Two Questions and a Shocker

Two Questions and a Shocker

Today somebody asked me what is was exactly I wanted. This was after we’d had a conversation about how trying to set up a business in the “normal” way, i.e. following in the footsteps of those who were already successful, hadn’t worked for me. I constantly find myself trying to bend what seems right to me to fit their world view.

The only time I feel I am on the right track is by letting go most of what I’ve learned about the right way of setting up a business and taking one step at a time. Not necessarily the best step but the one that appeals to me most in that moment and is right in front of me.

After he’d asked the question there was a long silence where I my racked my brain to think what it was I wanted so I could reply. In the end I responded that I really didn’t know. “I can only go back to what I keep going back to”, I said “which is what I’m actually enjoying in the moment. That’s conversations and just seeing where they will go, if anywhere”.

His response was that I would benefit from a coach 🙂 and something along the lines “as long as you’re confused and uncertain then that’s what you’ll be putting out and that’s what you’ll be getting back”. He has a point.

If I look at “the business” as a whole, as a big thing out there and try to work out who my ideal client is, what my message is, what I want to sell etc. I end up confused and unclear. At this point I simply don’t know. I have ideas but nothing that feels so right I want to make it happen.

On the other hand, when I’m just taking the next step like writing a single blog post, or creating an image or being in conversation with people without trying to make it significant, what I’m putting out is clear. I’m writing from the here and now or deeply connected with the flow of a conversation. In the smaller day to day I know what I am about. In the present things get created.

The shocker came later in the day, in a different conversation with a very close friend. She’s someone who really “gets” where I’m coming from but today I was completely gobsmacked when she said “I just can’t imagine not wanting anything”!

A heated debate ensued where I described that I’d pretty much got all I wanted by my 30’s and since then I’ve played the game, on and off, of wanting, but my heart has not been in it.

I’ve known for a long time that most of the things I said I wanted I could have, if I really wanted them, but I chose not to. The only things I truly want are ones which I can’t really control such as the safety of my friends and family, health, not dying, guaranteed financial security, for example.

So then she asked the excellent question – If you have everything you want then why aren’t you happy with that, why do you feel down at times, why do you care about what you do and don’t do?

The simple answer is I’m not completely comfortable with not wanting anything.

It feels like the world is screaming at me that I need to do this, have that, want these and I find it really hard to stay on my own path and accept what is true for me. Having my friend say that she didn’t get it either was a real eye opener for me. It made me see just how far outside the norm I am in this. It’s good to know that. It’s a call to go deeper.

With this new insight it makes even more sense to keep putting out odd bits and pieces as they come up, and focus on the people who respond in some way because they resonate with it too.

Today, for instance, I put something on Twitter about giving up following my passion, my calling, my purpose etc. and just taking the next step and had a nice mini conversation with someone who also enjoyed that approach. These are the people that it makes sense to be in conversation with rather than worrying about ideal clients, my message and what I want.

6 comments to “Two Questions and a Shocker”

I really get you Gillian! I think it maybe has something to do with your past travelling experiences, because since I have been constantly moving around and had to live in a really small space or sofa surfing, I have learned not to have things(where would I put them? and then I have to keep moving them with me). Also when I am on the road I feel a great sense of freedom and really close to nature and at peace. Often I just feel like I want things to provide for others or somewhere for people to come etc. Meanwhile I do too worry about health and not having enough money to manage etc….I could go on, but will leave it there, always good to read your thoughts! xx

Thanks for commenting Alison. Not sure I would cope with coach surfing now if I didn’t have a home to return to. You must have had a lot of adventures. I agree having a place for others to come and stay is a wonderful thing. Our visitors invariably leave relaxed and refreshed after hanging out with us. I love that!

Oh my where have the years gone, and what has really changed(rhetorical), could not answer the question myself, but one thing I have enjoyed Gillian is knowing you and somehow over all these years(pushing 25+)still feeling connected to you and still enjoying what we will call your path. I have laughed and I have cried for some of those but in the end it has always brought me back to the reality that you have been one of my greatest mirrors. I also have struggled with what I want, what is my passion, purpose, who the hell am I. Maybe everyone goes through that. Knowing that never helped me or knowing that others have and have risen above it to accomplish great things, money or fame. That is just depressing although I can appreciate and be joyous for them. So in the end what are we left with?,for me one of those endings was retiring(maybe just from the struggle of that all important question). When I did retire it brought up all of those questions again, but now I was doing nothing , how could I even measure my rate of advancing to the truth. Damn more questions. So in the interim( don’t want to call it the end) I came to the conclusion of the truth for me. I am who I am and the greatest achievement I can accomplish in every moment is to be true to myself and share it with everyone I care about,because being who we are is expressing that inner divinity,the expression of the ever expanding life. And you have been a great expression of that and a great mentor for me to just…. BE.

Beautifully put Roland! It’s interesting what you say about retirement bring back the questions. It does seem to “help” though. I recently witnessed an amazing transition in another friend when she got to the age where should could “officially” retire. All her seeking for what to do just fell away and she settled into her life. Nothing really changed in the external world, since she was already doing what made her happy, but she no longer had the doubt and the questioning around it.

It’s interesting that you came to “I am who I am and the greatest achievement I can accomplish in every moment is to be true to myself and share it with everyone I care about,because being who we are is expressing that inner divinity,the expression of the ever expanding life. And you have been a great expression of that and a great mentor for me to just…. BE.” It’s not new is it? You probably would have said that, or something similar, before you retired and yet, there’s something about that transition point that appears to make it easier to accept.

I wonder if I will experience the same when I reach “official” retirement age. Right now it still feels like there’s something more I should be doing much of the time.

Hi Yolanda. To be honest I’ve been struggling a bit lately but seem to be over the worst of it now. Have just embarked on a new adventure, 100K in 60 Days (blog post later today) which looks like it will be fun. Hope you’re doing well!