The Bachelor Recap: Viva Bach Vegas

I pinched a nerve wincing at Olivia tonight—from the highs (“I’m zen with Ben”) to the lows (everything else), the ride never left Awkwardtown. But I think we all learned an important lesson tonight: Always own your choices—they felt right to you at one point for a reason.

Most depressing revelation: Group talent show anxietyThe date card says “show,” and the girls all perk up at the idea that they might be getting to channel showgirls—though Lauren H. will not do nipple tassels, OK, not again, not after her disastrous parent-teacher night number last year. Then they find out that it’s a clothes-on talent show and flat-out panic. We don’t have talents. We brought some of those chicken-cutlet bra pad things, can we do something with those? The sheer terror inspired by the demand to display one skill—this is why cellist Jubilee looked like she was awaiting the apocalypse for the rest of the episode.

Strongest sign production is out to get Olivia: ThisYou don’t come across a giant, woman-housing cake on your own—you just don’t. You need the assistance of a whole department of fairy enablers who can make all your insecurities come true. What’s that, Olivia? You murmured that maybe you should just jump out of a cake? It’s a great idea, Ben would love it, here it is, no going back or we’ll bill your parents for it, said an evil propmaster who, via Olivia, will exact revenge on every mean blonde from his high school.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” award: Lauren H.That’s what they say about Vegas, in addition to this lesser-known slogan: “Vegas—where white girls from Michigan dressed like chickens can get down with puppets discreetly.”

Lamest tough-guy look: Ben in his leather jacketWhat time of year was this shot that a man in Vegas needed a shawl collar sweater and a leather jacket to stay warm? Most of the women are fine wearing strategically placed rainbow rubber bands, so I’m not buying Ben’s Danny Zuko look.

Happiest vampire: CailaCaila has gained zero ground so far this season, but she’ll be glad to narrate the action in a serene, just-got-out-of-a-Swedish-massage tone—as long as she’s permitted to violently inhale Ben’s face twice an episode.

Most likely to be annulled: Everyone Ben marriedBecause if you were already thinking, as that fourteenth mojito wore off, that you might be making a mistake, there’s nothing like a big eyeful of the minister’s chest hair to seal the deal.

Passive aggressive assassin: JojoJojo hits Olivia with a cool backhand that doesn’t waste a word: “My relationship with Ben has been passionate and we haven’t had a lot of time to talk… I would never say I love you unless it was reciprocated, you know?” And here I thought Jojo’s superpower was keeping her scrap of a shirt on while a helicopter tried to get her topless.

Best lil’ stowaway: RachelRachel might be unemployed in real life, but on this show she did a hell of a job of tricking Ben into thinking she was either Caila or Jojo, whichever one wasn’t in the room right then.

Most unexpected plot twist: The twins’ normalcyWho knew the twins (job description: twins) would turn out to be the most well-adjusted people on this season? They are so down-to-earth for siblings dating the same man and weathering the worldwide success of their secret third sister, Taylor Swift.