Address provided by a paedophile to the Sex Offenders' Register, after he was told that his first offer, namely 'a tent', was not acceptable for the records.

'It's just so camp. It's wonderful isn't it. Lady Victoria ... that would be quite amazing.'

Victoria Beckham is rather over-excited by the possibility her husband will be knighted. We're much too nice to point out that she wouldn't actually be Lady Victoria, but Lady Beckham. Though she may well end up as nothing at all if the Queen objects to her honours system being described as camp.

'Shut up! I don't give a fuck!'

Amy Winehouse responds to U2 frontman Bono's Q music awards acceptance speech. If that's not jealousy speaking, it could be the booze. Though she may actually mean it.

'English students don't spend much time on their studies. They're more interested in partying and having fun.'

The Duchess of Cornwall has annoyed the National Union of Students with her comments. Speak volumes about how her notoriously party-minded son and daughter passed their time in academia.

'Pete wouldn't last a minute on X Factor.'

Simon Cowell thinks that Doherty would be nothing without his better half, Kate Moss. A damning condemnation indeed, when one considers all those musical greats schooled at an X Factor boot camp. Chico! Andy the Binman!

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