After the totally forgettable Valentine’s Day in 2010 Garry Marshall gives another shot to collect love stories and revolve them around a universally acknowledged event. This time it’s New Year’s Eve, also known as Garry Marshall’s new low. How do I even begin with? Is it all the wrong pairings and the non-existent chemistry between each screen couple? Is it the verbal diarrhea that makes this movie more appropriately called a radio show? Is it the lame opening and ending monologue? Or, is it simply Sarah Jessica Parker?

“I was a jerk.” That was Robert DeNiro’s line. What kind of jerk he was? We don’t know. What is his problem that makes him all alone dying? God knows. And what is behind Michelle Pfeiffer’s midlife crisis that makes her drawn to Zac Efron? Mystery. What’s with Ashton Kutcher’s resistance over New Year’s day? Well, he’s gonna explain himself verbally. The script is too lazy to create scenes that actually show us the back stories, problems, and motifs of each character. It just has one solution: tell everything through dialogue.

Watching New Year’s Eve in the cinema is most enjoyable when you bring along your pillow. Or, please have a copy of Love, Actually ready for the post-screening detox.