---- ALLAN'S PERSPECTIVE ---- The left wing drives me crazy, and the right wing scares the shit out of me!

Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective!

We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special." Stephen Hawking.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Sunday Morning Funnies #554

(Jenny, from the Naked News staff enjoying today’s jokes!)
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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down.
You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.
What’ll it be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains .”
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“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’ St. Peter?” “
No I told you the computer’s down, There’s no way we can keep track of what you are doing.”
In that case” says the second priest, I’ve always wanted to be a stud.
“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
“Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter,
“He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
Why asks the Lord
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan “
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A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife,
Who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?”
She demands.
“At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden.
It’s got huge golden doors,
A golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story,
And the next day checks the phone book,
Finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?”
She asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
“Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion
that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times:
“American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.
One week later, Canadian Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following:
“After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f–k all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless.”
Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian!
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
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Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
angel
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
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As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client
Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
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It’s a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, “Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”
Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!” said Rosita.
Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pedro begged.
“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..
“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”