Negative Emotions: Envy Vs. Jealousy

by Melody Fletcher on January 31, 2012

The core principle of this Law of Attraction work revolves around how we feel – our emotions. Most people try to squash or ignore their negative emotions. They think that negative emotions are something “bad”. But our emotions are simply a feedback system, that lets us know in any given moment if what we’re thinking about ourselves or the world is leading us closer to what we want or pushing us further away. And if what we’re thinking is pushing us further away, we’ll experience negative emotions.

I thought I’d create a little video series, where I delve into a different negative emotion each week and try to explain what kinds of beliefs may be causing those emotions and what messages those emotions may hold for you.

Today, I’d like to start with Envy and Jealousy.

Video Transcript:

What exactly is the difference between envy and jealousy? Aren’t they pretty much the same? Well, no. Envy and jealousy are both triggered by the same stimuli – by seeing someone else who has something that you want. But the core beliefs that cause each of these emotions are vastly different. So, in order to treat those beliefs and release them, it’s best to separate envy from jealousy.

Jealousy

Jealousy arises when you see someone else with something that you want, and think that because they have it, your chances of getting the same thing have diminished. There’s only one pie and everyone that takes a piece has lessened your chances of also getting a piece.

Jealousy is generally tied to two core beliefs.

Scarcity – that there’s a finite amount of resources. This is a false belief. Everything is just energy and energy simply expands. The Universe isn’t going to run out of resources to get you what you really want.

Control – you’ve decided that what you really want has to come to you in a specific way.

Let me give you an example: You have a car dealership and you’ve set an intention to get rich. You think that in order to get rich, you’re going to have to sell a lot of cars. The more cars you sell, the more money you’ll make. There’s a rival car dealership right across the road from you and every time you see them selling a car, you get a pang of jealousy. You get angry and have the urge to run over there and bop the owner in the face. Why? Because every client they sell to represents one less car that you can sell, so obviously, they’re sucking up all the clients.

But even if you had a severely limited number of customers that would buy cars, to the point where this rival dealer could saturate the market, which is highly unlikely, you’d still have to address the underlying control belief. This belief states that the ONLY way you can get rich is to sell a lot of cars. This is the only channel through which you’re going to allow that money to come to you. The Universe has an infinite number of ways to bring you what you want. It’s not restricted to this car dealership. You’re the one who’s creating that restriction. In thinking that this is the only way that you can get the money you want, and that your success is being threatened by this other dealership, your jealousy is going to be triggered every time they sell a car.

But it’s not actually the selling of the cars that’s causing the negative emotion. The negative emotion is being caused by the control issues and the beliefs of scarcity.

Envy

Envy is also triggered by seeing someone who has something that you want, but it doesn’t have anything to do with scarcity and control. It has more to do with an underlying issue of unworthiness – basically a belief that you can’t get whatever it is that you want.

Let’s say that you’re a bit overweight and you want to get thin. When you see someone else who is thin, you experience envy. It’s not jealousy. You don’t somehow think that their thinness diminishes your chances of losing weight. (Generally, we have an easier time understanding the scarcity issue when it comes to something arbitrary like thinness, than when it comes to something material such as cars or money.) This other girl in the street being thin isn’t going to diminish your chances of being thin. But it still makes you feel bad. Why? Because as you see her skinny butt walking down the street, it triggers an underlying belief. Perhaps you believe that you can’t lose weight, that you have no control over your body, that you can’t also be thin or that you’re never going to be thin. These are horrible thoughts, and it’s THESE thoughts that are causing the negative emotion, not her thinness.

You could also be envious of someone who has money. You could have an underlying belief that you don’t deserve to be rich, or that being rich is bad in some way. On the one hand, you desperately want to be rich, but on the other hand, you have a belief that you can’t have money or that you don’t deserve it. That creates a clash, a vibrational discord, and it’s this discord that’s causing your negative emotion.

So, when you experience envy or jealousy, or even both at the same time, dig down into your feelings and try to find out what thoughts you’re thinking at that moment that are causing your negative emotion. It’s not because you’re a horrible person and you don’t want others to have nice things. There’s a deep rooted belief in there somewhere that can be released; and once it’s released, you’re not going to experience the negative emotion anymore. Not only that, but you’ll open up the energy, so the Universe can bring you what you want.

Your explanation of the difference between jealousy and envy is so interesting! I had never made that distinction, but it is good to understand, so if we do have those feelings we can identify where they are coming from. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!!Cathy | Treatment Talk invites you to read..Let Go of Your Bad Habits and Find Your Passion

Thank you, Melody! I’ve been trying to conceptualize the difference between envy and jealousy for a few months now. Everything we ask for truly is given. I love your blog and I’m savoring the joy of finding another component in my journey. You rock.
Amanda

Hi Melody,
I can relate. I think everyone struggles with jealousy and envy once in a while. Don’t you? I never thought of it as control before. Sharing that gives me a lot of options! I am good at admitting when I feel it and digging deeper. When I keep up with my gratitude journal it’s a rare feeling. Gratitude is an antidote for many things. Thanks for discussing this. I think if you leaned it toward bloggers it could go viral;)

Awesome point, Tess! When we get into a state of gratitude (or its frequency) we can’t ALSO be in a state of jealousy or envy. That’s because these two states have a very different energy and you can’t vibrate at both at the same time.

I hadn’t thought before about the difference between jealousy and envy. I don’t think I feel much of either, except maybe for cars. I’ve been known to look out the window of my 1994 Chevy S-10 and sigh, but only when it’s not running well. Happiness always circles back to loving what you have, doesn’t it? Next time I think, “I wish…,” I’ll examine the thought for jealousy or envy, and take a step closer to identifying the underlying limiting belief.

Hi Melody,
It’s interesting how we define what’s a negative emotion (harmful, painful, not in our best interest etc.) and I might be quibbling over semantics or splitting hairs about how we define the meaning of a word but I don’t view envy necessarily as a negative emotion. Envy helps me identify and raise my level of awareness about that which I want or don’t have in the abundance that I would like. As an example, I envy genuinely happy fulfilled people and when I cross paths with one I pay attention because they are the ones I can learn from. So whenever I feel envy I ask myself is there something that I’m lacking in my life and do I need to make some adjustments in lifestyle.
RileyRiley Harrison invites you to read..TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION (and a hell of a lot funnier)!

Fantastic! There’s really no such thing as “negative”, but we often perceive certain emotions that way. They are just indicators and the beautiful thing is that once we realize this, most of the sting gets taken out of the negative emotions. When we choose to perceive these feelings as helpful we realize that most of them aren’t nearly as bad as we thought. It’s all a matter of perception.

It sounds like you’ve figured out how to decode your emotions and hear their message. Congrats my friend!

Hi Melody
Great video here. The distinctions you made between the two emotions are spot on. These feelings are some of the most uncomfortable yet some of the most unnecessary. Our poorly-conditioned minds, however, often cannot see this because we can carry so much doubt about being able to create our ideal circumstances. I struggle with these feelings sometimes in certain areas, but I can usually snap myself out of it by owning it and trying to figure out what I can do to change the situation. Really love all of your stuff!kelli cooper invites you to read..When the Universe Forces Our Hand

Thanks so much for your wonderful feedback! It’s really amazing what happens when we start to see these emotions more objectively. They lose their power over us. We don’t HAVE TO feel this way. How awesome is that??

Good description of the distinction between the two; and both can be very strong emotions. We all feel these emotions at times and I just try to focus on the things I can control and not worry so much about the things I can’t. Doesn’t always work right away, but it is in my thought process.Bill Dorman invites you to read..Time to move on Brian Meeks*

That’s huge – being able to let go of the stuff you can’t control. Actually, realizing that you can’t control everything comes first, and that’s huge, too. No one said that you had to be able to release emotions instantly. It’s ok for it to be a process. Just keep on truckin’, that’s the important bit.

I’ve been enjoying your site for a while, but this is my first comment. I love how you’ve broken down envy and jealousy into two separate categories and delineated the differences between the two. I agree that in both cases, it’s important to dig down to discover both the feelings and the underlying beliefs.

I also like to remind myself what Abe (aka Abraham Hicks) says about contrast. When I see someone with something that I want and it makes me miserable, I’m experiencing contrast. I need to remember that I can move toward the experience of letting in what I desire to experience, instead of pissing and moaning that I don’t have it yet.

I love that my reactions to the world around me are such a great teacher!

Welcome to the comment section of Deliberate Receiving, he, he. You know, you can look at it as straight contrast and just always reach for the better feeling thought, or you can dig down into the emotions, define them and use that info to shift them. Either way, it works. I prefer to do a little of both. A lot of us are so cerebral that if we don’t let our minds get involved in the process a little, I find that our minds tend to block us. Why not let them help us? Hence, the breakdown of the processes and how it all works. In the end, the goal is still to feel better. Always.

I have been envious of you and Eliza on facebook – you keep getting so many new sign ups to your site and community and I feel because I am going so slowly with my site in 2011 ( and PW for the past 4 years) I am not good enough to be trying to work in this fast paced world of the internet work. That feeling of insecurity about being too slow and challenged to be able to succeed – and I am not even setting my sites to make a living, I would just like $250 to attend a Healing without Form training in March and enough income to pay my phone bill and my health insurance. That is this months goal ( Well the tuition is due by March 10th, unless the workshop fills up before, but I can deal with that because it will mean I was not meant to attend.)

Then I have jealousy:
When it takes me a year to learn how to do a newsletter and $150
When it takes me 2 classes on how to market and I am still not doing it the right way in 4 years
When it takes me hours to find the right little thing to peak interest on FB and I can not figure out the other social media sites
When no one signs up for my newsletter and FB page
I feel jealous, because I think I have not found my right niche or I am not able to find even a contentment for all this work. I feel exhausted…
So I go back to the drawing board…What is my problem with money?
I am not doing what others find valuable?
Am I not asking correctly?
How can I make this fun again? ( but not working so hard )

…and I do not think it is jealousy or envy about my weight. I just want to be healthy and not take any medications…then I think my life purpose has something to do with being this unhealthy? So the tarot cards say go back to confront your fears…

Oh my walk this morning was fair heavenly…and when I felt like I was going to fatigue out I put on Momma Mia and danced. I let myself cry a bit…

This was a great post and certainly helped me with emotional IQ…

Yes! I have the name of a great counselor…. truly I have given them enough money..
I keep hoping that when one feels this frustrated that it means I am verging on the change I need…

I have had my sites evaluated by 2 Grade A successful bloggers…and they both say I need to hire an SEO writer and a marketing person…. I figure if I am supposed to find that kind of money it will come to me?
But maybe I just need to change my goals?
Once again Melody I feel like you are speaking to me!
I do know that one of my primary successes is how many blogs I read ( every word) and write on…until recently I was making great comments, but now I am pressing for my own answers and not writing on so many spacespatricia invites you to read..The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award

I think you’re getting WAY too mired in the details of all of this. Don’t worry about how many FB fans you have or how you’re going to learn this or that skill. I think the most important question you asked is “How can I make this fun again?” Because you’re not having a lot of fun now and it shows. THAT’s why you’re not getting the results you want. So, leave everything else aside and focus on that. What do you want to focus on, on your blog that would make it really fun for you to write? how do you want to interact with your FB peeps that would be fun (or do you want to interact at all? Maybe right now that seems like a chore, in which case just drop it for a while.) If you don’t feel that you’ve found your niche or your voice, try out some different things. Maybe you could share your struggles on your blog and every time you find a way to feel better, you could share that, too. You could attract people that are also asking the same questions you are and you could find the answers together, as a community. Just a thought.

If you’re not having fun with your blog, change your approach to it. Drop everything that isn’t fun right now and focus purely on that. Let your personality shine through it completely (that’s what makes my writing fun for me.) I know that you’re supposed to write with your audience in mind, but first and foremost you have to write for YOU. If you don’t love what you’re doing, no one else will.

I think so many of these negative emotions come from the programming that so many of us received that taught us that we aren’t good enough and that we don’t deserve what we want (i.e. envy). I’ve been dealing with this most of my life. While, consciously, I feel competant and worthy, my subconscious thinks otherwise. Every day I actively work to notice how and when this comes up in so many subtle ways, face it and change the thought. Without this constant awareness, I would be allowing the old programs would continue to drive me. Thanks for making these distinctions Melody!Paige | simple mindfulness invites you to read..How to Deal Effectively With Difficult People (and Some Other Secrets)

That’s really what it’s all about isn’t it? Noticing when we don’t feel good and then changing our perspective until we do, shifting the energy of the situation in the process. It seems way too simplistic, really, but what a powerful process.

I love your talent of explaining things in an easy to understand manner. So often, I can FEEL how things are different but am at a loss as to how I would explain that difference. This has been the case with jealousy and envy. I have always known they FEEL different, but have never been able to articulate how! Today I learned that I actually feel jealousy more often than I feel envy (I thought it was the other way around). Most important, I learned the things that are underlying to both of those emotions. I love that I will now be able to clarify WHAT I am feeling and work with that towards a better feeling emotion. Thank you so much for being here <3

You’re so welcome Kimmie! I’m so glad that this video helped you gain some clarity. Once we understand our emotions and do a bit of self reflection, it can help us to identify the root causes of what we’re feeling and let those go. Powerful stuff!

Hi, Melody!
It is interesting how you give examples of these emotions and try to put boundaries between them. I’d say jealousy is much more dangerous than just envy. But, jealousy is not considered to be a deadly sin…and on the other hand, envy is. Remember the movie Seven?EleonoraEOF invites you to read..Syntha-6 Protein Powder Review by BSN

Yeah… the deadly sins… LOL. Let’s scare everyone and maybe we can chase them toward enlightenment. I agree, jealousy does far more damage than envy, but I doubt that the people who re-wrote the bible (yes, I went there) had much of an understanding of emotions or had any intention of fostering such an understanding. Having said all of that, I still loved the movie Seven. Gruesome, yes. But unique and interesting and, well, Brad Pitt. So there’s that…

Thanks for the profound explanations between the two. I’ve always thought the two are interchangeable. Now I understand what I’m really going through. Hopefully, with understanding, I can slowly curb my sentiments and no longer feel the horrors of envy and move on with my life.

Welcome to Deliberate Receiving!
Often, figuring out what it is that you’re feeling already helps you to shift out of it to a degree. The big key is to figure out WHY you’re feeling it. The core belief that makes you envious of others.

If you’re reading sites like this one, you’re well on your way. You can’t immerse yourself in information like this and not pay attention to how you’re feeling. The two go hand in hand.

Thanks for the great article! I completely agree with your take on the underlying causes of jealousy and envy and you did a great job at differentiating the two. I think that both jealousy and envy are purposeful because they each point to these feelings of scarcity and unworthiness. I believe that that might be their true function – to point us to these beliefs and let us come to the conclusion of their falsehood.

Exactly! That’s the purpose of all emotions – to show us if what we’re thinking and believing in that moment is serving us (moving us closer to who we really are and everything we want) or not. When we can begin to look at emotions that way, life gets way more interesting and we have a lot more control over how we feel.

i have a question..what if i see someone having something and i resent it, because i think they dont ‘deserve’ ? to consider two hypothetical cases :
1)what if i see a girl who was a serial cheater on her previous boyfreinds and who stabbed me in the back end up with a boyfreind who is devoted to her and loves her and all that? and shes genuinely happy and people think shes great anyway? while im sitting here dealing with heartbreak?
2)what if i see a person who i think is not as great a singer as i am..or an artist..or anything..or even not as goodlooking as i am, but she/he gets praised repeatedly and even receives acclaim perhaps but i dont?

now i do know that im attracting my OWN situation, and she/hs attracting her own. also i know the universe dosent give a damn as to who deserves what. it just doles out manifestations according to the manifestors vibration.but how do you slot the negative emotion im feeling towards someone who i think is ‘less deserving’ than i am? cuz unless i identify it i cant even work towards taking it out of my system right?

Your negative emotion comes from a belief that good stuff should be awarded according to a different set of criteria than the Universe uses. So, if someone is a hobag, she shouldn’t get to be happy with a great guy and people liking her.
And the most popular singers should be those with the most talent who are also the prettiest, and hopefully the nicest.

But you don’t get to determine the criteria by which the Universe doles out the good stuff. The problem is that you think it SHOULD work that way and you don’t like it that it doesn’t. And that’s where you’re stuck. You get it intellectually, but you don’t like it.

Let’s say that people’s happiness was determined by how deserving they were. Who gets to decide how deserving that person is? Who gets to decide who is prettier or more talented? And what if that girl who stole your boyfriend isn’t actually a bad person, but was in a lot of pain in that moment (maybe her parent died) and was just looking for relief. Should she be “punished” for the rest of her life because of one bad move? Who gets to decide? Who even has all the data to decide?

And what if that entity (let’s say God) IS deciding and HAS made a fair decision, but because you don’t have all the info that God has, you don’t think it’s fair?

You are judging the people in your life based on the information that YOU have access to, which is just a tiny piece of the whole. And then, when things don’t seem to make sense to you based on that teensy bit of info, you think the system is broken. Whether we’re talking about how deserving someone is, or their manifesting vibration, it’s the same. You don’t get to judge someone’s manifestation because you can’t ever have all the necessary data. Would you really want someone else judging how deserving you are based on the one action they witnessed? What if it wasn’t your finest moment?

So, that’s how you make peace with this issue: You realize that you don’t have all the data to know if something was fair (and it was. Always).

also, cant people just BE douchebags and get away with it?
i mean..i know people whove been mean to other people, or stolen boyfreinds and stuff just for fun. and they get away with this. i know the LOA does not ‘punish’..but then how do the rest of us deal with the concept of justice? what about people whove been raped and hurt in other terrible ways..and the perpetrators walk away free. we cant just convince ourselves to look the other way by shifting our perspective right?

Soo , how exactly do you move past this. Im a very envious person, I know that this is because the people Im envious of have something I don’t think I can have, but recognizing that doesn’t make me feel better. I find myself very upset or maybe hurt is a better word, if my husband thinks someone is attractive, he doesn’t even have to say it or be around me when I see them, and these are people on television so I know its absurd, its not like he’s gonna leave me for them, but I cant help the way I feel about it. I recognize the feelings and try to reach for a better feeling thought, the only one I can come up with is– he married me so I must be good enough ( not much of a better feeling thought but its all I have) soo… any suggestions on this. Youve done a great job describing the emotions, but I don’t quite know where to go from here.

Well, the next step is identifying the thought that’s causing you to have a negative reaction. When your husband notices a beautiful woman on TV, why does it actually bother you? Don’t be embarrassed or try to rationalize why the feeling doesn’t make sense. It’s a valid feeling given the thought you have. So, what does his behavior say to you about you? You’re gone in the right direction with the whole not feeling like you’re good enough bit. Go a bit deeper. Is it just about looks or do you get the same feeling if your husband notices someone’s talent? What’s the actual trigger here?
Once you find that, you’ll need to shift your perspective of the event. So, let’s say that the trigger is primarily about looks. You only get upset when he notices another woman’s beauty. And your brain, following that false thought, thinks that his appreciation of her beauty means that he’s comparing the two of you and has decided that she’s prettier. Wow. That’s quite a story that your brain came up with there. All of it is fiction by the way, since you have no evidence that any of this actually happened in your husband’s head. Also, you’re assuming that he’s constantly on the lookout for women who are prettier than you are. That doesn’t make him a very good guy, does it?

But, what if he’s not looking for someone prettier than you? What if he appreciates beautiful women in general? He loves beauty and loves to look at it? And out of all those beautiful women, he chose you. Because it makes him happy to look at you every day. Yes, he still appreciates beauty everywhere he sees it, but he ESPECIALLY appreciates your beauty. He’s not comparing the woman on TV to you. There’s no comparison! You’re his goddess, the one he can’t stand not to have around, and those are images on TV. I bet he looks at nice cars and gadgets, too. Do you feel threatened by those, too?