Despite the fact that she and her ex-husband failed to make payments on a mortgage loan dating from 2007, Ike Lochte is determined not to rely on her son (or any of her other children) for financial assistance. A spokeswoman for the Steve and Ike Lochte — who filed for divorce in 2010 — explained that the Lochtes, just like everybody else on the wrong side of brand new mortgage just before the collapse of the housing market, were simply victims of the times, and that Ike Lochte "did not disclose the extent of the situation to avoid [her children] worrying."

Although Ryan Lochte will be scoring some lucrative new endorsements in the wake of his success in London (and, as the dutiful son we all know he is, would surely love to buy his mother a palatial home with a trampoline and lazy river pool), his mother has so far eschewed help with the cumbersome loan payments. It'll be pretty tough to keep concerned children at bay, however, especially if they're as concerned and have as much extra (as yet theoretical) cash on-hand as Ryan Lochte does. What else would he spend it on? A new and tackier grill? A pop-art installation of his head poking out of a urinal, surrounding by a bunch of plaster thought bubbles containing only "Jeah"? No, no — expect Ryan Lochte to sneak money into his mom's bank account using the help of the U.S. swim team, which will, after their first taste of reverse-heist excitement, become the Dolphin Bandits of South Florida, taking from the rich and giving to the poor. If anyone out there can draw, I think we're about halfway to a seminal graphic novel.