Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1584

Surgical Patients
Four doctors who hadn't seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they started talking about what makes a good surgical patient.
The first said, "Electrical engineers, because you open 'em up and everything is color-coded."
"Nah," said the second. "It's librarians. You open 'em up and everything is alphabetized."
The third scoffed. "Of course not," he said. "It's accountants. You open 'em up and everything is numbered."
"Lawyers," said the fourth, with a shake of his head. "It's lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable." Marco K.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1585

Green Circles
A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion."
"Can you describe your symptoms?" he asks.
"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress.
When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."
The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian by any chance?"
Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question, especially coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well yes I am, actually. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold." Joseph N.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1586

Lord's Creation
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole freaking thing. Nelson P.

Thursday

Joke
N°
1587

The Geography Of A Woman
Between the ages of 18 and 21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful, with bush land around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 and 30, a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 and 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 and 40, a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war, but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 and 60, she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet, and her borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 and 70, a woman is like England or Mongolia. She has a glorious and all conquering past, but alas, no future.
After 70, they become like Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where she is, but no one wants to go there. James R.

Friday

Joke
N°
1588

Ugly Face
Catching one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday school teacher, smiling sweetly, said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." Robert P.

Saturday

Joke
N°
1589

Little Johnny's Candy
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing his mouth with candy.
An old lady came over and said, "Son, don't you know that eating all that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars in one sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business!" Ryan M.

Sunday

Joke
N°
1590

16 Deep Thoughts1. Life is sexually transmitted.
2. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
3. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
5. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
7. If God wanted us to touch our toes, he would have put them on our knees.
8. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
9. If you're living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt.
10. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
11. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
12. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
13. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
14. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
15. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
16. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Eric F.