Category Archives: Exercise

I love working out. I’ve been working out regularly (5-6 days a week) for over a year and a half now. Sometimes I go by myself, sometimes I take my kids because they love to go to the child-care center (and why wouldn’t they, it’s like a damn Chuck E. Cheese in there).

There are many “regulars”, people I see all the time. We’re friendly and when I don’t see them I wonder why they aren’t there. I am friendly with some of the trainers and they’ve JUST about given up asking me if I want a session with them for the very nominal fee of $300 Gazillion dollars an hour. I chat with people. It’s a camaraderie.

When I can’t work out, I become…ornery. It’s like a high; endorphins to be exact. I almost always leave the gym feeling 100 times better than when I went in.

But sometimes when you least expect it, it’s…it’s….stressful.

I’m just going to cut to the chase. Here are some embarrassing things can happen to people at the gym:

FALLING OFF THE MACHINES: Mostly on treadmills, but also on the ellipticals. (Not so much on the bikes, you know, cuz you’re sitting down). It’s possible to go cartoon-flying off the back of a treadmill or more likely, when you try to slow down and think it’s stopping – but it’s not. Then you can fall off. Same with ellipticals. And of course everyone pretends not to notice, but some go home and write about it on their blog.

FULL DISCLOSURE: Recently I fell off an elliptical when I was fumbling around with my iPod and trying to grab my towel at the same time. I was going pretty hard, lost my balance and fell off the side onto my ass. I’m pretty sure you can find this on YouTube by searching: “What a Dipshit”

SPIT-TAKES: You know, it’s not easy to literally run, bike or elliptical your ass off and drink water at the same time. You need to be very coordinated, making sure that your bobbing-motion times well with getting the bottle-opening to your mouth in a seamless fashion. When that doesn’t happen….well, let the “Three’s Company”-style-spit-taking commence. Or maybe it just goes down the wrong pipe, so coughing and choking ensue. And if you’re moving fast…the situation can snowball…which means you might get to the perform the Olympic-caliber combo called the “Double-Gag-Choke-Spit-Half-Gaynor-With-A Wipeout”.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I once mis-timed my bobbing-motion with the water bottle so badly, that not only did I spill half the bottle all over myself, but I choked so hard on the little that actually went into my mouth, I nearly barfed. I’m pretty sure you can find this on YouTube by searching: “What a Dipshit”.

ELECTRONICA-GYMNASIOSUM: “Electronica-Gymnasiosum” is what I define as “The spastic, un-coordinated grabbing of hand-held electronic devices which results in the random, unexpected winging of iPhones, iPods and the like while on a moving exercise machine”. It’s a combination of losing your balance, possibly hitting the ear-phone cord which acts as a catapult… and maybe sweating, which causes the electronic devices to become slippery. You’re moving along nicely, listening to Led Zeppelin, and the next thing you know you innocently pick up your iPhone and try to text your friend, you lose your balance, hit the ear-phone-catapult-cord and suddenly your device is gone and someone 10 feet away yells out “What…the…FUCK!”

FULL DISCLOSURE: Recently I had a really bad itch on my right thigh. I tried to ignore it so I could hold onto the handles of the elliptical machine, but it got so annoying that I got pissed and released the right handle, then forcefully brought my right hand down to scratch my thigh – I’m thinking with the force of a jack hammer. My iPod was then catapulted backward two rows (“…what the FUCK!”) and the earphones ripped out of my ears sending them to the machine next to me, and I lost my balance. I was, however, able to prevent completely falling off – and hung onto the machine by grabbing the left handle with just the thumb and forefinger on my left hand (the Half-Gaynor). I’m pretty sure you can find this on YouTube by searching: “What a Dipshit”.

These are just a few. I really could write all day about the embarrassing things that happen to people at the gym.