Reasons It’s Good That Harry Potter Magic Doesn’t Exist

Scientists in the UK have been working with a material known as Metaflex that has unique light manipulating properties. It is hoped that this will eventually lead to the creation of a functional invisibility cloak like the one in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter universe.

I know what you’re thinking, J.K. Rowling’s universe is so magical. What wouldn’t I give to plop down in Hogsmeade with a tankard of butterbeer!

I disagree. The day I have to worry about invisible punks running around my business is the day I start randomly kicking and punching the air whenever I walk into a room.

So, I want these UK scientists to know that I’m keeping an eye on them. And while I’m at it, here are five other Harry Potter-inspired things they need to stay away from.

Felix Felecis aka Liquid Luck
People who defend steroids in sports say that steroids can’t give you the hand-eye coordination it takes to hit a homerun. I agree, but it can turn a warning-track out into a souvenir. Clearly, it turned a hall-of-fame talent like Barry Bonds into a contender for the greatest of all time and ruined stats forever.

Liquid Luck would be even worse. The last thing we need is a switch-hitting Victor Krum waltzing into the league and beating Hank Aaron’s homerun record (sorry…Barry Bonds’s homerun record) in a single season. What’s worse is then we’d have to watch him win the lottery, marry Trish Stratus, and discover a natural Capri Sun spring.

Whereabouts Clock
I bought my first cell phone in 2006. Yeah, I know I was late to the dance, but I didn’t see a need for people to be able to reach me at any time. So, the fact that Mrs. Weasley could just glance up at a Whereabouts Clock at any time and know where I am kind of wigs me out.

Something else that wigs me out? Why is “prison” one of the options on this clock?

The Time Turner
This entry has less to do with the actual invention and more to do with the nonchalance the wizarding community has shown when deciding who they entrust with this power. For as wise as Dumbledore and his crew get credit for being, THEY HANDED A TIME TRAVEL DEVICE TO A GRADE SCHOOLER.

Sorry to get all caps-locky on you for that, but that point can’t be emphasized enough.

I’m sure they had the best intentions, but the fact is time travel doesn’t always end up with George McFly getting a publishing deal. Sometimes it ends with Biff forcing your mom to get breast implants.

Quidditch
This one’s a little different than the other items on this list. I don’t have a problem with people zipping around on broomsticks and bludgering their quaffles on their way to snatching the snitch. (Is that the right terminology?)

My concern is that real Quidditch will make the ridiculous Ground Quidditch go away. And the sight of college kids pretending to fly on brooms in their PJs while chasing a kid in a gold costume is way too entertaining.

Polyjuice Potion
As if the obvious pranks and identity theft weren’t enough of a reason to put a stop to the invention of polyjuice potion, here’s another one…

Fake Celebrity Pornography.

Oh sure, the Halle Berry and Scarlett Johansson fans of the world would certainly enjoy this new development. But if the Internet has taught us anything it’s that there are very few barriers when it comes to this medium. How long until we’re seeing Andy Rooney and Pete Rose double-teaming Susan Boyle?!