Infertility Support Group

In vitro fertilization is one of the most common and utilized ways of treating conception problems. This support group is dedicated to those beginning their journey with IVF and needing support. Join the community and share your experiences, advice, and story with people going through similar challenges starting a family.

Something I think about a lot.

This is a long one. And I'm only sharing it here because it's been in me for a long time to do so.

I've been thinking about infertility. What is it? What does it mean? What does it do to us? What doesn't it do to us? What do we do to ourselves? Why, exactly, is it so much more painful than anything else?

What is it... it is a disease. It's a disease with so many faces... PCOS, endometriosis, male factor, anovulation, elevated APA, lupus, blockages... and so much more. And then there's the dreaded "unexplained."

It means that we, for whatever reason, are unable to have children without medical intervention. It means that we've tried the "old fashioned way" and it has not worked.

It tears us apart emotionally. It brings financial burden. It can be physically painful. It can require treatments that for many of us, simply cannot be used - whether for financial reasons or personal beliefs.

It cannot make us worth less as a woman. It cannot force us to be bitter. It cannot force us to become isolated. It cannot take away our walk with God. It cannot destroy us.

But we can let it. We can become bitter. We can isolate ourselves. We can turn from God. We can choose to believe that in spite of being part of this community FULL of people who have "infertility," our pain is somehow more intense than anyone else's.

Why does it hurt so much? Truthfully, and this is NOT a slam on women, we were created for the purpose of reproducing. It's not our ONLY purpose - we can be teachers, doctors, lawyers, anything, really. Our value to society is not based on whether we can have children or not. But at the core of us, our souls, our nature, even our very bodies, are designed around reproduction. We're made to carry babies within, and birth them, and raise them and nurture them. And when this thing we are created for fails - when we are unable to have a child, be it for the first time or for the fifth time, it's as if our purpose has been ripped away from us. For those of us without children yet, we struggle with feelings of complete inadequacy. We wonder if our husbands would have married us if they'd known of our "problem." We have fantasies of what it would be like to have just one chance. We are certain that we would be satisfied with that. And we are certain we'd be so very grateful for that one chance. Then there are those of us who have had that one chance. Or maybe more than one. We have that same purpose within... to bear children, to love them, birth them, raise them. And we might wonder what happened - what changed, to make us unable to fulfill this very deep, basic drive within. What have we done wrong? It happened before - why can't it happen now? Self doubt replaces self-worth. It's not more painful for those with a child already - nor is it any less painful. It's different painful.

Finally... who can quantify pain? How is it measured? By the number of tears? By the number of times each day that stabbing, searing pain rips through the deepest parts of you? By how much time you spend thinking about it? Can it be measured by the blessings in your life? Does the man who is remarried after his wife of 20 years died feel less pain now, because he has this tremendous blessing of a second chance? Is the pain of losing a grandparent made less by the knowledge that there are other grandparents, other people of the same age and gender who would love to give us their love?

For all of us - the greatest pain we can imagine is the greatest pain we've ever had. Just because "worse" or "harder" things happen to others, doesn't make our pain less.

I've been on infertility boards and forums for about three years now. In this time, I've seen beautiful examples of love, compassion, support, and friendship. I've also seen more tearing-down of others, more bitterness, more selfishness, and more comparisons (negative ones) than on any other type of board or forum. This, to me, says that we're all hurting. Sometimes, people get upset at the "drama" that seems so prevelant on infertility boards/forums. I do too - that's why I don't post, anywhere, very often. I find myself playing into it with "the best of them." But really - all this drama, all the negatives... they aren't because we're bad. They're not because we're failures. It's because we are women, being denied something we have at the very core of us. And it hurts. And that is a common denominator for every single person here. We hurt.

Please, let's remember that. We all hurt - whether we need IVF with ICSI and PGD just to have a chance to have a pregnancy supported by daily shots of heparin and progesterone, or we have six beautiful children and we just need a new clomid prescription for the seventh. The point is - we are each stuck in our own life. Our pain isn't based on someone elses life. It's based on our own. And we've ALL been stripped of that basic right to conceive and birth and raise our babies. And that, no matter who we are or what we need to do to try and get past it, hurts.

I just saw the thread titled &quot;Don't Take This Wrong...&quot; and I want to say that this thread originated BEFORE I saw that particular thread. And this is NOT an attack on ANY of the ladies who posted there - including the original author.

Wow. Thanks so much for sharing, this was beautifully written and truly expressed many of the feelings in my own heart. All of what you have said is so true, and I know I have experienced all of the feelings and asked the questions that you wrote about. Also, thanks for the reminder that although we don't have a choice to have infertility issues, we do have some control of what we do with it, this is so easy to forget. I know it is easy for me to let it run me. You also made it so clear that we are all sisters in this, no matter where we are in the battle, we are all experiencing the same pain. Great post.

I agree 100%, especially with the end - &quot;We all hurt.&quot; Perfectly said. I am trying really, really hard to change my thought patterns about my infertility - infertility is a situation, and I have no control over it. THe only thing I have control over is the reaction I have to it. I can choose to be miserable, angry, hateful, resentful, etc., or I can choose to focus on the good in my life - and that is what I am working on. Granted, I have moments where I forget the good in my life - I think we all do - and I forgive myself and move on. When I find myself feeling upset or defeated over yet another BFN, all it takes is my DH to remind me that while we still ache for a child, we do have so very much to be thankful for - each other, our families, our friends, our home, our pets, and countless other blessings.
We are all here to support one another, not make each other feel worse than we already do.
Thank you for sharing your feelings...very well said!

Wow, that was awesome!!! So perfectly said. And how ironic that you were posting this around the same time as the other one....

Honestly, I don't think what you posted could be taken in an offensive way (at least before the other posting), because it says it all!! It was perfect. Thank you for taking the time to post something like this! And you're right, it really is up to us how we deal with IF. I'm realizing that more and more. Well said!

I feel exactly like you...I have these same thoughts running through my mind more often than not. It is a pain that no one can understand unless they have experienced it, although I know that others suffer with their own problems. One thing I often think about is that once this is over (AND IT WILL BE OVER, WE WILL ALL ONE DAY FIND THE FAMILY GOD INTENDS FOR US TO HAVE), I will hopefully learn from all of this. I hope that as a wife, a daughter, a friend, I will be able to better understand human suffering and will be able to reach out to others in pain.

That is very well said! Even though you posted before the other post, it still fits. We all need to remember that we suffer in our own ways and with our own problems. Can I be bitter about the people who have fallopian tubes? Sure, I don't have tubes. But am I? No I am not because I know my problems are no better than anyone elses problems. Could I be bitter because I have been TTC for 4 years and some people with IF get pregnant after 2? Sure again I could but I am not. Just because my journey is longer, doesn't make it any less painful then theirs. I think we all need to remember that we all suffer in our own ways and that we need to be respectful of that in others.

I don't care if it was an attack because I never said that it doesn't affect those with 2nd but to have in the end a child that calls you mommy and having been PG sets you apart in some ways and I FEEL is inconsiderate to still feel that you are totally and competely in the same boat. I myself can no longer say I'm hurting just like you nd am so bummed as someone that has never been PG before because I have and that's not right. That's all I've been saying. It's funny how someone else can post something and get praised but they read into mine and instead of asking questions or saying things to help me to see a similarity I get called names and wished bad luck on having my 2nd child that's support. Thanks, no wonder I still feel the same way. Thanks.

Thank you for posting this. I think you are absolutely right. When you think about it, none of us are in the EXACT same boat. We all have varying degrees of problems and pain. I can't begin to imagine the pain of someone who has miscarried, because I haven't m/c myself. But it isn't important that we COMPLETELY understand. It's not important for us to &quot;one-up&quot; each other to see whose pain is worse. What is important is for us to be here as a support system for one another, that we otherwise might not have. Thanks again for this post. I feel it was appropriate.

Very well said. I have been on these boards on and off for 3 years and in my experience, most of the time it is positive. Every once in a while you get some bitter feelings but it is to be expected I guess. Imagine all the hormones on these boards!!

I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

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