Review

Review Summary: The album that tore my soul from its housing and cast it into the impassive depths of space.

Long ago, a group of like-minded beings gathered together and brought forth upon this world a new album. Saints of yore, these djinn of the night travelled Finland, and later the world; they handed down to humanity the gift of their music, as Prometheus had given the gift of fire. They gathered devout followers to themselves, and their fame did grow. Yay, such was and is… Nightwish.

Some of these followers sought to claim the power of their saints to themselves, and splintered into many bands of travellers, mimicking with absolute audacity the sounds of their lords. One such group took the name Visions of Atlantis to themselves, and today, they inflicted their aural lashes on my feeble mind.

The blasphemous band assaulted me with forgettable choruses of howling goats, their screams echoing into the riven sky as I cowered and swayed. A beast with two heads and a microphone of obsidian crawled from my speakers and resolved before me, towering over my frail form as the moon eclipses the sun. Its ghastly groaning drove me to my knees, and I wept tears of pitch as my ears blood and soul reeled. Finally, a spindly creature with limbs beyond counting stepped before me, and played a completely unremarkable guitar solo.

I wished to flee, to hide, to be anywhere and do anything than to stay here and to listen, but my body was unable or unwilling to obey. I could not accept it. I would not accept it. Refusing to simply give in, to die, my soul tore itself free of its earthly shackles and rose above the din, as the flesh once mine slumped to the floor. The cosmos reeled before me in infinite majesty, but the music echoed still in my mind. Tearing through the sky, I traced a path from the wretched, doomed planet of Earth to the furthest point in the heavens, but the curse I had inflicted on myself could not be so easily undone. The creatures grew in stature to unfathomable depths, their shadows casting all the universe into darkness. Their hands spread over the stars, reaching for me. I sped away, faster than anything I had ever known, but their snaking fingers still overtook me. They blotted out the stars and I saw only darkness.

I send this message to you in desperation, in hopes that my mistakes will not be repeated:

This album’s not very good. I mean, I’ve heard worse, but I’ve definitely heard better, in fact, their last album was alright. This one isn’t. Don’t listen to it.

i always had big plans back in the day to write this concept review of whatever such and such album for my 100th review, but then it wound up taking me 5 years to go from 80something reviews to 100 so ppppttttthhhhbbbb