Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I know I know. I'm not dead or anything. It's just that I'm now taking a cough syrup with codeine. AMAZING as that is, it does make me "fuzzy" and renders me illiterate in a way.

THAT plus even though I've done some Christmas Shopping (note the CAP. S in Shopping? that was no mistake) they are all sitting in a pile waiting to be rationed out to the naughty people. Nice people don't NEED presents. They have a firm place is Heaven, as I see it. they don't need material possessions TOO. Besides, I don't fraternize with nice people. Except for Carin Davis. (dede---you're nice too, but more evil than your sis.) (and when I say "evil" I mean that in an endearing way) (but you still get a present Carin!)

ALSO I can NOT believe that it is tuesday and in 4 days I am leaving for utah. FOUR DAYS?!?!?!? How is that possibe? HOW? I didn't even get out my Christmas cards. I am only ALMOST better too. So I better be back into the full swing o' things tomorrow. Plus do I drive? Do I fly? Do I take the dogs? no? I can't make decisions under the influence like this.

But you now what? I am having coffee right now. It's the counter balance to the codeine cough syrup. Oh and btw, if you EVER have a nasty cough, or even kinda one, GET THAT from your doctor. BLISS is all I say. BLISS. And if you can couple it with a salted carmel hot chocolate from SBUX, you WILL be in Heaven too, Nice or not!!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I am beyond tired of being sick. I was gonna write that in all caps but that would have been too much finger strength. what kills me is that this is like the second to last saturday before Christmas!!!!!! THIS day should be waking up to gingerbread lattes, banana/nutella crepes at the grove right before the Nordstrom doors open, shopping merrily with ole chums, eating lunch at cheesecake factory, catching a hip holiday movie with popcorn and milkduds and then coming home to decorate your tree drinking mexican hot chocolate with marshmallows and a plate of snickerdoodles, singing along to clay aiken's christmas album by candlelight whilst you merrily wrap all your super cute presents that you bought, putting away all the other super cute "presents" you bought in your closet, if you know what I mean. A day so warm and fuzzy you could puke snowglobes and Myrrh.

NOT sneezing your way to the dog park when it's still dark outside, with pockets full of damp kleenex and dashed hopes, one eye watering from a scratchy contact lens, trying to sing along to christmas songs in your car but the high note inducing a coughing fit the likes of a 73 yr old man with a 12 pack a day marlborough habit, coming home to an empty cold house with a sweaty brow staring at last night's chicken pot pie and orange hi-C fest littering your coffee table as you realize your dog treats and toilet paper are running out and you MUST hit costco today, the second to last saturday before christmas!! which should be renamed "black costco saturday" and you'll be run over with carts the weight of a midsize car filled with industrial chef-boy-ar-dee cans and Frozen cubicles of pizza snacks and bricks of cheese that NO wolf in america could huff and puff and blow down, and then wait in the parking lot for 2 hrs to exit eating your churro and $1 polish dog for your holiday feast only to come home and have to haul up the stairs boxes of dog jerky, toliet paper and the 13 hard cover new release books you had to have, and then pass out in bed watching 90210 marathons because you'll never really read those 13 hardcovers.

Perhaps I can just live vicariously watching the Walsh's try to make a Beverly Hills Christmas more like their cozy michigan christmas by buying a snowblower and a casio piano.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

It's about this time, 8ish at night, where I get restless from being in bed all day. LUCKILY I have my blog audience to bore to death entertain!

This is the sick bed. That pretty much covers my day. Remote. computer. book. two lazy NON sick dogs...AFTER they have already played on top of the bed, pulling the sheets up from the corners that I can't pull back since they are then dead weight who refuse to move. I have to wedge between the two since Mick has taken it upon himself to face plant into my new favorite ever blanket from target. Seriously, that blanket has saved me and is the softest blanket EVER.

Later in the day, I took them out and Mick decided to be cute and bring in the paper for me to read. he is SO smart and sensitive. This is what you are NORMALLY shown about a retriever bringing you the paper. The ideal. The fantasy.

This? is reality. He was just trying to get the coupons out for me.Note how he is mysteriously absent from this picture, like he was all "i ain't sleepin' on that mess!"

Now I'm just waiting for Top CHef to come on.....in FORTY MINUTES! UGH! that seems like FOREVER. I am ALMOST tempted to post all my New Zealand pics. The ones, where back in the days of yore (I feel like in december you should say "yore" and "behold" A LOT) I would have an ENTIRE slide show filled with every different field of grapes and bird that we happened upon. (also "upon") maybe if I'm still sick tomorrow.

And then? well, then, it would be cute pics of maggie from puppyhood until now. that's 5 yrs worth. WOOHOOOO! My readership would DROP from 6 to like 2.

Get it? It's a memory STICK! HAHAHHAH. Get it? Stick...stick! And if you scroll down the page a bit you'll also find the cutest stuffed animals EVER!

I seriously just think this is the cutest alphabet poster, and it's kinda artsy too. If I had a kid I would SO get this. And this very thing is WHY I don't have kids. Because I would spend so much $$ on stuff like this that little jr. would have no college fund...

AND for the A.D.D. person in your life...but someone you DON'T live with, cuz it would drive you nuts, there's the UBER cool Bubble calendar!!I mean seriously, how hip is that?

I mean, these make me want to organize stuff! And by ME, I mean, Lucy, my cleaning lady. CUPCAKE. STORAGE. Need I say more?

These Alphabet Ice trays are also WAY cute....again, my child would have no future in my household. you could make ALL the other moms feel inferior when you serve these at YOUR kid's party! But I'm also thinking they'd be awesome at your party, floating around in maragritas. Like put people's initials in their glass so when they get drunk, they won't get confused about who's drink is who's. And it MAY just save some fights!

And for inclement weather? WHAT is cuter than this umbrella? There are a lOT of super cute designs on this website too. Plus no one ever ASKS for an umbrella. But everyone NEEDS a cute one! So, how perceptive are YOU!

I just thought these glasses were super cool. And I am nothing if not super cool.

If this stuff doesn't make you the STAR of CHristmas, I don't know what will. Combine these with a winning personality (like mine!) and you are SET for being the family favorite (like me!)

Thursday, December 04, 2008

I just had lunch with THE MOST ANNOYING YOGA TEACHER EVER! This is her second offense.

Don't even ask me how I got roped into that either. It was something like this. You know how when someone has their fist baby and then right after the delivery she's all "I will NEVER have another one. That was the most painful thing EVER" and then sure enough 1 yr. later they're preggers and you're all "I thought you were never having another one" and then she's all "it's weird, you just forget the pain"

That's how I ended up having lunch with this girl. I had forgotten the pain.

Here's how it went down...

ME: Hey! Hi! (forced obligatory yoga hug)

HER: Hi! Did you want me to get you a coffee? I mean, I can't drink coffee! I SO wish I could. But I just get like SICK! It's probably because I had like THE WORST CHILDHOOD ever and now have to take all kids of anxiety medication because my parents totally screwed me over and were horrific, I mean completely horrifying, and now coffee just doesn't agree with my tummy.

(not kidding. she talks that fast, and that annoying)(and this was for real her first sentence)

ME: ohhhh, yah. huh.

HER: I know. It seriously sucks. ESPECIALLY since I LOVED coffee when I lived in New York. Since moving to LA, which I NEVER would have except I had about 5 studios who wanted to buy my script, and I had just wrapped another production, so I moved here and the coffee's not as good, you know? But it's okay, because I HAD to move from NY anyway to just get some space between me and my childhood, because ANYONE who went through what I did needs to get away at some point. Wheeew. I'm lucky, ya know? I mean to even be where I am today after surviving like that. Sure, I have my problems, but I think....I really think that all of that CRAZINESS in my childhood made me extremely creative and intuitive, which is great. I mean, I'm of very high intelligence, you know? And when you're THIS intelligent, genius level, I mean, I went to choat (sp) and I was going to go to yale, but I just had to get away from my childhood, so I chose the production/acting route because I was so good at that too, when you're of such a higher intelligence AND you've been through the things. I've. been. through. in life....I mean, it's been a HARD life...seriously bad stuff, you can't HELP but recognize your talents and understand that that level of genius has a dark side too.

ME: Jaw on floor. Brain spinning to memorize everything, fingers on phone keyboard hiding under table trying to type in the keywords.

HER: Seriously. I know I'm going to have such extremely intelligent kids, everyone is always saying "you are going to have THE smartest kids" and the best part is that THEY will have the intelligence without the CRAZY nightmare of a childhood that I did....

TWO GRUELING HOURS and 175 UTTERINGS OF "CHILDHOOD" LATER...

HER:...Oh god! Do you know that when I have male clients, when it's time for them to pay for their session, they will come out in just a towel and be like, "hey, I'll trade you some hot tub time..." and I just laugh.

ME: really? No. Really??

HER: Oh yah! of course! I mean they just see me and and see a BLONDE! SKINNY! HOT! YOGA TEACHER! of course they'll try that! hahahah! They're guys! Even my boyfriend will say to me "you're the hot pretty one, and I'm the intelligent one" and I'm like "UH. EXCUSE ME? You may be of high intelligence, but guess what? I don't just have THE LOOKS...I've got the high intelligence too buster!" You get kicked in your ass your entire life and NO ONE is going to tell you you're just the pretty one! And OH! My other friend, gretchen, who's also a yoga teacher, has the SAME problem! I think every female teacher has to have that problem! (yah, no.) you HAVE to meet gretchen! we'll have to go out and you'd LOVE her cuz she's a totally WACKY teacher like you!

I sped home to write this so you wouldn't think I ad-libbed any of it. I'm super fast like that, cuz well, you'd have to be given my in-humane childhood of running from my mother. (actually....that's kinda true)

So if this is the equivalent of having a second baby, I will not. repeat NOT be having a third! This blog will serve as a reminder.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

November was all about me. December is the season of giving. And I will extend my vast knowledge of the best gifts of the season. You may or may not want to give these to your loved ones.

This happens to be one of my favs. One, because it's an activity I want to regularly do to certain yoga people. and two, a little hint of violence and death in this season grounds us all, and three...imagine the awkward moment when someone opens this gift!

And then there's this creepy gem. Because who DOESN'T want an eye clock?? It sends the message "I WILL be watching you!" I think if you're a mother-in-law...this will be festive for your daughter-in-law. To hang over her bed.

You might wanna give this to the hubby as a hint that maybe he needs to hit the gym more. I think stating your needs strengthens the marital bliss.

And for the teens in your fam...not YOUR teens, just your annoying younger cousin or something...sends the message to the parents...YOU know where this kid is headed. And/or for grandma.

And THIS I love. ESPECIALLY for someone in your fam you think may be depressed. OR someone going through a divorce. Either way...how thoughtful and perceptive are you!!!!

What to get your boss. What to get your boss. I KNOW! Something for your boss's desk! Who doesn't love a snow globe? WHO?

And for the yogi in your life...your super Zen spiritual friend...A buddha head candle!! Burn buddha burn! Sure, it lLOOKS like a peaceful present AT FIRST. But then what happens when the wax all melts and there's nothing left but the buddha mouth? You'd NEVER see Christians doing a giant Jesus head Candle. It's beyond freakish. Which is WHY IT'S SO PERFECT FOR FREAKISH YOGI'S!!!

I actually love this. I mean. Who wouldn't? I think it's a good one for a girl. perhaps a hint to your single 50 something aunt marge? A hint she should come out already? Or your super girly gay friend...remind him he needs to butch it up a bit.

Ahhh, the bullet hole tieA little reminder for the hubby with the wandering eye?

Look like a beverage dispenser of sorts? yah. no.I wanted to save the best for last. I don't know who you'd get THIS for...probably for some lawyer or corporate executive in the bunch. The guy who has it all. Or your new girlfriend? Nothing screams LOVE like A WORM COMPOSTING FACTORY!!! And then you can be all smug and environmental.

And a little something to carry around this season while you "buy" your gifts (wink wink) Keep those store detectives on their toes.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

It's iffy if we're even gonna find a turkey today. But whatev's. We can always bust out some new Zealand Mussels (bleh)And/or just go to Mickey Dees for a hearty combo. I just wanted to point out that this McDonalds would be sued in america. Notice the Sundae AND the extra cheeseburger in their value meal? awesome, right?!

ANd then this...

TWO Big Macs in a meal?? I don't get it, It's not like everyone here is fat or anything. BUT the MOST important thing about this McDonalds is that they had FRIED apple pies!!! YUMMMMM. WHy The US McD stopped that is a complete mystery. Baked my ass, Who even cares about health in their desserts?

Just some more cool stuff about NZ. For those who were maybe dabbling in coming, this should seal the deal to buy your tickets!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

You know what I love most about New Zealand? Their accents. they are so so cute. EVEN when they are being total assholes, they sound cute. It's impossible to get mad at anyone. I should move here. I mean, would they think I'm cute when I'm being a jerk with my american accent? Whatever. I'm cute no matter WHAT I do!

We went gambling last night. What am I turning into? Who knew New Zealand was the city of debauchery? I am losing my pure innocent self! I'll prob. be turning tricks tonight. Tomorrow I'll be selling meth down by the viaduct. But for today? We're headed to some volcano or something or other and I am SURE we will find some bar to belly up to by 10 am. where I will be sipping a diet coke SANS rum.

Oh, and my flat iron doesn't work here with the electricity. Fraggle rock doesn't even BEGIN to describe it.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Today we went on a wine tour and now I'm kinda drunk. we went to FIVE WINERIES. Which is four too many as far as I'm concerned. But then you're there, and it was 200 bucks, so I tried all the wines at FIVE WINERIES. At least at the fourth one they sold chocolate. At each winery I bought more and more crap. Including bottles of wine that will prob. break in my suitcase on the way home. Why don't they have chocolate tasting tours? where you go to chocolate fields and taste all the chocolates? mmmm...now THAT would be FIVE stops to make.

I'm trying to upload some of the pics, but I can't get them to work. Stupid blogger.

So these are from yesterday and the night before.

me, erin, bridget....future sisters.

Me, Little bro. and little bro's fiancee, erin (erin is even crankier than ME! which means I love her tons already)

My family is a bunch of partyers. Even the ones about to be in-laws. They'll mesh just fine. It's like we probably won't even notice we have new family members until one of the new ones drinks all my dad's whiskey. THEN heads will roll.

I don't do well with the drink. SO saturday night out on the town celebrating my birthday did not fare well for me yesterday. Sunday was a fog of laziness and my legs are not functioning properly either. I don't know if that's jet lag or just bad genetic make-up from a family of drunks. ( I call them "drunks" in jest (sorta )Drunks/Polacks...tomato/tomahto)

My little brother wanted desperately to watch the Utah/BYU football game yesterday....IN NEW ZEALAND. So he spent about 12 hours online trying to figure out how he could watch it. Then he was getting frustrated, slamming laptop lids down. Giant sighs. So of course me, in all my internet savvy, found the game online in about 3 minutes flat, and purchased the pay per view, acting all smug and smart and generally better than everyone in my family. AS USUAL. I was a STAR unitl 5 mins later when we realized I had purchased, for $15, the 2007 Utah/BYU game. I mean, I shoulda just fed him some more beer and would he have even known?

It's cold and rainy here this monday, but I don't even care. I love it. It's an awesome excuse to curl up with a "flat white" (no, that's not what they call New Zealand men...it's what they call a latte)( I cant figure out the "flat" part. I get the white. but why flat?) and a good book. Okay, a laptop. but same diff.

Oh! I almost forgot. Here are the first 3 things I did. In this order.

1. CHecked to see the way the water swirls as it drains in the sink. Kept turning faucet on and off to see the water swirl the other way. It's SO CUTE!2. Bought all their brands of candy at the supermarket (yay Vanessa! you know me too well)3. Found coffee with internet

So you guys did pretty well with the coffee part. And all that Candy and Spare Rib flavored pringles I bought for the winner? YAY! I get to keep it!!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

K, they don't say that either. I think actually that could be irish. again, whatevs.

I'm the only one up. I'm on CPT still. SO, it's sat morning here. weird huh? You guys are prob still going to work and packing school lunches. NOT ME!

We're a day ahead and 3 hrs behind. This is all very fascinating, no? you asleep yet?

I felt like a big idiot going around shopping and acting like people here don't speak english. I would be all talking slow, using my hands..."Hel-lo. Do. you. have. LOTION?" At starbucks I was like 'I'll. have. a. medium? coffee? (blank stare from "barista") okay, a GRAN-DAY? coffee? COF-FEE. (making a cup gesture with my hands) ( a grande cup gesture nonetheless) and she goes "coffee??" and I got all flustered cuz I then though maybe they didn't call it coffee. (WTF?) and then she nods, like I'm a complete idiot and mumbles something in New Zealandish to the other barista. And of couse I had to add "and. do. you. have. like. WIRE-LESS in-ter-net? I think she actually rolled her eyes at me.

That was basically my day. Oh, and they don't call it the grocery store here. it's the super market. DUH. But it's DEFINITELY NOT the grocery store .

Phew...I better go buy a guide book or something.

Oh, bonus? their dollar fell a lot yesterday, so everything is like HALF PRICE!!!! I'll prob have to buy another suitcase for all the chips I'm bring home. Chips that are flavored honey soy chicken and chicken rosemary garlic and lamb mint and bacon sour cream and grilled steak andbacon cheddar crackers

And And everything is flavored with BACON! I am SO moving here. I bought like 7 bags of wierd flavored chips and they were ALL AMAZING! WHY don't we have that??? WHY?????

Thursday, November 20, 2008

they don't actually say that here, but whatev's. makes me sound worldly and well travelled.

My flight was actually not bad at all. I am shocked. No moth ball smelling people. No snake shows. I took an ambien, and thought it didn't work, but then woke up 5 hrs later. So guess it did. I was disoriented though. And my ankles were beyond puffy. At least I matched all the granny's around me though.

The worst part of the flight was choosing to watch Mamma Mia. WORST.MOVIE.EVER. I mean, seriously, BAD. It was laughable watching Meryl Streep DANCING around in overalls. And singing. And pretending to be a 41 yr old.

Anyhoo...I would tell you what I'm doing rigth now but i've decided to do something FUN!

I'm gonna do a prize giveaway. Like wheel of fortune, only you don't have to spell so much!

If you can guess the FIRST 3 things I did when I got here, I will send you an awesome prize Purchased FROM New Zealand. I mean, I'll ship it when I get back. I'm not a millionaire or anything!

1.2.3.

Now, think like me. And they don't have be in the right order. BUT if they are? And you are THAT familiar with my neurosis quirks, then I will send you DOUBLE the bounty. ("bounty" is a local word. I am totally all about the native tongue)

ME: WHAT? is that like, there's TWO seats and one is A and the other is B.

LADY: nnnnnnnnnnnnO. B is the middle seat and there are NO OTHER seats.

ME: but it's, it's EMPTY in here. There's not even line. Are you sure???

LADY: mmmmmmm hmmmmmmm.

ME: well, well, what about an upgrade! can I upgrade to like business or something.

LADY: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....searching searching.....YES! there is a business seat available.............window!.........First row!

ME: YAY! perfect!

LADY: it's $7,800 extra.

Could she MAYBE have mentioned that first? I swear, airline check-in people didn't qualify for meter maid jobs, cuz they prob had domestic violence records and/or didn't pass the psychological test under the category of "perverse pleasure in pain" and this was the next best thing.

sigh. I brought ambien and all...but MIDDLE SEAT?? where am I supposed to put my head? I haven't flown in a middle seat, since like freshman year of college when I was poor and late to the southwest counter and got placard # Z99.

I have worked toooo hard to sit in middle seat in middle class dammit! I better bust out the charm on the gate lady and see what i can do and if that doesn't work I'll just accidentally on purpose let my psychiatric med bottles drop on the counter and start my fake shoulder/eye/neck twitch.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Maggie hurt her shoulder last night. She was partying too hard for my birthday. SO, today I had to take her to the vet. Turns out she has a torn ligament :( She's totally milking it too. she wouldn't even eat her bone, which she usually protects and inhales the way I do jars of nutella. When I gave it to her she just sighed and put her head down, and looked around to make sure we all saw. she's sooo cute though, acting all dramatic like she's taking her last few breaths. Inga came into my room and was petting her saying "awwww, maggie. You are JUST like your mommy when you're injured" I've discussed Inga's "bedside manner" before. Maggie woulda slapped her little viking face if she could lift her paw.

AND like her mommy she is now well medicated. And since she can't shop online like me, I went ahead and got her a New comfy pale pink bedand a matching collar.

As for ME...I have had THE BEST birthday. Because I have THE BEST friends. I know, this blog is starting to sound like this one but it's TRUE. I have actually been super happy this WHOLE weekend! And let me tell you, having a monday birthday is THE BEST. Because you get to celebrate ALL weekend. If it were on a friday, then that's all you'd get.

PLUS I got the most awesome thoughtful presents. I am even eating Moose Munchas I type. My keypad is all covered with chocolate fingerprints right now. THANKS DEDE & CARIN! That wasn't EVEN on my list...and THAT! is what I love about Awsome friends who know you better than you know you. Thanks to all my thoughtful friends who pay attention to my needs! And Joe? I KNOW yours is on the way.

Sure, I also got about a million Starbucks cards, I will be highly caffeinated well into summer '09. AND I got lots of birthday calls too. Though, the facebook greetings, are cute. DOESN'T cut it. So any of you who facebook birthdayed me? (and actually know me in person) Karma. I don't even believe in Karma. But KARMA.

But right now I am in love with my friends and family and consider myself super lucky to have such a close circle or friends from grammar school up through college and all the new ones. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Don't worry, come December when my month is over. I will be back to my crusty hateful self.