Russell Friedman

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask John & Russell

They want us looking good, feeling good, and being productive 3-5 days later! (Published 5-17-11)

Q:

Lorrie fron Indiana writes:

I keep asking myself why me? My son in November, my dad in January, and now, my oldest daughter. Everyone wants to know why I’m so weepy. I have one daughter left [and three grandchildren] and I panic if I don’t hear from her a couple of times a day. I need peace. Apparently I’m a beast they think should be heavily medicated, but my mind overrules that. Thanks for listening.

Russell Friedman Replies:

Hi Lorrie,

When I read a note like yours, with loss after loss after loss, I always think of someone drowning in the ocean. Every time their head starts to come above the surface, another wave comes and pushes them under.

Why me? is a pretty logical question in those circumstances, even though there is no real answer for it.

I would guess you’re weepy because your heart is broken. I’m surprised that the people around you don’t get that. But, remember we live in a strange world that wants us back at our desk at work, 3-5 days after the death of someone important in our life. And they want us to look good, feel good, and be productive.

And of course, when you’re grieving, which usually includes crying and not necessarily being at the top of your game, then they want to medicate you.

We are thrilled that you are ruling out the drugs, because for the most part all they do is cover up the pain, they don’t make it go away. In the meantime, it gets worse inside of you.

So, if you’ve read some of the other responses we’ve made to reader questions, you know that now is the time we’re going to tell you - Go to the library or book store and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it, and then start taking the actions it outlines – either with a partner or on your own.