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Tarot Car Reading: The Cadillac XLR

29 August 2014

The Cadillac XLR

Based on the C5 Corvette, the Cadillac XLR debuted in 2004, right when the C6 Corvette was also being introduced. That means that right out of the gate, by basing the XLR on an already defunct architecture, GM seemed to be saying to the car world We want to make a cooler Cadillac, but it sure as hell can't be as cool as the Corvette.

Don't get me wrong, the XLR was no slouch on the road. However despite looking like one, it was no Corvette in terms of performance. Instead of the Corvette's LS2 V8, the XLR was born with Cadillac's own 4.6 L Northstar tuned for 320 horsepower, which was good for a sub-six-second 0-60 time.

But the XLR's strong point was not its performance, it was more about being a Cadillac. Luxury features, unique(ish) styling and an aluminum power-retractable hardtop were the key selling features.

The XLR Owner

Right upon first look I can see that you have a young spirit, you're not going to let your age stop you from doing anything. You are willing to take risks and go a little crazy, let your hair down, but you'll never do so if it means sacrificing what you consider to be style.

You like to stand out in a crowd, but not to the point of being the most noticeable member of the crowd. Just enough to make someone look and think "Hummmf, neat." and then go about their business. Like a mid-30's man with a delightful silver streak at the front of his otherwise jet-black hair; it's nothing astonishing, but just enough to make people take notice.

This is good because deep inside, you know you don't really have what it takes to follow-up the slightly risqué outward appearance you've developed. This comes from years of always being made to feel 2nd best by those around you...mostly your brother.

On a financial front, you've never really been good with money. It may not be entirely apparent to you or the people around you since you've always had parents and siblings with money to bail you out along the way. It also helps that people just seem to like you. Your charismatic demeanour has landed you some very lucrative jobs in the past, which has allowed you to make some very off the cuff purchases, while still keeping your head above water.

You spend a great deal of effort and time making sure you look good, you're always clean, your hair is always trimmed and brushed just right and those teeth are blindingly shiny. This effort comes from always being compared to your big brother for whom everything seems to come easy. You need to always stay on point just to stay out of his shadow and looking good is the only way you know how.

You also don't want to let down your one and only twin sister who lost her life back in your family's darker times, the early 1990's. You'll never forget her, she was the only one who understood what it was like to be you. So now you make sure to look extra good to make up for that part of your life that is now missing. You know she would be proud of what you've become.

The Future

Because you've spent a great deal of energy, money and time on your appearance and clothing, you always look great. That also means that much of the time required on keeping a person healthy on the inside was spent on your outwardly appearance.

Your health is suffering due to your bouts with eating disorders and poor health choices (those raves back in 2005 didn't help) but no one would know it by looking at you. Luckily you have a giant, loving, supportive family to fall back on. Your parents, siblings and children are quite literally willing and able to donate any organs or parts you need simply to help you live just a little bit longer.

Thankfully your job will continue to be there for you and you will continue to get pay increases which will be needed to cover the ever increasing costs of life-saving surgeries and treatments needed to keep you looking good and loving life.