Thank you. Tonight's play was written by that
great homeless author Lucky 'Smiling Jim' Milligan, the darling of
Coventry, now living in a damp leather wellington boot off the coast of
Highgate.

Milligan:

Tonight I present my masterpiece entitled 'The
Mighty Wurlitzer'. .

Orchestra:

Crashing descending chords.

Grams:

Organ playing

Milligan:

Hear that sound, listeners? Ha ha.

Seagoon:

Yes, we can all hear it - Bach's Toccata and
Fugue - by Batch. Written especially for Reg Dixon and his Blackpool
Tower. It was that music that meed me mooned to tik up the organ - but
that started many years ago in the Rhonda Valley bach.

Orchestra:

'Sospan Bach' motif.

Fx:

Very heavy door rattling door opens.

Milligan:

Hear that sound listeners? A door.

Seagoon:

(coming in) Sospach Bach an...

Mai Jones:

Who's that?

Seagoon:

I just brought your saucepan bach. Ha ha
ha.

Mai Jones:

Oh, it's Neddie son bach back from the pit bach.
You're back from the pit early bach?

Yes, I only entered one. Now Seagoon - tell us,
what is that fifty-ton brass-bound contraption you're driving?

Seagoon:

It's a Wurlitzer.

Moriarty:

We thought it was a mirage.

Seagoon:

A mirage? I've never heard of that make. Ha
ha.

Grytpype:

Gad, what wit. You're not the famous Evelyn
Waugh, are you?

Seagoon:

Heavens no, I wasn't born till 1918.

Grytpype:

Then you must be the famous 1918 Waugh.

Seagoon:

Needle nardle noo.

Grytpype:

Touché.

Seagoon:

Threeché.

Moriarty:

Sabrina.

Cast:

(sharp) Hooray.

Grytpype:

I'm glad two-thirds of us agree. While the
listeners are wondering what this all means - here is Max Geldray to play
his perforated Arab neck twig and steam boot.

Orch:

Max Geldray and Orchestra - "I'm in the mood for
love"

Greenslade:

The Mighty Wurlitzer, Part Two, hip hip.

Cast:

Hooray.

Greenslade:

Ta. It did not take long for Grytpype-Thynne to
realise that Neddie's mighty high-speed organ would make good gun barrels
for the tanks now waiting at Antwerp for shipment to Egypt.

Seagoon:

Mr Grytpype-Thynne and Mr Thin Leg of 1912 took
me to lunch at the swank Hotel des Wogs in Cairo.

Grams:

Eastern Trio.

Grytpype:

Ahh, did you enjoy the meal, Neddie?

Seagoon:

Burp.

Grytpype:

Splendid.

Seagoon:

You ask me why I only play my organ whilst
travelling at speed - or faster - well, I didn't want people to copy my
technique - didn't like them looking over my shoulder - so the answer was,
keep moving.

Moriarty:

You are brilliant - the cleverest idiot I have
met.

Seagoon:

Then you haven't met the man who pumps the organ
- Eccles?

Fx:

Fast coconut shells.

Eccles:

Hello, Neddie. Now is the winter of our
discontent...

Seagoon:

Shut up, Eccles.

Eccles:

Shut, up, Eccles.

Seagoon:

Shut up.

Eccles:

Shut up.

Grytpype:

Sit down, Mr. Eccles. Now that you're here you
can do something useful.

Eccles:

What?

Grytpype:

Go away. No, better still, put this to your head
and pull the trigger.

Fx:

Pistol shot.

Eccles:

Ooooooooh.

Grytpype:

Thank you. Now Neddie, I suppose you're
wondering why we brought you here.

Seagoon:

YOu know, I've been wondering why you brought me
here.

Grytpype:

Neddie, Neddie, we've heard you play the organ
and we don't think you have it.

Seagoon:

Rubbish. Next to Reg Dixon I'm the greatest
player in the world.

Moriarty:

Nonsense, Ena Baga could play better than
you.

Seagoon:

I'd like to hear Ena Baga try it.

Moriarty:

Little tone-deaf lad, I am an authority on organ
playing. You haven't a hope in the world of becoming a great player.

Seagoon:

What! (Sobs) Oh, what a terrible turribule
shock, ten years I've studied organ playing in the Sahara and now...
failure... and sunburn... I ask you... what can I do with my fifty-ton
brass-bound organ?

Grytpype:

May I make a suggestion?

Seagoon:

(suspicious) What?

Grytpype:

Well you could be the first man to break the
world's land speed record in a Wurlitzer.

Seagoon:

I've never heard such a ridiculous idea.

Grytpype:

Neither have I, but there it is.

Moriarty:

Neddie, if you did this thing, it would make Reg
Dixon green with envy lad.

Seagoon:

Mmm, that sounds interesting. What do you say,
Eccles?

Eccles:

Nuttin', I'm dead.

Seagoon:

And it suits you.

Fx:

Pistol.

Eccles:

And it suits you too.

Grytpype:

Stop this crazy-type humour. Answer, do you want
to break the land speed record in a Wurlitzer?

Seagoon:

Alright, what have I to lose?

Moriarty:

Good work, Grytpype, we've got him. Ha ha
ha.

Grytpype and Moriarty:

[singing]"April in Paris, Armaments for
Egypt".

Orchestra:

Rising Chord Link

Seagoon:

By raising an overdraft at the Bank of
Jerusalem. No mean feat in itself. I shipped my organ and its crew to
Daytona beach America for its record run. There we engaged the world's
greatest military organ engineer.

Orchestra:

Bloodnok Theme

Bloodnok:

Whoooaaaaarggghh Slud Ban Dweee, that's
better.

Moriarty:

Don't come near me. (Plot, whisper) Now
Bloodnok, remember, loosen all the nuts and bolts so that when he is
travelling at speed the whole organ falls to pieces.

Bloodnok:

Thank you for telling me the plot. Now, what
about the moolah?

Moriarty:

No money until the sabotage is done.

Bloodnok:

What?? Great steaming heaps of green splat.
(Chicken clucking noise)

Moriarty:

Stop using that foul language.

Seagoon:

Hello, I presume you're Major Bloodnok come to
help me maintain my organ.

Bloodnok:

I am - and how is the Wurlitzer this
morning?

Seagoon:

Running like a bird. [Clucking] and rather
broody - I warmed her up with Handel's Largo - then two laps with Reg
Dixon's Blackpool Nights Medley.

Bloodnok:

What melody are you playing for the record
run?

Seagoon:

Twelfth Street Rag - it's the fastest tune in
the world.

Bloodnok:

Well, to wish you luck I'll have a nip of
brandy. Are you going to have a tiny tot?

Seagoon:

If I did it would be the sensation of the
medical world.

Bloodnok:

Oh, you naughty-type Wurlitzer player you!

Seagoon:

Major, I want you to meet my organ pumper,
Eccles.

Eccles:

Hello, Major.

Bloodnok:

Private Eccles...

Eccles:

Private Eccles

Bloodnok:

...me old batman you remember me, Major
Bloodnok?

Eccles:

I remember you, you're Major Bloodnok. Ha
ha.

Bloodnok:

Aeiough. You must remember the good times we
had?

Eccles:

I remember the good times we had.

Bloodnok:

Remember that Naafi bird?

Eccles:

I remember that Naafi bird.

Bloodnok:

What was her name - Filthy Gladys?

Eccles:

Her name was Filthy Gladys.

Bloodnok:

Course you were too young to enjoy it - oh, but
me and the lads had a wonderful time with her.

Eccles:

Yer, you and the lads had a wonderful time wid
her.

Bloodnok:

Yes; oh, I wonder what became of old Filthy
Gladys.

Eccles:

I married her - and then - and then I
deserted.

Bloodnok:

Deserted? Then why are you wearing that military
medal?

Eccles:

All my clothes are at the laundry.

Bloodnok:

Heavens, you mean they accepted them?

Eccles:

Only for burning.

Bloodnok:

Of course, of course

Seagoon:

Ha ha - all was set, then. Tomorrow, the world's
land speed record for Wurlitzers - in the meantime, Ray Ellington will
play his canvas porridge bin and oiled groin brush.

Orch:

Ray Ellington - "Late Night Final"

Eccles:

OooaarrgghhOoo

Greenslade:

The Mighty Wurlitzer, part the three. Hip
Hip

Cast:

Hooray!

Greenslade:

Ta. Next morning on Daytona Beach a shock was in
store for Neddie.

Fx:

Tapping and filing. Min Sings

Seagoon:

Yes. To my horror a second great organ, the
festival organ, was being prepared for an attack on the world's land speed
record.

Fx:

Tapping and filing. Min Sings

Minnie Bannister:

Bom Bom biddle bo...

Henry:

Stop that sinful sexy crazy American-type modern
rhythm singing

Min:

Ahhh, you're corny buddy. Remember what Jim
Davidson said, get modern in six weeks or get out. [sings] Have you ever
heard two love birds talk, yakka bacca cooo...etc

Henry:

Listen, you mustn't talk like that to me I'm a
friend of Paul Fennelly

Min:

...naughty... [continues singing]

Henry:

Stop it Min, you're driving me into a frenzy of
evil dancing.

Min:

No, I'm not going to stop my rhythm...

Henry and Min:

[Arguing furiously]

{Sudden Stop}

Henry and Min:

[Arguing furiously]

{Sudden Stop}

Henry and Min:

[Arguing furiously]

{Sudden Stop}

Henry:

(hysteria) Stop it I say - ahhhh - stop that
crazy rhythm, you sinful woman - Min - stop it. now let me get on with the
work. Have you cleared that E flat pipe yet?

Another organ trying to break the record. This
is more than fat and bone can stand. Any of you spectators have any
knowledge of that organ?

Bluebottle:

Yes - I have certain knowledges. Large amounts
of your Archers are in the audience. Enter Bluebottle.

Seagoon:

Ah, it is a little cardboard East Finchley
mechanic.

Bluebottle:

Yes.

Seagoon:

Lad lad lad, now tell me, what speed does Mr.
Crun's organ do?

Bluebottle:

No, I shall not telle-d you, I have been sworn
to secrency by Mr. Crunge and Miss Balistrade.

Seagoon:

Lad lad lad, tell me, and these two ounces of
cardboard brandy balls are yours.

Bluebottle:

Oooh, cardboard brandy balls. Thank you. Thinks,
with these type sweets my prestige will increase at school, yes. Eh,
thinks again, if I gave one of them to Winnie Hemp. it might act like a
love filter on her. And then hehhhh ehhh~

So saying, he sprang into Crun's Wurlitzer and
strapped himself to the leather playing seat.

Grams:

Starts up. Drives away.

Moriarty:

Bloodnok, Did you remember to put the bomb
in?

Bloodnok:

Er, let me think, I, I...

Grams:

Explosion.

Greenslade:

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was how Neddie
Seagoon broke the world altitude record for organs. Good Night.

Greenslade:

That was The Goon Show - a BBC recorded
programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with
the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by
Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The
programme was produced by Peter Eton.

Orchestra:

'Crazy Rhythm' playout.

Original transcription and HTML by Kurt Adkins: kurt@thegoonshow.co.ukUpdates by
Paul Webster - 18-December-2001