“Kolo Toure’s magic/your defence is terrified/shake it up baby now (shake it up baby)/Yaya, Yaya Toure” – popular folk song, 2016

With Rangers having brought Clint Hill on board, Celtic responded by bringing in a veteran defender of their own. Kolo Toure refused to comment on comparisons between himself and Hill, citing a headache he’d suffered as a result of the glare from his two English Premier League winner’s medals. Hill’s best known for his spell as captain of Queens Park Rangers, although some confused Celtic fans insist it was Queens Park Sevco.

Celtic completed the signing of Kolo ‘Kolo, Kolo, Kolo’ Toure from the song just weeks after Rangers were linked with Will ‘highly flammable’ Grigg from the other song. At this stage Scottish football scouting essentially amounts to a couple of guys watching videos of lads singing in Magaluf. Partick Thistle, meanwhile, are rumoured to be in for Madame Butterfly from the aria. Toure caused a Twitter storm after being spotted outside Ross Hall hospital singing “There’s no, there’s no there’s no, there’s no there’s no, there’s no there’s no Old Firm”.

Fans tuning into BT Sport’s coverage of East Stirling v Rangers were treated to blackouts and disruption. The broadcaster provided a handy summary of what viewers had missed, which read: “Drama at Ochilview as Rangers ____ with a _____ leaving East Stirling ____ and utterly______ Calvin Harris ft ______”.

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Scottish champions Celtic met their English counterparts Leicester on Saturday, and were only denied thanks to Kasper Schmeichel’s decisive stop in the shootout. James ‘curious child lost in enchanted’ Forrest calmly stepped up and picked his spot on the naughty step. The result was ultimately meaningless, however, as proved by the absence of Jamie Vardy and the presence of Scott Allan. “Yeah they’re champions now, but they can’t afford to keep selling their best players,” said one Leicester fan after hearing the Efe Ambrose rumours.

They call managing England “the impossible job”, although “the job that on paper sounds possible but then seems impossible because of Joe Hart” would be more accurate. The FA have chosen gruff Ginsters-enthusiast Sam Allardyce as their new masoch…manager, beating out a whole host of Jürgen Klinsmann and some other guys.

Steve Bruce was initially summoned for talks with the FA, who asked him "Do you know anyone who'd be interested in the England manager job?". Steve Bruce, who’s never been seen at the same time in the same place in the same English pub in Benidorm as your aunt.

Ian Durrant claimed this week that Rangers have steamed ahead of Celtic, and he’s got a point. Celtic didn’t come close to lifting the 2015/16 Petrofac Training Cup. Durrant also claimed that Joey Barton is “quite popular on Twitter”, but upon closer analysis 97.2% of his retweets are from Celtic fans trawling through tweets from 4 years ago to find comments about Rangers.

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On Sunday the International Olympic Committee (IOC) decided against a blanket ban on Russia competing in Brazil. Russian athletes had responded angrily to doping allegations. Then calmed down. Then got angry again. Then calmed down. Then got angry again. Then cried for a bit. Then punched a wall. Then stayed up for three days. Then slept for six. “We believe this decision is completely justified and withstands scrutiny,” insists a statement from joint IOC chairmen Vladimir Putin and Sepp Blatter.

What Yer Da Did At The Weekend #1

Sent “Lookin good hunny it totally suits you xoxo” tweets to several Sky Sports News presenters, all of whom are younger than his mortified daughter.