| 18 | Lucid | Wandering |

386: Sparkling Water

While walking home from school once, I composed a mental toast to some people in my life. Of course, I did not write it down and I probably have forgotten most of it, but I will definitely refine it. It would be something I would have said to the graduating class of 2017 if they let nonentities like me speak at a graduation ceremony.

So, a toast to the people in my life whom I have made a note of, because at some point you made an impact on me and it has shaped my current identity today to some degree.

To my honey, thank you for being here and there and everywhere for me, always a message away, always a phone call away (even though I don’t think I’ve ever called you, and that one time you phoned me, I missed your call), always near even if we are far apart. You gave me motivation to live, to pursue my dreams even though I said I would give them up for you if it meant being with you for the rest of our lives, because I just know. I just know. We both just know. 🙂 But thank you for making me pursue my dreams, for motivating me to get through school, to get through life with you. I wouldn’t imagine doing it with anyone else. So, here’s to facing future challenges together, celebrating momentous occasions with one another, sharing exciting milestones that only couples truly in love get to share.

To the few friends I have kept over high school, thank you for listening to me speak and accepting me for who I am even though I change my mind every now and then and make a false claim or lie or whatever. You’ve stuck by me even though I’m a horrible person to stick by, so thank you for that. Thank you for letting me share doggo memes, staying up late at night to talk, or write essays together, or anything that has stuck in my memory but I’ve forgotten for now. Thank you. Here’s to everlasting friendships, and more memes. Sorry that this toast to you is a bit shorter than the one to my honey. I hope you understand that times have changed and that we will still remain friends, and I hope you can find your other half too.

To the friends who changed their minds about me, thank you. I know who you are and I know you haven’t really been there for me even though I tried to be there for you, but the imminence of graduation has made me aware of my real friends. I understand that you may be annoyed at me for changing my mind, for changing my values, for changing, really. I was not the same person you became friends with in seventh grade, eighth grade, tenth grade, eleventh grade. Everyone changes and the times change, and I suppose we have to adapt. I feel slightly subdued when I wave to you in the corridor or smile and say hello but you hesitate to do the same for me. Or ignore me completely. Or give me that side eye and flit your eyes from me in a split second, turn your head, thinking that I would think that you didn’t see me, but I know you did, and even though it doesn’t hurt me that you are wilfully ignoring me, it does tell me that you weren’t here for me from the beginning and that I was right all along. At the end of the day I don’t give anybody my 100% trust and I will tell you things that you think I shouldn’t tell you, but there are so many more things that you didn’t know, so whatever. Goodbye, I guess. You were here at some point, and now we are all graduating, and I don’t think we’ll be seeing each other again. Different paths, different career choices, different lives. We’ll still be friends on Facebook, but isn’t it just that, friends on Facebook, never messaging one another, just watching as we go online, like a post, tag another friend that you became close to because we never bothered to make the effort to forge a real friendship. Here’s to you, for not changing me as a person, but alerting me to the fact that people like you do exist, for better or for worse.

To my mentors and teachers, thank you. The immense support you have given me throughout these years have been invaluable to my learning and development. For a girl who finds it hard to confess to her parents the terrible personal crimes she’s committed but easy to tell other trusted adults, to sugarcoat the crimes on a blog she runs occasionally…(the sentence is too long), she feels gratitude towards those who have allowed her to spew the contents of her soul and not judged her. So thank you for that.

I think I should end the toast there. I would have made another to my parents. But the post is getting long. I love you though ❤