LMizzle: Don’t Eat It! (Milk Bone Edition)

A really funny blog I read The Sneeze, has a segment once and a while called “Steve, don’t eat it!”, which I LOVE. I was thinking on the weekend that I have eaten some pretty strange stuff, so let me bring you on my journey.

I like to know when a dog food or treat brand claims to taste like a human-loved flavor, if they ever really catch the true essence of what that food tastes like. That’s right, I try some of my dog’s food. Strictly for scientific purposes…of course.

Cringing…that’s what you may be doing right now, but I guarantee you’ve wondered the same thing about certain dog foods and treats, and I am just insane enough to taste test this stuff.

On today’s menu we have the ever fatty-making dog treats, the Milk Bone Soft & Chewy treats*. YUMMERS! I, of course, have chosen the bag with the pug on it, which claims to have two delicious family favorites, ham and cheese! I LOVE CHEESE! I tried one of these once before, but just to ensure that I have as accurate of a taste test as possible, I am going to go get one…

Upon first putting it in my mouth, I am reminded of the smell of my junior high gym class. Actually, the girl’s locker room didn’t even smell THIS bad. Wow.

This thing is really, REALLY salty. My goodness! The texture is a bit of a new one to me as well. I’d liken it to perhaps something like freeze-dried oatmeal.

Now, I don’t even eat meat really, ESPECIALLY not chicken, but I am here for all of you, and so I have eaten a Milk Bone dog chew. This is how I spend a Tuesday evening.

I couldn’t even swallow it. I sat chewing it and trying to figure out if I was eating old bark off a tree, but it really didn’t deserve a swallow. I had to drink some OJ and Pepsi to get the rusty bucket taste out of my mouth!

The people at Milk Bone are LYING to us. This treat does not taste like chicken, unless their chickens play a full four-quarter football game with all the football gear on and don’t shower and then go to the mill to be killed and made into sweaty little chicken treats. What’s worse is, HOW DO THEY STAY SOFT?!

This is not a mystery for me to solve though.

So if you’re ever out of food somehow but are crazy enough to eat Milk Bone dog treats….I’d go eat a cardboard box. It would probably taste better.

Up next: Lucky Brand Dog Biscuits! Pizza flavor!

*Note: I only have Milk Bone treats at home because I fed them to Winston because those were basically the only treats he liked. These have made him into a little fatty though. I recommend veggies and fruits for your pup!

It is pretty messed up that we have humanized our animals so much that we are convinced that they need “honey glazed salmon” flavoured treats. If Winston likes salty-flavoured meal, who are we to disagree?