Choosing Both Forgiveness and Prosecution

Along his journey to becoming a convicted felon, pedophile, and sexual predator, I was one of my older brother Michael’s earliest victims in life. He began “grooming” me when I was six; “Grooming” is a term I have since learned that is clinically used to refer to the deliberate preparation of an intended victim for abuse on the part of the abuser. The actual abuse did not begin for about another year after the initial grooming began.

My mother did not become aware of the abuse until I was ten years old. She immediately put an end to it, but blamed me for it in the process, demanding with overtones of disgust that I spend the rest of the day in my room, and that while I was there, I was to “BEG God to forgive [me] for what [I had] done!” From that moment on, I believed to my very core that God hated me, and that He was utterly repulsed by my very existence. I was never taken to counseling. No one ever told me that the hopeless feelings of hurt and betrayal, shame and worthlessness that plagued me relentlessly were anything other than a deserved reward for my actions, in having allowed these things to happen to me by not telling someone of them immediately, the very first time anything had happened. This was a “principle” my parents had learned in their many attendances of Bill Gothard’s seminars… that the guilt of an attack falls to the young lady who does not “cry out” when assailed.Ihad failed to cry out. But for years, Michael had only molested me when we were left home by ourselves. As the years went by, he got more and more brazen, and would mistreat me with my mother sitting just around the corner. I was perpetually silenced with shame, fear, and confusion. None of that changed when my mother got involved… only the abuse itself stopped temporarily. Hardly another word was spoken of it. It was as though the whole thing never really happened, and it was all just swept under the rug. In fact, according to my dad in recent years, my mom never even told him the details of what happened… just a vague, “Something happened between Michael and Elisabeth, but I took care of it.”

Emotionally, I was scarred beyond measure. I needed help desperately, but not wanting to be “rebellious” by going “out from underneath my umbrella of protection” (another ‘principle’ that was horribly twisted by Gothard’s teachings), I remained paralyzed by fear and painfully silent on the matter for years. After all, I had been carefully indoctrinated not to be the “fool” who brings grief to their mother by dishonoring the authority God has placed over them! Meanwhile, unbeknownst to us all, my own pastor… my hero… my father… was engaged in a lifetime of a different kind of sexually abusive activity of his own, all while holding up a higher and higher bar of Bill Gothard’s standards of righteousness for the rest of us to attain. His behavior did not come to light until years later, when the judicial system got involved.

When we found ourselves faced with all this at once, our family was shaken to the core. Even worse, when we contacted Bill Gothard, in an endeavor to be completely under authority and to let him know of the devastating valley through which we suddenly found ourselves traveling, instead of finding compassion or support of any kind for our deeply hurting family, or accountability for my father, we found ourselves cast out of the home-school program and excommunicated instantly! Bill Gothard and our Family Coordinator never spoke to us again. Their response only served to reinforce my childhood perception that I was utterly worthless and that God hated me. My father continued to struggle for years, before finding freedom and victory–far away from the camp of condemnation we had come from. As far as I know, he has now been free from his sexually abusive behaviors for well over a decade, unlike Michael, who sadly continues to live in bondage.

Following Michael’s abuse and my mother’s response, I lived with the constant torment of overwhelming guilt and shame, but was incredibly relieved to be free of his abuse at last, and was so happy to be beyond that indescribable nightmare once and for all! Or so I thought. Several years later, the abuse suddenly began again. Michael was now 18; I was 15. It was well known in our home that I was an extremely heavy sleeper. Unbeknownst to me, Michael had begun to come into my room and do things to me while I was sleeping. One night, I barely came to consciousness as he was fondling me. With horror, I realized he was mistreating me! I was extremely alarmed, and afraid of what he would do if he knew I were awake, so I merely shifted my body position (as though I were sleeping) to protect myself from further attack. The very next day, I tried to get help, but I had zero self-image whatsoever, and didn’t know how to approach my parents about it directly. I just knew it was going to be my fault again! The days drug by. I was utterly TERRIFIED! I repeatedly tried to get my mom to make Michael stop coming in my room after I fell asleep, but she either didn’t understand, or wasn’t listening to my pleas for help, because his inappropriate physical violations continued getting worse for about six months. During that time, I trained myself to sleep defensively as my only source of protection. One day after having yet another request for my mother to ban Michael from my room at night blown off, I blurted out in total desperation that she wasn’t listening, and that I NEEDED HELP!!! Finally she said something to my dad, who apparently threatened to kill my brother if he “messed with [me] again.” After that Michael didn’t come in my room like that again, but he continued to be extremely “handsy”… so much so that my parents had to re-assign our dinner table seating arrangement a couple of years later when I was 17, so that he was no longer sitting next to me during dinner. He just would not keep his hands to himself… even in front of my parents!

The years went by. He got married. I moved out. I thought he ‘outgrew’ it. I had no earthly clue that he was continuing to perpetuate that behavior towards other girls–particularly my sweet little niece, his own daughter! Then I got the call…

Michael called me out of the blue one night, sounding frantic. He said he was “on the run” but “wasn’t at liberty to talk about why.” Upon pressing him further, he admitted to me that he had been molesting his daughter. (He later told my dad that he started molesting her when she was SIX! She was 11 at the time.) Fearing that the authorities were about to close in, he said that he planned to leave the country and eventually send for his family. At that time he and his wife had eight of their now ten children. All eight were immediately removed from their custody and put into foster care. Sadly, the two that have been born since remained in the custody of their mother until just this past Fall, when the state finally removed them, for unexplained burn marks. This was the same mother who deliberately lied to the courts about the sexual abuse of my niece to try to cover for Michael, and who fought to keep her sexually abused child out of counseling so the state would be none-the-wiser!

Unfortunately, it turned out that law enforcement did not have enough evidence to press charges against Michael, as he and his wife had managed to get their daughter to recant her story and claim that the abuse never really happened, and that she had just had a “bad dream.” No victim, no crime. I, however, began to make sure that anyone and everyone connected with the case whatsoever was fully aware of his abusive history, and begged them to do what they could to protect others. For years, the investigators’ hands were tied. Then my niece went to counseling. She became angry about what really had happened. She began to talk, and the case re-opened. But because she had initially lied so vehemently and for so long, she discredited herself, to a certain extent, as a witness. Because of this, I was called by the state to testify in court, along with some others who were also past victims of Michael.

I was frightened. My life was very pointedly threatened by another family member attempting to keep me from testifying. But I knew what I had to do. I love Michael, and I have forgiven Michael; but I could NOT allow him to destroy the lives of others. He was not, and is not safe. I do not ever see that changing. His behavior has been going on for over 30 years. Yes, I believe that God can change him, but he has to WANT to change. If you were to ask him, he doesn’t even have a problem! He denied everything and claimed that everyone was just out to “ruin an innocent man’s life!” An ironic claim as he was facing charges which held the potential for multiple life sentences. In reality, the “life ruining” was quite the other way around! I made a decision I will never regret: I flew across the country to testify at his court case. It was one of the hardest things I ever did.

In an interesting turn of events, it never went to trial. When Michael found out that I would be testifying against him, and that I was actually en route, along with some of the other witnesses whom he had violated, he began to scramble to make a plea bargain.

To give you an idea of how twisted Michael has gotten, he was actually whistling loudly as he approached in chains that day. I could hear him quite a ways off from the courtroom where I was awaiting the court proceedings with the other women whose lives he had scarred. What was he whistling? “The Robin and the Mouse” song by Al Smith–A song about being obedient, avoiding temptation, making right choices, and doing the right thing. It was the same song we had learned at the annual ATI (Advanced Training Institute) home-school conferences we faithfully attended where we were ingrained with Bill Gothard’s endless, legalistic twisting of Scripture to suit his own interpretations. (These were the very interpretations and twisted teachings that shaped my mother’s misguided thinking and devastating response to her discovery of Michael’s abuse which had held me in bondage for so long!) The song Michael was whistling was the one he used to sing and play on the harmonica throughout our childhood and teen years. Come to find out, this was same song he used to sing to one of the other witnesses every time after he would violate her, telling her that God had told him to do it! During the entire court case, Michael kept staring at me with such a sinister glare. Even the investigator, who has seen just about everything in her 17 years in this field, said that it was the first time she had seen him in person and that, “He just radiated evil.”

When it was all over, I was completely emotionally spent, but Michael’s case was finally resolved. The agreed upon terms were that he serve 26 years in prison, followed by being on probation as an electronically monitored Sexual Predator for the rest of his life. While it isn’t life in prison, I am grateful that his ten children will be grown and out of the house before he is released back into society and able to hurt them again. Best of all, I sleep peacefully at night now knowing that because I stood up against Michael’s actions, countless others will never know the pain and destruction of sexual abuse at his hands! The most amazing stories in all of this are the ones that will never be!

Elisabeth lives on the Eastern Seaboard with her husband and five children. Since finding her freedom from the bondage of legalism, she has begun to find joy and purpose in life like she never dreamed possible. She continues to grow stronger than ever before in her walk with Christ, utterly adores her husband of over ten years who has taught her what Christ's love is really all about, and cherishes the amazing gift of each of their beautiful children. Best of all she is finally learning, in her heart of hearts, how precious she is to her Heavenly Father.

If this sexual abuse series brings up any emotions that you would like to process with a professional counselor, please e-mail us at: support@recoveringgrace.org. We would be happy to recommend some professional counselors who are associated with the Recovering Grace ministry and who are familiar with the fundamentalist background of ATI and IBLP.

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

38 Comments

Thank you for sharing your story, Elisabeth. I'm so sorry I didn't know, never suspected, what you were living through. I wish I could have been there for you. I admired you a great deal growing up, and I still do--even more. You're a beautiful, courageous woman, inside and out. You are loved!

Thank you, Dawn... You are pretty awesome yourself!! My life wouldn't have been the same without you. I loved you like the sister I never had... I just wished I could have protected you better than I did!!

Thank you Elisabeth, for sharing your story. Thank you for standing strong for others and for following through in court. It is wrong for abusers to hide behind the church and it is wrong for the church to let them. You absolutely did the right thing! Your actions saved many.

Thank you for peeling back and exposing some of yourself for others Elisabeth. I know it must've hurt to walk back through this no matter where you are today in you're healing process. Thank you for your example in standing up despite the mindset that had been forced upon you not to speak out. Know that someone out there will take your example and use it in their own life in some way for their own peace and freedom. Be blessed!

Yes... You are right... The peeling back was absolutely exhausting! So much so that it has taken me nearly two years to come back and reply to the comments! Of course I had a baby and went through chemo during that time, so I was a bit preoccupied... but sharing the story of my journey was truly a grueling process. I am so very happy to do it though if I can help others if even just a little to find encouragement, help, healing and ultimately freedom!!!

We just sat down and read this together (my wife and I). It's like a movie, with your brother whistling the song to you. So cold. Something my wife pointed out is how sad it is not only to have this hanging over your head during the day but then not to be able to sleep safely at night. We hurt for you friend. So glad you are out of that now.

Thank God for your courage to help prevent those other stories from ever happening.

For some reason your comment was particularly encouraging to me... I think it might be just because you and your wife, whom I have never met (that I am aware of) seemed to truly care about my pain, when for so long, everyone I knew and loved seemed oblivious and/or remiss at *best* about what had been done to me.

Thank you for having the courage to share your story, Elizabeth. I knew another family in ATI where the oldest son had been abusing his younger sisters for years and nothing happened to him; the sisters were told to "forgive and forget". It took enormous courage for you to testify against your brother, and I admire you very much.

I applaud your strength in not only sharing your story here, which I am certain will help many in knowing they were not alone, and also in showing that this was the reality for MANY in ATI but also and perhaps, especially, for having the courage to testify, if need be against your abuser. Thank you! Your words are healing and powerful!

Thank you! My greatest hope in all of this is that others be protected, encouraged, empowered, and uplifted... that they may find true hope, healing and joy regardless of what their journey has been! More than anything, I want to see all that has been stolen from each and every person who has been the victim of such evils (innocence, peace, joy, confidence, years of life, relationships, an understanding of who God really is, etc...) all returned and completely redeemed... many times over!!!

Oh Elizabeth, I don't know you but I am SO proud of you!! I can't begin to imagine the courage and strength it took to board that plane and face Michael. I am so sorry for what he and his enablers put you through, and am so glad that because of your bravery, many other victims were spared.

Thank you, Krista... and yes, I was physically shaking as I watched him stride arrogantly into the courtroom grinning and staring at me eerily, only to then turn and lie to the judge, ***still*** asserting his innocence, while defiantly accepting a plea bargain "Because [he wasn't] going to trust [his] future to a bunch of *crooks* in a corrupt legal system"!!!

Those you speak of... who have been spared... It is for them I stood up. I could not sleep at night with the thought that I would get to eternity and be faced with countless scores of beautiful lives that had been utterly destroyed, all looking to me imploring as to why I had done nothing... said nothing... and had let the atrocities continue!!! I could live with the death threats. I could NOT live with that... so I did all I humanly could to try to make sure that my story NEVER became theirs!!!!

I have done all I know to do... Now I just pray that he never hurts another person!!!

Thanks, Kevin! I am so grateful for all that Recovering Grace is doing to stand up "for those without a voice"!! May God bless every single person who has invested themselves into mending the broken, setting free the captive, and lifting up those whose lives have been trampled by lies, abuse, and legalism!!!

I went through a much shorter period of abuse like that, when I was eight, only to grow up and be told after I became a Christian that good old Billy G said it was my fault. I had really come to a healthy place with the abuse until hearing that. Fortunately, I didn't believe that lie for very long, but I met at least four other girls involved in ATI who were victims of childhood sexual abuse and believed it was their fault. And these four were the ones who openly told me. It always haunts me wondering who else has kept silent out of shame. Thank you for sharing this! I earnestly hope it allows others to come to freedom.

I am sorry you too had such a journey! And yes, having someone you look up to and admire inform you it is *your* fault is absolutely devastating. I am glad you recognized that lie for what it was!!! I too have been haunted by the silent ones who suffer in the shadows of life... Which is exactly what compels me to share my story! Maybe, just maybe... someone, somewhere will find the spark of truth and hope they so desperately need in the mosaic artwork that is my life!

Oh my goodness!!! You are amazing!!! Thank you so much for sharing this and may the world see the ideals of legalism are to hide the truth for a fake front! I thank God for your freedom and your strength! What a truly amazing story!

About 18 years ago Gothard sent out, possibly with the ATI newsletter, the testimony of a young man who had molested his much younger sisters. Most of the testimony was about the personal problems and sins the young man believed led to his offenses, and the story of how he repented. In the list of contributing factors, however, the young man said that although his sisters wore dresses they were never taught to "wear them modestly." He theorized that this was because his mother was a former nurse and wanted the human body to be "no big deal" to her children. The sisters in question were under ten years old.

During that same era Gothard on several occasions denounced "nakedness in the home," which he said led to temptation and sin.

It's easy to see how a victim of abuse, especially a female victim, could from these messages infer her own responsibility for the actions of the abuser.

Absolutely. While I am all for teaching my daughters a healthy sense of self-respect and modesty, these gothard ideals are way beyond anything healthy, normal, or even sane!! It seems to me that many of these "Biblical principles" function quite effectively as a fail-safe to protect perpetrators and keep the victims powerless and silent in shame. :(

I am sorry you have experienced such pain. There are FAR too many of us who have been through this journey. In answer to your question, No. We were not sexually abused by our father. While sexual in nature, his struggle was far different.

I am pretty sure he was about 9, and yes... we are pretty sure he was abused at a boarding school when he was about 7. I am SURE counseling would have helped greatly had he been open to it... I KNOW it would have spared me *years* of pain and torment!!

Gothardism was/is a good breeding ground for sexual abuse. I am amazed again and again when I hear new stories. I shouldn't be, but I am. I wish I was more aware back then to the pain going on around me and that I could have been help in some way. (((HUGS)))

Other than the actual sex-slave market itself, I cannot think of a better breeding ground for sexual abuse than extreme legalism. It paralyzes those in its grip with fear and condemnation, silences everyone except those at the very top of the pyramid, and perpetually snuffs out life and hope.

Reading this brings up so many emotions in me. Mostly because I can totally understand. I was sexually abused by my older brother from the time I was 3 or 4 til I was about 12 or 13. My parents found out about it when I was 10. They were overwhelmed and had no clue how to deal with it. The advice that they received was to forgive my brother since he had "confessed and repented" and to confront me with my sin. As an adult I now understand why my mother was so concerned about the possibility of me continuing the cycle of abuse with my younger siblings, but at the time being told how I needed to repent and questioned about abusing my siblings made me feel like my parents blamed me. Unfortunately since my brother suffered absolutely no consequences his behavior did not change. My guilt was only increased by the fact that my brother constantly told me about how hard he was trying to be good, but that I was too great of a temptation. I felt like telling my parents was pointless, since obviously the abuse was my fault somehow. I don't know how many times I begged God's forgiveness for what had happened. The abuse finally ended because I finally learned how to successfully avoid him. At 22 I am only now beginning to deal with all of the baggage. For years I just pushed my issues under the rug because I couldn't deal with it while I was still dealing with my brother. I know that God has brought me this far, to a place where I know that He does not see me as "damaged goods" and I know that getting to a place where I am emotionally healthy will be a long journey but being able to share my story helps. And knowing that other people have made it through is an encouragement.

Joy, I am so sorry. Our stories are incredibly similar!! I can identify with almost every single word you have written. I totally understand the whole sweep 'my issues' under the rug approach... I did it for years! Sadly, it doesn't help. As an adult, I pursued professional counseling. I had one good counselor who really helped me grow! I saw her for less than a year. I was surprised how much I got out of that time. There were others, but they only made matters worse and heightened my impression that something was desperately wrong with *me*! Believe it or not, I have found great help in Joyce Meyer's materials... books and recordings. Unlike the other "trained professionals" I encountered who didn't have a clue what they were talking about outside of a textbook and some clinicals, she truly understands and knows what steps are necessary to become MORE than a conqueror for those of us who have walked (or more often, *crawled*) through this valley!! I pray that God would encourage you in a very special way, and help you to be *completely* released from the horrid effects of such experiences!!! All the best to you my friend!!!

What an incredible story. As someone who's never been sexually abused, I'm always in awe of the amount of bravery and strength people like you have. I think I would crumble under such pressure; I'm not a strong person at all. I'm so glad you found closure and I'm glad your brother will never hurt anyone in that way again.

Elisabeth,I am so sorry that you suffered such abuse growing up. I'm so happy that you are free from the bondage of legalism now.Gothard's teachings are responsible that this continued as it did. Directly responsible. This man has never been married, yet he is looked up to as the leading authority on marriage.He has never raised children, yet he is looked up to as the world's foremost authority on raising children.He clearly knows nothing about counseling victims of sexual abuse, yet again, here he is the authority on this area too, giving his steps and principles as to how it should be handled.The man is a fool! In what universe does he think that blaming and shaming the victim is the proper way to handle the situation? http://www.recoveringgrace.org/2013/04/how-counseling-sexual-abuse-blames-and-shames-survivors/His backwards teachings have real world impact on people's lives, and as we have seen so many times, the consequences can be devastating.Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story.

There may be a societal component in that such matters were not spoken of in "Christian" homes, yes due to the shaming element. In my family, it was the cousin that molested my brother and I. My Mom knew but would never confront her Preacher Brother about his perverted son. My guilt has always been that cousin Jim went on to be a teacher. I have prayed that he never abused again. Recently when speaking to older cousins I learned that he had abused them also...so he went through all his cousins I guess. NONE of us kept quiet to our parents but the parents refused to speak to the Preacher Brother and thus he continued for over 10 years in our family. Our parents are in their 90 and 80, still living and still have never spoken of the family secret. Yes we were raised fundamentalists. so sad.Thank you for your example of courage to speak up and spare others.

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