There is no amount of understanding, therapy, meetings or fellowship that can repair what is broken. We find the reasons in our upbringing, we learn about psychology and practice the tools others share. It makes sense, we actually understand what happens and accept what happened as well. We grow and get stronger. We make amends and try to fix what is possible. We become productive and find ways to cope with the death of friends, family and try every day to be better. We learn how to live without drinking and using and truly don’t miss it. It takes a lot of time and hard work to get there.

We keep present where we come from and embrace who we become. We try to stay humble and strong. We know that doesn’t only make sense but it is the right thing to do. We live to take care of our health and want to be there for the ones we love.

This is all very real and we truly want it and live for it. But we can’t change the very core of who we are, and we know this is inside us and alive. We choose to live and that is why we stay sober. It is a matter of life and death if we don’t. We know how much we will miss if we are gone and at the same time we don’t care. We would go back to get that feeling of being somewhere high, somewhere above everything, somewhere between reality and our imaginary world from broken children. That never goes, it remains there, in the back of our life and all the good we build. Yes, it is insane, it makes no sense, it is absurd and stupid. Why would we end all the wonders in our lives and change them for a moment in nowhere, for something that is nothing? However we do, we have gone there and will again just as easy.

Is it this madness just sadness? Why would we quit winning for loosing? Why would we choose darkness and silence instead of light and joy? I guess I will never know, it is a foolish bet, all the odds are against, it is clear and still, we would go back there in a second just because of feeling lonely.

Can’t explain it, and don’t really look for finding any whys. just keep taking one step at a time.