Thursday, July 23, 2009

find a good man

Just when I was going to try to curb my swearing here, I come across this article on msn.com, about the best places to find a good man. Obviously, the article itself is FUCKING BULLSHIT. So I took it upon myself to fix it up a little.

You want to find a good man? Well, nobody GIVES A SHIT about you.

SUCK

ON

THAT

Here's what we think of the article's best places to find a good man:

Churches, synagogues or mosques: "There will you find men with a spiritual disposition," Rabbi Shmuley says. heck yeah, man says: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah, if you're into some retard who's idea of a fun weekend is waking up early on Sunday, and eating cardboard pieces of bread cause he believes it's some dead dude's body. Yo, that's fucked up. I guess on the plus side, if you're in the bible belt, the 9 o'clock mass is about as early as you can publicly consume booze, legally.

Bookstores: Here, you'll find men who are intelligent, he says. heck yeah, man says: Do you know what kind of pudwhackers hang out at bookstores? Douchebags trying to get bitches to think they're intelligent - that's what kind.

Charity events: Volunteer to work with charitable organizations and attend charity events to find men with heart, Rabbi Shmuley says. "[Charity events] usually draw men with a social conscience," he says. heck yeah, man says: One friend says to his other friend, "hey I'm going to tell this broad that I volunteer at this animal shelter so she'll sleep with me. I bet that place is just crawling with poon". Also, I volunteered at a women's domestic abuse shelter. Do the math, dickhead.

On dates set up by friends: Your friends will most likely be discerning in who they'll introduce you to, Rabbi Shmuley says. heck yeah, man says: This is the easiest way to clean up.

In the military: "The military usually draws really good guys," he says. "They're heroes—men with a sense of mission." heck yeah, man says: You're also going to find dudes that shoot huge, awesome weapons, and then next time you're pissing him off, he's going to SHOOT YOU WITH A FUCKING ROCKETLAUNCHER OR FLAMETHROWER OR SOMETHING.

Libraries: These are quiet, contemplative settings that often attract intellectual guys, Rabbi Shmuley says. heck yeah, man says: Or it could just attract a normal scumbag looking to borrow a book, or something.

Concert halls: Find cultured men who love music at these venues, he says. heck yeah, man says: Uuuhh, the kind of concerts I go to, I think 'cultured' is the last thing I'd think of any of the patrons, male or female. Ain't nothin' wrong with a little scene trash every once in a while.

Weddings: Weddings have a great romantic atmosphere, and commitment phobes usually stay away from them, Rabbi Shmuley says. heck yeah, man says: Fact: 99% of dudes at weddings, that are single, are looking to get laid. Fact: 99% of dudes at weddings, not single, are looking to get laid.

Lectures and debates: Such events usually attract a higher quality guy. heck yeah, man says: "a higher quality guy" - please define that. I like to think of myself as a 'higher quality guy', and I would enjoy going to a lecture or a debate. But then again, I love this song (longest, most bad ass windmill ever, at about 1:35).

Coffeehouses and poetry recitals: Seek out the sensitive, nice guys who might frequent these places. heck yeah, man says: My life mission is to go to every coffeehouse or poetry recital, and kick every dude's ass I see. One time I went to this poetry recital looking for a good knockdown, and some dipshit was on the stage rapping about a fucking tree branch, so I grabbed this other douchebags macbook, and beat both of them to death with it.

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tall man on the loose in tampa area

True story, there is a tall man terrorizing the Tampa area. This weirdo usually hangs out around parks, trying to find pick-up games of basketball - during which, he will grab the ball and maneuver around so that you come into contact with his stinky, naughty bits.

Truly an unpleasant experience.

His signature move is the "bait and switch junk grab". As you're grabbing for the ball, his junk magically appears. In the way of your hand.

Another one of his famous moves is to let the ball go loose, then as you scramble for it, his sweaty ass gets in the way. Of your face.