This moment

My daughter is getting married today. It’s a simple courthouse ceremony, with just most immediate of immediate family in attendance, but that still comes out to about 20 people. But after 2.5 years engaged, they just finally realized they care more about the marriage than the actual ceremony, so they just set a date, made an appointment, and let us all know so we could add it to our calendars.

I think it is and will be just right for them. The simplicity fits.

Writing personal notes to the bride and the groom to add to their gift (a fancy wedding card and a check), I found my eyes filling with tears as I finished my daughter’s. I wiped my eyes, but a single errant tear landed directly in the middle of my carefully written words, staining it and making the ink get splotchy in that spot. I decided to leave it, because while we are a loving, huggy/touchy kind of family, we are not effusively emotional most of the time. Today is not a “most of the time” occasion, though, and it seems to appropriate somehow.

It’s also raining outside right now, and my planned dress for the occasion is truly not appropriate (thin and sleeveless spring dress). So every other less spring/summer dress in my closet was dragged out and tried on, narrowed to 4 possibilities, and then modeled for M for his opinions. The actual One I thought for sure was it M said was not at all flattering to my changing body composition and were wrong for the shoes I selected. Somehow that sounded so much better when he said it than repeating it here in black and white. *laugh* Suffice to say while dismayed – I did not think it looked THAT bad – I went off in search of second and third choices.

Second choice was black, and M reminded me that I wore it to James’ funeral in December … could not strip that puppy off and hang it back up quickly enough. Then there was a solid eggplant purple one that M again thought was black and pronounced it morbid because its coloring was like the “heart of a bruise.” *sigh* Back to the pile of other choices. There was a red and black color block dress, but that was too kick-ass bitch-like fierce for a wedding and would incite fights with people. (These are all work dresses and not something I would typically solicit opinions from M on, because his judgment on work-related attire is kind of uneven at best.) I finally ended up with another mostly black dress, but it’s not ever been to a funeral or anywhere else. It’s been hanging in my closet for several months, actually. I bought it off a clearance rack a year ago on a whim – for $10 I could shrink into it or not. Fits perfectly fine now, and M said it was the best of the lot I had shown him. Sold!

Despite the micro drama with my attire, I am remarkably not stressed about this wedding thing. My biggest concern is that we NOT be late, and since it’s downtown and we rarely have reason to go there and it’s presently pouring rain, it is a valid concern. We’re picking up K at home, since G is not able to get away from work for the ceremony.

Thinking about it, many of my friends have asked on numerous occasions if I am disappointed she is not having a full-on wedding. Nope, not disappointed in the slightest. Wanting those I love most to be happy does not mean on my terms but on their own. And even if that happiness is short-lived or has a shelf life, something I hope is not applicable in the case of this marriage, through the years I have learned that not trying to control outcomes based on my own biases, impulses, or experience is the most prudent and caring course of action. There are exceptions; abuse of any sort immediately comes to mind. But just because I am nervously predicting disaster awaits, sometimes I’m wrong. Even when I have been right, though, the person I am trying to save from heartbreak will likely not listen and most importantly, who am I to deprive someone else from a meaningful life lesson?

I have never been someone with dreams of her child’s wedding day, plus I am not very good at social event planning because I truly do not enjoy it. I am someone who wants to look at choices, make a decision, and be done with it. Like with moving, another thing I particularly dislike, I hate the ongoing detail-breeding that seems to occur as a consequence of every single decision and choice that comes with weddings and other social planning. K is very detail-oriented and has been thinking about and planning her wedding for years, so I can enjoy the planning and preparation when invited to weigh in or express an opinion. My biggest decision was where to have the rehearsal dinner, but again, K did most of the research and made the appointment; I just showed up to have dinner with her, look at both spaces available, sign the contract and provide a credit card. I have loved this limited decision-making responsibility.

By the time this post publishes, we should be gathered at the courthouse and waiting for the kids’ licensing paperwork to be concluded and the ceremony to commence. My most genuine hope is that the time spent is perfect, magical, and everything they desire in a ceremony. As M and I have said from the very start, this is for and about them, no one else, and C has always stressed that it is the marriage that matters, not the ceremony. Whatever drama is brewing can and should be tabled and put away, so the happy couple can simply have and enjoy their moment. I can only hope that the other branches of the family agree and set aside the slights and disappointments that stem from the kids’ choices about a wedding and celebration.

“Wanting those I love most to be happy does not mean on my terms but on their own.”

That’s the best gift you could give to those you love. In France they have a saying, “Mariage pluvieux, mariage heureux”, which means “Rainy wedding, happy marriage”. All the best to your daughter and son in law, wishing them many happy years together.

It makes my heart happy to know that C and A know that it is the marriage not the wedding that is important. So many people focus on silly details they feel have to be right and forget the real meaning of Love and marriage. I am certainly glad you found the dress in your closet I would not have wanted you showing up in work up clothes or buying a dress on the way (kidding of course).

I wish them all the happiness and love in the world. What starts out simple and with well grounded love can only grow by leaps and bounds.As we say in our family only Love, Luck and Happiness can come their way

Congratulations on your daughter’s wedding day. I never day dreamed about my daughter getting married. I never dreamed about myself getting married. As long as the couple are happy, that is all a parent can ask for. Cheryl

Thanks Cheryl! I’m totally with you on the dreams of weddings and marriage, but apparently it’s a thing. My son’s fiance has vision and is making it a reality, but she would excel at being an event planner. I go along when invited, offer opinions when asked, am happy to help. All good!