I feel like i’m always a step behind you,
As you piece together the bigger picture,
Urging me to believe,
I’m still fumbling with the pieces.
Looking for holes,
for the impossibilities.
And now as those pieces
slip into place,
Making my heart race,
I wonder if you know.
I wonder what picture you have before you,
and how different it is from mine.
And I wake each day believing those thoughts
will have gone away,
Knowing that they have no where to go,
They are as natural to me as breathing.
and I wonder what it is that you are seeing.

Be true,
I’ll listen to my feelings
No matter how confusing
Or overwhelming,
no matter if right now
They make absolutely no sense.
I’ll listen to my heart,
The way it beats when
I think of you,
The way it warms as I thaw,
The way you sit so comfortably
inside it.
I’ll listen to my instinct as it whispers
For me to tell you
My thoughts and my fantasies,
My strengths and weakness.
I’ll trust.
In you, in me, in the grand universe,
I’ll stand tall and proud
And accept it.
You are something to me.

I love you,
i love you as i love the sun and the moon
and the stars in the endless black sky,
I love you as i love the sea that ebbs and crashes upon the shore,
And the petals that fly and fall at my door.
I love you as i love the emerald sky,
and the rainbow that waves goodbye.
I love you.
I love you as I love the autunm leaves that fall to the ground,
as the world continuously spins round,
I love you,
I love you as I love myself,
I love you.

I sometimes wonder how deep into my mind I would let you wander if I took down my guard and removed my disguise.
Could I imagine waking next to you in the dead of night, would the shadows still call me to my feet.
Would I slip my fingers into yours as we lay happy in the silence.
I sometimes wonder how far in you truly are,
Deeper than i believe,
Deeper than i can see,
I think,
You have already,
Conquered,
Me.
Xxx.

When you first came into my world you were a muse of delight,
you inspired me to write,
Of the beauty I see,
Of the scars that are me.
You breathed light into the dark,
and dared me to reach up to the stars.
Your presence whispered in the shadows,
where the deep desire grows.
I connected with ease to the reactions of chemistry,
there lays,
always truth in desire,
And that i can trust,
The reactive words of lust.
And you do not lead the way,
Or tell me to stay,
Rooted to the spot,
You wander on ahead,
hoping instead,
That i’ll find my own way,
Intrigued by the prospect of play.
We can’t see our path,
it’s obscured from sight,
Sometimes clearing throughout the night.
I trust in the steps and not the journey,
I trust that as I grow,
The darkness will let go,
The path will clear,
As we get near,
And as we walk along
The battered trail,
I’ll succeed, i’ll fail,
I’ll learn,
And i’ll earn
Truth and trust
A lesson, that I know,
Is a must.

I’m sorry I could no longer bite my tongue,
I’m sorry, I went ahead and spoiled your fun.
I’m sorry you thought you’d have your cake,
and eat it,
I’m sorry I blew a fucking fit,
I’m sorry you don’t see my worth,
As you flirt with everything in a skirt,
I’m sorry you do not respect,
And for that, I hit eject.
I’m sorry you can’t have me,
When you asked to be set free.
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry you feel rejected,
I’m sorry, I feel disrespected.
I’m sorry you’re opting to sulk,
I know, its not the anticipatrd result.
I’m sorry that you thought you could,
Sorry that you thought you would.
I’m sorry it came to this,
It should have been bliss.
I’m sorry that I found my voice,
And made the choice,
So long after I should have.
I’m sorry,
Sorry, that I am not sorry for my angry words,
Sorry, that i’m not sorry for the girl,
Sorry, that im not sorry, I choose now,
To fight for me,
Sorry,
That i’m not sorry, that finally,
I was strong enough,
To set myself,
Free.

Another randon freewrite, sometimes it feels good to just simply write it all down and send it out into the world.
So, on Sunday i saw this great retail job advertised, fulltime, great job, interesting, working with people, and i thought, ok i could do that job. So i googled how to write a cv, an email cover letter and got too work. I couldn’t find a single word to write, so begged my creative muse to step in and help, and she did (thanks guardian angel!) I emailed it away, and thought ok, if i don’t hear back in four weeks, then they didn’t like my relaxed cv, i started the email cover letter with ‘I love people, and I love learning’ not very conventional, but sometimes you just have to let, you, spill onto the page. Well, the cv caught their eye, monday morning the guy rang me, in a panic i looked down at my phone, which was on silent (seriously, mr Tingle, you were the reason my phone was in my hand, had we not been ummm chatting, i eould not have seen that phonecall). So he asked me about my massive seven year gap in employment history, as a mum i know/ knew this would be a gap that haunted me. So I told him, I was pregnant, made redundant and made the most of it, I was a full time mum and studied for my degree. He then offered me an interview. I am sooii nervous, my last job I was head hunted for, the job before was a given because of my experience, the one before head hunted, which takes us way back to when I was 19, thats the last time I Had a proper interview. So i’ve researched the company, they employ based in personality, right now my personality feels very broken and out of sorts (your hubby wanting to get it on with a twenty year old has a way of doing that!). So i’m nervous, the interview is tommotroe morning, i want this job, i need this job, i need to get up onto my little fighting feet and prove i can cope, im a stubborn fucker and want hubby to know i can do this without him. I wany this job, but dear god i am scared!