Sunday, April 10, 2011

You've got to know when to fold 'em.

Yes, folks. I just quoted a Kenny Rogers song. I woke up this morning lamenting life. There was no cream for my delicious coffee, my pretty shoe broke when I put it on and the bags under my eyes have their own small bags after a night of restlessness and alternating bouts of weeping and being mad as fucking all hell. Days like this call for good ole' country songs. (Notice I didn't say new, because new country is shit no matter what mood you are in.)

See, I'm not in the habit of trying to save people from themselves. But truth be told, I'm a helper by nature, especially if I can help someone that I love fiercely. Unfortunately, I can't help those that don't think they need fixing, even when they are on a fast derailing train to Shitsville. It drives me absolutely insane to watch someone I love self destruct before my eyes and know that I am completely powerless to do anything to stop it. Some call it stratification, and I suppose it is. It's not an easy pill to swallow, though, when that person is everything to you. It's heartbreaking and infuriating.

When bonds that tie two people together are strong, you become an unwilling passenger on that gut wrenching train ride. Sometimes you secretly even hope it wrecks so that you can relax your white knuckled grip on anything you can hold on to. Anything to give you some peace and just make it stop.

I'm a fighter, I don't like to throw my hands in the air and quit on things (or people, as this case may be). But surrendering to obvious defeat is something else altogether. In some cases, it's not the coward's way out, it's the rational way to analyze a situation. There comes a time in life when the smartest thing to do is realize that you are powerless to stop people from fucking up, no matter how much you want to save them. Sitting back and doing nothing is not easy for a woman like me, but I'm beginning to think that not only do I not have a choice, but it's in the best interest of my sanity and self preservation to do just that.

Is it possible to find some semblance of peace in knowing you've done all you could for someone to no avail? I'm not sure. It still sounds miserable to me. I keep repeating the mantra 'you can still be there, but you don't have to enable…. there is nothing you can do'. It's not helping much. That's the thing about loving people with every fiber of your being, they are the only ones with the capacity to rip your heart out mercilessly. Still, I'll never stop loving those few people in this world, despite the risks. What good is life without taking that gamble? (Heehee, get it? That's my sleep deprived attempt at a pun referencing the song. I know, it's not really funny, but it's true.)

I'm trying desperately to cheer myself up, Muppets doling out life wisdom right before death while swigging whiskey and smoking a cigarette may help, though it's not the cheeriest skit I've seen, that's for sure. Anyway, great song. Fitting. Listen to it. Besides, it's nice remembering what Kenny Rogers looked like before he fucked his face up with all that plastic surgery.