Sunday, 10 March 2013

Interview with the Water Buffalo: The Cow Chronicles

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This week I had the opportunity to meet a Water Buffalo which was quite the exciting affair. I felt the need to dress up so I opted for a semi-casual approach because I didn’t want to give the wrong vibe—and we were meeting over lunch after all. I decided on my Levi’s and wore my brown Louben blazer to dress it up and the boots? They were simply practical since this get-together was taking place in a barn.

I was feeling pretty good about the whole situation when I turned the corner leading to her pen and then it struck me: we were both wearing brown coats. Oh, the horror! I could tell she noticed it too because for the first few moments I stood in awkward silence while the chomp of her cud chewing echoed vacantly in the barn.

How, I racked my brain, to break this uncomfortable silence.
Should I comment on her coat? Or leave it? Pretend this didn’t happen? But it
was so obvious. I tried to be tactful:

“Had that nice coat of yours for long?”

Her ears flicked forward challengingly. They were large and
low:

Hand painted earrings (x2)

“I was born with it on,” she snorted.

Silence. I couldn’t compare to that.

“Where did you get yours?” She asked.

“Winners—"

“Mine was made to
measure.”

Great. So now I seemed unauthentic and cheap. Let’s try the
compliment route:

“Did it always fit you so well?”

“Why? Looks tight to you does it? It so happens I am on the
tenth month of my pregnancy! Bet your clothes wouldn’t fit nearly as well if
you were in my hooves.”

Had I offended her? Maybe it was her extended gestation
period that explained her curtness. It definitely clarified her rotund figure.
And that load of hay—yikes, her cravings must be at an all-time high. She didn’t
exactly have a ‘pregnant glow’ for her hair was coarse and stiff. Not glossy at
all.

“Couldn’t you find
one a size up? Make that extra month a little more comfortable? And you know
they say black is always slimming…”

She exhaled sharply through her nose:

“This happens to be the only one I have and the only colour
I would ever wear.”

Had I insulted her financial situation? Could she only
afford one? Well regardless she was a stubborn animal too, I reasoned. Our
meeting concluded shortly afterwards. She did let me take a picture, but as I
slung the camera back over my shoulder she murmured under her breath:

“You really should choose something else. Brown isn’t your
colour.”

I left the barn but mentally agreed with Ms. Water Buffalo:
brown isn’t my colour. I also decide then and there to keep the company of
Holstein cows…at least with them it’s only black and white, none of this second
guessing business.