I just sort of told someone about what happened to me when I was about 4. Actually not what happened, but just that something did happen. I told him I didn't know what I was going to do yet. He said he thought I should at least tell my dad. But I can't. I already had to tell him that one of his friends did stuff to me. I don't want to completely kill him. So then i had to go and lie down because I had a headache. Which I've had all day. Then I told myself what happened. And I wish I hadn't. Its not the worst thing that ever happened to anyone, but I really didn't need a full on reconstruction of it in my head. This is the first time I'd actually gone through the whole thing from start to finish and all this stuff just came from nowhere and added itself on to the story.

Now he's going to be home any minute and he's going to come up here and complain about me being lazy because I'm in bed. And I don't think I can even look at him without acting weird. If he thinks I have been crying he is going to ask me what is wrong and I can't even think of a good lie. Except that my head really hurts. I'm scared. Like really really scared from imagining it again and really scared about saying anything. Maybe I might tell him, I just don't want to be forced to do it right this very minute.

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time right now, but it took alot of courage to post this request for help. There no "have to" about disclosing to others. But my experience, and that of many others here is that you decide when, and to who you disclose based on what's best for YOU, not anybody else. Your job is to do whatever you have to to bring healing to your life, not worry about how someone else will react to the news.

Remember, you are only as sick as your secrets.

Jude

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I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

hey txbJust breathe man! so often our minds make these things out far worse than they are, it is a very difficult place to be sure, but it does not show on our faces man. he can not tell by looking at you. I hope that you can just be calm. this was never your secret to keep man the perps do it and leave us to cove for them. if you choose to tell then do it and know that you did not hurt your dad in any way your perp did. small difference maybe but it is huge in one way. it helps you remember ,it was NOT your fault.be well Jeff

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Either I will find a way, or I will make one.Philip Sidney

Hey Txb, you are not alone, we are here with you. Please try to calm yourself somehow. It seems like you retraumatized yourself with those memories, it happens many times If your father would ask you just say that you need to be alone or something like that. Everything will alright!

If it feels wrong to disclose then DON'T! But you also can't force back the bad feelings when they are demanding attention or (very very unfortunately) the memories when the bough breaks.

Let yourself cry or deal with it in whatever HEALTHILY relaxing manner you can. If your dad notices your emotional state, say you were thinking about some of the stuff he does know about. If he's a dad worth a dime, he'll comfort you.

Don't rely too much on your fears or even your solutions. Everyone is telling you that disclosure is yours not anyone elses. Your father has no right to them. They are yours.

If he cannot accept your need to be alone, just leave, You need space. If you can calm yourself, great. If you can meditate and find peace, great.

Try not to solve you fear with drugs or alcohol, it will make you more vulnerable. You are in fear and need safety. Finding a safe place is your highest priority. Later, when you are safe you can think about what will help.

I know it would be nice if you could depend on those who are close to comfort you, that was not my experience so I hope you do not feel that is your only source.

Perhaps you have peers with similar stories, or people you can play with and not think too much

i realize i am coming in later on this. but i notice something that the others hadn't mentioned - probly because it wasn't the most urgent and pressing need at the time:

Originally Posted By: txb

Then I told myself what happened. And I wish I hadn't. Its not the worst thing that ever happened to anyone, but I really didn't need a full on reconstruction of it in my head. This is the first time I'd actually gone through the whole thing from start to finish and all this stuff just came from nowhere and added itself on to the story.

this - although it is really difficult and painful to do - is actually a very important step - and one that will be beneficial to you in the long term process of healing. you gotta deal with the truth - the whole truth, etc. once the immediate need of dealing with the emotions of looking at the whole story - and dealing with the anxiety of telling or not telling, and when - all subside, you will find that the story you have told yourself is something you can now deal with more effectively.

please tell us how it all plays out with dad.

all my best wishes to you -Lee

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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

Thank you all so much. Iím still in the same position as I was a couple of hours ago though. My dad went out with some friends after work so I didnít have to see him. He came home about 20 minutes ago so I faked I was asleep. He has to work tomorrow so I wonít see him till tomorrow evening. I have just stayed in bed. I have tons of stuff to do but Iím trying not to think of it as a waste of time. I donít know why this feels so bad. Itís hardly anything compared to other things that happened to me. I donít cry about any of that stuff. That just made my headache worse.

I know itís not my fault and itís not me that will hurt my dad if I told him. But it will hurt him and its not like I want that whether its caused by me or someone else. We argued a lot recently and we just fixed it up a couple of days ago. I don't know what else to say right now. I'm just going to try and sleep.

Its really late and i hate typing on my phone. But i just wanted to make a quick update and say that i told. Yeah! And i didnt die. Today has been awesome and terrible at the same time. Not sure what is going to happen now but i'm going to go and try to sleep. Hopefully i can now that i'm not worrying about this. Thanks for all the support.

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