Friday, January 30, 2015

Enough with the tears and memories...there will be more time for that later. Let's talk about the biggest sporting event on the planet before we flat-line. I've been breaking down the Super Bowl in my own unique way since this blog’s creation. This is the 9th year that I've instituted my 15-prong attack to figure how Sunday's game will shake out. I can't remember if the system is 6-2 or 5-2 so we'll just assume that we are 6-2. It picked Denver last year even though I kept saying throughout that I hated that pick (and bet against it). I expect to continue our traditional winning ways this year. As a reminder, I don't know how this breakdown will go until I finish it. Personally, I have no real feel on this game at all. I can’t look at either team and say “yes, this is why they will definitely win” as I have been able to do in the past. This is a tough game to handicap. The line opened at SEA -2.5 but has gone bonkers and has settled on New England -1 with an O/U of 47.5.
Remember, RIBS are on the line (and we have a new leader):

It's a five stud race to the finish. The tie-breaker will be Gronk receiving yards using Price is Right rules (because as we all know, in football, LOW MAN WINS). Let's fire up the Predictifier one last time:

QB - Tom Brady is possibly the best QB to ever live so he is definitely ELITE. Rusty Dubs is well on his way there at this pace. However, rumors are swirling on Twitter that he definitely had a concussion against GB (TOTES OBVZ) and is still dealing with headaches now. Also, Brady bangs Gisele while Rusty is nailing Snowphat (left and a man) and is probably gayer than Michael Sam. NE +4

RB - Lynch is the goddamn best. Treating the media like the filth that they are and celebrating with dick grabs and candy is just amazing. Blount is a piece of shit and deserves nothing but bad things. SEA +5

WR/TE - You really have to give Seattle a ton of credit for doing what they've done the last two years with absolutely zero decent wide receivers. Doug Baldwin is terrible. The Patriots have the three best pass catchers in this game (if not more). I haven't done any prop research yet but I will probably go over on Brandon LaFell's total yards. Have a feeling that he's going to have a big role. Gronk gets extra points for A Gronking To Remember. NE +6

OL - The Seahawks have a guy named JR Sweezy which is the least white name a white man has ever had. As you remember, the Pats had #77 Nate Solder score a receiving touchdown last game. We favor #77's making the score sheet here. NE +3

DL - When you start a guy from Bowling Green, you are inferior always. Michael Bennett (the DL, not the horrible RB from Wisconsin from about a decade ago) wore a hilarious cowboy hat to Media Day. Props to that. SEA +2

LB - I really like both Bobby Wagner and Jason Collins or whatever his name is. Malcolm Smith is still there I think and he won the SB MVP last year somehow. Circle gets the square. SEA +2

DB - There is no doubt that Richard Sherman and Revis are the two best CBs in the league (Peterson is third and Justin Gilbert is last). Chancellor and Thomas are badasses and I can't wait to watch them deal with Gronk. I think that Patrick Chung sucks though and Brandon Browner is the most OVERRATED CB in the game. Dude holds on every route. SEA +3

K/P - Still have not forgiven Belichick for getting rid of ZOLTAN. Gostkowski and Hauschka are both incredible kickers (takes one to know one). SEA wins the points though because Jon Ryan is a touchdown throwing machine and trolled Big Gay Aaron Rodgers after he did it. Respeck, BRAH! SEA +2

WTF?

Return Game - A bald idiot once constantly mouth-queefed that "SPECIAL TEAMS WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS" and it has to be true with these two squads. I mean, each team features a white punt returner. That is huge. PUSH DUE TO EQUAL GRIT

Coach - I am not much of a Pete Carroll fan but at least he doesn't cheat. However, McDaniels is killing it with formations and schemes and that could be a deciding FACTor. That leads me to ask the question: Is Josh McDaniels a FACTorback? NE +3

City - Would I rather spend a weekend in Seattle or Boston? LOL! I'll take mountains over fall foliage every day. SEA +4

Fans - Who do I hate more: SeaHulk and the 12th Man (blatant rip-off of Texas A&M by the way) or Tommy From Quincy and people of that ilk. Maybe I'm growing soft over the years but I find the 12th Man to be way more nauseating. Probably because you can shut up any Pats fan by mentioning that they can't be ELI. Also, I'm a fan of Li'l Poopson. NE +2

Celeb Fans - I can forgive Seattle for embracing Macklemore because they have Johnny Karate on their side. Bostonians can go to the Hell of Hell forever. SEA +5

Organization - Bob Kraft killed his wife instead of just divorcing so that he could fuck models. And now he wants an apology from the NFL even though he and Goodell play tummy-sticks on the reg. I feel like the Seahawks owner is the Microsoft guy or the Starbucks guy or Boeing or some such thing that I've used plenty of times. SEA +3

Against The Spread - Seattle was 11-7 against the number this year while the Patriots were 10-8. The team that makes people the most money gets the point. SEA +1

Add it all up and The Predictifer has...

Seattle goes back-to-back with a 27-18 (SEA Under) victory in Super Bowl 49 at Burke's House. It's pretty simple: who wins the middle of the field when New England has the ball? I like those safeties more than Gronk and Edelman. Put me down for Gronk with 77 yards because that is the best number.

It should be a great game. All week, I was thinking New England but The Predictifier brought up a lot of great points. I believe in sports karma and thus there is no chance in Detroit that the Patriots deserve to hoist a trophy Sunday night. Then again, this has been a God awful year for the NFL so what better way to cap it off than by having the cheaters win. As for my slovenly ways, I have decided on making a taco pizza (sheet style) and I very much looking forward to making that. I don't know who I am rooting for (probably will be Seattle) but I know that I am definitely on Team Katy Perry. See you Monday. Enjoy the Super Bowl.

The build-up to this year's Super Bowl has been the worst I've ever seen but if you want a real hearty chortle, go to Conan's website teamcoco.com and enjoy the shit out of Beast Mode and Gronk playing Mortal Kombat against each other. It was literally the funniest thing I've seen in weeks. Lynch is the best.

I love everything about Seattle. Sherm and Lynch are the best and then Rusty Dubs is there to balance it out as the good guy. But Sherm and Lynch and just doing and saying whatever they want is the best. I hope they win again and then Lynch runs over everybody on the field on a golf cart.

I decond G$ on the Conan/Gronk/Beast Mode video. "That's how Toad do." Who knew Marshawn was a huge Mario Jars fan?!

Seahawks fans out this way are going full retard. I've callers on the radio talk about how AZ will be packed with 12's because Patriots fans aren't real fans and probably don't care. They basically insinuated that no fan base is as good or affects the game the way they do. The host immediately asked about the NFC championship game and why those great fans left early? There was no inteligable response.

Fuck this game. I hate both teams and their fan bases. Pete Carroll and Thug (I prefer another word) Sherman are impossible to root for. On the other hand, I dont mind Brady and Gronk but hate Belichick, Blount, and BILL FUCKING SIMMONS. I can't stand his Boston teams winning anything.

Worse? Yeah...okay. Carroll was believed to be heavily involved in a scandal that crippled USC football, then bailed on every kid he recruited right before shit hit the fan. It doesn't get much lower than that.

Most people believe it was deeper than that and there's evidence that suggests Carroll knew exactly what was going on under his nose. Then he bailed when he got caught leaving someone else to clean up the mess. Slime.

One thing I've always wondered about these Super Bowl posts, how do you assign the points for each category? Do you just pull these numbers out of thin air? Since it's the last SB post ever, I figured it was a good time to ask.

I hate both of these teams. I have a FB friend that I used to work with that was born and raised in Boston and he has been a giant douche all week about how the media and the NFL is out to get the Golden Boy Tom Brady and Billy B. The comments on his posts have been equally douchey, as there is an abundance of shit heads in the New England area. For that reason alone I'll root for the Seahawks I guess...and Katy Perry's boobs.

Not sure where Drew has been all day because I was hoping that he would defend his Twitter takes last night:

*An 18 year old kid is going to be Ohio's Charles Barkley. Holy shit is that ridic.*Ohio Buckeyes are figuring it out and becoming playas which isn't far-fetched to say until you realize that they are doing all of this at home.

Not saying that he is necessarily wrong but those two things were both said WAY too early and without a lot of FACTs to back it up.

G$...Have you seen Jasean Tate play basketball? His "style of play" is exactly like Barkley. He's an undersized guy (6'4'') that is a beast on the offensive boards and scores 90% of his points around the rim. No...I don't think he's Barkley Dream Teamer good...but, for four years he's gonna be a 6'4'' wrecking ball down there.

The other comment was directed to those that had already thrown in the towel on this team even though it seems that their two best players are true freshmen. College basketball is a long season.

Before we call it a weekend, can I just say that I am sort hoping that the aforementioned Barkley is right about Josh Gordon? I mean, seriously, fuck Josh Gordon. YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I also didn't know Hitler but I'm quite certain that he was not a good samaritan. Nailed it.