Starbucks released their new “blonde roast” coffee in stores today (or as Eater called it, “a weaker coffee for a nation of,” well, a bad word), and it actually tastes fine. We tasted (“cupped,” for the geeks out there) the Veranda variety of the blonde roast in the walk to the baggage claim at O’Hare this afternoon, the better to imitate the harried taste buds of Starbucks drinkers nationwide. Being blogger-pale towheads, we got smirked at by the greenapron as we ordered, but bravely persevered with our order, to share the truth about the new coffee with the world.

The blonde roast delivers on its lighter image, backing off from the “mouthful of pine cinders” taste of the traditional Starby’s brew, and actually managed to sneak in a nice caramel-y sweetness under the slight acidity. So, mission accomplished, as far as image and flavor go.

The problem, though, is that Starbucks seems to be inventing a whole new language for coffee, ignoring the standard practices and nomenclature of the whole roasting world. So while in Starbucks-land, “blonde” translates to “lighter in flavor than dark,” normal-world blonde roasts are a whole other beast, extremely lightly roasted to let a different, natural flavor of coffee beans shine. Oliver Strand’s October article in the Times on super-light-roast coffee in Oslo gives a good idea of what a real blonde roast might taste like:

“The coffees are so juicelike that I had to realign my frame of reference, abandon a few prejudices. At first it’s disorienting–the coffee isn’t like any other coffee. Then it’s exciting–the coffee isn’t like any other coffee.

Rather, the finest coffees stand out. If a dark roast cloaks a bean’s flaws, a lighter roast leaves it naked: good coffees are strikingly good, mediocre coffees are powerfully mediocre, and great coffees are epic.”

Starbucks’ blonde coffee, by contrast, was described by its roasters as being cooked to the “second crack” of the roasting process. Home roasting geeks ruefully joked about this on their forums, with one renaming his darkest variety, roasted to its second crack, in honor of the “blonde” blend. The new Starbucks brew may taste just fine, but don’t be fooled into thinking you’re drinking the real deal. –Sam Dean