"Well, I feel like pickin' a fight...with anybody who claims they're right...all the preacher men, the politicians, all the critics and the things they write..."--Bob Walkenhorst, The Rainmakers "Reckoning Day" (1989)

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

The Dumbest Celebrity Product Endorsements of All-Time

(In no particular order)

Penny Marshall/Rosie O’Donnell—K-Mart (early ‘00s): Did the K-Mart people really expect us to believe that these two actually shopped there? If so, I have some prime oceanfront property for sale in Manitoba I’d like to discuss with them...

Star Jones—PaylessShoeSource (2004): Same scenario as above—I found it difficult to fathom that this vain, pompous and phony Oprah wanna-be would be caught dead shopping for strappy sandals there. Hell, even I stopped shopping there for athletic shoes years ago...

Joe Namath—BeautyMist pantyhose (early ‘70s): Pretty self-explanatory—what the hell were they/he thinking?!? What, they couldn’t get Angie Dickinson or Ann-Margret to do these ads? Or Cher? Lola Falana? Sandy Duncan, at least? Any celebrity with some decent legs? Even the drag queen Archie Bunker gave CPR to on "All In The Family" would have been a step in the right direction...

George Foreman—Meineke mufflers (current): Car repair advice from an overweight has-been boxer who’s been hit in the head one too many times? No thanks—I’ll stick with Mr. Goodwrench.

Gene Simmons—Miller Lite beer (2005): For the last 30 years, I’ve heard this guy constantly brag about how he doesn’t drink alcohol—all the while bashing Ace Frehley and Peter Criss for doing the same. So what the filth-flarn-filth is he doing on a beer commercial? Damn sell out! He could’ve at least endorsed a decent beer like Budweiser or Michelob Ultra. Miller Lite tastes like someone has already drank it before you have...Karl Malone—Rogaine (late ‘90s): Either the Rogaine didn't work for the "Mailman" or Gillette made him a better offer because he shaves his head totally bald now...

Brenda Vaccaro—Playtex Tampons (early ‘80s): The SCTV parody of these ads by Andrea Martin is a total hoot. Vaccaro sounded like a moose in heat! Feminine protection products and celebrities should NOT mix...

John Stamos—1-800-Collect (circa 2002-03): These vapid ads were the ultimate in lameness, featuring the biggest hack sitcom actor this side of Tony Danza blathering on incessantly about who he talks to on the phone. Can you believe A&E actually did a "Biography" episode on this guy? They are definitely hitting bottom here—who are they gonna profile next, Ted McGinley? Adrian Zmed? Oy!

Catherine Zeta-Jones—T-Mobile cell phones (circa 2004-05): I should point out here that CZ-J’s peers—successful actresses like Renee Zellweger and Kate Winslet, to name two—don’t seem to need to hawk cell phones for a living during the prime of their careers. This activity is strictly for has-beens or never-were's...

Rula Lenska—Alberto VO-5 shampoo (late ‘70s): This alleged actress from England was so unknown when these ads were running, it even prompted Johnny Carson to ask, "Who the hell is Rula Lenska?!?" It’s still a mystery to this day even though the commercials puffed her up to be the biggest movie star this side of Liz Taylor. She DID have pretty red hair, though…