(Closed) Spinoff: Why try to be a "finished product" before marriage?

I’ve been reading a lot of threads lately about how people are waiting until they finish school, get a good job, get a better job or are able to afford a house before they get married. Honestly, I just don’t get this. To me, your 20s are about struggling in some way, maybe it’s finishing your Ph.D., maybe it’s getting a good job and health insurance, maybe it’s settling into a house – but why can’t you struggle through these things with your husband/wife by your side helping and supporting you.

I’m not necessarily suggesting rushing into marriage, but if living together isn’t a distraction from school/work etc, why would being married be a distraction? For me, I think getting married would be less of a distraction because I’ll be confidant that my SO will be with me through thick and thin. I’m currently a graduate student (27 y/o) and I wouldn’t dream of waiting to get engaged or married until after I graduated. Why would I put my life on hold while I am in school?

If we’re trying to be nice and shiny polished finished products before we commit to someone, we’re going to be waiting an awfully long time, because there will always be something else that needs to be done first. Marriage is a leap of faith, it isn’t something you’re ever going to be fully ready for, and even if it was, I wouldn’t consider socioeconomic status to be the driving force in making someone a finished product.

I totally agree. We are getting married shortly after I graduate my undergrad (I’ll be 22, he’ll be 28) and while he has a set-up career, we’ll be moving for whatever job offer I end up getting in May. We’ve talked about the pros and cons, but if we wait for life to be perfect, we’ll never get married. We know we love each other and are going to stand by each other, and that’s all that counts.

I think a lot of people are mostly worried about the financial side of things. But I definitely agree with you.

I think it would be easier for me (financially) to have finished studying so that I can get a job and all the rest, but honestly I don’t know if I’ll be able to stick to that. The way things are currently looking in my future career, unless I am unable to justify my reasons for staying here (family, married, house, etc) I will most likely be shipped off to the middle of nowhere. That doesn’t sound like the greatest option to me and would mean waiting until after I return to get married. No way!

We decided we definitely wanted to finish uni and somewhat establish ourselves in stable jobs first. We definitely would have been distracted from our studies if we’d gotten married earlier! We wanted to be available to each other during the exciting newlywed phase rather than cooped up in silence studying. Although as fate would have it, we are both studying again lol

@Cyri: I do get the finishing college guideline, but more for the age thing than anything else. Everyone is different, but I see very few people in the 19-21 range ready to get married, I’m more talking about people who are in their mid to late 20s (or older) but still in school. Also, in university, many students are still completely dependant on their parents. I think being independant is a good goal. My question is more aimed at bees who are independant and living with their SOs, wondering why they are waiting for financial reasons when they are already independant.

I think waiting can be good as people who get married younger have significantly higher chances of getting divorced. While I agree with you about not gettin everything together (house, cars, advanced careers etc) I don’t see the rush to get married as soon as you’ve met the right person. I especially do not think you should get married unless you are independent financially from your parents.

My SO and I plan to get married this fall, I am 23, he is 31, however we have both finished our undergrads and are established in our careers (I graduated at 20) and we have significant savings. I start grad school next year, and we plan to be married by then. But even though we have been together for 6.5 years and lives together for about 5 of those and have both been financially independent of our parents for nearly the whole time, I am glad we did not just get married when I was 18 or 20 because we knew we would some day.

I’ve been ranting about this for years… As far as I can imagine, completing my PhD, traveling to all the places I want to see, and getting into my dream career would all be made better by having my Fiance by my side. Calling him my husband rather than my fiance wouldn’t change that. I think what people may really mean when they give reasons like that for putting off marriage is that they can still see themselves changing their minds based on new experiences, whereas some other people are completely sure. I have had all the life experiences that I needed to help me know when I have found “the one”, so I won’t be changing my mind or waiting to complete any big milestones before we get married.

Personally, I didn’t want there to be a distraction and I didn’t want there to be a reason to not do certain things because there was marriage or a wedding to plan or something in the way. I also feel that people change through struggles and your 20s and two people don’t always change together and sometimes it’s better to make sure you do and then get married tha realize that you didn’t and get a divorce.

Totally agree, I will probably be waiting until after I graduate from my graduate degree before we get married, just so we can have at least one steady income to rely on. Fiance works full time now, doesn’t study, but will probably start some sort of tertiary study in the next year or two, and his income right now isn’t enough for us to live on. So we have to wait another couple of years before we get married but I don’t mind, and if one of us is still studying when we get married that’s ok.

I have no desire to try to plan a large, traditional, formal wedding while half way around the world on exchange completing my university degree. Nor do I want to spend the first year of my marriage bogged down with my final year of university coursework plus working weekends. That’s no way build the marriage or spend the first year of married life.

1. Money–if you are in school or don’t have a great job, you may not be able to pay for a wedding, let alone cover your bills. Unless your parents are bank rolling it (which a lot of people don’t have that luxury) then you need to save up and feel financially secure.

2. Planning a wedding while in school, searching for a job or generally “struggling” may not be fun for everyone. It’s doable, but not necessarily enjoyable.

3. Waiting until you feel stable, comfortable and on solid footing is NEVER a bad way to begin a marriage. Obvisously this is defined on a personal level, so what is stable for one couple is different for another.

4. Beginning a marriage where you are both studying lots, in mounds of debt and really stressed out is not for everyone. Of course relationships can survive this, but a lot of people want to start marriage on a “good note”

5. With time comes maturity and understanding. Of course people should get married when they feel it is best for them, but why rush into if you aren’t where you want to be. Waiting a few years can be incredibly beneficial for the health of the relationship.

It’s obviously up to the couple, but we made the decision to not get married until 1. we graduated from undergrad and Fiance finished his masters, 2. we both had stable careers and were financially stable and 3. we felt comfortable and capable of planning a wedding and preparing for marriage.

@Taeyers: I don’t think people are seeing if new experiences will “change their minds” or that they are not as sure as you are.

As I mentioned before, there are lots of reasons why people wait. Bees on here don’t like it when others comment on getting married too soon, so I don’t think it’s fair to assume this is what people are thinking just because they wait longer.