Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

Mixed message

A man had just moved to Alaska and wanted to fit in with the locals. So he went into a bar asked, "How can I become a true Eskimo?"

The bartender said, "There are three things you must do.

"1. You have to drink a keg of our beer.

"2. You have to be intimate with an Eskimo girl.

"3. You have to wrestle a grizzly bear."

So the man drank the keg of beer and ran off into the woods. The next night he was back, all scratched, ragged and bloody. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Now, where is this Eskimo girl I have to wrestle?"

Cookie caper

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in for 2 pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only 1 pound. I suggest you check your scales."

The baker replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."

Osama's diary

Some of David Letterman's Top 10 jokes should remain in their late-night time slot, but here are selections from a recent round of Top 10 surprises in the Osama bin Laden diary, compliments of www.cbs.com.

* Always dotted the "i" in "Jihad" with a smiley face.

* Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding.

* Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard.

* Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect.

* Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs.

Sure sign

Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Wasted wishes

A man awakes to find himself lying by the side of a desolate country road. As he regains his bearings, he discovers that he has no memory of who he is or how he came to be there. As he stumbles about unsure of himself, a genie appears beside him and says "What is your third wish, master?"

Confused, the man asks "Who are you, and why can't I remember anything?"

"I am your genie," the genie replies. "You are here because your second wish was to forget who you are and to be taken far away from everything you once knew. Now, my master, what is your third wish?"

"My third wish," answers the man, "is to remember everything about who I am."

The genie laughs.

"What's so funny?" asks the man.

The genie replies, "That was your first wish."

Source of trouble

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."

Waiting game

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

Case in point

A man and woman are having marriage problems and, unable to reconcile their differences, they decide to end their union. They go to court to finalize their breakup.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to this point so soon, that you are unable to keep your marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife says, "Seven weeks."

A way with words

Notable quotes from Yogi Berra:

* Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise they won't come to yours."

* "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

* "If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

* "No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

* "We made too many wrong mistakes."

* "You can observe a lot by just watching."

* "I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4."

* "It gets late early out here."

* "It's deja vu all over again."

* "I didn't really say everything I said."

Current events

Donald Trump has officially declared his noncandidacy for president. Here's a roundup of some of the best digs at The Donald from http://politicalhumor.about.com.

* "Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late-night comedians." - Conan O'Brien

* "Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth certificate to make sure that it's real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump's hair." - Jimmy Fallon

* "They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas." - Jon Stewart

* "Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won 'Apprentice.' Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands." - Conan O'Brien

* "If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One." - Jimmy Kimmel

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.