Captain's Log.Stardate: Tuesday.Over the previous hours, me and my crew of capable droids, R3D2 and C2P2, have cut a swath through the galaxy in an attempt to flee from the Rebels. We have been charged with delivering a piece of information essential to turning the tide of the war; the specifications of the Rebel Flagship. Launched from a far-flung Federation forward base into the depths of a void in a glorified medbay with jets, we were told that we would be faced with heavy opposition, and that the Federation was counting on us. And opposition, we did face. Pirates. Rebels. Cultists. Rebelling Pirate Cultists. And each and every one, we blew to pieces, with nothing more than an Ion burster cannon and cobbled-together weapons drones.

The ship is barely holding together. The air is leaky, the hull is being held together by duct tape and prayer, and the damn doors won't even lock. Otherwise, the situation is nominal; fuel is sufficient for many jumps, and we have enough spare parts that the droids can pump out as many attack bots as we need.

>>35967876We decide to warp into the Abandoned sector, in hopes of spotting some Lanius! What is a Lanius, you may ask? Good question. They are a rare form of space whale.

It should be noted that your captain is entirely inexperienced with this game.

The jump goes off without a hitch, and we are informed that the few life signs in this sector have begun being wiped out, possibly by the Lanius.They're aggressive space whales, I guess.Only two beacons have been built close enough to this one to use; a really poor choice on the part of the Space Designers, but oh well. Where to?

Full speed ahead! We arrive at the beacon and there's... nothing. Empty space. The stars twinkle in the infinite expanse of space, and Henderson contemplates what a waste of time this was.

Riveting.We receive a weak distress signal! It's probably a dastardly Space Whale trap to get at our delicious Space Krill stores, but it might actually be a man in trouble, and Henderson spares no man from his particular breed of saving! But perhaps that changes today?

>>35968303We jump in, and see the Lanius tearing into a Rockman ship!Henderson is starting to think the Lanius aren't space whales. He probably should've read the Guide To Common Species before he signed up for this.There's actually a copy sitting in the glove compartment.Eh, fuck it. But should we intervene, with our pretty-wrecked ship, or just leave?

Henderson takes out the Guide."Lanius are little better than Slugs. Turn the page "Slugs" for details."He turns the page. It's been ripped out.I guess Slugs are slimy space whales or something."Lanius are also freaky silicon-based assholes who act like, what are they called, Tieflings? Those guys who steal everything, but nobody's supposed to get mad. Those guys. They also eat oxygen and shit poison."Henderson turns to Rockmen."Total bros."The course of action is clear! But what is our attack strategy? I spot a small missile launcher, and a big-ass cannon!

With no clear move other than "Fire all the shit" available, we target all their major systems with the Ion intermittently; guns, shields and Engine. Perhaps due to faulty wiring on the part of the Lanius, their missile pod never fires off a shot, and their Laser Cannon isn't nearly as impressive as the size would indicate. All-around, they were chumps.We contact the Rocks they were attacking!

We find a Rebel ship, lying in wait! We chat over the comms for a while, and he actually seems like a pretty nice guy. Doesn't accuse the Federation of corrupting his Human rights or anything. But when we ask if we can just warp on out, he powers up his weapons.He also appears to have thought of a counter to our one and only strategy. The Droids clutch the fresh Attack Drone like a mother clutches her child.

Their drone system just won't die! But eventually it gives up, though we've taken quite a few missile shots in the meantime!>>35969396Should this drone be destroyed, all power will be given to plan GTFO!

>>35969412The drone is destroyed, activating contingency LITTLEPANSY!Where do we go? The droids scramble to hit the SHOP SHOP SHOP button, but Henderson holds them off long enough to make an informed decision!

We limp to the shop, and the owners are, frankly, astounded that we're not all dead. Perhaps sensing that we'd pay good money for a fucking candy bar if it meant we gained a little hull integrity, they charge OUTSTANDING prices for everything.

With heavy application of spare parts, glue and robot sweat, the ship is fixed! Good as ne-...Those fuckers didn't even fix the interior bits of the ship? And how did they repair the hull, if there's a hole in the floor of our airlock? What, did they weld everything BUT there?Jesus, what a shitty space rest stop. Henderson gives them a negative post on their Spacebook page.Will that be all?

We buy ALL their gas, so that they can't get anywhere, and will eventually lose power to the life support, damning them!"FTL fuel does not power the life support."Shut the hell up, C2.We also empty our portapoty in their cargo bay, and fuck right off.

>>35970049What do I look like, an incompetent? I mean, I am, but I also fixed the ship up.>>35969923>>35970024>>35970101One for up, one for right, one for top-right. Because top right is in the middle of those other two, we go there!

In a burst of distortion and light, we're pulled into the gravity field of a Pulsar star! It's constantly emitting fluctuating radiation fields, playing havoc with out equipment! A Lanius ship, scavenging a broken research station orbiting the place, moves to engage us! They must be hired thugs from that rip-off gas station, hunting us down for stealing a pack of slimjims!

>>35970668That's even worse. First you had capital in such a high amount it lost all value, now you have capital so rare it prevents the expantion of industry! You know nothing about fiat currency! Go on the fucking Gold Standard or something.

We arrive in the middle of a battle, and only due to some fancy piloting skills from Hinderson, we manage to steer clear of the conflict. On the outskirts of the battle, we find some civvies being fired on by the FreakyMetalMantisMenFromMars!In the engine bay, the Droids fiddle with an old HAM radio they found lying around, which seems to be hooked into the ship's PA system!

>>35970788>A logical improbability. First and foremost, the Universal Scrap Standard is only applicable in the endeavors of space-faring ships. It would be sheer folly to use scrap as an actual method of currency! Second, in my full function cycle, there is little to no chance that I will meet a space cultist while I am fully intact.

>In short, as the children say, "Fuck you, dad, I'll be dead before you can catch me."

>>35970860Sack of shit astromech droids! Alright, let's do some damage control and get our combat drone out. Get the Engi in the shield area into the engine room and have him work that until the shields are back up. Shoot for the shields for a bit, then shoot at the weapons.

>>35970925>While I feel somewhat sympathetic to your pains, I shall also state that your inability to calculate proper financials is...worrying. Perhaps you should attend some night classes? I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the surrounding planets; it would be a simple task to find a class for you.

We focus fire on the artilary to keep that Cutter Laser from getting up and cuttin'. With some lucky timing from the Drone, we bring his weapons down, and it's over from there.Honestly, these Lanius are dropping like flies. They're all piss-weak. They all suck. I've never met a Lanius who didn't suck.Ever.

>>35970999>Master Hinderson, I congratulate you on your recent triple-digit - nevermind. A two-pip increase into our power reactor would be fine, and a forty-seven scrap cushion is desirable for any emergency purchases.

We upgrade our Weapons capacity, and make a pair of quick jumps back to the previous node, then down towards the exit! We find these assholes again.And this may just be me being a Spacist, but I can't tell these guys apart. They may ACTUALLY be the same assholes from before.

Ha Ha Ha, fish in a barrel.Combat Analysis:With the Drone, it makes an incredible team.It actually fires two bolts! That's nice.The Ion fires fast enough in conjunction with it that we could fire, swap to the ion for a quick EMP pulse, then load it up again to deal damage. But yeah, they're dead.

We head to the Long-Range FTL Gate, and spend our time waiting for the engine to cool perusing the bar, as usual. It's last call, and we cna spy some lovely looking potential crewmen over there in the corner, looking aaaaawfully lonely. C2D2 greases himself unconsciously.

I already voted to bail, but to play devil's advocate, a visit down south could be done. We have two shield and can up our engines. If we were REALLY ballsy then we might even fight back as we would ertainly have enough scrap for weps 5.

Dr. Mr. Derek "Jabba" Bronco was a renowned physician, and part-time Space Snail rider. Until a tragic Snail-riding accident broke his bottom half, rendering him unable to walk. He survived on his Phat Stax, but slowly degraded into debauchery; wild children's parties, drug lording, the works. He tried to get clean of it all, get a steady job working as an accountant for Space Ale 8, but then, the Rebels began their coordinated strike against the beverage, for tailoring it's taste to "Non-Human Scum." He fell back down, and hard, and wound up in the bar, offering himself as a Do-anything prostitute do get just a little more crazy mind drugs.

Upon being hired he immediately used his doctoring skills to walk again.

I think that's it for tonight, thank you for playing! See you next time around now! Maybe not tomorrow night, but definitely the next!