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Friday, October 11, 2013

Blogs Don't Write Themselves

By JccKeith

It's Thursday!!! Why
is that such a big deal? Well, just so
you know, it's a big deal because I thought it was Saturday. It has felt like Saturday for the last four
days because the local school system is on fall break which means if you have
kids, they are home all day every day for the next two weeks which in turn
makes it feel like Saturday. Not Sunday
because on Sundays there is that vague feeling - vague reality - hope really -
that school will start again tomorrow.
So it is not in fact Saturday. It
is Thursday, so it is my blog of the week!

What could I possibly want to talk about - what urgent issue
is on the top of my priority list?
Turkey. Yes, that good old
reliable turkey. I woke up today and being
the lunatic that I am, I thought, you know what would be a great idea? How about I invite a bunch of people over to
my house tomorrow? How about I promise
them a great meal, a great old fashioned, southern really, meal. Turkey.
Turkey is great. It's big, it
feeds a lot of people and it is relatively easy to cook. So clearly, I am insane. I either need to a. stop waking up in the morning or b. not
make promises I can't keep.

For those who don't know, turkeys, this time of year anyway,
are frozen. They are also some big
birds. They take time to thaw out. Like 3 or 4 days. Crazy I know.
And guess what? You can't just
pop that big ol' bird in the microwave and defrost that sucker. It has to actually thaw out. So briefly I considered pulling out my rifle
and venturing down the road - I live in a fairly country area - and just
shooting one of those turkeys I see all the time hanging out in the fields near
my house. Then I remembered - oh yeah -
I'm much more likely to hit one with my car than with a rifle. And in all honesty, my back hurts and I was
busy cleaning all day - did I mention I invited (non-drunk) people over to my
house? I was much too busy cleaning to
'hunt' unless 'hunting' includes driving two minutes down a different road to
the local grocery store to the frozen section and selecting an appropriate
sized bird.

I have come to the realization today that inviting people
over for a party to my house is much easier than inviting them over for a meal. Inviting people over to a party means they
will be drunk within a few minutes to an hour of entering my abode. They will not care whether there is dust or
clutter anywhere in my house. They will
not care, not really, whether the bathrooms are super clean as long as there is
a clear path to the toilet/porcelain god.
Parties are fun and care free and involve beer pong. Meals usually end in desserts and wine not
beer pong and a game or two of drunken twister in the living room.

So let's recap. I, by
profession, am a scientist. I have a
biochemistry degree. So the ten year old
dust on my window seals and under/on my impressive bookshelves are science experiments. The various stacks of clutter in corners or
alcoves are carefully controlled exercises in physics. I did concoct some extremely useful and
highly toxic chemistry potions today to clean some questionable stains on my
living room carpet that would have made MacGyver proud. I am totally using that expensive college
knowledge I obtained over the course of a few years. Even then, I still had no solution to my
turkey dilemma. I recall no class on how
to defrost and cook a turkey in a single day to impress guests.

So it would seem that I will have to rely on my stunning wit
and charm to sway my guests that mine is the best dinner party ever because my
cooking will most certainly - without perhaps some serious chemical
intervention - do the trick. What does
this have to do with writing this blog? Well, blogs don't write themselves. Honestly, my questionable ability to plan events has absolutely no
relevance to this blog other than to perhaps offer some excuse as to why I have
no real topic to discuss. Actually if I
have to use an excuse, I'm going to pull a Michael Jackson and blame it on the
boogie: