Now that I have found your blog, I feel that my parenting questions can finally be adequately answered.

My children want toys. I don’t believe in toys for children. Children should learn how to help around the house, not play around the house. How can i quash their desire for unproductive entertainment tools such as toys?

Funny that you don’t believe in toys for children, because I don’t believe in children being children. I believe in children being employees. Children are born for two reasons: 1) I can’t really think of a first one – fulfillment? revenge? and 2) to harvest my crops. Unfortunately not many of us live on farms anymore, and all sorts of laws have been created to prevent kids from earning their keep, so instead of kids making their parents vacation money by working long days at hard jobs, now they cost us money and cause us aggravation. Toys, at least, are a welcome way to keep them out of your hair. I understand your frustration with “unproductive entertainment tools,” but no one said toys need to be fun. They don’t even need to really be toys. Children are stupid. My goofy son thinks the broom and dustpan are shitloads of fun, so I just let him keep thinking that all the way to a cleaner house. Replace that fake bubble vacuum with a real one and put that kid to work!

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried:

I really don’t care what you write, say or think. You are just one of a million copy-cat bloggers that are trying to “find their way in life”. Good luck at that and winning the lottery.

– I Hate You

Dear I Hate You,

Thanks for writing! You sound really well-adjusted, so I’m not sure why you’re seeking advice from me. Perhaps you think I’ve copy-catted your blog? Can’t really say as I don’t know what your blog is. Maybe you are looking for information on the Rush song “Finding My Way?” I assure you Wikipedia or AllMusic or my friend Patrick is a better source for that kind of stuff. Maybe you are hoping I’ll win the lottery and share some with you? Well, a) I don’t gamble and b) I’ve already won, with readers like you! Thanks for checking in, next time include some swears. Asshole.

No hard feelings!

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Please direct all questions, comments, hate mail, death threats and accolades to the Parental Advisories page, to ensure that I receive them and can respond accordingly. Jerkweed!