ASK MY SISTER (#7)

My parents keep trying to set me up with their accountant’s son. He is 4 feet tall with a lazy eye, bad breath and a horrible lisp. I keep pretending to have food poisoning whenever he gets close to me, but it’s not working. In fact, he just asked me out. Before I could fake another bout of the stomach flu, my sister piped in and accepted his invitation for me!

So first off, how do I get her back? I could replace her shampoo bottle with green hair dye if you think that would be the classy. Secondly, I’d like to offer you my entire allowance for six months and my undying friendship if you’ll go with him instead. Can I count on you?

Sincerely,

Your New Best Friend

Dear New Best Friend,

I Accept your offer. (How much do you get for allowance, anyway? Never mind. We’ll work out the deets later.)

With Halloween around the corner, the timing couldn’t be more perfect. I’m 5’ 10” after all. If I take him trick-or-treating, everyone will think I’m his babysitter. Honestly, I feel sorry for him, though. Do you think he’d let me give him a makeover?

And I promise not to be mean to him on our “date.” I only do mean things like vandalize a guy’s skateboard when he’s too beautiful, but refuses to ask me out.

Your sister def needs a little payback for betraying you, btw. Didn’t you say she was going to be an angel for Halloween? I have some ideas on how to gothify her costume when she isn’t looking 😀 I’ll come over this afternoon with the black spray paint and chains.