I'm not really sure yet if I belong here, that is to say I haven't had an official "D-Day" I'm still in the shocked disbelief and scour for clues stage. A little bit about my situation, sorry if I ramble, I haven't slept much the last few days.

I am nearly 30 and I spent 6 years with an abusive, controlling jerk, who I for some reason loved too much to leave until a year ago. It was a slow process that got me to leave, mostly it was finding myself and realizing who I was as a person rather than who I was in that relationship.

A large part of that was thanks to me starting school. I went back to school Pre-Med. I made a really good friend through school, a friend who helped me to see how strong I could be and to get the nerve to finally leave once and for all. He waited outside for me to get my stuff the day I left (though my ex ending up not letting me take anything that day) and gave me a couch to crash on until I got on my feet.

Long story short that man is now my SO, though there had been nothing to indicate an interest from either of us before I left my ex. Actually my SO was actively flirting with a few guys in school, though I knew he was Bi rather than Gay.

Fast forward to a month or so okay, right we he got a job as a medical assistant at hospital (He has years on me in the medical field and has worked as an assistant before). At first things were fine, then his hours started to change. He would say he was scheduled for a shift from 2-12 and then end coming home around 10. This happened so often that I worried about his job security, yet he assures me its not an issue. Progressively he says he is being scheduled for longer shifts, yet never seems to work the whole shift. He has started taking his phone with him everywhere even into the bathroom, which he has suddenly started locking behind. He is suddenly hypercritical of me and our communication is way down. Anytime I bring up feeling anything he gets offended like I am attacking him.

This week is when I really started to go insane, he always wakes up earlier than me on our days off, never thought anything of it. One day I get up and head to the computer as I typically do, he and I tend to share computers and will use one or the other a dozen times in the day often switching at some point. Well today I get on the computer I had been using the night before and go to type in my gmail and suddenly I have to type in the full address, the history has been deleted. I ask him about it and he gets defensive and says he hasn't been on the computer today. I raise an eyebrow but say nothing. After he leaves for work I check the history on the other computer and come to find out he had been reading MY old messages on social networking sites, he was checking up on me. I texted him about it, confronting him and he denied like a pro. I decided to let it go even though he was obviously lying. After that I tried to log into his facebook only to find out the password had suddenly changed as had his e-mail password, I didn't confront him about this though.

Next chance I got, which too a while, I snuck a peek at his phone. He has a surprising apparent like of usage on messages for as often as I see him with the thing. Though his browser is filled with porn, which bothers me as he claimed to me he hadn't been watching any.

I should probably state at this point, that he in I are in an unusual dynamic relationship. We had previously discussed the possibility of starting to look for another person to one day bring into our relationship. A few months ago I caught him chatting online with a girl from a personals site, he never mentioned to her about me and only told me about talking to her after I found out.

Obviously he is hiding things, I don't know if he is actively cheating or just looking to cheat. The lies and sneaking around have made for bad health and a lot of sleepless nights this week. To make matters worse I maybe pregnant, though the first test I took came back negative, still have a few days to go before I should take another.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013

MaybeNothing♀ 41756Member # 41756

Posted: 10:36 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013

I should add, the day after I caught him checking up on me he came home with a gaming controller for me. It was out of the blue, had not mentioned wanting one. He said it was so I could play my fav video game, a game I hadn't mentioned in months. This is a guy who doesn't buy things with out being asked to do so and a guy who has never intentionally surprised me with anything before.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013

Calli0pe♀ 41683Member # 41683

Posted: 11:44 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013

You're not losing your mind. You know he's lying to you, and he's not willing to fess up. Are you willing to live with that? It sounds like you fought hard with your decision to end your last relationship, don't settle for less than you deserve.

Me: BS, 35
Him: WS, 37
Married 5.5 years, friends for 10 before that
D-Day: Nov 29 2013
"Massage" parlors & Casual Encounters
Working on R, not sure I can live with it.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: North Texas

MaybeNothing♀ 41756Member # 41756

Posted: 11:49 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013

I don't know! I go back and forth between wanting to be gone before he gets home from his next shift and wanting to deny anything is going on.

I keep searching for answers, looking for what really is going on. Part of me thinks if I have a clear picture of what exactly he is doing that I can decide what I should do.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013

Calli0pe♀ 41683Member # 41683

Posted: 9:47 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013

Only you know your situation, but your original post used the phrase, "he was obviously lying." What you don't know is precisely what he's lying about. But you do know he's lying to you.

Me: BS, 35
Him: WS, 37
Married 5.5 years, friends for 10 before that
D-Day: Nov 29 2013
"Massage" parlors & Casual Encounters
Working on R, not sure I can live with it.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: North Texas

newnormal♀ 21925Member # 21925

Posted: 9:51 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013

Gently, if you were a friend looking in from the outside, what would you tell yourself?

(((Hugs))))

BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Dec 2008

MaybeNothing♀ 41756Member # 41756

Posted: 10:27 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013

I would tell my friend to take care of herself first. That her own mental well being is too important to risk.

I'm not at this time prepared to leave. Emotional or mentally, not to mention financially. Then there is the possibility of being pregnant that still needs to be determined.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013

Skan♀ 35812Member # 35812

Posted: 11:23 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013

Then you need to take this time to investigate, look for your proof, and get yourself checked for a pregnancy as quickly as is possible.

You also need to figure out what you want and need in a relationship. Living a poly lifestyle is impossible unless the two principal partners are absolutely transparent and honest with each other, and have iron-clad rules that bind them both to acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Right now, from what you're saying, the two of you are no where near being able to introduce another adult into your relationship. If he starts out this way, with only discussions having taken place, I think that it's a foregone conclusion that he's going to be using the poly or bi card to justify screwing anyone he wants to in the future. You will need to take a long, cold, hard look at that probability.

Hang in there and protect yourself. Come back for support when you need it!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 8001 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

painfulpast♀ 41038Member # 41038

Posted: 3:57 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013

If you won't leave, and have no proof, and he's lying about what he's doing on the computer, stay quiet and install a key logger on both computers. Get his new passwords and figure out what is going on.

He obviously isn't going to tell you on his own. If you are pregnant, and he's cheating, he could very easily give something to you and affect the baby's health.