Tag Archives: Spirit

My father was never much of a figure in my youth, which was a shame, but I had other folks to look to, for that sort of patriarchal motivation. A lot of what I’ve carried forward, and what I have fashioned in my own image, originated from the blueprint that they presented to me. The way that I dress, the way that I speak, it all comes from somewhere. Later on, I took a liking to reading and really examining situations connected to comfort and the lack thereof, in order to understand social cues. From there, I realized that I was a bit different. Reason being that I hadn’t encountered anyone that focused, so much, on the minutiae, the way that I did/do. It became apparent, to me, that I couldn’t follow any established blueprints to get where I felt I needed to go, and the folks that had inspired me were always supporting my journey. All of a sudden, indiscernible to even me, there was a shift. I began making exactly what I thought were the right moves, in order to attain my success. There were failures, but I was always on the right path. The issue was that there was a sort of inversion in my relationships with those close to me, that supported. They were always fans but they went from “The Standards” to “The Admirers”. Something seemingly made them think that they needed to accept their realities, instead of daring to continue to forge a path through the unknown. I became the inspiration. When I realized that this was the reality, I was surprised. I’ve never taken issue with this. I am honored to be able to be that, for any and everyone that enjoys it, but to these very specific people, it makes me uneasy. Because they have resigned to what their lives are. Which, in and of itself, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Not even close. There is just so much that they are capable of. It hurts me immensely when I have to stand there and listen to them tell me “Do you know how it feels to know that you’re settling?” I took a second to think about it and, yeah, I do know what the feels like. I’ve done it twice. That day, when that rhetorical question was posed to me, all I could ask was “Is that really how you feel?”, to which the answer was “I feel that way because that’s what I’m doing.”. In that moment, I realized 2 things: I need to help get them where they need to be and if I can’t do that, myself, I need to continue to be an example.

That specific situation put a lot of things in perspective, for me. It just explained a lot of things that I felt but couldn’t properly associate, in my mind. One of the things that I couldn’t quite place my finger on was an occurrence during a pretty big transitional period in my life, a little while ago, and I had been in a true funk. I was trying to figure out how this whole thing happened and why this kind of thing happens to me. I simply wasn’t being myself. It came to a head, one day, and they actually started to show anger for the way that I was being. Many things have happened to me, in my life but they, very seldom, have ever demonstrated any frustration about my sadness. This was different for some reason. It was as if they were saying “You have a chance to do great things now! There’s nothing holding you back, anymore! Do what you’re supposed to do, now!” In this instance, I am paraphrasing, but those words had actually been said to me, on a different occasion. It was like watching a movie with two characters attempting to escape a terrible situation but one of them knows that only one can make it. So that one decides to do all he/she can to give the other the chance. I feel that I am the one that was fated to escape. I want to save them, though. And I believe that I can save them. Save them from simply allowing things to be, and going after that elusive success that comes only when a person puts themselves on the line. For them to have been an inspiration, to me, and for me to simply leave them behind while they struggle with what they should do, would be a sign that I didn’t truly value what had been given to me, regardless of if they had been aware that they had been giving it, or not. I am a leader, now. Responsibilities rest upon my shoulders and I have always been brave enough to carry them. The difference is that I have grown into the man that can actually carry them, now.

I am a mixture of emotions, below the surface of a stoic exterior… I could easily throw these individual feelings into categories that are all too familiar to us, but I believe that they deserve more respect than a mere assumption. My soul percolates, in search of what it all means, to me. “What are these feelings that I feel? They can’t all be the same 4 or 5 that I always hear about”. The complexity of that search is so enjoyable. It’s also one that requires time and patience, the latter of which I am trying to further cultivate. I liken the search, through the prism of my emotions, to the photography that I have been interested in, for years, by a man named Alan Jaras. Alan developed the technique of Lensless Photography using light, a camera body and a refractive object to form ‘Refractographs’ directly on to film. It’s his explanation of that technique that has my attention:

“I have always been fascinated in visualising the invisible. After a long career in industrial scientific research using optical and electron microscopy to image the microscopic world I now explore the strange and wonderful world of the refraction patterns of light. Working with glass, plastics and resins I capture these unique patterns formed by a single static beam of light after it passes through the complex transparent objects that I create.”

It sounds scientific and, undoubtedly, it is but there’s something beautiful in the way that he describes the light and the result of it, passing through the object that he creates. “Vizualizing the invisible”…Man, what a concept. I look inward, at the images that circulate through my subconscious, and I see layers. Layers of my mind and the different things that I can possibly be feeling. My thoughts are certainly less scientific than what Mr. Jaras explained but I want to understand the invisible, rather than “visualizing” it. Learning about those intricacies is such an adventure. The possibilities are endless and the results can, and will, affect your whole world. I am a mixture of emotions, below the surface of a stoic exterior…

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Believe it or not, this is going to be my first post of the year. Now, I have been writing in my book, which I carry around with me everywhere and document thoughts in, on a daily basis, but for some reason I have been having a kind of mental block when it comes to this thing. As a result, I just don’t write, because I don’t believe in posting things with a lack of substance. Also, I have been dealing with a sort of dueling thought process. On one side, I don’t want to talk about myself at all. I want to keep my life completely private and have no one know anything about me. I want to be utterly anonymous. In my mind, it can be done. But on the same note, I have grown so much in the past three years and want to take you along for the ride. I went from not being able to trust my own decision making to executing exactly what I have in my mind, in the exact way that I see it. I believe now. I have been dealing with those two processes of thought since I started writing and shooting clips for this website. I cannot say that either thought has grown more than the other, though. I think that they have both kept pace with each other. I went from posting something every so often to writing in my book every single day and it has helped me change a lot. But I have to keep going with the site. Francois Toulour has simply evolved but I still want you to come along with me and share in the evolution. I have always thought of this as a way for me to connect to the people that I have not been able to see, touch, talk to, etc… I care about everyone. I don’t mind that some find that pointless or useless. For better or for worse, I want to bare it to you because, at the end of the day, I am going through the same things that you are. Maybe not at the same time but how different are you from me?

“I care about everyone. I don’t mind that some find that pointless or useless.”

I will say this: I have heard, for a long time, that I have “something”. That I am “weird” but in a good way. I hated that shit for a long time. I didn’t want to be any of that. Because I couldn’t find the like-minded individuals that were similar to that. I identify with a small portion of a lot of people but never enough to feel comfortable. I used to want to be a part of a group. Like a group of close friends. For a while, I thought I was a part of something like that, but after a bit of self-reflection I have realized that I probably never did. Even when I actually had a group of dudes that I hung out with on the regular. Even when I was in grade school and everyone knew who I was. Everything always felt just a tad bit off. So after the breakup, I decided that instead of killing myself, which I have briefly debated due to a very deep depression, I would learn to be alone and understand who I actually am. Once I got the strength to do so, I started seeing traits that I never really knew that I had. The other traits that I had been aware of, blossomed into different things altogether. I am still in the embryonic stages of learning about myself. I think that it will be a project that will last a lifetime. In this life and the next. But I love it. I love it partly because I get to show you. And maybe, by me expressing myself, you may take something and implement it in your own life Or maybe it may spark a thought that you probably would not have had, otherwise. That’s really all that I want. To contribute in that way.

I am now accepting of the accolades that have been given to me and I am going to do something that I have never done consistently; I am going to channel my spirit into specific parts of my life that I haven’t ever tried to focus on. I’ll let you know what happens, for better or for worse.