If you have been reading each installment of “How Can I Get My Spouse To Love Me Again?”, you should realize that there is no magical formula to get someone to fall in love with someone else. It’s like Genie tells Aladdin, “I can’t make someone fall in love with you.” But what Genie could do for Aladdin was to change him into someone that Jasmine might be willing to love.

There are two final verses that I believe will help in creating the right environment for love in your marriage relationship. The first verse is called the Golden Rule. Matthew 7:12 (NLT) 12 “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

As a married couple, this seems like a no-brainer. If you want your spouse to treat you with respect, then you must respect them. If you want him/her to be understanding, then you must be understanding. If you treat your spouse with contempt and anger, then you can expect that in return.

One of the things that I have done recently is to ask my wife if she feels that I am treating her with respect and understanding. In the same line of questioning, I’ve asked her how I could be more understanding and respectful. When I ask these types of questions, usually Lisa will open up and share with me her hurts, confusions, and her needs. When she does that, I must admit that sometimes it is difficult for me not to be defensive. But if I want to be more loving, I take down my defenses and allow her to share in a way that is safe and encouraging for her to be open and honest. If you want to be able to create that loving environment, lose your defenses and treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.

The second passage is Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT) 3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

These verses are written to a church congregation, but are very applicable to a married couple. Selfishness kills marital love. If one person in the relationship always takes from the other and never gives back, then the giver will run out of something to give. It is important for both spouses to feel that they are not in the relationship alone. Each needs to feel a sense of togetherness and selflessness. Verse 4 implies that a person makes sure their own needs and interests are met, but at the same time interest in the other person is very important. Are you controlling? Do you always have to have your way about what TV program to watch? What about which restaurant you go to? What about how you spend your free time as a couple? Who does all the cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc.? In any area of your marriage, consideration of your spouse is very important. What are their needs or interests? Do you even know? Take the time to learn your spouse’s needs, desires, interests, likes and dislikes. When you do these things, you begin creating an environment that is safe to love as well as creating a person that is loving. Prayerfully, your spouse will respond to the love that is being shown.

What are your thoughts concerning this series? I would love for you to share them in the comment section below.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBTDirected Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry. The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

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Yesterday I began a series of blogs entitled “How Can I Make My Spouse Love Me Again.” ( http://wp.me/p4Le1U-aD ) I have been asked this question by many different people, both men and women. It seems like that we are continually “falling into and out of love” in our society today. Everything seems to be pointing us to the thought “Whatever makes us happy.” I have been told “I’m not happy in my marriage any more” countless number of times. There is even a new show on television, Satisfaction, that promotes adultery to keep a married man “happy.” I believe that God gives us the proper way to stay “in love” with the spouse that we married from the very beginning. Today I want to share with you some thoughts from scripture about how a woman can encourage her husband to “fall in love with her again.”

The first thing that you should do is: Respect Your Husband. Respecting your husband might be one of the most difficult things you do. From the very beginning, Eve struggled with this concept just as Adam struggled with leading her. After the encounter with The Serpent, God gave the judgements to each of the individuals involved. When He came to Eve, He said,

Genesis 3:16 (NLT)16 Then he said to the woman,“I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy,
and in pain you will give birth.And you will desire to control your husband,but he will rule over you.*” (Bold Italics Mine)

Other translations leave out to control, but the previous interpretation seems to be pretty accurate from what I have studied. Our society has truly torn down the man’s role as the leader of the marriage as well as torn down man’s role as a leader in most areas of life. Now I am not wanting to start a major discussion on feminism or male chauvinism. I am simply stating how I believe love remains in a marriage relationship. Ladies, your husband’s greatest need is to be respected. A man feels respect primarily in two ways. The first is by what he accomplishes in his life. Included in this area is his work as well as his hobbies. If he feels successful and accomplished, he probably feels respected.

The second way he feels respected is by the way he is treated at home, primarily by his wife. Women, your man needs you to follow him and not to argue with him about everything. I will let you in on a secret, my wife is probably smarter than I in many areas. If I would have listened to her on several occasions, I would not have made some of the mistakes that I have made. Yet, God tells me to be the leader and tells her to follow. I am not saying that you do not have a voice, but I am saying that if you want your husband to love you, you must respect him and follow him.

1 Peter 3:1 (NASB95)1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives. . .

Proverbs 21:9 (NASB95)9 It is better to live in a corner of a roofThan in a house shared with a contentious woman.

The second thing I would say is: Don’t Nag! As I have already stated, you might be smarter than your husband. You might not agree with everything that he suggests or decides to do. But the Bible is clear that you are not supposed to be argumentative and contentious. When you nag your husband, you are not presenting yourself as very lovable. I believe that you have the right to share your opinion and that you have a voice in the decisions for your family. Once your voice is shared, it is up to you to be a Godly woman and follow your husband.

Nagging also includes complaining about what you do not have. If you are not content with the life that you have and are always complaining about not having nicer things or newer clothes, etc. I guarantee that your husband feels disrespected. I actually know of a couple who divorced over the fact that the husband did not buy the car that the wife wanted, but rather bought one that cost more than $25,000 less than the desired car. I know that there were other issues involved, but this was the final “straw.”

Finally, let me encourage you to: Respond to Your Husband’s Sexual Advances. Again, you want your husband to feel respected. If you continually turn him down, he thinks you are being disrespectful. You might even want to be the aggressor at times. I know that is not natural for most women, but if you are afraid that your husband is not “in love with you” any more, then you will need to do some things differently.

I realize that I am writing from a man’s perspective, but my wife does read my blogs. The next post will address some of the steps men need to take to help their wives “Fall In Love With Them Again.”

I would love to hear your thoughts. Please leave them in the comment section below.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBTDirected Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry. The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

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I really can’t tell you how many times I have been asked the question “How can I make my spouse love me again?”. So many people talk about “falling in love” and then “falling out of love” through out their marriage. As a society we want to have those butterfly in the stomach feelings forever and when we lose those feelings, we believe that we are falling out of love. I was told recently by a client “I’m not in love with him any more. Oh, I love him. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. He’s the father of my children so I’ll always love him. I’m just not IN love with him any longer.” Does this sound familiar? Have you been told this? Maybe you have felt this. Maybe you are feeling it right now. You don’t like the feelings you have or that have been shared with you by your spouse. You want something different than what you have right now. Over the next few days, I’ll be sharing with you some thoughts on HOW CAN I MAKE MY SPOUSE LOVE ME AGAIN. I don’t believe that I have a magic formula, but I do believe that if we begin to view our marriage as God views marriage then we can have a very loving and fulfilling marriage.

The first step in this process is LOVE YOURSELF. Now you might be thinking that I am encouraging you to be arrogant or conceited and that cannot be further from the truth. Mark 12:31 (NASB95)

31“The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Jesus quoted Lev. 19:18 as He answered the scribe’s question about what the greatest commandment was. I tend to believe that in order to truly love someone else, we must first learn to love ourselves.

What do you think it means to love yourself? I have asked many people this question in my office. Most of the time, the answer is “I don’t know.” Sometimes people hem-haw around and might come up with an answer of accepting one’s self or even liking one’s self. Both of those answers are on the right track. I believe that to love yourself means to see yourself as God sees you. God focuses on the potential that He has placed in your life. He wants you to experience His unconditional love through Jesus Christ. God does not love us based on any performance other than His own. Performance Based Acceptance is the norm of today in most relationships. What have you done for me lately? What do you bring to the relationship? What can I get from you? All of these questions ( and many like them) govern many marriages and other relationships as well. Not with God! He loves us unconditionally. We cannot nor do we bring anything to our relationship with God other than our surrender.

When we look at ourselves, do we have the Performance-Based Acceptance attitude? Do we think about our failures? Do we think about our regrets? We need to learn to think about Who We Are and not What We’ve Done.

Another aspect of loving ourselves is finding value in who we are. I realize that as a Biblical Counselor I believe that our only value comes from our relationship with God through Christ. The question is “Can I find that value?” God has created us for a purpose and when we do not see that we perceive that we have no value. Many people that do not realize their own value have a very difficult time seeing the value of other people.

Finally, I believe that in order to love yourself you must be able to forgive yourself.When God forgives us, He casts our sins “as far as the east is from the west.” He chooses to “remember them no longer.” When we mess up, it seems like we are “elephants” and we never forget our wrong doing. Forgiveness does not mean that we will forget, but what it does mean is that we will not hold it against us any longer. Again, I ask my clients “What defines you? Does your sin define you? Or does something else define you?” I am not trying to get anyone to overlook their sinfulness nor am I attempting to suggest that sin is no big deal. As Christians, God completely forgives us of our sins and does not hold them against us; therefore, in order to see ourselves as God sees us, we must do the same.

Loving yourself is the first step to getting your spouse to love you again. Let me conclude with this last question…”if you don’t love yourself, why would your spouse want to love you?”

I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Please leave your comments in the section below.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBTDirected Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry. The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.