Giving Sports a Roundhouse Kick to the Nuts

July 2008

Thursday, July 31, 2008

The intention of this commercial of course comes with good thoughts in mind, as it is for a charity, but when we hear this "song" while listening to Mike & the Mad Dog or other WFAN programming, it makes us want to turn our balls into a shooting range. It makes us want to tie our heels to a speeding Corvette while it zig-zags through a busy, not-up-to-code construction site. It makes us want to do the Nestea Plunge into a pool of starving sharks with 50 pounds of choice steak dangling from our ankles.

If we were ever fortunate enough to meet the assclown who sings in the background seemingly every five minutes like some sort of twisted cartoon music teacher, we'd suplex him into a pile of defective Casio keyboards.

Please, for the sake of the sanity of your god damn listeners, end this torture.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Aaron Rodgers reacted earlier today after learning from Chris "Ribbit" Mortensen that Brett Favre had faxed his reinstatement letter to the NFL while simultaneously passing some noxious Sheboygan Brat gas in his living room. Exciting shit.

Well we took a look at Rodgers' quotes and it's clear he opted for the high road and said all the right things, which we commend him for considering the unique circumstances. But we had a funny hunch that he wasn't expressing it the way he truly wanted to.

See if you can fill in the blanks for Rodgers (answer key is upside down at bottom right -- and don't cheat)

"I'm not as ______ affected as you ______ guys think I ______ am or ______ should be," said Rodgers. "They told me I'm the ______ starter, and until that ______ changes, that's going to
be my ______ focus. I keep ______ saying that."

"I
have ______ confidence in myself and I have ______ confidence in how the ______ coaches on
the ______ staff feel about me," he said. "And he's not ______ here yet. We're still
______ dealing in ______ hypotheticals for the moment, until he ______ gets here."

We're learning lately that it's possible to get more out of Chris Russo's Mad Dog Minute on MSNBC simply by watching it without sound rather than listening to the accompanying words that go along with his animated gestures.

There are several different things that could be going on here, and to play it this way makes it much more of an adventure. Here are some ideas:

- He's explaining his side of a traumatizing encounter with a police officer

Monday, July 28, 2008

"Out forever." Such a beloved figure here in New York, that Carl Pavano. The only thing they neglected to do was call him Carla or Glass Joe, and throw in a mention about how his remarkable cigar face makes him look like he's been trapped in Donnie Walsh's ashtray for weeks.

... sure can pull off a mean Miss Piggy impression... is wearing a live rattlesnake as a belt... has no idea Forest Whitaker is looking straight down her dress... is about to say, "Stella, STEL-LA!!!!!!!"... is seconds away from watching her hair challenge Michelle Tafoya's space helmet to a ladder match... rocks a stunning 'Kate Moss at 5am' impression... is a doll... is wearing Estelle Getty's dress... is making Tim Gunn cry... is waiting for Vincent Ludwig to activate her with his special keychain... stole Steven Tyler's face... thinks she's in the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp

Sunday, July 27, 2008

ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball was already off the charts tonight with their new 'bathroom stall' camera feature, but the stunning presence of a completely insane Orel Hershiser, proud new owner of the greatest Joker portrayal to date, simply stole the show.

Did John Miller forget to wear pants? Did Steve Phillips suddenly go back to his part-in-the-middle look when the camera panned away? Did Elaine give him the Uncle Leo treatment and paint angry eyebrows on his face? Whatever it is, this normally mild-mannered individual wants to kick the living shit out of everyone.

At this point Hershiser has the entire nation mentally crippled in a highly uncomfortable and paranoid state, yet John Miller thinks the guy is an absolute ray of light, like he's making god damn balloon animals and handing out cotton fuckin' candy.

What happened to this dude? If an alien tears out of his stomach and hops on Miller's head to act as an unflattering toupee, we won't exactly be surprised.

Dick Towel? Dick Towel!

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