Job Entry #6

"In all brutal honesty I sometimes think the distance I create from those who suffer is like an abyss that is filled with darkness - I just can't go there."

Entry 6

Distance. Why do I find myself consciously and subconsciously looking for ways to distance myself from friends when there is suffering and despair (either mine or theirs) involved? It is a real conflict for me. What am I afraid of? The mess? The expectations and exclusion? The responsibility and rejection? Or is it just the reality that I can't possibly fix what is wrong all the time, for them or me? There is also a real fear that I don't have anything to offer when someone who is suffering reaches out for me. Or that I might be terrified that I have absolutely nothing to say that can make things better for them or me, and I will be rejected. In all brutal honesty I sometimes think the distance I create from those who suffer is like an abyss that is filled with darkness - I just can't go there. When I feel this way I act in fear. And when I act in that kind of fear I can't even look the person who is suffering or afflicted in the eye, or even stand to hear anything they may say. Creating distance between those who are suffering and who are afflicted is dehumanizing - I'm certain of it. Just as I am certain that fear... (my fear), is at the root of all distance and exclusion.