CAmom.........wondering about you, too.

How are things going for your family now that the holidays
are behind you? I hope there is reason to be hopeful.

The funny thing is how something totally unrelated to your
personal life can have an impact. Last night I was a bit tense waiting for my easy child/difficult child to call for a pick up. THEN on
the television I saw the news that two kidnapped teens had
been located alive. I'm not sure which story "grabbed me"
more. The older boy who after four plus years has likely been altered for life through no fault of his own...or the
younger boy who was a perfect easy child until he was abducted and
now??? Only God knows if these kids will be able to live a
normal life or not.

With all the pain and fear that each of us has experienced
with s.a. issues, we have to remember to be thankful that our kids are alive and have only been victimized by their
own choices. Their chances for recovery are proportionally
greater. They chose the road they are on. They can choose
a different road. Nobody has forced them into anything.

I also saw the news about the two kidnapped boys. My husband and I had been out of the country in Mexico for a week for our anniversary and, while there, saw again firsthand the extreme hardship many of the people in that country deal with on a day-to-day basis. That, alone, makes us feel grateful for the bounty and opportunity most of us in the U.S. have available. It also made me stop and think about how much of that bounty and opportunity our son has wasted in his short life so far. He has never had to beg on street corners wearing filthy and tattered clothing as so many of the children we saw must do just to survive. So, relatively speaking, we've got it made, despite our trials and tribulations.

Our son is doing as well as can be expected, given who he is and his situation. He's still pushing the limits to some extent, i.e., when we were there last weekend, he asked to use my cell phone to call the program coordinator so that he could ask to go shopping for a jacket he wanted. Apparently, the easy child, because our son is on a 30-day "blackout" for being on the grounds with three boys smoking cigarettes a couple of days before Christmas, wasn't in much of a hurry to take him shopping at that moment and said "no." As it turned out, our son shouldn't have been calling him on our cell phone for any reason much less to go on a shopping expedition, and he knew this. However, considering how many much more serious situations have occurred at the home he is in, i.e, boys running away, sneaking in drugs and alcohol, etc., things could be much worse.

The good news is that I've gradually been able to separate myself somewhat from his actions and their consequences including the one I mentioned above. He's also decided that he doesn't need to call us every day. In his words: "Mom, I'm going to be 18 in seven months--I'm helping you get used to not hearing from me every day." Well, of course, I know very well that this is probably very self-serving on his part, but, oh well, he's right, and I DO need to let him go as he's living his own life, at least temporarily, apart from us at this point.

Hi Camom. Does it sound like you difficult child is settling in? Sure sounds like the honeymoon period is over and now the testing period has come. Maybe soon the guess I did wrong and better change my tune period will follow.

Glad to hear you and husband went on a vacation. The getaway probably did you a world of good.

Thanks, Sunny, I can't TELL you how many times I picked up the phone to cancel that trip. As a matter of fact, I DID cancel it once but then rescheduled.

Yes, I'd say my son is settling in. His pattern has always been to behave like an angel for the first couple of weeks in any new situation, but, then, when he's feeling more comfortable, he begins to question the rules and try to manipulate just about anything that doesn't suit him. In this case, he's decided that one very grim (I have to agree) staff member should be fired because, as he says, "If he liked his job, he'd act like it, and, since he obviously hates it, he's a bad example for us and shouldn't be working in a place like this." He's done analyses of how certain things are handled differently in his house as opposed to a couple of the other houses this youth service organization runs and has confronted his easy child with what he feels are those inequalities. Other than the fact that his easy child undoubtedly finds him a major pain in the
a-s, he's following the rules. If anything, they may send him home early just to get rid of him.

That's another reason why I've had to back off emotionally because there is absolutely no way I can smooth his way this time, nor should I try at his age. I must say that, now that I can accept this emotionally in addition to intellectually, I feel as though a load has been lifted from my shoulders and placed onto his where it belongs.

I hope that your difficult child can take his need to control things and take control of his life. He has relied on you and your husband too long now. It's amazing how they can see the problems with what everyone else does, huh? "He's done analyses of how certain things are handled differently in his house as opposed to a couple of the other houses this youth service organization runs and has confronted his easy child with what he feels are those inequalities." Looks like he hasn't conquered his entitlement issues yet.

[ QUOTE ]
there is absolutely no way I can smooth his way this time, nor should I try at his age. I must say that, now that I can accept this emotionally in addition to intellectually, I feel as though a load has been lifted from my shoulders and placed onto his where it belongs.

Kat, no, he sure hasn't. I've listened to him and been amazed that, considering he's in...HELLO...a GROUP HOME!, he feels he has any say-so whatsoever about anything and doesn't simply keep his mouth shut like any rational person would do!! Then, again, he never concerns himself much with annoying things like facts...

I just WISH he'd take that energy and drive and use it for something positive. We've tried to encourage this his entire life, but he just hasn't gotten it.

I have to sit back and actually giggle at your response at your sons responses. Do you realize how much you have changed? You have graduated to a true warrior mom and successfully mastered detachment 101.

"Hello, A group HOME!" Im loving it...dying laughing here. I have said that too many times to count.

Thanks for the promotion, Janet!! I feel lucky to have been blessed with a pretty good sense of humor which, along with my husband's unflappable nature and the support from all of you, I believe has saved my sanity many times through this ordeal!

Karen, thank you. I DO feel proud of myself, but I still have that little niggling doubt about how strong and "stick-to-your-guns" I'd be able to be if my son were actually here, pushing all those buttons, as opposed to out of our home.

"I still have that little niggling doubt about how strong and "stick-to-your-guns" I'd be able to be if my son were actually here, pushing all those buttons, as opposed to out of our home. "

Believe me you will find that out soon enough. Right now enjoy the calm and take the time to get stronger. Glad you had a nice Vacation. I too was amazed at the poverty I saw when I visited Mexico. Ug if our kids only knew. -RM

Yes, you've certainly earned your warrior mom suit. You have come a long way from your first few posts. You sound good - putting the blame back on your son's shoulders, where it belongs. It's not easy. As mothers, we always want to protect our children from pain, but when they are the ones doing it to themselves (and to us), it's time to step back and let them own it.

What I wouldn't give to go back to those 2 a.m. feedings and change whatever it would have taken in our lives for our difficult child to not end up where he did, but I guess I have also learned enough to know that nothing we could have done would have changed anything.

My only real regret, in terms of "would'a, should'a, could'a" is that we (mostly I...) didn't allow our son to learn that there were consequences associated with his behavior and actions rather than trying to protect him from feeling "sad" or "damaging his self esteem" by trying to fix things to make his path through life smoother.

I see now how selfish this was of me because who I was really protecting was myself because I couldn't bear to see him sad. The result is that he never really learned to take responsibility for his own behavior and actions and that he would be held accountable.

I only HOPE it isn't too late and that wiser people than I are successful in making sure that he learns this in the next six months or so.

You have learned a lot about yourself and you've come a long long way. I spent many years doing the same and I thank god that I learned that about myself because I know my difficult child wouldn't be doing as well as he is now if I hadn't learned to step back and allow him to learn and grow from his mistakes. We think we are doing them good, when we are actually doing them so much harm without even realizing it.