Stratics VeteranStratics Legend

Greetings all, I am your reporter "Arolla Sausagemaker", and you've come to the right place for fair and balanced reporting on the forthcoming elections for Lord Protector!

And wot a bunch o'rotters eh? They promise a great deal, but did any of them have nice clean white robes eh? Can you trust someone who can't even wash themselves?! Well, there was that one candidate, but you'd never have heard about them if the namby pamby, liberal media had their way! But here at the Daily Sausage we're not afraid to say that this candidate was A(*snip* - Electoral Fairness Editor).

So what did these mostly made of gob****es have to say for themselves then? We report the speeches as they were made... YOU decide who you want to vote for! And WE tell you it should be (*snip again* - EFE)!!!

And there is still time for more candidates to enter! Get your submissions in before Midnight, Thursday the 17th! But don't bother because (*snip, and I won't tell you again about this* - Furious EFE)

First Declared Candidate: Nathan Hawke

If I need to introduce myself I dare say I have already lost. Which some may be thankful for. My name is Nathan Hawke former Commander of the Royal Guard, for the record. And currently head of Security I believe Fynn?

[Fynn Barrett]: *Raises a brow*

Yes Nathan, you are

[Nathan Hawke]: *smiles a little*

Just making sure I still have a job. Let me get on now. You know me, I have led you all many times into and through battle. We have lost a few good men and women on the way, but we have always got the job done. And mostly th elives ofg (sic) any innocents have been saved or spared. We have seen of a few evil megalomaniacs in our time;
Let me put it this way...

If you want the job to get done
Vote for Nathan Hawke

*holds his hands up high*

See?
No blood on these hands
NO BLOOD ON THESE HANDS!

*shakes them a little then punches the air*

Vote for me!

And now its probably only fair to hear next from my colleague
the one and th eonly (sic) Fynn Barret!

[Nathan Hawke]: *claps*

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But The Daily Sausage asks; do you really want to vote for someone who can't even spell "Elves"*, much less rule them? Do you want someone who screams and throws his hands in the air like he just don't care?

WE SAY NO!

Do not elect this dangerous mad man!

* (Electoral Fairness Editor - We think he actually meant "the lives" there; it's a simple typographical mistake, and does not imply any lack of quality on the candidate's part)

Second Declared Candidate: Fynn Barrett.

[Fynn Barrett]: Thank you Nathan

My friends, these elections are about just one thing: To once again Unite the Kingdom under one banner! Ever since Lady Dawn's demise the Kingdom has been crumbling. Slowly but surely it's falling apart. We can't let that continue any more!
The time to act is now, before there is nothing left of the Kingdom we all love!
But WHO can bring unity back to the Kingdom? It will take a special kind of man. A man with experience and a proven loyalty to the Kingdom. A virtuous man who knows how to balance Justice with Compassion. A man who can wield power with Honour, Honesty and Humility.

I, Fynn Barrett, Lieutenant of the Royal Guard and Protector of Britain. I was appointed by Lady Dawn herself and have since lead the Royal Guard in many battles. I have the experience needed to lead Britannia in to a new era! An era of safety, security and prosperity for every citizen in the Kingdom. Vote for experience and security! Vote for Fynn!

*Smiles* Thank you

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However, the Daily Sausage says; This is a man who will only bribe you with FIVE out of EIGHT potential Virtues! A man who couldn't even be bothered to shamelessly shoe-horn in even one small bragging bit of Humility eh? What a cheap skate! You want to vote for this miserly git? No! You want to vote for (*choppy chop* - EFE)

Third Declared Candidate: Escaflowne.

Escaflowne will be at Castle Blackthorne on Monday the 14th to give his campaigning speeches. The EMs will organise gates, presumably from the Councillors Hall.

[Escaflowne]: People of Sosaria!

For those of you who don't know me, My name is Escaflowne
Also known as the bearman
Or the catman
For those of you who do know me you will know that i am a polite and reasonable man. Fynn talks about Experience; that i can safely say i have. For three years i lead the armies of the Republic of Vesper into battle. I know how to make the tough choices. I know how to form battle plans and tactics. And i know how to lead troops. For a year after that I was Chancellor and overall political leader of the Republic, So when it comes to the politics side of the position, I also have experience within that department. Now i know alot of people will shout about me being a citizen of Vesper, and the wars we have had with the Kingdom. But i ask you not to be so quick to Judge. I come to you not as a citizen of Vesper today, but an honest man. Throughout my campaign i will try to open your eyes and sway you from all this hatred towards myself and Vesper...

You want someone to unify the kingdom? Vesper and the Kingdom have not been united for over ten years; What better chance than to have someone like me who knows Vesper and has the attention of its people to bring them back in unity with the Kingdom?

We are not the bad people alot of folks make us out to be...

I look forward to speaking more throughout my campaign, So please I simply ask of you to come and listen to what i have to say, And give me a chance

Vote for Escaflowne!

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The Daily Sausage says: Filthy Vesper-heads! Coming over here, trying to get voted into our offices, trying to (*snip*) our women and (*snip*) our pets, always (*snip*) with their (*snip*) and then (*snip*)! Who do they think they are?! (*Snip*) (*Snip*)ington?! Well we say SEND HIM BACK WHERE HE CAME FROM! *

* (Which is Vesper, still part of Britannia, and a City that has given much military help to their neighbours in recent history - EFE)

Fourth Declared Candidate: Kou of Trinsic

Kou will be campaigning on Thursday the 17th, at her Tavern outside of Trinsic Walls. A gate will be provided to it.

[Kou]: Hello hello!

Um... I don't have a speech prepared for this, since I don't believe in them, but, I am Kou, as you might have gathered from the invitation to the stage. I am a watchman of Trinsic, although to be fair, for most of my life I've had the interests of the kingdom in my heart.
I keep being asked by people *glances at Iljian* why people should want to vote for me
"What do I bring to the table?"

[Iljian]: *blushes and mutters* Honetht quethtion...*

[Kou]: I can't really speak of grand experiences, or a long list of my accomplishments
No one'd believe me anyway *Grins* But, I think I do have something unique to bring... Peace
No disrespect meant, but most people feel peace should be earned through sword and spell. But I feel that should only be a last resort... and to that end I tend towards diplomacy. But I feel that should only be a last resort... and to that end I tend towards diplomacy. At least as a first resort... and to that end I have negociated peaceful outcomes with orcs

*Scratches the back of her head*

I think that might be about it

Thank you
And thank you all for listening to me

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WOT A STUNNA EH LADS? The Daily Sausage was at full attention for this little missy's speech; Wonder wot she had on beneath that Kimono?! We rushed as close as we could to the front of the stage to try and get some Papparazi shots, and (*instead we got an honest and direct to the point explanation of a courageous, budding politician's offer to our nation* - EFE)

Fifth Declared Candidate: Alaster The Mad

Alaster will be at The Councillors Hall on Wednesday the 16th to continue talking about pants...

The Daily Sausage can only quote this exchange in full to capture the true essence of the man, the monomania, and the miracle that is The Mad's campaign;

The Daily Sausage says; Why doesn't this man write for us?!. Get that man on the celebrity Pants-sniffing scene at once! Pants, we say! PAAAAANTS!

(*sighs* - Electoral Fairness Editor)

Sixth Declared Candidate: Aron Swordmaster

This leviathan amongst men, this heroic hercules will be speaking at Courts Of Truth, Yew on Tuesday the 15th.

[Aron Swordmaster]: Good evening, esteemed people of Britannia.

I stand before you today in an attempt to prove myself worthy of the role of Lord Protector, for you and these lands we all love.

I offer to you a policy of uniting the lands through mutual defense and kindness, whilst as far as possible respecting the unique traditions and lifestyles of our communities.

As Lord Protector I shall never hesitate to lead troops into any location where the people are threatened; nor will I be too proud to take wise council and tactical advice.

*looks briefly towards Nathan and Fynn*

I promise to liase with the other Authorities in the land without bias or favor, and I will act as an arbitration service in the Courts Of Truth to try to settle what disputes may arise between us.

And where your concerns require a non-military approach, I will still be your Protector; I hope to act as a focus for generous and compassionate events of our own making.

I seek not personal glory nor political domination, no unique robes of office,

*glances now at the throne*

Nor will I ever aspire to sit on that; but only the protection of life and love and freedom for all virtuous people.

I thank you all for listening to my announcement, and that as long as the eventual Protector truly serves the Realm too, I sincerely hope that we can all unite behind the eventual choice.

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The Daily Sausage says: (*SNIP* - I have removed many pages of frankly preposterous nonsense about this candidates supposed virtues, and virility, as well as highly blasphemous claims to his being the son of almost every possible major theological figure, as well as having read every major work on philosophy except for the ones he has written. I, as the Electoral Fairness Editor strongly advise you to make up your own mind based on the actual candidates testimonies, and not the scandalous electoral manipulation of certain interested parties! - EFE)

Seventh Declared Candidate: Irvyn.

Irvyn, Duke of Trinsic will be campaigining at The Councillors Hall on Thursday the 17th.

[Irvyn]: Greetings, ladies and gentlemen of Sosaria.

I am pleased to see so many taking this matter seriously.Even if some are not.

*carefully not looking at anyone in particular*

I am Irvyn Middlethorn, presently Duke of Trinsic. I have served and supported the Kingdom for many years, and have watched with dismay as our leaders failed and gradually Britannia decayed. Nevertheless, Trinsic's loyalty has never wavered and the city remains strong under my leadership. Those of you who know me will know that I have always tried first to seek peace, but I have not hesitated to defended the city with force of arms where I could not. Although Trinsic was not invited to the meeting which decided on this choosing of a Lord Protector,

*cold glance at Nathan and Fynn*

I cannot stand idly by where I might be of service to try and reunite Britannia, and work to support Sosaria as a whole. To seek peace and strength for all of us. I therefore humbly declare my candidacy.

*bows head politely*

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Sausage Says: Trinsic? TRINSIC?? That sounds a bit like... er... um... arse... doesn't it? Yer, arse. Would you vote for the Man From Arse? We thought not! And that stuff about peace? That's hippy talk! And the only thing worse than a hippy is... um... er... a hippy's arse! Dirty smelly hippies! Get your hair cut and get a job! And wipe yer arse!

(The Election Fairness Editor would just like to point out that Irvyn has indeed been a well respected and loyal servant of Sosaria, and whilst he may be in possesion of a "bottom" himself, he is not defined by it)

Eigth Declared Candidate: Heimlich

This candidate owns a castle, and finks ee's better than all us working class stiffies; so does he hold his campaign meeting in his plush stately home? Nah, we're not good enough to be let in there! So he'll be campaigning at he doesn't know yet but we bet it won't be on his plush, million dollar carpet

[Heimlich]: *takes off cap*
i stand before you a humble citizen of sosaria one who has fought to protect our land and our people on many occasions and would now offer himself up to greater service to the kingdom
i believe in a strong but fair approach. i will not shy away from diplomacy despite my lack of political qualifications nor will i hesitate to take up sword and shield if they are called for but most of all i will try my hardest to represent you, good citizens of sosaria

i am one of you and no title will change that
i will look to helping the kingdom prosper and all its citizens as well
a vote for heimlich is a vote for prosperity in times of peace, and victory in times of war
thankyou
*bows*

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The Sausage Swears: No really, we saw him lighting a beggar on fire using rolled up one million gold checks! Sure, peace and prosperity and victory are nice things, but the important thing is we saw him doing something you shouldn't like, at least once, totally he did! (*No we didn't* - EFE) And anyway, "public service" is just another word for "Union Fat Cat!" (*No it isn't* - EFE) He talks a big game (*and very eloquently too* - EFE) but really he's just laughing at you behind your backs, his Private Butler said he heard Heimlich go "Ahahah -twirls mustache-, the electorate suck and I hate them!". When? Well, after we paid the butler 500k in gold coin, in a completely unconnected transaction! (* We bribed some bloke down the pub to say this, sorry* - EFE). Trust your Sausage!

And remember, we will be here all next week, and the week after, to report on this shameful denial of one man's righteous march towards victory! (*Oh god, there's two more weeks of this! Tell my wife I love her, but I may not make it through this horror... * - Electoral Fairness Editor)

Stratics Veteran

And where was Scrumpy in all this, yer might ask? Hahaa!! A nasty spell was put on us to get overly sleepy and miss the occasion! Now, where is yer posh people fairness in that, huh!? People with shiny castles are allowed to speak, people with a god-complex are allowed to speak. People with an underwear-fixation? Yer guess right, them are allowed to speak. Only honest, humble and almost washed beggars are not! Scandal, me screams, SCANDAL!!

So here yer go:

Ello yer lot!

My name is Scrumpy Jack, my mother was a sailor and my father out of the picture, as they say. I have a permit, a cosy spot under one of Trinsic's bridges and lots of candy. So if yer vote for me, I'll promise yer un-precedented tooth ache and to leave yer to do whatever posh people like yer like to do.

I used to be a little confused, but that I am not anymore. Typhoid Mary leaving me for the Gargoyle's lands and never returning cleared up my head. I am seeing things now, that nobody else can see, and that's the proof!

That reminds me: did I ever tell yer the story of when I was in Wind and didn't find the slightest breeze there? Anyway, 'tis a dull story...

Now, make me yer Loud Constructor and I will promise yer Haven and Abyss!

Stratics VeteranStratics Legend

You need to write your name, chosen contact details (email/ICQ etc) and a date and location for you to make a campaigning speech into a book and drop it off at the Wedding Chapel to the left of the Councillors Hall in Britain Scrumpy...

Irvyn looked at the cutting from the Daily Sausage in his in tray with a little surprise. Not his normal reading, but evidently one of his clerks felt there was something worth looking at. He read the article with fastidiously pursed lips, his eyebrows rising higher and higher as he proceeded through it. He scribbled a quick note: "FAO Security - do we have any contacts on the staff at this so-called newspaper? If not, consider communicating with the EFE.", attached it to the article, and put it in the out tray.

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