There are several married women in my life who are pondering divorce. Not because they are being abused, or oppressed, mistreated, cheated on, or because their spouse has an active addiction. No, it’s because many of them are bored, feeling restless, or simply thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

I do my best to repeatedly encourage them to water the grass they have, to do all they can to nurture and repair their marriage rather than dwelling on the idea that divorce will suddenly “fix” everything that’s wrong in their lives. It won’t.

Sadly, it seems women today who are struggling in their marriage are far more likely to be advised to leave than to work things out.

Yet, many women I know who are divorced and or single parenting would be the first to tell you that life post-divorce may have been new, exciting, and easier for awhile, but that in time they find themselves with mounting financial problems, disappointing relationships, co-parenting conflicts, watching their children struggle, trouble keeping up with everything at home and work on their own, social fallout, job insecurity, and more.

Those who are honest often will say they regret divorcing for angsty reasons, and that their life is worse off for it. They miss the days when they were part of a couple facing the world together rather than facing the world on their own. They’re depressed, exhausted, worn down, and feeling hopeless as the years slip by and they have not found the happier pastures they thought would be straight ahead.

Many have watched their former spouse remarry or strike out on a life of his own minus the struggles they themselves face. Some have watched children drift away, angry or resentful for the burdens divorce has caused in their own life and world.

There are a lot of sappy movies, magazine articles, and books trumpeting the single independent woman lifestyle, jokes about “starter” marriages, and the like. But the truth is being divorced and alone sucks a lot of the time, and sucks more and more as time goes on.

Sure, I do know a few women who have successfully remarried and who are happy. But I know a lot more who have yet to find that, or if they have the new relationship is no better (and often worse) than the marriage they left.

So if you find yourself thinking that divorce will fix everything, take a step back and really look around in your life. How many women do you know in real life that it has truly worked for? Children that it has worked for? How many do you know that it has not?

Life is not a romantic comedy. Happy endings are often forged from hard work, realistic expectations, appreciation, and extending the olive branch not by launching out into the great unknown, where happiness may await but catastrophe is just as likely.

As someone put it, getting divorced is more like going through treatment for cancer than it is a trip to the cosmetic surgeon and spa.

Marriage goes thru phases. Sometimes “fixing” it isn’t as important as just hanging in there until you get to the other side of the rapids and back to calm, clear water. No need to hack a hole in the bottom of the boat thinking that’s the solution!

My advice? Don’t. Swallow your pride, start being kind to your husband, put aside past hurts, take charge of creating your own happiness right where you are instead of looking for it outside, and start your marriage anew. Many women who have done just that report they are happier than ever before, and that the results were well worth the effort.

A wise woman builds up her home while a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. Let those who have ears hear.

here’s the truth – it doesn’t matter why the divorce, the results are the same. divorce sucks. it gets worse with time, not better. children never completely heal.

sure, there are real and even justified and even ‘biblical’ reasons for divorce. but the end result is the same – it’s bad. really really bad.

trying to tell this to women is like Eve in the garden with the serpent.

“Now the serpent was more crafty (subtle, skilled in deceit) than any living creature of the field which the Lord God had made. And the serpent (Satan) said to the woman, “Can it really be that God has said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?”

“And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees of the garden, except the fruit from the tree which is in the middle of the garden. God said, ‘You shall not eat from it nor touch it, otherwise you will die.’”

“But the serpent said to the woman, “You certainly will not die! For God knows that on the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened [that is, you will have greater awareness], and you will be like God, knowing [the difference between] good and evil.”

“And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was delightful to look at, and a tree to be desired in order to make one wise and insightful, she took some of its fruit and ate it; and she also gave some to her husband with her, and he ate.

“Then the eyes of the two of them were opened [that is, their awareness increased], and they knew that they were naked; and they fastened fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.” (Genesis 3:3-7)

My guess is that a woman who would divorce her husband because she is bored or restless, was probably not the team player referred to in “They miss the days when they were part of a couple facing the world together” to begin with.

The husband is likely better off without that millstone round his neck.

@ Leiff you have a good point. I am surprised some of these Hal’s hubby’s don’t tell them to GFO. I bet if they did, the gals would stop their folishness and wise up, too! It’s what the red pill calls “a shit test” – seeing if the guy will put up w it (which leads to a lack of attraction and respect) or stand up to her (which makes her feel like he’s a provider/protector who can hold the fort.) odd but there seems to be something to it!

And actually instead of GFO one might say, as soon as possible after divorce threats first come up, “look, I will not be threatened w divorce. If you want to leave, go ahead. If not, I don’t want to ever hear that nonsense again. You are in or out.” Or some such… Draw the line clear and calm and firm.

Of the women I know pulling this, none are prepared to actually walk or support themselves, but they just obsess on the thought. Their hubbies either ignore it or pacify. Instead telling them to knock it off or get gone might be a better way to snap them out of their spiral.

Or maybe the guys here have advice on these ideas, as a gal I don’t always get it what’s best from the guy pov.

I can tell you that every single aspect of my wife’s life would suffer if she divorced me. Less free time, financial hit, less social time, no love life and close to zero percent chance of finding one again until kids move out. She would end up having to work a dead end job 800+ miles from any family/friends. She would end up having to move into smaller and poorer living conditions. And my wife knows all this.

If she ever mentions that she is considering divorce, I will respond by saying “do you need help packing. You will not be welcome back here”.

I couldn’t agree more. After I retired I worked in the county district court. Saw hundreds of protective orders applied for as a prelude to divorce. Almost zero evidence of actual abuse, but the way the law is written in Marylandastan, it doesn’t matter. And in some of the cases where there was violence, it was obvious from the testimony that the wife pushed the husband more than she should have. Not that physical violence is ever acceptable to words, but you can see how it contributed.

Simple. At 22, 28, 30. How hard was it to get Mr. 1st to settle down and actually pop the question. A year? two? Then how long before the actual big day. And HE ACTUALLY SHOWED UP? A year?

Ok. So married lets say early. 24. Been married for what 5 years? So you’re 29 MINIMUM.
You pull the pin on the gernade. Here in Canada you must be seperated for a year to get divorced. So now you are 30 MINIMUM.
Lets say a year, or 2 to find yourself, do the sex in the city thing.
So settled down to find Mr 2nd you are MININIMUM 32, 33.

Now on top of that
YOU ARE A RETREAD!!
At some point before Mr 2nd puts a ring on it its gonna come out
YOU ARE PROVEN TO BAIL WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH.

Ok So you find MR 2nd at 33. Add the 3+ years it took to get Mr 1st to get to tbe alter. You are MINIMUM 35. Hmm gimme some of that as a RETREAD instead of the never married SIW or worse the younger you at 25 so looking.

And all thats are MININIMUMs
Add a year here or there and you are easily 40.

Now google us census marriage rate females 40+
Now page down to 2nd marriages.

Ooooooooouuuuch.

Math is Hard! and it Sucks.

So basically you do this your odds of ever getting MR 2nd are…..Not good?
Nothing is impossible. Just not Probable.

So if you are happy loving another 35 to 40 years (average age 75) ALONE then hey go for it. Its your life.

Something women don’t get (or maybe they do) about s#it tests, is that the currant legal system slants her winning them (and losing attraction/respect for her man) in her favor. A guy standing up risks losing big anymore, which is why many don’t. It’s a lose-lose deal. Men are hobbled. Women need reigned in. Result? More broken families. And yet society doubles down.

I know I was urged by court advocates to file restraining and other orders repeatedly, although I did not myself feel they were needed. I refused bc I could see it would only create needless trouble and drama. Yet I am sure many women thing “the experts know” and end up throwing gasoline on a birthday candle.

oh and add single mom with kids under 18 and a dating profile that says my kids come first.

Take your above odds and say QUADRUPLE it.
And drop Mr 2nds MMV by 4 points cause your hubby loved the kids
BECAUSE HE MADE THEM.

A guy who WANTS, not puts up with as part of a package deal, but WANTS to be a good father but HAS NO KIDS OF HIS OWN
(my candy man in the white panel van o meter just pegged out…just sayin)

At the very BEST….BETA boy that makes MR 1st seem like studly mcHandyman.

So odds one in 5000+ to get at best Mr. beta 5 to replace the guy you are
nooooooottt happppppppy with.
Yup MATH IS HARD.

But hey its your life.

and No I Am NOT A Professional Asshole destroyer of dreams.

Just a guy whose wife said Im not happy ONCE and said fine lets divorce.
Kicked her out for 4 months and put the house up for sale.
3 years later we hold hands in the car and hump like rabid bunniez in our bedroom of 28 years.
But there will be NO second returning. EVER.

i read once that long-term studies show kids do better in intact marriages … even if the marriage is bad and abusive (abusive short of life-threatening).

i believe it.

my girls will tell you that they’re glad they didn’t grow up in the same house as their dad b/c he could get very violent, and they were very fearful of him. a lot. though nothing ever got to life-threatening or even close, he instilled a lot of fear into us, and there were several who were very close to us who were fearful for the lives of my girls and myself around him.

still … i sometimes wonder if … if i could have acquiesced to him in more ways that would have de-escalated his anger more often, made him want to stay, and enabled my girls to grow up in an intact home. they will you that they would have run away if he hadn’t left … but i think i could have buffered them and protected them from him if he’d stayed and created a safe bubble for them in the home.

Ame, if he was physically abusive to you and/or the girls, I would say for me at least, that’s a hard line. Sure people can adapt to and live w that, but it makes them grow twisted and stunted and unwell. Living in an unsafe home has a price… Just as leaving one does. Don’t be too hard on yourself…

To clarify there is a big difference between “I am unhaaaapy” but she has no real complaint vs. actual true abuse, addiction, habitual cheating, etc. there are sometimes good reasons to end something or at the least separate and isolate kids from the dysfunction IMHO.

he wasn’t physically abusive … though i did put my foot down and take spankings out of the discipline rotation for the kids b/c he started taking that too far.

but he was extremely mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive. we lived on egg-shells around him all the time. never knew if he was going to be good or intensely angry or how he was going to react to anything. he was tightly wound all the time. there was a time when my therapist actually questioned me intensely and extensively about what kinds, if any, of weapon training/use/ownership he had … and covered if/when to call the police, how to protect my girls and me, etc. he also had an addiction that he didn’t kick and was serially unfaithful 😦

there’s much more that probably isn’t appropriate to share, but he did some terrible things to our girls … and i can’t help but wonder if there was anything i could have possibly done to prevent more pain to their young hearts and souls.

She brought up getting a divorce once after I’d been studiously ignoring her for a couple of days after she had fucked up again. I looked her in the eye and said fine, but you’re not getting a fucking penny out of me. She actually rocked back like I’d slapped her when the realization hit her that there wasn’t going to be any fantasy EPL shit. There’d just be scorched earth instead. GTFO is the only acceptable response to a divorce threat. Be sure to turn on some recording devices to CYA before you respond though.