Congrats, AP—big fucking scoop, for those of us who have been on the ISS this past week. In his interview with Oprah Winfrey taped today (it'll air Thursday and be two hours long and on a channel no one gets), Armstrong confessed to using performance enhancing drugs. This gets a "breaking" from the AP even though, duh.

Now there's absolutely no reason to watch his interview, other than to see how much he squirms. Are there tears? He was "emotional at times," but how much blubbering does that actually entail? Shaking? Snot running down his lips as he hyperventilates like a four-year-old trying to apologize for something really naughty? Be sure to find out Thursday, here on the internet, where the greatest doping scandal of our time gets a fitting conclusion in a series of animated gifs of a Texan crying on a couch.