Friday, July 29, 2011

The Girl Who Burned me & My Brother!!

Ol' Head: Yeah, I aintgettin burned again tho! I remember one time i aint have no rubbahs so I used the foil....you know that come off the top of a cigarette box. I aint have no rubberband either, but i gripped that muhfucka tight...these young boii'sdont know about that.

Ol' head #2: Yeah, I had caught the crabs. That was the worst. Itchin and scratchin like a smoker or somebody on that dog food.

Rocka: Excuse me, are yallniggastalkin about crabs and other miscellaneousSTD's while standing in the University of Pennsylvania Kitchen and cooking the food we eat? I hope yall washed your hands maaaaaannnnnn.

And that's how it started.

I had always heard crazy stories in the barbershop, or at cookouts but I think this was either the day that I first started listening or it was when the stories started getting crazy. As one who indulges in crazy behavior and has unintentionally been immersed in the most randomly hilarious situations I can easily spot a fraudulentfarce for what it is and respect the inherent "wow" factor of a truly amazing display of debauchery. In essence, some of this shit is so crazy you can't make it up...so you know that the person recounting the story didnt... even if you wished they did

Dee: Yo, You remember Rockin Robyn?

Jae: Oh I remember her from back in the day. She was down for whatever. She used to hang with "40 & a blunt."

Dee: That's right! She did hang with "40 and a blunt"... give that chick some liquor or a dutch and you were guaranteed some ass!

Jae: Robyn was bad!

Dee: Yeah, but she got me and my brother once. Burned us bad.

And there it was...the beginning of absolute and utter fuckery. Now normally a "she burned me" story starts like this and proceeds to go through five minutes of expletives blaming the bitch for YOUR OWN retarded decision to have UNPROTECTED sex with a morally loose women. Today it did not go in the typical fashion.

Dee: To make it worse, she gave me and my brother both crabs! I caught em first, but his were worse. We smashed her the same week. I remember coming home and itchin like crazy...me and my brother...It was so bad i remember rippin my pants off in the living room and looking in my boxers, and there were so many of them that i could see em moving! Like that many! And they're small so ur not supposed to be able to see them!

Jae: That is disgusting. Just stop. Im done.

Dee: Nah! So I run in the bathroom and my brother is in there with some clippers cuttin his ball hair off thinkin that will help his. Once he shaved it low you could just see more of the nastiness. Not knowing what to do, we made a pact that we wouldn't tell dad. He goes, I got an idea...then tells me to put newspaper on the floor. Then he goes, "They're bugs right? We gotta kill em." and proceeds to bend over ass naked and hands me a can of raid.

He says "I'll go first". Man I sprayed his balls and that whole dick area and that shit swelled up like the size of a fist!! He was screamin and yelling with this baseball sized swollen nuts! I was glad he went first..

Jae:Yoooooooooooooooooooo !!!!! Thatsouta control. So what happened?

Dee: My dad heard the commotion and rushed us to the clinic. I was a Sunday tho and we had to wait till monday to get the medicine and the whole time he told us "Thats what you get...dont use any towels and sleep in the basement." Worst part is, I think i still fucked Rockin Robyn a few weeks later. I was young!

And there you have it.

Like I said, you CANNOT make this stuff up.

Parents, teach your kids about STD's , their causes and treatments. I just googled STD pics but I won't do that to yall...its too early. Google them for your kids though. I SWEAR TO GOD that will make them sick to their stomach and scare them into wearing a condom.

Trust me, its important to do that...because if more kids were using them, there'd be less teenage pregnancy. We all know condoms don't "break."