Sunday, March 17, 2013

End of an era

I breastfed my child for 21 months and it was an absolute gift. It changed and evolved and came with ups and downs and frustrations and celebrations, but if I had to wrap up the whole experience into a single word, it would be gift.

In the first few days, after the roller coaster of Finn's birth and all the drama of those final moments, nursing going well was such a relief. He latched on like a champion and made me feel like maybe things were going to be just fine after all. Even after we were separated by my surgery and my sweet four day old had been "confused" by bottles, he did not hesitate for a single second when given the opportunity to nurse again.

In the early months, as new parenthood threw challenges to this sleep-deprived momma left and right, it was nursing that always went well. Little roadblocks- a lazy latch or a bit of an oversupply- were figured out with a bit of research and a lot of support from my family of mom friends. Overcoming them ultimately gave me much needed confidence.

We spent hours upon hours, so many in the middle of the night, in the nursery rocking chair. Thank goodness we splurged on a good one. And as the months went by and I gained some advanced momma skills, side-lying (read: while sleeping) nursing became nothing short of a Godsend.

Nursing in the mornings let us both drift back to sleep. I can perhaps handle a 2 am wakeup followed by a 4 am wakeup, but something about that 6 am wakeup is downright painful if you can't fall back asleep 5 minutes into it. Those moments cuddling in bed and listening to the slow deep breathing of my baby as he fell back asleep with his warm little belly against mine- they are some of my favorites in all of motherhood so far.

Later on as he grew, nursing was a respite from the tedium of entertaining a pre-mobile baby. Sometimes a break to escape by reading a blog post or writing an email via the magic of the iphone, while he was otherwise occupied. Then it was a few moments to relax together in a day of chasing a speedy crawler. It became our way to reconnect after I spent a long day away at work. When he learned to walk- and then run- it was a way to sneak in cuddles with a momentarily-still Finn.

Even pumping, tiresome as it was, was a way to feel like I was still providing for and connecting with my baby during long days away. I wasn't sad to retire it at 13 months, but I was thankful for all it allowed me to do.

Left: Nursing. Right: Pumping.

As he became a toddler, nursing sessions grew shorter, more active on his part and I knew they were evolving- becoming less for nutrition and more for comfort, maybe immunity, and certainly for routine. But they didn't become any less necessary. The moments when he popped off and grinned up at me were just as important as the ones when he was filling his belly. Nursing became a tool for fixing grumpy moods before they escalated into tantrums, for calming a frantic toddler on an airplane (where yes, we nursed at 18 months), and it remained the last magical sleep-preparing step in his bedtime routine until the very end.

When he turned a year old, I let myself admit that my goal was 18 months, and that my personal limit was 24. I didn't want to finish up too soon or too late for each of us, but that seemed like the right time. As we distanced ourselves from that birthday, nursing became even more relaxed, more like a bonus.

The final gift was one from Finn. He was 21 months old, at exactly the halfway mark between the goal I wanted to reach and the limit I didn't. I was not yet four weeks pregnant, which he couldn't have known, but already beginning to wonder how pregnancy and nursing were going to co-exist- not something I very much wanted to find out. We sat down to rock as our bedtime routine had been for all the nights of his life, and instead of nuzzling in to nurse, he rested his chin into the space between my neck and shoulder and sighed contentedly. It could not have been a more perfect end to our experience. He's done the same now every night since, and our routine is still to rock in our chair.

I realize not everyone gets to experience breastfeeding in this way. That's part of the wonder of it for us, and I know we were lucky. Other mommas connect with their babies in other ways and their stories are no less important to them I am sure. But I read the words of a wise woman recently who said we do not have a responsibility to tell the story of the universal human experience- just of our own. Our story is of 21 months- a blink in my child's life really- of a wonderful, wonderful gift. I'll always treasure these memories, and I'll always be so very grateful for that time.

23 comments:

Congratulations and well done mama! I am nursing my toddler (17 mo) and pregnant (18w) and it is quite the experience. I'm so glad I've been able to experience nursing a toddler. Like you said it is not just for nourishment, but now more than ever for comfort.

Best of luck in your pregnancy. Finn and his sibling will be a great age apart.

Well shit, now I'm a blubbering mess of years and emotions! We're 7.5 months into our breastfeeding journey and I get so emotional thinking about when this stage will end. I hope it comes to a natural end when N is ready like it did for you and Finn. I hope I'm strong enough to ignore the stupid comments and opinions from others regarding when I should stop. I'm so glad you and Finn were able to share this special time and bond together.

I'm caught off guard by my own tears. I'm almost 6 months in and the only problem we've had is my low supply which we made it through. I knew this would be very important to me, but I couldn't have known how special it would be, as well. I'm so glad you were able to experience such a gift with Finn and I hope things go just as smoothly with baby2! Congratulations and beautiful post.

made me cry too. that picture of him in the frog t-shirt - so sweet. we are currently nursing at about 14 months. I am hoping for a sweet end like yours. nervous it won't happen because she still loves to nurse 3-4 times a day and I want to be finished by 19 months for a variety of reasons. it really is such a gift and just keeps evolving - I thought she was dropping some and then lately it has been back - maybe comfort from teething. only thing she wanted when she was sick recently. just such a special bond to have. really is a gift and I do appreciate it more now with a toddler - much more than I would have expected.

Beautiful. Your story is very much like mine with my own Finn. My first goal was 12 months, but I was prepared to go 24. We always had a first thing in the morning breastfeed snuggling in bed, dozing together. At almost 20 months, when I was 10 weeks pregnant with my daughter, Finn just said "no" one morning when I offered him his feed. He did the same the next day. So I stopped offering and he stopped asking, and that was that. Knowing I had another bubba on the way to feed made me much less sad about it. I'm now 8 months in to my breastfeeding journey with my daughter, and am going to let her call the end point too. Such a precious time - I need to get more feeding photos while I can!

This has been on my mind a lot lately, and I loved reading your words. We struggled so much at the beginning and I'm nowhere near ready to let go. I don't think M is yet either. Congrats on such a beautiful journey!

OK, I am glad I'm not the only one crying at this!! Such beautiful pictures and the sighing and chin-resting image is just melting my freaking heart.

I also was back in the hospital on day 4, my milk had just come in and my shirt was soaked and I was barking at the nurses to get me the eff out of there so I could go feed my child. It was crazy/fascinating how strongly I felt the biological instinct to nurse. You are right that it's such a beautiful gift!!

I am bawling at this. My son is 17 months old and we're nursing just once a day, in the morning. You put the experience in to words so well... it does feel like a gift now, each day a bonus. I'm so glad about the sweet, peaceful way Finn decided he was finished with nursing. He doesn't need milk any more, but he'll always need his mama. :-)

How sweet! You did an amazing thing for your son, and you should be super proud! I loved hearing that you always nursed him to sleep, I nurse my daughter (9.5 months) to sleep and feel as though I should stop because she needs to learn to "put herself to sleep" as my husband's grandmother ALWAYS reminds me. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in my way of thinking!

Loved your post! I nursed ours for as long as they wanted. As you said, they seem to know when they are done. Ours ranged from 12 months to 18 months. Thanks for explaining to new moms out there that after a while nursing fulfills more of an emotional need than a nutritional need for a child (though I'm sure there's still some of that too). There is nothing like looking down and meeting your little one's eyes, kind of twinkly and immensely satisfied-looking, when they are about 8 or 10 months, and just lying there happy to be next to you. Nursing was hardest for the first month or two, when you grit your teeth if the baby doesn't latch properly (I wish I had had a lactation consultant back then). But I am SO glad I persisted, as it was one of the happiest experiences of my life. All the best with your second baby. I hope s/he turns out to be as good a little nurser and as cuddly as Finn.

Oh my my. What a beautiful post. As a new mom who is absolutely loving my breastfeeding journey, this brought tears to my eyes. You summed it all up so well. I knew when I had my baby that I wanted to breastfeed, and I wanted to try to go for a year....but now that we're 4.5 months in, I'm not quite sure if I want to be the one who controls this journey. If my little one wants to go longer, we absolutely will. Our BFing moments are easily my favorite parts of the day.

Beautiful post! We were also very fortunate in this department. I was more than prepared to extend our journey into toddlerhood, but Sam had other plans. He very easily and very naturally stopped just after he turned one. Sometimes I still miss those intimate moments between the two of us, but I feel lucky that he still wants to snuggle with his momma before bedtime. That part will never change, right? :)

LOVE this post! It is an accomplishment to have made it so far! Such beautiful memories, and I love all the photos too!

I remember being in such pain during the early days and my goal was to make it one more day, then one more week, etc. Here we are at 19 months and my own little Finn is showing no signs of wanting to slow down anytime soon. I think it will be a struggle to drop the nap time and bed time feedings- we are guilty of the nursing to sleep pattern. I am willing to go until two, and am hoping we have an experience like you did in the end!

I feel like I had a very similar experience- at about 18 months C and I were settling in to our normal bed time routine and he just wasn't really interested in nursing, just snuggling. It was SO nice to just know that the time was right and be able to transition so peacefully. I'm glad you had such a great experience!!