Friday, September 19, 2008

Sarah Palin once beat a moose to death with its own beating heart.Sarah Palin doesn’t know what the Bush Doctrine is because Sarah Palin is the Bush Doctrine.It is well known that Sarah Palin’s longest political experience is as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, which had 6,300 residents at the time - but what’s less well known is that each resident is made of the souls of a thousand Alaskans, who each devoured ten more. This fact was omitted as it didn’t play well to the hockey mom demographic.Sarah Palin has, in fact, applied lipstick to a pit bull.Alaska is supplied with fossil fuels through Sarah Palin’s relationship with Santa.Sarah Palin was exposed to gamma radiation, and you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.Sarah Palin taught John McCain to moonwalk.Sarah Palin’s pets are made of guns.Sarah Palin’s heart is made of ice and must be kept refridgerated.Sarah Palin believes in dinosaurs; it was she who made them extinct.Sarah Palin can see Russia from the window of the ten thousand foot revolving nuclear bombard tower she makes her home.Sarah Palin intends to drill for oil on the moon.Although Sarah Palin has only left North America once physically, she has travelled the world via mind-link.Sarah Palin maintains a bipartisan relationship with all the animals. This involves guns.Sarah Palin can align her molecules to become any material she chooses.Sarah Palin can see through time.Sarah Palin has the most incredible collection of hand-painted sandles.Sarah Palin is an elaborate joke.Sarah Palin has to be careful not to touch water or she’ll turn into a mermaid, which is impractical in most of Alaska.Sarah Palin is a dab hand with a scythe.Sarah Palin taught John McCain to set the table properly.Sarah Palin has a huge moustache, but chooses to grow it at the back of her head.Sarah Palin’s bottom makes small trumpeting noises as she sleeps.Sarah Palin prefers spoon-playing to violins.Sarah Palin is preparing to lay her magnum opus.Sarah Palin features as an easter egg on the Criterion Collection DVD of Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters.Sarah Palin once held an opponent’s wife’s hand in a jar of acid … at a party.Sarah Palin is an expert throat singer, but stopped performing because her music kept being interpreted as policy.Sarah Palin is your father.Sarah Palin was designed in a clean room by Jonathan Ive, and makes a satisfying noise when rebooted.Sarah Palin lives her life through a combination of the principles outlined in Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and Luke Rhinehart’s The Dice Man.Sarah Palin cheats at Tetris.Sarah Palin would like you to smoke her a kipper; she’ll be back for breakfast.Sarah Palin has been made aware of the final resting place of the Holy Grail, and plans on heading to the Louvre to claim it for America.Sarah Palin knows High School Musical off by heart, but chooses to exclude the sequels from canon.Sarah Palin was created in the forties using a super serum, and was later recovered from suspended animation by a ragtag group of superheroes.Sarah Palin does not believe in rock and roll.Sarah Palin’s chest hair cures cancer.In the right light, Sarah Palin resembles Senor Peeg.Sarah Palin is a devout believer in Yogic principles.Sarah Palin taught John McCain to speak Inuit.Sarah Palin is friends with a hilarious set of anthropomorphised inanimate objects who help her out with common tasks around her home.Sarah Palin rebelled. She evolved. She looks and feels human. She is programmed to think she is human. She has many copies. And she has a plan.Sarah Palin has a trademark dance.Sarah Palin invented Jupiter. As in, the god.Sarah Palin can contort herself into the shape of an American eagle.Sarah Palin has a double jointed left elbow, which she uses to steal food from unwitting guests at parties.Sarah Palin taught John McCain to produce energy through cold fusion.Sarah Palin’s foreign policy chops were cut watching episodes of Alias, and intends to make Marshall Flinkman part of any administration.Sarah Palin predicted the collapse of the subprime mortgage market mere hours after it had actually happened.Sarah Palin looks tired because she hasn’t slept since 1732.Sarah Palin enjoys whipping moose.Sarah Palin’s webbed feet allow her to maneuvre easily underwater.Sarah Palin has the moral strength of a hundred Ronald Reagans, or ten thousand George W Bushes.Sarah Palin delights in chasing bees.Sarah Palin is Mandarin for “life”.Sarah Palin taught John McCain to love.Sarah Palin can connect to the hearts and minds of voters via Bluetooth.Sarah Palin survives on microbes carried by the air.Sarah Palin is a credible Vice President.