6/16/14

Mistake Making

Perhaps like a lot of people, I am haunted by my mistakes. The choices, be them good or bad, that have defined who I am at this moment. Accelerating when I ought to slow down, avoiding the inevitable, or not stopping when I should. It’s a rough road. And sometimes you need to be certain you have the right type of tires. Instead, I push down on the pedal – automotive references abound. “Driving fast on empty streets,” as Dr. Thompson once said, “with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested.” I’ll pay my penance. Wish I wouldn’t have, or whatever.

But then I wake up each morning, unable to recall what kept me up most of that evening, and make myself a cup of coffee. Unbeknownst. Its noon before I remember what was wrong... what is wrong. That thing I didn’t need to do. That comment I may have made. Retraction! My mistake. Perhaps I shouldn’t have... And yet I continue, making the same moves, saying the same sorta shit. Lesson: not learned. So how do I remedy my insatiable desire for idiotic endeavors, massive mistakes and countless poor choices? Start from scratch? No. One must always remember their roots. Look back on the bad and prevent it from happening henceforth.

So, what the fuck am I talking about? I can’t say for certain. Perhaps simply that I am at one of those big Y’s in the road, where either direction may, er, will lead to something substantial, or something sad. An example: my father has a friend that he’s known for years, who on his first patrol in Vietnam came to a fork in the road, literally. He went left. Ten feet forward and he had stepped on a booby trap that blew half his ass off, LITERALLY. He was sent home shortly thereafter. And life went on, but certainly not the same.

I’ve heard that story more times than I can count, and I suppose it has played a rather important role in how I make decisions. You see, either direction leads to the inevitable. Be it good, or bad. Fate? No, that’s not my sorta sauce. More like luck. Some people get it good, while others, well, others are fucked from the start. And so when it comes to making mistakes, the kind that will haunt me from here on out, I suppose I am not sure how to stop myself from making more. But they say realizing you have a problem is the first step to fixing it... So I suppose you should wish me luck?