And here’s an important historical artifact of 1988 that proves the key ingredients for a glamorous blow-out party are: wine coolers in plastic cups, cigarettes stolen from somebody’s dad, Roxette and two Tina Yothers look-alikes who are dressed like 50-year-old country club wives and who are working the exquisite AquaNet-covered Molly Ringwald bob that everybody worked in the 80s.

Someone uploaded this glamorous blast from 1988 of a major rager (read: 6 teens smoking for the first time while listening to Roxette) that almost blows the roof off of that house until the host’s parents shut that shit down. You know shit is real serious when your mom calls you “kiddo.” It’s like hearing a cop tell you to step out of the vehicle. You know you’re screwed. I bet that dude got put on restriction and he totally missed new episodes of Just The Ten Of Us, because his mom took away his TV privileges. Basically, your life as you know it is OVER when your mom calls you “kiddo.”

And the real star of this video is the dad who says “shithead” at the end. He’s probably pissed because his son and those 80s mom-looking teenage girls smoked his cigarettes and drank his booze.

I’d be insulted if my girlfriend had to don a special glove to touch me. Can you really blame her, though, lambs? Hello Kitty’s main bitch Mariah Carey and the cheated-in-the-crotch as well as in-the-personality director Brett Ratnerare reportedly an item. He’s directed a couple of her videos, and they’ve apparently been friends for awhile.

There’s a really charming pic of them on TMZ. Mimi looks embarrassed, but is still giving major leg while summoning a deckhand to emancipate Brett’s corpulent’n’ drunk ass off her. Ratner normally looks like what would happen if an 8ball came to life. In this pic, he’s paying homage to every completely sauced messcake who has spied some cleavage and begun imagining he doesn’t reek of trouble or represent regret. “Hi baby, shu wanna buy you a cocktail? How bout’ it? What? You got nice boobies, though. Aw come on, don’t be like that. Bish.” *passes out, strikes head on deck, blood*

TMZ sez that pic was taken on Saturday on a billionaire friend of Ratner’s yacht in St. Barts. Brett’s 46 and Mimi’s 45, so they’re compatible age-wise. But can you even see her letting him in the penthouse? Does Lisa Frank make an at-home hazmat shower?

Check out some pics of them together from Ratner’s Instagram below. Definitely check out a pic of the two of them with Courtney Love’s crazy ass. Maybe Courtney was looking for some acting tips from halfway-decent actor Mimi. Courtney’s junkie-ass “Elle Dallas” character lit up the screen on Empire! The only part of that bit I believed is when she convincingly fell over that dressing room ottoman whilst high. I guess they discussed Glitter and not Precious. *sad-face*

Please note the quotes. I couldn’t even find this gal on Model Mayhem! And have you seen some of the “models” on there? More like mugshots. Martina Olsson, 17, claims she also allegedly assisted former One Direction member Zayn Malik in cheating on his fiancee. That’s her with Zayn on the right.

This bonus mess also allegedly began at the Seduction nightclub in Thailand. That’s the same club where he was photographed with his other sidepiece, Lauren Richardson. Well, the joint IS called Seduction. Maybe they should rename it Cheat. Or Broken Engagement.

Olssen claims she was picked out of the crowd by a security guy and taken to a VIP area to party with the band on the evening of March 16.

“He didn’t mention anything to me about having a fiancée. He was really flirtatious,” she told The Sun (via Daily Mail).

Later, while partying at One Direction’s villa, Olssen claims Zayn invited her to shower with him and things got wetter.

“Straight away when we were in the bathroom he started kissing me. He picked me up and said, “I want you now,” and carried me to the bed,” she said in a assuredly breathless tone as she stared hungrily at the check The Sun cut her.

Zayn is a young dude, and must have a young dude’s stamina. The next night, Olsen claims he got with the Richardson jump-off and then did her again later on. Hope errybody’s on PrEP.

I almost hesitate to use these girls’ real names because tweens are scary. Did you read about those Slenderman kids? Maniacal tweens don’t play. Martina and Lauren better watch their asses, and avoid Seduction and any other similarly named nightclub where boy band people troll for DTF groupies.

Earthbound seraphim Angelina Jolie made her presence known at the 2015 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards last night. Nickelodeon’s yearly award show is known for “sliming” the celebrity presenters. Realizing that showering a demigoddess with slime would bring the world that much closer to the end times, she remained Kermit-spooge free. Cheered on by her daughters (you know them better as “the chosen ones”) Zahara and Shiloh, Angie accepted a blimp for Favorite Villain and Favorite Movie Actress for Malificent.

She had a message for all the chilluns:

“When I was a kid I was told – like Maleficent – that I was different. But then I realized something: different is good. So maybe you don’t fit in. Be yourself. And when someone tells you that you are different, just smile and hold your head up, and be proud. And as your villain, I would say, ‘Cause a little trouble. It is good for you!’”

Be sure to click this link for a pic of Angie and her girls posing with that bass ass Meaghan Trainor person. Zahara’s expression reads “I’ll throw this lesser a bone and give her a pic for her scrapbook.” Shiloh’s reads “I really only listen to Sleator-Kinney, so I have no clue who this trick is.” And Angie is very “I’m always happy to gratify a seat-filler, but let’s get on with this.”

One sexy celeb who DID get a green load to the face was the show’s host, hot ass Nick Jonas! The highly untruthfulJennifer Lopez pressured him. Her lying ass didn’t get slimed either. SHE’S not a deity who recently nixed her ovaries, why does she get a pass?

All you kinky bitches into gunge can pant and pucker at the slimy screengrabs below. Nick really should have taken his shirt off first and flexed a little. While being green-jizzed upon. This is probably the wrong blog for these musings.

Check out vid of Angie’s speech below, as well as pics of her and the Chosen Ones, Nick’s green facial, and Nick and his chick Olivia Culpo on the orange carpet.

My cousin texted me the other day and the only thing she wrote was, “AS IT GROOVES.” I knew exactly what she was referencing and was taken back to junior high school where they’d play “Wiggle It” at the dances and 7th graders would freak dance to that shit. “Wiggle It” was an early 90s ear worm hit from 2 In A Room who were a rap duo from NYC. They had a couple of other semi-hits, but “Wiggle It” was their Mona Lisa!

It was everywhere and I’m pretty sure it was one of my cousins’ “voicemail message song.” You know, when you’d call my cousin’s voicemail, the song would play for a few seconds before she’d say, “Hey, what’s up, it’s Larissa. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to as soon as I can.” “Wiggle It” was probably everyone’s voicemail message song at some point in the 90s.

By the mid 90s, 2 In A Room had already broken up, but who cares that they only lasted for a quick minute. When they burped up this masterpiece, their job was done.

And that hot piece in the blue Speedo at the 2:18 mark who grabs that cutie by the hand is a HSOTD runner-up, because he really knows how to wiggle it. As it grooves!

Because I don’t watch football, I only have the vaguest idea of what Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski’s deal is, but what I’ve gathered from the internet is that he’s 25-year-old muscled-up party animal who likes kittens and plays for the New England Patriots. He also may or may not be the come-to-life version of Moose Mason from Riverdale High. Regardless, all that really matters is that Gronk loves to party, and a video of him busting out some Magic Mike moves in a pair of fluorescent yellow shorts at an EDM festival appeared on the internet, because of course it did.

Gronk was at the Ultra Music Festival in Miami yesterday, and I guess the music was making him feel things in his ass area, because he got on stage and started booty thrusting and air humping as if it was the second half of the Super Booty Bowl and his twerk team was down by 69 points.

I don’t know if the NFL still frowns upon touchdown dances, but maybe after seeing this video, they might reconsider for the sake of increased game attendance. I have zero interest in football, but if there’s any chance a dude in spandex pants will drop to the ground and air fuck the end zone, I’m so there.

The second-stage Pokemon evolution of Channing Tatum, Ryan Phillippe, recently did an interview with Variety, and apropos of nothing, they brought up the fact that he’s 40 now. I guess because Variety wants us all to feel old by thinking about the dude from I Know What You Did Last Summer blowing out 40 candles on his birthday cake or something. But apparently being 40 doesn’t affect him at all, because according to Ryan Phillippe, Ryan Phillippe still passes for a teenager and sometimes for Ava Phillippe’s older brother.

“It’s crazy. And still, I get carded constantly. My daughter hates it, because sometimes people have thought I’m her brother, and she’s freaked out by that.”

Even a deluded trick like Kris Jenner, who’s been desperately working a 4th Kardashian sister game for years now, is like “Sure, Jan.”

But where are these magical liquor stores in Los Angeles that don’t know who Hollywood movie star Ryan Phillippe is? Even if you did know who he was, but wasn’t sure how old he was, all you have to do is reach for a copy of Cruel Intentions from the DVD rack (there’s always a copy of Cruel Intentions for sale on the DVD rack at the liquor store) and realize that shit came out in 1999. And unless the part of Sebastian Valmont was played by a mature-looking fetus, he’s definitely old enough to buy booze.

Feel free to judge for yourself, though. Here’s Ryan leaving a club last week, and sure, he sort of looks young-ish, but dressing in Justin Bieber drag will do that to a person.

In an attempt to appear less like Bethenny Frankel, Page Six says that Bethenny Frankel has hired a team of personality coaches to help her “tone down her shit”. Technically, she didn’t really have to hire anyone, since a couple hits off a non-fat bong would have done the trick, but it sounds like she needed something stronger than weed to chill her out.

According to a source, Bethenny apparently took a long hard look at her life and/or her choices, like her messy divorce from Jason Hoppy and the cancellation of her talk show Bethenny (cough and maybe also that time she thought it would be a good idea to post a picture of herself wearing her 4-year-old daughter’s pajamascough), and decided she needed to do something to change the public’s perception of her. The source says:

“She’s turned herself into a victim and been told by these coaches to be much more demure, and not be as harsh as she was.”

I still don’t understand why she hired more than one coach; how many people does it take to say “Just stop“?

I get that Bethenny doesn’t want to be Bethenny anymore, but what is Bethenny without Bethenny? I have no idea what any of that means, but I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’d rather take a no-fucks-given Bethenny than the phony demure Stepford Wife version of Bethenny, if only because that would be creepy as hell. Imagine if you took Bethenny’s hyper-realistic Joker mask face and added a pair of soulless eyes? This is supposed to be The Real Housewives of New York, not My Nightmares.