April 1st, 2018, CNN* — The Institute for the Promotion of Cloning (IPC), a medical/pharmaceutical lobbying group, has issued a report calling for an emergency response to a crisis of what it calls “Age Deficiency Syndrome” or ADS. According to the IPC, there are an estimated 1.9 billion ADS victims worldwide. The IPC defines ADS victims as anyone who is 5 or more years developmentally or chronologically retarded compared to a 20-year-old adult.

This crisis, according to IPC spokesperson H.V. Nomorkids, has long been hidden with euphemisms like “infancy” or “childhood.” In fact, he says, “An extreme ADS sufferer can be 18 years developmentally and mentally retarded compared to a 20-year-old, and yet this extreme suffering is brushed off by labeling such a victim as a ‘two-year-old,’” he says.

Citing the IPC study, he claims this leads to incredible suffering that has long been ignored and dismissed with misleading labels like “growing pains.” “This so-called two-year-old is really the victim of an 18-year case of ADS who will be forced to go through years of suffering and torment before the natural immune system finally copes with it through so-called “natural growth.”

Dr. Rex Clonem of the IPC claims his Institute has come up with a system to cure ADS worldwide. “Our plan is to take skin grafts from all ADS sufferers and use them to create fully adult clones,” he says. “Once the adult replacement clones are awakened, the ADS sufferers can be put out of their misery through medical euthanasia,” he says. In addition, he says the worldwide shortage of transplant organs could be alleviated overnight by harvesting the organs of the euthanized ADS victims.

There would be many social advantages to this system, according to the IPC report. “For one thing, traditional child-rearing practices result in the inefficient transmission of archaic cultural traditions like ‘religion,’ ‘morals,’ and ‘individual personality,’” the report claims. “Adult clones can be created free of these flaws and fully indoctrinated with the ruling secret government ideology of technocratic materialism,” the report continues.

The report also says that mild ADS sufferers, “16-19-year-olds,” could be treated with age-enhancing drugs to relieve the residual symptoms.

“This is the most outrageous thing I have ever heard,” says I.M. Mature of the Peter Pan Institute for Eternal Youth. “These people just want to make money building cloning facilities and selling aging drugs by labeling “childhood” as a disease, when in reality it is a time of carefree innocence,” he says.

Reverend R. Epent of the Pan-Theological Institute for the Promotion of Religious Guilt, for his part, claims that “The Creator makes us suffer through childhood and infancy as punishment for the sins of our past and future lives, and so it would be an abomination for humanity to try to end this suffering.”

“This is a typical Western medical approach to a problem that is best dealt with through natural cures like strong doses of opiates or naturally sourced arsenic,” says Dr. P. Oysonem of the Institute for Dealing with Youth in Asia.

In any case, the IPC admits it will probably take years of lobbying before their recommendations will be put into action.

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lol… are you sure Ben didn’t get this from “The Onion”? Sounds like satyr to me! Just to be sure, I looked up “Institute for the Promotion of Cloning” and “Peter Pan Institute for Eternal Youth”. They don’t exist. Is he testing people to see how gullible they are? This may be satyr but I wouldn’t give anyone any ideas…