I am sick of sitting in your urine

Ladies, I am tired of using a public toilet that is covered in your piss because you are too germophobic to actually sit your ass down on the seat. Instead, you pee while your ass hovers above, 12-24 inches of air protecting your precious butt from public toilet cooties. I am not concerned about pubic crabs or toilet bugs or a rat coming out of the toilet bowl and biting my coochie or whatever the hell you crazy anti-sitters worry about, and I will sit down and make myself comfortable while I pee. When I was toilet trained, I sat down on my potty chair and didn't poise my two-year-old hind end above the seat and old habits die hard. So.

A major side effect of the squatting trend is the little droplets of pee your squatting leaves all over the toilet seat. Don't even tell me you try to wipe the seat clean after you splash it. Just don't. Wiping a public toilet seat with sub-par toilet paper is even more disgusting than sitting on a toilet and is something that even I will not do. So you squat and pee and flush and leave and I here I come, full of coffee and eager to get the thong out of my butt crack, and in my haste I take a seat without noticing the urine that has pooled together on my throne. And there I am, my ass covered in your piss.

Oh yes, there are times when I squat, too, but only after your exuberant peeing has ruined it for me. Miami International Airport is a wonderful example of a place where I assume I have to squat. Those toilets look like you didn't just pee, you exploded.

Nobody abroad seems to have this problem. My ass has comfortably fell into the open arms of the toilet in Europe and in Africa. Yes, in Africa, where I am sure they have many more communicable toilet diseases than here, people sat their asses down and did their thing without a second thought. It was awesome.

You will notice that in many places The Management (or so it says on the dispensers) now provides you with some sani-ass covers. These were specially crafted for paranoid butts like yours, so that you too can sit on the seat and have a potty experience just like you could in the comfort of your own, disinfected home. There is no need for my butt to be wet with your pee drops anymore.

Alternatively, if you are still fearful of the germs that could climb over your sani-butt paper and fly into your anus and wreak havoc, perhaps you are like the woman who missed the toilet entirely in my office bathroom a few weeks back. As I stood up and buttoned my pants, there was her urine, pooled right next to my foot.