(Closed) Recently separated from my husband – Emotional infidelity

I haven’t been here for a while, as you can see in the title many things have been going on in my life and have finally decided to come look for advice and support here.

About a month ago, I found out that my husband went after a woman from his class (he is completing his master). What I mean is, they had a class together and saw each other regularly because of this. She is married too. From day one, he has chased her, asked her if she was married/taken…Asked for her e-mail (and not her number so I would have no way of finding out, as this e-mail he asked her is from their internal server at school). They exchanged several e-mails and would talk, he has flirted with her and told her he was attracted to her and thought she was beautiful. She responded the same. He invited her out, she accepted and they went out.

When I found out who she was, I confronted her and told her I would tell her husband if she did not give me all the details. So she immediately complied and told me everything I just wrote. She also added she was very sorry, and that she loves her husband and it would have never gotten any further (I obviously do not believe it) and that although she did respond to all his actions, he was the one that entirely went after her and that it showed he was the type of man who liked flirting with women.

I have since then asked him to move back in with his brother (they were roomates several years ago before we got married). He has been gone since then and I don’t know what to think. Somedays I hate him, in the beginning he would dare get mad at me, saying that “he didn’t cheat because he didn’t touch her. I am very lost and don’t know what to do. I needed to see what you ladies think. To me, it is a form of infidelity…if it isn’t then why do I feel like I have been cheated on ? All I do is cry, and then be mad, and when I think of her and him, and the way he did all of this so slickly and with so much care so that I would never find anything makes me so very angry and confused.

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself and not taking his excuses! I am SO SORRY you are dealing with this and that he has been treating you this way, and yes, cheating on you! It will be tough but hang in there and stay strong, you will get through this and you will find someone that honors you in every way and with every action!

thirdtimeisthecharm: Thank you…We also have a son together which is why I’m just thinking this all over. I want to be sure I’m right thinking I have been cheated on…he makes it seem – and has actually told me – I am exaggerating. I just don’t know what to do about him, give it time or move on.

What matters is how you feel, not anyone else’s definition, but, yes, this is absolutely cheating and emotional infidelity is rarely just emotional and IMO is far more damaging than physical alone! He was hiding this from the start, he only came clean because you found out and you intervened. TRUST YOUR GUT ALWAYS!

therealbee: I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine anything worse than what you’re going through, sometimes emotional cheating is worse than a drunken one night stand or something purely physical(which are still no-no’s), I think the fact he’s done this over time and when sober shows what kind of man he is, and you should leave him as he clearly doesn’t respect the sanctity of marriage or the vows you made if he’s telling another woman he loves her. You are NOT exaggerating, he sounds like a horrible man trying to make you think any of this is ok or acceptable on his part, he WOULD have slept with her if he hadn’t been caught, please don’t let him convince you otherwise and it meant nothing because it will happen again, if not with her then some other woman.

therealbee: Go YOU!! You are clearly a very strong woman, and maybe my hero! You’ve done good so far, so I have no doubt that no matter how rocky it gets, you will come out all the better for it.

It is infedelity. I wouldn’t be able to go back from that. The lies and deception and overall sleaziness is so disgusting and shameful. Ugh, what a horrible husband! And for you to stay so stong?! You can do BETTER!!!!!

He says he didn’t love her, not even like her. He said he didn’t feel like himself and felt pressure of becoming a dad. But to me that’s even worse…because he is basically telling me he had no reasons at all for doing it, other than the fact he was attracted to her. No feelings for her…just purely out of bad intentions. That’s what sticks in my mind, that’s what makes me think I can never go back no matter what he says. It’s really tough.

therealbee: Im so sorry your dealing with this. I have been in a similar situation (although not with a spouse or with a child involved) and I will say emotionally cheating is cheating and it hurts like hell.

I overheard my SO on the phone with another woman and although he assures me they never were physical, I was still heart broken. I am still with my guy and we have since worked through that. My decision to stay came after about a month of seperation and us both realizing that we would rather be together than apart. It took me almost a year to get over that but I can honestly say than I am.

Now I’m not telling you that you should do what I did. But I am saying that if you truly love this man, let your feeling sort themselves out because they will. Often we make rash decisions based solely on emotions and this may be what you are feeling right now. Just give it time. He’s out of the house right now and you are definitely entitled to your tears, and your feeling of anger and betrayal. When the tears have subsided and the anger has diminished, you will be able to think more clearly about what you want and what is the best course of action for your family.

I am not up for counselling right now because he has issues with himself. To answer everyone in one shot, no this is not the first issue with women. First time (that I know of…) he was unfaithful, but he has hidden so many “friendships” : girls that flirted and he would innocently reply but then delete messages…ask their numbers and put them under a man’s name so I wouldn’t doubt…lied lied and lied some more during our whole 7 year relationship. This is just the worse thing he could have done now that we have a child.

He completely disrespected you and if you hadn’t found out he probably would have taken it to the next level (physical). That fact that he shows no remorse reveals that he is the type that would do it again.