Where Anxiety Ensues & Entertains

Main menu

Category Archives: Blog

Post navigation

Since I was born, my mother took out a life insurance policy for me in the event that something should happen to me and they needed money for burial procedures. (morbid first sentence, I’m sorry.) I’m sure this was a smart move on her behalf from all the trouble I got into as a kid: Bitten in the face by a dog, needed stitches on my forehead from being accidentally hit with a metal bat, almost drowned in a pool at a campground, went outside in my PJs at night alone in search of my parents, etc. But now, I recently got a job that pays our own life insurance and has a better pay out if (god forbid) something happens to me. Thus, I no longer need my childhood policy.

My Mom gave me the task of calling to cancel it. (This was at least 2 months ago) I have still not done so because every time I go to pick up the phone to do it I think, with my bad luck, I’ll do this and something will happen to me soon after. I do not wish to be responsible for an asteroid hurtling towards earth, a zombie apocalypse, or a nuclear war, just because I was trying to cancel my life insurance policy.

Last night I finally got around to watching the movie Mr.Nobody and I caught something that was said that pertains to how I think about making decisions.

“You have to make the right choice. As long as you don’t choose, everything is possible.” – Nemo Nobody

I’m not a believer in destiny, or soul mates for that matter. I believe every decision you make will lead you to who you will love, what you will do, and where you will end up. I don’t believe that my choices are already predetermined by some higher being or that certain things were fate. I do however believe in luck and inevitable universal truths.

I have a hard time making decisions about almost anything because I’m afraid I could have had a better outcome. Thus, usually after finally making a choice, I immediately think I should have chosen differently. I’m pretty sure this has to do with my anxiety and my fear of not being in control.

So for laughs, I decided to google ways to deal with indecision. Here is what I got, and what I thought while reading them:

1. “Both Options Can Work” – Umm, not always. Maybe when deciding where to eat, but if I chose to get in 1 subway car instead of another, and there is a madman lurking on it, that is definitely not a decision I can work with.

2. “Speak With a Friend” – Why? So they will think I’m crazy too when it takes me an hour to decide between a burger or chicken nuggets at McDonalds? Although I have to say, it is easier to force someone else to make your decision for you so you have someone to blame for your unhappiness later…it honestly makes you feel better.

3. “Listen to your emotions” – No problem. I will keep a flask of vodka with me at all times. Usually after a few drinks I end up choosing to eat things like Macaroni and Cheese pizza at 2am and to walk barefoot around NYC. (both true stories) Those were choices made purely off emotions. “I’m hungry, My feet hurt, etc.”

4. “Flip a coin” – This is actually not a bad idea but in the opposite way that it is intended. Usually whatever “fate” chooses, I find myself wanting the other. However, if I do end up going with what the coin chooses, and it doesn’t work out for the better, I’m going to assume the universe hates me.

I think my fear of decision making is also because of my past bad decisions. For starters, I shouldn’t have decided to get a kitten in only two weeks time. He is now a full grown cat and with every day that he grew older I remembered…I hate cats. There are moments where I do love him…but the majority of the time I kick myself for making a stupid decision that attacks me constantly and smells up the house.

I’ve also made some poor job decisions in the past, bad love interest choices, and have gotten myself into some stupid messes as a teenager. But I guess all of those choices have inevitably led me to where I am now, which is happy. So why change my indecisive nature? It’s obviously worked out for me so far.

The most traumatizing thing that can happen to me in a subway is realizing that there are people around me that resemble those of cliche characters from disaster movies because then my brain immediately goes to: oh god, we are all going to get trapped down here and have to fight for our lives to get out.

I’m not over-exaggerating on this subject at all either, I honestly think this way a lot when I get into a situation that could potentially be a disaster movie scenario. If I look around and see one or a few of these kinds of people that I’m about to list, I get a little nervous that my imagination is going to come true.

Let’s start off with the one that I had today in my subway car:

1. The obnoxious guy that everyone hates: this guy today would not stop cursing when the subways stopped for a few minutes. Just going on and on about how ridiculous this is and how much he hates the subway. Mind you, this was not a hobo who was just talking to himself, he was a nicely dressed man who loves the F-word apparently. I wonder what kind of job that guy has, but in the plot of my disaster movie, he will not be making it out alive. He will most likely go crazy, pull a gun on everyone for no reason and somehow meet his doom. Reminding everyone that it pays to be nice.

2. The cute kid you know is going to live: who kills off a little kid? When that happens in a movie there is usually an outcry of people who were offended by it. I have to say, even when I see a movie where the kid dies I feel a little queezy. Thus if there is a cute little kid on your subway car, just assume he is going to live and don’t worry about helping him.

3. The hero who usually has a family he needs to save or get home to: this is going to be the lead of the movie and is usually good looking for some reason. Usually his only need is to save his family or to get home to them. Unfortunately he usually dies in the end dramatically but not always.

4. Some kind of animal that usually lives: the dog will miraculously survive.

5. The elderly couple (the older woman usually dies): there’s usually a really loving elderly couple who somehow makes it a long time before one of them ultimately dies. For some reason it’s usually the woman, what’s up with that?

6. The comical relief minority: it’s either the smartass Asian or the “DAAAAMN!” and “Oh Heeeeeell No!” African American guy but this person’s sole responsibility is keeping everyone in good spirits. Lucky for them, they often live.

7. Some kind of overweight person, sometimes seemingly on drugs: he’s a goner. This type of person is always very easy to find in any real life situation so I don’t get too scared when I realize there’s one in my subway car.

8. That random guy that has no real personality and no lines that you know is going to die first

So the plot I think up goes something like this. Our subway stops and everyone at first thinks it’s just train traffic ahead. But somewhere outside of the subway, government officials are having an emergency meeting about how all the subways have jammed in the tunnels. Of course there was that one scientist that saw it coming but no one listened to him. To make a very long story short, we’re all doomed.

And thus, this is what I think about when I’m on subway cars, airplanes, buses, boats etc. Guaranteed you will at least think about this post next time your sitting on a plane and you realize your sitting next to an old elderly couple, have a cute little kid sitting behind you, and a man sitting across from you saying that he’s finally going home to see his family for the first time in months.

So last week I went to the doctor because I was having some issues with not feeling great in the mornings and getting lightheaded in the subways. I thought maybe I would learn that I needed to drink more water or have more sugar in the mornings. Instead, I was told that it may be caused by my anxiety issues. First off, I didn’t even bring up the fact that I have anxiety, she just guessed it and it was a new doctor I was seeing so she didn’t have any of my medical records. Am I that easy to read?

For the first time, I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication and given names of therapists to see that may help me overcome my anxiety. I am actually very interested in going to see a therapist and once the holiday season has wrapped up I intend to make an appointment. I’m curious to see what they can uncover about me and why I think the way I do. The pills however I am a little skeptical about. I’m not sure how they work and I don’t know if I’m not going to like the way they feel. The doctor told me to give them a chance and if I don’t like them to stop taking them. I’m supposed to see her again in a month to let her know how therapy and the medication has helped. After debating the issue, I finally took my first pill yesterday. So far I feel no different but online it says it takes a few days to kick in.

However, let me just tell you all about the side effects that these little death capsules could have in store for me. (this of course has caused me more worry in my life) The first thing it says is “You may have thoughts about suicide when you first start taking this medication, especially if you are younger than 24 years old.” Well terrific! I’m not sure exactly how this works but I wonder if I will just decide one of these days when I wake up that my window looks good to jump out of today or my hair dryer looks better plugged in near the bathtub? Or perhaps it will feel something like when I burn my toast in the morning it will cause life to seem so unbearable for me that I would rather kill myself. However it is that this feeling may decide to creep up me from my medication, I told my boyfriend to not allow me on our terrace or around sharp knives.

Continuing on with this list of horrors, here are the common side effects and my quick thoughts on them:

Anxiety & Nervousness (well we’re right where we started)

Constipation (gross)

Diarrhea (gross)

Dizziness (great)

Drowsiness (great)

Nausea (not cool)

Stomach upset (not cool)

Trouble sleeping (so I’m either going to be tired or not tired at all?)

Weight loss (…actually this ones not so bad)

If the common side effects weren’t bad enough, all hell breaks loose during the severe side effects section:

Bizarre behavior (hmm, like what I wonder? Will I start to wear banana peels on my head and eat dirt?)

Chest pain (great)

Confusion (great)

Decreased bladder control (better start getting diapers)

Decreased concentration (ADD here I come!)

Decreased coordination (Let me drive your car 🙂 )

Fainting (always fun and also what I originally was having issues with when I sought a Doctor)

Fever (always fun)

Hallucinations (actually that may be interesting)

Memory loss (50 First Dates)

Aggressiveness (gorilla warfare if you touch my snacks!!)

Impulsiveness (nothing new there, I’d still by an Alpaca if I could)

Exaggerated feeling of well-being (so even if I feel really good that’s just a side effect? Aw man)

Inability to sit still (kind of feel like that right now…uh oh)

Persistent, painful erection (oh no, I’m going to have to keep my eye out for this!)

Seizures (great)

Unusual weakness (I shall use this excuse when I lose at things from now on)

Believe it or not, these are not all the side effects, just the one’s I chose to write about. There are many many more. Wouldn’t be surprised if one was just plain death, but I guess if you succeed in your suicide attempts that were brought on by the medicine then that could be an accurate side effect to label.

So if you can get over your anxiety enough to not think that every one of these side effects is going to happen to you, then try an anti-anxiety medication if your doctor prescribes it. I will have to let you guys know if I feel any different after a week or so. I kind of feel like a crazy person having to take an anti-anxiety medicine but I mean if it helps then why not?

So over the weekend I got an email saying that the blog I Love The Way You Lied nominated my blog for The Versatile Blogger Award. First off, I was super excited even though I had no idea what the award was, and secondly I thought that I definitely had to continue this award nominationing-ness.

The rules for the Versatile Blog Awards are:

Nominate 15 fellow bloggers.

Inform the bloggers of their nomination.

Share 7 random things about yourself.

Thank the blogger who nominated you.

Add the Versatile Blog Award picture on your blog post.

My 7 Random Things About Myself

This may actually be good to do because I haven’t really told everyone much about myself yet in my blog. Don’t worry, I will make this interesting. I won’t subject you to thinking that your about to read some “back in the day” MySpace (nice name drop) bulletin board “About Me” survey. Jeez, remember those? The only people ever interested in reading all those things that you’d post about yourself were your mother if she could get a hold of it and possibly someone who had a crush on you. But in your mind, EVERYONE was interested in every aspect of your life and it must be shared monthly. And yes, I filled out a lot in high school too except everyone DID want to learn about every aspect of my life because I actually AM extremely interesting. True Story. So here we go:

Here’s a picture of me to kick this off. It’s the only recent picture that I have of myself via my iPhone.

1) I live in New York City and work at a big media company. I can’t say what company in case for some reason I write something in here that may get me into trouble but just choose one that you would like to imagine me working at and it’ll be close enough. I got extremely lucky (actually it wasn’t really luck, I worked my ass off to get 4.0’s for most of my semesters and worked non-stop) and was offered a job soon after my internship ended. Landing my current job often makes me think of myself as a kind of Wunderkind (a person who succeeds at a comparatively early age; child prodigy) because 1. Awesome-sauce to be considered one and 2. During this time, getting ANY job quickly out of college makes anyone a Wunderkind to me, let alone a job working around celebrities, television, and concerts.

2) My father died of lung cancer when I was 15. Because of this I have never even tried one cigarette in my 22 years of existence. I have no idea what one tastes like. However, in high school I did try cloves (oh my god, remember cloves?) and a black and mild, but never a normal cigarette. If I ever catch my future children smoking cigarettes you better believe that they will pay dearly. I mean, there’s so many more enjoyable things in life to die from then smoking a plant and smelling terrible, like eating McDonalds & other foods with chemicals in it, drinking alcohol and doing extreme sports. I wouldn’t want to limit my children to death from such a silly thing. But seriously, STOP SMOKING! My grandpa also passed away last Halloween from lung cancer as well. I was also diagnosed with pre-cervical cancer cells that I’ve been fighting to keep away since I was 18 and I am a Cancer (the crab) astrological sign. So yeah, cancer has been a huge part of my life and I often let my paranoia take me too far into thinking that these are all signs pointing toward my ultimate demise.

3) I am a super nerd and look for ways for me to become even more nerdy. Nerds, Dorks, Geeks, Weirdos…they honestly have the most fun in this world. They don’t care about what other people think, they do what they enjoy to do and do it proudly. My unique nerdiness comes from my love of Pokemon (still to this day), video games (mainly older ones), graphic design, and computer hacking/management (meaning I can’t build computers or code software but I can help you perform cool things on your computer you may not know how to do and get you unlimited media). I have a stuffed Mew doll in my room, am currently playing Kingdom Hearts for PS2, and have read a fair amount of comic books in my day.

4) I used to be chumby. I weighed 150 at my biggest during my first semester at college and then slimmed down to weigh 115. I went from a size 12 to a size 2 in a little under a year. I kept it off for a long time but sadly I’ve gone back up to 125 but as you can see from my most recent picture, I am by all means NOT fat. Just have a little extra pudge I need to work off when the holidays are over. Just to prove my story, I posted my before and after picture on the right.

5) I’ve worked so many different jobs before the one I have now. From my first to my most recent I was a: deli clerk, a hostess at a restaurant, a cashier at a supermarket, a photographers assistant (I only lasted about two shoots lol), a cashier/sales person at a pool store, a counselor for a paint ball camp (only lasted the first week), a retail sales associate, a college Chairman’s assistant, an intern, a waitress, a production assistant, and a promoter for a gentleman’s club (it’s not what you think, we just wore T-shirts with the club’s name and passed out cards). I’m not a gentleman’s club promoter anymore obviously (worst job ever) but I don’t want to give out my current job title.

6) I once had a pet hedgehog. His name was Shaymin (Shay for short) and he was the coolest pet I ever had. He was pure evil however. The funny part of this story is that I only got to have him as a pet for one summer. I had found him off craigslist in May because I was lonely and wanted a cool animal. However, it was an impulsive buy and I didn’t do my research that said hedgehogs are illegal in New York City. For anyone else who didn’t know, ferrets and chinchilla’s are also not allowed in New York City. Weird right? So I had to make a decision, it was either to sneak my hedgehog into my new apartment and travel with him on the train when I had to go home and pray no one saw me or to get rid of him. Obviously I knew that if I had to sneak a hedgehog around, I was going to have constant panic attacks that the police were going to hijack Shay and put me in jail. (because this is NYC’s police 1st priority, I don’t know if your aware) I decided to do the right thing and find Shay a new home. It was actually super easy, I found a nice women who had other hedgehogs already and knew how to take care of them better then I could have. I miss him whenever I see my pictures of him.

7) I make a less annoying and cuter Snooki “Meh” noise. Like if something falls, or I can’t reach something, or just feel like crap. I will make my “Meh” noise. My boyfriend has gotten so accustomed to it that if I make the noise, he usually knows what I want or did. I also make the “Eh Eh” noise when I need something but can’t get or do it right. Yes, when you have me in your life it is almost like being around a tiny creature that makes cute noises to communicate. This inevitably has caused my boyfriend to constantly say “use your words.” And when that is said, I am once again a 5-year-old and it actually feels awesome. I loved being 5, my imagination was kickass, no need for video games or movies during those days! Just give me a cardboard box.

The 15 Blogs I Nominate:

1) I Love The Way You Lied – The person responsible for me posting a blog about this award and thus must get the first nomination on my list. Her blog itself is actually awesome, I’m glad she helped me to find it by nominating me. She was cheated on and is now blogging about it. I was cheated with my first boyfriend and although it was puppy love, it still hurts to this day when I think about it so I have tons of respect for her. It happens to the best of us!

2) The Ranting Liberal – One of the first people to ever write something on my blog and for that he has to be on here. Although I absolutely hate politics, Dave’s blog is actually pretty entertaining to read.

3) Fibromy-Awesome – Fell in love with this blog after reading 15 Things White Girls Do on Facebook. Pretty entertaining blog about pretty much everything. Her Dad died from cancer when she was young like me

4) Cult of Otis – I am a fairly new cat owner but a complete dog person. So I have searched blogs to find one to read about other cat owners that could make me laugh yet learn. This is definitely a good one.

5) Live, Nerd, Repeat – This blog is so entertaining to read and relate to for me. Love the cartoons that go along with each blog post. I gotta start doing that!

6) The RIB – I love when women get together and show just how awesome and funny we can be. One of my favorites to read!

7) Will Date for Free Food – Three Boston girls in their mid-20s share their dating stories. How could that not be entertaining to read?

8) Topicless Bar – I love people who find the humor in life like I do and this is exactly what this blog is all about.

10)Smiling Mommy Blog – Although I can’t relate a lot to the blog because I am not a Mommy (thank god because I can barely take care of myself) I love reading her blog and learning what it may be like if I choose to someday become a working Mom of 3.

11) Tillie’s Tales – Tillie is young and weird just like me. Love reading her blog posts and relating.

13) The Middlest Sister – Such adorable fabric art and really cute stories. I wasn’t the middle sister but I was a middle child so I can relate!

14) Balding Boy – Came across this while trying to find blogs to nominate and it’s actually pretty funny.

15) Nailing Jello to a Tree – I think I really like this blog because of it’s name but overall I enjoy reading this parenting blog even though I’m not a parent.

Ok, so this took me 4 hours to finish and I still need to notify people that I nominated them. Jeez, this is a whole day project! I will hopefully be posting again today for a normal entry. I don’t even know how you know who wins or how they choose but…whatever, hope I win! And if not, then at least you all just learned tons about me and have some new blogs to read through.

Being a New York City resident for the past three years now, I think I have gathered enough information to determine that the MTA is a main source of most of my anxiety. I’m sure this is the same for most other New Yorkers as well. This is the reason why I am moving close to my job once my lease is up so I will never have to take the MTA on a daily basis again. It’s come to the point where I would pay extra money for my rent then pay less and take the MTA every day. Here are a few of the many, many examples of why the MTA is a huge anxiety to me.

1. I just have to say that this is what started me on ranting about the MTA. The MTA FORGOT about passengers stranded on an A train in last year’s blizzard. Recently, the President of New York City Transit was quoted in saying, “We forgot about that train.” They forgot about a train filled with passengers in a blizzard…yeah, no, I totally trust the MTA. Because of this incident, if passengers have been stranded for an hour or two, the MTA is attempting to appoint advocates that will act on the stranded passengers behalf and find ways to rescue them. I love how they are just doing this now. You non-New Yorker’s don’t understand what can happen to people who are stuck on a subway for even an hour or two let alone SEVEN HOURS which is what happened to those poor people last winter. Just to clarify the situation of being stuck on a NYC subway, here’s a few tweets that were sent out from a passenger that was in the stuck subway last winter. “Son!!! I wanna go home!!! Dudes on the train talking about cannibalism lol I want out!!!” And then: “6 o clock we gonna be live on abc news… But that don’t mean nothing!!! I’m hungry.” But amidst the despair, a note of triumph: “I’m lucky I’m a dude. I’ll just whip it out n pee out the last car. Lol.” (@OMJohnnyG) Some of the 500 riders stuck in the train overnight in Queens during the blizzard were forced to urinate between cars and huddle together to keep warm during the 7-hour ordeal. One passenger even vomited. Yeah, I definitely shouldn’t worry about being stuck on a subway car for a long period of time, it seems pretty comfortable.

2. “The MTA’s new executive director, discussed the organization’s nearly $10 billion budget gap at his first board meeting Wednesday and spoke out on necessary fare hikes.” Fare hike? Awesome! When I started college and moved to the city, the fare had just gone up for subways and it was at $89 for an unlimited monthly subway pass or $2.00 per ride. Since then, there has been a fare hike that brought the cost to $104 for an unlimited monthly subway pass or $2.25 per ride. Now they are saying they will raise fare by 2013? No, I’m done with paying for the MTA to screw me over on a daily basis. I am moving to where I work and paying a little more to do so just so I don’t have to spend ridiculous amounts of money on services that only work half the time. Soon it’ll get to a point where people won’t even be able to afford public transportation anyway. I mean I’m getting to that point soon.

3. On a personal note, they combined two buses near my apartment into one. I used to have no issues going to work in the morning because it would always come pick me up and drop me off at the subway stop to continue with my commute. However, now that they combined two buses, they are usually so packed with people that they can’t pick up anyone from the last 4 or 5 stops on the route. Thus, I have to walk (not a short distance) to the subway every morning. In the rain, cold, heat, everything. Even better is when I get to the subway, there are usually delays which make the stop super packed with people to where I can’t even get on the first few trains that do come by. Either a plague needs to break out that will take down our population count or MTA needs to figure out how to make people’s commutes A LOT better.

4. Their Twitter and Website are just lists of what’s going wrong with which lines. I get notifications on my phone if there is an issue with either of the 2 trains or 1 bus that I can take to and from work, and it goes off EVERY SINGLE DAY. There hasn’t been one day where I haven’t gotten a notification. And those are just the lines I use, I’m not even including all of the NYC lines combined. I know it’s hard to run a big operation like MTA, I know that. But I feel like the subways and buses I use are always having problems!!

This is exactly why I’m moving back to Manhattan within walking distance from work. This way I can wake up and say to myself, hey! I know that it will take me exactly 10 minutes to walk to work today! I should leave early and grab something nice for breakfast! Not thinking, great I get to wake up an hour earlier to get to work even though the trip says its only supposed to take 20 minutes. Oh? I get to be late because the bus will pass by me and the subways will be delayed? OH? I’m going to be packed to close to strangers in a hot box that’s moving super slow under the streets of New York? OH? SORRY FOR THE INCONVIENCE SUBWAY MACHINE RECORDING?? I think every time I make an MTA transit commute I lose 1 day of my life due to stress.