Monthly Archives: July 2011

I caught a quick glimpse of the TV yesterday (while I was vacuuming and dropping sweat that could fill a man-made lake) as the youngest was channel surfing (yes, he is male and inherited this trait from his father’s gene pool). The quick flash I saw was of the USA pictured on a weather map and the entire country was lit up red with 90’s and 100’s across the board. A meteorologist was standing in front of the weather map speaking to the camera and wearing a look of concern in addition to his slightly wilted and crumpled suit.

That’s all I got. I couldn’t hear him and before I could power down the sweeper and make a request that the little TV dictator keep that station on for a minute, he changed the channel. I debated on using my rank to overtake him and seize power of the arc of the covenant but decided to continue working and sweating.

Sweating has been a part of daily life. But I’m not complaining (thank God for A/C). Although apocalyptic, I love the heat. Ok, so this might be a bit oppressive (we live in the arm pit of the world) but I’d rather have this heat than the horrid blizzard of a winter we had to endure. Actually, I’d rather have my butt planted in Arizona where there is zero humidity. The humidity is what kills us here.

Well some of us more or less than others. My middle child, Dos, cannot handle humidity in any form and Mr. Pavlov was birthed and raised in the heat ridden, humid, tropical Philippines.

Dos is a big boy and an avid sport player. By big I do not mean McHeffer, I mean large for his age. At 12yrs he is 5’7″ and 160# The boy is solid. Think hitting a brick wall and you’ll get it about right. He is also freakishly strong. I already cut his hair so I know for a fact that we don’t have any Sampson going on here (and he has also taken sips of fermented drink – another non-Sampson trait).

Thanks to his size, power, attitude and natural talent, he is readily accepted into the sport arena and plays just about everything known to mankind. I have the mileage on my newer Clown Car (the non-affectionate name for our 5 seater downsize after the death of our beloved Honda Minivan) to prove it. Currently he is on a basketball league. Outdoors. An outdoor basketball league. Clear? Outdoors. He had a game yesterday in the 100+ degree hot and humid temps.

My Mama heart was feeling a bit sorry for my big sized baby. Hey, I still remember the day he was born like it were yesterday. His head and shoulders are the most vivid of the memories (I will remember them forever!) but he will always be my baby no matter how large he becomes. So when he came to me all pathetic looking asking if he could sit this game out, I knew my sports crazed kid was suffering from the heat. Was it truly worth it? Making a kid who sweats buckets, becomes easily dehydrated and then vomits up the attempts at rehydration play in this dangerous heat index? The image of him hurling all over the court and the other players sealed the decision for me. I told him he could remain at home. Indoors.

Now Mr. Pavlov is a heat eating machine. I think he possesses a mutant tropical gene that enabled him to live (as in play outdoors) in the Philippines. The man is unphased. He is also an avid participant in sports and his true love is cycling (think Lance Armstrong as in cycling NOT his true love…just so we’re clear!)

He would sleep with his bike if I permitted her in our bed….but I don’t and she is confined to the garage or on the trainer in our family room. He cycles 25 miles to work “just cause” and pushes himself regardless of the heat index. He laughs at the sun and the gnats don’t even attempt to buzz his head, dive bomb his eyes or lodge in his sweat. They know better. Mosquitos don’t touch him either (I’m thinkin’ the mutant gene repels them).

He is an outdoor god. But I’m not quite ready to place an image of him in my garden or erect a totem pole just yet. Even though these next few pictures are totally statue worthy:

What heat?

Unzipping is my secret for ventilation

Feel the breeze baby!

On basketball day he came home from work wearing similar garb to the above photos. Yes, he cycled to work, again. His cycling suit was unzipped (see above)and he was joyfully sweaty.

I wondered how long the joy would last once I informed him that I permitted our heat intolerant child to skip his game. Without further delay I spit out the information. Mr. Pavlov looked at me, then glanced at Dos lounging on the couch wearing only his basketball shorts and playing with his ipad (nice presentation Dos!), then glanced back at me. I waited for the speech about team commitment, keeping kids active and off of brain numbing computer gadgets and TV (Mr. Pavlov is also ex Airborne) but instead he nodded and replied a simple,

“Yea, it is hot.”

I offered Mr. Pavlov a glass of water and told Dos he should be thankful for a little thing called endorphins!

My daughter and I were engaging in some retail therapy recently when she asked me a weighted question.

“Mom, would you rather have a ton of friends that are insincere and secretly hate you or be a friendless loser.”

I think I recall hearing this question posed on a TV show before. I didn’t want to brush her off with a half-hearted answer (because I could tell that she really wanted some earth shattering stuff from me) so I pondered my response for a moment. While I was pondering away, I overheard two women talking about their blogs and I paused longer than normal for my aging brain cells. Taking the opportunity presented to her, my daughter took off to drool over the newest item of distraction. Earth shattering stuff from Mom could obviously wait.

Ok, now I don’t know why or how but for some reason I just stumble upon situations that expose me to entertaining episodes or conversations. I’ve had friends laugh at my ability to attract amusing situations and I often joke about my various mutant powers. I think bionic hearing (a.k.a. eavesdropping) is a mad mutant skill (not necessarily of the power status – yet) that I possess. For actual reals. Just check out The cool momsand I’m not perfect but pretty darn close. Really. Check them out. It happens.

The blogging babes were discussing and comparing their various methods of blog pimping – I think “blog pimping” was even their exact phrase. They had my full attention (although I never made eye contact) and I semi creeperishily lingered by fondling every single bottle of the 100+ display of nail polish (my engrossed shopper disguise). Hey, a girl can never be too choosy with what she puts on her nails right? Only….one look at my nails would surely blow my cover. They don’t exactly emit the choosy vibe but rather scream a pathetic For the love of mankind, just cover me in something woman!!

Thankfully the blogging babes were too enthralled in their pimping conversation to notice the sketchy individual molesting the bottles of polish beside them. Because I had to hide my surprise at the information I was overhearing (I’m not like Lady Gaga and cannot pull off her P-p-p-poker Face), I reached for some aviators and a scarf. Sketchy officially turned celebrity bad disguise weird. No, (blushing) I’m not a celebrity. The weird is open for debate.

What prompted the possibly weird need for masking of the facial expressions? The blogging duo communicated a well thought out, systematic (ahem, manipulative) approach to blogging. They even mentioned articles that they read on how to pimp your blog. I’m only listing 10 of the cold hard facts that they discussed. Here we go:

Troll other blogs and leave comments whether you feel it (as in the blog and blogger) or not in the hopes of baiting them into visiting your blog.

Obtain a religious following by inferior (their exact word) bloggers who took the bait and now are drinking your blog’s Kool-Aid. But remember, Pimps don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

Routinely leave comments on the blogs of individuals who have the potential to scratch your back.

Be willing to sing blog praises to the scratching back bloggers whether you mean them or not.

Seldom leave comments or acknowledge a blogger (who may write decently but doesn’t have much to offer you) – Yes they said this – remember they are going for inferior Kool-Aid drinkers or high power back scratchers.

Laugh at other blogs and not in a “haha, hahah that cracked me up YouAreSoooFUNNY” way. But in an “omigosh you are so pitiful that it is laughable” way.

Don’t read the entire blog entry but just skim out enough to make it seem like you did. How? They just happened to discuss this. Comment on certain points and even copy and past from the original entry (that you only skimmed) to appear as if you read the entire entry.

Establish an inner blog sanctum or clique and keep outsiders out unless of course, they are Kool-Aid drinkers, butt kissers or have something to offer.

Crush the competition…appearently there is blogger competition.

Ok. I am still at a loss for words and have a bad taste in my blogging mouth. Do bloggers really do this? Was I that naive to think they didn’t? Mmmhmm, I was.

I am guilty of some of their above 10 pimping points. You see, I visit sites (that I enjoy). I leave comments (that I mean). I copy and paste (from entries that I actually read). That’s where it stops. I never look at visits to other blogs as a way to boost my own blog’s stats. I write what I write and if other bloggers stop by well then I am happy to meet them! I truly love people stopping by but I do not use them for my own gain. There are no hidden motives or agendas here.

I don’t kiss butt. I never cared much for the emotional aftertaste. Insincerity causes me to hurl – chunks. If I leave a comment or make repeat visits it’s because I really feel a connection with the blog/writer. I’d even subscribe to my favorites if I knew how (yep, imma loser with a Capital L). And while we’re on it….what is RSS feed??!? Many days around here my nostrils are barely above the rising waters of life. My time is limited and pimp is not one of the hats I wear.

I thought about asking them their suggestions of how a social blogger like myself (with all of my 50ish twitter followers) could sincerely promote other bloggers. But then I realized that I would most definitely fall into their pitiful, back scratcher challenged, laughable category and they would laugh. Right there. In my face. And offer me a glass of Kool-Aid while they scratched each others back.

Competition? What’s that?

Blog clique? Really? I already graduated from highschool. All characters are welcome here.

Kool-Aid? Grape is my favorite so if you’re serving I just may have a sip, but only one.

Inferior? Puhleeze! We are all inferior.

Scratch my back? Well, that’s not why I stopped by but, if you insist. A little to the left, up, down, over, right…..ahhhh, thanks.

Laugh at other bloggers? Yes I do – when they write something super funny. I have been known to spew tea (I’m a tea addict) across my computer and urinary dribble (not on the computer) on multiple ocasions. Laugh because they are pitiful? Who defines pitiful? What is pitiful? We are all pitiful…I was molesting nail polish while exercising cranial nerve VII (pulling off some great auditory stalking) in an aviators and scarf disguise. Pitiful. Go ahead, laugh. It’s ok.

Seriously. I am beyond disappointed with this newly discovered information. So tell me, how do you guys feel? I think it safe to assume that those of you who stop by do so because you kinda like it here. I mean, I’m not serving Kool-Aid (not even grape) and I don’t own a back scratcher.

Please tell me these pimps were high on their own scratch-and-sniff and that this behavior is NOT the blogging norm. It isn’t…right?!?

My daughter returned and said “Cool scarf and aviators. And I like the black polish. Can we get them all?”

My darling husband came home a few days ago and informed me he had just learned of a treatment that would, without a doubt, cure and prevent strep. Now this piece of info comes about, ohhhh, 16 days and a complete course of antibiotics for myself and three kids too late! But hey, I was game for new-found knowledge so I replied “Oh yeah, what?” Smiling, he unveiled a bottle of Absolut Vodka for me to “gargle and swallow” if any future cases of strep present. My facial grimace must have spoken volumes because he immediately began with his facts.

Facts including valuable information and I think a few statistics concerning how alcoholics never contract strep. When I asked him how he came upon this information and cure he replied,

“A friend who knows an ENT Doctor and the ENT Doctor said not one of the alcoholic patients ever gets strep.”

It appears the key is to gargle and swallow the alcohol rather than the gargle and spit method we use with salt or other home remedies. Mr. Pavlov is known to have a glass of vodka mixed with cranberry juice or a glass of wine before bedtime. He is the only one in the house to escape the strep invasion and he clearly recalls that we did in fact exchange some saliva before I knew that I was throat breeding strep. He thought this fact was pertinent.

I really hope that the horrid, awful, nasty bacteria stays away from our abode however, should the need arise I will gargle and swallow a large glass little Absolut or Belvedere. Straight.