England must deliver, says Gerrard

“We need to score some goals, ideally more goals than we let the other team score,” said Gerrard to gasps from the attending media. “We need to do this by using the things at the end of our legs to bash that round thing towards the net with a big Russian standing in it, and then past the big Russian.”

The Liverpool star went on to explain how a game is made up of two parts, known as “halves”, and that a win against Russia would be “a win”.

“The lads have been learning really really hard how to play football,” he said, “and now I think we all realise that the aim is to win the game rather than to let the other team win it.”

Winning Is On The Whole Preferable To Not Winning: The Wisdom Of Steven Gerrard is available from Penguin, priced £8.99.