Thursday, April 30, 2009

A couple of years ago I started a tour of Montana's breweries. I visited many but could never find the Lang Creek Brewing Company located in Marion, Montana. Marion is about 30 miles west of Kalispell. Every time I drove through there I would wander off the road looking through the Lang Creek Brewery.

As it turns out, the Lang Creek Brewery is, oh, lets say, 15 miles WEST of Marion. The only way I "found" it is that they have sign by the road. You pull off the highway and then go two miles south on a rutted road and the left on a (more) dirt road to see:This is the tap room. It may be the smallest tap room of any brewery in Montana - there are only three stools and two tables.

I can't tell you how the beer was because I was in a car that wasn't mine and couldn't taste.

The world's first 100% eco-friendly sex toy is here! The Earth Angel vibrator is made from recycled materials and you don't need to buy batteries for it! Just crank the handle for 4 minutes and you get 30 minutes of intensely orgasmic vibrating pleasure.

Using advanced, patented technology, the Earth Angel is a vibrator that will never need batteries - a unique feature which is not only kind to the earth but kind to your pocket too.

It has a patented power core that you charge up by turning the built-in handle.

Crank the handle for 4 minutes and you get up to 30 minutes of pleasure.

Crank for 8 minutes and you'll have a whole hour of vibrating excitement!

And to top it all, the Earth Angel is made from 100% recycled parts and plastic.

"This is a great idea. It's what every girl who wants to orgasm and save the planet at the same time needs," says sex expert Jenny Hanson.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Chinese Mirror Syndrome: The bathroom mirror was put in place by someone less than six feet tall, leaving those who are six feet tall having to scrunch down to see our full head. Most often observed in Chinese restaurants.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

A 52-year-old woman who took a job as an exotic dancer to help make ends meet was attacked on her first day by a jealous co-worker armed with a stiletto shoe, police said.

The altercation occurred Friday night at Club 1245 at 1245 E. Tallmadge Ave., according to Akron police.

The victim received multiple cuts to her face that were treated at a local hospital with seven staples, police said. She has refused to discuss the incident with detectives.

Police said the victim needed extra money and got the job with the help of a friend. Friday was her first day, and as she walked into the basement dressing room, she was attacked by a co-worker armed with the shoe, police said.

''The other girls were upset she was there and said, 'We don't need any more dancers around here,' '' Akron police Lt. Rick Edwards said.

A dancer then took her high-heeled shoe and began striking the rookie stripper in the face, police said. The victim was taken to Akron General Medical Center, where nurses contacted police.

The victim left the emergency room before police arrived. Edwards said the dancer did not want to make a report. However, hospital officials are obligated under Ohio law to report the assault.

Go to your contacts and find the listing for your voicemail.After the voicemail number (*86 for Verizon) press "Options"Choose 2. "Add 2-second pause."Type in your password, followed by the # sign."Save"

Now when you call your voice mail it will automatically enter the password for you.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow-dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what the hell it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think you heard someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dorothy Wickenden writes about her grandmother Dorothy Woodruff, who left home in 1916 with her close friend Rosamond Underwood to teach at an isolated schoolhouse in the Rocky Mountains. Here, Wickenden shares some photographs from old family albums.

PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down from its resting place atop the head, PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide, an anesthetic gas.

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNSDear Walter,I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.Can you please help?Sincerely, Sheila.............................................................................................................

Dear Sheila:A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

Steve Salazar holds up what WOULD have been the new Montana record tiger muskie that he caught Friday at Deadmans Basin Reservoir. The fish weighed in at 32.4 pounds and measured 49.1 inches long, 22.75 inches in girth.

Mr. Seidenberg also addressed the notion of AppleInc.'s iPhone ever coming to the Verizon Wireless network, saying it is more likely that Apple would be willing to work with the carrier under the fourth-generation, or 4G, network, which follows the same technology standard as AT&TInc.'s 4G plans. He said Apple never seriously considered making a CDMA version of the iPhone because it didn't have as wide a distribution opportunity.

President Obama said today that he's "resolved to halt the rise of piracy" in East Africa. But it isn't at all clear how the international community would stop the ocean-going hijackers, exactly.Taking out the Maersk Alabama pirates was relatively quick and straightforward. Taking down the pirate network in Somalia won't be. So what are the options? Here's a brief rundown.

Method 1: Through Gluttony There used to be hundreds of thousands of giant tortoises roaming (slowly) about South America's Galapagos Islands. Today, there are roughly 15,000. What can we say? Turtles are tasty. In the 16th and 17th centuries, the Galapagos were the swashbuckler's equivalent of a 7-Eleven--the last chance to stock up on food before hitting the vast emptiness of the Pacific. Besides being sluggish and docile (i.e., easy to catch) the tortoises could also survive for up to a year without food or water. Sailors often captured hundreds at a time, stacked them on their backs and, thus, had fresh meat all the way to India.

Method 2: Out of Sheer Hatred Passenger pigeons once traveled around the United States in flocks so large, they could reportedly block out the sun over a town for eight hours. In the process, they gobbled down all the fruits and grains they could get their beaks on and left the "remains" for farmers to step in. All this made them rather ... unpopular. Throughout the 19th century, killing passenger pigeons was basically the national pastime. Baited with alcohol-soaked grain, gassed with sulfur fires and loaded live into trapshooting launchers (they were later replaced with clay "pigeons"), the passenger pigeon population quickly petered out. The last one died in the Cincinnati Zoo on Sept. 1, 1914.

Method 3: Via Tragicomic Irony Collector and proto-environmentalist Rollo Beck visited the island of Guadalupe, off Baja California, on December 1, 1900. During the trip, he sighted a flock of nine Caracaras, a rare bird he wished to study (apparently in taxidermied form), and so he shot down all but two of them. Those two turned out to be the last Caracaras ever seen alive.

It's really sad about the Caracaras, but the passenger pigeons kind of had it coming.

Our newest recruit, we call him "G". he was a First Mate in your country, but he's been promoted to Captain in ours. He knows your secrets and will undermine your defenses. Last night he made a radio out of a coconut. Look below into the face of your worst nightmare.

Cyberspies have penetrated the U.S. electrical grid and left behind software programs that could be used to disrupt the system, according to current and former national-security officials.

The spies came from China, Russia and other countries, these officials said, and were believed to be on a mission to navigate the U.S. electrical system and its controls. The intruders haven't sought to damage the power grid or other key infrastructure, but officials warned they could try during a crisis or war.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Jesus was a Capricorn-he ate organic foods.He believed in love and peace and never wore no shoes.Long hair, beard and sandals and a funky bunch of friends.I reckon they'd just nail him up if he came down again!!