Anime/Life Advice Mailbag #3: Tsunderes

The following emails are real and completely unedited, except the parts I very obviously edited.

Baka-Raptor,

Life question: I come to you in great distress, and I ask a favor from your All-Knowingness (yes, I just made up that word). Although I do possess female genitalia, I’ve found myself in a position where I am the man in my relationship with my boyfriend. He is the consummate submissive type, and this fulfills my life-long dream of owning a sex slave (along with any other type of slave you can imagine). He would do anything for me, and in this respect he is much like a woman. I must say I find it extremely appealing to my taste, seeing that I am bisexual.

However – after nearly five months of owning him without cracking or budging in the slightest, or showing any kind of weakness whatsoever – I just did the worst thing anyone could ever do in a situation like mine: I cried in front of him. I neither denied nor admitted to it, but know what I have done will come back to haunt me, and I don’t know what I should do about it.

To make things even worse, he wasn’t even sure that I was crying; he just hugged me and started to cry himself! What is this faggotry?! What’s happened to me?

Relax, you can’t lose:

If he doesn’t think you cried, you’re still at the top of the food chain.

If he does think you cried, you can use your tears to further enslave him.

Tell him it was his fault you were crying. He’ll believe you because he’s an oversensitive pussy. Then he’ll feel guilty and feel the need to make it up to you. Take the opportunity to have your way with him. Just be careful not to overdo it. If you turn your boyfriend into too much of a bitch, you’ll only get more faggotry in return.

If my above suggestion strikes you as immoral, you can go with any of the following no-fail excuses for crying:

Because lesbianism, like everything else that’s good and decent in the world, no longer sells.

Also, I suspect the liberal media is trying to suppress the truth about global warming.

Fucking Baka-Raptor,

Life: Before starting at college in January of this year, I spent six months in a cubicle and I got to hating it toward the end. I felt isolated from the world and confined by my impossibly tall gray walls. I decided I wouldn’t return to that job this summer. Now I have a bunch of free time. I also now have a girlfriend, and thusly need money. What should I do?

Watch Office Space. You’ll learn many valuable life lessons, one of which is that work sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it. Want money? Suck it up and get back to the cubicle.

Not everything goes smoothly in life!

This is why college hippies turn conservative when they start working. Once they realize how much they have to suffer for their paychecks, they don’t want a single penny of it taken away, especially if it’s given to people who don’t work.

Alternatively, if you’re too much of a pussy to work, you could ask your girlfriend to pay up. If she refuses, accuse her of sexism. There was a time when it was practical let men do all the work because most jobs involved lifting heavy things. Nowadays, the heaviest things you need to lift around the office are TPS reports. There’s no reason why women can’t do that shit when they’re eight months pregnant. Let men stay home where they’re needed to lift furniture, chop wood, carry sacks of potatoes, fix leaky faucets, change light bulbs, shoot trespassers, etc.

Anime: Before starting at college in January of this year, I spent six months watching tons of anime every night and I got to hating it toward the end. I felt isolated from reality and confined by my impossibly potent 2d complex. I decided I wouldn’t return to watching anime this summer. Now I have a bunch of free time. I also now have a mite of intelligence, and thusly need dumbing down. What should I do?

Fuck,
–lol i knowi‘mtsundere

Ummmm…feeling isolated from reality is the whole point of watching anime. If you crave reality, read a newspaper. Walk through the ghettos. Did you know that roughly 11,000 puppies die each day? You probably didn’t want to. Reality blows.

I know this comment will be censored, but maybe I’ll get an answer in some backward way – what the fuck is your email address to send these questions to? you never fucking post it in the related posts!!! How do you expect to keep business?!

I of course found the answer now in your FAQ but I shouldn’t have had to look!!!

Whenever I hit the “Submit Comment” button, I see your email address right under it! How convenient! It would really suck not to know what your email address is because my life is full of problems.

To lol i know i‘m tsundere: To solve money issues, the best idea is to convince some trust fund baby to invest in your business idea and even if you fail, you can still put that on your resume and any B-school will take you. Alternatively, you can just marry a trust fund baby and your money issues will disappear!

@lol, i know: At the risk of disagreeing with baka-raptor, there IS something you can do about it. Work sucks. Why not steal instead? For details on how, you may also watch Office Space, and/or Superman 3. Its like the ‘pennies for everyone’ tray, except youre only taking fractions of a cent, you do it from a much bigger tray, and you do it about 3-4 million times a day… so whats wrong with that?

Just make sure you dont miss any mundane details… that could lead to potentially dire consequences, such as federal ‘pound me in the ass’ prison…

@lol i know i‘m tsundere: Trust me when I say reality sucks. I spent time away from anime for a while and reality is pretty overrated. If you’re sick of watching anime or reading manga just because you’ve grown tired of the medium, spend some time doing something similar yet different to fill the hole. I started reading American comics which, for some odd reason, gets a bad rep in anime circles ( possibly because the lack of pedophilia?), is a good substitution until you get the itch to go back to anime.

To Kara’s first question – duh, easy – say you were just having trouble with your contact lenses (that kind of thing happens all the time); if you don’t have contact lenses, just say that you’ve been having trouble with sensitive eyes lately.

Also, Baka-Raptor, I think you should bump your mailbag to three questions per entry – two is such a disappointment when I’m all excited to read your awesome and thrilling advice… but can only read it for four questions! Its a serious let-down.

@Sender #1: Since your man already knows you’re a tsundere, and he’s already seen your dere-dere side, better spank him in the nuts and a couple of tortures later, he’ll forget about the whole crying thing. But if you’re not really into tortures, give the guy some dere-dere sometimes, if you won’t mind, so he’ll crave for your soft side, with you still being on top and you still get to hold him in the collar. Limit the dere-dere to once every 4 months.

@LOL I Know I’m TSUNderE: Enjoying anime and having a girlfriend kinda balances both sides of reality and fiction in your life. Just don’t make your girlfriend watch anime. It will distort the balance.

@ Baka-Raptor – Like I said before, having a mailbag implies some level of caring on my part in regards to my readers. Don’t you know that lying is bad?

What if my question is ‘Why does Eli Manning suck so epically?’? Can we ask stuff like that?

Oh, and Kara: Strawberry Panic doesn’t have a second season because, firstly, the material it was based on only went up through the end of the Etoile competition (which, yes, the anime does deviate from significantly, but it does base itself off of it, nevertheless), and, secondly, it didn’t have great ratings, since it really was a niche title.

[…] (pronounced JAY-SOH-NEE-UN) shrine with my tomfoolery of a trolling attempt. Never again will I trick people into thinking that lolikit is the one posting these posts. Never again will I so much as think of outdoing Kyoto Animation, henceforth, Team […]

Baka-Raptor, As of late sex has bored me to the point of monkhood. I’m getting bored with all the bottoms I get. Every time I start in on one of them it takes me ten minutes till they are begging but when I finally screw them it bores me to tears. WTH? I know I’m a sadist but blue balls from boredom is not fun!!!!!!!