Monday, March 31, 2008

DEAR ROCK STAR . . .

We're coming up with a list called "Dear Rock Star" for the next issue which is a list in question form asking an artist/band why they did one stupid thing or another.

Here's a few examples:

"Dear REM, Why did it take you 14 years to figure out that people wanted you to shut up and rock?"

"Dear Bob Mould, why do you insist on DJing without a shirt on? You have ex-fat guy skinny guy belly."

"Dear Juno Soundtrack, why did you make the world a place where I can't escape the childish out-of-tune ramblings of the Moldy Peaches?"

Of course, I had to weigh in:

Dear Robert Pollard, I love you, but why the English accent? Have some Midwestern pride, for chrissakes! Your "A's" should be as flat as the Ohio Valley and your "R's" should be hit as hard as a punch in the face from William Howard Taft.

Dear Stephen Malkmus and Lou Barlow, Why do you play live when you obviously don't enjoy it? It makes Jesus cry.

Dear Craig Finn: I'm sorry you got a B- for your stories in Creative Writing 101, but reading them in front of a Bruce Springteen cover band doesn't make them any better.

PS. I know it might seem like I spend all my online time at Chunklet and Name That Film, but I really don't. They just trigger an impulse to opinionate all over the place. For example, I've recently discovered Post-Apocalypse, a whole site chock-full of post-apocalyptic awesomeness. I just hope that someday the Twin Cities will have a party like this.

2 comments:

Well, that's true--they don't actually play Bruce Springsteen songs. You have me there. But they do have the affect of a drunken lit major jumping on the stage and rambling on while a roots-rock bar band vamps in the background. But don't believe me, read Sasha Frere-Jones glowing review in the New Yorker, where he basically says the same thing. Somehow, he gives it a positive spin, which is what I don't understand. Why do hipsters who don't normally like spoken word or Springsteeny roots-rock love the combination of the two in the form of The Hold Steady? Please explain.