11/11/2017 is Singles Day, the day you can show the world that you are proud to be the one and only ruler over your king-sized bed. All day, every day.

Singles’ day originates from China, when in the 1990’s a bunch of single students came together to celebrate their singleness on 11.11. Because of all the ones, get it? (Although that date would also suit a holiday for people with a quadruple polyamorous relationship.) They came up with Singles’ Day so you have a day to enjoy that you are single, because you deserve it. Being single can be a serious pain in the ass since people will come up to you saying stuff like:

“Being lonely sounds pretty boring.”

“A colleague of mine is single as well, do you want me to set you up?”

“I think you are just too picky you know.”

“The plumber of the sister of the pastor of my gynaecologists Labradoodle is single as well, do you want me to set you up?”

As you can understand: this means war. And today is the day that single people can take revenge, finally. So to get you started, we came up with some things to say to people who are in a “happy” relationship:

“So tell me, is it hard to find a movie on Netflix that both of you actually like?”

“I can imagine it has to be awesome, sex with the same person, year after year after year after year. Like, for all eternity. Year after year after year…”

“Do you know that feeling you get when you wake up on a Saturday morning and you realize that you can do whateveryou want for the entiiiire weekend? You don’t? Ooh, I am so sorry! *cough* not sorry *cough*.”

Year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year..”

But the fact that you are a proud bachelor doesn’t necessarily mean that you aren’t open to a relationship. Singles’ Day can also be about meeting your significant other, if you want to. In China for example, singles can sign up for blind dates on Singles’ Day.

And we don’t want to push you or anything, but we have got some extra motivation to go out there and give up the single life: when you order the limited edition Plenny Shake Pumpkin Spice (use code: singlesday), we will add two bags of Plenny Shake Wake-up. You know, for when you have to make breakfast for two someday. But hey, don’t feel obliged. We get it if you want to stay in bed all day, just enjoying your own, unshared bed to the max