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Jolly Jocose Fellow or Mafia Hitman

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I question the motives of Santa Claus.

Is he the pristine jocose fellow we all adore with cookie crumbs crumbling on his red velvet getup, chimney soot on his white elf stitched gloves, and lactate caked like cheese in his beard or is he something a little more sinister. Every year he carries around “children’s playthings” or “toys” to all the “good” boys and girls, but come on are any of them really deserving of anything. “Good” is such a tepid transient word.

I mean he runs around in his fancy suped up turbo sled led by an alcoholic reindeer with a glowing red nose. And it’s obvious the rest of the reindeer gang, you know Dancer and Prancer and Donner and Blitzen, are all coke feigns. How else do you think they go around the whole damn world in one night?

You wanna know the truth? I think Santa started out as a cat burglar. You know since he slips into the house in the dead of night while everyone is sleeping with dreams of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and Pokemon creatures grind dancing in their heads that found a better profit model. He could easily steal that 40 inch flat screen, dvd player and that leather couch - just bag it and leave, but instead he leaves little trinkets behind. Actually, come to think of it I wonder what happened to that VCR I had. I swear I left it in my closet and where is my other white sock?

The trinkets, the wrapped presents, are calling cards- warnings actually. It’s just a little warning to let everyone know that the Fat Man can get in anytime, anywhere. The truth is Santa is really a hitman on the run as the suicide count runs way above normal during the holidays.It makes perfect sense doesn’t it? Take a picture of Marlon Brando and imagine him with a white beard and red suit and tell me he doesn’t look like all the pictures of Santas you’ve seen. Do you get it now? You see all the “Don’s” are “Santas,” the whole Santa Claus operation is a cover, all the little elves are just short Sicilians, and the whole darn toy industry is teamster run. The Mafia will never die! Like, duh.

Oh, you know that song about Grandma? Well, it’s real. You see Grandma was a loud Sicilian woman that COULDN’T KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT about the operation and said that she was going to go the FEDs ’cause her idiot brother was taken out. Now her brother was a sniveling, powder puffer who couldn’t keep the two carnal fucking rules, “You never rat on your friends and you always keep your mouth shut.”

Grandpa was sick and tired of his wife bitching and moaning around the holidays so he called in a favor. Don Santacristos got the call and Grandpa sent Grandma on a little errand down the street where he said some nice fur coats were. “Right over there!” he said to her and she just took her walker and waddled her fat ass down the snow covered road for some mint minks and foxy scarves. But you see, Don Santa was waiting behind the dumpster and when she approached, he put the leather to the fur backs and BAM! ran her fat, waddling, secrets spilling ass over.

Nine sets of hoof marks tattooed her hairy Sicilian ass so bad that they couldn’t even have an open casket during the wake. She shoulda kept quiet, but the whole family knew it was just business, nothing personal.Santa’s gotta pay the family you know and this is how he pad’s the mattresses. He is the ultimate hitman. No one expects it. I mean the toy running ring is the perfect cover. He can ho ho ho into someone’s house and slip them a pill or stangle them and make it look like the perfect suicide- very professional. Who would expect a jolly fat man to do it. Huh?

Oh, shit man, I hear jingle bells. I’ve gotta go, but I had to tell you the truth. Oh, no. I hear the sinister Ho ho ho-ing. I think it’s lights out time for me. Whenever you get a gift on Christmas remember that it has a price.

Merry Christmas to all and watch out for the fat man.

Dan

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About me

Daniel Gray is a Korean-American Adoptee that returned to Korea in 2005 to rediscover his roots. He is a Korean food expert that has appeared on Bizarre Foods, Parts Unknown with Anthony Bourdain and more. He does food tours, events, and consulting in Seoul and owns two restaurants: Brew 3.14 and Brew 3.15 in Seoul.