New poll results have been officially released by the Students’ Headquarters of McGall University (SHMU), showing that 87 per cent of undergraduates “strongly agree” with the statement, “There is a mouse problem at McGall University.”

The mice on campus have been a persistent source of trouble for decades, though the last few years have been particularly worrisome. SHMU VP Internal, Bran Fibrenom, spoke briefly with The Weekly by email. “As students, we know that political apathy is its own kind of epidemic here at McGall. But the voting percentage in the mice demographic is just appalling, no matter how you look at it.”

Historically, the mouse population at McGall has seen low voter turnout in SHMU GAs and referenda, as well as mouse-specific elections. The best mouse turnout for any event at McGall was 13 per cent, when an unexpected number of mice rallied to vote against the Arts faculty student strike in 2012.

A member of the McGall Equality Office and Workplace (MEOW) commented that SHMU members should be cautious against judging fellow McGallians regardless of size, fluffiness, or political engagement. “I don’t pretend to speak for all mice, and neither should you. You don’t necessarily understand the mouse experience.”

No mice representatives contacted would provide official comments.

Source of “gut feelings” identified

Last week, a groundbreaking new paper was published in Schmience by McGall researchers in the Department of Brain Thinky Problems, detailing an ongoing experimental analysis of so-called “gut feelings.” The paper sheds new light on a widely shared experience of being emotionally compromised by one’s stomach.

Ph.D student and lead researcher on the paper, Dane Juros, spoke at a small press conference in the McIntern Medical Building. “Everybody’s had to deal with gut feelings before. They are persistent and intense. My team really wanted to know the source of those feelings, and consequently, the ways we can all learn to live with them.”

The study shows that ‘gut feelings’ are remarkably similar to ‘brain feelings,’ in that they are produced by a conscious mind. While this may seem commonsensical, many people may be surprised in the realization that, in their abdomens, reside autonomous beings with individual desires, personalities, and, of course, feelings.

Juros described the challenges of his research. “As is the case when studying the brain, it’s difficult for us to accurately track the activity of our gut minds, or “gutmunculi.” This is due to electrical interference produced by the surrounding body parts, as well as [other complicated science stuff].” A new method of study was developed on our very own campus, which Juros referred to as “basically inserting a window into the abdominal cavity, like a literal window that you can look into.”

This research may be the first step in returning us to more civilized Aristotelian-era theory of mind. This would break free of all-too-common modern neuroscientific beliefs that restrain us to a paradigm of the brain as the sole source of mental activity. The new paper has already come under fire, even from prominent Brain Thinky Problem-Solvers on our own campus. Ostrey Size, professor emeritus in the department, was in the crowd at the press conference, and stood during the question period to announce that he found the study “pretty fucking ridiculous,” before storming off.

—Compiled by E.k. EK

Longer versions of these briefs can be found in the extremely legitimate source of news known as the McGall Reported, in the Grasping at Straws section.

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