I used to post my gratitudes in a website which I discovered after Fluffball introduced it to me. Haven’t been posting there in a while and I can’t be bothered to find out what my password is. Instead, maybe it’s time I use this blog to begin charting down things that I am grateful for.

And first in the list…

I am grateful that I do not have dengue.

I’ve been having fever on and off for almost a week and the stubborn gene in me had refused to see a doctor about it. Until Mr Producer and some colleagues got really concerned about the fever coming and going. Mr Producer started insisting that I get a blood test done and after feeling especially lousy at work yesterday, I finally forced myself to the Doc to get myself checked out.

Did the blood test and yay, my platelets level is fine but my white blood cell (WBC) are especially high. Doc concluded that I have a bacteria infection which explains the on and off fever. With the prescription of the mother of antibiotics (according to Mr Producer), I’ve been given the rest of yesterday and today off.

My love life seemed to be quite busy since the end of last year up until now. It’s only been more or less 6-8 months since I got off the 2 years draught but I seemed to be jumping from one relationship to another in a somewhat quick succession without truly realising it until this very minute.

Funnily enough (or not), every single one of those relationships were unplanned and unexpected. Although things ended quickly and badly with The Boy and Mr Blast from the Past, it felt like The Universe was trying to tell me that there’s still a glimmer of hope in relationship for me as long as I keep being myself instead of trying too hard to be someone I’m not, that as long as I don’t go looking for someone to be a part of my life too much, they’ll find their way somehow.

Things were unexpected with Mr Producer. We’ve been drinking buddies for a year and in that year, we’ve pretty much told each other about our own disastrous love lives. I mean, I’ve even met his ex gf (then gf) before although I get the sense that she might have seen me as a threat. Haha!

On top of that, I went MIA from the social drinking world when I was battling with the big D for about 2 months. There were just too many things on my mind that I needed to dealt with, all I wanted was to wallow in a big black hole during that 2 months. Mr Producer was the one from that world who begun gently knocking on my door without knowing I was going through. I was gently coaxed out of the hole and when we were having our post-drinking supper the first time I went out after 2 months, I told him what I was going through. He never once judged me but was concerned instead. He comforted and advised me instead. It was a nice change after being condemned and told that it’s all in my head and there’s no such thing as the big D.

We started hanging out again after that night. We saw each other at least once a week, sometimes even during weekends. We’ve evolved from drinking buddies to become even dinner AND drinking buddies. Little do I know that we were both actually subconsciously attracted to each other.

Long story short, after weeks of mix signals, he finally told me last week that he really likes me and would like to give us a try. I had my misgivings and after a long talk about it including our expectations and what we like and dislike in relationships, we are trying it out.

It’s early stages but I like what we have now. Or how we’re trying to adapt. Haha!

Take last night for instance. He had arranged to have dinner with his friends and wanted me to join them too. I told him to go ahead with the dinner without me as their dinner will most probably be over when I arrived at the venue anyway. Instead of proceeding, he pushed back the dinner time instead so that I can join them. I can’t remember the last time a guy I went out with will do such a thing for me.

Come to think of it, he tries hard to have dinner with me every night. Even during the nights that he has badminton, he’ll ask if I can make it for dinner with him before his session starts. I guess that is his way of building a relationship and ensuring that there’s quality time.

So…

I guess time will tell if this will stay afloat or sink. Whatever it is, it’s a nice change to be treated the way he did with me the past week.

3 weeks ago, I received messages on Whatsapp from The Boy. The messages were sent in the middle of the night.

I was asleep when the messages came in. With one eye opened, I saw who it was, left the messages unopened and went back to sleep. Whatever messages from him, can be dealt with the next day when I get to the office.

The next day, I finally read the messages from The Boy while I was waiting for the lift at my apartment.

Hey…I’m really sorry

I screwed up and hurt you…

And I’m really sorry

Don’t mean to

I was tempted to reply and ask him if he was drunk when he sent me those messages but decided against it. I didn’t want to give him an opportunity to start a conversation with him. What I did however, was to take a screen shot of the message on my phone and sent it to Fluffball and Salope.

Fluffball’s opinion was that he has finally grown a pair and his conscience must be eating him up, hence the apology.

Salope and YE (I told her what happened over Gtalk) both think that things did not work out with his ex, hence it’s his way of trying to worm his way back into my life.

My opinion? It’s a combination of what Fluffball, Salope and YE thought. Things did not work out with his ex which prompted him to grow a pair and try to “properly” apologise to me. All 3 were very vocal and insistent that I do not reply his messages or if do, that I do not take him back.

I was tickled by their reaction and felt touched at the same time. The 3 of them have not met each other before and are so different from one another in terms of character. But the one thing they have in common is their fierce friendship and support towards me. For that, I’m ever so grateful and thankful for friends like them.

At the end of the day, I didn’t bother to reply The Boy’s messages. Neither did he try to contact me again. I guess he got the message that I have no intentions of keeping the friendship at this moment.

Who would have thought that a blast from the past would create such unexpected result?

While I was nursing my bruised heart and ego over the Christmas and New Year’s holiday, an unexpected message popped up on my Facebook messenger on Boxing Day from someone I knew back in school. After quite a bit of back and forth messaging between the two of us where I confirmed with him that yes, I have indeed been in KL all these years, he suggested that we catch up for coffee one day.

The one day turned out to be 2 days later after he first messaged me. It was good catching up with him and definitely nice to see him again after almost a decade. We caught up on a lot stuff – our own lives, our respective disastrous love lives, our work, our mutual friends and everything in between. It was one of the best outings I had in a long while filled with nothing but laughter.

When we left the cafe that day, we both agreed that we should meet again soon instead of waiting another 10 years to see each other. After he dropped me off at home, I went about minding my own business without another thought on our outing. Until he messaged me in the evening and asked me out for dinner and movie the very next day.

Once again, I didn’t think much about the dinner and movie invitation from him. While the first thought, “Wow, so soon?”, flashed through my head, I really did think that it was just another outing with a friend whom I haven’t seen in a really long time. I said yes without any hesitation and so, we went out again the very next day.

Dinner was good and once again, lots of laughter peppered throughout our conversation. As we make our way into the cinema for our movie, a statement he said made me go, “Hmmm…could it be?” He told me that he was actually feeling nervous leading up to seeing me that day and that he was still feeling nervous around me that time. I was wondering why he would be feeling nervous and got my answer when we proceed to supper after movie.

Apparently, he used to have a crush on me back in school and after our meet up the previous day, he felt stirrings in his heart which he has not felt in many, many years.

According to him, he cannot believe that I’m single now as he had always thought that I’d be happily married with kids. In his mind, I’ve always been a gem and it would be a loss for any guy to let me go. While I have my doubts about how sincere he could be, it felt nice to have my ego stroke too. =P

His disbelief aside and the fact that he used to have a crush on me and may still feel the remnants of it now, I actually had another good time going out with him. We parted, once again, with nothing but good feelings. Without any plans made to see each other next, who would have thought that we met up another 4-5 times the following week?

He pretty much declared that week that he’s courting me (who still uses the word “court” in this modern times anyway?) and though I have my reservations, I find myself growing fonder of him with every minute spent with him. Of course he got more plus points for being so sweet and gentleman towards me each time we go out. In fact, I haven’t been treated the way he treated me with other guys that were trying to “court” me in the past couple of years. I felt good about myself in a way that I haven’t felt for far too long.

I know things ended with The Boy not too long ago and whatever that is going on with this old friend of mine may be too soon, but I’m enjoying the attention for now while taking things slow and easy with him. Only time will tell if anything more transpires out of us seeing each other. Until then, what unexpected result from a blast from the past eh?

It’s been exactly 2 months ago when I wrote about The Boy. What was supposed to be a happy thing deteriorated quickly into misery and heartache. At least this time around, it took me a shorter time to confront the problem instead of letting it dragged on for weeks and months. It’s only been less than 4 months but damn, who would have thought that the heart would break and ache so much!

The positive side of the whole episode was acknowledging the fact that I’ve grown up. Not much but I’ve learned my lessons from the past. I was sick and tired of being treated like a doormat and managed to wrangled the truth out of The Boy.

I was right about the possibility of jinxing the whole relationship in that 2 month old post. It was jinxed from Day 1. Not by me but by The Boy.

After 2 years of casual dating and meeting all sorts of Mr Wrong, The Boy came along and made me think that he is Mr Maybe. He was the first person in that 2 years who made me decide to throw caution to the wind and take a plunge at giving us a try. I had my doubts and was careful at the beginning but after getting lectured by The Wookie endlessly bout not waiting for the shoe to drop and just go with the flow, I decided to let down my defenses and go with the flow. I was happy – truly happy. A feeling that I haven’t felt and experienced for a really long time. But the happy feeling was shortlived.

After weeks and months of dithering (a word I learned from Fluffball), The Boy finally admitted two nights ago that he still loves his ex and that the both of them are going to try to patch things up and make their relationship work again. Oh, the best part? His ex doesn’t know I existed or that he’s been seeing someone else in the last couple of months!

I was surprised at how calm I was the entire time, even when I was grilling him for all sorts of answers. The calmness eventually gave way to sadness, hurt and finally, anger. I was angry that he was dishonest with me from Day 1; angry that I was treated like garbage; but most of all, angry that I was a rebound or worse, second choice.

I’ve experienced the feeling of being second choice before, or rather, the experience of being an option. It comes with the territory of dating a married man. After that particular experience, I told myself never again. That was when The Boy appeared. Who would have thought that The Boy could make me feel the same way again?

I pointed out the bare facts to The Boy after his revelation:

He was the one who pursued me relentlessly

He was the one who started addressing me as his gf first. I wouldn’t have given it much thought otherwise

He had broken a huge promise that he made to me – that he wouldn’t put me through this hurt and heartache again after the first time it happened (yes, you read right, he’s done this whole dithering before cause of his ex)

At that point in time, I’ve never felt so stupid in my whole entire life. And angry at myself. I believed him and trusted him again after the first time it happened. I should have been more careful and wary instead of being all naive. Despite all that, Fluffball pointed out that I should be proud of myself for the ability to allow myself to trust and be in a relationship again, no matter how shortlived it was. She said she doesn’t want me to turn into one of those women who constantly question every good thing that happened in their lives with tonnes of wariness and distrust as it is tiring to live our lives that way.

I know it’s better to find out the truth now than later. Saves us all the time wasted and deeper heartache when more feelings were spent on a relationship that was doomed from Day 1. Still, it hurts to be treated the way I was treated and it hurts deeply because he was the first person I allow into my heart with most of my defenses down. It’s not a nice feeling at all.

I was told that every break up is different because the journey of every relationship takes us a down a different path. No matter how short or long the relationship was, the time, effort and feelings invested in the individual relationships were different. I suppose that explains the occasional ache that pops up in the heart.

Despite the hurt The Boy had inflicted, I still miss him. I have to stop the urge to call or text him and stay sane. Regardless of all that’s going on in my head and heart, I’m quite proud of myself for the way I handled the situation and addressed the problem like a mature adult. It’s been 2 days since the break up and I’ve stopped crying since last night. In fact, when I was having drinks with Mr Producer last night and relating the whole story to him, I ended up laughing at some bits and pieces during the story-telling instead of crying!

A similar theme that I seemed to received from every single person I talked to was that The Boy is all that – still a boy. He couldn’t handle a woman and prefer going back to a girl. He’s an immature prick who doesn’t have the balls to do the right thing. In fact, I was told that he was most probably hoping that he could have both or even keep me on as the second choice in case things doesn’t work out again with his ex! Another similar theme that seem to resonate in everything that everybody told me was the confidence that all of them exude about him crawling back to me soon.

Whatever it is, knowing that you’re a rebound and second choice is not a nice thing at all. I hope I don’t turn out to be cynical when it comes to love.

I miss writing. I do. Even though I’ve not written in a while or consistently, I miss how I used to have the ability to just write and write and write like there’s no tomorrow – writing diarrhea.

I miss how I used to have a way with words. I missed how I used to be able to express myself well through my writing. I miss the thrill of it all. I miss the feeling of knowing that some poor soul out there actually enjoyed reading what I wrote. Me, an anonymous person, a stranger that they’ve not met – yet they seemed to like what I wrote.

I miss writing down all the menial things that happen in my life. Or rather, my ability to make menial things sound remotely interesting at all. Yes, I miss all that.

Now, I seemed to struggle with words. I find it difficult to express myself through writing and God knows how many drafts I have on my dashboard. All written halfway without an ending, without a sense of direction. I feel lost. I feel miserable. I feel dead.

It’s only been slightly over a month and I’d usually keep mum about the whole thing a while longer before telling anybody or sharing it anywhere over the Internet but somehow, what I do these days are different from what I would use to do. Cryptic? Hehe…that part will never change.

After staying single for more than 2 years, I’m finally dating someone exclusively and feeling happy about it. The Boy.

I hope I don’t jinx things by saying so but for once in a long, long time, I’m happy with the way things are and am just going with the flow. I’m not clingy and I like to think that my expectations are more realistic this time around. I’ve grown more mature as a person when it comes to relationship (that or I’m so used to being single) and do not feel the need to see The Boy everyday or every other day. There’s no strict rules about how many times we have to see each other a week and I like how spontaneous things are with us. We do not really plan ahead or set dates to see each other (except that once or twice) and most of the time, our plans are ad hoc.

Things are still fairly new between us and it’s too soon to judge on the direction we’re heading towards right now. Whatever happens though, I know I’m at a good place right now.

Having said that, I have a feeling that The Boy is not used to dating someone around his age and is more of an independent soul. I know he wanted to see me and spend time with me yesterday and today but work got in the way yesterday and I have plans later today that was made 2 weeks ago. This may well be the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other despite being in the same town since we started dating (my going outstation doesn’t count)!

Oh well, lots more to learn about each other and lots more for us to accept the good and bad of each other.

For the longest time, turning 30 seemed to be so far away. Even at the end of my 20s, I wasn’t too worried about it. Age is just a number after all. Or so I thought.

Two to three months leading to the big 3-0, I started to feel a tad depress. All the emotions and questions that my friends warned me about and that I never thought will pop up in my head came a tumbling like a horrid torrent of rain. I started to feel depress and was constantly asking myself about what sort of achievements I’ve crossed off the bucket list.

I compared myself to my peers and find that I’m lacking in so many aspects.

Most of them have gotten married and some of the married ones have even entered parenthood. Me? Still very much single and available without any man in sight.

Most of them are financially sound with a property and a vehicle under their name. Me? Nada.

All I seem to have that kept me going is work. Even then, I have a love-hate relationship with it. There were times when I love my job to bits and there were times when all I want to do is throw in the towel and hide in a corner to cry. Life certainly have its interesting ups and downs. As much as I try to dwell on happy thoughts, the downs do come a knocking when you least expected it and leave you breathless longer than you care to.

For some odd reason, I expected the whole turning 30 thing to be a bit more festive. More celebration with the 30 candles that I wanted to blow off that I’ve been telling everyone who cared to listen. At the end of the day, nobody took me seriously. My birthday came and went as quiet as a mouse. The only celebration I had was with my family – just a small family dinner with some drinks after. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining bout the family celebration at all. It’s nice to be with family for once on my birthday. However, I thought it’d be…something more grand.

I’m not terribly disappointed by the lack of grandeur. But I was thinking…”That’s it?”

Life has been a whirlwind of deadline after deadline right after my birthday. To be honest, I didn’t have the time to dwell on the disappointment or lack of celebration or lack of attention from the people who I deem are important in my life until now. Maybe the frustration at work is finally eating me up to the point where I’m super emo in the office now. All I want to do now is to reflect on finally turning 30 and release those pent up tears. But I suppose that will be done on another day when I’m all alone with my thoughts.