Twitter Pitch (140 characters max): Prankster sumo wrestler, exiled to temple in Japanese Alps, must take grief seriously to save 12 children cursed to dance from dusk to dawn.

1st 250 words of opening: After Mokurai arrived at the sumo stable, his headmaster learned to look sideways at him whenever anything embarrassing happened, even if it seemed there was no way Mokurai could be involved.

Now, at sixteen, Mokurai was fiercer in the sumo ring than he used to be, but he still liked to clown around outside it. His only disappointment was that other people couldn’t take a joke as well as he could. So on the last day of the Spring Tournament, Mokurai decided that if he won his final match he would congratulate himself with his most ambitious prank yet: he would catch half a dozen giant sparrow bees and hide them in the training arena.

The Spring Tournament had already raged for thirteen days in an open-air stadium at Ekōin Temple, east of the Sumida River on the outskirts of Tokyo. On the final morning, the skies were grey streaked with bronze. Cherry trees showered white petals on the rundown temple and its neighboring streets as Mokurai exited the sumo stable.

Hair oiled and pinned in the tight chonmage topknot of a junior wrestler, Mokurai balanced his massive body over unadorned wooden clogs. His right hand gripped a cloth bundle with his mawashi wrestling belt, ceremonial apron, and other necessary items for the day. Over white undergarments he wore a plain cotton yukata robe stamped with cranes. As he walked over a canal bridge to the temple, his size gave him an unavoidable swagger, but his face was cheerful.

Synopsis (200 word max): Junior sumo wrestler Mokurai loves pranks, especially pranks that punish bullies. When he wins his division in the Spring 1869 Tournament, he rewards himself by taking glorious revenge on a bullying older wrestler who has tortured him for four years. Unfortunately, it also leads to expulsion from the sumo stable. His embarrassed uncle banishes him to a temple in the Japanese Alps.

In another part of the Alps, overwhelmed by grief at the death of his little brother, a farmer’s son named Seiya steals his brother’s funerary tablet. This unleashes a curse on Seiya and his remaining siblings that forces them to dance from dusk to dawn. Seiya won’t return the tablet, though, because he feels betrayed by how his family handled his brother’s death. After every other intervention fails, the village exiles Seiya and his siblings to prevent the curse from spreading.

Thrown together in the isolated Little Todai Temple, Seiya and Mokurai clash at every turn. Seiya, still heartbroken over his brother, can’t tolerate Mokurai’s pranks and teasing. Mokurai wants to teach Seiya how to laugh again, but he’ll have to learn how to take grief seriously if he wants to break the curse.

Feedback tips (any areas where you specifically want people to focus?): Thank you for any feedback you have for me! I’d be grateful to hear broad feedback — Would you read this book if you saw it on the shelf? What do you find attractive, or not? — and also any nitpicky details about the wording itself.

Your concept is very unique and would appeal to the YA audience. The idea that Mokurai will celebrate winning by releasing giant sparrow bees which will help increase others’ sense of humor , makes me think it may have the opposite effect when people get stung. In the first 250, Mokurai’s empathy for others seems lacking. But this is him at the beginning, and you suggest that he must learn to understand grief before he can stop the curse.

In the synopsis, I don’t know if the name of the river and city matter too much. I think focusing on the old temple is all that’s needed. I like your description of the cherry trees, his physical appearance and clothes he carries are great details. To show he has the potential for empathy and not just humor, I wonder if you could have him have a brief encounter a child early on, who is hurt or needs help, to show he will help him? May make him a more likable character?

I think your premise is very unique and would reflect the Japanese culture.

Also the curse on the children: It sure isn’t good that they have to dance from sunup to sun down, but to make it more urgent, could you suggest that they starve to death and eventually die, or some other terrible result?

I read & commented on your story last week. I still love the characters and ideas –
what a wonderful idea and one that should stand out on the shelves. Coming back to it, it felt like it flowed even better so I’m guessing you did even more work since I last read. I agree with others that a bit of dialogue to break things up and opening action may work well, especially for younger readers. I’m not sure what else I can offer to help that hasn’t been said. But, I can say I am intrigued by the story idea. Even with this short detail I get the feeling that I’d enjoy following these strong characters on their adventures. An enjoyable entry 🙂

I cant get over the title! Its so unusual and unique. I thin k you’ve nailed your pitch – all the elements come across. Wahoo!

“Mokurai decided that if he won his final match he would congratulate himself with his most ambitious prank yet: ” you don’t need the ‘that’. Im prone to this too. I’d do a find on your MS and take out as many as you can!

The voice of you MC comes across so well. Well done.! His mischievousness comes across right away.

The synopsis is concise with clear hooks and obstacles. I think your plot is really intriguing and I’m going to stop now as I don’t know how to make it any better! Lol!

Thanks, James! I’ve got to keep playing around with that opening action… Hm. I want to sneak that mention of his planned prank right up at the top of the first page somewhere so readers have something fun to anticipate, but I appreciate that seeing Mokurai right off the bat appeals to so many people.

Sounds fresh and original! Agree with the others about starting with the action. Love the details, you have obviously done your research. Thought the synopsis was very clear and packed in loads of info about the characters’ journeys, both internal and external X

It’s a relief to hear that the internal and external journeys are both coming through in the synopsis! This story does depend a lot more on inner change than other stories I’ve written in the past, which is pretty intimidating.

Thank you for all these wonderful comments and feedback, everyone! Wow! So many new ones since I last checked! I was experimenting with beginning this novel similar in tone to books like BOCCHAN by Soseki, but it sounds like most of you would vote for jumping straight into the action. Good to know!

I like your story concept and feel you have openned intrique. Along with most I too would think about realigning the opening paragraphs. Not knowing he’s a prankster, wiithout reading tweets or synopsis Why would the headmaster look sideways at him…. Step back think first time reading, Cps and betas will still help.

I don’t know if this is based on an old Japanese legend, or if it’s a totally original tale, but it seems unique and memorable – nice to read something so different.

As others have mentioned, your opening paragraphs are backstory-heavy. I would consider starting with your 4th para (“Hair oiled and pinned…”) follow with 3rd para (“The Spring Tournament…”) and drip-feeding the info from the first two paragraphs in via dialogue, etc, over the course of the chapter.

I thought the synopsis was good though. Very clear and logical progression, and you handled the two boys’ separate storylines well.

Hi! I love the story you have set up. It is brilliant to put these two characters, a prankster and a grieving boy, together and explore how the relationship will change them. The setting and the curse are unique and compelling elements.

I agree with others about weaving in backstory and starting with action. As others suggested, you might get right into the prank. Looking at your synopsis, another option might be to start with an example of the older wrestler bullying him. If you really want to start with the final day of the tournament, you might cut the first two paragraphs, and “show” his headmaster look at him sideways at some point. Mokurai could then have some inner thought about winning and how he plans to reward himself as he actively prepares for the match.

I really like this concept. Your synopsis presents a story which seems to be both heartfelt and –
for me, at least – exotic.
Your writing is great, but I would consider starting the story with Mokurai setting up the prank which has him expelled from the sumo stable and rather weave the backstory in the first paragraphs later.

What great character Mokurai is, I liked him immediately. The details about his bulky physicality in contrast with the delicate cherry blossom and the cranes on his robe give your opening wonderful texture. Do you need the opening para? I want to get straight into what Mokurai is up to!

Hi Cassandra,
Really like your sumo concept. Could you inject some dialogue in this opening and/or show us Mokurai setting up his prank? Love the dancing curse ! Do the sumos get afflicted with dancing too?

Hi! I love your descriptions of Japan and nature, and learning about the rituals the Samurai held; oiling the hair in a specific style. Also, I would for sure read on, because I am so interested in your use of the dual POV and how the Mokurai and Seiya meet up and what happens!

Thank you, Verna! This is such encouraging feedback to hear. The dual POV has been a challenge for me with this book, and I almost shared Seiya’s opening 250 words instead. They are very different personalities!

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The home of The Scribblers – a group of writers on a whirlwind adventure from slush pile to publication – from slush to lush! The Scribblers are a group of writers who first met on the CBC Online Writing for Children Course with Catherine Johnson in Autumn 2015.