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The Haps

A mobile toddler has dramatically changed my ‘free’ time and I have much less time to think, sit, and write in-depth posts on the various topics rattling around in my brain. Still, so much to say, so little time.

In these intervening weeks between posts, I turned forty-eight (48!). Setting aside the fact that my parents/aunts/uncle did not acknowledge my birthday, it was one of the best, yet. Not even in terms of what I did to celebrate (a fundraising party at a local gourmet foods store that donated 10% of the evenings sales to a charity of my choice), but in terms of who I am, what I know for sure about myself, and who I got to celebrate with (my husband at a scrumptious dinner out alone, my boys at breakfast out, and my friends (I went around the room introducing each person, how I knew them, and for how long and it was touching to see the group assembled). Ultimately, the entire weekend was a happy celebration.

I did speak with an adoption attorney who is also a friend regarding any legal grounds to compel my birth mother to reveal my birth father’s name (I’ve heard nothing from her and at this point don’t expect to). He said that there was loose precedence established by birth fathers whose parental rights had been terminated without their knowledge, back in the day, who successfully sued the adoption agencies for interfering with their parental relationship and thereby were awarded the names of their birth children. Not quite the same thing, and would be a stretch and likely a costly one. So, instead we focused on what motivates her (privacy, secrecy, decorum) and how might we tap into that to compel her. We had many ideas but they all boiled down to confronting her (either an investigator telling her that I’m about to go to the local press in the hopes that someone in the town knows something about my birth father or a reality TV producer telling her that I’ve signed on to a show in the hopes of finding my birth father and that production was about to descend upon the town or even sending her a letter ostensibly from an attorney indicating that I’m about to file suit) and if, instead, she supplied his name, then nothing proceeds.

I know many are thinking that I should drop it, get over it, let it go, come to terms with never knowing 50% of my familial history. But, if you know me, you know that I am NOT wired that way. I am in pursuit of something that I believe to be rightfully mine. I want nothing more from my birth mother and what I do or learn in pursuit of my birth father is mutually exclusive of her. By her not revealing his name to me, it makes me wonder if the story she told the adoption agency is even true or if there is some despicable reason she doesn’t want me to know who he is.

I want to be clear, here, that there is NO circumstance under which I wouldn’t want to know. NONE. The worst scenario I can conjure is that she was raped by her brother or father. And, I whole-heartedly do not believe that either is true, but even if it is, I’d still want to know.

If someone questions my motives or doesn’t understand why this is SO important to me, especially given the circumstances of my life, then there is no way that I can explain it. I am not going to let it go, even if she dies. I do not like being forced between a rock and a hard place or having my back pushed up against a wall. I will ALWAYS come out swinging. That is what survivors do. I did not survive the accident that killed my brother, recover from my physical and emotional injuries, overcome the childhood I had and the estrangement I’m now living with, to be thwarted by a woman I don’t even know. There is nothing about this that is fun for me. I do not like having to consider ways to force her to give me his name. I don’t even like having to engage with her knowing that she’d rather I not. I am not that kind of person. But, my compassion for her does not dilute my need or right to know.

Baby Toddler G turned 17 months. He is into everything. He is the sweetest, happiest, most joyful kid. He’s inquisitive, amiable, easily redirected, sensitive, funny, and such a light in our lives. He does not say any discernible words and it is something I hope will develop over the next months. There is so much I could say, deserving of its own post. My heart and life as a mother are full and complete.

A meeting with my RE has been rescheduled twice and is now on the calendar for next week. I am going to propose one of three roles for myself at the clinic. Even if it doesn’t pan out, I am looking at other opportunities and know that something is in my not too distant future work wise.

My weight has remained stable (in spite of myriad attempts to move the scale) since February. I now only weigh myself once/week and measure myself once/month. I’m not content to remain at this weight, but I also refuse to beat myself up over it. I don’t like the way I look, but I am fit and strong and have energy and have cleaned up my eating and my relationship to and with food considerably. There are many converging factors that make it difficult for me to lose weight and I’m actually not sure how I will proceed or when, but, for now, enough with the self-flagellating.

My husband has been away on business and returns this evening. I did not fall to pieces. In fact, it felt quite normal to me for him to be gone while I managed the house and both kids. It has been more than manageable. That’s not to say that I and we don’t miss him because we do, but it is to say that I have come a long way in my recovery from PPD and feel mentally and emotionally fit.

In 5 days my older son’s first grade year will come to an end. He will be a second grader, people!

Oh, and I’m about to FINALLY attempt to address my debilitating fear of flying by using a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). You can read more about it here. My therapist is certified in it.

12 comments to The Haps

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Happy belated birthday!
Because I have trouble controlling my imagination, I’ll offer my guesses as to why your birth mom steadfastly refuses to reveal her secret.
1. As suggested earlier, she could be a victim of rape and may not want to open any door to possible contact with the rapist.
2. As suggested above, he might be famous.
3. She honestly might not know his name/full name and perhaps she is embarrassed by that fact. I.e. drunken frat house hook up?
4. He has threatened her or her children in some way if she tells.
5. He has paid her a substantial sum to keep quiet.
6. He is in prison.

Happy birthday! One thought, could your birth mother be fearing retribution or harm from the birth father or family if they still live in the same community? Just trying to think of reasons she would stonewall all of your honest attempts to get health information. Maybe he is someone in a leadership position or something in the community. Hoping for you…. Thanks for writing about your process.

Happy birthday! It sounds like you’re really in your element with parenting, food, etc… I hope you find some answers and can have peace re: your birth father. So interesting about the EMDR, I’ve never even heard of it, and have just been perusing the site you linked too—they talk specifically about one of my fears (spiders)!

You are one determined woman, but anyone can tell that by looking at your family building history. I admire your ability to persevere. Perhaps you could tell your story to the local paper or TV station and the coverage might get you some answers.

As for the EMDR, I did it once to deal with some trauma around a particularly anxious day about getting pregnancy results and it worked for me, so I hope it can assist you in your fear of flying. I think that’s a far bigger deal than what I had to deal with.

Awhile back, there was some discussion of hiring a private investigator to find your birth father. Why did you veto that idea? I feel like it might actually work better than trying to get the info from your birth mother, and it would avoid hurting her. Who knows her reasons for refusing to tell you? But you can’t force her, no matter how much pressure you put on her.

If it works and you get over your fear of flying, does that mean you’ll come out to the east coast to visit?

First and foremost, happy birthday!

I would never tell you to drop it. Your heart knows what it needs. And beyond that, this is somewhat time sensitive. You need the information from a person, and a person is finite. So, yes, you need to keep pursuing if you want the information. Waiting isn’t going to help anything.