AUTHORITIES: Jimmy Hoffa “Probably Not in Hoboken”

Following an exhaustive street-by-street search of the city’s paved surfaces, officials have concluded that the body of missing labor union leader James Riddle “Jimmy” Hoffa is, “probably not in Hoboken.”

“We really thought we were onto something,” says Hoboken Mayor Dawn Zimmer. “Turns out, the guys from PSE&G and SUEZ [water] were kinda wondering themselves, so we decided to dig up as many of our streets as we could and take a look around.”

Hoffa, the controversial Teamster boss who was notorious for his reputed mafia connections, was last seen in late July 1975 outside the Machus Red Fox restaurant near Detroit, Michigan. However, years and years of tips and urban legend have led many to believe that he was interred here in Northern New Jersey. Some of the more persistent rumors have Hoffa in the Meadowlands or under the Pulaski Skyway. Yet a reference to infamous mafia contract killer Richard “Ice Man” Kuklinski put the focus on Hoboken, as he was known to frequent the area.

The pursuit was relentless, with authorities disrupting traffic and utilities day after day—regardless of the hour. Eventually it reached a level where the charade was simply too much to bear.

“At one point, we dug up four different sites in one week,” says City Spokesperson Juan Melli. “That may have been a bit overzealous—I mean, who’s honestly going to believe that a first-world municipality in this day and age could have four separate water main breaks in a seven-day period.”

“The City still has eight years remaining in a contract that requires SUEZ Water to make almost no proactive investment in our water infrastructure,” says Melli. “That should give us plenty of opportunity to keep digging.”