Not in Alberta! Maybe I am overreacting … Maybe I am not …

When I realized (in January) that despite my best efforts I still did not have a job and could not afford to pay Kyia’s school fees, which I had been putting of in the hopes that I would find a job and be able to pay them, I requested a “Fee Waiver” from The Calgary Board of Education (CBE). This was VERY hard for me. Between my pride and my anxiety, it made me cry that I had to “ask for help”. But there is no possible way for me to afford the nearly $400 they want for school fees. YES you read that right. $400 fucking dollars per year (PLUS the hundreds they want you to pay for field trips, and additional school activities throughout the year) for a “FREE” education. I understand that some SMALL fees (Small=$25-$50 MAX) may be acceptable but $400+ is just outrageous!! This is Canada for fuck sake. How in the fuck does CBE justify approx $400 they say noon super vision, transportation, school supplies etc….
1. My child does not get supervised at noon!! She is in grade 8 and leaves the school grounds most days. And seriously!! These pussy-ass fucking teachers who BARELY even teach kids any more can’t SHARE lunch supervision?? I respect teachers, don’t get me wrong…well I used to…but these days it seems the teachers need to be coddled and babied. They don’t teach our children the things they need. They baby them by “passing” everyone. They rarely discipline (I don’t mean straps, just detention or even a goddamn scolding!). And they cut out essential core studies … like Cursive and multiplication tables!!! The teachers need to “man-the-fuck-up” and TEACH our kids! …oh I am going off topic … The teachers are paid for their day in their salaries … They should NOT get extra to monitor lunch hours. This should simply be mandatory shared tasks INCLUDED IN THEIR FUCKING JOB!!!!
2. Transportation … I cannot bitch much about this one really… Because we live in a different school zone, my daughter does not take school buses. We chose to not send her to the school in our zone so I am not “charged” this (additional $335) fee and I buy her a monthly transit pass to get to school. However … I believe the rate for school bus transit is a bit much … I have not fully researched all of the other provinces, but I do KNOW that the majority of the provinces do not have this fee!! (Or ANY of these overpriced fees!)
3. School supplies … Oh this one makes my blood boil!! I BUY HER SCHOOL SUPPLIES!! The BUDGET Buys teacher supplies. What the actual fuck is this bullshit!! I go out and spend $100 ish dollars on the LIST that the CBE gives out for instructional supplies and then they try to charge me (Approx $150)for more!! You don’t pay … they THREATEN YOU!!! New Brunswick School fees $25 and buy your own school supplies OR $35 School supplies INCLUDED (NO transportation fee, NO supervision fee, NO Bullshit!!). If you don’t pay, you don’t get threatened, you just don’t get the school planner. FUCK YOU CBE!!! FUCK YOU!!! Greedy fucking dickface CBE!! Again, FUCK YOU!

Anyhoo, Back to the “Fee Waiver”, I was apparently never approved…Yesterday I received an email from the CBE basically threatening me. Pay or we will send you to collections!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!! I sent an email stating that I applied for fee waiver months ago…ATTACHING the original email and including a snippit from their webpage showing that I had applied. The message they sent back was that I need a “Child Health Benefits card”. Um. No. No I fucking don’t! I am not going to the goddamned government begging for fucking anything. It is bad enough that I am back on the dreadful EI. I will not go to them for ANYTHING (unless absolutely necessary… like EI because work is scarce and I need fricking money…also I paid into that shit). So I told them that (in a nicer way) I simply said, “I do not need nor want a benefits card. You have my financial information. That is all you need. They came back with basically a too bad, that is our policy. You have to go to Alberta Works and basically apply to be low-income and get that Child Health Benefits Card. Are you fucking kidding me!!! I lost it. I literally walked away from the computer and left my reply until this morning. Which was still kind of nasty…because I am still PISSED So Here is what I sent off:

“To whom it may concern, I have submitted a fee waiver and have forwarded my EI income information already- MONTHS ago!! You threaten to send me to collections KNOWING that I can NOT afford to pay these fees. I am disgusted that you will NOT approve the fee waiver just because I am not on social assistance/Welfare?! I am on EMPLOYMENT INSURANCE! I have ALREADY stated this! I do NOT need nor want a health benefits card and there is NO reason that I should be forced to get some letter calling/labeling me “low-income” or forced to get this health card thing. YOU have my financial information!! Why do you want to embarrass, belittle and STRESS people and families by forcing them to announce to the world that they are poor? I have enough stress and anxiety in my life, I sure as heck do not need The Calgary School Board adding to it! I have shared my financial woes with you, yet you want me to go to a multitude of others announcing my struggles. This process is despicable. This process is WRONG. I have sent you the information and there is no reason for you to force me to embarrass and stress myself further. I am on EI. I make LESS than 2000 per month. My rent, bills and food expenses meet and sometimes exceed that amount. Last year I made under $40,000 and the ONLY reason it was that “high” is because I did work for 6 months of the year…but still technically below the poverty line! Unfortunately I was let go in early October, JUST after an emergency trip to NB (that I am STILL trying to pay off!) leaving me unemployed and BROKE. I expect The Calgary School Board (or ANY school board for that matter) to be a bit more respectful and understanding to people in these situations. When YOU are provided with sufficient financial information to approve a family for a fee waiver. JUST DO IT! Don’t send them to the government agencies. Don’t send them to the school. Don’t force this embarrassment onto them. And for God sake do NOT Threaten them!!! Just take that information and make the darn approval. We live in CANADA. Education is supposed to be FREE!!!! Maybe it is my pride talking or maybe it is my social anxiety, It does not matter, DO not force people into uncomfortable situations. Period. Now please look into this. Thank you.”

Too much? Should I be this Mad? Am I over-reacting? I don’t think so. Why? …

Education is MANDATORY in Canada. Education is a RIGHT in Canada. Education is FREE in Canada. FREE you fucking idiots. FREE. Not $400 dollars or we will send you to collections. FREE!

So Now I apparently have to go to the principal of my daughters school and beg them to approve the waiver “in house” …what a fucking hassle for this free education. Did I mention…

So Kyia has her first boyfriend … How the fuck do I deal with this!!! My mind is scattered all over the place with this one. Inside I am freaking-the-fuck-out!! Outside, I am playing the cool mom whom Kyia can tell everything to … It is killing me!!So lets go over some points …

I was a teen girl once, but at 13 I had no boyfriends and little interest in the idiots I went to school with…seriously, one or 2 of them WERE cute, I suppose… BUT Assholes and Morons!! Sure I had crushes on “celebrities” like Jon Bon Jovi, Jason Bateman, Charlie Schlatter and “Bo Duke” (John Schneider) also …. ummm … well …*cough**cough* Jon Knight *cough**cough* and maybe *cough**cough* *cough**cough* Wil *cough**cough* Wheaton *cough**cough* But, Well, Believe it or not, as the saying goes … “sweet 16 and never been kissed”. I was actually 16 when I had my first “real” boyfriend and my first kiss and lost my virginity (I say “real” because I had a boyfriend named Jimmy when I was 4 or 5 that probably lasted like a day. And I actually had a Boyfriend at 14 … but I literally said yes to this dip-shit just to get him to leave me alone. *Eyeroll* He bugged me and asked me to be his girlfriend over and over and I repeatedly told him “no” over and over until I finally said FINE! We lasted 3 days… when we went swimming and he pushed my, unable to swim, little sister into the deep end of the pool … I dumped him and threatened him that if I ever saw him again, I would beat the shit out of him … I never saw him again…I was a little “rough around the edges” and tough as nails with a temper that would scare Satan when I was younger. LOL). So back on point, I went fast, or so I think I did, now… I had my first boyfriend and first kiss, 6 months later we broke up and I got my second boyfriend and just over a month together, I lost my virginity … Terrifying! But this plays in my mind, this and KNOWING how boys think and what they think about … *shudder* Despite still being a girl and having girly thoughts and feelings (that I hid) I grew up, kind of “tomboy-ish”. I have always been “one of the boys” I relate better with the guys… frilly, prissy, catty chicks piss me the fuck off! Being “one of the boys” allowed the guys to speak freely around me… so yes, I KNOW how and what they think. Anyhoo…As a teen girl, if my mother told me no … well I did it out of spite. My mother said I can’t hang out with a certain person? I would do it more. My mother said I can’t go out? I jumped out my bedroom window. I know better than to pull the “Your too young for a boyfriend” crap … that will make her want it more! So ….

I play the cool mom. Kyia informed me of her crush a couple of months ago, and she told me as soon as he asked her out (about 3 weeks ago). She told me when he tried to kiss her (a few times) and how she dodged it and she told me when she did finally let him kiss her (last weekend!!)…I died inside, just sayin…She trusts me enough to tell me these things. Why? Because, despite the fucking devastating bomb that just detonated in my guts I hold it together and smile and talk to her about it…or just smile and say something nice … depending on both of our moods. She trusts that I am not going to tell the whole planet about them. She trusts that I am not going to tease and ridicule her (much). She trusts that I am going to be there for her. She KNOWS that I am her best friend … no matter how much she pretends it is the other kids… lol. She knows. She trusts. I listen. I respect.

My insides are going to cause a nuclear meltdown. I mean seriously … I suffer from Anxiety, occasional Depression (which is currently “on”), a little OCD and over-protectiveness …. and My baby girl has her first boyfriend!!! PANIC ATTACK in effect!! The emotions and thoughts are running rampant! Kissing, Sex, Heartache, STD’s, PREGNANCY!! OMG OMG OMG, Breathe!! Breathe!! A woman I used to work with has a 15 year old daughter who just had a baby … that is fucking retarded!!! When I was a teenager, A girl I knew who was 12, TWELVE, got pregnant! Jesus Christ! 12 and 15 years old, That IS a baby!! AIDS… need I say more! And for fucks sake what am I going to do when her heart is broken …although I do have LOTS of experience here since her dad has been breaking her heart for 13 fucking years ..fucking scum bag piece of shit dead beat…. but seriously … I know I “look” like I am holding it all together, but I am not. I want to tell her “NO dating until you are 16 (or 40)!” I want to scare that boy away! I want to ground her for life and move to a secluded island where there are no boys! I want to cry!!! There is so much responsibility that comes with boyfriends, love and sex. there is so much danger in it if one is not mature enough and or prepared. AND in this day and age, parents should be DRILLING information and facts on Sex, Pregnancy and STDs into their teenagers heads! Scare the shit out of the little bastards so that they will never have sex … hey! A mom can dream!! This is NOT the earlier 1900s when talking sex is Taboo … TALK TO YOUR FUCKING KIDS!!! Yes, it is awkward and uncomfortable, but I talk to Kyia about her menstrual period, boys, sex, STDs, Pregnancy, drugs and so-on. We both hate it, yes, but I want her informed. So we talk … sometimes too much … she gets so annoyed when I go on and on and on …. Hell sometimes I annoy myself! lol… So I “try” to have these talks in small doses, when a topic arises. Have we had all of “the” talks? No not yet, but she is 13 and we are starting them….also I need time to mentally prepare ME for these talks! THIS on top of the teenage “attitude… I think I am going to die!

The Boy … Kyia had him over this weekend. They hung out all day and we brought them out to Dinner. I drilled him with Questions…nothing too crazy… what do you like to do? got brothers or sisters? pets? You know, those type questions … they may get more “difficult” with each visit… muahahahaha! He SEEMS like a pretty good kid. He is Athletic, Plays (and is apparently fairly obsessed with) Basketball. He plays for the school and (I think) for a city team and he watches the NBA and he plays video game basketball. He is quiet and a little shy. He is in Band. He “used to” play World of Warcraft. He played D&D once. He lives with his dad. He seems smart. The boy has a nerdy side (BONUS!). But … His preferred music Genre is Rap… could he pick a worse (IMO) Genre… fak…Well everyone has flaws I guess. He talks more quietly than Kyia. He is too shy (and indecisive) to make a decision. They took a trip to the park for a couple hours and we had our dinner trip, but other than that, they hung out in her room most of the day…with the door WIDE open and Momma “passing by” randomly. I caught him attempting a kiss at one point and went right in the room and sat my ass down… both of them bright red … I sat there for a good 10-15 minutes just “chatting” away. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to grab him by the scruff of the neck and throw him out the window…or through the wall! But instead, I calmly interrupted his attempt and sat down to continue the interruption. NO Kissing in my presence!! NO Kissing in my house!! I know they have kissed (now keep in mind this is 13 year old kissing… pecks on the lips) and I am not going to ground her over it, but I do NOT condone it. I do NOT approve of it. She is my Baby!!!

What I am doing … reading, researching and communicating…also breathing, a lot of calming deep breaths and crying… a lot of very emotional cries … I recently had someone (a couple someones actually) tell me, Just tell her not to do it. She is too young, do not allow it. But realistically … She is 13. Boys are a part of her life. Teenage attitude, especially if she is anything like her mom, can be very spiteful. So it is MY opinion that in MY circumstance, MY parenting for this is to make sure she is informed. To make sure they always have a chaperone (of sorts) even if it is a group of friends. But to do that I need to inform myself so….

Today is a VERY bad depressing day. I literally forced myself out of bed today…twice. I really just want to go back, but for now maybe some blog therapy will help….? Doubtful, but let’s give it a go, writing it out does occasionally help so let’s see…if not maybe I will colour. It all started yesterday (actually it started WAY before that, but for the sake of this post, we will say yesterday) when Finn got an interview and was offered the job during the interview…now hold on to your judgement… back up a tiny bit with a sum up, Finn was laid off 8 months ago. In the last 8 months he applied for ONE fucking job (Actually I think there may have been a second one that I harassed him into applying for), got an interview and the job. I spent every goddamn day (well every weekday and occasional weekend days) for the last 7 months looking through thousands of postings, going to/cold calling dozens of companies, applying for HUNDREDS of jobs and attending dozens of interviews and job fairs. So yes, despite my happiness that Finn is finally getting off his lazy ass, I am resentful and bitter that I work so hard and he does next to nothing. No, I shouldn’t be and I try to fight it and hide it but this is what depression AND anxiety does to a person. All I can think about is how un-fucking-fair this is. “They” say good things happen to good people… Well Fuck “them”, fucking liars. When the fuck is my “good” going to happen? I do good deeds ALL the time, Despite (currently) being classified as poor, I still give to charities and those in need, I am kind to people, despite not liking people very much, I care WAY too much. I help people even after they lie to me, abuse me, cheat on me, betray me and/or hurt me. I often go without so others have. Yet, here I am, a 40 year old fucking failure who can’t get nor keep a fucking job despite being, hard working, reliable, honest, punctual, ethical and intelligent…? (Maybe I am not that smart, maybe I am getting dumber by the fucking day, that sure is how I feel lately) and whose daughter is a selfish, ungrateful, materialistic, entitled, spoiled brat. And that brings me to today’s set off.

I had a little vent with Kyia this morning, after a horrible sleep due to “someone’s” tossing and turning and alarm at 4am (Because you know, when one needs to be a 30 minute drive away at 7 one must get up at 4… asshole). I was a bit cranky and I made a complaint about Finn not only not applying for the better paying job that I pointed out to him a couple days ago but also not even looking into it (Double pay compared to the job he just took, also better job with better company). So after that mini rant Kyia started her own (very teenage snotty) rant about Finn better apply for the other job because she is tired of being poor…Wait… what the fuck. You need to understand that while we are FAR from rich, and are actually what one might consider “poor” (at the moment, I have had some good jobs over the years, but right now I am on EI) we get by with NO help and I make sure that we live as if Finn’s income doesn’t exist, without him, we can live as we are now. (Because I swore when My own sister fucked me over that I would NEVER rely on anyone or anything again … I know, kind of petty but you don’t understand how horribly I have been hurt, betrayed and ripped off by my own family…over and over…So no one ever again will have me in any kind of state of dependence and invulnerability). My daughter gets everything she needs and almost everything she wants (which granted, has been a bit less the past few months). Despite being on EI for the better (worst?) part of the last 2 years (wait before I start this list, remember that a lot of this was purchased while I was working in decent jobs and with savings and such. Don’t you dare judge me and what I spend MY money on!!). Her entire wardrobe is Lulu Lemon, Bench, Nike, Roots, Converse, Thrasher, Brandy Melville, Pink etc… you get the point, all expensive name brands. She has her own custom built computer in her room she has a brand new phone, an ipod and TWO UE Mega-booms!! She HAD 2 tablets but destroyed them with her destructively jamming in the charger this also happened with 2 of her phones and yet although I refused to replace the tablet the second time, She always manages to get a new phone. She goes to ALL of her school events, which ALWAYS cost money, I buy her a monthly bus pass so she can attend the school her friends go to which is not in our district, I bought her hundreds of dollars of art supplies because she wanted it and she never touched it (this has actually happened with many “fad” things! …We have a Wii U so she could play Zelda and wii-fit, she doesn’t touch it, and an Atari – the new one with 101 games pre-loaded, because she wanted it to play frogger, she hasn’t touched it). I drive her all over hells creation because her 2 best friends live 20 minute drive away from us … in opposite directions!! I give her money whenever she needs it and almost always when she asks. Our fridge and cupboards are ALWAYS filled with food, good fresh food. She has her own space heater in her room in case she gets cold and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. FFS. So I snapped at her, I actually forget exactly what I said but it was something like “I am sorry if this life I have fought to provide isn’t good enough for you, but too goddamn bad!”

She had the fucking nerve to continue with “but I haven’t got anything new in a long time” … Christmas which brought in THOUSANDS of dollars in new clothes was less than 5 months ago!!! AND EASTER was just last fucking month (granted, Easter is a lot smaller, she did get new “roots” shorts and socks and the Atari)!! I lost it! I yelled. I literally yelled at her. Sure I raise my voice at her at times, but yelling is a rarity. I was so fucking mad that I called her selfish, I called her ungrateful, I called her selfish again, I called her materialistic and I called her selfish again. I freaked. And when I realized that my parenting skills of trying to raise a kind, thoughtful, Grateful, appreciative, daughter failed, I stormed off into my room, slammed the door and stayed in there crying for hours. I didn’t even walk her to the door when she left for school. I didn’t give her a hug and kiss goodbye. And I didn’t tell her I love her. I sat in my room and cried. I cried in disappointment, I cried in failure, I cried in depression. And then of course I started thinking about all the things that make me a failure and I cried some more. Of course it is my fault. I go without so that she can still have this stuff. I go without so she can have her lulu lemon tights, and roots jogging pants. I go without so she can have her Pink sweaters and Brandy Melville shirts. I go without so she can take the bus to the school she wants. I go without so she can get drives to her friends. I go without so she can have a phone. Maybe I gave her too much. Maybe I spoiled her too much. Now all that matters is her and her stuff. I spent the last 13 years suffering through hellish stressful days and shitty jobs. Suffered immensely just for her to become selfish and ungrateful. I did this. I can’t even express my disappointment in both her and myself. I can’t even express my hurt. I know she is only 13 but she watches me struggle every day and still throws being poor in my face. I can’t even. I just can’t. Because I am not depressed enough and I apparently don’t feel bad enough about myself and I don’t feel useless enough. I have never been so disappointed in my fucking life. I sit in my room and cry because I thought I raised her better. Guess not. I guess all my efforts have failed. Failed. Just like me.

So what do I do now? Is there still time to save her from becoming this person, this selfish and ungrateful bitch (NO, I am not calling my daughter a bitch, dumbass, I am asking how to stop her from becoming one!). Do I clean out her room, taking away everything that she holds dear, all of her expensive “stuff” INCLUDING her clothes and phone? Maybe ONLY shop at Wal-Mart and Value Village. Shall I give her the worst Christmas and Birthdays ever by giving her nothing? Grading present? NOPE! Shall we not go see another movie or not another meal out? Shall I transfer her to the school in our district so she can walk or take the school bus and miss all of her friends? Shall I make her live off of shitty ass cheap food? Corn flakes, Kraft dinner, Mr. Noodles and hot dogs EVERY day? No more drives. Anywhere. No more comping trips or day trips. What? There is a new “item” she wants. NO! FFS. How does a depressed parent, who can barely get out of bed teach a 13 year old to be appreciative … especially when the depressed parent feels like she has nothing to be grateful for most days …

Looking for a job while the market is down is one of the most frustrating things I’ve done.

EVERY day (well mon-fri, I take the weekends off!) I spend anywhere from 2 to 10 hours (usually 4-5 hours) searching and searching for work. I hunt through Indeed, Workopolis, Glass door, the JobBank, Monster, Recruiter sites as well as a few company specific sites (I have a “watch list” of specific companies that I think would suit me perfectly and I check in on them regularly). I have literally applied for hundreds of jobs over the last 6 to 18 months … that’s a big spread, maybe I should explain …

In Oct 2015 (18 months ago) I was laid off due to the slump in the economy, the bust part of the boom and bust cycle. Although I had some issues with my micromanaging, spying, arrogant manager, I loved everyone and everything else about my job. It broke my heart to be leaving my “Dream Job”. I spent the next 6 months going through the job searching process until I landed a job at (the corrupt) JOBHP in May 2016 … which after only 2 days, I discovered was a HORRIBLE place to work.

I immediately carried on my job search, but as I had a job, as despicable as it was, I was a little more picky in my hunt. In Oct 2016, I was fired before my probation period was over… Sum up … I was better at my job than the spoiled favourite, she didn’t like me because of it, I was called into HR as a witness to a harassment case being investigated on my immediate manager, interviewed by the HR personnel who is of course her (the manager’s) FRIEND, and I told the truth about the abuse suffered by ALL from that bitch manager, then (a couple weeks after the HR thing) my grandmother passed away and I took an APPROVED leave to go “home” for 2 weeks. 3 days after I returned from my grievance leave, I was fired….You can read a longer version here…

Thanks to JOBHP, my Anxiety went through the roof and thanks to 18 months of job searching, 13 of which I spent unemployed, Depression set in…I hide it, but it is there. Every minute of every day … Do you know how hard it is to get out of bed to get ready for an interview while depressed? Do you know how hard it is to be in an interview while in a depression? Do you know how hard it is AFTER the interview with Anxiety? Hard, Harder, Hardest.

So, back on point, I have literally applied for hundreds of jobs over the last 6 to 18 months, I have been on dozens of interviews including 3 with companies on my “watch list”. I fail. Over and over I fail. I am so nervous in my interviews that I end up bombing them (that bombing means to fail miserably, to not do well, to lose … not literal “bombing”, for fuck sake, you morons). I actually had a small handful of interviews that I thought went amazing…but still got the big … “yeah, sorry, your not what we are looking for”. You know, I actually had one process that carried on for 3 months, all the while being told repeatedly that they were very interested in me but had a few more interviews scheduled, just to be told in the end that they decided to not hire anyone, because no one “fit their criteria” ….What the actual fuck! “Dance little puppet, dance!” And that is ALWAYS the response…you didn’t fit our criteria, you don’t have enough experience. Here is some advice Employers … STOP FUCKING LYING TO US!!! We can not improve ourselves with no information on what we need to improve. If you wanted me to literally beg for that position then fucking tell me. If I was too jittery in the interview (due to nervousness, not heroin withdrawal!) then tell me that. Maybe you thought I wasn’t prepared because I was so nervous, say it! Maybe you just didn’t think my personality would fit in with your “stick up their ass” employees, Say so! Not enough experience in a certain area, point it out. Be more specific, “you don’t meet our criteria” is not a fucking reason, it is a cop-out …because if I didn’t meet your criteria…why did you call me in for an interview??? (As a side note … in all the interviews I have gone to, one actually gave me legit feedback. It was nice…well as nice as constructive criticism can be. lol. But I truly appreciated it.)

So seriously, I think they want you to get on your fucking knees and beg. “I want this job more than anyone else, please, please, please, pick me, I will do anything, see I am on my knees …..”. Seriously. Like they say “it’s not who you know, it’s who you ….”

Saw this one that a few of my friends posted on their facebook page (or a similar message) recently and it got me quite riled up.

FIRST of all, if this is how “you” feel, and/or if “you” need to say this, and/or if “you’ do this or act like this… then the reason “we” don’t talk anymore, is “YOU”. You are simply a foolish egotistical jackass who does not deserve “my” friendship. (I am using you, we and I/my/me generically)

Second, all this is saying is the person posting it is a whinny ignorant spoiled brat stating “if you don’t have to, then neither do I”, like a damn 3 year old. Seriously say the following out loud with that nasty, snotty childish tone in your voice “fine then, I am not your friend anymore“. Did you say it out loud? You sounded like a fucking idiot, just like that “meme”/”quote” sounds when you post it, as that is essentially what you are saying.

Third, just because he is an asshole doesn’t mean you need to be one, just because she is a snob doesn’t mean you need to be one, just because they hate doesn’t mean you should. Just because one person is not personable doesn’t mean you should be too. Some people are not a “people person” Some people are not social. Some people are hermits. Some people have social anxiety. Some people are extreme introverts. Some people NEED other people to contact them as they just “can’t” for one reason or another.

My 12 year old daughter’s father says something like this to her. Something along the lines of “Well, you never call me either.” REALLY!!! You are her father, the parent, you childish sack of shit (the deadbeat has been saying this since she was 3)!! I better not get started on the deadbeat, he is a whole other story and a lot of venting and ranting.

I, over the years, have gone from an extrovert to an extreme introvert with high social anxiety. I do NOT contact anyone as I “should”, according to social standards. But I am not a complete shut-in and if you call, I will (sometimes) talk (especially if it is urgent), if you invite me, I will often go, If you text, I will answer. People drain me and wear me down. Interactions often cause me panic and anxiety attacks. Some people (Myself included) need to mentally prepare themselves for even the smallest of interactions. A simple phone call can put me into complete shut-down mode. A minor change in plans can ruin a whole day. A surprise visit could shut me in for days to recover. (I say can and could, as it may not always happen, but it has and likely will again).

So think about this, the next time you are acting like a selfish, spoiled child … Perhaps the person is not contacting you because they have an illness and they just cannot, perhaps they need you and you are too wrapped up in your own self-entitlement to inquire and care, perhaps they are having panic attacks right now, wondering why you won’t call, perhaps there is anxiety rising at this moment as the person is worrying about what they did wrong to make you not care … or perhaps the person is not contacting you because they realized you are a self-centred, narcissistic cunt.

IF you care about a person, YOU will contact them, whether they call you or not, whether they return your calls or not, whether you “hang out” or not … unless your both filled with social anxiety and have trouble socializing, in which case, it will happen as it happens and NEITHER of you will stop caring… But that is a whole other situation.