6 Extremely Painful Truths About Childbirth

There are a lot of things-people-didn’t-tell-you articles out there pertaining to truths about pregnancy, labor, motherhood, and everything in between. They can be lifesavers as we all maneuver through those experiences, armed with knowledge we did not have before. I noticed, however, there were a few hidden gems missing, and, since I am a giver, I wanted to bring these to your attention. You are welcome.

1. The Baby May Come Out Your Ass: Fine, I don’t believe this has actually happened. However, I wish someone had mentioned that the baby may feel like it is going to come out of your ass during labor. There is so much pressure in your nether region that it is difficult to decipher where the pain is coming from. And since these holes are next door neighbors, it can be confusing. I remember thinking: Holy shit, I will go down in history as the first person to have a baby out of her anus. I would love to be famous, but I really reaaallllly do not want this to be my first appearance on the Today Show.

2. Your Post-Birth Vagina (Part One): It would have been helpful to know that your hot pocket can increase to 4 times its original size and turn 50 Shades of Purple days after birth. I remember my mom helping me into the shower 36 hours post-delivery. It went a little something like this:

We peel the hospital gown off; her eyes dart immediately to my vagina and she gasps.

Me: What?

Her: ohmyGod

Me: What, what!!!!

Her: ohmyGooooood

Me: (Trying desperately to move my distended belly to one side to see what all the fuss is about)

Her: …..

Me: ohmyGod Me:

Her: ohmyGod

Me: ohmyfuckingGodwhatthefuck

Her: Should I get the Doctor? I don’t remember this being a problem when you were born.

Me: That’s super helpful.

Her: …..

Me: ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod

I could go on, but you get the drift. Apparently if a body part goes through this amount of trauma, swelling and discoloration are common. If you think having a C-section will prevent you from having this lovely experience, you would be wrong.

3. Levels of Tearing: I like to think that inquisitiveness is a positive trait. I needed to immediately understand where I landed on the post-vaginal-birth tearing scale. My daughter was over 8 pounds ,and her birth was less than pleasant. I was making small talk with my OB as she stitched me up and said, “Give it to me Doc, how bad is it down there?” Not looking up, she said, “It’s a 4.” A 4, super, I can work with a 4! I should have left it at that, but, in addition to being inquisitive, I am also very competitive. “Soooo, a 4 out of what, 10, isn’t too bad, right?” Nothing. “Oh NO, is it a 4 out of 5?” That’s gonna leave a mark. Well ladies, there are only FOUR stages total. FOUR. Tell yourself you scored a one and move on.

4. Your Post-Birth Vagina (Part Two): If you had a vaginal birth, do not — I repeat, DO NOT — purchase a handheld mirror. It may be tempting to see what that Level 4 tear looks like, but I wouldn’t recommend it. If you need a visual, picture the most gruesome war scene from Saving Private Ryan. Go fuck yourself Ryan, someone needs to save my privates.

5. Nipples Are Circular Sprinklers: When your milk comes in, it is released through multiple tiny holes in your nipple region. I thought it came out in one straight shot through the center. A milk bullet if you will. Perhaps I am the only woman on Earth who is this stupid. If not, and this article can help just one woman out there …

That’s a lie, I don’t really care about you, I just want to know I’m not the only person who believed this.

6. Vaginas Age: As with most body parts, you may experience ‘vag sag’ with age. This is especially true if you’ve had children. A friend of mine asked her gynecologist at her last annual why her vagina looks different that her 12-year-old daughter’s. She said it took her doctor 10 minutes to stop laughing. You know the saying “loose lips sink ships”? Get a group of moms in their 40s together and we could sink the Titanic.

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