A blog about inner explorations

Emotions

We all know this time of year very well. People start thinking of resolutions or goal for the new year to come.

For many, this goal is usually to lose weight. Gyms will start having their sign on specials, health websites will start having sales on supplement stacks, and fitness clothes will be all the new rage.

As for me, this has been my New Year’s Resolution as long as I can remember especially after a holiday season filled with so much food and pictures. Pictures that you see yourself in and think, “I just need to lose x amount of weight and I will be where I want to be, that picture is my motivation.”

I am going to tell you guys something very real about me. This morning, I went on Facebook and saw that my Mom had posted pictures from yesterday and saw myself in one. Mind you, I was wearing jeggings, an oversized sweater, and my hair was kind of messy (I sort of like it that way) but, when I looked at this photo I instantly thought, “I need to lose weight this coming year, I just can’t stand looking at myself in this picture.” After that thought had come and gone, I felt very disappointed in myself. Lately I have been working so hard on breaking away from “losing weight” mentality but, through this journey I have put my health on the back burner. Disclaimer: I do believe when breaking free from the dieting world it is essential to just let go and relax. If that means eating less nutritionally dense foods and skipping the gym, that is 100% okay! Some people need to do this to recover and this is what I did. However, due to this neglect when it came to my health these past few months, I have been extremely bloated and swollen due to the fact that I haven’t been getting hardly any fiber whatsoever and have really slacked on eating fruits and vegetables. I also haven’t been sweating out any of the toxins going into my body from eating some of these not-so nutritionally dense foods which at the time was okay (and still is of course!) but, I want to treat my body better.

So, here they are, my goals for 2016.

Eat more fiber: I need to get my digestive system back on track with proper health because I have Celiac Disease and if by chance I eat gluten, I need a healthy digestive system to help me get rid of it.

Sweat more: I don’t mean as in, “to count calories burned, etc..” but, so I can treat my body with respect and feel better mentally and physically, in the hopes that I can sleep better and wake up feeling more refreshed.

Do more yoga: I have been upping my yoga game a lot lately. I try to aim to do it at least two times a week but I would like to get to the 4-5 days a week seeing as the results have been incredible both mentally and physically and it has brought me so much happiness and peace.

Forgive myself more: You are your own worst critic in all aspects of life, especially if you are an ex-dieter you know this all too well. This year I really want to work on letting things go and not being so hard on myself all of the time. I need to remember that I am not a perfect human being because things happen, life throws obstacles in your way, and what counts is working to get past them, not beat yourself up about it.

Practice mindfulness: This is a huge goal of mine (also: none of these are in particular order) I am always rushing through life whether it be eating, driving, exploring, writing, and so many other things. I forget to appreciate the different sensations and my surroundings and I miss out. I want to see the world for what it is, I want to live in the present because the past is the past and the future hasn’t come yet.

Read more: This is my last goal but, I want to read more. Lately I have been making the effort to pick up a book rather than my Apple TV remote but, I want this effort to be much more significant in the new year.

It would be wrong of me to lie to you and say that losing weight didn’t cross my mind, of course it did! I’m an ex-dieter trying to find her way on this journey of self love and body acceptance but, I do want to treat my mind and body right because this is the only body I’ve got. I am happy that I have some goals not related to health because I find that this is an important step in diet recovery. When you have goals solely focused on health, it could appear that maybe subliminally your goals reflect the subconscious idea of losing weight and although those are not my intentions, I think it is important to point this out for those in diet recovery trying to think of resolutions/goals for the new year.

When it comes to New Year’s Resolutions, don’t think too much on it. Close your eyes, envision yourself lets say…six months from now, where do you want to be? What goals could get you to the point? And choose those as your goals. For example, by practicing mindfulness, by six months I hope to not eat so quickly and truly enjoy my food, and to also drive slower seeing as I have a very long commute to work I always tend to drive like a maniac and I would like to slow the pace down and enjoy the views even if it is snow. Having an image of what you want your life to be can really help when choosing these resolutions. Meditate on it, I promise that with some stillness and relaxation, these goals will come to you.

When I think about winter I think about how dark, cold, and snowy it gets. How the days get shorter and the nights seem to take control of our lives for a while. Many people such as myself take on a seasonal depression, feeling trapped inside and never really enjoying the outside because of how frigid it can be. I’m trying to have a new outlook on winter this year though. Rather than seeing myself as trapped I’m going to take this winter and transform myself mentally and physically.

Mentally I am going to focus on really being in tune with my thoughts and feelings, writing more and coloring in my anxiety books, and really focusing on understanding who I am. I feel like for so long I have neglected the fact that I don’t fully understand my mental health or what has brought me to this point in my life. My anxiety has never been this bad up until this year I would say. This past year I have realized just how crippling my anxiety is and how my panic attacks really and truly affect myself and the ones I love. I am hoping that through writing, coloring, and meditating that I can really go within myself and start to dissect my past and finally let go and move on.

Physically I am going to exercise and fuel my body. Not only will working out better my mindset and release those much needed endorphins, but it’ll help me continue to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve come a long way from the young woman who used to restrict food and over exercise and I am happy to say that I love who and what I am now and now that I do, I am ready to really take care of my body. When the summer comes, I will strip away the wintery layers and show what I’ve accomplished and I cannot wait to reflect on all that I’ve learned about myself.

Loving yourself and committing to self-healing isn’t easy. Some days I don’t want to deal with my emotions and some days I really think that my jeans make me look fat, but I am human. Sometimes we forget that we won’t always have a positive outlook and that the little voice in our heads will get us down from time to time but, what matters is getting back up and continuing the fight to being a healthier and happier person.

I have learned so much since I started this blog back in 2013. When I first started here on WordPress I was a miserable human being. Drowning in my own depression and letting my eating disorder and body dysmorphia rule my life. Some days I still feel like that young girl just trying to find her way but, I know better and I am better. We constantly grow as human beings, always learning from what we do or don’t do, and becoming wiser as the years pass and it’s a beautiful thing to look back and see how we have flourished. Lately I’ve been pretty down and out, but when I look back and see the road I’ve walked on, I know that no matter what comes my way I’ll do the best that I can and learn what I can.

For those of you who don’t know, in May of this year I graduated with my associates in Liberal Arts: Communications / Journalism. I got my first full time job that same month and have been working all summer.

Tomorrow I start my journey towards my bachelors in Communications and Public Relations at Southern New Hampshire University fully online.

From what I’ve heard these classes are progressive as they run in terms not semesters. Two classes is considered full time as you need to dedicated at least 15 hours per week to each class. So, I decided to start with one class which happens to be graphic design. I’ve never taken a graphic design course before, but I think it’ll really help me on the design and presentation of my photography business. I really look forward to learning about how to design something to catch the attention of an audience. Today I bought a bag to fit my laptop so I can do school work on my lunch break at work, a large beautiful planner, and a cute little notebook to jot down notes when listening in on the video lectures.

I really am aiming for success. If I am only taking one class this semester, you better believe I’m getting an A. I’m not going to let any distractions pull me away from my goals. It’s going to be tough working full time, going to school, going to the gym, and having a life but, the end result will definitely be worth it.

Today brings a day of cleaning, because a clean and positive space brings motivating vibes, and reflecting because this is my first semester at a new school and my life has changed drastically over the last year. A year ago today I was taking art classes at my local community college working part time. Now, I barely have time to sleep because I am so busy, but I’m also very thankful.

Today I am erasing my MyFitnessPal app. Since my senior year of high school I’ve had this app. We’ve laughed, cried, rejoiced, and shamed ourselves together. I’ve achieved much with this app, but I’ve also lost something important, myself.

Since getting on this dieting mindset in high school I’ve been consumed with counting calories and “losing this weight” for what seems like forever. I’m done with feeling tied down by a stupid app. By stupid numbers. YOU ARE NOT DEFINED BY A NUMBER. You don’t need to count calories or restrict yourself to lose weight.

Taking care of your body and nourishing your mind and spirit is all you need. I’ve been reading books on intuitive eating and I’m ready to get back in tune with myself. Although yes, counting calories helped me lose twenty pounds, but it also warped my brain into this idea that in order to lose weight I have to restrict and deprive myself of good food and life itself!

I don’t want to have a mini panic attack when someone asks me to go out to eat. I don’t want to have to go on the restaurants website and find a calorie appropriate meal. I want to live my life and enjoy every minute of it. So, today I am deleting the app, and I vow to never count a single calorie ever again. Believe me, I know it’s going to be hard. There are going to be days that I want to download the app back but I’m ready to make this change and work on getting in tune with myself again.

I’m going to post later of day one of I titobe eating or perhaps tomorrow once I complete a full day. I want to share this journey with all of you so stay tuned!

I feel like lately I’ve been focusing on what everyone else is doing. Three months ago I started my fitness IG. I followed so many inspirational people and really posted often on what I was up to with my fitness journey and what not.
After awhile I noticed how obsessive I was becoming with posting to my fitness fitfam and how I wanted to workout exactly the way tee individuals were so I could look like them. I hated these workouts. I’m not someone who likes routines. I’m definitely not someone who enjoys doing the same sort of thing at the gym all the time either. It’s a constant struggle between myself and I. I want to be a weight lifter, a yogi, a runner, or a lazy shit who does nothing. I don’t think I could ever classify as one or other besides yogi because that is something I religiously practice.

Why did I care so much what these people thought of me? Why did I want to conform and become these people when my journey is my own. You can’t be anyone Vito itself is what I came to realize. This journey whether it be to lose weight, better your life, or just try something new, it’s YOUR journey not anyone you follow on Instagram. So, the other day I said goodbye to my fitfam and deleted my fitness IG handle and since then I’ve felt better. I want this wellness journey to be what I want it to be. If I want to lift some weights, awesome! If I want to run my ass off on the treadmill, sweet! If I want to downward facing dog till I pass out, terrific! That’s the beauty of this life that we live, we can mold it and ourselves to be exactly how we want it to be.

I really hate when the day drags. Where it just feels like every minute is ten minutes passing by. It’s not that I’m not busy, it’s just I feel so tired and…yeah, tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Some days I feel so alive, bright, and happy. Other days I feel so blah, dismal, and frustrated with the world. People driving piss me off, people around me piss me off, hell, even I piss myself off. It’s just today is one of those days that I’m just over it. Like Bye Felicia I’m done with you.

Lately I’ve just been feeling so lost especially in regards to my health and fitness goals. Just sort of working out and tracking my food but not really enjoying it, you know what I mean? I feel discourage and unorganized and that’s two things that I hate feeling. Being unorganized and discouraged means I don’t have control. But having control 24/7 isn’t healthy and that’s a thing I’ve been working on, not having control.

I know I just need to let go and take a deep breath. That things will work out when they are meant to work out but, I’m seriously ready for today to be over. At least I get to see my man and get ice cream, ice cream makes everything better, am I right?

The last few days I’ve just been sort of in a haze. I feel like this shell of a body, nothing really inside, just aimlessly walking the surface of this Earth. I don’t really feel anything, I just feel content. Not happy, not really sad. I go through my moments of feeling one way or the other but I do not linger. Lingering on emotions that will only bring you down is not worth it, you are your number one. It is hard to remember that though, especially when your emotions are misguided. This fog casted over me has made it hard to see, hard to grasp reality but it is starting to slowly become clear. I know that life has a funny way of playing things out and sometimes it is unclear of what will come but it is important that we hold onto to hope. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning with things consistently crashing around me but I take each downfall and learn something from it, therefore attempting to find the silver lining. There are so many ways to deal with disappointment, you can dwell on it and beat yourself up, or you can rise above it and be thankful for the experience. It still breaks your heart to feel the twinge of regret, but living in the past will not change the present or future. I can be wise sometimes, I know that I have the tools to live a positive and fulfilled life and I’ve come a long way, but I do doubt myself often. Am I doing the right thing for myself? Will this action make me happy? I don’t always have the right answers and I make uninformed decisions often, but I am always learning. I’m frustrated with my past actions, I am paying greatly for those but I refuse to let it bury me alive. I refuse to give up and I will be damned if I don’t succeed in life.