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Monthly Archives: August 2009

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Despite that I would more or less admit to being a switch, and am obedient in matters with the lover that makes it past my microscope, in some ways I feel as if I am constantly being tested with submissions.

Two things are at the top of my mind:

My submission to a 9-5 steady gig, and.. ____.

Patience.

I’m folding 1000 paper cranes right now for my documentary project. This should be helping, but the road is not always easy getting there.

I want a pair of ruby slippers.

I want to close my eyes and fast forward to the happy ending.

I have found that my expectations in other people, my wants…

there are very few people in this world that are ever going to meet them and it’s a bit…

What happened to chivalry? What happened to manners? What happened to dazzling a woman and paying attention to detail?

I was taken back by my own failure to do the latter recently. Had I done that, perhaps things would have been different. Lessons learned and steps back taken. I don’t think the world is a lost cause. I just wish…

I haven’t talked to her in a few months. We’d said that we were going to talk more. We used to be best friends. You know, back before he happened.

I introduced her to her boyfriend- a guy I knew from a website around the same I started to date Big. While we all know what happened with him, her relationship, though cross country not only lasted but she arrived in New York this week to take up residence to be near him.

Her sheer amount of patience through the struggle of being away from the person she loved for so long is admirable. I envy her in a way. It is not something that I think I could have done.

Her cross country love story- from Alaska all the way out East, gives me a bit of hope.

Everything is possible if you add heart and push yourself.

So while I push harder than ever to get through some of the things going on here, my bag is a carry on tote. These cranes will continue to be folded. And perhaps wishes and dreams really can come true… but only if you give yourself entirely to the goal.

Here’s to fighting to making that move… everyday closer to that one bit of manifest destiny that resides within each and every one of us.

And with that, I have to go back to work.

Gold stars to you my former best friend. I miss you. Congrats on making it home.

There were two meetings for coffee yesterday. One was with a friend/business associate, the other was with a friend/former business associate.

Quite frankly both of those meetings were exceedingly important to me.

With things making a turn for the worst with Mr, and well… the quest for a 9-5 still ongoing, the interludes were… pretty helpful for me.

That is, until I blinked for a moment.

Yesterday, after coming home from coffee and folding cranes, we turned the corner to see the lot where my truck had been parked previously, was now empty.

A new business had opened on the corner… a medical marijuana dispensary. The lot had transients outside and was newly painted. I should have moved it sooner. I didn’t and it was my own damn fault.

We’d known that it was going to happen, but could do nothing about it.

I don’t feel unsafe here, but in a way… I am really not happy that it went up.

Why?

Because my truck is gone.

I wish it were not true. But unfortunately, it is.

I called about it. It’s been gone longer than I thought. I was told that by my roommate it had been gone over a week. I was so busy that I hadn’t noticed.

I got a call from a friend in [redacted] last week- “Come visit me. I’m in town.”

I went down there for a day and a half. I went to close that door and take a big look into my past/present.

An hour into the visit with the best friend I had there, he says

“When are you getting your passport?”

He took me to all the things that we used to do back then. A movie, dim sum, jamba juice, tacos. He offered to take me out for drinks and I declined.

It was another life… an easy button that I just didn’t want to press.

Dad always said I did things the hard way.

He reminded me of what little it took to…

I wasn’t really happy back then.
I wasn’t happy in my marriage.

And as good as he had been to me… there was something missing with everything else about that relationship that it just never could go past that “friend zone.”

There wasn’t passion.

There wasn’t a deep intellectual connection and a firey desire for…
I realized that I may have only experienced that a couple of times in my lifetime, and one was not my marriage. It was not with the grip.

I knew the difference and I could feel it. What’s worse is that I worry I may have squandered the chance at that something amazing with…

The night there was even harder on me. I told him when I went down there that I wanted (despite his efforts) nothing “of that nature” with anyone and… well if I did have that, I wanted to explore that with Mr… whenever the time may be that..

The next day I drove to the ocean. I said my goodbyes. He says he wants to visit me here in LA. He may be serious. He may not be. It’s not something that I’m really thinking about as much as I thank him for being my friend… and miss that part of him. I know it will never be though. I know that what I want is something… far greater and “unattainable.”

I was cleaning my room last night trying to get my mind off of things. It’s just a truck and in the end, it really shouldn’t matter… but that piece of shit meant something to me.

In cleaning the slate, I thought about things him. The way I’d acted before… the time that’s passed.
I know what I did wrong. In the rush of things… first his interest and my want to take things slow to get to know him better… to my rushing…

I got silly and stupid and carried away.

I know that I have done wrong and hope that that chance isn’t completely gone. I think it moved way too fast, and am hoping that Mr and I can get back to that point before all of the shit really started coming about.

It never fully felt like it was just a friendship to me, even when it was. I think that deep down, we both knew something was there… and frankly it scared the crap out of me too.

It has resorted to petty silly arguing and what not.. it’s just is not what either of us wanted when we first entered into it. All I wanted was a sidekick to share in my adventures. We didn’t want any problems… and really there should never have been.

I’ve thus, elected myself to be free of relationships and romantic interludes until further notice. With one exception: I don’t want to give up on him just yet. I’m not expecting it to happen anytime soon or even at all. But, who knows what’s in the cards?

I am reminded why I was hesitant to really getting into anything after all of the stuff that’s happened in my past. Call me sour grapes or call me cautious.

I am also reminded that my collection of friends is diverse and, well apparently I like to do quite a bit that it seems many aren’t up for. Maybe I’ll meet some new people along the way. Maybe I won’t.

And while I’m happy that I met him… even if it doesn’t work out to…

It’s going to be ok.

I know that I am fully whole. I don’t need someone to complete me. I may be alone on many of my adventures, but at the same time, I don’t think its a complete bad thing.

So if you see me at roller derby Saturday, come say hello. But otherwise, I’ll be off on my own exploring this city though no longer occasionally in a vintage truck.

One day at a time.

I’ve found that it’s really the only way to fly.

And maybe someday I will meet a bird that will perch with me… if even for a short moment.

Right now it seems more than ever I am being tested. My demons of my past are surfacing. My demons from the present are merging. I am slaying dragons and am… still in the tower. I am not the damsel in distress. I’m fighting my way out.

On the horizon stands the most worthwhile prince this princess has ever encountered. She fights not for the prince, but for herself. She is the only one who can conquer them. Weather the light at the end of the tunnel is joined by him, no one can be sure. This is the real world and not a fairytale. But wouldn’t it be grand if it ended up that way?

Last week, I entered a time machine. It was a time I had nearly forgotten. I reminisced down memory lane. I strolled down the beach to gather myself once again. This mermaid…

I contemplated life in the silence. It used to bother me so. It used to make my skin crawl.

Now?

There is far more music in the sound of nothingness than in anything else at all. It is truly amazing.

And while its easy to find my way home to you… it’s not always easy to get there. Sometimes I forget the way. Sometimes I forget the days. Sometimes, it seems that it’s easier to forget and walk away from those things that dare be unleashed once again. It’s easier to pretend. It’s easier…

It’s been a series of unfortunate events. There’s a few flies in the ointment. A few…wrenches in my gears.

Things around here are just… well this weekend started with a major misunderstanding. It was something small that escalated, and while there was a result, I’m not really quite happy with it. I think what happened was both…

It wasn’t a shining moment for me.

About a week ago, the first domino fell. My phone has been giving me issues and since will not properly sync with my computer to take my contacts off. Therefore if you have called/texted me and have gotten a “who are you?” Fret not. I do not have amnesia… but my phone does.

It started some thinking for me… do I just manually enter the people I care about’s phone numbers or do I just do the factory reset and lose all of my texts off of my phone entirely?

Now for those of you that have been reading my personal twitter account, you may have noticed some strange texts over the past few days. This is me going through my “notes” of the year or so lifespan this version of my phone has.

You can see quite a bit of your life… in those digital transmissions. I have seen the course of friendships and… people that I care about drift into my life and disappear into the sunset.

I’m not even saying this is remotely near what it is, what it was, or what it could be. I am not thinking about that. I’m just having a good time. I wanted to continue to have a good time with…

“Soon, the time will be right… soon.”

Here’s hoping it is.

I’m not ready to erase- you- just yet.

The misunderstanding that transpired happened for a few reasons. But most of all, it happened because, despite knowing in my mind exactly what to do, I had a moment (few moments) of blatant stupidity.

It lead me to a point of introspection. I reflected on my actions from outside of the box. I was not happy with all of my choices. I knew how much that I have evolved and well, it sounded like I was leaving the wrong impression on this instance.

I knew know better.

I continued on like every other thing. I had to move forward, even if it was a bit of a setback. In a way, little had changed with…

but in the ways that it had, well…

I was making a video yesterday afternoon and then technology fubar #2 occurred. This time, it was my camcorder. Gotta love it. To make matters worse, it was somewhat involving something pretty important to me.

The camcorder completely froze and would not shut off. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be completely broken let alone if I was going to be able to recover the video recorded previously to the camera.

I wrote an update on Facebook freaking out.

The text, the misunderstanding… and then…

I wondered if it was a sign. I’m still not sure.

Looking through and reflecting… purging and making way for the future.

I plugged my camcorder into the USB. I hoped and wished that it would work. I didn’t want the setback of the equipment. I was prepared for the worst. I think that’s how a person should always approach life.

I am happy to say that my camera is miraculously working now. The video in question (along with the others) were recovered. And while I won’t be posting it here, know that it is…

I have been focusing more on my web series project (one that bloomed out of its parent project) more than I have the documentary for quite some time now.

My computer hit the max and I needed to get another hard drive.

Between that and a litany of other things, the project was more or less put on hold until… go figure, I was feeling a bit more inspiration.

That happened (another awakening if you will) at Comic Con and further more as it continued past. And while a lot of the video I got at the con may not likely make the doc, it was what happened afterward that actually reminded me “get back on your project, it’s important.”

I do not believe in forcing art. I am a purist of so many forms. I want genuine pieces that I can be proud of.

I took a time out… perhaps a lot of that should have been on film. Perhaps it wasn’t meant to. It was not a great time for me.

And then the card came.

Cranes and.... subtleties

At the time, I honestly couldn’t tell you how many cranes I was at. I was slacking and, well, hadn’t folded in months either. And while I have quite a bit more than the ones shown here, I still haven’t made the mark just yet.

I got this near the day I had originally intended to finish the project- my soft deadline of August 6th- the 64th anniversary of the bomb dropping on Hiroshima: Peace Day. I had failed but maybe… not just yet.

It was a sign in it’s simplest form sent directly to my doorstop. As did… other things later.

Nonetheless, it’s time. It’s not quite time… but…

Wise words from another world echo in the background. They speak volumes in one short sentence- not written on the back of this card.

They may have just as well have been.

Time will tell.

Time will tell.

Time.

Will…

For now, I shall reach out…

for that muse…

for that…

Well, a girl can’t give everything away. But the answer may not be what you think.