How Would Roy Chubby Brown Fans Fix Broken Britain?

If you don’t know who Roy Chubby Brown is, congratulate yourself on having lived a far happier existence than you could have otherwise done thus far. Now, if you want an idea of who Roy Chubby Brown is, think of him as Bernard Manning for the post 9/11 age, or a less subtle Jim Davidson, or the worst man in the world. He makes Ricky Gervais’ recent gaffes look like political correctness gone mad with a gun. He is a racist comedian who isn't funny, which I guess just makes him a racist.

Since there’s nothing I like more on a Saturday night than freezing my arse off in the wind and rain in the company of bigots, I popped down to the New Wimbledon Theatre, where Roy Chubby Brown was performing, to ask his fans how they would fix “Broken Britain”.

Malcolm, 61, retired.

VICE: Do you think Britain’s broken?
Oh, it’s well broken. I’d shut the gates. Keep Britain as it is. Don’t let any immigrants in the country for five years. Just like the hosepipe ban. Because otherwise we’re going to be sunk.

What do immigrants do that sinks Britain?
Right, this country, the Great – the ex-Great British Empire… [pauses for a while] At the end of the day, America will rule the planet. At the moment they’re our allies. But eventually, they'll turn against us. I don’t trust Americans any more than Russians. Seriously I don’t. I don’t.

What is it about Americans that makes them untrustworthy?
They’re no different from anyone else. The only difference is they speak English like we do. The Yanks you have to watch. The Yanks. The Americans. I don’t trust them. I don’t trust them.

Right.
Seriously, I don’t trust them.

Got it, you don’t trust Americans.
You can’t speak your mind in this country any more. Free speech is gone. Gone. If I say something, I’ll be nicked.

What kind of thing can’t you say?[long pause] Negro. Well I won’t say… Darkies.

Should St George’s Day celebrations be mandatory?
Yes. Definitely.

What shouldn't people be allowed to do?
Wear yashmaks.

What should happen to people who do?
What should happen? Imprisonment. With all this terrorism going on, you don’t know who’s in the country. You could be living next door to one.

To a Muslim?
Mmmmm.

Do you think it would solve terrorism if a lot of Muslims were sent "home"?
Yeah. You’re speaking sense.

Er, thanks. How would you manage to send people home?
Years ago, during the war, right, Idi Amin – do you remember him?

Not really...
He got rid of them. Bang, out of the country. Half of them came here. Get them out. If our government said no smoking from next week that would be that, no smoking. If they can do that they can say, “Right, piss off.” I wasn’t prejudiced 30 years ago but I am now.

Beth, 35, mother.

Britain’s shit. Sorry, but it is. Know what I mean? It’s a load of bollocks.

VICE: Why?
Because Britain’s not Britain any more. It’s for everybody but the British. And that’s not being racist, that’s being factual.

How would you fix it?
Don’t let anyone else in. Get them all out.

Send them all "home"?
Send them all home! Why not? They wouldn’t let us go in their country – we’d get shot in the fucking head.

Really? Oh god!

Chris, 38, Security Guard.

VICE: Is Britain broken?
Britain’s fucked. 100 percent.

What’s so broken about it?
Everything. Government. Immigration.

What would you do about that?
I’d take a leaf out of the Australian President or whatever she is over there. Clamp down on it. Find the ones that are illegal. When you catch them, why let them go? Deport them.

Is immigration a problem because of numbers or is it more of a cultural thing?
Both. The ones we’ve let in are destroying the country. They come in here and then they want to blow us up. Muslims are going to destroy this country. Sharia Law will happen if we don’t sort it out.

When?
The next 20 years. They’ll get a Muslim in government and then they’ll start taking over. You wait and see. There’s going to be a civil war in this country in the next 30 years. Guaranteed, if we don’t sort it out.

How would you sort it out?
Fuck ‘em off home. We’ve gone from a nation that rules most of the world to nearly a minority race. It’s mental, we’ve gone backwards if anything.

Steve, 47, industrial door engineer.

VICE: Is Britain broken?
Our kids have got no hope. There’s too many people coming through the doors. They should have shut the doors years ago and said "we’re full up".

Is it a numbers game or a cultural thing?
It’s numbers. I’ve got no problem with coloureds.