Month: September 2017

I’m pretty sure this is what my neighbour does on every day off he has (or with 100% of his free time)… for like 18 hours… outside my front door. Exactly like the GIF above… non-stop. I get so fucking tired of listening to it.

Every so often, people message me asking about Nick Thomas. They ask me whether I’ve talked to him or have seen him online, and well, I haven’t really interacted with him in a long time. Every so often, I just check back to see if anything has been updated on his site or podcast site and I was surprised this morning to see that he’s back to podcasting.

In one of his podcast episodes he talked about coming back to podcasting (everybody needs a break) and about Hurricane Irma. So if you’ve missed him, make sure you catch up. I will admit that I haven’t. I hardly listen to any podcasts anymore because I don’t have much time for them, but eventually I will get around to it.

If you haven’t listened to him before, Nick pretty much tells it how it is. It’s basically a personal journal type podcast about his life as a gay man in Alabama. Things can get a little, um, “exciting” if you know what I mean.

If you come across this, Nick, I just want to say hello! Welcome back, mate.

Other countries have let people of the same sex get married for years now and the world hasn’t ended. Nobody, that I know of, has been forced into a relationship with someone of the same sex. No one has had their “traditional” marriages invalidated.

Even if I was straight, I’d answer it the same way because, seriously, how would it affect me and my relationships? The answer is that it wouldn’t.

I’ve seen some posts about how this is a slippery slope. Who says that it wouldn’t lead to any of these things:

Someone wanting to marry 12 people at the same time to partake in Hot Pocket- and Mountain Dew-fueled orgies every second night–okay, every night.

Someone wanting to marry someone underage.

Someone else getting married to someone of the same sex is against my religion. I’ll be forced to marry someone of the same sex.

Let’s think about that list a little bit, shall we? First off, objects, places, and things can’t sign the required documents for it to happen. Plus, that sounds really boring. Who would they argue with? Siri isn’t an option. She’s not interested. I’ve asked.

Animals also can’t sign documents unless they’re really talented. They can’t consent either. What would people say? “Lick my face if you want to get married, chew off my face if you don’t.”

Relatives? Gross. There are a few moral and ethical issues here; issues that I shouldn’t really have to explain. Yes, some people have questionable morality and ethical reasoning and want to do this, but it shouldn’t be legal.

Polygamy? Having multiple boyfriends/girlfriends is hard enough. Having multiple husbands/wives would be much, much harder. Not worth the effort. Not worth the jealousy. Just not worth fighting for. (Hot Pockets sound good though. I like the ham and cheese ones. I haven’t had one in a long time.)

Underage… that one came up quite often. Not only is this dumb, it’s also stupid. Most people know that morally and ethically this isn’t something you do. Plus, you can’t enter in a legal contract with someone who doesn’t have the capacity to do so. You can’t get consent to do something like this from someone that’s not a legal age. Plus… why would this be equated to someone wanting to be with someone of the same sex for the rest of their life?

So, what I’m saying is that same-sex couples aren’t looking for any of these things. They’re just two consenting adults who want their relationship validated legally so they have the same protections as someone who is married. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m not asking for a second birthday or my own island. I just want to be with someone for the rest of their lives. I want to be able to make important medical decisions (if it comes to that) in the case they can’t. I want to be able to call my relationship a marriage when and if it gets to that point. I just want equality, really.

Now, there are people who say “no” for religious reasons. That’s okay. I totally get that the Bible can be translated and interpreted any way that suits them. However, it’s my firm belief that religion and religious teachings shouldn’t be shoved down people’s throats because not everybody follows the same religion or even has a religious affiliation. I firmly believe of a total separation of church and state. It’s sad that the states in the USA don’t really believe in something so silly. If you don’t want to marry someone of the same sex, you don’t have to. Just don’t think about it.

Basically, I think if two adults love each other in a deeply romantic way and they both want to marry each other, they should be allowed to marry. Religion has nothing to do with it.

Let me add that this survey feels like one of those “vote for your favourite” on a reality TV show. It’s really dumb and it’s a huge waste of money.

I’m back. I’d love to say that I am refreshed after getting some time to myself, but I’m feeling a bit drowsy today. Yesterday, I had an allergic reaction to something that I put on my hands. They started swelling, getting bumpy, and was very itchy. It happened to be the day that I didn’t have any Benadryl with me too, so I had burning, itchy hands all day. I do know that my hands look like they’ve aged 20 years from yesterday and it’s really sad because I have nice skin on my hands. Oh well, first world problems, right?

Magic medicine that I can’t get in Australia, so I have to bring it with me from the USA.

A few of you have reached out to me over my last post, and I really thank you for that. It was a rough week that week. It was a little bit better after that thankfully. I think that’s because I slept at home instead. I think the feeling of being in your own space with someone you care about makes things a lot better. The going to bed at 8 pm so I can wake up at 4 am thing really sucked though. I did get to sleep in today though. I woke up at 6 this morning, even with Benadryl.

It’s unfortunate that I don’t want to can’t say what I was up to over the past few weeks but I will say this: if you’re teaching people new to the field to do something, and they make small mistakes, huffing and puffing isn’t a good way to motivate them. I worked with someone like this and it was really irritating. It wasn’t directed at me, but it’s really hard to see someone try to train someone when they get so pissy over the smallest things. I had to get out of my passiveness and have a little chat with this person. I basically said that they needed an attitude adjustment and they’re supposed to mentor other students, not scare them off. (Hopefully this all makes a little sense. I have to be careful about what I say.)

That’s what infuriated me most this week. Impatience when patience is what’s needed. Oh, and the moodiness. Not a good combination.

Regardless, I chug ahead.

This week marked 8 years that my dad passed away. I try not to think of it much because I don’t think it’s necessarily good to acknowledge anniversaries of deaths. I think about my dad every day. I think about how difficult it is not being able to chat with him when I want. He was always really good at giving practical advice. I miss that. I wished he would have looked after his health a lot better though. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll “see” him again sometime. How, when, where? Who knows? (My dreams about him keep me from getting too sad about it. His memory is still alive. That’s the important thing.)

I hope you all are doing well. As I said, it feels good to recharge my battery. It’s good not to have to set an alarm. It’s nice to be able to drink coffee without the fear of rushing to a bathroom suddenly. It was nice playing with my XBox. It’s also good to have time to be in front of a computer too. I missed the little things!

I think I failed to mention that my posts will be sporadic for a while. Or maybe I mentioned it somewhere… I can’t really be bothered looking for it. That’s the problem. I can’t be bothered. The last week for me hasn’t been that great for me.

Sometimes I mention that I don’t always look after myself the best I can. I can be quite abusive towards myself and what I mean by that is that I really have a problem telling myself that I am doing a good job, that I’m a good person, that the lasagna I made a few weeks ago was really good, or that I am a good partner. That’s what I mean when I say that I abuse myself. I’m not harming myself physically, it’s just all done mentally and emotionally.

All of this self-doubt really has a huge toll on my overall health. When your brain is telling you that you suck at everything you do, sometimes it’s hard getting up in the mornings. Sometimes, it’s just really hard to function and I’ve experienced that over the last week. It seemed to be a lot worse than it has been, and that’s mostly because I’m in the middle of a two week training session. That’s probably the best way to put it since I want my main career to remain private. I’ve had to spend a lot of time away from home and my partner because I’m having to stay closer to where I am training. It takes about 2 hours travelling one-way going from home, and I just can’t see myself spending 4 hours a day travelling on top of an 8 hour workday. I’ve been staying with friends, but I still really miss my partner a lot.

I have said that I like our time apart, but I think I just need really small doses of that. A day is good. Weeks aren’t.

Going back to my health, if you can imagine seeing someone after they give up smoking in one day after they’ve smoked for 25 years, that’s what I am like. Four or five days of the week, my gut is upset. Let’s just say that I stay in a dehydrated state. My blood pressure is going higher. I feel like I am 30 years older than I really am. When things are really bad, I get migraines. This usually happens before assessments, exams, job interviews, work shifts, when I know I’m going to have to be in front of a large group of people, when I have to go to the store to get groceries, you name it.

Mid-week, one of my contacts tore and silly me didn’t bring a replacement, so my partner brought me some replacements. It doesn’t end there, but he wasn’t feeling well, yet he still spent the time to travel more than 3 hours to bring me what I needed. Then, he got me pizza. I really have a great guy and I’m lucky to have him. I’m even happier because I got to spend some of my weekend with him. I really needed that. By Friday, my mood was just abysmal. I missed a day, went to the doctor to explain how I’m feeling and how sick and tired I am being so anxious all the time because it’s not a good fit for what I’m doing. It really makes me sad. I like what I do but the anxiety really gets in my way of doing my job well (or more often).

I stop myself a lot from posting things like this because I don’t want to be one of those people online who list and brag about all their medical diagnoses, issues and problems. I don’t do this for attention. Sometimes I just need to get this stuff out, and if someone happens to come across something that I write that helps them understand what’s going on with them, I think that’s a good thing.

I choose not to smoke, drink (much), or do any drugs though I know they can have a calming effect. I just need to find another way to get my brain to relax. I haven’t found that yet though. (Actually, I think I have, but it’s extremely temporary.)

I guess that’s what’s happening. It’s why I’ve been in hiding… some of it is because I refuse to write these on a tablet since it takes me 10 times longer, but yeah, the mental bit has turned me off completely from wanting to do much. I’ll be back once this week is done. This is my last training thing for the rest of the year (except two days).

Do you remember that marriage equality survey I was telling you about? You remember, right, the one that is wasting $122,000,000 of taxpayer money? Well, it’s going ahead. I’m still disgusted by this survey and I really, really wish that the money was being used for something else like healthcare, education, or actually helping the Australian community rather than dividing it.

If someone wants to answer this, feel free to let me know. I’d love to see a good reason.

If the older generation get their way (on anything), nothing will change. Ever. These are the people whose lives are just about over and they aren’t going to have to live with the results. The younger generation, yes. They have every reason to do this because it is going to affect them (and their family and friends) for a lot longer. It really shouldn’t even be up to an opinion poll about whether this should be done because it doesn’t affect anybody else except the two consenting adults that get married.

I don’t care if churches can refuse to marry people of the same sex. I, personally, wouldn’t care because when I get married, it’s not a religious issue. It’s basically being with the person you want to be with and the legal benefits of being married. So if the religious groups want to say they won’t do it, then fine. They don’t have to. It’s super simple and that’s how it works in almost every country that it’s legalised in. No big deal.

It makes me think, if the US Supreme Court didn’t vote for marriage equality (directly or indirectly), would it be a reality now? I mean, if it were up to the people of the USA to vote for it, I don’t think it would be. I’m curious to know what you think with a short little poll.

Have you noticed that a lot of times when I refer to my boyfriend, I say partner? I’ve been doing that a lot more since I’ve moved to this country because it’s what everybody else does. At first, when people told me anything about their “partner” I just assumed that they were either gay or lesbian. In my head, I was thinking “Wow, there sure are a lot of gay people here.” Then they’d actually mean someone of the opposite gender. For some reason, I started doing the same thing.

You see, I come from a place where people can absolutely fall in love with you, love everything about you, but when it comes to your romantic relationship, you say that you’re with someone of the same sex and then all of a sudden they hate you. You know, forget the fact that you’ve single-handedly saved a bus full of drowning children or dogs, they’ll still hate your guts. All the good stuff they loved about you is all now forgotten. (If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get lectured how their religion is the only “right” religion and everybody’s supposed to live the same way they do.)

Telling people I have a partner here is basically not putting an emphasis on who I’m with. It doesn’t mean that I am ashamed of who I am, because I’m not. It’s just habit. I usually don’t have to build on that unless someone asks or if I mention it. Then, it’s no big deal. The great thing about living here is that most people don’t give a damn. I like to think it’s because people here just aren’t that religious or they’ve gotten past the part where you’re supposed to hate other people based on the fact they’re in a loving, happy relationship with someone of the same sex.

I still don’t really understand why people who are against marriage equality are so against it when it’s really not something that affects them directly. (As I say, it’s a non-issue and not worth making a huge deal about.) But, of course, and yet again, I am drifting to some other topic…

Partner has become habit. People who know me totally get it and it allows me to talk really openly in front of groups of people who get their feelings hurt by marriage equality. But, there’s only so much shielding from their feelings I’ll do too. People change. Society changes. If you’re not ready to adapt to a changing society, then you need to lock yourself up in a room and watch The Andy Griffith Show reruns or something and keep voting for people who are scared of happy people.

Um, hopefully, that explains it. It’s just habit now. It doesn’t really emphasise that my relationship is unequal or inadequate in any way because it’s not. I’d like to think that people, as a whole, will come to accept that gay people exist and they can lead happy lives together, one day. Or my preference is that they just don’t really care. That’s my favorite. 🙂 (It’s what I wanted when I came out to my family.)

I’m just going to talk about something real quick that my partner told me today. He said he read somewhere on my blog that I need regular breaks from him. Recently, I also befriended an international student who’s here studying. I am not sure how that came about, but he’s young, and extremely homesick. He’s also a bit of a loner by choice, is really new to the area, doesn’t have much confidence in his English skills, and is really struggling to accept the way he is (aka gay but it’s a huge issue where he’s from). I’ve been trying to make him feel a bit better so that he’s not lonely and not afraid to go out there and socialize with people who speak English. In so many ways, I understand how he’s feeling because I’ve been through all of that (except I didn’t struggle with English. Australian English, yes). I just think sometimes people need some support. Homesickness is a horrible, horrible feeling when you feel like you don’t know anybody around. So, I am acting as a bit of support so he can become more confident in himself. I really don’t want him to turn into me!

Feeling homesick is awful, so if I can help someone else overcome this feeling, then I will.

My partner knows that I’ve been talking to him and I think that he’s starting to feel a bit uneasy that I am putting a lot of time into making this person I don’t know very well feel better. I had to explain that I am not interested in other guys (I’m not) and especially not this guy because he’s 15 years younger than me and even if I was single, that age wouldn’t and doesn’t interest me. (Fun fact: The age range I would seriously date is about 5 years younger to 10 years older.)

I just had to remind my partner that everything’s okay between us and I’m still as interested as I was from the beginning. I’m not looking to do any replacing because I am looked after really well and feel really loved. I struggle to show that love or return it, but it’s there. The international student also knows that I have a partner and I am sure they’ll meet one day.

This little situation makes me think that I must be doing some really annoying things so that J feels like I am trying to distance myself. Yes, I enjoy my time by myself (and I always have) and have a bit of a soft spot for people who get homesick. It doesn’t mean I am no longer interested. I’m still thinking about when our wedding will be. I haven’t been planning well lately!

Most of the week, I spent reading news reports and the Facebook posts from people trapped in that mess. I didn’t want to leave the house. I didn’t want to go work. I didn’t want to do anything, and when I tried, I’d end up getting extremely anxious or depressed because there’s not a lot that I can do. Feeling helpless and powerless at a time like this is really difficult. I mean, really difficult and I let my brain take over. I don’t really do very well when that happens because my stomach goes crazy and it’s so hard for me to concentrate. So, I’d slip into playing Starbound for a while to just get my head into a better place. (Hey, games are a much better alternative than anything else I could, but wouldn’t, do.)

I’m still sad. Even today, more water is flooding my home town… even after the storm has left, the rivers area flooded and all that water has to go somewhere. Unfortunately, it’s heading into people’s houses, and lives really.

This is one of the negatives about living here. I love my family and friends over there and since I’ve moved here, I still think about them daily. I do shit on my home town a lot but that’s where many of the people I knew grew up and they’re used to being there. It’s hard to move from a place when you’re whole life is there. It’s extremely hard when nature forces that move.

Anyway, that’s where my brain is and that’s where I’ve been hiding… in a bubble (with Internet access). My partner and his family were the ones responsible for getting me out of that bubble. My sister also helped by telling me to stop beating myself up over something that I can’t do much about… and she’s right. I just wish there was SOMETHING I could do. (Do you know how tempted I was to try to fly there???)

If you were affected by the hurricane, I am truly sorry for what happened. I’m not much of a praying guy, but if that’s what you believe in, then I hope you do get as much love and support from that, seriously. Everybody needs something to believe in and if that’s what you use to get yourself through tough situations, I really hope that you’re blessed with the strength you need to move past this.