Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tonight I'm going to be doing a live author chat over on Twilight Moms, a website devoted to moms who enjoy astronomical chitchat.

Or maybe they have something to do with vampires. Hm. Come to think of it, that might explain a few things, actually...

Well, if I've learned anything from being a fangirl myself (though admittedly more of the sci-fi genre) it's that you always look for common ground when dealing with bloodthirsty devotees. That, and no sudden movements. So, Twi-hards, sink your teeth into THIS (while the rest of us casually stroll off in this direction):

As you can see, there are two crucial elements to most Twilight cakes:1) edible photo paper, and2) lots of black icing.

Unfortunately, black icing does tend to show how green the "black" ink in edible photos can be. But what can you do? Draw something?

Say, this is actually pretty good! And way to represent the big girls, baker; I'm tired of the skinny chick always getting the sparkly immortal. Even if she is impaling his arm with her big ol' man-hand.

Well, better get back to the formula, I suppose. Only, what's that you say? You want MORE black icing? Nooo problem:

Well that's gonna leave a mark stain. No, I don't know what the white swirly bits are supposed to be. And yes, it does look like a postage stamp. But let's not give anyone ideas, mmkay?

You know, for vampire-themed cakes these things have been awfully blood-free.

(Yes, I know that Forks is the name of the town in the story. That's hardly an explanation, though.)

As with all cakes, the most important thing to remember when ordering a Twilight design is that nothing beats a little forethought, balance, and beautifully scripted text:

Yep, nothing would have beat any of those right about now.

[Pro tip: if you're going to scratch guide lines into the icing, keep in mind that airbrushed icing is white underneath.]

And lastly, choosing the right text for your tribute cake is also key:

"What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy? What a stupid lamb! What a sick, masochistic lion."

Er.

Yeeeahh...so...

Happy Birthday!

Or would it make more sense as an anniversary cake? [evil grin]

I hate to admit it, Giselle P., Katelynn B., Emily S., Jennifer T., & Itzkeleen, but I think the first Twilight Wreck I posted still takes the cake. (Keeping in mind that only the professional cakes count, of course; there are tons of hilarious amateur jobs out there.)- Related Wreckage: The Twilight of our Discontent

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

And Lauren was inspired by both the famous belly cakes and Suzy's Wreck to create her own CW tribute costume:

And yes, she's pregnant. That's what makes it so horribly good.

And finally, I'm pleased to announce that I've finally solved the mystery of this little guy:

Several of you sent in pictures of the above cake topper spotted at a cake show some weeks back. (It's good to know that the sight of something this disturbing brings me immediately to mind. Heh.)

Here's another angle:

As you can see, this is a figure of a middle-aged guy in boxers and a mohawk riding a carrot. Trouble was, no one could tell me who made it, or even which cake show it appeared at, so I was left to wonder if the baker responsible meant to do a sneaky homage to CW, or was just plain nuts.

Well, not too long ago, I got a delightful e-mail from the cake's creator, Burton(also responsible for the fabulous Frankenstein wedding cake), and I got my answer: he's both.

Here's his explanation:

"I am convinced that it is only a matter of time before Cake Wrecks inspired cakes get their own category at cake shows. Since I am usually very far behind the curve on most things (current affairs, fashion, street slang, which fork to use…) I thought I would try to get ahead of the curve on this one. So I decided to enter a competition cake partially inspired by the Cake Wrecks blog. And why go half way? I entered it in Kerry Vincent’s own Oklahoma State Sugar Arts Show."

Yes, Burton made a middle-aged half-naked mohawk-man carrot jockey for Kerry Vincent. Told you he was nuts.

Wondering how the crowd reacted? [evil snicker] Burton, fill us in on all the gory details.

"Public opinion did not favor this entry. Every time I saw anyone approach my cake they would immediately exclaim, 'Oh, look at the cute pumpkin scarecrow cake!' and then pass my cake by on their way to see the cute pumpkin scarecrow cake that was several entries down the table. My entry did get high marks from Craig Gustafson of American Cake Decorating Magazine, though, and the judges gave it first place in its category —take that, cute pumpkin scarecrow cake!"

And just because I had fun reading it, here's the rest of his e-mail:

"After the judging I spoke with one of the judges who admitted that most of them didn’t know the significance of the carrot until Bronwen Weber set them straight. [Bronwen rocks.] I actually got to meet and make a fool of myself in front of Bronwen as well as Kerry Vincent and several other celebrity decorators. While I may not have made a fool of myself in front of Jennifer Matsubara, I at least left her convinced that I am very creepy, if the look in her eyes and the speed with which she backed away were any indication." [Hah!]

"I just thought I would let you know how something as sweet and innocent as the naked, mohawk-baby carrot jockey can be twisted and perverted in the wrong hands. Mine."

The good thing, Burton, is that most of us are just twisted enough to love you for doing this, so it's all good. Wreck on, my friend. Wreck. On.

(Still trying to figure out what the deal is with the carrot jockeys? Well, I don't have much of an answer for you, but you can start by going here.)

I like to think it's just a wart, but I get the feeling that it'sss...not.

Why is the toilet paper angry?

What do colorful sperm have to do with Halloween?(Granted, "Happy" I could see...)

WHAT in the name of sweet Lassie is that spider doing?!?

I have two questions for Mr. Ghost-with-the-Most here:First, why did the Wreckerator feel it necessary to include two small chocolate bars and a gummi worm? And second, why, oh why, did s/he put them there and in that order?

Now, I don't want to leave you with all questions, my dear Wreckies, so here's a cake that answers the following:

Q) What do you get if you cross Princess Leia, Dracula, and the Bride of Frankenstein?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009

When you see your typical bakery display filling up with disembodied plastic fingers and red corn syrup drenched eyeballs you know Halloween is nearly upon us. Of course, those cakes are trying to be gross, gory, and/or creepy.

[sing-song voice] Bo-ring!

Personally, I prefer the cakes that were going for cutesy, but didn't quite make it. You know, like this:

Bring me the head of Billy the Scarecrow!!

Don't you worry about Billy, though...

...I hear he qualified for the "bale out" program. (Hay!)

I don't think this next one was going for cute, exactly, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't going for this level of creepy, either:

Um. Wow. The monster mash just got a leeetle bit awkward.

So anyway, you can keep your rat-gnawed arms and zombie brain cakes; to me, no baked good will ever be as terrifying as this thing:

Aaaauugh!

Denise, Surlana, Matt L., & Kourtny, I will never look at fried eggs the same way again. Thanks.

I hope you enjoyed today's Sweet Treats! Now brace yourselves, 'cuz this week you're going to see a whole lotta Halloween Wreckage. [rubbing hands together gleefully] Oh yeah, this is going to be good.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Saturday, October 24, 2009

So I'm browsing around the internets the other day looking for bug cakes (don't ask) and I come across the Flickr page of Second City Warehouse. What I saw there made my trackball come to a screeching halt. It seems that Steph's boss, Carl, was leaving for a new and better job and it was Steph's job to pick up the booze and the cake. But I'll let her tell you the rest of the story:

"Of course, I wanted the cake to be very special and couldn't think of anything else to put on it aside from a bat fly." [I feel like we're missing something here.]

"So, I picked out Carl's very favorite microptics print [Who doesn't have a favorite microptics print?] and took it to the bakery to see if they could replicate the image on a cake in frosting."At the bakery, I decided to cut to the chase, so I pulled the picture out first thing in order to make sure they could transfer it. The bakers were stunned into a profound silence as they stared at the photo. I opened my mouth to explain, but a little voice in my head said, 'No no, don't. It's funnier this way.'"When they finally tore their eyes away to look up at me, I smiled and said, 'So. You guys are the experts, let me know what you think. I was thinking of a blue border, but I'm not sure about the decorations. Balloons, do you you think, or flowers?'"The manager of the bakery didn't really answer my question, just silently filled out the order form and wrote 'balloons.'"Y'all ready to see this thing now? Here 'tis:

"When I got the cake, I was tickled to see that they had attached frosting balloon strings to the hind leg, the wing and somewhere near the head. I suppose they weren't sure how a microscopic insect might choose to hold a balloon." [Well, that makes about 75,000 of us.]

Let me just say that this cake has given me a whole new appreciation for grocery store bakers. Thanks for letting me borrow your story, Steph!

Note from john (the hubby of Jen): Several of you have noted that this isn't a "wreck" in the strictest sense of the word, to which I say, true that. It is, however, a fun cake story. And it's Saturday. Go with it. Peace out, yo.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Friday, October 23, 2009

I may be sitting here with the A/C cranked in the southern swamp affectionately known as "Florida", but I have a feeling that Fall will be here soon. And lest we have any doubts, some bakeries have taken to posting helpful weather updates on their cakes:

Next week they're debuting "Bring a jacket; you'll catch your death in this chill."

I can't really tell if that's a threat or a promise, though. Sure, the pumpkins and cherries look happy, but those tree claws seem rather ominous. [shiver]

Fall, of course, is known for its colorful foliage.

We don't have any of that in Florida. (Pine cone pile, anyone?)

That's ok, though; with cakes like these, I don't think I'm missing all that "mulch":

Ah, you don't often see this level of technique used! You see, dragging a knife through icing takes confidence, a steady hand, and the kind of technical know-how that knows exactly which end is the pointy one. [nodding seriously]

Still, no matter how you slice it, those skills pale in comparison to this...

...feather? Spear?Long-necked snail? Worm in a hat? Worm in a skirt? Garden trowel? Underside of a snorkeler's leg?

Hey, I could go on all day. I suspect, however, that Zoey K., Hap C., & Brady want me to make like a tree, and get out of here.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Time to clear your schedule and start planning out those cupcake Wreckplicas, faithful henchpersons; I have tour dates to announce!!

The events will be set up the same as before, meaning there will be free cake provided by local bakeries, a fun slide show hosted by yours truly and John, a Q&A time, and of course the Wreckplica contest, complete with fabulous prizes.

To help us know how much cake and space we'll need, please RSVP if you think you'll be able to attend by clicking on the appropriate city name below.

Most brides think that bringing in a photo of their dream wedding cake will help clarify for their bakers what it is that they want and expect on their big day.

[shaking head] Those sweet, silly girls.

In reality, these photos are more like "guidelines." A springboard, if you will, from which the baker may or may not spring - and then into heretofore unheard-of realms of artistic "expression."

Perhaps some examples will help.

Bride Laurie S. asked for this cake, only in ivory and with blue flowers instead of white:

(Photo & cake by Martha Stewart)

Instead, she got this:

"It's boxy, and it's blue and white. What more do you want?"

Kirstie also wanted a cascading floral design, like this:

Which her baker recreated pretty well, except for one key detail:

S/he used real flowers instead of sugar ones.

Once the petals shriveled, Kirstie's cake design became less "cascading flowers" and more "attacking butterflies." Which isn't horrible, I suppose, but it is kind of hard to resist the urge to flap your arms and shoo them off.

(Note: The silver thing is their topper, which the baker laid flat instead of standing up. Or maybe the butterflies just knocked it over. :D)

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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

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