I Matter

Matter

My trip to Bali has been full of unexpected surprises. Mama Bali is known for her ability to hold those going through major shifts and I met an incredibly knowledgable and attentive holistic practitioner with whom I’ve done some deep healing work with on the physical plane and inevitably, on a soul level.

My healing protocol has been intense and required dedicated commitment. Treatment is full on, each day utterly unpredictable and challenging. My 18 day regimen was not an easy process to say the least.

On one particularly hard day, a quality of fear different that anything I had experienced before surfaced.

I came face to face with the reality of my health condition at the time and realised that I was not well. For years, I had either not known about the severity of my symptoms, turned a blind eye, or not prioritised learning more about them. I had with very practiced ways of concealing and overriding some of my symptoms. At my first session, my health practitioner saw how deep some of my conditions were and point blank raised his concerns. I felt whole energy collapse. I was scared. I feared losing my life as I know it. I realised that I could get really sick.I broke down in tears. I shook. I cried. I was terrified. My healer looked into my eyes and said,

“It is the most precious moment when things fall apart and you realize that you matter. Your life matters. You matter.”

My life matters. I matter. That was a game changer. And, I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself. I am not that important. I don’t say this to diminish my value or my intrinsic worth. It’s simply true.

The only person I am responsible to, the only one who can truly take care of Alice, to put her first, to live her life, is me.

2 days before my treatment finished and I was due to leave on a flight home, I had a conversation with a close friend who suggested that I delay coming home so that I can really put Alice first…something that I haven’t done for a long time. My automatic first thought was, “I can’t, I have a retreat to co-lead, trainings to be at, registered classes to teach…” I felt the responsibility weighted on my work and commitments even though the thought of going home at that time felt incredibly overwhelming.

Then, I choose a new path…I saw that I was making assumptions and projections about how other people would feel if I didn’t return on my set date. When I opened the conversation with those closely affected, I was met with utmost support. I felt that the many loved ones in my life wanted me stay in Asia and continue reconnecting my wholeness, joy and freedom. With that encouragement, I asked myself:

“What would serve Alice? What does she need? What does she desire?”

Rest. Integration. Play. Sun. Beach. Sand, Connection. Laughter. Dance. Smoothies. Hammock. Passion. So I decided to stay another two weeks to allow the effects of my healing unfold and integrate like a sweet savasana. I write this to you from a magical beach in Thailand where my yoga teacher journey began 7 years ago. I am choosing joy, salty ocean swims, mid day dance parties, long massages, naps on sandy beaches. I am choosing to listen. I am choosing me.

I will be flying back June 1 to Calgary…looking forward to connecting with those of you there for some classes, heart to hearts, and great events in June.