Dad Won't Talk Since I Had Sex

Beth Winship, Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Published 4:00 am, Sunday, January 14, 2001

DEAR BETH: I'm 17 with a big problem. My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for nine months now. We have a monogamous relationship and are deeply in love. I know it's not good, but I think about her 24-7 and can't get her out of my mind. We have had sex four times. Well, my dad just recently found out, and he doesn't talk to me anymore. He also found out that I smoke marijuana.

He says he's not going to try to keep me and my girlfriend apart -- I rely on him to give me permission to do things. Instead he just tells me no when I want to go places with her. It's really hurting me because she means everything to me.

Please don't be the typical adult and say I shouldn't have had sex and this and that. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I've never felt this way about a girl before, and I know for a fact we are in love. So please just tell me what to do about how to get to see her again because it hurts so much when I can't see her. There's got to be a way to make my dad understand how much she means to me and how much I depend on seeing her to get me through the day or the week. Thank you.

HURTING

DEAR HURTING: You've expressed your feelings so well in your letter, you must figure out a way to communicate this to your dad. Once he's over being upset, he might be more willing to listen.

If you've been able to talk to him in the past, you probably know the best way to approach him and when. If you don't have a good track record talking with him, write him a letter or show him this column. Tell him you have trouble talking with him and you want him to try to understand how much seeing your girlfriend means to you. Ask him to explain his concerns and negotiate something with you.

I do have to be the kind of adult who says please stop smoking marijuana. That may be what your dad is most upset about. I certainly hope you practiced safe sex, too.

I'm most concerned that you and your father are able to reach an understanding. If you can't, talk with your mother or another adult you trust. Feeling iced by your father is a heavy burden. You need support from someone who will help you understand that this isn't your fault. It's a cruel way to deal with children of any age, no matter what they've done.

DEAR BETH: Please tell "All Alone" that the process of establishing close friendships at school takes time, not only to identify people you want to know better but also to make real connections with them. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the presence of others. There are many 16-year-olds who feel like you. I know -- I was one of them. So hang in there! You will be fine in the long run.