Sunday, 28 May 2017

In the last blog, we had Lily telling Pip that she’s a good
listener and handing out some advice. Last week she was at it again, but this
time Johnny was the recipient of Lily’s wisdom. Johnny has been given two
tickets to the Isle of Wight Festival (and a tent), but who should he take? He
seems reluctant to ask his girlfriend Naomi, but she solves the problem by
dumping him. It appears that she wanted more commitment and Johnny was unable
to oblige.

It is the day of Freddie’s maths exam and he feels that he hasn’t
done very well. He, Johnny and Lily discuss the Festival and Lily tries to get
Freddie to tell her who he’d like to take. Eventually he says that he’d like to
take Amber, but she’d never say ‘yes’. Lily points out that he’ll never know unless
he tries and urges him to go and ask her now – she’s just dropped into the
common room or whatever it is for a coffee. Johnny is reluctant, but Lily keeps
on at him and he eventually gives in. Freddie isn’t too optimistic for his
friend, telling Lily “It’s like watching the Titanic set off – he stands no
chance.”

Freddie’s doom-mongering is short of the mark, however as, when
Johnny returns, he says, in an awe-struck voice “she said yes”. If Johnny is
flabbergasted, that is nothing compared to Freddie’s consternation and we keep
hearing his interjections, such as ‘does she know you’ve got the other ticket?’
and ‘does she know you’re sharing a tent?’ Johnny says that “It will be the
best weekend of my life” and a jealous Freddie, who still can’t believe it,
says “You get all the luck Johnny; Amber, in a tent, at a Festival.”

Now, I sincerely hope that Johnny is correct and that the
weekend goes as he wants it to, but I find Amber’s ready acceptance troubling.
Consider; until he asked her, she didn’t seem to know that he existed and then –
wham – it’s three days in a tent together with someone she doesn’t know. While
Naomi wanted commitment, it seems that Amber didn’t even want to know how big
the tent was. The words ‘cupboard’ and ‘love’ spring to mind. If it does all go
pear-shaped, I hope that she doesn’t do anything insensitive, like turning up
with a boyfriend in tow, thus dashing Johnny’s expectations. And what are
Johnny’s expectations? One can assume that he didn’t invite Amber for her mind
alone and that he has romantic – possibly even carnal – hopes for the weekend.
Bearing that in mind, it was suggested by a friend of mine that, if Johnny was
just hoping for some uncomplicated sex in a tent, then why didn’t he invite
Elizabeth, who has form in this respect with a younger man?

Justin Elliott is waxing lyrical to Lilian about how much he
likes Ambridge and how Lilian has helped him rediscover his self-belief and
appetite for new projects. His finances aren’t all they should be and he needs
to find a use for Berrow Farm, now that the mega-dairy has closed down and he
tells Lilian that he has set himself a deadline of the end of the week to come
up with a project. He and Lilian are out riding, when they meet Kirsty, who thanks
Justin for getting BL to pay for forestry contractors to look after and manage
the Millennium Wood. A modest Justin says that it was the Board’s idea and he
just gave it a gentle nudge. When Kirsty has moved on, Lilian says to her fiancé
“Aren’t you the golden boy?” Justin replies that he was just doing his bit for
the community, to which Lilian observes that it’s a bonus if you get Brownie
Points as well.

As we have said before, you gain Brownie Points singly and lose
them by the dozen, especially if you are a man, and Justin is embarking on a
course that will probably see him lose them by the shedload. On Friday he
sounds Brian out about his new plan for Berrow – a plan that can be summed up
in one word; pigs. Lots of pigs. In fact, 15,000 pigs and a breeding herd of
500 sows, all living indoors and being intensively farmed. The slurry will be
wonderful for the anaerobic digester and, because the pigs are inside and,
using the latest technology, there will be no smell to annoy the inhabitants of
Ambridge. Planning shouldn’t be a problem, as the infrastructure is already in
place, but Justin tells Brian that they need to discuss “how to overcome the
inevitable opposition.” Jennifer put it more succinctly when she says “you’ll
need your tin hats.”

I should say so – remember when Berrow was first mooted, there
was an outcry and Justin was burned in effigy. This time, they might just cut
out the middle man. Justin is hopeful that people will realise the benefit of
the jobs that will be created, but I’m not so sure. There is a way to get at
least one person on their side, however, and that is to offer Jazzer the job of
looking after the breeding sows – with the choice of 500 ‘lassies’ to bond
with, he will be in pigman’s heaven.

This is not the limit of Justin’s ambition, by any means – when
he thanked Lilian for giving him back his appetite for new projects, he said
that he wasn’t just talking about Berrow, but “the way I’m feeling, this is
only the start for Ambridge.” Obviously not one for the quiet life, our Justin.

And neither is life quiet at Brookfield, where Josh is rapidly
turning into a contender for the ‘least likeable character’ award (only
narrowly behind Hilda Ogden, who clawed Justin and Shula this week and whom
Justin described as ‘the reincarnation of Vlad the Impaler’ and ‘where is Brian
in a car when you need him?’). Josh promised faithfully to help get the silage
in but, on the morning, he is nowhere to be seen. Ed turns up, ready for work
and an embarrassed David says that they can’t afford to hire him. No worries –
Ed says that Josh has already paid him to do a day’s work. David’s explosion
was probably heard in Darrington and, when he confronts his son later in the
day, he calls him ‘arrogant’, amongst many other things. Josh cannot see the
problem – he has a cultivator to renovate and, if he can get it on the website
by Friday, the client will pay a 50% premium. Josh needed to work on it and he
arranged (and paid for) cover, so what’s the big deal?

Father and son continue to argue and Josh says that he’s fed up
always being in the wrong. They always take Pip’s part – he wanted to take part
in Open Farm Sunday, but because Pip didn’t, Brookfield is giving OFS a miss.
David protests that it’s nothing to do with Pip – they just cannot afford the
time and expense, but Josh goes back to his cultivator, muttering darkly to
himself, having said that he’s knackered because he is sleeping in the dining
room and he feels like a visitor in his own home. David has obviously decided
that appealing to Josh’s better nature is a lost cause, so he tries the
autocratic approach, phoning his son and ordering him to come over now and help
out. Josh replies that he’s busy. “Stop being busy and come and help” David
says and, when Josh replies “I can’t”, David says “It’s not negotiable – get
here now.” Josh acquiesces with bad grace.

Rex was talking to Toby and he described the Brookfield Archers
as ‘dysfunctional’ (he had witnessed the David/Josh altercation) and they
certainly seem to be moving in that direction. Pip, however, has a solution –
she says that she is the problem and enough is enough; she has been talking
with Elizabeth and her aunt has invited her to stay at Lower Loxley for a
while, rent free. Moving out will make life easier for everyone, says Pip, and
she will still do the Brookfield work and look after Rickyard. Pip also says
that Elizabeth told her that she didn’t want to see Pip and Josh turning out
like Kenton and David. As Pip goes off to pack, Rooooth repeats the remark
about Kenton and David. “How do you think that makes me feel?” a subdued David
asks his wife, who answers “Have we really let things get that bad between
them?” Yes, Rooooth, you have, but Pip has given you a partial solution – all
you have to do now is get Josh to move out into his own home and Brookfield
will be a happier place.

On the cricket field, there is serious competition between some
of the ladies – well, two of them, anyway. Anisha, Lily and Jolene meet for
extra cricket practice and Jolene isn’t, frankly, much good. She is surprised
at how competitive the other two are and mentions that they will be able to
sort out which is the better player at the single wicket competition. Both
girls immediately deny that this is important to them; the important thing is
that women in general are appreciated in the game. This is a complete load of
garbage as, when Anisha (or ‘Neesh’ as Lily calls her) goes home at the end of
the session, Lily, who has been cunningly hinting that her studies may keep her
out of the contest, tells Jolene: “If Anisha thinks I’d drop out of the single
wicket, she’s deluded.”

Perhaps the reason that Jolene wasn’t much cop at cricket, was
that she had something on her mind, which was tearing Kenton off a strip for
telling David he could have £1,500, when they would be pushed to find £300.
They’re supposed to be a team, Jolene tells her husband, but she warns him
that, if he does something like that again without consulting her, he’ll be on
his own.

Last week’s ‘clutching at straws’ moment features Toby. Early
in the week he went to Hollowtree to do some gin work, unshaven, dirty, in crumpled
clothes – he looked a mess. Pip turned up and Toby is mortified that she has
seen him like this. He tells Rex later that he couldn’t think of anything to
say – it was all gibberish (and Rex’s remark, along the lines of ‘no change
there, then’ was not well received). “After today I stand no chance of getting
back with Pip” moans Toby.

Two days later, the pair run into each other again, when Pip is
putting up a poster in The Bull, advertising Rickyard for rent. The
conversation this time is better and Pip mentions that she’s glad to be away
from the farm – and especially from Josh – for a while (this was before she
decided to move out to Lower Loxley). Toby tells her that it’s good to see her
and they should stay in touch as mates. It is later, when Toby returns to the
bungalow, that we have the straw-clutching, as Toby tells Rex that, “She didn’t
actually say it, but it was pretty obvious that she was having second thoughts
about chucking me.” Absence has made her heart grow fonder, he thinks and she
misses him and he’s going to win her back. Toby, just because she didn’t spit
at you or blank you totally, doesn’t mean that she’s pining for you, mate. At
least, I certainly hope she isn’t.

And finally, it has been said that I am unkind to Lynda and her
activities. We learned that she and Robert are going away to Florence to
celebrate her 70th birthday and I wish her well. Neil asks if she
has any plans to slow down after reaching such a significant milestone and I am
sure that you were as pleased as I was when she replied firmly “Not at all – I’d
be lost without my commitments to village life.”

Sunday, 21 May 2017

Alice
takes Peggy to the hairdresser’s and Peggy jokes that
she’s thinking of having a Mohican. Later on, when Alice arrives to pick her
up, she gasps and we are agog - what has Peggy done? Is it the Mohican? Has she
dyed her hair pink or gone tartan? No - she has a cat carrier with her and,
surprise, surprise, there’s a cat inside. “Meet Hilda
Ogden” Peggy tells Alice. It turns out that Fabrice, the hairdresser, has
split with his partner and moved into a no-pets property. He asked Peggy to
look after Hilda and she agreed.

Peggy
invites Alice to say hello to Hilda and the feline responds by hissing evilly
at her. Back at the Lodge, Brian turns up, delivering a book for Peggy. Alice
comes in with Hilda, saying that Christine has asked if they can keep Hilda
downstairs, while she looks for a plaster, from which we infer that Hilda has
scratched her. This is a touch ironic, as one of the reasons that Peggy gave
Alice for keeping Hilda was to cheer up Christine, who is missing Bill
terribly.

Peggy
is besotted and tells them all to consider how bewildered Hilda must be feeling
and be nice to her. She tells Brian to say hello and make friends and, when he
approaches the cat, she lashes out at him. Alice says she’ll go and
see if Christine has found the plasters and Peggy admonishes Brian for
startling Hilda. Brian and Alice leave and he asks his daughter couldn’t she have
stopped Peggy? He adds that it’s very unnerving seeing
Peggy sitting there like Blofeld, stroking the Cat from Hell.

Is
this a cunning ploy by Peggy to get revenge on Brian, the cat-killer? Or
perhaps Hilda is somehow aware that Brian has feline blood on his hands - maybe
the spirit of the late Bill is being channelled through her and he is exacting
retribution. Whatever, you get the impression that, should there be another
feline hit-and-run fatality, Brian wouldn’t care overmuch.

As
it is, Brian thinks that the Speedwatch initiative is a waste of his time and
tells Justin as much. The duo are at Berrow Farm and Justin is contemplating
the future. Berrow, he says, is grossly under-utilised and, since the demise of
the mega-dairy, is crying out for something more substantial. But what? Justin
is in philosophical mood and is sure that something will turn up. “Sometimes
life surprises you” he says, enigmatically.

Justin
seems to have mellowed since Lilian told him to be more conciliatory towards
Miranda over the divorce. In fact he invites his wife to a tête-à-tête to
discuss the settlement. He offers her the holiday home in Aldeburgh and their
skiing chalet for starters. Miranda, however, has her eye on Damara, but Justin
is adamant - she had no part in building up his company and he won’t let her
have a stake. Miranda is on the point of leaving when Justin says that he is
prepared to hand over sole ownership of a subsidiary company in Scotland and
she can do what she likes with it. She describes his package of offers as “not so
unrealistic as I expected“, which is big of her, as
it’s probably worth a few million. However, there is one thing they haven’t
discussed - she wants Justin’s two Arab horses. Justin
shrewdly says that she doesn’t really want them, she
just doesn’t want Lilian to have them and, in their place, he offers her his share
in Damara Dream, the racehorse. Miranda replies that he must be infatuated and
he says no - he really loves Lilian. “I’m curious,” Miranda
says, “how long will it be before the spell wears off?”

The
following day, Miranda goes to the Dower House, where she meets Lilian and says
that she has just come round to pick up a few things; notably two vases that
she thinks are Chinese porcelain. Miranda is very overbearing, getting Lilian
to wrap the vases up in newspaper (she is amazed that there’s no
bubble-wrap) and criticising Lilian’s redecoration. Lilian is
quite restrained and says that Justin seems happy with what she’s doing. “When you
marry him, you’ll just be creating a vacancy for his next mistress” Miranda
tells her and still Lilian refrains from breaking the vases over her head and,
instead, sees her out politely.

Meanwhile,
at the bungalow, Toby is falling apart, staying in bed till the afternoon and
calling himself “a complete waste of space.” There are one or two
people at Brookfield who wouldn’t argue with that
statement, Toby my old son. He tells Bert that he thought Pip was The One and
he’s never felt like this before. He has completely lost interest in the
gin business and he doesn’t see how life could
possibly get any worse. “Do you want me to read my
poem to you?” Bert asks, thus answering Toby’s rhetorical question.

The
other half of love’s young dream, Pip, is delivering beef to the
Bridge Farm shop, where she meets Tom. He is sarcastic about the cattle getting
loose and Pip tells him it was her fault. After she has apologised about a
dozen times, he thaws a little and says he admires her for owning up and we all
make mistakes. Pip also tells him that she has dumped Toby and Tom takes the
mood down a notch or two, remembering when he and Brenda split up. He muses that
some people seem to walk into perfect relationships “but some of us are never
going to meet the right one, are we? Why not give up and accept that we are
always going to stay single?”

There is no answer from Pip, who is presumably
looking for a branch to hang herself from. This mood of pessimism appears to be
infectious, as the next day Pip is in conversation with cousin Liliy, who has
detected that something is amiss and urges Pip to talk to her, as she’s a good
listener. Pip says that dumping Toby was the right thing to do, but then
wonders out loud whether she is the problem and “what if I never find the right
guy?” She also says that she always falls for the wrong sort - first Jude, now
Toby. Lily says that she’s proud to have Pip as a cousin and she’s sure that
Pip’s life will be just fine - there’s no need to enter a convent just yet. Be
strong Pip! And hang on to that thought that you were right to dump Toby and
don‘t weaken.

Toby continues to veg around and doesn’t go into
work at The Bull. Kenton gets hold of Rex and tells him that Toby is due to
bring round the next batch of gin. Rex goes to see his brother, who is laying
in bed, listening to music and wallowing in self-pity. Rex has a go at Toby,
telling him that, for once, he has a promising business and Kenton cannot wait
to sell Scruff gin. Toby reveals that the latest batch is undrinkable because
he cocked up the recipe and Rex drags him off to Hollowtree. The gin is vile
and Rex says they will start a new batch now. Toby just stands there while Rex
does all the work and the latter is getting annoyed, asking why does he always
have to clear up Toby’s disasters? “Because you’re a bloody good brother and I
don’t deserve you” Toby answers, in a sepulchral tone. Spot on Toby; he is and
you don’t - and don’t forget that moment of self-awareness earlier, when you
described yourself (all too accurately) as a complete waste of space.

Over at Brookfield, David rings Kenton - he wants
to see him. Kenton lets the calls go to voicemail, asking “hasn’t he got
anything better to do than chase me?“ David eventually finds Kenton and asks
for a talk, telling his brother how bad the financial situation at Brookfield
is. “We’re stretched to breaking point” David admits. Kenton tells him that
he’s come to the right man, and any time he or Rooooth need a meal, they can
have one on the house. David says that he was hoping for something rather more
substantial, like Kenton paying back the bulk of the money that David lent him
.

Kenton’s reply is that he could possibly manage
£1,000 - £1,500 and David says that they owe ten times that. The timing isn’t
good, Kenton says, as they have invested a considerable sum in a new business;
but it’s one that will benefit Brookfield considerably, as they are paying to
get Scruff gin up and running. This is too much for David, who explodes “what
is it with Toby? Everybody throws cash at him!” Kenton points out that Pip will
benefit in the long run and, when David informs him (through gritted teeth)
that she and Toby have split up and nobody at Brookfield cares about Scruff
gin, Kenton says “Ah. That probably hasn’t gone down as well as I hoped, has
it?”

Now for a brief overview of other stories: Matt
goes to see Lilian - he has bought back the Dresden shepherd and shepherdess
that he stole from her and says that they cost him three times what he
originally sold them for, as if this somehow makes everything all right. Lilian
says that she has moved on and she doesn’t want them, but Matt persuades her to
take them, saying that she can throw them away if she likes. As Lilian shuts
the door, Matt says quietly to himself “see you, pusscat.” Ironically, Justin
comes across the figures and says he finds them ‘captivating’. Lilian says she
was going to sell them, but Justin says they must keep them; like himself and
Lilian, they are a perfectly-matched pair.

The Grundys got - if not their just desserts,
then at least found out - when Kirsty asked to see the SSSI. They showed her a
different patch of ground, but Kirsty realised that it was not the right site.
Joe and Eddie tried to convince her that she was mistaken, but caved in when
she suggested getting someone from Natural England to confirm the position of
the site. The real SSSI is a flowerless sea of mud. Joe and Eddie admit that
the pigs trashed it. Does Oliver know? muses Kirsty - after all, as the
landowner, he is the one that the authorities would hold responsible if they
found out. Is Kirsty going to grass them up (no pun intended)? She agrees not
to tell anyone, but will be checking the area regularly “so now you’d better
start taking care of it” she threatens.

PCB oversees the Speedwatch training day and it
is a fiasco. Brian is in a foul mood, as he hadn’t realised that it means an
ongoing commitment; Kate keeps nipping off to make phone calls, Jim and Robert
get distracted by birds and everybody wants to make up their own version of the
NATO phonetic alphabet. A near-to-despairing PCB tells them that they all have
to use the same version and, when the session is over, he despondently tells
Jim that “it was a complete washout - like teaching goldfish to juggle.” Jim
says that it was well-organised and went better than many other community
events in Ambridge. “Really?” asks an astounded Harrison. “Oh yes.” Jim
replies, adding: “Have you ever been involved in a Snell production?” And
that’s a depressing reminder that we have all that to come over the next few
months.

Sunday, 14 May 2017

Horse
breeder Latif Hussein is having lunch with Matt Crawford and Matt tells him
that he is looking at studs close to home, as he and his consortium are looking
to establish a first class breeding programme. “Money is no object” Matt tells
him airily. When Matt Crawford says things like that, sensible people usually
make a run for it, checking that they still have their wallets. Matt tells
Latif that Brian Aldridge (“We go back a long way”) gave him Latif’s name as an
expert in horse breeding and I’m willing to bet that Brian wouldn’t be pleased
for anyone to think that he had any association with Matt.

Latif’s
response is that he has heard many things about Matt, including his spell in
prison. Matt holds his hands up, but says that he’s a changed man. “Anyone can
say that” Latif says, mildly and Matt agrees, adding that, in his case, it’s
the truth. Latif says that he has seen the brochure put out by the Costa Rica
consortium and it’s impressive. Matt describes the project as “a fantastic
investment opportunity”. However, sadly the consortium is not looking to take
on any more investors - of course, there might be a possible window later. Be
careful, Latif; Matt’s obviously up to something - the question is what?

Following
lunch, Matt seeks out Anisha and tells her that he might be doing business with
Latif and he (Matt) will try and sound him out about possibly switching vets to
Anisha’s and Alistair’s practice. Of course, there would be a quid pro quo,
with Anisha carrying out some pre-purchase examinations of stud horses for
Matt. Later, Alistair asks what did Matt want? Anisha tells him, saying “this
could be our ticket to the big time.” Alistair, however, has serious doubts and
asks Shula whether he should have told Anisha about his gambling and how he was
deeply in debt to Matt a few years ago. Shula says that he has power to veto
any arrangement, but Alistair is still worried and echoes the thoughts of many
listeners when he muses “What the heck is Matt doing hanging around Ambridge?
It’s got a very bad smell about it.”

Elsewhere,
Lynda has been prophesying for ages that there will be a serious accident with
all the cars speeding through the village and last week she was proved correct
when there was a hit and run incident. The victim was Peggy’s cat Bill, who
suffered a fractured pelvis, a dislocated hip and a ruptured bladder. Peggy
asks Anisha what are his chances and, when she learns that the answer is ‘very
slim’, Peggy agrees that Bill should be put out of his misery. A bit later on,
Jennifer and Lilian agree that, whoever left Bill to die cannot possibly have a
conscience and Peggy will be so upset. However, Peggy is a tough old bird and,
when Jennifer asks her how is she feeling, Peggy replies “all right - a little
bit sad.” She goes on to say that Bill was a good age and there’s no point in
getting too upset. She is scornful of Christine’s ‘excessive’ reaction, as
Chris has retired to her room and is crying continuously, being comforted by
Jill. “He wasn’t even her cat” Peggy comments, a tad waspishly.

While
everyone else is treating Peggy with kid gloves, she is dragging Lilian round
the garden, looking for a suitable spot to bury Bill. Lynda remarks that this
shows exactly why they need the Speedwatch initiative and the response to her
forthcoming training day has been disappointing, with Robert, Jim and Neil
signed up.

Meanwhile,
Brian returns in a very bad mood - Justin dropped him in it by getting Brian to
present the proposal about the broiler house to the BL board in Justin’s stead.
This was at two hours’ notice and Brian makes a hash of it, so he is not happy.
Jennifer tells him about Bill and Brian thinks that it could have been he that
ran the cat over - he remembers feeling a bump as he drove past The Lodge. “I’ll
have to tell Peggy” he says and does so. Peggy calls his driving ’reckless’
and, when Brian asks if there’s anything he can do, Jennifer says yes, there
is. As a result, he goes to see Lynda and tells her to put him, Jennifer,
Lilian and Kate down for Speedwatch training. Lynda is grateful and remarks in
passing that she’d hate to be the person who drove off and left the cat; “their
conscience must be weighing heavily” she tells Brian. “Absolutely,” he replies,
“it doesn’t bear thinking about.”

The
reason that Brian had to do the presentation is because Justin is staying in
London, fighting Miranda every step of the way in the divorce negotiations. “She
wanted the whole of the London wine cellar!” an outraged Justin tells Lilian.
Lilian says he should be less combative and not fight for everything. He tells
her it’s not her business and Lilian says “I thought that’s what partners did”
she told him. Eventually, Justin apologises and tells her she’s right and he
loves her. He will be more conciliatory with Miranda from now on.

Brian
has outlined his plan for Home Farm to become a family partnership to the
children and they have had little niggles; for example, Kate thinks that
operating Spiritual Home should entitle her to an extra share and what about
her and Alice’s cottages? She also says that Debbie doesn’t do much on the farm
nowadays and Alice asks what would happen if she wanted to be more hands on? An
exasperated Brian asks them to approve the plan in principle and he tells
Jennifer later that the plan should be OK “as long as the children embrace the
spirit of compromise.” Good luck with that, Brian.

Congratulations
to Helen, whose decree Absolute was granted - it only seems like yesterday that
she was sticking knives in her husband - doesn’t time fly? She wonders whether
Rob will try to get in touch for Jack’s birthday? Kirsty replies that he wouldn’t
dare and tells Helen “it’s a beautiful spring day and you are a free woman.”

The
dawn chorus walk was a great success, with more than 20 people turning up at
the crack of sparrows. Kirsty is troubled, though, as the SSSI on Grange Farm
is not looking particularly healthy and she describes the photo of it on the
Grange Farm website as ’disappointing’, with no wildflowers in evidence. This
is hardly surprising, as Eddie turned his pigs out on to the site and they
trashed it, as pigs do. There may be a reckoning to come for the Grundys, as
Jill also questions Eddie about the lack of flowers. Eddie says it’s too early,
but Jill replies that the wildflower meadow at Lower Loxley is a riot of
flowers and they took the seed from the Grange Farm SSSI. Floundering badly,
Eddie reels off some guff about different soils and micro-climates and tells
Jill that it will be better in three or four weeks.

Jill’s
mind is taken off the subject, when Eddie reveals that he will be getting no
more work from Brookfield, due to the financial situation and Jill realises
that things are much more serious than she thought. She confronts David, who
says that they didn’t want to worry her unduly. Jill offers him her savings but
he refuses, saying they’ll get by.

Rooooth
asks Pip where she will stay, now that she has given up Rickyard? Pip has
arranged to kip on a friend’s sofa but Rooooth says that they would like her to
move back to Brookfield and that Ben and Josh can share a room. Pip says that’s
not fair, but later on Rooooth says that the boys agreed to the arrangements. I
wonder what threats she used on them to get their agreement? Whatever, Pip is
back at Brookfield and Toby is ensconced in the bungalow.

This
arrangement is definitely not to Toby’s liking and he arranges for Pip to come
round the bungalow on Wednesday evening. Bert is away, playing cribbage and Rex
is teasing Toby, saying that he thinks he might spend a quiet night in. Toby
has put a lot of thought into the evening, amazing Rex by getting out the
vacuum cleaner and by ordering a takeaway. Rex asks how he knows what Pip wants
to eat and Toby replies that she always orders the same thing. Pip is late
turning up and, when Rex has gone, she tells Toby that she’s not really hungry.
They go to bed and Toby fails to perform. He wants to move back into Rickyard,
but a distinctly downbeat Pip says that isn’t going to happen. He has been
looking at flats in Felpersham, but Pip slaps him down, saying that they will
be way too expensive. She decides to return home, with Toby reminding her that
they have just arranged to meet at The Bull on Friday and not to forget. As Pip
leaves, we hear Toby give vent to a sigh that Rooooth would be proud to claim
as her own.

Friday
comes round and Toby, Pip, Rex and Anisha are in The Bull. There is some talk
of Brexit (yawn) and Rex and Anisha leave to go on a run to the top of Lakey
Hill. Pip is definitely irritable and tells Toby to keep his voice down when he
says how gorgeous she is and pushes him away when he tries to kiss her. “Not in
front of everybody” she says, peevishly. Pip feels she has let her parents down
badly and she hates herself. She and Toby have an argument about deceit and the
subject of Brighton is brought up. Toby has a plan - a mini break away. Pip
cannot believe he is serious - they have no money - and, when it transpires
that it was Kenton’s idea, she says that he isn’t a good role model, as he owes
David big time.

Pip
has obviously been thinking deeply and she says that she and Toby aren’t like
other couples - they don’t fit together and bring out the worst in each other.
Toby says that this is the first time he’s ever wanted only one person and he
can change. Pip, however, is implacable and walks off, telling Toby “I just don’t
think that we have a future together.” “You don’t mean that - it can’t be over”
he shouts, but Pip has gone.

Toby
returns to the bungalow, where Rex and Anisha are contemplating an evening in
with a movie. Toby has said that he will be home late, but he turns up,
snarling to Rex “you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve just been dumped” and
making comments about how the field is now clear for the sensible one. He grabs
a bottle and retires to his room to get drunk. Anisha asks what Toby meant and
Rex says that he used to fancy Pip, but nothing came of it. However, when
Anisha criticises Pip’s bio-security and farming knowledge, Rex gets annoyed
and Anisha says that she’ll have to go home. “See you around, Rex” she says.
That’s everybody’s evening ruined.

A
drunken Toby turns up later at Brookfield, beating on Pip’s door. He won’t
accept that it’s over and he can’t live without her. Pip says they should stop
it now before it gets worse. Toby begs her, but she closes the door, leaving
Toby on the doorstep; a broken “Nooo!” on his lips. It gets worse Toby - don’t
forget you still owe Pip £5 k.

Sunday, 7 May 2017

Joe’s horse
Bartleby is out of sorts and it’s worrying Joe; so much
so that he calls in Alistair to give him the once over. Alistair is puzzled, as
Bartleby appears to be in pretty good condition, given his age and there
appears to be no medical reason for his lethargy - both Alistair and Anisha are
stumped and Joe is disgruntled at the lack of a concrete diagnosis. “It’s almost
as if he’s depressed” Alistair muses - that‘s Bartleby
he‘s talking about, not Joe.

Surely
a moment’s thought would reveal that the vet has hit on the truth? Consider -
Bartleby is owned by one of the most miserable sods in Ambridge; someone who
spent most of last year telling everybody that his greatest wish was to end his
days at Grange Farm and then signally failing to do anything to try and achieve
this ambition. If that were not enough, Joe spends long periods of time talking
to Bartleby, which must be torture and cruelty to an animal, then sometimes Joe
takes Bartleby out in public, which must be mortifying for the poor equine -
imagine the shame of being associated with Joe! One can only assume that it is
the lack of an opposable thumb that has prevented Bartleby from topping
himself. Add to this various ad hoc humiliations such as being dressed up as a
winged horse for ElfWorld and it becomes blindingly obvious that Bartleby is
depressed; and with good reason.

What
can be done? Shula has an idea, but she’d like to try it out
while Joe is not around, in case it doesn’t work, thus making him
even more miserable, if that were possible. The plan is to give Bartleby some
company and who better than Gem, the horse that Shula and Alistair brought back
from Ambridge Hall, where she had been dumped, along with five others? Gem
doesn’t like being indoors, as she demonstrated when she bolted from her
stable, treading on Shula’s foot along the way,
just to emphasise the point.

Eddie
gets Joe out of the way, after a struggle, by taking him to go and see Neville
Booth for a game of cribbage. Joe grumbles about it (no surprise there, then)
but goes off, muttering to himself. Shula, Alistair and Eddie introduce Gem to
Bartleby, but the horses do not hit it off and Alistair says that they should
get her out of the field before she hurts herself or Bartleby. Meanwhile, PC
Burns is out in his squad car and sees Joe walking along a lane, muttering to
himself yet again. PCB asks him where he’s going and Joe’s response
is less than gracious, asking if it’s against the law now to
go walking in the village? It turns out that Neville cheated at crib - reneging
and fiddling the pegs, the bounder - and a highly disgruntled Joe walked
out and is going home.

Instead
of arresting him for vagrancy, or being miserable in a public place or
something similar, PCB gives him a lift back to Grange Farm. Personally, I’d have
dragged him behind the car and gone the long way round, but PCB is
obviously a decent copper. Joe asks what have they done to Bartleby? and Shula,
Eddie and Alistair notice that Gem has somehow found her way back into Bartleby’s field
and the two horses are now getting on like a house on fire. Not only that, but
Bartleby has bucked up tremendously. Give it a couple of weeks and I reckon we’ll have
two depressed horses - especially if Joe keeps talking to them.

Joe
is over the moon and says “this calls for a
celebration”. He takes them all down to the pub and breaks into his savings to buy
drinks for them all, leaving Kenton with the tricky problem of wondering how
many groats are there to the Pound. Numerous people collapsed at the unexpected
sight of Joe putting his hand in his pocket and the Borsetshire Echo held the
front page.

But
not everyone was happy - Eddie revealed his misgivings to Alistair, wondering
if the Grundys can afford another pony. Alistair immediately says that he will
cover any additional costs that may arise, as it did him good to see Bartleby
and Gem together. I’ve said it before, but the Grundys always seem
to get people on their side - reduced rent at Grange Farm, for example and now
having their pony paid for. And what do they do in return? Let the pigs run
loose and churn up the Site of Special Scientific Interest - let’s grass
them up to Natural England, or get PCB to run them in; that’ll teach
them.

We’ve spent a
lot of time over Bartleby, but let’s face it, he doesn’t get
written about very often, does he? He’s not the only depressed
one in Ambridge, as Pip is beating herself up over not telling the truth about
the IBR episode. You’d think that things couldn’t get any
worse, but you’d be wrong, as, in an attempt to make a clean breast of everything, Pip
tells David that she gave her £5k profit from the mob grazing to Toby. And how
does David react? Does he a) say ‘oh well, no good crying
over spilt milk’ or b) go ballistic? Well done if you said (b) - he also says he cannot
believe his ears, which does nothing to cheer Pip up. She had earlier asked
Toby if he could repay the money, or some of it at least, to which he replied “you
are joking, aren’t you?” and “sorry; there’s no chance.” He also says that she
has just got to trust him. Yeah right - trust him to not pay off his debt, I
reckon. When Pip says she does trust him, he says “Yeah, it really sounds like
it.” Honestly, can you blame her though?

Pip
wanders the village, in the depths of despair and runs across Alan, who notices
that she is unhappy (the floods of tears gave him the clue). Pip is convinced
that David and Rooooth will never forgive her and she doesn’t know what to do.
Alan suggests that she shows her parents that she is dedicated to the future of
Brookfield and that she takes some positive action to prove it. Exactly what,
he cannot say, but Pip ponders over his words.

Towards
the end of the week, she believes she has a solution. Toby, helpful as ever,
has bought her a charm bracelet (what with - I thought he had no money?) thus
demonstrating a total lack of understanding of his girlfriend’s mental state,
and Pip says she wants to talk to him. Her solution is that they move out of
Rickyard Cottage so that David and Rooooth can let it out at market value. Toby
asks where will they live? Simple - Pip can stay at Chris and Alice’s and Toby
can go back to living with Rex and Bert at the bungalow. Toby goes looking for
Bert and talks to him about all the fun times they had together. Bert is at a
loss to remember any such fun times and, when Toby asks if he can move back in,
Bert says that he’s happy with only having Rex for a lodger. However, when Toby
explains that this idea is all so that Brookfield can generate some income,
Bert says he’ll think about it and is taken aback when Toby tells him “Awesome
- I’ll move in on Monday then.” Tough luck, Bert - you’ve been done up like a
kipper, me old mate.

Pip
tells her mother of her idea, adding that she (Pip) will do all the extra
laundry and cleaning for the guests. Rooooth says that it is quite a gesture
and praises Pip’s maturity. Mother and daughter hug and, when Pip says, for the
2,000th time, how sorry she is, Rooooth replies “It’s fine - it’s
all going to be fine.”

The
fallout over Emma’s night time job continues, with Will telling her that George
has told him that it is upsetting him that she’s not there and why don’t Will
and Nic have him to stay over for an extra night a week? Emma is annoyed that
he thinks that she isn’t looking after their son and she is short with Nic.
This, it turns out, is unfair, as Nic explains that she didn’t know anything
about the extra night and she doesn’t think that George is suffering. A family
lunch is arranged at Greenwood Cottage for Will, Nic, Emma and Ed and the two
couples talk it through. Will is concerned that George is being damaged, but
when Nic asks him how exactly, he has no answer. Nic then goes for the jugular
by reminding her husband how, when he was young, Clarrie worked all the hours
she could and he hasn’t been ‘damaged’, has he? Actually, this is a debatable
point but we’ll let it pass for now. Will soon realises that he hasn’t got much
of a case, especially when Nic suggests that perhaps George has been laying it
on a bit thick and Will backs down about the extra night and any suggestion of
neglect of George. Later on in the kitchen, Emma thanks Nic for being on her
side. The interesting thing was Ed’s attitude during this discussion - he
hardly said a word and didn’t defend his wife, due no doubt to the fact that he
doesn’t want to see Emma working nights either.

Over
at Lower Loxley, Freddie has something to crow about, as he passed his driving
test theory paper and Lily failed hers. It’s a change for him to come out on
top, so enjoy it while you can Freddie.

What
else has been happening? Brian’s plan for Home Farm to become a family
partnership meets with almost universal approval. However, readers will not be
surprised to hear that Adam has reservations. Honestly, Brian can do nothing
right in Adam’s eyes - if Brian were to hand over a large box of £50 notes and
say “spend it - enjoy yourself” Adam would be worrying whether they were
forgeries. Ian tries to talk some sense into Adam, and the latter reveals what’s
worrying him - he’s nearly 50 and retirement is looming. He wants to get the
farm on a sustainable footing for Alice, Kate and Ruairi (presumably Debbie is
counted in the ‘yesterday’s people’ category). “I need to maximise my influence
before I’m put out to pasture.” Adam tells his husband. Personally, I don’t
reckon he need worry, as I cannot see Alice, Ruairi or Kate (especially Kate)
as wanting to have a ‘hands on’ role on the farm. And what’s this about
retirement looming? Nowadays we are being told that retirement has been put
back to 185 or whatever it is now, so our sub-50 Adam has a good few years
ahead of him yet, before it’s pipe and slippers time.

Let’s
end with Lilian - she, like Bartleby, is out of sorts and she convinces Jolene
that the answer is a day at the races, blowing Matt’s money. Matt is there on
the day and his (successful) tips are ignored by Lilian, as is his invitation
for them to join him. He points out that it’s Lilian’s own money she’s throwing
away, but she doesn’t care. Jolene urges Lilian not to let Matt get to her, and
she replies that she won’t - Matt is all in the past now. Interestingly, when
Lilian first proposed the day at the races, we learned something about who
wears the trousers down at The Bull - “What about Kenton; will he mind?” Lilian
asks. “Kenton will do what he’s told.” Jolene replies, firmly. Cast your mind
back to Kenton and Jolene’s wedding - did he promise to obey, can you remember?

Monday, 1 May 2017

There was speculation from our readers last week
about Lilian’s banking arrangements and how could Matt have deposited money
into her account unless it was the same account he raided when he fled to Costa
Rica.

I agree that Lilian’s much too savvy to have kept
operating the same account and would have left it dormant whilst Amside traded
out of a new business account. I also agree that there’s a whiff of money
laundering going on. Will his racecourse interests turn out to be a front for a
drugs cartel? Is he trying to recruit Anisha to prepare horses heads to slide
under his rivals duvets? Or has the Tiger really changed his stripes (thanks
for that one Zoe)?

Back to this week’s everyday story of family
disharmony and drug kingpins.

Toby’s lamenting the fact that he doesn’t have a
gin business any more and is looking for sympathy from Pip, ignoring her
problems which he signally fails to grasp. Rex offers him some brotherly advice
to accept Kenton’s offer of funding, but he has ‘principles’ to stick to. Toby?
Principles? He does indicate that he’s about to change his mind but needs a few
days to think about it. He even manages to thank Rex, and more surprisingly it
actually sounds sincere, as he does when he goes on to apologise to Pip.

At cricket one of PCB’s ‘girls’. Lily, is having a
great innings and putting the men to shame, all to the soundtrack of Will
droning on about women not being up to it. A bash on the elbow from a bouncer
only drives her on, and she hits the next one out of the field. Although the
team didn’t win, she wipes the smile off Will’s face by scoring more runs than
him. Cricket is not Lily’s other talent. No I’m not talking about driving
proficiency, but design, as we later hear that Toby’s commissioned her to come
up with a label for his gin.

Over at Home Farm Brian is relieved to have seen
the back of Lilian, who has finally moved back to the Dower House, not least
because he can once again rely on the security of his wine cellar. She catches
up with Jennifer and says how she couldn’t be happier – “in my beautiful house
with the man I love … he’s not going to let me down”. If that’s not setting us
up for disaster I don’t know what is, and sure enough we later hear that Justin’s
been having very stressful conversations with his lawers and it doesn’t sound
good. Justin’s hopping mad as Miranda has hired the top divorce lawyer in
London before he could; “she’s going for the skin off my back and she won’t
stop until she gets it”.

Even better news for Brian is when David tells him
that they’re accepting full responsibility for the IBR outbreak. Without going
into detail, David asks Brian to let him know how much it all cost Home Farm
and he’ll match it pound for pound. Brian’s a little surprised, and concerned,
as he heard about the problems with the tractor’s gearbox, and says he’d be
happy to help out with any farm machinery issues in the future.

David moves on to Tony, and calls him while he’s in
the middle of weighing up the options for the future of his herd. He arranges
to call in later and offers Tony the same deal as he offered Brian – full and
unconditional compensation. Tom however has got other ideas and wants to sue: “we’ve
got Brookfield up against the ropes, if we play it right we can name our price”.
It turns out that Usha’s thinking the same way, and tells Rooooth that it may
not have been a good idea for David to accept liability. Rooooth’s also thinks
it’s letting Pip off the hook but David is looking to the long-term future of
the farm, and that means Pip, so she agrees that no one individual will take
the blame, and it’s the family that will take collective responsibility.

We hear from Lynda this week and it appears that
her llamas are now sharing their paddock with 6 mystery ponies that have
appeared from nowhere. Alistair gives them a thorough inspection and they’re in
terrible condition. One of the ponies has such a bad wound on its leg that
Alistair and Shula take it back to the stables for immediate treatment. She’s
very thin and is running a temperature and Lynda’s so concerned that I wonder if
she’ll keep the other ponies rather than turning them over to a welfare
charity.

Brian’s winning streak comes to an end when he runs
into Matt at Grey Gables and Matt’s keen to tell him all about his time in Costa
Rica, and why he’s come back. He says he’s not trying to get Brian to invest
(of course he is) but has got a glossy brochure and everything. Brian’s got his
own contact in horse racing, Latif Hussain (who incidentally is a business
associate of Justin’s). Matt tries to play Brian further by saying this
investment’s not for him; “strictly for the big boys”, but then says they’re
offering a 12% return. Brian’s not tempted and says he won’t get involved in
any scheme Matt’s a part of – after what he did to Lilian.

Matt proceeds to tell Brian about her affair with
his half-brother Paul (before he died, obviously) and cited that as a reason
for disappearing to Costa Rica with her money (confirms our speculation that
this was the case – see Is The Worm About To Turn from 26th January
2015). This is obviously news to Brian, but he stands up for his sister-in-law
and warns Matt off hurting her again, but Matt insists “I’m not here to make
trouble for anyone – and that’s the honest truth”.

Thing’s aren’t getting any better for Pip. She’s
out on her quad bike in the pouring rain when she gets a flat tyre. This seems
to be the final straw and she pours her heart out to Alice, who just happens to
be passing by. Alice says she’s Pip’s good fairy tonight as she produces a can
of tyre repair foam and a pump, and invites her round that evening for a stew that
Chris is cooking (without Toby). Chris (who has gone through one of those
mysterious Archers character regenerations and now sounds more Borsetshire) cooked
the dinner and prepares Alice’s packed lunch for tomorrow while she’s on a
business call. Pip gets a text from Toby to say he’s home, but Pip isn’t keen
to go and accepts Chris’s offer to stay the night. This doesn’t go down well
with Toby the next morning when she gets home and they argue because it doesn’t
look like Toby likes it when the boot’s on the other foot. Toby has a plan to
save his business and wanted to run the idea past Pip last night. The plan
turns out to be going back to Kenton, apologising, and calling the Gin not
Fairbrother’s, not Archer’s, but Scruff. Scruff Gin – after Lynda’s dog and a
name originally suggested by Robert. Kenton likes this and also approves of the
label design Lily came up with, and they shake on a deal.

Back to Brookfield and David tells Rooooth that Pat’s
on her way over to talk about the compensation. Rooooth’s worried that she’ll
have a lawyer with her and they’re going to sue. Pat does indeed want to talk
about compensation, but she wants more. Tony can’t sell his breeding stock as
IBR free any more and will need to restock. David tries to argue that they’re
not a key part of Pat and Tony’s business, but Pat fairly argues her case and
reassures Rooooth that they won’t sue. You’d think Rooooth would be relived at
that, but no. David again agreed to pay whatever it costs and Rooooth starts
worrying that they’ve written them a blank cheque and they’ll end up owing more
than they can afford. In the middle of all this Pip tries to have it out with
her mother again. Rooooth’s still angry and accuses Pip of taking the farm to
the brink, and it all ends in tears for Pip.

Finally, I don’t know whether anyone else noticed,
but by my reckoning Emma could have set a new world record for making a
cappuccino – under 40 seconds. I don’t know what sort of coffee machine is in
the farm café, but if she is such an accomplished Barista, what on earth is she
doing pulling overnight shifts in the chicken factory? She should get tattoos, Ed
should grow a chin curtain and the pair of them should set up Ambridge’s first
hipster coffee bar.