Friday, April 13, 2007

We’ve got a special guest host and participant for this week’s draft: None other than Orson Swindle of Every Day Should Be Saturday, the best college football site on the Internet. He even offered to use the royal we. Take it away, Swindle…

During our blogger summit at a gay bar in midtown Atlanta, Ufford and we decided that EDSBS had to make an appearance in the mock draft category. Actually, we decided this, and threatened Ufford with leaving his pearl-buttoned shirt-wearing ass on the sidewalk at Piedmont and 10th for the Rusty Cocklords to have him as they liked if he refused us a spot in the mock draft.

Threat of forced rough trade revoked, here we are. The topic: movie deaths. This includes scenes you find admirable, noble, badass, enviable, and suitable as a model for your own inevitable demise.

I die standing on top of the world, swatting planes out of the sky with my huge hairy arms, and watching the world gawk at my collossal cock and balls swinging like the inner workings of a universal sex clock over the city. Bullets rip into my flesh, but they only anger me in principle, since they barely scratch the epidermis of my stop-motion animated hide.

I'm like an evil black sun rising over the city. Like Charles Oakley hitting the town on any given Saturday night in the 1990s, actually, but slightly less tough, and without an unregistered firearm.

It's even better than you think, though. You know why I'm dying? It's the same in every version. I'm beating millions of dollars out of the sky with each swat of my hands for beauty. Practically raging my ass off for beauty's sake buck naked on top of the Empire State Building. This isn't just an angry gorilla beating off onto Manhattan from 100 stories up. This is fucking art.

The actual line: "Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was beauty killed the beast."

That's what they'll say when they gun shirtless me down outside a Miami convenience store, machete in hand and bomb strapped to my face: It was beauty killed the beast. (And a well-placed hollow point to the heart, of course.)

Round 1, Pick 2 - UM – Christ, “The Passion Of The Christ”

Mel Gibson's uproarious comedy* culminates with the most important death in human history (apologies to Franz Ferdinand and Cus D'Amato). Now for the millionth time, WE'RE SORRY!

*I didn't actually see the movie

Round 1, Pick 3 - CC – Tom Sizemore, “Saving Private Ryan”

Spend the day fucking up Germans in a French town while horrifically outnumbered before toughing it out with a bazooka despite getting shot in each shoulder. Then he delivers a badass line and dies.

Of course, my first choice would have been Sgt Stryker in Sands of Iwo Jima, which would save me the indignity of being in the U.S. Army... but he gets killed by a sniper. Fuck that.

And I'm still waiting for the Vietnam film that uses John Bobo’s death. THAT'S the one I really want.

NOTE: We couldn’t find the clip where Sizemore dies. Enjoy this 3-minute version of the D-Day scene.

Round 1, Pick 4 - Ape – Alec Guinness, “Bridge Over The River Kwai”

It seems likely I'll die with shameful recognition. At best, I'd like to takesome people with me. Homer's tongue hitting the destruct button in theplant as he expired is similar, but I feel I've hit my Simpsonsreference limit for the week. Genuine class.

Round 1, Pick 5 - BDD – Tony Montana, “Scarface”

It's not even close. If I'm goin down, I want to do it taking out asmany people as possible with a really, really big fucking gun. Plus,all the cocaine I've ingested will render the bullet wounds relativelypainless (or so I've been told). I can't think of a moreover-the-top, ludicrous way to die. I could even do that stupid TonyMontana accent that every douchebag wearing a visor does at your localwatering hole. I could do without Tony's killing his sister after sheoffered to satisfy his disgusting incestuous urges. But otherwise,this is the ultimate death scene for me.

Round 1, Pick 6 - flubby – C. Thomas Howell, “Red Dawn”

If I go out, I'm taking a couple helicopters full of Commies with me. WOLVERINES!!!!

I found some Red Dawn stuff on YouTube, but nothing as funny/creepy/possibly gay as this C Thomas Howell tribute video, complete with Vitamin C soundtrack.

Round 1, Pick 7 - Punter – The real President Mitchell, “Dave”Death by ejaculation will never get its proper due.

The shark jumps out of the pool, grabs SLJ in his jaws and then, even though it is out of the water, the shark somehow manages to find some miracle reverse gear to go back into the pool. This death is an unapologetic affront to the laws of physics and nature. I dig that.

Round 2, Pick 10 - BDD – Maximus, “Gladiator”

The only thing better than dying in front of a crowd that's cheeringyour name is dying in front of a crowd that can only stare at you withdead silent awe, because you are such a fucking badass. I havevanquished my hated rival, died a hero's death, and now get to returnto my kickass Tuscan villa and my hottie Italian wife for the rest ofeternity. Watching this scene stoned is just about the awesomestthing ever.

Round 2, Pick 11 - Ape – Randy Quaid, “Independence Day”

Drunken, raving lunatic redeemed, but still dead. I suppose there's some thrill in getting revenge on an anal-probing alien race and simultaneously saving mankind after being jilted and disdained most of your life. But the world is still in ruins because they didn't heed your warnings, so there's that.

In other words, I didn't give this pick any thought.

NOTE: We couldn’t find that video either. Enjoy the air battle scene from that flick.

Round 2, Pick 12 - CC – Michael Douglas, “Falling Down”

Spend a day lashing out at just about every annoyance in society, teaching people some FUCKING MANNERS, and killing neo-Nazis execution style and inducing heart attacks in asshole golfers when necessary (video above). Then, suicide-by-cop to give my daughter the life insurance money. You're welcome, sweetheart.

Round 2, Pick 13 - UM – Waring Hudsucker, “The Hudsucker Proxy”

When is a sidewalk fully dressed? When it's Waring Hudsucker!

Say, buddy, who's the most liquid businessman on the street? Waring Hudsucker!

Waring Hudsucker's demise is one of my all time favorite movie deaths and it's definitely the funniest. I'm not saying that's the way I'd like to shuffle loose the mortal coil, but it could certainly be worse than a ridiculously long freefall. Besides, without Hudsucker's leap we'd be without one of the world's great inventions.

You know, for kids.

I got video but it's not in english...maybe even funnier.

Round 2, Pick 14 - Swindle – Hudson, “Aliens”

Go. Down. Shooting. And tossing out profanities left and right. If you're gonna kill me, world, you'll do it with a mouthful of lead and my dying words of hate in your ears, asshole. And when you do it, be sure to send soulless killing machines with acid for blood to do it--like, seventeen thousand of them. Because that's just a start on what you're going to need to finish the job.

Either that or some bad chicken served medium rare in a Chinese food stall in Kunming. That almost did the trick once, too.

86
comments:

Bruce Willis in Armageddon too gay for you because of his hair/the soundtrack? Because personally setting off a nuke to prevent mankind from getting meteor-bombed to hell and gone, and having your life/hot daughter flash before your eyes like a bad acid trip isn't a terrible way to go.

There is also the death of Jet Li's character in Fearless. After defeating every single fighter the colonial powers can throw at him, and realizing that they'll get him eventually, Li spares the life of his last opponent (and both of them know who won) before succumbing to the poison. Going out on top of the world, at peace.

I have to go with William Wallace in Braveheart. You've cowed the British military and subterfuge was the only way they could get at you. You man up as you are having your guts cut out of your still-live body and cry, "Freedoooooooom!" with your dying breath rather than give into your torturers. Every man should wish to represent himself so well. Oh, and you got to fuck that hot Frenchy and plant the seed for the royal line.

as far as "death by ejaculation" goes, i cannot recall at the moment, what that hooker that the real president was banging looked like, but... until somebody proves me wrong, i'm still sticking with 1980 Goldie Hawn as the girl i want to die while nutting in

I kind of dig the way that African chick catches it in 'The Good Shepherd'. Stupid, double-agent wanna-be me is on my way to my wedding in a shitty propeller-engine plane when the door is suddenly thrust open and i'm thrown the fuck out. I don't even have time to really say a fuckin' thing about it. DOPE. I laughed out loud when I saw that scene in the theatre.

This actually happened on Nov 25, 1970. He was Japan's premier novelist at the time and a real reactionary nutjob. Pissed that Japan was losing its identity, he created his own private army then decided it was time that the Self Defense Force hear his message.

The Predator. Think you've won? How about this nuclear weapon strapped to my arm? As we learned in Predator 2, he was a batshit crazy crew member who decided to go The Most Dangerous Game in the middle of the Amazon (?) against the best soldiers this planet had to offer. He toyed with them awhile and, among other things, disemboweled a 'roided freak in Jesse The Body, dismembered Apollo Creed, and so totally owned that Indian hardass that the echoes of his scream are all that remain.It took a 7-time Mr. Olympia to present a challenge and even then the Predator chose to nuke himself rather than give that lucky mushmouth the satisfaction of victory. And don't fucking tell me Arnold survived that shit at ground zero! Total Hollywood bullshit.Final Score: Predator - 1Human Race - 0

George from season II of "24": Fly a plane carrying an irreversibly armed nuclear weapon into the desert, martyring yourself for your country, saving 1,000's of lives. Leave a legacy, gentlemen.

Wait a tick, George saved Los Angeles. Scratch that pick all together. I guess I'll go with the guy in the opening scene of "The Last Boy Scout"- Score a touchdown, killing a half-dozen NFL defensive backs in the process and then turning the gun on yourself. Nobody can stop me but me! Tony Robbins would be proud.

I'd have to go with Sgt. Worcester in 'Hamburger Hill'. You get to run around shooting folks and then finish it off with your knife before stumbling back down the hill to die in the arms of your best friend in a manly and only subtly homo-erotic way.

All that and you get the best line in he whole movie: 'We're in the A'Shau Valley . . . and we're not goin' anywhere except back up that Goddamned hill.'

For some weird sick reason I enjoy the decapitation scene in The Omen. If you do it right decapitation is quick and painless and if you have to die a gruesome death it's always better to die a quick gruesome death.

BTW, Samuel L. getting eaten by the shark? Why does the guy watching the chomp take three seconds before he jumps with the supposed shock of it? Did he learn nothing in acting class?

Score on the "choose your own death" form the Meaning of Life. Being chased off a cliff, and right into your grave, by a bunch of rather tasty ladies has to be a good way to go. It isn't in the badass league that everybody around here seems to want to choose from but it would make for a better funeral than the getting buried in a jug stuff that seems to be favourable around here.

The best death from Predator is the Indian who stays behind to let Arnold and that guerrilla bitch escape. He stands on a giant, fallen tree-bridge, cuts his own chest in order to lure the Predator in, and goes out fighting, with only a army issued knife/machete to do battle with.

I would pick the Predator's death if he set off the bomb in a more populated area, like Tehran.

I remember in RoboCop some guy getting covered in toxic waste and his body severely mutated. He was wandering around when he got hit by a car and he splattered all over the place. Never seen anything like it before or since.

OLD SCHOOL: Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer) in Blade Runner. HE owned Han Solo/Indiana Jones for a while, then saved his bacon at the last possible moment, and said those cool, cryptic last words: "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die."

NEW SCHOOL: Leonidas (Gerald Butler) in 300. Death by cloud of arrows (as proven by Jet Li in "Hero") is badass.

UNDERRATED: Buliwyf (some nordic dude) in The 13th Warrior. He knows he's dying from the posion in his veins, and still manages to raise one last time to kick the enemy leader in the last battle. Then, he sits on a throne overlooking the carnage and goes to Valhalla. Those vikings knew their deaths, honestly.

Similar to "Armageddon," but it's a different meteor movie (Deep Impact) - flying the space shuttle directly into the meteor and destroying it from the inside out, saving the entire earth while creating a really cool fucking explosion. That's how I wanna go out. If I can't die heroically, it'd be sorta cool to go out like Sharon Stone in "Casino" - stumbling down a hallway and collapsing after blowing through a lot of money in a drug-feuled orgy of excess.

I'm gonna have to second Leonidas' death in 300. Laying down all your defenses just to get a shot at spearing the King of Persia, knowing full well that there are a couple thousand archers with you in their sights is completely badass. Extra points for personally killing a couple hundred Persians by hand and having a hot wife at home to cry about losing you.

Billy Cole played by Billy Blanks... yahtzee, big jon, YAHTZEE! And don't forget he was high as a kite from chomping pain pills at halftime before he did it.

From the Alien movies, I'd have to go with Charles S. Dutton in Alien 3. He went toe to toe with the Alien to stall it so that Ripley could dump molten ore on it... and screamed "C'MON, IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!" the whole time.

I do believe a few obvious choices have been left for me to bat cleanup with.

Jack Nicholson in THE SHINING - not because I approve of terrorizing and trying to murder your family (usually) so much as he leaves behind a corpse even scarier than he was in life, which ought to count for something.

This next one is for the really gay mafia;

Brad Pitt in MEET JOE BLACK. He totally moists a woman over half a cup of coffee in a public place then gets taken out in a triple bounce vehicular debacle leaving NO DOUBT he's extra double-plus dead because, fuck it, why not? His day wasn't going to get better.

And for those who aren't gay;

Tyler FUCKING Durden who's death is across between an anarchist's wet dream and a mystical ascension.

The HAL 9000 for having the good sense to try and kill Keir Dulay or however you spell his foreign-ass name and for continuing to have "the utmost confidence in this mission" while he's being unplugged. Remaining confident while your brains dribble out your ears is the best any of us can hope for.

El Wray in PLANET TERROR who raised the stakes in Letters to Penthouse stump-fucking fantasies and for "never missing" that Rose McGowan G-Spot.

And Leon in THE PROFESSIONAL for teaching a more or less pre-pubescent (I never checked) Natalie Portman how to fuck all our shit up, get paid, and then make a fucking joke out of blowing yourself and your mortal enemy (some British amyl-nitrate tosser) with more grenades then you can count without a pause button.

Ok, so his death didn't occur IN a movie, but he was featured in a movie... Spike Spiegel, Cowboy Bebop C'mon, he lived most of his life as a highly capable martial artist, saved a couple of planets, and was the best bounty hunter and bad ass in the universe. His death? Oh gee...only killed an entire fucking organized crime syndicate, pretty much singlehandedly with a gun. A syndicate that had just been taken over by his mortal enemy and had killed the love of his life. Then he marches outside and collapses in a pool of his own blood on their staircase.

would you want to buried alive. Im thinking thats gotta be one of teh worst ways to go. I am going to agree with a previous commentor stuck in the ivy. I go with leonidus (leonoidus?) as the coolest. Kill thousands of persians adn then fight to the death which is the highest honor in your society and almost take out xerxes.

if Ufford and Swindle were in the ATL and did not make a stop at the Claremont Lounge, i am going to be SEVERELY fucking disappointed

First time I ever went there, the power went out. Pitch black, surrounded by drunken lowlifes and/or hipsters, and the fat, fugly, snaggle-toothed stripper on stage starts screaming out "Don't NOBODY touch me! DON'T NOBODY TOUCH ME!"

Not trying to get too gay, but Bruce Willis in Armageddon really wouldn't be bad at all. In the end you save the whole fucking planet from being destroyed and having all history of human life erased. HERO.

With Elias off the board, I'd go with Ken Watanabe as Katsumoto in "Last Samurai". Awful movie, awesomely noble way to go. Taking out an entire regiment of overconfident gun-wielding pussy peasant sell-outs, then charging on a white horse, leading your last remaining samurai headlong into machine gun fire, followed by seppuku using your ancestors' katana to preserve your honor and ensure that you die by the sword instead of bullet wounds. The entire army of your enemy gets on their knees and bows. Only weakness is that Tom Cruise is associated with this death. Actually, that's a very big weakness.

Maybe I'll go with the actual Saigo Takamori instead. Holed up in Shiroyama, beheaded by your lieutenant for honor, and even after you're dead, your enemy is frantically looking for your head for fear that you'll come back as a vengeful spirit and exact revenge.