For years, the superiority of Columbia College students to Barnard girls has been demonstrable not only through their superior smugness and banking abilities, but through their ability to stay in their dormitories over winter break. Whether they lived in the spacious singles of John Jay, or counted themselves amongst the lively community of Furnald, Columbia College Students could rely on their housing to remain available from finals until the first day of classes.

Undergraduates such as Priya Mahanta, CC ‘18 appreciate this housing, saying “It’s incredibly expensive to fly back to India, especially for the holidays. Keeping housing open saves enough money to continue paying tuition.”

“It’s great,” William Princeworth Jr. commented, “a few of my buddies from Westchester take the train down and we have a convenient place to do coke and crash at after bars.”

Barnard students have been fighting with the administration for the same coke-and-crash privileges of their peers for years, with little progress – until now. Today, the administration unveiled a bold new program to provide students with blue bins under which they may take shelter for the entirety of the winter holiday. While the details of the plan were not specified, sources within the housing office say that students may have access to as many as two blue bins, although a small fee may apply for usage of the additional bin.

“The students of Barnard have spoken, and we listened,” commented Matt Kingston, associate director for housing operations. “No longer will our students have to suffer the cold and rain during the iciest month of the year. Now they will just have to suffer the cold.”

The program, to be rolled out in 2021, was met with exuberance from a number of students, such as Christina Chang, BC ’17, who remarked, “I can finally cut things off with my wintertime sugar daddy. He’s gotten really into ropes and it’s kind of scary.” However, Blue Bins for a Brisk Break still has its critics amongst the students and the administration alike. One high-level member of the administration, who wished to remain anonymous, noted that “I work my ass off for this school, take home a measly $3.4 million each year, and now I’m told that they’re taking a cut from my paycheck to house some preppy bitches who won’t even go into finance and donate millions? Yeah right.” Meanwhile, Gabriella DiFrancesco, BC ’17 protested, “A blue bin is not shelter. I cannot live in that. This is not a joke. Where am I supposed to live?”