3 Minutes to Orgasm (A Girl’s Guide to Self-Pleasure)

Last week I was having brunch with one of my childhood girl friends who I hadn’t seen in years. It was a sunny afternoon and we were drinking bottomless mimosas, so the conversation was flowing just like old times and turned kinky pretty quickly.

She described some of her recent sexual encounters. I of course followed with some of mine. We both had some good ones, and remembered how silly and how open we’d always been with each other, even “back in the day” when we were teenagers. She reminded me of something I hadn’t thought of in a long time, which was…

When I was 16, I told her that I could make myself orgasm in 3 minutes.

I wasn’t lying. My then-recent first experiences with masturbation (admittedly, even before I knew what the term meant) had been extremely successful. I found the right spot, the right stroke, and the right muscle groups to contract and release to quickly bring myself to climax.

Needless to say, she was impressed, but short of a live demonstration at that time I couldn’t really describe it in the proper language. Despite this limitation, she held onto that thought for years and has since done plenty of experimentation on her own.

Now, with my grown-up and sophisticated sexual vocabulary, I’d like to share what I couldn’t verbalize all those years ago.

Treasure Hunting

Feel free to explore a little further than you would let a partner, and try to find the most sensitive part of your clitoris.

Finding the right spot to please yourself is extremely important. Get to know your clitoris. Begin to simply feel the tingling sensations that your experience when you run your fingers lightly around your clitoral hood. The most sensitive spot, anatomically speaking, is actually your clitoral head, which is underneath your clitoral hood and contains between 6,000 – 8,000 nerve endings (more than any other part of either a male or woman’s body)!

As an older woman, you have probably discovered how sensitive this area can be. At times, direct stimulation to the clitoral head can be uncomfortable – painful, even. In my youthful, early experiences with masturbation, I learned to indirectly stimulate my clitoris by placing a finger just above the tip of the hood, and move my fingers around there.

As a solo explorer, you have the benefit of using only as much pressure as you can take, therefore feel free to explore a little further than you would let a partner, and try to find the most sensitive part of your clitoris. The actual clitoral head can be felt with your sensitive finger beds by pulling the clitoral hood up and out of the way slightly with one hand while you explore with the other. You will feel a very small lump just under this protective hood. There’s a reason why the hood is there – touching your clitoral head may generate a sharp, electric sensation – almost a nail-on-chalkboard startle – in that area and even throughout your body, depending on how sensitized of an individual you are.

Don’t back off just yet. Place a finger bed gently just over the spot (not finger tip: watch your nails, ladies). Try tapping it slowly, lightly, and notice your body’s responses. Your body will soon remember this sensation, and begin to identify it as pleasurable in sexual scenarios.

Relax into it a little bit.

When you’ve had enough of these tiny jolts of energy, release your clitoral hood back into its original position.

Did you know you could feel something so small, so strongly? Makes me think of the Hans Christian Andersen fairytale The Princess and the Pea… but I digress.

The Emotional Part

Try not to feel guilty for taking some time for yourself.

Now that you’ve experienced the sharp, peak of sensation that your body is capable of, it’s time for the journey.

You thought you were going to learn how to make yourself orgasm in 3 minutes, in 3 minutes?

No no, it takes much more practice, but you’ll get there eventually.

A big part of why I was able to learn this so quickly when I was younger was that I had far less emotional baggage. Don’t get me wrong – I had my share of worries, but I wasn’t yet so concerned with body image, with a partner, spouse, children, groceries, etc. As a now-older woman, it actually takes more “work” to connect with myself than it used to.

I recommend in any case that you set aside a fair amount of time and a comfortable place for yourself to do this next piece. Try for the most uninterrupted time possible in your life (while it may not always be ideal), and then try not to feel guilty for taking some time for yourself. Close and possibly lock the bedroom door, if possible. Set aside your cell phone. Clear your mind of your to-do list.

And now, dedicate yourself to your body.

Slip into your bed. Are the sheets cold? Warm? Begin to notice the physical sensations around you as much as possible. It will help bring you into the present moment and away from other thoughts.

All Warmed Up

Caress your vaginal opening with a fingertip, as if rubbing the rim of a champagne glass.

Spend some time on your outer lips. Do you feel hairy? Smooth? Appreciate your pussy for whatever state it’s in right now, even if it’s not your preferred state. Notice the density and texture of your hairs, if any. Play with them as you would a lover’s hair, or rub the bare skin as you would a lover’s bare bottom.

Lightly brush your fingers across your clitoral hood. Remember the sensations from the first exercise. Your body should remember the electric shock you gave it when you touched your clitoral head directly, and begin to feel even more excited.

Feel your own anticipation.

Venture down to the opening of your vagina. You may or may not be wet – that’s OK too. Caress the opening with a gentle fingertip, as if rubbing the rim of a champagne glass.

Notice your back arching, breathing getting heavier?

Before you go reaching for your vibrator in a hurry to “get off,” appreciate the very moment you are in. We often wish that our male partners would spend more time in foreplay – why shouldn’t we learn to please ourselves in the same teasing, titillating way?

As your genitals become engorged, wet, and hot for your own touch, begin to feel the muscles inside working, either voluntarily or involuntarily. Try to replicate what your body is doing with your own voluntary contractions.

Note: Many women practice Kegel exercises as a way to please their partner or increase satisfaction in a partner sex activity, but it’s actually quite pleasing to learn to use these muscles for your own enjoyment. I learned to climax before ever having sexual intercourse, and without really understanding its meaning. You, too, can focus on the pubococcygeus or “PC” muscle group to bring yourself over the edge – with or without a finger, toy, or partner.

The Big Finish

You may or may not need penetration to reach climax. In the beginning, I learned to use clitoral stimulation alone, and it was only later in life that I learned about the inner mysteries of the G-spot, anal play, and other more “advanced” orgasms.

My now-infamous 3-minute orgasm went something like this…

Pants off, panties on… who has time for fully undressing?

Reach down below, get a good clit rub going around the hood

Increase speed of clit rubbing; get close to the more sensitive parts as excitement builds

Concentrate on the feelings inside

Contract, release, repeat

Clench inner thighs (note: this is now a bad habit, avoid if possible)

Breathe faster and deeper

Stroke faster and a little harder

Continue to contract, release, repeat

Climax

Catch breath

Repeat

Okay, I didn’t say they were the most fulfilling orgasms ever, did I? Point is, I learned to “get off,” somewhat like a horny pubescent boy might do when he learns to spank the monkey… yet a somewhat admirable feat for a girl. And certainly much less discussed or accepted.

So, there it is. The process that led me to the 3-minute climax, multiple orgasms, and bragging rights with my closest of girl friends for life.

If you’re a woman and you’ve never climaxed before, at least the first part will help you to get in the mindset and begin to understand your own body. If you’ve climaxed but would like to do it more quickly between doing dishes and putting the kids to bed, this may prove a handy (hee, hee) guide. However, if you’re looking for true fulfillment, it’s best to always enjoy the journey rather than trying to reach the destination quickly.