Here. Here am I in my entirety, the fullness of my contradiction in my body entirely, the beauty of affliction in my members for what seems like an eternity. What about me and my affliction causes me to call it beauty? I am an enigma to the worlds society; condemned by one, redeemed by another. Through the hail and the storm my body pushes on, not of its own accord but because of what my hope is leant on. I am not my own yet here am I, The Wayward Dancer. Here am I with this sinful cancer, it breathes, it bleeds, it spreads, but only when my eyes are on its master. To turn from my afflicted norm, to deny myself and push through the storm… is what some call suicide, to coincide with the reasoning of flesh and desires of a dead man gone.

But this I will decide. Each and every day of my last and never longing breath, to pick up my past and cast it aside for it is trash – it is the dead man. What I have done and where I have gone does not effect the transgression that is my beautiful affliction. And now to give answer to my self proclaimed title and to my Hope that does not tarry nor wander as my soul might search the sea and it’s ever desiring depths.

I am a man living not of my own accord. A will I have, but have laid it down, this I did today, just this past Morn. Yet again I shall choose, and yet again shall I deny my flesh so that I do not succumb to the numb that eats away. I shall put off self and be clothed in light. I shall walk the treacherous path and with feet soaked in blood I will walk. My road is not an easy one and though I look like one with a debt to death and suicide, I am not and I have none. No debt except to the One who lived and died and rose again.

I am not my own save the day I choose to be. I have surrendered all but my name to Thee who died for me. “He Giveth and He Taketh away.” Or so some say. Yet, are not all His to give and to take as He pleases? A sense of entitlement is quickly squashed as one wanders further down this track of enquirement.

As I meander, as I stride, as I climb, as I suffer, as I run, as I walk, as I scream and yell and tear my way through this dream that breathes in glory inspired by love, I find myself in a place of anxiousness and peace.

Peace because I know this universal expanse is not at my disposal to command or dictate, so my fate is safe not with me but my Lover. And anxious because I am finite and know not always whether I should have turned to the left when I turned to the right or if I should have turned to the right when I turned to the left.

My heart aches but it is being restored. I am new, I am whole. I am noone’s but only one does truly know me.

Strip it all away, what do you find?
Strip the praises of men
Strip the fame
Strip the talent
Strip the beauty
Strip the money
Strip the charm
Underneath it all
Underneath the seen and the external
What do you find?

There is a place of oneness and intimacy where the desires of His heart and the desires of our heart are one and the same. The heart surrendered to Jesus need not be afraid of its desires. It is true that our hearts can be deceitful, but it is also true that in His presence, falsehood will flee. He is quick to remove the desires that are not from Him as well as strengthen those that ARE of Him. He is not a God of confusion, and He is not someone who plays games with our hearts. If you cannot get something off your heart, and it only gets louder and louder in His presence, it is probably His voice. False desires are quick to fade, but desires that are good and of the Lord will not be so easily shaken. Time and time again these desires will resound in your heart, and you need not be afraid of them. Know that it is a prophetic invitation from Him : “Ask what you desire and it shall be done for you, because it too is what I desire.”

We can be sure that if He places a desire in our hearts, He will surely cause it to come to pass – hinging on one condition. Ask.

This week I am diving deep into the Song of Solomon. I love seeing the heart of God revealed between the two lovers.

I once asked myself, “Why romance? Why marriage? Why is it necessary?” I’ve since realized my answer. Romance is part of a bigger tapestry. It reveals a glimpse of the bigger love story we are caught up in, one that shouts all across the universe, and one sometimes so incomprehensible that we cannot understand it unless it is revealed to us in the more obvious details of everyday life. And that is where romance and relationship comes in. The heart of it all is the same. Human love reflects divine love. The heart’s response to affection reflects the design that we were created for a bigger love. How a man pursues reveals how God pursues. How a woman’s beauty captivates reveals the nature of His beauty to draw us in. Sacrifice and compromise and fighting for love reveal to us the underlying undying nature of perfected love – a love that lasts. Perhaps romance and, eventually, mature love, is the greatest gift He gives to us to help us understand His love for us – and to understand how we are to respond to such a love.

Who can understand his errors? Cleanse me from secret faults. Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous sins; Let them not have dominion over me. Then I shall be blameless, And I shall be innocent of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer. (‭Psalms‬ ‭19‬:‭12-14‬ NKJV)

Left on our own, we are helpless to discern between righteousness and unrighteousness. Ways that seem right in our own eyes may lead us to death. (Prov 16:25) Who can discern his hidden sins? Who can understand his errors and secret faults? My heart trembles in fear because I cannot see what is hidden within me.

But He knows. And if we want to know, He is pleased to show us and take us through the fires of refinement. Of course there is a price to pay, but the rewards of it far, far outweighs the pain of sanctification. Better to pay the price of testing now than to pay the price of judgement later on. Better to be tested in my heart and to walk through the fire, than to live my life in ways that lead to death. We are never to abuse His grace and take it as an excuse for continuing to live in unrighteousness, hidden or unhidden. Sanctification is a necessary process and we are to walk in it. We are to walk out the righteousness given to us, and in doing so, willingly embrace the fire of testing and refining.

Give me the testing, and give me the fire, so that what is impure may be burnt away and what is of gold, uncovered.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting. (‭Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭23-24‬ NKJV)

If the entire purpose and the ultimate culmination of my life is to love God then I need to be intentional in doing so. The decisions I make, big and small, internally and externally, must work towards this one purpose. Where I go, what I decide to do, who I surround myself with, what I listen to, the day to day decisions, the major life altering decisions.. All of it needs to be intentional, and all of it must, to some degree or another, push my heart closer to His.

I have realized my purpose in this life and it is to love Jesus with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. I will not fight it, rather I will work with Him in bringing every area of my life under voluntary yieldedness so I can love Him with all that I am and all that I have. I want this! This both scares me and excites me because I know have barely even scratched the surface when it comes to loving Him in all entirety.

We talk about things like wholeheartedness, pursuit, surrender and yieldedness. These terms are beautiful and they capture the heart of it so beautifully but have we given any thought to how this plays out in the mundaneness of everyday life? What does an authentic pursuit of the heart of God look like? What does it mean in the day to day? I believe that oneness with God is completely possible and doable even on this side of eternity. It has to be, because He would not have commanded us to pursue it if it were out of reach.

Loving God wholly with all that we are and all that we have is possible, and I want to pursue it with all intentionality. Let every decision of my heart and my life reflect this desire. I want to stand at the end of my life before the One I love with no regret.