Journalists of the World: “Bless You, Kate Middleton, for Delivering on a Workday”

Kate Middleton, ever the class-act, kindly waited until Monday morning E.S.T. to begin delivering her first child. This means that journalists on the royal beat were not roused from their out-of-city summer weekends; troops of reporters embedded outside St. Mary’s hospital have a pull-out date in sight; and editors at deadtree dailies have more than enough time to craft well-worded of headlines for tomorrow’s front page. Similar to Diana, that Kate truly is a people’s princess—except in this case the “people” are drunk, perpetually exhausted, and rapacious self-obsessed journalists.

The Duchess of Cambridge’s nascent delivery surely ranks amongst the most conveniently timed pregnancies in history. What follows is an incomplete list of such events—“incomplete” because journalists, as we said, are perpetually exhausted and impatient and it is “pre-coffee” hour back here in the Colonies. Without further delay, Convenient Pregnancies Throughout History:

Conception immediately after your younger sister conceives.

Conception directly after receiving a Barnes & Noble gift certificate from an older relative. (Fantastic, now you can just load up on baby books because at this point you were close to Googling whether that thing worked at the in-store Starbucks!)

Conception right before that friend whom you suspect has covert plans to “steal” the baby name that you had called dibs on during your early twenties gets pregnant herself. [“Candy Warhol” is mine, you sick vultures. Back off. –Ed.]

Conception when your relationship is going . . . you know, not great, but just . . . makes horizontal line with hand.

Conception about two months before an inexplicable puffiness and moodiness creeps in.

Delivery about two years before the release of a new Pixar movie. That’s at least one trip to the movies in which you will not be dragged to see the inevitable Smurfs 3: Tokyo Drift.