Carl Alasko: Navigating expectations for holidays

Dear Dr. Alasko: For years my spouse and I have hosted the Thanksgiving holiday, which means I cook for about twenty people, including our grown children. I usually loved doing it and put a lot of effort into making it perfect. But I'm finding that everyone's expectations have become kind of automatic, with not much gratitude for all my work. I'm considering pulling back. Any suggestions?

Dear Reader: It seems there are two parts to your question. One is about gratitude and appreciation for your efforts. The other is about your own expectations. That is, you expect things to go "perfectly," and also to receive appreciation for your dedication to this perfection.

Overall, it sounds like everyone's expectations are somewhat excessive.

The topic of expectations is complicated. The general rule is that the more perfection you expect (from yourself and others), the greater will be your anxiety about things not turning out. The more realistic your expectations (that things will sort of fall apart), the less chance you'll have of being disappointed.

The solution is to put in some good effort and hope things turn out well. And if they don't, it's no big deal. No one is stressed out.

The subject of gratitude and appreciation is also complex. The psychological basis for the lack of appreciation is humanity's built-in ability to habituate and adapt. Humans can habituate to a wide variety of environments and levels of discomfort and comfort, and then accept it as normal. While that's a useful survival mechanism for humans, it doesn't make for the best emotional environment within a family.

For instance, children are designed to expect endless effort to further their happiness. They see it as their due, so they offer just grains of appreciation in return. For their part, parents do not demand gratitude.

It's only natural to expect to receive gratitude. When you've put out a lot of effort into something, it's reasonable that your efforts are appreciated.

Understanding these "facts" about expectations and gratitude will help you create your own limits about how much time and energy you expend in any project.

Finally, you can become a lot more direct about asking for what you need. How about announcing at the end of the dinner that you haven't heard much appreciation from your guests and you'd like them to make the effort to voice their gratitude. If you cause embarrassment by pointing out a person's lack of appreciation in front of others, then it's embarrassment well earned.

A cardinal rule of relationships is "You teach people how to treat you." This includes yourself. This rule applies to every relationship, and is essential within a family. If you never insist on appreciation from your children, even as adults, you might get nothing in return. After all, human children are designed to quickly habituate to generosity and consider it their due. You need to interrupt their habituation with a few heart-felt words. Or an outright demand.

Carl Alasko, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is the author of "Emotional BS" and "Beyond Blame." For information about his books, see: carlalasko.com. Contact him at dralasko@gmail.com.