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Forgiveness

There are times in our lives when we are surrounded by people we feel connected to. Over the years these relationships can change. The ones that affect us most are usually the ones within our family. In most cases, no matter what whey will always be in our lives. However, not everyone feels safe within the family environment.

The same issues can arise within our friend groups, work or any situation that involves interactions with others. Above all else you should feel safe and grounded. If you have begun to recognise there are certain people that make you feel very ungrounded or uneasy I invite you to trust that feeling. Begin working towards what you need to feel better in yourself when you are around this type of energy.

What can you do?

It’s important that you acknowledge these feelings and if you can, try to understand what they are connected too.

Before meeting with these people take a few slow deep breaths and envision a bright light emanating from your heart or stomach. With every inhale and exhale it gets brighter and surrounds you.

This light will project from the things they say or the things they don’t.

Don’t spend too much time in their presence.

Stick to your boundaries. Only give them the amount of time you can without leaving you overly effected.

Don’t bite the hook. Without trying there are many people who know exactly how to draw us in. Allow them to fish all day without you biting and that will help stop the cycle of reactions.

You will being to realise that in most of these interactions it is both parties that causes the cycle to continue. You can only control you. Stop allowing them to have the power and choose to feel grounded and centred in yourself.

“Standing up for yourself doesn’t always involve verbal confrontation. Sometimes it’s about not wasting energy on people who are negative.” Sherry Argov

Today marks my blog-a-versary. Sounds like a made up name you say? You are correct, I made it up. But it’s my blog-a-versary I can do what I like! A year ago today the blog began and within that year I feel there have been many positives. I was published numerous times, lovely changes have occurred within my professional and personal life AND I have been able to regularly communicate with all of you.

Thanks to this blog I can easily look back at the last year. How often do you allow yourself a chance to look at the positive events that have occurred for you? We can often get stuck in a rut seeing only the negative, or only counting major successes. Do you find it easier to focus on personal failures? Forgetting all the times you succeeded?

If you find it easier to locate your flaws, please don’t berate yourself about being negative. Just become aware of it. A year from today you may notice this is when things started to change. You recognised that you deserve the same compassion you show to others. Start acknowledging your successes, no matter how small you feel they may be.

Did you finally finish that project you started years ago = success

Did you keep your cool when your kids/partner/parent was driving you bananas = success

Were you able to show kindness to a stranger for nothing in return = success

Today is your blog-a-versary as well. Celebrate your month, your year, your life. You made it this far didn’t you? And I am sure that was no easy feat.

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” – Gautama Buddha

Due to the format I’ve chosen for this site all the titles are in caps. This often can look as if you are being yelled the subject. In most cases that is not my intention. However, this time I would like you to hear the title as a loud voice in your head. A mantra you remember again and again, especially when you’re being treated in a way you do not deserve.

It seems as though many people feel that overall happiness is make believe or unattainable. If you believe that then of course you aren’t feeling fulfilled.

There are many things in our culture that seem to be taken as truth and no one questions:

Everyone is unhappy in their job

Relationships are hard

Life is all about struggle and is always difficult

The stories we tell ourselves are powerful and whether you believe it or not, they shape our reality. If all you see is struggle and strife, all you experience is struggle and strife.

Not everyone is unhappy in their jobs. Our culture places a lot of emphasis (maybe too much) on work. There’s an unwritten rule that we should live to work, not work to live. Why do we buy into that? It’s not worth it, dreading going into work everyday. Quitting in many cases is not an option so here are some tips on how to better enjoy your job.

Relationships can have rough spots but they shouldn’t always be difficult. It can be scary to examine a relationship but maybe it’s time if you are feeling unhappy.

Life can be full of difficult times but it does not have to always be that way. Loss and grief are terrible things to endure but don’t let them take you over. There are so many parts to you. You are not just your struggles.

If you want to read more on why you shouldn’t settle in life have a read here and here.

Start telling yourself that you deserve happiness and joy and be sure to settle for nothing less.

“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela

Guilt is one of those emotions that can often make us do things we don’t want too. It’s usually paired with ‘I should be doing this’ or ‘I shouldn’t be doing that’.

Letting ourselves be controlled by guilt can lead to feelings of unhappiness. If you’re doing things out of obligation it’s difficult to enjoy yourself. Or if you’re beating yourself up from something that happened in the past it’s impossible to be in the present.

There are many facets of guilt, you can feel guilty because you:

Did something wrong

Think you did something wrong

Didn’t do something that you should have

Were told you did something that hurt someone else

This list goes on.

You’re feeling the way you’re feeling because guilt is linked to shame. Shame is a very difficult and vulnerable space. It’s defined as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress, caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour. Shame is something we find at a young age which means it’s hard to let go of. However, there are things you can do to help you with your guilty conscience.

Wiki How has some suggestions to help you deal with guilt, including recognising if you should be feeling guilty in the first place.

If you have wronged someone then you need to accept that and try to fix what has happened. If that’s not possible then you need to learn from what you did and make sure it doesn’t happen again. If you aren’t learning from the behaviour then the guilt will stick. If you want to learn about how to deal with your guilt, there are more tips here.

I also recommend looking at the things you do in your life for you and the things you do out of guilt. Start doing more for you and less for guilt. Don’t go visit your angry father because you feel a duty too. You’re just giving the guilt the power and taking power away from yourself. Why do you deserve to be in pain to make someone else feel better?

It’s important to remember that guilt like every other emotion is a choice, a decision made. Not an easy choice but you are the only one that controls how you react in a situation. Decide you won’t let guilt call the shots anymore and untie that knot in your belly.

“There’s no problem so awful, that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse.” – Bill Watterson

‘But in my heart I was given a choice. There were two ways of looking at the situation, one would lead to despair and darkness and the other to light and peace of mind. I took the road of light. It was an instant decision, a moment of opportunity and grace.’

The above quote is Dave Dineen from Cork, he was a victim of multiple forms of abuse from his mother and brother. After not seeing his brother for many years he assumed when he did, he would want to kill him. However, something else came over him and like he said, he chose the light. His story of forgiveness is an amazing one, read all about it here.

Forgiveness can be very difficult and in Dave’s case it is incredible. When I hear of amazing examples of forgiveness I often ask myself, could I do the same?

To help myself with forgiveness I like to remember that I have a choice. If something terrible has happened, the only thing you cancontrol is how you react to it. If I get rear-ended by another driver, I can loose my mind. Or I can be grateful that I am in one piece and that accidents happen.

If you are looking for steps to help you work on forgiveness this site has great suggestions. For example, living a happy life is great revenge for those who hurt you. And learning that the Aramaic word for forgive means to ‘untie’. You are loosening the hold that this other person had over you. With forgiveness you take back the control for your own well being.

If you aren’t ready to forgive quite yet then just remind yourself you are the one choosing to feel this way. The more empowered you feel, the less power you’ll want to give away.

“The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.” – John Green