The Munsters (1964) s01e08 Episode Script

Herman the Great

Now, Wilbur, I'll show you something special. [Chuckles] [Metal Creaking] There you go, Wilbur. Gee, thanks, Mr. Munster. Well, Eddie, I, uh, can't sit around here tying knots all day. The car has a flat, and I promised Grandpa I'd hold it up while he changes the tire. Good-bye, Wilbur. Good-bye, sir. Boy, Eddie, you got the neatest father in the whole neighborhood. Jerry, look. If we can sign up this guy, Herman Munster, we'll have the greatest gimmick in wrestling since the Swedish Angel. Yeah. Why, he ties knots in steel bars. A-A-And lifts automobiles off the ground. Mm-hmm. No, his kid goes to school with my Wilbur. No, I haven't met him yet, but believe me, when he climbs into the ring, he'll have the people falling in the aisles. Oh. This Chinese tea always acts up when we put it in the Russian samovar. That certainly was a very nice dinner you served tonight, Lily. Oh, thank you, dear. Oh, the soup was delicious. But the croutons kept crawling out of the bowl. Don't worry about that, Grandpa. They always come back. Lily, uh, uh, did you read this article? It says here that 35% of the parents who want to send their children to college don't have the money when the time comes. Oh, that shouldn't worry us now, Herman. Eddie won't be ready for college for a long time yet. No, but it says we should start planning now. Set a little bit aside every year. Back in the Old Country, we always buried a little something in the backyard for a rainy day. You know, Eddie should go to college. After all, his father was a college man. How long were you at the Heidelburg University, dear? How long? I was in their medical school for six years in several different jars. Yes, Lily, your husband was a man of parts. You know, we've got to send Eddie to college, even if it means I have to borrow the money. [Grandpa] Telephone. What? The telephone in the hall? It's about to ring. Why wait till the last minute? Oh. Thank you, Grandpa. [Phone Ringing] [Ring] [Ring] [Ring] Hello? Mr. Ramsey? Wilbur's father. Mr. Munster, I have a proposition to make you. Really? A proposition? I hope that's not another salesman on the phone, trying to sell cemetery plots. We have enough trouble making the payments on this place without thinking of resort property. Well, I could, uh, use the $200 or $300 extra a week, but wrestling? [Chuckles] My goodness. What would my family and friends think? If it's your friends and family you're worried about, nobody has to know. We'll put a hood over your head and bill you as The Masked Marvel. It'll be a great gimmick. The Masked Marvel? Uh, you mean, nobody could see my face? Well, I sure could use the money. Uh, I just might go for it. Uh, listen, Mr. Ramsey. Just give me a few days to get in shape, and I'll get in touch with you. Mum's the word, now. Bye. He ties knots in steel bars and needs to get in shape? [Laughing] Our problems are solved. When you grow up, you're gonna go to college after all. Oh, isn't that wonderful. Now maybe you'll grow up to be half the man your father is. Oh, boy! You're gonna be your daddy's big, smart, successful son. [Laughs] [Crash] [Laughing] Gee, Dad, do it again. Will ya? Huh? [Pounding] There goes Uncle Herman with that pounding again. I wish he'd tell us what he's doing down there in the lab. He's been spending most of his time down there now for three days. He won't even let me in. He says he's just in training for his new job. I wonder what he meant when he said it's night work. There's only one decent kind of night work I know of, and I haven't done any since I left the Old Country. Ah, for the good old days on the graveyard shift. [Pounding Continues] There he goes again. [Crash] [Growls] [Growls] [Yells] [Chuckles] [Squeaking] Hmph! Igor, will you go away? Can't you see I'm busy? [Squeaking Continues] It's not Igor, Herman. It's me. I just had to fly down here to see what you're up to. Grandpa, don't you know that curiosity killed the bat? But satisfaction brought him back. Oh, wrestling. Now, this is the night work you've been coming down here training for. Grandpa, I didn't want anyone to know. Some promoter's offered me $300 a week if I'll appear as The Masked Marvel. [Laughs] The Masked Marvel? You, a wrestler? You won't even draw flies. Oh, on the contrary, I'm sure I will. But why you? Of all people, lowering the Munster dignity. Because I want my son to go to college. [Sighs] I misjudged you, Herman. But don't worry. I won't tell anyone your secret. Shh. Thank you, Grandpa. Thank you. Uh, but now I gotta be sure I'm in shape. I'm due in the arena tonight. [Spits Twice] I guess I'd better quit. I don't wanna overtrain. [Clamoring] [Crowd Cheering] [Bell Rings] And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the featured match of the evening on our all-star wrestling card, presenting on my left, at 270 pounds, standing 6 foot 4, our local champion, Tarzan McGirk. [Bell Rings] And as his opponent tonight, Tarzan takes on a newcomer, weighing 387 pounds, a mystery mangler The Masked Marvel! [Crowd Jeering] [Bell Rings] Your referee for the main event this evening will be TigerJoe Marsh. [Crowd Cheering] [Crowd Jeering] Uh, how do you do? Pleased to meet you. - Huh? - Back to your corners. All right, here we go. Tarzan McGirk, The Masked Marvel. Okay, wrestle! [Bell Rings] Grandpa, do we have to watch wrestling? Well, I just thought wrestling might be nice for a change. Yeah, leave it on. Wrestling's my favorite show. They begin to circle one another as each looks for an opening. [Crowd Cheering] Uh-oh, Tarzan McGirk clamps on his famous headlock. Yes, there's action here tonight. Hey, that Tarzan guy's neat. He always plays the good guy. But that other fellow with the mask, he's so much bigger. [Grandpa Mouthing Words] Working hard at it. Oh, oh! The sleeping giant has come to life! Look at that big bully. Come on, Tarzan. Don't let him do that. The Masked Marvel is really mad. [Continues, Indistinct] He has completely dominated the match. Here we go. [Continues, Indistinct] And just look at him go at Tarzan McGirk! No! No! Come on! No! Boo! Boo! McGirk goes down again! He's such a brute. I can't watch. What's he doing? The back vault! Wow! Ladies and gentlemen, now The Masked Marvel is really mad. Oh, oh. Doesn't look as though he has a chance. [Crowd Jeering] The Masked Marvel is really something. This is the match of the century. I'm certainly glad that Masked Marvel got the worst of it. I am too. They shouldn't let a big bully like that in the ring. McGirk won. I can't understand it. I do, Grandpa. I think the bad guy was supposed to win. But that Masked Marvel's so dumb, he forgot he was the bad guy and let that good guy win. Oh, well, I'm not feeling so well. I think I'll take a ride in the car. Yeah, and on the way home, I'll pick up Herman from work. Grandpa, couldn't you just give us a little hint about what kind of work he's in? L-I'm sorry, Lily. I can't. But I can tell you this though. That boy is sure starting at the bottom. I can't understand it, Herman. I saw the match on television. I haven't seen such a dive since I was forced down by a vulture over Transylvania. Grandpa, I just couldn't help myself. Every time I got Tarzan McGirk down on the mat, he talked to me. Talked to you? Yeah. Well, I didn't have the heart to beat him. Do you know that he's supporting four children? And that his wife's sister is living with them? And that he has to send his sick grandmother in Ireland money for medical expenses? What kind of medical expenses? Oh, it's pathetic. She's too poor to afford a doctor, so every week she buys nine dollars worth of moldy bread and makes her own penicillin. Oh, boy! And for this you threw the fight! I didn't throw the fight. L-I just couldn't be mean to McGirk after he told me all his troubles. He's really a very nice man. His troubles? What about your troubles? Eddie's education is at stake. You've gotta climb into that ring, son, not as Herman Munster but as every proud father fighting for his little boy. This is not just a wrestling match. This is a shining crusade. A contest on the battlefield of life that will leave you a stronger and nobler person. Really? Of course. The next bum comes along, get in there and kick him in the teeth! [Wind Whistling] Boy, you should have been here last night, Pop. We watched wrestling on television. Yes, Herman, they had some big awful bully called The Masked Marvel. Yeah, he was clobbering some guy smaller than him, but then The Masked Marvel turned chicken and rolled over on his back. I've never seen anything like it, Uncle Herman. Yeah, Pop, you should have been here to see that big dope coward. Yeah, yeah, I should have been here. Well, how could he be here? He was away working on his new job. That's right. I can't be in two places at once anymore. Herman, I've been looking up colleges for Eddie, for when he grows up, and I wanna go over them with you. Please, Lily. Let's just see how the new job works out before we decide on a school. Herman's right. One thing at a time. You know the old saying: No sense in putting the hearse before the horse. [Crowd Cheering] I tell ya if I lose this match, my son has to drop out of med school. Uh, good heavens, man! Why didn't you tell me? [Crowd Cheering] [Bell Rings] [Crowd Jeering] Break it up! I said break it up! But if they repossess my sister's banjo, she'll be kicked out of the Boston Symphony. Really? L-I had no idea. [Crowd Cheering] [Bell Rings] But I've gotta get my kid brother the plane fare to Africa. Albert Schweitzer needs him. [Crowd Cheering] Hey, boss, when you gonna dump this Munster guy? He's lost eight matches in a row. Even the crowd's getting tired of booing him. Look, Jerry, I've got one more gimmick that might appeal to the fans. Beginning tonight, I'm offering $50 a minute to any cluck from the audience for as long as he can stay in the ring with The Masked Marvel. Uh, what is it I'm supposed to do again, Mr. Hansen? Strangler, you saw the sign outside. Fifty bucks a minute for any amateur who stays in the ring with this guy. Well, tonight, you walk up like any schnook from the audience and toss him around for about 25 minutes. Yeah, but, uh, this guy's pretty big. What if I can't handle him? Well, how did you handle the other guys uh, Iron Man Mallory, Benny Sampson and Charlie the Choker? You put sleeping pills in their drinking water. Okay. So tonight I do the same thing to The Masked Marvel. I'm gonna dump this whole bottle in the water cooler in his dressing room. He'll be so groggy, your biggest problem will be keeping him awake during the match. You're sure a smart fella, Mr. Hansen. But ain't this just a little bit dishonest? Fifty dollars a minute. We walk out with 1,250 bucks. I withdraws the question. Oh, Eddie, you're not going to turn on wrestling again tonight. I don't think I can watch that Masked Marvel one more time. He's nothing but a bully and a coward, and he loses all the time. I know, but the paper says it's amateur night. I just wanna watch this one match. Who knows? The big dope might win this time. [Bell Rings] Ladies and gentlemen, a nonprofessional from the audience, Mr. John Smith versus The Masked Marvel for $50 a minute. [Crowd Cheering] Boy, this is gonna be good tonight. I hope Grandpa gets back in time to see it. The Masked Marvel and the challenger from the audience. Wait a minute, Eddie. Isn't that Grandpa there? Well, it is.! I didn't know Grandpa was this interested in wrestling. It looks like the battle of titans here tonight, folks. This is really a match, folks. Wow! He may be an amateur, but if he ever manages to sit on that Masked Marvel, the match will be over. Wow, thatJohn Smith is murdering him. Look at that big oaf. He's not even fighting back. Come on, Herman. Don't let him do that. Stay with it, Strangler. Strangler? Now, Herman, what kind of a sob story did this guy tell you? You're letting him kill you. Who's letting him? I can hardly see him. [Yawns] I'm so sleepy, I can barely stand up. [Herman Yelling] That That smarts! Marilyn, doesn't that sound like Herman? [Herman Groaning On TV] Yes, it does, Aunt Lily. [Announcer, Indistinct] [Eddie] Hey, that is Daddy. Heavens to betsy. This This must be the night work he's been doing. Come on, Pop. Clobber 'im! Come on, Uncle Herman. Don't let him do that to you. Come on. Don't let him do that! Hit him! Come on! [Herman Yelling] Come on, Murphy! Give it to him, Strangler. The pills are working. We got it made! Murphy? Strangler? You mean that's Strangler Murphy, who was suspended in Chicago for bringing tire chains into the ring? No. It just spilled out. That's John Smith, that's who it is. So, you brought a ringer in, huh? That's Strangler Murphy! He's no amateur. It's a frame-up! [Crowd Jeering] [Announcer On TV, Indistinct] Uh-oh, what's Grandpa gonna do? I don't know, but he better do it quick. You wanna play games? I'll show you how to play games. Abracadabra, acey-docey, alakazam and Bela Lugosi! [Electrical Surge] Boss, we gotta stop the fight. Are you kidding? No, no, no. There's a fire broke out in the storage room out back. Al and the boys are trying to put it out. Look. This is the best attraction we ever had. Tell 'em to close the fire door. That oughta hold it back till the fight's over. But, Duke Go do it, will you? Bombs away, Herman! Hey, Munster! We got a little fire out in back. Really? Yeah, yeah. You gotta make an announcement to clear the arena. I'll I'll try. Good. Ladies and gentlemen, you must leave. [Herman Continues, Indistinct] Uh Uh, you see uh Was that quick enough for you, Mr. Ramsey? Mr Mr. Ramsey? Mr. Ramsey? Mr. Ramsey? "Last night at the Meadow Brook Stadium, "a newcomer to the wrestling game, Herman Munster, "persuaded a capacity crowd to clear the building in five seconds flat, "thus preventing a panic, when a small fire was discovered backstage. "Fire Chief Davenport has awarded Mr. Munster the city's annual $1,000 Fire Safety Award for his heroic action." Oh, that's wonderful, Uncle Herman! You must have done some quick thinking, dear. I don't really remember too much about it. I was kind of groggy at the time. I guess in the emergency, I just said the right thing. And you really clobbered that other wrestler, Pop. You're the bravest guy in the whole world. Thank you, Eddie. Uh, but, Eddie, I did it all for you. And that thousand dollars is going in our vault as a beginning on your college fund. Gee, thanks, Pop. You're swell. Toss me up in the air again, will ya? All righty. [Chuckles] Up we go! [Laughs] Oh, don't worry, Herman. Have your hotcakes. He'll be down before breakfast is over.