“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

The hood

I was on a roll with this blog before school got so intense. I’ve been spending my time living life instead of dwelling in the digital. Right now, I have been doing well in school. I find myself actually excelling in the “world of academia”. I was very skeptical when I started due to the money I’d have to put out. I decided to head on back to my old CUNY school to keep costs as low as possible. I don’t plan on letting student loan debt become something that cramps my lifestyle by only taking out as much as I need. Next semester when I qualify for more aid, I’m going to save the grants in a bank account so that when I finish my first degree, I can buy my first property. Spending money to increase your future net worth is more then worth it. This all started with life giving me an answer through my long time friend and brother on the phone. I haven’t seen him in years but I know he meant well when he told me to go back to school. I’m so happy and blessed that I listened. I must say it has given me my mojo back. My self-esteem and spirit have grown immensely in the last couple of months. I feel strong and I’m learning my worth. I refuse to settle for subpar relationships and quality of life. I had a female contact me today feeling some type of way after being deleted a while back. I’m not looking for any more random friends on my page nor am I looking to waste my time. We messaged back and forth maybe twice before I didn’t get a response for days. I don’t chase after women like they are objects so that didn’t phase me. I used to get my confidence from outside of my being and I see that was the problem in itself. I have to love myself to get the authentic passion that I deserve. Rejection or failure in those things have taught me lessons that I should’ve learned but I’m starting to get now. Being a man is more then just the physical aspects. It’s an all around lifestyle being able to provide and lead for myself and my family on a daily basis. I’m very traditional when it comes to gender roles so I need a wife whose not afraid to be submissive but has a backbone not to put up with my bs. She has to be willing to mother and nurture my children while I work at least until they are of pre-school age. Then I could feel more at ease with letting them into the watchful eyes of a stranger.

I passed both the court officer and BTO exams while in the process for applying for more city tests. I’m very tempted to take the NYPD exam when they start to offer it again. I was explaining to a friend that I feel like I’d be going against some sort of inner code by taking that oath. It’s internalized oppression affecting my thoughts even though I know better than that. It’s a great stable job with benefits that I could use as a stepping stone to get to the next level in my life. It will all just require patience and chess like decision-making on my part. I need be able to fit my bottom surgery into all of this as well. I know that I wont be content until I can wake up and feel physically completely whole. I work everyday until I can revel in that feeling.

I do have my hysto pre-surgical appointment coming up so this is a step forward for my transition. This is something I’m going to have to do to be able to have the bottom surgical procedure that I want. You can read all about that here. Life has been giving me so much positive energy I’m guessing to balance out the extreme lows I’ve felt and right now I am content. I haven’t reached the plateau just yet but I will keep trying until I make it.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas Edison

What I am looking for out of life is freedom. I long to get out of the rat race long before I get trapped into it. I am currently a legal studies major in college and I see that I really like the profession so far. I have been pondering on a bachelors degree with this program. With this career under my belt I plan to snag me a high paying job out of college. The question is “when will I be complete? I am in limbo with the court officer position hanging right in front of me. I want to use my major as leverage to get into the position. While I am young, I don’t mind having to be more hands on with criminal or family court. But as I get older I want the seven figure money. Taking the court officer job would mean going to school part time. This would delay my degree milestone but it would pay hella good. I am going to look into tuition reimbursement options with the court. Law school may actually be in the cards for me. I want to bust my ass in order for my family to have options in terms of everything. The sky will be the limit for us all while I do my thing.

What I am really interested in right now is real estate investing. In my spare time I have been studying this specialty and finding it is a lot more complicated then I initially thought. It is not something that would deter me from getting into it but I plan on doing a whole lot of prep work before I come out of my pocket. So far I have joined a real estate network here at BiggerPockets. I have been reading the free ebook on the website to familiarize myself with new terms and the lingo that I will have to learn to become an investor. I see the point of it so far is to “buy low and sell high”. I want to build my portfolio with multifamily properties in which I can live in and/or rent out the remaining spaces to prospective tenants. I would like to eventually buy the apartment complex that I currently live in but then again maybe not. I have also been learning how to choose property and how much a location can really matter to how fast you can fill your vacancies. I would consider this a class D neighborhood and an investment with constant money coming out of my pocket. It’s all a dream right now that I will manifest into reality.

I haven’t been sleeping well. My mind always seems to be “clicking” as my mom calls it. I can’t turn my brain off lately. I haven’t really had dreams either. There’s something deep rooted into my being and I’m not sure what it is. I know I miss my dad to the max right now as his birthday inches closer and as I feel lonelier. It’s so surreal that his birthday is 2 weeks before my own so it can be hard to celebrate. I’m not saying that I haven’t enjoyed myself for my day I just go through my grieving process every year. I just imagine what he would say to me if he was still around. If he would be proud of me for what I’ve accomplished in my life. I also wonder if he would accept my transition. I’ve had this conversation with myself a lot lately. I look in the mirror and I can see him everyday. It’s so hard not to just break down into tears when I think about him because it doesn’t get any easier. I haven’t cried this year as of yet but I can feel it coming. The pain never really leaves at least in my case. My father had HIV/AIDS for the duration of my childhood. My parents had always been honest with me about his status and I appreciate that so much. It is one of the things that has saved my life when it comes to my own life of intimacy because I’m extra paranoid about who I get into the bed with. On my summer days I would go with him to his doctors appointments to be there for him and to learn. I also became affliated with the AIDS Center of Queens County or ACQC to brush up on my knowledge of the disease. We did a lot of peer education and outreach to educate others. I would watch him take so many pills everyday on top of his Ensure diet to try and keep his weight. It got to the point where he couldn’t walk without the use of a walker. I watched the disease slowly take my father away from me. This was heart breaking as my dad was one of the most active people I knew growing up. He took me to many different places. I remember our trip to the Statue of Liberty where we walked up all the steps to the Crown. He also took my mom and I to Disney World/Universal Studios where I had the time of my life. He could be such a big kid at times lol. He was a damn good father even though he had his human flaws. I’ll never forget the day he passed.

It was May 2006 and I was a high school senior riding the wave. My grades were average at best because I felt the need at that time to coast. My mom went with him to the doctor while I went to school. My dad was about to be admitted to the hospital for some reason but he refused to stay. He used to hate staying in hospitals so when they tried to admit him I believe he signed himself out. My mom bought him home where he went to sleep pretty peacefully. He woke up in pain in the nighttime hours as he couldn’t void without the use of a catheter for some reason. I recall taking a cab to the hospital where I saw them stabilize him and saw the smile come across his face. My mom and I stayed with him till the sun came up on May 4th. That night we talked about many things including how much he appreciated us being there for him. My so called half siblings never did a thing to help him out when things went downhill. I remember turning around and looking at him before leaving him that day. That was the last time I saw him alive. I had a final that day in English class which I was excused from with a phone call to the school by my mom. I came home and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later to my house phone ringing off the hook. I assumed it to be bill collectors so I didn’t answer the phone. I heard my mom scream out when she eventually answered the phone. I went upstairs to hear “He’s gone… Dad’s gone”. I still remember that feeling that went over me after hearing those words. I was in disbelief and didn’t cry until well after his death. I called my then girlfriend at the time to come after the test so we could talk about his passing in person. I know she took it rough. She was very close to my father. We then went up to the hospital to see him. I didn’t know how to feel. I sat there and rubbed his head for a bit and held his hand. He was so cold. He was known to be such a joker so I felt he would just pop up with “April Fools” just to play with our emotions but he didnt. He was gone and I would have to move forward in my life without him. So far I feel I have coped very well with his untimely passing but then again I haven’t.

I never felt I could compare to him with all of the things that he knew and did in his short life. He owned a bar and was an Electrical Engineer by the time he was 30. Me on the other hand, I’ve been struggling to find some sort of stability in my life and I’m only a few short years from this milestone. It makes me feel little sometimes. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I feel it keeps me motivated to do better. I’ve been reading a lot of real estate blogs and watched a webinar on how to invest while working full time. I hope to use some of these tips to give me financial freedom. I know it won’t happen overnight but I will be successful. My dream is to name a building in his honor and to donate money to HIV/AIDS research so no one else has to lose their loved one to this disease. That would hopefully put my heart and soul at peace.

I Love You Dad Forever
May you Rest in Peace
October 16, 1953- May 4, 2006

I would like to call myself a “gentleman in training”. When I see a woman coming towards me I’ll hold the door for her, or let her go first if possible. There are a multitude of different things that I’ll do for the ladies. I do have my moments of being a complete asshole to the general public when I’m in one of my modes though. I’m from NYC and I live in the hood. Many of the women in my community have disrespected themselves by being mean and nasty. I drop the door on them as often as I can lol. Call me an asshole but I’m no one’s stepping stool. As I come into my own as a man in this world I try to keep an open mind even when “thots” come through with their negativity and ghettoness.

I envision wining and dining my boo in a nice 5 star restaurant like The View dressed in a 3 piece suit. I would have my shiny gators on while she is wearing a nice evening dress with her red bottoms on. Pull her chair out to seat her while we dine on great food. I plan to treat my future wife like a princess.

An older ex coworker of mine explained women to me in a way that always stuck in my head. “Women are like flowers. They come in different shapes and sizes. They are delicate and need a tender touch and care”. Words from a true gentleman. This guy is from the “Old School” and many of his words have stuck with me. I’m very blessed to have had positive men around me that have taught me the foundation of being a good man.

This song has been my jam for today and speaks to my personality.
Thanks for reading.

I found this funny picture of this cat and couldn’t resist using it to express how vulnerable I’ve made myself to others by putting this blog out there.

My Claim To Fame

I love women. I knew from grade school I was “weird” at least in the eyes of the avid heterosexual back in the 90’s. It was around 3rd or 4th grade that I felt my first attractions to the female gender. My first crushes were 2 lightskin, fair-haired females who were pretty girls but into sports. My concept of beauty at that time was artificial.

I remember the girls all calling me a “tomboy”as I got a little older now in junior high. I would wear windbreaker pants and vest. The outfit would be topped with the matching headband with the Nike check to the side. As I speak on in my last article here, I idolized Nelly ALOT. I always felt jealous of people who had confidence in themselves. I was never completely happy growing up as a teen female. I could never approach a woman the way I wanted for fear of rejection and ridicule. I recall an incident where a girl who was part of the rainbow crew in my school wore a “Barbie is a Lesbian” t-shirt and it sparked such controversy. You can look at this article here. It scared the crap out of me and chased me further into the closet.

For the next 2 years of my life I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. This included acting like I was attracted to the opposite sex with my loose girl clothes on. I hated the color pink and despised life for not birthing me as a male. I was a homophobe or at least pretended to be to fit in with my friends. It wasn’t up until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was living a great lie. Almost overnight my personality changed. I started to don a different color du-rag on the regular along with some of my dad’s old pants and loose t- shirts. I ended writing a letter to the main chick that I ridiculed telling her my true feelings and asking to be my friend. Long story short she ended up being my first girlfriend. She introduced me to a theater program formally known as “City at Peace NY”. It is now called the Possibility Project and can be found by clicking here. Here is where I learned I could be myself and opened up to the life of the rainbow. There were so many people like myself in the community and the support was rock solid. Even with all that it still did not feel right.

I did not feel somewhat complete until my freshman year in college after I bought my first prosthetic. There was an almost instant relief in my psyche. I could be intimate with a femele the way that I wanted which is through penetration. I would sometimes wear the device on a regular day because I liked how it felt between my legs. I attributed these feelings to “penis envy” and left it at that.

Fast forward about 5 years into around 2011 when I started to look up testosterone supplements. I saw pictures of women with muscular bodies who would dominate physical routines. I looked up the side effects of this stuff and they include some of the following:

At the time there was no way that could happen. I thought “How would people look at me? What would my partner think?”. It was not until I was looking up an old friend when I found out my own truth. I saw him in transition and was amazed at his changes. I saw the acronym FTM in his gender category so I googled it and found so many guys who felt like me. The first blog I read was here at Ethan Daniels website. It took me to many other blogs and resources that I have used in my own transition. I learned that it was OK to be who I wanted to be.

Since then I have been on hormones and have transformed my body and spirit. I love who I am today and have had so much relief with my dysphoria as I see the man I want now but I still feel like I’m missing equipment. I want to have Bottom Surgery and I have explain the specifics on on a past blog here. My intimate life has gotten so much better the more I feel like “me” though so I can be a bit patient with this process. I will continue on till my physical transition is over and continue with my spiritual and financial growth. Thanks for reading.

It is a word that has appealed to me since first hearing it in grade school but I had no idea what it meant. I grew up with ambitions and goals just like everyone else. The difference with myself is that thoughts of business are always on my mind. Success to me is having passive income where I can make money in my sleep and wake up to this….

I could be watching what is considered “ratchet tv” and think of the money I could be making if I just step outside of the box. It is something that is plaguing my mind every second as I think to myself “things could be better”. I am not some ungrateful human being snobby. I grew up on the bottom.

“Upper class poor” was my father’s definition of our lifestyle. Every Christmas, birthday, or good report card I recall getting some type of Power Ranger toy or video game. So I was blessed in that sense to never be without material things but the hood is outside my door. I was fortunate to go to Disney World as a minor as I found many of my Job Corps family down the line didn’t get to experience that privilege as it was at the time. It wasn’t until I was a courier for UX that I would really see the disparity between African Americans and people of Caucasian descent. In the very nice buildings where I would do the deliveries I would see a majority of other races (Asian, Russian, whatever is “exotic”) and I would say to myself “I deserve to be here too”. The path that I was on as a worker I knew in my heart would never make it possible for me to stay in those buildings where the rent is more then 3 months of my hourly wage at the time. I knew a change had to come.

In a couple weeks my journey into the world of law will commence. I plan on going to the top when it comes to my education. The plan is to use law since it is a well paying field. I want to use my income to start my own gym. I love how working out has helped me to increase my confidence and enhance my looks. I would like to share that energy in a safe place of peace for people to become a better version of themselves. As you can see here I put my money where my mouth was in this case as l molded and shaped my body with exercise. Someday I will use my passions to fuel my dreams. Thanks for reading.

I can say for a fact that since this year has started it has already been eye opening for me to say the least. I didn’t come up with this title for no reason. My new year started around my birthday where I have cut off a lot of the old ties that I had to the past. When I started to realize my summers were becoming a blur in my head, it got to me. I could not tell the difference as all my summers started to seem like a time warp. The only things that could be deciphered from them that was different was the negative addictions that were added to the already hostile group of people. The drama never seemed to end as there was only a quiet lull in between all of them. I was almost certain every year when the drama would arise and now that I look at it none of that was ever good for me in any way. It just taught me to be very picky in who I choose to call “friend or family”. The family that I thought I had left me in the desert by myself to die so to speak. It is like all the things I have done for people in my life just did not matter to them. After finally seeing the light I have decided to move forward and take with me the people who have been there for me through it all
In terms of my transition. I have been off of T for a couple weeks now. I am kicking myself about it but I will be patient. When I go back to the doctor next week I will be going to order my big vial of T for the first time. This should last me awhile as I leave for Unit 9 soon. (This is code and an insider for me and wifey only) Even off the T, I have noticed that my hair is growing in on my face. My gf noticed I have light hairs mixed with dark ones all over my face and I have decided before Unit 9 to start to get shape ups again and get these sideburns in check. My penis feels very nice when it is stimulated. I am loving the growth I have currently but I would like more so I can penetrate. Eventually things will happen for me. If not then it was not meant to be.