Sunday, February 8, 2009

I am 30, soon to be 31 and I have always known that I loved women from age 10. That was my first experience when I kissed my brother's girlfriend (she was 4 years older). Of course at that age I could not explain the intense feelings nor put a name to it. All I knew was it felt fantastic.

I spent most of my adolescence fantasizing about both men and women. Men, however, were more accessible. Hence, women remained in my fantasies. I had many crushes on classmates and schoolmates but I was afraid to act on them. I loved them from afar.

At age 18 I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. We were engaged and headed for marriage, 1.5 children, picket fences and a dog. He was handsome I suppose. But as sad as this is to say, he was balding and took Propecia tablets to prevent any further hair loss. I found it a real turn off. As we made love, I would imagine him with long, lush hair like a woman. Our intimacy was less than fulfilling and I did not stop my fantasy existence with gorgeous, sexy women. The desire I felt during those moments of daydreaming was far more intense than my fiancé was able to elicit from me.

Anyway we broke up after seven years together because he noticed my reticence about getting married and of our sex life. About a year later I entered college. I started a modern apprenticeship and I met this beautiful woman. She was the first woman I made love to. For me it was a beautiful experience and I wanted more unfortunately, for her it was merely for the experience. I was devastated I thought we would have been wonderful together. Although she never made love to me.

A few years later of loneliness and questioning whether I had made the right choice for my life, I was pursued by another beautiful woman. She showed me how wonderful and intensely passionate it is with another woman who loves and desires you. There was no turning back after this experience. I was ready to accept who I am, a lesbian, a lover of other women. Though that relationship didn't last I will always be grateful to her for opening me up to myself.

Now I am in a relationship of two years and totally in love. My Mom recognized our closeness as other than a normal friendship and asked outright if we were gay. We could not deny it and now she is not welcome at my family home or gatherings, and I am not welcome at hers. It is very difficult for us both but our love is too strong to be denied. We know our parents would never come around they are too intensely religious. We are only out to a few friends and definitely not at work.