Drenched in Blog: Kekkou desu, Mr. Roboto!

At this point, after years of blistering irony and sarcastic hipster gushing, are Def Leppard, Styx and Foreigner really all that different from each other? Seriously, guys, wake up and smell the sweat-stained spandex. Most of these bands are sporting less than half their original members, plus they want us to hear “some new stuff.” That always sucks. This joke isn’t funny anymore.

The fact that these masters of mom-core are going out on the road with each other is a cry for help. People defend Def Leppard by claiming they were the true visionaries of British heavy metal, fusing pop sensibilities with the dark tones of arena metal. But how much more can you wring out of “Pour Some Sugar on Me”? No sober person has ever enjoyed this song. And if you did, chances are you are either the bachelorette party’s designated driver or currently watching a 19-year-old nursing student straddle a mirror at Rick’s.

How’s that joke go? What has nine arms and sucks?

For a band named after a river in Hell, Styx sure didn’t bring the satanic ruckus. Their episode of Behind the Music was oddly riveting, in the way How It’s Made also is. You can just stare blankly at the screen, stoned out of your mind, and giggle vacantly when the factory makes a shopping cart. Or when a band makes a concept album about a guy escaping prison disguised as a robot to save rock and roll.

Foreigner? Ok, I’ll give you “Dirty White Boy.” The opening bars make my upper lip itch and I get the urge to put on tight acid-washed jeans and cruise the Dairy Queen, feather my hair and cop a few feels. Huh – I guess I do like Foreigner after all. But how did they swindle Jason Bonham into playing drums for them?

It’s Friday and I’m already all “irony-ed” out for the weekend, but it looks like I gotta. I’m only doing this because it reminds me of Carl Brutananadilewski from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. He don’t need instructions to know how to rock. – Craig Hlavaty

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