A while back, I brought you the news (along with a very professional photoshop job) that Jonathan Rhys-Meyers would be playing the title character in Scorpion King director Chuck Russell’s upcoming Mandrake the Magician.

Oh don’t worry, it’s about as gay as it sounds.

Mandrake gestured hypnotically and the subject or subjects of this hypnosis would suddenly see the illusions he wanted. Mandrake fought criminals and other villains in his spare time. This would include common gangsters, mad scientists, and aliens from outer space or other dimensions. Traveling the globe with a group of able-bodied assistants, Mandrake fought supervillains such as The Cobra, The Brass Monkey, and Mandrake’s evil twin brother, Derek.

Jesus, this sounds like it should go straight to the Sci-Fi Channel. Couture’s role hasn’t been decided, but with Jonathan Rhys-Meyers playing the lead, I can only imagine what "gestured hypnotically" will mean. Perhaps he’ll fight crime with his superhuman ability to make out with dudes. According to his IMDB page, he has a horse named Belle. Which I can only imagine he rides while holding a parasol and a matching handbag, and a glittery wand with pink troll doll hair at the end. I guess what I’m saying is that he’s been preparing for this role his whole life and it’s going to be really good.

Man, this dude is versitile! To go from Gimli to this role must have required quite a training regimen.

01.25.08 at 9:33 am

jokerswild

We got the bottle you got the cup, c’mon everybody let’s get ffffffffffffffff. . . .

01.25.08 at 9:34 am

Fek'lhr

Did you guys ever see the "Defenders of the Earth" cartoons with Flash Gordon, The Phantom, Mandrake the Magician, and token minorties? They killed Flash Gordon’s wife in the first episode. Pretty extreme! My mom had to explain to me why some men still love dead women and touch their corpses in their swimsuit area in episode 2. By episode 3 I knew what "mung" was. Or was that "Ming"?

01.25.08 at 9:34 am

anti-gravitational breasts

But he played one great David Bowie. He did wear a dress in it for a bit. He’s also quite good as King Henry the 8th. And in Gormanghast. I don’t care if he likes the cock. He’s a good actor.

01.25.08 at 9:34 am

Stone Soup

For I, Mandrake the Magician, have fought and defeated the likes of The Cobra, The Brass Monkey, and, um, Derek.

01.25.08 at 9:35 am

jokerswild

Thanks alot Fek. Now I’ve googled mung and that is something you CANNOT un-google. Fucker.

01.25.08 at 9:38 am

Fek'lhr

Erswi, where the fuck were you for the mung discussion? Or was that at the other place?

01.25.08 at 9:41 am

Fek'lhr

Randy Couture has defeated way worse guys than Mandrake, and Randy’s "hypnotic gesture" is called "making the other guy tap out/knock his ass the fuck out". The Mighty Fek’lhr feels a Randy Couture movie would be much better.

01.25.08 at 9:42 am

jokerswild

I’m not sure where the discussion was held at, but I am fairly certain i was not there. I would definitely remember being enlightened in that manner. It’s kind of equivalent to the first time I saw A2M, but not nearly as sexy. Or degrading. To the guy. Or something.

01.25.08 at 9:46 am

JHC

I’ll bet when Mandrake was growing up, he resented his brother Derek for having a name that didn’t come with an obligatory ass whoopin’.

01.25.08 at 9:48 am

JHC

I see the hall monitor was at it again "over there" yesterday.

01.25.08 at 9:50 am

anti-gravitational breasts

More facts from his imdb page (one that doesn’t seem to be needed)Uncle of his brother’s child, Dylan.In order to avoid the boyish and somewhat androgynous junkies and weak- willed characters he found himself typecast as, he underwent a fitness regime in 2004 and gained and maintained about 25 extra pounds of muscle, so he can also be considered for more masculine roles.He was born with a heart condition, and was baptized rather quickly for fear he would not live long.

01.25.08 at 9:51 am

Fek'lhr

The Mighty Fek’lhr bets Mandrake is a pederast. In Defenders of the Earth, everyone had teenage kids, but he had an adopted chinese boy. Yeah.*Mandrake uses his hypnotic gesture to make Hung Lo talk like that hooker in Full Metal Jacket* "Hey, soldier! Me so horny! Me ruv you long time! Me sucky sucky! Wait…Dad…I thought you said…"SHUT UP, HUNG! GET ME A WHOPPER! OR A HOT POCKET! ABRA CADAVER!

01.25.08 at 9:51 am

JHC

::sniffs armpit:: I knew I should’ve showered this morning……I seem to have run everyone off.

01.25.08 at 9:53 am

anti-gravitational breasts

I’ll bet when Mandrake was growing up, he resented his brother Derek for having a name that didn’t come with an obligatory ass whoopin’. His first name is Leon and his last name is Mandrake. Your point still stands.

01.25.08 at 9:53 am

jokerswild

Damn J! Was that you? I naturally thought it was Fek stinkin up the place. Do us a favor and at least keep your legs closed. I’m trying not to vomit over here.

01.25.08 at 9:54 am

Stone Soup

I’ll bet when Mandrake was growing up, he resented his brother Derek for having a name that didn’t come with an obligatory ass whoopin’.Not to mention how pissed he was at his parents for that, and for buying him a magic set when he wanted a bike.

01.25.08 at 9:56 am

JHC

His first name is Leon and his last name is Mandrake. Your point still stands.Leon Mandrake? So why wasn’t Will Smiff cast then. What’s that you say? There are white guys named Leon? Huh…..

01.25.08 at 9:57 am

Vince

Bruce Greenwood > Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

01.25.08 at 10:01 am

anti-gravitational breasts

Uncle of his brother’s child, Dylan. Someone got paid to type this, paid more than I do. Fer Christ’s Sayck!

01.25.08 at 10:02 am

Stone Soup

"Bob, who’s doing your taxes this year?""The same guy that does them every year – Leon Mandrake – he’s a fucking magician.""Really, he got you a big refund?""No, he’s an actual magician."

01.25.08 at 10:09 am

jokerswild

I don’t worry about taxes. Or fifis. I got people.

01.25.08 at 10:18 am

Stone Soup

"Helen, I’d like you to meet my boys, Leon and Derek. Boys, this is Mrs. Kramer, say hello – and don’t be trying to hypnotize her, Leon."

01.25.08 at 10:29 am

Pauly Dangerously

[Everyon sitting at the dinner tabel]Mandrake: Hey Derek, can you pass the salt, please?Derek: Can you fucking get it yourself with your mind, asshole?Mandrake: What the deal Derek? i just want the salt.Derek: Mom always liked you best![Derek runs up the stairs crying]Mom: Derek! You get down here young man and finish your peas!Derek:[yelling from upstairs] I hate ALL OF YOU! [slams bedroom door]

01.25.08 at 10:35 am

Stone Soup

[Ring Ring]"Hello?""Julie? Hi, it’s Leon.""Oh, hi Leon.""I was wondering if, um, you’d like to go out on Friday.""Gee, Leon, I don’t know. I think I might be busy or something.""How about [Leon waves hand at phone receiver] NOW?""Did you just try to hypnotize me over the phone, Leon?""No, no way – I wouldn’t do that, no, ha ha ha.""You did! You just waved your fucking hand at the phone!""Come on, baby, you know I love you!"click

01.25.08 at 10:41 am

anti-gravitational breasts

Derek walks outside. A male deer springs at him, does his business, runs down the suburban street. Derek sees Leon hiding in the shrubs.Derek: Did that deer just? have it’s way with…?! Did you hypnotize the deer!?Leon: I can’t hypnotize animals you moron. I just sprayed your backpack with deer musk you whinging pissant. Derek: I’m telling Mom!Leon: You’re what? *stares at brother*Derek: I’m. going. to school. with deer sperm. on my back.Leon: I thought so.

01.25.08 at 12:09 pm

MDoll

Brass Monkey?!? That Funky Monkey?!? Awww hells no

01.25.08 at 12:19 pm

rv

the cobra… the brass monkey… and derek??? did they run out of crappy names for villians and resort to ederek? what the fuck

01.25.08 at 12:42 pm

Pauly Dangerously

01.25.08 at 12:44 pm

Pauly Dangerously

Fuck, I swear there was a post in there. This looks like the work of The Deleter. [Dun, dun, duuuunnn]

01.25.08 at 2:05 pm

nezzer

So this is a remake of NEVER BACK DOWN? That was quick.

01.25.08 at 2:40 pm

B.K.

Jesus, this sounds like it should go straight to the Sci-Fi Channel.:::crosses fingers:::I should be so lucky.