Yet another Jew trick

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

A typical Jew, doubtlessly scheming at this very monent to take my money and drink the blood of Christian babies, like Jesus.

Yet another Jew trick (or the "Simon trick") is a common theory created to explain the many failures of modern society. The theory basically states that for every action in the universe, there is an equal and opposite Jew nearby trying to profit or gain power from it.

Contents

Despite popular myth, the first Jew trick was not Satan (also known as a black guy) compelling Eve (also known as Pimp Adam's Bitch) to eat an apple. That was simply far too straight forward to be a Jew trick. Also, the whole thing is a made-up forgery anyway, penned during the Persian empire in the desperate attempt by the Hebrews to connect themselves to Mesopotamian royalty (see the billion or so Anastasia and son's of Elvis claiments).

The first documented Jew trick took place on November 13, 1366 BC in Egypt. A traveling Jew named Joe Steinberg arrived in the Valley of the Pharoahs seeking his fortune. He soon realized the Egyptians were a gullible lot -- just look at those big, dumb, useless fucking pyramids! Who the hell would be dumb enough to waste time and energy building those damned things?!??!!?

Steinberg set up shop in a remote corner of a village near Memphis. There, he bilked a number of black folks singers out of their recording royalty rights, publishing their works under different names and with covers that featured white artists supposedly singing old Negro spirituals and the blues.

Steinberg then used the profits -- ah, profits ... the Jews and their profits -- anyhow. He took the profits and built a legit front company for a lending institution that tricked people into usery. The Egyptians, being typical poor people, were quick to buy into all this free money, signing on to various pay-day lending schemes put forth by Steinberg.

But, several weeks later, Steinberg started demanding the money back! Plus interest! As all the lawyers, even back then, were Jewish, Steinberg regularly prevailed in court.

At last the Egyptians became angry and demanded the Pharaoh do something. Following a failed effort to distract the peasants with a gay marriage referendum, the Pharaoh invaded Israel and herded all the Jews into camps, where they were worked to death (note: this becomes a common theme of Jewish history).

The Jews eventually tricked the Pharaoh into letting them go by cozying up to a rival to the throne (Akhnaton), who began throwing frogs at him and killing all the first-born sons of his fellow Egyptians on the Hebrews' account. Being a sick and brutal type, the Pharaoh appreciated their chutzpah, and freed them. However, when the Pharaoh came to wish them good-bye, the dirty fucking Jews drowned him and all his retainers in the Red Sea.

Akhnaton eventually got fed-up with them little more than a month or so, and at that point wrote a series of LAWS to put them in line. After some years of wandering, they eventually killed him and claimed God did it to punish him for disobeying some personal commandment about rocks. Sigmund Freud would recount this in the biographic Akhnaton.

Of course, one trick by itself would not be impressive, even if it did involve defeating an ancient empire. Big deal. Fuck, the British did that like once a week for 100 years straight in the 1800s. And even a Pollock can pull off one trick. The sun can't shine on the same dog's ass all the time anyhow!

Or can it?

As it turns out, the sun CAN shine on the same dog's ass all the time ... if the dog in question happens to be a Jew.

The second Jew trick came during the reign of King David, the most awesome king not named Arthur. During David's reign, the lands of Israel were overrun by evil giants. Now, you'd think being a giant would make life easy enough as long as there was plentiful water and food.

But, this was the Middle East. And the Middle East just makes people go apeshit and kill people left and right for utterly no reason.

One of the many dirty Jews discovered that a giant named Goliath had a goose that laid golden eggs. King David, being a money-grubbing, filthy Jew, decided to go steal the goose from Goliath. However, Goliath lived on a cloud ... I don't know why ... seems like a pretty stupid place for a giant to live.

So, anyhow, David tricked some poor peasant Babylonian into giving him magic beans. Then he killed the Babylonian and took the gold he had paid him back. David planted the magic beans and a giant beanstalk grew into the sky. David climbed the beanstalk, found the giant, slayed his ass while he slept and stole the goose.

Upon returning to Israel, David discovered the country in a state of civil war, as Jew fought Jew for the right to trick David and steal his goose from him.

Eventually, the United Nations ordered Roman peacekeepers into Israel. The Romans quickly realized the country was full of dirty Jews, and the only solution was to give the country a goddamned bath. A bloodbath, that is!

Let's say you just got done with work. You're walking home with your big fat paycheck. You run into a Jew.

Now if you think you have a dilemma, try being the filthy Jew. This poor Jew bastard has to figure this out: do I trick this Christian out of his purse full of gold, OR do I let him take his gold home to fatten his Christian babies?

Being skinny, and weak, and generally malformed because they have been rejected by God a Jew cannot just knock you down and take your purse of gold from you and add it to his pot full of Jew gold. He has to trick you.

There are a number of ways a Jew can trick you into giving him your purse of gold:

Induce you to wastefully leave your gold in a bank, where the Jew bankers will horde it and never give it back, despite promise of a 4.25% APR.

Fill your television with lies to further the goals of the Elders of Zion.

Trick you into giving them the gold for something less precious, like diamonds or myrrh.

Throw frankincense in your face, causing you to turn into a wandering monster.

Make movies.

Sell you to slave traders.

Seduce you with their beautiful Jewess daughter and watch as you hand all your gold to her instead of your pious Christian wife.

While Jews are tiny and frail and can barely hold their heads up for fifteen minutes at a time, there is one class of Christian they can take in a one-on-one matchup: babies.

Jews crave the blood of Christian babies. Not surprisingly, acceptance of Christ makes a baby particularly supple and sweet. Jews, with their gigantic noses, get a whiff of that new baby smell and they go crazy.

The Jew will then lurk around your house waiting for an opportunity. For example, one time I put a pie in the window to cool. I come back twenty minutes later and sure enough, the pie is still there... sitting next to a trail of blood leading out the window and into a nearby hedge. I went over to the hedge, and there I found my newborn with bite marks in its neck.

After perpetrating the greatest Jew trick of all time, the Holocaust, it has become increasingly difficult to protect your purse of gold and your babies from the Jews. The Jews now enjoy extraordinary legal protections. Christians can no longer just murder any Jew walking down the street, even if the Jew is covered in baby's blood and muttering about "gold, sweet gold".

The easiest way to protect yourself against Jews - not counting garlic and holy water - is to make a small charitable donation every year to a terrorist organization of your choice. The terrorist organizations will then perform an annual Jew clean-up on your behalf.

Another method is to take your hard-earned movie dollars and give them to Mel Gibson instead of some movie producers with a Jew name like Weinstein.

And a final method is to trick the Jew into eating pork by telling him it is a lump of Christian baby flesh. The Jew will slowly begin to melt. And upside to this is you will find the bag of Jew gold he was carrying. The downside is that now you have to mop up a filthy fucking Jew.

In recent years, a movement has been afoot to handle the Jewish problem in a more humane manner. After years of research involving reprogramming, shock therapy, ultrasonic whistles and even flashing lights, scientists at MIT announced a breakthrough in 1999.

The MIT method involves filling a spray bottle with water. Any time a Jew comes near, you spray him with water. The Jew will run in terror the opposite direction.

It is also possible to have your Jews declawed. Although Jews cause much damage to furniture and trees, this is generally considered inhumane. Many advocates now encourage Christian to have their Jewish neighbors spayed or neutered to control their relentless breeding.

The spay and neuter program has proved largely successful. The city of Atlanta introduced such a program in 1996, before the Olympics. Atlanta has yet to have needed to conduct so much as a single bloody pogrom to relieve the city of its Jewish burden.