Someone is attacked by a Daily Mail headline every 30 seconds in Britain, figures revealed last night.

“Is it safe to come out from under the bed yet?”

After reading the latest stabbing headlines from the Daily Mail, many are so traumatised that they dare not go outside into the seething mass of tortuous hell that is Daily Mail Britain today.

It’s bad enough trying to survive in Gordon Brown’s Britain without having the horrific gruesome fear inducing headlines from the Daily Mail rammed into your brain every 30 seconds.

“I live in perpetual fear. I never put the lights on in my house at night and cower under the kitchen table reading the Daily Mail on my laptop. If it’s not how my house value has dropped by 3,500%, it’s about some nasty vermin feral scum who is waiting outside my door to stab me repeatedly with a six inch kitchen knife. Ooh look! I just refreshed the headline now and it says that I could die soon from cancer if I don’t eat more grapes everyday. Aaargh!” Johnson B. Smythe, 45, from Middle Britain told the Daily Mail.The true picture of violent Daily Mail stories could be even worse. Some experts
believe that they are getting even more fearful by the day.

“We believe that the stories are getting so incredibly ridiculous that one day the Daily Mail offices might just explode with anguish. It would be quite a sight to behold, all those overpaid Daily Mail bullies all with their already huge heads exploded all over the streets. Quite a sight I tell you,” one of the media experts working on the project divulged.

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