Competition is a barbaric, insensitive ritual that reeks of social Darwinism. We cannot allow the fittest to survive on our pages. Your loss is someone else's gain, and your gain is someone else's loss. Therefore, losers contribute to the society and winners take away from it. Being a winner is unethical, while a society of losers is happy and striving as a collective. In the spirit of diversity, inclusiveness, and collectivism our contests shall have no winners. Everyone is declared a loser, which in our book means an ethical team player.

"Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, that's a joke. Ha, ha! I'm not totally illiterate, ha, ha, ha. I know it isn't pronounced FUN-eral, I just wanted to see if you knew it wasn't pronounced FUN-eral. Ha, ha! How do you like my hair, by the way? Today it's all black. Do you like it? I do. I love my hair. My hair is so easy to color and manage. I think it's sexy, don't you? I really like it black like this. Do you want me? I want me, I look so good. You want me too, don't you?"

As world leaders exhibit the basic instinct of leadership in gathering at the stadium ceremony commemorating the death of South Africa's Nelson Mandella, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama encounter a distraction by the Danish Prime Minister Ms. Thorning-Schmidt putting Sharon Stone's Basic Instinct to shame.

Comrade Chedoh you have shed the light of the Party on an unreported failure of our previously disgraced Secret Service. Your second photo depicts FLATUS intervening in a hostile attack against Dear Leader (PBUH) by the blonde "White She-Devil" attempting to destroy the Huxtable family structure that Moochelle and Barry demonstrate to the public.

Availabilty of choom details are not available, but clearly the "Playa in Chief" had slipped his leash and eluded protection by the Secret Service. It is entirely possible but not yet confirmed that prostitutes in South Africa are cheaper and/or more skilled than their South American counterparts--Secret Service officials have yet to comment.

Had FLATUS not sacrificed her own self, Dear Leader might have "hooked-up" causing an embarrassment,

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was

CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry

Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'

BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.

DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'

Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago

Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same

Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote

The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patriotic as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush

Venezuela solves starvation problem by making it mandatory to buy food

China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"

Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'

Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%

America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith

Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine

Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET

Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths

Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'

Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State

President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise