Lessons Learned from a Marathon Viewing of Star Trek: Voyager

Sometimes you spend the night cleaning your house, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or writing the next Great American Novel. Sometimes you stay home and watch hours and hours and hours (and hours) of Star Trek: Voyager. And who's to say which is a better use of your time? CERTAINLY not us. We see the bright sides to both options. Especially after all the super important life lessons we learned while stuck in a black hole of marathoning through our favorite episodes of Voyager. So we thought we'd compile our top lessons from last night. Enjoy!

Don’t explore the planet’s surface! Unless, of course, it looks like a hostile environment or there is a serious problem with the ship and you're in danger. If it looks like there’s going to be trouble and exploring the surface is a bad idea, then go! There will be benefits in the end instead of consequences. If it looks like exploring the planet’s surface will be a piece of cake, turn back! No matter how seemingly hospitable a planet’s atmosphere reads, you’re in danger! The deuterium restock away mission can wait. DON’T EXPLORE THE PLANET’S SURFACE.

“I believe there are things out there that can not be scanned with a tricorder” is a fun way to say you believe in God or gods in the Star Trek universe.

Captain Janeway is right. The one exception is when she’s irrationally upset that someone has defied the Federation code of ethics. This is her achilles heel and all should be wary. If she thinks someone has made a complete mockery of what the Federation stands for she will go all cut-throat-commander on their behinds and do things that seemingly defy the very ethics she’s trying to protect (i.e. almost killing prisoners to attain information, etc.)

Sometimes the most interesting and entertaining characters have relatively no authority. I’m looking at you Doctor who rarely leaves the ship’s sickbay.

Stereotyping people makes them boring. >SIGH< If only Chakotay was more of a fully formed character than just regurgitated stereotypes about Native Americans. He would have been so much more engaging to watch.

Just because you hear that a person’s bite is particularly vicious, doesn’t mean it’s anything more than a squeaky whimper. You know how someone’s reputation can proceed them as being a temperamental force to be reckoned with? And you get scared and nervous around them, because, hey, you’re no dummy? Well, sometimes that alleged “bite” is just a whole lot of complaining and Debby downer-ness. AKA Chief Engineer B’Elanna Torres.

Operations Officer Harry Kim is a hottie. Sure, this isn’t a life lesson per se, but it’s still something that was learned so, it applies to the list! He’s a hunk.

It’s hard to be a “bad boy” when you’re balding. Sorry Tom Paris! You seemed like trouble in Season 1, but that receding hair line is just hurting your character’s story line.

Hell is your own negative thoughts. Speaking of B’Elanna did you see that episode where she went into a coma and woke up in Klingon hell? Sure she was on a ship headed to the underworld, but the scariest part of her trek was when she was surrounded by Voyager crew members (not the real ones, but the underworld versions of her comrades) and they all slung her own self-deprecating thoughts at her while she darted around like a caged animal.

Technology is not always there to help. Sometimes technology is scary and can hurt us if it's not fully understood. This seems to be a new take on technology in the Star Trek universe.

Borgs can be babes. Heyyyy Seven of Nine.

Borg babes can be the most interesting characters in a sea of humans. Kudos to the writers of Voyager for not just being like “LOOK! We gave you a half-robot babe! And she’s just going to walk around and be hot because that’s all she can add to the show!” Nope. Instead they penned one of the most complex and rich characters on the show, who just happens to be a Borg babe.

Earth is rad. Hurled 70,000 light-years away by an energy burst? Gonna take you 75 years to get home and most the crew will not survive? Why don’t you just set up shop on a hospitable planet and start a new life? BECAUSE EARTH IS THE COOLEST! Now chant EARTH! EARTH! EARTH!

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About the Author

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.