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She’d been looking forward to this moment for years, and it had finally come.

She turned 13 on Christmas day.

More importantly, to her, she was now legally old enough to ride in the front seat of the car.

It’s weird how quickly perceptions shift. It seems like yesterday she still needed me for everything. In many ways she still does, but she’s growing more and more independent and self sufficient every day. It’s beautiful to watch, but it’s sad too.

Each day, she takes a little more control of life into her hands. Control I’ve had to let go, but it’s more than that.

It’s an acceptance that I’m not in the front seat of her life all the time anymore. An acceptance that I’m going to be spending a lot more time in the back…watching from a growing distance…as she experiences what life has to show her.

It’s simultaneously exactly what I want for her, and exactly what I don’t want to deal with.

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I say “we” because it’s hard for me to think of us as separate individuals in times like this, but I’m sure that’s exactly how my wife felt. Individual. Singled out. Alone.

I don’t think I handled it very well.

I was young. Our marriage was still new. And I was riddled with guilt for being torn between the heartbreak of not getting to start this new chapter of life and the relief of not being forced to give up the “freedom” of not being a parent.

I didn’t know how to express my feelings or “be there” for her. So I hid most of my pain.

I suppressed tears and tried to keep pushing through the days as normal as possible. I honestly don’t know if she’s forgiven me for that. We’ve never talked about it.

“Abortion is just a word — a technical term.” I actually said that to her. I’m amazed she’s still married to me.

To someone who’s dream in life is to be a mother… to someone who has never believed in abortion…to someone who knows the odds of getting pregnant are already stacked against her…it’s not just a word or technical term. Even though, in our case, it was.

There was no baby. No new life being formed. Just an empty bubble.

It seems so cruel. Like discovering the beautifully wrapped present you’ve been waiting weeks to open is just an empty box.

It was a false pregnancy. Though there was no baby, her body thought it was pregnant. The only way to stop it, and save her from serious health issues, was an abortion. It’s still hard to think about.

I never imagined having four beautiful and healthy daughters. Especially not after that or any of the other miscarriages. I’m sure my wife didn’t either, yet here we are. A family of six.

I pray daily they don’t have to experience the same level of pain and uncertainty we’ve gone through, but I know they will in some way or another. That’s life. It’s necessary. I know that.

I hope we’ve shown them it’s ok. It will always be ok. It’s always worth the wait.