Jeez. I don’t even know where or what to start with. I haven’t written in so long and so much has been going on. I have this tendancy to think every single damn detail of what’s been happening is crucial to share… it irritates most people and I used to think it was just one of my little annoying traits. Turns out, my therapist says it is PTSD related. My brain can’t tell the difference between essential and non-essential information. So, bear with me.

I’ve been keeping my distance from WP because there were some big changes happening in my life, new realizations and issues, and it all was just too overwhelming and sometimes painful to deal with long enough to write about it. But I love my blog, I love the people here, and it’s time to get back… tonight I decided, no time like the present.

I’ve written before about wanting to have kids but being unsure about many things in that regard due to my health. Sorry if I repeat any health info, but I can’t remember right now what I’d shared and what I hadn’t. Shortly after my surgery last year to have my illeostomy, I noticed my periods were abnormal and extremely painful. I went to the OB/GYN here, and after some ultrasounds and MRIs she told me my fallopian tubes were about 5 times too large. There was inflammation and some other things going on that basically meant the ONLY way I could possibly get pregnant was if the tubes came out, then we would have to try IVF. But the advice, because of my previous difficult surgeries, was to have a complete hysterectomy when I had surgery. There was no rush… I had time to consider some things.

A very dear friend of mine had offered to be a surrogate if I needed. We already knew pregnancy would be difficult because of the continuing health issues and all the scar tissue. So at this point, it became sort of the plan. Both my husband and I felt though, that I had to have some improvement in my mental and physical health before we jumped into anything. I’d looked at the numbers and I knew the cost of surrogacy would be an issue… but I clung to it anyway… because it just had to work out. I could not imagine what my life and future would be without having a family. And I wasn’t going to let money be the thing that kept me from it.

I was positive that with this plan, I’d get my damn butt off the couch and start to take care of life so that I could prove I could take care of a kid. It seemed so obvious to me that if I wanted that the most, then it would be enough to overcome the difficulties I was feeling just with day to day life. But it didn’t really work that way. For months I sat surrounded with the same mess everyday telling myself I was going to get it together. In the mean time, my periods got much worse, and so did my IBD.

I now have small bowel inflammation, though they don’t know for sure if it’s Crohn’s. But I had to go back on Humira, and I started on Imuran (now I’m on 6mp)… these are chemo-type drugs and they warn extensively against getting pregnant. But the drs said I should still be able to do IVF with the surrogate. So I clung to it. But as time passed and I watched my sister take care of her two daughters… as I tried to keep up with my neices for just a weekend at a time… I finally had to accept some things. I wasn’t any closer to feeling healthy enough to take care of a baby, and the reality was that we were never going to be able to afford it. And I realized at the same time that I had always known this… I’d just been unable to face it.

So we came to a decision that it was time to have the hysterectomy. If I ever get as healthy as I’d like, then adoption may be in our future… but right now… it’s out of my hands. I hated making the decision, but also knew without a doubt it was the right one.

Still… I grieved.

I had my hysterectory Oct 21st. I was DETERMINED to be out of the hospital in 9 days or less. I had already gotten tickets to see Bo Burnham in SLC on the 31st and I had been looking forward to it for MONTHS. No way was I going to miss this show. And the drs were sure it would be a 2-3 days stay… hmm but guess what.

My colorectal surgeon always referrs to my abdomen as being a very “hostile” environment. They had 6 HOURS scheduled for my surgery because based on previous experience, she (my CRS assisted) expected to have to remove a lot of scar tissue. It was still a mess in there, but they finished in 4 hours, so that was good. And I was doing really well for the first few days. Then, the night before I was supposed to be released, all hell broke loose. I was up ALL night throwing up. I don’t think I have ever in my life thrown up that much. It just kept coming. I didn’t sleep at all (neither did my poor husband!). And it just kept going. After that night, I couldn’t even keep the clear liquid diet down. I’d developed what they call a post op ileus. Which basically means my digestive system shutdown. Not really a huge surprise. 6th surgery in 4 years and they’ve all followed this pattern, worse each time. HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT! (There were actually a lot of nightmarish aspects to this hospital stay but I’m not going to get into it all.) Bottom line- I did get released on the 31st… but I still couldn’t eat or drink and hadn’t in days. They sent me home on TPN- which is basically a “portable” IV (a PICC line) to “feed” me all my calories and such.

Needless to say I missed Bo Burnham.

I actually just came off TPN a couple of days ago. Still having trouble eating regularly, but we decided it was time to try it. Doing ok so far, still taking lots of nausea meds, sleeping a lot, etc. But the last 2 months have completely passed me by. I feel kind of lost right now. I’ve been trying to catch up on other people’s blogs… but I still get really overwhelmed easy. So, I’m sorry for such an extended absence. I know it’s understandable, but I’m sorry for myself and all I have missed. Gonna try to be back more often though. (I know, I say this a lot… Doing my best!)

Still so fucking sad I didn’t get to see Bo. I think that depresses me more than any thing else about that hospital stay. Oh fucking well. (I added that last fuck for you CC! haha)

And damn, if that’s not good advice. But… it’s not really working. I think I found a more appropriate description to how I feel these days….

(Watch the video, read the lyrics and watch it one more time. You think this bit is about comedy, but the whole damn thing is much, much deeper and I think every word is a metaphor for something else…)

It takes a couple minutes into the song, but this is what my burrito is like these days:

Lyrics by Bo Burnham

Can I say my shit? Can I say my shit? I’ve got lots of shit to say I’ve got lots of shit to say I can’t fit my hand inside a pringle can I have a huge amount of trouble Fitting my hand inside a pringle can I can get my hand like four inches in But then I have to tilt the can into my mouth But then a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can So they all go spilling onto my face What I’m trying to say is that the diameter Of pringle cans are way too small I’ll say it again The diameter of a pringle can is way too small Two raidiuses of a pringle can is way too small If you feel me, put your hands up Come on! If you feel me, put your hands up Look at all these hands that are way too big to fit inside a pringle can Those hands are too big to fit inside a pringle can Your hands are too big to fit inside a pringle can You think you can, I know you can Pringles! Listen to the people, I am sure ninety percent of the complaint letters you get Are about the fucking width of your cans We’re not animals Okay, I’ve overdone the pringles thing Sorry I want to have a daughter I want to have a daughter So I can finally have someone around the house who can fit their hands Into pringle cans Yes, I’m still on the pringle cans thing! I will move on, alright? But that is priority numbero uno I don’t go to the gym Because I’m self concious about my body But I’m self concious about my body because I don’t go to the gym Isn’t that- That’s irony Irony can be painful Alright, let’s do this Let’s do this! I went to Chipotle I went to Chipotle And I got myself a chicken burrito I went down the line, and I got all these ingredients And at the end of the line The guy tried to wrap the burrito But half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out I was like, dude you should have warned me! You’re a burrito expert You should have told me halfway through! Hey, man. You might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here Do you fucking think I want a messy burrito? No one wants a messy burrito The whole appeal of the burrito is that all of the ingredients are contained Within the confines of the tortilla I wouldn’t have gotten half of the shit if I knew it wasn’t gonna fit inside it! Alright? I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t have got Half of it I’m okay with small mistakes If you’ve got no more chicken, I’ll take pork But I’ll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t have got half of it right Half of it right Half of it right Half of it right now I think it’s time I Think it’s time I think we’ll break it down

Put the lotion in the basket No, they’re too young I can sit here and pretend Like my biggest problems are Pringle cans And burritos But the truth is, my biggest problem is you I want to please you But I want to stay true to myself I want to give you the night out that you deserve But I want to say what I think And not care what you think about it Part of me loves you Part of me hates you Part of me needs you Part of me fears you And I don’t think that I can handle this right now I don’t think that I can handle this right now I don’t think that I can handle this right now

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2] They don’t even know the half of this right now Look at them, they’re just staring at me Like come and watch the Skinny kid with a Steadily declining mental health And laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2] They don’t even know the half of this right now They don’t even know the half of it But I know I’m not a doctor I’m a pussy who puts On a silly show So I should probably just shut up And do my job So here I go

I wouldn’t of got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the cheese if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got the peppers if I knew it wouldn’t fit I wouldn’t of got half You can tell them anything if You just make it funny Make it rhyme If they still don’t understand you Then you Run it one more time

I don’t think that I can handle this right now. [x2] If you think that I can handle this right now Then you don’t even know the half of this right now Right now Now Handle this right Handle this right Handle this right now

I feel like I’ve been a terrible friend here online, so I’m sorry. I love all of you who I have talked with here online. Those of you who have shared such personal pieces of yourself… I feel like you deserve more from me, especially when you have given me so much by reading and support me! I know you know I’m doing the best I can right now, but I still feel the need to acknowledge it. Just a week and a half ago, I got introduced to some really great stuff by CC and Alex over at https://ccchanel41.wordpress.com/ (Refractory Ramblings from the Darkside). Both things have totally gone into my coping strategies toolbox.

First, Bo Burnham and “What.” is the most genius things I’ve seen in a while. Laughter and truth all in one. https://youtu.be/ejc5zic4q2A His show is free on Youtube and Netflix. It’s totally NSFW but watch when you can because it’s brilliant and I’ve watched it like 5 times in the last 8 days, hahah. I feel bad for the people (who are too too many) I can’t share it with because of content. They are missing something awesome.

Second? Amanda Palmer. How did I not know this woman existed??? In the hours I haven’t been watching Bo Burnham, she’s been playing 24/7. I love music of all kinds. I communicate and find places where my feelings exist in music very often, but there are only a few who just bring the feels with every word. Even when I don’t know what she’s referring to, the emotion is still there and it’s just wrapped itself around my heart! I can’t even describe it. I could share any number of her songs here, but the one that’s really gotten too me the last few days is “Trout Heart Replica.”

At first, the lyrics that caught me were:

And killing things is not so hard It’s hurting that’s the hardest part And when the wizard gets to me I’m asking for a smaller heart

And then one day…

And the butcher stops and winds his watch and lays their lives down on the blockHe raises up his hatchet and the big hand strikes a compromiseWait, we’ll trade youWaitPlease just one more dayAnd then we’ll go with no complainingNo complainingNo complainingNo complaining

And holy shit. I remembered that feeling. The “butcher” holding me down with a knife, and all I could think was Wait… Just one more day…Please just one more day. And now the whole song takes even more meaning and a new feeling and I just keep listening to it.

And killing things is not so hard It’s hurting that’s the hardest part And when the wizard gets to me I’m asking for a smaller heart And if he tells me “no” I’ll hold my breath until I hit the floor Eventually I’m know I’m doomed To get what I am asking for…

I’ve never been able to put such accurate words to the way I feel. Smaller heart? YES PLEASE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So much about this song!

So I actually have a lot of life stuff to write about… but I keep avoiding it, so I’m starting easy today. Maybe I will try again tomorrow to write about what’s been up. ‘Cause this brain needs to dump. Room is very scarce for anything else.

Hope you love Bo and Amanda as much as I do now. And as much as I love you all.

#AlwaysKeepFighting (yes, I will keep using this hashtag on posts because its something I am desperately taking to heart and I need the constant reminder myself.)

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying', and if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did'." ~ Jack Handey