Archive for March, 2013

I spent this Easter feeling very blessed. Just to update all of you, this is where we get to live. We found a house. A home. We are likely moving on our 8th wedding anniversary next month. We’re holding on. April is going to be a whirlwind of a month. I miss this space when I’m not writing regularly. Bare with me. Life is exciting right now.

For the next few weeks we will be soaking up every last memory in our little townhouse. It’s one of my favorite places in the world and we have to leave it. It’s very bittersweet.

Last night Charlotte and I came down after her bath and Greyson was watching TV.

Greyson: “Goodfellas is on.”

It’s pretty much understood that when Goodfellas is on, you just watch it. I mean, that movie is amazing. You don’t NOT leave Goodfellas on. Right? I stood in the living room and stared at the TV. We got sucked into at least five minutes of Henry’s story as he met Karen.

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Greyson: “This movie is so awesome.”

Me: “I love this movie.”

Charlotte: “I love this movie too!”

::pause::

Whoops. I scooped up my tot and whisked her away from the mobster excess. It’s cool, the blow and pistol whipping weren’t in any of the scenes she saw. All of Joe Pesci’s lines were made safe for TV with “freakin.” Still, maybe the only time to not watch Goodfellas is when my impressionable toddler is around. Parents of the year, 2013.

“You know, we always called each other goodfellas. Like you’d say to somebody: You’re gonna like this guy, he’s all right. He’s a goodfella. He’s one of us. You understand?” -Henry Hill (Ray Liotta), Goodfellas

Charlotte has been looking a bit shaggy and I wanted to get her spruced up a bit for Easter next week. I took her to one of those kiddie salons today. We’ve been really hit or miss with this place. They made her first haircut cute and special, but then gave her a hot-mess mullet another time.

We walked in and there was a child screaming. I mean awful screaming like someone was scalping her. I looked up and was shocked to see that I could indeed see her scalp because the stylist was shaving this baby’s head. I sat with other Americans staring at these parents trying to comfort their screaming child with their deep accents. Even though the baby was clearly unhappy, the parents were elated and proud. The stylist carefully collected a lock the child’s hair in a bag to take home.

A quick Google search informed me this special ritual is called a mundan and is an important time in the life of a Hindu child. Cool, right? It was neat that we got to see it.

I did not know this at the time, however, and was dealing with my own tired and hungry tot. I just wanted their screaming child to leave so mine could get her haircut.

After I took this adorable photo, Charlotte was a force to be reckoned with. She screamed the entire time. No amount of animal crackers, cartoons or iPhone distractions would soothe her. Other parents looked at me with either sympathy or annoyance. I avoided eye-contact with them.

All my efforts were useless. I threatened her with a time-out. I told her the Easter Bunny was watching her. I bribed her with the holy grail of good-behavior prizes, the Dum-Dum lollipops the stylist had. She took the bait, but then said, “I want a purple one!”

Oh God. Not purple. Anything but purple. I can’t stand the smell or taste of anything with artificial grape flavoring. It was never the alcohol in a Jell-o shot that turned my tummy in college. Nope, I would only lose my liquor if I accidentally took a grape shooter. I don’t even like my sacred red or orange popcicles to be near the purple ones in the box for fear of any purple enfusion. This extreme aversion stems from an unfortunate stomach flu as a child after being given a dose of grape flavored Children’s Tylenol. It was traumatic and the reason no purple candy touches my lips.

For a moment Charlotte stopped her screaming and happily sucked her purple lollipop. I was safely in the parent’s chair. She started up again and could not be soothed. I reminded her that the last kid got her head shaved and she was just getting a trim. The screams continued. The stylist suggested I hold her. Oh God! I grimiced as my child wailed and smeared her sticky purple pop across my face. I held my breath, so as not to inhale the purple fumes. Ugh! I got a whiff and instantly my mind went back to that night when I was six at my grandmothers and the grape evil escaped my body.

To add to this salon fiasco, the stylist decided to take the time to add a little braid, ribbons and a butterfly clip a-la 1996 to her hair. Seriously?! I was gagging, my kid continued to wail, and this woman was giving her a “princess style!?” The topper was what she did next. The stylist took a handful of gold glitter and tossed it on my kid’s head. She said, “It’s fairy dust!” I think I smiled and said, “Oh! Fairy Dust!” In my brain I screamed, “Lady! Are you %&#*+=@ crazy!? Who puts glitter on a two-year-old? This #&^% is gonna be all over my house for weeks!”

I believe this whole experience was my penance for being a culturally insensitive, impatient American. The grape lollipop ended up in my hair with chunks of glitter stuck in it. The smell alone made me want to shave my head.

We’ve been practicing our grunting and bridge guarding. I think Charlotte would be a pretty cute troll. You know, like the early nineties collectibles we enjoyed. Aw! Here she is…

Now, if Greyson and I were trolls, we’d be gruesome doofuses like a Harry Potter troll. Ew…

Why are we going to be trolls? Oh, because since we’ve sold our house we have no where to live. Surely we’ll doomed to live under a bridge somewhere and be a troll family.

Seriously. We’ve made offers on three houses. Two have fallen through and we remain in limbo with the third. I’m starting to think a mossy bridge over a sparkling stream would be lovely. But, then I remember we’d probably end up under a highway overpass with some smack addicts and I continue my MLS Google searches. Well, as long as it’s an overpass near a good elementary school it might work.

WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS EXTREME BATHROOM DISCUSSION. IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE POOP, GET OFF THE CRAPPER!

I know kids don’t usually go to Kindergarten crapping their pants. I also know kids don’t move into a college dorm still wetting the bed. Well, they might. That would be a time to talk about drinking in moderation. But, I’m starting to think I started my daughter potty training too early.

We followed the pediatrician’s advice to buy a potty for a little girl when she turns 18 months. We did. We talked about the potty. We brushed her teeth on the potty. She pushed the buttons on the potty that made funny noises. She thought the potty was great

When she turned 2 in November we bought Pull-Ups and she was delighted. She didn’t want diapers anymore. She was psyched.

After the holidays, when Santa brought panties, it was on like Donky Kong. Potty training. Boo yah! She wears panties at school except for her nap. At home we try to keep panties on until it’s time for bed. When we go somewhere, though, it’s back in a Pull-Up.

Number one is usually not a problem. Number two. Ugh! Still a battle EVERYDAY! I feel like I’m always dumping little turds from Minnie Mouse underpants into the commode. I lead a glamorous life, lemme tell ya.

We’ve tried the “one M&M for pee and two for poop.” We’ve tried the “one sticker on the chart for pee and two for poop.” We’ve caved in to poor parenting tactics and bribed her with toys. She has only pooped on toilet a handful of times and it was really just good timing on our part because we detected a pre-poop fart and ran her in the bathroom.

I’ve heard of 3 1/2 year-olds who still won’t take a crap unless it’s in their Pull-Up or diaper. I don’t want that to happen to us. I know she can do it, she just doesn’t want to stop playing long enough to go.

What am I doing wrong here? Should I ditch the Pull-Up for naptime and bedtime too, and hope when she wakes in her own filth she’ll get the picture? That seems cruel and like something they would do to prisoners in captivity, you know?

Where are we going wrong? Should we have just done the extreme roll-up-the-rug-and-let-them-run-naked method? Is she just too young? What did you do?