Happy Day, Earth!

In honor of your planet’s anniversary today, I shall make a special endeavor to show regard for Earth things. I will dedicate several seconds each to appreciating water buffalo, fire hydrants, Escherichia coli, and shoelace aglets, and will listen to Earth sounds while thinking these appreciative thoughts. There will also be Earth cake.

…

I have been informed that this is not in fact your planet’s anniversary, but is instead a celebration of recent invention, intended to draw attention to the conservation movement and to things of Earth not created by humans. I will correspondingly withdraw my appreciation of fire hydrants and shoelace aglets. The Earth cake will remain part of the celebration.