How the Diamond Industry is Killing Millennials

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa – When millennials killed the diamond industry by frittering away their wealth on extravagances like food and housing, diamond giant De Beers was forced to avenge itself adapt its business model. CEO Bruce Cleaver realized that the struggling company could keep the lights on by charging eccentric billionaires to hunt millennials for sport.

“The most dangerous game,” mumbled Cleaver, clad in the hardhat safari khaki of a nineteenth century European colonial hunter.

De Beers keeps its 2,000 square mile game preserve fully stocked by luring 18-35 year olds into the jungles of South Africa under the promise of corporate-sponsored travel blogging.

“To those who say our operation is not humane, I will tell you that these kids seem happier here than at home. They haven’t even thrown one protest. Also, free Wi-Fi,” Cleaver said, referencing a herd of flanneled man-buns on the move, beards flapping majestically in the breeze, the scent of fresh avocado toast and craft IPA wafting through the forest.

“My God,” said Cleaver, firing a shot into a group of girls in rompers Instagramming over a mimosa brunch at their café watering hole. “Nature is beautiful.”