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Monday, January 26, 2009

Why I dont date

This is another email from a friend of mine. Its probably one of the funniest (and true!) emails Ive read about real dog people. Enjoy!

You know you've waited too long to find a mate when:--you think stripping is something you do to a terrier--you meet a guy named Bob and instantly visualize purple and goldrosettes--you think nothing about loudly discussing studs and bitches in a fancy restaurant--the first thing you notice about a guy is what breed of dog he has (ABSOLUTELY!)--your biggest turn-off is a guy with an obnoxious untrained dog (THATS THE TRUTH!)--you have ever ruled out a guy as a prospective date based on the breed of dog he owns (MANY TIMES!)--you dismiss all the guys your mother introduces you to as "not breeding quality"--you never could stick to a diet to impress a guy, but you can do it to get through that TDX track--your only nice jewelry features either dogs, dumbbells, or rosettes (or agility jumps equipment!)--you have a video on how to artificially inseminate your dog but last watched a dirty movie in junior high school--when you talk about "scoring" you mean how you did at last weekend's obedience/agility trial--your dog has more letters after his name than the last ten guys you've dated, and actually completed obedience school--you think that maybe your current guy has potential if you use the proper combination of positive reinforcement and the occasional well timed ear pinch--you "people watch" at the mall by making mental lists of the conformational faults each passer-by has to contribute to the gene pool--you think if you ever did marry and have children that you wouldn'thave to buy a playpen because you already have an extra x-pen. And why buy a crib?? Crates are cheaper and they're enclosed on all sides (But TRUE dog people are reading this and thinking "children? ICK!!")--you give all of your married friends child-rearing advice based on your extensive background in dog training--your mother's worst fear is that you'll have a child and make it wear a pinch collar--your mother's second worst fear is you'll get married and your dog will be in the wedding party (No, this isnt my mothers worst fear, as she already knows this is a given)--you actually have friends whose dogs HAVE been part of the wedding party--when your cousin tells you how much her wedding costs you think how many show-quality puppies that could buy you (wedding coming up in Sept!)--all of your friends always include your dog in any invitation they issue to you. Of course, you reciprocate because you only have doggy friends left....the others have stopped inviting you places because you insist on bringing the dog!--when you read the personal ads you skip past the vital statistics and rule out any that don't say "animal lover"--you know your dog's cholesterol but not your own--when you lament to your friends about chronic yeast infections, they know you're talking about your dog's ears--you last had a professional portrait done for your high school graduation, but you just spent 50% of your dog's purchase price having his done by the best canine photographer in the country--you and your dog use the same kind of hairbrush, and you never can keep straight whose is whose--you spend 8 hours grooming your dog for a show the day before, and1.25 minutes ponytailing your hair the morning of the show.--you think that people with bad bites shouldn't be allowed to breed--your mother is ecstatic to see you browsing the aisle with the haircoloring, after hounding you for three years to try highlighting to be disappointed when she finds you are looking for peroxide to"touch up" your Clumber's drool marks--when someone mentions single bars, you wonder if they are talking about utility or agility jumps--when you go "clubbing", you have your choice of the all-breed club, the Specialty club, the obedience club, or the tracking club--you once made earrings out of old rabies tags, and all your friends wanted a pair