Posts Tagged 'Zelda'

I can’t get enough of this video of a pregnant pug. Her name is Zelda! Obviously the owner has good taste. I just like that the pug is all, “OMG, I am SO pregnant. I AM FULL OF PUPPIES, GUYS. SOMEONE GET ME SOME ICE CREAM.”

So great. It makes me wish that I could have let Zelda and Winston have adorable little pugs, but then I’d get sued or something by Zelda’s crazy breeder, and really, I like my money where I can see it, in my closet (or makeup bag for that matter).

I remember when both the pups were so small, ADORABLE. For instance, baby Zelda:

Why can’t they stay puppies for a long time?! They grow up so fast! *sniff*

I know it’s Autumn, and that daylight savings will be coming into effect soon, but I really wish the earth would tilt normally and at least make it light out until maybe 7:30. I won’t have anything to say to the sun (I’m looking at YOU, sun) if it would just make Canada light for an extra hour at night.

Does anyone else feel like a slug right after Summer? It’s like the entire side of the world slows down, and everyone goes into hiding until its Spring again.

When it’s dark out early and I’m inside I start to think too much. Then I start thinking thoughts like, “Do veins just ‘end’ at the tips of my fingers, or do veins keep going in a circle? If you say, had a tumor that you wanted cut off, but there was a nerve growing into the tumor, could they just lop the tumor off and sew up the nerve ending back inside your normal body? Or would you wake up going insane from the nerve pain? And if they brain helps trigger our movement, how do people do unconscious things like bite their nails and not even notice?”

Such is what I am currently pondering.

Do you ever look at your dog and think, “You are a little ANIMAL. I have an animal just roaming around my house all day and night. But you’re more than an animal, you’re like this weird in-between a human and animal. And how great is it that we actually can understand each other and communicate?” I get those thoughts every now and again. These creatures that I love that aren’t human are just wandering around all day, hangin, eating, pooping, playing, and sleeping. I wish I could videotape them to see what they do all day. Though they seem to get into more shenanigans when I just leave for a minute rather than the whole day.

A few days ago I was looking at Zedla as she laid down on the couch and we met eyes and then out of nowhere she produces part of an empty Kit Kat wrapper out of her mouth and just looks at me. Shame on me for leaving my Halloween-sized Kit Kat wrapper on the coffee table. It was ridiculous to see her do that. It was like on 30 Rock when Kathy pulls a Matchbox car out of her mouth when Liz talks to her.

Just like, “Oh, here’s something for you to look at. I like to keep candy bar wrappers in my mouth until just the right moment. See? Here’s a Kit Kat wrapper. Enjoy.”

Damnit, I missed a day! I will have to make up for it by posting two times today!

This morning I was walking to work with Steve (he walks me to work in the mornings, awww) and we get maybe 50 feet from my office building when we hear it:

“FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART.”

From a man who owns this Chinese import business in the building next to us. It wasn’t even subtle, it was so loud that I threw some of my coffee on myself. I mean, if you’ve got to fart, try and slip it out, but this guy almost seemed proud of it! Shame on your bum, sir. Shame on you. It almost sounded like one of those farts where you accidently shit yourself a little. I can’t get the sound out of my head.

But enough about farts, let’s talk about pugs!

Winston seems to waver between very smart and dumb. Don’t ask me how. Sometimes he does really dumb dog stuff, and then he’ll surprise me 10 minutes later by doing something genius. Like When he gets so excited that he runs to jump on the couch and then bounces off because he only put 30% into the jump. But then he’ll do something that wows me, like when you pet him and stop for a minute, and then he slaps your hand with his paw a few times to be like, “Hey, hey! We’re not done here!”

Now that I think of it, Zelda does the same thing. She’ll be so set on trying to catch a treat in her mouth that she will fall flat on her ass but always keep her eye on the food. I watched her completely topple over while trying to catch a ball yesterday. But she actually knows how to communicate with people. Like when she wants you to throw a toy, she’ll set it ON you and whine at you, while looking at you and the toy, all the while probably thinking, “Piece it together, GEEZ!”

I like to sit on one of my legs most of the time at my desk. An old boss kept saying, “don’t do that, it’s not good for you!” to which I said, “you shut your dirty mouth!” No, I didn’t say that. I moved off my leg. But damnit, I can only sit in that perfect at-your-desk position for so long!

I happen to be wearing green patent flats today, which is important to note for the purposes of both fashion AND what I’m about to explain.

Really, there’s only so long I can sit at my desk and not move, so even if I sit on my leg, I need to eventually go back to the standard way of sitting. So I usually am able to just slide my foot out from under my other leg and put it on the ground. Except that today, because my shoes are made from patent, and because I sit in an imitation leather chair, and because I am in the office with only one other dude, my shoe happens to make a sound exactly like a grotesque fart.

So basically that happened like 2 minutes ago, and I was so shocked by the sound, that I just dragged my shoe across the chair in hopes that it would just make more squeaks so that I didn’t sound like I was going to have a burst of explosive diarrhea!

On another front, I was walking Zelda last night and everything was fine until she saw some Lassie sort of dog and started to make little “I am going to go apeshit in 10 seconds” noises as we passed the dog, and so I just kept on walking briskly, and then the woman walking the dog was like, “Aww, what’s wrong with your dog?”

“She got attacked by a lab at a dog park, so I am doing rehabilitation work.”

And as I am trying to walk away, she edges her hand towards Zelda, expecting me to walk over to her and let her pet Zelda and “make it all better.”

“Sorry, I’m doing rehabilitation work, I’ve got to be moving on.”

and I speed walk away. But seriously, I can sort of see why someone would want to pet Zelda as she’s making those noises, but when I TELL YOU that I am doing rehabilitation work, why would you think I’d walk right up to you, and the dog that my dog is starting to freak out at? Do you think my dog will just “calm down?” if she gets to smell your dog? Um, and did I mention that this woman’s dog BARKED at Zelda, thus beginning a louder squealing process?

“Oh yeah, I can see that your dog clearly doesn’t want my dog near it, so sure I’ll just come right over and talk to you about what a poor dog my dog must be, and that because she’s making all this noise I am a terrible dog person. In fact, why don’t I just bark in YOUR face and see how you react? Or maybe I’ll just scream in your face in short bursts so you can see what it’s like for my dog to see other dogs.

Fuuuuuuuck. It’s like sometimes you don’t even bother because some people can be pretty stupid, but then other times I kind of go, “Seriously?! Is this how people think?! I am going to slap every stranger I see.”

Or maybe I should just slap other stupid dog owners? Like every time someone wants to pet Zelda when she is barking I will just smack them across their face. Or maybe just like put my palm against their nose and puuuuuuush them away.

“SORRY, NO DOG PETTING.”

I ought to take up walking the pugs at like midnight so I don’t have to deal with other dogs. Damnit!

Well, I didn’t want to cry over any commercials yesterday, so maybe the medication is starting to work? No no, wait, it’s because I had a dog trainer/whisperer come to my apartment yesterday to help me with my little troublemakers! She was rather delightful, and managed to Cesar Milan the hell out of my dogs.

It was like watching a movie watching this lady show me what to do.

“Whose dogs are these?! These can’t be my dogs! They are behaving SO WELL!”

And you know how people on those dog “help me” shows always look like they feel like terrible people (well, most of the time)? Yeah, I was thinking I AM A TERRIBLE DOG MOMMA! while she’s telling me what I need to do to help them. I know I’m not a bad pug momma here in the real world, but when you have a certified dog trainer prancing your dogs around like they should have been cast in Best In Show, you start to feel a little bad.

I would really do anything to help them be happier, healthier pups, and this woman charged a very reasonable, dare I say LOW fee considering the help I got. Also consider that another company said they would have to charge me $1100 total for both dogs. Excuse me while I shit a brick and then use that brick to break into a bank so that I can pay these people. Then watch me hand a MUCH MORE REASONABLE $75 to this woman that came to my apartment last night. HELLO?! PRICE DIFFERENCE?! If that’s not an example of the Free Market at work, I don’t know what is. Can you imagine that there is no regulation on pricing? Someone out there is paying THOUSANDS of dollars when I am paying $75?! Good thing I shopped around!

And don’t forget the very generous tip I gave to this woman of a full pug’s worth of hair all over her clothing! She’ll be able to build her very own pug! I am so generous.

I didn’t want to cry I was so happy about her helping me, however, I did want to give her a kiss on the mouth because seriously? It was so nice to have someone come and see me in my environment and be able to examine how the dogs are in their home. I think the training worked a lot better because they were nice a comfortable as well.

I guess the only surprise that came wasn’t even mine, it was the dog trainer’s, when she noticed that both of my dogs like to stand on the coffee table. And the side tables. And window ledges. Hey, Winston happened to learn that from our cat and then passed it onto Zelda, I can’t help it! She saw one of them on one of our side tables and was like, “Well that’s new!” Yes, they enjoy taking the place of coffee table books. What of it?! Okay, they shouldn’t be allowed to do it, but I just think it’s really funny when they do, because they sort of look confused as to how they even got there, and how they’re going to get down without wiping out. Don’t worry, they never wipe out (just in case you were going to call Animal Control). I do enjoy the quizzical look they give though.

“WHA? HOW DID I GET HERE? WHAT IS THIS BLACK MAGIC?!”

Maybe someday I’ll even get to walk the dogs, dare I say it, off leash (in parks, as I don’t know, I don’t really like not having them strapped in when we’re walking on the sidewalk). One can dream…

Yes, I know I haven’t posted in two weeks. My apologies! I suppose I’ve just been trying to figure out exactly what I want to write about here. I went to see Heather Armstrong on Friday after work because she was in town (anyone read Dooce?), but sadly the restaurant where she was got pretty crowded with middle-aged blogger ladies, and I’d had a pretty tough week at work, so I just took a good look at her to make sure she was real, and went on my way.

Yes, she’s real. So is John! It was almost like looking at an old friend, but hi, I’ve never met them. I thought about taking a photo of her, just to show I was there, but frankly, she’s a blogger, not Madonna, so I thought it would be a little strange to just snap a photo and leave. Though I guess that was a disappointing end to my week, Steve took me over to see her on the aquabus, which was a big delight!

Last week was sort of hard. I forgot to take my medication on two different days, which totally effs up my brain chemistry, and makes it REALLY hard to concentrate. I felt like I was in a cloud, and just couldn’t remember anything important, which, you know, makes doing your job sort of difficult. I also was very clumsy, which by the end of the week made me feel like I was going to cry. But I didn’t! So the medication must be working, right? I am still having a LOT of trouble concentrating, which leads me to believe that I may not have found the right medication yet. Sigh.

The pugs are good. Though the dogs have taken up occasionally peeing on our bed when the door is left open even a CRACK. Which makes me want to scream. Why the bed?! Why not on the floor at least?! I ought to be saving for a not-so-peed-on mattress. Or maybe a carpet steamer. Anyone want to sent me one?!

Oh yeah! It was Winston’s 2nd birthday on the 20th! He’s the big 2! I am hoping not so much the terrible 2s as the “I AM GOING TO CALM DOWN AND STOP PEEING ON THE BED” 2. Or maybe the “I AM GOING TO STOP BARKING BECAUSE IT GIVES MOM HEADACHES” 2. I mean, look at this face:

HOW CAN I BE MAD AT THIS FACE?!

But wait, where’s Zelda you ask?

RIGHT HERE, BEING TOTALLY CUTE. And yes, I know she has crap on her nose in this photo, and no, I don’t know what it is. Probably poop. Because I am a good doggy cleaner. And Zelda is a good poop eater.

Ooooh, also, I got a new tattoo!

I don’t know if you can tell, but that’s my arm. I am just waiting to see my mother lose her shit when she sees it. I am debating what she’s going to say. Well, then again, she doesn’t know I have one yet, let alone three, so I guess we really WILL see what happens when I see her next month. It could really go a few ways. She is really into watching LA Ink, London Ink, and Miami Ink, so I think she *might* just be shocked for a moment and then be okay, or she might look something like this:

and then yell a lot. BUT, I am an adult, so she can’t kick me out of the house, HA! And really, it’s already done, and I love it, so MUAHAHAHA. At least I’m not showing up like this:

Right, RIGHT?!

Then again, I am interested in getting more, so my mother may pass out at the mere sight of me. One can dream, right?