Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Bachelorette: Quite a staff you've assembled here

Jesus Christ, it feels like it was just yesterday that we were watching Paleolithic Ben propose to the She-Lizard and now BOOM here we are in Charlotte, North Carolina, for fuck's sake, and here's Emily again. I don't know about you guys but I am sick of seeing the same people over and over again. Fucking Brad gets two rounds and now Emily? It's not fair, I tell you.

Establishing shots of Em and Ricki Jr. frolicking in the park and it appears Lil Ricki has her own line of Ricki-branded clothing. For not the first time tonight, we are treated to a recounting of the Legend Of Racecar Ricky, which ends in a plane crash and a not-inconsequential insurance payout, judging by the huge fucking suburban McMansion Ems and the kid are tooling around in. Emily muses that she thought she'd found true love with Brad and oh it didn't work out so we must move on and ugh she said "big girl panties" and there is nothing worse than that phrase.

OK, let's go to the clip package and meet some dudes in their native environments. "Kalon" is not an alien from Planet Zoltron, but instead claims to be a reformed douchebag and we'll see about that. Tony is a roided-out lumber salesman with a kid and a soul patch. Lerone is the token black guy for this season. David is a "singer-songwriter" who we see singing a song with lyrics that consist entirely of "Emileeeeeeeeeee Emileeeeeeeeeeeee" and it sounds like the last squeals of a dying elk and I don't know what kind of audience David is writing for but if it's not grey wolves or the deaf he has a big problem. Charlie was in a terrible balcony collapse and has a brain injury! "I may have had a head injury but there's nothing wrong with my heart," he says. The he says "Who are you people? Why are you here? Is it sandwich time now?" And there's a racecar driver, of course.

At the Stand-In Mansion in Charlotte NC, Chris Harrison is very happy to see Ems, who is sporting a large bruise on her arm and it is suspiciously Little-Ricki-fist-shaped. They have a boring talk about the Legend of Racecar Ricky. CH asks Em what she wants and she says "a minivan full of babies"! I know a guy in China who can set that up for you, Emily!

Time to de-limo some douchebags. Doug is vaguely simian and "left a little boy at home." I hope someone's feeding him, Doug! Kyle looks like he just had a jaw transplant or something. His face isn't lined up right. Oh, here we have Alesandro, a Grain Merchant! He has just arrived from the Middle Ages or a Canterbury Tale. "Stevie" is a "Party MC" which is apparently a job one can have in New Jersey. That's what he writes on his 1040 EZ at the end where it says "Occupation." He puts down "Party MC." What a world. Here comes Charlie! Poor Charlie. What's this, a note? MY NAME IS CHARLIE. PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY WAY HOME.

Round 2. A guy in granny drag. Brent who is from Fresno and looks like it. Travis with a fauxhawk and an ostrich egg which he pledges to carry around the whole show like he's in the junior high pregnancy exercise. Alejandro is a "mushroom farmer" from right here in SF, via Medellin Colombia and there is no doubt that "mushroom farmer" is a euphemism for something else. Em goes all "may yamo Emily" on him and he pretends to be charmed. Ryan has a Sling Blade haircut and a note that says "You Are Beautiful" and he and Charlie will have some nice conversations/sandbox time. Zolan or Kalon or whatever emerges from his Alien Spaceship or helicopter or something.

"Journey" count as of this point: 4.

The Cocktail Party is a good opportunity for us to get to know one another and for grown motherfucking men to humiliate themselves on national television. One dude does this by displaying bobbleheads he had made of himself and Emily. Jesus Christ. There is nothing to say about that. Oh, check it out, Ems has some kind of wrist tattoo!

Is that an "XIV"? No wonder Em speaks Spanish! She's in a prison gang! Anyway, guess who gets the First Impression Rose? The Dad who brought a letter from his kid, natch. Genius move, dude.

Moving on to the Rose Ceremony, and the third bottle of wine in our house. Ems says these losers have "exceeded her expectations." She was apparently "expecting" the cast of "Freaks" or the Redondo Beach Date Rape Team. These guys, on the other hand, all like the "After" picture in a Bosley Clinic Hair Transplant ad. So who makes the cut? "Mushroom Farmer"/narcotraficante, ChArli∃, Ostrich Egg, and some other dorks. Whoa, can't believe she cut the guy with SIX FUCKING KIDS. Guess she didn't want to start her own survivalist colony with that brood. Condoms, dude. Widely available. E-Z to use.

About Me

TK lives and works in San Francisco. He occasionally travels to places east of the Caldecott Tunnel, but not very often. His interests include bars, reality TV, and irony. Things seem to be going fine.