Date: Sat, 17 Dec 2005 15:45:23 EST
From: Jetjt@aol.com
Subject: Ron and Bryan: Alan and Bryan
The following short story was my first attempt at writing a fictional piece
over three years ago. It was this story that gave me the confidence to
start writing Ron and Bryan, which led later into Ron and Matt and
Empire. I hope you will enjoy it.
This story is a work of gay fiction. If the subject matter is offensive to
you or you are too young, please exit now. This work is the property of the
author and may not be reproduced without permission.
John Tucker JETjt@aol.com. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
ALAN AND BRYAN
A Story of Love
Chapter One
His broken body was nearly healed. The beautiful body, which had
carried Bryan through his teen years, now carried the consequences of the
trauma that he had suffered. What didn't show was the hurt within.
Bryan sat in a daze on the living room sofa, deep in thought. The biggest
decision in his life lay before him. He carefully considered the emotions
coursing through his mind and body, and the realities of life, knowing that
regardless of the decision he made, his life would change forever. Now, at
22 years of age, Bryan clearly remembered the past that had brought him to
this cusp, this crossroad where he must make a choice.
Bryan had known at a young age that he was gay. He had accepted
the fact without much trauma early in his teen years and without
remorse. He and his brother Dick were raised in Manhattan and shared a
closeness that only brothers, who were also best friends, could
appreciate. Theirs was an upper-middle class life with comfort, but not
extravagance a part of everyday life. Their father, Richard, was
successful and caring, yet sufficiently aloof that Bryan never shared his
sexual orientation with his parents. His mother was warm and totally
dedicated to their father and lovingly cared about her offspring.
Bryan and Dick, while close to their parents, had shared with each
other all the confidences that unqualified love and trust between two
brothers could offer. They grew up with little parental guidance in the
details of love and sex and discovered together, often on their own
initiative, those things that attracted them. Though their social
direction became, over time, as separate and different as their sexual
orientation, theirs was a bond that was strong and unwavering in spite of
any adversity that might arise. Dick did not understand Bryan's attraction
to guys, but after being convinced that it was not just a passing phase of
his younger brother's life, accepted his brother as being gay and gave his
love to his younger sibling unconditionally.
Bryan was totally delightful. He was smart, funny, and wonderful
to be around. He attracted friends like flies and not unexpectedly, under
the circumstances, had exchanged sexual favors with numerous youths with
whom he shared a mutual attraction.
Bryan was not particularly big in any department, but he was
notoriously good looking. He had a wonderful smile, proud nose and
gorgeous dark eyes. His hair was a mound of dark, almost black, hay framing
his cute face. His body, though not especially large or muscular, was
trim, hard, and smooth, all resulting in an eye pleasing package of young,
virile, temptation that complemented his friendly, carefree demeanor.
He had graduated from high school, and was in his second year of
non-spectacular performance in college when he met Jon. Jon was gorgeous
in Bryan's eyes. He was from across the river in New Jersey, but often
came to Manhattan to mingle with the other young guys who frequented the
city hangouts. As the two young men met amid circles of friends, their
attraction to each other became compelling. They soon became a couple,
professing their love to each other and to their friends. Jon was
gregarious and outgoing, but in falling for Bryan became focused on his
lover, and other friends became just secondary to his caring for his new
partner. Bryan, on the other hand, had a big and open heart. He maintained
his friendships with his other friends, even while being faithful and
totally in love with his young lover.
Bryan was an anomaly. In many ways he was wise to the ways of
life in the city, yet in other ways, he possessed the brashness of youth,
trying things with fearless abandon that older and wiser heads would have
easily avoided. These qualities delighted his friends who often made him
the center of their gatherings. One of his more casual friends was Alan, a
handsome social worker who Jon and Bryan knew from the streets of New York
where Alan applied his career. Alan was in his early 30s and spent most of
his work time intercepting youths who had left their unhappy home
situations, and who had come to seek their fortunes in the big city. Alan
knew the dangers that the city could bring to these unsuspecting and often
desperate, youngsters. Without the social and financial support of family
and friends, these youths, male or female, gay or straight, could easily
fall prey to seemingly friendly pimps and deviates. The livelihoods of
these vultures of the street were made by selling the "services" of those
hopeless youths, who, in despair, had given up on their own ability to
successfully survive in the jungle of the city. Alan enjoyed, but had
limited time for the handsome couple, who had little need for his expertise
or help. Being gay himself, he admired these cute guys, but his profession
forbade any personal involvement except as a friendly advisor or confidant.
Bryan kept no secret from his friends that he was gay and that he
loved Jon. He, himself, had felt no inner struggle to accept himself or
the lifestyle of a gay youth, and he had difficulty understanding how
others could condemn him for something that he had no part in becoming. He
and Jon were equally accepted within their group of friends who had taken
the handsome lovers to their bosom. This knowledge and openness had not
extended to Bryan's parents. While he had always felt much trust, warmth
and affection, he had chosen not to reveal his sexuality to them, since
they had always avoided any willingness to discuss personal and intimate
subjects. In spite of this vacuum, they never had shown any indications of
homophobia. Subjects of a sexual nature had always been taboo within the
household thus the subject was treated almost as if the world existed
without it. During his growing years, Bryan simply had avoided at home any
outward appearance of his sexual leanings, an avoidance made easy by his
parents' lack of probing into his private life.
Bryan was in love and Jon was the young man of his heart and
dreams. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Bryan's joy in his love
was too great to contain, and he wanted to share his elation with the man
he most revered and loved, his father. In spite of Jon's misgivings, Bryan
decided to expose the depths of his feelings for his handsome lover. When
he felt he could wait no longer, Bryan met with his father, while Jon
waited outside at the front of Bryan's house. While his younger son
professed the love he felt for Jon, Bryan's father became flushed as the
meaning of his son's revelation became clear. Confirming his love for his
partner, Bryan in turn revealed Jon's returned love for him. Bryan also
explained clearly that his sexual orientation was a natural part of his own
being, and in his own heart, immutable and permanent.
Like an unexpected explosion, Bryan's father suddenly erupted in a rage of
contempt, screaming derogatory and demeaning names at his astonished son as
he ordered his queer son out of his home and his life. He made it
abundantly clear that Bryan was no longer his son, nor would he ever again
be tolerated within his sight.
Bryan's spirit was crushed as he quickly retreated to his room
where he gathered a few belongings into a small backpack. In tears he
descended the front steps of his parents' home, a home that now denied his
very existence. Jon was there for him and, seeing his condition, held open
his arms enveloping his lover. After a few moments they pulled apart and
Bryan took Jon's hand in his, picking up his small backpack with the
other. After Bryan took one last look, they walked away leaving the
neighborhood of Bryan's youth to find a life together in the City they both
knew and loved.
Chapter Two
As Bryan sat on the sofa, he recounted the happy days with Jon, the days
before the disaster that had changed their lives and the night that had
sent their futures veering off in unimagined directions.
Jon and Bryan entered into their lives living on the streets with a
joy and enthusiasm that could only be a reflection of their shared love for
each other. The happiness of being together made any hardship a minor,
temporary obstacle. The young men had many friends and possessed a
knowledge of living on the streets that only a native of the City could
fully comprehend. Just when necessary did they take on odd jobs for
spending money, enjoying the unfettered freedom they had never before
known. The City was full of wonder and opportunities for life experiences.
Their security was not an address with its obligations, but the love and
trust they found in each other, which they demonstrated whenever possible
with the physical exchanges of love making. It was love that made the
anticipation of each new day so exciting. Never lacking a place to sleep,
they stayed briefly in shelters when other, better options were not open to
them. Most often, they stayed with their friends, always bringing a small
gift or bottle of inexpensive wine to show their appreciation.
They felt no pressure to "get on with their lives", but rather
treasured their daily existence, confident in their ability to master the
challenges as they occurred. The youths continued and even expanded their
circle of friends. This circle provided the support needed for their lives
on the street, but they were careful to be self sufficient as much as
possible, so they would not become a burden to the others whose lives were
often also on a tenuous string. The support they received was exchanged
for support given, often to others who had needs that could be filled by
the young partners. Whether it was with physical help or psychological,
this loose arrangement of exchanged help was the network that provided not
only a comfortable, if sparse existence, but also the very freedom that
made their lives so rewarding.
Alan knew of the young men's situation. He admired their courage
and ability to thrive in the City with little visible means of support.
Offering only friendship and advice, he none-the-less felt a touch of envy
for the love they shared.
Alan was himself gay, but unattached after an earlier unsuccessful straight
marriage, keeping himself buried in the activity of his work and home. He
provided a nurturing shelter for his teenage son Rich, and continued his
education toward his doctorate degree while working full-time as a social
worker in the neighborhoods of the City. His busy life left little time
for an active personal life and his caring for those who needed his help
took their toll on his emotions.
Life in the City for those young and unprepared could be cruel and even
deadly. He stood as a shield against personal disaster, helping those in
distress where he and his coworkers could make a difference in young lives.
The endless stream of human needs, the lack of time for meaningful
involvement and the real personal pain suffered with the inevitable
failures inherent with his work, strained the capacity of his emotional
well-being. He loved his work even with its personal cost. He knew that he
made a real difference in many young lives even though the demands of his
challenging profession left little time to enjoy the successes. Bryan and
Jon were not one of his worries, as he applied his skills and efforts of
assistance to the needs of others.
Months passed and life changed little for the young men. The only
real low note in their lives was the irrevocable rejection of Bryan by his
father. Bryan kept in touch with his brother Dick, who sadly informed him
that Bryan's very name was forbidden in his parents' house. While Bryan's
mother might have accepted her loving son's sexuality, the opportunity
would not be possible since his memory was a piece of bad history in the
mind of his father, shut out and seemingly forgotten. Bryan's heart cried
out for the acceptance of this man who he so loved and admired. Only the
understanding and caring he received from Jon made the pain bearable.
Life on the streets was exciting for the young men. Bryan and Jon
enjoyed together all the pleasures that life had to offer. The sex was
great and survival at an acceptable level was not that hard. They often
laughed, remarking on the lives of those poor people who chained themselves
to jobs and family and who would never know the freedom of doing only what
they wanted without the baggage of responsibility
Their group of friends continued to expand and Bryan, in
particular, reveled in being at the center of attention, giving of his time
and caring to individuals and couples that he knew and liked. His wit and
humor was uplifting to those around him and the admiration of his peers
kept his spirits high. Jon, however, was becoming jealous of his partner's
attention to others and the attention they gave him. When he brought up the
subject, Bryan brushed the concern off lightly as unimportant. Because of
the deep love he felt and the trust he gave to his mate, he was sure that
his commitment was recognized and reciprocated by his partner. Even though
communing with friends was a natural and habitual part of Bryan's being, he
reasoned that his feelings for Jon were on a different and higher plain,
not subject to any competition from their friends.
On this subject Jon's mind was not compatible with those of his lover. His
whole world was Bryan. No one else mattered. At first the attention that
his handsome companion dispensed so freely to others began to disturb
him. His inner frustration and anger grew, due to his inability to become
the only focus of his lover's attention. Mentioning it to Bryan had been
futile as his lover blew his comments off with a verbal assurance of his
love. Bryan's continued inclusion of others into their lives became a
fertile bed for Jon's jealousy to flourish, seemingly unseen and unrealized
by his life's only love.
One evening, like so many others before, Bryan and Jon were hanging
out with their friends with Bryan, as usual, in the middle of the crowd.
Bryan, always the center of attention, spent most of this time talking and
laughing with their friends, much to Jon's growing irritation. Recognizing
that his partner was unhappy and chafed, Bryan left with Jon to be by
themselves. Sensing that Jon must have been feeling ignored and
remembering his partner's complaint, Bryan decided on focusing his body and
his whole being toward fulfilling his mate's need for uninterrupted
attention. As they walked the streets toward their night's shelter, Jon
guided Bryan into a dark alley where they could be alone. Bryan seized
gratefully the opportunity for privacy that would afford a quick, if not
full demonstration of his caring. He was certain he could make up for his
lack of exclusive attention to Jon, the lover he had unwittingly and
unintentionally ignored for the previous few hours.
As they moved deep into the alleyway, Bryan was suddenly struck
from behind, knocking him off his feet! Too stunned to even think clearly,
he immediately thought they had been attacked by muggers. Kicks and fists
poured down on his prostrate body as he tried helplessly to cover himself
to ward off the blows of his attacker. In spite of his pain and agony, he
thought only for the safety of his lover. With shock and disbelief, he
suddenly realized that the man he loved so, the man who owned his heart was
his assailant. Bryan's will to resist faded in the cloud of pain and
confusion that engulfed him
Acting in a fit of jealous rage, Jon continued to viciously hit and kick
the bloodied body and head, stomping on Bryan's hands, the very hands that
had caressed him with such tenderness. His victim dropped into
unconsciousness as he took the full force of the repeated impact of
sadistic boots slamming savagely into his face.
When, at last, Jon's rage was spent and the consequences of his attack
crept back into reality, he staggered drunkenly out of the alley sobbing,
abandoning the bloody, dying form of his lover to the elements of the
night.
Chapter Three
Bryan wept as he thought about his lost love and the joy that they had
shared together. It had all ended so suddenly, and had nearly cost him his
life.
The cellular phone rang once, then again. Alan pressed the `talk button and
said
"Hello?"
"Is this Alan?" a youthful voice sobbed.
"Yes it is," Alan replied, "How can I help you?"
The youth's words were garbled with emotion as the confession poured forth.
"Oh Alan, you have to help him!" the voice wailed, "I beat him up and left
him to die!"
"Jon, is that you?" Alan responded, suddenly recognizing the young man's
voice. "Who did you beat up, and where did you leave him?" Alan asked,
fearing that he knew the answer to at least one of his questions.
"It was Bryan" Jon replied with a sob.
After hearing the dreaded answer, Alan again demanded, then received the
location of the alleyway where Bryan lay unconscious.
"Call me later," Alan said as he quickly broke the connection.
Alan sprang into action like the professional that he had become. He
immediately dialed 911, gave the dispatcher all the required information,
then made another call to his work teammate explaining the situation and
informing her that he was off-duty. Sprinting to his van, he raced to the
alley where Bryan lay. Grabbing a flashlight, he ran up the dark alley just
as the paramedics arrived at the alleyway entrance with lights flashing and
sirens blaring. Alan quickly saw the huddled, bloody form before him, but
didn't touch him, as he could tell that the injuries were far beyond his
first aid training.
"Over here!" he called, as the paramedic team trotted up the alley, gear in
hand.
The team moved with swift and careful motions. This scene was not
foreign to them and they handled the work with the skill and
professionalism developed through much experience. Quickly, they took
Bryan's vital signs and checked for injuries, and after applying splints to
the injured limbs and attaching a neck support collar, they carefully moved
him onto a backboard so that they could place him on the portable
gurney. Bryan was covered with blood and his face was a mass of injuries.
After carefully inserting an IV into a mangled arm, and tucking in the warm
blanket they had placed over the youth, the paramedics lifted the gurney
and quickly, but gently, rolled it to the vehicle for transport.
Alan asked the name of the hospital where Bryan was destined, then remained
for a few minutes to answer questions from a policeman who had arrived
during the paramedics' recovery operation. He told the officer about the
phone call, but said that the caller did not give his name. The officer
knew Alan. The City police and the social workers in the City had an
unspoken bond. They each knew that there were limits to their own
organization's ability to deal with all the problems on the street. They
knew that if conditions warranted, each agency would be called on for help
in their own area of expertise. Asking Alan questions relating to the
incident, the officer filled out his report, then told Alan he could leave,
explaining that he and the other officers would remain to search the scene
of the crime for evidence.
Arriving at the hospital, Alan hurried to the emergency room, a
room with which he had become far too familiar. Since Bryan was not in
sight, the social worker walked to the admitting desk, inquiring as to his
whereabouts and condition. The admitting clerk recognized Alan and made a
special effort to be helpful. Alan revealed to her Bryan's family
estrangement and offered, uncharacteristically, to be responsible for
Bryan's expenses.
Thinking that this offer was official, the clerk quickly agreed and
prepared papers for Alan to sign. He then asked the clerk to notify the
attending physician that he wished to see him, as soon as conditions would
permit. Alan walked to the waiting area, got a cup of coffee from a
vending machine and waited nervously for the doctor.
After what seemed like hours of anxious concern, the E.R. doctor
emerged through double doors and approached Alan.
"He's in very bad shape, I'm afraid," the doctor reported. "His arms are
both fractured, he has two cracked ribs and his hands are badly mangled
from what appears to be the result of being crushed against the pavement.
He has massive hematomas all over his body from being kicked, especially in
the groin area. We're not certain whether or not any organs were injured,
or if he will have any brain damage, but the early signs give us hope. He
also has numerous lacerations on his body, but they are minor in nature.
What is of real concern, but not life threatening, are his nose and face.
They have been damaged beyond easy repair. Extensive plastic surgery will
be required to restore his nose functionally, as well as cosmetically. His
broken teeth will also require the attention of an oral surgeon. Finally,
he has not regained consciousness but is being continually monitored and is
on oxygen."
Pausing momentarily while Alan absorbed the information, the doctor then
continued,
"We nearly lost this young man twice, but he's strong and has a will to
live. He's now stabilized and we've set the broken bones. We've placed him
in the ICU and he's receiving medications to relieve the pain and to
improve his condition. We've also ordered more tests and, assuming that he
is better in the morning, we'll operate on his nose and perhaps his mouth,
to begin those parts of the reconstruction." The doctor looked at the
weary man before him.
"There is nothing you can do here tonight," he advised the tired young
man. "I suggest that you go home and get some rest. Leave your phone
number at the nurse's station, and they will call you if there is any
change in his condition."
Alan, feeling helpless to do more, reluctantly took the doctor's advice.
As he drove wearily back to the office to turn in his agency vehicle, he
had time to revisit the thoughts that had coursed through his mind while
waiting for the doctor. His heart wept over the cruelty of fate, that this
young man, who delighted so many and who supported and helped those who
needed his care, should be the victim of love gone wrong.
Alan thought about his job. He saw in his work every day, streets full of
ruined and desperate lives. Many nights he came home devastated, personally
feeling the pain of the victims of the City's inhumanity. The wall that he
had built to protect himself emotionally was not impervious. `How can you
make people believe that you really care if it's only a fašade?' he thought
in frustration. He knew that his job took its emotional toll, but he
accepted it because in spite of frustrations that were inherent in his
work, he loved his job. The small successes, making a difference in
people's lives, made it all seem worthwhile.
Now he was faced with Bryan and Jon. It tore him apart knowing that this
gentle and beautiful youth was now in the hospital, fighting for his life.
His thoughts moved to Jon, who he had just saved from years in jail by his
silence: `Should he continue to protect him?' He wasn't sure, but he knew
that Jon's actions caused an anger within himself and a call for
justice. He knew that retribution was wrong, but he also knew that there
had to be a price paid for this wanton act of violence. He decided to put
off dealing with Jon until the full extent of Bryan's condition was
known. With a steely resolve, Alan committed himself to Bryan's well-being
and care, even though his training insisted that he remain detached and not
become personally involved. He accepted that he was being foolish, that it
violated every tenet of his profession, and that he risked heartbreak for
himself by becoming personally attached to this young man. For once, he
didn't care. Bryan needed his help and he knew that he would never forgive
himself if he didn't do all he could for his younger friend.
Alan awoke the next day at his regular time, though he had been
able to get only half his normal amount of sleep. `Why am I so tired,' he
thought groggily. Then he remembered. He quickly got out of bed,
dispensed with his morning hygienic functions, and descended the staircase
to the kitchen. Alan smelled coffee as he approached the room. Rich was
there.
Alan's teenage son had made coffee and was sitting at the table. "I made
some coffee Dad, I knew you got in late---- Problems?"
"Yes," Alan replied. "A nice young man I know from my work on the streets
was attacked by his lover and I took him to the hospital. He was beaten
severely and is in critical condition. I want to help him if I can."
Rich smiled at his father. "What happened to the `No Involvement Policy',
huh?" Rich asked grinning.
"This is different," Alan explained. "Bryan is a young friend, and he
really needs help and someone who cares."
"Yeah, sure Dad. Is he cute?"
Alan looked sadly at his son and answered softly, "He used to be."
Rich knew from the tears in his father's eyes that enough had been
said. He arose from the table, and looking at his father trustingly, he
announced, "Dad, you know I will support you with whatever you have to do."
With that assurance, he gave his father a hug and left the kitchen for his
room.
Over his morning cup of coffee, Alan called the hospital. Upon
reaching the attending physician and identifying himself, the doctor
consulted Bryan's chart and reported, "He's had a rough night, but he is
doing as well as can be expected. He's lapsing in and out of consciousness
and is not really aware of what is going on. The good news is that there
appears to be no permanent damage except to his nose and face. Unless
there is brain damage or internal injuries that have not as yet surfaced,
he stands a good chance of a full recovery. Surgeons are presently working
on his face and he should be back in the ICU within the hour. He can't
receive visitors today, but if you come by around 3 o'clock, I`ll permit
you so see him for a minute. It's unlikely that he will be awake or will
recognize you, so don't be too hopeful," the physician warned. "His body is
doing all it can to survive and recover."
Alan thanked the Doctor and asked again to be notified if Bryan's condition
changed. The young social worker hung up the phone and forced himself into
his daily routine at home, knowing that activity was his own best medicine.
At 11:15 the phone rang. Fearing the worst, Alan picked it up
almost with dread. "Hello."
A terrified voice on the other end spoke. "Alan, this is Jon..... How's
Bryan?
Alan felt sudden anger as he replied, "He's alive but almost died, thanks
to you." Immediately regretting his words, Alan continued. "Thank God that
you had the sense to call me or you would now be in jail for murder.
Another hour and we'd have lost him."
"Can I see him?" Jon asked brokenly.
"No, he is slipping in and out of consciousness and can't receive visitors,
especially you." Alan could hear the young man on the other end of the line
begin to cry.
"What will happen to me?" The young man blubbered almost incoherently .
"I haven't turned you into the police yet," Alan responded. "I haven't yet
decided what to do with you, but you WILL do what I say or you'll be in
jail so fast that you won't have time to brush your teeth."
The young man responded, "Sure, I'll do whatever you want. ... I'm so, so
sorry."
"You will meet me at the north corner of Central Park at 4:30 today at
110th and Eighth Avenue. Don't be late," Alan insisted.
"I'll be there," Jon replied. "...and... Alan,... thank you for saving
Bryan."
"Don't thank me yet," came the response. "I have some thinking to do. You'd
just better pray that Bryan recovers."
With that said, Alan hung up the phone and began to prepare for his visit
to the hospital, his meeting with Jon, and yet another night on the City
streets.
Chapter Four
As Bryan thought about the decision that was yet to be made, he remembered
his time in the hospital, but in that memory there was a dark period that
he only knew from what Alan had told him.
Arriving at the hospital, Alan went to the E.R. admitting desk and
asked for the doctor with whom he had spoken earlier, giving his name and
Bryan's. The doctor soon appeared with a smile on his face.
"I think the worst is definitely over," he commented. "The patient is
coming around for longer periods of time, but he still is not coherent. We
are not particularly worried about it, but there could be some brain
damage. His brain scans are good, but we can't really see everything."
The doctor led Alan into the ICU and he could see his young friend covered
with casts and bandages with tubes sticking out all over. It was hard to
imagine that this poor creature was the same smiling, happy young man that
Alan remembered.
" I believe he's out of danger, and we've taken him off the critical list,"
the doctor commented, "If he has a good night and continues to improve,
we'll move him to a room in the morning. I think we can expect him to stay
awake for longer periods, and probably begin understanding where he is. It
could happen at any time," the physician concluded.
After again thanking the doctor for his help, Alan headed for his van. It
was time for his meeting with Jon.
As he approached the corner where he was to meet Jon, Alan spotted
the young man who he thought was Jon, but he wasn't initially sure. The
young man he knew, while not fastidious in his appearance, always looked
clean and neat even if a bit rumpled. The Jon that he approached was dirty,
his face was streaked and his clothing askew. Alan closed the distance to
the young man he finally recognized, and grasping his arm lightly, said,
"Lets take a walk."
They wandered into the park and after a few minutes of silence, Alan guided
his former friend to a bench where the older man indicated they would sit.
"Tell me," Alan demanded.
"Tell you what?" asked Jon, though he knew what Alan was looking for.
"Why?" Alan asked.
The young man buried his face in his hands, and wept.
"I....I loved him so much," he sobbed, "He was the center of my life."
After a moment, Jon continued haltingly, "I couldn't bear that I was not
the center of his. When we were with others, I was in the background and he
didn't even know I was there. ... It drove me wild. ... I tried to not
make it a big deal... but it was to me. .... Finally, I couldn't stand it
anymore! I know it's no excuse for the terrible things I did, but it's the
truth...Now I'm so lost, I don't even know what to do. I'm so sorry, and so
scared."
Alan said gently, "You know you've lost him forever."
It was a statement, not a question! Jon looked stricken, as if someone had
stabbed him with a knife.
"Oh no! Please tell me it's not true!" the young man pleaded.
Grimly Alan continued, "It's the price you have to pay to stay out of jail!
You will never see him again! Further, you will stay off of these streets
for a year! If I see you here, I will turn you in. Go back to New Jersey
and get your life together. Perhaps Bryan will forgive you some day, but I
know he will never trust you again. Your friends here will have nothing to
do with you once they find out what you have done to Bryan, so go home, or
just go away! I don't care. I just don't want to see your face."
Jon's world had vanished, and now he knew it. He felt lost and empty
inside. He asked, "Did Bryan say he didn't want to ever see me again?" the
youth entreated.
"No, it's my decision and make no mistake about it, NEVER is the key word!
If you loved him, if you still love him, that is your punishment--- live
with it!" You will not talk with him, you will not write him, and you'll
have no communication with him whatsoever. If you care about him, and want
to know how he is doing, you can call me. That's all. If you try to see
him now, in 5 years or in 10 years, I promise you will do time. For your
own sake, I hope you understand me!"
Broken and beaten in spirit, Jon asked, "Is he going to be alright?" with
defeat showing on his face.
"No one knows for sure. He is still incoherent, though some signs are
favorable. He is no longer your concern," Alan continued coldly. "We have
hopes, but he will never be the same Bryan that you knew. You can thank
yourself for that!"
"What will he do?" Jon asked.
"That is now my responsibility, not yours," Alan responded. The older man
looked sternly at Jon and concluded, "Have I made myself clear? The offer
to stay out of jail is one time only. I am so angry about this, that I
could personally strangle you!"
"Yes, it's clear," the young man stated as he rose and slowly began to walk
away, saying softly and dejectedly, "... and I wish you would!"
Alan watched, as the young man walked with faltering steps, stooped
shoulders and hanging head, out of the park and out of their lives.
Chapter Five
Even now as Bryan sat on the sofa, by thinking about it, he could feel
traces of the wounds, now healed. Not so long ago, he was lying in the
hospital bed, not knowing where he was or what lay in store for him.
Bryan's eyes opened and he looked at the nearly white room. He felt
entombed, by the casts, and bandages and from tubes projecting from his
body. A large bandage protected the area that had once been his proud nose
and his eyes were swollen, making it difficult to see. `What has happened
to me?' he wondered, `Where am I?' As his groggy senses began to clear, he
realized that he was in a hospital bed. `How did I get here, I don't
remember coming here?'
Minutes later a nurse stuck her head in the door, and seeing that Bryan was
awake, entered. "Well, how are we feeling?" she asked . "Well, I don't
know about you," he said in a voice barely louder than a whisper, "but I
feel like shit"
The nurse laughed and said, "I'm happy you are doing better. I'm going to
get the doctor." She passed through the door, and minutes later, returned
with a man dressed in a white coat and the ever-present stethoscope
dangling from his neck.
"Nurse Peterson told me that you were awake and cognizant. I am so
pleased," he remarked as he approached the bed.
"How long have I been here," Bryan asked.
"This is your third day," came the answer. "You arrived Sunday morning and
today is Tuesday. Now lie still for a few moments while I examine you, then
you can ask more questions."
The doctor, attended by the nurse, checked all of Bryan's vital signs,
tapped and poked, asking again and again, "Does that hurt?"
"Yes" was the most frequent answer, however the young patient was not in
great pain, due to the medication that continued to make him drowsy. The
doctor, at last, seemed satisfied and spent a few minutes adding
information to Bryan's chart. Bryan's eyes closed, then opened slowly, as
the physician completed his work.
Bryan asked, "How did I get here?"
The medical man looked down at his patient and responded, "You were brought
in by paramedics, after you were found badly injured in an alley. A young
social worker called 911 and met the paramedics where you were found, then
he followed you here. He stayed until you were out of immediate danger and
has been back each day to see you.
"Has Alan been here today?" Bryan asked knowing for sure that his rescuer
was his friend. "No, not yet I believe. .... Well, now I have to get back
to my rounds. I'll be back to see you later. Rest! It is the best thing
for you. If you are in pain, call the nurse and she can administer some
additional pain medication."
The young man already doped-up with drugs, drifted off to sleep.
Later Bryan awoke. He sensed that someone was in the room as he slowly
came out of his stupor. Alan was sitting in a chair near his bedside.
"Hi," Bryan said weakly. He tried to smile, but realized that it resulted
in pain from his injured mouth and nose.
"Hi yourself," Alan replied. "Welcome back." He gently touched Bryan's
bare shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "How are you feeling?" Without waiting
for an answer Alan asked, "Do you need a nurse, or can I get you anything?"
"No, I don't need anything and I'm too tired to even think about it, but
I'm really so glad that you're here."
Tears appeared in Bryan's eyes.
"I feel so helpless," he said. "Thank you for saving me."
"You're welcome my friend. Just know that I'm here for you. Don't worry
about a thing. Your only job is to get better. The doctor says that you'll
be fine," Alan said reassuringly.
"Has Jon been here?"
It was the dreaded question, but Alan replied truthfully,
"No, and I'm afraid he won't be coming here either. You know, don't you,
that he's the one who did this to you?"
The memory of the beating returned and the young man nodded. He was
consumed with a deep sense of grief and loss. Now the tears flowed freely.
"Where is he now?" Bryan asked.
"He's free, but has gone away. We'll talk about this when you are feeling
stronger." Alan answered, closing that topic. "I'm sorry, but I have to
leave and get on to work. I'm so glad you're getting better. I'll come
back every day, as long as you are here."
Bryan looked at his friend and said, "Thanks. You don't know how much your
visit means to me."
Alan rose from the chair and as he stepped toward the door, he turned,
looked into Bryan's eyes and said gently, "You'll get through this. Believe
me, I won't abandon you!" Alan then grinned and said, "You can be sure that
I'll keep an eye on you, even if it's just to make sure you don't make a
pass at one of the cute interns and mess up your recovery!" He winked at
Bryan, said "Bye," and turning, walked out the door. Bryan painfully
smiled.
Days, then weeks passed. Days full of pain, days with surgeries on
his damaged face, days of small victories and days of disappointments, days
of helplessness. Bryan had had two major operations on his damaged nose,
yet now this once proud feature was smaller and no longer prominent. It
wasn't that it looked bad, but it looked different. Bryan felt that he had
lost his identity, and that the young man looking back at him in the mirror
was almost a stranger. His teeth had also been capped since the violence
he had suffered left him with painful shards, where once shiny teeth had
accented a cute grin.
A cast on one arm had finally been removed, almost prematurely, allowing
him some ability to care for his personal needs, needs that he, earlier,
had been forced to leave to others. Even though he had never been "body
shy" he still was embarrassed at being unable to attend fully to either his
hygienic or bodily function needs, forcing him to accept the help of
strangers to take care of his most personal tasks. He felt it was almost
degrading. His recovery was at a snail's pace and he was incredibly
bored. His body slowly repaired itself, but he couldn't wait to become
fully mobile again. He no longer was on pain medication, but the cloudy
stupor and drowsiness it provided, had helped to pass the time with sleep
and lack of awareness of the passing hours. Now he was fully awake, and
impatient to leave, but he had nowhere to go, and no one to go to.
Alan had been his faithful visitor and confidant. The young social
worker, true to his promise to himself, had been there to support and
encourage the young man in his recovery. Bryan had come to look forward
eagerly to the daily visits from this man who he knew had sacrificed a
substantial chunk of his limited time for his young friend. The youthful
patient had always admired this handsome person and now Bryan came to
depend on him to lift his spirits from the gloom of depression and
self-pity that looked for a spot to nest, in place of Bryan's once
lighthearted outlook on life.
Alan was not going to let it happen! Bryan had few other visitors besides
his mentor during recovery. His brother Dick had visited often. Bryan
loved his visits, but each visit was a reminder of his rejection by his
parents. Dick could not offer the stability of Alan, as he himself was
struggling to establish his place in the world, free from dependency on
their parents. Other friends visited also, but those visits became fewer
as he regained his health.
One visitor that Bryan would recall later with mirth, was a young,
cute teen, that the patient immediately assumed to be a Candy Striper.
Bryan had become restless waiting for Alan's visit of the day and when the
youth appeared, he ordered the young man about, telling him to "bring this"
or "fix that"! The youth cheerfully responded and engaged Bryan in casual
conversation as he performed his requested tasks. In a desperate need to
defecate, Bryan pleaded with the youth to assist him, mentioning that,
because of his broken arms, assistance with toilet paper was an
embarrassing but necessary part of the task. The young man hesitated, and
then agreed, helping Bryan make his way to the bathroom, seating him on the
toilet, then standing by until Bryan was finished. Once the necessary
cleanup deed was done, the youth helped the injured young man back to his
bed, sat himself down in a nearby chair and began engaging in entertaining
conversation. Bryan was grateful for the help from the youngster and for
the interruption of his boredom. His attitude slowly improved as he passed
the time with the handsome teen. . `The hospital should have more guys
like that,' Bryan thought after the lengthy visit. Alan arrived a short
while later and finding Bryan in good spirits, engaged in light -hearted
banter and joking that was uncharacteristic of Bryan's often serious, but
now cheerful friend.
The following day Bryan's doctor informed the young man during his
early rounds that it was nearing the time that he would be
discharged. Bryan had nowhere to go. Jon had disappeared, and none of his
old friends offered or were able to accept the burden of caring for a young
man still an invalid. Bryan's brother wanted to help, but he barely was
able to provide for himself, much less a brother with nearly constant needs
for assistance. A worry for his future that Bryan felt from his early
rational moments in the hospital became a cloud that hung over every waking
moment.
Later Alan arrived with a smile on his face. "I just spoke with
the doctor, and you're going to be discharged tomorrow." Alan reported.
The cloud of worry dropped on Bryan's shoulders.
Alan continued in a firm, but soft voice, "We'd like you to come and live
with us `til you are fully on your feet, if you're willing."
A smile, born of relief, appeared below Bryan's still bandaged nose. In a
few brief seconds, the smile quickly faded as he asked, "Who's `we'?"
Alan responded, "My son, Rich, and I. You know, you met him yesterday!"
Bryan's mouth dropped open in shock! `Oh God,' Bryan thought, `The kid I
ordered about like a servant and who I asked to wipe my ass! How could he
want me around?' "I'm so embarrassed," Bryan admitted, "I didn't know he
was your son, and I--- I'm afraid that I treated him badly."
Alan grinned. "Well, he seems no worse for the wear. I asked him to come
to meet you, because I wanted to invite you to stay with us until you are
completely well, and, of course, I wanted him to have a say in the
decision. He not only agreed, but he asked me to tell you that he is
looking forward to it!"
The relief and happiness on Bryan's face was evident. "Of course I'll
accept," Bryan responded. Then with a still voice and downcast eyes, he
continued, "You know that I have nowhere else to go... You don't have any
idea how much I appreciate the invitation! ... How can I ever repay your
generosity?"
Alan responded with a gentle smile, "Just get well! I miss the funny,
happy Bry that made me laugh, the delightful guy that I've come to care
about!"
With tears, in his eyes, Bryan pulled Alan to him, and as he clumsily gave
his friend a big hug, he said, gratefully, "Thanks."
Chapter Six
Yes, that was how I came to be here, Bryan remembered. It was the start of
a different but temporary life with these caring guys. He took a sip of
his diet Pepsi, and recalled his life here, a life of healing his wounds,
not all of them physical.
The van pulled into the drive, with its driver and two passengers.
Alan had been able to recover Bryan's few possessions from a friend's small
apartment where Bryan had spent his last happy days with Jon. Rich grabbed
Bryan's backpack, which contained what had been recovered and exited the
van. Alan took his young friend's arm as he unsteadily descended from his
shotgun perch. They moved together slowly and entered the small but
comfortable house on Long Island.
"This is your home for now," Alan offered reassuringly. "We want you to
feel welcome and part of our little family."
Bryan was greatly comforted by the warm welcome, and offered, "Please let
me help, as much as I can. I don't want to be a bigger burden than I
already am."
"I'm sure that can be arranged," Rich quipped. "Dad is a good cook, when he
puts his mind to it, but I hope you can cook too. When he's not here, I'm
stuck with cereal or leftovers! I'm ready for a little variety!"
"I hope you like peanut butter!" was Bryan's grinning retort.
Laughing, Rich took Bryan's bag to the guest room while Alan showed Bryan
around the house.
"Your job here is to recover," Alan advised. "We don't want you to do any
more than you're able. You still need lots of rest, and, of course, we have
to go back to the doctor for a while to keep tabs on your progress."
With those words, Alan showed Bryan his room and suggested that he might
want to rest due to the unaccustomed exertion the trip from the hospital
had taken. In spite of his reluctance to return to a bed after so recently
spending so much time in one, Bryan recognized the wisdom of the advice and
sank down on the flat surface, closed his eyes and was soon asleep. So
began Bryan's life in the home of Alan and Rich.
Days quickly passed for Bryan. While he was impatient to be fully
recovered, he thoroughly enjoyed life with his two hosts. As soon as he
was able, he began to take on small chores around the house to help. Rich
was a kick! He was like a small puppy, who pounced around with almost
fearless abandon, kidding Bryan and pulling small tricks on both his dad
and their guest. In one of his calmer moments, Rich sat down with Bryan and
they began talking. During the conversation, Rich revealed to Bryan that
he too was gay. Bryan had wondered if that might be the case, but decided
that he would never bring the subject up. That was for Rich to do, and only
if he wanted. Rich also confessed that he had a boyfriend named Brandt who
he'd kept away until he could tell Bryan. Bryan encouraged Rich not to let
his being there interfere with their relationship and that he looked
forward to meeting Brandt.
Bryan knew that Alan was gay too, but neither of his benefactors ever gave
the slightest hint of impropriety toward Bryan. Even though the three
young men would sometimes openly discuss their homosexuality, each
continually showed their appreciation for each other as individuals, almost
in spite of their common bond of sexuality. The caring that they casually
displayed opened a door of acceptance that filled Bryan with the warmth of
love and respect for these two young men.
Rich, of course, was a little devil. He was always getting into mischief
and was a source of glee to that not much older guy, who was fast becoming
a good friend. As time moved on, Bryan would often participate in the
little pranks, much to the pretended chagrin of Rich's father. Alan was
the stabilizing force in the home and offered a maturity that Bryan
discovered he missed since leaving the home of his parents. The older man
was carving a niche in Bryan's heart, demonstrating on a daily basis, a
care and tenderness far beyond that which Bryan had ever experienced even
with Jon. Both Alan and Bryan were attracted to each other, but both
avoided even the slightest sexual innuendo or advance that might lead to
disrupting their present status quo.
Bryan never even seriously considered approaching Alan in a sexual way. In
spite of his finding Alan attractive, Bryan's platform of security was so
tenuous that he shuddered at even considering `rocking the boat' in his
temporary environment. As he recovered, he tried to show his appreciation
for Alan by taking on tasks to make Alan's home life easier. Bryan took
over doing the wash and helped with the cooking and dishes. He had always
been a tidy person and as soon as he was able, took over the housecleaning
chores, even cautiously and jokingly admonishing Rich, when he didn't
pick-up after himself.
After living in the home of Alan and Rich for over two months, Alan asked
Bryan if he would like to go with him to the grocery store. Bryan's casts
and bandages had all been removed and he was regaining his strength, yet
Bryan felt a natural reluctance to go out into the world with his new face
and still weakened body. Alan was gently pushing his young friend back
into the sunlight, Bryan realized. As they traveled to the store, Bryan
marveled at the obviously intelligent and gentle man who always knew the
right thing to do. Surprisingly, Bryan realized how much he himself had
come to depend upon Alan's wisdom. Bryan recognized that, left to his own
devices, he would not have progressed so well or so far in rebuilding his
body and more importantly, his self-esteem. Bryan found himself with a
great appreciation for Alan that went far beyond normal friendship. He
declined to reveal his feelings toward the attractive man for fear that he
might be overstepping the bounds of Alan's generosity
Alan found that he was thoroughly enjoying Bryan's stay. The warm
companionship and returned caring that the younger man was eager to give
filled a void in Alan's life which he had kept at bay previously by
time-filling activity. He had dedicated his life to his work, his
education, his son and making a home for them. He had shut out much
opportunity for the inclusion of a companion in his life, reasoning that
there would be time for that when Rich was grown. Bryan's interjection into
their lives stirred Alan's mind into thinking beyond the shell that he had
built around his private life. Alan began to think of the possibility that
Bryan might remain and perhaps, even find a place in his heart for his
older friend who found himself falling in love with the younger man.
Unknown to Bryan, Alan had taken on a mountain of debt for medical bills
for his recovery. One morning, coming back from bringing in the mail,
Bryan glanced at the bundle and recognized return addresses on envelopes
from the hospital, from a lab, and from his doctor's office. Through the
clear plastic opening, in one of the letters, he saw his name.
Returning back inside, and knowing that Alan had left for work, he opened
the letter that carried his name. He was aghast at the staggering sum he
found on the statement. He noted that there was a credit for two payments
already made by Alan. Bryan tore open the other two envelopes, and was
overwhelmed by what he found that was similar inside.
He sank to his knees and cried, realizing the sacrifice his friend was
making on his behalf. Alan had never said a word, and Bryan now came to a
full recognition of the full toll that had been committed to by his
friend. Bryan felt an obligation that he was certain he could never
repay. This debt was far more than just the mammoth heap of dollars that
the bills represented. This obligation was for the love that the revelation
represented. Bryan sat weeping in shame and in gratitude for the very
being of his friend.
When Alan returned home from work late that night, he did not find Bryan.
He reasoned that Bryan might have gone to bed since Alan's work schedule
brought him home so late. Finding Bryan's bed empty, he continued on to
his own room, only to find the young man asleep on the floor where his now
peaceful face displayed evidence of shed tears. Alan saw the opened mail
on his bed and immediately knew what had happened. He bent down and picked
Bryan up without waking him. He returned to Bryan's room with his precious
bundle, depositing the sleeping form onto his own bed. Pulling off Bryan's
shoes, he covered the lithe body with a warm blanket and lightly kissed the
young man's cheek.
During the following weeks neither man spoke of the incident, yet a closer
bond grew that they both recognized, but that neither man would openly
acknowledge. Bryan could not help but look at this wonderful man and thank
the fates that brought them together. Alan, in spite of himself, found
that, beyond any doubt or denial, he was falling in love with this younger
man who filled his life with such joy.
Months passed and both men knew that Bryan's body was now healed and they
both realized that this condition signaled that it was time for Bryan to
move on. Neither man wanted this parting, but for personal reasons each
refused to challenge Bryan's impending departure.
Bryan had nowhere to go, but he could not continue to accept Alan's charity
and still retain some sense of self-dignity. He felt certain that he could
make it again on the streets, but looked with dread at leaving this warm
haven to face the city alone.
Alan knew that he had fallen in love with Bryan, a young man many years his
junior. How could Bryan return the love felt by this older man, that he
himself would have shunned at Bryan's age? Alan's heart was burdened with
doubt.
The evening before Bryan's scheduled departure, Alan found Bryan dejectedly
sitting on the living room sofa. Approaching his saddened friend and
summoning up all his courage, Alan knelt before the young man and took
Bryan's hands into his own.
Looking directly into Bryan's beautiful dark eyes, he began simply, but
tenderly, "Bryan, I want you to stay! Say you'll be mine."
Bryan looked back into the eyes of this wonderful man, knowing that the
statement went far beyond his simply remaining as a guest. Alan was asking
Bryan to be his mate! Bryan was in a state of blissful shock! He loved
this man more than he had ever admitted even to himself, but here he was
being asked for his hand as a life partner! Bryan only knew that he
desperately needed time to consider this life-changing proposal. His eyes
filled with tears.
"Alan, you know how much I care for you. Please, I just need some time to
think this out." Bryan begged.
"Alright," Alan responded in an almost dejected voice. "How much time do
you need?"
"I'll decide now, tonight," the younger man answered quietly. "I just need
some time to be sure of this and to make certain that my decision is
right... for the both of us. It wouldn't be fair or right to leave you
hanging...Just know that whatever my decision is, I care for you more than
I can express... and that I'm eternally grateful for all you've done for
me."
"I'll be in my room awaiting your answer," Alan said with a hopeful look, a
look that held the promise of a future for both men as partners and lovers.
With that said, Alan kissed Bryan's hands, then rose and ascended the
stairway to his room.
Epilogue
Bryan remained on the sofa, almost motionless for the two hours since Alan
had departed. The memories of his entire life coursed through his brain,
bringing him to this pivotal point in his life. He debated whether his
feelings for Alan were of gratitude, a feeling of obligation, of just
admiration or a selfish need for the security that the older man offered.
His feelings were strong for this handsome man and he knew that his
decision had to be made on more than just the strong physical attraction he
had at last allowed himself to recognize. He knew that a decision to stay
would mean the end of the "no obligation" carefree existence that he had
known earlier, but now he was coming to realize that with acceptance of
those obligations came the commitment of love and the sharing of the bad
times as well as the good with his partner. He looked at his open back
pack near the outside door as he made his irrevocable decision.
Bryan stood. He moved to the backpack and grasping it by the
straps, he opened the hall closet door depositing it on the floor of the
closet. Then quietly closing the door that now separated him from his
worldly possessions; he turned and started up the stairway to begin a new
life. A life with the man he now knew he loved more than life itself.
The End of the beginning, and the beginning of a life of love
John Tucker (aka JET)