Blazed Movie Reviews: ‘Dark Shadows’

I can’t smoke weed at home anymore because I have kids. So I do it at the movies instead.This week’s review: the latest from the eternal partnership of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, Dark Shadows.

About halfway through this movie I got so bored that I got my phone out and started looking at Tim Burton’s Wikipedia page to see if I could figure out exactly when he started to suck so bad. It’s OK, there wasn’t anybody else in the theater because people are staying far away from this mess. I wish I had too. It’s really bad.

The thing is, I’m not even old enough to remember when Dark Shadows was on TV – and I’m really old. It was apparently a soap opera but with vampires, sort of like Twilight, so it’s not surprising that Hollywood idiots decided it was enough like Twilight to try and make some money off of. Unfortunately, it’s not even as hot as a virgin Mormon girl and a British guy taking four movies to have sex. It’s lame and bloated and creepy in a bad way, a gross uncle with locked folders on his computer way.

Johnny Depp plays Barnabas Collins, a vampire who gets buried alive for 200 years and wakes up in 1972. Eva Green plays the witch who cursed him and a bunch of other jamokes play his descendants, who are just screwing everything up. The movie is supposed to be a comedy, but it’s only funny unintentionally. For some reason this vampire and the witch (who is still alive) are battling for control of a seafood cannery? STAKES IS HIGH!

Depp is like the worst actor alive right now. It’s like he’s Sacha Baron Cohen only he takes himself seriously. He reaches into the dumb idea box and slathers a big load of hog grease all over himself and talks in a dumb voice movie after movie. He’s starting to make Keanu Reeves look good. It’s just junk and he sucks. The scenes of him being perplexed by a lava lamp are unfunny enough to be in an Eddie Murphy movie.

It’s like, “what movie do you want to make?” Do you want to make a fish out of water Encino Man movie? OK, make that. But then they throw in all of this dumb stuff about the cannery and the kid who can see ghosts and the governess and Alice Cooper and I was literally just sitting in the theater praying for it to be over. The absolute worst feeling in the world is being trapped someplace bad while a buzz wears off. Once I did a bunch of Robitussin until like four in the morning and then had to go to my Grandma’s house for Mother’s Day like four hours later and it was excruciating.

Eva Green is really hot but she’s buried under so much makeup that it’s hard to tell. Chloe Grace Moretz from Kick-Ass is all right as the teenage daughter. Everybody else is pretty boring. Don’t see this movie. Don’t encourage these two creepy idiots to keep making movies. They’re done.

Oh, and Tim Burton started to suck with Sleepy Hollow, you’re welcome. Also according to Helena Bonham Carter he has Beetlejuice stripes tattooed on his dick.

Disclaimer: I fixed all typos and grammar errors but left in everything else.