Thursday, April 16, 2015

I laid there with my shirt completely soaked in breast milk. This was my first night away from my six month old baby. I got there that night and didn't leave until the sun was up. I was pretty much ready to leave as soon as I got there but there was no turning around at this point.

Welcome to the Metro Health emergency room.

I wasn't injured, I hadn't been involved in any type of accident, I wasn't bleeding uncontrollably. It was none of that. I guess I had just grown tired of fighting with myself and I was ready to tap out. Very suicidal.

So I went somewhere where there were doctors in white coats and prescriptions to hand out like the candy the school nurse gives you when you scrap your knee at recess along with a cute little band aid. Only the cute little band aid was not going to cut it this time.
Damn depression.

They recommended I be admitted. I recommended they not recommend things and I went home.

That was seven months ago and even as I sit on this couch writing this small part of my story it feels as if I'm writing about some other person and in this moment I am appreciating the journeying that has brought me to this moment in time.

I know darkness oh so well. I bathed in it. If light shined my way I hid from it, waiting for it to pass before I re-emerged.

I believe that every life experience comes with a lesson. Depression comes to teach and it doesn't leave until you learn and the longer you resist the lesson the longer it stays. I personally, just wanted to be happy. I wanted to silence that voice inside that says I am a worthless, unmotivated, ugly, tired, useless, stay at home mom with no purpose, no money- destined for mediocracy. I wanted THAT voice gone even it if it meant I had to die right with it.

Now every morning I re-emerge, eager to become reacquainted with my light. I am learning to honor my life in a deeper way, instead of entertaining the darkness. My promise to myself is to Love myself and to let my life inspire my fellow human to do the same.

This is why I share my story, for the people that feel stuck and the people who think they made a mistake in coming to this planet. My depression isn't cured and somedays are still a fight but I am happy to say that the vision of my higher self is getting more clear as the days go by.

And here is a reminder in case you forgot:

You are at the exact right place in the exact right time and everything is working together for your good.