Embarrassing story

I’m 21.5 years old. I used to be a heavy smoker of marijuana until recently. I discovered after I quit smoking, a lot of shame and memories that were previously suppressed came flooding back. This is one that has been bothering me I’m particularly ashamed of.

When I was 19, I was working in New York for the summer. I had an internship. I was so lonely with no family or friends. I don’t think I knew it at the time but I was depressed. My sex life was nonexistent during that time despite my efforts. I started looking into Asian massage parlors.

One day after work I mustered up the courage to go. The parlor promised “full service”. I had cash on me but when the time came it turned out I needed a little more. I used my debit card to pay, and for some reason they needed to take a copy of my ID (I gave them my fake) with the payment. My dumb a** gave it to them and had protected, bad sex with the masseuse.

Immediately after I left I felt like sh** but I managed to suppress the bad memory for the most part. Now, 2 years later, I can’t get it out of my mind. IM SO DUMB. Even though the statute of limitations for the act has passed and I couldn’t be charged for it, I keep thinking of the copy they took of my fake ID. I keep thinking that one day, it will see the light of day and I’ll be exposed as the POS I am. I feel like I can never do anything too public in life, because if I do I will be exposed. I look around and think what my friends or family would think of me and I feel like trash.

Even when I manage to stop thinking about it for 30 minutes, it rushes back and I feel so anxious and ashamed. Sometimes I just walk with my head down. Because I know there’s no way out of this, what’s done is done, and I have no control over whether that photocopy sees the light of day. I haven’t told anyone about this and I really don’t know how to deal with it.

You do realize that there is the option to get an actual massage? Meaning that if it were to ever come up in your Supreme Court nomination, explaining why you were in a massage parlor would be pretty easy.

Regardless, kidding aside, it is unclear what is really the issue here. It is unclear if you are actually experiencing guilt over crossing some personal ethical or moral boundary, or if you are just afraid of the social embarassment? In other words, you don’t have a problem with prostitution per se, but you just don’t want to be caught?

No I definitely feel guilt over crossing that boundary. Like i can’t stop thinking about it, and how it’s something I’m going to have to live with the rest of my life. I wish so badly I could take it back.

I understand the issue may be unclear to some but it just plagued me. Any time I start to think I’m a good person or I’m worthy to approach a girl I remember how I’m not as good as I thought and the girl probably has plenty of options of guys that haven’t paid for sex. It’s just a boundary I wish I had never crossed and I feel like I’ve defiled my entire life

At 21.5 it is a good time to explore morality a bit deeper. One reason I suggest this as a path is that you see prostitution as some unforgivable, huge moral transgression but smoking a sh*t load of marijuana is okay (morally speaking).

You know why there are so many Asian massage parlors, but it is rare to find an Asian head shop? Because they have different morals. Using drugs defiles your life...how could you do that to your parents!? While prostitution is a respectable profession, allowing women to provide for their family.

Go visit the Philippines and see how they view drugs and prostitution. Or how about you take a trip to Holland, where both drugs and prostitution are morally equivalent?

But, let’s say you are closed minded and want to keep it that way. Fair enough. Let’s say that you are 100% positive you are a horrible person because paying for a service you find debasing is and will never be forgivable. Then your path is to seek a spiritual remedy, usually by going to the source of where you learned that you are horrible. You go to your local spiritual representative and they provide the service of offering you a path to redemption.

In the first case, you become a skeptic of your moral views.

In the second case, you seek out your shaman, priest, padre, guru, or whichever moral leader you follow and ask for a path to redemption.

HUGE DISCLAIMER: I’m in no way saying this version of morality is correct or is applied across all of Asia. I am saying that morality and what we believe is such a debasement of our lives is largely governed by the particular society in which you were raised. And I am totally aware that in the United States, as with any other nation, there is human trafficking and it is not necessarily voluntary for many woman. I’m not here to justify human trafficking as morally acceptable or the equivalent of marijuana.

I understand. I’ll take your advice for sure. Thank you. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never get over this. Today I read an article about a man who is 39 and is haunted by getting a prostitute at age 21. I really don’t want that to be me. We have one life and I’ve really f***ed up. I’ll refer to your response though and do some deep thinking on the subject of morality