Categories

Meta

power

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

I was up insanely early one morning, because my subconscious decided to throw some deep shit at me, right in that space between sleep and awake, when we are most open to information. For me, for anyone else that needs to hear it, let me lay it down.

It all came together after a discussion one night with a few people about pain and about taking responsibility for your own feelings, a topic I have discussed here before. I realized that one person in the discussion was not taking responsibility for their feelings, and in doing so, they were giving another power over them. As long as you give another responsibility for your feelings, you give them your power! That’s a big realization for me!

For this post I’ll call them X and Y.

The reason X was able to take Y’s power like that is because Y had already given it up. Y talked about X attacking their past abuse, and that being a weakness for them. What that means is, Y still had not taken responsibility for their pain from those previous attacks. Until Y can find a way to own their feelings about their past, Y will be giving those past events power over themselves, power that people like X can and will use.

Of course, the obvious question is, what do I mean by owning your feelings, or taking responsibility for your pain?

In my post, “Fear and Control”, I talked about how all we really have control over is our own happiness, or, our own emotions. This is what I mean by owning your pain. I mean to recognize that you are the one in control; you are the one who is choosing to be in pain.
This can seem very callous, especially when dealing with issues like childhood abuse, but it is not meant as a judgement, or to place blame with the victim. It is about freeing them from the victim mentality; to free them from the very idea that they are a victim. It is all about taking your power back.

This is not to say that abuse is good or right. No, it is to say that all psychological pain you feel is still your responsibility, and you will always be the victim, in your own mind, until you take responsibility for, or ownership of, your pain.
When you can say “those events happened to me, those people were wrong to do that to me, I feel pain over those events” then you have taken the first step.

The next step is to release all pain and other negative emotions associated with those events. This can be very difficult, and I highly recommend getting the help of someone you trust with this. I use the techniques of EMDR and EFT for clearing emotions. You may have others that work for you. The point is. To complete the next step, and be truly free from those past events, and the idea of victimization, you must reach a point where you can recall those events in detail and say ” those events happened to me and I felt pain”, without feeling the pain in the present moment. They are merely events that happened in the past.

Then you will have owned your pain and released it. Then, anyone can say whatever they want about your past, and it will not hurt you. The events have no power over you, so, therefore, others cannot gain power over you.

This idea really applies to all areas of life. Far too often we react to the people, conditions, or events around us, without exercising conscious control over our own thoughts and emotions. When things we like happen, we feel good, when things we don’t like happen, we feel bad. This may seem a perfectly normal, and even acceptable, way of going about life, but it puts you on an emotional roller coaster ride that you can’t get off of!

You cannot control all the conditions in your life.

Other people’s actions, chance events, weather, the economy…. these are all out of your control.

If how you feel is dependent on these conditions, then you are completely out of control.

And I think a lot of people really do feel out of control.

This is what this post is about: TAKING YOUR POWER BACK!

Do not give responsibility, or control of how you feel, and your own happiness, to anyone or anything, other than yourself. Period.

“Who sits in solitude and is quiet hath escaped from three wars: hearing, speaking, seeing: yet against one thing shall he continually battle: that is, his own heart.” ~ Abbot Anthony

I was sitting by a beautiful lake at sunset being frustrated and distracted by little things; the moment wasn’t the perfect scene I had pictured in my head. There was a dog barking, cutting through the otherwise perfect silence, and I was being bitten by mosquitos, and I had a hundred and one worries running through my head. I’d been looking forward to getting away from the city and having peace and solitude at the lake all week, but then, once I got there, I wasn’t able to enjoy it. When suddenly I thought to myself “look around you, look where you are!” I looked around and really saw for the first time that day, and a sense of awe and wonder bubbled up inside me as I sat there on the dew dampened grass watching the fish jumping out of the water, and admiring the tall grasses waving in the wind; at that moment more beautiful than a colourful bouquet, their dark silhouettes set against the last light of day reflecting off the water. It is in moments like that, when “the wildness and the pang of life steals into our hearts and thrills them” (~William James) that you realize what it’s all about, that all life culminates in this one moment, and the need for everything to be “just so” disintegrates as you finally appreciate what is.

It’s easy to get “caught” in a bad mood; to feel like there’s nothing we can do to shake it. Cartoonists depict a bad mood as our own personal rain cloud following us around, and it can certainly feel that way; like a force of nature, but that story paints us as a victim. When we become a victim of our bad moods, we surrender control of our thoughts and emotions; the very things we have the most potential to control in this ever changing life.

When we give up control; because it is a choice, conscious or not; we start to feel powerless and “out of control” in our daily lives. We start to see everything in a negative light under that dark cloud: children’s laughter becomes annoying instead joyous, that beautiful sunny day is too hot and bright, everything our spouse says and does is wrong; it’s almost as if we start to look for things to add to our misery, to justify our bad mood, rather than owning our own feelings.

The problem starts to magnify as our bad mood effects our words and actions. We start to drift away from our core values and act in ways that go against our authentic selves: snapping at our children and spouses, losing it on the checkout clerk, cutting people off in traffic. All of this sets off a chain reaction as the people around us tend to react to our negativity in a negative way. Surrender to bad moods often enough and it becomes habit, part of our automatic programming; we drift on autopilot in a sea of negativity and we can drift so far away from our true selves, our highest potential for good, that it can seem impossible to find our way back.

The key to staying authentic, holding on to our truths, is to take back control of our thoughts and feelings: to take responsibility for our own moods. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and really own what you are feeling, right now, at this moment. No one and nothing “made” you feel this way. You made a decision, whether conscious or not, to feel this way, and you have the power to decide to feel differently. The power you have over your own emotions is incredible, and the more you practice consciousness of thought, the easier it becomes to stay in control.

This is why we have a “meditation practice”, because meditation is a practice for life. Not the practice of having an empty mind, but the practice of focusing your thoughts, bringing them back again and again so that when you find your thoughts spiraling out of control you have the capacity to bring them back to center again and again. Meditation is the practice of conscious thought.

OPPORTUNITIES AND CHOICES

“Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything.” ~ Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life

You can make a decision, right now, to change your focus, to change your mood. Whatever situation or person you are holding responsible for your bad mood right now, free them of that responsibility. Put the power right back where it belongs: in your hands, or more accurately, in your mind.

That situation didn’t just happen to you; own the fact that you created it, that it is exactly what you need at this moment for your personal growth. Ask the question “what do I need to learn from this in my life right now?” Be grateful for the challenge and the opportunity to grow.

“On some dimension or other, every event in life can be causing only one of two things: either it is good for you, or it is bringing up what you need to look at in order to create good for you.
Evolution is win-win…life is self-correcting.”
~ Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life

That person didn’t do that hurtful thing TO you; that person did something misguided and small. You chose to take it personally, you chose to be hurt by it. You can make a different choice. You can change your mind. Choose to see that misguided small person for who they really are: another Soul, lost and confused on the journey to enlightenment just like yourself.

Recognize parts of yourself in them, as much as it may pain you to do so. Learn true humility and look at the parts of yourself you are really scared to face staring back at you in their eyes.

Recognize that the fear and the pain come from not accepting those parts of yourself. When you are able to love those parts, you will be able to love that person, and be grateful they came into your life to act as your mirror and teacher. They are there to play a role in your life, as you are there to play a role in their life.

Recognize that we are all actors on the stage of life, and nothing is personal. In your eyes, they are just the role they are playing in your life, but in reality, they are a Soul, a heart, and a consciousness: a piece of the Divine.

Recognize the Divine in them, and the Divine in you, and the Divine at work in your life.

These are the tough lessons.

This is the real hard shit.

This is when you rise to the challenge, let go of your ego, and let yourself love yourself as you truly are, not as you pretend to be, or wish you were.

This is when you realize that everything you are is enough, and when everything you are is enough, then every need you have to be right, or to be validated, or to be justified melts away, and taking ownership of your feelings is no longer terrifying because there is no judgement at your own failings; no nagging voice telling you you are not good enough.

Just acceptance.

Just Love.

Love yourself enough to choose better things for yourself.

Love yourself enough to take back your power and remember that this is a journey and that you won’t get it all right all of the time, but every moment is another opportunity to make a better choice. Be grateful for the opportunity to shine.

“The truly courageous person is able to withstand harm without the mental suffering that hatred and anger bring.” ~ The Dalai Lama