Sunday, November 17, 2013

Please don’t, Sarah begged. I can’t. I can’t have another day like this. This song. These lyrics. This isn’t my life. This won’t be my life.

“All the folks around Brownsville, say she’s crazy…”

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I’m not crazy. And I’ve never been to Brownsville. I just forgot to take my medicine and when I forget to take my medicine I start to see things, and when I start to see things, life gets cloudy…

…cloudy.

Sarah knew that she could take her medicine now, and she did. She also knew that it wouldn’t help. She had passed that window where her thoughts would be cleared up by taking anything. She was going to have to ride this “crazy train” – as she called it – until the last bell whistled.
The crazy train came with a soundtrack.

“In her younger days they called her ‘Delta Dawn’…”

In my younger days I was called Sarah Sunshine. ‘Sarah Sunshine’ had a smile that would light up a room. That’s what Mom always said, anyway. My smile was written about on report cards in elementary school and discussed at length between class mothers. “That Sarah,” they would say, “She must be the happiest child I’ve ever seen in my life.” “Sarah is always ready with a smile,” the teachers’ comments would read.

Sarah Sunshine.

My Mom stopped asking years ago whatever happened to Sarah Sunshine. It’s easier not to talk about these things.

“Prettiest woman you ever laid eyes on…”

Sarah Sunshine grew up to be Sarah Venable.

Back then, I certainly didn’t consider myself pretty.
When I look at those pictures though, I see why I had a lot of boys sniffing around my door. I see now how a simple glance thrown over my shoulder, might have made a man think it was an invitation to discuss the finer points of…well, whatever he wanted to discuss. I see through the eyes of Sarah Venable, looking at ‘Sarah Sunshine’. That girl still lit up the room, even when she tried to kill her light.

“Then a man of low degree stood by her side…”

Why does the damn song always have to go dark? Can’t it just stay positive?

Sarah was lying down now, and still riding the crazy train. She hated this particular stop. This stop always turned sour and dark; giving off the stench of a windowless room that hadn’t been opened for decades, and was leaking ancient water. Next stop: Goodbye Sunshine Town.

I didn’t fall for a low-down scoundrel. I fell for a man with a smile. I fell for a man who could light up a room just by the thought that he might be there. I fell for a man who was everything Sarah Sunshine wanted, and everything Sarah Venable received.

Matthew was a man that pleased everyone. This, of course, is an extremely polite way of saying that he wore many faces. There was always a difference between Sarah Sunshine, who seemed to exude light, and Matthew, who directed his light directly through you. Sarah Sunshine fell for the light, like a moth to a flame. It was too late before Sarah Venable realized the mistake.

“And promised her he'd take her for his bride…”

Sarah Sunshine didn’t realize her wings had been singed until it was much too late. A ring on her finger and a faraway look in her eye, she carried on. Captivated by Matthew’s light and hypnotized by his sheer force, she was entranced.

Good things happened, and bad things happened. I can’t say I’m unique. I can say that the blinding spotlight of Matthew killed Sarah Sunshine. More like evaporated her entire existence. Sarah Sunshine ceased to exist. In a world owned by Magnificent Matthew, Sarah Sunshine became obsolete.

“Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on…”

I’m not wearing any damn flower. Any my name is Sarah. Sarah Venable. I’m an adult woman who is just having a rough day. There’s no flower. There’s no need for a flower. I’m Sarah Venable. Sarah Sunshine wore the flowers.

“Could it be a faded rose from days gone by?...”

My flowers from days gone by are dead and buried, don’t you hear? Don't you listen? I don’t wear any flowers, I don’t own any flowers, and there are certainly no faded flowers around me.

Sarah was itching in bed, knowing the crazy train was taking her for its ride, but unable to control her emotion. Was she the flower that was pined for? Was Sarah Sunshine her flower? Had she let herself fade and die?

“And did I hear you say he was meeting you here today…”
I’m not meeting anyone at any time, ever! I’m gone. Sarah Sunshine is gone. He’s gone. The train station is full of people waiting for other people. If they’re riding the same train I’m on, they’re in for one hell of a ride.

Sarah beat on the windows to warn the passengers not to board the train, but no one listened. They never do. They boarded one by one, but never appeared.

“To take you to his mansion in the sky?...”

The train rolled itself forward from the platform, and began its climb upwards into the mountains ; a steep climb that seemed to go on to the clouds. Sarah was happy the journey was nearing its end.

I know that this is nothing but a dream. A dream in which I have no control, but one I must ride. I know that much is true. I know that life is what you chose, and so I make my choice.

Sarah Sunshine rode the train to the mansion in the sky until the tracks were no longer visible