How to Get Your Husband to Listen to You

Feel like you're being tuned out? Is it never the right time to have a conversation? Read on to thaw the listening freeze.

"Stop Tuning Me Out!"

The scenario is always the same: You want to talk, and your husband is watching TV or sitting at the computer. You begin to tell him a story or ask him a question and he mumbles, “Mmmhmm” or worse, doesn’t answer. You feel invisible, and he’s annoyed that you’re interrupting him. It’s the classic “tune out” and we’ve all been there. But how do you get your partner to pay attention and listen to what you have to say? We asked relationship expert and America’s Love Doctor, Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., for advice that really works.

1. Pick the right time and place

“Timing is everything and you need to ditch the distractions,” says Dr. Terri. “Trying to talk when your husband is watching a football game, or right before you go to bed, is probably not the best idea.” Oftentimes, Dr. Terri says, the conversation is more about us than the other person. We want to talk about something that’s on our mind, so we want to do it right away, when it’s convenient for us. But it might not be convenient for the other person. Get Listened To: Pick a time and place that is quiet with no other people around. Perhaps it’s at dinnertime. Or maybe it’s on a walk around your neighborhood. Another great strategy; have a conversation when you’re going somewhere in the car together. “Men like to solve problems side by side, like when they’re in the car, while women like to solve them face to face,” she says.

2. Consider Your Words

“Men and women hear things differently,” says Dr. Terri. “Women like to talk as a way to bond and connect, and like getting everything out. Men can hear the same thing as a problem and immediately think, ‘What did I do?’"Get Listened To: Before you launch into what you want to talk about, try starting with a positive statement. “Saying something first to your husband like, ‘Your work is going really well,’ or ‘Thanks for helping out yesterday,’ opens the door and helps men relax, which means they’ll be more open to the rest of the conversation,” she says.

3. Use "I" Statements, Not "You" Statements

Saying things like, “You always ignore me,” or “You never put your clothes away,” puts a person on the defensive—it’s accusatory to them. Get Listened To: It’s better to say, “I feel stressed when you leave your clothes on the floor,” or “It hurts my feelings when I try to talk and am not listened to.” Using “I” statements lets the other person know how you feel and how their actions are affecting you.

4. Avoid "Kitchensinking"

“We all
have a tendency once an argument starts, to bring up everything that is
wrong in the relationship and dig up the past," says Dr. Terri. This is "kitchensinking". Doing this only pushes
the person to ignore you, and then when you want talk next time, they’ll
come to expect kitchensinking and not be attentive to what you're saying.”Get Listened To: Keep the conversation on track. If you find yourself getting annoyed or angry, take a breath or two to relax. If you think you're veering toward kitchensinking, set aside the conversation and come back to it later, when you're less stressed.

5. Give Advance Warning

“Men don’t like to be surprised,” says Dr. Terri. If you want to talk about something particular or an issue that's bothering you, say something ahead of time.Get Listened To: Send an email or text saying you’d like to set aside time to talk. Or even call your spouse to set up a specific time to talk. This helps men get mentally prepared, says Dr. Terri.

6. Lead By Example

Perhaps this is the most important thing you can do. “A great way to get attention is to give attention,”
says Dr. Terri. “It’s the law of reciprocity.” She suggests that your giving
affirmation or paying attention when your spouse is talking to you,
models good behavior, so they will do the same when the situation is
reversed. Get Listened To: The next time your spouse is talking to you,
give him your undivided attention. Turn off the TV or turn away from
your book or the computer. The more you act the way you’d like to be
treated, the more the message will sink in, and he will start changing
his behavior. “It works!” she says. “Maybe not in one day or the first
week, but over time, you’ll definitely notice his behavior will change.”

Comments

I have a problem reference your listening article. So far, my husband is very angry and advised I had better not bring it up again.It is about hygiene and taking care of himself and going out the door looking ready to conduct business, as he is 70 and still has a career. I am 63 and try to keep my appearance up as I take pride in myself and want to appear to be the best I can.As we age, it seems we need to take more care with with our grooming. So how can I suggest a solution to this situation without upsetting the apple cart?

cchudada@comcast.net on 2013-10-08 09:37:33

Just saw your reply, Mama Cares! Sorry I wasn't back in here sooner. I'm so sorry your husband seems to make it difficult to communicate. But I'll bet there are more wives that have this problem than you know. Why don't you come over to the Community area and talk to people in one or more of the groups there? Just click on Community below - or at the very-top of this page - and you'll see it! As long as you're a GP.com member, all you have to do is log/sign in (as you have to do here) and you can post in any group. (If you want to read, for a while, w/o posting, and get a feel for different forums, you can do that, too, of course. Or start with Club Newcomer and go from there. ) Best to you, whatever you decide!

rosered135 on 2013-10-02 15:03:19

Thanks Rosered135 for some suggestions about my problem. Unfortunately, sending my husband and email about needing to talk, no matter how carefully worded, did not solve the problem. He immediately became defensive when I tried it this week. Wanted to know what he'd done wrong and denied doing anything. So, we were already off on the wrong foot. Praising him later, while trying to get to the actual discussion I wanted to have, only made him tell me to hurry up and get to the point, he wanted to watch a movie. Of course, that made me feel awful, so I just dropped the whole thing and decided the situation would only get worse which was not my plan at all.

I'm guessing that no one (or not many wives) have this problem. Maybe I've been too docile during our marriage, but it did make it easier when raising our kids. Now, I'd like to strengthen our relationship, but I can't do it alone; it takes two. There are many things that happened during our marriage that I ignored so that our kids could have a two-parent family and I won't bring them up, but I'd like to see us have a future as a couple, not two people just sharing a house.

Anyway, thank you Rosered135. It meant a lot to me that you cared enough to try to help me!

Mama Cares on 2013-09-19 21:00:02

Then again, Mama Cares, I suppose that sending him a message that you'd like to talk might make him worry, "'What did I do?'" contrary to #2. I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to reconcile those 2 points?

Anyhow, if you decide you don't want to do that, then maybe starting with a compliment, as #2 suggests would get his attention? Best of luck, either way!