Gravely ill Clinton “still preferable”

by philapilus

Embalmed and stuffed: but still better

Medical experts said today that even if Hillary Clinton was very ill indeed she would still make a better president than Donald Trump.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Washington school for Overanalysing Presidential Candidate Health, said “We’ve been running multiple computer simulations of how a sick Hillary Clinton might fare in office, ever since it emerged yesterday that she has pneumonia.

“Using complicated algorithms we’ve examined every possibility of every health issue Secretary Clinton could potentially suffer, from a mild case of the snuffles to round-the-clock reliance on life support.

“What we have discovered is that even if she was in a coma and her brain was mashed-potato, she’d still be a far better leader than Trump.”

McEyebrau and a panel of world experts modelled every conceivable scenario of how health problems would beset either candidate should they become president.

They concluded that in all the scenarios where Hillary was president – including one where her stuffed corpse held office, with an octopus randomly picking balls out of jars to make policy decisions – the world has a 99.997% chance of continuing beyond early November.

Conversely the world’s only hope of surviving for more than a week past the election of Donald Trump is if he gets so ill that he is unable to communicate in any way whatsoever – especially via his preferred method of avant-garde performance art.

“I have health, I have great health, people say I have the best health, and what I can tell you about my health is that it is great, and it’s going to be really good. I had a doctor check me over yesterday and he said ‘Donald, you really, really need to take your pills’. Which just proves I’m fine.

“So in conclusion folks, I’m definitely the smart choice if you want a president whose health is as good as his hair.”