Right you crazy arrsers. Today I had my brother in laws funeral to attend to.

There was a coffin, and the usual malarky.

Within 5 mins of entering the crem' a lady walks up to the priest and says "Trish says that I need to be by the front" and a row of the other side of the family get moved a row back. Fair enough.....couldn't care less.

Halfway through the proceedings an old bird in purple velvet walks up to the coffin and places a ribbon thing on the casket next to his riding helmet, and gloves. Although none of us know who she was!

So...we've had a good drink, and a good laugh and come up with the idea of the funeral Grand Prix.

So far we have come up with some basic scoring rules.

front pew - 10 points (-1 point going backwards for each row)

tissues used (snot value) - 1 point for each tissue used

Singing - the priest was as usefull at singing as Mirah Hindley was to babysiting - so any song in tune must be worth 5 pnts

Misc - any "tribute" on coffin worth 5 points

Bluffing as a Pall bearer worth 10 points

Puking during service must be wort at least 2 points, depending on who you puke over.

If the attendee's gasp in horror - 15 pts
If they laugh out loud - 25pts

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John Cleese got a few points for the early part of an eulogy -

Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more.

He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky. And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence, should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun.

Well, I feel that I should say: nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries.

etc etc

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Even the family had to wipe away tears of laughter. Michael Palin also spoke and said that he liked to think that Chapman was there with them all that day â "or rather, he will be in about twenty-five minutes," a joke in reference to Chapman's habitual lateness when they were all working together.