Hey Rocky, Watch Me Pull An Organization Out of My Hat

Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by Permission
SPINOFF SYSTEMS Interoffice Correspondence
Star Date: 2373.668
To: Key Management (See "oxymoron")
Easily Replaceable Employees
From: Colby Stilton, Executive Big Cheese
Subject: Organization du Jour
By now all of you will have heard the rumor that Spinoff Systems is
going to be reorganized, specifically that you are all moving to
Minneapolis and will all report directly to me. This in fact is
only a rumor, in comparison to which the truth is intended to
look almost palatable.
There are two key reasons why we must reorganize at this time:
(1) When our parent company sold us off, they took advantage of
the sale to dump any unwanted Vice Presidents they had lying
around on us, so (heaven forbid we should lay any of them off,
especially me) we have to find something for them to do.
(2) We need to show that our weak performance in the past was due
to mismanagement by our parent company, that we were poorly
organized in the past, and that the old regime had its
head up its agenda.
In the past we have tried a number of organizations:
by Product Line
by Function
by Function within Product Lines
by Height
by Weight
by Geographic Location
by Zip Code
by First Letter of Middle Name
by Bowling Average
by Shoe Size (the most successful reorganization yet)
by Date of Birth
This time we are going to organize by First Letter of Last Name,
an obvious choice which has been hitherto overlooked. That is,
since I have six Vice Presidents to keep busy, you will be
organized as follows:
EMPLOYEES WHOSE LAST ORGANIZATION NAME
NAMES BEGIN WITH
A-Cl "A Through Cl Operations"
Co-Fr "Co Through Fr Operations"
Fu-Ke "Fu Through Ke Operations"
Ki-Mi "Ki Through Mi Operations"
Mo-Ro "Mo Through Ro Operations"
Ru-Z "Ru Through Z Operations"
I have not given the names of the six Vice Presidents here, as I
left them in my other suit. I am quite confident that nobody
cares anyway.
We expect that this new organization will provide a number of
benefits in terms of the smooth operation of our organization.
For instance, since all employees with the same last name will
generally be in the same department, there should be very few
mixups with mail delivery.
There will, of course, be some teething problems. In particular,
since married couples working for the organization will often be
working in the same department (contrary to company policy) both
individuals will be fired effective immediately, just to be fair.
Additional organizational details will be forthcoming. I know
you are all interested in how this affects you and I ask for your
full cooperation as we work to keep you from finding out.
Colby Stilton
Executive Big Cheese