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Thursday, October 7, 2010

Get me off this roller coaster!!!

Life is funny, one day we feel as if we are 'king of the hill' and then others, we don't know where we are or who we are. Those are the days that we coast along.

Roller coasters, that's what life reminds me of so often. There is the anticipation as we set off, then an exhilaration as we realize we are about to reach the top, the fear that strikes us as we crest the top, and the excitement as we start dropping, and then the release and sometimes disappointment that it is over. For some this is too much and they get off the ride vowing never to return. For others, they are right back in line, anxious to do it over and over again.

If you take a look at your life, you can definitely see this played out in many areas of your life. There are so many things we enjoy and do not hesitate to participate in them again, and still others leave us hurt and afraid. The last four years have been a never ending roller coaster ride for me and my family. We have definitely had our ups and downs, faced uncertainty as we sped around some unknown corner, never quite knowing what lay ahead.

Grief is without a doubt a harrying ride, we have our days that we are so far down that we cannot see anyone way out of our situation. Then there are those days where just maybe I can make it over that next mountain, God give me the strength to just make it. I remember the fear and anticipation, not knowing what the next day would bring, but hoping that somehow it would be better.

Of course there were the days in which disappointment was all I could feel, disappointment in me for not being able to do something, for not having the strength to do anything, not even being sure of who I was, Who am I? became a daily question for me. Those days left me feeling so drained so totally spent. There was disappointment in others, what I sometimes in my grief perceived as not caring, as if those around me had somehow removed themselves from this entire situation. It was crazy, (and trust me at times you truly feel as if you are crazy) I knew deep down that they cared, by my disappointment was to raw, to blinding. I could give you a list too long for this blog of what I felt were disappointments. If you are going through grief, you know exactly what I am referring to. For those of you who know someone who is suffering right now, please do not take anything personal, it is not you that they are upset or disappointed with, it is the situation. A situation that they are unable to control, unable to change, that is making them feel this way.

We all at some point in our lives have to face things and events that leave us feeling lost, confused, hurt, alone and sometimes even abandoned. Our life experiences are what we draw on, how we somehow find ways of coping and dealing. Like the roller coaster ride, you do not know how you are going to feel, or if it will be fun or not, unless you take that first step, and get on the ride. Believe me there are so many days which I wish I could just get off this ride, just scream out enough, I've had enough. But then I realize I am grateful, for what I have experienced, for what I have learned, and for who I have become.

Without my life experiences, I would not be the person I have become. Like the clay in the potters hand, these are the things that have molded me and shaped me, that keep molding and shaping me, creating a masterpiece, that takes years to complete. But like any unique piece of art, there are the imperfections, and these give us character, these help make us stand out, they makes us who we are.

So take the ride called life, live it, experience it and most importantly, share it. Let each drop take you to new heights, allowing yourself to feel along the way, to be aware that you are being shaped, that you are becoming a very unique masterpiece. Live with the knowledge that you loved, and that this love you would not have missed out on for the world. A love that leaves you feeling so much, but that when all is said and done, it is this love that gives you release, allowing you to live again, more fully than before.

It is a love that endures, helping us make it through the roller coaster ride that is life.

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A story shared, is a story lived.

When we all share our stories, we share a part of our humanity. Throughout the ages, stories have been a means of passing on history, learning skills, and finding out who we are. The stories shared in this blog are those of hope and learning to live again after loss. The goal is to help those who may be dealing with grief and to give insight to those who may be attempting to help a family member, friend or even a co-worker who is going through a difficult time. I truly welcome your comments, your experiences and your insights. And always remember, you are not alone.

About Me

I am married, mother of 3 children and grandma to 2 grandsons.
Our oldest daughter, Rachel, died on September 9, 2006 at the age of 23. The picture you see is of a painting of Rachel created by Artist Anthony Ferao. I am a Grief Facilitator, receiving a Certificate of Thanatology from Bristol Community College, and have been leading bereavement support groups for over two years, and meeting with those suffering a loss, one-on-one.