JEFF EDELSTEIN: This Valentine's Day, I give you gas

I put everything on my credit card in order to track my spending. As a result, I know I spent exactly $4,347.75 on gasoline last year. Iíve got two soon-to-be-ancient cars, one of which is a big olí SUV, and so, thatís that. On a per day basis, Iím spending almost $12 on gas. Some people spend more, some people spend less, but one thing is clear: Iím not allowed to buy my wife a gas gift card for Valentineís Day.

Now donít get me wrong: I love my wife, and Iíd gladly do anything in the world for her. I just donít want to blow $50 on roses. You cannot run a 2002 Ford Explorer on roses.

But wouldnít that be great, fellas, if we could demonstrate how much we love our wives and girlfriends by presenting them with useful gifts instead of flowers and chocolates and $4.99 Hallmark cards? And while this may seem unromantic - especially to you ladies - it doesnít have to be. For instance, Iíd buy my wife a $500 gasoline gift card, and all her friends will be all jealous when they see her at the local Gas ní Sip, filling up her 11-year-old car to the tippy top AND having enough left over for a Slim Jim. The big Slim Jim, at that.

Now thatís sexy and romantic, you ask me.

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OK fine, the above might be a little much, but let me be clear: I loathe Valentineís Day. I loathe the fakeness of it all. I loathe how it forces non-partnered up people to feel like crud. I loathe the fact the calendar is telling us when we have to tell our wives and girlfriends we love them. I loathe the fact that marketing departments tell us what we need to buy them.

I think itís time for a Valentineís Day poem, donít you?

Oh Valentineís Day, I used to loathe you when I was single

as I had no lovely lass with whom to commingle.

But then one day,

I believe it was May,

I met a gal who held me under her sway.

We met, we laughed, we gave each other a high-fiver.

And still, all these years later,

I still have to buy her two pounds of Godiva.

Thatís right. I just rhymed ďhigh-fiverĒ with ďGodiva.Ē All hail.

But itís true. My wife knows how much I hate this made-up excuse for Americans to spend $17.6 billion (according to the National Retail Federation), and sheís not a diamonds and caviar kind of gal to begin with, but still Ö if I donít do *something* for Valentineís Day, Iím getting the stink eye.

So I do a little something. I play the game.

But isnít it about 100 times more romantic to get a gift of love when youíre not expecting it? Can I get a high-fiver on that? Canít we just strike Valentineís Day from the calendar?