My favorite animal is the flamingo. Lady Gaga, SNSD, and f(x) are among the top 10 most-listened to artists on my IPod. I cried watching Titanic and love reading chick-lit from authors like Jodi Picoult and Sarah Dessen.

Am I a bad person? A risk to society? Do I hurt people or cause mayhem wherever I go? Unless my rendition of “Poker Face” really is that bad, then no, I don’t think so. Here’s a story:

The other day I was eating the cupcakes my best friend and I baked at her house. My mom approached me with an angry look on her face.

“Thomas, you’re a BOY,” she exclaimed,” boys don’t waste their time doing stupid things like that! Do you want to get into college? What will people think of you if they find out you bake cupcakes like a little girl? What if they think you’re gay?”

Her angry mood escalated and it only got worse from there. End of story.

Besides the fact that my mom insulted herself through her blatant sexism, what she said made me sad. I admit it. This doesn’t even come close to the time she asked me if I needed to see a doctor because I gesticulated like a girl (this was when I was ten or eleven… now I’m careful with my body language around her), but still. It hurt.

The delicious cupcakes my best friend and I made. I don't regret baking them at all.

I’m sensitive, but I’m not stupid. Boys should be allowed to knit sweaters, practice yoga, and even cross-dress if they want. Heck, they can gather plants and herbs like women did during the Paleolithic Era for all I care. It’s not like we’re going to cause an apocalypse by not conforming to faulty gender roles forced upon us by society.

When I first thought of writing this post a couple of days ago I didn’t intend it to be this emotional, but after reading this, I couldn’t stop myself. What kind of cruel parent condemns their child for being who they are? I would rather just not have children than make them suffer in such a horrible way.

Instead of answering “Is it okay for boys to be feminine?”, let me raise another question.

For the sake of efficiency let me organize my main problems with your mother’s comments into a list:
1) Many of the best chefs in the world are straight men. Just look at Gordon Ramsay! If he’s not the picture of masculinity, what is?
2) It seems that these days the most popular alternatives to making cupcakes are drinking, shooting up, or sleeping around so your mother should be overwhelmingly happy that you’re doing something constructive.
3) How does she expect you to study all the time? You would go insane. I can tell just from your posts that you are highly intelligent and will have absolutely no problem getting into college already. Make sure you stand up for yourself, and don’t let her get you down.

Now on to the deeper issue of gender roles. This is very personal to me because as a child (not any more, fortunately) I was marginalized because I had different interests than the other kids. I was always outside with the guys and would have preferred catching frogs, swimming in the creek, or playing cowboys and Indians over dress-up any day. I hated pink, didn’t own a single doll, and was essentially kicked out of girl scouts on the first day for complaining about the boring, sexist activities. My point bringing all of this up is that I am disgusted by gender roles (and discrimination based on sexual orientation, but I’ll save that rant for a later date (; ). Who decided that it was abnormal for females to do anything but cook, clean, and be a homemaker? On what planet is it abnormal for a male to have an interest in cooking, crafts, romantic novels, etc.?

I dated a guy for a while who was fairly feminine. He was so entertained by romantic comedies, loved cooking, and was obsessed with cats. He was perfectly straight and incidentally one of best boyfriends I’ve had. Opposites may attract, but I think that similarities and open-mindedness create the foundation for strong relationships. I believe (and many of my girlfriends agree) that a certain degree of femininity is one of the most attractive qualities in guys (for both friends and significant others). My extrapolation is that worthwhile guys also don’t like obsessively girly, high maintenance girls as much as feminine but independent women as well, but as I’m not male I guess I’m not in the position to say for certain.

So yes, I think it’s invaluable to be true to yourself, whether that means being very masculine, having some feminine interests but being straight, or being GLBT.

Thank you for the list. I had already considered mentioning Gordon Ramsey (doubted that she knew who he is or if she would care), the other things teenagers do (she thinks I should always be above my peers regardless of what they do), and taking time off (her favorite phrase: “play now, pay later”). I’m hesitant to stand up for myself because of reasons I’ll reveal in later blog posts, though it’s kind of obvious when I’ve already written three posts about child abuse…

Anyway, you sound just like the best friend I had in Elementary school! Please tell me you weren’t marginalized all on your own, that’s horrible. The good (questionable usage of the word “good” here) thing is that because of this experience – as in being different, learning to accept others, etc. – you’ve developed a strong sense of self and compassion that a lot of people don’t obtain until their adult years, if they do so at all. I agree that gender roles are a gargantuan waste of time and that they shouldn’t be bothered with.

I believe that opposites do attract, and that “similarities and open-mindedness create the foundation for strong relationships.” I think you’re right in that men are more propelled towards women who have a solid personality and can think for themselves as opposed to women who lack the capability to carry on an intellectually stimulating conversation. I’m not much into women myself, but I can say I’d definitely date someone who’s literate than someone who knows how to apply eyeliner.

Great article, by the way. I have to take that into account when I converse with my younger cousin – usually I compliment her appearance but I also discuss books and current events with her too. I’m actually going to share the article on Facebook…

Just be yourself. No one can make you into something you are not. You have a very bright future ahead of you. Gender roles and sexuality are something that can confuse and upset. Be yourself and you will be happy. Oh and those cakes look very tasty!

This is going to be long (and you may find it interesting), but allow me to quote A.C. Grayling from his book, Meditations for the Humanist: Ethics for a Secular age.

“A moraliser is a person who seeks to impose upon others his view of how they should live and behave. Everyone is entitled to a view about what counts as acceptable behavior, and everyone is entitled to put it forward as eloquently and forcefully as he can. But moralisers go so much further. They want others to conform to their views, and they seek to bring this about by coercion—employing means which range from social disapproval to legal control, this latter often being their preferred option. In forcing others to comply with their preferences they show at least several of the following: insensitivity, intolerance, unkindness, lack of imagination, failure of sympathy, absence of understanding, and ignorance in believing that theirs is the only acceptable way. They defend their actions by saying that they are trying to defend others from harm, thereby claiming not only a monopoly on moral judgment, but the right to decide on others’ behalf what is good for them.”

To be honest: I don’t think too many bold letters and underlined statements express how agitated I feel to those kinds of people. Truthfully, I believe we all are a little moraliser—and it doesn’t necessarily have to be lack of something, but we have certain beliefs and we believe they are right and we want those we love to take the right route. Nonetheless, moralisers are extremists (extremists as in fanatical). They are optimistic they can maneuver you as they want, no questions asked. Like Grayling said: They are not doing it for you, but they are doing it for themselves because they want you that way. Mind you: they tend to disguise selfishness with caring acts. (Or, perhaps, for this post case … culture, society, and other day to day life issues tight our hands to let kids be the way they want.) Also: They are always right!

After a long explanation of moralisers, Grayling concluded his point like this: “So we urge personal morality on others because it suits ourselves.”

Usually people misread obedience for fear; kindness for cowardliness; and modesty for inadequacy to do anything in life. Whatever they think, they are not going to live your life for you—you’re going to live your life for yourself. I understand and sympathize with your dilemma, especially when you live with parents and you have to abide by their rules. But still … you’ve to live life like there is no tomorrow, and be happy.

You never need to apologize, I love your comments! Sometimes it takes me awhile to respond but that’s only because I need time to process all the deep information you’ve put forth.

I just added Meditations of the Humanist to my to-read list, from the quote you’ve included in your comment and a summary of the book I found online it looks like something I would enjoy. Thank you for referencing it. (:

I’ve heard of moralisers before, but I’ve never read about them in such depth prior to now. For some reason I think my mom might be a moraliser (shocking, I know). It makes me feel better knowing that there are others like her, sort of – now I’m aware that there are others like her so I’m not alone, but at the same time it worries me that people elsewhere have to deal with the likes of people similar to her. Now I’m more determined to be an extraordinary lawyer/psychologist/novelist. :D

Anyway, I also dislike that type of individual. I consider myself a nice person (I hope I’m a nice person), and it’s unfortunate we can’t live in a world where everyone is kind. Instead, there are moralisers, abusers, bullies, etc. And one of the only ways to prevent people from becoming not-so-nice is to educate them. At least that’s what I think.

Sorry for going off on a tangent there. I only have two more years until college and I’m counting down the days – till’ then, I have books, blogging, and other things to keep me occupied. So I’ll be happy enough. :)

Thank you again for taking the time to read this post and write another amazing response!

I don’t think gender really means anything at all. Biological sex aside, who gets to decide where to draw the line between male and female? It’s socially constructed, and it makes people feel bad when they don’t fit the ideal image of man or woman (which really, no one does). My personal belief is that you should do whatever you want with your life, as long as you’re not hurting anyone. Be whoever you want to be. The people who are really worth keeping in your life won’t care at all.

Well-said, especially your point on how no one really fits the ideal image of man or woman. It is important to take into consideration the safety of others, but like you said, other than that people should be able to live their lives freely and to the fullest. Thank you for your comment, if only everyone held those beliefs…. (:

t__t I’ve actually thought about this before.. and I decided if I ever had children, I would raise them in androgyny. Of course they’d know their gender and other things, but I wouldn’t purposely give the male child a truck and the female child a doll, enroll the male child in baseball while the female child goes to dance class, and other things like that.

sigh.. gender roles are still highly entrenched, a female PhD average lifetime earnings is roughly equal to that earned by a male with only a bachelor’s. This individuality movement in the Western culture only began 1970s, and the human race (in terms of behavioral modernity, complete with different behavioral mods for men and women) has been around for 50,000 years. For 49,949 years, it made sense to have gender roles, but now that men and women can do the same things (i.e. earn money) and do not need to act as a discrete economic unit, gender roles have the opportunity to be disassociated and unyoked. That’s why the LGBT movement took until late 1960s to foment and actually begin acquiring impact. 41 years is such a blip in human nature; we are innately hardwired to experience xenophobia.. and cultural socialization is part of all our growing up processes..

of course I am not saying we can’t beat our genomes, or that defying gender roles is futile.. but I totally understand where your mother is coming from, and why she’s like that.. it’s changing, but sadly, the older generation may not be as embracing.. I used to watch Ellen, and when my dad would see her on TV, he would make lesbian jokes, and I would give him a verbal thrashing T___T I’m sure he would poo his pants if I ever told him I was getting married to a girl.. one of the first things he told me when he walked onto my college campus was, “Wow! There are lots of lesbians here!” =____=

Oh Michelle, I’m starting to become accustomed to your logical approach to everything. I feel like we’re somewhat opposites in that respect (in a good way… (:)

Based on the numbers you’ve supplied, it seems that we’re moving toward a positive trend when it comes to tolerance. As long as our generation doesn’t regress I have hope that gay rights and androgyny will be much more widely accepted with time – and at a more rapid pace than in the past 50,000 years.

+5 respect points for standing up for Ellen! The thing is I’d be a bit afraid to say anything even if my mom insulted a gay person, I’m such a coward. -_- I suppose there is a reason why individuals raised in more traditional cultures disapprove of gays and the like but I still don’t condone their behavior.

ahaha, most of my really good friends are very diametrically opposite to my personality C: for some reason, I berate my parents for those sorts of things, so much so my mom makes fun of me when she thinks I’m being racist T___T

Discovered you commenting on theinnocentlam’s blog.
Due to my immersion in anime, manga, and eventually Kpop, I will say I have been desensitized to the barriers of what’s considered feminine/masculine. In cosplay, I see girls and guys crossdress left and right. In manga/anime, there are many, many, many bishonen characters that also crossdress easily, or already are on the verge of femininity they practically look like girls. And well… you know Kpop and flower boys xD
So from my perspective, it’s great when boys are “feminine.” Effeminate boys/men are so much more sexy, illegal, jailbait (even when they’re legal), and downright adorable.
HOWEVER. I am aware that the majority of the people in the world do NOT share my views (coffjustinbieber). Which sucks cause then they miss out on all the fun effeminate boys can provide.

By the way, I’m a girl (see my blog for proof), so don’t think I’m a pedophillic 40-year old gay man xD

I can see where you’re coming from with the K-Pop, anime, and manga. Eastern culture doesn’t seem to be as strict when it comes to androgyny, for example you would rarely see a male celebrity on Western television dancing like a girl, whereas people like Key and Kevin do it all of the time while garnering much applause. One of my Caucasian friends tried reading manga once and couldn’t discern the gender of multiple characters, which can also be seen in the K-Pop industry (cough, Amber, cough).

And I agree, effeminate boys are just as amazing and attractive as masculine guys, if not more. Either way what matters is the guy’s personality – whether he enjoys cooking or playing football more is irrespective of his character, which is what really matters when you’re in a relationship.

I don’t think you’re a pedophile, but I’ll check out your blog anyway. Thanks for reading and commenting!

Hey Thomas, I don’t mean to ruin the streak of long thoughtful responses, but I can relate so much to this I just had to pitch in a comment xD As a guy I play the flute, like to do certain crafts with my hands, like to bake, occasionally write poetry, but I treat those things just like I treat playing sports or video games. You’ll only ever be embarrassed of doing “feminine” activities if you’re embarrassed of yourself, so keep on going dude! (And about your mom, I feel for you, some things can’t be helped but I think it’s just because she didn’t have one of those cupcakes that you made =P)

Hi Andrew, don’t worry, I’m content with any comment regardless of its size. In fact I’m glad there’s another guy out there who can relate to what I’ve revealed here. You’re right that it’s important to maintain confidence in oneself, so I will. As for my mom, you may be right… I never did offer her a cupcake…

In my personal opinion you need to learn how to cook!! Whether it is cupcales or steak. I never learned how to cook as a kid. My mother and grandmother did all the cooking. This left me inept in the cooking world.If it wasn’t for the fact that I am married then I would have had to eat out all the time.

I still do not know how to cook a lot of things, but fortunately for me my wife loves to teach me (I think this is so she doesn’t have to cook all the time). I enjoy (for the most part) cooking for the family. We have three sons (ages 15, 10, and 8) and she encourages them to learn how to cook. SHe does this so that they do not have to depend on a woman to do it for them. She wants them to be self-dependant in that department and I completely agree with her.

As I sit here and type, my oldest son is cooking the family spheggetti. He enjoys cooking and so does my 10 year old. They are always asking to cook brownies and cookies (because they get to eat them).

Cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry are not female roles!!!! Society has been raised to think this, but the sad fact is that men will be left behind in this world if they cannot be dependant on themselves for such things.

Keep doing what you do and do not listen to the negativity your mother is telling you. One day she will be thankfuyul that you can depend on yourself and no one else. She will eventually open her eyes.

That is so true! I actually tried telling my mom that I need to know how to cook to survive on my own, but she just said that my wife will do the cooking while I go off and make money. It all comes back to gender roles for her, I suppose.

However, I admire that you and your sons are learning how to cook. It would be all too easy to allow your wife to make every meal, but you guys are taking on the task instead (and your sons get to enjoy a treat now and then, yum). I think once I move out of the house in a couple of years I’ll be able to learn from my friends and maybe take a few cooking classes if need be. (:

You’re right that the gamut of responsibilities often associated with women are vital to men as well. Preparing food and having good hygiene is necessary to one’s survival irrespective of gender.

I hope so, Frawg. Thank you for your comment and for sharing with me a little bit about your family!

I wish I had the time to write out a long in depth reply on how you should just be who you are, but I’m starting new classes today, like Trig… in an hour…

First off, my boyfriend bakes. Yeah, yeah he does. My boyfriend baked me amazing red velvet cupcakes with buttercream icing for my birthday, and also baked cupcakes for another friend’s birthday, and a cake once, I think. And he did it better than me.

Also, I know how much you study, and the AP classes you’re taking. Your mom can shove it, you already work your ass off. I hate it when people do that. I’m at least lucky that telling my family that I made the Dean’s List holds back questions about my grades for a while at least.

Of course it’s okay for people to be themselves. My boyfriend bakes, and cooks, and complains about how messy his roommate is, and is incredibly ticklish, and I love him for all of that. And he loves me for all of me, even my less than feminine tendency to start yelling “DIE MOTHERF***ER” when playing Left 4 Dead or something..

The only people that really suck in this world are the ones trying NOT to be themselves. If your mother can’t accept you for the way you are, then that’s her loss.

You don’t have to worry about writing an “in depth reply”, your comments are always thoughtful and in-depth! I appreciate them very much. By the way, good luck in Trig. Math is… not my strong point, I hope you’re better at it than I am.

Your boyfriend sounds amazing. Guys that know how to cook are awesome, and guys who accept their girlfriends for who they are are even better. You two are lucky to have each other, I’m jealous. (;

Thank you for your encouragement, whenever I’m feeling down because of my mom I’ll come back to your comment and the others people have left on this post and feel tremendously better.

I’ll probably make a new post about my new classes after this weekend. Clay is going to be expensive. Already spent $30 and I have to pay $46.70 for the rest. and go to dallas…. which is a pain…. but my bf is going to take me because the clay store isn’t open on saturday.

Of course it’s okay to be feminine if your a boy, a man or, in my case, a bear. As humans we are all a mix of roles and mannerisms some try to force us into little boxes with predescribed labels. Embracing yourself and others as they truly are is the only moral and rational choice. Thankfully there are parents that are embracing their “gender creative” kids just as they are. Check out these two:http://raisingmyrainbow.com/http://www.acceptingdad.com/
There is also a new book for parents called “Gender Born, Gender Made.” and a great so called young adult novel by Alex Sanchez called, “So Hard To Say.”
I have seen wonderful feminine gay boys grow up to be wonderfully flamboyant gay men or sometimes just kind quiet gay men with hearts of gold and a much better fashion sense than I.
So eat your pink cupcakes with candy glitter (I’m embellishing). Cry at great movies, (I frequently cry watching anime – not to mention tear jerkers like “Titanic),” and be who you’re meant to be. If you have to dial it back so mom doesn’t freak or bullies don’t harass then do that but make sure your fabulous heart always sings fa-bu-lous-ly.
Hugs,
FairyBear

Aw, thank you so much! This is so touching. You’re so right that sometimes we are forced to be someone we’re not and that embracing oneself is the only option.

I’ve visited both of those blogs and I’m subscribed to Raising My Rainbow, I love how accepting these parents are! It really contradicts how I’ve been raised and gives me hope for kids who don’t fit neatly into gender stereotypes.

Thanks for the book suggestions, I often use books as an escape from real life when times get tough. I’ve read books written by Alex Sanchez before so I’ll definitely check out “So Hard To Say” as well as “Gender Born, Gender Made”.

But, seriously, what you’ve said made my day. I’ll continue to restrain myself around my mom but I won’t let that ruin who I am. Thank you so much once again for reading and commenting.

I thank you for your kind response to my original comment. I know you are very busy but I hope you are still taking the time to let your inner glitter boy come out and play. Thanks for sharing this thoughtful and intelligent blog with us. I hope 2012 is a great year for you.

Saw your debut post in Queer Landia – great job! I look forward to reading more of your posts and will explore the archives here as well. I am semi-homebound due to a disability and can always benefit from a book review that translates into a new purchase for my Kindle. If I happen upon a good read first I’ll give you a heads up.

I guess I tried a little too hard to be cute with the inner glitter boy reference – oh well, I tried ;-)

Thanks for helping to lead the charge to make the world a better place for LGBT people. You are so right that your generation delivers us all hope for the future.

Thomas, how do you live? Hopefully not cooped up in your room all day reading, what, Math or Chemistry? You are smart enough to get into a good collage before you can say ‘Moldy Voldy’ so don’t go and fry your brain cells.
You have a life and it your choice to live it how you want but that doesn’t mean that you’ll go do something insane like … no I shouldn’t go there …
Of course it’s okay to be feminine but that wouldn’t necessarily imply that you’re gay. I’m not all for people cross-dressing but that okay. It’s about being comfortable being who you are and if baking cupcakes makes you happy then by all means bake away, my friend, bake away!

Nobody makes a huge fuss if a girl behaves masculine drinking beers, swear like there’s no tomorrow, smoke like chimneys, power-lift, being bikers riding Harley-Davidsons, a majority of the female population on Earth wears pants and you don’t see parents on the news protesting, do you?

I don’t want to insult your mother but what she’s doing is just wrong. She’s your mother and she should appreciate and encourage you for who you are and if she does have a problem it wouldn’t help going BOOM like a crate of TNT on you. I gather that she’s a sensitive person but I’ll risk asking, would it hurt to have a sit-down and talk about it? Though I have a feeling I have the answer.

You are your own person, nobody else’s. It is 100% okay to be who you are and you will accomplish nothing by being otherwise. I’ve learned, as much as a person can over the net, that you are an intelligent young man who’s funny, expressive and wast no time telling us what you mean and how you feel about what’s on your mind and if crying while watching Titanic makes you a girl I don’t give a damn because you’re expressing yourself and that’s not a crime!

If she cannot appreciate you for who you are that’s her loss. No cupcakes for her, serves her right it does. But I suppose she only means well because I don’t think she’s capable of purposely shooting down your self esteem. You should know enough about me by know to know that whether you’re a straight boy with some girlish behaviour or gay or whatever I don’t mind a bit and I’m sure everyone here wouldn’t either.

Be you
And no one else
Be who you are
Because that’s who
You want to be
And that’s sure as hell
Alright with me!

Awesome cupcake baking, but you shouldn’t go and tempt a chocoholic such as myself :p

Devina… I am touched. This is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I’m tearing up a little bit, but, thank you so much for this. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have such understanding and compassionate people reading my blog… just, wow. Wow.

I’m too intimidated to sit down and talk with her, but I doubt it would work anyway – she doesn’t listen to logic and immediately shoots down whatever I have to say when it concerns something that she disagrees with. I’ll be alright though, I only have a couple of years until college… and I have amazing people like you to rely on, too.

This is entirely inadequate, but thanks again for reading, commenting, and really making me feel better. I appreciate it a lot.

Heck, yeah. It’s so damn okay for people to be themselves. Well, my case is quite similar to yours. My friends always thought of my behavior as a bit feminine and yeah, I tried not to feel offended because I realized that I’m a man, but just embrace it. If I was acting like a girl or whatev, it was all just a joke as I tried to become closer to them. I tried to look manly in front of my parents I’ve always wanted to dress fashionably without having people think of me as being gay. Yeah, cuz u know all the stereotypes that gay people dress fashionably, they love to wear shockingly bright colors and blah. But, lately, I don’t think if I really cared about that anymore. That’s who I am. I want to learn yoga, and I might start doing it soon and there’s nothing wrong with males trying to do ballet. I love pink and purple and I’ve always wanted to learn how to cook. U know what? Actually I kinda have a vision. I just want men to be able to do things women usually do (like cooking, dancing and blah) without having people think of us as men who do women’s activities, but rather appreciated as men who can do that kind of activities and not be embarrassed about it. It was a great post!

Yes, Andreas, exactly. In the end it doesn’t matter whether what you do or how you act is feminine or masculine or alien or whatever – it’s simply who you are, and that’s all there is to it. It is what it is. You are who you are. You’re not hurting anyone by dancing or learning how to cook, so it’s unnecessary for people to hurt you by denying you the opportunities to do what you want or be who you want to be.

Ah, yeah, the cupcakes were delicious. Thank you for reading and commenting!

I am delighted to see people being okay with an individual being themselves, even if they don’t fall into any pre-conceived, false presentations of gender. However, very rarely in real life do I ever run into these people. It is as if only online they present their views but, hide in the real world

I agree in some scenarios – I feel like sometimes it’s easier to be yourself or to accept people as they are when online. In real life body language and social anxiety and other factors come into play that are not present on a computer screen.

I’m not sure when you’ll get this but, I am very delighted to say that just because you may seem feminine doesn’t mean that you are not a boy.You are a boy and it is obvious that you are. Your mother shouldn’t of said what she said but, I think she may of gotten an impression of that you are “gay” (not sure if you are). I am studying for my PIP (Personal Interest Project) about the question that you put up “Is it okay for a boy to be feminine?”

I would very much like you to be a part of it, if its okay with you. You just need to answer a certain amount of questions that could be personal.

My brother is feminine but, is ashamed to show it. Because he thinks that our father will be mad at him for not being “manly”. I hope you can give him advice as well, to not be ashamed and not to hide. For there are people who are boys and they are feminine as well.