"You alone we worship, and You alone we ask for help. Guide us to the straight path. The Path of those whom you You have bestowed Your Grace, Not of those who have earned Your Anger, nor of those who went astray" Al-Fatihah 1:5-7

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According to Imam Al Qurtubi in his magnum opus (الجامع الأحكام القرآن – The Accumulated Legislations of the Quran), Al Fatihah has 12 names (some by consensus but others are considered attributes) whilst other scholars of Quranic exegesis have illustrated others. Below is a list of names that are mentioned in some books of Tafseer including Imam Al-Qurtubi’s.

1. The Opening of the Book (فاتحة الكتاب)

لا صلاة لمن لم يقرأ بفاتحة الكتاب

There is no (valid) prayer for the one who does not read the opening (chapter) of the Book (Quran) – Sahih Al-Bukhari & Muslim

2. Mother of the Book or Mother of the Quran (أم الكتاب وأم القرآن):

كل صلاة لم يقرأ فيها بأم القرآن فهي خِداج

Every prayer which doesn’t have the mother of the book recited within it is premature (incomplete) – Sahih Muslim

3. The Foundation/Crux (الأساس)

The crux of books is the Quran, The crux of the Quran is the opening (Al Fatihah) of the Quran, the crux of fatihah is بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم، so if your inflicted with ailment or complaint then it is incumbent upon you to seek remedy and you will be cure by Allah The Most Exaulted’s authorisation. (Imam As-Suyuti in Ad-Dar Al-Manthur and Imam Ibnu Katheer’s in Al Bidayah)

Imam Al Qurtubi narrates the Hadith in his magnum opus when the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) describes what Allah says in the famous Hadith Qudsi “I have divided the prayer between myself and my servant in two halves…” – Hadith in Sahih Muslim

“قصمت الصلاة بيني وبين عبدي قصمين”

12. The Perfect (complete) (الوافية)

According to Imam Sufyan in Uyanah “For verily it (Al Fatihah) cannot be halved and there is no possibility for its reduction (in recitation during prayer), if someone was to recite half of any of the other chapters (In the Quran) in one unit of prayer and the other half in the second unit thus they would consequently be rewarded but if they were to segmentise Al Fatihah into two units then they will not be rewarded.

13. The Sufficient (الكافية)

Yahya bin Abi Katheer said “It is sufficient from other than it and anything else is insufficient without it”.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said “The mother of the Quran is copious from other than it and anything else other than it (Al-Fatihah) is non-auxiliary”. (Dar-Al-Qutani in Sunan)

In 1996, Flight 595 crashed violently into the Florida everglades killing all passengers & crew onboard the flight.1 Investigation of the tragic incident was met with worldwide media attention when it was later discovered that amongst the many improvised standard operating procedures1, an undetected fire had exploded in the cargo compartment and had swiftly raged into the cabin1. The colloquial phrase ‘to err is human’ is best reflected by the qoute:

‘If you want to prevent mistakes you recognise that humans are always going to be error prone, and so you try to design error proof systems’7

Professor Lucian Leape [Harvard School of Public Health]7

Once people err, a paroxysm of psychological vehemence floods into the human psyche with a combination of anger & embarrassment1, but in most cases these lack the foresight into the long term repercussions of such performances, which could potentially be devastating especially to those who had no prior congruity per se1. Whilst the advancement of technology has radically changed our framework of engagement and functioning, it still needs to be acknowledged that the Achilles heel that remains within the methodology is the lack of immunity of people that operate such systems who are still fallible to mistakes1.

The world of healthcare is far from veracious to error. Currently the World Health Organisation (WHO) reports that at least 1 in 10 patients are harmed in highly financed and technologically astute medical facilities in the first world2. The Institute of Medicine (IOM) estimates that 1.5 million patients in the United States experience an adverse drug event each year, which is approximately at least one death every day. In 1999, the IOM estimated that there were roughly 98,000 preventable hospitable patient deaths3. The UK National Patient Safety Agency reports medication errors in intensive care over a period of 12 months: that roughly 2428 out of 12,084 incidents were associated with medication use involving >350 different drugs9. 61% of medication incidents were associated with drug administration9 and 5% of medication incidents were associated with staff miscommunication during transfer from theatre or recovery9.

In Ireland ~6785 medication incidents6 were reported in 2008 as illustrated in figure 16. A publication by the Irish Medical Journal states that 6179 reports were received in total over a period of one year from 8 Irish hospitals10. 95% of reports did not involve patient harm. 47% of the error reports related to the prescribing stage of the medication use process and 9% to the pharmacy dispensing stage.10

Pir Mohammed et al have investigated that 29.6% of adverse drug reactions were from NSAIDs alone14. Therefore it is imperative to explore a wholelistic analysis upon the causes & comprehension of such setbacks and elucidate strategies in overcoming these challenges.

In a study conducted in Nottingham, error reporting rates from community pharmacies ranged from 0.2%–1.9% from 32 403 items dispensed in that timeframe24. Another paper assessed that nursing and pharmacy staff members are likely to believe they will be blamed and criticised for an error, although they are still more likely to report an error than are doctors.25 As part of effective risk management it is also extremely important to establish a reporting culture where these type of mistakes are documented , otherwise without a detailed analysis of mishaps, incidents and near misses institutions will have no way of uncovering recurrent error traps or of knowing where the flaw is until the inevitable occurs. It is hoped that sharing the learning from local medication safety incident and near miss reporting can result in raised awareness of the importance of the issue and the need to take steps to improve medication use processes nationally to minimise future risk to patients.

Models of Errors

(i) The Swiss cheese Model of Error

According to Professor Reason4 the human error problem can be judged according to an individualistic person approach and as an organisational pattern. Both models of error present distinctive features of critique within each cogitative framework.4

The person approach primarily focuses on individual enervation and protocol offences within the organisational edifice based upon individual circumstances which can range from apathy, negligence, incompetence, unenlightened to standard procedures with counteracting measures taken to overcome them4. On the other hand the system approach acknowledges the limitations of human intervention but focuses more on the organisational pitfalls & environmental work factors that contributed to subsequent chain of events that ultimately lead to medication errors.4

The Swiss cheese error model of system accidents illustrated in figure 24 is metaphorical of defensive layers within a system that would in normal circumstances prevent miscalculations;4 active & latent conditions can cause transitional adjacent fallacious layers that allow the passage of hazards thereby causing consequential damage. Active acts being unsafe actions undertaken by people such as protocol violation: whereas latent acts being factors that lie dormant within the system for extensive time frames and fusing with active mistakes to cause resulting adversity. 4

Several documented reports have highlighted the need for system reforms: The Cambridgeshire Inquiry 200012 discussed about the fatal consequences of methotrexate overdose in a patient with rheumatoid arthritis. Post-hospital discharge the patient was inadvertently prescribed 10mg once daily by her GP12, which was subsequently dispensed by a locum pharmacist. Continuous latent & active factors combined resulted in the hospitalisation of the patient and ultimately their death by methotrexate toxicity12. In hindsight it is unwise to simply conclude the causative effects simply due to human errors because the incident is encrusted by a far more complicated chain of human, methodological, structural & social interactions that have aligned consecutively to allow the penetration of the adverse accident8. Data provided by NHS Litigation Authority claims and literature review with respect to methotrexate usage over a ten year period in the UK highlights that 137 adverse incidents were identified, of which 25 had died as a result, and 26 in serious harm requiring hospitalisation.13

Recommendations from the inquiry with regards to preventing such risks from reoccurring include special warning indication, standard operating procedures to be in place in pharmacies when dispensing cytotoxics, manufacturer consideration of changing the packaging of different strength methotrexate.

The person approach is slightly myopic by its primary focus on the individual origins of error it isolates unsafe acts from their system context. Hence why two very distinct attributes is overlooked: firstly, anyone within the system is prone to error and secondly mishaps are bound to happen in an analogous sequence. Therefore an identical array of deviations can potentially reoccur given the same set of conditions. Evidence to this was the 2007 incident in which the newborn twins of Dennis Quaid were among three patients who were given 1000 times the prescribed dose of heparin15. Interestingly one year later up to 17 infants in a NICU in Texas were subject to heparin overdose caused by a similar mixing error which again reinforces the idea that clinicians and hospital systems need to examine current practices and make appropriate changes to risk-prone practice patterns and system processes.15

The Swiss Cheese Model does however have its substantial variability in interpretations to individuals as to what the various features of the model represent. The strangest notion appears to be the representation of the medical error itself.16, 17 One of the criticisms of the model is insufficiently specificity regarding the nature of the holes in the cheese and their inter-relationships.16, 17 One needs to know what these system failures or “Swiss cheese holes” are, so that they can be identified during accident investigations or better yet, detected and corrected before an accident occurs.16,17 But with the diversity of subjective views it raises pertinent questions about the current status of a “culture of safety” among quality and safety professionals.16,17 Until there is an overwhelming majority or consensus on what the model means, the emergence and dissemination of a shared culture of safety may prove difficult. The model is almost too successful in placing emphasis on systemic causes of patient harm, as opposed to an individual’s failure.16, 17

(ii) The SHELL Model of Error

The SHEL model examines more upon the analysis & impact of human resources into health care system, the models illustrates the interrelationship of three types of resources and their facilitating environment (E) as illustrated18. The concept is named after the initials of the components: software (s), hardware (H), and liveware (L). It was indicatively devised and augmented to advance aviation exercises and to elucidate the fundamentals of organisational administration in Ariel navigation, it is frequently cited in the investigations of calamities and misadventures19.

Liveware consists of the all the human components of the system that interacts dynamically with the other components of the model: such as the medical physician, pharmacists, nurses, the patient and everyone that interacts throughout the patient care process.19 Software includes all of the protocols, regulations, standard operating procedures (SOPs), and policies that are followed within a working environment.18 Hardware encompasses all the medical devices, operating machines, surgical instruments, diagnostic equipment, theatre or computer system that is used to deliver healthcare.19 Environment compromises of the medical setting where all the previous factors interact continuously, it includes the operating theatre, patient wards, and consultation rooms. However environment is not just restricted to an area of space but is also manifested by economic, political, intellective and communal factors which are all part of clinical setting.

The SHEL model provides a roadmap to ascertain where lapses or potential for absurdities might enter into the health delivery system via human intervention.18 It is particularly useful tool in being specific towards the synergy amongst the behavioural aspects of individuals and the relevant factors of the system thereby facilitating an insightful investigation & assessment of risk in health care.18

An application of this model can be seen with regards to the background elements that contributed to the fatal accident at the Queen Medical Centre, Nottingham where a patient with leukaemia was accidentally administered vincristine intrathecally by an SHO under the direct supervision of a specialist registrar. An inquiry compiled by the department of health had discovered almost 50 different variables along the chain of events that had facilitated the adverse action. It’s estimated that from 1968-2006, there have been 55 cases worldwide of inadvertent intra­thecal administration of vincristine.11

The incident was amalgamated with many abstruse circumstances such as environmental, professional, methodological & collective cooperation that facilitated the lethal event.9

If the incident is assessed through the lens of the SHEL concept then it can be perceived that the fault in the Liveware–Liveware interaction was the extraordinarily poor communication that was exercised by staff at Queen Mary with complete disregard for adequate handover of medical notes or documentation of messages.18 Examining it from the Limeware-Hardware point of view, the needle of the intravenous vincristine should have been distinct in design to the intrathecal needle facility.18 The Liveware-Software interaction would suggest that there was lack of an inaugural course as part of the hospital curriculum with regards to cytotoxics drug administration.18 Assessing the Limeware-Enviorment it can be derived that the chain of command for chemotherapy medication was completely ambivalent with the freedom of access to all with regards to the facility.18

Whilst the SHEL model has substantiated its efficacious role in human error management it emphasises heavily upon the interaction human factors and their surroundings whilst overlooking the systematic defensive barriers that could have prevented the error from occurring. The model focuses upon changing and facilitating dynamism within the human factors to allow congruency within a set system however fails to acknowledge that if the system is not standardised to tolerate error and manage its damaging effects.

It is important note that the factors seem to always been in a state of constant transmutation and not simply stagnant e.g. turnover of medical staff, advancements of technology, updated clinical findings in practise, emerging of newer medications, improvements of managerial strategies and change in organisational mission & vision: all contribute to the common question whether solely focussing on the human approach with any focus on systemic integration will avertedly be sustainable for the future of the institution.g

III. Improvements in Pharmacy Practise

Within the context of community pharmacy setting it is important to readdress the outlook on errors and mishaps as a combination of the above theories and implement them into practical setting of quality healthcare especially with the intimate interaction that community pharmacies have with the general public. Medication safety initiatives need structural design to encourage reporting of any incidents that might occur and to harmonise improved medication usage processes and therefore ensuring patient safety.

Incidents involving medication errors may occur anywhere in the distribution system of community practise. It is a multi-factorial intricacy that can arise in prescribing of medicines, repackaging by manufacturers, dispensing by pharmacists, administration of the medicines especially cytotoxics or even an incorrect monitoring of a treatment regimen. Amongst the many factors in addition to job stress, lack of product knowledge or training, or similar labelling or packaging of a product may be the cause of, or contribute to, an actual or potential error may include poor communication between personnel, no adherence to protocol or patient misunderstanding in directional usage. Below are some areas that need to be strategically considered when planning a methodology in prioritising patient safety.

In every healthcare department there needs to be protocol guidelines of work ethic & delivery with respect to its function and which are able to show that they operate systems of practice which are safe and which encourage continuous improvement. The conception and implementation of SOPs will allow pharmacies to have a logical, coherent & systematic approach in dispensing of medication where it be checking the prescription, updating computer software in detecting interactions or dosage inconsistencies, clarity in the instructions of the label, having a double checking system in place to reassess the final product. Where these authoritative procedures are not in place or adhered to it increases the likelihood of errors occurring.

The many benefits of SOPs include the fact that it was be as a reference tool on policies and procedures for all members of staff whether permanent or temporary to relate to, it aids is designing an induction programme for training of newer team colleagues, insightful in review & assessment after an adverse event and provides detailed perspective on improvement in standards & quality of care.

Pharmacists need to establish that the final dispensed product is perfectly correct and adequate with clear unambiguous directions to ensure patient safety. The pharmacist also needs to ensure the safe use of the drugs it approves by identifying and avoiding proprietary names that contribute to problems in the prescribing, dispensing, or administration of the product. Because an early identification of potential confusing branded names is crucial in order to place preventative methods to ensure these incidents don’t occur during busy hours & times of distress. Common medications that may be easily muddled up in practise include: Lipitor & Lipostat, Lasix & Losec amongst others.

(ii) Clear & Open Communications

As part of the professional requirement by the PSI code of conduct for pharmacists, it is pertinent that an honest and open means of communications is upheld when explaining to patients & carers the advent of adversity. It is important that medication incidents are presented with integrity, unambiguously, accurately and transparency. Acknowledgment of the mistakes backed up with an apology needs to be certified with a descriptive account of the accident with a guarantee in a plan of rectifying the error and putting systems in place to prevent any similar catastrophe in future. Barriers that may prevent this need to be dispelled because of the breach of professional conduct and the corrosion of public confidence.

Clear communications is also an essential element of successful teamwork amongst pharmacists and the OTC staff in community but also dealing with other healthcare professionals needs clarity with regards to respective roles and responsibilities. Pharmacists need to network effectively with patients, GPs, nurses, patient carers in order to ascertain all the relevant information with regards to patients’ conditions, treatment regimen & preference. Important findings, interventions & interactions with patients or their carers need to be documented using patient medication history & clinical notes.

(iii) Effective leadership & teamwork

‘Vision without a task is merely a dream, a task without vision is simply drudgery, vision with action can change the world’21

[Professor John Adair, UN Chair of Strategic Leadership]

Professor Ken Blanchard & Professor Spenser Johnson present an intriguing management model called ‘The One Minute Manager’20 that focuses primarily upon attains business goals whilst maintaining the integrity & morale of people within the work force, their model emphasises upon goal setting with definite and tangible outcomes, performance feedback via appraisals and reprimands upon productivity fluctuations.20

Strategic leadership is not just about technical planning but about converting the plan into action, part of this is building up a spirit of teamwork in which all members of the healthcare team feel equally valued and respected therefore the hierarchy of traditional organisational culture needs to be shifted towards a more pragmatic and amiable approach thereby raising morale and developing inter disciplinary trust.21 Decisions need to move away from an autocratic approach to a more participative procedure to ensure decisions are taken by means of a democratic consensus. Within a community pharmacy setting: Goals can be set with all members of staff with tangible outcomes and decision making procedures must encourage team participation to ensure congruent work ethic and performances thereby minimising the chances of a hazardous environment prone to error.21

(iv) Patients involvement with their personal healthcare

Involving patients and families in the process of their care ensures that there are additional sets of eyes on the process. Perhaps more importantly, these are sets of eyes which are directly interested in a positive outcome. Explaining to patients’ and families’ expectations for what should happen, and encouraging them to ask questions at any point in a treatment plan, enables them to act as their own advocates in the course of care.

Patients are also a good source of information. In many cases, they are seeing processes for the first time which are daily occurrences for medical professionals therefore feedback from patients is crucial with regards to their understanding of their medication indications, dosage & compliance. The emerging role of medication reviews will be interesting to see how it impacts upon healthcare in the Irish context.

(v) Reporting of errors

A high medication error and adverse drug reaction reporting rate is a desirable first step in enabling pharmacists to tackle medication safety risks to their patients. The pharmacist needs to take the responsibility in evaluation, monitoring and take appropriate action on reports of medication errors which will provide useful information to outside health professionals & other organisation in preventing medication errors.

In conclusion high reliability organizations produce reliable results that are not dependent on providers being perfect.10 Healthcare leadership must see medication errors as challenges within their system, not just solely with their personal. All medical errors associated with adverse events may provide insight for system development. Readjusting both systems & human factors should produce better long-term results to hopefully grasp the distant vision of healthcare which is the provision of medicine to patient in safe, qualitative and efficacious manner.10

Development of the core competencies for Patient Safety Research. Patient Safety Research Education and Training Working Group: World Health Organisation, July 2010.

The Patient Safety Research Training and Education Expert Working Group of WHO. Patient Safety. Competencies for Patient Safety Research. Geneva: World Health Organization, 2010. [Citied 2011 June 3] ; Available from URL: http://www.who.int/patientsafety/research.

Make sure to mention to him that your using your western license (Europe and North America)

He will ask that you go see the Sudanese translator in the back that needs to stamp the IUM translation. This gentleman is located in the back of the building you are in so go outside of the building (not of the complex) and turn right and go to the open window hut/gazebo and ask the brother to stamp it after he views it

He will hand a form to you need to fill out as part of the application

After you finish filling it out, he will do something with it and ask you to get it signed by his supervisor who resides two doors down on the left hand side

Now you need to pay your fee so go back to Mr Sudan and go to his colleague and pay for as long as you want the license for, he will hand you a receipt

Go back into the building and go to window number 6 and hand in all the forms and the receipt

“Whoever sees sincerity in his sincerity, his sincerity is itself in need of sincerity. The destruction of every sincere person lies in his sincerity to the extent that he sees sincerity in himself. When he abandons seeing sincerity in himself he will be sincere and purified.” – From words of the Pious Predecessors

Shaykh/Dr. Haitham Al-Haddad (May Allah bless and protect him) related to us a comment attributed to Ibn Al-Qayyim that if a person is sincere and really enjoyed engaging in a certain act of worship e.g. supererogatory prayers, prostration, reciting Qur’an et al, then perhaps Allah The Most High will take his soul whilst that person is engaging in that act of worship. And likewise if a person is persistent in committing a sin then perhaps Allah will take that person upon that transgression and disobedience.

Subhn’Allah its really bewildering, and Allah knows best to see how there is a plethora of stories of righteous people whose end was a testimony to their habitual practices. Uthman ibn Affan (May Allah be pleased with him) was killed whilst he was fasting and reciting the Qur’an, Imam Muslim (May Allah have mercy upon him) passed away after spending a long night searching up a hadith, Shaykh Abdul Hamid Kisck (May Allah have mercy upon him) died whilst he was in prostration. In all these cases these people were known for their righteousness (certainly in the case of Uthman because of the Prophet Muhammad’s (Peace be upon him) validation) and perhaps because of their sincere love for this action did Allah The Ultimate Inheritor receive them in that state of worship.

It therefore raises a very important internal question inside all of us, do we take the matter of internal rectification and reformation into consideration and whether the ramifications of its negligence will de-facto lead to chaos both in our internal equilibrium and external demeanor. The colloquial phrase that ‘You can’t teach an old dog, new tricks‘ might raises some eyebrows and possible a few smirks among a few of us but our wise elders and seniors (May Allah bless and protect them) will most definitely be in congruent with a heavy sigh that yes unfortunately giving up bad habits becomes mission impossible with no Ethan Hunt to pull us out and more pertinently initiating a best practice ethic becomes painfully difficult in the later part of an individual’s life. There is always exceptions to the rule of course but i think if we all agree that to change ones self at a senior age is far more cumbersome than modifying yourself in the prime of youth.

“The one who shows off has three characteristics: he is lazy when by himself, he is lively and energetic when with others and he increases in his actions when he is praised and decreases in them when he is criticized” – Ali ibn Abi Talib

If a person doesn’t for example develop the habit of fasting regularly and sincerely for Allah besides Ramadan, the day of Arafah and Ashoora. They will find it very arduous and sometimes even burdensome to do even one extra fast on a Monday or Thursday. If a person persists upon backbiting, lying, swearing then their tongue will become accustomed to these deadly sins and furthermore embedded within their psyche permanently just like salivating or answering the call of nature. If an individual doesn’t train their heart to resist jealousy or envy or self-praising boastful speech and redirect it towards a meritorious route then that will be embodied within the just like LDL-cholesterol causes cholesterol to re-enter the blood circulatory system.

As Muslims we need to conceptualize change it doesn’t just solely come from learning through books and teachers, but comes from holistic tarbiyah of ones self. You can plant a seed in the ground but you need to water it, nourish it and adjust for ideal environmental temperatures to see it grow. A colloquial example of this is the issue of certain Islamic personalities and their styles in addressing diverse audiences. Whilst some speakers are exceptionally articulate in intellective speech but put them on a podium to a bunch of high school kids and you have the best non-benzodiapine/z-class hypnotic out there, similarly there are Muslim activists who can roil up a horde of MSA/ISOC (depending on where you live) university students to ‘get out there and save the world from poverty/drugs/IMF’ but when it comes to critically presenting the canons and nomenclature of Islamic thought with magnanimous intellectual explanations to an astute audience of leaders and academic well versed in scholastics then you are asking for a grand opening followed by an unfortunately swift ground closing.

Thus it is imperative that each and every one of us cross examine ourselves personally with a personal analysis to identify strengths, weakness and execute a pragmatic plan in trying to induce within ourselves a dynamic personality, mitigate any weakness and cover any potential gaps that remain within our characters to the best of our abilities.

If we analyse the life of the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) we will come to acknowledge that he was the embodiment of the most dynamic personality that ever existed in the history of humanity. He possessed a multifaceted skill set coupled with wisdom and a deep understanding of contexts which enabled him to face up to any scenario that befell his way.

When challenged by unbeaten champions of wrestling, he would accept their offer to duel and pin them to the ground. When one of his wives became upset at him, he understood the psychology of women as to why she has reacted to this and how he needs to respond appropriately to rekindle the love & harmony so much so that every single wife of the Prophet testified that he was the exemplary, romantic, mystical hero that every woman dreams to take her as a bride on horseback riding into the sunset. When it came to war and tactics, he took council from his subordinates and was decisive in decision making. When a child would ask him something, he would give the child full attention and publicly show loving affection to his grandsons Hassan & Hussain which illustrates the Prophet Muhammad’s insight to child psychology by illustrating the importance of giving children recognition, approval and love to foster their development into healthy adults.

‘There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent example for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allah often’

[The Confederates 33 : 21]

The Seerah is elegantly decorated with a galore of gems which all indicate how the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) was able adapted his personality to the befit any situation presented to him.

Ibn Al-Qayyim elucidates insightful wisdom that from the very inception of Islam, the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) was surrounded by companions from all different socio-economic background. From the most famous & wealthiest aristocrats of Quraish was Abu Bakar As Siddique, from the bottom scale of the ladder was the immigrant & slave Bilal ibn Rabah, from the gilt-edged elite female personalities was his wife Khadijah bint Khuwailid and from the youth was Ali ibn Abi Talib, which signifies that the message of the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) appealed to people from all walks of life, status, gender and age.

We as Muslims need to reform our characteristics towards the Prophetic style of dynamism. We need to harness our skills in diplomacy, negotiation, teamwork, leadership, resourcefulness, tolerance, patience, meticulousness and so much more if we are to progress as an Ummah of sincere leaders. According to Shaykh/Dr. Haitham Al-Haddad (May Allah bless and protect him) postulates that >60% of our challenges as an ummah will be mitigated if we engage ourselves in a team based activity (Local Masjid, ISOC/MSA/Muslim Union, Charity endeavors, Dawaah initiative et al) or an organisation. Looking back at the Seerah, the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) was a Shepard and a business manager in his younger years. His travels across the Middle East, his interactions with a plethora of cultures & religions in Makkah and his family life with his beloved wife and four daughters all helped pave the way for him to being the timeless role model that befits everyone across the globe.

1. Love them the way you want them to love you, speak to them the way you want them to speak to you, spend for them the way you want them to spend on you

2. Ask her about ‘what she feels when something happens’

3. If you are angry talk about it, don’t bottle it up.

4. Communicate with a gentle tone not in harsh.

It is important that both partners are able to discuss every aspect of married life openly and on a regular basis. A marriage without two-way communication will not last long.

5. If you are content with yourself it will pass on to others

Seeking fulfillment from one person, and projecting your unhappiness onto him when he doesn’t measure up will quickly destroy your marriage. If you feel unhappy, first examine reality. You will be happier if you shape your expectations to fit the reality of your situation. Expecting others to be the main source of your happiness is unrealistic.

6. Don’t let money be everything

For the most part, it is the lack of open communication about money problems that jeopardizes a marriage more than the financial problems alone. Everyone has financial issues concerning bills, debts, spending and budgets. How a couple deals with those issues can make or break a relationship.

7. Be affectionate

8. If you lie once, it will be very difficult to believe one another after

9. Do not avoid a hard conversation

The last point is crucial, if you cant open up that could indicate trust issues about keeping the affairs of a marriage private. And if that is the case then please reassess your marital communication.

Found the below points from an online post taken from a lecture by Shaykh Yahya Ibrahim (May Allah preserve him) in his Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Tour. I have added some extra points from academics and anecdotes from friends to further clarify in case there is any discrepancy regarding some points as the Shaykh has highlighted some pertinent issues that every couple needs to seriously consider before tying the knot and moreover when they say ‘I do’. Note: I hope someone can forward me Shaykh Ibrahim’s points on how a man can ruin his marriage as I couldn’t find it online and it is an equally important topic. May Allah The Most High The Most Loving bless us in our affairs and guide us to what is best in the dunya and akhirah and bless our marriages with love and mercy. Ameen

1. Discussing your problems with your friends and family members and beginning/ending the conversation say ‘Please don’t tell anyone’.

Reality Check: According to Kerry Miller, What you might think of as harmless complaining to friends and family can actually break your husband’s trust. It threatens the safety of the “couple bubble” you’ve created together. Men find this extremely humiliating and hurtful. If you really need to vent, consider talking to a doctor or therapist to keep things confidential.

2. Repeat yourself often by nagging because he is more likely to listen this way

Reality Check: Deborah Demander states that although men are stronger, women have the advantage when it comes to verbal strength. Women are adept at brandishing the sharpest words in order to shame, demean and belittle their man. Words are like toothpaste. Once they are out, there is no getting them back in. Regardless of how sorry you are afterward, the damage has been done. Men can become overwhelmed by the barrage of criticism coming at them. The result is they shut down, withdraw, and seek kindness and approval elsewhere.

3. When your husband is very angry/stressed/aggravated, you further enhance his temper by pushing his buttons until he explodes in a fit of rage

Reality Check: If is angry walk out of the room and let him be for some time, Dr. John Gray explains this in his book ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ that men need time out to fix their problems by over thinking them and venting to themselves. Sometimes in a fight situation he is better off cooling down, sleeping over it and come back happy or in the mood to speak but further egging on the situation is only going to reciprocate foul expression and finally resorting to destructive sentences.

4. Treat them mean so that he will always be on edge & inaccessible

5. When your husband upsets you makes sure your children learn that he is a terrible man

Mothers often parent differently than fathers, but not necessarily better. For instance, some studies show that parenting styles more common with dads, such as rough-and-tumble play, offer children unique developmental benefits. “Men’s resentment grows as their children develop with gaps in their competency and independence, two attributes men rate highly,” Gonsiewski says. “When a woman doesn’t trust her husband to parent she sends a message that he’s wrong and only she’s right.” Instead, “reinforce your husband for the positive contributions he makes to your children’s lives,” Dr. Haltzman recommends.

6. Withholding sexual intimacy as your ace in the hole.

While women generally need emotional intimacy to make love, men express emotional intimacy through sex, says Marla Taviano, author of Is that all he thinks about? When a wife turns down sex, in her husband’s mind, “she’s turning him down as a person,” explains Taviano. Using sex as a bargaining chip to get your needs meet isn’t negotiating—it’s emotional blackmail, which can alienate him. “Withholding sex may make your partner feel less love from you and give you less love in return,” says Dr. Haltzman.

Deborah Demander describes this point as:

Men are wired differently than women. They need physical release through sexual intimacy. When you refuse to meet that need, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. As much as you need emotional release and closeness, he is wired to need physical release and closeness. Neither is wrong. You are just different. While you want your emotional needs met, it is important not to lose sight of his needs. Think of it this way; what if he stopped talking to you for three days? How about a week? What if he didn’t talk to you for a month? Unconscionable. Likewise, it is unfair for you to cut him off from what he needs.

7. When your friend gets something, you want to get something better instead and be one step ahead

Reality Check: There are several problems here, it shows to your husband that his hard work and effort is simply not good enough and that other women have it better and also that your a thankless person who just cant get enough of materialism. Demander says one of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to spend all your time acting miserable and unhappy especially when it comes to materialism. One of the goals of marriage should be peace and happiness. It is to this end that you have an obligation to be happy. If this is one of the goal ie to be happily married, it is up to you to exercise self control. There is no need to express every angry, bitter or resentful thought. By owning your own problems, you can take responsibility for your own happiness.

8. If your husband is having trouble with his family, you need to get involved too

Reality Check: Stop right here and please step back. You don’t need to get involved unless he asks you to and this should be done under serious consideration for backlash with his family especially his parents. Although its a separate point but the effect of point number 9 is the exact same. If the problem is with you then this might create hatred in your heart for his family making him further rift away from you. Plus adding to this it might be a case where the man needs to relax and take his mind away from his own families problems and by you persisting to get your nose in, it might dampen his spirits by thinking you don’t trust his judgement. Always ask to be sure on how he wants to deal with this and how you can help.

9. Complaining to your parents/family about your husband

Reality Check: This issue is one that has paved the way to divorce for one brother I know because it destroyed his relationship with his in laws who actually got his parents involved into the fiasco (Interesting this was between Arab families and not as you might assume an Asian dispute). Many many couples have broken apart because of this issue, Its sad to say that the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) is lost in that let the couple deal with it themselves and this is further illustrated by the stories of Ali ibn Abi Talib and Fatima bint Muhammad. Demandar describes this point perfectly that the ramifications will be a permanent rift between your family (especially the women folk like your mother and sisters) and your husband.

Not only will this diminish your husband in your eyes, it will poison those closest to you. You force them to take sides, and of course they choose your side, because they want to be loyal to you. They will not look at your husband the same. Once you are over your tirade, they will still be mad at him. Your close friendships and relationships will remain irreparably altered against your husband, in time, this can destroy your marriage.

A South African elder once said to me that his sisters were told by their father to never come to our home with a facial expression of the bereaved returning from a funeral, sort your problems out yourself and you (and we) will be happy. Despite their many troubles the girls and family remained happy. The Sunnah works try it please people!

10. The silent treatment is the best way to express yourself

Reality Check: A wife giving her husband the cold shoulder for a long period of time is equally as alarming as a man venting his marriage problems to other people. Please dont keep him in the dark, it will destroy him and you too. Remember the hadith of not speaking to your bretheren for more than three days.

11. If your husband makes an achievement or does something right don’t encourage him but when he fails bury him 6 foot under the ground!

“Men will never ask for it,” Gonsiewski says, but regular doses of praise are important. “They need to hear that their wives are proud of them.” Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women, notes that men tend to be more action-oriented than women, which means they show affection in different ways. “He may empty the dishwasher as a way of saying he cares about you.” Haltzman’s suggestion: “Pay attention to what he does, and let him know you notice.”

12. Argue in front of the children using vulgar words and emotional abuse

Reality Check: Self-explanatory but doing this will destroy his foundations because he knows that the children will always take the mothers side especially if they are young, naive and innocent. When the same kids grow old they will regret taking sides and be more inclined to peace in the household and question the mothers tactics of abusing their father so veraciously thereby causing you to have a backlash with them. Whats worse is that the sons might treat the future spouses with animosity and the daughters fighting tooth and nail with their husbands to be because they saw the mother doing so to daddy, In the end nobody wins.

13. Having trust issues, being suspicious and expressing it like ‘I feel shes after you, can i check your phone’

Reality check: this can be daunting for a lot of couples, the issue of other genders being involved and yes it is normal to be jealous of them however the lie is drawn when you react extremely poorly to a situation that isn’t even his fault e.g. a lady coming over to ask for directions. Men are visual creatures, Dr. Meunier says, so it’s not surprising that a typical heterosexual man would notice a good-looking woman. “Women who understand this and don’t take it personally minimize unproductive fights about jealousy.” When a wife overreacts to a situation, her husband will likely feel defensive, and eventually, resentful. Dr. Meunier’s advice? “Chill out.”

14. TV is the first thing on and last thing off and it becomes the babysitter for your children

Reality Check: The most horrific thing a man can comprehend is if his children receive poor upbringing from the mother. Parenting is a critical responsibility but the reality is that the mother spends more time with then children than the father and this further deflates his confidence.

15. Talking about previous relationships (couting, engagment or even intimate) with other men

Reality Check: If he says to you ‘so why dont you back to him’ its because you have just completely desecrated his human feelings by comparing him to someone else who you left or didn’t go for and are now praising. It will being to him feelings of insecurities and a de-surfacing of mental peace because now someone else is brought into the picture. Just imagine if he said such and such is beautiful or she is the best homemaker ever, how would you feel?

16. Treating your husband like a child.

“A big issue I see in couples is a man resenting his partner because he feels she talks down to him,” says Mary Kelleher, LMFT. This can leave him feeling “less-than,” and nothing triggers resentment faster than inadequacy. So avoid threatening his independence—the way pressuring him to go for a promotion so he’ll bring home more money may be perceived—suggests couples therapist Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD. “No one wants to feel ‘managed’ by a spouse,” Dr. Meunier says.

A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it everyday. He climbed to the treetop, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow…he loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by…the little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree every day.

One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad . “Come and play with me” the tree asked the boy. “I am no longer a kid, I do not play around trees any more” the boy replied. “I want toys. I need money to buy them.” “Sorry, but I do not have money… but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money.” The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples. The tree was deeply saddened.

One day, the boy who now turned into a man returned and the tree was excited “Come and play with me” the tree said. “I do not have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me ? ” ” Sorry, but I do not have any house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house.” So the man cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the man never came back since then. The tree was again lonely and upset.

One hot summer day, the man returned and the tree was delighted. “Come and play with me!” the tree said. “I am getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat ?” said the man . “Use my trunk to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy.” So the man cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long time.

Finally, the man returned after many years. ” Sorry, my boy. But I do not have anything for you anymore. No more apples for you …” the tree said. “No problem, I do not have any teeth to bite” the man replied. “No more trunk for you to climb on” “I am too old for that now” the man said. “I really cannot give you anything… the only thing left is my dying roots” the tree said with tears. “I do not need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years” the man replied. “Good! Old tree roots are the best place to lean on and rest, Come, come sit down with me and rest.” The man sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears.

This is a story for everyone..The tree is like our parents…When we were young, we loved to play with our Mum and Dad….When we grow up, we leave them only come to them when we need something or when we are in trouble…..No matter what……parents will always be there and…….Give everything they could………Just to make you happy………

You may think the boy is cruel to the tree, but that is how all of us treat our parents. We take them for granted we don’t appreciate all they do for us, UNTIL it’s too late. May Allah forgive us of our shortcomings and may He Guide us, Ameen

Love your Parents for the Al-Mighty Lord has stationed them as the first commandment after the axiom of affirmation of His worship alone:

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.” [Al-Isra 17:24]

Kaab Ibn Ujrah (May Allah be pleased with him) relates that the Messenger of Allah (Peace be upon him) said came near to the mimbar and we came near the mimbar. When He (Peace be upon him) climbed the first step of the mimbar, He (Peace be upon him) said “Ameen”, When He (Peace be upon him) ascended the second step, He (Peace be upon him) said “Ameen”, When He (SAW) climbed the third step, He (Peace be upon him) said “Ameen” When He (Peace be upon him) came down, We said “Oh Prophet of Allah (Peace be upon him), we have heard from you today something which we never heard before” He (Peace be upon him) said When I climbed the first step, the angel Jibraeel (Peace be upon him) appeared before me and said:

“Destruction to him who found the blessed month of Ramadhan and let it pass by without gaining forgiveness” upon that I said ‘Ameen’. When I climbed the second step, he said, “Destruction to him before whom thy name is taken and then he does not make Dua for Allah’s blessing on me (by saying, for example Peace be upon him).” I replied ‘Ameen’. When I climbed the third step, he said “Destruction unto him in whose lifetime his parents or either one of them reaches old age, and (through failure to serve them) he is not allowed to enter Jannah”. I said ‘Aameen’. (Hakim, Baihaqi)

Words of wisdom from a few amalgamated reminders from the esteemed Shaykh/Dr. Haitham al Haddad (May Allah bless and protect him) to university students

Let us come back to the reality of the situation and internalize the truth of the matter. Why are you here? Whats your purpose? Whats your goal? Whats your target? Whats your aspiration? Whats your aim? What is it that you seriously want to achieve?

If we analyse the time spent by the average human being with the benign engagements of life we extrapolate that the average person spends most of their day revolved around sleeping, eating, driving, talking and family life yet without any type of internal goal as to why they engage in such activities only to come to the conclusion that it is for the sake of doing it and nothing more! Why spend 5,6,7,8….10,15 years in study only to then get a job and work until you die? Why study medicine, Islamic studies, engineering et al? why oh why? Whereas other Muslims are doing the exact same physical actions yet they are earning mountains of righteous deeds and building high palaces made of Gold and Silver in paradise. Why dear brothers and sisters?

And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me. [The Winnowing Winds: 56]

The above verse is frequently quoted in regards to ones purpose in life but the question that begs to be asked subsequent to this axiom of our existence, is how are we fulfilling this role? If every single thing we do not in conjunction or in accordance with this magnanimous task then what are we actually doing? If we take the statement of Ibrahim (Upon whom be peace) where he says:

“Verily, my prayer, my sacrifice, my living and my dying are for Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. He has no partner.” [Al-An’am 06:162-163]

People would never engage in anything except that it has direct affirmation in the remembrance of Allah The Most High. The food on our table will be consumed for nutritional value to continue worshiping Allah, Our sleep with be enough (not exhaustive nor too miserly) to re freshen energy for our day to day transactions, every free moment that we obtain shall be used to remember Allah The Most High. A person who acknowledges this and affirms it practically will never become tired and will always be cautious in questioning their inner self whether this act is for the sake of Allah The Most High or not and reminding that every single act will be accountable for on the day of judgement!

A scholar by the name of Ibn Abi Jamir once stated that he wished that there were scholars whose single sole job it was to remind people to rectify their intentions. In order that they may revisit this premise about whether or not this act is truly devoted to raise the word of Allah The Most High to the highest and to solely seek His pleasure hence de-facto ensuring that we consistently renewing this premise.

Imam of the Muhadditheen, Sufyan ath-Thawri once said;

“I have not treated anything more difficult then my intention, because it keeps changing.”

The scholar of the Salaf, Abdullah Ibn al-Mubarak said:

“Maybe a small action is made great by its intention, and maybe a great action is made small by its intention.”

There are many examples of contemporaries who strove to achieve this dream and are now praised by the Muslim Ummah. Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen, Shaykh Bin Baz and Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (May Allah The Most Merciful bestow mercy upon them all) were known mostly for their humbleness, refined etiquettes and chivalrous attributes more than their extensive knowledge, yet none of them ever considered themselves to be scholars. One of the heads of the Haramain (Makkah and Madinah) known by the name of Saleh Al Kusair (May Allah The Most Merciful bestow mercy upon him) was also man of intentions, a man with his merits could have inherited any top class salary post of his liking in Saudia Arabia but was so humble that he published a book under a pen name to hide his good deeds, a story of the Shaykh was that once he traveled to South Africa via plane and upon arrival the invitees were frantically looking for him until they gave up their search, they later found out that he arrived to South Africa not adorned as a ‘Shaykh‘ but with simply sub-Indian style clothing so as to not show himself of someone of importance.

We need to constantly remember that failure to comply to this imperative trajectory faces the most destructive ramifications imaginable as stated by The Prophet Muhammad (Upon whom be peace):

“Whoever seeks knowledge in order to compete with the scholars, or to debate with the foolish, or to draw people’s attention, Allah will put him into the Fire.” (Narrated from Tirmidhi as taken from Mishkat).

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (Upon whom be peace) say:

The first of people against whom judgment will be pronounced on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who died a martyr. He will be brought and Allah will make known to him His favours and he will recognize them. [ The Almighty] will say: And what did you do about them? He will say: I fought for you until I died a martyr. He will say: You have lied – you did but fight that it might be said [of you]: He is courageous. And so it was said. Then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire. [Another] will be a man who has studied [religious] knowledge and has taught it and who used to recite the Quran. He will be brought and Allah will make known to his His favours and he will recognize them. [The Almighty] will say: And what did you do about them? He will say: I studied [religious] knowledge and I taught it and I recited the Quran for Your sake. He will say: You have lied – you did but study [religious] knowledge that it might be said [of you]: He is learned. And you recited the Quran that it might be said [of you]: He is a reciter. And so it was said. Then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire. [Another] will be a man whom Allah had made rich and to whom He had given all kinds of wealth. He will be brought and Allah will make known to his His favours and he will recognize them. [The Almighty] will say: And what did you do about them? He will say: I left no path [untrodden] in which You like money to be spent without spending in it for Your sake. He will say: You have lied – you did but do so that it might be said [of you]: He is open-handed. And so it was said. Then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire.

It was related by Muslim (also by at-Tirmidhi and an-Nasa’i).

”….It must be noted that if Allah knows that a person is committed to achieving his goal He will help him to achieve it. It is amazing to read the stories that establish this point. Once Abdullah ibn al-Zubair, Musab ibn al-Zubair, Urwah ibn al-Zubair and Abdullah ibn Umar ibn al-Khattab gathered together in al-Hijr next to the Kaʽbah and they said to each other let us wish. As for Abdullah ibn al-Zubair, he wanted to be the caliph over the Hijaz, Musab ibn al-Zubair wanted to be the governor of Iraq and to marry beautiful women. Urwah ibn al-Zubair desired to be a scholar of hadith and Abdullah ibn Umar ibn al-Khattab wished for paradise. al-Dhahabi, the great historian said that everyone received what they desired (we pray that Abdullah ibn Umar ibn al-Khattab will receive paradise)”

The Prophet (saw) advised to: “Take benefit of five before five: Your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death”(Narrated by Ibn Abbas and reported by Al Hakim)

Story One: The Blind Boy

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.” There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words. Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were.

The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, “Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?”

The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.”

What he had written was: “Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.”

Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing? Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so blessed that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

“It is He, Who has created for you (the sense of) hearing (ears), sight (eyes), and hearts (understanding). Little thanks you give.”

[Surah Al-Mu’minun; 78]

Story Two: Illness

Assalam Aleikom all my brothers and sisters.

I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you all about the value of our lives.

We all know death is real but haven’t tasted it. I have contracted a stomach disease that will leave me on medicine for the rest of my life. Also the risk of contracting other complications. As it stands I haven’t been able to use the toilet for 3 days. The medicines I’m being given are causing this but effectively are helping in preventing my situation from worsening. We should value our lives and show thanks to Allah as just the ability to go to the toilet is a gift given to us all by Allah. Allah has provided us with countless other blessings…I put myself at examples hand now and InShaaAllah I hope this will affect each and everyone of us in a positive way. Life is a test.

Allah gives …and Allah takes. Let’s take care of our bodies as they are leased to us by Allah and one day Allah will take them back without notice.

We should make dua at all times, not only during times of distress. The Prophet Muhammad (sal-Allahu-alayhi-wa-sallam) said: “Whosoever desires that Allah answers his duas in unfavorable and difficult conditions, he should make plentiful dua in days of ease and comfort.” Also he (sal-Allahu-alayhi-wa-sallam) said: “The person who does not ask from Allah, Allah becomes angry with him.” Please remember me in your duas and I will remember you in mine In Shaa Allah.

Mohammed

Story 3: Tears

A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?”

“Because I need to” she said.

“I don’t understand,” he said.

His mother just hugged him and said, “And you never will.”

Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”

“When Allah made the woman she had to be special. He made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

He gave an inner strength to endure both childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

He gave her a toughness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

He gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child hurts her badly.

He gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. He gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And lastly, He gave her a tear. This is hers and only hers exclusively to use whenever she needs it. She needs no reason, no explanation, its hers.

You see my son, the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the beauty of her face, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is her piety and must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart – the place where love resides.”

“This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this world is a righteous women.” Sahih Muslim 10/56, Kitab al-rida’, bab istihbab nikah al-bikr.

Story 4: My Journey Through Polygamy (a true story)

Second wife! The words reverberated through my brain. Why? Am I not good enough? Never! I will never accept a second wife! If you want a second wife you can go out and get one, as long as you know that I will not be here when you come back!

Those were my words to my husband a few years ago when he mentioned to me that he is intending to marry a second time.

It was a woman recently divorced, 4 children. She is having a hard time, he said, she does not know where the next meal is coming from or how to provide adequately for her children.

“Where is their father?” I asked, “Can’t he take care of his own kids? Why do you a strange man have to carry another man’s burdon? Surely there are other ways that you can help her out financially without having to MARRY her!

I could not imagine myself in a plural marriage. Sharing my husband with another woman. Sharing his love, his smiles, his jokes with a woman other than myself.

I could not fathom him holding her close and whispering loving words in her ears. It was unacceptable. An outrage. After all I have been to him. Wife, lover, mother, doctor, housekeeper.

I raised 3 of his beautiful children. How can he insult me by marrying another woman as if I am not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not young enough or just plain not ENOUGH! NO! I could not accept that and I vehemently made my stance clear to him.

If she walks in, I walk out! Plain and simple. If he is willing to risk our marriage, our life, our children for another woman, then he must go ahead. I will not stand for it!

It all seems so many years ago now. When I thought that life would last forever and that nothing will ever change…But it did..

My husband did not get married to a second wife. After all my warnings and threats of leaving he abandoned the idea. I don’t know what happened to the women and children. My guess is that they moved on to another town.

He never mentioned a second wife again and I was happy with that. I managed to hang on to my husband but I didn’t know that our time was running out.

His last words to me were that he had a headache and is going to lie down till Esha. He never prayed Esha that night, because he never woke up.

I was devastated by his sudden death. The man whom I have spent my life with, snatched away from me in a second. I mourned him for a long, long time. Neglecting my children and the business. Soon all went to waste and we started losing everything one by one. First the car then the shop, then the house.

We moved in with my brother and his family. My 3 children and I crowded the house and my sister in law soon became annoyed by our presence. I needed to get out, to work and find a place of our own instead of living off the leftovers of others. But I had no skill.

When my husband was alive we lived comfortably. I had no need to go out and work or or equip myself with a skill. Life was very difficult for me and my children and I wasn’t young anymore. I missed him everyday with every beat of my heart. How could ones condition change so drastically?

One day my brother told me that someone he knew is looking for a wife. He was a good person, good akhlaq and very pious. Perfect for me, but he wants me to be his second wife.

It’s the second time in my life that the word second wife was mentioned to me. But how different the circumstances.

He came to my brothers house to see me. There was an immediate connection between us. I liked him and I liked everything about him. He told me that his first wife knows that he is intending to marry again but that she is obviously not supportive of the idea and that he doesn’t know what her reaction will be when he tells her that he had found someone. His answer he said, will be dependent on her acceptance of Polygamy.

I did Istikhara that night. I so desperately wanted it to work out. I remembered so many years ago when the life of another woman depended on my decision and what my decision was. I felt contrite, I felt that because I did not give another woman a chance, a space in my life, that Allah will punish me this time around.

I repented, not once in my life did I think my action worthy of repentance because I had done nothing wrong.

I only protected what was mine. Now that I am on the receiving end, I realised how wrong I was in denying another woman this PRIVILEGE of a husband.

I prayed that she will accept me. He phoned me a few days later telling me that his wife is having a hard time accepting it but that she is willing to meet me.

I was nervous the day of the meeting. I prayed a lot the day before and asked Allah to help me. When I met her, she was a person, a woman like me . A woman who loves her husband and fears losing him.

She took my hand and with tears in her eyes said: ” This is very hard for me, but I hope that we can be sisters” her words broke my heart. All I needed in these dark days was a hand reaching out to me and embracing me, giving me hope and the will to carry on.

His wife was to me, the woman that I could not be and I will be forever grateful for that. I thought that no one could love her husband the way I loved mine, but she taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.