Brave Men

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smellingofperfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're
next,fatty."

********************************

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected 2litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange
juice, ahead of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee
and a250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on theconveyor
belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placedthe items in front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmlystated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeedsingle.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothingparticularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off thedrunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

Last edited by jackmilliesmom; 08-27-2007 at 03:27 AM.

jackmilliesmomThanks to Michelle (Kittycats_Delight) for my wonderfulcheerful and special signature and avatar!!!!!!**I'VE BEEN FROSTED**

Never talk to the parrot!

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

"I don't know which weapons will be used in the third World war, but in the fourth, it will be sticks and stones" --- Albert Einstein.

Dear Technical Support,
I have recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all system activity including Applications such as Poker Night 10.2, Football 5.0 and Pub 7.5. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall program doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Dear Troubled User
This is a very common program that men install and complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to block this. Look in the Wife 1.0 user manual under Warnings: Assets, Alimony & Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command “c:\apologize” because ultimately you will have to give the Apologize command before the system will operate as normal.
Wife 1.0 does have some advantages but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several useful support utilities such as ‘Clean and Sweep 3.0’, ‘Cook It 5.1’ and ‘Do Bills 4.2’. However be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program ‘Nag Nag 9.5’. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as ‘Flowers 2.1’ or ‘Diamonds 5.3’.
WARNING!!! Do not, under any circumstances, install ‘Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3’. This application is completely incompatible with Wife 1.0 and is not supported. It will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and require a complete rebuild of your system.
Best of luck,
Tech. Support.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listento me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ************************************************** *************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

My Turn

SNIFFER

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I 'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,
"What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied,
"He just found a bomb!"

My rainbow bridge babies have forever left their paw prints on my heart.
Lilith & Vixen, taken too soon. I love you always.

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,"Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute andwhen she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later the boy is still praying;
"Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies,
"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

My rainbow bridge babies have forever left their paw prints on my heart.
Lilith & Vixen, taken too soon. I love you always.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

This one is fabulous. I have to forward it to my uncle who is retired from the army. Too funny. I loved it.

My rainbow bridge babies have forever left their paw prints on my heart.
Lilith & Vixen, taken too soon. I love you always.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is
just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another
drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the
amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two
legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to
the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds? AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You 're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

FALL CLASSES FOR WOMEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

Class 1
How To be quiet while the TV is on
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 6
Tolerance, understanding that your spouse is compelled to ogle young women.
Explanations and diagrams disputing that looking at young tight bodied men is not the same for you.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Tools, hazards and dangers of use without direct supervision.
first quarter explaining how to identify a Phillips screwdriver
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Driving, returning home with the car in the same condition it left.
Cell phones are not a head rest explained.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers.)