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Full disclosure: I couldn't make it all the way through this Web-borne video from The Candie's Foundation, which touts abstinence for young people and stars Bristol Palin and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. I wanted to. I really did. But there were other things pressing for my attention right at that moment, like EVERYTHING ELSE I HAVE EVER SEEN, THOUGHT OR DONE, and besides, I was starting to get the kind of headache that usually indicates the onset of a subdural hematoma, although -- to be fair -- it may have only been a severe migraine. Nevertheless, and this is really the point I want to make, I learned a few things. Here, as a public service, is what I learned.

1) It is possible to hear the word "situation" so many times in the span of one short video that it loses even the meager amount of meaning left to it after Season 2 of Jersey Shore. (I agree with Steve Krakauer of Mediaite, who notes that "the word 'situation' literally jumps the shark somewhere in the middle of this PSA.") I'm not sure, but I think along about 1:20 Sorrentino may have actually said "Yo, I Situation the Situation of my Situation."

2) The Sitch, who has publicly expressed his desire to become an actor once Jersey Shore blips out of existence, should reconsider, because he is possibly the worst actor who ever lived. His performance in the Candie's video is the most painful 90 seconds of viewing since the Zapruder film. Although I will say this: You have to love the Method specificity of the moment when he refers to Palin getting in trouble with her "situation" and points helpfully toward her lower abdomen.

4) There are too many levels of irony to parse in the video's short, awful minute and a half. What are we supposed to make of Sitch's outfit, which looks like what SNL's Festrunk Brothers would have worn for a night in the fox bars? Is this supposed to be a distancing device, or a comment on the action, or on the "character" Sorrentino plays? What about the fact that (Krakauer points this out too) Sorrentino's favorite method of contraception seems to be to act so passive-aggressively nuts that his partners tend to flee before the Situation can be Situationed?