Just caught up again, sorry it took so long, had best friends back up from university though the week keeping me busy. But now I'm back to be an egotistical jerk to your work.

Again it's not bad, but slightly goes down hill from your previous writing for some reason. I'm going to take a swing and guess it was because you were rushed. I see where have our main hero and main villain are going to be getting to know each other for the first time. The fact of what you have the main character do to the thugs gives us an idea of what the battle is going to be like... I look forward to it.

However, part to where I'm actually mean, I dislike your change from perspectives. The one where the thug wakes up and calls his boys is absolutely pointless and does nothing, at all. Just slows down the story, big time. We knew who had gotten the thugs, don't need to know how and it wasn't interesting at all. Really I'd have to say this is almost as big a mistake as the slow fight scene between Sigment and Sonya.

Also, couldn't tell whose perspective we were focusing on afterwards, Karra's or Sigments. Now I'm still learning about perspectives, so I won't get into it too much. But I felt you were doing both their perspectives, where if you're doing Point of view perspectives, you only have one character. If it was Sigment, trying to be telling the story from him. If you wanted to let us know how scared Karra was, try to describe it using what Sigment was seeing, for example don't use 'What had happened to him' as that sounds as if we're suddenly looking at it from Karra's POV.But if it is Karra's POV, don't use something like 'He was glad she could defend herself'.

Really the switch in paragraphs sounds as if you're doing both their POV, which far as I know, you're not allowed to do. Again I'm new to the whole perspective thing, so I will be honest and I guess I'm so totally wrong. It's why I normally stick to 3rd person perspective, it's the lamest perspective, but I don't have to worry whose telling the story. But I felt it was worth bring it up as I do believe you are doing POV wrong, if you don't mind me saying Sigment Kurosai.

I'm probably newer to writing than you are Walrus. I am well aware that this chapter was not as good as Three, and that it feels rushed. I suppose that you could say that I have a habit of being inconsistent, to a degree. The "What happened to him" paragraph was Karra's POV, and the one following was Sigment's again. If you are right, and this is a writing no-no, then I'll refrain from it in the future. I, myself, am still in the process of learning writing techniques. I suppose Chapter Three was just one of my good days.

By the way, at this point you are free to call me Sigment, or just Sig.

Maybe could do with maybe just a warning at least, so as not to confuse readers like me, as it did confuse readers like me, such as dividing with an asterix or something, I don't know. But hopefully it was helpful.

I like it but it's bland. I don't know how long you've been writing but if it hasn't been too long focus on spelling and grammar. If you've already got that down, add more figures of speech and elaborate more. Use similes and comparisons, whatever you have to do. It gives the reader a much better idea of what you're trying to say and makes the story much more entertaining because it adds flavor.

Just a suggestion though. I read so fast that I basically skim the story instead of looking at it thoroughly, but if you found this helpful, well... Great. Otherwise this is pretty good.

Sumdumguy wrote:I like it but it's bland. I don't know how long you've been writing but if it hasn't been too long focus on spelling and grammar. If you've already got that down, add more figures of speech and elaborate more. Use similes and comparisons, whatever you have to do. It gives the reader a much better idea of what you're trying to say and makes the story much more entertaining because it adds flavor.

Just a suggestion though. I read so fast that I basically skim the story instead of looking at it thoroughly, but if you found this helpful, well... Great. Otherwise this is pretty good.

Right, I've been weighing this ever since I saw this comment, (Which was last night I think), discussed it with others and have finally came to a decision.

The bland thing, yeah I'll have to agree with it, as much as I like Sigment, I agree that it's thus far bland. But I am openly disagreeing with you both (Ha! Got gun aimed at both of you now). Sorry but the solution for more, I believe everyone who read your comment 'Sumdumguy' immediately panicked for an obsessive freak about to get involved. I have read work, where people think by adding more and more it makes things better... it doesn't, it makes things worse! As I keep being told, professionals will often advise others that less is the better.

I'm openly disagreeing anyways because I don't want Sigment to add in smiles, speech tags and stuff. I recently found out that my work is 'dialogue driven' and I'm heavily praised for it. I'd just keep with your suggestion (as well as Bird of terror), that Sigment just needs more experience. Is story is good after all and does get better as he delves more into it. I'm certain once (If ever) Sigment finishes it, is writing will alienate is first post on this thread and will be magnificent.

In the beginning, we wanted to make it illustrated, but when I lost contact (and since I am better at writing than I am drawing) it became a written story. Sorting out what still works with what doesn't is a pain in the ass. So far, I have had to change several things, and leave a lot of extra humor out of the story. It always feels as though making a scene funny is far less challenging in illustrated comics than in a full-on written story.

Now how would making it a comic over writing it make any better of a story? Sure people do prefer comics over writing, just like people prefer movies over comics. In other words that's no excuse Sigment. If you've got a story to tell us, it won't matter which area you choose, literally. And it's working Sig, you just require experience and to keep on trying to tell us the story through your writing. So don't give up because you've got people like me, Birdofterror and Sumdumguy are feeling it's begun off bland, it's bound to start off that way if you're new to writing.

I was trying to say in my previous post that he needs to elaborate more but I fucked up. I can criticize literature well but I can't write for crap. I agree that adding more isn't better, but I've been seeing Sigment make a post afterwards explaining a scene that wasn't well written and made little sense. I guess we'll just have to wait since, like Bird said, it'll just come naturally. I also feel I might have been harsh. I fucked up there too, sorry.

Honestly I think you're a better writer than me Sig. Probably because I suck at writing, but still, I see you're getting farther than I am in terms of writing experience.

My writing is inconsistent, nonspecific and just overall weird to read. I would write a Grim Tales fanfic but I'm so bad it's just awful to read. It's hard to explain why or how because I cant really think of a reason. Maybe I just suck, or maybe I'm too picky that I write good but notice so many tiny details that I just say "Fuck it."

Alright, it's about time I post this. I'd been working on a project at nonPareil Institute for some time, and I just recently finished it. So then, let's keep going.

______________________________________________________

Kurosai Chronicles

Chapter Five: The One Born of Humanity and Technology

Unbelievable. The dream, the same dream again. It hadn't crept into his mind in years, yet here he was, reliving the destruction. Again the fire, again the explosions and again the coiling flames around his body. But this time something was different. Out of the darkness a light shined brightly, forcing the fire away from him. He sat and watched as this light took shape. His eyes widened, as this shape was that of the White Wolf. He looked to its eyes and saw not a bloody crimson, but a pure, calm blue.

"Who are you...? Tell me!"...

Sigment sat up, rubbing his eye. "What the hell was that?" He thought about it, trying to decipher any possible meaning. "Why would the Wolf help me...? ...Must be my mind playing tricks on me. I'm too anxious about finding him." He got out of his sleeping bag and got dressed. He and the others were almost to the top of Scafell Pike, and were eager to ask their witness about his "sighting". As Sigment joined the others, Karra waved him over.

"Hey, you're up! Come on, breakfast is served!" In front of her was quite the meal. Sigment couldn't keep his stomach from growling. He grabbed his share and took a few bites.

"Damn, this is good. Where'd you learn to cook?"

"Well, you live on your own for twenty years, you pick up a few things."

"Twenty years? What about your parents?"

Karra kept up a smile, but he could tell that this was a touchy subject. "They disowned me. When I turned twenty, I told them about us; our relationship, and how I felt about you. They... didn't take it well." She paused, before continuing. "So I went through a few jobs, singing at clubs in my off time. Got picked up for the band, oh, eight years ago."

Sigment chuckled at the reminder. "'Tragic Destiny', huh?"

"Not my idea..." They both laughed, before finishing their meal. "So..." Karra seemed hesitant to ask her question. "...What about you? What have you been doing all this time?"

Sigment's smile faded as he responded. "I've been chasing the one that caused it all." His hand lightly touched the scar on his cheek. "I have that thing to thank for this." Before he could continue, Sonya approached them.

"We're almost there. C'mon, you two."

Sigment decided to ask her, "What kind of tech does this place build, anyway?"

She shrugged in response. "Not sure, but the guy I... interviewed said the place is making stuff that'll 'mark a new era', or something."

They moved up the mountain, eventually reaching the facility. They looked for a way to contact the inside, but there was nothing. There was no console or terminal, not even a doorbell. Refusing to leaving empty-handed, they entered the facility to find the area completely dark. Sigment moved forward, with Ryū helping him see. He remained cautious; they weren't alone in there. Then, he heard the air whistle. Something was behind him, something fast. He brought Ryū up to block what he saw to be a massive hammer. Had it not been Ryū in his hand, he'd be dead. The block forced his assailant back across the room, as the lights slowly began to flicker to life.

"Yay, you blocked! Now we can have some fun!" The room illuminated the figure, surprising everyone with her identity. In front of them was a child, a girl no more than ten. And yet somehow, despite her age, she possessed the strength to swing a hammer that was bigger than she was. Karra moved to support Sigment, but Sonya grabbed the Demon's arm, her eyes telling her not to interfere. The child laughed as she brought her hammer up. "Come on! I wanna play some more!"

"The hell's the matter with you, kid?! You tryin' to kill me?!" Sigment couldn't have been more surprised by his opponent, but he wouldn't back down. "Ryū, Jihi Style." He wasn't about to kill a kid, even if she was crazy. She charged forward as he drew his sword. The child raised her hammer up to attack, bringing it down it as she reached him. Catching the attack, he pushed the hammer aside, swinging around and catching her side with his blade. Sigment couldn't believe the strength it took to send her back. However, he wound up putting enough force into his strike to send her into the wall. He was about to turn around when he heard her yell.

"Oww... That hurt a lot!" What the hell was this kid made of? Something was wrong, though. As she got up, a black fluid flowed out from her side. "You... you big MEANIE!" Before he could respond, she charged him again. He had just enough time to block, but the force sent him into a wall, in a way returning the favor. Sigment was on one knee, attempting to recover from the blow. But the child was already in front of him, her hammer above her head. She brought it down, stopping above his head when she heard the intercom click.

"That's enough! Disengage!" A male voice. Whether he was friend or foe, they would have to see. An elevator hummed as it reached their floor. A middle-aged Human exited and began speaking; not to them, to the child. "You got carried away again. Keep calm, and stay focused next time." The girl sulked at his criticisms, as he turned his attention to his visitors. "I do not know why you are here, but I apologize for this one's rash behavior."

"What... is she?" Sigment wasn't expecting a "normal" answer.

"This child is... Well, I suppose, in a way, she's my daughter. I made her into what she is about a year ago."

"What are you saying? She's a robot?"

"Not exactly. She was near death when I found her. I merely did what was necessary to save her."

"...And the hammer?"

"A means of protection. I've been training her to use it." He helped Sigment up, then smiled. "Where are my manners? My name is Albert Walker, and her name is... Well, she's forgotten her real name. Due to her appearance, my superiors have given her the name 'Angelic'." Sigment looked at her back and saw two armor pieces. They did kind of look like wings. "Anyhow, may I ask why you are here?"

"We need information. You claimed that you saw a 'giant wolf', and we're here to investigate."

"Hmm, I see. Well yes, I have seen something like that around here. The area to the west, to be specific."

"What did it look like? Fur and eye color, things like that."

"It was at night, I'm afraid that I can't say. But before you go looking for it, I would suggest that you rest here. Whatever that creature is, you may need it." Walker directed the three of them to an area where they could sleep for the night. Afterwards they ate their meals, with Angelic asking various questions. Eventually she got to Sigment.

"Your sword looks so cool! Can I see for a bit? Please?"

"Uhh..." Before he could respond, she grabbed it from the table.

"Great! Thanks!" The child looked at from top to bottom. She then started hitting it against walls and biting the sheath. "Wow, this thing's tough!" She continued "testing its durability", as Sigment heard his friend in his mind.

"...Help... ...me..."

He couldn't help but chuckle, before eventually asking her to stop. As the group rested up in their quarters, Sigment thought about the day that would follow. But the dream from that morning continued to bother him. "Best not to think about it...". The three of them drifted to sleep, gathering their strength. Their strength is all that they would have against tomorrow's opponent....

_____________________________________________________

Okay, Chapter complete. Sorry for the delay, but at this point I'm putting them out as fast as I can manage.

On a side note, Angelic was another of my friend Brenton's characters. Credit where credit is due, you know? If you have any questions about her or the story, don't worry about asking. I encourage feedback, and will help with people understanding things as best I can. Jikai made!("Jikai made!" means "Until next time!" in Japanese, for those who were wondering.)

Last edited by Sigment on Tue Oct 15, 2013 9:23 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Now here I was weighing whether or not to comment. Recently, one problem I've found with the Snafu community (that differs it to other communities I've been to), I've been giving feedback to others, but it's rare they give feedback to me and I just find it rude . However I decided to be mature (Read how mature I am!) and remember that I do read your work to see your development and where this story is going exactly. Plus I was kind of wanting to read it.

So focusing, the first scene was very visual, I'm assuming you were able to picture the thing in your mind. However there was a bump right at the end.

"Who are you...? Tell me!" Before he had a chance to listen, he awoke.

The tag ruins it. It's unnecessary and just confirms what we don't need confirmed, in general, I'd recommend taking it out.

I also like the addition of the little girl, but I was hoping she was a full on evil villain (I'm sucker for the Evil child characters, what can I say?), so there was disappointment and I'll have to wait and see how she turns out.

Your slowly improving anyways, which is good and apologies if Bloodlord's right and me and Sumdumguy is damaging your confidence. We aren't meaning to. We're just trying to highlight that you need to keep going even though we're both pulling on you for things we disagree with your writing. Anyways.

He grabbed his share, and took a few bites. I don't think you need that comma.

WalrusM3 wrote:Recently, one problem I've found with the Snafu community (that differs it to other communities I've been to), I've been giving feedback to others, but it's rare they give feedback to me and I just find it rude .

While I won't disagree, I would reckon it has something to do with the fact that all of your work is done. While works here are usually ongoing and continuous. -Not done- Also, I hope you don't find this rude, but do you think they owe you something if you look over their work? Just curious.

Not to mention there are a lot of flavors to choose from, and if someone were to read one of your stories then read another, they might forget the feedback they had for the first- unless they were keeping notes which I doubt because this is little more than a hobby.

I try my best to give feedback and criticism to the works I see, usually through PMs however. A lot of the time in threads though, like in this one for instance. Hell, I haven't gotten feedback for my story in months of continuous updates.

"It's such a fine line between clever and stupid."

The Chronometal Wars, a fan-fiction taking place in the PPGD Universe. Catastrophe is the only certainty.

WalrusM3 wrote:Not just referring to my literature Birdofterror. Referring to my comics or my other artworks, wouldn't hurt for someone to comment after I commented on something of theirs.

Well surely you're doing it purely out of the kindness of your heart. Other people responding to your work would be merely a bonus! Your life's work is simply to see those you help, smile![/quote]

Yeah, but it's called being polite. I'm not the most polite person either, but dosh darn it, I hate people who are bigger jerks than me.

Sigment Kurosai wrote:"Who are you...? Tell me!" Before he had a chance to listen, he awoke....He grabbed his share, and took a few bites. I don't think you need that comma.I have no idea what you're talking about. I see no such problems.

As the others slept through the night, she sat in the dining area. As she finished her water, the room lit up, making her jump up and face the door. "My, you seem rather tense. Sonya, was it?" Walker moved to grab a glass of his own.

"Yeah, it's Sonya. Try knockin' first next time, would ya?" She sat back down, and he joined her with fresh water. "And I'm not tense, alright? Just... worried." Her eyes were on the glass, the reflection staring back at her.

"Worried? Is something wrong, or are you referring to tomorrow?"

"I just hope... that he won't be too much for them."...

"Hey, wake up!" Sigment opened his eye to see Karra, though his attention was drawn more to the tangled mess on her head. "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing, just nice to know I'm not the only one with a bedhead in the mo- OWW!" It was a painful lesson of how hard she could throw a punch.

After breakfast, everyone was dressed and ready to move out. According to Walker there was a forested area to the west where their target may be located. Sigment felt excited, more so than he had ever been. An eager grin ran across his face as he exited the facility, along with Karra and Sonya. Sigment looked back at Sonya with a smile. "Don't do anything stupid, got it?"

"Same to you, okay?" For some reason, she didn't return his smile. Something seemed off about her, but he decided not to bother her about it. At the front entrance was a gift from Walker, a vehicle that would get them to their destination quickly. The system's navigation did all the work, leading them to the forest before dispatching portable radios for communication.

Their search of the area yielded no immediate results, but they continued nonetheless. Eventually, they came across an abandoned camp site, the embers in the fire slowly fading. If someone had gone missing there, then maybe their target was there after all.

"I'll check it out! You two, move to block off the area! We can't let it get away!" He moved forward, the others splitting up to guard both sides. Moving through the trees, he came to a small clearing, where a man was on the ground with tattered clothes and a gash on his arm. Sigment brought the man to his knees to wake him up.

"Wh-who... are you...?"

"Don't worry, I'm here to help. Did you see what did this?"

"N-no... I..."

"It's fine, don't talk. Let's get you out of here." Sigment grabbed the radio to call the others.

"But I..." The man slowly lifted his arm. Before he realized it, the man had him by the throat. As he raised his head, a twisted grin began to form. "I'm not done having fun yet..." In trying to get out of his grip, Sigment dropped his sword. A sharp pain ran through his body as he was slammed into a tree. "I've been expecting you, though I didn't think it would be this easy." He opened his eyes to reveal a stare that Sigment saw every night in his nightmares. Rage, as well as fear, swelled inside him. This bastard, who held him by the throat, was the one who destroyed his home.

"You're bigger than I remember, boy. Though it has been a while, hasn't it?"

"Shut up!" He punched the man's face, but his opponent's reaction was almost non-existent. A blow to his solar plexus had Sigment coughing up blood, before being thrown across the clearing. The man began to close the distance, before noticing the sword that had been dropped. Unsheathing it, he seemed impressed by its quality.

"Hmm, an interesting blade. Let's see just how well it cuts." A quick dash had Sigment in his grip once again. He thrust the blade forward, but it did not puncture his body. It was as if the blade itself refused to hurt him. Sigment took the opening, focusing Ki into his fist to once again strike his opponent's head. The added force knocked him out of the man's grip, allowing him to grab Ryū and counterattack. Despite Sigment's speed, his opponent managed to evade every strike, before retaliating with a strike to his side. "Not bad, I underestimated you." As Sigment got back up, he stared angrily at his opponent. Despite everything, he was still smiling.

"However, I grow tired of this. It's time I sent you to join your cla-" For a moment, Sigment couldn't tell what happened, but the man was sent forward with great force, colliding with the treeline. Only one person could punch like that. He turned around to see Sonya approaching, then walking past him to face their opponent. Her eyes were filled with fury. He had never seen her this serious. As the smoke cleared, the man rose up to acknowledge her. "Ahh, so you're here as well..."

"Touch him again and you die."

"Mmm, such fire..." A chuckle left his mouth as Karra arrived to support them. "Very well, I've had my fun." As he disappeared into the trees, his voice echoed around them. "If you wish to continue this little game, you can find me in Berlin. Until next time... boy."

"Get... back here..." Sigment moved to pursue him, before collapsing on the ground. The adrenaline rush that had kept him on his feet was fading, and he slowly began to drift out of consciousness....

__________________________________________________

Alright, sorry for the wait. With luck I'll have the next chapter out much faster. Jikai made!

Last edited by Sigment on Thu Sep 19, 2013 3:20 am, edited 4 times in total.

Awesome work, have to echo on Blood lord here. I enjoyed the villain and the fun that transpired. Goody-goody.

But do have some issues that I just had to bring up.

she sat silently in the dining area -ly word! -ly word! Sorry but I hate those things, especially when used unnecessarily. There's been studies that prove that '-ly' and '-ing' words do more damage than good. It's unneeded here as well as we get the idea that everyone else is still asleep, we'd associate that she's being silent not to wake them up... Unless she's like me, where I wake up my friends with a marching band drum while camping, in which case you should mention that she has that similar habit.The man slowly raised his arm. Before he realized it, the man had him by the throat. As he raised his head, Repetitiveness, you used raised twice, a strong and memorable word, so I find them to close to one another and could be swaped easily with another word of the same meaning and hopefully effectivness.In trying to get out of his grip THis looks like a typo?who that held him by the throat, Typo.His fist connected I have seen this used before, but not in a scene like this. It's too friendly and slow to be put here. Use something like he punched him, struck him or smacked his fist against him.