What It REALLY Means If You Constantly Fight About Sex

It’s a stressful Tuesday morning and you and your partner are fighting about the dirty dishes in the sink for the millionth time.

It sucks, doesn’t it? Every couple has that one issue they always fight about.

And while recurrent fights are common, they might not actually be healthy: “You shouldn’t be having the same fight over and over again,” says Kimberly Moffitt, Ph.D., a Toronto-based relationship expert.

A verbal battle that won’t end means you’re not actually working through the problem when you’re discussing it, she says.

So the core of the issue, which reveals a lot about your relationship as a whole, isn’t resolved.

Here are some of the most common recurring fights between couples and what they might mean for the big picture of your relationship.

If you find yourself fighting about money all the time, you might actually have different view points on what you want out of life.

“In my experience, people think they fight about money because there’s a lack of it, but most of the time it’s about a couple’s difference in values and what’s important to you in your life,” says Moffitt.

The Fix: You have to address what your priorities are by talking to your partner about your short-term and long-term life goals, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of What About Me?

“You’ll flesh out what you want in your future,” she says.

From there you can discuss how you can compromise on her goal of getting to Europe and your goal of buying a house, for example.

If you’re not able to compromise on your values, then meet with a relationship therapist who can help mediate, says Greer.

If you feel like you’re constantly asking your partner to empty the dishwasher for once, you’re definitely not alone.

But as mundane as these issues seem, they can take the greatest toll on a relationship, says Moffitt. This is a sign that you or your partner need to work on your communication and listening skills, she says.

Finally, ask your partner to work with you to come up with a solution.

Being clear about why it bothers you so much will make the situation easier for your partner to understand. You can use this approach to work toward solutions to other problems caused by poor listening, too.

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You Fight About Family

When you fight about family all the time, the core issue is usually that one of you isn’t feeling valued or important in your relationship, says Greer.

For example, if she feels like the two of you are constantly hanging out with your family, while only seeing hers twice a year, or she always complains when your mom comes to visit, the root cause is that you or your partner don’t feel like the number one priority to the other, she says.

The Fix: The best thing to do is to agree that no one is going to make decisions about doing family things without consulting the other, says Greer.

While that can squash any future in-law arguments, you also need to address the bigger issue, she says.

“You can say, ‘I appreciate that you like spending lots of time with your family and I want you to do keep doing that. But I want to feel that I’m as important as your family,’” she says.

Then, ask your partner if you can plan some alone time to balance things out. It’s okay that you want to be put first, says Greer.

Whether you’re fighting about more sex, less sex, or different kinds of sex, arguing about what goes down in the bedroom can affect your emotional and physical connection with your partner, says Moffit.

Oftentimes, this kind of argument stems from a lack of communication in general.

Carrie MurphyOriginally from Baltimore, MD, Carrie works as a teacher, freelance writer, and doula in Albuquerque, NM.

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