Spielberg’s new horse porn looks hilarious

So Steven Spielberg has made a film about WWI, as told from the perspective of a horse (“We always said, filth was the real enemy. Mmm, oats!”), and the trailer (below) looks every bit as ridiculous as the synopsis:

DreamWorks Pictures’ “War Horse,” director Steven Spielberg’s epic adventure, is a tale of loyalty, hope and tenacity set against a sweeping canvas of rural England and Europe during the First World War. “War Horse” begins with the remarkable friendship between a horse named Joey and a young man called Albert, who tames and trains him. When they are forcefully parted, the film follows the extraordinary journey of the horse as he moves through the war, changing and inspiring the lives of all those he meets—British cavalry, German soldiers, and a French farmer and his granddaughter—before the story reaches its emotional climax in the heart of No Man’s Land.The First World War is experienced through the journey of this horse—an odyssey of joy and sorrow, passionate friendship and high adventure.

Now imagine that set to a preposterously epic John Williams score (the melodrama goes to eleven!), and you basically have the trailer.

“I ask you: what could be braver than that?”

HAHAHAHAHAHA! HE RUNS FAST WHEN YOU WHIP HIM! HE WALKS OFF CLIFFS WHEN HE’S SCARED OF LIGHTNING! TALK ABOUT COURAGE! Oh man. There isn’t a single frame of this that isn’t unintentional comedy at its finest. As for the idea of the heroic, majestic horse, I think Lindy said it best yesterday:

Speaking of segueing into talking about horses, my main beef with horses is how fragile they are. I’ve been watching a lot of Animal Cops: Houston lately, and what I’ve learned is that literally anything is a great reason to shoot a horse in the head. Oh, my horse fell down. It will never recover. Shoot it in the head. Oh, my horse is really hungry and it has a rash. Shoot it in the head. Oh, my horse got mud on it. Shoot it in the head. Great idea, humans-choose that fancy ladyboy animal made of spun sugar and cobwebs to do our strenuous physical labor. Horses. Jesus Christ. What a bullsh*t animal.

Indeed. As for Spielberg, I suppose we should’ve seen the warning signs with The Terminal, War of the Worlds, and Indiana Jones 4, but it seems he’s finally gone full retard. Which is to say, I plan on being there opening day for this one (This Christmas! Hoof it to theaters!), wearing my finest propeller beanie and clacking one of those hand-clap noisemakers together every time the horse is onscreen. YAY, WAR HORSE! STICK IT TO THE KAISER!

I am just gonna go ahead and imagine the hammy emotional dialog about the toil of war and horses.

-“If a man and a horse can get along… why can’t we?”

-“French, German, English… in the eyes of a horse we are all the same.”

-“Dammit, our boys are trapped in there. We need to send someone out there.”

“Sir, that’s no man’s land. They will be killed for sure.”

“That’s why we’re not sending a man. We’re sending a horse.”

By: Erswi

06.29.2011 @ 12:44 PM

War Horse! Uhhh. Good God y’all,
What is it good for?

It’s a Spielberg joint so I’d say at least a $30 mil opening weekend.

By: The Jersey Devil

06.29.2011 @ 12:44 PM

” . . . my main beef with horses is how fragile they are.”

My main beef with horses is that when you’re eating one, it’s just horse meat. Cows are steak or hamburger, pigs are bacon or pork, chickens get wings and drumsticks, but horses? Shoot one in the head and all ya got is horsemeat.

Lame.

*looks around wildly*

Wait, no, not lame, don’t shoot me!

By: Erswi

06.29.2011 @ 12:45 PM

Chino, I am disappoint. Aren’t you from Washington? There are at least 3 dozen horse f*cker jokes you could’ve gone with to open.

By: Ace Rimmer

06.29.2011 @ 12:45 PM

Oh, war whores, you’ve given us so much. Penicillin will take care of most of it, though.

By: Matt U.

06.29.2011 @ 12:47 PM

Nice shoes, asshole.

By: The Jersey Devil

06.29.2011 @ 12:48 PM

Emerald Downs Syndrome.

There ya go, Washington folks.

By: Ace Rimmer

06.29.2011 @ 12:50 PM

So Seabiscuit, Hidalgo, and the war horse walk into a bar.

Then they have to be put down.

By: Fek'lhr

06.29.2011 @ 12:51 PM

Catherine thinks this movie looks Great!

By: Vince Mancini

06.29.2011 @ 12:52 PM

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says, “why the long face?” Jessica Parker says, “Because I look like a horse. Also, I just found out I have cancer.”

By: Stallonewolf

06.29.2011 @ 12:52 PM

I’ve been sitting here for like five minutes with my dick tucked back trying to think of a decent “Goodbye Horses” joke.

By: Morton Salt

06.29.2011 @ 12:53 PM

I freely admit I only half watched that trailer, but it looks like he’s just doing Munich all over again.

By: Dingus

06.29.2011 @ 12:53 PM

You know, Ben Stiller was going to call Simple Jack “Happy Jack” but NAMBLA tried to sue him for Pete Townsend-infringement.

By: Fek'lhr

06.29.2011 @ 12:54 PM

Simple Jack? What, the polar opposite of the QT post?

By: Stu

06.29.2011 @ 12:54 PM

khal drogo would totally bang that horse.

By: Fek'lhr

06.29.2011 @ 12:55 PM

Daniel Radcliffe pointed his “magic wand” at this movie and cast “Flagello!”

By: Ace Rimmer

06.29.2011 @ 12:57 PM

A Farewell to Oats

By: flabbypancake

06.29.2011 @ 12:59 PM

shia labeouf was cast as the original lead, but he kept hooking up with the horse and was politely asked to leave.

By: Fek'lhr

06.29.2011 @ 1:00 PM

“War Hoarse” is how the Romulans sound after He skull fucks them into genocide! Wa’qa wa’qa wa’qa! *tosses Ferengi child in front of a bus*

By: Stinky Peet

06.29.2011 @ 1:01 PM

Epic foal.

By: The Incredible Tulk

06.29.2011 @ 1:03 PM

Dammit! I was totally going to make a “Sarah Jessica Parker cast as the horse” joke, but Vince beat me to it. Stupid eastern-time-zone-lunch-hour. Arrrrgh! Tulk smash!

By: Ace Rimmer

06.29.2011 @ 1:03 PM

Daniel Radcliffe lost the part when he forgot to untap the creature at the beginning of his turn.

By: The Jersey Devil

06.29.2011 @ 1:04 PM

” . . . the remarkable friendship between a horse named Joey and a young man called Albert . . . an odyssey of joy and sorrow, passionate friendship and high adventure.”

Hey Spielberg, they already made this movie, it’s called “Zoo.”

By: Ace Rimmer

06.29.2011 @ 1:04 PM

Corner? I hardly know ‘er.

By: AMC Story Notes

06.29.2011 @ 1:06 PM

“Beer for My Horses” (2003) peaked at #22 on the Billboard Hot 100. The film version starring Toby Keith made $650,000.

By: Patty Boots

06.29.2011 @ 1:07 PM

Horses are the worst. And people who love them are basically just crazy cat ladies with more money.

By: Leonard T. Pants

06.29.2011 @ 1:12 PM

About Lindy’s block quote, uh, SPOILER?

By: The Incredible Tulk

06.29.2011 @ 1:15 PM

@Patty: and more land. Or very cramped rooms.

By: Frank Gaffington

06.29.2011 @ 1:22 PM

This sounds a lot like the play, War Horse, which just won the tony for best play

All Quiet on the Equestrian Front
The Glue Soldier Švejk
A Very Long Face …ment

By: Ace Rimmer

06.29.2011 @ 1:25 PM

Yup, either they’re both adapted from the same book, or the film is adapted from the play adapted from the book, I farted and forgot.

*checks wikipoop*

Apparently it’s the latter.

By: Ax Anderson

06.29.2011 @ 1:28 PM

Ace, reading that wikipedia article just gave me a good chuckle

“The film was shot entirely in England — in Devon, at Stratfield Saye in Berkshire, at Wisley in Surrey, in Luton Hoo House, Bedfordshire and at Castle Combe in Wiltshire, using real horses rather than puppets”

Wikipedia, informing us that the horses in the multi-million dollar Steven Spielberg family film are not, in fact, puppets.

By: Ace Rimmer

06.29.2011 @ 1:33 PM

Which is sort of relevant, because the puppets (and the scenography in general) was a major reason the play was so successful and distinctive. So for the movie adaptation they’ve removed the one thing that really made the play stand out. Of course a movie using puppets and other stage props would have looked wicked retahded, which rather suggests that adapting the play for the screen in the first place wasn’t exactly the brightest idea ever.

By: Biggus Rickus

06.29.2011 @ 1:36 PM

German man: Var horse, you are changink zat soldier’s life.
War Horse: Nay, snort.

By: Ace Rimmer

06.29.2011 @ 1:44 PM

Haarse von Kriegspferd: Hov do I get out of zis harness?

By: giantcowofdoom

06.29.2011 @ 2:00 PM

@Ace, speaking of horse puppets, wasn’t the general concensus when the richard buton movie version of Equus came out that the movie using real horses completely undermined the content of the play’s script?

I’m not sure why I know so much about that movie. I guess it proves that old adage, “Build a movie about a dude having sex with horses, and the world will beat off at your doorstep.”

By: Sous Chef Gerard

06.29.2011 @ 2:24 PM

Needs more sweeping shots of soldiers bayoneting horses.

By: Junker23

06.29.2011 @ 2:47 PM

Speaking of Lindy’s guestbag (which was fantastic), I need to know if the Brendan who asked about the banana phone is Frotcast Brendan. If it’s not, I’m gonna go all Gregor Clegane on one of those horses.