Hey Baby

Anyone?

So I got a call the other day from a casting agent I didn't even know had my info/cared about me but anyway, they asked me if I could audition for a new late night talk show. They're looking for girls to dress up as "cigarette girls", you know, those vaudevillian type ladies who walk around looking skanky? So clearly they thought of me.

Now, even if I were to get this job I couldn't take it due to another show commitment, but I decided to accept the audition because you never know who you'll meet. The woman on the phone says, "So, for the 'audition' just come in looking... you know, show us your body. Um, for lack of a better term..."

"Look trashy?"

"Exactly."

Awesome. So I spent all afternoon looking through my wardrobe. What could I wear that's sexy but not embarrassing; trashy yet still me? I went through all my skirts. Finally I found a great short jean skirt. But I still didn't know what to wear up top. I chose a bra that accentuated my bosom, natch, but the top was perplexing me. Well the next thing I know I found this great shirt that I haven't worn in years. Perfect! I put it on but there was something missing. Ah, yes... yes! I scrambled through my drawers and found an even better short pleated skirt. That, together with a sexy undergarment and some thigh-high stockings and boots did the trick. And as I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized I had constructed the perfect slutty/sexy/rockstar ensemble for this ridiculous audition.

And then I realized it was the same exact outfit I wore to my 30th birthday party. Is there anything anyone wants to tell me?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Oh How Cute

"I know... I'm going to get a hamster. Wait, just wait. It's not going to be just any hamster. A teddy bear hamster. I know, right? No, seriously... hear me out. I'm going to take that hamster, and place it in a pile of clovers. No, like the flowers, right? Okay. But you have to hear the best part. I'm going to put like, honey or some shit on his paws or something sos he'll lick them. Girls love that. But then wait... I'm gonna take a picture. No, I'm not shitting you. And then I'm going to post it to one of those friggin chick websites with the puppies and crap. No really. Watch me."

Guilty As Charged

I'm pretty annoyed with this whole Larry Craig case. I mean, think about it- the man had to plead guilty to disorderly conduct for soliciting gay sex. So? Since when has it been illegal to a. elicit sex b. fool around in a public bathroom? If either of those things are on the books I'm sure in a pickle. What really gets me is if this were heterosexual sex it'd just be like, "Craig found kissing woman in bathroom. Collective shrugs heard nationwide".

Here are some stupid laws in Minnesota still on the books:

It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there.It is illegal to sleep naked.All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.Driving a truck with dirty tires is considered a public nuisance.Placing tacks on a sidewalk is considered a public nuisance.

And finally:

You're not allowed to park your elephant on Main Street.

I guess by elephant they mean senator and by main street they mean gay airport sex.

Brooklyn Is En Fuego!

A friend just reminded me that the Coen brother's new movie, Burn After Reading, is filming in our neighborhood. It's kind of a big deal because the Pitt/Clooney dynamically straight duo is in this flick. I met Ethan Coen once on a movie shoot his wife was working on. He and his children were manning the craft services table. We had a lovely conversation about cream cheese. Is there any other kind?

Bootbs

This morning I was walking my dog when I saw my favorite little toddler on the street. His name is Tucker, he can barely talk and he loves dogs. He's like the 14 month old dog whisperer. So as he is hugging my dog and I am crouched down smiling he stops and stares straight ahead at me. So his mom says, "Oh, he just noticed your boobs."

My boobs?

Then she said, "Yeah, he really has a thing about boots."

Oh, my boots. Of course. I mean, why would he be staring at my boobs? It's not like I'm wearing this:

Doo Dah Doo Doo

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Junk Mail

I received this catalog in the mail here by accident and it's for a company called My Twinn. You can personalize a doll to look just like you. This is especially good for children that don't have siblings and whose parents pay for their affection.

This was on the back of the catalog. I found this for you online. This is My Twinn Baby G.But the scary part is it's on backorder.

Again With The Falafel!

If you haven't read this yet, Bill O'Reilly is in trouble for his remarks about a restaurant in Harlem saying that he couldn't believe how respectful the black people were. He was amazed that no one stood up and said, "Hey motherfucker, I want some more iced tea!"

This isn't the first time O'Reilly has said something ignorant about other cultures. Let's look at some past quotes, shall we?

On Jews:"It was weird. This guy was just like me, but with a bigger nose. He didn't even try to circumcise me or anything. I was surprised he didn't pick the penny up that I threw on the ground!"

On Latinos:"So I walk into this apartment and it was really tastefully decorated. And get this, there were only 3 people living there in a three bedroom apartment. Unbelievable!"

On Women:"My assistant, Judy, is just like the boys at the club! She comes to work on time, she gets things done; she never tries to leave because her 'period hurts' or 'there's cookies in the oven'. It's really refreshing."

On Arabs:"So, I'm in the taxicab and at first I'm a little worried because this guys got some crazy long name that I can hardly pronounce but get this- he speaks English. Perfectly. So of course I assume he's a doctor in India, because, you know, most of those guys are. Turns out he's an actor. An actor! Amazing! It's rare to find an Arab that really cares more about the arts than strapping a bomb to his chest."

Horse Shoes

Lost Boy

So last night I dreamed that Kiefer Sutherland and I were hanging out in his palatial pad in the Hills. We were just chilling out, talking about nothing in particular and every now and again a "friend" of his would walk by and grab something out of the fridge or comment on the weather or something, in the way that stoner moneygrubbing fair weather friends of celebrities do. It's kind of like that guy who lives in your college house, and no one really remembers telling him he could live there but there is a sleeping bag in the dining room and knows his way around a kitchen so you just figure someone told him he could stay.

Quick aside, when I first moved into my college house there was this weird summer to fall transition and at one point there were nine people living in a four bedroom house. The guy in the dining room was this 7 foot tall guy named Mike, whom we appropriately called "Daddy Mike" due to the fact that he was tall and occasionally shared his spaghetti with us. When he moved out, no one knew that he had or why. Much like my real daddy.

Anyway, at one point I almost turn to Kiefer and say, "Dude, you are awful calm. You know you just got arrested for a DUI and you might have to go to jail," but he just seemed so happy I figured I'd let him be. What's weird is that even though it was my dream, Kiefer was just as short as he is in real life. Because even in my dreams I am practical.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

OhDearOhGodOhNo

Somebody asked me for advice in naming a fund raiser that they are a part of that involves an organization that helps battered women. The evening will consist of chocolates and wine. I don't think they appreciated my suggestions. Maybe you can help. So far I have:

Holy Stalking Batman!

My best friend from camp just found me on the internets and emailed me through my website! Here's why it's kind of a big deal- I went to camp in Canada and this chick lives in British Columbia. Oh and I have a website. Because I am a big deal.

This girl and I wrote a poem about the US versus Canada like, 16 years ago when G.H.W. Bush was President. I don't remember much of it but I'll never forget this line:

Me:At least we all don't live on skisWith icy sleds to pushBaseball is our sport of choice

Very Nice

Why am I having the best day ever? Maybe my awesome mood has something to do with the fact that within days I will be watching my favorite lady ever, Heather, win Bret Michael's heart on Rock of Love. Maybe it's just the weather. Either way, today is pretty sweet.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Food For Thought

As I will not be in tomorrow, I will leave you all with this fascinating discussion from today's The View, in which new host Sherri Shepherd actually argues she doesn't know if the world is round or flat. Enjoy.

Amazing

Somebody Get Me A Barfbag

First of all, because everyone is asking, my tooth or lack thereof is healing slowly but surely. Thanks!

Okay, so I was watching the trailer of the new film with Hillary Swank, "PS I Love You" and I've got a few complaints. First of all, WTF H-Skank, what's with all these feel good romantic comedies? That is going to be the death of your career. It two time Oscar winner took Jodie Foster decades to get over Maverick. And don't talk about Nell, at least she tried. What happened?

Second, this trailer is just stupid. It starts off as most trailers do: "They were a young couple, madly in love" and it cuts to Hillary actually saying to her fated husband, "I love you too much. This can't last" Guess what?

It doesn't.

So the guy dies but before he does, he plans this elaborate treasure hunt of sorts where he leaves her with cute tasks postmortem like, "Buy yourself a new dress" or, "Enjoy this all expense paid trip to Ireland I planned on the sly before I died". Shoot, for my money he's better off dead than alive. Who even does that for their wife when they are healthy?

Mark my words, this movie will be a huge success. Judge for yourselves:

Fantastic Four

Double Blind Date

So, the Girl Upstairs (who used to sit next to me) went on a blind date last night. She's standing outside the bar where her date was supposed to be when she sees this other guy waiting. She asks if he's Pete and he says, "No, I'm Dave". So they wait and wait.

After some time Pete shows up with another girl. Pete points at Dave and says, "Dave?" "Yes," the bewildered man says. Pete pushed the other girl forward. "I've been on your date". Turns out Pete and the girl Dave was meeting were meeting at the same location, met, didn't bother to confirm they were the right people, and ended up on a date for half an hour.

Neither dates went very well although the GU claims that she wished she had gone out with Dave.

I Read It For The Pictures

There are only two reasons to read the New York Post. First, for the hilariously stupid headlines. Who could forget the one about Bill Richardson, "N.M. Governor Throws Sombrero Into Ring"? Tastelessly classy!

Then there's the graphics. This is hilarious. It's an article about the city sending "warning texts" in case of an emergency. Check out the "message" from Mayor Bloomberg:

Whine Whine

I felt bad for whining so much, but then I just read that a tooth extraction is the most traumatic type of dental procedure there is. Next to the fluoride treatment, of course. Remember those? My dentist always gave me a choice between mint-ass-flavored fluoride gel and cheery-ass-flavored fluoride gel. Then he'd squeeze a gargantuan amount of this white or red substance into this little plastic mouth tray and I'd have to keep it in my mouth for 5 long minutes.

Anyway, one time I had eaten McDonald's before the dentist appt., and I got so nauseous from the fluoride treatment that I vomited both gel and digested burger right on my bib/lap/chair. From then on, I wasn't allowed to eat before I went to the dentist.

Take My Pulse... Please!

Holy crap. This 33 year old Venezuelan guy who was pronounced dead after a car crash woke up DURING HIS OWN AUTOPSY. First of all, who needs an autopsy after a car crash? Second, did you know that in the olden days, they attached a bell to all caskets in case the person wasn't really dead and they could pull the cord to let people know they were alive? Hence the phrase, "Saved By The Bell". That is actually true. So, do we need to reinstate that?

I know there's a worldwide health care crisis people, but this is ridiculous.

Drumroll, Please

Whattimeisit?

Hello! So remember when I compared getting a tooth extracted like giving birth in your face? Well it turns out, it's a lot like giving birth! Because I now have to take care of a baby tooth. Sort of.

You see every four hours the drugs wear off and I am awakened by my nerves screaming loudly, thus causing me to get out of bed, shuffle to the kitchen and nurse my wound with vicodin and Raspberry Diet Snapple Iced Tea. Back to bed and four hours later, wouldn't you know it. The baby tooth wakes me again. But there is no baby and the tooth is actually a gaping hole.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Somebody Get Some Candles

Happy birthday emoticons! It was 25 years ago today that some douche bag professor created the fateful :-) !

After the popular concept soon grew into a cult phenomenon, emoticons graduated from the flirtatious ;) to the tragic:

:'( - Crying

Ever see a rose? @~)~~~~Oh, look- sunglasses 8-)

As the decades progressed and people became more introverted, reliance on emoticons remained the best way to express people's invariably daily moodswings. AOL finally stepped up to the daunting task of computerized self expression with this wacky character:

Ha ha! There's nothing like an AOL popup IM from the girl sitting 3 feet away from you to let you know how she's feeling.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Tiny Cat

Not Like Fine Wine

When I was young I had the biggest crush on teen heartthrob Balthazar Getty. Here he is rocking out to some cool tunes in a German magazine photo. I mean, seriously. Remember Young Guns II? Wow. So, where is he now?

I mean, what in the balls happened to him? Is that him or the wacky anti-hero from Knocked Up?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Creepy and Weird

OK so not only is my boss in a feature article this week but she is also on this TV show every day. People are starting to buzz about her and I've received countless phone calls from fans. Yes, fans. Like, "Is this ------'s office?" "Yes" "Oh, I just love her! Did you see what she said last night about..." blah blah blah. I signed on to be an assistant at a tiny office, not a celebrity handler.

Small Candy

Hold, Please

My boss was recently the subject of a feature article for a major publication and now every newspaper is calling the office. They call me asking for her but I'm all like, well do you know who I am? I'm f@#king Tempy. That's right.

I Wanted To Be Patsy

I got a call and a text from my frantic upstairs neighbor that the landlord's crazy girlfriend is having another one of her episodes. This one is aimed at her roommate. Crazy Pants thinks the girl's roommate stole her camera. The following is an actual transcript of the rest of the conversation.

Me: So she tried to steal the camera back?

Girl Upstairs: Yes, she claimed that it was really hers and she wanted it back. Then she told [my roommate] to pick up the trash outside.

Me: Trash? What trash?

GU: Exactly.

Me: Wow. So what else did she say?

GU: Well then she went on about us "three girls" in the building who were worrisome. She's referring to me, [roommate] and you, I guess. So then she says that Patsy is the worst because...

Me: Hold it, hold on... Patsy?

GU: And I said Patsy isn't her name.

Me: But she's referring to me, right? My name sounds a bit like Patsy, right?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Not Mine

It's this woman's birthday here and some of my co-workers bought her beer and hid it in my cubicle. So when someone disapproving finds it they can blame it on me. Either that or I bought and consumed three beers without my knowledge. I'd like to choose column A. What pisses me off is those f@#kers didn't bother to tell me they hid it here; I had to literally stumble on a pack of Corona's when I returned to my desk.

In Case You Were Wondering

Good Luck Tempy

This online magazine I sometimes write for asked me to interview Dane Cook and Jessica Alba for their new romantic comedy Good Luck Chuck.

By phone. No, I'm not doing it for scheduling reasons, but I also have no idea what I'd ask. Here's a few ideas:

"Hey, Jessica, how does it feel to be totally hot?""Dane, who are you?""Jessica, if you are so hot, why are you dating that greasy douche, Cash Warren?""Dane... OK, I just IMDB'd you. I know who you are.""Jessica, You were great in Fantastic Four. Do you prefer romantic comedies or action films?""Dane, you were so funny when you Punk'd Mandy Moore!""Jessica, recent polls have shown a 1/5th of Americans can't locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?""Oh, sorry Dane, that was Dax Shepard. Wait.. who are you?"

I'm In Love

From my inbox today:

"HELLO

Iam seeking honest, reliable, trust, caring lady for life relationship, whon will not disapoint me in future,To tell you the fact i have not see you before but your picture move my spirit of love toward you, I beleive with Almighty God all things will be possilbe.To know more about me send me your email address to enable me send my pictures,If need to see me live than tell me when you will be on net so that set on my webcam.

When a man is quiet, Millions of things are running in his mind. When a man is not arguing, He is thinking deeply. When a man looks at u with eyes full of questions, He is wondering how long you will be around. When a man answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds, He is not at all fine. When a man stares at you, He is wondering why you are lying.

When a man says I love you, He means it. When a man says "i miss you", No one in this world can miss you more than him. U will get kissed on me when we get marriage together. Don't break this relationship

Monday, September 10, 2007

I'm OK

It's just an extraction, people. Looks like I'll be fine. I just need to make sure my insurance has kicked in before I do something totally crazy like get some minor surgery. I'm so decadent! Either way, next Monday is extraction day. Which makes the next theme day Compound Fraction Extraction Action! Hope I don't end up in traction from a bad reaction to a contraction.

So Much To Say

Wish I could talk to all of you about so many things today- Britney, the weather, puppies, but looks like I'm off to the... gasp... dentist?! Turns out this "broken molar" is a lot more "serious" than I "thought".

Spend It Like Beckham

Friday, September 07, 2007

Much Better

OK, no more migraine. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that High Energy Woman left early. And now I reeeeeeeeeeally want to steal some Peppermint Patty's from the floor we used to be on but I don't want them to think I'm using them for their candy. Even though it's true. But I did make a cappuccino for a guy up there with our new fancy machine as a thank you for the Vienna fingers earlier.

4 Real

These are companies that want to send you their logo-ed mugs and balls. They don't ask for your email, just an address to send the crap to. I'll let you know when I am sitting at work, manually working out my stress and sipping a cold one.

Shopping

No Fare

Unless you are a drunken club kid at 2 am, the taxi cab strike should not affect you. New York has the best public transportation system in the world. You can go from anywhere to anywhere at any time in less than an hour. You can ride the bus, subway, LIRR, pedicab or horse and buggy at a moments notice. So when I see a bunch of able bodied blow-hards hailing cabs in vain during a taxi strike it really pisses me off. Save the union-traiter scab cabs for the handicapped and blind people. Even Brad Pitt rides carriage.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The Potatonap

So there's this guy in my office who has a Mr. Potatohead that got lost in the move. Even the High Energy Woman has been running around going, "Where is the Mr. Potatoman?!" Well, I know where it is so I got the guy from the other office to take a picture of his parts. We made up an email address and are sending him photos asking for ransom.

It's Cloudy

Do women turn into total idiots when they get on the set of The View? I mean, we're talking intelligent, strong women who have done the most asinine things once their torso passes under the retard beam that surrounds a 20 foot radius of the stage. First Barbara Walters ends up with a crying panelist on her lap, Rosie O'Donnell ends up strapped upside down from the ceiling to combat depression, and now the new host Whoopi Goldberg is defending Michael Vick because "where he comes from" dogfighting is "common". I get that argument but that doesn't mean it's not "fucking stupid". I'd say it's for ratings but I'm convinced Barbara Walters drugs them somehow.