I accidentally hit a curb in my car, apparently hard enough to damage the sidewall of the tire. An ominous-looking bump appeared, rendering the car undriveable until we got a replacement tire. We had a spare but for some reason there was something wrong with the spare that Jason explained and I don't know I wasn't listening zzzzzzzzzboring, look, you're going to need to accept that I am a Classic Awful Girl when it comes to car stuff and move on, okay?

One week ago:

Jason finally made up his mind about the tire, because you know how he is about tires. He ordered a "slightly used" tired off eBay to save us from having to replace multiple tires, because the other tires were fine, at least according to the highly scientific tread-measurements we conducted using various coin of U.S. currency and also zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzboring.

In the meantime:

Jason worked from home most days, other days we haggled and juggled and chauffeured everybody around in the other car, like pilgrims or whoever it was who lived in the days of everybody only having one car.

Last Tuesday:

Jason mentions that it's probably time to maybe start thinking about replacing the clutch on the other car, our now semi-only car. The car is only seven years old, but apparently the clutch on this particular car wears out much sooner because it was a poor match for the car's power according to the guys on the forums, at which point I mime passing out and drooling, because our car has a FORUM, haaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzboring, I only watch Top Gear for the parts where shit gets blown up and Captain Slow gets lost.

Last Thursday:

I noticed the car is revving a bit more than usual in first gear. I blame the air conditioning. I do not turn off the air conditioning, I just glare at it real pointedly-like.

Last Friday:

FedEx claims our new-old tire is out for delivery and should arrive any minute. FedEx is a filthy liar. I leave to pick Noah up from school in the other car. It's...revving a lot, in the lower gears. It's...wow, that's really embarrassing sounding, you know? It sounds like I have no idea how to drive a stick shift and am burning out the clutch at every stoplight and...wow, I AM burning out the clutch at every stoplight, if that awful smell is any indication.

I attempt to solve the problem by turning off the air conditioning and lowering the windows. I should really apply for The Amazing Race or something.

By the time I get to Noah's school, however, it's clear that the air conditioning has nothing to do with it, like NO SHIT SHERLOCK, and I ponder my options:

1) Call Jason, get instructed to turn the air conditioning off, get into a snippy fight about that because SHERLOCK, NO SHIT, ask him to put the baby and himself in a car with an about-to-blow tire to come get Noah and I, have him arrive only for the car to magically fix itself and drive totally fine because THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AND YOU KNOW IT.

2) Risk it and drive home.

I go with option 2 because:

1) The car is driving fine in the higher gears, if I can just get to the highway without having to stop too many times I'll be okay, and

2) It's not like a clutch just up and dies completely in the span of 24 hours, right?*

*I fully admit that I have NO IDEA what the actual accepted answer to this question is, but it sounded good at the time.

Of course, I hit every. Single. Red light. Between his school and the highway. The on-ramp is backed up and we slow to a crawl. I beg the car to stay in second. BEG. Out loud, alternating between soothing little-engine-that-could pep talks and profanity-laden threats of selling it for scrap. Shit, I lose second. First is completely fucked. Rev rev REV! We're still moving and I bash the shifter around trying to get the car to go into any gear. Pick a gear! Come on! You can do it! Or I will set you on fire! Yay!

We get on the highway and away from the traffic and I'm in fifth gear and the car is revving up close to the red band and we're going...40 miles an hour. And dropping. The car's essentially in neutral and I realize that okay, OKAY. This isn't going to happen, time to cry uncle and pull over.

The second my brain finally makes this brilliant, belated decision, there's a loud BANG, like a tire blowout, and a puff of smoke. I make it to the side of the road and stop the car, where my OH SHIT NOW WHAT problem-solving session is immediately interrupted by Noah.

(Aside: Of course this would happen right when Noah is in that stage where he's just fully realized that cars get into accidents and people get hurt and ambulances and fire trucks are more than just fun sirens. The other car's "bumpy tire" has been a point of constant obsession with him, especially since he overheard me take responsibility for hitting the curb, which meant Mommy was in a Car Accident, which is a Big Scary Deal.)

He's terrified. "Did someone hit us? Did we have a car accident?" he asks, over and over again. I try to reassure him that we're okay, that something just broke on the car but we're okay! We'll be okay! PLEASE ALLOW THE CONSTANT HOLLOW PROMISES COMING FROM MY MOUTH TO SERVE AS YOUR PERSONAL 'EVERYTHING IS OKAY ALARM'.

Next, I call Jason and freak out all over the place at him. The clutch! The car! There was a bang! And smoke! Shit just got REAL, MAN.

Jason asks if I'd tried turning off the air conditioning. I temporarily pixelate myself into invisible radio wave particles that travel through my phone to go murder him on the other end. Then I say yes.

Miraculously, I discover that I have a AAA card in my wallet. Even more miraculously, it has not expired.

Last Friday Until Like, RIGHT NOW, Oh My God, Is What It Felt Like:

AAA promises a tow, escalates my case because there's a child in the car and other cars are flying by at high speeds, and I watch them from my side mirror in a total panic because a truly SHOCKING number of people have serious issues STAYING ON THEIR SIDE OF THE WHITE LINE.

(That blow out was fully and wholly Jason's fault because he took the car to some kind of crazy rally racing thing, where he wore all the tread off the tires in a single day, and then got all caught up in further endless comparison shopping about finding the perfect tires.)

(Apparently there are all sorts of options besides "round.")

I call Jason back just to point out that hey, are you noticing a pattern here? You put off some kind of important general maintenance thing and yet I'm the one who nearly dies in a fiery blaze of horror on I-270?

We also agree that he should probably risk driving the other car and come get poor Noah, who greets this news not with relief, but SHEER UNADULTERATED PANIC, because of the BUMPY TIRE! We can't drive with the BUMPY TIRE! We will have a CAR ACCIDENT! The compliceman will YELL AT US! And every other assorted car safety lesson I have ever spouted at him suddenly came back and bit me in the ass. And here I didn't even think he'd been listening.

Jason arrives and offers to stay with the Bad Car while I drive the boys home in the Not Quite As Bad Car. I eye the other car and decide that you know what? I'd really rather stay with the one that's a bit further along in the broke-down-towing process. Thanks though!

I get to ride in a tow truck for the first time ever! It's not really as fun as you'd think.

(I pretended like I wasn't taking this picture because OMG, who takes pictures while in a tow truck? Me? Noooooo. Except yes.)

I take a cab home from the auto repair shop, since Jason broke out in a case of post-bumpy-tire-traumatic stress once he got the boys safely home and didn't want to drive it again. He sends me a text message, though, while I'm waiting for the cab to arrive:

new tire just came.

Today:

New tire installed on the one car, still sitting around in the zero sum game of Everything Going To Shit All At Once, waiting to hear back from the auto shop about whether the clutch went peacefully or if that bang sound managed to take out the entire transmission in a glorious flaming act of automotive murder-suicide. The guys on the forums said it might be the flywheel or half shaft or clutch hub or maybe the shaftyshaftzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzboring.

I was driving through Maine once when I heard a loud bang and the car immediately started to slow down while making a sound like a jet engine taking off. My totally scientific plan for dealing with this? Turn up the car radio louder and push the pedal to the floor just to keep up with traffic in the slow lane.

I made it from Bangor to Augusta before finding a garage. My catalytic converter had apparently dropped off on the I-95 on-ramp. Then I found out that because I'm from Canada, and the car I was driving was built in Canada, that the same model doesn't exist in the US. Seriously.

The nice men at the garage in Augusta ended up driving to a scrap yard, finding a similar model car, ripping off the catalytic converter and somehow jury-rigging one to fit my car.

My point is that I have a propensity for turning up the radio to drown out bad warning sounds, and also that I've been there and totally know how frustrating and wretched it is when your car goes to pieces underneath you.

Oh, I love this story. I mean, that seriously sucks for you, but I have SO BEEN THERE. And I took an unauthorized photo of the tow truck loading up the car, too. But I really love how, when it's not happening to you, it can seem really humorous. Maybe next time I'll remember that when I'm in the thick of it. Because I am sure there will be a next time. sigh.

I accidentally hit a curb once when my car was still new. It has been fucked up ever since.

Last week, I rotated/replaced two tires YET AGAIN because apparently I can hold my breath longer than this repaired-but-ruined-forever car can hold an alignment...which means the tires wear unevenly and badly. I would say that having to deal with this shit myself is the only reason I regret divorcing my ex, but haha! I was married to a guy who would just nag me to deal with this shit myself.

Boo.

So I have two new pricey tires and two tires that, while passable for a while longer, have been accused of "cupping and feathering." I don't know what that means, but it sounds dirty.

Dude, you don't have a used tire shop nearby where you can just drive in and they take care of it in like, 10 minutes? Or does Jason just take pride in tire selection? I've just never heard of someone ordering that sort of thing online before unless it's like a really special part or something...

Yeah, I had a catalytic converter issue like Hannah's above. I was driving from Gulf Shores, AL to Athens, GA (about 420 miles) and couldn't figure out why, every time I approached a hill, I would drop from 80mph to around 40mph.

NIGHTMARE.

And conveniently, my clutch was replaced about 6 months after the converter was.

Ah. Cars. I luckily have not had to deal with "flat tire on the side of the road". But I did have to deal with "Car randomly Stalling out at Red Lights". Multiple times. fun shit. Especially when I found out that the reason was because there was an oil leak into the transmission or something and there were wires sitting in oil. I continued driving that car for another 5 months or so. basically until my husband had the car die on him at a red light. Because really it's never a problem as long as it doesn't happen to him.

Incidentally I'm currently driving my car with only 3 lug nuts on one of the wheels (out of 4). I think this also is one of those "it'll be FINE, honey!" things where it's only fine because I'm the one doing the driving, not him.

Whoa! That is a doozy of a doom story. I'm really glad you're all okay and Noah learned a valuable lesson... um, that sometimes shit happens and stuff (I'm not so good at picking morals from stories). I've also got no car-related advice, am a useless commenter. You know what's kind of funny though? British people spell tire - tyre. I can't pass an auto shop without reading the "tyre" signs as YE OLDE TYRES FOR SALE! I've lived here 4 years and it still doesn't get old. No one understands me.

Oh, and also? I know that a lot of women balk at the mere mention of car stuff but EVERYONE should know how to change a tire. Especially women, because do you really want to be at the mercy of some random stranger while you're broken down on the side of the road? I have only done it about 4 times and it takes less than 15 minutes. I even taught my 9 year old how to do it and she can do it faster than me. This is a very important life-skill.

wishing to pixelate yourself and travel through soundwaves to made me burst into laughter at work. also made me think of mike tv from willy wonka. thank you for helping me to burn 1.5 of the eleventy billion calories i just consumed via reeses peanut butter cups.

I got to ride in a tow truck in college when I blew my engine thanks to an oil leak on the way home for Thanksgiving - apparently adding more oil every 50 miles and crossing my fingers I made it home wasn't such a bright way to deal with it. But I did make it to within 20 miles and I had a cell phone (back in the mid-90's when they were more of a big deal) to call AAA, so it didn't turn out so bad apart from not having a car back at school while my parents figured out whether to replace the engine or get a replacement car. The engine won.

wow - never heard of ordering used tires online. Now I feel like even more of a car ignoramus than usual. Also, I tend to ram into curbs every other day, and I've certainly driven tires with knots and bumps all over them. I didn't know that was a VERY BAD THING. Thanks for the PSA!

I totally ruined a tire once by turning too quickly into a parking lot and hitting the tire on the curb. It made a really loud and horrible noise, and the teenagers snickered at me. Grrr.

But what's up with the ordering used tires online? I just take it to one of those tire places, and if it's fixable, they'll repair it free of charge. Although in this case, a bumpy tire is not repairable.

As for the clutch. Yikes!!! I have a stick shift and am wondering if this will happen??? My car is almost 7 years old and has had no real issues, but I'm scared. Thanks for the nightmares.

Each of my coworkers came into my office as I was reading this post, wanting to know what the hell was wrong with me. I was trying to keep the uncontrollable cackling to a minimum, but I think that just created other strange noises and silent tears. Thank you!

For some reason, our family goes through tires like water. My favorite was when the tire was spewing air loudly enough that I could hear it when I got our and the spare was already on the car from a prior incident and I was supposed to have my hair colored. So I went ahead and had my hair colored, then called the nice AAA people and waited for them in a Starbucks. Because my husband wouldn't come and get me because the baseball game was on. 1/162. Still annoyed about that one.

dude - i am so sorry bc i know it is stressful...but you make it so funny!

BWT - love top gear. discovered it a couple of weeks after the first kids was born (otherwise read - totally delirious and sleep deprived and...everything) i came across the episode where they make cars into boats. have you see that one? it was so good they actually have come back and re-done the concept in another season. was laughing hard the husband come out from the other room to make sure i hadn't totally lost my shit. and i am not a car fan at all...these guys are just funny.

Having driven every shit car in the universe (single mom of three) I can totally relate to this. I did, however, once have one that fixed its own transmission. This was after the month-long horror of the car not starting in the mornings and me having it towed and then they'd let it sit around in the garage for a couple hours and it would start beautifully and I'd get these phone calls about "little lady, you need to just pump it once and try not to flood it" and finally one day the tow truck driver couldn't get it started, and I called the mechanics and relayed that fact to them, along with the fact that "and he even has a penis!" and finally SOMEONE (probably the girl on the switchboard) figured out that it was not starting out in the cold but would start once it had sat in the warm garage a couple hours and maybe it's the choke?

Anyway, one morning the car, an automatic, would not go into reverse to back out of my parking place. So I called Double A M C O and had them come get it. The guy called that afternoon and said it needed a new transmission and since it was front-wheel drive (a new and exciting thing in the late 80s) it would cost $1800 and I nearly died on the spot. I told him do not fix it, I will come by after work and pick it up. And I did. The guy said "you know, I put it in reverse and heard this really loud clunking noise" and he also said "you aren't actually going to drive that, are you?" and I pointed out that it was just 2-3 miles and my daughter was following me - and the car made it home fine, and I drove it another two years before trading it. Apparently that clunking was the transmission healing itself. Like "Christine" in the movie.

I hate cars when they go bad. It's the only time I wish I had a husband.

Poor Amy and Noah!
I agree with Jules that every woman should know how to change a tire (not that I agree that you should ever have to actually change it yourself, but it's a good life lesson). If you always keep your car manual in the car it should have instructions.
In college my friend and I were driving home from a long trip to see another friend. A car next to us totally lost a tire... like it flew off, through the ditch in the median and jumped the northbound traffic! We got a good laugh and about 5 miles later we blew out a tire. We changed it ourselves and then the spare went flat less than a mile later. It was a rough day!

I have a tire story too! Late last year I noticed that our car was driving sort of funny. I was pulling to one side so I thought that it needed a new alignment. Well before we could get it done my husband's grandfather got very sick and was in the hospital three hours away. So we drove up to see him, the whole time the pulling getting worse. We left the next evening to head home and 8 miles out of town the now unbearable pull was making a noise. A kind of floppy noise. A floppy noise that means 'your tire is flat you idiot'. So does my husband take the exit to the very well lit McDonalds which is very close by? No, he drives 10 feet further and stops near the on ramp. So it was the drivers side front tire and it was as flat as a pancake. My husband was freaking out and since I was the calm one I was the one to pull out the manual and change the tire on the side of HWY 264 in the dark, in the November cold. We got back on the road and made it into town when his grandmother called to tell us his grandfather had died. So we had a choice of buying two new tires (the flat was unreapairable) or driving to the funeral on I 95 on the spare. We decided to buy 2 new tires, but it turns out ALL the tires were shot and had to be replaced! Since then things were fine, until two weeks ago when I drove to Wal-Mart to get groceries with a very flat back right tire. No noise this time so I didn't know until I got out and looked back at my car going into Wal-Mart. I spent the morning in the tire place to get the flat fixed. Since then I have gotten VERY paranoid about the tires and I always think they look flat. Can you blame me?

Anyway, i'm glad things worked out ok for you and I hope the clutch can be replaced without eating too much of your savings.

I'm sorry to laugh at your troubles, kid...but it's your fault for telling it so funny. And AAA rocks. I once called them in the dead of winter because I ran out of gas in the driveway warming my car up while I showered. They came and gassed me up, had a coffee, and I was on time for work. I'm sorry, that's BETTER than a husband!

This post made my day. I LOVE the zzzzzboring space-out you do when Jason talks to you about cars. That's what happens to me when my husband starts talking about computers, or "apps", or any other such techno-geek-talk. I literally cannot keep listening.

I have had my share of broken down cars and waiting on the side of the road for a tow truck and so I totally feel your pain.

One particular instance still strikes fear in my heart. Returning from a two-hour trip one EASTER SUNDAY with a ONE-MONTH-OLD baby and a 3-yr old, our transmission died. We were stranded on the side of the interstate, in a sparsely populated area, and my husband had to hoof it to a service station to get help. (We had called the emergency state police number, and were told that they didn't consider our situation AN EMERGENCY!). I will always be grateful to the tow truck driver who 1) left his family on Easter Sunday to come get us and 2) violated his company's policies by letting me and the baby ride in his cab while my husband and son rode in the car WHILE IT WAS BEING TOWED. My husband tried to make it an adventure for our son, but was secretly terrified himself.

Car trouble is the pits. Thank God for the kindness of strangers. And for AAA.

1) I am so sorry for your car trauma. May it be fixed shortly and easily and inexpensively.

2) This sentence is pure literary genius and why I love you: "I temporarily pixelate myself into invisible radio wave particles that travel through my phone to go murder him on the other end." Thank you so much for writing.

This is the first post of yours I've sent along to my boyfriend -- he got a good laugh, and then went back to his WRX forums. We've seen every episode of Top Gear. Hilarious entry, and I hope your car troubles clear up soon!

Oh, Amy. I laughed out loud. Not at your car situation, of course, because that SUCKS, but at your very special brand of storytelling.

Also, an aside: I have been reading your blog for so long that I didn't even have to click on the link - I remembered when you got stranded on the side of the road last time. And let me just say that you handled it much better than I would have. Both times.

What a nightmare, funny but also not funny, so many bad things can happen in a situation like that, glad the police and AAA made it sort of OK.

Tell your husband ebay is not the place to buy a TIRE - how much could he have possibly saved having to pay for shipping? Seriously - safety is not worth $50, next time tell him to take his butt down to the AutoTire, or Sam's or whatever you all have out there and get a dang tire. Then he can break down in his own clutch going out car and wait for AAA. You and especially not you and your sometimes anxious sweetheart of a little boy should not have had to deal with that. Yes, I am mad at him. :) For a little while anyway, I know he makes up for these little stupid things by being great most of the time.

And as for cars magically fixing themselves? They totally bloody do! The only time I never have a problem with a car is when I have the car mechanic inside (having said "let me show you the problem")... and invariably there appears to be no problem (other than the fact that "a woman is driving"!

I'm loving the part about you pixelating yourself into invisible radio wave particles. I am totally going to try that the next time my husband says something ridiculous on the phone. I shouldn't have to wait long....

I feel your pain on the bumpy tire. I JUST put new tires on my minivan to the tune of $500 I certainly did NOT have, and about 2 months later hit a curb so hard - yep, bumpy tire (that's a broken belt in the tire, btw). Thank JEEBUS for buying the road hazard protection - new tire only cost $10. However, the alignment I had to get so as not to chew UP the new tire was $79.99. Sigh.

(For everybody wondering why Jason orders tires online: That's actually not THAT weird. I mean, relatively speaking. Stock tires are always overpriced because the tire places KNOW they're stock and will be popular. Plus, the damaged tire was not that old, and you can't just replace ONE tire, and we didn't want to replace tires that didn't NEED replacing. So it did save us a lot of money to find a tire with similar tread wear and just replace the one. Usually the tires ship overnight but this time there was a PayPal hiccup that we didn't realize, so that's why it took a long time.)

(But yeah. Still. Jason is a total Tire Snob. I suggested going to NTB or something and I might as well have suggested we renew our wedding vows at the Wal-Mart.)

Thanks for sharing and I am glad you are all right. What a trooper for going through this and with Noah, no less!
My friend and I had a similar experience driving across country while in college. Needless to say we didn't make it the whole way. The car (a 4 speed manual) wouldn't idle so I had to keep my foot on the gas and rev the engine while shifting. I kept asking my friend (who's car it was) if she wanted me to keep going, knowing full well we should stop. However, since she had just been in the hospital (yes, the car breaking down wasn't the only event during our trip) and was on pain killers I probably shouldn't have listened to her. Of course, we got the big bang and smoke as well and she ended up having to replace the engine. Turns out they think we didn't have any oil in the car. Who knew you should check the oil more frequently when putting in 600 miles a day or more in. Luckily it makes for a great story.
Keep up the great work and may you never have such a car story to write again.

About 9 months after I bought my used car, I drove up to the mountains for my new sister-in-law's bridal shower. I just thought it was SO important that I go since my brother told me it was very important to him. Of course, my effing transmission started to go out as soon as I was in the foothills. But I am a total dumbass and kept driving another few hours, because I felt I just HAD to be there. And then I drove home again! In an apocalyptic rain storm! The car jerking and revving like a jet engine the whole time. SUCH A FOOL I was. The worst part (besides $2000 for repairs) was that only a few girls showed up anyway, and the bride was an hour late herself!

"Captain Slow"! OMG, that's funny! Had to stop right there for a couple minutes to walk around the house and laugh, telling everyone the joke. And they got it. Because we may be useless car people, but we love us some Top Gear. Okay, I'm heading back in to read the rest. TYVM for the giggle.