Thursday, February 18, 1999

I have thought often about sharing what I have written on this site with certain members of my family. Most, to this day, don’t know the site even exists. My fear has always been that it would be read and its content would wound. That is not the intention of these pages, yet it is a possible reaction/result of its ingestion. Recently my mom visited with family. While there, they attempted to find my website, which my mother knows exists, but I had never given her the URL. I’m not quite sure I remember telling her that its content was rather serious, intense, etc. But, the other day she e-mailed me and mentioned they had searched for the address to no avail. I considered glossing over the comment, and not addressing it. And then I thought about it and decided to share it with my mom…I made that decision for a variety of reasons.

While the content of these pages is an honest portrayal of my experiences, and my feelings and thoughts surrounding those experiences, others may not share that same perspective. And until now, I think I was more afraid of the conflict it might arouse than the closeness it might encourage. Nothing in these pages is news to my mom…she lived through these experiences with me…she was part of them. I realized though, that in the past several years, I am not the only person who has done a lot of work and soul searching. My mother has been working very hard on herself as well…and it is evidenced clearly in how our relationship has developed and matured. I respect and love her for the strides she has made and the openness she has tried to nurture in herself with regards to my experiences and feelings. By no means is our relationship perfect, but it’s honest, it’s pretty open, and it improves all the time.

My mom may be reading this soon, as well as reading the other things which are here. I write this in part for her to know how I feel about her, but also for you as the reader to understand how relationships evolve and how much things really have changed for me over the years. I don’t live in isolation, I do not change without witnessing and sometimes affecting changes in others…and that is a two-way street. Others change and I change in response to those changes…sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I have thanked many people on these pages for their support, kindness, and love. There is another person who needs thanking here…for sticking by me, for loving me, for working so hard to better herself and as a result be a better parent/person. I love you mom, and I thank you for being my mom through it all.