It’s Saturday, Modern Philosophers, and some of you might have a date tonight.

As we’ve established, the dating world is not an easy place to survive without a little help. That being the case, it’s time for another dating tips post to give you that assistance we all need.

Tonight’s post will help you spot the early warning signs that your date is not going well. Once you know things are headed in the wrong direction, it’s up to you to decide if you want to save the date, or just put a merciful end to the evening.

As always, since I am a man who dates women, the date in this post will be referred to as a female. However, these tips will work for both sexes.

How to tell if your date is not going well…

The sounds of silence. Communication is key to any successful relationship, so if there are long, awkward pauses on your date, things are not going well.

People talk. It’s a reflex. Getting them to shut up is usually the problem. So, if you are hearing crickets, your date is doomed.

Failing Chemistry. If you suddenly feel like you are back in Sophomore year of high school and struggling with Chemistry again, then your date is probably heading for disaster. Chemistry is something you can’t really check via texts, emails, and phone calls. You’ve got to be face to face, lab coat and goggles on, and Bunsen burner at the ready.

The burner isn’t going to light without a spark, though, so if you’re sitting in darkness after numerous attempts, there’s really nothing you can do. They can teach you all the Chemistry they want in the classroom, but there’s no way to carry that over onto a date. It’s got to be there naturally.

No laugh track. If she isn’t laughing at your jokes, that is a definite red flag.

Even if you’re not hilarious, she should at least laugh politely here and there to show that she understands how important it is to fuel a date’s comedic ego.

If you’re getting nothing, or even worse, if she is heckling you, it’s time to come up with new material, and more importantly, a more appreciative audience.

The ex factor. It’s okay for an ex to come up in conversation, especially if you are trying to get to know one another. You really need to pay attention when she talks about her ex because, more than likely, she is rattling off his list of shortcomings. Learn from his mistakes. She is telling you what he did to make her break up with him, so file that away and don’t make the same mistakes.

If she won’t stop talking about her ex, then you have my sympathies. This means she is either not over him, or the kind of woman who becomes obsessed and will seek revenge. You want to steer clear of both scenarios. Unfortunately for you, this means she agreed to a date because her friends were sick of hearing her talk about the ex, and you’re the sucker who now not only has to listen, but also has to pay for her drinks and meal while she yaps on and on about him.

Flirting with disaster. If either one of you is flirting with the server, this means you are not interested in your date and your animal instincts have taken over to find an acceptable mate.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean that your date isn’t going well.

Time check. The constant checking of the time is another way of saying “How much longer do I have to put up with this until it’s acceptable to make up an excuse to bail?”

That’s another way of saying your date is not going well.

Let’s get a quick look at the weather. Unless your date is taking place during a blizzard, or some other noteworthy meteorological occurrence, it is a very bad sign if the conversation ever turns to the weather.

That means you’ve run out of things to talk about, which means you don’t have chemistry, and there is a 100% chance of a long, awkward silence in your forecast.

Worker bee. You should make it a habit of never thinking about work when you are not at work.

Even if this isn’t a hard and set rule in your life yet (we can figure out why later), there is no way you should be thinking about work while you are on a date.

So, if you’d rather give Deep Thought to what you have to accomplish at the office the next day than give your date your full attention, it means the date is not going well.

Of even worse, she reminds you of work. That means, if you start seeing each other, you will be thinking about work all the time. Unacceptable!!!

You’re on a date with me. Of course, the one fool proof way to tell if your date is not going well is to look across the table and see if I am sitting there. Since I am an utter and total failure at dating, if I’m your date, you’re having a horrible time, you know you don’t want to see me again, and you should just save us both some time and call it a night now. I’d rather know up front than get my hopes up again for no reason.

I hope these simple tips come in handy the next time you are on a date. If you have any questions, please feel free to leave them in the comments section.

Ironically, I’m posting this early tonight because I have a date. Wish me luck…we all know I’m going to need it!

I almost never had a date when I was single. I just went out to bars and picked up guys (don’t judge; it was the ’80s). I wasn’t so good at the few dates I did have, so I could have used your expertise and posts like this. I don’t suppose it matters, since I had a happy ending anyways. I hope your date is fun.

My hat’s off to you. (Well it would be if I ever wore a hat.) I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever suffer through the horrors of ever going on another date. Have fun!

They always do! I really know how to treat a lady! I know what chocolates to buy, what movies to see, when to try to put the moves on, and exactly what buttons to push…rawrrrr! It’s going exceptionally well thus far.