OH HELLLOOOOOYYYYYYYYou fucking big-butted stinky dinks. I love you! Where have you been?

JOKES, I am the one that has been away, it’s me! Last weekend, I went out of town to the mysterious and remote city of Providence, Rhode Island, which, as it turns out, is famous for me.

Providence is weird. Where do you guys even go for live music? Can you hear me, Providence?! What is it that you do for fun!?

Anyway, it’s good to be back here in Portland, and I’m goddam ready to party.

friday may 13

OH SHIT motherfuckers, it is the start of Pride season! As you may already be well aware, I love The Gays and The Queers and The Transgendereds and the Gender Fluids and the Non-Cis Folk of all ilks. I don’t even understand people who don’t hang out with The Gays, your life must really suck balls, and not in the good, consensual way. My life sucks balls because I don’t have any gay friends here yet. I’m coming for you, gays of Portland! Fruit Fly reporting for duty! Anyway, Port City Music Hall is hosting the opening Pride party tomorrow night, it is fucking only $5 and they have Samuel James and djs and fucking drag queens and all the goddam shit that is great about America. See you there.

Oh fuck yeah look at this greasy little pit stain of a thing: Geno’s has a Friday the 13th party, because what the fuck else would they have, starring Devil’s Night Out, Alter the Tides, Skrye and Break the Skin. Christ almighty on the friggin’ scary motherfucking band names, bub. This is a stoner metal and death metal show and it is hosted by someone who calls himself Justin Sane. Motherfuck.

Flask has Foundation Friday with Caseroc from Boston, Salvage has unspecified live music, Blue has The Dupont Brothers and El Malo, Dogfish has Viva, and your butt has your mom. HA your mom doesn’t even play an instrument, does she. Why is your butt booking her then? Oh, for her killer standup set?

My mom played the accordion. It is the instrument of my people.

OK, dBasement has The Tarantula Brothers (who just put out a new album I reviewed for the June Dispatch, which will be out June 1 and is also the music issue, so keep an eye out for that review as well as some other pieces on the local music beat from yours truly and also the Tarantula Brothers describe themselves at the above link as “Biddeford Crunk” which doesn’t mean anything and furthermore doesn’t describe their music at all), Cheerwine and Phallus Uber Alles. I recommend this show for the intrepid and hip among you. Bands, quit being fucking coy. Just tell me what kind of music you make. The more describe-y the better. Your little idioms and insidery phrases are eyeroll material of the highest degree.

“JD Gilbert and the Night Train is a band based in Portland, Maine that regularly performs at local venues.”

MY GOD. It’s like the word equivalent of a pair of pleated front khaki pants from the Gap. COME HERE AND HUG ME, JD Gilbert and your Night Train!

Goddam it. Empire has a fucking Tribute 2: Elton John. It’s like they’re just trolling us now. HOWEVER, if someone has a fucking Donald Duck costume for this shit I salute you. It’s fine, I get it, hating on covers is as stale as the covers themselves. Whatever, do your thing, basics. I won’t intervene anymore.

Saturday may 14

The Mallets are back in town and are at PCMH! I love that I get to write about this venue twice in one weekend, I love when a quality ass fucking place like goddam PCMH has a bunch of locals on their stage. Locals deserve good sound systems too! Anyway. The Mallet Brothers. You know them, you love them, go enjoy them.

sunday may 15

John Nels from Rigor Samsa is playing solo at Rising Tide today from 1-4pm. He has an incredible voice and great songwriting skills, go see the guy for shit’s sake. SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT IS THE HOLDUP?