You’re always telling your mother you owe her. Now, the American Coalition for Labor Reparations has a worksheet you can use to calculate exactly how much back pay Mom deserves.

Here’s the logic: “Every laborer deserves a wage. Your mother went into labor for you and has never been repaid.”

We should mention that the coalition doesn’t exist for most of the year – it’s a gag dreamed up by ad agency Mother New York. There’s even a faux PSA video featuring a crew of mothers – some describing pretty graphic scenarios.

In a way, the reparations form they’ve created makes a sick sort of sense.

First, you enter your birth year and the number of hours your mother struggled in labor. C-section births get a flat rate. That’s the base fee.

Then, children enter other charges and deductions, including the number of drinks Mom couldn’t enjoy during nine months of sobriety. More punctual births owe less; offspring who call on Mother’s Day get to deduct 80% of their charges.

Ikea cafeterias will serve mothers a free breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, potatoes and coffee. Not that it’s normally an expensive meal – non-moms can get it for $1.74. Mothers dining at McCormick & Schmicks will get complimentary truffles; they’ll get a free “Simply Fresh” cookbook at Ruby Tuesday and a frozen yogurt gratis at TCBY.