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Every morning Custer rode thru the Indian Reservation on his
horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every
morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the
gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust
horizontally.
Eventually Custer said to his scout "I think I know what
the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the
significance of the horizontal one?".
The scout replied "He doesn't like your horse either!"
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a
few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."
When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her
operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it
would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job."
Q. What does it mean when a hillbilly girl drools out of both
sides of her mouth?
A. The trailer is level!
From D
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast
Table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly,
I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?"
She asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry,
And I don't want some a$$hole using my stuff..."
She looked at me and said:
"What makes you think I'd marry another a$$hole?"

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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there
sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She
turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of
women."
A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and
asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."
Little Johnny was in trouble again.
He was charged with the rape of a grown
woman, and all though the crime seemed
highly improbable, the state's evidence
was overwhelming.
As a last desperate move, the defense counsel
came over to the witness stand, pulled down
Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's
tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning
toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe
that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually
mature?"
Growing more agitated she went on, "How could this
miniature member be capable even of erection,
let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"WATCH IT, ma'am," hissed Little Johnny.
"One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
Easy arrest
A man visits his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't
wanted to have sex with him for the last 7 months.
The doctor tells the man to send his wife in so that he can
talk to her. The wife comes in to the doctor's office, and
the doctor asks her what is wrong -- why doesn't she want to
have sex with her husband?
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I
take a cab to work. I don't have any money. The cab driver
asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take
an 'or what.' When I get to work, I'm late so the boss asks
me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or
what?' So I take an 'or what.' Back home, I take the cab and
again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me
again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again
I take an 'or what.' So you see, doc, when I get home I'm
all tired out, I don't want it anymore."
The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or
what?"
These two guys are drinking really late one night in a bar
when one of them looks at the other and says, "I have to get
home, my wife is going to kill me."
The other guy says, "What, are you kidding me, my wife lets
me do whatever I want."
The first guy says, "I know, I know", all embarrassed that
his wife controls him. He continues," I try to sneak past
her everytime to. I drive really slow down my street and
turn the headlights off 100 yards short of my driveway, 50
feet short I turn off the key so that I can coast in, I shut
the car door easily, open the front door to the house
quietly, take off my boots so I can go up the stairs in my
socks, sneak through the bedroom door, and as soon as I hit
the bed she is up screaming at me."
The second guy laughs and replies, "There is your problem,
let me tell you what I do. I drive 90 MPH down my street
and lock it up sideways into my driveway, bump into the
garage door, slam the car door shut, slam the front door,
stomp up the stairs, swing the bedroom door open, jump up on
the bed, smack my wife on the butt and say 'hey sweetie, how
about a blowjob?' "
The second guy pauses for a second and replies," She's
sound asleep every time."
A hacker went up to a club pro and challenged him to 18
holes of golf for $100. There was one catch, though -- the
hacker gets two Gotcha's.
The club pro, with his attitude, said, "No problem. Whatever
the heck Gotcha's are, I'll still kick your behind all over
the course.
After the round, the two walked into the clubhouse. Others
were stunned to see the club pro pay the hacker $100. They
asked the pro how it happened.
He remarked, "Well, when I was teeing off on the first hole,
right in the middle of my backswing, he reached between my
legs, grabbed my balls and yelled, 'Gotcha!' And you have no
idea what it is like playing 18 holes waiting for the second
Gotcha."

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Just think, if it weren't for women to tell them different,
men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and
girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that
the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely
couple.
The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told
groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.
"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't
even swept together yet!"
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lied about the frequency of
their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone
has had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled an auditorium with people, and went down the
line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile,
the therapist was able to guess accurately until he came to the last man in
line, an elderly gentleman, who was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed. But the therapist was surprised when
the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a
month?" "No." The man finally said yes when the doctor got to "once a year."
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly
gentleman, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The gent answered, "Tonight's the night!"
Two hillbillies drove to a gas station in a remote district for
a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered
by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a
full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man
asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said,
"If you win, you're entitled to free SEX," and the man
asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant
explained "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if
you guess it right you win free SEX."
So the hillbilly filled up and asked to play the contest and
said " I Guess 7"
"Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to
get gas. When they went inside to pay, one hillbilly asked the
attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure,"
replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between
1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2" said the
hillbilly. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant.
Come back soon and try again.
As the two hillbillies were walking back to the car, one hillbilly
said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this
contest is rigged."
"No way," said the other hillbilly, "My wife won twice last
week."
Wife...lets go out and have fun tonight.
Husband.....Okay! If you get home before I do,
please leave the hall light on.

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One morning a man came into the church on
crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water,
put some on both legs, and then threw away his
crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran
into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the
priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said
the boy.
From Ross
After my divorce, I turned to computer dating services, which
provided me with names and phone numbers of women whose profiles
seemed a good match for me. Nervously, I picked up the phone and
called the first woman on my list.
To my great relief, she was quite pleasant, and I actually mustered
up the courage to ask her out. "I'm sorry," she replied firmly. "I
just can't do that."
I was stunned. "Do you mind my asking why not?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "I'm your wife's divorce attorney,
and you'd probably kill me."
A story of a woman who just turned 47 years old:
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have
a boyfriend.
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no
passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest
for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he
was too emotional. Everything was an emergency,
he was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he
was boring. He was totally predictable and never
got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy
with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an
exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.
He rushed from one thing to another, never settling
on anything.
He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone
he met. He made me miserable as often as happy.
He was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless.
So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with
his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him.
He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything
I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 47 And am looking for a guy with a big dick.
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband
does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said
"And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a
prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After
the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those
pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's
wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"
"How should I know ?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
A father and his son go into the grocery store and see the
condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many
different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, "Well, you see that three-pack? That's
for when you're in high school. You have two for Friday
night and one for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "Well what's the six-pack
for?"
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in
college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday
night, and two for Sunday morning."
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The
father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married.
You have one for January, one for February, one for
March..."

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There once was a conservative college in the east coast that
had a standing rule, the heat was to be turned off in the
dormitories when the school went on summer daylight savings
time.
Unfortunately, this year, winter decided to stick around a bit
longer. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories
complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing
could be done.
After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the
ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's
dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the
message,
"TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!"
The thermostat was turned up rather hastily.
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed
bachelor for many years.
"Mr Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the
one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll
meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at
home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the
world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters!"
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had
finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the
way you have intercourse", and he charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would
make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and
leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you
trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She
has a gossipy sister on an extended visit in her apartment,
so we can't go to there. I have too many noisy grandkids
running around my place and so we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $160.00. The Hilton charges $148.00.
We do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from
Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several
years of being happily married, the man had a heart attack.
The doctor advised him that to prolong his life, he would
have to stop having sex with his wife.
The man and his wife discussed the matter and decided that
he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them
both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without
sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.
He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up
to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:
One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I
tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you
no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss
on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla
me a sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eats lunch at drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet.
So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.
I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss
on you too, you sonna ma bitch.
I go back to Italy.

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