Lordy, Mom! I'm only gonna go get an MRI; they're actin' like I'm already daid and burried. I guess Amos really IS in a hurry to inherit my collection of great art reproductions. I'll bet he's just jealous of my Mona Lisa On Black Velvet, that's what. Especially since she's holding a banana. He doesn't have one and he wants mine.

You need to work on a better transmission of your ideas. I want to clutch you by the throat when I hear some of the foolish things you say. When are you going to put on the brakes and come to a full stop?

I have returned. I have now had it certified that I have the purtiest left kneebones in Idaho.

There was a slight problem in that I am so red-blooded All-American that all my blood was drawn over to my left leg. They got that fixed right quick though, but another problem arose (if you'll pardon the expression). The magnetic head used for the MRI imaging was of necessity positioned in such a way that the blood was then drawn to my, well, another part of my anatomy. Women would stop by, see it, and swoon with anticipated pleasure and men would faint away with jealousy. It's a good thing Pat came to meet me for lunch or I would have been held captive by a horde of women, all demanding a share of.... Well, anyway, Pat met me for lunch.

That would be a harrowing experience,indeed, for any young blade brazen enough to test his steel on't. 'T is an easy thing, withal, to ignore a clod, to dismiss a clod, to cut through a clod; but when you work in fields where nothing else may be seen, but clods without end in every direction, and nothing but an ass to work them with, it can be a dismal prospect, sir, dismal.

City ranks No. 5 for fishing, hunting BY JOHN O'CONNELL joconnell@journalnet. com

PO CATE LLO — To local outdoorsman the news is likely as welcome as finding a stranger casting in a favorite fishing hole . The community's public officials , on the other hand , must be feeling like they've landed the big one . Either way, the Gate City has been discovered as one of the nation' s best communitie s for outdoorsmen. Outdoor Life magazine's March 20 edition will rank Pocatello as the fifth best place in the U.S. for hunters and anglers to live. Mountain Home, Ark., Lewiston, Idaho, Sheridan, Wyo., and Cody, Wyo., finished in the top four. According to the magazine, Pocatello made the list largely for its "legendary trout fishing, high-country elk and trophy mule deer." Outdoor Life has a circulation of about 1 million. "I'm a westerner, and I see that attention is always a double-edged sword," said Andrew McKean, hunting editor of Outdoor Life. "You've got the folks who are there who don't want anybody to see the great merits of those places, and then you've got people who are looking for places to live." McKean said other factors were also considered in the rankings including: proximity to public lands, culture, crime rate, quality of education, commute times and affordability of housing. McKean, who has traveled through Pocatello many times, said the Gate City scored major points for its proximity to public land. "You must know how rare that is. That is an intangible that a lot of people don't have in this country," McKean said. He said Pocatello also received high marks for its diversity of game species and fish — nine huntable species and seven fishable species can be found in Southeast Idaho. "From a hunting perspective, you've got elk, mule deer, unbelievable waterfowl, good upland birds, and you're getting more turkeys all the time," McKean said. Pocatello also has some of the most affordable housing he's seen among towns with such great opportunities for outdoorsmen. "The median home price was remarkable to me because it still is an affordable western mountain town," McKean said. McKean docked Pocatello for its crime rate, which he said was high relative to the other 199 communities that made the list. As a benchmark for crime, he compared the number of car thefts per year based on a 100,000 population. Large cities, with the exception of Sacramento, Calif., didn't score well on his list based on high crime rates and long commute times. "We looked at towns over a 4,000 population. Our main focal point was towns 6,000 and above," said McKean, whose own home town, Glasgow, Mont., is too small to make the list. For all of the outdoor wonders readily available to Pocatello residents, McKean quickly noticed the community doesn't seem to have the positive image to match. Indeed, three responses were posted to McKean's article on his magazine's Web site, and two were about Pocatello. Both were negative. "Yup, keep driving south right to UTAH. We got plenty of people showing up to hunt. Kinda spoiling it. Pocatello is the Armpit of Idaho," one posting read. Another person wrote: "Soda Springs, Idaho. If you stay in Pocatello, you will drive to Soda to hunt and fish." But McKean isn't interested in "glitz and glamour," and the last thing he wants on his list is a city that employs a large public relations staff but can't live up to the hype. He believes readers would prefer to find quiet, lesserknown places. "There are a lot of towns that have really inflated views of their own quality of life. One of the things that I like that went into the basket of 200 were towns that were really authentic," McKean said. "These are places that may not have grandiose views of themselves, or their neighbors may not think they're remarkable places to live. Even places that may not think they're heaven on earth do really well. The towns that are quiet destinations are real, authentic places, and they're the places our readers like, as well."

McKean also remarked that it was a trip to the Pocatello Library that brought the influx of turkeys to his attention. "It's amazing what you learn by going tot he library sometimes," he told a reporter. "It isn't just about books."

And if you don't like car chases, we have a fine selection of disgusting violent crimes, murders, mysterious serial rapists, hit-and-run accidents, and if you prefer something more manly, a wide assortment of sturdy veterans of Marine combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with missing limbs, various mangled body parts, and/or seriosuly deranged mental and emotional states as a result of their exposdure to senseless violence, for your viewing pleasure. Don't touch that dial!