Female and male decisions implicating on intimate relationships and dynamics

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Value balancing act: how to scale it in the eyes of a woman

“Those
who have don’t tell, but those who don’t have, tell lies.”

Whenever I have the pleasure of a night out
in my local town, it is a joy to occasionally observe the interactions, or
sometimes lack of interactions, between the women and men in bars, clubs and
even the streets outside of kebab shops.
In some ways it’s like ground hog day, as nothing really changes.

Guys will be guys - the majority of them
appear to be desperate looking beta males, attempting vainly to find the way to
get the attention of a hot girl way out of their league on face value. On the other end of the extreme are those
guys trying to act like alpha males who have spent all week pumping up their
physical appearance, only to have no concern or regard to what will actually
acquire them the girl they desire – this being the appropriate attitude, inner
confidence and personality.

As for the young women: the highest
percentage will act slightly aloof and unapproachable, armoured in a weak,
self-conscious image of someone who has a sign on her head that says “no man is
good enough for me”, but her mind is saying “I desperately want a man to give
me some attention”. A small percentage
of women come across as slightly friendlier and out-going, although it is clear
that many attempt to turn the night into a fantasy of a local celebrity night
out - cameras at the ready, with post thoughts of posting their best pictures
on their Facebook page as soon as they arrive home. Neither group is truly aware of what they are
doing. I guess this is the beauty of
ignorance and obliviousness: you can never be aware of your mistakes. In any case, the two genders hit a brick wall
and the 4am dance floor consists of the few libido hungry guys who will now
take anything, alongside the few girls left who are minutes away from forming a
story of how no decent men are out there.
This is the whole problem in finding a compatible mate from the opposite
sex on a night out, as the process flows against the most effective way to find
that person. Women are acting guarded,
with expressions of false self-importance beyond objectivity. In reality, they need to come across as more
receptive if they hold genuine desires for men to approach them. On the other hand, men, who should be acting
in a balanced manner in illustrating good attitude, humility and confidence,
also fail to hit the right notes. They
choose an extreme ploy of excess supplication or that in being too
unattainable. And 95% of people from
both gender pools walk to the closest taxi rank, wondering what they have done
wrong. They tend to blame anything, or
anybody, but their own errors.

A friend of mine recently made an interesting
comment about how, in his opinion, women come across as much more unapproachable
than they were 10 to 15 years ago.
Although this friend of mine has been with the same woman for 15 years,
he does have an eye for interaction, very similar to me. In a way it is a good contrast - similar
minds, but from the married male and the single status male view point. My response to his comment was a question on
the basis to whether they are less approachable, or they just in fact come
across as less approachable - and in reality they are generally receptive once
engaged. He took my point, but stayed
with his instincts that they do appear somewhat “into their own
importance”. We both agreed that in the
era of celebrity magazines and reality television programs, it’s almost as if
they are vainly and weakly trying to replicate this by convincing themselves
that they must maintain a level of value above any guy who may approach them.

So amongst my close observations during these
nights out, it is noticeable how very little interaction between the men and
women goes on, and when it does take place, very few guys seem to have a clue
how to balance the whole value process when with a woman. It’s as if they are just walking around in
the hope that final vodka she consumes will tip her into his arms. However, on each occasion it does make me
analyze how three strategies of sexual market value balance, from a man’s
perspective, could work or fail.

We know that a woman can view a man’s value
in two extreme ways:

If a man comes across as too supplicated and
pays her too many compliments, she sees him as no challenge and consequently
rejects him.

If she perceives his value to be too high,
she sees him as too much of a challenge and rejects him in a pre-conceived
method.

There are three approaches a man can take, and
how it consequently could reap him rewards or fall flat on his face:

Female value
positive versus male value negative

In this scenario the man over compliments the
woman to make her feel good in herself.
He comes across as supplicated, desperate and sycophant, and makes it
obvious, in a subconscious way, that she has far more value than him. Even if in reality she has lower value than
him, in her mind she now believes she is higher.

Advantage

Not much in the whole scheme of things. However, if he has caught her in a weak
moment when she is craving for some attention, with the added influence of
alcohol to charge her need for attention and ego massaging, then a one night
stand is possible. Also, a short term
relationship when she needs a beta male in her life can be an outcome. And some women can perceive a renowned bad
boy as a challenge – even if he has objective low sexual market value - with
thoughts of being the one to change him into a better person. For a few minutes he will be her knight in
shining armour, before the inevitable transforming to a guy who has no life and
is no challenge.

Disadvantage

Once a woman knows she is the one with value
and power, he no longer becomes a challenge.
Women, being the sex with more options in the sexual market, require a
challenge and incentives in order to maintain their interest and purpose in
life. If a man fails in this regard, she
will become irritated of him, and his good points are no longer a selling point,
with his bad points making her want to depart from him before her soul is
ripped through with resentment or guilt.

Value neutral

This is a fine balance. The man values her opinion, he has his own
beliefs and principles, but he isn’t afraid to disagree with her. If he knows he is, in reality, lower value
than her, he won’t let her know or believe this. If he is aware he is higher value than her,
he will tone himself down and act in humility and modesty, without compromising
his value. A good example of this could
be if he approaches a woman and she mentions her boyfriend - he will casually
respond with a mention of his girlfriend (whether he has one or not), thus
succeeding in neutralizing the value balance and refraining her from thinking
she is more desirable than him.

Advantage

Like anything in life, an equal match is
usually one of benefit to each party.
Neither is in awe of the other, but likewise, one doesn’t feel inferior
either. Neither party feels like they
have to prove anything to the other, as there isn’t a balancing
requirement. This kind of process makes
her feel comfortable with him because of her interest in his life. But she also lives in the knowledge that he
values her too. He is enough of a
challenge to keep her interest level high, but not too valuable for her to have
egoism, self-consciousness and jealousy issues.

Disadvantage

Even in a balanced situation, this will not
satisfy some women. One woman may feel
like she needs to feel a little more value than him, at least in physical
attractiveness terms, even if she knows it is neutral. Another woman may feel a neutralized process
doesn’t make him enough of a challenge, although this would be rare in ‘value
neutral’. In the case of her needing to
feel she is higher in value, she will make subtle attempts to self-compliment
herself in order to create fiction that her value is higher than his. She may also pass comments his way that
devalues him. Women do this in any case,
as part of compliance tests, so in a man’s mind he should take this as a
back-handed compliment. But some women
can convince themselves of anything, no matter how far it is from reality, so
if she does pump her value up, even if only in her weak mind, she can form a
perception that her value is far higher than his, resulting to him being a low
challenge.

Female value
negative versus male value positive

This is when a woman’s perception, rightly or
wrongly, is one of the man attaining far more value than her. It is the perennial case of a woman giving a
man undue grief because she sees upon him as unattainable. It is a scenario where he is at least as
physically attractive as her, and this can cause problems. Men will also cause their own downfall here by
acting too cocky or boasting about their jobs or their accomplishments. Not only does this lead her to think he is
boastful and arrogant, but it also puts her in an insecure position. However, even a man who acts genuine can
often be dismissed by women who feel too far below him in value.

Advantages

Quite simply, the man in this situation is a
challenge. High value men are looked
upon fondly by women, and although they know there is a risk of attention from
interlopers, deep down they thrive on this.
Most women are natural followers, and they like to look up to a man and
see his value in its full glory. This
scenario keeps her on her toes, and boredom in her mind is rare. If she isn’t too jealous and insecure, this
situation of value imbalance is ideal from a man’s perspective.

Disadvantage

Insecurity - especially if he is as, or more,
physically attractive than her. A woman
not only needs to feel valued by a man, but more importantly she needs to feel
value in herself. A high value man can
make her feel or believe she is weak, even if he has done nothing to enforce
this view in her mind. Pre-conceived
rejection is at its most prominent in this scenario, as a woman will reject a
man in her mind even before he approaches her.
When a woman feels jealous, bitter or insecure when with a man that she
believes has higher sexual market value than her, this can lead to problems for
him as early as the first time he approaches her, or during a long term
relationship. Because she will never
face up to or admit to this imbalance, such is her need to protect her ego and
not come across as weak, the guy will never be informed of her vulnerability,
and there is nothing he can do to ease or reassure her if unaware of her
fragile pride.

When I speak to various women during these
typical nights, it does become apparent how they will react in different
ways. Some are secure, and they appear
at ease that a balance of value is met.
Some make it obvious they are in awe of you, and they either hide in
their shell or over-compensate with self-promotion and fishing for
compliments. And some women just act in
a hostile manner, such is their jealousy that they know your value is higher
than theirs, or they believe in the fictional created world of their own bubble
to form stories that their value is higher than any man they could meet on a regular
night out.

The following mental note should always be
placed in between a man’s ears when in interaction, whether in person or via
technology, with a woman: whenever he is acting in excess sycophancy, interest
or inquisitiveness, he negatively succeeds in two aspects.

First, he achieves to escalate her ego, which
is no benefit at all to the man chasing the woman as this only allows her to
believe her self-importance is higher than his.Whilst this may make her feel better in herself for a short while – in
knowing he is more attracted to her than the inverse – very few women have
visceral feelings for a man who is clearly infatuated in them.

Second, and more pertinent to reward, a
woman’s attraction to a man is fuelled when she sees his life as something she
would desire to pursue, to follow and to be a part of.A man following a woman, even on a social
network site, is lowering his value to that below hers.A woman instinctively grasps this low quality
in a man, irrespective of his physical attractiveness level, and she
consequently loses any glimmer of interest.Ultimately, a man should never be seen to be blatantly chasing the
woman, and although men almost always play the role of the engagers, he has to learn
the art in switching the psychological frame to her attaining that little bit
more interest in him than he is in her.

In truth, this re-framing of interest
shouldn’t be too difficult.As natural
leaders of their own existence, men generally live a more interesting,
adventurous and experienced life than women.A thousand posing pictures of nights out in a local town doesn’t account
for, or come close to, the accomplishment of one single picture alongside a
monumental figure in a major city of the world.

If a man recalls any past interaction or
relationship he had with a woman, whether this was an emotional connection or
otherwise, he would concede that his greatest results came when she was
intrigued about his life. This reason
alone is primarily why men should have many things going on in their life
outside of the time they spend within female intimacy. Then he will recall the polar opposite
scenarios when he wanted the approval of a woman. He probably didn’t smell her lack of interest
at the time, but in retrospect she couldn’t wait to get away from him.

The sexual market is fundamentally a buyers
and sellers industry. A man should
always aspire to be the seller at any opportunity given. If he is the buyer, as most men are faced
into by the sheer circumstance that there are a lack of women with confidence
in making the first interaction moves, he should make it obvious he can walk
away to a more attractive commodity if the price isn’t to his
satisfaction. Like a car salesman
desperate to fulfill his monthly sales targets, it’s no coincidence how a woman
will try that little bit harder if she believes validation on her part is
required to convince the buyer she is a worthy asset to his life.

Although a balance is required, and a woman
feeling in awe of a man is unproductive due to her perception of him being
unattainable and high maintenance, the reality is simple: a woman is more
sexually attracted to a man when she is the one hunting him down.

2 comments:

Excuse me but what do you know about what women think? You're not a woman. Especially because there are lots of them and they all think various things. So you should really develop categories and subcategories of women and break down what they think based on that. P.S. The 1 thru 10 scale is also too simplistic. To many men a women with fat thighs is not attractive. To a fat-thigh lover she might be a 9/10. And it stands to reason that women have variations in what they want in the same way. So you need to evolve your world view and develop your theories in a more fine-grained way that takes these sorts of things into consideration.

If these posts hit a little too close to home to you, then it will be because I speak the truth drawn from many experiences and interactions that have formed common female trends in the emotional field. Sure, we all know someone who genuinely goes against the grain - like a woman who IS NOT low in confidence, low in trust levels, high in insecurity and high in egoism (actually, I don't know one woman like that), but this is like a 1:10000 theme.

As for your "1 thru 10 scale" comment, again, this is based on how the vast majority of male population would grade a woman in physical attractiveness terms. Likewise with women judging men, but this isn't as straight forward because the female ego often results in dishonest verbal downgrading of men who are higher than her own relativity, and leveraging opinion of a man who is lower than her but who she still finds attractive.

But if it makes your day, sure, let me wink a couple of times and say that inundated men find women with fat thighs as 9/10 rank.

About Me

Tough and sensitive. Firm but kind. Happy to help, but not here to be used. Once naive, now astute. Versatile and ranged. Balanced yet peripheral. Stylish but not extravagant. Stands out at the same time as blending in.