The night I made Paris yawn…

Hey Blog Guy, I read in a gossip column that you went on a date with Paris Hilton! Come on, spill!

Well, it wasn’t a real date. I won a chance to go for drinks with her, and it turned out pretty crazy. We had tumblers of Crème de menthe on the rocks, and bowls of free potato chips. It was hard keeping up with her!

I told her all about how to get good room upgrades at Hilton hotels, and how to hook up her DVD player to get free HBO, and stuff like that. She kept yawning, so I knew she was fascinated.

But then it got just plain weird. Without warning, Paris reached over with both hands and pulled off a rubber mask to reveal… well, actually I signed a pre-date document saying I wouldn’t discuss anything that happened. So let’s just leave it at this: I have an amazing anecdote that I’m allowed to use five years after “her” death.

Heiress Paris Hilton appears on the German TV show “Wetten dass…?” in Erfurt, Germany, March 29, 2008. REUTERS/Jens Meyer/Pool

I really don’t understand why Paris is in the news? What exactly does she do or has done beside be put in jail? She has a lot of money. So what.
She has no talent, she’s not very pretty, she has no real words of wisdom to express, she hasn’t made any contribution towards anything at all. I mean, she’s like this thing that just wears the top-of-the-line latest fashion, shows up to social events and doesn’t really say anything interesting at all.
Kind of like a living mannequin.

Wetten Dass is a game show where contestants bet they can do outlandish things. For some reason, they often have celebrities on the guest couch watching.

But Paris missed her chance. This episode is more up her line: the contestant guessed he could ‘name that tune’ by watching two buff men in tight T-shirts flex their pectoral muscles to music. Unfortunately, their celebrity of the day was Rod Stewart, who (at about 3:30) seems less than wholly impressed.