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SANTA ROSA BEACH-We here at the Times-Picayune get just as frustrated as anyone trying to maximize our football viewing pleasure while having to deal with pesky relative visits and archaic religious holidays. So we decided to post a guide to some of the remaining bowl games that peaked our interest. We have omitted the participant teams, times, and stations so that you can print out the guide and use it in the years to come. Please consult your local listings for broadcast times and networks. We have tried when possible to give locations, sponsors, and announcers.

The Viagra-Cialis Erectile Dysfunction Bowl-Groton, Connecticut Sponsor: Pfizer Play by play: Michael Douglas Color commentary by Charlie Sheen CAUTION: Be sure to consult a physician if this game goes into overtime.

The Obamacare DEATH PANEL Bowl-Washington, D.C. Sponsor: healthcare.gov Play by play: Kathleen Sebeleius Color commentary by Satan, Prince of Darkness

Unfortunately a few bowls had to be canceled this year:

The Chevron Global Warming Bowl-The North Pole (Canceled due to inclement weather)

The Compassionate Conservative Bowl-Washington, D.C. (Canceled because of low attendance)

The Keith Olbermann Miscreant Bowl-New York, New York (Canceled due to low ratings)

We at the Cretonia Times-Picayune hope that this guide helps you in your quest to view or record as many football games as possible during the holiday season. Of course we believe that American football cannot compare with the beautiful game as played in the Barclay’s Premier League. We highly recommend it.