Friday, December 5, 2008

Am I Supposed To Fold This Hand?

I mean, come on. A better mathematician than I needs to take a look at this and tell me what my odds to win this hand after the flop are. I know that they're better than 99%. Here's the scenario: It's early in a 10 person double-up tourney. What this means is that when it gets down to 5 people, the game ends and everyone doubles their buy in. It's a perfect format for me. Conservative play is key early on, and try to only risk all my chips if I have a monster in this initial setting. And my 4-3 offsuit was a monster.

I was in the freaking big blind. There's no way I even play this hand from any other position, even the small blind. It's way too weak. And then this flop comes, and I suddenly have the nut straight with very little possibility for a flush. Money. And then the button(who was slow-rolling his Aces like a Nemo, keeps raising on top of me. What would you do? In retrospect, I guess I should have folded! And I noticed that the river card is obscured by the mountain of chips that he pulled in. Don't worry, it's an Ace. He paired the board on the turn to keep himself alive and then rivered his rocket. MAN, do I love poker!

And I did the math. I'll win this hand after the flop roughly 99.5% of the time. 1 hand in 200, with this flop, will see 4-3 offsuit go down. Hooray. Since I am a combination of perplexed and pissed, I need to vent some more. Here are some people that have gotten on my nerves recently.

Chad Johnson: A better sports statistician than I needs to compare his numbers before and after he started the whole "OCHO CINCO" thing. My guess is that the nickname is cursed. We really need to get rid of it. Like, now. ESPN is not helping. Anchors refer to him as Chad Ocho Cinco now. I'm sure you've heard it; It's a near-daily occurrance. Did I miss something? Did he legally change his name? His name is Chad Johnson, not Chad Ocho Cinco. Fix your teleprompters, you east coast Ron Burgundys.

If we really want to get technical, "OCHO CINCO" is gramatically incorrect. Chad Johnson calls himself eighty-five. Right? He brilliantly subs this number in place of the thoroughly inefficient first-person singular pronoun we currently have in place. Here's the Spanish translation.

EIGHTY-FIVE

ochenta y cinco

EIGHT FIVE

ocho cinco

Ocho Cinco is really on to something. The English language could use a tune-up. Our pronouns need a complete overhaul to finally launch into the 21st century. I think it's a great idea.

For example, I've always been partial to the nickname "Assmaster." I'll use this word in place of the word "I." That seems much more efficient and straightforward. We can also replace the word "our" with "Gossip Girl" and the word "it" with "Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo." Here's how that previous paragraph would look with this new format.

Ocho Cinco is really on to something. The English language could use a tune-up. Gossip Girl pronouns need a complete overhaul to finally launch into the 21st century. Assmaster thinks Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo is a great idea.

Up yours, Ocho Cinco.

Brian Urlacher: If you feel like shedding a block or generating some lateral speed, call me before the play happens so I can record it and put it on YouTube.

All of North America, Except for Mexico: Ok, let's get off our high horses. Who here has honestly never uttered a comment like the one Sean Avery let loose in Calgary? I know I have. I don't understand this need for our athletes to be PC. They're not role models, folks! They cheat on spouses, snort coke, and smoke crack. Josh Howard is personally keeping Colombia afloat. And now Sean Avery might get booted from the NHL because he said "sloppy seconds?" Are we serious, North America? Are we serious? Give me a big, fat break and super size it with a Mr. Pibb.

Rick Reilly: I really used to enjoy his columns. I also used to enjoy Garfield comic strips and Excitebike. Ever since he joined ESPN, his persona has ballooned to an intolerable, Emmit Smith-esque level. During the home run derby, as Josh Hamilton was creating the last great memory in Yankee Stadium, Reilly was sitting up in left field yapping nonstop and lessening the moment. "HEY! DID YOU GUYS KNOW HAMILTON DID DRUGS? HE WAS KICKED OUT OF BASEBALL! WOW, I SURE HOPE HE'S NOT ON STEROIDS! THAT MIGHT RUIN THIS PERFORMANCE OF HIS!" I'm pretty sure that John Kruk looked over at Reilly at one point and wanted to eat him. Finally, one of Reilly's most recent columns filled the nation in on how exactly Michael Vick went bankrupt. Thanks for shedding light on this issue, Rick. The former QB probably hasn't gone through enough embarrassment and shame at this point. Let's twist the knife a little more. Jackass.

Bill Walton Haters: One of my Walton-hater friends recently informed me that he suddenly found the former center likeable. I've been preaching this for years. Bill Simmons had Walton on his podcast a while back. He said "How you doing, Bill?" and Walton proceeded to talk nonstop for an hour. I'm not kidding. I don't think he stopped to breathe. It was awesome.

And for the record, the conversation that caused my friend to hop the Walton fence occurred during ESPN's halftime show. Shaquille O'Neal was drolling on in his impossible-to-understand monotone, after which Walton said "That guy talks more than Obama." Jalen Rose, sitting immediately to Walton's right, flipped out. Fantastic television.