Donald Sanders

All I want for Christmas is…

Now that Thanksgiving is over and done, it’s time to get serious about deciding what I’m gonna get for Christmas. I started thinking about it almost eight months ago on the morning of the Fourth of July at precisely 8 a.m.

When I’m about to start thinking, I usually have a little ceremony to kick things off, kinda proper like. This time it was no different, so I looked around the kitchen for some refreshments for a toast to “thinkin’ time!” All I could find was an open bottle of Turkovich wine. It would have to do.

I was almost thinkin’, so I hurried up, got a glass and poured the sweet nectar into said glass, only to find that what came out would barely fill a thimble. I was sipping that wine and trying to stick my tongue in to lick the last few drops from the bottom of the aforementioned glass when all of a sudden — “POP” — I had my first thought: “Dangit, why didn’t I use a short glass!”

Within just a few minutes, I finally got all the wine out of the glass and it dawned on me what I want for Christmas! The more thoughts I had about it, the more I wanted it, the more I had to have it! I was surprised that it only took a few quick thoughts because it usually takes 30 or so before I can make any kind of decision. One minute I was thinking, “What do I want for Christmas more than anything in the world?” A couple of minutes later, I knew just exactly what I wanted, and thinkin’ time was over.

I want the Turkovich Winery! I really, really, really want it. I’ll bet it would be so easy to buy the whole place, grapes and all. They probably don’t even want it anymore. I’ve never met Old Man Turkovich but it says on the bottle that he has been at it for three generations. So what is that, 70 or 80 years? He’s probably so tired and worried that he might have to work another generation before he can retire. Soooo, I’m gonna make them an offer and then wait and see how that goes.

I never wanted to buy a winery before but I gotta have this one. I wouldn’t change a thing except I’d change the name to Sanders & Turkovich Wine. Of course I’d have to have my picture on every bottle. I’m thinking that even if I don’t get to buy it, they’ll want to put my picture in the label anyway. That’s called wise packaging.

If Old Man Turkovich will sell me the winery, I’d drink a bottle of wine for breakfast, then I would count all my money and then drink another bottle. Then I would go back to bed at about 10 a.m. and then I’d get back up at 6 p.m. and have another bottle with dinner. Yeah, I’d have a wine dinner! I don’t need no stinkin’ food!

First thing I would do is let the old guy know that he could still help around the place because I really like the way he makes wine. As a matter of fact, my wife Therese is a Turkovich Wine groupie! She went so far as to join a club that drinks wine and I’ve never seen her do that before. There must be a thousand people in that wine club because Therese comes home with only three or four bottles.

The sad thing about that is I’m lucky to get a thimble full after Therese gets done with it. That Turkovich guy is pretty smart to make his own club. I’ll bet he is the CEO or president of his wine club so he can pay himself another salary. Yeah, I better buy the wine club too.

I’ll bet they are constantly running out of wine with so many people in the club plus all the people that just walk in off the street. When I own the winery, I’m gonna make all those people that aren’t in the club take a number from one of those little number thingies that sit on the counter. Then I can say, “Number 32!” Then I’ll skip a number to see how they react, “Number 35!” “Number 35!”

So now all I have to do is find out where the old man lives and walk up his driveway with a bucket full of crisp $20 bills! I’ll wear some fancy clothes and a big white hat. I’ve never seen the old guy but I heard he is eight feet tall and shoots fire out of his eyes. That’s kinda scary but I just gotta have that winery!