Group Therapy: It Bothers Me That My Boyfriend Watches Porn

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and we have a good relationship. There is just one aspect that bothers me. We are a young couple, me in my 20s and he in his early 30s. We usually have sex three times a week. For the past week or so, we haven't had sex and I know that he has masturbated to porn.

We use condoms and we are now out of them. My boyfriend does not want me to take oral contraceptives and usually he is the one who purchases condoms. This time he hasn't bought any. He seems loving and wants to be close to me at home, so nothing unusual. I just don't understand why he would rather be treating himself to porn than having sex with me, and why he hasn't bought any condoms?

I don't know if I should talk to him about it or should I wait? It bothers me to think that my boyfriend would prefer porn to sex with me. I would appreciate any advice or suggestions on what I should do.

I am not sure I have ever known a man who would rather use a condom over the pill or any of the many other birth control methods out there. I think I would have him checked for VD of some type.
Give the man another week or so to see if there is a change in his actions, if not, either talk to him, but do not demand! That will put him in an extremely defensive position and I would think your relationship will come crashing down around you. I wish you much luck and much love.

The idea that masturbation is bad has been pretty prevalent for a long, long time, in most of the world's oldest religions, so it's understandable that you'd be fooled by all that.
It's so limiting to think of coupled sex as the be-all-end-all of sexuality, to treat it as if it's the only sexual thing that's allowed to exist. Masturbation is not some dirty shameful thing that people only resort to when they can't get coupled sex. It's simply a different kind of sex, not better or worse. One is not meant to replace the other. You should give it a try, it's much healthier than fretting that someone's not having sex with you.
There are couples who masturbate together when they're not masturbating alone.
Even couples need alone time. It's no different when it comes to sex. You can't be expected to fulfill someone else's needs absolutely all of the time, and nobody else can do that for you, either. Sometimes you do need to do it yourself.
BTW, if you want to go on the pill or use any other form of birth-control. Do. Using more than one form of birth-control is a great way to be doubly safe as long as there are no conflicts between the two forms. Pills and condoms are okay in combination.

I'm a girl and I've been watching porn since I was like 13. I too am visual. My bf and I both watch porn when we're away from each other, but when I'm with him he'd much rather do the real thing so I can understand the original poster's concern with her boyfriend preferring porn over her. But like I said she should investigate the genres he watches to perhaps fulfill his fantasies, which he may feel are too freaky or non-conservative for her. I may be wrong. She may already be a freak in bed, and if that's the case, the guy's an idiot!

Boys watch porn. Simple as that. They're more visual than us girls. Most of us girls get excited about things with more of an emotional connection, whereas dudes usually need to "see" things.
Don't take his porn watching to heart. It's hard...especially when the girls in porn have bodies like...well, pornstars.
You do need to take the reins and tell him what you need. Go buy condoms yourself! That'll show him that you're serious about needing sexual attention on the regular.
And honestly, I agree with the other ladies here: He's controlling!! Birth control is here for a reason!!!! If you want to take it, by all means honey, take it!

I agree with most people here in saying that you might be overreacting a little bit. But you know what, that's okay. It is understandable to feel anxious about someone you care about deeply. Acknowledge how you are feeling right now, because it will help you, and him, move past situations like this in the future.
I also agree with the birth-control issue. This is the twenty-first century, and women are no longer restricted by the social stigmas that say that we have to let the man decide what we do with our bodies. That also means that you can't let him do all the work. You have just as much right, and responsibility, to make decisions about birth control. Go get some! Going on the pill AND using condoms is recommended, although the pill does affect every woman differently, and some can not handle the side-effects. Talk to your doctor about birth control that's right for you as an individual, and as a couple. But at least make sure that there are condoms available. You BOTH share this responsibility.
Another thing that you need to understand, that has been mentioned before, is that most men use porn no matter what their relationship is like. Single men use porn, committed men use porn, happy and unhappy men use porn. It is not a reflection of you, or his opinions of your sexual performance. He might be perfectly satisfied sexually and still want to use porn. For many guys it is a way to blow off a little steam (no pun intended) and de-stress. You may have a hot bath and watch "The Notebook," he may grab a Maxim and some lotion. For some guys, it is a way to explore sexual ideas or fantasies that they are not comfortable (or would never dream of) speaking to you about yet. Some couples watch porn together, actually (look for girl-friendly content), and enjoy it.
And like EvieJ and BiWife said earlier, you can't assume that his not initiating anything this week has anything to do with you. A lot of things can cause libido to drop. And if that isn't the case (and if he's been using porn as often as you think, his libido is probably fine), stress is probably a key factor. When women are stressed or upset, we often seek out others for comfort. This is how we have been conditioned since childhood. It's "okay" for women to express emotional distress. Men have been taught to deal with it themselves, and retreat into a shell until it's all better, because they have to be "strong". So if he's keeping to himself, maybe he does not understand that he CAN go to you if there is a mental or sexual issue.
Just remember that while it is understandable to be worried, it isn't okay to get mad if he hasn't actually done anything wrong. Although we are in a feminist-oriented movement lately, it is not appropriate to blame the guy for everything that goes wrong in a relationship. Saying "typical guy", and so forth only promotes sexism, which is what we are trying to avoid in the first place.
Try being there for him. If there's any way you can help him with some of his responsibilities (chores, work you can help with, etc), pick up the slack for a few days. Sometimes a little help does the trick. Watch one of his fave movies with him. And mention that he has seemed a little stressed lately. As long as you don't run in waving a red flag and saying "Why are you so stressed? Why haven't we had sex? What's with the porn? Are you okay?", then he will likely open up to you. You may be surprised to find out that you can help him with his problem quite easily.
But don't forget to tell him what YOU need too, both emotionally and sexually.

first of all I totally get the condoms over birth control use, although it should be your choice not his but whatever. I wanna get on the pill but how would I ever know if it fails and I need plan B the next morning? With condoms, you know you need plan B if it tears. How do you know that with birth control? If someone knows by the way please tell me because I really want my boyfriend to do me without a condom we're both really curious. In any case he says it's my call because it's my body. I generally stick with condoms because that physical barrier makes me feel secure about not getting pregnant. Maybe he feels afraid that not having a physical barrier will knock you up. Again, that's not his choice though. I'm glad my bf makes it up to me. But whatever. As for the porn, he may be failing to communicate something he wants to try in bed with you. Maybe he doesn't want to broach it because he thinks you're too conservative in bed. I'm just saying here I know that might not be the case but I feel like you should just initiate sex with him and do something new to blow his mind. I won't get into specifics here because I forgot if I'm allowed to but basically try things that "good" girls don't do and be his personal porn star. Buy some hot lingerie and watch some porn yourself. Find the genres he watches and watch them to see what he wants. Then approach him and turn him on.

you got yourself a situation. a controling man who finds it enough to beat off to porn when there is a willing partner he has a relationship w/ right there.
you aren't getting sex; problem. he's telling you what to do; problem.
unless there is an issue you don't know about (he has an STD and doesn't want to tell you, stress at work, etc) tread carefully here.
heed. my words.

Buy the condoms and initiate something. If he claims to have a headache, maybe something is up.
I also think it's silly that for 5 years you've relied on him call the shots regarding contraceptives. It's your body, take care of it.

I'm guessing this is your first serious/sexual relationship, since you're in your early 20's & have been with this guy for 5. If so, you've got a lot of stuff you need to address that you're probably unaware of.
#1 YOU need to take charge of your own sexual health. Condoms are great bc they simultaneously protect against sti's & pregnancy. Hormonal bc, sponges, films, and other non-barrier contraceptives do NOT protect against sti's. Now, if he's not buying them or forgets once in a while, ythen take the initiative to buy some yourself.
On the one hand, I understand him not wanting to use the pill, since it's very easy to miss a pill & void your protection without him ever knowing or having any control over ensuring protection. On the other hand, demanding condoms vs other options (like an IUD) that would retain the efficacy but lose the sti protection makes me think that perhaps he's sleeping around (or thinks you are) and wants to protect one or the other from spreading whatever. Also, perhaps he already has an sti & is using condoms to try & keep you from finding out by contracting it yourself. Whichever is the case, you guys need to sit down & discuss this like adults - not him telling you how it is bc he's older.
As for him "preferring" porn to sex with you, I think you're jumping the gun a bit. It hasn't been that long that this has been going on, so it's likely he's stressed/busy and forgot to pick up condoms & then masturbated after realizing he forgot to pick up condoms & was too tired to go out & buy some at whatever time it happened to be when he noticed the lack of condoms. Again, this is easily remedied by asking him about it. Have a grown-up conversation about why he's doing this, how it makes you feel, and how you guys can better communicate in the future.

First, you choose the birth control! It's your body if you get pregnant, start taking responsibility for it now. If you want to be on the pill, go to the doctor, or a clinic, or somewhere and get on the pill.
Second, men watch porn. Not all men (maybe), but watch it they do. They used to read Playboy and masterbate. Now they go online. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you.
It could be there's something going on outside your relationship that's stressing him out, and this is a good way for him to relieve tension. Quite frankly, I'd rather my man fly solo than with someone else.
Honestly, don't let it bother you unless he either starts doing it obsessively (to the point you NEVER have sex anymore because he has to have the porn to get off) or he lies to you about it.

I think there are a lot of things you guys should be talking about. Why doesn't he want you to be on the pill? Why do you let him decide on the contraceptive method you guys are using? It sounds like you have nothing to say about you guys' sex life. After 5 years you guys do not seem to have good communication about it if you are afraid to ask him about his porn habit and why didn't he purchase condoms. Sex is one of the most important thing in a couple's life so communication should always be open.