Friday, March 23, 2012

I vent on here. This is my open book. My outlet. Sometimes my posts are happy because I am. Sometimes they are a bitch fest because that is how I am feeling. I yap about everything and anything. My life is often hectic. I am pregnant and have three children, two toddlers and a pre-teen. That alone makes my eye twitch! I work. I try to be a decent mom and fiance. Really, I try to behave as a wife. Life just isn't always pretty. It's often a horrid mess. I get by just fine though. I adore my children, even at their worst. Even when I am on the verge of tears. I love my fiance. I'm excited about having another newborn. I just love all the squirmy, squishy goodness of a new baby. I was thinking today how nice it is to be with someone that contributes. I can call Bryan and ask him to pay half or just buy something and so far the answer is OK. I can ask him to stop by the store after work to pick something up and it is always OK. That may seem like no big deal. It is a huge deal to me. I've been the only provider for so long. Just that little bit takes so much stress off of me. I know he will do whatever it takes to provide the best he can. He doesn't have an I am better than that type of attitude. I love him for that. I know that I would shovel poo to feed my kids if I had to. I also know that he'd be shoveling right beside me. That brings me so much security and sense of love and appreciation for him. I've complained about little things he does that gripes me. They still do. Yet, I am amazed that a single man without children would sign up for us. Not that we aren't absolutely fabulous, but that is a lot to take on. Even my father asked him about it. It is a big adjustment and a learning experience for all involved. All in all, he is a good man and I feel blessed to have him. He loves me so very much. I am happy God brought us together.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I keep my children on a schedule when they are small. I learned that the hard way. With my oldest I was determined to just add her to my life. I did. We'd go shopping and spend hours at the mall. I'd drag her all over the place, figuring she'd sleep in her stroller or car seat whenever she needed to. That idea did not make for very many enjoyable experiences out and about. I thought I was cursed with a "bad" baby. Little did I know that same baby was actually cursed with a mommy that didn't know better. My next child I was much better about keeping her home for her naps and eating at certain times. Bronson only had me. He has been on the strictest schedule of all due to lack of help mostly. His having a routing kept me sane and gave me time to myself. He has been the best/happiest baby ever. I just cannot brag enough about that sweet boy. He got the best of me because I had experience from my girls and needed time for me. So, whenever I here about his routine being thrown off at all me eye twitches a bit. Lately, my amazing little sleeper fella has been fighting naps like a pro. He has gone two gull days without one. Yesterday I get a call at work that Bronson didn't nap and fell asleep on the love seat while daddy was cooking dinner for him. It was after 6 p.m. I felt instant panic. My first thoughts were if he sleeps now his whole day tomorrow is gonna be out of whack which is just going to trickle into next week. Well Bryan decided to let him rest because every time he tried to wake the little guy he'd sit up, then pass right back out. When I got home from work last night it was almost midnight. I rounded the corner into our living room and there is Bronson, playing on the floor. When he sees me he comes running with his arms open and a huge beautiful smile on his face. I squatted down, scooped him up and soaked in every last bit of baby loving I could get out of him. It was a wonderful feeling. I am so glad I got to experience it. So maybe it's not all bad to have an off day every now and then!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Lately my relationship hasn't been fun. I don't know if it's hormones, if I'm over reacting or what but I am at a loss of what to do to fix it. Bryan wakes up every morning and gripes. He wakes me up to fuss about one thing or another. I do not like it. I refuse to argue over silly things. He gets upset about how I choose to raise/discipline my kids. He thinks I am too passive. He has some points, but they are my babies. I want them to have a happy childhood. I do correct them. I just don't spank often, or for the things he deems worthy. Such things are eating in their rooms, snacks only, we are talking dry Cheerios or a granola bar. Also, drawing on their walls. I do not enjoy them drawing on their walls, and I make them help me clean it and take away whatever they found to draw with. I will not spank them for it. That is too easy of a fix to deem a spank able offense. I vacuum their carpets and steam cleaned the girls room to shut his trap about it. Did it help, nope! He still woke up and starting fussing again this morning. I am not giving in. I've given in to so many silly demands in regards to my kids that I have had enough. I am just so tired of hearing him flip out. He reminds me of a child having a tantrum. Our other issue is sleep. He gets upset at me for wanting to sleep in on Monday mornings. Now I still wake up at 6:20 a.m. to get Talise up and on the bus. I just go lay back down. I usually have to say something to him in order for him to get out of bed when Bronson wakes then he'll come wake me up if he feels I've slept too long so he can take a nap before he goes to work. I am pregnant. I'm 34 years old and work 32 hours over the weekends, I also have three other children. News flash: I AR TIRED! I could understand if I wanted to sleep in everyday, or if I was always a lazy hag but I was not tired before he knocked me up. It hurts my feelings that he doesn't care. I told him that his constant fussing is stressing me out and that isn't good for the baby. His response was well how do you think I feel? I'm getting just beyond myself with the selfishness. I know he's stressed because he's been working as much overtime as he can and just spent a lot of money repairing his car, plus he's worried about supporting us through my maternity leave and such. My first thought with his recent behavior is to run. I lived in a bad environment for 14 years, I do not want that again. I do not want to move my children again as they are happy here. It's the worst with Mylie. That poor girl cannot get a break. She is at a difficult age. She is a strong willed girl. She stands up for herself. I am glad and proud of her. She can push me to my wits end and he seems to always find something wrong with her. She is the main one to get into things and break rules, but HELLO! She is 3! Kinda comes with the territory. It's not just me that feels this way. My mother and HIS mother have both spoken to me about it. His mom is supposed to get his father to talk to him about it. He has a lot of respect for his dad. I really hope things get better soon because his behavior is really making me want to say mean things to him. I know that will not help the situation at all. I just want the man back that I fell in love with. This overgrown spoiled brat can go back where it came from.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Our marriage date is supposed to be April 27, 2012. I say marriage rather than wedding because we are going to the courthouse being that I am knocked up and all. Originally, we were going to go to an all inclusive resort in Mexico after the courthouse. Now we will probably go out to eat and home as I have to work the next day. I have to save my vacation time for my maternity leave. I hope once the little one I am currently making gets old enough for me to feel OK about leaving it for a few days we still go to that resort. This month Mylie turns four! FOUR! I cannot believe that sweet little angel baby is now a raving lunatic smart mouthed pre-schooler. In fact I register her this month I believe. She is so excited that she has official school clothes. They were marked down super cheap so I couldn't resist. I feel she will do well in school. I really think most of her misbehavior is due to boredom. I mean, she is a very bright three year old left to play with a mostly non-verbal one year old most of the day. It will do her good. She has decided on a Max and Ruby party. We are having a small get together on a Friday evening for a couple of hours since I work weekends. I've already got her gifts and party supplies and Bryan is buying the food, which she has requested Chic-Fil_A nuggets, fruit cups and chocolate milk! We will most likely pursue other options for the adults. After her birthday we have Easter, which I took off of work for. I love celebrating Easter! Such an important holiday. I am going to cook Easter dinner and may make Resurrection rolls (thanks Pinterest!), hide eggs for the little ones and visit with the grand parents. I may try to get them to come for dinner with us,I'll have to discuss that with Bryan. I also have my bridal shower this next month. I feel a bit awkward about it. I am very grateful to Bryan's mom/family for wanting to give me one. I know it's his first marriage, but it's my second and we both have stuff. Lots of stuff. The only things I could register for are more expensive than I'd be willing to spend! It's supposed to be mostly gift cards. I hope so. I just don't want his family to look at the registries and think I am stuck up or anything negative, but we really have everything we need. I registered for things I'd like. Just a couple weeks later is the big day. I still need to call the courthouse. I don't know if we can pay for the license and get married the same day, if they can actually marry us there or if we go somewhere else. At least they no longer require a blood test. I've already gotten Bryan's wedding band. He likes it. He's commented multiple times how it isn't fair that women get to were a ring before they are married. I am so happy that he likes it. It suits him. Bryan has been much more understanding in regards to my lack of energy and psychotic mood swings. After speaking with his mom, I found out he was asking her about it. She explained what being pregnant does to a woman, I think that helped. I thought my hormones were easing up on me, then I had a full blown toddler tantrum and realized I am still a crazy woman. I am trying really hard to think before I freak out though. Can't say it's a constant success. Work in progress. Overall, I am happy. Blissfully, crazy happy.