I’ve been writing about guilt and how it hurts our lives. It gives other people power over your life and happiness. Often your choice to assuming guilt is a lose/lose situation.

You lose if you give in to what the person makes you feel guilty about, such as canceling your plans to help them, loaning money you don’t want to (and know you probably won’t get back), giving a referral about someone you don’t really trust, etc. Guilt makes you do things you don’t want to. That makes you unhappy.

You lose if you don’t give in to what the person wants from you if you let guilt take over. That too makes you unhappy.

The Law of Attraction means you get back what you put out. If you put out that you’re accepting a mindset that brings unhappiness, you attract more unhappiness, probably in the form of more guilt. Why do that??! It brings nothing good. The people who make you feel guilty aren’t satisfied with one time. Guilt can be an ongoing process:

* Mom may moan about how much she needs you to call and visit her more, do things her way, raise your kids according to her standards, dress differently, attend functions you hate and a gazillion other demands on your time, beliefs or desires that you don’t want. It gets worse if she pulls the “woe is me” card. But it won’t change with you feeling guilt, which tells the Universe you need to be punished, even if you’re not sure why. So you continue to be punished with more guilt, or letting it make you give in to Mom when you don’t want to.

* Your romantic partner may blame you for his abuse, for her not wanting sex, or for all their ills. “If you didn’t____, I wouldn’t be in such bad shape.” Fear of losing love or companionship or sex makes us assume the guilt they throw. It’s so wrong! That tells the Universe your partner is justified in making you feel at fault, so the guilt, and unhappiness continue to come to you.

* Your boss thinks you should work all the time—late during the week and even on some weekends. If you don’t go along you’re not dedicated to the company. So you feel guilty for wanting to spend more time with your family, or just getting enough sleep. And guilt sets in like a black cloud over your life. When you work longer, anger is generated. If you leave on time, you’re guilty. Lose/lose. Guilt tells the Universe that you believe you should work more. So they cycle continues—working more than is fair to ask for or feeling guilty during your time off. The Universe supports your belief that you should work more to please your boss by creating more “opportunities” to work longer hours.

* Your friend always counts on you to drop her kids off informal babysitting or to fix his car—even though it limits your free time and isn’t reciprocated. If you say no, you’re made out to be a bad friend. She complains you’re screwing up her meeting, since she can’t bring her kids. He digs that you know how to fix cars and he doesn’t so you should help him. Until you squash your guilt by accepting that just because you can do something, you don’t have to—and, people can be hired to baby sit or fix a car or whatever else you’re needed for—the Universe will keep sending you more requests.

Guilt tells the universe that you’re wrong, so you attract more of that. The more that’s requested of you, the more guilt—a vicious guilty cycle that only YOU can break. The ONLY thing that can break that cycle is setting boundaries, which creates a different dynamic! Making your needs important changes the energy you put out and attracts more positive goodies.

If you don’t want to do something, don’t, and tell yourself it’s okay! Put out the message that you’re taking care of you.

If the actions you deem in your best interest get accusations of guilt, affirm that you’re doing nothing wrong.

We attract what we put out. Walking around with guilt brings more of the stuff that creates guilt. Saying no WITHOUT guilt shows you know that it’s okay to make your own decisions about what’s right and wrong. That attracts more acceptance, and folks will get used to the new and improved, guilt-free YOU! The people who continue to hurl guilt bullets should feel guilty about their unfair expectations of what you can give.

When you own the belief that you’re entitled to decide what’s right for you, even if others disagree, you’ll have the Law of Attraction on your side to support keeping guilt out of your head. It lightens up the darkness of your life that guilt creates.

So let the light of guilt-free shine! The Law of Attraction will shine good stuff back to make you feel even better.

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About Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Welcome to my self-empowerment blog. I used to be a wimp and never got taken seriously. When I became one of the first women to start a record label, I learned to navigate the male dominated music industry and earned respect, without raising my voice or getting overtly tough. I transferred those skills into all areas of life and now get what I want from most people. I'll share those lessons here by talking about my observations of situations and habits that hold both men and women back from being as empowered as possible. I'll also give tips for more effective communication, handling yourself with more confidence, and in general, how to come across as more serious--whether it's at work, dealing with an annoying phone company, your mother, a romantic partner and anyone else you want to feel more in control with. Everybody can use more tools for taking control of their lives, like in my latest book, Nice Girls Can Finish First.

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Daylle Deanna Schwartz

Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement™ where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men¹s Health.

After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal!

Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.