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I woke up today dreading snow, but was pleasantly surprised to find that we were spared another “epic storm”. I let myself lounge in bed this morning rather than popping up to exercise because I figured that everyone deserves a break now and then. I drove to work in a good mood – it’s Friday and that’s always a good thing! Something in the back of my mind, though, kept making me feel like there was something I was forgetting.

I remembered what it was as I microwaved my lunch: Today is the one year anniversary of finding out that I’d miscarried. Looking back at my post from that day, I can’t actually believe I sat down and wrote about it. I was definitely in shock. Writing is definitely a great way to deal with emotions that can be overwhelming, but at that point, I didn’t know yet how much I would be affected by everything. I didn’t know how long it would take to get back to feeling “normal”.

In fact, even when I thought that I was back to normal, I wasn’t. Just because my body was (sort of) back to normal, didn’t mean that I was mentally there. I was depressed and desperate to just get back “on track” and have a baby. Pretty much all the stuff that I was afraid of when I first found out came to be. It did take months before my body was back to normal and we could start trying again. We were unsuccessful all last Spring/Summer. Now we’re holding off on trying because of my new job and short term disability insurance waiting periods, but I’m afraid that when we are able to start trying we’re not going to be any luckier than we were last year. And I’m definitely worried that if we are successful, that we’ll go through another miscarriage.

I’m still able to be positive, though. I keep telling myself that it will happen and we will be successful and we will be parents some day. I really thought that I’d be pregnant again by last July and when that didn’t happen I was devastated. Then, I really thought that I’d be pregnant again by today. But I’m in a better mental state now than I was in July and I am trying to just focus on the good stuff. I’m concentrating on getting healthier, and reminding myself by not actively trying right now we’re making fiscally responsible plans and decisions… We can start trying again next month and be covered by insurance so that I can actually afford a maternity leave.

It’s definitely not, as people will unknowingly callously say, a “good thing” that things “worked out” the way that they did. But it has allowed us to make some changes and put some things in place that will put us in a better place when we do (finally) have a baby. So a year later, I can see now how some good has come out of it, and that’s what I’ve learned to focus on.

So, everyone who starts a weight loss program has a moment that makes them realize that it’s time to do something about their weight. I’ve (obviously) known for a while that I need to lose weight, but for me, this time, the moment that pushed me back to Weight Watchers came in the form of a wake up call. Well, not really a wake up call, but a call that came in the morning. From my doctor’s office. First thing in the morning, right after I got to my desk at work… So it kind of was a wake-up call (because I’m not a morning person).

“Hello, Alison?” came the female voice on the line.

“Hi, yes, this is Alison.”

“Hi! This is [your new doctor]. I just wanted to let you know that we received your lab results from your previous doctor’s office and they look fine… I did want to point out, though, that you’ve gained 16 lbs from when you were weighed at that office in September to when you were weighed at this office in November.”

“Oh…” I said. And then when she didn’t say anything right away I said, “Well, I go up and down a lot…”

I know that she was implying that maybe it was related to a potential thyroid problem (she brought it up in conjunction with the lab results that were taken after I found the cyst on my thyroid) but I don’t think that’s the case. I know that I’ve been sloth-like and eating everything in site. And those were the thoughts that I had while hanging up the phone and sitting down at my desk. First thing in the morning. Great way to start a day! So, since I was sitting in front of my computer, I went to WeightWatchers.com and signed back up.

Tomorrow is my first weigh-in day since being back on the program. I know that you’re not supposed to weigh yourself in between weigh-in days, but I weigh myself multiple times every day. I only “count” the morning weigh-in in my head, though because you always weigh the lightest first thing in the morning because you’re always supposed to weigh yourself around the same time every day for the most accurate tracking results. So, unofficially, I’ve lost about 4 lbs my first week back. You always lose the most in your first couple of weeks (when you have the most to lose and you’re making the most drastic changes), so I know that I won’t be able to keep THAT pace up, but I’m hoping to keep it on the higher end of the healthy weight loss per week scale of 1 to 2 lbs per week.

I figure that if I give myself 3 months to lose weight (which will put us firmly in the “safe zone” to conceive and be covered by the Short Term Disability Insurance that we just bought (and just became effective as of January 1st), which requires a 10 month waiting period before covering pregnancy related disabilities), and if I really focus and work on it, I could lose close to 30 lbs. That would not, unfortunately, put me at my goal weight, but it would put me close to half way there and it would bring my BMI out of the “obese” (OMG) category. (I can’t wait for the day for my Wii Fit to stop telling me, “That’s obese!” when it measures my weight!) I’m trying to think of it as “My Zero Trimester” (and that’s keeping me pretty motivated!). I know that it may take us a while to be successful when we’re actually starting to try to conceive again, but hopefully I can keep myself from getting frustrated on that front and keep myself motivated on the weight loss front by focusing on every month that it doesn’t happen is at least a month that can put me closer to my goal weight.

So, as my brilliant friend, Cuch, said in a recent Facebook status: “Assault on the new year!!!! Charge!!!”

Over the past 9 years or so, I can’t tell you how many posts I’ve written proclaiming that I’m back on the wagon with Weight Watchers and that this time is the time that I’m going to stick to it!

I guess going up and down so many times like that could make someone cynical. It could make them give up… But I’m not going to let that happen. I know that I need to just get back in the game and “give it the old college try”. I know that I can lose the weight that I gained back since our wedding and I know that I have to do it to be healthy!

I also know that I should do it before we take the plunge back into “Trying to Conceive (TTC) Land” (which we’re planning on doing early 2011). But, I also know that I’m not patient and so I will give it my best shot to lose as much as I can before I get pregnant. I don’t want to be a fat pregnant lady and I’d like to minimize all health risks I possibly can to be able to have a normal, healthy baby! And if I get pregnant before I’m back to my Weight Watchers goal weight? Well, I’m not going to be too sad about it – I’ll just try to continue to maintain healthy nutrition and exercise habits throughout the pregnancy and hopefully pick back up after the baby comes. And if I don’t get pregnant before I hit goal? Well, at least I won’t be a fat pregnant lady when the time eventually does come!

So where am I at right now? Well, it’s been almost a year exactly since I found out that I miscarried after 3 months of bliss and excitement about getting pregnant. 2010 was a rough year – I don’t think that I really realized until it was almost over how much I was emotionally affected by the loss of the pregnancy. I feel like I have some perspective now and have a healthier attitude in general about getting pregnant again. Last Spring/Summer I was so focused on just getting pregnant again right away so that I could ease the pain of the loss. Now I’m able to take a bit of a more rational approach and really address some things that should be taken care of before we start a family. I’ll work on losing weight. We’ve got short-term disability insurance in place for when I’ll go out on maternity leave. We’re both in secure jobs that we don’t loathe.

I’m looking forward to starting this journey (these journeys) and starting a new year. I know that we may experience some setbacks… but at least I know that we’ve lived through them before. I’ve always found that, with my weight loss in the past, being able to look at concrete evidence of my success at something gives me confidence to keep moving forward. Everything will work out in the end the way that it’s meant to be. It’s funny for me to say that, since that statement used to frustrate me in the past. I’d get angry and ask how things will work out or claim that things only worked out because I obsessively searched for solutions. I’m able to see now, though, that I was trying to control things too much and there are just some things that are out of your hands. I think (hope) that with my new perspective I will be more successful with my weight loss goals than I have been in the past. I think I’ll be able to be less hard on myself and be able to accept less than perfection.

So far, I’m on Day 2 of being back on program with Weight Watchers and things have been really easy. I think I’ll really like the new PointsPlus plan. I know that New Year’s Eve is coming up and may be a challenge for me, but I will just need to keep reminding myself: everything in moderation, and it’s all about balance. If I use up my weekly allowance that night, it’s OK: that’s what it’s there for. I will just need to make sure to balance it out with the next few days of staying on track and within my daily allowance. We’re getting a new combination elliptical and exercise bike machine delivered today and I’m looking forward to being able to get a good cardio workout in without even needing to leave the house. Our buying that machine and canceling our gym membership is more evidence that my attitude is changing – instead of expecting perfect behavior of getting up early to go to the gym, I’ve realized it’s never going to happen and giving in to investing in making it easier to get in a workout at home.

New Year’s is just around the corner and I couldn’t be happier to put 2010 behind me! Sure, there were some good things that happened this year (Alex got on the Fire Dept and I got a new job), but mostly, for me, this year sucked. I thought that a visual aid might assist in describing my crappy year:

2010 was a year of depressing events, health issues, and stress. Thankfully, it looks like it’s ending on a good note with Alex’s job getting saved (yayayayayay!). I’ve still got a big question mark over my head about the cyst on my thyroid, though. I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday to get it checked out, but with the snowstorm that blew into town the night before they didn’t have enough staff on hand to perform a biopsy. So, they were able to tell me that it LOOKS benign, but that’s not the same as an actual diagnosis. I should be getting a call back to schedule that soon – hopefully! For now, I’m going to keep knocking on wood and telling myself that we’re trending up in the good news department, so I should be finding out good news about my health soon (knock on wood!).

Even with all of the bad things that happened in 2010, there have been good things to come out of this year. We had to endure a miscarriage, but having to go through the rest of the tumultuous events of this year with an infant would have been extremely difficult (that’s not much of a consolation, but it’s something). We’ve had some ups and downs with Alex’s job, but we’re ending the year knowing that he’s secure in it for years to come. I had a hellish couple of months at my previous job, but if it hadn’t gotten that bad, I wouldn’t have left and found a much more stable position with benefits that will enable us to start a family on better financial footing (and less overall stress!). I’ve had some crazy health problems, but if they hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have found the cyst on my thyroid and, if the worst happens and it is cancer (omg knock on wood that it’s not!), then it would have probably gone much longer without being discovered and treated.

Goodbye 2010. You sucked, but I can honestly say that I’m thankful for having had to deal with the suckiness as it’s made me even stronger and made me appreciate what I have much more.

About Ali

I'm a mom to a gorgeous little guy named Max. I work outside the home full time, but in my "spare" time I love learning and am always working on projects that let me broaden my knowledge of sewing, photography, and any number of things that pique my interest!