Friday, June 18, 2010

While Jaroslav Halak being traded to the Blues was the major story yesterday, the majority of Habs and Hockey fans focused their attention on only half of the deal. Yes, Jaroslav Halak was the spark that ignited the Habs’ playoff run, and yes it is sad to see him go, but I think we’re focusing on the wrong side of the coin. What about Lars Eller and Ian Schultz? Everyone is so caught up in the fact that we traded Halak that nobody has even said a word about the two stallions we’ve received as compensation for the thoroughbred we sent packing.

It’s a good thing you checked in on Habs Laughs today, because we know all there is to know about Lars Eller and Ian Schultz.

Things You May Not Know About Lars Eller and Ian Schultz

-Eller is frequently mistaken at bars and airports for that dude from Metallica with a similar name.

-If you type ‘Ian Schultz’ in on Facebook it automatically takes you to the group ‘Illegitimate children of famous comic strip creators’

-Ian Schultz once bumped into Bob Gainey at a charity event. Bob tossed Schultz his keys and reminded him not to scratch his baby.

-Lars Eller is the ‘Dancing with the Stars: Denmark’ Champion.

-Ian Schultz dated Elisha Cuthbert before Sean Avery did.

-While visiting North America on a high school trip, Lars Eller was arrested after an altercation in a Bakery due to someone saying ‘I hate Danish, they’re disgusting’

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The apocalypse is upon us! Everyone raid your local Wal Mart for provisions, board up your bomb shelters, and start praying to jebus...because the Habs messiah has jumped ship. Guy Boucher has agreed to become the Head Coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning. You may be asking yourself ‘Tampa?...wait...TAMPA!?’ While Tampa might be a team with a solid core and ugly jerseys...to Boucher they are so much more. Here are some reasons why Boucher chose Tampa over the Habs and the Blue Jackets.

- If he fails, nobody will really notice.

- Owes Steve Yzerman a solid after a wild night in Cabo.

- Rick Nash once told him McGill wasn’t THAT good of a school.

- Lecavalier, St. Louis, Veilleux and Tanguay all told him that the media doesn’t hold them ‘extra accountable’ for being French Canadian. In fact, they haven’t been interviewed about a game in ages.

- A Stamkos autograph was promised to Boucher by Upper Management.

- Lafleur gets all depressed when the fans start chanting for a different ‘Guy’...that’s why they traded Latendresse and got rid of Carbonneau!

- Nationwide Arena still smells like Ken Hitchcock.

- He is convinced that he can get Steve Downie to get that Lobotomy.

- Being the Head coach of the only Hockey team in Ohio is just way too much pressure.

- Tampa used their recent cup win as an incentive to sign. Columbus promised Boucher that they would try to win the cup every year if he signed with them.

- Boucher is a huge Evan Longoria fan and the chances of meeting him just went up exponentially.

- He’s scared to find out what would happen when the Fans in Montreal realize that he’s not that good of a coach and that it was the immense talent of the Bulldog’s roster that was the reason for their success.

- Knows that if he has a bad season, nothing can compare to Tortorella.

- Pierre McGuire left him a threatening voice mail, telling him that the Montreal Coaching job is reserved for him when his elaborate plan to eradicate all of the Montreal Coaching staff comes to fruition.

- Like the rest of the world, he thinks that Lightning storms are freaking awesome.

- Much easier to manage his underground gambling ring from Tampa...nobody will notice if he does it from there.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

It was recently reported that the Habs relieved six of their scouts of their duties. While the move was made at an odd time, it is done (according to the report) and now we have 15 less scouts than Toronto. While Leafs fans are probably thinking ‘Hey we have more scouts than the Habs, we’re probably going to make the playoffs this year ’Habs fans are thinking ‘what has 24 scouts done for Toronto the past 6 years?’

The higher-ups either have some better scouts coming in or are looking to save some coin. For the sake of the blog we’ll go with the latter. I guess beer is moving slowly these days, Molson is looking to save money and I guess the future and development of the team has to suffer as a result. I’m sure he has some good reasons; I’ve got the top ten.

Top Ten Reasons Why The Habs Fired 6 Scouts

10. The league charges by the letter and after a while those Cammalleri jerseys can get pretty pricey. Why do you think they traded Latendresse?

6. Tomas Plekanec made a bet with Gainey before the season that he would score more points than Jarome Iginla, Mike Richards, Ryan Getzlaf and Jonathan Toews. After 20 minutes of laughing, Gainey laid the sum of 3 scout’s salaries on the line. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

5. Molson felt kind of bad about the first round upset, so he offered to pay for Eric Belanger’s dental bills.

4. It’s off the books, but someone has to pay for Sergei Kostitsyn’s Baby formula.

3. Nikki Yanofsky’s anthem appearances are like $20, 000 a pop

2. Contrary to popular belief, Marc-Andre Bergeron is not paying the Canadiens to play for them.