Category Archives: SHE

When is my birthday? It’s on Bhadra 11 but I need to be reminded of it by someone else before I know ‘yes, today’s the day I first saw the world some 29 years back’. Stupid? Maybe, but I’ve been more than happy to remain oblivious to and instead be reminded of it by someone else!

Yeah, She is the one who’ve been reminding me the day and inspiring me to pay attention to one of the greatest days in my life. But, it’s really bad of me that I’ve not yet been truly honest on doing justice to Her wholesome suggestion.

But, last year, upon her prod (to celebrate the day), I’d dined out with a small posse of my friends as a celebration to my 28th birthday.

This morning too I was as unaware of Bhadra 11 as I used to be. I only knew it only when She called, texted and wished me Happy Birthday. She’s a wonderful girl, very loving and caring. Shame on me, I forget my own birthday.

For all these years after we hooked up, She’s been zooming in on my birthday every year with great ardour and zeal. She’s beautiful both inside and out!

It had been more than a month this blog was left unwritten. Was busy with my own things. Actually, although unknowingly (yeah, I’m not fatalist entirely), I sometimes come to believe that what we do and comes upon us is already decided.

She has just undergone dental surgery and been in convalescene. She was worried before the surgery but the procedure went off without a hitch and she has finally gotten her long awaited thing done (fulfilled?). Gold is gonna be scented!

She is taking painkillers and having a swollen chops. She says it may last only for short time.

I can’t put in words the pain the apocalypse brought me. The coldest night of 15th December, 2008 was so tragic and apocalyptic that it saw all of my dreams, aspirations and wills die forever. I was virtually left living dead. It’s so agonizing that, I, in later days, transcended any extreme mental abnormalities. In later months, I tried rising from the ashes, but couldn’t. Been so hapless and helpless.

Why I was not killed the very night, I wonder in retrospect about the night.

The only thing I want to narrate here is why I didn’t groom myself for the tryst. Actually, I always think her my very own and at that day, too, I really didn’t think I should be groomed for someone who’s my very very own. So, I didn’t go for the rendezvous suave and sophisticated. I was blind trustful to her so I was really ignorant to my looks, eventhough, I know, I was so disheveled. Why one need to be groomed and care much about their looks while they’re gonna meet their very significant one?

So I went scruffy. My hair was undone. So were beard, mustache and fingernails. I even didn’t choose the best outfit for the occasion. I was knowingly ignorant about these things.

I know, I had already grown untidy after the wedding ceremony and I just didn’t get myself tidy for the tryst, which later turned out a greatest mistake.

There’s also a thing to mention. Actually, I had been tensed for some days as she told she was being asked for a meeting by a guy. I just couldn’t stand and chewed her out badly and had even thought about quitting the meeting.

But, those things were only trivial ones, I think. Actually, there’s another thing that I blame for my failure.

How you react when you get something that you love most and have been longing for so long?! Surely, you can’t act normal. You can’t behave usual. You get ‘brainstormed’ in joy, extreme happiness. Moreover, she’s my love and I was in a very first tryst with her. And, It needed a lot of effort to speak to her in usual tone and I just couldn’t make it a success and she got disappointed. You know, you can’t even mutter when you find your most beloved one right in front of you in your early days of date. You become nervous. Even the bravest and confident men fall far short of their confidence in such situation. I was no exception.

Things could have been right in later meetings, but they were already obliterated. :'((

And, it’s also a culture shock for me to find myself in a new place for the meeting.

These are the things that explain why I didn’t get myself groomed, suave and confident for the rendezvous.

Let’s assume: Were she someone else and not my love, I know I wouldn’t have disappointed her. Love didn’t get me things done, it only destroyed everything. People say, love is beautiful. But, it turned out so dreadful and ugly’ to me.

……………………..

You want to speak to your loved one. But you’re denied, whereas others are allowed. Others are allowed to text them, but you’re not. Can you even imagine this situation?! I’ve been through this worst. I’m not allowed to call her, text her, whereas others are allowed to do so. This is killing me. I’m being killed alive insidiously by this jealousy. This is driving me crazy. I’m jealous and also at the same time envious of her male friends who text her, call her, speak to her at anytime. But me? Alas! I’m fettered. I’m denied. I’m not allowed. What I was and now what I’ve become, it’s far worse than just any worst nightmare. This jealousy is eating me alive and I’m being driven worse and worse.

Last night, though I had slept late as ever, I think at around 2:30 a.m.; she came to my dream!

It’s not new, though. She often comes to my dreams. But this time, it was quite a pleasant and wackiest one. We’re in a fair, roaming and strolling around together with hand in hand! You know, it was really good. It was just great. I’m still laden with the pleasant memories of that night. She’s with me, right with me. And, we’re savouring the rare moments of the tryst!

I was again overwhelmed with tears just minutes ago. I raved at her and today I felt immense guilt. It brought me tears. Actually, I had no intention of adding a blog entry today, but my confession to whatever I’d committed compels me to scrawl something and ask for yet another forgiveness (or say, clemency) from her.

Ni, I humbly and with humility ask you to forgive me for my sass. I’m ridden with guilts and it’s adding more scourge to my already troubled life. Until and unless I’m pardoned, I won’t be able to lead even my troubled life with a wee bit of normalcy. I get better of me when she forgives.

I’m so sorry for whatever I did cos I only could regret now. And, this is the place where I write my life. If I were almighty god, I would exempt myself from all these wrongdoings.