Is there anything funnier than tiny cat pants?
It seems unlikely, but my goal in life is to find out.

Monday, November 21, 2005

What's the Problem with Liberal Men?

So, my trip wasn't all a rollercoaster of fun and boredom. I also got very lost in Buckhead when I was supposed to be in Decatur and I sat in one Starbucks after another, which is extremely discombobulating after a while. All of them so similar; none of them quite the same.
Anyway, strangely enough, I kept having these conversations with liberal lesbians that reminded me of W.
As you all may recall from the manly afghan incident, I mistakenly assumed that W. was conservative. Sitting across from the second lesbian who, upon ascertaining that I was straight, leaned over and asked "So, is it true that liberal women are giving up on liberal men?" I realized that I assumed that W. was conservative because he's nice--and not in that creepy "nice guy" way, but genuinely nice.
Well, holy shit.
That's not really a bias you can realize in yourself without being a little shook by it. So, I was probably quieter than one might expect when it comes to gossiping about boys. But both of the women I was having coffee with have noticed that their straight liberal friends are giving up on liberal men*.
One wondered if it wasn't their inability to refrain from fucking their students** and the other had this elaborate theory that we on the Left actually lack the ability to engage folks on the Right in real debate because the things we're upset about--racism, sexism, classism, fuckers in big pickup trucks pulling campers through Birmingham at 95 miles an hour with the trailer flailing behind it like a misbehaving child getting yanked outside for a spanking***, etc.--are not things that the Right is concerned about (because, since we don't actually talk to folks on the right, we have no idea what they're concerned about, we just attribute to them all kinds of negative crap), but the things we hate about each other.
Again, holy shit.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to make of it, but I thought I'd throw it out there for discussion.
*For the sake of this entry, I should note that I didn't interrogate them to discern whether they were talking about all liberal men or just that pernicious subset of academic liberal men.
**Thus lending credence to my theory that we're actually just talking about academic liberal men.
***That may be just me.

While non-liberal men retain the capacity to express all the positive attributes of liberalism: compassion, sensitivity, caring, liberal men are unable to do the same; be manly. The fact is that you straight gals generally insist on a certain level of old-fashioned, hairy-chested manliness.

Please, all you liberals guys that are about to challenge me to fight; save it, even though it'd be cute.

Liberalism is a feminine creed, embodying the kindness, short horizons, modest familiarity with reason, and placidity of the sex. It wants to buy people nice things without reflecting on how to pay for them. It believes in goodness but doesn’t often get much further, being benevolent while falling short of beneficence. As good mothers will, it tries to protect everyone from everything.

This is why the Democratic Party unrelentingly promotes security. Children must wear helmets while riding bicycles, swimming pools must not have deep ends, canoeists must wear life preservers, we must outlaw guns, and smoking, and drinking while driving, and we should all wear sunscreen so as to avoid melanoma. We must worry about safety until there is nothing left in life but its preservation.

With the seldom recognized totalitarianism of the female, liberals seek to impose happiness, whether desired or not, by therapy and mood-altering drugs, whether desired or not. People must be happy, must be safe, must be forcibly socialized to a life of orderly boring routine whether they want it or not. The herd will provide for all; the price is that all must yield to the herd. Thus the liberal aversion to any form of self-defense, whether conducted with a gun or a baseball bat. Self-defense is distressingly individual.

"Kindness, short horizons, modest familiarity with reason, and placidity?" You'd better hope that's true, running around spouting shit like that. Some day you're going to meet a girl like me who has a car and she'll run your ass down. When I hear about it days later, I will cheer.

I've been in politics in one form or another since I was 8, when I stuffed envelopes in Dan Quayle's Ft. Wayne, Indiana office.

I've met people of all political affiliations. I know well and count as friends Communists, Neo-Nazis, Greens, Democrats, Republicans and of course Libertarians.

From my personal experience, those that self-identify as Liberal are the least tolerant and most judgmental. Yes, I realize that statement is judgmental, and I'm sorry.

For about 15 minutes in my late teens I called myself a Liberal, because I really wanted to believe that someone out there should be taking care of the downtrodden of this earth. As long as that someone was going to pay for it and not expect me to pony up. Because at 19 I didn't have any money and wanted someone to give me some. That was the year I went to Central District Mock UN as the Faux Israeli Rep on the Security Council. (Long story that only die-hard PoliSci majors would understand)

The other "Liberals" at that event nailed me to the wall with a special cruelty for my pro-Israel views. Yes, I'm pro-Israel in real life, but that probably shouldn't have mattered since I was there to play the role of an Israeli and play it well. It's the friggin' mock U.N.

Anyway, I can't remember the time a "Liberal" person , outside of Sharon Cobb, approached me with anything but wariness when they were aware of my political position.

As to why Liberal Women are giving up on Liberal Men I have no idea. I imagine it has something to do with them all being angry all the time, and the fact that most Liberal Men I've met in the past 5 years have either been gay or had no visible means of self-support.

Fuck me. If I had as much power as y'all seem to think I do, with my ability to impose totalitarianism and the nanny state through the sheer power of my placid kindness and voting rights, I'm totally missing out.

If placid kindness and sufferage can bring the whole country to its knees, think of what I should be doing right now, if only I knew how to exercise this immense power--watching Sarcastro and the Boy Scout wash my car while the Butcher walks the dog and I'm sitting on the couch listening to David Banner go on about about the joys of female masturbation while using Kleinheider as my footstool.

I need to beg a break from the "inability to refrain from fucking their students" part. When I was in grad school it was common knowledge that there were more gay and lesbian faculty fucking students than straight faculty fucking students. In fact, the growing emphasis on sexual harassment seemed to be scaring straight academic straight. It was almost like gays and lesbians around me didn't care since they were already living in some kind of liminal, risky space to begin with.

I cry foul on that reasoning and I want to charge a double-standardized appeal to stereotypes of straight liberal academics.

Oh, come on, Young B. Don't lie to the good people of Pantsville. First of all, you know I'd insist on being called an ottoman. And, I think we all know, the couch would not be your fantasy choice of seating in such a scenario.

Fascinating post. Of the three serious girlfriends I've had, two have been to the left of me. The first's parents even had a photo print of Robert Maplethorpe in their house. (Of a flower, nothing dirty, it was actually a beautiful print, but I digress).

I'll except those who might be moderate, and talk about those who, on a scale of 1-10, conservative to liberal, are 8-10. In which case I'll point to a bumper sticker I see often:

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention.

Who wants to spend their time with someone constantly angry? If that person is angry at the issues, then they are more likely angry at people who in good faith have different opinions on the issues.

There's some truth in that liberals (those in my artificial 8-10) are tolerant of everybody except conservatives. Which makes them intolerant of the 51% of the people who thought Bush was a better choice than Kerry.

B) You presume it is just a matter of time before she changes to become like you.

C) You speak about her, not to her, on her own blog

All of that could be true...or, option "D"

I'm referencing an inside joke between her, Sarcastro and me from several weeks ago. Which, I'm assuming since they're both intelligent and able-bodied folk, that they both get, even though it didn't happen yesterday.

"Does this mean I should be hitting on the liberal women then? This bears looking into. W "

How old are you? I'm looking and liberal.

Aunt B. Fritz and I were involved with our first Republicans at the same time. Mine dumped me in an instant message. (the "L" is still on my forehead) As for Fritz, you'll have to ask him why his republican dumped him. More in a sec...

Katherine, thank you for the compliment. So we disagree on several issues? So what? I think it's nicer to find what we agree on and enjoy that. (Inserting Jewish guilt--so when are you going to call?) Speaking of, I would have loved to have seen you as an Israeli! Oy!

Aunt B. --Try a Republican at least once. Somehow, I get the impression you just might be into wild sex, and it appears that the Republican guys (I did a survey of my friends after mine) are much more wild and kinkier than liberal men. Will tell you more over coffee.

THE CAST OF CHARACTERS

The Butcher--My youngest brother, who lives with me and works as, you guessed it, a butcher. He knows everyone in town.

The Recalcitrant Brother--Our middle brother, who lives in rural Georgia and has a kind of movie star life, if that movie star is Burt Reynolds in Deliverance.

The Reverend--Our Dad, a Methodist minister, perpetually three years from retirement.

Mom--Our Mom. She doesn't get a funny nickname because our mom will not stand for funny nicknames.

Mrs. Wigglebottom--My dog. She's got terrible manners.

The Corporate Shill--Or The Shill, as we call her. My friend from college who was constantly getting me into trouble and going to parties she neglected to tell me about where cute boys would ask her "Where's Aunt B.?"

The Legal Eagle--The Shill's husband.

The Super Genius--She lived next door to me my freshman year of college and we've been friends ever since my first day on the floor.

Miss J.--My first adult friend, meaning the first lasting friendship I made after college. She was my roommate in grad school.

Her Lover--Her Husband.

The Divine Ms. B.--Miss J.'s sister and one of my heroes, because she's brave and funny and mystic and fearless.

JR--My oldest friend. I've known her since I was in the second grade.

Elias--JR's husband and the person who's musical tastes have most strongly affected my own. Oh, how I long to be cooler than him!

The Professor--My closest friend here in Nashville. She's a genius, but she'll never tell you that.

The Man from GM--I've known him since I was 16 and he still hasn't forgiven me for telling him I was a vegetarian when I wasn't.

The Redheaded Kid--No one knows where he comes from or where he goes when he leaves here. I assume he's the Butcher's friend. The Butcher assumes he's mine.