Mass rodentia! Muskrat love! Nutria stew!

The levees broke in Lincoln County, Mo., and you can blame muskrats for it. The little furry aquatic rats burrowed holes in the side of the earthen walls, and now the town of Winfield is going to flood.

It’s just another victory in the war being waged on mankind by rodentile agent provocateurs.

If the rodents aren’t breaking our levees, they’re attacking us with their irony, to wit: A PETCO pet food warehouse in Chicago has been seized by federal health inspectors after they found it was infested with rats. PETCO should’ve told the feds the rats were there on purpose to keep feral cats from eating the pet food.

Like prison gangs, rodent crime gangs are speading. Now, they’re getting perilously close to our national supplies of overpriced coffee franchising. Nutria have been found in Seattle, jacked up on $4 Starbucks Pike Place Roast coffee and wearing flannel shirts, I’ll bet. Worse than that, Seattle has taken to the nutria and is offering up nutria recipes.

The last straw, however, is rodentile home invasion. And I’m not referring to mice darting along the floorboards. Raccoons broke into a Dallas-area home and jacked some cat food. To keep the peace, the family has angered their cat Jingles by moving the cat’s food dish inside the house.

Game over. Once you move the cat food, the clades:Glires has already won.

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