Author: James E. Miller

The first round of 2016’s biggest rumble is over. Now it’s time for the ref to call the victor.

Who, of the major presidential candidates, has the best vice-presidential pick?

Donald Trump pivoted towards being a serious contender with his selection of Indiana Gov. Mike Pence. Hillary Clinton, suspecting that the American public doesn’t care for a strident progressive ticket, chose Tim Kaine, a U.S. senator from Virginia and its former governor.

Neither choice is sexy. Neither is out of left field or excitable as John McCain’s choice of Alaska governor Sarah Palin in 2008. Both are calculated, comfortable, and all too snore-worthy.

But in this battle of torpor, I’ve gotta give a point to Clinton. Her Kaine left hook is no knockout punch, but it’s better than Trump’s limp-wristed Pencian jab.

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The ridiculously popular smartphone app is taking off across America. With already more users than the boinking-made-easy app Tinder, Pokémon Go has gone “viral,” in the non-STD kind of way.

The app, which is an off-shoot of the Nintendo franchise that pits cute creatures against each other in non-lethal bloodsport, turns smartphone-owners into real-life hunters. The mechanics are clever: The game buzzes your phone when a Pokémon is near, and imputes a graphic of the beast on the environment using the phone’s camera. The goal is to catch the bugger by swiping your finger across the screen. Collect enough of these colorful monsters and you become king of the nerds, or something.

At a local coffee shop, I recently had to experience the maddening frustration of two patrons taking forever to order because they had to catch a “Bulbasaur.” After unsuccessfully snagging the thing, they finally got on with their order, aloof to what happened. They were oblivious of the fact they held everyone up to play a video game. In public. As fully-grown adults.

At a time when college loans exceed credit card debt, breaking free of the shackles of yet another monthly payment is wildly liberating.

Thanks to an inheritance, I’m days away from being rid of my university debt forever. No more being dunned by email. No more slips in my monthly budget. Just a hunkier wallet in my pocket and a spring to my step.

And wouldn’t you know it, just as I hit a high mark, that bitch Hillary is dragging me back down. The lapdog of Wall Street is out with a new affordable tuition plan that hammers my hard work into dust. Inspired by her rival, Senator Socialism, Clinton has introduced the “New College Compact,” which includes several proposals to make university free for middle-class plebes.

The initiative will end tuition at in-state public colleges for families earning less than $125,000 a year by 2021. It will also impose a three-month moratorium on loan repayments, and have the Department of Education work with borrowers to either forgive debt or lower payments based on income.

Clinton is not bending fully to the demand of Sanderistas and advocating for free public college for all. But her plan is a thinly-veiled buyout of degreed millennials who aren’t qualified to fetch bagels. She’s directly courting the pajama boys and purple-haired fembots who can’t keep a full-time gig because they screw around on Facebook and Tumblr all day. Call it bailouts for votes–a fine democratic tradition!

After much hand-wringing, the Brexit vote failed to topple the world economy. But that hasn’t stopped the elites from expressing their disdain over the little people taking back their borders. In a scathing piece for Foreign Policy titled “It’s Time for the Elites to Rise Up Against the Ignorant Masses,” writer James Traub openly calls for the crushing of the working class. “One of the most brazen features of the Brexit vote was the utter repudiation of the bankers and economists and Western heads of state who warned voters against the dangers of a split with the European Union,” Traub, the son of the former chairman of Bloomingdale’s, says sorrowfully.

Emily Badger of The Washington Postconcurs, writing “Brexit is a reminder that some things just shouldn’t be decided by referendum.” Columnists and opiners in a variety of publications have taken turns denouncing the small-minded Leave voters, each employing clever metaphors to say the same thing: The people are too stupid for politics.

The contempt is not dissimilar to the bitchfest that is Trump opposition. Not content to take potshots at Teflon Donald, some smug critics have taken to excoriating his pea-brained supporters. Jonathan Chait of New York magazine explained Trump phenomenology by surmising, “The Republican Party turns out to be filled with idiots. Far more of them than anybody expected.” National Review’s Kevin Williamson infamously referred to wage-class Trumpites as white trash so trashy it doesn’t deserve to be picked up. “The truth about these dysfunctional, downscale communities is that they deserve to die. Economically, they are negative assets. Morally, they are indefensible,” he pronounced, with the grace of a utilitarian Maoist.

And you wonder why middle-of-the-road Americans are so damn angry. In the face of such open mockery, why shouldn’t they be? The coastal high-earners take great pleasure in ridiculing Flyover country, which is largely comprised of red state Bible-believers.

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Gary Johnson is a dimwit and the Libertarian Party once again proved its uselessness by nominating him as its presidential nominee.

That’s the premise of my latest Takimag article. An excerpt:

Polls right now show that Johnson could potentially steal support from both Clinton and Trump. But we’re still six months away from the general election. Last go-around, Johnson was polling at the same place he is now. In the spring of 2012, the governor, when included on the list of preferred candidates, came in around 7%. How did he do that November? A measly 1.2% of the electorate picked Johnson over Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.

Not exactly a libertarian moment. And I’d bet a few slips of fiat currency that this fall will play out much in the same way. As the election nears and the stakes become more real, voters will make a choice between the two most viable options. The choice won’t be based on reason, compassion, or logic. It will be one of fear and disgust—the necessary ingredients of politics.

But supposing that America’s electoral system didn’t systematically make third parties irrelevant, the Johnson campaign would still be dead in the water. That’s because the candidate is a dopey ignoramus in a party full of punky agitators, drug users, cerebral loners, and just plain loons.

With Hillary Clinton’s decisive primary win the District of Criminals, the longshot bid of Vermont senator Bernie Sanders is coming to a close. In a video chat to supporters, the irascible socialist all but declared his candidacy over and announced he’s teaming up with Wall Street courtesan Clinton to defeat populist champion Donald Trump – just as I predicted.

Sanders isn’t walking away completely empty-handed, however. He’s demanding fundamental changes to the Democrat Party platform to make it “the most progressive platform in history.”

For a socialist, Sanders sure drives a hard bargain.

His list of demands include enacting same-day voter registration, more assistance at polling locations, a timely process for counting votes, and allowing registered independents to cast ballots in the Democrat primary. Increased measures to prevent voter fraud is not mentioned, because that obviously never, ever happens.