Thats Shoe Biz: Paging Imelda
Marcos, paging Imelda Marcos. Please pick up the white
courtesy phone. A Los Angeles shoe designer named Stuart
Weitzman is looking for someone to wear his latest
creation: a pair of sandals worth $1 million. Made from
spun platinum and studded with diamonds, the shoes are
scheduled to appear at the Academy Awards on the feet of
an as-yet-unnamed celebrity. Wed volunteer
ourselves, but we gave up wearing million-dollar shoes
for Lent. Plus, Weitzman insists on having the footwear
tailed by a platoon of bodyguards to make sure the shoes
get returned at the end of the evening.

Alarming Trends Bureau: The decline of
Western civilization continues:

-- Ore-Ida plans to sell blue french fries starting in
May.
-- A San Diego coroners office employee who
moonlights as a hip-hop singer is recording a CD under
the stage name D-Kompose.

Yo, Cottontail: A shopping center in
Temecula, Calif., is advertising an appearance by
the greatest hip-hop artist of all time.
Is it Lauryn Hill? Dr. Dre? D-Kompose? No, none of the
above. Its the Easter Bunny.

Eating Your Words: As Cheerios sees it,
kids who eat a healthy breakfast and learn to read at an
early age do much better in school. Therefore, in a
purely altruistic move that has nothing to do with
boosting cereal sales, Cheerios has begun offering
classic childrens books to anyone who sends in two
proofs of purchase and $1.25. Nice try, but very
inefficient. Its better to have books that ARE
breakfast.

Introducing the third annual International Edible Book
Festival, in which artists turn food into text. It
happens every April 1 in locales around the globe.
Participants display books made from waffles, melted
gummy bears, lettuce and other foods, then eat them.

In related news, the Army is reportedly working on an
edible tracking device for soldiers. Rations would be
spiked with harmless biomarkers
that could be detected by satellite, thus reducing
friendly fire against American
troops.

Mark Your Calendars: St. Patricks
Day shouldnt get all the glory. March is also
National Mower Tune-Up Month, National Ethics Awareness
Month (Enron is throwing a big party), National Kidney
Month, the 90th birthday of Oreo cookies and National
Frozen Foods Month. In honor of the last one, Wineanswers.com
has published a guide to which wines go best with various
frozen food entrees. For example, pinot gris is the
perfect complement to frozen creamed chipped beef, while
chardonnay works well with macaroni and cheese. But no
word on which wine should be served with an edible book.

Weird Polls Bureau: One in four men say
they pick up a dust cloth only when the dust on the TV
screen obscures their view, according to a survey by
Swiffer.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
Its getting hard to choose just one. So well
let you decide. Here are the nominees, all from the
Weekly World News: