What couples need to say about money

What should couples discuss about money before they move in together or tie the knot? Bring up the subject among friends or over a coffee at work and I guarantee it will be a conversation jam-packed with laughter, disbelief and torrid tales of relationships pushed sideways by differing beliefs about finance.

A lunch I went to on Wednesday for the launch of a consumer report on the attitudes of men and women to different money issues spawned hours of conversation – not only at the event, but with colleagues afterwards.

The issue is not just about different money values between men and women – same-sex couples will have similar challenges forging a life together based on common goals but both having very different “stories” about money.

In many instances, money is not talked about at the beginning of the relationship – often because there’s not much money around anyway. But trigger points – like one partner leaving paid work to care for children, or one of you making a work sacrifice to further the other’s career – surely make it a good time to have the conversation.

Apparently not. If your wife, husband or partner is at home right now looking after kids, what are the terms of the agreement? Do they feel they’ve got to squirrel money away as they’re no longer earning their own? Or did you talk about it during the pregnancy and establish new ground rules – how you’d survive on one income, not only in terms of paying the bills, but in a way that gives you both a feeling of financial independence?

Does the higher earner have an “entitlement” to spend without consulting a spouse/partner, or is there a tacit agreement that all earnings are pooled? Ask those around you whether they have joint or separate accounts and you could be there for hours.

The tricky thing with separate accounts is how you come to agree on who pays for what – and whether you review these as things change, such as kids getting older, one partner earning more, and so on.

A couple I know comes to mind here – when they first married, they used his higher salary to pay off the mortgage and used hers to finance other household expenditure. She’s always loved having separate accounts because she feels she doesn’t have to be accountable to him for every purchase.

Years later, the mortgage is paid, but she’s still paying for most of the day-to-day household expenditure and has a much lower balance in superannuation thanks to her lower earning capacity. For this couple, it may be time to review whether their money arrangements still work for them.

Have you reviewed yours recently? More pertinent, have you and your partner reached a “common language” about money in which you can talk about your financial resources without it becoming a heated discussion that’s really more about other issues?