Keeping Up With the Joneses

Here’s the thing with back-to-school shopping: You are guaranteed to spend money. Last year, the National Retail Federation found that families spent an average of $604 for folders, sneakers and other purchases for the new school year.

Any parent can tell you that every dollar you have to spend can be a dollar over which you argue with your child. Whether the fight is about what you can afford, what you choose to buy or whether you think that princess-Barbie-fairy pencil case is not worth the 75 cent premium, there are countless opportunities for differences of opinion—and personal growth, says Denise Schipani, author of Mean Moms Rule: Why Doing the Hard Stuff Now Creates Good Kids Later($11.18 at Books-A-Million).Schipani urges parents to see these experiences as opportunities. “You have to deal with it, even if you don’t feel like having the conversation, or you have money in your wallet but don’t want to buy something. Otherwise, you’re missing a teachable moment.”

Here, we get tips from three experts and moms (same difference) on how to manage this mini–shopping spree/war.

The conflict: We can’t afford it.

“Don’t be afraid to tell kids that you can’t afford something,” says Schipani, who lives in Huntington, New York, with her husband and sons ages 7 and 9. “A lot of parents try to shield their kids, but this is part of their financial education.”

Don’t say this: “Look, these Payless shoes are just as cute as the others, and they light up, too!”

Say this: “Sweetheart, I know you want that backpack, but Mommy and Daddy can’t afford that right now. We can afford this similar one.”

A smart shopping lesson: To teach budgeting, give the kids a gift card for back-to-school clothes. When they’re tempted to blow it all on a few brand-name items, point out how their budget will be stretched further at less-expensive stores.

The conflict: It does not reflect our values.

Stephanie Gass Blee of Livingston, New Jersey, says that she has had to steel both herself and her family in the face of her affluent community’s consumer-oriented mores. “I can certainly afford to go out and buy them whatever they want,” says the mom of a 17-year-old daughter and 14-year-old son. “But we try to instill in them good values and to be happy with what they have.”

Blee doesn’t cave to brand-name pressure. “I can certainly afford Mead notebooks, but I buy Staples brand,” Blee says. “Mead may have better colors, but Staples is half the price.”

Don’t say this: “I really don’t care about Madison’s Abercrombie jean collection. Her parents buy her whatever she wants because they feel guilty for working all the time.”

Say this: “In our family, we carefully think through how we spend our money, and brand-name clothes are just not in line with those values.”

A smart shopping lesson: Blee agrees to buy new school supplies in August. When those run out, her kids are required to go diving for folders and markers in drawers full of unused goods left over from school years past.

Another one: Blee’s teenage son is not picky about apparel, but he does crave a new pair of Air Jordan basketball shoes each fall—at $100 a pop. “That is a bone of contention with my husband,” Blee says of the high price. The family compromises. The parents pay $80 toward the sneakers, and anything higher than that is the responsibility of the child.

The conflict: I think it’s a waste of money.

Leah Ingram, the author of Suddenly Frugal: How to Live Happier and Healthier for Less($11.47 at Books-A-Million),says that she and her husband are pretty permissive about the tastes of their daughters, ages 14 and 16. “I’ve found that the best way to rein in their spending and help them learn to make good shopping decisions is to give them control of the money,” says Ingram, who blogs from New Hope, Pennsylvania, at Suddenly Frugal.

Don’t say this: “I’m sorry, but those Avengers pencils are a waste of money.”

Say this: “I will buy the cheapest version of everything on your school supply list. If you want a special thing, you must buy it with your own money.”

A smart shopping lesson: Ingram gives each daughter a gift card with a certain sum but suggests they only buy a few clothing items before school starts. “They can finish their shopping a few weeks after school starts so they can see what other kids are wearing,” Ingram says. This allows her children to decide if they want to shop to fit in or set themselves apart. “Plus, by then, things are always marked down after school starts, so they save money.”