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DC: You walk around the fairgrounds to the various exhibits and you see things that impress you, and you can't help yourself. You open your mouth and you say something ... foolish.

Guy 1: I wish MY zucchini looked like that!

Guy 2: Probably some freakish strain. Treated 'em with radiation.

Guy 1: Loaded 'em down with chemicals, I bet.

Guy 2: Pathetic.

Guy 1: Yeah, I'll take my eensy weensy zucchini over that ANY day!

DC: Other people's blue ribbon vegetables are a mixed blessing, to be sure. Other people feel great about it, but there's a certain inferiority that sets in for the average person. You make mean-spirited remarks. You go home feeling bad.
Don't. All round the fairgrounds this year, you'll have the opportunity to pick up the latest self help tape from Billy Marty Barry ... Accepting Your Vegetables.
(music: new agey stuff)

BMB: Your vegetables ... don't mean to embarrass you. They are just being themselves, getting as big as nature intends for them. Is there anything wrong with that?

DC: In twelve easy steps, the man who is "a bottomless well of wellness," Billy Marty will help you come to terms with the size and condition of your vegetables ... yours ... and others.

BMB: Is there something I could have done? So many people ask themselves this ... and the TV and the radio just reinforce it by telling us if we buy the right product, we can have big, vigorous vegetables.

DC: Billy Marty will take you through the various stages of grieving for what your vegetables might have been, anger, humiliation, and jealousy before bringing you to a state of peace, tranquillity, and even joy. He'll help you overcome your resentment ... and he'll give you the strength to SPEAK OUT to the pushers of championship produce.

BMB: What about that guy in the Miracle-Gro® commercials? He seems so happy about his plants. But you know ... he has some sadness. All those hours he's spending out in the garden ... there are unresolved issues back inside the house.

So next time you see one of his commercials ... try to overcome your jealousy and think of him as a human being. Say this to the screen. "I am happy for you and your WONDERFUL pumpkins, but they do not make you better than me." Go ahead. Say it. (pause)

I think you were holding back. Try it again, okay? "I am happy for you and your WONDERFUL pumpkins, but they do not make you better than me." (pause)

I think you need more work. Rewind the tape and start over, from side one, okay?

And next time you go to the store, pick up my other tape .. "Cultivating a Generous Spirit." I think you need to listen to that one ALOT.

DC: Do what Billy Marty says, and you won't have TIME to be obsessed with the performance of your squash. You'll be too busy working on YOU. "Accepting Your Vegetables" and "Cultivating a Generous Spirit," two new self-help tapes from Billy Marty Barry.

BMB: Although I've never met you, I care about you very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very much!