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he thought he did when he married you, but years later realized he was wrong

either because

he fell in (true, genuine) love with someone else during your marriage

or

he's come to realize he mistook the joy of pleasing you and everyone else (your family, his family, society) for love ... like many men of his generation did.

To him, your dwindling sex life feels like rejection and withholding of love. He equates sex with intimacy (even if he doesn't realize it), but doesn't know how to articulate that. Or he does and it's gotten him nowhere because you're pissed about other things and withholding sex is your favorite punishment.

Or

he's lousy in bed and you're over it. You just don't know how to tell him. You lack the skills to communicate your needs and you rationalize your failings by rehashing all of his. Rage is easier than fear. Your husband is fearful, but he's male and proactive. He sneaks around with me even though it makes him feel guilty

or

he doesn't feel guilty. He feels entitled to a fuller life ... to feel whole, alive, and connected, in exchange for the tile roof over your head and swanky lifestyle you live.

--

To the men:

Empathy is your friend.

Be nicer to escorts. Be nicer to girlfriends, wives, lovers, daughters, and conquests. They were NOT taught that life is a hierarchy, conversations are either won or lost, and that negotiating every aspect of a relationship is fine, good, and (hu)manly.

Women are taught to please, meaning NOT state their needs. Stop taking advantage of that fact. Stop being in denial about how often you take advantage of that and you will reap the reward of 10,000 kings.

The vigilant brain blocks everything … joy, arousal, emotional and physical generosity. Make her feel safe—make her TRULY safe and she'll open up to you like a dream.

--

To the pros. (Ah, hell ... all women):

Ultimatums are your friends. Ultimatums get a bad rap. You're been told they're an unfair weapon in the war on men, but it's time to unlearn that lie.

Another word for Ultimatum is Boundaries. Here's a secret: Men don't cross your boundaries. YOU do when you let them get away with shit.

Don't avoid confrontation. Do resist reactiveness. Diplomacy is everything. It will open every door you've spent your life bashing your head against.

Risk rejection. Communicate your needs. Honor them. Honor yourself. Honor the men in your life by showing them who you really are. To hell with any man who doesn't honor you back. Cut those fuckers off at the knees.