My friends — and please know that you are all my friends — I stand before you today to announce my campaign for this November’s general election. I want to be your next — excuse me. Someone is pulling on my sleeve. Yes, what is it? I am in the middle of a big announcement. (Whisper. Whisper.) The election is when? Tuesday? Why don’t people tell me these things? (Whisper. Whisper.) Okay, you are telling me now but you should have told me this earlier. (Whisper. Whisper.) You tried to tell me but I wouldn’t return your phone calls? That is the last advice I will accept from Sen. Doug Stoner.

I really had my heart set on being governor. (Whisper. Whisper.) There is no race for governor this year? Bummer.

I’ll just have to wait. But I can assure the people of Georgia that it will be worth the wait. In years to come, I will be compared to the great leaders in our state’s history like Humphrey Wells and Seth John Cuthbert and George E. Perdue.

My first act will be to position our great state to be a major player in the competitive international marketplace of the 21st Century by building a bunch of concrete fishponds and letting India and China know that they may be turning out more engineers and scientists but we will out-fish them any day of the week. (Whisper. Whisper.) He did? Doggone that George E. Perdue. He thinks of everything.

I have promised all my friends that when I am elected I will give them jobs in my administration. (Whisper! Whisper!)

You say Nathan Deal has already done that? Yeah, but unlike his friends, mine won’t have to be qualified. All they will have to do is give me some campaign money and then they can head up whatever commission or board they want.

If anybody questions me, I will have my PR flaks say that the fact they have given me money in no way whatsoever influenced my decision to give them some cushy government job in my administration. (Whisper! Whisper!) Deal has done that, too?

Everybody — except George E. Perdue and probably Seth John Cuthbert — has claimed to be Georgia’s “education governor.” I really will be. My first executive order will be to make all the legislators teach in the public school for a year and all the school teachers serve in the next session of the General Assembly. It would be a win-win all the way around. Teachers could use a few free dinners, courtesy of lizard-loafered lobbyists and maybe a campaign contribution or two. Of course, I would have to tell them that they are not to be influenced by the meals and the money. After all, legislators say this stuff dang sure doesn’t influence them. (Whisper! Whisper!) Yes, I do believe it. I also believe Columbus discovered the South Pole.

Legislators would bring so much expertise to our public schools. Just think about having State Sen. Majority Leader Chip Rogers talk to a group of third-graders about his decade as Will the Winner, the slick-talking cable TV sports handicapper. He could even give the tykes some over-under numbers on the Super Bowl.

What better way to learn math? (Whisper! Whisper!) He told me not to share this but I get the impression that Will thinks 45 will likely be the over-under number this year. You heard it here first.

Acworth State Rep. Ed Setzler likes to go around comparing public education to Burger King and McDonald’s so I’d have him prepare French fries in a Home Economics class. Setzler is a Furman University graduate, which means he is probably smart enough to figure out how much canola oil to throw in the fryer. In the meantime, he will be replaced in the General Assembly by another Furman graduate, my high school science-teaching son, Ken, who knows that teaching is a lot harder than being a legislator because his father told him so. (Whisper! Whisper!) No, he will not go around comparing the Legislature to a grapefruit.

I have a lot of other initiatives, but they will have to wait for the next election. In the meantime, I promise that when I am elected, there will be a bass in every concrete fish pond, a seat on every state board and all the French fries you can eat. I will accept no campaign contributions from organizations who are trying to buy my vote but only from those who want to make this a better world for all mankind. (Whisper! Whisper!)

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