The Bachelor Recaps #4 AND #5: Double the disappointment

Two recaps in one post, ya’ll, and yes, I’m doubly disappointed in myself. One, for continuing with this disaster of a season at all, and two, for giving up three + extra hours of my life slogging through it here on the blog for another week when only like 54 people are bothering to read it.

It used to be 55 but my husband has somehow managed to hold onto the last shreds of his self respect and I don’t think even he bothers clicking anymore.

Admirable.

BTW, thank you, 54 readers. I’m not sure whether to beg you to stay or encourage you to run while you can. I both love you and worry about you.

I didn’t watch last week’s episode last Monday night and then it took me two full days watching the recorded version in 15 minute increments because it was so painfully boring, not to mention the fact that prolonged exposure to Nick’s disgusting smirk and stinky sexual aura was causing my stomach acid to boil.

Translation? Two full days of Pepto and disappointment.
Don’t get me wrong. The disappointment isn’t in the show — you know how I love The Bachelor and will until my last breath, which I’m sure I’ll use to whisper, “Thanks for the memories, Chris Harrison” — the disappointment isin this season’s players, who I hate with the heat of a million suns, and in myself for continuing to watch, obviously.

And before you can jump in to defend darling Danielle-without-the-boobs, cute Sarah, and well-adjusted Vanessa, let me just say that as much as I like/liked them up until now, after watching last week’s episode I’ve decided THEY’RE IDIOTS. (Keep reading to find out why.)

And then I didn’t watch this week’s episode on Monday night either because I went to dinner with some friends and also because I didn’t want to. But because making fun of writing about asshats is kind of fun and because I adore all 54 of you and know you need to feel better about your own sarcastic and slightly horrible thoughts about this season, I caved.

In the interest of time and my sanity, however, this double-whammy will be kept (kind of) short … but obviously not sweet. Because that’s not how I do.

Grab a glass of milk and set a timer — here’s episode 4’s recap in under two minutes ~

Disclaimer:The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously), because that’s what makes it so much fun.

Let’s sum it up like this:
Corinne is a spoiled brat and a word that rhymes with witch.

The end.

You guys, even I can’t call her that word. You know, the one she keeps calling everyone else.

Basically the first 10 minutes of episode #4 are taken up with all the other girls in the house hating on Corinne and wondering what Nick sees in her and what he’s really on this show for. Because clearly they haven’t watched the previous FOUR TIMES he’s acted THE EXACT SAME WAY.

And then the next five minutes are taken up with all the very same girls who have spent the previous 10 minutes questioning their future with the shallow nymphomaniac enthusiastically accepting a rose and a possible future with him.

The girls lose their minds with excitement when Harrison tells them they’ll be going to Nick’s hometown of Waukesha, Wisconsin because it means they’ll get to spend time with him visiting places he frequented as a kid.
You know, strip clubs and dark alleys.

Danielle-with-the-boobs gets the first one-on-one, and Nick walks her through town before taking her to a grassy knoll where HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY because who wouldn’t want to see that on a first date. After failing to find the brass plaque the city of Waukesha promised him they’d sink in the ground commemorating the landmark, they hit up a local bakery where they decorate cookies in their likenesses and then eat them. It’s weird and gross.

Strolling down the Waukesha sidewalk Nick just happens to notice one of his old girlfriends sitting in a quaint cafe (throw a stone in Waukesha and you’ll hit one — an old girlfriend AND a quaint cafe) who does a crappy job of acting surprised to see him, but a fairly decent job of reciting the script ABC gave her that sort-of-not-really makes Nick seem like a fairly decent guy.

Long story short — Nick likes Danielle-with-the-boobs, mostly because she only wears dresses that are cut to her navel and scotch taped to the edges of her nipples, and he gives her the date rose before taking her to a packed theater where they share an awkward dance to a song by some ABC-contracted dude who is dressed exactly like Nick in front of 1,000 Waukeshans who are losing their minds and trying to catch a glimpse of Danielle’s boobs.

There’s a group date at a barn where the girls have to shovel shit and milk cows — because WISCONSIN — but it’s clear Nick has never in his life done either. Corinne spends the date sitting outside whining about the “poopy” and the cows and the smell and the cold and refuses to participate unless her nanny can be sent in as proxy and someone can bring her some goddammed sushi already.

Later that night Vanessa, who we used to like because she seemed to have maturity, intelligence, and common sense, gives Nick a scrapbook her special ed. students made that shows him all the reasons she’s the one for him and we all remember why we now think she’s an idiot.

Raven is the lucky girl to get the date where she gets to go to little sister Bella’s soccer game and meet Nick’s parents, who, as we’ve seen repeatedly for THE PAST TWO YEARS, seem like a nice, normal couple who adore their son and seem to be cool with ignoring the fact that he’s a disgusting perv and who don’t seem to mind giving ABC the green light to overexpose their youngest daughter ONCE AGAIN on this shit show.

Raven and Bella hit it off at the skating rink and Bella thinks AndiKaitlynJen Raven would be a great new sister-in-law and I pause to set up a GoFundMe for Bella’s years and years of Post Bachelor Traumatic Stress Disorder.

End story? Raven gets the date rose and the rose ceremony begins at a tricked out barn (WISCONSIN!) where Taylor calls Corinne out for basically being a whiny, immature, pornographic child.

Which leads us to….

*See above disclaimer because I’m too tired to copy and paste it again.

The first TWENTY MINUTES are spent rehashing and continuing the Corinne/Taylor feud in case you wonder if ABC also thinks this is the most boring season in history.

After Harrison and Nick have a puzzling conversation where I can’t figure out if they’re talking about the women or the cattle — “I had so much fun with them this week” and “Hard to believe over half of them are gone” — Nick passes out the roses, leaving Corinne’s and Taylor’s for the very end which proves ABC is making damn sure we all know who the real puppet master in this barn is.

The girls lose their shit in the barn…in the airport…on the airplane…and once their feet hit the pavement on the streets of NOLa they begin dancing wildly. Corinne and Danielle-with-the-boobs collect 83 beaded necklaces, and it isn’t even Mardi Gras.

Nick, meanwhile, who is also strolling the streets, tells us that he can’t imagine a more perfect place to fall in love.

Um, I can think of seven that ABC used to pony up the cash for when it was a viable network.

Even Harrison has obviously been told to give this craptastic date week a hard sell because he walks into the JW Marriott and is all “YOU are in NEW ORLEANS!” to the girls with a wide-eyed expression like he’s just told them they were anywhere but.

*disclaimer – People of New Orleans or people who love New Orleans. Relax. I am kidding.Although you have to admit…

The girls spend some time destroying their suite and Corinne calls Raquel to come make up the beds they just jumped all over, and the date cards arrive. Everyone is freaking their shit out because this is the week with the first two-on-one date which Nick was super stoked about until he remembered it wasn’t what he thought it meant.

Rachel gets the one-on-one and Nick takes her touring around a NOLa flea market where they look at crappy souvenirs and eat oysters and sample super hot sauce (because NOLa!) and Nick tries to make us believe he has amazing chemistry with Rachel but she’s flat chested so we know he’s a huge liar.

I like Rachel. I don’t like her hairstyle but I like Rachel. She’s smart and has a cute personality but when she repeatedly tells us how Nick is someone she gets butterflies with and can see a future with and how this is the best date of her life I sigh and throw her in with the rest of the idiots.

Here’s what I need, Rachel, Vanessa, and Danielle-without-the-boobs. I need just one of you to tell Nick what an ass wipe he is and walk the shit away. Do it and you’ll instantly be The Bachelorette and we can all be disappointed but secretly excited.

Back to Rachel’s date.
Obviously the girl knows her NOLa because she knows her beignets and how to dance in a second line and lets loose on the street pretending her umbrella is her vacuum cleaner. Can I just say girlfriend’s GOT MOOVES and it would be so much more entertaining and adorable if she was with like any Bachelor other than Nick.

Except Pavelka.
I hated Pavelka.
So did Vienna.

#neverforget

Nick and Rachel end the night at a super creepy and horrifying Mardi Gras warehouse where they sit and talk and “eat” surrounded by terrifying relics from Mardi Gras floats that would give me nightmares for years. Rachel opens up and shares about her family and Nick tries to act interested.

“Do I have to call him sir? I’m going to call him sir” he says when talking about her father, dropping a huge spoiler for hometowns unless he doesn’t keep her that far and ABC just wants to make sure we know what a loser he is.

Too late.

Nick tells Rachel he’s super into her and gives her the rose in like super slow, cocky motion.

Then she kneels in front of him which looks weirdly like she’s about to do something naughty that he’ll love but WE DON’T NEED TO SEE and he kisses her while holding her face with one hand but keeps his other hand in his lap which begs a question I do not want to know the answer to.

Group Date — some stupid haunted house

The girls on the group date don’t care that the ABC party bus limo drops them in front of a ghost-ridden house because it means they aren’t the two who have to go on the two-on-one.

Nope, that’ll be Corinne and Taylor, because drama.
And ratings.
And total lack of originality.

The haunted house date is stupid and boring which means it’s time to play the YMFT patent-pending game of three words:

super creepy caretaker
name is Boo
course it is
ghost in house
ghost is child
lost her doll
super scripted story
super stupid tour
super stupid girls
believe stupid story

After a day roaming Disney’s Haunted Mansion and getting snookered on Boo’s Mint Juleps, the group sits on the floor under the ghost girl’s portrait surrounded by about 75 lit candles that I keep expecting one of them to kick over and set the whole house ablaze with. There’s more “haunted” shenanigans like Ouija boards and mysteriously rocking horses and dolls that suddenly go missing, but the real fright is how EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of them seems to still be into Nick.

Danielle-with-the-boobs tells Nick she can see herself falling in love with him.Nick: I’m already in love with your boobs.

Danielle-without-the-boobs feels their relationship has gotten deeper but it’s clear Nick isn’t into her. However, just when I’m about to give her a “bless your heart” he gives her the date rose which makes me come thisclose to having a positive feeling for him until I remember he’s a dick.

Back at the JW Marriott Corinne has slathered on a green face mask and is in a bubble bath trying to open a bottle of champagne and ordering a shit ton of room service (wings, caesar salad, steak, and cheesy pasta that Raquel didn’t cook so it’s crap).

Taylor huffs essential oils and tries to nameste Corinne away.

In full disclosure, I didn’t watch the first half of Corinne and Taylor’s date because I’d seen a preview of a snake, and if you know me you know I can’t be within 20′ of a snake, a photo of a snake, a drawing of a snake, or someone even talking about a snake. In fact, just typing it that many times has necessitated 10 minutes of YouTube cat videos.

Thing 1 saved me (as usual) and not only watched but took copious notes, so here’s what I was able to discern:

Corinne and Taylor are going to the Bayou, where there are alligators and s*akes. Fitting.

Corrine once again utters the phrase “make America Corinne again” which makes her look even more like Tiffany Trump than she already does

Taylor lets us know — again — that she has a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling and tells us if Nick picks Corinne he’s really thinking with his dick which means we all have master’s degrees in clinical mental health counseling.

While walking through the scary Bayou they come across some Voodoo priestesses who dance with candles and and seek truth. I guess. TBH I don’t know what the hell they were.

ABC brings in a “reader” to bring clarity and light to the effed up situation, but she feels too much tension and sends Corinne away with Nick so she can read Taylor alone because ABC told her to.

In the scary swamp Corinne basically tells Nick that Taylor is a meanie who hurt her feelings. Nick rewards Corinne’s honesty and maturity with his tongue.

Later he rats out Corinne to Taylor while Corinne has the reader show her how to stick a pin through the heart of her Taylor Voodoo doll.

While Nick ponders the choice he already made way back when he licked Redi-Whip off Corinne’s boob, Taylor and Corinne have it out at their little table in the Bayou.

Nick gives the date rose to Corinne and they chug off in a crappy Bayou boat across the gator-ridden swamp and Nick looks like he’s about to shit himself. Still think it’s the best place to fall in love, scaredy cat?

Taylor ain’t about rejection, though. After telling us Nick and Corinne’s relationship will be “built off whipped cream and lies!” (#mastersinclinicalmentalhealth) she gets cleansed by the Voodoo princesses while scary men with candles dance around her in the dark swamp.

Meanwhile, Nick and Corinne, who has borrowed one of Danielle-with-the-boobs’ halters, are having a dinner of lies when Taylor, who has apparently been absolved of all impurities and is full of the spirits and mysteries of the Bayou, busts in.

Girlfriend ain’t going down without (more of) a fight.

To Be Continued…
Oh boy.

Next week:
Will Taylor throw down with Corinne?
Will Corinne jab pins directly into Taylor?
Will any of us care?
Will Nick ever admit he’s only here to be the next contestant on DWTS?
Will Corinne ever brush her hair?

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Sue K. -Proud to be one of the 54!!! Once again you nailed it. This is the best thing on the internet right now.ReplyCancel

Michelle -Well, while I’m not sure I’d totally agree with that marvelous compliment I will agree that 99% of what’s out there these days (from all sides) is making me sick…er than having to watch Nick for two hours each week. 😛 Love you for that sweet comment and for being a loyal reader! xoReplyCancel