Somewhere over the Rainbows

Sunday, October 13, 2013

It's been more than a year since I've written here. I can't believe I've let this go, as much as it means to me to share our lives, love, joy and grief. Life happens, and it happens fast. It doesn't seem like it's been so long. First off, we're all doing fine. The kids are healthy and happy. And GROWING.

Aidan turned five in June. He should have started Kindergarten, but I just felt like he wasn't ready. He did ok in preschool last year, but he's rocking it so far this year. He has matured so much, and is actually paying attention and learning, whereas last year he was only there to play. He has the MOST amazing teacher. We just love her. She's a retired elementary teacher and is so good for and with him. His vocabulary and humor have really exploded. He has discovered potty humor. He has learned to see funny in every day things. He's my amazing big boy.

He is also big enough to understand more about death and Landon, and a few weeks ago (this is really why I'm writing tonight, this needs to be told) he had a bad spell. Sobbing, crying, wanting his brother. Bargaining with God and me, wanting just one chance to play with his brother. It kind of came out of nowhere, although I'm pretty sure I know what triggered it. We have to drive through the cemetery where Landon is buriedto get to Aidan's school. Larry took him to school one day and he saw someone being buried. On the way home, I had picked him up and he asked about that. Asked if we put Landon's body in a hole. And how he's in the ground if he went to Heaven. I did my best to explain, the whole time praying for guidance, that Landon's old body is buried but his spirit went to heaven and now he has a perfect new body and his brain isn't sick anymore. I told him that Jesus saw him hurting and so sick and He loved Landon so much that he didn't want him to hurt anymore and let him go to Heaven where he's been healed.

Later that night we found him sitting on his bed sobbing and so upset, holding a picture I had photoshopped of him and Landon together. He just kept saying "I want my brother. I miss him. It's not fair!" Sounds familiar. That's the thought that runs a continuous loop through my mind when all is quiet and I let my mind wander.

He drew his own copy of that picture and we framed it and hung it on his wall.

Aidan is quite the little detail-oriented drawer. He makes me so proud in so many ways. He's so kind and sweet and caring. He would never do anything purposely that would hurt anyone. He can be mean, but never in a malicious way.

The girls are hilarious. They've definitely brought a world of laughter to our family. They're so special and I love them so much. They're getting so big. Bekah is talking like a grown up, and Gracie isn't far behind. Aidan didn't talk til he was nearly three, so it's so strange to me, to have two year olds who can talk. And sing. They love music and singing. They're really hung up on The Learning Station videos on YouTube. If you've never heard of The Learning Station, look them up. Their songs and videos entertain my kids like nothing else, and they're not annoying like some other kids programming.

Here are a few updated pictures of the kiddoes. I really hope that I can get back into the habit of writing here. I love feedback and I love sharing these little miracles.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Aidan had a "dirtday" on June 1. I can't believe my little man is four years old. He should still be that little wriggly, smily newborn! This has gone way too fast. He's so funny. We planned his party to be held on his actual birthday, and then we planned a surprise (for him) trip to Tennessee, leaving two days after his birthday.

The child has asked, every single day since our last trip, "I go a Tennessee again aday, mommy?" Every single day, without fail. We didn't tell him we were going. He thought we were going to Costco, all the way up until we were actually over the state line and into Tennessee. He was THRILLED!!! I will write a post about our vacation later, this one is about my first baby's big day.

I had asked him, over and over, what kind of cake he wanted. Offered Jake and the Neverland Pirates, offered Handy Manny, Mike the Knight, even Up! He never wavered in what he wanted: Blue cake with pizza and green. That's exactly how he said it. He wanted a blue party. So I asked everyone to wear blue and made him his cake.

Here's his cake. Blue, with pizza and green. He loved it!!!
My four year old, complete with a Sunkist moustache!!!

Pizza is his favorite food on the planet. We served that, plus cheeseball and crackers and chips and dip. Since I didn't have to cook much real food (just the cheeseball) I made homemade ice cream. It was a huge hit. Of course, he hates cake and thinks ice cream is some kind of evil poison sent straight from the dairy farm to kill him, but everyone else liked it. He hates sweets. He does, however, like these M&M chocolate chip cookies I started making around Christmas time. So, I made a batch of those for his party, too. If I wasn't so cheap, I would have ordered blue m&ms for them. They were good, even with all the colors!!

He was so excited to open his presents. The only thing he had asked for was a horn with three buttons. He's very specific!! We searched online for weeks, and could only find a trumpet with four buttons, but he loves it! He also got a leap pad (which was amazing for the 6 hour drive to Tennessee!) and some clothes. And trucks. Many trucks, and he was in little man heaven. It was a really good birthday. We were surrounded by family and friends, people who love us, and are nuts over him. I appreciate everyone who came to be with us on his big day.

AIdan and my nephew
This is the next day, at a going away party. My twins and my niece, Allyson.
Rebekah at Aidan's birthday party.
Gracie kissing her great aunt.

Being there, at the church, celebrating Aidan's birthday, took me back to his first birthday party. We had it at the church then, too. I was very pregnant with Landon. We were so happy. So in love with our boys, the one we were celebrating and the one we were anticipating. I had prayed that Landon would stay inside until the party was out of the way, anytime after that was fine. Ugh. If he had come before the party, he would be here now. I hate that my mind works that way, but I can't help it. Of course back then, I didn't realize that my baby could really die, though. That only happened to Other People. Not me.

It hurts me to look at the pictures from Aidan's first party, but I will share them here. I may have shared them last year, too, I can't remember.

These are the few I can find right now, I would have to go to the other computer to find the rest of them. My belly. Landon was in there. No matter what, I will always know that he was there. That shirt, my mom had bought it for me, it's the one I was wearing when Landon died in my arms. It is still hanging in my closet, but I've not worn it since.

Aidan's first birthday party was the last big family function where Larry and I were totally and wholly happy. We're happy now, but there's a hole in the happiness. It isn't as pure or as trusting as it was on the day we celebrated our first year with this precious little boy we had waited and prayed for for so long.

I want to talk about Aidan for a little bit. It will probably all be things I've said before, but I want to say them again.

He is the child I never thought I could have. He is the child that made me a mommy. He changed everything, everything is so much better because of him. His first year was so full of bliss and happiness. Our entire world revolved right around that cute little pudgeball. I am a stay at home mom, every second of my life was spent right with him, still is, in fact. \He's my hero. All of the years I spent praying for a child, I never once dreamed that my child would be as amazing, beautiful, sweet, funny, and even mean, as he is. If I had never had another child, I could have died happy and complete, knowing that he was mine.

When I got pregnant with Landon I was stunned. I never imagined I could or would love another child the way I do Aidan. I actually worried about it. But, as sick as he was, the minute I saw him, I DID love him, every bit as much as I do Aidan. When he died, Aidan is the only thing that pulled me through. He needed me to get out of bed, to function, to leave the house. He needed me to laugh and play. Thank God he's the funny kid that he is, because he brought laughter back to my heart. In the early days after Landon died, sometimes I would be laughing and playing with Aidan, and it would hit me, my baby is dead. Why in the world am I laughing? Enjoying myself? Guilt ate at me (sometimes it still does). But, the answer is easy. My baby was dead, but my toddler is very much alive and needs me. Aidan saved me, and I will forever be grateful to him for that.

Their birthday was amazing and so much fun, but also was pretty emotional for me. Of course it was. I couldn't keep my mind off of the big first birthday party I DIDN'T get to throw. The baby I had, that didn't make it to that big milestone, who never really hit any milestones. I got mad and sad, and I had a couple of crying spells, in the weeks leading up to the double rainbow party. I miss him. He should have been here to help his sisters blow out their candles and open their presents.

Through Landon's death, and the healing process that is ongoing, I've "met" a lot of loss moms. "Met" in quotes because it's all online. Well, I do have one friend I've met face to face, Laurie, and I love her so much. She came here when we were both pregnant with our rainbows, and she happened to be close to where I live the night of the party, and she, her husband, and their rainbow baby boy all made to drive to come party with us!! That meant so, so much to me. Our babies were so cute playing together, and she was the only one there who I knew for sure, understood what I was feeling that day, and how much the girls mean to me, to my healing.

I made their cakes and cookies. I love doing that for my kids. I hope some day they'll look back at these pictures and be proud of their mommy, as proud as I am of my babies.

Aidan turns 4 in five days. Which means I have 3 weeks and 5 days until Landon's third birthday, 5 weeks and 5 days until he's been dead for 3 years. Three years, it is unbelievable to me. Some days it seems like it was just yesterday, and others it seems so far in the past.

I will be honest, I have had some bad days recently. Nights, actually. One night last week I was up nearly all night, sobbing, shaking the bed, crying hard
I'm still so mad. I had a perfect life for 55 weeks. From the day Aidan was born, until the day Landon was born and my world turned upside down, it was exactly 55 weeks, almost to the hour. Aidan was born at 2:59 p.m. and Landon was born at 1:52 or 53 p.m., 55 weeks apart.

I still ask what I ever did to deserve this. The answer is, nothing. It isn't a punishment, just as having healthy kids isn't a reward. It just IS. It just happens. It happened to me. There's a good chance if you take the time to read this, it happened to you, too, and I'm sorry for that.

I have a happy life now, I truly do. Even in the weeks and months immediately after Landon died, I had a happy life, or at least bursts of happiness. I never thought I'd have kids, and I had Aidan who was perfect, and Landon. And I got a bonus set of absolutely perfect little twins. I'm so thankful for all four of them.

Here's some more pictures, since I've been MIA for so long.

I won't lie, I'm having a ball with the hair-do's. I make their bows, and I LOVE the piggy-tails. Gracie really doesn't have enough hair for two pigtails, but sometimes I put 2 in, anyway. Rebekah HAS to have 2, that child has enough hair for three babies!!

Confession: I think I have an addiction to Instagram. I can't take a picture anymore without wondering which effect on there will look best. Lame-o, I know. It's the little things.

Everyone, have a good holiday weekend, and stay safe. I promise I will try to get back into the groove of my blog. I have a feeling I'm going to need it in the next month or so.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

It has really hit me lately that I will never have a newborn again. Gracie has two teeth. She's my youngest, by two whole minutes. Rebekah is getting two teeth. Once they're in, I'll never have a toothless baby again. They're both crawling, Rebekah has started pulling up a little bit. Gracie has gone over the 20 pound mark, Rebekah is right at 19. Not too shabby for my little 4 and 5 pound preemies, I think.

Both of the babies are now sleeping in their cribs. Aidan is also sleeping in his toddler bed, but it is still in my room. Baby steps. He has slept with me, touching me, pushing me out of the bed since he was 9 months old. I kind of miss having him right there, but my back doesn't. I am so proud of the girls for how easily they've adapted to their beds from sleeping in swings most all their lives.

They are great eaters. Oh, my gosh, do they eat. Anything soft or crispy. They've had meat, they've had fresh fruit, they've had a lot of "people food." They love it, but still love their baby food, too. Aidan is quite obsessed with buying baby food. We were at WalMart buying a few jars to supplement what I already had here, and when I got home, there were a few jars of odd flavors that I would never have bought. Pears and carrots, anyone? Not two jars, a jar of pears and carrots, mixed together. No, thank you. But, the girls ate it and loved it. Gag. I can only assume that he slipped a few jars into the cart.

I am so proud of my kids. Every day, I'm amazed that they're really here, and they're really mine. That has never worn off. Aidan is getting closer to four years old, and I'm still in awe that he's mine. I am so grateful for my kids. All 4 of them. Man, I miss Landon. I was looking at pictures of him this evening. He was so pretty. I wish he could be here with us. Our family needs him. We have him, we have memories and pictures, but, oh, what I'd give for a hug and kiss from my littlest son.

So, the girls will be 1 in less than 2 months. I've begun scheming and planning their party. There's going to be rainbows galore. Well, a lot of rainbows, anyway. We're having the party at our church, in the fellowship hall. I will buy a different color cover for each table. The veggie and fruit trays will be arranged in rainbows. I plan to experiment with Royal Icing, and I would like to make rainbows to decorate the cakes and sugar cookies. I've never worked with it before, so it could present a challenge. I've read that hardened Royal Icing can last for months, or even years, so I'm actually going to start practicing soon.

THe first thing I bought for the girls was a rainbow dress for each, size newborn.

This is them, in their dresses. They were probably six weeks old here, maybe seven. Gracie is on the left, Bekah on the right.

I was at Burlington Coat Factory Saturday night, and found them in size 12 months. I bought them, for the girls to hopefully wear to their birthday party! I say hopefully because they're in 12 months now, but have just grown into it, and also because I live in Ohio, and their birthday is at the beginning of April. It could very well snow, or just as easily be hot. But, I can deal with weather issues. Just hope that the dresses will somewhat fit. Less than 2 months, they still have a bit of growing room, I'm going to be optimistic and say that's what they're wearing to their party.

It is getting much harder to snap good pictures of them together, so this picture is extra special to me.

Rebekah's favorite pasttime

Gracie being cute

They're both finally sitting. This is a new thing for Rebekah, even though she's the one pulling up!!

These are all phone pictures, so they're not the best quality, but I just wanted to share my little darlins with you. I hope to get better about posting again!!

Oh, and by the way, a prayer I've prayed for a long time has been answered. I have a fellow babyloss mama, who had been trying for a lot of years to get pregnant, had concieved only once, and miscarried very early (two years ago!!!) She had been trying ever since her miscarriage, with no luck. She had gone to great lengths to try to conceive. Well, she's pregnant now, and has seen her baby's heartbeat. I cried the happiest tears imaginable when she told me her news. In fact I shouted and scared my husband!!!
I still pray, and ask anyone who reads this that prays, to pray for her, that her baby will be born safe, healthy, and on time. Thanks!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas 2009 was the saddest of my life. One year, and everything changed. Thank God for Aidan and Larry. They're all that kept me sane from June 22 and on. By Christmas, the very worst of that violent grief had eased up some, I could function close to normally, but I was still crying a whole lot. I had panic attacks trying to Christmas shop, I had so much anger, knowing that I SHOULD HAVE been shopping for two little boys. SHOULD HAVE been hanging up two little stockings. All of the SHOULD HAVES in the world, and each of them crossed my mind a whole lot.

Larry and I both had a big breakdown when we put up the tree, remembering the hope we felt with it the year before. When Christmas Eve night rolled around, and "Santa" came, it was so rough. So hard not to imagine what our lives and holidays would have been like, if only. If only Landon's placenta had stayed healthy. If only there had been an ultrasound at the end. If only....

But, despite all the sadness of missing my little boy, I had so much joy through Aidan. He was almost 19 months old. He was, and is, a funny, happy, loving kid. My world was (and is) wrapped up in him.

Funny how pictures hide the pain. We don't LOOK like we're half dead on the inside.

There were some good memories made that Christmas, despite the heartache. I'm glad now that I did go through the motions, for Aidan's sake. Lord above knows I wasn't feeling it, but I did it, and am so thankful that I did.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Christmas 2008 was absolutely the happiest one of my entire life. Aidan was almost 7 months old, and I was pretty pregnant with Landon. We put up our Christmas tree, and Aidan was drawn to the lights. He's still very much obsessed with "Tittmuss yights." We were as happy as any two people could possibly be. We had a blast shopping for our boy. He got a rubber Tonka truck, and a horsey jumperoo, tons of clothes, and lots of other toys, too. Our tree looked like it should have had five kids gathering around it Christmas morning.

Throughout the whole Christmas season, we took so much joy in watching Aidan play and love the decorations and lights. As he was knocking ornaments off of the lower branches, we'd laugh and talk about what it would be like the next year, with one on the floor demolishing the lowest branches, and one walking, taking care of the next level of destruction. We couldn't wait.

I thanked God every day, many times a day, for the gifts of my children and my husband. I truly felt like the luckiest, most blessed, woman in the entire world.

Aidan has always been a big fan of the guy in the red suit!! See my pregnant belly in the background?

My mom helping Aidan and my nephew, Gavin, open a present

Christmas morning, his very first. My sweet little boy!!!

His first Tonka.

I wish I could go back in time to then, to have Landon tucked safely in my tummy again. Even if just for a minute. To know that unfaltering hope, that I was soon to be the mommy to two. To be so innocently naive, as to believe that getting pregnant meant I'd be bringing a baby home.

Aidan

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About Me

I'm a 34 year old stay at home mommy to Aidan,Rebekah and Gracie, and wife to Larry. We have had four beautiful babies, but one is in Heaven now. We love our children, and do all we can to make sure that they grow up surrounded by love and affection. My husband and I are still very much in love, despite our tragedy. We love the Lord, our family, and each other.
Prior to becoming a stay at home mom, I worked as a CNA for ten years, most of which were spent on Alzheimer Units.