Teenager's Torso Removed After Eating Kebab

A teenager has had emergency surgery to remove her torso after eating a kebab containing weapons grade plutonium.

The 18-year-old is reported to have become breathless and developed severe stomach pain before being taken to accident and emergency. Officers say she would have died if doctors had not performed the operation.

She was diagnosed with as being "completely fucked" but is now in a serious but stable condition.

Police have not officially named the place where she bought the kebab, but says the dodgy chip shop has stopped selling it. The force said they have been warning other vendors in the town about what had happened.

"Doner meat itself is a very dangerous thing if improperly handled and garlic sauce is a toxic chemical. It destroys human tissue. The plutonium didn’t help things either."