Well, hi there, everyone. I’m back from the great blog-vacation, and I have renewed zeal and vigor for informing your beautiful asses about all things running.

During my time off, life continued generally as it usually does (i.e., clumsily aping the motions of a successful journalist), but I did go on a quick vacation up to Cape Ann, Massachusetts, where I saw two wonderful, wonderful friends from college marry each other. I cried like a total weenie, this is true, but I managed to bite off both ends of a Twizzler and use it as a straw through which I drank eight beers and subsequently did the “throwing sparkles dance” AND the “butt dance” for several hours regain my composure in fine style and then hit shamelessly on the wedding officiant tell the bride and groom how much they have meant to my life.

And, of course, I ran. The mileage has further pushed into uncharted territory. I won’t tell you exactly how many total miles I am now running per week–a figure that actually sort of troubles even me at this point–but it’s smaller than the number of chickens (nesting hens, not roosters) that you can fit in a U-Haul and bigger than a breadbox.

Seriously, the break was a good time to regroup, take a deep breath, brainstorm, and clip my toenails, and let me tell you, I think we’re going to be better than ever here at The Running Log. The operation is growing, and I can feel new opportunities awaiting this enterprise around every corner. And so it is with great pleasure that I announce:

THE RUNNING LOG IS HIRING!

Yes, you heard me! It’s a growing business we have here. Between the ad revenue and George Soros donations, I hardly know how to handle it all, so it’s time I Give Back to the world and lower the U.S. unemployment rate by 0.00000000004%.

AVAILABLE POSITIONS:

Communications Assistant

Duties: Blog administration — approving comments; flying to Iowa and cutting my parents’ internet when posts include any reference to booze, drugs, sex, worrisome mileage totals, and/or the fact that I watched Ally McBeal all through high school even though they expressly prohibited me from watching “that smut”; opening fan mail and e-mail — tasting Clif Shots and Body Glide from gift packages for anthrax, sorting skeezy nudie fan pics from letters full of admiration and inspiring stories of Triumphing Over Odds, discarding said letters, delivering skeezy pics to me and then promptly leaving room.

Qualifications: Applicants must be reasonably literate, with a limitless capacity for casseroles, because that’s what DJ’s mom is giving you when you go visit/cut the internet. Oh, and bring Tupperware. She’ll give you some for the road.

How to apply: You’re hired. Get over here now.

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Security Detail (four positions open)

Duties: Run with me, in a protective diamond pattern, protecting me from any would-be creepos. The person in back will have the unique duty of “earmuffing” me when ass-hats yell vom-inducing sentiments at me. Like, OK, that dude on the corner of Rhode Island and Florida Avenues every morning, particularly on weekends, just as I run by? The one who yells, “Yeah, runitout, runitout, baby!” and “Work it, sweet thang!” and various other encouraging comments? Yeah. Security detailees will bludgeon his face with whatever he’s always carrying around in that Whole Foods bag. Yeesh.

How to apply: You will be notified of your audition time. Don’t call us; we’ll call you.

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Coach

Duties: This person will help me give 110 percent all the time, pushing me to the outer reaches of my potential and then beyond.

Qualifications: Ideal candidates will have experience formulating training plans and shouting nonsensical motivational phrases that make any normal person want to slap her/himself in the face, like “Pain is temporary but GLORY IS FOREVER!” and “Running is 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical!” and “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among <slap slap SLAP SLAP SLAP>.” Candidates must have endless patience for whining, as well as willingness to take the fall for long-run pit stops deep in the woods along the C & O Towpath for bathroom breaks that I’m pretty sure are illegal in some way or another, even though now that I think about it, men get to pee on anything they want with no consequence. CAN I HELP IT that I have to disrobe partially to relieve myself? F**k you, patriarchy. I’ll pee on the (almost insultingly phallic) Washington Monument and you will LIKE it. Ba-ba-BOOYAH.

How to apply: Somehow I’m guessing you don’t want to at this point.

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Nutritionist

Duties: Mostly, strapping on the feedbag, then leaving me be.

Qualifications: I can’t think of any, though I would guess that experience with ravenous Clydesdales would be a plus.

How to apply: Bring me an econo-sized box of Reese’s Puffs and we’ll talk.

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Intern

Duties: Writing all blog posts, taking no credit, brushing my hair.

Qualifications: Extensive knowledge of and experience with distance running. Lack of experience with fun runs. Extensive repertoire of swear words, as well as synonyms/euphemisms for every semi-naughty part of the human anatomy, including a few you just sort of made up on the spot.

How to apply: Submit a resume, cover letter, three letters of recommendation, and a thorough listing of every filthy thing you have uttered in your life.

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Community Outreach Coordinator

Duties: This person will punch all those douche middle-aged running club dudes who HAVE A PROBLEM WITH A GIRL PASSING THEM. I’m running three times as far as you and also faster. Deal with it, save yourself 50 yards of sprinting, and stop grunt-breathing in my ear. I’ll be gone in 45 seconds, I promise.

This person will also administer “fuck yeah” high-fives to pretty much every woman running at a sub-12:00 pace, because I’m a raging sexist, especially past mile 28 or so.

Oh, and this person will goose hot dude runners on the trail, just so I can see what happens, and also because I get bored.

Qualifications: Must be a “people person,” outgoing and proactive, willing to “go the extra mile” (ha!). Also willing to goose strangers.

Duties: This person will administer all grants distributed by the Running Log Foundation. This person will also administer just the right amount of pressure to that spot between my L2 and L3 spine.

Qualifications: Must have three years of grant-writing and/or -reviewing experience, plus an M.B.A. from a major accredited University. Familarity with HTML and Linux a plus, as is fluency in at least three foreign languages, particularly Basque. Knowledge of financial markets absolutely necessary, including the ability to casually toss around words like “dividend” and “arbitrage” and “debenture.” Must not be grossed out by my feet.

How to apply: Submit a CV and all post-secondary transcripts, along with an essay, with diagrams, on how my hamstrings are looking particularly healthy today.

All application materials can be sent to nike.sucks.ass@gmail.com. Please include the position title in the subject line of your e-mail. The Running Log is an equal opportunity employer. Bikers and speedwalkers need not apply.