Real-Life Dementor Alex Jones Assures Public That Donald Trump Does Not Have a Small Penis

CLEVELAND, OH - JULY 18: Conspiracy theorist and radio talk show host Alex Jones speaks during a rally in support of Donald Trump near the Republican National Convention iJuly 18, 2016 in Cleveland, Ohio. (Photo by Brooks Kraft/ Getty Images)Getty Images

Bigly, ginormous, huge, yuge, and even. More. Bigly. These are the adjectives Alex Jones, infamous conspiracy theorist and "commentator" of InfoWars fame, is apparently using to describe Donald Trump's, erm, genitalia. (We apologize for that mental image.) Because, apparently, we've come to a point in our society where this is a required stance to have as an alt-right media personality.

As reported by The Cut, Jones spoke at length during a recent InfoWars taping about the recent Internet flutter implying our president having a very small penis. "Now the media went into conniption fits and the headlines from MSNBC are Trump's sexual obsessions may destroy the earth," Jones began, before launching into a pseudo-defense of Trump's now-famous (and terrifying) North Korea tweet. "They're the ones saying, hey, we got a bigger nuclear button than you, we got a bigger arsenal, more powerful, and it works. Nothing to do with the media trying to say the president has small genitals."

'Tis huge!!!

Marc Piscotty/Getty Images

And what of the "tiny hand" rumors, Alex? "And by the way he doesn’t even have small hands, and by the way that’s a cliché, and a wives’ tale, and not even true as well," insists Jones in his unique get-off-my-lawn yell. He continues, for some reason: "Medical doctors will tell you it’s the feet size. But the point is — that it’s more comparable. And that’s not even an exact metric." We can only imagine that shortly after this, he informed his colleagues that he wears a "size 47" shoe, then stomped away to chug a pack of sugar-free Redbulls in one go.

OK, if it was a one-and-done comment, we could probably laugh it off and chalk it up to Jones continuously being a Trumpian kiss-ass. But no, there's more. He really wants to talk about penises. Specifically, Trump's. "And by the way, he doesn't even have small hands, and by the way, that's a cliche, and a wives' tale, and not even true as well," Jones said. "Medical doctors will tell you it's the feet size. But the point is — that it's more comparable. And that's not even an exact metric." We wish we could say this was the first time Jones has been very pro-Trump penis, but alas, it is not.

One thing is for sure: We don't ever want to know, in all actuality. Even this Trump dildo is too much for us.