Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Get off my lawn, Birchbox. You're too early. August 2014

Embrace luxury you filthy swine.

Birchbox is trying it’s absolute hardest to convince me that it is August. My calendar disagrees. Despite it being the 29th day of July, I received my Birchbox in the mail yesterday, which is fantastic because I have very little patience in regards to when my anticipated mail arrives. For the uncultured swine that may read this and are unaware what Birchbox is I’ll clue you in. Birchbox sends me a few samples of grooming product and one lifestyle item every month in the mail. I pay them $20 and they make me smell like the manliest of roses; more commonly known as pine cones or moss rocks. My wife was using a lot of reverse psychology on me with this box. There was a lot of “that scents going to give me an asthma attack” and “That bracelet looks weird” so naturally I knew she loved the whole thing.

Good luck keeping your precious calluses.

Baxter of California; Moisturizer: I’m not really a lotion kind of guy. My problem isn’t necessarily that I enjoy cracked skin, it’s that I don’t want to reverse the years I’ve spent culturing these manly calluses on my hands. Seriously, they’re bound to pop up within a year or two at this rate. My fear is that if I apply lotion every night my hands will become indistinguishable from my wifes. That being said, this stuff isn’t greasy. The benefit of this is that your hands don’t feel like you’ve just massaged a hagfish and if you find yourself in a room that spontaneously catches fire you won’t be trapped because your hands are no longer compatible with standard door knobs. It’s a good lotion that does the trick with little scent and no grease.

Warning: Does Not Prevent Backney.

Ursa Major; Face Wash:Endless emerald fields of mint and rosemary violently erupt into your minds eye when the invigorating aroma of this face wash permeates your olfactory system. Until it suds up and blocks your nostrils so you breath out of your mouth and suddenly discover it tastes nothing like the smell. Suddenly those fields blur into a dark bitter world filled with sharp, irritating sensations. The effect is worsened by attempting to wake from the nightmare. Pain jabs into your retinas like hot needles should you attempt to raise your eyelids prematurely.. You can’t breathe, you can’t see and all you feel is pain. Aside from making a few minor mistakes while using this, the experience was quite pleasant and my skin felt nice and fresh. Would use again (with slightly more attention to caution).

Actually just a nice smelling rock.

Dr. Squatch; Pine Tar Soap Bar:This tar black bar of soap was responsible for an (arguably) pleasant aroma that I originally took to be bug spray permeating from my mail box. I can’t decide if this is the best bar of soap I’ve ever used or the worst. The bar itself smells like essence of pine-soul. That is to say the soul of a pine forest, not Pine-sol the stuff used to poison that little girl in The Sixth Sense. The Birchbox itself smelled like a concentrated dose. The soap smelled nice, but seemed to have left it’s strength lingering within the box. It contains chunks of oatmeal in it so that you get a nice exfoliating clean feeling. This furthers the illusion that you are in fact rubbing a pine cone against your more sensitive areas. And when they list pine tar as an ingredient, they aren’t kidding. This thing bleeds black, to the point where the bottom of my tub looks like a black hole. It’s the best smelling coal pinecone you’ll ever groom with. I think I love it.

Wait...This isn't Dapper Dan!!!!

English Laundry; Pomade: This is some Don Draper next level pomade right here. The goop has a silicone futuristic look and feel to it. I was skeptical when I scooped a small heap onto my fingers. My concern was this: What if Birchbox had successfully set up a subscription grooming business for the solitary purpose to prank thousands of paying customers into putting glue or acid or something on their head. The board members would laugh and laugh and I would look like a fool. Unlikely. I spread the concoction through my mop and suddenly had complete control of my otherwise anarchic hair. Neo learned Kung Fu in seconds using futuristic technology; I got nice hair. This is probably my most likely “re-buy”.

I don't even- I can't belie- What am I suppo- Huh?

Bison Made; Double Wrap Bracelet: I once left my home riding a schwinn one-speed bicycle wearing a fedora, boat shoes, and a deep V neck T-shirt. I was also wearing Rayban aviator shades and had my zune sitting snugly in my khaki thigh length shorts blasting NPR so that I wouldn’t have to trouble with my bluetooth headphones. I did this all for the sake of going to the local food co-op to pick up kale, greek yogurt and some coconut water. I felt less pretentious that day than the moment I put this leather scrap onto my wrist. This is seriously a thin strap of leather that’s meant to wrap around your wrist twice. That’s it. It wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t claim the regular retail price to be $40. FORTY DOLLARS! We’re talking more than the Pathfinder core rulebook, more than a couple expansions for Smash Up, more than the Cornetto Trilogy on Blu Ray! Is it comfortable? sure, as far as much as a thin leather strap on your wrist can be. Does it look good? You bet! for a leather strap. Am I wearing it? Absolutely! I had to give it a fair test drive, and it’s at least worth the judgmental glances my wife gives it when she sees it smugly resting on my wrist. It’s like a hippie merit badge. Pretty soon I’ll be on my way to becoming a Woodstock scout (like Eagle Scout...get it? it sounded better in my head) like my sister, Julie. ***That top story never happened. I haven't succombed to that level yet.***

Julie covers her blemishes with bracelets.

Conclusion:I was absolutely aware that this bracelet was a potential lifestyle item this month, but I was really rooting for the boxer shorts (again). Every month it seems like they’re giving out good quality boxer-briefs and let me tell you, there is nothing in the world so fantastic as wearing a brand new pair of high quality boxer-briefs. Try as I might, this leather wrist band would never pass for a pair of underwear. All in all, I’m still enamored with my subscription to Birchbox. I’m trying out products I would have never bought in a million years, and it’s awesome getting goodies sent to my door each month