Jeff pulls his Toyota Avalon into the garage after a stressful day of sales meetings. Working as a sales manager is not his ideal job but it pays well enough that his wife chose to stop working and care for the kids full time. Jeff grabs his cell phone and keys and walks to the front yard to check the mailbox. On his way inside he shuffles through the mail. Glancing up from looking at the mail in his hands he sees it and freezes.

His wife sits at the kitchen turned away from him slightly, but he can tell she’s been crying.
​He tries not to panic. He wants to run but he can’t just leave her like that, she’s obviously hurt. With a burst of courage he approaches.

What do you do when your wife cries? Do you try to rescue her from her emotions? Tell her how to change her attitude? Fix what is bothering her? Panic and do nothing? Tell her a joke and change the subject? Try to cheer her up? Compare her circumstances to something worse? Do you ignore her to give her space?

Emotion is a window into the heart. Your response to your wife’s emotion is critical. Mishandle the moment and you could hurt her heart and damage your connection.

​You can come through for your partner, save the princess in distress, and be the hero.

1. Engage.

Don’t miss the moment. Be like Jeff and boldly approach your wife when she’s crying. Every time your wife shows emotion is a wonderful opportunity to express your love for her. Don’t chicken out, guys. You may feel uncomfortable with her emotional outburst but be available anyway. You’ve got what it takes to be present with your wife even when she cries.

You must check your own emotions before you can be available to respond to hers. Check yourself first. How do you feel when your wife is emotional? Perhaps you’re afraid she’s hurt, she’s upset with you, or you’ll be exposed as an inadequate partner. Perhaps you feel manipulated and defensive, or annoyed and angry. Responding to your crying wife with anger is a major bone-head move and a common mistake.

3. Don’t look for a problem, try to identify her emotion.

As men, we want to know what happened to her to make her cry so we can fix it. Your deep desire to protect your wife is honorable, but when your problem-solving efforts are mistimed you only add to her hurt. She doesn’t need fixing. She’s not broken. She’s simply feeling an emotion.

Just because you don’t need to fix something doesn’t mean you have to veg out, you can still take action. Work on identifying her emotion. She may be feeling sad, disappointed, sentimental, fearful, or happy. Pay attention. Put the clues together. Then if you still have no idea, ask her. Be careful not to be a doofus. You can’t ask “What’s your problem?” or “What are you crying for?” Instead, ask “What are you feeling right now?” even better, ask without a question. Simply point out that you’re interested in her. “I see you’re crying, I’m interested to know what you’re feeling.”

It may seem weird but your wife wants you close to her. Your physical closeness communicates emotional availability. Giving her space when she cries can feel cold, like you’re abandoning her. Sit next to her. Give her a hug. Touch her hand and look at her.

5. Respond with empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share in her emotion. If your wife is sad or scared, tell her “It’s ok to feel sad,” and respond with comfort. Responding to her emotion this way makes it safe for her to risk vulnerable emotions with you. Emotional safety is foundational to incredible intimacy in marriage.

6. Stay with it.
​Your wife’s emotional moments may last longer than you think they should. Even if seeing her cry for 37 seconds feels like a century to you, stay with her. Remember you have what it takes to be her hero. Holding her for twenty to thirty minutes can really help, too.

Men - What do you think would happen if you use these tips the next time your wife is crying?

Women - What have I left out? What do you like your spouse to do when you cry?

Brian J. Lindner is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor specializing in couples counseling at his private practice. His blog, “Make Some Wonderful” provides solid guidance for a wonderful marriage. He lives in Idaho with his wife, Hollie, and their two young boys. Follow him on Twitter @BrianJLindner. ​

I want every couple to experience deep connection. When husbands hone their skills of emotional availability they'll be the hero and enjoy a wonderful marriage.

Reply

Glaiza

6/9/2016 11:37:21 pm

This is what my boyfriend does when I cry. I'm really so happy I have him. :) we're not engaged or married yet but we love reading articles here and with that, we are learning things in advanced, preparing us for our married life. :)

That is wonderful! He seems sensitive and caring, and those are important qualities to have in a spouse. Continue to learn and grow, even when you are married! We have confidence in your ability to nurture your relationship and to find happiness and fulfillment for years to come.

Best to you!

Aaron & April

Reply

Melissa

6/12/2016 08:06:57 am

Wow! This is a beautifully stated, easy to understand article that has the capacity to dramatically change the dynamics of marriages. But can also be applied to any relationship that strives for emotional intimacy. We can never go wrong when we can be present with the ones we love as described in this article. But reality is that sometimes this type of presence is extremely difficult and requires some soul searching on our part.

Thanks for your kind words, Brian did a great job with this article! Yes, you are right, developing emotional intimacy is a journey that takes time and practice, and sometimes it isn't easy. However, we're confidant that these skills can be learned and developed in order to help couples nurture their marriages!

Thanks for your comment!

Aaron & April

Reply

Tiffany

7/19/2016 09:54:25 am

I wish my husband would read this. When I get emotional about something, or cry, he almost always responds in anger. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to express my feelings to him, which in turn, creates a bit of a wall between us. I find myself crying alone in the bathroom so that I can avoid him knowing I'm upset. I once told him that I need him to try and comfort me in those moments and he said he wasn't going to "baby me" if I was upset. So I'm not really sure the best approach with helping him to help me.

1. Try and connect with your husband and meet his needs emotionally and physically so he feels close to you. Keep up the little things, date nights, and the like, to make sure you are continually nurturing your marriage.

2. Talk with him about how much you need his comfort and support, and how you need him to care about how you are FEELING. Explain HOW he can comfort you best during those times, and give him three very specific things he can do. Ask him how you can best support him.

3. Be patient. Your husband may have never learned growing up how to handle his own emotions, or to help others work through their own. He may be responding in anger because he is afraid when he sees you crying and he doesn't know what to do. He may not be perfect at learning to comfort you at first, but be patient, with time he can get better.

4. Continually work on finding ways to become more emotionally self-reliant. Find things that help you handle your own emotions and that bring you comfort - perhaps going for a run, taking a bath, calling a friend, etc.

6. Share our website with your husband and tell him you enjoy it. He may enjoy skimming through some articles himself.

7. If there are underlying issues or other things going on in your marriage, these suggestions may not work or may not fix things. Feel free to email us, or to seek help from a professional counselor if needed.

We desire for you to have the connection with your husband that you long for. We're confident things can get better, and that as you work on meeting your spouse's needs he will hopefully turn towards you and find ways to lift you.

Man, very interesting article. For sure being emphatic and a good listener help a lot. But sometimes we are piled under our own believe of hard work, work, work year around and we forget to break our (depressing) routines with small things like dining out, going to the movies, have a coffee at a local bookstore, etc. I know each situation is different but we have to try to change our routines. Funny, I was looking for inspiring wedding photos now I am writing comments on this great blog. ;) Keep on writing!