‘I’ve found that sex is deemed to be over once the man has come, even if I haven’t.’
Illustration: Lo Cole for the Guardian

The best sex of my life was in my 20s with a karate champion who had complete control over his body and everything he did with it; it was amazing. You could say things have gone downhill since.

From one-night stands to long-term relationships, I’ve had about 50 sexual partners: some good, some indifferent, some loving and intimate, some just silent fumbling. But I’ve found that sex is deemed to be over once the man has come, even if I haven’t. I’ve only come about half the time, or felt obliged to fake it.

It’s now a decade since I had a sexual partner. I have ME and arthritis, which means my days of falling into bed with a stranger are over. Any potential partner would first have to be instructed into my peculiarities: which limbs don’t move where, how to avoid my hiatus hernia, breathlessness, etc. Not to mention my need of sleeping pills, earplugs and an eye mask, which are not sexy, nor conducive to intimacy.

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Fortunately, I’ve never agreed with the common tendency to define “having sex” as “having sex with one or more partners”. From adolescent self-exploration onwards, I’ve always (even when in a relationship) had sex by myself. It’s reliable and satisfying. It happens when and where I want it, and is as inventive or as brief as I want it to be. I’m never hesitant or embarrassed, because there’s no one else to have a view on my preferences and fantasies. It never hurts, unless I choose it to.

There’s a lot to be said for being in total control. Despite all the above, I think my sex life is quite good, really.

•Each week, a reader tells us about their sex life. Want to share yours? Email sex@theguardian.com