9 Rules for Being Friends With an Introvert

Hi extroverts, it’s us again, the introverts.

You know, those quiet friends of yours who listened to your tearful story about the fight you had with your boyfriend — without interrupting even once? Those friends who let you be the center of attention at every party — and don’t try to steal the spotlight?

We want to say upfront that we introverts really like being friends with you extroverts. You pull us out of our introverted bubble, and you get us to do things we probably wouldn’t do on our own.

Without you, we’d probably spend every weekend in our pajamas watching Netflix, only making contact with another human when we open the front door to the Jimmy John’s delivery guy.

We usually have a good time when we’re hanging out with you. When you’re around, we don’t have to do the heavy lifting to make conversation happen.

One minute we’re shut off from the world writing fan fiction for Harry Potter in our heads. Then you come along, and suddenly we’re laughing and having fun and comfortably opening up about ourselves. How do you do that?

We’ve never sat down to talk about this, and that’s probably our fault, because we don’t really like to sit down and talk about anything. But to make our lives easier — and to avoid confusion and misunderstanding for you — there are a few rules we think all extroverts should abide by when they’re friends with introverts:

1. Don’t text us and ask us to be ready to hang out in 10 minutes.

We get it. Sometimes things happen spontaneously. But spontaneity should be the exception, not the rule. We need waaaay more than 10 minutes to mentally prepare ourselves to be with people. The amount of time needed for that mental preparation varies from introvert to introvert, but a good rule of thumb is to ask at least a day in advance.

2. If we hung out with you yesterday, we don’t want to hang out again today.

No offense, but we need time to recharge after being with people. Even when we have fun, socializing is still draining.

3. If we think it’s just going to be the two of us hanging out, don’t invite three more people.

We do better one-on-one. A crowd of people means we’ll probably clam up and fade into the background all night. Plus, it’s a little hurtful when we feel like we’re just another warm body in your extrovert entourage. If we’re friends with you, it means you really mean something to us. We have a tiny inner circle of friends, and we don’t let in just anyone. We agreed to hang out because we want to spend time with you.

4. Don’t show up where we live without asking first.

This goes back to that whole “we need to be mentally prepared to see people” thing.

5. “Tired” is code for “we don’t want to be around people anymore.”

If we say we want to leave the party because we’re tired, it might not mean we’re literally having trouble keeping our eyes open. We might just be “tired” of being surrounded by people.

6. We like to listen because we’re good at it, but don’t take advantage of it.

We care, and one thing we can offer you is our superpower of listening. But this doesn’t mean you should launch into a monologue that lasts 20 minutes — even we have our limits. If we’re not saying anything, it probably means we’re processing what you’ve said — and that isn’t necessarily an invitation to keep talking.

7. If we don’t answer your text right away, it doesn’t mean we hate you, it just means we want to be left alone for a while.

For our own mental sanity, sometimes we need to completely disconnect from people in every way. We promise, once we’ve had time to ourselves to recharge, we’ll answer your text and be the friend you need.

8. If you call us, it better be because you’re bleeding or your cat died, or some other horrific emergency happened. Otherwise, don’t call us.

We hate talking on the phone. We’re pretty sure texting was invented by introverts who wanted to avoid all phone calls forever.

9. If we say we want to stay home, we really do just want to stay home.

So let us. And show some respect by not texting us 12 times with the intention of making us feel guilty or trying to change our mind.

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Jenn Granneman is the founder of Introvert, Dear, the popular community for introverts and highly sensitive people. Jenn is an introvert, a highly sensitive person, and an INFJ personality type. She started Introvert, Dear to help other introverts not feel so alone or weird. Look for her first book, The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World, in spring 2017. To get personal updates and see the occasional cat picture, follow her on Facebook.

I tell people I’m taking a nap, when really I’m going to go lie on my bed and read in peace and quiet for an hour or two. For some reason, naps are culturally acceptable and getting away from people to read is not.

But then again, there are some who keep calling or texting. So I just switch off my phone, and tell them that I forgot to charge my phone, or put my phone in tin-box, just to get no reception. So when they call, I can blame the network operator for not doing their job.

They are understood trust us we get a scolding if we speak when we arnt spoken to. It’s like ok when do I the person you wanted to spend your life with. A chance to see you outside the house sit next to you tell you I love you be in time except when you want it…or better yet just see you act like you are interested in our life and not yours alone. It’s called being an adult and having things that come along and one way streets are not fun.

Ok you act like introverts never want leave the house unless we want to. We definitely hang out with friends more than when it’s convenient for us. Sometimes I even force myself to when I have not fully recharged. We are not selfish. Its just sometimes it would be nice if people were to be more open minded and understanding to our needs too and not make us feel guilty when we don’t have the energy to be social. I have lost friends for this very reason. When I hang out with friends it’s never enough. I’m tired of finding excuses not to hang out, but I have to because some extroverts take it so personal that I can’t hang out every time they want to because I’m so introverted.

Yeses all the way down the list! I just shared this with my Facebook community and they love #3 and #5. I think these rules boil down to giving us time and space, and being patient while we prepare. It’s a great list to share with our lovely extroverted friends who sometimes forget we’re different. 🙂 x

I prefer spontaneity because if I have to plan a day or, god forbid, two or three days in advance, I feel like I won’t know how I’m going to feel so how can I make plans?? haha I need that flexibility and the less mental preparation, the better. Otherwise, i could talk myself out of doing a certain thing or going a certain place.

Mandy – I hear you, though I might make the process a little more convoluted. 🙂 I like to know about my options/opportunities ahead of time but w/out any pressure to actually do them, and then to have the opportunity to do them on the spot.

Exactly! I might make a mental list of things I want to do on Saturday – but I’m not so attached to it that if I get distracted and do other things it’s a disaster. The important part for me is to actually have an idea of what I want to do – if I don’t. it’s me in bed all day.

I’m an extrovert who married an introvert, so I know a lot of this just by being near her, but thanks for reminding me. Of course my wife sent me this… Also, extroverts get tired too and need time alone as well, just not as frequently.

I love to go out and have fun…on my terms. My hubby will stay on the move 24/7. After almost 10 years of marriage he is finally getting it….If I say I want to stay home he goes without me. Of cxourse he has to call 10 buddies till he finds one to go with him. LOL

When in reality we marry seine because they gave us a sense of wanting to be there…and we wonder what happened to my relationship…I love to brag on.my extrovert and show him off ..but I’ve never gotten the chance. ..I think he hates me..I miss him!

I’m an extrovert, but I’d love to chime in. I have many friends and family members who are introverts, so I see the truth in this. It’s always good to be reminded that my sister needs her space, or that my friend may need to leave early. However, please don’t think that extroverts are only friends with introverts because we only want someone to listen to us, or because we need another member in our “entourage.” While some extroverts may take advantage of their introvert friends, I spend time with my introvert friends not because I need something from them or because I have made it my duty to socialize them. I spend time with them because I truly care, and spending time with people is how I express that. You need time alone to recharge, but I crave time with you, also. We all need to remember to be considerate of the needs of others. I need to remember that time with me may not always be what you need, but please remember that us extroverts need you, too. (^_^)

But, see, as an introvert, I don’t want to have friends who NEED to spend time with me. I want to have friends who WANT to spend time with me. As soon as NEED enters the picture, it just feels codependent to me. In any case, people are responsible for getting their own needs met. If an extrovert needs more social time than an introvert can give, then the extrovert needs to find more friends. I don’t think it’s ever a good compromise for two people to hang out when one of them doesn’t really want to be there. A true compromise would be finding a time when BOTH people want to get together.

This has helped me tremendously! !! I’ve been married to an introvert for 44 years and often thought he didn’t want to be around me or do nothing with me because he didn’t love me and now I know he just needed to recharge!! I am the extrovert and he is the good listener just not for too long! ! Thanks for the article!!

Michaela, it is not clear whether you are upset because you an extrovert offended by the assertions made about you, or that you are an introvert who feels misrepresented. If you are the former, it seems an unusually strong, non-empathetic reaction. If you are the latter, it must be difficult to know (from the responses above) that so many people feel differently about it than you. Perhaps there are some personal issues you may want to explore…but labelling the authors reflections as bull#*&@ seems a bit of an overreaction.

There are different types of introverts. Some can relate and some can’t. When I’m being social it is much easier with an extroverted person. Conversation flows easier and I don’t have to think so much about what I need to say or do because the other person is in charge of the conversation. I still contribute and steer the conversation, but don’t have to do the “heavy lifting” as the author says. I truly appreciate extroverts for that.

Also I agree with Joey. Even if YOU don’t agree you must know that there are different types of introverts. There’s no need to cuss.

While not everyone agrees with your 9 rules, I think they’re pretty spot-on for me. I do like the occasional phone call, but I seldom call people…even my family. My husband thinks I’m a hermit, but nice to know I’m just an introvert…and apparently I’m not alone, judging by the responses. 🙂

I need to print this article and stick it on my fridge. I’m married to an introvert, best friends with an introvert also, and yet I am that loud and obnoxious extrovert… the bull in the China shop (which I’ve only learned since being married to one)… I’m working very hard on that.

I’d love to make one clarification… one of those things I’m working on. Sometimes we extroverts ramble on a 20 minute tirade because we are nervous. Lol, I get nervous when my introvert husband doesn’t respond. I’m afraid the introvert lack of response is a rejection of my thoughts or conversation which makes me nervous which causes me to ramble. That’s all, we are not always trying to take advantage of your wonderful superpower, sometimes your wonderful superpower frightens us. 😉

But might not your extroverted friends and family say, with as much legitimacy, “I communicate best by talking, preferably when I can see your face. Don’t ask me to email.” Can’t it be give and take? I’m a serious introvert–have had to stand up to the usual barrage of requests to do things I don’t feel comfortable doing. But I still truly don’t understand this new “empowerment” model of saying, in essence, MY WAY, PERIOD. Being an adult is sometimes having to do things that aren’t in perfect alignment with what we want, the way we want it.

10. Do not think we will be happy if suddenly and unexpectedly made the center of attention. For example, surprise parties. You may get to witness a full-on flight-or-fight reaction, adrenaline dump and all. (Some of my friends have seen this at least once.)

As an extrovert married to an introvert, I understand all this stuff. Nonetheless, I wonder if this isn’t just another list of things saying, “Do it my way, not your way.” For example, I could come up with a list “9 rules for being friends with an extrovert”: 1) Don’t make me plan our encounters a day or more in advance. 2) Don’t dismiss me today just because we spent time together yesterday. 3) Don’t demand I get your approval before inviting other friends. etc. How about a list of “9 things to understand when you’re friends with an introvert”? I can’t speak for extroverts, but I’m much more likely to modify my behavior when asked to do so rather than when ordered to do so.

Dan Paul, I very much agree with you, and I am a serious introvert. While I hope that a greater understanding can help with the differences between extros and intros, I am weary of the introvert breast-beating in the last couple of years. Sometimes extroverts need to bend a little, and sometimes introverts need to bend a little. It’s called LIFE. Asking everyone else to do to what works best for ME all the time makes me tiresome. Just because speaking up for our needs is a little harder for us introverts doesn’t mean we get to call the relationship shots all the time.

The reason there’s been so much “introvert breast-beating,” as you call it, is because the dominant culture is extroverted. Any time a minority group speaks out against the dominant culture for the first time, it’s going to come across as “breast-beating.” You need to do that when no one has listened to you, like, ever before. By default, extroverts “call the relationship shots.” The whole culture is designed for them. I see you’re an introvert yourself, and if the dominant culture doesn’t bother you, then good for you. But some of us ARE bothered by it, and this is our way of taking back some control over our own lives and saying, “Hey, we have some needs too, and they’re different than yours, so if you want to be friends with us, you have to respect that.” Frankly, if that’s too much for an extrovert to handle, then he or she shouldn’t be friends with introverts. The great thing about friends is that they’re people you choose to be with, unlike coworkers or family. No one is forcing extroverts to be friends with introverts.

I’m an extrovert married to an introvert. We cherish our time together and try to protect it. He doesn’t feel the need to draw away from my “exhausting personality”, and I don’t feel the need to force him to talk when he prefers silence. But we both need space and time alone–from each other, and from others. I think extroverts get tired of being seen as loud, obnoxious users. We’re not “social butterflies” who only flit along the surface of life as we are portrayed to be (by contrasting us with introverts). We have regular moments of deep reflection, care deeply, are sensitive to the needs of others, can be good listeners and great friends, and so on. When we are hurt or rejected, we usually reflect upon our own fault in the situation and how we may need to grow, adapt, or change–meaning, we are not shallow as the comparison makes us look. My point is that we are all human–and people have interacted with each other for thousands of years without anybody giving us “rules”. It’s called communication and respect. To succeed in the workplace and to engage in many of life’s most meaningful activities, we must interact with others. Extroverts frequently try to help introverts (be it their spouse, children, friends, coworkers) to become more comfortable in those settings so that they will benefit from them and because we want them with us and also because we don’t want them to miss out on wonderful things. We do this because we love the introverts in our lives and want them to grow, enjoy, and benefit from whatever opportunities arise. Every introvert in my circle ends up enjoying and being enriched by the gentle promptings of the extroverts in their lives–and we from theirs. My husband and I each makes the other stronger. Folks, we don’t need to draw lines in the sand here. Neither group is superior to the other. We just need to treat all people in our lives, regardless of who they are, with respect, consideration, and understanding.

[…] If we hung out with you yesterday, we don’t want to hang out again today. No offense, but we need time to recharge after being with people. Even when we have fun, socializing is still draining. (Source) […]

I’m an introvert but I can carry a conversation, I respond and actually add to the conversation when spoken to, and I definitely don’t demand anything from my extroverted friends like advance notice etc. I think this list must apply to people who are seriously heavy-duty introverts. Some applies to me but not all.

I agree. Not all nine things apply to me either but then, I’m not an extreme introvert. Demanding that extroverts respect my boundaries is pushy and arrogant, which is exactly what many introverts think about extroverts. Asking, rather than demanding, might get us a lot further.

As an extrovert I felt it was more like by doing or not doing these things brings about a happier friendship with an introvert, which is why I think it should be called “Guidelines for peace with an introvert”

[…] across from another blog called “Introvert, Dear.” Blogger Jenn Granneman shares her “9 Rules For Being Friends With An Introvert” in this whimsical (yet truthful) blog post about what she needs her friends to know if they want to […]

when I read this (it was posted on fb by another introvert) I was laughing, crying, and just overjoyed that I’m not the only one like this. I have been feeling so depressed about myself lately and maybe even thinking I should get counseling. but everything in this article was so spot on, that now I know I’m not alone and am not a freak!! Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for writing this and for creating this website!

Only one I don’t agree with is #2. If I feel comfortable with someone, I’d probably be happy to see them again. I do need a break eventually though. #3 is spot on though, and extroverts do not get it. I got upset when a friend just asked if she could invite somebody to join us to something I was really looking forward to.

no… The need or desire to be alone to re-charge etc is hardly the same thing as a narcissist. For me it can be physically and mentally draining sometimes to not have solitude in between meeting people. I love to socialise but i love to be on my own then after for a while =)

this is very close to how i am but i love crowds (as i feel awkward one on one with people and feel like i need to entertain them or they will be bored of me) and i don’t mind hanging out multiple days in a row. (just don’t drag me out of my house all of those days)

Thank you, I have an introvert friend (I’m guessing seeing as he’s the one I followed here from his fb page), I know I’m an extrovert and I found these rules “guidelines for peace with an introvert” is what I think it should be called, but just me.

I hope any introvert reading this will understand something about their extrovert friends, if they solely want to hang out with you even in groups they speak mostly to you, you are more special than you know.

That said, I have on occasion “pooped in” to just see my friend quickly (5-15 minutes tops intended) but will try to keep that in mind for future desires to visit unannounced.

Thank you all for making your extrovert friends feel important, smart or just plain interesting. You’re a good friend for listening intently.

And if we go to a place where there’s dancing, stop trying to pull me onto the dance floor! I LIKE to sit in a quiet corner and watch people and visit with whomever I’m with. Dancing bores me to no end, and I’m tired of being made to feel like a freak because I don’t enjoy it!

I’m also married to an introvert and am an extrovert. Very helpful to know he doesn’t just hate what I’m saying, he’s just out of energy. I’m a typical extrovert, loud and obnoxious but I love my gentle introverted INFJ. I’m an ENFP and to a T. I finally see some new things from this website. Thanks lots!

I’m an ENFP and I find this very interesting and quite informative as it answers a number of questions riddling around my mind as it helped to answer some questions about how should I interact with introverts, haha thanks!

Whenever my significant other is out of town Im excited to be alone….my friend invites me over for dinner and I make up an excuse as to why i cant go. She says “well let me know if you change your mind”. i just want to say to her…dont hold your breath,Im having alone time!,,

I am an introvert and agree with a lot of this. I can’t stand when someone comes by my house without calling or asking first. I would never do that to someone. And the thing that really bugs me is when someone asks me to do something and if I don’t feel like it or can’t, they start begging me to. Total turn off. I don’t mind spontaneity sometimes, but reverting back to what I previously said, don’t you dare beg me if I can’t or don’t want to. And don’t call me to chat on the phone at 9:00 p.m. When I’m relaxing and watching a show or movie, just to tell me what you ate and did the entire day. And if I don’t answer, don’t question me later about why I didn’t answer. Lol.

See, I don’t really fit into either category. I like my alone time, but I also thrive in group environments.

I do also have social anxiety and tend to go into panic mode over slight triggers (usually involving doors, elevators, and crosswalks). Instead of making a list of things that others shouldn’t do in order to make my life easier and avoid panic-driven meltdowns, I’ve learned to grow a pair, take my meds, and get somewhere relatively private before going into panic mode.

The fact is that everyone is different, and making a list of “rules” on how to behave for certain types of people is ridiculous. Yes, showing up at someone’s house unannounced is rude, and planning ahead is always nice, but for Christ’s sake, people, none of us is the center of the universe.

You don’t like someone coming over unannounced, and confronting them about it makes you uncomfortable? Nut up and say something to them. Life happens. Expecting other people to change for your personal comfort is selfish.

Same goes for extroverts. Someone wants to stay home on a Saturday night instead of going to a club or a party? No means no. Get over it. People aren’t going to change their way of life because you don’t want to go out alone.

My point? I’m not trying to single out one group or another. Everyone, no matter what type of personality they have (or psychological diagnoses they have for that matter), has the ability to adapt and deal with life as it comes. Living our lives with the expectation that everyone needs to cater to us is selfish and, quite frankly, juvenile.

As my @$$hole old codger of a father used to say, “Nut up or shut up.”

Spot on! I agree to most. Number 1 not so much. I like spontaneity from time to time. If I had the time to ponder, my anxiety just raises and raises until I decide to lie that I am going to do something more important just to excuse myself.

Like if my friend says, “Hey, you on the way home? Let’s meet and grab something to eat.” I’d be happy to meet up. But then rule #3 comes in.

Thank you for this. I’m trying to be a friend with One of the coolest People I’ve met in a long time, I’m extroverted, and he was upfront about being introverted so this really helps me know how to act and react.

I have to admit to having all of these same thoughts down to a T; but lately I’ve been encouraging all my beloved E’s to go ahead and give me a call instead of a text…I don’t always answer, but trying to get better at is has been a worthwhile exercise! These rules are funny and great, but meeting your E halfway when you can is good too 🙂

Dear writer, In typical introvert fashion, your passive-agrresive tone is not unnoticed. “Dear extroverts, we love you, but here’s why we hate you, but be friends with us… smiley face.” Title your article “things that my friends do to me that I do not like.” Or, find your spine, and just tell your friends how you feel. Dear introverts, If you don’t want to be around people… don’t make friends with extroverts! You don’t talk about anything because you DO nothing. I don’t want to drive a distance to go visit a friend to sit and stare in silence. I could nap instead. Make friends with other introverts and together you can complain and wallow in self pity. Also, it is rude to lie to people and say that you are tired, just to get away from them. No one forces you to do anything. If you don’t want to be around people, stay at home. Also, learn to say no and stand up for yourself. Don’t say yes to something, and then complain about it… Being an extrovert does not equal being the center of attention. It means raising your hand, asking a question, getting the answer, and moving on with your day, instead of mumbling, and… complaining. Being an introvert does not entitle you to say mean things to other people and get away with it because you said it in a softer voice. You’re not cute. Sincerely, this extrovert.

I never thought there is anyone else in the world who hates phone calls as much as I do! Being just in the beginnings of my INFJ/introvert journey, I am learning so much from these pages. It brings not only a bit of peace of mind, but also a small portion of self-understanding. Finally I know now why I react the way I do when my ENFP friends talk. I thought the great exhaustion I always felt was only in my mind. Thanks for this blog, I will closely follow from now on. And excuse my bad language, it’s not my mother tongue.

This is helpful, as I have a new friend who seems to be an introvert. I’m mostly an extrovert, so it’s hard for me to understand why in the world she does not text me back when I text her, say, for instance, that I was so happy she stayed somewhere with me where she didn’t want to stay. I have a hard time knowing, when she doesn’t text back, whether or not she really cares about me or, like the lists suggests, that she just needs space after spending time with me. I suppose if she stayed when she didn’t want to, that should tell me she wants to be friends, eh? It’s hard for me to understand the not texting back thing, but I’m willing to be chill about it to keep her friendship. Just so you know introverts, for an extrovert, the silence is a stab in the heart. Then again, I guess we extroverts do have a tenancy to be a bit overdramatic.

This made me feel so much better about being an introvert and my behavior towards my extrovert friends. I thought there was something wrong with me for not liking to talk on the phone or needing a little time in advance before hanging out with someone, and even the not texting back right away! Everything on this list was spot on and I just want to thank you because you have no idea how much this helped me. 🙂

I have a friend who is an introvert. I always agree to go with her every time she invites me to do something but she sometimes cancels her own arrangements at the last minute. Every time I invite her she’d agrees but then cancels at the last minute. Basically she calls all the shots and is quite bossy and uncaring about how her behaviour affects me. She commands that I never ring her as she thinks the phone is very intrusive but I absolutely hate texting back and forth trying to organise stuff. I am dumping her cod she’s just too high maintenance

I LOVE this list. Right on! Here are a few of my own…if you win the Nobel prize, I’ll be very happy and pleased for you…but I won’t be jumping up and down. Don’t think I’m not pleased just because my enthusiasm doesn’t match yours. Also, let’s say I’m visiting you and I say I need to just go to the guest room to rest for a bit, don’t put YOUR time limit on it and knock on the door when YOU think I should be emerging back into the fray. I won’t be rude and stay in the room forever, but don’t think you know when my time there should be up…just a few of my own, like I said.

I wish I could have friends that would least try follow some of these rules. I don’t mind them being broken once and while. I feel they think they are helping me get out of my shell or whatever. Then make big fuss over it all. I really feel people just like to mess with me cause I’m pretty easy to read and very honest. In the end I feel even worse. Think I’ll crawl back into my shell and come out when I’m bored or want to. It is my life and choice after all.

I had a friend who is an introvert. Or I have a friend who is an introvert. It’s hard to tell as I never hear from this person unless they have something to say to me. I hate all these rules for “how to have a friend who is an introvert”. In all honesty I think I’d rather not bother. Sometimes it would be nice if my introvert friend would seek me out to begin a conversation or meet-up. A little affirmation of friendship goes a long way.