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My documentary ‘Black Hair’ speaks about growing up as a predominantly African woman in a whitewashed and Eurocentric Caribbean society. I address racism, hair-shaming, and overcoming adversity by cutting off my hair in this 20-minute film.

* First your first and last name and location.

My name is Gabriella Bernard and I live in Trinidad & Tobago, located in the Caribbean.

* Can you walk us through what was going through your head when that incident happened? What were you thinking and feeling as they were doing the hair and as you were asking them to consider alternatives?

At first, I was very determined to go home because my hair meant the most to me, and I told the producers that upfront on my application form. It took me about 30 minutes of crying and thinking to finally get to the decision that I made. I felt the need to expressly state my opinion and stand up for myself because truly I believe in promoting natural beauty and there were alternate methods that could have been taken to get my hair straight (wig, weave, blowout, keratin, flat iron). Furthermore, it is a Caribbean show and it is sending a message that we should conform to Eurocentric standards, as perpetuated by every other TV show, movie, magazine cover or whatever it may be, that tells young black women, and the world for that matter, that black people with kinky curly hair are not as good as unblemished porcelain white skin with perfectly straight blonde hair. That the beauty standard is something that we as ‘unfavorable’ black people could never achieve in this lifetime, lest we use cake soap and chemical relaxers. And then EVEN THEN when we conform, we will never be ‘truly’ as beautiful as what we have been brainwashed to believe is the standard. Especially in the context of Jamaica, where the film was produced, where it has been reported time and time again that skin bleaching is a common trend, what sort of message are you perpetuating as an industry leader? It broke my heart and shattered everything I knew when I realized someone who I had looked up to so much would do something as mentally damaging as chemically relaxing my natural hair that I had taken 3 years to grow. The decision stood even after I had told them I had it straight for most of my life and when I decided to go natural I loved myself more for embracing who I am as God intended… I had 2 options: conform and see what success I could achieve, possibly winning a contract to be an international model, something that I have always dreamed and prayed for, or break away and see how this may have been detrimental to my career. I had already left my job, I always looked up to Wendy, modeling was everything for me, and I came to compete… I had to go all the way or forever ask myself ‘what if?’ Though I mentally made the decision, I spent about 10 minutes disassociated from the world, mentally disconnecting myself from my hair and what I was about to do. My hair has always been a part of my identity, and as women, we know all too well how much emotion we have attached to our hair. My hair has always been part of my identity. I had my pretty little girl phase, then I shaved half of it off, I grew it back out and processed it straight. When I decided I was finally going to go natural I went out with a bang by dying my hair blue, purple and blond. I knew it would get damaged but it would be able to grow out. I’ve always expressed myself through my hair, and now they were going to take away something that I had groomed for so long, which was more to me than ‘just hair’, take it all away in a second. And chemical relaxers are permanent, I’m not sure if everyone understands that part, but it’s not something that can be reversed and I had to cut off all my hair after the show because it was now permanently straight and damaged…

The feeling of being stripped of my personality, my uniqueness, like Sampson without his hair…

* When you looked at yourself in the mirror after it happened, what were you feeling?

When I looked in the mirror, I saw the 16-year old version of myself watching me back in disappointment. I had lived most of my conscious life with straight hair and at 16 I wished I had the guts to go natural. I hoped that it would all be worth it in the end… but we all know I came 3rd. My reaction, however, was pure acting. I knew that I couldn’t be the girl who kicked up a fuss in the salon AND sulked over her makeover that she didn’t want to do in the first place. I told myself to let go of my emotions until after the show, and I gave it my best – my all, to try and win the competition. I was determined and I sacrificed a lot, DOWN TO MY HAIR, for a CHANCE to win, and came out deeply disappointed. If I knew then what I know now, I would have definitely walked off, or not have signed up at all. But at that moment, I was too close to my dreams to let it slip through my fingers.

* Is your hair still affected by the treatment they used?

My hair is somewhat affected – some parts haven’t grown into their curls just yet and are straighter than other parts. This is also attributed to previous years of chemical relaxing and I noticed that from the first time I cut my hair.

* What’s been your response to the continued interest at this moment on social media? Were you surprised by the support and reactions?

I was genuinely surprised by the reaction and support received from 95% of people on social media. I didn’t think that people would get it and I feared that it would be perceived negatively and seen as unimportant because I was dismissed so casually in real life, but people went through the same emotions as I did on the set, it seems! So many people were touched and started to reach out to me from other parts of the Caribbean, the US, the UK, Australia, and various countries across Africa and Asia. They shared their stories with me and I am so glad that we are having a global conversation about the reevaluation of the beauty standard. Beauty comes in all shades, shapes, sizes, and cannot be contained by 1 set of standards alone. More and more people are finally loving themselves for who they are and being comfortable in their own skin. I don’t understand why anyone would be against that, but I am so appreciative for those who understand the overarching message and are supporting my efforts. I hope that they too are living their most authentic version of themselves and creating change in their own lives and communities.

More and more people are finally loving themselves for who they are and being comfortable in their own skin

* What about that moment ultimately inspired you to keep fighting and speaking out?

The feeling of being stripped of my personality, my uniqueness, like Sampson without his hair… I don’t want anyone to ever have to go through that to learn the lesson that I did. I want people to continue to stand up for themselves despite what other people may say because they don’t have similar experiences. Our black ancestors before us did not stand up and fight for us to come in this modern day and age to yield to outdated, colonial rules. So many times people have ridiculed me for my hair, on the street, at work or professional settings, and at school… So many times people have been racist or prejudiced towards me because of the color of my skin or how my hair grows up to the sky. So many times I have been affected because of society’s twisted misconceptions and stereotypes that are casted upon us and eventually accepted. This time, I say no more. As I continue to live my truth, I will prove to myself and everyone else that I am a professional, that I am beautiful, that I am competent of doing anything that I put my mind to. I refuse to let my skin color and hair texture ‘hold me back’ from these opportunities in my life, because they are not an evaluation tool of my professionalism, capabilities or intelligence.

* What do you hope viewers at home might learn from what you went through and your response?

I hope that viewers at home will see that it is okay to stand up for yourself… I sacrificed all my hair, and for what? I did everything I could to appease the judges, but all in vain. Social media quickly took to Instagram to voice that I was robbed when I was eliminated. You see, we can change ourselves to fit someone else’s mold, but that does not mean that we will be liked or accepted. It’s only wisdom that can now allow me to look back and say that I wished I stood my ground. I would have both my dignity and my hair. I feared that others would judge me and say that I was truly an unprofessional model for walking off the show. But I’ve learnt that the most important opinion is the one you have of yourself… Always stand your ground; do not yield.

* I noticed that you’re working on an upcoming documentary and continuing to use your social media as a way to speak out against what happened. Why is it important for you to continue this mission? What’s your ultimate hope with sharing words of encouragement regarding hair and calling for change?

My documentary ‘Black Hair’ speaks about growing up as a predominantly African woman in a whitewashed and Eurocentric Caribbean society. I address racism, hair-shaming, and overcoming adversity by cutting off my hair in this 20-minute film. It has been screened at the Say It Loud Film Festival in Washington DC in July, the Trinidad & Tobago Film Festival in September, The Baltimore International Black Film Festival in Maryland from Oct 2-8, the ArtCity Film Festival in Cameroon in Oct, and Kurlz on Film in Los Angeles in Spring 2019. I’ve also started a GoFundMe to submit my documentary to festivals across the world so that people can hear my story: http://www.bit.ly/blackhairdonate 100% of funds will go towards paying submission fees to enter the film, which is currently estimated at USD$3,100. My message is important because it is not just about hair. My message is letting people know that they should live their lives being comfortable in their own skin, in their own appearance, and that we need to look past colonial remnants in our culture that tell us ‘white is best and only white is best’ If all races, particularly the white race, could come together and agree that we are all equal and treat each other equally, we could live in a much better, more advanced society. We have so much more in common than what ‘separates’ us. The sooner we realize that the sooner we can evolve into a more loving era of humanity.

* What other things do you have planned in the wake of this? Are you still modeling? Do you still want to continue talking about this in the future? What are your goals?

I want to continue spreading my message of self-love and positivity. I am still modeling and ultimately I would be elated to become an internationally signed model and walk for Victoria’s Secret. However, I haven’t put all my eggs in one basket and I am also focusing on my background in Marketing and Events Management. I definitely want to continue being an activist for change and I am currently involved in community development programmes in Trinidad & Tobago. I plan to use my influence and education to eventually become a person with political power in the future, such as the Prime Minister of Trinidad & Tobago. We can do a lot to get our economy back on its feet with people who think as progressively as I do, and want to see an actual improvement of the nation. Especially in the wake of the dying oil industry, there are several things that we can do. We can invest in sustainable energy for a greener and cleaner future, especially having the luxury of living on an island that sees an abundance of sun, wind and natural waves for the majority of the year. We can also implement a refugee programme for the Venezuelans coming across to the country whereby they can find shelter, work and make a contribution to our society. Food manufacturing is an industry that can create even more jobs for our citizens and increase our food security. We can also look into reforming the education system by exposing students to new career paths and allowing them to pursue studies tailored to thriving and upcoming industries where there is a huge demand. Construction, mechanics, engineering, plumbing, and other vocational/technical education should be at the forefront as opposed to making people go into debt for an education that they may not be able to use in the future. My ultimate goal is to impact positive change on the world, and I’ve started that by living the best life I can every single day. Some days are good, some days are bad, but I am grateful for every moment of my experience so that I can share it with others and hopefully be a guide to them in their own way.

I am sharing the story of my colleague, smart and very brave and beautiful, former Miss Arizona USA Jordan Wessel. She champions the voices of so many young women in entertainment, not just in the states but all over the world. I think its time to ask myself too,

What it took to be “perfect”

January 18, 2018

Every year I, like many of you, write down resolutions. The No. 1 thing on my list in 2018 is to get healthy both mentallyand physically.

I realize mental health isn’t something most people like to discuss, especially with strangers on the internet. But hey, I created this blog so I can be real with you, so no topic is off limits. Our society views “healthy” as someone with a perfect body. But I think it’s much more than that. In order to be “healthy” you need to balance physical health with emotional and spiritual health. Many of us set goals so we can look a certain way, but why don’t we set goals to feel a certain way?

2013 was one of the best years of my life but came with an overwhelming amount of consequences that I’m still suffering from. I was struggling with severe stomach issues for 2 years, and felt I had no control over my life. I was a freshman in college, but I spent more time at the Mayo Clinic and at my parents house than I did at school. The stomach pain was so severe I struggled getting out of bed, I barely socialized with friends, and was so desperate to just feel “normal” again. After countless medical tests, scans, and misdiagnoses’ I attempted to take my health into my own hands. I found a trainer who struggled with Crohn’s Disease (similar to what I have), yet seemed to function completely normal. I confided in him, and he swore the more I exercised the stronger my body would become and the more I could manage my symptoms. Over time the gym became my sanctuary. I looked forward to sweating everyday and I began feeling significantly better. Given, my diet was extremely limited but for the first time in my life I was seeing physical results in the gym. I was surrounded by fitness competitors, and I admired their dedication to the sport and their insanely ripped bodies. At that time, these individuals were my definition of “healthy” (lol). After 3 months at this gym, I decided to prepare for a bikini competition. I was more determined than ever and became extremely strict with my regimine. I exercised 7 days a week, averaging around 3 hours at the gym, and pushed myself until I was shaking and light headed. All I thought about was the gym, and I fell in love with the process of watching my body transform. The endorphins gave me a natural high, and I thought I could keep-up with that lifestyle forever.

Although I was over-excerising, my diet was the most damaging part of my training. Before the fitness competition, my diet consisted of:

1 Rice cake with a cup of egg whites in the morning

4oz tilapia and asparagus for lunch with 1 rice cake

4oz tilapia and asparagus for dinner

As I look back on that time, I can’t believe I ate the way I did. I was burning hundreds and hundreds of calories every day at the gym, but wasn’t eating nearly enough to keep my body stable. To top it off, I was taking fat burners, which are basically an unnatural amount of caffeine in pill-form, so your body is constantly burning even when you’re not at the gym. I felt drained, but I also felt sexier than ever before because of the attention I was recieving. People were constantly reaching out asking for tips so they could look like me, and be “successful” like I was.

I lost over 40 pounds in 3 months. When I stepped on stage at my fitness competition I was under 100 pounds. For reference, I’m 5’10, so I should never be under 100 pounds. I was frail and weirdly proud of it. I placed 5th overall, and was approached by a judge afterwards who told me I should be walking in the Victorias Secret Fashion Show, which I took as a huge compliment.

My hard work was paying off and my wildest dreams were coming true. I was signed by a modeling agency and I won Miss Arizona USA 2014. From the outside, people thought I had it all, mainly because of my body. Little did anyone know, I was falling apart mentally. I began to equate my weight with my self worth; the thinner I was, the more valuable.

I avoided going out or spending time with friends because I didn’t want to be tempted to eat or drink something that would compromise my figure. All I thought about was calories and training. When I attempted to introduce “normal” foods back into my diet I would get sick. Even attempting to eat turkey, chicken, or protein powder was a struggle. My body couldn’t tolerate or digest anything and I started gaining weight back. I remember stepping on the scale at 107, and feeling disgusted with myself. I had torn both labarums in my hips while training, which suddenly made it hard for me to walk and I definitely couldn’t run. Cardio became painful but I kept doing it because I figured it would keep me small. At this point the negative self talk was at an all time high, I constantly thought to myself, “If I gain any more weight, I’m going to lose everything.” I trained harder. I went back to my previous diet. I took fat burners, but nothing worked. My stomach pain increased daily and no matter how hard I trained, the scale was only going up.

My new trainer, Scott (if you live in AZ I highly recommend him), instantly realized all I cared about was the number on the scale. Since I was preparing for Miss USA, it would have been easy for him to push me to exhaustion and give me tricks to fool my body for a few more months. But he didn’t, he encouraged me to strengthen my mental health, and stop pushing myself so hard in the gym. He was the first fitness professional to educate me on the importance of self love and confidence. Looking back, I wish I would’ve implemented his advice to repair my metabolism and focus on my mental and emotional health more than physical. I was so consumed with doing whatever it took to be a size “0” before Miss USA, that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I didn’t lose the weight, and I competed at a size 4. I was considered one of the “bigger” girls at the competition.

My physical and mental health went out the window after Miss USA. The gym was no longer my sanctuary, it was now a means for punishing myself. If I went out with friends, had a drink, or ate something I “shouldn’t”, I felt guilty and spent hours trying to work it off. It was such an unhealthy cycle and I was trapped.

All of this was happening while my life looked perfect on the outside. Of course no one shows their struggles on social media, so instead of turning to get help I kept up a viscid and hoped it would get easier. Don’t get me wrong, I had so many positive things happening in my life and I am so thankful for my reign. However, if I could go back there’s a lot I would change, beginning with telling myself to chill the F out. When I passed-on my crown, I essentially gave up pushing myself in the gym. It was frustrating not to see results, so I avoided it all-together. When I turned 21 I let go of my routine and decided I was just going to have fun. I surrounded myself with friends, went out to clubs every weekend, traveled all over the country, and had the time of my life. But my new routine of not caring wasn’t working either. I went from one extreme to the other and my body broke down.

To this day, I’m still trying to repair my metabolism. Because of my torn labarums, I will need double hip surgery in the near future. I torchered my body because I thought the smaller I was the happier and more successful I would be. Let me tell you something, even when I was at my smallest, I still wasn’t happy with myself.

In 2015 and 2016, I wrote “get healthier” as my new years resolutions. But as each year passed, I was frustrated because my body didn’t have that “unbelievable change”. My only goal was to get that “perfect” body back.

In 2017 I made the resolution to do everything I could to fall in love with myself. Sounds weird I know, but I realized I would never be perfect so I was setting myself up for failure. I needed to learn to love myself in every phase of my health journey in order to be the best ME I could be. I transformed dramatically in 2017, because I began practicing self-love every day. I was proud of myself for my growth, and I began exercising again because I loved my body, not because I hated it. I journaled, I cut out negative people in my life, I limited social media, and I believed in myself.

I still battle with insecurity at times, but I’ve never felt mentally, emotionally, or spiritually healthier in my life. This shift changed everything. My relationship with myself and with others has improved dramatically and I no longer feel like I need to hide who I am or how far I’ve come.

Being vulnerable is scary, but I share my health journey with you because I know I’m not alone. I believe the majority of women reading this post will be able to relate to me in some way. But most importantly, I want this post to show you that I’m not even close to perfect. I don’t want to be another girl on your instagram feed that makes you feel less than. I’ve said this before, but social media isn’t reality. No one shares their struggles, failures, and insecurities online. It’s easy to get lost in comparison when looking at someone else’s “highlight reel” but the truth is that NO ONE is perfect.

We’re all beautifully and wonderfully made and it’s the year that we begin celebrating that. I want you to join me and become healthier mentally and physically in 2018. Become the best YOU possible, but don’t sacrifice your health to obtain an unrealistic standard of beauty. Learn to appreciate and love the skin you’re in, and watch your entire life transform.

These conversations are already being had. And its time for all of us muse about a new pledge. One that will see each and everyone of us wholesome and completely loving ourselves, and thus being able to love another as such regardless of the way our physical bodies look. To treat our physical with utmost respect, a reflection of mentally balance state of mind. In which ones perception of worth is not derived externally but internally and is not phased by opinions of mentally and emotionally unstable people, nor societies now matter how forceful an impact.

Jordan Wessels’s bravery to share her story on her journey has encouraged me to be more brazen about my own journey too. Yes! Even more brazen that I already am now lol. Because I think theres a lot of trauma release that needs to happen across our human civilization. And I want to start with mine.

More career gist to come soon. What do you think of her story? Feel free to share your below too. This is a safe space and all negativity and spam comment swill be deleted.

I hope your thanksgiving weekend was lit! and you’re recovering nicely from the food.

Welcome to my first style post!! You must have caught a glimpse of Who What Wear in my first style Vlog. Where I introduced my Nappy Style with my SUMMER 2017 STYLE HAUL featuring Fashion Nova X Mystique Boutique NYC.

If you didn’t catch it, you’ve been living under a rock! Baby win with us!! Watch the video below

How I Transitioned my Summer Style Pieces into Fall

Living in NYC for me right now is living on a budget. How expensive this city is not a myth!! And style is a luxury I can’t afford to compromise on. I love to look well put together (most days lol) And I keep my style to my own aesthetics. Meaning I do what what works for me.

Y’all know I’ve been buying Fashion Nova since forever! Way before Bodak Yellow and Team Cardi B was even a thing. Yup! Not only are their items built to hug womanly curves, they are also quite affordable ( if you know when to shop). I live for Fashion Nova discount codes. I shared all the cute pieces I rocked all summer in the video above so don’t forget to watch it! Now here’s how I transition some of these pieces into my fall style.

LAYER LAYER LAYER! Nothing like a cold city to teach you how to layer up.

In these looks I rock my summer dresses over a layer of a Thermal Underwear, Thights and Turtle neck sweaters. Its a classic way to keep all of my skin protected and look chique rocking my summer pieces.

ON THE RUN JUMPSUIT+VINTAGE JACKET+LEOPARD PRINT SCARF

That’s it for today’s nappy style post. I hope you enjoyed the images, feel free ask any questions. What are your tips for saving cost on clothes while transitioning from a summer to fall/winter wardrobe? Please share with me in the comment section below.

The best fashion show of New York Fashion week 2018 is CHROMAT! I’m always so grateful to be part of this show! The energy in the air is always amazing!!! I haven’t been part of any other show in my whole career with such great vibes. Check it out with me behind the scenes.

My Nappy People!!! Its been a minute! How are you and what’s going on with you? How has the start of 2017 been for you? I hope you’ve been taking the bull by the horn and throwing it down like I have!

Its been hella craaaazzzzyyy over on my side as you probably know if you follow me on my social pages. I’ve just moved to New York City!!! About a week aagoooooo ⇒flexes arms in dance motion⇐ loolzz

Its a huge deal for me and I’m sure for anyone who ups and uproots herself from the comfort and stability she has built over the past 3years, and braves it to work for bigger and better things. Like walking down Victoria Secret Runway