So, last night was the famous HOMETOWNS episode and tonight is the infamous FANTASY SUITES episode, which in all previews shows everyone crying, so I’m guessing Juan Pablo is as good in the bedroom as he is at speaking English as a second language, which is not very well at all.

Last night’s episode was hyped up something awful from all the people I have confessed to that I’m watching The Bachelor for the first time. Did it live up to the hype? Ehhhhhh, shrugs. I don’t know. It was awkward like all the episodes are. There was a lot of questioning of Juan Pablo, which I enjoyed. It was funny watching other people who are not lovestruck idiot women talking to Juan Pablo, but they didn’t show much of these girls boring ass hometowns or really have them do that many activities or anything. It was a lot more sedated and it was doubly cringe-worthy, so maybe it did live up to the hype.

The episode was split into 4 parts and I’ll go through those 4 parts in the order they appeared. Also, I went over to ABC to see if they had any good pictures to use for this article and THEY DON’T BECAUSE ABC.COM IS THE MOTHERFUCKING WORST AT CHOOSING PICTURES!!! WHO THE FUCK IS RUNNING THEIR SHIT WEBSITE WITH ITS TRICK ASS MARK PICTURE SECTION?!?!? SERIOUSLY, THERE’S NOT A SINGLE PICTURE OF ANDI’S JUDGEMENTAL DAD OR, ACTUALLY, A SINGLE PICTURE OF NIKKI WHATSOEVER! Seriously, ABC/Disney – you suck.

The only picture that is at all mildly endearing or useful is a picture from a moment of the show that WASN’T EVEN AIRED…

There’s absolutely nothing else shown in those pictures, so deal with mah words.

First up…

NIKKI

Nikki is from Cincinnati? BORING. Seriously, two chicks from Ohio made it until the final 5? Nothing against BLOW-HIO or whatever, but how boring is it that they combed the US and found two chicks from a state that is not even marketable as a genuine travel destination. Are you going to Ohio to see the NFL Hall of Fame or Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? If you are then you really should consider just doing that as a pitstop on your way to Chicago for a few days or at the very least go to the NFL Hall of Fame for the induction ceremony. I guess you can go to Columbus for the Arnold Schwarzenegger festival, which I did, but I also got paid to go, so there’s that. Anyway…

Cincinnati! What does Cincinnati have to offer? Well, not much. Nikki meets Juan Pablo and she takes him to a “gas station barbecue”. Why? Well, I don’t know why. I guess Juan Pablo has never had barbecue, which sounds absolutely insane because we’re talking about something that is easily obtained anywhere in the US and, furthermore, who the fuck thinks of Cincinnati first when the word barbecue is mentioned? Cincinnati? Seriously, I just typed into google “cincinnati barbe..” and “cincinnati barber” was still the top search before adding the “cue”, so that was stupid going to get barbecue in Cincinnati. Also, Juan Pablo isn’t moving to Cincinnati. Also, Nikki is trying to marry this “worldly” guy who takes her on airplanes to Korea and Vietnam, so “gas station barbecue” is not something she wants Juan Pablo to get used to. And, I suspect that Nikki had either never been there or hadn’t been since she was in high school and went on a date with some sad sack who got yelled at for taking her to some crummy gas station barbecue joint instead of a fancy dinner the likes a Venezuelan soccer player would take her!

Cut to: Nikki’s family’s Cincinnati MANSION! Let’s be honest, Nikki’s nannies probably told her about the barbecue place and she has never mingled with middleclass people before.

We meet Nikki’s mom, dad, and a smattering of other people who don’t matter. They have dinner and in the middle of dinner, Nikki’s mom in the totes awkwardest moment just asks Nikki to leave the table, so the two of them can drink wine in the mom’s bedroom and gossip about Juan Pablo’s body. This show is fucked up. Meanwhile, Juan Pablo has a one-on-one date with Nikki’s father who is more lovestruck over Juan Pablo than his daughter is. Nikki is upstairs waffling about whether or not she would say yes if Juan Pablo asks her to marry him and downstairs Nikki’s dad is more or less proposing to propose Juan Pablo.

What I gathered from Nikki’s family? She’s a spoiled bitch, her dad is a beta male, and her mom & her probably fight like Farrah and her weirdo Blythe Danner mother on Teen Moms.

ANDI

Yesterday, I said that I thought Andi was getting kicked off the show. Honestly, I have no idea how this show works and I didn’t think anyone would get kicked off from the hometowns and would only get kicked off on tonight’s episode. ABC guaranteed that Andi would be surviving hometowns with all the footage of her and Juan Pablo arguing about something that happens on tonight’s episode. Either way, Andi’s totally not winning this show. I thought Clare would win from the beginning and I’m still sticking by Clare. I think it’s insanely weird he had Nikki meet his daughter, but there’s no fucking way Nikki is going to be able to deal with being a step-mom and cordial to the baby’s momma… whatever… back to Andi.

Andi is from Atlanta, so to continue stereotypes – Andi takes Juan Pablo to a gun range. At the gun range, there was a lot of weird like “pull the trigger like a man and not like a queer” kind of undercurrent going on. It was unsettling. Also, it’s great that Disney is like “GUNS ARE FUN!!!” because that is really hitting the heart of that HEATED debate in this country.

Andi takes Juan Pablo home to meet her family, WHICH she already knows will not like him. SUH-WEET! The MVP of not liking Juan Pablo is Andi’s dad who is named Hy. Hy? Hy! So, Hy doesn’t like Juan Pablo one bit. He does his best to illustrate real clearly to Juan Pablo that he doesn’t like him, but at the same time will not outright just tell him – I DON’T LIKE YOU! Either way, he’s clearly trying to be un-welcoming. Also, if you were wondering before – Andi is totally a daddy’s girl. With that being said, all of Hy’s reservations about Juan Pablo on the surface are accurate reservations to have — he’s a fucking dude on a TV show built around him kissing all these good looking chicks like 20 of them and only 1 of those 20 is his daughter and Lord knows what she has done or he has done to her to decide that he likes kissing her the best out of the 20 some odd girls so far. Yuh know? Plus, it’s not even a guarantee that Juan Pablo likes her the most, he just likes her better than the rest so far, so that’s not comforting. Plus, he’s already got a daughter from a previous failed relationship. Juan Pablo is NOT a catch.

Meanwhile, Andi has a sister who looks almost identical to her and she’s got some lame-oh looking husband or fiancee. Then there’s a scene of Andi and the sister having girl talk talking about how hot Juan Pablo is. If I was the fiancee/husband of Andi’s sister, she and he would never be alone together ever. Never. Never! If he was going to be somewhere and she needed to be there then I would be there as well. I would not put it passed Juan Pablo at all to try and sleep or put a move or do something crazy over the line with the sister who looks exactly like the chick that he won on a TV show. So, no. While I am not the actual fiancee/husband, the real fiancee/husband will be cuckold immediately if Juan Pablo ends up with Andi because he’s totally doing something to her sister.

Also, Andi’s mother got weird and sexual with Juan Pablo. Yep. So, Hy is telling Juan Pablo that he’s just not that into him. Meanwhile, Andi’s mom is outright requesting Juan Pablo to dance for her. DANCE FOR HER. THIS IS HY’S NIGHTMARE!!!! If he allows Juan Pablo into his house, Juan Pablo is fucking his wife and his two daughters. It’s literally the worst thing that could happen.

In the end, Andi didn’t get a positive from her dad or from her mom or from her sister, so I still think there’s no fucking way Andi is winning this show. She’s a potential-less red herring. Although, she does call Juan Pablo an asshole tonight, so that’s good.

RENEE

Off to the budding metropolis of Sarasota, Florida! WOOOOOO!!! Well, this solves the question as to how Renee went from blonde white chick to possible blonde Chilean mistress in the span of a week’s time on vacation because she’s always tanning in her regular life.

There’s nothing really to do in Sarasota, Florida outside of Juan Pablo meeting Renee’s son – Ben. So, let’s cut right to Juan Pablo’s AWKWARD AS FUCK touching of Ben. Errr… like he didn’t “touch” Ben, but he was just like touching him way too much. Like get your hands off my kid. It’s already weird that your hands can never leave any of these chicks bodies for a second, but stop being handsy with the small boy who is happy to see his mother for the first time in 2 months and can’t look you in the eye because you’re a creep South American who is macking on all these women including this kid’s one and only parent. I’m assuming the dad is out of the picture? I think that’s a correct assumption. I’ve heard of stipulations in custody cases where the other parent can stop the other parent from having a new boyfriend/girlfriend around their kid, so I’m not too sure Renee’s ex if he was in the picture would be at all ok with the TV show guy touching his kid and Renee for all the world to see.

We get to meet Ben for a minute, he is forced to play baseball in front of America, we meet Renee’s mom and dad and brother and who cares! She goes home! Fucking Juan Pablo kicks her off the show in the end. Why even waste everyone’s time like this? Seriously, he sent Carmela… no, Cassandra home because he didn’t want to get weird with her kid and then he just does that with Renee. Like everything is super cool until he meets the kid and it’s over? Is that it, Juan Pablo? You had a much better evening at Renee’s house than Andi’s. The major difference is that Renee had a kid. Was Renee’s kid not good enough? Andi’s family didn’t think Andi and Juan Pablo were a good match, but he keeps Andi. Renee’s family is totes cool with Juan Pablo, but he dumps her once he meets her kid. So, guess what?! Juan Pablo is a complete asshole. Oh wait! WE KNEW THAT!

Finally…

CLARE

Uhhhhhhhhhh… what the fuck is going on with Clare’s sister Laura? And… for fuck’s sake…

STOP SAYING MOMMA!!!!!!!!!

By the way, I’m going to call her Momma because I feel like there’s even money that if I type out “mama” 5x in a row and publish this to the internet that the forest demon lady from that crappy movie will capture Coco and I on our next walk, so it’s MOMMA from now on.

Momma this! Momma that! Momma was every fucking other word out of these fucking women’s mouths! MAYBE SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A SECOND A SECOND!!! AND YOU CAN GIVE MOMMA A CHANCE TO SAY WHAT SHE THINKS!!!!

Oh wait… when Momma finally does get a chance to talk to Juan Pablo, you know what she says? How’s the fucking weather in Venezuela?!

HOW’S THE FUCKING WEATHER IN VENEZUELA?!?!??!?!?!?!

THAT’S WHAT MOMMA WANTS TO KNOW FROM THE IDIOT BOX LATINO WHO IS POSSIBLY GOING TO MARRY HER YOUNGEST DAUGHTER ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AS PART OF A GAME SHOW?!!??!?!?!?!?! HOW’S THE FUCKING WEATHER IN VENEZUELA?!?!?! GOOGLE IT, YOU OLD BITCH!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!?! THE VENEZUELAN WEATHER?!?!?!?! IT’S FUCKING VENEZUELA!!! IT’S FUCKING HOT, YOU DAFT OLD BITCH WHO CLEARLY DIDN’T USE CONDOMS OR BIRTH CONTROL OR HAD HER HUSBAND PULL OUT ONCE IN A DECADE BECAUSE SHE’S GOT A MOTHERFUCKING HAREM OF DAUGHTERS!!! WHAT THE SHIT! AND IS CLARE FUCKING ADOPTED OR WHAT BECAUSE SHE’S HOT AND THE REST OF THESE BROADS ARE ON THE LOW SIDE OF MEH!!! WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON?!?!?! VENEZUELA IS RIGHT NEAR THE FUCKING EQUATOR!!! DOES MOMMA NOT KNOW THE FUCKING EQUATOR?!?!?!? ANYTHING BY THE EQUATOR IS FUCKING HOT!! IT’S FUCKING HOT, MOMMA!!! IT’S HOT!!!!

You-Jee-Aych!

Truly, Momma did ask Juan Pablo — in Spanish — what the climate was like in Venezuela and Juan Pablo responded in his shitty Spanish — seriously, he does not speak Spanish any better than I do! — that Venezuela had a tropical climate because it fucking does and Momma should have already known that because it’s by the motherfucking equator.

Besides Momma, two things happened during Clare’s segment.

1. Juan Pablo shoved his fucking tongue down Clare’s throat the second he fucking saw her.

2. Clare has an ugly ass troll sister who tried to ruin Clare’s relationship with Juan Pablo for no specific reason than to do it and because she’s fucking crazy and ugly. She’s so ugly she drove herself crazy. I will say that Clare acted like a rational human being during all of her crazy sister’s exploits, but flat out asking her over and over, “what are you doing?” Because a sane person totally would want to know why/what she was doing. For the first few minutes of Momma, I thought Momma was mute or lost her ability to speak because of a curse possibly from the gypsy fat ugly daughter she had named Laura or she didn’t speak English at all. Actually, she seemed to get along just fine once Laura went inside to make a voodoo doll out of Clare’s flaxen hair or whatever she was doing.

One thing that totally didn’t happen…

We didn’t see that fucking dead dad DVD. Honestly, I’m pretty bummed we didn’t see that DVD that would absolutely have been the CRINGE WORTHIEST moment in TV history.

END

As mentioned, Juan Pablo kicked Renee off because he’s cool with the double standard of forcing his kid on other women and not the other way around.

Now, we’ve got Clare whose boobs looked EEnormous at the rose ceremony, Nikki who is a mess, and Andi who is definitely not going to be picked.

Can’t wait for tonight’s episode. Clare, Nikki, and Andi are all shown crying.

What I think happens is that he fucks one of them and then they find out. Nikki is shown as a huge fucking mess just crying and crying. And, Andi is shown furious and yelling at Juan Pablo for being an asshole when he’s saying he’s being honest. And, he can’t keep his hands off of Clare, so I think he raw dogs Clare and the other two find out and it’s a shit storm.