ANOTHER FIVER STORY WITH NO JOKES ABOUT "YOUNG BOYS", OR JOKES ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER

The Fiver is all for a spot of misplaced triumphalism. If we manage to go three hours sober, what better way to celebrate than sprinting down to the local AA meeting to moon and flick V signs at its participants? Yes, The Fiver likes tooting its own horn, so we're well placed to empathise with Peter Crouch's tub-thumping after Tottenham heroically swept into Big Cup group stages at Young Boys' expense last night. "We want massive games," trumpeted the beanpole striker. "We want Real Madrid and Inter." Indeed, Peter. First Young Boys. Now the world.

Crouch, who used his occasional powers of scoring for good last night as he bagged a hat-trick, appeared to be labouring under the misapprehension that in one fell swoop, Tottenham had tonked Barcelona 10-0, solved world hunger, cured cancer and foiled Marvin the Martian's fiendish plot to blow up the world with his life-ending, earth-shattering laser beam, rather than beating a bunch of Swiss clodhoppers who are languishing in seventh place in their domestic league. Which, for the fourth-best team and self-proclaimed title contenders in the Best League In The World, is kind of the bare minimum, wouldn't you say?

While the Fiver would like to report that notorious wall-flower 'Arry Redknapp was similarly brash, the Tottenham manager was altogether more level-headed. "I'll just go home and have a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea,"he revealed to, the Fiver imagines, wife Sandra's considerable disappointment.

Redknapp was in such phlegmatic mood that, perhaps inspired by the ongoing Edinburgh Festival, he decided last night was the perfect time to try out a new comedy routine. "I won't be pushing the chairman to spend his money, not a chance. People think I keep liking to sign players but that's not the truth at all," he deadpanned, to raucous applause, omitting his usual punchline, that Spurs only had two points from eight games when he took over.

Still, maybe Redknapp really isn't after any more players. Tottenham are as dangerous as anyone at home at the moment, have the outstanding Gareth Bale and also possess Jermain Defoe's new-found ability to handle the ball, score and escape the sort of vitriol bestowed upon Thierry Henry for doing precisely the same thing, because he's English and anyway, it was a foreigner wot reffed the game.

So this evening's draw, set to take place in Monaco at the Fiver-trumping time of 5pm, presumably so Uefa suits can fully digest their six-hour banquet of duck confit, lobster omelettes and opulence sundaes, may bring more good news for Tottenham. They are in pot three and will draw at least one of Barcelona, Bayern Munich, Inter, Lyon or Milan in pot one. With Real Madrid in pot two, the worst-case scenario would be being pitted against both them and Inter, despite Crouch's bravado. But that's the worst-case scenario and if Tottenham do avoid a fate crueller than being taken hostage with James Corden, they could well reach the knock-out stages. In a world where the words "Amanda Holden" and "talent judge" regularly feature in the same sentence, stranger things have happened.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I sent an offer [for Javier Mascherano] to Liverpool by fax on Tuesday and I am waiting for a reply from them" - Inter manager Rafa Benitez shows his willingness to embrace the latest advances in modern telecommunications, while gazing wistfully out his office window in search of a carrier pigeon winging its way from Anfield.

BACKING THE BID: A FIFA DELEGATE SPEAKS

"One thing Fifa are particularly focused on is accommodation as we need a very high number of quality rooms. This is why we ask all bidders for a certain number of contracted hotel rooms. We trust that you will be able to fulfil the necessary requirements" - Chilean federation president Harold Mayne-Nicholls, the head of Fifa's six-man team inspecting England's World Cup 2018 bid.

1,300,000: the number of over-priced hotel bed nights out of 1,900,000 reservations relinquished pre-tournament by Match Services, who had the contract for accommodation and ticket sales for South Africa 2010, as well as links to Fifa president Sepp Blatter's nephew, Philippe.

£66 HAT-TRICK OF FREE BETS WITH BLUE SQUARE

FIVER LETTERS

"Re: 24-hour rolling news coverage of a lady putting a cat in a bin (yesterday's Fiver). Surely all she was doing is helping Coventry's litter problem?" - Steve Fletcher.

"I had quite literally just finished reading the opening paragraph of the Young Boys Fiver when Adrian Chiles summed up the first half with the comments: 'It's men against boys in more ways than one and Spurs are surely home and dry in the wet'. If ever there was a reason to resurrect your STOP FOOTBALL campaign, then surely he's it. Here's hoping that in an hour's time it's not just Jermain that can get back to watching EastEnders of a midweek evening" - Gordon MacLeod.

"If Jermain Defoe is concerned about watching EastEnders on a Tuesday and Wednesday evening, he's only got half the worries he thinks he has. My wife assures me that it's normally on on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, but not on Wednesdays. Still, there's always Emmerdale or Hollyoaks, or he could try How To Look Good Naked" - Jim Davies.

BITS AND BOBS

Having sulked out Sevilla's Big Cup qualifier exit at the hands of Braga because he wanted a big money move to Arsenal, Sebastien Squillaci has proved that tantrums can help make your dreams come true.

Possibly because he's heard not even Dirk Kuyt wants to degrade himself by playing for them any more, Hong Kong based businessman Kenny Huang says he has "completely abandoned" his bid to gain control of Liverpool.

Chelsea defender Michael Mancienne has passed up the opportunity to become a member of the Fiver's touring Milli Vanilli tribute act to rejoin Wolves on a season-long loan deal from Chelsea.

Pope's O'Rangers striker Nikica Jelavic has been granted a work permit and will get to see the error of his ways first hand against St Johnstone this weekend.

And Tottenham striker Jermain Defoe has admitted using a mobile while driving in Essex to Witham magistrates, not the first time he's been caught on the blower in his car this year.

WIN FUNNY BOOK ABOUT UNTALENTED MAN

"Everything was going well and according to plan, until I five-putted from eight feet at the second." This is how infamous renegade golfer Maurice Flitcroft explained a score of 63 over nine holes at the 1983 Open.

The most useless British sportsman ever? Possibly. But to be fair, he had little chance to hone his skills: unable to meet the cost of golf club membership, he practised on the local school fields, where he spent most of his time being chased by gangs of feral schoolchildren, the janitor, and the police, occasionally being forced to cower under cover of woodland like a wretched animal.