Wednesday, May 30, 2007

If you are the person in New York who googled "If everything is normal why wouldn't I get pregnant right away":

It brought tears to my eyes just to see that in my stats. I'm so so sorry you ended up here. God, I hope that this is your only brush with infertility, darling. But just in case, you should know you have a wonderful support group right here. I wish you all the best.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

On CD11 when I went in for my u/s the nurse asked if I was starting to feel full and heavy. Indeed, I was, but The C piped in that it was probably because I had gas. I couldn't help but giggle, it is possible that I had gas (I will not lie), but I was certainly feeling the growth of the follies. The nurse looked my dear husband sqaure in the eyes and said with a straight face, "The C, you know that's an entirely different system, don't you?!" And I, feet in the air, head tilted back, was not able to hold back my reaction of "Oh THAT'S what we're doing wrong!"

On CD14 we stepped into the nurse's office so that she could prepare my hCG injection. I was to administer it at 9pm, so I turned to The C and commented that we would have to nix our date downtown (and go somewhere closer to home), because I like to do the hCG at home (it hurts alot for me, I like to be able to relax afterwards.) The nurse remarked that indeed it would be akward to lift my shirt, swab my belly and inject while sitting at the table. I pointed out that it just wouldn't be fair- The C would be left out of the process (he likes to "help" when I do my injections.) So the nurse offered to give us a spare sterile cup so that The C could be part of the fun and "do his business" at the table, while I do mine. We walked out of the clinic that morning thinking "did she really just say that??!!"

After our IUI* was complete, the nurse popped in a 10 minute video for us to watch, and told us she would be back in 20 minutes. A mere minute after the video ended The C started to get very antsy. He couldn't sit still, and wanted to get the show on the road already. (I was bare from the waist down, and again, pretty much hanging upside down.) After another minute he proclaimed that they must have forgotten about us (my clininc has two exam rooms, so this is an impossibility), and in true guy fashion he started to fantacize about ways to "break us out of there". (YES, I was quick to point out that we weren't locked in the room!) So The C starts talking about how he will make a condom bomb filled with various items in the room in order to blast the wall open. (He didn't seem so concerned that I was lying the half naked with my legs in the air...) THEN he says: "It will be like in that movie... what's it called..." (At which time I offer up names of movies where the characters "break out" of places: James Bond? Mission Impossible? And then I am given more info to work with: "You kow, the movie with the hot 80's guy?" Me: "Oh! Bruce Willis! You mean Die Hard!") (And I am lying there thinking- I just had an IUI- are we really talking about this right now??!!) So, The C continues: "Yes!! It will be like in Die Hard where that big black guy [...pauses to think of name...] G.ene H.ackman...." It is at this point that I completely lose it! I start laughing so hysterically the entire building must have shaken. I was loud, and I couldn't stop myself.

Finally, finally when I stopped laughing I said: "You mean S.amuel L. Ja.ckson, don't you?" And then the nurse arrived, our 20 minutes was up. (Boy did we get looks when we walked into the reception area...)

* As for the IUI itself, it went fine. The "new" doctor (a guy I think that they are training because I believe our doctor has a serious ailment-in that he can't talk-so he is looking to find a partner) did the IUI. I had met him before, and felt comfortable with him, but the procedure itself took longer (he couldn't get the catheter in), and so I was more uncomfortable. The C's swimmers looked great like last time (again we got to look at them under the microscope- so cool!). Everything seemed pretty textbook. There's only 12 more days until we know...

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Really, Mel, I can't get the image of your "baited breath" out of my head. I keep picturing your mouth wide open with a bunch of worms hanging out, and a jolly fisherman dressed in a million-pocketed fishing vest and T.illy hat reaching in for the one that will catch dinner. And I as I write this, I can only imagine the stench of said bait. Ew, I know. It's my fault for mentioning it in the first place.

Apparently, though, at least one person is anxiously waiting for a cycle update. And I, the very thoughtful blogger, am thrilled to oblige.

Yesterday's wanding showed 4 dominant follicles in the 16-19mm range. So yay, I was sent home with my hCG shot. The nurse proclaimed the cycle "picture perfect", and I dang well hope that it continues to be. IUI is tomorrow morning. Of course, I am not the ball of nerves that I was last time. I am now "experienced"- more experienced than I ever wanted to be, unfortunately. But this is what life is dealing to me, and I will take it one step at a time.

One beef I do have is the terrible timing of my "beta days". (I put that in quotes because thus far my clinic has not used betas to determine if I am pregnant or not. I am usually sent off with a "call us if you get a positive HPT, or when your cycle starts".) So ya. Let's review my track record thus far:

Inj cycle 2: completely unremarkable (let's throw this cycle out, I am trying to make a point here!)

Inj cycle 1: December 23 (and the day we set out to visit/celebrate Christmas with The C's family).

Inj cycle 3/IUI: 14dpo is the day before Mother's Day. (If AF wouldn't have arrived early I most certainly would have tested on "that" day.)

Inj 4/IUI (current cycle): 14 dpo is the day of the big bash we are throwing for my dad's 60th birthday. We are talking about a BIG party. With lots of people (people who will invariably ask when we are going to have kids.) One where it will not be appropriate to sit and cry. You get the picture. (Saving grace: we are preparing an awesome white peach sangria.)

WHY does this happen to me?? It's actually pretty bizarre. I'm not asking for pity or anything, I'm just raising this very weird point. It's not enough to have my soul crushed after each cycle, but it has to coincide with some significant exterior event.

An IRL friend who reads from time to time mentioned to me that my last post was "dry". I pointed out that it was probably because I didn't swear even once. Not one fuck, shit, or even a screw that or an oh man. I also realized how technical it was, with a great lack of personality. As someone who has known me for more than half my life, I can see how she would have found it "not me". She does realize, of course, that this is a place primarily about my IF treatment. But in hearing her comment (which I am certainly not upset about, I actually find her observation interesting), I realized that perhaps I show very little of "who I am" other than how I am in relation to my IF.

Here's a small glimpse: Anyone who spends more than a few minutes talking to me realizes that my verbiage is very, um, colourful. And my voice is loud. And my arms fly with lots of expression. And that's just when I am asking if someone wants to join me for a coffee. You should see me when I am passionate about something! My father often inquires why I am talking so angrily, when in fact it is just obscenely loud. On innumerable occasions friends have been mortified when they realize an entire section of a restaurant where we are sitting is hushed and is listening to the sex advice (or some other inappropriate topic) that I am talking about freely.

But like I said, this is what you will realize within minutes of becoming my acquaintance. Anything else you want to know?? Just ask! (And allow me to fill my 2ww.)

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Eeek! It's been so long. I was away in San Francisco over our long weekend, and didn'y have time to update before I left. But here I am!

There's alot to talk about, but I'm pressed for time so I will focus on two items.

Item 1: All of you.I can't thank you enough for your wonderful words at the end of my previous cycle. I know I've said it before, but positive reinforcement never hurts, so here goes: I really don't know how I would get through this voyage of IF without you. Every single one of you. I am so happy that I have found this community. You gals and guys really rock. You understand, you get it, and best of all, you know just what to say. It continues to amaze me that I have you on my "team". Thank you, thank you. Without you I think that the end of last cycle could have been tons worse. Your spirit and your words helped me move forward alot faster than I thought I would be able to.

Which brings me to Item 2: This cycle.Imagine my surprise when my message that I left on the clinic's voice mail was returned with a "come in for a CD3 appointment". (In the past the RE has consistently recommended a cycle off with BCPs.) My u/s revealed a small cyst, but we got the go ahead to proceed with another cycle! Talk about getting up, brushing the dirt of my knees and getting right back on the horse. I was shocked, relieved and excited.

Our protocol is much the same as with our 4 previous inj cycles, with an increase in my Pur.egon dosage. This time: 5mg Fem.ara CD3-7, 60IU Pur.egon starting on CD5. (That's up from 40IU last cycle.) Oh, and as I expressed my concern about AF coming 3 days early we will probably do a progesterone supplement (in pill form- any info on that would be appreciated!) post IUI. The best part- my doctor okayed me to cycle even though I was heading out of town. (I know, not the best option, but we were all pretty confident about how my responds.)

Today is CD12. Yesterday's wanding showed 6 follies around the 13mm mark. We are on the right track. As with our other cycles, everything is moving according to plan.

And now, presenting a preview of topics for future posts: 1-Questions and Answers with my RE and Nurse; 2-The interst that my mother has finally taken in our IF since she has found out that Ih ave been sharing everything with my aunt; and 3-Some tags (hey, I will soon be 2 week waiting so I need to fill my up my time!)

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Apparently my period decided to come 12dpo. Ewy-goowy red flow. (How's that for an image? Gross, I know. That's just about how I'm feeling.)

There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now.

I keep reliving that moment yesterday when I wiped and saw the first signs on the toilet paper. My breath catching in the back of my throat, having to make a conscious effort to exhale. The spotting was pretty much the last thing I thought I would see when I sat down to pee. I just can't get it out of my head.

How could I have had so much hope? Hope could I have been so naive to think that this would really work this time? I was feeling so positive. Man, nothing was going to get me down! Ha! Joke's on me.

At least I don't have the POAS dilema tomorrow. But I also have let go of that dream that I will actually find out that I am going to be a mother on Mother's Day. Again: big fucking joke.

Worst of all, I keep thinking that I used up all my hope and positiveness on this cycle. And if it didn't work this time, how is it ever going to work? Look, I know this was only my first IUI, but even so, it's so hard thinking of moving forward to another cycle.

It's just... well... I feel like I have lost such a huge investment. (Never mind the money, I'm talking emotioanlly here.) And I am just going to turn around tomorrow and invest again.

Of course I will go on, there is no question. At this point I don't see us stopping until we have a child in our arms.

Your words of support, encouragement, and explanation mean the world to me. I am so lucky to have you, my friends in the computer, whom I have never met but understand me like no one else.

Friday, May 11, 2007

I went to the toilet before my 5pm client was set to arrive. What did I find when I wiped? You got it- a little teeny bit of light pink on the paper.

I don't know what to make of this.

(Really I DO, I think that I am just deluding myself for a few more hours.)

Because it's only 11dpo. On my 2 previous medicated cycles my period has come bang on 14dpo. In pretty much full force. None of this spotting shit.

(Though when I bring on my period with BCPs this is always how my period starts. And of course at those times I want it to come faster, but it starts in spits and dribbles.)

This can't be over at 11dpo! It can't! Can it?

I have been having abdominal "feelings" that past 3 days. And they do not resemble the ones that signal the onset of flow. (Those I get just a couple hours before my period starts, and do not feel like I have been feeling.) They have been different. Perhaps they have been fucking with me.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

And nothing much to report. I am quite chillaxed. But if I were to report something the list would look like this:

Boobs sore on and off. (Has happened in the past 2 inj cycles- either from ovulation or fron hCG shot, I am certain.)

Some mild type of sensation in uterine area. (Ummm... could be gas?)

Large under-the-skin painful zit emerging on right side of chin. Have not had a zit like this for about 3 months (since I have consitently been either on BCP or having my body pumped with horemones in order to O.) But lo! It appears that zits are not an EPS, but a sign of impending AF!!

Insane nosebleeds first thing in the morning for the past two days. (Allergies...)

You SEE? There really is nothing of note.

But it doesn't mean I'm letting hope fly out the window. I'm still doing pretty fine. I have tons of work to keep me busy, which is a god-send at this point. I can't believe how I have plowed through my projects in the past 2 weeks. My clients are loving me because what is usually a 2 week delay has become about 4 to 5 days. MUST-KEEP-MIND-AND-BODY-BUSY.

It has not escaped me that Mother's Day is 13dpo. I usually POAS on 13dpo (because if a cycle is a bust I 99% get AF on 14dpo, and I don't like red, bloody surprises.)

The positive side of Mother's Day in my family is that the only mothers that we celebrate are my mother and my grandmother. We don't have any "young" mothers around here: my divorced brother's kids are away with their mother (and they are older anyways-not in the category of "children who upset me"), and all my cousins are more than 10 years younger than I am.

The truth is that I don't know what to do about POAS this time. If it's not positive I don't want to ruin everyone's day by being all sulky and nasty. I can't even imagine what it will be like if it's positive.

I truly want to thank all you lovlies for your comments and support through this cycle. I don't know what I would do without you.

UPDATE: Thank you, people! I am an avid fan of avoiding Dr. Google. Guess what I just spent the last little while researching? Yup: nosebleeds. I never knew!

Friday, May 04, 2007

This is my busiest time of year. I have clients hounding me left right and centre for their finished work. I work alone, so I have no one to delegate to. Couple that with my back that I wrenched last week which resulted in 3 days of incapacitaton, and an upcoming jaunt to San Francisco for my cousin's Bar Mitzvah in 2 weeks, and I feel like I'm a little up shit creek without a paddle.

Right, so that's why it's taken me so long to post about Monday's IUI.

Everything really went swimingly- once we got there.

The C dropped me off because there was no immediate parking. 20 minutes later he STILL hadn't found parking (therefore we were late for our appointment). I stood in the lobby with tears streaming down my face- like I wasn't stressed enough already! On what would be his last circle around the area I saw himm, jumped in the car and commanded him to urn the corner and park illegally- we have already spent countless thousands, we could deal with a $42.00 parking ticket.

By the time we got up to the clinic my freakout had ended and my eyes were alomst dry. (My brain was working irrationally- we can't even park properly- no wonder we can't get pregnant!) The nurse led us to "the room" (maybe someday I will describe the man's room at this clinic, it always makes me laugh) and we got right down to business. This was the easiest experience we have had so far with the cup (thank god, because we were late). The C said he was really turned on because he was thinking how this sperm would be the one to make a baby. Not soft music and wine on a romantic night, but close enough!

We headed to Star.bucks for an hour (and reparked the car.) When we returned the sperm was ready. First we had our lesson with the embryologist as she showed us the sperm under a microscope before it was washed, as well as after. The difference is unbelievable. She told us that The C had a very high volume of semen, so when concentrated we had as many as 200 million sperm to inseminate with.

Off we went to a "secret chamber" (a room behind the regular u/s room that I didn't even know existed) to prepare for the IUI. Overall the procedure was quick and painless (except for the speculum- UGH!) and the nurse talked us through the entire procedure (remember that my doctor doesn't have a voice!). The C was really interested in what was going on (hey this could be our conception story) and at one point he got up and had a look at my cervix. I was pretty relaxed, and felt good. I lay on the table for 20 minutes after the IUI, and then got dressed and went home.

That's it that's all. It was exciting, and now that it's done I know it's certainly nothing to be nervous about. I think the nerves come mostly from not being able to know the outcome for another 2 weeks.

Today is 4 dpo (if the day of insemination is day 0-correct me if I'm wrong, please!), so of course I have no sympotoms. Just the usual sore nipples that are come packaged with my hCG shot. Really, there is no reason to think that this IUI won't work- 2 follilces, lots of sperm, cosmic alignement... unless there is something else wrong with us. For now I'm choosing to remain positive.