'Queen back on 60-a-day' as SNP vows to dump tarnished Windsor brand

HM's personal contribution to global warming has rocketed since she went back on the dreadful weed

Sandringham - The Palace has denied it's roll-ups that she's smoking as a new consignment of duty free Superkings arrived at the Norfolk mansion today.

They are blaming her distaff side little bastard Alex Salmond for stoking the fires of republican Scotland in a New Year dogfight with the Westminster heavy mob.

"This time the dirty little squirt's really taking the piss," a royal fag-lighter-in-waiting twittered today as Sandringham air con equipment struggled to keep the Queen's toxic emissions at bay.

HM's return to the filthy habit has seen priceless tapestries, paintings and furniture 'kippered' as tar and nicotine stains blight the ancient royal interior.

Worried cleaning staff had to mount an emergency foray into Sandrignham's Rudolf Hess Suite after a portrait of the late Queen Mother suddenly developed a Hitler mustache as poisonous fumes made a beeline for the pic.

"At this rate she could suddenly drop dead from nicotine poisoning," royal apothecary Sir Hogwash Placebo fumed in a panic phone call to Prince Philip at lunchtime.

"Well it would be a dreadful co-incidence if that happened tomorrow, Friday the 13th!" the old codger retorted.

SNP leader Alex Salmond is 69.

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