Same-sex marriage angers cloth

The legalisation of same-sex marriages has enraged cardinals, bishops and so on throughout the ecclesiastical crevice.

Bishop Brendan Barber of Bishopgate foamed at his pulpit for seven hours yesterday, showering his congregation in a deluge of bubbly spittle.

Likewise Cardinal Colin Calling of Cuthbert castigated and cursed for over 19 hours at a prayer meeting, during which several listeners were panicked into flight.

An hysterical rector smashed a bird box in Droitwich, leaving a family of finches homeless, though it was later discovered that the incident was provoked by a Martini spillage. Tonight the birds are in the care of friends.

Arch-baron the right-reverend Barry Ulysses said: “Cameron and his homosexual ilk are determined to drag us into the Age of Filth. I pray for nuclear war."

Homosexuality has traditionally been loathed by Christians because of its connections to Satan, the first gay person. Indeed it was Satan’s attempts to tempt Christ into playful shenanigans during an infamous romp in the desert that really sent the early Christians into a frenzy of mortified apoplexy.

Deacon Peter Hitchens of Mail-on-Line said: “This latest disastrous government policy confirms my most morbid beliefs. The skies above have grown even darker. Everywhere I see a vast abyss and zero hope. Pass the cyanide."