Month: November 2013

What’s negative masculinity? Well, nobody actually knows…but most men know that its an unwritten rule that they should NEVER be perceived as being ‘that guy’ – its almost a staple in media representations of ‘how men are’… boorish, aggressive, inconsiderate, did I mention aggressive? What about rapey (which isn’t a word as far as I know…but we know what it means nonetheless) Nobody really wants to be That Guy – In short – men want to appear to be the exact opposite – considerate, not aggressive, non-threatening, friendly, not, NOT aggressive and generally easy to get along with. And not aggressive. At all.

We’ve been trained to keep our masculinity on a short leash – to hold ourselves in check and to constantly monitor HER. Her face, her energy, her responses and movements for clues, cues and permission to move forward, to be authentically ourselves, waiting for permission to reveal ourselves. We try as hard as possible to be what we consider safe and dependable. Comfortable. Someone that a woman can feel safe around and with. Picture that adolescent guy on his first movie date and his internal angst – sitting there facing the screen but can’t see the movie – he’s in a world of torment because he wants desperately to put his arm around the girl, to touch her – but he knows he can’t just DO it…not without her agreement. And in the absence of her permission he’s bewildered – should he go forward? Wait? Retreat? He’s stuck in NEUTRAL. Imagine spending your life like that and you have a window into what Life In Neutral feels like for many men.

Meanwhile, in the same theater, approximately 1 half inch away she sits waiting for him. Hoping, perhaps longing – and much of the time becoming more and more frustrated. Eventually he makes his move. Even though she wanted it before, she doesn’t want it now.. its not personal, its an energetic thing. Consider this – for the last little while his energy has vacillated between tense and tentative and tense and neutral and she’s instinctively turned off by that. Instead of melting into the ‘safety’ of his arms, she’s stiff, unresponsive and irritated. His inner critic instantly begins kicking his ass for screwing things up. Or perhaps he becomes irritated in response to her irritation. She asks what’s wrong – he doesn’t respond, preferring to keep his thoughts to himself.. thinking ‘why make things worse than they already are?’. Both come away from the encounter thinking…I don’t like this..I don’t understand you.

In many of our relationships, the masculine NEUTRAL causes the person carrying the feminine energy to shift gears in an attempt to restore the polarity balance. They becomes strong and unwavering to counter the void they perceive in the NEUTRAL guy. This is a MASSIVE energy drain for her – with one person feeling they have to be strong and unwavering and dynamic and ephemeral by turns…and the other person stuck in Neutral. What many of us fail to understand is that it is our desire to please, the desire to show up as something else – keeping your masculinity in check and defined by popular culture and goofy ass media representations is at the heart of why you and your woman dont get along as well as you could. NEUTRAL keeps you from the passion that you both need and deserve.

YES you can change things, but there’s a cost associated with that..

Most men that I know carry around a secret reserve of strength – but because they are stuck in neutral most of the time, like a car – the engine is running, but the drivetrain isn’t engaged and they are unable to move either forward or backward. Because of spending so much time in the neutral zone where ‘being a GOOD man’ is seen as being very dis-passionate and agreeable, this can be very confusing to the man stuck in Neutral.

“I try to get along with everyone” – “I do my job, I don’t cause trouble” and this one – which is probably the most confusing and the source of the most unintended heartache in relationships: “I try to get along with her and go along with just about EVERYTHING that she wants…and we still do not get along!!! I DONT GET IT! I devote my life, my finances, my resources…everything to her happiness…and she’s STILL not happy. WTF!?”

I hear this a lot from men that are confused and unhappy – they are doing what they consider to be their very best at being a ‘good guy’ – and it seems that the more they try to ‘make her happy’ the more her irritation seems to be on a hair trigger. These guys are often situationally wavery and generally are perceived by most people that they know as a ‘good guy’- they try their best to get along with everyone by not being objectionable to anyone. Because they don’t ‘stand’ for anything, they have no passionate positions or feeling about anything (other than getting along with everyone and being nice) they are often frustrated as to why they aren’t noticed, are passed over for promotions or leadership positions and do not feel like they are truly ‘seen’ by anyone. They push this frustration down into their belly and spend a lot of their thought-life imagining living a life that is drastically different from the life that they feel ‘stuck’ in.

And I’d smile and nod and still keep my veil firmly in place. Frankly I didn’t want to be seen as one of “those” people. I didn’t want to have to deal with the judgment, the misunderstanding and all of that – that tends to go with it. I didn’t want to seem arrogant. I didn’t want to deal with the expectations.

But no more. In the last few months, I’ve been prodded and whispered to. The word that keeps coming up is “Visibility”.

The reality is this… if you come to me – for coaching, for counsel, for education. If I speak at your event, or you come into my sphere- it is highly likely that Source, your Higher Power, whatever you wish to call that energy – will have a message for you that will not come from me but will travel THROUGH me.

It happens.

I’m not saying this to tell you how to respond. The message isn’t mine anyway. Believe or not. Accept it or reject it. I love you either way.

I’m putting this out there to lift my own veil – to stand Naked and Unashamed. It’s time to be completely and complexly me…it’s time to be fully seen.

Live. Love. Lush and Fearless,

P.S – If you’d like a sacred container to hold you, love you, accept you as you Transform – I invite you to join:http://tinyurl.com/GetSOFT

This is my rifle. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my rifle and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of our enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.”

If you don’t know that is a quote from Full Metal Jacket.

In the early morning haze, my brain translated “rifle” in the quote to “life” so the first 3 sentences became…

I cracked up wen I realized this. Then I read it again and realized the truth of this. There are many other lives- but this one is MINE. Then another sentence “Without me, my life is useless”.

That really landed for me. The need for my life to reflect me- absolutely. For ME to show up in my life and how I’m living. For my essence to be infused in my world. My biz. My relationship.

It all has to reflect ME. Not someone else. And that’s the truth of the thing. When I’m loving it’s the way I love, passionately. With all of my being. Toe-curling, cheeks-hurting-from-laughing-so-much, watching-him-breath, living in Fascination.

It’s my hope that I always remember this – This is my life… and without me – it’s useless.

Live. Love. Lush and Fearless,

P.S – If you’d like a sacred container to hold you, love you, accept you as you Transform – I invite you to join:http://tinyurl.com/GetSOFT

Im not implying that authenticity demands that we embrace the antithesis of being ‘nice’ – I don’t want to demonize that word, because I truly believe that it is always appropriate to be a generally pleasant person, regardless of one’s gender. On the other hand, I also know that the tidal forces of attraction, of passion in our relationships are ignited by the celebration of our differences. There must be a tension of sorts between the ‘poles’ if you will of masculine and feminine energies.

Feminine energy can show up in being dynamic and ephemeral…its counterpart, masculine energy shows up as being strong and unwavering. The tension between those two states of being = polarity. Polarity provides a transformative energy to our relationships – using the energy of polarity we each become more interesting in the eyes of the other – we become interesting, wondrous beings that generate attraction because we are so different and therefore special – we are unique and worthy of attention because of the energy of polarity.

The importance of Men ‘showing up’

When men park our masculinity in ‘neutral’ – we stop showing up in the world as a generator of polarity in our relationship. Neither hot nor cold, we are comfortably ‘still’ vibrationally speaking. Easy going, we spend most of our time in our heads, thinking our thoughts. Physically we may appear to be vaguely distracted, like we are listening to a barely audible radio station that is broadcasting something really important that only we can hear. Constantly living between the now and the ‘not yet’ these men seem to have all their energy in reserve. Almost always ‘reserving’ your energy, your judgement, your passion – you seem to be perpetually waiting for something. This is a source of frustration for many women and a growing area of confusion for many men. For men stuck in Neutral -all can seem like peace and tranquility on the surface. Nothing ‘bad’ is happening, there has not been an argument or a cross word spoken in ages – you appear to be ‘getting along’. As a result you feel blindsided by her sudden irritation or unhappiness and you think that she’s just making things up, just being disagreeable for no reason or just being unfairly emotional about nothing. After all, YOU havent done anything to be objectionable about, right? Bingo.

How Nothing becomes a Big Deal

The ‘nothing’ that is going on in your relationship eventually puts her in a state of unease that grows and grows until it eventually erupts in some dramatic and unexpected way. You arent contributing your passion to the relationship. You arent really present during conversations and rarely if ever voice a strongly held opinion about ANYTHING. When do YOU bring things up that YOU want to talk about? When’s the last time you had a discussion where SHE was the person that couldnt fit a word in edgewise because you were talking so much? You think being quiet and calm and unassuming equates with being ‘easy to get along with’ when the reality is that your silences are becoming more and more frustrating for your woman. She feels like she’s carrying everything on her shoulders and making all the decisions. She decides everything – you just agree. That’s called Not Showing Up for y’all playing the home version.

You literally arent showing up on the radar…which means that the pleasure she once took in taking care of you gets drained out of the bucket over time …because you arent ‘in residence’ she ends up feeling like she’s taking RESPONSIBLITY for both of you. Which is exhausting for her and puts her in a very masculine mindset and energy. You think you are ‘in charge’ because she asks your opinion…some of the time? Or checks with you periodically to see if you’re still alive and have something to contribute? Why is she irritable? Perhaps because running on that kind of fuel doesnt ‘feed’ her (like it used to feed you) – therefore she’s always exhausted and feels like she’s burning the candle at both ends. Yah, I know Im sounding a little harsh around the edges here. That’s okay – I really need you to wake the fuck up before things blow up. So yes – Im hitting you with a few shots here, but trust me its all in love. The alarm clock is irritating by design – otherwise you would oversleep every day. Dont hit the snooze button. Pay attention.

Today we have an awesome interview with Erica Tucci author of “Radiant Survivor” an amazing book of inspiration and transformation! Check out what Erica has to say and Look at her blog http://radiantsurvivor.com and http://ericatucci.com

What perspective have you previously had on life that was most profoundly affected by Gratitude?

We all have both masculine and feminine aspects within our psyches. Before my stroke, I operated more out of my masculine side, being very driven, controlling and ego-based with a “what’s in it for me?” mindset. After my stroke, I began to shift to a more nurturing, feminine consciousness, where I started asking instead “how can I serve others?”

I began to realize more that life wasn’t just about “me”; it was about “we.” It’s not to say that I had no concern for others since I already had a fledgling healing arts business, but I felt I was more concerned with the recognition I would get by being successful and “what would people think of me?”

When I had my stroke, my perspective changed significantly. First, I was so grateful for just being able to survive my ordeal, with the unwavering goal of fully recovering. And as I went through my recovery (and continue to go through it), I realized that what was really important in life were the relationships I had with myself and others, and most importantly with my inner “Godliness,” my inner Divinity. It wasn’t about my material possessions or the recognition from others or how I looked. As I moved to a more heart-centered place, I saw how powerful these relationships were in fulfilling my deep desire to use my situation as an inspiration to give hope to others that they too could survive any life challenge that they may be facing. Although it may sound inane to some, I looked at my stroke as a gift from heaven and am thankful for the blessings I have received from having it.

I see life with such a different perspective now, one in which I don’t take anything for granted any more. And I take one day at a time, one moment at a time because we never know from one minute to the next what will happen. I certainly didn’t expect to have a stroke!

How did you come to realize that increasing Gratitude could be a key element in Thriving?

To elaborate on what I have just said, it’s so much more uplifting if we focus our attention on what we have, not what we don’t have. Again, that means looking at life “in the present.” Don’t be concerned with what the future may hold for you; it hasn’t happened yet. And don’t fret about what happened in the past; that’s over with…Kaput! Enjoy each moment of every day as much as you can.

See the joys in the little things…a beautiful flower as it opens up, the sun on your back, a child’s smile, a hug, etc. Cherish your loved ones. Seek out what gives meaning to your life and go after it passionately. Live your life to the fullest! As I moved down the road to recovery, attempting to enjoy my life as it was, and thinking about how I could use my situation to help others, that’s when I decided to write my book.

I was already an author of three books and I loved to write. So I put my writing cap on once again (luckily I was left-handed since it was my right side that was paralyzed from my stroke!). And as I wrote it, I realized that doing so became a part of my healing since writing was always very cathartic for me. And each day of my continued progress in my healing, I feel the messages in my book resonate more and more strongly in my heart, and I AM GRATEFUL for what I have learned from having a stroke.

How do Belief, Gratitude and Receiving work together in your life?

Believing in yourself means to me that you have a deep self love, knowing that you have a special gift to offer the world, whatever it may be, and that no matter what the challenges are in your life, you can overcome them. Believing in yourself comes from within, from that heart center where the Divine fiber of your true essence resonates. When you surrender to that power within – with its self love, self admiration, self awareness – you begin to feel grateful for who you are and what you have in your life. Life takes on new meaning. You “receive” or encounter more joy, more inner peace, more pleasure in your life. And as this inner contentment grows within your heart, it can’t help but radiate outward to touch other people’s lives too.

As I mentioned above, what’s really important in life are relationships you have with yourself and others, and your communion with your inner Divinity. As I learn to live from this place in my heart, my life has begun to flow more organically, with grace and ease.

We were talking this morning listening to the rain outside, Namaste was looking at some of her material for an upcoming workshop she is leading called “Exhale” which focuses on teaching women how to add the power of the feminine back into their lives.

She turned to me and read me a passage from her notes;

“To lead a fulfilling, healthy and passionate life where we create what we want for ourselves and our communities, we must start adding the feminine principle back into our experience to compliment the strong and unwavering masculine.”

She then followed that up with a question – “If the feminine is all about being dynamic and ephemeral, and the masculine counterpart is strong and unwavering…do you see the masculine principle today showing up as strong and unwavering?”

I had to think about that for a while – as much as I would like to say an emphatic YES – Im elated to report that the masculine is showing up in the world as strong and unwavering as EVAR!!…that’s really not true. I must say that in my experience Im seeing the obverse of strong and unwavering from the masculine these days. Nevertheless I don’t want to cast wide aspersions here – its not all doom and gloom – actually what I see most often is a masculine principle that is neutral most of the time, strong when it MUST be strong and wavering situationally most of the time.

Stuck in neutral

Before I learned to drive, whenever my parents would take me with them running errands or visiting friends, I would often stay in the car I would immediately hop into the drivers seat and sit there, imagining the day when I would be able to drive. Driving to me at that pre-teen stage of my life represented the ultimate freedom. To be able to go where I wanted – awesome! Looking at what appeared to be an incredible array of instrumentation, I remember noticing for the first time the letters above the steering column…PRND321…

R obviously was for Reverse, D for drive and so on. What about N? N for me at that time was a mystery – I asked my Dad and found out that N was for Neutral. What’s Neutral? – Neutral is for when the engine is running, but the car isn’t moving. Neutral disengages the gears so you can’t use the engine to move the vehicle either forward or backward.

What does this have to do with the masculine principle? Many men are ‘stuck’ in Neutral. We do not feel strongly one way or the other about most things…and we’ve been indoctrinated by our society that the highest acceptable expression of masculinity that one should aspire to is the development of a personality that is easy going, easy to get along with – accommodating and ‘nice’. Not fierce, strong, unwavering, consistent – just ‘nice’. Nice guys end up in the ‘friend’ box all the time and are bewildered why the women they are into cant “just see” how much they are into them. Being stuck in neutral keeps us from showing up as strong and unwavering. Instead, men believe that we can inspire passion and desire through being easygoing, accomodating to a fault, and giving into and over anything that is requested of us. Showing up in this way has serious repercussions for our relationships, regardless of the duration.

No Polarity = No Passion

A lack of polarity thwarts the dance of courtship – men who do not inhabit the masculine rarely if ever show up on the ‘radar’ of the women they are interested in. A relationship in its infancy will be stillborn – even though the man may believe that he’s doing everything neccessary to make her happy and therefore inspire attraction to him, he’s often secretly heartbroken when her attentions wane and his affections are not returned in equal measure. Older relationships that have slowly drifted away from polarity experience a gradual descent from passion into a quiet platonic friendship. Which can be satisfying for a time…until something or someone happens, sometimes external to the relationship that inspires polarity in either the masculine or the feminine. As changes in the waterlevel in a lake can cause islands to appear that were not previously visible, the appearance of polarity adjacent to a polarity-less relationship can quickly expose a lack of passion.

One of the most common thing I see with women in relationships is the tendency to “Push.”

It’s one of the things I hear comedians talk about all the time. How women don’t know how to let go, how to be quiet. When to stop.

This is true. While the Masculine tends to become VERY still, detached, check out when they get frustrated, the Feminine becomes more and more contracted, shrill, and in some ways, hyper focused on nuance.

Here’s the thing ladies- if you’re wanting a Masculine Man. A conscious masculine man – you have to lean back and provide space for him to find his masculine expression.

No, you can’t TELL him what that will look like- as how a man’s masculine essence shows up is different for each man.

When Richard and I first met I knew that I wanted a Beloved whose vision I could follow. Who would treat me as a queen and who would be my king, with all that entailed.

I knew that I wanted to surrender in my love of my Beloved. Yes, I said surrender. The idea of a relationship in which I am always pushing, pressing and forcing my “rights”, “will”, and “needs” sounds exhausting to me. My core desired feelings in a love relationship are to feel precious, protected, appreciated and intoxicating. At no time did I want an adversarial relationship with my Love.

I also knew enough about myself and had 10 years of marriage under my belt to know that I could be opinionated, passionate and pushy at times. I had to learn to change some of that if I was going to attract a masculine man and then have the ability to sustain the relationship.

Add to all of this abandonment issues and rejection/trust issues and I was a prime target to get into a relationship that was horrid at one end and mundane at the other.

Then how did I end up with the Man of my DREAMS? A man who’s conscious, intelligent, emotionally available, passionate and spiritual?

Basically, I learned to lean back. What does that mean? It means I learned that if I was going to be in a happy, thriving relationship I had to let go of some of my issues surrounding control – even though they seemed quite justified and very much in alignment with what society said was appropriate.

Leaning back and Diving in – is all about not attempting to push your thoughts, feelings, perspectives on the man in order to manipulate him to do what you want him to do. In fact – if you’re approaching any of this from a place of “Great – if I do _____ than it’ll make him/get him to do ______” you’re already leaning in and doing it wrong.

Love is never about Force or manipulation.

So often when I read the information and suggestions given to women concerning creating and sustaining relationships it seems like the idea of being love and giving love is totally absent.

The goal is to GET love.

Wrong.

Love is freely given. Leaning back says:

“I will interact with you from a place of my own power and serenity. I know who I am, I am invested in being close to you, and I give to you acceptance.

That acceptance may mean that our paths are compatible for a relationship for now or forever. It may also mean that our paths are incompatible and I’m okay with that as well. I will allow myself to feel what I’m feeling without the compulsion to project it onto you verbally or emotionally. I will Dive into the universes within myself and the deep wisdom and nurturing I can provide my heart and soul. Every time I feel the need to Push – instead I’ll Dive deeper within my own depths. ”

Sit with that for a bit. It’s scary I know – but all great things have a bit of fear in their undertaking. If you need help – contact us!

Love,

P.S – If you’d like a sacred container to hold you, love you, accept you as you Transform – I invite you to join:http://tinyurl.com/GetSOFT

Stress affects all of us – I understand that. Being a Man, however – I also understand what it feels like to walk around feeling like Im watching my life through my own eyes. When that happens, when Im truly stressed out – although I may appear on the surface to be calm and unruffled, the reality is that underneath, Im completely somewhen else. You know the feeling – you can appear to be present, and certainly your physical frame is there going through the motions – going shopping, attending an event with your beloved, doing something with the kids or appearing to enjoy a nice meal with a friend. Your body is there, smiling or laughing in the socially acceptable places, nodding, looking interested and even contributing a comment or two when the conversation starts getting severely lopsided and you realize you aren’t really contributing to the substance of what is going on.

When are you? Most Men are adept at this particular form of duality – being physically present, but mentally and energetically occupying a different reality.

When are you today? We each have an opportunity to inhabit both non-local and local reality. When you are stressed, where do you go? As men we can often seem detached and distant from what is going on around us – when we are under stress we can mentally inhabit a different WHEN. Today, be conscious of WHEN you are. Are you focused on yesterday? What happened at work last week? Something from 3 years ago? An impending deadline? You cannot be present TODAY and someWHEN else at the same time. Commit to bringing your best self to those that you love and care about. Just for today – concentrate on being HERE, being NOW.

Is this you? How to find out.

I know….some of y’all have hard heads as my Pops used to say. Trust me on this – you aren’t fooling anyone. She knows when you “aren’t home” – thats when you get the gentle and tentative arm rub in the middle of a conversation…the ‘you okay babe?’ look in her eyes. Know what I mean? You arent being the ‘strong and silent type’….you arent THERE. So there’s your clue by four – you need to be more present. Here’s my advice to you.

Come Home.

Many men approach the prospect of our being a ‘real’ man from a flawed premise;
e.g. the more you DO the more you are worth.
the more money you make, the better you will feel.
the more that you HAVE, the more you AREa better way to approach this would be – the better you FEEL, the more you ALLOW.

Having a Heart Focus

Focus on your heart – concentrate on opening your heart and looking around from your heartand letting your attention come from THAT place, your heart place, instead of your head. Like Tony Stark in Iron Man – envision your heart as your POWER center and shine your light from there – let your attention come from there and pay attention to what your heart has to say to you. Literally ‘breathe’ through your heart – take a deep breath and imagine it coming through your heart and when you exhale, exhale through that same place. ALLOW yourself to be present. ALLOW yourself to be NOW instead of some OTHER WHEN.

You’ll feel differently almost immediately.

Get in your body and out of your head. Simple things – reach out and touch your beloved.

Pick up a stone. Feel its weight in your hand.

Feel the weight and presence of your body sitting in the chair reading this.

Send your consciousness down into the soles of your feet – FEEL where you are and feel literally grounded – connected to the earth.

Remember – You cannot be present TODAY and someWHEN else at the same time. Commit to bringing your best self to those that you love and care about. Just for today – concentrate on being HERE, being NOW.

In this podcast we’re talking about Men and Women and the need of us VALUING each other and our differences.

This series is one that imparts deep wisdom as far as WHY men and women have issues with one another why it is that the more apparently “free” from gender norms we’ve become the more dissatisfied in our relationships we are.

This is part 1 in the series.

Take a listen, share, comment and be sure to subscribe to know when more podcasts are released!