I've tested a fair few gadgets in my time at Gizmag – from upmarket beanbags to high-powered motorcycles and smart pens. But I've never been asked to go this far outside my comfort zone for a story – even though our esteemed editorial team will probably tell you my whole life has been building to this moment.

Today, I'm road testing a masturbation device. And I've decided to put my name to it because I believe that for all the squeamish details you're about to read, this is a significant piece of technology – a big step down a path that I think a lot of people will come to take for granted in the future.

I feel like a pioneer, one of the first in the mainstream Web media to put my penis where my mouth is. Of course, the truth is if I could do that, I wouldn't need one of these things at all.

In essence, the Realtouch is a mechanical pleasure device that you stick your willy into, with a series of belts, rings, heaters and lubrication dispensers that can create a pretty broad range of sensations. What sets it apart is that it connects to your computer via USB, so it can be coded to synchronize with a porn video – or controlled by somebody else remotely.

So, be warned: grisly, NSFW descriptive content will follow.

Unboxing the Realtouch: the Fear, Part 1

When the RealTouch device first lands on my doorstep, I'm surprised by the size of the package. Suddenly realizing how my missus feels, I quickly unbox it and lay the contents out on the kitchen table.

It's at this point that the intimidation begins in earnest. It's been a loooong time since I put my Johnson in anything that's not flesh and blood and very nice to me, and as I lay out the industrial-looking power supply, the equally heavy duty USB "mini tower," kettle cords, lube and disinfectant bottles and the "performance sleeve," I feel a certain sense of dread at what I'm getting myself into here.

Two out of four total pages in the manual dedicated to making users fear for the safety of their "anatomically weak" penises

I flip briefly through the user manual and take little encouragement from the fact that there's no less than four pages of safety warnings. Here's a selection of my favorite bits:

"USER UNDERSTANDS THERE IS A RISK OF PERSONAL INJURY ASSOCIATED WITH THE USE OF THIS PRODUCT" (Capitals theirs, not mine).

"User understands the anatomical weaknesses of the male penis, and understands that the misuse of this device can result in serious personal injury." (Italics mine, not theirs).

"DO NOT UNSCREW OR DISASSEMBLE PRODUCT WHICH CAN LEAD TO AN ELECTRIC SHOCK HAZARD."

It goes on. It is quite a sobering read. I press forward, pondering anatomical weaknesses I'd never considered before.

The Realtouch device itself: the Fear, Part 2

The device itself is surprisingly heavy at around 1.6kg, or 3.8lbs. My wife may not be too impressed if she finds out I put it on the kitchen scales, so let's keep that between us, OK? It looks like a large, plastic marrow, or perhaps a mechwarrior's forearm – with a cable exiting the rear and a particularly utilitarian looking rubber slit in the front.

Removing the plastic cover reveals the Realtouch's workings: two soft, flexible, slightly grippy latex tank tracks sit next to each other, there's a pair of lube dispensing bridges over the top, and the outer shell houses two heating elements and a mechanism that's able to tighten and loosen the orifice just behind the rubber slit.

Assembling the pieces and plugging it in makes it clear that the Realtouch is a little way off being a truly portable device. Turning it on sends it into a two-minute "warm up" routine that looks awfully fast for something you're planning to stick your anatomically weak penis into.

I'll not go into depth on the software installation process beyond saying that it was a bit of a pain, and at one point I messaged my editor to declare the test null and void, before working it out. Expect to invest some time here; plug (and plug) and play, this is not. Not yet, at least.

The moment of reckoning – Realtouch encoded porn

With the wife and labrador looking on in amusement, I cue up my first Realtouch porn video, warm up the device and poke a finger in. It's warm, wet and ridgy. That's good enough for me. With a deep breath, I doff my strides and settle the device down onto my curious manhood. Nothing's moving yet but it still feels pretty damn nice. I look gravely to the missus. She bursts out laughing. I hit play.

The first thing I notice is how much attention to detail the developers have put in when it comes to Realtouch-coding the videos. Actually, that's the second thing I notice, the first being "HNNNNGGGGGGHHH."

Every up and down stroke of the porn starlet's hand is replicated in real time. When she licks along the bottom of her co-star's shaft, only the bottom belt in the Realtouch device moves – and it damn well moves in the right direction. When she chokes on him, you can feel it as she gags.

Without putting too fine a point on it, each of the actresses' entryways feel different too - the vagina being significantly warmer and wetter than the mouth, and the rear end somewhat tighter and with a strange stuttering feel I'm not sure I like.

The overall effect, however, is nothing short of eye-popping. It's an astounding multimedia pleasure cascade over which you have very little control – sure, you can dial up and down the "intensity" and add a shot of lube through a little on-screen interface if you like, but at the end of the day, you're at the mercy of the porn stars on screen.

By this stage, the wife has become bored despite a range of facial expressions I'm not sure I've ever made before, and left the room. It strikes me, as I look down at the Realtouch device nuzzling my crotch like a baby goat sucking on a bottle, that I'm now effectively masturbating professionally.

This pleasant thought doesn't last long – no thought does when you're being mauled by a very exuberant porn star. And the ultra-faithful coding makes one thing abundantly clear – male pornstars' penises do not receive gentle treatment from their female colleagues. There is nothing remotely romantic going on in the scene I've chosen – in fact it's a full throttle sensory onslaught that's almost a little scary.

And as such, it's over within 10 minutes – and there I am, sitting in front of my laptop, red-faced and with veins popping out of my temples. I'm out of breath and I've worked up a sweat, and yet I've barely moved for the last quarter of an hour. Without question, I'm prepared to nominate this as the best wank I've ever had – and as a child of the Internet age, that's a big pile to sit on top of.

The aftermath

How could I ever have been afraid of this thing? As I clean it (basically by rinsing it out and spraying some antiseptic about) I ponder the significance of my first experience of porn in the 4th dimension. I also ponder when I can do it again, and whether I can really be bothered ever doing anything else from now on.

It also occurs to me that as amazing an experience as it is, it might be even better, in a purely physical sense, if I was given full control over it – maybe even just a series of different patterns like most girls' vibrators have. I bring the idea up with RealTouch Director of Sales, Scott Rinaldo, and he tells me that a plan to open-source the development of third party apps is already up and running.

"We've released a CDK, a content development kit so that users of the device can get a bit fancy and create their own content," Rinaldo tells me over Skype.

"We've also released our SDK, our software development kit for the Realtouch device – we've opened it up for people to develop any kind of application to make Realtouch move.

"Right now, with the open source, we've already got people out there developing apps. A lot of these guys are keeping the apps to themselves because they do exactly what you're talking about – they move the device without the video, without a woman. Naturally these are ways that people can kind of beat the system and not pay for it – but we're OK with that.

"Next year, we may sell an app on our site, call it the self control app, and maybe you just move your mouse to make it go slow and fast … We don't wanna launch our app library with one or two apps. We're hoping for 5 or 10 third party apps – and one of them will definitely be the ability to control it yourself."

The Human Touch

We also talk about
Realtouch Interactive – a relatively new service the company has put together that introduces a human contact element to the Realtouch device.

Specifically, the company has developed a real-time control device called the Joystick that cam girls can use to have virtual sex with Realtouch users in live chat sessions.

It adds a whole extra layer of touch-sensitive haptics technology to the system, and opens up some very interesting options for a couples-focused product in the near future. Your correspondent is currently waiting on a trial of the system and will report back once the deed is done.

[Ed's note: intrepid readers who made it this far may be interested to learn that Part 2 of Loz's odyssey is now complete. Find out why remote sex is no longer a thing of the future in his Realtouch Interactive review.]

In the meanwhile, I've become rather fond of my own Realtouch device (strangely, neither the Gizmag team nor the Realtouch guys seem to want it back). I've given her a name, Sweet Jean, and I've made a few customizations to give our interactions a slightly more personal touch.

The experience has also moved me to song. So with your permission, I'll end part one of this test with a slightly NSFW ballad that you may enjoy as a parting gift.

Loz has been one of Gizmag's most versatile contributors since 2007. Joining the team as a motorcycle specialist, he has since covered everything from medical and military technology to aeronautics, music gear and historical artefacts. Since 2010 he's branched out into photography, video and audio production, and he remains the only Gizmag contributor willing to put his name to a sex toy review. A singer by night, he's often on the road with his a cappella band Suade.

Bravely going where no Johnson has gone before. Well done sir...you brave sonofabitch!

Angus MacKenzie

ok, this is one of the best written, funniest articles i have ever read.

Rowan Brown

Great article, although I'm glad no one in the office came to see what I was laughing at.

App wise, a skype link up could be a good idea. I've been in a relationship where my better half has been away travelling and anything that could have kept some level of sexual interaction between us would have been greatly appreciated. Even if it did involve something that looked as sexually appealing as an epilator!

secondclassmale

This has to be the funniest story ever!!!

Aniruddha

Gizmag investigative journalism just went to a whole new level.

Russ Pinney

PMSL & can't wait to show Jadey this review Lozzo!!
Thinking this could be great for FIFO workers if/when they bring out a his/hers set that could be linked over the internet...

AzzandJadey Barnes

Couldn't find a link in the article for the website for further info (or where to purchase). Try this for anyone that wants it:
http://www.realtouch.com?refid=AEBN-065075&salesToolId=33
Looks like they even have the interactive joystick bit working now with live girls available at the other end!

ClubDoug

Is it phthalate-free? Is the lube paraben-free? Are there artificial-preservatives in it? Is it platinum grade silicone? Is is made our of some other 'plastic' that is leeching estrogenic compounds into the users bloodstream? Did you consider or inquire into any of these things before putting your health and well-being into this device using lube and cleaners that their website divulge no information about?

P.S. I am not against sex toys. How else would I know the right questions to ask?

Tom Arr

I'll bet it'll send for a LOT less on the used market...

Maryland, USA

This has been coming out (excuse the pun) and can be adapted to any situation in the privacy of your own home. For example, any actress, actor, dead spouse, etc. You can now satisfy any fantasy in the privacy of your own home without injuring anyone. Obviously, this will have to change current laws on porn, internet porn, etc. Maybe this will cut down on crimes against women, and children. When I was at Carnegie Mellon we were working perfecting 3d driving of vehicle (now drones). I think is great...

Allen Miller

Yeah, I tried it when it first came out (heh...so many joke possibilities). A robot pleasure device, what gadget lover could possibly not be tempted?

Well, everything was OK with the relationship in the beginning. Then a Vista CODEC problem creeped up that rendered the DRM enabled pleasure device inoperable. Yes, your dick is being massaged by a DRM enabled robot. There is something so incredibly wrong about that which has nothing to do with screwing a sex robot. If your laptop cannot talk to the web or you have windows media player problems (ONLY works on WMP) you are SOL.

Well, anyway...as time went on the device became drier and drier as the lube dispenser started to malfunction. I felt that initial thrill of our relationship had worn off and the device was getting headaches. Let me tell you, what started out as an incredible rush quickly turned into a devious torture device without the magical lube dispenser working.

All in all, I'm not going back to that particular sex robot. I'll wait for the full body version from Japan (I know it's just a matter of time). Also, DUMP the freakin DRM. Seriously.

FrankenPC

Leap or Kinect... Just sayin'..... Or maybe the Wii (as REALLY in "Wheeeeeee!")

KMH

Normally I develop ideas I don't just pronounce them in comments. ..but Ill pass on this one. Why not tie control directly to a sensor enabled dildo. That way the webcam actress can do what she does, and the devices would communicate that. ..In fact you could likely sensor enable a condom for the same purposes. ;)

mystixa

Hilarious! Looks like the Realtouch captured your "OH!" face and pasted it in as your "About the Author" photo. Hopefully a bug.

turdferguson

Absolutely great review ... one of the best written treatises on any topic ever.

Gary Joyce

LMAO,I can see the headlines now "Wife sues sextoy maker over husbands loss of interest in her.Says she keeps catching him whispering into the toy and it now has its own cellphone with a unlisted
number.Toy has its own fur lined bank deposit box and credit card.
Once this thing hits the market the jokes and lawsuits will be hilarious
for everybody.

Flasheroo

Dude, I hate to break this to you, but how do you really "know" your device was a female? For all you know, you just had your first homosexual experience, resulting in, umm, an article. Jus' saying!

Either way, I'm pissing my pants! Does your mother read your column?

ibernard

Mrs. pickypilot asks:

"Where's mine"? I assure her that they're working on it.

Between us guys. I'll never, ever tell her, even if they do make one.

pickypilot

When are they going to come up with a full size inflatable doll since they have already sorted out the trickiest part? Not just software apps but fully functional hardware apps in all shapes and forms...

Davinciano

RE "DO NOT UNSCREW OR DISASSEMBLE PRODUCT WHICH CAN LEAD TO AN ELECTRIC SHOCK HAZARD."
Like so many things one screws, then, it can't be unscrewed.

David Franks

Good review, funny.

Arahant

"I also ponder when I can do it again, and whether I can really be bothered ever doing anything else from now on."
Hahahaha!

This dude is hilarious, and the song put the icing on the cake. I was literally laughing out loud in the office. XD

Jay Lloyd

I'm impressed with your fortitude.

$200 for the hardware and undisclosed pricing for the media, which it is useless without, assures this is a rich mans toy. To register and find anything out you must first agree to an unknown purchase. Right. They need a new marketing manager.

DonGateley

ROTFLMHO!!! Thanks for taking one for the team.

You can always just use your left hand and it feels like someone else is doing it ;^P

Great writing too but don't be surprised that women are not thrilled with this. Though for others it could be relief.

Notice the wife left.

jerryd

I wasn't sure at first if I wanted to read this one, but my curiosity got the better of me and I relented. It is kind of funny, in a deranged sort of way. The song is a hoot though, it gave me a few chuckles.
As to porn laws, since when does federal legislation actually have any jurisdiction outside of the federal zone?? There are MANY court cases that prove they do not. U.S. v. Robert C. Braun is one of the latest ones.

I noticed a few questions in the comments I’ll try to respond to.
RealTouch is available from RealTouch.com

Secondclassmale: Skype isn’t necessary as we have our own video chat client on RealTouchInteractive.com. Skype cannot synchronize a separate data track with audio and video, which we feel is mandatory for the experience we are providing. Any product that uses Skype to move a device is not doing it in synchrony with the actions (video/audio) seen on screen.

Tom Arr: Yes it is phthalate free, the belts are medical grade TPE, a material with properties superior to silicone in this application. The lube provided with the device is also paraben free. There is no latex in the device.

FrankenPC: The RealTouch hasn’t had any type of DRM for almost a year. RealTouch uses either WMP or a Silverlight player. You do not need to be connected to the internet to play any of the local content available on disc. RealTouch Interactive uses a custom player designed exclusively for our interactive dates.

Mystixa: That’s precisely what we did with the RealTouch Interactive Joystick. You see and feel the cam performer using the joystick as if you were right there with her.

RealTouch Product Manager.

RealTouchPM

Excellent article but what was missing was an image showing the penis and device interfacing.

You took investigative journalism just went to a new climax. :-P

Paul van Dinther

Well done that man!
Excellent review, very brave of you... of course they gave it to Loz.
I hope you asked them to send you their largest version ;)

Craig Jennings

I loved the combination of the story with the song at the end. Had a "which came first" moment.

Teresa Sopher

Is there a gay version? Wonder what THAT will look like.

Sean Stout

Great piece ;P I'm wondering if is 3.0 compliant...

equator180

Looking forward to reading "Realtouch vs Fleshlight vs hand vs watermelon with a hole in it vs a piece of liver"

nutcase

the boss asked what I was laughing at - I had to be honest.

Tom Howell

Loz, I can't remember! Is the current avatar image of you before or after your encounter with Sweet Jean?

Mike Lucey

One step closer to the "Orgasmotron" featured in Woody Allen's 1973 "sci-fi" movie "Sleeper"! The future is finally upon us!

moreover

Wait... you mean this was only Part 1? [sigh]

Oy. It's hard (no pu.. oh, alright... pun intended) to imagine what's left for the author to say about it. Nor am I certain that I want to know. Yikes.

I do applaud his wife, though, for her open-mindedness.

The dog, too, come to think about it. Of course, we know, from CBS TV's Two-and-a-half Men's "Alan Harper" character, and what he, the dog of his childhood, and some peanut butter once did tells us about a dog's discernment when it comes to human sexuality.

Well now I know I'm not so crazy after all!
For the last 20 years I built the ultimate toy for the lady's, it replaces the need of man. It emulate man 100% and better, is small runs quietly and fits under her pillow. I call it "Mr Incredible" I'm not kidding, it can outperform any and all man, I can't say anymore than that. I'll keep you all posted when I'm in production.

Giovanni

Very sad. They say the Kango hammer is a better buy. Imagine been asked by your boss to write on this. I watch him with three eyes in future.

Gerard58

What no video of the joy stick model ?

Jay Finke

You get into the habit of using the thing while surfing the net. Every porn site has its own variations! Then one day you click the wrong picture, and a nasty virus travels down that cord. Uh-oh. I hope you remembered to take out the S&M attachments last time!

ralph.dratman

Gives a whole new meaning, or at least pronunciation, to the site name, "gizmag"

Mark Robinson

Just wait until the Oculus Rift version. (I'm sure one is in development ;D )

Onihikage

Well, it's certainly not something I would have expected to see on this site. But I do have a few observations to make. First, I applaud your courage in doing this. This isn't a porn site, you are a serious writer, and this all could easily have gone to hell, as you well know and knew when you signed on to this assignment. Yet somehow you have managed to turn something that could have been nauseating at best into a serious, informative, and somewhat amusing piece of art. Yes, "art". I have never before seen this sort of treatment for a device like this. It's not that I hope to see more along these lines on this site - it will take me a while to even recover from this one, to be honest. But you have shown your professionalism, wit, courage, and ability in a striking way. Thanks very much for one of the most informative articles I have read all day about something I really care little about and don't plan to invest money in (That is true of most of what I read today - I am not paying for any atom-smashers, either). The fact that you so tastefully handled this device and the way you handled it show that they surely got the right guy for the job and I thought you deserved a pat on the back. Thank you. Hope the missus comes back.

Dubiaku

Bravo, sir! Now some little git is going to feel compelled to write a virus for it, turning it into a mincer or something. Or it'll just get sulky, won't deliver properly (or at all) demand upgrades that do nothing and generally go from being a fun toy to a drag more trouble than the job's worth. Sound familiar, lads?