REM Please click on the 'play' button in Bernard's post before continuing I nearly missed it! END REM

>speak to Graham

"But pardon me King Graham" you say nodding towards The Prince of Shapier "if you already have the services of an experienced hero, why do you need me?"

Graham pulls you aside to speak privately "because the Prince is a good warrior but he's erm.. not too gifted in the brain department, well actually he's as thick as two short planks & has no idea where to start looking for my family, so I was hoping you could help with that. Besides, aren't 2 heroes better than 1?"

"I see" you say "but, I need to find my friends first, I wonder where they are? The dwarves promised to take us all South to Glinda's after their performance"

"But you said you would help me first!" Graham says indignantly as he stamps his foot. "Your friends must be on their way South with the dwarves, can't you look for them afterwards? Then Prince Shapier can take you to this Glinda's on his carpet."

"No" you say "at least one of my younger friends has powers that we may need if you want my help, also they can't go anywhere or do anything without me...........oh, no!" As the realization dawns on you, you are suddenly horrorstruck.

Meanwhile.......emanating from the depths of a black vortex in the midst of nowhere is a faint chorus of what sounds like 'where's the player....... where's the player ..... heeelp .....heeelp'.

Graham, on seeing your distress, sighs & says concededly "Okay, is there anything I can do?"

At that moment a huge mass of swirling black cloud suddenly appears in the sky & starts to descend into the midst of a glade about 100 yards away, gradually becoming clearer as it nears the ground.

"Thank you King Graham" you say "I think you have already done it!, I will be back shortly". With that you run towards the glade.

Just at the point you enter the clearing, you see the band of dwarves sitting on their Harleys, the 3 children & your 5 other friends all tumble to the ground as the last wisp of the cloud disappears. They all seem pretty shaken up but thankfully not hurt.

A few moments later, on suddenly seeing you, after the dwarves have extracted themselves from their bikes & the others have straightened themselves up, Pepe Le Pew says angrily "where did you go.." everyone else now starts to shout at you.... "yeah, we thought you'd written us out of the game"....."why did you leave us, you know without your parsers we're dead" ......

"I'm sorry" you say "it wasn't me, but I came back for you all & I'm so glad to see you ". You look so upset & sound so sincere you are instantly forgiven, but you are now a little puzzled & ask the dwarves "surely you shouldn't be here, the story said that you were on your way to the next gig?" "Aah", says one of them "but we made a promise & because we intended to keep to it, storyline or not, we had to join everyone else in the archives!".

You realise how kind & noble the dwarves are. You thank them & after explaining that you have agreed to help Sir Graham first you ask for a rain cheque on the promise. One of the dwarves hands you a cheque & a rattle which makes the noise of clinking gold. "Just wetten the cheque & rattle this rattle when you are ready for a ride to Glinda's". With that the members & roadies of Full Metal Throttle say their goodbyes, climb on to their now very sooty bikes & roar off down the road.

>Talk to Mia. "we know King Graham needs help but what did you mean earlier on when you said he is is not as he seems?" "Well" she says "his presence completely drained me of my body heat, I think he may be a 'spirit' from a different time zone".

While you are pondering this Dirk suddenly pipes up "that could make sense. If Graham is trapped here in the present that would explain why his family weren't still under the bell jar". At that you suddenly remember the photo you took with the tearlike streak. Could that be a time split. >Show photo to Dirk. "What do you think?"Dirk scratches his head "It certainly looks like one. I think possibly that the answer to the whereabouts of Graham's family lies in Mordack's castle, there must be another timesplit somewhere, if it's not in there, there must at least be some documentation about what happened the last time Graham's castle was seized to give us some clues. If we are to help Graham we need to find the other timesplit to either bring his family to the present or send him back to the past"

You & your friends now make your way out of the glade to join Graham & the prince at the front of the castle.

REM Thanks Chrissie, I had missed it, probably because I don't have Bernard's obviously comprehensive knowledge of modern music. Thanks to Bernard for a great sideways reference /REM

You all hurry back to Graham and the Prince

>speak to Graham

You explain to Graham and the Prince the theory proposed by Mia and Dirk. He considers the idea and says "Yes that could be right, but the timesplit we are looking for is only 10 years ago, which when is this nightmare last happened. I think you have confused Mordack's castle with mine. As you say this one has been his for 300 years. Last time around I got my castle back as well as the family. This time the castle is still back there in Daventy, but he has Valenice, Alexander, and Rosella. Perhaps you are right and we should explore the castle thoroughly, especially as he doesn't seem to here at present. I just hope that evil black cat that was Mordack's brother Manannan before Alexander enchanted him is not still alive. Let's see what the hero thinks.

>speak to the Prince

"Will there be any monsters, spirits, demons, or wraiths to fight" he asks. You exchange significant glances with Graham. You also breathe a private sigh of relief that if there are any nasties in there, which seems very likely, you now know who to push out in front. In fact it seems you have a willing volunteer who won't even need pushing. The Prince adds "now we all seem to be friends undertaking the same Quest you can call me Ant, it's short for Antony.

> go in castle

You are all in the entrance hall of Mordack's castle

REM I am going to have to print at least some of this out. I currently have lost track of both who exactly are in the party, and what's in the inventory /REM

REM hope this might help Frances. Please let me know anyone if I've missed or misinterpreted anything END REMInventory:Empty oilcanLatin-English dictionaryEmpty clay jugHandheld AG consol with internet access & cameraCrowbar with corrupt emerald attached (has powers that can be wielded by Mia but needs to be used with a 2nd compatible emerald to be used properly)Axtec-like statue of young woman with one emerald eye missingHandbag full of rancid butter.Magnifying glassTape measureSilver compact with mirror, powder & padTripodRed worn down lipstickOrange feather boaOrange satin glovesHero's knifeGraham's ivory horn (blow through this to call him when he's not around)Rain cheque & rattle (wetten the cheque & rattle the rattle to make sound of clinking gold to call dwarves for ride to Glinda's)

Main characters:YOU, the player seeking to rid yourself of the crown (now a cone) & to find the whereabouts of Le Bistro á L'Aztec

PÉPÉ LE PEW, a smelly cat-like creature, with a white stripe along his tail, seeking a cure for B.O. (please don't refer to him as a s---k as it upsets him)

LORD O'SCARS, an automation who is seeking a complete make-over but has just had a 'boiling oil' treatment, so very happy.

MICHAEL, a scarecrow seeking a bird resistant coating & a new nose.

CAPTAIN HAMISH WEE DIRK, captain of the Starship Bentbutflise which is hovering in space, waiting for him to get some new uniforms. He is wearing a long legged green leotard & has got some for his crew (which are in a suitcase left with the Whizzer). He was seeking matching boots & hats to complete the uniforms but Becky has since hacked into game files & it looks like his Logic Officer Sock (wherever he is) is now seeking new uniforms too. Sock is his 1st Officer & has green skin & pointy ears. Other members of his crew, still onboard, include Navigator Tickov, Engineer Spotty & communications officer Lieutenant O'Hairy - she is looking forward to a vacation in Amsterdam soon.

The five of you so far have been to see the Whizzer who would only grant you everything you were seeking if you went on a quest to subdue a giant 'terrorising' his domain. You had to leave most of your inventory items with him as security. Most of it was junk anyway but included a pair of silver slippers & a suitcase full of leotards for Dirk's crew. (Junk includes purple cashmere sweater, bottle of washing up liquid, DVD - how to be like Antonio Banderas (Pépé's), dangly earrings, diamond ring).... wait a minute... diamond ring? That's not junk!

NERO BEAMBAR turned out to be the 'giant' except he's not really, he just has enormous feet. He was suffering from a 'perspective' disorder which made him look larger & larger the farther away he was. He's now cured. His home is Beambar Mansion on the top of Mount Ixnay.

The 3 children were met on route to Beambar Mansion. You find out later that they were ordered by the Whizzer to help with your quest (without knowing what it was) i.e. subdue Beambar but Mia ends up helping him.MIA (short for Lamia) is a witch. Her speciality is creating fire but has some other powers.CASSIE (short for Occasus) is her sister. We're not sure yet whether she has any powers.MAL (short for Maleficus) The brother shocked everyone when he was able to lift & throw Lord O'Scars using telekinesis in a fit of rage when the children were about to be accused of being the Whizzer's servants by him.

After curing Nero Beambar you would have been on your way back to the Whizzer to have your wishes granted but the children, on discovering that he has possession of the silver slippers & told you that it could be very very bad if he finds out how to use their power, have convinced you that the only way to deal with this is to awaken Glinda the 'wicked witch' of Quadling Country. You are not sure whether you trust the children or not but trust them more than the Whizzer who has replaced someone else? The children have mentioned their mother a few times so they do have one.Tip: Make sure if you decide to go & see the Whizzer again that you are not carrying a walkthrough.

You end up at Mordack's castle after being invited by the dwarves, as special guests to attend their Command Performance there. They promise to give you a ride to Glinda's place afterwards but you bump into a frantic man needing some help. You can call on the dwarves when you are ready to go South.

KING GRAHAM OF DAVENTRY Many years ago Mordack seized his castle in Daventry, which has since been reclaimed, & kidnapped his wife Valenice, son Prince Alexander (husband of Princess Casima of the Green Isles) & daughter Princess Rosella (wife of Prince Edgar) Mordack brought them to his castle & hid them under a bell jar in a lab just behind the cellar. King Graham, the frantic man, has just discovered they are not there & wants your help to find them. He is strangely attired in medieval like clothes.

CEDRIC a wise mechanical owl. Has an acting career on the side doing commercials.

ANT (short for Prince Antony of Shapier) A young hero recruited by Graham, although he's not very bright he has some impressive credentials. Has two cute little furry pets & likes to get around on his flying carpet.

Mia thinks that Graham is a 'spirit' from a different time zone as his presence makes her icy cold. Also a photo you have on your Games Consol shows a streak that you've identified as a time split. You thought that the time split was between 300 yearsago & the present time due to a glitch in chrissie's brain. This has now been re-booted. (If it hasn't helped a patch may be needed.) The times split now seems to only span 10 years. You are about to explore Mordack's castle to either look for another time split or find some documentation to help you find it's location in order to reunite Graham with his family.

Because of Becky's file hacking mentioned earlier with Logic Officer doing a mind meld & stepping in for him we don't know whether Mordack's still around & if not, who Full Metal Throttle performed to last night. Also, Mordack's evil brother Manannan may be around in the form of a black cat. So take care!

Oh, not to forget, there might be a drunken goose waddling around called Perry.

One last thing, if you have any technical problems please refer to Bernard's & Demosthenes' posts on page 30. Be sure that you do not have mad-aware installed on your PC or at least make sure it is well & truly disabled.

REM Well, Becky, they're related to something in some way we haven't discovered yet.

It's probably not much longer until that particular cat is let out of its bag--whether I let it slip or someone else does. It's not exactly an easy puzzle, but all the necessary clues are in place now, and I've never known this community to let a puzzle stymie them for long.

Google will hand you one third of the answer on a silver platter, but the other two thirds are based on looser definitions and will probably require a more directed approach. If you rely entirely on Google, expect a lot of red herrings.

You return to the scene of the recent performance. Officer Sock has disappeared, as have all of the plaid curtains. For the first time, you notice a small door in the back of the stage. On it is a sign with backwards lettering on it.

>Use silver compact with mirror on sign with backwards lettering.

The sign reads: “Exit to Backwards Gift shop.”

>Open door.

The door closes more tightly.

>Close door.

The door opens. You get down on hands and knees and crawl inside what seems to be a dumb waiter.

>Use dumb waiter.

The dumb waiter sits there. You hear a sound surprisingly like that of a wooden dumb waiter blowing a raspberry.

>Don’t use dumb waiter.

The dumbwaiter shoots upwards several stories, and dumps you out onto the floor of a tower room.

Near the top of the room are colorful stained glass windows. The west window reveals the image of knights jousting. The north window shows a white house in a field with a mail box. And the east window is an image of synchronized swimmers as shown from the angle at the bottom of a pool.

Under each of the windows are shelves and shelves of merchandise.

To the west are shelves of swords, armor, shields and lances. There’s also a poster showing a ragtag group of knights, some missing limbs, and a few missing their heads. At the bottom of the poster are the words: “Liverpool United: We put the Pun in Punishment.”

To the north are shelves of video games, topped by a sign that says: “Trade in your new games for used!”

To the east are shelves of all kinds of balls, skates, uniforms, bats, etc. There’s also a wide screen TV showing endless video replays of sporting events in slow motion, backwards.

In the room’s center, is a black cat wearing alligator-skin boots, a hat with a feather and an impish expression. “Let the games end,” says the cat.

>Talk to cat.

YOU STILL DON”T GET IT?

Well, I would say “don’t talk to cat,” but that’s not really ‘backwards.’ That’s ‘opposite.’”

>YOU’RE A PHILOSOPHER? OR WORSE -- AN ENGLISH MAJOR?

Don’t talk to cat.

“I am not searching for the family of King Graham of Daventry, O Ugly Canine,” you begin.

“The family of King Graham never lived here under a bell jar,” says the cat. “But an old family retainer did not come and rescue them. Do you not seek them in the past or in the future?”

“Your persistence will not be rewarded,” says the cat. “They have lived unhappily for almost a decade while not keeping a tavern, which was not purchased for them by their unheroic butler Rhett. You can miss them at any time by not using this device.” He hands you a silver wire around a plastic pink mold shaped like the roof of a mouth.

>Think! Where would you find a butler-like person named Ttehr. Just a minute, he's not talking backwards, he's talking opposites. Mmmm., names don't have opposites so he must mean the name he said 'Rhett' & ah ha! we met someone called that in the Ducks Head tavern.

No,no,no, this is far too easy, but wait just another minute! There was a beautiful lady called Rosie serving the drinks there. Graham's daughter is called Rosella, could they be one & the same you wonder. The only way to find out is to go back to the tavern but how? You will have to go back through the woods guarded by the Whizzers Peeper's (nasty birds with big beaks) & somehow get across that river again or perhaps there's another way.

>Examine wire retainer. It's a plastic pink mold shaped like the roof of a mouth.

>Recount cat's words "You can miss them at any time by not using this device" Translation 'you cannot hit those at a specific non-time by using that device that isn't one'. It doesn't make sense.

"And that's a good thing, too," says the retainer. "Yuck! You're supposed to ask me for help, not swallow me!"

"Oh," you say, nonplussed. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" asks the retainer in a hurt voice. "You think just because I'm an inanimate object I don't have FEELINGS? You think 'sorry' is good enough?"

"Well, actually," you admit, "until five seconds ago I never considered the possibility a retainer would have feelings."

"Oh, of course," the retainer retorts. "You're walking around with an animated tin man, a noseless freak, a talking skunk, the slightly brain-dead captain of a starship, and three meddlesome witchspawn, and yet you're surprised to find a talking piece of plastic? In case you've forgotten, you don't even have a NAME." The retainer slowly lapses into embarassed silence as it realizes it has, perhaps, said too much. After a few moments have passed, the retainer starts speaking again, sounding slightly abashed.

"Look: as you can see i don't have much mobility on my own here, so about all I can give you is advice. But I do have some pretty handy magical abilities, and if you promise to take me along on your travels, I might even prove useful to you. Just...don't go trying to eat me again, okay?"

"Agreed."

>Ask retainer for advice

You hear a whirring noise as the retainer kicks its prognostication charm into overdrive. After a while a small scrap of paper flutters to the ground. It looks like it belongs in a fortune cookie.

>Read fortune

The fortune says: "Do not use while operating heavy machinery."

>Argh.

I don't understand "Argh."

>Ask retainer what we should do next.

Another fortune appears. It reads: "Oz helps those who help themselves."

>Are all his fortunes this obtuse?

Read the whole fortune, dummy.

>Turn fortune over

The other side of the fortune reads: "Your lucky numbers are: YOU'RE STANDING IN A ROOM FULL OF STUFF. SEARCH FOR SOMETHING USEFUL ALREADY. AND WHY ISN'T ANYONE SPEAKING IN OPPOSITES ANYMORE? 31 41 59 26 53 59

>I was getting confused. And search the room, darnit.

Your search eventually turns up a kite, a wig, three lima beans, a dusty bottle containing a small amount of olive oil, and the intercostal clavicle of a brontosaurus.

>There's no such thing.

Pardon?

>There's no such thing as an "intercostal clavicle."

Well, there's no such thing as a "brontosaurus," either, so that's all right then, in't it.