is a fat stoner penguin named "Mister Tox" (from "toxic"). Tox is the hero of those who want to go through life sitting around with a huge gut full of semi-digested fish (too many bongs will give you a big appetite, I guess.) Linus Torvalds picked out a penguin to be the mascot, because:

all the good ones were already taken

Tux, Linus Torvalds and several pieces by Erik Satie all are pear-shaped.

A penguinista is a Lunix user who hides the fact that he dual boots into Windows to play Doom. During his free time, he tries to write a program that will make Windows programs run natively in Lunix. This will never happen. Some people have come close, but by the time they have 16 bit Windows emulated everyone else has moved on to 64 bit Windows. Oh yeah... they also use GIMP to collect welfare.

Collectively, Lunix users are nothing more than a mafia-run labour union that seeks only to flex its muscle by holding huge multi-national corporations hostage, and soil the good reputation of Maureen O'Gara. And, while they are keen on destroying all who oppose them, they are also quite stupid. This is why no one ever takes Lunix seriously.

Remember that Honda Civic metaphor from earlier?

. . .

Much like Civic fag-boys will often times claim that they've witnessed Honda Civics beating Lamborghinis and rocket ships in drag races, Lunix fans will often times claim that Lunix can out-perform the corporate flagships of the OS world (ie. Windows, Solaris, etc.), when in reality, most people couldn't even be paid to use Lunix.

Lunix users are typically caught furiously masturbating in bathrooms and making jokes about /dev/null that no one else gets. People don't get jokes about /dev/null because they're out having a life, sex, and a well paid job- in that order, thanks to Windows streamlining their lives. Famous people who don't care about using Windows because it works without having to memorise 10,000 command line functions include Stephen Hawking and Barry Scott. Unknown retards who use Lunix include the person who wrote the original title for this section.

It should be noted here that, in using Lunix, you are by no means immune to mental retardation!

Many of the Interwebs' greatest retards are in fact Windows users. Mainly due to the fact that introducing home-user lunix machines onto the internet would be like infecting a cancer patient with AIDS, Lunix limits the numbers of them automagically by offering horribly written, utterly unusable wifi card drivers (which are still distributed as if they actually were functional. By the way, does someone truly believe that open source software written by idle teens who can't get even a computing related summer-job is somehow bound to be of good quality?).

There is very little the internet can do about the specific Windows users mentioned previously. Although, with the help of ED it can try.

Typical Lunix/BSD users are a sensitive lot. This is because their entire self-esteem is tied up in knowing obscure piping and scripting techniques that nobody in the real world gives a fuck about, (because we in the real world do not smell as bad and are meanwhile having a civilized discussion with chicks). If a Lunix user feels threatened about the coming obsolescence of his beloved OS, untold havoc will be unleashed. This will eventually produce lulz. For this reason, we reveal here the easiest ways to troll a lunix message board or IRC channel.

Say that Lunix is inferior for development because it doesn't have Visual Basic .NET

Make it known that $699 (the fee you legally owe SCO Novell if you use Lunix) is $300 more than the price Windows Server 2003 Web Edition, which has more features, greater stability, and has been shown time and time again to have a higher ROI.

If you say any of these things during any of your conversations with a Lunix user, you are guaranteed to upset him. At this point, he will either cry like a little girl or write a twenty page manifesto on why you are wrong. Either way, he will be pwned.

Lunix can be a great tool for haxoring your school's computer lab. Not only do most distributions take up minimal hard drive space, many can also be booted quickly from a LiveCD. LiveCDs can be configured via their ISO image then burned to disk to create your bootable LiveCD. Once you are booted into Lunix it's possible for some distributions to install themselves onto small memory devices such as USB drives or memory cards. You can then take the newly created USB—which can be as small as around 256MB depending on the distribution you're using—and plug it into almost any PC. Once the device is plugged in use the following steps to boot into your Lunix distribution:

Shut off the PC.

Turn on the PC.

Wait for the manufacturer's logo (ie: Dell).

Hit F12 repeatedly until the logo goes away. (This could vary between machines; try hitting F1-F12 or even "Del". Even then, they might have the BIOS and Boot Device Selection Menu password protected.)

Select your Lunix device as the boot device.

Hit enter.

The computer will then boot into Lunix instead of Windows effectively bypassing any security measures that Windows would usually put in place during bootup - this includes most file restrictions. Please keep in mind that internet filters are usually not handled in Windows but on the organization's Server. If you're at work or in school, chances are you will still be blocked from certain websites. Finally you can mount and access the C Drive.

Make you lose weight (note: Lunix, Mountain Dew, Nasal Spray and Pop Tarts are not proper diet and lifting one of your many massive Lunix user-guide type books does not count as exercise)

Make you superior to the human race. Superiority is not defined by the number of gutted computer carcasses in your home, or the depth of your basement, or by how many operating systems you can fit on your hard drive

It is very easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other words - and this is the rock solid principle on which the whole of [their] success is founded - their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws.

Eric Raymond – Guy who wrote a crappy mail program, a crappy word processor, and then a crappy E-book about both entitled "Cathedral and the Bazaar." Unlike 99.9% of the losers in the Lunix world (who take the notion of "Free as in beer" just a bit too seriously) Raymond is not a Communist, but no one really cares because he spends most of his free time banging his mother.

Andrew Morton – Guy who writes and accepts thousands of badly coded patches into the Lunix kernel tree which both break things and also make users of said patch set feel l33t.

Becoming a master of lunix/unix requires a lifetime of dedication. You've heard of monks of various religious that take vows of chastity to show that they have risen above lust. Monks that grow long beards to prove they have risen above vanity. Monks that abstain from the impurities of the world and sit in near total darkness starring at a small light like a candle flame or an electronic equivalent. Often these people are religious hermits.

It is this spiritual dedication that makes one a master of lunix/unix.

TL;DR: To become a lunix/unix master, you need to become a permavirgin with a unix beard and be a basement dweller hermit that never sees the sun. (lol, everyone who reads these things!)

Got SATA drive? And even learned how to send all these cool interesting commands into SATA interface? Sounds like a plan! Now go send "firmware update" command and try to upload swap file to see if it improves HDD speed. Should it work, please do not ask how to undo that. I do not have even slightest idea. Replace HDD and press any key. And of course you shouldn't create backups! That's cheating for sure.

If it does not work, it can be intersting idea to send some vendor-specific commands in random order, fuzzing parameters and so on. Basically, redirect /dev/urandom into sata and take a look. Eventually you'll get interesting results for sure. I can't tell what effects you'll face. But some of them should be really funny. Unfortunately I do not know how to undo them if you dislike the results.

Same idea could work for SATA SSDs and USB flashes. Sending some garbage into SD/MMC cards could be wise idea as well. All this crap haves ton of interesting commands. Some are one way tickets, some are highly destructive, some are undocumented vendor stuff to do hell know what.

Sending funny commands could also work for CD/DVD/BD drives as well. They have ton of interesteing stuff to try as well!

Oh, are there any I2C and SPI buses in your system? Scan 'em all. As hard as you can. If there is EEPROM or flash IC - you're lucky! Now erase them and take a look if you won jackpot.

If you're especially lucky, best thing you can do is to erase BIOS (or boot loader) which often starts from some SPI flash IC. Needless to say, if erase succeeds, you're doomed to have a lot of fun on next reboot. And you'll learn heck a lot about advanced recovery techniques if you'll want to undo this.

Regulators. Ahh, what a nice invention. Your system needs more power, isn't it? So once you managed to find regulator IC on some bus - go reprogram it! Increase all voltages you can afford to their maximum values. Absolute Maximum Ratings in datasheets are for nuts! Feel free to exceed them. Since many regulators are generic ICs which do not have even slightest idea about absolute maximum ratings for your system... well, it's not going to be safe journey in hardware land. Feeding regulator IC with /dev/urandom output can be not so bad option to play Russian Roulette with your system, I guess.

Charger ICs. Another great inventon. Of course most of these are generic as well and so they do not know anything about your particular system until system software programs values adequately. If you've got some (usually embedded or mobile) system with LiIon charger IC, its really cool idea to "improve" operational limits to something more funny than all these boring correct/safe values. Exceeding charging current would make your battery to charge faster! And exceeding charge voltage would make battery to store even more power. The "only" issue is that battery can go boom. But absolute maximum ratings are meant for cowards, aren't they?!

Smart batteries. These are often found in laptops in I2C bus. Try to hack into smart battery and adjust operational limits just like described above, same idea applies. Though their devs are often badass and trying to protect agains such scenarios, demanding some silly auth keys and somesuch. Fortunately, many smart battery IC devs have really good sense of humor, so if you'll bother smart battery controller for long enough, feeding it with bad management keys, controller could lose its patience and ... permanently disable battery, in way which isn't easy to fix, often by triggeting powerful FET to cause artificial "short circuit" which in turn permanently destroys fuse, making battery useless. Needless to say you have to be rather competent in electronics to find that fuse, replace it and reset controller's state. Or just replace your expensive laptop battery and try again. But of course, jackpot only awarded for exceeding absolute maximum ratings. Just killing battery is boring.

FAN controllers/PWMs. Another nice invention. If you can figure out how to control that damn blower in particular system, you can make it really quiet by setting fan speed to 0. Do it for all fans you can afford. Let it shut up! And if your system TDP is high enough, you're in good position to win jackpot. Nvidia once released buggy driver which has proven its a really promising option to get rid of your old GPU. Needless to say, everyone with direct hardware access can try this trick as well, after figuring out some things. Interestingly, I once observed some firmware bug in hardware fan controller from Cooler Master where its firmware has failed to start. Then, no coolers were spinning at all. So it looks like if at least 2 vendors already got this sweet idea about making systems really silent via stopping all FANs. Who cares about all these silly TDPs?!

Modern desktop distributions include a wide variety of software packages, pre-compiled for the major processor architectures, so no compiling for the average person. These include clones of Microsoft Office (Libre Office), Internet Explorer (Firefox), or Adobe Photoshop (GIMP),as well as a copy of Wine, which lets you whine about how Lunix can't run your favorite applications.

Lunix has virtually no support. The best you'll get are forums with up to 3 Lunix "experts" who will just tell you to do 1 of 4 things: Reinstall, enter several lines of useless commands that probably won't do what could easily be done through the package manager, use a shitty alternative to some already shitty software, or nothing(that's right). And that's if you're lucky.

Hardware drivers are a bit difficult to get if not included already, but most are already there -- But if you've got an ATI or Nvidia card and install the proprietary drivers that actually work, fundie Lunix users will start bawwing at you for violating the GPL and deliberately introduce changes into the next kernel to break those drivers.

Lunix gamers do install windows and dual boot, but pretty much just to game -- And find out why the latest round of updates broke their X server.

Some fully functional Lunix distros are only 10MB big. But because these are "special purpose" distros, these are even more useless than a regular desktop distro.

As of 2010 or so, most of the kernel is written by paid developers from the hardware industry -- Except most of their users are running servers hosting furry porn in their mother's basements.

Following Richard Stallman's campaign promoting free software, several developers included the liblga library, which is the Linux Genuine Advantage library. Like all the things copied from Windows Fista to linux, the Linux Genuine Advantage is designed to troll the Linux fanboys. Many linux distros now include this library.