Daily Life

02/18/2018

It happens at work, at home, online, and all over the television programs which continue to stir the pot -- encouraging it to boil over.

What am I referring to?

People who can't have a discussion that involves empathetic discussion.

What is empathy?

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

It can be as simple as saying to your child, "I understand how you might feel that way." Or to your wife, "You feel very strongly about that issue, I can appreciate why, given your experience." Or to your coworker, "That makes sense..." before you offer your opinion. It's having high EQ -- something that many with IQ simply don't possess.

Your argument has a chance of being heard when you stop and listen to the other side's point of view. When you refuse to acknowledge that the other person just might have a point, you turn them completely off to any chance of hearing YOUR point of view. How incredibly short-sighted do you have to be? If you want to be heard, you first have to hear!

I am so frustrated by a world of angry, one-sided purists. It's draining. It's demoralizing. I lose respect for the other person when I don't see them acknowledging my analysis. After a while, I wonder if it is worth being anywhere near them -- as I know I simply won't ever see eye to eye with them. What's the point? Seriously. All this talk about having an "honest dialogue" is nothing if you don't want to hear why someone is thinking the way they are.

Change can only happen when everyone is willing to look through the eyes of another -- to examine problems from many angles. I know it isn't easy, but we'll never progress if we keep going like this.

This debate we are having on gun rights is killing our nation. I want to stand up and scream "Your right to bear arms does not trump anyone's right to live." But, I appreciate that there are responsible gun owners. Taking guns away solves no problems. Enforcing laws already on the books helps, but not completely. Getting adequate mental health care -- treating the mind like we do the body -- that is what we need to do. And yes, we need to reduce the number of guns in circulation. There is just no reason to have millions of them out there. That's illogical. Why can't we sit and talk logically about these issues? Why can't we solve problems together instead of continuing to stand on principles?

04/01/2017

Someone has said something so wrong that I am gobsmacked -- unable to respond appropriately.

I was always taught to speak my mind, but speak politely. I must admit, I have stumbled a few times. I have been direct at times when I probably shouldn't have said a word. I was inappropriate, not out of malice, but perhaps my enthusiasm got ahead of my sensibilities. I did learn, early on though, that if you make a mistake, you own up to it. You summon up the courage to apologize for offending someone and find a way to make the situation right. You don't hide from your mistakes because lord knows, we're all going to make them, and the worst thing you can do is to pretend that they didn't happen.

My daughter has been dealing with a situation at school with another student. This other person has been more than inappropriate. He has been telling her things that no one should ever hear. ("You should go kill yourself. You don't have any friends, no one likes you.") He says things in a "joking" manner. He sends text messages about killing himself. The other kids laugh -- sometimes -- nervously. But no one tells him to stop. That's just him, they say. He's stressed out. He has a tough time at home. Excuses, excuses.

She's been dealing with this herself. She's told him repeatedly that what he said wasn't funny, and he had to stop. Her girlfriends knew about it, but they didn't say anything because that was "just him being him."

He went too far this week. He caught her at her locker and told her that if she went to a place where many of the kids gather after school that "the group will rape you." Yes, that's what he said. Twice.

In a vulnerable moment, later that night, she broke down and told me. And I was speechless. Then I was overcome with sadness, as I hugged her. Then it turned to anger. I was mad. And I told her I'd help her handle it. And I praised her for her courage to reach out and speak out even though it was hard. And my anger melted as I imagined what it must be like to be that other kid.

We contacted the school. Our principal was swift, compassionate, and professional. We want the other child to get help -- we are not looking for punishment. He must be hurting badly to lash out like this. Someone had to say something. I'm glad my daughter had the courage to speak up. For herself. For her "friend." I then contacted other parents whose kids are in this circle to let them know right from me exactly what happened. You know how rumor mills twist everything.

We need to make each other's business our own business. We need to teach our children to stand up for themselves, yes, but also to know when lines are crossed and to always feel empowered to ask for help. And if we teach them these lessons when they are young, then when they are older, they will know what to do when they need it most.

03/14/2017

"Aren't you worried someone is going to think you are writing about him?" my friend asked.

Not really, I replied, shaking my head.

Because when I write, I don't really write about anyone in particular.

Perceptions and feelings. That is what interests me most. I write about how I feel, from my heart and my mind. I don't write about anyone else. How can I? I don't know what other people think and feel -- I don't live in anyone else's head. I also don't write about singular experiences. Things that are fleeting may capture my attention briefly, but rarely do they give me enough to consider as fodder for a post. Plus, I have lived long enough on this earth to know that I don't have an original thought! Nor do I have original experiences! (Not only do I like to write, but I really, really, like to read. There's quite a lot to read out there on the intertubes!)

Seriously, that's true.

When I am finally motivated to write about something, it's usually because I have experienced something more than once. I pick up on patterns. I mull over them. I do a lot of introspection. I wonder, is it just me? Is this something unique? Is it a shared condition? In my search for meaning, I read what others write. Often I am surprised at how similar our experiences are. In many cases, I put down my (metaphoric) pen and close my pad. Enough said. Other times, I don't see what I am thinking out there...and so I choose to add my two cents to the mix, hoping to add additional insight to someone else's thinking.

Writing honestly is not about being clever. It's not about serving your ego either. For me, it's about having a conversation. It's about expressing thoughts that need to be said so that a connection is made with another person. That's it. Pretty simple. If you spend all your time crafting the exact prose -- you may miss the whole point of writing -- that is -- to communicate.

Honesty doesn't mean that you are right all the time. It doesn't mean that you expose people or all your inner thoughts for the world to see. What it does mean is that you write clearly and cleanly without pretense. It is about taking look at yourself, looking at others, drawing conclusions, and having the courage to express your opinion. Opinions aren't write or wrong. They just *are*. As someone, somewhere said, like (fill in body parts) -- everyone has one.

If you think you see yourself in someone's post, I believe that means you are open, and perceptive, and can grow. I see myself in honest writing all the time when authors describe something that I am insecure of in my own life. As you might imagine, I find myself touched, often when I read about challenges people have being good mothers, good wives, good employees, good bosses, good daughters. I read about better ways of managing my relationships all the time and wonder at what point -- what is good enough?

But I think we're all in various states of imperfection. That's what makes us so interesting. That's what makes reading honest writing so interesting. When people don't pretend to have all the answers. When people are willing to lean on each other, it can "honestly" -- be magical.

10/27/2014

I have been thinking a lot lately about my past, my present, and of course, the future.

Where will I be in 5 years? 10 years? Will we be living here? Where will our kids go to school? Which friends will continue to be part of our lives and who will fade away as circumstances change?

All this thinking, this reflection on the past and the contemplation on the future can be simultaneously exciting and yet filled with angst. "If I could do it again, I would..." But that is just fruitless, isn't it? We haven't invented a time machine and even if we did, that whole time-space continuum thingy would be irrevocably destroyed causing unforseen damages -- and who would chance that, anyway?!

No, we can't go back any more than we can predict the future. Oh, some of us plan obsessively for the life we think we want in N years but truth be told, you cannot predict what will happen that can take even the best laid plans and waylay them. Control is an illusion, isn't it? Yet that doesn't mean that we can't be deliberate with the present.

The more I think about it, the more I feel as if by choosing to live deliberately, in the moment, in the present -- the happier and more fulfilled we become. That doesn't mean that we spend ever penny, or we neglect obligations to chase our fleeting whims. Rather, it is more about looking at what we have and making a conscious choice to be happy with it.

I think people are in our lives to live them with us as active participants. We learn so much from each other when we allow ourselves to be open to change -- and change only happens when something from one person causes a reaction in another.

I'm experiencing a time of great change these days. I'm looking back at the last 49 years and as crazy as some of them were, my regrets are few and far between. I truly love the people who are in my life. I love my new job -- and the chance I have to learn and grow and make a difference. I love that my children are becoming their own persons right before my eyes. I'm growing old with my husband, my friends, and sisters and brothers-in-law (my co-authors of our collective lives history (fairytale?) and am always amazed at who we are and how far we've each matured through the years to the people we've become.

I'm with the same man I fell in love with 26 years -- at this point we've spent more time together than apart. Despite both of us growing and changing, and challenges of perception, health, wealth, and circumstances, we have lived a charmed life so far. I have truly intimate relationships with people over time that span the practicality and reality of our respective lives. We can go months, even years without seeing each other and yet, we can pick up the phone and continue as if no time has passed. That is a gift of the present. That is a gift that makes me so aware of enjoying the moments while they are happening, because that is truly what life is made of -- *this* -- being truly here, present and particpating.

Contemplative? Yes. Crazy? Maybe. Here? Definitely.

Does my personal navel-gazing belong on a public blog? I don't know the answer to that question. I think yes. Why do I share? To connect I think. I enjoy solace, but I enjoy being part of the collective so much more. Joy, discovery, love, lust, sadness, loss, ache, confusion and clarity -- all of it is meant to be experienced together and not in a vacuum. When we cry, our tears are filled with emotion that spill from deep inside. Tangible emotion in a liquid form. When we laugh, the sound is irrepressibly communicable -- we can't help ourselves but to react to the sound caused by delight.

We were meant to be here and to share, that is what I know. That was by design, not default.

06/02/2014

In the past month, I found two four leaf clovers (aka shamrocks.) Considering that they are not easy to find, and somewhat rare for the casual clover viewer -- well, I felt kind of lucky. The funny part was that the circumstances under which I found these little gems made my story feel special.

In both cases, I was at the high school field, sitting in a lawn chair, watching the Freshman baseball team play. The skies were gray, the air was cold. This is life in May in Central New York. Spring ball can be a challenge for even the most dedicated fans.

The first time the team wasn't finding their groove at all. They kept missing the easy plays and I think they just didn't have their heads into the game. I admit, I was discouraged -- all the parents were -- and I was just looking down at the ground around my feet. I brushed my hand against it -- and tilted my head in disbelief. I had to get down really close to the ground to inspect it. Wow! It was a four leaf clover! I can't tell you how giddy I was!

Of course, I announced it to the rest of the parents on the team and my daughter rushed down to tell my son. Wouldn't you know it, they won the game! Silly, right? But that feeling of something special carried over to the rest of my week. Whereas I was feeling in the dumps before, letting those gray CNY clouds get the better of my mood, suddenly things just seemed to be unfolding in front of me.

Now the second clover find happened at a game similar to the first. The boys were having a rough time of it. And again, I wasn't really paying attention. After the rarity of finding the first (they say the odds are 1 in 10,000) I wasn't really looking for another clover. But sure enough -- I let my eyes fall to the ground right by my chair. When I focused, a smile crept across my face, then I yelled out loud! I found another! There is was! And sure enough, the boys pulled ahead and won the game!

While the lottery tickets I bought weren't winners (shocking, right?) I did have a slight change in perspective. Prior to finding those clovers, I was feeling a bit bummed about some recent changes in my routine. Those clovers reminded me that sometimes when things are not quite as you'd like them to be, luck can appear and change your fate.

Now of course, I've been looking for them. And I haven't found more! But that's OK as I don't think luck is something you can really control. Yes, being in a field overrun by clover did increase my chance of finding one of these little mutated plants. But I had to be relaxed enough to let my eyes see it for what it was. After all, if you look too hard, sometimes you miss the very thing right in front of your eyes.

I was relaying my story to another mom at the field this weekend (I was scanning the ground while she was talking to me...) She told me that she actually bought a package of shamrock seeds and her girls routinely find the lucky clovers! I have to laugh. I guess that's what's called "Making your own luck."

As for me, I'll just keep putting myself in the right fields ... and leave my eyes open to the possibilities that exist. Hopefully, I won't overlook my lucky moment.

04/26/2014

I have had an ongoing discussion about health and weight for a long time with a few of my good friends. Despite likely being completely tired of hearing me complain how hard it is to stick with something, they continue to listen (or pretend to!) to advise, and to be supportive. They have their own challenges -- none of us claims to have it all figured out. I suppose that's why we're good for each other.

One idea that is intriguing me is examining the goals that I'm setting and figuring out what benefits I get from NOT obtaining those goals. Sounds confusing, right? But it is actually pretty simple and I think a smart way to figure out what is standing in my way.

It goes like this:

My goal is to lose weight and in general, be more fit. Why? Well, I think I'd just feel better overall if I dropped some pounds. Plus, I love getting dressed when I am fit. I love being able to walk into any store and having lots of things look good right off the rack. Plus, life is easier when you are healthier. While there is nothing wrong with me now (well, I am overweight on the charts), I can look and feel better and possibly prevent health issues from getting worse if I become more physically fit.

In order to do that I should:

Exercise daily

Eat better

Stop drinking

So now I'm supposed to look at these things I should do and describe the benefits I get from NOT doing them. (Still with me?)

1. Exercise daily.

When I don't exercise, I have more time to do other things I like more. Like writing, reading, cooking, being with my husband and kids, or doing nothing at all. I'm a big fan of not always being somewhere or doing something. Sometimes I just like to be off the grid. Seems to me like regular exercise takes up a good chunk of time between getting there, going to the class and then showering and moving on. And when you're working full time and have responsibilities that start the second you get home, it feels like an indulgence (a bad one, not a good one) to spend that time exclusivley on yourself. The bottom line? When I do spend time at the gym, I feel guilty like I'm wasting my time when I could be doing something more productive or helpful to the family.

2. Eat better.

When I eat poorly, it's more about time & convenience than anything else. I really like to cook but sometimes I don't have the energy to shop for all the right stuff, do the prep and the cooking, then clean up. I love good food, but I just get lazy -- and convenience food allows me time to do other things and get out of the kitchen.

3. Stop drinking alcohol

You know when the doctor asks you how much you drink? I would say socially. I don't have alcohol daily, but I do enjoy adult beverages. Giving that up means giving up something that makes me relax. I love taste of wine (especially with cheese and bread) and I enjoy the way that people let their hair down when they meet over drinks. I don't want to miss out on that interaction that doesn't really seem to happen over coffee.

So, then the next part of this is to see if any of these *benefits* are worth more than the actual goal.

Exercise doesn't have to be all or nothing. And it can be social. And I think that's what I crave the most is the social aspect of it. By signing up for classes with friends I can get what I want out of the time. Or I can do it with the family. Now that it is warmer out, I feel much more inclined to do something active outside, so let's cross that benefit off the list. I always feel so much more energetic after I get out and get my heart rate up.

Convenience is a big benefit, but I really can find convenient healthy options to eat for those times that I don't want to be bothered cooking, so I can cross that off the list.

Drinking isn't all or nothing. I can just have 1 glass of wine for every two glasses of water. I don't need to drink, I just like to do it. So that's a crappy excuse. No one cares if I drink when we go out, in fact, I have several friends who have given it up to lose weight. I just enjoy it, and I don't overdo it, but it probably makes sense to save it for special occasions.

So I can clearly say that the benefits that keep me from reaching my goal are not worth more than the benefit of achieving the goal of losing weight and getting more fit.

I just have to make it easier to avoid the benefits that I get from not keeping the ultimate goal front and center. That means making myself more accountable -- to me. This requires more thinking.

01/28/2014

Don't hesitate in telling those in your life what they mean to you. If there's someone in your life you haven't spoken to in awhile, reach out. If you had words with a friend that you never got around to apologizing for, extend your olive branch. Finish unfinished business. Don't let things fester. A clean heart is a clean soul. And most important, don't ever let the words "I love you," remain on your tongue. Because you never know if it will be your last chance to share them.

12/27/2013

The week that sits smugly between Christmas and New Year's has always been a week of limbo wonderland for me.

I love the smells and the sights of the holiday season. I like how people seem to be just a little nicer (when they aren't stressing out over parking spaces and retail deals.)

I love getting the tree out, and remembering the who, what, and when of the stories our ornaments tell. The stringing of lights -- should we do all white? Purple? Multi-colored? And where are those little pinecones and snowmen I love? I like the cold weather, the white of the snow, the gentle snowflakes falling against the window --sticking fast then melting slowly, the birds perched on branches, pecking away at the seeds, the warmth of the fire,the smell of hot cocoa with gooey marshmallows that melt into oblivion, the sweet taste of candy canes, the tartness of the lemon over the fish... oh, the sights and sounds and smells of the season can be intoxicating!

But then there is the end of the year, the reckoning of what was and wasn't accomplished. Where we were and where we are now. It is incredibly sobering to stop and take measure of what you've done with the last twelve months. How much you've grown, and for many of us, how much you may have regressed in areas where you most needed to let go.

I get a double-whammy of navel-gazing this time of year because my birthday falls during this week, too. I think of where I am with my health -- my family, my friends, my work -- and where I may have thought I wanted to be. Fortunately, I don't think I would change much if I had the chance to relive my life. I find myself ever bolder than ever these days, saying what I think, and meaning what I say. I am trying to make what is hopefully, the second half of my life even more rich than the first. I tend to think that we age like fine wine -- we only get better with time. But stopping to assess and enjoy a few sips along the way is essential. No sense in going to your grave with an unopened bottle.

When I was in grade school, I hated having a holiday week birthday. Mine was celebrated with family, but without much fanfare, and honestly, that was something I grew to expect. I'm not actually complaining. I think they did the best they could -- as they struggled with their own demons during the holidays -- but they did share this unmistakable melancholy veil that tinted holidays to come.

As I got older and could choose what I wanted, I was fortunate to have colleagues for friends. They would have champagne and cake with me if I worked that week. And my sweet husband always remembers and has surprised me with his creativity and kindness, especially in years where I have felt the lack of sunshine and the paradoxical sadness which is the other side of holiday joy.

I think about so many people who suffer from loneliness during a season even though they are surrounded by people. I have worked hard to combat those feelings by adopting people as family into my life. We spent this Christmas Eve surrounded by our "chosen family." Many of us were talking about how incredibly cool it is to be with people who don't put you into any role from your childhood. No family fights, no biting commentary. Just silliness and laughter and a sense of camaraderie.

The idea of having people in your life because you want them there, not because they have to be there is quite compelling to me. Spontaneous expressions of wonderment which come from sharing experiences is the best gift of all. Having someone like you for you. That's more than any mandatory family (or relationship) can offer, it is indeed something to be treasured. I am not a religious person, and although I know some people think labeling yourself as "spriritual" is a cop-out -- it's the truth. I don't believe in a "god" but I do believe in the magic of our spirit. I believe in people I meet who are extraordinary in their willingness to grow. I believe in old souls and new perspectives. I get the butterfly effect -- I feel it. Energy is alive and can be shared or sucked out of us depending upon our own awareness of how we affect others.

Not sure what 2014 will bring, but looking back on this year, and celebrating this past week with people I care deeply about makes me feel very lucky indeed.

09/08/2013

I'm sitting here with my dear friend and nutritional mentor, Laurie Palmiero Wilde talking about making big changes again. I know what to do. I have the friends who want to support me. I even like the freaking food! But the problem is all in my head. It's not that I can't do it, it's that I haven't figured out how to stay motivated past a meal or two at a time. Evening comes, that wine & cheese call my name, and I'm slaughtered. Slave to my indulgences.

08/30/2013

Oh, I had things to focus on, things I needed to do... but I didn't really set any particular agenda. I just let things unfold and I lept upon opportunities as they revealed themselves.

Not having any expectations made my experience delightfully, suprisingly fun and memorable. No regrets because of things I "shoulda, woulda" and no disappointments as I had no plans.

As I reflect a bit on this, I smile unconsciously. It seems like it is the little things that can have the biggest impact sometimes. Finding a cool rock on a beach, eating a perfectly crisp fish sandwich, enjoying time walking on a cool green lawn in the warm rain, staring up at stars on a clear summer night, being with good friends and not needing to say anything at all yet saying so much. I'm just filled with something good that I can't explain.

Life unfolds in mysterious ways. You are connected to people over space and time and those experiences weave themselves into a magnificent tapestry when you stop and reflect.

Sometimes, I think that you need to stop your routine and just go with the flow to be able to get a good grip on what is important in your life. I'm not sure I know the answers, but I have found one way of exploring them, that's for sure.

Is it the Buddists who always try to live in the moment? I think that's what a zen state of mind is all about. Am feeling very zen like today... and wishing you, the very same.

Give without expectation, accept without reservation, and love without hesitation.

Waiting on my hubby and kids to return from a week at the beach -- eager to see the new creatures they are bringing home and the stories spun in sugar and sand. Expecting nothing. :)

05/12/2013

Your mom is your mom, no matter what. Her womb/egg + your dad's sperm (whether you know him or he contributed via a turkey baster) = the magic, unique you. You wouldn't be here if it weren't for them so you have an obligation to acknowledge them regardless of your relationship.

Notice, I said acknowledge. I used to think you had to "love" someone because of that blood relationship. I no longer think that is true. I know for certain that you can't force someone to like or respect you. That has to be earned.

Some people lose their moms very early in life to death. Others lose them through illness. But many of us have complicated relationships with the woman we call "mom" no matter if she is still alive, dead, estranged or even adopted. The one saving grace is that when you are a mom yourself, you have the opportunity to review your own childhood (although never objectively!) and do it your own way.

I've learned a few key lessons from my own mom, and several more from listening my friends recounting stories from their childhood. Funny how animated we all get when the topic comes up. We are all both rightous and humbled. As we share our stories, we find it crazy that our mothers ever thought it was right to say and do the things they did to us!

No one teaches you how to be a mother. You have to develop your own style. There are some moms though, who are mentor, teacher, nurse, comforter, friend, and sage all in one. They earn the respect of their families by their strength and conviction. Then there are those who we don't understand -- and who we try NOT to emulate.

If you are a "Mom" do you see yourself saying these things? Cause trust me, when your kids are in their middle ages, trying to negotiate parenthood with their own children -- these are the things they think about.

"I gave up my life for you."

"I gave up my career to be a mother."

"You are a good ______ because I was a good ______."

"You must respect me, it says so in the bible."

"Why can't you be more like the "Smith's" (three kids same ages)

"Everyone else visits their mom every, single day."

"If you loved me, you would let me live with you."

"Your father loves you more than he loves me."

"My thighs are thinner than yours. You really need to lose weight."

"I could have married many very successful men. I felt sorry for your father."

"I can't visit you, you have to visit me. Yes I know you both work and kids have activities everyday. I know I sit on my couch everyday. No, I can't possibly put the cat in the kennel."

"Your children didn't say I love you to me. What do you teach them?"

"You spoiled your children, I never spoiled you."

Some moms cursed AT us. (Not just used curses to express anger or shock, but literally cursed us for not being who they wanted.) Others refused to get help for depression, alcoholism, or other health problems. Some thought that everything was a "family secret" and they taught their kids to lie to protect them from people learning about their inadequacies.

I think what burns me up more than any of those things is the idea -- or the line of reasoning -- "I did my best."

Guess what? Sometimes your best is just not good enough.

It's not good enough when your kids cry all the time. It's not good enough when you resort to hitting them because you can't control your temper. It's not good enough to be cursed at constantly. It's not good enough when you can't find a way to let them live in a clean, safe environment. It's not good enough when they go hungry because you don't want to find a job to support them. And its not fair to them for you to continue to have babies when you can't take care of the ones you have.

Collectively, my sisters, my closest girlfriends and I have agreed to be straight shooters with each other -- no matter what damage that may cause to our relationships. What I mean is that if I ever became "that person" -- that whiner, complainer, twisted, person who has excuses a mile long who would be the cause of problems in my marriage or as a mother -- then I expect my closest friends and family to take me aside and demand that I get help. And I would do the same for them. There are many women I meet and I cringe when I hear them complain about their circumstances and yet they don't do anything about it. What do you think children are learning when they watch you? If you want to raise strong, independent children who are responsible, good citizens, spouses, and parents -- you need to teach them!

Really good moms are those women who make you feel glad you are alive. They support you, they challenge you. They make you laugh, they make you cry. You want to be with them. They have their own lives, their own interests, they don't live for you they live WITH you. They aren't completely grown up, they grow up and learn from you and with you! They have healthy relationships with the other parent (or other adults in their lives.) They are fully formed, healthy people (at least mentally) and don't try to put their expectations, failures and faults on you. You don't have to walk on eggshells with them.

Each day, I try to be a better mother to my children by remembering to make sure that I am taking care of myself so that I can take care of them. Lord knows, I'm far from perfect. In fact, just this week, my 10 year-old told me "You're the worst mom EVER!" when I told her that she could not go to a friend's house after school because her room was filthy. She pouted. She cried. She ran to her room. Slammed the door. I didn't yell. I didn't chase after her. I let her stew.

The next morning -- we had a staring contest. I smiled at her. Then she reached out to hug me and I said "Do you have something to say to me?" And crying, she apologized. She was just frustrated because she "really, really wanted to go."

I find myself wondering a lot. In between living of course. Most of the time, I'm caught in the moment, engaged fully, locked, loaded, ready to spring, or resting after the recoil.

But in those down times, when I can hear the crickets chirp or the birds start their morning routines, I am left with the great solitude of my thoughts. I find myself wondering how all of my choices up to this point have led me to this exact moment in time. I look back...

I wonder "if" but not ruefully. My wondering leads often to the pattern that I can see when I step away-- and look at my life without any real focus. Often, random opportunities taken, people met, books read, songs sung -- have led to something else bigger and better a few years down the road.

When I do the "if only" routine... (I'd be lying if I said that I don't ever think about what might have been) I do come back to the "but, no!" thoughts. If only, for example, I chose a different college -- "but no!" -- because I wouldn't have had that internship which led me to my girlfriend which led me to my husband with whom I've made my children. See what I mean?

You can do the "if only" but because everything is connected in your continuum, if you change one thing -- the rest of the path is altered dramatically leaving you without people, experiences and lessons which make you who you are. For some people, that one little change may change more bad than good. But for me? Not so much.

So yes. I do wonder.

And I'm filled with wonder.

Wonder that I've been so lucky to have had such a wild ride. Wonder that I have a full, rich, life and am surrounded by people who I love and who love me back.

04/21/2013

Sharing what you feel is like unleashing spring in your heart. It's a time of renewal, excitement, and hope.

This morning, on Sunday Morning (CBS TV show) , there was a very emotional piece about regrets.

Given all the craziness of the last week -- Boston, West, Texas, etc. it is a perfect time to reflect on all the things you should have, could have, would have said ..."if only." As they said in the commentary, we don't get to set Mother Nature's clock. You have to do it now before your chance is forever taken from you.

Author Jackie Hooper started thinking about this concept when Natasha Richardson died unexpectedly a couple of years ago. The actress developed a brain hemmorage after a seemingly innocuous hit to the head while on the ski slopes. Her family and friends never had a chance to say what they needed to say as she died within two days of her fall. Jackie sent out a note to friends, family and elsewhere -- asking people to write to her with those things that they wish they had said. Letters poured in from all over the world. She turned that into a book.

Watching this piece brought upon so many emotions at once. I miss my dad, and I know I would have liked to tell him things -- maybe correct things I said in anger -- or at least explain them -- and now I can't. I also think of times when I was really a jerk. Not quite a bully, but I didn't have the best intentions when I opened my mouth. I wince internally when I try to figure out why I reacted in the way I did, so many years ago. Occasionally, I reach out to people (and they must think I've lost my marbles) and say -- remember about oh, 25 years ago, I said...

On the other hand, I really try to tell people who are in my life why they are important to me. My kids and husband are smothered sometimes -- as I think you should say "I love you" and mean it -- and I always feel so filled with gratitude when they spontaneously burst with emotion. My close friends know that I love them, and care for them, and feel better because they are in my life. I say so only when I mean it -- because I think you can feel when someone truly loves you, regardless of what words they may use or choose not to say. It's always tricky to put yourself out there, especially with declarations of love. Maybe the other person doesn't think you are a best friend, maybe she feels funny -- as we all have our internal scripts about loyalty and devotion.

Say what you have to say. It's hard, it's scary, it can be fraught with its own "what if's." But if you need to apologize, explain, or express something -- just do it. Your very world may change because of it. I know mine has. And it will continue -- as I push myself to be honest with the people who have brought so much into my life.

03/18/2013

A fitness blogger and friend, Greta Boris, always shares a lot of good ideas she has about chocolate and wine, but her greatest passion and her strength, I believe, is her dedication to fitness. As a fitness coach who helps others get off their behinds, she says it was pretty easy to stay in shape when one is paid to do it. Now, no longer a gym rat, but a writer, she finds it harder to squeeze in a good workout. She shared her thoughts on what works and doesn't work for her in this post.

I've been trying to slowly change how I approach eating, fitness, work, and play. I remember being in my 20's and boldly declaring to the 50 somethings around me that "Life is too short not to eat what you want." Oh, how I wish I could eat those words. Yup, back then I didn't really have to worry about it. Now? I love to cook. I love to entertain. I don't like the gym. I do feel better when I work up a sweat though. And I feel better when I avoid processed foods. My goal this time? To be a real "loser." I am aiming to lose my old habits and shed some weight while I'm at it.

No absolutes: I am not giving up because I have gone off plan. I am learning to get back on the wagon with the next meal or snack. I used to just get frustrated with myself and give up, but these days I'm simply not falling for that excuse. Each bite of food is a choice. Sometimes I choose immediate pleasure over long term goals. So what! No one gets out of shape or fat from one meal or one day on the couch. I don't have to be perfect to get to my goal. No matter how many times I heard that advice, I never seemed to listen to it and incorporate it. This time feels different.

No faking it: I am not as active as I want to be partially because I haven't felt like it. It's cold and gray out. The few times I went walking with friends in fall (5+ miles) I overdid it. I paid the price the next two days. I am learning to find my limits and push them slowly. It's not a race -- its a complete transformation of my lifestyle that I'm after. Now some people follow "fake it 'til you make it" and it works for them. I just feel like an imposter dressed in spandex when I go that route!

Portion control: This one has always been a challenge. I've always liked good (healthy) foods, but I also enjoy things that aren't as healthy when consumed more frequently. So bread, wine, and cheese are not completely out of the picture, but now I'm trying to take a portion and then stop. It's particularly hard when friends keep filling your glass, but I can always get up and move the glass, right? And a glass or two on the weekend isn't really bad for you. It's the daily drinking (calories and dehydration) that wear you down.

No daily weighing: There are two camps on the subject of weight management. Some say you should weigh yourself daily and accept fluctuations, others say stay off the scale and just go by how your clothes fit. I have decided that once every few weeks is good enough for me. I get discouraged when I hop on daily, and I also know that it's easy to get comfortable and simply blow off the metrics. Hopefully, I will see movement in the right direction.

I do like these ideas and am thinking about incorporating them into my daily routine.

Use a pedometer: And wear it EVERY DAY. I have a Fit Bit. (Actually I had 2 but the first one I lost and then the second one? I jumped into the pool with it. Mere hours after it arrived in the post. Yup. Luckily for me, I tried a zillion tricks to dry it out and I got it working again.) Truth be told, when I wear that little tracker I feel like I have to move more. Psychological mumbo-jumbo it might be, but on the days that I'm slugging, I take it off so that I don't have to see how lazy I've been. Isn't that telling?

Start the day with exercise: I know many people who put their excercise needs before coffee. Some swear by meditation. I've done that in the past and have been successful with it. In the winter, not so much. But when it is quiet and the sun is rising? I love being outside to wake with the world. As the snow melts here, I find myself longing for those 6:00am morning walks. (I tend to rise and pick up my iPhone. Probably not the smartest thing to have it next to my bed! And don't be snarky, I bet you do it, too!)

Make a playlist that lasts as long as your workout should last: I read this somewhere and I'm just making my new list. The idea is that if you say you have 45 minutes to exercise then make yourself a playlist that starts out slow (to warm up,) gets faster and peaks, then slows down again for the cooling down period. Over time, your brain learns to associate the rhythms with endorphins flowing through your body. I have no idea if this will work, but I'm game to try anything to get me out and more active more often.

My goal isn't to be rail thin. I'm pretty healthy but I want to feel better in my clothes. I want to sleep better, stay more alert, and live more of my life outside. So, are you as bad as I am? What are you doing to motivate yourself to change your life?

02/28/2013

Each new job changes you by bringing out your best...remember how the three sisters kept changing Cinderella's dress until they made the perfect gown for their princess?

I think few people have a dream and know the exact path they must take to realize a career.

There are exceptions to the rule of course. Some professions do have a clear path. Lawyers, doctors, teachers perhaps? However, in the age of the dot.com millionaire, there are many 20-somethings who could not imagine working for anyone else, and they eagerly begin their journey with a naive passion that can make their success easier or more difficult depending upon their chosen industry.

Growing up, I dreamed of being the voice that accompanied lovers, truck drivers and anyone really, who needed company and conversation to get them through the night. I graduated with a degree in Communications with a focus on Broadcasting. I interned during college, I ran the college radio station as General Manager, created a radio persona at a local station, and I came out with a position at WABC-AM in NYC working with traffic & continuity for the Yankee Network.

As roads have twists and turns, so does a career.

My WABC stint was ended before I had too much time to get comfortable. New owner, new budgets. C'est la vie. I then joined a temp agency (lousy typist that I was) and had literally the best time of my life. Temping allowed me an inside look at a variety of positions and industries. My broadcasting background -- where I was routinely exposed to celebrities -- was a benefit. Few impressed me to the point of intimidation. I also landed a part-time position at Shadow Traffic which served the NYC metropolitan area. Each weekend I'd announce the traffic on various stations -- and became proficient at extemporaneous speaking.

Those first ten years helped me morph from someone who could have had what she thought she wanted -- to someone who wanted more and pursued it. Each successive job built on the skill set I had learned in the previous job. I liken it to reading one book, then a complete set from one author, and then being introduced to the library. Each time I accepted a new position after being recommended by a former supervisor -- I was forced to learn new ways of doing my work with new tools. It was an exhilerating time.

While I had positions in sales -- my true love was putting the pieces together -- "consulting." In 1997 I started my own firm and spent the next ten years doing what I loved most -- using all the tools (and many of the people) I had worked with in the past, and many new ones, too -- to solve complex marketing challenges. The best part was looking at something that seemed impossible, then breaking it down into a series of steps that built upon each other.

I co-founded a new startup market research firm in 2007 with a business partner and my tried & true team of colleagues who I worked with in the past. We were so excited to use what we had learned and wanted to take that 360 view and apply it to our own company. Our team was amazing. People thought we were much larger and better financed than we were because we all gave everything we had for a chance to own our destiny. While that company had to close -- due to nefarious actions by associates who were supposed to be helping us close on financing -- the experience provided a rich education on startups -- and criminal investigations!

I've come to realize that my greatest strength is my passion. And I share that passion through linking together people and methods or things with my storytelling. I've grown these past 20 years to become an evangelist of sorts -- for anything that I trust and believe. The great fortune of working for several leading information companies, then running my own boutique and research firm -- I've kept up and mastered the tools of the modern marketer.

While much of my career has been entreprenurial -- I've gained immeasurable exposure to some of the most well-respected firms in the world through engagements and at industry conferences. I've learned not only what I like to do -- and what I'm really good at -- but also, the things that bring out the procrastinator in me!

An evangelist needs to be able to take that 360 view. It's a position that combines traditional marketing, sales, PR, networking and true social media skills to be the voice of a company. And that is what I have evolved into. The only question left is which company is ready to take on someone who can be synergistic with existing sales and marketing staff, making their jobs easier?

02/15/2013

Now I'm not saying you're perfectly satisfied with everything, but seriously, does a look in the mirror make you smile most of the time, or do you scowl?

I have been a very slinky size 6, and I have watched as the years have gone on and my weight put me at a 16 (and higher, at times.) Yet, no matter what size I am, I manage to look in the mirror and find something that makes my lips turn up at the corners. I think that who I am inside can be seen through my eyes, and so it doesn't always matter what my reflection shows. (Not that I don't have messed up hair with a squished pillow face -- it happens to us all except those tv characters who go to bed in full makeup and wake up without raccoon eyes!)

Now before you think I'm getting all egotistical, you need to know my philosophy on these things. I think no matter what your size or physical capabilities, confidence is only found when you realize your own worth (but humbly -- meaning, with respect to others unique gifts.) I know that's often easier said than done. Your charm, your wit, your ability to connect with others -- that's all a result of your ability to process emotions -- it is your very essense -- your personality, and that has nothing to do with the size of the clothes that hang in your closet. Or at least it shouldn't in my book. I've tried to live with that in mind when I have those days where my confidence is shattered.

Why is it that some of us don't eat and take to exercise when stressed, and others find comfort in noshing and resting? Either extreme is bad, but neither will do damage if done in moderation. I have periods where I sit in both camps, alternating bursts of energy with periods of sluggish rest. Lately, I've been more sluggish -- almost like I'm in purgatory. Waiting on lots of possibilities to turn into realities, nurturing them as best as I can, but the waiting can take a toll on your psyche, can't it?

It's funny, but the reason I'd like to shed pounds and become more physically toned has nothing to do with my confidence. It has more to do with fashion options! I like to get dressed and I don't like what I see off the rack. I find that some of the most unusually beautiful, expressive clothes are tailored to women who are shorter and rail thin. Those of us who are tall (5'10 1/2) and curvier don't stand a chance finding something that fits in those stores. (Have you ever heard the saying -- "If you can't get rid of it or hide it, at least dress it up!")

Do you find that your weight affects your confidence? What do you do when you need that boost, no matter what the scale says? Many women rely on makeup. (Men don't do that (at least the vast majority I know don't get excited about a new lipstick!) What makes you feel better about yourself regardles of what the scale says? How do you see what's within?

02/01/2013

My husband and I both grew up with animals. When we got our first apartment in Hoboken we both wanted to adopt a cat. Over time, and many moves, we picked up cats wherever we settled. The first two cats lived mostly inside with us as we lived in high rises and multiple-unit dwellings. By the time the third cat was added to our brood, we owned our own home in the 'burbs. All three cats quickly adapted to the indoor/outdoor routine. They'd sleep inside at night, and lounge in the sun on the hot slate during the day.

Eventually we were, in fact, that crazy couple with the big house and five cats and a dog. Yup. No human offspring, but those pets were our family. Eventually, our son and daughter were born, our family grew.

And if truth be told, when all of our original cats (16 or so years down the line) and our dog moved on to the great big barn in the sky -- as much as we missed our companions, we secretly relished the time we had with no kitty litter to scoop -- and no daily hairballs to vacuum.

But something was missing.

About two years ago a 4 week old kitten came into our lives. It had been found wandering in someone's backyard. That person brought the kitten in a box to his doctor (a cat lover) and in turn, Buddy came to live with us. A few short months later, while picking up cat food at Pet Smart, the lovely gray kitty you see, Daffodil, left the shelter and joined us. She was just 6 months old.

Neither cat is declawed. For the most part, they live inside. But since we live in a fairly quiet neighborhood, we let our cats be, well, cats.

You're still with me? Bet you are wondering where I am going with this.

Well, I have been reading articles deriding cat owners who let their pets roam outdoors. For example, this article in the New York Times explains how cats are killing machines and they are wiping out the rodent and bird populations. There are 1000 comments and so many of them come from people who are incredibly judgemental. There is a very angry group of people who call those of us who have indoor/outdoor cats "irresponsible."

Both cats are neutered. They visit the vet at least 2x/year -- usually to board if we are away more than a few days. That gives them a chance to been seen by the vet for a quick exam and they get their teeth cleaned or nails clipped or shots or whatever is necessary.

Our felines love to sit outside in the sun -- and often, they like to play in the snow! They sit and the door and beg to go out. And watching them sniff the air and chase after leaves in the wind is delightful.

Do they kill small rodents? Yes. Moles, especially. Birds? Yes, a few are irresistable. But more often than not, they lay in the grass and play with the moths. To our delight, they chase the crows away. And when it's dark out, we shake the treat bag and call their names and they come back in. We do our best to get them in every evening as there are coyotes that roam in the hills nearby -- but there are some hot summer nights where it is just too exciting for them to return. As we make our coffee when the sun rises, a hungry cat will show up for a snack, a head butt, and a long nap.

I think animals, like people, are not designed to live exclusively indoors. I think that life itself is greatly improved by being outside in nature. Would a cat live longer if he didn't have access to a busy road? Sure. Would I be safer if I never left my house? Sure. But what kind of life would that be for either of us?

I know. They are natural born killers. They hunt for fun. But to be honest, I'm glad they keep the moles out of my garden. I am thrilled when they catch a field mouse that has found it's way under my dishwasher. That's what cats do!

I think to taking creatures that are born to roam and locking them behind screen doors is selfish. Whose life is better? Yours or the cats? I'd rather my cat have 8 exciting lives than 10 behind bars. But that's just my opinion. What about yours?

01/28/2013

Good health, bad health -- life and death. This is all part of the human experience.

And when you have a family and close friends, these people have a right to know what is happening in your life. More importantly -- they NEED to be OK with the situation -- whatever it may be, so that YOU can get the help you need to survive as well.

This past September we got a real scare when my husband was diagnosed with Throat Cancer.

Yup, the C word.

We have always been very open and honest with our children and believe that explaining what's happening while it's happening makes things easier to absorb and handle. That doesn't mean lots of scary details, but we never try to hide anything because we know that can make the situation confusing for everyone.

Our children are 10 and 12. The kids knew when their dad went to see his doctor to better understand why he was having a difficult time swallowing after being hit in the neck by a baseball in early September. We told them that there was a lump but additional tests were needed to determine what it was. And when we learned about the diagnosis and the prognosis, we shared that with them, too. Our doctor was kind enough to give us a picture of the tumor and with that, we were able to show them exactly what the doctors had to treat in their dad's throat.

I think that the gradual revelation of what was happening without any dramatic hand-wringing helped them cope with the upset this health condition would bring to their daily lives. We also encouraged them to talk to their friends and cousins and we shared the diagnosis with the staff members at school so that they could be supportive if the kids needed someone to talk with. In other words, we didn't hide anything from them, and we didn't ask them to keep the burden of secrets.

And now that the crisis is over, they know that it will take a good year before their Dad may fully regain his strength, ability to taste and stamina. But things for the most part, are getting back to normal. We all seemed to breathe again the night that he sat down at the dinner table with us and cracked one of his wise jokes!

Everyone has a different approach to sharing news like this with family and friends. I know of one woman who has a very public page in Facebook. She is an inspiration to many, and annoying to others who don't understand why she shares everything. I know of many other wonderful people who chose to keep everyhing private -- even from their children and all but a handful of friends. I don't think anyone can tell anyone else what to do in these situations, but I do believe that when the next shoe drops (and they always do!) we'll likely use the same approach we did this time.

It is my belief that we truly need each other to survive. Countless studies have shown very high correlations between healthy and happy lives with those who maintain a close relationship with family and friends. (For the record, family doesn't have to be blood-related to count in my book.) And the basis of all good relationships is trust, is it not?

By telling your children what is happening to you as it happens, you teach them how to handle a crisis in a calm and proactive way. Despite your best efforts to keep them away from the news, they will sense that something is very wrong. Why not bring them into the discussion, let them know that it is OK to be concerned, it's OK to hope for the best? Our kids learned that nothing is certain, and sometimes, things can take a turn for the worst at a moment's notice. And conversely, if you remain calm and take care of the problem, things can get better.

I'm not a big one on living a life of regrets. I tend to believe we do things we're not always proud of but hopefully, we learn from them and move through life a little wiser. I also believe that we're here to connect but not all connections are necessarily going to last a lifetime and not everyone is healthy to have in your life (for your state of mind.) Sometimes, you have to be cruel to save your sanity.

But while I don't regret things, I do have a recorder in my brain that seems to replay things I've said out of anger -- no matter how many times I try to erase the memory. They range from the purely inappropriate said in complete jest (to my mother-in-law!) to a mean denial (to my dad about the naming of my son.)

I have uttered words that were cruel to lash out at someone when I've felt misunderstood or frankly, fed up. And it's true what they say, once things come out of your mouth -- the ship has sailed. It's hard to bring it back in to port.

I doubt that other people still play those words in their recorders -- my guess is that they've been long forgotten. But I can't help think that I should have been kinder, wiser, smarter -- I should think before I speak.

And you know, there are a few things I've said that have enriched my life -- and no, I can't take them back either. Entirely inappropriate perhaps? Admitting a crush, being a goofy admirer, saying I love you when I wasn't quite sure if the feelings were appropriate much less returned -- those things I don't regret, although I admit to being a little embarrassed by my declarations.

The author talked about how difficult it is to fill the table with interesting people, plan the "right" menus, and deal with guests who don't really know the rules of etiquette. They don't always RSVP, and if they do, it's last minute and via text.

I lived in Manhattan when I was out of college. I was far too broke and unconnected to be part of any social circle that involved the dinner ritual. I would read articles about fancy parties and imagined myself dressing up to the nines (what does that mean anyway?!) and being seated next to good conversationalists in art and business circles. "Well when I was in Cannes..." I'd begin.

Yep.

Instead, I found my life partner and he and I moved out of our city apartments, had a year lay over in Hoboken and eventually wound up in Old Greenwich, CT. A completely different fantasy filled my head. I saw the 30 somethings from Wall St -- blond women with tow headed children on the beach at the point -- husbands coming home off the train. And for a while, I imagined myself in that role -- throwing the annual Christmas parties or having a masked ball.

All along, I had a job. I actually had several. I was never a socialite, and I worked in an office until I formed my consulting practice a few years before we had our kids. Poof! The fantasy of fancy dinners disappeared.

When we moved "upstate" (actually Central New York) we knew a handful of people. Most of us had young children. We also enjoyed adult company. And through a desire to do both -- have our limited time filled with our kids, keep expensive babysitters and evenings out to a treat -- we started having dinner parties.

These were not fancy affairs, but they were culinary adventures. We've had lots of theme nights -- soup, salads, barbeque, Japanese, takeout Thai, meals on sticks, freshly caught wild game -- you name it, we'd do it. Everyone would bring something and we'd eat together and share stories of job hunting, health, politics, religion, sex, caring for aging parents, and raising children.

And when dinner was done, we played Texas Hold'em. In the beginning, when the kids were really young, we'd put them to sleep and stay up talking and drinking and playing until 2:00am. As the years progressed and early weekend sports became the norm, we've found that we need to end things by 10:30 or 11:00 so everyone can get home and sleep before the next morning.

Breaking bread together has been a very significant part of my social life. My kids have learned how important it is to welcome people into your life, into your home and to be kind. We've had nights with upwards of 12 kids running around while we adults were crowded around a table, laughing, and forming inside jokes that will last for years (Lenny Kravitz!) Some friends have been staples around the table, and we've had a few move on -- some literally -- to other countries! I wish it were possible to do more than 4 couples at at time. It gets a bit unweildy when there are more -- but sometimes we do it anyway.

One of the interesting things is how much you can tell about people when you play a game that is social and yet cerebral with other couples. People who are too competitive or nit-picking their spouses just don't make it back. We have a lot of mutual respect and admiration for the people around our table and always bring in new couples or singles who are easy-going and interesting -- but to be honest, I've invited people just because I'd like to get to know them. Funny thing, as the kids have more activities on the weekends, we've had a difficult time coordinating our dinners. And we've discovered that or kids miss them as much as we do.

I wouldn't trade our weekend gatherings -- as simple as they are - for a million NYC dinner parties. Would you?

11/29/2012

Limbo is that place, that state of mind that is neither here nor there. It just is. And you have to live in the moment, no matter how uncertain it is, to move on through it onto the next stage. There are no shortcuts.

We've been in a strange state of limbo since early September when my husband was hit in the neck by a baseball. (More on that story in an upcoming post.) We learned that he had a big tumor on the way back of his tongue -- stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma. Yup, cancer.

His particular tumor, while requiring a heavy treatment plan, actually has a great prognosis. With this type of cancer, they don't talk about remission, they use the word cure. That's big. That's hopeful.

So on one hand, you have a really crappy diagnosis - cancer. And a brutal, sustained treatment plan. (7 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week -- plus chemo each week. Then several weeks to start to heal and in a few months you get your taste buds back and hopefully aren't too destroyed by the side effects of the poison used to treat you.) Yet the ultimate outcome -- the prognosis, is fantastic. Meaning -- if you're going to get a serious cancer -- this is one that you have an excellent chance of surviving.

As we share the details of this adventure with friends and family -- we often talk about how people really pull together when things are terribly wrong. And it's true -- this is a crisis. When you're relatively young, busy and active, and you are stopped dead in your tracks because of a major health issue -- it is just wrong!

Funny thing though -- in this case, things are "terribly right." What I guess I mean is that yes, they are terrible, but in the scheme of things 3 months of hell for a cure is not a bad thing. On a day to day basis, we just hang in there and do what we have to do. And honestly, what would anyone do? You accept your fate and you deal with it head on so that you can move forward.

Suffice it to say that if you lose your ability to swallow and if water feels like jet fuel going down your throat, you're going to be miserable. As the cancerous tumor and surrounding tissues are damaged, they constantly slough off and the phlegm is thick and pasty and it is incredibly difficult to breathe when it builds up to the point where you have to violently expel it. He's not sleeping much, and honestly, neither am I. And as a wife, and advocate, as well as a mother and best friend -- my heart aches and I'm damned tired. But truth be told, you could tell me it would take 6 months, or a year, or longer, and knowing that this treatment is saving his life means that in the end, no matter how bleak things are in the short term, the long term is going to be all right.

And he has excellent care. And we have great doctors and nurses, friends and family, everyone available on call as needed. And good insurance. And each other. And a sense of humor. And great kids. And -- well -- see how this goes? It's hellish, but it's OK. It's not terribly wrong, it's just terribly right.

I've been posting a lot of personal things lately, as life has thrown us a few curves and we're bending and stretching to hit them all out of the park anyway. I mean, what else are you going to do? Hide in your closet and wait for the storm to pass?

Since I like to write about things I know intimately, I wonder, is it all TMI? How much sharing is too much? Am I turning into one of those people who cross the line so far that people are secretly saying I wish she'd shut up? Who the heck wants to read my ramblings anyway?

I shared my concerns with an old friend who doesn't bullshit me. In response, my friend Bryan sent me this TED Talk, given by Brene Brown about the power of vulnerabilty. Seems like she's done an awful lot of research about what makes us who we are. In this talk she takes us through her experience as a qualitative researcher and storyteller (oh, how I could identify there!) and how much she likes to quantify even the messy stuff in life. One of the major discoveries she made is that the very act of putting yourself out there takes a lot of courage. And being able to embrace the uncertainty -- the very thing that researchers try to avoid -- measuring things without a definite, definable, measurable and repeatable outcome -- is the secret to be connected to others, and by extension, happiness.

Let me say that again.

Being able to take chances in life, not knowing the outcome of your actions, is the key to joy and a full life. And that's what vulnerability really is. It is allowing yourself the permission to put it out there -- to try new things, to discuss tough subjects, to share the truth even when it isn't pretty or flattering -- that is the secret to life.

Whew! Isn't that powerful? Take a look at the video and tell me if you agree with Brene.

11/26/2012

"Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and other is gold."

The rule is pretty simple -- go make shiny new friends -- but your longer term, old friends are like gold, always hold on to them.

While old friends certainly can feel comfortable like your favorite pair of slippers, there is something to be said for bringing new people into your life. Like shoes, a new pair is important now and then as different footwear is good for different terrain.

I have young children, and I have met many other wonderful men and women who have become "framily" to us. We live far from my sisters and my husband's brothers and so these are the people who have become part of our daily lives. We celebrate birthdays together, we vacation together, we help each other through rough patches. We cheer for each other's kids at soccer and baseball, we cry when we hear about divorces or illness. No, new friends don't have the history that our old friends share, but we are creating our new shared memories together, now. We live in the present, not in the past. Many of these friends have become as dear as our old friends and have quickly become people with whom I have no doubt that we'll know long into our gray hair days.

We've been dealing with some serious health issues in our home. Our family came up as soon as they heard (traveling 500+ miles from points south) -- but they can only do so much from afar. So, we've had to rely on our friends to provide practical support (rides, childcare) as well as emotional support (often including wine!) One of my old friends took an entire week of meals upon herself -- (filled my freezer, full!) and another paid her cleaning people to come get my house in order. That's old friends for you. (Go big or go home!)

Friends bring color into your life!

I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it was to have our newer friends set up a MealTrain to feed us over these past few several weeks. And the most amazing part is how many people signed up to help us. Many people we knew socially, but they were not close friends. It's not like we actually need to be fed each day. At first, I resisted the idea. But as the weeks have gone on, I have discovered that there is nothing more nurturing than people who care who want to do something. A meal is something so basic -- but we have to eat. Helping nourish someone else, especially when there's nothing else you can really "do" takes on a greater meaning than usual.

No matter where I go, people are always offering help. And they call daily, they laugh and they cry with us. These people go beyond friends -- they've turned into what I like to call "framily." While some say blood is thicker than water, you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends -- and they can choose you.

And then, there is an entirely different group of people that I have been talking with for what seems like years online, but we've yet to meet in real life. Yet I feel like I know them well and they me, too. I have no doubt that when we finally see each other, we'll embrace and settle in comfortably. These new friends bring new experiences, new stories, new ways of looking at things. They offer their friendship without strings attached. We just wind up being there for each other, connecting, providing comfort and advice not from a feeling of obligation but rather by choice.

Friends are the glue that keep us together. Whether old or new, the truth is that you have to be willing to receive help when it is offered, and you have to be able to give help when it is needed. True friendship is a balance of vulnerability. We don't want to always admit it when we need help, and often we don't want to request it or take it when it is offered. But in order to have friends, you have be a friend. And you have to forget about the "tit for tat" notion. People give freely without expecting anything in return. And a good friend knows when to give freely and when to be open to receive.

11/25/2012

I have a lot of "old friends." Yes, many of them are up in years, but that's not what I mean, silly.

I am still in touch with people I have known from the beginning of my life, at least as much as I can remember. I play Words With Friends with my friend Meg who I have known since kindergarten and even though she moved away in 4th grade, I still can remember her expressions as if I were still 10, too! I can't wait to spend some time IRL (in real life) having dinner or a girls weekend someday. I've never met her husband or kids nor she mine, but I follow along with her Facebook postings and love that she is still part of my life after all these years. For some reason, I just *know* that we will have a good time when we meet.

Robin and I have been friends since the first day of high school. We've shared lots of life events -- first crushes, boys and mint chocolate chip kisses, falling in love, having babies, the death of our parents and more through the years. Back in the day when we used tape for phone messages, she and I would use it all up, leaving each other 1/2 hour long messages!

Megan I met after college in NYC -- an unlikely friendship formed as we were both roomates of an absent roomate -- and we wound up both leaving that NYC apartment and getting a place of our own. (Basement of a house in Weehawken. We had a particularly memorable experience when it flooded from a nasty storm one year.) She and I have more belly laughs, challenges of intellect (Megan is an Excel pro), dreams of getting our business off the ground (and dealing with conmen and crazy personalities) and she fixed me up with my husband to boot!

I spent a few escapist hours yesterday with my friend Kathy who I met when I was just 19. We shared the summer together when we both signed up for a semester in France. Ah, to be young in Paris in 1984. 13 francs to the dollar if I recall correctly. We had a few weeks in Paris, then time in St. Malo, and then we spent the last few just traveling along the Riviera -- without a care in the world. Those memories will always be part of my vision of Kathy. Through the years, we've camped together, we've had children, we've survived illnesses, and I've watched mental illness take her sweet, brilliant husband away from her and change both of their lives, forever.

I could name everyone, make a list -- "mark" it up with details. But I can't summarize how important these people are to me and who I am today. They make me whole.

There is something that only 20+ years of knowing a person can do for you. Kind of puts everything into perspective. You don't need to repeat all the background stories, they just get it. They know who you are and they still love you. And you, them.

My dad told me that I was lucky if I had one best friend in the world. He died at 72 in 2006 and his best friend, Joe, died this past September. After my dad passed, I talked with Joe on the phone several times. It was like talking with my dad. He had that same calm voice, that wry sense of humor, incredible intelligence, charm, and wit, and great advice. They were friends for 40+ years. And man, did they share some crazy life changes through those years.

Do you keep in touch with your old friends? Do you tell them how much they mean to you? Time flies -- slow it down a bit and make sure to reach out. It's good for you, it's good for them, too.

Next post -- love the one you're with. :) (It's important to make new friends, too.)

11/23/2012

Posting and blogging and tweeting and instagramming. What do these things all have in common? Instant gratification!

I believe the briliance of the social media is the ability to post spontaneously. And like so much in life these days, the old rules aren't necessarily helpful when you are just jumping in. It's not that grammar or structure are no longer important, but rather, the idea that you have to polish your text or photoshop your your blemishes on your photos before posting is very old school.

Truth be told, social media is just life real life. Most people feel more comfortable with those who are willing to relax a bit and let their guard down when meeting others. I know this to be true -- my closest girlfriends are those whose homes aren't picked up each time I visit. (I can assure you, neither is mine!) And we all go out without makeup or our hair done -- and often meet for that first cup of coffee in our pjs. The truth is, we're ourselves no matter what the situation is. And in our real lives, sometimes, hell, most of the time, things are definitely NOT perfect. Showing up with your guard down goes very far in having genuine relationships.

It's great to have a clean house, and I love feeling polished -- but the point is that you don't have to be that way all the time and in fact, if you are, you can have the opposite effect on people than intended! Hard to believe, but its those flaws that make us who we are.

As for getting online -- I think the trick to posting is to share what you know and be open to differing opinions. And if you are going to post something controversial (anything political, religious or sexual in nature) then you should expect to attract people who are going to see it another way. That doesn't mean that you have to avoid this issues, but think before you post something that is absolute. Keeping the door open to discussion allows real conversations, real learning.

I think the worst thing is to allow your sense of perfection to ruin your opportunity to start whatever it is you have an urge to do or say. One of my favorite quotes ever? The one that I clipped out of a booklet when I was about 13 or 14 and have had with me (now tattered and torn) since then?

This video reminds me of one of my all time favorite songs -- the Dave Matthews song -- Everyday. The video has a guy just walking around NYC asking people for hugs. The reactions from people are priceless. I remember when this first came out. I would play it in the car with the kids as I drove them around. We had hand motions to go with the words. "Pick me up love, from the bottom, up to the top, love, everyday."

There's something so pure and simple about the universal desire to make a connection and feel loved. It's not that complicated. It's not easy to make yourself vulnerable, as you just never know what someone is going to say when you share your admiration for him.

You know what's interesting? Soul Pancake quoted research that states that people feel better giving compliments as opposed to getting them. Funny how that works, eh? You actually get more when you give than when you receive.

Take today to tell someone how you feel. Really feel. It will do you a world of good. And you just might be surprised what they say back to you.

We are connected to each other in ways that we can't explain. But somehow or another, the right people fall into your life just when you need them -- or they need you. Don't let precious time slip away, say what you have to say.

11/22/2012

We decided to do something completely different for the Thanksgiving holiday this time.

Instead of spending the 4 day break together with my sisters and their families -- this year, my husband and I needed to stay close to home. My sister offered to host our children -- as it had been a while since all the cousins had seen each other for any length of time. They were long overdue.

So, I got up at 5:00 and we were on the road by 5:45 headed down to Allentown, PA where my one sister's inlaws live. They were kind enough to agree to take my kids with them down to Virginia, sparing me a 6 1/2 hour drive all the way down and another 6 and who knows how many back home to Syracuse with the crazy holiday traffic.

We stopped for coffee before the sun rose and connected to my iPod so that we could listen to Radio Lab together. (If you're not familiar with this award-winning series of podcasts -- do yourself a favor. Your children will be as mezmerized by the delightful audio presentation as you are and you'll be astonished how much you remember after your ride.)

We listened to one "short" (about genius -- is it just raw talent, or is it the love and obsession that makes you good at what you do?) Then my daughter who was sitting in the backseat took my iPad out and started a game of Hang Man with us. "Can you read that back, Jules?" "N, A, E. " "No, I mean could you read it back and use the word "blank" when we're missing a letter?" I begged her. Let it be known that blind hangman is difficult to play. Without being able to visualize where the letters were fitting much less remember which letters we already tried -- we failed miserably and wanted to move on to something else, actually anything.

As I went to change the station to something other than the Disney Channel (a mom can take only so much pop) I said to no one in particular "When I was YOUR age..." (Collective groan.) "Well... on our trips in our station wagon, we played a word game called Mad Libs." My son, John-Luke, a boy who takes after his mother when it comes to all things technology, immediately whipped out his phone and searched for an app -- surely there must be one for THAT! And just like that, we were in business.

Driving 3 1/2 hours in the early morning hours with a 9 and 12 year old can be intolerable if they're not sleeping or entertained, but I'll tell you, that last hour and a half was an absolute blast. The kids took turns picking out stories and asking for nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs. We started out meekly -- using colors, and simple descriptive words. But as we got rolling, they got creative! We tried not to reuse words and we came up with silly nicknames for each other when the game called for a person's name. There was more than one time that I laughed so hard that I nearly had to pull the car over to gain control!

I was actually a bit sad when I had to turn around and head back home by myself.

Yeah, yeah, we're all in the mood to write grand posts of thanks -- and surely, I have lots to be grateful for. However, in the spirit of the great contrarian, I share 7 things that get my goat this time of year...

Black Thursday Evening. -- What the heck? Why can't people stay home and off the roads just one day a year? Do we always have to buy, buy, buy? I am proud to say that I have never shopped on Black Friday and have no intention of fighting crowds at Walmart. Ever.

Christmas songs on the radio -- I kid you not, one of our local stations started playing Christmas music the day after Halloween. By the time the 25th of December rolls around, no wonder grandma gets run over by a reindeer! In fact, I think think I might just throw myself in front of a reindeer to get a pair of those Christmas Shoes (If Mama Meets Jesus Tonight!)

Traffic -- Anyone ever try to take Route 95 anywhere along the Eastern states during the holiday season? What is already a mess is even worse with overstuffed revellers and frantic seasonal shoppers!

Dry Skin -- Yes, admit it. This time of year we're all inside more often than not, and the heat is on. That means flaky skin. Loofahs and a good moisturizer and you'll look and feel better!

Unseasonably Warm Weather - For some reason, we're still getting dry skin even though the weather seems to fluctuate between tropical and freezing this time of year. That means that any flu or cold germ that we meet feels like we are perfect hosts. Plus, the ticks are still alive. Nothing worse than picking out a tick from your cat's fur in late November in Syracuse.

Post Election Talking Heads - The election was over weeks ago. And yet they are still dissecting why the other guy won. Get over it. Move on. Talk about the economy. The one that has to improve so that we can all afford to pay our credit card bills come January.

Holiday Advice in Fashion Magazines - So this may sound petty, but I'm tired of all the seasonal advice. My lastest Fashion Mag of the Month has 31 different hairstyles, clothes and makeup for all the upcoming parties for all the days in December! I don't think I've ever been invited to 31 parties this time of year much less attended that many. And I know I'm not alone! Stop it, you're giving me a complex! And I'm equally sick of seeing gift ideas that start at $1500 on up for "your best friend." Unless this is targeted to Hollywood starlets, Wall St. wives and Oprah -- let's be a little more realistic, shall we?

Whew!

PS

I am grateful for an amazing group of friends and family. And especially for those who are too far away to see regularly. Thanksgiving is a time for reflection -- and not just the one in the mirror! With wine glass raised, I wish all a Happy Thanksgiving.

11/20/2012

He's not one for the fanfare that often accompanies the milestone years, or so he says.

Today marks his "big five-oh." As a longtime friend who I've known for more than 30 years, I can understand his reluctance to make a big fuss. After all, it is just a number.

I spent years not really thinking much about the day that marked each passing year, too. While many people I knew made sure to take off their day from work and plan big gatherings, I spent my early years working on not only my birthday, but on many other holidays.

In my radio days, it was fun to get a shift on a day when you could spin Christmas tunes all day and get paid extra for it. Retail jobs also offered extra pay for holiday shifts. I suppose the fact that my family wasn't really into big parties or celebrations played a roll as well. I can't ever remember having a party as a child. And with my day firmly sandwiched between Christmas and New Year's it was never a good time to get people together -- as everyone was out of town with family or on vacation.

As I got older, the big years started to stand out in a very meaningful way. I can clearly remember the who, the where and what of my 20th, 30th and 40th birthdays. (My 38th was spent in labor, so that's pretty memorable as well!) Having children also put the focus on the day, too. What child doesn't look forward to that special day where the party is centered on something that happened to him without any effort at all? As the years have progressed, I have gone from barely acknowledging the day -- to finding the joy in reaching yet another significant milestone and celebrating with friends and family.

I've never shied away from the number, that's for certain. I can't imagine why anyone would to be honest. The alternative to a new number is, well, bluntly put -- DEATH! And if you think of it that way, you can look at each passing year as a major accomplishment. Each year adds a new lustrous coat of sheen to that pearl that is you. The more you learn and share, the more valuable you become. Why try to shave off numbers when your experiences are so much a part of who you are?

Fifty is a good milestone, indeed. I'm not quite there yet, but I am happy to celebrate the many years my friend has lived and wish him many more good ones in the future.

A birthday gives you a chance to think back on all you have accomplished -- or not -- and celebrate the fact that you got through another one. Hoping that you can enjoy your day -- and can celebrate your milestone any way you feel appropriate -- because YOLO -- you only live once!

11/11/2012

We all have masks. Even the most transparent of us, those who wear our hearts on our sleeves, can find ourselves in a position where the truth is not appropriate to share. Sometimes, it is a conscious effort, this mask we put on. Telling people that you are just fine can relieve you from the awkwardness that happens when you trust them with your real thoughts.

But what if maybe you're not that upset? Or maybe you are too angry for words? Maybe you just don't feel anything at all. Sometimes, I think by not sharing something, you are sharing too much. If you're too quiet, people make up their own stories to explain your actions or lack thereof.

My mom has been bipolar ever since I can remember. She is also a hoarder. Both of these things were undiagnosed until about 12 years ago when things finally came to a head. She was always very cheerful and energetic when we were out and about at school and activities. People thought she was charming. But back at home, it was a house of cards.

My childhood was spent keeping secrets. We were never allowed to have friends visit our house. I think the only relatives ever let in were my aunt and cousin who had similar issues with keeping more than they could handle.

My sisters and I became very good at making up stories. (OK, lying.)

We were always instructed to tell people that my mother was ill (which ironically was the truth -- it wasn't as much physical as it was mental) and therefore we couldn't have visitors. That wasn't really the whole story. Only a few very close friends were privy to my mother's manic outbursts and the living conditions in our house. It was simply much easier and less embarrassing to lie to everyone else.

All during my childhood, my sisters and I would try to fix things. I remember always dreaming about winning the lottery and spending all on fixing up our house. In the beginning, my aunts would tell us to listen to our mother and help her out. We did. We'd throw out trash and she'd bring it right back in the house! It took many years of banging my head against the wall to realize that you cannot and will not -- never ever -- change anyone. Change must come from within. If you don't want to recognize there is a problem, you will never get out from under its trap.

I left after college and never, ever, contemplated a move home again despite my mother's pleas to come home and "pay rent." I felt a great deal of freedom in my tiniest of apartments where people could visit any time without any shame or excuses.

As crazy as this sounds, I think that the funny part is how I learned so much about how NOT to be from watching my parents. I loved them dearly, but I didn't like them very much. I should be clear -- they were both very intelligent, funny, and caring people. They gave us a roof over our heads, they paid for our education, they took us on vacations, they did what they thought was best to raise us to be fine young ladies. Unfortunately, they had some serious monsters that they couldn't tame on their own. All of those wonderful things they did will always be clouded by my memories of their instability, anger and insanity. I would argue with them and try to talk some sense into them -- and my mom would try to end the argument by screaming that I OWED her respect. The more she did that, the more I came to the conclusion that anyone can birth a kid -- respect is earned through your actions during the toughest of times, especially if it involves exposing yourself to kill your demons.

I think one of the biggest lessons I took away from my childhood is that if you can identify a problem, you have to try to fix it. Ignoring it will not make it go away, it will only make it get worse. This is particularly true with health problems.

You could look great on the outside but your body and mind may be ill. This affects how you see other people, how you treat them, and it shapes your family dynamic.

You can't keep a mask completely on and pretend that you're OK with things that aren't OK. My dad did that for years and he died not fully realizing how much we loved him despite the fact that he enabled my mother but not forcing her to get treatment. He did no one any favors by accepting her as she was. Now that she's medicated -- we can see the person he fell in love with years ago.

If you pretend everything is OK on the outside and bring your hell home to your family, your mask will eventually crack. My mother had two switches. Either everyone was to blame for everything in her life -- or everything was fine and dandy because she believed in the Lord. We never knew which mask she was going to wear -- would she be praising us or cursing us? Eventually, her positive mask broke and it was impossible for her to pretend that she was fine.

We've been dealing with some serious health issues in our household. I realize that I don't want to wear a mask, but sometimes, I just can't express how things are. It's not like I'm deliberately holding back -- lord knows, I'm one to share. (Hopefully not TMI!) But sometimes, things look good on the outside but in reality are pretty shaky in the inner circle. Other times, they look worse than they really are. I feel great most of the time. However, there are times when stress causes me to buckle. I don't look sick, and yet sometimes I am. I certainly don't want people to view me as incapable of doing anything.

People say that I'm a really positive person. I wonder if I really am, or if I'm just lying to myself. I don't want to be a constant complainer yet I don't want to pretend everything is OK when it isn't. And you know that it's true -- we all have issues -- and there is always someone who has it better or worse than you do when you make the inevitable comparison.

I can only hope that I am sharing in a way that shows empathy for those also experiencing trying times. And that by being careful with my masks, only taking them out when really appropriate for the audience.

11/09/2012

I have a ton of acquaintances -- but my true friends are people with whom time and space doesn't matter. There are a few who I talk to almost daily -- several others who make it a point to check in once or twice a week. And then those whose lives are so busy (as is mine) that weeks if not months can go by without a chirp.

What I think I love most about tweeting and email and blogging and Facebook is that I can still keep up with those I care about, and they, me.

My cousins and sisters read practically everything I write. How do I know? Once every few weeks when we chat they ask me about everything. I am often a little in the dark as they don't choose to post as much as they like to LURK! But even so, with my trusty phone beside me, I can easily text message or post a quick note to anyone practically anytime. And there is nothing like a "hello, thinking of you" to make your day.

We invest in relationships that mean the most to us. You can tell when you're no longer important when you completely drop off the radar. Don't make that fatal mistake and lose people you care about.

11/07/2012

I write a post about the importance of getting 8 hours of sweet shuteye and what happens? I have one of the worst nights of sleep in weeks!

Was in bed by 10-ish but couldn't sleep to save my life. Could have been the election coverage. I don't normally try to sleep with the TV on and last night was no exception. I was watching the big screen with one eye -- the other was focused on my little screen as I attempted to catch up with reading. At some point, we both realized that staying up wasn't going to change the morning's results and with a click, we turned it off.

While we shut the lights out I couldn't stop thinking. Funny thing, I can't remember what the heck was so important last night -- but trust me, whatever it was -- I kept turning it around and around in my head and it kept me up.

I think I was down by midnight -- but something startled me at 3:00am. The half-awake, no lights on bathroom path is well-established and luckily, after my "I'm over 40" trip, I was back in my bed before I had a chance to think about it. No sooner had I snuggled up to George Clooney on some beach, somewhere -- my eyes fluttered open! I thought it was an angel but after my eyes refocused from bright light I realized that my daughter was standing at the foot of my bed. A glance at the clock? 5:00 am! My right arm automatically stretched across the bed. Pat, pat, pat, pat -- nothing there. Husband was in the bathroom. I can't pass this one off, I thought.

I know this won't win me any mother of the year awards, but it's the truth. I asked my girl what was wrong, she replied "tummy ache." I think I mumbled something about throwing up and she dismissed it. And like that, sensing that this wasn't really that urgent, I told her to get a blanket and sleep in my big comfy chair.

Head finally positioned right, I felt myself drifting again. Just as I was about to sink back into sleep I heard rustling. It was my husband walking down the hallway, then downstairs, opening doors. He came out of the bathroom, noticed the light on in our daughter's room. He didn't see her in her bed, clearly missed her in the darkness of our room, and was searching the house for her!!! As much as it pained me, I got out of bed, reluctantly, stumbled downstairs and provided her whereabouts and health condition.

At this point, any chance for real deep sleep was as likely as poor A-Rod hitting a ball this past season! The spell was broken, my mojo - gone. Or so I thought. I laid down yet again.

At 7:30 my son was shaking me -- he needed a ride to school.

And just like that, my night was over. My sleep, as elusive as ever. My mood was only lifted by the smell of coffee.

11/06/2012

There's nothing like a life-changing health scare to make you stop and think. Your "woulda-coulda-shouldas" are your regrets -- and the things you have accomplished -- are those memories you savor. When you are alone with your thoughts do you want to be marinating in your excuses or celebrating your braveness?

Not everyone just leaps in to new adventures with both feet forward -- for various reasons. Sometimes people have a real fear of failure. Others are living behind a curtain of lies, a web of deceit that even they aren't fully cognizant of, and don't want to be discovered for who they really are. Still others are paralyzed by the very thought of imperfection. Whatever your reason -- it's not enough to pull yourself out of the game. Only you are capable of benching yourself. Is that how you want to remember your life? As the "he had such potential" guy?

Life is too precious and too short to constantly put off to tomorrow what you could do today. Especially the simple things.

Consider this when you are thinking about trying something new. What's the worst thing that could happen? The absolute worst? Unless death, dismemberment or incarceration is at the end of your thought train -- NOTHING should stop you from trying something new.

Fortunately, I learned this lesson early on. Whether it was food or a career choice, a part in a play or a sport -- I've always been encouraged to just try. I have come to believe that the biggest part of living a good life is just showing up and being present.

I remember being just out of school and I wanting desparately to buy a used car. I was barely covering my rent and I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to afford the payments and insurance. My boss at the time, Ann, helped me think through the worst of the worst scenarios. We agreed that if I was in a pickle I might be able to borrow a payment from my dad. If that wasn't an option I could get a third job. And then we finally concluded -- I could always sell the car if I really couldn't find a way to make the payment. ($179/month!!!) I went from agonizing over my decision to enjoying my new found freedom with my purchase. And having the car put me in a position to take a new part time job that paid more per hour than my 9-5! Things all worked out.

Just a few days ago, I thought -- I'm not really a blogger. I truly enjoy writing, but what could I possibly come up with that would be worth reading for 30 consecutive days? I'm busy! I'm not working on anything interesting to share... And then I stepped back and looked deeply in the mirror and thought, "Well, why the heck not?" The worst that could happen is that I'd stop writing and withdraw from the group of colleagues who are also participating in Oscar Gonzalez's 30 Day Blogging Challenge. If that was the worst, then the best was yet to come.

If you're sitting on the fence, wondering if you should do something -- take my Worst Case Scenario test. Then "carpe diem," "just do it," -- NOW!

11/05/2012

Oh! I hate when I'm deep in the middle of a great escapist adventure and then *BOOM* I drop out of the sky back into my bed and I'm jolted wide awake!

This happens to you, too, right?

Some people suggest that it's good to get up and read or write down whatever is on your mind. That can help people retain those brilliant ideas that seem to eviscerate the moment the sun comes up.

I suppose that would work if I could think clearly.

I find that when I wake, my heart is often pounding and my mind is racing as it breaches the delicate surface of my dreamscape. I struggle to determine if I'm dreaming, imagining or just experiencing whatever it is that has my mind wrapped ever so tightly. If I try to get up and write down what I've been seeing then I break the spell: I simply can't get back to sleep. It's as if once those wheels start turning, they are forced to keep turning!

I'm not sure what's worse -- being wide away, staring up at the ceiling waiting for that moment where eyelids flutter and I'm back in my dream world OR -- being very sleepy -- but too damned tired to go back to sleep.

I think the latter can be worse because I know without those 8 hours of "beauty rest" I get the early afternoon blahs. And with that in mind, after I fuss a bit, I force myself to go back to sleep so that the rest of my day can be productive.

It's amazing to me that we really don't know much about why we sleep or what really happens to us when we sleep. It takes up between 1/4 and 1/3 or our lives -- and yet we still don't have a clue why our bodies need a span of time to rejuvinate us. Sleep deprivation is absolutely a form of torture -- as all new parents know. All I am sure of is that I can't function during the waking hours unless I get into what I call "my deep freeze." For me, that's not just resting. It's more of a restorative coma (for lack of a better descriptive word) that allows me to wake feeling rested and with energy to attack my day.

One of my favorite pieces on the subject of sleep -- and as a frequent traveler --why we can't sleep well on the first night in a new place, then you MUST listen to one of my favorite RadioLab podcasts. It will change the way you think about the thing you do every night -- sleep.

11/02/2012

Life can suck itself out of you just by dropping a big, old bombshell when you are least prepared for it.

Funny thing? No one -- not one single person -- escapes unscathed. We are all thrown for a loop when we get unexpected health news, we lose our jobs, our lovers or significant others leave us, or there is a sudden death in the family. Often, the situations we find ourselves in are results of choices we've made, other times, we find that we are at the mercy of forces beyond our control.

Much has been written about having a positive attitude in life, that the thoughts you think -- become the life you live.

I have developed the modus operandi of a realistic optimist. I don't think that just because I am a believer that anything can happen -- but I do feel that a realistic analysis of the situation combined with a willingness to try (almost) anything at least once -- will make my life more fulfilling. That is, I believe that being positive helps you reach your goals -- but you need to be realistic about what you can accomplish.

Attitude is especially important during those times when we're in crisis. It is how you react to the news, how you analyze its real effect on you, how you feel, and ultimately what you do with those feelings that separate people who are victims, those who are survivers, and those who I call "surthrivers."

Victims focus all their attention on what happened to them. They dwell on external causes and often use their situation as an excuse to avoid being present. What they don't realize is that most of the time, others' actions have nothing to do with them. By focusing on external causes to their misery, they give up the power to live their best lives.

Survivors are people who keep focused on getting through. They are determined to deal with the situation. Survivors are present because they need to return to a situation of normalcy, even if it is a "new" normal. Survivors know that they can't make everyone happy, they can only focus on making themselves happy given their situation.

When you think about who you most admire, are they victims? Are they survivors? Or are you most inspired by those who take tragedy and work with it to become bigger than their circumstances dictate?

"Surthrivers" are people who take what life hands them and not only deal with the situation, but find a way to thrive -- to grow stronger -- because of what they have survived. Surthrivers make their mark in the world by combining a realistic, hopeful attitude with one of graciousness and wonder. Things don't always go their way, but they play whatever hand they are given. Sometimes they win, sometimes they lose. Their joy is derived from simply playing the game.

I am saddened to hear about all the people who have been forever affected by Hurricane Sandy. I know that many have lost homes, businesses and people they loved. It is a horrific situation and it will take many months for people to be able to wake up without feeling the heavy burden of the disaster.

Their will be many victims who will focus on everything they lost. They will be crushed because material things are missing from their lives.There will be many survivors -- those who will be sad but will turn that sadness into action. They will get through this and they will return to their lives, changed as they are. And there will be a few surthrivers -- those who will go on, inspired by the hell they lived through and will come out of this with a new way to help storm victims or save beaches. They will learn from this experience and grow from it.

No matter what you are going through, think of how you can use your pain to get you not only to the other side, but to a better you.