Stories I’d like to write, Pt. 2

To save money, the school board has proposed that all verbs be eliminated from next year’s textbooks....

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By Joshua Dixon, Staff Writer

Redwood Falls Gazette

By Joshua Dixon, Staff Writer

Posted Dec. 11, 2013 at 12:01 AM

By Joshua Dixon, Staff Writer

Posted Dec. 11, 2013 at 12:01 AM

A while back I mentioned that every now and then I think up a good opening line for a Gazette story I’d like to write someday.

Then reality doesn’t cooperate, and I never get to write the rest of the story.

Here are some more great opening lines I’ve never been able to use:

• You’ll never guess what Karl got his tongue caught in this time!

• To save money, the school board has proposed that all verbs be eliminated from next year’s textbooks.

• When Bob vowed to punch the prizefighter in the face, he didn’t know it was Opposite Day.

• In our culture coffee is a beverage, but to Pacific Islanders it is often used as a musical instrument.

• “Why, the nerve!” said neurologist Dr. Dave Benson.

• As the waves lapped at his ankles, Al realized that perhaps filling the inflatable life rafts with Cheez Whiz “in case I get hungry” wasn’t such a good idea.

• Reuniting the Swedish pop group ABBA became impossible once the singers changed their names to Paavo, Olaf, Olga, and Pietr.

• “How can I crack these walnuts?” Miranda said, idly tossing her flip phone back and forth.

• Correction: at their concert on Tuesday evening, the Reede Gray Elementary School third grade band played “Old McDonald Had a Farm”, not Rachmaninoff’s Symphony No. 2 in C minor, Op. 18.

• Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to....

• A recent study showed that up to 50 percent of schnauzers who live at 610 E. 2nd Street don’t bark in the middle of the night, and let their owners get a good night’s sleep.

• All it took was one minor elective surgery, and life was suddenly rosy again for Lisa and Betty Grabowski.

• “Seafood...again?” snapped Aquaman, pushing away his plate.

• And yet, for all Merle’s griping, the planet Jupiter stubbornly continued on its way.

• You wouldn’t think losing his blankie when he was four years old would inspire Thom to create the greatest textile manufacturing factory in America, but stranger things have happened.

Page 2 of 2 - • The odd thing was, reversing the polarity of the neutron flow actually did improve the flavor of Irene’s bowl of Wheaties.

• “That’s really weird,” said Xjtgoureifritz J. Nmwtrirek.

• Cub Scout meetings got a lot more interesting last week when the rules were changed to allow 80-horsepower gasoline engines to be added to this year’s Pinewood Derby cars.

• While acknowledging the genuine economic benefits to the town, community leaders expressed skepticism over the long-awaited motion picture Plan 10 From Outer Space being photographed in Redwood Falls.

• “All I did was tase him — it’s not like I hugged him or anything,” Clement told the judge.

• The Redwood Falls Community Education department announced this week it would soon be accepting applications for its Gulf of Mexico scuba diving class. Transportaion not included.