Q: How can I let go of the hate I feel toward my ex who was emotionally abusive for over a decade? It’s been five years since I left, and he’s moved on and started a new family. While I wish him well, I have a hard time not feeling angry when I think of everything he did to me and how I allowed it. How do I heal and move on from this?

-Jennifer B.

A: Hi Jennifer,

It always breaks my heart a bit when I hear stories like yours. Nobody should ever have to live under such vile and deplorable conditions. Emotional abuse is about maintaining power and control for the perpetrator. As a result, the target of this verbal venom feels defeated, frightened, powerless and out of control. I’m pleased to see that you’ve removed yourself from that situation and now want to move forward. Unfortunately, the hate you now feel will cause this emotional wound to fester and will keep you stuck in the past. So you wonder if you can “healand move on from this?” The answer is YES!

In most cases of abuse - and since this has been going on for five years for you - I strongly suggest some counseling. The issues that make one receptive to this kind of relationship are often psychological in nature and thereby demand some kind of therapeutic exploration and intervention. For you, I see two issues where counseling would be beneficial. First, it can help you deal with the hateyou’re currently struggling with. Second, you must come to understand the underlying reasons why you let yourself be abused so that you don’t return to this kind of relationship again. If you do this Jennifer, I believe you’ll be able to lose that hatred, find some peace of mind and be a better, wiser and stronger woman going forward.