Potatoes are the only thing I want roasted. #letsbefrank.

Potatoes are the only thing I want roasted. #letsbefrank.

With all the carols, tinsel and glittery goodness, Christmas looks like a fairytale. But just like all clever horror movies, there’s a crescendo: Christmas dinner.

I know how this goes: a babe returns home for Christmas and the questions (read: interrogation) starts. It can make a babe wonder whether she/he is adopted.

But fear not, I’m bringing you a Christmas miracle. I’ve answered all the questions you’re going to get asked so you don’t have to say what you really think…

Q: So what are you doing with yourself these days?

A: I have a few things on actually: finding a cure for people who don’t like dogs, launching a vegan start-up, lecturing at my local university, breeding unicorns and assisting the UN in my free time. So tell me: how’s the sewerage business?

Tip: Your expression? Deadpan.

Q: Why don’t you have a boyfriend / girlfriend yet?

A: You know I have so many, I just didn’t know who to bring. Mum just simply didn’t have enough fold-out chairs for them all.

Tip: Have a collection of hot babe photos on your phone to flick through if you need support. Chew gum loudly. A pink variety is preferred.

Q: When are you getting married?

A: Oh the kids these days don’t call it marriage, we call it Tinder. I’ve had a few Tinder experiences and I just don’t think it’s for me. When we’ve had enough we just swipe left. Much quicker and cheaper than divorce you know?

Tip: Wear 4 rings on your engagement finger. Can be a chip like a Burger Ring or Cheezel.

Q: Have you thought about studying at all?

A: I’m enrolled in the School of Life. It was founded by Swiss philosopher Alain de Botton. He only accepts people who challenge the status-quo.