Sex as Currency: Are you his girlfriend or his prostitute?

As women, we are taught mixed messages: we are taught that being a prostitute is dirty and wrong; and we are taught that our sex is a special gift not to be given away for free.

Most of us don’t even realize that we use sex as currency, but if you’ve ever caught yourself saying or thinking, “I don’t want to sleep with him because he didn’t do/say/buy XYZ,” then you are unconsciously treating your sex as a bargaining tool.

This might make you feel beautiful and powerful in the moment, but over time, it will erode your attractiveness and your feminine grace. You will starve yourself of the love and sex you crave; meanwhile, the men you were depriving will find sex elsewhere–perhaps in the arms of a *real* prostitute.

The fact that many women DO receive special treatment because they have boobs perpetuates the myth that if you don’t receive special treatment, you aren’t beautiful enough.

I’ve had many older women tell me things like, “Sweetie, you shouldn’t have to pay for dinner, you’re so pretty.” I’ve had men of all ages tell me that there’s no reason why “a woman like you” should ever pay for her own drink.

I’ve gotten free drinks, better customer service, and out of traffic tickets by smiling and showing a smile and a little cleavage. As long as it is possible for me or any woman, all women will want to know that they CAN use their sexuality to inspire his desire to pull out his wallet.

However, your beauty is not currency, and treating it as such makes it cheaper and duller. When you make your beauty, your radiance, and your sexiness something that you bargain with, then by nature you must hold it back. This hurts you more than it hurts any man that you are withholding from.

If you use sex as currency, you are acting like a prostitute. And many of us act like very cheap, amateur prostitutes. After all, when was the last time you heard of a prostitute quote “a drink,” “flowers,” or “wash the dishes” as their asking price?

By the way, I actually don’t have a problem with prostitution. Just be up front about it. Don’t act like you are above having sex for money, and then turn around and tell your man that if he takes you to that new Italian place tonight, you’ll make it worth his while (wink, wink).

And yes, I’ve totally done this. It usually ends with us arguing over a plate of pasta about why he said he’d take me out if he “didn’t really want to go.”Then I’m not in the mood anymore because we’ve been arguing, but I still feel like I “owe him.” I can’t even count how many couples I know in this holding pattern.

Besides, when you use sex as currency, you deprive your man of giving you actual gifts from the heart.

Why?

Because everything becomes an exchange. He can’t ever give you the joy of taking you to that Italian place “just because,” because you already put your bargaining chips on the table. You lose trust for him because you think he only does things to get sex. You don’t realize that YOU are the one who set things up that way, not him.

I’m not suggesting you should have sex with him whenever he wants to; I’m suggesting having sex with him whenever you want to. Even if he didn’t buy you dinner or forgot to call when he said he would. If you’re upset about it, tell him! But leave sex out of it.

If you are attracted to him–if you love him–if you want him, enjoy him! Don’t put restrictions on it. This restricts your ability to flirt and be sexy. This diminishes your feminine sexual power–no matter how much it might feel like it enhances it.

When you allow yourself to get turned on and enjoy sex without arbitrary restrictions or rules around it, you will benefit more than any man who gets to fuck you. Sure, he might “get some.” But you will get so much more. You will gain your freedom to have your sexuality be an infinite source of joy, instead of a finite resource to barter with.

Comments

I was in a relationship where the value I was providing was so clearly off the scale for so long, that it was becoming awkward. I care and believe deeply in people, and I`m strongly of the opinion that I don`t NEED to push, beg, or barter for people`s gifts, talents, and value. If they aren`t eager to offer it clearly and flowingly, they`re probably not meant to be in my circles.

For awhile though, sex can be used as a crutch. As a ‘value trump card’.

“Oh, I’m not keeping up with my man’s value + shining?” Let’s have sex.
“Oh, we’re fighting because of fundamental belief difference?” Let’s have sex.
“Oh, our business is going under but I don’t have faith in my ability to support my man or his vision?” Let’s have sex.

A rich man can buy friends, but that’s a recipe for disaster.
A sexy chick can buy a boyfriend with her pussy, but that’s a recipe for disaster.

Sex as currency can be like putting a band-aid on a bleeding, infected limb. (Pardon the graphic metaphor, but it makes the point clear.)

Eventually that limb is going to need amputated, unless it’s addressed properly.

“Let`s have sex” is not good enough. A man does not need to be bought with pussy-power. Most men aren’t even aware they’re allowing themselves to be bought with it.

And I’d love women and men to be clear that if there severe value mis-matches in a relationship, DO NOT hide them.

THANK YOU for putting this concept into a succinct, clear read! This is a huge breath of fresh air from all these other articles I’ve seen urging women to use their sexuality to move ahead in their careers—and idea that I find appalling and immoral. This gives me hope for humanity.

Trackbacks

[…] Oh man, did I used to have a long list of impossible criteria before I would allow myself to fall in love with a man. He had to be perfect…if my fiance forgot to do the dishes, I would question whether he was worthy of my love, attention, and sexual pleasure. This is a miserable, miserable life, and it makes anyone who does this the worst kind of prostitute. […]