12.14.2011

a frightening & adventurous emotional roller coaster

ok i'm so glad i got my christmas card done early because if i had waited, it just would not have gotten done this week. anyone else have one of those unexpectedly over busy weeks?! phew! i'm tired...physically, emotional, spiritually...just. plain. tired.

so remember that post about a month ago where i talked about the lump i found in my breast & the follow-up to come...this is that follow up. theres lots of details that i'm trying to sort through it all & give you a good concise story without this post being a 10 minute read. bare with me. and if you have any questions, please leave a comment & i'll answer them that way.

as i sat in the waiting room to get my mammogram i read this verse:

do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. i teel you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. be faithful, even to the point of death, and i will give you life as your victor's crown. rev. 2:10

that's one of those verses that kinda just makes you prepare i think.

3 weeks ago yesterday i went in for a consult with a surgeon about the results of my mammogram. yes, my first mammogram at 28 years old. not exactly what i pictured my future health care containing. and of course the results showed what they already knew...1 cyst, 1 mass.

so the surgeon had me scheduled for an ultrasound guided biopsy...STAT! he is well aware that we are in the midst of moving...out of state no less. and yes, he actually said STAT. and even though i realize that doctors actually say it, {matt} & i tried not to laugh. you'd think we'd be use to the lingo by now. guess not! and we did got in for a biopsy the next week.

i went in for the biopsy on a wednesday & they did their thing. aspirated the cyst again & get a biopsy of the mass on the other side. and all was going accordingly until the cyst wouldn't fully disappear. so they decided to get a biopsy of what was left. i was told the earliest i could expect results was 48 hours but probably get them on monday because of it being the weekend.

the next morning as i was getting ready to go see the train exhibit downtown i got a call from the doctor's office asking me to come in that afternoon to discuss the results of the biopsy...and make sure that {matt} was with me. those last words made my stomach to jump into my throat leaving a lump i couldn't swallow. i was preparing for the worst. but still headed out to see the trains that morning in an attempt to distract myself.

and then the doc brought the hammer. it was the "best bad news" i could get. there were abnormal cells on the wall of cyst that they meaning the 4 pathologists that looked at it were calling cancerous. yep...the ugly, scary C word. of course we were shocked. sitting in that little office both of us having out of body type experiences while trying to get a grip on the bomb the doc just dropped. we asked questions. we tried to soak in answers. and we started praying & calling family. ok, so {matt} started calling family. i couldn't barely breathe trying to hold back tears while in the doctor's office...let alone explain the situation to someone else. we went to dinner after instead of going home because i wasn't sure i was ready to see my boys & be able to keep it together.

so we sat & talked. processed. trusted that the Lord was up to something good & crazy. realized that our human understanding just wouldn't ever be great enough to grasp this. said the words out loud a few times. feeling the heavy burden of the word cancer & choosing to let my Savior carry it for me. and i left feeling safe & at peace with whatever were to happen.

the next procedure i was to get done was an MRI...again, STAT. that way i could take those films with me to florida if need be and there would be a better idea of what they were dealing with & also to see if there were abnormal cells anywhere else.

friday morning i was rushing around trying to get {ben} ready for preschool & the little boys breakfast before i needed to leave for my MRI. then i got another call from my doc. i assumed he was checking in to see how i was doing. instead, i got the best news...a new diagnosis. the final stain/ test on my biopsy had to sit overnight and they just got those results in. it wasn't cancer...just abnormal cells that they are calling pre-cancerous. meaning that if there were more of the abnormal cells, they would call it cancer, but now it's just not. are you kidding me?! i was so shocked i couldn't even process fully what he had said. plus, i still had to get my MRI.

the big question of was it God at work or just too early of a diagnosis on the behalf of the doctors...i couldn't tell you. but in the end, God still gets the glory! don't worry, that's not the end of my testimony because it's not the end of my story.

the process of the MRI on that friday was a little intimidating. i tend to get claustrophobic. my big experiences are x-rays and a c-section. i closed my eyes and used the time to pray & sing songs. cheesy i know but i had to do something to help the sound of the MRI not be quite so loud. the results of that wouldn't come back til monday.

in the mean time we scheduled an lumpectomy to the remains of the cyst and the mass because of it's size even though it was benign. that surgery was suppose to be today. i should be at pre-op right now. instead the MRI results that came back late monday...and then received yesterday morning were again, abnormal. the MRI detected 2 more masses deep within the breast, 1 on each side. before they do surgery they need to do an MRI guided biopsy...since they are only detectable by MRI. and the STAT order on that procedure isn't as quick of a turn around as previous experiences. the earliest they could get me in is the 20th.

and i've been meditating & mulling over & over these verses for months now. and they rock me every.single. time! i mean for real people...i grit my teeth daily just trying to make it through on my own strength. but that glory-strength sounds awesome! gimme some of that any day.

we pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul-not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. it is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.
col. 1:11-12 (the message)

in case you were wondering when exactly we are hitting the road & heading south...it's december 20th. so the fact that the procedure can't be done until then & our doctor is done for the year on the 23rd just answered a lot of our logistical questions. i will get the biopsy done early that morning. we'll close on the condo that afternoon. pick up {auntie kate} after she gets off work & then take this party to florida. and hope that we can enjoy christmas & continue to celebrate the goodness & faithfulness of God.

now whether we finish procedures here or in florida are still up in the air. and so is insurance stuff. but i trust that God is taking this situation & turning it around for good. and if you wonder how i could, just take a quick look back at the things He has already done for us this year & you'll understand why. health, houses sold, new job! i've tangibly seen the power of God working in my life!

a friend sent me this little excerpt from her devotional last week & i think it explains beautifully right where i'm at & want to be because, afterall, it's about bringing Him the glory!

do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My power and glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path i have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles & you will! ~Jesus Calling

5 comments:

I admire and respect you so much for your strong faith through such a troubling time. When I was going through hell a few years back (when I lost my sister), this song truly got me through it: "You are God alone, from before time began, You were on your throne, you are God alone. And right now, in the good times and bad, you are on your throne. You are God alone." So powerful! I am praying for you, Matt and your sweet boys. Please know you have people praying and thinking about you guys constantly. Love ya!!