Time to Let Florida Secede

Miami will fittingly strike first.

SeriouslyGuys documented earlier this month how crazed and/or bored Internet users in mostly Southern states filed petitions to secede from the United States almost immediately after President Barack Obama won reelection. Of course, many Web sites like ours joked about letting those mostly former Confederate states go their merry, debt-filled, uninsured way.

Look, nobody most people weren’t really serious about that. Not really, anyway. While, yes, things would be simpler if the states that require the most federal money, yet never want to pay for it, struck it out on their own, we wouldn’t be the same country. Deep fried Oreos would be reclassified as “ethnic food” just because it comes from another country, and our nation’s foodies eat enough fried foreign tripe as it is.

But, what about Florida?

It’s tempting to brush the thought off as reheated jokes from 2000 … but wouldn’t any other state have gotten their shit together in the twelve years since they attempted to derail democracy in America? Not Florida. Consider that in 2012, when even phones are smarter, Florida still managed to take nearly a month to settle what should have been a routine Congressional election.

Make no mistake, though: Florida’s questionable election practices is merely the Charlie Parker record I’m playing to set the mood. I’ve not yet begun to take this state to Poundtown.

Florida may be the most self-loathing of all states, having embraced a set of laws that allow armed citizens to cull their human population. What we call “vigilantes,” Floridians now call “ground-standing Americans.” Their latest example is Michael Dunn, who police have charged with murdering (but only to the second degree) an unarmed black teenager after opening fire on his friend’s car. Granted, he and his friends didn’t turn down their music even when a white man asked them to. Coupled with their skin color, this makes them a threat, and ground must be stood!

Unfortunately, Florida’s plan for more Florida per Floridian can only result in buyer’s remorse once the remaining state citizens realize what they’ve fought for. Fortunately, Florida is also unable to research birth control, so those numbers should go back up, no matter how many neighborhood watch captains they appoint.

Their latest attempt, aptly titled “Florida’s Women’s Contraception Use Survey,” managed to rankle their own media for simply asking the appropriate party, Florida’s women, to anonymously confirm or deny their use of contraceptives. When one survey went to a woman under the age of 18, a demographic that never has sex, the state Department of Health was forced to rescind a second mailing.

So, if we keep Florida, we keep the state that can neither control their penises or their penis metaphors. And can we really call them American if they still can’t get the basics like voting down? Perhaps it’s time to castrate the United States before it can get us in trouble again.

Movember Update: The Final Days

I call this, “Teddy Roosevelt, if he wore a V-neck and complained about having too many remote controls.”

This is it! After 28 days, my mustache is as full and molestery as it’s gonna get, and there’s only two days left to make your donation. I’ve jeopardized my sex life and continued employment, but it’s all been worth it thanks to your support.

Together, we’ve raised $810 dollars, all of which goes to the Prostate Cancer Foundation, Livestrong and the Movember Foundation. And, with my two teammates, we’ve raised a cool $1,000 dollars for the cause!

It’s not too late to help, though. Do you want to wake up December 1st and say to yourself, “Self, I meant to donate to Movember 2012, but I just ran out of time?” Of course not! If you can donate, go to my Movember page while it’s still fresh on your mind.

And if you can’t donate, but shared the page with your friends, rated my mustache or didn’t use my picture to teach your kids about Stranger Danger, then thank you!