It was really lovely to chat rather than text – whilst we understand each other fine via text, talking with him feels really comfortable. Gosh I talk way too much and I do feel like I need to be a better listener (how do you get people to talk?!).

I love the way TheMaster listens and challenges me, always in a respectful and gentle (sometimes playful) manner. It was uncanny that, during one of our conversations, he reinforced a lesson I’d been reminded of at work during the week by my boss – a reminder in letting go of things that don’t matter.

We chatted about what we’d been up to and he spoke of his weekend visit to my hometown, which I posted about when questioning mindfuckery. His trip had been to take his sons to a sports match that was on in my town, so quite understandable that there was zero chance of saying hi and I’m sure he didn’t even think I would be annoyed at his casual mention of having been here.

Being more objective is definitely something that has been a big learning for me in recent years. Having been raised in such turbulence with constant fight or flight situations, I am typically quick to interpret and react – as this was a need to keep me safe growing up. This ingrained behaviour doesn’t serve me as well in adulthood.

With my recent learnings in letting go and practicing non-attachment, I was definitely less shitty than I might have been in the past but it was good to have the reminder to be objective!

I have professed my love of this writer’s way with words a few times before – so much of what she writes truly resonates with me.

I just read one of her latest articles today and it articulates much of what I have come to feel is true for me recently.

I have come to realise that whilst I do love Husband and we have created some amazing memories together…….I believe that I fell in love with him out of ‘ego’ – very much with my head. Sure, there was an element of heart there and there is certainly much that I admire and love about him still……but it’s never been a soulful love. The paragraph I’ve highlighted below very much resonates with my recent realisations.

It’s been said that we never love in the same way twice. While that’s true because each person is different and so is the way in which we care about them, what it boils down to is: Do we love them with our head or with our heart?

This isn’t an issue of one way being preferable over another, but there are differences in authenticity, longevity, and depth that each just naturally exudes.

It seems that for many of us our first—or first few—loves are based more in our heads than our hearts. It’s not to say that we don’t actually feel genuine love for them, but it’s usually a logical love, even if it is profound.

For many of us, as we age we don’t really grow up, but rather grow out of the boxes that we either were placed in as children or placed ourselves in to conform. When we’re young and not yet developed into our authentic selves, we tend to believe that love is a choice of convenience and reason.

We chose partners based on what we felt we wanted or needed, and to help fulfill the role that we believed we had to live up to in society—and perhaps we even felt that we were happy.

It’s a love that makes sense, that doesn’t challenge our place in the world, and through our decisions, we fulfill the roles that we feel compelled to.

Loving with our head may even be satisfying—but it’s not soul-enriching.

Very often, we will believe ourselves to be content because our ego is comfortable in that love. It knows what to expect, and it feels good because others approve of our path and the partner that we have chosen to stand with in this life.

Our hearts tend to grow into love with someone who will help us question our own lives and belief systems—the type of person who will, through our own experiences with them, help propel us further along our own paths of self-development…..

Since TheMaster revealed his marital woes to me four-weeks ago, I have been conscious of honouring myself and taking time for my own space as well as just letting him be.

In that time, we’ve had a couple of very sporadic chats including one that resulted in him over-reacting which he apologised for the next evening. It was after he made a seemingly off-the-cuff comment of “You have quite a strong feeling for me, don’t you“, to which I replied “You’re asking me this via text??“. TheMaster later responded “Never mind”, to which I said “Why never mind?“. I was annoyed by this exchange and shared my annoyance with a friend who retorted that he was being ‘a twat’.

Being that he called himself ‘an arse’ not that long ago, in recognition of his occasional arse-like ways, I didn’t think it would be an issue to share with him that my friend had called him a twat. Long story short, he got quite shitty about being called a twat and mouthed off incessantly (all via Messenger text) – which I recognised as something deeper going on for him so I just let him be. In apologising for his over-reaction the next evening, he confirmed that he wasn’t okay but wasn’t up for talking. In respecting that, I asked him to let me know he was okay sometime as I do worry about him – to which he responded with a ‘thumbs up’ emoji.

A few days later I sent him a note checking in, I inquired if he had been enjoying the book I’d sent him and asked if he had time to chat but he replied saying he needed head space. I completely understood and respected this, and left him be once again. This was one week ago.

Yesterday, TheMaster sent me a message commenting that “Well, that was a fucking cold weekend!” to which I responded quizzingly (as where he lives is quite warm compared to my hometown). He later replied that he had been in my hometown over the weekend. Just a simple statement, just like that.

I don’t quite know what his intention was by telling me this in such a way. I get that we all perceive things differently to others and perhaps my interpretation was not what he intended.

Was it to display his lack of care for me? Or perhaps he simply didn’t think it would affect me to tell me – after the fact – that he had been in my hometown for the weekend? Trying to bring me down from my acknowledgement of having strong feelings for him?

Well whatever his intention was, I will acknowledge that it hurt a little. Despite being calm in my response, replying,”I see. Well, yes it was great fucking weather” (that was a literal ‘fucking’ by the way – TheMaster and I often speak of ‘fucking weather’ in jest), I will admit it hurt to know he had been so close but didn’t want to let me know nor try to even see me to say hi. I get that perhaps he couldn’t say hi due to whatever circumstances, but such actions seem to speak volumes to me – although that is my view at present, which I am happy to be challenged on.

Such events reinforce to me that I need to continue honouring myself, my truth – do things that are true for me and are not influenced by others.

So, on that note…..standby whilst I continue to balance my throat chakra and prepare to open the gate….

I just came across this verse that I absolutely loved as a child. I may have been a tween. I remember having it written out somewhere and I loved reading it……but somewhere along the way I had totally forgotten about it.

….I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

❤

Somewhere….in between seeking comfort and safety from the trauma I was raised in, I feel like I perhaps lost myself. All of my maladapted behaviours made me fearful of speaking my truth, hearing my truth, being my truth.

I think I am well on my way to finding it again….now to have the courage to speak it and let it out…

I could never have predicted the journey that I have been on over the last twelve months, yet it feels like where I am is exactly where I’m meant to be.

Well, I feel like I’m on my way to where I’m meant to be.

It does feel odd to say, as someone well into adulthood, but I can honestly say that I feel like I know who I am more than ever before.

So, who am I?

I love to fuck – call it sex, making love, fucking….whatever you wish to name it. I love all of the ecstasy and magic of the human body connecting with another. I don’t believe I need love for sex but I do love soul connections, energy vibrations….when you know someone is vibrating on your frequency. Love certainly does give sex a deeper experience, I don’t disagree with that.

I love all types of music – from indie pop, alternative & grunge; to 60s, 70s 80s & 90s; old school R’n’B, some newer stuff & the odd hip hop; jazz, funk, blues; the odd pop track & other songs I don’t even know what to class as. I love Latin American music, French pop & reggae. I love covers of songs in different styles from their original (i.e. Nirvana done in jazz style or Pop/dance covered in an acoustic a capella style). I love anything with interesting use of strings, xylophone or base.

I love dressing in different ways – girly, sexy, cute, casual. I do love lingerie too (hubby is a bit apathetic over it, but that’s his preference. I love it so, yes I will buy it and wear it). I am still finding my style a little. Sometimes I like to be dolled up, sometimes not. I can’t run around in heels as much as I used to and I’m certainly no fashionista but I’m okay with that. And no matter what I’m wearing, I am always prepared to get my hands dirty to do whatever is needed.

I am very much an INFJ, despite my initial reservations that this wasn’t me at all. Often quiet with those I am unsure of but bubbly and engaging with those I am comfortable with. I’m factual and analytical, which used to come across as judgemental (perhaps still does at times).

I do think a lot, so finding true silence recently has been quite the revelation for me – despite not being new to meditation and mindfulness. I never realised before that silence allows you to hear what is truly important – yourself, your truth, your intuition. If you can’t hear yourself, how do you know who you are? If you don’t know who you are, how can you love yourself? Although my grapples with self-love and self-acceptance do go deeper than my personality type, as I have touched on before.

I love learning new things and connecting with others. Especially with those vibrating on similar frequencies as me. I am ever so grateful for stumbling upon my (now) good friend Ava who inspired me to blog.

I’ve learned that if anyone has issues with who I am, what I like or what I do – this says more about them than it does about me. I am not what you think I am, you are what you think I am. What you see is what you reflect. I did ‘know’ this before but I feel like I’ve only really properly learnt this recently.

Anyone projecting negativity or unkindness requires the most love and compassion. I know this has been true for me – when I’m projecting shit it’s usually because I feel shit or am suffering in some way. Often suffering because of thoughts of my own making, my own projections or expectations. I can choose to hold on to this negativity or let it go.

Peace comes from presence. Be the love, in order to feel the love. Be the light and you will see the light, you will attract it. See abundance and you will have it.

Let go of questions or actions driven from the ego, what matters most is if you love yourself. Validation from others will never be enough if you don’t validate yourself.

It is only after fulfilling ourselves that we can truly spread loving-kindness and peace.

It’s not all hunky dory every day – there are most certainly ebbs and flows – but the veil of darkness and ignorance is lifting, and I am finding the light. I can hear myself more clearly. I am finding my way home. The times I undervalue myself and ignore my truth are becoming less frequent.

The universe works in mysterious ways indeed and I look forward to finding out what else is in store for me.