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I imagine this has been asked before so I apologize if it's repetitive.

If your WS agreed to a poly, how many questions were you able to ask? I understand that a typical poly covers 8-10 questions.

What were the questions?

As a BS, was it helpful to you? Are you glad the WS did it?

Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013

somanyyears♂ 26970Member # 26970

Posted: 3:37 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013

.. I only wish i had asked for a poly 25 years ago and got to the truth back then.

..instead, i accepted what she told me, but in 2009, after a vivid dream where the bf om said to me that I didn't know the whole truth, did my WW reveal the whole truth..

.. that it wasn't just 2 years of giving bj's but instead, it was really 18 years , including a whole year of them while she was my gf, then more over 15 years of marriage..

..so, hell ya, wish i'd have asked for the poly way back then!!!

as for what questions to ask.. i'd have wanted hundreds, since their betrayal had lasted for almost the entire friendship..

..hope you can get ALL the TRUTH, the first time..

keep well

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 70
Her 66
Married 45 yrs (together 49)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer.
. died from a brain tumor@57

Posts: 4908 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario Canada

OldCow18♀ 39670Member # 39670

Posted: 3:47 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013

At the moment I am deciding if we should move on to R. One of the conditions for that will be a polygraph. I researched it and got some info from the guy. I believe I can ask 5 questions, he will ask more to establish WH's responses when telling the truth. I will not bother with the poly if I don't choose to R, but I have been thinking of some questions. I haven't fine tuned them...the guy said he would help formulate the questions to make sure they cover all bases. Basically at this point I want the truth about the following:

1. Did the affair continue in any way shape or form after 6.8.13
2. Were there any affairs/inappropriate behavior prior to OW.
3. Does OW's BH know the full extent of what happened?
4. Was your full disclosure 100% truthful.

OldCow18, personally, I wouldn't waste a question on asking about the OW's BH. Does that really matter to you?

When questions are limited, I think we really have to nail them with what is vitally important.

Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013

OldCow18♀ 39670Member # 39670

Posted: 4:06 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013

It matters to me because he has maintained the same story for 5 months and I don't believe him. I fear that the story I've been told has been concocted between the 2 of them to keep me from contacting him (long story). So, for me, if it's not true I would feel even more betrayed at the continued lie/protection of her/etc., if that is even possible.

Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013

sodamnlost♀ 37190Member # 37190

Posted: 5:12 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013

I think I was allowed 5 questions. I asked something along the lines of these (the wording was specific since the answers have to be yes/no but you get the idea)

-any AP's I don't know of
-any additional sexual encounters I don't know about with OW
-any looking online for another AP since Dday
-any contact with OW since Dday

My WH passed - it said he was telling the truth on every question. He actually lied. Several months after the poly he admitted to me about a ONS with a different AP.

Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce Fall 2016

Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an

Posts: 772 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Out of the ashes

LonelySilhouette♀ 39502Member # 39502

Posted: 8:56 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013

I realize I posted this a few weeks ago. Kind of surprised at the lack of response since so many jump to the recommendation of a polygraph very quickly.

My WH agreed to one. I was grateful but not entirely sure we'll proceed.

I mentioned it in therapy. She seemed kind of surprised. Then my WH said that although he's agreeable to it, he worries it will never end. He says ok, I get the polygraph and that's not good enough, she'll find someone to administer truth serum and that won't be good enough, she'll be looking for someone to shove bamboo shoots under my nails and then maybe some water torture, etc. All good suggestions - thanks WH. ;-)

Maybe it won't be good enough. Maybe nothing is. Maybe there does just come a time when one has to decide to accept what has been given or not.

Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013

OldCow18♀ 39670Member # 39670

Posted: 9:10 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013

Maybe it won't be good enough. Maybe nothing is. Maybe there does just come a time when one has to decide to accept what has been given or not.

This.

I am still on the fence about the polygraph. First of all, I don't want to shell out $400 if I don't plan to stay in this marriage. But then, if I DO decide to stay in this marriage, and then he fails, I have to get out of the marriage...and I'll be honest, I don't have much faith that he would pass...so then why stay? So then I think if he DOES pass we can move forward, but again, what if he fails. Vicious cycle of thoughts. And like you said, even if he does pass, would that even be good enough or would I convince myself that pathological liars can pass polygraphs. It's all so complicated.

I'm still deciding whether or not to do it. I talked to my C about it last week, and she said kind of the same thing...will it be enough? If he passes, I will think he got lucky. If he fails...what will I do? Is it a deal breaker? Does it change things from right now?

Sometimes I, too, think we just have to take everything at face value, which SUCKS!!!!

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013

TennisTC♀ 41330Member # 41330

Posted: 10:07 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013

Lonely, I was keeping a close eye on this post because I too have the same question. At first after DDay, my H's story just wasn't adding up. Three months later after beginning IC he admitted that he did kiss the OW. Over the next six months, I interrogated my H relentlessly about any details that were not adding up. I know that's not exactly how you're supposed to do it, but my H isn't a great liar - not for lack of practice during the A, so if I repeatedly hammered away he would inevitably slip up if he was lying.

I think most people would think if my H admitted to a kiss, then there was probably a lot more that went on. I definitely thought that at one time, and every once and awhile there is the thought in the back of my head wondering if I'm being an idiot. After he admitted the kiss I told him that I wanted a polygraph and he agreed without hesitation. When I brought up the fact that it pissed me off that funds from our joint account would be used, he offered to sell some of his workout equipment or golf clubs. I kind of dropped the subject for a few months, but anytime I waiver on if I have the full truth he says that he is willing and ready to do the polygraph so I can have the peace of mind. He's even researched the providers in our area, and gave me a list of names and numbers.

In my gut I feel like I have the truth. And when I really listen to it, I have found that I am pretty accurate in telling whether or not he is lying or obfuscating the truth. So based on that I think the polygraph is unnecessary. But then reading what others hear to say about regretting not doing it, makes me wonder if I should just go ahead and do the test anyway???