Friday, November 18

I spent an entire week working on some new publications for my office, actually enjoying the creative process and even working while at work (I know, crazy idea, right?)...and it was just squashed to hell by my boss. Everything. The only thing she liked was the color scheme; and the color scheme? Yeh, it was the same as before. I've been sitting at this desk for three years now, telling myself it's okay to be at a job that I'm not really into, because I'm in transition, trying to find what I want to do next. Along the way, I've learned that the majority of people my age are in transition...and do you know what that means? Alot of unhappy, confused motherfuckers. So now I'm sitting here, pissed off that the work I've done for the past week --- and enjoyed --- was a waste of my time. I could've been writing for my blog. I don't get paid enough for this shit, and yet I'm supposed to work as hard as if I were getting paid 10's of thousands more? It just doesn't make sense. And then it's only worsened by the fact that I've spent some good time looking for other jobs, sending out my resumes, working on bullshit cover letters, to only hear back from a job that can only offer 20K. Is that even minimum wage? What are we supposed to do? I realize that I've got it better than a lot of people, that I have a job and should be thankful for that alone, but it sucks because people my age, with the same background and experience, are getting things practically handed to them (just so you know, S, I'm not talking about you...you deserve every bit of happiness that you have gotten in this world, more than anyone I know, in fact. And you know what? A lot of my true happiness these days is drawn from people like you, people who are just shining in their life, it couldn't feel more wonderful to have a close friend getting everything they've wanted, and being genuinely happy --- it gives me something to strive for, and I thank you for that. Okay...now back to bitching...) where was I? Oh right, people getting it handed to them...I think I'll move on from that, because now I've lost where I was going. My point here is that this is bullshit. It's bullshit that I want a new direction in my life, I'm searching for that direction, and while others seem to get it layed before them; I have to dodge bushes and rocks and trees, and the road is all covered in brush...and I'm trying, I'm trying hard...but it's just not clearing up for me. I'm wondering when the hell a wind will come and clear the path...it's been three years now of calm.

Last night, on my way home, I saw a shooting star when I was in the middle of a city. Later as I was walking Took, I saw another shooting start above the trees. I don't know, I felt like maybe it was a sign of some sorts. But then again, a part of me thinks that we create signs when we feel we need them...and I'm okay with that. So I think I'm going to tell myself that the shooting stars were signs, because honestly, I can't remember the last time I saw one. And that part of me that I mentioned above, almost feels like if we believe in signs, we'll force our way to that change we create. Surely three years of trying to create change, will finely pay off. I hope soon, I'm not sure I can handle much more of this underpaid bullshit. I can't even afford to pay off my loans for the education that supposedly got me here. This society is fucked up.

And those are my thoughts for this friday. Now I have to go work on a spreadsheet for it to only be returned to me in need of being changed...again.

Monday, November 14

Check it out: my almamater, Appalachian, got some props from SustainableBusiness.com. It's an article of the Appropriate Technology department that I got my minor in Sustainable Development through. It's nice to see they're getting recognition, it was a great program.Aw...kind of makes me miss the ol' Boone.

Friday, November 11

I was telling Rob this morning that I'm back into the phase of my life where I don't care to know what's going on in the world, because it upsets me too much. It's an ignorant and selfish way to live, I realize this, but then I read things like this:

and I am overwhelmed with guilt, hatred, and fear. We have no idea, and will never come even close to understanding what it is like to live life like this. We can read it all we want, read the gory details that the NY Times press explain with such indifference, feel like we're going to be sick with disgust, but still not come close to knowing what it's like to be present on one of the happiest days of your life, filled with such euphoria...and have it turned into a day of blood and death and torn limbs. We only know such scenes from a Hollywood set. We are so sheltered and removed from this, as much as we want to think that our glutenous American lives are horrible and difficult, they're not. They will never come close to the lives of most of the people on this planet.

When I read things like this, I feel so insignificant, so helpless...I want to crawl inside and cry without end. I get confused and distraught, wondering if I should feel blessed and go out and utilize the freedom that has been bestowed upon me by a chance birth, or if I should feel hatred and discontentment with my siutation and the people around me.

This is why I think sometimes it's better to be ignorant. I know these things go on, but when I have such evidence through descriptive words, there's nothing I can do but cry. Then I go out to my car, with only thoughts of what I should eat for lunch and what music I should listen to, and feel disgusted at how much people take this for granted. I don't know how to feel...because I can't feel. This isn't feeling. None of what I experience are close to the feelings some endure.

Monday, November 7

A week in Maine does a body good. I left on hiatus rather abruptly. I was so tired of my muddled mind, my disappointment in myself, my unhappiness with the world around me, that the wednesday before last week, I decided a vacation it would be. I went home to Maine to stay with my parents. I spent the entire week do nothing but sleeping in, running by the water, hanging out with Took, eating free food, and staying up late. The one productive thing I did was work on my resume and apply to a job. It felt good. All of it. I needed this in so many ways. And now I'm back and feel refreshed, I even told a homeowner in the neighborhood that I park my car in that the work he's done on his house "is lovely." I said "lovely." To a stranger. I never say lovely. I think I even smiled.

Things are clearer now. The problems I was dealing with (and still am), don't seem nearly as paralyzing as I thought they were. They still exist, and are still on my mind, but I feel like I can handle them now. I had a hard time leaving Maine, I even cried a little bit as I drove away...even at 26, things don't seem as bad when you have your mom there to hug you. I'm lucky to have that, to have a home to escape to, and parent's to help me get through. I'm focused now on making the change I've craved for so long. I'm still not sure what the change will be, but I feel it coming...which is something I couldn't even come close to before I left. It feels good. I am also aware that I do this, that I go from up to down to up to down like I change outfits in the morning, but for now, I will try to revel in this, and be productive while I'm on this current up.

I came home to a beautiful vase of flowers from Rob by my door, wood on my porch from a friend, and a card from one of the most incredible friends a girl could have. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, the dread of coming home had transfixed itself in the Christmas lights on my ficus in the dining room to feelings of contentment...it was good to be home...even if this isn't going to be my home forever. I was happy for the night, happy for the people in my life, and happy I had escaped, even just for a week.