Domestic violence happens in Arlington, say retiring leaders

Sunday

May 5, 2013 at 12:01 AMMay 5, 2013 at 5:02 AM

One night a week in a safe place in Arlington, women drink tea from a china cup on a china saucer.

In a town whose police department received 344 domestic violence calls in 2012, of which 68 were simple assault and 11 were aggravated assault, according to Arlington resident and former social worker Elaine Shea, it may seem like a minor gesture.

But it’s a start, said Shea, who led the local First Step domestic violence support group for 16 years along with Arlington residents Claudette Sue Lahaie and Mary Deyst before the three retired from their volunteer positions this year.

Monica Jimenez / Wicked Local Arlington

One night a week in a safe place in Arlington, women drink tea from a china cup on a china saucer.

In a town whose police department received 344 domestic violence calls in 2012, of which 68 were simple assault and 11 were aggravated assault, according to Arlington resident and former social worker Elaine Shea, it may seem like a minor gesture.

But it’s a start, said Shea, who led the local First Step domestic violence support group for 16 years along with Arlington residents Claudette Sue Lahaie and Mary Deyst before the three retired from their volunteer positions this year.

At a reception in their honor Tuesday night, during which the new leaders of the group were introduced – a clinical social worker and another woman dedicated to helping domestic violence victims – several people said they had been struck by the china teacups offered to women at First Step meetings.

"The premise is, it’s hard to feel awful about yourself if you’re drinking tea from a china teacup," Shea said in an interview. "There’s something different about a china teacup. It has fancy flowers, it’s dainty, and you think, ‘Oh, this must be special. I must be special.’"

A former Arlington school nurse who ordered rocking chairs for all school clinics, Lahaie recognized a gesture in the same spirit when Shea handed her a steaming china teacup 16 years ago and asked her to help lead the domestic violence group, she said.

"Her [Shea’s] philosophy was if these women come in who have been so cut down emotionally and physically, if they come in and have tea in a china teacup, they feel they deserve to be treated with dignity," said Lahaie, who brought homemade goodies to meetings and called herself the grandmother of the group.

In the same vein, members of the group would be treated to a cake and bouquet of flowers on their birthdays, Deyst said.

"The aim was to try to give them confidence and make them feel special. These women really thought it [the abuse] was their fault. They had been told it was their fault," Deyst said. "There was physical abuse, but the women would say the emotional abuse was more hurtful and lasted longer… Where the bruises could heal, the inside bruises didn’t."

Taking the first step

Women who came to the group ranged from women in their late teens and early twenties to grandmothers in their seventies, unmarried and married and divorced, from women who never finished high school to PhDs in engineering, from recent immigrants and women with low incomes to middle- and upper-class women, according to Shea, Lahaie and Deyst.

They stayed in abusive relationships because of money, or children, or religious or cultural stigmas on divorce – but they had one thing in common, Lahaie said.

"In very cunning ways, these men would make them feel like crap, putting them down all the time, always finding something wrong, lowering their self esteem," Lahaie said. "It would get bigger and worse. It would go on for a long time. And my belief is that it can still be quite hidden."

Finding their way to the group through the police, local agencies such as the Arlington Youth Counseling Center, and word of mouth, these women would sometimes sit through their first meeting without speaking, Shea said.

"I think it’s not uncommon for people to think this isn’t happening to anyone else. They think they probably brought it on themselves," Shea said. "There’s a lot of shame and guilt."

But simply listening to other women’s experiences helped, Shea said.

"Someone would come in and tell a story and all around the table, everyone just knew what she was talking about," Shea said. "There’s great comfort in that, in someone who really gets it."

For their part, Lahaie, Shea and Deyst raised funds and accepted donations from local "guardian angels" to cover babysitting and even dental costs for women. They went along to court for restraining orders and the welfare office for aid.

They interviewed women to make sure they were ready for the group, and protected meeting dates and location and last names, although women could share their first names and numbers within the group if they chose. They worked with the Arlington police, whom they were not afraid to correct if they were doing something wrong, laughed Arlington Police Chief Fred Ryan at the reception Tuesday.

While Lahaie specialized in offering women’s health advice and Deyst provided a gentle, soothing presence, Shea took a different approach, she said.

"I was sort of the tough guy. I’d tell them a little more directly than maybe the others would," Shea laughed. "We played off each other, good guy and bad guy."

"How can I help you?"

At the reception Tuesday, the new group leaders read statements from women who had left bad situations thanks to the strength, insight and humor they found at First Step.

"You could not help but admire these women," Shea said. "We believed in them. We honored their strengths. They inspired us – they had so much courage."?Lahaie agreed.

"You know there’s hope for these people," she said.

There’s still a long way to go in terms of support for domestic violence victims, said Shea and Deyst, who hope more resources such as counseling or legal assistance will be available to victims in the future. Lahaie suggested addressing bad home situations earlier could prevent many children from becoming domestic violence victims or perpetrators when they grow up.

But awareness of the problem is increasing, they said – and in the journey toward healing, this is the first step.

"The next time you believe domestic violence is going on, look them in the eye and ask, ‘How can I help you?’" said Suzanne Kontz, head of the District Attorney’s office’s domestic violence unit, who spoke Tuesday night. "If you take nothing else away from this – ask."

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