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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

This Is Me: Just A Girl

"The Truth is, I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me."

-Marilyn Monroe

I've decided to do a series of posts. The real me. In blogging, and sometimes in real life, who you are isn't always clear. You only put out there what you want others to see. I think this is a way of keeping some things personal-which can be good. But I want you all to know who I truly am. In this series of posts called, This Is Me, my hope is that you will get to know who I am and not who I may appear to be by a photo or a mere post.

My name is Lauren and I am an average girl. I am not famous or rich or even extremely talented. That's not to say that I don't have talents. God made us all with a purpose. In my past, and even in my present, I have had some people jump to the assumption....that I am snobby, narcissistic even. If they only knew how untrue this is. Maybe this is because I have quite a few photos of myself or maybe because I am shy. I feel people out before I open myself up to others.

Underneath any of my confidence striking poses or seemingly sure-footed photos, I am a girl who is discovering new things about myself often. I am just a girl who wants to be loved. I have insecurities just like every other girl out there.

I recently read the book, Marilyn Monroe, The Personal Archives. I have always been intrigued by Marilyn, an icon and vixen throughout the ages. I am not intrigued because of her sex symbol status, but because she started out like a lot of us, a lonely young girl looking to be loved. Her beginning was a sad start. A childhood filled with loneliness and parents who deserted her. She was an average girl and somehow she became who she is today. A legend in many eyes. What interests me the most is that she had success, fame, money, beauty, she was wanted by every man and every woman wanted to be like her. She could sing, dance and act. She had everything one might think was important and yet through her entire life, she battled with depression and suffered with many insecurities. She never had the one thing that she longed for, someone who loved her unconditionally.

I think this is such an eye-awakening lesson. When I look to another girl and wish that I had something that she has...something that I lack, I remember that one of the most beautiful women in the world had it all and still felt empty. Before you judge someone, or label them, don't. You never know what struggles another is battling. Even more, you don't know who they truly are.

When I was growing up, I was....well, a bit of a nerd. I loved animals and writing and my awkward appearance didn't help win any beauty pageants, that's for sure. I didn't care. I was always independent and what anyone thought was not my concern. I had such great confidence. As I grew into a teenager, things changed.

I went to quite a few different schools in the course of my education and it seemed I was always the new girl. Let me tell you that being a new girl is not easy, especially as a teenager. I didn't make friends easily. Most of the kids had grown up with their classmates their entire lives. I was an outsider. I had a few close friends but they were not in the same school as I. At a time when my parents had gotten divorced, and I was feeling very alone, I desperately needed a friend. Instead I got looks and glares from the "popular" girls. This happened in school after school.
Looking back, I think this rejection led me to believe I was not good enough. I looked for love in other places.

Boys.

They seemed to be nice to me and as time would tell, I was pretty good at capturing their attention.

And there was this one boy, who really had eyes for me. He would talk to me occasionally and occasionally turned into often. He made me feel important and wanted. Somehow, this friendship turned into a love affair. This feeling overpowered the fact that he had a girlfriend. I was so blinded by his utter desire for me that I dismissed my values. He was going to leave his girlfriend for me. He had told me this more than once. I don't know if I ever really believed him. Still, I carried on with him. His girlfriend was one of the ones who never gave me a chance, one of the ones who was cruel to me. In my unripe mind, this was her karma. The weeks went by and I realized that he wasn't going to leave her. I was just his thrill on a rainy day. It came down to an ultimatum and when he chose her, once again, I wasn't good enough. On went my battle of self worth and the desperate need to be loved.

Sadly, I went through quite a few hopeless relationships. Some very short, others long, and some simultaneously. My want for love quickly overtook my morals. I was blinded by the infatuation of being loved. I didn't understand that love isn't created by asking for or by convincing with enticement. Love is given. I was too young to know that none of it was love.

The truth was, I was just looking to be loved. The truth.....it was so plain to see, only I was looking in the wrong places. And all of a sudden as I discovered this, I became so transparent.

I stopped and took a look at myself in the mirror.
Everything was all wrong...
I wasn't the girl that was staring back at me, undignified and selfish.
As much as I desperately needed to change, I felt stuck. I wish I could say that soon after I found happiness. But that didn't happen. It wasn't for a few more turbulent years that my true love came along and blindsided me. When this happened, I finally saw that those years and years of games that I thought were love, were merely lessons. Ty opened the door for me and a beautiful light came over me. He saved me in a thousand ways. I have no doubt that God sent him to love me.

My teenage and younger years were a huge struggle for me. I'm not blaming my actions on others, but had one girl said, "Hi, how are you?" or asked me to sit with them, then maybe, just maybe I would have felt differently. And maybe I wouldn't have had to go through years of self worth issues. One gesture might have made a world of difference. Now that I am older and more mature, I am a different type of person. In the moment, I was blind, in hindsight, I see clearly. I have gained my confidence back and I don't worry about what others think of me. I worry about doing something good for someone else. I worry about making a difference in the life of someone who might be in the same position that I was.
I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Like I didn't fit in.

I still feel like an outsider sometimes. When I meet new people, in this huge blogging world, moving to a new place...I feel it all over again. I'm still that young, confused girl just looking to be loved and accepted. I can deeply relate to Marilyn Monroe when she said,

"I still feel this sad, bitter child's frightened eyes looking out of mine."

I still don't have it all figured out but I never judge anyone. We are here to love, not judge or cast jealous glances. As girls, we need to stand together and help each other out. Not put each other down or hurt one another. I give everyone a chance. I've learned through my own, hard-learned experience that there is more to someone than what meets the eye.

This post was beautiful! I can totally TOTALLY relate with you on a lot of things you wrote here! I agree that all girls should stick together instead of bashing one another. I will never understand why girls have to be like that!!

<3 Girls need to stick together and not bash each other for sure. It seems it will never end. Sometimes I wonder if there is honestly a girl who hasn't been a victim of another girl's meanness. Meanness perpetuated by meanness. I think only by realizing this can we change it, for our daughters and their daughters.

You are so open and honest and brave for putting this all out there. It's hard to admit these things: feeling alone, confused. I felt so alone in high school, and it wasn't until college that I really opened up and explored openly who I was and what I want to be. Being a mom, I feel like I am judged ALL the time. Why do you let your kid eat that, why did you do it that way. I am sure you get that too. How do you deal? I am so exited to have you over in a few days!

This is such a great post. I can really really relate to this. I'm a military brat moved every 2 years in school. In high schools I was constantly bullied. I had bad hygiene, no sense of style, big glasses, acne. I didn't even get noticed by boys till college and even then it's been nothing but bad relationships. I totally know where your coming from. Can't wait to read your future posts!

this was one of my favorite posts of yours, lauren. i love how real and honest you always are. i know your words will ring true with a lot of us. i could relate to so much of what you wrote about.thanks for always sharing your heart. <3you're beautiful.xoxoxmaria

Thank you for your honesty and transparency.It's funny, because I feel like my story is a bit opposite of yours - I felt most secure in my teenage/college years, and now here I am as a married 26 year old woman who is experiencing the unconditional love of a man for the first time in my life and I am struggling with insecurity more than I ever have before. Coincidentally, in my moments of hurt, I find myself judging other women more than ever (which, of course, never makes me truly feel any better).This post was just the wake up call I needed to be honest with myself and my feelings, and embrace the love I have in my life.Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Absolutely love this post. Our stories are so similar I feel like I could have wrote this myself. I, too, (at age 25) feel like I'm getting to a place where I'm confident in my own skin and need noone else's validation to feel whole. I, too, agree that we are not here to judge anyone else and that everyone has worth. It is definitely a process and a journey....