This is the jackpiner who had those five things ostensibly wrong with him, and was hoping it'd be enough to get him a first-class ticket aboard the disability gravy train--the one like the one the Odin2005 primitive is on, where one never had to pay in anything, to collect.

Quote

davidthegnome (2724 posts) June 11, 2018 at 12:02 pm

Anxiety is terrifying.

It is hard to separate, some times, the difference between fear and anxiety. For me, I find that anxiety typically inspires my fear to rather insane levels. It is easy to feel cowardly when this happens. A couple nights ago, I made the mistake of eating a bit of ice cream before bed.

Went to lay down, started getting a bit of pain in my chest. Tried propping myself up in bed, it got worse – a lot worse. So I got up and started pacing – not recognizing at the time that that was typically one of the first things I do when I get a bad panic attack. The chest pain intensified further, right in the center of my upper chest (likely an esophageal thing) and I recognized it, finally, as ridiculously severe heartburn. So I threw up, several times – and unlike with the flu, it didn’t ease the pain even a little, if anything, the pain got steadily worse.

It hurt so much I began to think I was dying, that an internal organ was failing and that was it, was going to drop on the spot. At this point, everything suddenly looks different – as if my very visual perception has changed (though it hasnt) – everything looks more narrow – my heart is thumping fit to burst, and I’m really freaking the **** out. I debate for a moment if I want to go to the ER – but I can’t, because there’s no way I can sit in a car that long (it’s a 30 mile drive or so), let alone drive. So I keep pacing, alternating between going to the bathroom to be sick, or trying to meditate away the pain. Nothing works.

Finally, I woke my Mother and told her what was going on (she’s a nurse). She gave me some pepcid, told me to focus on my breathing. Slow and even… slow and even… an hour or so later, the pain went down enough that I could sit in a chair and distract myself somewhat by watching Godzilla (the 90s version). Another hour and a half later, I finally fell asleep.

I’ve had the gerd for quite a while (severe heartburn, digestive issues, inflammation of the esophagus and small intestine, etc.), but I have never had a.. I don’t know what to call it… gerd attack? That was that painful or that bad. I seriously thought I was dying – and recalled, suddenly, that, hey, death is terrifying.

It was not though, actually my own fear of death that sent me towards extreme terror and even madness – but the panic attack I experienced at the same time as the damned gerd attack. Have to make an appointment somewhere… but I don’t know that they can do anything. They’ve had me on omeprazole for a few months, 40 miligrams a night, which has solved my typical nightly heart burn for the most part, but the pain I felt the other night was… extremely extreme.

Too much more of that and I’ll need a room with padded walls. Or at least lots of sedatives and painkillers.

Death is terrifying all by itself – but when anxiety makes you think you’re dying and you’re already in extreme pain… it’s something else altogether. Odd, because throughout my various depressions I have toyed with the idea of suicide – though I never really committed to the idea. Too scary, you know.I wonder if I’m really just sick – or if I am in fact a coward who can’t handle shit. Damn.

Just not reading it? I’m sure you can find something much more interesting here that isn’t so dramatic. This group is intended as a refuge for people who are struggling. All are welcome, but I would ask that you be polite and respectful.

Years ago, every time I had a panic attack I was terrified that I was actually having a heart attack instead. I had to logic myself out of it. If I could run – I wasn’t having a heart attack. Hell, if I could walk reasonably well I wasn’t. Things like that. Before that though, I read up on all the symptoms. So I’d start checking to see if my nails were changing color, I’d fret over that tingling feeling anxiety can cause, particularly as it always seemed to occur in my left arm. I’d get someone to check my pulse. If I was alone… well, I usually did something really simple with my hands, like shuffle cards, to distract myself a bit.

I made a few trips to the ER, too – the last time I really went during a panic attack was some years ago. I was in a crisis center at the time – and there was a social worker everyone called the “Lieutenant”. She was… not pleasant. Basically told me that I was a coward and I had to buck up, be a man. I’d never met a social worker like that. Anyhow, I got so bad that they thought I was going to hyperventilate. So they took me to the ER.

A nurse took my vitals, as I explained that my heart was racing, my breathing was off… just, wrong, somehow. I felt like I was dying. Nurse tells me “That’s NOT an emergency. It’s not something you come to the damn ER for.” Which made me feel even worse. Anyhow, I paced in the waiting room for a good hour, getting worse (this was during an “acute anxiety” incident) until the Doc finally called me in. Sat me down on the exam bed, didn’t bother asking any questions or anything, just informed me that I had anxiety. That my mind was building a host of worries, there was nothing wrong with me and, finally, he told me I was wasting his time. He gave me two little blue pills (which I think must have been a couple miligrams of ativan) and told me to go.

Some twenty minutes later, the ativan brought me back down to earth. I felt a lot better for a time, but I remember feeling like I was some kind of nut who was just wasting their time. Unfortunately, a lot of hospital staff are not really well trained in dealing with anxiety or panic attacks in particular. Even though the patient isn’t dying – to them, they feel like they are, to them, it IS an emergency – which a lot of people don’t seem to understand.

Usually, the problem can be resolved simply with either a pill or a shot. Some times it can be done by simply talking the patient down. I wish both the understanding of the issue – and the training in how to manage it, was a lot more common. It would solve a lot of misunderstandings.

It’s when I’m following/doing something that greatly interests me or that I feel passionate about. Or both. For example, a good trilogy (novels) can keep my focus almost completely until I’ve finished reading it. Unfortunately I read very fast now.

I once read the bible cover to cover mostly because I was bored. I admit to skimming over the “begats”.

For a time last summer I had a girlfriend who (I believed – and certainly seemed to) require my constant attention and support. She told me she had stage four cancer. Most nights I would half-carry her up the stairs to bed.

For a time, my whole life and all of my energy was devoted to her and her son. I thought I was happy, I believed I was in love. The anxiety still occasionally came up, but no where near the frequency or strength with which it had.

To make a long story short, turned out she was lying about the cancer. She had been to prison years ago for wrongfully accusing a man of rape (she made a very public apology about this in court).

She really made me out to be a monster when we finally broke up. I had spent months living with her and her son in a low income housing complex, given them all I had, I was ready to devote my life.

When I discovered she had been lying to me, it really blew me away. She told the whole neighborhood that I was an abuser, a thief, a spoiled, entitled man-child…

Months later, I learned that her church had begun questioning whether she had cancer. So she forged a letter, supposedly from the local cancer doctor. The pastor brought it to the hospital where the doctor said she had no idea who that person was.

I don’t believe she ever faced charges for it, but it made her accusations against me much less believable. I don’t know why she acted as she did, if she had some long con in mind, or hated men, or was just very broken.

I had to call the police on a friend of hers who kept making obscene phone calls to me and threatening to kick my ass…

Okay, sorry, that is not a short story. My time with her though was the most anxiety free I have had in years. It was… different. Being with someone who needed me (so I thought) so badly. Being able to really be and feel useful.

I don’t think I could do that in an institutionalized setting, but one on one with someone I loved… well, it was… good, for a time.

Logged

Democrats: A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for rich people by telling poor people that other rich people are the reason they are poor

It was not though, actually my own fear of death that sent me towards extreme terror and even madness – but the panic attack I experienced at the same time as the damned gerd attack. Have to make an appointment somewhere…

Try the closest funeral home.

Logged

Basking in the glow of my white Privilege, while I water the Begonias with liberal tears!

DUpipo need to learn to have background checks before sticking "it" into possible crazy. Not living that lifestyle would be wiser, but since they eschew that wisdom at least they should be less stupid in going about doing what and who they choose.

In the intervals between his panic attacks, we depend on davidthgnome to give us practical life advice on everything from how to think to who to vote for. No one know our "best interests" better!

Logged

"We will bring back our jobs. We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth - and we will bring back our dreams!" -President Donald J. Trump 1/20/17

“The more Hillary goes on television the more the American people realize how awesome it is to have @realDonaldTrump in office." -Donald Trump Jr. 1/29/18

"You've been talking about Russia for the last three years, all day, every day then all of a sudden it comes out that the whole thing is a hoax...and all of a sudden they want to talk about health care. “This is why they're going to lose. This is why they're going to lose in 2020.”-Eric Trump 4/12/19

"Maybe third time’s the charm for Joe Biden to at least win the nomination" -Laura Trump 4/24/19

The only people who fear death are those who experience guilt over the life they lead.

Logged

Manâ€™s greatness is so obvious that it can even be deduced from his wretchedness, for what is nature in animals we call wretchedness in man, thus recognizing that, if his nature is today like that of the animals, he must have fallen from some better state which was once his own.Blaise Pascal

When I discovered she had been lying to me, it really blew me away. She told the whole neighborhood that I was an abuser, a thief, a spoiled, entitled man-child…

Yeah, the bolded part is probably spot on.

Logged

The policies that are indorsed by this party, that they backer of which are much of the 1 percent, causes a social structure much like the one back before the Revolution.

-Words of wisdom from Lady Freedom Returns

"Arguing with liberals...it's like playing chess with a pigeon; no matter how good I am at chess, the pigeon is just going to knock over the pieces, crap on the board and strut around like it's victorious." -- Anonymous

"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat." - P. J. O'Rourke