Are you sleeping in different rooms because of an argument last night? Are you tired from lack of sleep worrying about your relationship? Do you find yourself discussing only the schedule and details of the day and not offering how you are feeling about things? Are you worried about a potential separation or divorce and how it would negatively affect the kids? Maybe you are separated and trying to negotiate day-to-day family life with someone you dislike. Do you find yourself more often than not seeking others, co-workers, friends, or an old romances for emotional support and not from your partner or spouse? Maybe you are using more alcohol to deal with the hurt and loneliness. Are you working longer hours, staying out longer to avoid the conflict at home? Does it seem like every interaction is an argument? Do you feel like it has been a very long time since your really communicated or even still compromised? Do you feel guilty because you do not ask yourself anymore: “How can I be a good husband or a good wife?”

If you find yourself identifying with these questions, YOU ARE NOT ALONE – Many relationships suffer in silence.

THERE IS GOOD NEWS:

There are evidence-based practices for couples therapy, proven to show effective results for struggling relationships. These practices focus primarily on communication skills, realistic compromise, ratios of positive to negative interactions, breaking down criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling.

With therapy, couples can expect to learn basic and advanced communication skills. They can expect to have skills to put into practice after the first session. At the next session, you come back and work on any barriers that arose when trying to use these skills. Whether married or dating, you will get to know important details about each other. You will be in a neutral atmosphere, where we will address issues you may have with ineffective communication. All these efforts will lead to better understanding and more successful interactions and a renewal of the energy in your relationship. Frequently during marriage therapy and couples therapy we uncover core issues that have caused lack of trust and distance. You can address these issues head on with a third party in the room and start healing these hurts. When appropriate, personality tests and/or reading materials are suggested as homework to expedite the process.

The Gottman Institute method is one of the many interventions used by marriage and family therapist, including myself. The Gottman Institute has a research-based approach to strengthening relationships. It is responsible for researching and developing this information for couples:1 The Gottman Institute’s useful model for healing is “The Sound Relationship House:2

SO THIS MAY ALL SOUND GOOD, BUT WILL IT WORK FOR MY RELATIONSHIP?

Success is not guaranteed for all couples. In fact, some couples who come the therapy with me discover it is a valid option to separate for a while for the sake of their relationship. However, I can say that if a couple does not attend couples therapy, they have a much lower probability to learn effective skills and important compromising behaviors. I hear from couples over and over again, “thankfully we attended counseling…we can finally talk through something without it ending in an argument and we solve problems quicker.” Couples therapy is meant slow down discussions and give each person a chance to hear the other and feel heard. This is an essential skill to beginning the healing process.

WHAT IF I AM READY FOR COUNSELING, BUT MY PARTNER/SPOUSE WILL NOT COME IN?

Unfortunately, this is a common scenario. It is always preferable for both partners/spouses to attend the first sessions. However, I have had situations where one partner/spouse attends a few sessions and then the other comes out of curiosity or after seeing some changes in you. If you are having trouble with your partner/spouse not wanting to attend, I usually suggest that you have them call me so they can hear my voice and I can address any concerns they may have. Another approach is to suggest to your partner/spouse that they speak with someone you know who has been to couples counseling and is willing to share their experience. A more assertive way is to tell your partner/spouse how you feel, perhaps: “I really have doubts about our relationship and I need you to attend counseling with me to get help.” This last idea is reserved for extremely damaged relationships.

WHAT VICTOR COUNSELING PRACTICE IN VICTOR, NY HAS TO OFFER:

We have convenient hours, starting at 7 AM Monday through Thursday, and as late as 8 PM on Monday and Wednesdays for those who need appointments after work or family obligations.

We accept most insurances. We will work with people who have financial hardship.

We are conveniently located in Victor (Monday thru Thursday) and Canandaigua (Friday).

Jeff is licensed in NYS and has over 20 experience with couples and adults.

1 : www.gottman.comCo-founded by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, the Gottman Institute helps couples directly and provide state-of-the-art training to mental health professionals and other health care providers. The Gottman Institute applies leading-edge research on marriage in practical, down-to-earth therapy and trains therapists committed to helping couples. No other approach to couples education and therapy has relied on such intensive, detailed, and long-term scientific study of why marriages succeed or fail.

2 www.gottman.com Co-founded by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, the Gottman Institute helps couples directly, and provides state-of-the-art training to mental health professionals and other health care providers. The Gottman Institute applies leading-edge research on marriage in practical, down-to-earth therapy and trains therapists committed to helping couples. No other approach to couples education and therapy has relied on such intensive, detailed, and long-term scientific study of why marriages succeed or fail.