Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Year In Review

Disclaimer: I am writing this post while drinking my first glass of chardonnay in a very long time... It tastes fabulous.

Did I mention that I went all the way through 2009 with no booze? Well almost all the way...it is only 8:49pm...

What a year this has been. It had some amazing highs and some really crappy lows, but mostly it was a great year. I like the idea of a fresh start for 2010 though. I have spent the past few years focusing on my kids and pregnancy and this year I would like to get back to focusing on me a little bit. I am more than just a mom and I feel like 2010 is the year to remind myself of that.

Best moment of 2009? I am sure you all think I am going to say the birth of my daughter. Close, but actually the very best moment of 2009 was introducing my son to my new daughter and sitting together the three of us on my hospital bed for the first time. I know it sounds cheesy but I seriously felt complete for the first time. I had just had surgery, I was exhausted, but that moment is one I will never forget.

Worst moment of 2009? Being told at 29 weeks of pregnancy that I was being put on bed rest. The following 9 weeks were pretty crappy as well, but that one moment rings out in my head. I had to send my son out of the room and then I just broke down and lost it. I had made the decision to have another baby on my own and at that moment I knew that I would never be able to do it on my own. All of my plans were out the window at that point. Thanks to some fabulous family and friends I made it through, but it was a rough time.

Best thought going forward? I don't ever have to be pregnant again (knock on wood...) I came out of it safely and with two of the most amazing kids I could have ever wished for. But pregnancy and I do not get along well. And I am thankful that that period of my life is over.

Most "holy crap" thought going forward? I will never be pregnant again. I am past that stage in my life. It is time to just grow old with my kids. I won't ever hold my newborn baby in my arms again. I won't ever experience those first few weeks of chaos, sleep deprivation and wonder when bringing home a new member of my family again. I am past the trying-to-get-pregnant phase and am moving into that next phase of my life. Damn, I am getting old...

Favorite times with my son: Our entire vacation to Hawaii back in January (we are going again this coming January; WOO HOO). It was the last time that I had days on end to just spend with him before the baby came. I was pregnant but not too uncomfortable or huge and was able to really spend time with him. I loved it. Also the days after having The Girl. I had no idea how he would react to having a sibling and sharing his time with me. To this day he has been wonderful. He is helpful and sweet and genuinely loves having a sister. He thanks me on a regular basis for bringing her into our family. My favorite time a day with him is at night. We brush teeth and read a book and then I spend a good 15 minutes or so just sitting and talking with him in his bed. His sister is asleep and it is just the two of us. We have had some pretty amazing conversations considering he is only almost 4 years old. And finally I have just loved watching him become this amazing person. He is no longer a baby, no longer a toddler, and no longer just a little kid. He is his own person with likes and dislikes and opinions and suggestions and thoughts and...love. He is just love. That kid makes my heart soar.

Favorite times with my daughter: Before she was born when I would be sitting in the OB's office having a NST and she would blatantly not move. I felt like she was sitting in my belly laughing and proving to me that she was her own person and she was going to do things her way. It is amazing how much this fits her personality to this day. Also the late nights after she was born. Just the two of us sitting in the living room (it was the only place I could nurse initially) with the light of the TV shining on her face. Brand new perfect little person growing into her own self. And me being blessed enough to be able to watch it. And now our Wednesdays. That is the only day of the week where her brother goes to school and she stays home with me. It is the one time where she gets to act like she was the "first" child. She gets all of my attention and I am able to spend the entire day hanging out with her and not being interrupted by anything or anyone else. I get to spend hours just watching her, just like I did ALL THE TIME with her brother. But the second child doesn't usually get that luxury. She does. On Wednesdays. And finally just watching her defiantly become her very own person. Every time I think I know something about how to parent her based on what I did with her brother she reminds me that she is NOT him. Not by a long shot. She is opposite of him in every single way. And I love that. She keeps me on my toes. And most of all she makes me smile. That smile of hers could light up the sky. What an amazing addition she has made to our lives and our family.

My hopes for 2010: Like I mentioned above I want to get back to me a little bit. I would love to start dating. I need to find the time to get out of the house, sometimes without my kids (GASP!!) and find my own life again. Being a single mother of two kids is very all encompassing. I would like to find a partner eventually and that isn't going to happen with me at home with my kids all the time. That being said, another one of my hopes for 2010 is to continue to enjoy this journey of parenting. My children bring me so much joy and I cannot wait to experience another year together with them. I want to see who my daughter is going to become. I want to watch my son continue to grow and flourish into his own. I want them to have the confidence to live their lives in a way that makes them feel fulfilled. I want them to be whoever and whatever they are. And I can't wait to watch it happen.

This was a great year. The year of the baby. She is here and she is healthy and we all lived through. My years all seem to have a theme to them. The year 2000 was the year of the gay...it was the year I came out. The year I figured it all out. Then 2001 was the year of the romance. It was the year I met The Ex and I knew we were in it "for the long haul" (oh, hindsight...). 2002 was the year of the marriage and the house. We had our ceremony and bought our first house. 2003 was supposed to be the year of the baby. It wasn't. Neither was 2004. those have now been dubbed the TTC years. Finally 2005 became the year of the pregnancy. 2006 was the first year of the baby. My son was born. Unfortunately it also became the year of the break up. 2007 became the year of the reconciliation (at the beginning of the year), and then about mid way through the year it was the year of the divorce. The finality. I remember early in 2008 I thought to myself, "time to make it the second year of the pregnancy." I knew I wanted to get pregnant that year. And I did. Then in 2009 I knew it was the year of the baby. And it was. For the first time in a long time I don't know what the next year will bring.

I can't wait to find out. Happy New Year everyone. May 2010 bring you all that you hope for and desire.