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March 25, 2017March 25, 2017

The Guide to Anal Sex

Back in university, while having sex with my 32-year-old militant feminist girlfriend, a phrase slipped out of my mouth. We were in that primal mode in autopilot when weird sounds come out like “good” and “do it, fucker.”

Back in university, while having sex with my 32-year-old militant feminist girlfriend, a phrase slipped out of my mouth. We were in that primal mode in autopilot when weird sounds come out like “good” and “do it, fucker.” This time, however, out of nowhere I go, “I love hurting you.”

Instead of getting angry or disturbed, her eyes lit up and she said, “I love it when you hurt me.”

That was the first time I totally understood what it’s all about. Love hurts and sex is hostile. As Robert J. Stoller writes in Sexual Excitement: “The absence of hostility leads to sexual indifference and boredom. Humans are not a very loving species, especially when they make love.” In a time when everything is about egalitarianism and feeling good we are forgetting the merits of pain. What about the joy of dirty smells and helplessness? The joy of taking over someone’s body like a snake with a frog in its mouth? I love that shit.

So without further ado, here is the VICE guide to the cruelest of lovemaking. The only sexual taboo left: getting reamed up the cake.

FAGS GO HOME
Before we get started, we have to zero in on who we are talking about. This article is not for fags. Telling fans how to have anal sex is like telling Puerto Ricans how to have babies. Fags are so over it they could wake up in a sea of blood and poo with a hangover and say, “That didn’t work out so well. Let’s go get some amyl nitrate and try it again.” They are the masters of the sport and have all kinds of great tips on how to use crack and other drugs but, I don’t know, that’s just not the hetero way.

This instructional guide is for heterosexual couples who want to put the boy’s drink in the girl’s bum. There is a sidebar on how to nail hetero guys but it’s so easy it only deserves a few words.

GIRLS NOT DOWN WITH THE BROWN
Not all ladies are potential sodomites. Maybe she was raped in the bum at 14. Maybe she grew up with a lot of homophobic brothers and believes that “anuses are for fags.” Or, maybe she’s just not built for it—you know, the same way middle-aged men can’t do gymnastics and 13-year-old girls are notoriously bad lieutenants.

The “no way in hell” girls have two distinct characteristics. One, they hate bands with female singers and two, they shake their heads when you ask them if they liked the first try and then go, “It felt like I had to go poo.” If your girl is like this stop reading now and try to get over it.

GIRLS DOWN WITH THE BROWN
There are several types of ladies that are perfect for sodomy. First-generation immigrants are great because, after being bombarded with all kinds of new experiences (baseball, MTV, spaceship cars) they are ready to try anything. Virgins are good too. They just figured out how to work their vagina so adding another one next to it isn’t so absurd. It’s like someone coming over with an extra cup when you’re doing the dishes. You’re just like, “Oh that too? Oh, okay, let’s get it soaped up.” The ultimate catch as far as willingness goes would have to be Catholic schoolgirls. Thanks to oppressive fathers insisting their hymen stays intact, every other orifice gets a rigorous workout before graduation. In fact, nine times out of ten it’s the Catholic schoolgirl that introduces it to the boy. “You don’t need a condom,” she’ll say. “We can bungi,” (that’s their special word for it) and then that spoiled little boy is ruined forever.

Odds are you’re in a relationship with someone in between. She’s not totally against or totally into it. If so, you should be reading this, which you are, so, good.

GOOD PAIN VS. BAD PAIN
Oh wait, there’s more shit we have to clear up. Before you start hurting someone, let’s make it clear what kind of pain we are talking about. There is good pain and bad pain. Good pain is dull and all-consuming and bad pain is sharp and very localized. If you’ve ever put a girl’s legs behind her head and had your boner ram her cervix during sex that’s what bad pain is like. You can tell because she gets up fast like your dink’s an electric eel and it makes her so mad the lay is usually over. A well-lubed, slow and careful intrusion is a good pain, like being sat on by a fat person you love. The bad pain of an unlubed and rushed anal intrusion cuts her ass, pisses her off, and kills the whole thing forever.

GETTING IN THE DOOR
She won’t like anal sex until her 17th time. It’s an acquired taste. But you have to get her to want to go through that good pain, 17 times. To get that response, you must employ the “Pavlov’s Dog” technique. When you’re eating her out, occasionally touch around the asshole. Give it small and swirling “hellos” like if you were trying to pet a newborn squirrel without scaring it too much. It’s best to try this when she’s totally horned up out of her mind and plastered. If you take it slow and easy and smart you’re looking at a total time of five months. Don’t be afraid to lick it sometimes. Salad tossing is not gross with women because they shit roses. Put your finger in there and smell you finger. See? Roses.

After you’ve got through the taboo front gate you can start being more and more friendly with the baby squirrel.

EMERGENCY RESCUE
If things are going too slow you should have her try it on you. Once you’ve gone through it her curiosity will be awoken. She’ll be like, “Didn’t it feel like you had to go poo?” and you can be like, “No, I loved it.” Then she’ll be like, “Really?”

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