The Wasatch Behind: Spud debates himself

"What's the deal?" I asked Uncle Spud. "The Democrats and the Republicans are having dozens of debates for presidential candidates, but I don't see you there. Are you still running for president, or what?"

"I didn't get invited," he said. "The other candidates are afraid I'll make them look bad."

"But I heard that you are a flip-flopper," I said. "You would fit right in."

"I had to change political parties," he admitted. "I was running as a Plutocrat, the party of rich people, but when I went to the convention, I didn't wear the right shoes and I accidentally dropped my false teeth in the caviar dish. I also got my tuxedo tails stuck in the elevator door and it wasn't pretty. After that, the Plutocrats decided to stick with John Edwards. So I had to start my own political party. I'm an Americrat now."

"I've never heard of the Americrat Party," I said.

"I'm the only member, so far," he admitted, "but we Americrats stand for what's best for this country."

"So how would you answer those debate questions?" I asked.

"You be the narrator and let's find out," he smiled.

"Okay," I said. "How would you deal with the war in Iraq?"

"I would bring the troops home," he said. "After we win the war."

"And what is your position on Iran?"

"My position on Iran is directly overhead at about 70,000 feet. You know, B-1 bombers, locked and loaded. If the Iranians insist that they need nukes, I'd donate a few of ours, and I'd do it right away, before theirs are ready."

"What would you do about illegal immigration?" I asked.

"I've said it many times," he smiled. "I would annex Mexico and make her the fifty-first state."

"That might cause a war," I offered.

"Bummer, dude, we were invaded first."

"Are you in favor of amnesty for those illegal aliens already here?" I asked.

"Only if we grant amnesty to all other federal criminals too," he said.

"We can't do that," I insisted. "What would you do if you don't grant amnesty?"

"I'd round them up and send them back," he said.

"But you just can't send twelve-million people back across the border."

"Why not? Mexico did it."

"Do you think English should be our national language?"

"No," Spud said, "It's not fair to ask non-English speakers to learn English. To make things fair, I think we should all learn Latin."

"What would you do about global warming?"

"The only thing we can do is buy sunglasses and air-conditioning," he said. "All of this other crap is wishful thinking and expensive boogey-man political nonsense. Global warming has happened many times in the past million years and we didn't have anything to do with it."

"What do you think about legalizing gay marriage?"

"If two girls can marry each other, I don't see why two girls can't marry a guy, or two guys marry a goat, or four siblings marry a cousin. Let's make things as goofy as possible. It keeps life interesting."

"What would you do about our dependence on foreign oil?"

"I'd drill everywhere there might be gas and oil," he said. "Off-shore, lots-more, and Alaska for sure. I would re-name ANWR the Awesome North-American Wilderness oil-Repository and lay another trans-Alaskan pipeline."

"What would you do to make filling-up with gas less expensive?"

"I would mandate that Detroit put a brick in every new fuel tank," he said. "It worked for saving water, until they developed those one-gallon toilets that don't flush very well. Come to think of it, we could go to one-gallon fuel tanks in cars. That would make filling-up a lot less expensive, and people would surely cut down on long distance driving."