Gentle Response De-escalation Traininghttp://gentle-response.com
Learn how to quickly de-escalate any situation.Wed, 14 Mar 2018 15:41:59 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.4Police Officers Should Learn To SMILEhttp://gentle-response.com/2018/02/27/police-officers-learn-smile/
http://gentle-response.com/2018/02/27/police-officers-learn-smile/#respondTue, 27 Feb 2018 16:10:05 +0000http://gentle-response.com/?p=659Police officers should learn to SMILE. Based on my personal experience, and that of some of my co-workers, I strongly believe this concept will greatly reduce the number of verbal and physical altercations a police officer may find themself in, and reduce the number of discourtesy complaints against the officer. Cadets in the police academy […]

]]>Police officers should learn to SMILE. Based on my personal experience, and that of some of my co-workers, I strongly believe this concept will greatly reduce the number of verbal and physical altercations a police officer may find themself in, and reduce the number of discourtesy complaints against the officer.

Cadets in the police academy are indoctrinated from day one that they are in charge and in control, and to take charge and to take control of any situation. Unfortunately, these officers then go out and act heavy handed in situations that did not require them to have an “I am the law” attitude , taking control and taking charge. A very recent example took place a few weeks ago at my church when an older lady suffered a medical situation and drove up over the curb and almost hit the church building.

I was not there, but several church staff and volunteers were there to render aid while waiting for the police and EMS to arrive. One of them is a retired deputy from Sacramento County, California. The retired deputy told me that a young female officer showed up and she had the “I am the law” attitude and tough in charge demeanor right off the bat. The retired deputy said that instead of coming across as compassionate, the responding officer came across robotic and harsh. He said that the officer eventually “settled down” and chatted with the driver, even waited with the driver to be picked up by family, but the “damage” had been done. That critical first impression was tarnished. The retired deputy said he does not recall if the responding officer even asked if everyone was okay when she first arrived, and if she had, it was totally lost by her initial body language and her tone of voice.

Why did this officer feel that her initial approach to the call required a tough, take charge attitude and demeanor? I am pretty sure that on her screen the dispatch call would have noted that it was an accident on private property with an older lady suffering from a possible medical condition. What about that call looks like she needed to arrive like the cavalry arrivng to save the day? And if a complaint had been made about her “attitude”, Internal Affairs most likely would just look at whether policy and procedure was violated and MAYBE inform the officer that a complaint had been made about her attitude and tone of voice. But no real effort would be made to educate the young officer about how critical it is that she be very aware of her non-verbal communication.

I am aware that in my 20 years as a police officer, several co-workers were talked to about their interaction with the public. In fact, I know of officers who rather frequently receive discourtesy complaints from the public or who were talked to by other officers who never change. I believe they developed the attitude of “You police your way and and I’ll police my way. As long as I am not violating policy and procedure, it doesn’t matter to me what people think of me as I do my job”. These officers quickly developed the reputation of being heavy handed. Other officers would just shake their head, shrug, and say “That’s just the way they are.”

But what if cadets are taught very early in their career, first in the police academy and then with in-house training at their department, of how critical their non-verbal communication skills are? There is a principle called the law of first mention, which is more commonly used in regards to Biblical studies. I use it to illustrate how information is etched in our minds the first time we are taught or told something in an instructional context. The first time a young man is taught to hunt, change a tire, tie a knot, or the first time a young lady is taught how to cook a specific meal, or apply makeup. It can be very difficult to change how something is done, and I heard a story where this woman always cut off the ends of a particular cut of meat. She was asked why she did this and she replied that was how she was taught. I think it was her adult son who had started asking questions and to make a long story short, he was able to ask his great grandmother who told him that in the old days the family did not have a large enough pan, so the ends were cut off to make the meat fit. People are taught a behavior and action and it gets passed on and no one questions it.

Last October I was contacted by the training unit of the Coral Gables Police Department, Florida. We had a long chat over the phone about how young officers, even some old crusty veterans, really struggle with their people skills, their social and interaction skills, and often times a situation goes sideways that most likely could have been avoided. Take a look at this photo that was taken by one of my instructor/role players at the mall this past January…

What is the body language screaming?

I covered the body language in this photo in a previous article that you can read here.

The training unit at the Coral Gables Police Department asked me to put together a training course where my team and I will “train the trainers”, we will pass on what worked for us in our careers, and they will design their own training program to pass on to their officers. Based on my conversation with the Lieutenant at the CGPD training unit and my asking around other buddies of mine from the force, and noting all of our very similar experiences and philosophy on how we interacted with people, I came up with what I call the SMILE concept.

SMILE is an acronym for Soft Methodical Interaction for Law Enforcement. I had observed that young officers tend to start off too “harsh”, they arrive on scene with an “I am the law” attitude. I say start soft, start with a smile. A smile can always turn into a frown. Be Methodical and flexible, always maintain officer safety protocols and situation awareness and continuously assess the situation and be prepared to ratchet things up if necessary. Interact with a subject and the public using non-verbal skills too, be aware of what signals and messages your non-verbals may be transmitting. Interact by being in the moment and exercise reflective listening.

My team and I will spend 2 days in Coral Gables to educate them on the SMILE concept. We certainly do not expect changes to happen overnight, there has been a paradign of actions and behaviors going back decades. I am very well aware that there will be officers who will immediately just roll their eyes, content and convinced that they do not need to change or adjust anything about themselves, and there will be officers who will soak up the information and knowledge because it resonates with how they already want to interact with the people they come in contact with. I strongly believe that educating young officers early in their careers and making them aware of the powerful tool they have in their innate ability to communicate with non-verbals will begin the wheel moving with making changes. And one day we can say that it began with the Coral Gables Police Department, Florida.

]]>http://gentle-response.com/2018/02/27/police-officers-learn-smile/feed/0Non-verbal communication that actually escalates a situationhttp://gentle-response.com/2018/01/25/non-verbal-communication-that-actually-escalates-a-situation/
http://gentle-response.com/2018/01/25/non-verbal-communication-that-actually-escalates-a-situation/#respondThu, 25 Jan 2018 20:29:43 +0000http://gentle-response.com/?p=616Non-verbal communication that actually escalates a situation. It happens much more often than you would think. The ability to communicate by body language and tone of voice goes back to the cave man days. In those earliest days of early man, before languages and alphabets and writing was established, communication was done with facial expressions, […]

]]>Non-verbal communication that actually escalates a situation. It happens much more often than you would think. The ability to communicate by body language and tone of voice goes back to the cave man days.

In those earliest days of early man, before languages and alphabets and writing was established, communication was done with facial expressions, grunts and groans and animated gesturing. And in those earliest days mankind developed the ability to read body language and tone of voice and to this day we pick up on those cues much more readily and probably much more accurately than with spoken words.

We all entered this world and immediately developed non-verbal communication with our parents. We learned to cry when we wanted to be fed or changed, we learned to smile and coo and giggle and laugh while interacting with our parents. As we grew and developed, we learned to make a scowl or frown or roll our eyes with displeasure, and on and on. To this day we still communicate with the world around us with non-verbals, such as hugs and kisses and pats on the back for friends and family.

The trick and challenge is to control those automatic non-verbal communication that our body expresses, especially when dealing with some level of stress. Without controlling certain automatic body language or tone of voice expressions, we may end up escalating a situation without realizing it was OUR fault for mishandling a situation. How did it feel the last time you were trying to communicate with someone about a problem you were dealing with and you caught them rolling their eyes slightly? Didn’t that crush you and make you about want to explode?

When you are in a service oriented career where you are dealing with the public, such as a police officer, it is highly critical that you learn how to communicate with non-verbals, and recognize how your unconscious non-verbals may be effecting the people and situation around you. Take a look at the following photograph:

What does the folded arms and cocked over head say?

I am a retired police officer, and I now teach and conduct training in Conflict De-escalation with an emphasis on dynamic, realistic scenarios. One of my role players came upon this situation at the mall and he immediately keyed in on the displayed body language. The subject was running one of those kiosk stands at the mall, and there was a small family off to the side that must have been part of what the situation was. My friend took a photo for me and told me that in the few moments he observed the situation it appeared to be escalating, just based on the animated gesturing and increasing loud tone of voice of the subject, who kept looking over at the officer with the folded arms and cocked over head.

The contact officer has good form and positioning, he appears to have a good reactionary gap, his hands are in a non-aggressive position by the front of his belt, yet they are in position to react and respond to any assault from the subject. He is facing the subject, showing that he is paying attention and listening to the subject.

The cover officer is displaying contempt, lack of interest, disbelief, and complete lack of empathy and compassion. I have some issue with the proximity of the cover officer for this particular situation, there is a sense of crowding the subject from the photo, which is not going to help the situation. But I’m going to just go over the cover officer’s non-verbal communication, his body language.

There is only one of two things happening here; either the officer knew exactly what he was doing and did not care whether or not he was expressing his thoughts and emotions, or he actually cared about what was going on and was totally oblivious to the message his body was expressing. Either way, the result seemed to be an escalation of the subject’s demeanor and behavior, as observed and described by my friend.

I’m not saying I never felt incredulous with some of the people I dealt with, but I sure as heck tried very hard not to express it by body language or tone of voice because, believe me, I have seen non-verbal communication blow up a situation! My friend who observed part of this situation at the mall stated he felt the whole thing was going to blow up as he walked away. My friend said that as the subject was talking to the contact officer he kept glancing over to the tough-guy officer, and was clearly agitated by the posture and demeanor of the cover officer. The cover officer really should have either changed his posture or stood further away, may be out of peripheral view, so that the subject’s attention remained on the contact officer, as it should have been.

Newly minted, young rookie officers tend to come across way too strong right off the bat, regardless if the situation does not call for that tough, all-business, nothing-but-the-facts demeanor and attitude. Not much effort is made to educate officers on how to be in control and in charge without coming across like a jerk, to be aware of what their non-verbal signals are and how it may be effecting the situation they are entering.

But it isn’t just police officers, I just happen to be using this one photo snap shot of a recent incident as a teaching point. I have seen people in all walks of life, security guards, nurses, doctors, lawyers, supervisors, teachers, business owners, and so on and so on, who do and say things without realizing how their non-verbal signals may actually be escalating a situation. There are people who have a natural knack with talking to people, of calming them down, of getting them to talk and share, and I guarantee you that they do not stand there with their arms folded and head cocked over during the crisis moment, or during the heat of the moment. The good news is these body language awareness skills can be taught.

If you still doubt how critical body language and tone of voice is, consider the last time you had an argument with your significant other, and how it may have been completely avoided if one or both of you had simply used a different tone of voice. Or had used a different body posture.

People need to be aware of their ACE, Appearance (Body language), Communication (Tone of voice, what is said, how it is said), and Engagement (Active reflective listening, be in the moment), or risk having a situation blow up in their face.

]]>http://gentle-response.com/2018/01/25/non-verbal-communication-that-actually-escalates-a-situation/feed/0A well balanced training program enhances proficiency and confidencehttp://gentle-response.com/2017/12/07/a-well-balanced-training-program-enhances-proficiency-and-confidence/
http://gentle-response.com/2017/12/07/a-well-balanced-training-program-enhances-proficiency-and-confidence/#respondThu, 07 Dec 2017 16:53:22 +0000http://gentle-response.com/?p=516A well balanced training program enhances proficiency and confidence. With the recent church shooting in Texas, a lot more churches are now taking security seriously. Everyone is looking into having armed security, they’re going to the range and they’re shooting thousands of rounds. People are asking questions about back pack policies and going over procedures […]

]]>A well balanced training program enhances proficiency and confidence. With the recent church shooting in Texas, a lot more churches are now taking security seriously. Everyone is looking into having armed security, they’re going to the range and they’re shooting thousands of rounds. People are asking questions about back pack policies and going over procedures and taking a closer look at entry points to their buildings.

That’s all good, but let’s not get too focused on shooting guns that we forget to stay on top of things like basic first aid and how to use an AED. I can tell you that at my large church we seem to deal with medical issues just about every Sunday.

How about conflict de-escalation skills? People skills? No one seems to put any emphasis on dealing with people and dealing with people skills, and many times basic de-escalation skills may possibly have changed the outcome of a situation completely. This type of training program is valuable to everyone, private and corporate businesses, teachers, churches, private security, anyone who deals with the public in some capacity, and there is not one person reading this who has not been in a situation where they got into an argument with a friend, or co-worker, or spouse and ended up saying or doing something that actually escalated the situation. I’ve been there, I would later shake my head and say to myself that I should not have said that!!

And in regards to going to the range, I think that it outstanding. Anyone carrying a weapon absolutely needs to be able to hit what they aim at, but it seems the training stops there. What about what to do AFTER a shooting?

As a police officer I use to go through consistent and frequent decision making training, also known as shoot/no shoot drills. We’d go through hours of it, we’d have to deal with fluid dynamic situations and quickly determine what level of force we would use. If lethal force was used, we would then train and follow up with actions and procedures after a shooting such as getting on the radio, checking each other out, rendering aid and so on. So a well balance training program is going to also seriously consider what we use to call in the infantry “Actions on the objective”, things to do and consider doing after the shooting stops and you are waiting for the police to arrive.

A well balanced training program enhances proficiency and confidence. I conduct conflict de-escalation training workshops and decision making scenario training, this type of training helps round out what you have in your training program, helps you and your team develop as a team and be as prepared as possible, and helps with keeping people safe.

]]>http://gentle-response.com/2017/12/07/a-well-balanced-training-program-enhances-proficiency-and-confidence/feed/0Why conflict de-escalation training is important to youhttp://gentle-response.com/2017/10/07/why-conflict-de-escalation-training-is-important-to-you/
http://gentle-response.com/2017/10/07/why-conflict-de-escalation-training-is-important-to-you/#respondSat, 07 Oct 2017 21:35:01 +0000http://gentle-response.com/?p=500Why conflict de-escalation training is important to you … A large number of businesses and organizations have a plan for all sorts of situations, medical emergencies, storm shelter, even hopefully even for an active shooter, but no one seems to take any effort into preparing for when a situation with a client, guest or co-worker goes […]

]]>Why conflict de-escalation training is important to you … A large number of businesses and organizations have a plan for all sorts of situations, medical emergencies, storm shelter, even hopefully even for an active shooter, but no one seems to take any effort into preparing for when a situation with a client, guest or co-worker goes sideways and people get loud, rude and obnoxious. And dealing with people is the one thing that all of us do all day everyday…

You’re probably thinking “I know how to talk to people”… maybe YOU do, but are you SURE that your personnel do too? You may have a person who came across awesome during your interview with them, they have phenomenal interview skills, carried themselves impressively… but are you that sure of how they will respond and behave in a stressful situation?

Why conflict de-escalation training is important to you

Unless you and your staff are in some career field that exposes you to loud, rude, obnoxious people on a consistent basis there is a good chance there are things and you are doing and saying that may actually escalate a situation… For example there are people who are touchy feely and who mean well, want to hug or place a comforting hand on a person’s shoulder, BUT if that person they are trying to comfort and calm down is NOT ready to receive all that love and touching, that situation may blow up.

During the critique phase of my scenario training we go over what was done right and what could be done differently and what to avoid doing! The training is important because this is where you want to learn what it is you can be doing better, differently, and it is during this training that we are going to validate and reinforce in you what you are already doing correctly.

An recent tragic incident is a great “What if” situation, I know that everyone of us has had a situation where in retrospect we can admit to ourselves we could have or should have said or not said something, or done something or not done something…

So anyway, there was this long time employee who got fired, and witnesses say this man began to get loud and upset, and the manager, a female, responded by getting loud in return. After a few moments witnesses stated that another employee, a male, apparently must have felt he had to come to the rescue or aid of the female manager and now there were 3 people angry and loud. After a few minutes the employee who had been fired finally left, and then came back with a gun and killed the manager and the other employee before killing himself.

Why conflict de-escalation training? Why is that important? What if some basic conflict de-escalation techniques had been attempted? This long time employee had just been fired, of course he is upset, hurt, even humiliated. That person is expected to be upset, why not just let them vent? In my 20 years experience as a police officer and my observations in life in general I found that a large number of people who are upset just need to vent. How many of you can also relate to just needing to vent about something? And once you can connect and identify with something that is bothering a person you are on your way to de-escalating a situation. And I am not aware of a situation getting any better any sooner with both people yelling at each other.

Then the other male employee gets involved. It is a basic male animal urge to come to the rescue of a female, and apparently this other male employee felt he needed to get into the argument and joined in. So now the fired employee has TWO people yelling at him, and he may have felt “crowded” within that office, felt ganged up on. IF the female manager had just let the fired empolyee vent, and not said anything, there is a good chance the other male employee may not have felt compelled to insert himself into a situation that did not include him in the first place.

I want to make sure there is NO misunderstanding here, Absolutely ALL blame for this tragedy is on the shoulders of the loser who felt he had to take a gun and murder these 2 innocent people before killing himself, HE made that choice and he alone bears full responsibility of how he responded to the situation. The manager was just doing her job.

Are you sure that as you and your personnel do your jobs and handle inter-personal stress and conflict that you are not inadvertantly doing or saying things that may actually escalate a situation?

That’s why it is very important to have conflict de-escalation training, and not just once a year either, you do not develop skills and confidence in anything from just doing something once a year or every other year.

]]>http://gentle-response.com/2017/10/07/why-conflict-de-escalation-training-is-important-to-you/feed/0Don’t underestimate the importance of a reactionary gap!http://gentle-response.com/2017/07/19/dont-underestimate-the-importance-of-a-reactionary-gap/
http://gentle-response.com/2017/07/19/dont-underestimate-the-importance-of-a-reactionary-gap/#respondWed, 19 Jul 2017 18:03:07 +0000http://gentle-response.com/?p=443Don’t underestimate the importance of a reactionary gap! In the blink of an eye you could suddenly find yourself under attack! When dealing with someone who is loud, rude and obnoxious it is very important that you keep your safety in mind, and do the best you can to maintain a reactionary gap, a safe […]

]]>Don’t underestimate the importance of a reactionary gap! In the blink of an eye you could suddenly find yourself under attack! When dealing with someone who is loud, rude and obnoxious it is very important that you keep your safety in mind, and do the best you can to maintain a reactionary gap, a safe space, between you and the subject you are dealing with.

Don’t underestimate the importance of a reactionary gap!

In the blink of an eye the subject may start to physically assault you, and you are going to need that space to consider your options and to assess the situation as it changes. As your brain processes and recognizes an assault in progress you will need to assess whether you do have time to react and then you will need to consider your reaction options, such as do you zig to the right or zag to the left? Do you just bend at the waist or twist at the waist? Do you step back or to the side? Do you just take the hit and then roll with it into a counter strike? All this will go through your mind if you have time to go through it… And to give yourself time to go through it you need to ensure you have a reactionary gap.

I found a video on Youtube that has the manager of a fast food place dealing with a young man who is loud, rude, obnoxious and highly intoxicated. The manager keeps his cool, is obviously frustrated but stays in control… but he doesn’t maintain a reactionary gap, and you see what can happen… Don’t underestimate the importance of a reactionary gap!

We can’t always control the setting or location of a stressful encounter with someone, but if possible always keep that reactionary gap in mind and do what you have to do to protect yourself. The manager in this situation could have moved around the counter to maintain distance and have something between him and the subject. You do NOT have to stay in a position where someone is in your face and you feel the moisture of their breath on your face!! Don’t underestimate the importance of a reactionary gap!

But you see how suddenly a situation can become a physical assault, and after the initial aggressive contact the manager did not react at all, which in moments allowed the kid to use more force. I would love to see the unedited video to see when and how the manager ultimately responded to the kid.

A reactionary gap needs to be at the very least just beyond your arms reach. Ideally a gap ought to be about 6 feet wide. Your stance is critical too, you need have your feet a comfortable width apart where you have a good solid base stance. Maybe even turn your body to the side a bit, about 45 degrees, so that one possible option in an attack is to lean back and put your weight on your rear foot. The manager appears to lose his footing and balance after the second assault from the kid.

Your hands should be in a relaxed position in front of you, ready to react to any aggression. The manager here has assumed a rather open, contemptuous stance with one hand on his hip and the other leaning on a counter. When the kid starts his assault the manager both times is unable to react in time due to the lack of time to react, because of the lack of a reactionary gap! Distance is time, and time gives you options!

]]>http://gentle-response.com/2017/07/19/dont-underestimate-the-importance-of-a-reactionary-gap/feed/0ONE very basic necessity of a security officer… People skillshttp://gentle-response.com/2017/07/10/one-very-basic-necessity-of-a-security-officer-is-people-skills/
http://gentle-response.com/2017/07/10/one-very-basic-necessity-of-a-security-officer-is-people-skills/#respondMon, 10 Jul 2017 15:12:07 +0000http://gentle-response.com/?p=424ONE very basic necessity of a security officer… Especially one that is unarmed and will have interaction with the public IS PEOPLE SKILLS!! Actually, even before that, an applicant who is seeking a job as a security officer absolutely REQUIRES some sort of personality! I recently had a conflict de-escalation training workshop with the contracted […]

]]>ONE very basic necessity of a security officer… Especially one that is unarmed and will have interaction with the public IS PEOPLE SKILLS!! Actually, even before that, an applicant who is seeking a job as a security officer absolutely REQUIRES some sort of personality! I recently had a conflict de-escalation training workshop with the contracted security officers for a large corporation, and my training cadre and I were totally dumbfounded at some of the caliber of personnel that this security firm assigned to this global corporation.

There may be people who apply for security jobs just to get a job, others may actually have an interest in doing security as a career and these entry level jobs are a starting point for them. They all need to get training in how to deal with situations and incidences involving people. From first aid to dealing with loud, rude, obnoxious people.

At one recent training workshop there was a young man who was attentive during the lecture presentation, but when it came to the scenarios… Oh lawd have mercy… It became glaringly obvious that this poor lamb had no idea what he was doing, what to do, what to say, and where to turn. He seemed very soft spoken and just stood there and was easily overwhelmed by my role players.

Folks, if you have a security business with a juicy contract with a large business or corporation, especially a GLOBAL corporation, will you take a moment to very seriously consider who you are sending, to not only represent you and your business, but to do SECURITY at the client’s location??!!

The biggest reason I started my business was to help train people with no background, training or experience in dealing with loud, rude, obnoxious people and to develop skills and confidence to deal with a stressful situation with a person. As I spoke with the younger members of the security officers it was confirmed to me that people get hired to do security, maybe are taught basic first aid, and then pretty much thrown out to the wolves. Fortunately the corporation they were sent to recognized they desperately needed more training in regards to dealing with people and situations with people and that was why I was brought in. I have noticed that many people get into the security business thinking that it will not be more than checking for locked doors and making sure all the lights are turned off at night, but what about the domestic situation that flares up in the lunch room or in the parking lot? What about the the delivery person or truck driver becoming enraged that something like the paperwork is not ready? What about the homeless trespasser who angrily refuses to leave the property? The answer can not always be saying “I’ll call the cops” !! ONE very basic necessity of a security officer… people skills…

People who apply to be security guards and officers NEED to have a certain amount of self confidence in the first place. From there training and experience will tweak and develop how they do their jobs. And basic people skills are absolutely a MUST if the security guard is going to have contact with people! People skills such as basic communication skills, being able to approach people and start talking and asking questions, be assertive is necessary… People skills such as being able to be empathetic, have some basic conflict de-escalation skills, such as not becoming loud and rude in response to someone who is loud and rude! People skills like being patient and a certain amount of tolerance are very important when dealing with someone who may be angry, or confused and lost, or confused and asking for instructions on how to do something or go somewhere.

I teach 3 basic concepts – Body language, Tone of voice, and active listening, being engaged with the person you are dealing with. A person who wants to do security needs to be aware of their own body language and how they may inadvertently escalate a situation, needs to be aware of their tone of voice and what they say and how they say it, and needs to be aware of how critical it is to be actively listening, be engaged in the moment. And I emphasize those basics with dynamic scenarios.

]]>http://gentle-response.com/2017/07/10/one-very-basic-necessity-of-a-security-officer-is-people-skills/feed/0Slow down and BREATHE!http://gentle-response.com/2017/06/09/slow-down-and-breathe/
http://gentle-response.com/2017/06/09/slow-down-and-breathe/#respondFri, 09 Jun 2017 01:45:52 +0000http://gentle-response.com/?p=397Slow down and BREATHE! The kids are JUST BEING KIDS! Tragically, a young father hosting a little kindergarten graduation party for his 6 year son was shot and killed by another kid’s father after the kids were either rough housing or fighting. Seriously?! Unfortunately, a lot of parents get WAY too invested, involved and emotional […]

]]>Slow down and BREATHE! The kids are JUST BEING KIDS! Tragically, a young father hosting a little kindergarten graduation party for his 6 year son was shot and killed by another kid’s father after the kids were either rough housing or fighting. Seriously?! Unfortunately, a lot of parents get WAY too invested, involved and emotional in regards to their kids and we all have seen these people at the ball game or track meet or what ever. And then in some instances it makes the news. All totally avoidable and could have been de-escalated by one or both parties.

As a police officer I had to deal with trying to keep the peace and mediate and DE-ESCALATE at several incidences with parents. In pretty much every one of those incidences the adults could and should have just taken a breath, slowed down, remembered what it was like to be a kid horsing around, and JUST LET IT GO.

What could these parents or anyone of us do when tensions begin to rise, how can we slow down and begin to de-escalate the situation? We can start breathing. It really is that simple.

Check out this situation with 2 guys who did not know each other but it turned out they were both retired police officers. They both end up pulling guns on each other, one ends up dead, the other severely injured and facing murder charges. All over a parking spot. No sign of any attempt at de-escalating the situation by 2 guys who should have known better… http://https://youtu.be/gf_8PzHP0Z0

What can we do when tensions start to rise? When things start to get stressful? How do we start to de-escalate a situation that is going sideways? We can start making a effort to slow down our breathing. Called “combat breathing” to many of us former military and police officers, the idea is to focus on breathing in the nose for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, exhale out the mouth for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, then inhale in through the nose again for 4 seconds. Repeat as necessary. Believe me, I have used that many times while running lights and sirens to a hot call, going over in my mind options and plans and scenarios and what to do and say and so on. It became 2nd nature and many times I was not aware of having slowed my breathing to stay calm, it just became part of how I operated and responded to stress. Slow down and BREATHE!

When in a stressful encounter with a person it is critical to slow down the breathing to slow down the brain. Studies have shown that the slow, deep, deliberate breathing signals the brain that all is well and to relax. Time after time I have used my breathing in all sorts of situations and incidences to stay calm. If your brain is relaxed, you will be able to think more clearly, and consider options for clearly. In the case of the kindergarten party gone bad, one of the fathers could have slowed down and wondered “Is it REALLY that serious an issue that 2 boys are playing rough to get into a fight with the other parent?!”… Slow down and BREATHE!

Or in the case of the parking issue and 2 retired cops shooting at each other, the offended guy could have and should have slowed down and asked himself “Does that guy’s parking REALLY affect me, my life, my family?”… Slow down and BREATHE!

If you do not control yourself, you are pretty much assured to fail in any attempt to de-escalate a situation with a person , and you will lose all control. I have never seen or been part of any incident that worked itself out peacefully with 2 or more people yelling at each other.

To this day, as I work part time security at my church, when responding to something or someone I am doing my combat breathing and running scenarios in my head as I walk to the where I need to be. It is a part of me, muscle memory, it’s how I stay calm, it’s how I prepare to de-escalate a situation if I have to.

]]>http://gentle-response.com/2017/06/09/slow-down-and-breathe/feed/0Does church security mean you HAVE TO HAVE a gun?http://gentle-response.com/2017/05/24/does-church-security-mean-you-have-to-have-a-gun/
http://gentle-response.com/2017/05/24/does-church-security-mean-you-have-to-have-a-gun/#commentsWed, 24 May 2017 00:02:46 +0000http://gentle-response.com/?p=379Does church security mean you HAVE TO HAVE a gun? NO!! It does not! Though in this day and age I would encourage you to consider having an armed person! There are a lot of churches out there, most of them small to medium size, that have leaders who are under the impression that to […]

]]>Does church security mean you HAVE TO HAVE a gun? NO!! It does not! Though in this day and age I would encourage you to consider having an armed person! There are a lot of churches out there, most of them small to medium size, that have leaders who are under the impression that to have security means there has to be someone running around with a gun. I tell them that can’t be further from the truth, having security could simply be having at least one person set aside during service to keep an eye on the parking lot, because a car lot full of cars is a magnet for those who would try to burglarize cars. We’ve had that issue at my church from time to time.

Having security could also simply be someone who is on call in case of a medical emergency. I spoke at a church last year about their plans to start up a security program and their security leader was not at the meeting because the Sunday before he had suffered a heart attack just before service. Fortunately there were people there to assist but the incident did high light my comment about having AED devices and people trained to use them.

One of the biggest threats to church security comes from within, with a mindset that it can’t or won’t happen here, or a mindset of “that’s the way we’ve always done it” and make no effort to stay abreast with the times and pretends there is no threat to the church. There are also leaders who are so far out of their comfort zone or in way over their head with dealing with security issues that they rubber stamp “NO” on any ideas or suggestions to improve the security plan, and even go as far as sabotaging any efforts to have a written plan down!! I know of a pastor who for years refused to have a written plan down because “it would lock us in and become a liability”. He was against security cameras and also made no effort to create a working team out of the security, usher and greeters, even though that had been suggested and asked for by many different people. People finally began to do what was right and work together despite this person.

Security and safety is EVERYONE’S responsibility! Not just those volunteers on the security team! If you see something, say something! I pointed out during a presentation that the parking lot attendants will most likely be the very first to see something that is DLR, Don’t Look Right. I told them that most of them have been parking lot attendants and cart drivers long enough to know the “normal rhythm”, the “normal flow and feel” of a Sunday morning, and so when your attention is suddenly drawn to someone or something for some reason that you just can not initially put your finger on, DON’T just ignore that feeling!! It may not be anything, BUT IT COULD BE SOMETHING! SOMETHING IS DLR ABOUT IT!

Everyone carries a backpack these days, but maybe this particular person, could be male for female, is also wearing a hoodie up over their head, maybe they are also walking with a purposeful stride, maybe they also seem to be ignoring people around them and trying to avoid contact. This is where “aggressive friendliness” comes in, approach and make contact with this person and see how they react and respond to your cheerful greeting. It is never just ONE thing that makes a person or something suspicious, it’s a number of articulable observations, the totality of the situation. DLR, Don’t Look Right.

I had a recent incident here at my church one afternoon during the weekday. I noticed a man come up behind my desk, and I greeted him. He ignored me and stared past me (mental note 1). He then strode past me with a very purposeful stride (mental note 2). I decided I better check on him and got up to follow him, making sure to note his hands to ensure he did not have a weapon or anything that could be used as a weapon. I made contact with him and sure enough he was upset with a pastor and after talking to him for a few minutes I got him to calm down and he left. He was DLR when I first observed him, ignored my cheerful greeting and walked past me like I was not there with a purposeful stride.

It is the church’s responsibility to provide a save place to worship, and to have security IS Biblical! “For thus hath the Lord said unto me, Go set a watchman, let him declare what he seeth“, (Isaiah 21:6) . And when Nehemiah was rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem he wrote “But we prayed to our God and set guards to protect us day and night.” (God’s word translation Nehemiah 4:9).

You do not have to have guns to have church security, but you do have to have church security, even if it is one person to watch over the parking lot during service.

]]>http://gentle-response.com/2017/05/24/does-church-security-mean-you-have-to-have-a-gun/feed/2An encouraging word for future police officers.http://gentle-response.com/2017/05/09/an-encouraging-word-for-future-police-officers/
http://gentle-response.com/2017/05/09/an-encouraging-word-for-future-police-officers/#respondTue, 09 May 2017 23:58:17 +0000http://gentle-response.com/?p=361An encouraging word for future police officers. It’s a brutal world out there and you are going to have to really believe in what you are doing to be able to deal with it. Do you see those angry people out there burning down their own neighborhoods in protest of YOUR racist, abusive, overly aggressive, […]

]]>An encouraging word for future police officers. It’s a brutal world out there and you are going to have to really believe in what you are doing to be able to deal with it. Do you see those angry people out there burning down their own neighborhoods in protest of YOUR racist, abusive, overly aggressive, excessive style, technique, demeanor and so on? Those people are who YOU are working for, they are who you are serving, they are who you are protecting. Basically you are going to be trying to protect them from themselves.

Last year a friend called me and asked me to talk to a young man who had just come out of the Army and was considering becoming a police officer. My friend put this young man on the phone, he was in his early 20’s, was in the National Guard and had done one deployment. I asked him one thing, “In this day and age with all the hate towards the police, why would you want to be a cop?”… Without missing a beat he responded “Well, I figure I already have cross hairs on my back so I figure what difference would it make”… I honestly was stunned into silence for a few moments and then asked him to repeat himself, which he did. I asked what he was talking about, having cross hairs on his back, and he said that in the Army and while deployed he had cross hairs on his back from ISIS and Al-Qaeda, and so “I figured that being a cop and having cross hairs on my back would be no big deal”. I honestly wasn’t sure how to respond to that at first.

I finally just calmly told him he was going to have to do a serious gut check and consider exactly why he wanted to be police officer, because there is SOOOO much more to being a cop than just putting on a badge and gun. I pointed out to him that unless he felt deep down inside that it was a calling he was going to be chewed up and spat out by the realities of police work. I guaranteed him that at some interview with a police department they are certainly going to ask him a question very similar to what I just did, and though there is no “correct” answer per se, saying that you don’t think it will make a big difference that you have cross hairs on your back is not a correct answer. Maybe that’s just me, but I don’t think so!

We had a girl go through the whole police academy with us, did well, would probably have been a great cop, but after about 2 or 3 weeks on the road with an FTO (Field Training Officer for those who do not know) she resigned, having come to see that the reality of police work is not what she wanted to do. Literally did not last a month of in-house training.

I spoke to a police academy class last summer, and I wanted to end with an encouraging word for these young future police officers. I told them that I strongly believe that being a police officer is a very honorable calling, amazing sense of being part of a team, amazing sense of comraderie, amazing highs and incredible lows but that it has to be that, a calling. Because they are not going to get a lot of high fives from the population, not going to get a lot of appreciation, no “Thank you”, they are going to be second guessed, blamed, vilified, accused of being rude and obnoxious, accused of being racist, accused of using excessive force and so on and so on, and it WILL affect you. But it does NOT have to beat you down and defeat you. I told them that from time to time there will be moments in their career that will validate what you are doing, that will remind you that what you are doing is good and worth while and that you ARE making a difference in someone’s life. I call those moments “nuggets” and I told the class they have to hang on to those nuggets when times get hard. I shared with them one of my earliest nuggets…

I was in an unmarked car and as I turned onto a street came upon a domestic assault in progress in the middle of the street. A guy in his early 20’s had a pregnant girl by the hair, holding her down so she was bent forward and down, and he was punching the back of her head and shoulders. As I slowly rolled up he walked her to the side of the road, never letting go of her and continued to yell and strike her. There were about 5 to 6 people scattered in the area watching the whole thing.

I came to a stop, no more than about 10-15 feet from them, and smiled and asked if everything was okay. They did not notice my uniform. The girl turned her head to look at me and calmly said she was okay, there was no problem. The guy held onto her hair and held her down, so she remained bent forward as she spoke to me. I just sat there and quietly called for backup. The guy now noticed that I was just sitting there and began to yell at me, asking if I had a “fu&%ing problem” and on and on. He let go of the girl and started towards me.

I then got out of the car and as my uniform came into focus for him I saw the obvious look of confusion on his stupid face. Just then my buddies pulled up and we placed him under arrest. While putting the cuffs on him, his pregnant victim had began to call me and my buddies names. Some girls walked up, these same girls who were just watching the victim get brutalized, and began to comfort the victim and also tell her how the police never mind their business and always picking on people and blah blah blah, they all became rude and obnoxious. The pregnant girl was really defensive about her baby’s daddy being arrested “for nothing”, and I remember walking right up to her and calmly telling her that she may think it is okay to be treated worst than a dog in the middle of the evening, in the middle of the street, in front of all these people, but I personally felt she deserved better and that I strongly felt that the guy had to go to jail. I went on to say that I know she will most likely get back with him when he gets out the next morning, but as far as I was concerned at least I knew she was going to have peace and quiet that night. Then I turned and walked away.

Some time passed, maybe a few months or so, maybe longer, but there came a day that I got a subpoena for a domestic assault case. The name did not mean anything to me. As I as walking to the court room that day a attractive girl suddenly ran up and gave me a big hug, Her mom came up and she introduced me to her mom. I had no idea who this girl was. She then started showing me beautiful baby photos. She turned out to be that pregnant girl who was being assaulted in the middle of the street.

She said that later that night, in the peace and quiet of her room, going over the events and things I had said, it really hit her that she did deserve so much better. Her baby definitely deserved so much better. So she broke away from that jerk, and we were both there as witnesses against him for assaulting another girl, and this time he was facing some time and we were there to show a history of assaultive, abusive behavior on his part. He took a plea deal.

The point of the story is that it is the earliest nugget I can remember in my career, where I was validated, where I knew that something I did made a difference, that someone came away making an effort to do better for themselves and their kids because of something I said. And she certainly did not act very appreciative that evening when I stopped him from hitting her.

As time went on and I became aware having made a positive impact or having a positive affect on other people, I would remind myself of those people and those incidences when things got stressful, frustrating, depressing, and chaotic. And I would hang in there, believing that I was making a difference, even if it was not very evident at the moment.

So, all you young future police officers, when things get tough, and they will, you need to believe in what you are doing, why you are doing it, and believe and know that you ARE making a difference.

]]>http://gentle-response.com/2017/05/09/an-encouraging-word-for-future-police-officers/feed/0De-escalation- What not to do as demonstrated on American Airlines recently.http://gentle-response.com/2017/04/25/de-escalation-what-not-to-do-as-demonstrated-on-american-airlines-recently/
http://gentle-response.com/2017/04/25/de-escalation-what-not-to-do-as-demonstrated-on-american-airlines-recently/#commentsTue, 25 Apr 2017 21:57:51 +0000http://gentle-response.com/?p=343De-escalation- What not to do as demonstrated on American Airlines recently. Dramatically demonstrated I must add. Most everyone by now is aware of the incident on American Airlines on April 22, but since I am aware of people who really do not catch the news in any way, here is a quick summary by way […]

]]>De-escalation- What not to do as demonstrated on American Airlines recently. Dramatically demonstrated I must add. Most everyone by now is aware of the incident on American Airlines on April 22, but since I am aware of people who really do not catch the news in any way, here is a quick summary by way of a video shot on board the aircraft.

Okay, again, I was not there, but there are some things on the video that are compelling and I want to address those as a teaching point. In the video you do hear the AA guy (American Airlines guy) tell the male passenger “You don’t know what the story is”, and that may be true but from what I gathered from witnesses who spoke to the media and from what we do see on the video the AA guy was in the wrong. The AA guy apparently took a stroller from the blonde woman, who had 2 toddlers with her, in a manner that almost hit the children and it upset the mother. Witnesses also commented that the AA guy was rather rough. It quickly began to spiral out of control.

In the video we see the blonde female weeping and apparently very distraught with a child in her arms, there nothing about her to suggest that she was hostile or aggressive or antagonistic towards anyone, and again nor have any witnesses said so. She also seems very embarrassed and pleads for her stroller, and it sounds like she said “you can’t be violent with babies just give me back my stroller please”. And then a male passenger who had been observing the whole thing gets fed up and demands to know the “guy’s name that did that with the stroller”.

A few moments go by and the AA guy comes into view, and the male passenger calls out to him, while pointing at the AA guy, “Hey bud, hey bud, you do that to me and I’ll knock you flat!”. I teach that one of the main things, one of the most critical things you do NOT want to do when de-escalating a situation is point your finger at them! The male passenger was incensed about what he had observed the AA guy do, and it surely did not help when he started pointing at the AA guy first, but see how the AA guy responded to the male passenger! The AA guy about came out of his skin reacting and responding the male passenger, lunging at and pointing back at the male passenger! The AA guy yells at the male passenger “YOU stay out of it!”.

AA crew member angrily pointing at a passenger

In my humble opinion it was the responsibility of the AA crew to de-escalate the situation, and especially the responsibility of the AA guy in question. Clearly he had done something and/or said something to upset a passenger and from comments you can make out in the video other passengers were not impressed with him either. When de-escalating a situation with an angry person, in this case the male passenger, you need to be very aware of your Body language and tone of voice. The AA guy in this case absolutely failed in both. Look at his body language, facial expression, aggressive posture with pointing and lunging forward, and listen to his tone of voice, what he said and how he said it. No way was that going to de-escalate any situation and sure enough the male passenger comes out of his seat and closes in on the AA guy. The AA guy just escalated the situation and judging by the size of the male passenger the AA guy was about to get a beat down!

The AA guy should have recognized that he, in a service industry, may have done something that upset a customer, a client, a passenger. Remember the old saying “The customer is always right”? He should have become very humble and apologetic especially to the upset woman holding the one child. When the male passenger spoke up the AA guy should have acknowledged that passengers who saw what had happened were upset with him, and he should have understood that the male passenger was upset with him. Instead of getting hostile and pointing a finger at the male passenger the AA guy should have calmly said something to the effect of “Yes sir, I do apologize. Please just remain in your seat”. I am strongly convinced that the male passenger would NOT have come out of his seat and got in the AA guy’s personal space if the AA guy had responded in some way as I suggested, calmly, with a non aggressive, non hostile body posture, non aggressive facial expression.

AA guy’s tone of voice… Nothing about it was calming or soothing and peaceful either. Demanding, commanding, “You stay out of it!” . And after the two men are separated you see and hear the AA guy say “You don’t know what the story is!” And you can tell by the way he says it with his lips curled in, baring his teeth, that he is full of adrenaline and ready to fight. I can tell you that having body posture like that, baring teeth, aggressive body posture, and firm demanding tone of voice and words just aren’t very successful in de-escalating situations!

Now parents may condition their children to respond when the parent assumes a certain expression and uses a certain tone, but that is very different than trying to de-escalate an angry, agitated person. In the family certain family dynamics and communication cues are established and learned and used. When dealing with strangers it is very different, even if they are acting like 2 year olds throwing a tantrum!

There are three very basic concepts you need to be aware of when dealing with and trying to de-escalate a person, I have come up with the acronym ACE, and that refers to your APPEARANCE, your COMMUNICATION, and your ENGAGEMENT. Basically, your body language, your tone of voice, and whether or not you are engaged and actively listening to the other person. This AA guy totally blew it, lost self control, and then lost total control of the situation and that is not good when passengers are looking to the crew for leadership and guidance. It seems that other crew members may have dropped the ball too, and not doing anything to help de-escalate the situation with the distraught lady and the AA guy in the first place, in the video they seem to just be standing around.