Forums

Photos

Everything posted by Moist One

How do you know when you have hit rock bottom?
How do you know how many steps away you are from being Kurt Cobain, Gary Speed, Robin Williams etc?
Do you know anyone who has suffered from depression or suicidal tendencies? How would you spot the signs?
What was the difference in Gary Speed the day before he ended it, and on the day?

I started this thread 3 years ago cos I realised I was in a very low place, but wasn't sure how low I was, and how much lower I could manage. Sadly, I'm back in a similar place and have been for a month or so, except I'm struggling to find any comfort in self-awareness or knowledge that others are suffering similar.
I've tried to avoid burdening anyone with my feelings over the last month, but am hoping writing it down on here might help, so apologies in advance. I'm in a situation where I am having a daily battle with myself. These battles used to be annual, then monthly, then fortnightly, then non-existent, and they're basically a "what's the point?", and being candid, they've been a give yourself a reason to live internal conversation. The bit I'm realising is that many of my reasons are based on fantasy, ******** and delusion at the moment. Silly things like "you might fall in love and live happily ever after!"!!
What's been quite saddening, but I accept, is that friends I used to rely on can no longer be relied on for anything. Simply as they have other issues to deal with, Mortgages, Weddings, Babies, Family Illnesses, Work issues etc, so I cannot expect them to drop anything just to pander to my neediness.
I drew parallels to Ronnie's post recently, scarily so. In recent months, my only positive has been work, and knowing that I'm doing a banging quality job, or so I thought. I had the wind knocked out of my sales recently, having discovered my manager isn't actually aware of what I am doing and would quite happily see me down the road. Things came to a head, and I won a little battle (that I didn't want) to save my job. But not without a few weeks of feeling very isolated, lonely and victimised.
Over the last few years, those I consider friends have declined almost all invitations to visit or spend time with me, always with reasons I might add, but nevertheless, I've eventually began to take it personally, even if not intentional rejection. Every attempt to get together as a group is just a stressful waste of time, and the reasons they've given to not be able to attend have been quite surprising, and I've taken that as me being way down on the list of priorities.
I went off the radar a few weeks ago. Literally made myself uncontactable. Deleted Whatsapp, Snapchat etc, didn't tweet, didn't post here or anywhere else, and just worked, and went home. I cannot explain why I did this, but eventually people guilted me into getting involved in things. I wrote a lengthy explanation to 20 mates making them aware of what I was going through, and on the whole they responded supportively. I spent a few weeks trying to force myself to be more positive, but the fact that these supportive friends have just carried on being somewhat neglective and ignorant, knowing what I was feeling, has left me feeling doubly negative.
Christmas is never a great time for me, I have always felt lonely and isolated, but that doesn't usually hit me this hard. I've never felt so isolated and emotional, and pointless and worthless and demotivated for life as I do right now. I'm at the stage where the only reason I haven't ended my life is cos it would kill my grandma. She is ill as it is. I've even nearly thought it wouldn't matter as she is ill anyway, so my going wouldn't really matter.
I've recently had a mini-meltdown and told a circle of friends that I'm sick of begging for attention so I will leave them alone, and they should leave me alone. I thought that would be hurtful and I'd be sad, but I'm not. It just gives me the freedom to do what I want without any guilt. Another circle of friends are making me feel like doing similar with them, and if that happens, I will be totally isolated and friendless and the sad thing is that I think I want this.

got forced into accompanying her to watch A Star is Born last night.
Hmmm, better than I expected, although there's a lot of singing in it, and I prefer dialogue. But it has some uplifting bits, some sad bits, but overall, it just highlights 2 things 1) Lady Gaga looks better "au naturelle", and 2) Bradley Cooper is a very talented man and can sing.
Mason Mount/10

Mother - watched this as part of the UHD Halloween selection in SkyQ.
What a bizarre film. I couldn't for the life of me, work out what was going on or what would happen. Literally lay there last night trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.
Worth a watch.
Away point at Middlesbro/10

Hmmm... Hate to break it to you, well, two things really.
1, either you're colour blind or your camera is faulty
2, the breeder has ripped you off. This doggy is black.
Good news however, he looks like a good boy and his very handsome.

DCFC Fans is an unofficial fans forum. Derby County Football Club contributes towards covering the costs of operating this forum through the promotion of products or services provided by the Club or their preferred partners.Powered by Invision Community