The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Fourth Edition)

As anyone would guess, Christmas gifts are among the most important holiday traditions. Since if we didn’t exchange gifts during this time of year, we wouldn’t have all this Christmas commercialism in the first place. Nonetheless, while we always look forward to opening our Christmas presents, not all gifts will be winners. In fact, everyone has probably received a terrible Christmas gift at one point of their lives. After all, there are plenty of people who are very hard to buy for. Or many of the people in your life are on a budget. Or you had to buy a gift for someone you didn’t know or a secret Santa. But there are some gifts that go beyond the conventional bad Christmas presents. You’ll probably never receive any of these. But if you do, know that you’re probably not alone. Or someone has seen my bad gift posts and possibly hates you. In any case, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of holiday gift disasters. Some of these may not be safe for work, by the way.

Jewel Encrusted Kleenex box

Basically says, “you sneeze a lot and have very expensive tastes.” Besides, you can get cheaper tissue boxes than this.

2. Creative Cursing: A Mix and Match Profanity Generator

If you want to protest Donald Trump like a Brit, this is the book for you. Otherwise, best not to give to children who might make their parents think you’re setting a bad example.

3. Chambong Shooter Set

Now you can shoot champagne straight into your mouth. Might make people think you have a drinking problem.

4. Trumpy Bear

He’s basically a Donald Trump teddy bear that will turn everything you love into shit. Great for inflicting harm on your enemies. Still, for the love of God, kill it. Kill it with fire.

5. Toothed Mug

Guaranteed to creep people out when you have your coffee. Seriously, who puts teeth on a mug?

6. Toilet Donald

From Huffington Post: “Imagine waking up at 3 a.m. and seeing this Toilet Donald statue angrily tweeting about some imagined slight. Oh, sorry. That’s a nightmare.”

7. Praying Mantis Angel

From Huffington Post: “This praying mantis statue definitely offers a new angle on angels. If the recipient looks at you incredulously (a good possibility), just look beatifically at the sky and say, ‘the Lord does work in strange and mysterious ways.'”

8. Impeach Toaster and Jam

From Huffington Post: “Looking for a gift for the person still feeling burned by the 2016 election? Want something special for the person who thinks Trump is toast in 2020? This Trump toaster burns the face of The Donald on one side of bread, with ‘You’re Fired!’ on the other. The product’s website also sells ‘Impeach Jam.'”

9. Tactical Kilt

From Huffington Post: “If you’re in a situation where you’re wearing a kilt, it’s not a bad idea for it to be camouflaged (why call attention to yourself?). The Tactical Kilt is especially handy because it has pockets and compartments that allow you to hide weapons, the better to protect yourself if people make fun of you.”

10. Life Preserver Bottle Cover

From Huffington Post: “Why a life preserver for a bottle of wine? If you have to ask why, you’ll never understand.”

11. Moose Foot Rest

From Huffington Post: “After a hard day, there is nothing like resting your feet on a moose-shaped Ottoman. And there is probably nothing in your house that matches a moose-shaped Ottoman. Just a warning: If you get this for Christmas, your kids will never let you get rid of it.”

12. Potty Texter

From Huffington Post: “Texting in a bathroom isn’t easy. You have to hold the phone with both hands, leaving nothing to hold a glass of wine (or anything else). The Potty Texter apparently makes it easier to answer nature’s call while answering emails or checking out social media feeds. Just promise me you won’t use this to do a Facebook Live feed, please?”

13. Hand Turkey Statue

From Huffington Post: “Hand turkeys are a common art project for school kids, but few of them are as elaborate as this statue that combines a turkey head with a human hand. Or as creepy. Yep, definitely creepy.”

14. Beard Bib

From The Huffington Post: “Some weird gifts are actually weirdly useful, such as the Beard Bib. Hook it to a mirror with suction cup and it will catch all the facial hair before it gets stuck on the sink. I assume it could also work for vomit, spittle, last night’s dinner and other things you don’t want in the sink, but that’s a little gross to think about.”

15. Vladimir Putin Scratching Post

From The Huffington Post: “If Donald Trump can scratch Vladimir Putin’s back, why can’t your cat scratch everywhere else. Yes, all cats will be rushin’ to use this scratching post of the Russian dictator, even though others would rather scratch his eyes out.”

16. Mini Mobile LED Disco Ball

That way, you can bring the party anywhere. But make sure you plug it in first.

17. Emergency Underwear

If you need a pair on the go, these will serve you well. Just go into a bathroom and change first. Still, this is a pretty terrible gift.

18. You Said You Wanted Nothing Box

For the person who said they wanted nothing. But you didn’t get the memo that they expected you to give them a gift anyway.

19. How to Traumatize Your Children: 7 Proven Methods to Help You Screw Up Your Kids Deliberately and with Skill by Knock Knock

An ideal gift for the parent who wants to scare the kids straight. Then again, this might not be good for any children.

20. Chanel Lightbulb Heels

For the woman who wants to make an electric entrance. Then again, I’m not sure if the light actually works. Also, looks pretty ridiculous.

21. Nude Art Purse

As you can see, the art isn’t the greatest. Faces range from Cubist to goblin.

22. Nicholas Cage Sequin Pillow

On one side, it’s shiny red. On the other is Nicholas Cage’s face. Hope your loved one enjoys this one.

23. Glow in the Dark Toilet Seat

Now if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you can find your way. Yet, it’ll make your toilet appear like a nuclear disaster area.

24. The Hungoevr Cookbook by Milton Crawford

For the person in your life who loves food. But is often seen holding bottle of booze at a party when you see them.

25. Fifty Shades of Chicken by FL Fowler

It’s like Fifty Shades of Grey. But with kinky chicken recipes to try with your partner. Then again, that might be a better idea than the real book.

26. Bernie Sanders Chia Head

For the democratic socialist with a green thumb. Nonetheless, Bernie certainly has hair like that.

27. Farting Teddy Bear

It’s a cuddly teddy bear known to break wind. Kids will love it. Parents not so much.

28. Motorized Rolling Pin

Okay, this is a prank pack. But I’m sure many would want something that would roll the dough itself.

29. Big Head Squirrel Feeder

Allows you to feed the critters outside. Though a bird feeder works just as well. Seriously, I’ve seen it in action.

30. Bluetooth Bathroom Scale

It’s the hot new tech gift that nobody wants, especially women. Great for making that special someone hate you for the rest of your life.

31. Toilet Office Organizer

You can store paper clips in the seat. While the figure holds tape as toilet paper and pencil at the mouth.

32. Crumpled Trash Throw Pillow

From Buzzfeed: “Crumpled trash is the pinnacle of true love.” I’d beg to differ on that.

33. Chopstick Pencils

Now you can eat and write with the same utensils. Okay, that’s quite unsanitary.

34. Star Trek: Next Generation Tiki Mugs

From The Huffington Post: “This collection of tiki mugs — modeled on the mugs of various characters from ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ — is perfect for the person who loves foofy drinks and ‘90s sci-fi. As Jean-Luc Picard might say: ‘Make it so … alcoholic.'” Wait a minute, Cardassians and Ferengi are much more appropriate for Deep Space Nine.

35. Syringe Highlighters

From Buzzfeed: “For the friend who has to endure medical school.” Or nursing school. Come in 6 different colors.

36. Eyebrow Razors

It’s a cute way of telling your loved one that they remind you of the Wolfman. And that it might not be a good thing.

37. GameMaxx Hydrating Game Controller

It’s supposed to keep you hydrated while you play video games. Okay, it’s actually a prank pack. Sorry to disappoint you.

38. iDrive Mobile Device Mount Accessory

It’s a mount you can use to put your device up. Yes, it’s another prank pack. But that’s beside the point.

39. Anti-Fatigue Mat

From Refinery29: “Because ladies LOVE doing dishes in their heels.” Actually we women do not.

40. Beginner’s Whittling Kit

From Refinery29: “For the recent retiree or gentleman/woman/homesteader of leisure in your life, a gift that truly says, ‘This should keep you busy while you run out the ol’ life-clock.’ Your giftee will know you value traditional, rural handicraft and savings when you show them that it comes with a free issue of Carving Magazine!”

41. Bracelet Assistant

From Refinery29: “Finally, a gift that reminds me of my arthritic wrists.” Maybe if you have arthritis, you shouldn’t wear bracelets.

42. Personal Pie Maker

From Refinery29: “Finally, a girl can make four pies simultaneously, in a weird iron-maiden-type device, in the comfort and safety of her own home. Psych, everyone — this is actually the best gift.”

43. Wrap Purse

From Refinery29: “It’s a scarf! No, it’s a purse! It’s a scurseparf! Forget those bras with pockets: Here’s the today way to sassily sport the valuables you need most, like your bling-y barrettes and Sophie Kinsella novels.”

44. Wine-Cork Trivet

From Refinery29: “This is a super-classy, MoMA-approved way to commemorate the 36 most special times you ever got lit (precious memories). Don’t buy it for us, though. Our boxes of Chardonnay don’t come with corks.”

45. Edible Eyes

They’re eyes you can stick on your food. Takes playing with it to a whole new level.

46. The Very Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes by Ian Allen

I’m sure it’s given to dads everywhere. With this book, they can be lame like the dad in that 1970s style cover.

47. Sushi Cat Keychains

Indeed, these are cats on vinegar rice you can hang on your backpack or purse. For cat and sushi lovers everywhere.

48. Napsack Sleep Hood

With this you can take a nap anytime and anywhere. Okay, this is actually a prank pack. But many would wish it can be the real thing.

49. Couch Potato Chips Pillow

Guaranteed to last longer than a real bag of potato chips. Though this woman doesn’t know the difference.

50. Floppy Disk Coffee Table

Comes with a secret compartment. Though your younger guests might think it resembles a save icon.

51. Chewing Gum Magnets

From Buzzfeed: “HA HAR HA. Tell ’em how you really feel.” Wonder how people would react if you put them on your fridge.

52. Hinge Packing Tape

It’s packing tape with hinges on it. Makes it seem that packages are easier or harder to open than they really are.

53. Cinema Place Mat

Makes you think that your dinner is a preview. Not sure if that helps matters.

54. Pizza Bedsheets

Do you love pizza so much you’d want to go to bed with it? Now you can in a way. Still, it’s kind of tacky.

55. Plop Trumps Card Game

It’s a card game on the different kinds of poop there are. Disgusting? I know.

56. Polaroid Toilet Paper Holder

That way you can get toilet paper like you got polaroids. Yet, many younger people may not know what this is supposed to resemble.

57. Beerzicle

It’s to keep your beer cool when you don’t have a fridge in sight. Yeah, they seem to make so many beer products for some reason.

It’s a way you can carry your lunch and freak people out at the same time. Comes with eye chart.

78. Waxed Ranch Flavored Dental Floss

It’s dental floss with a ranch dressing taste. While using it will clean your teeth, your mouth won’t smell like minty freshness.

79. Instant Audience

For the person who needs constant reactions but can’t afford a crowd. Perfect for the person who has to work closely for Donald Trump.

80. Shittens

They’re mittens for wiping your butt when you go to the bathroom. I’m sure they’re disposable.

81. Pizza Box Seat

It’s a seat made from pizza boxes. Great way to show the world you love pizza and are poor.

82. Ryan Gosling Panties

For the girl who loves Ryan Gosling. But if you’re her boyfriend, you’ll eventually get sick of looking at his face after awhile.

83. Selfies: A Photo Album of Me, Myself, and I

Finally, a photo album for the pictures you take of yourself. Perfect for the narcissists in your life.

84. Drunk, Stoned, or Stupid: A Party Game

It’s one of those party games where players decide who’s most likely to do what. By the way, no one wins at the game.

85. Happy Guy Cork Screw

I’m sure this guy will make your parties. Though you wouldn’t want children to attend them. Since he has a rather swirly appendage.

86. Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush

Now you can hear the music of Justin Bieber while cleaning your teeth. Perfect for that special someone who you want to see suffer.

87. Fortune Telling Tumbler

From The Huffington Post: “Some people look for happiness in the bottom of a glass. Now you can see the future. The Fortune Teller Tumbler uses the same ‘technology’ of the Magic 8 Ball kids toy to answer life’s most pressing questions. ‘Am I going to get stupid drunk tonight trying to get a decent fortune out of this glass?’ ‘All signs point to yes.'”

88. Portable Breathalyzer

From The Huffington Post: “Drinking more during the holidays? The AlcoMate portable breathalyzer can come in handy. However, take it from me: People get awfully competitive when you have a portable breathalyzer: Everyone will try to beat the other person’s score and the only one who wins is the Uber driver.” Perfect for choosing who’s going to be the designated driver.

89. Poop: The Game

From The Huffington Post: “Just to be clear: Poop is a game, not actual poop itself. The game requires players to get rid of their ‘poop’ cards without clogging the toilet. Certainly, there are crappier gifts to get.”

90. Ben & Jerry’s Euphoir-Ice Cream Pint Combination Lock Protector

For the person who’s a bit too possessive about their ice cream. Surely there’s enough to share around.

91. The Grilled Cheesus Sandwich Press

Want to make a delicious grilled cheese and drive Bible Belt Christians nuts? This is for you.

92. Beer Helmet

Perfect for the drunken frat boy in your life who loves beer. Like Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

93. 64oz Huge Giant Flask

Comes with 2 shot glasses for a drinking game. Perfect for the drunk uncle in your life.

94. Fart Extinguisher

It’s a way to manage those silent but deadlies. Though I don’t think it does shit.

95. Talking Donald Trump Statue

From The Huffington Post: “Just what everyone wants for Christmas: A Donald Trump doll that spouts 17 of the trademark phrases he repeats at all of his rallies. Give this to a Trump supporter at your own risk, because they will keep pushing the button in order to push your buttons.” Unlike the real Trump, at least this one shuts up when you want it to and doesn’t take its unstoppable rage on Twitter.

96. DNA Wine

From The Huffington Post: “Know someone who is really picky about their wine, but doesn’t know why they like what they like? Let DNA do the dirty work. The Vinome wine club selects wine based on the flavor preferences found in certain gene markers. The DNA spit test can help determine if the drinker is partial to bitter flavors, fruity flavors, and certain types of reds or whites. It worked for me and determined I like wine. Lots of it! Thank you, science!”

97. Gunsticles

From The Huffington Post: “Gunsticles are metal balls in the shape of testicles designed to be attached to a gun. They serve no purpose whatsoever, other than to: A) tell others you have ‘balls,’ and B) letting others at the gun range easily spot the tool.”

98. Fish Sandals

From The Huffington Post: “Fish sandals. Two words you never realized sounded so good together until you read them just now.” Still, they look kind of disgusting.

99. Hidden Door

From The Huffington Post: “It’s not for everyone, but you know there is at least one person in your life who would love a hidden door. Bonus points if they are a legit mad scientist. Negative points if they operate a meth lab.”

100. Singing Pasta Timer

From The Huffington Post: “Figuring out whether pasta is ready is one of life’s hassles, requiring a person to repeatedly pick spaghetti out of a boiling pot and fling it against a wall. Wouldn’t it better to have a singing piece of plastic to let you know? Please don’t answer that. I can’t hear you anyway.”