Whoops! For the first time in the short history of SlutLyfe, I went two days without posting! The school year just started and I have already had to read 300 pages of the Iliad, but at least I’m back in J’s arms being spoiled! ^.^

Day 5 – Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?

I have had quite a history of self-injury and suicidal thoughts, but I don’t think any of it was related to my sexuality. I was in the closet for approximately six hours, and everyone around me has been very supportive.

There have been times where I have been in a relationship with a man that I cared about deeply and also had undeniable suspicions that I am entirely homosexual, which created some despair, guilt, and/or self-injury as I wondered if I should stay with them and risk never understanding this aspect of myself, or leave them for an abstract concept and forsake all that love. This is no longer a problem, since J is helping me explore all aspects of my sexuality with our female partner, E. 🙂

If any of you, my dearest readers, are feeling depressed and/or suicidal, remember you can always open up to me. I’m not a professional and I can’t always help, but I can almost guarantee that I will understand what you’re going through. Just use the Contact Me form if you’re uncomfortable with leaving me a comment.

I was talking to an internet friend on AIM after the shift during which I met the Alexa Vega girl, and as I was telling her about it I realized that I definitely liked women. So she heard all my thoughts at the very moment that I realized I was bisexual. I think she said, “duh.”

That night, I had a sleepover with my lesbian friend and came out to her. I ran up to her room while she was hanging out with another friend, plopped down my backpack, and said, “Guess what? I figured out I’m gay.” I knew that she was attracted to me but I was never attracted to her, and so sleeping in the same bed together that night wasn’t as good of an introduction to women as it could have been. But having all that immediate support made a big difference in my confidence in coming out to others.

I told my boyfriend-at-the-time, who I had been dating for only a short while, and he said he already knew. That is how obvious it was to everyone but me.

I was fifteen, I think, or thereabouts. I worked at my town’s public library at the time, and while I was behind the desk the most beautiful girl came up to me to ask for a book. She was graceful and classy and looked like Alexa Vega. I literally could not talk to her. She rendered me entirely unable to speak English. That is how I should have known.

*Note: Since most of these questions are geared towards LGB people (despite being advertised as for T as well), I shall be answering them as such except in a few exceptions. My gender things are already so well documented here that it would be redundant to answer these questions from that point of view as well.

Day 2 – Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality?

Everyone around me knew I liked women before I did. When I was in the fifth grade, I mentioned at the dinner table a classmate that I said I “idolized” and my parents exchanged knowing glances. All through high school, I had to repeatedly explain to people that I was straight, despite having almost exclusively homosexual friends and being an active member of the school’s Gay/Straight Alliance. Gender-wise, I have told people all along that I wanted to be a boy.

Being straight and cisgender was tiring. I’m glad I caught up with everyone else’s understanding of my sexuality. 😉

I am pansexual, though I will describe myself as bisexual to laypeople who require more shorthand. I am physically attracted to women almost exclusively, although most of my sexual relationships have been with men.

I prefer the term pansexual over bisexual now, after realizing that I am also very attracted to trans and/or intersex people. To me, it’s different than being “gender-blind” though some people describe it as such. If someone else is attracted to “people and not bodies” then cool, they are a saint. I am a human, and I am therefore at least a little shallow– I am attracted to people who are attractive. But my definition of what is attractive is a lot broader than most peoples’, and includes among other things people who like to read and people who cross-dress and people who are too skinny– but no variety of genitals or gender identity is a deal-breaker.

I also think of myself as gender variant, which I am still exploring despite having written about it in-depth elsewhere. I am not planning on surgery, or name change, or what have ye, but I do feel masculine or neutral at least as much as I feel female and I like to be related to as such.

I’ve made it to the finish line! I’ve enjoyed this month a lot, because I love psychoanalyzing & talking about myself. I don’t think I discovered anything new about myself, but I was forced to verbalize a lot of amorphous thoughts floating around in my head. And it sparked a lot of fascinating conversation. And it was a great way to help readers understand who I am and where I’m coming from. Overall, it’s been enlightening.

If you’d like to see my answers for each day, click the links below. Also, if you decide to answer for yourself, drop me a link! I think it’s fascinating to read other people’s perspectives and compare. 🙂 Continue reading →

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

I think titles are great. The sudden switch from being called “Honey Lover Baby Dearest” to “You Filthy Slut” reinforces your role, helps you get into the right headspace, and provides knowledge of what is part of a scene and what is not. It is also an interesting study in the nuances of dominant and submissive roles.

I am Master’s Puppy. Specifically, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. He gave me the nickname early in our relationship, when he came home from work and I bounded across the room to tackle him in greeting, like an over-enthusiastic puppy. He brought it up in sex play once, and I was hooked– though I fantasized about pony play relatively often, I had never thought about puppy play. Eventually, I told him I wanted to be his puppy all the time. Being a puppy causes my submissive identity to be cute and playful and mischievous. If he called me “slut” all the time, I’m sure I would act differently in-scene.

This is what I really look like.

J’s title is Sir or Master, but I avoid calling him by it. I feel awkward saying it, like I’m the hypnotized version of Jasmine. Maybe it’s also because I prefer non-consent anyway, so submitting to a Master is less of a turn-on when I admit what I’m doing.

Visibly, my day wasn’t that cool. After falling asleep at 6 am after writing my parents a coming out letter, I woke up, stayed in my PJ’s, and did laundry in between sitting around on Facebook. Oh, I ate a bagel. Fun times.

But yes, I did come out to my parents. That’s a rather big deal. I left them a note that it would be redundant to post if you’ve read anything I’ve written here. My autistic little brother said he was “shocked,” which was cute. I don’t really care what he thinks, honestly. My mom is confused but supportive, and she’s actively helping me pick out a haircut. I want something pixie-ish, still feminine and pretty but also short. More updates on that later. My dad told me he didn’t want the inherent “weirdness” of my new “theatrical show” to “lose me my friends.” Ouch. Deep ouch Unfortunately, I couldn’t really counter it because I started crying (I cry so goddamn much!) and that impedes communication. But I think that they’ll see that I’m dressing the same, and looking the same, and acting the same as before, but with a little more honesty. That was my theatrical show. This is me without the mask.

I mentioned coming out to them in my Facebook status. Most people assumed I meant as bisexual, and gave their congratulations and support. I don’t know if I’m ready to advertise the queer thing yet, so I just let them think whatever they wanted to think. But my cousin M asked what I was coming out as, and I told him. His reply was “Oh, me too.” What?!

So between folding my mountains of college laundry, I was exploring these topics with M. He and I have always been the black sheep in our redneck family: the atheists, the intellectuals, and apparently the queers. He recently married a beautiful girl, and unfortunately doesn’t know anyone else trans though he has been struggling with it for years. We talked for hours about this and that, about his future first womens’ clothing purchase, about what deodorant I should use, about coming out to cisgender lovers, and so much more. It was special to have someone to talk to who understands the gender thing, and who understands me. We grew up together. My dad is practically his adopted father. M gave me my first sip of beer and didn’t make fun of me when I spat it out. And now he was the first one to bypass asking, “What the hell are you talking about?” and ask instead, “Have you picked a new name? Me neither.”

For his birthday, I’m sending him all the girl shit I won’t need anymore. A sleek purse I’ve never used, filled with nail polish and goofy hair clips and eyeliner. A figurine of Cinderella dancing with the prince. A deck of “Discover Yourself!” cards, like mini personality quizzes, that my friends and I used to do at sleepovers. He and his wife can have a sleepover and paint their toes and tell secrets. I think that packing that up for him may have been the best part of my day. In return, he is sending me his too-small boy clothing. That’s cool too, but doesn’t feel nearly as good as knowing I created in him that surge of recognition I’ve felt talking to others like me.

Today was really special. Even though I spent half of it crying, it’s like I keep getting closer to something that’s right.

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

This is my collar.

A week after J and I became official, we went on a Valentine’s Day trip to a nerd convention at the college that my best friend attends. Among the many-sided dice and the Star Trek swag, there was a guy selling leather things– dice bags, renfaire gear, and conspicuously, collars. Even though I was so embarrassed I wanted to die, J bought me one that was gaudy and fit for a dog, but we forgot to try it on and it ended up being too big so we had to replace it with this one, which I like a lot better. Besides being absolutely gorgeous, it is subtle enough to pass as a regular necklace but juuust tight enough to make sure you don’t forget it’s there. Continue reading →