Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse - An Overview

What is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse or domestic violence is the term used to describe
any abusive behaviour within an intimate relationship between two
people. Generally, people will first think of physical violence, such
as hitting, beating and slapping, but domestic abuse also covers emotional,
mental, verbal, sexual, spiritual and financial behaviours perpetrated
by one person on another within an intimate relationship. Abusive
behaviour is used to exert control within a relationship.

Very rarely is one form of domestic abuse found by itself. Generally
where one form of abuse exists, it is within the context of other
forms of abuse. Hence a perpetrator of physical violence will also
subject his victim to emotional and verbal abuse. Abuse rarely stays
the same, but usually increases both in severity and frequency over
a period of time.

In severe cases, domestic violence can lead to the victim of abuse
being killed by the abuser. In other cases, the constant emotional
and verbal abuse can slowly erode the victim’s self-confidence
and self-esteem. While physical abuse can, and often does, cause serious
physical harm, often requiring medical intervention, emotional abuse
hurts us deep inside and can leave permanent psychological and emotional
scars.

Many people experience abuse within the so-called cycle
of abuse or cycle of violence, in which periods of comparative
calm or peace (known as the ‘honeymoon stage’) will be
followed by a build-up toward an abusive episode. Though it may appear
as though these periods of apparent calm are non-abusive, they are
in actual fact simply part of a manipulative cycle, in which the abuser
feels in control of their partner and situation, may show repentance
for pain caused, even promise to change. Often it is these periods
of apparent calm, which give the victim of abuse the hope that change
can be achieved, and the abuse will stop, and keeps them locked in
the abusive relationship.

For more information on the different types of abuse, see Types
of Abuse.

The victim of abuse

Domestic violence affects people from all social, racial and financial
backgrounds. It affects men and women, old and young, heterosexual
couples and homosexual couples alike. It may start almost immediately,
or only after several years of being in a relationship. Though both
victims and perpetrators of abuse come from all backgrounds, the shock,
pain, confusion, feelings of guilt and betrayal of trust experienced
as a result of being subject to domestic violence is common to all.

Many sufferers of domestic violence do not speak out about what is
happening at home, but suffer in silence, often for years. They may
try to deny it to themselves, not wanting to admit to the reality
of the abuse; they may feel shame about the abuse, as though it were
their fault. A feeling of guilt about the abuse is almost universal
– the victim of abuse believing, and being told by the perpetrator,
that they or their actions are the cause of the abuse. This has a
double effect: it enables the abuser to continue to feel justified
in continuing their destructive behaviour, as the victim takes responsibility
for the abuse, and also allows the victim to continue to believe that
they can change the situation and can in some way control the abuse
and stop it. Real change in a perpetrator of abuse however is sadly
very rare.

Above all, it needs stressing that the victim of abuse is not responsible
for the abuse and violence, but is being manipulated and coerced by
the perpetrator.

Some long-term effects of abuse

While it seems obvious that physical violence can result in long-term
effects and even disability (if not death), the consequences of suffering
ongoing emotional abuse are often overlooked or minimised. As stated
earlier on, emotional abuse can affect us deep inside and leave permanent
emotional and psychological scars. Those who have been abused often
experience long-term feelings and reactions, which can cause a lot
of distress, including flashbacks, sudden feelings of anxiety, an
inability to concentrate or feelings of unreality. These reactions
and feelings are a normal reaction to a traumatic event and in their
extreme form – especially where accompanied by depression and
suicidal ideation – be considered Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder (PTSD), which requires medical assistance and
support.

Even where the abuse does not have physical long-term effects or
result in PTSD, the survivor of an abusive relationship will often
suffer low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. Survivors commonly
comment on feeling somehow ‘different’ to their peers,
as though their experiences have in some way set them apart from the
rest of society. Due to the controlling aspects of an abusive relationship,
the survivors may find it difficult to make personal decisions and
easily feel overwhelmed by everyday tasks. Throughout the abusive
relationship, the victim of abuse will use various different coping
mechanisms to survive emotionally and physically which are a necessary
strategy while in such a situation, but can be debilitating in a non-abusive
environment, and these have to be unlearned. Since abuse and violence
within an intimate relationship are also a huge betrayal of trust,
the survivor of abuse will often also have difficulty learning to
trust someone else and open up emotionally for fear of being betrayed
again.

Why are some people abusive?

It would be nice to know that all abuser walk around with a big A
for 'abuser' on their forehead, are easily discernable by anyone 'normal'
and always comply with the stereotypical image so often portrayed
in the media. In actual fact one of the main problems encountered
by victims, friends, family and various agencies dealing with the
consequences of an abusive relationship, is how 'normal' the abuser
seemed. Many victims of abuse comment on how their partner is like
a ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ – seems fine and lovely one
moment or in public, but presents a completely different personality
in private or at a different time. Often the victim of abuse will
spend hours trying to work out what is causing the abuse, what makes
their partner abusive.

Some people believe that abuse is only a case of bad anger management
on the part of the perpetrator, and no doubt in some cases the abuser
does have a problem dealing with anger in a non-destructive manner,
but on the whole the reasons or causes of abuse are much more deep-rooted
and complicated than a problem with anger or bad moods. There are
various theories which try to explain why abuse takes place, including
the theory that abuse is due to our living in a patriarchal society
in which men perceive themselves as having a born right to control
women and believe them to be their inferiors. This however, does not
explain why abuse should occur within homosexual relationships, nor
why in some cases it is the woman who is abusive toward her male partner.
Another theory holds that abuse is a learned behaviour, i.e. that
children who witness domestic violence at an early stage, will automatically
go on to be abusive themselves, and while this does hold true for
some perpetrators, the majority of abused children do not go on to
abuse their partners in adulthood, nor does it explain why some adults
from apparently non-abusive homes should carry on to become abusive
themselves.

What is clear is that most abusers do not have feelings of either
good self-esteem or self-worth themselves and feel the need to control
their environment to feel in control (safe and secure) themselves.
Where their attempts to control another person are successful, this
abusive behaviour and belief in the ability to control their environment
is increased – hence the chances of them changing is theoretically
decreased the longer the abusive relationship continues.

In some cases abusive behaviour can be the result of mental illness,
for instance someone suffering from schizophrenia may be violent toward
their loved ones or destroy their belongings.

Someone suffering from a dissociative
disorder (DID) may also act out in a violent manner or be emotionally
abusive. While the effects on the victim can be equally damaging or
lethal, this abuse has to be considered within the context of the
illness rather than specifically within the context of an abusive
relationship as such.

Is it possible to spot a potential abuser?

While not all abusers act in the same way, it is sometimes possible
to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about
to become involved with being abusive, since many, if not most, display
some common tendencies. These may include excessive jealousy, controlling
behaviour (often disguised or excused as concern), quick involvement
and pressuring their boy/girlfriend to commit to them early on. They
may have unrealistic expectations from either their partner or the
relationship itself, may try to isolate their partner from family,
friends or other social interactions, and are often hyper-sensitive,
getting easily hurt or offended. Very rarely will an abusive person
accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem, but will
tend to shift the responsibility onto other people or situations in
general. In a similar way, abusers will shift the blame/cause of their
feelings outside of themselves, seeing their emotions as a reaction
to other people or situations rather than stemming from themselves.

Other warning signs may include
cruelty toward animals and/or children, the ‘playful’
use of force in sex, threats of violence or punishment, a belief in
rigid stereotypical gender roles in a relationship, force used during
an argument, and breaking or smashing objects.

While these potential warning signs may be helpful, the best defence
against ending up as a victim of abuse may be to maintain a strong
sense of self and ones’ personal
boundaries, while at the same time realising that if one does
find oneself in an abusive relationship, it is not ones’ own
fault, and there is help available to escape.

How to help a friend experiencing abuse

If a friend confides in you that they are experiencing domestic violence,
there are various ways in which you can help them. Here are a few
suggestions:

Believe what they are telling you and be understanding –
the chances are that you are hearing only about of the tip of
the iceberg.

Inform yourself as much as possible about domestic abuse/violence
and the resources available to victims and survivors –
check out the web, local libraries and health centres, etc.

Be supportive toward your friend, reassure them that the abuse
is not OK and not something they have to put up with, but don’t
try to tell them what to do about it, let them make their own
decisions knowing that you will be there for them regardless
of their choice at that moment in time, even if it is staying
with their abuser.

You can provide practical assistance by accompany them to
their GP or local hospital if your friend is hurt and needs
medical assistance, or by offering your address for info packs
or your telephone for phone calls.

Help your friend to plan a safe strategy for leaving, bearing
in mind that they will know what is and what is not safe, while
ensuring that you don’t pressurise them into doing something
which they may have doubts about.

Remember to look after yourself while supporting your friend!

If you are suffering domestic violence

If you are being abused, please realise that it is not your fault,
that you are not to blame for the abuse and violence and that there
is very little hope of the abuser changing. Know that there are many
others who have experiences similar to yours and have survived, and
that there is help and support available to you.

Look after yourself and treat yourself as your friend. Learn as much
as you can about abuse and don’t be frightened of seeking support
and help.

Where to find help and support in the UK

If you are living in the UK you can call the National Domestic Violence
Helpline on 08457 023468, which will provide a confidential listening
ear and advice. If you are in need of immediate assistance and somewhere
to go, call Refuge’s 24-hour National Crisis Line on 0990
995 443.

The Women’s Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline
is also available to offer support, information and advice on what
to do or where to go on 0345 023 468.

Male victims of abuse can call the Men's Advice Line and Enquiries
on 020 8644 9914 for information, support and
advice to men experiencing domestic violence.

For more national and regional domestic violence helplines, check
out the Resources
section of Hidden Hurt while a complete up-to-date list of Women's
Aid and National Refuge numbers is available at www.womensaid.org.uk
.

Other sources of help, support and advice can be found in your local
telephone book or Yellow Pages, local library and obviously via your
GP, local council offices and Social Services departments.

Many Refuges offer local support groups for both victims and survivors
of domestic violence and these can be found by contacting your local
Refuge (see Womens’ Aid website or phone 0345 023
468).