It wasn't our fault, Mr. Mackey, the [points] handicapped kid made us do it. [the other boys look aside at...]

Timmy:

Timmeh!

Mr. Mackey:

Well, it doesn't matter, because you're all going to be punished!

The Boys:

Awwww!

Timmy:

Timmeh!

Cartman:

[weary] We're gonna have Detention again?

Mr. Mackey:

NO! Detention doesn't seem to work for you boys. I'm afraid this time, it's... [close up, dramatic] the Gauntlet. M'kay.

Kyle:

What's "the Gauntlet?"

[Rome, Italy, day. Dramatic Music. The Roman Colosseum exterior is shown. Cut to a gladiatorial waiting room. Inside, the boys wait behind two big heavy wooden doors. The doors open to reveal the Colosseum interior, as shown in "Gladiator." The Roman crowds cheer the boys as they come out. They are afraid]

Announcer:

Fellow Romans! Here we have five very naughty boys from South Park, Colorado!

Crowd:

Booo!

Mr. Garrison:

Feed 'em to the tigers!

Announcer:

[off screen] And the challengers... [two other wooden doors at the opposite end of the Colosseum open] Maximus and friends! [Maximus leads his men out to the arena, dressed as in "Gladiator."]

Maximus:

Boy, I'm a Spaniard, by Cracky!

Crowd:

Ma-ximus! Ma-ximus! Ma-ximus!

Commodus:

[as the crowd chants "Ma-ximus!" he whines] Why are they cheering Maximus? Why do they like him and not me?

Announcer:

Begin!

Maximus:

Charge! [his team charges towards the boys]

The Boys:

Aaaaaaaah!

Cartman:

[covers his ass with his shield] Oh, you guys! I crapped my pants! [Maximus' team approaches. Maximus goes for Kenny and drives his sword right through the top of Kenny's head and down.]

Kenny:

[squeaks] (Ow!) [Maximus lifts his sword to inspect his kill, then shoves the corpse off the sword with his boot]

Stan:

Oh my God, Russell Crowe killed Kenny!

Timmy:

Timmih!

Cartman:

[rubbing his hands into his pants] Oh, it's all hot and sticky, you guys.

Maximus:

Now, let's get the rest! [his team charges again]

Stan:

What are we gonna do??

Cartman:

We're gonna die! [Timmy is unfazed. He just grins. As Maximus and his men draw near, a blast comes down from above and scatters them. A space ship descends to the arena floor]

Stan:

Whoa, who is that? [the ship lands and the doors open. Close-up on the Psychlos, led by Terl, that appear in the doorway]

Cartman:

It's John Travolta and the Church of Scientology!

The Boys:

Hooray!

Timmy:

Timmeh! [the Psychlos approach]

Stan:

Wow, thanks, Scientologists.

Terl:

Hey, no problem, you guys. [begins handing out some paper] And now you can take these personality tests.

Cartman:

O... kay...

Maximus:

[on his feet with his team] It's those meddling Scientologists again, mates! LET'S GET 'EM! [the team moves forward again]

Terl:

Join the Church of Scientology! [shows Maximus the personality test]

Maximus:

Never! You'll have to kill me first!

Terl:

Okay. [he and his men raise laser guns and shoot at the gladiators, vaporizing each one] Looks like our work here is done! Let's party! [he and his men start to dance disco-style to the Bee Gee's "Staying Alive" and the crowd roars approval. The boys dance a bit]

Timmy:

Timmih!

Cartman:

Hey, I think this will come in real handy... as toilet paper, m'kay?

[The exterior of the Roman Colosseum is shown once more. End of The Gauntlet.]