24: Grandpa Jack’s Getting Too Old for This Noise.

Your grandfather never has been and never will be as cool as Jack Bauer.

Look at me! Posting a recap of 24 in not only the same month that the episode aired, but in the same week! Go me!

Of course, you know this won’t last, right? I still have 3 more episodes from this week alone, and before you know it, I’ll be some 16 episodes behind and throwing up my hands and going back to sipping bourbon and ignoring you while you angrily demand that I get back to my job already. After all, WWJB? Would he just give up on a job halfway through? Hmm? I don’t think so.

4:00:00 So here’s how you know that 24 is fiction: no one would ever believe that New York City would be targeted by terrorists. COME ON. GET REAL. Number one target of terrorists? Los Angeles. Duh. Also very unreal: a crackhouse? In Manhattan? Listen, in all seriousness, real estate in NYC is waaaay to expensive for that. That place would have crackheads in it for all of five minutes before a bunch of investment bankers and aspiring models would be crawling all over it, filling it with bad art and high grade cocaine. And I’m not kidding.

Anyway, some guy gets out of a cab in front of this crackden wearing a bright red hoodie, which makes it very convenient for the snipers on the building across the street to spot him. However, Little Red Ridinghood manages to get into the crackden before they can take the shot. NO WORRIES. They’ll shoot him in the head when he comes back outside. MWA HA HA HA. Inside, Little Red Ridinghood calls for “Manny,” only to find Manny quite dead in the bathtub. Freaked out, Little Red Ridinghood calls a friend only to learn that Other Friend has been shot in the head as well, and he’s all ZOMG, I bet someone wants to shoot me in the head, too! And so he pulls out his gun and holds it sideways because he learned to do that on the teevee, and sneaks out of the building, giving his red hoodie up to some crackhead. This diverts Snipers’ attention for a couple seconds while Little Red Ridinghood breaks into a car and hotwires it. However, Snipers realize they’ve been given the slip and start shooting wildly at Little Red Ridinghood’s getaway vehicle. In the middle of Manhattan. Which goes completely unnoticed. Because this kind of thing happens everyday. Snipers call 911 to report a stolen vehicle, because they’re clever like that.

Jack Bauer, in the meantime, is napping on a couch while a kinda cute, kinda irritating blond child whines at him about how boring the cartoons that he’s put on her her are. LEAVE GRANDPA JACK ALONE. GRNADPA JACK NEEDS HIS NAP. GO GET GRANDPA JACK MORE SCOTCH. AND HIS PILLS. AND TURN THE TEEVEE TO FOX NEWS.

Kim is married to Stefan the Vampire? And they’re in the car driving around the UN for some reason? Which any New Yorker could tell you is a terrible idea. Anyway, after calling Grandpa Jack to give him the heads up that she and Stefan the Vampire are running late because of the driving around the UN thing (stupid), she whines at Stefan the Vampire that Jack still hasn’t talked to her about moving to Los Angeles with them. 1. Los Angeles would be a terrible place to be a vampire. My eyeballs were scorched for a week after visiting a few weeks ago. 2. Jack doesn’t want to be someone’s live-in nanny, because he’s JACK FREAKING BAUER. 3. Shut up, Kim. No one likes you.

4:06:17 Lady President and Junction Jack are at the UN, meeting with President Pompadour and his brother, Jason Schwartzman from the nation of Hairdoistan to discuss nuclear disarmament. President Pompadour is all, “sure! My hair and I are happy to give the Americans whatever they want!” while Jason Schwartzman glares at him.

4:09:22 Kim and Stefan the Vampire meet Jack at the hotel, where Jack tells them that, sure, he’ll move to LA with them. Why not, right? Hooray! See you at the airport, Gramps! But yeah, Little Red Ridinghood over there with the bullet wound in the shoulder and a gun in his pants is here to make sure that’s not going to happen.

4:17:24 At the United Nations, the new handsome Chief of Staff threatens the press corps with a choke hold for some reason. And out in security, Pretty Reporter is denied access. Probably because she’s Jon Hamm’s partner and the security guards at the UN are a bunch of jealous bishes. AND I DON’T BLAME THEM ONE BIT.

Inside the UN, President Pompadour and Jason Schwartzman bicker about what President Pompadour has given up for peace: Hairdoistan’s nuclear ambitions. But President Pompadour is like, “yeah, but we get the Ca$h Monie$!!!” Pretty Reporter then calls President Pompadour to report to him that her press credentials have been revoked, and could President Pompadour get that fixed? Please? Before their naked interview later? Jason Schwartzman looks about shiftily when President Pompadour asks him to reinstate her creds and is like, “You know, you keep hanging out with trashy blonds and Hairdoistan is going to think you’ve become corrupted by Tiger Woods the West.” “WHATEVER.” says President Pompadour.

4:21:15Little Red Ridinghood, who was apparently helped Jack with the Salazar case? Really? shows up at Jack’s door and is all O HAI. THEREZ GUNNA BE A HIT ON PREZIDENT POMPADOOR. I CAN HAZ GUVMENT PROTECSHUN? Jack anger whispers that he isn’t in the government anymore, but FINE. He’ll call CTU.

4:23:12 Ooh! Look! CTU’s New York offices are fancysweet! Like a spaceship or something! And they come with a Freddy Prinze, Jr? And a Starbuck? Hottest. CTU. Ever. Seriously. No one rocks a tank top like Starbuck. /girlcrush Freddy Prinze, Jr. is engaged to Starbuck, because yes. And oh, look! Starbuck is totally schooling Chloe on how to do some technical thing because Chloe works here, too! Chloe, unsurprisingly, doesn’t take this well, and makes the Chloe face at her. Jack interrupts this fun by calling Chloe to get a hold of the new director of CTU in regards to this whole assassination business.

New Director Hastings is busy playing with his Minority Report screens, and doesn’t have time to talk to ONLY THE MOST FAMOUS AND AWESOME CTU AGENT EVER ABOUT A POTENTIAL ASSASSINATION PLOT, BECAUSE, SURE. And when he does talk to Jack, New Director Hastings is all rolling his eyes and sighing heavily about the tip. Jack literally has to threaten to tattle to Lady President if New Director Hastings doesn’t take the tip seriously, and come collect him and Little Red Ridinghood. HOW DID YOU GET THIS JOB, NEW DIRECTOR HASTINGS? WHOSE NEPHEW ARE YOU? BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO YOUR JOB. GAH. New Director Hastings finally agrees to send a team in to collect Little Red Ridinghood, but not without a “Pfft,” and a “Whatever.”

4:28:22 New Director Hastings informs Freddy Prinze, Jr., Starbuck and the New Edgar about the operation with Jack Bauer, and New Edgar is all Jack Who? For shame, New Edgar. Shame. Freddy Prinze, Jr. would like a second team, but New Director Hastings is like, nah.

In the Lair of Evil, the Snipers report back to this Russian dude that Little Red Ridinghood got away. Boo. But then they intercept a radio call reporting in the license plate of Little Red Ridinghood’s getaway car. Yay! Evil Russian hopes zey never fail eem agin.

4:36:22 Hooray! President Pompadour and his hair have agreed to Lady President’s counter proposals! If only First Dude could be here. Oh, he’s not dead, he divorced Lady President after she sent their only living child to jail for murder. Which, you know, she’s the President, and she kinda had to do. Chief of Handsome enters to inform Junction Jack and Lady President that there is a assassination plot against President Pompadour! OH NOES! What should we do? Tell him? Not tell him? WHO CAN SAY?!

4:39:04 Junction Jack is taking some kind of pills which is not foreshadowing in any way, I’m sure.

In the meantime, Jack and Little Red Ridinghood wander around Manhattan while bleeding all over the place and looking completely inconspicuous. And so Jack decides this is a good time to call Kim to let her know he’s going to be a little late. O? YOU THINK SO, JACK?

Chloe and New Director Hastings have a snot-off. She needs this job, because Morris is a lay-about. Whatever.

4:41:36 Starbuck briefs Freddie Prinze, Jr. while escorting him out to the helipad and WAIT A MINUTE…is CTU NYC actually in (gag) New Jersey? Well. CTU NYC just became considerably less sexy.

Little Red Ridinghood is a complete mess, DAMMIT, so Jack drags him into an alleyway to do some impromptu triage on a dirty mattress. Passerby who is messing with a car parked in the alley decides this entire scene is rather suspicious and calls the cops, because, come on.

4:50:24 At the UN, Mrs. Pompadour, who totally just stepped out of a Pedro Almodovar film, puts on her makeup angrily as her daughter tells her it’s time to go. And there’s something or other about whether or not President Pompadour trusts Mrs. Pompadour, which he clearly does not. Also, there’s a great deal of scenery chewing. And also, Miss Pompadour is clearly not related to either of her parents which might explain the trust issues right there.

4:52:36 Jason Schwartzman gives Pretty Reporter her press credentials and then hisses at her to stay away from President Pompadour. In the meantime, the Pompadour family arrive for the press conference, and Lady President, et al, choose not to tell him about the threat on his life, which, really?

Jack finishes up his alley surgery just as the cops arrive and get all yelly. Jack tries to warn them that Little Red Ridinghood is an informant who is vital to national security, but before they can help Jack, the Snipers arrive and start shooting up the joint. Jack and Little Red Ridinghood manage to break into a nearby building, but deplete their bullets in the process, and are chased up a stairwell by the Snipers. Jack calls Chloe to inform her about his change in plans, and she manages to find a parking garage that he can access where the helicopter will land. Little Red Ridinghood, despite all the trouble he’s managed to get everyone into, especially Jack, still isn’t talking, because that would be too easy.

4:56:24 Stairs stairs stairs and ZOMG JACK BAUER PUTS AN AXE INTO THE CHEST OF THE BAD GUY! LIKE HE WAS SCATMAN CROTHERS! AND JACK WAS…WELL, JACK! And then he shoots the other one? Maybe? Whatever! Jack and Little Red Ridinghood are on the roof! And the CTU chopper is here! They’re safe and Jack can go catch his plane to Los Angeles! Hooray! Yeah, but HA HA, Evil Russian has an RPG up his sleeve, and he totally blows up the helicopter. Boom. Fortunately, no one was really on it — at least no one that matters. And Jack is able to get out of Little Red Ridinghood that there’s someone close to President Pompadour who is in on the hit. GIVE JACK A NAME! DAMMIT! Instead, Little Red Ridinghood is going to loll his head, stick out his tongue and die, KBAI!

O look! It’s Pretty Reporter talking on the phone at the UN. She knows she’s behind. Don’t worry. It’ll get done. BUT ZOMG, YOU GUYS, SHE’S NOT THE ONE ON THE INSIDE. DUH. SHE’S A REPORTER ON DEADLINE. I have about 30 of these conversations a week. (No, I don’t.)

5 Responses

Get the beep beep boop out. A 24 recap? Is it Christmas again? I’ve only watched the first two hours so far. But just let me say that I’m glad Grandpa Jack was napping when the day started. Although you shouldn’t really be napping whilst babysitting, JB. That’s just common sense. 24 trivia buffs, is this the first time JB HAS EVER SLEPT? For all we know, he NEVER SLEEPS.

Also,shouldn’t CTU have a 12-foot bronze statue of Jack Bauer in the lobby? Then New Edgar wouldn’t have to ask who Jack Bauer is. Everyone would walk past it everyday. For reals.