I need a vacation. A real vacation, not a "blow all your money flying around the US to visit people who can't be bothered to make the trip to see you" fake vacation that leaves a man feeling as empty and unfulfilled as buying socks that turn out to be far too large.

Wow, desjadins pretty much stated it for me, except that I already did the litter box. It's nice outside, the wild birdfeeders need to be refilled, and I don't wanna. Blah. Plus, I need to pee and I really don't want to get off the couch. Double blah.

The same job recruiter who told me to buy a car so I could commute to a job too far to go by train (how fucking presumptuous can you get) just asked me if I'd be willing to work in Bristol! When I told her it would take me about four hours to get there by train, she was astounded. I politely told her to look at a map.

I'm feeling quite restless, which I really shouldn't be, considering the fact that I just got back from an amazing long weekend spent with my college roomie in NY. I've been screwing around on travel websites and dreaming about going away for a few weeks or something, but I really don't have the money for that or the desire to take that much time off work.

I'm having second thoughts on everything. I'm torn between what I'm supposed to want to do and what I think my heart is telling me to do. I can't make decisions like this. I'm not objective enough.

My mother is all up in my business because she thinks she knows better. I think she's just looking for something to be angry at me about aside from the whole car issue. Once again, the whole what I'm supposed to want versus what I think my heart is trying to convince me to do.

You know how when someone well and truly fucks you over, and then they go away, thank god, and you never have to deal with them any more and all their shit and lying and lack of respect for your basic humanity and deceit and contempt is gone? You know how that's a huge sisyphean boulder for what feels like forever and ever until one day, it's just gone. You're no longer trying not to think of the white bear, you just aren't? You know how nice that is?

Doesn't it just suck donkey balls when the fucker comes back and expects you to do him a favor?

I don't want to go to the dentist. I don't want to go to my annual physical and discuss the possibility of taking psych meds. I don't want to take an aspirin for my headache. I don't want to get headaches. I don't want to give up Smartfood. I want my body to stay the way it is and give me no troubles, with no need for difficult and tedious maintenance issues.

Went to a class called Bootcamp at the Y last night. It was great. I felt virtuous.

After class I ran into my good friend L at the water fountain. She suggested we go to Chili's. I drank many Mich Ultras. I feel like shit. Why after all of that good exercise did I go to Chili's for tortilla soup and many beers? Puke.

Now it's 11:30 and I'm still not dressed and my house is still messy because we went to the beach yesterday. I feel like escaping again and I will have to convince this family that we need to get out and they will say something like, "No, Mom. We went to the beach and Home Depot yesterday. We're tired."

I have bills to pay, a ton of 41 cent stamps to use up...I KNOW I have several sheets of penny stamps to make up the difference and I can't find them.
I didn't do everything I wanted to do in Switzerland and don't want to be back in NY.
There was a gorgeous big man sitting next to me on the plane home, but he was wearing a wedding ring. :-(

I don't want to have to move into the Holiday Inn, but looking at the mess in here, it's unlivable although, thank goodness, the toilet, with a separate water supply, still flushes, or I'd have been knocking on a neighbour's door.

I don't want to have to go to work five days in the office this week.

I don't want to have to use our new case management system. The past two days I've achieved hardly anything in terms of output because it's so cumbersome. Now, instead of two clicks to do something, there's a whole series of menus to go through with drop-down 'yes/no' menus (not even ones you can use keyboard shortcuts with) before you can do anything. It's too much mouse work and my hand hurts.

Live mice bite...the Boy works with them, they are unpleasant (although it's understandable from the mouse's point of view).

I don't want to analyze my data.
I don't want to process the images and make figures, I want someone to do it for me.
I don't want to have to spend another semester here, but I will, because I have to in order to get my stupid letter after my stupid name.

Amigo the caterpillar became a butterfly today! It was very exciting. Unfortunately, his wings haven't opened properly. He's not going to be able to fly. My choices are to set him outside and let nature take its course or try to feed him sugar water for the rest of his life. But what kind of life is living in a plastic shoebox? I think it's kinder to him (and my sensitive daughter who loves him) to just set him on a flower tomorrow AM and let him have his time in the sun. Then I'll move him to another part of the garden before my girl gets home and let her think he flew away.

When the caterpillar leaves the chrysalis, it hangs upside down and pumps its wings to dry them off and harden. Unfortunately, for some reason, he just couldn't do that successfully and they never completely unfurled. If they don't harden correctly right away, there's nothing you can do.

My daughter keeps talking about how exciting it must be to fly for the first time after being stuck in the chrysalis for so long and how she hopes he makes friends in Mexico. Meanwhile, the poor butterfly is lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom of his cage. I don't know what the kind thing to do is. Euthanasia? Setting him outside? I just don't know.

Ugh. No more living things in this house. I'm putting my foot down. No more goldfish funerals or flightless butterflies. I'm tired of shedding tears over things that I would normally eat or squash! (Not that I would squash a butterfly, but I've crunched a scary bug or two.)