Courageous Trainer Defends Pokémon GO Gym Like His Goddamn Life Depended On It

BOSTON― On a late Tuesday afternoon, Local Pokémon GO trainer Luke Hughes was down to his last Pokémon. He had been resisting a 6 hour long siege by the enemy team Instinct. Shortly before it looked like Hughes was finally about to be defeated, he had risen from the ashes like a valiant Moltres and successfully defended his gym against the attackers. When the pokédust finally cleared, he was awarded by his teammates and showered with dozens of eggs and Master Balls.

The losing team declined to comment, as they retreated into the shadows, surely planning another attack against Hughes and his team. One onlooking spectator was amazed at his devotion to the game: “It was incredible. He stayed there for like the entire day and just shut down his competitors, left and right. He was fucking unstoppable- he made me proud to be Mystic”.

Our interviewers caught up with Hughes after his recovery from the longwinded battle, surely to be permanently cemented in the history of team Mystic for eternity. “This was the first gym I ever visited. There was no way in hell I was going to give it up to some Instinct schmucks”, he said confidently as his strength returned to him. “I know I’m all famous right now and everything, and that’s great- but I was just standing up for what I believed in. I encourage everyone to do the same, and together we can triumph. TEAM MYSTIC!”.