WARNING: This poem contains some intense topics. It's also got a common trigger that can be serious, but people rarely think of this one in the context of trigger warnings: past reference to bad teachers. If that's an issue for you, definitely highlight the spoilery warnings. The inside of Shiv's head is a mess, and this poem lays out more reasons why. He had some truly terrible art teachers, and other people who mistreated him for trying to express his emotions. Yes, what he feels is often scary, but that's typical of abused children, and punishing them for showing their damage just makes it massively worse. The poem also includes references to past child abuse, extremely negative self-talk and self-recrimination, fear of punishment, resignation, One True Wayism, bad tape, discussion about the meaning and purposes of art, hesitation, intense art therapy, intrusive thoughts and horrible emotions, minor mistakes, panic attacks, prolonged duress stress disorder, talking about feelings, educational suppression, past bullying, insecurity, past bad therapy, and other challenges. Current environment is supportive. Please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.

"Drawing Out the Feelings"

When Dr. G came to collect Shiv,for therapy, he was carrying not onlythe familiar silver briefcase but alsoa larger carrying case of some kind.

"We'll be working in the craft room today,"Dr. G said cheerfully, "so I broughtsome extra supplies to explore."

What supplies? Shiv wonderedas they walked, but said nothing aloud.

Mr. Vanburen unlocked the craft roomand waved them both inside. "Go ahead."Then he closed the door, leaving them alone, and Dr. G turned on the privacy field.

"No, I'll leave that to Tolliver, who knows what he's doing with it," said Dr. G."I understand that you're a visual thinker, so I packed some art cards and prompts.You also have a strong tactile focus.I didn't think that you would like the textured finger paints --"

"That's for babies!" Shiv protested.

"-- and apparently I was right about that,so I figured we could try creme pastelsinstead," Dr. G finished smoothly as he opened the large carrying case.

Shiv quickly realized it was that sizebecause it held big pieces of paper,along with some kind of cards and many colorful sticks and pencils.

He reached for one, hesitated,then looked at Dr. G.

"We'll get to the pastels in a minute,"the shrink said. "Let's start with the art cards." He took them out.

They were big, thick cards with all different images on them.Some showed pictures of thingsor people, while others werejust random blobs of color.

One was part blue and part orange;another had shapes of all colors.

There were two blue birds and a sun,a cowering black-and-brown girl, and then some bugs crawling on a person's mouth.

"Earlier we talked about emotionsand art therapy," said Dr. G, "butI didn't have much to offer you, andyou were already wound up. Todaywe can take time to set the stage.Pick an image that you like."

Shiv wavered between his favorites,then settled on the cat. "I like him.He's got that look on his face that cats get when they don't like the food you put out,or they sneer at you because they thinkthey're better than you -- ha ha, I'm a cat and you're not."

Dr. G smiled. "Those are very good observations," he said."What else can you tell me about this picture?'

I never get this stuff right, he thought,shrinking into himself a little more.

Dr. G flipped over the picture,showing words on the back.

"People have a lot of the same ideasabout colors and images," he said."So we can use those to draw thingsthat don't actually have shapes.It's called symbolism -- a wayof turning the abstract concrete."

"Like how you talked abouta concrete block as somethingto touch, and then you told meto try drawing boredom," Shiv said.He could imagine touching concrete,but his mind kind of went blank when he thought about boredom.

"Exactly," said Dr. G. "Now look at the text on the back of this art card."He pointed to a few words. "Contempt is when you think you're better than someone else. Here's dislike, youmentioned that, along with red andblack. You did a good job."

Shiv wasn't used to hearing thatfrom an art teacher. Usually peopledidn't like what he drew, or what he saidabout someone else's picture. So he'dlearned to keep it to himself.

"My turn to pick one," said Dr. G,nudging the blue-and-orange cardtoward Shiv. "What do you think of this?"

"That's not fair," Shiv protested."It's just colors. It's not a pictureof anything. There's nothing to say."

"This one is abstract," said Dr. G."How does it make you feel, orwhat do the shapes remind you of?"

"I dunno," Shiv said. "It's gloomy.It looks like the blue is pressing downon the orange, but the orange isfighting back and won't go away."

Go orange, he thought to himself.Kick that blue cloud where it lives.

"See, you know exactly what you're doing with this," said Dr. G."This card is for sorrow." He flipped it."You said 'press' and look, here it isin 'depressed' and 'oppression.' Youalso got the part about fighting back,and named the blue and the orange.Did you have another favorite?"

"Yeah, but it's not really a picture,"Shiv said as he grabbed the graffiti card."It's writing, just dressed up a lot. I like how the letters are hard and sharp.It looks like they're angry."

"We call that word art," said Dr. G."The letters make a kind of picture.What about this bit up here?"

"That's the artist's tag, his signature,"Shiv said. "It looks almost like a dragon,flying over a big black mountain, or maybeit's meant to be a city. The red and yellow could be a forest fire. I don't know aboutthe green and blue. They don't go."

Dr. G reversed the card. "This is for anger, just like you said. You gotalmost all the associations this time!Plus you talked about the lines themselves.Thick lines like this are bold and stubborn.Diagonal ones are tense and restless.Jagged shapes give a warning."

"I like graffiti, but it's just one more thingthat gets me in trouble," Shiv said.

"There's nothing wrong with this style of art,"Graham said. "It just bothers people when youtag their territory without asking them first -- you should understand that as a challenge,you wouldn't like it if someone came alongand sprayed the side of your lair."

Shiv snickered, covering his mouth."My boss would go apeshit."

"Anyway, there are festivals for street artwhere landlords can volunteer buildings to get painted, or sometimes people use slabs of drywall instead," said Dr. G. "This style is pretty popular. The division between word art and visual art is not nearly as clear as many people believe."

Graffiti can be art, Shiv mused.I didn't see that one coming.

Dr. G stirred the rest of the cards."Play around with the others now,and see how you do with them."

So Shiv looked at the cards andturned them over, one at a time.He was surprised to find that usually some of the things he thought ofwere printed right on the back.

He still didn't touch the bug card, though.

"It's okay, almost nobody likes this one,"Dr. G said, and turned it himself."This card is for disgust."

"All colors have a combination ofpositive and negative meanings,"said Dr. G. "Look at the other cardsand compare them. The interpretationsaren't identical on all of them, evenwhen they use the same colors."

Shiv looked. Dr. G was right."But then how do you knowwhich is the real meaning?"

"The real meaning of art isn't carved in stone," said Dr. G. "It's about how a picture makes you feel. So it can mean different things to different people, and that's perfectly okay."

"These cards aren't about telling youwhat to feel or how to paint an emotionor what the colors have to mean," said Dr. G."They're just to give you ideas aboutsome different ways that peoplehave drawn feelings before."

The pictures and the colorsand the words on the backswere running together insideShiv's head, but this time it wasn't so confusing. It was like watching oil rainbows in a puddle behind the garage.

"They're pretty," Shiv said."Well, some of them are."

"Art can be pretty, or ugly, and both of those are important," said Dr. G.

"Why?" said Shiv. "I mean ... they're only pictures, aren't they?Some of these are just scribbles."

"Previously you told me that it didn't feel like we were 'really' doing anything when we were drawing," said Dr. G."So let me point out that art can be for all kinds of reasons. It can help youto relax and have fun. It can providea way to express things you feel, but don't have the words for."

"It doesn't have be ..." Shiv's voice trailed off, remembering all the timesan art teacher or camp counselorhad ragged on him about whathe drew or how he didn'tfollow instructions well."... anything just so?"

"Art doesn't have to be anything but itself, and the same is true of art therapy," said Dr. G. "You canjust draw, and if it helps you feel calmor work through things in your head, that's useful. If you're drawing out the feelings,then at least they're not just sitting thereinside making you uncomfortable."

"But what if I don't know how to do it right?" Shiv asked.What he really meant was,You have to be an artist forthis stuff, and I'm not an artist.

"That's okay," said Dr. G."There is no right or wrong wayto do art therapy, just some thingsthat work more often than others do.If you get stuck, you can ask me and I'll help you figure out what to try nextor what your picture might mean."

Shiv's fingers were itching for those pastels.He knew it would just get him in trouble,because he always wound up in trouble,but that never stopped him.

"So can I ... maybe try the colors?"he said softly, looking down at his hands.

"I was hoping you'd say that," Dr. G replied with a big grin. Then hebrought out two pieces of paper, each onewith a few circles and ovals already printed on it."Art prompts make it easier to get started."

When Dr. G pushed the pastels toward him,Shiv didn't hesitate to grab one of the sticks,but then the texture made him pause.

What is this? he wondered.

It was thick, creamy, almost silkyto the touch. It wasn't greasy, though.The color flowed over his fingertips and,when he wiped them on the paper, it left brilliant smudges of blue,like a glacier he'd seen on TV.

Meanwhile Dr. G had grabbeda schoolbus-yellow stick to fill insome of the circles on his page.

Shiv didn't really know what to do,he wasn't an artist, but he didn't care.Nobody was bugging him to draw thisor do that. He just reveled in the feelof the creme pastels against his skinand smearing over the paper.

He filled in most of the pagewith loops of blue and green,but then found himself thinkingof those awful art classes again.

It hurt somewhere that he couldn't find,like a splinter that wouldn't work its way out.

He dropped the purple he was holdingand grabbed the red, filling one cornerwith angry curls of color, like fire,jabbing into the cool calm blue.

I can get calm, but I can't stay calm,he thought. Something alwayspokes itself into my head.

Then Shiv got mad at himself for following the lines, because he hated obeying rules and people were always nagging him to be good (he wasn't) and to color inside the lines (he couldn't)and it just made him want to spit.

"That's very expressive," said Dr. Gas he made some wavy green stripes."I'm glad you're getting into this."

That little bit of encouragementjust made Shiv's temper burn hotter.

He swept his hand across the page,blurring the lines into broad smears,and oh, it felt so good to do that --

until he realized that his eager swipes had smeared color off the paper onto the table.

Suddenly he couldn't breathe.

Now he was gonna get it for sure,because he always got in trouble formaking a mess and ruining things.

They'd probably never let himcome back to the craft room, anddammit, he was just starting to like it.

This is why we can't have nice things,said the acid voice in the back of his mind.

Shiv swallowed hard around the lump in his throat

Then secretly, slowly, he moved his arm toward the smear. Maybe it would wipe off well enough that nobody would notice what he did.

"Ah ah ah, not with your sleeve," Dr. G said, as he caught Shiv quite gently around the wrist.

Shiv pulled away and hunched into himself.

"Didn't mean it," he muttered, as if that ever helped.

"Well, it's my fault that we went off the edges," said Dr. G. "I thought these pages would bebig enough, but they're obviously not."

Startled, Shiv glanced over at Dr. G's picture.It was a riot of bright colors in long, looping arcsand one upthrust line of blue and green that reminded him of a tree.

The lines went off the paper onto the table in several places.

Great, now we're BOTH in trouble.

"It's a good thing that I broughtcloths and the cleaner," said Dr. G.He brought out a fresh rag and a potof some white gunk, then used thoseto scrub the colors off the table.

The mess cleaned right up.

"Wow, that's good stuff," Shiv said.

I wonder if it would work on oil, or blood, he thought to himself.

"It's designed to release the binder in the creme pastels," said Dr. G. "Nontoxic, so we can use it on our hands too, but sadly it's not much use for getting stains out of fabric. We should probably wash our hands and roll up our sleeves before we go back to work."

Then he handed Shiv the pot.

Shiv went to the sink and washed his hands, amazedat how the colors ran off andleft his skin perfectly clean.Then he dried off androlled up his sleeves.

Meanwhile Dr. G had gone to the door and asked Mr. Vanburenabout other art supplies.

The guard stepped into the craft roomand showed Dr. G where to findthe big rolls of butcher paperand the masking tape.

Dr. G covered the table with paperand then taped fresh blank pageson top of it. "I really should havethought of this before, too," he said.

"Thought of what?" Shiv asked.

"Protecting the table," said Dr. G."Technically speaking, I am not an art therapist, I just know a fewof the tools and techniques. I bettheir training covers things likehow not to make a total messof yourself and your space."

They were mostly white paper, but he used the pastels left on his handsto add smudges of purple and pink and blue.

It was pretty, but you couldn't hideugly behind pretty for long.

Out came the black again, spilling into the narrow gaps leftbetween the clouds and the curlicues.

When Shiv finally sat back,he was startled to discover thathis back hurt, he'd been sittingso long in one position and leaning over his paper.

Dr. G stretched too, his back popping as he did.

"Old man," Shiv said, laughing.

"Well, I'd like to think I have a few years left," said Dr. G."How do you think we did?"

"Yours is all soft and shiny,"Shiv said, looking at Dr. G's picture.

His life must be really niceto make pretty pictures like that,Shiv thought. Mine is just a mess.

"I was thinking about people," said Dr. G. "We're all balls of energy at heart, wrapped in skin. When we touch, sometimes our energy merges, but other times the skin gets in the way."

"Huh," Shiv said, staring hard at the swirls and blobs of buttery yellowsurrounded by bands of blue and purple.

"Yours looks very powerful," said Dr. G."Would you like to talk about it,or keep it to yourself?"

Shiv actually had to stop and think about that.

Normally he hated talking about himself, butright now he felt so empty inside, there wasnothing for it to rub against and bother him.

It was as if he had somehow poured outhis thoughts and feelings onto the paper,and now they weren't inside him anymore.

"I was just thinking," he said slowly,one finger tracing the wavy lines,"about some stuff that happened."

"You used plenty of black, but alsoa lot of bright colors," said Dr. G."Maybe you were recalling a mix of good and bad memories?"

"I was daydreaming for a while,and it ... went south on me," Shiv said.

Everything does, sooner or later, he thought, but that awareness held less sting than it usually did.

"Art is the sharing of dreams, and the telling of nightmares,"Dr. G said solemnly.

"Yeah," Shiv said, followingthe blue and yellow ribbons."I like the way the metal feelswhen I call it -- like it could beanything, only it turns sharpbecause that's what I need."

"Oh!" said Dr. G, leaning forward."Is that how your superpower feels,these long spiral lines? How remarkable!"

"Me and the metal, together," said Shiv."Or glass, or whatever. Well no, glass doesn't flow like metal does. It's more like --"He pressed the edge of a pastel stick against the background paper, making marks like scales. "It wants to flake, instead."

"You chose mostly bright colors for that part," said Dr. G. "So maybeyou like the way it feels to you?"

"Yeah," Shiv said softly.He rubbed his fingers together,enjoying the feel of the cremeleft behind on his fingers.

"In some places, the purple and bluefade into the black," Dr. G observed."Then everything runs together inthe corner. That's interesting."

"I was thinking about ... the cafeteria,"Shiv hedged, not really wantingto talk about the chayne.

I wish it would just go awayand leave me alone, he thought.

But the elephant had definitely not left the room.

"That's a big thing to think about," said Dr. G."How do you feel now, compared to when you started drawing?"

"Like when you get done withthe dishes and dump the bucket,"Shiv said, nodding in satisfaction.

Yeah, that's how I feel.It helped to have a comparison.

"Bucket?" echoed Dr. G,his eyebrows going up in confusion.

"You know, when the drain doesn't workso you have to bail the dishwater into a bucketand dump it down the toilet?" Shiv explained.

"Ah, now I understand," said Dr. G."Empty, and maybe cleaner?"

"Yeah," Shiv said. "I didn't knowthat just scribbling could do that.I thought it was only something for bored kids to do, or a way to keep the art teacher off my back."

"It's one of the main things that people like about art therapy," said Dr. G. "You squeeze outyour feelings onto paper so thatyou don't have to carry themaround inside all the time."

"Wow," Shiv said. "That's amazing."

"It's not a magic fix," Dr. G warned him."You'll find that the feelings come backeventually -- but the more you work with them, the longer it will take, until they mostly stop bothering you."

Nothing's ever easy, Shiv mused.I wish I'd known about this sooner, and that it didn't freak people out so much. Maybe then ... some things would've turned out different than they did.

"So now what?" he asked aloud.

"Well, our time is almost up for today,"said Dr. G. "First we need to clean upthe space for other people to use."He started peeling up the tape.

Shiv helped collect the creme pastelsand put them back in their boxes.They made a flat little rainbow.

"I kinda liked these," he said.

"The creme pastels are part of my art therapy supplies, so they're not for you to keep, but I can bring themanother time if you wish," said Dr. G."I don't do a lot of art therapy butit's a good method to keep handy.I should probably watch for a classand upgrade my skill set in this."

"But ... you're a grownup," said Shiv. "Classes are for kids."

Dr. G scowled, fiercely enough to make Shiv lean away.

Shit, don't hit me, I'm sorryI ever brought it up!

"No," said Dr. G, "continuing education is for everyone. Sometimes grownups need to learn new skills, or peoplejust want to learn things for fun."

"Okay," Shiv said, patting the air.

"Now, what would you like to dowith your pictures?" Dr. G asked.

"What do you mean?" Shiv said.He hadn't thought that far ahead.

"Some people burn them to banishthe bad thoughts, which isn't an option for us today, but shredding works too," said Dr. G.Other people prefer to keep theirs."

Shiv curled his arm protectively around his picture, remembering all the timesthat bigger kids had taken his and torn them up for fun.

"I have a folio here," said Dr. G."I know there's a limit to how much stuffyou can keep in your cell, so I'd be happyto hang onto your artwork for you, if that's okay."

He reached into the big case for somethingthat looked kind of like a giant envelopebut had strings on it. He slid the picturesinside it and wrapped the strings around.

Then he brought out another one ofthe ladybug-looking-things like what had fastened the strings on the backpack before.

"This is a miniature biometric lock," said Dr. G."Do you want to lock it, or shall I do it?"

"You do it," said Shiv. He wasn't surehe trusted someone else's gizmoenough to put his fingers on it.

No telling what can go wrong with those things, he thought to himself. He'd seen some gizmotronic accidents,and never wanted to see another one up close.It's better to stick with knives.

Dr. G pressed the little device between his fingers, the 'wings' flicked closed, and then hedemonstrated the lock by tugging the strings."Safe and sound," he declared.

"You really don't mind that -- that I made mistakes and drew onthe table and my pictures were allmessy and weird?" Shiv said slowly.

"I really don't mind," Dr. G said."Remember, I went off the paper too,and the whole point of this exercise wasto help you feel better. That worked."

"Yeah," Shiv said. "It's just ...people usually get mad about the mistakes."

"There's a saying," Dr. G replied."Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

The idea of mistakes as not only okaybut maybe important somehow wasso unfamiliar, it rattled around in Shiv's mind like when he droppeda spoon in the dump bucket.

Dr. G gathered all of his suppliesand put the boxes and envelopes into the pockets of his big carrying case. "Do you remember where the tape and the butcher paper go?"

"Yeah, I got it," said Shiv,and put those away.

"Last wash and we're done,"Dr. G said, herding Shivtoward the sink.

The cleaner was still amazing,and Shiv enjoyed watching the colors swirl away.

"I think this was a productive session,"Dr. G said as they walked toward the door."What do you think, Shiv?"

"It was good," he said quietly.

That was a surprise. He'd nevergotten much out of therapy beforehe met Rosie and Dr. G, other thanthe occasional headache. Usuallyit was just a big waste of time.

They hadn't actually talked much,aside from discussing the art cardsat the beginning and then a little about the pictures they'd made.

Dr. G had only made a few comments about Shiv's picture, instead of pokingand prying deeper to make him discussthe incident itself. That was great.

"We could ... maybe do thisagain some time?" Shiv said.

"We certainly can," Dr. G agreed.

Even after Mr. Vanburen walked Shivback to his cell, and Shiv lay on his bedthinking about the meeting, he still felt empty and quiet inside.

Oh yeah, Shiv thought. That wasn't a waste of time after all.

* * *Notes:

Graham's art carrier has a large central section for paper or pictures, with several side pockets for supplies.

The prison craft room has several long tables for working on projects, plus shelves and cabinets for materials.

Local-America has chalk pastels and oil pastels. T-American creme pastels are retro-engineered tech. They have intense colors with a silky, creamy texture that blends very easily across all the formats. The sticks come in soft or hard, for drawing in broad stokes. The pencils also come in soft or hard, for finer details. The paste is held in small jars, meant to be applied with sponges. Some artists like to use their hands or other tools for working with creme pastels. There are various techniques for using pastels, including portraiture. You can even make your own soft pastels.

It's often easier to start with a basic set of art supplies to learn how they work, so that's what Graham carries. In creme pastels, these are hard pastels and hard pencils, for fine details. They blend well, but usually require a blending stick or kneaded eraser to do it. Terramagne has excellent art supplies for representing a wide range of ethnic features, such as this set of hard creme pastels for portraits. In creme pastels, these are soft pastels for making large swipes of color. They are the easiest to blend, especially with fingers. Shiv and Graham are using mostly the soft ones today, because Shiv adores the silky texture.

Art is interactive by nature -- what a person gets out of a piece of art is heavily dependent on what they bring to it. A piece of artwork is like a mirror; the art stays the same, but everyone who looks at it sees something different.

"It looks almost like a dragon,flying over a big black mountain, or maybeit's meant to be a city. The red and yellowcould be a forest fire. I don't know aboutthe green and blue. They don't go."

Well, I certainly know where my brain went -- straight to Smaug attacking Laketown! But if T-Earth doesn't have that story, or Shiv hasn't heard about it, he wouldn't recognize that.

This is why we can't have nice things,said the acid voice in the back of his mind.

Oh FFS. Those teachers weren't artists, and didn't hang out with artists. There might be such a thing as an artist with a tidy studio, but I have yet to encounter one! Oh sure, you have to pick up and sort out occasionally just so that stuff doesn't either get lost or pile up in your work area until you don't have space to work, but it always just gets messy again.

And yes, when you're doing artwork of any sort, protecting the workspace from overflow mess is a good idea. But you won't figure that out until the first time you forget. :-)

"You know, when the drain doesn't workso you have to bail the dishwater into a bucketand dump it down the toilet?" Shiv explained.

Important background information! Shiv has lived in at least one home where there was no money for household maintenance, and so when the sink clogged up it stayed that way for a long time. Also, Graham has obviously never had that experience or known anyone who did (or who talked about it, at least), so he failed to recognize what Shiv was saying.

Shit, don't hit me, I'm sorryI ever brought it up!

Yep, that's the abused-child reflex, all right. But also, the idea that "classes are for kids" and that becoming a grownup means you never have to sit in a classroom again is fairly common across all social strata.

>> Art is interactive by nature -- what a person gets out of a piece of art is heavily dependent on what they bring to it. A piece of artwork is like a mirror; the art stays the same, but everyone who looks at it sees something different. <<

Absolutely -- but that also means people need art they can relate to. Shiv understands cats and graffiti. Classical art, not so much.

>>Well, I certainly know where my brain went -- straight to Smaug attacking Laketown! But if T-Earth doesn't have that story, or Shiv hasn't heard about it, he wouldn't recognize that. <<

*laugh* They do have it, and Shiv has probably at least heard of it, but it's not the first association in his mind.

>>Oh FFS. Those teachers weren't artists, and didn't hang out with artists. There might be such a thing as an artist with a tidy studio, but I have yet to encounter one! Oh sure, you have to pick up and sort out occasionally just so that stuff doesn't either get lost or pile up in your work area until you don't have space to work, but it always just gets messy again. <<

Shiv spent way too much time with teachers and foster parents who were more concerned with controlling him than actually repairing the damage. Which made it a lot worse.

>> And yes, when you're doing artwork of any sort, protecting the workspace from overflow mess is a good idea. But you won't figure that out until the first time you forget. :-) <<

Thus demonstrating why mistakes are important: so you can learn.

>> Important background information! Shiv has lived in at least one home where there was no money for household maintenance, and so when the sink clogged up it stayed that way for a long time. <<

Exactly. Part of the problem is that Shiv has a lower-class background, which means a lot of resources that would've helped were simply out of reach.

>>Also, Graham has obviously never had that experience or known anyone who did (or who talked about it, at least), so he failed to recognize what Shiv was saying. <<

Or if Graham has, it wasn't enough to leave a lasting impression that made an easy connection to Shiv's reference.

>> Yep, that's the abused-child reflex, all right. But also, the idea that "classes are for kids" and that becoming a grownup means you never have to sit in a classroom again is fairly common across all social strata. <<

Part of it is that Shiv hates school because it was miserable for him. But part is because he never felt welcome there, and people constantly told him that he was stupid and doing it wrong and never going to amount to anything. That makes him mentally wall off the idea of any further education as not available to him. Which is all kinds of wrong because T-American law requires the foster system to provide family support if it fails to secure a new family for the children who can't be returned to their original one. That includes funding an education. Shiv doesn't know that part yet.

>> Yes. See also, "Engineering is a collection of successful recipes. Science is a bunch of kids playing in the kitchen and making a mess." - Dr. Jordin Kare <<

Well said.

>> Breakthrough! <<

It really is. Shiv realized that something was actually working for him, enough to be worth repeating, and was then willing to say so aloud.

Shiv being so relaxed after this somehow gave me, I dunno, sympathetic relaxation? My background is nowhere near as chaotic and basically awful as his, but a lot of his mental associations are spot on, so this is kinda therapy-by-proxy.

First, the whole piece struck just the right balance between exposition, emotional support, and Shiv's bleeding-ulcer reality tunnel. That's impressive.

>>>He was painting from life,bright colors and knife edges,falling into the things he had seen and the place where secrets were kept. <<<

THIS. So very much THIS is why I think Shiv is a >malleable character. He can be something other than a MINDLESS thug. I try to achieve a similar tone when I write him, but I think your bluntness works better.

>> As long as we keep within the audience's tolerance levels for "shifting moods," I think we're good. <<

I agree. It helps if the shifts have a clear cause, there is a more stable character present, and comfort is provided. I am fascinated by how intense people like the action, as long as there are buffers for it.

>> I do love that Shiv is so labile overall! <<

He really is. He can change moods in a split second, and they're big changes sometimes. That makes it harder for him to control himself, and difficult for other people to help him or even predict his responses.

You know Graham a bit better than I do -- would you like to pick up the discussion of labile mood? Shiv probably hasn't heard that one. I suspect that people would go for more obvious, close-but-not-quite things commonly associated with troubled youth:

* depression (sometimes accurate, but it doesn't last, and he usually has more energy and aggression than that)

* oppositional defiant disorder (dead wrong, because he has a subordinate mode; he just refuses to obey people he doesn't respect)

* explosive outburst disorder (probably accurate)

Shiv doesn't like talking about his feelings, but this would be valid payback after any of the several meltdowns we have sketched out. "What happened? Do you understand why it happened? Can you tell when that sort of thing is about to happen? Can you stop it or channel it in a safe direction? Do you have ways of shifting your mood, if you don't like the mood you're in?" Which is not directly talking about what Shiv feels, but the process of managing it.

Interestingly, another of my artist characters -- Waverly Fitzgerald -- actually has Labile Mood on her character sheet. She doesn't medicate it because the drugs that stablize her mood also stifle her creativity, a common complaint about psychotropic drugs. Instead she manages it with community support, which works great for her.

I'll take the discussion of labile mood-- and I think I'll show how serious the conversations are by having Graham show up for the regular session, deal with the meltdown, leave Shiv with Travis and Ambrose, specifically, to arrange a hotel room, and then have several more sessions in the next two days.

Anything you want to fit into a three- day span which is impromptu, and thus, easier to get past Warden Uptight would work!

I am fascinated by how intense people like the action, as long as there are buffers for it.

Have you seen the discussion we've been having on <user name=haikujaguar site="livejournal.com>'s journal on emotional intimacy in fiction <a href='http://haikujaguar.livejournal.com/1527600.html#comments'>here</a>? It reminds me a fair bit of your work as well, so if you find people's reactions interesting the discussion might also interest you. ^_^

>> Hmm.. crème pastels sound like something that should be possible to make. <<

Likely so.

They use a synthetic base instead of wax/resin like chalk pastels or oil like oil pastels. So their texture and performance are superior. They come in multiple formats and densities, blend well in use, and dry slowly. You can get special paper with a fixative in the sizing that assists the drying process to make the pictures fully stable, but it's not cheap, so not everyone uses it.

>> That, and I had a mental flash-forward of mid-twenties Shiv, with his first show in a gallery, with free-standing sculptures and paintings on the wall. <<

Aww! All things are possible. I suspect that Graham is already hankering to take Shiv to a graffiti festival, since Westbord has plenty of those.

>> Still nervous as a long-tailed cat in rocking chair factory, but doing it anyway. <<

You know what the crème pastels does remind me of, lipstick. [as was noted before] ... you could probably borrow the tech from that industry, and add a slow curing resin so that they 'set' over time making them permanent. [one that could be depolyermised using the right agent, so they could be removed. even if they've set... which would make clean up a darn sight easier.]

Although you'd have to expand the pigment range a bit. There's colours I haven't seen as lipsticks.

Hmm... don't they do day releases for prisoners? I suspect Shiv might benefit from actually seeing what can be done and talking to some of the people.

>> you could probably borrow the tech from that industry, and add a slow curing resin so that they 'set' over time making them permanent. [one that could be depolyermised using the right agent, so they could be removed. even if they've set... which would make clean up a darn sight easier.] <<

I believe the base is some kind of polymer, and it does set slowly. There are things which can be added on paper or in a spray to make it set faster and more securely. Yes, the cleaner works as you describe. It therefore cleans skin and hard surfaces quite well, but not fabric because the pigment itself tends to bind with certain fibers.

>> Although you'd have to expand the pigment range a bit. There's colours I haven't seen as lipsticks. <<

True, of course. Creme pastels have the super-saturated color and extensive range of fine art pastels. Graham simple chose limited sets for art therapy because that's more cost-effective and reduces the chance of choice paralysis, while still offering enough colors for expressive use.

>> Hmm... don't they do day releases for prisoners? <<

That activity is unavailable to inmates in the private wing, moderate to expensive for the standard wing, and cheap to free for the privileged wing. It depends on the purpose and duration of the trip. Educational or therapeutic trips cost less than recreational ones. An exception is compassionate release for inmates visiting family members in the hospital or attending major events such as funerals; that is usually free. But it's all part of the plan to reintroduce people gradually to the outside world so they don't just fall off a cliff on gate day.

>> I suspect Shiv might benefit from actually seeing what can be done and talking to some of the people. <<

Yes, he would. Graham is already thinking about taking him to a graffiti festival in Westbord.

>> Such a trip really ought to count as therapy. It would certainly give Shiv something to think about. <<

If Shiv is willing to talk about the trip in therapeutic context and fill out his end of the paperwork -- they use afterthought forms to confirm that an activity has therapeutic or educational value -- then it counts. Otherwise he'd have to pay for it as recreation. That's a useful conversation for him to have.

The field trip general feedback form is usually along the lines of: "What was today's goal? How well did you meet it? Where did you go? Who did you meet? What if anything went well? What if anything went wrong? How did you respond? What did you learn? How do you feel about your trip overall?" Additional worksheets can be added to account for specific therapeutic purposes. For a graffiti festival, Graham would probably add one on street art: "What artists did you meet? Did you make anything yourself? What were some of your favorite artworks? What styles did you see? How did the art make you feel? What do you think is the purpose of street art in society? What was your favorite discovery? Which souvenir did you choose to remind yourself of this trip, and why?"

*chuckle* The kicker is that Graham would probably let Shiv fill out the answers with art instead of words -- a happy little surprise for the end of the day.

>> You know, there might be a market in L-space for those crème pastels, <<

I agree. The chalk pastels and oil pastels have limitations. Coloring sticks really need to come in a range of hard and soft formats that blend together well, like you can do with say charcoals and colored pencils. Neither greasy nor crumbly media are optimum. You need something that holds together well and flows smoothly over the paper. Ideally, it should cure itself rather than requiring a fixative, with a moderate drying time -- acrylic is too short and oil too long, usually.

If any chemist wants to make this stuff, go for it.

>> I think they could be made using real-world tech. It sounds like a relative of sugru from your description. <<

T-America has a ton of things like that. Polymorph plastic is another. I hadn't noticed the hard glue form. We have already described tacky gel.

Giggling over the mental image I had of Shiv's face at the idea of being able to fill out the forms with pictures... I doubt he'd quite believe he'd be allowed to get away with it. [OTOH, frame it as bet...] But who knows, Shiv seems to be more a visual or maybe tactile thinker than someone who thinks in words.. so maybe he'd be more expressive that way.

Thinking about the crème pastels makes my fingers itch, although I was never that good a chemist, much better at making stinks, bangs and goo... but something tells me this would be more like cooking than chemistry, more alchemy than science. Although a little science in there would go along way.

Hmm.. gotta think about that, it could work, and it sounds like something that might catch on, but with the scant resources I have, I have to think twice and three times before trying anything. Which is annoying, because I can almost see how the molecular structures needed would work together... It's a non-newtonian fluid, a set of pigment nano-beads like really fine sand in a polymer resin base, which slowly increases in viscosity as it 'cures' or polymerises, but they're not binding to themselves but to the pigment particles, ..like rubberbands mixed with velcro balls...

>> Giggling over the mental image I had of Shiv's face at the idea of being able to fill out the forms with pictures... <<

:D Oh yeah. That's funny.

>> I doubt he'd quite believe he'd be allowed to get away with it. [OTOH, frame it as bet...] <<

He wouldn't, but Graham is trying to teach Shiv to test things.

>> But who knows, Shiv seems to be more a visual or maybe tactile thinker than someone who thinks in words.. so maybe he'd be more expressive that way. <<

Much more expressive, in fact. Think about the art therapy session. Shiv only said a few sentences about what was bothering him -- but he drew a whole picture. That's well over half an hour of steady work on just one emotional issue, the most major one from his immediate past. Very constructive.

>> Thinking about the crème pastels makes my fingers itch, although I was never that good a chemist, much better at making stinks, bangs and goo... but something tells me this would be more like cooking than chemistry, more alchemy than science. Although a little science in there would go along way. <<

Yes.

>> Hmm.. gotta think about that, it could work, and it sounds like something that might catch on, <<

I agree that it's very promising. Artists love media. If you can make one that performs better than current options, it should sell.

>> but with the scant resources I have, I have to think twice and three times before trying anything. <<

Understood.

If it helps, you only need a prototype. Polymer components may be tricky, but I know you can buy powdered art pigments because people make their own pastels, milk paints, slip glazes, and stuff. The best ones aren't cheap, but you can test it with the ones that are -- some earth pigments like ochre exist by the hillside. Then it's just a matter of finding a company to mass-produce it.

*ponder* Or there's crowdfunding at any stage. Once you have a prototype, you could make one of the donor perks a sample size. Let people test it, and any artist who likes it will probably throw their lunch money at you.

>> Which is annoying, because I can almost see how the molecular structures needed would work together... It's a non-newtonian fluid, a set of pigment nano-beads like really fine sand in a polymer resin base, <<

It is definitely a non-newtonian fluid. It responds to the environment, to body temperature and pressure. It's basically dormant lying in the box, but comes alive under touch. Imagine oobleck in stick form.

Oh gods, now I'm wondering what would happen if you poured the semiliquid creme pastels onto a boom board and turned the sound on. It should animate. Put it on properly treated creme board, turn the sound on, get the marbling pattern you want, turn the sound off, and the sizing would freeze the colors in place. Then just set it aside and wait for it to finish drying. Here's a video of marbling oobleck.

>> which slowly increases in viscosity as it 'cures' or polymerises, but they're not binding to themselves but to the pigment particles, ..like rubberbands mixed with velcro balls... <<

Yes on these too.

I can conceive a lot more things than I can actually make. But put me with someone who knows more about the making, and I can help steer, because I know where we're going. :D

Well, there is probably a related non-Newtonian art product made from corn starch or tapioca starch. They take dye really well. They move in fascinating ways. The trick would be making them stabilize afterwards. But people make milk paint; that's a very old technique. This milk paint company also sells the pigment powders. So it's possible to turn all-natural ingredients into real paint.

>> I think I see a bunch of experimental testing to be done... maybe enough to define a prototype. <<

As I started reading the discussion of how creme pastels might be instantiated, I found myself wondering whether certain properties of soap, in bar form, could contribute something useful to the texture of the medium, or its ability to be stroked across the paper in different ways. There's so much I *don't* know about materials science, alas...