Amy’s Blog

by Amy Meyer Allen ​When I found out my husband had been going to prostitutes for over a year and half without me realizing it, I was both shocked and relieved. Shocked, because I could hardly believe I didn't know! Relieved, because I knew God had revealed it to me.

About three years prior to finding out about the prostitutes I had kicked my husband out of our house when I found out he had an affair. When he called me one day, broken and repentant, I slowly let him back into my life – letting him earn back and rebuild my trust in him. After finding out about the affair, my Mom mailed me a book called “An Affair of the Mind,” by Laurie Hall. In it, the author expressed her own struggle with her husband's pornography addiction and acting out with prostitutes. I remember reading about the prostitutes thinking, “At least my husband's not that bad.” Little did I know what was going on in his heart and soul.

In the book three main points have stuck with me over years.

1. I needed to be more concerned about my husband's soul than I was about saving our marriage. - Mark 8:34-38

2. I could not control my husband, but must relinquish any control I thought I had over him to God. - Romans 8:6 NLT

3. I shouldn't drive myself crazy trying to be a detective and figure out what my husband was doing. Instead I needed to trust that God would reveal anything He wanted me to see in His timing. - Job 12:22, Deuteronomy 29:29

I could see my husband's soul withering away right in front of my eyes. I didn't understand about spiritual battles then otherwise I would have put on the full armor of God. Instead I just had these freshly revealed principles to cling to. It was hard to think of our marriage dissolving, but I did recognize the wisdom that my husband's soul was more important than our “happily ever after.”

The issue of control was pretty new to me. For the first time in our marriage I was forced to realize that I had absolutely no control over my husband's actions. I could cry, scream, bargain, manipulate, but in the end my husband's choices were his alone. At one point I did symbolically give my husband to God while praying with his parents and my Mom. I asked God to take hold of his life because I knew I was helpless to change him. - James 5:16

Before I knew about these principles, I had found out about the affair by snooping through my husband's credit card bills. Granted, we didn't have the best arrangement in the first place – we each had separate bank accounts, credit cards, etc; not the greatest way to “become one” in marriage. But in the book I learned that God could be trusted to reveal anything I needed to know about my husband in His way and His timing. That freed me from excessive worry, trying to control the situation, or being accused by my husband of snooping in his stuff. So when God did reveal to me that my husband had been going to prostitutes, it was obvious: an escort service flyer was stuck in the memory of my printer and came out when I tried to print something else.

Ten years after God reconciled our marriage I still remind myself of these very important and Biblical principles. It keeps me from snooping or trying to control or even change my husband, and reminds me to pray for him instead.

Remember: …with God all things are possible! – Matthew 19:26

Father, I pray for the person reading this right now. Help them to stay calm, keep their focus on You, and realize that they are helpless to change their spouse. Only You can do the kind of heart surgery that is needed in this situation. In the meantime, give them the strength to trust You, relinquish control, and believe that You can do anything. We pray that You will bring these precious souls into a living, loving and saving relationship with You, through Your Son, Jesus. We pray for true repentance and that You will reveal what needs to be brought into the light in Your perfect timing. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

"It was hard to think of our marriage dissolving, but I did recognize the wisdom that my husband's soul was more important than our “happily ever after.”"

Thank you for your article. I learned the same things that you did when my I found that my husband was unfaithful in his heart using pornography and in his connections to past girlfriends.

1. Yes, obsessing about what and why he was doing what he was doing distracted me from what I was experiencing and how God wanted me to respond. Some knowledge was helpful, but that was not the correct focus initially.

2. No, I can not control or change my husband, only God can change his heart, and he is responsible first to God, who will hold him accountable for his actions. And I am responsible first to God too, and not first to my husband.

3. Yes, his soul is more important than our marriage, and us staying married.

4. I would like to add that my soul is more important than our marriage too, and allowing my husband to continue to cheat on me was damaging to my soul and my view of God, myself and others. I saw that in my husband's parents marriage, as the mother became a non-person as she covered her husband's pornography addiction and made it her job to make him look good to her son and others. Her relationship to God, and the truth of God was second to pleasing her husband.

Thank you for your ministry!

Here are some resources to share on your site that I have found helpful:

1.Mending the Soul: There is a link between sexual sin and abuse. Neglect and spiritual abuse are forms of abuse. http://www.amazon.com/Mending-Soul-Understanding-Healing-Abuse/dp/0310259711
2.Help and healing for men, women and couples: http://tuffstuffministries.com/
3.Help and healing for men, women and couples: http://www.purelifealliance.org/Women/HiddenHurt/tabid/438/Default.aspx
"The number one factor in determining how well a man recovers from sexual addiction is the level of his wife's involvement in the journey together with him."

- Sandy Wilson (of Tough Stuff Ministries)

Reply

Shannon M.

7/16/2012 07:19:56 am

Thank you so much for posting this. My husband and I had a shaky marriage. About two months ago (Mother's Day to be exact---and my very first one), my husband started an affair with another woman. I found out via his email. He's moving out; we're separating; he's not willing to reconcile; and I have to be okay with this and let him go. I am praying for a changed heart b/c the guy is so distressed with so much in his life. At times I get so angry, but I am praying for God to bless me with GENTLE words like he urges us to have in Proverbs. You are an inspiration. I hope there is light at the end of my tunnel...this all happened when we JUST bought a house, we have an 8-month old daughter, my mom is dying of cancer, and I lost my job! Hopefully, God has a good plan for me!!!

Reply

Kathleen

8/7/2013 01:12:11 am

Thank you. I really needed to read this.

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Dee

8/29/2013 12:35:27 am

Thank you so much for this, it was right on time.

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Leo

9/6/2013 02:42:06 am

Hello,
today I read Amy's article for the first time.
I separated from my wife beginning of March, we're sharing our two children since then, and although I feel (not too often though) that I truly have no control over her and the other person, during the weekends evenings I have the children, I always wonder where she is, and whether she's with the other guy, feeling very jealous indeed still now. And hurting.
Only prayer helps.
Although I don't see the end of this, or even which end (I'm postponing the divorce final hearing as much as I can) it is very hard for me to relinquish control, sometimes I'm not even aware I still want to control the situation, while truly I can't.
Thanks a lot Amy for sharing your experience.
Hope I could share mine too to help other people through these hard times.
Best wishes,
Leo.

Reply

Flora

12/29/2013 09:26:27 am

Can u pls teach me how to pray for my husband's soul as he has repeatedly lied and cheaged on me with several women before and after our marriage for 4yrs now already. I have been a Christian since 15yrs old but I'm a back slider now for more than 20yrs. I'm 41yrs old. And this is my 2nd marriage and last marriage for me if I divorce. I know need to put God 1st before my love for my husband. Pls help me by teaching me how to pray. thank you very much. Amen. God bless you

Reply

Serenity

8/31/2016 05:59:53 pm

Thank you! These are the exact same things the Lord spoke to me as well. This really affirms my decision to stay and to keep the affair just between the two of us.

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About Amy

I was born in 1970 in Omaha, Nebraska. Although I went to church all my life, I didn't make Jesus Lord of my life until I was 29 years old. My real relationship with Him began when my marriage fell apart.