Thursday, 31 December 2015

Year In Review: 2015 - Where to begin?

It tends to be a yearly tradition now
where I make a blogpost on here about my year in a few hundred words, how I'm
able to do that I'm not sure. Here we go, it's a particularly soppy one this
year but I've been extremely soppy overall this year so it makes sense.

So 2015 has been a year that's changed
me, I say this every single bloody year but I think I have definite proof this
time. It's had its good & bad points. I came out as a bi-romantic asexual
so I basically announced that I'm not straight, I just love people. I faced
some really tough times that exhausted me both mentally & physically.
I went on a first date, something I thought would never happen. I became a
First Aider. I've shed so many tears that I've become permanently dehydrated. I
visited and discovered so many new places that became my little paradises to
escape to when times were tough. I moved into my first private flat with my
best friend. I decided to give up alcohol completely in May and it was the best
decision I've ever made. I found out my idols are not just a figment of my
imagination but they actually do exist. I've dealt with so much heartbreak this
year that my heart has run out of super-glue. I received my first
collection of fan mail. A childhood friend of mine sadly passed away
suddenly. And I finally found a place I want to live in the future, I've
decided that as soon as I can afford it, I'm living in Stonehaven. It was the
hardest year in terms of university and part time work combined, being
responsible for so many people's well-being and safety, dealing with
the aspect of losing close friends who gave me meaning in life was too
scary to write down in words. There was great pressure on me looking after and
making people happy, to achieve the best marks I possibly could in my degree
and gain respect as a responsible 21 year old in this big, terrifying world.

2015 was the year I really struggled
to accept and love people, it's always been hard with my social anxiety but
most importantly, it was so hard to be able to accept and love myself. It was
the year I met lots new people, some in situations I never thought would be
possible for me, yet I've already lost touch with most of them. But there have
been some dear people who have made me smile a lot and I can't thank them
enough. This year in particular, I lost someone who I thought was my best
friend, but after a horrible fallout, we've never been able
to re-patch things. It's a shame because I miss the fun and dear
times we had together, but because this person had hurt me so much, it set
my social anxiety on a whole new level, to the point where I tried to shut
everyone out so I wouldn't hurt anyone else.

It was the year where I had to confide
in my dear friends, Connie & Struan, to be there for me, with coming out as
bi & admitting I had depression/anxiety and needed help to keep on going.
So many times I thought I was going to lose them and thought I wasn't worthy
enough for them but they've always been there and I love them too much for
words, everyday I'm so grateful for the sunshine they bring through that small
window when it feels like I'm locked in a dark room with no way out. Coming to
terms with my sexuality took many days & nights, weeks, even months of just
crying to myself and trying to force myself to be straight and want sex. Now,
I'm at that stage where I want asexuality to be talked about a lot more in
LGBT communities across the world, discussed in sex education in
schools and in social media & I'm slowly accepting the fact that it's
just part of me. I have fallen for so many people this year, once again the
wrong ones for me for too many different reasons and my heart has taken a bit
of a beating but I'm still standing, just.

University work was extremely tough,
especially with the fact you were left to your own devices but I like to think
I've improved massively in my saxophone playing, especially receiving my new
horn, Candy, this summer. This next year is crucial and the pressure is fucking
scary! Wish me luck!

Now I'm happy to report that I have
achieved most of the goals I set for this year, as you know from previous
years, they're not resolutions but more ideas or ambitions I think could be
possible to do within the year.

1. Travel more, see more places in the
Aberdeenshire area in particular

I've been to the Royal Deeside, Slains
Castle/Cruden Bay, Dundee and my particular favourite place this year has been
Stonehaven, ever since my best friend Struan & I went for my 21st birthday,
it's been my sanctuary at an overwhelming, difficult time for me and I honestly
want to move there once I've done university/have a break for a year. There are
still a couple of places I need to explore but I've pretty much seen the main
areas in Aberdeenshire, which isn't just handy for my part time job but also
places to escape to after a particularly stressful time.

2. Stay strong, no matter how hard the
year gets, for my family's sake more than my own

My family and friends mean the
absolute world to me, and people often say I'm like a motherly figure to them,
so of course it upsets me that I often crumble myself. There have been several
times where I've cried myself to sleep or felt as if I was all alone, thanks to
the depression/anxiety that's built up a lot this year but all it takes is for
my best friends, Struan & Connie in particular, to text me or pull a silly
face or say they're here for me and it makes me laugh & smile again. So I
wouldn't have been as strong without them in my life. My cousins and younger
brother are still my inspiration and I want to be the role model they deserve
for them. And my parents show no bounds of stopping in terms of their support
for me, so I hope I'm doing them proud.

3. Take more photos of friends and
family. Keep the special people close to you as always.

I've taken some really lovely pictures
this year and now have a photo album which I bought from Paperchase (guilty
pleasure!) where I print photos and keep them inside. I have my favourite
selfies I've recently taken with Struan & Connie in December but have also
taken some pictures of the lovely places I've visited this year. Here are a
couple of my faves!

4. Keep
on working, girl! The next two years are crucial.

At the
end of 3rd year, I achieved 6 B's & 2 C's, and technically I have a degree
already, the final year is my honours year. For someone who's not a straight A
student, it's not that bad. It means I'm on my way to receiving a 2:1 with
honours, it's my target and I really don't want to fall at the last hurdle,
especially with all the incredible support so many people have given me. These
next six months are going to determine where my life will lead to next and I'm
petrified.

5.
Learn to cook different meals other than pasta

I can
make Diet Coke Chicken, curries, risotto, but I feel as if I've eaten more junk
food this year due to stress. It's something I definitely want to work on but
it may be after I've handed in my final university work before it happens, I
plan to stay in Aberdeen for another year with my flatmate Struan so we'll see
how we do, we like making dinner for each other in the flat so hopefully we'll
get some ideas flowing.

6.
Watch the films I haven't seen yet and have been told off for not seeing them
like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Iron Man etc

Funnily
enough, I've seen all three series I've mentioned this year. Struan watched the
6 Star Wars films with me in one weekend (so I bought him tickets to see the
new Star Wars with me, best friend points won I think!), I watched the 3 Lord
of the Rings films in a bundle (took forever), and saw the three Iron Man
films. I have seen quite a few films this year but I still have a long way to
go in terms of watching all the films on my list on my phone but I'm quietly
quite proud of myself!

So what
about 2016, what do I want to try and achieve in the next year?

1.
Receive a 2:1 at least in my Bachelor of Music undergraduate degree

2.
Start learning sign language at North East College in September

3. Take
a holiday somewhere with Struan & Connie, for their 21st birthdays & my
graduation.

4. Save
money for a flat in Stonehaven

5. Meet
Harriet & Shelley

6. Get
a Disclosure so I can work with children in the future

7. Fall
in love with the right person for once

8. Get
better. :)

So
there we go, another year done, I'll be honest, it wasn't easy and a lot more
sucky things have happened. But you have times that are not so good compared to
others and the good times I did have this year were amazing. Here's to 2016,
the year that is definitely going to change my life completely! To those
special people who I keep on mentioning, I wouldn't be here without you all in
my life, so I hope your support will carry on to the most important year of my
life so far because I need as many laughs as I can get. Hope everyone has a
safe and fun Hogmanay/New Year celebration, have a dram on me because I'm
alcohol free now. I'm also staying at home for Hogmanay/New Year as I'm
fighting off this cold, typical eh? Oh well, what can you do but just live with
it. Thank you for reading this mammoth of a post, love you in particular
because you've read the whole thing to the end, round of applause for you! Take
care everyone.