My Definition of Normal

Interspecies Torture

I’m back with my fingers tapping away on my little black keyboard again. (Note to self: Tell Dad that either the table is too short or the chair is too tall; been getting aches all over my body from the long hours spent online) I know it’s only been a day since I was last here, but if you know me long enough, I’m very unpredictable.

Today’s post is inspired by this video:

You just gotta love The Vlog Brothers. In case you don’t know who they are, they’re John and Hank Green (In case you were wondering, the cool guy up there is Hank). Yes, I mean that John Green who wrote The Fault In Our Stars. (Why is the bookstore still not stocked up?!) I came across their videos by accident…? Either that, or I linked to their channel via goodreads. I’m more convinced it’s the latter though. Anyway, this particular vlog is about being verbally abused for no good reason and being bullied.

I have too much experience with both that I have forgotten the bulk of the encounters, but I can assure you, if you’re so lucky as to not have been bullied in your life, that it is not something you would want to go through. Hank had someone call him a p*ssy for no apparent reason. I had a girl from my secondary school shout at me “F@#$ you!” for no apparent reason. I was just a nerdy-looking girl minding my own business and enjoying the walk home when suddenly, she turns her head and yells “F@#$ you!” and other indiscernible vulgarities or insults at me. I’m thinking now that it could be because I looked so hideous that she thought I was going to follow her home and hide under her bed until night falls and then scare her out of her wits or it could be that she wants to engage in the literal meaning of that phrase, with is, well, rather unsettling to me. At that point of time though, all I did was go back home and cry till I had no more energy left. It was the first time someone shouted profanities in my face and I was 13, so pardon me if I seemed weak.

Before this happened, was the time when I was told in the face that I was the ugliest person in the world. It’s in this post if you haven’t seen it. I guess everyone who had the honour of getting bullied by some asshole (forgive my choice of word here) feels the same way. You cry and you hate yourself. I did both at the same time a lot. Ever since the incident, I asked myself why I looked that way when all the other girls in school looked so pretty, so perfect. I forced myself to look into the mirror when I knew very well that I didn’t want to. The mirror became my self-torturing tool. I stared into it every single day after school, focusing on all the imperfections on that disgusting face of mine. I also questioned why my sisters and brother could look so perfect. I’m trying to dig into the depths of my memory to recall whether I cried from this, but I can’t seem to remember much, except for the fact that I accepted the bully’s words and walked around feeling ashamed of myself.

Then there was this time I went to a junior college. Majority of the students were from elite secondary schools and I wasn’t. On the first few days of school, we didn’t have uniforms yet so we had to report to school in our old ones. Mine, unfortunately, was not in the likes of white or navy blue, the apparent colours of prestige. I turned up in yellow and green. I was the one and only and I stood out like a giraffe standing among a pack of lions. I was judged based on my background, I was looked down upon. It really didn’t help that I joined the band. ‘Cool’ guys mocked me. I always thought being in a band was special. Turns out in upper class society, it’s loserville.

Hank is right. Victims of bullying never deal with it. They just survive. People give you words of encouragement or advice, but they never really know how ti feels like at that point of time. My mum always told me to ignore those people and not bother about what they say to me, but she has forgotten how it feels to have people torture you mentally (she was bullied in primary school because of her height). You don’t just ignore them and carry on with your cherry-topped life. There is definitely an amount of hurt caused and you live with it until the bullying ends. Till then, you live everyday as if you’re in prison, made to reflect upon your wrongdoings when in fact you did nothing wrong. Bullies feel that much better when you’re suffering (in silence or by bawling out loud). I was never happy those years because I knew I had to face those people everyday, I knew that some part of me isn’t good enough for society.

I feel very strongly about the issue of bullying because I’ve had the first hand experience of it. I know the kind of pain it causes, I know the amount of damage it does to a person’s life. I contemplated suicide. I know. What I won’t know is physical torture because I have never been beaten up, but I think the psychological effects on a person will be the same.

Crying is painful, if you cry hard enough. Bottling up your problems causes real-life stomach ache. Thinking of suicide causes your family pain. This is what we go through, this is what our families go through. If you think of bullying someone, think of this. Think of how many people you are gong to hurt eventually. Everything goes on as usual in your picture perfect world, but someone or a group of people are struggling hard, trying to fit into the society that’s become just a wee bit crueller because of you.