VEXATIOUS VIRGO...

The Jittery Journeys of April 2004

Hooray, my hideous harpies! Blessings upon your surface-wiping hands and your neurotic powers of obsessive analysis! Last time we left you exploring notions of the afterlife through a teacher, a limber exponent of the art of tantric yoga and also possessed of knowledge of the otherworld. However, it was not the otherworld you were exploring as morbid March came to a close. And what was hidden has been made known under the tender ministrations of your new teacher. Will this be it, my little virginal nitwits? Will this finally be the love you have sought all your life? Let the vile and bitter prognostications for awkward April be made known and we shall see. And who shall make them known? Why I shall! For I am Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth.

Mischievous Mercury cavorts in cloddish Taurus and you cavort in the open air, seeking the meaning of life on a bed of pine needles with the deft touch of a skillful teacher to guide you. Vamping Venus enters Gemini and you join with your new partner in a public teaching role as together you beguile students on the topic of sex and the afterlife. The Full Moon comes in fatuous Libra and your finances experience a boost as the fame of your teacher and partner grows far and wide.

But what’s this, my little virginal horrors? Mischievous Mercury turns retrograde and vamping Venus clashes with eccentric Uranus! Thus, in a fit of sexual frenzy inspired by your loved one, you fall into a transport (that’s a trance not a truck or bus) and speak with the voices of those long dead. By my little brown bottle, my virginal nonentities! You’ve become a medium! Intercourse of the body has led you to intercourse with spirits! You decide then to go public with the mediumship of sexual ecstasy, for the good of the world, of course.

As cranky Chiron then frolics in a salacious manner with the great Sol Invicti and Mercury, the pair of you discover that sexual congress and old-fashioned spiritualism keep the marks entertained and the bucks rolling in. Soon you’re the star of the SEX AND THE AFTERLIFE road show. The New Moon in arrogant Aries brings a solar eclipse and the launch of a new career, with you sublimating your consciousness so that the bereaved can speak with their dear departed and all you have to do is experience sexual pleasure without end.

How hard can it be, little nitwit perfectionists! Thus you have love, success and something useful to do! But great gods alive and dead, what’s this? Are there shadows falling on this path to paradise? Yes there are! Marauding Mars and vamping Venus clash with underworld Pluto and hidden rivalry surfaces in your thus far sublime relationship as your lover’s attentions under the spotlight take on a new and harder edge. The once sensitive cooperation has now become something of a push and a shove, subtly disguised so that only you will know.

Is there jealousy here? Have you, the humble little virgin usurped the leading role in what was once your teacher’s exclusive domain? After all, nitwit surface-wipers! Who is truly the star of this show, you or your teacher? Perhaps you need to assert yourself. Perhaps you’ve come into your own and don’t need your partner? Perhaps you can do god’s work as a masturbating medium? Can you go solo, my little carping twerps? Click here next month and see!