Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Black Cherry & Vanilla Coke Earns Thumbs Down

So, how many different types of Coke will come out in any given year? As many as you, the consumer, are willing to purchase in bulk to store away for months after the quasi-disgusting product is discontinued just so that later you have a monopoly on disgusting, oily sludge. In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that I, too, purchase these products. However, it is only so that I may pass on my potentially life saving opinion to the readers. So we should probably just stick to focusing my rage at you.

We all know Coke is the greatest soda ever invented. We must live in a Moxie-less world and, as such, we accept that Coke rules us all. Sure, Dr. Pepper tastes wonderful (and you can even make a cake with it) but Coke is the Old Reliable of soft drinks. If we were to travel into the generic brands of soda our arms would instantly reach forth toward the most tantalizing mistress in the pop world, Black Cherry. How often in a stoned stupor have we clutched to the over-sized, under-priced bottle thinking “This is too good to be true” and, only a few short sobering hours later learned that we were correct? Black Cherry remains the siren soda of our childhood…and yet, no major company ever comes forth to provide us with a taste worthy of the name. Dear reader, that day has still not come.

Coke couldn’t go balls out with its Black Cherry soda. Instead, like Fox Broadcasting attempting to taint a potential Dave Chappelle pilot, needed to whiten the whole thing up with what they patronizingly term “a kiss” of vanilla. As though we didn’t get enough vanilla in the Coke with Vanilla, Cherry Vanilla Coke, Vanilla Coke with a twist of Lime and all their gay diet variations. They take the one thing this world really needs and ruin it with a flavor that, if I really felt like I needed, I could just pull out of my spice drawer and pour in. I could even get some Vanilla flavored liquors to help out if I couldn’t figure out my spice drawer. Where is the Black Cherry liquor? No where. This soda sucks but sucks marginally less when spiked with Jack.

One thing is for sure we can always pack the shit into a Costco container then ship it off to Canada. A new French fried label and every Canadian will want two. If that fails just offer them a few extra air miles.