﻿NEXT HEALING WEEKEND: LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA ﻿﻿April 23/24 in Dulles, Virginia near Washington, D.C. Join me as we gather to share our stories and learn from professionals how to get on the road to healing. This will be another remarkable and memorable weekend for our Straight Sisters. The seminar is my gift to our women. The only charge is transportation, hotel (great group rate), and food. This will be a weekend that will dramatically change your life. Write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com for more information.

CONFUSION In any given week, I receive between 60 - 100 letters for help from women who are questioning their husbands' sexuality. The majority of women who write to me are not quite sure. They suspect, but they don't have actual "proof." Well, what "actual proof" means is that they haven't had a full confession from their husband or caught him in the act.Of course, the first thing I ask those who write to me is why they suspect that "gay" is the issue in their marriages. More often than not, I hear these words: "My husband says he is 'CONFUSED'." As soon as I hear the "C" word, I know the hopes of these women are about to be shattered--first by me, and then by their husbands.The "C Word"-- "CONfused"- is one step before the "B word" -- "Bisexual." You remember that "trendy" word that makes women feel they have "a 50/50 chance" of winning their husbands' love and affection if only they are better wives....better cooks....better housekeepers....lose excess pounds....devote more of their time to recognizing their husbands' needs and frustrations....shut up more than express their feelings....etc

I've come to learn from all of the mail I received from women that "confused" is much better than the word "bisexual" because it can mean a "random fleeting thought." triggered by some post-traumatic stress experience. It is usually followed by a standard story explaining the "confusion" comes from the husband's sexual abuse in his childhood by an uncle...brother....clergy man....cousin.....neighbor.....or teacher. Almost every account explains that it was a "one-time thing." One- time things can happen to anyone. But after one time, well, that could raise suspicions. One-time abuse stories jump starts the straight wife into action knowing that she can "fix it." After all, a one-time indiscretion is nothing more than a scary "confusing" memory from childhood that can fade just as quickly as it appeared. Right? Wrong!

It's taken me many years to find a way to explain this to women in a way that makes sense, but I finally can do it. Here are my thoughts. I know it makes you feel better to think that your husband is having gay thoughts because he was molested as a child. This certainly explains things away. And I mean "away" because you believe if you love him enough he will bury those memories--if it really is just because of the experience--and it will be gone forever. You truly believe the horrific sexual molestation is making your poor husband question his sexuality 30 years later.

Sadly, that logic makes no sense at all. Why would an experience as painful as sexual molesting make a man desire a penis? If anything, it would repel him. And if it wasn't a bad experience, and he's thinking about it now in your marriage to him--well, it's gay. Period. To say that a man who has been molested is now turned on by gay sex is the same as saying that a woman who was molested in childhood is going to want to find a man who will engage her fantasies of being raped, beaten, and chained. If molestation creates gay desires in men to be with men sexually, why not women to be with abusers?

It is said that one out of every four women will be abused at some point in her life, and I know that includes a number of our women reading this newsletter. I hardly think that you will look for men who are into bondage and discipline because you were molested. The same goes for men. One out of six men may have been molested as children. Why would they now as an adult fantasize about it? They wouldn't. I know men who have been molested when they were children who would try to kill a man who approached them in adulthood. They are not thinking about how sensual it was.

I'm not saying that all gay married men who claim they were molested as children are lying about it. Some of them are telling the truth--but not all. Some of the men I work with have told me they use that excuse to tell their wives because they think it will be easier for the wife to accept. In fact, a few men have told me that they learn about using this from other gay men's married groups which I won't mention here. Regardless of the reason, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that YOU understand that "confused" means you are doomed. You can spend years trying to "un-confuse" your husband, but it won't happen. Straight men are not confused--ever. They don't question their sexuality. They aren't fantasizing about a penis.

I always hate to be the bearer of bad news--but inevitably, it seems like I'm one of the only professionals who likes to tell it as it is. Save yourself years of hurt, frustration, sexual and emotional rejection, and money while you find therapists who promise to "fix" your husband. If your husband is confused, it means he wants a man. By the time he tells you, chances are he's already acted on it. At that point, he's not really "CONfused"--he's just trying to "CON you."

]]>Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:22:11 GMThttp://www.southfloridaconnects.com/bonnie-kaye-speaks/we-will-be-chatting-in-a-new-roomDear Members of the Support Chat group,As I mentioned to you, we will be chatting in a new room.Please use this link for the future chats by copying and pasting it into your browser: http://www.websitetoolbox.com/tool/chat/bonniekayesupportroomWhen you go to this site, you will be asked to register. When you register there, you'll be asked to pick a screen name. Since you have the opportunity to change your screen name for this chat, I would like to ask you to pick a first or middle name like Carly M. or Sally B. You can use your middle name if you prefer. It really gets difficult remembering nicknames that don' t have a personal connection to others. Names like "a woman scorned" or "mad as hell" get people mixed up. Next, after you are signed up, please email me back your screen name. Also include your city and/or state that I will NOT share with others. If you are in Canada or another part of the world, please let me know that as well. I know that the chat box is not as large as AOL's, but you'll be able to get on easily and pay attention as we move along! It doesn't matter what kind of computer you are using, and we don't have to depend on AOL. Also, you don't have to be invited in by me. You can enter on your own whenever you get there. You can also make arrangements with other support chat members to chat with them any time we are not in the chatroom for our Sunday chat.Shortly, I will be starting an "SOS" chat for women who have emergencies. If any of you or future members really are going through a bad day/week/life and need some extra support, all you have to do is email me and I will set up a time and send out an SOS to all of the members of our chat. If any of you are available at that time, you can join up to lend that support. So starting this week, we'll be using the Toolbox Chat Site. Please let me know when you are registered and if you have any problems accessing the site.Love, Bonnie]]>Wed, 18 Jul 2012 07:00:36 GMThttp://www.southfloridaconnects.com/bonnie-kaye-speaks/first-postWhen No One Really Understands...Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.,

The world recognized specialist in straight/gay relationship counseling for 24 years, is now available to work with you via telephone, a personal live private chat room, instant messaging, email, or in person when locality permits. Bonnie is the "go-to" person when media news stories need advice. She was a resource for Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Phil, Montel Williams, and Tyra Banks. She has recently appeared as a guest on CNN, FOX News, and Women's Entertainment Network as a professional counseling expert in this field.How you proceed in your marriage is your choice; however, she will help you find the right answers and give you the support you need on your journey.

Bonnie Kaye specializes in helping you through destructive relationships. She offers the following services: • The official Gay Husband checklist to help determine if your husband is gay. Free information and literature. Counseling for straight wives.• Free counseling for gay men who are ready to come out to their wives. Private counseling for straight wives or couples by phone or e-mail.Bonnie's Newsletter Archive