St. Patrick's Day is tough on a civic-minded, humanist
boozebag. I love New Year's Eve and Thanksgiving Morning and Arbor Weekend and
all the other "amateur hours" that too many self-proclaimed sophisticates haughtily dismiss, but Paddy's Day comes soaked with complications
beyond the rivers of glitter and puke that flow through the streets of whichever
part of your town is lousy with 22-year-olds. And it pains me to say this, because I hate being a townie
exceptionalist, but the March 17 situation is especially tricky in Boston.

St. Patrick's Day is an actual
municipal holiday here. It's conveniently rebranded as Evacuation
Day and purports to have something to do with the Revolutionary War, but in reality
it's just an extra day off when some of our more embarrassing citizens organize a hateful parade. Other cities have parades that are just as discriminatory, but they're not facilitated by paid vacation days for government employees. And other cities don't call their basketball team the Celtics. Irishness is still a big deal here, so the petty bigotry of the parade organizers matters more than it should.

BUT. St. Patrick's Day's all right if you ignore the
sectarian nonsense. If you're an open-minded, cabin-feverish drinker looking
for an excuse to dip a frostbitten toe into impolite society and give the liver
a workout before this winter's NCAA tournament kicks up next week, you should
get yourself into a nice Irish bar sometime between now and Tuesday morning.

The Irish beer market is less vibrant than national
reputation would suggest; now that Diageo owns Guinness and every other damn
thing, there's not a ton of room for new guys to pop up. In fact, six of the 11
beers on the list below are Guinness products. That's sort of lame, but also
sort of OK in the end because Guinness makes pretty good beer. Let's get
a-rankin'!

11.Guinness Black Lager

This deceptively thin gruel was introduced in 2010 in a
desperate attempt to attract the young male market that was turning away from
Guinness's traditionally heartier ales. Chasing the post-adolescent bro
demographic will screw you every time; this Coors Dark tastes like "Family Guy"
juice: Watery nonsense striving for edginess, with roasted barley standing in
for the talking dog. The bitter malt and light body clash in a way that's supposed
to be interesting but is instead merely dissonant.

10. Harp Lager

Great news, boozers! We're already moved into the good-beer
portion of the list. I hadn't had a Harp in several years and my expectations
were low, but it's much better than I remembered. It starts somewhat ominously as a pale
yellow pour with a thick white head and the barely perceptible smell of a beer
that is just striving to sneak its inoffensive way into the ranks of the
not-sucky. But the meek presentation is deceptive, as Harp is the rare macro-lager
with three distinct flavor phases. Sweet bready grain mellows into a rich,
almost buttery middle, with a small sucker punch of lemony hop bitterness at
the end. This is quintessentially Irish in the way it says, "Hi, I'm simple,
but not really. I love you, I truly do, and I mean no harm, oh by the way
here's a smack in the back of the head." Harp'll do.

9. Murphy's Pub
Draught Irish Stout

Damn it, this was disappointing. Murphy's is very similar to
Guinness Draught and I wanted it to be better, because wouldn't it be
interesting to prefer the lesser-known version? But no, despite being a better story (that story being, in short, that it's not Guinness), Cork's rendition
of the Dublin-based behemoth isn't a better beer.
Murphy's is plenty good enough for the likes of me, but it's milder and less
complex than Guinness, with a thinner body that gives it an ugly resemblance to Anheuser-Busch's mercifully discontinued Bare Knuckle Stout.

8. O'Hara's Irish
Stout

Carlow's version of a traditional dry Irish stout looks just
like the others but is distinguished by the persistence of the typical roasted coffee
element and a very long, dry finish that's pleasantly hoppy for the style. I
wouldn't argue with anyone who prefers this to Guinness Draught.

7. Smithwick's
Premium Irish Ale

This unassuming red ale makes a better-than-Bass base for
those who seek an all-Irish black-and-tan, and though it lacks any distinctive
qualities, the whole package adds up to a pretty good beer for a long day of
drinking. There's a hint of warm, dark fruit to the sweet toffee malt, which is
kept in check by a finish that's dry without being dirty or abrupt in the
manner of so many crappy American red ales.

6.Porterhouse Wrasslers XXXX Stout

This is an interesting beer, with a slight (and perhaps
accidental) whiff of sour cherries off-setting the thick, bittersweet
molasses flavor. It reminds me of a good American stout, with a little more
alcohol (5.7 percent by volume) than traditional Irish versions. Wrasslers is a
very good beer that gets downgraded slightly for tasting boozier than it is and
for costing twice as much as the other stouts on the list.

5.Guinness Draught

Guinness Draught claims best-in-breed for having a thicker
head than Murphy's and O'Hara's and for a two-tone flavor profile of sweet caramel along
with slightly bitter roasted coffee and chocolate. It's predictable and
ubiquitous and also the best beer a lot of people ever drink.

4.Porterhouse Brewing Company An Brain Blasta
(The Tasty Drop)

The label says this is "one for the aficionados," which is a
great slogan for an almost-great beer. The Tasty Drop is a 7 percent ABV strong
ale with a fruity malt base suggestive of red grapes and plums complemented by
Galena, Nugget, and East Kent Goldings hops. The predominant fruit flavors are
joined by a small dose of deluxe caramel, like the stuff you get not-quite-enough
of in the middle of a $7 candy bar, plus a toasted toffee note. This is an
ambitious and well-made beer that happens not to be brewed to my taste—but,
fuck me, you know?

3.Guinness Foreign Extra

Diageo has only been sending the Foreign Extra to the U.S.
for a few years, and it's about damn time. This is said to be the standard Extra Stout with bonus hops added to help it withstand shipping; it's the stout
version of the IPA creation legend. This indeed tastes very similar to the Extra, but with the noticeably beefier hops
hiding the coffee flavor. I like a bitter stout, but this might be too much,
since in this case the hops don't add fruit or flowers or any of the other pretty things that make, say, an excellent West Coast IPA both bitter and complex.

2. O'Hara's Irish Red

Oh man, this is one hell of a beer. It smells like sweet
fruit, maybe maraschino cherries or raspberries. It's bright and lively, with
the fruit complemented by a touch of milk chocolate and honest caramel—not as
fancy as in the An Brain Blasta, but not no Rolo bullshit, either. The finish
is dry and assertive, with just enough hops to keep everything on the up and
up. This is by far the best red ale I've had.

1. Guinness Extra
Stout

My favorite part of holiday drinking is smartening up my
morning coffee with a business-class measure of brandy; Guinness Extra Stout
tastes like some kindly beer fairy's already taken care of that chore. The strong good-coffee bitterness from the roasted barley is balanced by a faint but
sufficient sweet raisin kick before it closes with a fresh new brand of
bitterness from the hops. This is excellent beer.

Regardless of our positions on the Irish and their holidays,
we decent folk are united by our love of drinking. To boycott St. Patrick's Day
would be to cut your tongue off to spite your beer. I think? A bit of a fog has
rolled across my desk—those 11 beers didn't just rank themselves—but you
know what I mean. I mean you should go out and have yourself an Irish beer this
weekend. Gone are the days when Guinness was the best beer at the bar, but Irish brews are still damn fine stuff almost across the board (stupid
Black Lager).

I live in Massachusetts, which is a proud but anxious state with liberal policies regarding who can …
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Will Gordon loves life and tolerates dissent. He lives in Cambridge, Mass., and has visited all of the other New England states, including, come to think of it, Vermont. Find him on Twitter @WillGordonAgain