Mother Brain vs. Red Falcon

Mother Brain vs. Red Falcon

This is the classic duel between the heart
and the brain. This is a fight that every human being struggles with
every day, my brain says to do this but my heart is telling me
otherwise. What wins the majority of the time? The heart. Lets take a
look at the offense and defense. Mother Brain has a ton of defense,
which includes turrets and lasers shooting in every which direction, not
to mention a missile proof glass encasement that is very hard to bust
through. Her offense on the other hand is okay at best. Once you bust
through the glass you can just go to town on that giant pulsating brain
of hers.

Red Falcons defense is a bit nonexistent.
Itâs just a huge heart with giant spider aliens running âawayâ from it.
the spider aliens offer no help whatsoever. Now, how about that Red
Falcon offenseâ¦ there is none! Maybe Mother Brain and Red Falcon
shouldnât fight after all, They should just get together and form one
real bad space organ terrorist group. they will be called âThe Organ
Organization Of Intergalactic Space Terrorâ.

WINNER:

Mother Brain

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Zangief vs. Goro

Zangief vs. Goro

I know what youâre gonna say, âAll you have
to do is stay a good distance away from Goro and jump kickâem in the
faceâ. Thatâs all well and goodâ¦ if you can jump. Zangief jumps as well
as a 400 lb. white dude with one leg and two toes. For Zangief to have
any chance, heâs gonna have to get in close and pull off some âMMAâ type
moves and grapples. But, what happens when you get too close to Goro?
He grabs your waist and pummels the shit out of your face. Now that
Zangiefâs offense is thwarted, what else is left for him to do.

Zangief is too slow to run away and his
body is too big and bulky to post up a good defense. Goro, on the other
hand is surprisingly quick and his defense is superior to most because
of his extra set of arms. When Goro folds his arms itâs like a
forcefield made up of muscle and flesh.

WINNER:

Goro

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Guile vs. Guile (Van Damme)

Guile vs. Guile (Van Damme)

I have been dying to see this fight since
the original âStreet Fighterâ movie hit theaters. Back then, Van Damme
was the go to guy if you needed a well Choreographed ass kicking on
film. He was a pretty face with a dancers precision. Too bad this fight
isnât taking place in the real world. If Guile was a real dude, heâd be a
cross between âJack Bauerâ and âChuck Norrisâ. Guile could find âBin
Ladenâ in about 46 minutes and end the war on terror with one swift
flash kick to the face of our enemy. The fight would go like this. Guile
would be poised and ready to fight, anxious for the bell to ring.

Guile (Van Damme) would be poised and ready
for make-up. Guile would plan his first few moves before the fight even
begins. Guile (Van Damme) would be making a âmoveâ on the hottest girl
in the vicinity. The bell will ring and Guile moves in for attack. Guile
(Van Damme) waits for the director to yell âActionâ while he gets his
head kicked off by a lightning quick flashkick.

WINNER:

Guile

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Samus vs. Mega Man

Samus vs. Mega Man

I didnât know how I this fight should go
down. Were Mega Man and Samus gonna be fully powered up as if you were
playing their characters near the later stages of their respective
games? Or were they gonna fight with their powers minimized to their
bare bones? Then I thought, would I wanna see two boxers fight each
other without proper training? No, I wouldnât. What good is a fight if
the two combatants arenât granted their full arsenal. Letâs face it, at
full power, Samus stands no chance. Mega Man has way too many weapons to
defend against. Samus would be playing defense for the majority of the
fight.

But, then something interesting happens.
Samus rolls into a ball and starts bombing away. All Mega Man has to do
is steer clear of the bombs, but, that doesnât happen. Have you ever
noticed how Samusâs bombs look an awful lot like those little energy
balls that Mega Man eats for power? A confused Mega Man would begin to
eat these bombs out of confusion. Mega Man would then go on to literally
eat himself to death.

WINNER:

Samus

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Double Dragons vs Bad Dudes

Double Dragons vs Bad Dudes

This is the coolest fight on the board, two
Brothers fighting against their neighborhood gang and two partners
fighting their way through a horde of terrorist who kidnapped the
Presidents daughter. They meet in the middle and decide to beat the shit
out of each other. First, the Dragons grab some weapons off the floor
before they disappear into thin air. Then the Bad Dudes look at the
dragons with their arms crossed and say, âNope, we donât do weapons, we
use our fists!â. The Dragons graciously drop their weapons as a group of
local gang members and international terrorists storm the scene. The
Bad Dudes are now fighting back to back with the Dragons. It is an ass
kicking for all to behold. After all the enemies are dropped, the four
guyâs catch their breathe and decide to shake on it. But then Jimmy Lee,
(Billyâs evil twin) turns his back on his brother and joins the Bad
Dudes.

Now itâs a three on one and Billy goes down
for the count. The Bad Dudes then get some intel from a bloodied Billy
Lee just before he passes out from the beating of a lifetime. Billy
whispers this into the ears of the Bad Dudes, âJimmy is the one who
kidnapped the presidents daughterâ. As Billy passes out the Bad Dudes
yell out their iconic battle cry, âBad Dudesâ. They give each other a
high five and commence to kicking the ass of a red leather jacket clad
Jimmy Lee.

WINNER:

Bad Dudes

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Tyson vs. Balrog

Tyson vs. Balrog

At first glance you say, âTyson, no
contestâ, but letâs look at the facts. Balrog is a mini boss in a game
that features the best âfightersâ in the world who predominantly kick.
Balrog is so bad-ass that he doesnât need to kick at all. Tyson fights
the best âboxersâ in the world, but then gets beat by a five foot tall
white dude who wears a pink jumpsuit when he jogs. Now that all the
facts are out of the way, we can get to the fight. Tyson immediately goes
for the big score in the first round and connects with a huge uppercut.
Balrog goes down for the count. The referee is slow to get to the ten
count and Tyson is reminded of how the ref screwed him in his first loss
to Buster Douglas. Tyson is angered. Balrog gets up and goes on the
offensive. The two fighters battle it out for a couple of rounds. Tyson
grows tired of the constant barrage of headbutts.

As the fight goes on, Balrogâs headbutts
begin to add up and Tyson goes mad in the ring and sets up for the
biting ear attack. What Tyson doesnât know is that Balrog has fought
Blanka before and is well prepared for a biting attack from an opponent.
As Tyson steps in for the bite, Balrog dodges the attack and Tyson
severly chomps off his own tongue. Tyson is now confused and powerless.
Balrog then sizes up Tyson and lays the final blow with a huge âBootâ to
the balls. Thatâs right, Balrog finally kicked. And what a kick it was.
It sends Tysons voice from feminine to dog whistle in a matter of
seconds.

WINNER:

Balrog

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Alucard vs Dante

Alucard vs Dante

I have a hard time believing that these two
guys arenât related somehow. Devilishly good looking, a love for
colorful trench coats, long silky white hair, and a longing for
destroying demons of the underworld. If these two guys fought it would
be a spectacle to behold. At first you would think that Dante has the
edge because of his history of fighting demons the likes of Alucard.
Then you give the edge to Alucard because heâs an immortal vampire who
is extremely hard to kill. Enough talk, letâs get to the fight. Dante
senses that Alucard is a powerful demon who has evil blood coarsing
through his veins and decides to pull off a sneek attack on the Vampire.
Alucard immediately goes on the defensive by using magic blocks and
healing potions.

Alucard quickly deciphers that Dante is a
skilled demon hunter not different than the likes of the famed Belmont
vampire hunting clan. Alucard realizes he must play defense for he has
found a powerful ally in the fight against evil. Dante is confused by
Alucards non offensive approach and questions if he should be fighting
this demon in the first place. Dante stops the fight. The two then talk
it out and realize that they have a common enemy. They join forces and
combine their powers to become the most badass demon hunting team the
world has ever seen.

LOSER:

Demons

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Pac-man vs Q*Bert

Pac-man vs Q*Bert

Letâs face it, these guys shouldnât be
fighting. These guys should be sitting next to eachother at E3 signing
autographs and posing for pictures with the kiddies. These are two
timeless gaming icons that have brought hours upon hours of happiness to
our fragile childhoods in the 80âs. That is until sexy Ms.Pac-Man
arrives on the scene. Pac-Man is quickly reminded of how he lost his one
true love to the new guy at the arcadeâ¦ Q*bert. Thatâs right, when people got sick of Pac-Man, everyone turned their attention to an ugly
round jumping bitch with a huge noseâ¦ including Ms. Pac-Man. Q*bert and
Pac-Man patched things up a long time ago and they now laugh about their
pasts with the seductive yellow temptress. But after E3 is over and the
guys grab one too many brewskis at the local bar, the shit hits the
fan.

Q*bert angers Pac-Man by reminding him of
how he stuffed his huge orange nose into Ms.Pac-Mans tight yellow
vagina. Pac-Man breaks an empty beer bottle onto Q*berts soft furry
head. Q*bert bleeds profusely. Pac-Man is about to curb stomp on Q*berts
head but Q*bert quickly blurts out, âHey, look, itâs a ghostâ. Pac-Man
turns around only to be greeted with a bar-stool to the back of the
head. The police rush in and grab Q*bert. Pac-Man turns around and
evades the police while pulling out a gun. He shoots Q*bert right in the
head. Police tackle Pac-Man to the ground. Q*bert is pronounced dead on
the scene. Pac-Man is sentenced to life behind bars.