BE Yourself ....This is Part of Me

Bare Essensuals was the name of my skincare salon. My slogan was BE Sensual, BE Down to Earth, BE Yourself.
Since this is a personal blog I'm starting to evolve this a bit. However, I still love the Bare Essensuals in life - love, laughter, friendship and good clean fun!

Monday, May 21, 2007

What do you do when...

... you really don't know what to do anymore? Yeah, me neither.

I'm in a head space right now that isn't good. I hate it when that happens because then I way over think things. Right now part of me wants to make a decision that would change something fairly drastically for our family. Mind you, it's purely an emotional response but, really, what else is there? Oh, practicality. There is that. Rational thinking? There's that too.

You can only try so hard, for so long before you don't care any more. That's where I'm at right now. I hope I can turn it around because it is colouring everything I do. It's making everything feel flat.

I'm not really a flat person (in more ways than one!) I tend to be very passionate about everything. If you are in my life and I care about you, I would pretty much do anything for you if you need me to. My family (not the one I made after I got married but the one I was born in to) calls me "emotional". Yep, well, deal with it.

For a very long time I stuffed down those emotions. For eight years, I was in a relationship with someone who tried to ensure I only did or said or wore what he expected me too. You start not to recognise yourself. If you've never been there don't judge. You don't know. It's not as easy to walk away as you might think.

Much of who I became had to do with that relationship since it led me into what I would say are your formative years as an adult. The years you are trying to decide what to do and where you are going. A lot of my issues of control come from that.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. The point is that I am "emotional" and "passionate" and all of those things. But right now? I'm not. Does that even make sense?

I started this blog with no idea of who would be reading it. Now that I know some of the people who read it are people I see in "real" life it colours the things I write. I used to write, frankly and honestly, while still keeping anyone I was referring to anonymous. At least I tried to, just in case. Now when I feel stuff I hesitate before blogging. Whatever will you think of me if I write about x y or z? Will you think I'm a basket case? Maybe you already do. Do you think I'm a whiner and I should just suck it up? Maybe I should. But you know what? People should be allowed to feel what they feel without other people telling them that it's wrong.

I have another blogging friend that I don't know too well, but what I do know I like. I have met her in person (forgive me for using you as an example but it is a good one) - she's dynamic and fun. I have seen her make posts and then delete them. I don't know why but I'm guessing maybe the posts showed a side she didn't want others to see. However, for me they made her all the more real. Sometimes I think I am the only imperfect one that can't handle my kids, the house, the dh being away, sickness, working, trying to make something of myself. And sometimes I just feel really alone.

And, for the record, this post isn't designed to make anyone feel sorry for me. I am a very, incredibly lucky woman for the most part and I do know it. I have a wonderful dh, three healthy, kind children and a God who loves me no matter what (which really is a good thing). That is why I don't want to feel flat. That is why I wish I knew what to do when I don't know what to do. They deserve more. But I really feel that somehow I do too.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I miss fresh air

and Starbucks :-( - it's now day 6 of the illness in our house and the third child went down today. I haven't been out of the house much since then ("then" being six days ago). I drove dd to school and picked her and ds up from school on Monday, dashed to the store Tuesday night to pick up medicine, picked ds up from school yesterday. There and back. No side trips.

No Starbucks lest someone get sick in the car, or worse, while we're waiting. Today a wonderful fellow blogger (thank you LMR) was kind enough to pick up children's tylenol for me (and some cute flowers - thanks again) as we ran out of that sometime in the middle of the night. The thought of dragging three sick kids in to the pharmacy did not thrill me. She was already going to the store so she offered.

So here I sit trying to eat my dinner and type my blog in peace. So far I've been interrupted twice in under five minutes. I have put them all to bed. Yes, it is early for one of them but this Mom is done. I made myself a nice salad and an interesting quesedilla with salmon and brie and sauted veggies. Could be weird but I needed to use up the salmon and the whole wheat tortillas so I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm sure I'll like it. I like anything salmon and cheesy.

Then later I'm going to have a glass of my favourite shiraz cab. I tried a new one the other day and didn't like it. It was from South Africa and is called Kumala or something - I'd get up to go look but I don't want to. I don't want to move - ever. I'm that tired. Last time dh went to the Queen Charlottes the kids (we only had two at that point but I owned my own retail store and worked more than full-time) got the chicken pox. I'm starting to think there is a reason they get sick when he goes away. I'm just not sure if it is telling me he shouldn't go away or that I need to be stronger or what.

I still have to clean the kitchen, put away dishes, and do laundry. Plus, I have some work to do. Wow, this post is pretty whiny sounding. I think I'll stop and just continue to eat my salad and look forward to my wine (to go with my whine! LOL) and quesedilla.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Blogging, the bad blogger

I used to blog regularly and then it slipped away as I also blog on my writing blog. And then I just didn't feel the need to blog here. My personal stuff seems inconsequential, too personal or just plain boring. Maybe all of them.

Sometimes I want to say stuff and I'm not sure how. Sometimes I think I should just blog daily like 4ever29 since this is the year that I should remain 4ver39. How scary is that? When did I get to be this age? Maybe that's why I'm so tired.

My friend R wrote on her last blog about intentional relationships - living intentionally. That's really important and I try to do that. I'm not sure I manage it but I try. Lately dh and I have looked at our schedules and at each other and wonder where the we went in all of that. Yes, we had our date night, scheduled, but it was starting to become a time to discuss the kids, the house, and everything but just enjoying being us and being out, either alone or with friends. There was no we, family, we. Every single night was booked, every day too. Trying to fit anything in to that time on impulse very rarely happened. We are now going to intentionally back ourselves out of some comittments we made. They were good comittments and they were meant to lead us to where we are now but where we are now is a new place.

We need to spend more time together as a family (not just doing chores, running errands or sitting around watching tv). We need to spend time with each of our children (especially the older two) individually.

We also want to start spending time with our friends. Here, there and everywhere (sorry Dr. Seuss jumped into my post).

Anyway, this is starting to ramble and I now have two sick kids to care for so off I go. Dh leaves tomorrow to work in the Queen Charlottes so it'd be great if I could get them both better asap. Think it'll happen?

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Mother's Day Tea

My last (and actually only) preschool mother's day tea with my daughter was today. Why they have it on the Wednesday when they are in school Friday I don't know but that's the way it is.

About two seconds after we settled down #2 dropped a strawberry on herself. Other than that it was just a beautiful afternoon and the kids worked hard at their presentation and special surprises. This is the first time ever that #2 hasn't told a secret. I can't even say what the secret surprise is because I believe 4ever29 still has that joy coming to her tomorrow morning and I wouldn't want to spoil it for N. Sufficed to say that I liked it. Not sure you can tell but she has a ponytail. Look how tall she is compared to some of the other girls (not counting the very tiny one on the end in teal leggings - she's a younger sibling).

Monday, May 07, 2007

Write On #3

Well I fused together the two points of this post to make the title.

I attended the Write On Vancouver conference over the weekend and it was great. I learned a lot. Met both published and unpublished writers, pitched to an editor, talked to other editors and agents and just overall had a good time. It would have been better, however, if I hadn't chipped my tooth on Friday night, causing me to suck back Advil every 4 hours for the rest of the weekend. From looking at the tooth it appears that all I have left is the old amalgam filling, very little original tooth. I see a root canal in my future and I'm not thrilled about it. We don't have a dental plan, or a dentist for that matter, although we have had a good recommendation. Hopefully he will accept a payment plan. At the moment orajel, advil and listerine are my friends.

Back to the conference. I pitched to an editor and she requested the first three chapters of my romantic suspense so I am excited about that. Of course, I still have lots of work to do on it but she said I could take my time, she'd rather see it polished in a few months than thrown together tomorrow.

In other news #3 is off to an audition today for a toy commercial. He's napping now so hopefully he'll be his usual happy self when we get there. I also hope he doesn't make strange when they take him away from me. He's been passed around enough at church that hopefully it won't be a big deal.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

My Honey is Home

Unlike D, I am used to my dh being gone for periods at a time but this is the first time since we had #3.

I am so proud of dh and I know he did a great job down in Alabama, along with the rest of the team. I hear they had a great time, along with a lot of hard work and bonded really well with each other.

What a wonderful experience for all of them and I know my dh has been wanting to do stuff like this for a long time. I'm sure we will do it again. Maybe next time I can go on a mission or maybe it will be him again - it's not our decision really.

In any event, he came home and he seems different somehow. He says he missed me and he thought about a lot of things while he was gone. Whatever it is/was I am very happy he came to the conclusions that he did. I already feel a difference in our marriage.

Can 9 days make a difference? They can to a woman in Alabama and they can to a woman here in Canada. And I believe they did.

About Me

I'm a Mom to three, a writer,a book reviewer, a soaper (someone who makes soap and body products), a wife, a friend, a woman. I care deeply, I hurt deeply, I am loyal and someday I'm "gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane".