Monday, June 29, 2009

Shivas Not So Regal

Shiva’s penis is shrinking. At least this is the worry of many Hindus.

Of concern is a giant stalagmite in the Amarnath cave in Kashmir, some 12,729 feet above sea level. The cave is one of Hinduism’s most holy sites because the phallus-shaped icicle within it is thought to be a representation of Lord Shiva, the God of Destruction and Regeneration, who, along with Brahma the Creator and Vishnu the Preserver, makes up the Hindu Trinity.

Sure, I know what some of you are thinking: What God in his right mind would choose to appear as a stalagmite? And I know that the True God always prefers to appear in pizzas and grilled cheese sandwiches. But we ought not to be so dismissive other people’s superstitions, even when they are so blatantly false. A stalagmite phallus, please! Every one knows God prefers dairy product incarnations. But you have to admire the faith of the Hindu.

When God appears in a grilled cheese sandwich it is usually in a person’s home where friends and family can worship the Lactose Lord with relative ease. Where is the challenge, the true test of faith? With Shiva in Kashmir, on the other hand, the faithful have to climb over two miles straight up to gaze upon the Rock of Salvation. Now that is a show of faith!

But I am missing the point. While it is great that 50,000 Hindu pilgrims have visited Shiva over the past two weeks, it is the melting of the Lord that is troubling.

Like other phalluses, the size of Shiva’s grows and shrinks over time. The Hindus believe, however, that a shrinking Shiva denotes the God’s displeasure. This too is common to most phalluses, they shrink when they are not pleasured, but while most men worship their own phallus, the fact that millions and millions of people worship this particular phallus may mean something. If numbers matter, the penis of Shiva overshadows the pizza of Christ any way you slice it.

But, once again, I am off track. What matters is that global warming is destroying the Destroyer! This is bad news. Without Shiva there is no death, and without death, life on this planet will eventually suffocate itself. If death dies, life is doomed!

The solution, however, is not to send millions of pilgrims to worship the far away phallus. On the contrary, all their body heat and prayers will make the cave even warmer and melt Shiva even faster. Pilgrims go home!

We have got to cool the planet, or at least the state of Kashmir, and cool it now. If anyone knows how to contact Al Gore, please do so now. God is melting!