Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Last time I came to a comedy night at The Claremont, Colin Bell was King of The Kippax and the revolving doors were still here.
The bouncer outside handed me a leaflet that said: COMEDY NIGHT and Magician! In big letters.
And underneath that it read: Tuesday – Liverpool Empire, Wednesday – Manchester Apollo, Thursday – The Claremont!…
I said, “There’s got to be something wrong with that?… How much does it cost?”
The bouncer said, “It’s free to get in… but you might want to pay to get out!”
I gave him the leaflet back, and started to push the revolving doors open, I was half way round when I heard him shout “And, take your bike clips off!”
I had visions of Strangeways and me dropping my soap in the shower, so I carried on walking all the way round, and back out into the street again. I was half way to the Bee Hive when I remembered that I’d chained my bike to the pipe outside, so I came back.
“That’s funny,” I said to the bouncer, (Scratching my head) “I’m sure I had two wheels when I parked my bike here before!”
“That’s not funny!” said the bouncer… “What’s funny is that bloke from the Magic show! He came on a pogo-stick…(Bong, bong, bong!) …and he just left on a Unicycle!" (Doing the cycle impression and whistling, Raindrops keep falling on my head!)Anyway, just to confuse you… I’m Anagram Andy, Ian Biro’s my pen name… my real name is Parker… The magic marker!
Only joking, (Slobberchops impression) They call me Slobberchops… when I go like that! (Slobberchops impression again)
I used to write with a magic marker, but like the jokes, the ink dried up!
So, I went to the doctors the other day, to find out what was wrong with me.
I said, “Doctor, I think I’ve got a drink problem!”
He said, “Why, how much do you drink?”
I said, “About ten pints of bitter!”
He said “Don’t worry about it, ten pints a week is about average!”
I said, “But, Doctor I drink ten pints a session!”
He said, “Yeah, but how many times a week do you go out?”
I said “ About three times a day! …. Can you help me Doctor?”
“Okay,” said the Doctor, “What you need is a holiday, just lay off the beer for a bit, and drink the odd red wine!”I was talking to that geezer at the bar before, did you see him?… with the ski mask on?… I thought I know him!… I’ve seen him on the telly!… I’m sure they said he was a Swiss banker… on Crimewatch!
So I Said to him, “What’s it like in Switzerland these days, mate?”
And he said, “It’s all down hill, mate… (doing the slalom impression with his hand!)”
So I asked him (raising my right hand up slowly) if he knew what those…
He said “If you do that in Berlin, you’ll get arrested!”
So I asked him again, I said “Do you know what those trains are called that go up mountains?” (Raising my right hand up slowly)
“No,” he said. “I don’t know what they’re called, but they are a funny colour!”
“Funicular?” I said, “Where are you living these days, mate?”
He said, (Raising his right hand up slowly) “Up Bury New Road!”
I thought, He’s goin’ back down! (doing the slalom impression)…. Some people do have, Strangeways!Anyway, we go everywhere all the time, and we were in Switzerland ourselves a few weeks ago, and when we got to the campsite… there was a big notice, it read: (In an exaggerated German accent) ‘Welcome to the Jung Frau Campsite. You WILL enjoy yourself!’
And some bright spark had scribbled underneath with a magic marker: “But not here!”
It’s a funny place Switzerland, they speak three or four languages, it’s the same wherever you go in Europe, whatever language you speak to them in, they always answer you back in perfect English.Like I said, we go everywhere all the time, and we were in Paris the other night, and we did the sights, up the Eiffel tower, (raising my hand up slowly) and down The Champs Elysees, (Doing the slalom impression) up the little funicular to SacreCoer, (raising my right hand up slowly) and all the way back down to Notre Dame, (Doing the slalom impression). I said to this French bloke, I knew he was French because he was wearing a beret and a string of onions round his neck. I said “Where’s the dead centre of Paris mate?”
And he said “Pere La Chaise!, follow me…” ( Impression - do him pushing his push-bike, exaggerated, and whistling Raindrops keep falling on my head!).
“Bloody ‘ell,” I said, “if I’ve got to walk like that… I’ll need a drink!”
“He was doing the Bistrot!” ... … and I thought I’d give my French a try, So I went in this Bistrot… and I said to the girl behind the bar “Bon Soir, Mademoiselle, Un Vin rouge sil vous plait?”
And the Turkish barmaid… answered me in perfect English, She said “Chicago, hey Mac?”
I said “No, Manchester!”
And she smiled and said “Bobby Charlton!” (Do the comb-over impression).
And I couldn’t tell if she was taking the piss out of my haircut… or what?I got one of those Internet deals, the other day, five quid to Italy!… And the car hire thrown in for free!… I said, “Five quid!… that’s cheaper than staying at home! I’ll take two!”
When the tickets arrived they were for Venice… I said the only thing we’ll be driving there is a gondola!
But we went, because we’re daft like that, we’re wet behind the ears… but we like canals!… we go everywhere all the time, if we’re not here, we’re there, and if we’re not there, we’re somewhere else!
So there we were in Venice, taking in the sights, up the Rialto bridge, (Raising my right hand up slowly). And back down all those steps…(Do the Slalom impression) We went up The grand Canal, (Raising my right hand up slowly). And down all those little side canals… (Do the Slalom impression).
Eventually, I thought we better go for a drink, so I parked the gondola up… …and we went into this bar in San Zechariah. The barman was pouring Galliano into a row of glasses on the counter.
He said to me “Pronto! Senora, Harvey Wallbanger! Capisce!”
I said “No gracie, Una vino rosso, par favore?”
And he replied, in an American accent… “Sorry, sir, we donna sella de red vine! … Try the Holts’s pub next door!… ”
I said, ”Bloody hell, I’ve come all the way from flamin’ Manchester… (Raising my hand up slowly) ‘cos they don’t sell it in The friggin’ Claremont, either!” (Doing the Slalom impression).“Only joking! Mine’s a pint of bitter mate!… with two straws, and a cherry on top!… hold the Sambuca!”Talking about Yorkshire…It’s not funny,,, but there’s a joke in there somewhere!
I went into that flag shop in Leeds last week, and I said to the fellow behind the bar, “Do you sell, red wine?”
And he said, in a perfect German accent, “No, ve’re a flag shop, ve sell flags!”
I said, “What about Union Jacks?”
He said, “Vwhat about ‘zem?”
I said, “What colour are they?”
He said, “Zey are red, Vite and blue!… You daft get!”
I said, “Give us a blue one!… and a glass of red wine… and a bottle of white to go!”Anyway, I better go… ‘cos I’ve got a taxi waiting to take me to the airport… and if that bloke that chained his bike up outside still wants a lift, he better come with me… ‘cos he won’t be riding it home tonight.I was going up that travelator at Asda the other day, (Raising my right hand up slowly). and this fellow in front of me said that he needed to buy some slip on shoes… because he couldn’t reach to tie his laces anymore!
I said, (Doing the slalom impression)‘Bloody ‘ell that’s nothing! I need slip on socks!’ He said to me “do you know what day Christmas is on?”
I said, “I think it’s a Friday!”
He said “That’s okay, as long as it’s not the thirteenth!”We were in Ireland in September, and I broke my reading glasses in County Wicklow, and I couldn’t see to read a bloody thing, I sat there in the car, looking at the map, trying to find the cottage we had booked for the week… When a farmer pulled up in his tractor. I asked him if he knew the way to Hollywood?
He said, “You’re going the wrong way, mate! You’ll have to turn round in that field, but watch out for the Leprechaun!”
“Leprechaun? I said, “what does he look like?”
The farmer said, “You’ll recognise him… he’s got a rabbit tattooed on his forehead!”
I said “A rabbit?… Is that so he can see in the dark?”
“No!” said the farmer, “The Leprechaun’s going bald, and a rabbit looks like a hare from a distance!”
I thought, That’s a good idea! … (Scratching my head!)Talking about tattoo’s, an anagram is a sort of word tattoo…
And two of the biggest brands of the last century were Levi’s jeans and Elvis Presley… Elvis and Levi’s are of course anagrams of each other, and if you think Elvis is dead… You should know that an anagram of, Elvis Aaron Presley is: Seen alive, sorry pal!
And that an anagram of, William Shakespeare is: I am a weakish speller!
And here’s a fishy one for you, Pere La Chaise, is Hearse Plaice.
And my pen name, Ian Biro is an anagram of Nairobi!

But the best anagram of a persons name belongs to John Marshall who used to run The Buzz Club comedy night, down the road at The Southern Hotel. He called himself Agraman the human anagram! Which of course is an anagram of anagram!!!If you like anagrams, you might like this.
I was walking past the post office one December morning, and it was the week when everybody got their double giro and the Christmas bonus, so there were two policemen keeping everyone in line, and there was a notice above them that said, Please queue here, with an arrow pointing to the post office sign.
But some bright spark had rearranged the letters, so instead of it reading: Princess Road Post Office, it now said: (and wait for it, ‘cos this is explosive!) It said: Please queue here, to crap on pissed officers!Last time I told that story, someone said: ‘You sound like, An angry Adam!’
Which of course is an anagram of Anagram Andy!Finally!!! I was talking to that robot at the bar before and do you know what he said?
He said: (In a robotic voice) If you fancy our barmaids, DON’T DRIVE HOME!
Which is a good message… but then he got really boring…He said: (In a robotic voice, again)
Did you ever see those crazy kids at night?
That cycle on the roads without a light!
The way they race along the gutter jumping grids! (Raising my right hand up slowly)
Using the double yellow peril as a track…
They’re a nightmare for a driver psycho kids…
And when they do the downhill… slalom (Do the slalom impression)
Along the broken white…
Even Moss Side drivers have a fright!
So, watch out for crazy psycho cycle kids tonight!GOOD NIGHT!08122011/1

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Written for and posted to 3WW
The words this week are:
Carnage, Puncture, and Jerk.

Here's mine:

“Benney, you bar steward, you’re meant to be picking me up
at CostaFortune, remember? It’s nine twenty now, and we said eight thirty!
Where the puke are you?” Wendy leaves the message on Benney’s cell phone, she’s
outside the coffee shop on Market Street, and she’s pacing up and down, making
ever more frantic calls to people who are just not listening. ‘We’ve got a
full day ahead of us’ she thinks, ‘and Benney’s gone AWOL!’

“Oh hi, this is Wendy Naisa from News Galactic Corporation,
I was hoping to speak to Doctor Curbishley, this is his personal number, isn’t
it?”

“DOCTOR CURBISHLEY IS NOT AVAILABLE AT THE MOMENT / HE IS IN
A MEETING / HE IS OUT OF TOWN / HE IS…”

“Blooming Nora! the silly Burke’s got a pet robot!”. She
says, thinking out loud, and shaking her mobile thing, then adds quite audibly,
“What a jerk!”

Quickly she tries Benney’s number again, this time he
answers. “Sorry Nish!” he starts, “It’s murder and mayhem on the roads this
morning. There’s been a big crash on the Parkway, it’s absolute carnage out
here!”

“How long do you think you’re gonna be, Benney?”

“I don’t really know, Nish! The trouble is I think I’ve got
a puncture, on top of everything else, I’m at the garage now, I’ll bell you
back as soon as I’m done, sorry!”

Wendy shakes her phone again, and then her head violently
from side to side. ‘What a waste of a morning’. She thinks, and heads
back inside the coffee shop. “Give me a regular black coffee”, she tells the
girl behind the counter.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Welcome to my Extra Special You post. This is the shortened version, if you would like

to read the full post, where I have posted 37 different acrostic anagrams of the revealed acrostic word 'Constantinople' then you'll need to Clink~Dis~Link!!! Pronto.

EXTRA SPECIAL YOU(PLATONIC SONNET)
Paparazzi mug-shot, genie of love
Loving me like I was your other ex
A round peg in a square hole so what's new?
Two four six eight, count to infinity...
One of you will be the one for me now
Now that we know that time is running slow
Infinitely, yes you'll be the one now
Could you be the one? pull the other one!

Slower tock than a broken clock can tick
OK Corral and all that filmic pap
New Zealand's been there quite a long time tooNow that I know that you are A okay
Extra special you, if only you could...
Tic-toc clock slow down don't mess me aroundE4-13102011/4

Extra Special You (Revealed)

Could you be the one? pull the other one!
One of you will be the one for me now
Now that we know that time is running slow
Slower tock than a broken clock can tick
Tic-toc clock slow down don't mess me around
A round peg in a square hole so what's new?
New Zealand's been there quite a long time too
Two four six eight, count to infinity...
Infinitely, yes you'll be the one now
Now that I know that you are A okay
OK Corral and all that filmic pap
Paparazzi mug-shot, genie of love
Loving me like I was your other ex
Extra special you, if only you could...E1-13102011

HELL IN GOTHAM CITY
Dawn and her pet robot said, they would follow, Dave in the Batmobile.
It was a piece of cake till they reached Gotham, and then the fun began.
Catwoman pretended to admire the cult car, and all hell broke loose.12102011/1

FlameThrowerPoetry..ABRAHAM HEIGHTS
They're walking in the double decker air
Hair down by their sides, blowing in the wind
Winding to the top of the narrow stairs
Stares from the crowd below who were amazed

Amazing but much too hard to follow
Follow them to the sky if you can fly
Fly me to the moon, pieces of eight tunes
Tuned into the radio, on and on...

And on they go, up and down the stairwell
Stairway to the skies above, walk on love
Love to admire the view from up on high
Higher than all the heights of Abraham

Abraham Lincoln and all Istanbul
Islington, London town all Abraham12102011/2

ABRAHAM HEIGHTS (REVEALED)
Hair down by their sides blowing in the wind
And on they go, up and down the stairwell
Tuned into the radio, on and on...

Winding to the top of the narrow stairs
Abraham Lincoln and all Istanbul
Stares from the crowd below who were amazed

Higher than all the heights of Abraham
Amazing but much too hard to follow
Love to admire the view from up on high
Follow them to the sky if you can fly

Fly me to the moon, pieces of eight tunes
Islington, London town all Abraham
Stairway to the skies above, walk on love
They're walking in the double decker air12102011/3

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Letting Dawn's pet robot drive the Batmobile had been a bad idea.
Dave had repainted the cement render in order to sell the house.
Pressing the eject button was not the impact they wanted to make.05102011

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Dave told Dawn that there was no guarantee that she wouldn't get sea sick. Although the 'trip to cherish' was up the canal, it was on a ship. Leaving at ten, Dawn's nausea had gone by the time they reached the 'pool.

QUESTIONS UNANSWERED
She waits she wants I want I wait - no date
I'm still waiting waiting for her to come
When will she come back to me when will she?
Why can't we act like other lovers do?
Questions unanswered but you know guess who?
She waits she wants I want I wait - no date
I'm still waiting waiting for her to come
When will she come back to me when will she?
Why can't we act like other lovers do?
Unanswered questions but guess you know who! 31082011/1

Friday, August 12, 2011

BEGINS TO SING
I'm up up up up
on top of the world
hoping that I don't fall
thinking about you
waiting for you to call
then I get a message
on my old trombone
you tell me you love me
you're thinking about me
I wanna be back home

It's a wonderful thing
such a wonderful thing
when love begins to sing
a pauper can think he's a king
It's a wonderful thing
such a wonderful thing
when love begins to sing

I can walk on stormy
water with you
with you I can fly
high up in the sky
with you by my side
and my old trombone
there's not much I can't do
you tell me you love me
you're thinking about me
I wanna be back homeRepeat 12082011

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Who's manipulating who
I told you they were coming
Didn't you hear the drumming

But they were only pissing on my gate
You said they were just kids that congregate
that there was nothing you could do right now
So I splash round my goldfish bowl somehow
while their in-car speakers shake my floorboards
It's like living on a fairground with hoards
of punters looking for a good-time girl
sitting on my wall in Ermin's and pearl
Yes it's okay for them to drink all day
there's not much work for their sort anyway

Who's manipulating who
I told you they were coming
Didn't you hear the drumming

Like our great-great and our great-grandfathers
in the Great War cannon fodder what for
giving some to Shiser Bill on the Somme
fifty-odd-thousand they didn't last long
Pointless as all those slaves that you once shipped
across the seas the families you ripped
apart and buried in a foriegn field
what for greed no need all that extra yeild
and this generation discarded too
the underclass we don't know what to do

Who's manipulating who
I told you they were coming
Didn't you hear the drumming

Ten-year-old thugs with hoods re-claiming goods
Criminality the buzz-word they should
lock them all up and throw away the key
rioter's looter's undesireably
incompetent non-tax-paying people
let's make an example of these sheeple
Smash and grab now they're breaking down your door
pissing on your floor burning down your store
they want what you got and not some old-hat
piddle on pome copycat tit-for-tat

Who's manipulating who
I told you they were coming
Didn't you hear the drumming10082011

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

THE LOONYVERSE
Wings, flying things
made from bits of five-pointed stars
They're everywhere in the universe,
the multi-verse and beyond
You only have to look upwards
and check out the night sky
Pentagonals, pyramidicals,
triangulation gone sideways
Seven seems to be the numeric
out there with spacey stuff
We can't get enough
we're as mad as the loonyverse.26072011

Friday, April 01, 2011

NAPOWRIMO 2011
Sitting here waiting for midnight in Manchester, April fool? perhaps!
Are they sleepless in Seattle, restless in Rio de Janeiro?
It's exciting and it's fun, it's NaPoWriMo and it's just begun.