What happens when a human is merged with a blowfrog and several vats of pure, unfiltered lard then attempts to commit a crime? This mugshot of Santa Ana’a Victor Espinoza.

Santa Ana Police Department

According to police reports, Espinoza attempted to abduct a 10-year-old on his way to soccer practice.

Child abduction stories are not typically fun. But this blurb from KTLA’s article is priceless.

When the suspect saw the coach [while grabbing the 10-year-old], he attempted to flee and was tackled by the coach in the street.

You think you can smuggle a 10-year-old in your 425-pound face jowels? Not the worst idea if you’re into such terrible crimes. But did this Indiana Jones boulder of a man really think he could RUN AWAY from a soccer coach? My God. This guy’s biggest crime is a lack of self awareness. And being a pelican. Both of those are probably misdemeanors

Espinoza was charged with suspicion of false imprisonment, child annoyance, and for being a documented gang member.