An (ex) smoker's diary of what it's really like to quit.

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Day 14: Milestone (not smoking)

So, I don’t actually know if day 14 is a non-smoking milestone, but it seems like it should be. Anyway, I have made it. Again, I say, this is the longest I have gone without a smoke in 14 years, so I am pretty happy about it. Strange though, a little of the “I’m not smoking” euphoria has worn off – the exuberant feeling I would get every now and then during the first week when I would come across the realization that I *still* hadn’t broken down and smoked a cigarette.

However, I am much calmer and the nic fits have dialed back to conversation tone versus total screaming, so that’s good.

This is a process. And, for the first time in a long time, I am alright with that now. I am a person that thrives on the ‘right now’…an immediate gratification type. I want to buy it right now. I want to have things come to fruition right now. Anything but waiting. I hate saving money to buy something, sitting in even the smallest amount of traffic, waiting for the doors to open on the subway. I want things to just happen.

This not smoking thing I am doing is teaching me a little patience I think. A much needed dose of it, if I am being honest with myself. The past two weeks have offered up significant realizations about myself as well as small, but important changes in my overall behavior. I don’t risk the purchase I can barely afford right now. Being stuck at a light is simply being stuck at a light. Not torture. I am slowly grasping that everything is a process and that it is ok to partake in that process. I am not saying that I have suddenly become zen, but there is something changing a little in my brain that seems to make everything a little calmer and more ‘cope-able’.

Perhaps this is just the result of doing something I swore I could never do. Maybe it really is a change in the way I am thinking. I’m not really sure if it is even real or if I am just trying to latch on to the positive to make it through this. Whatever the case, I can honestly admit that I couldn’t do this without the gum and the occasional words of support from people I know.

I still feel a little weird about using nicotine to beat nicotine, but as my wonderful aunt said, it doesn’t matter. As long as you aren’t smoking for today, then do what you need to do to get through it. I think that is important.

So, as this milestone day comes to a close, I say again that, for today and perhaps tomorrow: N.O.P.E.

I want ‘the feeling’ to go away, but I really don’t want to smoke to make it go away. I am still tired alot, but no cough. Not one little cough. And, I took a really deep breathe today. So weird!!! But very refreshing.

I am watching a lot of movies and TV shows. I am a little lazier this week than the first week. But, I see that as a good thing as I am not requiring being busy to survive. Hope I don’t settle too far back into my laziness however. That’s the next fight.

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2 comments

Jim

Hi Kate,

I just stumbled accross your blog. I have quit for two weeks today and though what you wrote was some time ago it was very helpful. How are you getting on now? Still a non-smoker? What I have found difficult is not being able to see myself as a non-smoker in the future. I have always enjoyed a ciggarette when I drink and that is when I smoked the most. I have not avoided alcohol and with the patches and gum have found the cravings pass and I’m now using less gum. I have a baby on the way and this is my reason for wanting to stop. So true what you said about taking a deep breath, took me by surprise the first time.

Good for you. So proud of your accomplishment. I too am on day 14 with the patch. It is getting better and better every day. We must only take one day at a time until we are free from this awful habit. So good to not go to the store every other day to buy more and not to worry if I forgot my ciggs when I go somewhere. We will kick this terrible habit ONE DAY AT A TIME. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.