Ask The Readers: Wedding Gifts – How Do You Decide How Much To Give?

It’s wedding season again, and we have a variety of weddings coming up from a mix of close friends, not-so-close friends, relatives, and co-workers. This is probably not polite conversation, but hey, I’m all about discussing otherwise taboo financial topics. So, when deciding on how much to spend on a wedding gift, what factors do you consider?

How Close Are You?
This is simple – do you give more to your closer friends or family? Or are all weddings equally beautiful?

How Fancy Is The Wedding?
This the “at least cover your meal” philosophy. With all this talk about frugal weddings vs. monster weddings, it is clear (after paying for our own wedding) that some weddings have cost about $50 per person, while others will have cost $200 per person. As a guest, do you feel obligated to give a bigger gift when you know the food and setting are more extravagant?

I’m kind of mixed about this philosophy. So if you have two equally close friends, and one decides to throw a mega-bash destination wedding with filet mignon while the other friend has a small gathering in their backyard, you are supposed to give more to the former couple? This also would suggest that if you are not able to attend, then you can give a smaller gift. Hmm.

Your Financial Situation?
Now that we are labeled as a “successful professional couple”, is there more pressure to give a bigger gift? If a person is currently going back to school, are unemployed, or have chosen a career path with a lower assumed salary, do you feel that they should be able to give less?

Comments

I got marreid 3 days ago – and this may soundy corny – but we just wanted people to give what that they could afford. If they couldn’t afford to give anything, then their presence was more than enough! And actually there were several people that we knew couldn’t afford gifts, but they came and that’s all we wanted!

You get married for a lot of reasons… but wedding gifts should definately not be one of them. There should be no pressure on any guests to give a gift.

I still have wedding gifts in the closets from 28 years ago, so it really is not the wedding gift that matters. One of the best gifts every given was a friend (extra photographer) shot all kinds of photos of everyone that day, and gave us the pictures and slides for keepsafe. Many of those people are gone, and our pictures are wonderful. Today with digital, that would be so easy to do and the cost is zero, but the thought is great. Maybe you could do that. Then burn them a DVD of all the pictures you took and give em that.

Interesting topic. I feel people should give what they can and whatever they feel is appropriate. The fact that for many weddings have become an extravaganza and money grab is sad. I wish people would focus more on making their marriage work than how great their wedding will be.

NY weddings are usually large, so my philosophy was to give a gift of cash that would cover the cost and some. I’m not rich so I can’t so all out on closeness of friends, neither do they expect me to. Therefore my logic is simple for every wedding I go to.

usually $200 cash gift….I’ve heard stories of people getting to weddings and finding out it’s a ‘cash bar’ so they open the card and take out half their gift.

I’m heading to a wedding next weekend and I’m trying to decide what to do for a gift. He was my roommate in college and we’re pretty close, but he lives in Florida, and I live in Boston. So it’s pricey for me just to get down there. I’m thinking I may get them something small, but echoing JB, I don’t think it matters; they just want me to be there.

My factors would be a combination of closeness and my ability to give. My best friend would get more than a random coworker and if I’m able to spend more money to get a good gift I will. If not, I’ll still get something even if all I can do is a card and a washcloth from the registry. Thir expense for the wedding isn’t really a factor for me. Gifts are unrelated. One person giving you something doesn’t mean that you have to “repay” it. They’ll give what they’d like and can afford to give for the reception and I’ll give what I’d like and can afford to give for their gift. I hope they’re not looking for a ROI.

I am also recently married. We wished we could tell people NOT to give us gifts!—but that would have offended people. We weren’t getting married for their gifts, but for each other!

If you really want to do something nice—do something for the couple. If you are just worried about social rules then you will only be remembered as someone who follows the social rules.

If you are not close, you can get away with anything, because, frankly, a recently married couple will see your gift as more of a social obligation than really a heartfelt gesture.

If you are a close friend, then a gift is more important in that you contribute something of value to their relationship, not because you spent money on it.

I don’t think money matters so much as whether you consider what will make it feel like you thought the event was important. To come up with the best gift think through something that really reflects their relationship. It might sound sappy, but you will be much more remembered for something personal rather than just throwing money at them.

Of course, if the couple is struggling financially the best gift might be a little starter money.

(Warning: this post will not be well thought out or manicured, but I need to rant for the next five minutes before heading into a meeting.)

I’ve had a lot of trouble with this one.

1) Industry. I fear we are merely supporting the wedding industrial complex (WIC) – an industry on the scale of billions(sss?) of dollars annually. And to me, that is obscene. Weddings are out of control, irresponsible, and alltogether a complete waste of energy and resources. If it weren’t for the love people were celebrating, weddings would be a complete waste of time. Granted, it’s nice to spend time with family and friends, but what in the heck do people need monogramed napkins for? Limos? Brides maid’s dresses those forced to wear will only wear once? Gifts fuel the fire!

2) Transferrence of wealth. If we use the ‘pay your way’ formula for gift giving, the more expensive the wedding, presuming the parents pay for it (which is overwhelmingly the case in my limited experience), the more money the new couple gets to start off their life together. So are we rewarding the children for their parents’ success?

3) Irresponsibility. What if you know the couple are gamblers? What if you know they go partying every weekend and spend $200 at the bar? Do I want to subsidize that activity? Maybe. I would, however, want to help out with a small portion of a down payment on a house, or help make rent. Is it just to throw my values, what I choose to spend my money on, on the new couple? Further, are we giving more money toward an already priveleged couple than we would for a more modest wedding.

4) This for that. I have on more than several occasions, been called by my mother and told what I should give as a gift for a family member. People keep tabs on who gives what??? Since my cousin gave my sister $250, then I had to give $250. No questions. i had to do it for fear the very extended family fabric would unravel if I were to give less. Would it? Possibly I guess.

5) Travel + gift? What if the wedding is across the country and my plane ticket costs $350? Do I give a gift on top of that? On top of the hotel and rental car? And if I don’t? Or should I send the couple the bill for the difference between what I want to give and what I actually laid out.

6) Expectation of return. I’ve heard some rationalize obscene gift giving by the fact they’ll get married in the future and it will all come back to them eventually. But what if you don’t get married? What if you’re single or remain in a committed relationship for life but just don’t go through the whole wedding thing?

This may have sounded cynical. It was. I am – especially when it coumes to WIC.

I typically just go off how well I know the person. For normal friends, my wife and I usually do about $100 each or $200 total. If it’s someone that’s really close it’ll bump up to a few hundred. For acquaintances that I don’t keep in touch with much, $50 a person. I don’t really consider the cost of the wedding when deciding on the gift – it doesn’t seem like that should be a factor since you’re not paying an “admission fee”, you’re giving a gift.

I abhor the “spend as much as they’re spending to feed you” guideline, for the exact reason you mentioned, plus that’s an awful way to think about gift-giving. It should come from the heart, not a set of rules.

My pocketbook dictates the size of the gift more than the closeness, because two of my closest friends got married while I was still a broke college student and I got them inexpensive things from their registry. Now that I’m out in the world making a living, I usually just give cash, and maybe a little something extra.

I also feel like if they are going to judge me for the size of my gift based on the assumptions they make about my financial situation, then they are being rude and have the problem, not me.

Most couples have a registry, buy something off the registry you can afford. If you can’t afford anything off the registry, give cash in a card. If you can’t afford anything don’t give anything. No big deal here.

here in the sticks, $250 is a lot. noone gave us a gift worth that much. i think $100 from a close uncle was the most we received. and honestly, i remember who gave the gifts with thought in them more than the gifts that were large.

I think “covering the costs of the wedding” is the absolute worst reason to give a large gift, although a surprising number of people seem to take it as gospel (especially here in NY). My feeling is that the couple should have whatever kind of party they want and can afford and then the presents will be just that…presents, not reimbursement. I have some beloved friends who wanted a big fancy party; I have other friends I love just as much who chose to go a smaller and more frugal route. How can I justify giving more to one than the other? I choose to give what I can afford and what I want to give from my heart. (Although I’ll admit what “what I can afford” and “what I want to give” usually seems to add up to a standard amount for friends’ weddings).

I’m in the cover the meal (plus location, plus flowers, plus everything else per person) crowd. This is usually around $100 per person, but depends on the wedding.

Also, now that I make more money, I also feel obliged to give bigger gifts. After my own wedding, I remember being surprised at how little some people spent relative to their “wealth level”, and I don’t want people to feel that way about me.

And as far as closeness goes… I would definately spend more for imediate famiy and “best friends”, but after that it kind of hits a cliff where it’s $100 per person (that your bringing).

Wow – I was shocked that someone gives $200 (even in NYC), I usually consider $50 for a friend’s wedding to be standard. Maybe I am out of it! When I got married I expected to get very small gifts from my friends who were still in graduate school. I would feel like I was swindling them if I expected anything more! These grad school friends did get me gifts that were about $20 each but they were meaningful gifts (a headlamp was one that I remember because I like backpacking).

So I am definitely in the “pay what you can afford” camp. Other than my mom, who paid for some of the wedding, my brother gave us our biggest monetary gift. He was also doing quite well financially. His gift was to pay for one night at a really super nice hotel for our wedding night. I thought that was a sweet gesture.

I also think there are some sibling relationship issues at play in wedding gift giving. It seems that the older siblings feel like it is okay to bestow lavish gifts on the younger sibs but sometimes older siblings are not okay with younger siblings giving them a lot. That’s just what I found out when I tried to give my big brother a big gift that was in keeping with the amount he spent on mine. Ah – family!

Schlotz makes a lot of interesting point, but in terms of deciding on gift costs, travel definitely has to be included.

My wife and I have spent several thousand dollars (and vacation days) in the last few years just on attending weddings. That’s before we even factor in the gift. Travel costs have definitely been a factor.

$100 per person that we bring to the wedding. So if it’s my wife and I, that’s a minimum of $200. Anything less, in my view, is extremely rude. The wedding costs about $100 per plate, so at the very least the couple should recoup the costs for throwing what amounts to a silly party.

If we don’t go, we opt for $50-100 for so-so friends/family and usually $200-300 for good friends. It’s actually cheaper and easier to just fire off a check for a far away couple. We have about two friends left that we will travel to their weddings. Any other weddings, get a card and dough. I’m not gonna blow $1000+ to go to a wedding. Hell, give them $500 and the couple’s super happy and we get to keep our time.

In my experience, couples want either registry gifts or cash. This crap of finding a gift for the couple, that just gives them some worthless trinket they must find a way to incorporate into their home. What will help them more – $200 cash or a stupid crystal bowl you bought at Bloomingdales?

It depends on how close we are and how much we earn. We can’t really afford big gifts, so we try to get something nice from the registry unless we’re so close that we can think of something else the couple would really want too. We see the registry as a way we can help build the couple’s new home without being rich…if several people give a few place settings, voila there’s a whole set of silverware.

I don’t like the “cover the cost” idea because I have no part in determining that cost. People shouldn’t be able to force you to spend your money on them…you should do it because you want to. So by not thinking about it this way, I can think of it as a gift instead of a ticket price. 😉

I don’t see how the cost of the wedding should have any bearing whatsoever on the gift given. The couple throws whatever type of wedding they want for themselves and they alone determine what they want to spend on each guest.

The guests on the other hand determine how much to give based on their ability to afford it and how well they know the couple.

Personally, I can’t imagine giving more than $100 as, for me, that is a significant amount of money. If you are wealthier, then your $100 might be more like $250 or more.

If it is a sibling we will give at least $500. Anyone else, we give $200. That’s REGARDLESS of travel time, travel expense, where the wedding is, how much the couple makes, etc., etc.

If the couple wants to throw a cheap wedding or an expensive wedding it is up to them just as it is up to me to attend. My gift to them is a gift – it’s not payment for the meal or the band or the rental of the hall.

If I was poorer I would give less and if I was richer I would give more, but probably not a lot in either direction.

We had someone come to our wedding and gave us a check that bounced. After bank fees on our account, we wished they would have just skipped the check.

This was a question that I’ve been pondering lately. My boss’s son (and a co-worker of mine) is getting married. We got nothing directly from them (but there was an office group-gift) when we got married. We’re not close, but I’m invited to his wedding next month. My wife and I did not invite any co-workers who were not close friends to our wedding. My way of thinking is that I wouldn’t have been invited if he wasn’t heir apparent and had access to my HR records (for my address). I don’t “owe” him anything beyond the office-wide group gift. (He also has a caustic personality). Am I right? (I don’t plan on being at this job much longer either)

Agree with bgdc. Give enough to cover your cost and then some. If you think the couple is spending too much on the wedding, don’t attend. That’s 1 or 2 fewer people the couple will need to pay for. Easy enough to estimate the cost of the wedding based on where the reception is to be held.

I think my gift depends hugely on closeness to the friend/couple, then somewhat on need and my financial situation. I like to give gifts that are more thoughtful (usually for closer friends as I know what kind of stuff to get) because I think that is the most important thing when giving a gift.

If it’s a Chinese wedding, I give cash. It’s tradition to give cash in red envelopes. Otherwise it’s a gift from the registry. If you really want cash instead of gift, don’t have a gift registry, people don’t know if you want cash unless it’s a Chinese wedding. I’m getting marry later this year, we don’t have a gift registry, instead, people can buy gift certificate for our honeymoon, thats what we really want.

I will give whatever I can afford. It’s called a gift afterall, not an obligation. Having said that, I try to give gifts that are meaningful and useful so that they’ll remember it long after the wedding.

Definitely depends on how close I am to them. If its someone I am really close with, I try to to get something thoughtful above all, and try think of what they really need. If its someone Im not as close with, generally just grab something off the registry…

Someone mentioned they got a gift of a ‘bounced check’. Sorry but that is hilarious. I hope it was a huge mistake and not just one of your schrubby friends which you shouldve known better to cash a check from.

Who cares what the wedding costs? Why would that make a difference in what I buy for a gift? It’s the couples’ choice (or their families’) to spend a little or a lot on their party. What they spend has zero to do with how much I’ll spend on a gift. What does matter? My disposable income (i.e. my budget) and the relationship. Even then, I might find the perfect gift for a close friend for $20. Will I struggle to find something that costs more because I *should*? Nope.

Here’s one I haven’t experienced before. Not kidding, I got an email from a cousin within the last month. I am not close to this cousin, and I was one of several cousins on the email distribution list. This cousin lives in Seattle, I live in Socal. Email essentially says, “Sorry I couldn’t invite you all. We’re getting married in a really small place so had to limit the invite list. Here is where we’re registered….”

I was a little peeved. I would be interested to hear thoughts of others

Auntie Green- No way! I Let me get this straight- You’re not invited to the wedding but you’re expected to send a gift AND you were notified of this by e-mail. I would be peeved too. You don’t need to get a gift and don’t feel guilty about it.

In general, I always try to estimate the cost of my plate of food at dinner, and try my best to cover my costs. Of course, if the wedding is over the top expensive, I generally cap my gifts to $100. I give cash (if I’m not that close to the couple), or, if they are good friends, find something meaningful off the registry. I don’t stray too far from the registry because as a former bride, I know how it feels to have too many ugly crystal vases and picture frames. I wonder how many times our gaudy crystal pieces have been re-gifted?

That being said, some of the best gifts I got were from friends who made something for us. A struggling artist friend sculpted something for us and I love it; it has a place of honor on our mantel.

My nephew is having an expensive wedding (that I have been told repeatedly by my sibbling costs $250 a head). Besides the usual expense of a dress, etc., I am also renting a car and staying at a hotel. $250 is a bit more than I had planned on–AND I wouldn’t be surprised if my nephew never told my sibbling how much I gave and I probably won’t see much of him in the future. In the long term of things, I will probably up my gift because it is family (but I have ten neices and nephews so this can be a bit much). In general, I don’t feel it is the responsibility of the guest to cover the cost of the wedding. If someone wants to be extravagant, I assume they can afford it.

I definitely agree that having the guests attend our wedding was the most important part. People who made excuses, whether they were valid or not, made me feel bad. Of course, I never would expect people to travel further than like 30 miles, so anyone who couldn’t make a long trip wouldn’t have hurt my feelings. All in all, we had lots of people and it was a wonderful wedding. To be perfectly honest, I really wasn’t in to it either, until the day — big public displays/parties are not my cup of tea and make you feel so vulnerable to the good will of the people around you. The gifts were just one more thing that to me, is totally embarrassing. I didn’t want anything from anyone, but at the same time, you can’t help but compare what you give to what you get. My family was totally generous and I felt bad about taking money from them. One friend in particular, a close one, I thought was kind of cheap considering I’d always been really generous to her, and then friends who couldn’t afford anything gave me like a weeks’ salary, which made me want to give it back. I wish I could have afforded to say “No Gifts”, but in truth the presents did help defray the cost of the wedding.

I really don’t dig the wedding thing. Unless it’s someone elses’. Besides family, I’ll spend $200-$250, for a couple, wherever it is. And if I’m not able to attend, then $100.

I was invited to a wedding of a couple through professional associations. I didn’t know them that well but knew they were both struggling journalists working in newspapers so I gave them $50. It was twice as much as my original estimate of $25 but they definitely appreciated the gesture. The $50 allowed them to enjoy a good meal on their honeymoon so I was happy to make their experience a bit more enjoyable.

But I’ve found the closer I am to the couple, the more generous I am. It would seem rude if we were best friends and I gave them $20.

I know I’m late but can someone explain what the purpose of wedding gifts are now? I mean I know it’s to help a newly wed couple out now that they’re together in a supposed new home together, but what about people who already have stuff? I mean, I can’t imagine registering for sets of dishes, silverware, crystal vases whatever, etc when I already have those things and they’re working perfectly fine… what’s the deal with all this excess crap?

I totally agree with you. Thats why we are not having a gift registery. Main purpose like you said, to help a newly wed. If you base gift on how much the wedding cost, what do you give a couple when you know the parents are paying for everything? Nothing?

Having just gotten married last month, I have to echo all the people who said having the people we loved there meant more to us than anything- especially those who had traveled long distances. We didn’t really need any actual gifts, but were “forced” to register by his folks, so we registered at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (easiest store to register at), and returned most of the registry for cash, which when combined with the $ from our Asian guests, will definitely jump-start our savings/retirement, which is much more important to us right now than any china pattern (which his mom threw multiple tantrums over, insisting that it HAD to be on the registry but which we ended up returning for cash anyway). The other thing that I was very surprised about was how generous some of my friends were with their cash gifts, and I actually felt really guilty taking the $ from them as they had not only traveled long distances but also are grad students with lots of loans still to cover; this is in direct contrast to many of his parents’ friends who are local and are off the charts in their wealth levels who brought yet another pitcher/mixer not on the registry (we have ended up with 8 crystal vases- all non-returnable and 5 of the same mixer).

My husband and I have never given actual gifts at any weddings; cash is always much more practical for newlyweds, as all the weddings we have attended the bride and groom have just started out. We usually give $100/per, $75 if we’re traveling, $150/per if we are particularly close, and plus, as we love having our own choices on how to spend our money, we love doing leaving options for others.

Weddings are tricky that way, as you end up making value judgments in gift-giving.

I have to say unless you are absolutely broke, pay check to paycheck living, I think anything less then 100 per person (maybe 75 is ok) is tacky. I just gave a friend 300, almost more, we aren’t best friends but I do see her time to time and we are friends. I think 200-250 would have been more appropriate and looking back I would have been more comfortable with 200-250. My boyfriend wanted us to give 300 and quite frankly, I thought it was common for 100 per person.

People who are not students and give less then 50 each are just lame. It’s the thought that counts , of course, but a cheap 25 gift like a can opener or 50 cash has no thought or sentiment AT ALL.

Am I wrong?

I was shocked to see how many posts on the internet had people commenting an average of 50 bucks. Man, maybe I am too generous. Also, I freelance and am not the richest person.

I think the gift does count. I paid for my own rehearsal dinner and reception; and frankly that shouldn’t matter. If you are a cheapskate who has the first dollar you ever made just don’t attend. I have never given less than $100 per person, and often give more. Its awful to see how people guzzle alcohol and wrap up pastries and take them out in their purses when they gave a gift that wouldn’t cover them for a meal at Subway. I dislike the fact that guests expect a big meal and free drinks, but defend their right not to give a gift. So, I should get $20 after it cost me $500 for the pleasure of your company? Oh come on. I got married in May. One of my new in-laws and his wife brought all 3 of his young adult children plus a girldriend; this totals 6 people. All 6 also came to the rehearsal dinner. I was horrified because it was expensive, and everyone kept ordering drinks which were added to my credit card. It didn’t seem to bother them when the tab for $1300 was placed in front of me. It made me angry and sick. Tacky. Our family of 6 gave us a card with $50 in it. Oh by the way, they aren’t poor quite the opposite. Frankly, I hope they invite us to a gift giving ocassion soon. My new hubby will be leaving the checkbook home cause my gift will be more spiritual in nature….a kiind word or thought. I had other guests like my two neices who gave us a card ,,,, and that was it. I love them both and they are not successful and have lots of bills and little money. I’m glad they came and it is the thought the counts in their situaton. How about an older professional couple (lawyers) (60ish) who call ahead to let us know since its a two hour drive they aren’t bringing a gift or card and expect us to have a hotel room paid for? Why? Oldest and dearest friend of the grooms father. The gentleman was kidding,,,,not so much as a card. His room cost us $200 and the rest another $300 or more. I paid this man $500 for his two hour drive. I tried to laugh; it didn’t work. It isn’t nice to take advantage and make excuses for being cheap.

$100 a person is a necessity if the couple is having a normal reception. Our wedding reception cost around $250 per head, and it was NOT as extravagant as many of the weddings that we had been to, so I can’t even imagine what those weddings cost per head.

You will seem cheap, especially if the couple was budget-conscious and paid for the wedding themselves, if you give less than $100 per head. If you can’t afford the gift, generally speaking, etiquette says that you should NOT attend the event.

I just completed a wedding in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada (650k people) over the Labour Day long weekend. We had a wedding inside the city, in an old fort with a great dining hall and hardwood floors. We had a buffet dinner from a top caterer, open bar, two bottles of wine on every table, DJ, rental screen (for “slideshows”) and the whole thing cost us much less than $100 / person.

If we were in California, this same wedding would likely have cost twice as much. Your mileage will vary. The answer (as with all gift giving) is to be thoughtful and provide a meaningful or useful gift.

If you can’t afford the gift, generally speaking, etiquette says that you should NOT attend the event.

Whatever you do, please don’t listen to this piece of advice. I valued the presence of my guests far more than their presents. Don’t be chump and bail just because you don’t have a gift handy.

If you feel any guilt about not being able to provide a gift, instead be a real human and contact the couple directly. Tell them you’d like to attend the wedding, but that you’re not in a position to give them a proper gift. If you can, offer to help them out in some other way.

A typical American wedding isn’t some form of cash-grab. It’s a party for friends and family to celebrate one of life’s big events. The appropriate gift for each couple will vary so dramatically that any hard rule will be easily broken by a weight of exceptions.

bea You did not say how much you gave to your siblings weddings or how close you are to this person? If you are a close friend and don’t go I would send 25 dollars and let them know you are not showing. My sister told me my niece is looking at like 45 dollars a head to eat. I did not like that I felt like she was telling me so I can figure out how much to give. On the other hand she might have just put it out there telling me as sisters do. My niece is my Godchild as well. I am not sure how much to give going solo. Plus I have to buy something to wear and shoes to go. I was thinking around 200-250 what do you think anyone? I am not rich but I could afford to give her the 250 and my sister dos help me out picking small things up from the store and won’t take money. She is not cheap and is always there if I need anything. I was think like giving 3 or 400 hundred. I can afford it just seems like a lot for one person to go. Again I am not rich but I do manage well the little I have. I am confortable with the 250 but my sister is always there for me and doesn’t take a dime for her gas and time and the 5 dollar food items she picks up for things I like. Any feedback.

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