A guide to public etiquette. In short, you should act swiftly and with purpose. Also, don't be an ass.

How to Arrive

How to Arrive

In an Elevator

Women enter first. Look straight ahead. No phone calls. No talking to others unless spoken to. Even then, keep it brief. And we know you're in a rush, but don't crazily hit the close button as if you're about to piss your pants. That's annoying as hell.

Flying

Middle armrests belong to the middle seat.

Talking: minimal, but be courteous.

Two drinks: good for the nerves.

Three drinks: You'll forget the cattle in the row ahead.

Four-plus drinks: You might end up on YouTube.

Public Transit

Don't block the door. If you don't want to hold the pole, you probably already carry sanitizer. Use it.

Ladies sit.

Talking: never with strangers; quietly with acquaintances.

Walking

Be swift. No weaving. No giant umbrellas. No groups of more than two across. By all means, use your smartphone. Just don't expect people to move out of the way for you.

Waiting

Waiting

For a Table

First, decide if it's worth it. Staying? Okay. Then relax. Have a drink. Remind your date how beautiful she is. Have another drink. Unless you're alone, PDA stays in your pocket. Feel free to politely ask the host how it's looking if you've been waiting longer than expected. But don't badger the host every 2.8 minutes. And if your date is the one doing the badgering ... you should find a new date, lest you feel like that host for life.

For a Woman Shopping

Find the men's bench. There is always a men's bench. Then smile and see In Line.

In Line

This is when you use your PDA, but for e-mail. Keep phone calls to a minimum.