I haven't seen any other postings since your 12/16 one, so I just want to jump in here and offer my own words of empathy. I, too, buried my precious daughter and wanted nothing more than to die so I could be with her (thanks to the p-e, I almost did). As you can see by the other posts, the feelings you are having are completely justified, normal and frankly warranted. Preeclampsia is not discriminating. And the loss of your baby is a brutal attack on your very soul. While it is normal to be mad at God and sometimes I even encourage some venting toward Him, please be VERY careful to not succomb to the "it must have been God's will" phrases that well-meaning people often say. Maybe you are even playing that tape over and over b/c you've heard it so often during your life. It is NOT God's will. Death and grief and destruction of a human life is NEVER God's will. God grieves WITH us when "Sh*t happens" b/c life is not perfect and bad stuff does happen. Yes, we sometimes hear about miraculous interventions and I'm a firm believer that prayer and God's grace can alter a bad thing, but that's not normal life. Normal life can really suck sometimes. The God who's birthday you did not want to celebrate is the same God who wept with grief over the death of his dear friend Lazarus. Please know that as surely as every one of us on this forum is grieving with you, and loving you even though we don't "know" you, there is One who grieves and loves even more perfectly. You are not alone and soon, I pray, you will part the dark curtain that hangs around you just enough to find moments of clarity and meaning in all this. Please, if you ever want to talk, I can just listen...I promise no more preaching [;)]. Your despair is so, so very familiar to my heart. I cry with you, I cry for you.

Sorry, I meant to put a quick disclaimer in my last post. While I am a Board Member and committed volunteer for the Preeclampsia Foundation, we are not a religious organization and my comments do not reflect the PF's position on spiritual matters. They are my personal words only. I just know that not too many people can go through tragic losses of babies, mothers, etc. without some consternation about God's role in all this ugliness.

While I agree with most of your post and thought it was beautifully said, I am one of those "It was God's will" people. I know Erik is in heaven and God wants him there. That doesn't mean he wanted my husband and I to suffer, but if I didn't believe what happened was God's will, I'd go nuts thinking it was something we did or could have prevented. Thanks for the wonderful words.

Therese Mom to
Jonathan - born 10/4/95 at 28 weeks due to HELLP
Angel in Heaven - Erik 12/20/02 due to placental abruption
And "Baby dot" - EDD 9/11/04!

I don't think we can ever rationally understand or know why we lost our babies. Our minds can't comprehend such things. When it first happened I felt like it was my fault. Maybe I was being punished for something. I'm beyond that point now, and I agree that God is not out to hurt us!
For every one of us, how we process the loss is so personal. I look at my baby Jacqueline as a sort of angel who, out of love, came to me as a teacher. I embrace her spirit now; she has become part of me. This may sound a little out-there or over the top, but I feel like I've been touched by a spirit from beyond this world. Hope that doesn't sound too crazy!!
Lisa

I am new here. I lost my baby girl at 38 wks yesterday morning at 2:23 a.m. to Pre-eclampsia for a 3rd time.I have a 4 y.o. (26 weeks) and a 2 y.o. (36 weeks). Both are healthy now, but I don't even want to look at them right now. It's a constant reminder that Ashton should be here with them. I have never felt so hopeless in all my life. I can't eat. I can't sleep, but yet all I want to do is sleep the rest of my life away. I have her lifeless body etched forever in my mind. Tomorrow I will be able to hold her one last time at the viewing. I don't think I can give her back to watch her be put into the ground. Billions of things are runing through my mind. Is she cold? Is she afraid? I realize these are ridiculous thoughts, but I can't get rid of them. Help?