Today I am feeling overwhelmed and have an urge to cry but the tears won’t come. At first I thought I was depressed but then realised it was sadness and frustration.

This is my fifth day with severe gout. It started on Monday and three nights I was kept awake with pain. I could have avoided this if I saw my doctor earlier but I hoped I could treat it without meds. How wrong I was. It just got worse and my foot was like a football. By the fourth day I knew I had to see my GP. My son was ill as well and he had to drive me with a heavy flu to the doctor’s office followed by a trip to the chemist to collect my wonder cure of prednisolone. Within hours of taking the med I was starting to feel pain free and the foot improved slightly. My son is usually my nurse when I get bouts of gout but he was unable to help me much this time. We were both in the wars.

This is my eighth attack in a year. It seems to come once a month now. When the gout attacks I lose time in my life as I am bedridden. It is so hard to yield to it. I think about all the chores that are not being done ... all the clothes washing piling up.... I am down to my last pair of knickers..... and I have a lot of knickers! The dishes didn’t get done for days.... my son and I managed to do them last night. The Daddy-long-legs are having a field day... laying their eggs in every corner and roaming about without fear of my vacuum cleaner sucking them up. (I hate vacuuming them and always tell them how sorry I am). They have laid their eggs in my shower recess and I worry about how to remove them to the garden. It seems they have worked so hard to find a place for their offspring. I am sick and feeling very sensitive.

I managed to go outside and collect my sons washing and put a small load of my underwear in the wash.

I am on the couch wondering why my embroidery is giving me no enjoyment today even though I know the meds are kicking in and I will be well within days. My courage is petering out. Life has lost meaning. All I have to do is surrender to the moment knowing that this won’t last but I have lost so much time this year being unwell. I lose touch with friends and family and wonder how I will make up for lost time.

It takes a lot of working on the mind to get through acute illness. Once the acute pain is over... one would think it is easy sailing. But it is not..... A kind of grief sets in. I feel like I am in a parallel universe where everything has changed colours..... I feel displaced..... I feel I have lost my momentum...I feel abandoned by life it self......put aside..... Never to find my momentum again.... or my routine. I have to tell myself that I have got through this before and I will again. This time I have a large supply of my wonder drug. The GP gave me enough for at least 6 months. That has taken a lot of the fear away and I won’t get caught out without immediate treatment.

Early in the week we bought a kilo of cherries and I ate them until my stomach said “no”. I was so sure the cherries would help! They didn’t! Only gave me a tummy ache and loose stools. I think you are supposed to eat them as a preventive measure but who can afford to eat cherries every day. Not me! My son also made me celery and cucumber juice. Celery is supposed to be good too to get rid of the uric acid. I suppose I left it all a bit too late.

So I am sitting here, longing for a clean house, longing for some energy, longing to get well. I am reminding myself that others get ill as well and have to manage.... they are out there .... today... just like me.... we haven’t met.... but we are in this together. Whoever they might be.... I pray they might find the courage they need to get through. Courage and hope...... good ingredients to foster healing.

Today I cling to hope....and I am mustering up a bit more courage! I just need enough to get me through today.

Oh Rosie, I hope getting it down on paper so to speak has helped, you write so clearly how you feel both physically & mentally. Can I ask a question? You're in summer now, are you drinking enough water, replacing enough you're losing through 'glowing'? It's just my father in law used to be troubled with gout, he also used to have footballs for feet when in attack, it used to come on so quickly but he was told to ensure he drank enough water as it seems it can help the attack be less severe to a degree. He still needed his allopurinol or prolonged release diclofenac & on occasion a steroid injection but such a simple thing as drinking enough water did seem to help.

thanks for your reply nomoreheels. You are right. I am not drinking enough fluid at all. And yes with this climate in West Australia, glowing is always on the cards and more. I wrote that for my diary and decided to post it. It really did help to put it to paper and as I said to Sylvi the Daddy-long-legs are getting a reprieve until I get better. I live near the ocean but there is also a strip of bush, hence all the spiders. My son and I have decided to go on our usual bicycle -gopher ride along the ocean at 6am tomorrow. I take the gopher of course but the sunshine will be gentle and glorious. We stop for a coffee along the way and I love to take photos.

I love this site because I dont feel so alone and I feel understood.

My feet will still be swollen tomorrow but I wont have to do much walking.

Thanks for your reply. Yes it is gout as the uric acid in blood is sky high. Unfortunately I cant take the usual meds for gout as they make me ill. Prednisone is the only option right now. I have been getting a monthly attack for a year now. I changed from eating meat (small amounts) to becoming a vegetarian and there maybe something that is too acidic (or could be the whole diet) that is causing such high uric acid in my system. My doctor says it is usually too much fat in diet but I dont consume a lot of fat.... much less than before. No cakes or biscuits.

If you are relying on your GP, to prescribe...l'd ask to be referred to a consultant....my friends all see the same guy & he has prescribed something that has really helped...GP's seem to just throw Allapurinil ,(spelling?) at gout ..& there seem to be better meds available these days.

Must be hell for you....I had neuromas in my feet which is like walking with rocks in your shoes but I had them removed & although still uncomfortable it's bearable.

Thanks for your reply. I am seeing a rheumatologist in a month so hopefully get he will be able to shed some light on to why I am getting this so often. When I dont have gout my feet are very tender and I feel like I am walking on bones! I have a friend who had neuromas and she was in a lot of pain...had to have morphine patches so I feel for you.

If you are seeing a rheumatologist soon I would really push to get taken more seriously...from what you've said here and on other posts they are treating you in a bit of a careless way. If you are still flaring regularly with the RA as well as the gout then your diseases are not being well controlled.

I won't suggest you stamp your feet as far too painful, but please push hard for your treatment needs to be reviewed. It sounds from what you say that you need more....

Yes I will. Put my foot down...gently. the problem in the past has been that the specialist was a fly in one and I wss often the last patient! I was more worried about his needs than mine. He always ran very late!

I have a friend who gets Gout its awful so you have my sympathy but taking steriods may be making it worse? have you seen a hospital doctor my friends was down to kdney problems. Might be worth gettinng it checked out properly rather than just taking pills as and not to frighten you he had dialasis but this was his first symptom. It does'nt hurt to ask.

Thanks for your reply. My doctor prescribed the prednisone and I only take it in very small doses for 5 days. like you I am wary of cortisone and its long term sided effects and not happy to be taking too many of them.

that sounds amazing! I asked my GP about gout supplements a few days ago and he said they don't help during an attack but I have read about cherry active and wondered if it worked. I will certainly look into it. Thanks so much!