Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you because I participate in family activities. I attend family get togethers. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore. But I do cry! When everyone has gone - when it is safe- the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family won't worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep. You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude. But I am not strong, I feel that I have lost control; and I panic when I think about tomorrow.... next week.... next year. I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. I drink coffee and smile. You tell me you are glad to see I'm "over" the death of my son. But I'm not "over" it, I will never be over it. If I get over it, I would be the same as before my son died. I will never be the same. At times I think I am beginning to heal, but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart. I visit my family and friends. You tell me that you're glad to see I'm holding up so well. But I'm not holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world. I spend time with my family and friends, I seem calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You tell me it's good to see me back starting to get back to my "old self" But I will never be back to my "old self". Death and grief, have touched my life.... and I am forever changed, I am still here, but never to be known as you knew me before.