In this groundbreaking account -- already an international bestseller -- Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen lays bare the destructive "hidden" phenomenon of emotional abuse. She argues that while emotional abuse is not as visible as physical abuse, it is equally violent -- and perhaps even more widespread. It is a crime whose aim is, she says, "a virtual murder of the soul."

Emotional abuse exists all around us -- in couples, in families, and in the workplace. But in an age where moral and behavioral standards are not absolute, society turns a blind eye to this insidious form of violence, tacitly condoning conduct that is both dangerous and perverse.

Illustrating her points with gripping case histories from her own therapeutic practice, plus popular examples ranging from the films of Hitchcock to the personal life of Einstein and the works of Ovid, Kafka, and Freud, Hirigoyen analyzes the psychology of abusers and their victims as well as the dynamic between them. She breaks down the stages of emotional abuse, a process that begins with seduction and brainwashing and culminates in an open violence that sweeps the victim into a vortex of destruction. Finally, she offers practical advice on how to break free of abuse's vicious hold.

Stalking the Soul is a call to recognize and understand emotional abuse and, most importantly, to overcome it. Sophisticated yet wholly accessible, this landmark account is vital reading for health professionals and victims of abuse, as well as for the concerned public. In 1995 Daniel Goleman showed the world that emotions shape our intelligence. Today Marie-France Hirigoyen shows that emotions shape our entire being -- indeed, our very soul.

Marie-France Hirigoyen is a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and family therapist based in Paris. Her studies on victimology in both France and the U.S. led her to further research in the area of stalking and emotional abuse.

[from the inside flap]

Table of Contents

Translator's Notes

xi

Introduction

3

PART I

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

ONE

Emotional Abuse in Private Life

13

Emotional Abuse in Couples

14

Emotional Abuse in Families

37

TWO

Emotional Abuse in the Workplace

51

What Is Abuse?

52

Who Is Targeted?

54

Who Attacks Whom?

56

How the Victim Becomes Disarmed

61

How Abuse Begins

67

The Organization That Permits Abuse

77

The Organization That Encourages Abusive Methods

82

PART II

THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

THREE

Emotionally Abusive Seduction

89

FOUR

Communication in an EmotionallyAbusive Relationship

95

Refusal of Direct Communication

95

Distortion of Language

97

Lies

100

The Use of Sarcasm, Ridicule, Contempt

102

The Use of Paradox

105

Invalidation

109

Divide and Conquer

110

The Imposition of Power

111

FIVE

The Stages of Emotional Abuse

115

Hatred Becomes Overt

115

Abuse Comes into Play

117

The Victim Is Cornered

120

SIX

The Abuser

123

Abusive Narcissism

124

Narcissism

125

The Transition to Abusiveness

126

Megalomania

127

Vampirism

129

Denial of Responsibility

132

Paranoia

133

SEVEN

The Victim

136

The Victim as Object

136

The Victim as Masochist

138

The Victim's Scruples

141

The Victim's Strength

144

The Victim's Naiveté

145

PART III

CONSEQUENCES OF ABUSE

EIGHT

Consequences of the "Seizure of Power" Phase

151

Withdrawal

151

Confusion

152

Doubt

153

Stress

155

Isolation

157

NINE

Long-Term Consequences

158

Shock

158

Decompensation

159

Separation

162

Evolution

163

TEN

Practical Advice for the Couple and the Family

167

Reorientation

167

Action

169

Psychological Resistance

169

Legal Intervention

170

ELEVEN

Practical Advice for the Workplace

172

Reorientation

172

Finding Help Within the Organization

173

Psychological Resistance

174

Action

176

Legal Intervention

178

Organizing Prevention

181

TWELVE

Taking Charge Psychologically

183

The Healing Process

183

Psychotherapeutic Options

191

Conclusion

198

Afterword by Thomas Moore

201

Notes

205

Bibliography

209

[from the hardbound edition]

Reviews

Marie-France Hirigoyen has written a book of extraordinary therapeutic value. Her analysis of the often undetected manipulative patterns in destructive relationships is both compassionate and profound, and makes for a fascinating, exciting, and eye-opening reading experience. I think that many readers will find in it, unexpectedly, not only a mirror reflecting their own life, but also -- and above all -- the assistance of a knowing witness. It is only in the presence of such a witness that we may find the courage and strength we need to confront our own painful truth so that understanding and, eventually, healing become possible.

"Refusing responsibility for marital failure is often the cause of setting abuse in motion. An individual with idealistic ideas about marriage carries on an apparently normal relationship with his partner until the day he has to choose between this relationship and a new one. Abuse will grow in proportion to yesterday's idealism. It is impossible to entirely accept responsibility for a failure of this kind. The partner is held responsible when love is withdrawn because she has committed an unnamed fault. The denial of love is acted upon although often verbally denied.

"Recognizing this manipulative behavior leaves the victim in a state of terrible anxiety she cannot get rid of alone. At this stage, victims experience shame as well as anger: shame at not being loved, shame at having accepted humiliation, and shame at what they have submitted to and undergone.

"In some cases, it is a question not of becoming abusive, but of manifesting a previously hidden emotionally abusive nature. This overt hate, now revealed, resembles a persecution complex. Role reversal takes place: the aggressor becomes the victimized one, although the real victim still feels the guilt. To make the situation credible, the other must be forced to behave unacceptably so that she can then be invalidated."

Stalking the Soul:Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identitypages 21-22

"The only protective mechanism for child victims of emotional abuse is to cut themselves off from the situation; subsequently, their identity erodes, the deep core of their soul dies. Everything left over from childhood is perpetually reenacted as an adult.

"Even if all abused children don't become abusive parents, a destructive cycle has been created. Each one of us can act out our inner violence on someone else. Alice Miller shows us how over time, children or victims of control forget the violence they suffered -- the will to know must be erased -- but the syndrome either reoccurs in them or is taken out on others."

Stalking the Soul:Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identitypage 48

"While some employers treat their personnel like children, others treat them like things -- to be used at will....[W]here creativity is involved, the attack on the person is even more direct: any initiative or innovation on their part is destroyed. Employers try to prevent the departure of useful or indispensable employees; they mustn't be allowed to think the situation through or feel capable of working somewhere else. They must be led to believe they're only worth their present job. If they resist, they're isolated. They are denied any kind of contact: eye contact, greeting in the hall, or a deaf ear turned to their suggestions. Hurtful and unkind remarks come next, and if these prove insufficient, emotional violence appears.

"Outright hostility later replaces latent ill-will or malevolence if the victim reacts and tries to rebel. This is the phase of emotional abuse that has been called 'psychoterror.' At this stage, any means or methods will be used, sometimes including physical violence, to destroy the designated victim. This can lead to psychical annihilation or suicide. The attacker has now lost sight of any potential benefits to the company and focuses only on his victim's downfall."

Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identitypages 74-75