Once Upon a Time: ‘Do you know how to use that wand?’

I don’t know if I like this twisted StoryBookLand. Rumplestilskin, a fairy godmother killer? Ugh. Why does every dream-come-true have to come with a twist (or something not-so-nice in the small print).

Emma Swan, deputy sheriff? Hey, there’s dental! Emma doesn’t seem like the savings account type, and like the sheriff pointed out, Storybrooke doesn’t seem to need a lot of her bailbondswoman talents. Kids live rent-free with their parents all the time, but not with a woman their own age who doesn’t know she’s their mother.

Emma tells young, pregnant Ashley that if she wants to change her life, she has to do it herself (hey, it was just a pair of red socks in with the sheets — not a life-ender). There are NO FAIRY GODMOTHERS! Yeah, especially after Rumplestilskin gets through with them.

Speaking of the ol’ Rump, the sheriff was wrong about the Brookesters needing Emma’s help. Mr. Gold needs her to find Ashley, who has made off with something important to him.

Cinderella: cute prince! So, is he related to Prince Charming or what? At her wedding, we briefly meet the King, and James and Snow are also there. But the show seems to go out of its way to not have the Charmings say anything to her to define the relationship (no “welcome to the family” or “you’re now my sister…cousin…whatever”), even though it seems as if at least Ella and Snow are close.

Ashley’s babydaddy’s daddy is just as manipulative as Rump. He brokered the deal where Ashley essentially sold her baby to Mr. Gold. His own grandchild! The words I’m thinking of to describe him, I’m not allowed to type here.

“One of Snow’s bluebirds.” Is that a euphemism or a nickname for something — or does Snow really have those happy little singing bluebirds like in the Disney film. If so, the StoryBookLand versions are probably chain-smokers.

Ha! And in watching that scene repeatedly to catch dialogue, I realized that Charming refers to the cave-staffer as “Grumpy” (and makes a reference to SBL’s favorite obstetrician Doc). LOVE IT! And again, I’m getting a brother-cousin-frat brother vibe from Charming and Thomas, Cinderella’s Prince. Unfortunately, the latter needs to go to a few more acting classes. He would do well as Pinocchio — before he became a real boy.

Storybrooke is a lot like Hotel California. Once you get there, you can never leave. And Ashley is a lot like Madonna: “she’s keepin’ her baby.”

I had a really bad feeling when Thomas said “As long as I’m alive…” I knew that wouldn’t end well. Especially given Rump’s threats that magic always comes at a price. Either in this world or the next: he will have that baby. Until then, Thomas’ whereabouts remain unknown. And is Charming upset enough if they are brothers…or cousins…or whatever?

Emma, Emma…you don’t make deals with the devil, or should I say Rumplestilskin. Whatever this favor is that he will call in, it will not be good. But all in a day’s work for Emma Swan, bailbondswoman — or should I say Deputy Swan?

Just who is “leaving their socks under the bed” with Mayor Regina?

Updates to our cast list:

Cinderella = Ashley (get it, the Cinder Girl, ashes…)
Thomas, Cinderella’s Prince = Sean Herman, who knocked up and then left poor Ashley at the insistence of his father, who didn’t want his son dragged down by such riff-raff
King (Cinderella’s Prince’s father) = Mr. Herman, snobby rich guy.

Cute shoe imagery to match our Cinderella story. First Henry loses his shoe on the stairs and then Sean brings slippers that might be too big for his new baby daughter — and they are a perfect fit. Awww.

Darn. That’s who’s leaving his socks under Regina’s bed. I was afraid of that.