1. I hate that I feel the need to vent like this2. I Hate that I'm bring MS down with my sh*t3. I hate that I was an expect at giving head at 4 or 6 years old4. I hate that I don't know exactly how old I was whenit started5. I hate that my brothers used me as a sex toy6. I hate that all my teddy bears had vaginas or arseholes and I was taught to f*ck them 7. I hate that my middle brother and his friend thought it was ok to 'include' me in their sex games8. I hate that they tried to have anal sex with me9. I hate that they couldn't get their d*cks in10. I hate that I was sad when they couldn't11. I hate that it was normal12. I hate that my parents said it was just boys being boys13. I hate that I believed them14. I hate that I'm getting aroused typing this15. I hate myself16. I hate that at 10 my best friend wanted to play doctor and that he liked what he found when he pulled down my pants17. I hate what that turned into for years after that18. I hate that it feels like my fault even though he was older19. I hate that I liked it20. I hate that when I told my brother what my friend was doing he said it was ok and I should keep doing it with him21. I hate that I wasn't beaten22. I hate that I wanted to be beaten23. I hate that I don't hate my brothers24. I hate that I don't blame them25. I hate that I blame myself...sometimes26. I hate that I like being the victim27. I hate that I want to tell everyone what happened to me so they will feel sorry for me28. I hate that I hate that I can't get an erection when I want to29. I hate that I get them when I'm sleeping30. I HATE that I get them when wrestling my 6 yer old son31. I hate that I feel like a phedophile32. I hate that I was sad when they stopped abusing me33. I hate that I went out looking for other men to abuse me34. I hate that I found them35. I hate that I liked it36. I hate that men found/find me attractive37. I hate that even though I purposely put on weight and 'let myself go' they still find me attractive38. I hate that I wish I had a 6 pack again39. I hate that my own reflection turns me on40. I hate that men turn me on41. I hate that I'm not a better Christian42. I hate that I'm still trying to stop acting out in my own strength43. I hate that it feels like God let it happen44. I hate that porn makes it all feel better...for a while45. I hate that sometimes I MB 4 tiems a day46. I hate that I have no self control47. I hate that I believe in God48. I hate that I know he loves me49. I hate that I feel like I've let him down50. I hate that I'm thinking this stuff51. I hate that people rely on my52. I hate that I have fooled people into thinking I'm a nice guy53. I hate that I can't drop my bundle54. I hate getting up at 5am every morning55. I hate not getting any days off (hardly any)56. I hate that I hate myself so much57. I hate that I want to cut myself sometimes58. I hate that I want to do worse sometimes59. I hate that I have people who love me60. I hate that I'm not more grateful for the people that love me61. I hate that I feel stupid62. I hate that I feel people just tolerate me63. I hate that I'm not one of the guys64. I hate that I suck at sports65. I hate that noone ever played ball with me66. I hate that I haven't played ball with my kids very much67. I hate that it feels like my wife doesn't desire me68. I hate that I don't always make her feel desired69. I hate that our sex life isn't great70. I hate that I've let her down71. I hate that I'm a broken man72. I hate that I've been unfaithful73. I hate that I didn't realise that until it was too late74. I hate that it felt like it was ok because it is just what boys do75. I hate that I have to tell her76. I hate that it will break her heart77. I hate that I'm trying to make it to 10078. I hate that she will probably hate me too79. I hate that I love her so much80. I hate that I've hurt her81. I hate that I'm crying now82. I hate that I'm suck a whimp83. I hate that I hate my reflection84. I hate what I look like85. I hate that I look like them86. I hate that I'm getting older87. I hate that I've wasted my life with this sh*t88. I hate that my abuse wasn't worse - so I would feel more justified being so screwed up89. I hate that I feel I deserved to be punished90. I hate that I went through puberty early91. I hate that the doctor liked to look at it and touch it92. I hate that she got my mother to come and look too93. I hate that my dad didn't like me94. I hate that my mum used me as an emotional crutch95. I hate that they wanted a girl96. I hate that they treated me like a girl97. I hate that my name can be either a boy or a girl name98. I hate that I still feel like a little kid on the inside99. I hate that I don't know who I am100. I hate that I change who I am depending on who I'm around101. I hate that I went past 100102. I hate that I even change the way I think103. I hate that I am so confused104. I hate that I I'm so weak willed105. I hate that I'm a real cameleon - the way I look the way I talk106. I hate that I care what other people think of me107. I hate that I don't care enough what my wife thinks of me108. I hate That I don't care what God thinks of me109. I hate that I'm so angry110. I hate that I'm so tired111. I hate that I can't sleep112. I hate that you wasted your time reading this113. I hate that I am still going to press Submit114. I hate that I need medication to function115. I hate that I forgot what I was about to type

117. I hate that it took me a couple of hours to remember what I forgot118. I hate that I didn't get that eyebrow ring when I was younger119. I hate that I didn't get those tattoos - so people would know to stay away from me120. I hate that deep down I knew what they did to me was wrong - but I still liked the attention121. I hate that I kidded myself into thinking that it was ok to 'play' with men while I was married. It is what boys do...122. I hate that I didn't delete all this123. i hate that I have let down you guys at MS by bringing this sh*t here.

124. I hate that when i kiss my wife sometimes I get the sensation of a c*ck in my mouth125. I hate that I learned to stick my willy in anything it would fit in or if not make a hole for it to fit in126. I hate that that included animals127. I hate that I learned to stick anything up my arse that would fit.....128. I hate that I just said how perverted I had become.129. I hate that I looked like my avatar when the abuse started (but with blonde hair) - so innocent130. I hate that it freaks me out when my wife touches me there131. I hate that it freaks me out if a man touches anywhere (if I'm not ready)

Sorry but I feel like I need to finish the list.132. I hate that I am addicted to gay porn133. I hate that there are pornographic images of me on the net134. I hate that someone I know may have seen them135. I hate that I still let my brother put me down and make me feel inferior (even though I am now taller, better looking, better built, more successful, happier and have a bigger one)136. I hate that even if I did decide I was gay I feel like I'm too old to be gay now137. I hate that I feel like this and have to pretend that everything is ok.138. I hate that I feel like my friends wouldn't like me anymore if they knew what I was really like139. I hate that I've seen so many penises140. I hate that I wasn't clever enough to write this in iambic pentameter and post it in the poetry section.

142. I hate that I was addicted to pain killers at 14143. I hate that I faked Appendicitis at 10 to get attention144. I hate that I've had dreams about my kids giving me head (more like nightmares)145. I hate that I don't know how to love without it being sexual

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