Sunday, December 15, 2013

TMNT/Flaming Carrot Crossover #3

Publication date: January, 1994

Story: Bob Burden

Pencils and Inks: Neil Vokes

Letters: Mary Kelleher

Colors: Eric Vincent

Cover: Jim Lawson and Steve Lavigne

“Land of Green Fire: Part Three”

Summary:

In the clearing, the group is struggling to gun down the
army of flame-men, but they’re running out of ammo. Suddenly, flame-men reinforcements arrive via
river, riding giant leaves. After
sinking a few, the Mysterymen and the Turtles realize that water can extinguish
the flame-men. After cannibalizing the
fuel pump from the Flying Wing, they hose down the flame-men and send them into
retreat.

In the aftermath, all that’s left of the extinguished
flame-men is protoplasmic goop which the Professor describes as being like
giant amoebas (and which the Zeke's describes as smelling like Corn Flakes). The Shoveler and Star
Shark, who were attacked by the flame-men, say that they weren’t burned but
instead drained of energy, like they were being absorbed. Screwball panics when he can’t find his pet
shoelace Sherman, but it turns up in a bag of Fritos. In the morning, Mystic Hand, Bondoman and the
Spleen decide to stay behind and try to reassemble the Flying Wing while the
others return to the I-Team camp and search for more clues. Shortly after they leave, the Spleen sees
something lurking in the woods and Mystic Hand goes to investigate.

Fiddling with the I-Team’s radio, the Professor
determines that the electromagnetic static that brought down the Flying Wing is
spreading out from the ruins and may soon envelope the whole world. They also find Polaroids of the I-Team
getting along with the flame-men and keeping them as pets. Flaming Carrot presumes that once the I-Team
ran out of things to feed them, the flame-men turned on them. The group decides to head to the ancient
ruins, leaving Screwball, Leo and Don behind to guard the camp. Searching the tents, they find one of the
flame-men sleeping on a cot.

At the ruins, Mikey recalls the dream he had about the
ancient city and follows his memories to a hidden opening in one of the
buildings. At last inside the previously impenetrable buildings, Col. Blade
orders Star Shark to stay and guard the door while they split into groups: He,
the Professor, Raph and Mike will go in one direction while Flaming Carrot, Mr.
Furious, the Zeke’s and the Shoveler go in the other. Col. Blade’s group stumbles upon paydirt
quickly, finding skeletons of strange creatures, albeit ones with gold fillings
that imply a greater intelligence.

At the camp, the flame-man introduces himself as P.F.C.
Layton Sykes of Anniston, Alabama. He
says that he was once a member of the previous investigation into the ancient
ruins. His team encountered the
flame-men, who ate anything but plants.
When they ran out of food to feed them, the flame-men devoured him and
his men. They were absorbed into the
flame-men who ate them, merging their consciousnesses. Don asks if he remembers eating himself and,
if so, then what do humans taste like? Sykes says “like chicken”.

Back at the ruins, Col. Blade’s team finds a chamber with
a hole blasted into it by a flamethrower (indicating the I-Team had been
there). Inside are hundreds of glowing
eggs, each containing a flame-creature.
The Professor joyously announces that they must certainly be looking at
beings from another planet.

And at the Flying Wing, Mystic Hand returns with news
that he found nothing. Suddenly, a trio
of cloaked, spectral figures comes floating their way.

And back again at the ruins, Flaming Carrot’s team finds
a huge pod with a glass lid. Inside is
what looks like a 9 foot-tall werewolf clad in a jumpsuit and boots. Ignoring their better judgment, they open the
pod and release the werewolf. The
monster chucks Flaming Carrot, the Zeke’s and the Shoveler out a window and
into the sea. Tearing a pipe off the
wall, Mr. Furious charges the werewolf.

As I said last time, Neil Vokes’s pencils really do improve
this miniseries and it’s at least not as much of a grind to get through as
before. He tries to put a lot of fluid
motion and energy into his pages, even when the characters aren’t doing
anything, and he succeeds in providing the characters with personality when the writing all but refuses to do so. Vokes has a nice cartoony, squash-and-stretch
style that lends to some manic expressions that
befit the absurd goings on. He’s
a much better fit for the material than Lawson was, I’ll say again.

But aside from the art, it’s hard to believe a story
about superheroes and mutants battling flame-monsters in a ruined city could be
this boring. A lot of it has to do with
the excessive dialogue and narrative text that Burden, er, burdens the pages
with. Characters have to think about or
announce what they’re doing and narration has to describe what we’re looking at as if we were blind. I guess it’s
supposed to be this faux Silver Age gimmick or something, but it slows
everything down. As do all the
pointless, random jokes like Screwball’s pet shoelace, the Zeke’s smelling Corn
Flakes in the protoplasmic goop and Donatello setting up a tired “tastes like
chicken” gag.

And did I mention that it takes the characters 8 pages to
realize “water puts out fire”? Because
seriously.

So when I said earlier that this second half of the
miniseries is less of a grind to get through, that doesn’t mean it still ISN’T
a grind to get through. Because it is.