3 Ways to Regulate Your Emotions

Reappraisal, suppression, and acceptance

We do a lot with our emotions, other than just feel them. John Milton wrote of the kingly merits of “reigning” over them. Oscar Wilde’s Dorian Gray wished to “use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them,” while Vincent van Gogh spoke of “obeying” them like they were the captains of our lives.

Indeed, as if the sheer experience of emotions wasn't enough — the crushing weight of sadness, the maddening of anger, the solace of serenity, and the grace of gratitude — we tend to spend a lot of resources on the pre- and post-production of our emotional storylines.

Source: Marianna Pogosyan

We pick our favorites (joy), and seek all chances of running into them. And we have our foes, penciled in ominous red (fear), to be avoided at all costs. And when these foes inevitably show up at our doors, we do everything to turn them away. We resist them. We deny them. We fight them. We reason with them. We redirect and reshape them. But they loiter and linger, watching us labor with their aftermaths until, suddenly, they tip their hats to their ill-mannered hosts and leave.

Emotion regulation — the processes by which individuals influence their emotions — has been the subject of a wealth of psychological research. These processes may be automatic and without our awareness (closing our eyes while watching scary movies), or they can require our conscious efforts (forcing a smile before a talk, despite feeling nervous). While there is a myriad of methods we regularly employ to manage our emotions, researchers have identified a few defining features of emotion regulation. These include having a goal (for example, watching an uplifting comedy to alleviate sadness), as well as influencing the dynamics and trajectory of an emotion (for example, lessening the intensity of worry by distraction).

Source: Marianna Pogosyan

Although it may sometimes feel like they strike us out of the blue, emotions unfold over time. According to the process model of emotion regulation, we can interfere with emotional processes at different points during the emotion generation timeline using different strategies. For instance, before the emotional reaction is activated, we can target the selection and modification of the situation (for example, avoiding dreaded situations), our attention to the situation (for example, looking somewhere else), and the way we frame its meaning (for example, downplaying negative events). Once the emotion is on its way, we can alter our behavioral or physiological response to it (for example, smiling when feeling fearful).

Not all strategies are equally adaptive at regulating our emotions. In a recent interview, Iris Mauss, one of the leading researchers on emotion regulation, explained two of the most widely studied strategies — reappraisal and suppression — and their consequences for our well-being:

Reappraisal is cognitive in nature, which means that it involves how people think about and reframe emotional situations. It’s considered to be a positive type of emotion regulation, because it is flexible and because it transforms the whole emotion, rather than just one piece of it. Reappraisal is associated with lower levels of depression and greater levels of well-being.

Suppression, in contrast, is basically still experiencing the emotion, but inhibiting its behavioral expressions. It is considered to be a more negative type of emotion regulation. One reason is that the experience part of the emotion still persists. Another reason is more transactional in nature. It creates an asymmetry between how a person feels and what other people see, and that’s thought to be related to negative social processes.

Source: Marianna Pogosyan

Research has shown that people who use reappraisal strategies are able to reframe stressful situations by reinterpreting the meaning of negative emotional stimuli. They deal with challenging situations by taking a proactive role in restoring their moods and in adopting more positive attitudes. These efforts are often rewarded with more positive and less negative emotions, as well as resilience, better social ties, greater self-esteem, and general life satisfaction.

Suppression, on the other hand, only affects the behavioral response of emotions, and does little to reduce their actual experience. It’s thought to be cognitively and socially costly — it takes continuous effort to control and suppress emotions — and can create feelings of inauthenticity. Studies have shown that people who used suppression were less able to repair their negative moods, despite “masking” their inner feelings. They experienced fewer positive emotions and more negative emotions, and had less life satisfaction and less self-esteem.

Source: Marianna Pogosyan

So how can we train our skills of effectively regulating our emotions? According to Mauss, emotion regulation is not as simple as learning a few tricks on reframing our circumstances. Various factors, including culture, can render different strategies adaptive or maladaptive. Emotion regulation also depends on the intuitive beliefs and mindsets people hold about their emotions. Do you think you have control over your emotions? If "yes," then you are more likely to use reappraisal strategies than if your answer is "no." Thus, as Mauss posits, training emotion regulation in more adaptive ways may involve “altering people’s mindsets and beliefs about their emotions.”

There is another form of emotion regulation (“a third axis”) that Mauss and her team have been exploring, which may help us see emotion regulation in the light of thousand-year-old traditions — acceptance.

Emotional acceptance is a stance of perceiving that one is emotional, but deciding not to do anything about it, i.e., not to alter the emotion. Somewhat paradoxically, emotional acceptance is related to decreased negative emotions, as well as resilience. Thus, the absence of emotion regulation can sometimes have the best emotion regulatory function. For example, people who accept their negative emotions when they are stressed out experience less negative emotions than people who don't accept their emotions. It’s one of the core processes of mindfulness, which involves a number of different psychological processes. One of them is awareness of your emotional and psychological states, and the other one is non-reactance or acceptance, which could also be thought of as the absence of emotion regulation. That might seem contradictory at first glance, but perhaps it’s the combination of both that you really want: a stance of emotional acceptance — acknowledging your emotions and not being threatened by them — and the knowledge that you can, if you want to, cognitively transform them.

Source: Marianna Pogosyan

Wisdom is said to be the “harmony of reason and the passions.” In our search for this harmony, we go about our days feeling our emotions as much as trying to regulate them. What if we anchored our emotional experiences in the conviction that we have at our disposal the means to alter them? What if, instead of cherishing our favorite visitors and turning away the others, we could “welcome them all and ... treat each guest honorably,” as Rumi wrote centuries ago? Even the unwanted ones, with the ominous red letters. After all, while all guests, good or bad, come and go with each sundown, the duration and outcome of their visits may in part depend on our wisdom: how much we accept our passions, and how well we know our reason.

Source: Marianna Pogosyan

Many thanks to Iris Mauss for her time and insights. Dr. Mauss is an associate professor at the University of California Berkeley and the director of Berkeley’s Emotion and Emotion Regulation Lab.

"... a stance of emotional acceptance - acknowledging your emotions and not being threatened by them - and the knowledge that you can, if you want to, cognitively transform them."

I'm not understanding how acceptance gives you the knowledge that you can cognitively transform your emotions. Based on the description in the article it seems that acceptance is the refusal to even attempt to change your emotions. Could someone elaborate on this idea?

Really, I wish to accept everyone at my door but then after while the stay can be long, as also myself. I like the Vygotsky scaffolding theory, assisting and supporting others until they can make it on their own. But, unfortunately even this can be draining based on the dependency involved, eventually no matter in order to at least move forward it becomes needed to close the door at least temporarily until you have regained your inner strength to deal with own issues and that of others.

So you regulate your emotions by not regulating them? No, you just distance yourself from them, watch them from afar as if they are not yours. But how does this play out in the long term? Suppose you need to react normally to a stressor and you've studiously practiced not reacting, what happens then? Oh we don't talk about that. Once you've become dead inside it, or completely deluded, it doesn't seem to matter.

I think Snark's it differs with the situation, for victims of different past abuses it becomes a real fear to trust someone again. But if you exclude everyone from your life, it also includes the good people who can assist you along the way. I like to think of this also in the scenario of public speaking, someone suggested thinking everyone as naked maybe helpful but for some people like myself I'll probably end up laughing, so I formulate my thought process differently. I imagine that there are alot of distractors in the audience and it helps me organize and structure my delivery in such a way that when I do get distractions it's not as my fears, which sometimes tend to be the worst possible scenarios. By pre-imagining the event beforehand, it enables me to have less of an anxiety issue, maybe in a way it can be distancing yourself from the emotion. Or maybe there is another term for this but to me it's the same. Other situations that are life-threatening obviously one would need to react immediately based upon survival need. Allowing your fear of a threat for instance get you into motion, but what about those people who for some reason cannot react swiftly. Then certainly by creating distance from the pain they may find the means to see a different angle/s. For sometimes feeling too many intense emotions may lead to destructive type behaviours. I'm not sure if my response will help in anyway but just putting my thoughts out there.

In my opinion, I think the situation we can apply being passive about these certain emotions is when they come out of the blue without a direct stimuli. For example, suddenly feeling a strong sadness while doing the laundry. I might be wrong but that's how I try to do it.

I live with PTSD-informed, non dual-diagnosis bipolar-1 disorder, with a side of ADHD, none of which was discovered until I was entering my 40s. I was already a multiple rape/sexual assault & domestic violence survivor. With the help of the DV & mental health providers whose services I was blessed to access, I wouldn't have already learned many of the techniques I use daily to function today, especially in the face of constantly being triggered by 45 & Congress for the past 9½ months. My TV hasn't been connected in almost 5 years; I can't bear even hearing that voice on the radio, & I carefully choose the news links I follow on fb...because, unfortunately, I'm one of those disabled/mentally ill "deadbeats" who is at the curb once again, praying I & millions of others won't get thrown under the bus for real when the Senate votes on the budget. However, I'm preparing myself as best I can: I spent 4 years paying off $24K of debt on a 15K income, & am paying off the loan I had to take out to replace my car's transmission at double the rate, in hopes of completing payments before the axe falls, as I plan to live in my car if need be. I've been working on this awhile, even though many said it was catastrophic thinking, because I'm too old to be living in a damn tent in the months of winter rain & snow that I'd have to pack up every few weeks for police sweeps. I plan to sell off what I can, & put what's left worth saving in my storage. I've even worked out how I will organize my car. I would *love* to ignore what's going on, but I cannot. I do my best to re-frame my thinking, but it's a daily challenge when so many triggers come along, usually multiple ones each day. I'm very grateful for what I have & the progress I've made (& have been actively practicing that gratitude for 25 years). I've been a community volunteer since 1970 at the age of 12, by now having accumulated more than 20K hours & counting. I feel that I'm doing very well considering...but these days, a lot of what keeps me going is deep anger & pure stubbornness.

When I read your post felt a geninue deep concern for you Nia. And the resulting deep anger and pure stubborness? This is a result of not bringing those offenders of such actions to justice, maybe? Personally, I have been threatned and abused by close relatives and find myself trying to create a distance from them and live my own live. BUT, it goes to show how sick some individuals are in this world, for anytime they meet with me it's enjoyable to become intimidating. It's what give them power (or so it seems in their twisted heads). All I can say, drawing from my minorly comparative experiences that amongst the best things one can do when not being able to bring offenders to justice are the following:
1. Keep nourishing your heart and soul (meditation, prayer, creating good relationships, being thankful, reading relevant material related to this quest)
2. Fuel negative energy and emotions in some form of physical and productive activity.
3. Write about your experiences (different forums posts, articles).
4. Find a support group for women abused. (online and offline, real world friendships and care is vital)
5. Distance yourself from abusers, until justice (if possible) can be provided.
6. Accept that every action has a consequent responding reaction. It's evident to myself, those who have hurt me they will get hurt as well and I know the same is a truth for others I have spoken too.
7. Finally this may mean little from some online random person but it's really all that I can offer : I love you and deeply wish the best progress, healing and justice possible in your life.