Friday, March 28, 2008

when i was younger (mid 20's), i wrote a weekly very Sex in the City-esque column for the Valley's answer to the Austin Chronicle. it was called The Many Vices of Sydney...(i was sydney). i went on and on about everything that was important to me at the time, going out, hanging out, barring, local music, smoking, drinking.....

i hadn't thought about that in YEARS, but what brought it all back into the front of my brain are all my new vices. my good pal, Bonnie, talks very freely and unapologetically of her collection of vices/addictions....f.i. her coffee (i have no idea WHAT she drinks, but am aware that, no, coffee from 7-11 just won't do, thank you very much.

i'm a borderline cigarette smoking addict...i can go for loooong periods of time (months, years)without smoking, but when i start, i can't stop at one. i'll smoke all day & all night. i LOVE it!

what sucks is when they get in the way of eachother...can't finish posting pics cuz i'm playing a game on facebook, but wait...don't want to miss anything on twitter...can someone hand me a mexi bowl and a water (in a plastic bottle)?

Thursday, March 27, 2008

yesterday, my body, for some freakish reason, responded to Daryl's alarm...at 6am! there was no way back, so i pulled myself from my warm bed towards the kitchen where i would be soothed by a warm cuppa chai.

denied. no soymilk!

how the fuck did that happen? Daryl had stopped off at the store the night before to gather some last min items for the shrimp dip i took to Allison's blessingway. didn't even THINK of adding soymilk to the list. i've been very narrow-sighted these days.

Daryl found me wrapped up in a quilt, sitting in the middle of the sofa...sobbing. why? why can't i just have chai? it's a cruel world out there. i do NOT like Starbuck's or any other chai but my own, but it requires vanilla soymilk (with added fiber), a special chai concentrate and a microwave. I'm classy like that. for some reason i've been avoiding the grocery store. hard to get soymilk that way. there was no chai in sight for me. *whimper*

my husband cuddled me. tried to comfort me all the while (i'm sure) thinking 'how do i get out of here alive, without going to the store and soon...i have to go to work' what he told me was, 'don't worry, i'll be right back with some soymilk...i need creamer for the office anway'. this was said when we both knew that he'd hit rush hour traffic. was it an empty offer? well, we'll never know as i responded with a 'really? *sniff* really? *sniff, sniff*'.

he acquired said soymilk (happily), saved my day, and will forever be a hero in my eyes.

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another note about chai. i guess this can go for coffee lovers as well. i'll be busy typing away, enjoying an occasional sip of the nectar of the gods, and then i'll reach for the cup, and it feels way too light. horror! the cup is empty and i didn't relish the last drop...i didn't even notice it.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

the sun is shining...right through my new playdate-made suncatcher. Mia's in a fab mood. i'm almost done with laundry (are we ever really done?). i'm going out tonight to a dear prego friends' blessingway celebration. i spent the morning with an awesome group of mamas and their fabulous offspring. my husband is coming home early to get in some quality time before i take off. i found a yummy new recipe....that's always wonderful. I have bunches and bunches of amazingly loving friends. i've got my fav jeans on and my hair looks good!

Monday, March 24, 2008

1. I'm afraid of milk. The expiration date seems so fragile. What if the delivery truck got to hot? I started drinking soymilk years ago bc it's exp date is like 3 months after date of purchase...now that's something I can handle....and no, I can't just sniff regular milk to see if it's ok. Once opened and used, the milk around the rim stinks like rotten milk anyway! 2. I can eat something that's been left out all night. I know, I know. Disgusting, and it goes against the premise behind my milk phobia.

3. I deal with anxiety almost on a minute to minute basis. When I'm driving, I can see us in a wreck and mutilated. When Mia's climbing on a playscape, I picture her falling and breaking her back or neck...super morbid, but I'm constantly battling it.

4. I LOVE jumping out and scaring Daryl, Mia or anyone I feel super comfy around and the ideal moment presents itself. The look of terror on their faces is priceless. Don't worry, Mia thinks it's hilarious!

5. My sex drive either equals or is higher than my husbands :) I've got PCOS which gives me a large dose of androgens including testosterone. Hence, the high sex drive.

6. I LOVE to pick my nose. It feels great! What do I do with my boogers? Well, if I don't have a tissue handy, I stick 'em in my pocket! I never EAT them!

7. I play with Barbies. I've always loved brushing their hair and getting them all dressed up. I play with them while Mia naps. I'm sooooo not into sharing :)

I'm suposed to include a self portrait. I just took this outside (better light). I kinda dig it.

a little while ago, a dear friend asked how i was doing. i replied, 'i've cleaned my whole kitchen and finished 4 loads of laundry'. then we mentioned how great denial is. i'm better when Daryl is home, but alone, not so much.yesterday was easter, and we spent it with family. while i was just fine in the beginning, i quickly became tired and needed 2 naps in a 4 hr period. another dear friend had mentioned in an email that surgery is surgery and my body is healing. i'm really surprised how hard i've been hit by this. i hadn't shopped, no discussion of name choices... but i'd been pregnant for 10 weeks. almost a full trimester. i've had a lot of loss in my life, so i know how to grieve and what it's all about. i just can't pinpoint anything in my brain this time. it's just a sad foggy feeling that comes over me.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

the sonogram on thursday showed that Boo had died a few weeks ago. I had a D&C on friday. apparently all the spotting and feeling lousy in general was my body trying to reject everything. actually, after the D&C, i'm feeling a lot better. it really took a toll on me.

Daryl and i spent the last few days together talking and snuggling, and making sure we felt connected and safe. Mia has been with Dee and Tom (my fabulous in-laws) since friday morning. it's really given Daryl and i some much needed time.

love, family, friends and laughter (ok, and a smidge of hydrocodone...it was painful) have gotten us through this.

Monday, March 17, 2008

why do i let what some people say bug me so bad that i can't sleep? it's kind of a no big deal subject, but it feels big deal to me.my husband says to 'let it go'. why? why don't i just let it go, and be done with it? why do i replay it in my head over and over and get more and more pissed?why am i still sitting here thinking of all the things i should have said? why don't i learn how to breathe, and calmly say what needs to be said at the time it needs to be said and be done with it? why do i instead get flustered, look down or away and pretend it didn't bug me?i'm more than sure that person is asleep dreaming of whatever pain in the ass people dream about.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

since tuesday, i've had really light spotting...the brown kind (old blood). no big deal, but it's been a few days. We've even laid off the sex (the penetrating kind) to see if it was that. it didn't make a difference.

this morning, for some reason, i got a little more nervous. then came the pain. we called the doc on call and he said that it could be something or could be nothing. he went on to say that i may be having a miscarriage, or possibly not. if something happens, go to the ER, if not, keep my appt with my reg dr that i have on thursday. ya know, what else could he say? he told me to relax and not do anything strenuous. now that's some advice i can follow.

more pain. then i made it to the bathroom. had the most wicked crap, ever! and now i'm fine.

mia and i went to the store, and she got some new sneakers.really, it's ok :)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The bottom right reads:Note to mothers:Exhaustion may be dangerous - especially to children who haven't learned to avoid it by pacing themselves. Exhaustion opens the door a little wider to the bugs and ailments that are always lying in wait. Sugar puts back energy fast - offsets exhaustion. Synthetic sweeteners put back nothing. Energy is the first requirement of life. Pay safe with your young ones - make sure they get sugar every day.

since being pregnant, i've kind of withdrawn myself from a few things. i'm not as talkative and outgoing as i usually am and like to be. the word is EXHAUSTION.

i'mok in the morning, but by afternoon (when my morning sickness kicks in) i'm worthless. so, i tend to stay in my cave and just get through it.

i'm so thankful for my fabulous friends and playgroups. they keep me going. Daryl has been super sweet and attentive. he usually is, but he's so there for me....no judgments, no demands.

one other thing. Mia. i just look at her and my heart aches. she's blossoming into such an amazingly sensitive and bright child. i'm interested in meeting the child that's been sucking all the energy out of me. Daryl and i have a pretty good baby making recipe :) now all i need is a nap

Monday, March 10, 2008

O'Mama Sharon hosted a Guitar Hero MNO Friday night. it ROCKED! Christen was all punk rock in her spiked hair and vans. Melanie was a RIOT! she as the rump shaker down. Sharon helped everyone out, and totally kicked every one's asses. i had briefly met Jennifer at the O'Mama get together at Hyde Park, but it was so great to get to know her a little more...she's so freakin laid back. Andrea was a blast, as usual :)

i played for a bit, got boo'ed off three times in a row (by the game...not the gals)...i SUCKED but i had a blast! then i hung out, chatted and enjoyed some of Sharon's homemade ginger ale.

i must admit that Boo must have been going through a growth spurt, 'cuz i was super duper tired...i tried to hang, but i don't think i did very well. maybe i should stick with the daytime events for a while....but even though i didn't play much, i had a fab time hanging out with some awesome O'Mamas and watching all the rockers rock out!

Friday, March 7, 2008

Dr Kuhlmann ROCKS! i love how mellow and methodical he is. he doesn't assume that i know everything about what's going on (essential for preggo brain), or treat me like i don't either.new t-shirt idea:I'm Self-pay, and YES, I do know how much having a baby will costmany of his staff members questioned me about my lack of insurance info in my chart, then asked if i'd spoken with the business office....(this happened at least 3 times)Daryl and i finally hooked up with his wonderful nurse, Peggy, got labs taken care of, then saw the Doc. no ultrasound today, but i'm def preggers and my uterus is growing.we go back in two weeks for the ultrasound. no heartbeat (he didn't check bc i'm not far along enough), but Dr K doesn't seem to have any worries, so i won't either.i napped for 2 hours this afternoon. i need to do that more often.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

is Boo really there? i've been worried for the last few days. most of my pregnancy symptoms are gone...or am i just used to them now? we have our first obgyn appt this friday, and it seems like a lifetime away. all i need is a heartbeat.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

last thurs night, i had some O'Mamas over for some poker. out of 7 players 2 were texas hold 'em newbies....Andrea & Melanie were fabulous! i was made fun of for being a stickler for the rules...without rules there's chaos...not at my poker table! all the girls drank and ate...i ate and ate to make up for not drinking. a room full of 6 drinking ladies is hilarious! Bonnie came away the big winner. i didn't do so bad with $16. i think Heather was the biggest looser heading home with $1.25 in her pocket.half way through, Mia came down after her bath for some love and kisses from her card playing mama. she tried to steal some of my chips and Heather was quietly asking for her to put them in her stack!we'll be doing this again!