The Truth Network

Guest Humor

1.
A little boy, sitting in his grandfather’s lap, asks his grandfather:

–
Grandfather, were you with Noah aboard a ship?

“Of
course not,” said the grandfather, smiling.

“Why
didn’t you drown then?”

2.
The priest repairs the stool in his garden. Suddenly, he discovers that a
company of neighboring boys is surreptitiously watching his company.

–
What are you, my children, want to learn how to hammer in nails? – asks the
priest.

“No,”
says one of the boys, “we want to hear what the priest says when he hits
himself on the finger with a hammer.”

3.
To win the attention of the listeners, the pastor began the sermon with the
following words: “Yesterday I was with one woman who hugged me, kissed me
and called me gently, but this was not my wife …”

After
some silence, he continued: it was my mother.

Having
seen what effect such an introduction had on those present, the young preacher
decided to use this method. The following Sunday, he came to his church and began
to preach: “Yesterday I was at the same woman who hugged me, kissed me and
called me gently, but this was not my wife …”

Then
he realized that he had forgotten the pastor’s sermon and, after some silence,
added embarrassedly: “But I don’t remember who she was.”

(the
moral is: you have to be an eagle, not a parrot).

4.
Christian happens to be in a paradise. The angel meets him, accompanies him to
beautiful places and shows where that is.

“Here we have the Baptists, here the Charismatics, here the Pentecostals, here …”

Here
the Christian sees an enclosed space from which one can hear the chants.

“And
who is there?” The Christian cries in surprise.

“Shh!
There (the name of the denomination, you can enter your own), but they think
that they are alone here. “

5.
The boy at the confession. The priest asks him: “But didn’t you have to
pick money out of the church piggy bank with a knife.”

“No,
but the idea is good.”

There
was a rabbi, and he loved to play golf. And somehow, on Saturday I could not
stand it and went to play, although it was forbidden. An angel from heaven saw
this and drew the attention of God to this circumstance.

God
says, “Now we will punish.”

The
rabbi hits the ball and hits the hole with one punch. Angel puzzled exclaims:
“And this is called a punishment?”.

“Well,
yes, to whom he will now tell about it!”

7.
Father is alcohol the enemy of health? “.

“Of
course, the enemy.”

“And
why do you use it?»

“And
as it says in the scripture:” Love your enemy. “

8.
On the street of an Italian town, a monk is watching a person who cannot start
a motorcycle. The person is angry and swears: “What the hell! Damn him!
Thousand devils!”.

The
monk comes closer and speaks reproachfully: “And instead of swearing, you would
say: “God help me! ”.

The
guy says, “God help me!”, Starts the bike and drives off.

“What
the hell is this!” Exclaims the monk.

9.
The little boy was in the church, built in honor of the fallen soldiers. On the
walls of the church are many bas-reliefs in memory of the soldiers. The kid
asks the priest: “What is there?”

“Well,
my son, this is in memory of those who died in the service.”

The
boy looks apprehensively at his holy father: “On the morning or in the
evening?”

14.
One Jew had a stupid son. And nothing could change it. His father had already
given him to study for a rabbi, and even to an Islamic mosque. No sense. Just
as a son was a fool, he remained so. Desperate, his father gave him a novice to
a monastery. And after a while, she comes to visit her son. However, I won’t
find out my son: either he will correct the candle, then he will wipe the dust
off with a cloth, and everything runs around, let him fuss.

“A
son! What happened? Why have you changed so much? ”

The
son leads his father to the crucifixion and says: “As you brought me here, I
immediately understood: here you are not joking with the Jews.”

15.
Mom washes the dishes in the kitchen and wonders why it is so quiet in the
nursery. He approaches, looks in and sees that the children are playing
worship. Satisfied, she returns to the kitchen and continues to wash the
dishes. But a few minutes later a loud noise starts to come from the nursery –
a quarrel, a scream. Surprised mom asks: “Children, what happened? You have the
same service. ” To which the children replied: “No, the service has
already ended, now we have a membership meeting.”

16.
Having fallen asleep at the sermon, do not glance, for having risen your eyes
you can wake your neighbor.

17.
The pastor was going to attend a Sunday school. Children prepared accordingly.
He comes to the lesson and says: “Children, I want to give you a riddle: the
redhead, with a fluffy tail, gnaws all the nuts. Who is this? ”Everyone is
silent, and no one raises his hand to answer. The pastor tries to help:
“Come on, children, she is still jumping high on the trees!” Everyone
is silent. However, one boy gets up and says: “Pastor, I understand that
the correct answer is Jesus, but it looks like a squirrel.”

18.
They talk to a rabbi and an Orthodox priest. Holy Father: “But yesterday I
dreamed that I was in a Jewish paradise. Stench, dirt, crush.

“And
I dreamed that I was in an Orthodox paradise. Silence, peace. And not a soul.
“

19.
A traffic cop stops the priest: “Holy Father, did you drink
something?”

“Only
water.”

“And
in my opinion, you smell of wine.”

“Lord,
you did it again!”

20.
The pastor walks down the street and passes by a handful of boys who crowded
around a puppy. “Are you torturing a dog?” Asked the pastor.

“No,
uncle, we just found a puppy, and everyone wants to take him for himself. We
decided to arrange a competition: whoever lies the best, will take the puppy. ”

“Ah
ah ah! Shame on you! Lying is a sin. When I was little, I never lied. ”

The
boys fell silent, exchanged glances, and then one of them took the puppy in his
arms and said: “Take the puppy, pastor, you won.”

22.
Three saints lie in Heaven under a paradise apple tree. Suddenly, out of
nowhere, a man appears, rushes at the apple tree and begins to devour one apple
after another with greed. Wonderingly, the saints ask him: “Where are you in a
hurry? You have the whole eternity ahead! “This is your eternity,” he answers,
“and now they will take me to intensive care again!”

About the
author

Melisa Marzett likes to laugh at some good jokes as much as she loves writing. Currently, she writes for http://star-writers.com/ and travels along, which makes it to where she can get inspiration, gain experience and enjoy life.