Under ordinary circumstances, I do not become involved in Republican politics at any level. However in this year of 2011, the entertainment value of the Republican primary season is totally compelling. Among other things, there is Herman Cain who strikes me as a professional comedian. Cain is capable of stating a position and contradicting it before the sentence is put to rest with a period.

On the other hand, Rick Perry, the Governor of the great state of Texas, is troubled by having debates and recently he forgot the third item in a list of three agencies that he would do away with once he became President. There is Mrs. Bachmann, the representative from northern Minnesota, who seems to be invited to the debates as a matter of courtesy and also as a matter of self entertainment. Then there is the former senator from Pennsylvania named Rick Santorum, who was defeated a few years ago for retaining his job in the Senate, and is invited to the debates, again largely as a matter of courtesy. Finally, there is John Huntsman, the former Governor of Utah as well as the former Ambassador to China, who to my mind makes the most sense of any of them. But he is largely ignored. So that brings us to Mitt Romney, whose given name is Willard.

Mitt is the former Governor of the great state of Massachusetts. During his time there, Mitt Romney approved universal health care for the people of the state of Massachusetts. It has been in effect for four or five years and has largely drawn praise. As a matter of fact, Barack Obama more or less copied the Massachusetts plan, which was authored in large part by Mitt Romney. I should think that this is a matter calling for great praise, that a Democrat is copying a proposal for universal health care produced by a Republican. But that is not the case.

If you are attuned to the debates taking place among the Republican contenders for the Presidency, you must now be aware that Romney has been accused of flip flopping. Things that he was ardently in favor of have now become anathema to him, starting with his own health care proposal. Romney now says that his first act if he gains the Presidency will be to repeal universal health care. I blame this largely on the effects of Mr. Romney’s terrible slump. When a baseball player fails to get a hit for several times at bat, we ordinarily term that “a slump.” The same thing has happened to Mr. Romney, which is marked not only by his flip flops but also by any attempt to rally the Republican troops behind his cause. But I am an outsider here. I merely observe the debates and the progress of the primary season on the Republican side with great amusement.

In the elections that took place in November of this year, Mr. Romney suffered two horrendous mistakes. In the first place, Mr. Romney backed the Governor of Ohio, John Kasich, in his attempt to strip bargaining rights for union workers in that state. The proposition was that state workers, nurses, firemen, policemen, et al. would have no say – no say – in determining their working conditions. This is one of the proposals put forward by the Governor of Ohio that Mitt Romney backed 110%. Well, the day after the election results were determined, it is clear that the citizens of the state of Ohio don’t wish for any such thing to happen. That proposal had a resounding defeat. So Mr. Romney’s slump continues unabated.

Now in a second case in point which contributes to Romney’s slump, there was a ballot measure in Mississippi which I have described in an earlier essay in this mailing. Essentially it would establish the new principle that if any fertilized egg, the process of human conception, were destroyed, it would be the equal of murder. This is serious business. In effect, it would establish a new cruel principle that any abortion would be the equal of murder. When the votes were counted in the recent elections, the proposition to amend the state constitution lost by a vote of 58 to 42%. Even the residents of Mississippi, who are not distinguished by their brilliance, saw through this and rejected it.

But not Mitt Romney. The day before the vote was taken, Mitt Romney told the press that he was for it, “absolutely.” I tend to rest my case when the citizens of Mississippi are smarter than Mitt Romney. And this was in a Republican primary. When the great former Governor of Massachusetts endorses a proposition “absolutely” and it meets with defeat at the hands of the Mississippi voters, we know that Romney is in one hell of a slump.

My own view, which is widely known to readers of Ezra’s Essays, is that a woman should at all times retain control over her body. It seems to me that religious and political authorities pile on women simply because they are weaker and have less earning power. On top of that, they bear the children. In summary, I hold with the view that every woman has the right to control her body. And that the efforts of politicians in this case to declare a fertilized egg that is aborted as murder is nuts. A similar view is held with religious authorities, some of whom claim to achieve superior status by their celibacy. When their rulings conflict with my view that a woman has complete control over her body, I hold with my view.

Well, as you can see, Mitt Romney’s slump left him in a tie with the former pizza king, Herman Cain, for the leadership in the Republican sweepstakes to challenge the President. My guess is that Mr. Cain had his moment in the sun and will soon fade from view. All of this leaves Mitt Romney, flip flopper par excellence, at the head of the pack. If, as now seems probable, sometime in the coming year Mr. Romney succeeds to the role of challenging the President, I will follow that race with great interest. But in the meantime, I am following the Republican primaries, particularly the debates, with great interest because of their entertainment value.

If Romney eventually does become the Republican challenger to Barack Obama, I will be delighted to hear Willard Romney why he said “absolutely” on the question of whether a murder warrant ought to be issued for every abortion in the great state of Mississippi. That will be a very interesting development and I am awaiting it with bated breath.

E. E. CARR

November 14, 2011

Essay 597

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Kevin’s commentaries:

You know, I kinda miss the circus that was the Republican primaries. A little bit. In any event it is clear that he is still slumping, and after being thoroughly beaten in 2012 I doubt he will be seeking reelection in 2016. The 47% thing was really the nail in that coffin, but it shouldn’t have been. The moment he started declaring his own policies as awful should have been a huge red flag for everyone. It all turned out okay, though.

You may recall that the large house across the street from this residence installed an outhouse some 16 or 17 months ago on their front lawn. During that period of time, the outhouse became beloved by delivery men, the postman, and my friends and relatives. The sad fact of the matter is that on November 18 the outhouse disappeared. The mailmen, delivery men, and passers-by made it a point during the outhouse’s existence to automatically stop at the outhouse to make a deposit. But the fact of the matter is that now the outhouse is gone and only fond memories of it linger.

The house that had the outhouse has a total of five and a half bathrooms inside. But for reasons unknown to pedestrians such as myself, they had a need for adding a sixth bathroom. As time went on, everyone knew of the location of the outhouse and they used it, while thinking kind thoughts about the owners of the property. But now the outhouse is gone and inquiries about it result in my saying that it went back to where it came from. It is a hell of a note for my daughters to be inquiring about the outhouse on the neighbor’s property as opposed to my well being. But that is the way it is.

It is quite possible that the 99% of the protesters in New York and in other cities would lodge a protest about the disappearance of the outhouse. If that were the case, I would say that their cause was justified.

Losing the outhouse is a lot like losing an old friend. It was not on my property but it was a source of conversation among our friends. More than anything else, it provided relief for the mailman and every delivery man that came by the facility. I cannot say that I am distressed by the disappearance of the outhouse. It was an eyesore that existed for much too long. Now that it is gone, I say to myself, “You never know how you will miss them until they’re gone.” And I suspect that is the way a good many people around here feel about the disappearance of the outhouse on Long Hill Drive.

So now my daughters and their husbands must think up questions that I should be asked about current events. It seems to me that this is a proper question to put to Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry. Perhaps they may shed some light on this mystery which will be as unrevealing as their answers to the questions in the debates. But the fact of the matter is, “You never know how you will miss them until they’re gone.” Now that the outhouse has disappeared, I can only say that I have a feeling of relief, tranquility and longing for “la outhouse”.

Upon reflection, it may be that this essay should be properly entitled “Molasses Immobility.” But we will get to that question a bit later.

It may well be that readers of Ezra’s Essays are unfamiliar with the term molasses. I always try to be helpful in these circumstances and here is what a reference source has to say about molasses.

Sweet and thick, molasses is what is left when sugar cane or sugar beets are processed to make refined sugar. It has a full flavor, dark roasted and tangy. There are three types of molasses. The first is light molasses, second dark molasses, and finally black strap. Light molasses comes from the first boiling, while dark molasses comes from the second boiling and the third is black strap which comes from the third boiling and is thick, dark, and bitter.

I became aware of molasses as soon as I could walk or toddle. My recollection is that my father kept a jar of molasses on our kitchen table. It was a useful jar in that during the Depression it was sometimes the only dessert that we had. The dessert consisted of a piece of white bread, I believe sometimes called Wonder Bread, which in good times was covered with some margarine. My recollection also is that margarine came as a colorless substance. There was a yellow dye which came with the margarine that could be used to make it appear as though the bread was buttered. But in fact it was only colored margarine. It is also my recollection that flies had a considerable attraction to molasses. If the jar was left open an instant too long, a fly would get his legs caught in the sweet syrupy concoction which was fatal to the fly. In spite of the warnings about eating black strap molasses, it is my impression that my father greatly favored black strap, which he said contributed to muscularity and long life. I had my doubts about the latter.

I have told you about the various kinds of molasses in order to illustrate a point. It turns out that as one increases in the age department and is also afflicted by a case of peripheral neuropathy, walking becomes a bit difficult. Whereas I used to think that walking several miles was unremarkable, now I find that getting from my chair or bed to the bathroom is regarded as a great feat. It finally struck me recently that walking under these circumstances is like trudging through molasses. It is not enough to stop you completely but it is an impediment. Perhaps the easiest way to explain this is to say that a person walking through sludge would be similar to one marching through molasses. Basically speaking, this is a matter of the aging process and is no cause for great alarm. It is simply like dying in installments.

My father would be happy to know that molasses has brought back memories of him. He was a proud man who labored every day of his life with his hands. I have no great attraction for molasses. I thought it was a useful metaphor for describing what it is like when a youngster of my age attempts to get from one place to another.

We ordinarily shop at a place called Whole Foods, which features organically grown produce. They have all kinds of highly-sophisticated syrups for pancakes but none that are really designed for Wonder Bread. As a matter of fact, they don’t carry molasses at all.

So as you can see, this is another chapter in the aging process of Ezra. But I remind you that six years ago I wrote an essay distributed to all of you entitled “Sing No Sad Songs for This Old Geezer.” Now I am trudging through the sludge of molasses as I attempt to go from one place to another, but I treat it more as a matter of amusement than of tragedy. So if any of you are inclined to buy some molasses of the various boilings, I will help you eat it. I think that is a pretty safe bet because in this part of the country when molasses is mentioned, the response is, “You said what?” For old times’ sake, I might like to have a taste of molasses on Wonder Bread covered with margarine with the yellow pill to make it appear like butter. But I am willing to subdue my craving for molasses and merely use it as an excuse to write this essay about walking as though feet were encumbered by trudging through the hazards of molasses.

I leave it to my readers whether this essay should be called “Molasses Mobility” or “Molasses Immobility.” It is a question that we should refer to the Congress of the United States. Perhaps they could settle this question, despite the fact that they seem to be unable to settle anything else.

E. E. CARR

November 20, 2011

Essay 594

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Kevin’s commentary: I actually just learned about the process of dying margarine yellow within the past week. I went twenty-two years without knowing that that was a thing that happened, and now here I am learning about it twice in a week. I think there’s a name for that type of phenomenon, and it has to do something with probabilities and the brain’s propensity to seek patterns but hell, I’m happy to just call it ‘odd.’

In other news, the phrase “[Aging] is simply like dying in installments” belongs on a motivational poster somewhere.

As it so happens, I finished my glorious career in the Army of the United States, not the United States Army, in the great state of Mississippi. I use that title, “the great state of Mississippi,” because it is always used by politicians. In August of 1945, I had returned to this country after 28 months abroad and had received a thirty-day furlough from the Army of the United States. At the conclusion of the furlough, I was to report to a town called Greenwood, Mississippi where we were to be prepared for the final assault on the Japanese homeland. During that period in Greenwood, we were to be introduced to a new airplane called the A-26, which had replaced the A-20. But the A-26 never appeared. Earlier in August in that year of 1945, we had bombed Hiroshima and then Nagasaki, which caused the Emperor Hirohito to throw in the towel. On August 15th or 16th, the diminutive emperor sent a crippled diplomat, top hat and all, to Tokyo Bay where he was forced to climb the rigging of the Battleship Missouri to sign a document presented by General MacArthur that concluded the war. But as you know, military orders are orders and must be followed. And so it was that at the end of August, I reported to a non-existent training for the A-26 based in Greenwood, which had no such airplanes in store. They were never to appear, by the way.

Aside from that experience, I know nothing to speak of admirably about “the great state of Mississippi.” It has been, I believe, 66 years since I have been there and I do not yearn to go back there.

Now comes news that on November 8, which is Tuesday of this week, Mississippians will be asked to vote on a measure that will change the constitution of the great state of Mississippi. Here is what they will vote on, which includes an explanation furnished by the great state of Mississippi:

On November 8th, 2011, Mississippi voters will decide whether to add an amendment to the Mississippi State Constitution. The text of the ballot referendum will read:

Initiative #26 would amend the Missisippi Constitution to define the word “person” or “persons”, as those terms are used in Article III of the state constitution, to include every human being from the moment of fertilization, cloning, or the functional equivalent thereof.

The language of the proposed new Article III, Section 33 would be as follows:

Section 33. Person defined. As used in this Article III of the state constitution, “The term ‘person’ or ‘persons’ shall include every human being from the moment of fertilization, cloning, or the functional equivalent thereof.”

Passage of this initiative, which seems likely, could have a profound effect on civil liberties, both in Mississippi and nationally.

I am not a Rhodes Scholar and I have no credentials in the profession of legalistic interpretations. But it is quite clear that Mississippians are going to be asked to take the law back to prehistoric times. A close reading of the ballot measure would disclose that anyone involved in an abortion would be guilty of murder. That of course is my interpretation and I have found few people who would disagree with that. Joseph Ratzinger, who is the current Pope, has said that he would like to take the Church back to the second century of the Common Era. Why he chose the second century is a mystery. In any event, it is clear that the German Pope would like things the way they were more than 2,000 years ago. Mississippi has gone even further than the Pope has. I gather that a close reading of the ballot measure would relay the idea that anyone associated with an abortion in the great state of Mississippi was guilty of murder. Haley Barbour, the Governor of Mississippi, is not entranced by this ballot measure. He has said that he will vote against it. Over the years, I have had no reason to agree with Haley Barbour but in this case I do find myself in agreement with the great governor of the great state of Mississippi. You will note that in the explanation, no exceptions are provided for rape or incest or the life of the mother. Once the egg is fertilized, the die is cast and people who toy with that procedure will do so under the penalty of murder.

The election will take place on Tuesday, which is two days from now, and I will try to amend this essay with the results of the voting. But I believe that all of you know where your Uncle Ezra comes from. It is my view that women should be free to govern their own destinies. I cannot understand the attempt by religious authorities to impose greater burdens upon the female race. Women bear the children and keep track of how the household is running. I should think that that is enough but in this vote Mississippi wishes to impose another burden upon them. It goes without saying that Mississippi together with its neighboring state of Alabama has degraded the American society. This same ballot measure has been defeated on two occasions, as I understand it, in the state of Colorado. I understand that there are those who continue to try to get states to put it on a ballot in the hope that somewhere it might succeed.

In the end I hold the view that a woman must have control over her own body and no religious authorities or legal authorities should intrude upon that right. But as of this moment, we will await the outcome of the balloting in the great state of Mississippi.

There is one final thought before the end results of the balloting are to be announced. I reported to Greenwood, Mississippi around the first of September in 1945. The army at that point was most intent upon keeping as many as soldiers as it could through re-enlistment. On one occasion the Colonel who commanded Greenwood required us all to attend a pep talk in the theater which must have held perhaps a thousand men. In the midst of the pep talk, the colonel got so wound up that he was confused and a GI in the audience stood up and yelled, “Colonel, why don’t you try it in a prone position?” From that point, the Colonel had lost his audience and the war being over, we had no problem with ignoring military discipline and yelling at him. I suppose that was not a high mark in his career as an army officer.

There is one other thought that I feel compelled to report to you. When my orders finally came through to report to Scott Field, Illinois I went to the local railroad station and caught the Yazoo and Mississippi Valley Railroad to go to Memphis. At Memphis there was a bus of antiquated design to take us the final 300 miles to St. Louis, my home. The bus was crowded and a young woman occupied the aisle seat next to me. She was a talkative sort and soon she disclosed that she had been raised on a farm in Mississippi and was now going to St. Louis to be a whore. I thought that this was very interesting and before long she disclosed that the bus, as antiquated as it could be, had a rest stop in a town called Blytheville, Arkansas just before it crossed into the state of Missouri. She said that the bus would be there about 15 minutes and that if we had the desire to consummate our love-making, there would be time to do it. I am certain that all of my readers would like to know that I did not take her up on her offer. As a matter of fact, my new wife was waiting for me at the bus depot in St. Louis. So I refrained from dealing with the prospective whore from Mississippi. But she was a nice conversationalist who helped to pass the time on a long bus trip that was punctuated by the squeaks and groans of the bus.

Until the results of the voting on the ballot measure prescribing murder for those involved in abortions are announced, perhaps on Tuesday evening, I intend to let this essay rest. But it is clear that while Joseph Ratzinger, the current Pope, wishes to take us only back to the second century, the measure that is being voted on will take us back to prehistoric times. Let us hope for the best.

This is an update on the Mississippi personhood debate. After I had dictated the foregoing essay, I found out that Haley Barbour has voted in favor of the personhood amendment. Haley was always a troglodyte in my estimation so this is becoming to him. The personhood amendment, however, was voted down by the people of Mississippi by a vote of 58 to 42. I hope never to hear of it again.

E. E. CARR

November 7, 2011

Essay 607

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Kevin’s commentary: Given that this anti-abortion bill has built in for provisions for human cloning, I am convinced that Mississippi actually exists in some impossible intersection of the future and the stone age. I posit that the great state of Mississippi change its motto to the “anytime but the present” state.

P.S. read more about this particular vote and how it wound up failing here.

This is being dictated on Friday, November 4, which is the eve of one of the happiest days in my long life. The happiness comes from the fact that tomorrow evening we will do away with daylight savings time. For a small while, if the politicians will keep their noses out of this celestial business, we will operate on standard time. This development makes me supremely happy.

I have never been a fan of daylight savings time. To start with, there is a contradiction in the title of “daylight savings.” Scholars have measured the length of days since time immemorial. The fact is that a day generally consists of 24 hours. In accordance with the divine plans and the tilt of the Earth during the summer days, daylight lasts somewhat longer. Conversely, in the winter the days are even shorter. In Scandinavia for example, during the winter time, there are very limited daylight hours to save during the normal working hours.

My contention has always been that daylight savings is nothing more than a colossal fraud. There is no such thing as saving daylight. The facts of the matter are that when we have sunshine, the days are bright and invariably followed by near total darkness. It would take a colossal fool to contend that man could save daylight. I seriously suspect that celestial powers may very well object to man’s intrusive desire to diddle with time. I do not pretend to be a Biblical scholar, but from what I have read, the thought of daylight savings time never occurred to the writers of the Bible. Methuselah lived, so the Bible says, for 900 years. The Bible does not tell us whether those years were lived during daylight savings time. I know that it is probably unbecoming of me to cite the Bible in support of my argument against daylight savings time but the fact is that nowhere in the Bible is there a mention of daylight savings time. As I have stated, there is no such thing as saving daylight.

The current crop of daylight savings dates back to the Second World War. The theory seemed to be that if we came to work earlier, we could get a lot done in support of the war effort. But those days are past now and it is clear that if we wish to extend the working day there is no prohibition against coming to work an hour earlier. Or to use my thought about daylight “unsavings” time, we could extend the workday into the evening. I am distinctly surprised that my arguments about tinkering around with time have not been made more forcefully by evangelical preachers. I do not wish to tread on the toes of those whose message is divine. In this case I find myself in total agreement with the ecclesiastical authorities.

But leaving all that aside, tomorrow night we will revert to the way that time has been kept since the clocks were first invented. I hope you noticed that in that previous sentence I did not say that we should revert back. If that is what it takes to rid us of the curse of daylight savings time, I am willing to say “revert back” for as long as it takes. In any event, I will go through the next day in joyful anticipation of reverting to standard time, which is the way I understand that time was kept in Biblical times. My joy at the demise of daylight savings time is unbounded. The change in time will take place at 2:00 AM on Sunday morning. I am not prepared to wait that long for the standard time to take place in this house. My celebration will start on daylight savings time but once those celebrations are finished, I will wind them up on standard time. Nothing could be fairer than that.

PS: My father would say and has said that daylight savings “ain’t natural.” My father and I did not agree on everything but in this case he was absolutely on target. So it could be said that father and son, both named Ezra Edgar, proclaim daylight savings as “ain’t natural.”

E. E. CARR

November 4, 2011

Essay 607(?)

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Kevin’s commentary: I had never heard that explanation for DST before. I had always thought it had to do with farmers or something but upon writing it out it strikes me that that doesn’t make much sense. Farmers get up at ungodly hours anyway and I doubt that they mind very much what time the clock shows when they do it. Ezra’s Essay’s have been a nice little tool for learning lately.

I think the Biblical endorsement is fine but the phrasing is wrong. Instead of simply “the Bible didn’t mention it,” I would have noted that if the undisputed #1 champion bullshit artists from human history didn’t go ahead and make up DST while it was making up all its other crap, that is a pretty good sign of just how silly the convention really is.

[Quick note from Kevin: We’re now officially foraying into 2011. Think I’d start with a piece or two written about one year ago exactly. Enjoy!]

As I have reported to you on more than one occasion, my first memory of anything occurred in October of 1926. Prior to that time, the New York Yankees had a hammer lock on the world baseball title. In October of 1926, Grover Cleveland Alexander, the Cardinal pitcher, won the sixth game of the World Series and thought that he would be spared any further duty. But Frank Frisch called on him to pitch to Tony Lazzeri, the feared Yankee slugger, in the sixth inning of the final game. Baseball historians will tell you that in this case mighty Casey had struck out. Alexander went on to pitch the rest of that game and held the Yankees scoreless. It became the first World Series title for St. Louis. Beyond that, it was my first memory of anything.

Now here it is 85 years later and the St. Louis Cardinals have done it again. They have defeated the Texas Rangers and are now the undisputed champions of the 2011 baseball season. If my memory is reasonably correct, the St. Louis Cardinals now have 11 titles to their credit. So, I am inclined to indulge in a figure of magnanimity for the Chicago Cubs. It is fairly obvious that the Chicago Cubs will not win a pennant for many years to come. They have a new manager and he will have to deal with the inflated salaries and egos of the Cubs ball players. Now look at it in this light. Chicago is one of my favorite towns. We even have an elder daughter who was born there. During 85 years – the title to this essay – the Chicago Cubs have won exactly nothing. During that time the St. Louis Cardinals have won the World Series on at least 11 occasions. This strikes me as an unfairness of the first order.

Accordingly, I am proposing that at the end of the 2012 baseball season, in which I expect the Cardinals to again be victorious, the St. Louis club will abdicate their title after winning the next World Series. They will designate the Chicago Cubs the recipient of their abdication. I expect that this will be a gesture of human magnanimity which even people such as James Reese, formerly of Florida, will understand. Having made this magnanimous gesture on behalf of the St. Louis Cardinal has filled my heart with joy. I can take no more cheerfulness at this point so I will herewith terminate this essay, knowing that good has been done to all of mankind.

E. E. CARR

November 7, 2011

Essay 609(?)

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Kevin’s commentary: Until I read this essay a few months ago, I had no clue that Aunt Mo was from Chicago. I have no idea if she was born there or if she actually lived there for any extended period of time. Perhaps Pop will clue me in.

The other thing that struck me as neat about this essay is that it exemplifies a phenomenon that I have occasionally noticed regarding sports and myself. The phenomenon is this: I know almost nothing about sports — seriously, next to nothing — but the sports that I do find myself randomly coming into contact with fit squarely into the “almost” part of “almost nothing.”

Perhaps this is unclear. Hell, that is definitely unclear. As an example, though, I know approximately four baseball teams: the Texas Rangers, the Chicago Cubs, the Houston Astros, and the St. Louis Cardinals. I could not tell you a single baseball player on any one of these teams except a Cubs player by the name of “fukudome,” who I only remember because it is lewd if you read it right.

Seriously though, that’s all the baseball teams that come to mind. I guess I know the Yankees too but that name only comes to me after thinking hard about baseball teams for a solid thirty seconds, that’s the only other one I came up with. I guess the Mets too. Point being despite me knowing practically zero about sports, all three teams mentioned in this essay were ones that I am familiar with. I know about the Rangers because Bush owned them, the Cubs because I have seen several of their games, and the Cardinals because my friend Sam once borrowed my car to go watch a Cardinals game and it made me nervous.

The thought here is that the odds of me knowing even one baseball team that Pop could write about are poor, and of me knowing 100% of the teams mentioned, astronomically poor. But yet I do. And this happens with sports a lot, which makes it seem like I am better-informed than I am. This makes me happy and so consider this a formal request to the world: henceforth I only wish tangentially encounter information regarding sports about the handful of teams with which I am already passingly familiar.

Also, this is the only essay in which my commentary has rivaled the length of the essay itself. I will attempt not to ramble so much in the future.