One Woman's Journey through the Weight Jungle. Follow me as I evict the tenant that doesn't pay rent and free myself from the evil possessing my frame.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Is It Worth the Weight?

I have a new philosophy: "Si Usted No Lo Puede Deletrear, Quizá Usted No Lo Debe Comer" or "If You Can't Spell It Maybe You Shouldn't Eat It." Y'all know I have been trying to lose this weight and in my quest to do so I have ingested somethings that maybe I shouldn't have.

I'm in the supermarket the other day and I'm thinking what foods can I buy to support my funeralizing the fat? The easy thing is to say: fruits and veggies and beans for protein. Right! In actuality beans are another form of carbs, and without the right knowledge of your body chemistry you could very well be packing on the pounds. Dang!

This is when I start to think to myself that I am frustrated and I want this ungodly weight off my frame. I don't wanna be skinny, but Lord knows I can deal with thick.

I am walking past isle 4 when I see a stand full of un-bagged teas. One of the teas is call "Antiparisito." Now listen, no habla espanol, but I knew enough to know it said "No parasites." So dumb me, I'm thinking, "okay, I should clean out so that I can get an honest to goodness start, maybe I should get this tea..."

So, like most full-sized people, I over-do it. I purchase 4 bags. I rush home, throw the entire contents of 1 bag (although the direction say 1/3 of the bag - hindsight is 20/20) into a pot of boiling water and wait. In 12 minutes, the contents of the pot is a rich forest brown. I search the draws in the kitchen and find a strainer (thanks grandmama). I put the contents into a supersize mug (ain't everything super-sized?) and add to peppermint puffs (I do not have the lemon drops or honey the bag ask for). Greedily, and even though I am unsure of the taste I slurp down the elixir. I wait an hour and...nothing.

Of course by now, I surmised that whatever's swimming in my intestines is too strong for one cup, so I drink another. Again, nothing...until 11:58pm.

Before I know it, I am doubled over in pain and I can't stand up straight. I spend the entire night on the toilet, with book in hand and entirely sleepy. Let me be clear for those of you who haven't gotten the moral of the story:

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.

PLEASE.

If you have decided to lose weight have your general practictioner do a blood work up on you. It's pretty important and they can rule out anything medical. The last thing you want to do is treat something and not have an understanding of what's happening internally. You can trust that my dumb ass will not be doing THAT again!

I don't think I have gone back to myself yet. God help me. I went to the gym yesterday and worked out for an hour. I was determined to burn 340 calories. I fell 100 calories short. Tomorrow is another day.

About Me

I have tried every kind of things to lose weight. The yo-yo dieting, surgeries etc. I decided to do a weight exorcism. Since my body is a temple; I can only surmise that that the weight is evil. This is the story about the expulsion of the weight.