Reaching Out for Someone Who Has Always Been There

Logically, for many grieving people, the holidays are difficult enough, especially the first season after someone important to them has died. But many are surprised to find that the new year doesn’t automatically bring an end to the emotional pain caused by the absence. If you're affected by those opening sentences, then read on.

In fact, it is after the holidays that the day-to-day reality of the now-missing person sets in, without the distraction of the mad swirl of shopping and family gatherings. It’s a time when emotions can get amped up and cause you to think that there’s something very wrong with you.

Rather than there being something wrong with you, what you may be feeling is the natural by-product of your attempt to adapt to the the very changed circumstances of your life. Learning to function the way you did before the death, while normal and healthy, is not always the smoothest and easiest transition in the world.

Many years ago, a grieving person told us, “My grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to discover when I needed her one more time, she's no longer there.”

Those poignant words have helped many people not feel as alone and lost as they often do in the time following the death of someone who meant so much in their life. And those words certainly can be helpful in establishing how normal it is to feel that way in the transitional time after the holidays

But other people’s words are not enough. In addition to taking actions to grieve and complete what the death left emotionally unfinished for you, it’s wise to find at least one person with whom you can talk openly and safely about the feelings you’re having as you try to move forward in your life. You can defeat the isolation of grief by participating in your own recovery.

For any of you who are concerned about a grieving family member or friend, please take the time to make yourself available to them. Let them know that the topic of grief is open and that you will listen without judgment. It may be the greatest gift you can give.

We'd like to respond to your last sentence: "Indeed, forgetting those whom we love is so difficult."

Forgetting someone you love is not possible, nor desirable.

The key is learning to take the actions of recovery that will help you become emotionally complete with that person, even though they are no longer physically here.

As a result of taking those actions, fond memories will no longer turn painful for you, and you'll be able to remember the person - and the relationship - the way you knew them in life, not only as you remember at the time of the death.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of "The Grief Recovery Handbook." The actions of Grief Recovery are detailed in the book.

It is really hard for people to understand grief. I lost my father last year, and my family is in another country, so I have to spend most of the holidays by myself, I'm good in manage my feelings but frends just talk to me like nothing happened, like I just lost my pet. A message for those who know someone in grief, is really be there for them and understand them, ask how they feel instead of be cold and distant.

Bundle just those three together and you’ve got a recipe for isolation for the griever, but, the people around the griever are using the same false ideas to indicate that they should leave you alone.

They don’t bring up the topic of your father’s death, thinking you “need your space” and you should or need to be alone [because they were learning the same lies you were.]

We can tell you a human truth related to those who are affected by the death of someone important to them: “grieving people want and need an opportunity to talk about what happened and about their relationship to the person who died. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to talk to you or me and not 24/7, but if we don’t give them the chance to talk about it, they wind up with the same lament that’s in your note.

Now, you may understand it a little better, but as we said, it doesn’t help you feel any better.