~ BDSM & Vanilla Sexual Delights

Monthly Archives: April 2015

I have been thinking about my husband this past week as it has been four years since he passed away. I was never in love with him or him with me. Together we forged a really good friendship and I think that is why we rarely if ever fought or disagreed. I was thinking of the day I found out he was dying and I realized he wasn’t even aware that his life was almost over.

We were going through a divorce and he had been seeing the dr. and she had told him he was with leukemia and he had the worse type. When I visited him in the hospital the dr. walked in and introduced herself to me and she told me how sick my husband was. I looked at her with shock and asked her how long he had.

She looked at me and then him and I could tell by the pleading in her eyes that she didn’t want either of us to ask that question that a dr. hates to answer. My husband asked her how long? A year? Six months? and the dr. said one month. I was floored, the wind knocked out of me with a baseball bat, reality became to real for me at that moment.

The dr. walked out of the room and I sat down on the hospital bed next to my husband. I looked into his eyes and I could no longer control myself, I could no longer hold back the tears. I bent over and put my head in his lap and I cried, yes I cried like a baby as I didnt want him to die.

My attorney and I had talked and said if he died it would make things so much easier and yes most of us going through an ugly break up at one time or another which our significant other would die. How many people actually are faced with such a thing happening?

Looking back I guess my luck has always been bad and yes if it could go wrong it always did in my life. I can honestly say I have never felt guilty for wanting him to die because it is very common for people to feel the way I did in the situation we were in at that time.

Did I want him to die? No, I was angry and he had made my life a living hell. Does that justify me wanting him dead, no it doesnt but I am human and being so makes me fallible and say and do things that are regrettable. I do miss my husband as he and I grew together and experienced so much together.

We grew as individuals as well as a couple and it is hard to walk away from that regardless how angry two people are at each other. There are days I miss him terribly but I have to admit that I am happier without him in my life and I know the man I am meant to be with is walking closer to me every day.

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The 26th of April was the four year anniversary of my husband’s demise. It doesn’t matter how our relationships end they always affect us the same way. We go through the grieving process and no it isnt easy.

I lost my husband to physical death but so many loose their relationships to divorce which is another form of demise except the person is living. I woke up and mechanically I walked to my sliding glass door and peered out.

I looked out over the field of green and the haze hung dangerously low to the ground. I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I felt so lost, so defeated and so let down. A marriage is meant to last or so that is what I had thought. We share so much with that one person, so many firsts.

The pain lingers for way to long as every holiday or anniversary settles within us and yanks at our heart. Even though we may be happier apart from our other half there is so much sadness that follows us.

We need to learn to forgive each other as well as forgive ourselves because when the anger subsides the truth emerges. We must accept that we once loved that person very much and they were our everything.

When the dust settles and we are finally unhinged from our partner permanently we need to look toward our future. We need to learn to move on by ourselves, no one to care for us when we are hurting, when we are ill, when we need someone to listen.

So many say we should be happy when the divorce is finally over and we are free but it doesn’t work that way. We feel a tremendous loss, tremendous sadness as a part of our life is over and a part of us lost forever.

We realize that we shared so many important days of our lives with that person and it hurts to know that we will do that no more. We may be dating someone younger and we enjoyed the spontaneity of the relationship especially the sex.

The reality hits us that we are not happy with someone so much younger than we are and we do not want to continue living our own inflicted lie. We want a relationship with someone more our age, someone actually more like our ex.

We feel the need to live out our dream with someone closer to our age and maturity and we realize that we are getting older. We need to go after our dreams and live out our golden years with that one special person that waits in the wings for us, our dream mate, our soulmate.

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The wonder years to me is every year of my life as I wonder what is yet to come. What am I yet to experience, to share with others, to learn. Life hasn’t been very good to me but I have learned much from the lessons thrown my way.

Those that I have loved have been taken away from me so early in my life. I feel cheated in so many ways but everything that happens to us is another stepping stone taking us closer to where we truly belong.

I could easily sit back and feel sorry for myself and want others to pity me but that isn’t going to make me happy or make my life better. Some thing money will make their lives complete, some think fame is the answer.

My wonder years have taught me that neither fame nor fortune comforts us when we need it the most. We will never feel whole and complete if we are relying on the lottery to give us what we need.

I continue to go through each year wondering if this will be the year that brings me completeness. If this will be the year that I meet up with my soul mate and my life finally feels complete.

I have gone through so many changes in the last four years and tomorrow is the four-year anniversary of my husband’s demise. If you lose a partner through death or divorce the day they exited your life is never one to be forgotten.

I know my daughter will feel her dad’s loss but I don’t know if my son will be aware that it is the four-year anniversary. I have grown leaps and bounds but the road has not been one of ease.

I have not welcomed a man into my bed in the last four years because I haven’t found a man who grabs my interest. There hasn’t been a man who has stood in front of me that I felt the desire to drop my panties for.

It will take a pretty special man to get close to me, to touch me emotionally as well as physically. When I finally do make that move he is going to someone who will be getting the best that I have to give.

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I stayed in a marriage not out of love but out of commitment to my children and I did all the things a vanilla mother was expected to do. My children went to Catholic school and I was the mother that was involved with school.

I worked full time, cooked dinner for the family, did homework with my children and gave them baths and hugs every night. Was I happy? No, I was not but I stayed as I wanted my children to have something I never had, a mom and a dad that loved them.

Some of us are very spiritual and we have the ability to know things that others do not. I am one of those people, I know there is a soulmate for me and I know he knows that he is for me. He questions himself way to much and he does what is expected of him.

Like me, he lives for others and their happiness is in the forefront of his life. He must accept himself for who he is and what he wants. He will never be happy until he accepts himself for who he is and when he is true to himself he will find his life will be so enriched and filled with happiness.

We must stop living a lie and live the life that is ours and ours alone. We must walk away from what doesn’t serve us and walk into what does. We need to accept ourselves for who and what we are and then we will find true happiness that will take us to our final years with that one person we have waited for our entire lives.

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Today was interesting as I had a play partner that enjoyed cbt but couldn’t handle having his ass spanked with a paddle. I think it was because he was so skinny and had such a small ass and that made him so sensitive. He enjoyed being flogged and even enjoyed having me slap his balls from behind with the flogger as I ordered him to spread his legs as far apart as he could. I used long glue sticks on his back and ass as well as paddles.

I had him remove his clothing except for his sox as the tile floor is cold and I wanted him to be comfortable, my basement is finished and quite nice and the air was warm enough to make anyone feel cozy. I put my fur-lined handcuffs on each of his wrists and then I hooked each one to the eye screws in the ceiling and I chatted with him to get him to relax as I walked over to the table.

I picked up the blindfold and walked behind him and placed it over his head and covered his eyes. The excitement was obvious in his erect manhood and I could tell he hadn’t been laid in a very long time. I began to flog his back and down over his ass and down each leg and I ordered him to spread his legs as far apart as possible. He was very willing to do what I ordered and I rewarded him with bringing the flogger up between his legs slapping his balls and cock.

After a good flogging I moved onto a paddle and paddled his ass several times but it was apparent that he did not enjoy the paddling so I moved on to a leathe belt and gave him a few good cracks on the ass. I moved onto a smaller paddle and he didnt seem to enjoy that either so I used my feathers on him as feathers are so soft and made him relax. He liked a good flogging and then the feathers and his skin developed goose bumps as I went over every inch of his body.

He was a guy that liked toys that involved insertion into the bodies oral cavities but I made it clear that I do not do that as that is crossing a line. I do not do anything sexual with those that I play as it crosses the legal lines as well as dilutes the relationship. If I am involved with someone then and only then will I involve sex as that is something so sacred and special to me and I want it to be something I share with just one special person.

I could see he was enjoying himself immensely as there was a small puddle of pre cum on the floor in front of him which made me decide to try the tens unit. I picked up the tens unit case and removed it and asked him how he felt about trying it. He was open to trying it which made me spread his ass cheeks and apply one electrode next to his asshole and the other electrode next to his cock.

I turned it on and his asshole danced like it was in a competition, lol and he tried his best to get away from it but he couldn’t do to the handcuffs. He begged me to remove the electrodes and I did as he requested. I took it down a notch and put miniature clothes pins all over his cock and I ordered him not to cum or I would tens unit his ass again. He once again begged to have the clothes pins removed and I did.

I went over his body once again with my fluffy boa and the feathers and that was extremely enjoyable to him and I unhooked each hand from the ceiling and removed the cuffs from him. His time with me was up and I told him it was time for him to get dressed that our session had come to an end. He was quite happy and wanted to meet again but I told him to go home and go over the session in his mind and think about what else he would like to try.

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Where is he? The one that will stand by me and help me find my way in this cold, cruel world? Where is he I ask you to please lead him to me, show him where I am and tell him I need him as he needs me, stand by me my dear.

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The relationship with our family is the most important relationship we will ever build. As children we learn from our parents and siblings and we turn around and greet the world and others with the lessons of our youth.

The relationship we build with our siblings is quite different than the relationship we have with our parents. When we have a close relationship with one sibling it is truly you and them against the world.

Some sibling relationships are so strong that if one sibling turns against a parent or the parents then the other sibling follows suite. The sibling relationship can either be so so or extremely strong.

When you have that one special sibling in your life they become your life line, especially if your parents are deceased. You rely on that sibling for advice, to keep you straight, to stand tall next to you when you need their support.

The one thing that siblings are very right about are the people we involve ourselves with. Most will support your decision to file for divorce but they will not support you cheating, if they do support you then it is half hearted and only because they love you.

Sibling want to see each other happy and even if you do something that goes against the morals or ethics of your sibling they will support you. They want the best for you but to be honest they will never fully respect the person you are cheating with.

They will never fully support you if you are going through a divorce and start dating soemeon else. Unless they really dislike the person you are dating they will not tell you how much they do not like your “new mate”.

This is exactly why we should never introduce someone we are dating to our siblings, that is while we go through a break up. They already know that you are going through the steps that must be walked during a breakup.

They know that the person you spend your time with is nothing more than a stepping stone and they also know that if you are a man dating a new woman that more likely than not that girl wants to marry you.

Your sibling has a way of picking up on things that you cannot see or feel because your head is so full of breakup bullshit as I refer to it as. You go through so many different phases and it is a death, yes another death that must be dealt with.

Our siblings tend to point out the failings of our soon to be x spouse or the one we had been dating. Siblings do this to help us feel better about the choice to end the relationship.

They want us to know they are there for us and they will support our decisions even if they do not go along with their own morals or ethics. When you make that split you should never introduce the one you are dating to your family to soon.

Dont make the mistake of introducing someone new to your siblings until you are close to finalizing the demise of your relationship. The end of a long term relationship doesnt just involve you and your children it involves your siblings as well.

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The first thing that goes in a relationship is not the sex, no its something so intimate, so desirable and so required for a solid connection of two people. What would you think it is?

Hand holding? Nope, it is kissing and sharing a kiss is actually the first break in any relationship. When you no longer want to kiss the person of your affection you are essentially saying that you have lost interest in that person.

I constantly hear people complain about the lack of sex in their relationship but I never hear anyone complain about the lack of kissing. To me kissing is so important as it makes me feel romantic and when I kiss someone more than once, like making out I get physically excited.

If you think about it your first intimate moment with the opposite sex or even the same-sex if you are gay includes kissing. I love to kiss and when I kiss I generally touch the persons face as I kiss them.

There is something so romantic and sexy about touching the persons face and letting your hand slide down the side of their face and down their neck. There is something so exciting about touching the neck as it makes me think of their bare chest.

Once I start thinking of the bare chest I think of that person’s body and touching them in their entirety. I don’t know if I am the only one that thinks this way but I do get excited when my lips meet another.

If you only have sex without kissing then you have no relationship with that person. They are nothing but a piece of ass to you and you really lack the respect you should have for that person.

If you date someone and spend quite some time just kissing that says so much about you as a person. Anyone can kiss and fuck but how many will just kiss and not try to take it to the next level on the first or second date?

Kissing is so under rated and so many don’t even realize that they no longer kiss their mate on a regular basis but they sure notice the lack of sex. If you want to keep sex in your life than you need to keep kissing as kissing is an aphrodisiac that will land you in bed having sex.

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I got pregnant at 34 and yes I was on birth control but it didn’t matter. My husband was 45 and he didn’t want anymore children. It was up to me to do what I felt was best for myself and being 34 I was on the cusp of being to old to have children safely.

My husband was twice divorced and had fathered three children but I wasn’t privy to that information. I was only told about one marriage and two daughters and of course the youngest daughter came to live with us and threw it in my face about the son I didn’t know about.

My husband was no disciplinarian and he wanted me to discipline his daughter which was plain bullshit. This caused so much friction and problems and I told him he had to be a father to his daughter.

Things got so bad she ended up moving back with her mother and I was so thankful because the x-wife was a total pain in the ass. She was really pissed he had remarried and the girls wanted their parents to get back together of course.

My husband didn’t want to father anymore children but he also saw the advantage of me having his kid and marrying me. He saw the material shit I had and since he lost everything in his divorce I would be a great catch.

I had so much going for me and he wanted to sink his greedy fucking teeth into what I had. We married and I gave birth to my daughter and he fell in love with her. a little over a year later I practically had to tie him down to get me pregnant as he didn’t want to have sex.

There was no love between us but I was bound and determined not to raise a child without a sibling. I finally got pregnant and gave birth to my son and my husband had no interest in him what so ever.

My husband was at the age that his work was his world and he wanted to go to work and get the respect from the men that worked for him. He didn’t want to play the daddy with the kids and he didn’t want to change diapers.

Looking back the worse thing that could have happened is that I got pregnant because men don’t want to be fathers to a new family. Men want to raise their family and move on into another phase of their lives.

They don’t want the young, pregnant wife and they don’t want to start over with another family. They are happy to raise their kids and once that is done they want to do all of the things that they couldn’t as a young father.

Men don’t want to do three a.m. feedings and diaper changes, they don’t want to listen to a crying baby and they don’t want to alter their lives to accommodate a young child again.

I’m glad I have my children but I wish they had a different father because my husband didn’t want to be a father again. He didn’t want to be bothered with raising another family and the worse thing any woman can do is expect a man to want another family.

Some men think they are ok with having another family but when the baby comes and the crying begins they start wishing they had made a different decision. If you are a man dating a much younger woman be very careful as she will do everything possible to get knocked up.

She will lie to you and say she is happy just dating you but the truth is she is hoping to get pregnant every time she spreads her legs. She will “forget” to take her birth control and she is secretly hoping that she will accept your seed as her own.

Yes, it is sad but true young women will do what they have to get a man to marry them. They will lie and say whatever they have to so they can get your child within their body.

Once they are pregnant with your child then they expect you to marry them. This isn’t the 50’s and men no longer feel the need to marry a girl who is pregnant. Men no longer have to live in shame if they chose not to marry the girl who is with their child.

A smart man will not let a young woman get to close and begin to think that marriage is around the corner. A smart man will not let any woman trap them in a situation that they don’t want to be with for the rest of their lives.

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I have always been different from the other females in my life. I have always been very open and up front and I have always been honest. I also have always hidden the freak in me until I got older, like in my twenties.

I have always been a freak between the sheets as I have always experimented sexually. I have always been the type of woman who wanted to try something new as I never wanted my sex life to get boring.

I was never a woman who wanted the plain, vanilla boring sex life as I knew that my husband or significant other would want something new and unusual eventually. It’s important to keep your sex life fresh and new and to be open to what others consider kinky.

There is nothing kinky about trying new things sexually but so many seem to think anything that isn’t missionary is kinky. I don’t care if I am labeled a freak between the sheets because the one thing I never have had is a boring sex life because of me.

My husband always thought I was weird and unusual but he could never complain that I was boring sexually, in fact it was the opposite as he was boring as fuck, yes he was a boring fuck.

The most exploration he would do sexually is to fuck me on all fours. I got so bored I could have read a paragraph of any book before he was finished. He was a cum and go to sleep type of guy and I never want another boring sexual relationship like that again.

I havent had sex in like six years because I refuse to fuck anyone just to get off but I am getting to the point that I am just about ready to ride anyone that would stay still long enough to let me get on.

It’s so damn hard not to have sex with someone, anyone but I have these morals and ethics that control me and I am sure they have saved me from some nasty diseases. You have to be so careful in today’s world as people just do not care and will share their sexual diseases without so much as a blink of the eye.

There is nothing like a wonderful sexual relationship and without it you have nothing. When the sex dries up in the bedroom the relationship begins to head south and that is not a good thing.

I’m waiting for the freak in the sheets in the form of a male that will keep me happy between the sheets as well as out of them. I’m waiting for Mr. Right to make me laugh and make me feel happy again.

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I’m reaching the end of the semester at school and I am so looking forward to being done with my classes. The only class I am really enjoying is my spanish class because my instructor is so awesome.

She really cares and wants her students to understand not only the language but the lifestyle of Latinos. I made her tres leches cake for her birthday and she took some home to her esposo. He really enjoyed it and told her he wished she had brought more home.

I so enjoy feeding people so of course that really stroked my ego. Latinos are big on family and familia is numero uno in their eyes. Tengo no familia except my two children so holidays are especially lonely.

I know I have a soulmate out there somewhere and I have waited for so very long to meet him. It’s been a long, lonely road that I have walked and its time to experience some happiness.

I cannot wait to meet the one that will fill the emptiness in my heart, the one that I can tell all of my secrets to, the one I can trust and share my life with. I cannot wait to be with that one person that I can share my body mind and soul with.

I think the reason I have been alone so long is for me to learn, to learn how to maneuver difficult times in my life, learn to grow and make smart decisions, learn to do the right thing and just to learn period.

I wish God would realize that I have learned and yes I have suffered while learning. I am a better person today than I was yesterday and I will be even better tomorrow. I do hope my children have learned from watching me as I grow and make mistakes.

My children want to see me happy and they want the right man to come into my life and make me smile. They want to see me be giddy and happy, they want nothing but my happiness.

My daughter will be leaving me in January for four months to go to Washington D.C. and work under an attorney. My son, well I have no idea what he plans on doing other than he talks a good talk.

He needs to be out on his own and grow up, he needs to mature and to learn how to care for himself. As any mother I care for my children so much and I worry about them and pray that life treats them better than it has treated me.

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Have you ever relied on one person to get you through the difficult times in your life? Did you ever want that person to be part of your life even though you had never met them? Did you ever feel a connection with an unknown person yet the pull to know more about that person constantly drove you to find out about that person as much as possible?

Did you ever feel all alone and then read something that was written by the person you had never met and you felt that they understood what you were going through? As you read what they had written word for word you felt as if this person was living your life as you felt they knew exactly what you had been experiencing. Did you ever feel as if that person had been walking in your shoes?

As I write my life experiences and I let go of so much stress and pain I feel as if others have lived the same life that I have. They have experienced the pain and anger, the loss and let downs, the twists and turns that life throws at all of us. Have you ever felt that there is another person in this world that totally gets you? Totally relates to you and has the same wants and needs as you do?

That was me at one time as I felt that I had a connection with someone who had lived a completely different life than I had. I felt he understood me and what I had been experiencing in my life. I felt he was now going through the field of mud that I had once walked through.

I had been led to believe that this person was someone who was very famous and he had left his mark on the world of sports. For years I literally thought this man followed me and would one day meet me. The truth is I had been mislead for over six years and the man who reads everything I write and follows me online is not famous at all.

He is not the man I had thought and I’m glad I finally know the truth as I can let go of my false dreams and hopes. I so wanted to be with this man for years as he was the only one I felt understood my pain. I also felt that he actually cared about me and what happened in my life.

The truth is I have no idea who is following me online and who has the same fantasies as I do. I do not know this man and probably never will meet him. I know longer wait to meet this man and I no longer believe he is someone very well-known. It never made sense to me why someone famous would bother with someone like me but he became my life line over the years. People are people and all of us are attracted to a certain type of individual.

We are not attracted to someone because they are rich or famous, we are attracted to them first by appearance generally and then the mental connection we build with that person. I think all of us want nothing more than to connect with someone and to love and be loved.

I think all of want someone who understands us, that we can share our fears, hopes and dreams with. All of us want to be happy and all of us want to be able to confide and trust in another. I believe that all of us will find that person that is right for us, yes all in good time I will have the love I need as you will aswell.

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There is nothing worse than living with constant pain and you can do nothing about it. I have lived in constant pain for many years and I have lived on pain killers for way to long.

I started smoking weed to help with the pain but the side affects are not worth it to me. I quit smoking cigarettes almost a year ago and smoking weed makes me want to have a cigarette so I quit smoking weed as well.

The pain is almost unbearable at times as I have two herniated discs in my lower back, bursitis in my right hip and arthritis throughout my body. I am not one to complain about much to anyone and I hate to be pitied by anyone as well.

If you do not live with pain you have no idea how it can make you want to literally shoot yourself at times. I wake up to pain and many a day I am awoken by the pain and the throbbing.

My son suffers from migraines and I did as well as a kid and that is extremely painful. I know exactly what to do to make him relax enough to fall asleep which seems to help with the pain most of the time.

I lay behind my son and put my hand on his forehead and talk softly to him. This seems to always relax him enough to get him to fall asleep and make the headache disappear.

I have found a hot bath always helps with my pain but one cannot live in a bathtub. The pain comes and goes but the weather does play a major part in it. When it rains the pain is always so much worse.

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I was lying in bed last night and my room was lit up by the full moon, I stared out the window and looked at the moon and wondered when is my time to be really happy? When is it my time to laugh and play like the child I once was? I felt so alone and so lost as I have no one I can roll over and hug, no one I can let my tears fall upon and no one that cares if I am here tomorrow or not.

It’s a terrible feeling when you are consumed by loneliness and you wonder what is it going to take to bring happiness back into an empty life. Im so tired of being alone and I am so tired of being required to have all of the answers. I want sex, I want mad passionate love, I want to share my body, mind and soul with someone who appreciates what I have to offer. I could get laid with no problem at all but I want more than a stiff dick and a quick orgasm.

I don’t know if a man would even appreciate the fact that I haven’t been physical with another man in over six years. I do not know if they would care at all or if they would think there was something wrong with me. I cannot tell you how much I miss sex, how much I miss love, how much I miss sharing my life with another but if you are alone than you can appreciate how I feel.

I used to believe that someone out there would appreciate someone like myself but I do not know if that is true any longer. I do not know if there is anyone out there that would want to be with me on any level, may it be just mental or just physical or both. Im feeling pretty down as I am so tired of treading water and life being nothing but an uphill battle constantly and I am just so damn lonely and I hate it.

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He follows, he follows my every written word and he thinks I do not know that he follows me. He travels extensively and I do believe he works for Ford’s as he spends so much time in Russia.

Ford’s is pulling out of Russia and they do not know that their prize employee has ADHD and being in his mid fifties he has learned to hide this from others. There is no shame in having any type of “illness or diagnosis” that doesn’t sound “pretty.”

He fantasizes about being with me sexually and he desires to be with me on any level. He is obviously involved with someone and tried to tell me all he wanted to do was fuck me.

He obviously thinks very highly of himself and thinks I would be just another one of those women that fell in love with him. He has no idea that I am fearful that he has already fallen in love with me.

He hacks my different accounts online and left a blog post heading for me to see “and I love you so.” He has no idea what real love is but gets off on playing the games of a stalker.

He refused to show his face on skype but had no problem showing his limp cock as if I was supposed to get all excited, lol. He is no man as he has refused to meet me face to face and let me decide how I feel about him.

For years I have thought he was someone else but these day I know he is a Michiganian, he doesn’t live that far from me and he has creeped on me for years.. He really needs to get his shit together if he ever wants to spend a single moment with me.

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As adults we are expected to have all of the answers and to know what direction our lives are headed in. The truth is no one has all of the answers and not everyone knows where they are headed.

I am one that is trying to find herself, find out what I really want out of life, how I want to live until I die and if I want to share my life with anyone. I am one that likes her freedom to do as she pleases which isnt saying much as I am quite settled.

I am very old school and I am quite happy literally watching the grass grow and being the homebody. I love to travel and to learn about different lifestyles but it doesnt make me crazy to stay home.

I have no desire to date younger men and no a younger man doesnt make me feel young and desirable. I know what the younger set sees in the older set as they see money, stability and someone to take care of them.

I have learned to accept myself for the person I am and I do not need someone to blow smoke up my ass and tell me how great I am. I have several men in my life that think I am the greatest thing since sliced white bread.

I am a caring individual and I listen to those around me and the key to listening is to listen to what is not said. People talk and say nothing but if you listen closely you will hear what is hidden in their hearts.

I have learned that we must go after what we truly want as there is no guarantee of tomorrow. If you want to meet someone then make it happen, if you want to befriend someone then do it, if you want to end a relationship then do it and move on.

I have learned that happiness is so damn rare and we must grab it while we can and not let guilt rule our lives. We cannot live for someone elses happiness and we cannot be there for someone we really rather not be there for.