KELSO: Wow. Chicks must really dig astronauts, 'cause it says here... that astronauts get all the Tang they want.

FORMAN KITCHEN

Eric is chopping up some greens

KITTY: Oh, Donna is gonna love you making dinner for her. There's nothing sexier than a man who cooks. Unless that man is Burt Reynolds. Then I don't give a darn what he's doing. He's just sexy! Ahahahahaha!

ERIC: Ooh-hoo, Mom has a thing for the Bandit.

KITTY: Ten-four. Ahahahaha! Go set the table. Oh, no, no, honey, use the special china. You don't want to mess up a good thing with everyday dishes.

ERIC: Okay, but, Mom, it's not like I can mess this up. I mean, Donna is cool no matter what I do. Like, earlier, I pulled down her pants in front of everyone in the driveway...and she just stood there...

KITTY: You did what?!

ERIC: No, it was cool. She just...She said she was fine.

KITTY: Oh. Then I guess she's fine.

ERIC: Yeah, 'cause she said she was fine.

KITTY: Yeah, she wouldn't say she was fine unless she was fine. Would she?

KITTY: Oh, my. Look at this vision of lovely. Ahahaha! Oh, this is just like when you two were little, and you...you used to eat pretend supper. Only now it won't end up with Donna sitting on Eric's head. Ahahahaha!....Oh. Oh, Red, let's go.

RED: Kitty, that was just awful.

KITTY: I know. Keep walking.

ERIC: Wow, I was afraid that was gonna be awkward.

DONNA: Yeah. Eric, this looks so great.

ERIC: Yep. Shaked, baked and maked especially for you. And this here is a little somethin' I like to call..."a little somethin'."

DONNA: You got me a present? That's so sweet. I didn't get you anything, and you got me... panties? What the hell?

ERIC: Yeah, panties! Get it?

DONNA: No!

ERIC: To replace your ugly ones.

DONNA: Eric, when I said I didn't get it, I meant I didn't like it.

ERIC: No, see, you forgave me earlier and I figured if I brought it up, we could just, you know, share a laugh (chuckles weakly) Your turn.

DONNA: You know what? You're the one who doesn't get it (she leaves)

ERIC: Well, maybe you should explain it to me.

DONNA (outside the room): I heard that!

ERIC: This is the worst Valentine's Day ever.

FORMAN DINNER ROOM - THE CIRCLE

Eric, Fez, Hyde and Kelso are in the circle

ERIC: It's Donna's fault. Okay? I didn't make her wear that big, goofy underwear. I'm sorry, but if you're hanging out with this crowd you gotta know that eventually your pants are gettin' pulled down. Am I right?

FEZ: I am so glad I did not pull down Caroline's pants. I mean, if she asked me to, I would because I respect her wishes. And, also, I am so horny.

HYDE: Forman, when I told you it'd be funny to give Donna panties I meant it'd be funny to me (laughs) And it was.

KELSO (teary): This is what happened to my heart when I found out Laurie was cheating on me (he breaks a candy heart and eats it) It's lemon. I mean, how could she do this? I really thought we had somethin'.

HYDE: Probably the same way you did it to Jackie. Only this time it's even funnier, 'cause it's you. This is a good day.

FEZ: Tonight, I am going to ask Caroline to go steady with me because that is the last step before you can do it, right? Oh, how I want to do it. I am so horny.

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN

Donna and Jackie are eating Valentine's chocolates

JACKIE: So Michael cheated on me with Laurie, and Laurie cheated on him. Hmm!There is a God, and he's on my side.

JACKIE: You know what'll make you feel better? Let's go make mean jokes at Michael's expense.

DONNA: How will that make me feel better?

JACKIE: 'Cause then I'll feel better, and I can cheer you up.

DONNA: On what planet did Eric think it was okay to pull down my pants? There are some things that are private, Jackie for instance, everything under my pants.

JACKIE: I agree. Keep it to yourself.

DONNA: Why doesn't Eric understand that when I said, "I'm fine," I meant, I will be fine... so long as he kisses my ass for two weeks until I'm actually fine? He's, like, brain damaged.

JACKIE: Look, he's just not a good boyfriend. You should dump him, and then we can move to Dallas and be weathergirls.

FORMAN KITCHEN

Eric is standing near the counter, Hyde is putting his jacket on. Red and Kitty come in

KITTY: So, how was your night?

HYDE: He blew it. Hehehehe!

KITTY: Well, what a surprise.

ERIC: Wait, you're saying that like it's not a surprise.

KITTY: Okay then (she leaves)

RED: You know, son, there's a time and a place to pull down a lady's pants. And a pickup game in our driveway is not one of 'em.

ERIC: Look, Dad, I know it was dumb but Donna said it was fine, and apparently it wasn't fine.

RED: Sit down. Eric...there's a pair of shoes up in your mom's closet. And one day, I accidentally stepped on one of them and scuffed it. "Don't worry," your mom said. "Everything's fine." But every now and then, she takes them out of the closet...and she puts them on, and she does this (mournfully) "Ohh." Then she takes them off and puts them back in her closet. Eric, this has been going on for 14 years.

JACKIE: No! Look, anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Donna.

KELSO: Well, okay. Uh, listen what happened with me and Laurie got me thinking. And what she did was really a betrayal and it hurt so much.

JACKIE: So you want me to feel sorry for you.

KELSO: No, don't feel sorry for me.

JACKIE: Wait, what?

KELSO: No, I deserve this. After what I did to you? I don't know if you've made the connection, but there are a lot of similarities between what Laurie did to me and what I did to you. Except you and I were really in love and you trusted me. Jackie, I let you down, and I'm sorry.

JACKIE: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you just saying this stuff so I'll give you Valentine sex? 'Cause this is a holy day, Michael and you should be ashamed of yourself.

KELSO: No. I just said what I wanted to say, and I don't blame you if you never want to speak to me again. That's it. Good-bye (he leaves)

JACKIE: Then you should be with him. Look, take it from someone who has loved and lost. Whatever he did isn't worth being alone on this holiest of days.

DONNA: Jackie, are you actually thinking about me instead of yourself?

JACKIE: Yeah! God, I've had way too much sugar!

FORMAN KITCHEN

Eric is putting away the left-overs. Donna comes in

DONNA: Look, Eric, we need to talk. Before, I told you everything was fine when it wasn't. So, I'm sorry for not letting you know what a colossally insensitive bonehead you are.

ERIC: Oh, apology accepted. That's... very big of you.

DONNA: No, I'm serious. So from now on when you piss me off... I will do you the courtesy of blowing up in your face.

ERIC: Oh, Donna, that's all I ask. And as for my part, I've realized that somewhere along the way we crossed a line where... pulling down your pants in public is really no longer that funny. And I suppose that point came when you started letting me pull them down in private.

DONNA: Exactly.

ERIC: So...are we good?

DONNA: Yeah. (chuckles) No.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

Eric is standing in the driveway, in his underwear, holding a basket ball