Hating My Use of the Word “Should”

Truly, I cringe when you hear me utter the words, “You/I should.” Problem is, I say them a lot. It’s a habit I’m working to break. No matter if my, “you should” is something fun like, “Yes, you should take off an adventure—plan it for next spring and go.” It’s still me inflicting a thing—my opinion— on someone else. When I tell myself, “I should,” it’s frequently followed by some new responsibility that I feel obligated to do even though it isn’t in my heart.

I’m suggestible so when someone says to me, “you should,” I stop to consider it. Unless it’s, “You should jump off a bridge,” then I tend to ignore them even if a bungee cord is involved in the plunge.

Should, defined by Merriam-Webster is “ought to” and the past tense of “shall.” I get the, “ought to,” which sounds like a harsher version of should. When I say, I ought to do that, it feels more like an imperative.

The past tense of “shall” threw me for a loop, though. The past tense? I shall travel to Wales next year tells me a thing is in the works. I should travel to Wales next year means it’s a vague possibility. So how is it past tense?

I’m more of this type of should speaker: “—used in auxiliary function to express futurity from a point of view in the past.” That is, based on something I’ve experienced in the past, I think I/you should do XX.

No matter how I slice it, when I bring “should” into the equation, I’m imposing my opinion on whatever it is. My advice, should I do this to you, is to throw back at me: “Really? Should I? Is it in my heart?” and laugh really loudly.

How about letting me know if how many times you “should” in a day and what happens when you eliminate the word from your speech?

‘Should’ is the voice in my head- the critical questioning one- I hear it quite a lot.It is the voice of conformity, of authority, quite often it sounds like my mothers’ voice-( we didn’t have a great relationship).I am training myself to replace should with could. I could do that but I may choose not to

I try to take note of the shoulds I utter that start to cluster around a certain activity. I should do this… but then I never do. For a long time, my constant should was wanting to join writing groups. I finally went out and joined a handful and I am so glad I did and turned my should into and “I did.”

Good point of view, Jeri. I have tried to join a couple of writing groups, but so far it hasn’t worked out. Timing was off or personalities…I’m glad to hear that they work for you. I do have some brutal-critique folks in my life. Thank goodness.

Lighten up, Rose, you’re being too hard on yourself. Some shoulds are A-OK: some are even desirable. For example, suppose you were to come up to me and say, “There’s a new Indian restaurant in town, and I was there a few days ago for its all-you-can-eat lunch buffet, and it was totally awesome, and you should definitely go check it out.” Not only would I not be offended by you ‘inflicting’ such an opinion on me, but I would want you to do just that.

I don’t know how often I use the word should. I am going to watch for it now and hope it doesn’t come out. I don’t like hearing the word used at me and I believe everyone has to follow their own heart. However, I do know I use the word a lot in my head directed at myself. I am going to watch for that too and ask “is it in my heart?” I suspect sometimes it will be, but not always.

I like two key things you said, Donna. 1. “Used at me”–ouch is that ever a good one. and 2. “Is It in my heart?” What a great question to ask as I hear “should” in my head again and again. Let me know if you lessen saying it to yourself–I’m trying!

I don’t know if I say should when it comes to others but I do know I say ‘we should’ a lot – guess it’s time to change. I’m going to be watching myself now to see if I do tell others they should. Interesting post Rose. I know we used to take in special needs foster kids and one of the big ‘correct’ speech things at the time was to say ‘ you/we need’ to do this or that, which isn’t that far off from ‘should’ when you stop to… Read more »

Lenie, I just responded to Erica’s comment with the “want/need” being more powerful than “should,” but you raise a provocative question–am I saying I need to do xxx because of an intrinsic need (I need to be more kind) or because someone else is making me feel pressured to do a thing (I need to go to xx’s party or she’ll be mad even though it’s Tupperware and I don’t need any)? Ew, more to think about!

Hi Rose. I don’t think I say ‘should’ too often. I learned (from living with my husband) that some people are super-sensitive and don’t like being told (or implied) what they should do. I intentionally try to use more neutral language that puts forth suggestions gently as opposed to making it an instruction.

I’m right with you about bungee jumping. You bring up an interesting point. How often are we really doing things because we should and denying ourselves what we want? Definitely something to think about.

Yes, Erica, I see the “shoulds” interfering with the wants & needs too often. It’s interesting re-wording, too. If I switch it from, “I should do xxx,” to “I want to do xxx,” it becomes more powerful. Everyone’s comments are really helping me think this through even more!

Great post, Rose! I don’t like the word “should” either and tend to not use it. But, when I do use it, it is usually when I don’t feel well and am tired. I tend to stay away from this word because it is not an action word like other words like “for now” I prefer to make time and schedule tasks not think to much about what needs to be done. The “for now” statement is my issue. Over the years, I had several clients and family members say, “I… Read more »

Good one with “for now,” Sabrina. I like that even less than “should.” It is so temporary and usually means I’m being lazy about something. You’re right that we do those stop over things and they end up being permanent.

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3 years ago

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Jackie

Oh no! I already said it this morning! I’m going to keep track…..and stop saying it and just doing it!

This really hit home for me me… I think I am guilty of the same thing:) I really don’t want to impose my opinion on someone else, unless they ask, of course. So this is a gentle reminder that maybe my ideas aren’t always the best ones.

When I catch myself saying “you should” I think wow, how bossy must I sound? Like I’m smarter and know what is best, Even if it is something, like you said, fun. And boy do I dislike it when people tell me what I “ought to do. . Lol. You’d think for that reason alone I’d be more careful about using that term.

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