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Topic: How to respond to the ultimate guilt trip.... (Read 5120 times)

I would like to preface this by saying I LOVE my Mom...she has so many wonderful qualities and she is my best friend- I would not trade her for the world.

That being said, she is a self-admitted "thoughtless" person at times. Even knowing this about her, I still find her lack of concern for others, including myself, sometimes to be frustrating and even hurtful. She can come across as very much self-centred and completely oblivious to anyone else's suffering but her own...and she suffers so much more than anyone else

There are times when my frustration comes out in conversations with friends, not in a ranting way, only in a give and take conversation (my closest friends know my Mom well enough to understand when I get frustrated...they have their own issues with their Moms too.) I have been in a situation recently at a social occasion where I was having a general discussion about the ups and downs of life with my Mom right now and someone, who was not part of the conversation, interjected with "Moms won't be around forever...you need to appreciate them while you can and not complain." As lovely as this sentiment is, I don't think it serves any purpose but to try and make the speaker (me) feel bad about myself for ever daring to utter a word of complaint about someone *I* know intimately. Consequently I was a little that this stranger was telling me how to think and behave.

Does this fall into the category that because the conversation was in a public place anyone is free to throw their $.02 in or is it within the realm of etiquette to simply walk away and continue the conversation elsewhere?

A person standing nearby but who was not part of the conversation "circle" is the way it happened in this case. It would be like having our own table at a restaurant and this person was at the table next to us...kwim?

I think it is a bit rude to butt in with platitudes, but the slightly evil side of me would be waiting for the next time it happens, and then say, "OH I KNOW! Mom passed in 1983... I know she's only hanging around because of love, though."

But again, evil.

So you're probable safe in giving Millicent Bystander a tight smile and turning back to your conversation in a slightly lower tone.

An eavesdropper then? Honestly, sometimes people just need to vent and it doesn't mean that we don't love the person we are venting about, just that we are frustrated in the moment. Strangers shouldn't comment on the content of conversations happening at a reasonable volume near them. If it was someone you know and was likely to hear, is it possible that maybe you were complaining more than you realized? But really, that's more of a social thing as far as oversharing on a topic than an etiquette issue. As far as etiquette is concerned, it isn't appropriate to scold people in a situation like this.

If I was at a party and a friend wouldn't stop complaining about something, I might say something to indicate that they were bringing the mood level down, but I wouldn't try to guilt trip them. Inserting oneself into a conversation that didn't include me? Wouldn't do it unless it was for a fun reason

"Moms won't be around forever...you need to appreciate them while you can and not complain."

Apart from being a guilt-trippy platitude, this sentiment is not as beautiful or wholesome as people think it is. It is a faulty reasoning. Let me explain why I say this.

Yes, it is true, scary as it is: any person we love could be dead tomorrow. Heck, each of us could be dead tomorrow. Life is unpredictable and harsh sometimes. Experience irl, and stories we read in the hug folder, make that abundantly clear.

However, is that a reason to grin and bear every problematic behaviour of our loved ones today, to ignore every problem in our relationships? No. It is, on the contrary, a reason to voice and work out our differences with them, so that we can enjoy our relationship, friendship, family ties to the fullest while we can. So that when they do pass away, we can look back on good memories, and not on a lifetime of unspoken resentment.

What is important though, in the context of "life can go out suddenly like a candle", is to always part on good terms, and to never forget to let people feel you love them, if you do.

(As far as all of this is possible, of course. For the sake of sanity, I'm talking in general here, and excluding toxic relationships. For example, for myself I have no interest in trying to "enjoy family ties to the fullest" with my own toxic bio-mom, or letting her back into my life. That ship has sailed. I'm talking here only about normal situations with everyday annoyances that can be overcome.)

It's none of their business, they don't know you, they don't know your relationship with your parent, and they have no idea what you are going through. In a perfect world we would all never complain about anyone, and appreciate everyone. But - this isn't a perfect world.

and for the record - I don't like the sentiment. it's like - duh, i know my parent won't be around forever. but as a 52 YO dealing with an 82 YO father, yeah - it gets difficult at times. of course I complain and talk about it with my siblings/friends. by allowing myself to vent to others, i then have the strength and compassion to deal with my father in a more relaxed and calm way (well, for the most part, anyway).

Evil Poundcake would probably say something like "Thank you for that meaningless platitude," but really, it does help to remember that the person saying this is probably dealing with their own guilt trip about their own mother. If it's a stranger interrupting, ignore. If it's someone you know, it's fine to say something like "Phrases like that really don't help me with my real-life issues, so please don't use them, okay?"

"Moms won't be around forever...you need to appreciate them while you can and not complain."

Apart from being a guilt-trippy platitude, this sentiment is not as beautiful or wholesome as people think it is. It is a faulty reasoning. Let me explain why I say this.

Yes, it is true, scary as it is: any person we love could be dead tomorrow. Heck, each of us could be dead tomorrow. Life is unpredictable and harsh sometimes. Experience irl, and stories we read in the hug folder, make that abundantly clear.

However, is that a reason to grin and bear every problematic behaviour of our loved ones today, to ignore every problem in our relationships? No. It is, on the contrary, a reason to voice and work out our differences with them, so that we can enjoy our relationship, friendship, family ties to the fullest while we can. So that when they do pass away, we can look back on good memories, and not on a lifetime of unspoken resentment.

What is important though, in the context of "life can go out suddenly like a candle", is to always part on good terms, and to never forget to let people feel you love them, if you do.

(As far as all of this is possible, of course. For the sake of sanity, I'm talking in general here, and excluding toxic relationships. For example, for myself I have no interest in trying to "enjoy family ties to the fullest" with my own toxic bio-mom, or letting her back into my life. That ship has sailed. I'm talking here only about normal situations with everyday annoyances that can be overcome.)

Very well put!! I knew someone who had lost her mother and she used to pull this all the time. Then going on 2 years ago one of my aunts died and a year ago my cousin used that line as a way to try and talk me into mending fences with my parents.

Logged

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

How about replying, "Is that a promise?" And then turn your conversation back to your friends. That was what I once said to someone who interrupted me. She said something like, "Be grateful for your mother, because you won't always have her around, and you will miss her." And my comments prior to her interruption were mild and vague, along the lines that my mother would be controlling and snoop in my purse and suitcase which I didn't deserve as I never engaged in anything, and I over 21 and was out of the house and living on my own.

I feel your pain, OP. I was once talking about Toxic Dad with someone and another person chimed in to let me know that a) he won't be around forever and b) Jesus says to forgive and if I were a good Xtian, I would forgive Dad for anything he's done. I don't want to get the thread locked due to religious discussion, but those two statements really chapped my hide. I wish I could say that I had a wonderful, polite retort for this person but I was flabbergasted and standing there with my mouth hanging open.

In retrospect, I should have said something like "In this matter, you should not trouble yourself for my sake." (stolen from Amy Tan).

p.s. Love what Piratelvr said and POD her 100%.

Edited to add: hahah I was PODing a POD. I mean to say pod Amava (sorry Amava) and Piratlvr's pod. Poddity, poddity, pod.