The Between the Sheets

Nobody said that; I just made it up to justify today’s post, which had me LOLing so hard I ran out of time to write!

The following is what my friend P. wrote in a card that arrived in the mail the other day. It included a check as a wedding gift. Our wedding, it is important to note, took place a year and 24 days ago. It’s also important to note that Sean and I are moving to Montreal at the end of July, hence the Canada references.

Do not make a Between the Sheets — a 1920s classic cocktail, my Little Book of Big Drinks tells me — and then read this, because you’ll wind up slarfing your Between the Sheets out your nose:

Sean + Rosie — Hi. I’m certain that this letter is arriving after you two lovebirds have celebrated your first anniversary. I realize the faux pas, but I hope you might overlook this on account of my being a douchemoron asshole. Seriously — I missed so many good opportunities for some well-timed humor. For instance: “Yes, I waited several months to celebrate your nuptials w/ a monetary contribution to RoseSean, LLC, but while you don’t remember which uncle gave you that dinette set which you used this morning, you might remember your good friend Pat helping you pay for Christmas/NYE/either of your birthday presents/spring break in Panama City/income taxes/March Madness pools which you inevitably lost because both your teams sucked/new socks (move to Canada, eh!).”

Instead you’re just getting a shitty card that bounced around my back seat for no less than three weeks. Seriously, look how fucking beat up this envelope is! The good news is that I invested your present and it appreciated by $8.47. You’re welcome. xoxoPB

p.s. Why don’t they make humorous wedding cards? How about a “Congrats on your first marriage?” Anything? I settled on this one because there is a quote from some French asshole [Ed. note: Antoine de Saint-Exupery] and I figured that would be topical w/ your moving to Canada and shit. You may have moved to Canada by the time this card gets to NYC. FUCK! Missed a good one…

p.p.s. I had lots of fun at ya’lls wedding.

p.p.p.s. I seriously hope you can read my wicked handwriting and can forgive my multitude of typos.

p.p.p.p.s. Hope we’ll see you soon!

p.p.p.p.p.s. I’m getting my money’s worth for this card ($2.99). Fun fact: This card will be worth more when you move to Canada, eh! [Ed. On the back of the card, it notes that it costs $4.25 Canadian.]

p.p.p.p.p.p.s. I wrote this card on June 13th, but I had misplaced my last checkbook. Found the remains in the dryer later that week. New checks arrived June 24th. I have always intended to be a better friend. PB”

The Between the Sheets

(Adapted from Mini Bar: A Little Book of Big Drinks by Mittie Hellmich)