Nation forgets its P.E. kit

Sports Minister Tracey Crouch received an unexpected letter from the UK’s ‘Mum’, asking if everyone could be excused from all forms of physical activity due to an ‘indiscriminate lower back pain’. With participation figures in sport on a sharp decline, the British public have said they would happily join in if it were not for stomach cramps, a recent bereavement and/or a ‘case of the trots’ (delete as applicable).

Too much effort

Sadly the London 2012 legacy is now looking like an over-weight man, scratching at his boxer shorts, while watching the start of the new Premiership Season. Your average male who once Googled for inspirational images of Jessica Ennis-Hill, has now replaced the word inspirational with the phrase ‘nearly nude’. So lethargic have we become that the sprained ankle has surpassed the orgasm as the nation’s favourite form of fakery.

Wider concerns are that amateur avoidance will permeate professional games; with recent Ashes Test matches disrupted by entire teams claiming to have a ‘doctor’s appointment’ on the fifth day. Meanwhile Tracey Crouch has resorted to inspiring the nation to fitness by running Zumba classes in the House of Commons, while shouting like an American Drill Instructor. All of which has been undermined by everyone of voting age claiming that their hay fever; ‘is setting off their exercise asthma’.

A spokesmen for the Sports Minister, spoke of her frustration: ‘If they forget their kit again, the British public will have to run in their underwear. We’re not going to accept any more lame excuses and that extends to Andy Murray. Our statistics suggest in the last six months 250,000 people have stopped regularly breaking into a sweat – and they can’t all have become Ministers in that time’.

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