Spoof news stories from Sunday 13 May 2012

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was left devastated today, after seeing his beloved Manchester United FC surrender their Championship title to noisy neighbours, Manchester City.
A bewildered Shuttlecock actually dared to believe that the reds might...

Channel 5 news introduced the stand-up news delivery to the television. This has been adopted by news agencies across the world, apart from the BBC who still sit down. Channel 4 news went half way, with the leaning on a table news presenter, whilst I...

CINCINNATI - It appears by all accounts that Washington Nationals rookie baseball player Bryce Harper is 19 going on 9.
The Nationals rookie after going 0 for 5 went into the team dugout and angrily slammed his bat against the dugout wall. The bat...

Local man Maurice Sheringham today slammed former Manchester City player Joey Barton for his sending off at the Etihad Stadium, where City beat QPR 3-2 to clinch the Premier League for the first time in 44 years.
Barton was sent off in the 54th mi...

London - A circular fungal formation of Phallus impudicus hybrids has materialised in the PM's garden following weeks of downpours on Drowning Street's necrotic zone turves.
The foul-smelling sticky mushroom is notorious in rooting from minute der...

The 'Human Pinball' game is thought to have originated on an internet forum, from where it went insanely viral, and is now catching on across the length and breadth of the UK.
The game itself involves 'players' behaving like pinballs as soon as th...

Dorking Library has finally announced details of its Summer Lectures schedule, accidentally timed to clash with the Olympic Games and a brand new series of Downton Abbey on the television.
24/05/12 - Secrets Of Successful Stand Up Comedy
French stand up comedy legend, Ricardo La Tete reveals how he took the Paris stand up scene by storm, and shares the secrets of his success with the good bu...

Rondo was cranky before the first game against the Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers. He had missed his pregame nap.
Rondo is always at his most mercurial when he misses nap-time at his crib. We are sure Rondo will tell you that playoff games are the a...

MIAMI - LeBron James of the Miami Heat has just won his third Most Valuable Player trophy. He was presented the trophy for averaging 27.1 points per game as well as for being one of the most unstoppable players in the NBA.
The 27-year-old who grew...

Monday 7th April 2012
* Went over to see Stewart, I remembered that it was bank holiday, so he would not be going to his centre that day, so assumed he'd be in. No point in going over before about ten o'clock, he likes his kip. No answer. Went for a little walk as the knees were stiff and painful. Called at Stew's again, no answer. His cat was meowing to be let in, so led her to me hovel, and fed...

CHICAGO--Local man Dan Welsh, 22, recently completed a night-long dream of his to drunkenly stumble all the way across town in the hopes of crashing on his best friend Jim's hand-me-down purple leather couch.
Mr. Welsh, a recent University of Illi...

Monday 7th May 2012
Topic: London Olympics - Terrorism
"Worker smuggles fake bomb past TWO checkpoints into the Olympic Park... just hours before stadium officially opens!"
Source: Mail Online
Extract: A site worker took the dummy device into the Stratford stadium after he noticed security flaws.
The fake Semtex device got through two checkpoints and was in full view of guards.
It was wired...

The usually sleepy Surrey town of Dorking has surprised the world by taking centre stage in the arena of international affairs.
Political and national security commentators have taken a sharp intake of breath, following the recent announcement tha...

The medical genius that recommends breast-feeding until a child reaches puberty, now suggests that kids should be allowed to poop in their pants until high school.
Gertrude Smith, M.D. says her firm's patented "Turd-O-Matic "training johns" play a...

MILWAUKEE - GOP presidential front runner Mitt Romney was in Milwaukee speaking at a meeting of The Hops and Malt Adders at the Old Milwaukee Brewery.
Romney told the crowd that when he is elected president he will see to it that more beer breweri...

HARFOLD, Vt. - According to sources close to presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney, the former Massachusetts governor took in with great interest the decision of Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin to renounce his U.S. citizenship in exchange fo...