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Saturday, July 17, 2010

Why your ex is like junk food

There are certain people you cut out of your life and by certain people, I mean toxic people you’ve dated. These people are kind of like things you don't allow yourself to do like eat an entire cheesecake in front of the fridge on a Friday night when you come home drunk. You just wanted one bite but cut to ten minutes later, half of the cake is gone. Eventually, when your pants are tight, you learn to not buy cheesecake anymore and hope you don’t revert to eating something else in your cupboard like a jar of peanut butter.

Just like not buying cheesecake, you learn to not talk to your ex's anymore because every time you do, it's like the ultimate doom of your self-respect, control and emotions.
Instantly, you’re reminded of why they’re such a pompous waste of space or you might even hate yourself for reaching out to them out of boredom, loneliness, depression, confusion - whatever - after finding things out like the fact that he's gay. Talk about sleepless nights of wondering if you’re the one who made him realize this. But don't worry, that's not even the worst thing that could happen, you could accidentally sleep with him in hopes of getting back together (because women are weird and we do crazy things) only to later find that he moves on as if you two DON'T have a history. See why you should keep him cut out? Because now you're hurt and pissed and reaching for cheesecake.

You know certain people are bad news, hence the title "ex-boyfriend." You know the reason you stopped seeing someone is because that guy did things like forgot to show up to your birthday party and stayed home playing World of Warcraft. What a sweetheart. Just thinking about the things he did makes you want to scream into a pillow. Yet, for some reason, these people still cross our minds.

It’s a time capsule. With time, you forget the idiotic things they did and remember them for the good things. They are lodged in our brain like the taste of Oreos or chili cheese fries. You remember how good they taste but forget how bad they are for you and how much tighter your pants will be as a result of eating two rows, dipped in peanut butter. What?

The pathetic thing is, the good things you remember are just superficial: he's so hot, he had such strong arms, that hair, those green eyes, his tattoos, his laugh, he helped the homeless, he saved a bird! So you start thinking down the path of nostalgia and consider calling him. Then reality hits you like Double Stuffed Oreos and you opt for something less personal like Facebook.

You are completely thrilled upon catching up with him and possibly seeing where things could go until you see pictures of him with his new 100 pound girlfriend who has boobs for days and doesn't speak English. Ah yes, there's the instant reminder of why you stopped talking to him: your dresses were never short enough and he’s a shallow jerk. I mean, what on Earth could that girl have in common with him? Breathing? Now you're just pissed.

There are so many reasons why we ex-communicate, delete phone numbers, block people from Facebook, maybe go on personal intervention’s by trying to lose ten pounds, dye our hair and win him back. Until you realize it's not you, it's him (or her).

Stop it. Stop getting caught up in the cookie jar and stop getting caught with lucid dreams that he's the one who got away. Unless he is, then you better track him down. If you consider the one who got away to be that guy who parks in the handicap spot, then damn it, you need some Oreos. Hell, eat the whole bag.

7 comments
:

Did you sneak into my life and catch me wanting to call my ex last night?! Hahaha This blog is seriously EXACTLY what I needed to read. Whole cheesecake, while delicious is bad. Ex is bad - and won't at least have the perk of being delish (or, the aftertaste will ruin everything).

Amen to that sister! Spoken like a true pro.I'm going through that patch with my ex--I know what I have to do (which you have concisely blogged). I really just need to take your words to heart and move on with life!