Jenn

Well, I went to bed early tonight. I didn’t really know what to do with myself come about 11 or so lol, I was on pchats but it was slow for the whole time I was on, so I decided to log off. After that, Idk…I got super bored, nothing was on tv, no one to talk to really, so I just went to bed. I was only up for about 8 hours before that lol. This weather has everyone I know feeling depressed pretty much, including myself. I want it to be sunny & warm and be able to leave the house without feeling like I’m going to freeze to death! I wish my friends lived closer, I miss them & it makes me sad. I can’t just run out and go hang with someone when I’m feeling down or crappy like I used to be able to, but really, I never used to feel so down with myself, so maybe it’s because of the fact that I do live so far from anyone I’d hang out with at all.

I guess I’m a very social person, who is happiest amongst people I care about, and who care about me. Even though I’m used to being alone so much, and doing everything for myself, I still need friends & fun times. I was pretty glad to know that my one friend was like, begging me to come out the month ago that I did…we used to hang out alot & talk about everything, but then she had a lot of problems & whatever didn’t have time for friends or something because of her life probs at the time, I wanted her to be her fun happy self but she just couldn’t & I couldn’t really help her so that was sad. Anywho- I was kinda glad to know that someone wasn’t gonna have a fun night unless I came out…makes me feel important lol. (no, I don’t like this friend like “that”, we just have been good friends for awhile and whatnot, and she’s fun to hang with).

I’m glad I’m not reliant on anyone, because that’s pretty much a set up for a break down, as you can’t rely on anyone but yourself for anything in life, really. It’s nice to feel like you can for awhile though…have a friend you can tell things, and who will care & want to make you feel better, but most people have their own things going on, and someone who they want to care about their problems, more than they want you to care. Maybe they wish you didn’t care and would leave them alone, but I care about people that I know on a personal level, so that’s hard for me. lol. Does that make sense? Well, I know what I mean.

I’ve been sleeping a lot lately, got a lot of stuff on my mind all the time that I’m not sure what to do with. Other than that I work and try to be happy while I go back and forth with myself all day long, it’s tiring. Just personal junk that I won’t bore you with here. It’s hard to talk to people because I don’t enjoy bringing others down with my problems, most people don’t want to hear about it if they can’t fix it, and I don’t enjoy rambling the problems off to someone who won’t *really* give a damn anyway, or who will be like “idk what to tell ya, huhuhuh!” Which is understandable, I don’t expect anyone to enjoy hearing depressive emo bullshit, hell, I don’t like to hear it unless it’s someone who I truly care about and want to help & feel like I CAN help. Which is why I only ramble my problems to certain people. There have been many people in my life who I’ve wished I could be of help to when feeling down because I care about them in some way, but you can’t be of help when what’s bothering them is not something that can be helped by you, even if you wish it could because you want them to come to you, that’s probably the last thing on their mind. ::sad:: Are you crying yet, while reading this? hahaha. Sorry, I can be very depressing when I try real hard! Unless you’re sleeping now from being fuckin bored to death!

Whut-evs…Maybe I’ll just ignore it for awhile and feel happy. No use whining and feeling like shit, if I can ignore it and not have to! Ignorance is bliss, after all, right? O_O. It’s four a.m….I wish I woulda slept till at least a “normal” time, like six. ehhh….oh well. I guess I’ll be up all day! ;D This is probably the only blog you will ever see from me like this, because I don’t want anyone offering comfort to me or anything, or asking what’s wrong. I pretty much generally hate that because if you were supposed to know, you would! I’m a hermit by the age of 24 and don’t like to be bothered. haha. I’m a stubborn person. It’s one of my flaws.

I’m gonna sit here and smell these pretty tulips someone sent me for vday 🙂 I wish my whole house could smell like real tulips…I think i’d die from the deliciousness of it. Tulips make me happy because let’s face it, they’re like a symbol of new and starting over since they come in the spring time & bring color and prettyness to the gray dreary shit hole dirty snow rain weather that I hate oh- so- much. Yeah, they make me happy to smell and look at, simple pleasures, lol. What kind of loser do I sound like? haha. Whatever, girls are supposed to be like that, right? I can be a wuss if I want to!

Ok, well I have killed enough people with my ramblings, I think it’s time to wrap it on up! I’m going to go make some coffee at 4:06 a.m. aka NOW…and eat something. I have a new goal, to go do something for myself every day…maybe tanning, or get out and buy a shirt…or go look at puppies and have mini heart breaks as I fall in love with one and then deny myself buying it because I already have 3, lol what self torture! I have to do something/anything to break up the suck ass of sitting inside all winter…it will suck and be freezing, but I can’t do the inside thing anymore because I swear I’m going effing crazed! ;D I wanna roll around in my car in the sun and nice weather, with the windows down, blasting sublime with my friends and singing and laughing and joking around, is that too much to ask?!?! I don’t care if they live an hour drive or an hour plane ride away, It’s doable!