Sunday, July 20, 2014

After a 2 year hiatus, I'm going to write for the first time on this lazy sunday morning which was otherwise spent reorganizing my Pinterest boards (because I am 45 years old) and sitting in bed using Google translate to brush up on my French. But that's not what I'm here to talk about.

I am now 25 years old and in the weeks leading up to my birthday, I spent a lot of time thinking about that Vitamin C lyric "...so we talked all night about the rest of our lives, where we're gonna be when we turn 25..." That song feels like the song of our youth in some senses. Even after the song's release in 1999, I still find it is the quintessential Graduation day song. I've met young people (I feel so old saying that) who don't know who the Olsen twins are but know this song. Seems out of order but I digress. I also kept thinking how I would no longer apply to the coveted 18-24 age demographic. But then I just got a Platinum Amex and in my head, that cancels this out.

I've been thinking about "next steps" a lot lately. At work, I'm the person who dictates next steps, who, what, when, etc. There, because there is always some concrete point we are working towards, it's easy to work backwards to decide what to do next to get us there. But in my personal life, since I am the ultimate dictator of next steps, it's much harder. For one, it's very hard to look into the future and try to decide what it is you want it to look like. As my future self is still in progress, I cannot rely on her to tell me what it is she wants. My current self is also in flux, depending on the day, level of hunger/fatigue, and phase of the moon. I am a Cancer after all. My past self has proven somewhat unreliable. She is to thank for getting me to where I am now but she has faded along with the parts of me that no longer apply. All of this is made more complicate by the fact that unlike at work, I personally do not have a concrete point I am working towards.

I've had this TED Talk bookmarked for months now and finally got around to watching. It's called You Are Always Changing Harvard Psychologist Dan Gilbert talks about the idea of the future self and patterns of change over our lifetime. When you're 18, you think the best friend you have then will continue to be the best friend you have over the next decade. You'd pay $129 (on average) to see your favorite band in 10 years assuming they will still be your favorite band. The mistake we're making here is assuming that because we cannot see into the future at our future selves, they must be the same as who we are now. We accept there will be some degree of change but not that we could be dynamically different people. People marry and then divorce. They get tattoos they pay to erase. We give away clothes we used to love, change our hairstyles, and forget the street address of our childhood home. Dr. Gilbert mainly attributes our underestimation of change to our future selves as our inability to imagine our future selves but I'd like to admit it's also in part due to fear. It's uncomfortable to think the things we love won't be things our future selves will love. It's a strange sense of betrayal you feel from your own self now that you know your future self will find normal. I suppose these things are necessary as they are the catalysts for growth, which now that I'm thinking through all this, sounds like a euphemism for change that we embrace while shunning the idea of change.

All of this is to say that I am vaguely putting together the b o n e s of my future now. I'm attempting to make decisions I think will take me to places I want to be, with people I want to have in my life, and ultimately, create my own happiness. This is what it is to build a life for yourself and it is a lifelong journey we are all tasked with. I have no idea how much progress I've made in that journey or how close or far I am from where I should be but the best thing I have going for myself is that I question it everyday and I'm open to change. That's the only thing that will remain constant about me.

Friday, August 24, 2012

I haven't forgotten about you blog, in fact, I think about you at least once a day. I dream up ideas for posts and think about how that post- beginning, middle and end. But nothing makes it into this white box because I want whatever I put here to be perfect even though nothing here is perfect. It's like how some people untag unflattering pictures on Facebook, but in the reverse. I have the power to decide how this blog will look and what it will say, I'm creating the image I want people to see of me and that's a lot of pressure! I might be over thinking this but isn't the internet forever? I think I read that somewhere once. What I want to become President one day (hah) or become famous (hah) and some mean person who isn't a fan of whatever work of mine that has made me famous decides to dig up dirt on me and finds this blog and suddenly all of TMZ/E!/MTV/Conan/Soup are making fun of embarrassing blog posts of mine? WHAT IF.

More so, I read a lot of blogs. Some are frilly and fun (still with good writing) and some are more serious and talk about life in the way most young people don't (with exceptional writing). Instead of inspiring me or making me appreciative of the art of writing, they just cripple me with a feeling of inadequacy When I hear a song, I think it's a shame I'm as great a singer. When I see a pretty girl, I think it's a shame I'm not as pretty (clearly my post on compliments/comparing ourselves to one another didn't stick :/ ) . So naturally when I read, I think it's a shame I'm not as good a writer. To be fair, I mostly just feel this when I read blogs. That's because I don't pick up In Cold Blood and wish I could create that kind of suspense because I don't have any interest in penning a murder novel. But I do write blog posts and there is no reason, without some dedication and investment, I couldn't write like that too. And in an ideal world, I would write every single day. Not just write blog posts, but write short stories, poems, anything at all. I remember what I loved most about the creative writing class I took Sophomore year of college was that I finally had a reason to schedule time everyday to sit down and write. Sharing your stories and talking about characters and wondering about the phrasing of this and the structure of that with like-minded writers was such an enriching experience, it eventually led to my taking graduate level poetry classes.

But then there kind of is a reason, or perhaps, an excuse why I don't write everyday. It's called a job and it prevents me from doing a lot of things between the hours of 9am and 6pm. And when I get home at 6, I want to unwind and not feel like I have to be the best at anything, let alone something that requires turning the creaky wheels in my brain. So, blog, after this long rant, my point is, (lord, look at all those commas!) I'm sorry and I love you and we'll be together when we can.

Friday, June 22, 2012

The above, is a Magnolia Bakery cake. It's has three tiers, it's Red Velvet, and it's all mine. I think the only thing I wanted for my birthday last year was a Magnolia birthday cake and while I didn't get it, I think my 22nd birthday was one of best I've ever had. Realizing I probably won't be able to top the unforgettable fun that was all my favorite people in the world in my favorite place in the world for my birthday last year, I secured a Magnolia creation for this year's birthday! I don't know if my level of adoration for this bakery is healthy and/or socially acceptable but I'm glad my friends put up with it. To be honest, I have such fond memories of visiting Magnolia every time I visited New York growing up and those trips were always the highlight of my year, so that's probably where all this fierce loyalty/love is stemming from.

My college roommate is coming into town for my birthday (which isn't until Sunday)/birthday party which is enough for me because having unscripted, hilarious adventures is our forte. It's so nice to be around people who you've known for years and are so close with, which is exactly what my party will be. I've never been much for a big to-do so I'm opting for an intimate shin-dig at my place with good food, good drinks, and good friends. I can't wait :)

Who knows birthday adventures await, I feel like I'm in that moment when you take a big gulp of air right before you dunk your head under water. That almost dizzy feeling that's so full of potential. Does that make sense? Regardless, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, I've got some celebrations to tend to ;)

Saturday, June 9, 2012

I wrote this post on 6/9/12, at 1:37 PM. I remember writing it and feeling glad I did but knowing I wouldn't post it. At the time, I think this was somewhat of a diary post but now, two years later, it's mostly just prose. There are still a few thoughts below that ring true but (always yes to cake) and some not so much (Pinterest is SO FUN). My biggest departure from where I was when I wrote this would be feeling so uneasy about my professional self. 2 jobs, 2 cities, and 3 years into my career, I feel like I've amassed a great deal of experience and built a network I can rely on to help me in and out of any situation. I was 23 when I wrote this, and now, as a 25 year old, I can bravely share this with the world in the hope that someone out there will read this and know that we all have days like this and from them, things only get better. So here you go, musings from my 23 year old self;

My birthday is approaching, I hate birthdays.

I would love to eat a whole cake right now. Chocolate on chocolate of course.

I have to stop making to-do lists only to abandon them for marathon episodes of Mad Men.

I am so lucky and so hungry for more all at the same time.

How can it be so dark in my apartment when it's light out?

I'm having one of those days.

Meeting people you find inspirational is somewhat of a let down because then you realize they're just people like you when you wanted them to be a superhero of sorts.

Sometimes it's you and the world, sometimes it's you in the world.

I miss everything about my old life even though none of those people exist anymore.

Am I supposed to be successful or something? Shit.

I mostly want the things I want for how I think they'll make me feel, not for what they are.

Expensive shoes should be comfortable like expensive meals should be delicious.

Failure to launch.

I mean, what the hell am I doing?

When did I start hating birthdays?

If I eat chocolate chip pancakes for brunch, does that mean I have to go to the gym?

I probably shouldn't have texted you last night. Oops.

I wish the Upper West Side was actually downtown.

Pinterest is where feelings of inadequacy are born.

So, are we just never going to speak again?

3 of my nails are chipped and I'm out of nail polish remover.

One day, I'll change my pillow covers weekly, not monthly.

You can clean and organize all you want, it won't fix the chaos in your life.

Is this post whiny?

We were supposed to see Perks of Being a Wallflower together.

I really wish I knew how to swim.

I just don't think it's fair how much more upkeep women have than men!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

While waiting for a friend to Sunday Shop (yes, I do feel that deserves capitalization), I finally took Netflix up on their pesky FREE ONE MONTH TRIAL emails. My disappointment with their movie selection aside, they've got an eclectic collection of documentaries, of which I watched Bill Cunningham New York. Bill was the pioneer of street style photography and has been photographing since the 1940's. He introduced the American people to Jean Paul Gultier & Alaïa. He was one of the first photographers in Paris at the haute couture shows, brining European fashion to the states. His expansive knowledge on fashion over the decades in New York allows him to call out big names like Issac Mizrahi for ripping off designs. This man is a legend.

Did you know he's lived in the same 1 bedroom artist's studio in Carnegie Hall since moving to New York and becoming a milliner? He doesn't have a kitchen and his bathroom is in the hallway. He has never had a romantic relationship in his life (which he says he doesn't regret.) He navigates the streets of Manhattan attending multiple events a night on a bike, 28 of them have been stolen. Ironically, he owns no "wardrobe," only a few pieces which are mostly for utility, not fashion.

Can you imagine being so passionate about something that you literally dedicate your life to it? He doesn't eat or drink at events even though they're some of New York Society's finest. He didn't accept money from Details magazine when he used to photograph for them so he could preserve his creative freedom. He is loved by so many for his unbiased and kind portrayal of his subjects because he cares about those women. How fearless of his too, to leave his family, and never think worry if he would "make it" or not. He just did the one thing that fulfilled him so deeply it was never a question. I think very few people are lucky enough to feel that way about something- let alone to achieve the level of success Bill has with their craft.

What would you dedicate your life to, regardless of failure or success, but for the love of it?

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I graduated from Miami University exactly one year ago from May 7, 2011. 12 days later, I packed up my life and moved to New York City. This was always the plan, it was a life long dream. I was that friend talking about some place called Magnolia Bakery and how their cupcakes would save your life. How Greenwich Village was like a storybook and I'd live there one day if I could (I've since come to realize I'd rather live in Gramercy and play in Greenwich.) I wasn't always sure what I would do here but I knew whatever it was, it had to be here.

It's one year ago to the day that I moved to NYC. Sometimes I still feel new here, and in truth, i'm only just beginning to settle into my life here. I thought I'd never stop making the same mistake of going uptown instead of downtown or vice versa. After my first day in the city,I got lost on the train for two hours. Now I mostly know how all the subway lines connect and how to get from point A to point B. But more than knowing how to get around, I learned how to get by.

They say it takes a full year for someplace new to feel like home. I still call Ohio home since that's where I've lived most of my life but, NYC has certainly lived up to my expectations. I fretted so much about what to do today. I felt like I had to have the quintessential New York day to honor this anniversary but then a friend put it into perspective. Instead of doing New York-y things for the sake of doing them just because today is a significant day, I can instead realize that this is my life now. This city isn't a place i'm visiting anymore, it's where I live.

In the interest of full disclosure, I want to make it clear that this year hasn't been easy. This year in the city hasn't been easy. For every glamorous night out, there is a tedious morning commute. For every exciting new friend you make, there is a deeply missed one somewhere far away. The amazing meals in fancy restaurants you know you couldn't experience anywhere else cost three times as much as anywhere else. This Thought Catalog piece is so honest in exposing the ugly side of New York. Like the end of the article suggests, most people who move here eventually move away. This city has a way of draining your energy, you can only keep up with it for so long. So if one day I do move away, I'll be oh so glad for my time in the greatest city on earth.

New York, you've been quite an adventure. I have no idea what else you've got up your sleeve but you've got me hooked and i'm willing to stick around to find out, at least for a while.