"You will always be my 11:11 and the name I write in my naughty list."

"I'd kiss a frog even if there was no promise of a Prince Charming popping out of it. I love frogs."
— Cameron Diaz

"You’re just like bacon, beer, and chocolate – you make everything better."

"My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked, and now she’s afraid of the light."
— Rodney Dangerfield

"Love is telling someone that his zipper is open or her wig looks too fake."

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
— Jackie Mason

"Love is sharing your popcorn."
— Charles Schultz

"I like perfume and flowers."
— Donatella Versace

"Women love a self-confident bald man."
— Larry David

"Love with old men is as the sun upon the snow, it dazzles more than it warms."
— J. P. Senn

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."
— Richard Jeni

"What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday."
— Cindy Garner

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."
— Jules Renard

"Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery."
— Fulton J. Sheen

"My brother is gay, and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor." — Elayne Boosler

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?”
— Lily Tomlin

"I want someone who will pause his game just to answer my call."

"Staying in love for more than 5 years is almost impossible. Staying in love with the same person for you’re the rest of your life is a miracle."

"The key to a successful relationship is to clear your internet history."
— Quoteistan

"A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright."
— Lucille Ball

"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke."
— Lynda Barry

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
— Agatha Christie

"We’re like Romeo & Juliet...except for the dying part of course."
— Justina

"You’re the cheese on top of my spaghetti, the cream on top of my frappuccino and the cheesecake on my red velvet cake."

"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlists."
— James Garner

“Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing.” – Helen Rowland
"During my days, the teenagers talk about movies, music, and love. Now, all the kids talk about are sex, relationship, and heartbreak."

"I love you so much I’d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu. But a carebear, I’d definitely fight a carebear for you."

"He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle."
— Ring Lardner

"Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
— Woody Allen

“Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.”
— H. L. Mencken

"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."— Ray Romano

"A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt."
— Spanish Proverb

"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
— Cindy Garner

"Girls cry their eyes out until they are dry, while boys drink their beers until their mugs are all dried up."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
— Billy Crystal