Pages

Monday, February 28, 2011

Ugh, I'm a day late with this! But hey, whatever, at least I remembered that I forgot to do something yesterday. So here's a recap of my busy busy week, just in case you missed it:

Tuesday was Lady Porn Day! I spent Monday and Tuesday at LPD HQ, manning the Twitter conversation. Keeping up with the hashtag was stressful, but the experience was amazing. We received such tremendously positive feedback, stimulated some awesome twitter conversations about women and porn, received some awesome press coverage, and made amazing connections with the courageous women who were willing to discuss something as personal as a relationship with porn. YEAH, LADIES!

My blog got a lot of hits this week, thanks to Lady Porn Day! If you haven't already, you can read my personal story of self-exploration through porn here.

In a display of perfect cosmic timing, my piece on sex-positivity was published on Eden Cafe the day after Lady Porn Day. Check it out here!

My Forensics life has officially gone into overdrive. I competed at a competitive 4-year tournament this weekend and managed to place 5th in Communication Analysis! I was quite pleased with myself. So pleased, in fact, that I actually sauntered out of a round. I blame listening to "Born This Way" on repeat before leaving for the tournament.

I've got a big State Forensics tournament coming up this week, so most of my time will be spent preparing for that. I still hope to have another post up before I leave Friday morning, but if I don't, I like to think that I have a pretty good excuse. :-)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Sex blogger and journalist (also, my first cousin) Rabbit White has declared February 22 to be Lady Porn Day. Rabbit says that, "At it’s heart, this is about celebrating pornography and masturbation." Lady Porn Day provides an opportunity for all who are interested to discuss, explore, and share personal porn experiences, philosophies, and opinions. I am honored to be a part of the Lady Porn Day team.

This post contains content that is not normally seen on my personal blog. I discuss my personal and private (until now) experiences with pornography, masturbation, and my own sexuality. Consider yourself warned.

I was not always someone who was interested in porn. Pornography was never discussed in my home or in my sex education classes. I was left completely in the dark. Despite my regular teenage masturbation habit, I developed the idea that if porn was not discussed amongst women, then it must not be worthwhile. Having no one to talk to, I just assumed that everyone masturbated the same way I did: late at night, under the covers, squeezing my eyes shut and holding my breath, terrified that someone would hear me or burst into the room.

Eventually, curiosity got the best of me. I saw my first “Skinemax” flick on a lonely evening when I was about 17. I watched one sex scene, felt that special tingle in my jeans…and promptly turned off the flick and headed to bed. I had never seen something like that, something so brazenly open about the act of sex and all of its pleasures, so I was confused by how aroused I was. This was the first time that I had been aroused by visual stimuli rather than spontaneous curiosity and exploration.

My late-night encounter was a revelation. I wanted to explore this type of arousal further, but being a timid teenager with no resources, I felt my options were limited. For several years, I found pleasure and enjoyment in what I had access to: TV series on DVD. I had a penchant for developing hard-core crushes on television characters. Why not turn these silly teenage crushes into masturbatory fodder? I would have been more than happy to have any of the men from CSI dust my body for evidence, Spike was more than welcome to ravage me in his Sunnydale crypt, and mounting Sam Seaborn in the Roosevelt Room was never out of the question.

I’ve gotten much more comfortable with searching for porn since then. I regularly cruise cable TV for delicious soft-core porn. The introduction of On Demand cable into my life has enhanced my porn-viewing habits, and now my brain holds a database of titles, production companies, and performers. My favorite movies are always there, day or night, waiting for me.

It’s taken years of self-exploration, but I have finally realized what elements of porn turn me on: ambiguity and genuine pleasure.

If something has a mystery about it, I find it sexy. This love of ambiguity is precisely why I have never been able to get into hardcore porn. I don’t want to see everything. The in-and-out of penetration feels amazing, but in my opinion, a closeup of said penetration looks unpleasant. I’d rather let my imaginative mind wander. This is why I find erotic literature so effective. The descriptive language allows me to take the reigns in visualization. Every time I read an erotic short story, I envision myself and whomever I see fit to fill the role(s) of the lovers. That’s the beauty of ambiguity—you can fill in the blanks to fit your desired interpretation.

Genuine pleasure is a major element for me. I’ve seen my fair share of porn performers ooh and aah their way through a scene and it just doesn’t work for me. I’d rather see a female performer’s face contorted in pleasure, her body convulsing, her breath shortening. You see, when I watch porn, I look for that genuine pleasure so that I can live vicariously through her. If it appears that a performer is trying to “look sexy,” I’m not into it. I want to look at a female performer and think, “Whoa. That looks like fun.” Witnessing genuine pleasure inspires me to pursue my own genuine pleasure.

Today, I feel no shame about the role porn plays in my life. Porn is about exploration. Not just exploring the world of pornography and sexuality, but exploring YOURSELF. What intrigues you, what makes you feel a connection. Building a relationship with porn is a full mind-body experience. Exploring my sexuality through pornography and masturbation has not only given me a sense of self-awareness about my body, it has also given me the strength to assert myself, to say, “This is what I want in my life. This is what makes me feel powerful and in control.”

So today, I can say with confidence that my relationship and experiences with porn are important, empowering, and most importantly, they are mine. No one can ever take away from me, and that is pretty fucking sexy.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Oh jeez, what a long week! I can't believe I survived. Lots of working, lots of running around, lots of not spending time in my own home. My body is worn out and I'm exhausted, but I'm still ready to recap my week for you, just in case you missed it.

After watching the Grammy's, I wrote a post shedding the tiniest amount of light possible about how Lady Gaga and Madonna inspire me and teach me how to be a strong woman.

I didn't get to see Justin on Valentine's Day (which didn't bum me out because we don't really put that much emphasis on Valentine's Day being a special day for us as a couple), but I did feel the love in my Forensics office, where my Speech Wife made me a Valentine's Day card and the boys on my team bought the girls delicious cookies.

Traveled out to the city to work with Rabbit White on her upcoming project, Lady Porn Day. Click here to learn all the info about Lady Porn Day. If you're on Twitter, you can get in on the conversation RIGHT NOW by using the hashtag #ladypornday and check back in with me this Tuesday (February 22), which is the official date for Lady Porn Day, for my thoughts on porn, as well as some other surprises!

Tried to make Justin watch Showgirls. He couldn't get through it. I, however, loved every second of it.

Competed in a Forensics tournament for the first time since December. I had a great time, saw friends from other teams and some of the COD Forensics alumni, which always makes my day. To top it all off, I took 2nd place in Communication Analysis!

What's to come in the week ahead? Well, aside from work, school, and another tournament, LADY PORN DAY IS TUESDAY! So much work has gone into it and it has been such a privilege to be a part of Rabbit's branichild. Hope you guys love it as much as we do!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

It was a sudden impulse. It is very rare that I am possessed by these impulses, these sudden urges to try something new. Because these instances are few and far between, I have learned that they must never be ignored and must always be embraced to the fullest...especially when there are bucket lists involved.

It seemed like a typical Tuesday morning. I was simply driving to work. However, instead of following my normal route and turning right, I made the sudden decision to turn left. What was to the left, you ask? An alternate route, of course. A route that would get me to work in eleven minutes flat. A route that consisted mainly of driving on a major expressway.

I've always been wary of expressway driving. So many lanes, such high speeds; the thought of such an environment made me tremendously nervous. I was convinced that I would never be able to keep it together on an expressway, that I would never be able to stay in control of the moment.

Maybe it was the power of feeling super cute. Maybe it was the power of Neko Case crooning to me, "This tornado loves you, this tornado loves you." Whatever it was, it made me feel powerful. The expressway route was merely an extension lane, I wouldn't be required to do anything bold, like merging, so I just did it. I cackled and let out the perfect Romy and Michele, "WOOHOOOO!" as I veered onto the on-ramp. I was totally jazzed, doing a little dance in the driver's seat...

...And then I was there. Cruising down I-290 at a cool 70 mph. I had seen this road from a passenger's seat view a thousand times. I guess I expected it to look different somehow. Scarier, more intimidating. I knew I had graduated from a timid, mousy driver to a full-fledged woman of the road when I casually (but carefully) exited my lane and passed the rusty old jalopy going juuuuuust 55. Later, loser. I've got places to be. Fabulous places, exciting places.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Something happened to me last night when Lady Gaga took the stage at the 53rd Anual Grammy Awards last night. Gaga was not new to me, "Born This Way" was not new to me, and her theatrical stage elements were certainly not new to me. But when Lady Gaga emerged from her alien pod and I saw her face and heard her voice singing those words, I was riveted. By the time she waltzed up to her Haunted Mansion organ, there was a bizarre surge of emotions and I could honestly feel myself growing misty. If my mom hadn't been sitting next me, I probably would have cried a little from the uplifting and encouraging vibes that emanated from my television. After a shitty, shitty weekend, I was ready to give into the misery and give up. I was ready to give up on school, on Forensics, on trying to be a prodtucive member of society. As ridiculous as it sounds, Lady Gaga was my angel last night. An angel that said, "You're on the right track, baby."

And you know what? I just might be on the right track, thanks to Mother Monster. After that perforamce, I was a born-again Little Monster. I perked up, went back to work, and got some things accomplished. The coming week suddenly seemed less daunting.

HOWEVER! (dum dum DUUUUUUM!)

Someone had to rain on my parade. Or remind me that I left my cake out in the rain. Take your pick.

As could have been predicted by a howler monkey, the Internet has been in an uproar (or something like that), saying that "Born This Way" is a rip-off of the classic Madonna track, "Express Yourself." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I don't care. Similar chords and/or song structures be damned. To me, they are two different messages from two different women without whom I would be nothing.

"Express Yourself," to me, is a song that tells girls we have choices in our romantic entanglements. Madonna teaches us that second-best is not even close to good enough in a relationship and that we are strong enough to make that kind of informed and empowered decision about our sex lives. She warns of the traps of the lavish gifter. Just because he gets you the diamond rings or the "fancy cars that go very fast," does not mean he's bought your heart. No one buys my heart. When I was a child, Madonna's words taught me that I had the right to express my thoughts, my opinions, and my desires. She taught me that (and this was a concept I wouldn't fully grasp until only a few years ago) second-best is NEVER EVER enough. I would have done far better as a free bitch. In fact, I am a free bitch, baby, thanks to growing up with Madonna.

And speaking of being a free bitch, baby...

While Madonna told me to express myself as a girl, Gaga tells me to embrace myself as a woman. A white woman. A sexual woman. A stubborn woman. An autistic woman. A quirky woman. A jealous woman. A broken woman. A lost woman. These aren't all positive qualities. But baby, I was born this way. However we were created, it could not have possibly been a mistake, so why should I hide these things about me that others find not-so-great as if they were mistakes? I can never truly love myself if I am overly concerned with how others perceive me. You are the only person who has the right to say who you truly are. Lady Gaga's message in this song doesn't apply to just women; everyone can be on the right track to loving themselves by realizing that being born this way is the greatest gift of all.

You can say what you want. Lady Gaga doesn't care if you think her song is unoriginal and if it the situation were flipped, Madge would totally not give a shit. And you know what? When the snow starts to thaw and I'm driving home from school or work with my windows down having a little dance party in my car, It just will not matter.

I should take a cue from Gaga. The only way I can survive is to accept and embrace who I am and make it all work for me. Instead of hiding in reget, I'm gonna learn to love myself and I'll be set.

I WILL NOT BE A DRAG, I WILL BE A QUEEN!

(Or a drag queen, but that's a whole other post coming soon this week!)

OKAY OKAY, so it didn't really happen like that. He now claims that he was just trying to get a rise out of me (you know, because he finds my neurotic rants entertaining), but I still say that we shouldn't joke about that topic. Preferring Return of the Jedi to Empire is a dealbreaker. There are some major philosophical differences in that debate, i'mjustsayin. I was shaken to my very core.

I was still sick. Like, quarantine sick until Thursday. I watched a lot of TV and scribbled a lot of crazy nonsense that I'm still trying to sort out.

Launched into major overdrive in assisting Rachel of Rabbit Write with her next big project. Y'all should keep your eyes peeled on February 22. Let's just say that my browsing history is now clogged with a whole lot of smut (yay!).

Had a mini-meltdown over the weekend as personal problems grew to a massive head. I quietly chose to handle it by being anywhere but my own home for the entire weekend. Justin was great, keeping me (relatively) calm with homemade meals, Sara Lee cheesecake, Gilmore Girls, and hugs. I am now back at home and planning to tackle this coming week one day at a time.

I've got a busy week ahead of me. It will be stressful and overwhelming with work, school, and Forensics, but it will also be nice as I will be going into the Chicago to work on blogging things with my darling cousin. Wish me luck!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Happy Sunday! Well, not so happy for me. You'll learn why in just a hot second. Here's a recap of my week, just in case you missed it.

Chicago got hit by a blizzard. I was trapped in my house from Tuesday night until Friday morning. I spent that time doing homework and watching MSNBC.

Once I was able to get my car out of my driveway and gained the ability to see the world, I was struck down by a major cold. Today has been the worst day of the cold, hence why I am not having a happy Sunday. I was hoping to get out of the house and go somewhere to watch the Super Bowl, but I am instead chained to a box of Kleenex.

And then I found a magical unicorn living in my garage. OKAY, not really, but I feel pretty underwhelmed by my week. The blizzard impeded my ability to go out and experience the world and the cold has impeded my ability to give a shit about experiencing the world. Here's to making this coming week count!

Since I'm not doing anything on this Super Bowl Sunday, I want to know how you guys enjoyed your weekends. Any good snacks? Raucous parties?

"You actually expect me to go out there? I call shenanigans on this whole week!"

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Greetings, world! I'm coming to you live from the aftermath of the Chicago Blizzard of 2011/snOMG!/Snotorious B.I.G./Snoprah Winfrey. The streets in our subdivision are plowed, but my mom and I are snowed in as we have yet to figure out how we're going to free the cars from the shackles of snow.

Here's some photos of my new existence on Planet Hoth

High-top furniture

The front of my house?

That is a 6-foot fence!

I really don't know what to say about this snow, you guys. As you can see, we had some epic overnight snowfall. Not plowed or shoveled, the snow comes up to my waist. I'm 5' 9". I'm not going to do the math. The dogs don't know what to do. Luckily for them, the snow drifted overnight and created a path along the side of the house. We have four cars in our driveway, so a snow-blower is not going to be helpful. Neither is a two-woman shoveling team comprised of a 135-pound twentysomething with a shitty back and a fortysomething physically disabled mother. Sooooo we're not thinking about the driveway. It's a self-preservational instinct. But don't worry about us. We've got plenty of white wine and snacks to last us a couple days, at least.

Any other Chicagoans reading? Tell me about your blizzard experience. If you've got photos, I want to see them.