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Julie Burton

hot guys hunting

So here I am, getting over an awful cold, when Scott tells me, “Brett’s coming tomorrow night. Get the house lookin’ nice.”

Oh yeah, I forgot. ‘Tis the season.

The Halloween candy is stacking up in preparation for trick or treaters. We’re at a point when the heater runs continuously in our home. My yard is filled with brightly colored leaves. We’re slowly creeping towards Thanksgiving. The smells of pumpkin, hot cocoa, cinnamon bread and deer estrous fills my home. That’s right. I said it: DEER ESTROUS.

The va-jay-jay secretions from a doe when in heat (female deer).

Hey, I’m gagging right there with you too.

Oh Brett, Brett, Brett….

Brett is one of Scott’s oldest friends. They grew up together in South Florida. Every fall, Brett shows up in our driveway with his big Killin’ It Outdoors truck loaded with high tech cameras. He has all sorts of weapons he drags in. He is filming a hunting TV show called Killin’ It Outdoors. He travels all around the country shooting deer, turkey, and hogs. He fishes. He gator hunts. He has a gator outfitting service in South Florida for those that want to join him on his gator kills.

That’s all I really know as far as why he shows up at my doorstep every year – usually with a one day notice. I’m not particularly interested in hunting. If you are, by all means, please check out his Killin’ It Outdoors Facebook page.

I’ll tell you what I am interested in: candy.

I’m not talking about halloween candy either. Eye candy.

I’m just going to flat out say it: Brett and his little friends he brings along are hot. And single. And fit. And tan. They walk around with their shirts off because I keep the house a little bit too toasty warm for their liking.

Oh, is 78 degrees too hot, boys?

Yeah, I know I am a married woman with kids. Geez, I’m just lookin’

….lookin’ amazing when I walk down the stairs in the morning.

But then the estrous smell will start to build up. The boys will refuse to take showers. I can’t smell a difference between the woods in our backyard and the inside of my home. There will be a slight urine smell coming from somewhere I can’t quite pinpoint. Brett will dump bags of corn in our backyard then eerily sit in the darkened house next the window watching deer come in. This is not fun when I come downstairs in the dark at 10 pm for a snack. I have a loud scream. The backyard deer are my Bambi friends. Brett will get mad that I’m Team Bambi and threaten to wake me up with his next kill – a sawed off hoof stroking the side of my cheek. Or spreading the deer out on the top of my car with one hoof waving at me with a sign that says “Good morning, Julie!”.

And just like that Brett and his friend will morph into my teenage sons. I won’t care to even brush my teeth in the mornings. They will see the real morning Julie in baggy sweatpants and sweatshirt and no make up. I will beg Scott/Brett/Brett’s friend with my morning breath to take Emma to school because I want to sleep in.

Well. I guess I’ll have some extra sons around to help eat leftover halloween candy. Anyone want a Milky Way? It might smell like deer estrous but they’re fine.