This post may have less to do with our adoption and more to do with my life in general, but oh well...here's what I'm thinkin' about...

I have had a busy few weeks, and life has been full of circumstances that require my trust and patience at supernatural levels. This has left me feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and fatigued. That leads to me being grumpy, frustrated at times, and not very joy-filled.

I feel like someone spinning plates at a carnival, running from one plate to the next to keep them all going at the same time. I feel like I work all the time, and yet my pile just gets bigger. My kids have asked me, Mom, what is it you do, exactly, when you work? I am, after all, a stay-at-home mom with no paid occupation. I don't punch a clock or go to an office. My responsibilities include the logistics of managing a home and homeschooling, ministry in our church, my side business in home parties, and of course, now, adoption and blogland. When I remind them of these things, they usually respond, oh...we thought "work" was your code word for facebook. Hahaha. Witty kids. (At this point I send them off to do extra schoolwork...who's laughing now?!)

I don't see an end in sight when it comes to my workload. When one thing is completed, something seemingly equally important comes right along behind it. I've come to the realization that I have to learn to order my life and time around what I believe to be the most important things, and with all the other stuff: just "do the next thing" for today and the rest will be there tomorrow.

So that's a good lesson. Still figuring out just how to do that. But most important for me, this weekend, was a realization of my sinful attitude. I'd like to blame the exterior "stress", but my feelings (worry, fear, frustration, stressed) are internal and are the response I've chosen to my circumstances. I have been frustrated with God for the trying situations and difficulties and have taken it out on others around me. And I realized this weekend, it is because I do not understand the gospel.

Sure, I am a worthy object of the wrath of God who has been saved from my sin and adopted as a child of God. Jesus died for me, and through Him I have a new life filled with peace, hope, purpose, a family and a home.

I love that part. I embrace that message of forgiveness and love. I love that new life.

But 1 John 2:6 says, "Whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus did. " (NIV) And in 2 Corinthians 3:18, it says "And we all...beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another." (ESV)

Thats sounds good, in theory. I'm becoming like Jesus. Woo-hoo! But do I want to be like Jesus? Do I want to live as Jesus lived? He was rejected and despised by men. He was overworked and unappreciated. He was homeless and owned next to nothing. His people denied Him and friends betrayed Him. He lived to serve and sacrifice for others, even to the point of death. He is called "the man of sorrows". Is this really "the life you've always wanted"?

I realized I only wanted part of what Jesus offers. Joy and heaven? Yep! I'm in! But as the Lord has sought to mold and shape and refine me these lase few weeks---transform me to be like Jesus---I have griped and moaned under the pressure and pain.

But today, I am thankful. My God loves me so much, despite my resistance and lack of faith, He who began a good work in me years ago is STILL working in me. He has not given up. He still plans to make me more and more glorious in Christ. Oh, how He loves me. I am so grateful for His persistence and pursuit of my transformation.

And I realized, understanding this is the key to having joy and peace in all circumstances. I really CAN give thanks in everything (1 Thess 5:18)! Not in an empty, head-nodding, sure-kid-sure kind of way. But in an embrace of the sovereign control a loving Father who wants the best for me--and He knows the best thing for me is that I decrease, and Jesus increase in my life. I can't muster up change in me. He does what only He can do, and when He does---I feel loved. And I am grateful.

Lots of words. Sorry. Just my thoughts. Maybe nothing to do with adoption. Maybe everything to do with adoption. (Especially in this paperwork phase! LOL)

Want to hear the sermon that sparked it all for me? Go here and launch jukebox to listen.

Oh and by the way...we're $200 away from being able to apply for our homestudy!! That's only 8 t-shirt sales!!! Want one? Go here!