John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Intervention doesn't work with grief recovery, but there are ways to reach out. (Published 9/3/2013)

Q:

I lost my 14-year old daughter 25 years ago. It was a long hard struggle but I'm okay now. My grief was so strong that I don't remember how I moved on. A friend just lost their only child, a boy 19, in a tragic car accident. I want to reach out to them but am not certain the best way to do this. I know what I feel and believe today is a whole spectrum from what I felt then. I don't know how to help them because I wasn't feeling then. I know they are in deep despair and grief and I want to help them. I especially don't want their marriage to disintegrate. Both are such nice people. Please guide me so that I may help them. Thank you.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Diana,

Thanks for your note. We are touched about your concern for your friends, and indeed for their marriage, which could be negatively affected by this tragedy.

One of the issues with grief recovery is that “intervention” is not advisable. That is, we can’t force people to do what we know would help them. It requires a willing participant.

That said, we don’t know if either the husband or wife has reached out and asked you for help. And, we don’t know if either of them is aware that you had a daughter die a long time ago.

What you can do is tell the truth about yourself, which is that you can say, “Even though I had a daughter die many years ago, I can’t imagine what this has been like for you.” As you say that, you make your voice go up at the end, to turn what is really a statement into a gentle question. It is the safest and most helpful way to ask “how are you feeling?” without actually saying that phrase.

That gentle invitation to talk is almost always met with an open and honest response. In part, because the word “imagine” suggests that you will listen to whatever they say without judgment, analysis, or opinion, thereby making it safe to talk to you.

Hopefully they will trust you and talk a little about what they’re experiencing.

Keep that conversation short and when you feel the moment is right, you can introduce them to The Grief Recovery Handbook.

But before that, here’s something we suggest you do. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read the first 58 pages [Part One]. Then you can offer them your copy of the book with the following statement – “Here’s a book that I found to be really helpful. I thought you might benefit from it also.” By doing it that way, you’re not suggesting that there’s anything wrong with them, just that they might find something of value in the book.

Hopefully, as they read those pages, they’ll get a sense of hope that recovery is possible, and they’ll move towards taking the actions the book outlines.

One caution: The book calls for people to work in partnerships. However, it is never a good idea for husband and wife to work together. And especially not when they had different and unique relationships with their son who died. This is a circumstance where you might volunteer to be partner with one of them in the process the book outlines.

You are free to contact us as this unfolds for any guidance we can provide.