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The BPA I Think We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

ToeJam - BPA feat David Byrne and Dizzee Rascal

If you hear the words "David Byrne", what's your first physical impulse? Does thinking about the middle-aged statesman of new wave and such make you feel all happy and pastel coloured and sweet like the lady at the beginning of this week's video?

What about if I asked you to think about Dizzee Rascal? Would the very thought of the big, cuddly, grimy grimemaster of British grime make you want to invite all your friends over and have a big lovely party?

And what if I said that you could have both of those? And what if I also agreed to throw in Norman Cook and his erstwhile collaborator, producer Simon Thornton - working here together under the name of the Brighton Port Authority (or BPA). If I did that, might you then suddenly take all your clothes off and start bouncing around in the altogether?

Because those people almost certainly would. In fact, they would. Look at them go.

Luckily, the Black Rectangle department of the local video production company has been very busy indeed. And, wherever there might be - how to put this gracefully? - a balcony full of bouncing bald men, there is a rectangle. Wherever there is a more glorious sight of some marvellous sunken garden - or even the glimpse of a garden hose - there is a black rectangle.

When the people cover anything that could be considered rude with their hands, there is no rectangle (just hands) - when they cover other bits instead, the rectangle magically reappears - so no bits ever get seen (or almost never*). It's very clever.

Basically, there are upstairs rectangles, and there are downstairs rectangles, and whenever someone makes a rude gesture with their index finger, there is a circle.

This does, of course, mainly work in motion. So you just have to watch to properly understand, as words alone cannot convey it. But just in case you have watched this lovely little slice of creative genius already, and do understand, and are simply seeking some tips on how you and your friends can re-enact these clever tableaux in the safety of your very own home or a 1970s-themed porno studio, here are some handy tips.

2. You will either need to ask your friends to bring their own large black cardboard rectangles, or make your own. You will need
- some cardboard
- some black paint
- some sticky-backed plastic
- some genital hair wax (you will be glad later)
- a sharp knife and an adult to help with this.

3. It is important that any bits that could be considered rude should be shaded at all times from public view, so while sticking the cardboard to the bits with the sticky-backed plastic will be effective for full-frontal conversations, once you get into more exciting situations, like large-scale games of imaginary Pong, you will need something more flexible.

pong BPA

4. In these situations you might want to train bees to hold up the black rectangles for you, perhaps by attaching ribbons to the corner and getting them to hold the ribbons in their little bee teeth. Of course, you can also tie the ribbons around the bees if you cannot entice them to open their mouths. The bees will then be asked to follow their dedicated naked person covering their shame from every conceivable angle.

Please note, if the rectangles are attached by a fixed point, marvellous effects like The Propellerwang can be achieved.

propellerwang BPA

But as this requires judicious use of a drawing pin (or a crack team of ribbon-bees) there is a great deal of trust involved.

Best of all, getting up close and personal with your friends in all manner of interesting positions can lead to the judicious spelling of words.

Here, our display team are spelling out the name of this particular song:

toejam BPA

Do not allow yourself to be limited by lack of imagination. Anything is possible, from the name of a local politician you might be wanting to support in a byelection, to whole sentences like 'Ow, your elbow is on my nipple'. The world is your big dirty oyster. Enjoy!

Watch it here or via their MySpace thing

*NB Oh alright, when I say 'almost never' seeing nudity - it's actually never. Though that doesn't stop the YouTube versions of it being full of desperate little boys having exchanges like:
"I think I saw a naked boob at 1.10!"
"LOL - that was a manboob, N00b!"
And urgently enquiring where they might find the uncensored version of the video. Which seems to be rather missing the point.