When Do I Tell Someone I’m Dating That I’ve Had Breast Cancer?

What am I, a guy, doing answering this question? I’m no breast cancer expert. Well, in addition to being a longtime health journalist, the author of five books about manners and an etiquette columnist for The New York Times and Parade magazine, I survived testicular cancer. My cancer experience raised for me many of the same kinds of dating dilemmas that women face with breast cancer. For instance, early on (it’s now been 29 years since my diagnosis), I was rather self-conscious about scars (three, totaling about 21 inches) and the loss of a body part (my right egg).

Like many women in treatment for breast cancer or survivors of it, I wish there had been “A Cancer’s Survivor Dating Rule Book” to guide me. Jean Rowe, LCSW, program manager for survival ship and support at the Young Survival Coalition (a national organization that helps young women face the challenges of breast cancer) has found that when women start to date again it’s like “tipping their big toe in the water—and it’s terrifying.” As she told me on the phone, “When to tell? When you want to. This is in your control. And, the biggest fear is rejection.”

Or do you postpone the discussion until you’re ready to shed your clothes?

There’s no one right time to spring the news. So much depends on how you feel about yourself—and on the personality of that new person. Ms. Rowe suggests that if you’ve gone out with someone four times, that’s often a good benchmark for talking about your condition. “Or, if your clothes are going to come off, you might want to stop and have a conversation,” she added. In the recent big screen film, “Thanks For Sharing,” Gwyneth Paltrow plays Phoebe who tells Mark Ruffalo’s Adam that she’s a breast cancer survivor on their first date. Then, when they first bed she says breezily: “Yes, my tits are fake. That’s what happens when your real ones try to kill you.”

I asked around (via my Facebook page) and was deeply touched by several of the responses, including this one:

“I had a double mastectomy 2 years ago and started a new relationship about 14 months later. Obviously, it isn’t something you bring up on a first date, but as I started to realize this relationship might be going somewhere, I knew I had to discuss it with her. I had reconstruction done, but there is only so much they can do. As long as I am dressed I look fine, but there are scars and the implants are slightly misshaped. So, one night we were at her house having some wine and watching a movie and I approached it. I didn’t blurt it right out, I started talking about my mother’s cancer, and the other women in my family with breast cancer. She asked if I had been tested for the gene, and I said that I had, and as a result I had a preventative double mastectomy. She seemed a little shocked, and had a lot of questions. I did my best to answer them, and she was very understanding and supportive.”

I also received this note from Jamie Lamkin, a friend of mine:

“Personally, I’m really quick to let someone know I’m a cancer survivor and I’ve lost a partner to ovarian cancer. Usually I’ll tell them before I go out on a date with them. I don’t do it for sympathy, simply to let folks know what my life has been. I feel like it gives people an easy out…”

I always liked the idea of practicing ahead of time what I would say on a date, giving a brief explanation that offers just enough information about your treatment, prognosis, current health, and sexual considerations (for instance, any physical or psychological sensitivities). You might even practice your “speech” with a friend. Also, be prepared to answer some basic questions—either in the moment or later on.

Regardless of when you disclose, it’s important to steel yourself for the possibility of rejection. Once, after I told a newish date my cancer news and he thanked me for being honest and sent me on my way, saying: “I just buried my partner who died from cancer. I can’t go down that path again.”

Similarly, Jamie Lamkin found out that a potential date was in treatment for recurrent kidney cancer:

“Honestly, I freaked out. That’s what my father died from a year ago. I know it may seem hypocritical, but I don’t think I could knowingly date someone who was currently undergoing treatment. I don’t feel the same way about a survivor, though. It’s complicated and each person has his or her own level of comfort. Needless to say, I’ve walked away from that potential date. Too loaded.”

My last piece of advice: Don’t assume that one rejection is a harbinger of more to come. Like everything having to do with dating, start with baby steps. As Ms. Rowe counsels: “You’ve got to wade into it and test things out. It’ll probably be messy and awkward, but dating is that anyway.” Fortunately, it gets easier each time.

Do you agree or disagree with my advice? What’s your experience been in talking about serious health matters in a dating situation?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Steven Petrow

Steven Petrow is the go-to source on contemporary etiquette, as cited by The New York Times, People, Time, and NPR. His sometimes gentle, sometimes snarky, always insightful advice has made him a nationally...read more