Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Uncle Freddy threatens Jason for allowing the winning goal and costing him $20

I've finally finished watching all the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th movies and I feel great. I won't lie, it hasn't always been a fun adventure. And I definitely won't be getting any other horror movie series from NetFlix any time soon. But it's almost over and there's a certain sense of accomplishment, no matter how small it actually is. So to finish my committments, I present my review of Freddy vs Jason.

The movie opens with Freddy banished to hell trying to find a way out to terrorize the kids on Elm Street. Apparently Freddy has been forgotten, which means he is powerless. Sure this contradicts all the previous movies, but that seems about right. More on this later. They proceed to then show a greatest hits of Freddy from the other movies. Freddy then informs us he found someone in hell to make him relevant again. You guessed it, that person was Jason. So Freddy gets into Jason's dreams as his mother and convinces him to come back to life and go to Elm Street and start murdering kids. More definitely on this later.

So Jason somehow gets to Elm Street where he begins killing. This causes the local police to suspect Freddy, but they can't say anything. See, they removed all memory of Freddy, which somehow prevents him from being able to have powers along Elm Street. Two guys in a mental hospital escape since they recognized the house where the first killing occurred and want to make sure the girl is ok. Seems they knew about Jason and were put into a mental hospital which administers drugs to prevent them from dreaming.

Slowly it leaks out that Freddy is the suspected killer which causes the kids to start seeing Freddy in their dreams. Apparently Freddy feeds off the fear of children and it's their increasing fear that finally gives him back his powers. This causes a power struggle between Jason and Freddy as the bodies pile up. The kids return to the mental hospital to obtain some of the dream inhibitor drug and Jason happens to show up. Freddy then takes over the body of one teen and fills Jason full of tranquilizers. The teens then decide it's a good idea to transport Jason back to Crystal Lake and pull Freddy out of their dream so the two can battle and they can leave.

Well, Freddy comes out of the dreams and Jason awakens. Needless to say, they proceed to battle (after an initial battle in Jason's dreams). And everyone but the main couple gets obliterated by either Jason or Freddy. Surprisingly, Freddy holds his own against Jason, cutting off his fingers. And just as Freddy is about to kill the final couple, Jason emerges from the lake and puts Freddy's glove through his chest. The couple then decapitates Freddy. The couple then survives. At the very end, we see Jason emerging from the lake holding Freddy's head in his hand as Freddy winks at the camera.

This movie was not nearly as bad as I was expecting. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't good. But I was expecting Jason X bad. This is probably the 3rd best Freddy movie and probably the 6th best Jason movie. The rating - Generic Slasher. Onto the fun stuff.

The opening with Freddy contradicts earlier movies. I hate to belabor the point but please don't treat your diehard fans like this. It's a little excusable in this instance as the movie was heavily hyped and was made for the purpose of introducing a new audience to Jason and Freddy. Still, they could have done this AND been true to the earlier movies.

The opening with Freddy makes no sense. The idea is that no one remembers Freddy which is why he has no powers. Well, I'm not a teenager anymore. But I think if a burned up guy with knives for hands showed up repeatedly in my dreams I may start to fear him. See, Freddy never said he couldn't enter dreams. He just had no power to hurt people. In Part I, none of the children knew who Freddy was but he was able to enter their dreams and kill them. But now he can't because the children don't know him? Makes no sense.

The opening with Jason explains nothing. At the end of Jason 9, Jason was sent to hell. At the beginning of Freddy vs Jason, Freddy enters Jason's dream as his mother and convinces him to become alive, leave his grave, head to Elm Street, and start killing. What? First off, I guess this shows that the dead dream. Second, if Jason was really in hell would he still remain in the same grave? Third, if Jason is an unstoppable killing machine and had the ability to leave his grave, I'm guessing he would without Freddy. He doesn't seem to lack motivation.

How does Jason get to Elm Street? Is it close enough for him to walk or does he steal a car or ride a bike or take a bus? Wouldn't that make for an interesting story or at least provide a few deaths.

How close is Elm Street to Crystal Lake? Well, the teens know it's close enough to Elm Street to drive and they know the way. So why would the police and community not recognize the hockey masked killer as Jason? At least we know Haddonfield, IL can't be close to Elm Street and Crystal Lake.

How do these idiot teens fall asleep so easily. I believe one person was actuall walking and then fell into sleep as Freddy started chasing them. These kids just fall asleep at the drop of a hat. That may be their real problem. Forget about the psycho dream killer, let's get these kids some nurishment and exercise or get them off the drugs.

Where does Jason stay during the day? At least in Crystal Lake he had his shack to kick back and relax and he had the woods to roam and hide from people. In this movie, he's out in the burbs. I'm thinking it would be a lot harder to hide there. Throw in the fact that he's a decomposing 60 year old corpse wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete, I would hope someone would notice. And the news did report on the murder of the teens so you think if anyone saw Jason they would call the cops. Weird.

After they escape from the mental hospital, the one dude has his brother's car and it's parked in a driveway. How exactly did he get his brother's car? Was it left in a secret location for an instance when he really needed it? And who's house did he park the car at? If the owners did not know him, wouldn't they complain? If it was a friend or relative, wouldn't the cops think to look there for an escaped mental patient?

Why would the idiot teens try to transport Jason by themselves to Crystal Lake? I think they would at least call the police if not the FBI. And if Jason is really dead, how do tranquilizers work on him? I know I wouldn't transport a regular killer no matter how much tranquilizer I had. If the killer happened to be an unstoppable killing machine that was a corpse I would run as far away as possible.

The big party is a rave out in a field. Are raves still hip? Seems like another example of being 10 years behind the trend. But I'm not a teen anymore so maybe I'm wrong.

After the massacre at the rave, the teens decide to drive home and call it a night. WHAT??? It never crossed their minds to get the police involved after they witnessed Jason savagely murder 10+ friends? And they thought sleep was a good idea, as if the killings had no impact on them?

The fight between Freddy and Jason is extremely ridiculous and very unsatisfying. Once Freddy was brought into the real world, he should be killed in maybe 10 seconds by Jason. But he lasts forever and it's debateable whether he actually would have killed Jason if not for the teens. And he didn't even use the misdirection tactics that are the only things that seem to bring Jason down.

In fight between Freddy and Jason, Freddy use water against Jason. He learns that Jason is afraid of water. The question is, WTF? Jason is often found killing teens in the lake, jumping out at their boat. And he swam to Manhattan after the ship blew up. Once again, there's no reason to make stuff up and piss off your fans. Terrorize him with his mother - it worked in Part 2.

The 2 guys at the beginning may be the dumbest, creepiest teens ever captured on film. They are that bad.

The main chick is very hot, which may have kept me more interested than I should have been.

Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child may be the worst actress of all time. Even for a generic horror movie, she was standout brutal.