Nobody told me how things would change as the years progressed. I'll let you know what to expect:

- Ball Hair Turns Gray - Whatever positive thoughts you had about how your junk looks ends on the day you see gray hair. Sure, you could shave it but that can be fucking weird for an older guy. Can you use Clyde Frazier's Just for Dongs products down there? Sure but with your luck you'll get perm-like chemical burns and never get laid again. Ever. And you'll never sue Clyde either because Knicks.

Solution - Mr. Glass' Crotch Wigs (by Norelco).

- Ear Hair Life - You can't see it because of that stupid flap, but your kids and co-workers can. Silent judgement won't affect you because you're oblivious. Ear hair is the toughest hair on the body. It actually goes BACK into the skin when you try to groom it. Sometimes it will grow inward and won't pop out until it's 4 inches long. This is a moment in life when you'll truly ask, "WHY GOD!?!"

Solution - Braid it into your sideburns and chill.

- DENTAL DAM! - Teeth will betray you, but it will be in the back of your mouth where nobody can see at first. Teeth talk to each other though and eventually they start talking shit about the "goodie-two-shoes" teeth up front. Next thing you know your chompers look like you gargled with a melted butter/glue sauce. You'll start smiling like you've had a stroke to hide it.

Solution - Dirt bike helmet with faceguard.

- Baby Got Back...Problems - Maybe the shifted weight from years of delicious malt liquor finally caught up, but your back is going to remind you that you should’ve been slow sipping. Ever pull a back muscle from just sleeping? Just wait fuckers. My back feels like Clarence Clemens hit me with his sax, and the rest of the E-Street Band walked on top of me.

I identify with men that finally swallowed their pride and began shaving their heads bald, after the last couple years of believing that a low, low, low haircut would hide the fact that we're...well...bald.

I googled "ear hair," cause I'd never seen anyone with ear hair in my life. Or probably never really paid attention. It looks scary.