Thursday, February 12, 2009

Burnt

I had a few rants lined up to post, but I’ll leave those in the draft file for a while. It wouldn’t seem right for me to get upset about those “Shit-whores at Blockbuster video” when bush fires are devastating our neighbouring Eastern state.

You know how it is with blogging – you’ll complain about an ingrown toe-nail, and how it made your round of golf a living hell; only to switch on the news and hear that a guy had to cut off his own arm with a pocket knife to escape an avalanche.

To avoid that situation (and the resulting self loathing) I decided to post an article on the Victorian Bush Fires (Christ, the worst ones EVER). Researching the tragedy revealed a tonne of accounts; for one thing I never knew a fire could move so damn fast. In the end I decided to link to this You Tube clip of a Fireman helping a dehydrated and burnt Koala, which has been hailed as a symbol of hope amongst the devastation:

I found the dialogue of the Ocker Fireman (a volunteer fire-fighter named Dave Tree, winner of this month’s “most ironic name” award) particularly amusing, as he frequently turned to the camera to give his two bits:

”When we are fighting the fires, how much can a Koala bare?”

“You watch he’ll get hydrated then he’ll rip the absolute fucking shit out of me!”

That second quote seems to have confused many of the international commenters on the youtube site (koala rip you? lol wtf? It’s a care bear!), who don’t realise how aggressive Koalas in the wild can be when provoked. Predominately shy creatures, they have sharp claws useful for warding off attackers. Most of the youtube comments seem to be lessons for the uninitiated:

Rokgrl1603 (10 hours ago)YAY KOALA! that thing would be so spoiled if i had him. :Di'd have a whole room for 'em.

In a related anecdote: Dowling and I found a Koala late one night that had been hit by a car and badly injured. We rang the Wild life services and waited for about half an hour for the ranger to arrive. The Koala spent this whole time sitting in a bush glaring at us, making these deep guttural growling sounds that would make the Incredible Hulk shit his pants in raw fear.

Anyway, the Koala in the youtube clip has been named “Sam”, and has since found love with another Koala survivor named “Bob” at a wild life centre near Melbourne.

I assume Sam is female, because Koalas aren’t gay. Not like Wombats.

That’s the general problem with a lot of Australian animals; they are big cuddly balls of fluff that look like prizes at a local fair. They couldn’t out run a glacier let alone a bush fire, and the local fauna death toll is usually extremely high in these circumstances.

Man, life can be tough down under.

A quick perusal of Yahoo News’ headlines reveals one glaring fact: Mother Nature is an angry bitch with a strap on in these parts.

Fires down south. Floods up North. A Queensland retirement home was evacuated because of a poisonous spider infestation. A navy diver was seriously injured in a shark attack while performing an underwater counter-terrorism manoeuvre in Sydney Harbour. He fought the shark off by repeatedly punching it in the head, which is (amusingly) still the universal guideline for fending off a shark attack. Punch the fucker in the head.

But hang on – under water counter-terrorism? Did I miss a memo? Do the Al Queda have fucking submarines now?

Come to think of it, we’re due for a terrorist attack. Maybe once the fires have died down they can come over and blow something up. Goddammit.

UPDATE: From Yahoo News: “A man has been charged over the Churchill bushfire which killed 21 people in Gippsland. He has been charged with arson causing death, intentionally or recklessly causing a bushfire, and possessing child pornography.”

An arsonist who also dabbles in child pornography. He won’t be getting my vote for Australian of the year that’s for sure.

2 Comments:

I totally forgot that you were doing this blog - in fact I am surprised that you were still doing it - I remember you showing the ninja cricketer video at Rochester Row and having a quick glance at the blog then but nothing since 2006.

Since I have re discovered your delights as a writer I have been chuckling to myself in front of my laptop and my little sister has had no idea why - I even read this post today on the coach ride upto Sheffield today - joys of technology ... Jesus christ we're at opposite extremes - I walked into my parents house about an hour ago which has been sat empty for about a month and it's like a refridgerator - I have had 2 fires blazing and the heating cranked upto full and still I'm sat in a parker jacket with hood up .... brrr - shiva ma timbers ladddy

Raccoons are much the same: cute as hell, will fucking rip out your neck and scratch your face off. Don't even approach a raccoon. At least bears will leave you alone if you leave them alone.

Words cannot describe how horrific the fires have been nor how devastating. Australia is in my thoughts.

That being said, and me being the sort that deals with tragedy through humor, I laughed when I read about the poisinous spider infestation driving old people out. It is so fucked up that it is hilarious. It's like an orphanage being run over by evil koalas.