The Second Look That Gets Him To Come Over

Last week I had that magical moment of seeing something work that I’ve known and written and spoken about for years proven to my face. And what’s more, it worked on me.

I’m talking about “The Look”.

Those familiar with Matt’s seminars (or the GetTheGuy book) will know that something he always stresses is the importance of looking over at a guy when you want him to approach you.

But there is an addition to this simple idea that Matt always stresses:

“You can’t just look at a guy once. This is what so many women do: they look over, catch eye contact with a guy for a split second, turn away and then think “Ok, he knows I’m interested.”

No, he definitely doesn’t.

This is where my story comes in.

About a week ago, I was at a sushi place in London queuing to pay for a chicken katsu curry (Jesus, I already miss that katsu curry, it was so damn good), when I spotted two young women sitting down in the corner booth.

They were giggling and indulgently enjoying hearty sips from their tumblers of green-camomille-peach-whatever-flavour bubble tea, generally being all feminine and attractive and lovely, when I noticed one of them look over in my direction.

I was sure our eyes met for a second. I smiled. She held eye contact for a tiny moment, then turned back to her friend and they carried on talking.

Once I paid for my food I sat down propped on a swingy chair facing the glass window that looked out onto the busy London street. The women were behind me now, as I proceeded to eat the best damn katsu curry I’ve had in a long time, and at the exact moment I expertly dipped the breadcrumbed chicken into my side dish of soy sauce (with chopsticks and everything), I had a sudden, brilliant inspired thought, which was this: “I will talk to her before she leaves”.

I was sure of it. I had decided. And that was that.

Happy in my excellent decision, I polished off the chicken, and started spooning the last few soy-drenched edamame beans into my mouth, feeling absurdly proud of my decision despite having not yet made a single actual move towards conversation with this woman.

I looked back once more, and saw that she was also looking back in my direction. I felt even more ready now, even more sure that this decision to approach her was definitely 100% an absolutely brilliant idea.

I turned back to finish my food, absent-mindedly listening to a podcast on my iPhone as I downed half a can of diet coke.

And that’s when it all went wrong.

As I turned around one more time, I noticed the chairs where the women were just sitting were now empty.

I spun my head around to the door and noticed they were both walking through the glass doors out onto the street, leaving the sushi place, and presumably my life, forever.

My heart sank.

I looked at them both one more hopeless time as they walked out of the restaurant, and then something incredible happened.

As they walked out the door, the woman I had been looking at turned back one more time, looked at me through the glass, and smiled. It was the kind of plaintive smile that said: “Yup, I was looking at you, and you didn’t come over, you stupid dumb man. We could have been talking right now but you blew it. Are you sure that’s the memory you want of this day?”

And that was when I finally made the decision: Go after her!

I started to walk down the street after them, even breaking into a slight jog as they got further away. I knew I had to catch them soon just to prove to myself I wasn’t some crazy stalker.

“Excuse me,” I said.

She turned around, and upon realizing that the guy from the sushi place had followed them down the street, her and her friend giggled excitedly.

“I was looking over at you in there…” I continued, “and I just wondered if you’re single”. It wasn’t the best opening line but at this point I was just trying to get my mouth to open a make words come out of it.

“I am.”

“In that case, I’d love to take your number and go for a drink some time soon.”

“That’d be great.”

As I reached for my phone, her friend nodded in approval of my act of bravery, sighed, and said, “good decision”. It was as if she was saying “You got there in the end.”

I put in my phone number, feeling ridiculously impressed with myself, but at the same time realizing that if it wasn’t for that extra couple of looks from her, there was no way I would have felt like there was an obvious signal for me to approach.

The second look works.

I know it works because it works on me.

This isn’t some romantic story about me meeting the girl of my dreams. It’s just a simple snapshot of what a moment of encouragement can do. How it can spur a single chance you take that can lead to a great experience.

I’m not saying you’ll get every guy chasing you down the street if you look at him a couple of times, but never look only once. Giving him that extra 10-20% of courage with the second and third look makes it much more likely he’ll seize the moment.

And what’s life about if not those moments that make your heart skip?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

Katsu curry? So that’s what we are competing with these days? Ok. Here’s what I learned from your story. A man’s basic love of his favorite food, sport, auto, or whatever will always consume more of his mental energy and drive than his desire to meet a potential mate. So perhaps after the second look, instead of waiting on you and your cave man brain to feel the emptiness of a good curry licked clean, the woman should have stopped by before she left and said, “I so appreciate a man who loves good curry. Here’s my number, call me sometime and let’s see what else we have in common.”
Would that work for you? ;)

I had a similar scenario happen to me last week when I was at the grocery store (supermarket) but I didn’t live in the moment of encouragement like you did. I was walking into the store to pick up a few things and then I saw this handsome man picking out pumpkins. My mind went blank and all I could do was smile as I walked passed him and I gave him a look. He then looked back at me for a second and he continued to pick out pumpkins to place into his cart. Then I turned away and I picked-up a few items from the shelf. As I was leaving the pumpkin section, I gave him a second look and our eyes meet again. Then I turned away and I headed towards another section. While I was in this other section I could not help but think about the attractive guy with the pumpkins. My mind began to race with scenarios of what could have been if I just said hi. I actually thought about going back to that section to see him and then I doubted myself. I began to think that I might come across as creepy if I went back to say something to him. Sometimes when I see an attractive guy I forget to just live in the moment and just go for it. I guess I have some more work to do on living in the moment of encouragement.

Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope to give it another try when I am in that situation again. Wonderful article Stephen and you have a lovely evening.

At least there’s no garlic in Katsu curry, is there? or spinach. I luv the fact you had to finish your food first. I like my food that much too.
And you know you can’t leave us all hanging there Steve, we are gonna need the next instalment or it just won’t be educational enough!
Kathryn xx
ps. I admire your bravery, and love your writing. Very funny and naturally warm.
I went to a dance event yesterday, currently starting a UK tour then going international. It was one of the best things I’ve ever seen. The mix of narrative, music and dance were all equally important and worked together. And it is has been written to put you own meaning to it. The adult version won an Olivier award and this one has been adapted for children 7 up to discuss with their parents. I was sat right at the front, could have reached out and touched the one male dancer. It was half way through and I thought you would have loved it. I couldn’t think of anyone who would have understood it more.

Wow, Stephen. That’s impressive. It takes guts to run down the street after a woman , even with a second look. Hope it works out from here but either way, you went for it.

This post kind of makes me sad though. It reinforces just how many opportunities I’m missing out on by not being able to make eye contact like this. I have a sight impairment which means I can’t lock eyes across a crowded room once, let alone twice. I’ll have to come up with other ways to connect.

So, I see this guy 4 days a week on my train commute to my university. Lucky for me we get on and off at the same exact time those days despite the timing changing every day. He also carries around a neuroscience book and so do I even though we are in separate classes. I’ve tried to give him the “look” multiple times, but I freeze and I get nervous each time because I am so attracted to him. I’ve wanted to talk with him for weeks now but just don’t know how to make that move or have him make that move! Once this semester ends I might lose my chance and never see him again. Need advice!

Hey girl! I’m no dating expert, but I am much older and know that time slips by faster than you can realize. Start the habit of talking to any random guy or girl you see on the train or campus about the class they are taking. So, you see a history book, you can comment, “oh I had professor X. Who do you have? What do you like about him/her?” Something non-personal like that. Give them your name before you part company. Keep it short and sweet. Just get used to talking and smiling with strangers. Then one day just ask the cute guy what he thinks of his neuroscience prof. It will be easy because now you are used to talking to strangers. And it will get the door open. Even if he is not the guy for you, he might represent an opportunity to meet new people and build more friendships and find someone fabulous for yourself. Best of luck to you!

Don’t think of him as a “dating target”. Aren’t you curious why you guys have the same book ? Questions are the best ways to start a conversation, especially one you actually want to know the answer to.

What a great reminder of the “look”. You encourage me to keep up my energy and tenacity to be great and find someone great. You are so brave. We need more men like you-Stephen! That respond with courageous action in the moment. Question? Would it be something that a woman could do to a man? I give the “look” and I’ve not yet to have any man come over and approach me. Did it at a sandwich shoe yesterday….crickets. I know you might be thinking that she might not be doing it correctly. Which might be correct but I really don’t think that is correct. I guess I’m a little frustrated with dropping the “handkerchief” and nothing happens! ha ha I guess I need to up the cardio and run after these guys.– Happy Wednesday friends

Important Note: While I do believe – and have seen proof – that the advice and programs I provide can help you improve your love life , please understand that not everyone will experience the exact same results. To get the best results, you must use the advice I give you. Every person is an individual and every situation is unique so no single piece of advice will work for everyone at every time.
But I can tell you that if you read the advice and continually apply it in your life, your chances of success increase dramatically.
And I’m here to help you every step of the way. Let’s get started!