Given how
much I bitch and whine, Peggy might not realize that I try to
spare her from the worst of what I feel, but I can’t do it today. I had a
horrendous night last night that followed a day spent trying to recover from another
bad night. Dilaudid didn’t help, so I lay awake for hours and I am just about
through the roof right now. I smoked some pot an hour ago hoping it would help,
but unlike yesterday, I’m experiencing something similar to a bad acid trip. I
feel like I’m caught in a nightmare, and I don’t have the strength to find
peace in the storm. I work everyday to stay calm and hopeful, but when I’m
really hurting, really exhausted, and really without any means to control the
pain without knocking myself out, I just can’t find it in me. I’m
unfit for anything but to shake and cry, yet, there’s something here for me. I
know it, but I can't find it even after years of looking.... I've heard enough Mary Wells and going to listen to some Goulet. Before marijuana, I didn't care about music. Now, it's one of my main comforts, it and plants.