A day in the life of a Goblin Smithy and his adventures through Vana'diel. He'll laugh, he'll cry, he'll get stabbed to death by six people...
It's a metaphor really.
For getting stabbed.
A lot.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

I'm Calling Greenpeace

There is something seriously wrong with Vana'diel.

I was taking a nice leisurely walk along the beach. The beach in Bibiki Bay, that is. If the walk had occurred in Valkurm, I would have to replace nice and leisurely with stupid and annoying.

So, I'm looking around and what do I see? An Eft.

What the hell is wrong with these things? They look like the bastard offspring of a rarab and a wyvern. I mean, damn, those things are nasty.

I find it difficult to believe that such an animal could have evolved naturally. Being that horrendously ugly must make mating difficult.

Of course, if the Galkas figured it out, why not the Eft, right?

And what the hell is a dhalmel? Honestly, it must be difficult to pile ugly that high.

In order to evolve long necks like that, shouldn't they exist in areas with tall trees? I may not be a Goblin Doctor, but I don't see how an extended neck can serve much purpose in grasslands and plains.

And don't even get me started on pugils.

Now, before you start commenting, I know we gobs aren't much to look at. I mean we don't wear these masks to hide our secret identities or anything.

But at least our disfigured faces are the result of "honest" combat. Goblins may not win any prizes, but at least we aren't born ugly.

Well... just between you and me, Shaman is just plain dog ugly. Seriously. He's the only gob with a lock on the back of his helmet.

He once managed to take it off during a battle. The ninja Majin Gakured just to get that sight out of his eyes. And I had never seen a Black Mage cast blind on himself before.

I had thought Shaman was the worst I would ever seen until today in Bibiki Bay.

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

I was strolling along the beach, picking off the occasional n00b party, when I ran into Hobgoblin Angler. This guy is basically me on steroids.

Just as I started talking to him (and ask a high level for some gil), he took off his mask.

Here's how the conversation went:

GoblinSmithy>> Wow! Nice gear.HobgoblinAngler>> Thanks, man.GoblinSmithy>> So what are you up to?HobgoblinAngler>> Been fishing mostly. Kind of lonely out here.HobgoblinAngler>> Damn, it's hot.

This is the point where he removed his mask. Instantly, I am assaulted by the sheer, hideous warping to his face.

But I remain cool.

GoblinSmithy>> Sweet Merciful Altana! WTF IS THAT?GoblinSmithy>> Your face is eating itself.HobgoblinAngler>> Excuse me?GoblinSmithy>> Seriously.GoblinSmithy>> The tide went out when you took your mask off.HobgoblinAngler>> You rude little, bastard!GoblinSmithy>> You pull out a face like that and I'm rude?GoblinSmithy>> You should warn people.GoblinSmithy>> Put some orange cones around that train wreck.

This is where he got realllllllly angry. I'm not certain why.

GoblinSmithy>> OH GAWD! Don't scowl!GoblinSmithy>> Your face has actually folded in on itself!HobgoblinAngler>> I am going to end you.GoblinSmithy>> Could you get my eyes first?GoblinSmithy>> That would be helpful.