breakfast of chicken tikka. way too much meat. i was only wanting to pon chan my parents' friends but didnt see them there today.

receptionist, who is fat, ugly and too talkative, remarked that the three of us, 'for someone so good with those computer stuff, would be so useless in everything else' eh excuse me, i was using that fucking stupid program all this while, i did painstakingly took the time to fill out every single thing they asked for, and i counted my time for it too, it is such a tedious job and i did it every single time, what the fuck... i am already feelin very sien about it and she insulted us saying we dont know a thing about it... walao...

next, my crying. i don't know why am i so addicted to crying and misery, i just find some excuse and tear up and start crying like crazy. my breasts hurt, i can't breathe properly, i feel so tired, my eyes are very dry and blurry, now i can't see properly to do my work or to drive ...

i got reminded that i should not hold him responsible for my happiness. it is entirely my own business to feel happy regardless of his actions or inactions. he is free to do whatevs he wants, and he is really happy with his life now that he finally managed to pursue his long-time childhood dream. he kept encouraging me to stand up for myself, chase my own dreams, do what i really love, coz he knows i can make it big, coz he knows i am an amazing person.

and all i hear, all i brood on, is the words 'i never intended to be in a relationship with you in the first place', ' i wanted to tell you to fuck off many times', and 'you should have fucked off a year ago'. and 'i dont want to see you like that, feeling shit and sad and all that' .....

geez... i don't know. i got so hurt from that night i can't even think properly. im still in a very hurtful blur. tearing up so easily all the time. it is already mid may. i am still feeling worse than ever, and i don't know if im bringing this misery upon myself, to keep on enforcing that self-pity exercise, ..... or what... i know, im really immature and crazy to risk my life and health and mental wellbeing over one person like this.... i cant even smile... i cant think happy thoughts.... every time i hear a childhood happy song or think of my dear family and friends, i miss them all so badly and cry even more. i know maybe someday we will all meet again and laugh and have a good time like the old days, but i dont know when will that be, and i dont know if i can make it past this year. im so miserable and dead right now. really really down. i wish there is a shoulder to cry on. i wish i can stop feeling so down.i wish he loves me but he obviously thinks im like a poor little kitten he picked up from the street, from the way he said 'what im doing to you, i would do the same for anyone else'. what, you would kiss and fuck just about any girl on the street that you think is half amazing? whatever happened to 'you are the nicest person ive ever met, how i wish i met you before her...' ... he did say ' i never said i never wanted to take you anywhere, i still wnat to travel... ' but yea, a relationship is out of the question for now, he is pretty resistant to that. already many girls he turned away. he tells me, they all tell him afterwards they shouldnt have waited. in a years time i'll be laughing about it. i shouldnt have waited.

i feel so miserable. i had thought, the more i worked hard, the more effort i put in, the longer i hold on, the more it will pay off,...but he caught me. he said i cant possibly work and expect him to say one day, hey will i stay over tonight.. that is just wrong..

i know that is wrong yet that is exactly wat i want...

for now...

i dont know..... wish i can turn everything off, have a good night's rest, instead of having to face this enormous pile of jobs after jobs with endless tasks to handle and people to face and things to prepare and deadlines to meet and having to behave civil and all .... i have no rest ... cant exactly pamper myself.. cant meet my friends.. cant call anyone... miserable as shit...

last night, bleary-eyed and very sluggish in thinking, he suddenly got into the mood of clearing things up with me, started asking me all the difficult questions, forcing me to think. where do i want to go with this, what do i want to do, why can't i just be myself, and not go out of the way to be so nice to him, i am trying way too hard, and it is wrong. i should not keep hoping for him to turn around and start something with me. HE NEVER INTENDED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE...

im seriously... im very sad... im always sad.. i havent stopped crying since he made it clear back in january... im so sad.............. i don't know how to get out of this misery.... i want him so bad.... i really don't know what else to do to get him to love me other than just showering him nonstop with kindness and love and undying loyalty and discipline to work and diligence and im killing myself just to get shit done between my day job that's already very taxing..... i dont know how much longer am i able to tahan.... i wish i can care-freely just work on with him with no issues... no... my heart really wants his love..... im doing all that work and my only reward that i want is his love... not money, not success.... i only want him....and he keeps telling me he can't...i can't have him...no,.... he can't be in a relationship with me.. but last night he said he NEVER WANTED ONE anyway.... sheesh.....

he said it was a big mistake trying all those things with me....

im crying again..... maybe he has only been pitying me.... god... i really love him so badly .... this love is ... so damn crazy hard.... this life is so hard..... im trapped..... i want him ..... i wish i can attract some happiness, so that good things can finally happen, but all i think about is how miserable i am being stuck in this situation still working crazily chasing deadlines and yearning for him who doesnt love me back... why la.... i have to stop crying soon, i need to finish all those elevations tonight and im already on the 4th night of 4 hours sleep or less.... im so dead tired and feeling shit.... i wish this will stop soon.... i don't want to cry so much, i don't want to feel so miserable, i don't want him to see me so miserable, i don't want .. i don't want... and i keep attracting all these things i don't want.....

i want to be happy!! i want to be carefree! i want someone to love me, ...i want HIM to love me.... i just want some rest and be at peace again... this is really too hard.... and IM GOING THROUGH EVERYTHING ALONE... i wish i have someone i can just call up and complain to .... i may have a few people.. but i dont wanna trouble anybody.. the last time i cried to my mom on the phone, she flew over immediately.. i dont want anyone to see he's been a jerk to me... i only want to think of him kindly... i really hope he is healthy and happy, he did say he's very happy with his life... im very ... im the opposite.... i mean, all i want now is to be with him that's why im sacrificing so much.... why the fuck cant i get anything that im trying so hard to get..... how much more effort must i put in..... or maybe i just need to wait a little longer... some day.... i'll get out of this misery.... someday, i'll be happy again...... someday we'll both be at peace... i just wish that someday will come sooner. like tomorrow.... i want to smile, be happy, laugh, do what i wanna do..... i don't know what i wanna do...... i thought that staying back and helping him succeed is a pretty good idea and use of my time, as long as he loves me.... no, he doesn't and can't love me, so what do i do now..... maybe it's very very selfish and greedy of me to expect so much... im ...im really .... just maybe addicted to crying and complaining... in this blog where no one will know.... im also so worried that he said he'll write everything down in his will... i don't want him to die, i don't want any accidents, or anything bad to happen.... i want him to live to a ripe old age, having accomplished every single one of his dreams, having lived life to the fullest, having what he really wanted after all, to be free and happy...... let's be happy... let's be happy..... even if we can't be together.... i want the both of us to be happy and living life to the fullest.... i love him so much.... i will never stop trying..... never..... i'll patiently wait it out... i don't know.... oh please... god... stop it already... i should not indulge in so much self pity... i got pretty much a mountain load of stuff to do... cant afford this much time whining and complaining .... i should not have dragged the conversation so long last night... i should have let him sleep.... and myself too.... so tired... so so so tired and weak and unhealthy lately.... i want to be fit, healthy, strong, confident, happy, stand up for myself, be someone important in the world, be lucky and generous and loveable all around... a fb quiz says my purpose in life is to spread joy by simply existing... my subconcsious knows that.... but my current state of mind can't function properly... i can't give joy to others if im not joyful myself.... if i can't get over this hurdle now, how am i gonna perform miracles in future? how am i gonna save the poor children, orphans, victims, the underpriviledged, the animals,.... how am i gonna make my mark in the world... how am i gonna create the art i wanted.... to reach out to everyone and pray and hope the world will slowly change for the better.... some of the many things i know i am here for... i need to do my part...... go go go!!! i can do it!!

been OT-ing past 10pm every single night this week and last fri stayed back till midnight, fucking tired. very sien with the job. actually cried in office today before people went home but no one saw because i closed the door. also felt sick but miraculously got better after maybe drinking water and talking to boy boy.

last night i was at his house. he said to come past after work, i went, and he didn't ans the door, so i bought a pizza coz im hungry, went to meet him (he's at home after all) and we discussed work. he ate my pizza. The highlight was... he said, he is memang working towards trying to employ me full time, because you and i will make miracles together. that would be awesome. but at the moment, it is not enough, even if he left all the drawing to me, still not enough. he asked me what do i want, i said well i dont have such a big ambition to open my own office or something.. and since he has his dreams, i'm happy to help him fulfill them.. he said, he's been trying to tell me... that whatever he is doin now, i can do as well, coz i am so much more better than him.... wow that's a huge compliment.... i mean, he is obviously smarter, braver, more mature and experienced.... and until now i still love him a lot...

when he asked what do i want? ... the obvious answer is 'for you to love me' but i didn't say it... instead i beat around the bush and mumbled about dont know should i open my own office or not, im happy to work for him, and how about i quit my day job and work for him full time -.- i should have said... if he still has feelings for me, i'd be glad to work even for a meager wage, i can always find other part time work to support myself, i mean, money was never a problem... the reason why i worked so bloody hard and long and no breaks and no sleep.. i just wanted to be in his good books, i just hope that eventually he will make space for me in his life, i just hope for the days that we can finally spend together, to earn that stage of relationship... i know he has many goals to achieve and his life is so full of complications and busy stuff he can't even sit down to have a meal... he's so constantly on the go i can't even breathe properly thinking about it... one minute we're having a conversation the next minute the doorbell rings and he has a visitor and we can't talk anymore...

A told me about this girl he seemed to be having sex with in the garage. well, she came by last night. from the sound of their conversation, they seem pretty close and she memang come and go often. i just had this impression that she's now his gf or fuckbuddy or close female friend, and memang comes by often, and ... i just couldn't stand a minute being there anymore. i packed up and left. he seemed pretty pissed having to answer the door for her... and to teman me to the door.. he seemed to have a bad headache trying to say goodbye to me.. well... okay.. i'll leave you two to it... take care....

it's .... well.... i love him a lot.... it sucks to see another woman there that i somehow know is very much in contact with him...

she gave me the vibe that she also doesnt really want me around, fuck off, he's mine... don't know, i might be wrong....

i would have cried but im so numb and silently angry? i don't know. my feelings are slowly turning cold. i don't know. my body is rotting from all the work without exercise or rest. fed up gua. i dono.

lately ive been chatting happily with a new friend. maybe i have gradually found a new source of happiness. i dunno.

i still love him very, very much .... i want him so badly... i just can't get over him... the feelings don't go away... it's hard to control myself being so close to him all the time...

I WANT HIM SO BAD..... WHY IS THIS SO HARD....

whyyyyyy

does he like another.... or more others... and just plain got tired of me...

does he think it is too impossible for us....

the truth is he just can't commit... there is no way he can be a typical boyfriend who does boyfriendly things.... he is not like that...

but what i want to know is, if he has feelings for me or not...

because anything is possible, anything can happen, i mean - i am willing to go with something rather than nothing at all - i can see him only once a month, or less, and spend a long time worrying if he's coming back alive and free, and have him love me... rather than this on and off seeing each other diplomatically and rigidly and controlled and just plain working without anything more... i tried... i gave food every time so we might have a chance to eat together....

im still spending on groceries for him... how i wish .... we can be together... to be the one he falls back on.... to chill out with when he has the chance... to confide in me his worries and secrets.... to trust in me... to cheer me on, we could cheer each other on in our daily work...

i don't know... just be a little closer.... i really don't know, how he could be so intimate.... those months back... i really believed those feelings were real.... he was so unbelievably nice.... and it was a wild dream .....

every day, every night, i believe that i am a sad little shit being dumped by the only guy who ever loved me. and that i will never get a chance to smile and be happy again. i have no life, and i can't move on. i am stuck, and i am unhappy forever. i know i have to change this thinking, and all i can think about are flashing back those memories of us being together.... that only hiking trip he took me to.... that lake he brought me to.... those times in his car watching at the drive-in.. those times in bed.... those times we talked.... sometimes i scroll over and over again on our messages.... and i cry and cry because those happy memories were what i think myself to sleep, what i used to look forward to so happily... that many months ago.... i feel so hurt and sad and pathetic and unhealthy...

i really wish i can be with him together again...... no matter how unrealistic or difficult... i mean, we could work together, we could make lots of money together, i could do amazing work for him, he could make amazing things happen. why not. HE NEEDS TO TELL ME WHETHER HE STILL LIKES ME OR NOT... coz.... as long as he is still alive, and still has feelings for me, i can't give up.......... i can't move on...... i will feel like i am cheating if i try to like someone else..... i have been given this chance with this person, and he is perfect to me, i deeply love and cherish every part of him - even when dripping with sweat and stinking of it (i can't smell it), even when smoking and i used to detest smokers, even when he is being short tempered.... i willingly accept all the negatives and embraced them as part of him that i love so much.... i can stand it all...

but he is pushing me away,............ pushing me away........

i feel so incredibly unwanted ..... lonely...... sad......... miserable......... after almost every time i see him, i will definitely cry..... this past few months ..... i just...... im just....... so down................... so deep in the depths of sadness..........

i know i am very, very, very stupid and selfish.....I AM TRYING SO HARD TO WIN BACK A LOVE THAT I REALLY WANT.... why must love be so difficult for me.... why am i so unlucky.... T.T .... love is only for the lucky and the strong.... not for me huh..... T.T

tonight he was discussing his dreams in detail to a friend and i was just in the middle of the room between the two of them so i heard everything but did not understand a word. whatever technical terms of flying. it seems very concrete, the giant berth that exists between our thoughts and directions. he made it all the more real. how much time and money and effort is needed to achieve what he wants eventually. it turned out that besides me he never told anyone and tonight he finally told this mate of his. and turns out someone died from skydiving recently and he met that guy before his accident. it is just so .... scary and crazy and i am just sitting there working in silence.

i cooked dinner for him, he ate it all, he was grateful. we went over the design for one of the projects and he and his friend had to leave to skydive again. the night ended with messages that are positive... kind of... he smiled at me :)

i also have been chatting with a new friend and he seems very nice and humourous...

nice interactions with housemates make me feel more human...

less shitty junk foods invade my stomach now that i stopped buying them as of last night.. lol ...

i propped my laptop onto higher platforms so i can stand and work... better for my back i guess...

After battling months of self pity, tears, loneliness and absence of all happiness in my daily life, I have finally decided to tell someone of my predicament. Actually, a few people already know. I have fallen in love, and had my heart broken, and have to continue a relationship with him until today, indefinitely. It is incredibly hard for me to accept that he cannot be in a relationship with me. I keep hoping for him to change, but realistically, it will never happen. He has already let go of his wants and needs for a long-term settle-down and marry kind of relationship, a long time ago. He already told me he cannot commit, the first night before he kissed me. He thought that as long as he stated beforehand that he is not sure, not ready, not the perfect kind of guy, that I will understand and not expect anything. In my little dream world I was exploding with fantasies, because he was giving me experiences I never had before and I thought I had felt genuine romantic feelings towards me from him, and I trusted those feelings. Eventually, he avoided seeing me intimately and told me we could work together, but not go back to dating, because he wants to keep things professional between us and he wants to sort his life out and achieve his personal goals. He just does not want the whole drama and hassle of a relationship. That is what he said. He continued to help me out tremendously, not charging me for the reno works that could have costed 20k - there is never ever any chance that he could be taking advantage of me, I know he wants only the best for me and never to hurt me. He continue to be kind and diplomatic and trusting, in the work that we are doing. I am his drafting assistant, he pays me cash for the draftng work so he can handle his jobs and whatever he needs to do. He is extremely passionate about skydiving and flying in a wingsuit, something that he had wanted to pursue all his life and waited until now. He has completed 100 jumps as of today. The moment he described his dream to me, I know he is going somewhere that I could not follow. I have no interest in doing the same things, and it will be agonizing to tolerate such madness my whole life, each day hoping he is doing things correctly and safely - as one wrong step will be fatal. That was my initial thought. As the days, weeks and months pass, while I slave over torrents of unfinishable work, not having any personal time and not meeting anyone new, my mind can only drift around the thoughts of a lost love and incredible sadness. I begin to want even a miserable half life tolerating his sudden take-offs and arrivals, short meetings and crazy schedules and deadlines, as long as he has me in his heart. I wanted to tell him that - he actually already knows. He tried to tell me to let go already, he is tired of answering my endless, angst-y questions. He cannot commit to a relationship, so I have to stop trying with him. The reason why he stopped having an intimate relationship with me is so I won't be stuck with a nutcase like him, he wants me to find my happiness elsewhere with someone else, as he could not provide things a full-time boyfriend could, so whether or not he has feelings for me is irrelevant. I just find it so hard to do, to leave. Why am I hanging around ... why am I helping him out.. I made a promise to finish at least these projects while he finishes my house - which he already did. But the projects I'm working on takes a very long time. I have no chance to take any breaks and go have a normal life. We just had 4 full days of a long weekend, everyone's relaxing at home with their families hunting easter eggs or going on road trips, camping holidays, some even travelled overseas - and I am working at the same pace as back in uni having less than 5 hours of sleep a night and never leaving my laptop, frantically completing one task and then straight onto the next, and wishing the weekend stretched longer because I need more time to get the job done. I did mention to him it is hard work - but then he is also working hard, drawing and more jobs for his clients while everyone else is partying. It is his company and his jobs though, not mine. In the end, what I am working so neckbreakingly on, is not my own work. I am either helping my boss earn more money, or helping him. I still haven't submitted drawings for my own house, I still haven't retouched my portfolio to find new work, I still haven't logged my time to fill out the forms for registering for my Architect's title. I still haven't found my true passion in life - it may be in developing sustainability and learning in Japan - I wanted to live and work in Japan for at least a year before I settle down somewhere and work till retirement - no, that was never the plan - I wanted to whatever I want with no contracts or obligations to anyone. My parents, very admirably, never ever questioned my singlehood or decision to live and work in Melbourne, and they supported me all the way. I could take off and go wherever I want. Now I just want to live a little happier. I could do a fantastic job finishing my projects for him, for my boss, then resign from both jobs and seek freedom. A very nice uncle at work told me I look happy and healthy, even though I feel the exact opposite, which I've been feeling about myself for the past 3 months. I felt as if nothing is worth looking forward to, nothing is worth living for, nothing is worth smiling about, there is only darkness, there is only tears, there is no way out of the suffering except death. In brief moments when my family called or friends spoke to me, I feigned okay-ness and pretended to smile. I felt okay for awhile and the next moment I am wallowing in self pity again. This has to end. I know I used to be a very different person, someone who smiles easily and brings happiness into others' lives. I know my friends know me like that. I know they will be heartbroken to know that I am suffering so much, and maybe angry for being stupidly hardworking and loyal for the wrong person, for not quitting earlier and stop self-pitying. My best friend told me over and over, that he is not right for me, cut ties with him, move on. My brain knows she is right. My heart is still stubbornly clinging onto this only source of love I've known, the only person - I know, I can never find someone that I feel exactly the same way about, no one will ever be at his level of intensity that I understood. I know, I can never forget that I ever had this period of relationship with him, nothing can erase those memories no matter how I wish they never happened, or for them to happen again. I know, that this has to end, and I have to stop being so negative - after all, good things can only come when I view them as good. I know, by writing this and letting someone see my writing, that I am letting it out and standing up slowly. I will be strong when I see him next. I can only see him as a friend. Who knows what will happen in the future? I know, if I continue to be so negative, nothing good will happen. I have to be strong and be positive. I have to think it is easy to be happy. I have to shake off this whole self-pitying, gloomy depression and view the world as a giant place for me to cultivate my own greatness and endless possibilities and dreams to pursue, endless chances and love stories to happen and things to experience, I want to live on and achieve more in life. I want to live! I want to journey on, with freedom!

i was in an apartment together with him and another asian girl, who is dark-skinned, short black hair and i hated her although i did not recognize her. she bought big slices of meat jerky for us which i did not touch. we had some bread-cake on the table. i looked away for a few moments and when i looked back, he had carved the words 'i still love you' on the bread. i quickly carved 'me too' on mine and showed him. we were smiling so warmly and brightly at each other. i vaguely remembered there were some hugging, kissing, spooning as well.

the warm sunshine woke me up. i am mentally and physically tired. the reality of it all hit me and i wished i could stay permanently in that wonderful dreamland where it was all nice and comfortable and perfect, instead of this cold hell i'm in right now. how i wish he really does love me back... if only .... :'(

it is difficult to breathe. i am uber uber tired. i slept at 5am and woke up at 7.45am. two nights ago i slept at 3.45am and woke up at 7.30am. This sort of pattern is not unusual for me, I have been doing it every so often, maybe twice a month, depending on the jobs I am doing for him. I have virtually no life. I don't even spend time having a proper meal. I maintain physical hygiene and that's about it, I don't spend time chatting with people, buying proper food, making proper meals, even driving is a waste of time but I gotta get to work and home. I bought subway last night because I felt I needed the luxury of a wholesome meal in a short span of time. It is crazy. At work, I have tons of mundane, dredgy-work to go through, and people don't realise how much time is needed for all the work. I showed a pretty bad face for having to have lunch at 3pm every day, and I am tired all the time, and the work just keeps piling up.

but Ivan's work is even worse. I think he is gonna explode at me tomorrow. He probably has way too many jobs than he can handle, and I can't keep up with his deadlines. I spent a crazy amount of hours just adjusting site levels with the first project, god knows how long I will need for all the other sites. There is just so much shit to do. I wonder how am I going to face him tomorrow, will my emotions be balanced and good, or will I be in turmoil and weak like always.

the crying. it never fucking stops. It has been so many months now, it is old news already, and every now and then the pain comes to sting me and force me to surround my thoughts in gloom. I will tear very easily and my mood just rains like dark clouds and thunderstorms and nothing is happy or motivating and I lose all interest in life. I become a lifeless zombie, just mechanically doing my work, eating and sleeping little, doing everything without feeling. Just the other day my boss's daughter was reading Harry Potter. I love it to death and yet I couldn't bring myself to be sociable, to light up and share my excitement, to be happy for once.

i am utterly tired and i can't even bring myself to do anything ......... misery just keeps me locked up and imprisoned.... i am in a very very dark place... there seems to be no end to the amount of work....

i wish i can be happy again, to see clear blue skies, sunny weather, hear birds chirping, smile, laugh, play, joke, be funny and lively like i used to. i wish i can live normally again. i miss my old self. i miss my friends. i miss my family. i miss food. i miss sleep. i miss him being nice to me. i miss .... i miss happiness.... come back to me, happiness.... come back to me, positivity.... why everything left me alone in this deep, cold, dark depths of hell.... i shiver every day and night from uncontrollable tiredness and cold... too much work, too little outdoors and healthy breathing and exercise... and what the fuck am i eating, just cereal, muesli, tuna, spinach leaves, apples, .... no proper hot food in ages....

friends. i don't know who to talk to. i used to share my secret feelings and frustrations with a special friend who seemed very kind and willing to listen... now that he has a gf, i should not bother him any more....

i used to chat with my brother, my mom, anyone so easily... now, i think about the immense burden of my heart just clutching at me so heavily, i feel a lump in my throat whenever i think about saying it out loud - and i stop myself and pretend im okay and just end the conversation and say i'm very busy, i'm going back to work. i could not pour my feelings out to anyone, saying .. help me... i am very very heartbroken.... i feel so sad, i feel so much pain.... please help me be okay again.... T_T" who to say that to, and ask for a hug? >< .... i dont wanna trouble anyone or waste anyone's time....