Cobra

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Cobra Commander and Destro, 6-Time Champions of the Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition. Photo taken in at the end of the 1987 competition. Both of them were stuck on the toilet for weeks. Cobra also won the National Lincoln Log Award for this.

Cobra is an international organization that runs on the platform of evil, terror and bullying. Cobra is currently headed by Cobra Commander, although rumors of a recent coup thrown by Serpentor have surfaced. Some of Cobra's well-known exploits include destruction of world landmarks, kidnapping, stealing candy from babies, becoming the political advisor for Former President Bush, and winning the Annual Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition for 6 years running.

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Cobra was created by the combined powers of the Daleks and the disgruntled office employees of Hasbro in 1964. Originally conceived as method to obtain a pay raise, the concept of Cobra proved to be very effective in terrorizing office bureaucrats and other civilians. Genghis Khan, Cobra's first commander, was the one who suggested opening the organization to other companies and organizations.

By the end of 1968, membership of Cobra skyrocketed as it was now contained employees from Hasbro, Mattel, InGen, Skynet, and Dunder Mifflin. With an increase of membership, however, Cobra ran into the issue of housing space. The previous Cobra base, Genghis Khan's basement, was unavailable as his mother did not want the neighbors being disturbed by the excess amount of noise. By unanimous decision, Cobra invaded Wayne Manor on March 29, 1969 in an effort to gain new territory. Fate would have it, however, that Batman was there that day, and the majority of Cobra's pencil-pushing office employee army was defeated by the Dark Knight. Seeing defeat was imminent, Commander Genghis Khan ordered the troops to retreat and reconvene. It was Cobra's first defeat.

After his defeat of the Second Great Cobra War, Commander Genghis Khan and his remaining troops found themselves transported back in time to the year 1971. Since loosing the First and Second Great Cobra Wars, the soldiers of Cobra were suffering from a severe case of depression. Commander Genghis Khan, realizing that victory was necessary to save Cobra from disbanding, put together a small invasion plan of a nearby travel agency. After victoriously defeating the 4 unarmed travel agents, Cobra secured the rights to a small island within the Gulf of Mexico. Quickly traveling to the island to avoid their past selves, Cobra built their base of operations on the island, renaming it Cobra Island.

Failing to secure Wayne Manor as a base of operations, Commander Genghis Khan deemed to key to victory was to fight their battles with swords, guns, and trained military personnel as opposed to their previous defeat with pens and pocket protectors. Determined to win a new base of operations, Cobra focused on their next target. The Fortress of Solitude and Santa's workshop were ruled out early, as the heating bills there would be enormous. After much debate within Cobra, it was finally decided that the next intended invasion area would be Orlando, as it had a plentiful supply of both heat and fast food restaurants. From 1970 - 1972, Commander Genghis Khan had all members of Cobra undergo a rigorous training course while acquiring deadly weapons for Cobra's Orlando invasion. On November 15, 1973 Cobra launched a massive invasion of Orlando. Casualties were minimal, as the invasion date coincided with Walt Disney World's half price ticket day. Victory was nearing for Cobra, however the Orlando State Army was in possession of the Ark of the Covenant at the time, and unleashed its power sometime near midnight on November 18. The resulting death toll was enormous, causing the death of 4,120 Cobra soldiers, 215 civilians, and 2 Denny's employees. Commander Genghis Khan and the remaining Cobra forces retreated into Walt Disney World, where they found and used a time machine found within Tomorrowland.

The years following the Great Cobra Wars were filled with success and prosperity. Commander Genghis Khan continued to build and enhance the organization, as well as recruiting and training many new soldiers to rebuild the army that was lost in the Second Great Cobra War. Seeing the time would soon come for their next invasion, Commander Genghis Khan along with his Generals convened in the war room to discuss their future battle plans. Unfortunately, it seemed that destruction and strife are always destined to fall upon Cobra. After breaking from a meeting for the proposed invasion of the Double Bubble factory, the war leaders of Cobra were split into two groups differing on opinion; those who wanted to order Chinese food for lunch, and those who wished to order hot dogs. The two waring opinions spread throughout the entire Cobra organization, until a battle between Commander Genghis Khan's Chinese food army and Cobra Commander and Destro's hot dog army broke out. After a 10-day vicious battle, the Cobra Civil War ended with Cobra Commander being victorious, resulting in the ordering out for hot dogs after Genghis Khan's execution. Cobra Commander took the opportunity to ascend to the leader position of Cobra, naming Destro as his second-in-command.

In 1981, Has been toys declared war on Cobra, giving several differing reasons including falsified connections to several pop stars, baseless claims that Cobra was planning to build Weapons of Mass Stupidity, and low toy sales. The U.S. government under Reagan created the GI JOE team to deal with the problem. The Joes fought a decade long battle with Cobra, blowing up billions of dollars worth of material, but killing 0 Cobras. Since this, Cobra has gone underground with its operations, only appearing once in awhile to blow up some stuff and shoot laser pointers in people's eyes.

In the late 1990s, Destro liquidated a variety of Cobra assets, including Hot Dogs (which proved to be, in liquid form, rather yummy.) One of these assets was Cobra Commander, who went public with a tell-all book "BLAST YOU JOESSSS!" The book became a New York Times bestseller for 3 months, earning Cobra Commander a position as the head of the FCC. His reign as The Emperor of the FCC has been recognized as one of the harshest periods of media censorship in the United States of America and included eating Napster, Morpheus, Bearshare, Trinity, and Neo.

As The Emperor of the FCC, Cobra Commander gained popularity by using the phrase "You've got to censor the media, you FOOLSSSS!" and flying away in a Cobra pod. He has not been seen ever since his pod crashed in 2009. It was presumed to have landed in Chernobyl.
He was found in 2111 working at a store that sold knock off GI JOE action figures. Soon after, he was reported dead of alcohol poisoning.