Recalibration.

I came here to write that I’m okay, that in fact I’m doing great. That I’ve healed and that I’m actually happy.

But fuck is that a lie. I only realize that when I actually think about, and face the reality of what I’ve went through. I log in and scan the titles and beginnings of each blog entry. And it just hits me.

It’s been that way; whenever I’m feeling happy I stop for a minute just to imagine myself pregnant. I try to count how many weeks along I would have been now. I wonder then, how differently my life would be.

I hate myself for thinking that it’s better this way. Having no attachments to my ex. The one who wanted no part. The one who left for Vegas on the worst day of my life, the day it happened. The one I haven’t spoken to for three months now.

I still think of him though. More than I’d like to. I wonder if he would have ever changed his mind. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he’s moved on. And I question if I’m truly better off without him.

I had a dream the other night. Maybe some would call it a nightmare. I had given in, I had contacted him and we got back together almost immediately and I was happy. My friends and family were worried, and reluctant to believe it was good for me. I was trying to reassure them that it was better this way.

Waking up from that dream was confusing. Why would my subconscious be trying to tell me that? Or what was the meaning behind it? I didn’t act on it. No, I know better. And I have plenty of proof to back it.

But honestly. I have been doing better. Not in the sense that my life is amazing and perfect and exactly how I wanted or imagined it to be. No…

But I’ve been eating healthy, I’ve been taking care of myself, I’ve been helping my family, I’ve been spending quality time with my daughter, and all those things make me happy. They make me feel good. Long term, not just in the moment. And that’s what makes the difference.

I feel like I’m recalibrating myself. I don’t know exactly where I’m headed after summer. But I’m trying to focus on the present and doing all that I can now to make sure I go in the right direction from here.

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