[Intro: Jeb “I Once Used To Be A Contender In This Race” Bush]
La di da da-a, da-a (fell out of favor)
La da da da di da da-a, la-a
Let me tell you, I came here
From a very far away state
All for a chance to be a star
But they didn’t let me get too far

WINNERS…NO. NO. I’M DONE. I’M NOT DOING THIS OH WHAT THE HELL IT GETS ME CLICKS:

Psychopaths: In abandoning last debate’s mudslinging in favor of last night’s display of relative levelheadedness and charm, the candidates showed that they’re in tune with this niche demographic and want to make them a fundamental part of this election cycle

Rammstein: Each passing day in this race makes their song “Amerika” more relevant than ever

The environment: Spoken of in favorable terms by more than one candidate last night, a rare victory for this collection of natural systems that allows us to survive and prosper and provides us with endless opportunity for enjoyment and inspiration

Ted Cruz: I found myself rooting for him! That’s right—when the collective American political consciousness is visibly and rapidly decomposing into a gray, furiously racist sentient sludge, up becomes down, ignorance becomes strength, and the impossible becomes the commonplace (more…)