thoughts of a sober white women

Monday, February 20, 2012

Well, here I am six weeks out from major surgery, and I am doing so much better! If I had been totally honist with myself and everyone else, well, lets just say I was on the edge of a breakdown.

Never in my life I had I been through a major surgery, had my own dead flesh floating in bathtub or even been so dependent on someone else. Never in my life have I looked down at my chest and seen holes where puss and blood just flowed out. Never in my life have I had someone say to me "you really need some mood stabelizing drugs."

After I was no longer on the edge, my surgeon gave me all the details about my surgery and what was going on. I have a super bacterial infection that cannot be cured by meds. Which I figured. It is by chance that the infection settled in my breast because it could have settled any where. The largest hole in my chest was about three inches and it reached my chest cavity wall. I bled so bad that they had to coterize some of my flesh, and he almost gave me blood. One of my other holes, well the stitches popped open so that also had to be packed. The glands in my arms are about the size of an acorn, but they are starting to get smaller.

I had to take a bath twice a day. Not just any bath, but a nice hot bath where my chest was under water. That did help me remove all the packing, but it also helped get all the dead stuff out. To say the very least it was painful. Then everyday, twice a day Rusty would have to pack my sores. That was also very painful.

Today, my holes are almost healed. I never thought I would see the day when skin would once again cover the holes in my chest. My arms and chest are still very tender and lifting and holding things can still hurt me, but I am getting stronger every day.

Monday, January 23, 2012

While I was laid up people kept asking me what I needed. I really only "needed" one thing and that was one of those pillows with arms. I would just make it so much easier for me to sit up and even get some sleep. However I was not going to ask someone for that.

So i put a post up on freecycle and asked if anyone had that pillow. Even while being sick, I am still cheap, and I am still trying to be green. Its me and that will never change. Anyway, one of my girlfriends saw my ad, and she shot me an e mail asking me if i had gotten any response. I told her that I had not.

A few days later my girlfriend, who works with low income and homeless people, stopped by to pick up some food for a family in need. i was so shocked to see her walk into the house carrying a huge bed bath and beyond bag. I can't believe she went out and bought me the pillow!

Another girlfriend texted me and said "I am target and I am getting you something, so what do you need?" I had her get me some snack crackers and coke, which I did need. I still felt bad by taking something for someone else.

I found out that women's Bible study was getting ready to start, and i really wanted to go. I miss those ladies, and I really needed the encouragement. So one of my girlfriends picked me up, and off we went. When i go to Bible study i try to sit with different people, so I can grow and get to know other people.

Some how the subject of me came up, and how I did not ask for help after i had my surgery. I told them that I find it hard to ask for help, because i am the one that people come to for help. You need food? ok let me clean out my pantry, you need?.....I am always there to help, so taking help is very hard for me. Then an older reserved lady said "you know when people off er to help you need to let them, because you could be denying them the right to be a blessing."

I shut up. She was right. I really need to work on accepting help, in any form. This is a lesson I need to learn, and I have a feeling that I will have plenty of time to work on it.

My hubby continues to be my caregiver, and my rock. He continues to change and pack my bandages. I would love to complain and say "Rusty, I can drive myself to the store, Rusty I fold the laundry, Rusty....." I just can't complain because my husbands love me and he is doing everything he can to keep me safe. I am blessed and I have the best husband ever!

Friday, January 20, 2012

When I came out of surgery, well I felt good, I was sleeping good and I felt no pain. The the nurse started calling my name. I should have never answered them. I felt so good in that deep sleep.

I am awake. I have two deep holes in my chest. Yep, both breast have holes in them. Today I finally looked at my breast, and I just wanted to cry! I have never been a super model, but to look in the mirror and see two holes, just made me want to cry.

When I called Rusty up and told him that I was ready to have him pack my holes, well I just started crying. I told Rusty that i was so sorry that he had to look at these ugly holes every day.

I cant wear a bra. I wear ace bandages. Yep, we pack my holes, and then add more gauze's, and wrap my chest with an ace bandage. Yes, everyone it is just so sexy. The other day i was looking for something to wear and I pulled this shirt that I loved. I just shoved it back into the drawer and started crying. I cant ware that shirt because between that shirt and the ace bandage not only would I look like i have any boobs but the shirt would make my chest look more deformed.

The surgeon say that I am healing good. All my test came back as cancer. We were so happy about that, that we forgot to ask what exactly is going on. The cat scan shows a major infection and the surgeon said that I still have a long road a head of me. I have another appointment next week, and this time I will remember to ask the surgeon what the hell is going on. I would love to know how I got this infection.

I am still moving real slow. I still have no appetite, and I get worn out just by doing simple task. I am told that this will improve with time. I hope so.

What I have learned so far: That i must slow down. That my husband loves me no matter what. I have learned that I am not super women.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

This week has gone by so fast that I am not even sure where to start. Last Sunday night I said to Rusty "baby my boob hurts, so I am going to the er, I will call you if I need a ride home." I been waiting to go to the e.r. because I wanted to wait until Jan 1 so all my money would go to this years deductible.

Not only was one breast swollen and sore, but the other one was starting to get that way. I figured they would give me some meds and send me on my way. OH they gave me antibiotics and pain meds via iv. So I had to call Rusty to call and come get me. On Monday I went and got my prescription's filled and started a hunt for a doctor that would take my champ va insurance.

Wednesday night I went and saw a family practice doctor and he was shocked had swollen my boobs were. The doctor thought he was going to drain them, but I assured him that without some extreme pain meds, he would not be draining them. I went on to explain that the last doctor that tried to drain them without strong drugs ended up pitting a line in me and giving me very strong meds. The Doctor and the nurse were in shock. They just could not believe that i was walking around with swollen boobs, and that i have been walking around like this for so long. The Doctor gave me a prescription for Oxycontin, and they set me up for an ultra sound. May i say for the record that oxy is a wonderful drug.

Thursday morning I got up and went in for my ultra sound. Then a lady comes out and asked me if i had ever had a mammogram. I told her yes, and then she asked me if i wanted to get another one done today. I tried to explain to her that I was there for an ultra sound and nothing more, but she kept trying to get me to say that i wanted a mammogram. NO bitch I don't want a mammogram. I have puss dripping from my boob and I will be damned if you are going to press my boobs between two plates!

I got home from the ultra sound and I was in pain, so I took a pain pill and laid down. No sooner had I laid down that my phone rang. It was the nurse from the doctors office. She had found a surgeon that would be willing to me, but I had to be in his office before 1 pm. OK i can do that. Rusty got dressed and drove me over there.

What I did not know at the time was that the surgeons fax machine was about to catch fire! He had every doctor, and hospital fax over every record from the past two years. The doctor knew more about me then any stranger had a right to.

After looking at my breast, we went and got Rusty and we decided that surgery would be the best way to handle this. I was immediately taken over to the e.r. and was admitted to the hospital. After sever test and some really good pain drugs, all I can remember is the nurse saying my name and trying to wake me up. I wish she would have left me a sleep, because I was in no pain while i was a sleep.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Yesterday Rusty and I went to an estate auction. I saw a ton of stuff That I wanted to bid on. Rusty well not so much. So I went and got a number. Silly boy, I can bid without you!

Rusty walked away to answer a phone call and when he came back I was in the middle of a group of guys. all he heard was sold to 116. Then the item was up for bidding. That was when rusty spotted me going toe to toe with a group of guys! Then Rusty heard sold to 116. I walked away with a grin on my face, and that was when it hit Rusty. He said "What all did you buy?"

Well if he must know, I bought a table that i thought would be perfect for my new sewing room, and a dresser from the 1940's. Then i was off to inspect some more items. Rusty was running around trying to keep up with me.

Once again Rusty walked away to answer a call, and he came back to find me bidding on a copper top built in bar! Sold to 116! Rusty shook his head and asked if i had really bought it. Yep. Then he wanted to know I planned on getting it out since there was cement holding it to the floor. HMM I am thinking sledge hammer.

We got the table and dresser home, and I started cleaning them up, and I got some wood conditioner on them. The table is amazing! It has a leaf in it, and then we found the makers stamp. Turns out that it was made in the late 1920's and it was made right here in LA. I am still thinking it will look nice in my sewing room, Rusty thinks cash in his hand would look better. We will see.

This morning we went to destroy the bar. Rusty was still grumbling about this purchase. OH just grab some tools and lets go. It only took us an hour to destroy the bar. Turns out that the copper was thicker then Rusty thought. Turns out the foot railing was all brass. We took the copper and brass to the recycling center and we tripled what I paid for the bar! Suddenly Rusty was smiling, and he said "I had my doubt, but that was a good call baby!"

The above picture was taken on Nikkis graduation day. Sometimes I still can't believe that she moved to Oklahoma!

A year before she moved a marine named Stephen asked Nikki if she wanted to go hang out. Nikki said sure, but asked him to pick her up at the beach, since we had already made plans to go.

Nikki and i had a great day at the beach. For the most part we had the beach to ourselves. So we walked down to the river, collected shells, picked up trash, you know normal things. The one thing we forgot to do was to put on sunscreen, so we were burnt to a crisp.

Nikki called Stephen and asked him to pick up some lotion before he came down to the beach. OH Stephen showed with the biggest bottle of lotion we had ever seen, but it was also Nikkis favorite type of lotion.

Nikki and Stephen left. They had dinner, went to a movie, went bowling, and Stephen got back to base just in time to change into his uniform, and grab his gear.

While Stephen was deployed Nikki went on with life. Stephen and Nikki e mailed, and once in a while they were able to skype. Then Stephen came home, and can we say that the rest is history.

Stephen got out of the marine corp, and Nikki followed him out there. Rusty and I are very happy with this choice. Stephen is a good guy and he is just what Nikki needed.

I miss Nikki, but I talk to her all the time, I send her care packages every month. I don't care how old she is, she is still my kid, so I need to send her my love. Rusty and I are going to go visit them in April, and I can't wait to see her!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

These two cute little ones are Brice (bubba) and Sissy, and every time I see them I do nothing but smile.

Over the last couple of years I had met their mom and dad,( Kristen and Jessy) but just in passing. Then on day they all come over to house. Rusty needed help with something, so he asked one of friends, and our friend brought them over.

At first I could have cared less either way. I had a massive infection in my boob. I was on meds and I could not lift my arm without being in unthinkable pain. I was really in no mood to entertain company or chase children around.

I had just asked Rusty to pull my hair back when everyone walked in. Kristen looked at Rusty and laughed and ask "Just what are you trying to do?" Kristen came over and took the rubber band out of Rusty's hand. Then the guys went to the garage. Great. Now i have some strange women playing with my knotted, dirty nasty hair!

Then out of the blue Kristen says "would you like to brush your hair?" Girl, i have a ton of curly long hair that has not been brushed in a week, but sure you can give it a shot. So i went and got the brush. I have a tough scalp. I guess I have gotten use to people pulling my hair out while they try to brush. (and because my grandmother would turn the brush around and thump me on the head if I moved)

Kristen did such a great job, and it did not hurt one bit. Then she says "would you like me to wash your hair?" What? Is this chick for real? I went and got the shampoo and conditioner, and she got to washing my hair. It felt so good to have clean hair. After she brushed my hair again Kristen said " would you like me to trim your hair?" All I could think is "who are you and why would you do something nice for me?

Well Kristen got out her scissors and she trimmed up my hair. I had no idea she was a no shit beautician!

After all of that was done, I made us all some pb&j, and filled our glasses with milk. The kids acted as if i gave them a gourmet meal! Then i offered them some cookies. Yep, I think that is when the kids started to like me.

Kristen and I took the kids out front so they could play, and we sat and talked. OH we also laughed at whatever the guys were trying to do. Anyway, Kristen turned out to be a sweet hart, and the babies, well they are just amazing.

What i find amazing about the "babies" is the fact that they have remind me of the simple joys in life. Weather that is eating cookies and milk or playing bubbles in the front yard. Over the summer Kristen and I would meet at the beach and once again the babies showed me the simple joys of life, like covering your feet with sand, or watching the fish jump.

Kristen taught me that there some people who are just really good people and who want or expect nothing of you. These are the kind of people I NEED in my life. I am so blessed to be Mrs. Kelli, and to be able to spoil the babies, and I am even more blessed that their parents are now our friends.

Now I just wish they were not in the military. They should be moving this summer, so my time with all of them is limited.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Here I am. I made it through another year. I took a break from blogging, and then I started video blogging about my health issues. Those can be found on my you tube channel. Then I stopped blogging all together.

Last year was full of learning, and changing my mind.

Lets start with learning. I learned that some people will walk out on you when you need them the most, but I also learned that other people will walk in when you need them the most.

I learned that I raised very strong girls who have turned into driven young women, and for that I am so thankful!

I learned, again, that life is about living, and I got back to it!

I learned that I do not have to agree with my mother, but she is still my mother no matter what.

Changes, well there have been many. While doctors want to do nothing about my breast tumor and cyst, I changed my mind set and got back to living a full life. One of the best things I did for myself was to get back into the ocean and start body surfing again! I now have to wear a wet suit to help keep sand out of my open sore, but hey at least I am back in the water.

I have changed my mind on my hair. I said that if I did have cancer that I was going to cut it off and donate it. Now I am waiting for it to hit 36 inches and then I will cut 10 inches off. I have never in my life had long hair and I am really enjoying it.

Chris and Nikki have changed locations, so I had to change from mom to long distance friend. Chris is now stationed at Cherry Point, and Nikki moved to Oklahoma with her boyfriend. Yes you read that right.

I am ready for this year. I have walked a long hard road the last few years, but that's o.k. I always tell my children to handle everything with grace and dignity because other people are watching, well I must have done the same thing because this year people have told me that they have been watching me. I am glad that I took the high road even when I did not want to.

My goal for this year is to get back to blogging. Not for me, but for my children. They know I blog, and I want them to have these blogs long after I am gone. I also want to try something new every month. I need to push myself to get out of my box and my comfort zone.

About Me

I am a stay at home mom. I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life. I keep it real here and I hold nothing back. My life is a roller coaster ride, so strap on your seatbelt.... here we go!