Uniform Stories

5 techniques motor cops use for crushing souls

We have a number of techniques that, until today, have been a closely guarded secret

There are varying degrees in which I and my fellow motor officers act in any given day.

We have a number of techniques that, until today, have been a closely guarded secret. When you are tooling around in your vehicle and you see a car cop behind you or merely in the vicinity, you get that heart-in-the-stomach feeling and you start the mantra of repeating “Please don’t pull me over. Please don’t pull me over. Please don’t pull me over.”

Often times, the mantra proves fruitful and the car cop goes about his day none the wiser. Not so the motor.

“Dammit! I just got Lampreyed!” (Photo/Lamiot via WikiCommons)

If you see any of the following techniques, your stomach may as well just eat your heart. Because we’re coming for you.

1) The Swoop

Scenario 1: You are driving southbound on the main drag oblivious to your speed...until you see the motor officer driving toward you northbound. *Gulp* You look down and see your speed: 53 MPH. It’s a 35 MPH speed limit.

The motor passes you and you steal a glance in the rearview only to see the motor leaned at a precarious angle to the left to bang a U-turn and then you see those cursed lights come on. You’ve been swooped.

2) The Eye Contact

Scenario 2: Again, you are driving southbound on the main drag with your head firmly planted somewhere dark and fairly odiferous. Suddenly, you realize you are [insert violation here]. Unfortunately, you simultaneously notice the motor officer parked on the side of the road. He isn’t moving. You get closer and you swear he’s looking into your very soul. You pass him by. His head stays locked on your car. You take a second to glance in his soulless eyes and see them locked on your own baby blues.

He may just shake his head in disgust...or he may fire up his sled and come introduce himself. Either way, he wants you to know he sees you.

3) The Lamprey

Scenario 3: Yet again, you find yourself southbound on the main drag. (Why have you not considered using a different street?!) Behind you, you hear sirens. You glance in the rearview and see the BRT (Big Red Truck) coming up on you.

But, your turn is only a another mile or so. Instead of yielding to the right, you know, like the law requires, you stay put because it’s not that big of a deal. The BRT is gaining on you, but you’re so close. As you look one more time, as you negotiate a slight bend in the road, you see something behind the BRT. It’s a motor officer.

Suddenly, you remember watching Shark Week and learning about those sucker fish that constantly swim with the sharks – those are called "lampreys" my friends. As the motor whips around the BRT and pulls you over, you realize, “Dammit! I just got Lampreyed!”

4) The Shark

Scenario 4: Finally, you decided to take a different route back to the office after lunch. You’re tired of those damn motors on the main drag. You are walking back to your car and you see him. The motor just passed you by. “Thank God,” you think. “Maybe he’s on his way somewhere else and will leave me alone!” You continue back to your car. 30 seconds later, another motor (the same motor?!) rides by again.

As you walk another couple minutes to where you left your car, you see the motor three more times and realize he’s circling you like you’re a castaway in a slowly-leaking life raft. The Shark is a killing machine and will get its victim.

5) The Fighter Pilot

Scenario 5: After your experience with the Shark, you realize your route matters little, so you return to the main drag (you fool!). Once again southbound, you see that damn motor on the side of the road, only this one has a different helmet. It isn’t like the classic shell you’ve been used to seeing. It’s some kind of modular thing. You get closer and are mesmerized by the change.

Suddenly, you realize you’re ignoring your speed. Then you recognize the telltale sign of the Eye Contact. Shit!

That’s when it happens, where the motor’s eyes once were, a smoked shield has descended as if from the ether. The space, in which you assume the motor’s eyes still occupy, turn with your vehicle as you pass. Dear God, it’s like Maverick is on a freaking motorcycle.

And then, you just started taking the bus. Who can deal with all these crazy techniques?

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