Monday, April 27, 2009

BACKLASH: A GREAT DAY FOR CANADA

A: Hi everyone it's old Mike and Andrew again to say whatever the hell about this wrestling show that we just saw. We're best friends!!!!

JACK SWAGGER VS CHRISTIAN

A: Jack Swagger looks a lot like Jake Busey if Jake Busey looked a little less like Gary Busey. He is about 10 feet tall and absolutely awesome. He is a guy with a LEGITIMATE AMATEUR BACKGROUND and he does stuff like the rolling germans except it's actually just the rolling amateur wrestling takedown and stuff. He's the best. Christian is a tiny little Canadian who Vince McMahon apparently hates. This was a dandy little match but I don't remember much about it because it was like 4 hours ago. I do remember Jack Swagger trying to do the like Vader splash maneuver but from the top rope so really it was just a top rope splash but facing the wrong way. Also the finish was Christian cheating in a smart way as opposed to Jack Swagger's dumb cheating, and so we learn that cheating is cool if you're smart about it which everyone already knew anyway. After the match, Christian sees Edge and is like "What's up bro you used to be about the MUSIC" and Edge is like "Fuck you bro."

M: This was the best match just because Jack Swagger is an awesome ass dude anr probably needs to get off of bullshit ECW by tomorrow. ECW is for scrubs, Jack Swagger is the real deal. So what if homeboy has a lisp. Dusty Rhodes talked like a black retard and he is one of the most popular dudes of all time. I wanted to see Swagger win this shit just because Christian was being such a bitch to him on that EC DUB episode I wached but whatever. I'm sure he will be on RAW soon enough. Also the shit with Edge and Christian was pretty cool because it probably made the SMART MARKS at home finally pee their pants with happiness that they acknowledged that Edge and Christian were tight bros but now Edge is like "n word please".

CHRIS JERICHO VS RICKY STEAMBOAT

A: I honestly don't remember too much about this. This was like the wrestling match for guys who want to see two dudes wrestle who are both really good but one is old and one is Canadian and neither does anything amazing. So they wrestled back and forth in like an amazing display of technical knowhow or whatever and then Jericho gave Steamboat the Walls of Boston Crab and he tapped out and that is the end of Steamboat's feel good nostalgia run, I think.

M: I think I should have liked this match because it was like WORKRATE and Ricky Steamboat was so pumped to be wrestling again that he dyed his hair even though we've seen him for the last month with some grey hair but he wanted to shine. I thought he may have legit died but he made it through. The whole time I imagined that Dynamite Kid was at home yelling at the TV like FUCK YOU STEAMBOAT YOU BLOODY WANKA THAT SHOULDA BEEN ME. CURSE THIS BLOODY WHEELCHAIR. Actually that probably didn't happen because Dynamite most likely doesn't watch THE PRODUCT anymore and is most likely too poor to afford a TV, no less cable. All eating discarded meat pies from the local futbol stadium for dinner. SCRUB.

CM PUNK VS KANE

A: CM Punk kept attacking Kane's arm and then Kane beat CM Punk and there it was. During the AIM chat for this, all of these fucking mark ass idiots were saying "Oh now CM Punk will cash in his money in the bank!" as though that makes any fucking sense. Dude was beating fucking insensate by Kane, the most dominant and ruthless force in the WWE. He's in no goddamn condition to wrestle for the STRAP. CM Punk's brain isn't addled by wait what the fuck why am I listening to Dishwalla right now. Tell me all your thoughts on god. Okay so anyway I just think it would make more sense for CM Punk to cash in money in the bank after a glorious victory, not after he got straight bitched. Fuck yall.

M: Man, why are they making CM Punk a bitch? He just won the big Money in the Bank! For the record, I was saying how they would do like Wrestlemania X where Bret Hart lost to Owen but came back to win the belt in the main event, but either way it's pretty hilarious that Kane won a match. Also, I'm sure every single goober on the internet that spends 27 hours a day fantasy booking CM Punks next RISE TO THE TOP probably just shit themselves and had a brain aneurysm and I can't wait to read the pussyaching tomorrow because that's how horribly depressing and useless my life is right now.

MATT HAHAHA HE IS FAT VS JEFF HARDY

A: My feed died for a lot of this match so maybe something crazy happened but if it did I didn't see it. What I saw was them doing a bunch of submission moves to each other, then the stream died, then Matt was all tied to a table somehow and was saying like "No Jeff I love you! Daddy wouldn't want you to do this!" and he quit like a little bitch baby and then Jeff jumped on him anyway. I suppose this ends their feud and it means Jeff will re-sign with WWE so blah blah goth chicks joke.

M: This was the worst I Quit match I have ever seen. Dudes were doing like leg holds and shit to make each other quit. Then Jeff tried to Swanton Bomb Matt to death. Then when they finally get to the realness, Jeff pulls out the most pussy ladder ever. It was like a 6 foot ladder, and Matt's being a bitch about it. I hate Matt Hardy now, but I still hate Jeff even more for wearing JNCO's and I hate both of them DOUBLE for this wack ass match.

THE AWESOME AS HELL SANTINA/GREAT KHALI/BETH PHOENIX SEGMENT

A: The Great Khali comes out to his like Punjabi MC theme song and his little dude with the sideburns is like "Great Khali wants to fuck some hoes tonight yall!" and so Santina comes out because that is one fine slut. She says she cannot kiss Great Khali because she is in love with Jim Ross and Jim Ross gets shoot upset while all the announcers get work amused. Great Khali understands because he is an honorable man but then Beth Phoenix comes out and throws salt in JR's game and the Great Khali bops her on the head, not unlike Little Bunny Foo Foo doing so the little field mice. No one turns Great Khali into a goon though. Then Santina pins Beth Phoenix and then Great Khali sexually assaults Santina so that we see her tits.

M: I have nothing ot add to this except for the part where Santina said he was in a relationship with JR, he was Shoot disgusted because he is a shoot homophobe. I bet Vince Mcmahon was laughing in his earpiece the whole time like I OWN YOU JR AND I OWN SANTINO I WILL MAKE HIM FUCK YOU IN THE ASS IN FRONT OF STEVE WILLIAMS AND THE ENTIRE OKLAHOMA SOONERS FOOTBALL TEAM IF I FEEL LIKE IT HAHAHAH SLACKFACED BITCH!!

A: This match was really long and it was fine, I guess, but I don't remember too many things that happened in it. At the end, Batista was going to hit one of the chump guys with a chair and Triple H was like "NO!" for some reason. Maybe there was some DQ stipulation in this match, I literally don't know. Anyway, while this was happening, Randy Orton viperously vipered the living fuck out of Triple H with the RKO and the kick to the head and then they had to strap Triple H to a spinal immobilization board. Apparently the kick killed Triple H more than it's killed anyone else ever because he got such attentive medical care. Also the fans started singing NA NA NA, NA NA NA, HEY HEY GOODBYE at Triple H which ruled.

M: Batista wears the tiniest wrestling underwear. I bet he has to tuck his cock in between his legs just to get into those things. I'd imagine Batista is at least bi-curious. He has a navel ring and a belly button tattoo and wears the tiniest of shiny underpants. Plus he looked for real heartbroken when Orton kicked HHH's head off. I think they are ***Secret Lovers***. Oh, and the bell ringer rang the bell too early and I imagine has already been future endeavored. Peace out Bell Guy.

THE EDGE VS JOHN CENA

A: This match was really awesome and some cool stuff happened but the best part was that John Cena and Edge were standing on the announcer's table and FU'd Edge into the fans and one fan was just lying on the ground next to Edge the entire time they were counting him down so I think he probably legit got his neck broken. That was hilarious. Anyway at the end, they are fighting on the ramp and the Big Show comes out and chokeslams John Cena through the spotlight and he was dead and on fire and that was the end. So every title changed hands which was cool.

M: This was A MATCH, and I guess was better than the Jack Swagger match just because of the part Andrew mentioned where they really broke a fans neck but I'm sure he's pumped because he's going ot be rich forever. Though he is an idiot wrestling fan, so I bet they could bribe him with a years worth of Smackdown tickets and an autographed pic of Melina and everything will be cool. Also, there was another part where Cena threw a bunch of steps into Edges face, which was pretty good. I HAVE NO JOKES I'M SORRY.

IN CONCLUSION

A: I don't really have anything funny to say about this show because it was almost entirely good and unlike TNA I know who all the wrestlers are so I can't get anyones names wrong comically. It was definitely worth seeing such a fine wrestling program for free as I did.

M: This was a great PPV and if you say otherwise, you think way too hard about wrestling and need to take a fucking chill pill or the whole bottle. A thing that sucked was that there was no Maryse match and I thought there would be for some reason. Snarky hip commentaries on wrestling only work when the shit sucks, so suck a fuck.

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6-3-94 Manifesto

In the days of ancient Rome men tried to best each other physically by imposing their will on one other. Sometimes this lead to the death of one of the competitors. Sometimes it lead to a friendship or brotherhood bond being formed. More often than not it ended with the two dudes fucking the shit out of each other. Faggotry and wrestling have long had a mutually parasitic relationship. Where faggotry is afoot wrestling cannot be far behind. Where there is wrestling you can rest assured that faggotry is nearby, jerking off furiously. This is the way it has always been and the way it shall always be. Though men have tried to change this dynamic throughout the ages they have all failed. Spandex, pyrotechnics, midgets, fake tits and sports entertainment cannot mask the overwhelming scent of gay that always accompanies wrestling. You can always be certain of these three things: The sun always rises in the morning, politicians always lie and wrestling will always be gay as fuck. We are merely observers; scribes charged with the duty of recording, analyzing and mocking this faggotry. These are our words.