There are times when a Leader
can offer the encouragement of coaching support as well as information.

Some limits don't require
any thought. "You can't bring a wet dog in the house." "The family rule
is that everyone sits down to dinner together on Wednesday nights."
"I'm not available to help with the paper drive next week." "Children
don't play in the road." These limits don't require any thought because
the person involved has either formulated an answer long before the
occasion arises or doesn't care how the other person responds. When
you are caught off guard or are afraid that your limit will cause the
other some pain, it becomes more difficult. Effective limit setting
is a confrontational skill that requires preparation and practice; that's
the bad news. The good news is that practice makes effective limit setting
easier. There are four basic steps to setting a limit: Deciding upon
your limit, initially stating the limit as clearly as possible, listening
to the response, and repeating the limit until it is accepted.

Coaching someone who wants
to set a limit might sound like this:

Sara: Did you ever
have a problem with your mother-in-law?

Leader: That's
an interesting question. Sounds as though you are having difficulty
with yours.

Sara: I know she
means well, but she is really aggravating right now. Ever since Sammy
was born, she has been coming over to the house and cleaning up. She
comes over two or three times a week, does the laundry and puts things
away. The pampering was wonderful for a while, but I want my house back.

Leader: You're
anxious because she seems to you to be intruding on your space.

Sara:. Exactly.
I can't find anything and I've begun to feel as though it's more her
house than mine.

Leader: Sometimes
it is difficult to say no to someone, especially someone you care about.

Sara: That's true
and you don't know my mother-in-law. Certainly I've said no any number
of times. My mother-in-law, Joanne, didn't get to be a top real estate
saleswoman by taking no for an answer. She just says, "Oh, don't be
silly. I love doing this for you," and continues on her merry way. I
dread this ongoing conflict.

Leader: It sort
of sits out there like a black cloud. You can see it coming, but you
feel helpless. What you want to do is called limit setting. If you'd
like we could rehearse the confrontation. I find that to be very helpful
when I'm stuck in situations like this.

Sara: I think that
would be very helpful. It would give me a chance to prepare myself.
Where do we start?

Leader: The first
thing to do is decide exactly what your limit is and how to phrase it
so that your mother-in-law has as little negative reaction to it as
possible.

Sara: She's just
trying to be nice, I think. My father-in-law was a military man and
was often overseas or at the other end of the country. Over the years
she has told us how challenging it was to take care of five children
without his help. I guess this was something she always dreamed of for
herself, someone nearby who could look after her.

Leader: So, your
limit is?

Sara: I guess the
thing that bothers me is that she doesn't consult with me. I never know
when she's coming or what she's going to do.

Leader: So your
limit is that you want to be consulted about the housework.

Sara: Yes. I want
her to call before she comes and I want to have a say in what she does
in the house. Does that make sense?

Leader:Yes. That's
a well-stated limit. The limit setting process has a pattern that is
helpful. First you describe the behavior and its concrete effect on
you; second listen for a response and empathize with it; third acknowledge
the other person's position and give positive feedback. Then you state
your limit, and recycle this process until the other person accepts
the limit you have set. Okay, Sara, can you describe the behavior and
its concrete effect on you?

Sara: Well, Joanne
comes barging into the house at all times of the day and the next thing
I know the house is topsy-turvy and I have no idea what's going on.

Leader: I think
I've got the picture, Sara, but I'm not sure how helpful it would be
to say it like that. Could you say something like, "Joanne, when you
come over to the house without calling first and start cleaning without
consulting me, as you did yesterday, I feel disconcerted because I have
to replan the whole day."

Sara: I guess I
could say that. Then what do I say?

Leader: The next
step is to listen to her reaction and try to make her understand that
you heard what she had to say.

Sara: Okay. Joanne,
when you come over to the house without calling first and start cleaning
without consulting me, as you did yesterday, I feel disconcerted because
I have to replan the whole day.

Leader (as Joanne):
Well my goodness. I was just trying to help. I know what it's like to
have a new baby and no one to help out.

Sara: Now I've
hurt your feelings. I'm sorry. I just can't stand it when people come
over and move....

Leader: Whoa! Try
repeating her feelings back to her.

Sara: You feel
hurt because you've been trying to do a good thing and it seems as though
I'm unappreciative.

Leader: Sara that
was wonderful! I think you hit the nail on the head! (Joanne) "Yes,
exactly. I was hoping that I was being helpful" Now, here's where you
acknowledge her position and give her some positive feedback.

Sara: Hmmm. I've
noticed how much work you've done around here. You've really lightened
the load for me.

Leader: This is
a perfect place to state your limit.

Sara: From now
on, I'd like you to call before you come over and consult with me before
you do anything in the house.

Leader: (Joanne)
Well, if that's the way you feel about it, I just won't help out at
all!

Sara: Oh no! Now
what?

Leader: See if
you can reflect her feelings back to her again, say something genuinely
positive and then repeat your limit, exactly the way you said it the
first time.

Sara: You feel
so insulted that you're considering not helping out at all. I want you
to know that I've appreciated your lending a hand at such a busy time.
From now on, I'd like you to call before you come over and consult with
me before you do anything in the house.

Leader: This method
is also called the "broken record" and when you repeat the limit over
and over again, in the same words, it does sound like a broken record.
Dr. Robert Bolton says in his book that it can take as many as eight
to ten repetitions before the other person really gets it.

Sara: Eight to
ten repetitions? Wow! How important is it that the words stay the same?

Leader: The limit
actually gains strength by staying the same. The other person becomes
convinced that you must really mean what you are saying. That's another
reason why you should think your limit through in advance of any confrontation.
Ready to try it or do you need more practice?

Sara: No, I'm psyched.
I'm going to go home and do this before I lose my nerve.

Leader: Don't forget
to listen to her responses. Your success hinges on it.

Coaching is an important
tool for Leaders. Some people need more than information. They need
an opportunity to practice new ways of talking to the important people
in their lives.

The final article in this
series about Leaders coaching others for better communication will appear
in the next issue of LEAVEN. The topic will be dialoguing with a doctor.

Setting
a Limit

Describe the
behavior and its concrete effect on you.

Listen for a
response and empathize with it.

Acknowledge
the other person's position and give positive feedback.

State your limit.

Recycle this
process until the other accepts it.

What
is a "Concrete Effect"?

Those things that
unnecessarily:

Cost the limit-setter
money

Harm her possessions

Consume her
time

Cause her extra
work

Endanger her
job

Interfere with
her effectiveness.

This article is the continuation
of a theme on coaching for better communication from the last issue
of Leaven. The other articles in this series: