A blog written in the dead of night and delivered to you in a brown paper bag. It’s a cornucopia of tidbits, rants, and observations for the discerning eye. Good luck with all that. Now, for something completely different!

Once again, the two dueling democratic candidates split primaries and came out fighting. Barack Obama has moved within 100 delegates of officially taking the nomination, but Clinton had another very lopsided victory in Kentucky. Like she has been right along, Hillary vows to stay in the race to the bitter end. She’s not giving up and wants the country to know it. Clinton won at least 47 delegates in the two states and Obama won at least 32, according to an analysis of election returns by The Associated Press. So far Clinton has actually gained more delegates than Obama and trimmed his lead. All the Kentucky delegates were awarded, but there were still 24 to be allocated in Oregon, and Obama was in line for many of them. As the primary season comes to an end, it is beginning to appear that neither candidate will actually have a decisive amount for the convention. Though many, including Obama are claiming he has the nomination sewed up, there still could be some surprises. Somehow I keep feeling, his overconfidence is going to come back and bite him. There are some very strong calls for Clinton to stay in, particulary from the Women’s voter base. They’re taking out ads encouraging Clinton and trying to raise more money and support. This one certainly is not going to be over until the former First Lady sings. Or her husband plays sax.

CHILD ARRESTED FOR DRUNK DRIVING

This story is just wrong on so many levels. An Arkansas pre-teen faces a drunken driving charge after he and a friend drank his parents’ beer and crashed his stepfather’s pickup truck. Sheriff Jimmy Dorney said the 12-year-old boy and his 10-year-old friend drove off in the truck May 4 to find a girl they met at a rodeo. Ok, drunk adolescents chasing an adolescent girl. This is seriously backwoods south cliche. The boys made it about 10 miles before the 12-year-old lost control of the truck. Dorney said the truck hit and jumped over a guardrail, sending it careening 50 feet down a steep hill into a forest. Clark James, who lives down the road from the crash site, said he answered the boys’ banging at his front door with shotgun in hand about 2:30 a.m. “I opened the door and the first thing the boy said to me was, ‘I’m drunk and I had a wreck,'” James said. “I looked at him and I thought ‘You’re kind of young to be out drinking. And you sure shouldn’t be driving.'” Well that’s a no brainer. No one was paying attention to these kids? Was there a NASCAR race somewhere?

NEW YORK RESTAURANT TOPS BURGER IN GOLD

A good burger is one of my favorite things, but this is a bit over the top-pings. A Manhattan restaurant is offering a hamburger that costs $175 and is topped with gold. And I complain about a $6.00 burger. It’s made of Kobe beef. It comes with black truffles, foie gras and Gruyere cheese in addition to gold flakes. What, no mayo? This shows you how gourmet I am, I’ve never heard of any of this crap other than gold, and I’m not about to eat that. Wall Street Burger Shoppe co-owner Heather Tierney thinks of it as “a work of art.” Tierney says the item attracts Wall Street types who down a few beers and then fork over $175 to show off to their friends. you’d think if they can afford that much for their burger, they’d have something to drink a little more stylish than a brew.

75 YEAR OLD ATTEMPTS MOUNT EVEREST

75-year-old Yuichiro Miura of Japan is trying to be the oldest man to ever reach the summit of Mount Everest. This is one guy who doesn’t believe in growing old gracefully. He is accompanied by his son, Gota. Yuichiro is a professional skier who in 1970 became the first person to ski down Mount Everest using a parachute as a brake. Miura was into extreme sports before it was popular. He was diagnosed a few years ago with a heart arrhythmia. He says his greatest challenge is how his heart will hold up. Well, if he doesn’t make it. I have no doubt that he going to give it his best shot. No rocking chairs for him!

URINAL VIDEO GAME FOR TWO

The Belgians have come up with a solution for what to do when you are using the urinal in the public bathroom. It’s the urinal video game for two. Two beer fans out there have created a video game called “Place to Pee,” in which players race down ski slopes and kill aliens while whizzing. Apparently how you aim is how you play the game. Sensors inside the urinal keeps your game tally. The game is the creation of software developer Werner Dupont and electrical engineer Bart Geraets, who had consumed considerable beer when the idea dawned on them. There’s a revelation. They probably figured out the specs on a beer coaster. Now you don’t have to experience that uncomfortable silence when standing next to someone in the bathroom. Play with them instead. See how well you can score. Ladies, you don’t have to feel left out. They’ve invented a special cup attachment just for you.

Stephen Jacobson, a design engineer has created an exoskeleton that can increase his strength 20 times normal. It is a robotic suit that a man fits inside and can accomplish tasks that no normal human could even dream of doing. Jameson works for the development and design firm, Sarcos Inc. in Salt Lake City and is under a two year contract with the U.S. Army. Talk about reminiscent of Tony Stark and Stark industries. Though the suit is much bulkier than Ironman’s streamlined sci-fi look, it is only in the beginning stages but it does operate with many of the same principles in mind. Sarcos’ Jacobsen envisions factory workers someday using the technology to perform manual labor more easily, and firefighters more quickly carrying heavy gear up stairwells of burning buildings. Disabled people also may find uses for the technology. “We see the value being realized when these suits can be built in great numbers for both military and commercial uses, and they start coming down in cost to within the range of the price of a small car,” said Jacobsen. From Comic to reality, we could have a bunch of Ironmen running around. I think Marvel Comics should ask for royalties on this one.

CAN’T EVEN TRUST A SCOUT ANYMORE.

A former Bethlehem, Pennsylvania woman will serve up to 23 months in prison for having her 7-year-old son dress as a Cub Scout to collect money for a nonexistent cause. Now that’s just low. Sally Ann Gombocz, 51, told a Northampton County judge she wanted to apologize to anyone she hurt. I’ll bet she did. Getting your kid to panhandle as a cub scout is seriously twisted. She previously pleaded guilty to theft by deception and corruption of a minor. Gombocz had her boy tell people he was raising money for a camping trip and collected all of $69. Gombocz was sentenced Friday to six to 23 months in the county slam. She also was fined $2,000, ordered to perform community service, take parenting classes, have psychological counseling and submit to random urine screens. She also must pay restitution. I wonder if it was all worth it? That’s what you get for trying to give the scouts a black eye.

WHAT ARE THESE GUYS PHOTOGRAPHING?

OK, they didn’t teach me about this in my photography class. Check out where these cameras are aimed. How come I never get invited to these kinds of photo ops? People are aressted for taking these kinds of pictures. Actually I’ve written about people arrested for taking these kinds of pictures. It appears, in Asia, anything goes, including the lens up the skirt.

GIRLFRIEND STABS BOYFRIEND ACCIDENTALLY DURING WEIRD SEX.

Catherine McCoubrey, 25, and her 24-year-old partner had been drinking heavily. It’s amazing how alcohol would figure into this. He apparently asked her to carve the shape of a heart in him during what prosecutors called “rough sex” in February 2007, but unfortunately, she pressed too deeply. Someone has been living in the woods too long. Defence lawyer John McAmmond said the unnamed victim introduced his client to “body modification”, and had carved himself with knives before. Get a hobby. I’m thinking, something that doesn’t deal with sharp objects. McCoubrey, from Winnipeg in Canada, has now been given three years’ probation after pleading guilty to assault. The boyfriend has taken her back. Someone put the knives away.

VINCE YOUNG PARTY ANIMAL

Another NFL Quarterback parties hard. Vince Young was caught in a bar in Austin, Texas, throwing back tequila with the best of them. Matt Leinart was caught about a month ago doing beer bongs with sorority girls at his house. It appears Young took this as a challenge and is trying to outdo Leinart. Vince forgot one very important thing though, the sorority girls! It appears from these pictures that Vince may have walked into the wrong bar. I wonder if they’re listening to the Village People? Is this a male topless bar? Are those bedroom eyes looking at Vince in the second picture? Could he be the Tennessee Titan?

At an auction in Edinburough, Scotland 35 original poems of noted bad poet William Topaz McGonagall has out sold Harry Potter at an auction. A collector paid $12,840 for the self published 1890’s work. This proves that if you do something badly, it can still be profitable. Unfortuantely you’ll have to be dead for it to come to pass. The price paid beat out a collection of incribed Harry Potter books which were sold at the same auction for $12,000. McGonagall’s lack of talent was matched only by his delusion and ego. Along with the 35 poems were a portfolio of posters and two copies of his rather short autobiography – “dedicated to himself, knowing none greater.” McGonagall was so bad that he kept an umbrella with him during recitals to shield him from all the rotten tomatoes that were thrown at him. Ah, poetry lovers. The buyer has remained anonymous because he doesn’t want the ridicule of being identified as a fan. Personally, I’d be proud to show that I have a collection of the worst poetry known to mankind, but then, I like the Rocky Horror Picture show.

MAN TRIES TO SELL WIFE ON EBAY

Want to pick up a used…wife? High milage. Paul Osborn, a UK man, has tried to get rid of his wife by posting her for auction on Ebay! It’s official, you really can find anything on Ebay. Osborn found out his wife, Sharon was cheating on him with a co-worker. It was Osborn’s way of letting the world know she was an adulterous, lying, cheating, well, you get the idea. In the listing he suggest that people not bid on her as she’s apparently not worth diddly in his opinion. I can’t say as I blame him. He also has given out the name of her lover, Richard Drew who is also married along with his address, and phone number. Ebay was rather prompt in taking the auction down, probably because they weren’t going to make anything on the auction. Minimum bid, a pence. If he would have been able to complete the auction, it might have saved him some divorce costs. I wish I’d have thought of this for my Ex.

CHARLES BARKLEY GAMBLING DEBT

Wow, former NBA star Charles Barkley owes a casino in Vegas $400,000! Now I’m sure athletes are overpaid. People jump out of windows for things like that. The casino has made repeated calls to Barkley trying to get the debt paid, but he didn’t respond. It took a call from the local prosecutor to get him to own up. He now says he’ll pay the debt since he’s “not broke.” Did he think they were just going to forget about it? People have ended up in umarked graves for less. Over the years Barkley estimates he’s gambled away over $10 million. “Do I have a gambling problem? Yeah, I do have a gambling problem,” Barkley said. “But i don’t consider it a problem because I can afford to gamble.” Well, not paying your debts makes it look like you can’t afford it. Just remember if a couple of guys named Guido start hanging around, you HAVE a problem.

DOES YOUR VODKA BOTTLE TALK?

Do you drink alone? Do you prefer to be by yourself? Well, the Russians have come up with a cure for that. it’s the vodka bottle that talks back. The BBC is reporting that Russians are about to begin marketing a brand of vodka with a bottle that talks. I’ve always felt that if my bottle is talking, it’s time to go home. Welcome to the alcoholically induced world of microprocessors. You’ve got to love those crazy Russians. Yes, now you can have a drinking buddy in a bottle. Apparently when ever you open the top, it’s the top that talks, it will offer a variety of Russian toasts and encourage you to drink up. Personally I’ve never needed much encouragement. Now here’s the fun part. The more the top is opened the more the bottle’s speech becomes slurred. Yes your bottle gets drunk with you. The perfect date. When the bottle’s empty, you’ve outdrank your buddy. Hopefully he’s not the one driving home.

I'm an Author, Journalist, Columnist, Photographer, Editor and Publisher and have been writing for about 30 years. For several years I published my own magazine about Michigan's Upper Peninsula. I live in Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan. Currently I've been blogging around the internet - MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT MY OTHER HUMOR BLOG "What Were They Thinking?" AT: http://mikelclassen.wordpress.comTo learn more about the writer behind the blog, go his website at www.mikelclassen.com Sign the guestbook while you're there.