Kobe Bryant’s Homosexual Slur Leaves Many Americans Despondent

LOS ANGELES – Toni Timberlake sat on the patio of his favorite West Hollywood Starbucks gloomily sipping his third Iced Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha. As community members sauntered down Santa Monica Blvd, he observed that their steps were missing their usual fun-loving bounce. Their faces, normally filled with lusty eagerness and anticipation, lacked expression, as if being dragged down by the heavy weight of dismay. Their eyes, on most days sparkling with the vibrancy of desire and expectancy, today seemed hollow and vacant. For Toni, the day wasn’t just heavy with sadness, but bloated with disappointment and confusion.

“Here we are just days away from the start of the NBA play-offs and I could barely even get out of bed this morning,” he told The Daily Rash. “I have a soreness in my heart because I feel personally betrayed by a certain player on my Lakers who disappointed me on a level so deep that I’ve even cancelled the dinner reservations I had…” he broke off his statement and sipped his beverage. “I’m sorry,” he said, looking off in the distance, “I can’t do this right now.” Toni got up and found a table in the corner where he sat alone with his back to everyone else.

During a game against the San Antonio Spurs on Tuesday night, Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant yelled “fuc*ing faggot!” in the direction of referee Bennie Adams. Television cameras were not able to shield viewers from reading Kobe’s lips as he angrily sat on the bench and violently threw a towel on the floor. After witnessing the moment, families around the nation have sought counseling for their children, some wondering if their wounds will ever heal.

Kahill Doogan, a gay man living in Santa Monica, told The Daily Rash that when he read Kobe’s lips during the game he suddenly became aware that everything he thought he knew, was wrong. All that he believed came crashing down around him so violently that his positive thoughts were destroyed and immediately replaced with negative thoughts.

“In the blink of an eye, my world crumbled!”

Kobe Bryant’s publicist claims that his client was not aware of the magnitude his inadvertent words of frustration during a competitive basketball game might have on some people. He said that from now on Kobe will make sure the cameras are not on him before he says anything.

Ethan Burnett lives with his family in Silver Lake. He spoke with The Daily Rash outside a child counseling center in Los Feliz.

“My teenaged son and daughter and I were spending quality time watching a wholesome basketball game and eating healthy snacks. What Kobe Bryant said not only ruined our night together but it totally erased the years my wife and I have spent teaching our children tolerance and respect. Just ripped it away! Now, not only do we have to start from the beginning, but we have to pay for the costly counseling that our therapist says could last for years. Thanks Kobe!”

Hancock Park Lesbian couple, Darnett Snardsdale and Rufina O’Shaghnessey, told The Daily Rash that witnessing a gay slur on television during their “family hour” sent shock waves through their world.

“Darnett and I are former high school basketball players, so you can imagine what it did to our self-esteem when Kobe Bryant used a derogatory term that reduced us to objects of ridicule and scorn,” Rufina hissed.

“When I saw Rufina’s reaction to Kobe’s slur the other night all I could think to do was hold her tight,” Darnett added. “Afterward we went to an AA meeting and wept like broken soldiers. We are lucky to have a support group we can lean on.”

Kandii Snodgrass lives with her husband and junior high school aged twin-boys in Carrboro, North Carolina. Kandii said that she and her husband spend their free time teaching their boys tolerance and acceptance along with self-sacrifice and recycling. She told The Daily Rash that one of their sons’ friends might be gay.

“We’ve noticed that he has tendencies that are more feminine than the other boys. He’s more sensitive and he enjoys shopping and gossip. We’ve gone out of our way to make him feel at home in our house, to the extent that my husband has even taken showers with him. After Kobe Bryant’s moment of hate, what’s to stop our kids from misinterpreting and calling their own father a fag?”

Kandii gasped and clasped her hand over her mouth. “I cannot believe I just said that!”

Lambert Sullivan, a nursing student at USC, expressed his discontent to The Daily Rash:

“All I know is my summer has come crashing down around me! Ruined! I’d planned to make this the best summer ever and now because of Kobe Bryant I don’t even know who I am anymore!” Lambert cried. “Who am I? Do I live in America? Huh? Not the America I thought I lived in! Where is my America?”

After Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 by the NBA, several members of Congress have shown interest in officially adding the second F word to the already established B, C, N and F words that cause people intolerable pain when pronounced.