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The most traumatizing thing that can happen to me in a subway is realizing that there are people around me that resemble those of cliche characters from disaster movies because then my brain immediately goes to: oh god, we are all going to get trapped down here and have to fight for our lives to get out.

I’m not over-exaggerating on this subject at all either, I honestly think this way a lot when I get into a situation that could potentially be a disaster movie scenario. If I look around and see one or a few of these kinds of people that I’m about to list, I get a little nervous that my imagination is going to come true.

Let’s start off with the one that I had today in my subway car:

1. The obnoxious guy that everyone hates: this guy today would not stop cursing when the subways stopped for a few minutes. Just going on and on about how ridiculous this is and how much he hates the subway. Mind you, this was not a hobo who was just talking to himself, he was a nicely dressed man who loves the F-word apparently. I wonder what kind of job that guy has, but in the plot of my disaster movie, he will not be making it out alive. He will most likely go crazy, pull a gun on everyone for no reason and somehow meet his doom. Reminding everyone that it pays to be nice.

2. The cute kid you know is going to live: who kills off a little kid? When that happens in a movie there is usually an outcry of people who were offended by it. I have to say, even when I see a movie where the kid dies I feel a little queezy. Thus if there is a cute little kid on your subway car, just assume he is going to live and don’t worry about helping him.

3. The hero who usually has a family he needs to save or get home to: this is going to be the lead of the movie and is usually good looking for some reason. Usually his only need is to save his family or to get home to them. Unfortunately he usually dies in the end dramatically but not always.

4. Some kind of animal that usually lives: the dog will miraculously survive.

5. The elderly couple (the older woman usually dies): there’s usually a really loving elderly couple who somehow makes it a long time before one of them ultimately dies. For some reason it’s usually the woman, what’s up with that?

6. The comical relief minority: it’s either the smartass Asian or the “DAAAAMN!” and “Oh Heeeeeell No!” African American guy but this person’s sole responsibility is keeping everyone in good spirits. Lucky for them, they often live.

7. Some kind of overweight person, sometimes seemingly on drugs: he’s a goner. This type of person is always very easy to find in any real life situation so I don’t get too scared when I realize there’s one in my subway car.

8. That random guy that has no real personality and no lines that you know is going to die first

So the plot I think up goes something like this. Our subway stops and everyone at first thinks it’s just train traffic ahead. But somewhere outside of the subway, government officials are having an emergency meeting about how all the subways have jammed in the tunnels. Of course there was that one scientist that saw it coming but no one listened to him. To make a very long story short, we’re all doomed.

And thus, this is what I think about when I’m on subway cars, airplanes, buses, boats etc. Guaranteed you will at least think about this post next time your sitting on a plane and you realize your sitting next to an old elderly couple, have a cute little kid sitting behind you, and a man sitting across from you saying that he’s finally going home to see his family for the first time in months.