a blog by Enya

Log #001: If I could send a letter to my old self…

It occurred to me that we all go through a lot of tough times, and I thought – “If I could comfort myself then, I wonder what I would say…” And then I decided to write out a letter to my old self.

Dear Enya,

There are so many things I wish I could tell you to avert the many things that will cause you pain, but you’ll need it to become stronger so I won’t disclose details. Actually, you’re smart enough to realize that I’m going to tell you things you already know. You see, there is a magic to hearing things you already know from somebody else. In my theory, this is our subconscious way of making a contingency – to have someone else to blame when something goes wrong by telling yourself that others told you to do it. To an extent, it definitely works because you feel slightly better knowing that 100% of the blame isn’t yours, but you know in your heart you’re just bullshitting yourself.

You’re crying. Or if you aren’t, you probably really want to, but for reasons that I cannot fathom you can’t. Maybe it’s more of a ‘you won’t’ than ‘you can’t,’ but I know you, so fuck the situation and give yourself a good cry. It might feel like you don’t have a good enough reason, but I’m telling you now – if you’re come to the point of tears, it’s a good enough reason. Up until the time I am writing to you, you have always given your all, especially since we both still have that undying need to prove ourselves to others when in reality, you don’t. The problem lies on how much we put into things and how it never goes into plan and other people are disappointed.

The most important person you have to take in account when you fail is yourself. You probably don’t want to admit it, but you have this self-imposed high standard that is impossible to reach, but you keep trying in the hopes of being recognized as someone special. And when you don’t, you keep shattering into tiny shards of glass, only to pick yourself up and do it all again. Stop it. You’re just hurting yourself. Never stop just because of a setback. Just be sure to set realistic goals for yourself.

Think of this as a heads-up: the people who you care the most about will be the ones that not only will disappoint you, but will help you destroy yourself as well. If you can’t step up and tell them how you really feel, then these people will remain oblivious to the fact that they are walking all over your shattered hopes and dreams, thinking that they’re helping you. In a twisted way, they are, but this is doing more harm than good. The worst case scenario is that you end up having to adapt to everyone else but yourself and this will promote great changes. It comes to a point where people recognize you’re a bitch, and then some that you’re a bitch who hates to admit that she cares. Still a bitch, and I’ll imagine this doesn’t sit well with you just yet. It becomes a compliment.

Anyway, my point is that pain is consistent. It will be there for the rest of your life, but it is your choice as to how you want to deal with it. Obviously it gets hard, but hey, you made it this far, right? Keep fighting. Be the smarter person.

Always,

Enya

Over the course of this activity, I realized that this isn’t just a letter to my old self, but a letter to anyone going through a hard time. I hope, whoever you are, this helps.