Sunday, March 4, 2012

I am trying!!

Things have been looking up. There have been no threats of divorce in the last few weeks. Ricky's health has improved since he has been taking a new health supplement. His residual back pain is gone. The blood pressure numbers are great. His diabetes are stabilized. The best part is there have not been any more awful fights. We are going back to church and reconnecting. You would think that I should be rejoicing and thanking God for the reprieve. But I am not. Instead I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like every time things are on track, the Lord just wants to throw another curb ball. Quite frankly I am sick of the curve balls, challenges, and struggles. I have gotten to a point where when things are great I expect something bad to happen soon. I hate feeling this way! I am trying to be grateful for the blessings that have come my way. I have been praying every night. But I still feel so disconnected from God and I hate that. I dont want to be at war with Him. But my trust is so shattered. I am praying that my heart is changed. I am trying to be better.