You Love To Go Out And He Hates It: How To Make It Work

So you love to party and your partner loves to stay in with a good book or mini-series on Netflix. Your weekend dinners consist of bar food or late night taco trucks and your partner’s consist of takeout and delivery meals (that all look alarmingly the same). You’re a social butterfly; he’s a hermit. It is something you can get used to, but the dynamic is naturally not as easy as one between two people who are both partiers or both recluses. Maybe your differences are what make you work, though. Perhaps, aside from how you like to spend your weekends, your personalities are quite complementary and supplementary. Your spunkiness craves his calmness and his quietness responds to your outspokenness. Those types of opposites can be quite good for each other. The rub is simply that, when it’s Friday night, they have very different agendas. If you love to go out and he hates it, here’s what to expect.

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First, why do you want to leave?

First, ask yourself why you want to go out and be away from your partner on a Friday night. Just check in with yourself and make sure this is about being with your friends and not being away from your partner. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening but, it never hurts to check in with yourself.

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Why does he stay in?

Does your partner stay in because he genuinely likes to relax and doesn’t like the bar scene? Or is it because he doesn’t like the way you behave when you’re out, and would rather separate himself from that? That’s just another thing to check in on.

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Find some shared activity

If going out won’t be your shared activity, it’s important that you do find another one. Maybe, in the past when you were single, going out was your one activity. But now that you’re dating a hermit, you may need to get creative and add Salsa dancing classes or hiking to your routine so you have something you do together other than lying around at home. Bonding happens when you share new experiences together.

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Make sure trust is strong

You need to have really strong trust in this type of relationship. You’ll be out, at bars, and you’ll appear single to other men. There will be alcohol. There will be a lot of bodies in crowded places. There might be dancing. You need to have 110% trust in the relationship or your lifestyle will cause a lot of fights.

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Different bedtimes

You won’t go to bed at the same time as much, which is unfortunate. So just make sure your sex life doesn’t take a hit…And make plenty of time to cuddle at other times.

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Different wake up times

You also won’t wake up at the same time. This might drive your partner crazy, as he waits around for you to go to the Farmer’s market that is closing soon. Advise him to just find someone else to do his morning activities with—you’ll tag in on the afternoon stuff.

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Don’t try to change him

Don’t try to change your partner. You knew he was like this when you got into the relationship. Focus on the positive elements of his quieter personality—remember you don’t get to pick and choose when he’s a calmer person or when he’s a partier. Accept him as a whole.

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Don’t let him change you

Don’t let him try to change you, either. If you start staying in and missing out on your socialization, you’ll begin to resent your partner. If one person changes for the other, nobody winds up happy.

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But everyone can compromise

There can, of course, be compromises. You don’t need to go out every night of every weekend. And, your partner can get off the couch for the occasional bar outing. Don’t think it has to be all or nothing.

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Men question his existence

Know that when you go out, without a partner, men will question whether or not your boyfriend is even real. This is especially true if you frequent the same bars, and see the same men, who regularly see you don’t bring a boyfriend.

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Friends question your relationship

Your friends might worry that your relationship isn’t going well. If they’re all dating other partiers, they might think there’s no way you can be happy with a hermit. They might also wonder why your partner wouldn’t want to be with you, and come out.

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Set expectations

Make sure your partner has realistic expectations about when you’ll call/text/come home. It’s probably best that he knows you’ll be mostly out of touch when you’re out. But, also, you should touch base a few times.

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Reign it in for daytime activities

If you two are going to plan daytime activities, reign in your nighttime habits a bit. Don’t have that last round of shots. Go to bed at 1am instead of 4am. Make a few changes so you are actually present and happy during your daytime activities with your partner.

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Your life can feel split in two

Sometimes, it may feel like your life is split into two. You have your nightlife with your friends, and your home life with your partner. Make an effort to comingle everybody, so you don’t feel as if you’re living a double life.

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So include him

Share stories with your partner about your nights out, show him photos, bring him home a taco from the food truck. Make a little effort to make him feel included, so it doesn’t seem like you just turn into a pumpkin when you get home.