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About Me

Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog.
My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades!
I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can.
So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Difficulties... Age

So 2 weeks ago, I turned 35... dun dun dun!!!

35 is THAT age when it suddenly becomes much harder to conceive. As my birthday crept up, I'll be honest, thoughts were racing around my head to do with wanting to conceive and the fear of approaching 35... When will the quality of my eggs deteriorate... will it be on the actual day of my birthday?? "Happy Birthday kiddo - we're gonna make it harder for you to conceive!!" Have the quality of my eggs already deteriorated as I drew closer to turning 35, or is it something which will occur over the year I am 35???

I can't say have found any answers to these questions. And I feel sooo helpless because there is nothing I can do about it. I reached 35. I didn't feel any different in my body. And yet, in my mind I know the eggs which my body is releasing are not as good as they were this time last year. Why didn't I try earlier for a child? Why didn't Hubby and I try as soon as we married instead of waiting? Why couldn't we have met earlier!

We didn't have the opportunity really. We moved four months after we married. Then Hubby was working away for three months. Then I started a new job. It never seemed to be the right time. Have we left it too late now? Will Hubby and I have the opportunity to have a child between us, drawing upon both of our characteristics, physical elements and genetic make-up to have a new life created for us to grow, train and encourage?

Who decided 35 was the cut-off age anyway! Why does it have to be 35? Why can't a woman's eggs remain strong whether she is 25, 35 or 45 - until she reaches menopause? Why have my eggs been good quality for 35 years (a baby girl is born with thousands of eggs already in her ovaries, she doesn't produce them on a monthly basis), and start to deteriorate now!!! Seriously... why????

Only God knows the ins and outs of how my body works, and the quality of my eggs. He knows it only takes 1 egg to connect with 1 sperm. Oh Lord, protect the life which is yet to grow within me, please let the egg which finally connects, at the right time with Hubby's little swimmer, be a GOOD QUALITY egg... not one of poor quality!

The Journey

In August 2011, a year after my ex and I were married, we decided we were ready to try for a family. But in 2015, the journey was suddenly ended, and in 2016 we divorced.

Some of you reading this may think, "why keep such a personal blog online?" As I am a writer, I found it easier to write how I felt, and over the years was encouraged to know God used my struggle to offer support to others who read my posts.

For a subject which is often still taboo among Christians, because of the huge challenge to our faith, and our idea of who God is, I have decided to keep this blog online, knowing that my fears, my thoughts, my frustrations still remain today, even though I find myself single again.

The purpose of this blog originally was as an outlet to formulate into words my inner thoughts. It has since become a tool God uses for people like you walking through the loneliness of infertility.

May you find hope and encouragement, even if it's just in knowing you're not alone.