Friday, May 20, 2011

Armageddon on Acid

On May 21, 2011, all life on Earth will be destroyed by God’s wrathful hand as foretold in the Bible. Starting at 6 p.m., a cataclysmic event with shake it’s way around the planet like a massive earthquake, destroying everything in its path.

Christian radio broadcaster Harold Camping of Family Radio, a Christian network, claims he pinpointed the exact date of the world’s demise from scripture. According to Camping, to determine Christ’s second coming involves understanding numerology and critical points in the Bible. According to 2 Peter 3:8 “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.” Camping merged this with Genesis 7:4 “Seven days from now I will send rain on earth.” If Camping dated the Great Flood from 4990 BC, then adding 7,000 means the world will end in 2011.

How right is Camping? He predicted the end would come in September 1994. When that didn’t pan out, he went back to the Bible and discovered he’d overlooked some things. Infallible prophesy is complex, after all.

Here’s Harold Camping.

Here’s Rev. Kane from Poltergeist 2.

Now that you’re probably shitting yourself with fear, know Camping’s followers advertise worldwide the Rapture will occur May 21, 2011. This has all of the markings of a fascinating tale: Christian radio doomsday cult followers go bankrupt as they wait for Jesus’ return. The atheist secular media gobbled it up as another chance to beat up these Christian fundamentalist nutjobs.

Matthew 24:35-36 is pretty clear nobody knows when God will destroy the world except for God: “Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.”

So if Camping wants to pinpoint the exact time of the Apocalypse, isn’t he ignoring God’s pronouncements, and isn’t that supreme hubris?

My take on this whole May 21 Rapture Apocalyptic End Times Festival is to get as chemically fucked up as possible.

I mean, if Jesus were to come back, why not throw a surprise party? Why not consume acid and trip your ass off, hallucinating through the oceans of boiling blood, lake of fire and grasshoppers with human heads. (That last part is actually in the Bible!)

Just transform every city and town into Studio 54 and drink as much hard liquor, snort pure cocaine off your sister’s tits and sin like you’ve never sinned before.

According to Camping, we’re all a bunch of hell-bound hedonists reared on a steady diet of consumerism, pornography and material possessions. Why not repent the only way we know how: by rocking the panties of planet Earth?

Imagine a colossal tsunami ripping the crust and upper mantle off the planet as you would peel a putrid grapefruit. Hear the billions wailing in terror and fright as the very foundation of the world scatters, torn asunder by a powerful omnipotent force and incinerated by a cleansing fire. These flames wash over the world, vaporizing houses and mountains as the atmosphere ignites like a drunken frat boy lighting his farts. The very oceans run crimson with blood as the dead rise from their graves in a zombie killing frenzy that would make George Romaro gleefully cream his pants. Cemeteries, mausoleums and necropolises would be overrun with the living dead, who shamble out into the streets, feasting on the flesh of the non-believers. A loaded shotgun or gassed up chainsaw won’t save you from this undead horde. If the dead don’t get you, the various demons will. Hideous creatures with the bodies of orangutans and the head of Donald Trump will fly on leathery bat wings and punish the wicked with all manner of torture devices, rough sodomy and an eternal viewing of the 2003 Ashton Kutcher film “Just Married.”

Wouldn’t you want to avoid such a fate by getting completely blitzed? Even if Judgment Day doesn’t arrive, we could skill have one kick-ass party. Everyone could just shoot heroin, loot a liquor store and slurp body shots off Heidi Klum. It doesn’t matter how freaky or twisted you get because Jesus forgives all. Abduct a sorority and put on a donkey show. Drive your dad’s priceless Cadillac into a swimming pool. Set fire to the nunnery. Do something that makes your spring break in Tijuana seem like a church picnic.

Four Horsemen of the Partypocalypse

With the Rapture, everybody who’s saved will be sent up to heaven minus their clothes. That means heaven is filled with naked people, and that’s totally hot. Why not make it heaven on earth and get naked tomorrow? Start streaking and never stop! Even if the police bludgeon you with nightsticks or Taser you, it won’t matter because they’ll be reduced to cinders by God’s wrath.

In the end, who does Jesus want to hang out with? Thousands of dutiful, boring dullards incapable of independent thought, or a bunch of lowlifes and sinners he can console and preach to? Think Jesus would want to save the assholes who use him as a convenient prop every Sunday to justify their twisted dogma while ignoring the true message of charity and compassion?

What would Jesus do? Probably order a water, turn it into a Bacardi and kick back with the heretics and heathens.