5. Margarita
Living in the Southwest, you can't escape the salty seduction of a good margarita. Unfortunately, one 9-ounce glassful packs about 510 calories. Ordering a couple rounds of these while waiting for your carne asada burrito will surely earn you you the nickname "gordo" if you make it a habit.

4. Piña Colada
"If you like Piña Coladas..." then you better like the elliptical machine, too. A 9-ounce serving of the pineapple-coconut concoction carries 520 calories. Drinking these in a bikini on a tropical shore is respectably ballsy, but too many and you may have to purchase a muumuu instead.

​3. White Russian
The White Russian tends to be the "man cocktail" because every bar has that guy who thinks he's "The Dude." At 540 calories a pop (7 ounces), however, that "Dude" is in real danger of putting the "Big" in The Big Lebowski. You wouldn't drink cream out of the carton, so why drink it with vodka?

2. Mai Tai
You gotta love a fruity Polynesian beverage in a tall, fancy glass; but do you love it 620 calories worth for 9 ounces of tastebud pleasure? Between the light rum, dark rum, sweet and sour, pineapple juice, triple sec and creme de almond, this drink is literally its own meal.

1. Long Island Iced Tea
If you order a Long Island Iced Tea, chances are you're out for trouble anyway, but this booze-heavy beverage also packs in the calories like it's saving them from the Great Flood. You're looking at 789 Calories for a 12-ounce glass; so even if your boyfriend breaks your heart and you want to self-medicate, carefully weigh the options of being heartbroken vs. heartbroken, wasted and 10 pounds heavier.