I just can't seem to get it together and things are getting worse. Worse in a sense that I'm back on bad things because it's easier to get high then to accept reality. It's easier to sit here and cry or walk on the beach with my headphones blaring and cry. It's easier to be sad than happy.
And I keep telling everyone I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay like maybe I'll start believing it and it's so hard to convince others when you can't even convince yourself, but who really wants to hear that I feel broken and lost and so damn alone when they ask how I am?? It's like I'm falling apart again and I hate being so helpless but I keep thinking really horrendous thoughts when I'm driving or when I'm walking on the beach but I just want to be alone, all alone with nobody to talk to just so I can cry and grovel in misery.
I was clean for almost a year. I made it almost a year. A year. A fucking year!!!!! We'll see where it goes from here.