Thank you, Boeing! May we have another?

Originally published April 13, 2014 at 5:30 am

Updated April 13, 2014 at 7:31 am

The last thing America needs is another sports metaphor, but bear with us on this one:

Watching the profiteering snakes at the helm of Boeing slithering, right on schedule, between the gaping holes of job “promises” made in the process of securing a spectacular $9 billion corporate-welfare check from the state takes one back to the recent past of the Seattle Mariners.

Remember the slogan trotted out by the worst franchise in pro sports? “Ya Gotta Love These Guys.” It was a cruel irony mostly because it was so true: You were paying for their stadium and bloated salaries; you had no choice.

The same feeling holds true today about the Lazy B, which, fresh from its latest round of raping and pillaging in the statehouse, has pulled the rug from beneath 1,000 engineers, informing them that, oh, by the way, your jobs are all moving to California. It’s the very sort of aerospace avarice skeptics warned about when Gov. Jay Inslee and the duct-taped coalition of hapless legislative dupes signed on to another round of massive Boeing tax breaks last year.

Ya gotta love these guys. (And make no mistake: It is mostly guys, which is likely a large part of the problem.)

One possible option: Get a grip and, recognizing the worthlessness of Boeing commitments, simply return the favor. Was there some fine-print guarantee that the permanent Boeing tax holiday was irrevocable?

More American Exceptionalism:

Question is: Does anyone in the Legislature or governor’s mansion have the stones to open that box? Please join Mr. Wrap in holding his breath.

This Just in: All of the above was announced by Boeing’s newly expanded Department of Corporate Welfare Procurement, Maximization, and Retention.

Someone Had to Ask: Could Boeing possibly care any less? Actually, no. Here was Mike Delaney, head of engineering at Boeing Commercial Airplanes, blowing off criticism of the latest move in an interview with The Times’ Dominic Gates: “People pine for the days that no longer exist.”

Well, Yes: If he meant casting an admiring backward glance to days when corporations — and their golden-parachuted execs — earning billions in profit actually paid taxes, then yeah, “pining” would be one word. Others come to mind.

OK, This Could Happen to Any of Us: But still, hard to pass up the week’s “Ya Think?” headline award winner, from an Associated Press story about the Wanapum Dam: “Water Pressure May Have Caused Crack in Dam.”

Rule of Flaw: Flashing your headlights to warn other motorists about a speed trap is protected free speech, a local judge in Oregon has ruled. Careful, Judge Wapner. Next thing you know, those freedom-fighting Oregonians will be pushing to pump their own gas.

Just Putting This Out There: It’s only a matter of time before CNN dispatches its own fleet of ships to go look for the missing plane.

Never Fear: To those of you asking whether that might spoil the network’s all-plane-all-the-time ratings strategy: Pshaw. CNN couldn’t find a dump truck if it was parked in the fountain outside its office.

And Finally: Lots of support was heard after the suggestion here to boycott Woodland Park Zoo over its arcane elephant-jailing policies. Sad, but apparently necessary.

Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at rjudd@seattletimes.com or 206-464-8280.