Archive for the Stomach Category

One of the most exciting days in my life was when I accidentally snuck into an event and was right next to Nicole Scherzinger…but it had nothing to do with being in the same room as this Pussycat Doll twat or her Girlicious crew, but everything to do with open bar….an invention that has made weddings something I wish I had the confidence to crash, but the one time I did crash a wedding was at some ghetto reception hall and by the time I worked my way in there, it turned out that it was an Asian wedding and I was the only non asian there, who was politely asked to leave before they pulled some ninja on me, but luckily before they did, I managed to grab a beer….ever since then, even after seeing the movie, I can’t bring myself to do it, but instead I just sit here dreaming of it, instead of finding a way to make money so that everyday feels like open bar…even when it isn’t, not that you care, but maybe you will care about Nicole Scherzinger’s tight body, cuz despite looking way too much like a Kardashian black man urinal, and just as cheesy as the Kardashians, she’s still worth noticing, I guess….

I’ve never heard of Paradiso, but apparently they are some band and I have no interest in looking them up because I’m only posting this cuz she’s in some see-thru mess bullshit that is touching her pussy, ass and tits all at the same time, in some kind of magical article of clothing that has far more reach or skill than my hands, cuz I can only do pussy and ass, or pussy and tit or ass at tit at the same time, I never mastered all three lady parts at once, and for that, this American Apparel leotard is a far better lover than I could ever be….

I haven’t figured out what look this joke of a person is ripping off today in her quest to be “original” but I’m pretty sure it’s a mix of the gay biker who fucked Freddie Mercury up the ass and gave him Aids and short pudgy girl with a weak chin. Her act is fuckin’ weak and I think it’s time for her to disappear mainly because anything that looks like this should be working behind the cash at the dollar store and not making money traveling the world polluting our youth with her serious insecurities that stem from having no friends growing up and that are masked as “artistic vision”. I just want to know who buys her shit cuz I think the only authentic thing about the shit is how ugly she is, the rest is all a BULLSHIT lie and I hate when I am lied to by the media……

I don’t understand why hipsters are dressing like poverty trash from the 90s. It is starting to piss me off everytime I see a motherfucker with a mullet, stupid glasses, a loud throwback t-shirt of some garbage sports team, a pair of tight cut off acid wash jean shorts, a fanny pack and fuckin’ velcro shoes with stupid socks pulled up, like they were the retarded kid down the street who huffed gas for a good time cuz he couldn’t afford fuckin’ booze, so Rihanna in this vest just doesn’t make sense to me. Not that I’m a fashionable dude, but because she looks like a fuckin’ idiot and as the days progress and the fact my dog barked at her on TV like she was a dog, I’m starting to hate her more and more and I’d thought I’d let you all know that praise I was giving her was just misguided jungle fever.

I am still trying to figure out who told Victoria’s Secret to get out of lingerie and to go into everyday clothes because these photoshoot pics of Doutzen Kroes would be a lot more interesting if I could see her pussy. I guess when people try to make money they lose their fuckin’ soul and we all have to fuckin’ suffer. Not that the Victoria’s Secret catalog played a huge role in my life, but the idea of girls in their underwear is a hell of a lot more interesting that the idea of girls in jeans. Pretty simple logic…

Phoebe Price is lookin’ pretty doughy. I guess there’s nothing more magical than seeing a woman’s curves slowly morph into a boxy menopausal midsection, one that should be kept under wraps and saved for a surprise for the poor fucker who brings your ageless ass home to fuck one night when drunk, unsure of whether you are 25 or 60, but willing to cum inside you because not much else is goin’ on, but also because he clearly knows you don’t get your period anymore. This is some push-up bra shit, but on a whole other dry pussy, extremely emotional level and I still have no idea who this bitch is.

Rihanna is out on the scene and showing off her bra and stomach. Maybe she's desperate for male attention, you know after her one true love beat the shit out of her for not giving him a blowjob, forcing her to release nude pictures of herself, hoping to get someone to bite, but settling with that kid in a wheelchair from Degrassi who is now a famous rapper, but who still can't get it up because he is paralyzed from the waste down, leaving her sexually frustrated and alone, forcing her to seduce people like me via paparazzi pictures, and despite the stupid hair, I think she's amazing, and that is partially why I've been watching that Kanye Paranoid video over and over and over and over, the other reason's got to do with boredom, OCD and a broken computer that for some reason keeps opening the file and playing it like a sign from god telling me to masturbate to it, since I haven't masturbated to a music video since the fucking 90s and it's time to connect with where I came from as to not lose myself. If you know what I mean.

Here’s some Playboy model at some event that is obviously feeling the recession and can only really afford to bring in some low fucking level talent to work whatever the fuck she’s working in some weird 90s middrift top. This is one step away from where she belongs, handing out condom samples to high school students, explaining how important safe sex is because she didn’t think condoms were that big of a deal but now her pussy won’t stop dripping green shit.

Hey man, I tried. That’s all I can really do, what the fuck else do you expect me to say about some Playmate in non-nude pictures at a fucking event. I haven’t left my house in 4 days, I can’t really relate to decent blonde pussy, I mean other than via masturbation fantasies, so I’m leaving this post as is.

It was Fergie’s birthday this weekend and here she is showing off her midsection.

Speaking of birthdays, I went to Lady Gaga’s birthday performance, a friend of mine snuck me in, and I realize that I used to rag on Fergie about being a tranny, but that was before I had experienced Lady Gaga, who makes Fergie look like Emily Post’s poster girl of femininity. You know the kind of girl you look at and think about how good of a mother and wife she must be, and not the kind of girl you think has a dick.

Either way, Gaga was like watching a horrible drag show, where she talked about how sexy she is, about money and being famous all while hiding her mangled face behind various masks, because bother her and her record lable know she needs to keep that mess under wraps because she’s a fucking monster.

I stood in the back, getting drunk, making fun of some band that opened from her that were on The Hills and who’s lead singer had a massive cold sore. I also made fun of the fags dressed like Gaga, the girl who thought she was Gaga and pretty much everyone else…so I had an amazing time, unfortunately Gaga didn’t die of a drug overdose on stage.

Looks like Nicolette found a new Michael Bolton to sniff her dirty panties, eat her used tampons, watch her shit, fuck, masturbate and cry in the form of a Golden Retriever, sure it may not be as socially acceptable when people catch him in the trailer licking Cheeze Whiz off her cunt, but having people know you fuck a dog’s a lot less embarrassing than admitting you ever dated Michael Bolton, not to mention the Dog’s a better singer.

It also looks like Nicolette Sheridan has a good body for an old lady as she continues to be my evidence that not having babies may be against natures way and may leave a lot of regret down the line, but at least you can drink that pain away, instead of sitting on your fat ass exhausted from changing diapers and driving kids to day care.

So Lily Allen decided to bust out her classiest Jackie-O outfit and hit the streets showing the world her barren stomach. I get a lot of hate for laughing about her miscarriage because I don’t think she actually had one and if I am wrong, which I don’t think I am, she was drinking and smoking and pretty much was responsible for that shit. So when I say things like “here she is walking without her baby because it was never born”, or if I say “here are her nipples making an appearance hoping to find the baby they were hormonally ready for before it was rudely taken from them”, or when I say “her body still looks 4 months pregnant, maybe she pulled the miscarriage out of the toilet and stuffed it back in her because she can’t accept the loss just yet”, I don’t mean to offend all the people out there trying to have babies but instead are dealing with constant disappointment and sadness because their bodies aren’t taking shit well, I do mean to offend Lily Allen for being an irresponsible fat chick who would have made a horrible parent and probably made the right choice, but we can still laugh about it because I know no tears were shed over this, maybe just minor inconvenience.

Either way, here she is showing off her body and I must be horny becaue I find these pictures kinda hot, but in my defense, I find a lot of disgusting things hot.

Maria Menounos is running and I can only assume it’s because she either realized she had a big fat greek ass or maybe it’s because she gorged on Baklava and this is a guilty run from overeating, but it doesn’t really matter because, like most greek chicks I know she’s got a pretty flat stomach that I don’t mind staring at because I know the minute bitch turns around the tight body goes South and by South I mean she’s packing more meat than the butcher at the grocery store on Independence Day weekend. The thing I’ve always liked about big greek ass is how easy it is to slip my dick in it, like shit’s naturally lubricated with olive oil in some kind of twisted cultural genetic flaw that explains all their historical anal sex with young student stories, but then again I’ve never had a hard time having anal with any girl, my girth is just that pathetic.

So it turns out that when I go out, it’s pretty much the live-action version of this website. I get off on disturbing the peace and shit disturbing. I am not entirely sure the shit I say and do because I am fucking wasted and don’t really keep tabs on it, because I am too busy trying to stand but I do know that at some after party I was at last night, I was asked to leave, and by asked I mean the bouncer grabbed me and escorted me out.

At the time I didn’t realize what I had done to deserve that abuse, and just thought they were racist, and put up a fight but it turns out that I was chasing a girl around the party trying to snap pictures of her, she ended up poking me in the eye and I decided to threaten to beat her up, not because I was actually mad or because I would have gone through with it, I am pretty weak and usually get hurt by girls if it ever leads to a throw down, I just do it to wrestle them and have a legitimate excuse to grab their tits. I just thought it was funny and did it for dramatic effect. I’m poetic like that.

Speaking of dramatic effect, Gemma Atkinson’s got a treasure trail like a dude…It’s kinda confusing me because the contrast of her big tits and her hairy stomach is making me feel like I just walked into the changing room at a drag show, which hasn’t happened yet, but after seeing these pictures, should.