Every three months, the NYC Roach Association holds its quarterly meeting, speaking in roach language about the issues most important to roaches. As very few people understand roach language, it was hard to tell if a meeting was taking place, let alone what exactly what was being said. In fact, no human was ever able to transcribe the minutes of a roach meeting before today.

It wasn’t easy, but here is Huzzah News’s exclusive look into the minds of roaches, written with the intent of maintaining the roach point of view:

Item 1: Survival Tactics

Humans are becoming more efficient killers. Poison spray leads to inevitable heart explosion. How can we combat this?

Suggestion: Get better at running. If something sounds like killer spray, get away as soon as possible.

Request for volunteer to organize a roach running training program meets with no success. Elder statesroach proclaims it is physically impossible to outrun the murder spray, suggests we instead conduct programs to help young roaches recognize spray residue from afar so they can avoid it before inhaling it.

Resolved: The elder statesroach who made this suggestion can try to educate the young roaches, but good luck to him.

Suggestion: Make humans less inclined to kill roaches, perhaps by improving physical appearance. Humans seem to achieve this goal for themselves through clothing and cosmetic aids, perhaps the roach community could achieve attractiveness through similar means.

The assembled shared a hearty chuckle about this suggestion and then smothered the individual who suggested it for stupidity unbefitting to the species.

Suggestion: Make humans less opposed to roaches by providing a useful service. Perhaps we could start making a concerted effort to start eating mosquitoes.

Problem: While we are not opposed to the eating of mosquitoes, since we are not opposed to the eating of anything, the physical act of killing and eating a mosquito might prove difficult, since mosquito movement has the unfortunate tendency to be quick and airborne.

Suggestion: Mosquitoes have to sleep eventually. Wait for them to doze off and then pounce.

This drew the response that while roaches have many talents, pouncing is not one of them. We are very good at not getting killed as long as our hearts don’t explode. Killing is not such a strong suit. Trying will probably end up waking the mosquito up and the newly awakened mosquito will probably attack.

The assembled were unsure if being bitten by a mosquito would spread any additional, noticeable diseases, but catching another illness is unlikely to aid survival rates.

Additionally, even if we managed to kill mosquitoes, the humans would not know. It is rather naive to assume a human would notice bug bites are less frequent and assume the relief is thanks to the noble heroism of the roach community. Less frequent itching might get humans more focused on ridding their homes of roaches, which is obviously not ideal.

The Roach Association voted down the suggestion to kill mosquitoes, but did not kill the one who suggested it because if we made a habit of doing such things, the species might be extinct within two billion human years.

Suggestion: Spend most of our time outside. That way we would not be on human radar, and there would be plenty of dirt and water and edible waste products around.

Problem: There would also be too much sunlight and ecological competition. Additionally, we would no longer be able to surreptitiously read human books and therefore develop the sort of vocabulary which enables optimal communication during meetings such as these.

Conclusion: Change nothing, and continue passing on your acquired wisdom to your descendants, if possible, so they will potentially be able to come up with something at the next meeting.

Inspired by the success of Will & Grace and early positive results for the new Roseanne, NBC has ordered a re-tooled reboot of The Golden Girls called The Giant Girls.

The other reboots feature the same cast members, but this one will not. It cannot. Only one of the original principal actresses is potentially available to reprise her role, and she’s unlikely to be able to handle sitcom filming in addition to her prior commitments, so it will be a different cast. A bigger cast. Four actresses from very well-known families who are very, very big.

Not big in the entertainment world, just big.

Not fat, just big.

The biggest, and possibly most legendary of the Giant Girls actresses is Nessie Lake, who will be playing the role of Nessie MacDonald, a middle-aged lizard person trying to start a new life for herself after spending some time in jail due to accidentally eating her husband in a moment of drunken confusion. After getting out of prison, she has to search Craigslist for roommates, and understandably no humans are willing to live with her. The only ones who will take a chance on Nessie are the other Giant Girls.

One of the roommates is Samantha “Snows” Nylund, played by the brilliant Yeti White. Snows is one of the Abominable Snowpeople, but she has always been too bubbly and optimistic to get along with her family. So she came to America, married Mr. Nylund, had several children, and then her husband died suddenly for reasons unrelated to Samantha’s size, and since her children were all grown up she looked for a new place to live, struggling to earn the trust of potential roommates until she landed with Nessie.

Another roommate is Barbara “Branch” Devereaux, played by Sarah “Sass” Squatch. She is a woman with big feet and a bigger mouth whose sassiness squashed her marriage, prompting her to move from the forests of Oregon to the Big Apple and live with the other big girls.

Also living in the house is Ness MacDonald, played by Nessie’s actual mother Ness Lake. She moves in to try to make sure her daughter stays out of trouble, but ends up getting in a lot of trouble herself. This is partially because middle age for sea monsters spans hundreds of years, so despite being fifty years apart in age, Nessie and her mother look very similar, and some of the men who Nessie brings home end up more interested than the mother than the daughter. According to the sources being used to discuss this show, some of the promotional posters will feature the caption: “NESSIE’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON.”

The plot of The Giant Girls will follow these four big women as they try to adjust to single life in an even bigger city, and also the struggles involved with monster-human relations, romantic or otherwise. This includes the challenge of not eating each other’s human acquaintances, which is emphasized in the theme song: “Thanks For Not Eating My Friends.”

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff, a novelization of reality which has been published anonymously due to fear of Russian retaliation, is about to hit the shelves, and virtual shelves, of all retailers brave enough to have it. Therefore, it has rarely been seen so far, but Huzzah News has been able to obtain a copy for the sake of reviewing this work of semi-literature.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff imagines a world where the President of the United States is a shady businessman and reality TV star who says a lot of ridiculous things. This is not hard to imagine, as it is the truth, but in the world of the novel this president’s nonsensical statements have minimal impact on the political reality of the country, as demonstrated by this short passage from page 452:

The community college conundrum confounded the cantankerous charlatan, who contemplated calling community colleges “calamity centers” on CNN, and since the callous chump cannot question his choices, he confidently called community colleges “calamity centers” while chatting on CNN. Consequently, the correspondents chuckled at the curmudgeon’s quip, since a sound argument is far superior to a snappy sound byte.

Also, Congress rejected all attempts to de-fund community colleges out of hand, since community colleges are necessary and useful for those who need just a little bit more than a high school education, and also for those who need to prove themselves academically before attending a four-year college. The ridiculous, reddish-orange rambler ranted and raved at his rejection, but this changed nothing because Donald Trump do not change stuff. He just say stuff.”

This is the only passage which will be included in the review, but the entire book is written in a similar style, with ample alliteration. If you are one of the few who is capable of getting tired of alliteration, then this book might bring you to your breaking point, but since most people love alliteration, the populace will probably be pleased with the prose.

The story, all 540 pages of it, takes the reader from the part where Donald Trump is recruited by Vladimir Putin to say stuff which will upset the American people and shake faith in the American political system, all the way to the point where Donald Trump is no longer able to say stuff as president due to fictional circumstances at the end of the story.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff is a challenging read, as it appears to have undergone no editing whatsoever except for a quick spellcheck, but it is the opinion of this reviewer that reading the book is a less challenging and more pleasurable experience, by far, than experiencing the actual Trump Presidency.

Over the past few days, the reports in the mainstream news media have been a bit on the intense side, and citizens of other countries might have been unable to deal with all the madness, but not Americans.

Americans are fine.

No panic here whatsoever.

If confronted with the headlines on the homepage of CNN, people from other countries might take to the streets and start screaming at the top of their lungs that the apocalypse is obviously coming and they don’t want that to happen and then there would be a report of a massive drop in productivity due to running in the streets and screaming and that report would be buried at the bottom of the page under the rest of the madness and no one would even read it because they would be too busy screaming, but not Americans.

Americans are fine.

First Trump wanted to arm teachers, then he wanted to take away a bunch of guns but probably not from the teachers, and now he might have softened his stance on guns but wants to fight pretty much everyone on the trade front by enacting tariffs like it’s 1850, and this is okay with Americans. It’s just Trump being Trump. People were tired of politics as usual, and this is the opposite of that, so it’s fine.

Putin has a bomb now, too, apparently, and a more dangerous one than most bombs. This is according to actual reliable sources which can even be quoted and cited. But that’s fine. Americans are fine with that. It’s only a bomb, and these days it seems like everyone has a bomb. Israel has bombs. The United States has bombs. North Korea has bombs, and Americans are maybe a little less fine with that but still not panicking. Even the weather has bombs and it just set one off, which is also fine.

This bomb is the bomb cyclone, which is not pleasant, but Americans remain even-keeled. After a couple of months of unseasonable warmth, this is a small price to pay and everyone knows it so there are no complaints on this front.

None whatsoever.

Americans are fine.

There was also another school shooting this morning, and the Onion will probably trot out the same article it always does if it hasn’t already and no one will read it because they just saw the same article a couple of weeks ago, and except for the people who were directly affected by it Americans will hardly even think about it after the initial outrage, if they even have energy left for outrage after Parkland and the ensuing non-response by Congress.

Maybe Americans aren’t exactly fine, but they will manage. They will seem fine.

Americans will continue to seem fine until another reality-TV celebrity who is not also a politician makes a questionable decision, most likely fashion-related.

According to a source which cannot be named, Barack Obama is currently under suspicion of hacking Donald Trump’s brain in order to make the current president want to take away America’s guns.

Doubters of the world’s greatest news organization might find this preposterous, since many believe Donald Trump does not have a brain and a brain which does not exist cannot be hacked, but these naysayers are incorrect. Donald Trump does have a brain, and according to the aforementioned anonymous source it is a robot brain.

Mr. Trump allegedly was not always prone to dreaming of electric sheep, but this changed around fifty years ago when he briefly died of bone spurs. People, cruel people, mock this condition as a cop-out for cowards to avoid armed service, but it is an extremely serious ailment when someone has bone spurs in the way Donald Trump had bone spurs. The unnamed informant claims Mr. Trump’s bone spurs were the same shape and sharpness as the metal spurs used for riding horses, and while it took years for one of these spurs to fully penetrate one of his metatarsals, the same day that it did was a day when Donald Trump decided to hang upside down to prove that he could, causing the spur to fly through his leg bones, exit through his pelvis, fly through his rib cage, and land in his heart.

What happened next, according to the anonymous informant, was kept secret for years because the public was unlikely to be able to handle it. The public was not supposed to know how advanced robotics was, and it was not supposed to know that if a family was wealthy enough it could buy new mechanical organs to replace the human ones. But, according to words on the internet, it happened and Donald Trump was fitted with a mechanical heart which can handle a specific finite number of beats before expiring, and a robotic brain which was designed to be as much like Donald Trump’s original brain as possible so the body wouldn’t classify it as a foreign object and therefore refuse to tolerate it.

Although the procedure appeared to be a resounding success at first, the program was discontinued when observers could see what became of their test subject, but they still allowed him to continue existing. His robot heart keeps beating, using a self-cleaning mechanism to protect the body from one of the deadliest dangers associated with frequent fast food consumption. And his robot brain keeps doing what it does, being less capable of empathy than his previous brain was, but much more prone to being hacked.

Because of the vulnerability of computerized brains, Obama was able to hack into it, with the help of the FBI and George Soros and the Illuminazi Party, in order to change Mr. Trump’s stance on gun control and possibly take away America’s guns.

Either that, or the story about Trump being a robot is a bunch of nonsense and the gun lobby is so far out of control that even Donald Trump sees the need to rein them in at least a little bit.

Changing one’s name usually requires spending a lot of time and cutting through a lot of red tape, but thanks to a bill which raced through Congress this morning and was signed by a president who was too distracted to read it, anyone who attempts to commit mass murder will have their name changed immediately. Not quickly, not within a day or two, but immediately. And their name will always be changed to Wayne LaPierre.

The reason for this instant name change is that most plans to kill a lot of people are inspired, at least in part, by a desire to become well-known. These people, if they can even be called that, have written in diaries and manifestos about wanting to kill as many people as possible so their names can be in the news and maybe even the history books, whether they survive or not. But now, these monsters cannot get that satisfaction, and neither can their ghosts, because from now on the news will report their crimes as being committed by Wayne LaPierre.

Just omitting their names is not enough, so all images of a mass shooter, either accused or convicted, will be pixelated fully to eliminate all possibility of recognition. There is no good reason for people to want to see pictures and videos of these killers or attempted killers, so the images will be treated as obscene and censored accordingly. Same for any audio footage involving a newly-named Wayne LaPierre.

Those who have been named Wayne LaPierre will sometimes have a chance to get their old names back. If someone was wrongly accused, which theoretically could happen, this person can get their old name back and will not have to mention ever having been Wayne LaPierre. If someone bought guns and wrote a manifesto but never murdered anyone, this person will be referred to as Wayne LaPierre during any news coverage about the plot, but if they can prove themselves to be reformed and ready to be a decent human being, then they won’t have to be Wayne LaPierre anymore.

The “real” Wayne LaPierre, however, will be Wayne LaPierre for the rest of his life, since at this point there is no way he can prove he has become a decent human being.

This new law is not being reported by any of the mainstream media because they are afraid of the NRA, but as Huzzah News does not expect to be noticed by the NRA, we have no such fear and can report freely on this news, which is about as true as everything else on this site.

These figures will be used in demonstrations of how to ignore pornography when in school. Only the one in the middle is doing it the right way.

As a follow-up to their declaration of pornography as a public health risk, Florida’s lawmakers have been hard at work trying to figure out how to protect the state’s children in case a school is attacked with pornography.

At the present point in time, someone could simply walk into a school with an iPad and start playing pornography for everyone to see, or at least everyone within a few feet of the screen, which could be dozens of students once word spreads about what’s going on. Sure, eventually a school official could confiscate the device, but not before the damage is done. And that is why the Florida Legislature has approved funding to help students and teachers prepare for porn attacks.

The training will involve anti-porn activists coming into schools, much like anti-drug activists visited classrooms during the DARE program. These activists will employ arguments such as “you might go blind” and “you might get pregnant” to convince students not to look at pornography. If a porn-wielding maniac enters the school and attempts to cause problems, other students will be taught to look away. If they have to close their eyes while walking and they crash into a wall or worse, that is a small health risk compared to the danger of laying eyes on pornography.

When there is an active porn displayer situation, student will also be taught to shout slogans such as “porn is for cornballs” and “only buttheads watch pornography.” Students will be assured that this will embarrass the person showing the pornography and perhaps those choosing to watch it, but it will certainly not cause any ridicule for the people shouting such things.

Students will be instructed to not, under any circumstances, tackle the porn displayer, as that will result in extremely close exposure to the dangerous visual content. Instead, students and teachers will be trained to throw books, erasers, and the buckets of water which will be placed on hooks in every hallway in case such a situation arises, never to be touched otherwise.

Finally, since this is Florida, as a last resort it may be permissible to shoot a “porn-carrying sicko.” Anything to protect the innocent eyes of these poor schoolchildren who would never be exposed to any obscene images if not for school pornings.