The Mets Are Giving Away Fedoras and Must Be Stopped

Sometimes an institution does something so egregious that it demands action from every able-bodied and willing citizen. People must protest. Angry letters must be written. The will of the people must be known. This is one such time. On May 16th, the New York Mets are giving away fedoras to their crowd.

What kind of demon organization would inject 45,000 free fedoras into the population of New York? This cannot stand. So if you are going to the Mets game on Saturday, I’ve developed a foolproof way you can help keep our nation’s greatest city safe from the plight of neckbearded humiliation.

Step One: Hand your ticket to the ticket taker.

Step Two: Receive your free fedora.

Step Three: Throw your fedora in the trash can.

Step Four: Climb on top of a condiment cart and loudly make a speech to encourage everyone else to throw their fedoras away too.

Step Five: Enjoy the game on TV once you’ve been kicked out of the ballpark for making a scene.

And with that you will have done your part to secure New York City against the evil that is the fedora. Thank you and stay safe out there.

(Note: Please just politely decline the fedora and don’t follow the above steps.)