Those Dirty Socks

Don't over analyze your marriage.

“When couples experience these big challenges (job loss or sickness in the family), they actually come together and support one another,” says Terri Orbuch, as psychologist and research professor at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, who is the director of the Early Years of Marriage Project, one of the longest-running studies of married couples in the country. “Instead, it’s the seemingly small things that pull them apart.”

This piece of information was quoted in Elizabeth Bernstein’s recent Wall Street Journal piece, “Honey, Do You Have to…?” According to Ms. Bernstein, we should definitely sweat the small stuff.

While it’s hard to be empathetic to the woman who didn’t like the way her husband buttered English muffins (puhlease!), I understand why women (and sometimes men) get frustrated about dirty socks on the floor, untucked sheets on the bed and that ubiquitous toilet seat. I just think they’re making a mistake.

Wait. Hear me out before you start yelling.

Are we frustrated because some of these things mean extra work for us? Yes, but it is frequently totally without perspective. I, like one of the women in the piece, find myself getting annoyed every time my husband puts his coffee cup in the sink instead of the adjacent dishwasher. How much time does it take me to put it there instead? A few extra seconds – maybe. The negative thoughts definitely occupy more time and space. Is it really worth adding even one drop of tension to my marriage over a dirty cup?

Does it really mean that your spouse isn't listening to you?

But, you will argue, it’s not the coffee cup; it’s what the coffee cup means (cue dramatic music). It means he’s not listening to me. It means my wishes aren’t important to him.

Does it really? If it’s true that when you are discussing big questions like where to send your children to school or how you can fully achieve your work and personal potential, your husband is non-responsive, then I agree, it’s a serious concern. If he shows no interest in your life or your goals or those you have for the children, your marriage may benefit from professional intervention.

But if he’s there for you on the important issues but awol on the dirty socks, maybe something else is going on. Maybe it’s not about you or your marriage.

For some people, how nice the towels look neatly folded in the bathroom is completely irrelevant. Towels are functional -- they dry hands and other wet body parts. It’s not that your spouse didn’t hear your words; it’s just that they were spoken in a foreign language. It’s not a way of looking at the world that he understands.

But he could learn, you counter.

It’s certainly possible that with enough effort and enough reinforcement (either negative in the form of screaming or positive in the form of praise), you’ll get those towels straightened out. But it seems a high price in time and effort.

Let the small stuff go. Things are not always symbolic. Sometimes a dirty sock is just a dirty sock (or something like that). We don’t need to over analyze or over invest in small actions or omissions.

Based on the studies read and the interviews conducted, Ms. Bernstein concludes that we need to sweat the small stuff. After all, it impacted all the marriages described in a negative fashion.

But perhaps she has drawn the wrong conclusion. Perhaps if these women hadn’t allowed themselves to “go there,” perhaps if they hadn’t sweated the small stuff to begin with, their marriages would have survived intact -- maybe even healthier and happier. There’s small stuff in every relationship we have in life. The wisdom and growth lies in knowing when to just let it go.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 15

(15)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2010 4:51 PM

Be happy with what you have.

There is dog doo in my back yard. I scoop it up with joy because it means I have a dog. How cool is that? If I had a loving husbands dirty socks to pick around the house I would consider myself blessed.

(14)
Nancy,
May 6, 2010 9:33 PM

What do you call fair?

When the wife is doing 90% of the tasks around the house, and the husband lets her without offering to help, is it really fair for that situation to continue without the wife saying something to him about it?

(13)
Anonymous,
May 6, 2010 2:07 AM

whhhhaaattt????

im confused. i thought the article was brilliant. but it seems to have hit a nerve in many women's hearts. marriage is about two people learning to live together, not one person creating a clone of herself/himself and then living with it peacefully. thats easy. marriage is a challenge in which we have to learn how to live with a DIFFERENT person. and those rewards are incredibly greater than just a peaceful relationship. thats passion. thats love.

(12)
Anonymous,
May 6, 2010 1:53 AM

Language problem

To #4 - anonymous. Your husband likely has a language problem that has plagued him since childhood and he can't make the fine distinctions that you do with respect to double negatives and incorrect verb tenses. It's unlikely to change at this point - the patterns are too ingrained.

(11)
,
May 6, 2010 12:10 AM

Yael wrote: If I find that the issue is really important, then I'll speak to him about it. Susan E, you said you'd "get rid of him?" Is that a husband you're talking about, or a disobedient puppy?""" ____ Oh I'm not talking about a puppy. The puppy can't help wetting the floor and it will never be able to clean up after itself, it's a dog. . I'm talking about a grown man who won't clean up after himself. It is a disrespect to himself and to his wife. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John wrote:"" Smearing peanut butter on a windshield? Where are we? Preschool or kindergarden? Remember the persons you thought was the most wonderful person in the world? Go ahed, smear the peanut butter, then think, how am I going to feel about thet if he were to die on the freeway on his way to work. """ ----------------------- Ahh ...die from p-nut butter? OK John one could put it on his dashboard instead. We are neither in preschool or kindergarten. That is the point. The man is an adult acting like a child with dirty socks and not cleaning up after himself. The peanut butter is responding to him in kind.

(10)
miriam w. cohen,
May 5, 2010 5:25 PM

not true

all of the stuff of life goes into a marriage, the small stuff and the large stuff. If your marriage is a long one, such as mine, 52 years and still going, there are many, many adjustments to make, and then should one of you fail, or need help, you have to learn to manage as best you can. And those habits annoy more than ever, because as you get older it is harder to change, and change you must in old age.
So keep on talking, give advice, both partners need to read the advice and perhaps it will help for a bit. Nice blog, it helps to read this.

(9)
Andy,
May 5, 2010 3:19 PM

will stated :re comment number 1 i'll bet she's single or soon will be

The author states it well. I agree. Pick battles over what is truly significant. Maybe I'm being too hard on number 1 as much of what she says has more than a ring of truth. She seems a true "ezer ke negdo."While not an easy marriage and I for certain wouldn't choose it I suspect that if one works it thru and does not commit murder there is potential for max growth with a woman like that . I am reminded of a quote attributed to the Kotsker Rebbe who when it was suggested by a colleague to that he perhaps be less extreme and that Rambam advises the middle path he is said to have replied "the the middle path is for horses"

(8)
Shaul,
May 5, 2010 2:24 PM

Interesting - with us it's almost the other way around

With us it's almost the other way around. I often get irritated when I see my wife, or her children from her first marriage, leaving everything right where they used it, such as a siddur or bentscher on the table, or dirty dishes or leftovers wherever they happened to eat. I tried to get her - lovingly - to be more orderly, but now I find I have to accept things as is, and to love her just the way she is.
As the verse says (Prov. 10:12) "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions". The Midrash (Bamidbar Rabba Naso 9) likewise counsels a man to be lenient at home in mundane matters, such as if his wine or oil is spilled or his clothes are torn.
But even if one's wife is disorderly, one should still be considerate of her desires, such as not to walk on the floor just after she washed it, even if your shoes are clean, and even if you clean up more than she does.
As one wise woman once told me - marriage is giving and giving and more giving. If a man shows his wife by his words and actions that he loves her as she is and that she is the most important thing in his life, and if he devotes himself to her without expecting a reward, then she will love him in return and more than repay him.
Try it!!

(7)
Kathryn,
May 5, 2010 1:40 PM

One more thought...

While I agree with the author about keeping things in perspective, there is the matter of frequency/intensity. Yes, my spouse may listen to me about where to send the children to college, but how often, after all, does that come up? On the other hand, beard hair in the sink, sockes on the floor, etc. can be a daily encounter.
If I as you to stretch out your arms shoulder high and hold a brick in each hand, you can do it for a time. Bur eventually everything gets very tired, then painful. I think this applies here.
And while we're talking about it, how are we raising our sons? Who's picking up their socks? How do we get husbands who act as if their mommies live here?!

(6)
Yael,
May 5, 2010 3:40 AM

The Small Stuff Can Add Up- So Focus on the Good

Thank you, Emunah, for your article. I felt the need to respond to Susan's post. Thanks God, I happen to be married to a wonderful man who shows me in many ways that I am important to him. Does that mean that I don't get annoyed when he leaves his beard hair in the sink and a lot of other little things? Of course I do- but, then again, I know there are a lot of little things that I do that annoy him as well. I can tell when I've done something to annoy him and he's holding back from saying something. Our relationship is not great because we never mess up, but because we try to be understanding of each other's shortcomings. We both try to focus on all of the many wonderful things that we do for each other. Whenever I get annoyed, I try to hold back from commenting until I've had time to think about it. Most of the time, after waiting a while, I find that I'm not so annoyed anymore. If I find that the issue is really important, then I'll speak to him about it. Susan E, you said you'd "get rid of him?" Is that a husband you're talking about, or a disobedient puppy?

(5)
Leora,
May 5, 2010 3:33 AM

Another theory.....

The socks/towels/etc. just seem to stick out more, somehow, when a wife is generally feeling neglected and unappreciated by her husband. When she's feeling loved, she still notices the socks and the rumpled towel, but if the man does his part to keep her feeling cherished, those things won't bring her down--her heart will be light and happy. Sure, women should lay off and not be nags in ANY case, but the solution--the real, satisfying, long-term solution--is for men to realize how important it is to tend to their marriages. I think. :)

(4)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2010 6:15 PM

Based on the above response, I have concluded that either my husban does not care about me, or he is just plain stupid. He was born and educated in the US. For twenty years I have been tryng to teach him how to speak correct English. He constantly uses doube negatives and incorrect verb tenses. I have tried to expllain to him,that the way a person speaks reveals their intelligence, but it has made no impact on him. This frustrates me to no end,

(3)
Christopher,
May 4, 2010 4:08 PM

It's all in your attitude

You could look at the small irritating things in life like the dirty cup or socks on the floor as a speed bump to remind you to slow down and be grateful that you even have a mate. Each one of those things is like a grain of sand and you can just sweep it up and get rid of it or you can save them and build a wall of separation between you until it ends your marriage.
Men are simple creatures that can be trained easier than the family dog but, they don't pay attention to nagging or whining. They respond well to appreciation, admiration and respect. If you can train yourself to make him feel those three things than you can train him to do new tricks like pick up his socks too.
http://www.back2gether.com/2010/01/16/your-marriage-starts-with-you/

(2)
John,
May 4, 2010 3:42 PM

one-upmanship or marriage?

Smearing peanut butter on a windshield? Where are we? Preschool or kindergarden? Remember the persons you thought was the most wonderful person in the world? Go ahed, smear the peanut butter, then think, how am I going to feel about thet if he were to die on the freeway on his way to work. Don't mess with your husband's safety.
How would it be for husband to respond by messing up something you consider vital or personal?

(1)
SusanE,
May 2, 2010 4:18 PM

The Small Stuff is Certainly the Big Stuff in Marriage.

It isn't about the towel on the floor, or the dirty socks. Or the toast crumbs or hair in the sink. If one continually find fault with her husband about these things its about her. More to the point its about her wanting to nit pick at him, cause if she's not happy by darn he's not going to be happy either. This seems to be the way of life for 30 to 50 year olds I know. (truth is they don't have a deep affection for each other) -- - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - -If you want your partner to realize the importance of dry towels and clean sinks and scumless showers to you. Find what object is impoirtant to him and that he cares for. Could be his tools, could be his car, could be his clothes or favorite books. Take one thing, the car for instance and smear a tablespoon of peanut butter on the windshield every morning. If he complains simply answer "Well, you are going to wash it this evening anyway, so what is the big deal?" Guaranteed he will understand how important a clean bathroom is to you. - - - - - - - - A indifferent attitude toward these 'small things' by a man is saying " I really don't care about you that much" each time he throws his towel on the floor. . If after the peanut butter thing, he refuses to acknowlegde your concerns, get rid of him.
What I have found that gets to the point