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How To Know If He's "The One" — And What That Even Means

A matchmaker argues that marriage is a gamble, but one worth trying your luck on.

I was in college the night I met him. And even after all these years, the thing I remember most is the unexpected, very physical shiver that immediately ran up my spine when he looked at me. He's It, that shiver said.

We talked, we flirted, we had our first date two days later. I fell hard. I loved that he was sweet, but not saccharine. I loved that he was Jewish, but not too Jewish. I loved that he was a fan of Hot Tamales, the candy I ate by the truckload back then. And (OK, call me shallow) I loved that he was an Ivy League graduate.

Our odds were good: I was 20, he was 23, and we added up to the perfect couple. Except that after three years, as I was busy trying to drop the subtle hint that my ring size was 6 3/4, he was busy cheating on me. I found out, we broke up, and let's just say the next six months weren't pretty.

I'm still not sure what got to me the most: the rejection or the fact that I had truly believed, in my gut, that my boyfriend was The One. So if that first shiver, followed by a fabulous three-year relationship, wasn't the telltale sign, how does anyone ever know who's right for them in the long run?

Apparently, I'm not the only person who has struggled with this question. It came up again last summer, at my client Amy's wedding. I was seated at the "singles table," since brides often like to treat their unattached friends to my dating advice.

The woman next to me leaned over and whispered, "When Amy met Kurt, she told me she just knew it was right. When will I ever feel that way?"

I knew the answer she wanted to hear. By now I've coached thousands of singles on how to find love, and watched hundreds of clients and friends trot down the aisle. But what I wanted to tell her was, "Maybe never."

It wasn't that I didn't believe this woman would ever find the right guy. It was more that I feared she might never know he was the right guy. An hour earlier, sitting in the church, it struck me that what I was really witnessing was a crapshoot. Here was this couple at the altar, pledging their lives to each other.

And as happy as I was for them, I knew the truth: When you get married, all you can really do is roll the dice and hope for the best.

But everywhere I go, I meet smug married couples who love to relate the moment they "just knew" they'd found their life partners. As far as I'm concerned, it's revisionist history; if the marriage in question has worked out so far, they say they acted on their rock solid gut. But if it ended in divorce, they confess to earlier doubts.

1. Mister Albert in 'The Color Purple'

After abusing wife Celie in every imaginable way (including isolating her from her beloved sister and making her fix up his gross living conditions and troll kids), Mister Albert moves his mistress into their house and makes Celie her servant. Perhaps the only bigger monster is Celie's stepfather, who gave her away to Mister Albert.

Photo: IMDB

2. Sheba Hart in 'Notes On A Scandal'

Good wives typically don't have sex with men other than their husbands, who are left home to take care of their kids (one of whom is disabled). Good wives also don't cheat on said husbands with boys. Who are underage. And their students. Seriously, if the genders were reversed in this, the world would have really been flipping out.

Photo: IMDB

3. Carlo Rizzi in 'The Godfather'

Carlo only married his wife, Connie, in hopes of taking over her family business. He also abuses her. Like, a lot.

Photo: IMDB

4. Ginger in 'Casino'

Ginger steals from her husband to fund and fuel her gambling and drug addictions. She also cheats on him with his business partner and at one point ties their daughter to her bed so she can go clubbing. Classy!

Photo: IMDB

5. Humbert Humbert in 'Lolita'

Generally, a good husband doesn't marry you just to leave you dead, then kidnap and continually rape your underage daughter. Just, you know, a rule of thumb.

6. Cora Smith in 'The Postman Always Rings Twice'

7. Earl Hunterson in 'Waitress'

Where do we begin with this one? Jenna has to initially hide her pregnancy from Earl Hunterson, which is generally never a good sign. She also hides some money from him to escape his controlling, sociopathic ways. He also threatens, once he does learn of her pregnancy, that she better not love their baby more than she loves him, and that he wants to use her money to get a Camcorder to make sex videos with her ... but only if she loses the baby weight. What a catch!

Photo: IMDB

8. Lenore in 'Taken' and 'Taken 2'

Famke Janssen's Lenore is still a b*tch to Liam Neeson's Bryan Mills even after he saves their family members from being abducted not once, but twice. Her particular set of skills apparently doesn't include being gracious.

Photo: IMDB

9. Jack Torrance in 'The Shining'

After lying about why he's in a remote Colorado hotel that may or may not contain ghosts that have sex with furries, Jack Torrance tries to murder his wife and child. Hot.

Photo: IMDB

10. Rose DeWitt Bukater in 'Titanic'

Everyone thinks Titanic is some great love story, but it's ultimately about an engaged woman who cheats on her fiancee with a broke dude, then lets the broke dude freeze to death in the ocean. Wonderful.

Photo: IMDB

11. Ennis Del Mar in 'Brokeback Mountain'

Good husbands generally don't bang other married dudes behind their wives' backs, then blame solely the other dude for their marital problems. That won't stop me from watching this movie in slow motion though.

Photo: IMDB

12. Gregory Anton in 'Gaslight'

Upon learning that his wife Paula is traumatized by her aunt's death, Gregory Anton uproots their family and moves into the same house where said aunt died. Then, he psychologically abuses Paula to the point of her doubting her own sanity ... and coining the term "gaslighting."

13. Lori in 'Total Recall'

14. Frank Bennett in 'Fried Green Tomatoes'

After Ruth escapes from Frank's abuse, he comes back ... and tries stealing their newborn baby. Seems kind of douchey, right?

Photo: YouTube

15. Suzanne in 'To Die For'

Suzanne was so motivated to advance in her career that she hired a gang to murder her husband. To be fair, that was probably much quicker than most divorces.

Photo: IMDB

16. Frank Fitts in 'American Beauty'

Listen, I get it. Repressed homosexuality is hard. I know. But it's no excuse to bully and abuse your wife and kid.

Photo: IMDB

17. Jenny in 'Forrest Gump'

After rejecting Forrest Gump for years and only pretending to give a sh*t when he gets shipped over to Vietnam, Jenny marries him. But only also after seeing him on TV and conveniently saying he's the father of her kid, which is at best anachronistic and at worst opportunistic.

Photo: IMDB

18. Jerry Lundegaard in 'Fargo'

When you're greedy enough to get your wife kidnapped (and, spoiler alert, eventually murdered) in hopes of her dad giving you $100K in ransom, you're probably not that emotionally invested in your marriage.

Photo: IMDB

19. Holly McClane in the 'Die Hard' Series

Holly Gennaro McClane is incredibly ungrateful and disrespectful to estranged (then ex-) husband John McClane throughout the entire Die Hard series, despite him saving her life multiple times, once barefoot. Holly McClane can die hard and go right to Hell.

Photo: IMDB

20. Guy Woodhouse in 'Rosemary's Baby'

Spoilers galore: Guy Woodhouse let Satan rape his wife so she'd give birth to the Anti-Christ and he'd get more acting work, then made her think she was crazy. If you don't think that's grounds for divorce, I don't know how to help you.

Photo: IMDB

After abusing wife Celie in every imaginable way (including isolating her from her beloved sister and making her fix up his gross living conditions and troll kids), Mister Albert moves his mistress into their house and makes Celie her servant. Perhaps the only bigger monster is Celie's stepfather, who gave her away to Mister Albert.