Sunday, May 24, 2009

Bread Heels & Ringtones: A Rant

You know who I feel bad for? The end crusts in a loaf of bread. Bread heels. Now, if you were to argue that bread heels are more ‘what’ than ‘who’, I say hey - bread heels are people too.

Okay, not really.

Let’s be honest… who likes the bread heels? Nobody. Nobody likes them. Even when mentioning this to a friend, she said, "Eww, I don't eat those. I give them to my dog." And anyone who says they do is just saying it to spite you. They’ll even eat the bread heels to prove to you that they like them, or spout some ridiculous bread heel recipe like bread pudding or toad-in-a-hole or something - but deep down, no one likes bread heels.

C’mon. Be serious. It’s one side of bread and one side of dirty bread crust skin.

Most of us are honest about it. When we open a new bag of bread, we push the top slice aside so we can get a healthy slice with two sides of bread. Then when you’ve made enough peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for your teddy bear picnic and the bag dwindles down to just the two bread heels, what do you do? Toss them in garbage. Eff the bread heels. Who in their right mind would make a sandwich with two bread heels?

My grandpa used to say, “Bread heels aren’t right because they’re all that’s left.”

Or perhaps he would have if he shared my prejudiced views on bread heels. I don’t know if he did. But it’s quotable, so it stays.

Hey, how did the band Bread get their name? Who wants to be called bread? Were they just sitting around at breakfast trying to come up with something and decide to go with bread? They were probably that close to being called Scrambled Eggs.

And speaking of a ridiculous segue into music, what is it that prompts people to pull out their phones and decide they have to share their ringers with everyone in the room? They blast a polyphonic rendition of Jay-Z’s H To The Izzo that they got suckered into buying for $2.50 and go, “Hey man, do you know what this is?” Then continue to go through the list of ringers they have on their phone, including one of Tom Hanks yelling “THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!” from A League of Their Own (okay, that one was mine).

Which prompts everyone else to pull out their phones, at which point you’re stuck in a ringtone version of duck duck goose where you never know who’s going to chime in next and be all, “This is the ringer I use for Jody and this is the ringer I use for Meghan.” And this goes on for a good five minutes until someone finally pipes up, “Okay, let’s stop. This is stupid.”

BONUS: WENDY'S COMBO SIZES

I don't know when Wendy's decided to go from regular fries-and-drink combo to different combo sizes, but when you go to Wendy's now they ask if you want a small, medium or large. The secret is that the medium is the old large, the small is the old medium and the large is pretty much a tub. So if you just want the regular combo, order a small.