Why are the Spurs still holding onto Kawhi?

It’s July 10th LeBron is officially a Laker, Zach LaVine somehow got PAID, and yet Kawhi is still a San Antonio Spur(s). The never ending saga of the Spurs vs Kawhi has left me begging for a happy ending (yes the kind you’re thinking about.) I’ve got the blogger’s equivalent of blue balls waiting to write the story on him being traded. I imagine when the trade finally goes through I’ll fulfill my childhood dream of being a firefighter, as I desperately try to control the hose hooked to the fire hydrant that is my balls.

According to Bleacher Report most teams are willing to trade for him not knowing how his quad injury effects his play, and also potentially risk him leaving after only a season. So what is the hold up in Kawhi and the Spurs breaking up?

1) The Spurs want too much in return

The Spurs may be getting a little greedy in what they want in return for Kawhi Leonard, and I don’t hate it. It’s not exactly smart, but can you blame them for wanting to get decent players in return? If I were the Spurs I’d be going after draft picks and utility players in trade talks, not trying to get the 3rd or even 5th best player on a team. Pop has proven he can make good players great, and average players good, so a little talent will go a long way under Pop and his coaching staff. So NBA execs, watch your 7th and 8th men on the bench because Pops coming for them!

2) Kawhi’s a diva

As I’ve said before Kawhi really did a 180 in the public eye after his injury. The emotionless robot (we’ll get to that later) turned into the Mariah Carey of the San Antonio, and that change of attitude may make teams think twice about signing him. This guy is threatening to sit out the upcoming season if he is not traded from San Antonio, that takes balls, big brass balls. Any team that isn’t desperate for a superstar player is going to look at that and imagine what happens if Kawhi and the front office were to bump heads after a potential trade. I want a Truman Show type documentary where we see what goes on in Kawhi’s life 24/7, if he doesn’t get to where he has dinner does he start a hunger strike, if he’s mid coitus and the the girl wants to switch up positions does Kawhi blow his wad on command to protest the change of positions? These are questions I think we all know the answer to after his actions in San Antonio.

3) The A.I. built in Kawhi is too powerful to just trade away

I am not a big science fiction buff, but from what I do know of the genre is that sometimes the robots are too smart to handle at some point. Whether they finally feel emotion, or just start short circuiting, it always leads to some serious shit going down. I Robot, The Terminator series, RoboCop and the Iron Giant have shown us the havoc uncontrolled robots can cause. I am leaving out Michael Bay’s shitty Transformers series because he did way more damage (and apparently doesn’t plan on stopping) with his god-awful movies than Megatron could ever do. I think David Fizdale was onto something when he referred to Kawhi as a robot “who bleeds antifreeze.” What if Fizdale cracked the code and was sent to coach the NY Knicks as punishment? Release Kawhi’s medical records to prove he is not a robot, RELEASE THE DOCUMENTS FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE!!