Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Welcome back for another picture book query critique! The deal here is that if you want to have your query letter for your picture book looked at, you can email it to me (link over there in the right-hand sidebar) and I'll post it on my blog with my feedback, and invite other blog readers to give their feedback as well. Most people are pretty fazed by the prospect of having to write a query letter, but I kind of like them. (Weird, I know.) And I wanted to give back, so here we are.

This week's query comes from Heather Cyr, who has done a fantastic job to start with. I don't have much to say, but my feedback in red will follow her query. Check it out:

Dear
Ms. Editor:

Logan
is the youngest in a long line of Maine lobstermen; however, he’s a lousy lobsterman.
His traps are always empty or filled with odd things. That is, until he makes
the biggest catch of the season, finding more than he could ever anticipate. At
last, he is able to explore his true talent: transforming trash into art. Like
Patricia Polacco’s The Junkyard Wonders,
LOGAN THE LOUSY LOBSTERMAN is a children’s picture book that celebrates a young
child’s passion and potential.

Born
and raised in Maine, I spent summers in Ogunquit where I heard Logan’s initial
story. In addition to hauling in stories from my past, I’m an active member of
SCBWI, a frequent student in workshops on writing children’s picture books, and
a participant in two picture book critique groups.

Logan
finds his way and learns to follow his heart. Similarly, I hope that by sharing
my manuscript with your “Maine Made” publication house, it finds a perfect fit.
Per your submission guidelines, I have enclosed my 840-word manuscript as well
as a brief bio. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

See what I mean? This query is already pretty solid. I do have a few comments, though, so here's my redline within the body of the query:

Dear
Ms. Editor:

Logan
is the youngest in a long line of Maine lobstermen; however, he’s a lousy lobsterman. Great hook! Poor guy - I feel for him. His traps are always empty or filled with odd things. That is, until he makes
the biggest catch of the season, finding more than he could ever anticipate. At
last, he is able to explore his true talent: transforming trash into art. Like
Patricia Polacco’s The Junkyard Wonders,
LOGAN THE LOUSY LOBSTERMAN is a children’s picture book that celebrates a young
child’s passion and potential.

The section I put in bold has some vague references in it: "the biggest catch" and "more than he could ever anticipate" don't really tell us anything about what he actually finds. Additionally, I'm wondering why he didn't try making art out of all the trash before, since he's always been catching trash. What's different about this catch that inspires him? At the same time, I can understand not wanting to give too much away here, since there should still be an element of surprise when the editor actually reads your pages.

I'd recommend changing it to something more along the lines of, "Until he finally catches something so big that it inspires him to explore his true talent." That's not great, but you get what I mean - something shorter that will still deliver the essence without the vagueness.

Also: Patricia Polacco is a pretty big name, and while I don't object to comparing your book to hers if it really is similar, it's a good idea to include an additional book by a lesser-known author. An editor might worry that you have unrealistic expectations for your book if your only comparison is to a big-name author.

Born
and raised in Maine, I spent summers in Ogunquit where I heard Logan’s initial
story. Is this based on a real-life story? Is it a modern-day fable that is local to Maine? You should include this information somewhere in your query, preferably the first time you mention the title. In addition to hauling in stories Nice reference to the subject matter here - you have a good sense of wordplay throughout this query. from my past, I’m an active member of
SCBWI, a frequent student in workshops on writing children’s picture books, and
a participant in two picture book critique groups.

Logan
finds his way and learns to follow his heart.I'm not sure about this part - it doesn't quite seem to work with your next sentence. What about, "Logan follows his heart and finds a perfect fit in the art world." or something? Similarly, I hope that by sharing
my manuscript with your “Maine Made” publication house, it finds a perfect fit.
Per your submission guidelines, I have enclosed my 840-word manuscript as well
as a brief bio. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

That's it for my feedback - overall, as I said, this was a really solid query. It didn't quite follow my formula, but it still covers all the bases, which I like. With a little polishing, this query will really stand out.

Agree? Disagree? Tell Heather what you think in the comments. And join me in wishing her the very best of luck!

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