Tuesday, November 25, 2014

When you decide settle down with a significant other you will notice that your social life will come to a screeching halt. Your once free nights of getting white girl wasted (WGW) and hitting on anything with a heartbeat must come to an end. The adult alternative to getting WGW is going out with another couple.

Select The Couple:

The couple you select for your "double date" must be socially deprived and just as desperate as you to leave their home/apartment. Once you've found a couple willing to drink in public with you, you can now begin planning your evening.

Select Your Location:

The location you select for your outing is crucial. You should not select a place with the words "Night Club" in the name. These places are filled with single basic bitches on the prowl and it will be too painful for everyone in your party too witness the fun they are having. On the flip side, your location should not have an early bird dinner special and should at least serve some sort of alcoholic beverage. So your ideal location should be somewhere in between Pulse Night Club and Bob Evans.

Drink But Don't Get Drunk:

Once you've selected your location and have met up with your couple of choice you can begin drinking. When out with another couple you must be sure to achieve an ideal level of drunk. If you drink too much, you will tell the couple what you really think of their relationship and they will never agree to go out with you again. However, if you drink too little they will think you've lost your "edge" and are too boring to ever go out with again. So keep it classy and you'll be able to keep the only friends that will respond to your text messages.

Call It A Night:

After about two to three drinks everyone in your party will agree that they miss their pets/ (heaven forbid) children and decide that it's time to go home. When you glance at your phone for the time, you'll be SHOCKED that you've lasted until 10:00 P.M.

Back at home, you will feel socially satisfied yet thankful that you get to put your "give-up-pants" back on. The next morning you will text your friend about your "hangover" and you'll both agree that you cannot party as hard as you once could. Although this social attempt was rather weak it should prevent you from killing your significant other for at least one month. After your social satisfaction has worn out you can repeat the above steps and venture out of your home once again for another night on the town!

Friday, October 3, 2014

Becoming a stripper used to be something I would threaten my father with when I wanted money. Now, BWG (Basic White Girls) have turned stripping into an acceptable form of exercise. As a BWG, I decided to indulge my dreams of stripping and take one of these "fitness classes".

As you can see from the above video, Dazzle (that's my stripper name), will never make a dime stripping. But I still had fun and my instructor Peanut was most definitely and actual stripper.

Friday, August 22, 2014

At some point in your 9 -5 job, while staring off into space in your cubicle, you will come to the realization that this is the rest of your life. Before you grab a knife and jam it into your eye ball try to make the best out of your job! I have put together some simple tips to help you get through your work day:

Get an on-the-job hobby

When you've taken all the Buzz Feed quizzes and have checked Facebook a trillion times, it’s time my friend to get a work place hobby! I recommend something subtle that you can do on your computer like writing a lame blog, drawing on paint, playing online poker, or anything else you find enjoyable. Just don’t get caught and your work day will fly by!

Socialize with your co-workers for as long as you can

It doesn’t matter if you don’t give a fuck about Joe’s weekend make him tell you about every painful detail and then have several follow up questions prepared. By the time he finishes you will be ecstatic to stare at your excel document for another three hours.

Try to make a friend
To make friends, I recommend awkwardly approaching people and telling them about your weekend getaway with your cat. That will really let your co-workers know how cool and socially desirable you are.

Take up smoking

Once the nicotine fills your bloodstream craving your next cig will be more enjoyable then craving the end of the day. Also you will be allowed to take more breaks then your fellow co-workers throughout the day (WIN).

Take a long lunch

No one is really paying attention to how long your lunch break is so relax and enjoy it! Come back when you feel ready and when you've finished hitting that (insert drug of your choice) pipe.

G-Chat/Text/Facebook Message/E-mail/Smoke Signal

It doesn't matter the medium just try to communicate with as many other sad cubicle dwellers as possible. It will make you feel less likely to jump off the 12th floor at lunch.

With these simple tips, you too can enjoy your 9-5 job and hopefully suicide will not feel like the only option.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

When you get into the real world mundane things, like your coworkers talking about their children, will make you want to physically harm yourself. For example, I know more about my cube-mate’s daughter, Hailey (age 11 but will be 12 on Friday, on two swimming and soccer teams and loves to bake), then I do about any other person in my office.

If you have children, just a heads up, your child is not special and is probably EXTREMELY average. You are average, your husband is even more average so your kid is undoubtedly average as fuck.

There is no better form of birth control than listening to a women talk about waking up at 5:00 AM to take her daughter to an all-day swim meet. Yeah… never in a million years.

And once the “kid talker” starts there is usually little you can do to direct the conversation elsewhere. However, I have established a few ways to deal with these people in a loving and professional way:

1. If you've heard the same enchanting tale about their kid for the millionth time, professionally acknowledge that you've already heard their story.

Coworker: “Ryan hit a homer in t-ball last Saturday”
You: “Oh really, that story was marginally interesting on Monday, but because today is now Friday I have seriously stopped giving a fuck.”

Thursday, July 17, 2014

In order to sound like an eloquent adult in social
situations you must determine what your political point of view is.

For example, I’m a socially-liberal-fiscally-conservative-anti-organized-religionist.
What does that mean exactly? Great question! Let me annoyingly explain my beliefs to you!

Socially Liberal:

Like every 20 something, I believe in fetal termination,
sexual/racial/gender equality, legalizing a certain green plant and all those hippy things.

For instance, I don’t want to be cliché and talk about
abortion but... fuck it.

If I, a person who has walked away from a
parked car with the engine running and every door wide open, got knocked up, even
the conservatives would opt for me to be “pro-choice”.

I can barely remember to feed and bathe myself, heaven
forbid a child was in the mix. I used to care for children and I was ALWAYS more
entertained by Yo Gabba Gabba then they were (granted I was stoned… but that
just further proves my point). My non-maternal genes are so apparent that even the
government has deemed my uterus, “Not Fit for Procreation”.

So, if a girl can admit, “Hey I’m a hot mess and would
really fuck up this fetus” let her do what she wants with her baby oven.

Fiscally Conservative:

Three words. I’M A JEW. Enough said.

Anti-Organized-Religionist:

I believe that religion is about spirituality and for the Jews,
leaving a 10% tip. It is NOT about standing up and sitting down because some "holy man" in a big room tells you to do so. Also, standing up and
sitting down is extremely fatiguing and I think even God would agree.

Because I am so wise and worldly those are all of my political
perceptions. Consider taking your own stance on a few key political issues. Then, at parties and social gatherings, loudly
discuss your beliefs because your views are obviously the ONLY right ones.

The moral of this story is that I am going to
Hell for everything written above but it’s America and I can write whatever the fuck I want to … or at least I think I can.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

White girl problems are the worst because they feel soooo real accept they’re not at all. My sister is the biggest white girl complainer of all time. A simple, “How’s your day?” NEVER ends with, “Good and you?”. For example: Me: “Sara how’s your day?” Sara: “Ugh ok… I guess BUT (and there’s always a but) my secretary is so annoying. She always asks me questions.” But you have to sympathize with white girl problems, no matter how ridiculous they are or else it'll never stop.We LOVE bitching. I think we white girls get our fuel for life from Diet Coke and complaining about our first world problems. The number one white girl complaint ... our boyfriends.Like: “Ugh can you believe Ben tivoed over Top Model again last night. Seriously, if this behavior persists I might have to say something.”But we NEVER confront our problems. As a white girl our most lethal weapon of choice is passive aggressive warfare.Like instead of letting you know, "Hey don’t record over my show", we just go in and cancel all of your recordings for the next month and blame it on “mechanical error”. But the worst thing a white girl can do is not complain about a boyfriend she should be complaining about. For example: “Joe called me fat again in front of all my friends last night, he has such a good sense of humor. Things are going to be so perfect when we get married.”When a white girl isn't complaining about her boyfriend, it’s because she wants one thing. A ring on that finger. But we all know that the fat jokes aren't going away just because she has a half karat ring from Macy’s on her right ring finger. But all joking aside, there are some legitimate white girl problems out there.I think the most serious white girl problem is when we go to send a snap chat to someone and the front view of our camera is on. Seriously nothing makes you feel worse about yourself then seeing your double chin in full zoom on your iPhone camera. This issue is so serious that I’m thinking of starting a charity for it. My charity will be called “White Girl’s for a More Flattering Front View” and the slogan will be “Because taking a good selfie is hard enough”. Keep on being white basic bitches!XOXO

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

If you are like me your first job out of college will be
less than ideal. The majority of your day will be spent gchatting, pretending
to get your co-workers coffee and thinking about the magic cookie you get to munch
on after work.

Below are a few examples
of the average day in the REAL corporate America:

The best part of your day will easily be when you have to go
to meetings. The term “meeting” is just the adult word for hour long bull
shitting sessions about company goals (whatever the fuck that means). In these
meeting corporate buzz words like “synergy” and “ROI” will be thrown around as
if they have actual meanings. In a meeting your boss can’t get mad at you for
not doing anything because you have to be there but we all know that physically
being in a meeting has nothing to do with mentally being present.

About 70% of your day will be spent snap chatting selfies of yourself doing embarrassing things to your co-workers who are also snapping instead of working.

Then when your boss actually musters up enough faith in you to give
you a real project you will have to take a break from gchat to work. You will
spend about 2% of your day actually accomplishing “corporate goals”. Once you’ve
logged that solid 2% of effort you can go back to achieving your snap chat initiatives
for the day.

The rest of your day will be spent bull shitting with the people
you work with. Talking about how fried your brain is from smoking so much will
be a common topic of conversation. Your older, boring co-workers will discuss
how they have to do yard work and other domestic shit and you will thank baby Jesus
himself that your life hasn’t stooped that low yet.

You will also take several unnecessary coffee breaks through
out the day. Once you’re done getting coffee, you will have consumed enough caffeine
to keep a full grown African elephant up for days. At this point your jittering
body will be too fucking pumped up to actually do any work.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

When you get your first job out of college, you will begin to realize how easy it is to get a position in a professional field. The people you work with will make you loose faith in entire institution of higher education.

You will begin to notice that you can classify your co-workers into “types” of people that share consistent personality characteristics. I have generously identified some of these “types” below based on my vast professional experience.

The Dated Hipster:
All hipsters eventually have to go somewhere (like the sad city I live in) to die. They will no longer be able to sustain their “all organic” lifestyle that they once had in their “hipster friendly” city. So these hipsters will have to relocate to a shitty city to live out the remainder of their sad life.

The dated hipster at your company will love drinking French pressed coffee and discussing IPA beers. This person also might have a trendy job title like designer or graphic artist but it’s all a cover up for their, now, basic as fuck life.

The Washed Up Party Boy:
Whether you work for a large or small corporation there will be tons of washed up party boys at your company. You know this guy… he was probably in a frat of some sort and used to go to the bar seven days a week to sniff out the DTF girl wearing the trashy Victoria Secret perfume.

The washed up party boy probably used to live in a grimy apartment covered in empty beer cans but now lives in a nice home in the burbs with his wife.Today this guy will probably revel silently in his glory days although rarely mention them in fear of being discovered as a used to be party boy.

The Stoner:
In reality everybody at your sad job probably smokes, however… there is still the one that makes it obvious. This guy probably wears chillaxed apparel and is never concerned with corporate deadlines. He has also probably requested to work “remotely” to maintain his “green” lifestyle. The stoner also frequently requests days off to attend Phish concerts... but who wouldn't.

The Church Goer:
Amongst all of your hot mess co-workers there will be the one glimmer of hope known as the church goer. This person will come in first and leave last and be dedicated to his or her job. They will also be young with a wife, child and a home in a boring suburban town. And this person is boring as fuck so that’s all I have to say about them.

The New Mom:
In the corporate world it is not scandalous when a chick gets knocked up (people actually want babies when you get old). The chick that recently had a baby will come to work but not really give a fuck about her job. She has a baby and even better a baby daddy with the cash money. She has a job simply to get a little shopping money and to not die of boredom at home with her baby.

All of these people will try to offer you advice about career advancement and professional development but it is best to ignore everyone you work with. You have your own agenda after all your "type" would probably be the 22 year taking everybody else’s job just because you know how to use Facebook and Google. Life is good for you ... at least for now so take advantage of it because in a year a 22 year old is going to take your job and classify you as "the wannabe 22 year old party girl who refuses to grow up and get a real job". But that’s an entire year away so enjoy!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

If you are lucky, your first job out of college will come with a salary and a “work” laptop. But if you are like me and the other 1% of the post grad population, your job will be in customer service. This job will pay you nothing so you'll be forced to live with your parents for the remainder of your sad life.

A position in customer service may sound like a nightmare but trust me when I say it’s an amazing “opportunity”. Every time you are forced to deal with a customer you will think to yourself, “thank god I get to interact with another imbecile today… I’m so fucking lucky to have this job?”

Although customer service may seem like an easy gig, there are some difficulties associated with this type of position. So, I have generously put together some customer service tips to help you succeed in your new role:

When a customer asks a question always respond with, “I have no idea”. Customers like dealing with uninformed individuals, it makes them feel intelligent and powerful.

If the customer does not know English, do not attempt to help them at all. This, my friend, is fucking AMURICA and we only speak English. Helping foreigners is for the Red Cross and Habitat for Humanity not for your sad soul answering phones in Cleveland, Ohio.

If you are answering the phones, put the customer on hold for as long as you can. Customers love waiting on the line and you NEED to finish telling your co-worker about how fucked up you got last night. Everyone knows that customers come second and that inter-office gossip ALWAYS comes first.

Drink on the job. The only way to actually deal with human beings for 40 hours a week is to drink during work. Your boss is never going to notice that your coffee has a fifth of rum in it or that your water bottle is filled with vodka. Drink up… you are the sad soul dealing with the greater American population all day long… you NEED the alcohol.

Finally, ignore the customer when they are talking. You’re not going to give the customer a real answer to their problem anyways (refer to #1) so why waste your valuable thinking time listening to their issues. Just keep filing your nails, chewing your gum and looking at people.com because this is really the only way you're going to help anyone.

So with these simplistic customer service tips you'll be on your way to making your managers proud! And that dream spot in your parents’ basement will always be yours!

Monday, March 3, 2014

In college the walk of shame was once a normal part of your daily routine. In fact this early morning stroll was not even that shameful. As you meandered through the streets, with your sex hair and make up smeared face, people seemed to be silently cheering for you and your prior night's conquest. However, now that you have permanently relocated to your parents' basement, the walk of shame is no longer as effortless as it once was.

Because of your unfortunate physical proximity to your parents, they may actually want to know where you are at all times. You should never disclose your location to them because you are in the prime of your life and shouldn't be held back by two people who can't hear the TV unless the volume's all the way up. So go out, live your youth and don't worry about the nursing home residents you unfortunately have to co-habitat with.

Through out the night if your parents do attempt to contact you, make sure to silence your ringer and keep on partying. It's always a good idea to keep your parents in the dark especially if you're sloppily drunk and hitting on anything with a heart beat. When you do resurface the next morning, the once silent cheers from your college days will be replaced by the disappointed glances from your conservative parents.

As you try to sneak slyly into your bedroom to sleep off the shame from the night before, your mother will request to have talk with you. She will claim to be "disappointed" in your behavior and beg you to be more "respectful". As she blabs on, you will quickly come to the realization that the pot you smoked on the way home was an AMAZING idea. Your foggy brain will try to formulate some lie to tell her but it's probably best to just remain silent and walk away.

Your high is not worth wasting on this "discussion" and your mom is never going to actually reprimand you so just go hibernate in your room until this blows over. In due time your parents' deteriorating memory will inhibit them from recalling why they were ever even mad at you. So if you're living at home and embarrassed about your promiscuous behavior, you can choose to stay home and watch your ass expand in your sweat pants or you can slip your parents a Roofalin and go live your life.

WARNING- option #2 may have some serious legal ramifications, use with caution.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

When you live at home, you will start to see your parents’ psychotic behavior unravel. The unfortunate, genetic similarities you share with your parents will alarm you and force you to seek immediate professional help. However, getting a therapist costs money and they’ll diagnose you with an actual mental disorder so professional help should probably be avoided.

So… where is the best place to get psychiatric help? The answer is obviously the internet. The internet is a magical place filled with advice that is 100% accurate all of the time. I myself have recently found solace in the wonderful advice from the internet.

When I first witnessed my mother’s mental deterioration, I immediately Googled her behavioral patterns to determine if I shared her psychosis. I came across a quiz entitled, “Why is My Mom Such a Bitch?” This test was surprisingly exactly what I was searching for. The internet is magical like that, no matter what you start to search for Google always knows how to finish your sentence and the results are fucking fantastic!

So I took the quiz and the results revealed that my mother was simply suffering from an unfulfilled Prozac prescription. Ah… that did make sense, she is always more tolerable when she takes those anti-depressants.

Then a link on the side of that results page led me to yet another quiz. This quiz was entitled, “Why Am I Crazy”. If you live with your parents taking a quiz, such as this, will truly shed light onto your mental instability. I gladly took the quiz, desperate for the ever so accurate results page to diagnose me with a legitimate mental disorder.

While taking the quiz, I quickly began to realize how fucking insane I am. I found truth in every question.

“Are you working in a dead end job and still inappropriately living with your parents”- FUCK …YES

I hit the “GET MY RESULTS” button on the last page of the quiz and the truth came out. I was suffering from: mood swings, possible psychosis, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, bi polar, tri polar, daddy issues, social isolation syndrome. The list went on but honestly I stopped giving a fuck because that results page had a link on it that led me to the quiz, “Which Disney Princess are You?” This quiz seemed less scary and the results were much more pleasant.

So, the moral of this story is your parents are fucking nuts but at least you are more like Bell from Beauty and the Beast and not that horrific cave woman Pocahontas.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Occasionally you'll make your way into the social scene and find yourself with a drink in your hand. Now that you live in suburbia, drinking will become your habitual escape and will be impossible to live without. While some may call this alcoholism, I prefer the term "coping with real life". Whatever you call it, when you live in the burbs partaking in drinking related activities is a must.

But how much alcohol is too much?

When that first drop of alcohol hits your tongue a feeling of uncontrollable lust for more will take over your body. Before you indulge in that second drink, remember suburban people are boring and will judge your drinking habits. But fuck them, self-control is overrated and you still live with your parents so you actually NEED that second drink (and possibly even a third or a fourth …oh fuck it just grab the entire bottle).

The sweet buzz of alcohol will run through your veins and for one brief moment of bliss you will forget your sad fate in life. Soon your alcohol induced happiness will be infectious and others will actually want to interact with you. This is when you should try to make friends because we all know that your sober personality sucks and that SIRI is the last person you had a conversation with.

So, for that brief moment everything in the world will seem magical (the pot you smoked on the way to the bar might also have something to do with that). But then things will take an inevitable turn for the worst. You will begin to think everything you're saying is fucking hilarious and will be too inebriated to notice that you are no longer talking to anyone. Also, you will mention that your cat is one of your only friends and that if it weren't for her life would be meaningless. Then, Whitney Houston's "I want to Dance with Somebody" will start to play and the urge to force people onto a non-existent dance floor will take over.

The final sign that you should be cut off will occur when you begin to talk about your failed career as a Zumba instructor. Even though no one encourages you, you will insist on showing the entire bar how great of an instructor you would've been. As you take the dance floor and begin to awkwardly gyrate your body a manager will escort you out of the bar.

UGH I know people just don't appreciate the beauty of Latin inspired, cardio dance but because bars in suburbia shut down at 9:00 PM you might as well just call it a night. When you get home and reflect on your night, you will realize that drinking is the only thing worth living for but knowing you limit is important.

So, how much alcohol is too much? The amount may vary from person to person but a good indicator is usually when the bar's manager calls the police on you for sexually harassing the other customers.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

When you live with your parents, it is crucial to remember that you cannot maintain the promiscuous lifestyle you were once accustomed to in college. Long gone are the days of sloppy one night stands and shameful walks home. And by shameful walks home I mean eating too much late night pizza, passing out at your friend's house and rolling your doughy, body shamefully home the next morning.

No matter what you actually did in college, your life is still now over.

It is time my friends to settle down with what I like to call a "nice guy". Now before you complain, remember that you live with your parents and therefor you can longer "date" your flaky, drug dealer who only sexts you at 2:00 AM. Your parents are old fashion and want to actually meet the person you claim to be dating. Since your drug dealer disappears for 3 weeks when you mention of your parents, you have to quit that and hit up a nice, respectable guy.

This guy will have what adults refer to as a "white collar" job. No more hitting on the Mexican, janitorial staff at Chipotle. These guys may smell like jalapenos and sweat (a scent every woman is secretly drawn to) but they will inevitably break your heart. Your white collar man may smell like Macy's brand cologne and printer paper but he will never leave you.

Your new man should also only wear khakis and business casual attire. Stop dreaming that the guy wearing Fendi jeans actually likes vagina. You are also not going to have a heterosexual relationship with your stylish, Starbucks barista...he is very gay! You are going to have to accept that your new man will probably dress like George Michael from Arrested Development. But remember he will never leave you for a man named Heroldo that he met at New York fashion week.

Finally, remember you live at home and no self loving man who lives alone is going to want to engage in any sort of romance with you. So, you're going to have to find a boy who is also living the dream with his parents like you. When you find your paper smelling, khaki wearing, home body get down on one knee and make him put a ring on it because this guy will NEVER leave you. He is the trifected of stability and commitment and he will make your parents weep with pride.

So, gear up your wedding Pinterest board because you my friend are in this one for the long haul. But before you panic at the thought of your sad, suburban future there is a sliver lining in this tale. I have no fucking idea what that lining is but I'm sure the correct pill cocktail will help you find it!

Friday, January 24, 2014

For every recent grad, shedding a few of those accidental beer pounds becomes first priority upon receiving your diploma. For the first time in four years you will find yourself in an unusual situation. You will have something adults call a “salary” and you should make no attempt to save it at all.

So, you have a shit ton of money and zero friends what should you do? Well…get your fat ass, to a gym! UGHH I know moving is hard and going to the gym really cuts into your drinking alone time. Alas, a gym membership may be beneficial for making those sluts, that are still in college, jealous of your post grad bod.

Recently, I myself had to face the fact that my late night relationship with cheesy bread sticks may have had some negative affects on my figure. So I joined a gym. Upon joining, I was told that the kind staff at my gym would generously provide me with a non biased health evaluation. Confident in my athletic abilities, I came to the consult prepared to hear how flawless I already was.

Unfortunately, one step on their “all knowing”, body fat scale revealed that I was unknowingly obese. FUCK! This is something that every post grad will definitely go through. Long gone are the days of simply wandering around the gym in Lulu Lemon looking good. Now, you might actually need to sweat because you probably look terrible in your Lulu Lemons and have for quite some time. Thank god you've been perpetually intoxicated for four straight years and did not notice how fat your ass looked in sweatpants.

***HINT: Your workout regime will only be successful if your Powerade is actually vodka. Lets get real somethings, like your undeniable alcoholism, will never change.

One simple rule to moving back home with Mom and Dad. Suck at interviewing. I’ll give you five easy steps to a terrible interview that will get you that golden ticket back home:NEVER research the company- Fuck them they should research you. Who gives a shit about whatever the fuck ProV in Akron, Ohio is selling. So you sell a metal screw that is crucial to the success of some fucking auto part. Who cares ProV! You suck, I don’t want your shit and no one else does, so don’t get pissed at me when I don’t know what you sell.

Always tell the truth- This seems obvious but any successful interviewer will tell you to lie as much as possible. So if you want to land that dream spot in your parents’ basement, tell the company how you have zero experience with software X but you’re really great with Microsoft Word! Say UM A LOT! If you think you haven’t said UM enough throw in a few more just for fun.

Just in case the interview’s going well, make sure to turn the volume up on your phone. So when your phone goes off (and it will go off) you can pretty much guaranteed that the job is not yours. BE HUNGOVER- Be as hung over as possible. I’m not talking a few glasses of wine the night before. I’m talking an all night binger. So that when morning rolls around, your brain is so fucked up that even if you had something smart to say you mentally can’t form complete sentences.If you guys follow these simple yet highly sophisticated steps the American Dream of living at home will be yours.XOXO