Saturday

"I like/where we are/when we drive/in your car/I like/where we are/here/Our lips/can touch/and our cheeks/can brush/Our lips/can touch/here/'Cause you are the one, the one who lies close to me/whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"/I fell in love/in love with you suddenly/Now there's no place else I could be/but here in your arms/(music)/I like/where you sleep/when you sleep/next to me/I like/where you sleep/here/Our lips/can touch/and our cheeks/can brush/Our lips/can touch/here...."

Hellogoodbye sings this and I love this song. Everytime I hear it, I think of Oddity. Because it's true; I like when we drive in his car, 'cause I get to touch him. And when I sleep over... it's heaven. I do, I miss him terribly. And there's no place else I want to be but in his arms.

I want to say so many things. I love the way he tastes, the way he sounds; the looks on his face. I adore his smile. His laughter, his pissy moods (this could just be new relationship energy, as my coven leader asserts), his driving, the way he sleeps (mi carita de angel). I love his eyes, his hands, his neck; the way his head is shaped. Lordie, it's bad. I want him all the time. And not necessarily to have sex. I just want to touch him, to know he's real. I really enjoy ... wow, do I have the balls to say that here? Let's just say he definitely triggers my oral fixation. He loves me!!! He thinks, as I do, that we're ideal for each other!

I might not see him for more than seven days this week. It is going to hurt. I need to be more adult about this, but it's hard. Wow, that sentence is so loaded!

I want to write poems about him; he does a good job writing them, but I find myself resorting to songs. That's where I end up, compiling music that reminds me of him. Recently, he posted Let Me Be Your Armor by Assemblage 23 for me. He posted She's My Addiction for me. That sort of stuff gets me every time. I want to post the first part of "Romancing the Stone" by State of the Union for him (the second part is for A).

Friday

it SUCKS when I'm hormonal/emotional. Stupid shit makes me cry. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Little disappointments become, in this emotional state, momentous. Sheesh. When I get like this, I soar high or drop like a stone and it's not comfortable. I feel physical pain, like my heart is breaking, or - if it's happy stuff - as if it were trying to lift out of my chest. I shake, I feel hollow. I ate twice this morning to stave this sort of situation off, but I guess it's just a byproduct of my physiological and psychological makeup and I'll have to live through it. Well, the good side to this is that I feel everything acutely - so when I am happy, and having a good time, I'm REALLY having a good time! Listening to my mp3 player which is full of all sorts of love songs and ballads. At least, I don't feel that overwhelmingly obsessive desire/need to be with Oddity; it's calming down. I'm looking for work. Want to clean the house and get rid of all the crap, so that I can consolidate Teri's things and move her into the attic with me, so that Capt. A can have his space and let us stay there - I have no way to get an apartment or support one for the next six months, unless I get a better paying job (has to pay 12-15/hr and that may not be possible). I also have to drive. I can drive. I need the road experience.I bet all these worries are what's triggering this hormonal emotional storm. Fuck.

Thursday

"So far away/doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore/it would be so fine to see your face at my door/and it doesn't help to know/you're just time away/Long ago I reached for you and/there you stood/holding you again could only do me good/how I wish I could/but you're so/far away//One more song about moving along the highway/can't say much of anything that's new/if I could only work this life out my way/I'd rather spend it/being close to you....."

Wednesday

This day's an invitation/And it's just for you/You've got a reservation/For the 17th of June/Open your eyes and let/the sun break in for a while/There may be something/That you've never seen inside (never seen inside) /Feel how your heart beats like a heavy machine/The sound of the traffic is like a far, silent dream/The dust in the park - the exhaust from the cars/Ascends in that heated afternoon -you touch a sweaty body! / Summer in Berlin, it's alright (it's alright)/The day feels so tired/From the lead in the air and the fire in the skies/Life seemed to be a fault of grace but it's ok/It gave you a kiss/In the middle of the crossroads" Summer in Berlin, Alphaville

I got to the bus station just about at 5pm, and Oddity was waiting for me on the 16th. We talked awhile - I had to bring him up to speed on my kids; of course, this pisses everyone off. We got home with some groceries and I started cooking (because that's how I was brought up). We ate dinner and curled up on the couch - I wanted to watch a Love and Rocket video that he has. We cuddled and played around then went to bed. There are things we like doing together that I shan't note here, but we had fun and we slept happy. We should have gotten up early to go to the beach but we took our time and had more fun. I love to make him feel good.

I had the song playing in my head; it is for this reason that I took the 17th off. He offered to take me to Wildwood (where he goes with his mom to vacation every year). The drive was long, but we talked and relaxed and I love to see him in profile. I love to watch him talk, and drive; smile or frown. We got to the beach at about 12 and it was simply GLORIOUS. We had crossword puzzles and music and people watching and talking and holding of hands and ice cream (several times!) and taking sun - I got truly sunburned! - and the only bad thing is that his ear got stuffed up that morning and it was bothering him. I wish I could have taken that for him!

We walked practically the length of the beach AND the broadwalk. He showed me the places he visited when with his mom, and what they did, and the people he met, where he parked, the stores that disappeared, stories about people they see every year, the clubs and how they are migrating to suit the yuppy/college crowd, condo buying et al folks. We watched the scary rides and the water rides and In Between days was playing at some point at the water park area.

We ate at the Lobster Shack - deLIcious! - and just strolled. It was a perfect day, truly, to spend with him. I love being around him to listen to him talk, to speak to him.

On our way home, the conversation again turned to the kids. I know he gets pissed off about them, and I wish I could keep this out of the conversation now. But he cares, and that is endearing. Otherwise, we saw the sun set, a military airplane land (sorta), the full moon rising. We drove past where his mom worked and lived for a while. His auto accident was sometime around late 1990. This and his dad's death figure very large in his life, as does his brother and his mom.

We got home and got ready for bed, but sleep wasn't the first thing on the menu. Again, this was perfect. I can't imagine any better close to a perfect day. And then this morning, the 18th, I made him feel good again - I love doing that. I truly do.

I daydream of moving to Lancaster to be close to him, or learning to drive. When I got home, I did drive A's new Ford Escape to repark it. It is easier the second time around. it really is. I will drive by his birthday. I need to; I need to make progress and break free of my prison.