Narcissism And Codependency

People who are dependent upon narcissists, alcoholics, or drug addicts are called codependents. The term “codependence” originated with the ‘co-alcoholic’ behavior observed in the spouses and children of alcoholics. Family members frequently exhibited the psychological defenses (like denial) and survival behaviors of the alcoholic which resulted in the extension of the disease from the individual to the entire family. Codependents of narcissists do the same thing which results in an extension of the narcissism from the individual to the entire family or other environment (workplace or community organization, etc). Codependents lack clear ego boundaries, that is, they don’t know where their selves end and others begin leading to enmeshed or fused relationships.

People with codependency issues are drawn to others who are confident and self-assured. Narcissists flaunt those qualities like peacocks, putting on a behavioral display of superiority and self-importance. Codependents admire these qualities, and narcissists crave admiration which often results in a perfect pairing (or the “perfect storm”). Codependents have a strong tendency to get involved in toxic relationships, such as with narcissists or other abusers who are emotionally unavailable or needy.

Narcissists seek relationships with subservient individuals who will reinforce their feelings of superiority and power. A codependent partner is ideal for a narcissist as the codependent was brought up in a family environment that taught them to avoid confrontation at all cost. Furthermore, the narcissist’s constant need for attention is satisfied by the indecisive codependent’s constant need to check with him/her before making any choice or decision of any kind.

As the codependent prioritizes the narcissist’s needs ahead of her own, she begins to feel the need to defend the behavior of her narcissistic partner, boss or friend. (I will use the female pronoun as more females are codependents and more males are narcissists). She begins to utilize the same psychological defenses and survival behaviors as the narcissist. The codependent’s behavior starts to be characterized by dishonesty and denial, similar to the narcissist.

Definition

The most commonly understood term for a codependent is “enabler”. Other terms that are sometimes used for codependents include ‘follower’, ‘covert narcissist’, ‘inverted narcissist’ and ‘co-narcissist’. Wikipedia defines codependency as “a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.” Codependency occurs in all types of interpersonal relationships including family, work, friends/peers, romantic partnerships, or even in community relationships. Codependency is characterized by the use of denial, low self-esteem, and excessive compliance. Narcissists are often called “natural magnets” due to the way codependents are drawn to them.

Wikipedia further explains thatcodependency is a behavior usually learned in the family of origin. Basically, it entails a person entering a relationship with another person and becoming emotionally dependent on him or her. Codependent individuals have an exaggerated sense of responsibility toward the other people in their lives and do more than their share in the relationships. Codependents are sensitive to criticism, are inflexible to change, and have problems with intimacy. Lastly, codependency is not considered a mental disorder although it can be diagnosed by a mental health professional.

Signs of codependency

taking responsibility for someone else’s actions

worrying or carrying the burden for others’ problems

covering up to protect others from reaping the consequences of their poor choices

doing more than is required at work or at home to earn approval

feeling obligated to do what others expect without consulting one’s own needs

manipulating others’ responses instead of accepting them at face value

being suspicious of receiving love, not feeling “worthy” of being loved

in a relationship based on need, not out of mutual respect

trying to solve someone else’s problems, or trying to change someone

life being directed by external rather than internal cues (“should do” vs. “want to do”)

enabling someone to take one’s time or resources without one’s consent

neglecting one’s own needs in order to care for someone who doesn’t want to care for themselves

will give gifts or rewards in order to keep a relationship going

stops all social activities and involvement in order to become more involved in the life of someone else

will continue “helping” even if the person they are involved with is abusive

What are some of the symptoms?

controlling behavior

distrust

perfectionism

avoidance of feelings

intimacy problems

caretaking behavior

hyper-vigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)

physical illness related to stress

Long term codependency can lead to more serious problems like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, and other self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors (similar to the narcissist but for different reasons).Furthermore, codependents are more likely to attract abuse from aggressive individuals, more likely to stay in toxic jobs or relationships, less likely to seek medical attention, and less likely to get work promotions. Codependents frequently earn less money than those without codependency issues.

At first glance, narcissism and codependency seem to be on the opposite sides of the spectrum: narcissists excessively focus on themselves while codependents excessively focus on others. Yet both conditions cause a person to have an unrealistic self-image, with one experiencing exaggerated self-esteem and the other experiencing excessively low self-esteem.

Alex Graduated in Neuro-Psychology at the University of Amsterdam. He worked a few years in a nursing home where he specialized himself in neurodegenerative disorders (alzheimer, parkinson), Personality Disorders and Emotional disorders (depression). Now he specializes in sharing his knowledge on public websites. View all posts by Alexander Burgemeester »

5 Responses to “Narcissism And Codependency”

Alexander, Thank you for compiling this information. I began researching my Mother’s behavior after recently spending time with her at the hospital due to an Uncle’s illness and his resulting funeral. I found your sight and became consumed at the accurate description of my mother’s nasty behavior. I’m a fifty two year old well educated unemotional female…and I cried for hours. My entire life is explained within these website pages. When Mom is good, she is so good and I perk up with hope for a nice ending to our story. However, out of the blue she drips venom through smiling lips and publicly spits insults to the scapegoats closes to her, the ones that do the most for her. Her despicable actions, hateful thoughts and venomous words has no boundaries. Your website is the lens bringing my world into focus for the first time… the impact on my life. I married a worse version of my mother and divorced him twenty two years ago. Not trusting myself to date…because I would navigate to a new monster, I have been alone all that time with no interest in changing that dynamic. I’m an empty nester as of this year, I began to take stock of my life. I don’t trust anyone. My perfectionism slows me down at work, depression is a normal state of being, I decline social engagements, I’m compelled to solve other’s problems, definitely have intimacy problems,…s**t the list goes on. I want to change this dynamic! How do I do that? Who really understands the impact of these monsters hiding in human clothing, simply asking for a therapist is not enough.

When you realize they’re not monsters unless you enable them, it’s really eye opening and empowering. I like the discussions by Ross Rosenberg where he describes codependency as the Human Magnet Syndrome and describes codependency as actually self- love deficit disorder. It begins by accepting ourselves first that we can truly heal.

Thank you so much for making sense of my life. Two years ago my parents moved in with us as they looked for a house in the area. It became apparent very quickly that behaviours I had overlooked or accepted as a child and older were very uncomfortable – I quickly got some help and realised that my father ticked every box on the NPD scale – which was ironic as that was what he and my mother had said about my husband. My husband is not a narcissist – but I had been made to wonder. After a few turbulent months they moved out and it was “our fault” for making them uncomfortable – well we did discover that people with NPD have temper tantrums and that the co-dependent will do everything possible to rescue them and make excuses for them. My father recently died and has left my mother to cope on her own and isolated from all family – my concern is what happens to the co-dependent when the narcissisti has gone – is she likely to transfer her attention to someone else?