Don't have a wine bottle opener? Shoot! Actually, don't shoot. Just use this gun-shaped wine bottle opener. Just put the bottle in a barrel and pull the trigger and you can drink. Mmmm, guns and alcohol: two great tastes that go great together!

Bacon Roses

BaconBoxes.com

Flowers are such a cliche on Valentine's Day, it's better to ham things up with these bacon roses -- cooked bacon placed lovingly on stems to resemble real flowers. Unlike flowers, you can eat these buds.

Welcome Home Gnome

AlwaysFits.com

In olden days, many an adult party ended with a woman jumping out of a cake. That tradition has gone away, but this gnome hopping out of a mushroom is the next best thing. Probably wouldn't want to see this if you are on 'shrooms. It would freak you out.

Anatomically Correct Heart Pendant

UncommonGoods.com

There's no better day than Valentine's Day to cynically remind your love that the heart is basically a muscle designed to pump blood throughout the body. And there's no better product to do that than this anatomically correct gold heart pendant. Your lover will see it and say, "Be still my beating heart." You will reply, "Actually, you don't want that to happen because otherwise blood will stop moving through your body carrying and you will collapse." Your nickname will henceforth be "Buzzkill."

Heart Eyes Emoji Mask

AlwaysFits.com

It's easy to express your true feelings in emojis. Real words? Not so much. With this emoji mask, your Valentine will know what you think about them even if they can't see your face or your text messages. So what if it's a little creepy. Lots of things about love are creepy. Anyone who's seen a movie on the Lifetime channel knows that.

Spoon Pillow (That Looks Like Something Else)

SpoonFoolPillowcom/

Some couples like spooning, but if you can't be there, you can send this spoon-shaped pillow. Honestly, this looks less like a spoon and more like something else. Well, if you're down to fork...

Blood Splatter Bath Mat

A conversation we'd like to hear:
"I got you a blood splattered bath mat for Valentine's Day."
"What?"
"A bath mat that looks like it was in a crime scene. You know, with blood dripping all over it. It's quite realistic."
"Thank you ... I think."
"I knew you'd love it. I'm intuitive like that."

Tipsy Wine Glasses

Kohls.com

In wine there is truth, and a lot of wobbling around if you drink too much. These tipsy wine glasses will remind your love that you are much more attractive after a few glasses of vino.

Ukanlayme Shower Curtain

CafePress.com

If your Valentine needs a hint about your interest, this shower curtain can provide a subtle hint. Of course, if you can only communicate your desires via shower curtain, there may be a deeper problem than any Weird Valentine's Day Gift Guide can solve.

IUD Earrings

Etsy.com

The best Valentine's Day gift may be one that shows your respect for a woman's reproductive rights, such as these earrings that are shaped like an IUD. These are not meant to be a substitute for real birth control (then again, neither is the rhythm method).

What better way to celebrate the joy of two souls intermingling than a device used when taking criminal suspects into custody? This handcuff bracelet will tell your Valentine that they are a prisoner of your love.

For the person who confuses quantity with quality: This 66-inch giant plush rose. No, there are no thorns, but figuring out where to put it after Valentine's Day could a be a thorny issue. On the bright side, this thing does a great job of cleaning cobwebs out of hard-to-reach areas. Not sure the manufacturer wants me to tell you that.

Boob Shaped French Press

Tictail.com

French press coffee never seemed so titillating. This breast-shaped funnel is the perfect way to celebrate the joys of both java and the feminine body in one fell swoop. I'll take mine with cream, please.

Anatomical Heart Undies

CafePress.com

A woman's booty is the way to some guys' hearts, so why not make it obvious by wearing these undies featuring an anatomically correct heart. Of course, if the undies get faded with time and look like just a faded red blob, that won't be a problem or anything.

Boxer-Briefs That Are Probably Too Sexy For You

3Wishes.com

We could make a joke about having a heart on for Valentine's Day, but our heart isn't in it. It's on these very revealing boxer-briefs, which can also double as cheesecloth in a pinch.
https://www.3wishes.com/mens/mens-sexy-wear/hearts-of-golden-boxer-briefs/

Heart-shaped Egg Poacher

Jet.com

Breakfast in bed? How romantic! Heart-shaped poached eggs? How charming! Cleaning this metal device of yolk afterwards? How difficult and time-consuming (even when you follow the directions designed to avoid this)! Of course, heart-shaped poached eggs do look cute.

Death Star Planetarium

Looking at the stars is a time-honored act of romance, but who wants to gaze at those boring old stars in your own galaxy? And sometimes it's just too cold or too cloudy to go outside. This Death Star Planetarium not only brings the stars inside but features the constellations from the Star Wars universe. Now you really can see the moons of Endor without going into hyperspace.
The romance is strong with this one.

Looking for a truly heartfelt way to show your love your feelings? Come to them in this body-clinging not-creepy-at-all Morphsuit designed to look like your skin has been removed from your body. There's a pouch for your phone near your heart. Download an app and your love will see your beating heart for reals. No, you won't freak anyone out (I don't think).

Kiss Necklace

Overstock.com

A Hershey's Kiss Necklace is a sweet thing to give your Valentine, but make sure they understand that it is not edible. Learn from my mistakes. As a result, I learned that my dental insurance is not as good as I thought.

Boom Box Yoga Bag

YogaOutlet.com

Yoga is a great way to stay in shape for your Valentine. This boom box-shaped yoga bag is a great way to show you're in tune with your lover's hobbies.

Hearty Buns Brief

3Wishes.com

If you have the confidence to pull off these revealing briefs. You will probably also are also confident you will be pulling them off fairly quickly after showing them to your love. Funny how that works.

Tenderheart Bear Costume

HalloweenCostumes.com

Want to make love furry style? Just show up in the boudoir dressed as Tender Heart Bear. Because there is nothing creepy about making love dressed as a beloved children's character.

Pokeball Purse

Fun.com

If your Valentine is one of the few people over the age of 11 still obsessed with Pokemon, get them this purse. When it comes to hearts, you don't gotta catch 'em all -- one will do the trick. http://www.fun.com/pokemon-pokeball-heart-faux-leather-cross-body-bag.html·

n these trying times, Cupid needs more firepower than arrows to puncture the hearts of young lovers. Cupid 2.0 comes with a "Love-zooka" and lots of amorous ammo. You think the upgrade would include a uniform change. The diaper is probably soggy by now.

It's good to have a purse for any occasion. We're still trying to figure out the most appropriate&nbsp;occasion to carry around a <a href="http://www.unique-vintage.com/lipstick-pink-hard-shell-revolver-handbag-sku-107680.html" target="_blank">handbag that looks like a handgun.</a> (<a href="http://www.unique-vintage.com/lipstick-pink-hard-shell-revolver-handbag-sku-107680.html" target="_blank">$48, Unique Vintage.com</a>)