Looking back on my childhood I was absolutely blessed to have the Mother And Father that God bestowed upon me. My mother, a saved, strong minded beautiful lady, whom taught me about loving, cherishing and loving myself and others and so many other things. And my father, a Visionary whom I watched carefully, every move he made and whom I wanted to be around all the time. His Constant and Consistent dedication to God, and faithfulness towards the vision God had given him, made a lasting impression on my life and continues to till this day. I wanted nothing more but to grow up and be just like him.

March 29, 1991, one Early morning, that same man I wanted to be like passed away; it was devastating! Life after that day was more then just confusing, I was completely lost. I remember being not only mad at my dad but more at God, besides, my hero (my father) had given Him his all; He had done everything He asked him to do and in my mind, I’m saying, You have the nerve to take him from me?

One early morning when I was 16 years old I remember having a dream about him, I woke up crying and walked to the kitchen and just sat there by myself for hours. Finally, I walked to the knife drawer and got a butcher knife and as I placed it to my wrist these words came to me so clear:

“GO AHEAD AND DO IT! LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER.”

Suddenly my mom wakes up and begins to walk down the hall and I hurry up & throw the knife back in the drawer. My Mom says to me, “what are you doing?” My reply, “nothing.”

As I got older, life got no easier for me. I pretended I was happy; besides I had a reputation to uphold by making people laugh but inside I was a bitter, angry man and it was all towards God. I realized now all the decisions I made; the alcohol, the women and the drug selling, it was a direct effect of me trying to find happiness. I became so disrespectful until not only did I get drunk, but I remember going to church with a hangover from the night before.

Approximately 7 years ago after all this bitterness and anger I had towards God, He not only saved me but He forgave me. A few months ago while in prayer I begin to cry out to God and I told him sorry for it all, he quickly replied to “AINT IT FUNNY?” I asked Him, “God what’s funny?” God replied back to me, “Ain’t it funny how I used all the anger, all the bitterness and every word you spoke against Me and I used it for your purpose?”

This post is for those that have suffered loss and are going through loss. You may be cracked but God won’t let you shatter. You may be bent but God won’t let you Break. Your heart make be broken but God is the #1 Cardiologist. But through it all, you will be mended and fixed because the same Love that allowed you to go through it, will be the same Love that will bring you out. COUNT IT ALL JOY.

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Published by wearebrokenbeautifully

Broken....Beautifully! is a blog that will literally be all over the place yet Beautifully structured! From makeup convos to poetry to stories of my past & how God brought me through, to the everyday rises & falls of being a woman.... a saved woman, in today’s society! This is not a place of perfection but an open, honest, Beautiful mess. Perfectly flawed. Imperfectly perfect. Because isn’t that what we all are anyway? Sure, we can sometimes hide it very well but we are all just trying to overcome our past, live better in our present & set ourselves up for a greater future! So let’s embark on this journey together. Let’s discover being Broken....Beautifully!
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Kiesh
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