Sunday, May 5, 2013

Brave

I guess I could consider it some stroke of luck that I had managed to survive the first quarter of this year alive. To say that it had been the most trying months of my entire life would be an understatement. Those were the months where I had willingly gone through hell and back just to maintain status quo. Those were the moments where I would have traded anything and everything just to keep my sanity hanging down that thin thread, if it meant that I could keep us together - so I could still fight for whatever it was worth, never mind that it no longer amounted to very much.

I groped for my own dear life because all the while I thought, I had nowhere else to go, that there was no one else that I could turn to. Little did I know that my insistent and stubborn ways only dragged me down further to that self-imposed pitfall of gloom and melancholy. I had seen it coming and yet I had resisted for the longest time. Maybe I just really wanted my heart to be torn into a million pieces before I could finally wave the white flag and succumb my wretched spirit to failure.

I've always considered myself to be too much of a coward when it comes to my own share of reasonable and unfounded fears. Because more often than not, I would rather endure the fear of not knowing than confronting my demons. This is probably why even though I had already seen it coming, being the control-freak that I always was, I had turned my eyes away from reality and conjured up the fantasy that I would still be able to handle everything. And one day, I woke up and realized the futility of it all.

So just like that, a dark cloud had come upon me and after what seemed like an eternity of sheer unhappiness and misery, I had tasted the victory that was liberation. For the first time after a very long time, I was alone and on my own. And this only meant one thing, I was free.

I could finally let go of all my wishful thinkings and unmet expectations. I could now bid farewell to my lifelong dream of a happily-ever-after and a bright future together which I had been working and plannning for, sadly on my own. But most importantly, I can now allow my heart to just breathe - to stop hoping that things will be better, that he can find it in his heart to change or that he will finally realize that I was right after all.

None of that matters now. Because today, it's just all about me. No one else. It's my time to take care of myself and relish this new-found freedom. And for the first time in my life, I feel brave. Though I may not know what tomorrow brings or what the future has in store, none of that worries me now. Because I know better days are yet to come.

And though the worst is not over, I am certain that soon enough, I will be okay. I just know, I will be happy again.