7 signs the woman in your life is certifiably crazy

Ask any guy about the history of his dating life, and he’ll have at least one story about that one batshit nuts girl that they spent some time with. It’s easy to get sucked into a fling with a crazy girl — some guys will be fooled by good looks, others may even be attracted to the craziness. But if experience tells us anything, it’s not a wise move to stick with a crazy chick for very long. Scars, both emotional and physical, are a very real risk when dealing with crazies. If you’re confused as to what to look for in order to spot a crazy girl, read on. And beware.

7 She constantly talks about changing her appearance to look like a character
Ok, maybe there’s nothing wrong with aspiring to look like a celeb. But when you meet a girl that can’t stop talking about how much she wants to look like Angelina Jolie in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”, it might be time to ask a few questions. For example: why is she so obsessed with looking like a fictitious character? Is she practicing becoming a trained killer as well? People like this have a very loose grip on reality. You’re better off leaving this one before you become a casualty of the movie in her mind.

6 She quotes things from your profile before you become Facebook friends
Social media can be a wonderful thing. It also adds a valuable new tool to any and all potential stalkers out there. If your new girl comments on how she saw you wearing that shirt in a profile picture from a few months back, pay heed. If she’s put this much effort into stalking you this early on, and doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with it, think about what it would be like being in a long term relationship with her. You don’t want to have to explain pictures you took during freshman year to a fuming girlfriend.

5 Demanding a specific kind of food at odd hours
We get it, people get hungry all the time. But there’s no reason to have a near blood lust for steak at 11 in the morning and throwing a tantrum when it isn’t fulfilled. There just isn’t. Such a voracious appetite may seem appealing at first; but again, take a look at the long run. Also it would probably help to picture her standing over a dead animal carcass with blood dripping from her mouth. You should run pretty soon. Hey, better some animal than you.

4 She cites “amateur gunslinger” as one of her hobbies
Seriously dude, this one is a no brainer. Yes, ladies with guns can be sexy. You know what else is sexy? Not being afraid of getting shot by a pissed off girlfriend. If she occasionally goes to the range and pops off a few rounds this is a scary thing. This isn’t a videogame, dating a borderline sociopath packing heat wherever she goes is pretty high on the list of “Stupid Decisions that Will Get Me Killed”.

3 She blacks out uncontrollably every time she drinks
We’ve all blacked out once or seventeen times in our lives, it’s as natural as the phases of the moon. But if your girl can’t open up a bottle of Zima without getting all wastey face then you may have a problem. One second everyone’s having a great time slugging down a few by the bar, the next your girlfriend is doing a striptease to “Kiss Me” and it’s only 9:30. The worst part is if you try to say something, she’ll violently insist that she’s not drunk, and prove it by slugging down a few more Jager Bombs. Good luck with all that.

2 She knows how to speak a made up language
Nerds, you may have some qualms with this item on the list, but for everyone else this is pretty straight forward. Put it this way, long after you go to bed, she’s studying how to conjugate Elvish verbs. If your girl can tell you that you’re being a really terrible boyfriend in the language of the Na’vi, then your only real option here is to learn how to say hit the road–and promptly put your newfound skill to use.

1 Gets into physical fights with everyone around her — including you
There is nothing, NOTHING, crazier than a girl who can just snap and try to deck you in the face Mayweather style. If you’ve ever walked into the office with a black eye and used the old “I walked into a door” excuse, please go find help. In fact we’re sending someone to your house right now. Close this window and erase your history immediately. Hang in there buddy, we’re coming for you.

Join The Discussion

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06.19.10 at 1:14 pm

OmI

Why am I wasting my time with this article, let alone the comments section.

I'm gonna go write a list of 10 reasons why this article sucks.

06.19.10 at 1:52 pm

Tom

Your argument is invalid – you see, all women are crazy.

06.19.10 at 1:55 pm

jack

Retarded article. Somebody either mailed in their work after a drinking/pot smoking binge or they really suck at their job.

06.19.10 at 1:57 pm

Cheez

Thanks for a retarded article, Zack.

Zack is a stupid name, btw.

06.19.10 at 2:28 pm

viralviralvideos.com

wow #2 made up language is dead on

06.19.10 at 2:34 pm

Johnny Get Your Gun

Wait, what? Interest in firearms automatically = crazy? If the author ever bothered leaving his comfortable little fishbowl city life he'd find large numbers of (comparably) sane and rational women who are interested in and own firearms. I think the real no-brainer here is that you need to man the F up, Nancy.

06.19.10 at 2:52 pm

Sean

"But there’s no reason to have a near blood lust for steak at 11"

What kind of vagina wrote this article?

06.20.10 at 10:36 am

george

I dated a black out (#3) girl and yup she definitly was crazy

06.28.10 at 6:20 pm

jerrissica dukes

I am a crazy stalker and I keep calling and emailing people who could care less about me. I don't know why, just stupid. I am crazier than all the people you gave examples bout.

07.04.10 at 3:17 pm

Texican

#4 – Popping of a few rounds at the gun range is mandatory for the girls I date. You want a girl who can back you up if the shit ever hits the fan.

BUT…you can't mix #1,2, or 3 with number 4…sure disaster

02.01.11 at 11:03 pm

abcdefg

I love all the comments here. They right on! / The article sucks.

03.28.11 at 5:12 am

TuengSak Gratis Dictum

Whoever wrote this piece of junk was either a woman in guise of a man or never had a girlfriend….

03.28.11 at 5:14 am

Jay_SportoBoots

Lol at the first post of this comment section! Very, suspect list lol.

03.28.11 at 5:27 am

hdustinbing

I love how Zach talks as if HE is hte one that has to deal with crazy in a relationship.

Because ALL women just THROW themselves at unemployed (and yes..that is what freelance bloggers actually are to women) writers. Zach gets SO many women that sometimes some are crazy! And he has to push them away since he knows that a new woman will come along in just a few hours!

I mean, it isn't as if whenever he find a woman that doesn't laugh at him, espeically whne they see him naked, he hangs on for dear life until THEY leave becuase of how clingy he is, then Zach threatens to kill himself if they leave.

03.28.11 at 7:43 am

kraken

So, the guys can't date a women who speaks her language but the fact that he recreates montages from kung fu movies in his room is cool? Is this room in his mom's basement? Stupid article…

03.28.11 at 3:30 pm

Argon

All languages are made up. Language and words are abstract concepts that only have meaning because we assign meaning to them. Ergo, they are all made up

03.28.11 at 8:20 pm

HerpDerp

Interest in shooting is a sign of a psycho? You might want to grow a pair if you're going to post on a site called Guyism, peter puffer.

03.28.11 at 9:17 pm

Keith Morgan

Your next article, "7 signs that the people commenting on your articles are complete douches". I don't know why 90% of you are so sensitive. I mean, its not Zack's fault that you were forced to sit on your uncles lap until you were 13 years old.

03.30.11 at 1:58 pm

Chris Spags

Noted, Keith. *there there

03.30.11 at 5:48 pm

choprzrul

The right to keep and bear arms has been established by the supreme court to be an individual fundamental civil right. To advocate that 1/2 of the population should not exercise 1 of their civil rights is a blatant and bigoted offense to all of us.

Get over your unhealthy fear of an inanimate object. Cars injure, maim, and kill far more people than guns. Sheesh.

03.30.11 at 8:35 pm

Lorrie

I'm a girl and thought this was delightful. The only reason I'm here is that my boyfriend told me I had more than 1 out of 7 signs. Here's a little counter to your article all in fun…"How to tell if a guy is bat shit crazy" on [www.shizamo.com]

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03.28.11 at 7:45 am

kraken

her own language* or some other..

03.29.11 at 2:11 am

asd

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03.30.11 at 9:40 pm

Tickleddragon

You tell'em Johnny! I'm a girl, and where I may be the regular variety of girly crazy (that's down to the second X chromosome – not my fault), gun ownership and knowledge on how to use them is VERY important for a civil society. Those that rail against guns are the very same people who will one day be saved by a legal citizen with a gun.

And btw…Gun schools/ranges/stores are FILLED with men. So why the hell would it be a bad place for a woman?