Friday

A Weighty Issue...

Received Friday, November 5, 2010 I have a sensitive subject to discuss. We hired a nanny from the midwest about ten months ago. As a nanny, she scores a solid ten. She is everything we wanted in a nanny. She has met a few friends out here and on her time off they go in to the city, see movies or go out to dinner. So, this is not a question of her being lonely. She is only 21 and has never had a boyfriend and says she is not looking. When I talk to her after the weekend, she seems genuinely excited about what she has done that weekend. The problem, and it isn't a problem for me, per say, but she has gained a whole lot of weight. I cannot even estimate, but I would guess at least sixty pounds in ten months. She hasn't been home since she came here and I know she is excited to go home for the holidays. She hasn't mentioned the weight at all. I honestly feel like her parents are going to think we mistreat her or don't allow her time to eat properly or cause her some other stress that has caused this weight gain. I was thinking of telling her we were getting her a gym membership for Christmas, but thought she would like it now so she could use it before she goes home and at the same time give her a gift certificate to our Simon Mall. Again, weight has never come up; but she can't be happy with this. Any suggestions?

Unless she has said something about wanting a gym membership, or wanting to loose weight, then getting her one would just be mean. If my family got me a gym membership, I'd be very hurt. If her weight isn't affecting her ability to do her job, then it's none of your buisness.

Do you have a gym membership? If you do perhaps you could add her onto yours. Maybe you could say it's time for usto renew our membership and were wonderingIf you might be interested in us adding you on.

That would be completely insulting, a gym membership as a gift is a passive aggressive way of saying you need to lose weight. If she has no problems with her weight neither should you. Don't start putting thoughts inside this girls head about how you think she should look. Society doesn't need anymore women with body isssues.

Did you ever consider she might not want a boyfriend because 1. She might have one back home or hasn't found someone she like.2. She's a lesbian3.maybe she has one and doesn't want to mix her personal life with work.

My BParents have recently joined a new gym and said they could get me added to the family membership if I wanted since, 'I'm part of the family'. I didn't take it personally or anything, I thought it was nice. Maybe if you introduce the subject that way, you'll avoid hurting feelings.

You never know why someone could be gaining weight. It could be a medical reason, like starting a new anti-depressive or birth control pill. Things happen like this. I definitely would NOT mention it, because while it seems that you do care about her, it might not come off this way. no one likes to hear they are gaining weight, especially from their employer.

I agree with wren about offering to add her to your gym plan. Don't say anything about it. Also, what sorts of foods are you keeping in the house? Maybe you could eliminate junk food and snacky things. That would be good for everyone.

She is an adult. You cannot make her lose weight. If you give her the gym membership she'll know you noticed and want her to lose in and it will hurt her feelings. I'm willing to bet your 10 nanny then goes down to an 8 or lower.

I guarantee she is already extremely self conscious about her weight. She's noticed, but she needs to decide to change it. There is NOTHING you can do to make her make this decision. When she is ready, she'll make the change and take care of it. Are you thin/average? If so, there's a good chance she'll never talk to you about it because she'll feel uncomfortable.

Leave her alone. If she asks, then give advice, otherwise leave her personal life alone.

forgot to add that I have worked for many families where the mom was under weight,I think a lot of women think if they are thin they are automatically going to be happy and it will solve all their problems. thin, yt women do not age well, they hit 24 then age in dog years! overzealous lifetime dieting ages you.

OP, as long as your children are being well cared for, then weight should not be an issue. You sound like you are more than happy with your nanny's performance, so just be happy with what you have and mind your own business regarding her appearance. I would nix the idea of a gym membership. No matter how you bring it up, whether you are renewing your own or are offering it as an X-mas present, she will justifiably be offended as I am sure she is well aware of her weight gain. Also, I hope your children do not hear you and your hubby discussing the nanny's weight. They may (gasp!!) accidentally tell the nanny what they overheard or worse, they may develop their own body image issues later on in life.

Becoming a full-time nanny is hard! (When you haven't done it before) For me I was lonely and at home all day with food, the combination formed a 70 pound situation in about 1.5years. NOT HEALTHY! It's hard being in a house full of food all the time, at least for me, especially when I know I have unrestricted access...

Since that horrible 70 pound weight gain (3 yrs later) I am now doing something about my lonely issue and my overeating issue and working it off. But the thing is - if your nanny doesn't have the desire to lose the weight she isn't going to regardless if you get her a gym membership.

I agree that you should approach this as though you have an opportunity to add her on or something similar. I'm always self-conscious of what my family thinks of my weight and would be hurt if they got me a gym membership, it's like telling her she's fat and you don't accept the way she looks. Even if that's not the message you intend to give. When is your 1 year review? Maybe at that time you can talk about benefits and offer this as a benefit of the job and let her choose it?

Monkeyshines I disagree with looking older when ur thin. I'm 5'5 and 102lbs and at 24 I look 17. I don't have bad eating habits and no body issues I'm just petite as is all the women in my family. My aunts are 40 and look like they are 30 and even after having kids they barely weigh more then me.Sometimes it's just genetic and has nothing to do with how you eat.

This is a big assumption to make. Perhaps she is very happy with the way she looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you think that a large woman cannot be happy with herself and beautiful, I feel sorry for you.

Regarding the gym membership: if she is such a wonderful employee, your Christmas present to her should be one you know she will enjoy, not one that will make her into what you feel she should be/look like.

From your post, I can see that you are more concerned with her appearance than you are with her health. And that is very shallow indeed.

Gotta agree with the last few comments, if she's a perfect 10 as a nanny, what do you care? And the statement that her family is going to think you mistreat her because she's gained weight sounds like it's all about your issues, not hers (or theirs). Butt out of this one.

And also agree with JMTCJN that I hope your kids don't hear you talking about this - not only because of it potentially getting back to her but also because because of its potential effects on their own sense of body size and self worth.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that of course you don't equate one's value and inherent worth with their body size, right? right?

Its hard..when I started my first nanny job, I gained 60 pounds..it was just the freedom of being able to eat all of my meals out, too many frapucchinos, etc..then I lost 90..my former employer would try and talk to me about losing weight-it would hurt my feelings, honestly. If she ever mentions that she wants to lose weight, offer support but otherwise its a sensitive subject..tread carefully

give it a few years, you will see! I work for a plastic surgeon, when you are thin you dont have the padding a heavier woman has, this keeps your face young looking.99% of the women who come in are white often from northern european decent and at 40 they are getting face lifts when you get old you loose facial fat and get a suken look if you are already thin you dont have anything to fall back on, the neck usually goes first!

I am overweight and I am working on it (ww) but it is a very slow process, my bosses also own a few gyms in the area and never once have the offered me a free membership and I'm glad they haven't because I would be horribly offended and miserable worrying that they are monitoring everything I eat....and I would be looking for another job.

Monkey Shines..I have read what you are saying in beauty magazines and such. The rule is that after 40 the thinner you are, the older you will look. I read that a few months ago..and am still trying to decide if it is true or not. I do notice that older woman who are thin do have that sullen look sometimes where their bones look sunken in. But I also notice that some other older woman lost weight and look like they lost 10 years as well. It all depends on the person. I do not think you can use a "one rule fits all" to this. Kirsty Alley is almost 60 and when she is slimmer, she looks much younger as opposed to older. Go figure.

Big thing about keeping young looking is to stay out of the sun. That is what a lot of people fail to miss. Especially the younger girls. i myself have never been able to go into the sun. And if i had the ability I probably wouldn't. I am incredibly vain. But as vain as i am I have never thought anyone should have to lose weight to look better. It shouldn't matter. Unless there are significant health issues then it is a very sensetive subject. OP you should respect that.

If her job performance is not affected by her weight, you should let the issue go. And please do notgive her a gym membership - this is likely to create more harm than good.This being said, I have been in your situation (although with a much moderate weight gain), and I think it is normal to want your nanny to be happy and healthy, and that somehow a sudden weight gain does not fit well with this picture. But other than being generally supportive of your nanny, there is really very little you can do.

There is no tactful way you can give her a gym membership. If she has gained 60 pounds in ten months, she is certainly aware of it. There is absolutely no way you can bring up a gym membership without hurting her feelings. Only if she mentions wanting to work out should you offer this.

OP- I think you are getting unnecessarily harsh criticism here. You sound like you are genuinely concerned about your nanny. Some people can be overweight and be perfectly happy and perfectly healthy, but gaining 60 lbs in less than a year is rarely healthy. It could be a health condition, or it could be more of a "Freshman 15" thing if she is away from her family/making her own food choices for the first time. As long as she doesn't seem depressed, I would leave it alone. I'm sure her family will say something about it when she's home, and she will take it better from them than from her employer.

Wow, I have never left a comment here before but can't believe how incredibly jerky some of you sound. You are all over this OP! He /she sounds honestly worried about their nanny and feel a responsibility to make sure she is as happy as it is in their power to make her while she is far away from home. Maybe some of you have weight problems yourselves and are a little sensitive? And yes, I am about 20 pounds overweight.

OP I agree with the other posters, maybe there is another way to start changing things in the house so that it doesn't come off like she is the only one who has put on extra weight. Maybe say you want to take a walk and invite her, or maybe suggest that you want to start cooking healthier meals for the family and ask her advice on that. There are other ways to go about it then to out right get her a gym membership. I'm sorry but we can all learn how to eat better and exercise more so that we are healthier in the long run.

And regardless of if she is ok putting on this extra weight we all know that by adding extra pounds we do harm to our bodies and that catches up to us some how, either in work performance, health issues, sleep issues etc.

"Maybe say you want to take a walk and invite her, or maybe suggest that you want to start cooking healthier meals for the family and ask her advice on that."

Not a good idea. She'll know it's just because you know she's gained weight. Just don't say anything. Her weight is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. As a woman who had and still has disordered eating patterns, I can safely say that no good EVER comes from other people pointing out your weight, no matter how well-meaning. And hearing it from your BOSS would be 100x worse! It's a personal matter and not acceptable to comment on unless SHE brings it up. Period.

Her weight should not be of concern to anyone but her, certainly not her employer. If her family is appalled, that's her/their business.

This sounds like the freshman fifteen, to a factor of four. Sometimes people who are raised in homes without any junk food at all, leave home and go to the other extreme. They are making up for a lifetime, so far, without any of the goodies, and they never learned to eat certain foods in moderation.

She'll figure it out, eventually, or get her fill of the long forbidden foods, and change her eating habits on her own.

OP unless your contract specifies that she is not to gain a certain amount of weight..then she can do as she pleases. Really. Plain and Simple. Is there another issue here? Are you concerned that perhaps her weight will interfere w/her ability to care for your children? If that is the case, then be honest and tell us so.As for aging, I notice that African Americans, Indians and Asians age the best. Also, on a personal level, I have never sunbathed or smoked a cig in my whole life and I am a beautiful 41 yr old. It shames me to see others my age who look like hell because they chose to sunbathe and smoke in their younger years. I go on Facebook and sympathize with the cool and popular girls I used to be so jealous of in High School. Many of them do not look that great now. So young girls..take heed and stay out of the sun and away from cigarettes and you will look fine in your older years.

What the heck, *fake* Rocket Scientist?? Get your own moniker! I bet you're the same person who tried to steal Bostonnanny's name a while back. What, do you have nothing better to do than post ridiculous opinions under false pretenses?

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MY opinion is this:I do not think you should say anything, OP. Weight is a very sensitive topic to most women. I infer from your post that you are thin, or at least average. My mother is a small woman, but I take after my dad's side of the family. I am 5.5 inches taller than my mom, even a bit taller than my older brother. I also have struggled with weight issues, for various reasons, including some genetic. Any time my mom says anything about it, I just feel worse. (When she complains about losing "those pesky two pounds" to make her size 6 or 8 pants fit just right, it makes it worse again, even though she has no intention of that outcome, nor any inclination that is how I feel.) Obviously she loves me and is trying to help (and maybe a little oblivious in some ways). But to someone who struggles with weight, hearing about it from someone who does not share that struggle is just never helpful. And that is how I feel about it coming from my mother...I can't imagine my boss hinting at it. Please don't say anything to her. Don't get her a gym membership. If she wants one/is ready for one, she will get it.

Wow, ok now you guys know a lot of my personal stuff. But it's worth it if it helps. :)

OP-I don't think your rude for caring. It's not healthy for her to be overweight, and she will face a lot of guff when she visits her family.

I do think the isolation factor and being around food all day is a huge factor. Without stepping on her toes, maybe start suggesting outings. If she's not a part of a play group, suggest that. Suggest fall walks, walks at the mall, anything to get her out of the house. I know when I have things to look forward to during my work day, I'm less likely to think about food.

Sorry, Rocket Scientist, I just thought up that name on my own and didn't realize everyone on here has their own personal moniker. And no I have never stolen another moniker before. Okay, I will not use Rocket Scientist anymore.

I don't think the OP's post was insensitive at all. I read a post from a caring person who is seeing an unhealthy trend in someone she cares about, who does a wonderful job caring for her children. She was seeking advice on how to sensitively approach the problem, not get ripped apart for her concern.

Having struggled with my weight all my adult life, I know that gaining 60 lbs in one year is NOT healthy. It's also impossible to ignore.

I like the idea of adding her to your existing gym account(if you have one). It could certainly be framed as either a year-end gift or an added benefit. Of course, it's completely up to the nanny as to whether she chooses to take advantage of the membership. If she doesn't, then the OP should just let it go. End of story.

Thanks, MPP! On a side note, I wrote a response and posted it three times, but it disappears each time, after the top of the page says it's been added. What's going on? Is it just my computer or something?

Second Fake Rocket Scientist: Those of us who read and comment regularly on this site DO care. It is rude. We have regular discussions on issues related to our careers and families. When you post your own opinions under a regular's moniker, all the other regulars will assume that you are said regular poster, as we all have no other means of identification on this site. I'm coining a phrase for it: ISYN Identity Theft.

First Fake Rocket Scientist: If you really didn't know that there are regulars here, this must be your first time on ISYN. Also, why would you pick Rocket Scientist out of thin air? Are you an actual rocket scientist? I originally chose this moniker in response to another commenter. Sorry, your story sounds a little fishy to me, but whatever. Also, the opinions you expressed while ranking races on how they age are ridiculous. Why would you stereotype people like that? Besides, it is all relative. I lived in Asia for a while, and my friends there told me that they have trouble determining Caucasians' ages. It also does not sound like you "sympathize" with your former classmates. It sounds like you are judging them.

* I went ahead and posted it for you. I tried doing it with your Moniker and it wouldn't go through. Not sure what's going on.

When posting with a name/URL. It is necessary to hit PUBLISH YOUR COMMENT twice. Not twice in a row. Once, and then wait (when it doesn't post) and then the second time and it will post. And no, it shouldn't work like that!

Rocket Scientist, you are a litttttttlle touchy about "your" moniker. You just coined that name for yourself a few weeks ago. I remember. It's not as if you have been posting under this moniker for years. Chill. Life is too short.

Obviously I am not crying in my bed about this. It was late at night. I found it annoying. Bostonnanny made a similar comment when her name was used by someone else. I still think whoever copied my moniker also copied Boston's...just my opinion based on the similarities...and I think it's rude. I was expressing myself. And the person who used it the second time was just obnoxious, so I explained my point of view further.

I think my other posts make it clear that I am in a perfectly fine mood.

I think so many people are being harsh on OP- it seems like she cares about her nanny and wants to help. I am also a nanny who moved to a different part of the country, and although I left the state for college, leaving to nanny was really the first time I left home for a long time. If I gained an extreme amount of weight I know my mom would be very concerned and although I am an adult making my own decisions, she would probably encourage me to return home and get myself back on track. I get along very well with my boss and I known she cares about me and my own best interests, not just her children's interests. If she came to me and had an honest conversation about something she was concerned about and wanted to help me with I would not be upset with her. Depending on the relationship you have with the nanny OP, I think you can tell her you think she is wonderful and you value her very much, but you have noticed she has had a significant weight gain and although this does not diminish what you think or feel about her and it does not matter to you what size she is, you are concerned and would like to offer your help and support and would like to give her a gym membership if she is interested and also help come up with a plan for healthier eating for everyone.

Geez VAnanny, now who needs to chill? (Doesn't sound very nice when it's directed at you, does it?) I guess I should be more direct. I think both of the "fake Rocket Scientists" are trolling around, trying to incite trouble. I guess I played into it, but I was tired and unable to get to sleep in the middle of the night, so forgive me for that please. Maybe I should have just said, "Hey guys, that wasn't me." But then, that's not how I'm feeling when I'm up till 4am for no good reason. And it's not very entertaining.

VAnanny,On occasion someone uses a moniker that a Reader already has (one time, a person used the name "Mom"... a very common moniker, but we all know that was being used by someone else that had been around the Blog for a long time - and I am missing the hell out of her right now!) So if your moniker is being used, all you can do is just ask nicely for them to pick a new one so there is no confusion.

I haven't read anyone else's responses yet, so I'm only going to respond to the OP. It is none of your business! It is very insulting to give someone a gym membership as a gift if they haven't mentioned they want one.

Will have to catch up on all the comments but I'll say this: She probably isn't happy about her weight gain but there is practically no way at all that you could approach it without making her MORE unhappy.

My only suggestion would be to say "Hubby and I are thinking of getting each other gym memberships for Christmas since we've decided we really ought to exercise more, and we 'd be happy to get you one also if it's something you thought you would be interested in". If she says she'll think about it and let you know, give it a week and casually ask her what she decided and if she seems uncomfortable at the suggestion, leave it alone.

I think that the OP is concerned about her welfare. and yes I agree with everyone else, a membership will only work if she wants it to.

her situation sounds a lot like mine, although I lost 35 pounds because I was came from a desk job and was so busy running after the kids! if it were possible, I'd like to email her, if it wouldn't be weird.

I apologize again to the original Rocket Scientist for taking the moniker..I honestly did not know it was taken. The reason I chose that name was because whenever I give advice to my family, friends and classmates..they always say to me, "Wow..you should be a Rocket Scientist!" since they say I give such good advice! LOL.Anyways Mary Poppin Pills, I didn't mean to stereotype certain races. It was just my opinion in general that these were the races that I personally thought aged well. Someone also stated that they thought dark-skinned people aged well..why didn't you comment on this post?Anyways, I love LOVE this new website. It was referred to me by Craigslist in San Diego where I live. Someone posted a link to it as a way for nannies to get support from their own peers since not all of us nannies can find this type of support within our own peers. It amazes me how us nannies all go through such similar situations and it makes me feel much better to know I am not the only one that has family issues and/or payment issues. (Read the archives!)Keep up the great work. There is no other website like this!!

Mad Scientist, it was actually the original rocket scientist that attacked your comment on certain races aging, MPP just posted on behalf of RS since it did not go through.

I agree with you, I've always noticed that African American's and Asians age well. I found a blog where someone asked the question "Why do Asians age well" Asians were answering and no one gave a definite answer, but they all agreed that it may be because they eat a lot of fish. I don't see how saying a group of people age well is insulting, at least it's a stereotype. It may even be a fact, I'm sure someone has done a study on this.

Psyber chica..thank you. I think the reason that my friends call me a Rocket Scientist is because they derive it from the saying, "You don't have to be a Rocket Scientist to know ...." know what I mean? I honestly did not know I was stealing someone else's name..I would NEVER steal a moniker from anyone else. I can't believe the other Rocket Scientist then said I stole another moniker because my posts were obnoxious. I try to speak my mind diplomatically at all times and know there will always be someone who disagrees with my opinion on here. I think the difference of opinion is great. It shows that the issue at hand is being looked at from all different angles as it should since these issues do involve young children. :)Now if I had used the Marypoppin'pills moniker..I would understand it if someone accused me of stealing it as this one is very unique and not as generic as Rocket Scientist.As for the comment that by me saying some races age better is than others was just my opinion..and in voicing our opinions it is only natural for us to stereotype. I do not think it is a mean stereotype such as "All Jews are cheap" or "All illegal immigrants are criminals." These types of stereotypes are mean-spirited and hurtful and I would never say such things. But to say that I (personally) think that Asians + Blacks age well is not mean-spirited at all. It is just something that I have noticed and do not think I should be criticized for it. I NEVER stated that Caucasians do not age well.

Wow, I think some of these comments were pretty harsh on the OP! I'm assuming the OP + her nanny have a pretty decent relationship, as it is obvious that the OP respects + appreciates the job her nanny is doing + also is concerned for her happiness. I see her concern more as like what an older sister would think if she saw her little sister with the same weight issue + wanted to help but not to injure feelings. I think a gym membership is a great idea- if you think she'd actually use it. Two of my nanny jobs automatically came with gym memberships, due to family club memberships the parents had. If you have a gym membership, add her on + let her know it's available...in fact, invite her to come with you, because sometimes it's intimidating to go by yourself at first, especially if you're young + have never worked out before. Currently at my work, we have a "gym area" set up in the basement + I work out with the mom in the evening once the baby is asleep. Perhaps something like that would work? Just handle it with sensativity + tact :)

I'm glad to see that you are not trolling. I really think it was the fact that I was dealing with insomnia when I saw your original post that made me jump to conclusions. Sorry if I offended you! I look forward to hearing your perspective on various topics. :)

I am a little confused...why does JMTCJN sound like Mad/New Rocket Scientist? I didn't sleep well last night either, so maybe I'm just not understanding? (Anyone have tips for insomnia? I've never had it this badly before...)

On a side note, I love having the blogger account! It's much more convenient for reading ISYN and my other favorite blogs :)

I know I'm a little late on this discussion but here's what I would do. If you have a gym membership I would talk about a new class/machine whatever that you are really excited about at the gym with your nanny. If she shows interest in the conversation then say hey I bet we could add you to our membership if you'd like? It will seem totally natural and non weight related!

I am one of the ones being harsh and I'm about to be harsh again, because there are people who are saying it might be okay and I need to get across the point that, once again, IT IS NEVER OKAY TO COMMENT ON SOMEONE ELSE'S WEIGHT, OR TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF TO "FIX" IT. I don't care that she "might" be okay with or even happy about getting a gym membership. You don't know how she'd react or if it's something she wants, so DON'T DO IT. THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT GAVE ME DISORDERED EATING PATTERNS. DON'T DO IT.

Those of you who think it's okay, try having an eating disorder caused by the people around you inferring that there is something wrong with what you look like. Then change your minds. IT IS NOT OKAY. Let people do what they want with their own bodies. And hell, maybe even be happy for her that she is still upbeat and a good person even though she isn't conforming as much to societal ideals as she used to.

Anonynanny- I both agree + disagree with you. I'm sorry for your weight/eating troubles, whatever they may be, + I'm sensitive to that aspect- I myself used to be very anorexic (my lowest point being 98 lbs. at 5'8"). You're right in that you should be very careful in approaching someone concerning their weight- even if it's to comment on how thin they are. However, in reading this, I really didn't get the impression that the OP was as concerned about the weight gain as she was the TRUE happiness of her nanny. It IS unusual for a young, seemingly active girl to gain so much weight so quickly. The OP is happy that her nanny has made friends + socializes, but perhaps she's not really happy about something, hence the weight gain. I'm sure you + I both know that self esteem is a major issue in serious weight issues, + I think having a caring, mentor figure in the OP can only be a positive for the nanny. The thing that says to me that the nanny might have an issue with her weight gain is that she hasn't told her OWN MOM "Oh, I've gained a bit", not even in mentioning that she's most likely had to buy an entire new wardrobe! Maybe she fears the reaction of her mother, which is why she hasn't mentioned it- I know my mother tends to obsess about my weight + always has, to the point where I often hide information about it from her. Again, I feel if the OP is truly kind + understanding in this matter, she can do more good than harm to her young nanny.

It would be lovely if you could guarantee that the nanny was going to react well to it. But the OP clearly doesn't know how the nanny would react, and since it is terrible etiquette to concern yourself with someone else's weight if they don't consult you about it first, I still say no.

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