Ricky ‘Hitman’ Hatton to take up top-flight test cricket

Ricky Hatton has astounded the sporting world today with his decision to become a world class cricketer in under four months. The former boxer says his surprise switch to International Test Cricket has filled the void left by repeatedly smacking somebody around the head until they lose consciousness and/or end up on a life support machine.

Since losing his latest ‘comeback’ bout to Vyacheslav Senchenko, Hatton has prepared for his new career by piling on three-and-a-half stones and walking around his garden at a leisurely pace in a white V-neck jumper he bought from C&A.’

The welterweight claims he lost focus after failing to land a ‘Portal Security Administrator’ role at a Bolton nightspot for not being hard enough. Hatton has since come under the tutelage of cricketing-ace-turned-boxer Freddie Flintoff, who insists the ‘Hitman’ is mentally and physically prepared to face New Zealand at Lords in May

‘Ever since I was a nipper, I dreamt of lining up for the First Eleven and facing the Aussies at Lords. To experience the thwack of leather on willow, watching swallows skim over the grass, punching some fucker at Silly Mid-Off really hard in the face for looking at me the wrong way,’ said Hatton

‘I took my inspiration from the likes of Freddie here, not to mention ‘Beefy’ and, of course, Geoff Boycott - good old Geoffrey had a mean right hook on him, although that was never proven. And like most cricketers, I’ve always enjoyed a spot of cake with my afternoon tea.’

Flintoff, meanwhile, has warned his star pupil that the New Zealanders will be no push over. ‘He’s gonna be right there under the pressure of the sunlight wearing flannels with the other fielders as the church bells drift over on the gentlest of summer breezes. Anybody body who says cricket is easy is talking out their arse,’ he said.

‘Ricky’s a true professional. He's got a passion for standing around with his arms folded, uncrossing them, and then folding them again while wearing a hat of some description. Some people say you can teach that, I prefer to think you’re born with it. And I’ve no doubt he’ll take a catch or two - we’ve all seen how quickly he can hit the floor.’

‘But hey, it’s not all about the hard work you put in,’ Flintoff concluded. ‘Later, I’ll be introducing Ricky to some cricket groupies I know at Stringfellows. I expect we’re in for another gruelling few hours before we change ends. I just hope bad light doesn’t stop play.’