This Week in Posters: August Sausage County and More

THIS WEEK IN POSTERS. This Week in Posters & Stills is our weekly round-up (and critique) of all the posters, publicity stills, one-sheets, and set photos that hit in the previous week, a nice little early preview of what’s to come in the movie world. Posted every Wednesday, unless it’s not.

Here’s a Mexican poster for Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa. You can tell it’s a Mexican poster because it has girls in bikinis in the background in it. I’m not sure that scene’s even in the movie. It’s probably just a standard background they use to sell anything in Latin countries. “The boobs let you know it’s a movie.”

BELLE. Look, I hope this doesn’t come off racist, but “Gugu Mbatha-Raw” is a hilarious name by anyone’s standards. I’d love to see her marry Boo Boo Stewart, and become Mrs. Boo Boo Gugu Mbatha-Raw-Stewart.

She’s very easy on the eyes, though. In fact, you might say that I’m positively ga ga for Gugu.

BLOOD TIES. A seventies mob movie being sold on the strength of a solid cast, acclaimed director (I guess), and sexy costumes? It sounds good, but it’s hard not to see it as the poor man’s American Hustle. You can’t mess with Fat Christian Bale and Curly Brad Cooper, man.

Look, I love Mila Kunis, but compare these to the American Hustle posters, and it’s like they’re not even playing the same bonersport. I mean sport. Dammit, how did that get in here.

Clive Owen gets my pick for “best actor with the worst agent” in all of Hollywood. Did Josh Brolin just start taking all of his roles?

THE BOOK THIEF. Ah, a tale of love in the midst of the Holocaust. Let me translate that tagline for you: “Please give us an Oscar! Please? C’mon.”

AUGUST OSAGE COUNTY. As you may have already noticed, I refuse to stop calling this film August Sausage County. How much more would you want to see that than some county you don’t even know how to pronounce? I’m doing them a favor, frankly. Does anyone know what the hell this is about? Other than ACTING! of course…

A look at the lives of the strong-willed women of the Weston family, whose paths have diverged until a family crisis brings them back to the Oklahoma house they grew up in, and to the dysfunctional woman who raised them.

Reviews have been mixed so far, but it’s based on a play by the same guy who wrote Killer Joe, so maybe there’ll be some kind of fried chicken fellatio scene thrown in there to keep things interesting. Oh, who am I kidding, it’s never the same without McConaughey.

DELIVERY MAN. Get it? Because it’s a movie about him fathering a bunch of kids! Someday, I’d love to play a game where I put my fake Vince Vaughn posters up against his real posters and see if people can tell the difference.

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THE DOUBLE. This one comes from Submarine director Richard Ayoade, and it’s a comedy based on a Dostoyevsky novella about “a man who is driven insane by the appearance of his doppleganger.” It stars Jesse Eisenberg, so… Michael Cera?

I had to turn off Submarine halfway through because, even as someone who enjoys Wes Anderson movies, I couldn’t deal with the super twee precocious teens falling in love. This one doesn’t have any teens, so that’s good. But it does have Jesse Eisenberg. Hmm…

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL. Weren’t we just talking about Wes Anderson? SPEAK OF THE ASCOT PRINCE AND HE SHALL APPEAR! (*cues French music on boombox as Wes Anderson rolls in in a red wagon*)

Grand Budapest Hotel just got a release date – March 7th, 2014 – and the trailer is set to hit tomorrow morning. The official synopsis:

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL recounts the adventures of Gustave H, a legendary concierge at a famous European hotel between the wars, and Zero Moustafa, the lobby boy who becomes his most trusted friend. The story involves the theft and recovery of a priceless Renaissance painting and the battle for an enormous family fortune — all against the back-drop of a suddenly and dramatically changing Continent.

I hear the soundtrack will feature a number of vintage Rolling Stones tunes covered acoustically by a young Romanian girl in her native tongue. Just kidding, I made that up. …Or did I?

THE IMMIGRANT. James Gray last worked with Joaquin Phoenix on Two Lovers, and the big story was that Phoenix’s publicity stunt rap meltdown during the press tour took attention away from the movie. Obviously that wasn’t a big enough sticking point to avoid rehiring him. It’s true, no one pulls off “intense weirdo” like old Joaquin.

On the mean streets of Manhattan, Sonya falls prey to Bruno, a charming but wicked man who takes her in and forces her into prostitution.

Huh, based on the poster, I would’ve thought Joaquin was running for president. You don’t think… the plot is some kind of metaphor for American capitalism, do you??

LABOR DAY. I’m always in for a Jason Reitman movie, and you know this one’s going to be romantic because Josh Brolin’s doing the old close-eyed headbutt. That’s movie poster code for ROMANCE! YEARNING!

Depressed single mom Adele and her son Henry offer a wounded, fearsome man a ride. As police search town for the escaped convict, the mother and son gradually learn his true story as their options become increasingly limited. [IMDB]

Josh Brolin is in everything. He’s like the white Samuel L. Jackson.

A MADEA CHRISTMAS. “Ho no she didn’t.” I love it. Nothing Tyler Perry does takes longer than 10 minutes to think of.

MORTIFIED NATION. It’s a documentary about a stage show in which people read their adolescent diaries. Fantastic idea, and I’m forever thankful that I didn’t keep an adolescent diary.

OLDBOY. See? Brolin’s in everything. I usually don’t like the “picture-inside-a-silhouette” style of poster, but I kind of like this one. He keeps a lady inside his heart, you see. That’s the lady he wants to hammer.

GRUDGE MATCH: I like imagining a time-lapse montage, where the guy in charge of Photoshopping this poster starts as a young man, and by the time he’s finished he has long grey Gandalf hair and eyebrows and big witch fingernails.

Pretty sure Vaughn is like 6-4. I got a good laugh when I first saw the poster for that Christmas movie he did with Reese Witherspoon (who’s probably like a foot shorter) and they were standing back to back and he was photoshopped so that he was the same height as her.

What?? Oh yeah, here’s my biological daughter from a black woman I knocked up and abandoned, but I have adopted her into my (tolerant for the time but still super racist) family where she can live the rest of her life as a lesser being among the British aristocracy. Then she will be saved by the magic super noble not racist white man who falls in love with her and helps her end the institutionalized racism in British society.

I’m prejudiced against anything that uses the word “American” or “Nation” in its title (except American Hustle, because come on). It’s just lazy shorthand for “let’s make it seem like this is applicable to fucking everyone.” And I’m sure everyone has a phase of their life that they’d prefer to forget (except me, I’ve always been awesome), but that doesn’t earn a pass for shit like Air Guitar Nation and Prozac Nation

The Dog-Walker: He’s looking for some bitches…and some dogs too!
The Uber-Man: He’ll take you for a ride!
Frolf-Life: Frisbee Golf has never been more intense…or hilarious!
The Crossfitter: Is it a cult filled with weirdos who annoy everyone? Yes. BUT NOW THE WILDCARD IS JOINING