A Plague of Tics

Its funny how small actions, seemingly inconsequential things, slowly but inexorably move you towards a place you never knew you were going. I’ve found myself in some of those unexpected places several times in my life. Through no conscious decision, I gradually chipped away at what few moral and ethical standards I had until by the late 90’s I was essentially feral… I was a danger to myself, and anyone who got close to me. Through considerable effort and with some direction from people who’d been through it, I was able to take small, intentional actions that, over time completely change that situation.

The situation with my weight and health followed much the same path. I made decisions that put me in a hole, and I am just beginning to find a new way to live. I am learning to examine my thinking around food and exercise in way’s I actively avoided in the past. I always kind of knew that my actions were none too smart, but as long as I didn’t actually examine them I could pretend that I was unaware and continue to do exactly what I wanted to do with at least a tiny bit of plausible deny-ability. That had to change if I wanted to make any real, lasting improvements in my life, and a good bit of my effort is spent examining what I’m doing and why, so I can get better at it and not accidentally hamstring myself with another lie.

After seeing a video of myself about 6 months ago I realized that I have actually developed a bunch of physical tics as a result of my weight. These tics are caused by years of feeling like my body doesn’t fit properly. Most days I feel like my skin is an ill-fitting shirt that is constantly in need of adjustment. The extra weight behinds up at the armpits and the elbows in other places, and I’m constantly adjusting my body as well as my clothing. The end result of this looks like I have the plague of pics… I am constantly twitching. I wasn’t aware of that until I saw video. I was horrified. One of the unintended pleasant outcomes this journey I’m on is that everyday my body feels like it fits me a little better every day. It doesn’t bind quite as badly as it used to, and I have every hope that I continue to lose weight my body continues to move or functionally all those tics will gradually fade.

Once again I find myself in a place taking small continuous intentional action to get out of place I never intended to be in the first place. I do have some experience with this. Guess we’ll see…

Chris i know first hand about the “ill fitting skin shirt” and the constant adjusting……it gets better as you live more for yourself/loved-ones and when we get past what we have spent a lifetime obsessing and or medicating ourselves over…..”what people think of us when they look at us onstage”…..the best times i EVER had onstage were the rare occasions where i didnt give one single sh*t what i was wearing or what other folks thought…..heres my rule now….if i try to change clothes more than 1x then thats a warning sign……love you man and keep up the good work.

Very revealing post. Frankly everyone has tics but I think it’s interesting you have tied them to your weight. As a fellow traveller I can identify and frankly am inspired with you efforts AND progress. All while being incredibly open! Keep on doing what you are doing!

Oh…and text me if you ever want a walking partner, I live sooooo close to where you work!

I have become so infested with cysts in my liver kidneys and gallbladder I wish I could eat. I have absolutely no appetite and have to force myself to swallow a smoothie a day. I am not trying to disreguard at all your weight issues but it is all relative and even though many won’t believe this ,perhaps , I have some of the same issue’s, just the other end of the spectrum. The answer I believe is in balance. In this society I feel we have to walk this tightrope that others try to inflict on us. One person can say we are , for example , to humble and an another can view us as to narsastic. (Sp). Who do you listen too ? Society tells us to ‘be ourselves’ but only if they agree with who that is. We are considered crazy ‘(according to many psychological tests)’ if you believe in aliens yet not if you believe in god. So exactly from a scientific standpoint is proven ? Neither; so how is one u r crazy the other u r not? I suppose what it boils down to is we try and surround ourselves with mirrors, (people who rreflect back to us) , the best possible view of who we want to be. Then we strive to maintain those goals and values that fill us with comfort. Journeys and my more focused and renewed faith in the higher powers have helped me, very much so with the persecution i feel so often surrounds me.