Comments on: Is the man you’re dating a mirror of you?http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2008/06/is-the-man-youre-dating-a-mirror-of-you/
Remarried and RemodelingMon, 23 Feb 2015 18:46:03 +0000hourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=3.6.1By: VJhttp://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2008/06/is-the-man-youre-dating-a-mirror-of-you/comment-page-1/#comment-2922
VJMon, 30 Jun 2008 02:27:11 +0000http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/?p=484#comment-2922I come away with thinking a lot like Cynthia. If the vibrational ‘sympathy’ is not there, it’s just not going to work out well. At all. Even with plenty of sex thrown in for good measure.

Some people are waltzes together. Some foxtrots. Some a heady grunge mix, some a smooth jazz vibe. Whatever it is, they work together, and it fits for them, and they know it. Sometimes this works out for the long term, sometimes not. But without it, you’re just constantly working and running uphill. It’s possible to do that, but it’s tiring for all concerned. Cheers, ‘VJ’

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CynthiaFri, 27 Jun 2008 04:25:54 +0000http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/?p=484#comment-2868What a wonderful, thought-provoking post! As I look back on my past relationships, I have come to this simple analogy: I think of myself as a puzzle piece, with my own distinctive shape resulting from my thoughts and beliefs and past experiences. As with any puzzle piece, there will only be a couple of other puzzle pieces that would be a fit to my piece. My shape, energetically speaking, can only attract a vibrational match to myself… good, bad or ugly. Yes, a mirror of sorts. Therefore, all of my relationships have served as lessons for me and the only way for me to have a different type of relationship is to continue to work on myself and heal the thoughts/beliefs that do not serve me.
]]>By: VJhttp://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2008/06/is-the-man-youre-dating-a-mirror-of-you/comment-page-1/#comment-2837
VJWed, 25 Jun 2008 07:20:16 +0000http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/?p=484#comment-2837Some scientific thoughts on Mate choice…

“NICE guys knew it, now two studies have confirmed it: bad boys get the most girls. The finding may help explain why a nasty suite of antisocial personality traits known as the “dark triad” persists in the human population, despite their potentially grave cultural costs.

The traits are the self-obsession of narcissism; the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behaviour of psychopaths; and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism. At their extreme, these traits would be highly detrimental for life in traditional human societies. People with these personalities risk being shunned by others and shut out of relationships, leaving them without a mate, hungry and vulnerable to predators…”

Yeah, I’m the only one I know who regularly does cites for blogs. Go figure. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’

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mcTue, 24 Jun 2008 11:07:53 +0000http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/?p=484#comment-2817Hmmnm, I’ll have to buy her book and read it, but I think this is mostly really true.

In myself, I’ve recently realized a variation: I tend to get involved with men who are *not* AT ALL like me (and of course they end up driving me crazy)—instead, they are more similar to an imaginary image about myself that I’ve put together, something that I now realize is a way to try to subconsciously counter what I think of as my negative traits.

For example, I’ve dated a series of emotional artists and musicians. (I even married 2! Yes, how dumb, I know, I know.) Which would be fine, except that I’m actually a practical, type-A overachiever with kids and a demanding job.

Apparently, I still like to think of myself as, at heart, the same starving artist that I was 25 yrs ago. And I guess I have a problem thinking that I’ve turned into a soccer mom/yuppie (arggg!). But of course, this happened because I’ve been raising 2 kids and working at a career I enjoy, and I wouldn’t actually be happy any other way, I think.

So of course I’ve ended up irritated with the emo artists’ irresponsible (and drugged-up) lifestyles, and their inability to make plans or even to understand that I need to go to work every day. But it’s really not *their* problem–it’s mine, for thinking that I’m a different person that who I really am.

So the past year I’ve been consciously trying to date men who are *more* like me. It’s been tough, since I’m not immediately attracted to this type of man. But I’ve found that actually we have much more to talk about and I enjoy being with them much more than any of my emo musicians, and the attraction grows as I get to know them better.

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Jim EversonMon, 23 Jun 2008 23:07:10 +0000http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/?p=484#comment-2815This is a great topic. I think it is definitely worth the time and effort to ask yourself this question. As for me, a part-time single dad, my last serious relationship certainly reflected the darkest parts of myself. I’ve had some success with addressing some of those issues and here is how I did it. I found that once I took responsibility for my own behaviors that I did not like, I needed a program for changing them (rather than demanding that my partner change). I would typically find someone who had succeeded with those same issues in the past and make them my hero. Of course, it is dangerous to idealize your romantic partners, but it seems perfectly reasonable (to me at least) to idealize your heroes and people you want to emulate (at least for a while). I would then set out to emulate by their example and try to make the changes in myself. It is easier for me to learn from real world examples instead of trying to suddenly become something “I want to be.”

I suspect that is why Singlemomseeking is such a great resource for single mothers (and fathers). Rachel is such an amazing example of so many positive qualities and she is so considerate of the topics she chooses to address and challenge in herself. I consider her one of my role models and I have certainly benefited by her example.

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singlemomseekingMon, 23 Jun 2008 21:22:16 +0000http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/?p=484#comment-2814Wow, fascinating, Susan! “The other side of the coin…” Most recently, I’ve noticed that I’m attracted to men who also experience abandonment early in their lives. I need to look closely at this one.

Krystal: Yes, it’s amazing how we “choose” boyfriends.

Heidi: Let us know what you find out… I highly recommend the book.

]]>By: Andreahttp://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2008/06/is-the-man-youre-dating-a-mirror-of-you/comment-page-1/#comment-2813
AndreaMon, 23 Jun 2008 18:39:13 +0000http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/?p=484#comment-2813I couldn’t agree more. We end up drawing people into our lives who reflect where we are.
]]>By: Heidihttp://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2008/06/is-the-man-youre-dating-a-mirror-of-you/comment-page-1/#comment-2812
HeidiMon, 23 Jun 2008 17:14:34 +0000http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/?p=484#comment-2812This is definitely food for thought. I’d like to think that my relationship with my ex doesn’t mirror me at all, but I’m sure there are ways that it does.

I am eager to read this book!

]]>By: Krystalhttp://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2008/06/is-the-man-youre-dating-a-mirror-of-you/comment-page-1/#comment-2811
KrystalMon, 23 Jun 2008 17:13:08 +0000http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/?p=484#comment-2811Nice & interesting post, I can certainly relate as well. I’ve dated guy after guy, who I would claim had commitment issues, abandonment issues, jealousy issues… until I realized I picked these men up so I could focus on their issues which turned out to be the exact ones I had.
]]>By: Susanhttp://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2008/06/is-the-man-youre-dating-a-mirror-of-you/comment-page-1/#comment-2810
SusanMon, 23 Jun 2008 16:29:50 +0000http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/?p=484#comment-2810The person I dated earlier this year struggled with balance. He had so many people and pressures pulling on him; he couldn’t focus on anything, and it was clear he needed to drop some things from his life to achieve any semblance of balance. I didn’t think I had the same problem, but it turns out I did…the other side of the same coin. When we were together, I was SO focused on him and his issues that I dropped practically everything else in my life. One person not dropping enough, one dropping too much. Not so balanced, eh?

It wasn’t really clear to me, though, until we had been apart for about a month. I’m making progress on my end and I hope he is, too.