Saturday, December 11, 2010

The War on Christmas: The Counterattack on Christ

It's already that time of year again: To bitch and moan about people acknowledging that there are other- albeit far less interesting and fun- holidays in the month of December. It pisses me off that all these religious holidays suddenly become a big deal! Religion belongs in churches and temples, and shouldn't be sticking its ass into everything like some buttfuck that sucks his own dick. And why the hell wouldn't you celebrate Christmas? It's a fucking fun holiday! Songs, decorations, cartoon specials, Martian fighting; Christmas is full of awesome stuff to de-suck your sucky-ass life! You won't find this sort of stuff in those crappy religious holidays like HonukaHanookahHahnuchaJew Christmas Chanukah or Black Chanukah! So what's with these crappy religious (Kwanzaa is Chanukah for racist black people, so close enough) holidays hijacking the holiday season? Fucking cock and balls bullshit, right?

...Well, as it turns out, this isn't anything new. In fact, get this:

Christmas is technically a religious holiday.

Yeah, what the fuck, right? I'm just making this up to divide people over petty bullshit, aren't I? Well, as much fun as it is to inspire hate and sow the seeds of mankind's downfall, it turns out it's actually true! Yeah, the very first guy to hijack the holiday season was this asshole:

Look at this cocksucker, ruining Christmas for everyone. Apparently, Christmas is this son of a bitch's birthday. Scholars and other smartasses like that say that being an asshole who ruins holidays dates back even further and that Christians just hijacked Pagan winter holidays by saying their Lord and Savior was born on their unholy day of celebrating how wrong and false their gods were. I say he's just a dickhead who wants to stick religion where it doesn't goddamn belong because he wants to control people's lives like an egotistical asshole. Looks like a goddamn terrorist of pedophile descent.

So that got me thinking, what's the real War on Christmas here? Is it on PC pussies who have to mettle with everyone's shit just so they can pat themselves on the back for being do-gooder motherfuckers? Or is it something more sinister? Is the real War on Christmas, in fact, a war on people not getting a crucifix up their ass over the most fun holiday ever? Behold the true Hitler in the real War on Christmas:

"Ho ho ho! I'm the idol of the secular progressives! Big government for all!"

If that's the real Hitler, then I'm a Nazi. Be a Nazi, too, and prove the superiority of the master holiday!