Army of Epiphenomenon

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Following two years of lies and cover ups concerning the betrayal of his marriage vows, and after one week of reserved admittance, former Presidential candidate John Edwards, not acting very presidential, announced that he had been “tapping that ass” on a regular basis for the better part of two years. The tapee, as it were, is Rielle Hunter, a woman devoid of experience and talent, yet still hired by Edwards to make “campaign films.” As it turns out the so-called “campaign films” featured Hunter engaging in adult situations with multiple members of the Edwards campaign, including John Edwards himself.

At a press conference Edwards held this morning after attending church with his wife Elizabeth, the former Senator and current douche bag announced that his relationship with Ms. Hunter was “purely sexual”. Edwards went on to say, “Elizabeth’s cancer is hard on me, she is rarely in the mood, so I’ve got to get some strange occasionally.” When asked if he was father of the child Hunter conceived recently, Edwards responded, “The whole [campaign] crew was tappin’ that, so there’s really no way of knowing without a [paternity] test.” In light of Hunter’s recent refusal to have the child’s DNA tested, Edwards suggested the child be referred to as the “Edwards Campaign Bastard” or perhaps hyphenating it and using that as its last name (e.g. John Edwards-Campaign-Bastard). At that point, Elizabeth Edwards, who was standing next to her husband, muttered something about John being “the only bastard that she knew.”

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