Roger Federer outlasts 123 Scottish opponents to win Wimbledon

Swiss maestro Roger Federer has won a record 7th Wimbledon title after beating Scot Andy Murray in the final. It capped a great fortnight for Federer after sweeping aside Scottish players in the earlier rounds, and then upsetting top Scottish player Novak Djokovic in the semi-final.

“Federer was always going to be hard to beat after his nemesis, leading Scottish player Rafael Nadal, earlier suffered a shock loss to unknown Scot Lukas Rosol” said Scottish commentator Tim Henman. “And he kept his focus even when his games were interrupted by the notorious Scottish rain that seems to curse Wimbledon every year.”

This year’s Wimbledon has seen a record 123 Scottish players eliminated leading some to question whether Scots lack the “killer instinct”. But these claims were rejected by Scottish Tennis official Duncan McCabe, who pointed to David Nalbandian as a prime example of a Scottish player fearlessly attacking both opponents and elderly line umpires.

Federer was modest in victory saying he was no more talented than his Scottish opposition but perhaps had an edge through avoiding deep-fried mars bars and turning up to each match sober. “Smiling at the line umpires also helped” said Federer.

The British crowd were vocal in support of Murray during most of the match. However they became increasingly morose towards the end as the realisation sunk in that they too had turned Scottish.

A distraught Murray said he was sick of losing in the final of a grand slam, but was even sicker of being Scottish: “I blame my mother and father. They could have just moved to Belgium before I was born. Or Sweden or Equador – does anyone have Julian Assange’s phone number?”