19 Reasons to Get Off Facebook NOW

Ninety-six percent of Americans now use Facebook ... so says a recent Bank of America survey. But I don't buy it. The survey only looked at 418 people all under the age of 50, so we can't really use that percentage as a litmus test for the WHOLE DARN COUNTRY. Plus, I know plenty of people who still don't use it. And what about those people who just have a profile, but barely ever sign on? Who have only ever written one status update: "Hey I'm here!" or have just one, lonely wall post from a friend: "Oh, LOOK, Jen finally decided to join the rest of the universe!" They don't count.

The fact of the matter is that although almost 700 million people are using it worldwide right now, Facebook isn't for everyone, and people who have put off joining the social network for this long deserve some credit! More power to 'em, I say. Because in many ways, they're actually lucking out over the rest of us Facebook fiends. Here, 19 ways you're better off if you're not on Facebook ...

1. You don't feel compelled to constantly check in. In other words, you're not an addict like those other morons who are constantly scrolling through their News Feed!

2. You don't feel required to know every last detail of your Facebook-using friends' lives. Jessie had twins? Lana is engaged? Mary posted pics of her baby shower? Great, awesome -- you'll get to have the good news delivered to you in a more personal way, aka a phone call or over lunch!

3. You don't miss out on living your life, because your nose is buried in your smartphone's mobile News Feed, reading about what someone else is doing with theirs.

4. You'll never get so caught up in changing a profile picture or "like"-ing bands that, before you know it, it's 7 p.m. and your boss is wondering where the hell that assignment is that was due three hours ago. Whoooops.

5. You have more security than your friends who insist on "checking in" via Places or Foursquare. If they want the world (or, okay, just their friends) to know that they're not home and their apartment is just waiting to be robbed, let 'em!

6. You get to "share" important changes in your physical appearance (you lost weight, got a nose job, dyed your hair, cut your hair, are pregnant) with friends and family the old-fashioned way ... in person!

7. You don't have to go through the heart-wrenching process of indirectly announcing to the world that you broke up with your S.O. via your relationship status.

8. You're not tempted to stalk exes' Facebook profiles. Forget temptation. If you can't log in and if you're not friends with them, it's not even an option! Also, you don't have to worry about de-friending an ex or re-friending or whatever-ing an ex. The past remains in the past.

9. You don't need to put up with diatribe, opinionated, or overtly political or religiousstatus updates or comments from people who treat Facebook like their own (obnoxious) personal soap box.

10. You get to remain blissfully ignorant about all the dumb crap your loved ones do (like drink too much, hunt, worry about what kind of toilet paper to buy, vote Republican, eat at Bennigan's).

11. Similarly, you get to remain blissfully ignorant about the fact that you weren't invited out to girls' night.

12. Ditto on never having to see your current boyfriend/husband's college photos of him with skanks ... which will make you unnecessarily jealous.

13. You don't have to take a pummeling to your self-esteem when you see your friend got her awesome body back, like, two weeks after she gave birth.

14. You don't have to witness a virtual high school reunion between two former classmates ... and then the impending vague status updates ... and final nail in the coffin relationship status change from "Married" to "Separated," "Divorced" or "Single."

16. You don't have to put up with friends who are teachers writing at least 16 updates a piece about how a.) their students suck or b.) they're off ALL SUMMER LONG. (Hey, I love my teacher friends, but listen, we all know you put up with A so you can enjoy B, ok?)

17. You won't ever have to field and reject friend requests from any of the following: Your parents, your friends' parents, a creepy old teacher you didn't like in high school let alone 10 years later, someone from elementary school you weren't friends with in elementary school let alone 20 years later, someone you literally de-friended your sophomore year of high school, etc.

18. You don't have to witness domestic disputes play out via wall posts or, almost as bad, virtual PDA or sextus updates (like sexting but through status updates).

19. You won't resent Mark Zuckerberg for selling your soul to creepy advertisers who gear their promos to what you "like" or comment on.

Did I miss anything? What other "perks" do people who don't use Facebook have over the rest of us who do?