Thursday, July 19, 2012

Ahh, Iceland. Home to platinum blond super-models, Lord of the Rings-esque landscapes, and a peaceful yet proud people. Also, Iceland apparently holds the title as the only first world nation to retain a whit of common sense in the managing of its political and economic affairs. The Ride salutes you, Iceland!

As you may or may not remember, there was a lot of media coverage looking into the economic collapse of Iceland that paralleled the housing market bubble here in the states. Now as I'm sure most of my regular readers have gathered, my understanding of economics essentially boils down to crude stick figure drawings of subjects engaged in stick-rape, but basically the idea is a bunch of bankers stormed into Iceland on armies of marauding elephants and stole every coin in the coffer. Eerily familiar to the events we've been struggling to recover from here in America.

Here's where the story gets interesting. For once, fucking finally, there is a government protecting its people, defending the innocent for the rapacious actions of the world banking cartels. Instead of bailing out the failing banks and allowing the CEOs to receive ludicrous bonuses, Iceland is actually laying criminal charges against those involved in the scandals! That's right, folks! Good ol' fashioned prison sentences! Commit fraud, and you actually go to jail, what a novel concept!

In addition to their hard-line stance against coddling financial criminals, the Iceland government is also taking the method of allowing aid to bubble up from the victims instead of trusting it to trickle down from the offenders. And the result is that the Iceland economy is jumping back with such a bang that the tiny country is now in strong enough a position to respectfully want to keep its economy free from the debilitating integration with the European Union, preferring to make a stand on their own.

Of course, the dust is still settling and the jury is still out on what faces the dice will show when they stop spinning. But maybe if the Icelandic trend of success and solvency continues we will start to get the idea here in America. Even if you believe in the banks and corporations being "too big to fail", that doesn't mean the executives wrists' are too big to be put in cuffs.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

In the great tradition of digging up dirt on Presidential candidates on the road to the White House, a true gem concerning the youthful exploits of Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has surfaced. The source of the tale is a TV producer who apparently was friends with Romney during his time at Stanford, though the article includes an aside to mention that the friendship was quickly terminated. And if the tale is true, you can't blame this guy. What a creep-show.

“He told us that he had gotten the uniform from his father,” George Romney, then the Governor of Michigan, whose security detail was staffed by uniformed troopers. “He told us that he was using it to pull over drivers on the road. He also had a red flashing light that he would attach to the top of his white Rambler. We thought it was all pretty weird. We all thought, ‘Wow, that’s pretty creepy.’ And after that, we didn’t have much interaction with him.”

Seriously? That sounds like some Ted Bundy level psychosis. Talk about a twisted authority complex.

Sounds like just the man to be in charge of the largest weapon stockpile on the planet. Full steam ahead.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The facts: Michael Marin, a wealthy member of the financial elite who made his money on being a Wall Street shark, was charged with arson in relation to the fire that consumed his multi-million dollar mansion. As details about Marin's finances came to light, the authorities found that his bank accounts had suffered significant losses in the wake of financial unrest, and that he was unable to afford the upcoming payments for the property.

According to details I could find on the fire itself, apparently Marin was able to escape the blaze by brilliantly locating his scuba oxygen tank and using it to flee the thick smoke through a window and down a rope ladder to safety. As far as I understand it, the complexity of Marin's escape alone was enough to trigger the curiosity of fire investigators, and in combination with Marin's financial woes the case seemed pretty open and shut. Admittedly, details are hard to find now that most of the updates are concentrating on what happened after the guilty verdict was delivered.

A video provided in the CBS link captures the moments directly following Marin receiving the verdict. Marin can be seen holding his head in his hands, and surreptitiously slipping something from his hands to his mouth. Minutes later, he was dead on the courtroom floor.

While results are still pending regarding a toxicology screen, investigators have found a bottle in Marin's vehicle marked Cyanide. Pretty much settles that one.

And there you have it folks. Add another name to the tally of Wall Street suicides when these colossal egos are faced with the prospect of losing their reputation of being a mover and a shaker. Can't say I blame him. Must be pretty hard to go from Jeeves poppin' caviar to spooning slop from a tray in a cafeteria. Oh, the woe! The torment!

Three Monkeys Say:I'm sorry, sir! You can't cash in your chips here, you'll have to go to the casino cage!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

According to what the article describes as reports coming from the Arabic media, "prominent Muslim clerics have begun to call for the demolition of Egypt’s Great Pyramids—or, in the words of Saudi Sheikh Ali bin Said al-Rabi‘i, those 'symbols of paganism'."

Right. So, if you're like me, your first question should be "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!" An valid question, properly followed by a careful query of "Why?" What possible reason could you have for wanting destroy one of the world's greatest archaeological mysteries, forever denying future generations the delight of looking upon these massive mountains from another era.

The "why" of the issue is thankfully provided by the article. Now, admittedly, I know about fuck-all in regards to Muslim history. It is one area where my personal knowledge is sadly lacking, so if anyone out there can confirm or deny anything in this article, or clarify any piece of it for me so I can digest this a little easier, please speak up in the comments.

My understanding of the issue goes like this. A companion of the Muslim Prophet Muhammad, Amr bin al-As and his Arabian tribesmen, conquered Egypt in 641 AD. From there they embarked on a mission of destroying the local heritage, plagued with pagan images and impurities, with a fervor fit to make a Crusader jealous of their zeal. The article even mentions that while many Western scholars disagree, early Muslim writers attribute the fall of the Library of Alexandria to these same hands.

Yet no matter how much momentum they may have gained melting down statues for precious metals and burning ancient manuscripts, it takes a bit more than a pitchfork and a torch to take down the Great Pyramid. For nearly 1400 years they stood, an apparent thorn in the foot of fundamentalists for centuries. And let's be honest, it's not exactly like they can look the other way, the fucking things are gigantic.

Let's all just hope that some voice of reason hears about this damn soon and throws a stake in the spokes of this machine. This story serves as a perfect example of why I will never understand the great majority of humanity. What the fuck gives someone the idea that they have the right to destroy someone else's heritage based on their own perceptions of its pagan nature? How does one cultivate such an utter lack of respect for other cultures? And honestly, you've fucking deal with their presence for 1400 years. No demons have erupted out of the apex of these monoliths. No plague of locusts has come flooding through the pyramids to salt the land with the tears of the afflicted. Why is it so fucking difficult for people to just leave well enough alone, to live and let live? Guess what kids - on a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone goes to Zero. Get the goddamn twist out of your panties and learn to let shit slide once in awhile. You'll enjoy The Ride much more. Trust me.

Don't you let that Deal Go Down.

Three Monkeys Say:Maybe they just need another Dead show to come around...38 years is a damn long time

Monday, July 9, 2012

Parts of this article read like the opening pages of The Stand by Stephen King. Apocalyptic overtones in spades.

The story goes a little something like this. Amid an apparent struggle to restructure in the wake of some large health care budget changes in the state of Florida, which included the closing of the state's specialist Tuberculosis treatment hospital, a very important memo has gone unnoticed. Nine days after the ink had dried on the papers detailing all of these changes, a CDC officer finished a report detailing the largest outbreak of TB in the area for over 20 years. The CDC report details how, aside from the 13 deaths and 99 contracted illnesses from TB reported, "3,000 people in the past two years may have had close contact with contagious people at Jacksonville’s homeless shelters, an outpatient mental health clinic and area jails. Yet only 253 people had been found and evaluated for TB infection, meaning Florida’s outbreak was, and is, far from contained."

Apparently the infection originally was spreading through areas like homeless shelters, which increased the difficulty of providing proper treatment to those afflicted. According to the article, to treat TB one must undergo a steady regiment of multiple antibiotics, and any faltering in treatment will result in a hardened, resistant strain of the virus. In most cases, hospitals send nurses to homes to ensure patients are properly taking their medication because of the possible consequences for relapse and transmission. One can easily assume the complications that might arise in a situation where TB was spreading through hub sites like a homeless shelter, making it difficult to ensure those afflicted properly complete their antibiotic regimen to ensure the ailment won't further complicate and spread.

And spread she has. Again, from The Palm Beach Post's article, "Furthermore, only two-thirds of the active cases could be traced to people and places in Jacksonville where the homeless and mentally ill had congregated. That suggested the TB strain had spread beyond the city’s underclass and into the general population. The Palm Beach Post requested a database showing where every related case has appeared. That database has not been released."

There's the kicker, boys and girls. If only the flow of information was as evolved a mechanic as the spread of a virus. According to The Palm Beach Post, at the writing of this article many important Florida health officials have not been made aware of the publication of this CDC warning. But furthermore, I find the detailed handling of the flow of information from the officials to the public to be eye-opening. The Post article details how when the infection was thought to be largely contained among the "underclass" of Jacksonville, there was no effort to inform the general public of the outbreak. The article mentions a desire to prevent any "turning away" from the homeless population of the city, at a time when they would surely need a helping heart and hand from the community. OK, that's a nice sentiment, but ultimately doomed.

Would it not be more prudent, especially once the spread of the strain had been noticed as far from Jacksonville as Miami, to dutifully inform the public of the danger? After all, I'm no medical professional, but my understanding of the situation goes that the reason so many of these deadly diseases have quietly died out in America is due to a combination of excellent medicine, and educating the public on ways they can help to stop the spread the disease. The original core of the infection in the "itinerant homeless, drug-addicted, mentally ill" section of Jacksonville's population would likely not be known for following the best sanitary practices, nor could they honestly be expected to recognize the symptoms of this disease. In my eyes then, the clear decision would then be to inform the public. Allow the general populace to keep an open eye for individuals displaying symptoms and try to defeat the hydra before it spawns too many heads.

But fuck, I'm not the CDC. I'm sure they have a million reasons why they knew about this outbreak in April and it wouldn't be a good idea to tell the public until June. Mass Panic. Anarchy. General Disarray. It's bad for business, you know.

And you know what's worse for business? All those damn homeless people sullying the delightful image of Downtown America. After all, who wants to dump money into the tourism industry when there's a bunch of unwashed vagrants clogging the streets.

Ah-Ha! So that's the plan! Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, say no more. I hear you loud and clear.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Roger was there, and he was sitting at the desk, and I came in and I saw this guy sitting behind him--huge, bald, fat guy. I thought, "He looks a bit...strange..." Anyway, so I sat down with Roger at the desk and we worked for about ten minutes, and this guy kept on getting up and brushing his teeth and then sitting--doing really weird things, but keeping quiet. And I said to Roger, "Who is he?" and Roger said "I don't know." and I said "Well, I assumed he was a friend of yours," and he said "No, I don't know who he is." Anyway, it took me a long time, and then suddenly I realized it was Syd, after maybe 45 minutes. He came in as we were doing the vocals for Shine On You Crazy Diamond, which was basically about Syd. He just, for some incredible reason he picked the very day that we were doing a song which was about him. And we hadn't seen him, I don't think, for two years before. That's what's so incredibly...weird about this guy. And a bit disturbing, as well, I mean, particularly when you see a guy, that you don't, you couldn't recognize him. And then, for him to pick the very day we want to start putting vocals on, which is a song about him. Very strange.
—Richard Wright

Rest In Peace, Syd.
6 January 1946 – 7 July 2006

Three Monkeys Say:Aristotle was right - “No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.”

Friday, July 6, 2012

Amazing footage. What really strikes me here is the pure emotion coming from Herbert Morrison, a radio broadcaster from Chicago. You can really feel the pain in his voice while he watches the whole sky light up.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

That's right, folks. OxyContin for 6 year olds. Why pay for the pony rides on field days when you can just slip a little synthetic White Horse into their lunch pails?

In a bid to extend their soon-to-expire exclusive patent on the wildly popular and over-abused pain killer, Purdue Pharma is dropping the big bucks on clinical trials in an effort to get the FDA to approve use of their drug on children. The clinical trials are focused on a group of children from ages 6 to 16, and is currently recruiting participants.

For the sake of science, conducting clinical trials like this are necessary. The fact is, children often metabolize different drugs very differently than adults do, and without scientific experimentation detailing the various results, physicians are operating without all the pertinent facts when considering to prescribe such a high level pain killer to pediatric patients.

Purdue comments will lead you to believe that the company's goal is to widen the breadth of scientific understanding of their drug, and that they have no desire doctors to prescribe their drug to children. But with last year's profits from the drug pushing up over 2.5 billion dollars, and only .3% of all OxyContin prescribed going to patients under the age of 19, it would seem to me Purdue is looking to corner the last holdout of the market.

OK, now, while I am sure there are pediatric conditions that do in fact require a pain killer as strong as OxyContin, though I have never personally encountered one, I feel it is a little inappropriate to open the doors this widely to acceptance of the use of this drug on children. Would it not be better to handle cases as they came on an individual basis, rather than open up the flood gates with a blanket statement saying this drug is OK for the children? Perhaps start with a substance that is less severe and addicting before just jumping the gun and shoving OCs down their throats because, well, the clinical trials say it worked in the past?

But hell, I don't have a degree in Pharmacy. I'm sure we should just trust these people. They obviously know what is best, right?

Eh, fuck it. What's the worst that could happen, right? Who knows, maybe this influx of opiates for the children will fix the horrible face of music these days.

Three Monkeys Say:I don't want to say it was DEFINITELY the drugs...but it makes ya think!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

God, I am so happy I started this back up. For if I hadn't, odds are I never would have stumbled upon this taste of hilarity. So thank you, my loyal readers, for keeping me at the keyboard. I don't know what I would do without you!

“Whether you are looking for commentary, comedy, or culture, CainTV delivers it all", boasts the Facebook page for Herman Cain's new internet TV station. And if the world of mass media has taught me nothing else, I know for damn sure that any idea that can be expressed through alliteration must be true.

Normally, this is where I would dig in my heels for a long winded rant about how Herman Cain is destroying America, yadda yadda yadda. I really don't even need to touch this one. Cain does it so much better than I ever could.

Enjoy.

Three Monkeys Say:Let's give a lamb a gun! Sounds pretty not stupid to me!

Monday, July 2, 2012

To the facts. Military defense megalith Northrop Grumman, along with the rest of the American based defense companies, are pushing for Congress to take a second look at a string of regulations limiting the sales of American made unmanned drone aircraft to other countries. At the moment, exports of such craft are limited by a coalition that was agreed upon during the Cold War, which limits the sale of drone crafts that are capable of flight and cargo load limits over a certain barrier. The idea back then was to limit how easily nations would be able to obtain ballistic missiles in a time when the technology was cutting edge. But now countries like Israel and China, who never signed on to the original agreement all those years ago, are getting to the point that they have quality drone craft for sale to the highest bidder, and American manufacturers are worried about getting cut out of the race.

I'm not gonna lie, folks. The article here actually did a pretty good job of getting me to think that opening up the drones market was a hot plan. I mean, if Israel and China are already on the ball, and if the article is right in projecting a decrease in the Pentagon's budget, then it sort of would make sense to open the doors to new markets. After all, a strong economic recovery is absolutely dependent upon an increase to our national exports, and it seems these days the only thing we're really good at producing is reality TV shows and killing machines. No one would doubt the quality of their purchase when they see the tag on their new billion dollar murder machine is stamped proudly with a Made in America insignia. Delivering Service with a Smile.

But then, thankfully, I shook my head and realized the fatal flaw of this argument. To me, and you're free to disagree here, there is something inherently misguided in the pursuit of stabilizing the sustainability of the military industrial complex. The second you begin to apply the mentality of an organization being too big to fail, which has served us so well with the banking interests in this country, to a murder for hire corporation like Northrop Grumman and its legions of lab coat clad miscreants designing red button after terrible red button, you may as well fully discard any hope of ever being able to legitimately discuss the prospect of world peace. Sure, it may sound like a hippie thing to say, but isn't that really the end goal here? A stop to all the unnecessary violence?

Now, I realize this isn't a dream that can be obtained tomorrow, next week, or even ten years from now, but I believe that allowing this insidious idea to take root in our national identity as a cornerstone to the market of destruction, it will take generations before we can undo the damage. I certainly don't pretend to have an answer for where all of that extra export money could be covered outside selling war machines to other countries, but hell, this is America. I'm sure we can think of something.

Three Monkeys Say:Two men standing on an open green/Twenty paces, no one in between

As part of a lead up to a new show about the search for extraterrestrial intelligence, National Geographic has released the results of a survey focused on public opinion regarding a number of items related to the possibility of the existence of aliens. Some of these factoids are rather telling about the American community, like upwards of 80% of those surveyed believing not only in the existence of extraterrestrials, but also believing that the world governments are involved in a clandestine operation to keep knowledge from the public. Not really news, but good to know. Or the fact that despite the popularity of such films like The Avengers and the Twilight series, most people find the possibility of the existence of aliens more more probably than the existence of vampires, super heroes, or zombies. Which shouldn't really surprise you when you sit and think about it.

But the real winner here, is apparently nearly two thirds of American's believe that President Obama would be better suited to handle the first encounter between humans and an alien race than his political opponent, Mitt Romney. Talk about an angle worth capitalizing on. Print up the posters! Start filming the commercials! If the aliens come, Obama is our only hope!

I must say though, if I had to make a choice between Romney and Obama regarding who I would rather have lead the opening talks between our species and an other worldly intelligence, I would have to pick Obama as well. Mainly because I believe any culture capable of interplanetary travel would have socially evolved past the economic policies of capitalism in favor of a more sustainable economic system, and thus would be confused and angered by anything that came out of Romney's mouth.

Of course, the survey doesn't really discuss why 80% of people think the government is involved in keeping secrets about the existence of aliens, and then still believe that Obama would be the man to pick for opening relations with the visitors from beyond. I mean, if the government is already hiding their existence, wouldn't it be fair to guess that they are already engaged in clandestine meetings with alien leaders, and have been for some time?

Saturday, June 30, 2012

When asked what he felt would be the end result of unchecked global warming, Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson's assertion that the human race will do what we have always done and simply adapt has sent ripples of consternation through the webs of social networks and blogs.

And in a way, Tillerson is right. We will adapt. But what his offhand remarks fail to consider is the staggering amount of time it takes for an organism to adapt to intense climate change. The real question is, will we adapt quick enough?

Beyond his remarks regarding his faith in the evolutionary process, Tillerson goes on to discuss how he feels that science is not yet at a point where it can accurately predict the path and rate of climate change as effected by global energy companies like Exxon. So, if he believes climate change to be such a slow moving monster, what scientific proof does he have to support his belief that organisms will be capable of adapting as quickly, if not quicker, than the rate the environment changes around them? Sure, single celled organisms can adapt and change according to their surroundings at a remarkable rate, but such changes in genetic structure are a touch more complicated for more complex organisms like mammals.

Really, there's only one thing I have to say at the end of the day regarding Tillerson's comment. Whether you agree with him or not, you have to admit it takes a serious level of Sack to get up in front of the world like that and basically say "Fuck off and get used to it." You can't see it in the picture posted with the article, but I'm pretty sure Old Man Rex needs a wheelbarrow to carry around that much sack. Jesus Christ.

Three Monkeys Say:'Scuse me! 'Scuse me! The man with big balls is here to testify!!

Friday, June 29, 2012

Yeah, I fell off the radar for a little while. Meandering around, engaging in acts of gross mischief and anarchy. Yet still, this prolonged absence from reaching out to you, my adoring masses, has left me with an empty feeling in my chest.

So let's do this. The machine never sleeps, so neither can I. Bring it on.

Three Monkeys Say:Fix your bent antennae, tune it in and then I'm gonna
enter in and up under your skin like a splinter!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The 1998 Robert Smigel animated short film "Conspiracy Theory Rock", part of a March 1998 "TV Funhouse" segment, has been removed from all subsequent airings of the Saturday Night Live episode where it originally appeared. Michaels claimed the edit was done because it "wasn't funny". The film is a scathing critique of corporate media ownership, including NBC's ownership by General Electric/Westinghouse.

Three Monkeys Say:Everything seems so easy when explained by a School House Rock jingle.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

You know, I normally try to make a rule about not dedicating posts to discussing social media trends.

But damn it, I can't think of anything else to write about today, and this Twitter hash-tag has me in stitches.

The National Security Agency has recently claimed that hacktivist groups like Anonymous could, within the next year or two, be both capable and malicious enough to take down sectors of the power grid with their computer voodoo. In response, a well known Twitter account associated with Anonymous accused the NSA of fear mongering, saying that such an attack against the power grid, which many Americans with specific medical needs depend on daily, would be a direct contradiction to the goals of the group.

What has jumped out of this is the Twitter hash-tag #NSATheyKnowShit. I'll share a few of the gems here, but do a search for it yourself. It's worth your time. Assuming of course you have as much time to waste as I do.

1. Hackers are the reason I can't ever fold those stupid bedsheets with the elastic corners. #NSATheyKnowShit
2. Hackers are the reason that I stubbed my toe #NSAtheyknowshit
3. Hackers are the reason I can't remember last night #NSATheyKnowShit
4. Son, hackers are the reason your mother and I got divorced. #NSAtheyknowshit
5. Hackers are the reason why the rum is always gone! #NSATheyKnowShit
6. hackers are the reason you can't whistle while eating crackers #NSATheyKnowShit
7. ...hackers are responsible for Bieber #NSAtheyknowshit
8. Hackers are the reason why vampires nowadays turned into sparkling shit #NSAtheyknowshit
9. Hackers are the reason Al Gore believes in global warming #NSATheyKnowShit
10. Hackers are the reason one cannot simply walk into Mordor! #NSAtheyknowshit

How's that for a top 10 list? Eat your heart out, Letterman.

In closing, since I have no idea what YouTube video could possibly match up with something so absurd, it's time for something completely different.

Three Monkeys Say:No fish were harmed in the filming of that clip. We think...

Thursday, February 16, 2012

OK, it was all fun and games when the headlines were telling of mass avian suicide last year, with bird death tolls inexplicably rising into unheard of numbers. Or the stories of millions of fish dying across the globe. We all stood around the water coolers and quipped that surely this would be a herald of the end of days, and laughed. Well friends, I'm no longer laughing with this next story.

According to LiveScience, dolphins have been beaching themselves in record numbers across the globe. In Cape Cod alone about 5 times the average number of dolphins over a period of 12 years have died so far. Rescue workers are doing their best to save the creatures, but reports are making the fight seem an uphill battle.

The piece goes on to provide a number of plausible explanations for the odd occurance, ranging from the old standby Global Warming to disease and movement of prey. But there is no mention of apocalyptic explanations, or the similarity to the dolphins in Douglass Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, in which the world's population of dolphins flees the earth moments before it is obliterated to make room for a new intergalactic super highway. Is it possible that these intelligent sea creatures are shuffling off this mortal coil and fleeing to the astral plane ahead of some unforeseen catastrophe?

Forget possible. It's a fact. You heard it here first kids. Shout it from the mountain. The sky is indeed falling.

Three Monkeys Say:Some one call the expert, this needs to be investigated. Post-Haste.

Apparently all jazzed up on the win of officially declaring pizza sauce to be a vegetable contributing to a balanced meal, whatever Godless government association that's responsible for making these calls is swinging for the fences.

As the story goes, a young preschooler was stopped from eating her homemade bagged lunch when a state worker had deemed that her meal did not meet federal regulations for a complete and balanced meal. The agent was doing his patriotic duty of inspecting the lunch boxes of all the preschooler's when he declared that the child's lunch, which was comprised of a turkey and cheese sandwich, a banana, apple juice, and a bag of chips, did not meet the guidelines set down by the US Department of Agriculture. The article goes on to discuss how any child that is found with a bagged lunch deemed to be lacking in nutrition, the child will be provided for from the school cafeteria, and the parents will be charged for the cost of the school lunch.

Which is exactly what happened. The child was provided with a cafeteria lunch tray, on which was piled a heaping helping of healthy...chicken nuggets. Of which the child ate only three pieces, and then returned to finish out her day at class.

OK. Now, I suppose I can understand the requirement for children to have nutrious meals provided for them. Where I start getting confused is how this requires having an agent from the state inspecting lunch boxes. Beyond that, if they so clearly have a problem with kid's not getting enough good food, how is it that the child was able to eat only three of her chicken nuggets without this same agent making sure she finished the entire meal? After all, the nutritional value of an item is pretty much a moot point if you don't eat the damn thing.

But even better, what guidelines are they going by that declared this child's lunch lacking? OK, I guess I can understand the potato chips if you're going to get crazy about the whole thing, but in what world is replacing a turkey sandwich with a pile of processed chicken goo a step in the right direction?

See kids, this is what happens when you let the feds into the cafeteria. Nothing is an acceptable food item unless it comes prepackaged in a non-labeled GMO package straight from the Monsanto trucks. Don't worry though, I'm sure it's just a matter of time before all food available for sale meets these unpublished guidelines, and we can save a little money on the men in black investigating your children's paper bags.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

They say excuses are like assholes. Everyone's got one, and they all stink. What makes my excuse different is I don't care to share it with you. Just know that I have no legitimate reason for missing all this time. Sure, I could spin you a yarn about taking a brief leave of absence to allow the news reels to gain a bit of a head start so I'd have more to talk about, but it would feel hollow and empty. So, why don't we both just make a promise to pretend this never happened, and we'll keep plugging along like I've been here with you the whole time. Fuel up, rev your engines, and pop this bitch out of neutral. Let's do this.

It's that time of year again - that special day when Cupid flutters his fat little wings, flitting from tree to tree shooting heart tipped arrows with the sort of utter disregard for tact and propriety usually reserved for private speak-easy meetings on Capitol Hill involving leather and lace, water sports and bear mace.

Maybe I'm just aging, but I find it increasingly difficult to understand the social roots for these strange little steps we all agree to dance. In an effort to compile something worth while for you all this morning, I chose to valiantly wade deep into the morass of Valentine's Day (henceforth abbreviated as VD) opinion stories on the various news circuits. I've matured past my youthful days of getting a good gut laugh out of the over-hyped sentimentality of the whole affair. And I believe I'm past my conspiratorial ranting about capitalist schemes plotted in collusion between the fields of dental hygiene and blood diamond markets to produce a tidy first quarter profit. Instead, I find myself overcome with an underwhelming lack of interest. Another thousand words on how social media is the death of romance, or a vignette from some quack shrink about how seriously you take the validity of VD is telling of how serious you take your relationships and I'll be forced to politely ask my big friend Chief to kindly wipe the glazed drool off my chin before he puts his weight on top of the pillow.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's anything insidious about the emotion of love. I'm just trying to add my voice to the much belabored point that this image of love that has been cultivated in the social subconscious these past few decades is simply unrealistic. The very concept of VD as a special day where you can step up and assert your romantic love for a person enough in a day that it will carry all year is ludicrous. Go ahead, strap on your leather jacket and hold a boom box under her window and blast Peter Gabriel until the cows come home. What the fuck are you going to talk about once the batteries on your ghetto blaster die out, though? Go and blow your overtime on the bouquet of GMO Monsanto Roses. Sure, they may stay in bloom an extra month, but I hope you have some pretty sweet smelling bullshit to fill the air with once those flowers finally wither and die. True love is not something that can be measured in candy hearts and candle-lit dinners. And this notion we're inundating our children with, that romance is as simple as a cardboard X-Men valentine and a creamy-filled chocolate, will be what eventually leads to the death of Cupid's touch. We place all this absurd attention on the courting process, that it seems we've forgotten the basics of human interaction. After all, what good will all those expensive French dinners do you when you realize you're suddenly 50 and can no longer stand the sight of the love of your life, simply because you never learned how to get to know her in the first place?

Is there a point to all this? Not really. It's my first day back and I just wanted to stretch the fingers over the keyboard and play a little bit. But I'll try and find one for you, so you don't feel like I've put you in a dour mood without reason. If you really want to celebrate VD this year, try and give this a shot. Go down to the mall and return the earrings. Call up the restaurant and cancel your reservations. Go down to wherever your significant other is working today, fake a family emergency to get them out of there, and just go home. Spend a few hours learning to be comfortable looking into their eyes, instead of stammering over empty conversation while wax drips onto the over-priced silk table cloth. Make sure you've got all these little basics covered before you nervously try and pull a flourish. After all, you need to learn to walk before you can waltz.

Three Monkeys Say:Throw on those Victoria's Secret wings and get your arrows baby. Let's get kinky.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Uterus Didelphys. A condition characterized by the presence of a second womb and cervix.

After appearing on TV last week to talk about her incredible condition, Hazel Jones is fending off advances from various interests in the adult film industry looking to make her the next big porno-star. Offers have already come from famed Vivid entertainment, promising one million dollars, plus travel and accomadations, for Ms Jones to appear in one of their films. You can understand the draw - just imagine the possibilities having a second vagina opens for the real of adult film!!

Oddly enough though, Jones has said she will never accept any offer to star in an adult film, regardless of the price tag. I find this to be more than a little curious, as the woman seemed to have no problem going on television to talk about her condition. Why come out to the world in such a public fashion, and then squelch at the big money shot (pun intended). Indeed, I find it very strange that Ms Jones would so willingly go on to a televised program to discuss her rare condition, and then answer these grandiose offers with a curt "I just want to be left alone". Yeah, cause nothing spells "I want to be left alone" like going on TV talk shows.

On a quick side note, the tiny details provided by this article are positively delightful. Like the fact that Ms Jones has no problem showing curious women her dual-snatch at cocktail parties, as she finds the condition to be a great ice-breaker. Or the fact that she turned down surgery to fix her ailment due to the possible side-effect of long term scarring - apparently two neat vaginas are sexier than one overly scarred one. And finally, Jones was completely unaware of her condition until a long-term boyfriend informed her that she was different from other girls in the genital area, prompting her to see a doctor. Honestly, how did this girl make it through sexual education without figuring out something was woefully out of place between her legs?

I'll tell you one thing for damn sure, though.

Three Monkeys Say:Her vulva is one of Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Information regarding some of the seedier realities of long-term police surveillance are now being released, specifically the tactic of police spies fostering intimate relationships with women involved in political activism.

Two police officers from England are now under fire for fathering children with women in the name of cultivating a believable persona in infiltrating political activist groups. The article from The Guardian does not go into specifics regarding what activist groups these men were involved in, but they must have been pretty nefarious. The article does however paint a pretty picture of police spies who had no involvement in the lives of the children that were created, even indirectly, at the will of the state.

Comments from various police chiefs assert that this behavior is not encouraged in their departments, but the fact remains that these children exist. It's a little bit like police departments requiring officers to meet unreasonable arrest quotas in their departments, and then throwing them under the bus when the same departments are involved in planting evidence. The department may not have encouraged these men to father children in order to secure their secretive positions, but someone obviously instilled in these officers a feeling that it would be preferable to father a bastard than to fail in their espionage mission.

The article goes on to lightly explain a history of these activities stretching back to the mid-80s, with at least 8 women coming forward with charges of immoral behavior being laid against the police. And as the article hints, as the news of this story begins to snowball and gain steam we will surely see more women come out with similar claims.

So much for the police standing as a shining beacon of morality, huh?

Three Monkeys Say:You who've never done nothing but build to destroy
You play with the world like its your little toy

Friday, January 20, 2012

A group of scientists believe they have successfully matched the murder pattern of a famous Russian serial killer to the same formulas that help to predict earthquakes, stock market crashes, and epileptic seizures. Of course, I was utterly unaware that there was already a formula in place for predicting these "impossible to predict" events, so that's news to me too.

Now, the article gives a bunch of mathematical quasi-scientific mumbo-jumbo to explain their findings. And my gut reaction is to say it's all a load of shit. But then again, I've been wrong before. The interesting piece to me is the apparent lack of data supporting their claims. Sure, they've mapped out this one specific serial killer from Russia, but I don't see much data on Bundy, Gacy, or any of the other heavy-weight serial killers.

What is interesting is the effect this study could have on the judicial system's handling of serial killers. After all, if it can be scientifically proven that a killing spree is as natural an event as an avalanche, than how can we possibly punish someone for an offense that is so obviously out of their control?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

In a bid to take a bite out of the never ending conflict between rail companies and the freeloaders that steal the service, PT KAI is looking to take an interestingly new approach to the problem.

The railway firm will be installing large concrete balls, called Goal Bola-bolas, or "Goal Ball", which are to be hung from a goal post like apparatus by chains to the precise height of the on-coming train. The goal here is to make it impossible for freeloaders and hobos to ride on the tops of these trains for free without being pulverized by this Indiana Jones-esque defense system.

This new method of approach is being tested after the admitted failure of using personnel to carry out raids of the train roofs. In a delightfully Orwellian comment from the spokesman for PT KAI, manager Akhmad Suyadi said the goal balls were "intended to provide safety and comfort to passengers and not to cause harm".

Now of course, all of this is happening in Indonesia, on the other side of the world. But I don't see it taking too much longer before these systems get installed on commuter rails all over the world.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Makes me kinda glad I don't work in the service industry anymore. Then again, if the man in the following story had been me, you'd best believe I'd be cleaning up after this one. Party time - litigation style.

John Castle is finding himself in a little hot water after a recent altercation at a swanky Florida dining establishment went violent. Castle, millionaire CEO and member of the high-class Club Colette, became enraged when his waiter broke restaurant protocol and dropped the check on his customer's table.

Apparently patrons at Club Colette all have a running tab with the house, so as to not be embarrassed by everyday troubles like arguing over the bill at a table. Castle, so enraged by the staff's lack of decorum in this regard, grabbed his server's hand and began "squeezing and twisting" his fingers. While the employee complained to management regarding his customer's behavior, the report was shrugged off and largely ignored.

That is of course until the pain persisted and the waiter, 57 year-old Paul Kucick, went to the hospital and discovered that Castle had broken one of his fingers. Ca-Ching!! Jackpot, baby!

Now, traditionally I don't support the overly-litigious knee jerk reactions that have become so commonplace in this country. But in this case, fuck this asshole. Nail him to the wall, and hit him where it hurts.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Oh, how I've been waiting for this day. Martin Luther King Day. I have a dream, and it's here at last.

You see, as most of you probably don't know, I have a little personal tradition of sharing a specific internet video every year on Martin Luther King Day. And seeing as I started this here blog in February of last year, I have not yet had the opportunity to share the clip with you, my loyal and rabid readership. So, without further ado, allow me to latitude the completion, Hoover-bitches!

Three Monkeys Say:Martin Luther Kang Junior was a boss pimp. Thus, every year on his birthday, they play marathons of Sanford & Son on TV!

Now, I know how much we all love those little year end "Best of 20__" lists. But this one here tops the charts. Next time you go on a bender and wake up thinking you'll never drink again, just take comfort in knowing that no matter how wrecked you got, you didn't pull a stunt like one of these. Unless of course you are one of the people discussed in this collage, in which case I salute you. Way to push the envelope.

What this list from BuzzFeed describes is a broken down and organized compilation of the most popular foreign objects that had become lodged in various body cavities and thus had to be removed by medical professionals in 2011, separated by the orifice they became stuck in. Among the list of top offenders you'll find things like a strawberry getting stuck in someone's ear, dry ice getting caught in the throat, and even a glass vial of cocaine which became lodged in some unlucky woman's vaginal canal. Sweet Jesus. The list even has an entire list of items, from pen caps to paper clips, that had to be dislodged from the male urethra. That's right, kids! Penile penetration! So the next time you go on thinking you're some wild mother fucker, take a good second to really think about how far you're willing to go for your kicks.

Of course, as most of you degenerates probably expected, the list of objects that became stuck in people's rectums is by far the longest represented. Ranging from a golf ball to a, and I'm following BuzzFeed's description here, "Baby Bottle Used in Kinky Sex", the list goes from silly to staggering. Though on a personal note, I found the separate listings for various dildos to be a tad redundant. There's really no need to specify whether the toy vibrated or not, or whether it was made of glass, plastic, or rubber. Pretty sure we all just need to become very aware of the dangers of playing too rough.

Now, for those of you curious about how such a thing might happen, I imagine it might go a little something like this.

Friday, January 13, 2012

And what a special Friday it is! The 13th of the month! That ever so delightfully superstitious day where people avoid black cats, refuse to walk under ladders, and generally go about their day's business with a horse shoe placed firmly in their rectal cavity.

Now, I bet you were all expecting me to come out with some great post explaining the history of Friday the 13th and why western culture seems to be so obsessed with it. Well, Fuck You! Do the research yourself. I'm not here to deliver everything on a silver platter, damnit.

But I will deliver some crunchy grooves for ya. After all, I don't want you feeling like I've completely wasted your time. Enjoy.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Early Tuesday morning a group of eight capuchin monkeys made a daring escape from a Brazilian Zoo, in which the leader of their little coterie used a small stone tool to break the lock on the monkey pen and make a mad dash for freedom. At the time of the writing of the linked article, half of the group had been recovered, including the eldest capuchin Ceará, who zookeepers believe to be the mastermind of the operation.

According to Zoo coordinator Gladis Dalamina, this isn't the first time the monkeys have tried to make a bid for freedom, though this is the first time they have illustrated such complex problem solving skills. Monkeys using tools in the wild, like cracking hard nuts with stones, is not a totally uncommon occurance. But what Ceará and his friends did, using a stone to break and remove the wholly unnatural human device of a lock on a cage, is unprecedented.

Admittedly, the TreeHugger article gets a little sentimental for my taste, understandably so considering the source of the article. But none-the-less, this is an absolutely wild fucking story. Planet of the Apes style.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Ahh, finally. Someone taking a shot at one of those lazy lay-abouts that just wants to make up lawsuits. And by "Someone" I mean Pepsi-Co. Is using "someone" appropriate in this instance, seeing as the Pepsi-Co. is a person?

An Illinois man is suing Pepsi-Co. for damages associated with supposedly finding a dead mouse in his can of the popular soft drink, Mountain Dew. And Pepsi-Co is fighting back. With science.

Apparently the lawyers representing Pepsi have just submitted an affidavit to the court from a veterinarian who makes some interesting claims. According to Lawrence McGill, due to the acidic nature of the beverage, after a period of 4 to 7 days the mouse (or any other small rodent, for that matter) would essentially liquify, with the soda removing all the calcium from the critters "bones and boney structures". After thirty days of submersion, the mouse would be rendered to nothing more than a gooey, jellied substance. As McGill put it, the only part of the mouse that could possibly be recognizable would be a portion of its tail.

Seeing as the plaintiff in this case opened his can of Mountain Dew 74 days after bottling, then according to Pepsi-Co's expert witness there is no way he could have pulled a mouse out of the can. More likely, the rodent would look like something out of the closing scene of Altered States.

You gotta wonder how much time the Pepsi legal department spent on weighing the numbers of the cost of a settlement, versus openly asserting that their soda can dissolve flesh and bone. Apparently they will lose less money letting this information out into the public than they would just paying the Illinois guy off for his silence. Which I find to be utterly mortifying.

Three Monkeys Say: Mt. Dew will tickle your innards, 'cause there's a bang in every bottle!!

As the story goes, the popular Rainbow 6 video game series, based off Tom Clancy's best-selling novels, will place the focus of its next installment on battling a domestic terrorist group calling themselves True Patriots, who appear to be a much more militant minded group with the same basic ideals of the OccupyWallStreet protests. While the real protests are languishing in their drawn death rattle, the machine they sought to bring down is scraping up the greenbacks off their corpse in any way they can. Video game producers UBISOFT will not be releasing this game until some time in 2013, so likely by that point most of America will have completely forgotten the events of the fall of 2011 that lead to the inspiration for this concept.

I have to say, the trailer they released for this game looks pretty bad-ass. It might just be the fact that I can't help but find myself a little aroused when I see a banker take the butt of an automatic weapon to the jaw, but I really want to play this game. Check it out.

See, my only thing here is I don't much care for the article's comparison of the fictional True Patriots to the OWS people. Sure, some of their apparent stated goals are similar. But they're also resoundingly close to the manifestos released by some of the Montana Militia out in the mid-west that are stockpiling arms and waiting anxiously for the day they can stand up and take their country back by force. Why drop the easy comparison to the highly publicized OWS protests when it doesn't take much digging to compare the extremists in the game to some frighteningly real organizations with much more similar violent backgrounds? Seems to me to be hitting a bit below the belt to try and demonize a peaceful organization when there are so many wing-nuts sitting in basement bomb shelters counting ammunition as I type this.

Three Monkeys Say:Wonder if you have the option to play as the terrorists??

As smokers are corralled out of parks, bars, stadiums, theaters, and virtually any public place imaginable into back alleys (provided they are at least 10 feet from the entrance of any establishment), the groaning lament of tobacco enthusiasts is eclipsed only by the clamoring of still more regulations to be put in place.

And that is exactly what is happening with the new practices that are starting to be used in the health care sector in regards to hiring their employees. Deciding that forbidding smoking while on the clock is no longer enough, several hospitals have declared that any employee who tests positive for nicotine in a urine test will not be eligible for employment. While popular among hospitals, these regulations are also finding homes in other fields. The new Hollywood Casino in Toledo, OH will be enforcing a no-smoker hiring policy when it opens this year, and the Alaskan Air Lines corporation has had such a policy in place for a decade and a half.

As the line goes, the new-found popularity of these bans of smoking employees is not an attack on workers liberty, but an attempt to curb the negative effects of long-term smoking. The article quotes the CDC as saying that "each year, smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke causes 443,000 premature deaths and costs the nation $193 billion in health bills and lost productivity".

Right. I have no idea how one calculates "lost productivity", but I am certain it's a rigorous and scientific process.

In defense of the regulations, Marcy Marshall of the Geisinger Health System in Danville, Pa has said "We're trying to promote a complete culture of wellness. We're not denying smokers their right to tobacco products. We're just choosing not to hire them." Fair enough. I suppose that is your prerogative as an employer. However, like nearly every other recommendation that receives attention in the political arena, the ban on employing smokers is a slippery slope to friendly fascism.

After all, if the concerns here are for lowering the cost of health insurance for employers, then how long before the morbidly obese are refused employment based on the same grounds? Or maybe the overly-caffeinated? Someone in the comments section of the article makes the point that she already works for an employer who refuses to hire women who have children, as he refuses to cover the additional time off many parents require to care for their children. Sounds a little cold-hearted, doesn't it?

Why jump straight to the option of barring employment to smokers, though? Why not instead add an extra deduction from their paycheck to cover the costs of smoking, if that is indeed what your adult employee chooses to do? It's the same opinion I have with state-sanctioned bans on smoking in privately owned establishments. Why not give a bar owner the option to choose if they would like to allow smoking or not in their place of business? Seems to me like a few too many choices are being made for us in this land of the free.

Three Monkeys Say:It should be illegal to listen to this song without a lit cigarette!!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

As we gear up for the madness that is the Presidential electoral cycle, I can happily say that a man has thrown his hat into the ring that we as Americans can gleefully stand behind and support. And his name is Vermin Supreme.

Check out this video of Mr. Supreme at the Lesser-Known Democratic Candidates Presidential Forum. You can't miss him. He's the dude with the wizard beard and the giant rubber boot on his head.

It's just so beautiful. God bless this man. And seriously, how awesome would it be to have an executive leader on the books named President Supreme? Seems to me the only logical step to ensure we survive the coming years.