Q: My family is dysfunctional and fractured. For the holidays, I’ll end up having buffet at the nearest casino with my dad and 13-year-old son. My mom says she can’t eat with us because she’s housesitting and my sister lives out of state. My boyfriend of two years will spend the holidays with his mom and his out-of-town sisters

I’ve never met his mom and she has no desire to meet me. From what I understand, it’s because I’m a divorced, single mom. I mentioned to my boyfriend my depressing Thanksgiving situation and he didn’t say anything. He didn’t offer to talk to his mom about inviting me and my son.

We’ve discussed marriage, but how do I reconcile his refusal to invite me to a family function when he proclaims a desire to spend a lifetime with me?

A: Better question: Why did you skip straight from dropping hints to reconciling his “refusal” as if it were absolute?

If I read your account correctly, you didn’t say to him that you wanted to be with him on Thanksgiving, that you wanted to meet his mom, that you wanted him to stand by you if you weren’t welcome at his mom’s. You didn’t say you wanted anything different from a casino buffet with your son and dad.

Meanwhile, if you think a casino buffet for Thanksgiving is depressing, then why is/was it even an option? Your dinner partners are real people offering real companionship and representing three generations. Surely you could have collaborated on a meal at home, gotten silly, tried a bizarre new recipe; invited friends over who otherwise would have been alone; gone on a Thanksgiving day trip to a place you’ve always wondered about. Surely you could have made reservations at a restaurant that you didn’t equate with defeat? Or gone to the casino with quarters in your pocket and a what-the-hell in your heart?

Dysfunction in your extended family might be something you have to accept, but you don’t have to keep deferring to it in your own home. When you don’t have something you want, it’s your job to either to get it or spin your straw into gold.

In other words, make your own celebrations on your own terms, and invite your boyfriend to join you. If he says no and cites his mom’s gatherings — and doesn’t invite you and yours — then bring the question to him of reconciling your exclusion with his talk of marriage. You can’t complain about his nonresponse if you non-ask him to respond.

And if he responds in a way you don’t respect, then tell him so — and get spinning. Pining to be at his mother’s table focuses your mind and heart on what you don’t have. If instead you think creatively, explore all of the options you control, and choose the most appealing one, then you’ll be investing yourself in enjoying what you do have. Nothing’s more worthy of celebration than that. When gatherings have a joyous host, grown sons are more likely to blow off their judgmental moms to attend.

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