Raleighís Revenge

My name is Sir Walter, Iím back from the dead,
I was doing okay till they chopped off my head,
Donít be nervous fellow, Iím only a spectre,
I canít hurt or touch you for Iím not a vector,
No, stop shaking, please do, you look ill at ease,
Thereís no need to tremble, here, try one of these.

You know, things have altered a lot since my day,
Now women wear trousers and queers are called gay,
You donít ride on horseback, but in motor cars,
Men walk on the Moon, and machines visit Mars.
Is that Coca Cola? Here, letís have a sip.
Did you like that? Good, itís my new filter tip.

I see youíve calmed down a bit, good, where was I?
Oh yes, times are changing, and fast, by and by,
Letís talk a bit, youíre in no rush, are you, friend?
Good, neither am I, so a while we can spend
Exchanging our views; I see that worked a charm,
So here, have another, no cause for alarm.

My being here, tíwould seem amazes you greatly,
Itís true that I havenít been doing much lately,
Most evenings I spend smoking fag after fag,
I must admit sometimes death can be a drag,
But here, have another, letís smoke to you health,
The doctors are fools, these wonít ruin your health.

I see the Exchequerís just put up the duty
On my treasured pastime to bring in more booty,
That really is such a despicable act,
Weíll have to put pressure on them to retract,
Letís start a petition and pass it about.
Another? Go on, friend, your last oneís gone out.

It suits you, it suits you right down to the ground,
Try blowing a smoke ring and taking it down,
Can you feel the nicotine buzz in your chest?
A nice feeling, isnít it? Donít take a rest,
Chain smoke, thatís the best way it makes you feel mellow,
So what if it does make your fingers turn yellow?

There, youíve got the hang of it ever so quick,
Itís not made you dizzy, unhealthy or sick,
Now keep it up, twenty or forty a day,
Itís not cheap, but that is the price you must pay,
I really must go now to visit your brother,
And give him the habit, but first, have another!