QUIET STRENGTH – HOW TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF WITHOUT BEING A BITCH

In
the post Grow
A Pair! Overcoming Your Fear of Confrontation, I wrote about the fact that
confrontation doesn’t have to be ugly. I explained that the act of confronting
someone should be done with the mindset of achieving a win-win outcome and
outlined steps on how to make that happen. And many of you wrote to me letting
me know that you liked this new definition of confrontation and that you would
be so happy to implement it, if only the idea of confrontation, peaceful or
not, didn’t make you break out in hives/night sweats/ panic attacks/ projectile
vomiting. Although this issue is by no means confined to those with two X
chromosomes, women, in particular, have a hard time seeing themselves as
someone who confronts others, especially when it comes to their own needs.

You
may have no problem standing up for your kids or little brother, but when it
comes to telling your husband or wife that you’d really rather not go to see
the in-laws for your vacation this year, you clam up. You may be able to handle
even the toughest vendor at work, but asking for a raise makes you curl up in
the fetal position. Perhaps the idea of talking to an employee who has been
disrupting the work environment with his negativity leaves you
hyperventilating, and so you don’t do it, to the detriment of your entire team.
When your teenage son’s grades start slipping, you want to talk to him but the
anticipation of his surly, hormone induced response makes you postpone the
conversation until you’ve let it go to the point where it would be ridiculous to
say something. Or, perhaps you do voice your concerns, but only ever once
you’ve become so fed up that your confrontations more closely resemble a
deranged elephant stomping a Chihuahua to death rather than an actual,
productive conversation.

You don’t have to use Gorilla
tactics (yes, Gorilla)

There’s another fallacy
at play here, one that states that you have to be warrior like in order to
stand up for yourself. Blame it on your role models, or rather, the lack
thereof. For most of us (who were born pre-1990), our main examples of people
standing up for themselves routinely came from men. And these men were raised
to be tough hombres, not touchy feely, sensitive guys, but order barking,
respect demanding, authoritarian, sucker bunching, britches wearing, table
pounding men who put people in their place. Women, on the other hand, either
didn’t stand up for themselves at all, or had to act just like those aggressive
men in order to do so. And while men’s behavior was excused as being
“assertive” and “necessarily aggressive”, women who acted like that were called
something else: bitches. Bottom line, the idea of asking for what you want
became inextricably linked to the equivalent of thumping your chest and issuing
threats.

And
if you weren’t comfortable barking your demands at people, well, though
shitsky. You either learned to fake it, or you simply tucked your tail between
your legs and hoped for the best. Like the runt of the litter, you’d wait for
the scraps because you weren’t willing to get into a bloody fight for the meaty
bits. But all the while, your own needs weren’t being met. Your opinion, no
matter how valuable, went unheard. Your contributions went unappreciated. You
may have even gotten to the point where you felt like you didn’t really have much
value to begin with.

My warrior woman days

When I got my first big
restaurant management job, I was 19 years old, still in college and green as
can be. Oh, I knew how to work in a restaurant, I could pretty much do any job
you’d ask me to do, but I had no idea how to manage or deal with people. I was
intensely insecure, eager to prove myself, and armed with a fierce, A-Type,
hyper energetic, warrior mentality. I was ready to fight the good fight and boy
did I. Not only had I grown up with an authoritarian, male role model, all the
managers I had ever worked with were cut from the same cloth: they barked
orders, screamed at employees and expected shit to get done. So, I did the same
thing (sands the screaming. I have never been a screamer), only it didn’t really
work for me. Not only did I feel awful about treating people with so little
respect, but my employees hated me. HATED me. With a freaking vengeance.
Clearly, there had to be a better way.

Well,
there was, but it took me years of trial and error to figure it out. And even
then, I was never really 100% comfortable in my own skin until I had the
absolute honor and pleasure of working for a manager unlike any I’d ever
encountered before. I was working in Las Vegas, as a dealer in a casino. Never
mind the old boys’ club. This is the Goodfellas’ club and female managers in
this environment will generally become tough, leathery broads who look like
they could crush your skull with two fingers and would rather chew glass dipped
in lemon juice than wear a dress and high heels. But not Karen. She was
amazing.

Karen:

Never
screamed at people. In fact, she always talked softly, gently and
respectfully.

Never
told anyone to do something. She always asked them to do it. No one ever refused.

Was
feminine. She dressed like a woman, not in boxy suits but in flow-y skirts
and blouses that flattered her figure and made her look soft and
beautiful.

Was
kind and compassionate. She really listened to people, even their personal
problems and truly cared about them.

Had
her employees’ backs. She protected her staff whenever necessary.

Never
lost her cool. Not once. She was always calm and sweet.

She
was incredibly competent, and she knew it, but never felt like she had
anything to prove.

She
removed obstacles from her employees’ way, instead of expecting them to
work around them and deliver results.

Was
highly respected by everyone. No one messed with her, but not because they
feared her – because they loved her.

This
was the type of manager I wanted to be. Hell, this was the type of woman I
wanted to be. Karen showed me that my “feminine” characteristics, what I had
considered my weaknesses before, were actually my greatest strengths. I could
be feminine and strong. I could be nice, compassionate, kind and still stand up
for what I believed. I could wear heels and nail polish and still be respected.
And, she showed me a way of standing up for others and myself in a way that
didn’t feel bitchy. Did I master it immediately? No. I still fell back on my
warrior persona from time to time, particularly when I felt threatened, but
overall, I became a hell of a lot more effective at asking for, and receiving,
what I wanted.

Quiet strength

Karen showed me that
being strong and standing up for yourself has nothing to do with thumping your
chest or how loudly you can scream. It has everything to do with believing in
yourself, your cause and your own value. In other words, it all starts with
your mindset. Go figure.

You have to first
believe two things:

That
you or whoever you’re standing up for, deserves to get what you’re asking
for

That
there is a way for you to achieve your goal. In other words, that it is
possible for you to get what you want.

Once
you’ve achieved the “I believe that I deserve this and will get it” mindset,
you emanate a confidence that’s not to be missed, even by the most brutish of
opponents.

Second, you’ll want to
practice something that I like to call Quiet
Strength.

You
don’t have to raise your voice to be heard. Speak quietly and the other
person will have to shut up to hear you.

You
don’t have to feel threatened by your “opponent”, even if they start to
scream at you. The fact that they’re screaming means that they
feel threatened by you.

You
don’t have to thump your chest or threaten. Just believe in your cause and
don’t back down.

Be
a diplomat. Listen to
people. Really listen. What is your “opponent” afraid of? What
assurances or resources will they need in order to give you what you want?
Turn them from an opponent into a partner – come up with a win-win compromise.

Speak
from the heart. Tell people what you REALLY want, not what you think you
need in order to get what you want. Tell them why you want it. Be honest
and authentic and you’ll give them permission to be authentic, as well.

Don’t
demand that people help you, ask them to do it. You’ll be amazed at the
response you’ll get when you make this small but incredibly important
change.

Don’t
fight. Don’t get defensive. Don’t raise your voice. Listen and show them
you care. But don’t back down. Speak with compassion and love. But don’t
back down.

You
don’t have to yell “no” to mean it. You just can’t change your answer to
“yes”.

Don’t
give up. If one person can’t give you what you want, go to another. I once
spent three weeks knocking on the doors of very senior executives, asking
them to support a project that was very important to me. Many said no. I
just kept trying. Then, one said yes and I got all the support I needed.

Now,
I’m not saying that the brutish style of confrontation can’t be effective. Of
course, you can bully people into giving you what you want. You can intimidate
and threaten, or manipulate and connive, but at what cost? Have you ever seen a
happy bully? Have you ever seen a dictator whose subjects loved him, or who
wasn’t reviled by his “allies” and enemies alike, and whose life wasn’t
constantly in jeopardy?

If
you’ve never felt comfortable acting like a big ape and pounding your fist on
the table to express yourself, that doesn’t make you weak. It means that this
method isn’t the most effective for you. You’re allowed to care. Deeply. You’re
allowed to follow your instincts. You’re allowed to be who you really are. And
when you figure out how to be authentic, and how to practice Quiet
Strength, you can be more effective than any drill sergeant. Much more.

You
don’t have to fight to be strong. You can be compassionate and kind. You don’t
have to yell. You can move mountains with soft words. Strength doesn’t come
from brute force. It doesn’t come from a loud, booming voice. It doesn’t come
from threats or having a big personality. It doesn’t come from dominating. It
comes from not backing down when you really care about something, from believing
in yourself and your cause, and knowing that you can get it, even if you’re not
yet sure how that’s going to happen. And real strength, the kind that changes
the world, comes from doing so without being a bully.