The Six Frattest Original Pokémon

What people don’t realize is Pokémon may be one of the frattest games ever. The whole concept centers around you and your party posse blowing off life’s obligations to hit the gym, fight people, get money, and consume dubious substances in the name of winning. Of the 151 original Pokémon, there are six that stand out as the frat essentials. Without further ado, here is the frattest party of original Pokémon.

Charizard

Charizard is a good look for your team. Everyone wants to be his friend. Charizard gets respect, walks with swagger, and takes shit from no one. It’s always fun to roll with Charizard, even though he’s a huge asshole. Both his greatness and his tendency to be a huge fucking douchebag come from abandonment issues stemming from his rough upbringing.

Machamp

He’s not the prettiest, smartest, or most charismatic guy, but goddamn is he jacked. I mean, this motherfucker has two pairs of arms and wears a lifting belt 24/7. You can always count on Machamp’s strength to help you move your couch or carry a couple 30s from the car. Just make sure to occasionally compliment his vascularity and he’ll stick by you through thick and thin.

Lickitung

Smooth, slippery, and always ready for tongue action, Lickitung is the resident ladykiller. A few licks in the right places and every lady is paralyzed in ecstasy. Given that he’s a bit chubby and otherwise a completely normal guy, it’s a bit of a mystery how he gets so much pussy.

Snorlax

This glorious motherfucker lives to drink, eat, and get in the way. Snorlax is the guy who can chug 40s to the verge of death and rest himself to full health with no issue. He has no quarrels with anyone, but fuck with his homies or his drink and he will body slam your ass to the ground and you will never get back up. In the same way no college party is complete without the fat guy, no Pokémon party is complete without the mighty yet docile Snorlax.

Slowbro

Slowbro is the dumb motherfucker. The guy who eats while shitting. The guy who shotguns beers by opening the top first, spilling everywhere, choking, barfing a little into the beer, and drinking it up before anyone notices. His vocabulary is tragically limited to a couple guttural sounds, the word “bro,” and his own name. That said, he’s really helpful for cutting, aquatic transport, and that sorta stuff — a good sport about it, too.

Chansey

This girl is so frat she don’t even need to be a dude to be on this list. That’s because Chansey is the sweetheart, endowed with healing powers. She watches out for the boys and the boys watch out for her. Whenever a guy is down, count on her… uh… soft-boiled eggs(?) to get him back on his feet. Okay, that’s kinda gross. Don’t read too much into it..

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Glad to see TFM is staying consistent in their positioning with “The Six Frattest Original Pokémon” and “Colleges Are Handing Out eSports Scholarships Now Because Nerds Have Taken Over” posted in the same week.