Brian Kemp Defends Democracy

October 14, 2018

Patriotic Georgians are going to elect this good old boy governor because I’m so conservative I run ads (explosion in background) to blow up government spending. I own lots of guns (see all those behind me and the one I’m cocking) that no one’s taking away. My chain saw’s ready (it starts right away) to rip up some regulations. I got a big truck (I’m driving) in case I need to round up criminal illegals and take ‘em home myself. Yep, I just said that. If you want a politically incorrect conservative, that’s me, the current secretary of state who’ll be moving up in November after fair and square beating Stacey Abrams, a tax and spend liberal even more dangerous than Barack Obama.

I strongly support President Trump, our troops, and ironclad borders, and (putting a hot right hand on my heart) I stand for our national anthem. If any of this offends you, I’m not your guy. I’m the tough secretary of state who’s cancelled one point four million voter registrations the last six years, and during this campaign I’ve put fifty-three thousand voter registrations on hold because they aren’t “exact matches” with information at the Georgia Department of Driver Services or the Social Security Administration. Sometimes there’s a missing hyphen or transposed numbers and sometimes the deceptions are more outrageous than that.

It doesn’t matter that seventy percent of those registrants are black and as secretary of state I’m overseeing an election where I’m running against a black candidate. Like I’ve told my campaign people to repeatedly tell you, I’m “fighting to protect the integrity of our elections and ensure only legal citizens can cast votes.” I’m not worried about losing, anyway. Yeah, the polls say Abrams and I are in a statistical dead heat right now, but only thirty-two percent of the voters are black and I’ll find some more who cheated to register and keep ’em away from the voting booths. No one’s getting over on me. My guns and explosives and big truck are ready to rock.