I just want to stop...

I don't know why tonight is SO hard... or worse than any other night... nothing 'triggered' me... I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I am sitting here crying... as usual lately... hurting, both physically and my wrecked, destroyed heart... and I am looking at my pill bottles... debating... wanting to sleep and stop feeling... stop loving, stop hurting, stop crying... I just don't want this anymore. I gave my mom an extra tight, extra long hug, kissed her goodnight and told her I love her... which is nothing unusual, I always tell her that... but I held on just a little bit longer than normal... just in case I can't fight this... I just don't know what to do... how do I keep fighting this, how do I keep going, faking my way thru life... faking smiles and laughter... pretending to be happy...
I just want this to close my eyes forever... just like an old song by Lita Ford and Ozzy... I want to close my eyes forever...
I need someone to HOLD me... I need Jimmy to hold me... someone to wrap my arms around me... to make me feel alive, make me feel as though life is worth fighting for... to FEEL human contact from someone other than my mom... I need intimacy again... LOVE... that is the only thing that makes me forget my leg pain, my miserable life... LOVE... and the only time I have ever felt it was with Jimmy... so I NEED Jimmy...
I give up on doctors... they are morons and cannot help me... they can't fix my legs, they can't fix my depression, they can't do SHIT! I would be better off DEAD! My mom would be better off with me DEAD! Jimmy would be better off with me DEAD! It just makes SENSE! But I am scared... that is the only thing stopping me... this small fear... I don't even know WHAT I am afraid of... but with each day that goes by lately, that fear gets SMALLER and smaller... and soon it will be gone, and there will be nothing stopping me... then I don't know what if anything could stop me.
I just want to stop hurting... why can't I stop hurting... :cry:

It hurts to yearn so much for love and not have it right now when you really need it, when you need to feel connected to someone. God, I cry about that too. It is very hard to feel that longing, it aches, i know. I am so glad you posted this though, it helped me feel less alone.

i really feel for you - you want someone who you love to comfort you and you're hurting so much :sad:

how do you keep going? maybe you've written it in your post to hang on a little longer and wait until this horrible feelings ease in intensity. i know what it's like to never want to wake up and having your heart wrecked and broken.

if you feel talking about anything else here helpful then maybe myself or other members would help you get you through this period. you're incredibily sweet, caring in your posts to other people and it saddens me that you're in such grotesque pain at the moment. :hug: i know this hug isn't a real life hug but i know what it's like to want to be held and comforted. i usually spend a lot of time wrapped in a duvet in bed sleeping until the horror passes.

you sound like you love your mother very much. i don't know about jimmy but looking at your posts you sound like a very lovable person who has a lot of sincerity and insight, to share with other people.

maybe you can't stop hurting because you're going through something that might take time to heal? maybe pretending to be happy and putting on a mask of fake laughter is making things worse? i don't know. they are just a few thoughts.

i do hope things get easier for you and you don't OD. doctors can be unhelpful- but have you tried a therapist? someone you can sit and talk things through with?

I know the lonliness all to well.. I have been going thru a bout of lonliness here lately too. I am an isolationist and hardly ever come out of my room.. I see everyone with significant others and the love and companionship and iI get jealous.. Why do I have to be this way.. Everyone are trying to get me to start looking for a companion.. I don't see anyone in this room but me..All I can say is hang in there.. You will have good days when the heartache isn't so strong and you will have bad days.. You have to keep hanging on that one day someone will come along..My friends here at the forum are being very supportive of me right now and I hang on to that..Try leaning on some of us..

The part of this that spoke to me the most was you wanting someone to hold you.
My whole life revolves around finding someone who will hold me. It's why I don't ask my guy friends to hang out much. The best feeling in the world is being held, and for a long time. A hug is wonderful, but I'm always thinking... it's going to end . I love being held while watching a movie. I almost feel like the girl in the relationships I'm in because I end up being held during the movie heh.

But, you can create the feeling of being held in different ways. When I watch one of my favorite movies, it's comforting, and it gives me that same feeling, or listen to a beautiful song. When I put a lot of covers on my tightly and hold on to them. There are many different ways to feel held without actually being held.
Even SF can hold you. :hug: :console:

I hear you. I totally do. Your feelings are not uncommon. I feel the same way all of the time. I have felt this way for so long my friends only half listen. I hope you find a reason to keep moving on. Good luck!

So... I didn't do anything... I fought it all night long... but feel so awful right now, a big part of me WISHES I had done it.

I want to thank you all for your responses... I really appreciate the support here on SF... the friends I have made... but some days, I just don't know if it's enough.

For those that don't know already from other posts or talking, since you asked... I became disabled 3 years ago... an unknown mystery condition that caused severe nerve damage in both legs... which causes extreme pain 24/7 for the last three years. On the 1-10 pain scale... the lowest it has gotten in 3 years is about 7... rarely. Most days for me are 8-9, spiking to 10+ many, many days. Nothing the docs do can figure out WHY or HOW... and nothing eases the pain. The ONLY time I have not THOUGHT about the pain all the time was when I was with Jimmy.

I was determined to remain ALONE... I didn't want any attachments... between my disability, not being able to work or drive anymore, and other issues, I didn't feel much like a 'catch'... so I didn't WANT to 'meet' someone special... then out of the blue I met Jimmy... and I tried to deny it, but the minute I met him I KNEW... I felt a connection instantly, like I had known him my whole life. One problem, he lives 5 hours away... but we were really having a great time when we COULD get together! But he made it clear he couldn't get 'serious' yet... he needed time, because he was in a very abusive 10 year relationship, then the guy stalked him for 2 years after they finally broke up. So he was treated horribly... and is afraid to love again. But he admitted he was having strong feelings for me too, that he cared about me, and that he missed me when we weren't together. Then all of a sudden, he said he needed some 'time' alone... to heal his heart... that he couldn't date/fuck anyone... that it isn't me, because he does care... to just give him a little time to think and heal. Over two months went by without a word... he finally contacted me, said he wants to talk, to see me, to make things better... then he has vanished again.
There of course is MUCH more to this... many more details. But I have dated PLENTY... and NEVER once did I ever think 'this is the one' before Jimmy... and even though things have gotten screwed up, because he is afraid to open up... I still believe he is my soulmate... but because of the way he was treated for so long, that may screw up our destiny.
He is the most amazing man I ever met, the best lover I have ever had, and something in him just brings out all the good in me... brings out happiness, my strength, makes me feel ALIVE... another reason I believe we are perfect for each other... just something in him makes everything FEEL "right"... and I KNOW that there will NEVER be another man that feels this way... I settled every time in the past... and will never settle again. So it is him, or nobody!
So... anyway, between my physical shit... the PAIN... and now being without the ONE man I want to be with... I feel worthless, like a total burden to my mom, financially especially... and I won't feel good again unless Jimmy wraps his arms around me again, and holds me... because when he does that, I feel SAFE, HAPPY, ALIVE... my pain doesn't overwhelm me... it just feels RIGHT!
So I just sent him a package with something I sent him... a card, and a short letter... we'll see if he answers this time... the package was delivered today, but he hasn't picked it up yet... (I did signature confirmation, so I would know WHEN he gets it)... but I don't have much hope left... I think his fears have pushed him too far into a hole... into himself, and I think he may continue to run... and I can't keep waiting in silence... I don't mind waiting, going SLOW... as long as we TALK while we are going slow... I can't do the silence thing anymore... and I just don't think I want to keep fighting alone... in pain... and heartbroken... I just don't see the point.
Anyway... thanks for all the support... I am here for now... we'll see how long I can last...

bri, you are such a sweet and kind friend. i care very much for you. you have given me so much friendship and patience, listening to all my girly stuff.
you are a saint.

i was reading your comments, then i was reading all the replies, then i was reading iloveyou's remarks re being held. i can so identify with that.
yes. that is something i want and need. the near constant touch of someone i love, is my greatest need.

don't give up.

life can be truly beautiful.

there is always hope around the corner.

stay here with us - get support - you can find better days, i'm sure of it.
xx