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Poetry

Published December 29, 2018 by nathalie

I spent a little time this year writing my thoughts out in my notes app, here are two raw moments.

Unfinished yet Eternal

Currently serves as the theme for my life. So many things I have encountered and started are unfinished right now. I have not made it nor have I arrived, but I’m pressing forward. “To what?” is the question. Right now I can’t tell you where I’ll be in five years, who I’ll be with, or how much money I will be making. Right now, I am unfinished for sure.

Transition isn’t an unusual place for me, but this time it’s different. When I put the things I want in life on the table it pales in comparison to the work I know is eternal. For once in my life, my goals and plans seem minuscule to what God wants me to do. The problem is an opportunity hasn’t presented itself. Right now I’m waiting to hear. I will continue to take life as it comes, but I really want to hear what God has for me.

It’s a vulnerable place, where I am, right now. Easily criticized and un-analyzed by many. When I take my experiences into account there is no doubt that this is the time for me to completely surrender to God’s will in obedience. So when I finally hear, I will step forward in full confidence.

It’s polarizing to look at my career perspective from 10 years ago and now. Absolutely polarizing. In my heart, I know I am still an entrepreneur, go-getter, builder, and bottom-line enthusiast. Right now, it just looks completely different. I’m intentional about all the things I’m involved with both old and new. It’s a vulnerable place, but I’ll own it.

I spend my time feeling unappreciated. Gazed upon with love but forgotten at a slight turn. While love is in the air, I stand in front of the fan. All flies by nothing sticks. I’m sick. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. Already stated that how I feel is missed. Can someone just appreciated what’s been missed. Feeling like I’m under a rain cloud, there’s not screaming loud enough that makes you turn back around. How did you miss…this. Separated from the love that makes you feel respected. Respect that my life is not my own, but my ministry is to be shared. Impact at twice the margin. I’m not forgotten. I’m waiting. Waiting for you to turn around see the love shown, lean in to a mission. I’m not easy nor did I say this would be, but challenges are always worth it. Lean in. Lean into. Lean into love.

I honestly thought I had written my best work. Then life happened again. I was in that same place again. Somehow. That place where the day seems to drag along. The music plays the same sultry tune. The place where it never quite comes together. Where I start questioning the obvious. Where I’m stuck in the obvious. Where the way out seems just too far out of reach. Where you wouldn’t say its quicksand, but you wouldn’t say its water either. You kind of put up with yourself. You kind of linger in assessment. You know it’s over eventually…but. Somehow. That circle of life comes back around. Now I’m writing again. From my soul. Where it shouldn’t hurt, I shouldn’t feel the hurt, but it feels like my chest is caving in. Hurt. How does a soul hurt. It doesn’t feel like a circle, it feels like a funnel, again. But where’s the let out?

Picking up the pieces

Just a few left here
Step out and see
Dust and debris
Is all I see

Just a few left here
Pieces of me
Trying to start
Just left with me

It’s the pieces of us
Fragments you knew
Swept to the side

Just a few left here
Pieces of me
It’s pieces of us
But just left with me