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Eating for the first time

Dean coming home!

In my last post, I shared the rules my
family put together for our first ever Independence Day – a
day when the girls got to do whatever they wanted, whenever they
wanted, but had to be totally independent. They had to feed
themselves, clean up after themselves, and if they wanted to go
somewhere they had to get there under their own power and spend
their own money.

So this past Monday we had our Independence Day, and let me tell
you, it was a glorious thing.

First off, our top rule: no waking Mommy and Daddy. Unless the
house was on fire.

When we finally stumbled downstairs at 9 a.m. (NINE O’CLOCK
IN THE MORNING!) we found the girls sitting on the couch watching a
movie and eating candy. “Have you had breakfast?” I
asked.

“No,” Maddie replied, “We wanted bagels and we
knew we couldn’t use the sharp knives to cut them so we
waited for you.”

Apparently Maddie woke her sister at 7 a.m. – couldn’t
wait any longer – and they got down to business right away,
snacking and watching Cyberchase for about an hour before picking
out a movie.

But did you catch the part where they didn’t wake us up? It
was beautiful.

Several months ago I read about a family
that periodically does and Independence Day: one day with no
restrictions and no help. Eat what you want when you want, but make
your own meal, get out your own bike, solve your own fight with
your sister. We were intrigued with this idea and discussed it as a
family, and decided to have our own Independence Day. We looked for
a date on the calendar with no commitments and settled on Memorial
Day.

So for the past few months Maddie and Cora have been planning and
plotting their Independence Day with all the care and precision of
a military maneuver. They’ve been saving up money so they
could bike to the store and buy the BIG boxes of candy Mommy never
lets them buy. They’ve negotiated a complex system for
determining who gets to pick each movie during the day, and worked
out who will spread the peanut butter and who’s in charge of
the jelly while making lunches.

They were ready.

As Memorial Day grew near, I realized I may need to spell out a few
ground rules when I overheard Cora enthusing about all the friends
she was going to have over. Ahem.

So Sunday night I printed out our Independence Day rules and posted
them on the wall where we hang all important family communications.
Here they are, in all their glory:

Today is your birthday, sweet girl. Can
you believe it? Seven years old! We spent all weekend celebrating
your birthday in one seemingly endless fantasia: your oldest friend
came in from out of town to surprise you Saturday morning and spend
the whole weekend with you; we had a fun party riding horses on
Saturday afternoon; and celebrated with family Sunday night. Plus
chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, favorite lunches, and more
– it’s been a looong weekend honoring you in our lives.

So in some ways the whole Age Seven thing seems old news; but in
other ways – in Mommy Time – it’s still startling
and a teensy bit unwelcome.

The past few weeks I’ve been
despairing of Maddie’s selfish attitude; she’s
astonishingly mean to her sister, and when she’s given two
pieces of candy, the first words out of her mouth are usually,
“And I am NOT sharing this with Cora, so don’t
ask!”

I pray nightly for her heart to be changed: that she will think
first of others, then herself. I’m not trying to raise a
martyr, just someone who looks to serve others – and finds
that joy in serving. I don’t think Maddie’s
particularly bad or horrible; I think this is a phase, and
I’m trying hard not to correct the actions, but the heart
behind it. Sometimes, though, it’s hard going, and I feel
like I’m speaking to deaf ears.

But then sometimes, something happens to show me that my girl is
listening.

A few days ago we were walking to school, chatting about the
upcoming day, when Maddie brought up the subject of recess.

“I’m not sure what I’m going to play today at
recess; today is a ‘free’ day for me and Elise.”

You, my friend, have such a big heart. And as we’ve talked
about – a LOT – recently, Big Hearts tend to have Big
Feelings. And sometimes those Big Feelings are hard to control.

Which means you’ve spilled more than your fair share of tears
these past few weeks.

Here’s what happens: you get cranked up about something
– Maddie not wearing the correct headphones, or my not
remembering that you’d already cleaned the litter box –
and then have a really hard time getting around it. And you feel
like no one’s listening to you, and you get angrier and
angrier and more and more frustrated, and you lash out. Like,
physically, with your feet, or screaming, with your voice.

And then you burst into tears and collapse on your bed, sobbing.
For a long. Time.