Can Mr. Divorced be Mr. Right?

How do I know if the divorced man I'm dating is marriage material?

I’m in my thirties and am looking for a serious relationship. I’ve been dating men in their thirties and forties, many of whom are divorced. How can you tell if a man who has been divorced is ready to move on and is also looking for a serious relationship? Is it a bad sign if they will not discuss why the marriage didn't work out? What’s important for me to know when pursuing a relationship with a man who has been divorced?

Thanks,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

From a Jewish perspective, the purpose of dating is to evaluate whether or not a person is an appropriate life partner. From this vantage point, no one should really be dating if they’re not looking for a serious relationship. The same goes when dating divorced men.

Before you examine the issues surrounding dating a divorced man, it’s important for you to be clear about why you’re dating. If you are seeking marriage partner, then you should only be dating men who are also looking to get married. This applies whether the man you might go out with has been married before or not. If you want to get married, you need to make sure that you’re both on the same page before you agree to that first date.

The fact that he is divorced is irrelevant. Focus on your goal and stick to it.

The fact that he is divorced is irrelevant. Focus on your goal and stick to it. Don’t let the previous marital status of a potential suitor cloud your judgment. And don’t shy away from being direct about the fact that you are dating for marriage. Use your personality strengths to make your point. If you’re funny, say it a funny way. You won’t scare away the right guy by being up front and honest.

Assuming that you’re both marriage-minded, let’s focus on the most important things to consider when you are evaluating whether or not someone is the right one for you.

One, are you genuinely attracted to this person? The fact that you are willing to date men who have been divorced is great. It means that you are open-minded and flexible. That being said, you do need to be attracted to someone in order for the relationship to ultimately work out. So make sure that you are before getting caught up in any of the other stuff.

Secondly, you need to respect the person you are dating. It’s hard to get full insight into another’s character on a first date, but there are some signs you can look out for. If you go to a restaurant, does he encourage you to order anything on the menu or does he make you feel materialistic for ordering a Coke instead of sticking with tap water to go with your side salad entree? How does he treat the waiter? Does he tip appropriately or theatrically complain about the slow service? If you get lost on the way home, is he willing to stop and ask for directions without getting angry at the suggestion?

How someone treats others is a strong indicator of how that person will treat you. Make it a priority to spend time with people in his life. Is he comfortable with having you meet his friends? His family?

Three, do you and your potential partner share common life goals? Are you both in agreement with respect to how religion plays a part in your life? Do you both want children? Are you willing to relocate if one person’s job demands it? If the guy is serious about his objective to get married, he shouldn’t get hives just from talking about the big issues. If he can’t, move on, whether he’s been married before or not.

Communication is the key to any successful relationship. You both need to lay all of your cards on the table before you agree to play the game. For example, does he have children from a previous marriage? If he does, how do you feel about that? You need to be honest with yourself about what you want from a life partner and be able to communicate this clearly. If you don’t see eye to eye on what you want from a relationship, don’t waste time and emotion.

There may be a variety of reasons as to why a man might not want to discuss why his marriage did not work out. Not all of these are red flags. He may be hiding something but it’s also possible that he is a great guy who simply does not want to speak disparagingly about his ex-wife. The key is to focus on the reason behind why he doesn’t want to go into details, not on the details themselves.

Keep the conversation about you and him, not about his ex-wife.

Keep the conversation about you and him, not about his ex-wife. If he got divorced because he was pressured by his family to marry someone he wasn’t really attracted to, he won’t likely make that mistake again. If he feels that his character traits did not mesh well with his prior spouse, he has hopefully learned from this experience as well.

Carefully evaluate his reaction to your desire to have a conversation about his divorce, and the subject of marriage in general. If someone is truly ready to move on, he will have some objectivity about his former situation and be willing to express his feelings about what happened. It’s a plus if he has worked on himself via professional counseling and used that experience as a tool for personal growth. If he gets defensive or avoids the discussion altogether, then that’s a red flag.

The lack of common life goals is a common reason so many marriages fail. People get caught up in the Hollywood version of marriage and don’t bother to discuss what they want from marriage in the first place. You both may be two great people, just wrong for each other. You can’t evaluate it if you don’t really know what’s truly important to you and where you are really headed in life.

Focus on attraction, character traits and common life goals and make sure you communicate honestly and openly before you even meet him for coffee. Tell him that these things are important to you and that you want to be sure you share the same perspective on life before embarking upon a relationship.

Know why you are dating and confirm that you are both dating for the same reason. These rules apply regardless of the prior marital status of the person you are dating. Anyone can make an error in judgment in a relationship. Your job is to do your homework and make your priorities clear before you go on that first date. The goal is to walk down the aisle with Mr. Right instead of wasting valuable time with Mr. Right Now.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Penina Jacobs is a wife, mother and educator. She has a B.A. in Acting/Directing, teacher certification in English and Drama and an M.A. in Educational Theatre from New York University. Penina is also the proprietor of an eBay store, Little Miss Modest, that specializes in new and gently used designer children's clothing. She has lectured on various topics at Aish HaTorah New York and lives in Passaic, NJ with her husband and children.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 10

(9)
Anonymous,
March 4, 2011 9:22 PM

dating with intention for marriage

is it not true that a man will say anything you want to hear.. therefore it might be best not to discuss that you are looking for marriage & potentially it will come up in a conversation at some point indirectly. I have been dating an older man ( i am in my 50's ) He is 73. Not attractive, physically overweight.. health issues.. except Iike him.. he has now said let us get to know one another better.. so we saw each other 2 x this week.. when he drops me off.. calls tells me he misses me already... the next date before we were to meet he told me he had a meeting to go to.. I had no problem with that. I decided to check his online profile again to see what his likes & dislikes were. To my surprise he had logged on 20 minutes beforehand, when he was supposed to be in a meeting..when he picks me up I asked how his meeting went.. he said they cancelled. We are not in a monogomous relationship but to me if he is looking for women online just before our date is not a good sign. Please advise

(8)
Anonymous,
March 2, 2011 5:42 AM

agree more with the previous commenters than the article

My husband was married previous to our own marriage. We have been married for many wonderful years so far, but his previous history is very relevant. A man like my husband who accepts that he made mistakes in his first marriage (AKA doesn't blame his ex for everything or trash talk her), had counseling and did reading about a proper Jewish marriage, can find that it was a learning experience and actually be a superior husband to many men who don't have a divorce in their pasts. Also, he had granted the Get quickly, which I thought was a sign of compassion, and this was confirmed by my own investigation.
A man who blames his ex for everything; who doesn't see that he needs to change; who uses a Get, the kids, or other divorce proceedings to punish his ex; who has not done counselling, reading, etc. since the break up or who was unwilling to try to salvage the marriage through counselling is sending a strong message to the women dating him: "I am not ready to be a good husband. I'm not willing to take responsibility for my actions. I'm not willing to work hard to make a successful marriage."
You should also verify through his rabbi or other similar source that abuse, addiction, etc. was not a cause for the dissolution of the previous marriage. No man is perfect (hey, no woman is either!), but you can't put yourself into in impossible situation from the get-go.

(7)
Anonymous,
February 28, 2011 8:08 AM

Wonderful

Just a mention to the author - that enjoyed reading your wonderfully poised and balanced - equally respectful opinion. It was a pleasure. - Thanks

(6)
Anonymous,
February 27, 2011 9:47 PM

My husband was divorced prior to our marriage. I never pressured him to “divulge” his history –I could tell from when I met him that he is a trust-worthy persona and I figured that I would learn the relevant information about his divorce at the right time. I admired greatly that he never bad-mouthed his ex-wife. On our first date, he made it clear that he has a great relationship with his daughter and the person that he marries should not see that as a threat but should welcome it – and, in fact, I do. I followed my rov’s advice about ascertaining (minimal) information about the get that he gave. I feel bad that my husband, his ex-wife and my step-daughter had a difficult experience in the past. However, I feel that I personally benefit from my husband having been married previously – he came into our marriage with a certain kind of preparation that can only be gained from experience.

Qen,
June 7, 2015 1:30 PM

not sure whether Mrs Anonymous can see this comment or not, but if it's possible, I would like to hear your experience about 'ex-wife' issue. How to behave properly but not threaten the trust between you and the divorced partners.

Besides, about ' he has a great relationship with his daughter and the person that he marries should not see that as a threat but should welcome it ' ... I do respect and accept this fact that my divorced bf has the responsibility toward his little girl, but what if kid just cannot accept father's new partner ? (No matter it's because of what kid's mother told or because of kid's being afraid at losing her father's attention).

if you want, please feel free to reply me through the email.

Thanks very much.Qen

(5)
Miriam,
February 27, 2011 9:02 PM

answer not thorough enough

Saying divorce is irrelevant is completely untrue. But references before dating is the way to make a sanity check. After the dating starts, it isn't fair to expect him to bare his soul too early on about "what happened." I agree with #1 that after a point it's the unmarried 40-plus men who are less likely to be real marriage material, which may be why the writer calls divorce "irrelevant."

(4)
Anonymous,
February 27, 2011 4:26 PM

Don't rush to ask him why his mariage failed

Don't ask a divorced man on the first date why he is divorced. Wait at least a couple of weeks. He will appreciate it and be more willing to talk about it.

(3)
,
February 27, 2011 3:44 PM

Did he give his ex-wife her Get?

Trust but verify, to quote a former President.

(2)
Anonymous,
February 27, 2011 12:25 PM

Disagree!!!

I have been happily married to the love of my life for almost 35 years, since the age of 20, to a divorced man who is nearly a decade older than myself. My husband was very open as to why his first marriage did not work out, and was not shy about talking about his own failures and how committed he was to not repeating those mistakes. He succeeded, and is a wonderful husband, father and grandfather!
So - it CAN work!, and most happily so!
That said, there are so many disturbing reasons that people divorce, it is very important to find out what factors led to the breakup. Infidelity, dishonesty in business, substance abuse, spouse abuse, and mental illness are all factors that are easily hidden from the public eye. The fact that he is divorced is NOT irrelevant! The details ARE relevant, because even if there was a "good" reason for the divorce,it is up to the future spouse to determine how much she can handle. In almost every divorce situation, whether to a lesser or greater degree, a marriage is a two-way street; rarely is only one party 100% at fault except in extreme cases (as mentioned above). A divorce does NOT mean a person is "second rate"; a divorced person can make a wonderful spouse in a subsequent marriage. Of course a divorced person should not be discounted - but the fact of their divorce and the reasons for it should not be trivialized, either.

(1)
Bobby5000,
February 27, 2011 11:40 AM

Divorced versus Never Married

You have some tough choices because men who have never been married can present challenges too. the 40/45 year old man who has been single his entire life may not have the flexibility needed to make a marriage work.
I would evaluate each person individually and consider the reasons for the divorce. Note the obviouis that our religion permits divorce and remarriage. I married a woman who was divorced with children and am very happy with the choice and we are celebrating ouir 25th anniversary.

I’ve been dating a young woman for the past two years and we are starting to think about marriage. The problem is that she is not Jewish. I would want her to convert, but in a way where there would be no doubt about its validity, so that we and our kids don’t have problems later on. How do you recommend that I proceed?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I appreciate your desire to do the right thing and proceed in an authentic way.

The process of conversion is challenging and involves a process of a year or two. This benefits the person converting, to ensure he fully appreciates the responsibilities he is taking on.

According to the Code of Jewish Law (Shulchan Aruch), a valid conversion replicates the experience at Mount Sinai of 3,300 years ago, when the Jewish nation accepted the Torah. For your friend to convert, she must:

believe that Judaism is the true religion, not just accept it by default

study what it says in the Torah

commit to observe all the Torah's commandments

Further, a conversion must be motivated for the sincere purpose of getting close to God and His Torah, not for ulterior motives. Thus, your friend would have to embrace Judaism and the Torah for its own sake, not in order to marry you. She should have the exact same desire to convert even with you entirely out of the picture.

If your friend studies Judaism and feels it is right for her, she would then approach an Orthodox conversion court and explain her situation. The court would then decide if it feels she is a sincere candidate for conversion. If yes, she would begin the lengthy process of studying and practicing to become a true convert.

Of course, to have a successful relationship, you will also need a high level of appreciation and commitment to Judaism. Perhaps you could begin your own study program to discover how Torah values enhance our lives and form the bedrock of civilization.

You should endeavor to live near a Jewish community which has adult education programs, rabbis you can consult with, Shabbat hospitality programs, etc.

In 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), Moses completed his farewell address to the Jewish people, and God informed Moses that the day of his death was approaching (Deut. 31:14). Amazingly, the anniversary of Moses' completing his teaching coincides with the date in 1482 of the first printing of the standard format used for Jewish Bibles today: vowel signs, accents, translation (Targum), and Rashi commentary.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Solomon] was wiser than all men (I Kings 5:11), even wiser than fools (Midrash).

What does the Midrash mean by "wiser than fools"?

A man of means was once a Sabbath guest at the home of the Chofetz Chaim. He insisted upon paying the sage in advance for the Sabbath meals - an insulting demand. To everyone's surprise, the Chofetz Chaim accepted the money.

After the Sabbath the Chofetz Chaim forced the guest to take the money back. He explained, "Had I refused to accept the money before the Sabbath, the thought that he was imposing upon me might have distracted from the man's enjoying the spirit of the Sabbath. Although it was foolish of him to feel this way, I wished to put his mind at rest."

Not everyone thinks wisely all the time. Some people have foolish ideas. Yet if we oppose them, they may feel they have been wronged. Insisting on the logic of our own thinking may not convince them in the least. In such instances, it may require great wisdom to avoid offending someone, yet not submitting to his folly.

By accepting his guest's money, knowing that he would return it to him after the Sabbath, the Chofetz Chaim wisely accommodated this man's whim without compromising on his own principles.

A wise person may be convinced by a logical argument, but outsmarting a fool truly requires genius.

Today I shall...

try to avoid offending people whom I feel to be in the wrong, without in any way compromising myself.

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