Television: Shortland Street Power Rankings – Ferndale Pops Bottles For the Children

Tara Ward brings you this week’s Shortland Street Power Rankings, including Curtis the quiche thief and a rogue doppelgänger from The Block NZ.

1) Sport was the winner on the day

At last, the day we’ve been waiting approximately three episodes for has arrived: The Shortland Street Fun Run/Outdoor Quiz/Sack Race/Three Legged Race Fundraiser for the Hungry Children and/or Needy Families of Ferndale and/or The World™.

A record crowd of six people gathered to watch the entire hospital staff gallop their way around a paddock, all in aid of the children. Children are the future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

The Shortland Street team are living proof of the benefits of exercise. Look at how happy they are. Their lithe, supple bodies are likely to explode at any moment from the pure ecstasy of exercise, coating Ferndale in a sticky shower of endorphins and lactic acid.

These health professionals are supposed to be improving the plight of hungry children, not enjoying themselves while the little children starve. They should be bloody raging over a government failing its most vulnerable, or lobbying for GST-free fruit and vegetables. Do you see Leanne waving a placard in angry protest? No, you do not. Shame. Shame on you, Leanne!

Oh, you have wine? As you were, then.

2) Curtis protected both his family and his lunch

For somebody who’s supposed to be a Very Bad Boy, Curtis relies an awful lot on his mummy to get him out of trouble.

Margaret took helicopter parenting to a whole new level when she committed fraud to protect Curtis from the schoolyard bully. Steady on, Margs, couldn’t you just have rung Blair’s Mum and sorted it out between yourselves?

Curtis noticed Victoria flirting with Mo, and was as nauseated by it as I was. He warned Victoria to stay away from his family, then pinched her lunch for good measure. Nothing says “sod off, you miserable marriage-wrecking wench” like eating someone else’s quiche.

3) Blair struggled with his true identity

What accent does Blair really have? Answers on the back of an envelope, please. On Monday, it was Jersey mobster. On Tuesday, it was Gold Coast Australian, while on Wednesday it was Canadian, eh. No wonder Blair is so troubled; he needs a backstory, ASAP.

Is it possible Blair’s accent is North Shorian and that he’s related to Hayden from The Block NZ? They both wear black, lurk annoyingly around corners, and act like they’re the life and soul of the party when really, everyone just wants them to shut up so that X Factor UK can start. Spooky.

4) Kylie learned to never trust a deep fat fryer

One minute Kylie’s spewing up dodgy fish and chips, the next she’s having surgery on an ectopic pregnancy. Woah! That escalated quickly.

Grieving over her lost baby and recovering from keyhole surgery, Kylie’s wellbeing is left in Esther’s shaky hands. Surely Kylie has suffered enough?

5) Cocky Drew was stalked by a mystery nutbar

Holy open-heart surgery, Drew is growing on me. He’s like a noxious weed that slowly swallows up the garden, but you put up with it because it blooms fragrant flowers in the middle of winter. Drew was supportive and kind to Kylie post operation, and only made one comment about his testicles.

He also encouraged Harper during the fun run, and only made one comment about his testicles.

“He pushed you pretty hard,” a jealous Boyd whined to Harper. It was a piss-poor sack race, Boyd, not the final of Top Town 1987.

All is not well in Drew’s world. Someone keyed his car and, even more terrifying, left a door open in his house. Is it Virginia? Or crazy-arse Gareth Hutchins? Better call security, because shit’s about to get real.

6) Victoria won a gold medal for being annoying

Laden down by a week’s worth of food and drink didn’t stop Victoria from poking her pointy little nose into other people’s business.

After overhearing Margaret confess to stealing a cool five thousand from the hospital budget, tattletale Victoria headed straight to Mo. That flappy little tongue of hers unleashed a heavy ball of grief and spittle that hurtled wildly towards the reasonably happy Hannah whānau.

Is this the end for Mo and Margs? How many lies and sorrowful looks can one marriage withstand?

7) Ferndale said ‘no whey’ to Leanne’s Wine and Cheese night

Shout out to Leanne for reintroducing the ’70s classic ‘Pineapple and Cheese Hedgehog’ back into the mainstream.

8) Gareth fought a giant in a weird attempt to avenge his daughter’s breast augmentation

This doesn’t seem like a fair fight to me, but do your worst, little man.

With only a few weeks left until the Christmas cliffhanger, the questions are piling up like Boyd’s leftover 3D printer filament. Is it really Gareth who’s stalking Drew? Will Margaret and Mo survive another scandal? And will Blair ever win a room reveal?

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