Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The bitter truth about Karwa Chauth...

This appeared in Mumbai Mirror....

The bitter truth about Karwa Chauth….

Today is Karwa Chauth. Ahem. I am not fasting in honour of my husband. And my hands are devoid of
mehendi. I didn’t participate in Sindhoor Khela either. Does that make me a
terrible wife? Should I be feeling guilty? I have never observed Karwa Chauth.
And my husband is still talking to me. Then again, he has never kept a fast for
me. Does that make him a bad husband? Should he feel guilty? It doesn’t work
like that, my women friends who are fasting today, say staunchly. Fasts and prayers are traditionally
dedicated to the men in the family. I am told by fasting during Karwa Chauth, a wife believes she is extending
her husband’s life. Which is all
very well. But what about the wife’s life? No extension for the poor lady?
Errrr… I am walking straight into a land mine here. I am about to blow myself
up. And this is the right moment to exit the debate. Stop me, someone!

The
first and only time I was invited to a Karwa Chauth lunch was by a well
meaning, unsuspecting neighbor. That was years ago. Not knowing what to expect,
I strolled in casually dressed. There were over thirty ladies present in the
large living room. All of them were clad in bridal finery and feeling awfully
virtuous. One of them was a freshly minted wife – a simpering dulhan. This was
her first Karwa Chauth and all the other mother hens were cluck-clucking around
her. I felt like an intruder who
had crashed a bizarre initiation
ceremony. I was asked - loudly and aggressively - “ So… you don’t fast for your husband?” I
cheerfully shook my head and replied, “ Nope!”
There was a quick exchange of meaningful, knowing looks (“ She is not
like us!”). Seeing their disapproving expressions, I made it worse by adding, “
My husband doesn’t fast for me , either.” The women guffawed – “ As if men will
ever give up food for their wives.” But
why were these ladies dressed like they were
inside a shaadi ka mandap? There was music and dance, bangles, bindis,
dupattas in vivid colours. And they were obviously waiting for something and
someone. Aaah – the moon and the men. At
some point, both appeared and it was all over. The husbands looked mighty
pleased as their wives gazed at them through a large strainer. The wives looked
even more pleased when their mates fed them icky, sticky, evil-looking mithai. Next,
the hungry wives pounced on platters of
rich food, but not before pouncing on the lavish gifts given by their
grateful husbands. All this drama for giving up khaana-peena for a few hours!

I guess this ritual made sense in ye olde
days when men went to war and engaged in other foolish activities ( hunting!).
Men still go to war. They still hunt. But in a different context. Corporate
wars can leave a chap pretty bloodied. Agreed. But that’s not war-war. All this
was going on inside my wicked head when I received a call yesterday reminding
me about a very high profile Karwa Chauth lunch in the city . Damn ! I didn’t
want to subject myself to another round of accusations. And I certainly didn’t
want to climb into my nauwaari saree and make pretend that I was a love-lorn
bride praying for my hubby’s long life. Besides, the weather has been playing
cruel tricks on us. What if the moon did a no-show? Would I have to starve an
extra hour or two till our lunar friend was spotted? I asked my husband whether
he minded my not fasting for him on Karwa Chauth. I urged him to be perfectly
honest and swear he wouldn’t hold it against me if I nibbled on a macaroon or
two. He said it was fine. That made me feel worse. I even suggested we starve
together. For each other. He said he wasn’t SRK in DDLJ.I said that was okay.
Did I look like Kaajol ? This was getting complicated. So, I rashly promised to
make it up to him in some other form. He jumped at the offer!

73 comments:

Well fasting is voluntary. It is a matter of dedication,determination to do something for a person you love and keep away from food for almost the entire day. When the Muslims or Jains do fasting during their holy months, they do it for their religion or God who is not visible but felt. Here you are doing something for someone you love or respect. There are certain things which are made for women like sacrifice etc and which women happily do. Don't you do something great for your male child. You do but do not question the rituals or religion.Men also go on fast even today though involuntary when they work on a target without caring for food or water for hours together.They are doing all this for their wife or children.There is always some science behind fasting?But secular indian have a habit of questioning everything which has links with Hindu culture.

I hate people who turn this whole day into a #holierthanthou fest. My love for my husband would be equal to his love for me. If he isn't socially obligated to keep a fast for me, I won't either. The love can find other ways of expression ;-)

The festivals rituals are voluntary if you feel good do it if you don't then don't. I am proud to say as a woman I don't want to be same as man. I know I can do these things better, I have better will power, sensibility and care in my heart. If a man wants to be equal to me its again their choice I am not changing myself to be a man.

I completely agree to the thought of not fasting. not because men dont but because it is not necessary to remain hungry and thirsty! even our prayers can do d the same if it has that much power and sacredness!

Well, I am okay with either. Just spare the drama and histrionics. I must thank my MIL for letting me choose for myself if I wanted to fast for my husband on vatapournima (Maharashtrian equivalent of Karva Chauth). She doesn't fast, but if I wanted to, she would explain the rituals. I chose not to, simply because I have an acidity problem and if I go without food for several hours, I would feel sick.

According to me fasting has various facets. It shows devotion,love,determination. Scientifically too fasting is good for health. Human society has designed roles for men and women.In an ideal situation men are responsible for finance and protecting the family and women are for nurturing the family. Fasting done by women for her husband or kids is a type of love, determination towards family nurturing.Regarding dress up... well everyone likes to dress on special occasions. People dress in marriages, birthday parties, disco parties. Fasting still is considered cultural hence people dress in their finest traditional dress. Every working women dresses and does make up as per the requirement of the job. So why not housewives??? such events are also source of get together and human interaction,being human everyone likes to be presentable in the finest way as per the occasion. And again it depends,not all are in their marriage attires it's just a part rest do it as they are comfortable with. It's only the finest dressed one are conspicuous and talked about.

We south Indians have an equivalent function called "kaaradai nonbu". We prepare a sweet & a savoury specially meant for the event, tie the mangal sutra (a yellow thread) once again with the husband's hand & pray for his long life. But no, we don't fast. That is for somavaara vrata where women fast only on Mondays praying for the long life of their husbands. But that is optional. No compulsion. That is done in the privacy of their homes. It is done on particular months. Total no of Mondays = 16. They can eat fruits, drink coffee & milk. No salt, oil chillies & other masalas. The interesting part is, on the last day of the vrath, they've to prepare wheat laddu & offer everybody, should never be angry. (laddu recipe: Ghee 1/4 kilo, aatta 1/2 kilo, jaggery (Gud) 400 gms. Strain the aatta in a strainer, add melted ghee & gud, mix well & make small laddus) In Punjab women eat pre-dawn of Karwa chaudh and it's called Sargi normally prepared by mother-in-law and in Uttar Pradesh women eat on the eve of festival And hats off to the women who really fast. If they have no acidity problem, why not ? Though we south Indians don't fast, we have great admiration for the north Indian wives who do. And they also have fun, dressing up for the occasion, wearing bangles, bindis... & get gifts from their hubbies. That is the day off from any housework. Just get together & have fun. In the olden days of hard work, what relief that would've meant ! And an opportunity to wear the wedding dress which is never worn otherwise ! After all they are not harming anybody. If husbands don't keep a fast, so be it. Those of you who don't want to keep a fast, so be it. But we can't trash some people's belief in good faith. Let there be some well meaning women who fast for their husband's longevity. Amen.

The typical woman in the kitchen would fear for her husband's life and so will do it with deadly devotion. But the situation is changing, with education and infliction of new thoughts and people like you and me.

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YES! I'm totally pro-fasting for health purposes, even do it myself once a week. So in principle... fasts are great! Wives fasting for husbands? Great! But only if it's reciprocated equally. It shouldn't be a gender-specific rule.

Shobha - first of all a great fan of your writing. About this particular ritual. I believe that religion is too personal. everyone its own. If a woman is doing this out of her own personal choice than we should let them be. I personally wouldnt do it but have nothing against woman who do it out of choice. I will not judge them.

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Well If you keep all the ho ha aside...I love the fact that you get to make someone feel special. I am no typical Indian girl with a closed mindset but after a few boring days i love the way festivals like these make any usual day into a day of drama!!! Oh and who does not love drama :) Its Indian valentines day for me :P

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I don't know about about bitter truth of karwa chauth but i know the sweet truth of Karwa chauth is it's lovely festival and women got chance to wear stylish suit, braidal saree, latest designer lehenga on this auspecious day.

Lol. Its not about being a secular Indian. Its about also being an individual who deserves just as much dedication to be protected. However, impracticality aside, if a person is not religious, he chooses not to fast. The end. Why are you introducing secularism in the debate?!

Lol. Its not about being a secular Indian. Its about also being an individual who deserves just as much dedication to be protected. However, impracticality aside, if a person is not religious, he chooses not to fast. The end. Why are you introducing secularism in the debate?!

Dear shobha ji nobody compelled you to get married but marry with your husband. Why its bitter truth and how? there are so many festivals which can be challenged like marriage, vivah,nikah.but we all do follow all these traditions.so don't spread negativity about our culture. In India its easy to debate about hindusm only coz its soft target otherwise write something about other religions nd see what are the reactions,please write same about Roja nd kurbani

Dear shobha ji nobody compelled you to get married but marry with your husband. Why its bitter truth and how? there are so many festivals which can be challenged like marriage, vivah,nikah.but we all do follow all these traditions.so don't spread negativity about our culture. In India its easy to debate about hindusm only coz its soft target otherwise write something about other religions nd see what are the reactions,please write same about Roja nd kurbani

Its literally like you read my mind, and transcribed my feelings word for word.. I am married to my best friend, he is punjabi and family is semi religious whereas I am a first generation American born "Rajasthani/Madhya Pradeshi" girl whose mom never fasted and I feel with each passing year, the warm fuzzy feelings that I used to have with Karva Chauth are becoming a not so fond memory. My in laws are wonderful and have never forced any cultural participation from me, as they understand that I am working and going to school and each year I end up working on Karva Chauth, but KC is important to my husband, and that's why I do it, even though I end up severely irritable and angry by 4pm which is compounded by the fact that typically I've been working and see patients all day long while the other women who the festival is spent with, are housewives who actually get to enjoy the day, point being, that sacrifice shouldn't be one sided... and quite honestly I feel like Karva Chauth is the Indian equivalent of Valentine's Day, just a man made reason to spend money, be nostalgic and try to maintain some sense of patriarchy/"old fashion-ness" in our evolving society. I always want to ask my husband: we don't make a big deal out of Valentine's, then why such a big deal about Karva Chauth?