After months of secrecy and dozens of claims touting how the new Nintendo controller will change the face of gaming, the new controller for the upcoming Nintendo Revolution game system has been unveiled to critical acclaim and public dismay.

"Today's games have become too complicated for the average gamer and thus have turned away billions of people who want to play but just aren't technically capable of doing so because of the tiny size of their brains," said long time Nintendo game creator Shigeru Miyamoto, who's Godlike status within Nintendo often allows him to meddle in aspects of system design for which he is ill qualified for. "We found that often times gamers were spending literally hours reading over controller instruction manuals before ever beginning to play their games. So with that thought in mind and straight vodka in our veins, we have created a new controller that even the most blockheaded of users will be able to use."

The new Nintendo controller features a rectangular shaped controller you can hold in one hand with a large red button labeled "Push" on it's face. The Push button will be used to perform all actions in your games, ranging from running and jumping to more advanced tasks such as casting for a delicious bass or performing a spinning-bird kick. And if you're a left-handed gamer, don't feel left out either as Nintendo has promised a left-handed version of this innovative controller to be available shortly after the initial system launch.

"We labeled the button Push so that users wouldn't think you were supposed to turn or pull it," said Nintendo controller designer Yoshiro Vegetabledip of the new controller. "This was a common complaint of our Game Cube, Nintendo 64, and SNES controllers."

In addition to his paralyzing fear of being photographed nuded while climbing the Eiffel Tower, Miyamoto also explained the sheer simplicity of this new controller after a few too many beers last night with the Smooth Operator staff.

"In our latest Mario game, you will push the button once to start walking forward. When you approach an unsuspecting Goomba, you will push the button again to stomp on him. Later, you may push the button to hit a block releasing a Fire Flower or push the button to leap across a bottom-less pit. The system is so simple that even politicians will be able to figure it out."

We were allowed a brief period of testing with the new controller and found not only was it easy to use, but it was also small enough that we could place it in a Ziploc bag and submerge it in water, making for a most excellent bath time submarine.

The first game we played, Killer Instinct Revolutions, proved to be one of the most simplistic and easy to play fighters of all time, reminding us of such classic button mashers as Double Dragon and Double Dragon 2.

"All I did was press this one single button and I was pulling of 19-hit combos and unblockable super power moves," I told myself in an interview earlier today. "To make it even easier, the screen even flashed the words 'Push' when it was time for me to do so."

I also found the controls of Donkey Kong Country Revolutions to be equally simple, with walking, eatin

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1. by Joseph on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM

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