Subscribe to YourTango newsletter

Think You Hate Oral? 4 Reasons To Give 'Going Down' A Chance

It's more intimate than intercourse ... so it's worth learning to LOVE.

There is no intimate act portrayed more unfavorably in the media than oral sex. Every time it's in the news, people who shouldn't be doing it are doing it somewhere they shouldn't.

Years ago, Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky infamously ruined cheap dresses and expensive cigars in the Oval Office. Chloe Sevigny serviced the ever-grimy Vincent Gallo—with no camera tricks—at the end of the atrocious 2003 film, The Brown Bunny.

And, as a report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed, half the teenagers in America are having oral sex, quite possibly in the downstairs rec room while mom and pop watch TV upstairs entirely unaware.

But even years of bad publicity can't explain why this particular act is often a source of dissatisfaction and anxiety for couples. After all oral sex is arguably even more intimate than intercourse.

Oral sex is intensely pleasurable for men and—because of direct clitoral stimulation that's all-but-impossible during intercourse—especially pleasurable for women. Problems arise, however, because oral sex taps into a wide range of insecurities, fears, and neuroses. Pleasuring someone is usually a solo performance, which is nerve-racking.

If you're giving it, you should feel extremely comfortable with (as biologists say) your partner's crotch. Conversely, if you're receiving it you should feel extremely comfortable with your own. The net result leaves one or both partners wanting more, wanting less, or simply wanting to beat their heads against a wall.

"Oral sex is one of the most highly erotic, loving, and satisfying sexual activities you can indulge in," says Dr. Ava Cadell, a sex therapist and the author of The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Oral Sex. "It's part and parcel of being a great lover. So, if one person wants it and the other doesn't, it can be a dealbreaker in a relationship."

According to the CDC,about 90% of men and women have oral sex at some point in their lives, but that doesn't mean they continue to have it regularly (or even that they liked it in the first place). The reasons why some folks aren't up on "going down" are a Freudian's, er... wet dream.

People fear it's unhygienic, they dislike the taste, they worry their technique is bad, or they simply find it generally unpleasant putting faces in places swimsuits cover.

You should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but you should do what you can to overcome hang-ups that not only limit your own pleasure, but your partner's as well. A simple explanation or a reasonable compromise easily solves any hesitation about oral sex.

Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First and He Comes Next, suggests, "If it's a question of cleanliness, you can shower with your partner and get clean together. If a guy feels it's distasteful, he needs to know that the vagina is a self-cleaning ecosystem. By the same token, a woman may want to combine oral with manual stimulation to avoid swallowing, and ask her boyfriend not to thrust if she's afraid of gagging. You just have to work in slow steps" (or lightening-fast ones, depending on the nature of your motivation).

3. Oral is better when your partner sees how aroused YOU are by pleasuring THEM.

Tiffany, a 27-year-old banker, had dated her boyfriend Peter for about eight months, but she had never performed fellatio on him. "I didn't enjoy it," says Tiffany, "But one evening we were out with his friends and I overheard them refer to his ex with a nickname that strongly implied she was good at giving head. I got jealous, so that night I went down on him with the goal of outperforming her. He went nuts, which I loved."

If you don't have such stiff competition to spur you on, note that the receiver shouldn't be the only person who is enjoying himself. Watching your partner get turned on because of your expertise—and you have a remarkable vantage point from which to do so—is extremely pleasurable in itself.

If one person truly enjoys giving but dislikes receiving, there's nothing wrong with a one-way street. Dr. Cadell says, "People who don't enjoy oral sex generally have a psychological block. Like any other sexual activity, it all starts between the ears."

4. Don't let sex become a bargaining chip in your relationship.

Oral sex can also start at the bargaining table. For example, Angela, a 32-year old nurse, and her boyfriend, Vince, had a problem that apparently plagues all stand-up comics: at the end of the day, he wanted sex; she felt tired and just wanted a massage.

"I jokingly suggested that if he would give me a massage that night, I'd give him a blow job when I was more awake the next day," explains Angela. "He was totally into the idea; although, he was much better about keeping his commitment. I don't like to give blow jobs when I'm not in the mood for sex."

Caution: If you use bargaining chips in your relationship, oral sex will soon have all the appeal of taking out the garbage, or picking up dry cleaning. Instead, make your requests for oral into a game that everybody wins.

And speaking of winners, Trudy's friends nearly choked on their chardonnay when the 25-year-old described her husband's, uh, spirited oral sex demands:

"He goes down on me pretty much every night," says Trudy, who's clearly blessed with the luck of all the shamrock-picking drunks in Ireland. "In fact it isn't unusual for me to get a little tired of it and try to pull him up. Sometimes he relents, but other times he's more persistent and insists on making me orgasm."

The poor woman confesses that oral activity always leads to good ol' fashioned sex, but does it also mean she must go down on him every night? No! Not by a long shot. Their arrangement works because both people end up satisfied.

Regardless of the politics in your bedroom, the point is to give oral sex a chance.

"Don't let fear determine what you do—let pleasure," suggests Dr. Sharna L. Striar, a certified sex therapist in New York City. "It's fun, it adds variety, it heightens pleasure, but it's a very intimate act and because one person is so exposed, it's also very private. So you need to communicate your wants and needs."

But please, do so before going down on your partner. It's not polite to talk with ... well, you get the idea.

#25: In A Parking Lot

Cars have always been a popular spot to grab a quickie, probably because the line between public space and private space is slightly blurred, and also perhaps because it reminds you of the wild and carefree days of being a teenager. It's illegal (if someone sees you), but otherwise, go for it! We recommend secluded areas of parking lots at night. If you're feeling really daring, try it out during the day.

#24: In A Fitting Room

We all know how much guys hate waiting for their significant others to try on clothes, so it should come as no surprise that so many of our readers reported spicing up the experience by having sex in the fitting room. This was one of our most common responses!

#23: Public Restroom

Public restrooms may not be the most ideal location for a rendezvous, but they're more popular than you may think. Possibly because you're more than likely just going to be asked to leave the venue if you're caught than to be arrested? If you're going to try this out, we recommend trying standing positions to avoid touching gross things. Handi Wipes help too.

#22: At A Hospital

Shockingly, many of our readers felt comfortable enough to have sex in hospital bathrooms as employees, or hospital rooms as visitors. Because most hospital workers are busy and visitors are preoccupied with their ailments, hospitals apparently have the potential to be a great place for public sex. Go figure.

#21: On A Boat

The middle of a lake or the ocean could be quite a wild place to have sex. Because there are very few people around you run a low risk of getting caught ... though the possibility is still there. Plus, water can be very erotic — unless you fall in.

#20: In Front Of A Large Window

Are you an exhibitionist? Well, this one's for you. It has all the effect of having sex outside without the discomfort. This unusual location provides an interesting view for you, and perhaps for onlookers below. We recommend this for anyone who wants the thrill of getting caught or likes an audience. Just please don't fall out.

Image Credit: Getty Images

#19: At Work

Everyone has some sort of sexual fantasy, but few are brave enough to act on it. You'd be surprised how many of our readers were brave enough to get down in their, their spouses' or someone else's office space. Bathrooms, private offices and conference rooms are all great for forbidden sex, if you're sure your boss isn't around.

Image Credit: iStock

#18: In A Movie Theatre

Movie theaters have always been a popular place for teenage make-out sessions. Take that one extra step in adulthood.

#17: At A Wedding

Weddings are notorious for the hook-ups they encourage. There's just something about celebrating other peoples' love and the abundance of alcohol.

Image Credit: iStock

#16: On A Balcony

Be it the balcony of a boat or hotel while on a romantic getaway, or the balcony of your apartment building, this is undoubtedly a great place for public sex. For the most part, you need only worry about your neighbors hearing or seeing you, but that's half the excitement, isn't it? Use outdoor furniture or balcony railings to your advantage when considering positions in this unusual location. And once again, please don't fall off.

#15: Under The Bed

We're not really sure why anyone would be having sex under a bed, and that's why it made our countdown. However, should you find yourself in this situation, positions in which both partners are laying on their side may be best, given the limited space available. Have fun...

Image Credit: Thinkstock

#14: At A Church

A surprising number of readers reported that they had gotten it on in a church or church yard. Must be the taboo factor.

Image Credit: Getty Images/Hemera

#13: On A Rooftop

Many of you admitted to having a romantic encounter on a rooftop at one time or another. This kind of rendezvous can actually be pretty private -- but you get the same adrenaline rush as having sex in a public place. For some real romance, bring a blanket and picnic basket and then get it on under the stars.

#11: On A Golf Course

Some sex on a golf course is "par for the course," no? Sex with sweaters around your shoulders? Count us in. As our editor Tom says, "Something something something hole in one. Also, it's much better if you don't count your strokes."

Image Credit: iStock

#10: In The Snow

That's one way to beat the cold! You know all that sledding and ice skating could lead to some friskiness. Plus, if you bury yourselves under the snow, you won't get caught.

#7: In A Cemetery

#6: In A Car With Passengers

Okay, one thing is doing it in a car with no one else around, in a secluded parking lot. But this is a different story. Surprisingly, a few of our readers were daring enough to try this one. The trick to having sex in this unusual location is being SUPER-DUPER discreet. Although having passengers in the car is what makes this so racy, you really don't want them to know what's going on.

#5: In The Press Box At An NFL Game

NFL games can be a little slow for some of us. What better way to pick up the pace? The luxury of a press box gives you privacy and separates you from the rest of the fans, but is just public enough to get your adrenaline going! A mid-game quickie is likely to be a welcome distraction. Just don't miss any important highlights.

#4: At A Major League Baseball Game

We were amazed to see this one on the list. We're not sure how you got away with this, but this unusual answer merits a spot in the top 10. Couldn't score awesome seats close to the baseball field? Get frisky in the nosebleed section; it's not like you can see the game anyway!

#3: On A Motorcycle

We imagine this requires a great deal of balance and skill ... more power to you if you can pull this off!

Image Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

#2 While Driving

You've heard of road head, but road sex? Sounds tricky. This may not be the safest response on the list, but it's certainly one of the most interesting, earning it the #2 spot from our Astroglide survey results. If you're going to try this one, may we suggest doing so in a low-traffic and low-speed limit area rather than on a highway.

#1: In The Colosseum

Very few of our users can say they've had sex in a piece of history, making this one of our most interesting and unusual responses!

Keep it classy, YourTango readers!

Image Credit: iStock

Cars have always been a popular spot to grab a quickie, probably because the line between public space and private space is slightly blurred, and also perhaps because it reminds you of the wild and carefree days of being a teenager. It's illegal (if someone sees you), but otherwise, go for it! We recommend secluded areas of parking lots at night. If you're feeling really daring, try it out during the day.