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As Ralph Nader, the producers of “Waterworld” and the
Senate’s current G.O.P. minority can attest, the best-laid plans of
mole rats and men are apt to crumble like gorgonzola when cold-cocked by
the pizza paddle of circumstance.

Consider The Gay Blade’s recent efforts to discharge his journalistic duty
at last week’s Macworld Expo/New York: A strategic gratuity extended to a
Pennsylvania Station men’s-room attendant secured economical lodging and
grooming facilities for the duration, a visit to the local CVS Pharmacy
ensured an energizing stream of DayQuil, and his close personal relationship
with a number of burly Teamsters servicing the Jacob K. Javits Center scored
this utensil a backstage pass to Maximo Jefe Steve Jobs’ keynote
presentation.

Sic semper tyrannus! While he distinctly recalls the lazy
trajectory of a digital camera lobbed in a high, whistling arc from
center stage directly toward his head, the remainder of the Blade’s
Gotham sojourn passed in a feverish blur of painkillers; petit-mal seizures; and peripatetic peregrinations
around Chelsea, muttering darkly to himself and lugging a grimy Creative
Nomad loot bag filled with shag-carpet remnants, cold potato knishes and
greasy Photoshop 7 build notes.

Horse of a different color

And speaking of Technicolor head trips: The consumer software hits just keep on
coming out of Apple, which continues to rack up a polychrome smorgasbord of
nacreous eye candy calculated to unite neophytes with their data in new and
interesting ways: burning DVDs and CDs, transforming digital photos into
desktop patterns, or rolling their own homespun contributions to the
fast-growing adult-film industry and distributing them via the
Internet to like-minded individuals.

Now, Apple is preparing to bridge the gap between the image-capture and
-distribution components folded into Mac OS X by equipping users of its
nouvelle vague OS with a basic set of image-manipulation tools
that echo the capabilities already built into Windows XP. According to the
Blade’s satin-jacketed squadron of flying monkeys, the new package,
tentatively dubbed iPhoto, will let Auntie Em and Uncle Henry modify and
enhance their snaps with simple controls and create electronic greeting
cards, calendars and other personalized cheesecake via an assortment of
templates.

In short, while some ambitious souls in the loge have characterized iPhoto
as a “Photoshop killer,” Apple’s crosshairs are actually
trained on the space once occupied by PhotoDeluxe, the consumer-level Mini
Me of Adobe’s image-editing family.

And considering that Adobe has essentially abandoned the Mac side of the
consumer equation to focus on the Windows version of PhotoDeluxe,
Apple’s efforts in this direction apparently won’t spark
another contretemps of the sort that followed Apple’s decision to
acquire the fixin’s of Final Cut Pro from Macromedia Inc., thus
setting itself up as a direct competitor to Adobe and its Premiere
video-editing suite.

The Blade may not be able to remember the name of that green vegetable
with the leaves you peel off and dip in drawn butter, but he can still
recognize a Mac industry tip when it’s chucked his way. Give him your best shot at The NMR Report, and a
tranquilized lemon rattle could be urine!