So Lindsay Lohan asks to borrow a designer dress for the amFAR gala from stylist Phillip Bloch, whose number she got from Charlie Sheen. Is any part of what I just said a valid reason to hand over a $1,750 dress of intricate beadwork and gossamer fairy tits and silkworms that only eat free-range food and drink fair trade coffee? SHIT, no. Naturally, by the time she returned it, it was ruined.

"She said that the dress had ripped [at a club after the fundraiser] — she couldn't possibly wear it like that — so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress. But what bouncer has scissors?"

Soooo, she hacked the shit off it like something Fairuza Balk would do in The Craft (I bind you, Lindsay, from doing harm. Harm to others, harm to designer clothing and harm to yourself):

"She turned it into a mullet! Only a fashiony person would do that! She's out of control and behaving really badly."

Although you prrrrobably couldn't jump on a plane to catch the horrendously-reviewed Spice Girls musical Viva Forever!, a little piece of the Girl Power pie is coming stateside. Mel B. will be taking Sharon Osbourne's chair on America's Got Talent, joining Howard Stern and Howie Mandel for Season 8. (Man, I love "Two Become One" as much as anyone who was an adolescent in 1998, but with Shakira and Usher as the two new Voice judges, that just seems unfair.) [Vulture]

Shia LaBeouf has bailed from the Broadway play Orphans due to "personal differences" with co-star Alec Baldwin, and has released transcripts of his e-mail apologies to Baldwin and Tom Sturridge. Oh, did I say apologies? I meant rambling, heteronormative owl pellets of idiocy.

"My dad was a drug dealer. He was a sh-t human. But he was a man. He taught me how to be a man. What I know of men, Alec is. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

"He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn't winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. A man knows his tools and how to use them – just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud."

A man knows how to find the rusty nail that I can jam into my eye after reading this intolerable email. [Just Jared]

Prince Harry
and his girlfriend by the Harry Potter
-Ravenclaw-sounding-name of Cressida Bonas
were rubbing up on each other in public on a Swiss ski trip (surprisingly, not a cocaine euphemism). The Daily Mail
takes it upon themselves to write a softcore account of the incident, which saw the two engaged in PDAs during Harry's uncle Prince Andrew's
53rd birthday. But not even the crusty royals at the other end of the table could stop these kids' raging boners, who "kissed like love-struck teenagers in the back of a cinema."

Shortly before midnight, Miss Bonas, who wore a minuscule black dress and heels, showing off a pair of endless legs, stood up and walked over to sit on Harry's lap. The pair then began to kiss, with Harry stroking the back of her head as they did so, in a passionate clinch for several minutes.

Leave room for Jesus. You can get pregnant through your clothes. I know that because I'm a scientist. [Daily Mail]

A commercial starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus was pulled off the air in Israel after it was deemed offensive on behalf of the country's overweight citizens: in it, she congratulates a co-worker on her ostensible pregnancy but the lady isn't actually expecting. "I would like to apologise to Betty for thinking that she was pregnant. Obviously she hasn't dated anyone in forever!" Hee-haw! Hilarious? Israel's Yedid Association for Community Empowerment wrote an official letter of complaint:

"There are a lot of weight-challenged individuals in Israel who are treated in an irreverent and hurtful manner. There is no justification to illustrate a stigma which suggests a larger woman is either pregnant or simply too fat for anyone to consider going out with."

You should buy the house that Matthew Perry can no longer afford after his series of post-Friends disappointments. ("I'll be there for you when the rain starts to pour" I guess does not equal "I'll lend you $4.7 million so you can own your ridiculously ambitious piece of property.") [NYDN]