Sports

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN–Michigan holder Garrett Moores is fucking sick of giving little pep talks to his team’s kicker every time he misses a field goal, sources confirmed during Saturday’s game between Michigan and Purdue.

NASHVILLE, TN—Stressing the importance of the fan base’s health and wellbeing, Vanderbilt University chancellor Nicholas Zeppos advised Commodore football fans Thursday to get vaccinated before the team’s Southeastern Conference road schedule begins next week.

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

OAKLAND, CA—Saying that team doctors had confirmed their worst fears after initially seeing the color commentator pull up lame, CBS revealed Sunday that Dan Fouts would miss the remainder of the regular season after blowing out his larynx on a routine anecdote.

CHICAGO—Disappointed and irritated by his half-hearted display of fandom, sources reported Tuesday that local man Paul Winslow must have thought that it was enough to wear a Chicago Blackhawks jersey to a Chicago Cubs game.

NEW YORK—Demonstrating their callous indifference to human suffering, the cruel broadcast gods ripped away CBS’ bonus coverage of Sunday’s game between the Raiders and Titans, sources confirmed this afternoon.

NFL Fans Excited To Finally Bitch About Regular Referees

NEW YORK—After three controversy-filled weeks, the NFL finally reached a deal with its locked-out officials Thursday, sparking waves of excitement from fans longing to bitch and complain about non-replacement referees again. “It’s about damn time, I was starting to wonder if I’d ever get the chance to call the regular refs a bunch of blind-as-fuck dipshits again,” said Jets fan Herb Krzynski, adding that it “just hasn’t felt the same” threatening to injure replacement officials in the parking lot after games. “Honestly, it was hurting the integrity of the game to have us terrorizing the family members of those replacement referees on Facebook. It’s going to feel so much better doing that to the normal referees.” When reached for comment, several of the replacement referees also expressed their excitement to return to officiating at high school and junior college games where they get bitched at by real fans instead of “drunk corporate pricks in $900 seats.”

More from this section

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook.