“Can you fix my Windows 95 computer?”: How to troll a tech support scammer

Pity the poor employees of companies like “Windows Technical Support"—scammers who make money by "fixing" computers that were never broken in the first place. For the people who pose as Windows support technicians and cold call unsuspecting victims to warn them about bogus viruses, life is good as long as they can wrangle credit card numbers and remote PC access from the gullible.

The scammer—who is generally from India but claims to live in the same country as the victim—tells whoever picks up the phone that their computer has been identified as having a virus. The scammer directs the user to look in the Windows Event Viewer, which shows a generally harmless list of error messages, and then says that this is a sign of serious infection. From there, the scammer convinces his mark to install a piece of software allowing remote access into the computer to clean up the problem, and to pay several hundred dollars in fees for the service. It's often known as the "ammyy" scam because users are sometimes directed to www.ammyy.com to install the remote desktop software.

Not everyone falls for it. The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) didn’t, last week busting six fake tech support companies with names like Virtual PC Solutions and PCCare247 after having undercover agents pose as victims. Ars editor Nate Anderson didn’t fall for it, either, playing a helpless victim on the phone for 15 minutes before revealing that he knew what had been going on the whole time.

But the serious "scam trolls" elevate scammer-baiting to an art form, sometimes wasting as much as two hours on the phone as they see just how long a scammer will stay on the line. The tech support scam is an international phenomenon, and the scam trolls likewise come from across the globe. Many record their interactions with the scammers and post them for the world to hear—and learn from. Here's how the masters do it.

Please wait two hours while my dial-up connects to CompuServe

While some troll scammers as a public service to prevent people from being victimized, others are simply out for laughs. Case in point: a person calling himself "Ted" kept a scammer on the phone for nearly two hours, recording the last 43 minutes and posting them to SoundCloud last week.

“Thank you for two hours of your time, you dumb motherf****r”

A good troll is a prepared troll, and Ted was ready. He dragged out the call by pretending to connect his Windows 95 and Windows Vista computers to CompuServe via dial-up Internet, by providing an expired credit card number, and by providing absurd answers to basic questions.

Ted spent much of his call pretending to struggle to connect to the Internet. "OK, so you want me to connect to the Internet with this. God, it’s an hour and eight minutes we’ve been on the phone, this is taking forever. All right, hold on, so this is called—I need to connect it to the phone. It's called an acoustic coupler… Hold on one second. All right, it's not connecting to my CompuServe account for some reason. Let me try my AOL account, hold on."

Ted switched back and forth between his Windows 95 and Windows Vista computers. On Vista, Ted claimed he couldn't follow the scammer's instructions until he finished installing the non-existent Service Pack 3 (Vista only has two service packs).

Ted asked the scammer if he could make his Windows 95 computer run as fast as his Windows Vista one, and professed his desire to be a good citizen. "I want this machine to be secured, for sure," he said. "And I don’t want my machine being dangerous, for sure, I mean that would be bad, that would be very bad, I don’t want it to be bad, I want it to be good. I’m a responsible Internet user, I don’t want to be some of these hacker types that infect the Web and stuff like that."

The scammer tried to direct Ted to the ammyy website:

Ted: So, I’m connected to CompuServe. What now, what do you need me to do?

Scammer: I need you to open the website, www.

Ted: Hold on. www, d-o-t

Scammer: No, it's not d-o-t. It's www. Full stop.

Ted: Www dot full stop, yup.

Scammer: Sir, it's not like that, it's not like that. Sir, how do you open up any website, sir? www.google.com. www.yahoo.com?

Ted: Yes. Oh, I see what you're saying. I was confused, sorry. So what site do I open? You want me to go to fullstop.com?

Scammer: Sorry?

Ted: You said to go to fullstop.com, right?

Scammer: No. No sir. www.ammyy.com.

Through it all, Ted periodically replays the dial-up modem connection sound when he has to "reconnect," tells the scammer he doesn't have Internet Explorer but uses Mosaic to surf the Web, and claims to be worried about his online banking because he wants to move a large amount of money out of his account. After initially providing an expired credit card number, Ted gives the scammer a real one—or at least one that sounds authentic enough for the scammer to start verifying Ted's birth date and other information.

Scammer: Confirm your date of birth, please.

Ted: Oh yes.

Scammer: Will you confirm it please?

Ted: Did you give it to me? What is it, what do you have?

Scammer: No, you need to tell me your date of birth.

Ted: OK. Oh, you want my date of birth right now. It’s June.

Scammer: June?

Ted: Yes.

Scammer: Ok, like, uh, June 12th , June 10th, when is it, sir?

Ted: Oh yes. June 12th.

Scammer: Can you confirm me the year?

Ted: 1950.

Suddenly, Ted is claiming to be hot and tense and says, "I need to take off my pants, it's way too hot." Next, he tells the scammer to address him less formally.

Once the scammer says Ted will have to pay $700 to fix his computer and for ongoing support, Ted tells him to add $50 for himself because of how helpful he's been. The scammer happily accepts the tip... just before Ted concludes with a brutal, "Thank you for two hours of your time, you dumb motherfucker," and hangs up the phone.

158 Reader Comments

I always make it a point to talk to these people as long as possible when I have the time. I figure every hour I can suck from their lives is an hour they aren't taking money from someone's grandparents.

I really love it when I get cold called by companies. Seriously makes my day. Unfortunately, they no longer do. It gets so disappointing when the phone rings and it's someone I know.

Even the PPI calls have stopped, which I'm amazed at.

I wonder if these scammers have there own blacklist, you know, for people such as me who are prepared to waste hours of their time.

If you can, get yourself on it, sure beats the governments "do not call" list by a long chalk.

I ALWAYS pretend I'm elderly. You can practically hear the greed at the other end of the line, and once you've got their greed up and running, thinking "yeah, I've got one here, for sure", it's then you can really toy with them.

Just so you know, when they ask for my credit card, that's when I can sit back and have a cup of tea, maybe watch a quick episode of friends. I just tell them "I'll just go and find it, I'll need to find my glasses, is that ok"....

Then sit back, have a brew. Put your feet up, and come back on the phone. 9 times out of 10, they are still there. It's amazing. 45 minutes was the best time I had them just on the phone, whilst I was sat on my couch.

No wonder they don't call any more. Much to my own disappointment. Perhaps I pushed it too far...

I personally have never received one of these call's but There must be something more that can be done to warn people about stuff like this. Every time I hear about a call like this it makes me nervous for my parents and other people in my life.

There's no doubt that wasting these people's time is the best way of hurting them - of course to do that you end up wasting your time as well, so it's a two-edged sword. I did try an interesting variant once, getting all evangelical on the dumb schmuck trying to scam me and telling him there were better things he could do with his life than phone up strangers and tell them a pack of lies. Amazingly, by the end of it he sounded almost contrite and said he would look into getting a different job.

Unfortunately the most satisfying response to these calls (opening up with a barrage of swearwords) is probably just water off a duck's back to them.

I got another call from the scammers just today, talked for 25 minutes at first and then three more times for a total of an hour. Here's a list of my real and pretend difficulties:

1. My screensaver would turn on all the time and I had to enter a password (false)2. I was chewing loudly throughout the conversation (true -- what can I say, I love my roughage)3. I didn't have any errors in the event log (true -- well, almost)4. I was on dialup and their software downloaded very slowly (false)5. I typed d-o-t instead of dot, just like in the article above (true). I spelled it aloud to help them help me.6. My home phone battery went down and our talk was disconnected repeatedly (true)7. The support site wouldn't open (false)8. I called the "Report abuse" number of LogMeIn, described the situation and gave them the two six-digit keys I got from the scammers, while still talking to the scammer on the other line (true)

Unfortunately, I don't have all the time in the world to be talking to the scammers, otherwise I may still have been on the phone with them...

These clowns called my Mom who though she has a BS of science in computer information sciences claims she only knows enough about computers to be dangerous. She launched a secured VM in full screen, told them she didn't know what the guy was talking about and handed my eleven year-old the phone. What the guy didn't hear was her giving him a quick explanation that the guy on the phone was trying to steal Nana's money through the computer (he and I had already had this talk as I make him read Ars aloud for reading practice) and to drag things out and play dumb.

I've found that the easiest way to fuck with scammers and telemarketers is to appear interested/gullible but ask them to "please hold" right at the start and then see how much patience they have before they finally hang up.

There's no doubt that wasting these people's time is the best way of hurting them - of course to do that you end up wasting your time as well, so it's a two-edged sword. I did try an interesting variant once, getting all evangelical on the dumb schmuck trying to scam me and telling him there were better things he could do with his life than phone up strangers and tell them a pack of lies. Amazingly, by the end of it he sounded almost contrite and said he would look into getting a different job.

Unfortunately the most satisfying response to these calls (opening up with a barrage of swearwords) is probably just water off a duck's back to them.

I can rationalize spending the time because even though it is a waste of time I 1. have some fun, 2. prevent him from truly scamming someone else for a while and 3. waste the scam company's time and money. It's relatively easy to create a virtual machine but difficult to impossible for someone who's been scammed to get their money back.

Keeping scammers on the line doesn't work. Remember people in India earn almost 50x less than people in US. So for Indians, $15M stolen is equivalent to $750M stolen by a US citizen. Couple that with the absence of any consequences and you'll realize they don't mind wasting a couple of hours on the phone.

These clowns called my Mom who though she has a BS of science in computer information sciences claims she only knows enough about computers to be dangerous. She launched a secured VM in full screen, told them she didn't know what the guy was talking about and handed my eleven year-old the phone. What the guy didn't hear was her giving him a quick explanation that the guy on the phone was trying to steal Nana's money through the computer (he and I had already had this talk as I make him read Ars aloud for reading practice) and to drag things out and play dumb.

Junior's face did the Grinch smile and he was off to the races.

I can pratically feel his glee!

Does (should) Microsoft put out any kind of announcement to make it clear they don't (and wouldn't) call people like this? How does Grandma or Joe Mechanic find out this is a scam before it's too late? (Besides hanging onto their brain cells when sitting at their computer.)

Scamming/trolling the scammers is great, but the FBI takes a very, VERY dim view of people claiming to be with the agency, who aren't. Troll all you want, but don't be stupid.

Just tell them you are with Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division (S.H.I.E.L.D.). It's fictitious, but it sounds authentic.

"Sir, are you aware that you have contacted Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division? We have traced your IP and triangulated your location. The hellicarrier will be there shortly with agents to arrest you for interfering with and attempting to defraud a government agency. I warn you, they are authorized to use lethal force if any resistance is encountered. I hope you like Git-mo."

These clowns called my Mom who though she has a BS of science in computer information sciences claims she only knows enough about computers to be dangerous. She launched a secured VM in full screen, told them she didn't know what the guy was talking about and handed my eleven year-old the phone. What the guy didn't hear was her giving him a quick explanation that the guy on the phone was trying to steal Nana's money through the computer (he and I had already had this talk as I make him read Ars aloud for reading practice) and to drag things out and play dumb.

Junior's face did the Grinch smile and he was off to the races.

Kids can be pure evil to adults when given the go ahead. I would pay good money to see your kid in action against these trolls.

I'm still trying to wrap my heard around the fact that there are people who still fall for this scam in this day and age. If you wouldn't do it for a person in a face to face situation, don't do it over the phone or web either!

These clowns called my Mom who though she has a BS of science in computer information sciences claims she only knows enough about computers to be dangerous. She launched a secured VM in full screen, told them she didn't know what the guy was talking about and handed my eleven year-old the phone. What the guy didn't hear was her giving him a quick explanation that the guy on the phone was trying to steal Nana's money through the computer (he and I had already had this talk as I make him read Ars aloud for reading practice) and to drag things out and play dumb.

Scamming/trolling the scammers is great, but the FBI takes a very, VERY dim view of people claiming to be with the agency, who aren't. Troll all you want, but don't be stupid.

Just tell them you are with Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division (S.H.I.E.L.D.). It's fictitious, but it sounds authentic.

"Sir, are you aware that you have contacted Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division? We have traced your IP and triangulated your location. The hellicarrier will be there shortly with agents to arrest you for interfering with and attempting to defraud a government agency. I warn you, they are authorized to use lethal force if any resistance is encountered. I hope you like Git-mo."

Now why didn't I think of that? Of course, in my day, it was the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement.

I really love it when I get cold called by companies. Seriously makes my day. Unfortunately, they no longer do. It gets so disappointing when the phone rings and it's someone I know.

Even the PPI calls have stopped, which I'm amazed at.

I wonder if these scammers have there own blacklist, you know, for people such as me who are prepared to waste hours of their time.

If you can, get yourself on it, sure beats the governments "do not call" list by a long chalk.

I ALWAYS pretend I'm elderly. You can practically hear the greed at the other end of the line, and once you've got their greed up and running, thinking "yeah, I've got one here, for sure", it's then you can really toy with them.

Just so you know, when they ask for my credit card, that's when I can sit back and have a cup of tea, maybe watch a quick episode of friends. I just tell them "I'll just go and find it, I'll need to find my glasses, is that ok"....

Then sit back, have a brew. Put your feet up, and come back on the phone. 9 times out of 10, they are still there. It's amazing. 45 minutes was the best time I had them just on the phone, whilst I was sat on my couch.

No wonder they don't call any more. Much to my own disappointment. Perhaps I pushed it too far...

Sadly I don't think they have a blacklist. I've played along with them a couple of times, about 30 mins always telling them at the end it's a scam and what not and they still call my house like once a month.

"Um, okay, now I'm trying to let you connect, but there's a warning here saying your computer isn't secure. It says you're going to have to delete a....a 'C:\windows\system32\' folder, whatever that is. Could you please do that quickly? I really want your help getting rid of all these viruses on my system!"

"I am calling you from Windows" reminds me of how they stupidly stick Windows logos over the back logos of all laptops and displays in The Guild. I am guessing they are sponsored by Microsoft or something, but boy does that make the show look (even more) retarded.