Sunday, June 21, 2015

The Weekly Diary: 15th - 19th June

Turns out the United Kingdom Independence Party know bugger all about unity

Monday 15th
June

What excitement there has been.
Some people have lived to fight another day, whilst others have been cruelly
cast aside, perhaps never to be seen again, and even I’m not sure whether I’m
talking about the Season Finale of Game
of Thrones, or the Labour Leadership Race.

Jeremy Corbyn has made it onto
the ballot, having received sufficient nominations with but seconds remaining
until the deadline, which drove the Westminster Press Corps batty with
excitement. However, this was as nothing to the visit of Lionel Richie to Parliament. He looked a little lost, but no-one knows who he was looking for.
(Boom! Boom! Thank you. I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.)

Tuesday 16th June

American Presidential Election
news, now, and the news, my friends, is joyous. By which I mean it’s
terrifying, but the road to hell is paved with laughter.

There are more Republicans
running for President than FIFA Officials running from the Feds. They include
Rick Santorum (an anti-gay politician whose name has been made synonymous with
a by-product of buggery), Rick Perry (the former Governor of Texas who crashed
out of the last campaign by forgetting what he was saying and trying to
cover-up with the masterly utterance of “Oops”), and now Donald Trump.

Yes, Donald Trump: the man who
tried to trademark the phrase “You’re fired”. He also said “Part of the beauty
of me is that I am very rich” and of a recent President he remarked “He lost
the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in
this country!”

Now, you might think that he was
referring to George W. Bush, who was the last President not to win the popular
vote in 2000. But, no. He was talking about the last President who undoubtedly
won the election. You know the one he means. The black one.

Of course, it’s unfair to infer
that the President’s colour had any impact on Mr Trump’s views, even though he’s
accepted that he probably once said “Black guys counting my money! I hate it,”
and that “laziness is a trait in blacks”.

But, on the other hand, he has a
big tower. And fabulous hair which I’m sure is as genuine as he was when he
said "I have a great relationship with the blacks. I've always had a great
relationship with the blacks."

Wednesday 17th June

This evening saw the first Labour
Leadership Hustings, where the four candidates all passed the initial test of
being better on camera than Ed Miliband. As such, the focus rather surprisingly
turned to policy. Jeremy Corbyn spoke for Old Labour, Liz Kendall spoke for New
New Labour, Andy Burnham spoke for whatever seemed most opportune at the time,
and Yvette Cooper spoke for none of the above. If you fancy a flutter, back the
none of the above candidate.

Thursday 18th June

Suzanne Evans, who became
prominent during the election as a Ukipper who seemed, well, normal, gave an
interview to the BBC’s Daily Politics,
in which she said of party leader Nigel Farage: “I think Nigel is a very
divisive character in terms of the way he is perceived. He is not divisive as a
person but the way he is perceived in having strong views that divide people.”

Mr Farage heard this and felt
that the best way to prove that he was not divisive in this way was to sack the
woman for having an even moderately dissenting view.

An e-mail was sent out to all
Ukippers saying that no-one was to have any further contact with her, that she
was not to be put out as a party “spokesman” (the “man” being a nice, Farage
touch), and that she was not to be briefed or advised. The e-mail was forwarded
to the BBC, presumably by a UKIP staffer committed to the sort of unity only
UKIP can provide.

Friday 19th June

News filters through that Suzanne
Evans has not been sacked. This means that UKIP have a leader who “unresigned”,
an advisor in the form of Matthew Richardson who “unquit”, and now a senior
figure who has been “unsacked”.

Those who have left the party remain bullish
however, with former advisor Raheem Kassam having recently described the
campaign to get Nigel Farage elected in South Thanet as thee “single best
campaign ever, ever in British politics, bar maybe the Bradford spring”. Of
course, the official UKIP description of that result was that it was a seat
that they “unwon”.Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense. Though every Donald Trump quote is verifiable.