(Jig Reed and Croy Thompson are having sex with their tigers and smoking cocaine with them.)

SHANE DURTON
…to tell you about the International Magicians society.
Yes, it is actually a real organization in which all magicians must
become a part of once they graduate from Magic School.

(Jig and Croy are licking their tiger’s balls)

SHANE DURTON
Yes, you get many benefits, like Free Jungle Sex w/White Tigers.
If you are a magician and you’re not in the International Magician Society,
we will send you death threats until you do!

(Jig is face down on the floor, and a tiger is sitting on top of him)

SHANE DURTON
As a part of the IMS, you must take the vow of never revealing the secrets
behind magic tricks. If you do, we’ll kill you by submerging you in a tank full of water,
handcuff you, and lock the tank. And you won’t be able to get out the way you usually can that I’m not gonna say!
Now, its time for me to get some tiger lovin’, so if you’ll excuse me…

(Shane Durton is pounced by a tiger, and they start licking each other)

Hello everyone!!! I am David from Rad Books Galore, and I am here to tell you about one of the totally cool books we have at Rad Books Galore.

It’s called 20,00 Leagues under the sea by Jules Verne, and if you have never heard this title before, anywhere……I don’t know what to tell you.

Anyway the year was 1886 when this book started to tell it’s story. Well it has this boring beginning and our 2 guys at Rad Books Galore in the back room are still arguing about the beginning of the story so I said I wouldn’t say anything about that boring part. I said that only so they wouldn’t get in my face.

Well anyway the main part of the story is when a giant squid attacks a submarine and makes it sink. You’re going to have to read it to find out what happened to them. If you’re still not bribed…I mean interested in buying or reading this book I’ll read you a paragraph or so in the first chapter.

(take book and read page 1 until end of third paragraph)

Now if you aren’t interested to read this book no one is going to force you unless of course they have a gun to your head. Next time (if there is a next time) I will tell you about one of my most favorite books of all time…How To Get Out Of Book Reports Due Tomorrow.

Walking over bridge carrying an empty bottle. Throws bottle over shoulder. DIFFERENT ANGLE. Falls down and hits KID # 2, who is walking under the bridge, on the head. He picks up the bottle. Looks at it.

DIRK, a young man is sitting on a children’s merry-go-round. He’s holding a pair of cutting scissors. GREG, a large bunny, runs up and pushes the merry-go-round very fast. Dirk screams, and runs dizzily off up a hill. Greg laughs menacingly, kicks FRODO off the slide, jumps on the back of a truck, hits the driver with nunchucks and they peel out.

CUT TO:

MOVING

Camera circles around Dirk as he runs.

He falls off camera. SCREAMING. Blood squirts up.

INT: Doctor’s office

CEDRICK, a middle aged doctor stares into space, misty eyed. PHIL, the tough as nails physical trainer sits in the corner, hands on his knees.

CEDRICK

(sobbing)

I don’t think I can save him

PHIL

Doc, ya got to! Karate championship’s in two hours!

Cedrick puts a bandaid over the wound. The scissors are still protruding. Phil leans towards Dirk.

PHIL

(whispering; teary eyed)

You’re the best!

Music starts: “YOU’RE THE BEST”

CUT TO:

INT: Green room.

Dirk is working out. First he does sit-ups, then punches the air, jump ropes, then tries to do the splits. CRUNCHING.

CUT TO:

EXT: Mountaintop

Dirk is posing in karate stances in front of a sunset

CUT TO:

INT: Gym

Music stops. Dirk is facing off against Greg. A close shot of Dirk’s face reveals beads of sweat. Phil is in the corner, cheering him on. Cedrick is next to him, worried.

PHIL

Remember, kid! You’re the best!

(music resumes)

Dirk and Greg dance around striking karate poses and jabbing at each other.

SLOW

Greg yanks out Dirk’s scissors. Music fades out. Blood squirts from off camera. Close up of Dirk’s face in agony.

Phil yelling but is muted. While the commotion continues in the background, Frodo walks in front of the camera.

FRODO

(serious tone)

Remember, running with scissors doesn’t only affect you.

CUT TO:

Cedrick in the corner, crying blood and eating a bag of bugs.

CEDRICK

(whimpering)

I couldn’t save him.

CUT TO:

Middle of gym. Greg is jumping up and down with a large trophy above his head.

This was a group effort by davepoobond, elmoisfurry, Nose, and stimpyismyname.

–

INT. HOUSE – DAY

A cockatiel is on a recliner. People are bowing down to it. Another person brings a piece of bread and puts it in front of the bird. The bird eats a little of the bread, and the last person that came in, starts bowing down as well, with the other.

CUT TO: EXT. GRASSY FIELD – DAY

A BUTTERBEE is pollinating the flowers

Butterbee

I’m pollinating the flowers!

2 PEOPLE come over.

Person 1

Oh, what a pretty butterfly!

The Butterbee goes crazy and beats them up. Afterwards, he goes back to pollinating.

CUT TO: INT. HOUSE – DAY

ACTIVIST is in a cage. A DOG is outside the cage. The dog looks into the cage, “smiling” and the ACTIVIST is pawing at the cage happily.

CUT TO: SWIMMING POOL – DAY

3 people jump out of a pool and they swim around like otters. The camera tilts to a DUCK’s wing that has pieces of bread on it.

Duck

Quack quack!

The 3 people start looking at the camera, and act up.

3 people

(at same time)

Bread! Bread! Bread! Bread!

The DUCK throws in the bread.

3 people

(at same time, while punching at each other and grabbing the bread)

Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

DISSOLVE TO: ACTIVIST’s EYE – Day

The camera zooms out from the ACTIVIST’s eye. We see the activist holding a piece of paper above his head, that says: ANIMAL RIGHTS.

Mel Gibson (speaking in a Scottish accent): ay! I’m William Wallace, or that guy from What Women Want, or that guy from The Patriot or one of my other 100s of crap movies I’ve made, but I’m paid by the government to be William Wallace for this public service announcement.

(scene switches to a can on the floor next to a recycle bin)

(Mel goes over and picks it up and throws it in the bin)

Mel Gibson: the government has decided Americans are too lazy, so they have made a new program, called Recycle Now or Die. The government used to endorse the peaceful “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” program, but….nothing was happening. With Recycle Now or Die, an elite group of strong Scottish men from the movie Braveheart will kill whoever doesn’t recycle. Let’s show what happens to this litterer:

(fades to a guy drinking a can of soda)

(the guy finishes his soda, and throws it on the ground, when there’s a recycle bin right next to him)

(a focus on the can, and it tilts up, and you see 4 people in kilts “hiding” behind a tree, crouching. One has a sword and the other 3 have spears)

(Big Willy jumps and screams)

Big Willy: CHARGEEEEE!!!

(all 4 of them get up and run towards the guy with their weapons in front of them)

Guy: oh my fucking God! The Scottish are invading!

Big Willy: You didn’t recycle, we’re going to kill you!

(all 4 jump on top of the guy and start beating his ass down)

(while they’re beating him, Mel Gibson walks in front of the scene, and the camera focuses in on his face)

PSA Guy: hello, I’m the Public Service Announcement Guy, and I’m here, getting payed, to tell you that you should keep your litter and trash inside trash cans. Here to tell you step by step is Gwyneth Paltrow and Smokems the Ravenous Bear

Gwyneth Paltrow: hello, I’m Gwyneth Paltrow

(the camera goes to Smokems, and he has a joint)

(somewhere off screen): OH MY GOD! HOW’D HE GET A JOIN!? RUN!!

(camera goes back to Gwyneth)

Gwyneth: and I’m here to tell you –

(Smokems flies out of nowhere, tackling Gwyneth, and ripping her to shreds)