Monday, 25 May 2009

It can be much easier to fall in love with one's fantasythan with a flesh and blood person. For some, their majorsatisfaction comes through fantasy, even when they are withsomeone real. For others, that filmy shadow between fantasyand reality can be very hard to detect. Some men imposetheir fantasies upon real women, others refuse to haveon-going contact with a woman in order to maintain herstatus as a fantasy lover, forever enshrined in their mindsand hearts. Although men who prefer fantasy over realityseem to love women, the real women they encounter mayforever be strangers to them.

Some of the fantasy lovers are men who can't tolerate theirown dependency on women because they experience it asemasculating. They therefore withdraw into fantasy. Somedowngrade the woman to make her appear a lot less valuablethan she really is to them. Others over-idealize women, andprojects their strength and gifts onto them. Others usethese fantasies as ways of compensating for anxiety oremptiness in their lives.

For other fantasy lovers, so called "ordinary life" isfraught with activities and behaviors that are filled withconflict, boredom, or dread. Women, for them, are a way tostep out of everyday life into a magical realm. They viewtheir encounters as time apart where they can renewthemselves. Of course these encounters cease to be renewingwhen reality starts pressing in.

Robert Johnson, Ph.D., a well known writer and analyst,describes this situation beautifully in his book, WE: "Whena man's projections on a woman unexpectedly evaporate, hewill often announce that he is disenchanted with her,disappointed that she is a human being rather than theembodiment of his fantasy. If he would open his eyes, hewould see that the breaking of the spell opens a goldenopportunity to discover the real person who is there. It isequally the chance to discover the unknown parts of himselfthat he has been projecting on her and trying to livethrough her as well."

To illustrate this point, when a fantasy lover, Jimmy,finally found the woman of his dreams, he saw her twice,and said after that he would never see her again."Whoever thought something like this would happen?" Jimmysaid. "It was summer and I was passing through, went to adance and all of a sudden bumped into this beautiful woman.We looked at each other and that was it. The magic wasreally something. Neither of us could part. It wasperfect. I was terrified. She was married, but we both knewwe belonged to each other. At the end of the night wedidn't take each other's numbers. We just had our night andsaid good-bye."

The possibility of ever being with such a woman in"ordinary reality" was something that terrified Jimmybecause of his feeling that he could not hold her, didn'tdeserve her, or could never love her enough. Jimmyimmediately got caught projecting all his dreams and fearsupon this woman.

Of course, his only seeing her briefly, served anotherpurpose as well. Once she became part of his ordinaryreality, neither she nor he would be special or perfectanymore. Jimmy longed to have at least a small taste ofperfection. To do that he had to hold onto her as a dream. "I couldn't help it," he continued, "A couple of weekslater I went back to the same club and there she was again.I knew she would be too. The same thing happened again. Wehad another magical night together. Then after it was over,we both said to each other we hoped we never saw each otheragain. We didn't want these incredible feelings we sharedto be lost in a normal life."

For Jimmy, being truly happy, connected and affirmed couldonly happen in the world of illusion. " I'm gonna live offthat memory the rest of my life." he said.

Because a fantasy lover's ordinary life is so fraught withconflict about himself and women, he craves this perfectfantasy love. It is a place to which he can always returnwhen he needs to feel cared for and worthy. A fantasy lovecannot be threatened or damaged. It also cannot be takenaway. Of course the pain and contradiction inherent in thissituation is that holding onto this fantasy prevents thepossibility of finding ongoing, real love - a love thatcould truly nourish and sustain. But what woman couldcompare to this memory? And, of course, a fantasy woman isnever tested in any way.

In effect, the fantasy lover is saying that love isillusion; it's all he can have and wants. In fantasy he canhave everything, without being challenged, or facing theincredible otherness of a real human being. Therefore,ultimately his fantasy serves to close him off and make himunattainable, which is a loss for others as well as himself.

Basically it is important to remember a fantasy lover isnever in love with the woman he meets, but rather with thefantasy she provides. He has no conception of sacrifice ina relationship, of giving up some of his plans for thegreater harmony. Therefore, by definition, this kind ofrelationship can only last for a certain time.

Touchstones To Remember

(Ways To Deal With The Fantasy Lover)

FOR WOMEN

- If a man is in the throes of needing only fantasies,realize it. Let him go. - If he is looking for arelationship, give him plenty of space to express hisfantasies. - Build his self esteem. Let him know whenhe pleases you. Let him know all the things he does right. - Never take it personally when he looks at andappreciates beautiful women. He's going to do it for hiswhole life. Don't make him feel guilty about it. As soonas you do, he'll be gone. - Watch your expectations ofhim. Fantasies are hard to give up. - Be sure youcan tolerate this situation. Enjoy the fantasy with him, orsay good-bye.

FOR MEN - While fantasies can be delicious, realizethat they limit you. - Find different qualities worthloving in some real women you meet. Write them down anddwell upon them. - Try to understand what it is thatyou cannot trust about real women and love. - Seeif there are ways that you can find excitement and beautyin your everyday life. Is it always necessary to resort tofantasy when you want to live an elevated life? -Fantasy can sometimes replace the longing for truespiritual practice. Stop a moment and consider whethermeditation, prayer or other spiritual practices mightfulfill a deeper need? - The attraction to fantasycan also be positively transformed into creativeexpression. It might be meaningful to try your hand atmusic, writing, art, or some other expression of yourdeepest self.

About the Author:

Men tell in their own words why they left relationships,what went wrong, in Dr Shoshanna's top e-book Why MenLeave. Well known psychologist has taught thousands how tochoose the right partner and build a relationship thatreally works. Download now at http://www.whymenleave.com .Free ezine and articles at http://www.brendashoshanna.com .topspeaker@yahoo.com