Seeing Through Darknesshttps://admiralprice.wordpress.com
finding a personal vision through my own darknessTue, 26 Sep 2017 06:44:37 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://s2.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.pngSeeing Through Darknesshttps://admiralprice.wordpress.com
30 Word Ghazalhttps://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/06/30-word-ghazal/
https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/06/30-word-ghazal/#respondTue, 07 Dec 2010 01:16:52 +0000http://admiralprice.wordpress.com/?p=92]]>A Ghazal: it is a poetic form originating from the Arab world and traveling to most of the Muslim world. It is composed of couplets. Each couplet has a refrain, which is repeated in the second line of the couplet. The first couplet has the refrain at the end of each line. The last couplet often has a “takhallus,” where the poet inserts a mention of oneself (often talking to oneself).

Incorporating it into a thirty word story: There’s a refrain (with the refrain pattern repeated). I try to keep each couplet to two sentences. Each story must be a scene in and of itself. There is no continuity between the stories. The story can go no more or no less than thirty words. Comment and critique please!

Nose receded into the skull; a nub decorating a handsome face that’s been punched in. Bleeding, wheezing, coughing, sneezing: “Sir, I’m sorry: but your death time card’s been punched in.”

Skin was supposed to keep it all in, but yours wasn’t quite like that. Blood, flesh, guts, and shit: all strewn across the floor, with the outward having been punched.

Standing, watching, the ebb and flow of fish and shells crashing against the shoal shore. Music sputters and a plume of smoke: the stereo beside you has been punched in.

Your lips touch the mouth of the opened bottle, and water rushes down your prickly throat. The red crumbs fly into the sky, the red sandstone having been punched in.

Glittery winds swirls all around us, a tornado that pelts with perfume and sparkles. You tame your mane with a delicate paw, a teary eyed tigress having been punched in.

You felt the wind take off your cap, and when you reached to grab it you realized: oh child of Jacob, your hand outstretched, your consciousness has been punched in.

]]>https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/06/30-word-ghazal/feed/0AdmiralPriceMy Experience With Psychological Determinism and Religious Responsibilityhttps://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/05/my-experience-with-psychological-determinism-and-religious-responsibility/
https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/05/my-experience-with-psychological-determinism-and-religious-responsibility/#respondSun, 05 Dec 2010 11:16:10 +0000http://admiralprice.wordpress.com/?p=88]]>Bad stuff has happened to me in life. Bad stuff has happened to a lot of us in life. Hell, it’s life, and bad stuff happens. The question, however, is how does one deal with said bad stuff. Now, without going into detail, when I say “bad stuff,” I’m not talking about “my mom never liked me” type of regular teenage angst. I’m talking about, well, pretty bad stuff.

And so, dealing with said bad stuff, my teenage years were a disaster. I barely remember them. I do, however, remember the gist: everyone sucks, I hate the world, screw everyone, yadda yadda yadda. Please remember, however, while all this might look somewhat normal (or, rather, not uncommon), don’t sell me short when I say, “trust me, it wasn’t common.”

One of the things that greatly contributed to my angst was my interest in psychology. The world, you see, had dished out brutal punishment on me, and I had become as I was. Disrespectful, heedless, suicidal. This kind of grammatical passivity of life is, I find, quite common in the students I have in the local Youth Education Program (YEP). I am always the subject, but the sentence is in passive voice (unless describing how cool I am, in which case there is no passive). I was wronged by my teacher. I am disliked by my teacher. In another variation of the same type of sentence, we replace “I” with “me”. My teacher wronged me. My teacher hates me. This was very similar to my own sentence structure, though my teachers disliking me was the least of my concern.

My exposure to sociology and psychology, in my opinion, allowed my an “out,” as it were. I was not responsible for my behavior. I was not responsible for the way I feel, or the way I interact with people. Those years of my life of pain and suffering, and the people that inflicted it, are responsible. This type of thinking gave me a leeway to do whatever I wanted without questioning my moral responsibility in doing it. Allah, Rabbur Rahman, you see would appreciate what I went through and be on my side (and yes, I love free indirect speech in relating thoughts and dialogue).

This way of thinking, this responsibility-less and objectified way of life, also produced a great amount of suffering. I am not who I say I am, I am that which people have forced me to be. One can imagine how devastating this way of thinking might be. The eternal object feels completely cut off from any agency. I can’t do my work because I am depressed, and my depression is brought on by such and such. Frustration, agitation, objectification.

And this is where I’ve truly come to appreciate religious morality and the words of the Prophet (SAW). Religion in general, and in my particular case Islam, is truly an emancipating force. It’s not as if Allah (SWT) is unaware of what happened to me, or what happens to abused individuals. That abuse, however, isn’t a free-pass for immorality, a get-out-of-jail-free card. The abused individual is just as morally responsible as the un-abused one.That’s not to say Allah (SWT) isn’t aware of suffering and pain.

Suhaib reported that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it. (Book #042, Hadith #7138)

This hadith, for me, says it all. Notice how the strangeness, the amazing nature, of the believer is that he converts possibly objectifying experiences into subjective ones. He takes everything that is done to him and makes it an opportunity to do something. He doesn’t stop at “done to me.” Thus, if good happens to him, he is thankful to Allah. And if bad happens to him, then he is patient and trusting in Allah. And from that subjective, active, dynamic mind set, he is emancipated from the victim’s mentality.

I’m not really prone to saying such things, so let me just get it out of my system. Isn’t Allah (SWT) incredible? Instead of letting us trap ourselves in our own misery, he lifts us up. He teaches us how to lift ourselves: active patience, trust in Allah, and belief that he will pull us out of it. Living a life in accordance with HIs principles, despite the pain and suffering we may have been afflicted with. Because, in the end, we must recognize that there is no object in us. We must choose to be objects or subjects. And, through the principles of religious morality, through the principles of Allah, we make ourselves subjects.

سبحانك يا رب الرحمن و لك الحمد والشكر على نعمة الإيمان

]]>https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/05/my-experience-with-psychological-determinism-and-religious-responsibility/feed/0AdmiralPriceVisions of Darkness, New Blog Name, and the Way Forwardhttps://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/03/visions-of-darkness-new-blog-name-and-the-way-forward/
https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/03/visions-of-darkness-new-blog-name-and-the-way-forward/#respondFri, 03 Dec 2010 23:41:51 +0000http://admiralprice.wordpress.com/?p=82]]>When I was ten, I finished the Grand Admiral Thrawn trilogy. Before that, I had just completed the X-Wing series. It was at that time that I knew what I wanted to do as a “grown up.” I wanted to write. Specifically, I wanted to write Star Wars. I wanted people to read the novels that I wrote and feel the same joy and excitement I felt. I wanted them to say, “wow, what a good story!” I wanted to do for them what Timothy Zahn did for me.

And that’s how Patrick Price was born.

He was born as the Admiral of the third Nimpsonian fleet. He was force sensitive, although he didn’t know it then. His was a world in the outer rim, uncharted, save for by a race of lizard like creatures known as the Archaleons. Their leader was a ruthless Sith Lord named Rengar, a name I derived my corrupting the word ‘anger.’ Patrick would fight his fleet in an epic battle above the skies of Nimpson, and, once defeated, retreat underground until Han, Lea, and Luke arrived to save him and his world. I even came up with a name for the series: Visions of Darkness.

That story didn’t stay that way for too long–maybe a few years. But Patrick still lives. His is my journey. As I grew and matured, so did he, and so did his story. When I entered the world of Online role playing, I took him with me. Without reading ay of the foundational books of fantasy, I took his world and transformed it–translated it, rather, into one of sword and sorcery.

Patrick has always reflected me–not in the simplistic, literary cathartic way, but rather reflecting my intellectual and learning progress. When I was fifteen, I became intensely interested in fantasy. And so Patrick’s world became set in a fantastical stage. Nimpson became an old, decaying Empire on the verge of collapse. Archelon, still the villains, became a younger kingdom sprouting its wings and beginning an imperialist agenda (unknown to me, at the time, is that Empire is bad and Kingdom is good). Patrick was a young noble in the old regime of Nimpson. Rengar was an older general in Archelon. Their battle continued, but this time on the fantasy level.

I remember when Nimpson still had magic incorporated in the story. There were magicians of the five elements- earth, water, fire, wind, and greenery. Patrick, however, was a sixth, rarer type. He became a “feeler,” someone who could manipulate the emotions and sensations of other people in the story world. This world evolved continuously, of course, during my late teenage, until magic all but disappeared from it, and Archelon and Nimpson became two nations amongst many others. Still, I kept the name for the series. Star Wars or not, fantasy or not, it was the name of my story. Visions of Darkness.

That was when Patrick’s story really took off. Before then, I had never really written with Patrick. I had a chapter or two done, I had thought a lot about it, but I had never truly sat down and written with him. But at 15 I joined the Dojang, an online writing community. That’s when I met Kiori. Wind blade. RPGfan. Mario Guy. FOXRules. Aurrin. Bowlslaw. And many others. That’s when I actually started writing. When I was 15 or 16, I completed almost half a very bad novel about the world. And I wrote countless other duels, RPGs, and other miscellaneous pieces with the group of friends at the Dojang. The Dojang changed my life. I wanted to write when I was ten. But when people ask me, “when did you start writing?” I say, “when I was fifteen.” Because that was the age at which I started writing with the Dojang. That’s when Visions of Darkness truly became my vision.

And then the Dojang collapsed. And I stopped writing. For a while at least.

Patrick, however, still exists. He’s come a long way from being a young Admiral fighting for life and death above the skies of Nimpson. He’s come a long way from the manipulator of emotions and sensations. As I’ve grown, so has he. He may not be all he was before, but those are still his roots.

I may not be what I was before, but Visions of Darkness is my roots. I’ve decided now: I’m going to be a writer. I’m going to tell Patrick’s story. So much of his world has changed, and, at some point, his name will have to change too. I’m not thinking about that yet; that’ll be the hardest thing to let go of. But one day, I will tell his story. However it comes out, however it evolves (even though I think I like where he is now), I will tell his story.

And that’s where I’m going to start. I’ve finally decided on a blog name. It’s not going to be Visions of Darkness. That’s not the me of today. While I respect my journey and appreciate it, that’s not my current reality. But I don’t want to pretend that who I was five years ago hasn’t shaped who I am now. And so, keeping that in mind, I’ve decided on the following name:

Seeing Through Darkness
looking for a personal vision in my own darkness

]]>https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/03/visions-of-darkness-new-blog-name-and-the-way-forward/feed/0AdmiralPrice30 Word Story 1https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/03/30-word-story-1/
https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/03/30-word-story-1/#respondFri, 03 Dec 2010 12:37:21 +0000http://admiralprice.wordpress.com/?p=76]]>He slips, and the tea carves its image into his chest. Scarred. Forever. Whenever he bares himself, there are etchings on his dark canvas. How to remove a childhood stain?]]>https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/03/30-word-story-1/feed/0AdmiralPriceI Just Realized That Naming a Blog “The New Muslim Order” Probably Isn’t a Good Ideahttps://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/02/i-just-realized-that-naming-a-blog-the-new-muslim-order-probably-isnt-a-good-idea/
https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/02/i-just-realized-that-naming-a-blog-the-new-muslim-order-probably-isnt-a-good-idea/#commentsFri, 03 Dec 2010 03:49:03 +0000http://admiralprice.wordpress.com/?p=73]]>You now, when I first started the blog, I was a huge Star Wars geek. I had just finished going through “The New Jedi Order” series. I was fairly geeking out. Result? An unfortunate name like “The New Muslim Order.” I figured, hey, everyone’s probably read “The New Jedi Order” series, right? Especially FBI agents; it must be a real hit with them!

Well, I’m older now, and a bit removed from the series. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that “The New Muslim Order” is closer to most people’s mind to “The New World Order” than “The New Jedi Order.” What does that mean? It means that my blog may read to some as a kind of manifesto in turning the world into a Muslim dominated Utopia with a global Muslim hegemony. Well, not my intention. Just a geek geeking out. Sorry bout that folks.

And you can stop emailing me pretending to be Muslim Mr. FBI person.

]]>https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/12/02/i-just-realized-that-naming-a-blog-the-new-muslim-order-probably-isnt-a-good-idea/feed/1AdmiralPriceSo far, Pierre Thomas MVPhttps://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/02/07/so-far-pierre-thomas-mvp/
https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/02/07/so-far-pierre-thomas-mvp/#respondMon, 08 Feb 2010 01:30:50 +0000http://admiralprice.wordpress.com/?p=64]]>I’ve loved this guy all season. I had him on my fantasy team, so I made a point to watch him during the season. It’s not surprising that Thomas is the player who is showing up to play the most in this game. He’s come out with so much energy, he’s absolutely impossible to tackle. So far, he deserves the MVP.]]>https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/02/07/so-far-pierre-thomas-mvp/feed/0AdmiralPriceStar Trek Online: First Week Impressionshttps://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/02/04/star-trek-online-first-week-impressions/
https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/02/04/star-trek-online-first-week-impressions/#respondFri, 05 Feb 2010 02:15:23 +0000http://admiralprice.wordpress.com/?p=61]]>I bought it on a whim. I really don’t know what exactly it was about the previews that I had read that made me pick up my first MMO try since my trauma with WoW. I felt a tinge of excitement, but it was more curiosity than anything else that made me pop it into my CD drive the moment it arrived. After an extremely stylized introduction, which sucked me in right away, and a short introductory scene, I started my first true dive into the world of MMOs. For all its faults, I loved Age of Conan, and that should tell you a little about me: I love story, I have a soft-spot for S&S, I love PvP, I hate boring combat, and I don’t mind rampant bugs. Keep that in mind while you read this impression. Everyone has a perspective, and that is the perspective by which I will judge almost all RPGs, not just MMOs. Therefore, I’ll breakdown the impression into the following sections: story (including storytelling and introduction to the complex world), combat, and misc likes and dislikes. Ready? Execute. (yes, I couldn’t resist).

Story

Honestly, there are so many thematic and philosophical problems with the story, I really don’t know where to begin. That being said, I’ll give the game a free pass on the ridiculousness of the Federation, Klingons, Borg, and Vulcan, as that’s more of a overall Star Trek issue than a STO issue. Still, unlike The Old Republic, which had some interesting interpretations and twists of the Star Wars universe, Cryptic decided to play it safe and just include tons of fan service instead. That has to be a negative.

The main problem with the story of STO is that there really isn’t one. When you first create a character in WoW, you’re dropped into a world and the story is thrust onto you. You’re told of legends and current happenings, so on, so forth. AoC did an absolutely incredible job with the story at the introduction. STO, unfortunately, was extremely lacking in this particular aspect. The opening sequence is nothing but an extremely quick voice over by Leanord Nimoy and then a sudden thrust into a combat zone. Even now, all I’m sure of is that the Fed is at war with the Klings, and there are shape-shifters involved. And, with all this war going on, it seems that Klingon ships can very easily slip through Fed defenses *en masse* and attack random sectors (which you then save in almost every mission). Yeah, great job Cryptic.

On top of that, there are absolutely no characters in the game. Tortage in AoC did an incredible job of creating a narrative that you played through- something both avid readers of the Conan stories and new comers could appreciate. There were particular quest givers that had great character (which was all throughout AoC), main pro and antagonists, so on, so forth. In short, I felt like I was a part of something. In STO, the only characters of note are Admiral Quin and Admiral Sulu (and the “where’s sulu?!” questions keep coming, non-stop), and they are just stock Admiral characters. There is *no* writing of any sort of quality. It seems like Cryptic *seriously* jipped on the writing process. For a PvE centered MMO, that’s kinda ridiculous.

And then there’s the Klingon part. Worst. Intro. EVER. You literally *start* at level 7 with 3100 skill points to spend. You’re given a quest to beat three dudes in an arena (in an extremely unbelievably idiotic system) and then choose and customize your guys’ clothes. I know. Unbelievable. They didn’t even try. It’s as if the fans *demanded* that they have Klingons, and so they threw a couple of sprites together and said, “here you go!” Pathetic. Hopefully, it gets much better as time goes on.

Combat

Combat in STO is broken into two sections: ground and space combat. Short answer: Space combat rocks, while ground combat is the worst thing since edible slippers. Long answer is below.

The ship combat is broken into three general sections: managing your power levels (including shields), attacking at the right angles at the right times, and managing buffs and debuffs. I have to say, the ship combat is astoundingly good. It almost never gets boring. So far, however, I am noticing that the basic formula is to make things harder by throwing more and more ships. In WoW and AoC they had levels for the enemies (the highest being creature, and the hardest being raid). In STO, it literally just looks like they throw more ships at you to make it harder. That being said, managing your shields is so important that if you start getting surrounded, consider yourself a goner. The key is to keep the attack on one side (and manageable at that) in order to control the way the battle flows. But this is not a strategy guide.

My main problem is that they don’t really have roles. Yes, I know, that’s supposed to be a strength. But after the novelty of it runs out, I think people will begin to realize how limiting that is. Not having any taunting and aggro increasing abilities makes tanking extremely difficult, and it makes DPSing even more so (you’ll just keep getting killed). Amazingly, they have these roles on the ground, but *not* in space. Come on, Cryptic.

The ground combat is terrible. They really, really, really need a cover mechanic, something like ME or even make it kinda third person shootery. Right now, it’s literally just run in, gun, make sure you don’t get flanked, and then go on to the next part. IGN also touched on it in their impressions.

Misc

The ability to design your characters’ appearances is extremely detailed. I love it. My blue and red Klingon uniform is *hot*. The quests are very stock. Hate it. The trading right now is kinda crazy. Very high prices. It’ll come down as the players realize they can’t sell Standard Phaser Banks for 1000 Creds.

More impressions later. So far it’s ok. If they made a half decent attempt at telling a story, the game would be awesome. So far, it’s meh.

]]>https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/02/04/star-trek-online-first-week-impressions/feed/0AdmiralPriceIt’s done. The Pack lost, but so did he, and I don’t care anymore.https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/its-done-the-pack-lost-but-so-did-he-and-i-dont-care-anymore/
https://admiralprice.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/its-done-the-pack-lost-but-so-did-he-and-i-dont-care-anymore/#respondMon, 25 Jan 2010 10:05:41 +0000http://admiralprice.wordpress.com/?p=59]]>When A-Rodg got that ball stripped from him on the last play against Arizona, I was pissed. Do we have another Favre here? Another guy who will tease you and then take everything away?

And then last night reminded me of who Brett Favre was. And I was happy once again to have A-Rodg.

He’s out boys and girls. The Vikings have lost the playoffs, and this is the first time in my life I have been celebrating another team’s defeat. Generally, I’m a good sport. But this is different. This is very, very personal. In August, Favre stuck it to us. Not to the Packers, but to the Packer fans. And Mr. Dom Capers could not be trusted to stick it back. But it’s not a worry. The NFL did what we couldn’t.

How do you like your Brett Favre now, Vikings fans?

You guys were in the game because of two things: amazing D in the second half, and AD. And you lost because of Percy Harvin and Brett Favre. And that last pick was just…oh my God. I was getting more and more pissed cause I thought they had won that game.

Just like I thought we had one when we got the ball on the first possession of overtime two years ago. I know this isn’t an overly intelligent post, but I don’t care. I’m happy. I’m excited. And I can’t wait for the Super Bowl.

Brett Favre lost, and that’s all that matters to me. God bless you Saints, and best of luck winning the Super Bowl. I’ll be rooting for you.