4.21.2010

An Ocean of Grace

To say that I had a rough day would be pretty accurate. There are things happening that I'm not at liberty to discuss that while stressful don't really warrant the reaction I had.As my lovely friend Claire said, "It's probably something deeper that God is trying to work out of you." She's probably right...she is most of the time.I had a mild panic attack for the first time in over 7 years. I was exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically thanks to FT and his doggone Jane Fonda moves. So I got sick at the gym and then couldn't calm down. I was a mess.I called Claire for the 2nd time to have her help talk me off a ledge. The most effective thing for getting me through panic attacks back when I had them every day or more often was to find someone rational and just talk to them. So I could focus on a non-dramatic conversation and help stabilize my breathing...and when my breathing stabilized so would my heart rate.

As I was talking things out with her I realized that I'm scared. The things that are happening that I'm not at liberty to discuss scare me. They have nothing really to do with me, I'm just sort of in the fray because of some relationships I have. But I'm scared.I'm scared that some people I love so deeply will look at me and say, "Just kidding. We changed our minds and we don't love you anymore."Yes yes, rationally I know that won't happen. But my baggage is telling me it will. My baggage is telling me that I can only fool people for a little while and then it will all fall apart.The enemy is slithering around my head again hissing:It's over. It's to late. They've discovered you're unlovable. They know that you don't have it together and that you're not nearly everything they thought you should be. They're bored with you, they're done with you. You've served your purpose and now it's done.

Which again, won't happen. But it's overwhelming me to be so scared of it again.I had a meeting I had to go to so I made it through the meeting and started home. I was listening to my iPod and decided to put on my Jesus music play list. I skipped around (because I love every song on my iPod except when it's on shuffle then I only like every 5th song) and landed on John Mark McMillan's How He Loves song.I love this song, it's a great song and can bring me to tears on my happiest day. So I'm listening to it and driving home when it hits the chorus.

And oh, how He loves us so,Oh how He loves us,How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves.Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves.

I felt a whisper of the spirit (sorry that sounds weird but hopefully you know what I mean) rise up and I was reminded that God's not kidding around.He's never going to walk into the kitchen one random Saturday evening and say, "Just kidding, I don't really want to be with you. I don't really love you." He's never going to say sorry, you've broken one to many times, you're to damaged, to ugly, to sinful, to far gone. He's never leaving.I hold my breath around a lot of people. Not everyday really, but there is almost always an undercurrent of fear that people are going to decide one day to just not love me anymore, or worse they're going to say they never really did, they just didn't want me to be upset so they lied about it. Sometimes I hold my breath around God, thinking that one of these days he'll realize he saved the wrong girl. (It's clearly not only irrational but also biblically inaccurate which I know...this isn't a conscious thing people!)

I know it's not them. I know it's me, still broken. I hate it. I hate that it still affects my relationships I hate that it still is my first assumption when things are stressful and awkward. I hate that I can't hear the words people actually say and that I hear the nasty hateful words from years and years and sometimes years ago instead of the words of loving affirmation, encouragement and even gentle correction.But the thing I'm clinging to tonight is that even if it becomes true. Even if what I'm so scared of happens (which I know won't happen) then it will be ok. Because God doesn't kid around. He doesn't say "Just kidding I never really loved you." He loves me. Oh, how He loves me, and He's not leaving.

We are His portion and He is our prize,Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,When I think about, the way…

He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Oh how He loves.Yeah, He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves.

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About Me

I am...a daughter, a sister, a lover, a fighter, a friend, an enemy, a hopeless romantic disguised as a cynic. I am a truth telling liar. I am a shoulder to lean on that isn't always able to lean on other shoulders.
I'm an optimistic pessimist that thinks people are inherantly good at deceit. I have a pretty good grip on not knowing exactly what it is that I want from day to day.
I am an absolutely sold out follower of Christ, that doesn't always know what that's supposed to look, sound, taste, or smell like. I'm cold and warm, funny and serious, loud and outgoing and painfully shy. Most days I feel socially inept to the point of isolation while smiling broadly and speaking confidently. I am empty and full, joyously sorrowful.
I am a study in contradiction.