The Cover Promises: A giant crucifix getting buzzed by a golden hubcap breast.

Representative Quotes:

"This is not the first work to offer the idea that Jesus of Nazareth was (is) either a messiah-astronaut or, at the very least, working closely with extraterrestrial visitors to the planet." (page 381)

"It will be recalled that the craft described in the book of Ezekiel (Ez 1:5-14) and the craft described by St. John (Rev 4:6-8) which he mistook for the flying throne of God (as did Enoch), both had four helicopter-like appendages in addition to the main thruster, used to help descend, land and maneuver the craft short distances at subatomic speeds." (page 356)

Speaking of sexy and golden, savor this insanity discovered at the Out of the Closet on Sunset just last night:

The odds of successfully navigating yourself to a freakier droid are approximately 3,720 to one.

Anyway, back in the 1990s, like every decade ever, all people everywhere knew they were living in the end times. The only controversy: what shape, exactly, that end would take. In Extraterrestrials in Biblical Prophecy, the brilliantly named G. Cope Schellhorn gives us two of the '90s greatest end-times fantasies in one masterpiece of mash-up paranoia.

Aping the language of a president addressing the State of the Union, Schellhorn writes:

"The evidence of extraterrestrial involvement in the birth of Jesus Christ is strong."

Yes, meet E.T. Jesus! When He walks on the beach, there's one set of footprints and a trail of Reeses Pieces.

"Possibly, quite possibly, aren't these UFOs, which the governments of the world are trying to control and destroy, the advanced scouts 'coming on the clouds' of the 'armies of heaven' led by Jesus the Master, the ultimate messiah?"

Also discovered at Out of the Closet: Readers prefer a younger, hotter Leonard Maltin!

Despite that hypothetical tone, Schellborn is often confident addressing the motives of his alien/angels. Here he writes of the E.T.s of the Old Testament - a more human-like species than the midnight-eyed grays of abduction myth:

"There is no evidence that they wished to enslave us, which their technology would have made (and would make today) very easy, or ever attempted to do so, although they may have made plenty of use of Adamic man, their eugenic creation, as a plentiful labor supply for some time."

And here, paraphrasing a divine manifestation from the Dead Sea Scrolls, he describes his angel/alien tech with Tom Clancy's specificity.

"The flying throne-ship is powered by the whirling blade-wings of revved up Cherubim motors. The 'fiery vision' is caused by exhaust sparks, and 'rivulets of fire' issue from either the main thruster or the feathering action of directional thrusters."

Cherubim spew exhaust? Love itself operates on an internal combustion system? I officially apologize to all mankind for believing we might have had something to do with global warming.

For more examples of holy close encounters, Schellhorn raids Ezekiel, Isaiah, Psalms, Deuteronomy, and Zechariah ("an interesting description of four small craft issuing from what appears to be two large mother ships on their way to reconnoitering with the earth's surface.")

Just one dollar can score you this Roadtrip USA book amusingly vandalized by a local swim team.

Of the star heralding the birth of Christ in Matthew, he asks, "Why does an extraterrestrial spacecraft, if that is what we have here, take special interest in the birth of Christ?" (The answer takes chapters.) Mention of a light "brighter than heaven" in the book of Acts leads him to guess that Saul might have suffered a "radiation burn" just like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters. The nighttime visions of Daniel are explicitly linked to today's UFO abduction stories.

From Greek myth, Gilgamesh and the apocryphal book of Enoch, he deomstrates that man and alien angel have often mated. He applies this to the story of Abraham, who knocked up his wife Sarah despite possessing hundred year-old "generative organs" that Paul called "as good as dead." Schellhorn's conclusion:

"The child born by [Abraham's wife] Sarah may well have come from sperm supplied by our extraterrestrial visitors and artificially inseminated in her womb under hypnosis. She could, conceivably, have been impregnated by beam of energy-matter such as light that somehow could carry the spirochete to the ovum or a completely fertilized egg home to the womb."

SCIENCE LIKE THAT MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE THAN "GOD WILLED IT."

Shocking Detail:

I found a mail-order receipt folded up in my copy of Extraterrestrials in Biblical Prophecy. It seems that in September of 1996 Hollywood resident Calvin G. mailed off for $67.80 worth of UFO literature from Arcturus Books in Port St. Lucie, Florida.

Someone at Arcturus penned Calvin a personal note:

"Thank you--

My, that Tim Beckley sure made you a generous offer - a whole hundred dollars!"

Schellhorn keeps this up for almost 400 pages. He scours the Mayan Hopi, Eskimo, Hindu, Zoroastrian traditions for references to white discs and white horses. He IDs the year 2000 as the date of the return of the planet "Marduk" to our solar neighborhood, which will lead to a "polar shift" that will signal the endtimes of Revelation.

Those endtimes sound like the climax of Independence Day.

"It should not seem so strange an idea that Christ's armies of heaven that descend from the sky during the moments of the Second Coming are his cosmic friends, extraterrestrials complete with tangible spacecraft, who have come from elsewhere in a time of need to be of assistance."

And what might that assistance look like?

"Before confronting the 'beast' and the 'kings from the east' on the field of battle, the physical plucking up and removal into their spacecraft of those elect who can best serve in the sky rather than literally on the ground."

Your Crap Archivist's only absolute rule of life: Never trust the guy whose theology promises you free rides in space ships just because you're special.

Hey, if you're one of the 8 percent of the American public on Twitter, you may as well follow the new @studiesincrap!

Alan Scherstuhl is film editor and writer at Voice Media Group and its film partner, the Village Voice. VMG publications include LA Weekly, Denver Westword, Phoenix New Times, Miami New Times, Broward-Palm Beach New Times, Houston Press, Dallas Observer and OC Weekly.