Archive for Jake Gyllenhaal

Spring has arrived, y’all! We survived winter, and things are warming up. And with spring comes new beginnings, which is our topic today… Hold on tight, because we’re leaving this planet. First things first though. Welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral. I am your caretaker, Dvo, and over the weekend I saw the recently-released sci-fi/horror flick Life. Full disclosure, I wasn’t sure what to expect here. The preview (for once) didn’t give away a whole lot, and I went in expecting more of a thriller than a horror movie. But imagine my reaction when things started getting creepy! Nothing more soothing than some blood and guts, am I right? Let’s get into this.

Life is a story about the astronauts aboard the ISS (International Space Station, but if you didn’t know that, deduct one point from your hp) who are on a mission to retrieve a cargo capsule that departed from Mars, carrying some items from the Red Planet. As I’m sure you’ve guessed, they do recover this capsule, and on it, they find a few things. One of which, is intriguing to say the least. A specimen that seems to have a cellular structure, and has flagella, of sorts. In other words… possibly life beyond earth. But a funny thing happens after some experiments… the creature appears to be reacting to some stimuli. Only one thing to do now, right? MORE EXPERIMENTS. What could go wrong? 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

Life is directed by Daniel Espinosa, who’s relatively new to the game in terms of directing. This appears to be his first movie in the horror genre, and it’s a pretty strong debut! I think Event Horizon and obviously the Alien saga (read: NOT Jason X) are the golden standards for outer space horror, but this flick definitely holds its own. It’s got its scares, certainly some gore, and it’s an intense ride from start to finish.

Put on your space suits in, Blasting Off for A Closer Look in 3…. 2…. 1….

Villain: An alien creature from Mars

How do I Stop It?: Hell if I know! Pray to God that you aren’t ever confronted with one of these bad boys. My best recommendation is to cancel those plans for that Mars all-inclusive vacation you were planning.

Lessons Learned: A whole bunch. Let me start with a question though… Do we really need to find life beyond Earth? I don’t want to get super meta here, but what’s wrong with good ol’ humanity? I think all of you are perfect. In fact, I think yo BRAIN is a shooting star. With that said.. if we ever DO find an alien, the last thing I want to do is try to PISS THE HELL OUT OF IT. Scientists are just dumb. FO REAL. Next lesson. If you’re going to quarantine a room, make damn sure the room is actually quarantined. Basic stuff here, kids. There’s one more big lesson, but I’d be ruining the movie if I said it. Let’s just agree that they messed up a whole bunch of times. #YaBlewIt

Who Do I Watch With?: This is a pretty intense movie. Not for the faint of heart. So maybe put the kids to bed, and invite your bravest friend over. And tell him to bring a pizza. Preferably one with pineapple. #TeamPineapple.

Movie Trivia: Nothing too great here… but here’s what I’ve got. Ryan Reynolds was supposed to play the lead in this film, but due to scheduling conflicts with another film, he instead took a supporting role. Also, this is Skydance’s first R-rated film.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 9/10. This thing is pretty bad ass, as far as badass aliens go. In the spirit of not spoiling things, I won’t go into details. But know that Calvin is not to be messed with.

Scare Factor: 6/10. I think overall this movie is more “intense” than it is “scary,” but don’t think that this is light, good-humored fun. This is an edge-of-your-seat kind of movie that is gripping the whole way.

Gore Rating: 4/5. Very Bloody Machete!

Goriest movie I’ve seen in a while! There were a few moments in Life that really made me cringe, and at one point I even made an audible sound of disgust. Not for the faint of heart. This is pretty grotesque in some parts, but in a very good way.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Martians

LOOK HOW SCARY IT IS. I told you we shouldn’t mess with these things, whatever they are. All Matt Damon jokes aside, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. I did kind of see the ending coming, but it was still really solid nonetheless. Apparently there’s a fan theory that this movie might be a prequel to an upcoming film, so we’ll see how that pans out. But either way, Life delivers the intensity, and is worth the ticket price to check it out in theaters.

That’s going to wrap up this review, but a few quick notes before I depart. First, I normally don’t plug other things on here (but I’m not opposed, so let me know if you’re interested in 40-ish people getting a blog plug, haha), but a friend of mine turned me on to a pretty hilarious podcast lately, and I definitely recommend it if you’re into paranormal/conspiracy theories kinds of topics. Or even if you just want to laugh at it, because it’s great. It’s called “The Unbelievable Podcast,” and can be found with a simple Google search. Check it out, and learn to unlearn everything you know! Anyway.. hopefully I’ll be back again soon with more scares. Keep the requests coming!