10/11/2011

Eat carrots like there was no tomorrow. Play bunnies and foxes with the family. Make munching sounds at work and squiggle your nose up in the grocery store check out line. Not a good month to ask for a raise.

Expect more anxiety this month from unexpected places. Something horrible may happen—or not—but it’s best to check everything twice. For good luck, whenever you go out, be sure to take the exact same path home. Leave markers or little flags if you find that helpful along the way.

Hug your boss once a week. He or she wants to get to know you better.

Take a course in another state this month. Pick a subject that is way out your comfort zone—like knitting concrete, or chugging oil.

This month the dream becomes reality: invest all your savings onto the Tiny Mind Gazette(cash only--in small bills please) and watch as leaves turn color and snow eventually arrives. See? YOU made that happen. Tell others how you did it. Rejoice in your wisdom.

If you choose to exaggerate this month, go big—really big. Tell whoppers. Claim an ancient Norse kingdom. Show the birth certificates of your 297 children. Tell how you have never once lost your keys.

Embrace your mistakes. Make lots this month, some of them on purpose. Strive to not believe everything you believe. Question the concept of “bathing.”

Whip up a new technology. Why not? This is a month to shine. If you tackle time travel, let us know how the future turns out. (And remember who was your best buddy and supporter back in 2011.)

Ask your fellow workers for more personal space. In group meetings, get at least two chairs between you and the next person. Get one of riot police plastic shields if they don’t get the message. Smile often, particularly in the restroom.

An excellent month to express yourself(in song only)–especially at gas stations and movie theaters.

The creative urge will strike at unusual times. Rearrange fence posts at your park or maybe changes all the signs above the grocery store aisles. Others may object, but this is the real you coming out and you should go with it. Also, double your medications.

Someone is tempting you to make a long commitment: new job? New relationship? New set of just slightly used golf clubs complete with head covers and original packaging, designed for longer and straighter ball striking in all conditions (email scrim@greyote.com). Then go with it. You only live once. And they’re in beautiful condition.

Three long-time, blue-blooded members of the prestigious Speedwell Guild were held overnight in a Wapatusset holding cell following a skirmish outside Mr. O’Fooley's Irish Riviera Pub in the village Sunday night. Details are still unclear, but according to witnesses there were heated arguments concerning Invisibines® wind turbines on a disputed Pilgrim settlement and "something about Narraganset Beer."

Chief Liam O’Liam was brought to the scene (actually, he was already at the scene, sitting on his unofficial bar stool) and called in back-up to bring the situation under control.

Two members of the Bored Selectmen also happened to be at the scene (in their unofficial booth), and sprang to action to attempt to mediate. The Selectwoman tried to break up the fight, beginning yet another one of her "In the words of Rodney King..." speeches, but was pummelled with pickled eggs. In the end they all agreed to blame the Water Department.

The following morning, Chief O'Liam agreed to release the Speedwell Three, as they're now being called, but this was after the Bored Selectmen had already agreed to postponed the Columbus Day Parade.

09/01/2011

Virgo The Virgin(August 24 to September 22)—An excellent month to test your bravery. Sometime in the next 30 days, something will attack you in the basement. You will pee your pants. But stand your ground—wait until the fangs have sunk deeply into your flesh and then do a back flip. That should break its jaw. Run upstairs and call the animal control guy. (And while you’re at it, have him pick up a nice mocha latte on the way.)

Libra The Scales(September 23 to October 23)— The color orange will serve you well as the moon is in ascension. Cupid has you in his sights this month, but the little goofball let his arrows get rusty, so get a tetanus shot the second you see someone attractive.

Scorpio The Scorpion(duh!) (October 24 to November 21)—You will hear from an old relative during this time. Possibly a dead one. Get the secret handshake before showing off your jewelry.

Sagittarius The Archer(November 22 to December 21)—You’ll find appetites on the rise as the weather cools. Or is it the weather will raise as your appetite cools? The archipelago seems to be broken on our vacuumizer, so we will keep your informed of any imminent crises. Meanwhile, remember to hydrate. And hydrate to remember.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat(December 22 to January 19)—Bumper cars!! Go find them and drive them, but keep off major highways.

Minke The Whale(January 20 to February 19)—An especially good time to hunt for a special antique. Chances are she’s hiding in the attic. Lure her out with a trail of cheddar chunks.

Pisces The Fish(February 20 to March 20)—Oopsie! We meant to get this in last month’s horoscope, but are reprinting here as a public service: Hurricane Irene is coming and will probably make a mess in many local communities, Wapatusset among them. Prepare for big waves, heavy winds, and boats tearing away from moorings and such. Don’t leave little animals outside. Except the ones who already live outside.

Aries The Ram(March 21 to April 20)—Don’t wear socks with flip-flops this month. Lots of summer yet to go and you don’t want to overheat those cute little toesies. Put muffins in the toaster, but only toast the left side.

Gemini The Twins(May 21 to June 20)—Google yourself frequently during this period. Chances are good that people are starting horrible rumors about you, though most will be false. Rent a pair of those new interweb-trained dogs to hunt down the perpetrators. Report them to the authorities and Louie The Walnut, just to make it interesting.

Taurus The Bull(April 21 to May 20)—This month is a prime time for shipping things. Buy something and send it, even if only to yourself. Jupiter is in retrograde, though; so don’t send anything to Florida.

Cancer The Crab(June 21 to July 22)—This is a good month to rein in your entrepreneurial impulses. Hold off before announcing your dazzling new “app.” Others may not be so impressed when they see the strings hanging off of it. Go back to the drawing board and think more “digital.”

Leo The Lion(July 23 to August 23)—Dance as if no one was watching. Sing as if no one was listening. Spend a month alone in an isolated cabin way up in the mountains until you get this crazy crap out of your system.

Please send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o TinyMindGazette.com who will sift them through his psychic blender and bring them to a state of optimal advisoriness.

08/26/2011

These days, one never knows when an earthquake, hailstorm, hurricane, meteorite or swarm of locusts could hit your neighborhood. Now there’s a comfortable, semi-breathable, partially waterproof suit you can don any day of the year, “just in case”…

Style ripped off from the fashionable Famolare 4-wave heel designed of the 1970s.

Seismic building technology developed by unpaid interns studying Internet diagrams.

Shock aborber "wave" technology able to withstand shaking amplitude of 3.1. *Remember, in a declared state of emergency, follow instructions from government officials. In all other instances, follow TMG instead.

08/01/2011

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: Time will reverse for you sometime mid-month. A tip-off will be when people will start saying, “Jeepers, you don’t know if you’re coming or going these days.” Another tip-off is the word “jeepers” itself. Check your calendar regularly and carry a change of underwear for yesterday.

Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: Eat well this month, and exercise frequently, for there will be unusual demands on you during this time, demands that will test your will, sap your strength, and change your zipcode. Wear hoodies when outside and avoid giving the “power finger sign” to other drivers.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: Plan your wedding while the Moon is in high entourage, even if you have not yet found a mate. Mates are a dime a dozen, but your day of matrimony is priceless.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 24 to November 21) :: Stand in your office chair and practice ski poses at work, particularly if you have glass walls, and even better if you work in a cubicle. Extra points if you’re a welder on high altitude buildings. The increased attention will boost your confidence for when “the right one” walks through your door sometime later this month.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Instead of Saturday and Sunday, start a new trend by referring to these days as “The Week-end.” Say it slowly so people “get it.” Use finger quotes for the slower ones. If in France, call it “Le Weekend.” They’ll eat it up and adore you. Carry a DVD of an old Jerry Lewis movie and you may get a prime table in smart cafes.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: Resist the urge to whisper to cheese during this time, for it is likely to rebound back in unforeseen ways. Remember what happened to Prince Charlemagne of Aquitaine? Well, neither does he, so there you go.

Boehner the Resistor (January 20 to February 19) :: Take a stand and then back away from it several times this month. Keep them on edge with your ever-vigilant truculence. Walk backwards with a huge smile on your face and your hand extended as if you were actually approaching.

Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: An excellent time for exercising your wanderlust, but not the other kind. Spend time alone, hiking and exploring the nether regions wherever you may be.

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: Hop often during this time, particularly when entering or leaving churches, mosques, and synagogues. Instead of prayers, whisper recipes and see if anyone notices. Sing all hymns backwards, just to break up the routine. If you make it to hell, tell them Tiny Mind Gazette sent you.

Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: Here at mid-summer, it’s a great time to try new sports. Such as mime, perhaps. Remember, everything has its time and place and ringtone. Brush often, especially your tongue, because we know where that’s been.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: Resist the urge to get a pet, even though there will be heavy pressure from relatives to get one. It’s easy for them because they will have no pet duties. Paint as many things red as possible now because there will soon be a shortage of red pigment and this will position you ahead of the curve.

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: You’ve been too demanding the last few months and you can see where this has led. So this is an excellent time to relax your standards. Smile at everyone, flirt with DMV employees, and laugh wildly at weather shows while standing in the TV section of BestBuy.

07/22/2011

Do you feel tied to your air-conditioning unit? Tired of being housebound on hot days? Afraid to show your embarrassing sweat stains in public?

Now you can have the cooling comfort of your trusty window unit in a walking suit of armor.

The iSpa(model Z) is a liquid circulating full body-enclosing mobile cooling chamber. The wireless unit is powered by a small, (corn-produced) ethanol-burning, backpack-mounted (like a gas-powered leaf blower) engine (even smaller than the motor used in a Toyota Prius).

The hooded neoprene full-body suite is shaped similar to a beer keg (basically, you look like an unencumbered walking root beer barrel). You not only stay cool, the iSpa allows normal human interaction, thanks to a sophisticated stereophonic audio system and a non-fogging helmet lens. Concerned about backing into something? Fear not, the updated Model X has state-of-the-art electronic back-up sensors, built right in.

Vonko admits that there was a slight problem with earlier models. There was the whole leaking (actually spraying*) issue and the dispersed odor that to some, smelled like a Cineplex concession stand.

The KwikKool iSpa Model Z can be yours for just three payments of $19.99. Send your first payment via cash or Western Union to Vonko c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. Don’t delay!

*picture a 6’ tall, inner-city fire hydrant on a scorching city street, that has been opened up as a sprinkler.

07/15/2011

Last week’s high heat and humidity resulted in a record number of calls and complaints. Due to the TMG staff’s relaxed summer schedule (and the even more relaxed summer schedule of insubordinate unpaid interns), we are forced to present a much abbreviated account of this week’s happenings.

7/16, 3:52pm – Harried housewife beats seagull to death with Jimmy Choo sandal on Sandy Beach. Blames husband and heatstroke. [Note: This incident is in no way related to the Flock of Seagulls death reported in January 2011 - ed.]

microMovie® director christopher harting has released his latest work entitled: "O-Say". The entire piece lasts under 90 seconds. Who doesn't have an extra minute and a half to watch a full-length micromovie? for more of christopher's videos, visit: http://vimeo.com/user6158888 for more about christopher: http://www.christopherharting.com/

Scientist have recently made major strides in developing a self-sustaining single point, raster pixel, that is both green and recyclable. “We totally appreciate green from an environmental and financial standpoint but our audience insists on pixel color variety,” added York, raising a half-filled highball glass containing an amber liquid and crimson maraschino cherry.

“If we were crafting an article regarding sod growth, Peter Pan, or Green Bay Packers, green pixels would be quite acceptable,” stated TMG graphic designer, Clem Clintons. “I would rather conserve the R(red) and B(blue) pixels by well-calculated, pinpoint placement rather than flooding the screen with too much G(green),” Clem added.

Mr. Benchley also announced that Tiny Mind Gazette email notifications would cease to those individuals who have not manually subscribed to the ‘TMG feed’ located in the upper right corner of the publication. If you are a current TMG email recipient, please go to the TMG site and reregister by clicking on the link demonstrated below. “We are not going to waste our dwindling pixel reserves on emails that wallow in recipients inbox and junk mail folders.”

Better yet, click on the BIG RED BUTTON below and you will be on the road to success!