just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Lamenting to God

This is directed to God but in a way it can be read.

O God, i am more than thankful how the shock procedure cured the abnormal beating of my heart. So many prayers from people,even people i do not know. I cannot express the gratitude enough!!!! I have so many wonderings in my heart though God. You are Almighty and Father of all creation. Jesus is King of Kings and Lord of Lords. All is under your control as it ever has been since the Beginning. I know and believe You are exactly who You declare yourself to be in Your Word Holy Father, why then have i struggled in mind,heart and action to live it out??? I have sought to pursue Jesus and imitate Him in living life, but have gone down deadends and wrong ways so much over and over again. You have much mystery and i can't imagine how it would be if You didn't. I seek after answers or fixes that just are not going to be given by You in the way i want them and i wonder ....why do I persist????

You know me completely, inside and out. You know my feelings of frustration over all the times I have felt inadequate to act as I should. How i have felt like I was weaker than a boy or man should be and failed to live up to what i thought my fathers expectations would be of me if he had lived. I don't have an answer for why I have let fear and lack of confidence in myself be a constant issue Father God. I know i want to leave it with You and learn what i am to do, You know how it goes round and round my head.

You know how sex became an issue Dear God. A fantasyland where feelings of insecurity and unattractiveness, immaturity and pain of rejection get magically swept away. No wonder sexual issues have beguiled us for ages o God considering the allure they make but never satisfy. Guilt and shame over struggling with such an issue which is so blatantly wrong and socially disapproved weighs on the heart, somehow even after having confessed and been given forgiveness. The addictive nature of it is what keeps the guilt and shame as You know O God. Cannot complete and total turning in repentance happen??? Wanting so badly to be one who serves You and wants to live loving others makes it that much worse when the giving in happens yet again.

Thank You for always being present and wantin gto hear me God. i pray You will lead me to take in Your love and grace as You desire for me too, so i can rest in You as i did while You healed my heart through the doctors skill. Amen.

I wrote this in this way to share my self in a transparent way and one which some may identify with. God is good and remains so no matter what i am struggling with. Just good to share it as the Psalmists did. Hope to hear thoughts from any who choose to share.