Ask The Non-Mom: Getting the baby off the boob

First things first, I’d like to apologize for this mini-hiatus I just went on. Let’s just say that everything in my life is changing for the better. Only thing is it’s keeping my mind busy and full of less jokes. Secondly, Ask The Non-Mom is a new series on Jen Talks Too Much where you parents can participate by sending in your serious or not-so-serious questions, and I will do my best to answer them. Really it’s a win-win. Submit your questions here: www.facebook.com/jentalkstoomuch

Non-Mom,

How you do you get a boob-loving 10 month old boy to stop nursing? And when I say boob-loving, I mean BOOB-LOVING. He enjoys reaching for them and burrowing his head in them at both opportune and inopportune times – like when visiting my boss at work who I try to appear professional with, even during my mat leave.

Daniella, Toronto

Hi Daniella! Great question! I’m going to level with you, your kid has it right. Boobs are awesome. Even as a straight lady, I appreciate all breasts. I think they are wonderful. They are one of the many reasons why the female species is drastically better looking than the male species. Small boobs, big boobs, weird boobs, they are all great! All of them.

That said, I’m sure the last thing you want is to have your kid pull down your shirt in the middle of a serious conversation. And since it’s fall, the first thing I’m going to recommend is a turtleneck. Turtlenecks are pretty much a breast milk chastity belt. Or better yet, try a turtleneck onesie. I think that’s what they are called, you know with the clasp at the crotch? Shirts like this were super popular during the Brenda and Kelly 90210 era of fashion. I’m sure you could find one out there.

What does your baby think about food that isn’t from a human? Maybe you could make up a song about how that food is sooooooooo much better than boobie milk. Something like, “mmmmm cereal, mmmm banana’s, mmmm bottle, yuck yuck boob.” Really that’s probably going to be the Bubble Guppies next hit.

You could also pass him off to the person you’re talking to anytime you want to talk about something serious. That could work right? For instance, you want to ask for a raise, give your boss the baby, ask for the raise, and your boss won’t even notice that they said yes because they magically start to baby talk the instance the baby is in their arms. It’s pretty much a scientifically proven theory that you could benefit from up until the baby is no longer a baby. Then you’ll need to have another one so that you can get a lower rate on your mortgage. Therefore, not only are you not having to deal with a baby tugging at your shirt, but you also benefit financially. This could very well be the exact thing your bank account was waiting for.