Shape-Shifting Lizard Skin Cream

Shapeshifting from lizard to human form is great for controlling Earth so you can mine gold to save your dying homeworld, but it’s not so great for your skin. When you’re juggling appointments and global depopulation deadlines, you don’t have time for an exhaustive skincare regime, especially after you’ve been up all night sodomising infants on a blood-soaked altar.

15 Responses to “Shape-Shifting Lizard Skin Cream”

Some of the crackpots who are working against my definitely-not-actually-real chemtrail and higher-dimensional ELF mind control plots have been scattering orgone concentrators all over the place. What assurance do I have that this product is orgone free?

It’s very funny, well written, and executed. But also kind of a racket, checking the guy’s Etsy he’s selling standard every day items with alternate packaging at a markup. I’m not sure if i should be amused or not… for now i’m going with amused.

“Standard every day items with alternate packaging at a markup” – that is probably the phrase you’ll find if you look up the definition of “Novelty item” in a dictionary. So there is nothing even remotely wrong or immoral about that. Unless the customer actually is a lizard, of course…

The world is loaded with more-or-less-banal products in novelty shapes/packages/with twee quotations/etc/etc. It’s a harmless enough category, so long as everybody recognizes that you are paying for humor that, unlike a standup act or a cartoon, happens to be wrapped around some generic lotion or whatnot.

Far worse deceits are practiced by the people in charge of exaggerating the qualities of banal commodities with a straight face…