Britain urged to get beaten-up under the stars

BRITAIN should embrace the wonder of being assaulted by starlight, experts have claimed.

Combines nicely with the taste of your own blood

Astronomers claim streetlights are preventing the country from enjoying the majesty of the cosmos while some tattooed drunken lunatic rains down blow after blow.

Dr Nathan Muir, from Roehampton University, said: “The recent alignment of Venus and Jupiter has reignited interest in astronomy and made people realise that the only thing stopping them from becoming amateur star-gazers is their fear of that malevolent figure lurking in the dark.

“Yes, there probably is a horribly violent bastard waiting just around the corner but the chances are he will probably stop punching you for a few moments while you both contemplate the celestial poetry of Ursa Major.”

He added: “If we turned off the lights we could enjoy such wonderful evenings together under the stars, as long as we wear ear plugs to block out the terrified screams and the constant sirens.

“We should now scrap the national streetlight budget and use the money to pay for accident and emergency treatment, victim support and telescopes.”

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “An incident-free walk home under a pale orange sky or the shimmering of Orion’s Belt and the hot breath of a maniac?