VisitorQuestion Of The Week Archive:#28Welcome to wwwVOice's rather disturbing archive.... Enjoy!

5/19/97
Stanky,
Too often, I am awakened by the sound of birds chirping outside my window at 5:30 in the MORNING!!!! I don't know how to get those suckers to stop. I tried my Super Soaker on them, but I think they liked that! Any suggestions?-Guess.W-
Dear Guess W. This usually works for me. Staple some rubber snakes to a baseball cap, remove all your clothes and strap a big plastic owl on your back. Go over to the window, yank back the curtains really quick, jam your head out the window, and scream something like " I've got a gun, and I'm not afraid to use it!" If nothing else, at least the neighbors won't be coming around borrowing your stuff anymore.
-Spanky-

Do you know where I can buy a handcuff key without
being asked a lot of embarrassing questions?-Just Wondering-
I've been wearing long sleeve shirts. Uh... let me know if you find anything out.
-Sparky-

Exactly what type of questions get rejected? (Easy answer huh?)-Onionymous Vizitor-
Not so easy as it looks O' Onionymous one. Basically how this works is that every week we right down all the questions on little pieces of paper, put them all in a big hat, shake it up really good, get a local priest to fling some holy water on it, put it under Spanky's pillow, sleep on it, then when we get up in the morning we throw away the hat and make up all our own crap.
-Sparky-

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?-anonymous visitor-
Burnt popcorn.
-Spanky-

Sparkster,
Suppose yet another tree fell in the forest and crushed the entire Windows 97 development team, how long do you think this would delay a ten point stock increase, a two for one split, and creating another 2000 millionaires at Micro$ofty.-Laughing all the way to the bank, in Redmond WA.-
Owing to the fact that the Windows development team is actually comprised of a group of highly trained aardvarks, it's most unlikely that they would be found in any heavily forested area. However, god only knows what would happen if their software accidentally crashed into them.
-Sparky-

What side of a duck has the most feathers.-Gotta Know -
Their are about 115 known species of ducks. Most of the domestic breeds are derived from the "mallard" who of course has a larger percent of feath..... hey, is this a trick question?
-Sparky-

How hard do I have to sneeze to sneeze my brains out?-Gesundheit-
Not sure, how many times do you have to kick somebody to kick the stuffins' out of them. (com'on, it's a family site)
-Sparky-

Can you please explain the popularity of these
Ate My Balls pages which seem to be multiplying like rabbits?-Jadie-
My only guess here is that a, "Somebody-or-another ate my spleen" page just isn't as funny.
-Sparky-

What's the big deal about Superman being able to leap tall buildings in a single bound when he can fly?-anonymous visitor-
Most major cities (Metropolis included) have strict ordinances against flying around dressed up in brightly colored outfits. The "S" man, who we all know stands for truth, justice and the American way, simply found a loophole
-Spanky-

Dear Spanky,
I have a problem with being anonymous. If you could point out any tips or suggestions it would be GREAT!
-Anonymous, P.S. SEE? THERE IT IS AGAIN! -
The first thing to do here is to get yourself listed in the local phone book, however, this can cost several million dollars and take up to three years. Instead, you could just have your name tattooed on your forehead. As a follow up you may want to try running round the neighborhood shouting your name at the top of your lungs. (if you know what it is of course)
-Sparky-