Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Enemy Mine

The familiar silver compact SUV pulls up in front of our home.She gets out and walks up front walkway. Her hair glows auburn in the daylight.It is the shade of auburn my hair used to be. A color that has now lost its appeal partly because of time and partly because of her.I have been asked if I think she changed her haircolor to be more like me.God I hope not.That would be crazy.I hear a soft knock on the glass window of the front door. She is mindful, as a mother herself, of The Mouse and that she could be napping this time of day.I open the door to let her in.Hi.How are you?Fine thanks.Smiles are guarded. Words awkward but polite.We make idol chit chat in the livingroom as Cinderella puts on her shoes and coat.Thanks for letting me borrow [hubby] last night.I realize that everyone but me had advanced knowledge of his visit to help her tape a reality show that was once part of a Tuesday night ritual with Cinderella but that she will now have to tape in order to watch with her on one of her new visitation days.I find myself growing increasing angry over hubby going to her house. He's trying to keep the peace for Cinderella's sake and I admire that but boundaries still must be set.He is the only man in her life right now.She has noone else to turn to for the stereotypical "man chores" like fixing a broken fax machine or teaching her how to use the VCR.Too bad. He is not her husband anymore. She needs to find someone else for these things.At least for now.The wounds are too fresh.Thanks for letting me borrow [Hubby] last night. I really appreciate it because I know for him to do that means taking time from you. I remember what that's like.Like me she is searching for common ground and finds it in the form of my Husband.Her EX-husband.He's a different man in so many ways since being married to her but he's so much the same.We have frequently made jokes at his expense over the last several weeks in some desparate attempt at breaking the ice and opening some kind of dialogue.My smiles and chuckles are forced. I quietly seethe with anger.I am angry at her for the last 7 years. Angry at the lies, the manipulation, the recent threats and accusations.Angry at her spiteful attempts at ruining him. Ruining us.I'm angry at Hubby for letting her get away with it and not being more of a Man and putting his foot down to stop her.Angry at him for not exercising his parental authority sooner.Most of all I am angry at myself for not being more supportive and for putting up with it at the same time.I must let go of my anger.Stop looking at her as the enemy. Somehow reach out and learn to become her ally.

5 comments:

Anonymous
said...

I don't know how to be her ally. My situation requires being in a defensive pose all the time. She is in a new marriage and puts the kids last instead of first. She makes selfish decisions and is the worlds worst procrastinator. How can I teach the kids the way the world works when the BM is teaching them the way HER world works?

nope. uh-uh. no way. she should read the (wo)manual. or call a friend. or go online, do some research. do what thousands of millions of single women do each year without the "benefit" of an ex husband. figure it out yoruself.

My issue- would LOVE some advice- is that we can't trust my 5 y/o SD's mother- Her father & I have full custody, and we have a 1 y/o son. All the books I've read says to work with the biomom, get her advice, include her in everything, but we can't trust her judgement. She's made some incredilby unwise decisions for both herself & SD (which is how we got full custody). I try to put myself in her position - what would i want if i only saw my child every other weekend, but then, we have issues pop up *quickly* when we're "too nice". Issues either way. Anyone have any suggestions?

I am a stepmom to a two year old who's mother walked out on at three months. The bio mom is selfish and likes to have a good time. My husband had a horrible time dealing with her angry calls and her tirades when she would come to get the baby for visitation. He found on the internet something that said not to answer the phone calls of an angry ex when the child is not with her, use text only. Also he asked that I always accompany him to exchange the baby or be home when the mother comes here. This actually worked and the bio mother has become someone we see for a second in the driveway and we only hear from her on the text when she wants to see the baby. Limit contact until everyone can gain control of emotions. We also do the exchange outside of the house so the ex is not hanging around glaring at me or commenting in a negative way on the arrangement of the furniture. It seems we are all a lot happier.

As a BM dealing with a stepmom for my son, I can sympathize with both sides. No matter what, it's the children that feels it the most. whether we hate, or like each other isn't the issue, it's the children. My ex husband is just that my EX, i don't need or want him in my life other then that for my son. Any ex wife would feel the same unless there are some unresolved issues out there. But it can happen where moms and stepmoms work together. It works for me. Good luck!