preparing for whatever life throws at me… All through my wild days, my mad existence

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When things fall apart I feel everything, sometimes it’s too much because I can’t seem to find a solid ground to stand when I’m overwhelmed, I just lost myself with all the feelings and came back to the world as a drained battery but as times goes by I found myself developed a habit to ignore myself. It makes my life easier to keep up with daily life, but… it’s destructing. I didn’t cry when I should’ve cried and I held my feelings back for a long time that it gets really dangerous when I stumbled upon the edge of my sadness. This is the recipe for a disaster, believe me, but then again I couldn’t help myself.

“Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting.”

It’s so true and I wish I had known this earlier because now I’m lying on the ground banging my head against the floor regretting what I’ve expected. I don’t think I understand myself even after everything. Tons of things I couldn’t explain to anyone makes it harder, I feel like a freak. I can’t tell anything to anyone about what I’ve been through, I can’t forget the things I’ve been through, I hate myself for making stupid mistakes, I just don’t get myself.

Last Friday I watched dramas to forget things, I stayed up all night long to tire myself out so I won’t have much time to feel sad on Saturday and so I spent half of the day inside my blanket trying to forget the outside world & my feelings. I really thought I would cry myself out because I was sobbing the day before but surprisingly I functioned well that day. I felt nothing that day… I wasn’t happy, for obvious reasons. I wasn’t sad, or maybe I was but I couldn’t find it. It felt like I was on autopilot. I liked it.

Today is the aftermath of saturday & sunday. My sadness is here, circulating all over my body, flowing through my blood, seeping into the insides of my bones. I feel everything yet I couldn’t say anything.

I remember a few months ago I had trouble sleeping for a week, I constantly woken up around 2-3 am every night and had several nightmares. Sometimes the dreams were so real I even dreamed about seeing things in my room (the picture was so vivid I thought it was for real), I was so afraid I slept with the lights on that week. The thing is, the next morning I woke up like nothing happened…well I did felt really tired at work, but other than that I was okay..

But today I woke up with an uneasy feeling (again, yes I’ve had this several times) and still not sure why.. I didn’t have any nightmares or anything so it’s kinda confusing. Has anyone ever been in this kind of situation?

Why do we only have 1 life? Why can’t we have several lives?
You know.. in case of something terrible happen and you can’t get yourself out of it. In case you kinda lost yourself somewhere and you just can’t pull yourself together. In case you forgot how to be a human. In case you don’t understand what you’re feeling.

I was so distant with everyone I used to cry myself to sleep
It felt good.. Crying myself to sleep is one of my favorite things to do
I did that a lot.. to the point of being sick of crying.
I wrote somewhere in my old blog that crying doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you weaker.
I was right, right?

I grew up with no concern of being hurt or anything
I grew up forgetting and avoiding painful memories
I grew up struggling with my anxiety which nobody knows
I grew up worrying if I would ever be good enough
I grew up trying to bury my past and present
I grew up building my walls

It was all good
I was safe from everyone..
No one could hurt me anymore
No one could make feel left out anymore

so I learned how to push people
I learned how to blame people
I learned how to accept things without asking anything
I learned how to shut my mouth
I learned how to break inside without telling anyone
I learned how to struggle quietly
I learned how to be strong on the outside so no one will mess with me
I learned how to disguise feelings
I learned how to fake smiles
I learned how to make up stories
I learned how to sugar-coat my worries
I learned how to forget things
I learned how to ignore things
I learned how to numb myself
I learned that no one will always be there for me
I learned that nothing in this world is easy
I learned how to be alone
I learned how to survive alone

It’s summer break! Can’t believe we’re here already the first half season is over, Vettel still lead the championship with Kimi & Alonso behind. Watching F1 is like planning my life in a calendar, F1 calendar to be exact. I always try to watch every race but sometimes I can’t mess my other schedule. I recall some of my memories based on the races I watched, when Kimi left F1 I was sad… Kimi went rallying but I didn’t watch rally, as time goes by I watched no race at all… I focused on completing my studies, those days are a bit blurry because I tend to forget days, months, or even years of my life that I hated more than I should.

and then BAM! Kimi did an amazing comeback last year, showed the world he did not lost any skill or whatever, he even came back stronger, he entertained the viewers (and even commentators), won a race with a fantastic defense driving and of course finished third in WDC. Iceman is definitely back.

I realized how F1 affects my daily life memories. 2013 season is running great (I think) so far except for some things I’m not pleased with. Anyway this is so freakishly strange, I remember the races, the podiums, the dramas, the excitements of the 1st half but I have no idea where my other days went to. I cried over the same thing all over again this month, met my high school friends every 2 months, got a pay raise, went crazy in every single race, planned a trip, canceling a trip (I’m still in the middle of a dilemma), excited for another trip (the one that I’m sure of), listened to Il Volo again, worried for Kimi WDC points (a bit pointless but well yeah), had lots of fun with my cousins, went for a bike instead of swimming, dealt with so many unpleasant people, laughed at everything… I have no idea how my first half went except that I’m getting older.

How do you keep track of your life actually? I tried doing the OhLife, went pretty great for the first weeks but I screwed up this month. Does anyone here doing the OhLife as well?

Hi there.. I'm not sure what to say now, it's all so complicated so be prepared to read unrelated paragraphs and a bit of breaking down.

credit to the owner

A joke I had with a friend about me being "everything wrong" is slowly getting real in my life. I guess I have to stop joking about this.

I wanna be strong for myself, for my future, for everyone in my life but there are people who just let you down like that's the right thing to do. Did I do wrong all this time ? Am I doing everything wrong ? What should I do to fix everything ? What should I do to have answers for these questions ?

I hate that I can't enjoy some things just because I have nothing to enjoy. Wth did i said? Yes, just like when you want to celebrate Father's day but you don't have one or because you lost yours. There are thousands of feelings and celebrations I can't enjoy.

People's first impression of me is mostly about how I look irritable (sometimes scary or rude) which is not entirely false, I always have a wall of defense with new people. It's hard to get close with anyone, well gotta admit I don't really like opening up myself to others... I hate being vulnerable. Luckily people around me doesn't ask much, it's good.

So the thing is, I just had a bad morning mood. I feel guilty. I would like to fix it. I just don't know how so I write this. I hope you're having a great morning.

I need to say hello again world (deleted my old one) I feel like I’m in my first day of school, again.

It’s sucks but hey it’s good to have a blog again and uhm..happy first day of March!

Speaking of March, this third month is really something. First things first my friend just resigned yesterday I’m happy for her and a bit sad for me (not that I don’t have any friends here). Today I had to face a project I hated but thankfully F1 will begin the season’s first race on 17th 🙂 so I have something to look forward every single day 😉

I’m hoping for a fresh start and I will try to be grateful for whatever changes I’ll have to face,