8 Fictional Videogame Products We Would Totally Buy IRL

Videogames are full of gadgets, weapons, powers and all-around awesome stuff that we wish existed in real life. Some of these powers can't be bought and sold: You can't go to Wal-Mart and buy the Master Sword. But in some game worlds, consumerism rules.

The Grand Theft Auto games in particular are notorious for their in-game advertisements for fictional products. Every billboard and radio wave is home to an advertisement shilling some parody version of a real-world product. To be sure, when Grand Theft Auto Vlaunches this fall, it will bring with it a whole new multitude of wonderfully inappropriate fictional product advertisements.

But it's not just GTA. Here are eight products from a variety of games that, were they available to purchase in real life, we'd shell out for.

Above:

Alco Patch, Grand Theft Auto 4

Among all the hundreds of fake products in the GTA games, the Alco Patch is the one we want most. Sure, its intended use — like its nicotine counterpart — is to help ditch a bad habit, but just think how much easier boozing on the sly would be if you could just slap on a patch. To hell with $10 Solo cups of Coors at the ballpark!

"Blasto 6: Partners In Crime," Mass Effect 3

Tucked away in Mass Effect 3 is an advertisement for "Blasto 6: Partners in Crime," a new (fake) movie illustrating the exploits of Blasto, the galaxy's first Hanar Spectre, purveyor of such catchphrases as "Enkindle THIS!" and known for having "a lover in every port and a gun in every tentacle."

The animated billboard lets you view roughly 10 minutes of dialog from the flick, making us wish oh-so-much for the full-length feature.

Cosmic Knife, Fallout: New Vegas

In the Fallout universe, the Cosmic Knife was "too sharp for its own good," slicing through cutting boards and the phalanges of clumsy chefs with minimal effort. But who cares about safety concerns? This bad boy's precision-forged blade and space-age materials means no more sharpening stones — or struggling with the holiday roast beast — ever again.

LaseRazor, Monday Night Combat

As we all know, in the shaving world, the more blades the better. Mach 5 beats the Mach 3. So six blades must be even better than that. And what's better than six blades? Six laser blades.

LaseRazor is "the only razor with six quantum plasma lasers for maximum comfort, patented all-terrain pivot and new ShaveIce gel pack cartridge and handy applicator for an avalanche of foamy frozen comfort, to help you turn that sandpaper into silk, anytime."

Interfectum 600mg, Max Payne 3

A serious painkiller for serious pain, when Advil isn't enough.

Screengrab: WIRED

Personal Hygienator, Ratchet and Clank

Whether it's unwanted hair, a painful itching in your nether regions, or an unidentifiable stink, the Gadgetron Personal Hygienator is there for all your personal hygiene needs. So long, showers!

Sentry Turret, Portal

Yeah, we know most Portal fans would rather have a Weighted Companion Cube. But those are for sale in real life, and they do exactly what they do in the game: Nothing. No, if we could buy anything, it would be a gen-yoo-wine Aperture Science sentry turret, for all your home security/crippling loneliness needs. It talks; it shoots — what more could you ask for?

Telekinesis Plasmid, BioShock

Okay, maybe it had a few fatal flaws here and there, but how awesome was Andrew Ryan's underwater utopia? If you lived in Rapture, you could just pop up to a vending machine and pick out a superpower. (Granted, the whole deal where you go insane if you use too many is less than ideal, but moderation is important in all things.) If we had to just pick one, telekinesis would be our splice of choice. After all, how else are we going to kill a yak from 200 yards away? Mind bullets, that's how.