Month: December 2013

NASHVILLE — Pop singer Miley Cyrus died Sunday evening as her private jet was destroyed in a mid-air collision over Tennessee. The singer’s jet was seen veering wildly out of its flight path by air traffic controllers, but because of recent cutbacks, no controllers were within radio contact with Miley’s jet.

This tragedy comes on the heels of Miley’s recent promise to “never twerk again.”

A preliminary investigation into the black box of Miley’s jet suggests the pilots may have been drawn into a decadent cocaine party before entering what experts are calling “a temporary psychosis.” An unidentified voice in the cockpit was reportedly heard screaming, “I feel like God!” just moments before the private jet was destroyed in a collision with an Airbus A380, the largest passenger jet in the world, carrying 236 people. All passengers in both planes are presumed dead.

Miley’s family refused to go on tour with her this year and complained her show had become too racy. Billy Ray Cyrus said, “Miley’s estate has been turned over to me and – God willin’ – is all goin’ to charity. Sharin’ and Carin’ Hands. She wanted it to go to safe sex education, but that in no way reflects our values or those of the Disney Corporation.”

Bethany Sumpin, 27, runs the most popular Miley fansite on the Web. Sumpin insensitively compared the ordeal to the Fox animated series Bob’s Burgers.

“It’s like an episode of Bob’s Burgers,” Sumpin wrote. “I just keep waiting for the punchline. I keep waiting for it to be funny.”

Sumpin later added, “This ain’t no joke, y’all.”

Miley’s career-ending hit “Wrecking Ball” reached almost 450 million views on YouTube, and featured the fully-nude Disney child star straddling construction equipment in an adult manner and licking the quivering tip of a sledgehammer.

RICHMOND — Chemtrails were proven to be fact and not mere urban legend after recent Snowden revelations, as photographers around the country captured proven weather modifying chemtrails and shared them on Social Media web sites. However, debate still rages on as to the purpose of chemtrails and as to just who “they” might be spraying the chemtrails.

Va. Governor-elect Terry McAuliffe (D) bears the closest resemblance yet to a lizard. His policies are an undeniable affront to lizard-people-human-people-relations.

Darryl Cox, 42, said the skies over Roanoke, Va. were “literally criss-crossed” with poisonous chemtrails – jet plumes, or “contrails” emanating from the exhaust ports of military and commercial jet-liners – and said he no longer feels safe living in the Shenandoah Valley. Cox describes Southwest Va. as a “hotbed” of chemical testing activity.

“Do chemtrails exist? Yes, they do,” said Cox. “But what is the government doing, and is it really even the government? My opinion is and always has been that these damn chemtrails are the work of the airline industry to engineer the air for the benefit of their fuel economy. I figure it don’t take much sprayin’ so’s that the part of the atmosphere they fly through would calm down real quick like. I mean they got control a everything, I tell you.”

Va. Governor-elect Terry McAuliffe (D) said he “does not intend” to constrain commercial air activity over Va., adding that the airline industry is a large source of revenue for the conservative state.

Cox explained that “lizard-people,” like McAuliffe, must eventually answer to the public for their transgressions against the well-being of the electorate.

“I swore to God that I seen them sprayin’ out here just the other day and I’ll tell you now, that was no ‘contrail.’ That there was my death at the hands of the lizard people. Ain’t you never heard about them lizard people? They’ll look just like anyone else, maybe their face a little slack-like. I seen ’em every damn day. Every damn day. They doin’ this, you seen ’em breathe it on in like they like it. Like it’s a nice fresh day outside, when chemtrails are rainin’ in.”

It is perhaps no coincidence, then, that Gov. McAuliffe resembles a lizard.

Still others, so-called ‘preppers’ for the coming food shortages, are sure the Chemtrails are yet another precarious link in the oil industry keeping starvation at bay. Bernie Myers, of Afton, says ending the collusion between food manufacturers and jet fuel companies will be the key to understanding and ending the secret weather control programs.

“It’s funny how the jet fuel industry seems to be cooperating with the food manufacturers to control the weather. No one knows about their secret operations, but it’s real. Snowden even said so. Weather modification is the only logical reason for cloud seeding, and if you do any research at all, you will find out the truth. It’s Monsanto. It’s Boeing. It’s Lockheed Martin. They’re doing this and the government has no idea.”

Cox assaulted Myers after he spoke these words, screaming, “It’s the government doin’ it, I mean who else has the money? Hey, they take my taxes. Obama’s got these chemtrails rainin’ down on us and it’s a part of the Muslim extermination plan, I tell you what. Either that or it’s the faggots. God damn, we all already dead. Could be tomorrow they lay down the last layer, the catalyst that will burn all of our bodies.”

Myers then claimed he saw Terry McAuliffe playing with his family in the acid rain after a heavy day of chemtrails, “He was so happy, like I’d never seen no lizard man before. It was like they was gettin’ some type of manna from heaven. In a way it was kinda touchin’, but I seen it myself. He’s a lizard and no doubtin’ it.”

Half-Black President Barack “Hussein” Obama is a strong supporter of McAuliffe, and recently vacationed in the dubiously-acquired Hawaiian Islands. Mr. Obama refused to lie about the existence of chemtrails Sunday, and has said nothing to deny the dangers of their existence.

MOSCOW — Snowden recently made an appearance at the Chaos Communication Congress in Berlin and promised to reveal more documents detailing invasive NSA surveillance. However, Snowden complained of trouble scoring marijuana, which he said is “essential” to further hacking work.

Although the audience laughed at this statement, Snowden lowered his iconic glasses and said, “This is serious guys. I’m not kidding. If any of you want to meet up after this talk and either smoke or give me some contacts, I’d be able to hook you up with some classified NSA info. Shit’s hot.”

Snowden did manage to score a few puffs from someone’s pinch-hitter in the parking lot, but sources confirmed he felt really uncomfortable around a bunch of new-age hippies he didn’t know, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to walk away without looking like a mooch. All of the hippies denied accepting classified documents from Snowden.

Ivan Iljanic is well-known among friends as being a resourceful drug connection and friend, even offering friend prices. But Ivan will not sell to just anyone.

“I know where some weed is,” Ivan said, “but you can’t tell Snowden. He obviously can’t be trusted with secrets.”

Ivan went on to suggest Snowden’s problems could be worse than simply being unable to acquire marijuana.

“I think he’s had enough pot already. Have you heard his conspiracy theories?” Ivan continued, “He told me ‘the NSA’ sold HDMI cables that spy on citizens and built hard drive rootkits into firmware. Don’t even know what that shit means. Dude’s off his rocker, and I honestly feel bad for him.”

Snowden admitted he had a few flaky connections who come through from time to time, but nothing regular, and later complained, “It’s hard to find pot in Russia not connected to the Mafia.”

Snowden said he used to get it off this guy who lived “up on the mountain,” but eventually the dealer was allegedly busted by Russian police, and now Snowden claims he is “too famous for leaking to meet new drug connections.” Snowden said, “There are very few people who don’t recognize me as the world’s most famous file leaker, and it feels deceptive not to tell them up front. I’ll say, ‘Hey, you know I’m Snowden, right?’ and they ask, ‘Snowden? Who’s he?’ At which point I’ll usually explain I’m a pretty big deal on the Internet. Then as soon as they figure out who I am, it’s all guns and yelling. Every time.”

Sue Brasko is going to sue the shit out of you and send you straight to prison if you so much as mention her name.

INTERNET — Internet attorney Sue Brasko is at it yet again, making herself into an obvious punching bag for Anonymous trolls. Years ago, Susan Brasko’s religion, Scientology, was attacked by Anonymous, causing many of her best friends to leave the church only to be declared Suppressive Persons — Susan Brakso was forbidden to speak with her friends.

However, there were others like her all over the internet. Scientologists like Susan, terrified of the new powers gained by Anonymous, gathered in secret chat rooms much like the ones used by Anonymous. Susan and her new friends plotted different ways to thin the ranks of Anonymous, but the obvious first move was infiltration.

“Anonforecast” rose to prominence within many propaganda operations of Anonymous and pushed especially violent, negative imagery, often referring to hacked documents as “warheads.” Forecast, as he is also known, was later raided by police who confiscated his smart phone, a necessary medical “orthotic” prescribed to him after he suffered a traumatic brain injury. This raid was purportedly a response to Forecast’s involvement in the operation to bring vigilante justice and attention to rapist jocks in Steubenville, an operation associated by the news media with Deric Lotslucker AKA KYAnonymous. Forecast denies such accusations vehemently and luckily has seen his orthotic returned to him.

Strangely, no one knows for certain whether Forecast was in fact raided, or if he in fact exists. Forecast’s proximity to Susan Brasko and his trajectory in Anonymous suggests he may be yet another Scientologist infiltrator. There is also little proof of Susan Brasko’s existence other than a bizarre phone call received at Lebal Drocer Headquarters in which a twisted, robotic and nearly unintelligible voice terrified our editing staff, claiming to be Susan Brasko.

Saturday, Susan Brasko’s narrow beam of psyop hate fell on the hapless Nachash, former head of DoxBin and current contributor to Encyclopedia Dramatica. Brasko accused Nachash of extortion and intimidation, asking friends on Twitter to find dox in order to file criminal charges. Although Brasko has said these things many times before, no charges or lawsuits have ever been filed following such incidences of mutual internet bullying.

However, these psyops are so effective on Brasko’s part that Internet Radio shows such as Vince in the Bay have banned the mention of Brasko’s name. Even the brave and enduring editorial staff of the Internet Chronicle misspells Brasko’s name because Lebal Drocer legal experts said it would move the Internet Chronicle newsroom outside the radius of any of Brasko’s potential psyops.

The Sex Road is a new web site made by Red Pill theorists and it will get you laid in no time.

INTERNET — A new dating web site called Sex Road, created by sexual market theorists known as Red Pillers, hit the Internet Friday. The Sex Road saw thousands of signups in the first hour.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, Sex Road’s designer and mastermind, told reporters, “How Sex Road works is guided by our knowledge of the way most women work. We’ve implemented a democratic ranking system which ranges males from Alphas to Gammas and women from one to ten. We took into account the overriding factor that women are hypergamous, or slutty, and so we’ve implemented algorithms which will tag women who use the site too much. The web site will also attempt to identify the rare high-value women who aren’t Solipsists, but this requires a rigorous and invasive NSA-like surveillance of all Sex Road traffic by Alpha theorists.” Beaming, Dr. Troubador drew a circle in the air in front of him, “Ideally, all this will allow Alphas to track down the super rare ‘non-sluts’ who are also high-value. Also, young Betas will be able to benefit from Sex Road by finding appropriately lower-value women to improve their ‘game’ and have easy sex with while they bulk up and work towards Alpha status.”

Angered Feminists protested the web site, but some, such as outspoken Red Pill inter-theorist Dr. Cecilia Darwin, took a more moderate stance, “Sex Road is already a hotbed of hateful and vicious ‘trolling’ directed at so-called Gammas and low-value women. I believe the Red Pill Theorists have reified the ‘architecture’ of the Reddit forum they use for their discourse within their theory, promoting ideas as ‘Real’ or true, simply because of upvotes. Of course this has produced an especially potent melange of obvious capitalist ideologies represented in the ‘sex market’.” Dr. Darwin explained the theory in her own words, “All history has been a mere function of the sex market, where a woman is reduced to a number on a scale of one to ten, children are deducted from her value, and at a certain age called ‘the wall’, her value tumbles to nothing. In exchange for grunting (it doesn’t matter what a man says, but he is told to speak loudly and project confidence in an impressive two minute monologue when he introduces himself) and the hard-won muscles of an Alpha, men should be able to get an 8 – 10 woman with no problem.” Dr. Darwin shed a genuine tear of sadness, and some saw an aura of love glowing around her beautiful 10 body, “Obviously these men and women are having terrible problems relating to people, and Sex Road keeps them out of other dating web sites where people hopefully don’t look at each other as commodities. So in a way I’m for the Sex Road, and I think even many of the Alphas on that site agree with me that this trolling is not useful for anyone’s ‘game’. Game. That’s their word for love.”

Move over Duck Dynasty! And let Pope Primacy take over. In what is being called a “masterful PR campaign,” a new reality TV show, scheduled for MSNBC’s Fall lineup, will spread the message of Pope Francis and help Catholics cope with increased levels of cognitive dissonance beyond what religious people normally feel.

To anyone over 30, recent changes to the Vatican’s public image might be disorienting, even confusing, the Vatican said over Christmas — but Catholics worldwide can rest assured it has nothing at all to do with whitewashing a century of child rape or actually returning to the teachings of Communist Jesus and his crazy ideals (the church has sold him out more than enough).

“[The Pope]’s been working out, yeah. He’s changing his image. He not only started a beard [which photos indicate is in fact true], but — and I know you’re not gonna believe this — but, he went out and he got himself a tattoo.”

Written in Olde English calligraphy arching over a holy cross, the tattoo reads, “Thou Shalt Not.”

As excitement for the show “Pope Primacy” winds up, Pope Francis’ producers have begun pushing him to do “weirder and weirder stuff.”

Archbishop Chile Pedley said he is “frankly, very uncomfortable” with what the show creators want Francis to do, but said he’s satisfied with the results.

“They kept asking him to do weirder and weirder stuff,” Pedley said. “First they had him wash a prisoner’s feet, this young offender. I mean, that’s one thing. But recently for the show, they had him hug a severely disfigured man, and I just thought, ‘You guys have gone too far,’ but no — the people loved it. They fucking eat that shit up, apparently.”

Legendary Hollywood producer Phil Spector was overheard saying, “You’re gonna have to do some miracles, here, Francis,” while talking to Francis about the next round of eliminations. “Get on the healin’ train,” he said. “…could be Sainthood for ya, huge ratings… could be Redemption Island. We’ll see how people react to the fact you drive yourself to work.”

Leaked studio footage shows Archbishop Pedley again speaking directly into the camera, telling people he knows of “a guy with a garage full of stuff that the new Pope is gonna love.” Pedley said, “He’s got relics — idols from papal past.”

Thou Shalt Not.

Blogs and YouTube reviewers familiar with reality TV have already come forward to voice concerns they say are rooted in another oversized-cross-wearing icon. Xxfuckedup-247xX said “It’s only a matter of time before we start to recognize the Pope as an empty husk of his former self, who ambles around the house – rambling incoherently – but wisely.”

Hello readers, and thank you for visiting your favorite news site. We know, perhaps better than anyone else, how hard is it to take precious time out of your day to come here and read the latest headlines from around the world. It is within each of us, however, to recognize that the quest for knowledge has no immediate payoff, unless we’re talking about the bitcoin – and yet it is our civic duty to read the quality stories found in The Internet Chronicle, for a better tomorrow, today. And use that knowledge to make informed decisions for our loved ones, and even our children.

It’s how we stay up to date. The Internet Chronicle is where you go to find the careful answers to tough questions: What will you wear tomorrow? The Internet Chronicle says: HAZMAT suits, of course! Can today’s political climate support the adoption of a fourth and fifth American political party? The Internet Chronicle says: As long as they’ve got the cash! My dick is hard, what should I masturbate to? The Internet Chronicle says: Selena Gomez will be legal soon enough (so get a head start)!

Many times, we read the news and it triggers vicious instincts from within a darkness we barely recognize. The Internet Chronicle is here to make light of current events so you can sleep more soundly, comforted in the knowledge that at least someone else noticed the problem, and dismissed it handsomely with a punchline.

From Our Family To Yours — We here at the Internet Chronicle would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas, and a happy new year. Here’s to 2014 – a new year which could turn out a lot more like 2011, without all the “Occupy” nonsense from before.

So gather up your guns. Keep your eyes to the sky, watch out for chemtrails, look over your shoulder for Uncle Sam and his spy drones. Keep watching TV, drink beer, and most importantly of all, don’t vote!

We’ll see y’all next year!

and hopefully the jews won’t be as much a problem as they have been

You can be an inhuman monster just like this man — Read Healthy As Fuck! by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, and dehydrate yourself until your skin is nothing but a thin sheet over your muscles. It also decreases chances of ball itch!

CUTHBERT, GA. — Monday, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador proposed a new Theory of Masculinism at the Camelot University Youtube Lecture Marathon. This field of theory, according to Dr. Troubador, is of course fallible and in many ways quotidian, but nonetheless remains in his jargon, “under-inter-theorized,” due to the inherent chauvanistic nature of Patriarchy and homo-repressed heterosexuality pointed out by Queer and Feminist theorists. Dr. Troubador told reporters, “They’d call us all faggots, misandrists, and privileged white people just for theorizing in this direction, but by God I’m a Heterosexual White Man and I’m tired of being represented by ‘Red Pill’ Monarchists from Date Rape Hell dressing their regurgitated internalized ideologies up as radical philosophy. Plus I’d be on the Queer, Colonialist, Feminist, etc teams if I wasn’t a damned white male. Best thing I can do is learn from ’em and try to think of what their lessons mean to be me, a privileged white man.”

Dr. Troubador slammed his fist on the podium with tremendous hate, “By God there are some sick fucks in the world that I’d love to crush and who deserve the eternal hate of God in hell, but I’m only deranged. A man must look at the world as a war, and it is Hell. Competition is first a madness and second a sacred duty. But this is only the default setting not informed by advances in many fields of Theory. That’s why I’m writing a religious text, using these advances as technology. Our project incorporates a rich inter-theoretical syncretic landscape, fractal mathematics, and persona management propaganda techniques in order to design a religion which will sweep the world in at least one century, hopefully transmitting much of the lessons learned from Theory into the collective conscious and unconscious of the masses. The hate stream of reformation and the more efficient repression of lower animal urges which results will flow into every corner and every government on Earth, and then into the stars. This is the tool through which a civilization becomes a Type I on the Kardashev scale, and building a motherfucking Empire is the space for a White Man like me to set up shop. There’s no doubt they never thought this could happen, or they’d never have said a word!”

Critics of Dr. Troubador, including many he has cited in recent papers, gathered in an ad hoc militia and surrounded his walled compound just hours ago. Local police refused to intervene in the dramatic standoff, classifying the confrontation as a battleground in time of war. The nearby military base in Alansville responded, dispatching at least five Apache assault choppers which were spotted circling Dr. Troubador’s compound, ready to unleash hell on both protesters and Dr. Troubador at the drop of a dime. Let us pray for the eternal salvation of man and that these monsters are completely incinereated in the purified computer guided hate of hellfire missiles.

WESTBORO — Fred Phelps, pastor and founder of the Westboro Baptist Church known for anti-gay protests announced he’d be giving up homophobia Sunday evening. In a press conference held in Westboro’s sanctuary, Phelps, clad in his iconic cowboy hat, told reporters, “I was struck by a blinding light, and I cowered like a sinful, godless sodomite. But God struck me down in His might, and I covered my face in ashes.”

Pastor Phelps recounted a new vision for the church which was revealed in this instant by God, “America is no longer doomed. Westboro will storm every soldier’s funeral with rainbow signs of heaven’s love. His bright crown adorning, They shall shine in their beauty. Westboro hath saved each and every American despite their reckless sin, and Westboro will be waiting at Saint Peter’s gates for each and every soldier, cheering until the last man comes home.”

Lesbian Gay Transgender and Bisexual activists in the crowd wept openly in joy at this announcement. One remarked, “It’s as if I can feel good about being an American and a Christian again, as long as we don’t have another church like this one.”