Blogging my experiences living life with mast cell disease. Sharing how my husband (Nick), service dog (Leni), pet dog (Bonk), and I find ways to enjoy life even with a rare disease and trust God even when things feel out of control.

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Monday, May 11, 2015

No Words

I've been meaning to write a post for a while now, but every time I sit down and try to write, nothing comes to mind. It's not that nothing has been going on, just that sometimes life hits you with more than what can be expressed in words.

I could tell you about our most recent "date night" in the ER last week...

I could do my best to explain in words pain so severe I was crying and yelling for Nick to put me down when he was carrying me to the car to take me to the ER...

I could describe the frustration that comes when everything my doctor prescribes does nothing to remedy the problem...

I could attempt to put my feelings of helplessness on paper when I see how my pain and illness makes my family worry and feel helpless right alongside me...

I could try to communicate what it feels like to be afraid of anything going into my stomach because I just. can't. handle. the. pain...

Sometimes there are just no words. This past week has been one of those weeks. But sometimes, it's okay not to have words to describe what has been going on. Sometimes I think it's okay to just let things pass, not focus on the pain and hardship, but be reminded of the only things that matter.

"For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He knows your going through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you. You have lacked nothing."
Deuteronomy 2:7

For whatever reason, Deuteronomy is one of my favorite books of the Bible. I don't really know why, and I'm not even sure when I read it that made it my favorite, but it is. I recently started reading it again, and this verse really jumped out at me.

I AM BLESSED! How easily it can be to lose sight of that when things are hard. Regardless of how rough life gets, God has given me the gift of life. That is enough to declare with confidence that I am blessed beyond words! I am also blessed so far beyond that with an incredible family, friends, and the health that I do have. There are so, so many who struggle much more than I do. Yes I have pain, and yes I do cry that God would take it, but even just this year, God is blessing me so immensely.

GOD KNOWS! Any pain I deal with in this life, Jesus had first. His spiritual and emotional pain the week before His death, the physical pain He experienced during beatings and on the cross, they FAR exceed anything I will ever experience. God created me and knows exactly what I am going through. Jesus personally experienced pain, isolation, fear, doubt, and the deepest desire for God to take the suffering but the willingness to endure if that was God's plan. Nothing I go through is outside of God's knowledge or compassionate understanding.

GOD IS AND HAS BEEN WITH ME! In the midst of the most severe pain when I can't move or breathe, God is wrapping me in His arms. And regardless of what comes in the future, God will continue to hold me. Notice, this verse doesn't say that they always followed God exactly or were perfect children. If anything, the reference to the wilderness may indicate that there was some aimless wandering going on. Yet God stayed with them.

I LACK NOTHING! Sometimes it's okay not to have words because maybe they aren't necessary. I am never beyond the reach of God, so when I can't think of anything to say, I can just rest knowing it's okay. Maybe it's a season for me to begin listening instead of always saying.

I know that's a lot of text for a post beginning with me saying I don't have any words, but I guess the moral of the story here is that I don't have anything to say! This is just what God's been teaching me lately and what's been on my heart. Hope it can be encouraging to at least one other person!

Thank you for your prayers these past few days. I am doing better, but still have a ways to go. Check back for another post later this week!