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good evening The One…I have a simple question..A lot of people are using online dating. With that being said I meant a guy on Tinder he sent the first message and we started sending messages. He answered messages nice and thorough. He asked nice questions…So this went on for about 3days where he is sending me messages through the site…And I am thinking like we seem to have ok conversation..Why is he not asking for my number…So I asked him was he shy he says no why Im like you have not asked me for a date or my number I assume you like me or you would not send messages everyday..so he says something like I have been so busy with work working 16hr days and so on.So he sends his number with a smiley face…I send him my number and he called that day.We held a brief conversation…Then he went right back to texting all the time..I am not looking to meet you today and marry you tomorrow…But really whats the deal…Was he interested and just did not have the time “with his 16hr days” and I am being to pushy..or I was being strung along?

If you get the EGuide “Online Dating”, you’ll find out what to do and how to navigate online interactions with guys. When a guy does not ask you out, he always has a reason. You found out the reason, which makes sense. A guy working 16 hour days will not have time or will be too tired to deal with dating and setting up dates. He could be doing night shifts and sleeping all day. But he’s lonely and needs attention, so he uses Tinder.

There is only one proof of interest whether on a phone app, through the computer screen, or in person. He takes you out on a date. Anything else is just wasting your time.

If you had not questioned him, he would still be sending messages to you without a date. That fact wouldn’t change. And you would be writing to me asking why he doesn’t ask you out, and I would answer the same way, just without a specific reason such as him working 16 hour days.

Were you pushy? In this case, no, because you wanted an answer right away and didn’t want to assume anything. But I’m here to tell you that in the future, you CAN assume a guy who keeps talking to you without a date should be left alone. Let him waste someone else’s time.

Does it matter if his reason was working long hours or something else? What if he just said he wasn’t ready, didn’t have any money, or his car broke down, or he just wanted to be friends, or fill in the blank?

You see, whatever reason does not matter, because the result is the same. He isn’t dating you. And he has already required a lot of your time and mental space. And what you have to decide to do will still be the same, which is whether you want to continue to waste your time or move on.

Remember, a guy who is interested in you would never waste your or his time. He would jump at the opportunity to take you out, to impress you. Beware of men who have no interest in making an effort to spend time with you. Choose men who show proof of interest!

Thank you so much for your wise words. I appreciate you. We are on different work teams thank God/Universe. He sits near the bathroom however so I could run into him over 4x a day if I don’t go out of the way to a different bathroom. I’m not 100% sold on office romance/dating so I wanted to see if it’s possible to not see him at all for a day or two or 3 and I discovered that it is possible. On top of him being new he is in an upper level management position although he is young so I agree it’s risky.

Hi,
A new coworker has initiated communication with me twice in the two weeks he has been employed here. Once to ask me my name and then he came to my desk to offer chocolates. I have been friendly and classy in our exchanges. My best friend feels that I need to give him a hint of my interest to ask me out. I feel I have done enough by being friendly and smiling. I also limit our run ins intentionally to not be predictable and accessible which she also disagrees with. What are your thoughts? Does someone who has approached twice so far need a hint to ask you out?

Hints at this stage are too soon, in my view. He only spoke to you twice. It’s too early to assume it is time for him to make the next move. Consider what’s at stake for a guy new to his job or new to the workplace. If he picks up on your hints (if he’s savvy, he will) and isn’t ready, he might end up having to avoid you totally instead of continuing to approach you.

And, just because he initiated conversations does not mean he is looking for girlfriend. Remember, he’s at work, so he has to initiate conversations sometimes just like you do. Until he asks you out on a date, he is a charming, flirtatious co-worker. Viewing him as such will give you staying power, which is what every Prize Catch needs when dealing with a man she finds attractive.

If he is a guy you saw at a party and he initiated conversation, then that would have more weight. So congratulations on doing the right thing by being friendly and classy. He knows you’re approachable and you make him comfortable enough to approach the second time. Yet, he knows you value yourself since you haven’t thrown yourself at him. Everything is right on track!

Friends are well-meaning, but do not let them rush you and ruin what I describe in the Prize Catch Dictionary, as “the dating process”. This process is fragile and requires timely steps. Allow that to happen. Meanwhile, focus on doing your job (and being the best you), and if you have to speak to him about work-related stuff, go ahead in earnest without pretension. Any non-work related topics should be light topics (not deep, dark stuff). And don’t hang around long. Let him value what you give him.

Right now, the dating process has not officially begun, but you must still respect it in case it grows legs. Besides, if he approached you twice without your help, he obviously is capable of stepping up to ask you out. (There are guys who would be a nervous wreck offering a woman chocolates or scoff at such a move.) So if he is sufficiently INTERESTED, it will happen. If he wants you without stepping up, then he would make a terrible boyfriend and life partner anyway.

Right now you’re in a win-win situation. If he steps up, great. If nothing pans out, guess what? It confirms you did the right thing all along. He would have been a total time-waster. You win either way.

Regarding your being deliberately unpredictable, that would be an excellent move in situations where he is seeing and talking to you regularly and constantly, at the same old place at the same old time. If that is not the case, then you’re nowhere near the Danger Zone.

So there is no need to be darting here and there and figuring out when he might be at the water cooler. Go about your business. And it might help that he gets to see you out and about to remind him of the Prize that you are. Shake things up when you two start doing too much hanging out at the same place and time regularly, with no date in sight.

Hi One Truth, I recently encountered a situation and would love to hear your thoughts. It’s nothing serious since he hasn’t asked me out or anything. I recently met a guy at a bike riding meetup where I am an organizer. He is tall, educated, and fairly attractive. I thought he might like me because he started to join all the bike rides I was in and dropped out of the ones that I dropped out of. It felt like he was following me. This past weekend both of us were on an overnight trip for a bike ride. On the ride there were 2 other women that liked him and were competing for his attention but I refrained. At the start of the trip he sat next to me, was blushing, and stayed close to me. But being shy I couldn’t really open up and didn’t talk to him much and he drifted to another woman who was more outgoing. Towards the end of the trip they were acting a bit like a couple–getting ice cream together, sitting next to each other, biking together. So I figured he liked her more. No problem I thought, you win some you lose some in life. Afterwards I posted up photos of the bike ride. He also posted up photos–one of each of us women. First, the woman he was “coupled up with”, then the other woman, then me. Under just my photo he posted a lighthearted comment. He just dropped out of another ride that I dropped out of. My question is–what does his behavior mean? Does he seem like a manipulative player? Should I stay away from him?

It sounds like he is definitely enjoying female company. It’s interesting he would drop out of events if you do. Perhaps you ought to ask him casually, “Hey, why didn’t you go last Saturday?” — if just for curiosity’s sake. That might lead to an answer.

His flitting from one woman to another may mean he isn’t actively seeking a relationship right now. Or despite being tall, fairly good-looking, and educated, he might be one of those men who feel awkward around women. It’s hard to say since I haven’t seen him in action.

Usually, however, an attractive, tall, educated man is aware he is considered a catch — regardless of his true level of self-esteem. He just has to look in the mirror and compare himself to others, and in general, take in the feedback women and men give him, be it in social settings or job interviews.

I say this because a so-called “catch” of a guy does not just wake up to discover he is one. He knows it and can use it to his advantage. He can succumb to doing some manipulating because he sees the power he wields in influencing people. (Women can do the same with their beauty and sex appeal, so you can imagine how this works.)

But as I demonstrated above, diagnosing a guy’s intentions prior to a date can be very daunting because there are too many ways of reading his behavior. This can lead to assumptions that may not be true. That is why the only time a guy should garner a woman’s attention and potential investment in him is when he offers her a date. Until then, he is just someone she bumps into now and then, someone who could be wasting her time.

You know a man is positively NOT a time-waster when he actually starts planning dates with you. No matter how shy and inept a guy is, or whether or not he’s a manipulative player, all it takes for any flicker of interest from him is to say, “Let’s go grab coffee.”

Don’t do anything to purposely avoid him. Just carry on as normal. You’re the organizer. What you don’t have time for is trying to figure out who he’s into. That’s his job — not yours. Right now, he’s a guy who is relishing in all this attention and unless he confides in you truthfully, who knows what he’s really up to. Plenty of guys like to hit on different women and see which one requires the least effort so it will be easy for him to score. Not saying he’s like this, but you never know.

Now, I must add, if you are too shy to carry on a conversation with a guy (not to dominate a conversation, but just able to participate in one), then a guy who finds you physically appealing may find it hard to estimate whether he’d enjoy spending more time with you.

When a guy is going only for physical appearance, then he is usually in it for sex and won’t know how to sustain a relationship in the long run anyway. Since I doubt that you want that, perhaps you can practice holding a light-hearted conversation with him next time he approaches you. You can start it with, “Hey, why did you drop out last Saturday?”

I say merely “practice” with him because you wouldn’t want to start investing in him and build hope. No man should give you any hope for something there without a date. Remember, you want a guy who is CLEARLY interested in you so you never have to wonder. Not a guy you have to overanalyze (which I do for you!) and lose sleep over.

Don’t jump through hoops for a guy, because that is not what makes him fall in love. Be your best self, but be serenely confident a guy either wants you or not. And you never need to worry about those that don’t.

Thanks, One Truth, your advice always hits the bullseye! I tend to get attached quickly when an attractive / eligible guy shows me some interest. And start to emotionally invest too much in him even without a date. It’s hard to control..

During that bike ride he confided in me that he had lost a lot of weight and still has about 15 lbs to go. He also said that playing online computer games about helped him overcome social anxiety 5-6 years ago. These seem to be pretty personal things to confide in someone you barely know. He seems to reveal personal thinks kind of quickly. This past weekend he was supposed to go on another bike ride with me, but decided to drop out at the last minute (no explanation given). He’s been missing in action since last Friday and hasn’t logged into his meetup account since. You’re right that at this point I shouldn’t even think about him. But I think I’d be wary of dating him if it ever came to that. Seems like a very inconsistent person…

You’re very welcome! You mentioned that he showed some interest. In my view, he was showing friendliness because despite his social anxiety, these group activities enabled him to talk to you and others more easily. He was just getting to know everyone. Friendly men could be curious, open, and sociable. Even flirty if they want to be. But they aren’t suitors because they don’t see you as a romantic date. Not until they ask you out.

Knowing that you want more, it helps to keep the definition of guy showing “interest” strictly as asking you out on a date.

While you may think he is inconsistent, he is actually quite consistent in that he has consistently stuck to being non-suitor material!

If it helps, categorize men into two camps: suitors and time-wasters. Time-wasters could be acquaintances, strangers, or platonic friends you’re not attracted to. They aren’t bad people. Just would waste your time if you thought of them as suitors.

You’re not alone in emotionally investing in a guy before a date. It is common and natural. The good thing is that you didn’t get terribly hurt or waste too much time on him. If you learned something from this experience, then well done. Many women experience heartbreak just to learn the same thing.

One man who chased me for a year until I agreed to go out with him. After second time, I found all he wanted is sex, nothing else. I then rejected him and now he is chasing me again. There you go. A guy who asked you out is not necessary interested in you. I also know a guy (nice one) who is interested in me but I am not interested. I do not think he has the guts to ask me out since I never showed any interested in him but being very nice to him. There is a great guy who is interested in me and I have deep feeling for him, yet he is not asking me out, maybe will never. This is a complicated game.

Agreed, I’m in a similar situation.
This all sucks, because there must be so many variables in the right place for something good to happen, first of all, mutual romantic interest, then, no misunderstanding about interest, then, putting away egos, playing the dating game, waiting out with sex, ….. Just too many things, that mever play out perfectly.. But I am still hopeful. 🙂

You don’t know for sure if a guy who asks you out will end up being serious, or if a guy who does not ask you out is interested. What you know for sure is a guy who does ask you out is the only one showing interest.

Me and this guy only talked about 2-3 times. All three occurrences happened in class as we were assigned to work on a group project together. The first time our group (which was composed of 5 people) met together,I had made a comment about what I thought the assignment entailed and he said that he thought the same thing. During this time, I still wasn’t interested in him and didn’t want to encourage him in any way, so I didn’t really comment in turn. I wasn’t rude, but I wasn’t very open and friendly either.

The second occurrence was also at school when we met for a second time to work on the project. One of the other group members asked me when I would be finished school and I told him I was in my last year. Then the guy who I wrote about in my last post, asked me what I planned on doing after grad and I politely answered him. I don’t know if those 2 instances are considered initiating conversation, but those are first things I recall him asking/saying to me.

As the group meeting progressed, I noticed him wearing a wrist band and that he had some very distinct tattoos. So I asked him about them. That’s when I found out he was a veteran of the military and that the tattoos and wrist band were a tribute to his friends that were killed in combat. He took off his wrist band and handed it to me to take a look at it. At that point, I felt bad for previously dismissing him and prejudging. I had no idea he went through all that. I asked him about his time in service and he was pretty open about it. The one thing though that I probably shouldn’t have asked about was if he had ptsd (which he did) but with the program we study at school, subjects like this come up pretty often,so at the time, I didn’t think it was out of line. Also before I asked him about it, I said that if he didn’t want to answer that would be totally okay. I know that’s a touchy subject but I meant no harm or intrusion, I genuinely just wanted to get to know him and understand where he was coming from. Having been through a lot in my own life, I tend to really identify with people who are survivors.

At that point, I had started to like him as a friend and person, but I didn’t develop feelings for him until about the second last class we had together. It was very sudden and almost like the attraction came out of nowhere,

Thanks for clarifying about the following part. I agree that the most reliable indicator of a man’s interest is asking a woman on a date. I think you’re right about how him following me probably seemed like a safe bet if he had a girlfriend at the time. However, I don’t know for a fact that he had a girlfriend at the time, because had never mentioned her before and the only reason I knew of her was because I saw him on the last day of class holding hands with a girl in the hallway. But just for the record, I’m not wanting to start a relationship with him, I just wanted some insight. I just wish guys wouldn’t stare, smile, follow, hover and chat you up when they have no intention of taking it anywhere.I think it would spare a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I know that women sometimes do this too, but I just notice it seems to be a lot more common in men.

Men do what they do, there’s nothing you can do about changing that. The only thing you have control over is what you allow in your mental real estate as they call it. And avoid wracking your brains trying to figure out what’s behind a guy’s behavior.

Just require this piece of evidence to assure you of his interest: him asking you out on a date.

As long as he isn’t asking you out on a date, there’s nothing to wonder about. Especially whether or not you like him, and above all, especially if he’s got a girlfriend. And if he does have one and still asks you out, just say sweetly, “When you’re single, ask me again.”

Whatever men do and women do differently is just reality. It changes with time and trends anyway. Don’t compare lest you become more antagonistic or resentful against the male sex which simply disempowers you in dating and relationships.

You want a man who shows interest that is worthy of your time. Whatever they do up to that point is inconsequential.

Next time, don’t bother looking at a guy like he’s got potential UNTIL he asks you out. Because UNTIL then, you are only assuming, guessing, speculating, and even fantasizing. That’s a lot of time spent on someone who hasn’t even invested in you in the same way.

Even when a guy does take you out on a date, he may still not be in love with you. Women have a built-in need to cement relationships. That is why the overwhelming majority of hardcore loners are men, whether they are nature enthusiasts, hermits out in the wild, or homeless people. Knowing you are wired differently, all the more strict should your definition of a man’s interest be before you allow your feelings to take over.

Your advice is so simple yet so true! By the way, I think you must be a woman. I could really hardly imagine a man having so profound an understanding of the woman’s psychology. 🙂 Maybe I’m wrong though…

me too. I think One Truth is a woman. And wondering how old is she? she sounds so matured. and yet the way she put her words, she sounds very much like a businesswoman, like so factual, confident and doesnt sound very old. I wonder if someone in her 30s had learnt so much abt men – the hidden secrets (to let men chase you). one truth is the mother of all prize catches. you’re magic.

Hi again One Truth, (and sorry about the late response, it’s been busy!)

Thank you for your detailed answer. Just for the record, I have since lost interest in this guy and it sure feels nice! I just wanted to make a few clarifications in regards to your response.

When you said,

“As long as he isn’t asking you out on a date, there’s nothing to wonder about. Especially whether you like him, whether his behavior means certain things, and above all, especially if he’s got a girlfriend. And if he does have one and still asks you out, just say sweetly, “When you’re single, ask me again.”

I just wanted to make it clear that I was NOT interested in dating him even though he had a girlfriend. That’s just wrong. And I would never want to be the reason as to why a guy breaks up with his gf. That’s not right or a good foundation for a relationship. If a guy in a relationship asked me out, I would NOT accept.

“Whatever men do and women do differently is just reality. It changes with time and trends anyway. Don’t compare lest you become more antagonistic or resentful against the male sex which simply disempowers you in dating and relationships.”

Yes, I know we’re different. It’s not that I compare myself, and even though I know that “men do what they do” I just think that some things should just be considered courtesy and respect regardless of gender (like a person not presenting themselves in ways that imply one thing when they mean something else entirely.). I know you said that a man asking a woman out is the only reliable sign of interest, but when I hear so many conflicting messages, like when some say that a man may in fact truly be interested in a woman but then not ask her out due to “shyness or fear of rejection.” But then I come across blogs like this that say if a man is truly interested, he and only he will (and should) pursue. I guess the conflicting messages are part of the reason I may at times try to interpret a guys actions and words. But to be honest, I’m tired of that and I regret the time I spent on trying to figure some guy out, when I could have made it much easier on myself by just knowing there’s nothing to figure out until I receive an invitation for a date.

“Even when a guy does take you out on a date, he may still not be in love with you.”

I know. For some guys it may just used as a vehicle to “score”. And/or some may in fact be genuinely attracted and interested in getting to know a woman better, but at the time of the first date may not have feelings that have developed into love. It happens.

“You want a man who shows interest that is worthy of your time. Whatever they do up to that point is inconsequential…Next time, don’t bother looking at a guy like he’s got potential UNTIL he asks you out.”

Agreed.

“That is why the overwhelming majority of hardcore loners are men, whether they are nature enthusiasts, hermits out in the wild, or homeless people. Knowing you are wired differently, all the more strict should your definition of a man’s interest be before you allow your feelings to take over.”

I agree about having a strict definition of a man’s interest before allowing my feelings to take over. Although I know we’re wired differently I do have a bit of a lonerish streak myself and very much value independence.

Hi One, (sorry for all the post, I just realized there was some typos in the last 2 and wanted to do minor editing for better clarity)

There was this guy in one of my college classes (I’ve since graduated) who I was assigned to work with on a group project. At first, I didn’t like him because something about him just rubbed me the wrong way. One of the reasons was that early on in the semester, I had to stay behind to talk to the instructor. I noticed he was kind of lingering in the corner with what seemed to be a smirk on his face. I thought it was kind of weird but didn’t think much of it, because I assumed that he had to talk to our prof and was just waiting his turn. However, as soon I started to leave the class, he did too. This confused me and weirded me out a bit, because at the time I was sure that I wasn’t interested and I really didn’t want to encourage his pursing me in any way. So basically, I just walked past him without any eye contact and proceeded to speed walk away. He followed me for a bit of distance outside of the classroom and into the hallway before I lost him, When I saw him again in class after this instance, he continued smiling and being pleasant to me, but he never tried to follow me again so I assumed he got the message.

However, as I got to know him, I started to kind of like him. I discovered that he was a military veteran that had been through a lot at a fairly young age and I felt kind of bad for dismissing him before I got to know him. So I started to become friendlier and he seemed to respond positively to this. By the end of the term, I felt an attraction develop for him, which I wasn’t expecting. However, not too long after, I discovered he had a girlfriend when I saw him holding hands with this girl in the hallway. I was hurt to say the least, but I realized right then and there, there was no chance of anything beyond a friendship developing. What I’m still confused about though, if a man follows you in a school or public setting, but doesn’t actually speak to you, is that a sign of pursuit or more like a red flag? I consider myself to be an intelligent woman but my lack of experience with guys can make it hard to read them sometimes. I would really appreciate your insight!

Welcome to the blog. You said you weren’t at first interested. How did you get to know him to become interested? Did he initiate conversation? That is a crucial piece of evidence for his interest.

Men initiate, women respond. Memorize this sequence and you won’t ever make the same mistake again.

Sadly, you never went out on a date with him and still developed feelings. That is why there should be minimal contact UNTIL a guy asks you out. Without going out on dates, there’s too much opportunity for developing feelings for a time-waster, which he is because he’s already taken.

He probably felt some attraction and was curious about you, feeling it was safer (since he already has a girlfriend) to follow you than to talk to you directly. But no, following you or smiling at you is not pursuing. Pursuing is taking you out on dates, but his hands are tied.

Don’t read a guy. They are not women to be read, but men who take action to prove their interest. Go by this and become a Prize Catch pro via the EGuides and you can’t go wrong!

I have a question about a general behavior pattern that I see with people. Why is it that some men will do all sorts of things to get your attention, but once he has it he ignores you? Is this a sign of emotional immaturity?

A guy that does that isn’t content with who he is, feels inadequate on some level, needs to be affirmed of his attractiveness, and by grabbing your attention, he gets to temporarily feel good about himself.

It’s a challenge to him and the thrill of it motivates him. After he gets the attention he seeks, he’s done with the game, he is assured of your response, and is back to being bored, insecure, and unaffirmed again. So he’s off elsewhere seeking it again.

The phrase “nut up or shut up” comes to mind. Men are taught to express themselves through action, not words. The underlining principle is that social stigma dictates that much of what a man shouldn’t say, can be inferred from what he is willing to do. For some it is so intrinsic to who they are that having to actually say it out loud is almost insulting. Why say “I like spending time with you” when you can show it. Why say “I love you” when you can prove it.

This is also why when men hear about a problem their first instinct is to try to offer a solution. So that they can show they care by action. Because they have been trained that “action speaks louder than words.”

For this reason men are trained to communicate differently than women, emphasizing nonverbal communication over verbal communication. If there is any question about the extent of how much a man enjoys spending time with a woman, a man would often prefer it to be vocalized.

Due to these protocol of social interaction there are quite a few things on this list you are absolutely safe in assuming that a man is into you. But if you still have any question, it would be best seek clarity through vocalizing it. No amount of external analysis will compare to getting information directly from the source. If there is any question about whether he will be honest with you, just remind him that honesty is a form of respect (that him being honest with you implies that you can be trusted to handle that honesty).

Reminding a man that honesty is a sign of respect doesn’t guarantee a truthful answer. Men certainly communicate through their actions and women are better off basing their decisions on actions. Even if the man vocalizes something, it doesn’t mean anything if not followed by actions.

Hello. I have something to share. I met a guy yesterday around noon. Just for like 2.5 hours.

He paints something that is unique to our culture. I saw it online. So, we talked online and then I wanted to buy one of the the paintings. So, I went there. I take it as what it is, that is, I want to buy the painting – not initiating anything. Emotionally, I was and I am strictly on The One’s rule : )

So, he gave me his number (online). He said please call him (in case I couldn’t find him) because the internet line is slow at his work place (meaning he asked me not to use the online application to contact him). He mentioned it to me a few times to call him. But, I didn’t call. First, because I know how to get there. Second, because I wanted to see if he actually wants my number.

So, I managed to get there. we met. I looked at a few of his works and we talked, we laughed, he’s pretty friendly. It was our first (business) meeting.

He asked things about me including my status (if I’m single). I was being hesitant at first (making jokes like hey, take a guess), but later on I said ‘I’m no string attached.’ And he said, ‘Now that’s better. Easier for me to behave now – not making mistake if I already belong to someone’.

He took me to a drink at the nearby cafe [he paid : ) ]. He told me that he is single and available. He asked when he could meet me again. I said maybe I’ll come here (at his work place) again (I was being casual and strictly on business – looking/buying his paintings – not initiating anything/ making it easier for him – I want him to call me if he wants to go out with me).

After the drink, we went back to his gallery and I took the painting. I paid. We bid farewell. And I left.

And he did not text me until now (using the online application that we use to talk before this).

I’m sharing this because:

1. wow. look at this guy. Giving me his number, ask me to call him, and I didn’t call. And he did not contact me (yet? whatever.) : )

2. wow. look at me. how safe is my feeling? how safe it is to follow The One’s rule. (I hope I’m following your rule). : )

3. wow. how I couldn’t care less (but I care to share them on here) – how I’m having fun looking at his behavior / (uninterested?) guy’s behavior: )

The drink was because we need to wait for the painting to dry. He left it under the sun.

It was rather instantaneous (and I was thinking probably he was being courteous? for me going there buy the painting? whatever lols). He’s like “Let’s go get some drinks.” And I was just took my bag and followed him lols. And we were at the cafe (just downstairs) for not more than 30 mins. I was looking at the watch (because I really had to go for another appointment) and he was like kept talking and talking and I finally told him I really need to go. Suddenly he saw some stairs and and told me if I wanted to exit that way but then I told him, “I need to get the painting first”. And he was like “Oh yeah right..” lols (was he forgotten that I went there to buy the painting (not for the drink)? was he actually can’t wait for me to leave? whatever lols)

Anyway. If that broke the rule, I won’t repeat it again. Maybe I should’ve just waited for the painting to dry at the gallery. Or just avoid from saying yes for that kind of casual drinks situation.

**So funny this is like a dating class – how to handle a guy at first meeting

You did everything right! You accepted the invite to the cafe and made a point to keep it all business.

Most importantly, you didn’t agree to call him and invest your feelings in him. If he contacts you later and asks you out, then you will know he was not just flirting and actually has interest in you. If he never asks you out, then he disappeared after taking your money and was just being a salesman.

Having coffee/tea/drink with him wasn’t a date made in advance. He might have simply wanted to treat you well as a potential customer.

Yes, wow, look at you — you risked nothing and got what you wanted out of it — the painting — with ZERO regrets, knowing what to do!

The One..
There is a Guy who is in love he told me about his feelings he is a suitor a real young man but i declined his request because he is younger by 3 years and his Financial status is Not as Good as me …we are at the same work still after my rejection He is showing me day by day that He is a real man want to prove that to me every day…Am afraid to regret one day My refusal…Am thinking a lot by talking to him And Gave him a chance…Am Very Confused…i really like him but as a friend am afraid that am developing feelings to him..I know My text may be a bit confusing But Rarely I meet a guy who is Young and a real suitor..By The way i wrote to you from a long time that there was another guy who Asked me for Exclusive relation ship and he is gone because my sisters attitude didn’t like him and u told me that he maybe just isn’t up to the challenge…by the way he didnt talked to me till now…Need your advise and i really appreciate your articles and answers to every Question i love that blog it is always opened on my pc 🙂 God bless u..

Is three years really such a big deal if he is a grown man and of legal age? Some people mature faster than others. If his financial status is not as good, then that is something you must accept. He may not be able to change that down the road.

I’d love to help you with your situation. You can tell me a lot more! Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

These are all indicators of interest in normal men. They are also things manipulated by dishonest men for an end (sex), which really hurts women.

The advice then is sound that you should NOT let yourself get carried away if you are not being courted by a man doing these things. In fact, if I liked a girl, and did these things, I would be moving to a date or more commitment asap. If he’s not, THAT’S a red flag.

Ultimately though, what the ladies need to understand is this simple distinction – there are basically two kinds of men; exceptionally hot men who all the ladies (and probably you) want and the rest who most ladies are ambivalent to (perhaps girls should be more vocal about wanting good looking guys, so there are more of them). Very hot men are rare, and in high demand for a lot of their lives, so they usually don’t want to settle down except with exceptionally hot women. But they ARE willing to sleep with many more women than they are wlling to settle down with, and they whore themselves out terribly, while being very misleading about their commitment levels and breaking many women’s hearts.

The rest of the guys might not be as attractive or confident, generally because most guys are terribly overlooked by the vast majority of girls. But they are generally better relationship material, and you might find a good combination of hotness and commitment to your taste, depending on your own hotness and how much potential the guy has if you direct him a little.

The key to navigating all this succesfully is to determine what you want (short or long term?), how likely you are to get your first choice man to give you what you want (for a very hot guy, pretty likely for sex, usually not so likely for more) and how willing you are to compromise on your desires with the rest.

If you let only the best men get their claws into you, they will probably use you and you won’t get all your needs met in return (unless you just want sex). Youll also develop a taste for this highly experienced guy (after all, its easy to be suave with women when you have so much experience, but you might be surprised what a less hot guy can pick up in a short space of time) that will make it less satisfying to pick a compromise.

But as usual in life, it’s often all about the compromise. Don’t think you can trick a high value man who isn’t interested in settling down into doing that. It’s a fools errand that will usually end badly (soon if youre lucky, after a long time of cheating if youre not). Be smart about this, and don’t let bad men into your life – or at least not very often, or for very long.

And you all know how to spot the bad men. You just choose to overlook it cause they are so damn hot, hoping they will come round. They won’t.

I think what The One meant is that unless such ‘indicators’ are followed by an *actual* date, they are meaningless. Therefore the true indicator of a man’s interest is an actual date. More often than not, men behave this way and not all of them fail to ask a woman out for a date because they are ‘bad’. Sometimes they are not sure or someone else catches their fancy or simply want female attention or get scared. So I believe The One is 100% right about this. This is the only way women can look out for themselves.

I agree with your point about “hot men”. However, most women are not just after looks or hotness and in fact success and status count more for women than hotness per se. It is men who run after hot women all the time. That said, every person’s concept of hotness is a little different. Furthermore, there are plenty of ordinary men whom ordinary women would love to date. These ordinary men are sometimes no better than so called hot men in treating women. If you let a guy use you, he will–hot or not. That is why The One tells women to let the guy chase you because not guy (hot or otherwise) will make a significant investment unless he is truly serious. Of course there are no guarantees but it is a good rule of thumb. Besides taking things slow and working on self esteem can help women protect themselves and find other options if things don’t work out.

And no, not all hot men are bad and certainly many bad men aren’t even that hot. They just seem to be able to tell women what they want to hear and women who trust words more than actions or hope they can change a guy or have low self esteem fall for these guys and their BS.

Good points, its great to get another person’s perspective. I guess it must have meant “none of this matters if you aren’t getting a date” and that’s true – although sometimes the guy can be interested but as you say other things or doubts get in the way (often with themselves). Ultimately if you’ve chased him up once or twice and he’s not giving you dates, forget him.

At the end of the day these are all vague generalisations that we just have to make to protect ourselves, and I fully agree that women should be careful and clear about what they want because many men just won’t give it to them, no matter how promising they seem (sorry ladies). Then again, so should guys.

Unfortunately, this most important area in people’s lives is just so darn difficult in western countries for some reason (maybe all countries?). People seem to justify bad behaviour to themselves easily and everybody is worse off for it. If only things were better.

I should mention, however, that often good men get screwed even worse. Oh how badly I have seen good men treated.

Yes, you are right about good men being treated badly by women…I have seen that too. I feel it makes it unnecessarily difficult for good women too because then they have to deal with the repercussions of the damage done to these good men who either give up or become nasty/mistrustful. Either sex can be ruthless in the treatment of the other for their own benefit. It is so sad, really and it goes both ways. It is just that this particular site caters to women so that’s what we talk about primarily.
In my culture, dating is prevalent but it is not the norm like arranged marriages. But the downside is that you never really get to fall in love and choose your own partner as the decision is not entirely yours or made for practical reasons such as income, status, security. While most people to learn to love their spouses and have happy stable marriages some of them are not so lucky. Problems between men and women and mistreatment of the other continue to exist and divorce is often not a viable option. How sad is that?
In western countries, as difficult as dating may seem, it does provide the opportunity to truly know oneself, one’s likes and dislikes and really fall in love and choose one’s own partner and have a truly equal/satisfying relationship. The key is to make wise decisions and really put in the hard work. Too bad none of this is taught in schools or any university or by parents while there are degree programs for virtually everything else. That is why we need people like The One.

That’s true, and yet men today are not treated as equally worthy prizes. They are very often used, double crossed or hurt. Ironically, the more so the more ‘good’ they are. Much more often than women, I would say – except for a very small top cross section of highly desirable men.

And then the irony is that many women who behaved so poorly early in their lives change their tune and want to pretend they are nice, good people later in life to attract a ‘nice’ husband – often one who they aren’t actually attracted to, so that there’s a good chance the marriage will become loveless and fail.

The point is that one has to learn to moderate and accustom themselves to the right things. There’s a reason we deny ourselves pleasures – they can be addictive, and corrupting. By all means, enjoy some years of no strings with highly attractive men, if you can. But don’t corrupt yourself and your ability to appreciate a better kind of man in the process. It will hurt you in the long run.

As for men, they have more time, women need to realise that. And if good, ‘nerdy’ men don’t get female attention in their early 20’s, by the time they come into their own in their late 20’s they probably won’t want to settle down – whereas a woman who has had her promiscuous phase in the early 20’s probably will want to start settling down by her 30’s (due to children). So if women’s behaviour overall (choosing only very highly attractive men) is pushing most men into low grade celibacy early in life, it also pushes them into promiscuity and lack of commitment later in life. Women end up harming themselves, in other words.

Now I don’t suggest some kind of utopia where ugly awkward men are included just because, but then again, I do think if more women gave such guys with potential a chance they would quickly no longer be ugly awkward guys and might satisfy that woman. Perhaps in a broader sense it would be better if men were better taught how to be attractive to women.

But regardless, it is what it is and women need to be smart about this. Try and get your life partner sorted earlier, rather than later, and try to be accepting and realistic and ready to work on it. Because if men get more options in their 30’s, you will have fewer. And so effectively, whereas your ideal man at 25 might be a couple of years older than you if you choose to settle then, by the time you are 30 you might have to start looking at men 35+. Do you want that? Wouldn’t you rather a younger life partner too? Then choose him when you’re 20-25, and you are still at your most precious. In return, assuming you picked a good man, when he enters his prime in his 30’s, you’ll have this hunk all to yourself. Good men are generally committed, particlarly if they committed to you early in life – before they realise they could date way below their age.

I stand by on everything I wrote about False Indicators. Women need PROOF of interest in order to invest her emotions and time. The False Indicators are not proof, for if they were and convincingly so, tons of women wouldn’t be writing to me, asking me if a man is interested.

Take two men: One of them is doing everything flirty except asking a woman out. The other one does nothing BUT ask her out. Which one is interested in her? Which one is a time-waster?

Hi J, i think what the one is trying to say is that many men out there, do show us interest in women by showing all of these sign but never ask the women out. What does this man actually do when they really like a woman, of course he will ask her out! But there are many men who just chat with woman all the time, calling women all the time, teasing women, wooing woman, but don’t ask a woman out. The One is just tying to say don’t put hope in these kind of men. Because unless the men asking you out, you just have to accept that the guy never ask you out. And it means he doesnt want to go with you to the next step. I don’t doubt that all of the indicators above could be sign of interests from men, however if he never asked you out, then what’s the point? Don’t put hope in these kind of men . It,s not hypothetical scenario, it’s the truth.

Let’s look at your example and accept that the one flirting but not asking out is a timewaster, and the one asking out is clearly not. I agree with you that women should realise that they stand on much better ground with man 2 than man 1.

But the trouble is, women so often do not choose man 2. Often because man 1 is more likely (making lots of assumptions here) to be attractive and hence less committed. But often, even if they are equally attractive, there is something about an easy prize that just puts women off the easy option of man 2. It’s unfortunately often necessary for a man to ‘game’ (I don’t mean in a PUA sense, but in a ‘I may or may not be interested in you’ sense) a woman to keep her interested, and this is why men might not just be escalating directly to asking her out or dating – even if they want to. To a degree, the same goes for men, I might add, but then women hardly ever just throw themselves at men. So it is far more a problem for men.

So while you are absolutely right to say a man who isn’t escalating commitment is not likely to want to commit, I think it fails to highlight to the ladies that sometimes, the problem is not HIM and what HE does but what YOU do and how interested YOU become when HE does something. If you respond poorly to a man who escalates commitment in a rapid to normal manner, and keep pining for a man who is emotionally uninvested, and worse, if you do this simply because they have done this, and not because you like one or the other more as a person, you are actually setting yourself up for failure – because every time a man gives you these signs and fails to commit you will commit, and every time he starts to back up these signs with commitment you will avoid commitment. The result will be totally unnecessary pain for both of you.

Basically I am trying to say that these things are all true, but often girls need to realise that they need to look deeper within to see why things aren’t working out – and the same goes for men actually. And often there are deep, counter-intuitive lessons that need to be learnt – like the fact that your ‘gina tingles’ are not actually always an inherent property of the man, but a carefully constructed situation. You may need to learn to look deeper at a man, and not be repulsed so easily if he shows ‘neediness’. It’s just like how men need to learn to overlook beauty to make sure the person underneath is worthwhile.

Recognising that signs of interest without escalation is not commitment is a start. Recognising that you often prefer the chase to the catch, and that you may need to wean yourself off that addiction, THAT is much bigger step forward.

Thanks again. I respected your advice and changed congregations to clear my mind. I did not see this man for over a month until i saw him at a function where he assigned to be an attendant.

He saw me first. i only noticed him because he was standing in an arrogantly stance with one hand in his hip pants pocket with his jacket pushed back, and his other arm leaning on a balcony. He was staring directly at me, not smiling, but with a very flirtatious look in his eyes.

This surprised me because I had never saw him look at me this way before.He seemed like a different person. Before, he would stare at me and whenever our eyes met, he would look away shyly and back. This time he continued to stare with an intense unwavering look, even when I looked away. I did not feel flattered or intrigued by his behavior, only annoyed, insulted, and stupid.

I felt insulted because his behavior was inappropriate and disrespectful to the spiritual occasion, to the speaker who was giving a heartfelt address and to me. He must think little of me to think that I would fall for him staring at me like that. Particularly, when he could easily had called me if he was at all interested.(several months ago, I sent him cards when it was announced that both of his parents were seriously ill, he never acknowledged them and when I asked if he had received them, he seemed irritated that those were the only correspondences that he had received fro me).

I realized that though he is in his 60s, a “religious ” man, and both men and women look up to him and call him a “nice” guy, he is a selfish, immature, egotistical manipulator, who takes delight in playing with the emotions of women. He was only playing a somewhat different game with me than I see him do with other women.

Later, when everything was over, i saw him trying to get my attention again by walking near me. I ignored him. When he saw that I was going to look his way, he angrily turned around and had his back to me. Then he disappeared from his post. The other attendants were still there performing their duties. He was the only one who had left.

I have learned from your advice, column, and this experience and hope I can pass on and be accepted is that many of the false indicators of a man’s interest is what often we women are often taught. are the ways men react who are interested us. Other women will, with good intentions, give the same insight.

Too often, women don’t know any men who will give us sound advice when it comes to dating and understanding men and just as often there are only a few places even in books or the web, we can go. To, this is one of the reasons I am thankful for this sight and the no-nonsense and very accurate and progressive way to look at ourselves, men, dating, and relationships.

Thanks for the update. Wow, assuming you’d be so flattered that you’d approach him just is the height of arrogance. It’s great that you recognize you deserve much more and better and he is not worth your attention. Glad you will spread the word so more women will find the relationship that prizes them!

I’ve never been in an exclusive relationship ever but I had encounters with men. I can say that all your grounds for false indicators of a man’s interest, holds true. As I said, I’ve had my fair share of things with guys but I never had an exclusive relationship. Mainly because all those men who came into my life didn’t pursue me to the point of courting and asking me for a legit date.
But despite the lack of effort, I still think they’re interested in me coz
– he’s constantly communicating to me (texting, calling, chatting)
– buys me drink
– asks for me to hang
Those men I met who’d show interest were attractive by women’s standards
(looks + personality + passion/profession/successful + fit) and so I idealize them and don’t want to let them go even though they were the type of men who’ll just play the field and never settle.

Before, I was so naive that I always think that every guy who shows interest in me (get in touch) will be the “The One.” But I’m wrong… since that simple wishful thinking slowly becomes idealising (when I realise what a catch they are) which is not a good thing since it is unbecoming of a prize catch coz when you idealize someone, you develop feelings for the person which is a pitfall that I should avoid esp when I’m unsure of the guy coz it will certainly lead to disappointment and getting hung up later on.

I was willing to settle all this time and so I was having this wrong perspective of every guy I get romantically involve with as ‘The One.’ None of this would have had happened if I met a guy who is persistent in trying to win me over. My hastiness and willingness to be in a relationship made me settle for what I clearly don’t deserve. (Such as being taken for granted, not being courted, easy breezy)

Now I’m already aware of the fact that
IF A GUY IS GENUINELY INTERESTED IN YOU, HE’LL
– ULTIMATELY, ASK U OUT -NOT JUST TEXT. NEVER PUTTING YOU IN AN ANXIOUS STATE WHILE U ANTICIPATE HIS CALLS/TEXTS
– PURSUE YOU NO MATTER WHAT OBSTACLE HE’LL COME ACROSS

Now that I’m enlightened. Never did I resent all the silliness I did, for I have learned a valuable lessons that will guide me with my future relationships.

I’m just living my life at the moment. Focusing my attention to my studies while being the best self that I can possibly be. And silently hope that the right guy will come along…armed with the courage and determination to win me over. Although there’s this part of me that wants to jump into a relationship already…. but there’s a huge part of me saying that I deserve only the best and I choose to listen to that coz I believe it. And I’m working on my inner ‘PRIZE CATCH’

Here’s a list of things I wouldn’t do anymore:
– Idealize him (think what a great catch he is)
– Settle for anything less so as not to ‘LOSE HIM’
– Entertain romantic thoughts, unless he is a SUITOR (asks me out on ‘DATES’)

I realize that when you learn to love yourself, you become aware of your self-worth and so you’ll know what you DESERVE and therefore not settle for anything less

But there’s this last thing I don’t know…and its bothering me.
l can’t help but think that my personality/aura is someone who is perceived to be a player because I look like one (always look put together and dress sexy) and I always hang out in bars and I have vices.
Do you think this is pushing potential SUITORS away by thinking I’m not someone who is capable of a serious relationship? Thanks!

I hope you don’t mind with my question. Actually I never wanted to ask you about this because I did not bother about it at all – maybe because I’ve already started to learn, getting familiar with your lessons of being a prize catch? —> don’t revolve your life around a guy, right?

Okay. Here’s my question. What it means when a guy carry your (his gf) picture (passport-sized) in his wallet?

I thought it was sweet but then when I’m thinking that he’s still flirting with other girls, it’s kind of weird?

It is nice your boyfriend carries your picture in his wallet. Why would that be a problem?

Flirting with other girls is the problem, not carrying your picture in his wallet. You have to confront him about that. Just say, “When you flirt with other girls, I feel disrespected as your girlfriend. If you don’t stop doing it, I won’t be able to see you anymore.”

Hi, The One. Thank you for your reply. I need to let you know that he is not my bf. But, he is one of my friends. I just saw the picture when he opened the wallet. And yet, he’s still flirting, in fact going out with other girls. My question was, does it even mean anything when a guy carries his gf’s pix in he’s wallet? – Does it mean he’s deeply in love with her? Does it mean they are in a serious relationship? And why is he acting like he’s single? I never say/ask anything to him because I don’t want to interfere with his private life. However, it makes me curious (as a woman) and I appreciate if you could give your opinion again.

I asked him once about the picture only and he said that she is her gf. And that is all that I asked. I never asked any further questions. Okay. Whatever that means to him. Thanks again for your reply. Love your blog!

I read your advice to Sheena in ‘Do All Men Pursue?’ And you said that these men have no control over themselves nor do they respect their existing relationships. Yes. He is in a long distance relationship too. Funny how men can act this way (pursuing other girls), while they are actually already have a gf.

It sounds to me Nina like you are interested in him and wondering whether his bond with his gf is too strong for you to break. I think you know the answer, and you don’t like it. But its the answer nonetheless.

Step back for a moment and stop being selfish (if that is what you are being). It is wrong for you to try to break such a bond, and it may happen to you (particularly if he shows hes the kind of guy to let it happen). Second, he already has shown you he is not a trustworthy kind of guy if he has a gf and flirts with other women very strongly. You should not want him, he will be trouble. Thirdly, it is immoral and you should not be allowing yourself to be so loose with your principles.

You should be better than that. At most, you could make clear you are interested but would never consider a taken man – and if he wants you, he’ll have to get things straight in his head first.

I believe Nina was just curious about why a guy in general, not him specifically, would flirt with women when he already has a girlfriend. I seriously doubt she is being selfish and loose so as to try to break them up and have him for herself.

While you have made some good points in your other posts, I really do think you are misinterpreting a lot of what is being said on this blog. When you jump into conclusions and make unfounded accusations, it isn’t conducive to what this blog is about, which is to allow women to share their intimate lives in order to receive help for their particular situation.

I am all for a variety of opinions, including those from men and those that disagree with my advice. But please offer your advice without making false assumptions and accusations.

Hi. Thank you for your comment. Wow. Me? No. Men with girlfriends already, really turn me off. I don’t want them even if they are as cute or rich (maybe I’m stupid? but really no thanks) as the celebrities. And I don’t want them even if they are given to me for free. I would puke thinking that there is this other woman that they are romancing with while having me around. yuck.

The guy is my colleague. We don’t really share every little details of our dating stories but we do talk/chat about it. I never saw the picture in the wallet until one day. All that I knew was, he’s been going out with different girls. So, I thought he’s single and maybe looking for a relationship.

Then, I don’t know why, he, one day, put the picture of this gal in the wallet. So, I asked him. And that’s all I asked (please read my post above). FYI, he’s still going out with different girls (as if he’s in the dating game?). And I’m not sure if the picture is still there (do I need to take a peek?)

And I wonder, (if it was me) how much does it hurt to have my picture in the wallet and yet my bf is acting like this? Yes, The One got it right —> my question is why a guy in general acting like this. Because as a woman, I’m feeling it (sad, hurt). At first I thought it was cute. But then, it’s weird.

What I was trying to say is, what does love mean to a guy when they put the picture of their gf in the wallet? It looks serious to me but why is he not acting like one? Did I mention he’s in a long distance relationship? Probably that would be a reason? Whatever. Then I asked The One – yes, trying to solicit what a relationship means to a man (especially in this case).

[I also need to tell you, men in the same company with me never really interest me. We meet every day, thus the romantic feeling, for me, almost never there.]

In this coincidence, I have a story to tell about a TAKEN MAN who chased me. He even bought me a gold ring? I was shocked. He’s married with FIVE kids. It was last year. I’ve never responded to him other than saying ‘thank you’. In fact, I avoid him as much as I could since then. For some reason, I felt that he ‘betrayed’ our at-work friendship/relationship –. We met while involved in a project for a short while (he’s in a different company). It could be that he thought I would take him as he is quite loaded/ capable financially? Whatever the reason is.

Okay. That’s what it is. Nina is happy doing a lot of different things and meeting different people. She’s is not interested with taken men. Thank you, The One! Again, your blog is a much needed one for us women!

I disagree with this article and I don’t like it. It causes a women to distrust anything a man does to indicate interest in a woman. According to the logic of this article, the only way a man can legitimately demonstrate his interest in her to say “I want to marry you” right off the bat (which would scare most, if not all, women away) because any other indicator of interest is not trustworthy.

The proof of interest of a man asking a woman out doesn’t necessariy mean he is interested in her. He could also be interested in her for the wrong reasons. Your article refuses to allow for the possiblity that a man who does the things that you listed are actual sincere and legitmate indictators of interests. By not considering that as a possibilit, your article causes a women to distrust anything a man does to indicate interest in a woman.

Dear Wright
Perhaps this is how you act towards a woman you are into. Good on you for being honourable. But some less honest men DO flirt and act in the ways above (even when, they are MARRIED). I recently experienced behaviour listed above from a man whom I later found out is …… Married. I did not even notice him….it was he, who piqued my interest.
So, it was extremely disappointing to find out later that, he is in fact married and simply flirting to stroke his ego. At least, that’s what I will assume. It’s irrelevant why he flirted with me or wanted to take me on a date. Since, he was being dishonest all the time. Some men do the above just for fun, an ego boost or who knows why?
So, the above article is not as harsh as you may think it is. Perhaps you are an honest man, who would only flirt when, single and truly interested in a woman. I commend you for that. But not all men are as straight forward as that. So this advice is not damaging or harsh,
Basic fact is that, if a man is interested in you. He will come to you. If you chase him and he is truly interested then, he’ll pick up from there. But if he is not interested then a woman will be left chasing time and time again. Actions speak louder than words! Always.

I understand this is because you are a woman, and there is nothing wrong with that I love women! We (author and I) both know that the majority of what you write is harmful to male-female relationships and people’s lives. Clearly you were treated very harshly and wrongly by a loser who didnt know how to treat a woman….However, it is very irresponsible and in my opinion it is outright criminal, to poison the minds of so many people who are so desperately trying to just find someone that voluntarily sees a reason to want to spend time with them. Let your pain go or heal in a way that does not involve such incredibly incorrect statements under a veil of advice.

If a guy needs a girl to chase him, he’s definitely not the guy for me. He’s likely just trying to get his ego (and other things) stroked and having desperate women claw to him makes him feel better about himself. Or, he is scared of rejection. Neither scenario is good.

Hi The One, first of all, let me state that i have never been in a relationship before but i must say ur blog offers excellent advice to all ladies out there! Applause for ur forthright and honest advice! Reason why i feel ur posts are so true is because i have seen how so many ladies out there are pursuing their suitors only to be dumped by them. On the other hand, i also see how some ladies are regarded as trophy by their bf or spouse because they were
being chased and courted, albeit few. Am looking forward to more articles from u now. Cheers!

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