Tories to stop Santa migration by Christmas

David Cameron has announced plans to curb the flood of European migrant workers, specifically 4th-century Greek bishops, from invading our homes. The Prime Minister has promised to apply an ‘emergency brake’ on rotund present-givers sneaking into our borders with the aid of magical reindeer and a disregard for passport control.

Migrants will do anything to appear cute

A Home Office spokeswoman said: ‘We need to beware of Greeks bearing gifts – or pretty much anyone from Eastern Europe smelling of mince pies. We can’t have quasi-mystical figures, coming over, stealing our low wage jobs. Jobs which could easily be filled by a British Druid or Boggart’.

Some children have expressed their disappointment that the festive season will be minus one pivotal figure. Yet Mr Cameron has committed to an in/out referendum, in 2017, over whether stockings will be filled. While Tory backbencher Bernard Jenkin has suggested Parliament pass a law introducing a cap on beards, rosy cheeks and Polish tooth fairies.

Outgoing European Commission head, Jose Manuel Barroso, has warned of the ‘historic mistake’ the UK would make if it outlawed Father Christmas. However a UKIP spokesman countered: ‘Santa has long be associated with increased crime, elf trafficking and prostitutes – or Ho Ho Ho’s as he calls them. Arbitrarily deciding who is naughty or nice is just the sort of thing a European bureaucrat would support. While we propose to simply keep white Christmas white, you know what I mean’.

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