Sexual Desire - One way
Married Life

I am a man of patience. I waited years for my wife to come around and now have built and grown a beautiful life together with (I wont name how many) kids. I never once questioned or judged her for her past (She has many relationships before myself). I maybe had sex 10 total times before getting with my wife 12 years ago. Recently, my sexual alarms have gone off and I am finding myself more curious and sexually aroused as if I am at my peak at 33. My wife, being 2 years older, seems to be much less interested then I. I have been way open with her about desires, fantasies, and turn on's. Completed surveys to try and get her to know what my desires are with her only to response with no enthusiasm. I want to explore, seduce, and overall be desired. I am fit, consider myself handsome, and a professional in how I conduct myself. I am unsure on what to do.

Recently, against all my better moral judgement, I have begun to visit strip clubs during the day when time allows. I do this only because of these women (even though for money) will express desire towards me only if it ends in a lap dance (and believe me that's as far as I would take anything in a strip club). I appreciate sexuality but know I am crossing my moral lines but I just wish to be wanted and having a partner to explore. I wont cheat on my wife (although many may consider my strip clubs actions as just that), but I am lost as to what to do. Communicate has been open and no change. I purchased lingerie and toys (to her liking) in an attempt to express my desires only to have them potentially used once or never and stashed away. If I shop to much for them she assumes its because I want to look at those women (not the case). So I am inbetween a rock and hard place.

My wife is a stunning beauty. I cherish her mind and body and would never stop at attempting to please her. When sex happens, its almost seems like a chore for her although at times better then worse. We do have a busy life (i.e. multiple kids and careers) but I just feel I am in a one way sexual relationship here. I love her body. I love her in general. But we are on opposites when it comes to sex. And I have no idea what to do.

I hear ya bro and feel your frustration! We all get those slumps as life and time sneaks up on us. My wife and I both have been there at some point and time, keep the communication open and work through this together. Sounds like you two have a great relationship. As you get older your body and chemistry changes, sometimes just a trip to a good vitamin shop will greatly increase things for ya. A few years ago we started noticing a big change in libido and desire for both of us, we headed to the local GNC (General Nutrition Center) and bought some over the counter supplements and vitamins and wow what a difference! Kicked our sex drive in high gear again for both of us!! Maybe you two could talk it over and give it a try. We sure can't seem to get enough and we are both glad we have done it! We know sex is not all there is in a relationship but boy does it ever add to it!! Wish you luck in your endeavor and if you want to chat PM us anytime! We will gladly help any way we can!

I'm curious, you state that communication has been open between the 2 of you, but you've given us no indication of her feelings on the situation in your post. Has she offered a reason for her lack of desire?

I could write a long reply about how, when we reached about 48/46, having been married over 20 years, we came to a similar crossroads as yourselves.

In fact, we hadn't quite got there, but I saw it coming because I was running out of ideas for keeping things fresh, and her libido was gradually waning. I believe most (if not all) sexual relationships reach this crossroads, either sooner or later, and a joint acceptance and approach to it decides whether the relationship ultimately succeeds or fails.

To keep a long story short: the first answer to our impending dilemma was to realise or admit that not only were our libidos out of step, but when it comes to a sexual relationship between two people, they always are. The question is: how much of a gulf is there? And how to bridge it.

While my wife really couldn't see any problem with our sex life (which was superficially good), I could, so started revolutionising our approach, especially the way we communicated.

She knew I enjoyed sex and what I enjoyed, but I realised she needed to know how I really felt, and how much I (and therefore our relationship) needed it. I realised it was me who needed to communicate better, and this, for example, included having to be 100 per cent honest about masturbation, which I now do openly and without shame, and so does she! So mutual masturbation is also a much bigger (and very enjoyable) aspect of our sex life.

We also got involved in swinging; not swapping, but rather watching, being watched and generally enjoying erotic situations without shame, which I never dreamt she would ever go along with, but now she actually enjoys it (although our approach and enjoyment differs quite radically).

Our new-found openness also means that it I want to wear her knickers during sex (only very occassionally, not as a lifestyle), I can admit it - and she could admit it gave her a thrill too, when we decided to try it!

So, to summarise: I think you need to aim for a level of communication where complete, unashamed openness allows you to trust each other and therefore find solutions that suit you both. However much you might think you are open and honest with each other now, I expect there is something lacking in your communication. It has to be total on both sides.

Bridging the libido gap often sounds impossible, but we like to think we are proof that looking inwards rather than outwards can provide the solution, and it has even taken us to new levels of sexual fulfilment in our relationship, not just patched up the problems.

Your very thoughtful, intelligent post makes me think it will be a relatively easy step for you, so send me a personal message if you want more details and ideas.

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Posted Wed Dec 30, 2015 04:11 PM

Have her get hormones tested, or estrogen levels.
Set aside time alone anyway possible, be in in a hotel or home when kids are away.
Offer her a massage, starting wit neck and back to reduce stress, and see where that leads.
Message me if needed.