NYC single mommy; Three time Columbia University Alumna (BA in Psychology; MA and EdM in Psychological Counseling); Educator and Adjunct Professor by day, Freelance Writer/Lifestyle Blogger by night; Stylista at heart; Kids fashion is my thing. My life is filled with all things pink (and purple), except for the one bit of blue -- my rambunctious 7-year-old son; Perfect combo of sweet, chic, edgy, and badass. Small gal with big dreams and determined to #walkbyfaith

Friday, September 25, 2015

Calling On The Village

Aiden: Can I have a piece of cake?

Me: No. You're not getting dessert. You have to have dinner because I need to feed you, but dessert is a treat. One that you didn't earn today. So no. No dessert.

This was the conversation that I had with Aiden earlier this week. He had a rough day at school. Another rough day at school. And so, in a moment of what-shall-I-do-about-this-issue coupled with complete frustration, I told Aiden that he earned a consequence of no dessert.

I'm doing everything for him! Everything! How could he act this way?! What am I doing to deserve this?! All of my money is going to his schooling and babysitting and extracurricular activities! All of my time goes to taking him to visit new places and experience new things. All of my energy goes to making sure he's safe and loved and happy! How. Could. He. Do. This. To. Me?!

Yes, that was my thought process that evening. I'm human, forgive me.

And then it hit me. It's not about me. It's not about what Aiden's doing to me. It's about Aiden's thoughts and feelings about himself and his life. And it's about his coping mechanisms.

So I had to take a step back. And remind myself that he's feeling pretty powerless right now and trying really hard to get some power back. So I'm trying to help him.

I'm trying to stay patient. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to find ways to give him options. And to feel empowered.

But...

I have to admit. It's not easy. It hasn't been easy. At times, it's been downright difficult. And very exhausting.

"Take things away from him," some people say. "Punish him," other folks say. "Give him a consequence at home," someone else said. "Give him a beating," someone else said.

Sigh.

I'm trying to explain to folks that I can't fix Aiden's behavior -- or help him fix his behavior -- without helping him understand where the behavior is coming from. That's the underlying issue here. I can take as many things away from him as possible and it still won't fix his behavior because I'm not addressing the actual issue.

I want to instill character in him. And discipline. And self-control. I want him to be happy and emotionally healthy. I want others to see in him what I see in him -- a loving and caring and sweet boy with lots of potential. I want them to know that he's a pretty good kid. Because he is.

So I've been reaching out. And asking the male mentors for help. Because, although I'm a single parent to him, I don't have to parent alone. To me, Aiden's in a crisis. And to me, this is an emergency. One that requires reaching out and praying and asking for help and showing him even more love and affection than I normally would.

2 comments:

Watching them figure their little lives out while remembering not to freak our ourselves is probably one of the most daunting tasks in mommy hood right?? Not sure of the time already spent but would the Mr consider taking over a bit right now? It's incredible what the male voice can get across that even Mommy in all her amazingness just can't! I'm sure Baby Delicious needs the break too! Good luck Mommg, I'm still cheering for you and praying for the team!