Monday, October 22, 2007

Dropping the Dooku

In the midst of a terrible battle high above Coruscant, Two lone Jedi’s somehow…inexplicably entered the flag ship of Count Dooku without anyone noticing them. (See the question of the week).

Now, deep inside the droid infested halls, Obi Wan and his padawan Anakin Skywalker (aka the chosen one, aka teh gangsta Jedi, aka Palpatine’s whipping boy…) make a dash to Count Dooku’s personal chambers without drawing any attention to them. Unfortunately, Obi Wan happened to have seen his favorite ride and had to go for a spin or two.

“Master, we gots ta get a move on it. Don’t you think you’ve had enough ‘spin-the-Jedi’ time? Bissides…we’re running out of quarters and I aints spotting you any more money until you pay me back for those Puff-n-Stuff mail order leotards.”

“Oh…darn. Very well. I guess we should head on over and deal with Count Dooku now.”

“Shuh! Ya think?”

“C’mon. I know exactly where he’s at. I can feel a disturbance in the Force. Oh wait…that’s the room spinning. I…I think I’ma gonna…gonna….RRRRRoooollllllllfff!!”

“Dude, I am not cleaning that up.”

Twenty minutes and three breath mints later, the two Jedis finally find their way to the inner sanctum of Count Dooku. With lightsabers blazing, they force their way in for the final confrontation. Inside they see Chancellor Palpatine chained to a chair and tauntingly surrounded by Little Dooku snacks. “oh thank heaven you’ve arrived,” he gasped. “Count Dooku here was about to force feed me some of his expired snacks again.”

“That’s no prob, Palps. That’s why we is here. Ain’t that right, Obs?”

“That an the dryer.”

“Ah….Obi Wan Kenobi. And Anakin Skywalker. I was wondering who they were going to send.” Count Dooku smirked as he walked closer to them; his red lightsaber a-glow. “The Jedi Council must truly be desperate to be sending in the likes of you two. A pity. I was so looking forward to showing off some of my new tricks.”

“The only tricks you’re gonna do, ya ol geezer, are the kinds they do downtown on the street corner for a buck fifty.”

“…?That doesn’t even make sense, dear boy.”

“Whateves. It sounded cool. That’s all that matters.”

“Enough of this," Obi Wan stammered. "Count Dooku, you are under arrest for the kidnapping of Chancellor Palpatine. Come with us quietly or we will be forced to use the Force.”

“oh my. And I was so trying not to have your asses served to you by an ‘old geezer’. Very well. Let’s have it now.”

The two Jedi advanced cautiously. Count Dooku stood his ground. Suddenly, the two Jedi struck only to be parried by the Count’s own lightsaber.

“Is that the best you two can do? My basset hound can fight better than this.”

“Your basset hound or yo mama!!”

“….?”

“Shuddup. Whateves. I’m improvising.”

“Anakin, we must separate and take him from both sides,” Obi Wan directed.

“No probs, master. I’ll keep him occupied and you just wail on him.”

While Anakin and Dooku fight vigorously, Obi Wan calculates the right time to attack. When he sees his opening he lunges forward…then suddenly…

“Oh….oh…the room is spinning again…I…..I…” The Jedi steps on his robes and slips on the slick metal floor. Within moments his head cracks on the floor and he is out cold.

“I’m afraid, dear boy, that it’s just us two again. I do look forward to taking your other hand. You know, I still have your first hand back at my villa. I use it to wipe my ass, you know.”

“Arrrrrrrrgh!” Filled with rage at the thought of his old hand touching the decrepit Jedi’s pimply ass, Anakin flings himself at him with all his might and anger. All the while, Palpatine watches with glee in his eye.

“Come now, young Jedi,” Dooku spoke between thrusts. “What do you care if he lives or dies? He took everything from me. My snacks…my Rooku McDooku franchise…my limited edition gold plated Sigmund and the Sea Monster tricycle. What else do I have to live for?”

“I don’t care what kinda gripes ya got with ol Palps. I’m just here to even the score…with your hand!”

“Oh, and I suppose a young upstart like yourself actually thinks he could take off a hand from a mighty Sith Lord such as myself? I would sooner believe…

*slice*

“?!?! That…that was my yo-yo hand. How? How…how am I to use my new yo-yo now?”