Often times we see age differences in dating couples, maybe a year or two, but when we see major gaps it is most notably between an older man and a younger woman. There have been famous cases for this i.e. Anna Nicole Smith and that old guy, the Playboy bunnies and Hef, and so on and so forth. But alas….. just like 30 is the new 20, older women have become the hunters.

I have to admit that I can foresee this in my future. If for some strange reason I’m not married by the time I’m 30, and my 30+ situation doesn’t work out, then I’m going full Cougar. I’ve never dated a younger man, but even JG* has weaknesses, and recently a young one has tapped into those. He and I don’t fit into the “Half Plus Seven Rule” (see below) but I’m 3 years removed from college, and he’s still enjoying the ride. I can’t help it though. He’s so cute and untarnished. Life is still so sweet to him, and no one has broken his heart. Even though the gap is not that big, he still looks at me like “the older woman” and something about that is kinda hot. I just want to spoil him. He wants me to fly down and visit him, I just want to send him a ticket to come see me. Crazy right!? This is not the JG* we all know and love.

So ladies, ever been in Cougar mode? Men: ever been cougar bait? Why is it so much more social acceptable for older men to date younger women? According to somebody’s random census data that I’m not directly quoting, but women are more likely to outlive their male partners by seven years. So, it only makes sense that I should be looking for a man at least 7 years younger than me so that we can grow old and die together.

both JG* and i have some of the meanest shoe collections and are both lovers of the color red so naturally we had to participate in this project. outside of the obvious reasons of vanity, the project is aimed at increasing awareness in AIDS and HIV to young (and older) women.

today’s blog won’t be a typical rant per normal, rather a directed rant instead. i received the following question from one of our readers:

does your man come close to what u imagine a man to be? and does that image allow u to say fuck it at his short comings?

you know, it’s funny that this question came up. yesterday i was chatting with a friend of mine about how he wants for his marriage to be and he touched on something similar to this. he said that he wanted his wife to want him regardless of all his flaws and still want to love him and cater to him and he would do the same. now that i’m done reminiscing, let me answer the questions.

as was announced with my 5000th tweet, i’m a divorcee. my wusband is one of the most wonderful men in the world and he will make some woman the luckiest woman in the world–but that just couldn’t be me. as with most women, i had a mold that i wanted him to fit in. however, i don’t believe in changing people to be what you want them to be so i had to let him go free.

to answer the second question, seeing as though our marriage didn’t last, i don’t think that i could look over his shortcomings and i think that he deserves someone who wants him as he is and how most of us are–in progress.

phew! that was kind of hard to answer but now readers, it’s your turn to answer the question. do you have a “type” or specific qualities that you look for? what are some of the things that you are unwilling to compromise on? or simply give feedback!

I’m not saying we don’t like it hard and fast. But at least let me beg for it. Do not get to drilling the minute you enter paradise. Seriously. Where are you trying to go? I need men to take more time out to love and learn the female anatomy. I won’t post pictures here because this isn’t science class and I need y’all men to get out there and do the work yourselves! We talked about size last week, but the other important piece to that puzzle is how you work it. I said sized did matter, and I stand by that, however, don’t think that just because you are carrying around the “baby’s arm” that you can slang it however you want.

Listen closely. The Vagina, Vagine, Vajayjay, Nonny, P-Pie, whatever is full of great and fantastical nerves. However, those nerves cease existing in the bottom third of the honey pot. So all that drilling and jackrabbiting you are doing, isn’t as effective as you think it is. “Bottoming out” can be a good time if it’s done right. That part of our anatomy can be painful if constantly hit or “drilled” so all that screaming you’re hearing is her way of attempting to tell you to stop, while still trying to continue to stroke your Male Ego™ as well as your prized possesion.

Let me show you a little educational video that is sincerely important for today’s lesson.

I was really searching for a way to use the good words of Ms. Alexyss K. Tyler. LOL

It’s all about how you employ your movements. Mix it up a little. Keep us guessing. Bring us to the edge with one move, then push us over with the next. I posted a link last week that may have gone unnoticed but I think it’s important to bring up again. Sex Info 101 is a FANTABULOUS resource for random positions. But please, study this. Use your knowledge of the anatomy, this link, and her body wisely. Do not try to bend your women up like a pretzel when she aint built to twist like that. Don’t put yourself in suspect positions trying to be freaky, because we might not catch the drift.

All I’m saying men is treat the Wishing Well like you would treat anything that you loved. With love and adoration. The Ying Yang Twins can have a song in which they constantly repeat “Beat the P***y up” only because they probably rarely get any. But I don’t want my poontang beaten up. Why on earth would I want that? I like it rough, but I want to be able to walk tomorrow. Men, just listen to her body. When she wants it hard, she’ll tell you, when her brain starts to scramble from the nailing you’re giving her, she’ll tell you to stop. Please listen. 🙂

Y’all know which part I’m talking about in the above clip. THAT’S how you drill.

I’m really tired (read: Lazy) from traveling up the eastern seaboard. I seem to live in NYC when I’m not in ATL. If you live in NYC, holla at ya girl a good place that I MUST visit. So I thought instead of writing a half-assed wack post, I’d cross post another post from another blog that I write. Some of you probably saw it from my tweeting, but I’m willing to bet many of you didn’t. It’s a really good post, and I want you guy’s thoughts on it. Check it out.

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Necole Bitchie had a blog recently about how Michael Jai White’s wife Courtney proposed to him because she was tired of waiting. Ms. Bitchie was simply putting it out there that maybe it is ok for women to propose considering that our men are acting as if they don’t want to. I implore you to pop over there and take a look. She also quoted a very important quote that I’ll share with you over here.

“A stunned White beamed a Kool-Aid smile and responded affirmatively. “I was pleasantly shocked and didn’t feel emasculated at all, ” admits White. ”I immediately said ‘yes’ because I knew that I was going to spend the rest of my life with her whether we got married or not.”

Now, here’s where I get started. Well before I get into that quote, let me just say my piece on the topic. I for one, will not be proposing to no man, no time soon. Call me a traditionalist, call me conservative, call me Susan, I don’t care (Sorry Whitney). I just have very solid ideas for how relationships and marriage should work, and I hope to see those things through for myself. I honestly don’t feel as though my *hang-ups* regarding not proposing to a man will end up in me being single for life. In this day and age it seems like the lines are getting reeeeeaaaaaal blurry when it comes to who is the woman and who is the man. I believe in equal pay for women, and women’s rights and such, but (and maybe it’s my religious beliefs) I do believe that there are certain roles we play in relationships that allow things to work cohesively. No matter who makes the most money in my household the man will be the man and I will be the woman. That means he can act as provider, he can fix stuff, and I can be the nurturer and I can run the family. Doing these things doesn’t take away from my independence, my ability to also have a job or anything else (see: Michelle Obama, Claire Huxtable), or even not allow us to occasionally do things in the other’s role. This meaning, he cooks, or I mow the lawn. With that being said, AINT NO WAY, I’m going to let a man think he can be with me for the rest of my life with or without a spiritual commitment. The Bible says (here I go) “He who finds a wife, finds a good thing.” Not.. “She who finds a husband has found a good thing too.” I give props to Mrs. White (or is he Mr. Chatman?) for stepping to the plate and “putting a ring on it.” It just wouldn’t be me.

His above quote shows just how willing he was to keep her waiting for that special day. Was he planning on having children with her? While many feel like marriage is not a requirement for having children, I for one don’t plan on putting the cart before the horse. Things happen, true, but I don’t want to plan on it. In her situation she had only been dating him for a year. To her that may have been too long, and the pressure to get married may have been strong. I don’t think that’s too long to date before getting married so I know I wouldn’t have been feeling the itch too bad. However, to me, if its been years and he’s not asking, I wouldn’t feel like marriage is something he wanted and proposing to him instead would be the last thing on my mind.

I really do wish the best for Mrs. & Mr. Chatman(white?) because no matter how they got there I love to see beautiful married couples. I just can’t wrap my mind around how I could possibly feel comfortable or good knowing that I had to ask HIM, and then knowing that he was content to never ask me at all!

What do the people say? Am I out of the loop and doomed for life until I accept this as a possible reality for myself? Was Beyonce off the mark and instead of being in the club, doin her own lil thing she should have put a ring on him? Who buys the ring? Surely she does. Then who puts it on who? Someone please, tell me how this works!

Behind Closed Doors is going to be a weekly “column” of mine dealing strictly with sex and relationships from my own experiences, my friend’s, and just other observations through conversations or stories that have been passed down. Enjoy. 🙂

Is the Sex enough?

No girl wants to admit it because sometimes we don’t notice it. We use sex to get our way. That’s why make up sex is so effective. An ex of mine and I used to have this rule: If after an argument we have sex, the argument is dead and moot. There is no bring it back up, the sex has resolved all issues. But did it really? It’s like a transfer of power. Men always want to say that we control all of the power. The power of the P-Pie (as my uncle calls it), the Nonny, the Cookie, whatever you want to call it. Any gentleman will tell you that he proceeds with only the highest level of caution towards the honey pot, and only at the behest of a willing lady. However, women end up with the caught feelings, the parading around in our most scandalous of scantily-clad skivvies, and in the end the strongest heartbreak. Why is that? It’s because while we ladies have the lock, the men have the key and they know that we’ll do anything to keep it if it fits.

Let me give you some examples of the point I’m attempting to illustrate.

I was reading another blog once and the author mentioned how it’s hard for men to break up with women. The main reason? Because make-up sex is so damn good. The man goes in to end it, she starts crying, the good head game comes out, and it’s a wrap. Dwele mentioned this power of persuasion in his song Shady: “she followed it up with head shots called fellatio/ She found my weakness that shady mother f*er…” So is the sex enough? The problem is I don’t think it is. In this case, the man no longer wants to be in the situation, but the woman uses the power of ultimate man-confusion and he’s down for the count not thinking clearly. The dust will settle, and out hearts will pay for it.

Erykah Badu (congrats on the new baby. It was wild seeing her tweet during labor) sang in Green Eyes/Too Late: “just make love to me/ just one more time and then you’ll see/ I can’t believe I made a desperate plea/ what’s with me?”

But we do this. We think the sex is enough. We think if he will feel us just that one last time, it’ll be enough to convince him that the good times are far better than the bad times, and that they are right around the corner again. I’m sorry ladies but it’s true and it happens. Maybe you’ve grown out of it and you’re better for it, maybe you still do it without thinking. I’m not talking about the women who use sex for money or what have you even though in the Dwele song, she was clearly shady. I’m talking about how sometimes we put our hearts on our Nonny’s thinking that it’ll be easier for him to catch it if it’s there.

Tough lesson to learn I guess, but you soon realize that a man will never say no to vagina, especially one he’s familiar and comfortable with. Even it means letting you think for a little while that he’s there to stay. We gotta get better at spotting the real from the fake. Is it possible? Is abstinence the only way? Do we have to surpress our desires and urges just to keep our hearts intact? Or can we learn to play his games too?

Gather ’round ranters while I tell you a tale. It’s true, but names have been changed to protect everybody! It’s long but it’s so worth it.

So a friend of mine (we’ll call her Beyonce) has a real cushy job. She does actually have work to do, but her projects pop up rarely, and she’s so good that she gets them done quick fast in a hurry and perfect. So she spends most of her time relaxing, surfing the net, and any other random things she can think to do. Her boss knows this, so it’s not an issue. Things were going well until…….. She* called. It was like any other call.

This would happen daily to every other day. Bey kind of put together that Ashanti was the girlfriend, but she didn’t care. She thought it was funny because Jay is married, or separated, and he still be trying to tell the wifey what to do. She can hear him on the phone with her from her office. So weeks and months pass by and Bey starts to get the feeling that Ashanti might be kind of crazy. Sometimes she would hear her boss’s cell phone ringing off the hook and when he did answer, angry words were shared. When Ashanti would call the office, Jay would answer and hang up.

Eventually, Bey’s concerns were confirmed. One day Ashanti called and angrily asked to speak to Jay. When Bey told Jay that Ashanti was on the line he directed her to lie and say he wasn’t there. When Bey did this Ashanti went wild. She accused Bey of lying and after a few bitter words she hung up. Bey was instantly surprised. This was none of her business and she was not happy being put in the middle of it. Jay apologized to Bey, and she thought that was it. Lo! It was not! Ashanti calls back and Bey is forced to tell her again. Ultimately Bey didn’t mind telling the crazy girl to effectively “Go sit down”. She has a cushy job and gets paid to do very little. No need to ruin it over drama that’s not even hers. After 4 or 5 more attempts Ashanti finally gave up for the day.

But that wasn’t it. The next day, Bey answers the phone.

“Hello, may I please speak to Jay? This is Ashanti”…She says it like it’s not obvious and this road has never been travelled before.

Bey: “I’m sorry, he’s on the other line right now. Can I take a message?”

Craziness: I KNOW YOU’RE LYING! I DON’T CARE! I WANT TO TALK TO HIM NOW!!!!!!

Bey: I’m sorry, he’ll call you back later, thank you!

Craziness: Listen Bey! I have a bottle of pills that I’m going to take! And when I kill myself it’ll be ALL YOUR FAULT!!

Bey: *extremely freaked out* Hold please. Jay, Ashanti said she’s going to kill herself. Would you like to talk to her?

Jay: Nope, tell her I’m on the other line.

Bey: He’s on the other line, Ashanti.

*click*

Bey is now a little worried. Clearly she’s insane. A few hours go by and Bey thinks she’s in the clear. The phone rings, and her heart speeds up.

This goes on for a few weeks. Every other day or so, Ashanti calls, polite at first, then increasingly ruder. Jay continues to apologize and eventually places a restraining order against her. Things settle down. A few weeks later, Jay moves his office to his new townhome. He tells Bey, that her office will be on the first level, his on the second, and of course his living space will be on the third. Bey thinks to herself, it’s definitely an upgrade, but she hopes Ashanti is never stopping by.

Moving day: They get to the new place and it’s beautiful. Bey’s set up is nice, secluded, and extra plush. The boss is out of her hair, and life is good. That is until Kelly stops by. Kelly is a rude sort of something, and she’s acting all crazy. Speeding up and down the street and acting a fool. She’s definitely irritable. Jay introduces her as Kelly, and Kelly barely looks at Bey. Bey is confused. Clearly Jay only messes with crazy chicks. She wonders if Ashanti knows about Kelly and vice versa. At the end of moving day, Kelly tells Jay she wants all three of them to have a conversation. Bey was with the telephone man when she overheard this request. Initially she thought “hell to the naw” but Jay tells her it’s ok and she goes to see what the deal is.

Kelly wants Jay to apologize for telling Bey to lie for him. Jay does and Bey just stands there confused. She’s never taken a call from Kelly, only Ashanti. Who ARE this people? What’s going on!?

It turns out, Kelly and Ashanti are the same person. She has two personalities and Kelly is the slightly more stable one. Jay is always complaining about this “crazy bitch” yet he’s still with her. Bey counted on her caller ID that Ashanti/Kelly calls the house approximately 57 times a day. Clearly, PSYCHO.

So. What should I tell Bey to do? In this economy finding a new job is like believing Kelly/Ashanti will get it together. Impossible. Bey’s going to be leaving soon anyways. Should Bey talk to her boss or not since he’s clearly crazy too for being involved with the weirdo(s). Or should she leave it alone since no one has ever done anything to her (yet)?

Fin.

Can’t wait to see these comments. 🙂

*”She” is clearly the devil.

P.S. Clearly this is Crazy Woman month. I believe this calls for a “Bitch, Breathe”

Like the great T.I. said “Match ya panties with bra get your Sh*t together”

Seriously though. He had a good point. A while back I blogged about what men have to do to even get to the point of sticking. Well ladies, don’t think you got off easy. I’m not 100% on the “he needs to be paying to get my hair and nails done” thing. I feel like if he’s my boyfriend, then I will appreciate such a treat, but it’s not anything I expect. My mama raised me to make sure I keep that stuff in check on my own. So with that said here is the list ladies.

Match your Panties with your Bra.

I used to be on the “but do you KNOW how expensive that is?” Excuses for days. I’m also not saying that you should have 30 pairs of panties and 30 bras that all match. Be smart about it. Make sure they match for HIM. Also, 3 pairs of panties with different prints may match 1 bra. And finally, Victoria’s Secret is not the only place that makes good cute bras. I discovered Target a few years ago, and I’ve been much better for it. Besides, I love feeling sexy, so I love to match for myself. It’s and added bonus though when he sees that you pay attention to the details. Remember, your undies are the last thing he sees before you take him to the promised land. Make sure it’s a pretty picture.

Keep your hair and nails done.

I also blogged before about the black man’s fetish with pretty feet. It’s a reality people. My mother always said a girl who can’t take care of her feet is saying that she can’t take care of her nonny. She said your feet are the first thing that hit the water. I really took that to heart. Again, you don’t have to get gels/acrylics very two weeks, or have the big-toe design. But do keep them manicured and pretty. And please, invest in a foot loofa. Every time you shower, just do a quick scrub of the feet before you exit. Your S.O. will thank you while you’re spooning and your feet are rubbing up against his legs. He doesn’t want you combing his leg hairs with his feet. Not a good look. And the hair, this can be hard if you don’t know how to do your own hair and times are hard. But if you don’t have a girl you can go to, get a style that is low maintenance for you. But just like I said for men, you have to keep the hair clean. Chances are you are shorter than him, you do not want his nose stuck in your sour milk hair.

Keep the lawn manicured

Some women swear by their natural state. But I would venture to say, that most men in the 20 something range prefer for your lawn to be cut. You can get a good brazilian for anywhere around $25-$65. It’s worth it and it lasts weeks. You can get the landing strip, or go full teenager. Just keep that area free of forestry. I always said men appreciate not having to hunt for the gingerbread house. Too much bush and he might get lost. Not to mention, hair traps sweat and odor. I personally feel it’s just a better look as far as hygiene. I cannot back that with scientific fact, but that’s just how I feel.

Cook for him/Drink with him/Let him kick it with his boys.

I am not so much of an “independent” woman that I can’t get in the kitchen and cook an amazing slap yo’ mama meal. So many women are looking for that “gentleman” but they have forgotten how to be “ladies”. You want him to open doors, take off his jacket and put it over the puddle, pay the bills even if you can afford to (which, Biblically he should) and all sorts of stuff. But then you have no clue how to hard boil an egg. Shame. Guys also want a girl who can drink and hold her own. Not drink him under the table and you have a bigger beer gut than him. But just a show of how you’re comfortable with him, and he can be with you, and you can have a good time too. Lastly, men will love to see you secure enough to let him hang with his boys. The more you are cool with him getting his space, the more he’ll appreciate the time he has with you. He’ll be out with his boys, thinking about that good meal you just made, your sexy hair and nails, and the landing strip awaiting his arrival. He’ll hurry back in no time.

Lately there’s been some talk of female crazy. And it’s so true. It happens. We get caught up and we lose it. All of these things above are sure to drive a man crazy, and they are honestly, all things that we should be doing for ourselves regardless. That’s the ticket to happiness. Take care of your “Star Player” (thanks Katt Williams) and the rest of the team will prosper as well. This is a short list, but I’m not about to let you men folk come in here and start spewing forth all kinds of other randomness like “she should swallow” and blah blah blah. Get it together.

So the topic of the “magic number” has been discussed on other blogs and even here in the comments section ad infinitum. Each side battles it out and nothing has been resolved. Today I would not like to talk about that number in particular, but my issue with the concept that a man’s perception determines a woman’s purity status.

As I discussed before there is a sad black cloud that hangs over black women when it comes to our sexuality. We are controlled by society’s pressures on women period, as well as racial divides. While this is a problem, I see it as something that will be easy to overcome eventually.

What I can’t get over however, is how a man can decide whether or not I, or any other woman, is a hoe. As discussed in “What’s your number” posts, there was no clear cut number that would send a man running to the hills. On a fellow blogger’s recent blog post there were all sorts of complex mathematical equations floating around to determine the impact of a woman’s “magic number”. Using these equations you could take the number 20 and 5 different guys would have 5 different conclusions regarding her “status”. For example:

Guy #1 : “She’s 25, been active since she was 20, so that’s 20 in 5 years, which would be 4 guys a year. That’s not bad.

Guy #2: “Well, she lost her virginity at 20, so she started off slow, in the last year she had 10. That’s too much, she a hoe”

Guy #3: “20 and she’s 25!?! That nasty hoe! I’ve slept with 113 girls and none of them were that loose! And they were all cute!”

Guy #4: “She’s had 20 guys, who cares? Is she healthy?”

Guy #5: “Ok.. 20 is a lot. But! The bulk of them were in college so that’s ok. Awww but damn, that means when we go back to homecoming Ninja’s gonna be pointing and laughing at me. She’s a hoe!”

Why is it that we allow men to dissect our pasts like this? Even if a girl does ask a man’s number it doesn’t seem to probe this far. Many men complain that a high number is expected of them, and anything else would show a lack of experience. Perhaps this is true. I know that between my friends and I, we do not care to know your number, or the nasty things you did with girls X, Y, and Z. All that matters to me are your sexual preferences, and your performance with me. I don’t want a prude and I want someone open to my likes and dislikes, and can teach and learn. Now to be fair, some girls are just loose as hell. Over on the other blog, people talked about girls with 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 guys in one night. I aint never heard of no ish like that. If I knew those girls, I’d have an intervention with them. Holy water for days! LOL

Yet and still, I am really turned off by the fact that any girl can be deemed “ho-ish” at any man’s discretion. I don’t feel this affects me personally for plenty of reasons. Although I feel my numbers are relatively low compared to what some of my male friends have consistently declared as “too high” or “high enough” I am that girl that will refuse to answer this question. Someone mentioned before “if she will lie about this, what else is she lying about?” And I guess that’s fair. I, on the other hand, will simply tell you it is none of your business. Likewise I will not ask you, your business. As long as you’re a healthy and you haven’t had sex with all my girlfriends, or my male best friend, I’m okay.

I think the sooner we start realizing what’s really most important, the sooner the marriage rate will go up.

So I ask dear readers: Am I way off base with this? Men, do you think this is fair? Women, are you tired of being reduced to mere numbers? Where do we go from here?