+ Good day, loyal readers!!! Weedicle Reality Checker here. Today the University finds itself on the brink of total annihilation. Please read.

+ Last Sunday the Young Toolbag Nominating Committee selected three finalists for the Young Toolbag Pageant, an esteemed position known to most as students as “an extra line on the resume.” However, Weedicle Reality Checker can exclusively reveal now that two of the finalists selected are under investigation for being the same person!!!

Candidates “Matt Davis” and The Kid from Texas (sometimes known as “Ben Getson”) are believed to be the same individual, YTNC officials confirmed Tuesday morning.

“I first became suspicious when I saw their pictures in the Chronic,’” a member of the YTNC (who wishes to remain anonymous) explained. “Both dudes were white with brown hair and glasses. We never talked to the candidates all at once. They could have just worn different shirts to their interviews.”

Since Sunday, four other members of the YTNC have come forward attesting that “Matt Davis” and The Kid from Texas are the same person. Some committee members are still skeptical, though. As one member told RC, “When I read their majors, it suddenly became clear. ‘Biomedical engineering?’ ‘Computer science?’ I mean, those sound exactly the same to me. Then again… so does ‘Underwater Basket Weaving’ and ‘Public Policy.’ It is just too difficult to be certain.”

YTNC Chair and SGD Senator Charisma Lawson continues to maintain that the two candidates are definitely two different individuals. “I mean, one kid is involved in SGD, the other is not. It’s comparing apples to oranges. Now for the girl candidates, on the other hand… to this day I could not tell you which one we chose as a finalist. I just know it was a girl. They are all basically the same anyway, right?”

+ Thus far, there has been no word from the Allen building. This reeks of lacrosse!!!

Bryan Center—Four students delivered the death blow to the sham often called Duke Student Government today. The judiciary ruled in favor of the four complainants who succeeded in disqualifying their opponents in the DSG elections for vice presidents, senators and class council to be held this Thursday.

The complainants were able to increase the number of uncontested elections from three to 11, effectively raping democracy so hard that she will probably never trust another student government candidate again. (more…)

Durham County District Court—North Carolina Attorney General Harold Clarendon announced today in a press conference that all charges against Crystal Mangum have been dropped. Clarendon called Durham District Attorney Louis Vilcon a “rogue prosecutor” for his knowingly making false statements in criminal proceedings against Mangum.

Early last week, Mangum was accused of attempting to murder her boyfriend, Mark Runner. Runner’s story, however, quickly raised suspicions when it was clear that the arresting officer had a history of discrimination against black males and when crime scene photographs of the bathroom where the alleged crime occurred indicated that the room was too small for Mangum, Runner and three children to stand in. (more…)

Old Chem—In a three-page complaint filed Friday, an anonymous student alleges that Public Policy 55D Section Three’s asshole, Lewis Pojman, uses the aid of a teleprompter to give prepared answers to questions asked by the teaching assistant. The complaint also alleges that Pojman had prior knowledge of the questions, which he gained from students in earlier sections. Although the use of teleprompters by students is not prohibited by University policy, if the allegations against Pojman are verified, Pojman will be elevated to status of “First Rate Toolbag.”

Main Quadrangle—Hundreds of troops forming almost a dozen legions were spotted on campus today, marching and training for what Duke Intelligence Agency officials have warned could be an attack upon campus soil.

Sources at Intercampus Police have confirmed that general infantry movements were spotted in areas previously thought to be impenetrable, like the Chapel and McClendon Tower.

A state of emergency has been declared on campus, yet it is still unclear what the growing army wants, Duke administrators say. An unidentified member of the army’s fifth legion allegedly told one civilian that some of the army’s demands include the immediate repainting of the Bryan Center in pastel colors, like aqua and pink; a mandatory restriction on the number of calories students may consume per day; and a dramatic increase in the number of pearl earrings worn by civilian females.

Chapel Hill Street—Six Durham residents were robbed at gunpoint last night by two Duke students. The two students, described as 5’11” white males of medium build, came into the gas station at approximately 2:23 a.m., wearing royal-blue Duke hoodies pulled tightly over their heads and brandishing revolvers.

One of the students demanded the the clerk empty the cash register and hand over all the cash, while the other took personal belongings from the customers. “I just don’t feel safe coming around Duke’s campus these days,”said Marshall Peters, who had his wallet stolen by the pair. Durham County Police Chief Graham Gloria said that the victims were largely at fault for coming that close to Duke’s campus that late at night. “You can’t expect to come anywhere near Duke’s campus without getting robbed by Duke students. If you weren’t such easy targets, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

Early Tuesday morning, two students were victims of an armed robbery. As a reminder, please be aware of the following general safety precautions:

1. When confronted with a potential robber, make sure you make “I” statements. Be assertive without putting the blame on the listener. ( e.g. “I understand that I have money that I should be giving to you.”) (more…)