in-laws

Is it a right or privilege ?

So I'm struggling with my MIL and the birth of my daughter . Is getting to watch your grandkids a right ? Because I feel like it's a privilege that you don't just get because you ask .

Let me take you back to the beginning . I was 18 when I got pregnant . My husband was 21 . We were living together and planned on getting married . He had just gotten a new job and I quit mine when we found out I was pregnant(it was a bad environment for me) so I had my last check and a decent tax return that we were living off of for a couple of weeks because he spent his tax return and first paycheck on my engagement/wedding ring set . We were both happy and doing fine .

His mom called asking for a ride somewhere , he asked me since I had to pay for gas . So I put gas in my car and we picked her up . The second she was in the car she asked him for $20 for cigarettes . He told her he didn't have any money . She knew he had gotten his first paycheck from his job and a tax return so she got all crappy and asked why he didn't have money . He told her he all excited to share the news that he bought my ring and that he spent all of his money on it . She flipped out . Like psycho freaking out in the back seat hitting and kicking my seat , tugging on the seatbelt that was across my pregnant stomach yelling at him for not helping her . He told her not to act like that in front of his family (me) and she started screaming how I'm not his family . Like I had no words . I sat there in silence just astonished at what was happening .

Months later I sent her a wedding invitation because it was still my husbands mom and I figured if she didn't want to come , she doesn't have to . Well that opened a can of worms . She invited us over for dinner . It was so uncomfortable . She didn't even apologize . She just acted like nothing happened . And then began the constant asking for things . Money , cigarettes (me and my husband both quit when I found out I was pregnant) , and rides to not very close places . When we asked for gas money she would get an attitude and flip out . And she kept trying to drop hints about moving in with us because she didn't want to get a job and support herself . It was a very stressful pregnancy and first year of marriage .

Once my son was born she didn't come see him until he was 2 months old and got him nothing for his first Christmas . She kept trying to impose after that . Coming over uninvited and expecting us to do more for her than we were even capable of doing . My lovely postpartum depressed self lost it one day . I told her she was rude and disrespectful to me and was not welcome in my home . (I know I shouldn't have but I had enough)

Eventually I wrote her a letter apologizing for saying what I had said . And telling her I have been unable to forgive her for the way she has treated me because she's never apologized or acted like she cared about me . And how disrespectful and stressful she's been to me in what should've been an amazing time in my life . She responded telling me she did nothing wrong and her bills were due and no one was helping her and that I shouldn't have been there to pick her up in the first place (it was my car and gas that gave her that ride) she said she respects me as her sons wife and grandsons mom and that's it . Still no apology .

That's where our relationship stays . Small talk about my son and rare visits . On those rare occasions where we see her she asks to babysit my son . I don't feel I can trust her .

Now I'm due April 20th with our baby girl , who is also my little rainbow baby after a devastating miscarriage . No one in my husbands family has ever had a girl . All boys . So my MIL only had boys and always wanted a girl . She's trying to act like she's going to come over and stay after she's born and be all involved . That's not happening .

Am I in the wrong ? I feel like these are MY children and I owe her nothing since she has never even felt like she should respect me . Is being a hands on involved grandparent a right or a privilege ?

She sounds unstable! The reactions she had when you didn't give her money would be more than enough for me to never leave her alone with a child. Children need patience and understanding among other things, she clearly lacks control over her emotions. Too many red flags! I'd only allow supervised visits and I wouldn't feel bad in the slightest.

No! You are definitely not in the wrong! It sounds like you have made an effort with her. She is immature and not trustworthy of babysitting your children, all of her past actions and choices prove just that. Stay strong and hold your ground! Best of luck to you!

Gosh I'm so glad you guys agree with me . Sometimes I worry that it's normal and a lot of people have trouble with their mother in law and I'm being mean . I feel like I wouldn't trust her with my wallet , but I'm supposed to trust her with my babies because she's their grandparent ? Like no way ! My mom gives me a hard time and asks me what if my son has kids and you never see them because of his wife . I'm just like well I won't treat my daughter in law like dirt ...?

I would so never let any one treat me like that and cut any one else out of my life in a heartbeat for treating me like that , but it's my husbands mom . So I can't just cut her out like I would like to . he thinks I should be the bigger person and forgive her (meanwhile he has the nicest and most loving mother in law ever) so it puts me in a pickle . Every time we are expecting her for a visit or going to visit her I have anxiety attacks . I get the shakes and feel like I'm gasping for air and just not getting any . My husband is so against me taking anxiety medication , so I try aromatherapy but let me tell you it doesn't cut it when it comes to this woman .

Ok as someone that has suffered from anxiety since the age of 16 when I passed out in front of my class the first time it happened you can't just "suck it up" or "work through" it, which I do a lot of the time but I'm not afraid to say I'm on medication to help me. I pride myself on being a strong independent person that speaks my mind but I still have anxiety which is as physical as it is mental. If you feel like you need more than aromatherapy, or yoga, or working out, you should seek help as well. Even though I take medication I still get anxiety, but it helps me "sick it up" and "work through it". Perhaps your husband lacks the knowledge to at least have empathy and might be guiding you in the wrong way. Sorry it's a bit off topic of your original post.

I talked to my OB about the anxiety because my mom recommended i get something to help me with it last time my mother in law made a lovely comment to my husband about me being temporary , I had a fit and he called my mom to come over and calm me down . My OB recommended i go to a therapist and work through it with talk therapy . I've been to a therapist before and it was very uncomfortable for me . I felt like I was being judged the whole time . So I never ended up going to talk to any one . I was so embarrassed when my OB told me to go to a therapist for it . She made me feel like an idiot for bringing it up . So it's been something I've tried to deal with myself . Plus I wasn't sure if medication would harm the baby . I was only like 13 weeks pregnant at the time .

I think you need to stay far far away from that one! No good can come of a relationship with her. She sounds like a total drain on everyone around her. Why does she expect everyone else to help her with her own bills and cigarettes? I don't blame you for not trusting her with your son. At this point I would make sure your husband is on the same page as you and then make it clear to her that nothing is changing just because you are having a girl.

She sounds like a mess. Hopefully your husband stands behind you first and foremost. The first few years after getting married I had to "help" my husband see through my MIL's tricks. He grew up with her acting a certain way and never realized it was wrong. Once he saw her actions for what they were he defended me against her manipulation and guilt trips and she started to realize that if she wanted a relationship with him she'd have to chill. She has gotten a lot better but still has her moments of silent treatments and small fits.

You are totally in the right here. It is a huge honour to be asked to be in the delivery room, it's not a right or automatic expectation. You will be feeling vulnerable and only need supportive people in the room with you. You aren't being mean by keeping her out, you're having respect for yourself and the business of giving birth.

I am going through something similar with my mother, sister, and father. The storyline is different, but the behavior is the same. It is unacceptable and you have every right to make decisions that are best for your family. While having toxic family is painful, your priority is your family.

Oh my!! I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It is a privilege to see grandkids not a right. If my MIL had done that to me in MY car she would have found herself walking the rest of the way to her destination. Like someone else said make sure you and your hubby are on the same page.

Even if she wasn't a nutcase (which she is) she would t have the "right" to watch your kids. My inlaws have never babysat because we don't trust them. They're welcome to spend time with our daughter but hubby or I have to be there. And that's okay. You don't owe your kids company to anyone. They are YOUR kids.

Wow this woman has serious traits of a narcissist and sounds very unstable by your description. I wouldn't trust her around my child unsupervised and certainly wouldn't allow her in the delivery room or while I'm home recovering. That is a very special time for you and your husband and anyone else you feel will be a great support system for you.

Your husband may let things slide that I'm sure he would otherwise put a stop to because it's his mom and he's used to her selfish behaviour. Try to get him to understand your POV and get on the same page. Then ask him to talk to his mom. I'm super nervous about your anxiety and her reaction if you took the lead.

You're a good woman I don't think I could have been as patient with her as you. Good luck!

Thank you all for the reassurance ! I feel like for my husband it's his mom so he tries to see the good in her , where as for me I see the selfish acts and hear all the hateful comments she makes towards me . My husband says "oh she didn't mean it like that" and brushes it off and I'm just like -_- "yes she did" and then it just lingers in my mind every time I see her or hear from her . And if it wasn't for me he would just let this crazy lady watch our kids all the time and think nothing of it just because she's his mom , where as for me I want to make a will as soon as my daughter is born to make sure my kids go to someone I trust because not even over my dead body is this lady gonna watch my kids because who knows what she will do when she gets frustrated with them . Or how will I know she will love them equally when she already acts like my daughter is more special than my son when she isn't even born yet just because she never had any girls ? As my kids mom it's my job to protect them and my husband tries to blame me for taking things the wrong way or for not being the bigger person when she is being crappy towards me .

You need to make the will before LO is born! While your baby is a newborn is not when you should be making legal decisions - you will be exhausted and just happy to get a shower some days.

Plus, you and your husband should have a plan together for who would take your kids. What if you both die at the same time and your documents had different people taking the kids? It would be a total mess.

FWIW, we did not do either of our parents because the reality is that caring for young kids is exhausting enough when you are a parent, and the grandparents are much older and could/do have health considerations. Find siblings or friends who are willing and capable.

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