“Big Brother” Photo Recap: Idiots In Peril

When we last left our frowning cellmates, legitimate grownwoman Helen had just nominated Aaryn and Kaitlin for eviction. The reason? She has this crazy notion to punish the house’s most awful, hideously stupid jackasses.

“Being on the block is awkward. Nothing can prepare you for those stupid sympathy hugs that no one really wants to give you.”

If I were Kaitlin, I would take hugs in whatever flavor they were made available to me. Sympathetic, unsympathetic, grape, watermelon, blue, whatever. I wouldn’t hug this dame if she were wearing a Barney the Dinosaur suit. But speaking of prehistoric simpletons…

“I pretty much knew that I was going to be nominated because I’ve been a straight shooter and because I have a strong personality, and the fact that I’m a strong competitor on top of all that? Puts a huge target on me.”

“Strong personality” is a good candidate for euphemism of the century, because what she actually meant is “apparent manic xenophobia.” You’d think at this point she’d announce, “One of my main problems in this house is being a known racist. Hard to recover from that one. Any tips, America? Should I apologize to someone? Ooh, better idea: I’ll try wearing banana curls or something.”

Meanwhile, Spencer opens up to Helen about how Howard betrayed her and voted to evict Elissa last week.

“Talking to Helen, I can tell that she’s very upset and very hurt.”

“I’m crying a lot, but I’m using it as a strategy. I’m a mom. When I cry, my kids do what I want them to do. So here come the water works, Spencer.”

Maybe Helen isn’t the funniest or zaniest cast member in Big Brother history, but you have to admire her for playing a logical, yet manipulative game. She just wheedled Spencer The Mastodon into trusting her. Doesn’t he know he has magnificent tusks that could crush her? Enjoy extinction, Spence.

Oh, look! Elissa is named MVP for the third week in a row, and everyone is surprised except everyone. Excitement attempts to cross her face, but yards of well-concealed masking tape are holding her lips, teeth, and cheeks into permanent catatonia. Look! Almost happiness!

But wait. Sadness too.

Elissa thinks the saucy Amanda and the diggable McCrae are forcing an agenda upon her. They want Howard nominated as the MVP’s surprise third pick, but Elissa is choosing this episode to resist that rational idea at all costs. “They are trying to villainize Howard, and I’m not going for it,” she tells us. And you, Elissa, are villainizing the English language by inventing new words on accident. You are the Most Villainizing Player.

I understand being conscious of other players’ manipulation, but we’re still in Week 3 of this damn game. Just unite against the biggies who need to leave now, then think of betraying true comrades like Amanda and McCrae. For now, there’s no reason to defy your showmantic allies.

Helen, Amanda, and McCrae’s main plan is simple: Keep Aaryn and Kaitlin on the block, basically disregard the veto competition, and then backdoor the tiger-blooded Cherokee infant Jeremy no matter what happens and vote him out. There’s a slight chance Jeremy could be selected randomly to play the veto competition and then win himself immunity, but if that doesn’t happen, he’s toast. The only kink in the plans? Howard should be nominated for eviction in the meantime since he’s such a strong player, but Elissa’s pride and non-reasoning are too important at the moment. She picks Spencer to be the third nominee, and that’s unimpressive since Spencer is just a dim, inflated version of Casey Abrams from American Idol. Wish it was Spencer who hid behind an upright bass most of the time.

Hmm. Not the cleverest eviction pool I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile, Aaryn and Kaitlin realize the rest of the house is attempting to backdoor their ally Jeremy, and thus they break into a heartwarming conversation about Kaitlin’s 22-day-old passion for the man. It’s deep. Almost a month old, honestly. It’s a week more than half a month, technically. Three weeks and a day. ALMOST FOUR WEEKS OF ROMANCE, PEOPLE.

“Think about how sh*tty it would feel to win the veto and still be responsible for Jeremy’s demise,” Aaryn clamored to Kaitlin.

“It would literally be the worst feeling in the world,” Kaitlin replied.

Bulletin: I can think of worse feelings. Like stomaching another glib usage of “literally” and feeling obligated to point it out. No one likes a grammar totalitarian, but I have no choice but to complain when Kaitlin keeps breaking verbal laws and jaywalking all over the most misused word in the OED.

Oh, and for the hell of it, look who showed up to be insane.

Probably the most terrifying Cheri Oteri character ever.

The veto challenge, which features nominees Aaryn, Kaitlin, Spencer and random choices Candice and GinaMarie (no Jeremy! He’s screwed!), is a cleverly designed game where players have to jump on a trampoline to peek over a fence and inspect a next-door neighbor’s arrangement of artwork, then recreate the arrangement with copies of the neighbor’s paintings. Kaitlin wins it, but not before we watch Spencer do his best to jump on a trampoline and absorb information.

Aw, he has his little prairie dog arms up. That means he’s thinking.

As winner of the POV, Kaitlin is basically obligated to save herself from eviction. At the veto meeting, she tearfully throws herself to safety and stares on helplessly with her perturbed Kristen Stewart face as Helen replaces her with Jeremy.

Thankfully, Jeremy takes the hit like a man. Here is an actual quote he hurled at Kaitlin, touting his skills in the house. “I’m so bad-ass! I can’t help it. A champ is a champion. I don’t lose. It’s in my blood.”

Kaitlin, right on cue, whines back, “You did lose.”

Now you’re thinking, girl.

Sounds like Jeremy is a sure bet to go home tomorrow. Is there any chance that Aaryn or Spencer can trot on out the door? Enlighten me, please! And please keep your racial slurs to a minimum. Save them for Thursday when Aaryn uses most of hers.