Memoirs of a couch cucumber...

Thursday, January 25, 2018

‘Meena, don’t do anything rash today. I hope you remember that it is January now.’ That was my husband on his way out to work a couple of weeks ago. He might have looked down his nose sternly at me delivering that warning, but I don’t doubt for a minute that he meant well. The same message was subsequently repeated to me by my children at regular intervals.

Their warning is not without merit, I must admit. January has proved to be a colorful month for me in recent years. It is when I usually trip over non-existent hurdles, slip on perfectly dry land and walk into very wide, visible walls. I may have become used to the January routine by now, but it seems like my family has not I don’t mind the resulting broken bones or torn ligaments as much as I mind the disbelief and skepticism that I invariably face while trying to explain my incidents to others.

I still remember the conversation I had with the front desk person last January at an after-hours medical facility.

Lady at desk – For insurance purposes, could you tell me about how you injured your left leg today?

Self – Oh sure. You see, my dogs were in the backyard fighting over a toy this evening. Do you have children or dogs? Then, I bet you know how hard it is to get them to share anything. Short of reading them moral stories from the Indian folklore, I have tried my best to imbibe the virtue of sharing in my dogs but, as you can obviously see here, I have totally failed.

Lady at desk – No, I don’t see at all. What happened to your leg?

Self – Wait, I am getting there. As I was watching through the window, the friendly banter suddenly picked up heat and guess what? I had never seen such sharp teeth before. That’s when I decided to step in and play the referee before things got out of hand. That was good timing even if I say so myself.

Lady at desk – Mrs. S, I feel like I should say ‘congratulations’ but WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEG?

Lady at desk – Huh?? Did you hit your leg against something? Did you fall twisting your heel?

Self – Don’t be silly, of course not. Do I look clumsy? I just ran 10 steps.

I still remember her dazed look when I was taken in to see the doctor who later pronounced my ligament torn.

While the MRI showed the soggy state of my ligament, the x-rays spoke of a whole new story. Apparently, instead of boosting the strength of my poor bones, all the calcium that I intake end up rushing to my heel forming little bone-like spikes there causing pain while I walk. So that’s what has been happening to my calcium!Many days, I had wondered about this so it was a relief to know the truth finally. I like a good puzzle as well as the next person but where is the satisfaction in an unsolved mystery? I was, therefore, glad to put the mystery of the misplaced calcium to rest. At least, I know now why my bones threaten to break on me at a moment’s notice.

The year before last, it was my arm’s turn. I had shoveled a small, 5 x 5 area of snow off my driveway only to find that I had torn the ligament along the elbow. Those days, I was still a bit afraid of being stuck in an MRI machine. I distinctly remember that room being eerie white, the inside of the machine being too small, and me being disproportionately big. Not an ideal situation really but thanks to the January phenomenon, I have practiced enough to outgrow my distaste and fear of the machine now.

This year, after catching my family watching my movements worriedly ever since New Year, I decided to be smart and take precautions. After all, I don’t enjoy the inside of the MRI that much. When Mr. Jenks called announcing school snow closings, I was already ready. I had made extensive plans for hibernation based on the weather forecast and had injury-proofed myself. I had stocked the fridge and the pantry enough to survive a five-year famine and had ensured that I wouldn’t have to step outside once snow started. When at last, the pitiful 2 inches of snow hit Richmond, I stood by the window watching the world swirl pretty in white. Every time I opened the fridge and was met with a parade of milk cartons, I patted my own back. Bring it on, fate! Let’s see how you get me to slip this year. Hah!

2 inches of snow and our county, naturally, closed schools for 5 days. I never could get that math to add up but then I have never been much in mathematics. While the snow turned to ice and the ice refused to melt on the surfaces outside, I sat inside warm and safe in my private haven congratulating myself on at last foiling fate. After 6 days of staying indoors, I was starting to turn moldy. I threw open the doors and stepped outside on the 7th day. There was no snow, ice or dampness anywhere in sight. It was as good a day as any. Enjoying the warm sun on my face, I walked towards the car with a long list of errands to run. Next thing I knew, my ankle had twisted from under me and voila, there was that familiar feeling of pain and the even more familiar sight of swelling.

Was it ego or simple pigheadedness that let me drag my feet for 10 days without seeing a doctor? I am not sure but I did will it to be a mild sprain. Yes, there was swelling but I could walk on it so why would I concede victory to fate yet? When you have plump feet like mine, it is very hard to distinguish general plumpness from injury swelling but at last, even I could clearly see that the swelling was not going down. With a huge sigh, I finally called my wonderful doctor who promptly ordered x-rays and sent me on my way to the Orthopedic office. When I walked in to the room, the doctor said, ‘You look familiar’ and that prompted me to remind him that he had treated me last January too. He even asked about my dogs. That was sweet of him, I thought. He took one look at the fractured bone in the x-rays and said ‘Okay Meena, time to get you in a boot. Let me get someone to bring you a boot. You must wear it at all times except while going to bed.’ I hesitantly told him that I had the boot from last January but asked him if one could use the left boot for the right foot too. I was so amazed when he said the boot was universal. Go figure! Who would have guessed they made universal boots like universal remotes!

When he next made an attempt to get me a pair of crutches, I shook my head smiling and said, ‘I have them too doc.’ He was pleased, I could tell. How many patients come in to see an Orthopedic doctor already owning a universal boot and a pair of crutches? January is not completely without blessings, I thought as I came home to my wonderful, universal boot.

Friday, October 6, 2017

That was me typing
furiously all this week looking up recipes involving apples. After making a few pitchers of fresh apple
juice, a pot of apple rasam and a bottle of spicy apple pickle, I ran out of
ideas but sadly, not apples.

Around this
time every year, most Indian homes experience an avalanche of fruits. It’s Navarathri season which roughly
translates to fun, comradery and an unholy amount of fruits for most people. It
is the season when Indian women systematically empty the local stores of all
produce and buy fruits by the truckloads.
Interestingly, they will not eat a single fruit from that purchase. Say,
a woman buys 100 apples. She will
distribute all of it to her friends who visit her golu giving the illusion of
an empty fruit basket.

Forgive me
for this quick detour. I have only recently
started to appreciate how math is interwoven in our everyday lives so here is a
brain-teaser for you. If I bought 100 fruits and distributed 2 fruits per
person, how many friends visited my golu? It is such a rush of power to know I can make
my own word problems. 😊

Getting back
to the fruit distribution conundrum, now that the woman had given away all her
fruits, where do you think she was headed next?
To her friends’ homes, naturally.
It was her turn to receive fruits now so she would patiently haul her
collection bag, visit every golu house in town and get her share. Odd? Yes, but also totally fair.

This is my
story every Navarathri season too. At
the end of Saraswathi pooja last week, I was back to being in possession of
over 100 fruits. If you think, this is
the sum of all my problems (oh wow Meena) you have never been a performing arts
teacher on Vijayadasami day.

I love
Vijayadasami. It is the one day when my
students lose the strained, constipated smiles and seem genuinely happy to see
me. I get warm smiles and cozy hugs generously
that day. To me, it is the best gift
ever but the parents of my students are not so easily impressed. They are convinced that nothing short of
multiple bags of apples, oranges, bananas, pears and clementine will convey
their love effectively to me. While I truly
appreciate the sentiment, I do wish they will take pity on me and throttle back
their love just a bit.

When my
doctor advised me to include fiber in my diet last year, I don’t think she
meant this much. Any more fiber and I will have the shiniest colon this side of
the States.

Last night,
I dreamed that I was being held hostage by a giant red apple who was holding a
banana to my head. An orange was shoving a clementine down my throat. I was so glad to wake up from the nightmare
right at that moment. It was scary
stuff.

After
consuming apples in all possible forms for a few days, I did what any teacher
worth her salt would do. I threatened my
students with extra homework unless they each took a bag of fruits home. A little harsh may be but hey, it
worked. The mountain has now shriveled down
to a manageable mound. Hallelujah!

Thursday, January 19, 2017

It was a festive evening.
About 20 of us were gathered in a friend’s place to welcome the New Year
together. As is the norm, we surrounded
ourselves with enormous amounts of food and beverages though I am not clear why
since everyone but the Sankaran clan ate like a bird. After the customary greeting at the host’s
door involving air hugs and Colgate-worthy smiles, we all settled down for an
evening of robust conversation. It is an
unwritten rule that once we cross the foyer, we go our separate ways – the macho
men to the formal living room and the little women to the cozy family room.

There were new saree fashions on display in the room that
evening which obviously required prompt admiration and in-depth analysis. Boutique names were exchanged as well as new
tailoring techniques in stitching blouses.
A few years ago, a ‘window’ in the back of the blouse was all the
rage. Bold women wore big, airy,
wide-grilled window styles while the modest sported tiny windows at the
top. The ones with the tiny windows were
never aerated enough but that is the price one pays for modesty, I
suppose. This year, it seemed ‘door in
the back’ is the style to die for. I am
completely in awe of this new style. It’s
like magic. In the front, you can see
the blouse but go around, it disappears completely. Exquisite fabrics basically held together by
a couple of strands loosely tied with beautiful beads at the end. One lusty sigh and it might all unravel like
a badly kept secret.

My experiences with tailors in India have not been good so
far. Every time I go on vacation, they seem
to want more cloth than before and then give me a small handkerchief-like blouse
in return. It is like we speak in
different languages. Last visit, I stood
before my new tailor and used my skill in playing charades to sign to her that
I wanted a blouse that would cover all
the front and at least some of the back and the sides. It was non-negotiable. I put my foot down firmly and told her that I
was NOT interested in doing any glamour scenes on thebig
screen and insisted that she used all the cloth that I bought. From the look of the blouses she delivered,
it seems my charades skill could use some work.

As the evening stretched on, we realized that many of us were
dog owners. Nothing brings people close
together than babies or dogs. As most of
us were out of the baby circuit, we bonded big time over our four-legged babies
that night. We went around the room and
listened to each ‘mom’ proudly talk about her dog’s smart adventures. Cute furry pictures were exchanged, tales of
housetraining successes were shouted out.
We awwwed and ooohhhhed over each tale making every mom brim with
pride.

Alas, in all this drama, we neglected
to notice one woman in the room feeling lost.
‘I have a fish’ she blurted out suddenly. Conversation stopped for a minute as all
confused eyes turned to her. She cleared
her voice and said it again - ‘I have a fish’.
It took a minute for us to see that we were excluding her in the
conversation and being the only woman there who owned a couple of dogs and a
fish, I jumped in to set the score right.
She and her fish had the floor the next few minutes. With slacked jaws, we listened to her concern
that her fish might be constipated. We
tsk, tsked and offered to google for some solutions to her fish’s problem. She basked in the attention and apologized
for not having a picture of her fish to show us. We wrapped up the ‘show and tell’ part of the
evening with her promise that she will whatsapp the picture to us the very next
day.

Age is but a number. 4
or 40, we can still feel hurt when excluded. We are happiest when we feel part of a whole
and be included in a peer group. There
is so much love and friendship in our hearts that it is not hard to make room
for one more, is it?