The Maximum Wage Law

By: Eddie Clements

Fans and students of economics are no doubt fond of the many chapters in those exciting economic texts whose second or third paragraphs begin with â€œFirst, assumeâ€¦â€ and go on to things that make it all sound like something happening in a galaxy long ago and far, far away. My personal favorite econ joke is the one about the economists stuck in a hole; how do they get out? â€œFirst, assume a ladderâ€¦â€

What assumptions can we make about the, ahem, â€œbailoutâ€? The Economic Recovery and Cover Our Democrat Derrieres Act is a candidate for the Nobel Prize in Economics. Think of Democrats in a hole; how to get out? First, assume Democrats are not to blame, the other guys did it. Next, assume the Act will deliver on its alleged promiseâ€¦

Lawyers in Congress now want to regulate the income of chief executive officers (CEO) of private corporations. Not law firms, of course. Those are typically partnerships, ya dumb undergraduate. Can we expect a reduction in the wages of members of Congress that contributed (actually, caused) the current financial disruptions, in the name of â€œsacrificeâ€? Now youâ€™ve gone from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Is there a provision in the Act to prohibit extending loans to non-qualified buyers? Meaning, people who have no record of income? Now youâ€™re just being plain silly. Such nonsense would defeat our whole plan, sayeth The Messiah! Hie thee hence for thy blasphemy!

Is there a provision in the Act to cap the wages, income, salaries, bonuses, or other emoluments ofâ€¦Hollywood actors? Enough! Donâ€™t be silly, fool. How could the socialist candidate Barack Obama, Democrat-Ayersnois, squeeze millions from people who donâ€™t have it? Do you know how expensive a leg wax or facelift is nowadays? Itâ€™s not enough to get a lead in the polls, support of political professional Democrats, Democrat pollsters, Congressional Democrats, other elected Democrats, mainstream American media, world media, world dictators and socialists, brain-dead voters, academia, and George Soros, he needs millions more to sustain that lead. Hey, elections arenâ€™t that cheap to buy. Ten million just doesnâ€™t go as far as it used to.

So, whatâ€™s in the Act? You mean, the Treasury Secretary can just hand out cash to whoever he wants? COOL. Gimme some, H-Paul, I know you got it. Donâ€™t be holdinâ€™ back, or gonna be truu-buul with a capital TR. (Barack, to the American People: â€œI was proud to vote â€˜PRESENTâ€™ for this bill. And I will always vote â€˜presentâ€™ for you!â€) H-Paul, Treasury Transvestite â€“ dresses like a Republican, but is actually a Democrat!

Lest I digress furtherâ€¦

Democrats in Congress are never responsible. Barney Frankâ€™s significant other/friend/guest ran a homosexual prostitution ring out of a basement of Frankâ€™s home or homesâ€¦was his home confiscated? Did he resign in dishonor? Certainly not; he was portrayed as a victim, or even less. He was not held culpable in any way. He continues on to wreck peoples lives. His current significant other/friend/guest works at one of the failed institutions, Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac. It doesnâ€™t matter which. Will this derelict Congressman ever be held responsible on earth for his actions?

When Enronâ€™s officers cooked the books they were convicted of crimes and sentenced to jail. Will Harold Raines suffer the same? How much in taxes did he pay, anyway? Remember the indignation by leftists over Enron Chairman Ken Layâ€™s escape from jail by death from heart attack? This behavior from people who sanctimoniously lecture conservatives about compassion.

Speaking of the University of Chicago faculty, will the salaries of professors be capped, at say, $50,000? That would give them plenty of wiggle room to come in under that $250,000 tax cap, with outside publications and consulting. How much are Ayers and Dohrn bringing down as professional enemies of America?

Speaking of enemies of America, how about capping ambulance-chasing attorneysâ€™ salaries or awards? NO, sayeth the Barristerâ€™s Guild. Projected answer: â€œCapping these awards would have a chilling effect on the pursuit of irresponsible corporations and their CEOâ€™s who have wrongly misrepresented their products and placed citizens in imminent danger of life or limb. We must perfect Americaâ€™s institutions of revenue enhancement to ensure our prolesâ€¦uh, citizensâ€¦continue to lead safe, tax-producing lives. It would also reduce the number of lawyers available to pursue such suits, because what is the incentive to go to law school if not to become obscenely wealthy by manipulating rhetoric like my personal hero John Edwards? Public service? Get real!â€

How about Certified Public Accountants? Hey, if Barackonomics catches on, we wonâ€™t need them anyway. What is the need for bookkeeping accuracy in government accounting? Didnâ€™t Harold Raines show us the way on that one? Just do away with that by collectivizing all the CPAâ€™s into the IRS, and viola!

Doctors are about to be placed on the â€œcriticalâ€ list for income reduction by the lawyers. Universal health care will be a priority of the ObamaNation. All you ACORN sign-ups to vote for Obama who think yer gonna go to the emergency room to get that gunshot wound taken care of, think againâ€¦or, at all. Weâ€™ll all bleed when the Great Big British and Canadian Medical Experiments come on line.

Senator Obama and his considerable army of devotees have advanced yet another plan for American urban renewal. It calls for $150 billion in new spending. â€œHey, Barack, did you know the Federal Government can print money?â€ â€œWHAT??â€ â€œYeah, look at this Constitutionâ€¦it says right hereâ€¦â€

Or maybe theyâ€™re gonna have a genuine U.S.Government equipment yard sale. Get rid of all those tanks and airplanes we wonâ€™t need, â€˜cause The Messiah will bring peace to the planet. Yep. Quiet! Barack speaks: â€œCanâ€™t sell the nukes, though. Tell you what: just bury them inâ€¦uhâ€¦Iraq. Yeah, thatâ€™s it! Then we can â€˜findâ€™ them and claim credit for discovering those â€˜weapons of mass destructionâ€™ that idiot Bush couldnâ€™t find! Told you I was a genius!â€

If CEO pay is capped, what do the corporations do with all those extra millions? Look, the boys at the top ainâ€™t gonna be poor like us. Sure, a lousy couple million a year is a pitiful wage, but anyone could scrape by with that. Yeah, The Change is coming â€“ but whence the rest of the money?

To the Treasury, for redistribution. To whom, faithful Party members? What will the litmus test be to qualify for handouts? That stupid Mothers with Dependent Children thing, or whatever itâ€™s called, is sex discrimination. Men canâ€™t get pregnant. So much for equality under the law. More grants to study the Diurnal Behavior of Mimes? Perhaps, to study the inclusion of Fire Ants to the Endangered Species List? Yeah, gimme some oâ€™ that. Surely someone should explore the possibility of relocating polar bears to the southwest. If they can just re-adapt to the heat, they will surely flourish.

One thing is certain: an Obama regime will bring out every crook, fruit and nut looking to cash in on the taxpayerâ€™s dime. The only real â€œHopeâ€ is that The Messiah will be limited to one term before he does tragic damage to the U.S. and everything it has stood for.