The no-holds-barred tale of a Chicago-based thirty-something living the so-called dream

Sorry for keeping you in suspense (yes mom, I’m talking about you – now stop harassing me for taking forever to post Part 2) with the second half of my now-not-so-recent roadtrip to the West Coast. If you’re reading this, the suspense has obviously not killed you so congratulations on surviving. So without any further ado…

(drumroll please)

Last we left off, we’d peaced out of Glacier National Park and were high-tailing it to Seattle. To the land of Starbucks and fish-tossers we went. Since my partner in crime had friends in Seattle there’d be no camping for us at this pit stop – sofa-surfing it was.

Several pit stops at Starbucks later, we were officially in Seattle and checked into the fancy Casa de Amiga for our two night stay in Starbucksville. Since we’d arrived just in time for Happy Hour, we were greeted by our friend with a “Hi, how are you!? Would you like some pot chocolate before we head out?”

I’m sorry, but did you say HOT chocolate, or POT chocolate?

I mean….since it’s legal in Washington….when in Rome!

Needless to say, 2/3 of a serving (which is only a square of chocolate about the size of one rectangle of a Hershey’s bar) and an hour or so later we were high as a kite. Never in my life had we been that high. When they say that edibles hit you in a completely different way, they aren’t kidding. It’s totally worth $45 for a bar of chocolate that lasts a looooooong time and has very few calories per serving.

With happy hour wrapped up, we decided it would be beneficial to run home and recharge with a quick disco nap before going out for the night. About 12 hours later, we woke up. Whoops…

At least we were refreshed, recharged, and ready to see the sights of Seattle. Popping only half a dose of the finest chocolate $45 could buy, we headed for the world-famous Pike Place Market.

Holy. Effing. Tourist. Trap.

This place was an absolute mad house.

As our chocolate kicked in, we decided we’d had enough of the madness and headed for the Space Needle….only to remember halfway there that there was supposed to be some crumpet shop that was highly recommended back at the Market that we’d forgotten about. We headed back, grabbed some crumpets at The Crumpet Shop, then headed back to get ready for dinner. On the way, we got sidetracked and stopped by the Olympic Sculpture Park…because, when you’re stoned out of your mind, what better to do than look at some sculptures and wonder what the people who designed them were smoking when they’d come up with their off-the-wall ideas.

Less than 24 hours and two separate trips to Witness (dinner then brunch the following morning since it was so good) later, we hit the road. We’d originally planned on checking out Vancouver, but since we had a newly-adopted puppy along for the ride with no records of shots or vet visits, we were sure we’d never make it across the border going either direction. Peace out, Seattle. Portland, we were coming for ya!

With a three-hour drive ahead of us and nowhere lined up to stay, we made the decision to AirBNB it the next two nights. For those of you who’ve never heard of AirBNB, it’s one of the best things since sliced bread. If you’re going to be gone – or if you have a spare room you want to cash in on – you post your space on their site/app as available and someone can rent it out. Boom. Done. Just like that. Pretty sweet.

We ended up landing a cool studio apartment in a trendy neighborhood just outside downtown Portland on a strip of cool shops, restaurants, and bars….directly above a place called Portland Wine Merchants….with a weaving loom in our room. Yes, a weaving loom. Like…what peasants used to use to make rugs. Ridiculous.

Most eclectic lodging ever: Check.

Nailed it.

With a few recommendations of where to go and what to do compliments of our AirBNB host (Thanks Ritchie – you, and your place, were AWESOME!), we set out to check out a nearby dog park, a few shops, and a bar with an all-afternoon-long Happy Hour. Seriously, Gold Dust Meridian, you are a recipe for disaster!! How do you expect us to ever leave with specials on food and drinks for 6 hours every day? Of the two days we spent in Portland, both days we’d find ourselves on their patio for several hours each afternoon. Am I complaining though? Not at all. Had we been there a third day we probably would’ve gone back again a third time.

Even with the countless hours spent at happy hour, we still managed to find time for a quick drive out to Multnomah Falls, explore downtown Portland, and check out a few neighborhood dives for some of the worst karaoke I’ve ever experienced (and that’s saying a lot considering I used to bartend/DJ karaoke night twice a week back in PA) at a bar with a fish tank for a bar top surface nonetheless, craft cocktails (make sure you check out Dig A Pony if you’re ever in Portland – great drinks and a HOT bartender!!), and the infamous Voodoo Doughnut. Portland had definitely impressed us way more than Seattle. The people were friendlier, the adventuring was better, and the city was just cooler (and cleaner!) in general. Way to go, Portland!

SIDE NOTE: In case you ever wondered…maple bacon doughnuts are a thing. A very delicious thing. Especially when you’re drunk, hungover, or really anytime in general. You can thank me later.

After two days in one of my new favorite cities, we decided that, having checked off several national parks and nine states – Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, Washington, and Oregon – it was finally time to head on to the tenth and final state of our trip: CALIFORNIA!!!

The modern misadventures of a twentysomething transplant from Nebraska, trying to navigate Chicago. Many gays love meddling with my life, for better and for worse. Fortunately, I'm a less horse-faced version of Carrie Bradshaw, that, unfortunately, never gets any action.