Monday, December 29, 2008

Yesterday I was in a rotten mood. I tried to get over it all day and it finally changed at 4pm whilst doing the dishes..... Here is the story!

I have been in struggling in another bout of depression. I think this time its due to my crazy hormones ( period started) and the lack of exercise over this festive season. I need those endorphins!!! With being in a black mood, I tried to keep quiet and not let my tongue lose as it can be a bit acidic as my negative thoughts just want to fly straight out. Yesterday I felt that my thoughts and feelings were justified.

I was angry and resentful at my husband. It was the same old, same old. Why couldn't he ever help me in the kitchen with the dishes or "really help" me tidy up the house? The day before I thought I would just leave the house and leave the dishes and maybe the fairies would miraculously do them, or maybe my hubby would look around and say, "Gosh darling, this house is a pig sty, why don't you put your feet up whilst I do the tidying?". So I woke up to a huge mess, and a husband that wanted to watch the cricket. SA vs Australia in a 5 day test, and SA is now catching up fast and its super exciting......to those interested in Cricket. To me a 5 day test is exciting as watching the grass grow!!!

At 3pm I could not stand it any longer. The house was a bomb heap by now as the kids had gone through every room with a vengeance. Rob had gone to the shops, and I was left alone with it all. AGAIN!!!

So I started with the dishes, packing the dishwasher, and hand washing the rest! My mind kept going over the book I am reading called Love and Respect (will blog about that book.) Men want Respect and Woman want Love and I was thinking that I wouldn't mind a bit of respect either.

I was listening to a Chris Tomlin CD when his words came to life...

You and I were made to worshipYou and I are called to loveYou are I are forgiven and freeWhen you and I embrace surrenderWhen you and I chose to believeThen you and I will see who we were meant to be

Those words stopped me in my tracks. I know that I cant change my husband. I have tried and failed. Woman for centuries have tried.....and failed, yet I was still wanting to.When I heard the above words I realized that I can only change myself. Yes, I already know that, but I guess I had forgotten it. I am called to love. I am called to surrender my thoughts and feelings, both good and bad to Christ. NO, it doesn't mean that I am to allow myself to be a door mat, or allow myself to be taken advantage of ( boundaries are very important), but the person I am meant to be is not the resentful, bitter wife. So I chose there and then to surrender!

The moment I did I felt the burden instantly lift from me. I was free. Totally and utterly free of the resentment, bitterness and anger towards my hubby. Yes, I was still faced with dirty dishes, but that didn't matter any more.

I have a good few friends who are not Christians and struggle to understand that being a Christian is about about relationship with the Almighty. A loving Father that wants us to walk in this freedom. Its not about religion, its about relationship. Having my thoughts transformed again was incredibly humbling. I walk in gratitude today for the fact that I am walking in love with my husband because of Christ.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature stirred, not even a mouse! Well, that is not entirely true. Adam is wailing in his cot, and doesnt feel like sleeping yet, and Rob is watching cricket high lights on TV. Jordan, my sweet little Angel is fast asleep so Father Christmas can bring her, her pressies.

The presents were put in the fire place only now, for fear that Adam would rip them all open!! The milk and biscuits were also placed by the fire place for Father Christmas to eat and be merry later on. I am having such fun with Jordan experiencing her first real Christmas that she properly understands.

Jordan and I are going to go to Church tomorrow morning to say Happy Birthday to Jesus, and to sing Christmas Carols. The guys can hang out together and peel the potatoes for me. I am happy to say that all the prep work is done for the big day tomorrow and all I have to do is shove the Lamb in the oven in the morning!

I wish all of you a blessed Christmas. Let us not forget the "real" reason for celebrating, amongst all the fun of presents, crackers and a decent glass of bubbly.Enjoy tomorrow!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I have spent thousands of rands, I shudder to think how much, in the last 5 yrs of being ill with Chronic Fatigue.

Last month I tried yet another doctor, as I just never seem to improve. I have been to all sorts of holistic doctors, " normal GP's", each hoping that they have the magic pill. This new doctor treats you by looking at your blood.

With looking at a tiny drop of my blood under a microscope, she could tell so much about me. As she is a holistic doc, my husband was very sceptical. He had had quiet enough of this "hocus pocus" that I believe in.

I have spent the last three weeks drinking strange tea infusions like parsley and green bean, and eating mainly vegetables (with a little meat,I am not a vegetarian and would miss my chicken) and staying away from bread. I was also given some interesting tablets available at the health shop that I could barely pronounce.

Yesterday, I went for another finger prick. The difference was astounding. I was flawed.Gone was most of the uric crystals that make your body acidic, gone was most of the food particles ( meaning the GIT was absorbing like it should) and the little cells where swimming nicely as they should. What amazed me most was the walls of the little red blood cells where thicker and healthier and there where less "dying" cells.

I suppose the proof of the pudding is that I am not hopelessly exhausted. Tired all the time, yes, but exhausted NO.

Thank you Jesus! When I think of blood, I think of Christ on the Cross, shedding His blood for me. I now realise that I seriously need to watch what I eat. I had back-slidden badly, eating lots of wheat filled food, and having sugar again in my diet, and not sticking to a high fruit and veg diet. I am not a normal person, and thus cannot eat like a normal person can. I need to keep "my blood" healthy, in order to live the best life possible.We still have a long way to go, but I feel really positive now.

If anyone suffers from chronic fatigue, I would love to hear from you.

Jordan (3) and I planted some Marigold seeds earlier this week. We had such fun digging the little furrows, planting the seeds and watering them. We prayed for Jesus to turn these seeds into beautiful flowers to Glorify His name. (I am really trying to bring Christ into every day life with my kids.)Everyday so far we have gone to water them and pray over them.

On Thursday they started to sprout. Jordan was so excited and ran up to me saying "mommy mommy come look". Again we thanked Jesus. (Just in time as she got distracted and ran away!)

I love being in my garden, (not that I am very good at gardening!) It brings me such peace.I just want to thank God for His awesome hand in creation. Every where I turn their He is, and creation calls to Him.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Karen, when you search for water and their is none, and your tongue is parched from thirst, THEN, I the Lord will answer you.

I the God of Israel will open up rivers for you.I will give you fountains of water in the valley.I will fill the desert with water.

to confirm this He then lead me to Psalm 84 vs5

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,in whose heart are the highways to Zion. [2]6 As they go through the Valley of Bacathey make it a place of springs;the early rain also covers it with pools.7 They go from strength to strength;each one appears before God in Zion.

I looked up the word Baca. It is weeping,suffering or hardship

I know that I am meant to be in this desert. I know that the rain will come.

The difference now is my attitude. It doesn't matter any more, WHEN it will end. I know that it will, I stand firm on the word and I will be like that elephant and dig deeper into the dry river bed for water.

The road to contemplation is not one of achieving inner silence at all costs by following some technique that creates a kind of emptiness within. If, instead, with a childlike trust we let Christ pray silently within us, then one day we shall discover that the depths of our being is inhabited by His Presence.

I don't often get time to set aside an hour to do this, especially this time of the year, but my aim is to try set at least 1 silent slot per week to contemplate.

I am however big on meditation. This goes hand in hand with contemplation. I try meditate on a memory verse a week. I mull the scripture, chew it, repeat it over and over, until it sinks deep into my soul. I also like to read the scripture from different versions of the bible to try get the full meaning.

I then take this verse and offer it up as a prayer to God. And I try sing about it.

This weeks meditative verse is Is 9 vs 6 Unto us a child is born, unto us a saviour is given.....He will be called Wonderful, councillor, Prince of Peace, Everlasting Father.

Writing this about Jesus gives me such peace. He is my peace! Even in my desert He is my Everlasting Father.

Here is my heart I give it Lord to YouHere is my life I lay it before YouWhere else could I goAnd what else could I do, if I did not know you?

How deeply I need You my Lord

Like the desert needs the rain......I need YouLike the oceans need the streams.....I need YouLike the morning needs the sun..... I need You

Lord You are my only one(Darrell Evans)

This echo's my thoughts today.

When I realised God was leading me back into the desert I was angry.No I was more than angry, I was mad as hell and deeply upset.Why would He do this to me....again?Doesn't He know that I have been knocking and knocking on that door, only to get a glimpse of what lay behind it, and now its shut firmly. What kind of loving Father is He?And so on and so forth went my thoughts.

Then with the desert came the depression. Come on Lord, give me a break here please.And with the desert came the chronic fatigue again...and the pain.

Once again I pleaded, Lord give me a break....damn it.

You see, I had been in a beautiful place.A place where the joy of the Lord was bubbling within me 24/7I would wake up with a song on my lips and so I would then praise God from that song all day.I had also been in 24/7 "prayer streaming" mode with Him. We would talk and talk all day and I just basked in the Glow of the Lord....literally.I could not wait to read the word. Every page came alive for me.

In this phase I just drank deeply from the "well of life" and I loved living.

Now.....argh! The bible is a heavy weight of a book. Prayer is argh...completely dead to me. I have to force myself and remind myself to pray. Force myself to praise Him. My contemplative prayer is gone, as I just have no desire to meditate.

Something in me changed this week end as I pondered over this situation. I remembered the vision of the elephant recently and then the penny dropped! The light came on.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I emailed a good friend who lives in Australia a recent post of my blog. She said my son looks like cheeky. Yes,I think I agree on this, that he is going to be a cheeky bugger. Today we went to the shops and Adam went on a little mechanical toy pay ride. You know the type,that goes up and down,(a horse, a car etc)and they last about a minute or so. After the third ride we had to go. Boy oh boy did I see the biggest tantrum yet! These huge tears poured down his chubby cheeks. He tried to curl up in the little car ride and then hugged it. I had to peel him off. He then screamed bloody blue murder for about 5 minutes straight.

I deal with tantrums by ignoring them. Completely! However being in a shopping centre full of Christmas shoppers, this was no easy feat. After a minute or so of screaming, we had begun to attract a small audience.I am sure most of them thought "cant that woman just shut that kid up". I marched him to the ladies toilets, changed his nappy,(he was still screaming), only now it was being echoed through out the stalls, and popped him back into the shopping trolley.

Praise the Lord! My husband arrives. We swop children and head for the nearest exit. Alas no shopping was done today.

What did I learn today. Well I have been praying for patience recently. Today, He gave me the opportunity!! God has a funny sense of humour. Gotta love Him!!

I have been blogging for a while now and it has been a lonely road. A few days ago I decided to retype in Christian woman blogs, and hey presto, a site called Top 100 Christian blogs popped up. It was as if I had just walked into a treasure chest. Lots of really beautiful sites, rich in Christ and full of experience where unveiled to me. What a joy!

Lord you are so good to me. Thank you for the little blessings you shower me with. Teach me to open my eyes to see more of your gifts you have in store for me. Help me to walk this road with my head up, and not looking at my feet.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Jordan is 3 and a half years old and is now old enough to understand Christmas. It is such a joy to me to see how she plays baby Jesus in the manger with her dolls. Her 3 teddy bears are the cow,lamb and donkey that watch over baby Jesus and Mary. She tried to get Adam to lie in her toy basket as Jesus, but he just gets up and waddles off!! She and I must then sing "away in a manger", "we three kings", and "twinkle twinkle little star". This "rehearsal" for the big day has been going on since early November.

Rob and I decided that we where not going to go big on the presents. We have got them a few nick nacks from Father Christmas, an educational game to teach Jordan to tell the time and some new clothes as she has sprouted, so a few items we added to the list and that is that.

I made the error of getting Advent calendars! These where hand made with little pockets that you pop a sweet into. The second day we had them, a third of the sweeties where gone. A little mouse had neatly eaten the sweets and replaced the wrappers in the pockets. We had to have a little chat about "obedience" after that.

She learnt a little song from school that had me in stitches when I heard it. It goes like this:Father ChristmasFather ChristmasHe got stuckHe got stuckComing down the chimneyComing down the chimneyWHAT BAD LUCK!!

We went to the beach this morning.It was great. Spending time with the family, frolicking in the waves and making sure the baboons didn't eat our picnic was all part of the fun

I looked at my family and realised how blessed I am. I don't often think about this. I take my family for granted a lot, but today I realised how great we are as a family. I thank God for this.

Last night I was in a really foul mood with my husband.I felt unloved, mistreated and ignored. Today I saw that none of this is true! I am very much loved, but I think we just need to communicate more. I dusted off my book Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus, and will re-read it as this book is an excellent guide to understanding Martians.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I have had a very rough two weeks. My fatigue has been incredibly bad, and I would link that to the stress that I am going through with work. We have had some restructuring of our business and it has been very hard emotionally on me.

I have a little prayer card that I wrote down from Col 3 15-17.

Let the peace of Christ rule in my heart. Let the word of Christ dwell richly in me.

And in whatever I do, in word or deed, I will try do it all in the name of Jesus.

I have not tried to dwell on the issue to much, but being right in the situation, I have had no peace. Time and time I have handed this over to the Lord, but I can honestly say I have not stepped back enough to give it completely over to Him. The crux of the matter is I honestly don't know how to do this.

Why can I totally hand some issues over and others, I dont know how to step away from them?

Its not a trust issue here, but I think perhaps a personality one.Why do I allow myself to get so worked up and upset?

From today I am going to say "Father,I chose to hand today over to you. Teach me to walk in peace through this period."

I took these two pictures on holiday. They are very peaceful. Just looking at them reminds me that our creator made all. How big our God is, and how little my problems are.God, you are wonderful, loving, merciful, good, just,and kind. Thank you for your patience with me.Your loving daughterKaren