Okay, since I was asked to write a few chapters about some of the near misses I've had with law enforcement over the years, I thought I'd relate this tale that occurred back in the early 1990s. This is another time they had me dead to the right, and there was no possible way I could've gotten away, and yet, I was able to do so is such a way that, looking back, it was just plain funny. Through my •13 years of incarceration, I have reflected on events of my life, and I realize that God has really blessed me, and He has kept me safe. Plus, I have kept my fellow prisoners entertained and given them a few laughs. Going into Mexico through the years and coming back with pot has been quite the adventure. As I said in my previous chapter called the "Great Escape", I have always loved Mexico. I can never begin to explain in one chapter the fun, excitement, and friendships I have made in this beautiful country,. It's sad today that all the news reports about our neighbor to the South are about the cartels and all the violence that has plagued the borders, because I am here to tell you that most of Mexico's citizens are warm-hearted, down-to-earth people who would always welcome me with a smile, hug, a beer, and a plato de comida. (Plate of food.)

On this trip down there, a friend of mine, Danny, was with me. He was from Cincinnati, Ohio and would fly with me into Mexico from time to time and bring weed back. On this trip, we had gone to the bottom-most state in Mexico: Chiapas. It's a beautiful place that sits right on the border of Guatemala. Since it's so far from the Texas border, we had two different places that we would stop at to refuel. These places were set up by our friends in Chiapas. They were not airports, but places where you could land that sold fuel. This one place I'm going to tell you about was about an hour or so from the Texas border. It was run by a couple named Chando and Lydia. This was a very unusual couple because, for one, Lydia had the heart of an angel, and she would always greet me with a big smile and a huge hug. But Chando would always be pissed off at the world and would complain about everything, all the time. Lydia herself was another big difference. She was a big girl, weighing probably close to 400 pounds, while Chando weighed maybe 130 soaking wet. If there was ever an odd couple in the world, these two took first place. On top of everything else, even though they'd been together for a good while, they still weren't married to each other.

On the paritcular day we stopped there, I had a bag of tomatoes. I got them out of the plane for Lydia. She was such a sweet lady, I always tried to take her something on each trip. As Danny and I walked into this small building, I saw her eyes light Up as she noticed us come in. She got out of her chair and came around her old desk to give us a big hug.

Now, she was not just a big lady. She was also very well-endowed. Her breasts were as big as watermelons. I'm not kidding. Also, she always wore these colorful sun dresses, and this time, the dress she wore was a strapless number that came up over her bosom and snugged around under her armpits. She was having trouble keeping the dress up, because it kept slipping down, exposing her cleavage. When this would happen, I couldn't help but see these huge breasts, and she would catch me looking and smile and wink at me. I always flirted with Lydia on these trips, asking her when she was going to come back to Las Estadas Unidos with me. Sometimes, I'd ask her this in front of Chando, and she would giggle like a little school girl and her face would go red. I did this in front of Chando, because I knew he hated it, and I knew she liked it when I flirted with her while he was around. This guy Chando was always talking bad to Lydia. He would get drunk and call her "stupid" and "fat". This would piss me off, because he was such a little freaking weasle, and he was riding her ass about every little thing he could. I have to give her credit, though. If it ever bothered her, she never let on about it. I gave her the bag of tomatoes and she invited Danny and I into another room that had a small table and chairs. She told us to sit down and gave us each a beer and then put out a big bowl of advocado dip with chips. This is some thing else about Mexico that I love. They have the biggest advocados in the world.

Chando was over by the door, looking mad as hell, as usual. As Danny finished his beer, he went out with Chando to refuel the plane. While they were gone, I asked Lydia why she did not want to come to the U.S. As always, she said, "Maybe someday." I asked her if she had any family in the States, and she said, "Yes. In Austin." Suddenly, she blurted out, "Jay, I'm scared to fly! "I just laughed. I told her a lot of people were scared to fly, but they get over it the first time they try. I could tell by the look on her face she was thinking very seriously about taking me up on my offer someday.

Then she asked me a question that caught me off guard. "Jay, what do you have in your plane?" I was really surprised she asked the question. I mean, first of all, it's not the kind of question that gets asked a lot at a little landing strip like this one. And second of all, I had always just assumed that she knew what we were flying. I sat there looking her in the eye, debating whether or not to answer her question. She then said, "Chando told me you're atrafficante? Is this true? "I decided I'd just tell her the truth." I've got a thousand pounds of marijuana in that plane out there." I went on to tell her I hoped she didn't think any less of me just because of this, and she leaned over and gave me a sweet peck on the cheek. I looked at her, and, she was blushing again.

Right at this moment, my buddy Danny starts screaming my name, "Jay! Jay!" Suddenly, the door burst open, and two men came inside, both holding pistols. One walked up to me and put the barrel to my head. Lydia was terrified. In a soft voice, she kept saying, "No. Please don't." He just smiled at her. Then, I heard Chando's voice in the background, telling her to shut up and sit down.

Two other men brought Danny into the room at gunpoint and told him that we were under arrest. They then made us strip naked out of our clothes, and they locked us in this small storage room built with chicken wire and a locking door. Danny told me that Chando had set us up, that he'd heard one of the cops thanking him for "the tip". Lydia was by now screaming at Chando, who was laughing at her and calling her stupid. Now, for the first time ever, I saw real anger in her pretty eyes. Chando and the police took our belongings and went outside to our plane. Danny was looking out a small window that was in the side of the room. Lydia was crying now, saying she was sorry for what Chando was doing. Danny was doing a play by play telling me they had found my bag and taken out, and then spotted a few bottles of tequila we'd brought with us. They looked happy it was a good brand called "Azul". The cops seemed really pleased with themselves and Chando, too, with all the weed they'd found.

I moved over to look out the window with Danny. They'd started moving some of the grass outside to the ground. When they realized how much it was, they stopped and went over to another shed about 2 or 3 hundred yards away. I saw they were getting a long trailer out, and trying to figure out how to hitch it up to this small little truck. They would stop from time to time to drink up the tequila.

I turned around and told Lydia, "Look, you have to help us. Please open this door." I told her there were no other police there with these four, and they weren't going to arrest us, but kill us and steal all the dope. I knew they'd kill us, because they sure didn't want our friends in Chiapas to show up. They understood that would mean their death warrants. I told Lydia, "They might kill you, too." I begged her to open the door while we had a chance to get away. When she hesitated, I changed tack. "Lydia, come with us! Chando doesn't love you, and you deserve better than this idiot." Now she was looking earnestly into my eyes, and I saw a big smile slowly spread across her face. She reached for the door and opened it. Like lightning, we were out of the cage and headed for the front door.

These idiots were still drinking and laughing way on the other side of the field. I knew the plane's engine was still warm and wouldn't have any trouble starting up. I said "We can do this! Let's go!" And we took off for the plane. But I saw Lydia was not moving. Danny was already starting into the plane. Thank God when I looked up, Chando and the police he'd brought had still not seen what we were up to. By this time, I was in the door of the plane myself, and I was begging Lydia to hurry up and come on. I looked up to the cockpit, because Danny said, "All right, here they come!" I looked back out the door, and Lydia is finally moving. When she got to the door, she tried to climb up in the plane, but she couldn't fit. Danny knew she was right there, and believing she was already climbing in, he started to roll.

Now, Chando was a little bastard, but he was a FAST little bastard, and he ended up being the first of the men to catch up with us. He was running beside the plane, trying to pull Lydia out on to the ground. Her body is hanging half inside and half outside the plane, and try as. I might, I can't drag the rest of her in. Lydia started kicking and screaming, and since he couldn't grab hold of anything else, Chando clutches her dress and pulls. That sucker slid off her like a greased monkey.

You better believe that I was scared to death, but when that dress came off her and started flying through the air, I burst out laughing. It was a blessing in disguise, though, because the dress, hit Chando like a flying circus tent. He went tripping over himself, and his friends, who were now trying to catch us in the truck, almost ran over him before they could stop.

The boys in the truck had troubles of their own. They could barely keep the thing going straight, because the trailer was causing them to swerve back and forth. I knew exactly how they felt, because I had run to the cockpit and told Danny to switch places with me since he was a lot heavier than I, and I thought he might be able to use his weight to get Lydia in the plane. But even as I was getting the wheels off the ground, the plane was lurching back and forth because of the 400-pound woman hanging out of the door, kicking and screaming. I looked back and saw Danny pulling on her with all his strength, and suddenly we hear, BOOM! BOOM!" On the third "boom".,. Lydia screams, and Danny's head jerks back. My heart sank, as I thought Danny had been shot in the head. As it turned out, the bullet had gone through Lydia's ass-cheek and grazed Danny in the head.

Jerking my head the other way, I saw out the window that a man in the truck had caught hold of Lydia's foot. All of a sudden, a fourth shot rang out, and Lydia screams in agony again. They've put another bullet in her ass, but this time, her bowels let go, and she shit all over the guy holding her foot. I hear him scream, "You bitch!" But, he can't hang on, and she's free. Danny finally pulls her into the plane, but is hysterical, screaming,"I'm going to die! I'm going to die!"

When I could get the plane a few thousand feet in the air, I turned on the auto pilot. The plane, already stuffed with weed, didn't have any room at all. And here's this 400-pound naked lady writhing in the floor with blood and shit all over her and everything else.

Danny came and sat down in the cockpit, and I looked him over. There was so much blood, I didn't think he had much of a chance, but to my surprise and complete relief, the bullet never went in his skull. It just cut right down the hairline on his forehead. Most of the blood was coming from Lydia instead of his wound.

I told him to take control of the plane and get it higher in the air while I turned to Lydia. God! What a mess! Remember, we were just three naked people in a plain covered with shit and piss. Oh, and a whole lot of weed. Lydia was lying face-down, crying. I handed Danny some plastic and some duct tape, then got on top of her and started putting duct tape on the holes in her butt.

As we got closer to Texas, I radioed my uncle and told him to please have our doctor friend waiting. He kept asking questions, but since we were broadcasting, I didn't want to say anything, so he had no idea what to expect. After we landed, the plane finally came to a stop, and already, a crowd of friends and family had gathered, because they'd been listening to the radio and knew we had an emergency and wanted to see what had happened.

When I think of what happened next, to this day, I break out laughing. My uncle reaches up and opens the door, and here we all are. His naked nephew is sitting on top of a naked 400-pound woman and both of them are completely covered with blood and shit. Not to mention the bloody, naked man piloting the plane. For a moment, we all just stared at each other.

I finally broke the silence. "This woman saved my life. Uh, I had to bring her home." My uncle looked like he was searching for the right words as he processed the information before his eyes. At last, he spoke, Looking at Lydia, he said, "Welcome to America!"