All's Well That Ends Well

Second Lord. I have delivered it an hour since: there is
something in't that stings his nature; for on the
2095reading it he changed almost into another man.

First Lord. He has much worthy blame laid upon him for shaking
off so good a wife and so sweet a lady.

Second Lord. Especially he hath incurred the everlasting
displeasure of the king, who had even tuned his
2100bounty to sing happiness to him. I will tell you a
thing, but you shall let it dwell darkly with you.

First Lord. When you have spoken it, 'tis dead, and I am the
grave of it.

Second Lord. He hath perverted a young gentlewoman here in
2105Florence, of a most chaste renown; and this night he
fleshes his will in the spoil of her honour: he hath
given her his monumental ring, and thinks himself
made in the unchaste composition.

First Lord. Now, God delay our rebellion! as we are ourselves,
2110what things are we!

Second Lord. Merely our own traitors. And as in the common course
of all treasons, we still see them reveal
themselves, till they attain to their abhorred ends,
so he that in this action contrives against his own
2115nobility, in his proper stream o'erflows himself.

First Lord. Is it not meant damnable in us, to be trumpeters of
our unlawful intents? We shall not then have his
company to-night?

Second Lord. Not till after midnight; for he is dieted to his hour.
2120

First Lord. That approaches apace; I would gladly have him see
his company anatomized, that he might take a measure
of his own judgments, wherein so curiously he had
set this counterfeit.

Second Lord. We will not meddle with him till he come; for his
2125presence must be the whip of the other.

Second Lord. What will Count Rousillon do then? will he travel
2130higher, or return again into France?

First Lord. I perceive, by this demand, you are not altogether
of his council.

Second Lord. Let it be forbid, sir; so should I be a great deal
of his act.
2135

First Lord. Sir, his wife some two months since fled from his
house: her pretence is a pilgrimage to Saint Jaques
le Grand; which holy undertaking with most austere
sanctimony she accomplished; and, there residing the
tenderness of her nature became as a prey to her
2140grief; in fine, made a groan of her last breath, and
now she sings in heaven.

First Lord. The stronger part of it by her own letters, which
makes her story true, even to the point of her
2145death: her death itself, which could not be her
office to say is come, was faithfully confirmed by
the rector of the place.

Second Lord. And how mightily some other times we drown our gain
in tears! The great dignity that his valour hath
2155here acquired for him shall at home be encountered
with a shame as ample.

First Lord. The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and
ill together: our virtues would be proud, if our
faults whipped them not; and our crimes would
2160despair, if they were not cherished by our virtues.
[Enter a Messenger]How now! where's your master?

Servant. He met the duke in the street, sir, of whom he hath
taken a solemn leave: his lordship will next
2165morning for France. The duke hath offered him
letters of commendations to the king.

Second Lord. They shall be no more than needful there, if they
were more than they can commend.

First Lord. They cannot be too sweet for the king's tartness.
2170Here's his lordship now.
[Enter BERTRAM]How now, my lord! is't not after midnight?

Bertram. I have to-night dispatched sixteen businesses, a
month's length a-piece, by an abstract of success:
2175I have congied with the duke, done my adieu with his
nearest; buried a wife, mourned for her; writ to my
lady mother I am returning; entertained my convoy;
and between these main parcels of dispatch effected
many nicer needs; the last was the greatest, but
2180that I have not ended yet.

Second Lord. If the business be of any difficulty, and this
morning your departure hence, it requires haste of
your lordship.

Bertram. I mean, the business is not ended, as fearing to
2185hear of it hereafter. But shall we have this
dialogue between the fool and the soldier? Come,
bring forth this counterfeit module, he has deceived
me, like a double-meaning prophesier.

Second Lord. Bring him forth: has sat i' the stocks all night,
2190poor gallant knave.

Bertram. No matter: his heels have deserved it, in usurping
his spurs so long. How does he carry himself?

Second Lord. I have told your lordship already, the stocks carry
him. But to answer you as you would be understood;
2195he weeps like a wench that had shed her milk: he
hath confessed himself to Morgan, whom he supposes
to be a friar, from the time of his remembrance to
this very instant disaster of his setting i' the
stocks: and what think you he hath confessed?
2200

First Lord. You're deceived, my lord: this is Monsieur
Parolles, the gallant militarist,—that was his own
phrase,—that had the whole theoric of war in the
knot of his scarf, and the practise in the chape of
2230his dagger.

Second Lord. I will never trust a man again for keeping his sword
clean. nor believe he can have every thing in him
by wearing his apparel neatly.

Parolles. I humbly thank you, sir: a truth's a truth, the
rogues are marvellous poor.

First Soldier. [Reads] 'Demand of him, of what strength they are
2245a-foot.' What say you to that?

Parolles. By my troth, sir, if I were to live this present
hour, I will tell true. Let me see: Spurio, a
hundred and fifty; Sebastian, so many; Corambus, so
many; Jaques, so many; Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick,
2250and Gratii, two hundred and fifty each; mine own
company, Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii, two hundred and
fifty each: so that the muster-file, rotten and
sound, upon my life, amounts not to fifteen thousand
poll; half of the which dare not shake snow from off
2255their cassocks, lest they shake themselves to pieces.

First Lord. Nothing, but let him have thanks. Demand of him my
condition, and what credit I have with the duke.

First Soldier. Well, that's set down.
2260[Reads]'You shall demand of him, whether one Captain Dumain
be i' the camp, a Frenchman; what his reputation is
with the duke; what his valour, honesty, and
expertness in wars; or whether he thinks it were not
2265possible, with well-weighing sums of gold, to
corrupt him to revolt.' What say you to this? what
do you know of it?

Parolles. I beseech you, let me answer to the particular of
the inter'gatories: demand them singly.
2270

Parolles. That is not the duke's letter, sir; that is an
2295advertisement to a proper maid in Florence, one
Diana, to take heed of the allurement of one Count
Rousillon, a foolish idle boy, but for all that very
ruttish: I pray you, sir, put it up again.

Parolles. My meaning in't, I protest, was very honest in the
behalf of the maid; for I knew the young count to be
a dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale to
virginity and devours up all the fry it finds.

First Soldier. [Reads] 'When he swears oaths, bid him drop gold, and take it;
After he scores, he never pays the score:
Half won is match well made; match, and well make it;
He ne'er pays after-debts, take it before;
And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this,
2310Men are to mell with, boys are not to kiss:
For count of this, the count's a fool, I know it,
Who pays before, but not when he does owe it.
Thine, as he vowed to thee in thine ear,
PAROLLES.'
2315

Bertram. He shall be whipped through the army with this rhyme
in's forehead.

Second Lord. This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifold
linguist and the armipotent soldier.

Bertram. I could endure any thing before but a cat, and now
2320he's a cat to me.

First Soldier. I perceive, sir, by the general's looks, we shall be
fain to hang you.

Parolles. My life, sir, in any case: not that I am afraid to
die; but that, my offences being many, I would
2325repent out the remainder of nature: let me live,
sir, in a dungeon, i' the stocks, or any where, so I may live.

First Soldier. We'll see what may be done, so you confess freely;
therefore, once more to this Captain Dumain: you
have answered to his reputation with the duke and to
2330his valour: what is his honesty?

Parolles. He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister: for
rapes and ravishments he parallels Nessus: he
professes not keeping of oaths; in breaking 'em he
is stronger than Hercules: he will lie, sir, with
2335such volubility, that you would think truth were a
fool: drunkenness is his best virtue, for he will
be swine-drunk; and in his sleep he does little
harm, save to his bed-clothes about him; but they
know his conditions and lay him in straw. I have but
2340little more to say, sir, of his honesty: he has
every thing that an honest man should not have; what
an honest man should have, he has nothing.

Parolles. Faith, sir, he has led the drum before the English
tragedians; to belie him, I will not, and more of
his soldiership I know not; except, in that country
2350he had the honour to be the officer at a place there
called Mile-end, to instruct for the doubling of
files: I would do the man what honour I can, but of
this I am not certain.

First Lord. He hath out-villained villany so far, that the
2355rarity redeems him.

Parolles. E'en a crow o' the same nest; not altogether so
great as the first in goodness, but greater a great
deal in evil: he excels his brother for a coward,
yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is:
2370in a retreat he outruns any lackey; marry, in coming
on he has the cramp.

First Soldier. If your life be saved, will you undertake to betray
the Florentine?

Parolles. [Aside] I'll no more drumming; a plague of all
drums! Only to seem to deserve well, and to
beguile the supposition of that lascivious young boy
the count, have I run into this danger. Yet who
2380would have suspected an ambush where I was taken?

First Soldier. There is no remedy, sir, but you must die: the
general says, you that have so traitorously
discovered the secrets of your army and made such
pestiferous reports of men very nobly held, can
2385serve the world for no honest use; therefore you
must die. Come, headsman, off with his head.

First Soldier. If you could find out a country where but women were
2405that had received so much shame, you might begin an
impudent nation. Fare ye well, sir; I am for France
too: we shall speak of you there.

[Exit with Soldiers]

Parolles. Yet am I thankful: if my heart were great,
2410'Twould burst at this. Captain I'll be no more;
But I will eat and drink, and sleep as soft
As captain shall: simply the thing I am
Shall make me live. Who knows himself a braggart,
Let him fear this, for it will come to pass
2415that every braggart shall be found an ass.
Rust, sword? cool, blushes! and, Parolles, live
Safest in shame! being fool'd, by foolery thrive!
There's place and means for every man alive.
I'll after them.
2420