Hello again faithful pupils. Last week, we learnt how to become one of the popular kids at school. If you’re still reading this feature instead of nursing a kegger hangover, then things probably didn’t work out like you hoped. Never mind. Today’s lesson will give you another shot at getting things right. And another… And another… And another…

Lesson #4 – How To Live Forever

To anyone who says that immortality would get boring or that it’d be sad to see loved ones grow old around them, I say shut the hell up! Who are you trying to kid? No one wants to get wrinkly and live on a mobility scooter when they could stay young and go to high school forever! Think of all the films you’d miss it if you snuffed it. Transformers 12, Scary Movie 17, Pirates 42…Wait wait, come back!

Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have been born on Mt Olympus, singing Disney songs all day. It’s a tricky thing, searching for immortality. Do it wrong and you may have to endure being disintegrated at the molecular level, only to come out the other side as a giant naked smurf who’s lost all interest in humanity… no offence Dr Manhattan. Then you have people like Wolverine and that Scottish guy from Highlander rubbing it in your face by moaning and whinging about having something that most people would give their left testicle for. Well screw them I say. Read on for the low down on how to achieve immortality without having to take part in tiresome duels with Scottish men or star in dull solo outings set in Japan. That’ll teach them.

Dead Skin Cells

Dust. It’s everywhere but who would have thought it could unlock the key to immortality? Now, I’m not talking your standard dead skin cell variety. No no. Please don’t go sniffing your mantelpieces in the pursuit of everlasting life. What we’re after is pixie dust. Don’t believe me? How do you think Peter Pan stays young forever? The arrogant little squirt doesn’t ever want to grow up and by keeping his dealer Tinkerbell by his side, Peter gets his wish. That damn fairy… I’m not being offensive, that’s just what she is! The Lost Boys are in on the act too but to join their merry band, you have to fall out of your pram as a baby and get lost. If you’re reading this feature now, you’re either too old for that plan to work or you’re an incredibly gifted baby. If so, then good luck!

Selling Your Soul…Again

If you’re finding pixie dust is difficult to obtain, then don’t worry. There are alternatives. For example, selling your soul is an attractive option to some. You may notice a running theme here loyal readers, as this was also key advice given for those who wanted to be popular at school. It’s not that I don’t like having a soul, it’s just how often do you use them? Giving it away certainly worked out for Dorian Gray. By having his youthful beauty captured in a painting, the young socialite was able to enjoy almost a century of decadent Victorian London at little cost to himself. Sure, the painting that housed his soul got left in the attic and became a bit grubby, but that’s just bad housekeeping. Everything worked out fine for – what? He died!? I wasn’t aware of that. Truthfully, did anyone actually watch Oliver Parker’s Dorian Gray to the end? Be honest.

Ok, so the likelihood of having your soul captured in a Victorian painting by an English gentleman is slim at best and to be fair, you’ll probably just end up dying anyway. Maybe not the best option… so let’s get proactive.

Party Tricks

As the Royal Vizier of Agrabah, Jafar was able to get his scheming mitts on a magic lamp through evil plotting and considerable moustache twirling, but then what does he do? He wishes to become a genie, after being tricked by that damned street rat. Idiot. What Jafar should have done is just wish for immortality, rather than be too greedy with his lust for power. The moral of this story? Rummage through every antique shop you can find or book an immediate plane ticket to Agrabah… no I have no idea where that is either. Google maps is USELESS!!! The alternative is to drink a magic potion created by Isabella Rossellini, but then you’ve really got to take care of yourself. Goldie Hawn looked gorgeous in Death Becomes Her but that giant hole in her stomach just didn’t compliment her dress at all. Fashion Police would have had a field day. Damn you Joan Rivers, I’m running out of ideas here.

Black Cats Are All The Rage These Days

We’re down to the nitty gritty here guys and things are about to get ugly. Really want to live forever? Dabble in the dark arts and become a witch. I know it doesn’t sound particularly pleasant, but the Sanderson sisters almost managed it by stealing the life force of all the children in Salem. If you’re going to try it, then that’s fine. I don’t judge, but just try not to hurt Thora Birch. She was awesome in Ghost World and remember; if you see a black river in your path, chill out. It’s probably just a road or something.

R-Patz Is Like OMG, So Totes Awesome!

I hate myself for even saying this but there is one last method you could try if you want to achieve immortality. Become a vampire. Wait wait, please hear me out. If you want shiny skin and to become romantically involved with a moody slut, then by all means, go the Twilight route, but I’d like to think that readers of this respectable web site would be thinking more along the lines of Interview With The Vampire or Let The Right One In. Hell, even looking like Nosferatufor all eternitywould be preferable to having to act alongside that Taylor Lautner. Jesus Christ he’s bad.

What Not To Do

So there you have it. Become a vampire and you’ll get to live forever. Sure you’ll never work in a jewellers and garlic bread will forever be off the menu, but at least you’ll never have to become old and star in shit like Quartet or The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Please be careful though. It’s so easy to get this stuff wrong. Just ask Voldemort. His horcrux idea was flawed from the start and god knows what Benjamin Button was doing.

Next week, Film School Friday will teach you how to avoid becoming infected by zombies, in case anyone was tempted to try and become immortal through this more controversial method. Sure zombies are skinny but there are better ways to attain your goal weight and quite frankly, rotten flesh is fattening anyway. Remember also to keep your ideas coming for future lessons as I’m lazy and need all the help I can get. See you next Friday!

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Author: David Opie
David is a primary school teacher who tries his best to turn every math lesson into a discussion on the latest Pixar film. He loves movies so crap they’re good – hello anything starring Anna Faris – but his real passion is for superheroes, zombies and Studio Ghibli. His weekly feature Film School Friday will attempt to educate readers with all the useless advice that cinema has given us over the years. In between writing FSF, moving to South Korea and eating his body weight in Cadbury’s chocolate, he’ll also try to find time to contribute reviews for the latest films.