Monday, October 15, 2012

Firstly, no I haven't forgotten; I simply didn't want to do it. But I am now, so problem solved. I've been doing these stupid blog posts for Digital BS 101 and so I've been avoiding it. So hello again. Again.
Secondly, prepare yourself for a bitch-fest. It's not REALLY a bitch-fest, but it's so long, it might as well be.

You know, I’ve worked really, really hard to get here. I
spent two nights a month out late getting tutoring, test prep, college course
prep, all that fun junk in high school—which, I assure you, is so much harder
than it sounds. I’ve got over 1000 hours of community service, given up so many
Saturdays for college visits and to tutor and filled out so. many.
applications. I’ve done interviews and focus groups and mock-ups and career
fairs and spent long nights doing homework, writing perfect papers, reading garbage,
writing stupid discussion prompts and mock imitations, listened to stupid
professors and smart professors who were boring as hell, given myself ulcers
over GPA, money, homework, tests, papers, class, work and forgotten to eat for
days and still not lost a bit of weight. I’ve learned to lie about how much I
can’t stand myself, how much I can’t stand my life and how much I want to just
cuss out the whole bloody world for a bit. I’m here. And I’m tired.

I always thought college was made for people like me—people
who like to learn new things and talk about what they learned and bounce ideas
off each other and read and write and… I didn’t think I would be happy just
going to work at a fast food place or a factory or something. And I still think
that. But I am so tired. Honestly, I just want to quit for a while. Not
necessarily forever, but just for a while. Hell, MAYBE forever. And why can’t
I?

I wonder what I would have done if I hadn’t had so many
people telling me I had to go to college. I mean, my mother… I wonder just what
would happen, what I would do, if I didn’t have to answer to my mother…

Do you think I’d quit?

I mean, I’m not going to quit obviously. I’m just too damn
close to quit now. But would I have come if I hadn’t had all those people I would
have disappointed otherwise? Would I have? I kind of don’t think so… I think I
would have taken some classes, learned to paint maybe. I love to paint, but
let’s face it: I suck at it. I would have taken some classes, and MAYBE I MIGHT
have gotten a degree anyway, but would I have done it like this?

No.

For example, I wouldn’t live here. I’d live with him, or at
home, but probably with him. I’d only have class two days a week. I’d work at a
pet shop maybe, or at the post office or the library or the car dealership
where my dad’s friend let me work that one Tuesday. It would be simple. When I
was at work, I’d do my work, and when I was home, I‘d be home. No freaking out over papers and spending every
spare moment reading something I’m not even remotely interested in. I’d read
what I wanted and I’d join a book club so I’d have someone to tell it about.
I’d spend a few hours doing homework, just a few, and it would be good
homework. I’d paint. I’d figure draw. I’d get frustrated as hell, because like
I said, I suck at it, but I wouldn’t care, why should I? My transcript wouldn’t
mean anything. No more “permanent record” to hold over my head, you bastards.
Just letter grades that disappeared as soon as I got them, good or bad.

I could write whatever I wanted. I would join a writer’s
club and workshop with them. I’d make my own writer’s club to workshop with.
I’d plant some flowers in a window box and hang it outside. I’d plant herbs in
a window box outside the kitchen that I’d hardly even know how to cook with.
I’d watch TV and movies and play videogames with my boyfriend and not have to
stress out about the paper I should be writing or the crap I have a test on
that I haven’t read yet or the fucking cumulative exam at the end of the
semester filled to brimming with garbage I haven’t even looked at yet and it’s
halfway over.

I could just snuggle up on the couch with him, curled up in
a blanket and watch a movie and go to bed without having to set a six thirty
alarm every day and I could just ENJOY it. Do you have any idea how log it’s been since I
just enjoyed what I was doing right then at that moment without worrying about
something I had to get done for this damn degree? I don’t. I mean even in high
school, I was prepping for this. And high school sucked all on its own.

I feel like…this is going to sound hippy dippy as hell but
here goes:

I feel like I spent my whole childhood being forced to go to
school so I could go to college so I could get a job so I could keep the wheels
of economy turning. I feel like I’ve been—am being—wasted by the “system.” Why
does it come down to this? Why are our live so damn boring? I mean this is the
plan, right?
Born>K-12>Work Force>Retirement/Disability>Dead

Or>College
Degree>Work Force>Retirement/Disability>Dead

You see how that can get boring?

Then there are those few people who get to do things
differently, either because they are born privileged/pretty, get privileged, or
something happens like they manage to publish a shit book or something. Or
they’re Bill freaking Gates and they get filthy rich by working out of their
garage.

Something.

But I’m not going to be one of those people. I mean let’s
face it, I’m a small town girl from Alabama who’s, at best, mediocre at a lot
of things and not really good at a single one. That “other life” isn’t in the
cards for me. So can’t I at least, AT LEAST, do this crap thing MY way? Can’t I
do that? Can’t I spend my years doing what I want when I want without having to
answer to anybody. It’s not like I want to commit a crime, it’s not like I want
to be a bum—although, hey, if someone offered me a private beach on which to
bum, I wouldn’t say no. I just want to DO things. I want to travel. I want to
go to England and Ireland and Mexico and the Ituri. I want to fake smoke. I want
to go to an aquarium. I want to own a bookstore. I want to get married. I want
to have my own house with flowers and two dogs and no stinking white picket
fence. I want to make things and write things and ENJOY things. I want to be
able to drive without having a panic attack. I want to feed ducks. I want to paint
things. I want to have a one-night stand (pre-marriage, of course). I want to
fucking line dance in a cowboy bar!

I don’t want to die. Really, if I could avoid it, I would.
But if I’m going to die, which I am because I have to, then I want to spend the
time I have doing what I want, not killing myself over something that doesn’t
mean as much to me as I thought it would.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Oh no, don't look at me like that. It's not my fault. Professor Distracting is teaching a course on digital rhetoric and part of our assignment is "create a blog and post about subjects relevant to our class." So...yah.
But I don't want any of them reading this. This is me. Real me. Well, as real as an online identity can be I suppose. Or maybe not even that real. I guess it all depends. Anyway, I don't want them all seeing me, so I cheated. Made a whole new google, a whole new account, a whole new blog not at all associated with "this" me. With me. Way to hit the bricks, girl.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

I'm fine with it now but class starts Monday and I'm already stressed about that but somebody liked the joke I wrote on my whiteboard outside my door. So that made me feel good. Wanna hear it? (Hindu's, you might not be amused)....
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Badum-Cha!
:)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I'm....bored....with life. It's pointless.
What do we do?
We wake up, go to work, sit in a desk, go home, eat, go to sleep.
Oh! The weekend! We wake up, go watch TV, eat, go to sleep.
We "relax." We have "fun days" that we spend buying things, clothes, make-up, furniture, which we use to "decorate" things. Our houses, our kids, ourselves. Maybe we go to a movie or a zoo, we watch other things do things, or we watch other things eat, sleep and go to the bathroom. We do this for seventy years then we die.
Wow. Life is amazing, huh?

Am I the only person who isn't content with this? Is there ANYBODY out there who wants more from being alive?
But honestly, what more is there?
I'm just fucking bored.
Bored isn't a great word, but it's the best I got.
Even with God (if you go for that bit), what's the best he does to spice things up? Send you somewhere hot where you just talk more about him then the average person. At most, you go to jail, get tortured and die early. Not exactly what I'm aiming for here.
God doesn't change this boring existence very much, if at all.

The reason I put this little thought bomb on this blog instead of my other one is because it's just one more thing that I'm looking for answers to that I can't find.

I'm bored with the ways of this life, but what else is there to even search for?

If you're out there, say something. Tell me I'm not the only person who just wants more than this.

But there's nowhere, really, to hide from anything.
I'm starting to hate her all over again. Because everything I ever wanted, worked for, cried over, is being placed in front of me and just handed to someone else, someone who hasn't worked for it, who doesn't even really care, who takes it all for granted.
And I feel helpless over it. And I hate that.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Ok, no I haven't forgotten about this thing. In fact, I've thought about it practically every day and then I get kind of angry and decide I don't want to do it. I don't know why but I just really have been avoiding this. I made myself write in my other one though so I think it's about time I wrote in this one. That's what its here for.
Basically, I want to go back to Belize. That kind of ticks me off. I mean I was there for ten days. I didn't really meet anybody who hasn't been involved with the church in some way (although, let me tell you, that doesn't make them perfect). I mean what right do I have to miss a place that I have no real connection with? None. But it's like there is this connection. And it makes me mad. It's silly that I feel this way so I'm mad and it's silly that I'm mad too so I don't know.
Obviously, it's not just the place I miss. But I don't want to talk about that either. That's even more stupid. And you know what's terribly ironic?! This...thing that I miss so much is exactly the thing I prayed for so fervently before... well before a lot of stuff. And then there you go! And now, not only am I not in the position to have it, I'm not even good enough to take it if I could. I can't decide if it's cruel to set something like that in front of me or if its supposed to be an encouragement.
Regardless, that's how I feel about that. I want to go back with all my might. I want to go back. I want to be there. It's not that I don't want to be here... I mean I don't particularly want to be here. The politics there are crazy but to me, it's...it's like that's the place I've been dreaming of all this time. I'd miss PEOPLE here, but nothing else. I wouldn't miss the weather, I wouldn't miss escalators or shopping malls or places like Disney Land. But I miss Belize.

Other than that insanity, my family is another fall apart session. When "the girl" bailed out on all of us, it's not that she was so crucial to our family; it's just that it made sides and now a certain other member of our family feels like they should take hers. But the thing is, I don't have a side, I never made anyone choose. But this certain member has always been...a problem and now it's just getting worse and another member, instead of acting like a husband AND a father, is just acting like an idiot and my mother, is of course, not helping herself by her behavior. In short, it's just a mess. But yah, that's what I've been avoiding. So there you go.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

So I just got back from a mission trip with my church last night. I have, by the way, since pledged to change some of my speech habits simply because they children I tried to teach deserve more than who I have become. Anyway, bottom line is I am now the most confused I have ever been about God and a few other things that I don't want to talk about yet...if ever...online. I'm having one of those moments where I stupidly wish everything would magically work out and everyone involved would be happy and....I don't know what I think could ever possibly happen to make all this stuff ok.
I'll tell you what though. Cried when they dropped us off at the airport, collected myself after a few minutes and lasted till the plane ride almost three hours later, cried through the take off and beginning of that flight, my pastor and friend tried to distract me with a card game, but I just couldn't get into it, kept myself together through the rest of the plane ride and the three hours in the next airport but when that flight took off, I fell to pieces and cried the whole way to the final airport.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Got less than four hours of sleep, woke up to mom acting astoundingly bitchy and me throwing up which was awful because there was nothing in there to get rid of in the first place, my "mother" randomly popped in for a visit, I hid in my room and fell asleep on the floor for about twenty minutes, the boyfriend is being a complete jackass and if I leave this room to get food, I'm going to bombarded with bitchiness.

Monday, June 18, 2012

So.
I was wrong.
I could not watch anymore of LoK. I tried really, really hard and I made it through TWO more whole episodes. Then I got pissed and quit and just read detailed summaries of the rest of the episodes that have already aired.
I was also wrong about the whole "this couldn't be more american teenage love gush if it was hit with a ten pound sack of oogies" thing.
Ironically enough, Tenzin's flying bison is named Oogie (Can someone PLEASE explain to me how Appa's race has suddenly come back about?) and he weighs what? 10,000 lbs, I believe Sokka estimated once... Well I guess Oogie ran them over because there is this whole DISGUSTING love polygon. Bolin "loves" Korra and Korra "loves" Mako (although she went out with Bolin like a piece of trash) and Mako "loves" Korra and Asami but apparently Asami more. It's garbage. I mean sure, love is something that should be celebrated and it makes for good teen turmoil but are you people kidding me?! Anyway, I can't stand it so I quit. The ONLY clips I looked up on youtube were Korra's flashbacks and Meelo beating up equalists because I figured that would be funny, which it was. I was pleased to see Sokka :) and when Toph called Aang "twinkletoes" I smiled like an idiot. Aang disappointed me with his seriousness. I know that obviously he's forty and junk but he was so fun-loving that I think that was a bad line to give him; they could have at least made him say it laughingly. Anyway, at the end of the flashback, Yakone is sentenced to life in jail (note that he isn't sentenced to death, stupid idea) and when he escapes, Aang still DOES NOT KILL HIM. Now, I would have killed him and anybody else with sense would have killed him but Aang is Aang so he doesn't kill him and I'm fine with that. But why did that make me SO MAD?In my last post, I was complaining about how The Promise was stupid because it annihilated Aang's and Zuko's characters. This is PROOF that Aang does not have a short fuse and would not kill someone irrationally, not even the most horrible person! So I ask you again: WHY WOULD AANG KILL ZUKO JUST BECAUSE OF A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING?! HE WOULDN'T! THE PROMISE IS CRAP!
However, I am going to wait impatiently for the pages of the third installment to leak onto the internet and I am going to read them. But if they do not pick up the pace then I am going to riot and refuse to accept anything beyond the last episode of ATLA. Period.

I LOVE AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER SOOOOO MUCH.
But I hate Legend of Korra.

Now, don't start.
I like Korra. I mean, she's not Aang. She's not supposed to be. And I'm ok with Aang being dead simply because Korra and Aang are so connected. HOWEVER, (and some people are going to hate me over this but I don't give a hotsquat), I don't care about these people. At all. I love Tenzin because he is Aang's son. But I don't even like "Katara." I mean young Katara got on my nerves but I liked her. Old Katara is nothing like herself.

I know. I'm getting all gripey but give me a second to re-hash.

I loved the first series because it wasn't just a silly cartoon. It was a funny, charming cartoon that tackled an amazing array of ideologies and issues and made them into something that wasn't mere entertainment; it was art and it was heartfelt and it delved deep into those things that it explored. There were politics, relationships, friendships, characters that I loved and grew to love more as they developed. There were fantastic, imaginative inventions on the part of the creators (the bending, the world, etc), there was religion and philosophy and charm. One of my biggest disappointments is that Legend of Korra, while artistically exquitie and all, lacks that charm. Obviously, it's not supposed to be the same story. I get that. But too much has been lost. It's not the setting per se (although I hate that too), it's just....not enough of what made the original so special. You know what I'm talking about.

And you know what? Seventy years is too long. I know it's a new Avatar. And I'd be fine with that IF there wasn't so sudden a jump.While the writers completely deserve to write the story they want to tell, they owe something to all the fans that made them successful enough to do it. Without us--the fans--their story is told to no one. We do not deserve to be left hanging in such critical areas. Some things, sure. It won't make a difference that I don't know what Iroh was doing in the spirit world (although, I'd be quite interested to find out) but you people made me fall in love with these characters and then you just kill them off without even telling me?! Yah, I knew the time frame before I saw LoK but honestly, I would have rather seen Sokka (and everyone else) die--in the war or what have you--than simply hear Katara say "My brother and most of my friends are gone...." bla bla bla. I knew they were gone. But we love these characters and it's like the creators didn't even give them a proper funeral! I think that's what makes me the most upset. It's not that I don't like this crew (I mean....well, I'll get to that later), it has nothing to do with them. I don't care about them. I might if I had closure, but I don't. I don't even have an old Katara in a graveyard or at a shrine like Iroh did for his son. And we never even met his son!
I'll admit, I haven't watched all of the episodes of LoK that are out already (Season One is almost over) but I just don't think I can. After a couple, I was already upset but I pressed on solely in the hopes of a flashback or a spiritual visit or a grave site or SOMETHING. But you want to know what I got? A FREAKING JERSEY SHORE ACCENT!!!!

The spiritual element of ATLA is one of the things that made it beautiful. And I understand the conflict between the idea of spirituality as old tradition vs modern living.... but it's too much. Of course there would be technological advancement. I hate hate HATE how it has completely overrun the show (I mean, I know there was technology in ATLA but do we have to be so common as an automobile?! My Shakespearean's will understand exactly how I feel by using the word "common"...) but in a new era, I understand why it is there. I HATE IT! but I understand. I CAN THINK OF A THOUSAND WAYS TO AVOID IT AND CONTINUE ON WITHOUT IT AND I CAN AND WILL ARGUE TO THE DEATH THAT THE AVATAR WORLD AND THIS AMOUNT OF COMMON TECHNOLOGY DO NOT FIT (like how can Iroh's secret fire masters still exist in a world like the one portrayed in Republic City? I know it hasn't spread over the whole world yet, but at the rate they have it going, it has to and then EVERYTHING that connected Aang's World to Korra's--all the tradition and culture--is going to be gone. Things hardly changed at all from at least the last water tribe avatar to the time of Aang so why start now? Why can't the Avatar world stay...pure? Why must it be contaminated like ours? That's not creativity. It's depressing. I don't want to distract myself with TV or books just to end up in the same place that I was trying to escape from...) but i won't. Suffice it to say: I HATE IT. Now, back on subject: I understand why the technology would have spread and caused an industrial revolution but HOW DARE YOU THROW SNOOKI INTO THAT WORLD! JERSEY SHORE ACCENTS HAVE NO PLACE IN A HISTORICALLY INUIT AND JAPANESE CULTURE. I wanted to fire-bend my screen. I understand how "gang" violence would come into play. BUT A JERSEY ACCENT?! I will never, ever forgive the creators for that. Ever. I'm pretending that ATLA and LoK aren't even related. It's not working, but dammit I'm doing it anyway.

And this will also set many fans blazing, but you can go suck a frozen frog from the marsh. I love Zuko. From the very first episode of ATLA, Zuko was and continued to be, my very favorite character. I wasn't on the villian's side of course, but obviously, we all know that Zuko is an amazingly layered character with a past that many of us can relate to ("Our parents aren't crazy firelords" you say. No, but domestic abuse is a very real thing. If Zuko is based off of an actual person the writers know, that person is my hero.) and an intriguing personality. He is what many writers and cartoonists strive for when creating the Bryonic Hero. He encapsulates all the pain and brooding, all the mystery and attraction, without being a sell-out, without being "typical", without being the center of attention, the boy the silly girls gawk over for his pretty face (although they do gawk). I think you can all sense where I'm going with this. Zuko and Katara belong.... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! DID YOU REALLY THINK I WAS GOING THERE?! THEY MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER THAT IS GARBAGE. Where I was going was the SECOND most popular Zuko topic: his mother. I know there are those of you who don't care and that's fine but geez this guy deserves SOMETHING GOOD. He deserves to have his mother back and I want to know where the hell she is.
I know what some--most--of you are thinking and you're right. We knew from the beginning that this was a three season gig and when the story was done, it was done. We got that. They gave us what they said they would. But dammit, you people wasted our time with the Ember Island Players episode, would one or two more episodes with a short epilogue really kill you?! And even if it would, I don't really care, I mean you did KILL them. I'm not asking for a whole nother season. That's garbage. ATLA was beautiful and it shouldn't be marred by power rangers type milking but COME ON! I'm asking you for one or two hours here! And I'm not the only one asking! Like I said before, artists such as those responsible for ATLA deserve the right to tell the story they want to tell, but they owe their fans too.
Now you're all saying: Don't forget about the three part comic book "The Promise!"
-____________________________-'..........
That's one of those emoticon faces if you didn't know. It actually looks like Sokka's sand sculpture of Suki but whatever.
I read the first two. I'm waiting (from this day in June until freaking SEPTEMBER) for the third. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be disappointed. Why? Several reasons.
1. The first two are, while obviously official and all that jazz, only somewhat better than "We have to slap this all together so our fans don't abandon us" trash. The art is pretty true, buuuuuuuut.....
I don't give a hotsquat about the fact that Aang and Katara end up together. That's great. Whatever. (I'll be discussing the stupid Zuko/Katara thing later, as a pointless ranty side note.) But if I see either of them say "sweetie" and mean it AGAIN, I'm going to act like Azula after her agni kai with Zuko. I mean at first I was like "Oh haha! I can hear this funny, silly slightly sarcastic banter between the CHILDREN (because they are like what? 13 and 15 at MOST?)" but then they kept doing it. And they were serious. And then they kept doing it after Toph illustrated the idea of the oogies. So that's a done deal. The writing is sub-par...to be optimistic. That isn't my only issue but its the most irritating one with the writing style. I don't know who this Gene Luen Yang is, but I'm not impressed. I don't think he was supervised closely enough. Nor do I think that (at least so far) enough care was put into this by the original creators. I mean, it's like they're all hopped up on Korra and just want to get Aang and the crew out of the way so they can do their new thing. I happen to despise TV. I am a book person. But this is the exception. I can't deal with comics. I can't separate the image from the language well and everything I see on the page gets so busy looking that every time I try to read a comic, I get a horrible headache. Plus, like I said, an hour or two of screen time (the original medium) wouldn't kill them but whatever, I soldiered through and got my two headaches.
The characters obviously have to follow a certain course of events. But did they have to suddenly become so annoying? I mean, sure, Katara has always been kind of...well, pretty annoying. But Aang and Zuko are being....taken out of character. In case you forgot, Zuko had quite a transformation. It lasted the whole dang series. And I get the whole "he will always have to struggle thing" but seriously? Really? REALLY? And why is Aang suddenly the one with temperament issues? And so ready to kill off Zuko? How is that within his character? Sure, when Aang is pissed, he tends to lose control but Aang is not a guy of the short fuse. Not at all. He wouldn't even kill the fire-lord, the most horrible man alive, but the only thing he needed to let himself kill one of his friends is a small misunderstanding? Seriously? No.
Random thing that pisses me off: King Kuei. At the beginning of season three, Aang is told by Sokka that King stupid face and his pet bear, Bosco have left to travel the world. The KING of freaking BA SING SE ABANDONED THE FIGHT. HE IS A DESERTER WHO LEFT FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO HAVE A FIELD TRIP WITH HIS HOUSE PET! SELFISH, COWARDLY DESERTERS DON'T GET TO COME BACK AND BE KINGS! And that's on top of the fact that the man is an idiot! So what is he doing in The Promise? Being an idiot, a crap King and making everything worse when he shouldn't even be involved. I would have stuck that deserter with Azula, wherever the hell SHE is.... Bumi should be king.
2. Nothing worthwhile is happening. You mean I have to wait til September to find out if you're even going to TELL me about Zuko's mom and what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Be happy that Sneers has a girlfriend? Great. But you forgot that you killed off all the characters I cared about without proper burial; I'm not concerned about Sneers. Toph's school. Yah ok. I mean I LOVE Toph but you people are giving me three comic books to get the closure I want and you're wasting it by talking about a stupid fight between six random kids and some random jerk? I love Toph, but the story of her school didn't require this much when you can't give me what does require work.
3. We've established that I'm basically in love with a cartoon character. Zuko is an amazing character. Can't be said too much. But you spent three seasons inspiring me with his gradual victory over his father's abuse only to throw him back into the jail to be manipulated?! How could you do that? Zuko's victory over his family life was an amazing feat to me. It sounds silly but that was one of the wonderful things about this show: it truly affected the people who loved it. Zuko's journey affected me, inspired me, made me hopeful. And you people stuck him back under his father's foot. I know, in the end that Aang and Zuko will found Republic City so I am 99% sure that Zuko will gain victory over his past again but I am so pissed that that had to happen AGAIN. 3 seasons of child abuse and watching a son try to prove himself to his horrible father is enough. I don't want to see any more. Zuko's conversation with Iroh in the white lotus tent should have been the END of Ozai's power over him. Period.
4. With all this time wasting, who's to say they will tell us anything? They have one book left to give us the answers, the closure, the END OF ATLA. ONE SMALL COMIC BOOK. And we've gotten absolutely nowhere. Sure, from LoK, The Promise fills us in backwards, but we want ATLA! We want you to fill us in on THEM! If you wanted to give us more Korra, you should have aimed for more than two seasons. If you wanted less of Aang and Katara and Sokka and Zuko and Toph, you shouldn't have made us love them.

There are so many things that I don't like about LoK. But I can ignore them all. If I could seperate Aang's world from Korra's world, it would be an ok show. I wouldn't make a schedule around seeing it but if I saw it was on I would watch it. But I can't put them together in my head and it be ok. I feel betrayed by DiMartino and Konietzko. I don't hate Korra. She's awesome. She's kind of annoying and this whole focus on her little romantic escapade with whats his face (a Lok Zuko-type version of Katara [relationally to Aang]) drives me nuts. It couldn't be more out there and stupid American teenager if it was hit in the face with a ten pound sack of oogies. And he's such a sell-out. You people want to remake Zuko? Do it well. What's his name (Mako?) is too easy. Anyway, if the Jersey Shore talk hadn't pissed me off so much, I would have watched more. And I AM going to watch them because A) I still have hope that ATLA's creators haven't completely betrayed me B) I'm begging the Universe for a flashback, some story telling, ANYTHING. I will take some really lousy Sokka style art at this point if you people will just give me a glimpse of the characters you made us love and C) I was really excited about LoK. I hope that if I give it another chance, it won't let me down.

Random side note that I warned you about:
Zuko does not belong with Katara, Mai, Suki or that little earth kingdom refugee he lit up a fountain for. I respect Mai as her own character but she was introduced too late to be deeply thought out enough for Zuko. I like her, but if you put two people whose outlook on life is that dreary TOGETHER, you will have a double suicide on your hands. Katara is katara. She's a pain in the butt. I like her. But no. Dear Sokka haters: you all suck. If they put Sokka and Toph together (ew. age.....?!) and Suki and Zuko together, I will not retract this statement. Suki and Zuko=no and Suki does not=common trash that would betray someone she cared about. Suki and Sokka. Period. Sokka haters go swim to boiling rock. Finally, the little earth kingdom girl would have been completely fine with me if she hadn't seemed dumb. I like her personality (although I think putting him with someone THAT bubbly would be a stretch) but she was two marks shy of the prize. Sorry. Then there's June. But we're not even going to go there. Personally, I think it was just a very difficult task to find someone suitable for him so they just glazed over it mostly. I wish they had done a better job about that but at least he could find strength in Iroh.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

I opened it yesterday! Right now I only have one item for sale but I think it's a pretty cool little thing! My store is called "Musing Corner" and I'm pleased :)I'm working on some things right now to add to the shop :)

Monday, June 4, 2012

I haven't abandoned you; I've just been away. I was at a friend's house for a few days. Took a nice hot bath in herbs, had a hair rinse, made a coffee scrub. Lot's of yummy recipes.

I have oily curly hair. My friend has super curly hair. Alabama weather is hell with humidity. This rinse gave me curls minus frizz and no extra hair oil.
All you need is heat and olive oil.
You'll need enough olive oil to cover your hair. Put it in a cup or bowl, add some herbs (we used sage) for smell goods if you like, and microwave til warm (WARM, NOT HOT). After your scrub and shampoo, work through your hair (more in the bottom, sparingly on top by your scalp and even less so nearer your forehead), let sit five to ten minutes then rinse out COMPLETELY.

Spa tea:
Run some hot bath water and while the tub fills, cut yourself some herbs. We used Sage, lavender and rosemary. Wash and cut, drop into a pestle and mortar (or just chop it up A LOT and crush it together) and break out the coffee filters. Drop a few teaspoons into each filter and pull the ends up into a sachet and bind. We ended up having to staple ours. Drop sachets into the bath, give it a few minutes to mix and step into your spa tea.

Monday, May 21, 2012

So yesterday (and shut up, because this is big for me and it was freaking FUN), I went down head first on a water slide and I DID scrape my elbow but it was worth it. I also went on a zip line and today I shot a bow and arrow. So I did something scary awesome (but in my opinon not scary enough to count as marking something off the list) and I got to act like a kid practically all day. I've been taking nice long showers and giving myself facials and get this, Sunday I did my hair, wore a dress and did my makeup. I'm on a role people. And I'm already feeling a bit better. It's nice.
Lousy thing that happened though: the house I wanted to buy for like the last four years, it's going to auction. Which SUCKS. But this week, I'm going to take the sign. In the dark of night, mwahahahaha. No, seriously, I'm not going to steal. That's wrong....
Do police read blog posts over a silly missing sign?

Friday, May 18, 2012

So the point of the life list is to identify what you want to change about your life and how you want to feel, then you select activities that make you feel that way. I decided that I wanted to be:
Happy Creative Influential Beautiful Loved
So I identified things that made me happy:
being outside, swimming, the ocean, reading, rain, snuggling with the A/C on, acting like a kid, fresh cut grass, feeling adventurous, hot baths, smell good lathery soap, fluffy animals, talking about books, planning my future
Things that made me feel creative:
freshly sharpened pencils, beautiful music, writing, looking at art, planning a tattoo
and etc, etc.
Then you make a list of things to do each day (mine had things like go outside, listen to music, give myself a facial, etc.) and a list of things to do often (like once on week, once a month) and things to do for life, like a bucket list. But the goal isn't to do every little thing and you don't have to stick to it, you can add things, delete things, tweak things, whatever. It's YOUR list. And it's geared toward making you feel the way you want to; it's geared toward making your life what you want it to be.
You can see my list on the "My Life List" page.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

It was so impossible. I had just made almost fifty bucks selling back books, I was walking with B. and talking about passports, we walked into the bank and there she was. IN THE BANK. IN THIS TOWN. Why? Why are you here? Why did you notice me? Why did you say anything to me? Why are you still intruding after YOU LEFT ME?
Why was my mother at the bank?

Sunday, April 29, 2012

And I mean it. Fuck everybody.
That damn "sister" or whatever the hell she was is getting on my last nerve. Her dumb ass little bitch boyfriend is getting on my nerves. These dumb ass people who don't have shit to do but randomly walk up to you and ask how you doin' and then go behind you like "I don't like her" are getting on my nerves.
People: your asses are not in high school anymore. You need to do one of three things.
Grow the fuck up.
Get the fuck away from me.
Jump off a damn bridge.
In fact, do all of those things.
Tonight.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

So I'm going to try to wean myself healthy. I refuse to even bother trying to tackle my caffeine addiction until finals are over but my goals today are:
No more than ONE soda or coffee.
Drink at least two glasses of water.
No fried food (chicken, fries, the whole she-bang).
No taking the lift; stairs are mandatory.
There we go. So we'll see how I do. :)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

6. You know, I know I'm a pain.
I know I complain a lot. In my defense, I don't actually complain as much in real life as I do on here just because I created this thing so I'd have a place to vent but still, it's probably a real drag reading some of my whiny, never-ending, complaints about things that aren't really worthy of complaining about. I can admit that.
And why am I owning this? Because people (whoever you guys are...) are actually reading this. Why does that matter? Because maybe sometimes my life could be better, and maybe I do have some dark secrets, but so does everybody else and are they complain this much? Well, maybe. But either way, I don't have to cry about silly little things all the time. I can enjoy things, so I'm going to talk more about those things. Because in all truth, I'm a pretty lucky woman and I need to appreciate that fact more often.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

The man has a temper, I'll give you that. But I have a temper too.
He also has great taste in movies, an eye for cool hats and awesome red hair ;)
But his temper.... ahhhhh.
But that's ok because I Love the guy anyway :)
This was one of those weekends when time is just really, really disjointed and nothing fits together right. Except us.

Now that I'm done with my mushy-gushy love fest, we can move on with our day like I'm sure you all were just begging for. My roommate is awesome (I literally cannot say that enough times), I got two really cool books from BAM and had a water fight with Boyfriend at his dad's birthday party today. Good times :)

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I'm just in that mood where I want to talk. I want to write. I want to research everything I care about, learn the whole world and talk about it. For a long, long time. But right now, right this moment, what do I have to say? Not much.

Three good things:
I met a freaking awesome girl today.
I don't have to go to two of my classes tomorrow.
I had some pink lemonade sherbet (which is the ultimate fruity ice cream).

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Ha ha ha! you're thinking! YOU is the only person you ever talk about!
Yes, you're right. My blog, my life, I get to do that. But seriously, when people ask you "what are you like? What three words best describe you? Bla bla bla" do you have any idea how to answer?

I don't. I don't know how I am at all. Sometimes, I surprise myself in a good way but sometimes...

If you don't like who are and you want to change something about yourself (ie "such and such feels that he is too shy and wants to be more outgoing) is that being fake? or is that just self-help? Whats the difference anyway?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

It's not that I don't care about politics and religion and all. I do. And I even love arguing about it. I just need somewhere to vent and this is where I do this. My post about Lesko does not make this the new "political place to be." Not by a long shot. I'm still going to rant about my life. So please don't expect any different. This isn't a TV program for entertaining anyone.
But thanks for stopping by and all.

So let me just go ahead and clarify a few things:
1. I am not a political expert. This is my opinion.
2. This is a blog post, not a newsroom banter table.
Those things being said, do not come back at me with my own words or yours. I'll own what I say because I did my research before I opened my mouth but if you have nothing better to do than google or stumble upon this and complain to me, go away.

The Basic Bill HB2625
So lets dissect this.
First let's start off with Lesko.
According to debbielesko.com, paid for by the "Re-Elect Debbie Lesko Committee" and plastered with photos of her fulfilling her patriotic duties, she is a happily married woman with three children. That's nice. She's pretty. Big smile. Seems to like kids. (Ha ha see what I did there?)
She doesn't seem like some psycho crazy politician. And yet...
I'm really not saying she is. I'm being a little harsh on her because I'm angry but I genuinely don't believe many people wake up saying "I'm going to tick off America today." And I don't think she did either. I think she just took something too far.

But let's be real. This bill is crap.

In a nutshell (although I 100% strongly encourage you to read the bill for yourself instead of just taking it from me) HB2625 states that if you are a religious employer or a secular employer who has a moral problem with using contraceptives for birth control than you can choose to not cover the cost of it in any health insurance plan for an employee who uses it (you may require a doctor's note saying that the contraceptives are for acne or hormones; I suppose that's so the employer can pretend to rest easy with their conscious clear at night). You may also fire them if they pay for contraceptives with any other source, be it private insurance outside your work place or cash.
Her thing is that she doesn't want to force employers to offer or accept something that they feel is morally wrong. Now I am SO COOL with not forcing people to deal with things that they think are morally wrong BUT I have a few issues with this.
First of all, who thinks that the government should stay out of people's bedrooms (heterosexual or homosexual) in the first place and deal with the economy, the sex trafficking in "our own beloved, free country," the poverty of so many, the death of sick children, world hunger, ANYTHING that a government should be doing? I mean the function of a government is to handle things that the people cannot handle themselves. We can handle who we sleep with and how many kids we want (although I might not protest to making people take parenting classes or something before they can have kids; I'm so tired of crap parents...). The government needs to butt out of people's personal lives and focus on doing it's freaking job. They sure get paid enough.
Second of all: birth control is not the same as abortion. Whether you are pro-choice or pro-life, you are an idiot if you think preventing pregnancy is on the same level as abortion. If that were the case, then you're all mass serial killers because every sperm or egg you've ever produced would have to become a baby. Swallow that. I am a firm supporter of birth control. For some people, it is a medical danger for them to be pregnant. For other people, they are intelligent enough to know that they don't actually want kids, that they can't take care of a kid or that they just aren't ready for one yet. It seems that people don't want the option of birth control because it will give other "bad" people reason to have crazy promiscuous sex all day every day. Let me tell you something: I'm all for waiting for that person. But if someone is going to have sex, they are 9 times out of 10 going to have sex whether they have birth control or not. And I for one would rather they just have it because I see no reason to bring yet another child into this world who isn't wanted or can't be taken care of or whatever the case may be. I am not saying all teen moms are crap; all I'm saying is that if they made a mistake, I'd rather see consequences prevented in the first place than aborted later or miserable even later.
Lastly, let's be realistic: you can't make everybody happy all the time. Either the employer has to be unhappy or the employee has to be unhappy. I, personally, think that no employee's basic health insurance coverage should be lessened because of what the employers "feels." No employer has the right to decide those kinds of things (whether B.C. is right or wrong, whether someone needs kids, can't have sex anymore, etc.) for an employee. Period. And I'm not saying you shouldn't stand by what you believe in; if you think B.C. is wrong, fine. Stand by that. Own it. But do not try to make my choices for me. You shouldn't lessen basic healthcare and then on top of that, threaten or even be allowed to threaten to fire someone for getting it another way that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you or your company. If you simply can't tolerate the thought that someone is working for you who uses birth control, opt out of offering healthcare and be prepared for people to find better jobs. I will not sacrifice my body, my time, the rest of my life just to make you feel like you fulfilled some religious duty that had nothing to do with you to begin with.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Like you have no idea. And I can't even yell "I'm an atheist" and forget about it. Oh no! I kinda wish I could sometimes so then I wouldn't have to think about it. But I was raised Christian and even though I have some problems with it there are a lot of problems I have without it too. Right now, I technically consider myself an agnostic, but I lie to my mom about it because she just can't handle it. I told her I was getting another tattoo yesterday and she freaked out about how I'm "getting farther and farther away from God and hate going to church." I'm tired of hearing it.
I just don't think it is fair that people are brought into existence with no regard to the fact that they never even asked for it and now all of a sudden they have to guess which religion is right and if you get it wrong: HELL FOR YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY! BURN, BABY, BURN!
Not fair.http://whoareyougod.blogspot.com/

Friday, March 9, 2012

Not too much explanation needed. They are loud and obnoxious potheads who don't do anything but get stoned, mess up the house and make it stink. The girl is married to boy #1 and sleeping with boy #2 who is by #1's "best friend" and of course, when they come in, WE have to leave. It's not like they have any fucking thing better to do than be loud and obnoxious so I have to make way. They eat all the food, drink everything and then some, throw garbage all over the place and pee in the fucking floor but I have to go to another room. Right.

Try to make me feel lousy. If I'm wrong about something, tell me so but don't make me feel bad just for the hell of it.

Tell another woman that "I'd love to but I have a girlfriend." Not if you keep that up, you don't.

Give up on me when I'm being difficult.

Act like you're better than me because: a) you know stuff about my family. I know stuff about yours too. b) you "aren't as rich" as me. My family is just as broke, I worked my ass off to get into college and my family has worked hard for what little we have. c) your life has been "harder" than mine. Everybody has a story, including the two of us; do not downplay my hardships unless you want me to mock yours. d) you know how to change the oil in a car. I know how to do calculus ANDI know how to manipulate men into changing the oil in my car FOR me. We can be good at different things; you don't have to be a dick about it.

Sometimes:

When I say "What are we gonna do today?" I don't want to hear "I don't know; you pick something." I want to hear "You just wait! I've got a great surprise planned!"

When we are sitting on the couch watching a movie, I want him to start a play fight with me and stop acting like we're a couple of old farts.

I want a bouquet. Of fucking TULIPS.

I want you to tell me what a bitch I'm acting like. (Use this with caution...)

I want you to admit what a bitch you're acting like. And say you're sorry. And mean it. And show it.

I want you to figure it out your own damn self.

All the time:

When I ask "What do you think about this?" I don't want to hear "I don't know; what do you think?" I want to hear "I love it! That's a great..." or "I don't think that's a good..."

When I say "I'm fine." I don't want to hear "fine then." I want to hear "No, you're not" as he wraps his arms around me.

I don't want you to make me jealous of other women, I want you to make other women jealous of me. As in: open the fucking door for me. Do you have any idea how many brownie points you get for that one simple thing?! Stop acting like you're too good to be a fucking gentleman.

I want you to quickly remind said women that you are unavailable and actually, no, you wouldn't be interested if only you didn't have girlfriend; you're not interested because you Love me, not because you're stuck with me.

I want you to ask me what I think and actually TAKE THAT INTO CONSIDERATION.

Pick your battles more wisely. You don't have to beat up the guy who looked at you funny in the parking lot; you do have to say something to the guy who was a jerk to me.

Tell me when you just can't figure me out. Just ask me.

None of this is to say that he doesn't do anything right. I mean of course he does.

Awesome Things About My Guy Include

but are not limited to:

He is so insanely thoughtful. Twice, little things he's done because of something I mentioned in passing almost made me bawl my eyes out.

He lets me hang onto him for dear life during scary movies.

He really, sincerely wants me to play video games with him and is very patient (and amused) when I get stuck in a closet somewhere and can't figure out how to get out.

He actually encourages my crazy, sporadic hobbies and projects even when they are totally unrealistic or unlikely to be finished.

He is terrible at keeping surprises a secret and watching him get mad when I guess my present is ADORABLE.

He's a ginger.

He thinks I'm beautiful even when I need a shower. Like badly.

He has pretty awesome taste in TV shows. Except Jackass. I hate that show.

The soap he uses smells so good.

He always tells me that I can do it. And when he says it, I know I can.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The 100 days of Confession have begun.
Here's the drill:
Confession.
Explanation.
The end.

Let's get started.

1. I will NOT have a "rockin' body" by Spring Break.

Wanna know why? Plenty of reasons.
A. I don't have will power. None. Squat. ZERO. I like ice cream.
B. I kept finding good "diet and exercise" programs but I never started them.
I get so upset by the fact that everybody seems to think that overtly skinny, like anorexic skinny, is what's expected of a woman to make her beautiful. I mean, come on. What happened to loving boobs and butts and hips and hourglasses? I'm an hourglass. And now all of a sudden nobody thinks that's cool anymore. So what do I do? I stew about how nobody makes clothes to fit my shape and how I shouldn't have to change my body just so other people will like it and bla bla bla and yet: I hate looking in the mirror. Like seriously. I fucking hate my mirror. SO MUCH. I will never be as pretty as I wish I were or as other people think I should be. One of my friends told me today that I had "one of those normal, forgettable faces." Wow. Thanks a lot. I kinda wonder why she bothered to tell me that. I mean, it was... unnecessary. But either way, she's right. I'm plain. There's nothing special about me. I mean the thing is, if I lost like ten pounds in the right places, I'd have the body of a play-boy bunny. And don't tell me people don't freak the fuck out over play-boy anymore. So why am I forgettable? Why do I hate my mirror? Why will I always put myself to a standard of "beauty" that I can never reach and degrade myself when I fail?
I don't know.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

That's kind of a pun. I can do this.
It's basically a "fuck the world" kind of day. And I plan on continuing that theme until Spring Break. I turned in my stupid paper, got an A on one of my midterms, turned in my other stupid paper, took (I have no idea, nor do I really care, what I got on) my COMS midterm and I felt sooo relaxed. BUT I have another midterm tomorrow (History, burn in hell! Or no; just this guy's exams), another crazy assignment coming up, a few photo-shoots this week that popped up that I wasn't expecting, and yet ANOTHER English midterm. But I REFUSE to get stressed again. I ran my fingers through my hair this morning and out came a chunk that would make a chemo patient stare. I freaked out. But let's just summarize the week (because lists make everything feel better):Monday: AWESOME. There was a sweet girl who gave me a scantron and there was free coffee. COMS Midterm is DONE.
Tuesday: Meh.Turned in both of my "stressed me the hell out" papers. Shot at some paper targets. My shooting was alot less straight today because a) you shouldn't shoot in heels and b) I was really grouchy and couldn't keep my hands from shaking.
Wednesday: Gotta do soem work on Thomas More's Utopia, gotta critique some creative writing, gotta take a History midterm.
Thursday: World Lit midterm, gotta read some crap for Lit. Theory. Gonna work on my crazy weird, annotated bib. assignment (FIFTEEN SOURCES FOR A FAKE PAPER! WHAT?!)
Friday: Null. HAHAHAHA! Freedom. MIGHT go to the gun store.....?

Anyway, I'm working on a partially fabricated life piece for writing which is, of course, about the biological. I have no idea what I'm doing. But like I said, fuck the world, I refuse to stress. I hope this will help me move past it though.

Anyhoo, I hope all you guys are having a good week too. And if you're not, I'm really sorry :( I hope you find a reason to smile. In fact......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................maybe you'll find something here.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

How cliche of me. I'm very disappointed. I miss the days of my good, punny post titles.

But that's the saying right? That history repeats itself. I thought it was only supposed to happen ever fifty years?But I guess since the history of mankind is so long, one year is close enough for the life of an individual right?

How long til this crap goes away?
Oh, if you're wondering why I'm not cussing my guts out for a while, I gave up cussing (and fastfood and soda and facebook) for lent. How freaking ironic right? I'm not only not Catholic, I'm technically an agnostic now. Albeit an empirical one. Wow. A public declaration. I'll admit I'm always leaning toward the hope that Christianity is true, but in a tiny little way, I'm not. Anyway, if you care about that part of me, read the other blog.

Moving on.
I'm tired of feeling like this. It colors everything I do orange.
Yes, orange. I don't really want to get into that right now but I'm sure I will later anyway. *sarcasm* I'm sure the suspense is killing everybody. -_-'

Has anyone else noticed how in need we are of a sarcasm font? Really? Of all the people who work with typography, why do we not have that yet?

And I just can't tell if I'm reacting to things because that's how a normal person would react (or how I, at least, would normally react) or if this repetitive era is just putting me way too on edge.

Maybe...
Nevermind.

I feel like if I graphed my "moods" over the last six years, it would look like the stock market. In 1929.

Have I mentioned how much I hate my biological?
And since I'm blaming everything on her--like it's useful, productive, or in anyway not b!tchy--let's just all assume she's a Nazi too. Now everybody hates her as much as I do and I feel a little better.

That's stupid.
A. Nazi's are way suckier than my mother. So nobody freak out and act like I'm making light of the holocaust. I can hear it now: "Blogger is anti-semantic!" Holy crap. Because anything a "white" person says is racist and everybody else can just say whatever the heck they want to. I'll go dip myself in butter and cocoa powder and then I can say anything I want.
Anyway, it's my blog so if you want to get pissy, screw off. Otherwise, congratulations! You're one of the few who know how to not take everything seriously and personally because you realize the whole freaking world doesn't revolve around you. Great job.
B. I can't blame her for everything. In fact, I can't blame her for anything. Not really. I mean in a way, sure I can; it's her fault. But, theoretically, I could just move on right?

Friday, February 24, 2012

I think I'm making a decision right now. I think.
I think that by the end of the term, if I can't get my junk together, that I'm going to take my money out of the bank, get in my car and actually drive it. And I have no idea where the heck I'm going to drive to. Or maybe I'll get in an empty train car. I've always wanted to do that. Then, when I get tired of being where I end up, then I can just call somebody and get picked up. Of course, everyone is going to wanted to kill me but what's the big deal about that?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

And I'll tell you what; I'm developing some crappy habits.
I've been procrastinating on my work so much lately that it's all been shit. I turn it all in at the last possible second.
I mean if that's how you do things, cool. That's how you are. But it's not how I am. I just cannot make myself focus on anything worth a crap anymore.
I mean come on.
The only thing I have accomplished in the last few days is watching every episode of My Drunk Kitchen. Which you should look up on youtube because its fucking awesome and I love it. I hate wine. I don't like booze at all but I want to drink with this woman.
That would keep me from writing my paper too.
In fact that's what I'm doing now.
Time to get off the internet.
Waaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiit.My Drunk Kitchen
You're welcome.

Friday, February 3, 2012

It was intended to be a good day.
You know those days where you have a positive attitude and nothing gets you down but all of a sudden, the ONE thing that should not have happened happens?
Almost all day, I could just feel myself shutting down, one bit at a time.
I don't want to give up again.
And I know that this is one of those defining moments.
I mean... this crash landing will be a hell of a lot worse than the first one if I can't get myself out of this hole.
I just don't know how this is going to end at this point.
I think maybe I just need to prepare myself for it, either way.

How do you prepare for that?

It wasn't all bad. I'm not being a Negatron. I just wish the rain would stop falling on my parade. I wish I had something to hold me up. The guy who should be holding me up right now, well I mean in a way he's doing the best he can because he doesn't completely understand because I just can't make myself tell him. But at the same time, he's NOT doing the best he can. It's like no matter how hard I try to open up, he just can't let me. He can't let me spill my guts and it just be about ME, just ONE TIME. He can't just listen to me and hold me and promise me that he'll do whatever it takes to get rid of all this garbage in my life. It's not like I expect him to be able to do that, but trying or at least wanting to would help.
He says I should trust him. But how can I? On top of the fact that my biological bitch is turning my mind upside down and that my stress level is making me pretty much ruin my own life, there is SOME FUCKING GIRL every single week. Do I think he's sleeping with these girls? No. But do I think something is going on that shouldn't be? Absolutely yes. I mean no, it's not like there's some girl walking out of his bedroom or something; it's just that for some fucked up reason, these tricks just seem to want to walk up to me and be like "Hey, guess what. You're boyfriend, you know, your only fucking security, the only person you ever trusted completely and have been through both of your personal hells with over the last four and a half years, that guy? Yah, he's fucking me."
Ok, one: I know that's not true. I absolutely know that.
But for some reason, I'm just easy to leave. And I don't trust anybody. And I did trust him. But that night, that one fucking night... And every time one of those girls starts talking her shit, I go there. I can't help it. All those memories that I shove into that secret vault inside me just fly out. Every. Fucking. Time.
And you'd think I would be used to it. But I don't think I'll ever be.
I used to be able to love people who hurt me. I used to able to just keep on loving them and loving them and loving them. What they did just did not affect me loving them. I may have thought very badly of their choices and even told them so and even disliked them. But I could--did--love them.
I don't do that anymore. I think I just got turned around at some point. But I miss being able to do that. I can't even make myself trust the people I know and love the most.
I feel like I'm falling off a cliff. And I just. Can't. Stop.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

And not just the kind in bouquets (although, if LoverBoy wanted to give me some, I would love that, cough cough).
I miss gardening. The one I had at home has been left without my care for so long while I'm at school that it's a complete mess. One of my flowers is almost as tall as the dwarf tree next to it. I don't think I can have a window box on my window here.... It would be sooooo nice, but probably a safety hazard since I'm three floors up and above a landing. Damn.
I think I might do it anyway.
I wish I could garden our lower quad. It's a mess. Completely trashed and nobody even cares. SO MUCH GARBAGE AND EMPTY GRASS! SO MUCH POTENTIAL! I suppose I could pay $10 and get a plot at the community garden down the street but they don't let you grow flowers, just veggies. And I want somewhere I can sit. And read. And pretend I'm not single-handedly ruining my own life by letting that crazy bitch biological of mine get to me so much.
I need flowers. I'm jealous of this awesome home and garden blog that I read almost religiously. It's awesome, you should check it out, by the way, if you like things like that.
I think I'm going to buy the window box and fix it up anyway. The University can screw off.

Monday, January 30, 2012

So...
I'm kind of spiraling downward at this point. I think
I think I'm basically just waiting to die.
I can't sleep.
I can't stay awake.
I can't focus in class.
I can't focus at work.
I can't have normal relationships with ANYBODY.
I'm losing myself all over again.
But everytime I think about "getting help" I think of all those times I tried before.
It never worked. And the one time it did, I realized I was just another check mark.
Just another "fixed" job. Just another resume builder.
That's why I dropped social work you know.
I know they are people. They care about people. That's why they are counselors and social workers and junk.
But they care about PEOPLE. They don't care about A PERSON. They didn't care about me.
So I keep telling myself not to go downstairs and ask for help.
Because I can't bear them looking at me.
I don't want anyone to look at me.
I'm ugly.
And worthless.
I'm fat.
I'm not as smart as people think I am.
I'm not at all.
I'm not anything.
I'm not enough.
And I'm never gonna be.
I don't know who I am.
But I'm lost.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Honestly? I've been avoiding posting like the black plague. I don't know what to say on my other blog, I have no answers, so I'm avoiding it. But I couldn't make myself post here either.
You wanna know my problem? Really?
My parents abandoned me. There.
And I am just waiting for every other person in my life to walk out.
LoverBoy and I had a bad night several months ago. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you what month it is because I was so out of it for so long after that. And that night plus that stupid bitch (the "mother") running out on me AGAIN, the way she did... I can't get past it. It makes it so hard to trust him. And its not his fault. He's given me no reason to not trust him. I just can't. I just keep waiting for something to happen, for him to cheat or leave or SOMETHING because she left again. And she hates me. My own mother, the woman who put in months of being fat and moody and hours of labor, she hates me. She loves my brother. She hates me.
And I can't get over it. I get distracted by it on a daily basis. I have dreams about her and her stupid husband. Bad ones. It makes me stay up late, makes me tired, makes me miserable. And I hate myself. Because she left because of me. Now, my brother doesn't see her. And she actually loved him, in her way. She doesn't see her own father (my grandfather who raised me) and I know he secretly blames me. I blame me. But I hate her.
I guess that's ok since she hates me back.
I hate her.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

So basically, I need to stop worrying so much.
LoverBoy and I worked some things out, talked about some stuff and everything is going to get better. We just need....well, I don't know but the thing is we Love each other too much to let each other go for nothing.
My classes are pretty awesome and I CAN make it from history to coms on time :) Booyah.
One of my profs seems....intense, but I think I can handle it. Plus, even though one of the courses I have with him kinda freaks me out, I have him for two others so I think it would be lame for me to drop it. And I think I can do it.
But things are getting better.
I'm having some trouble sleeping, but that gives me plenty of time to get my reading done :) I think I'm going to bail on one or two of my blogs though. Not this one, because it's really important to me. And not my "god" one because its even more important to me, but I think that I'm stretching myself pretty thin and I'm not giving enough attention to the other two. I'm going to think about it. But things are definitely getting better.
Oh and can anybody help me this: I need to write a poem. I know what I want to write, I have the phrases I want to use, I just don't know how I should do line breaks and structural things like that. So does anybody know anything about that sort of thing? I've never written a real poem before.
And I've decided I'm going to stop using page labels unless the post is a tutorial or something with a real topic.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

I was gonna say sorry for spending so much time talking about myself...but then I rememebered what I'm doing. Duh.

My tummy is in knots. I'm back. Now what do I do? I was ok when I got here, I cleaned my room, spent quite a while talking to B. about our breaks and now, I'm alone again. I think I'm going to throw up.
Wanna know my biggest anxiety so far?
Issues with LoverBoy.
Other than that?What if I can't get to my COMS class on time? I have to walk all the way across campus in ten minutes. -_-'

And you know what I really want right now? The only thing I want that will make me feel better and everything will just be ok? For him to be here, holding my hand.

Friday, January 6, 2012

I've got strep. I've also got tonsillitis. "LoverBoy", whatever, ditched me two nights in a row, then when we got sick I didn't see him yesterday, which is fine. Completely understandable. Today, he's all I'm too sick to drive so somebody's taking me to pick up the medicine (that I went to the doctor and got prescribed for him) and I'm going to bed. So I said "well do you need anything? I don't want you to be alone all day and I feel better so I can pick something up for you or come check on you" and of course not. Then all of a sudden, he's going to his sister's (which is stupid because he's contagious and she has a three year old daughter) and I'm thinking....? Last minute, though he drives over here cuz he cut his arm and wanted me to check it. But he can't drive. But he drove. I asked him the other day "When was the last time you missed me?" No answer. How nice. I'm so sick pof this. Maybe I just shouldn't make any time for him for a while. It's not like he wants to see me that often anyway so either he'll see that he's taking me for granted a bit or he'll be happier without me. I'm not talking about a break, I just mean ignoring the fuck out of him for a few days.
I know I'm being a negatron but holy crap, these last couple weeks, this year so far, it all sucks.

Monday, January 2, 2012

So LoverBoy has ditched me eight nights in a row. Sucks. And I really feel like crap this week anyway because the jerk biologicals were "run off" by me. I didn't get to spend New Years with him either and then because The Whore shows up, I have to leave. Well no, I don't like her and after what she did, I never will. But why on earth do you think it will make me feel better if you send me home so you can sit down and talk with her? This is not the way I wanted this year to start. I need something to change for me. Maybe I'll cut my hair. I already dyed it 50 shades darker.

I want to write children's faerie tales, photograph wild animals, wear pretty dresses, get married on the beach, have a red-headed daughter, be a missionary in the congo of the BaMbuti, serve God in BIG ways everyday, fix up a little home with a flower box on the windows, paint the world, laugh and be as random as possible, and Love BIG every second that I'm given.