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Friday, May 9, 2014

Duuduu that vuuduu that yuu duu so well

Happy Birthday to Billy, who turns twenty-four
today in New York. New York, New York…The
City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us). Also,
Happy Birthday to Chad, who also turns twenty-four today. In Utah.
With the Mormons.

To digress for just a muumuu (which, of
course, We so rarely duuduu (heh…She said “duuduu”)), We have noticed, of late,
a rogue pair of Mormon elders (parenthetically (hence the parentheses), why do
they call them “elders” when they’re twelve years old?) repeatedly roaming Our
neighborhood, which causes Us to ponder two things:

Who exactly are they proselytizing in this
stalwart bastion of Catholicism?

AND

Is it possible to see two hottie Mormon
elders roaming the streets in their dress shirts and ties and NOT think “gay
porno movie”?

Equally randomly, is it just Us, or should “Stalwart
Bastion” be the name of some superhero’s alter ego? “Meanwhile, in a cleverly concealed cavern
miles beneath Stately Bastion Manor, kabillionaire Stalwart Bastion dons the
cape and cowl of his crime-fighting alter-ego, LemurMan…”

In other news, We are awaiting with bated
breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our
birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring
Neil Patrick Harris and Leontyne Price…

(We are just going to keep right on saying
that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of
Creative ViZZZualization. (Although
apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader
actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Leontyne Price as Yitzhak? (We’ll wait.)
And how many of you knew that Leontyne Price had a brother named
Dentyne?)

Speaking of black women, We had a dream last
night about Christmas, which involved a great deal of confusion concerning a
bunch of gifts that had been wrapped with no identifying tags. We have no idea what the whole thing was
about, but Santa Claus was a black woman.

In other news, tomorrow (Saturday, May 10th),
the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at
L’Etage at 7:30. In keeping with the Mothers
Day theme, We will be leaving Jesus H. Christ’s hippie wig at home, and
performing for the first time as Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod. You
won’t want to miss THAT! (In order not to miss it, please get your tickets
here:

In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves
(not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus,
Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it
with your friends:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum
noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Pierre Bouvier’s birthday. While not as much fun to say as “Enrique
Iglesias”, Pierre Bouvier is still plenty fun to say. Especially if you intersperse “Leontyne and
Dentyne Price” (didja know they had a half-sister named “Aubergine”?).

Slow down and get everything right today — or
at least as much as you can. (Thar’s a paradox in that thar conundrum…)

(That was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow
at the Junction…)

(Hard to believe there was actually a 60s TV
show named after women’s underwear…)

Speeding up is almost guaranteed to backfire,
so don’t move any more quickly than you absolutely must. (Alright,
already. Jeebus.)

This phase is almost complete. (Wait…so it really IS just a phase?!?)

You’re in the mood to work hard now — really,
really hard. (Have you met Us?)

As fiery as you are when you get an idea set
in your mind, you definitely don’t take kindly to anyone who gets between you
and your goal. (On the other hand, just you TRY to get between Us and Our
Calvins. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Brooke Shields.))

Of course, your first impulse will be to
enlist everyone who comes along. (That
sentence would be much more interesting with a different verb in place of “enlist”. (No, really…try it and see. We’ll wait.))

But if that’s not possible, then you can at
least do the kind thing: Warn them that it might be a good idea to get out of
your way. (Kindness is such a fluid concept.)

No one says you have to wait three days
before calling, but there is a strong possibility that you’re not in too big a
hurry when it comes to love right now. (Because you already spent sixteen sentences
telling Us to slow down. Jeebus. Does no one proofread this tripe?)

Think over what you want to say and take your
own sweet time. (Shut. Up. Kelli.)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.