I've been doing a lot of processing and I've really accepted that my relationship with ex was very unhealthy with a big unequal balance of his needs being most important.

It has made me see that I am so much better off not being in that relationship. And. my children are so much better off too as they don't see their father not giving a shit about their mother, and putting his career and OW above the family unit.

A few weeks ago I signed up to a dating site. I've not started paying yet as didn't feel ready but now that I am just about off prozac and doing lots of healing on myself I feel that soon enough I'm going to properly sign up to it.

I'm thinking that it will just be nice to go for dinner with someone, just for a chat, with no expectations.

Am I crazy for thinking this?

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk

click4it♀ 209Member # 209

Posted: 4:32 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013

Of course you aren't crazy for thinking about this - you are human.

We all want companionship.

As a veteran of this site, , I can tell you my opinion about starting to casually date 7 months after d-day, but that doesn't mean I will be right.

It is too soon. I say that because it can start out just "meeting for coffee" to have conversation and the next thing you know you find you might like the person, and have all sort of feelings come up that you didn't expect. You will feel excitement, giddiness, all the good bubbly stuff. And then if for some reason it doesn't turn in your favor, you will have this let down that is so instense that you will feel like you've taken 10 steps back to d-day.

Take some more time to do that healing and more time with friends in a social setting, than in a date setting.

A year to a year and half I think is a good time frame, though for some it can be shorter and others longer. It took me two years post d-day to date and the disappointments that followed were not good.

How long were you married and are you offically divorced yet?

Me: 42
Two boys: 18 and 15
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?

Posts: 25681 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California

dindy♀ 38424Member # 38424

Posted: 4:46 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013

Thanks for your response click4it.

My ex and I were together for 8.5 years and we have 2 children under 3.5 years.

I think you've made some good points.

One thing ex and I did before we had children was dine out. It's something I really enjoy and not once in that relationship did ex ever take me out to dinner. I always had to arrange stuff.

I guess I'm just missing that side of a relationship, just being in someone's company and having a good chat over dinner.

I know it will happen one day!

On another note I've joined a photography group who meet twice monthly. They meet up to take pictures and go for food and drinks afterwards to chat about photography.

I'm so excited about going to my first meet up as I've not had the energy or time to practise photography since becoming a mother. It's been a keen hobby of mine for over 10 years and I'm very slowly putting things in place so that I can start to make money from it.

It's ironic really as I have more time to spend on myself now that I'm not putting wasted energy into ex.

And, I'm even going to buy myself a new swanky lens for my camera as a birthday treat!

Thank you for making me pause for a moment. :)

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk

click4it♀ 209Member # 209

Posted: 4:51 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013

Honestly, you are on the right healthy track. Joining a photography group is AWESOME. Going to a first meet up group - TOTALLY AWESOME. I could not get myself to do anything of that sort for years - but I did manage to volunteer and start working again shortly after d-day - so that was my main personal accomplishment.

Two young children under age 3 - aw. Yes, you will need to save some that energy for that age and for yourself. Dating will add a whole other layer that would be emotionally exhausting.

You will be able to date again, no doubt, just take more time before doing that, which it sounds like you might.

Me: 42
Two boys: 18 and 15
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?

Posts: 25681 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California

dindy♀ 38424Member # 38424

Posted: 5:01 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013

Thank you click4it and same to you, volunteering and starting work near DDay is a BIG accomplishment and I hope you have rewarded yourself for that!

I do try and count my blessings everyday as I believe that it is what gets us through this shit we've been heaped with.

I say... enjoy yourself and date. Just do not get serious for a while. That is easier than it sounds, but if you replicate the months and years it probably took you to get serious the first time(s), that is a good guide. Enjoy dinner and movies. Visit museums and farmer's markets. Offer to alternate paying or split the tab. Most gentlemen will insist on paying but can be persuaded to split an occasional bill when they understand that contributes to your comfort level. Do not have unrealistic expectations. There are lots of frogs but you don't have to kiss them. Before you know it, 2 years will pass and you will have regained your equilibrium as well as have a good perspective on the dating scene. Remember, the men are far more scared and awkward than you are - - do a good deed... be a nice person and set them at ease. It's like doing volunteer work. It will make you feel good.