Am I right to be upset by comments from two of my sisters?

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Am I right to be upset by comments from two of my sisters?

Ant82kwi

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Posted on 07-12-2010 at 3.08PM

This is a bit of a long story, so I apologise in advance.
I come from a family of 5 (3 sisters and 1 brother). All my sisters have children between the ages of 18 months and 8 years. I have an 18 month old DD.
On Sunday, one of my sisters who has a 5 year old DD came around to see us. We all live within a couple of miles of each other but we don't really spend much time together. It had been a while since she'd seen my DD and my niece hadn't seen her for 6 months (her Dad and my Sis are separated and so her routine is a bit all over the place). So she was really excited about seeing my DD.
Anyway, my DNiece was playing with my DD and DD seemed to be having a great time. DH got home from work and while I was in the kitchen cooking and chatting with my DSis, my DH went into the garden with the dogs and saw my DNiece swinging my DD around and she didn't look very happy about it (although she wasn't crying because we'd have heard her), so tapped on the window and told my DNiece to put her down. My Niece then apparently threw her down onto the sofa and came into the kitchen crying and saying that DH had told her off.
My DH then told me what he'd seen and I tried to explain to my Dsis, but she kept defending her DD (which we all would in fairness) saying that she's used to babies and would never have hurt her. I agreed that I knew she wouldn't do it on purpose and eventually calmed everything down.
So, the next day Dsis went to see my other Dsis who hasn't seen my DD for 6 months. Apparently they were talking about the incident and started saying that DH and I were way too over-protective with our DD and that we need to loosen up. They started criticising the fact that we have a routine with her and that it is the reason that they don't come around to see her. Because they feel they can't interrupt it (which is rubbish).
I was really really annoyed about that. I work full-time (Monday - Thursday - 10 hours a day) so DD has to be in bed between 6.30-7pm because she's up at 6am for me to get her to CM or my SIL who both have her two days a week each. That's the only routine she has. Other than that, her naps can differ in the day dependent on how grouchy she is. She tends not to sleep in her pushchair anymore so we tend to change our plans dependent on when she needs her sleep. As we're normally just going out shopping as a family it doesn't make any difference. But if we had plans with other people, obviously we wouldn't change them and would hope that DD would sleep in the car etc.
They then started hinting that they think my choice of childcare isn't right. My SIL is profoundly deaf and I thought it was great that she would be able to teach my DD sign language from such a young age and that she would be with family two days a week instead of always with a CM. She has 3 children of her own, all who are teenagers who are very rounded, great fun and very intelligent, all are hearing.
So my 2 Dsis started saying that they were worried that being with my SIL was having an effect on DD's speech. She's 18 months and isn't saying a lot yet, but she's especially quiet when she's with people she doesn't really know, including my sisters! I phoned my DD's CM who said that she's rarely seen a child who is as bright as my DD for 18 months and that she babbles all the time when she's with her, like she does at home. She's happy, smiley and she said that if she was at all worried about her, she would have mentioned something to me.
Three of my sister's children are really naughty and can't be taken anywhere without misbehaving and they're also very loud. Not that that is an issue at all because my sisters are all loud. I'm the quiet one, as is DH, so naturally DD is going to be quieter than her cousins. We have a happy secure homelife and like to spend all of our spare time with DD because we both work.
So I guess what I'm asking is, should I be concerned about DD based on their views or am I right to be upset that they are trying to make out that there's something wrong with their Niece, who they never really see?
I wish their views didn't matter to me, but I feel like I've spent all my life trying to please them and maybe it's about time that I realise that they're never going to change.:(

This is a bit of a long story, so I apologise in advance.

I come from a family of 5 (3 sisters and 1 brother). All my sisters have children between the ages of 18 months and 8 years. I have an 18 month old DD.

On Sunday, one of my sisters who has a 5 year old DD came around to see us. We all live within a couple of miles of each other but we don't really spend much time together. It had been a while since she'd seen my DD and my niece hadn't seen her for 6 months (her Dad and my Sis are separated and so her routine is a bit all over the place). So she was really excited about seeing my DD.

Anyway, my DNiece was playing with my DD and DD seemed to be having a great time. DH got home from work and while I was in the kitchen cooking and chatting with my DSis, my DH went into the garden with the dogs and saw my DNiece swinging my DD around and she didn't look very happy about it (although she wasn't crying because we'd have heard her), so tapped on the window and told my DNiece to put her down. My Niece then apparently threw her down onto the sofa and came into the kitchen crying and saying that DH had told her off.

My DH then told me what he'd seen and I tried to explain to my Dsis, but she kept defending her DD (which we all would in fairness) saying that she's used to babies and would never have hurt her. I agreed that I knew she wouldn't do it on purpose and eventually calmed everything down.

So, the next day Dsis went to see my other Dsis who hasn't seen my DD for 6 months. Apparently they were talking about the incident and started saying that DH and I were way too over-protective with our DD and that we need to loosen up. They started criticising the fact that we have a routine with her and that it is the reason that they don't come around to see her. Because they feel they can't interrupt it (which is rubbish).

I was really really annoyed about that. I work full-time (Monday - Thursday - 10 hours a day) so DD has to be in bed between 6.30-7pm because she's up at 6am for me to get her to CM or my SIL who both have her two days a week each. That's the only routine she has. Other than that, her naps can differ in the day dependent on how grouchy she is. She tends not to sleep in her pushchair anymore so we tend to change our plans dependent on when she needs her sleep. As we're normally just going out shopping as a family it doesn't make any difference. But if we had plans with other people, obviously we wouldn't change them and would hope that DD would sleep in the car etc.

They then started hinting that they think my choice of childcare isn't right. My SIL is profoundly deaf and I thought it was great that she would be able to teach my DD sign language from such a young age and that she would be with family two days a week instead of always with a CM. She has 3 children of her own, all who are teenagers who are very rounded, great fun and very intelligent, all are hearing.

So my 2 Dsis started saying that they were worried that being with my SIL was having an effect on DD's speech. She's 18 months and isn't saying a lot yet, but she's especially quiet when she's with people she doesn't really know, including my sisters! I phoned my DD's CM who said that she's rarely seen a child who is as bright as my DD for 18 months and that she babbles all the time when she's with her, like she does at home. She's happy, smiley and she said that if she was at all worried about her, she would have mentioned something to me.

Three of my sister's children are really naughty and can't be taken anywhere without misbehaving and they're also very loud. Not that that is an issue at all because my sisters are all loud. I'm the quiet one, as is DH, so naturally DD is going to be quieter than her cousins. We have a happy secure homelife and like to spend all of our spare time with DD because we both work.

So I guess what I'm asking is, should I be concerned about DD based on their views or am I right to be upset that they are trying to make out that there's something wrong with their Niece, who they never really see?

I wish their views didn't matter to me, but I feel like I've spent all my life trying to please them and maybe it's about time that I realise that they're never going to change.:(

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Posted on 07-12-2010 at 3.18PM

No, you shouldn't be concerned hun :hug:
Just sounds like your sisters are ******** :roll: I wouldn't listen to them!
xx
(the stars wasn't really rude! it just said b.i.t.c.h.i.n.g. :lol:)

No, you shouldn't be concerned hun

Just sounds like your sisters are ******** I wouldn't listen to them!

xx

(the stars wasn't really rude! it just said b.i.t.c.h.i.n.g. :lol:)

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claire a(464)

Posted on 07-12-2010 at 3.23PM

ah the joys of sisters!!
i wouldnt be worried about ur DD hun.
if ur sisters dont really know her too well cos they dont see her often they cant really make a fair assessment of her.
i know my sisters think my DD is quiet and shy but she is only like that round people she doesnt know yet, they cant see her often due to where we live.
sorry to say it but ur sisters are probably a bit jealous as well cos u have such a good child and a good routine.
if ur dd is happy then never worry about it hun!

ah the joys of sisters!!i wouldnt be worried about ur DD hun.if ur sisters dont really know her too well cos they dont see her often they cant really make a fair assessment of her.i know my sisters think my DD is quiet and shy but she is only like that round people she doesnt know yet, they cant see her often due to where we live.sorry to say it but ur sisters are probably a bit jealous as well cos u have such a good child and a good routine. if ur dd is happy then never worry about it hun!

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Tam83epl

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Posted on 07-12-2010 at 3.55PM

I've had a similar situation with my SIL so I feel for you.
My DD is nearly 2 (but at the time of the 'incident' she was 18months) and she's very well behaved and has a flexible routine like your DD.
Their DS was 2 at the time and they have no routine, his life is very chaotic and his behaviour can be quite odd at times tbh!
She constantly critisised me for being over protective (as DD wears a harness when out walking) for feeding her junk (we bake cookies together and I let her eat them :shock:) letting her watch too much tv (she watches ITNG before bed) and for being too rigid in my routine (DD is tired by 7pm so I put her to bed while they keep their DS up till all hours to convenience their social life).
Anyway, my point is that although this really upset me a LOT, I know that my DD is healthy, happy and we have a good family life. Deep down you know this too, and it's just your sisters comments which are making you doubt yourself. Other Mums are always the biggest critics of each other which is a shame. I think you are doing a great job holding down a full time job and raising a LO so give yourself a pat on the back! I also agree with you that your LO learning sign language with your deaf SIL is a great thing. If she wasn't able to look after children competently then surely she would have needed help with her own??!!
Don't worry about what they say, they are probably jealous!

I've had a similar situation with my SIL so I feel for you.My DD is nearly 2 (but at the time of the 'incident' she was 18months) and she's very well behaved and has a flexible routine like your DD. Their DS was 2 at the time and they have no routine, his life is very chaotic and his behaviour can be quite odd at times tbh! She constantly critisised me for being over protective (as DD wears a harness when out walking) for feeding her junk (we bake cookies together and I let her eat them :shock:) letting her watch too much tv (she watches ITNG before bed) and for being too rigid in my routine (DD is tired by 7pm so I put her to bed while they keep their DS up till all hours to convenience their social life).

Anyway, my point is that although this really upset me a LOT, I know that my DD is healthy, happy and we have a good family life. Deep down you know this too, and it's just your sisters comments which are making you doubt yourself. Other Mums are always the biggest critics of each other which is a shame. I think you are doing a great job holding down a full time job and raising a LO so give yourself a pat on the back! I also agree with you that your LO learning sign language with your deaf SIL is a great thing. If she wasn't able to look after children competently then surely she would have needed help with her own??!!

Don't worry about what they say, they are probably jealous!

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Ela51vid

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Posted on 07-12-2010 at 4.05PM

I am from a close family and have often felt a lot of pressure to conform to their idea of how life should be. Fortunately I live far away from them and this has helped me to gain some perspective. I love my family but I had had to learn to accept that it's ok for me to want to do things differently from them. I am my own person and my choices are right for me.
You know your daughter is healthy, happy and developing well. Just because your sisters would do things differently does not mean that their way is better than yours. I have to say that I think you sound like you're doing just fine :D
And as for your SIL looking after her, whyever shouldn't she? She has raised her own children perfectly well and I'm sure she is wonderful with your DD. Have faith in your choices and enjoy doing what is right for you and your family :)

I am from a close family and have often felt a lot of pressure to conform to their idea of how life should be. Fortunately I live far away from them and this has helped me to gain some perspective. I love my family but I had had to learn to accept that it's ok for me to want to do things differently from them. I am my own person and my choices are right for me.

You know your daughter is healthy, happy and developing well. Just because your sisters would do things differently does not mean that their way is better than yours. I have to say that I think you sound like you're doing just fine

And as for your SIL looking after her, whyever shouldn't she? She has raised her own children perfectly well and I'm sure she is wonderful with your DD. Have faith in your choices and enjoy doing what is right for you and your family

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sally s(127)

Posted on 07-12-2010 at 4.13PM

I think you are very lucky - it costs lots of money to go to baby signing courses and you get it as an added extra ! Apparantly if children can sign before they speak it takes away a lot of their frustations as they have some communication ! All childrens speech comes at different times - I wouldnt worry what your sisters think !!

I think you are very lucky - it costs lots of money to go to baby signing courses and you get it as an added extra ! Apparantly if children can sign before they speak it takes away a lot of their frustations as they have some communication ! All childrens speech comes at different times - I wouldnt worry what your sisters think !!

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Ant82kwi

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Posted on 07-12-2010 at 4.21PM

Thanks so much ladies. I do feel a lot better now having read your comments. I guess I just worry a little because I do see other 18 month old babies walking and talking and as much as DD is babbling loads and attempting words, none are really recogniseable. Similarly, she's not walking yet, but is attempting it and walks very easily with her push-along toy and holding on to just one of my hands. So I know it's only a matter of time.
Also DD is having an operation on Friday on her eye and is having a general anaesthetic so I'm also sensitive because I'm thinking of that aswell. I do feel sometimes like I want to cut those particular two sisters out of my life as they always seem to bring me misery and never pleasure. I'm the only one of my siblings (other than my gorgeous brother who's 23 and at 13 years younger than me, I'm closer to him than anyone else), who has lots of really good friends who care about me and DD. So I guess that says something...
Thanks again ladies, so much. xxx

Thanks so much ladies. I do feel a lot better now having read your comments. I guess I just worry a little because I do see other 18 month old babies walking and talking and as much as DD is babbling loads and attempting words, none are really recogniseable. Similarly, she's not walking yet, but is attempting it and walks very easily with her push-along toy and holding on to just one of my hands. So I know it's only a matter of time.

Also DD is having an operation on Friday on her eye and is having a general anaesthetic so I'm also sensitive because I'm thinking of that aswell. I do feel sometimes like I want to cut those particular two sisters out of my life as they always seem to bring me misery and never pleasure. I'm the only one of my siblings (other than my gorgeous brother who's 23 and at 13 years younger than me, I'm closer to him than anyone else), who has lots of really good friends who care about me and DD. So I guess that says something...

Thanks again ladies, so much. xxx

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Posted on 07-12-2010 at 4.25PM

Children all develop at different paces, if there was any worry then it would've been picked up by now.
Like you have said, it's only a matter of time :)
I hope her op goes well :hug: My son had an op not too long ago, also under GA and I was very, very worried about it but it all went really well :D :hug:
xxx

Children all develop at different paces, if there was any worry then it would've been picked up by now.Like you have said, it's only a matter of time

I hope her op goes well My son had an op not too long ago, also under GA and I was very, very worried about it but it all went really well

xxx

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Ann31lgl

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Posted on 09-12-2010 at 11.22AM

How would your SIL feel if she knew your sisters had said this? What a horrible attitude.
It sounds like you're doing a great job, &amp; I agree family is a good idea for childcare, maybe your sisters feel insecure, so feel the need to criticise. Try to let it go over your head, just enjoy their company when you do see them &amp; ignore any comments, they're still your sisters &amp; I know how much of a love/hate relationship that can be!

How would your SIL feel if she knew your sisters had said this? What a horrible attitude.It sounds like you're doing a great job, & I agree family is a good idea for childcare, maybe your sisters feel insecure, so feel the need to criticise. Try to let it go over your head, just enjoy their company when you do see them & ignore any comments, they're still your sisters & I know how much of a love/hate relationship that can be!