potty all the time

They don’t call this the dead of winter for nothing. Bitter cold. No sunshine. Cooped-up kids tearing the house apart as you slowly tear out your hair. No new episodes of The Walking Dead for nearly a month.

And the sickness – the never ending cycle of sickness.

Mid-winter is always rough for families with kids, and this year has been particularly infectious. Aside from getting a flu shot, the most effective way to prevent illness is to wash your hands. Every doctor, childcare professional, teacher, parent, and educational Muppet has been drilling this into your kids’ heads since birth. And yet, based on personal experience of how regularly my child practices responsible (unassisted) hygiene, it’s a wonder we’re not in the midst of a full-blown toddler zombie apocalypse. Here are five reasons why…

It’s no secret that the struggle with our 4-year-old and food has been long, frustrating and fraught with many, many carbs. As with a lot of kids his age, tastes change as frequently as the Power Rangers’ uniforms. Sometimes it’s Banana Week, other times Apple Week. But it’s almost nearly never an Anything Green Week — which is surprising since green has been his favorite color since he could tell us so.

Yet as we near his fifth birthday, in addition to the personal goals, the promises are starting to pile on as well. Thanks to a book we recently read, Jon now knows that broccoli gives you gas, which elicited the expected glee (and gas). Seeing an opportunity to encourage some veggie digestion, I played up how fun it would be to eat broccoli and all the smelly farts he would have. Being my well-trained son, he of course took it to the next level, proclaiming…

As long as he’s eating healthy, I suppose I can wear a gas mask during dinner. But I’m not holding my breath.

I know I’m extremely excited to be experiencing all kinds of firsts for those three days… My first time attending Dad 2.0 Summit. First trip to New Orleans. And my first time to meet many of my fellow Cottonelle Brand Bumbassadors that have been bombarding you with poop-tweets and judging your own poems worthy to be praised or flushed.

We’re going to be announcing our final two weekly winners on Monday, November 4, so do your doo diligence, and get to haiku-ing. Because you could then be the BIG winner of the trip to Dad 2.0, which we announce a mere two days after that, on November 6!

In the meantime, I thought I’d spend the last few hours of Halloween (OH MY GOD I’M SO EXHAUSTED MY SON IS FOUR AND WENT TO ALL THE HOUSES AND ATE ALL THE CANDY!) introducing you to our fine and fancy gang of fellows who’ve served as your judge and jury these last several weeks.

And YES, you too can meet us all live (-ish) and in person in New Orleans if you win the BIG PRIZE! That right there should be motivation to get off your bum and get to Twittering.

So here they are (better-late-than-never) THE MONSTERS OF DAD BLOGGING BRAND BUMBASSADORS:

So, yeah. I’m doing toilet paper commercials on my blog now. Wondering how dear old Designer Dad fits this one into his otherwise awesome site about design and daddyhood and other cool, bloggy-type stuff? Simple, really.

FIRST:Being a dad involves A LOT of poop. And pee. And wiping. And quite a bit on the kiddo, too. If I need to explain this further, you’ve clearly never been around a child (or a grown man), or been one yourself.

SECOND:I love me some contests and giveaways and free stuff! Being a fancy-pants Brand Ambassador and all, I can’t actually win any of this stuff. But I’m pleased as punch to share it with all my awesome readers!

So what’s the free stuff?
Cottonelle is giving away a $200 Amazon gift card every Monday between now and November 4 — seven in all. The grand poo-bah prize is an all-expenses paid trip to the Dad 2.0 Summit conference in New Orleans, Jan 30-Feb 1, 2014. Airfare, two nights at the J.W. Marriott Hotel, registration fees — the whole shebang. Hebang, rather.

THIRD:To enter, all you do is write haiku about poo.(Okay, not exactly about poo, but it rhymed and was super cute.) You know how I love a clever turn of phrase, so this part’s a real hoot for me. Flex those clever craniums, fill your poems full of puns about keeping clean, tweet them with the hashtags #LetsTalkBums and #Haiku, and you’re in!

I and the other 6 way-more-illustrious bloggers will be tweeting haiku right along with you for fun, and then judging our favorite each week. One of those seven weekly winners will be chosen randomly as our big winner.

Break the lines with a return or a “/” and don’t forget to tag each tweet with #LetsTalkBums and #Haiku.

OMG, THIS IS SO LONG AND NOW I HAVE TO GO PEE!
BUT ONE MORE THING!
Join me and the other Cottonelle Dads for a Twitter Party, hosted by Whit Honea on Monday, September 30 from 8-9pm EST. Use hashtag #LetsTalkBums and come ready to win a $50 Amazon gift card or two, an iPad mini, and hang around as we announce the first $200 weekly winner!

[Disclaimer: I am being compensated by Kimberly-Clark for my participation in my role as a Brand Ambassador. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. All opinions are mine and/or JJ’s.]

A wee bit ago, I got my all-time oddest product review request. It was for UBBAS bath toys, which are essentially rubber cups — somewhat people-shaped — that can hold hands, hug, and pee. They come in four varieties: Papa, Mama, Brother and Sister. Did I mention the peeing part? Because Papa and Brother UBBA pee straight out, while Mama and Sister UBBA pee straight down.

Yup, a gay toy that pees. I told you it was odd.

I OF COURSE SAID YES. Who better to review a cleverly-designed toy for kids with gay parents?

The family that pees together, um… I got nothin.

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UBBAS Bath Cups were created by designer Rob Spalding as a tool that offers a fun, loving representation of family for kids of same-sex parents. Each is sold separately, so I got 2 Papas and 1 Brother, natch. It’s also meant to open dialog with your kids about their bodies. You know, because of the peeing.

Now I’ve been griping since before JJ was born about the lack of books, toys, shows, etc. that portray kids with same-sex parents. It’s a large part of what motivates me to blog or do any of the advocacy I do – to make sure JJ sees other examples of families like his, so that he’s confident and well-equipped to answer questions or deal with conflicts he might face because of his unique family makeup. But I’ll admit to being a little weirded out by this toy. I’m a fairly liberal guy, but the thought of mixing same-sex parents, bath time and peeing just sounded skeevy. Not to mention a tough sell to mainstream America.

We’re currently trudging towards the epic milestone of bowel autonomy. JJ had one rapturous success, got derailed (understandably so) by our trip to Italy, and has yet to regain his commode momentum. We’ve employed several potty training tools, which so far have produced squat in the way of results. But I thought I’d share them with you since I think they’re fun. And who knows — hopefully they’ll work for someone else in the same, um… poodicament*.

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DC Super Friends in POTTY TIME POWER!

This book is all kinds of awesome — each page features a different DC superhero explaining some aspect of potty training (Superman blows away a giant stack of diapers! Plastic Man shows how much toilet paper is the right amount! Flash warns to give yourself enough time to get to the can!) Many of the pages have flaps for your child to reveal more fun and action, and there are 2 full pages of stickers! The book is nice and thick and well-laminated to avoid any bathroom mishaps or accidental drops in the tub/sink/commode. ($8.99 on Amazon)

And oh yeah, my man Aquaman gives a lesson (kind of) on the importance of washing up afterwards!

So far the book hasn’t “worked,” but its repeated use has helped JJ’s spelling. And the fact that it’s chock full o’ heroes makes it a wee bit more bearable for me to read over and over and over.READ FULL ARTICLE >>

We’re not in full-on toilet training mode just yet, but it’s just around the corner. Every time Papa or I go to the bathroom, JJ runs in after us shouting “PEEPEEPOOPOO! PEEPEEPOOPOO!” He then sits on his own ‘lil training seat (below), hops up in a few seconds, then pulls its lever to “flush.” Isn’t that just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen? Yes, I realize I may change my mind once it has actual urine and feces in it…

JJ’s other potty duty dooty is flushing the toilet for us, and then waving “Bye bye pee pee!”, closing the lid*, and then washing his hands. So far all of his bathroom experiences have been pretty non-traumatic (other than trying to flush a full roll of paper) which I hear is key in a successful transition to big-boy pants.

So you can imagine my alarm when my Mom sent me this photo, asking if we wanted it for JJ.

This monstrosity is my Dad’s training toilet, unearthed while my parents were going through my recently deceased Grandmother’s things. Last used during the Truman administration, it looks to be made entirely of dark wood, with a faded Dick & Jane-type illustration on the back. While I’m all about vintage furnishings, I couldn’t see us using this for anything except maybe an outdoor planter. Or perhaps if we lived in the American Horror Story house.

I mean seriously — faced with the daunting task of pooping on your own for the first time, which would you prefer? The bright-and-shiny, super-smiley “Cheer for Me! Potty? Or the miniature electric chair? I don’t know how anyone survived childhood before Fisher-Price…

*We also recently purchased these awesome toilet seats (I know, I’m getting excited about toilet seats…) that close slowly so as not to smash baby’s fingers. We even got one that’s called “Next Step” and has a smaller training seat magnetically attached to the lid that can come down to aid in potty training. Ain’t technology grand?

Once again, the most recent episode of Modern Family paralleled our own lil’ modern fam, what with Lily dropping the F-bomb and all…

A week or so ago JJ uttered his first foul phrase — and while not nearly as gasp-inducing (or laughter-inducing, if you’re Cam), it still took us by surprise as it was out of nowhere and not in response to anything in particular.

I’m sure you’re wondering what our wee cherub said, but I admit I’m hesitant to say since Grandma and Nonna both have frequented this site on occasion. And while I make no pretense that this blog is merely a sweet and sugary photo album of their precious favorite grandson, let’s just say his words were not ones a Baptist minister’s wife or devout Italian Catholic would choose as JJ’s first foray into profanity.

Our initial response was to ignore it. When it came around a few days later, I responded, “Let’s say ‘I love you’ instead, m’kay?” Tonight he again repeated it — once more totally out of the blue — and I ignorantly asked him where he heard it. His initial response was to point the finger at his sitter. His sweet-as-pie, 60-year old, Mormon sitter. I was skeptical. So I ran down the list of more logical suspects. Did you hear Daddy say it? Yes. Papa? Yes. Bita (the sitter – thought I’d check again) Yes. Cordi? (the dog) Yes.

Well, we’ve got a mystery on our hands, don’t we? That, or we’re about to make a fortune off our cursing dog…

So what was your child’s first curse word? At what age? And how did you deal with it? I’m not just fishing to get comments — I really am seeking the knowledge (and empathy) of those who’ve walked this dirty road before.