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Boy have I been unproductive lately. I’d like to say it’s because I’ve been busying myself with a buttload of unimportant and superfun things out of doors, which people are wont to do this time of year. And that is a big part of it. No, really. But I also have this tiny voice inside my head that tells me that I shouldn’t even try to do anything of importance because I will fail. It tells me I have nothing to offer anymore and that I’m out of material. That voice makes me sad inside. That voice is actually not so much in my head as it is from all my friends and family collectively.

But I refuse to go out like a chump, Mom! You can’t hold me down forever! So in retaliation I’ve been reading many-a self-help book to unlock the secrets of successful, motivated people. Some of it is crap, like always showing up on time and not wearing clothes that expose your belly button. But some of it is pure gold. I thought I’d share these tips and tricks with you, my best friends in the whole wide world. Let us rise up and taste the sweet nectar of triumph! Here goes:

Make one major change in your life right now. Like Splenda instead of Equal, or take the long way to work or start smoking. Start engaging in conversations with animals. You’ll be glad you did these things.

Do push-ups every morning. Christian Bale did that in American Psycho and look how successful he was in that movie.

Find a pair of pretend glasses. Horn-rimmed or the like. And wear them – but only when you’re trying to be taken seriously by yourself or others. People will really think you’ve got everything figured out. Contrarily the glasses can also aid you in becoming “goofy guy with glasses” or “sarcastically funny guy with glasses” or “asshole with glasses”. Carry a sketchbook.

What’s in Mad Scientist Cat’s bubbling potion of success? Tuna.

Use the digital voice recorder feature on your smartphone often. Whenever a brilliant idea or snippet from your next novella pops in your head, you’ll want it at the ready. Especially in mid-conversation with people. Maximum impact.

Become proficient in Microsoft Word.

Switch to a raw, vegan, paleo, caveman diet. Only allow yourself to eat things you have grown in your urban garden OR things you have killed with your own hands. Since you won’t be wasting so much time eating, you’ll have more time to spend accomplishing important things. And you’ll be super angry, which I find helps to fuel the creative process.

Vacuum your garage on the regular and make a spectacle out of it. Your neighbors will see you doing that and wonder how clean the inside of your house must be. Then they will start to feel badly about themselves. One of the most important ingredients in the recipe of success is making others question all the decisions they’ve made in their own lives.

And finally, when you’re at a shitty bar late at night drinking shitty beer wearing a Gap button-down shirt and a Fantastic Sam’s haircut, and your friend asks, “What should we cheers to?” your answer should always undoubtedly be, “Success.” Clink! Tee-hee!