Posts Tagged With: Laughter

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.These notices (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs .

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Like this:

Church Humor

LIFE AFTER DEATH“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir,” the new employee replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”

PALM SUNDAY It was Palm Sunday, and because of a sore throat, 5 year old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

“People held them up over Jesus’ head as He walked by.”

“Wouldn’t you know it!” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go, He shows up!”

SUPPORT A FAMILYThe prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”

The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

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It’s Friday! The last one of July, before the “dog days of Summer” hit us. Go forth with a smile and have a great weekend!

The Talking Frog

The old man was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming … when again he heard the voice say, “Pick me up.”

The old gent looked in the water and there, floating on top, was a frog. The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure all your friends are filled with envy because I will become your bride, your wife, forever.”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

The frog said, “What, are you nuts?? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful wife.”

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah. At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’

‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

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Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked.

‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘Giving up?’

=== The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

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Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Larry asked,"Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? "

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A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their conversation it turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups -porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate.

When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: "Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. The cup that you’re drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups… And then you began eyeing each other’s cups.

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate. The happiest people don’t have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your hot chocolate.

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Grant me a sense of humor, Lord, the saving grace to see a joke, To win some happiness from life, And pass it on to other folks.

Like this:

This is one of my favorite days of the year. Now go! March forth and conquer!

Quick Thinking

Here is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.

"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit…" he began, and suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, " … and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."

The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.

"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."

"Oh, my *WIFE* is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.

Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"

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Ahhh, shoes! Couldn’t resist this one. I never had a pair of Chuck Taylor’s, but I always wanted some. I thought that trick of wearing 2 different colored shoes was mega-cool, and I always wanted to do it. When I was younger. Yeah.

Like this:

Do you have plans for the evening? Parties? Good grief, I can’t believe I’m actually excited about New Years. Usually I am so “bah humbug” about the whole thing, more of a “wake me when it’s over” kind of girl. Of course, I still wouldn’t dream of setting foot outside my door on New Year’s Eve – are you kidding? There are drunk people driving around out there! This is Chicagoland! And I have no cable to watch the ball drop, so I guess we’ll just wait for the people around here to shoot off bottle rockets and honk their horns to know when it’s midnight.

Or we could watch the time change over on our new phones. You know, something really exciting like that. :) See how boring my life really is? If you only knew the struggle I go through to bring you so many fascinating and interesting blog posts!

Shut up! LOL 😉

So, to end the year on a chuckle, here are a couple of jokes. The first one Darc told me the other day and I laughed out loud. 😀

Have a wonderful, blessed, amazing, and safe New Years! I’ll see you on the other side. *hugs*

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The priest decided to give his Rabbi friend a hard time. “When are you going to join us for some fine Christmas ham?” he asked.

The old Rabbi winked and replied, “At your wedding, Father, at your wedding.”