Monday, May 10, 2010

Barefoot in the Park: Keeping Up Appearances

It is not always easy to make sense of people's behavior at first glance--in fact, thanks to technology, it's getting more difficult every day. For example, it used to be that when you saw somebody walking down the street, gesticulating wildly, and talking loudly to nobody, you could safely conclude that he was insane. Now, however, he can just as easily be an executive wearing a hands-free headset and making a multi-million dollar business deal. (And even then, the "Businessman or Lunatic?" distinction is still not clear-cut, since ITTET it's increasingly obvious that many of our nation's businesspeople are lunatics.) Similarly, as people practice more and varied forms of physical recreation, it can be almost impossible to distinguish exercise from a complete psychological breakdown. Consider this man I saw recently running in Brooklyn's Prospect Park:

At first glance, he appears to be running (or jogging--as far as I can tell, "running" is to "cycling" as "jogging" is to "biking"), though upon closer inspection he's not only shirtless but shoeless. This could mean that he's joined the many people turning to barefoot running. Then again, I would think that you'd have to be pretty serious about running to do it barefoot (especially in Brooklyn, where you're liable to tread upon any number of infectious sharp implements), and that you'd probably have lost your "love handles" long before deciding to shed your New Balances. In any case, you'd almost certainly forego the wool cabbie hat. Therefore, after my initial "runner" prognosis, I ultimately decided that he had been caught in flagrante delicto with another man's spouse and was engaged in the "half-marathon of shame."

Of course, as a person who rarely runs unless chased (and even then only reluctantly), I'm not really qualified to draw any conclusions about people's barefoot perambulations. Similarly, certain writers should probably not be passing judgement on cyclists, as in this article forwarded to me by a number of readers:

I can certainly get behind the writer's main point, which is that people often make wildly impractical bicycle choices. However, like so many people before him with minimal cycling knowledge, he unfortunately veers off into an anti-Lycra diatribe:

While on the bike, he wears near-transparent Lycra, especially if he is slightly overweight and prone to sweating from the buttock cleft. As a rule, I have no time for Jeremy Clarkson, but he is right about the risibility of this rig-out. He once conducted an experiment on Top Gear that established that skin-tight Lycra gives a speed advantage of 0.0001 per cent compared with a man cycling in a three-piece tweed suit with a pipe in his mouth.

I'm not sure why Lycra gets some people so upset, though I suspect it's because they simply don't understand it. First of all, people don't wear Lycra because it's "faster;" they wear it because it's vastly more comfortable on long rides. Obviously it's silly to get "kitted up" and mount a road bike to ride a few miles to the store, but if the writer were to don a three-piece suit on a warm summer day, take an 85-mile ride, and then examine his crotch he'd have a far greater grasp on the subject of "proper cycling attire." I wonder if he's similarly vexed when he sees scuba divers also foregoing tweed in favor of wetsuits. He even undermines his own argument when he mentions that people who wear Lycra are "prone to sweating from the buttock cleft." Clearly, if you're going to be spending the day sweating from the ass and you don't fancy a case of adult diaper rash, you're far better off wearing Lycra than tweed. By the way, "Prospect" is apparently "the most intelligent current affairs and cultural debate magazine in Britain," despite the fact that its contributors are apparently unable to discern recreation from commuting and are baffled by the simple concept of crotchal hygiene.

Speaking of competitive cycling, the Giro d'Italia (which is Italian for the "Giro of Italy") began on Saturday, and I would be remiss if I did not mention that I am writing a short daily Giro-themed blog for the Universal Sports website, which you can find in the "Giro insider blog" section. While I am not exactly a Giro insider (unless you consider watching the Giro on Universal being "on the inside"), I'm also no stranger to competitive cycling. This is because I live and ride in New York City, where every intersection is the start of another match sprint. In particular, I am noticing that as the "fixerati" continue to "come into their own," they've grown increasingly fond of the extremely irritating phrase "on your left." I really should not have to hear these words if I am simply riding in a straight line and going about my business on my bicycle in the same way that I should not have to hear them when another gentleman sidles up next to me in a public restroom in order to use the neighboring urinal. In both cases, he's got his space, I've got mine, and as long as we stick to that space nobody's going to cross wheels or streams.

Still, there I was, riding as straight as a well-hydrated marksman's urine stream, when I heard those annoying words and a fixed-gear rider darted in front of me. Apparently, he was in a big hurry to get to the red light before I did. At the intersection, I stopped, sat jauntily on my top tube, and admired the passing wardrobes of spring, while the person who had been "on my left" rode as far into traffic as possible and froze himself into a trackstand like a pointer who's spotted a duck:

Unfortunately, though, the rider lacked the pointer's poise, and he botched the trackstand due to a combination of his own lack of skill and some sort of mishap with his toe clip:

He continued to wrestle with this complex piece of engineering for some time:

Indeed, he was still attempting to tie his sneaker to his pedal when the light changed, and by the time he finished I was well on my way. Unfortunately, bicycle commuting in New York City is increasingly a tedious process of being cut off by other cyclists and then having to wait behind them while they either practice their trackstands or simply attempt to figure out their own bicycles.

Speaking of figuring out bicycles, a reader in San Francisco recently sent this tantalizingly short video clip of a very mysterious bicycle indeed:

Spotted in the Mission District, the rider is wearing a hardhat and an old-timey mustache and riding a bicycle that places him atop the handlebars. Apparently he refused to share any details about the bike, opting instead to simply regard the camera with a nonplussed expression.

Meanwhile, another reader has sent me a compelling Craigslist ad for a "vintage" Colnago:

In this case, it's not the bicycle itself that is remarkable; rather, it's the disembodied hand in the photo:

The disembodied hand has become a mainstay of amateur bicycle portraiture. However, whereas the hand is usually real and engaged in holding the bicycle upright, in this case it's simply rendered in oil and looming menacingly in the background:

While some people get very excited about old Italian road bikes, I am not one of them. For me, the phrase "vintage Campy" simply evokes old John Waters films, and whether it's bike parts or movies I find both of them quirky and uninteresting. Then again, if you take a "retro" bike to Staten Island things could get exciting:

on the retro silver bike in Gateway? I would like to shove my tits in his face, 69 him, and ride him while he pumps away inside me. Does he like middle aged women?

It sounds like the basis for a John Waters remake of "Breaking Away."

Fortunately, if you're looking to get pounced upon but you don't have $1,500 to spend on a Colnago, you could always pick up this vintage "Jewish" bike, which was also forwarded to me by a number of readers:

Having tested an Israeli bicycle before, I was fascinated to learn that the Jews, despite their bike lane-hating ways, have indeed long been at the forefront of road bike technology. As you can see, they even pioneered the gimmicky wavy fork technology you now find on Pinarellos:Theoretically, the purpose of the design is to absorb road chatter--or what Samson engineers used to call "kibbitzing."

Of course, closer inspection reveals that the fender eyelets are actually at the front of the fork:

Obviously this bicycle is equipped with Reversible Fork Technology (or RFT)--in the event of a front-end collision, simply flip your fork around to correct the geometry.

So Snob, you're commenting on the Giro. Tell us then, was that the Winner's Dildo given to Tyler Farrar yesterday? He was definitely looking plussed when handed some long orange thing, and I was watching today to see if the winner got one, but I only saw flowers. What's the story?

BSNYC, I have questions about your book. You say that to clean a chain you must take it off the bike. Are you just messing with us? Do you have some special chain that easily snaps on and off, and is completely unaffected by repeated coupling? Maybe you are just trying to upset Lennard Zinn, who gives the completely opposite advice? Also, if you are correct, why do you list the only necessary tools as Allen keys, a floor pump, and a wrench (and then only if you lack quick release skewers)? Don’t you need a chain tool to support your cleaning method? On the other hand, the stickers are great.

Those backwards cabbie hats are just BEGGING for snob treatment. There is no more blatant and desperate grasp at insta-coolness. Even Samuel L. Jackson looks like a dork because he simply won't take the foolish thing off his head. Posers: it's beat, okay?

Isn't cleaning/lubing with T-9 just perfectly fine with on the bike chain cleaning? Drop it on like you're lubing, run the chain backward to get a little centrifugal force going to get it where you want it, then rag it off by running the wheel backward. My chains get clean and lubed and done in a snap. I don't take a chain off until its time for a new one.

Sram links work on Shimano chains and others too. They are easier to deal with after they are broken in. Yes, Sram says not to reuse them. They sell the things separately, ya know. I've never broken one, even a "worn out" one.

My current chain cleaning procedure is to remove the chain from the bike, put it in one of those tough plastic bags you find in cereal boxes, spray some Simple Green in there, shake vigorously and let it sit for half an hour. Then rinse with hot water. It's not too dirty a process if you do it right, and all you need to do is dry the chain and lube it before putting it back on the bike. Do this outside. In old clothes. Don't be a fool.

That's what I do too. That 'power orange' type solvent, clean with rag, dry with different rag, remove rear wheeel, use rag to thoroughly clean all the cogs, same with chain rings, replace wheel and relube the chain.

I get nervous removing/ replacing the chain, as I don't like to run the risk of it breaking when I'm 30 miles from home and 5 miles from the closest bike shop.

I used to remove my chains to clean them. Of course, back then I used to wax them too. But I'm older now, so I don't 'wax my chain' like I used to.

BSNYC you've inadvertently linked the "Prospect" article to their "About Us" page. Readers wishing to read the original article may use this link: http://www.prospectmagazine.co.uk/2010/04/ban-silly-bikes/

Is it bad decorum to pass someone in the bike lane while riding even if that person is riding much slower than you? I understand cutting someone off is not good, but simply passing them? how about riding the wrong way up the bike lane even if yielding to on coming riders. is this salmoning? I don't ride against car traffic but there are so few bike lanes that on occassion I will ride the wrong way on one especially during low traffic times. on occassion someone yells a profanity at me, but i just chalk that up to new yorker's dainty sensibilities. someone help me out here, the Snob's growing list of cycling rules is difficult to keep up with.

Snob, I did not mean to imply it was impossible to take a chain off and clean it. It's just that your advice seemed to be directed toward folks without bike maintenance experience, and yet while you tell them to take their chain off you fail to mention that only certain chains are capable of reattachment without a chain tool.

I like to lube the chain with paraffin but also don't like to take the chain off, so I just have this huge vat I heat up over an applewood fire and toss the whole bike in there. Restores the Brooks saddle, rustproofs the frame, reseals the handlebar tape and twine and, if you leave your valves open, seals your tubes to prevent flats. A brisk rubdown when it comes out and all is as good as new!

Riding the wrong way in a bike lane is not safe. It's not safe in high traffic and it's not safe in low traffic.

Saying you abuse a bike lane because there aren't enough of them is incredibly silly. Bike lanes are there to help keep us safe. Abusing the lane by "salmoning" in it, riding your razor scooter in it (in any direction), skateboarding in it (in any direction), running in it (with or without shoes, in any direction), is defeating the purpose of the bike lane's existence.

Also something to be aware of: there doesn't have to be a bike lane on a street for you to be "allowed" to ride on it. If your choice is between taking a 'lane-less' street in the right direction or a bike lane in the wrong direction, always choose the former.

Another thing people don't realize: drivers and pedestrians - and other cyclists, when they're crossing a one way street a lot of times don't even look in both directions. After all why should they? there's not supposed to be any traffic of any kind coming in the wrong direction. So when riding the wrong way, don't be surprised when cars or walkers or riders pull right out in front of you without looking. That one's on you.

ChrisO 1:21:I looked at the Sheldon Brown link. That guy had an encyclopedic knowledge of bikes, but that advice he gives is insane. You could buy brand new chains several times a year for the time, effort, and cost of the complete chain disassembly and regreasing (two different kinds), that he recommends.

Too many times I have seen people driving the wrong direction on a one way street, they are only going one way. That is why I always look both ways before crossing. Expect the unexpected and you will survive to see another day.

I read your universal sports blog.I think the race would have been predictable if it was the tour de france.For the past few years I have been consistently nonplussed by how predictable its become.Whatever happened to the ban on race radios? if they want to clean up cycling they need to take away the goddamn radios so we dont have to be bored out of our minds while Bruyneel and company let the breakaway do their thing till the final Kilometers and have them reeled in and have HTC Columbia take the sprint if it doesnt involve the GC.

Bikesnob,I thought that you of all people would be aware of the greatness that is Jeremy Clarkson, the host of top gear. You should check out some of his videos on YouTube, maybe the one where all 4 presenters race across London (a bicycle wins). If he wrote a blog everyday it would probably be similar to yours except involve cars.

P.s. Clarkson would make up any sort of test result if it made the co-host and cyclist Richard Hammond sound dumb( and I'm pretty sure the author of that article knew that as well)

Lycra haters should be made to ride 85 + km on a non-cutout saddle, in tweed, in Australia, in summer.But seeing as we are all comapssionate people, they will also be provided with tweezers and a magnifying glass. That should weed 'em out.

Dude, I thank you for posting the picture of the barefoot runner. Barefoot running is indeed a trend that is catching on and for good reasons - mainly that running sneakers are the main cause of foot related injuries. I must add, that this barefoot runner is a happily married person and an avid runner who normally wears a bandana when he runs but probably forgot in in his gym bag that day. He runs on a pretty regular basis about one or two loops around the park and as far as I know eats pretty healthy and is in fairly good shape. So while on the subject of judging others, I think you need to include yourself in that category - especially since the runner is me!Cheers

I must add to my last comment - I do like the angle in which you captured me - clearly I am getting better at my chi running as I let my body guide me and fall into my steps. BTW, I should only have you know that I have been running barefoot for over 10 years, well before barefoot running started entering the mainstream. Yes...I do like this picture very much, though I disagree with some of your comments which are at best empty and shallow

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!