Sorry to hear about the recent ghoulishness. You’re not the first person to ask me about this – though you are the first to do it on what appears to be cardboard. Everything all right over there, Jim?

Anyway, here’s the deal.

Libraries are a little freaky because they are — haunted by the ghosts of wannabe writers.

Let me give you a moment for that to sink in.

Ready?

Okay, let’s keep going.

Every literary wannabe, at some time or another, sat in a library, looked around at all the great works that have been written over the years and thought… I can write stuff better than all of this!

And with that, they set off to… do nothing. For years. But then one day, it finally happened – they opened a word document and got to work on… well, some random thing that nobody ever read.

Fast forward a few years, the book is still unfinished, never to be published. The writer? Even though they never finished their book, they still hold to their idea that their book would have been better than anything else in the library.

So now that they’re floating around, all ghoulish and such, they haunt the library, making everyone feel creeped out, even though nothing seems to be happening.

But for what purpose? There is no purpose, only hurt feelings – just like most books.

The Response

The lone creature that he is, bigfoot has always suffered from social anxiety. Though he doesn’t feel comfortable interacting with others, bigfoot is aware, of course, that he would be happier with relationships.

In an attempt to make some bigfoot buddies, bigfoot tried taking up sports. First, seeing as he was in Canada, he tried to take up hockey, but he couldn’t find any ice skates that would fit his big feet (he ain’t called bigfoot for nothing!). Next, he tried football, but he found that he was too powerful to compete with the other guys and not make them mad. Hey, he can’t play, he’s not even human! they’d cry. After a few other attempts, bigfoot gave up on any existing sports and decided that he should create one of his own.

Bigfoot realized that games that are played with balls (such as soccer or football) are really popular, so he created a ball that would be big enough for him to play with. Then he had to create something to do with ball. He decided that a net like soccer would be too much of a hassle to lug around, so he put a peach basket, that he found at a nearby campground, up on a tree and tried to toss the ball into the basket. It was doable, but tough (aka FUN!).

Bigfoot then came up with a few rules for the game, and was ready to go, the game was complete.

Bigfoot invited some people to play with him. After they got over their fear and apprehension, they gave in and followed bigfoot. Bigfoot explained the rules, and pretty soon the first game was underway. A few minutes into the game, the guys realized they were having a great time.

After returning from the woods, the guys couldn’t believe what they’d done; they had played the greatest game of all time!

When they made it home, they told all of their friends about the new game. Initially they called it Bigfoot-Ball, but were forced to change the name to basketball by a shady government agency. With the new name, the game spread quickly, first through the United States, and then through the rest of the world, thanks to the world wars.

Now Basketball is one of the most popular sports in existence, and it all started with one bigfoot and one dream of forging closer social relationships.

Cheeseburgers are actually a bit tricky, so I’m glad you brought it up!

The secret to cheeseburger deliciousness comes from… bacon. Even if it’s not a bacon cheeseburger? Totally. Here’s how:

All cheeseburgers are loaded with bacon on a microscopic level. This was discovered by the great cheeseburger scientist Albert Einsteinburger (Look it up. It’s real. But not really.)

Albert Einsteinburger struggled for years to understand the high-level concepts of mathematics that would allow him to… look into a microscope and discover that DUN! DUN! DUN! all cheeseburgers are made up of millions and millions of tiny bits of bacon. Those bits of bacon, though invisible to the naked eye, are what give the power of sheer deliciousness to burgers.

So, now that we know that cheeseburgers are made up of bacon, what happens when you put bacon on a cheeseburger?!

Well, it’s more delicious, of course! Unless the bacon is gross. But even then, it’s still a little bit delish.

Hi Confuse-cius! Have you ever heard of Haikus? They’re these poems that have specific rules about lines and syllables. There are three lines – the first line has five syllables, the second line has seven syllables, and the third line has five syllables. They’re pretty cool! So, can you tell me… what’s the greatest Haiku of all time?