Chatter Boxing: Facing the pain (part 1)

Where have I been?

Where am I going?

Trifling – inconsequential, of no real matter, irrelevant, useless.

I heard the word trifling so often growing up that it was just that another word. I fully admit that not until a few months ago I asked my husband what it meant. It plays on repeat in the back of my mind. As I am fighting so hard to reel my life into control I keep hearing a faint voice ” you don’t matter” ” your irrelevant” “your useless” . All of this is counter productive . Why fight so hard to get physically better? Why fight for my dreams? It does not matter because I won’t amount to anything.

I know all these thoughts are toxic , and NOT TRUE. I can do anything if I just do it. Jump , I keep saying it JUMP I have nothing to lose. If I truly don’t matter,irrelevant and useless nobody will notice.

So why do I keep getting caught up with singing and dancing little girl and joining in with her in ” Your sorry, lazy and trifling.” ?

I worry so much about hurting other people so much time and energy wasted on things that really do not matter. It is a tiresome brutal mind battle replaying what I have said or done, and before it is all over I have just beaten myself up to the point of emotional death.

I over the feeling of living in fear of everything. It keeps me in a nice neat tight box. It controls so much of what I do that I can’t do much of anything.

– “I am sorry, lazy and trifling.”

I have to break out of this prison.

The past few months I have been finally fighting to get my pain under control. Even had my creative side come out , but she sneaks back into hiding so easily.

I have thought about what I learned in my mindfulness class :

“The life you had before chronic pain is over, you still have a life a full life it is just going to be different new.”

So who am I going to be? What am I going to do?

I know what I want to do, I have known for a long time. I am afraid , of what I don’t know because by all logic I am already a failure so what do I have to lose?