August 2, 2012

There are several kinds of problem listings we enjoy digging into. There’s the traditional crapshack, which is a house that’s basically a really ugly and old box (and it needs work, too). There’s the perfectly acceptable house with a price that would only attract buyers if it were in pesos instead of dollars. There’s the very high end custom place that’s a dream home for the owner but quirky as all get out for anyone else. This house also has a cousin, the high end custom home where the builder/owner went broke trying to finish it.

Today’s listing is a different kind of fail. This is the house that got a little too foo-foo for the neighborhood, and maybe a little too cute for its own good. Let’s see what awaits in our favorite Sunnyvale zip code.

Yes, turn the key! Walk right in and see what awaits inside this Mediterranean style custom home. That is, if “Mediterranean style” means that the bedrooms are downstairs and the living room, dining room and kitchen are upstairs. That will make it so much easier for your teenage children to sneak their friends into their rooms without you ever knowing!

But if you head over to the virtual tour, the description there is a little different:

A Canadian Style Dream Home in Sunnyvale

Huge Price Reduction! Best Value in Sunnyvale with Cupertino Schools!
This elegant custom home features a dramatic entry way with double
doors, soaring ceilings in the foyer and a curved staircase that leads to gracious living areas. In addition to the master bedroom suite there are two other spacious suite bedrooms with attached baths. Many upgrades includes: crown moulding, dual zone heating and air conditioning, Bay alarm, custom drapery, and so much more.

So “Canadian Style” means private rooms near the front door, public rooms up the winding stairway, and sure hope you like this carpet pattern because it’s in just about every room in the house? Plus the kitchen ought to have special bacon and donut storage.

Speaking of the kitchen, this area at left is called the “kitchen dining” spot. You can tell this by its breezy informal elan, as contrasted with the formal dining room above.

Now at this point you’re probably wondering why this house hasn’t sold at twice the price yet. Not only is it Mediterranean/Canadian style, but there’s those world-famous Cupertino schools (note API scores featured right in the listing copy!).

And speaking of Fremont, that’s also the name of the street this house is also on, which is simply fantastic. Think of all the people whizzing by who get to admire your house! Fremont is wide and inviting, so you’d be living on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées, Sunnyvale style!

#2- When this was built in 2007, a buyer would have written a 25 page letter to the seller telling him what a great design the place has, also describing the seller’s great taste in decor. That 25 page letter would also discuss the endless possibilities regarding the children’s education being paid with the ample “over-bidding.”

There are kawlums in this house, I just can’t tell exactly what kind of kawlums they are. Look at pictures 5-7 on Redfin (one is shown above); can’t figure out if those are even the same kawlums. 5 & 6 look svelte and 7 looks more filled out.

#2 and 3, no builder would have created this horrible floor plan without a sure payday at the end. The property last sold in 2006, so the owners hired the builder to do their bidding. I don’t know what they could have been thinking. Sometimes, you’d do the “upside down” layout for a view, but that clearly isn’t the case here. But what do you expect from people who put hotel carpeting throughout their house?

Silly me – with opulence and grandeur like that I saw the lot size and thought they meant the total square footage. Of course, with most McMansions, they’re basically one and the same as you can stick your arm out your bathroom window and touch your neighbor’s house.

I love streets like that. Quiet little houses, all in a row, and here’s the builder who just had to wave his dick around in the air YEEEHAWWWW!

An open house this weekend: “Saturday, August 4, 2012 1:00 PM – 4:00 PM (Source: MLS) Best Value in Sunnyvale especially for a custom home. A very special opportunity to see one of the best homes in Sunnyvale. This home is AMAZING! The finest attention to details in this custom home.”

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