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Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews – from Amazon, The Bible Reading Fellowship, Church House Bookshop, Salisbury College Bookshop, Southwark Cathedral… and other good Christian bookshops. Looking for a Christmas present for the Christian churchgoer in your life? Or are you in need of a humorous book to make you laugh at and think about the church? Well you probably need “Writes of the Church – Gripes and Grumbles of People in the Pews” – a perfect stocking filler.

All services are on today. Canon Westcliff never missed a service, even when he had smallpox. So why should Nathan? Please keep in touch via the benefice Facebook page. It hasn’t been updated since 2013, but that’s the last time it snowed like this. So the pictures should tell you roughly what’s going on.

Grilsby Christmas Disco: It’s 80s night! So bring the wine and we’ll supply the misteltoe! 9pm till late in the Church Hall.

Saturday

“Old Time Christmas Fayre”, Woodby Reading Room, 3pm. The Quiet Woman Inn will be supplying their mobile bar. Wuzzy’s West Gallery Angels will be supplying the dance music from 7pm. It’s gonna be a long night!

Christingle, St Mary’s Tremlett, 6pm

Pizza Eating Contest, Lt Tremlett Hall, 7pm

Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious

I see that the Government has managed to negotiate a €50bn bill to leave the European Union, despite the “Leave” campaign – for which I worked assiduously – having promised we would have an extra £350m per week, or possibly per month, for the National Health Service.

I forget the details, they are unimportant. The important thing is that we will no longer be giving money to the EUSSR – except the money they will demand for access to the Single Market countries – and will not have to do what they say, unless we want to sell them things in which case, as a small country dealing with 27 others, we will have no choice but to cave in.

Yet the Vicar has said nothing about the great things we have achieved! What is he? Some kind of traitor whose views will only damage this country?

Yours etc

Marais de Sandeman, The Old Brewhouse, Little Tremlett

Dear Sir

As we we approach Christmas, some villagers have been hanging mistletoe in their doorways.

Not only is kissing an unhygienic practice, spreading cold sores and glandular fever, but it is also an occasion of great sin. Yet the Vicar has failed week after week to condemn it.

I have therefore established the Trim Valley Anti-Kissing League. We have already burnt down four so-called “kissing gates” on the public footpaths, and our next target will be the sprig of mistletoe in the “Hanged Man.” And don’t think the contraceptive machine in the ladies’ toilets will go unscathed.

Yours etc

Dr Sandra Ireland, “Dunphlebbin’”, Great Tremlett

Dear Sir

With Revd Joanna having left, I was expecting to get the call from Revd Nathan to assist him in his busy schedule over Christmas. However, it would appear that he has changed his email address, his post is not getting through and he has gone ex-directory, as nothing I do to try to get through to him is working.

Indeed, I went round to the New Vicarage to visit him. But a voice through the letter box told me that he had been kidnapped.

It is all most strange. I have just received a note through the door, to ask if I will take the services on the Sunday after Christmas. Of course I will. I am particularly looking forward to reintroducing the Antiochene Rite that I used to use at Grilsby.

Yours etc

Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe (Retd) (But still available for occasional offices), The Old Vicarage, Woodby

Dear Sir

While rehearsing my reading for the Carol Service, I notice that Mary is described as a virgin.

Does the vicar not realise how unlikely it is, in these circumstances, that she should become pregnant? They’ll be telling us that angels exist next.

Yours etc

Ranulf Bling, Station Road, Great Tremlett

Dear Sir

I am planning to make it along to Church for Christmas morning.

However I noticed at Easter that the cushion in the Cholmondely Pew is a little tatty. I enclose a £5 note – if someone could run me up a new one? Maybe that nice young curate, Joanna?

Advent, Advent, Advent. That is all the Vicar goes on about. Whenever we ask if we can sing a carol, “not while it’s Advent.”

He should move with the times. Once there was a time of foreboding, preparation, self-reproach, self-denial and then a time of feasting.

But we have credit cards now. We get all the feasting in first, and then the self-loathing happens in January.

Yours etc

Rob Runes, Church Lane, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I would like to complain again about the installation of the icon of Our Lady in Woodby church. Since this piece of art has been in our building, people have been coming from far and near to see it.

Quite spoils the look of the place, having people in there.

Yours etc

Felicity Broadstairs, Tremlett Road, Woodby

Dear Sir

I see the Vicar is insisting, once again, on allowing the school to hold a Nativity in the Church. He has not thought through the consequences.

If we start welcoming them and making them think Church is a child-friendly place, they might start coming along the rest of the year. The evidence of the last 40 years is that this is a low-risk strategy. But you never know. We are playing with fire.

Yours etc

Ciara Meringe, The Old Stables, Gt Tremlett

Dear Sir

Once again, after buying too many deals in October, I have spent November in a mince pie-induced state of alternative consciousness.

But as we enter December I notice that many of the hundreds of packets I bought at reduced prices have gone out of code. What to do?

Never fear! Break them down with a rolling pin, moisten them with a drop – not too much – of water and you have what I call my “Deconstructed Christmas.” A showstopper for any Festive Bake Off.

Of course, as we move through Advent, the sugar in the pies starts to ferment, giving the mix a bit more of a kick But it really makes bath time special! Well, it does for me. Mrs Dumpling says she’s not getting in the bath with 300 battered mince pies, and she’s showering next door till I’ve eaten them or taken them out.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

As treasurer of the parish I am well aware that we are running at a monthly deficit of £74.22. Hence my suggestion of a special new 2018 calendar, the “Trim Valley Calendar Boy.” 13 shots of your favourite church treasurer, with well-known pieces of accounting equipment hiding any of the more intimate bodily areas.

I regret to say that we have sold none. Mrs Dranesqueezer says she doesn’t know why we used the stapler in one shot when a pencil sharpener would have done. A cruel woman, Mrs Dranesqueezer. Although other people have noted that Grilsby Church can get very cold, with reference to “Mr February.”

Of course in producing this calendar I have run up some expenses for the photo shoot and printing. I therefore enclose an invoice for £7,422.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

As Christmas approaches, we all ask ourselves that important question – whatever happened to David Icke? I hope he hasn’t been kidnapped by lizards.

Yours etc

Jeremy Stairswell, Crow Lane, Grilsby on the Hill

Dear Sir

You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot.

Happy Christmas

Samantha Giblings, Church Green, Woodby

Dear Sir

As Dr Ireland rightly launches her anti-mistletoe campaign this year, can I say a word about Christmas Jumpers?

Tasteless.

Yours etc

Martin Moraine, “Purity House”, Little Tremlett

Dear Sir

The plans of the Trim Valley Wakes to walk around the villages overnight on Christmas Eve have been cancelled. Apparently it might be cold and dark! Who knew?

We have no idea why Woodby Chapel End are holding this meeting. Not only is it 8 months till they are planning this event – there aren’t any children in the village.

Wednesday

Toddlers Group meet at 2pm, Little Tremlett Church Hall. We do not know how the toddlers have organised this, and we’re quite scared.

Thursday

Open House at “Rodney’s Rest” Mrs Dumpling is going shopping in London, and this is her best chance of getting what is essentially baby sitting for Major James. Please supply your own drink, as there’s no way James will have any left.

Friday

The Mobile Library visits. Why not borrow some excellent spiritual reading in preparation for Advent? Because the “Religion and Spirituality” section consists of a book on Dowsing and “The Road Less Travelled”, that’s why. Ironically, for a mobile library.

Saturday

The annual Tea Cosy Stall during coffee morning at Little Tremlett. Please come and buy a tea cosy. Nobody even has a tea pot these days, but Angela’s been knitting them since last Advent and it makes her feel useful.

Sunday – Advent 1

Note this Sunday that the first and second candles to be lit are purple. We will light the pink candle on the third Sunday. Anybody smirking at the expression “the pink candle” should grow up. We do not light the pink candle on the fourth Sunday of Advent for Our Lady “because she’s a girl.” That’s not how it works.

Please note that many surfaces are slippy due to the cold weather. Also that, preempting a hard winter, Jeb has dug a few graves “to be ready”. Some are quite near church paths, so try not to make the Vicar’s life more ” efficient.”

Sunday

Baptism at Gt Tremlett of the Daniels family: Chardonnay, Brandy, the twins Lambrini and Lambrusco, and little Jack. The police have already put in security measures round the Hanged Man ready for the party.

Monday

Do you have an interest in the preservation of ancient church fixtures and a passing knowledge of canon law? If so can you stay away from Woodby Church Building Committee? You’re just the sort of well-meaning annoyance they don’t need as they plan the removal of the bell tower.

Tuesday

Scouts meet in the hall. Warning: tonight’s presentation “How I Survived in the Wilderness” by Mr Lamb-Steakes contains vivid smartphone footage of him cutting off his own foot with a tin opener.

Wednesday

“Poetic Legacies” in Grilsby Hall. The Vicar will be begging for you to remember the church, while Melissa Sparrow will be reading a selection of her poetry to focus your minds on how soon death can come.

Thursday

Choir Practice at Little Tremlett. It’s only six weeks to Christmas and surely they’ll get to grips with “The Coventry Carol this time?”

Friday

Trim Valley Trotters will be taking the 4x4s down the bridle paths to Banbury in their annual act of wanton vandalism. They’re sorted. They’re gripped. And the paths won’t be usable till April.

Saturday

Wedding of Sarah Gull and James Mellor, Lt Tremlett 1pm. And we’ve heard the village gossip. It’s no use tittering and saying “bet she’s in throughout family way, marrying in November.” They’ve got 4 kids and have been living together since 1994.

Please remember that no poppies are to be worn at the Remembrance Services today. Last year an argument broke out between the people wearing red poppies and those wearing white. We promised ourselves we never want to see that kind of bloodshed again.

Monday

Benefice Mission Committee meeting cancelled. they just can’t raise the energy to get together. So going out into the world making disciples is going to be quite a stretch.

Tuesday

Trim Valley Ringers – handbell practice in Grilsby Church Hall. This week’s arrangement will be an Anglican version of an old Prodigy favourite: “Smack my Bishop.”

Wednesday

Lt Tremlett PCC 8pm. The heating has gone in the hall, so please bring a pail of coal and a sleeping bag.

Thursday

80s Disco Nite at Woodby, 8 till late (about 9.30). The St John’s ambulance will be there and we’ve got the new defibrillator. So put on your knee brace, get some heat into your joints and come along with the Eye of the Tiger! Are “friends” electric? Well their mobility buggies certainly are!

Friday

Sub-committee for looking into the reducing the number of committees will be meeting from 8 till 10. Last time they met they suggested setting up another committee to define the other committees’ terms and references. So that will be meeting next week.

Saturday

Pre-Advent Fayre, Gt Tremlett. After last year when we had to declare a 20″ exclusion zone, the scented candles stall will be outside. Mavis will be running the slightly-broken nick-nacks stall for the 70th year running. Can someone please buy that china shepherdess? It’s been there for the full history of the stall.