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Just joined, glad to be here

I just joined. I wrote this recently, but cant share it on my blog for fear that I will be cut out again so I thought I would share it here. I met my son for the first time a couple weeks ago. I lost him to adoption (almost) 12 years ago.

I exit the elevator and I burst into tears. I can't get my feet to
move. The moment that I have waited for, for so long is here and I
can't get my feet to move. What is wrong with me? Walk, just walk. 1
foot in front of the other. I make it half way down the hall and halt
in my tracks and burst into tears again. Cant move, cant move. Walk
feet walk. I make it to the door. I lean against the wall and sob.
Just knock on the door...I cant. I cant. What if he hates me. Suck it
up lady, wipe those tears away. Be strong. This is what you want. I
knock on the door and it opens. It's here. Breathe.

As I enter
the hotel room his father tells me they went to the vending machine. We
talk, I try to hold back tears, I learn he's completely sheltered, here
it goes I cant pretend they parent like I do any longer. I hear the
door open. He's here....he's here. I look into eyes just like mine, a
face identical to my brothers. My heart swells, tears threaten to fall.
Don't cry, don't cry. You don't want to scare him. Hold it
together....don't cry don't cry. Breathe...just breathe.

I sit
next to him. My son...my oldest. The decision that gives me the most
pain. All he talks about is money....he's entitled, he's spoiled. He
asks no questions except things having to do with money. What are they
doing to my child? They are ruining him. He doesn't know what sex
is...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, he's almost a teenager? They tell me
he doesn't know he has a birthfather because they don't want to explain
sex to him. Bite your tongue, bite your tongue. You don't want them to
close you off again. You watch in shocked silence as you witness one
of your greatest fears. That your decision that has screwed you up FOR
LIFE was completely in vain. That he is NOT better off....but worse off
then you can possibly imagine.

Shut your mouth....6 more years
and you can sing like a canary. When he's 18 they can no longer keep him
from you and you can tell the truth. Put on a smile, act like this was
great. Be thankful, be appreciative...even if it's an act.
Pretend...pretend. My life is about pretending. Pretending I'm fine
when I'm actually dying inside. Smiling when I want to scream that I
fucking hate adoption. Nature vs Nurture? We'll see.

My bdaughter is 41, she was molested as a kid, her adoptive father died when she was 5, she feels she was just abandoned, has little self asteem, wasn't even adopted until she was 6 weeks because there was something wrong with her legs (we had no idea).So, did she get that better life, probably not, is it my fault, maybe.

I didn't reunite with her until she was 29 1/2. I still had to answer the hard questions. We are both still dealing with reunion. We do not have a mother daughter relationship, but we are friends. She loves her Mom.

If you haven't had counseling I recommend it, it's pretty helpful to be able to bare your soul to someone who can't judge you. I cried my eyes out with every visit. When It came time to stop going, I was like no, don't make me go and he said you are ready. That was about 10 years ago. Am I cured, nope, can I cope better, yep.

The last visit I had with my 38 year old son I found out he wasn't hugged. It broke my heart. I couldn't help touching my son as we walked together. His back or arm. I explained I hoped he didn't mind. He stated" It's good." " I just haven't had that ". He reached out to me on his own during that visit. It was a wonderful thing!

When your son is 18 he'll get to know you, and I hope he can absorb some of the good from you, and learn by example that life isn't about money. He may start to discover that on his own when he starts his teen years and naturally pulling away from his aparents too. 12 is very young.

My open adoption consisted of pictures and letters. I noticed that at about 12 years old my son stopped smiling. I couldn't understand it because his birth father had the most amazing smile and was one of the things that most attracted me to him. Anyway, once we reunited his afather told me that Danny was self conscious of his fake looking smile.

How aweful is that? Due to lack of genetic mirroring, or at the very least someone to tell him to wear his fathers smile proudly, someone told him his smile looked fake and he stopped smiling.

I know how you are feeling. My daughter is only 3 1/2 and a complete brat. I love her but OMG they are creating a monster. She would have been better behaved with me and poor then she is now in middle class suburbia. I can't even imagine what her teenage years will bring because she is soooo much like me its scary.

I only raised boys and they NEVER behaved the way she does. Tantrums screaming and all. We were in Hershey Park visiting her and I was actually embarassed (felt bad later for feeling that way) by her behavior. The AMom gets frustrated quickly so my daughter carried on.

I hope she gets better as she grows up but if she doesnt I can tell you this...the Amom isnt going to be able to handle her she is too new at being a mom to handle a child like her. Only good thing is that she will push my daughter right to me :-)

Quoting LivelyBlu:

Caileigh- I've been around kids my whole life and I will tell you that every 3 year old girl is a brat ;).

I'm so sorry you are going through this tough time. Just know you have support here :).

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