The humble, but no less caustic, side of the law. That's why they pay me the mediocre bucks.

Monday, August 28, 2006

A modest proposal

Last night, my boyfriend permitted me a never-before granted luxury: we went through people's Friendster profiles and photographs and mocked them. I mean, we really got into it, he let me run my nasty mouth as much as I wanted, no censorship, no "be nice," we just laughed and laughed at the appalling scene before us. It was almost as good as looking at wedding websites.

One girl in particular always cracks me up. She posts new photographs of herself every time she goes out drinking. Everytime I log into Friendster, there are new pictures of her holding a martini glass filled with a pink liquid, wearing an expensive-yet-slutty tank top and short skirt, with her arms around either a bunch of straight-haired, orange-skinned girl-clones or guys in matching button-down shirts who use lots of hair gel. Their white teeth gleam in the light of the flash, as they smile their faces off for the camera. It's enough to make me wish that digital camera technology had been reserved for NASA and kept from the stupid, stupid public.

"Ohmygawd, it's Lara, Dara, Farrah, Sara, and Mara!" I cried as a group of girls from Long Island with ugly faces, tan skin, and hard bodies hugged each other smiling desperately. "OMG. Jared is sooooocuuuuuute!"

All this wanton JAPpery got me thinking. Why do these people all come out just like each other? What is it about Roslyn, Bellmore, Jericho, Manhasset Hills, etc. (although New Jersey, I am looking at you too) that produces people who care about shopping, sports, status, and not much else? Well, I came to a few conclusions and I would, of course, be honored to humbly present them to you:

1. Moms, don't take your small daughters to get their nails done. No five-year-old on earth needs hot pink nail polish, and if she goes to a respectable school, they will make her take it off anyway. It's a waste of money, but even worse, it plants the wrong ideas about the world in her impressionable little head. She will see others as there to serve and admire her, and she will consider being pampered an entitlement similar to breathing air or interstate travel. Last time I checked, the Constitution does not provide for the right to "square-or-round-shape" nails. Just get a babysitter - it will cost the same as her manicure, and besides, you probably have a full-time nanny even though you don't work.

2. Dads, don't only bond with your sons over football. There are other ways for men to relate to one another, and some of them actually involve thinking and/or talking. Just because you are sitting next to each other on the couch does not mean that anything meaningful is happening. Instead, the little boy will grow up unhealthily attached to statistics and the memories of certain awesome games, and he will use this to bond with his friends. Then they will mimic what you did, and they will have game night parties, in which they will yell at the TV, ignore the girls who are there solely to bring them beer, chips, and have their asses slapped - just like their mom when they were kids!

3. Don't teach your kids that their religion only means going to "temple" on High Holidays, eating Chinese food on Christmas, saying "oy vey!" and knowing how to shop. There are over 5,000 beautiful years of history and tradition that came before Long Island, and they can maybe teach you a thing or two about how to raise children. For example, that a girl going out drunk and practically naked in the hope of attracting guys is not such a good idea. Just a thought.

4. There are more than 4 acceptable professions for guys. Nowhere is it written that thou shalt become a doctor, lawyer, banker, or accountant. And ladies, don't become a teacher if you have no desire to impart knowledge to the next generation and you are just waiting to get married. Giving them a dissertation on how you blow-dry your hair on a day when you don't feel like teaching, while fascinating, is not what their parents pay tuition for (see, e.g. my 11th grade precal teacher).

5. I'd go off on sororities here, but I'm sure somewhere in the world there are one or two that might build character, friendships, and networking possibilities. Suffice it to say that none of the sororities at my school fit that description, unless you count merciless hazing, belittling, and name-calling as friendship. Just because you are standing in a row wearing matching t-shirts snapping your fingers and singing songs about how close you are doesn't make you close, or even friends.