The MILF Diet: A New Cookbook That Makes Life Pretty Much Unbearable

When a book arrives on your desk titled The MILF Diet, it's hard to imagine how anything could be much worse than the title itself. But it does get worse. Way, way worse.

It begins as soon as the acknowledgments. Among others, Author Jessica Porter thanks "My stepmother, Anna, a MILF and loving mentor." Whoa, whoa, whoa. Does Porter know what MILF means??? Someone should tell her. Like, really quickly. Either that or there's about to be a really awkward moment between Porter and her father, aka Anna's husband, aka, the dude married to the person Porter wants to ... well, you get it.

Basically, The MILF Diet (full title The MILF Diet: Let the Power of Whole Foods Transform Your Body, Mind and Spirit Deliciously!) is a study in how co-opting slang for capitalist purposes is a minefield that should only be entered by very savvy parties. And from the outset, this book has so many forehead-slapping moments it's obvious that savvy is not what we're dealing with here.

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From the back cover: "...the MILF diet is what happens when the Skinny Bitch grows up and gets married." Is this supposed to appeal to someone? Like, are there women out there reading that and saying "yeah, that's me!"

The chapters in the book are divided into phases of "MILFification."

But it gets better. "One of the quickest routes to becoming a MILF is by eating whole, natural foods." Oh. Cool. All clear now. Wait, What?? Yep, the MILF book is not only full of horrible, squirm-inducing, misguided attempts to empower "older" women to think this is a term they should totally be using about themselves, it's also full of healthful hippy hoo-ha, whith a good dose of bullshit spirituality thrown in for good measure. The chapter titled "MILF Sex" (kill me now) begins in part "... a true MILF is sexy in a deep and powerful way. Because she eats whole and balanced foods, she is whole, and her chi runs through her unimpeded." Of course this is all a set up to say that you should lose weight and that will make you sexy. Which may be true, I don't know, but leave the chi out of it.

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I'm not even going to tell you where "MILF Sex" goes from there. It's too disturbing.

The recipes look kind of boring and health-food vegan-y and mostly stuff like "Hurry-Curry Vegetables" which advises you to cook a bunch of vegetables (carrots, potatoes, cauliflower, and frozen peas) with low-fat coconut milk and curry powder. If this is the way you have to eat to be attractive then I think I'd like to respectfully opt out of the MILF diet, thanks very much. I'd rather be a WWCCADNTBDBAMSMTFGAH. That's Woman Who Can Cook And Doesn't Need To Be Defined By A Mildly Sexist Moniker To Feel Good About Herself. WWCCADNTBDBAMSMTFGAHs unite!!