Thursday, December 30, 2010

I don't mean lovey dovey stupid "Diamonds are forever," kind of romance, but more of a beauty that isn't of this world. There's an "other" kind of love, beauty at Christmas.

There's a certain poignancy to it, I think, and sitting in church with 4 generations of my mother's family crammed into a pew, my 14 year-old-godson sitting beside me, meeting my alto harmony note for note with his sweet tenor voice, my grandpa, sister, cousins, aunts and uncles gathered together while snow fell glittery and heavy outside-- all celebrating together the joy of the Savior who came from that "other," for us--nothing seemed/seems more beautiful than that.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Me: Ask Dad if he wants to go see True Grit? If he does that's his Christmas Present. I'll even buy him dinner!Sister: (asking dad) He said he'd love to. And now he's all excited.Me: Ask Dad who his favorite child is NOW! Sister: I hate you.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

10. It is a long way to walk from the Flamingo hotel to the Vegas sign and suggesting that you do so (instead of taking a cab) will earn a very long walk and very dirty looks from your friends. Also, wearing sandals is a good way to insure your feet feeling like they will just fall right off. Also, when people tell you, "it's not very far!" They are LYING. 9. Elephant Love Medley + Western Nebraska + Friend + Nostalgia = singalong (We could be HEEEEEEEEEEEEROES!)8. Watching the first couple of seasons of 30 Rock will inspire 100 million new one liners and jokes. And makes me want to have a cool name like Liz Lemon. 7. Murder Mysteries are fun and not lame. 6. If death comes in threes, then weirdness just comes in droves. 5. Friends who have had too much to drink = hilarious. Strangers who have had too much to drink = obnoxious (and trespassers!) 4. No matter how many times your Zumba Instructor stands RIGHT in FRONT of you, your body will not move in the way that it's supposed to because you are not a middle-aged Latina woman. 3. If you borrow a friend's car to go see another friend's band play in a city that you don't live in, it's a good chance that car will get vandaled. The night before the first friend's wedding. 2.People in Chipotle will start to recognize your face and order if you use that as your standard "vegetarian" fast food stop. I'm not sure if this is awesome or embarrassing. You decide. 1.While following Wayne Coyne on twitter, it is at your own risk if you open a picture that he posts. This is even more (always) true if the post mentions his wife (Michelle). Just don't do it. Your eyeballs will thank you. Trust me on this one.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Back in the day, a friend of mine used to double-first name people as a way distinguish one person from another person with the same name. That caught on and a couple of friends in that circle will have, for now and for always, double first names.

As Christmas approaches, when people have asked my plans, I've found that I have started using my friend's double emphasis.

I'm going home (HOME!) for Christmas (CHRISTMAS!)

The itinerary thus far is to mock the gimpy sister, eat lots of food, bake cookies, see lots of family and enjoy being home (home) for the first Christmas (Christmas) in 6 years.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

I've been having a really hard time putting words into the things I've been feeling and experiencing these last few months. And as my readers know, the joy of being "frustratingly vague," is an accomplishment toward which I strive.

It is hard to talk about this year because it has been hard***.

There have been lots of wonderful, wonderful things that I've been able to experience this year: the New Years trip, Vegas, my grandpa's trip to DC, the whole entire month of June, the Re:Thread stores, the growing, more "mature" relationship with my sister*.

This year has also been a reminder of the many good things that I do have and a drawing closer to those who know me and have loved me best.

This year, however challenging it has been, has been bearable because of the Melsons, who've fed me cupcakes and alcohol; Kristy, who gave up some of her precious vacation to road trip to Colorado; the Caps and their hilarious son who invited me to his "Trash truck" party; and Jules, steady and dependable, with her unending empathy.

This year feels like it has been one big exercise in futility, despite all those good, good things that have happened.

And it could get better, or it could not.

Or things could change, or they could not.

January 1, 2011 could bring about something amazing, or it could not.

And I'm trying to find some peace in that.

*Mature is in quotes because when we talk on the phone, I still call her "big people**" just to make her mad and our voices tend to get higher in pitch the longer we talk. We also giggle. A Lot.

Monday, December 06, 2010

You started out so well and with such potential. There was travel and adventure and good stories to be told and with more travel and more adventure on the horizon. But as this year draws to a close, it's all I can do to drag myself to it, waving my white flag of surrender.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

This week is emotional. And since I've declared a moratorium on having any emotions at all (really, who needs those), you can imagine how difficult it is to not want run around and do something really destructive in place of the feelings.

So, instead, I'm blogging.

Sometimes, it is easy to see God's hand and God's goodness. Other times, not so easy.

It's easy to see God working when, this summer, after a 9 month battle with cancer with a very small survival rate, my Aunt was given a clean bill of health. It is not so easy to see God working, when Friday, a former youth and his older brother lost their father (and mother- 6 years ago) to cancer.

It's easy to see God's goodness when things are good, and sometimes, even when things are bad (when they seem to have a "reason"), but it is a lot harder when they seem to have no reason at all.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It may come as a shock (or not, really, at all), that I'm Type A. I like structure, order, plans, knowing and following rules. One of my biggest joys this week has been constructing a really well organized spreadsheet. You think I'm joking? I'll send you the google doc.

I'm also an oldest child, which means I like to do Everything. Right. And. Everything. Well. The. Very. First. Time. Which is why things like skiing, where a large portion of my day is spent falling really pisses me off. And don't get me started on crafting. Did you see those pajama pants I made freshmen year of college? They weren't so much pants as they were tents.

All that aside, this year, for me, seems to be all about letting go of plans, pushing myself (even if that means failing or not getting the result that I hope), and learning to wait and be patient in the waiting.

It's not been easy, nor necessarily comfortable for me. Remember that whole doing everything right the first time? and the liking of the plans? I'm still me, after all.

This fall, in particular, as different opportunities and new challenges and adventures are presenting themselves, I've seen how that time of discomfort, of pushing, has been preparing me.

Things that I thought were failures (or just undeniably stupid), are turning into something potentially very good.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Thursday, September 30, 2010

It seems that all my bridges have been burnedBut you say 'That's exactly how this grace thing works’It's not the long walk home that will change this heartBut the welcome I receive with every startMumford and Sons

Recently, I was asked how forgiving I was. More recently, a friend, with whom I was having a disagreement, asked how often I would allow for certain things to continue (along the lines of, "you need to teach this person a lesson.") Sunday, at church, while talking with my favorite old people, the wife said that the reason their marriage had lasted for 65 years was because it was filled with laughter, and more importantly, forgiveness.

I am no expert on forgiveness. I know that I sometimes withhold it when it is needed, or add conditions once given. I know that I don't always ask for forgiveness from those whom I have hurt.

I do know, that forgiveness, like love, has to be a continuous choice. A continual choice to let go, to not stack up lists of wrongs. To be willing to be the person that moves toward peace.

Forgiveness, like love, is something that is more about the giver than the receiver.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

While I was in Denver this last month and driving about in the city during the times that my radio (which I named Lazarus for it's unreliability of always turning on) worked, I heard the song, "Little Lion Man," by Mumford and Sons. Instant love.

This week, thanks to Amazon's daily deal, I picked up their whole album and I think that this is probably my most favorite album since The Crane Wife. There are some of you, I'm sure, who are like, "Please Hannah, Mumford and Sons, you are so two-thousand and late, I've liked them since they were just Mumford."

Well, I'm late to the pop-culture party. Big Surprise.

The song that's been on replay this week is Winter Winds. You can watch the video here

Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once lovedWas the same that sent me into your armsOh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am goneAnd no hope, no hope will overcome

And if your strife strikes at your sleepRemember spring swaps snow for leavesYou'll be happy and wholesome againWhen the city clears and sun ascends

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

This last week, in my travels, I spent a lot of time talking/processing/praying about life, about where God is leading me and why it feels that Everything Is Happening All At Once.

Now being on the "flip side" of this trip, I still have more questions than answers, more things to process, more decisions to make than decisions made.

One thing that this trip brought about was a reminder of the friends that God has placed in my life, all over the country. Friends willing to read emails, open their doors and couches, drive across country with me, and answer my crazy phone calls late when I forget about things like time changes, friends that know me and love me well enough to understand when to be silent, when to talk, when to advise, when to encourage, when to tell me I am being foolish, when to simply sing a long to Moulan Rogue at the top our lungs in Western Nebraska.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Me: blah blah blah you can call me Miss HannahFirst Grader: did you work at such and such last year?Me: No, I've worked here for 6 years.Other First Grader: That's how OLD I AM!Me: Wow! That's a lotAnother first grader: How old are you?!Me: Guess!Other First Grader: 55!

Monday, August 02, 2010

Well ‘I do’ are the two most famous last wordsThe beginning of the endBut to lose your life for another I’ve heard is a good place to beginCause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life downAnd I believe it’s an easy price for the life that we have found

And we’re dancing in the minefieldsWe’re went sailing in the stormAnd it was harder than we dreamedBut I believe that’s what the promise was forThat’s what the promise is for

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I know I've talked about it a lot, but I'm still pondering A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller and thanks to the NYG last week, it's been brought back into the forefront of my mind. Matt Popovitz spoke at the gathering and talked a lot about story... about the story that we're living, that God is using to tell the gospel.

Also that night at the mass event, there was a time of memorial for those groups who had lost youth group members or leaders since the last gathering. Most of you know that in 2008, we lost both a student and a leader within three months. We also have two other students who have lost parents (one this past year and another as an infant but through terrible circumstances). As the tribute began, I watched as my students stood, arms around each other, supporting one another.

I was struck then how powerful is the story of God. His grace, goodness, love, compassion.

How God has worked in the lives, the story of these students. How he is continuing to work good. How he is using, molding, strengthening and shaping them to be his story to others.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Ride bus with lots of high schoolersLaughCatch up with college student JessieMake one hundred inside jokesPlay cardsEat terrible fast foodArrive in New OrleansCut out mustaches and affix to skewer sticks for district booth"Test" said mustachesMeet crocodiles and alligators on the swamp tourAlso: talk like crocodile hunter on swamp tourMississippi River cruise with the WI districtSee the KRIZ!Initiate the 2010 Cajun Riverboat Dance PartyTake jumping pictures all around New OrleansSee S.SarahSee Zeal See 100 other people, friends, familyScare youth with my enthusiasm for seeing old friendsWalk, Walk, Walk, WalkAttend mass events with my youthFollow Big Barbie Worship with SoulFireBible StudiesServe the City of New OrleansEat Po'Boys, Red Beans and Rice, JambalayaWear matching shirts all week longAttend final Mass Event, say goodbye to friendsReturn to OKC

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Before most trips, while packing, I have a little dance party to try to contain my excitement(you think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not).

Every three years, my job, via the the National Youth Gathering, gives me the opportunity to see some of the people most dear to me. College friends, childhood connections, random people that I know and love, old OK district people, etc.

I love it.

It just hit me today that in about 72 hours, I will be in the midst of most of the Lutherans that I know and love.

Let the apartment dancing commence.

If you're going to be around the NYG, look for big barbie. That's my group and chances are, I'll be close by.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The High school students with which I work formed a praise band last year and have been selected to lead prayer and praise for our hotel (about 800+ students) at the 2010 National Youth Gathering taking place in New Orleans this week.

With that, I've been the primary contact person, so it's fallen to me to talk to the people that need talking to and organize the things that our group needs so that they can do what they're supposed to with minimal confusion.

I might mention that my role in leading the praise band falls somewhere between fangirl and occasional roadie.

When the NYG people called me this week to talk about sound needs this is what I heard:

NYG Man: Now, I've got 7 zip zorps and 3 wibble wobbles to plug into your hokey pokeys. Do you think this will be sufficient?Me: (long pause while I try to figure out the best way to say that I have no effing clue) Can you email that to me so I can double check?

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

So, I've got this big trip with my high schoolers in about a week (do not remind me how much I have to do, I'm avoiding it).

The trip is in New Orleans and prior to Friday, I owned two pairs of shorts. So, I went to Old Navy and this is what transpired:

Me to dressing room lady (DRL): How do we feel about these shorts?DRL: Very cute! You are totally rocking them.Me: I'm going on a trip to New OrleansDRL: Awesome! Yeah those are fine.Me: I'm 28, and I'm going with high school students. As an adult.DRL: (looks over shorts) Oh honey, no. Try something else.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

June? Are you still here? I seemed to have missed you in the hustle and bustle and the awesome that I've been experiencing.

Friends, I had great intentions of telling you all about my adventures in the mountains, but my middle school trip preparations to Nebraska took precedence.

Since college, since friends have been sent to the four corners, weddings have been the time that we get together and celebrate. My favorite thing about the Sarah getting married is having the chance to spend time with her and Ryan and the life that she's creating for herself. Sunday afternoon and into the evening, we spent time laughing, talking, joking with the new couple which might be one of my very favorite times of the whole week (but its a close call, b/c there were some great moments).

All the wedding things seemed to go smoothly and with little stress and Sarah was the most calm bride of all my friends--even with some things that didn't go quite as planned.

As always, there never is quite enough time... Colorado holds some of my very favorite people and it never seems like the days/week that I spend there are enough to contain all the things that I want to do and experience.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Anybody remember that Baz Luhrmann song, Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen? I suppose that it's not really a song, so much as wisdom dispensed over a beat and played incessantly the summer before my senior year of high school.

While I don't dispute the wisdom that Mr. Luhrmann and as someone who has attended her fair share of high school graduations (as a youth worker, its in the job description), I've been thinking about my own little bit of advice Baz Luhrmann style:

To the Valedictorians, when writing your speeches:-Funny is remembered and appreciated more than the serious (boring). If you can communicate some actual truth in the midst of humor, a+ for you. In 5 or 6 or 10 years when you deliver a Maid of Honor or Best Man toast, you would do well to remember this then too. -We all know that you don't have enough life experience to share "wisdom" with your classmates. You don't have to remind us at the beginning of your speech.-Thank your parents. Thank your friends and family, but don't belabor the point. We don't get the inside jokes, hilarious though they may be to you, and if you're one of ten valedictorians, we may not have the patience for it either.

For the graduates:-Yes, life as you know it is changing. While it may be a little sad, don't let high school be your last big adventure. What a shame it would be to peak at 18... you've barely started living.-You may have heard that life is what you make of it and it's true. You're at the point now called, "adulthood." Up until now, people have largely been making choices for you. Failure was always somewhat cushioned by youth. You're responsible for yourself now.-Find good friends. Be comfortable with the fact that the good friends may not be the coolest. You're probably not as cool as you think you are either so it balances out. -Take risks, but recognize that there is a difference in taking risks and risky behavior. Drinking excessively and passing out at that college party is not "taking a risk," it's mostly stupid. -Love is hard work. It takes time and effort.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Yesterday, needing some supplies for my portion of the house church dinner, I headed over to the grocery store across the street from the church. Closed. Sunday's hail had damaged the roof and they were working on repairing it, according the big signs stretched across the doors.

Disappointed, I headed over to the Wal-mart a few miles down the road. Pulling into the suspiciously empty parking lot, but noticing people walking in and out of the store, I went ahead and parked, but was told they were also closed for repairs from Sunday's hail.

For try three I headed even farther away to a much more expensive, limited and very crowded store to buy the things I needed. What was to be a 10 minute errand ended up taking nearly two hours.

I'm sure that a more socially minded person would be quick to remind me (and the thought crossed my mind) that, "just think what the people after Katrina had to go through," or "you think this is hard?! People in Africa have to grow their own corn to make into food. That's hard!" And I'm aware of that, I really am.

Monday, May 17, 2010

I love music. I love discovering new songs and artists, but there's something to be said about old standards.

I have a few songs that have stuck with me over the years, songs that I can listen to again and again, then put away to wear out another time. Songs that, for whatever reason, always seem like the "right song" with the "right words". Sometimes, they provide the ability to work with minimal distraction, to think through things, to define a moment, or sometimes, speak truth.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

For nearly 6 years, I've lived here and I've scoffed at what I felt were your attempts at "Winter storms" and "tornadic activity." I've mocked your weathermen, secretly rolling my eyes at Gary England's theatrics, or popping in a movie and avoiding the whole business. I've been known to say with a nonchalant attitude, "well, we had storms in Illinois/Nebraska, no big deal.

After the weather these last few months, I do so solemnly swear to take you seriously weather gods. Your untimely snow storms (CHRISTMAS?!? MY BIRTHDAY?!) got my attention this winter. I realized that I might have hurt your feelings by mocking you in the past. But this last week, from crazy tornadoes and today's hail storms that damaged my car (IN ITS COVERED PARKING SPOT), I fear that I may have seriously pissed you off. You're no longer playing fair.

Please stop being so angry. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. Now, be nice.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

And by full, I mean a-million-things-on-my-to-do-list-so-of-course-I'm-blogging-about-it-instead-of-doing-it.

With VBS looming (and the ever present, "oh my goodness we do NOT have enough family group leaders! There will be children running AMUCK!" panic that attends it), a trip to the mountains for the wedding of a best friend (!), and a middle school trip to Nebraska shortly following, life is full of the short term busy and the long term busy.

Add to that some personal deadlines that I've set for myself this month and my head feels like it just might explode.

So, if you see me running around, headless, the pieces I'm sure are very nearby.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I'm back from the big eff. I'll write more later, when I'm not procrastinating the 19 million things that need to be done before the crazy-ness that will be my next, oh 3 months or so, but, I wanted to leave you a picture and a story:

My Grandpa was selected to go on an honor flight (read the story here) honoring WW2 vets.

As it was his first time flying, the Southwest crew announced that there was an 85 year old man who had never flown before and they gave him a pair of wings!

The Stuckemeyer-Ramsey-Miller-Winter Reception at the homecoming parade.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Today after preschool chapel, one of the the little girls was searching under the pews in the sanctuary, frantically, while the teachers aid was helping her search. The little girl was clearly upset, so I asked what she was looking for and she said, tears running down her cheeks, "I have lost my lipstick!"

Monday, April 19, 2010

Part of my responsibilities as a youth worker is to help plan the once-yearly high school weekend retreat.

This last week, we were talking about the theme of the next year's gathering and we began talking, amongst other things, what it would have been like to have lived in the time of Jesus and to be one of the disciples and how that would have affected their lives to the very end.

I wondered if, after Jesus ascended to heaven, if the disciples and other followers got together for dinner and told the wonderful stories about their time with Jesus on earth, looking forward to the time in heaven retelling those stories. If one of them would say something and another would say, "Hey remember when Jesus did this...?" or, "remember that time when Jesus...." before launching into a well-loved, often-told tale.

During that District meeting, we jumped from talking about the disciples being part of a story just as our youth (and ourselves) part of that larger story. To mis-quote Don Miller, we're the trees, but the story is about the forest.

In my house church, we are beginning to read the gospels as part of a larger, narrative story (instead of piece by piece). I'm so excited to get into this because I think that the stories are something that my soul is needing right now. I'm ready to hear and live the story.

The stories give hope and humanity to things that are otherwise boiled down to memory verses, sound bites and moral tales. The stories matter

Saturday, April 17, 2010

What if we stopped having a ballWhat if the paint chips from the wallWhat if there's always cups in the sinkWhat if I'm not what you think I amWhat if I fall further than youWhat if you dream of somebody newWhat if I never let you win-- And chase you with a rolling pin-- Well, what if I do?

Cause I am giving up on making passesand I am giving up on half empty glassesand I am giving up on greener grassesI am giving up

What if our baby comes in after nineWhat if your eyes close before mineWhat if you lose yourself sometimesI'll be the one to find you safe in my heart.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I'm not sure if it's been this beautiful spring weather (the mornings, in particular), sleeping with the windows open or the fact that I'll be in Illinois next week, but my mind has been taking me there in my dreams many nights this week.

In last night's dream, I was back in high school and for some reason, needed to take my combine to school. While that's a little odd--particularly given the fact that I've never driven a combine--the REALLY weird part was the color of the combine.

RED.

RED?!

My John Deere (Green and Yellow) loving family would be hanging their heads in shame.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

While I'm glad that you're on this "fitness kick" that you seem to enjoy so much, please remember that you've got to have me around for hopefully another 50 or 60 years. You should remember that just because you walk 6 miles a couple of times a week you DO NOT USE THE SAME MUSCLES ON A BICYCLE.

When you overestimate your athletic prowess by saying to a friend, "Sure I can ride 9.1 miles around the lake, no problem," you will most likely end up cursing yourself about halfway through and realizing that there is no way to get back to your ride other than by dropping an f bomb and powering through to the end, even though it's like pedaling through soup because the wind is so fierce.

Also it's a good idea to remember that you have to climb stairs to your apartment, carrying your heavy mountain bike, so when your legs shake uncontrollably the first time only carrying your purse... you've probably overextended yourself.

If you could take notes and try to improve before the next time you decide to do something athletic (remember your first time skiiing?), we'll get along much better.

I've been working on a couple of "personal challenges" that I'm really excited about from big to small.

This week's challenge: No TV week (to see how I fare without the cable tv). If there are shows I want to watch, I can watch them online the next day. Plus, with summer and its insanity rounding the corner, I'm not sure it's that continuing to pay for something that I barely watch in the evening is the best budgetary decision I can make at this point in time.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Friday, April 02, 2010

I wonder what the disciples were thinking on Palm Sunday, entering Jerusalem triumphantly, shouting with the crowds, "Hosanna, Lord Save us" as people laid palm branches before their king.

I wonder what they were thinking as they watched him cleanse the temple. Did they watch in amazement and trepidation or wonder who he was that dared such things?

I wonder what they were thinking at the passover feast, when he knelt to wash their feet, as he broke bread, passed the wine, told of upcoming betrayal, reclining with him, enjoying the time, one meal among many they'd shared... did they know it was the last?

What were they thinking when they went to Gethsemane? Did they understand his grief, his urgency, his prayers, the reason he was soaked with sweat, burdened with unseen weight?

What about when they saw Judas, one of them arriving, kissing Jesus on the cheek, handing him over to death?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Back in middle schol, high school and even college, I was big on praying for signs. "Dear Jesus, if it rains today it means that so and so likes me," "If (fill in the blank) happens, it means that this is what I'm supposed to do with my life," or "It would be so much easier if God would plant a big flashing arrow in the way I'm supposed to go!"

As I've gotten older, read more, experienced more, grown closer and grown farther apart in my faith walk, I think I've come to the conclusion that "signs" (burning bushes or the flashing arrow variety) are few and far between.

I can say with certainty that I've felt God's voice speak to me twice in my adult life. Once before I found out I was coming to Oklahoma and another time I'm still waiting to see how He is working that out.

The rest of the time, with decisions, large or small, with big risk or no risk, I find that God's love and past provision enables me to make choices with freedom (and maybe a little angst).

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing … not healing, not curing … that is a friend who cares."--Henri Nouwen

A Tale of Two Friends:

So, I have this walking buddy. I'd like to call her NTJ. NTJ has become a good friend, albiet the fact that we disagree on most things (social policy, our varying degrees of lutheranism, politics, etc). However, we respect each other enough that we can discuss most things in a civil way. The one thing about NTJ that "bothers" me... for lack of a better word is her desire to make every situation positive. I don't mean that to sound cynical. I'll explain a little more.

I have another former walking buddy who moved up north and I'll call "the Kriz." The Kriz and I have spent lots of time talking and sharing. The thing that I love/hate most about the Kriz is her capacity to lay out the truth... most of the time in a loving way and her ability to not sugar coat a situation.

During the last week, I've talked with both NTJ and the Kriz about some things going on and their responses were very different. NTJ listened and said, "well... something pacifying... God will work it out... something something something" (that's not the EXACT thing she said). The Kriz listened and said, "Well... guess you'll have to wait and see, now suck it up." (that's not the EXACT thing she said either, but I'm paraphrasing).

I think that there is a lot of strength in a friendship that allows for someone to say to you, in truth and love that "it may not get better." I also think that as a culture, we're so focused on avoiding conflict and making things better right away and slapping band-aids on bullet holes that we forget that there's lessons to be learned in the waiting, the grieving, and the struggle that are better than any lessons that a quick fix can offer.

Here's to the sitting, the waiting and for the friends that sit and wait with you.

Monday, March 22, 2010

"This is how it worksYou're young until you're notYou love until you don'tYou try until you can'tYou laugh until you cryYou cry until you laughAnd everyone must breatheUntil their dying breath

No, this is how it worksYou peer inside yourselfYou take the things you likeAnd try to love the things you tookAnd then you take that love you madeAnd stick it into someSomeone else's heartPumping someone else's bloodAnd walking arm in armYou hope it don't get harmedBut even if it doesYou'll just do it all again"

I recently re-read Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.

For those of you reading that don't know, Donald Miller's book is about living a better story. He says that a good story is a character that wants something and goes through conflict to get it. What makes a great story if the something they want is meaningful. Don also writes that our lives are our stories and the book has really convicted me to "live a better story"

Since reading the book, I've taken on some "personal projects" in an effort to live a better story. In my last blog, I think I called it, "the time of Hannah doing some difficult things," things that have the potential of immediate conflict (not necessarily bad conflict, but definitely not easy) and no easy resolutions. But, it feels good. Scary and exciting, but good.

It's feeling a little like spring cleaning... dusting off the cobwebs, opening the windows, airing out the house, looking around and looking forward to the upcoming season.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

A couple of years (yes, years) ago, I posted a couple of blogs about vulnerability.

As I've grown up, I've had a curious pendulum swing with "vulnerability". As a college freshman, dealing with the stress of moving away from home, friend drama and homework, being vulnerable meant crying. A Lot. I would pour my tearful angst-ridden woes out and think to myself, "I can sense that this is not bringing people closer to me.... but I'm BEING VULNERABLE!"

In reality, I was probably depressed and whiny. Both completely curable. And the things that I thought were bringing me closer to friends were actually pushing me away from authentic relationships.

It took all four years of my college career and a couple of years out in adulthood to understand that, but not before swinging to the other end of the spectrum, to a time I like to call, "the time of not talking to anyone about anything."

During that time, everything, even when it was terrible, was "fine" or "good." Granted, during that time, during some more bad drama and other issues, I had been told by friends (and several others) that, "we don't want to hear the bad," and the message that I took from that was no matter the problem, or the issue I was facing, I needed to not talk about it or "man-up" and deal with it, and still keep smiling, even if that was not how I was feeling.

While that made things better on the surface, it was still incredibly lonely and frustrating. While it made for easier friendships and relationships, the depth of true friendship was missing.

These last couple of years (and mostly the last 18 months or so,) I feel like I may be getting the hang of what it means to be vulnerable--not the whiny, depressed "vulnerable" of the college student Hannah and not the walled-off cheerfulness that hid the real me--but a me that is honest with who I am, what my limitations are, and the struggles and joys that I'm experiencing and how to share that with others... And it's taken true friends that have chosen to love me in spite of/because of all of that.

In an effort to live as someone who is truly open, I've noticed that it also means doing the hard things that I don't necessarily want to do. It's saying things that need to be said, putting myself in situations that can be challenging, but better in the long run and being "honestly Hannah" in all circumstances, quirks and all. And it's infinitely better than either side of the pendulum.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

My friend Jules (aka the spode) has made a recent, valiant effort to return to the blogosphere.

I'm going to attempt the same thing.

Now, I know, I know, blog friends, I've been promising that for a while now and haven't been so good, and I don't know that I can actually promise that I'll be much better this time around, BUT, I'll make an effort.

I think that the biggest difference in the past year and a half/two, I've been so busy living life that I haven't had much time to overanalyze process every stinking thing.

It makes a big difference. But, it's not an excuse to not try to update you with a little more regularity.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

"This love described by Paul isn’t mushy and sentimental. It’s tough and unwilling to yield. This love that is patient and kind and isn’t rude or boastful and is self-giving and all that. Here’s what is scary about this kind of love: you can’t manipulate it. There is no amount of weight loss, piety, personality management, big smiles, or strained pretense that can affect this love. And maybe in the absence of manipulation we stand bare before the eyes of God. This love is found in the gaze of God as God looks upon us naked and whole. Because this type of love is characterized by the giver, not the receiver. Gone are the strivings and manipulations and efforts to make ourselves more lovable. In the face-to-face gaze of the beloved, we are known because we are loved. We aren’t loved because we are known."

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Snow! Visit from the LauraDinner at Iguana GrillPresents and presence from people I loveCranium and CupcakesGreat quotes, "Was the sandwich named after the earl of sandwich or the earl after the sandwich?" and "It's not that I don't like talking about dead babies, but..." Lots and lots of laughterSoulFire leading worshipCoffee ShopHooray for A GREAT Birthday

Thursday, January 28, 2010

After Saturday's movie night (it went well friends, thanks for the prayers) in which kids brought lots of friends, I received an email from a parent wondering if we had done enough to reach out to those not part of our group.

I had been gauging the event's success on the fact that kids brought friends. Period. But I also know that there is/was probably more that we can do and that Saturday's event was just a "step" in the right direction of being more open to those around us.

Today, I got an email from a parent saying that their child (typically a quiet one) was bringing their friend to another youth event.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

This weekend, we are taking our high school students to see the movie To Save a Life. I had an opportunity to preview this movie a couple of months ago and am really excited for it and for the discussion I hope comes from the movie is powerful.

The movie is about a boy named Jake, whose life begins to change when a former friend commits suicide. The movie is a pretty accurate portrayal of a lot of typical high school things, (partying, social circles, relationships) and it has an authentic mentoring relationship between youth worker and youth that I really enjoyed seeing.

But mostly, the movie is about...suicide.

A year and a half ago, a student at my church committed suicide.

Since then, that event and the time that followed falls into the category of, "the things I never talk about."

This movie, the message and the fact that I am preparing to lead discussion with the high school students after means that I have been staring down the face of this "thing that I never talk about" and will mean that I may have to talk about it to some extent, throwing me into a bit of emotional turmoil.

So, blog buddies, pray for me. This head on confrontation is causing lots of heartache and a little bit of anxiety.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

A couple of weeks ago, during the high school small group, we read one of my very favorite parts of scripture--the sinful woman washing Jesus' feet. We talked about how Jesus, instead of condemning says, "this woman has done a beautiful thing for me."

In life, we (and by we, I mean that I am) are a lot like the woman in this account looking for the beautiful in the broken pieces. One particular youth in this group lost a parent in very tragic circumstances. The fact that he is healthy, strong, living and that his family has built a new life out of those broken pieces is a testament of God's beauty and something that I sometimes marvel.

Beauty out of the broken.

Our broken, sinful hearts seek and cry out for restoration and redemption.

For a time period of about 18 months several years ago (my life seems to move in 18 month time spans), there was a time when I felt broken. Broken by circumstances, failed relationships, friendships, finances, work, life. Much like Donald Miller in his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years that he felt as though he would never thank God for the things he was experiencing, I felt the same way. There were many things that I felt would never resolve, would never get better, would never get repaired (as evidenced by this blog o mine).

The other night, while thinking about that time, it suddenly hit me that time of feeling broken was a time that God was using to bring about beauty. There is a lot of beauty in my life that came from that time. New friends, new relationships, new experiences, a stronger wearing, longer lasting version of myself. And even though I thought I would never thank God for that time, I am thankful. Thankful for the newness He's brought and thankful for beautiful things he has done and continues to do for me.