BLAH

INTRODUCTION TO THE SERIES

So I had a bad idea. Welcome to my little project, as for kicks I'm
going to review every WWF pay-per-view from 1996. The obvious question
I guess then is "why?" (No, "what are you smoking" isn't what I was
thinking of...). Well, I've always thought this year got something of a
bad rap from people (a thought reinforced by the reactions to this idea
from some...:)), when in fact many of the shows were in the range of
good to excellent in my opinion, and in fact it may be, top to bottom,
my favorite year in WWF history, hence my choice of this as a series.
From Shawn Michaels carrying everything on two legs, live, dead, or
Kevin Nash, to ****+ matches, to the last good months of Bret Hart:
babyface, and Vader on US soil, to the debut of Mick Foley and the
start of his excellent feud with the Undertaker, this was a year which
had a great deal of high quality wrestling and historic occurrences
taking place within its limits, many of which have been either
forgotten or only dimly remembered as time passes. So here we start
with the Royal Rumble, and with luck I'll churn these out at the rate
of one a week, perhaps more (ha!). With more luck, I won't suck :).

INTRODUCTION TO THE RUMBLE

In November of 1995, even Vince McMahon was unable to ignore the
brutally obvious fact that Diesel as Champion was a non-starter; in
fact, I believe history has recorded him as the worst drawing WWF
champion of all time. To staunch the bleeding from his bottom line,
Vince McMahon went back to old reliable, Bret Hart, and put the WWF
title on him at Survivor Series 1995; however, plans were already in
the works at this point to place the title on Shawn Michaels at
Wrestlemania, which many fans had already guessed. Thus the resulting
Hart title run from November to the following March was, in the eyes of
both the WWF and fans, something of a lame duck run, a perception
emphasized by the booking of that title run as it unfolded. Meanwhile,
Diesel and Razor Ramon were both in the process of leaving the WWF for
the greener financial pastures of WCW, as was the 1-2-3 Kid eventually,
and the WWF was scrambling to replace them with new acquisitions
Goldust, Ahmed Johnson, Steve Austin, and Vader, and later Mick Foley
and Marc Mero as a "New(er) Generation" of sorts. Some of those guys
ended up working out...some didn't. So here we go....

Free For All

Duke Droese beats HHH on a Gorilla Monsoon (figurehead president)
reversed decision, to win the #30 spot in the Rumble.

Promo video to start, focusing on Bret Hart and his challenger at this
show, the Undertaker. Also noted is the Razor/Goldust feud, and the
rumble itself.

"Live" from Fresno, California, with Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect as
your hosts. Boy does that seem odd these days.

Opening Match: Jeff Jarrett vs. Ahmed Johnson

Jarrett was recently returned from contract limbo at this point, I
believe, while Ahmed was getting a big-time push based on his look and
ability. And no, I'm not kidding. Had it not been for his propensity to
both cause and sustain injuries, he could have been Goldberg; he had
that sort of physical charisma and palpable intensity. Jarrett was in
shiny happy neon rhinestone cowboy territory at this point, by the way,
with the blinking lights on the jacket and cowboy hat he used as
warm-ups, quickly working his way onto (ominous music) HONKY'S
ASS-WHIPPING LIST! I'm sure somewhere in Tennessee right now, in
between groveling phone calls to Jim Ross ("Ah swayre, Viiince Russo
mahde me do thaht skeeit!") Jarrett is having a good laugh over that
one. That said, I'm SHOCKED this act never got over like it did for
HTM; goodness knows what people were thinking to miss out on such a
highly nuanced characterization as this, from such a unique and
compelling performer as Jarrett. Phillistines.

Ahmed chases Jarrett around the ring to start, and Jarrett nails him as
he reenters, allowing Jarrett some knees in the corner to control.
Ahmed blocks a hip toss and hits one of his own. Jarrett gets a side
headlock and exclaims "I'm gonna give him a wrestling lesson". I
*guess* that's psychology, of a sort. Ahmed promptly picks him up and
throws him forward, and dominates with power stuff (short arm
clothesline, shoulderblocks, powerslam) for a two count. He nails that
leaping forearm lariat Rock uses these days, then does this creepy
tongue wagging pose. Charisma he had, in bunches. Perfect annoys me on
commentary he exclaiming how this was Ahmed's first big event,
instantly reminding me he had wrestled at Survivor Series '95. Perfect
was not much of a commentator, that's for sure; most of the time he
seemed either lost, or more interested in getting himself over than the
match. Ahmed finally misses a dive over the top and gives JJ some
offense on the outside, with clotheslines and whips into the steps and
ring. Back inside, and JJ chokes his opponent on the ropes, including
the Steve Austin running butt splash on the ropes thing, which I don't
have a good name for (can you tell? Email me if you've got an idea what
to call it). He hits three axe handles from the ropes as Ahmed
no-sells, dancing in a Tatanka-like manner, but gets caught on the
fourth in a bearhug into an inverted atomic drop. Ahmed kills him with
a lariat and a spinebuster while grunting, driving JJ to the outside.
Ahmed then hits THE UGLIEST TOPE CON HILO EVER, falling on his FUCKING
HEAD and crashing and burning into the guardrail. +10 for effort, -1
million for near homo/suicide. MAN was that ugly. Ahmed of course just
gets up as if nothing happened. He rolls JJ in and goes up top, but
misses a somersault senton (what'd he eat for breakfast?), which he
decides to sell with a knee injury. JJ gets the figure-four, but Ahmed
reverses to escape. JJ stays on the knee with elbow drops to the leg,
but as he goes for the figure-four Ahmed kicks him out of the ring with
a boot to the ass. JJ gets desperate and nails the el kabong from the
top rope for the deeply lame PPV DQ at 6:38. Ahmed chases JJ from the
ring to the back. Well. Lucha Ahmed was cool, and the power vs. skill
psychology was there, but it was short and had an awful finish. **, but
a fun couple of snowflakes.

Diesel interview. He had reverted to cool tweener status at this
point, though he has little to say beyond that he doesn't have any
personal problem with the Undertaker, just with him being #1 contender
to Bret's title.

Match #2: Bodydonnas (w/Sunny) vs. Smoking Gunns

Warning: this review (and the rest of the series) is 100% crack whore
joke free. Go somewhere else if that gives you the chuckles. The Gunns
are the champs here and this is for the tag titles, and if anyone
doesn't know, the Bodydonnas were Tom Prichard and Chris Candido.
Perfect spends much of this match making vaguely obscene comments about
Sunny, while Billy, for the record, is probably 30 pounds lighter here
than he is today. Yeah. Headlocks and shoulderblocks to start, with
lucha Tom Prichard busting out the flying headscissors. I didn't even
know he knew that moves existed back in '96, which is what I get, I
guess, for never following Smokey Mountain. Billy catches him with a
backdrop but blows a crossbody and falls to the floor. The 'donnas dump
Bart and then put the double beats on Ass Man as he reenters, with
hiplocks and elbows. They try to slingshot Bart in as well, but he
reverses and sends them both out to the floor himself. Bart then pulls
the top rope down, allowing Billy Gunn to hit a plancha (!!!!) over the
top onto the Bodydonnas below. The Gunns celebrate back inside. Things
settle into a standard tag match, as the Gunns pound on Candido with
basic punching. Bart no sells some Pritchard chops, and mauls him with
a press slam and such. The 'donnas try the old switcheroo, but it goes
nowhere really, and the Gunns connect with a Hart Attack. Sunny gets
knocked off the apron by Billy on a whip though, distracting The King
Of Jakked and kicking off THAT godawful plotline. Skip and Zip jump him
of course, and use their high-tech-for-1996 offense to get some
traction. Pritchard holds the New Age Cowboy for a Candido plancha, and
back inside Candido gourdbusters Pritchard onto Billy. The 'donnas then
run through their more basic tag offense, mostly kicky-punchy-slammy,
for a succession of 2 counts. This is formula tag all the way folks,
Rock-And-Rolls vs. (New?) Midnights. The guy Road Dogg carried finally
makes the hot tag, thankfully hastening the end of this match, and
lefty clears the ring with, guess what, lefts. Various ludicrous
hijinkery follows with double team offense (whipping two men into each
other forces one to backdrop the other? WHAT?) until Kawada bait and
HHH's valet hit the sidewinder (sideslam/leg drop combo), with The Uno
coming off the top. Sunny distracts the ref of course, and Candido hits
a diving ax handle for a 2 count only. Sunny pouts. Double backdrop by
the 'donnas and they go for a double suplex, but Chyna's ex-boyfriend
hits an iffy spear on a 'donna to give Bart an inside cradle for three
at 13:11, which apparently was an homage of sorts to a famous Midnights
tag finish. BLEEECH. Not a good formula tag, as no one really seemed to
be trying, or were just so hideously untalented it's hard to detect the
difference. Five years later: Sunny has personal issues, Candido has
been thrown out of every federation in North America and is now a
jobber for New Japan on an occasional basis, Tom Prichard is an office
worker, Bart Gunn still sucks, but used his Brawl-For-All fame to
secure a spot getting the shit kicked out of him by superior workers in
All Japan, and Billy Gunn is known primarily for the people he hung
around with and the bad gimmicks he accumulated. What an absolute batch
of nothing this match was, though an interesting piece of perspective.
*.

Billionaire Ted skit. Vince McMahon is an insecure fuckwad, I'd just
like to say, and a mean spirited old codger. Dick.

Goldust/Razor recap video. Razor is sexy, mang, and Goldust wants him.
It's really that simple, and I dig Scott Keith's analysis of this as
the first true "shades of gray" plotline; was Goldust wrong for being
gay, or for forcing himself on the unreceptive Ramon? Or was he just
messing with Ramon to throw him off? For some of the WWF fan base, that
amounted to deep thinking.

Coliseum video interview with a glassy eyed Ramon, who appears to have
mastered the ability to cut a passable promo even while his brain is
telling him he's actually Captain Neptune, intergalactic space hero
from the outer rings of planet Koolooqwu.

Match The Third: Goldust (w/Marlena) vs. Razor Ramon

This is for the IC title, and Ramon is champ going in. Terrie, by the
way, looks like a different person these days, more specifically one
who's had a lot of work done since this match; apparently this was the
first use of both Marlena (brought in for both prior experience in the
business and for being Dustin's wife) and the unique letterboxed
entrance for Goldie. For the record, I hate Goldust, the character and
the wrestler. Goldie gyrates on the mat to start and feels himself up.
I turn the tape off at this point, and watch some of Starrcade '95
until my brain recovers from the sight of that...Liger vs.
Benoit...yes.... OK, I'm back. Ramon completes the ceremonial toothpick
tossing (I'm told it's similar to the sumo practice of tossing salt
before a match to exorcise evil spirits), but sadly it fails to
exorcise the Dusty spawn and the match must go on. Hall breaks out the
great "ooh, I'm so scccaaarrrreeddd" finger waggle, reminding me that
Razor kicked ass back in the day. This Goldust faux stereotypically gay
preening is *really* frightening, because to put it nicely, he's
inherited all of his father's attributes in physical areas (though
sadly none of his charisma). Razor wrenches jr. down to the mat to
start, doing the "I'm a manly man" bit to establish that HE'S NO HOMO.
Yeah. Or maybe there's some whole dominance/submission story going on
here that I'm missing. Who can say? He gets the arm bar and the
slapping on the back of the head, the usual Scott Hall trademarks. Side
headlock leads to a standoff and more self-groping from Dusty's kid.
That just never gets pleasant. Goldust gets the waistlock and feels up
Ramon, causing him to freak out pretty good. Hey, if a 260-pound
redneck was groping me, I'd freak too, wrestling match or no wrestling
match.

Three minutes in and this is closer to sexual assault than it is to
actual wrestling, as nothing is going on other than Dustin doing his
character. They break a collar-and-elbow tie up in the ropes, and jr.
fondles Ramon again. I get it already, he's a sexual predator. MOVE ON.
Ramon throws him out of the corner. More self-fondling from GD. NOTHING
is happening here. Ramon goes after the arm again but jr. reverses the
hammerlock and slaps Ramon. Razor gets a drop toehold and more
headslaps, then a slap to the face. Then he spanks Goldust, who sells
it and fondles his own ass. This is just horrible stuff, four minutes
of goofy humiliation "offense" and a lot of Dustin stroking himself.
Razor finally just punches him, sending him to the outside to...wait
for it...stall again. Yip-frickin'-ee. Goldust hides behind Marlena on
the outside, and NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Back inside finally and they
partially screw up a headlock/headscissors reversal spot, but manage to
force their way through it before Ramon punches Goldust again,
triggering THE SAME STALLING I JUST WROTE ABOUT. This is really utter
atrociousness. Don't watch this if you get the tape. GD blows Ramon a
kiss. Great. More self-grasping, and Razor dumps him outside with a
lariat for more stalling. Finally Marlena provides the distraction for
Dust to get some of his ridiculously generic offense rolling. Irish
whips! Bulldog! ENTHRALLING. Hey lookee, a back suplex for 2. An actual
wrestling move, how 'bout that. Swinging neckbreaker for 2. Sleeper.
Because what this match needed was to SLOW DOWN MORE. Good show,
Dustin. TWIT! Razor kicks Goldust in the nuts to break the hold, and I
don't even know how to read that into the sexual politics of this
match. Razor makes a punching comeback, hits a chokeslam for 2, the
Scott Hallaway slam (blockbuster suplex) for 2, and Goldie gets the
thumb to the eye. Razor catches him going to the top though and hits a
backdrop superplex, but Marlena distracts the ref. 1-2-3 Kid runs out
of the crowd and spin kicks Ramon off the top, giving Goldust the pin
and the title at 14:17. Yes, I know, my bitching is repetitive, but
this was offensively bad, and one of the worst matches you'll run
across. -*, and I don't give negative stars easy.

The big plotline here was Shawn Michaels' "recovery" from "injuries"
sustained "at the hands of Owen Hart and the Owenzuigiri". In reality
he had another boo boo from getting the shit kicked out of him by a
couple of guys in a bar in upstate New York, the kind of injury which
always seemed to crop up whenever it was time to lose a title (in this
case the IC strap to Dean Douglas). In fairness to him he probably was
legitimately injured by that encounter, though perhaps not so much as
he let on. This was also the WWF debut for Vader, who had left WCW
after a fight with Paul Orndorf, which he rather famously lost. Diesel
was also entered, seeking another shot at the title he had lost to Bret
Hart at Survivor Series. Vince tells us we're using 2 minute intervals
this year; we'll see about that. Starting off is HHH (having lost a
qualifier to Duke Droese of gimmick battle royal non-fame on the first
ever free-for-all) and Henry Godwinn. Jesus. 1996 really is like
bizarro-world from the perspective of today, a land where HHH is a
curtain-jerker and a hog farmer is considered a darn good starter
gimmick in the WWF. Here we go:

Hunter controls with eyepokery and some listless brawling, but HOG
reverses quickly and bumps HHH around a bit, while yelling "sooey" at
some random interval. Jesus. Baaaack body drop (trademark Vince-ism).
HHH does a variation of the Flair flip, gets caught, but eyepokes his
way out of a press slam. Choking. Ech. #3 is Bob Backlund, well into
his demented old man gimmick and not far from his second exit from the
WWF. He goes after HOG, then HHH, because as Vince never neglects to
tell us, "it's every man for himself tonight LIIIIVE at the Royal
Rumble!" This was why people used to hate him as a commentator. Of note
as well about our announce crew: Perfect is absolutely shameless here
about putting himself over CONSTANTLY on commentary, which gets highly
annoying after a while. HHH breaks up HOG's attempt to dump Backlund,
causing me to ask the inevitable "why?" This one already has
degenerated into the worst of Rumble clich=E9s, as two guys sidle up to
the ropes and grope each other in a supposed attempt to throw each
other out, while doing a great deal of nothing for the most part. It's
not exactly an enthralling thing to watch. #4 is the King, drawing good
heat. The heels jump HOG and try to slop him with his own slop bucket
(ok, so not all of 1996 was good...) but it is inevitably reversed,
leading to the king getting slopped. Yipeee. Vince: "I'm not too sure
what we're at!"

Bob "Sparkplug" Holly is #5, as the parade of dead gimmicks continues.
More listless brawling/man-groping in the ropes. HHH nearly evicts HOG,
but no dice. I really have nothing to write here. At all. #6 is King
Mabel, and I would weep about the utter dearth of talent in the ring,
if I didn't know that there was even worse to come. We're actually
keeping to the 2:00 intervals so far. It should be noted that not a
single person in the ring is still with the WWF under the same gimmick,
and only 2 of 6 remain at all. Absolutely nothing is going on. #7 is
Jake Roberts, during the period in which being fat, old, washed up and
a substance abuser was actually his gimmick, more or less. He brings
the first actual interest value to this match, as he clears the ring
with his snake (NOT the Heroes of Wrestling sort of "he clears the ring
with his snake", thank god) and then attacks Jerry Lawler with it.
Sadly, that's all that happens, as this is still all listless brawling;
Jerry Lawler does take this opportunity to disappear, though....

#8 is Dory Funk jr. as the legends entry. This. Match. Sucks. There's
legitimately not a single good wrestler in the ring, currently, and no
one is doing anything other that punches and groping. Our announcers
note that the King has snuck under the ring to hide; I figured he was
just doing a good deed though, chasing away a rat under the ring. He's
good for that. #9 is Yokozuna. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but at
this point Yoko was giving an ample showing of what eventually killed
him, and I believe we have now reached the point of negative workrate
in the ring. Which is promptly exacerbated by Yoko's dumping of
Backlund, one of the few energetic people in this match. Yeargh. Bob
Holly actually busts out the never before seen Hollycanrana on HOG, so
at least somebody was trying here; let it be noted though, for whatever
it means, that both HHH and he have added at least 30 lbs. of muscle in
the last five years. #10 is the 1-2-3 Kid, who is chased around by
Razor Ramon to put over that feud. Paired off in the ring now is the
bizarre duo of Dory Funk and X-Pac; wrap your mind around that one. #11
is Takeo Ohmori from All Japan. I have no idea why. He is, however, the
best wrestler in this match, so that's all good. Most notable thing
going on is 1-2-3 Kid bumping around for old Dory; bless that little
weed abuser's heart.

#12 is TNT/Hombre Dinemita/Kwang/Savio Vega. He hits a nice leg lariat
on Mabel, who is then eliminated by big Yokes. Takeo Ohmori is gone
too, eliminated by Jake on one of those "we both go over but I grab the
ropes to save myself" spots. #13 brings me sweet relief, as Vader
finally shows; for the record, I love Vader. The first signs of Yoko's
impending face turn are present here, by the way, as Cornette
accompanies Vader to ringside instead of him. Savio Vega eliminates
Dory Funk, then gets worked over by Vader. #14 is Doug Gilbert from the
USWA. Jake pops the crowd big time by finally hitting the DDT (after
several loud crowd chants) on Savio, but gets dumped by Vader off a
lariat from the middle of the ring. Yeah, THAT was realistic. Vader is
basically mauling everyone here, and Doug Gilbert and the uno-dos-tres
nino are bumping big time for him. #15 is a big fat guy I've never seen
again who Vince calls "one of the swat team members". I think he was
one of the Puerto Rican Headhunters, but I'm guessing there. He's part
of an identical fat twin brothers tag team, and his partner is
upcoming. Yeah. Vader continues to demolish Gilbert, concluding by
press slamming him over the top to the floor. He then eliminates the
round Headhunter guy. Vader's the man. Vader and Yokes go at it, as #16
is...

The other fat Headhunter guy. Great. Of all the worldwide talent
available in 1996, THESE guys are the ones Vince chooses to bring in.
And no, Ohmori does NOT make up for them. Makes me wish for the days of
Gen'ichiero Tenryu at Wrestlemania. Both fatties charge the ring, but
Yoko and Vader clubberize them and eliminate them in short order. Good
show. #17 is Owen Hart, single handedly doubling the talent level in
this match. Sadly, the format of the Rumble is such that even a
talented performer like Owen is forced into you-hit-me, I-hit-you,
then-we-lean-on-the-ropes strictures. #18 is HBK, as McMahon splooges
on his monitor. Vader dumps Savio, as Michaels tries by sheer force of
will to elevate this suckfest by flying around like a man possessed.
Vader and Yoko go at it hard, prefiguring their feud; but as they lean
on the ropes, HBK sneaks up and dumps them both and then press slams
the Kid after them. THAT was a cool spot. #19 is Hakushi (Jinsei
Shinzaki), as the two recently eliminated fat guys take exception to
each other on the outside. Vader wins that tussle, and returns to the
ring to get his heat back by pummeling HBK, press slamming him over the
top, then beating up everyone else in the ring and throwing them out.
None of the eliminations count, due to Vader not being legal.

#20 is Tatanka, just waiting to be fired, as Michaels throws Jim
Cornette from the ring. Hakushi hits the handspring elbow on Owen Hart
in the corner, as everyone else engages in some good brawling for a
bit. Vince declares that HHH has been in for over 40 minutes, while a
quick time check reveals he's actually a bit short of 38. #21 is Aldo
Montoya, as Owen eliminates Hakushi. I think all the Aldo jokes that
can possibly be made have been, so I'll leave the poor guy alone. Mr.
Perfect does say "he's got his jock on the wrong part of his body" as
Aldo runs to the ring, though. Michaels, on the outside, takes this
opportunity to extract the King from his endeavors beneath the ring.
Both the King and Aldo are eliminated (by HBK and Tatanka), as Diesel
appears as #22. He hits the ring as quickly as Nash will, and swiftly
eliminates Tatanka. Diesel and Michaels go at it despite being friends
at the time, and then things settle back into standard brawling. #23 is
Papa Shango, err, The Godfather, err, The Goodfather, ehh, Kama,
actually. Sadly, he sucks in all his incarnations. Nothing's happening
again. #24 is some guy called the Ringmaster, with no crowd heat. At
all. What a difference a year will make in his case....

He eliminates Bob Holly with a knee to the back, and #25 is Barry
Horowitz, with "Hava Nageilah" as his theme music, I shit you not.
After a minute, Diesel eliminates HHH. Note that each clique member is
eliminated by another. #26 is "makin' a difference" Fatu, a wrestlecrap
special for sure. I actually miss Rikishi these days, though. More
random brawling. #27 is Issac Yankem, with about half the muscle mass
as today. Yeah. Owen Hart eliminates Barry Horowitz, but is eliminated
himself by Michaels. #28 is Marty Jannetty, who juxtaposed with
Michaels is a living argument for the evils of excessive drug abuse.
Diesel and the Ringmaster continue to go after each other, as Michaels
and Jannetty brawl heatedly as a wink to the old timers. #29 is the
British Bulldog, hot off challenging Bret Hart for the WWF title at the
previous month's In Your House. Much quasi-intensical
brawlificationalism. Jannetty gets dumped by the Bulldog off a standing
backdrop, and Fatu goes off a Yankem lariat. #30 is Duke Droese, and,
hey, I doubt anyone cared back then either. The people left in the
ring are Droese, Diesel, HBK, Yankem, Bulldog, and Kama. Yankem goes
quickly off a Michaels dropkick, Kama and Diesel dump Droese, and we're
sprinting towards the finish. Bulldog exits swiftly off a duck
under/lariat combo from Michaels, Kama gets piefaced over by Diesel,
but as Diesel turns around he's stuck hard and dropped over the top by
Michaels with the superkick for the win, his second in a row, at 58:39.
Whee. Bad Rumble all around, really: no surprises, no real flow or
interesting stories being told, and a lot or mindless pseudo-brawling.
Not painful or anything, just bad as these things go. The right guy
went over though, with a good finish, and it picked up late once the
fat guy quotient went down. That counts for something. **. Michaels and
Diesel reconcile after the match, after Diesel finishes punking the
Bulldog. We also get the set up for another big feud, and a segue way
into the next match, as Diesel and Taker have a run in at the entrance
way and come to blows.

Match #5: The Undertaker vs. Bret Hart

This is for the WWF title, their first PPV meeting, and it's NOT one of
the better matches between them. UT still has the stupid facemask here,
left over from Mable sitting on his head a while back, which may or may
not have been a legitimate cover for a legitimate injury. Yo no se;
pregunte el Rick. Bret plays duck and dodge to start, avoiding the
larger and stronger Undertaker. Nice psychology there, of the basic
variety. He tries to get things going with punchy-kicky, but it has
predictably little effect, and UT mauls him in the corner with right
hands and choking. Interesting thing: the exact point at which UT
stopped sucking, I believe, was when he eliminated the choke as a
regular part of his offense. I'm not sure why that is, but it seems to
hold up. UT slowly works Bret over, and hits a sharp whip in the corner
and a two handed choke lift. He continues with a slow pounding, mostly
with right hands, from one corner to the next, and Bret takes his
trademark crumple bump in the corner. UT actually breaks out the
stupidest move in the history of wrestling, the one handed smother.
That one's really inexcusable, because even on it's own terms it's just
bad. Much like this match; four minutes in and we've already hit the
rest holds. UT gets a series of 2 counts off the...smother...then
returns to general pounding, including the ropewalk. Yay! The smother
returns. How is that even supposed to work!? "Oh no, large powerful
man, you have grasped my face, and therefore your hand has rendered it
completely impossible for me to breathe at all!" And shouldn't that be
an illegal choke of sorts, then? And shouldn't Bret actually sell it as
more than an annoyance? And how in the name of several deities does
someone actually get a 2 count off it? Boggled, I am. I mean really,
this thing is at an Iron Claw-like level of ludicrous.

Bret finally gets his feet up on a charge in the corner, then hits a
second rope lariat and a running lariat to dump UT to the outside. He
follows with a pescado, but a dive off the apron goes wrong allowing UT
to ram his back into the post. Taker gets some more slow offense out
side before Bret escapes an attempted battering ram into the post,
driving UT into it instead. As he tries to follow up however, UT
catches him with a boot, and gets back on offense with right hands and
face smashes into the guardrail. Bret, however, reverses a whip (on a
spot called by Undertaker, oddly) and drives UT into the steps
knee-first. Bret does the predictable but psychologically correct thing
(to counter the larger man's size and strength advantage) by going to
the knee with kicks and smashes into the stairs. He pummels UT around a
bit and takes it back inside for more of the same, punctuated with
rollover hamstring snaps and butt drops to the knee propped on the
bottom rope. He drives an elbow into the knee and settles into a leg
grapevine, then drives a few knee drops into UT's injured leg. After a
bit more leg work, he goes for the inevitable figure-four and gets it,
but UT reverses (natch) and the hold is broken. Bret stays on top
however, focusing mostly on the leg with kicks and a knee wrench in the
corner around the middle rope, and finally back to the grapevine. This
goes on for a while, until Bret counters some punches on the ground
with a choke, playing subtle heel. Back vertical, Bret goes to the knee
again and takes UT down, hits an elbow smash to the knee, then a leg
wrench. This one started REALLY slow, and now that it's got going it's
absolutely correct from a psychology and execution standpoint, but
boring as hell. Elbow drop to the knee. Grapevine. UT breaks with kicks
to the head, and hurls Bret from the ring. On the outside it's head to
the stairs, choke with electrical cord (now they're both playing
heel?), whipage to the rails and over various debris, and finally back
in. UT's half selling the leg injury, as he's limping a bit, but not
really doing anything different in the ring; consequently it's not
really a down point, just a lost opportunity to actually tell a story
based on Hart's offense affecting UT's ability to do what he wants to
during the match. Whip side to side, but Hart ducks the big boot and
steps to the side, kicking again at the damaged limb, drawing boos in
the process. He stays on it with a variety of offense, including an
ankle pick to set up a slam of the leg into the ring post. Hey guess
what? Back in the ring...MORE LEG WORK!!! Another grapevine, another
few minutes of the match disappearing for no discernable purpose.

They finally break and a vertical brawl puts Bret down and gives UT a
legdrop (after all that leg work? What!?) and a lariat off a whip. He
goes for the tombstone (remember the good old days?) but Bret scrambles
off his shoulder, landing on the apron. UT knocks him off there with a
right hand, but when he tries it a second time Hart guillotines him. UT
puts his head down early on a whip and Bret gets a DDT (was Jake
watching?) for the double knockout spot and the obligatory zombie sit
up from the PG-13 Lord of Darkness. Bret kicks the knee however and
hits the side Russian legsweep (1) triggering another no sale spot.
Bulldog hits (2) and Fangoria pin-up man does his bit
again. Side backbreaker (3) and second rope elbow (4) both connect, and
Bret gives the thumbs down for Taker before going for the sharpshooter
(5). UT blocks with a choke however (nice spot; one man's signature
move allows him to counter the other's in a way most wrestlers
couldn't. Puts over the unique flavor of this match up.) and hits a
knee to the gut. He misses a lariat on the whip however, and then both
men connect for the double knockout. Bret gets up first and loosens a
turnbuckle pad, and after a scrum on the mat he manages to remove the
Undertaker's "protective facemask". Taker goes ape-s and chases him
about the ring, with Bret ducking and dodging, and finally hitting a
back elbow, giving him the opening to drive UT's head into the exposed
bolt in the corner. He continues the beating with a headbutt and
punches, but a bodypress goes wrong, allowing UT to position him for
the tombstone. It hits and UT has Bret beat, but Diesel pulls Earl
Hebner out of the ring before he can count to screw the Taker and
preserve his own claim as the #1 contender. The bell rings at 28:27,
giving UT a DQ win. LAAAAME. Bad booking as well, making the champion
look weak and illegitimate. From the way in which Howard Finkle reads
off the results afterward (UT wins...but Bret retains!) it's obvious
they just wanted to get out of the match with both guys keeping their
heat; instead, they made both look bad. The match itself was one of
those technically decent but horribly boring affairs, which you really
don't need to see ever; there are enough bad Undertaker matches turning
up these days anyway (though, for the record, I enjoy his current work
quite a bit and have thought several of his recent matches have been
good, most notable vs. Austin at Judgment Day). It had the proper and
logical psychology to it and good execution of what was there, but the
restholds were brutal and the psychology never really developed into a
true story as it might have without UT's iffy selling; also, Bret
seemed quite unmotivated here, for obvious reasons. If you want a good
UT/Bret match, pick up either SummerSlam '97, or better still One Night
Only, which has a truly superior encounter between the two; this here
gets only **. Postmatch, Diesel flips off the Taker, Bret scrapes
himself off the mat, and we get a...

Highlights package

Closing Thoughts

A functional show only, that got where it had to be in terms of
storyline advancement in preparation for Wrestlemania, but did precious
little else along the way; at this point everything was stuck in
neutral until Vince could get the belt onto Shawn Michaels, and figure
out what he was going to do to replace Diesel and Razor. There's really
nothing standout about this show at all, so unless you really like the
whole Rumble concept this isn't an especially necessary show to see.
It's a 5/10 or so. Oddly enough, it drew the second highest buyrate for
the Fed this year, trailing only Wrestlemania; I suppose the first ever
PPV meeting of Bret and the Undertaker would explain that.