Phoebe : Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice.

Joey : The guy still won’t put out, huh?

Phoebe : Nope. Zilch, nothin’, uh-uh.

All : Sorry Phoebs.

Phoebe : Look, I, y’know, I don’t mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y’know he’s really interesting and he’s really sweet and why won’t he give it up?

Joey : Maybe he, uhh… drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.

Phoebe : No, whad’ya mean? He’s not British.

Joey : Maybe he’s. . . gay.

Phoebe : Oohh, um, no, I don’t think that’s the problem. ‘Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like… definitely felt something.

Ross : [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington’s cat toy.

Monica : Alright.

Joey : [to Ross] You’re getting a cat?

Ross : Uh, actually, we’re getting a cat.

Rachel : Together?

Ross : Uh huh.

Rachel : Both of you?

Ross : Yep.

Rachel : Together.

Julie : Yeah, we figure it’ll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time.

Rachel : Ohh, well, isn’t that just lovely. That’s something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.

Ross : Hopefully.

Rachel : Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we’re not supposed to take these when we leave.

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael (MICH).]

Mich : I don’t know if Monica told you but this is the first date I’ve gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.

Rachel : [distracted] How long do cats live?

Mich : [confused] I’m sorry?

Rachel : Cats, how long do they live figuring you don’t… y’know, throw ’em under a bus or something?

Mich : Um, maybe 15, 16 years.

Rachel : That’s just great. [she picks up her champagne and starts drinking]

Mich : Um, cheers.

Rachel : Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass]

Mich : Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn’t she?

Rachel : Oh, no, Michael, it’s not you. I’m sorry, it’s just, it’s this thing. It’s probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.

Joey : Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you’re just gonna have to ask him.

Phoebe : You’re right, you’re right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug]

[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.]

[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.]

Rachel : [obviously drunk] I mean, it’s a cat, y’know, it’s a cat. Why can’t they get one of those bugs, y’know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something? [belligerently] What’re they called, what’re they called, what’re they called?

Mich : Fruitflies?

Rachel : Yes! Thank you.

[The waiter comes to the table.]

Waiter : So, would you like any dessert?

Mich : No! No dessert, just a check, please.

Rachel : Oh, you’re not having fun, are you?

Mich : No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I’ve been playing the movie Diner in my head.

Rachel : Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I’m on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his… Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can’t I do that?

Mich : Oy. Look, I’ve been through a divorce, trust me you’re gonna be fine. You just can’t see it now because you haven’t had any closure.

Rachel : Yeah! Closure. That’s what it is, that’s what I need. God, you’re brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that? How do I get that?

Mich : Well, you know, there’s no one way really, it’s just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, “I’m over you.”

Rachel : Closure, that’s what it is. Closure. [she looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair]

Guy : Hang on.

Rachel : Hello, excuse me.

Guy : What.

Rachel : Hi, I’m sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.

Guy : I’m talkin’!

Rachel : I can see that. I… just one phone call, I’ll be very quick, I’ll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK, you’re bein’ a little weird about your phone.

Rachel : [on phone] Ross, hi, it’s Rachel. I’m just calling to say that um, everything’s fine and I’m really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I’m thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]

Commercial

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.]

Monica : No, c’mon, we can’t stop, c’mon, we’ve got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica] Woo.

Ross : Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can’t deal with this right now. I mean, I’ve uh, y’know, I’ve got a cab, I’ve got a girlfriend, I’m… I’m gonna go get a cat.

Rachel : OK, OK.

Ross : Cat. [leaves]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe : Hey Joey.

Joey : Hey Phoebs.

Phoebe : How come you’re watching a rabbi play electric guitar?

Joey : I can’t find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you.

Phoebe : So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.

Joey : And?

Phoebe : And we did.

Joey : All right Phoebs, way to go.

Phoebe : Yay me.

Joey : So, so how did it happen?

Phoebe : Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.

Joey : And what did he say?

Phoebe : He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y’know, like, ‘ohh, is he gonna call me the next day’ and, y’know, ‘where is this going’ and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.

Joey : Wow.

Phoebe : Yeah, so I said, “OK, relax please,” y’know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y’know, it’s, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that’s fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.

Joey : Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.

Rachel : Hey, I was doin’ great before I found out about you. You think it’s easy for me to see you with Julie?

Ross : Then you should have said something before I met her.

Rachel : I didn’t know then. And how come you never said anything to me.

Ross : There was never a good time.

Rachel : Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.

Ross : Not, not, not every night. You know, and… and it’s not like I didn’t try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y’know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.

Rachel : Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point?

Ross : The point is I… I don’t need this right now, OK. It, it’s too late, I’m with somebody else, I’m happy. This ship has sailed.

Rachel : Yeah, what’re you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?

Ross : Hey, I’ve been doin’ it since the ninth grade, I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it.

Rachel : Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.

Ross : Fine.

Rachel : ‘Cause I don’t need your stupid ship.

Ross : Good.

Rachel : Good. [Ross leaves]

[Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.]

Rachel : And ya know what, now I’ve got closure.

[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can’t get the lock undone.]