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On Dapper Laughs: “32 Million Tickets to Whore Island Please”

The journalist Abi Wilkinson recently pointed out that alleged comedian Dapper Laugh’s contempt for homeless people and women undermined the supposed charitable purpose of his recently released album. He responded by mobilising his Oi Oi Army of inadequates to vomit poisonous abuse at her for several days on Twitter. One of the *least* objectionable tweets she received was a deeply pathetic bleat exhorting her to “go back to Whore Island” (a destination apparently first coined by renowned lolmeister Will Ferrell). After a week where feminists also needed to expend valuable time and energy getting racist rape guru Julien Blanc kicked out of Australia and petitioning the UK government to deny him a visa, the Vagenda Magazine team ran with the idea and tweeted an open invitation to women to join them on Whore Island; an as yet undiscovered feminist utopia where there are no men. To be honest I nearly started packing.

I’m not (quite) suggesting that the women of the UK stage a blag on the nearest sperm bank and set sail with a couple of freezers of jizz and a bumper pack of turkey basters to carry on the human race without the benefit of actual men’s er, input. But ladies, I have to admit I’m nearly at that point after such a shameful public parade demonstrating how much so many men appear to hate us. How else are women supposed to interpret the message that the likes of Messrs Blanc and Laughs preach for profit? If only it was just these two arsewipes, but unfortunately it’s also the baying hordes of bile-spewing babymen who so bravely slap on their armour of anonymity and take to social media to threaten and silence women who dare to object to what these wankstains on the Y-fronts of masculinity say about and do to us.

So let’s indulge ourselves and think what our lives on Whore Island could be like.

For a start we’d have TV programmes, films and plays written by women that spoke *to* us, not *about* us as mute sex objects. We could ditch the hackneyed plots where women serve only as devices for oh-so-complicated men to avenge our gruesome, yet oh-so-artful deaths. Our TV stations wouldn’t need to throw women under the bus in the chase for ratings which sees Dapper Laughs get his own (albeit now cancelled) show on a national network. You only need to look at this cry-wank fantasy masquerading as a play outline to know we are going backwards. In fact a recent study shows that more women wrote the plays performed in 1923 than the 8-12% of plays written by women today.

Imagine a mainstream media where stories making page 3 of the Whore Island Daily News would be illustrated with a photo of an inspiring, opinionated woman clad in more than just her pants. Our advertising would showcase 21st century creativity rather than doggedly flog tired 1970s sexist tropes to death like this recent ad for a car. We could have a Whore Island Twitter (Witter?) where venturing an opinion wouldn’t inevitably lead to rape threats and every disagreement wouldn’t have to end with some man-child insisting on having the last word, no matter how foolish it makes him sound. (Seriously, I’m planning a highly scientific research study into this phenomenon, provisionally entitled Terminally Idiotic Tweet Syndrome, or T.I.T.S. for short).

All our banknotes would have awesome women on them so Caroline Criado-Perez could at last not be forced to justify feminism, all day every day, to dickhead misogynists on Twitter who object to seeing a lady’s face on a tenner. Perhaps she could take charge of scanning the horizon for boats full of creepy migrant misogynists in trouble off the coast of Whore Island as one wag suggested would be necessary. And then deciding not to rescue them.

And speaking of money, think how much we’d save if a huge chunk of Whore Island Revenue didn’t have to go on policing, prosecuting and incarcerating violent men. A wise woman (Barbara Wootton) once observed that “If men behaved like women, the courts would be idle and the prisons empty”. It bears repeating here that in 2009-10, men were the perpetrators in 91% of all violent incidents in England and Wales. 94% of people convicted of murder and 100% of rapists are men (look it up – in the UK, rape is defined as penetration with a penis without consent). We’d have safer roads too; Home Office data reveal that men are responsible for 97% of dangerous driving offences and 94% of motoring offences causing death or bodily harm.

There’d be some women who would arrive and find themselves out of a job on Whore Island – these of course would include strippers. Also among the jobless would be the embattled women who work tirelessly (often with little or no pay) against all forms of male violence against women and girls including FGM, rape and domestic violence. So I propose all these women would be fêted as war veterans and given a generous pension (from all that cash we’ve saved on courts and prisons) so they can sit out their days with a ludicrously embellished cocktail on a sunlounger at the beach.

So, men of the UK, if you don’t like the thought of mass migration of women to Whore Island here’s a suggestion. Stand the fuck up and call out rank sexism and misogyny as loudly and as often as women do. Then, and only then, would we consider using the return portion of our tickets.

Oh you had me. You really did – I was about to pack until you came out with “100% of rapists are men (look it up – in the UK, rape is defined as penetration with a penis without consent)”… the awful definition isn’t something ‘for’ us. It’s really pretty shit.

Otherwise… yeah. It’s just tiring isn’t it? I don’t think all men hate me but ffs at least give me 5 mins to define myself by something other than a vagina. And maybe take that time to consider that you’re not actually meant to be a dick.

Excellent. Could the island also have its own airline so we never again have to endure the facial expressions of men luridly imagining us inviting them into the cubicle for ‘mile high fun’ as we queue for the box-like plane toilets?

Yes fgm is carried out by women but it is because those women know better than anyone that ‘uncut’ girls do not get married, and they feel it is their duty as elders to give girls the best chance possible to get married. Seriously. Why would women for NO REASON pick up the blade one day and decide to hack their genitals?

Hi VH. I’m sorry if my phrasing got to you – certainly no offence was intended. Perhaps I’ve been engaging in too many Twitter spats with Ched Evans rape apologists (rather than dignified exchanges with Vagenda readers), but not everyone necessarily knows the CPS definition (in my experience). Can I sling a cocktail your way on Whore Island to make up for it?

The mighty anti-FGM campaigner Leyla Hussein also makes the valid point that it is the women of her generation that will stop FGM – she says “My daughter has not been cut so we have broken that cycle in my family now.”

A wise woman (Barbara Wootton) once observed that “If men behaved like women, the courts would be idle and the prisons empty”.

That reminds me of what Golda Meir said (to paraphrase) about if men were given curfew the way women were, instead of women, the streets would be calm peaceful places. But nobody can say that without being labelled a man hater, even though put the boot on the other foot, it’s practically unwritten society law that women are presumed to be the ones that have to stay inside or walk around in groups ‘for their safety’

But I don’t think we should have to do away with men entirely. I really don’t think this is the solution or that this kind of discussion is helpful. I certainly don’t want to give up men! I think the solution is working together to make things less shit, rather than generalising about an entire half of the population and telling them to f off.

Neither do I really Herbold – it was more a device to call on the decent men (that you and I love) to open their eyes to the woman-hating that turds like Dapper Laughs, Julien Blanc and many others in popular culture espouse, and say no, not in our name. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing”.