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Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Crickets

I've been quiet over here for the last six weeks. April was a very hard month for me. I foolishly thought I would just bounce back from the miscarriage and feel like myself again right away, which proved to be the exact opposite of what happened. Despite doing everything I could think of for self care (running, pilates, sleep, acupuncture, a weekend away), for the first time I felt like I was truly depressed. After we lost Q, I wasn't depressed - I was devastated and grieving and angry. I'm sure under all of those emotions, I was depressed, but this felt different. It was just like there was a dark cloud hanging over my head that I couldn't push away no matter what.

To make matters worse, I've been having hot flashes.

A likely outcome of having premature ovarian failure and diminished ovarian reserve is that I will go through menopause much earlier than most women. Thus, the hot flashes have been absolutely freaking me out. I have been scared to tell anyone because I sometimes feel (even though it is nonsensical and absurd) that if I say out loud "I am having hot flashes" it somehow will make it more true than the physical discomfort of heat creeping up my body. Ha.

I finally went to my OB last week. I told her about the hot flashes and about how I've been feeling. She prescribed Zoloft (more on that later) and we discussed the hot flashes. They could mean I am in perimenopause or they could be related to my hormones being out of whack post-miscarriage. I still haven't had a period following the miscarriage (8 weeks), so I'm taking Provera to force my body to have one.

Needless to say, I'm feeling totally unlike myself and like things are totally out of control as it relates to my body and fertility. That said, just having the Zoloft at home has made me feel better - like knowing I could take it has made me feel better. I've felt more like myself this week than I have in ages.

As part of trying to feel better, I dialed it back on blogging and reading blogs. I have relied on this community so much in the past few years, but sometimes I go down the rabbit hole of re-reading people's stories of loss and infertility and it just sucks me in. And when I'm already feeling so overwhelmingly sad and gloomy, I've been trying to avoid making it worse.

Thanks to those of you who are still reading and many of you who I know understand.

As if having a miscarriage isn't hard enough, your body has to trigger hot flashes to make you even more aware of the difficulties in pregnancy? Ugh. What a frustrating time. And also depressing. You can say that. I have those same thoughts about saying something out loud and making it true. I don't know what it is, but I know that I want to avoid (done unsuccessfully, of course) anything negative because it scares me. More than ever. Sending all the hugs.

Right? It felt like adding insult to injury to me. Oh, well. Thanks re: saying depressing. There is something about saying it that makes me feel like I am admitting defeat, even though I know that is ridiculous. Thanks for the virtual hugs.

I have been checking in here regularly to look for an update from you, so I am glad go see this even if it's not an especially happy post. Still thinking about you. It's okay if you step away for a while, this community is here for you if and when you come back.

Thanks for checking in, Heather, and for understanding. It does seem that I'm having enough trouble just processing what may or may not be going on with my body and I have enjoyed feeling more like myself this past week than I have in ages.