Dear Margo: Being friendly toward ex is OK, within reason

MARGO HOWARD

Published 10:00 pm, Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Dear Margo: I was married to "Carla" for 10 years but have been divorced for four. We share custody of our four wonderful kids, and we get along pretty well compared with other divorced couples we know.

Carla and I have the same birthday. When we were married, we used to throw extravagant parties to celebrate. Now that we're divorced, she sends me a card with a small gift (last year it was a fountain pen), and I send her a dozen red roses along with her age in white roses (her favorite).

Here is my problem: My new girlfriend, "Alice," has a problem with our "tradition." She doesn't think it's appropriate for us to exchange gifts, shared birthday notwithstanding. I assured her that we weren't thinking about getting back together and that the divorce was mutual. I told her that Carla and I don't care for each other in that way anymore, but we will always be attached to each other due to the fact that we share a birthday and four children.

Carla's fiance has no problem with it. I should think that Alice would appreciate the friendly feelings Carla and I have. Are my ex-wife and I wrong to keep this ritual? -- Wondering

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Dear Won: While I understand where Alice is coming from, I hope that a more mature and confident stance is where she's going. I'm not sure how you can help her get there, but I would not change your pattern. Peace is always better than war, and a friendly divorce better than the alternative. (Do not ask me how I know this.)

I am all in favor of your "tradition," especially because of the four kids. As a gesture to Alice, however, you might skip the red roses, which are thought to mean "I love you." Carla's age in white roses (her favorite) would clearly number more than two dozen, a lovely tribute in anyone's book. -- Margo, florally

Dear Margo: I try to be logical and reasonable in all things, but I think I am emotional enough about my problem that I need some objective advice. I am a sophomore in college. I am very attracted to one of my professors. It is obvious that he also is interested in me.

We've had several long, personal (and flirtatious) conversations, and I really feel we're on the same emotional wavelength. The age gap between us is not unusually large. He is quite young to be teaching at a university, and I am not a minor. I, however, still have two to three years before I am no longer a student at his college.

I feel like we are both ready to begin something more serious, but we are also nervous to initiate it, as student/teacher relationships are quite taboo. Should we wait until I am no longer a student, or should we go with our feelings? -- Really Torn

Dear Real: I suspect you were logical about this conundrum, too, but you just didn't like the answers. You only have a few choices, given that your college -- as do most -- restricts professor-student romances.

Ergo, the only possibilities are to wait until you graduate, switch colleges or sneak around, perhaps causing him to be fired and you to be expelled.

Maybe you and he should talk about the situation, if there is a situation. You would not be the first girl to mistake a flirt for something more. -- Margo, questioningly