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Saturday, July 5, 2014

Positive conclusions despite the darkness

Well, that didn't last long. I deleted the link off my Twitter bio. I'm not ready for that yet, apparently. I'm feeling guarded. Which I'm sure is a direct result of Jake completely blowing me off last night. Yep. Here's what happened:

As you know we had made tentative plans to watch the fireworks together. I say tentative because no actual physical plans were made, he just said he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant that we would be seeing each other.

Yesterday I was trying my best to be cool and carefree. Not knowing what time or any other details was definitely driving me crazy. I like to plan things a little. I was going out of my way to stay relaxed, to trust that it would all work. I took a long ass walk, a couple miles, all the while talking to myself, telling myself it's fine.

While I was out walking he texted me that he "should be home around 8:30". That's it, no other information. My blood immediately boiled. Apparently he was out of town at his roommate's parent's house. After considering the best way to cover my ass I sent him a text asking if he was thinking of staying out there and if so let me know so I can make other plans. Because 8:30 ish is kind of late for the fourth.

He responded with a vague "I'm not missing the fireworks but logistically it might be better for you to make other plans and we could meet later". Logistically my ass.

At this point I had a feeling of doom in my stomach so I bought a pack of cigarettes at the gas station with my credit card (bad!). Thankfully I did have somewhere else to go, my new friend/coworker Denise had invited me over.

I texted Jake back "I see" for him to interpret however the fuck he wanted. Then I showered and had a glass of wine. I put on a beautifully patriotic outfit, looked myself in the eye in the mirror and felt pretty, said to myself, "he's a fool", hopped in the car and drove 25 minutes to her townhouse in the suburbs.

There were four of us: two guys and two girls. Always a good mix. Her boyfriend shot off a bunch of fireworks in the street and we enjoyed the show their neighbor put on! There were fireworks in every direction it was actually really nice. The other dude was def hot.

But in my heart and maybe in my head I was feeling vulnerable and defensive. I talked more to Denise and her boyfriend then the other guy. We were drinking and smoking weed and cigarettes a lot, me on a completely empty stomach. The drunker I got (we were drinking whiskey with full fat cola) (I cringe when I consider the calories), the more I wanted him to hit on me and for us to hook up. Nothing at all happened and I passed out on the couch, alone.

I woke up at 6AM cold and alone. I drove my fat ass to mcdonalds and bought a egg and cheese biscuit and a hashbrown. I ate in my car while exhausted and still drunk. It sobered me just barely enough to drive down the center of the highway with tunnel vision. I stumbled up the steps of my apartment, put on pjs and thought I would get sick. I didn't, and fell back asleep.

I feel shame about buying fast food. I should've known better than to drink whiskey on an empty stomach. I hate doing that. I just needed not to feel.

At some point in the middle of the night last night I texted Jake asking where he ended up. He responded that he fell asleep and missed the fireworks. I have no idea absolutely no clue if this is the truth. He has no reason to lie. But seriously, if you didn't plan to see me why the hell would you ask to? Or if your plans changed why couldn't you just tell me? I'm so confused by him. Why can't he be real with me!?

So of course this afternoon when I woke up wide awake and remembering the events of the past twenty four hours I had to text him. I sent him one of my famous mean texts. I held back, a little, because I'm trying to be more aware of what I say in anger. I tend to regret it later.

I said: Thank god I didn't stick around waiting for you. Don't say you want to see me and then blow me off..especially on a holiday? You're not even a friend, you're untrustworthy."

Harsh. Reading it again to copy it verbatim from my phone, I can feel the frustration. It has been an hour and a half and he has not responded.

It's fine. Probably for the best. We are both pushing each other away, that's how it feels. We have a great time together and then one or both freaks out and reclaims mad distance until the other is forced to form fucked up conclusions. And of course it all happens over text, the shittiest form of communication there ever was.

It's sad. On the bright side, I did have fun last night. I like having a new friend. It was cool to be out in the 'burbs because I'm a city girl now. There was a lot of air, a lot of wide open space. Trees, nicely paved roads. It was a good time and I'm glad I went. I made the best of a bad situation and sometimes that's all you can do.

As for Jake...well sucks to be him. He missed out. I have no clue if he'll respond to my message and he really doesn't even need to. Unless it's an apology. Or he could just...pick up the phone and call.

I'm trying so hard not to feel bitter.

This turned into a really long post. I wonder if you're still reading? Loneliness is a terrible thing. Good thing I like myself lately. Sometimes I'm ok. Therapy is helping.