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How to Fight Dirty

Recently I published a guide on how to avoid a fight entitled How To Avoid a Fight Like The Coward You Are.
After reading it over again, I came to the realization that only
writing one such guide while ignoring the other possible outcomes would
have been a great disservice to that one guy who reads my website. What
if, heaven forbid, he gets jumped by a band of gibbering winos in a
dark alley and none of my avoidance methods can get him out of it? What
then?

"What then. What then." I find myself repeating these words aloud as I
wander the aisles of a Whole Foods market, desperately scanning the
aisles for something remotely edible. "Are you alright?" a pretty young
stockgirl asks, her darkened eyes ablaze with passionate lust, "Did you
need help with...anything?" Thinking quickly, I overturn my cart and
give it a haphazard kick in her direction. Turning on my heel I dash in
the opposite direction, overturning a Kashi Cereal display behind me.
"Vile queen of harlots!" I scream as I scrabble up a piece of shelving
at the rear of the store, "Ply your fleshtrade elsewhere;
I have no want of it!" My mind races. I have managed to avoid the
designs of the burlesque queen today, but what fresh hell would
tomorrow bring? No man can say.

I drawl my shawl tight, leaning into the wind. It is a cold night. The
wind screams and somehow I imagine I can hear it. The beating...the
beating of my own black heart. Is it possible? Tha-thump. Tha-thump. It
croaks. "Not much longer now," I soothe, "Not much longer..."

Oh but hey: Here are some tips about how to fight dirty and stuff.

Biting

Now
you might be thinking to yourself "That's so stupid, biting isn't going
to win a fight. That sounds like advice a six-year-old would give." If
you did think this, you could not be more wrong. Listen here: I am not
talking about chomping on someone's hand to get them to let go of you.
I am not talking about gnawing on someone's leg for kicks. I am talking
about BITING LARGE CHUNKS OUT OF FACES AND THIGHS AND SWALLOWING THEM.

Obviously you've got to have guts to do this. You've got to have
gumption. But if you pull it off, you'll be the talk of the town!
People are probably going to think twice before they mess with "that
insane dude who bit a huge piece out of Jason's cheek and then licked
his lips while while giggling and singing the theme from Golden Girls",
aren't they? I'd say so. And whoever you do this to is not likely going
to want to continue fighting you, since you are apparently batshit
insane. You'd hope not anyway.

Some people might say that conduct like this is "unsportsmanlike" or
"foul play". But remember, this is a guide about winning a fight that
you never even wanted to participate in in the first place (a fight you
cannot escape from), and I don't see that there's anything wrong with
eating a fairly large piece out of some jerk's arm if he's got you in a
headlock against your will.

Groin Tactics

Aside
from being a really good name for some sort of ska band, Groin Tactics
are among some of the most useful tools in the dirty fighter's
repertoire. The best thing about groin stuff is that even the basic
moves (groin kicking, groin punching, etc) are effective.

But oftentimes people tend to go with these simply because they're
easy. This is a shame because there are many more effective and
creative methods out there of causing damage to somebody's bathing suit
area. Here are a few fan favorites:

Slashing

Gashing or cutting at the genitals
with a shard of broken glass, snapped length of copper pipe, or large
piece of plyboard with rusty staples in it is a sure way to gain
respect in the modern world.

The Bite

The Bite (effective on men and
certain types of women) is considered the most effective of the
overlooked genital mutilation methods. It is also considered a major
social faux pas. However, if in a scuffle, a swift bite to the shaft, a
loose-hanging lip, or a ball can mean the difference between a
fractured skull and walking away scott-free, I say bon appetit.

Groin Twisting/Tear/Ripping (Men Only)

By grasping one or more of the
testicles in a closed fist one can assure compliance with any "please
stop hitting me" requests which would normally have been ignored
outright.

In some cases this will be enough to defeat someone, but if necessary, you may take the following actions as a follow-up:
The Twist: Rotate your hand 180 degrees (counterclockwise).
The Tear: Rotate Your Hand 360 degrees or more in any direction. This should be sufficient to disable most human beings.
The Rip: Follow a 360 Degree rotation with a firm tug. The implements
in question should be pulled clear and your ears should be filled with
screams of abject horror.

The Hair Tear

As
with many of these moves, hair pulling is nearly worthless unless you
are willing to go all the way with it. Remember: The purpose of pulling
hair is not meant to hurt or disable your opponent physically (the bald
can still fight), it is a psychological tactic meant only to shame and
demoralize. The process is as follows:

Grasp a handful of hair (as much as possible)

Making a tight fist, wrap the hair around your hand (as with a ball of yarn)

Brace your foot or shoulder on a sturdy portion of your opponent (such as the chest, or hip)

Begin to exert a slow, steady pressure on the root of the hair and eventually it will slide or tear free of the scalp

Toss the piece of hair to one side and roar triumphantly

Repeat if desired

Have no fear: You probably won't break their neck. But what you will do
is tear out a huge clump of their hair. This is extremely barbarous,
and many people will be too mortified at what you have done to them to
continue the fight (Well, either that or be so appalled at your
shockingly antisocial behavior that they will suddenly be filled with a
powerful and righteous fury and begin fighting back with the strength
of ten men, but this is highly unlikely)

Some other key notes:
Don't Jerk! Yanking or tugging roughly at the hair is only going to
cause it to break above the root, which would be neither painful nor
frightening to your attacker. Remember: Slow & steady pressure.

If they are wearing a wig, the wig will obviously just come off
in your hand. This is fine too. In fact, in some cases you may find a
successful de-wigging to induce even more shame and embarrassment than
a hair tear!

Have fun with it! Remember: Ripping out huge chunks of another
persons hair is not illegal as long as they instigated the fight. I
don't think it is anyway. You may want to check with a lawyer.

Use Those Less Fortunate as Human Shields

The Elderly or Disabled

Some may consider this sort of
behavior heartless, but it really isn't if you think about it. I mean,
what was that hundred and six year old woman in a wheelchair DOING in
the ethnic food aisle of the grocery store anyway? It's patently
absurd. If you ask me she was practically BEGGING to be tipped in front
of a murderous thug in order that you might more easily escape from
him. Some people have a lot of nerve.

Small Children

If you become aware that you are about to be assaulted:

Scan the surrounding area for small children out of the corner of your eye

If you spot any, make a mental note of the estimated age, attractiveness, and weight

Make a judgment as tot he most effective child in the area. It's best to choose a child who is:A. Plump. But not fat.B. Pleasing to the Eye. Attackers are unlikely to balk at harming an particularly ugly or malformed child.C. Female.D. Aged 4 Months to 2
years. This is the optimal sympathy evoking age. Anything more and the
child may appear ill-tempered or bratty. Anything less and the child
may be mistaken for a skinned rabbit or some sort of mystical gnome.E. Racially Pure. Those who would commit assault are oftentimes bigots, and will look with scorn upon a mixed-race child

Scoop the child up and hold it out in front of you, while
cowering behind it with your eyes closed. You may also wish to begin
whimpering in a cowardly fashion or sniveling at this point as well.

The bottom line is this: Using a small child as a human shield is not
foolproof. You are gambling on the idea that having to slice his way
through a toddler to get to you may give a machete wielding mental
patient pause, causing him to reconsider his attack on your person. But
there is always the chance that he may not. I leave it up to you to
decide if this is a risk you are willing to take.

That's all the dirty fighting tips I have for now. I'd just like to
remind everyone all that these dirty fighting tips are only intended to
be used in fictional life-or-death situations (such as being attacked
by a sinister biker in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, or being cornered
in a sweet shop by a guy who is in the process of transforming into a
terrible she-bear) so mark my words: if I catch anyone picking fights
in the real world and then using one of these patented moves, there's
going to be a hell of a lot of trouble around here.