Chocolate Almond Bark

I’m all about making candy people sell for a lot of money at a much lower cost. It’s easy and very doable on short notice. That’s my favorite kind of treat!

For years, I’ve been a chocolate bark addict. It’s even deadlier when you fill it with almonds. Hey, you need your protein! This is practically a health food, y’all. I’m sure Gwyneth would approve. Not that I need her approval, or want it.

I used to be a huge Gwyneth Paltrow fan. She made this movie called Sliding Doors about a woman who lives through two different life scenarios, all starting when one version of her makes a train while the other version misses it. I friggin’ love that movie. If you haven’t seen it, add it to whatever list you keep on hand. It was made quite some time ago, back when Gwyneth was acting instead of telling real women that her life is much harder than theirs.

Sorry if I’m sounding a little nasty, but I still find it hard to believe that a celebrity with endless help and resources actually tried to one-up mothers in this country by stating that her life is more complex and difficult to manage. First of all, I doubt that’s true. But even if her existence is really fraught with more challenges than mine or anyone else’s, I know for a fact that she’s being paid a lot more for the trouble.

That aside, I’m not sure where anyone gets off playing the my-life-is-harder-than-your-life game. Whatever people see out there in the world isn’t really what’s happening behind closed doors. A lot of people look like they have perfect lives with everything together, but people struggle privately. Nobody can really say for certain what it’s like to be somebody else.

I once had a teacher who told us that there was a study in which people were told to write down their troubles on a piece of paper and put it on a table in front of the other participants. Then, they were told they could pick out a new list of problems from the table, any list at all that someone else had created. Every single person took her own paper back.

You see, we all have our problems, but we’re used to them, and we also fear the unknown. We also have no business borrowing trouble. So, Gwyneth Paltrow, get back to making movies I like and stop with all the lifestyle stuff. I don’t want to hear about why it’s tougher to be you. It’s just not cool.

What is totally cool is making this bark. If I’m pretending to be a lifestyle guru for point two seconds, I’ll suggest that this makes a great gift for a fraction of the cost of any other purchased gourmet food gift. That should be motivation enough to get you going.

The key to making good chocolate bark is to remember a few things. Rule number one: use a good-quality chocolate. I like to buy the nicer baking chocolate bars in the grocery store. Rule number two: instead of sprinkling the almonds on top, mix them into the melted chocolate before pouring it onto your surface to set. Rule number three: don’t spread the melted chocolate too thin. You want a nice, thick bark. And finally, if you don’t have a silicone baking mat, use parchment paper. Otherwise, you could be dealing with a sticky mess at the end.

If you want to have a really good evening, make this bark and eat it along with a viewing of Sliding Doors. I want to love Gwyneth again, I really do. And the best way for us to be friends again us for me to remember what a good actress she can be. Then nobody has to compare her life with anyone else’s to come out on top. That’s a dangerous game, my friends!

Line a cookie sheet with a silicone baking mat or parchment paper. Set aside.

Chop the chocolate into small chunks. Place in a microwave-safe bowl.

Heat the chocolate for two minutes. Stir until smooth. If not melted, heat an additional 20 seconds and stir again.

Mix in the almonds.

Pour the melted chocolate onto the prepared baking sheet. Spread out the chocolate into a rectangle about 1/2 inch thick. If you like to go thicker, that's fine. Just don't make the chocolate any thinner.

Place the bark in the refrigerator for 30-45 minutes until set.

Using a sharp knife, cut into squares or, if preferred, break into jagged edges.

Store in an airtight container. If you're in a hot or humid environment, store chilled.

I fulfill many roles in life: wife, mother, teacher, everlasting learner.
This site is dedicated to one role that expresses my creativity in ways that I find consistently challenging and rewarding: baker.
Inventing new ways to enhance food, especially if that food involves chocolate or peanut butter (or both!), is a passion of mine. I look forward to sharing my ideas with you.

As in, your limbs just get heavier. You’re exhausted. You think about people who sleep later in the morning and you feel nothing but intense envy.

It’s the beginning of the school year. I’ll adjust. In the meantime, when I finally drop into bed, I’m sleeping very well. And I’m also rediscovering the joy of candy to keep me going during those conscious hours!

I had to, everyone. It’s the end of the week. I’ve been baking with fruit all week. Now it’s time for peanut butter and chocolate to make a comeback!

You know that I can’t go more than a week or so without doing something PB-related. It’s the ABCs of me, baby, and I’ve embraced it. Just like I’ve embraced the role of sugar in my life. More on that in a bit.

If you get frustrated because your peanut butter ice cream isn’t peanut buttery enough, or because it doesn’t include enough mix-ins, look no further. This no-churn option will satisfy all of your frozen peanut butter dreams!

Sometimes I don’t have to do any thinking. The wonderful food manufacturers do it for me. And I love them for it!

This past Sunday, I was embroiled in our weekly grocery trip. Translation: I was hoisting my 2 year-old on one hip, dragging my 4 year-old by the hand through the aisles, and snapping at my 6 year-old to stop touching everything he saw. That’s why I prefer to shop alone, but whatever. It’s usually not an option.

This Post Has 26 Comments

Ugh the I-have-it-worse syndrome is the worst to deal with! Everyone has it rough, and even if there are people struggling elsewhere, it doesn’t negate anyone’s own issues. Preach 🙂 I love making my own confections, not only because it’s cheaper, but most candy and chocolate aren’t vegan-friendly!Medha @ Whisk & Shout recently posted…Vegan Peach Galette with Coconut Pastry

Making bark is one of my favorites because it’s so easy to make and fun to experiment with different toppings! Love this almond version, Mir!Gayle @ Pumpkin ‘N Spice recently posted…Salted Caramel Peanut Butter Popcorn

I am not a fan of Gwyneth either. I think her blog is rather snobby and looks down on other people.
What I am a fan of, is this. I like that you say it is practically a health food because of the protein from the almonds 😉Dannii @ Hungry Healthy Happy recently posted…Comment on Summer Ribbon Salad by Dannii

I love that you found a way to make chocolate a health food – that’s my kind of snack! Almond bark is one of my favourite things ever, as is making candy that I love so easily!Stacey @ Bake.Eat.Repeat. recently posted…Two Bite Brownies

Mir, I honestly never thought Gwyneth was a great actress .. but I guess she did win Best Actress one year. . I don’t even remember for what movie? anyway, I heard about all this but was this in an interview or an article online? I love that exercise your teacher told you about. That’s so true huh? You don’t want your own problems but you also don’t want other people’s problems either. . I think this is where this chocolate almond bark comes in. . we need chocolate. To cope. Plus chocolate just makes everything better 🙂 love your tips!Alice @ Hip Foodie Mom recently posted…Barbecue Pulled Chicken Salad

So it was an interview, and she basically came straight out and said how hard her life was compared to working moms in America. Beyond belief. It’s been a while, but I still get mad whenever I think about it. And I love that exercise, too. I need my problems to make me stronger!

Haha, Gwenyth Paltrow turned me off after her statements as well, and I’m not even a Mom!
I do love this bark, I love eating the stuff all the time and I’m so glad you created a diy recipe! 🙂Sam @ SugarSpunRun recently posted…Raspberry White Chocolate Dessert Pizza & Good News

Chocolate bark is my absolute weakness! I love making it at home, and almonds are the perfect addition – I love throwing in some raisins as well because I’ve always enjoyed the fruit and nut combo! I’m going to have to go and make some chocolate bark now! Thank you for the inspiration Mir!Harriet Emily recently posted…DESSERT FOR ONE: CARROT CUPCAKE

You are WAY cooler than Gwyneth for sure! And THIS bark. Why have I not thought about making it before? I am running out this weekend for some chocolate and almonds. ;-DMichele @ Alwayzbakin recently posted…Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream Cupcakes

For reals, people swing on the woe is me mentality so much. It really doesn’t accomplish anything, yet we keep doing it! Only you can make me think deeply and crave almonds like ceraaaaazy, I love it. This bark blows gourmet stuff out of the water and is so nice and simple!Mary Frances recently posted…Coca Cola Mug Cake {and dry mix recipe!}