I have finally accepted that I will never have a relationship with my step-daughter.

At this time I rarely speak to/about her as

1) IF I say anything to/about her that upsets DH/her, DH gets upset with me - I feel that life is simpler/less stressful when I say nothing

2) she's lied about things that she's done (drinking, drugs, and sex- either she's not done these things, but claimed she did OR she's done them, but lied to my DH about doing them){btw- in the past DSD claimed she was a "cutter" to get attention - she's NOT a cutter}

3) I don't trust her - she has lied in the past about things I've said & done - if I don't say anything to her she can't twist it (I told DH about this)

I think a big part of the problem is that, in the past she's been rewarded when I hurt/"hurt" her feelings - she probally gets sympathy for having such a mean step-mother too. Had I known before DH & I got married that he'd promised her he'd never get remarried I (think) would have insisted on family counciling BEFORE I'd marry him.

I grew up in a disfunctional home & I feel that for DSD (& myself) living this way is hellish. I'm an adult & it stresses me out when I think about it - she's just a teen - poor kid. (just posting about this has set my heart racing.... and I think "what if DH reads this & gets upset and/or angry with me ....")

I have nieces who were treated poorly by their step-moms/SM's families & MY DM & I never wanted that for DSD.

Last edited by snafu; September 28th, 2009 at 02:45 PM.
Reason: changed some content

Snafu, without your DH's positive participation, you cannot fix this. You can be polite and distantly helpful, but anything more will be rejected. She is crying out desperately to be parented by the only parent who refuses to fulfill his duties. Refer all major things to her father and approach her as if she were your student rather than her step-mother. It's the best you can do and will-- hopefully-- keep you out of the ugliness.

I agree with Lucy. I, too, was the mean, bad step-mother to DSD2 for her years 12-17. DH felt sorry for her so he didn't disipline her and her mother was too busy running around with her friends and looking for a man. DSD2 exhibited the same behaviors you've described.

Once I accepted that I had no authority, I treated her as a student. I also wouldn't go out of my way for her. I left that to her dad. If she needed supplies from town and I didn't have a reason to go, he took her or picked up what she needed. I wasn't mean or anything, I wouldn't be expected to do it for the kid next door so I didn't do it for her.

Nothing to add... just hugs. (((((snafu))))) I know how hard you've tried, and how heartbroken you must be.

ETA: Okay, now I've got something to add. I'm sad that you titled the thread "bad step-mom". snafu, you are NOT a bad step-mom. You are a wonderful step-mom who is being thwarted in her every attempt to show "real" love, which includes discipline.

snafu, I agree with Kay-Kay...you are not a "bad" step-mom. In my earlier post, I was attempting to be sarcastic....

I have a son who is 6 years younger than DSD2 so he was 6-11 while the worst of the nonsense at home was going on. I don't think the situation with DSD2 impacted him significantly because he was busy with his own life. His few comments regarding the choices she made were along the lines of "She taught me what not to do!" Also, DSD2's went to a different school than DS and DSD1.

DSD1 who is 2 years older that DSD2 was very aware of the situation. DSD1 indicated that she could not wait to get away from home because of DSD2's choices and behavior. DSD1 did not want to get guilted into taking care of DSD2s baby so she moved 2100 miles away one month after she graduated from high school.

DSD2 continues to have problems, mostly of her own making. She was pregnant and married at 16, divorced at 18, gave up custody of her daughter when she was 8, has drinking and gambling problems, is promiscous, only calls when she wants money, etc...

Once DSD2 moved out of the house, we put up with a lot more nonsense that we should have because of the our granddaughter...

I called myself a bad step-mom because I DON'T talk to DSD unless I can avoid it... and I feel bad because... well - picture you're a kid/teen & an adult who lives in the same house as you doesn't speak to you. Her dad rarely enforces his rules/directions (ie. see the cell phone thread; get the dirty dishes out of your room - he doesn't check to see that she's done it & she blows him off, thus we get the "science experiemnts" in her room) Why if there are no real consequences to her behavior would she think that lying, etc... affects whether or not certain people want anything to do with her? (also as she's claimed to frequently smoke pot & get drunk with a certain friend - I ALMOST called that girl's parents to show them DSD's journal - if DSD's lying could you imagine how that would have affected her friendship with this girl, much less once it became know at school how other's would have viewed her)

Whenever DH backtracks/fails to follow thru with DSD it impacts (negatively) how I view him too - so I detach.

snafu, are you giving her the silent treatment or keeping your distance? Keeping your distance does NOT make you a bad step mom.

As far as how you feel about your DH when he doesn't do what he's supposed to-- I think that thread about a DH having honor really applies here, too. He appears weak and stupid. How can you respect a man under those conditions?

How is your DS reacting to all of this? You and he may want to do some family counseling together even if DH and DSD won't.