Faster than light, some haunting, some fleeting, some sweet, and some filled with sorrow, THOUGHTS are what make or break us. In search of my true self, a journal that deals with day-to-day things that leave their mark on me.. RACING THOUGHTS, my spoken and unspoken reflections!!
A full-time mom with mostly rusted professional skills, enjoying the blessing called lazy motherhood in United States. Whatever I am.. I AM LIKE THATTT ONLY!! నా ఇష్టం, నాకిష్టం.

Musically Sush

Foreword

There is neither a structure nor a texture to this blog. The subject matter can be anything and everything under the sky that I feel about at any given point that I happen to sit and blog rambling about everything in general. My thoughts and views are basically influenced by what I read, hear, gather, and ponder... if there is any copyright violation which I have not duly acknowledged, kindly let me know.

My world comprises of LO the little one, OA the other adult at home, kiddo the brother :)

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Apr 24, 2008

I am very touchy about the people in my life and with the sudden demise of amma, I cherish the remaining all the more... I already wrote aboutAmma HEREmy mom HEREKiddo (my bro) HERE

Now it is the turn of another man who means the most to me at the moment and I miss spending my time with him at the very end of his life.. yes, he is none other than my maternal grandfather, talking to whom reminds me of his better half, amma. He is very much fine as of now but we never know :((. I wake up at nights scared that something is wrong with his health suddenly and call him up the first thing in the morning to listen to his voice and assure myself that he is safe. When I am with him, I see him breathe when he is sleeping and want him to do that forever and ever.

I love him so dearly, much more so since he is alone and I feel guilty at times for having come so far for my own comfort ignoring him out there. I used to promise amma I will take care of him if something happened to her. I so wish I could be with him but being the practical person that he is, he wants me to be here and make a future for us and live happily.

He is 80 plus years old, very old, just like a ripe mango. One unique feature about him is his single tooth, yup.. he just has one tooth left and has refused adamently to get dentures fixed. It is a sight to watch him combing his hair or eating his food. One thing that I can give anything for is his toothless grin, with the one and only tooth shining through!!

Monditanaaniki maaru peru maa taatee.. He was diagnosed with heart disease around 10 years ago, complete 4-valve blockage, a severe condition.. on x-rays his heart is like a fully blown balloon ready to burst any time.. that was 10 years ago and is the same even today. He was advised a pacemaker and he plainly refused to have it done and took a promise not to waste a penny on his health or heart and yes, he is still surviving and he to me a walking miracle, like a glass doll. He used be a reckless and negligent guy in his youth, spoiled all the wealth he inherited in gambling, making movies, etc. and the children now are left with those memories of him abandoning them for years together to the mercy of relatives or to fend for themselves. With amma gone, he is all alone, no one to talk to, no one to go to.

There are 3 sons in the same village, but no one to take care of him. They say let him come to our house and eat.. what the hell, if you care enough, how can he walk all the way and even if he does, how can he bear the taunts of the DILs behind his son's back, just a curry once in a while or a hi and hello some time.. huhh!!! how can we be so heartless!!!! Agreed he has a couple of maids coming and cleaning and cooking for him but what they cook is a messy stuff :(((. I so wish I were there and keep him with me.

One thing I admire the most about him is his independence, even today he does not take a single penny from anyone, earns on his own, does the gardening, sells coconuts and bananas from his garden. For my attammas or mamayyas, it is a "paruvu takkuva pani" what the hell, anything and everything is fine unless you steal or kill some one. At this age, in his condition, he works in the garden, planting, watering, and creating water paths every single day and if he sells it what is wrong. I dont feel insulted to sit near him, neither do I ask him to stop that because I know he is happy doing that, happy looking at people who come and talk to him when buying the coconuts, feel satisfied that he is still working, feel good about him in general rather than stick to bed and just watch TV.

I am proud of him no matter what he does. I dont care what he did in his youth. All I see now is a man in a ripe old age, mourning his caring and loving wife, battling his health issues, not living on anyone's alms but his own hard-earned money. He is content with what he has, he wants to earn till his last breath, not take anything from anyone or go to the son's house and live like an unloved stray dog.

Love you tatayya and miss you sooooooo much. I love the way you scold me for calling ISD and wasting the money. I love the way you shout at me for having tears in my eyes when talking to you. I love the way you are for what you are and it breaks my heart when I see you wiping your tears looking at amma's pic. I know you know her value now a lot more than you used to but I also know that you more than made up for what you did in your youth by taking the best care of her in old age, that is being able to live in your own place and not depending on anyone thereby sparing from all the insults she had been having throughout her life. I am proud of you taatee and please please please continue to breathe... slowly, steadily, but for a little longer.. I will be broken without you beyond repair!!

hats off to tattya...im sure he is as proud of his granddaughter as she is of him :)

i wish he would read this post of urs...im sure that would have sparked an amazing one-toothed grin :)i respect him for deciding to work and i cant help but say i hatee his sons for treating him the way they are :(

Hi Sush, Your post was really touching. I miss you! You aren't showing up on my IM for some reason...email me at jeannie@careerstep.com with your AIM or yahoo ID so I can add you back on here, cause I miss talking to you!!

Hello, my sunshine! I miss talking to you! I can't figure out why you disappeared off my IM, but email me and send me your yahoo id again and let me add you back. Wanted to talk to you and see how you are doing!

Hi Sush, Your post was really touching. I miss you! You aren't showing up on my IM for some reason...email me at jeannie@careerstep.com with your AIM or yahoo ID so I can add you back on here, cause I miss talking to you!!

For Evil Eyes on LO

About Me

Determined, strong, eccentric, irregular, crazy, candid, sweet, spicy, naughty, nutty, kind, rigid, soft, calm, considerate, stubborn, sensible yet way too sensitive than expected despite a tough exterior.. On the whole a bit of everything and above all A SURVIVOR!!!
A simple complex individual who has an opinion on everything in general and does nothing about anything in particular. A perfectly imperfect one-piece item in the whole wide world ;).