Questionable Leading Men

Brad Pitt. George Clooney. Ben Affleck. Will Smith. These are classic examples of leading men, and there’s no surprise why.

They all have classic good looks, can act reasonably well (some more than others) and you could most likely grate parmesan cheese on their abs.

But then there’s the other variety of leading man that I… just… don’t… understand. These are the men with average, or below average looks, guts galore that strike me as just kind of squidgy. Seeing them on screen is like watching an ex-boyfriend star in a movie. You’re just like, “Oh yeah, that guy.” Even so they command huge salaries and front movies where we’re all supposed to root for them to save the day or get the girl.

Give me a moment to wonder why.

Gerard Butler

This guy looks like my physical sciences teacher from high school. He just had us copy notes down the whole period and never answered any questions. He had a pet iguana named "chameleon." Gerard Butler looks like a member of that Yikesville. Cinnamon bun face. He looks like he could install my wireless connection, but I don’t see him rescuing a bus/boat/train/plane full of people or fighting aliens in outer space—although he might work as the sidekick of someone who could. Maybe if he looked less like the understudy for Theodore, the robust rodent from Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Russell Crowe

Ick-town. I remember when Gladiator came out and all my friends were just falling all over themselves about this joker. Shudder. Part of my problem with this furry creature is that he resembles a groundhog and he once threw a phone (landline) at a NYC bellhop, which, as a New Yorker, I take a personal offense to. He looks like he should be in a fishing boat off the coast of Ancient Greece singing ye old rhymes his grandfather sang to his father back in the day. Packing olives in brine. You know what I mean.

Bradley Cooper

I don’t know how this fool slipped in. I go to the bathroom for five minutes and this fella is starring in movies. Yes, I have a problem with his nose. I keep thinking that it wants to shake hands with me or something. And he always has that sneer like your girlfriend just offered him a blow job. He looks like he should be running a day camp in Waukegan, checking names off a clip board. Do I need to mention that it looks like a skunk bit off his upper lip?

Jude Law

I’m not saying the Law isn’t attractive, it’s just that whenever I watch a movie that he's in, I find myself saying, "I wonder why the costume designer didn’t put that actress in more dresses." That’s when I have an “oh yeah" moment and realize the actress in question is actually Jude Law. Honestly, that man is so pretty he could be the face for Chanel cosmetics. Just once I would like to see him open a jar or change a tire on screen. Do I need to mention the hairline issue, which they' conveniently disguised in this picture? It's now okay to have balding leading men? What's next, leading men with speech impediments? Skin disorders? Just what do I have to look forward to?

Ryan Gosling

Okay, the boy can act. Dress him up as a woman, put a needle in his arm; I’m sold. But I just saw the trailer for Crazy Stupid Love and saw that ridiculous part where he rips off his shirt to reveal his six-pack, much to Emma Stone’s yelps and cheers. Wha? He may have a six-pack, but this is one wan-faced, no jawed, narrow-shouldered-type-of-dude. I do not see what the fuss is about. And he needs to wipe that smirk off his face.