Week 83: Bedroom Farce
1. Why, in your opinion, do some women think it is sexy to shave off their eyebrows and paint on new ones, higher up?
2. Have you ever had sex in an airplane? Have you ever had sex on a luggage carousel?
3. Which of these words do you find most offensive? a) seersucker; b) organism; c) but.
For men: Betty, or Wilma? For Women: Maynard G. Krebs or Lumpy Rutherford?
4. Have you ever ordered a pair of edible underwear at the drive-through window of a McDonald's?
This Week's Contest: We have just finished reading the Great New American Sex Survey, which reports all sorts of questionable results, such as that Americans do not cheat on their spouses a lot, that Baptists are wild animals in the sack, and that Americans don't like oral sex all that much (a result we find in, er, poor taste). We are thinking that even if true, these results are unspeakably dull, because the researchers asked all the wrong questions. What we want to know is: What questions were left out? What do you want to know about intimate relations between the genders that this survey has not told us? Please, folks, exercise restraint and maturity. Remember that the editors of this reprehensible feature must answer to individuals in business suits who, in terms of personal rectitude, make the Queen of England seem like Heidi Fleiss. First-prize winner gets a foot-tall full-color plaster statuette of Lou Costello, a value of $ 75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 83, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Oct. 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 80, in which we asked you to come up with nicknames for famous people.
An odd statistic: We received 1,250 entries, about 400 of which involved Bill Clinton or the Bobbitts. Emasculation appears to be the "in" topic. A special thank you to librarian Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who apparently did some research and sent us her all-time favorite nickname, California Angels catcher Doug "Eyechart" Gwosdz. Jessica, you are spending waaay too much time in the stacks.
Fifth Runner-Up: "Curtains" Kevorkian (Mary Whittington, Washington) Fifth
Fourth Runner-Up: Bill "Have You Noticed I Never Talk When Hillary Is Drinking a Glass of Water" Clinton (Thomas Edward Knibb, Walkersville)
Third Runner-Up: Boutros Boutros "Boutros" Ghali (Philip Delduke, Bethesda; also, Deena MacDonald Andrus, Hughesville)
Second Runner-Up: X, the "X X X X" (Paul "Wonderboy" Styrene, Olney; also, David Sullivan, Washington; and Michael Garawski and Michelle Lefferts, Arlington)
First Runner-Up: Ollie North, "The Lyin' King" (Jim Town, California, Md.; Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
And The Winner of "The Cottage Physician," a hilariously misinformed 1902 home medical book:
John "Magic Johnson" Bobbitt (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Honorable Mentions:
Bill "Buckner" Clinton (Eric Robert Jablow, Reston) John " " Bobbitt (Buster Baker, Silver Spring)
Henry "The Philanthropist" Cisneros (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station)
Lorena "The Mohel" Bobbitt (Steve Cohen, Fairfax; also, Robert Oshinsky, N. Bethesda; Bill Epstein, Bethesda)
Tony "Sentence. Fragment." Kornheiser (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Andy "Don't You Just Hate Nicknames? I Know I Do" Rooney (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
Barry "The Commander of Pander" Diller (Rose Stack, Arlington)
Lorena "The Impaler" Bobbitt (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) v
Marion "The Inhaler" Barry (Delores A. Shaffer, Alexandria)
Tony "Why on Earth Should I Use Just One Word When There Are Many, Many Other Assorted Words That I Can Use Very Extremely Appropriately, If Somewhat Redundantly and Repetitively, for Both Emphasis and Even Also for Emphasis in This Particular Journalistic Situation, to Fill Space" Kornheiser (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station)
"Oily" North (Fred Darfler, Elkton)
Bill "Flip" Clinton (Keith Willauer, Blacksburg)
Dave "CAPS LOCK" Barry (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Yo-Yo "Yo Ma-Ma" Ma (Mary Whittington, Washington)
Chuck "Throb" Robb (Blair Ewing, Clarksville)
"Interim" President Clinton (Rob Carter, Bethesda)
Mack "The Knifed" McLarty (Austin Doyle, Silver Spring)
Rose "By Any Other Name" Anne (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Janet "Buckstopper" Reno (Bev Wiedeman, Manassas)
Monica "Old Yeller" Seles (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Lorena "The Tungsten Sickle" Bobbitt (J. Kammer, Herndon)
John "The Prince of Wince" Bobbitt (Greg Wilinski, Springfield)
"Blink" Cedras (Stu Siegal, Vienna)
Bill "I Can't Make Up My Mind What My Nickname Is" Clinton. (Cara Liebenson, Potomac)
John "Slack Willy" Bobbitt (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Cecil "Pops" Jacobson (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda)
Richard "Millstone" Nixon (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Zsa Zsa "The Sultan of Slap" Gabor (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Boutros "Duplicate Words Found. Delete Second?" Boutros-Ghali (David Mathiason, Washington)
And Last:
Jimmy "Week 64" Hoffa (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
and,
April "Can't Take It Anymore" Carnahan (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Next Week: Heads, You Lose