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April 17, 2013

this scares me more than anything else

So. This blog. This here blog is where I write about my most current goings on...when I DO write. You may want to thank me for being a bit quiet around here because, truth be told, a whole lotta my goings on these days is about one thing:

Navigating being a mom to teenagers.

I seek no sympathy. I'm fully aware that "this too shall pass". And yes, I will most definitely hang in there. It's sink or swim.

I just have to get this out..this whole obstacle course of this version of parenting. I have to preface it all by saying, unabashadly, that I have really great girls. Amazing girls. No question. They are intelligent, witty, extremely hardworking, polite, considerate, patient, aware of the beauty of nature around them (Just the other day pony #1 said "mom, have you noticed that little line of muscari along the fence down the road?" Seriously! What teenager notices...let alone knows the name of MUSCARI?!?!). I have never heard them utter the words "I hate you" to anyone. Not even me. The worst the name calling gets is "you're acting like a brat!". They have wonderful bedside manners, have no qualms about cleaning the birthing sac off a new born pig, will dig packed manure out of a horse hoof with bare hands if no tools are handy, and are pretty darn good at saving their money. They gravitate towards food grown in a garden, know the difference between the smell of rain and the smell of freshly cut grass, and often look on in astonishment when some peer is acting like she's "all that". They have refreshing sense of style and wear makeup and hair do's like pros, can organize a junk drawer more sensibly than most adults, and know when to use a flat nose shovel or when a square nose shovel would be more suited for the job at hand. They do well in school, want the best for their friends, are tenderhearted and any living creature gets their utmost respect and always a moment of their attention (to a spider: "Hi little guy! where you going?").

Yes. I am their mom. I'm supposed to think all these things. But I'm largely informed by their worlds outside of me. I'm informed by what others tell me about my girls. The feedback is always positive.

So what's the problem? The problem is that there is so much out there specifially designed to win the attention and adoration of their age bracket that gives messages that, in my opinion, are contradictory to their most honorable selves. Damaging, in fact. And I can't shield them from that. At best I can put a big ol' scratch in my record and put on repeat the effects on them, as an individual, of what they are seeing. At best I can try to help them see that what they see in an advertisment is not what the world will see in them if they try to BE that advertisement. They see a perfectly spray tanned bikini model on the poster but if they were to dress in that same get up and parade around the public pool, most sensible folks will see a girl who needs to get a better fitting swim suit. Or worse.

There is a well established company that originally marketed their underwear to married women. Now, they have a line of clothing for teenagers. Fine enough...except for the fact that to purchase that clothing in a live store or online, those teenagers must squeeze through the tightly packed aisled of lace and strings and life sized eye level photos of barely covered ahems to get to the perfectly acceptable hoodie. This, in my opinion, is no accident.

Desensitize is the name of the game. Walk them past the ribbons-disquised-as-underwear enough times and eventually they will seem normal. Bland even. Perfectly acceptable. When just a month or two earlier those same girls felt awkward just looking at them - they would avert their eyes. Now, not only do they look...but they pick up and hold up and have no clue that some guy shopping with his girlfriend (not wife) is there taking a gander at the young girls as well. He may not have any bad intentions. Even he is caught in the trap.

I have nothing against sexy. You will not find a pair of granny underwear in my drawers (aren't you so glad to know). I like trendy fashion and feminine cuts as much as the next girl. Chances are, when I am better proportioned, I will likely even rock a fitted pencil skirt and figure flattering top. But you wont see my upper thighs and will not have the priveldge of being able to take a gander at my cleavage without having have walked through fire for me, given me your vulnerabilities and your loyalty...and given me two amazing children.

When I am rocking that skirt and that top, you will see confidence and comfort. You will see someone who can stand up and sit down a dozen times without having to worry if anything that should be covered isn't. I will not tell the world my whole story by showing it my whole body. It is not the world's story to know. I will not try to capture the world's attention with my flesh but with my femininity. I will intrigue the world not with lust, but with art. Not with appetite but with my capabilities. Not with carnality but with compassion.

And this is what I want for my girls and if I were their only influence, it might be possible. But they go to the mall and they watch tv and they have peers who's family values are fine enough but don't seem to include any standards around modesty. I'm not talking about puritanism or long sleeve-high neck dowdiness. Not at all. I'm merely refering to a standard of dress that promotes barely-there "its' the style" clothing over the sanctity of the feminine figure. The cost of standing my ground on this matter is high. I temporarily loose friends within my own home but the alternative comes at much too high a price for my conscience. I am willing to be a stranger in my own home for a time if necessary.

Somewhere in all of this comes the essential transition of remembering that my daughters have their own agency independent of my values and that there is a phase of this transition that may very well include the influences that are not me, seeming to have a greater effect than I do.

Which brings me to now.

It's torture. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I kept waiting for the time to come for my girls to see my point of view, to emphatically profess a devotion to presenting a version of themselves to the world that says "I value myself, my body, and my mind and the way I dress reflects that. You're going to have to prove yourself a valiant and worthy man to be able to see more." I've realized that day may never come and if it does, it will likely be when I am the grandmother to a sixteen year old girl and my daughter is in the tender and treacherous role of mother.

In a world where the man gets blamed for objectifying the woman, the
woman needs to make damn sure she's not objectifying herself or the
blame is half misplaced. I saw a singer once, on stage with he breasts and crotch barely covered by her skin tight dress ranting about the objectification of women. I wondered if I was the only one who saw the contradiction. Teenage boys are fighting their own intense
battles of hormones, identy, and what integrity and honor mean for them.
It would be amazing if every young lady could honor both the boy and
herself by honoring her body and not making the road they both travel
doubly hard by confusing true beauty with premature sexuality. Winning his desire is not the same as winning his honorable adoration.

I see the choices of clothing in stores and I feel the angst of being a mother with what seems like everything stacked against you in the efforts of modesty. Even with mad sewing and alteration skills, I am tempted at times to just give up the fight. Not only the fight with my daughter about what is appropriate but also the fight with the world about what is available. I let them try on anything they want. I know they are mostly innocent in all this (the market is doing it's job well). But I won't pay for anything that doesn't support my values. They are earning their own money, however, and want to spend it how they want...and the transition hits turbulence. I have one foot in the traditional "you are not setting foot out of this house in that" and "you are a free agent capable of making your own choices that I may or may not agree with".

It's hard. Really hard. And not for the reasons you may think. I'm not afraid of my girls getting dragged into some dark alley and raped by a stranger who's lust has displaced goodwill. I'm not afraid of some big city rave where a drink might get laced with some drug. Those big news horror stories don't quite fit in this picture. What scares me most is what this small town will think of my girls if they prance around in skin tight shirts that they call dresses. I'm afraid that other parents will think I don't care, will think I'm letting the tail wag the dog. I'm afraid that the wrong impressions that will be made. I'm afraid that the message of "I'm dressed like a slut" will overpower who they REALLY are. And this...this scares me more than anything else in my world right now. I have noticed that my most crippling fear in all this is not just that others will be blind to the amazing human beings my girls are if they dressed imodestly in the name of trend, but even more by the reality that my girls may be blind to their own real beauty if they start identifying themselves with clothes that don't honor their sacred mystery, feminity, and divine beauty.

I hope to find peace with all of this soon. But I'm no fool. I know it will likely come after the fact.

Until then, I'm peddling like mad to make sure I fall in love with every joke my girls tell me, every act of service around the house they offer, and every thought they are thinking for themselves - even if it's not the same as mine. I want them to feel so beloved that they are less inclined to look to the confusing parts of the world for adoration. I'll mess it up regularly. But I've got to keep trying.

Comments

It IS a tough situation when you want your kids to be valued for who they are, and you don't want them to give the impression that they are something they aren't. We went through it with the girls AND the boys! Slightly different issues with the boys, but there just the same. Your girls appear to be pretty level headed. You will all get through it, but it won't be easy. You'll have to learn to embrace the grey hair it will give you...but you will get through it.

Oh, I gotcha! Mine are more grown, but I have memories. This may help. Back in the day, my oldest (who had her own money and lived with her dad on and off) told me in no uncertain terms that she could SO wear that black bustier to the teen dance; she bought it herself and her dad didn't mind.

I told her the sorts of things you are saying and recommended that she wear a jacket over it.

She came back from the event in great distress and said, "You were right , Mom" (don't you love those words?). She took off the jacket and got all the wrong sorts of reactions and felt so scuzzy that she put the jacket back on, buttoned it up and left early.

Lesson learned.

Good luck, Steph - you're a good Mom, I can tell - and your girls are so lovely and wonderful. You'll do well. Just hang in there.

There's so much here that resonates with me and I have two boys so I will be facing different sides of that coin. (mine are still in the single digits) but this paragraph stood out for me:

In a world where the man gets blamed for objectifying the woman, the woman needs to make damn sure she's not objectifying herself or the blame is half misplaced. I saw a singer once, on stage with he breasts and crotch barely covered by her skin tight dress ranting about the objectification of women. I wondered if I was the only one who saw the contradiction. Teenage boys are fighting their own intense battles of hormones, identy, and what integrity and honor mean for them. It would be amazing if every young lady could honor both the boy and herself by honoring her body and not making the road they both travel doubly hard by confusing true beauty with premature sexuality. Winning his desire is not the same as winning his honorable adoration.

I think we as women do add to this and don't notice the contradiction. We blame cosmo for objectifying women or airbrushing and even if men are running those magazines, women are buying them. I think this is tough to navigate for all of us and even more so at that age when you're growing into who you are learning your own boundaries and finding your own voice in the world. I think your kids are lucky that you're trying/caring at all. That you're honorable and do follow your own values. I think the most important thing to do as a mom is to walk the talk and to be there for them non-judgingly. (just my opinion of course) and it sounds like you're doing both.

I am lucky - I am a stepmom. I can say and do things that would get a screech of protest, had RealMom said/done them. And i have always been open, up front and honest with my stepdaughter. We went into that same lingerie store when she was 13. she asked me if she could buy a thong. i said in my nearly loudest voice - "YOU WANT THONG UNDERPANTS?? OH HELL NO. WELL, LET'S CALL YOUR MOM AND ASK" And that was the end of it. we left with nothing. i won't help them prosper. but stepgirl always knows that i will give her a straight answer. and every morning i send her a text that says "you are perfect - now go show the world what perfect looks like." she just graduated college, and i adore her still. she is living with us, and i explained to her that she is in charge of her own decisions, but i need to know when she'll be home at night if she goes out - "when to start worrying." and she's respected that. kids will always default to what they saw growing up - remember the first time you said something to your kids that your mother said to you?

Don't forget until they are 18 u do set the rules, thats the way it is end of story and someday they will be saying the same thing to their kids! My dtr is stricter than i was rt now with her 5yo little girl! What was shocking to me was when each of my ponies turned 18 and the realization that according to the law in this country they were all of a sudden adults! And each of them made sure i knew this, believe me that they are no more adults at 18 than when they were 15! It is a crazy world, so exert your control because u will have none when the ponies are18! P.S. my dad was crazy strict about clothing, so i used to stuff my little halter top in my backpack and change after i left! Aloha, angi in hana

What I learned during my journey through "the teenage years", is to be consistent. The day I wanted to stop fighting was the day I tried harder. I am not saying my 2 sons and a daughter were perfect...no, they had their share of mistakes. But what I can tell you is that today at the ages of 27, 29,and 39 they are an asset to our society. Which I am SO very proud of. Sometimes as we are talking, they we will say the exact same thing I said to them so long ago and my heart soars. Because, you know if I said "I told you that years ago" we would be right back to those "teenage years"! You have a big hug coming!!!

beautifully said stephanie! I cannot speak to daughters because I have a son, but I do know that it effects men as well. the only thing I can say is that you keep on loving the shit out of them and pointing out their amazing qualities that having nothing to do with their outer beauty. from what I read here and I don't know you other than what is written here I think you are doing a damn fine job. you can only control what you think, what you say and how you handle it. you cannot control what other people are going to think, but if your girls prance around with confidence. respect and love for the world that will shine through so brightly. I am proud to say that my son who is now 22 sees right through the girls who are looking for love in all the wrong places and he bravely speaks the truth. he will tell his friends that they are beautiful just as they are - inside. he will ask them how they feel when they are wearing certain clothes. what is the message you want to send to the world? I am fortunate that through all my guidance and despite some "speed bumps" he came out on the other side with values that make me smile from ear to ear. my heart goes out to all those children who all they are seeking is love and safety. hopefully someone will reach out to them and guide them or they will happen upon a beautifully written piece like this and open their eyes to the real beauty inside themselves. thank you stephanie! have a wonderful thursday! ciao!

From a mother of 4 (3 boys):
1- My oft repeated motto when the boys were young: Just because you can do it, doesn't mean you have to do it.
2- Mistakes can be effective learning tools. Nothing paralyzes clear thinking more than the fear of failure when one hasn't learned how to recover and reassess. I think parentlng includes knowing which mistakes to allow and which more serious ones to avoid.
3- Respect (for oneself and others) is much harder to give, earn and keep than that hormone-riddled quicksand called love. :)

I think if your girls display even half of the wonderful characteristics you describe then you are way ahead of the game. They may flirt with these trends and fashions in clothes but they are who they are and will always return to their true selves. They are teenagers it is their job to push boundaries. As for the judgements of others in your community if they are unable to see past the exterior then perhaps their opinions are of less value? I have raised girls and boys and it can be a real minefield but you have set solid guidlines and instilled fantastic values and the reward for that is the self realisation your children will have in the not too distant future. Keep your head above water - and just keep paddling ....

Well said! How we clothe our bodies sends a message much as he plumage of a bird does, and we need to teach our children to recognise that . . . and that sometimes the message is not what it seems. Our boys need to know the girl in a low cut, tight-fitting dress is not saying "I'm available" she might be saying "I'm uncertain and I'm trying on this persona." Girls need to know that not many boys have that much control over their hormones to think logically when faced with thighs and cleavage and sexy dance moves!

Really thought provoking post. . the way I see it, a culture can objectify/fetishize a woman's body with more clothing (Afghan women and the burqa comes to mind), or with less clothing. Then there are cultures where women (and men) wear next to nothing at all and it just is the way it is and has nothing to do with objectification or sexuality. So, I guess to me it isn't about more clothing or less clothing but rather raising girls and boys to be independent, respectful thinkers, to challenge their own cultures, and dress the way they choose.

oh SHEEEESH, my memory banks are overflowing! one girl we have, 29 now, i read your formal gown apparel note on fb, and it hit me in the guts!
with what you started your post off with, about your great ponies...those are the important things to you that have happened and they've taken in and embraced most of the time. GOOD JOB LADY! xo
i remember thinking...oh, so this is just what mothers tout when they say "pick your battles"...that was a good one for me steph, because when i shut my mouth those few times, i got another chance, better timing to come in sideways, giving my UN-lecture! ;)...our little bird most always responded like i hoped, timing can be everything. and richard, had a famous secret saying, between we two..."it's time to reel our girl in before letting out any more line for a bit"! we tried doing this without her knowing it was even happening and i'd like to think it worked! if you EVEN care to try and make em' the best they can be...everything seems like your heart and mouth knows just what's cookin'...when to turn up the heat, when to turn it down and having the wisdom of not ever shutting that open communicative door! xoxo

What a beautiful message of heart,love,compassion and reality you have given all of us. Your daughters are very fortunate,as are you. There is a fine line between edgy self expression in clothing and fun self expression. My Mother and I would go to the mall (we lived in San Francisco) near our home and every (EVERY) time we went by Victoria's Secret she would comment (loudly because she was semi-deaf.. she was in her 90s at this time) "Why do they want to wear that? It doesn't cover anything! Don't they get uncomfortable?" People would nod, laugh, look at her all possible reactions and we would laugh. Sometimes for fun I would shade her eye on the side next to the store and tell her "Be brave, we are walking next to the scary store." We had so much fun. What used to be called "soft porn" is out for view, and as you mention if you see something often enough and it is marketed well it has perceived value. The joy of young womanhood comes with a responsibility that kids don't necessarily notice or appreciate. Your values and boundaries are so important and your grounded appreciation of your girls and society are balanced. Your young women are very fortunate. Life is so precious and every phase flits by quickly.
I agree that what you wear creates a reaction in your society and there are consequences to everything we choose to do, including wardrobe and attitude ( I think those two go together). Best wishes to you and your family.