Suicide bomber sees himself ‘more in a management role’

Iqbal Ibrahim, a newly recruited member of an Al-Qaeda-linked group in Baghdad, was reported to be thrilled to have been selected to fulfill his dream of participating in the Jihad against Western troops in the country, but was a little disappointed that his first assignment – driving a car loaded with explosives into the wall of the Green Zone – might not be making the best use of his skills and abilities.

‘Don’t get me wrong,’ said 21-year-old insurgent from his family home in the Baghdad surburbs, ‘I’d do anything to have the American invaders out of our country to create a true Islamic state in Iraq, and I’m delighted that the bosses want to give me so much responsibility so quickly…but I had been hoping for something in more of a supervisory capacity, so to speak.’

Ibrahim has now requested a meeting with the terror cell’s leader to present some of his proposals for expanding the group and its international profile, with him in the role of ‘an ideas man’ responsible for ‘long-term strategic thinking’. He also plans to highlight his powerpoint skills and a media studies qualification, which he considers could be used to help the group communicate more effectively through its broadcast messages and video-recorded beheadings.

And in spite of his apparent reluctance to participate in the suicide attack, and rumours that he’s under pressure from a fiancée angry at the prospect of his receiving 72 virgins, the young fundamentalist was adamant that the proposed strike should go ahead.

‘It’s not that I don’t think this mission, which will see another blessed Jihadi blown to smithereens to further our cause, is unimportant,’ he insisted, ‘but others may be better suited for this particular holy role. I have a cousin who, even when we were children together, would be dedicated to identifying any possible little breach of scripture and would give me a well-deserved Chinese burn to help me remember each transgression. That kind of devotion to Islam deserves an opportunity like this. I happen to have his mobile number right here.’