This Is What I Live With.

We love our partner. We live with our partner. For richer or poorer, for better or worse and often despite some very peculiar habits. These are real life stories. People put up with the most extraordinary things and and they're happy to talk about it on the radio. These are the transcripts of conversations broadcast on 702 ABC Sydney, at 2.30 on an otherwise normal Thursday afternoon.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Tim: I live with
my husband who I have renamed ‘too much is never enough.’

JV: Mmhmm.

Tim: I won’t give
you the rest of his name because he works at the ABC and he might hear us.

JV: Oh okay! What
area of the ABC might he work in Tim?

Tim: Part of the
television department.

JV: Part of the
television department...okay...Go on, what does this husband do?

Tim: He thinks a
small amount of something is good so therefore a large amount of the same thing
is always going to be that much better. So the front
loading washing machine is always in suds lock because he always puts in a lot
of soap.

JV: Mm.

Tim: A small
dinner party for four people will always become a dinner party for eight adults
and six children.

JV: So
he’ll just keep on inviting people? You’ve had in your mind ‘this will be a
lovely intimate occasion and a chance for us to get to know Eric and Dave,’ and
suddenly there’s 15 people there.

Tim: That’s
right, and the Camparis that we serve to start off have always got too much
Campari in them and not enough blood orange so everyone’s drunk before we even
start eating.

JV: Right, right.

Tim: And a three
course dinner becomes and eight course dinner, you know.

JV: Wow. So
excessive in everything?

Tim: Everything!

JV: Mm...and how
have you tried to deal with this?

Tim: Well I’ve
given him the name ‘too much is never enough.’ And...That’s pretty much all you
can do now.

JV: So your only
reaction to this is a bit of a nickname?

Tim: Well, I
used to pull him up on things and ask why but I long ago gave up trying to
change him.

JV: How long have
you been together?

Tim: Thirteen
years.

JV: So I imagine, in the first year or two, you’d think it was specific.
You put too many suds in the washing machine. You put too much Campari in the
cocktails. When did you realise he put too much into everything?

Tim: It’s been a
gradual realisation over a period of time but it really dawned on me maybe five
years ago. I thought ‘this is just a universal behaviour.’

JV: Yeah that’s
what I mean because I would imagine at first you’d go ‘don’t put so many suds
in the washing machine.’ You’d be trying to deal with the specific issue. Was
that what happened?

Tim: Pretty much.
It sort of started with one thing and then it was another thing and then...you
know...he mows the lawn every week, and if two tomato bushes are going to
produce enough beautiful tomatoes then we’ll have 25 tomato bushes in the garden.

JV: So
everything!

Tim: EVERYTHING!
EVERYTHING JAMES!

JV: Everything is
bigger and bigger. Wow!

Tim: It’s
hilarious! You have to laugh.

JV: Well, are you
laughing about it Tim?

Tim: (in a high
voice) I am.

JV: A little bit
hysterically. Does he think of you as stingy?

Tim: (laughs)

JV: Is the flip
side ‘that’d be Tim, he doesn’t know how to have fun, Mr keep it to himself,’?

Tim: Yeah ‘the
fun police’ is what he calls me. Because I
only have two pairs of shoes going at any one point in time and he’ll have
about 24.

JV: So have you
ever tried to talk to him about the fact that this is across all areas? ‘You
have a character flaw my friend, you do everything to excess.’

Tim: Yes. It’s
become a joke now amongst all of our friends as well. It’s a very endearing
quality that he’s so enthusiastic about everything that... yeah... everything. I’ve come to embrace it as a particular character trait which is more
endearing than it is annoying.

JV: Yeah. Well
Producer Laura has reminded us of the Oscar Wilde quote: ‘Moderation is fatal,
nothing succeeds like excess.’

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Maureen: I live
with a husband who has a severe aversion to closing doors.

JV: Really?

Maureen: He will
not close any door, ever.

JV: Now is this
just doors to rooms or cupboard doors?

Maureen: This is
all doors. His normal routine after work would be to come in, park the car and
leave the car door open, or leave the car door open, or if the car door does
close, leave the window down. Then he opens the fly screen which remains open
and the front door remains open. Then he’ll go to the bedroom to the wardrobe
and get out clothes and leave the wardrobe open. You can walk around the house
and know everywhere he’s been because the pantry will be open, the wardrobe
door will be open. Everything is just left open.

JV: So he goes
out the back door to water the pot plants...

Maureen:
...leaves it open. Just does not ever close a door.

JV: Right. How
long have you been together?

Maureen: We’ve
just had our 20th wedding anniversary and we were together 6 years
before that.

JV: And in that
time has the leaving the door open become worse?

Maureen: Oh it’s
just always been the same. He’s never, ever, closed the door. We talked about
it early in the marriage. It used to really drive me insane and now it still
drives me insane. But he thinks I’m insane, he can’t see an issue with it
whatsoever.

JV: (laughs)

Maureen: He
thinks he’s doing me a favour, like I don’t need to open the wardrobe door or
the pantry door now.

JV: So he could
call in and say ‘I live with this woman who thinks it’s mad that I leave the
car door open,’?

Maureen: Exactly.
He thinks I’m totally insane because it really upsets me that the doors are
left open.

JV: But leaving
the car door open, I mean, that might leave the light on which drains the
battery..

Maureen: Well
quite often the key will still be in the ignition with the radio playing. When
you walk out at 11 o’clock at night, the door’s open, the key’s in the ignition
and the radio’s playing.

Maureen: Even in
August the heater’s on in the house but no, the door’s wide open.

JV: So all the heat escapes.

Maureen: Yes,
yes. The freezing southerly blows in the lounge room.

JV: Is the car
parked on the street, or is it a garage?

Maureen: No, no,
it’s in the driveway.

JV: So therefore
anybody could walk in while the car’s open?

Maureen: Of
course...they could drive away, or walk into the house. Yep.

JV: What about
when he leaves? Does he leave the front door open when he leaves?

Maureen: Yes, of
course.

JV: So leaves in
the morning and leaves the front door open?

Maureen: Yep.
Leaves the front door open. We’re all in bed.

JV: And what
about when he gets to work, say, does he leave the doors open there as well?

Maureen: Quite
possibly. I’m not quite sure what he does when he gets to work. Quite possibly.
I would find it hard to believe that he closes them. I think maybe as a child
he was locked behind a door. There may have been an issue.

JV: You’ve
thought about whether there’s psychological scarring.

Maureen: I have.
I have because I personally like the wardrobe door shut. I can’t go to sleep
without it. As a child I used to think there were things in the wardrobe so I
need to have it shut to go to sleep. Maybe he’s the opposite. I’m trying to get
to the bottom of it.

JV: Sometimes
it’s good to look for family traits in these things. Are there brothers or
sisters?

Maureen: He’ll
just shake his head and look at me like I’m insane and what’s the issue. He
won’t see it as being a problem. He just thinks it’s all me.

JV: What does he
do for a living?

Maureen: He’s in
air conditioning. (laughs)

JV: That’s almost
perfect too isn’t it?

Maureen: An air
conditioning mechanic.

JV: Do you think
when he’s out there servicing he says ‘now don’t forget to shut the door when
you’ve got the air conditioning going in this room,’?

Maureen: Maybe that’s the reason why the
house isn’t cooling or heating.

JV: Thank you
Maureen. Good luck and thank you for joining us. Now, one of the things I love
about this is, of course Maureen has this issue, and now feels better having
talked about it. We’re now trying to get some mediation happening in the house.
But also, other people may have the same problem. Denise?

Denise: Yes
James?

JV: You’re not
alone Denise.

Denise: Oh God,
James it drives me absolutely insane!

JV: Now my son is
13 years old and has listened to your segment while in the car and he said to
me ‘you need to ring James. We’ve got the same problem mum.’ You’ve got the
same problem. So, the 13 year old has recognised the problem in the father.

Denise: Correct,
and it drives the 13 year old insane as well. Just as it drives me insane.

JV: Any other
children?

Denise: No,
there’s just the three of us and the dogs, and the cats, and the goats, and the
alpacas. And he leaves gates open!

Denise: Correct.
It drives me insane and, when I get home from work, if he beats me home I can
see where he’s been all day.

JV: Well this
what was Maureen was saying.

Denise: I can
track his movements.

JV: And is he at
home all day?

Denise: No, no,
he comes in and out but if he beats me home I can tell where he’s been and what
time he’s been home because the other annoying thing he does is he leaves all
the cupboard doors open. So you know if he’s made a cup of tea or he’s been to
the pantry...and then the dog gets in the pantry so I get dog biscuits on the
floor. And another annoying thing he does is he makes a cup of tea and he
leaves the teaspoon on the bench and he never puts it away. I can always tell
that he’s made a cup of tea.

JV: Oh...that’s
just...really...I mean appalling behaviour.

Denise:
Appalling!

JV: You know.
Apparently a civilised man and yet he leaves the teaspoon on the bench.

Denise: Yes. Yes.
I’m just glad I’m not alone.

JV: You’re not
alone Denise. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

Denise: I gave
up! Gave up years ago.

JV: What
about...you know I said to Maureen would you try and talk about it tonight,
would you do the same?

Denise: Oh, I
gave up. I think I’ve been married three years longer than Maureen and I’ve
given up but maybe the thirteen year old – I’ll tell him when I pick him up
from school – he’ll be so happy that I’ve spoken to you James.

JV: Tell the
thirteen year old – he’s probably technologically savvy – tell him to record
the conversation with his dad. Ah, Linda has written in and said James could you give me the contact
details of Maureen? I think she’s having an affair with my husband. There could
not be two guys that leave everything open: car doors, front door, every
cupboard and drawer. Well that now makes three guys. Three guys that do this as
standard. Janet’s got a solution. Janet, how are you today?

Janet: Well
actually I think I’m married to Denise’s husband. It’s a little disquieting.

JV: Yeah well
Linda think she’s married to Maureen’s husband or Maureen’s having an affair
with her husband.

Janet: Well it’s
obviously a common affliction.

JV: You would
know, I think, if there was an affair going on because they’d leave the door of
the lover’s house open.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Jason: Um I
just... sometimes I get in the car...well, all the time I get in the car and I
know where I’m going but my wife seems to think she knows a better way to go.
When, in fact, being a Sydneysider and her a Melbournite, I figure I’ve got one
up on her. It doesn’t matter where we’re going. I’ve been driving around this
fair city for the better part of 35 years now and it’s just hilarious. Even
when we’re going the same way to the same place, as we often do travelling
around with kids, ‘why you going this way?’ ‘Why you going this way?’ ‘Why
don’t you go that way?’

JV: Right.

Jason: ‘This is
the worst way to go. It’s the slowest way to go.’

JV: How long has
she been here Jason?

Jason: Not long
enough clearly.

JV: Not long
enough...and does she drive around much?

Jason: Ah yes as
much as I do, if not more, but I’ve gotten to the stage now where I just laugh.
I say ‘enjoy the ride honey, don’t worry we’ll get there.’

JV: Yeah, look I
think I’ve lived with something similar over the years and my approach has
been...look, I’d like to say that I’ve pulled the car over and said ‘okay you drive
then,’ but I haven’t quite got that far. I’ve more or less hinted at that.

Jason: I think
you need to take my approach mate and just smile and keep going, y’know, enjoy
the ride.

JV: Well I’ve got
to the point of going ‘you know what? How about we just never have this
discussion again?’

Jason: That won’t
work. I put it to you, that that will not work.

JV: (Laughs) Well
I tried to get to a rule that the driver will determine these things – you know
– the route choice, whether we’re changing lanes or not, that sort of stuff –
and the passenger will have no input into these things whatsoever.

Jason: You’re
assuming that the cabin of the car is a democracy.

JV: No, no, I’m
actually pointing out that you’ve got to decide these things at some point
because otherwise you go nuts. See mine would do the ‘why don’t you change
lanes? That lane’s empty,’ and you go ‘well, I’m driving the car.’

Jason: But that
would take a rational conversation.

JV: (laughs) Yeah
Jason, I can see there’s an issue here.

Jason: I’ve put
some work into it, don’t you worry. I’m not getting anywhere so now I just
laugh. I smile and I laugh.

JV: Yeah, yeah.

Jason: I figure
that’s the best approach to a lot of things these days.

JV: No, very good Jason you’re settling into
marriage well. I think it’s going very well.

Chris: Of course
he has to get through the financial controller for that.

JV: Okay, which
is you?

Chris: Yes.

JV: Yeah, and is
that moment going to come soon when he might get through the financial
controller?

Chris: He has to
do a bit more work I’d say.

JV: A little more
work! (laughs)

Chris: A little
more work.

JV: That is odd.
So does he think buying the toys is a way of going ‘come on, I’m serious, I
want the boat,’?

Chris: You know
what? I think so and I think he’s actually getting the children on side too.

JV: Ah yeah.

Chris: Because
these children...the toys have been attached to said boat at some point in
time with the children on top of them so they could all gang up on me.

JV: That's interesting thank you Chris. Lots of responses coming through on the text service here. Cam’s suggesting ‘I think he owns it already.’
Interesting. He’s already bought the boat...Hmm. Carl
says ‘at the risk of breaking the man code, the pre-approval purchase is common
practice. Like the bloke I know whose wife said after 2 weeks, “why has the
four wheel drive been coming home with you a lot recently?”’ (laughs) He's bought it Chris!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Glen: It’s my
wife. She talks to our cat which is...okay a lot of people talk to their
animals, but on the rare occasions in our happy household that there’s a bit of
anger perhaps directed at me or one of the children, it could be mid-sentence
copping a serve and the cat will walk in and the mood just changes and it’s
(puts on happy tone) ‘how are you going today?’ Very happy.

JV: (laughs)

Glen: It’s like
the cat can do no wrong and I often wonder what I need to do.

JV: To be more
like the cat?

Glen: To be more
like the cat, yeah.

JV: Well maybe
you should eat out of a bowl on the floor or something?

Glen: Perhaps.
And just sleep all day and come in when I want to be fed.

JV: Start doing a
bit more of that. Y’know roll over. ‘Rub my tummy.’

Glen: Yeah and
then I get a bit crook and get taken off to the vet.

JV: So she talks
to the cat. Does she have conversations with the cat?

Glen: Like a
human.

JV: Like it’s a
human.

Glen: Yep. Yep,
basically. I’m only making this call because I know she’s not listening. As
I say, myself or one of the kids could have done something wrong...

JV: ‘Glen I asked
you to do that earlier why haven’t you done it?’

Glen: Yeah exactly, and then the cat walks in and it's all ‘Oh hello
big boy, here you are, what have you been doing today? How’s it been sleeping
for 18 of the last 24 hours?’

JV: You’re
jealous of the cat.

Glen: Probably,
yeah. But...maybe I used to be the cat.

JV: Oh?

Glen: Well yeah
held in as high esteem as the cat.

JV: Gee that’s
interesting.

Glen: It doesn’t
bring any money into the house and it doesn’t do anything around the house as
best I can see. Just eats and sleep.

JV: And gets the
most favoured treatment.

Glen: Yeah.

JV: Are you in
the dog house often so that she has to talk to the cat like that?

Glen: Well yeah
I’ve got a habit of saying the wrong thing a fair bit but 19 plus years and
we’re still going. You’ve just got to do your best James. Sometimes that’s good
enough and sometimes it’s not.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Francis: I live
with the most annoying husband who, whenever we go for dinner, we’ve got to
come home with something that has meat in it – a little bit wrapped up in a
serviette – for an overweight jack russel.

JV: (laughs)

Francis: It could
be a burger. It could be a bit of ham out of your sandwich or a little bit of
chicken off my dinner. The jack russel waits at the laundry door.

JV: So it’s
literally a doggy bag

Francis: A doggy
bag for a dog, but it has to go into my handbag.

JV: And it’s
every single time you go out?

Francis: Every
time. It’s embarrassing.

JV: So, you’re at
friends’ for dinner...

Francis: Yes?

JV: What will he
do?

Francis: ‘Oh can
I just take a little bit home for Lou-Lou?’

JV: (laughs)

Francis: And
we’ve got to the stage where we carry little zip lock bags.

JV: Oh you’ve got
little zip lock bags ready to go? Wow.

Francis: And the
kids say ‘Dad, don’t do that’ but no, Lou-lou’s got to have it.

JV: Lou-Lou’s got
to have a little bit...and so, you’re saying Lou-Lou knows when you’ve gone out
that there’ll be a little meaty treat?

Francis:
Definitely! She’s waiting at the laundry door. And it can’t be a big bit. It’s
got to be a little bit and he breaks it all up for her.

JV: Oh, that’s
lovely really isn’t it?

Francis: Oh she’s
a great big, fat, spoilt, jack russel.

JV: A fat jack
russel. So it’s like a little barrel?

Francis: It is a
barrel. It’s got the tiniest little head and a big round body.

JV: Yeah...I get
the feeling you don’t like Lou-Lou that much Francis.

Francis: I love
Lou-lou. She doesn’t need all these itty bitty bits all the time.

JV: So is it
these itty bitty bits, these post dinner treats that have stacked the weight on
Lou-lou?

Francis:
Definitely. She will be in bed – my husband’s bed – he will go up to the
kitchen and have his breakfast, and he’ll come down with ‘oh just a few’ and
he’ll have a handful of meaty bites.

JV: Handful of
meaty bites just for Lou-Lou.

Francis: Just for
Lou-lou.

JV: Does he
realise he’s killing her with kindness?

Francis: I keep
telling him that. He took it into the vet because it had lumps on its legs...

JV: Mm.

Francis:...and he
came out and said ‘oh there’s nothing wrong, apparently when they put on weight
they put these lumps on their legs.’

JV: Right, yeah
that’s an interesting way of putting it, isn’t it? Rather than, for example,
‘she’s got to lose some weight.’

Francis: Yes.

JV: Can I point
out we’re talking about a dog here, if you’re just joining in.

Francis: Lou- Lou
Leigh.

JV: Lou-lou the
over-pampered jack russel.

Francis: Yes.

JV: What about
fine dining? If you’re out at a lovely restaurant for your anniversary?

Francis: Oh yeah,
it’ll be wrapped up in a serviette and in my handbag.

JV: Mm. So he’ll
say to the waiter ‘excuse me can you just put this...and there it’s awkward
because it’s probably not enough to suggest that you’re taking it home as take
away, it’s just a little bit.

Francis: Well I
get worried that they think we’re taking it home to test it and see if it’s
alright.

JV: Yes.

Francis: So it
gets secreted in my handbag.

JV: So would he
just pick it up off the plate?

Francis: He’ll
take it off the plate

JV: Nice.

Francis: He’ll
get his salad sandwich and he’s always got to have a bit of ham in it. It might
be the tiniest piece but he’s got to bring it home for Lou-lou.

JV: Ah dear, well
look it’s not such a bad one I suppose. It seems like Lou-lou is really the
worse off here.

Francis: She’s
just absolutely spoilt.

JV: Yeah, Francis
thanks for that. Nice to talk to you and I hope...do you feel better Francis?

Francis: I
certainly do. I’ll tell him I’ve been talking to you about it.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Melissa: James,
my husband came home earlier this week with a gift for me and it was a onsie.

JV: Wow.

Melissa: And I
have to blame 702 for this actually because we both heard somebody talking
about it on either your program or the Glover program earlier in the week. I,
at the time, thought ‘oh how horrible.’ He must have thought ‘that’s a great
thing for my wife because she’s always cold. He came home with it on
Tuesday or Wednesday night and I was horrified James. It’s white and fluffy.

JV: What does it
look like?

Melissa: James, I
can’t describe it without laughing. It’s got a hood with little ears on it and
a zipper that has little pom-pom things attached and it’s white and fluffy.

JV: And is it
decorated in any way, like has it got rabbits on it or...?

Melissa: Oh it’s
meant to look like a rabbit I think, with the ears on top of the hood.

JV: Oh it’s got
rabbit ears on top of the hood?

Melissa: Yes!

JV: Wow.

Melissa: I’m
horrified.

JV: Yeah.

Melissa: But my
husband seems a bit insulted that I’m not
thrilled at the effort that he went to.

JV: Gee, that’s
difficult. So, is it one of those difficult ones where he feels as
though...he’s hurt because here he’s thought about you and he’s got you
something that he thinks will be really great, and then you’re looking at him
going ‘how did you ever think that I would be someone who would like a onesie?’

Melissa: That’s
exactly right. I mean there are standards, even at home.

JV: Mm. How long
have you been together?

Melissa: Oh,
we’ve been married almost 17 years.

JV: Going on to
20 years and suddenly the whole thing is in question really. You’re going ‘you
obviously don’t know me at all.’

Melissa: Well, it
has crossed my mind.

JV: Wow.

Melissa: We’ve
had lots of discussion and more than a few laughs about this thing but I just...I don’t understand how that could be found to be an acceptable dress.

JV: Have
you put it on?

Melissa: I had
to.

JV: You had to
put it on and you didn’t suddenly go ‘oh, I’m so cosy’? Like, I think last
night was chilly wasn’t it? Did you try it last night when it was really
chilly?

Melissa: The
night before was chilly enough. And James, I don’t meant to be snobbish here,
but it’s completely synthetic.

JV: Right.

Melissa: It’s not
warm at all. It generates static electricity when you walk around.

JV: A cashmere
onesie might have been more acceptable?

Melissa: He’s
talking about that as an alternative and I’ve just tried to say y’know... He
says ‘I’ll get you a posh onsie,’ and I said ‘that’s an oxymoron.’

JV: I don’t know
if you can get the tailored Italian merino onsie quite yet.

Melissa: The
Italians would never make this.

****

JV: Hello Kerri?

Kerri: Yes James?

JV: What did your husband buy you?

Kerri: He bought me a onsie and laid it out on the bed. It was a
cub, like a lion cub.

JV: Your husband
bought you a lion cub onsie? You came home and there was this lion cub suit?

Kerri: I was
saying how chilly it was and how I get cold and there it was. Fleece, the same
as the other poor lady had to endure. I can’t begin to tell you where it ends
up.