Dating Maze #337: Laid-back and Single

I'm a good-looking guy. Why can’t I get any serious dates?

I'm a 36-year-old man who's been dating for several years. I would really like to settle down and get married. But it's been very hard for me to find women to go out with.

A bit about myself: I'm 5-foot-10, average build, and considered better-than-average looking. I have a good personality, am well-rounded, with a BA in environmental studies, and a neat, "clean cut" appearance. I enjoy writing music, traveling, reading the news, and hanging out with my roommates. I have supported myself over the years with a variety of part-time jobs that do not encroach on my laid-back lifestyle.

I want to get married and have a bunch of kids. You'd think with all the women complaining that “there’s not being enough marriage-minded men," this wouldn't be a problem for me. But most women either don't want to go out with me at all, or say they're not interested after a couple of dates.

I can’t figure out what the problem is. Any ideas?

Alex

Dear Alex,

You sound like someone who has a lot going for him, and who has been able to embrace and enjoy life. That's a quality many people wish they had. At the same time, we noticed something missing from your description of yourself. You make no mention of any long-term goals in life, other than wanting to find the right woman to marry. We think that this may be the heart of the problem you're encountering.

You describe yourself as someone who works just enough to meet your basic needs, so that you have the freedom of taking life easily and pursuing your interests. That sounds like a great lifestyle for a young adult whose primary focus is on "finding himself" before he enters the next stage of adulthood; or a man who doesn't want to give up his modest, fun-focused life and assume responsibilities to other people; or even of a retiree who feels it's time to slow down and smell the roses after years of hard work. But this is not optimal for a 30-something man looking for the right woman to build a life with.

A decade ago, you may have looked appealing.

Perhaps this is why women are not so eager to date you. They see someone who's content with his bachelor life, and doesn't have any plans to change it. This isn't what they feel they need in a marriage partner. When they were 20-something, a good-looking, personable, college graduate who was taking it slow for a couple of years might have looked appealing. But as these women get older they begin to think in terms of putting down roots, becoming part of a community, advancing professionally, owning a home, and above all, having and providing for a family. They look for a marriage partner who has similar goals and a realistic idea of how to accomplish them.

A 30-something man who is content with his 20-something lifestyle, and appears to have no desire for anything more, doesn't strike them as husband material.

Lately, many women have expressed frustration that they keep meeting “Peter Pan”-like men who seem content to forever cover their monthly rent and utilities by splitting expenses between four roommates – without thinking to save money for future goals such as home ownership and retirement.

"I don't want to be the major breadwinner while my husband sits around playing guitar half the day," more than one woman has told us. "I don't want to be the only one who feels responsible to meet our bills. And I need to know that when we have children, two parents will be doing their best to provide for our family."

You are living too much in the moment.

When you say you want to get married, you're actually saying that you want to build a future with another person. But we see you as living very much in the moment. And because you don't seem focused on a lifestyle that provides a more concrete future for a family, you don't appeal to the many women who are thinking of those realities.

On the flip side, we often hear complaints from men that the women they date are "too materialistic." This is a valid concern, but that is not the issue here. We are speaking about women who are content with a modest lifestyle – but require the security of a man who is willing to at least share the role as the leader and provider.

The music, travel and friends are great aspects of your personality, and we are not suggesting that you give those up. Rather that needs to be balanced with a more realistic sense of what it means to be the head of a family.

Getting Practical

So what’s our advice to you? We suggest that you take some time to formulate short- and long-term career goals, and then embark on a path to achieve them. Think in terms of the next six months, one year, and five years. Speak with people you know in different career fields, and see if you'll need more training or education. Write down these possible goals, and the various ways you can achieve them. Then choose one to follow and take the plunge.

Another suggestion to help strengthen your “marriagability quotient” is to find a way to give of yourself, by regularly volunteering for a community service program. This will get you feeling a sense of responsibility for others, and is a concrete way to demonstrate that to the women you want to date.

We also encourage you to think about other long-range goals for your life. In five or ten years, what would you like to see yourself doing in terms of lifestyle, community, relationships, and spiritual growth? The women you date want to be able to relate to your dreams and overall expectations for the future. While there are a number of benefits to a laid-back approach, for some people it’s a way to avoid the emotional and physical work that goes into setting objectives, trying to implement them, and dealing with life's challenges.

If you find it hard to make long-term goals or have difficulty following through with your plans, a therapist may be able to help you overcome this challenge.

If you're willing to make the transition from a “laid-back, post-adolescent” to being a capable, focused man who is a responsible partner in marriage, your dating situation will unquestionably change for the better. And then you’re on track to meeting the right woman with whom to build a family and future.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 19

(11)
Sarah,
August 28, 2011 10:35 PM

Supporting yourself? Part time?

"I have supported myself over the years with a variety of part-time jobs that do not encroach on my laid-back lifestyle."
I don't know. The thing is that people usually can barely support themselves on full time. Like the ladies said, women want to choke when they hear that. I also suspect that you DONT support yourself but that you get help from parents.
Anyhow, if you really don't want to work full time and you want to get married, my advice is that you should date minimum 5 years older. So you will be looking at women 41 to 55. Perhaps, you can find one who is divorced and has children. Now, I'm sure you don't like what I am saying because you say you want to have children. However, women want a younger and attractive man just as much as men do. We settle for older men based on how much we make. The less a woman makes, the more she is willing to give on age. It's a practical measure. The reason why we do that is for the fact that older men are usually more established and advanced in their careers. They own homes and have been promoted. They make more than us. They will be able to provide for their families. You should have lived with your parents longer to save up for a home. If you owned your own home, it would have cancelled the part time thing out.
Finally, like the ladies said, part time is for kids (20 somethings)

(10)
grafinia,
August 2, 2011 6:41 PM

Wanna go on a date? :)))

Have you dated on jdate and found those dates to be also empty/kind of dumb also? Same here!
I am a 32 year old female, and can't seem to get any serious dates either, and also looking to settle down and start a family...pretty good looking, educated, funny, successful...
Anyway, if you want to send me an email...you can :)

(9)
Shmuel,
July 15, 2011 9:58 PM

I've been in your situation

All I can say is have Emunah in Hashem, and be yourself and not someone who the girl might want you to be, and just be patient because the right one is when you don't have to be someone that your not and that she will appreciate you for you. I will leave off with this, I never in my years of dating rejected, dumped, said no to a girl ever in my dating life. Thank G-D I'm married now with a 2 year old boy.

(8)
Brian,
July 15, 2011 8:45 PM

Economic Freedom and Tinker Bell

If Alex is debt free than he has more going for him than he is being given credit.
When it comes to income and savings, what do you save in? Cash? Stocks? Property? Bonds? If you save in cash inflation erodes your purchasing power. Stocks, bonds, and property over the last 10 yrs- which would put Alex at 26 yrs old- have returned less than zero and zero if you are lucky (you still have your principle minus broker/management fees). The majority of Americans are in debt and have little to no savings.
I'm 31 and lifestyle wise, the opposite of Alex. I made a choice in my 20s to work my caboose off in order to have economic freedom. Which meant paying off student loans, car loans, etc all while supporting myself AND keeping a social life.
Now that I have my economic freedom I would like to get married but with a divorce rate over 50% and most women in serious debt, I have more to lose probablistically than to gain. Including loss of future income.
Having a plan is great but plans fail too. As a a male, my plan has been to find a woman I am attracted to with no debt, no kids, good health and some for of an income. She could waitress for all I care.
As I have aged I now understand why men who have their life together and are successful (which is subjective) become Peter Pans. Alex, you need to find your Tinker Bell.

(7)
Yisrael S. Math,
July 15, 2011 6:30 PM

Job Security

Excellent Responce to the Laid back man. I might also want to add that in that he said he goes from job to job that does not demonstrate a feeling for stability or security for any partner. Think about that as You pursue Your future endevors. Job Stability is also a key to success! Good Luck and May Hashem give You strength as You go through these challenging aspects of Life.

(6)
Courtney,
July 14, 2011 10:29 PM

Think about this...

The biggest problem with this guy is he doesn't sound 36 at all. He sounds more like the immature 24 year olds I work with...and this guy comes off as too much of a playboy to care about being a real man. It's time for him to get over it, grow up and get REAL.

(5)
HaCalcalist,
July 13, 2011 11:26 PM

The rest of America gets it - Why not the Jewish world?

It takes TWO wage earners to make it in today's economic climate. When is the Jewish world going to wake up and see this? Not everyone is a Lauder, Bloomberg, or Bronfman. Jewish women NEED to take econ 101 before they start rejecting every guy presented because he isn't a doctor or lawyer (lawyers aren't making the type of money they used too but the Jewish girl doesn't get that yet).

Visitor,
July 15, 2011 5:09 AM

how about arithmetic?

You're quite right that not everyone is rolling in money, and two incomes are needed in many areas. So if this fellow has one half of an income (.5), he's expecting his wife to contribute 1.5 incomes and bear and care for a bunch of kids... Who is it that needs Econ 101 again?

HaCalcalist,
July 15, 2011 1:33 PM

Econ 101 Math 101 for Jewish America?

I believe both are in due for a reality check. No more coddling insanity and ignorance.

Brain,
July 15, 2011 9:02 PM

You are both right and wrong

Alex has 1 income = his.
If Alex is succesfully living within the means of his income than he is doing better than the majority of the US population.
Can he support a family- Alex, his wife theoretical children? Probably not. But that does not seem to stop the majority. The redistribution of wealth via federal and state policies to promote the welfare of others who otherwise could not afford their lifestyle-wherther rent, food, children- ALL comes at the expense of regular people (read the middle class) who can.
This in turn lowers the standard of living of the middleclass and perhaps retards the ability to afford the number of children they want.
Why is it that previous generations of American males, most likely with little to no education, most likely with blue collar jobs, could afford to have big families without their wife working ? Clearly a greater purchasing power of the US$.

HaCalcalist,
July 17, 2011 7:33 AM

Brian, actually it was the Union Busting 70s

That destroyed the middle-class.

(4)
Tammy,
July 13, 2011 6:34 PM

Getting married

To me it just sounds like you need to re-evaluate what would be your part in helping support a large family. The right woman is out there for you, keep looking. When you find her, you will both know and then perhaps it is something you will be able to discuss together.

(3)
MattWritesBlog,
July 13, 2011 4:33 AM

The Opposite Problem

I've defintely met after men who fit that profile. In my case I'm on the flip-side. I'm in my mid-20s and very focused on my career yet it seems like all the women I met are just interested in the "bad boy" types. When does this shift occur that they would give somebody like me (A Graduate Student who is starting his writing career; already published) the time of day? Sometimes I just bury myself in my work to distract myself from what is becoming a more apparent issue for me. Up until last year I didn't really care if I found a woman anytime soon or not but as I start to get closer to my third decade I can't help but still to seriously consider the big picture of where I want my life to go. Any sound advice would be great!

Michy,
July 14, 2011 6:14 PM

Matt-hang in there

Matt – not all women go for bad boys. I never did. I wasn’t ready to marry in my mid-twenties, but I would have been happy to be with a great guy with future potential. Not all women are JAPs, either. Keep doing what you’re doing and the right one will come along.

Yechiel,
July 15, 2011 12:15 AM

When does the shift occur? When it's too late, usually.

Congratulations on your early success in a challenging field. I was in your shoes 20 years ago. My observation is that most of the women to whom you refer start "settling" for decent, sober, responsible men at 40 or so, when the "bad boys" are no longer interested. IMHO, such women have little to offer in a relationship other than the bitterness resulting from over two decades of hooking up with uncaring, exploitative men. Unless you're ok with not having kids and willing to take the heat for other mens' sins, steer clear. Since outside of observant Orthodox communities, Jewish women mostly date and marry goyim (intermarriage is 80% or so), many men are competing for few eligible women. Harsh reality: for those of us who are not wealthy and don't resemble movie stars, there are 3 options: A) Marry a Jewish woman who is old, mentally ill, abusive or otherwise not a good marriage prospect. B) Marry a normal woman who isn't Jewish. C) Stand on principle and stay single forever. I can only advise that if you're passionate about your career, don't give it up. Integrity is attractive. If you're lucky, you'll meet someone who is grown up while still in her 20s. Those few special women do like serious, sober men. Best of luck to you!

Zahava,
July 17, 2011 8:01 PM

Much in common

Yechiel, from your comment it sounds as if you and an "old woman" with "little to offer in a relationship other than ... bitterness" would have a lot in common. Perhaps that makes you as poor a marriage prospect as she would be.

Sherman,
July 15, 2011 7:22 PM

Not so simple as you made it out to be.

MWB, you should know by now that women are attracted to "bad boys" because they're FUN. Yes, girls like to have fun. But they also like men who can at least make a living. As for your just-started writing career (even already published), do you seriously believe that will turn out to be a living wage? The odds are 50-to-1 against that. So, in conclusion, what do you REALLY have to offer a prospective mate? Sorry to be blunt but let's face the hard cold reality of life, boychik.

(2)
Rochel,
July 12, 2011 5:35 PM

Be A Man!

Good advice. I would like to add that a woman, especially a frumm woman, needs to know that her husband will be able to support her having many children. Since the "guy" in this article said he wants a large family, he needs to be able to support his wife staying home and raising their children, making thier house a home, and being her husband's companion. A woman cannot be expected to take care of a home and a large family and also work to support the family. Security is where it's at, and being laid back is not good enough.
Kudos to the authors for pin-pointing the problem exactly.

(1)
Abigail,
July 10, 2011 10:14 AM

hard truth

This column is full of sage advice, which when implemented will no doubt help this young man get on the right track to marriage.
As a single woman I find this issue to come up a lot, often when an otherwise wonderful guy wants to stay in learning but has no reasonable goal as to how he plans on supporting a family. It's just not realistic for these guys to assume they can somehow "get by" on a minimal salary and/or depend on the wife to bring home the bacon, on top of her other obligations.

This year during Chanukah I will be on a wilderness survival trip, and it will be very difficult to properly celebrate the holiday. I certainty won't be able to bring along a Menorah.

So if I am going to celebrate only one day of Chanukah, which is the most significant?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

If a person can only celebrate one day of Chanukah, he should celebrate the first day.

This is similar to a case where a person is in prison, and the authorities agree to permit him to go to synagogue one day. The law is that he should go at the first opportunity, and not wait for a more important day like the High Holidays.

The reason is because one should not allow the opportunity of a mitzvah to pass. Moreover, it is quite conceivable that circumstances will later change and allow for additional observance. Therefore, we do not let the first chance pass. (Sources: Code of Jewish Law OC 90, Mishnah Berurah 28.)

As an important aside, Chanukah candles must be lit in (or at the entrance to) a home rather than out of doors. Thus, you should not light in actual "wilderness," but only after you've pitched your tent for the night.

There may be another reason why the first night is the one to focus on. Chanukah is celebrated for eight days to commemorate the one-day supply of oil that miraculously burned for eight days. But if you think about it, since there was enough oil to burn naturally for one night, nothing miraculous happened on that first night! So why shouldn't Chanukah be just seven days?!

There are many wonderful answers given to this question, highlighting the special aspect of the first day. Here are a few:

1) True, the miracle of the oil did not begin until the second day, and lasted for only seven days. But the Sages designated the first day of Chanukah in commemoration of the miraculous military victory.

2) Having returned to the Temple and found it in shambles, the Jews had no logical reason to think they would find any pure oil. The fact that the Maccabees didn't give up hope, and then actually found any pure oil at all, is in itself a miracle.

3) The Sages chose Chanukah, a festival that revolves around oil's ability to burn, as the time to teach the fundamental truth that even so-called "natural" events take place only because God wants them to.

The Talmudic Sage Rabbi Chanina Ben Dosa expressed this truth in explaining a miracle that occurred in his own home. Once, his daughter realized that she had lit the Shabbos candles with vinegar instead of oil. Rabbi Chanina calmed her, saying, "Why are you concerned! The One Who commanded oil to burn, can also command vinegar to burn!" The Talmud goes on to say that those Shabbos lights burned bright for many hours (Taanit 25a).

To drive this truth home, the Sages decreed that Chanukah be observed for eight days: The last seven to commemorate the miracle of the Menorah, and the first to remind us that even the “normal” burning of oil is only in obedience to God's wish.

In closing, I'm not sure what's stopping you from celebrating more than one day? At a minimum, you can light one candle sometime during the evening, and that fulfills the mitzvah of Chanukah - no “official Menorah” necessary. With so much joy to be had, why limit yourself to one night only?!

In 165 BCE, the Maccabees defeated the Greek army and rededicated the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. Finding only one jar of pure oil, they lit the Menorah, which miraculously burned for eight days. Also on this day -- 1,100 years earlier -- Moses and the Jewish people completed construction of the Tabernacle, the portable sanctuary that accompanied them during 40 years of wandering in the desert. The Tabernacle was not dedicated, however, for another three months; tradition says that the day of Kislev 25 was then "compensated" centuries later -- when the miracle of Chanukah occurred and the Temple was rededicated. Today, Jews around the world light a Chanukah menorah, to commemorate the miracle of the oil, and its message that continues to illuminate our lives today.

A person who utilizes suffering to arouse himself in spiritual matters will find consolation. He will recognize that even though the suffering was difficult for him, it nevertheless helped him for eternity.

When you see yourself growing spiritually through your suffering, you will even be able to feel joy because of that suffering.

They established these eight days of Chanukah to give thanks and praise to Your great Name(Siddur).

Jewish history is replete with miracles that transcend the miracle of the Menorah. Why is the latter so prominently celebrated while the others are relegated to relative obscurity?

Perhaps the reason is that most other miracles were Divinely initiated; i.e. God intervened to suspend the laws of nature in order to save His people from calamity.

The miracle of the Menorah was something different. Having defeated the Seleucid Greek invaders, the triumphant Jews entered the Sanctuary. There they found that they could light the Menorah for only one day, due to a lack of undefiled oil. Further, they had no chance of replenishing the supply for eight days. They did light the Menorah anyway, reasoning that it was best to do what was within their ability to do and to postpone worrying about the next day until such worry was appropriate. This decision elicited a Divine response and the Menorah stayed lit for that day and for seven more.

This miracle was thus initiated by the Jews themselves, and the incident was set down as a teaching for all future generations: concentrate your efforts on what you can do, and do it! Leave the rest to God.

While even our best and most sincere efforts do not necessarily bring about miracles, the teaching is nevertheless valid. Even the likelihood of failure in the future should not discourage us from any constructive action that we can take now.

Today I shall...

focus my attention on what it is that I can do now, and do it to the best of my ability.

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