DJ Khaled's "The Keys" Book Will Make You Forget How Annoying He Is

DJ Khaled is annoying as hell, but I'll be damned if he isn't inspiring.

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DJ Khaled is probably the most annoying person in hip-hop. Ever since he announced himself (very loudly and obnoxiously) on “I’m So Hood” almost a decade ago, something has always rubbed me the wrong way about the guy.

Maybe it’s his insolent approach to music, the way he gets a bunch of rappers and producers to make formulaic “hits,” calls it an album and steals the spotlight. Maybe it’s his Donald Trump-esque delusions of grandeur, like the time he said, “when it comes to breaking new artists, no one does it better than We The Best Music!” Or maybe it’s because he shouts over every fucking song.

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However, no matter what I or any other disgruntled rap nerd thinks (shouts to the kid who wrote this on Genius four years ago), DJ Khaled is a very successful man. In 2016 alone, the We The Best CEO rode his Snapchat fame to his first No. 1 album, a spot on Beyoncé’s Formation tour, and deals with Jay Z, Epic Records and Beats 1.

Having spent the better part of the year rambling on about “major keys to success,” it was only a matter of time before DJ Khaled added “author” to his extensive résumé. On November 22, Khaled will release his very first book, The Keys, which he claims “will help you follow your vision.” Yeah, right, I thought. You mean help fill your pockets off another dumbass social media trend you created?

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Well, DJ Khaled recently published the entire first chapter of The Keys on his website for all to read. And I’m not saying I’ve done a complete one-eighty on Khaled or his book, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t come away feeling like I can unlock every last door I encounter in life.

Here’s an excerpt (unedited for impact):

“THEY” TRIED TO COUNT ME OUT. “THEY” TOLD ME I COULDN’T HAVE A HOUSE ON THE OCEAN, THAT I COULDN’T HAVE A GARDEN FILLED WITH ANGELS. “THEY” TOLD ME TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT WHATEVER MY GOALS WERE I COULDN’T REACH THEM. AND I REMEMBER IT ALL—TWENTY YEARS OF DOUBT AND HATE. IF YOU’RE READING THIS AND EXPERIENCING DOUBT AND HATE RIGHT NOW, JUST REMEMBER I’VE GONE THROUGH ALL OF IT AND TRIUMPHED. I’VE HAD “THEY” TELL ME TO MY FACE—TO MY FACE!—THAT I WOULDN’T AMOUNT TO ANYTHING. WHEN I WAS WORKING AT THE VERY BOTTOM, NOBODY WAS TRYING TO HEAR THAT I WAS GOING TO BE THE BIGGEST DJ IN MIAMI AND THE WORLD. NOBODY THOUGHT A HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT WOULD EVER BE A RECORD LABEL EXECUTIVE. EVEN LATER, WHEN I WANTED TO MAKE AN ALBUM, I HAD SO MANY PEOPLE TELL ME I’D LOST MY MIND. “THEY” ALL SAID, “KHALED, YOU CAN’T HAVE A HIP-HOP ALBUM; YOU CAN’T RAP.” BUT I FOUND A WAY. NOT ONLY THAT, I MAKE SOME OF THE BIGGEST RAP RECORDS IN HISTORY.

THEY CAN ALL GO TO HELL IF THEY DON’T FOLLOW ME BACK ON TWITT—sorry, I get carried away sometimes. Seriously, though, if you aren’t left feeling even remotely inspired to chase your goals and turn those dreams into a reality—even if those dreams are to become a loud, insufferable hip-hop mogul—then you don’t have a pulse. I don’t even care if Khaled did write this book for the check. He can have my $12, because I’m about to secure the hell out of that bag! (That means money, right?)

You still won’t find me listening to his music, but I am here for DJ Khaled’s major keys—so long as I can enjoy them in silence.

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By Andy James, who has suddenly come down with a serious case of success. Follow him on Twitter.