Dated, confusing, and boring. Those are the words that critics are using to describe Canada's Food Guide, a resource which has been used to define healthy eating in Canada for the last six decades. In response, Health Canada is holding meetings across the country, asking Canadians for input into the updated guide. One of the major goals is to have the new guide reflect Canada's cultural mosaic.

We at Canadian Expatriates feel bound by civic duty to provide some input into the new Guide. Exactly what food would reflect this "cultural mosaic" that Health Canada refers to? Why, Tim Hortons, of course. It is a main staple of every Canadian's diet, but it is already featured on the guide to healthy eating. You will find the doughnut representing Tim Hortons above the loaf of bread and under the upside down chocolate éclair. (Thanks to The Maple Lounge for revealing that doughnuts are healthy!)

Poutine is another food which should see its way into the new multicultural guide. Sure, some refer to the tastey dish as a "heart attack on a plate" but does that really matter? It is not like your diet of chocolate éclairs and Timbits are doing your cholesterol levels any favours either. Besides, if the new food guide is to truly represent all of Canada, it must include the tastes of French Canada (well, until Quebec separates anyway) and what better food would act as a culinary ambassador than poutine québécoise?

To be fair to the Acadians and to New Brunswick, poutine râpée should also be included in the new guide. According to Wikipedia, this dish consists of "a ball of grated and mashed potato, salted, filled with pork in the centre, and boiled. The result is a moist greyish ball about the size of a baseball. It is commonly eaten with salt and pepper or brown sugar." Not exactly appetizing, but it does lend itself well to Health Canada's multicultural mission!

Canada's Food Guide just would not be Canadian if we did not include the quintessential tastes of Canada: Mr.Big, Coffee Crisp, Smarties, Crispy Crunch, Old Dutch Chips, and Good Host Iced Tea. To honour Winnipeg, the Slurpee consumption capital of the world, we will include Coke Slurpees as Manitoba's contribution to the guide.

We should also be sure to include the culinary delicacies of all of the provinces and territories so that the guide can claim to be a true representation of our proud nation. Prairie Oysters will do a fine job of representing Alberta's beef industry, Ogopogo steaks and weed will offer a taste of British Columbia, and Saskatoon pie will be included on behalf of the Skatchers. Ontario's contribution to the guide shall be Beaver Tails (not the rodent variety), and Newfoundland will quench our thirst with some Screech.

It really does not matter what is chosen to represent Prince Edward Island as long as Anne of Green Gables is featured prominently on the packaging for marketing purposes. Nova Scotia will be represented by the McLobster and the Yukon will contribute the Sourtoe Cocktail (better stock up on those petrified toes to make sure there is enough to go around!). The residents of Nunavut have graciously donated seal flippers which were soaked in blubber until the fur was easily removed (a real northern delicacy) and the North West Territories will provide Canadians with maktaaq, a high calorie snack of raw whale skin.