Friday, June 22, 2012

Veteran TV and B-movie villain actor Richard Lynch passed away on Tuesday at his home in Palm Springs, California at 76. Alas Lynch's name may not have been a household one, but his face is instantly recognisable to anyone who watched TV shows in the 80's. His trademarked scarred appearance was as a result of an in LSD incident 1976 when he set himself on fire. After studying at the Actor's Studio he turned his burn scars to his advantage by carving out a prolific career by portraying memorable nemeses of great on-screen heroes.

The nefarious plans of his villainous characters have been thwarted at one time or another by The A-Team, T.J. Hooker, Matt Houston, Starsky and Hutch, The Fall Guy, Frank Buck, Charlie's Angels, Manimal, Automan, Stringfellow Hawke, Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Jessica Fletcher, Jake and the Fatman and even Chuck Norris himself in the 1985 movie Invasion: USA.

Throughout his career Lynch appeared in more than a whopping 160 movies and television programs. He is well regarded in cult science-fiction circles for portraying Wolfe in the two-part Battlestar Galactica episode "Gun on Ice Planet Zero" (1978), later he was Velosi on Buck Rogers in '79 and later returned to Galactica as Xavier on Galactica '80. In 1993 he starred as antagonist to Captain Picard as Baran in the Star Trek: The Next Generation two-parter "Gambit". He was also no stranger to the fantasy genre and one of his most lauded roles was as the evil King Cromwell in The Sword and the Sorcerer [1982] for which he won a Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actor.

Before acting, Lynch was one of the few and the proud serving in the United States Marine Corps from 1956-1960. He was also a musician and played the saxophone, guitar, piano, and flute. He enjoyed fishing, poetry, and architecture. He held Irish citizenship through his Irish born parents and was a frequent visitor to Ireland. Lynch is survived by his brother Barry and his wife Lily.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

The Journal of Parasitology recently published Penetration of the oral mucosa by parasite-like sperm bags of squid, a scientific paper detailing the ordeal of a 63-year-old Korean woman who "experienced severe pain in her oral cavity immediately after eating a portion of parboiled squid with its internal organs”. Despite expelling the food from her mouth, she still had a "pricking and foreign-body sensation" in her oral cavity. When she was hospitalised, surgeons removed a dozen "small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms stuck in the mucous membrane of the tongue, cheek, and gums." In English - the dead squid's spermatophores were still active, and they'd inseminated the woman's mouth!

Squid a Day’s Danna Staafexplains further: “Each spermatophore includes an ejaculatory apparatus, which can expel the sperm mass quite forcefully, and a cement body for attachment. Of course, neither of those is a needle or a knife—the sort of thing you'd expect to need for actual implantation (into either a female squid or a human mouth).” As no one is quite sure how spermatophores implant themselves into skin, Staaf reveals that “it’s happened to humans more than once.” Staff insists there’s no cause for alarm in Western civilisation as there, squid preparations typically remove the internal organs from squid and leave only the muscle — so no one in the west is in any danger of accidentally ingesting spermatophores. Also, they're not dangerous unless they make contact with a mucous membrane.

“This has easily been one of the more bizarre Extra Terrestrial attacks to cover up” said Colonel “Whopper” Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA. “At first UNPASID investigated because as the squid was physically and legally dead,” explained the Colonel, because apparently the fact that it was able to perform functions would normally classify it as undead. The Colonel went on to describe that “… a species of amphibious aliens had found a way to take control of some of the planet’s marine life and have on a number of occasions attempted to impregnate humans, no doubt to create a hybrid man-squid race to take control of the planet.” Colonel Creedon did not disclose exactly how many attacks or attempted impregnations there have been, but he warned that anyone was at risk as cooking the alien-possessed squid would not kill them as they’re suspected to thrive in heated water.

UNETIDA has asked that you contact them on 555-ORALFUKFISH if you believed that a squid may have inseminated your mouth. Please note that the official UNETIDA warning poster was far too grotesque to present here.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Major General “Skullcrusher” Shaw, Director of the United Nations Paranormal and Supernatural Interdiction Directorate [UNPASID] in a rare public address at UNHQ New York says that the recent so-called 'flashpoints' being reported in US news media are "Nothing to worry about" and not a sign of either the so-called "Zombie Apocalypse" or "the end of times".

The director recounted the Miami Causeway Cannibal, the worldwide reported attack on Miami, Florida homeless man Ronald Potto by an enraged and naked Rudy Eugene on May 26th as not a case of zombification. The allusions by the media as to being so are considered to be "without merit" and instead the result of the abuse of a synthetic LSD known as "bath-salts".

In Baltimore, Maryland the case where one Alexander Kinyua killed his housemate Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodie, then ate some of his organs - is being treated as classic cannibalism as opposed to zombification according to General Shaw. On May 31st, in police custody, Kinyua admitted to killing Kodie, cutting him up with a knife and further stated that he consumed Kodie's internal organs -- specifically his heart and portions of his brain.

General Shaw also dismissed reports that Wayne Carter, the 33 year old man who stabbed himself and threw pieces of his skin and intestines at police officers trying to subdue him was a victim of Zombification. He was doing harm to himself, not others "so we haven't even investigated," said Shaw.

The director was very critical of news media irresponsibly reporting older stories with similar gruesome incidents as current events in order to fuel hysteria. One such story, Otty Sanchez's brutal and gruesome murder and dismemberment of her one-month old boy in San Antonio, Texas back in 2009 is being implied as being a recent event by an Associated Press article in circulation to many news outlets worldwide.

It's widely speculated that UNPASID fund zombie and horror movies as UNETIDA do science-fiction media in an effort to subliminally prepare and educate people. To this end, Shaw asked that members of the public exercise common sense in an age where everyone is aware of the threat proposed by a zombie-apocalypse from watching TV shows like The Walking Dead, movies like Zombieland and the Resident Evil series and playing video games like Left 4 Dead. "Quite frankly" said the general, "we do not want you to do fucking stupid shit" like Vitaly Zdorovetskiy who was almost shot for his grossly immature and ill-conceived plan to chase a number of African Americans about dressed as a zombie.

UNPASID's primary role with regard to zombies is of course containment, nullification and eradication. The Centers for Disease Control [CDC] still remains the US Government's arm for preparing the populace for the eventual outbreak. In 2011 the CDC began using using the "apocalypse" in its emergency preparedness blog. It was a success, attracting younger people who ordinarily wouldn't have read the agency's guidance on planning evacuation routes and storing supplies. However last Friday in response to public hysteria, CDC spokesman David Daigle sent an email to the press saying "CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead," he wrote, adding: "(or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.)"

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Mental Health Warning: Prometheus
could damage your perception of science fiction in general if not just
the Alien franchise. If you must see Prometheus then please wear
protective eye wear supplied by the theatre [because if it wasn’t for
the 3D this would be a complete waste of effort].

Yes
indeed, it took him over 30 years but Ridley Scott finally returned to
science fiction where he fashioned what many regard as his greatest
achievements; Blade Runner and Alien, two very different but equally
genre defining and important works in motion picture history. Blade
Runner has cinematically remained sequel-less, Scott has on more than
one occasion returned to ‘tweak’ it to almost Lucas proportions and it
was only in 2007 did he declare it truly complete. It stands today [to
the misguided cretins who reject Star Wars] as highest on the list of
the the greatest science fiction movies of all time. Alien is on that
list too but as a genre-straddling sci-fi/horror movie. Personally I
think Alien is a crock of shite. It’s too dark, too slow, there’s not
enough interesting dialogue for it’s two-hour runtime and defiantly not
enough action. It’s too lopsided on the horror and less on the sci-fi. I
dislike ‘survival horror’ in general because it lacks the vision of
using superior military firepower to counter a single containable
threat.

While
Blade Runner has remained sequel-less [although that could change],
thankfully James Cameron came along in 1986 and corrected Scott’s
mistakes with Aliens; creating what would be used as the mould from which
an Alien franchise would spawn. Sadly two subsequent sequels Alien 3
and Alien: Resurrection in the 1990's were even worse than the original and regarded
as some of the worst movies ever made but we won’t talk about them.

What
was most disappointing, was that all the previous groundwork Scott laid and all the stuff Cameron
brought to the table, was either ignored or deliberately shit upon by
Scott in Prometheus. In doing so, he has alienated [no pun intended]
those that truly follow and admire the franchise by creating a thoroughly incomprehensible "origin" tale which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It came as no surprise when I learned afterwards that the movie's writer [or is that re-writer?] was Damien Lindelof, one of those "responsible" for lost, and when I say "responsible" I mean as in for a crime against drama not someone who should be receiving accolades for it! The entire plot is such obvious completely idiotic nonsense that even a small child would question it, were it old enough to see this.

Please understand I'm not going down the road of nitpicking the whole improbable chance of sentient human evolution from a suicidal alien who is basically human in shape as that's a pre-supposition from everything in science fiction, case closed. I'm also not asking why otherwise intelligent characters, would not just run in a 90 degree direction away from the path of a crashing spaceship as opposed to running in the path inertia is obviously going to take it in, because movie characters often do monumentally stupid things. No I just want to know what the whole fucking point of this shit movie was. It's explored tongue in cheek here if you want it spoiled for you.

Is everything in this completely worthless? No, Micheal Fassbender is magic, he did the very best he had with such complete tripe and delivered such a deliciously creepy performance despite being hamstrung by a scriptwriter who obviously didn't know what he was doing, and a director who has smoked one too many cigars. Wheather it was intentional or not Fassbender's android David has more soul than the other bland human characters including protagonist Elizabeth Shaw [Noomi Rapace]. The only thing Scott did right here was the 3D. It wasn't a demonstration of tech like Avatar or it wasn't subdued like Disney's flawed efforts, it was used to a perfect extent to convey true depth and immersion at points where you could appreciate it as being such. A pity it was wasted on such nonsensical tripe.

Final Verdict: What the fuck!? Worst movie of the year is notJohn Carter.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *

UPDATED: It seems that a suspicion I had was correct. Lindelof came on board Prometheusto change Jon Spaihts screenplay at Scott's demand to remove all the things that made it too Alien-ey, you know all the familiar stuff like facehuggers, chestbursters, eggs, xenomorphs, basically ALL THE STUFF WE FUCKING WANTED, ASSHOLE!!!

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

UNETIDA and UNPASID are investigating either an invasion of extra-terrestrial arachnids or a dastardly genetic engineering/cloning experiment gone awry in remote remote northeast India.

For the past few weeks, swarms of large jumping and biting venomous spiders have caused panic in the town of Sadiya in Assam state. On the evening of May 8, as townspeople were celebrating a Hindu festival, swarms of spiders suddenly appeared and attacked them.

Local man Purnakanta Buragohain and an unnamed school boy died after being bitten by the spiders over the following few days. It may be that the victims died after witch doctors used razor blades to drain the wounds and it has not yet been confirmed that the deaths are from from spider poison or from the attempted treatment as the bodies were cremated before autopsies could be done.

Scores more people turned up at the town's hospital with spider bites and another seven bite victims have been treated with antibiotics against infection after they also tried themselves to drain their wounds, said Dr. Anil Phapowali at the local Sadiya town hospital. Local resident Jintu Gogoi spent a day in the hospital complaining of excruciating pain and nausea after being bitten.

Locals say the most terrifying aspect is that spiders appear in swarms and their behavior is highly aggressive. "It leaps at anything that comes close. Some of the victims claimed the spider latched on to them after biting. If that is so, it needs to be dealt with carefully. The chelicerae and fangs of this critter are quite powerful," head of the department of life sciences at Dibrugarh University Dr. L.R. Saikia said. "It looks like a new species. We haven't been able to identify it."

As the spiders were certainly not native to the area and as there is no record of venomous spiders in the region, science and eradication teams from UNETIDA and UNPASID were immediately dispatched to investigate the incidents but have yet to prepare a public report. Brigade General "Boogyman" Rojas, UNPASID Director of Operations has confirmed that his teams of specialists are working with UNETIDA in containing the arachnid threat.

Meanwhile, villagers are keeping lamps on at night and standing guard against spiders entering their mud-and-thatch huts.

STAR WARS: Force For Change Founding Member

About Me

Years of being dropped on the head as a child has led me to believe that I'm a U.S. Marine General, a senior officer of a UN unit dedicated to defending the planet from things that the world doesn't believe exist. My spiritual beliefs are those formed from the work of George Lucas whom I consider to be a deity. Politically, I'm a right-wing authoritarian and believe diplomacy is achieved by those with the bigger gun. I enjoy listening to scores from movies and TV, watching action, military and sci-fi movies and television, playing 3D shooters and RPGs on the PC, reading comic-books and I adore the impressive sound of my own voice. I recorded 2IGTV; an award-nominated Podcast with my friend Mark centred on news from the world of popular culture which ran for 64 Episodes between '05 and '09. As an actor I've appeared in two major Irish short films and the pilot of a web-series. I've something to say about almost everything and you've made the wise choice of coming here to benefit from my vast wisdom, knowledge and ego - enjoy!

THE GENERAL'S RATINGS

No Star: The greatest load of shit ever, no redeeming qualities. It's creators are blacklisted and will be shot on sight if they don't redeem themselves before I meet them. Seriously - Dear God why?

1 Star (*): Awful crap. A complete waste of time. Should not have been made.

1.5 Stars (*1/2): Bad movie. I'm not happy about having paid to see this.

2 Stars (**): Dissapointing. Not that good at all except for perhaps a few select scenes or elements. I'll choose not to see this again.

2.5 Stars (**1/2): Glad I saw it, but ultimately not good enough. I won't turn it off if it appears on TV, but I'll have it on while doing something else, just to wait for the cool bit I remember.

3 Stars (***): Meh! Middle of the road movie. Balance between love and hated. May watch this on TV years later / may not.

3.5 Stars (***1/2): Enjoyable, but I would need to see it again, possibly on TV before I would purchase it.

4 Stars (****): Extreamly good. I would prefer to watch this again on Blu Ray a year or two on rather than see it on TV, but...

4.5 Stars (****1/2): Several minor flaws but not enough to distract you from excellence. Most likely will be added to my BD collection.

5 Stars (*****): An outstanding work of art. Practically Flawless. To be added to my BD collection.

5 Star Plus (*****+): One of the finest examples of it's genre.
Flawless. Automatically becomes part of my BD collection upon release.

EXEMPTION GRANTED: To be granted an exemption, a movie has literally to be amongst the greatest movies of all time. Examples include Robocop (1987), The Matrix (1999), Mission Impossible 2 (2000), Transformers (2007) and Iron Man 2 (2010). For religious purposes it is accepted that all Star Wars movies are exempt by default and cannot be reviewed.

Brigadier General Creedon is a Class-1 Nutter, he is not affiliated with a recognised news service, an officer of the US Marine Corps, a member of the organised Jedi Order or has ever slept with Scarlett Johannson. The General's Medal Of Honor is made of painted lead and bits of copper.

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own!" -Scoop Nisker