When Work Pulls on Our Hearts

In Turn Your Heart Toward Home, I wrote about the things in our lives that can pull our hearts away from our marriages and husbands. Over the past few months, I have spent a great deal time pondering the fact that when my children were small and I was a relatively new wife, I had absolutely no interest in staying home. I had a career. It wasn’t just a job; it was a professional life. With a graduate degree, I had a purpose in life that had predated marriage and children.

The Best of Both Worlds?

As a college professor, I had the best of both worlds, I thought. Although I needed to be on campus for classes and meetings, all of my other work could be done at home early in the morning, late at night, or on weekends. My children were in day care, but they were with me for more waking hours than they were without me. Later, they would come home to a mom and freshly baked cookies. When other women would ask if I ever wanted to stay home with the kids, I thought they were crazy. My heart was at work and at home. I had a giant to-do list to help me keep track of it all.

When our marriage began to struggle, I was grateful when anything work-related would pull me away from actually tending to the marriage. “Honey, you’ll need to cook dinner. I have a late meeting with some board members.” “I can’t come to bed. I have to stay up and grade papers.” “You know I’d like to have sex, but I have to get up and 4 and finish up my final grades.” I would surround myself with the paper evidence of the work I had to do. And then, when my husband gave up and went to bed, I would half-heartedly do my work, all the while daydreaming of a happier life and marriage. My work items were higher on my to-do list than my husband.

In my view, our marriage problems were a distraction from my professional work. It never occurred to me that my work was a distraction from my marriage. I was doing well in my career, with a stellar reputation at my school and presentations at national conferences in my field. My heart was drifting from home; life was out of focus.

A Different Career

For me, the work that has pulled my heart away was a career—but the pull of work can happen just as much in a woman with a very different life than mine.

A woman whose work is at home can do the exact same thing as I did. One of my relatives found that when her marriage hit a rough patch, her house was the most spic-and-span it’s ever been. She would stay up late (“I have to wash the floor when the kids won’t be able to walk on it”), get up early (“The kids need extra healthy lunches to fight off all the germs at school”), and use housework and parenting responsibilities as a justification to avoid intimacy with her husband. Her heart was turned away from home just as mine was.

When my children were small, we had a group of mommies at church who talked about parenting as their careers. These women had stepped away from high-paying jobs to stay home with their kids—and they were just as structured and driven in their parenting as they had been in their careers. Their day planners were booked solid with lessons, play dates, library time, tummy time, curriculum time, and sports activities. I asked one woman about this, and she said that she should take parenting no less seriously than she had her career. “I’m not a senior manager anymore, but I’m the manager of my children’s lives. And it needs much more of my time than my company ever did.” This woman’s to-do list was longer than mine.

They worked so hard at being the perfect parent that they had even less time available for their marriages than I did. And I noticed that their marriages seemed to exhibit the same tension of intimacy that mine did.

In our work, whether in a career or at home, we were successful. When we worked on something, we knew whether we’d accomplished the task. We knew our worth. We didn’t know how to solve the growing tension in our marriages, but by gum, we knew how to do our work—and when we were done with the task, we knew our efforts had paid off. In our marriages? Not so much.

When Work Pulls Our Hearts Away

When I talk with women about what gets in the way of spending time with their husbands, I hear overwhelmingly, “I just don’t have time. I have too much to do.” I hear this from women who home school, from women who stay home while their kids go to school, from women who have part-time jobs, from women with full-time careers, and from women with full-time careers whose husbands are stay-at-home dads.

When I start to question my value, I tend to look at the things that I accomplish. Instead of starting a to-do list from scratch, I will often begin with a task I’ve already done so I can have a crossed-off item to encourage me. It is easy to become task-oriented, looking more at our to-do lists and judging ourselves by how many items we can cross off.

Yes, we have a lot to do—but are we letting those other things be more important than our marriages? Are we letting our work pull our hearts away from where they should be?

There are tasks to any work we do–but when we are doing the tasks for the purpose of being able to cross them off our lists, it’s a problem.Things come up in the rhythms of whatever work we do. There are days or weeks when we have to put more time into the work than into our marriages—but when these days or weeks become a pattern of living, it’s a problem. When our hearts spend more time dwelling on the value of that work than on the value of our marriages, it’s a problem. When we lose our focus on God and our marriages, it’s a problem.

Where My Heart Wants to Be

I have been blessed with a career I loved, in jobs that I loved, working with people I loved. Over the past year, even while working in a wonderful job, I’ve found that my heart has been drifting away from that work and yearning. As I have grown in my identity in Christ and as a wife in a one-flesh relationship with her husband, I’ve found that although my work was still as wonderful and fulfilling, it was no longer how I identified myself in my own mind. Checking off items on my to-do list had become a tool rather than a goal.

Several weeks ago, I mentioned to someone that for the first time in my life, I wished I didn’t need to work full-time (or at all). As someone with twenty-five years invested in a particular professional identity, this startled me. I realized that my heart had shifted its focus. I have yearned to spend more time with God. I have wanted to have more time for God and for my marriage.

God uses my thoughts and dreams to prepare me for what He has in store for me. As I began drafting this post over a week ago, I was content to realize that although I loved my job, my heart was home with God and my husband—exactly where it belonged.

Since losing my job a few days ago, I’ve had many emotions swirl through my heart—shock, embarrassment, betrayal, sadness, and anger have been the most prominent. But I have also realized that underneath all that is a joy that I have a chance to learn what it is to fully focus my heart on home in a new way as I see my worth as a child of God in a marriage that continues to grow.

Is your heart pulled away by your work and your to-do lists?

Or is your heart turned toward home?

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. Proverbs 14:1

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About Chris Taylor

19 Comments on “When Work Pulls on Our Hearts”

Wow, your feelings about work really mirror my own. I never wanted to be a SAHM, now that my marriage is better I want to be a SAHM, but my kids are grown, LOL. I have told several coworkers that I want to retire and be my husband’s wife. Can’t do that right now. Enjoy your time at home until God sends you a new job.

It’s funny how things work out. I resigned last spring after 18 years teaching to focus more on my marriage and family. My husband left the next month and this time has been VERY different than I had planned. I can say I have been able to really focus on my marriage, my mistakes, my feelings, my family etc. My husband walked out and is no saint but I have recognized my issues as well. I’m being challenged to fogive things I had always said I would
NEVER forgive. I’ve learned I can forgive horrible and hurtful things he’s done and that God has supplied me with just enough mercy and grace. There has been a lot that has happened, actually just today, I was almost ready to give up but God is showing me I’m not losing even though it feels that way at times. I know my prayer for reconciliation is in line with God’s word. I know he wants my family complete again. So I ask again for
You and the readers to continue to be in fervent prayer and pray I can continue to handle things calmly. I pray before too long I can share a praise report!

I’ve heard that song but I’ve never seen the video. I watched and listened just now with my husband in mind. It reminded me I have to keep
Forgiving no matter how hard it is and that the answer is not to try to hurt him back. Thanks!

I should add financially things are awful. He tore his ACL over a month and is out of work awaiting surgery. We already argued often about finances. But I can say finances happen to now seem very insignificant. If I can have my family restored and happy I would be content to live on less. When you’re world
Is turned upside down you
Realize what matters most.

Oh my goodness I can completely empathize with you. On December 19, 2012 I got that same news letting me know that after 24 years, my career as a vice president of business development was ending after my company, was acquired. It has been just over a year for me and I understand all of your emotions. It is an emotional roller coaster for a while, but YES, I have adjusted and LOVE being able to spend so much more time with the Lord every day. You will likely go through all the stages of grief, some multiple times but eventually it will become a new normal. I pray God will hold you close and guide you in these coming days. Many blessings.

Chris, my prayer for you is that God will greatly increase your joy in Him and your husband and reduce your worries.
Tammy, I’ll add you to my prayer list.
I wish my wife could see how her busy-ness with her work, our dogs and home always leave no time for intimacy between us. Maybe that is what she wants. I am begining to believe she has truly lost all desire or it has been so long that she can’t remember how to be intimate. I would bet it has been 15 years since she open mouth kissed me and she used to be a fantastic kisser.
I know God woke me out of my stupor 6 months ago for a reason but I am just so sad, depressed, frustrated and angry tonight I can’t begin to see it.

I’m sorry you’re having a rough night. Once I began to make changes (aka, came out of my own stupor), it took my husband nearly a year before he was able to recognize what was happening. It took ober two years before he began to see that he had room to grow as well. If you came out of your stupor only six months ago, your wife may not be able to even see what changes you are making, much less respond with any changes of her own.

Knowing that it can take time doesn’t help on a night when you’re feeling lonely and rejected, though.

I’m so sorry to read this. My husband hasn’t kissed me in a year. We have been intimate but it’s not the same when there’s no kissing. It’s sad. Is there any way your wife may have something physical going on? For over 2 years, after my last child, I was not at all interested. I had hormone testing multiple times that showed no issue, tried testosterone cream! NOTHING. But then my dr Gave me wellbutrin and buspar. Both are used off market for sexual dysfunction in women. He did not tell me this. But after a few weeks I felt normal again and it has worked over a year. Unfortunately he’s gone now so it’s tough. But I share this because during that time I felt so abnormal. This could be what your wife is dealing with and if it is she may have very well just gotten used to not being intimate. But if that is her issue and you can get her help I can assure you you will be one happy man. 🙂
Sometimes the gate keeping is partially because of a total
Lack of labido. I share this, TMI, because it is serious and I so wish I’d found this resource back when I was so lonely and feeling so abnormal. And thanks so much for praying for Rod and me.

Work pulls at my heart too. Not by choice though. 🙁 I would love to be able to put my time and attention into enjoying marriage. Instead, my husband makes the choice to leave me responsible for all things except car maintenance and financial provision. I am overwhelmed and exhausted — to the point my health is suffering for it. My cries for help fall on deaf ears. Add to that accusations that everything else is more important to me than my marriage. Just makes me want to cry — I’m doing the very best I can.

I am so, so sorry. It doesn’t sound to me like work is pulling on your heart as much as it is pulling on your mind and body. Your heart is good and is where it needs to be. You’re just too worn down and overwhelmed to see it. Do you have anyone in real life who can sit with you while you cry? I will definitely add you to my prayers.

I know what it is like to lose your job. I didn’t even realize how much of my identity I had inadvertently put in it. It has taken me 18 months, but I can look back at who I was then and feel amazed at how different I am now. Truely, all things work together for good. I’m glad I found your blog through a friend today (he thought our posts had a familiar flavor and sent me over here). I would love to follow your journey through change. Be encouraged that God has you right where He wants you.

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Make me a clean heart, O God: and renew a right spirit within me. ~ Psalm 51:10

Who am I?

The mission of The Forgiven Wife is to encourage Christian wives as they work to grow in their approach to sexual intimacy in their marriages. After 20 years of restricting the sex life in my marriage, I have learned to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with my husband. You can email me at chris@forgivenwife.com.

Why this blog?

The mission of The Forgiven Wife is to encourage Christian wives as they work to grow in their approach to sexual intimacy in their marriages. After 20 years of restricting the sex life in my marriage, I have learned to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with my husband.
You can email me at chris@forgivenwife.com.

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