Monday, August 25, 2008

Dating in St. Louis is like opening yourself up for a roast. Anything and everything you do will be cataloged and discussed; analyzed and theorized on what it "means."It's basically High School, except everyone is slightly more intelligent.

Gossip now moves at breakneck speeds as compared to High School where it would take at least 4 periods for anything to make it around.Let's say you want to prove this conjecture for yourself. I would recommend going to a party, say in North County, or somewhere further out of the city, make out with a guy/girl that has a hair lip, and see if someone mentions this tryst to you next week.Disclaimer: I have not performed this experiment myself (not because I don't like hair lips), but because I can approximate the results from my experiences as of yet in this bold new dating world.

It seems to all stem from the fact that though St. Louis is a metropolis, when you date it morphs into the quad where you ate lunch in High School. So if you happen to hook up with that hair-lipped-guy/girl, his/her sister's best friend's college roommate's sorority president, happens to be paired with your milkman's drinking buddy's dog obedience instructor for cooking classes at the local Schnucks.

They get to talking and they find that they have this weird connection through 6.2 levels (thank you Microsoft) of separation (the more likely situation is that they saw you making out with that person and just have that undying urge to tell everyone that knows you about it). This sorority president gets so excited about this random connection, she spills the beans on everything she knows about you, and you become fodder for their light conversation while they try and prepare tiramisu (which is always lackluster, no matter how much effort goes into it).

One must also remember the other tenet of the St. Louis dating world: Everyone has been on a date with everyone else.

Being new this environment, whenever I mention that I happen to be dating whoever I am dating, they reply "ohh well, did you know she is x, y, and z."

Now those words can be anything from candid, courteous, and caring, to crazy, conniving, and controlling. And they always can cite several times back in blah blah blah where she did blah blah blah with blah blah blah and it caused blah blah blah.

By this point, you might as well consider me to be married because I have turned off all sensory organs, even touch.

I understand that the dating world is a small place, but does everyone have to get up in everybody else's business? I hope to one day have an extremely wide of a gamut of words to be told about me, I also hope they make no sense, "well he is kind-hearted but despicable, sympathetic but callous." I don't think I would mind being called despicable because then I could finally grow that handlebar mustache; I have just been waiting for a reason and then use my middle name as my first name (trust me, it's basically my cowboy name - Lyle).

Now the question is not how you can avoid this system, because unless you are dating a mute who you take to back alleys for dates, you can't. And even then, somebody else has dated him/her.

The question is how you succeed within the system and ensure that when people do talk about you they only have good things to say.

"But Rosh, I have covered my tracks, I have alibis, nobody knows where I truly am, I even blindfold my date for theatrics." -- I have a universal truth to tell you, these people can smell shenanigans. They love the intrigue and suspense. It does not matter what the truth really is, it only matters how far-fetched a story can be envisioned and still be plausible. So if Y? told people I was at a hedonist beach resort last weekend riding horses barebacked, you probably would not believe him if you had any inkling about me as a person. If he told you that I got drunk and thought I could execute a triple lindy at the aquatic center, such a story would be more believable, but still a triple lindy, come on now, I am not Rodney Dangerfield. If he told you that I got drunk and sneaked into the aquatic center and skinny dipped for a bit, you would probably believe that and tell the next person you see about it (I can neither confirm nor deny that I have done any of the aforementioned scenarios). I bet if I told people that Y? got arrested for playing his bongos too loud and was naked when the cops came to door smoking a corn cob pipe (basically pulling a Matthew McConaughey), most people would believe that, but I digress.

So again, back to my beginning thought, the real question is how you can succeed inside such a system, and the truth of the matter is you can't, so if I were you, which I am not (I drafted this article and you are reading it, clear distinction between me and you), I would start looking for that mute that likes being taken to back alleys on dates and blindfolded.

Also, word to the wise, start watching Lady and the Tramp for some situational experience. My actual best advice to those going through it is be aware of those around you and the environment that you are in. Making out with someone in the middle of Buca (which just might jeopardize your personal space and personal safety) is asking for gossip, making out in your own room . . .the only one that might catch you is your mother. If you are reading my column for dating advice and still living with your mother, I have some Sex Panther Cologne to sell you. 60% of the time it works every time.

Stay tuned for my next article/foray when I go undercover in the jdating world.