March 21, 2009

Corks have been flying in what Bat and Jarf leaders are calling “the bloodiest day in Forsaken House history.” Several Jarves and Bats have been wounded in corkings, and a Jarf was beaten with a glove. Forsaken House DPS has reportedly been flooded with calls and concerns but will not intervene. More as the story develops.

March 15, 2009

In an unprecedented move, Rep. Jarf Lauginhindlinghausen (J) has vowed to have all caps and tabs destroyed in a massive attempt to continue the “peaceful, non-violent period in Forsaken House.” In a meeting with fellow Jarves and selected Jraf leaders, he said, “Now is the time to cement our legacy as a peaceful people. In the coming months, our aim as Forsaken House Residents– Snates, Bats and Jarves– should be to create an environment of safety and, amidst the bloodiest time in our history, begin to conspire with each other rather than against.” He paused as thunderous applause that rang through the room with a wave of his hands and continued, “MAYES willing, we can convince the members of this beautiful community that we should live a life of affluence rather than one of threatening partisanship. MAYES willing, we will come together as a house once again.”

The meeting was set in the Jarf Den and was a gathering of minds to form a new plan to deal with violence in Forsaken House. The two-day summit ended with Lauginhindlinghausen’s speech. A long-time Jarf leader, he is known for his diplomatic approach to world leaders, despite confessed problems with depression and alcohol in his 2008 book, “No Jarf Has Passed, No Life Has Transpired: The Jarf Lauginhindlinghausen Rise to Power in His Own Words.” The book endeared him to a constituency that has been less forward-thinking and pragmatic in the past year, and led to his uncontested re-election late last year. Further cementing him was his fierce and determined opposition to Proposition 27 late last year. Upon the proposition’s defeat, his approval rating among Jarves was the highest among any leader in Forsaken House history.

With another election coming, there are detractors. Jraves are less than enthused about cutting back defense budgets and call this move, “A clear-cut example of pandering to the Bats and less-advantageous, fearful Jarves.” One Jraf leader went so far as to say, “Calling for peace in the midst of this strife is not only pointless, but dangerous. It is a sign of weakness from a leader well past his prime. He understands nothing of the current political climate. If he were an honest man, a good man, he would step aside. Immediately.”

Lauginhindlinghausen’s history is riddled with polarization. In 2006, as he successfully took his office, he blatantly ignored calls to make an immediate impact. He brokered a long-time peace with the Milesmen and Katies and was solely responsible for the massive immigration reforms that brought in Bats, Snates, and Tedds and ultimately led to the now-tumultuous Sharkey period. His diversification plan backfired, say some, but for the most part, Forsaken House’s residents feel comfortable with his performance as a leader.

As for this weekend’s summit, Lauginhindlinghausen has no doubt about his speech. He released a plan to destroy weapon reserves and spoke about decriminalizing certain sectors of FH to “ensure that people are in fact safe and secure, no matter their race.” He called the terror zones in the house, “a manifestation of fear.” After clearing his throat during the emotional speech, he continued, “The brilliance of motion should never be restricted. The DPS have long instilled fear with their speech and practice. We must let the people roam free– without borders and enemies, without weaponry and vehemence sagging the sails of our wind-stuck future. When I envision the next generation of Forsaken House, the new era, I imagine one in which, caves, dens, Bots, Jarves and Bats are all non-hazardous to themselves or others. This dream is not only attainable and necessary. This dream is laying squarely in our palms, next to the weapons that threaten us and keep us at bay.”

Perhaps this new era is a dream and only that. But the majority of Jarves believe. They remember the peaceful eras; the tourists not worrying about caps and corks. A prominent Jarf said it best, “This new era is, point of fact, merely the old one rehashed. I believe we can relive that past. [Lauginhindlinghausen] is the leader we chose to do this and I believe he will.” This was the sentiment of most on a day of immeasurable emotion. Perhaps the new era is far away, but it did not seem so far after Jarf Lauginhindlinghausen’s speech. In fact, it seemed closer than it was when it was reality. The man who seemingly stepped Forsaken House into each of it’s eras stepped away from the podium, and for a moment had the room in wild applause. Whatever was said afterward and by whom was yet to spoil the speech, and for the moment, Lauginhindlinghausen’s mission for peace was complete amongst his own people.

March 12, 2009

As of Thursday, March 12th, 2008: An empty Bat colony guarantees the continuance of the “Silent MAYES agreement”… Jarf leaders calling the weekend absence of Bats “a chance to think long and hard about solutions to sectarian issues… New Randyman expose may incense longtime fans accoring to FHN source… MAYES to meet with Bat leaders over the weekend to assure continuance of ceasefire… Jarf leaders enthused by meetings, though they will be absent… Snate leaders say Bat-Jarf separation “beginning of the end” of violent winter…Sivitsbirds defeat Jarves in basketball playoff, next meeting to come soon… More news as events warrant… Stay tuned to Forsaken House News for updates.

March 11, 2009

A source close to both sides of the Forsaken House Civil War said despite an obvious Bat allegiance from dignitary MAYES, his presence has had an overall positive effect.

“Having seen the way they interact now as compared to then, it’s a totally different process. It’s like night and day.” The source chose to stay anonymous, but also said s/he had ties to the Snate community and that they were “pleased with the political process since MAYES’ visit as well.” When asked what s/he thought about the coming months, s/he said “it’s obvious that the threat of violence still lingers, but now the hope for peace is much higher.”

Cease-fire talks are still ongoing while Forsaken House DPS has reported no incidents since “Bloody Friday” erupted in several corkings.

March 7, 2009

CONTINUING COVERAGE: RELATIVE CALM IN FORSAKEN HOUSE AS ALL SIDES RETREAT TO NATIVE TERRITORIES… BAT LEADER “SCREW THE TABS… WE ARE ALL NOW WARRIORS”… DPS DECLARES NO AREA SAFE; NO OFFICERS ON PATROL; MARTIAL LAW… CORKS LITTER DEN, HALLWAY, BAT CAVE… WITNESS: “THEY WERE ALL SO DRUNJ”…