Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Blazing a Trail

For a candidate whose party funds are low, particularly on the morning after dollar beer/quarter lap dance night at the Lucky Horseshoe, Dolores has been covering an awful lot of ground on her campaign tour.

Ajax, Ontario, Canada

Canadians won't be voting for the next president of the United States, but Dolores took advantage of a Netsaver fare to spread international goodwill on behalf of the party. "I just adore Canadians," she said during a roadside address to a crowd of three at a busy crossing in Ajax. "You're industrious, you're polite, you appreciate good wool and you put beer on your breakfast cereal. What's not to love?"

Sacramento, California

A loyal Fibertarian in the California capital snagged this shot of the candidate's motorcade as she prepared to tour the city and curry favor with the natives by tossing handfuls of Pall Mall cigarettes into the throng.

Indianapolis, Indiana

When Dolores paid a surprise call on a typical American family in the heart of the Heartland, their excitement was overwhelming.

Hong Kong, China

Understanding full well that China's emerging power is a force to be reckoned with, Dolores visited the nerve center of the country's economy. "If I were an American," said a local official, "this is the candidate I would support. She is head and shoulders above the crowd."

Sioux City, Iowa

Even her opponents admit that Dolores knows her way around the legal system. In Sioux City, she playfully ruled on several cases at the federal courthouse before the marshal managed to chew through the ropes and spoil the fun.

Cologne, Minnesota

During a visit to this charming corner of Minnesota, Dolores partied with her power base at Whistling Winds Farm.

Chicago, Illinois

During a whistle stop in her home city, Dolores garnered the endorsement of the powerful Future Knitters of America lobby.

Jacksonville, Florida

Although securing of world peace is way up there on the candidate's to-do list, she was proud to pose with this symbol of American military preparedness. "I want our men and women in uniform to know I am right behind them," said she said. "And I'm willing to get on top of them, too, if that's what they'd prefer."

Mountain Park, Georgia

When it comes to supporting environmentalism, even Al Gore has nothing on Dolores. Here, she communes with nature in one of Georgia's garden spots. "I take great pride," she said, "in noting that I, myself, am at least 80% biodegradable. Top that, McCain."

Tallahassee, Florida

At Really Knit Stuff, Dolores revealed her vision of the Local Yarn Store as the new backbone of America's economy. "In the nation we will create," she wrote, "there will be yarn on every corner, and a skein in every dye pot."

Austin, Texas

At Fibertarian Party stronghold The Knitting Nest, all stops were pulled out for a massive rally and all-night square dance. "Austin," said Dolores, "is the place I visit when I want to feel normal."

The University of Maine at Orono

The first of Dolores's many stadium appearances took place on the verdant grounds of the University of Maine at Orono. "I have a dream," said the candidate, gazing down upon the sea of eager students. "I have a dream, and you are part of it. At least, those of you who are at least 18 years of age are part of it. Eighteen is legal in Maine, right? Or is it sixteen?"

Portland, Oregon

In Portland, Dolores was abducted and briefly held captive in the back seat of a Volkswagen by a deranged fan before being rescued by police.

Casper, Wyoming

"This place," said Dolores, "really gives Austin a run for its money."

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Another capacity crowd greeted the candidate at Heinz Field. Really. They all showed up at once, right after this picture was taken. Honest.

Afterwards, one of the city's most eligible bachelors escorted Dolores to a scenic viewpoint and then she made the rest of us leave for half an hour.

Columbus, Ohio

Who better to put the "swing" in swing state? On the first day of early voting for Ohio elections, Ms. Van Hoofen gets as close as legally possible to a public polling place. (We are happy to report that her fine for trespassing on public greenery was later overturned.)

Juneau, Alaska

"She's right," said Dolores during a brief stop at the Alaska governor's mansion. "You really can see Russia from the front porch." The lady of the house was not at home, so our candidate left a gift for her on the steps. (It took four men with scrub brushes and bleach five hours to remove it.)

Gourock, Inverclyde; and Edinburgh, Scotland

"It has long been a commonplace," said Dolores, "that in Scotland, the men are strong and the sheep are nervous. I would like to think that during my visit those roles were reversed."

Falmouth, Kentucky

During an impromptu appearance at the Kentucky Wool Festival, Dolores scared the hell out of a spinner in the vendor market. "You would think," she said, "that he'd be accustomed to chicks like me hanging around him."

Brunswick, Ohio

Although she is primarily known as a musical genius and political visionary, Dolores ably stepped in to substitute teach Italian at this Ohio high school because she is a very cunning linguist.

Soquel, California

"What the hell is up with putting water on the bar?" said Dolores. "Freaking Californians."

Doha, Qatar

It's a long way to the Persian Gulf, but no distance is too great for our girl to travel when there are loyal Fibertarians to be met. They had cake!

Eugene, Oregon

A deeply sunburnt Dolores (it's very sunny in Qatar) joined supporters Meg (center) and Oliver (right) for a photo opportunity at the annual Eugene Memory Walk for the Alzheimer's Association of Oregon. Addressing the crowd, Dolores said, "This is a cause dear to my heart. You can't truly appreciate what a precious thing memory is unless you've blacked out as many times as I have."

Kansas City, Missouri

In a stunning display of largesse, Dolores posed with Fibertarian organizer Laura Gayle (left) and openly hostile Canadian blogger Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, aka Yarn Harlot. Pearl-McPhee, who (we repeat) is Canadian, famously questioned our beloved candidate's qualifications an episode of the popular Y Knit podcast. The two have since kissed and made up, although Pearl-McPhee (the Canadian) denies the kissing part.

And the Bleat Goes On...

The tour doesn't end until November 1, so if you'd like to host Dolores and be considered for the grand prize for best photo, check out this entry for details.

I'll happily go anywhere I'm asked, if the proper arrangements can be made. Don't see your town on the list yet, but would like to? Recommend me to your guild or your favorite LYS. All they have to do is write to me at franklin at franklinhabit daht cahm and I'll happily send along my list of my offerings (talks, readings, classes, etc) and travel requirements.

54 comments:

Wow, I'm humbled to have my photo included. However, I would not want the Yarn Harlot (who is a petite, well-shaped, lovely person) to be confused with the Amazonian zaftig that I am. I am on Dolores's right, not the right of the photo! Dolores, my car will never be the same again. I can never use the same detailer again.

Too funny! If this election wasn't so important it would hilarious to actually add her as a write in candidate and see how many votes it would take to have some men in mirrored sunglasses and shiny black cars cruising around.

Well, shoot! (or in the current lexicon, gosh darn it all) Here I'll be in Chgo while you're signing at Arcadia but !!! I really do not see how I can get from McCormick Place (conference shuttle downtown, L to bus) to Arcadia and back in 1.5 hours. Oh, and hear you read and get a book signed.

Guess I will go lean on the LYS for a signing here. Remember the Franklin Bakery, Franklin? Will it move us up the list if their goodies are part of the travel package?

Panopticon fans, don't forget this is the last day to vote for the Bloggers Choice awards. The Panopticon has been nominated in four categories: Best Blog of All Time, Best Blog Design, Best Hobby Blog, and Best Humor Blog.

DAMN! i completely missed the delightful dolores on her indy visit! i was out casting my early vote for barack obama at the time, not knowing that ms. van hoofen was campaigning here.

as for why a dump for palin? uh, how about misuse of power, insensitivity to/opposition to women's issues such as equal pay and control of our fertility, support for the war and general lack of qualifications? if i were in her neighorhood, i'd wanna take a nixon on her doorstep too. (thank you, kinky friedman, for "take a nixon," btw)

for those of you who haven't cast your ballots yet, vote dolores, not mcsame, if you want wooly thinking!

AS one of the 3 people on a busy Ajax street corner, to whom Delores shared her vision of world domination, I mean a fibre rich society, I have to clarify why she was perched on a Conservative sign.

It was not a political statement but rather a statment of another type of preference. Delores after extensive discussion, felt that the pretty blue sign was the best since it had the word "johnson" on it...............

Dolores really DOES get around! And there are photos to prove it. A great way for her to increase her poll numbers would be to do an interview on a knitting podcast. In my mind, I hear her voice sounding something like a cross between Anne Bancroft and Harvey Fierstein (heavy on the Fierstein).

Will you be signing extra copies of the book that will be for sale at the booth after you finish signing. I won't be getting to the fair until 3-3:30 but I really want a signed copy! (You wouldn't put a signed copy aside for me, would ya?)

I love your blog, Farnklin. Dolores is fabulous and you can tell her I said so! I've downloaded her and plan to include Louisville, KY and Cloverport, KY in her campaign stops. How do I get you the picts?

Franklin, I just wanted to tell you that I only found your blog this week (thank you, Knitting Daily!) I immediately showed the picture of your book to my hubby and said "Christmas... you must purchase... no buts allowed". Then today I walked into my LYS and what was right out there on center stage?! You guessed it! Happy sales to you.Alex

Yeah, I know it's Habit but having met you I kinda think of you as an American Hobbit - donno why.

Anyway no photo of Dolores because...having parked at the side of the road at the nearest ovine farm I walked towards the fence holding Dolores facing me until I got close enough to take a photo. The nosy sheep had gathered along the fence to see what I was doing and when I turned Dolores to face them there was a lot of high pitched baaing and a general stampede to the far side of the pasture.

Even the guard donkey galloped off - some guard he was.

Dolores and I slunked back to the car where she immediately lit up a cigarello, flipped the critters the bard and instructed me to head to the nearest brew pub.

omgosh - I don't know how you will ever choose the best one! - Dolores has been prolific in her appearances and such stunning shots of the candidate!!(hmmm... so I sense another calendar in the making??)thanks for the fabulous belly laugh.

I must upload my picture (once I get through the initial trauma) soon. In the meantime, I've received my calendar and it's wonderful!! I'm just curious whether or not any of the models knit? Also where the pictures taken, the backgrounds are lovely!

Dear Franklin - Just back from a train trip to NYC. I was going to e-mail you about meeting me at Union Station but find you were gone that weekend anyhow. I like to think myself your #1 fan in Wyoming but, seeing the picture from Dancing Sheep in downtown Casper (My Hometown) I now have to rethink it... NAW, I am still your #1 fan. (I'm just jealous I couldn't be in the photo too.) The Alaska Governor's Mansion bit made me nearly fall out of my chair with laughter. I wonder if it will set a trend? Anyhow, can't wait to buy my copy of the little book. Take care. Best regards - Joe, in Wyoming

Imagine my surprise, as I was listening to PBS this morning (pledge week!), and the announcer said that Dolores was standing by, waiting for the next phone to ring. While it doesn't surprise me to learn she might take time from her busy campaign schedule to help out in a public service kind of way, the fact that she was awake at 7:30 in the morning did.

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