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I, Kori Learns, will never be confused with a culinary genius. I do not make dishes more complex than the rare plate of scrambled eggs or the occasional grilled cheese.

Sometimes however, I bake. In the past it’s been pies, but on Sunday I woke up and thought “Kori, it’s time to challenge yourself. It’s time to take some initiative and expand your horizons. Dream big. Live large.” Also, it is officially the start of the Cake-tatorship…so I had to make something. So I made Funfetti.

Martufo kindly provided me with a box of Funfetti. Funfetti is scientifically proven to be the quickest way to start a party and cure those Monday blues (see empirical evidence below). Funfetti is hands down the absolute best type of cake from a box, and to be honest one of the best cake types of all time. It is unsurpassed in both festiveness and deliciousness. There are almost no occasions where sprinkle filled batter doesn’t add a little something something.

Empirical evidence of Funfetti’s greatness: It is 3:36 PM and almost the entire cake is gone. Considering the cake eating start time was 1:00 PM, we’re clearly dealing with a high demand item. Smiles in the office abound.

As if Funfetti alone wasn’t enough to insure my success and a brilliant, action packed start to the Cake-tatorship, I made my own frosting. That’s right kids, I made it all by myself. Here’s the recipe:

Today Kori Learns learned about the Loris, which is not to be confused with the Lorax of Dr. Seuss fame. Lorises are small primates that apparently come in one of two subfamilies, slender or slow. I am uncertain as to whether they can be both slender and slow, but it appears unlikely.

Lorises are nocturnal and insectivores. Also, the females practice infant parking, which sounds like something amusing but really only means they leave their babies at home in the nest. Most interestingly mothers groom their babies with their allergenic saliva to deter predators, which is simultaneously cool and gross.

The reason that only Kori learned is because Amanda already knew about the Loris and this is not the “Kori Learns and Amanda Remembers What She Learned” blog. Kori Learns finds it surprising that Amanda Learns is the one familiar with this small tree dwelling primate since Kori Learns is the one who has cable and watches too many nature programs like Life, Planet Earth and When Animals Attack.

1) Have your government develop a sophisticated satellite imaging system. Convince them to do this by telling them they should really track potential nuclear weapon sites and other dangerous sorts of things.

2) Once the satellite is up and running, convince them that their fancy shmancy satellites can be used for other types of good, like scientific research. Everyone loves science!

3) Sob story time. Plead your case about how it’s really, really hard to try and count emperor penguins. Explain how you’ve tried attaching radio transmitters, climbing on ladders above their huddling masses, and even attempted to use jets to track them from the air, but to no avail. These suckers are hard to count. Plus Antartica’s really cold so no one wants to go there in person.

4) Tell the super secret government spy people that they could easily solve the worlds penguin counting problems if they just took a few minutes out of their day to take satellite photos of emperor penguins in Antartica!

5) Offer to pay.

Please note that these five steps only work for counting emperor penguins in the wild. If you just want to count any old group of penguins, there are easier ways. One way would be to go to the New England Aquarium. Or South Africa, which is way warmer than Antartica and has lots of penguins.

The Nile you say? It seems simple doesn’t it. Truth be told the Nile River ends in a large delta area that dumps into the Mediteranean Sea. So what river ends in Cairo?

Well, it’s the (less) exotic Ohio River! The Ohio River joins the Mississippi River in Cairo, Illinois. While the Ohio River does not have the distinction of being the longest river in the world, it is the largest tributary, in terms of volume, of the Mighty Mississippi.

If you think Cairo, Illinois is a strange town name, then you should check out China, Maine (which claims to be the “friendliest town in Maine” so maybe you really should make the trip).

UPDATED: Amanda learns is apparently unhappy with the promotion of Maine (the way life should be) or more importantly, the exclusion of Colorado (the “Highest State”). If you’re looking for a strangely named Colorado locale, look no further than Dinosaur, Colorado! Where there are really (long dead and fossilized) dinosaurs!

This phrase or proverb is to remind you to be grateful for what you are given. It comes from the idea that if you are given a horse as a gift, you should not open it’s mouth to examine it’s teeth to see how old it is [the phrase “long in the tooth” also comes from this indicator of a horse’s age]. Be grateful you got the horse in the first place. An old horse is better than no horse at all. And it’s much better than a bagel twist.

Some people in our office thought that this phrase was associated with the Trojan horse. If you are given a large wooden horse instead of the real kind, feel free to look in its the mouth since it might have armed invaders inside. That is not the same thing nor does it have any relation to the above phrase. So look away!

By the way, this saying does not apply to bagel twists. Even if you get a free bagel twist, run away and leave it in the dust. No bagel twist is always better than a free bagel twist.

Today, well not really today and more like yesterday or Monday, we learned that scientists have re-discovered the DWARF LEMUR OF MADAGASCAR which they believed was extinct. After analyzing this petite lemur’s DNA they conclusively determined that this was in fact a distinct species of lemur! It is also quite adorable, but please note wild animals should never be handled without expert care and do not make good pets.

This week so far, we have completed the Monday and Tuesday NYT crossword puzzles. Today, we finished in 16 minutes or maybe less. We really should learn to keep time better. Other than the satisfaction of completion, we did not gain much from this puzzle in terms of new vocab words. Apparently we have already learned too much.