Mark Greene has one clear reason we should all fight for gay rights. Homophobic prohibitions against male touch are hurting straight men as well.

“Boys imitate what they see. If what they see is emotional distance, guardedness, and coldness between men they will grow up to imitate that behavior…What do boys learn when they do not see men with close friendships, where there are no visible models of intimacy in a man’s life beyond his spouse?” -Kindlon and Thompson, Raising Cain(With thanks to BRETT & KATE MCKAY)

American men, in an attempt to avoid any possible hint of committing unwanted sexual touch, are foregoing gentle platonic touch in their lives.

American men, in an attempt to avoid any possible hint of committing unwanted sexual touch, are foregoing gentle platonic touch in their lives. I’ll call it touch isolation. Homophobic social stigmas, the long-standing challenges of rampant sexual abuse, and a society steeped in a generations old puritanical mistrust of physical pleasure have created an isolating trap in which American men can go for days or weeks at a time without touching another human being. The implications of touch isolation for men’s health and happiness are huge.

Gentle platonic touch is central to the early development of infants. It continues to play an important role throughout men and women’s lives in terms of our development, health and emotional well being, right into old age. When I talk about gentle platonic touch, I’m not talking about a pat on the back, or a handshake, but instead contact that is lasting and meant to provide connection and comfort. Think, leaning on someone for a few minutes, holding hands, rubbing their back or sitting close together not out of necessity but out of choice.

Yet, culturally, gentle platonic touch is the one thing we suppress culturally in men and it starts when they are very young boys.

While babies and toddlers are held, cuddled, and encouraged to practice gentle touch during their first years of their lives, that contact often drops off for boys when they cease to be toddlers. Boys are encouraged to “shake it off” and “be tough” when they are hurt. Along with the introduction of this “get tough” narrative, boys find that their options for gentle platonic touch simply fade away. Mothers and fathers often back off from holding or cuddling their young boys. Boys who seek physical holding as comfort when hurt are stigmatized as cry babies.

By the time they are approaching puberty, many boys have learned to touch only in aggressive ways through rough housing or team sports. And if they do seek gentle touch in their lives, it is expected to take place in the exclusive and highly sexualized context of dating. This puts massive amounts of pressure on young girls; young girls who are unlikely to be able to shoulder such a burden. Because of the lack of alternative outlets for touch, the touch depravation faced by young boys who are unable to find a girlfriend is overwhelming. And what about boys who are gay? In a nutshell, we leave children in their early teens to undo a lifetime of touch aversion and physical isolation. The emotional impact of coming of age in our touch-averse, homophobic culture is terribly damaging. It’s no wonder our young people face a epidemic of sexual abuse, unwanted pregnancy, rape, drug and alcohol abuse.

In America in particular, if a young man attempts gentle platonic contact with another young man, he faces a very real risk of homophobic backlash either by that person or by those who witness the contact.

In America in particular, if a young man attempts gentle platonic contact with another young man, he faces a very real risk of homophobic backlash either by that person or by those who witness the contact. This is, in part, because we frame all contact by men as being intentionally sexual until proven otherwise. Couple this with the homophobia that runs rampant in our culture, and you get a recipe for increased touch isolation that damages the lives of the vast majority of men.

And if you think men have always been hands-off with each other, have a look at an amazing collection of historic photos compiled by Brett and Kate McKay for an article they titled: Bosom Buddies: A Photo History of Male Affection. It’s a remarkable look at male camaraderie as expressed though physical touch in photos dating back to the earliest days of photography.

But at the turn of the 20th century, … Thinking of men as either “homosexual” or “heterosexual” became common. And this new category of identity was at the same time pathologized — decried by psychiatrists as a mental illness, by ministers as a perversion, and by politicians as something to be legislated against. As this new conception of homosexuality as a stigmatized and onerous identifier took root in American culture, men began to be much more careful to not send messages to other men, and to women, that they were gay. And this is the reason why, it is theorized, men have become less comfortable with showing affection towards each other over the last century.

Spend some time looking at these remarkable images. You’ll get a visceral sense of what has been lost to men.

These days, put ten people in the room when two men touch a moment too long, and someone will make a mean joke, express distaste, or even pick a fight. And its just as likely to be a woman as to be a man who enforces the homophobic/touch averse stigma. The enforcement of touch prohibition between men can be as subtle as a raised eyebrow or as punitive as a fist fight and you never know where it will come from or how quickly it will escalate.

And yet, we know that touch between men or women is proven to be a source of comfort, connection and self-esteem. But while women are allowed much more public contact, men are not. Because how we allow men to perform masculinity is actually very restrictive. Charlie Glickman writes quite eloquently about this in his article, Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box. Read it. It’s a real eye opener.

As much as gay men have faced the brunt of homophobic violence, straight men have been banished to a desert of physical isolation by these same homophobic fanatics who police lesbians and gays in our society.

Male touch isolation is one of many powerful reasons why I support gay marriage initiatives. The sooner being gay is completely normalized, the sooner homophobic prohibitions against touch will be taken off straight men. As much as gay men have faced the brunt of homophobic violence, straight men have been banished to a desert of physical isolation by these same homophobic fanatics who police lesbians and gays in our society. The result has been a generation of American men who do not hug each other, do not hold hands and can not sit close together without the homophobic litmus test kicking in.

The lack of touch in men’s lives results in a higher likelihood of depression, alcoholism, mental and physical illness. Put simply, touch isolation is making men’s lives less healthy and more lonely.

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Recently, when visiting my 87 year-old father for a few days, I made a point to touch him more. To make contact. To express my affection, not just by flying a thousand miles for a visit but to touch the man once I got there. It may seem simple, but choosing to do so is not always a simple thing. It can raise a lifetime of internal voices, many of which speak of loss and missed opportunities. But I hugged him. I put my arm around him as we shared a cigar and cocktails. I touched him whenever I walked past his chair. Each evening, we would watch a movie. As part of that nightly ritual, I would sit in the floor, take off his shoes and socks and rub his bare feet for while. It is something I will remember when he is gone. Something I did right. Something that said to him, I love you. Spoken on the same deep touch levels by which he connected with me when I was a toddler sitting next to him, his strong arm around me as I watched the late show fifty years ago.

Its too late in my life for the isolating impact of these stigmas to be fully undone, but there is real hope for my son.

This touch thing is so crucial. I kiss and hug my son constantly. He sits with me and on me. I make a point of connecting with him physically whenever I greet him. The physical connection I have with him has been transformative in my life teaching me about my value as a human being and a father.

We need to empower men to touch. We need to fix our sexually repressed/obsessed American culture and put an end to distorted and hateful parts of our culture that allow homophobic people to police all men everywhere down to the very tips of our fingertips.

It’s too late in my life for the impact of these stigmas to be fully undone, but I have great hope for my son. When we collectively normalize gay life and relationships, my son, whatever his sexual orientation turns out to be, will be free to express platonic affection for others, be they men or women, in any way he sees fit. The rabid homophobes who have preached hate in America for far too long will finally be silenced, and men will be free to reach out and touch each other without fear of being labeled as somehow less of a man.

Daniel Keltner, the founding director of the Greater Good Science Center and professor of psychology at University of California, Berkeley, says “in recent years, a wave of studies has documented some incredible emotional and physical health benefits that come from touch. This research is suggesting that touch is truly fundamental to human communication, bonding, and health.” Keltner cites the work of neuroscientist Edmund Ross, who found that physical touch activates the brain’s orbitfrontal cortex, which is linked to feelings of reward and compassion. Keltner contends that “studies show that touch signals safety and trust, it soothes. It activates the body’s vagus nerve, which is intimately involved with our compassion response…”

A clear indication of how central touch is in our emotional and cognitive development can be seen in the range of studies examining touch and infants (both human and animal), here summarized in an article titled The Importance of Touch in Development found on the National Center for Biotechnology Information’s web site. The article notes:

Developmental delay is often seen in children receiving inadequate or inappropriate sensory stimulation. For example, orphaned infants exposed to the bleakest of conditions in eastern European institutions exhibited impaired growth and cognitive development, as well as an elevated incidence of serious infections and attachment disorders (1) Much evidence now points to the importance of touch in child development and suggests the possibility that these orphaned infants are not suffering from maternal deprivation, per se, but from sensory deprivation, and more specifically a deprivation of mechanosensory stimulation.

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This article has been so vital in my life over the last several years. This is something I crave and don’t know how to ask for: a friend to put his arm around me and watch t.v. with me. A friend to hold me and allow me to feel safe. So often, I feel like it’s my job to protect my wife and children; it’s my job to make them feel safe and secure, but who will make me? Faith plays a large role in that. I’m a Christian. God keeps me safe, God makes me feel secure, but God… Read more »

It’s great that you’re writing about this. Maybe it’s just me, but I see younger guys doing much better with this, and the dads now who are my friends are much more affectionate with their children (sons and daughters) than anything I ever saw growing up. I have a sadness for what we are missing, but am encouraged by what I see coming the generations behind us. As a generation of men who were rarely touched outside of the realm of romanticism (i.e., eros) I hope what I am seeing is a healthy manifestation of the pendulum swinging the other… Read more »

In American culture there’s this strange marriage between historical puritanism and progressive sexualization, both of which have flaws. Stating that legalizing gay marriage will offer both straight and gay American men the freedom and liberty to physically touch again without it being seen as sexual has a hole in the theoretical expectation since pre-legalization of gay marriage didn’t hold the same for women since American society holds up differing expectations per gender. To associate men’s healthy need for non-sexual physical touch with legalizing gay marriage is to puritanically link (with a progressive motive) male touch with sex, which brings us… Read more »

How time flies when you’re having fun. Since I penned this article gay marriage was legalized by the Supreme Court, and no, the problem of male touch isolation hasn’t disappeared. But the legalization of gay marriage does contribute to the ongoing normalization and acceptance of being gay, which will in turn reduce the unfair stigmas many CIS men continue to fear.

I disagree that this is the right direction to reach the noble goal of ending male touch isolation. I think the better direction is to attack the very foundational worldview that led to both touch isolation, and the homosexuality movement. KJ has a point that we’ve come full circle of sexualizing platonic touch that way. The better solution to me is to stop treating homosexuality as an identity, and treat it instead as what it actually is: a set of behaviors, specifically sexual behaviors, with members of the same sex. Once we stop identifying people as gay or straight, then… Read more »

Days and weeks? Try years and years. I frequently think about ‘going gay’ nowadays just to get contact that lasts for more than two whole seconds. Where else is guy gonna get touched besides a sexual hookup scenario, that’s so gay

To the commenter who said that “straight” men don’t want to be touched (they have wives and girlfriends for that), it’s clear that their not wanting to be touched is learned and cultural, not innate. This is obvious because there are many other cultures where touch between “straight” men is the norm, not the exception. When I was in India and Nepal it was very common to see grown and very macho looking guys walking down the street holding hands. At checkers games in the public square the men and boys would be leaning on each others shoulders. The guidebooks… Read more »

I think you were right to point out that American men have lost platonic touch, but I don’t know why. This doesn’t seem to be the case in many other cultures. What can we do to bring back touch, which is something everybody needs?

I believe that this problem is more down to prejudices against “sensitive” men than against homosexuals. Sensitivity in men, especially affection, is seen as unmanly and a sign of gender, and therefore sexual, deviance. In the UK, this become a particularly big issue during the Victorian era when people were afraid of men losing their “manlihood”. The association with homophobia became strong in the late 19th century when we had the Oscar Wilde trials, which showed that being a male homosexual could get you into severe trouble and made people afraid to do anything with male friends that might imply… Read more »

Hi Ian, You are right in noting that there is a clear prohibition in American culture against “feminine” traits in men. It is central to what is called the “Man Box”, is list of rules by which American men are expected to perform masculinity. The Man Box condemns those traits that are are viewed as the opposite of tough, stoic or dominant. It is these very traits, framed as “emotional” or “feminine”, which come quite naturally to boys and men until our culture trains it out of us. What is most tragic is that research shows that the capacity for… Read more »

“Homophobic social stigmas, the long-standing challenges of rampant sexual abuse, and a society steeped in a generations old puritanical mistrust of physical pleasure have created an isolating trap in which American men can go for days or weeks at a time without touching another human being. ”

American men. As in America. As in, the big giant country that is located in North America.

This touched a cord. My father is from the middle east and served in the military for quite awhile. He can’t really conceive of homosexuality and it doesn’t enter into his concerns and he can’t conceive of a real friendship with a woman. As a man, he lives in a world of men and their concerns. I grew up with him kissing and hugging me and his close friends without any second thought (didn’t make high school any easier). I’m over my discomfort with this but it’s rare for me to feel so comfortable showing affection to an American male,… Read more »

As you point out, this is a curious cultural variant of homophobia, found most prominently in some societies but not others. It’s because of the larger culture combined with homophobia in particular. Not all homophobic societies are paranoid about men touching. There are even extremely homophobic societies where male friends touch each other all the time without ANY worry about being thought gay. (In parts of the Middle East, for example.) In some cases, homophobia is so extreme that many men think it’s just inconceivable, so there’s not as much paranoia about being thought of as gay, because they simply… Read more »

Mark! Thanks so much for this article. I am in the middle of a book project titled: Men & Yoga From Shiva to Swenson: Stories & Status and in addition to telling the stories of those men who learned yoga directly from a father, uncle or grandfather, I address a lot of what’s lost in yoga becoming a woman’s sport. In a section on Naked Yoga I refer to this work which I hope you’re familiar with and if not you will be if you can find it: “At Ease: Navy Men of World War II,” Evan Bachner. This book… Read more »

This article is on target with what I teach as a certified facilitator of a communication, boundary setting, nurturing, non-sexual workshop called Cuddle Party http://www.cuddleparty.com So many men need this type of touch in order to thrive and have healthy relationships with children and adults of either gender. The challenge sometimes is that even in this safe setting, many men ask about ‘gender balance’ which could translate to “I’m not comfortable touching other men even in a platonic and friendly manner and I want a woman as a buffer between us if I need to get close to another man.”… Read more »