This month has been like a jungle gym of destruction and desperation on Craigslist. You guys know the drill: Get a cocktail and enjoy other people’s downward spiral.

You used to beat me up – w4w – 32 (Dallas)
I tried loving you, but I lost my front teeth doing it. The day you broke my arm on the kitchen counter, you told me you loved me. I had your baby, and you refused to talk to me for six months. I made your dinner. You, in turn, ruptured my left ear drum. When the cops came to our house to arrest you for drug dealing, I tried to hold them off while you escaped. That tazer freaking hurt. I made you dinner last night, but you stayed at some other woman’s house. I’m sorry, and love you more than life. Please come back to me.

Oh. my. gawd. This was my first venture into the lesbian Missed Connections and this is what I find?! This is like the most desperate ad I have ever read. How hard did your mother drop you on your head? Seriously. And who the hell are you dating- Ike Turner?? After reading this, I actually want to hit you too. Grow a pair. Kick her ass. Move on with your pathetic life. And as Dustin Pot Pie would say: Off the furniture!

You have got to be kidding. It was a store that caters to the straightest hobby in the world. He had a fish hook on his hat?! He sounds straight. And possibly Republican.

Trash truck driver – m4m (75 Central North)
You were hot trash truck driver going north on 75 last week, I was in SUV next to you, you caught me strokin and couldn’t stop watching, I gave you a show but had to get to work. Let me know when I can take a ride in your truck with you.

I hate you. First of all, you can’t just go around stroking in your car. It’s illegal. He was probably staring because he was in shock. And you can’t ride in the trash truck as a passenger. You belong with the trash in the back.

TapeLenders Tuesday – m4m – 30 (Cedar Springs)
I came in around 3:30 Tuesday afternoon, and you were behind the counter. You are totally hot, and I’d love to get together. Hope you remember who this is – tell me the one item I purchased.

I really don’t understand these posts. If you know where he works, it’s not a Missed Connection– you’re just lazy. The one item you purchased was shame. Use it. In the mean time, because I’m feeling charitable (and mainly just want to see the look on his face), I’m going to go ahead and forward this to my friend. He’s the cashier at TapeLenders.

Suicide Watch – m4m – 24 (North Dallas)
You were sitting next to me and we were talking for a while. You had mentioned how it was better this way because you felt safer than being surrounded by who knows what kind of people. And being gay doesn’t help much. I know how much anxiety can weigh us down, and I’m grateful that you were there that last hour to make me feel a bit more comfortable. I felt kinda bad when I had to leave you by yourself after they called me away. It’s such an awkward place to make new friends, which is why I didn’t try and get more out of you at the time, but if you see this, then who knows?

There aren’t enough suicide jokes in the world. This is a fail even by Romeo and Juliet’s standards.

I was watching you cute thang – m4m (Downtown Dallas)
I was watching you from my office. mine was the one you were looking at on the 42nd floor. you were on the street i was watching you though my telescope. When you looked up at the building our eyes met and i felt a real connection. I would like to meet you and see where things go. You were squinting when you looked up at me so i know you could see me. I liked how the sunlight brightened your face. what color belt was i wearing so i know it is you.

This is creepier than an old, abandoned bridge in a Nancy Drew book. Who sits in their office and watches people with a telescope?? If he looked up and squinted, he was probably trying to determine what the hell you were doing. Trust me, there was not a connection.

Truth is stranger than fiction. The people on Craigslist are even stranger. What really terrifies me is that these people are all out there somewhere. We pass by them all the time and don’t even know it. And no, that’s not a Missed Connection.