I live abroad and my parents are living with my sister and her family. My parents are of clear mind and stable health. My concern is for their welfare and how their assets are being handled. My sister has full POA and does not disclose or share any information with me. I speak to my father weekly and he just talks to me about the weather and never puts my mother on to talk. I started to challenge my sister, with the help of a lawyer, at least to get more transparency about the situation. My sister took my parents to another lawyer and had her POA strengthened, adding a clause that I was not allowed to make any legal challenges about her caretaking. My sister stopped communicating with me when she took full caregiver role.1) Her husband was paid $10,000 to supervise refurbishing on my parent's house (parents paid for that) 2) My sister (with her kids and husband) moved into my parents house a (parents pay her $6000/month for 'care') 3) Parents were still living out of state while my sister handled all the refurbishing 4) she then moved my parents back into their own house, noting to the lawyer that it would be better for parents being in a bigger home, and familiar surroundings. I thought that was good, but I felt that there was an ulterior motive, especially with the sums of money being moved around, the value of the my parent's assets, and the lack of clear communication. Today I see a Facebook post on my sister's husband's page that he urgently needs help to pack up a UHaul truck and move back to his original state. I double checked on my sister's daughter's page and she was also telling friends that she would be moving back this week. Of course my parents don't tell me anything that his happening with them. My assumption is that my sister is moving everyone out of my parent's house and trying to sell the house, especially while my parents are alive, so that this doesn't become an inheritance issue. I've talked to lawyers about this matter, and with my sister having POA and a clause that I can't bring legal challenges, and without any concrete evidence of abuse toward my parents, then I don't have any recourse. Just a frustrating feeling

12 Answers

Sounds as though there is more to this story than you yet know. but as long as your parents are safe and content that is the main thing. sounds also as though your sister will no longer be able to manipulate your parent's finances.

I agree with you completely. That is why I found it so surprising that the ultimatum given to my sister was so swift. I did not know about anything that was going on. My sister has not talked to me for 6 months, and my father was vague and distant while my sister lived with him. I sat on the sidelines and didn't interfere. I am trying to contact my parent's lawyer to get their perspective, but she has only said "Things didn't work out with your sister, so she and her family moved out of your parents’ house on June 12." This obviously glosses over a lot of details, so as you point out this raises some questions. Did the social worker over react? Is there more that happened that isn't being shared? I am trying to get answers.

In reference to the aside comment, my parents are not medicaid eligible at all. A previous lawyer was trying to help make them medicaid eligible according to the laws of his state, by transferring their assets. My parents claimed later that they were completely unaware of this process, and it was being handled directly between my sister and that lawyer.

Good question, regarding the POA. I will out of the country and I am in a time zone far removed from my parent's location. The lawyer has said that in part due to the distance, my parents are not setting me as their POA. Instead, in consultation with their lawyer, they have decided to designate a local professional that does have experience helping seniors manage their finances/assets. That is fine by me.

Thanks! It's been kind of a rollercoaster ride. Having been in touch with a number of lawyers in this scenario that seemed to be blind to how things were being conducted I was losing faith in the system. This was a big turnaround.

MORE UPDATE: So I had a long call with my father last night where he shared with me everything that was happening with him and what lead up to my sister having to leave his home. Prior to this over the last month and a half, my father only talked about the weather with me, and I sensed a strain in his composure holding him back from fully sharing his feelings.

My father's attorney from the outset demanded that my sister as primary caregiver hire her own attorney to negotiate the care package terms, in order that my father's attorney wouldn't suffer from any conflict of interests.

My father shared stories of my sister losing her temper and yelling at him, as well as the level of care he was getting from her in comparison to the payment he was making. Furthermore my sister was asking him for even more money. Neither my sister nor her husband were working.

One of the attorneys was in touch with Adult Protective Services and arranged for a social worker to visit my parent's home and review the arrangement, including interviewing neighbors about the situation. The neighbor also reported seeing my sister yell at my parents. Based on this investigation, the social worker presented a report to the attorneys insisting that my sister be removed from the home and as the role of caregiver. My sister was given a few days to comply or face legal repercussions. They left town.

I could hear and feel my father breathing in relief and talking more freely with me, without fear that someone was looking over his shoulder.

Now, with the guidance of the lawyer and a placement agency, he is looking into an assisted living arrangement to go with my mom, and to sell their home.

UPDATE: There has been a big twist in the story I presented. As I mentioned initially my sister's husband ordered a Uhaul truck and my niece wrote that she was moving states this past weekend. Finally my parents called me and said that there had been a big change.

They explained that over the last few days my sister was no longer talking to my parents, then, with her husband and kids, they suddenly moved out of my parent's house and were no longer caring for them. As my father revealed more, apparently he had been confiding in his lawyer about the level of care they were getting from my sister especially in light of the $6000 a month they were paying her. In addition my sister's husband was hassling my parents for more money, claiming that in growing up I had been favored over my sister.

The lawyer didn't like what was happening and organized a professional care provider to come to my parent's house on a regular basis, and to help them look into moving into an assisted living arrangement.

The irony for me is that a year ago I had shared this exact same information with them, but they insisted on going to live with my sister and her husband.

Thanks for validating this experience. Unfortunately I already feel that I have been burned by trying to step in, so I am hesitent. Here is some of the communications:

I had found out that my sister's lawyer was helping to make my parents medicaid qualified by dispensing my parents of their assets, first by transferring the maximum legal monthly amount to my sister $6000. I challenged this and consulted with lawyers that found this fishy.

However, after moving my parents to a new state my parent's lawyer (hired by my sister) said she believes $6,000 per month for the services my sister is providing is reasonable, but added that she has suggested hiring a care manager to develop a care plan, not just to establish an appropriate amount to pay my sister but guide her in making sure your parents’ needs are met.

This lawyer was to draft a new care contract; as her standard practice is not to represent both sides she recommended that my sister get her own attorney for the purposes of negotiating it (or at least having independent legal advice before she signs it.)

My own lawyer (in the new state where my parents were moved to) explained to my parent's lawyer that one of his concerns was that if my parents were still focused on Medicaid as a source of paying for care, the local practice of requiring individuals to privately pay for 2 years or so before the facility will accept Medicaid needed to be considered. My parent's lawyer (hired by my sister) said that my parents have not expressed any interest in Medicaid planning, just paying my sister for the care she is providing, and staying in their own home in their native state as long as possible. My parent's lawyer was completely unaware of the lengths my sister's previous lawyer was going to render my parents Medicaid-eligible.

[Here is the part that really frustrates me] My parent's lawyer also said that my parents have great affection for me and that it was causing them great distress to think that I was just focused on the inheritance over their well-being. Their lawyer said that my parents would be relieved to hear that the impression they got from my other lawyer's letters (previous state) was not accurate, and my parent's lawyer suggested a good first step to opening up lines of communication would be to send my parents a letter (I call them every week, my sister refuses to set up internet so I can't do Skype or email with them).

Based on this conversation, my lawyer said it would be a good idea that I focus on my relationship with my family rather than take further legal action, suggesting that visiting my family would be a good idea, after getting the dialogue started and making sure they are receptive to seeing me.

Something smells funny here. And it's not your sister who is obviously exploiting your parents financially ($6000/month?? Wish I made that much!).

Your sister can put whatever she wants in writing but that doesn't negate the fact that she's handling your parents finances inappropriately. She just wants your grubby mitts off the money but she's left herself wide open for scrutiny. You call Adult Protective Services (or whatever they're called in your area) and report your suspicions to them. Financial exploitation of an elder is elder abuse.

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