By Nury Vittachi

Monday, 31 December 2012

Beware the elbow lick of death

Scientists make shock discovery

ZOOLOGISTS LAST week announced the discovery of a tiny, super-cute new primate which can kill a human by licking its elbow. I am not making this up. The new species of loris found in the Philippines has a poison gland at its elbow, says the American Journal of Primatology. If the creature feels threatened, it attempts to grabs a slurp of poison before biting the attacker.

I reckon this fighting tactic sucks. Have you tried licking your elbow? It takes ages to get your arm high enough and your head in place.

Earlier this year I was in an airport and my kids and their friends were sneaking up on people and licking their elbows.

Why would anyone want to do that? They’d been told there were so few nerve endings on elbow skin that you can lick it without the person noticing.

The experiments did not produce conclusive answers, but did trigger this important thought:

Anyone thinking about having children MUST be made fully aware that they will become LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE for the actions of the sort of people who lick other people’s elbows in airports. THINK CAREFULLY.

But going back to the loris in the Philippines, the tale reminded me of a kid at school.

Everyone said that he was so toxic that if he bit you, you would die horribly.

I was a nerdy little science fan at school and didn’t believe a word of it. But he was small and hairy with big eyes, and possibly a self-elbow-licker. It could have been true. ***

IN OTHER NEWS…

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A WOMAN GOT into a bus on Wednesday last week. After a few minutes, she developed a tummy ache and felt something in her underpants. She reached into her trousers and pulled out a small boy, which she stared at in sheer amazement, her mind racing.

Not sure what she was saying, but it was probably something on the lines of: “This doesn’t look like a maxi-pad.”

Female passengers on the bus in Chengdu, China, raced to look after the newborn child and surprised mother.

A web commentator called The Shanghaiist said the incident was “a welcome image-change for the Chengdu bus service, previously known only for their buses’ tendency to combust.”

I can just imagine the conversation at home later.

HUSBAND: “How was your day?”

WIFE: “Okay. Did some shopping. Had a baby.”

I wonder which Christmas carol was playing on the bus’s sound system?

Hopefully “What Child Is This?”

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JAPAN’S LEADER-to-be Shinao Abe told people last week that he had just had a conversation with “President Bush” although he had in fact just spoken to President Obama. Not surprising. To Asian people, all US presidents look the same: tall white guys. Wait. No.

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WHO SAYS the print press is dead? A new publication has just been launched in Nairobi, Kenya. It’s called The China Daily Africa Weekly.

I think the slogan should be: “If you think our news reports are full of contradictions, check out our name.”