Sleepless and Spiritual

As many parents of disabled people know, having an incontinent child can be upsetting. We usually just get on with it, wipe them up, clean change, get up and go, no problem, but from time to time, we just look at them, and their size, look at ourselves, the streak marks the inevitably end up on our fingers, the unpleasant aroma, the seemingly lack of care from our child, and it just gets to us.

Yesterday, when my Cri Du Chat syndrome suffering daughter came for her weekly visit, this time extended to five days as it's the holidays, she did her usual of emptying her bowls a few times. I don't know if she holds onto it or if she just eats extra food on Thursdays, but it is a habit now. I ended up running out of wipes, so we went to the shop to get some more. They had also run out, and the other shop is a pain to walk to at the best of times, and we were both tired. So we went home, and there you go, she did another one. I decided to use toilet roll this time, as a last resort. I think we all do this, wet it with warm water and then try to keep it in one piece while we scoop the crap from the skin. It did work a bit but it soon ran out too, there was a lot to scoop.

My daughter, in fits of laughter at my plight, had to be cleaned by one of my old t shirts. I wet it and threw it away after, not going to wear that again. I had already begun to feel the strain at this point, and when in half an hour's time, another nappy became filled, I just became upset. I dutifully cleaned her, using another two old t shirts, RIP, and then sat down and sobbed. Because she doesn't like me to have emotional reactions to things, her response was violence. I got beaten over the head and had a few hard plastic toys thrown at me, was bitten, punched, kicked and scratched. In the end I resorted to restraint and leaving the room myself. She's nearly twelve years old and I am not prepared to risk myself to any large degree.

Since she'd fallen asleep, merely twenty minutes later, and I'd given myself a couple of hours to sit and be, I did the extra couple of hours worth of cleaning I have to do after her days here. With the amount of food dropped, and litter on the floor, toys, bits, and screwed up important pieces of paper, I really felt sad about the situation. For over ten years, every weekend I have dedicated to caring for my child, and with my own mental health issues I have, the struggle is taking its toll with each year she grows. Now that I've been made to pay bedroom tax and I was declared fit for work, despite having problematic mental health and with no ability for a secondary parent to claim any kind of child support, disabled or otherwise, I just felt at rock bottom. I work really hard as a self employed person and as it's early days, year two, I'm still barely cutting even.

It just felt like it was all too much, my social life is gone, my money is drained by the bucket load, and my home which I am very lucky to able to live in is a pig sty, smelling of adult sized nappies filled to the brim. I knew that life could have been so different if she wasn't with this condition. I'd be able to ask for time off, I'd be able to keep a nicer home and I'd likely feel safer too.

But then today, my perspective changed. We were playing in the garden, beneath some fluffy but rather angry looking clouds. We were having a nice day, I was chatting to one of our neighbours, as we live in a block of flats with a shared garden. There are no animals allowed in our building, but the nice houses across from us do of course have cats and they do of course come onto our lovely lawn the do their business. My little girl fell flat into one of them, hands first, covering self and yes, another one of my t shirts. She loves to wear them.

After cleaning her up, refusing to allow the knowledge of what it was I was touching and wiping around with soap and water along with her hands, again and again, to get to me, chucking the t shirt in the bin, and sitting down, a small while later, she filled her nappy. By this time I'd got some wipes but the general routine is the same. I remembered my emotional breakdown from the night before and then I realised that her own mess is nothing compared to what had happened earlier. I was far more disgusted and revolted by the fact that she's fallen in cat shit than being covered both cheeks legs and back in her own.

There comes a point when we have to forgive our kids for having their issues, and yes, it is not pleasant to be wiping a twelve year old girl's bum twice or more a day, but I am glad that I do have her at all, and that I'm strong enough, wise enough, and patient enough to be a good father for her. If I see that cat though, I'll box it up and send it to Korea.

I had this idea to help others, as empowering people is something I really want to do. For me, as a young professional writer and artist, moving into the internet has been an amazing journey. Taking my time to get to grips with how to make the most of the tools and platforms at all of our fingertips has been an arduous process, filled with change, dynamics of social and professional circles, evolution of self, and of course, evolution of the way we interact according to the world political and cultural scenes. It's a tough ball game, but the globe is a beautiful ball of gorgeous blue, and green, filled with the gift of humanity, creating, being, loving, working, doing their thing each and every day.

When I decided to make an extra step with my career, I thought a long time about what I wanted to do. It was important that I made an attempt to grow, as at the time I had not done much of that in work terms. Most of my growth had been on a much more personal level. That's OK, we all need to do this and it can't be expected of us to spin too many plates at one time. So now I am feeling much more able, and confident, I recently moved into the empowering people business. I love to give the gifts of humanity to all, be it art and culture, education, information, or simple human companionship.

I decided to learn my trade via Shaw Academy, their tag line of “Learn Today, Succeed Tomorrow” is really true to the ticket, as so far so good is all I can say with pretty much everything they have shown me. I even came up with my own line, as to not tread on their creative toes “It's a Shaw thing!” being that they, like me, care about giving out the best of what there is for the least of what there is. The value of their product, their professional diploma certified courses, their general certificates even, the whole thing is really good quality. No wonder they are one of the biggest online educators in the whole world. They've earned it. I earned my wisdom with these guys and I'm over the moons of Saturn.

I just love that energy of giving something away for not much at all, and that's why this “Free Ad Post” that I made was just something I wanted to do on a lazy bank holiday Monday, to say hey, this is me.

It's closing down time for me again and it appears that writing is something that is best done when I have something to say. So in this case, I am breaking tradition and I'm going to wing it. Simply to test myself perhaps, or to see if anything appears from the nether regions of my verbalising sub conscious river, which no doubt wishes to splash its crystalline droplets of watery language upon my fingers, and thus my page, we shall see what emerges. If anything. It is doubtful, as although in my complete desire to bring forth words, which sparkle in sunny moments of internet page readings, dowsing passers by in a particular brand of poetic English, the desire to portray a message in particular is lacking.

Ambient music is drifting in from metallic sounding micro speakers back-set in the body of my nice new laptop, now almost one year old, it's tricky to remember time without it. My last one, which encountered a fatal system error, due to being old, is likely fixable and so it sits gracefully in one of my many household drawers, waiting for that day when it's too old to be worth fixing and I chuck it in the recycling. Then again, perhaps this will be the one thing I do get round to having mended, but in all honesty, my nice camera which was dropped and hasn't worked since, is the first thing I'd like to repair. Failing that I could buy a new second hand one, it's actually the same price give or take a bit.

I am one of these people who likes to make the most of things, even when there's hardly anything left at all. I've managed to squeeze an amazing amount of life out of some 10 year old computer bits, my at home recording studio being made of these, I've managed to keep the same guitar that I used when I was a teenager, the one I learned on. I have lost a few to the pawn shop in my time, but I do make it priority to reclaim anything I have to borrow money on at any time. A lot of my clothes have been in my possession for at least a decade, some of them for twice that long. It's strange to think that the garment I paid a few coins for all that time ago is still having its use today.

Finding ways to keep things going for longer than intended is one thing, but when it's this blog post, and it's me writing it with no real direction at all, perhaps this moral can be paradoxically nullified in one sweep quite quickly. Perhaps you'd like to know more about my little thoughts and workings of my non essential life things, but if you're anything like me, it's more about the friendly company of like minded simple people making the most of what they have.

​Meditationis something I take quite seriously, and although this can sound ironic at the first glimpse, the generous nature of mindfulness gives us an extra foundation to the depths of what we know. We appreciate a thing when we understand what it gives us, when we are conscious of it, and its results in the holistic image of its entirety, a level of connection to it becomes very serious indeed. Once thefruition of a practicetakes form, we know to implement it when ever we can. For me, meditation is just one of these things. I may not be as skilled as one of the masters, who do it for a living, however, I have been known to write some poetic guidelines to assist conscious and imaginative thought. I do feel that although it is not traditional lack of thought, or lack of control by thought, when we are able to use our minds to go onfully immersive and sensationaljourneys within, it gives us that unique stepping stone which gives us perfect stead for the next level of finding our inner stillness.

When we live life to the full, with multi-tasking being a keyword for any strong minded professional, and caffeine being our main form of get up and go, deciding to meditate may seem like too much of a tall order. Why do we love that coffee place? When you want a tall order, you damn get one, and it's customised for you. Meditation is like this, thepathways are many, by self, in groups, over the internet, it's amazing how we can find out more, find space to do it, and give ourselves that little break from the inner dialogue that we all need.

How many people suffer with insomnia, or maybe not the medical condition but how many actually lay awake in bed thinking they want to go to sleep but can't? I have this problem and I am sure many of my readers do too. This time of day isideal for meditation, it really is, as there is nothing left for us, we have exhausted all the possibilities of the day and we simply want to not be conscious any more. Going the other way into a state of meditative superconsciousness will usually do the trick and allow sleep to happen without a moment's notice. The best times I like to give myself, are a few moments to sit and visualise, or concentrate on an empowering thought, or even reduce thinking down to the bare minimum - the occasional proclamation of inner silence and questions about the washing being totally normal, the practice is great for helping us deal with stress, tiredness, creativity, and even things like depression and anxiety.

From my personal experience, I was a big fan of using crystals and music in my first years of practice. I would love to sit in my crystal temple made from little stones I'd bought frommy local magic shop, and it was really fun, it did the trick. Since then, I've let go of much of the paraphernalia of spiritual practice, including some of the key phrases that I found myself picking up from conversations with like minded practitioners. I think we all discover our own unique path of self discovery, we all have different needs and reactions to things, but when it can be whittled down to one trait, one base-line desire, it does seem to be about acceptance of the now, the place we are in at this very moment, in which ever way it happens to materialise itself in.

Being a parent of a child with learning difficulties can mean it gets tricky on rainy days when there's not much to do. Even when the sun is shining, going out and about can be a chore. A few months ago, I took both of my children to the local park one afternoon. My daughter, who has cri du chat syndrome, had one of her emotional outbursts and sank her teeth into my arm. In an effort to restrain her, I was kicked and hit, and eventually she threw herself to the ground. Shouts of child abuser came from several dozen yards away at which point I decided to leave. I have a lot of issues with social anxiety and so at the first sign of trouble my flight response kicks in. It's learned from extreme bullying during childhood. That however, is another story.

Today, it was raining and so there was not much more to do than find an activity we could both enjoy. The idea came to my daughter, that we could do painting. I was reluctant at first. My experience of painting with her is always a messy one, and I really had little energy left to have a day of cleaning up. However, with the continual insisting, and eventual getting out the paints and setting them up herself, I gave in, and finished the job for her properly.

When she paints, I don't think she has anything in mind. For her the experience is based a lot more on sensation of the liquid, and the visual colours. Placing them on paper seems to be really fun, but the best bit is messing with it, squelching it in between her fingers and rubbing around on a plastic surface. I really don't mind, the carpet lost its fizz many moons ago and the sofa is a second hand leather so I can wipe it and no grievances over stains. I do think a lino floor would be handy when I get around to it though.

At the age of eleven, going on twelve, I do find that her behaviour still resembles that of a very young child. With only a handful of vocal words and several signs, we manage to communicate pretty well, but her interests don't seem to extend beyond school, playing, tv, friends, and her mum. This is fine, of course, only we could perhaps expect a child who is soon to be a teenager to have a few more things on the list. In a way, it's good that we don't have too much to worry about still, as her health is fine and although she's a little terror, her mother and I do a good job of taking it in turns to care for her week by week.

Having to pay bedroom tax for her, on top of the not very much in tax credits I get for myself, it's really tough when finding things to buy like toys and paints. Luckily, eBay tends to have some good stuff, and so does Amazon. Of course, over here in cup of tea country, I use the UK version. She's lucky that I get to help out so much, and with being an online entity with work, I'm around for her as much as she wants. Juggling time with my daughter and my son can be a challenge sometimes, he won't spend too long with her because of her violent behaviour, and she draws my blood from time to time, bruises me, and so a six year old has every right to refuse. I think I may have done. Not sure on that though.

How do we know if we are procrastinating on the internet? Sure, we all like to spend time on there, reading blogs like this one, passing the time and hopefully having a good one while we're at it. There's a lot of negative aspects to the perspective and opinion of networking and online media exposure, procrastination being the first thing people possibly think of when someone is sitting there on Facebook or Twitter, checking all the shares, links, and contact pages.

But is it really procrastination? We may be tired and in need of a rest, we may simply want to enjoy ourselves. Sometimes, we do use the internet to do things when what we need to be doing is something else, however often when we avoid something it is for a good reason. Our mind must be straight for a start, and so if we lack confidence, sobriety, understanding or simple mental energy, we are better off holding on until a better time. This is not a problem, in fact it is probably to be recommended.

The social networks, including formal ones like Twitter and Facebook, are great resources for network viable contacts all over the world. Not only do they provide us with a constant source of real human beings but also with a continual flow of information in the form of interests, conversational subjects, interaction types and all manner of shared media to suggest what we need to be thinking about from our own perspective.

Peering through the veneer of social noise and gaining true insights into the truth of the situation from an artist's point of view means having an ability to empathise and detach in certain ways from what we are seeing and gain insight into the dynamic of group situations rather than personal ones. In the group dynamic, we can see where energy is stored in aspects of interaction and how each member can pass their personality around in text form. This becomes a great prompt from scripting speech and drama within written prose and verse alike.

The depth to what a person is willing to share varies and it is not a good idea to muse on one or two particular people, but to rather gather ambient pickings from many random sources, attempting to remain nameless in origin and without interfering with the natural course, the beauty of public conversation on social media is that it is there for all to read. Many times I have deliberately been very open about how I feel and what I think in open and public social media conversation because I know it is being read and I want others to pick up on my words and, if they agree with them, use them in their own conversations. It's what we all do anyway.

As a writer, it is important that I, and all other writers for that matter, stay true to reality within the confides of interaction between people. As long as the people, the characters in our stories, act normally and in believable human ways, anything else goes. Modelling conversations and behaviours on real life observation is a method used by writers ever since there have been books, and yet with this new open media platform with an ocean of human interaction for us, as writers and artists, we can never be accused of procrastinating when browsing through the folds and waves of ever shifting walls of comment and critique.

There does come a time when we must leave the hub of international debate and appreciation for each other, there is always a time when social media is probably a bad idea, it is distracting, it's got a mind of its own and can sweep us away in an instant if we are not careful, if we apply our basic mindfulness skills to it, and remember that we are an observer, not a cog in the machine, it can suddenly become so much more than a method of getting our photos liked.

Sometimes I hear about something, and I think to myself, I'd quite like to try that. Today, I cooked a chicken fillet with some marmalade. It wasn't very nice but I'm glad I had a go. Poor chicken though eh? I do try to buy welfare assured, organic produce when I can.

The thing with marmalade is its so tangy, that golden colour and zesty taste really flavoured the meat, and it went over board. I know why they use duck, now. Chicken requires something a little more herbal, like garlic and chilli, the perfect combination for white meat.

So if you're not into carnivorous behaviour, then your plight is over, my intro is complete. Trying things out is a skill that we really need to have and getting it wrong doesn't really make it wrong, as long as we take note and make amends. Teaching our children to trial and error their way through life is probably a good idea, alongside the principle of taking advantage of given wisdom when offered.

For example, imagine Lego, we all know it, it's possible to build it by the book, make the model exactly how it was intended and designed to be. After all, it must take a huge amount of work to design and decide how to create something. Some of these large packs are really amazing. However, the fun in Lego isn't just about building the majorly impressive design on the box, sometimes we just want to build what ever we can, and it doesn't have to be anything in particular. The imagination makes it work.

When I saw the Lego Movie with my son, who was five at the time, I was thrilled to bits when the message of the story appeared to be about using the imagination, breaking from the norm, and then also remembering when doing it exactly right is actually really important. Knowing when to break the rules is the thing to remember, when to shine, and when to reflect the already present glow. The two approaches shown in the film, in which we build by the book, and we build for fun, demonstrated the two principles of success in life really well to me.

As children, it's valuable information to know that we can do both, depending on what we are needing to provide at the given moment. Toys with multiple uses provide a prompt for this kind of learning. Colouring out side of the lines just got a lot cooler, eh?

Irresponsible advertising has led to a major crackdown on the basically formed ad, which uses a snippet of code with a tracking link, perhaps a pixel or an image to boot, anyone in digital marketing will know them, wild code from other sites, tailored to register to you personally with each view or click. The Adblocker has become a norm in most browsers, and phones too are supporting powerful tools to hide those revenue generating links.

The issue is that because of the use of SPAM and heavy handed cold market advertising, in which the annoying and intrusive ads which turn up without permission or stop you from enjoying the online information, reduce the user experience, Adblockers have become highly successful. For the legitimate and well intentioned digital marketer, blogger, social media marketer, or email campaigner, they are becoming a stronger and stronger nuisance.

Ads which are targeted based on personal likes and dislikes are attempting to offer specific deals to specific crowds, these are best to not be ignored. Often, high quality companies offer great deals which would save customers money if they were able to see the special link. They may even visit anyway and pay full price, because of the adblocker.

Something that I really enjoy seeing is ad feedback options. If I can inform the software that I like this ad, because of the product it contains or the market it is aimed at in general, it improves my chances of being shown something that could well improve my life. This goes too for the dislike option, I love being able to define what I do not want to see as much as what I do. This really improves my experience.

With a moral of considerate advertising, and targeted ads being placed with ethical use of language and funnel, organic ads providing in depth information and keywords combined, and no agenda to push it in people's faces, perhaps the culture of the strict adblocker can be slowly reversed. People take care, time, and energy to build effective and worthwhile sites, if their only method of getting a return is hampered because something was annoying in the 90s when flash ads made a racket unless you clicked them, it's not giving them a fair chance.

I'm all for adblocking, when the ads are annoying or inappropriate, and for some things perhaps it is required but with growing technologies in place to bypass their filters, to become part of their trusted list by default by manner of wealth or popularity, and the culture of requesting ratings on value to the ads to the user, perhaps it's time the world caught on a bit more to the harmlessness and intended helpfulness of the majority of what we are shown.

I thinkone of the issues with being self taughtis that when it comes to gettingprofessional training, it can be really hard to hear the truth. It can turn out that we're wrong about something, or that we're not doing our job properly. The professional distance between those who do and those who try, can be quite a large leap. Getting everything in ship shape order can be an awesome challenge, however I am not one to shy away from a challenge, if I feel there is something for me in it anyway.

When it came to taking on some courses withShaw Academy, I knew that I was in for a rough ride. Having been writing online content for over ten years, and maintaining a healthy community of readers and friends, pressure from the tax man meant that I had to up my game or go back to washing dishes. Of course I would wash them, if I had to, but I decided it was only fair to give myself the best shot at getting into a professional career I could. So I started my own business in social media and digital marketing, alongside mywriting services, and then went about looking for the relevant qualifications to help me on my way.

Learning new skills can be like applying disinfectant to our shoddy self taught knowledge. When our livelihood is resting on the fact that we must be good at getting results, learning how to get them is the only thing to do. Restraining my emotions - be it fear, panic, disbelief, or anger, and actually paying attention to the tutor is one thing, and then applying it in my work is another. Once I finish each lecture I feel almost like a shaken up bottle of pop, ready to adjust everything all at once. However, what I know is best, is to wait a while, absorb the information and slowly consider my changes.

It is clear I have to make some changes, my attitude towardssocial mediais something that needs work on, taking a social and street attitude to a professional page is only creating gossip, and so when confronted with trolls and bullies, people who like to complain about their own life and insist you have responsibility just for being there, etc, they are going to have to be silently removed from now on. It's good to be loud and confident, but when there's a business involved, any police tape is a bad sign. Also it became clear that there are so many more things to think about when posting and creating things for digital media. The computerised social universe is very complex, evolving daily and is a hub for all sorts of ingenuity and inspiration.

The battle is on, my advice is togo and take some education for yourself, do something you love and find a way of turning it into a daily activity that pays. It will keep you out of the kitchen for longer anyway.

when that old sadness rises,
do not fight, or strain,
force away the eyes,
but be and see,
in passivity,
like bubbles from the silt,
feeling be what it wilt,
no shame in treading water,
when the currents are much faster,
than the energy allows.

Our feelings stagnate within us, perhaps from a specific time in our life when we had so many things on our to do lists that we didn't have time to stop and feel anything, we tend to put ourselves under stupendous pressure to get things done, especially when the alternative is perpetual cycles of same within same, and we simply want out. I am no stranger to this phenomenon as I am sure the majority of you are also familiar with it. Care for ourselves can be cruel, over powering, and excessive. When we truly want, we truly go for it, and this can mean an athletic marathon of endurance, perhaps even a heptathlon of efforts, in which all of our skills are called on even when the fuel tank is running on fumes.

It can happen that as we sit around one day, we begin to feel things that seem to appear from no-where. These stagnant feelings are these remnants of old sensations that were not given space to flow at their time of feeling. So, we had a good excuse, we were busy, great, but now we are not and our biology is asking us a favour. It's saying, stop a moment, sit and relax, be with this, I want to release some neurochemistry, some adrenaline, perhaps some serotonin, if you're lucky, but basically this stuff is ready to come out now. How about it?

We could go ahead and ignore it, carry on putting the heat on ourselves and going through that mythical wall that everyone is banging on about, and perhaps if there is a fire, or if the boss is demanding instant results, then yes, go through that wall, but we're talking about down time. Let's say you've had a long few weeks, the work load has been steady, and now something came up and the afternoon is dry for a change. This is when we get this build up of past sensations. We are free to allow them, and by doing so, it can seem odd in that we do not have any good reason to feel this way.

Perhaps its easy to criticise the feelings, or judge ourselves for having them, “What's the problem, am I some kind of wuss?” we may ask ourselves. The answer is, only if you're afraid to look this experience in the face and take it full on. If you're a wuss, you'll go and do some paperwork, and busy yourself somehow. If you want to let them out, then go and do something that doesn't require much thought. OK, so sitting on the sofa twiddling our thumbs is about as depressing as watching a world knitting championships in August, so we find stuff that allows us to just be. I love to do kitchen work for this, my brain is completely free to wander while my hands do their automatic job of cleaning.

In this way, those chemicals that have been swimming around in our deep core cells, waiting to be expressed as sensations in our nervous system, can suddenly be free to do their job, and the actual act of feeling them is a chemical reaction which takes away their chemical potency. It allows them to be discarded by the body and broken down naturally, freeing up pure space for new feelings, based on now time, not yesterday's echoes. Some of us may have had traumatic experiences in our past, some of us may even have been abused. This time is when our deepest sensational memories are release, and for those of us with powerful and intense ones hidden away, it can be quite upsetting. When they are bringing their ferocity in full force, it is best to not try to bring this to anyone in an emotional way, as the result can be trauma for them also, but it is better to isolate the feelings and simply allow them to pass naturally. Attempts to rationalise them or pin point them to specific events in the past are not helpful at this time, as their maturation will take away the specifics of their instant anyway, what we feel now is a fermented and disassociated version of the past event. Perhaps the sensation is connected to an array of previous moments, which all seem to link up in some ghastly game of snap.

Like I mentioned, from my personal experience in these matters, the best answer is to forgive the feeling, let it happen, and although it may be unpleasant, imagine it is like a stub to the toe, you know in your head that given time the throbbing will subside, and although it hurts like hell, it wont for ever and thats clear within ten or so minutes. Only if we fuss, and fiddle, and make a scene, does the emotional trauma continue. So if we must fuss, and fiddle, and make a scene, it better be a good reason!

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This website is a personal site written and edited by me, Rowan Blair Colver. This website contains affiliate links which are delivered at no extra cost to the customer but also provide a commission to me if you choose to make a purchase.