A Change Is Growing

3-7-00. The start of Something New Journal. 22 years old. I feel as if my life is on a painful replay. I want to change. I feel the change within me. However, the change feels so far out of reach. The weird thing is I feel something is holding me back, preventing me from living the life I want; a life of love. It’s almost as if I have an angel and a devil living on my shoulders and once one of them says something to get me thinking about going in one direction, the other says something which causes me to stay back. There is no movement in one or the other direction but rather a ‘sitting on the fence’ approach. In the meantime, I am feeling as if change is passing me by and I’m watching it without making decisions to be a part of change. And then there is the physical me stuck in the middle not knowing what to do. I want to share my life with someone. I know how bad it feels to be alone and I want to be in love while I can, while I have the physical strength to do so. But a part of me is afraid of my body getting worse and then no one will be there to love me. This would be the greatest downfall in my life, not having someone there to tell me it will be okay even though I know it won’t be but would like to think so; to not have someone there to believe in me, to give me a reason to keep fighting and not give up. This is why I want a lasting relationship, so I don’t feel alone.