Using women to travel the world

There, I said it: I use women to travel the world. I’ve also been known to use old women, small children, and cripples. I have no shame.

After a week in Vietnam, I am honestly perplexed at why every single local and tourist is not dead or severely injured from traffic accidents. How people survive the daily onslaught of motorcycles kamikazeeing straight at you is beyond me. I consider my day a success if I can cross the street merely once throughout a day. And I lived a summer in Cairo! Egypt has been officially dethroned as the world’s most automobilistically insane country.

In Ho Chi Minh city I was terrified of crossing any main street for a week so I took to a technique that has never failed me: WWWD. Otherwise known as “what would women do?”.

It is no secret that women are smarter than men. That’s not even a debate. Just arguing the fact shows how stupid men are.

Women are better investors. Research after research proves this. They choose better investments and resist the urge to tweak them every time the Wall Street Journal pontificates on the price of Marmite futures in Australia. They even save more, so it’s a double whammy. It may be that they have more brain cells because their bodies have to do a lot more than us….ahmmm babies? Which is probably why they’re smarter, but it could be something altogether different that we men are too stupid to understand. They also have to keep track of infants because men are evolutionary and inherently bad at it. Raise your hand if you’re a dad and know your children’s vaccination schedule. I didn’t think so! My mom still has my vaccination card and updated it after I got my rubella booster for this trip. And I’m in my 40s! My dad? He probably thinks bubble gum cures malaria.

Women get sick and just cowgirl the hell up. Men are a joke. We call in sick if we cut ourselves shaving. Women on the other hand bleed for 40 years and just take an aspirin (OK, they also get really mean, but at least they’re mostly at work).

So…I use local women to shield me when crossing the street. It works even better when they’re young, attractive, or very old. I mean, who runs over old women or children? Exactly. Not only are they smarter at crossing the street (being devoid of anything to prove, like men), but humanity is evolutionarily wired to protect our women and children. After all, we inherently know we can’t live without them.

The trick is to find a woman about to cross a two way street. You position yourself between her and oncoming traffic and you stick to her like she’s your Siamese twin. However, at the half way point, when traffic starts coming from the opposite direction, you stealthily switch sides behind her. Then you shield your way safely to the other side of the street. This works in any country, even in conservative countries where women are at a disadvantage because their visibility is diminished by their head to toe attire.

Food maladies can be diminished similarly. Wondering whether that food stand is safe to eat? Easy, avoid ones with only men. And avoid like the plague the ones with only men AND men cooks. Only venture into street food patronized by women, preferably women with children…those are the best. Women are not only smarter but are evolutionary wired to protect our young. Men, on the other hand, we take our kids for ice cream and hamburgers on our “parenting” days. Heck, we’d take them for beers if we actually knew how to control them without threats of public violence.

You are wondering if Myanmar is a safe country to visit? Look no further than a single woman traveling alone. If she actually wants to navigate a random city at night, chances are she did her homework and has determined it is safe to do so. Men? We get side tracked by random Thai lady boys telling us “you’re handsome” and blindly follow them to dark alleys where we are subsequently mugged and beaten, after which we will invariably blame society, the government, the inability to openly carry weapons, or the phase of the moon. For the record, this does not apply to Scandinavian women. They’re 6’4 (193 cms), well traveled, and can beat you to a pulp. So, petite women traveling alone are your best bet.