Musings on sharing my wife sexually with other men, my bisexual side, and about sex in general.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

All or Nothing

Sometimes it seems that I've enshrined Dee too much for my own good. I've tied my whole sense of happiness up in hers and in my relationship to her. A few days ago I lamented the seeming loss of things I used to do that were once fulfilling and fun and I blamed the time I spend online for their demise. While that's true, part of why I'm even more removed from them is simply because they don't involve Dee.

As a result of making her the primary focus of my life, when my wife is pissed off at me for something, my whole world tends to collapse in on itself. Even when I know that her ire will be a passing thing that will blow over in a day or two, I can't help but to feel that I'm totally adrift and lost in a purposeless existence.

It's probably not good to be like this - to be dependent on somebody so much even if it's the one person you love more than anybody else in the world. And yet, for as happy as I am most of the time, I think it's worth the price of being really, really down for the short periods when there's trouble in paradise.

I remember being so overwhelmed with these same feelings. I can't tell you exactly what I did to lessen the intensity of that feeling, but I can tell you what my motivation was: My wife was aware of the fact that I felt this way, and it really added a lot of pressure to her already-stress-filled life. It was doing us no good. I knew that going on that way was going to erode things eventually.

I'm not saying that the same will happen to you -- I'm sure many relationships can withstand this pressure. (I mean, you obviously love her deeply. That has to be better than the opposite, right?) But it's worth mentioning that, at least in our case, such feelings teetered toward the detrimental.

I'd be happy to talk about this more but I'm not sure how or what to say!