Monday, February 19, 2007

A large segment of a Minneapolis light rail line has been obliterated under mysterious circumstances.

Ben Labridor, transportation editor of the Twin Cities Daily Planet, alerted authorities on Monday after discovering that a block-long section of the Hiawatha light rail line was missing from the vicinity of Hiawatha Avenue and E. 29th Street. Metro Transit officials have yet to comment, and Minneapolis police and fire departments report no explosions or other demolition activities.

"This tragedy goes far beyond mere vandalism or even terrorism," said an anxious Labridor by phone from his Minneapolis home. "This is transit bashing at its worst."

Labridor said that he had been at home performing internet research about transit systems, when he happened to chance upon an aerial photo of Minneapolis that shocked him.

"I had just seen the light rail earlier today," said Labridor, "When I'm in the area I always make sure to look at the train," he said, "its long, hard, ramrod-like form going back and forth through the neighborhood, back and forth, back and forth. In and out of Bloomington, in and out."

"Just imagine my surprise, then, when I saw on my computer that according to Google Maps a huge section of our beautiful Hiawatha light rail is gone. Around 29th Street on the west side of Hiawatha Avenue--nothing but scarred earth," said a shaken Labridor.

Labridor vowed he won't rest until he finds who is responsible. He said he believed the culprits have something to do with Personal Rapid Transit (PRT), which he said is a nonexistent transit technology that can't work and is being built at London's Heathrow Airport, as well as a site in Sweden. An early version of the nonexistent technology has been running in West Virginia for over 30 years.

Labridor said he had just found evidence on Google Maps that a PRT test facility in Wales may have been demolished, and discovered the damage to the Hiawatha Line shortly after. "It's too much of a coincidence, it's obviously payback by the PRT cabal," said Labridor. He would not elaborate on the PRT cabal without reporters first signing oaths in blood.

(IT ANNOYS THE MINNESOTA ANTI-PRT PROPAGANDIST WHEN HIS NAME ISN'T MENTIONED. So we don't. Exactly.)

"One of the best ways to address it, honestly, in all seriousness, is to mock the people who are making these allegations." -Rachel Maddow

"There's no way to debate liars." -Randi Rhodes

"What I do isn't propaganda. What I do is taking what they say and using it against them. What I do is jujitsu. They say something ridiculous and then I subject them to scorn and ridicule. That's my job." -Al Franken