AP Declares Clinton Victory in California

WASHINGTON (AP) – Hillary Clinton secured a historic, landslide win in the California primary today. As of 9:35am EST (6:35 am PST) an Associated Press count declared her to be the winner in the state, contrary to polls placing her neck and neck with rival Bernie Sanders.

With 0% of precincts reporting and 14 hours before they close, Clinton has secured the majority of votes within the state. In finding these results, the AP’s top counters intercepted thousands of early voter and absentee ballots, nearly all of which were in support of Hillary.

“It’s almost embarrassing, Bernie Sanders had maybe 4 votes total” remarked one counter. While our counters are unable to confirm the identity of these Sanders supporters, it is believed that they are Dick Van Dyke, Susan Sarandon, Danny DeVito and James Adomian.

With this landslide win under her belt, the Associated Press is proud to be the first media outlet to declare Hillary Clinton the be the presumptive winner of the 2016 election and our nation’s next president. We look forward to receiving our Pulitzer.