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Sunday, May 24, 2015

Living Nightmare

What do you do when every day is a nightmare?
You make it through one day, chanting the mantra,
"this too shall pass",
"tomorrow is another day",
"just please get through this day",
"tomorrow will be better"

You are pushed and pushed everyday until bending is no longer an option and you break.
Gut wrenching, hair pulling out, ugly cry with some screaming everyday.

Every day chips off one more piece of yourself, your soul, your heart.

Every day I am hit, kicked, bit, scratched, hair pulled. Sometimes knives are involved, I've almost been stabbed 3 times because he simply doesn't understand that knives are dangerous. No matter how high we put them or how we lock them up, he finds ways.

You try to restrain, keep calm, teach, soothe, try to make someone understand. Try to teach him that running away isn't good, that hitting is bad, that the roads are dangerous, boiling water is too hot, knives and scissors are sharp. Each day it seems to get worse. Each outburst is longer, each physical attack is more violent, things set him off more easily.

After its over, you sit, you scream, you cry.....why me? What have I done? This is not fair. Why is this happening? What can I do to stop this? Doesn't he see what he is doing to me? Doesn't he know this behavior isn't good for him or me? Why is he so angry? Why does he have to destroy everything?

Then you start to get scared....of your own child. When I tell him no, will he come after me? Come after his sister? When he wants to do something that is dangerous and I have to step in, will be physically attack me? What will be destroy in the house before I can reign him in?

Why can't he see reason?
Why can't he see he is destroying me?
Why can't he see he is destroying the house?

Everyday I try.
Everyday I start off fresh.
Everyday I put a smile on my face and try to face the world.
Everyday I lie to people about how I am.
Everyday I hide what is happening.
Everyday I think about not being able to handle it anymore and thinking...I can't do this, this isn't life, I don't want this anymore.

I try to still carry on like normal.
Try to take him out, try to have fun. It ends in disaster.

Everyday I cry for my child.
Everyday my heart re-breaks for my child.
Everyday I try to be stronger than I am for my child.
Everyday I pray for him to find peace that isn't coming.

We are trying to get a behavioral case manager. I am considering meds. Appointments have been made.

How can someone so sweet and loving turn so violent and angry in the blink of an eye?
How can I help him?
How can I help myself?

I am but a mere fragment of what I once was.
Yet I carry on, I take care of both my kids, I go to work, I cook, I clean, I do the yard work, the washing, the folding, I carry the burden of stress of what is happening with me every where.
Most days are a marathon of my life. Just get to Point B from Point A. Treading water, clinging to some hope that I wont get too tired and drown.

It is no way to live.
And I don't have answers and the magic fix button.

This is my life...
My everyday. My nightmare.

This has no happy ending. There is no light at the end of the tunnel right now.
My hope is that one day there will be.
That these appointments and specialist can help.
That he finds joy and peace.
That he can be a normal boy.