and here we are…

This little one caught us by surprise in late October.

While it’d be great to report that our initial reaction was one of delight, our actual response had been quite the opposite. Ohhh, there was so much panicking and worry because this hadn’t been in the cards at all. We were supposed to be all done at two, and all together we were four. Those were nice round, even numbers. There was never supposed to have been a three or a five… and now, here we were.

My late October was spent in a state of mental disarray and preoccupation. I spent every free moment thinking about it, even falling asleep worrying about it. It consumed me. Lucas and I lobbed out all the pros and cons.

Pro: the baby would only be 2 1/2 years younger than Ares and having a sibling close on age would be good for him. Con: Ares is just getting out of diapers right now (YAY!). Seriously, two more years of diapers after this? Ugh. Pro: having a new baby would be exciting for everyone. Con: we’d be five people in a one-bedroom apartment until at least October, and where would Ares sleep? And how will I wear Ares when I’m pregnant, or when the baby’s born? And what about being able to pursue my own interests and having time for myself? Obviously that’s going on the back burner for a while. And will we be able to afford a third child, especially when we want to travel? ARGHHHHH.

Yeah, we were freaking out. Or at least, I was.

With the cons dwarfing the pros, as well as our initial reactions, we thought we had our minds made up. There was a lot of Googling and a couple of clandestine trips to the sexual health clinic and the women’s hospital, where I got as far as setting up the appointment to take the abortion pill. I returned from the hospital infinitely less sure of our decision. Even though it was just two pills, the procedure terrified me for some reason, and I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was that scared me. Maybe it was the heavy bleeding, or the unpredictability of the second pill (and needing someone with you the entire day), or the fact that you might be able to make out the features of the fetus when it emerges. I honestly couldn’t say what I was afraid of. It didn’t help that I’d have to suspend breastfeeding for three days — how do you explain to a sleepy toddler who’s not even two that he can’t nurse in the middle of the night? (Granted, I know this is not a reason to forego an abortion, but it certainly didn’t help.) Lucas was concerned about my health, because like any other medical procedure, there are risks. Ultimately, the more we talked about it, the more it appeared to us that we were going to have three kids and before we actually explicitly said anything definitive, we began talking about the logistics of having a baby.

So here we are, sixteen-and-a-half weeks into this new adventure. With the exception of having to switch to maternity clothes and empire waist dresses, taking a prenatal vitamin every morning, and yelling at Raspberry to stop trying to jump on me, the pregnancy now is mostly an afterthought (which I feel terrible about), mostly because I have two insane little people filling up my days. It’ll probably be different once I start feeling the baby kick, but at the moment, it’s just me going through the daily grind, and oh, I just happen to be pregnant. I’m sure lots will change between now and June, when the baby’s scheduled to make its appearance, but for now, the days are just flying by and it’s just quietly hanging out in the ever-expanding belly, waiting for the moments when I notice it’s there.