Some moments are indelibly etched in our memories. For me, the way my husband looked at me, with such love and pride, as the doors to the chapel opened and the Wedding March began, is one of those happy memories that stays with me. (In September, we will be celebrating our 25th anniversary). The joy of holding our first baby, for the first time, nearly 22 years ago – and again, nearly 19 years ago, when our youngest was born – makes up another happy memory.

Then there are the other memories…the ones that send the world tilting, crazily, on it’s side. Shared memories, such as watching, with absolute horror, as the twin towers in NYC fell – and the uncertainty and fear for our safety, and our children’s futures, that we felt. The uncertainty of what to do when our oldest injured herself the first time, the fear when she stopped breathing for a second, (that felt like an eternity), before letting out a blood-curdling cry. (She’s fine by the way).

And the way time absolutely stood still when my husband told us that our youngest was bi-sexual. It was February 24th, 2017. We had just enjoyed a wonderful evening with another couple, whom we have been friends with for years. During dinner, they had told us that their son had proposed to his girlfriend – outwardly, I had congratulated them, while, inwardly, I fretted that our son would ever talk to a girl, let alone go out on a date! So, on the way home, as these thoughts were going through my head, my husband told me about a recent conversation he had had with our son. He told me that our Ryan, then 17, was bi-sexual. And, the world tilted – and I felt sick, and filled with disbelief, and held onto hope that, maybe, he was just confused. But, when we got home, I told that precious child that I loved him, and nothing could ever change that, and assured him that God loves him, too – and he said, “I know”. I went upstairs, to our bedroom, that night and searched for what a Christian parent should do in this situation…and the overwhelming answer was just unthinkable! No way would I kick my child out! Then, I saw a loving response that mentioned Linda Mueller Robertson’s story. I read her story, with tears in my eyes, and, from there I found the wonderful Facebook groups.

Those first few weeks, after that revelation, I was a bit of a zombie. I didn’t sleep well, as my nights were peppered with me waking up, pleading with God to not let this be true. The world would not be kind to my child, if this was true! Then, one night, as I stood, shivering in the backyard with our puppy, (wishing he would hurry and do his business), I looked up at the vast array of stars and just cried out to God – why me? Why us? We homeschool, we take our children to church every Sunday! Why? And, in answer, I felt peace, and I knew all would be well. A week, or so, later, I dreamt about spiders – not a scary dream, a dream about all of the vast variety of spiders, some of which we haven’t even discovered, yet – and I woke knowing that God was telling me that His creation is vaster, and more diverse, that I had ever realized. And, again, I felt peace.

Our church has a prophecy ministry. Now, I will be honest, I was always a bit sceptical about this kind of thing, but I am starting to rethink this, as well. A couple of months after Ryan had come out to us, my husband expressed a wish to go to the prophecy ministry…so I went along. Those people told me that I am beloved, (indeed the name, “Amy”, means beloved), and that, because of this, God was going to show me more about love. And, He was going to surround me with people who were outcasts, who are often avoided by others. And, He was going to make me like a fighter jet. And I got chills – and knew that there would be no turning back, we were well, and truly, on this journey…and I felt peace.

On July 22, 2017, our son, who had just completed the rank of Eagle Scout, turned 18. We had planned to go on a canoe trip, since he enjoyed this sort of thing (my husband and I are not swimmers, so we were a bit nervous), but there had been flooding. Instead, we went to dinner at Red Lobster, Ryan’s choice, had cake & ice cream, and planned to watch a movie at home. After our cake, Ryan disappeared into the bathroom for close to an hour. He had been having stomach issues so, while concerned, we were not completely surprised…until my husband received a text from Ryan. This text made the world tilt, again, and go spinning in a completely opposite direction. Our Ryan, the text explained, was actually our daughter. Doug and I assured our youngest of our love – and tried to go on as though nothing had happened. And there was no peace in my soul that night.

Since turning 18, our youngest has become a new, even more delightful, person. We have two daughters now. Our oldest is Elizabeth, and she is 21, will be finishing her senior year of college this year, has plans to marry her boyfriend, (we like him, so it’s a good thing), and go to graduate school. And we have our soon to be 19 year old daughter, Chloe. Every day, it seems, we see a new aspect of this child, whom we, thought, we have known since birth. She is so different now, and, yet, the same. She is still the loving, caring, hilarious child, with impeccable comedic timing, we have always known. At first the changes were nearly overwhelming! There were the struggles, on our part, of getting used to the new name and pronouns. The struggles to maintain a poker face when seeing that child in a dress for the first time. The new appointments on our calendar – therapy sessions, doctor’s appointments, groups for LGBTQ teens, and groups for their parents, (I had been surprised to find that nothing like this existed in our area, so I started the groups – so this level of busyness is my fault), have kept us running. And my husband, Elizabeth, and I have been trying to keep up with Chloe, as she blossoms into the person she was meant to be.

I often reflect on the past…were there signs, that we missed, that our youngest was transgender? In retrospect, yes…at the time, no. There was the lack of interest in sports – but, neither my husband, nor I are athletic, so this wasn’t a total surprise. There was the time our Elizabeth dressed her toddler “brother” in her My Size Barbie dress – and the look of absolute joy on that baby’s face! The time we went hiking through a local park, and my husband took the lead, (to go through any spider webs first), and we said, “someday, Ryan, you will be the dad, and you can walk through the webs” – and that child cried. And, there was the time, before I even had official confirmation that I was pregnant with this child, that I was awakened from a nap by a loud, booming – yet completely silent to everyone else – voice that told me that this child would be used for God’s purposes. And, as I reflect back on what this last year has been, on the new groups that have found us surrounded by people we might have, previously, avoided, (and missed out on an amazing blessing, I might add), the change in the way I view the Bible’s teachings – now, rather than being a judgmental, law-concerned Pharisee, I strive to be a Jesus follower who loves everyone, and fights for justice – the joy in our Chloe’s eyes, her willingness to share her life with us, I am filled with joy, and peace. All will be well,

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 3,700 members. For more info about the private facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Some Christians worry that affirming and supporting LGBTQ people might end up being the wrong thing to do. They wonder how they can be certain they are embracing the good and right position.

As someone who was not always affirming or supportive I can understand their doubts but I no longer have those doubts. I feel confident that affirming and supporting LGBTQ people, their relationships and their identities is the good and right position to hold.

My confidence and assurance is because I keep coming back to this …

The fruit doesn’t lie.

Good theology should produce good fruit and non-affirming/anti-gay/anti trans theology doesn’t pass that test.

Most of the time non-affirming/anti-gay/anti trans theology produces bad fruit in the lives of lgbtq people who try to embrace it wholeheartedly. Fruit such as depression, despair and self loathing are very common results.

We can almost always find a verse or teacher or book to match our beliefs, but … the fruit doesn’t lie.

If a theology is mostly producing bad fruit you know it isn’t the truth and should be abandoned, because … the fruit doesn’t lie.

In Matthew 7 Jesus said if you aren’t sure about something check out the fruit it is producing, because “every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit”

People were asking Jesus a lot of questions.

They wanted to know what they should believe – who they should follow – who they should emulate and support.

They wanted to know who was right – who knew the true way – what prophets should they trust – what rabbi should they follow?

Instead of answering with a list of shoulds and shouldn’ts, or naming names, Jesus offered a formula that would be useful to truth seekers throughout all of time.

Jesus advised those who were listening …

When you are not sure about a specific doctrine, or a certain theological point, or some Christian message you can simply check out the fruit that it is producing.

If it is producing good fruit then it is of God and true. Embrace and follow the teaching.

If it is producing bad fruit then it is not of God and not true. Abandon the teaching.

Scripture does not address most things specifically. Instead it gives us some guiding principles to live by. Then people come along and try to figure out how to apply those guiding principles to real life. When we get it right it mostly leads to whole, healthy, vibrant lives. When we get it wrong it mostly leads to broken, unhealthy, hopeless lives.

If a specific doctrine is mostly producing self loathing, despair, hopelessness, depression, isolation, shame, self harm and other such bad fruit then it’s a no brainer … it’s not good doctrine and we should abandon it.

We can twist scripture to fit with our own perspective.

We can cherry pick and only choose those scriptures that support our view.

We can ignore original language and historical context so that scripture seems to support our argument.

We can almost always find a verse to more or less say what we want it to say.

We can almost always find a Christian leader to teach what we believe.

We can almost always find a book that supports our point of view.

We can almost always find a church that represents our belief.

BUT … the fruit doesn’t lie.

I’m confident that anti-gay/non-affirming/anti-trans theology is wrong because it consistently produces bad fruit and I’m confident that affirming and supporting LGBTQ people, their relationships and identities is good and right because …

When you listen to and get to know LGBTQ Christians who are connecting with faith communities and theology that affirms their relationships and identities you will find they are experiencing a lot of good fruit in their lives. They are typically healthier in every way – relationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

The fruit doesn’t lie!

***If you would like to delve deeper into what scripture says and doesn’t say about same sex relationships check out this postwhich addresses the verses most often used to condemn same sex relationships.

I haven’t been able to find anything in scripture that indicates that Christians should not sell their goods or services to people who they think are sinning and that goes for those who are in the business of selling goods and services for weddings.

After reading scripture and considering what Jesus taught it seems to me that refusing to bake/sell/serve a cake at a same sex wedding because you don’t approve of same sex marriages is not something that honors the basic tenets of Christianity.

Jesus’ teachings seem to indicate that a Christian baker in the United States, where same sex marriage is legal, should be extra accommodating, helpful and generous towards a same sex couple planning a wedding.

In fact, if Jesus were here today he might be saying “go the second mile AND bake the second cake”.

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In Matthew 5:41 Jesus said, “If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.”

As usual Jesus was saying something that might have sounded shocking to his audience.

You see, there was a Roman law that could require men to drop what they were doing and carry a Roman soldier’s equipment for him for up to one mile.

The Israelites who lived in Rome were disgusted about having to pay taxes to Caesar and obey Roman laws such as this because they saw Romans as evil and ungodly.

So, when Jesus said “If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.” you would have heard a lot of gasps and grumbling among those in the crowd. In fact, it was probably one of those times when many just got up, left and stopped following Jesus. This was not a message they wanted to hear.

But that didn’t stop Jesus. He went right on challenging them to be extra generous and accommodating to those they saw as evil and ungodly. He went right on challenging them to put their reputation on the line for love and kindness.

Jesus wasn’t worried about people talking bad about someone for associating with the wrong people or for helping a Roman soldier more than was required.

Jesus was willing to risk his own reputation when it came to radical love and inclusion and he was telling his followers they should be doing the same kind of crazy, shocking, upside down sort of things.

”If someone forces you to bake a cake for a gay wedding, bake for them two.

Christians, our Jesus said to not only follow the law, but to rise to a higher standard of love. Christians should be the FIRST people baking cakes — for everyone who asks us. We should be known for our cake baking. People should be saying, “There go those crazy Christians again, baking cakes for everyone. They just won’t quit!” Then, when we share the reason for our wild, all-inclusive love, people will want to hear it. “Let your light shine before others,” said Jesus, “that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven”

If you believe gay marriage is immoral (I don’t, myself) and a gay couple comes into your shop and asks you to bake a cake for their wedding, what should you do? If God causes the sun to rise and the rain to fall on the wedding days of straight and gay couples, then what is our responsibility? If it is against the law to discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation, but you believe strongly that their lifestyle is immoral, what should you do?

Jesus said, “Go with them two.” – Jessica Kantrowitz

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My oldest son, who is gay, got married earlier this month. I was so thankful for the love and support we received from so many of our friends and family members. Much of the support and love we received came from affirming Christians that we know and love, but there was a deafening silence coming from some non-affirming family members who refused to express any happiness or joy for my son. That silence hurt us deeply.

There was only one person among all the non-affirming Christians we know personally who broke their silence and offered a sincere, positive wish of happiness for my son in regards to his marriage. It was just a short message they posted online expressing their good wishes and happiness for my son. It was a comment posted on a picture from the wedding I shared on social media but that simple comment meant so much to us. It was shocking to me – in a good way. I was immediately impressed that this person wasn’t worried about what anyone thought about them as they sent best wishes to my newly married son. It reminded me of the way that Jesus loved others and how he was willing to risk his own reputation when it came to loving people. It reminded me that Jesus calls his followers to do the same thing.

It may be rare, but there are Christians who are really invested in and committed to loving like Jesus loved. I’m so thankful for them!

May more of us who claim to be followers of Jesus be willing to shock the world with the same kind of radical love and generosity Jesus demonstrated and taught.

May more of us who profess to be imitating Jesus be willing to risk our reputation the way Jesus did when he hung out with and loved those that the religious people thought were ungodly.

May more of us who call ourselves Christians be willing to go the second mile and bake the second cake.

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Liz Dyer is the founder and owner of Serendpitydodah for Moms, a private Facebook group for open minded Christian moms of LGBTQ+ kids.

The group is set up so that only members can see who is in the group and what is posted there. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,000 members.

And this one by a Kimberly‘s friend, Niki Breeser Tschirgi. One of the toughest things that moms of lgbtq kids deal with is the loss of supportive friends and family members … but, thank goodness, there are those friends, like Niki, who don’t abandon us!

If you enjoy these two stories please consider sharing them with your friends.

Every child deserves to be loved and deserves to be safe. As a former foster parent and an adoptive mom of six, I believe this deep down to the very depths of my soul. I will always affirm a mother loving her child. Always. I affirm friendship. I affirm love. So, when a friend I love came to me with her incredible burden to help children and a raging personal storm in her life regarding her family, I did what I knew I needed to do. What I wanted to do. I affirmed her, and I affirmed her child.

One definition of affirm means to offer emotional support or encouragement. To support means to bear all or part of the weight. To hold up. To carry, prop up, brace, shore up, to back, champion, help, assist, stand behind, or defend. Support also means approval, encouragement, to comfort, friendship, strength, consolation, solace, and relief…and here we are just defining the word support.

What about the word encouragement? To encourage means to give support, confidence or hope to someone. To hearten, cheer, buoy up, uplift, inspire, spur on, fire up, revitalize, embolden. Some synonyms of encourage are promising, hopeful, reassuring, cheering, comforting, supportive, understanding, helpful, and positive. Are those enough definitions to give you an idea about affirming one another? About affirming one another in love?

Affirmation requires action.

I have known Kimberly for over a decade. Our friendship began in an apartment building one August afternoon in hot and incredibly humid Texas. My husband and I had moved down to the Houston area for his training in graduate school ., and Kimberly was one of the first smiling faces I met as a young, bewildered mother of two who was trying to plant her roots down deep in Texas soil. Not an easy feat for a girl who grew up in Alaska and had just moved down from Washington State. Kimberly introduced me to cabbage and sausage fried in butter and Blue Bell ice cream. She introduced me to southern hospitality and southern friendship. Here was a single mother of five working her tail off to make ends meet. I had made my first new friend in my new city and my lonely heart lifted a notch out of my gut.

Fast forward a decade and now thousands of miles apart. Kimberly and I have remained friends. While visiting Las Vegas I spent time with her adult daughter and met her granddaughter. As Kimberly pushed, sweated, and groaned her way through nursing school, I prayed and supported from afar. I was delighted to stay updated on her progress in school. She never ceased to amaze me with what she could accomplish, even with all her children under her care.

Then I received a Facebook message from her. I wish I still had the message to put in this post, but I don’t. Kimberly was letting me know that her son, born Joseph Paul, was now her daughter going by the name of “Kai”… and was transgender.She wanted me to know that she understood if I didn’t want to be friends anymore because she had already lost most of her family and friends but was inviting me to like her new Facebook account if I wanted to continue in our friendship. Shocked that my friend was abandoned by those she counted closest, I stared gazing at my screen, formulating what to say to her and immediately wrote her back.

I told her I loved her and that in no uncertain way that I wanted to remain friends with her. I might not understand everything, but I wasn’t going anywhere and I would pray for wisdom and love to reign.

Later, while the media storm was erupting around her, her daughter, bathroom rights, and her passionate stance to protect her daughter, Kimberly told me her story. I could feel her remorse through the telephone of how she had done things wrong, but also her hope for the future of doing things right. From Kimberly’s earliest memories of Kai, she noticed that this child’s temperament was more like her oldest daughters than her other sons. Then, around the age of two, a family member asked if her child was gay because of this child’s flamboyant nature and love for all things girly. At the tender age of two-and-a-half, Kai announced she was a girl. Not long after that, a friend who is a Christian Psychologist asked her if she, Kimberly, noticed anything different about her child and discussed with her the science behind gender dysphoria. Then, at the age of four, Kai became adamant that she wouldn’t pretend “to be a boy” anymore.

Kimberly shared with me, that in her ignorance, she began to google conversion therapy and how to implement it. She asked the daycare to put away all girly toys and when her child insisted, “I am a girl”, she and others would get down on the child’s level and look Kai in the eyes and firmly tell her, “No. You are a boy.” Her child went into deep depression. Haircuts became a nightmare of screaming, “Stop. Stop. Please don’t mommy. Please don’t let them cut my hair.” But Kimberly was adamant her child had a boy haircut, boy- themed birthday parties, and boy- themed toys. She edited nearly every picture of Kai before sharing with family. Pictures taken around her home of Kai always had her in a t-shirt dress. Since before two years old she would make dresses and skirts from her shirts. She would use anything to make headbands. She cropped and manipulated photos so her family didn’t know that her son wanted to be a girl.

One day, after daycare, Kai got into the car sobbing. Kai’s best friend had a birthday party and Kai wasn’t invited because according to her best friend’s dad, “It was a girl party and Kai was a freak.” That night, Kimberly walked in on her sweet child praying for Joseph to go to heaven and live with Jesus. Kai was begging the Lord to let her die. At the age of four, Kai was praying for death. This was the moment that helped Kimberly realize transition for her child was necessary. She didn’t know how to do it, but she needed to help her child. The suicide rate for transgender youth is 41%. The American Academy of Pediatrics, Center for Disease Control, and the Trans Youth Project from the University of Washington all agree that transgender youth who are supported by family, peers, and community fare far better, than those who aren’t supported. Some research seems to reflect transgender youth who are accepted, supported, and validated have no higher risk of depression nor suicide attempts than their peers. Kai was not going to be a statistic on Kimberly’s watch if she could help it.

Armed with a scorching desire to help her child, Kimberly began her research regarding gender dysphoria in children and read studies from the American Academy of Pediatrics, American Psychological Association, and the University of Washington. She reached out to other moms of transgender children and was loved and supported by secret groups of loving, hurting, prayerful Christian moms of LGBTQ children. Here, Kimberly found that she was not alone and that others too had been abandoned by family and friends. She found an entire community hurting and desperately seeking to connect with others who would stand with them, not against them – those who would love them, not hate them.

Over the past year Kimberly has steadfastly fought for the rights of her daughter and the rights of other LGBTQ children. Some of her endeavors have included testifying before the Texas senate, speaking at press conferences, meeting with elected officials both in Texas and Washington D.C., filming PSA’s, and sharing her story with The Today Show, Vice HBO and Good Housekeeping.

Over twenty years ago, in my second year of college, I prayed a prayer. The prayer was, “Lord, what have you called me to do?” Quietly and gently He whispered to my heart, “Niki, I have called you to love people.” That moment with God has never left me. Ever. Over the past twenty years I haven’t done this calling perfectly, but I have tried to give it my best.

I may not have all the answers to the questions surrounding the plight of our LGBTQ community, but I do know the answer is not hate. Plainly, and clearly, it is love.

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About the Author: Niki Breeser Tschirgi

Niki Breeser Tschirgi is a stay-at-home mom who resides in Spokane, Washington, with her husband, Matt; six adopted children (four boys still at home, ages eleven through sixteen); and Moose, her standard poodle. She discovered her love for writing in the seventh grade and studied creative writing at the University of Idaho. Niki wrote for Blindigo online magazine while living in Houston, Texas, and over the years has published several blogs, including “The Stars Are Bright—How a Northern Girl Became a Southern Woman and Everything In-Between” and “Rock a Child’s World,” a blog that raised awareness for adoption in Texas. Niki’s first book, Growing up Alaska is a memoir about her crazy, freezing childhood in the interior of Alaska. Niki’s second book, Stretch-mark My Heart, shares her family’s adoption journey through the US foster care system. When she isn’t writing, doing laundry, loading dishes, or sweeping the floor, Niki can be found reading, practicing yoga, or paddle boarding with her kids. To connect with Niki, follow her on Facebook, Twitter or check out her website, Growing up in Alaska

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. Our official motto is “We Are Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears” The group is set up so that only members can see who is in the group and what is posted there. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,000 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Jesus said if you aren’t sure about something check out the fruit because “every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit”

People were asking Jesus a lot of questions.

They wanted to know what they should believe – who they should follow – who they should emulate and support.

They wanted to know who was right – who knew the true way? What prophets should they trust? What rabbi should they follow?

Instead of answering with a list of shoulds and shouldn’ts or naming names he offered a formula that would be useful to truth seekers throughout all of time.

Jesus advised those who were listening …

When you are not sure about a specific doctrine, or a certain theological point, or some Christian message you can simply check out the fruit that it is producing.

If it is producing good fruit then it is of God and true. Embrace and follow the teaching.

If it is producing bad fruit then it is not of God and not true. Abandon the teaching.

Scripture does not address most things specifically. Instead it gives us some guiding principles to live by. Then people come along and try to figure out how to apply those guiding principles to real life. When we get it right it mostly leads to whole, healthy, vibrant lives. When we get it wrong it mostly leads to broken, unhealthy, hopeless lives.

If a specific doctrine is mostly producing self loathing, despair, hopelessness, depression, isolation, shame, self harm and other such bad fruit then it’s a no brainer … it’s not good doctrine and we should abandon it.

The fruit doesn’t lie.

You can twist scripture.

But, the fruit doesn’t lie.

You can always find a verse to more or less say what you want it to say.

But, the fruit doesn’t lie.

You can always find a Christian leader to teach what you believe.

But, the fruit doesn’t lie.

You can always find a book that supports your point of view.

But, the fruit doesn’t lie.

**********************************************

This week a group of conservative evangelical leaders laid out their beliefs on human sexuality, including opposition to same-sex marriage and fluid gender identity, in a new doctrinal statement they titled the Nashville Statement

The statement grows out of a shame based doctrine that has proven over and over again to mostly produce bad fruit in the lives of LGBT people who wholeheartedly embrace it.

While it is true that there is an occasional story of an LGBT person who seems to be doing okay embracing anti LGBT Christian theology, it is disingenuous to stand in front of a tree and hold up a few good pieces of fruit while ignoring thousands of pieces of bad fruit laying on the ground surrounding the tree.

The vast majority of LGBT Christians who embrace the idea that they must either change their orientation, deny their gender identity or face life long celibacy experience depression, hopelessness, shame, despair and self loathing. Many experience suicide ideation and some even end their life.

And the statement doesn’t just say that those who disagree with the anti LGBT doctrine are wrong.

The statement says that those who are affirming are outside of the Christian faith and that it is wrong to think of this as something that falls into the “agree to disagree” column.

They have stated it in such a way to make it clear that they see this as a non-negotiable.

Article 10 states:

WE AFFIRM that it is sinful to approve of homosexual immorality or transgenderism and that such approval constitutes an essential departure from Christian faithfulness and witness.

WE DENY that the approval of homosexual immorality or transgenderism is a matter of moral indifference about which otherwise faithful Christians should agree to disagree.

That is a deep line in the sand they are drawing.

It seems obvious to me they are saying if you support the statement you should not be in fellowship with someone who does NOT support the statement.

It seems obvious to me they are saying if you are the parent of an LGBT child who is in a same sex relationship you should reject and separate from your child.

It seems obvious to me they are saying if you have family and friends who are affirming you should shun them.

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Personally I don’t give a hoot what they think.

I am long past the point of recognizing evangelicals as those who have credibility or authority when it comes to my own life.

But I am deeply concerned about LGBT people – especially LGBT youth – and families with LGBT children who are a part of faith communities that support the statement.

The message is toxic and damaging and some parents will think they are doing the loving thing by abiding by it, when in reality they will be placing a tremendous and unnecessary burden on their kids that will be extremely harmful and might very well do irreparable damage to their precious children.

The fruit doesn’t lie.

The message of the statement will surely tear families apart and drive people away from the faith.

The fruit doesn’t lie.

The message will produce depression, despair, shame, hopelessness, self loathing and even suicide.

The fruit doesn’t lie.

The message will not produce life – it will produce death – relational death, emotional death, spiritual death and physical death.

The fruit doesn’t lie.

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ON THE OTHER HAND THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS:

When you listen to LGBTQ Christians who are connecting with faith communities that affirm their relationships and identities you will find that they are experiencing a lot of good fruit in their lives. They are typically healthier in every way – relationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

If you are the mom of an LGBTQ kid there is a great online community you might want to join:

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The group was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,100 members. Each day moms of LGBTQ kids gather virtually to share a journey that is unique and often very difficult. The group is a place where they share a lot of information, ask questions, support one another, learn a lot and brag on their kids. Our official motto is “We Are Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears” The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. The space was specifically created for open minded Christian moms who have LGBTQ kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBTQ kids. However, moms do not have to be Christian to be a member of the group. In addition to providing a space for members to share info and support one another, a special guest is added each month for a short time so members can ask questions in the privacy of the group. The guests include authors, pastors, LGBTQ people, bloggers, medical professionals and public speakers.

I spent the entire day shampooing carpets. Area rugs, really, which my elderly chihuahua confuses with piddle patches, so I shampooed one side, then flipped them over and shampooed them from behind, then dragged them outside to dry in the sun. I had also done laundry and mopped the tile under the area rugs. I was exhausted and sore and irritable, and when I finally showered and fell into bed that evening, I looked forward to a mindless Valentines movie to veg out with.

Enter Ally, my sweet and challenging 12 year old. She’d been clingy for a few weeks, but I enjoyed the snuggles. Poor kid had been so awkward for so long, I figured puberty hit her harder than most. My third and last of 3 girls, growing up despite my effort to keep her little, she marched to her own beat and I had tried for years to understand her. I had spent hours and hours in meetings with her schools over the years, who had tested and evaluated her, and still scratched their heads. I had homeschooled her, adjusted her education philosophy, and had moved her to her fourth school the previous fall, all in an effort to find someone who could crack her special code. Her IQ said genius, her grades said slacker, her room said mad scientist, her journal said creative master, her body language said lost.

So I tried not to be annoyed when she needed my attention yet again that night, and we cuddled under the ceiling fan and watched some silly chick flick in silence. I smelled her still-damp hair and started to zone out while she rubbed her kitty’s ears.

“Mom? I’m trans.”

<pause>

<squint>

“What’s that, honey? Trans-what? Trans….??”

“Gender. I’m transgender. I’m a boy.”

<stunned silence>

*record scratch*

<Inappropriate, nervous giggle>

She studied me intently, sheepishly, boldly.

I sat up and blinked.

“Uuuhhhhh….”

Think, Whitney. This is important. Don’t laugh. Don’t cry. Don’t change the subject. You can do this. This is a crucial moment. Pivotal. Don’t choke. You got this.

“Okay. Wait. Hold on. We’re okay. You’re okay.”

“I’ve known for a long time. Three years since I realized what was wrong with me. I wasn’t going to say anything. I was going to keep it to myself but I just can’t any more. I’m Gabriel. I’m a boy.”

“Okay, wait. Back up. Slow down. I’m…. I can’t…. Just hold on. When I was a kid, we had a term called tomboy. Girls who climb trees and hate dresses and do boy stuff are tomboys. Maybe you’re actually a tomboy?”

“I know what a tomboy is. A tomboy is still a girl. I’m a boy. I’m not a tomboy. I’m transgender.”

<deep, ragged sigh>

<Big, deep, hard hug>

“You’re pretty sure about this, huh? You seem pretty serious. I’m going to have to wrap my poor old brain around this because I don’t understand. Listen, I love you. I’m crazy about you. We will figure this out. We get someone to help us with this.”

What’s church going to do to help us here? Who can help me grasp this? Not my mother. Not my husband. I know precisely one transgender person, whom I’ve never met in real life, who lives far away….

“Oh, I’ve figured it out. I understand……” And then she goes off into detailed explanation of hormones and chromosomes and gender presentation…

What’s happening right now? Am I being punked?

….sexuality vs gender vs genitalia, pronouns, deadnames….

My mind swirled and swirled. I saw spots.

I need a drink.

She opened my laptop and brought up websites with videos; she showed me bible verses and explained the original text in relation to the cultural context; she mentioned a doctor on the other coast who performs “top surgery;” and she explained hormone blockers vs testosterone.

I was nauseated. My face flushed. My chin quivered.

Is this really happening? Where’s Ashton Kutcher right now?

She told me she needed a WPATH certified therapist, because she needed to prove that she’d been in counseling for at least six months before ….something about injections…..binders….non-binary…..

……and mastectomy….

“Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Please. I can’t. I can’t right now.”

I held my head and ran my hands through my hair and rubbed my eyes hard.

“Come here and hug me and stop talking for tonight. I can’t take one more idea in.” Please, make it stop.Stop it. Stop it. This can’t be happening. This isn’t real. This can’t be real. No. No. No. No.

“I’m sorry. It’s just…. I don’t want to hurt myself.”

*record scratch*

I pull her back and look her in the face. “What?!? What does that mean?” My eyes filled with tears. So did hers.

“I wanted to wait. The plan was to leave home and go to college, come out, and figure it out from there. But I realized that I couldn’t do that. My choice was either to tell you or die, and then I figured if telling you didn’t go well, I could re-evaluate. And I’m just so relieved…,” and then she sobbed.

And I went directly into what I can only describe as a fog.

“Ally…”

“It’s Gabe,” she said softly.

Shit. My breath caught in my lungs.

“Okay, well, I have known for 30 seconds and you have known for years, so you’ll have to give me some time. And now I need to be alone. You go to bed and sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll make some calls and I’ll find you a counselor, and I’ll start researching, and we’ll figure this out. Please just chill with the surgery talk right now. This will take time. I’ll think about how we’ll tell Daddy…”

“You can’t tell Daddy. What if he kicks me out?”

“He’s not going to kick you out. He loves you. But he will struggle with this and he has that important exam this week, so let’s just sit on this for a bit. I cannot make another decision right now. I can’t think.”

“I love you, Mom. Thank you.”

“I love you fiercely. We will figure this out, I promise.”

And she went to bed.

HE went to bed. Shit.

And, just like that, my little Ally was gone.

I dissolved into hopeless tears as I listened to my husband cough relentlessly, fighting a virus while studying for a professional exam. It was the loneliest and the most helpless I have ever felt in my life.

Saying “we are all sinners” when talking about someone’s loving relationship, marriage or family is not loving or kind – it is unkind, unloving and disrespectful. It strips away a person’s human dignity when you compare the most important and cherished things in their life to sin. All any straight person has to do is imagine how they would feel if someone called their engagement, marriage, family sinful – which is why these words from Stan Mitchell are so important.

“We Are All Sinners” – A Step In The Right Direction But Still Not Enough by Stan Mitchell

A wonderful same-sex couple I know well have been monogamously, faithfully together for 30+ years. In that time, they have raised three beautiful, productive children (who all happen to be heterosexual, btw) and now have several grandchildren. While they will absolutely agree with you that they are imperfect creatures who have sinned and still do, what is terribly hurtful and painfully offensive to them is when this most beautiful part of their life – their family – is called their sin. When this perhaps sincere yet patronizing religious overture is offered them, they look at their love, their children and their grandchildren and say, “No doubt we have sin in our life but this love and these children are not it.”

What am I saying here and why am I saying it?

There are many Christians who, though they believe same-sex love is wrong, also sense that excluding their LGBT sisters & brothers from the fellowship of Christianity is at least as wrong. Caught in this painful catch-22, one way many attempt to reconcile this untenable tension is to offer that while same-sex love is indeed sin, it is no worse than other sins, including their own. Essentially, they are saying, “We are all sinners saved by grace so if you are out because of your sin then I am out because of mine and if I get to be in in spite of my sin then so do you.”

While this effort is appreciable and a step in the right direction for sure, it still falls short and is hauntingly comparable to the Jim Crow south as a progression from slavery – better but not remotely enough. Just as an entire generation of people finally looked at a separate water fountain and said it can not quench my thirst, there are millions of people who can not, out of self-respect and the sheer dignity of their own soul, accept the acceptance that is no acceptance – calling their love, “sin” and their family, “sinful.”

(The photo I have included is of my son and his fiance who will be married in October of this year. I look forward to celebrating them, their love and the life they are building together!)

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The group was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 1,700 members. Each day moms of LGBTQ kids gather virtually to share a journey that is unique and often very difficult. The group is a place where they share a lot of information, ask questions, support one another, learn a lot and brag on their kids. (Email lizdyer55@gmail.com for more info about the group.)

Members of the private Facebook group “Serendipitydodah for Moms” were asked to share a piece of their heart with you by answering one simple question: “What do you want others to know about you, your kids, and your family?”

Here are their responses:

Don’t say, “I understand and support you all” and then disappear from our lives. Please don’t say we’re brave. Brave is dealing with a serious medical diagnosis. We are not brave, we are just being normal, loving parents who support our child. – Cathy Hoff from Ballston Spa, NY

We’re worthy. We matter. We’re valuable. We’re doing our best just like everyone else. We celebrate the wins and support each other through the losses. God does not see us as less redeemable than anyone else. See us. We’re no different. – Whitney Treloar from Naples, FL

That my child is exactly who God lovingly and perfectly made him to be. – Tammie Jarnagan from West Fork, Arkansas

Love is Love is Love. My daughter is the same relation to you now as when she was known as my son. She is your sister’s child, your daughter’s child, your neighbor’s child. Love me, love my Child, as Christ does. Love one Another. – Cilla Thomas from Lincolnville, Maine

Our love is so true to each other. We have stood by each other, even as you stepped away. If you could have only stayed to share with us. Love knows no barriers. God has stood by us and we are so blessed. – Lori Chavers Blankenship from Gilroy, CA

Having a son who is gay has helped me become a better Christian and taught me to live and love better. I never had to choose between my Christian faith and my son. My faith helped me realize that condemning same sex relationships is wrong and unjust. – Liz Dyer from Fort Worth, TX

Our family is just a regular family, and we want the same for our child as you do for yours. – Jennifer Robinson from Portage, Michigan

I thought I knew what it meant to be a Christian. After all, we were a Southern Baptist minister’s family. I’ve always taught my kids to love God and love people. But I’ve learned more about the love of Christ from my gay son than I could have ever taught him. I’m a better person because of him. We no longer call ourselves Baptists, and we stay away from organized church. I will never subject our family to that kind of hurt again. We’re just Jesus followers and it feels good! – Jackie McQueen from Tuscaloosa, AL

My kid would be a regular, well adjusted, normal, everyday kid with everyday goals and concerns. If the world would just let them. – Lannette Sargent from Seattle, WA

My son was pretending to be a girl for 18 years. Now he can live as his authentic self. He’s never been happier. Our love stayed the same! – Danielle Castellini Giannascoli from Buena, NJ

Simply put, we love our kids and will stick by them. Just because one is gay and another is transgender is no reason to condemn us. We love fully and fiercely, just like God loves us! – Renae Shaffer-Stone from College Place, WA

The world is a better place because my child is in it. – Mary Jo Whitley from Winston-Salem, NC

I have been given the greatest gift by having a gay child. I have learned to love more completely and freely. The greatest heartache has not been with my child, but with others and how their beliefs have impacted my child. – Tana Lightbown Hendricks from Vancouver, BC

That my child is my most precious gift and to throw her away would have been the greatest sin. She is an amazing person. – Adele Berardi from Bayville, NJ

My daughter has a GREAT relationship with her father. Our family is intact. We raised both our kids in the faith. My faith journey towards affirmation started LONG before my daughter came out and when she did, I already kinda knew and my heart was well prepared. – Nicole Garrison Park from Lewisville, TX

I would like others to know that we are happy living our authentic lives and that they are loved. – Linda Ling from San Marcos, TX

We are the same people you knew BEFORE my daughter came out. – Shirley Carley from Midlothian, VA

Our family’s love does not come with buts, if onlys, asterisks, strings attached or conditions. We live for love, we live for each other. – Tammy Flowers Mejdrich from Charleston, IL

To my ex pastor: You baptized my child in a freezing cold river at family camp when she was a child. She went to YOU and without my knowledge and asked you to baptize her. How you could turn your back on my child because she is gay is unconscionable. That is why I no longer attend the church I had been a member of for over 2 decades. Our family loves the Lord but will love Him in a place where people actually “love like Jesus”. – Nancy Villegas from Dinuba, CA

We have & will always love our daughter unconditionally. Those that matter support her; those that don’t support her don’t matter. Love people, love God. Namaste. – Katie Krone Connell from Arlington, TX

She is not depraved, sick or sinful for being gay and I am not “in bondage” for loving and supporting her just the way God created her. – Elizabeth Frauenknecht from Dayton, Ohio

We all travel roads that take different paths, but all strive to end up at the same location eventually and that would be healthy and happy. If we just cared enough to help each other reach our destination without judging who we bring along, we would have an amazing journey. My immediate family represents unconditional love on each path we take. – Marcie Loeffler Castiglione from Burleson, TX

I am a mom! It took a while for me to wake up and affirm my girl, but praise the Lord I’ve awaken! I won’t be stopped. I love my girl and so does the Lord! – Sherry Pyles from Middlebury, CT

The silence and the avoidance of the “the subject” of my gay child is just as painful as hateful words that my beliefs offend you. You can’t tolerate one of my children and support the others and call it all unconditional love. – Kristen Capp from Monroeville, PA

Our family is about unconditional love. We work at being fully present in the life we have now, appreciating and respecting it as the gift that it is. We do not try to force our views onto one another but rather appreciate that our greatest lessons may come from those that are different than us. – Cheryl B. Evans from Ontario, Canada

This adventure has taught me more about how God truly wants us to love others than 50 years sitting in a church ever did. I have been stretched in ways I never thought possible, but the end result has caused me to love my child even more than before. – Deniece Williams from Canton, IL

Just love people, who they are and where they are, and let God figure out the rest. It’s not our responsibility to have all the answers. – Dena Heinen Edwards from Edmond, OK

I used to sing “Jesus loves you this I know, for the Bible tells me so. He loves me and he loves you, he loves pink and long hair too” to Grace. She always knew who God made her to be, we just had to catch up. – Ann Vinson Zweckbronner from Mechanicsville, VA

I am so proud of the wonderful people my children have become despite the unkind and harmful things they had to endure from uneducated and misinformed people. – Rose Stucchio from Massapequa, NY

My kid is the same kid they always were before they came out, Now I know one more little piece of information about them. Nothing scary, nothing much, just another revelation as they grow into the person they were meant to be. – Jennifer Stake White from Cleveland, TN

From the moment we stopped fighting our child’s authentic identity as a girl, our lives became simultaneously easier and harder. Easier because she was immediately happier being able to dress as a girl, present as a girl in public, grow her hair out, and just be herself. Harder because her dad and I became immediately aware of the increased danger to her from people who oppose trans people, which included some friends and church family. – Katie Jenifer from Fayetteville, NC

My family is happy, now. We laugh and smile and grow, now. Please stop negating the hard fought battles that brought us to this point because you disagree with our outcome. Instead ask us about the journey, you might find it wasn’t what you think.- Rachel Drouillard from Kettering, OH

I want others to know I don’t need you to pray for my daughter to be changed. I have raised amazing human beings. Don’t feel sorry for me because one happens to be gay. We are in a good place in our home, our hearts, and our walk with the Lord. – Brandy Doty from Nolanville, TX

I was shaken to my soul when my son came out. I would not have chosen for one of my kids to be gay but now I honestly count having a gay son as a gift from God. God did miraculous surgery on my heart. – Donna Thompson Spencer from Coral Springs, FL

If you say you’re “supportive” and you keep voting to put people in power who want to take rights and protections away from my son, then you are not supportive. Civil rights are not social issues. They are rights. The fact that you don’t openly disapprove of my child isn’t support. That is called tolerance. – Molly Wills Carnes from Houston, TX

I feel fortunate we raised our kids in a fully affirming church. That may have made it easier for my son to come out, although he was still afraid to tell us. We love him unconditionally, and his straight sister, too. Sending you all big Mom Hugs! – Nancy Booher from La Mirada, CA

My gay son has made me a better person, kinder, less judgmental. I love him with all my heart. He is a gift from God. My greatest fear is worrying that someone would judge him, reject and even physically hurt him just because God made him Gay. – Teresa Medlin Poston from Marion, SC

I’m not saying this on behalf of my transgender child because on GOD, she will never go a day without knowing how important and loved she is! I’m asking this for all the others who have been ostracized, ridiculed and told they are not right in the eyes of God to please look into one another’s soul and show kindness and compassion regardless of what’s between someone’s legs and this world will be a much safer, happier place. – Lizz Rosãs from Albuquerque, New Mexico

The best part of having a gay son, is the privilege I have had, meeting and becoming friends with his gay and lesbian friends. They are some of the most loving, creative, compassionate and caring people on the planet. My life has been enriched because of them. – Kay Bradford from Goodyear, AZ

As I told a legislative staffer on the phone today – our family is just like any other family. We work, we volunteer, we go to church, we take vacations, we have pets, hobbies, friends, hopes, dreams. We have good days and bad days, weird family inside jokes and made up words still in our vocabulary from when our kids were learning to talk. We are the same as most families. We want to live our lives freely and go about our business in peace. The only difference is that one of us is gay and a certain faction of society wants to throw up roadblocks at every turn while others may want to inflict physical harm. Normal things have become a fight. This has made me a fierce force for love, justice and equality. – Michelle Bradshaw McComb from Buda, TX

From the moment my son came out, my world changed so much for the better! He opened my eyes to REAL UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! – Angie Laws from Hickory, NC

I want you to know that I love my child completely just the way that God made her. She is the same sweet girl that you have known since childhood. She happens to have a wife instead of a husband. I want you to know that we can talk about it even if we disagree because the silence is killing me. I want you to know that I understand why you think the way you do. I used to think that way too. I beg you to just try to begin to think about it differently. Read some books on this subject. Hear our stories. I’ve put myself in your shoes, please put yourself in mine. – Robinette Nacca-Cooke from Las Vegas, NV

What I want others to know about our family is that we love deeply, passionately and unconditionally. We as parents feel blessed to have a gay child because it has changed us for the better. Our eyes and hearts have been opened to a depth of love that we never completely understood before. Don’t judge what you don’t understand. – Sandy Van Dyne from Palmdale, CA

I don’t understand all my gay sons’ choices, but I do know they did not choose to be gay. God chose them and us to receive this life – with love & joy, or not. We choose love. We choose joy. Join us or not – your gain or loss. – Patty Meriwether from Fort Wayne, Indiana

I guess I want you to know that our house functions just like any other. My daughter identifies as lesbian. She is also a beautiful ballerina, talented artist, and giggles until three in the morning when she has her friends over. Most of our struggles are not because of her sexuality, but because she is a willful seventeen year old that knows who she is. My husband and I are both pastors in a progressive denomination. – Monica L. Banks from Winston-Salem, NC

I have 3 sons and their sexuality is just a sliver of who they are….I have a horticulturist, an artist, and a public servant in a large metropolitan city. Until/unless you have skin in the game, we have nothing to discuss!!! – Gerry Phifer from Jacksonville, TX

We’re just a normal family living our lives, loving who we love. Nothing much to see here. My teen daughter’s girlfriend had a birthday yesterday. We bought a stuffed animal & candy. We delivered the gifts. The girls hugged in the driveway. No big deal, no “gay agenda”. – Amy Hansley Bennett from McKinney, TX

Being a mom is awesome! I love all of my children, when our son came out we didn’t have all the answers, but he is my son and I unconditionally love him! I am 100% affirming, did we know everything, heck no! But I know love is love…what else matters? – Danette Mohring from Orangevale, CA

My son is a gifted writer and painter. His faith is inspirational and his ability to make people laugh brightens up even the darkest days. This world is a better place because he exists. Oh, and he’s transgender, which is just a facet of his amazingness. – Sherilyn Hickenbottom from Elk Grove, CA

I have two amazing sons, one straight and one gay. And I know that God created each of them to be exactly the person they have become. I believe the best gift any parent can give their child is to love them! I celebrate my kids! – Jamie Hovland from Quartz Hill, CA

After years of infertility, we were blessed with two little miracles! They are awesome adults: a straight daughter and a gay son, spiritual beings in human bodies, created by a loving God. We love and celebrate them and continue to love ALL of God’s children, letting Him do the judging. – Dyanne Khalaf from Tustin, CA

I am closer to God, my child, my family now than ever before in my life. My faith is deeper and richer. I fully love, accept and affirm my LGBTQ children BECAUSE of my faith, not in spite of it. – Susan Cottrell from Austin, TX

My daughters are the joy of my life. I always believe that we love unconditionally in our family and in the world. All life is a gift. – Kathy Lutz Hayes from Cincinnati, OH

I am the blessed mom of a transgender teenager and a cisgender teenager. Both were given to me as a precious gift from my Lord and Savior. I will do whatever I need to do to protect, love and support them with the abilities God gave me!! – Melissa Sosenko DeStefano from Gilbertsville, PA

Before I was a judgmental, white, conservative, holier than thou, Republican, fundamentalist, Christian. I had to take a really hard look at myself and when I did I found myself lacking. I’ve deconstructed everything I once believed was truth and am slowly putting it all back together. I think I am going to like the new me when this process is complete and I have my wonderful son, who happens to be gay, to thank for helping me see how wrong I was about so many things. – Laurie Newell Rhodes from Bryan, TX

I am the Mom of two, a straight son and a gay daughter. Both of them are gifts from God, Who made them who they are – straight or gay, talented, smart, and loving. Sexual orientation is no more a choice than eye color, or height, or anything else one is born with. I wish society as a whole would stop treating the LGBTQ community as less than equal. Love is love! – Michele Wessel Tarnow from Valparaiso, IN

My children are not their sexual orientations. My children are bright, caring, amazing humans that I have been blessed with. Love them for their personalities, their hopes and dreams, and how hard they love their family and friends. – Carrie Black from Oklahoma City, OK

I am so grateful that God created my son gay: He is smart, funny, talented, openhearted and deeply loyal to his friends. He – along with others in the LGBTQ community – deserves the same protections, privileges and basic human dignity as anyone. My purpose is to love him unconditionally, and to stand up and speak up for his rights. I’ll always have his back! – Jaron Terry from Hillard, OH

Our son was born 11 months after I was diagnosed with melanoma and 7 1/2 months after we were told I was all clear. He is the perfect gift, born on Christmas morning. God gave us a warm, loving, happy, compassionate, caring son who was just what we needed after a very scary year. God always knows what is best for us and our gay son is a true blessing. – Tricia Willard from San Carlos, Sonora, Mexico

For years we tried to be the “perfect” conservative, evangelical Christian family. We completely towed the party line, and that harmed all of us. The church became irrelevant to us as we went through some very dark times, and once we left we realized how wrong its teachings were–so opposite of light and life. Now we have exited, our gay son has a partner, and we have never experienced so much freedom and love. My message is that God made us in his image, and that means good and intelligent, crowned with glory and honor. Use that intelligence to live in the truth of who you are and not as an institution says you should! – Laura Sparks Turner from Reno, NV

When I found out my son was gay, I fasted & prayed for a year for him to change. The result was that God used that year to change me, not him. He didn’t need to change, he’s perfect just the way he is. God popped that nice, safe ‘Evangelical Bubble’ I was in so I could see the truth. I now look at people through the lens of love like Jesus did rather than the lens of fear that the church does. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful, sweet, funny, talented gay son. I love him with my whole heart and wouldn’t want him to change for the world. – Kim Kendall from Ferndale, WA

My daughter was born into a Southern Baptist family. Members of my family had donated land for churches, built church additions, regularly tithed, and were called to the ministry at young ages. I, too, had felt the call to ministry, but in the S.B. Faith, women are not allowed. I transferred to the Presbyterian church, and met my daughter’s father because he played on the church basketball team and worked at the same place I did. Our child was born after we had been married 3 years. A perfect girl! But later we found she has Rett Syndrome, a spectrum of disabilities. After high school, she came out as a lesbian. I always knew she was gay. She loves God, grew up in the church, and still loves everyone there. But she is not comfortable with their judgmental attitudes and comments. We stay home on Sundays because of that. We went from being very active (Elder, Choir Director, Treasurer, Confirmation teacher, etc.) to no involvement at all. Here is the kicker. No one knows she is gay. She cannot speak because of her disability. We do not out her to people she feels uncomfortable with because of her vulnerability. What she cannot handle is the jokes and comments about other LGBT people. – Susan Cloys Seaman from Whitefish, MT

What I want others to know about me and my family is that we love our son for who God has made him to be. We will not try and change him because that would be trying to change God. – Kelly McKinsey from Bakersfield, CA

I had concern when my child was 3. He was a delight and brought us so much joy. The number one thing I knew to do was to protect him from church beliefs. Whenever I hear, “We love your child but…” I want to walk away and I know that person is not safe. God has given us a heart of love and released us from fear. – Debby Laird McCrary from Orlando, FL

When our son first came out at age 19 we felt very much alone at our church and unsure where to turn for advice. We pretty quickly grasped that his being gay was not a “choice” and not a sin, despite what we had always been told. We found support online, through the Gay Christian Network, Reformation Project and later Freed Hearts. Five years later he’s happy and successful and we have a great relationship. – Kim Stone Haltiwanger from Athens, GA

What I want others to know about me, my kids, and my family is that our mutual love and trust are unshakable. We encourage each other to be the best, most authentic versions of ourselves, because that is why we exist. We are who God made us to be, which means we honor the truest and best in everyone we meet. These are our primary values, and for me these are Christian values. They coincide nicely with the best in all of the other major religions as well, which is how I know we’ve got this much right in our lives. Everyone deserves a place at the table of human fellowship. – Janine Sarah Moore from Freehold, NJ

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Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. Our official motto is “We Are Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears” The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 1,700 members. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

I was raised in the heart of the Bible belt, the buckle, if you will, in Middle TN. I am the oldest of 8 kids and have been in a mother role all my life. I had parents that were more interested in getting high than raising a family. The church was a constant in my life until it turned on me when I left an abusive marriage in my early 30s, with two young children. I was raised thinking that the church, Gods family, would be there for you no matter what. The hole that left in my heart, life and spiritual walk is still there, though not as gaping as it once was.

Co-parenting with an abusive ex has its own challenges but as my youngest grew, she shared with me that she liked girls in a way girls are supposed to like boys. I told her that sometimes we like some people more than others. She seemed content with that answer and dropped to my knees that night before bed pleading with God to remove these feelings from my child. That life, those people were treated so horribly, why would He allow that to be added onto the difficult experience of being human?

The first time I ever heard of anyone being gay, was at the height of the AIDS epidemic. The “Christians” were claiming it was Gods punishment for being homosexual. I remember thinking no one would choose that life on purpose. People, humans, only want love and acceptance. I continued to pray through the years over my youngest, for my youngest, pleading for this to change in her heart. She never really brought it up again, but the thoughts that plagued her little mind were “why can’t I stand to pee like boys” “why do I have to dress like a girl” “why did I have to be a girl, I hate being a girl” “why don’t I have a beard to think with” that one still makes me laugh…. All these thoughts bring me right back to my childhood of neglect and trauma and the promise I made to my future children, that I would always listen to them, no matter what!

My wonderful, amazing daughter came to me her freshman year of high school, the day before her 15th birthday and told me she was gay. She followed with she couldn’t get anyone pregnant, if I was looking for an upside. I wasn’t at all surprised by this news. I hugged her tight and said I love you, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.

As she navigated her first relationship that also happened to be a lesbian one, I also began to figure out that she was transgender. The pieces just all fell into place in my mind, as we planned for her first military ball and I agreed to let her wear her first tux. I really didn’t want to relive the nightmare of my first son’s wedding and how sad she was in that dress. Her walk resembled Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost when she walking down the street. My heart breaks a bit as I remember all the damage I had caused by making her wear dresses, etc on special occasions. I was hoping one day the “girlyness” would stick.

As I helped my daughter dress in traditionally male attire to escort her girlfriend to the military ball, I noticed her eyes starting to shine, finally. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t figured it out before now. As they posed for pictures, I had never seen my child happier as the day we had a “Footloose” kinda day.

I have a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The group is called Serendipitydodah for Moms and was created in June 2014 for moms of LGBTQ kids. The group has more than 2,000 moms and is a place where a lot of support and information is shared. A simple, but thorough, explanation of the seven scriptures that are often referred to as “The Clobber Verses” is one of the most frequently requested resources. The following is from a booklet written by Janet Edmonds and is one of the best explanations of “The Clobber Verses” I have come across. Janet uses and cites well respected, credible resources to compose a concise, thorough, easy to understand explanation of these verses. One thing I especially like is the short summary that is included near the end as I find it very easy to share with others.

Please note that I am sharing this with Janet’s permission.

An Analysis of the Seven Scriptures Often Referred to as “The Clobber Verses”

Some Christians believe the Bible tells us that homosexuals are sinners. The current trend of increased acceptance of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ) community is distressing to these Christians who sincerely want to follow the Bible. They feel it’s wrong to encourage homosexuals in any way because it would mean going against God’s Word. This is one of the main reasons some people have so much trouble accepting homosexuals. They are using the words that appear in the scriptures in the Bible, at face value, to condemn homosexuals. Does the Bible actually condemn caring, consensual homosexual relationships? What was the original intent of these laws, lessons and guidelines written in the Bible so long ago?

This post examines seven scripture passages sometimes quoted that appear to some individuals to take a negative view of homosexuality. The work of several authors will be used who have studied the Greek or Hebrew words that appeared in the original texts. In addition, these authors have taken into consideration the customs, beliefs, religions and cultures of the time the Bible was written, in order to explain the original intent of the authors, as they wrote the laws and stories of the Bible centuries ago.

When the Bible was written, the Hebrew culture basically ignored the concept of a loving, committed, adult, homosexual relationship. One author, James Brownson, has pointed out that the Bible is essentially silent in addressing the contemporary experience of a consensual, same sex relationship. (Brownson, pg. 41) In addition, the Bible doesn’t use any words that explicitly mean “homosexual”, nor does it specifically talk about rules concerning equal same-sex relationships. The question for us to answer is, what was the original intent of the ancient Jewish and early Christian authors who wrote the books of the Bible and how do these texts apply to homosexuals today?

The Bible is a living book and as Christians we can use the teachings of Jesus to help us interpret it. Author Adam Hamilton said that he believes it is acceptable to raise questions and to wrestle with the Bible when something in its teaching seems inconsistent with, among other things, the character of God revealed in Jesus Christ. (Hamilton, pg. 298) According to Jack Rogers, when we read the Bible through the lens of Jesus’ redemptive life and ministry, we can see that both the Old and New Testaments command us to accept those who are different from ourselves. (Rogers, pg. 15) We should remember that Jesus was often challenged to interpret difficult questions concerning laws of the scriptures.

Jesus teaches us that loving each other is far more important than strictly following Jewish laws. He said that the first commandment is to love God and the second commandment is to love others as you love yourself. This booklet will give people who want to follow God’s Word in the Bible an opportunity to see that the Bible does not condemn consensual homosexual relationships. This information allows people to dig deeper than just the face value of the words of these texts in the Bible. Included here will be research, historical facts and insights about the Bible from various authors that may be surprising to some readers. As Christians we know that God is always working on us and that lessons for us can be revealed through reading the Bible. It is often from reading the words of the Bible that we are taught how to be the best we can be, so that we can truly love our neighbor, as we follow Christ.

All of us can admit that through the centuries Christians have made changes in the way we interpret the Bible on some important issues, such as slavery, the role of women and food laws. Jack Rogers asks, “How could most Christians for more than 200 years accept slavery and the subordination of women with not a hint that there was any other view in the Bible?” (Rogers, pg. 17) He explains that in the case of slavery, society accepted a pervasive prejudice and read it back into Scripture, with tragic consequences for those to whom these verses were applied. (Rogers, pg. 18) The text of I Timothy 6:1 requires slaves to “consider their masters worthy of full respect”. (Other similar passages that support slavery are found in Ephesians 6:5-9, Colossians 3:22-24 and 1 Peter 2:18.) In the ancient world, slavery was a given, but in the modern world we recognize that the master-slave relationship is a violation of the gospel and of human rights. Concerning women, I Corinthians 14:34-35 states that “women should be silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be subordinate, as the law also says. If there is anything they desire to know, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.” The author of this passage, Paul, may have originally had a point to make, but today if we took this lesson to heart, where would our churches be? Women are often the backbone of the leadership in our modern churches. The contributions and importance of women pastors and women leaders in our society are impossible to ignore. We have certainly changed our attitudes and left behind this instruction by Paul. In reference to food habits, most Christians have decided not to observe the kosher laws found in the Old Testament pertaining to clean and unclean food. So there are rules and laws written in the Bible that we no longer follow. Our interpretations of the Bible can be changed.

Whether we realize it or not, we are each interpreting Scripture and making decisions as to how strictly to follow the laws in the Bible every day. Can we change the way we interpret scripture passages that appear to condemn homosexuality just as we were able to change our attitudes on slavery, women and food laws, despite the fact that some Bible passages appear to be to the contrary? What were the original authors trying to teach us? Are there other ways to interpret these scriptures rather than assuming we know what these words from so long ago mean for us today? Knowledge of the ancient culture which surrounded the original authors will certainly help us answer this question by shedding light on what these passages meant to their original audience.

Unfortunately, some of the writing here may be disturbing because by necessity it will focus on sexual relations. Many stories and parts of the Bible are disturbing, but we need to take a deeper look at these uncomfortable sections to learn what the Bible authors really meant and how this might allow us to compassionately interpret these scriptures for our lives today.

The Bible quotes are taken from the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV).

A brief SUMMARY about each of the seven Scripture passages can be found near the end of this document.

Genesis 19:1-14 and 24-26

The two angels came to Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of Sodom. When Lot saw them, he rose to meet them, and bowed down with his face to the ground. 2 He said, “Please, my lords, turn aside to your servant’s house and spend the night, and wash your feet; then you can rise early and go on your way.” They said, “No; we will spend the night in the square.” 3 But he urged them strongly; so they turned aside to him and entered his house; and he made them a feast, and baked unleavened bread, and they ate. 4 But before they lay down, the men of the city, the men of Sodom, both young and old, all the people to the last man, surrounded the house; 5 and they called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, so that we may know them.” 6 Lot went out of the door to the men, shut the door after him, 7 and said, “I beg you, my brothers, do not act so wickedly. 8 Look, I have two daughters who have not known a man; let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please; only do nothing to these men, for they have come under the shelter of my roof.” 9 But they replied, “Stand back!” And they said, “This fellow came here as an alien, and he would play the judge! Now we will deal worse with you than with them.” Then they pressed hard against the man Lot, and came near the door to break it down. 10 But the men inside reached out their hands and brought Lot into the house with them, and shut the door. 11 And they struck with blindness the men who were at the door of the house, both small and great, so that they were unable to find the door. 12 Then the men said to Lot, “Have you anyone else here? Sons-in-law, sons, daughters, or anyone you have in the city – bring them out of the place. 13 For we are about to destroy this place, because the outcry against its people has become great before the LORD, and the LORD has sent us to destroy it.” 14 So Lot went out and said to his sons-in-law, who were to marry his daughters, “Up, get out of this place; for the LORD is about to destroy the city.”. . . 24 Then the LORD rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from the LORD out of heaven; 25 and he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground. 26 But Lot’s wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

This story of Sodom and Gomorrah is about hospitality and the social requirement of helping visitors. When reviewed carefully it becomes evident that it is not a story having anything to do with homosexuality. The men in the town decide to do one of the most inhospitable things possible – rape. It would be unlikely for all the men of Sodom to be homosexuals, so why would they want “to know” (the euphemism used in the Bible to mean sexual relations) the two foreigners/angels except to have forced sexual relations with them. In the Near East during ancient times (and today in wars occurring in Africa and the Middle East) soldiers commonly used homosexual rape as a way of humiliating their enemies. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 5, citing Greenberg, pgs. 130, 147) The soldiers wanted to break the spirit of their defeated enemies and “treat them like women” by raping them. The practice was not driven by sexual desire, but by brutality and hatred toward the enemy. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 5) The sin of Sodom is about hard-heartedness, abuse, insult to the traveler, and inhospitality to the needy (Helminiak, pg. 46), not about committed homosexual relationships that exist today.

One of the most disturbing parts of the story occurs when Lot offers his two daughters “who have not known a man,” to the town crowd. The story assumes that Lot is expected by societal norms to keep the visitors safe and that they have priority over his own daughters. Lot’s offer makes graphically clear the value of women, relative to men, in that culture. In this story women are not protected, and women become the means by which men are protected. (deGroot, pg. 22; Dwyer, pg. 8) In addition, if the men of the town were homosexuals, Lot would certainly have known that they would have no sexual interest in his daughters. Adam Hamilton states that he doubted any of the men of Sodom would have considered themselves homosexual by our definition today. Genesis 18 tells us the people of Sodom regularly practiced evil. This attempted gang rape was just the latest in a long line of horrible things the people of Sodom had done. (Hamilton, pg. 268)

Sodom is mentioned elsewhere in the Bible (Isaiah 1:10-17 and 3:9, Jeremiah 23:14 and Zephaniah 2:8-11) but the sins of Sodom, as identified in those texts, are injustice, oppression, partiality, adultery, lies and encouraging evildoers. (Helminiak, pg. 49) Even Jesus makes reference to Sodom in Matthew 10:5-15 as he talks about the rejection of God’s messengers (Helminiak, pg. 49) but he, also, makes reference only to the town’s lack of hospitality. “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet as you leave that house or town. Truly I tell you, it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah on the Day of Judgment than for that town.” Jesus is teaching his disciples that they will face rejection and predicts judgment against those who won’t listen to God’s word. If the main lesson to be drawn from the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is an anti-homosexual message, wouldn’t Jesus have mentioned that? Since he didn’t, we are drawn to the conclusion that the Genesis passage has nothing to do with committed, homosexual relationships as we know them today.

Judges 19:1-30

This is a story, even more disturbing than the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. The two stories have many parallels. (To save space, only parts of this scripture will be included.) During the story, a man, his slave and his concubine (also referred to as his wife) travel to Gibeah, a Jewish city, where they thought they would be safe. They are finally taken in by an old man. This quotation starts with verse 22:

22 While they were enjoying themselves, the men of the city, a perverse lot, surrounded the house and started pounding on the door. They said to the old man, the master of the house, “Bring out the man who came into your house so that we may have intercourse with him.” 23 And the man of the house went out to them and said to them, “No, my brothers, do not act so wickedly. Since this man is my guest, do not do this vile thing. 24 Here are my virgin daughter and his concubine, let me bring them out now. Ravish them and do whatever you want to them, but against this man do not do such a vile thing.” 25 But the men would not listen to him. So the man seized his concubine and put her out to them.

The story ends with the brutal rape and death of the concubine. The same lessons can be learned from this passage in Judges, as in the story of Sodom in Genesis, that rules and expectations of hospitality are the key theme, while homosexuality has nothing to do with this scripture. Rape, as a form of brutality and power, is another theme of both stories. The near rape of the two men/angels in Genesis 19 (the story of Sodom) and the gang rape of the concubine/wife in Judges 19 assist in shaping an understanding of how society should not act in Old Testament days. (Dwyer, pg. 19) The ancient authors wrote these stories to provide a powerful lesson that hospitality to the outsider was very important for the Hebrew culture. Here in Judges, there are no lessons whatsoever that are related to consensual, homosexual relationships.

Leviticus 18:22

You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.

Leviticus 20:13

If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death; their blood is upon them.

To interpret these passages of Leviticus, it’s important to know that this book of the Bible focuses on ritual purity for the Israelites, and setting guidelines for the Israelites to distinguish themselves from their pagan neighbors, the Egyptians and Canaanites, who lived in the lands before they were settled by the Jews. This is shown in Leviticus Chapters 18 and 20 by three specific scripture passages (Leviticus 18:2-3, 18:24 and 20:23) that state that the Israelites should never do what the Egyptians and Canaanites did. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 10) Biblical historians tell us that the Canaanite religions (which surrounded the Israelites at the time Leviticus was written) often included fertility rites consisting of sexual rituals in their temples. Sex with temple prostitutes, family members, and homosexual sex was performed at the Canaanite temples and thought to bring good luck to help crop and livestock production. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 11).

To Bible readers of today, the word “abomination” conjures up disgust, horror, or evil, but to the ancient Hebrews the word we translate as “abomination” simply meant unclean, taboo, or forbidden. The Old Testament uses the word “abomination” in reference to numerous things that were forbidden for the ancient Israelites, many of which make little or no sense to us today. For example, the Bible declares it an “abomination” to sow a field with two different kinds of seeds, or to weave a cloth from two different kinds of fibers (Leviticus 19:19 and Deuteronomy 22:11). It also uses the word “abomination” in Leviticus 11 in reference to a long list of foods that the Israelites were forbidden to eat, including shrimp, crab, pork, rabbit and many kinds of birds. (Helminiak, pg. 58) In discussing the Levitical texts that declare it an “abomination” for a man to “lie with a male as with a woman,” Jack Rogers points out that all these texts were concerned with “ritual purity” and were intended to distinguish Israel from its pagan neighbors. (Rogers, pg. 69; Helminiak, pg. 58) Rogers sets this concern over and against the teachings of Jesus, who is concerned not with ritual purity, but with purity of the heart (Matthew 15:10-20). (Rogers, pgs. 68-69; Brownson, pg. 42).

It is difficult to recapture the meaning of “clean” and “unclean,” “pure” and “impure,” as it was viewed in ancient Israel. (Helminiak, pg. 57) The ancient Hebrew people had very particular ideas about man and woman in relation to purity laws. Men were not allowed to touch women during menstruation (Leviticus 15:19). For a man to have sex with another man was to mix and confuse the standards of maleness and femaleness, and go against the accepted gender roles and disrupt the ideal order of things and thus was unclean, taboo or forbidden. It was against the purity laws and was therefore, by definition, an “abomination.” (Helminiak, pg. 58) The predominant topic of the Book of Leviticus was holiness and Chapters 17-27 are instructions from priests to the people of Israel. (Dwyer, pg. 24) If the Israelites did not follow these rules, they would not be holy and according to their ancient views, a consequence of not being holy would be the loss of the land that was being gifted by God. (Dwyer, pg. 25) Keeping the land given to them by God was an enormous priority and that’s part of the reason that the penalty of death was attached to breaking purity laws as written in Leviticus 20:13.

In addition, the growth in the number of people within the Israelite community was crucial to the survival of Israel. (Dwyer, pg. 30) Hartley argues that this is one of the chief reasons for these rules about sex and sexuality. The survival of the nation of Israel was at stake if it did not reproduce in appropriate numbers. (Dwyer, pg. 30, citing Hartley, pgs. 298-299) The androcentric (male-centered) mentality of the time and the cultural and societal need to increase the population of God’s chosen people led the priestly authors of Leviticus to want to control women’s reproductive capabilities, as well as to protect “the seed,” thereby increasing procreation. (Dwyer, pg. 31, citing Cooper & Scholz, pg. 38) Again, this may have been why the authors decided to attach the death penalty to what could be seen as men wasting their “seed.” For a man to act as a woman, and to act in a manner that did not keep the power-center in the man, would be shameful. This action would bring humiliation not only upon the man but on Jewish society and would interfere with how power was structured and understood. This type of behavior would challenge the patriarchal system that existed in that society and culture. (Dwyer, pg. 29)

An important point to remember is that these verses of Leviticus were saying, “Do not participate in the kind of immoral sex that was done in pagan temples because it is unclean and taboo in our Hebrew society and does not keep us different from the pagan societies that surround us.” Back in ancient times it’s understandable why the Israelite authors of Leviticus would include these rules in their writing, but for today it is evident that they were not referring to a committed, consensual, homosexual relationship.

Romans 1:18-27 18

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and wickedness of those who by their wickedness suppress the truth. 19 For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. 20 Ever since the creation of the world his eternal power and divine nature, invisible though they are, have been understood and seen through the things he has made. So they are without excuse; 21 for though they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their senseless minds were darkened. 22 Claiming to be wise, they became fools; 23 and they exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling a mortal human being or birds or four-footed animals or reptiles.

24 Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the degrading of their bodies among themselves, 25 because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

26 For this reason God gave them up to degrading passions. Their women exchanged natural intercourse for unnatural, 27 and in the same way also the men, giving up natural intercourse with women, were consumed with passion for one another. Men committed shameless acts with men and received in their own persons the due penalty for their error.

Miner and Connoley suggest that in this scripture the author, Paul, is moving through a logical progression. He is talking about heterosexual people who refused to acknowledge and glorify God, began worshipping idols, were more interested in earthly pursuits than spiritual pursuits and gave up their natural, i.e., innate, passion for the opposite sex, in an unbounded search for pleasure. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 14) The behavior Paul was addressing here is explicitly associated with idol worship (probably temple prostitution) and with heterosexual people who, in an unbridled search for pleasure (or because of religious rituals associated with their idolatry) broke away from their natural sexual orientation, participating in promiscuous sex with anyone available. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 14)

Dwyer points out that in the Greco-Roman community to which Paul was writing, sexual relations between males were a given. These sexual relations between men were a part of the cultural life, the religious life, and the political life. (Dwyer, pg. 55, citing Byrne, pg. 65) But these were not the committed homosexual relationships that we see today. In that culture, their only perspective was that “natural intercourse meant the penetration of a subordinate person by a dominant one.” (Dwyer, pg. 55, citing Jewett, pg. 176) The laws at the time in Rome allowed a master to demand sexual services from any slave, male or female. “Intercourse between masters and their male slaves was normal and in accordance with the standards of a male-dominated society.” (Dwyer, pg. 55, citing Jewett, pg. 180) Roman culture was very hierarchal with those in power having free reign to act out sexually as they pleased among those who were of a lower cultural and societal standing. In Romans 1, Paul was speaking to the Gentile Christians and setting forth a counter-cultural stance that differed from the conduct of the surrounding community. (Dwyer, pg. 55) Paul is not talking about mutuality or love in a homosexual relationship. He is talking about the use and misuse of power and authority, and how that impacts one’s relationship with God. (Dwyer, pg. 57) Paul is saying that early Christians must worship God appropriately, not “use” each other in a sexual or other inappropriate way.

Adam Hamilton’s view is that when Paul takes up the issue of same-sex relationships in Romans, he seems to have in mind ritual sexual encounters tied to pagan worship/idolatry and the idea that what was natural or normative was clean and what was not natural was unclean and sinful. It has been thought by many that Paul was describing ritual prostitution practiced in some of the pagan temples. Hamilton goes on to say that if this is what Paul was condemning, then most would agree with his condemnation of these practices. But these practices, and the motivations behind them, are very different from two people of the same sex, sharing their lives as loving companions. (Hamilton, pgs. 270-271)

Some people interpret Romans 1:26 as referring to female-to-female sex, that is, lesbianism. Helminiak supports a very different interpretation. According to Helminiak, verse 26 refers to women and men engaging in sexual practices that were not the ones people normally performed in that culture. (Helminiak, pg. 79) He believes the Greek phrase para physin, translated as “unnatural” in Romans 1, would more accurately be translated as atypical, unusual, peculiar, out of the ordinary, or uncharacteristic. (Helminiak, pg. 80) The passage would therefore mean “simply that both the women and the men gave up the expected way of having sex for something else, whatever it might be.” (Helminiak, pg. 87) So Paul’s mention of “out of the ordinary” female sex might refer to heterosexual sex during menstruation, sex with an uncircumcised man, heterosexual oral or anal sex, or anything else that would not be considered the standard or expected way of having heterosexual sex. If verse 26 actually does refer to lesbianism, the passage is quite puzzling because lesbianism is not mentioned anywhere else in the Bible, including the parts of Leviticus (discussed above) that declare sex between males to be an “abomination.” Brownson thinks that sex between females is not mentioned elsewhere because, unlike male-to-male sex, which was linked to pagan cultic practices, there were no assumptions regarding honor and shame surrounding sex between women, as there were if a man did something a woman was supposed to do. (Brownson, pg. 272) The bottom line here is that translation difficulties make the meaning of Romans 1:26 uncertain, and its supposed ban on sex between women is not supported anywhere else in the Bible. For these reasons, the Romans passage should not be relied upon as support for a blanket condemnation of lesbian sex. (Helminiak, pg. 89)

According to Rogers, Paul’s condemnation of immoral sexual behavior cannot be appropriately applied to contemporary gay or lesbian Christians who are not idolaters, who love God and who seek to live in thankful obedience to God. Today we know of gay and lesbian Christians who truly worship and serve the one true God and yet still affirm in positive ways their identity as gay and lesbian people. Paul apparently knew of no homosexual Christians, as we do today. (Rogers, pg. 76, citing Siker, pg. 143) Condemning the LGBTQ community was not Paul’s intent.

I Corinthians 6:9-10

9 Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived! Fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, sodomites, 10 thieves, the greedy, drunkards, revilers, robbers – none of these will inherit the kingdom of God.

In this passage, Paul lists several types of people he regards as sinful, and there are two words in the original Greek text that are relevant here, malakoi (the plural of malakos) and arsenokoitai (the plural of arsenokoites). Many people do not realize that the Bible does not contain a word equivalent to our English word “homosexual.” (Brownson, pg. 273) The concept of homosexuality, in the sense of a sexual orientation or in the context of a caring relationship toward others of the same gender, was unknown in the ancient world. Instead, this I Corinthians list of vices includes words that reflect sexual roles that were part of male behavior in the culture of the first century. (Brownson, pgs. 273-74)

The first word is malakoi, which literally means “soft” and is translated in the NRSV as “male prostitutes.” (Miner & Connoley, pg. 18) In terms of morality, during the first century, malakos referred to attributes such as laziness, degeneracy, decadence or lack of courage. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 17, citing Martin, Arsenokoites and Malakos, pg. 124). In the patriarchal culture at that time, being “soft like a woman” was a common insult. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 17) First century Romans believed that any man who was more interested in pleasure than in duty, was woman-like. So Paul may have been referring to men who were weak or effeminate, such as those unfit for military service. In fact, the King James Version translates the word malakoi as “effeminate.”

Malakoi was also sometimes used to refer to male prostitutes, particularly young boys who were the passive partners in sexual relationships with men. (Dwyer, pg. 63) It was common at that time for married heterosexual men to keep a boy, often one who had been captured and castrated, for sexual pleasure. (Dwyer, pg. 63) So Paul may have been referring specifically to male prostitutes rather than soft men in general (Miner & Connoley, pg. 18), and this would certainly be appropriate on a list of sins. Of course, this sort of abuse would be abhorrent and intolerable to modern Christians, but it does not refer to consensual relationships between same-sex couples.

The second Greek word used here is “arsenokoites,” translated in the NRSV by the ambiguous term “sodomites.” Arsenokoites is a composite of two Greek words, arseno, meaning “male,” and koites, meaning “bed,” with the connotation of sexual intercourse. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 18, Helminiak, pg. 109) But when these two parts of the word are put together, the meaning is unclear. It may refer specifically to a man who has sex with another man, or it may be referring to a man who has sex with anyone, outside of marriage, including possibly a woman. Think, for example, of the English word “understand.” It is composed of two words, “under” and “stand,” but its meaning does not relate either to the act of standing, or to being under something. (Rogers, pg. 70)

One way to learn a word’s definition is to analyze it in other contexts. However, the word arsenokoites is extremely rare, appearing in only one other place in the Bible, I Timothy, which will be discussed below. The Greek word, arsenokoites, is not found anywhere else in Greek literature prior to the first century, when these passages of scripture were written. It appeared in only a few writings after that, most of which were derived from the vice list which appears in I Corinthians, without any context to shed light on its meaning. (Miner & Connoley, pgs. 18-20; Brownson, pg. 42)

There are, however, a few stories in non-Biblical Greek literature that suggest the word arsenokoites refers to instances where one male uses his superior power or position to take sexual advantage of another. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 20) Many scholars therefore conclude that the term refers to forcible male-on-male sex, or to sexual exploitation involving prostitution. (Miner & Connoley, pgs. 20-21; Helminiak, pgs. 109-110; Rogers, pgs. 70-71, citing Martin, Arsenokoites and Malakos, pg. 121) In fact, several scholars emphasize the link between these two terms (malakos and arsenokoites) and the common Greek practice of pederasty, which is the sexual use of younger boys (possibly the word malakos) by older men (possibly the word arsenokoites). (Helminiak, pg. 110) In this context, these words are certainly appropriate on a list of sinful vices.

Another possible meaning derives from the fact that in the Septuagint (the Greek translation from Hebrew of the Old Testament), the two words arseno and koites are used separately in the Leviticus passages, previously discussed, that refer to a man lying with a man. (Dwyer, pg. 63) This raises the possibility that arsenokoites may be a shorthand way, in Greek, of referring to the acts forbidden in Leviticus. (Helminiak, pg. 111) It’s possible that I Corinthians 6:9 and I Timothy 1:10 (discussed below) may be repeating the prohibition in Leviticus 18:22, which (as we have seen) was specific to Jewish purity laws.

In short, no one is really sure what the words malakos and arsenokoites mean in this I Corinthians passage. The most that can be said, with any certainty, is that the passage appears to condemn sexual abuse and exploitation (Helminiak, pg. 113), a position with which all modern Christians should readily agree. Given this uncertainty, the varying English translations of these obscure Greek words are a very slender reed on which to rely in condemning all homosexuals as sinners. (Helminiak, pg. 107) Ancient abusive sexual practices should not be used to justify the condemnation of consensual, committed, same-sex unions today. (Brownson, pg. 43) The meanings of the words are too vague to justify this kind of sweeping negative generalization about homosexuality based on Paul’s list of sinners. (Rogers, pg. 71, citing Nissinen, pg. 118)

I Timothy 1:8-11

8 Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it legitimately. 9 This means understanding that the law is laid down not for the innocent but for the lawless and disobedient, for the godless and sinful, for the unholy and profane, for those who kill their father or mother, for murderers, 10 fornicators, sodomites, slave traders, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to the sound teaching 11 that conforms to the glorious gospel of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me.

These verses from I Timothy are similar to the passage from I Corinthians 6:9-10, discussed above, in that they contain a list of various sinners. Were the authors specifically saying that homosexuals, in an equal relationship, were sinners, too? Again, we must go back to the original Greek words and culture of the time to help us understand if the author’s intent had anything to do with caring homosexual relationships of today.

The relevant Greek words that appear in verse 10 are pornos, arsenokoites and andrapodistes. (Dwyer, pg. 76) Over the centuries, these words have been translated into English in a number of different ways. The New Revised Standard Version (NRSV, quoted above) translates them as “fornicators, sodomites, slave traders.” The King James Version (KJV) uses “whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind, for menstealers.” The New American Standard Bible (Updated) (NASB or NAU) uses “immoral men and homosexuals and kidnappers,” while the English Standard Version (ESV) uses “sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers.” The New International Version (NIV) uses “for adulterers and perverts, for slave traders.” These varying translations illustrate the difficulties inherent in grasping the original meaning of this passage.

The first word, pornos, refers to a male having sex outside of marriage, that is, fornication or adultery. (Dwyer, pg. 76)

We have already discussed the second word, arsenokoites, and the difficulties in translating it, in the preceding section on I Corinthians. To review, the only relative certainty is that this word refers to male same-sex relationships that involved some level of exploitation, inequality or abuse. (Brownson, pg. 43, citing Martin, Sex and the Single Savior, pg. 43) It would be wrong to compare this kind of abusive same-sex relationship to a committed, loving, homosexual relationship.

The third Greek term, andrapodistes, is translated as “slave traders.” In the first century, both girls and boys were commonly kidnapped or captured and sold into sexual slavery. (Helminiak, pg. 113; Brownson, pg. 43) This may be why the word occurs next to arsenokoites in the list of sins in I Timothy 1:10, since both involved sexual exploitation. Many scholars believe that the three terms in this list belong together: kidnappers or slave dealers (andrapodistes) acting as pimps for their captured and castrated boys (pornos) to service the men (arsenokoites) who use these unfortunate male prostitutes. (Brownson, pg. 274)

The author of I Timothy was certainly condemning the stock list of vices drawn from the culture at large. Scholars are in agreement that the lists from both I Corinthians and I Timothy were not originally Paul’s. (Helminiak, pg. 112) He used these lists to encourage the early Christians to be good people by reminding them of the evils of the day, including same-sex behavior that involved exploitation, inequality or abuse. (Helminiak, pg. 112) Must all homosexual people be considered sinful just because the sex acts of first-century people known as malakoi and arsenokoitai were regarded as such? It is justified to have a negative view of these abusive ancient sexual practices. But this attitude cannot be carried over to justify the condemnation of consensual, same-sex relationships. It is too much of a leap from this passage of scripture to a blanket condemnation of same-sex relationships that are equal, committed and loving.

A SUMMARY of Each of the Seven Scriptures Often Referred to as “The Clobber Verses”

As we have seen, the seven Scriptures sometimes claimed to be about homosexuality are not at all related to the consensual, committed same sex relationships we see today.

Genesis 19:1-14, 24-26: The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is an example of what happens when God’s people do not live up to God’s expectations. It is teaching a lesson about the importance of hospitality to the stranger. The cruel men of the town were planning to rape the visitors and were definitely not homosexuals.

Judges 19:1-30: This story parallels that of Sodom and Gomorrah and provides an example of how the townspeople plot to rape the visitor. It is yet another example for the ancient Jewish culture of how not to act by showing the extreme inhospitable behavior of the town. Some mistakenly interpret the townsmen’s behavior to be somehow related to homosexuality, but this was an example of the brutality of one group of men toward a group of visitors.

Leviticus 18:22 and … 4. Leviticus 20:13: These texts state that a man should not lie with another man, and that if they do it is an abomination. The rules were meant to set the Israelites apart from the Canaanites and Egyptians who at that time participated in fertility rites in their temples that involved different forms of sex, including homosexual sex. Male-to-male sex was seen to mix the roles of man and woman and such “mixing of kinds” during ancient times was defined as an “abomination,” in the same way that mixing different kinds of seeds in a field was an abomination. This scripture occurs in a section of Leviticus called “The Holiness Code” which has as its main purpose to set out laws to keep Israel different from the surrounding cultures. (Helminiak, pg. 54)

Romans 1:18-27: The behavior Paul was addressing here is explicitly associated with idol worship (probably temple prostitution) and with heterosexual people who searched for pleasure and broke away from their natural sexual orientation or their natural ways of having sex (both male and female) and participated in promiscuous sex with anyone available or used methods not culturally accepted. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 14) In the surrounding culture it was common for men of a higher status to take sexual advantage of male slaves or male prostitutes. Here Paul is instructing his readers to keep pure and honor God. Paul is talking about the use and misuse of power and authority and how that impacts one’s relationship with God. (Dwyer, pg. 58) Paul didn’t have in mind specifically prohibiting consensual same-sex relationships because they were never considered in his cultural context.

I Corinthians 6:9-10: Paul’s list of sinners includes malakoi and arsenokoites. Malakoi means “soft” and is also interpreted as male prostitutes. Arsenokoites is difficult to translate, but it probably refers to a male using his superiority to take sexual advantage of another male. Paul is right to condemn these sexual activities, but this has nothing to do with a consensual homosexual relationship.

I Timothy 1:8-11: This passage is similar to I Corinthians, above. This time it is a list of sins (as opposed to sinners) and includes the words pornos, arsenokoites and andrapodistes. Pornos most likely refers to a male having sex outside of marriage. Arsenokoites can probably be defined as male same-sex relationships that involved some level of exploitation, inequality or abuse. Andrapodistes can be translated as “slave traders.” Scholars believe that the three terms were used together in that slave dealers (andrapodistes) would be acting as pimps for captured boys (pornos) who would be taken advantage of by powerful men (arsenokoites). (Brownson, pg. 274) These are sins that certainly need to be addressed, but this Bible passage does not relate to homosexuals in a committed relationship.

An Example from the Bible of Affirmation of a Sexual Minority:

Acts 8:26-39 – Philip and the Ethiopian Eunuch

26 Then an angel of the Lord said to Philip, “Get up and go toward the south to the road that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza.” (This is a wilderness road.) 27 So he got up and went. Now there was an Ethiopian eunuch, a court official of the Candace, queen of the Ethiopians, in charge of her entire treasury. He had come to Jerusalem to worship 28 and was returning home; seated in his chariot, he was reading the prophet Isaiah. 29 Then the Spirit said to Philip, “Go over to this chariot and join it.” 30 So Philip ran up to it and heard him reading the prophet Isaiah. He asked, “Do you understand what you are reading?” 31 He replied, “How can I, unless someone guides me?” And he invited Philip to get in and sit beside him. 32 Now the passage of the scripture that he was reading was this: (Isaiah 53:7-8) “Like a sheep he was led to the slaughter, and like a lamb silent before its shearer, so he does not open his mouth. 33 In his humiliation justice was denied him. Who can describe his generation? For his life is taken away from the earth.” 34 The eunuch asked Philip, “About whom, may I ask you, does the prophet say this, about himself or about someone else?” 35 Then Philip began to speak, and starting with this scripture, he proclaimed to him the good news about Jesus. 36 As they were going along the road, they came to some water; and the eunuch said, “Look, here is water! What is to prevent me from being baptized?” 38 He commanded the chariot to stop, and both of them, Philip and the eunuch, went down into the water, and Philip baptized him. 39 When they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord snatched Philip away; the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing.

When the New Testament was written, the term “eunuch” meant a man who, for a number of possible reasons, was incapable of or disinterested in having sexual relations with a woman. In Matthew 19:11-12, Jesus described three types of eunuchs:

those who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven,

those who have been made eunuchs by others, and

those who have been eunuchs from birth.

The first category to which Jesus may have been referring would include men (such as Roman Catholic priests) who take a vow of celibacy in order to serve God.

The second category would include those who are incapable of fathering children due to castration or injury. (See for example Deuteronomy 23:1, “one whose testicles are crushed”.)

The third category, those who are born eunuchs, would have been understood in Jesus’ day as including men with stereotypically effeminate characteristics and behavior. Jesus thus acknowledges that some people are sexual minorities from birth. (Rogers, pg. 131)

This does not mean that all eunuchs were gay but such men were commonly associated with homosexual desire. (For a more detailed discussion, see Miner & Connoley, pgs. 39-46).

Eunuchs were often placed in charge of the harem in royal households because they had no sexual interest in the ruler’s wives and concubines. The resulting access to the royal household sometimes enabled such men to move into trusted senior government positions, and this was apparently the case with the Ethiopian eunuch discussed in Acts 8. He is described as the official in charge of Ethiopia’s entire royal treasury.

When Philip encountered the eunuch, the man was seated in his chariot reading Isaiah 53, a passage he may well have connected to his own situation. (Rogers, pg. 132, citing Jennings, pg. 155) As a eunuch, he probably felt humiliated and marginalized from the rest of society to some degree. (Rogers, pg. 132, citing Jennings, pg. 155) He had perhaps even been mistreated by the religious leaders in Jerusalem, where he had gone to worship. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 43) Miner and Connoley suggest that the eunuch may have been familiar with Isaiah 56:3-5, a nearby passage that makes great promises to eunuchs who keep God’s commandments. (Miner & Connoley, pg. 43) Ancient prohibitions in the Old Testament barred eunuchs from entering the Temple or a worshipping congregation (Leviticus 21:16-23; Deuteronomy 23:1). (Rogers, pg. 133) But in Isaiah 56:4-5, the Lord specifically welcomes eunuchs who hold fast God’s covenant. (Rogers, pg. 133) The passage states:

For thus says the Lord: To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, I will give, in my house and within my walls, a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.

The Ethiopian eunuch was a trusted official, but definitely a sexual minority and possibly a homosexual. Yet an angel of the Lord and the Holy Spirit specifically directed the apostle Philip to seek out this man. Philip knew the Ethiopian was a eunuch, but there is no record that he questioned the man about what kind of eunuch he was, the gender of his preferred sexual partners, or whether he had chosen to be celibate. Instead, Philip simply proclaimed the Gospel and the Ethiopian accepted the good news immediately, thereby becoming the first recorded Gentile convert to Christianity. When the Ethiopian asked to be baptized, Philip again saw no barriers and asked no questions. He simply got out of the chariot and baptized the Ethiopian eunuch on the spot.

It is difficult to overstate the significance of this story about the Ethiopian eunuch to our modern quest for Biblical insights into homosexuality. The Holy Spirit could have chosen anyone to be the first Gentile Christian, but the Holy Spirit chose an African, sexual minority who showed faith. (Rogers, pg. 134) The conversion of this man of unconventional sexuality was of such great significance to the early church that it is included in the Books of Acts. The Bible’s unmistakable message here is one of inclusiveness and of God’s love for all people, regardless of their sexual preferences.

Conclusions:

Many Christians want to remain faithful to God’s Word through the Bible. This has caused Christians who read the Bible without background information or cultural context, to have difficulty accepting homosexuals. They see gays and lesbians as sinners who need to change and repent or remain celibate. But when we study the seven scriptures typically used to condemn homosexuals, it’s evident that none of them have anything to do with consensual homosexual relations. At no place does the Bible refer to equal homosexual relationships, simply because such relationships were not recognized by Hebrew society when the Bible was written. Rather, the authors of the Bible directed the seven passages at the ancient Jews or early Christians to teach them to follow purity laws, to worship God and not idols, to be holy and honor God, and not to exploit vulnerable people sexually. These scriptures do not pertain to loving, homosexual relationships today.

When interpreting Scripture, we can use the teachings of Jesus to redirect us so that we can understand how to apply these scriptures to our lives today. Rogers states that we need to read the Bible through the lens of Jesus’ redemptive life and ministry and accept those who are different from ourselves. (Rogers, pg. 135) When the Bible seems to teach us something that causes us to be unfair to the human rights of others is exactly when we need to re-evaluate and use the principles of Jesus to interpret these scriptures. Jesus was radical in many of the ways he interpreted the Hebrew scriptures he had learned as a boy. The New Testament scriptures show that Jesus regularly put the importance of the human individual over the ancient Hebrew scriptures and laws.

Whatever the specific behaviors the Bible is condemning, the seven passages studied here cannot be used to condemn committed same-sex unions today. These ancient texts are speaking against pagan practices, abuse, and violations of what back then were commonly embraced standards of decency and “normality.” As such, these scriptures do not refer to committed, mutual and loving same-sex unions. The Bible is actually silent when it comes to addressing the ethics of committed, consensual same-sex unions. Some may be tempted to think that these seven passages might be construed as referring to homosexuality, but as we dig deeper we see that they were rightly condemning other things: gang-rape, temple prostitution, idolatry and pederasty (sexual relationship between adult male and adolescent boy). (Hamilton, pg. 271) These were the concerns that the Biblical writers were condemning, and rightly so. These practices and the motivations behind them are very different from two same-sex people sharing their lives together in a covenant relationship. (Hamilton, pg. 271)

As a society that obtains much of our moral guidance from the Bible, we need to move beyond these seven scriptures sometimes used to condemn homosexuals. We know that these scriptures were written for the Jewish people long ago, and for the early Christians for purposes very different from those for which some try to use them today. With confidence we can interpret these ancient Bible passages using compassion and love as our guide, as Christ would ask us to do.

The author, Janet Edmonds, is a longtime member of Bethesda United Methodist Church in Bethesda, Maryland. Currently, the official policy of the United Methodist Church does not allow self-avowed practicing homosexuals to be ordained ministers, nor does it allow United Methodist clergy to officiate at same-sex marriage ceremonies or to hold these ceremonies in United Methodist churches. In addition, The United Methodist Book of Discipline currently states that, “The practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching.” Janet wrote this booklet in September 2016 to help people understand that the Bible doesn’t say that homosexuality is a sin and with the hope of someday changing these United Methodist rules. As Christians, we are asked to seek justice. It is the author’s hope that this booklet will help to bring justice for LGBTQ individuals who have been condemned far too long.