The iPhone 5: 9 Things I Think You Need To Know About Apple’s New Smartphone

Yes, that’s everything I think you need to know about the iPhone 5, i.e. everything I think is important about the phone that is going to be mine, allllll minnnnnnne, in just a week! All the info I’ve deemed special and important and awesome after the jump.

1. It’s taller! The iPhone 5 stands at four inches tall, with a resolution of 1136 x 640, which means it’s 176 pixels taller than the last model. However, like a Hollywood starlet who just scored her first big budget movie and Rachel Zoe as her stylist, as expected, the iPhone 5 is skinnier (by 18 percent) and lighter (by 20 percent) than ever before. So, like Lindsay Lohan post-“Mean Girls” in her first pair of Louboutins. Does this analogy make sense? It does to me. Onward!

2. It’s faster! Woot, woot! The iPhone 5 operates on the 4G LTE network which, uh, is great or something and should make any music or video stream faster. Apparently, 4G eats up battery life though, so keep that in mind.

3. It has a tinier connector dock! Who cares?! I do! Mostly because it connects both ways now so I will be saving precious milliseconds now! Unfortunately, that means you can’t directly plug your phone into your older Apple accessories without the $30 adaptor because, duh, this shit is a racket!

4. It’s sturdier! Supposedly! Due to its “unibody” structure. I don’t know what that means but I think it has something to do with having, like, less parts? Like, it’s all ONE BODY. I’m smart. Anyway, the back is made of metal! I am still going to wrap mine in bubble wrap because I drop my phone, like, once a day.

5. It comes with Facebook! And iOS6! And cool features like a place to store your plane tickets or something called PassBook!

6. Siri is smarter! I would hope so, because she sounds like a moron in those Zooey Deschanel commercials. I want Siri to solve all my problems or I’m going to be disappointed. Siri, GET ME LAID!!!!

7. It comes with cute new earbuds! Squee!

8. No more Google maps! Apparently Apple is mad at Google because Google made their own smartphone and so Apple replaced the Google Maps button on the homescreen with their ownnnnnn map technology. Boo-ya, Google!

9. The two cameras are better! Which means my tit pics are about to get a whole lot cuter!