A simple way to enjoy a happier and more abundant social life is to put some effort into making people feel good.

Many people get so caught up thinking they have to rack up some accomplishments, get into better shape, become a person of high value, and more — just to give themselves permission to reach out and connect with others. None of that is necessary. That’s putting the focus on yourself, where you’ll only swirl around in endless circles of self-doubt. You’ll never feel prepared with that approach. You’ll never be done. You’ll just keep coming up with more reasons why you aren’t ready. Your goal will always be six more months away.

If a woman wants me to like her, all she needs to do is ask me, “What can I do to make you feel good right now?” I’ll tell her. Suppose I say, “Well, I’d love a good head-scratching.” And she says okay and starts giving me a head-scratching. Now I’m blissing out, and I have her to thank for it. She’s instantly promoted to my A-list.

Do I care if she does yoga for two hours a day to stay in shape? Does it matter how much traffic she gets to her website? Do I care what color her skin is? None of those things matter to me. If she makes me feel good when I’m with her, of course I’m going to like her.

Alternatively, she can try to impress me instead. She can talk about her education and career ambitions. She can talk about her previous boyfriends and how much they worshipped her. She can tell me about her decade of yoga practice.

And I may very well be impressed. I’ll think, Wow… this woman really has her life on track.

Then I’ll excuse myself and go sit with the woman who gives great head-scratchings… or the one who tells funny stories and makes me laugh… or the one who loves to cuddle.

Why do I love my girlfriend so much? It’s very simple. She makes me feel good.

She smiles at me. She gives me lots of affection. She travels with me. She plays with me. She cuddles with me. She makes me yummy vegan food.

She learned what makes me feel good, and she does those things regularly.

I also make her feel good. I know what she likes, and I do those things often.

Does It Feel Good to Stay?

Why ever leave a relationship? You and/or your partner stop making each other feel good. Either you stop learning what makes each other feel good, or you stop doing what you know.

How could you reignite a broken relationship? Ask your partner what you can do to make him/her feel good, and start doing those things every day. Tell your partner how to make you feel good, and ask him/her to start doing some of those things every day. If either of you doesn’t honor this commitment, let go and find someone else who will synergize with you.

You may encounter people who want you to do things that don’t feel good to you. There’s no need to make sacrifices. Find something you’re willing to give, and then look for people who will appreciate what you enjoy giving.

Some people love buying gifts for each other. Some love to verbally express encouragement and appreciation. Some love touch and affection.

Don’t force yourself to give in ways that don’t feel good to you. Instead, seek out people who enjoy and appreciate a style of giving and receiving that’s compatible with yours.

I love making people feel good through touch, affection, and sharing laughs. It also feels good to receive this. My favorite connections normally include lots of touch as well as plenty of laughter and joking around.

What Makes You Feel Good?

Do the people in your life know what makes you feel good? Have you made it obvious to them?

If you’re currently in a relationship, go to your partner and ask him/her: What do you think makes me feel good? See how accurate the answer is. If it’s not accurate, enlighten your partner. Then switch roles, and tell your partner what you believe makes him/her feel good.

Now review with your partner how often you actually do the things that make each other feel good. Have you been doing well or slacking off? Is someone not pulling their weight? Has some resentment been building? Are you out of alignment between what you’re each willing to give vs. what you each desire to receive?

Get the basics right. Make each other feel good. Do those simple actions every day, multiple times per day.

If you aren’t making your partner feel good, then you’re more likely to feel jealous and possessive since there’s a chance your partner will eventually meet someone else who does make him/her feel good. And where will that leave you? Why should someone remain loyal to a partner who doesn’t make them feel good?

But if you know how to make your partner feel good, and you do those things regularly, then what is there to worry about? You know that your partner has good reason to keep returning to you.

If you make people feel good when they’re with you, they’ll likely want to keep connecting with you. You don’t always have to make this investment though. You may frequently meet with people where such an investment doesn’t seem worthwhile. But when you see other signs of compatibility and you’d like to explore a deeper connection with someone, then making someone feel good is an easy way to open the door.

When you make a decision that goes against the grain of the prevailing social pressure in your life, such as by quitting your job to start your own business, there’s a tendency to think of yourself as being rebellious, independent, willful, or just plain different. Other people may label you thusly, so you might start applying such labels to yourself as well.

Be careful with this type of thinking though. It could have unwanted side effects if you go too far with it.

If you’re willful and independent, does that mean you always have to work alone? Does that mean you’ll never be a good team player?

If you’re rebellious, does that mean you aren’t very good at disciplining yourself to work? Are you into escapism? Are you irresponsible and unreliable?

Am I rebellious because I started my own business? Because I dropped monogamy and enjoy an open relationship? Because I like to travel a lot? Because I don’t go to church? Because I don’t eat or wear anything that comes from an animal?

Rebellion or Responsibility?

I could frame many of my decisions as acts of rebellion, and sometimes it’s fun to do so, but the downside is that I can end up feeling like a social outcast if I do that too often. Thinking of myself as a rebel also doesn’t align very well with the truth of why I made certain decisions in the first place.

Another way to frame these same decisions is that I’m being more responsible. I’m honoring and obeying values that are important to me. I’m not actually rebelling against anything. I’m just making more conscientious decisions as I learn and grow.

I could say that I don’t have a regular job because I’m rebelling against having a boss. But it would be more accurate to say that I want to be fully responsible for choosing the work I do and how I do it. I also want to do work that feels meaningful and purpose-driven. I’ve created a sizable body of work as a writer, enough material to fill at least 30 books. Is that rebellion? No, I didn’t just rebel my way into so much creative output. I assumed more responsibility for helping people grow. I listened to people share their challenges. I thought about ways I could contribute. I faced some fears and pushing through limitations that got in the way of contributing. This path might look independent, but it hardly feels rebellious to me.

I could say that I rebelled against monogamy, but that doesn’t feel true either. The truth was that I wanted to experience more growth in this part of my life. I wanted the opportunity to learn faster, to experience more richness in life, and to connect with more people. I saw this path as an intelligent way for me to connect, learn, and grow in my relationship life. It wasn’t an act of rebellion. It was an act of alignment with values like connection, caring, exploration, learning, and growth.

Traveling doesn’t feel like an act of rebellion either. For me it’s yet another way to accelerate growth and learning. It helps me feel more like a citizen of the world. I also do it because I enjoy it. Many of my friends travel much more than I do, so sometimes I feel like a follower who’s playing catch-up. I think it would be irresponsible for someone with my global influence not to spend a significant amount of time traveling.

I did feel rebellious when I was initially shedding my childhood religion during my late teens. But today this aspect of my lifestyle just seems like common sense. Some religious people still feel the need to label me an outcast, sinner, heathen, etc. (based on the occasional emails I get about that), but I just see those labels as projection. They aren’t meaningful to me anymore. My old religion wasn’t aligned with truth, it wasn’t loving enough, and it was disempowering in many ways. Moving on from it was a form of graduation, not rebellion.

What about being vegan? This aspect of my lifestyle seems to be labeled as a rebellious act more often than any other, but for me it’s an assumption of greater responsibility, not some innate desire to be different. Other people often claim to feel the same as I do about the treatment of animals, but their behavior seems highly incongruent with their professed feelings. I feel responsible to align my actions with the reality of what’s happening; I can’t just ignore the facts and pretend that the animals aren’t being hurt. I love animals, so how can I pretend that turning them into consumables is okay? Am I a rebel because I feel disappointed in those who deny responsibility for how the flesh on their dinner plate got there? No, I haven’t been vegan for 18 years to rebel against the status quo. For me this is about doing my best to make responsible and intelligent choices within the context of a deeply conflicted society.

As we move into the development of stronger AI this century, it’s more important than ever that we learn how to accept more responsibility and make more intelligent decisions as individuals. We can predict humanity’s future based on how we treat our animals.

If you dislike the way the world treats you sometimes, you can start by accepting more responsibility for how you treat the other beings of this world, especially those that are weaker than you.

Convention or Cowardice?

Don’t be too surprised if you’re occasionally branded as a rebel when you’re actually assuming more responsibility, exercising greater self-discipline, and becoming more aligned with values such as growth, courage, compassion, and intelligence. If you enjoy the rebel jacket, feel free to wear it now and then. Maybe it suits you. But don’t let the world convince you that you’re a social outcast for making responsible, intelligent, and growth-oriented decisions.

If you want to see positive changes in your life, strive to become more responsible and mature, as opposed to just being different and doing your own thing. Increase the thoughtfulness of your own decisions, and don’t fuss too much over how others might label you.

My perspective is that I’m not going to let the world off so easily. If I get labeled a rebel for assuming more responsibility and for making intelligent and growth-oriented decisions, then couldn’t such labeling be interpreted as a denial of responsibility by others? Those who attempt to paint me as a rebel are simultaneously trying to label themselves as normal, are they not? If they can qualify as normal, then they don’t have to keep learning and growing. They can stagnate. They can settle.

This is pure cowardice, isn’t it?

Such weak-mindedness needn’t define you. You’re capable of making better decisions and taking action. You’re capable of building fresh momentum. Life doesn’t expect or demand perfection from you. But life will not be kind to you if you try to turn your back on your path of growth.

Let’s make the acceptance of greater responsibility a common act, not an exceptional one.

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