Do happy people live longer?

“If you wanna be happy for the
rest of your life, Never make a pretty woman your wife,” went the number
sung by Jimmy Soul in 1963. Was he correct? If you are happy, will you
really live longer? After much research, including clinical studies, the
researchers have the answers. Be happy and stay well. Be aggressive and get
heart attacks and cancer, and shorten your life correspondingly.
Now that does not mean that all happy folk live to be 100 and the misery
bags turn in their credit cards at age 45? No, but there is enough evidence
to show that your personality type influences the kinds of diseases you will
get later in life, and some of these can be very conclusive. And not just a
‘coronary conclusion’!
However, this research is really nothing new, it is more of a reinforcement
of previous knowledge. In the times of Hippocrates, the healers were
interested in the personality of the patient, because even then they felt
that this had a bearing on the disease process. This conclusion was reached
after observation of the patients. Observation was the great trait of the
great medical minds. We would not have developed many ‘cures’ if it were not
for the physicians who noted the deviations from the normal patterns in the
first place.
The combination of mind and body and disease is the basis for holistic
healing, and even though Hippocrates and his healers did not have all our
pharmaceutical treatments, wonderful tests and MRI’s, they did treat the
person, not just the disease.
So why do we fall ill in the first place? Is it a personal weakness, is it
just “lifestyle” or just plain bad luck? Since I am not a great believer in
“luck” be it good or bad, my leaning after many decades of medicine is
towards a type of personal “weakness”. After all, you can take two people
with the same lifestyle but one gets ill and the other does not. Why?
Simply, the sick person was more susceptible than the other - in some way
they had a pre-disposition or call it a “weakness”. Simplistic I know, but
it seems to fit.
So what factors seem to be involved in bringing about the pre-disposition?
Genetics are one, and do play an important part. If your parents are
diabetic then you will most likely have the problem too, but it is not
absolutely inescapable. The modern scientific studies with large numbers of
people have come up with interesting statistics. One famous researcher,
Eysenck, lumped us all into four main personality categories.
Type 1 have a strong tendency to suppress their emotions and tend towards
“hopelessness” and are unable to deal with personal stress.
Type 2 people, on the other hand, are also unable to deal with personal
stress, but react to life with anger and aggression.
Type 3 is less clear-cut with a mixture of all these personality traits.
Type 4 covers the optimistic and relaxed who deal much better with
interpersonal stress.
Using these broad categories and looking at disease profiles that each type
gets returned some amazing facts. Type 1 was the cancer prone group, Type 2
got heart disease, Type 3 got both while Type 4 people were not prone to
either cancer or heart disease. Can you see what’s coming next?
Eysenck did not stop there. He went on to show that when people modified
their personality they also modified their disease profile. When you think
about it, this is staggering stuff! By attention to your personality profile
you can modify your disease profile!
The most significant personality trait was “anger”. Learn to modify your
anger response (and this can be done) and you become less “at risk”. This is
approaching Buddhist philosophy and “jai yen yen” - but you can modify your
personality. That last sentence can make you live ten years longer, happier
and disease free. Forget all the wonder cures, just look at yourself first!
Hippocrates did more than say oaths!

Heart to Heart with Hillary

Dear Hillary,
Why do so many of your correspondents want to tear into the lovely
ladies of Thailand? I dislike the use of the word “prostitute” to
describe people who with limited education, try to maximize their
earning potential. These ladies sacrifice a lot to give their families a
better life than they would otherwise have. Could it be that when you
treat other people like dirt, those people then treat you like dirt
(what goes around comes around) and if they were better persons they
would have been treated with more respect by the ladies they complain
about ripping them off all the time?
My own experience is that you can meet and fall in love with a lady from
a bar. You can also be treated like a king and rest easy with the
feeling that you have found a long term partner. I have been with my
Thai wife now for some years and have been incredibly happy.
My own experience of a former falang wife was that she gave up work once
we were married and never expected to have to work again. She took more
money from me in a month than my Thai partner has taken in two years and
when we split up, she took everything else. I will take my chances with
a bar girl any day over a falang lady. With any woman you will have to
pay, one way or another. The Thai way is cheaper in the long run,
believe me, and all you guys out there, start thinking and stop whining.Satisfaction

Dear Satisfaction,
You’re not a Rolling Stone are you (“I can’t get no satisfaction” - 1965
Jagger and Richards, for all the music freaks). I agree that everyone is
better off looking on the bright side. Nobody forces you into
relationships, you drag yourself into them. Think about life and make
the best of it.

Dear Hillary,
I was driving up a small street and I saw that it had been blocked off.
I went to do a U-Turn and then noticed a motorcycle taxi coming up
behind me far too fast for the conditions. By the time he saw both me
and the barricade it was too late and he lost control of his bike and
slid sideways into the rear bumper of my car. My car had no damage and
he was not severely injured, just a few barked knuckles, and the
motorcycle only had a few scratches, but he demanded payment from me. As
I was in a hurry to get to an appointment, my Thai friend who was with
me said to offer him 500 baht and we eventually struck a deal at 1000
baht and that was it. What I don’t understand is why I had to pay
anything at all? He was going too fast and ran into me. Why should I pay
anything? It makes me angry.Confused and Angry

Dear Confused and Angry,
It is not quite as cut and dried as you are making out. Did you indicate
you were turning in the middle of the street? Remember that barricades
mean nothing to motorcycle taxi riders, who just swerve around them.
Certainly, you could have called the police and waited around and gone
to the station to make a report and allowed the nice policeman to
deliberate whether the poor little financially strapped taxi bike rider
was to blame, or the angry rich farang. There is also the viewpoint that
in any accident with two moving vehicles it is extremely rare to see one
100 percent in the right and the other 100 percent in the wrong. Could
the taxi bike afford to pay for his barked knuckles and the damage to
his bike? You would do better, my Petal, to consider it a donation which
allowed you not to have to waste several hours of your time. I believe
your Thai friend gave you good advice, but the choice is always yours.

Dear Hillary,
Whenever I go to any bar and a girl takes a shine to me it all seems to
end in frustration. I buy her a drink, have a chat, pay for her to come
with me, show her my lovely house, which is far better than anything she
would be used to, coming from Isan. Afterwards, she has a shower,
demands payment and skeedaddles. What I want is some nice friendly
cuddles, but I’m not getting it. What’s the drill, Hillary?Frustrated Freddie

Dear Frustrated Freddie,
Sounds to me that you’re the one with a drilling problem, my Petal.
After re-reading your letter, I have come to the opinion that you are
far too self centered for any relationship with a woman, paid or
otherwise. So you have a nice house. The ladies of the night have
probably seen every penthouse in town, which will be better than your
“lovely house”. There is also the fact that you appear to me to have a
fairly high opinion of yourself, so perhaps it is the girls’ way of
bringing your ego down to size, after they’ve brought the other bits of
you down to size too, if you get my drift. Finally, have you ever
stopped to consider that perhaps you are just a lousy lay?

Camera Class: by Harry Flashman

Contre Jour - another French deviation?

Unfortunately for those of British stock derivation, the French
were first into photography, so I suppose they are entitled to
give us photographic terms such as ‘Contre Jour’ (literally
‘against the light’).
However, most photographers (French included) seem to be a
little in awe of Contre Jour photography, and stick to the old
maxim of having the light source (generally the sun) coming from
behind the photographer. If you do this, you will be assured of
a reasonable, but ordinary photograph, which will record your
friend at the beach, and otherwise be totally unmemorable.

The
light meter totally fooled.

No, if you want something a little better, it is time for
‘Contre Jour’. The only difficulty with back-lighting, which is
the other (English) name for ‘Contre Jour’ is in getting the
correct exposure. Going back to the analogy of the girl on the
beach, when you take a full-length shot, the person takes up
around 15 percent of the image in the viewfinder. So 85 percent
of the shot is not really wanted, but from the camera’s point of
view, that 85 percent will predominate in the exposure meter’s
electronic brain.
Now I know that better cameras have ‘center-weighting’ etc etc
etc, but unless you have ‘spot’ metering, the overall exposure
decided by the camera will be an average of the bright back
light and the shadowed subject in the front. This will give you
a dark subject, or even so far as a silhouette, in front of a
well exposed background (in this case, the beach).
With today’s automatic exposure cameras you must understand that
it doesn’t know what it is that you are photographing. It
doesn’t know that the person’s face in the picture is the most
important item. All the camera’s brain can see is a mixture of
bright lights and dark areas and it will give you an exposure to
try and equalize these out. Unfortunately, in conditions of high
contrast in the tropical sun, or back lit, the camera reaches
its limitations and the end result will be underexposure of the
part of the photograph you want. It’s not the camera’s fault -
it just means you have to get smarter.
There are a few ways you can demonstrate your ‘smarts’, and the
simplest is by selective metering. You want the subject to be
correctly exposed, so walk in close to the subject, so the
person fills the frame, and note the exposure values. Now go to
the manual mode in the camera, set the aperture and shutter
speed as per the noted values, then walk back and compose the
shot. The subject person will be correctly exposed against a
bright background. Great shot!
Another one of these methods is by fill-in flash. Fortunately,
these days many compacts and SLR’s do have the fill-in flash
mode built in, but many of you do not use it - or even realize
that you have this facility! If you have it - then use it.
Now, for those of you who have the whole kit and caboodle - an
SLR with an off-camera flash, this section is for you. The whole
secret of fill-in flash revolves around flash synchronization
speed. Some of the very latest, and expensive cameras will
synchronize flash and shutter speed all the way through to
1/2000th of a second or better, but the average SLR will
probably say that the synch speed is 1/125th or even only 1/60th
and it is this figure which drives the exposure setting.
Take note of the exposure settings from the position from which
you are going to take the photograph. Now set the off-camera
flash to around the f-stop indicated by the camera’s exposure
meter. In other words, if the camera is going to use f5.6, then
try two shots - one with the flash on f4 and the other on f5.6.
Flashes are notoriously unreliable as to their exact setting,
but by taking the two shots, one will be OK, and the other will
be perfect. A correctly exposed subject against a correctly
exposed background.
The third method is to meter for the entire scene and use a
reflector to lift the exposure on the subject.
Brush up on your French and try ‘Contre Jour’ this weekend.

Money Matters: Paul Gambles MBMG International Ltd.

Practicing the Golden Rule is not a sacrifice;
it is an investment

Part 2

By the mid-1930s, the West was
really suffering. In many countries, manufacturing was down by half and a third
of the population was unemployed and things had still not bottomed out.
Countries had to increase the supply of money and stop the decline in prices.
Most governments elected to debase against gold in order to increase money
supply. In September 1931, the U.K. was the first country by devaluing GBP
against gold by 52%. The U.S. followed suit and devalued the USD by 70% against
gold.
Does all of this sound familiar? Well, it should also be noted that the first
gold bull market in the modern fiat money system took place between 1931 and
1934, when the world economy was at the bottom of the Great Depression and price
deflation. After WWII, the world adopted the Bretton Woods which, basically, was
a ‘gold-linked’ system with the USD being the intermediary.
Post war politics also intervened in a big way. Most Western democracies only
have a four year election cycle. With the politicians trying to prove how good
they were this brought about massive problems both socially and economically.
Inflation and credit was the easiest way out for those with a limited horizon.
However, it was bound to come back and bite those in charge and this is why
there was a crisis of confidence in the USD in the early 1970s. This led to
central banks swapping USD for gold which, in turn, ate into the US reserves of
gold. In 1971, Nixon basically de-linked the USD from gold and allowed the USD
to float. In reality, this ended Bretton Woods and gold prices shot up by almost
400% against the USD. There was also massive inflation. Investors ran to gold to
preserve what they had against inflation and hedge against any further drop in
USD value. So, whilst the first gold bull run was due to deflation the second
one was because of inflation.
Gold was very volatile in the late seventies and peaked out in the early 1980s.
There was then a twenty year bear market on the precious metal. There are
various reasons for this but one of them was that inflation in the 1990s
continued to fall and so gold was not needed as a hedge. People no longer needed
it and good old Gordon Brown et al decided to sell gold when it was at its
lowest price in years. In 1999 it was down at USD252 per ounce. What they failed
to notice was that the third major bull market was about to begin.
This latest bull is very different to the one in the seventies and eighties,
especially as inflation has been very low in the last ten years. Amongst other
things, this is mainly due to over-supply and deflation. The Asian Crisis, the
Dot.com crash and the current nightmare has driven inflation and interest rates
down dramatically. Whilst this deflationary environment has emerged, the gold
bull market has unfolded.
It can be argued that the continuous running of the printing presses by Western
central banks raised the probability of inflation and this has led to people
buying gold as a hedge against more inflation. The problem with this is that the
inflation-swap market gives good indications that it will not exceed 1% to 3%
for the next few years and they expect it to get even lower before the end of
the year. It is just not consistent to say the gold market is expecting
inflation when the bond market is reckoning on deflation or low inflation.
The real question is how long will the present bull market in gold last - given
a low/zero inflation situation we now have. The best way to answer this is to
look at the fundamentals of a gold market.
Given the scenario above, there are three main factors that have to be
considered.
1. What is the investment demand for gold? This has been the prime reason for
volatility in the gold market. Demand for gold is because it is still thought of
as a kind of currency and so the price of gold is heavily influenced by:
a) How much newly printed money comes out into the market
b) The level of interest rates
c) The value of other assets
d) The safe haven status of gold
2. What is the demand for gold as a commodity? In reality, this is down to the
jewelry trade. China, India and the Middle East have all had a large demand for
gold in recent years and this is for decorative purposes as opposed to purely
investment.
3. What is the effect of the US dollar? The reason for this is that gold is
usually rated in USD and large fluctuations in the USD will affect the value of
gold.
The easiest of these to deal with is jewelry. This is because it is affected by
the income of the family. When the wage earners are doing well then the demand
for necklaces, rings, etc., goes up. When they are not doing well then the
demand drops. This is basically income sensitive.
The demand for gold as an investment is far more difficult to assess. This, more
than anything else, governs the price of gold. There are many things to consider
and these also do change over time. The fascinating question is what is driving
it today? In the past it was the possibility of inflation. This is no longer the
case and has not been for quite some time. There is much evidence to show that
massive printing of money has affected the value of gold.
On top of this, the Marshallian K (MK) also must be considered. MK is the
money-relative-to GDP ratio. The MK has increased rapidly over the last nine
years which shows that the central banks have been trying to use reflation to
fight deflation. This increasing ratio has coincided with gold going up in
value.
To be continued…

The above data and research was compiled from
sources believed to be reliable. However, neither MBMG International Ltd
nor its officers can accept any liability for any errors or omissions in
the above article nor bear any responsibility for any losses achieved as
a result of any actions taken or not taken as a consequence of reading
the above article. For more information please contact Paul Gambles on
[email protected]

Let's Go To The Movies: Mark Gernpy

Mark GernpyOscar season is over at Major Cineplex! On to car crashes and
katoeys. I hope you enjoyed while you could Revolutionary Road, The
Reader, The Wrestler,
and Milk. Many thanks to Major Cineplex for bringing these films
to Chiang Mai.

Now playing in Chiang
Mai

Fast & Furious 4: US,
Action – Vin Diesel and Paul Walker reteam for the ultimate chapter of this
film franchise built on speed and exotic cars, which started in 2001 with
The Fast and the Furious, an unexpected hit movie. Although this is the
fourth of the series, time-wise it fits in between the second and the third
films, and is thus not a sequel and not a prequel but (a new
word for you) an interquel. It’s almost entirely about car races and
car crashes. Look, there are some who like that! Early reviews are
generally negative.

The Shinjuku Incident /Xin Su shi jian: China, Action/ Drama – Featuring Jackie Chan in a
dramatic rather than a fighting mode. This troubled project has been in the
planning stages for almost 10 years according to director Derek Yee. And
now it seems the film will not be exhibited in mainland China at all, due to
censorship concerns over the portrayal of Chinese living abroad, which will
really hurt the financial prospects for this film, China being Chan’s
biggest market. Shown here in a Thai-dubbed version only, without English
subtitles.

Sassy Player / Taew Nak
Te Teen Rabert: Thai, Comedy/ Drama – A gay teen soccer comedy in the
vein of “Satree Lek” (Iron Ladies), the internationally popular
comedy about a gay and transgender men’s volleyball team. There’s a little
bit of everything in the film – something for everyone. It’s fun, if your
proclivities lie in this direction. Directed by Poj Arnon (Bangkok Love
Story).

The story: A girl’s school
decides it wants to field a team to contest national secondary school
football (soccer) championships, and calls for applications from young men.
It ends up with 16 applicants, seven of whom are katoey - or as they tell
their coach, not ‘real’ men at all. Can football players of the third
gender prove their mettle on the pitch? You’ll have to see the movie to
find out.

Knowing: Australia/
US, Drama/ Mystery/ Thriller – Delightful! And a lot of fun. Particularly
if you like Nicolas Cage. A teacher opens a time capsule that has been dug
up at his son’s elementary school; in it are some chilling predictions –
some that have already occurred and others that are about to – that lead him
to believe his family plays a role in the events that are about to unfold.
Mixed or average reviews.

Khan Kluay 2: Thai,
Animation/ Adventure – The legendary elephant is back in action in this
sequel to the animated movie Khan Kluay. Set after the victory at
Ayuthaya against the invasion of the powerful Burmese Empire, when Khan
Kluay is appointed King Naresuan’s royal elephant.

Scheduled for April 9

Race to Witch Mountain:
US, Adventure/ Fantasy/ Sci-Fi/ Thriller – A perfectly acceptable and
innocuous action/ adventure film for children (mostly) with all the standard
chills and thrills, chase-movie suspense, and wisecracking humor – and a few
slam-bang action setpieces. Well done of its type, and the ex-Rock Dwayne
Johnson is (mostly) charming as a Las Vegas cabbie who enlists the help of a
UFO expert to protect two children with paranormal powers from the clutches
of an organization that wants to use the kids for their nefarious plans.
Mixed or average reviews.

Monsters vs. Aliens:
US, Animation/ Sci-Fi – Has gotten some rave reviews from a number of
reviewers, and some highly critical. I found it half imaginative and highly
amusing, half irritating. All five of the monsters come from low-budget
science fiction films of the 1950s. The towering – and irritating –
Ginormica (Reese Witherspoon) was inspired by Attack of the 50-Foot
Woman. The “missing link” is from Creature from the Black Lagoon.
The roaring, wordless Insectosaurus is a Godzilla slug magnified by
radiation, and Bob the Blob comes from, of course, The Blob. Dr.
Cockroach has a counterpart in The Fly, where another scientist
acquired some of the characteristics of an insect after a failed
experiment. Mixed or average reviews.

Rahtree Reborn:
Thai, Horror/ Romance – Starring Love of Siam heartthrob Mario
Maurer, in a new career move, and Cherman Boonyasak, who played his putative
sister in that film. It’s a sequel to Yuthalert Sipapak’s famous horror
films Bup Pha Rahtree and Rahtree Returns, set in the same
apartment where the haunting story has been told before. Surrounded by the
tranquility of this apartment, a horrible spirit in room 609 is lurking,
soon to be awakened. This time the terrors are tripled. Directed again by
Yuthalert Sipapak. Straight razors and a barber’s chair are featured
prominently in the posters for this film. Shades of Sweeney Todd,
again!

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?: Stuart Rodger

Hoyas are for everyone

The last time I visited my
mother in Wales, as she opened the front door to greet me, I noticed a heavy
scent wafting on the evening air from inside her house. In answer to my
enquiry, she led me through the house to the conservatory at the rear, in
which one entire wall was covered by climbing plant.
Clinging to the wall like
ivy, it had thick, fleshy green and creamy white variegated leaves and a few
umbels of flower, hanging upside down and dripping with honey which could be
gathered on the tip of one’s finger, and tasted delicious! These flowers
are waxy… hence the plant’s common name, ‘Waxflower’, and have a surface
which feels like velvet. The heavy scent pervaded the air, pleasant at a
distance, but overpowering close to the plant.
My mother broke off a stem,
which was obviously rooting, and told me to put it into a pot, where it
would grow into a new plant very quickly. She was, of course, right,
(mothers always are, aren’t’ they).
These plants really are
child’s play to propagate, even for beginners, and are great for supplying
all your friends with something easy to look after as a reminder of how
generous you are! Each flower comes from a node on the stem of the plant,
and will continue to flower spasmodically from the same node for an
indefinite period of time.
I did notice that my mother
took care not to give away all the flower points to her friends, choosing
stems devoid of nodes so that she would not be left with a large plant which
never flowered!
This common house plant,
very popular in England, is Hoya carnosa, ‘ranagata’, often placed on
windowsills. I was delighted to find that Hoya can be seen
everywhere in Thailand, as the plant is native here, even clinging
epiphytically to the branches of trees in a bewildering variety of shapes,
sizes and colours.
Here, it is usually trained
on wires that hang in the air, and has to be sprayed in the same manner as
are orchids. However, it is easier to do as they do in England, place it on
a windowsill or ledge, planted in a pot of humus-rich coconut fibre soil and
allow the stems to wind up a stick or trellis. This couldn’t be easier, as
the thick, water-filled leaves are designed to survive the dry season. If
you like ‘plant collections’, Hoya is a great example to collect, in
all its amazing varieties!

Bridge in Paradise : by Neil Robinson

Last week I wrote about the problem of bidding so aggressively that you push
the opponents into a game or slam that they would not otherwise bid. Here is
another such hand, played in Chiang Dao. I was sitting East with neither
side vulnerable and North dealing:

This was the bidding:
North East South West
P 3N 4S 5C
5S 6C P P
6S All pass

I opened a gambling 3N which
shows a long (7 or more cards) running minor suit. The bidder hopes that
partner has a couple of tricks, can stop the suit led, and has at least one
card in the long minor to lead to declarer’s hand. Then, presto, nine
tricks and game made. Alternatively, if you are not making 3N, the
opponents probably have a game and you hope the 3N bid will make it
difficult for them to find the right bid.

Kit Salisbury, sitting
South, made an aggressive 4S overcall. My partner, Chris Hedges, raised my
presumed suit to the five level (if my suit were in fact diamonds, I could
always correct). John Bucher, sitting North, was happy to raise his
partner, in view of his very adequate support for spades. I bid 6C, to
raise the ante and North, with the reasonable hope that his partner was void
in clubs, made the wise decision to raise to slam.

South ruffed the club lead,
pulled trumps in two rounds, played the ace of diamonds and eventually
trumped three diamonds on board. He led towards the jack of hearts, to try
and make an overtrick, hoping that I held the heart queen. When the finesse
failed, he made twelve tricks (6 spades, 2 hearts, the ace of diamonds and
three diamond ruffs), and had nearly taken all thirteen. I was left
regretting my ill-judged decision to bid 6C, thereby pushing the opponents
into a cold small slam made with only 20 high card points between the two
hands. Such is bridge in paradise!

Chiang Mai now has an
official bridge club - the Bridge Club of Chiang Mai. We welcome new
players. For information on the Club please contact Chris Hedges at
[email protected] if you have bridge questions, or to send me
your interesting hands, please contact me at [email protected] I
look forward to meeting you at the bridge table.

Captain Crabtree: Captain Crabtree’s
Congenial Contributions

Editor’s note: We thought you’d appreciate a brief bio of CM Mail’s
new ‘Poet Laureate,’ who will be entertaining readers with his fortnightly
essays in verse, centred on his experiences of life in Chiang Mai. Perhaps
we shouldn’t mention this, but we were told (in confidence, of course) that
the good Captain is experiencing unbridled passion for our very own (and the
Pattaya Mail’s) Hillary! You can’t keep a secret in this town!
Born: 1935 Basingstoke
Christened: Archie Hilloughby
Educated: Stoke Basing Grammar School (1947-1953) and Oxford University
(October – November 1954)
Commissioned 1955 by the British Army Pioneer Corps, P&D Division
(Painting & Decorating). Decorated Suez and Cyprus in 1956, and Painted
Falklands in 1980. Retired in1988 to live with widowed sister Mabel in
Churchill Gardens, Cheltenham.
Clubs & Societies include the Gifford Park Golf Club (member) the
Adlestrop Rotary Club (member) and the North Cotswold Gilbert & Sullivan
Society (member, occasional baritone and treasurer).
Present location: South Asia; seeking a location conducive to settling
down, in view of dwindling savings and disastrous decline of GB under
Socialism. Marriage a possibility. Last heard of by Mabel – Chiang Mai
(April 2009).
Captain Crabtree’s Holiday
Misfortunes
(next year he’ll go to Brighton)
Someone mentioned the Chiang Mai pollution, of course,
But I knew British lungs could cope;
I’ve played rugger and tennis, swung bat, ridden horse
And was up to the challenge, I hope.
Chest out, shoulders back, I marched by the moat
Breathing deeply – inhale: exhale –
And I thought, as I passed out, clutching my throat,
‘I shall write to the Chiang Mai Mail!’
After several Sang Soms, I met a young girl
Near a bar in Loi Kroh where I’d been
But, to the policeman, this South Asian pearl
Confessed she was only fifteen.
I’d never considered I might ever see
The inside of a Chiang Mai jail!
And, as soon as the Consulate get me out free
I shall write to the Chiang Mai Mail!
While seeking to cross the Huay Kaew Road
After sinking a few pints of Chang
I noticed a crossing and onto it strode
With the confidence of the farang.
As I bounced off the tuk-tuk and flew through the air
To land on the car and impale
Myself on its aerial, I thought ‘It’s not fair!
I shall write to the Chiang Mai Mail!’
It’s remarkably quiet at McCormick’s throughout
And, though I’m still plastered and frail,
The very first thing I must do when I’m out
Is to write to the Chiang Mai Mail!