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I was looking forward to October this year. Sort of. But now that its here, and halfway over I might add... I have to admit that I am sorely underwhelmed. In fact, I'm feeling downright funky about it. Pink ribbons everywhere I look. Sigh. Parties and fundraisers and celebrations... sigh. All I can think about is sitting in chemotherapy for hours hooked up to an IV.

On Facebook, I changed my profile picture to a picture that shows me hooked up to my chemo line. I feel that Pinktober is important. I think that it is important that people become aware of this disease and how wide the impact is. However, I really need people to remember that behind the pink ribbons and charitable events... are women and men who are struggling with this disease. People who are facing devastating choices in an attempt to save their lives. For those of us who do survive and then progress on to have wonderful and fulfilling lives... I know that very often we make this look easy. Know that its not. Its simple to brush aside the thoughts of the downside of breast cancer. And to be frank, I understand needing to do that. Focusing on human tragedy isn't pretty and who wants to run around feeling badly all the time?

But I wanted to say to you today... while you're going about your life purchasing pink items for your kitchen and your bathroom... grabbing pink ribbons to pin on your shirt collar... please remember that behind each ribbon is a human being. And more than anything they need your prayers and your support.

I remain fixated and hopeful that a cure for breast cancer will be found in my lifetime. I pray for a cure every day. I hope that you too will pray with me for a cure.

Love through breast cancer is possible

One of my favorite R&B artists, Musiq Soulchild, released a video for his latest single, "Yes" recently; just before Breast Cancer Awareness month. The video is a tribute to women with breast cancer. Musiq is an Ambassador for Susan G. Komen Foundation Circle of Promise.

The Circle of Promise is an initiative by the Komen Foundation to bring awareness and education directly to African American women. Because of our higher mortality rates with breast cancer, Komen has taken on the challenge to help eradicate some of the fear and ignorance that exists in the black community about breast cancer. It is, to me, a great initiative.

In his video, Musiq sings about a deep and unconditional love... a love that stands through the test of an illness like breast cancer and the changes that it brings (and the fear). The video is affirming and heart wrenching. Affirming because even though I don't currently have a love like this in my life... I do know (and I remain hopeful) that it is possible. And its heart wrenching because the video is extremely well done. It is poignant and touching and true. It is the truth of the video... the shame about using a prosthetic, the anger, the fear, the weakness... that makes me cry every time that I watch it. And honestly, I watch this video regularly.

When I started this journey with breast cancer I had a guy by my side. And it did not occur to me that there would come a day when he wasn't there. But that day did come where we went our separate ways... and the pain of that aloneness weighed on my heart heavily for a really long time. Its been awhile since we broke up and most of the pain of the breakup is gone. Along with the disappointment.

Watching Musiq help her cut her hair, hug her when she was raging, and be there to support her when she fell... was so bittersweet. I think about love a lot. I wonder whether I am lovable as I am. I wonder whether love will find me. I wonder whether the man I do finally choose to love next... will be able to deal with all of this should the cancer decide to return.

It is that fear of recurrence that makes me hesitant about love. Nobody expects to have to deal with that sort of major life drama. I constantly worry about the fairness of falling in love with someone knowing that there is no guarantee that the monster won't return. I just don't know.

What I do know is that this video is amazing. Musiq has eloquently captured the essence of what love is and what love does in his lyrics. I know that cancer has a way of killing relationships. Any major trauma does. I know many survivors who divorced or broke up with long-term partners during their cancer treatment. And every time I think about that... I get sad. But, I also know that some relationships are strengthened because of the cancer. I know that some folks find another path to love, one that takes them through the cancer and into a deeper place that only their partner can understand. I try to keep those positive thoughts in mind when I consider that I just might... want to fall head over heels in love one day with a man as sweet and as kind to me as Musiq was in that video.

I have a lot of love in my heart to give to the right man. I'm ready to love again. Truly ready.

Okay. So... I didn't just wake up one day and realize that I'd gained a few pounds. But, it certainly feels that way. I don't know what happened... well, I guess that's not true either. I know what happened. But at any rate, I know that I need to get back on track.

The seasons are changing and that means that its time to cleanse. I try to do a detox cleanse every quarter/every season. Its a way to clear my head, clean my system of whatever junk and crap I've been dumping into it... and to jump back into healthier eating and working out.

I was going to say "if I've slipped" but I know me... and by now I'm pretty sure you know me too and its not "if I've slipped" but SINCE I've slipped. (laughs) I'm lousy about working out and eating healthy. But I do have good intentions.

I'll be back on the Master Cleanse in a few days. If you've never done it, I do encourage it. You will be amazed at how much better you feel after a few days (really its a week) of detoxing. In addition to the lemonade drink, I also soak in a bath with Epsom salts during the cleanse as well (actually, I do that all year round). It helps with the detoxification process as well.

I had a rude awakening because I looked at a picture of myself at the beginning of the summer in one of my bathing suits and then I looked in the mirror.

uh. Whose body is THAT?

*face twisted at the mirror, squinting trying to make it better*

Yeah. Gotta get back in order. Not now, but right now. Fried chicken wings when I go out and grilled cheese sandwiches when I can't sleep... wow. Yuck on my waistline. Suffering through insomnia and then not walking/running when I am awake... yeah, that's a good plan. (insert sarcastic look here) Drinking, drinking, drinking... did I mention drinking calories all the time? Ugh. I've been swilling on sodas, liquor, tea made with (gasp) SUGAR... ohhhh! I'm so ashamed. Ice cream in the middle of the night. Candy, popcorn... yeah. You name it and I've probably gulped it down, licked the plate and my fingers and reached for more.

*head nod* Yeah. So... when I woke up fat the other day... it was only because I've been looking at myself with one eye closed when it comes to eating well and doing the right thing. Right now, we're just looking at a little bloat around the middle and about 5-8 pounds but when you're already not really a small girl... everything extra is just EXTRA.

Oh well. Gotta do it. Its fall now and while I could hide in big sweaters and chunky clothes, I don't want to do that. Anybody else out there doing cleanses or other detox methods? What works for you?

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