Ideally
We learn how to prevent those past events from shaping and/or defining our current and future life.

But what about those pesky, lingering major regrets?
(Has that special eraser been invented yet?)

Hide and Seek
Many of us feel the urge to run and hide from painful regrets.
Do you?
Is your typical run and hide method swallowing down feelings with food, alcohol, prescription meds or ... (fill in your usual go-to activity)?
Or
Is your specialty transferring your hurt and anger onto someone or something else? Who? What?

Best Way
The best way to handle regrets is to embrace them.
Huh? Doesn't it sound counter intuitive?
You already know running and hiding does not help.
Also you know, in most cases, it just makes everything worse.

Q&A

Question:
Why would we want to embrace our regrets?Answer:
Because it works.Question:
How do we embrace our regrets?Answer:
For a very limited* amount of time, we immerse ourselves into the feelings triggered by the regrets.Question:
How?Answer:
A Swamp Goddess Pity Party

CAUTION* Alloted time for Pity Party is limited to no more than one hour per each regret.
- It should not take more than one hour to acknowledge, confront and then release regrets and emotions linked to them.
- You have spent years, probably decades, carrying these regrets. Enough!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Swamp Goddess Pity Parties are formal events.
They must be planned, with a specific objective, theme and healing outcome. (Dress is optional).
Detailed directions for Swamp Goddess Pity Parties are provided in Help! I Am Surrounded by Bitches: The Swamp Goddess Guide to Friendship Frenzy Amid Menopausal Mayhem and Aging Angst. (available soon).

UNHOMEWORK
Make a decision - Seriously???
A multiple choice question (my inner prof showing up again) will ease the decision making process.
1. Choose one of the following:
a) release regrets - You're done!
b) hold on to regrets for another ----- years (fill in how many). Why?
c) keep some regrets; let go of others (specify those that stay and those that go). Why?
d) can't/won't deal with this now. OK, indicate a better time. Why?

HELPFUL HINTS
We have already established the double milestone® is the perfect time to move forward and live The Swamp Goddess lifestyle (see posts 9, 10, 11).
The 'why' portion of each Unhomework question is essential to moving forward.
Take your time with 'why'. It is important to clarify your reasoning and/or confront your excuses.
Your may be surprised (along with various other emotions) to discover your reasoning (old excuses) no longer works. Good!

MORE HELPFUL HINTS
If you cannot let go of your regrets and are stuck in the hurt and anger from long ago events, take the Swamp Goddess approach to healing.
We take care of ourselves in order to live our best lives.
Getting help* from a well- qualified professional, if needed, is a wonderful double milestone gift to yourself.
*Professional help (therapy/counseling)
It is not:
- a magical cure that makes all our problems vanish.
- an indication/admission we have a serious mental health disorder.
It is:
- an acknowledgment that, at certain times and for specific issues, an objective, trained professional can be a valuable/effective guide.

STILL MORE HELPFUL HINTS
Midlife memos is a weekly blog.
If you click on 'followers' or 'subscribe' you will automatically receive each new one.
Or
Just come back to www.midlifememos.com

Are you regretting events, encounters and decisions from your past?
Are you kidding!!!

Back in the old days of our youth:
- Most of our regrets seemed manageable (except the bad ones - obviously).
- Many were attributed to bad choices and silly mistakes (plenty of those).
- We were able to chalk them up to our being too young, naive and/or inexperienced to know better (although at the time we were so sure we knew it all).

And now in the double milestone® days: - Regrets seem to pop up regularly like an uninvited guest, often interrupting an otherwise pleasant day.
- More than ever before, we dwell on the past - or does it just feel that way?
- Some regrets fill us with longing; others with real pain.

How often do you begin (or end) your thoughts of the past with:
I woulda...; I shoulda...; I coulda...; If only...???

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Doesn't the slogan "If only I knew then what I know now..." finally make so much sense?
But really:
Would you really have done ... WHAT?
Should you really have done ... WHAT?
Could you really have done ... WHAT?
If only... WHAT?

Actually, we don't know - that's what compels us to conjure up our alternate universes.

NEXT WEEK'S TOPICREGRETS, REGRETS, REGRETSWHERE CAN I STASH THEM?... many of us feel the urge to run and hide from painful regrets...

HELPFUL HINTS
If you cannot let go of your regrets and are stuck in the hurt and anger from long ago events, take the Swamp Goddess approach to healing.
We take care of ourselves in order to live our best lives.
Getting help* from a well-qualified professional*, if needed, is a wonderful double milestone gift to yourself.

*Professional help (therapy/counseling)
It is not:
- a magical cure that makes all our problems vanish.
- an indication/admission we have a serious mental health disorder.
It is:
- an acknowledgment that, at certain times and for specific issues, an objective, trained professional can be a valuable guide.

MORE HELPFUL HINTS
Midlife memos is a weekly blog.
If you click on 'subscribe' or 'followers' you will automatically receive each new one.
Or
Just come back to www.midlifememos.com

LIFE REVIEW
- Is your mind replaying events that happened 10, 20 or even 40 years ago?
- Are you preoccupied with misgivings concerning how you handled them?
- Do you feel sorrow because you imagine a long ago decision, or a road not taken, could have changed the direction of your life?
- Perhaps you are cringing at memories of how you allowed yourself to be mistreated?
- Or are you haunted by the memory of how you mistreated others?

'Life Reviews' are a hallmark of the double milestone® and surface often during menopausal mayhem and aging angst.

Do you imagine traveling back through time and having a do-over, because now you know the perfect words to say, the right things to do and the flawless ways to act?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
It's times like these that a rewind button sounds wonderful.
Or not?
Do you really want to go back?

UNHOMEWORK
What is your 'road not taken'?
In what ways do you imagine your current life would be different if long ago you traveled that 'road not taken'?

NEXT WEEK'S TOPIC
Regrets, Regrets, Regrets
AKA: Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda: If Only...
During the double milestone, regrets seem to pop up regularly like an uninvited guest, often interrupting...

HELPFUL HINTS
This is the first in our 'Regrets' series.
As we progress, you may realize letting go is difficult because you are stuck in the hurt and/or anger from long ago events.
If so, take the Swamp Goddess approach to healing.
We take care of ourselves in order to live our best lives.
Getting help* from a well-qualified professional, if needed, is a wonderful double milestone gift to yourself.
*Professional help (therapy/counseling)
Is not:
- a magical cure that makes all our problems vanish. (if only)
- an indication/admission we have a serious mental health disorder.
It is:
- an acknowledgement that, at certain times and for specific issues, an objective, trained professional can be a valuable, effective guide.

MORE HELPFUL HINTS
Midlife Memos is a weekly blog.
If you click on 'followers' or 'subscribe' you will automatically receive each new one.
Or
Just come back to www.midlifememos.com

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Goddesses Everywhere
Some of you are so over the whole goddess thing.
I know. So was I.
And then, remarkably and quite unexpectedly, I was transformed to Swamp Goddess. It's turned out to be a wonderful, life-altering gift.

Goddesses Everyplace
What changes, other than the usual physical ones, are you experiencing as you journey through the double milestone® of menopause and midlife?
I'm sure, by now, you have noticed a change in your perspective.
This particular shift affects what and how we 'see'.
Specifically, we 'see' events and people (even those closest to us) through a new lens.
Let's name it the Swamp Goddess lens.
In what ways does how you now 'see' affect you and your relationships?

Goddesses EverytimeDouble milestoners have varied reactions to what we 'see' through this lens.
Our fluctuating moods complicate, or perhaps clarify, the situation.
On any given day or (let's be honest), moment, we are:
- irritated
- pleased
- annoyed
- amused
- saddened
- etc. etc. etc.
But...we are NOT MOODY!

When we assume the Swamp Goddess persona, it acknowledges this internal shift and change of perspective.
Adopting The Swamp Goddess lifestyle is the next step.
Both facilitate the journey through the double milestone and beyond.
And so, I'm going for it - Swamp Goddess for life!

FOOD FOR THOUGHTUnfortunately we do not immediately assume The Swamp Goddess persona, adopt The Swamp Goddess lifestyle and have an automatic transformation.
If I had a magic wand and could make that happen, I would gladly do so.
Actually, it is a process that happens in stages. And, we have just completed the introductory stage.
Stay tuned.

NEXT WEEK'S TOPIC
Regrets, Regrets, Regrets
AKA: The Road Not Taken
Is your mind replaying events that happened 10, 20 or even 40 years ago...

HELPFUL HINTS
This concludes the introductory portion of the MidlifeMemos on-line course.
We are just getting started.
New class: Transitions.
The next few postings will focus on 'pondering our regrets'. Ugh.
Yeah we have to go there.
Regrets are a major component of menopausal mayhem and aging angst. Double Ugh.

Midlife memos is a weekly blog.
If you click 'followers' or 'subscribe' you will automatically receive each new one.
Or
Just come back to www.midlifememos.com

Thursday, April 1, 2010

WELCOME TO MIDLIFE MEMOS
THE SWAMP GODDESS®GUIDE TO MENOPAUSAL MAYHEM AND AGING ANGST
BLOG #10 by Wendy Kyman, Ph.D.
BUT WHAT EXACTLY IS A SWAMP GODDESS?

DESCRIPTION
The Swamp Goddess persona is a strategy designed to unlock our inner wisdom, assess and, if necessary, change patterns of behavior.

GOAL
When we conduct our Life Review at age 95, we can triumphantly exclaim 'No Regrets"!

PLANIdentify what we want
Let go of what we don't
And
Know the difference

WE HAVE TRIED
We have read zillions of self-help books, watched and listened to endless talk shows advising us on ways to live our best lives by loving, respecting, taking care of ourselves, yada, yada, yada... ad nauseum.

SADLY
For too many of us, these books and shows have not eliminated the feelings of guilt, even selfishness, that surface if we choose what we want, rather than what others want of us.

EVEN WORSE
Lots of double milestone®women are still struggling to identify precisely what we want. We just don't know.
Or, we do know, but are frozen with fear of what change will bring.
Why keep repeating the same behaviors over and over again and then expect, hope, even plead for different results?
It's time for a new strategy.

ISN'T IT AMAZING
Countless women do not live our lives as if we actually love, respect and take care of ourselves. BUT, we are very adept at loving, respecting and taking care of others.

PERFECT TIMING
The double milestone is the perfect time to finally go after what we want.
Stay tuned as the Swamp Goddess journey unfolds.

BY THE WAY
A number of you may jump right in and quickly adopt The Swamp Goddess persona.
Others will be a bit more cautious and take things slowly.
Whatever way you go - just go.
Begin by making a commitment to yourself.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Some of us may interpret being kind to ourselves as being unkind to others. No!
A few may worry that taking care of ourselves is being selfish and neglectful of others. No!
Adopting The Swamp Goddess lifestyle does not mean we become cruel or hurtful to others.
In fact, it is quite the opposite.
It means we stop being cruel, hurtful and neglectful to ourselves.

UNHOMEWORK
Imagine viewing your life through freshly minted Swamp Goddess glasses.
List specific changes you want to make.
- Short term - (how short is short?)
- Long term - (how long is long?)
What obstacles and/or fears hold you back from making changes NOW?
And, of course, the well known question - If not now, when?

NEXT WEEK'S TOPIC
Adopting The Swamp Goddess Lifestyle
Some of you are so over the whole goddess thing. I know, I was also until...

HELPFUL HINTS
Midlife memos is a weekly blog.
If you click 'followers' or 'subscribe' you will automatically
receive each new one.
Or
Just come back to www.midlifememos.com

Dr. Wendy Kyman

ABOUT MIDLIFE MEMOS

An entertaining blend of practical knowledge, relatable anecdotes and effective solutions designed to inform, inspire and guide women's journey through the double milestone of menopause and midlife. The Swamp Goddess lifestyle will be encouraged.