Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious Recap, Ep. 1

What could more girls, more booty shorts and more bitchiness mean? The creator of the Pussycat Dolls is back on the prowl, searching for the three girls who will make up Girlicious — the next Pussycat Dolls. And lucky for us, she’s decided to televise it in all its catty glory.

In the first episode, we meet the fifteen girls who’ve been “inspired” by the PCD, who have “danceability” (Ed: is that a word?) and drive. It’s nice to know some things don’t change – we’re still going to have to listen to “Don’t Cha” before every show, and Mark McGrath’s schedule is still clear enough so that he can co-host.

We learn from Robin, creator of the PCD, that Girlicious will have more of an urban vibe, more street. I want to be Robin when I grow up. Every time she enters a room she gets a round of applause.

Now, the girls: Tiffanie’s particularly excited about the competition, given that “Geffen is going to have like 100%…support.” Uh, Tiffanie? Have you seen how desperate the record industry is? They’re so hard-up for publicity they’re actually making reality shows on the CW…oh. Nevermind.

On to our gaggle of girls, which is chock full of diversity. First up there’s Carrie, who’s the oldest at 25. She likes to party.

Then there’s Keisha. She likes girls.

Cassandra has a “tattoo of cherries on her hoo-ha.”

Then there’s Charlotte, who’s mature.

A pretty well-rounded group we’ve got.

The girls are split up into five groups of three, and immediately Natalie views co-group member Charlotte as a threat because she is “somewhat Latin,” meaning she has brown hair. The girls are tasked with coming up with their own look and choreography based on the same five songs that we heard ad nauseam last season.

In the mandatory sob story category, we’ve already had two before Jenna admits that it’s tough being one of the bigger girls on the show, which is strange, as she looks normal to us.

Ten minutes into the show, and we’ve already got a proper feud going. It’s difficult to choose sides in the already developing battle of Natalie vs. Charlotte. Charlotte seems pretty stuck-up, and Natalie’s a harpie. The fabulous Mikey Minden is back, and even more razor-tongued than last season. He identifies Charlotte as the weak link in dancing.

But Mikey saves his most fantastic jabs for Carrie, who likes to party: “Her look is so tragic I can’t even begin to talk about it.” Oh please! Please talk about it! Needless to say, he’s under-whelmed with the dancing. Elsewhere, Jenna walks out of practicing with extreme cramps, leaving her group in the lurch to learn the moves.

Since the girls have been working so hard — squeezing into all those form-fitting workout clothes and applying all that foundation — Robin’s taking them to the Tom Tom Club, the exclusive Interscope Records hang-out. On the way, yet another chapter in the Natalie-Charlotte feud erupts when Natalie, for no apparent reason, won’t let Charlotte borrow one of her fifty pairs of boots. Natalie thinks she’s come up with a pretty ironclad excuse that she will use later in her defense: “Nobody said ‘Hey Natalie pack boots for Charlotte.'” Natalie, girl, I feel for you watching this back. You do not look good.

Joining the ladies at the Tom Tom Club is Nelly Furtado, who looks totally contractually obligated. It’s karaoke time, and apparently there’s only two songs, and the songs are “Fly” by Sugar Ray and “I’m Like a Bird” by Nelly Furtado. Wonder how they arrived at these two. “Fly” is performed at least three times, which is likely the most that song has been played since 2001.

Jenna’s cramp situation escalates, and she ends up in the hospital with a ruptured cyst, which will likely effect her already shakey dance moves. To show the level of competition and compassion on the show, Robin asks, “Well can you dance in a wheelchair?”

Over in Charlotte and Natalie’s group, “We Got the Beat” isn’t quite gelling, given the fact that Charlotte won’t even touch Natalie while they’re dancing. Mikey’s keen powers of perception lead him to believe something’s up, and Robin tells the girls that they better “work it out” before the competition. In other groups on the eve of the competition, Jenna’s dragged from the wheelchair, and Keisha’s nervous about her singing, and the harpie Natalie needs a nap, so her group practices without her.

She’ll sleep well. A villain this good in reality television hangs around for a few episodes.

The next day is Judgement Day. The judges are the same as last season — Robin, Ron Fair, and a barely recognizable Lil Kim. First up: “Tainted Love” with Tiffanie, Alexis and Megan. Lil Kim is not impressed.

Then Keisha, Ilisa and Carrie perform En Vogue’s “Never Gonna Get It.” Jenna, Jamie and Charlye perform “Where Did Out Love Go?,” and its sort of hard to see what Jenna was so worried about. There’s little to the choreography than hair flipping and high stepping.

The next group strikes me as the group where all three could be kicked off, as we’ve hardly seen them at all in the forty minutes preceding. Cassandra, Chrystiana and Nichole perform “Right Now” by the PCD. Charlotte, Kristin and Natalie perform “We Got the Beat” by the Go-Gos with no incident, other than one of the most gratuitous butt shots in reality television.

Eliminations go down with some pauses that should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention. In the end Kristin “isn’t a star,” Charlotte “wants it,” but “might not have it.” Carrie’s “one of the worst dancers here,” and Keisha has the moves, but not the voice. Carrie, who likes to party, is saved for further humiliations by Mikey Minden. Sadly, Keisha, Charlotte and Kristin will not be in Girlicious.

Let the pink boa-ing begin, and the mascara stream down relieved faces!