Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Here's Your Sign

Back in January, we had some tough decisions to make regarding our court cases. I struggled with the decision all day, not knowing if I was doing the right thing.

I left work that day, still not convinced. As I drove home, I talked to Jessica and Kelli, trying to explain to them, and to myself, that although it wasn’t the ideal outcome, it was accomplishing the majority of what we wanted to see happen. I argued both sides, trying to look at it from all the angles. Whether I was trying to convince them or myself, I’m not sure.

I remember saying that I wished there was some way I could know if this was the right path.
Traffic wasn’t bad that day, but as I drove alongside other cars, I stopped talking out loud. I didn’t want people to think I’m crazy. I do the same thing when I sing in the car, I stop when I get into traffic. Which sucks sometimes because it’s usually a really good song.

As I passed a maroon Grand Prix, I noticed the license plate said GOD SNT. My first thought was “Jesus drives a Grand Prix?” Then it hit me – GOD SENT.

Later, as I got off at my exit, I stopped behind a car. The license plate said BLSSD.
As I drove on home, I said, okay God, I’m giving You this problem. I trust You and I know You’ll do the right thing.

And what do you know, things wound up being not quite as bad as they seemed that day.

Now we are a week away from the civil hearing and I’m again facing a hard road. I have to tell the court who they were, not just through pictures but through my stories and descriptions. I don’t want to let them down, because this is my only shot.

Yesterday was a hard day for me, because once again all my decisions and plans had to revolve around the delay-ridden justice system. I was feeling crabby and selfish, because I can’t even plan my birthday due to the “what-ifs” that I’ve got to deal with this week.

Again, as I drove home, I talked to Jessica and Kelli. I remembered the surprise birthday party that they planned for me one year. I remembered the handmade cards on notebook paper with crayon birthday cakes.

I flipped around through the radio stations and We Are Family came on. When they sang the line of “have faith in you and the things you do, you won’t go wrong,” I started to cry.

You see, my attorney is putting together a video montage to play for the court. One of the songs
I suggested be used was We Are Family. We used to dance around the kitchen to it, and Jessica, Kelli and Maddy would drape their arms around each other’s shoulders and sing “I got all my sisters with me.” We joked about their weddings and how they would have all their sisters with them. It has been our closing song at the fundraisers, and last year we played it twice, because once isn’t enough.

After it ended, the next song was crap (which usually happens). I flipped to another radio station and damned if We Are Family didn’t start playing again. As the opening bars played, I looked through my open sunroof up at the blue sunny sky and said “are you trying to tell me something?” This time, I sang it. In traffic. To hell with people thinking I was crazy.

And when I sang “have faith in you and the things you do, you won’t go wrong,” I meant it. I have faith in God and I have faith in me. I have faith in my friends and family that are helping me get through this. I have faith that the justice system will not fail us.

I said, “okay, we can do this.”

And as I was driving along, feeling a little better, I remembered the Grand Prix and smiled. And in about the same place on the highway, I passed a red Jeep with a license plate that said NO RGTS.

8 comments:

The story about dancing to We Are Family in the kitchen is one you should consider telling in the hearing as part of who they were. I have tears in my eyes thinking of what fun they were when they were still here. What a beautiful family you have. What a beautiful memory.