Monthly Archives: January 2015

Wow!! Have you ever wondered why there isn’t a guide book specific for your life that you can open up and find the exact right chapter for the exact circumstance that you need help with…and there would be your answer? I have! I know that some of you are thinking…”What about the Bible?”, and yes, while that’s fair…it’s not what I mean. I mean a book entitled “What to do When…”. I think it would be a best seller – if it had answers!
“What to do When…” Chapter 3 – Your Child Won’t Eat His Spinach
“What to do When”…Chapter 8 – Your Car is on its Last Miles
“What to do When”…Chapter 14 – Your Dog is Being Disgusting and Just Ran Through the House In Front of Company With Your Panties in His Mouth”
….Well….you get the idea. 😉 But really…to have a book with all of the answers in it on how to handle every confusing situation that comes up in your life – well…that would be amazing! Obviously that book doesn’t exist and it won’t either. So that leaves us charged with the responsibility of working these things out for ourselves. I don’t know, but I am pretty sure most of us struggle with decisions sometimes. We wonder what is the “right” or “wrong” thing to do under certain circumstances. I think that the more I am experiencing life (notice…I avoided saying “the older I get” 😉 ) the more I am realizing that there aren’t necessarily rights and wrongs. We just live life. We just do our best and we plod along together with each other – and sometimes alone with only our thoughts for company – but we Just Live Life!!!
I don’t know…I guess I’m feeling a bit philosophical right now. Taking myself out of any grief or heavy feelings today, I am able to look at things a bit differently for the moment. Life is what we make of it…the good and the bad. Life is always going to be full of the unexpected. There will be days and times in our lives when it feels like everything is pretty smooth sailing, and then there will be times when it feels like life is falling apart, crumbling around our feet. But it’s not. It never will fall apart. I think where there is any human existence that we can reach out to, we are going to survive. When you can’t pull yourself up…there is someone out there that doesn’t find you nearly as heavy as you feel you are. We breathe…breathe…and we breathe again. Life goes on. Love goes on. As each sad experience takes away a part of us it also adds a new part to us…a part that is rich in depth and new understanding and forms us to be ready for the next experiences that come along. We grow and we blossom and we end up with these amazingly beautiful rays of light in our souls that every once in awhile we can let shine! MWAH!!!!!

Ciao Amici!!!

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But for a moment…
fleeting as it may be,
the long awaited enters through the window.
With anxious trepidation you reach to grasp it,
holding it in your heart long enough
to feel it whisper through your soul.
It exists, although not often in your reality.
But for a moment
it quietly fills you – and you stir.
You breathe in its bouquet and its sweetness
carries you back to hope.
You drink in its nectar…
a sweet healing honey that soothes your sorrow.
Yet, all too soon it gathers the dreams
it had carried with it,
leaving behind the pain
that once again binds you to itself.
But you have felt, you have breathed, you have tasted.
You know now that it exists
and you allow yourself to hope…
if but for a moment.

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I’ve often wondered what it would be like to not be so introspective. I can’t imagine. If you want to get into my head (which I’m not sure you would)…it’s actually pretty complex at times. I am sensitive to a fault. There has to be a huge correlation between that and the introspection. When I have feelings that I don’t understand…the “why” of them drives me crazy…I have to know why. It would be much easier to just accept them at face value…if I need to know the “why” it will certainly surface at some point in time…but it’s very hard for me to do that. I can’t “fix” my feelings if I don’t know why they exist. I am uncomfortable with sadness. I suppose most of us are. I have never thought of myself as brave in the least but I think writing in this blog is pretty brave. I expose a lot of myself through the musings and the poetry, and I guess that takes a lot of courage to do. It helps me work through so much but at the same time, it can leave me pretty naked emotionally. I’m going to give you a glimpse of the sensitivity that formed me…this is embarrassing and you will either laugh or think I’m insane…I’m hoping for the humor aspect to kick in for most of you but who knows? I am so ridiculously sensitive that when I was a kid growing up and had to set the dinner table…I would feel bad for whichever piece of silverware had to be placed on the table last. I worried it would feel left out or not as important as the other utensils. Ha! Now…as an adult I can look back at that and be reasonably sure that I was projecting my own feelings onto that last fork or spoon. I felt very alone as a child and as children we are not intellectually or emotionally developed enough to address those types of feelings and deal with them. As you can imagine…setting the dinner table was a huge source of angst for me. 😉 I’m not very different than most people. I’ve been through more pain than some…not as much as others. I have to fight against the sensitive side though and that is where my writings have helped. I am in need of that help again. I have a tendency to want to shut down when I feel too much and I am feeling too much now. It comes and goes but tonight is gray and cold. This past year I’ve run from my feelings a lot. I had to…it literally was survival. The last few days I’ve been trying to sit with my feelings more and be more honest with myself about them. I am so very uncomfortable with that and to be very honest…there’s an absolute ton of hurt inside yet. I don’t say that for sympathy…I’m okay – I really am. I’m starting to face a lot of things about myself that I haven’t been, and trying to find the answers for moving forward and it’s so hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be, because I’m allowing the pain to exist and speak to me while at the same time – trying to not allow it to consume me. I’m trusting that if I let the pain breathe, then it will eventually evaporate. I don’t know what my life looks like going forward. I do know that I don’t want to hurt anymore…nobody does, but my introspective self wants to figure out how to avoid the hurt while my sensitive side just feels more pain in that process. A huge part of me wants to just “stop, drop and roll”…like you do when you’re on fire. I want to drop to the ground and curl up in a ball and hold myself so tightly that nobody can get in. If I don’t let anyone in anymore, there will be no pain. The losses will then come on my terms while I’m already hurting and not come through life throwing you curve balls. But I also know that is not living life…it’s hiding from life and it’s cowardly. I’ve let a lot of new people into my life the last few months…and each one is so important to me. I can’t imagine losing any of them. And maybe more appropriately…they’ve allowed me into theirs.
I will find a way to come to terms with the pain. I’m going to trust in the fact that if you look hard enough, each day holds enough good in it to make another one worthwhile.