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Sunday, November 27, 2011

New Goals

Remember like 2 years ago when I decided to make February Operation Pudge-be-Gone? And how I was skinny for like a month? I'm not going to do that again. Mostly because I am hungry like all the time and can't imagine my life without ice cream and kind of don't care as much anymore about being all skinny.

(the lies i tell myself)

So since I got 2 whole comments on my post about Breaking Dawn Part I and the bullshit mind-fuck that these books are doing to our youths (don't even get me started on the Oprah mind-fuck), I feel like the people want to hear more from me. (no they don't) So I'm going to make my December goal to post a little something. SOMETHING ANYTHING. Everyday. Just of December. But at least then I will have written something. Probably a whole bunch of bullshit. Or like crying about how I totally wish that the British waiter would get his shit together and realize that I am goddamn amazing. (he will not ever get his shit together and realize that I am goddamn amazing) Or maybe I will be struck by the holiday spirit and post something positive everyday.

Please stop laughing.

Guess what I'm doing tonight. A cleanse. Or a detox. Something for my kidneys. You see, I don't have to detox from massive quantities of drugs and alcohol anymore. But my facialist or aethetician (how do you even spell that?) was like "you have some residual stuff that you're still trying to get rid of drink all of this tea" and I was like "okay, whatever you say you're the boss". But the truth is that it's probably because I still sometimes eat like shit (Anna's Taqueria!) and I am so shallow that I freak out when I have like 3 little zits on my cheeks. So this stuff has a warning on it that maybe I will get diarrhea. So in a roundabout way, it's kind of like Operation Pudge be Gone again because I might lose a ton of weight due to shitting my brains out.

So I'll let you know on December 1 how that goes. Or maybe sooner. Who knows. I'll probably write about how rad Thanksgiving was. Best Thanksgiving Ever.

But for now...I gotta do more work (yes I work at 11:00 on Sunday nights) and go to bed.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Sleeeeeeeeeepy.

So. I keep being like "I should write some stuff down I keep having these deeeeeeep thoughts" and then I forget them or I get too busy doing other stuff or whatever. Earlier today, on my way to Charlestown I was walking from the Green Line to the Orange line at Park Street and thought about how poetic felt. I've been jamming on Junip this weekend and kind of bopped through the corridor.

Recently I've been really torn. Like I am fully aware of my singledom. And am generally perfectly fine and content with it. But the holidays do weird things to you. Especially when I realized that I have not had a date in a year. Yes, a FULL YEAR. That is a long goddamn time. Especially especially when that last date was a single date. Not like a string of dates. One. Since like 9 months prior to that.

Now, I know what you're thinking....go online. No. I absolutely refuse to do online dating. Oh, you weren't thinking that? You were thinking that I should just shut the hell up? Probably. But I have to be honest with myself that it would be nice. It's been so long since I've actually been interested in and it's gone somewhere. Yeah, there have been a couple crushes lately but no reciprocation. How? I don't know. Who doesn't want a fat ballerina with cats who answers work emails at 11 o'clock on a Saturday night? Now I'm just whiney. Like that ridiculous movie I was tricked into seeing tonight...Breaking Dawn.

Have you seen this? It's awful. And it would be so awful in that way that's kind of awesome. But as soon as the Pro-Life propaganda started I tuned it all out completely. Awful. Total bullshit. We're all allowed our own opinions. But you see, a lot of 19-year-olds are going to start thinking that getting knocked up is a great idea. Mark my words....teen pregnancy is going to go through the roof. (please teens prove me wrong but when i'm not do not expect sympathy)

So anyway, I'm sitting in this movie, growing anger and plotting the take-down of the Twilight empire because it is CLEARLY WRONG. Just like how Oprah and her little pal, Dr. Phil, will someday see their demise on my watch. But then I realize that these things are really not helping me out in the date department.

Back on track...I've been finishing about a book/week lately. Just finished "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs. Wowzers. It's awesome. Speaking of awesome, I have clean sheets on my bed and a new book calling my name and I am all worn out from feeling combative toward tween movies. I'm never getting another date again.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Music Will Bring Us Together

With a heavy heart I write having learned on Friday that a friend died the day before. The obituary says that he passed but ever since reading that one passage in The World According to Garp, I've hesitate to use the phrase passed away. Neil died. Or at least his body did. His profound effect on others will be with us for as long as his goofy smile stays burned on our brains.

We weren't best friends. We hadn't talked in over a year. But it still hurts my heart to know that there is one less generous soul among us. So many people weren't afforded that feeling that you are special when you opened his door and saw his face. He truly made you feel special. The only solace in the situation is the gratitude I feel from having had the experience and hoping that from his example we can project that feeling on to others.

This never gets any easier. This death thing. But it's not going away. And is one of the risks you face when you are fortunate enough to have the opportunity to love people. Because they love you back. No matter what. Even if someone stops loving you, or you stop loving them because of death or any other reason. There will always be love between you. Nothing can ever take that away. And if you're grateful for it, passing it on is how to keep that love alive inside of you and allow someone else to love you too.

Tonight I made a condolence call. The wake and funeral are in Chicago. I'm in Boston. But I called Megan, a wonderful woman I met through Neil, to offer a sorry and let her know I'm thinking of her. Like Neil, she and I hadn't talked in a while. I expected to leave a message but she picked up. And it was amazing to hear her sweet voice. We got to make a quick catch up and promised to talk tomorrow. And at the end we naturally exchanged I love yous. Like we always had. Since the night I met the two of them at the SummerDance Fest on a hot Wednesday night in Grant Park howevermany years ago. You don't get to make that sort of connection with people everyday.

But that won't stop me from trying. Just like Neil did.

He is already missed. And will be for a long time. I am forever grateful for all he has done and what he still will do, even if he couldn't be here with us physically anymore.