Daughter (5) being ostracized/bullied

09/18/2012 at 06:19 PM.

I would greatly appreciate some advice from other parents regarding my problem:

In July last year my daughter started at a new preschool, she befriended a little girl that she became smitten with. I became very confused when my daughter came home one day saying that she is not allowed to play with that little girl, I thought maybe because they were in different classes the teachers were trying to keep them in their separate groups. I couldn't understand why this girl's mother was always so rude to me whenever we crossed paths (she would look in the other direction and ignore me completely, even if I greeted her). When my daughter went back to school this year the same thing happened; eventually when I had a meeting with the new teacher did I found out that last year, I'm not sure exactly how it happened, when the two of them went to the toilet my daughter showed her friend her private and the mom of this child told the school that she didn't want my daughter anywhere near hers. No one told me at the time and I feel so embarrassed for how I went on in complete oblivion.

I tried to take my daughter out the school but they convinced me that it would have a bad effect on her school work to change her so I didn't take her out but I've noticed how she is being ostracized because she can't play with her friends on the playground if they are anywhere near this other girl. I think it is so unfair that she is being punished for almost a year for doing something that most children do when they are 4 years old.

It also seems that this little girl is bullying her by being straight out nasty & spiteful; like, if my daughter plays with another girl this girl will deliberately snatch up my daughter's new friend and shame my daughter in front of the other girls by reminding her that she is not allowed to play by/with her. So, my daughter has to go off and find someone else to play with.

My daughter comes home feeling so rejected and my heart breaks for her. I've told her not to go anywhere near this other girl but I think she keeps hoping that things will change and one day she'll be allowed to play with her old friend.

There's only 2 & half months left of the school year and next year she'll go to a new school but after a whole year of this anguish I don't know how we're going to cope. I would take her out the school but she says that she wants to stay so I would appreciate any advice on how to get through these next 2 months.

i would request a meeting at the school with the teachers and the other childs mother present people need to be aware that a child being bullied is no laughing matter. my friends ten year old daughter commited suicide last november after years of being teased at school and when she toled on the other students she was toled to stop tattling.i would demand that they help you come to a solution about the girls not getting along the other chid needs to be taught now that what she is doing is not exceptable.

Hi Mandy,
Thank you very much for your advice. Another problem I have is that the child's mother is friends with the principal and the teacher. I think/feel that they would gang up if I tried to approach them. What do you think?

I think that the other girl's behaviour is coming from her mother, meaning her mother is telling her daughter to bully yours so that she makes sure that what happened never happens again. I'm not saying she's right, but she might have freaked out about the incident, maybe fearing that her daughter's innocence will be affected. I realise that what happened is not really a big deal, it's normal for that age and even older. I would still contact the principal and speak to her alone first. If she doesn't feel the need to be loyal to the other mother at the first meeting, it's better. She will be able to hear you fully, and not be concerned about her friend. Your daughter needs to know that she can never play with the other girl, and believe me its safer if they don't. Imagine the kids get together again, and the other girl tells your daughter 'give me your dolly or i'll tell mummy you showed me your hu ha again'. Kids will do that..

Continued from above: Just speak to the principal, admit that even though your daughter's behaviour may not have been acceptable, she knows now that it was wrong, and that it is not fair that she is still suffering for it. I think she should be allowed to play in a group with the other girl, just not alone...for your sake more than hers. It is shameful, on the part of the school, that they didn't tell you about what happened and acted on it behind your back. Really shameful!

Wow! I teach kinder and this makes me sad. The teacher must be made aware of this. They are the only one who can stop the behavior during the day. They should contact the other mother and let her know what her child is doing. That mom should remember to be careful what she says to and around her daughter. Kids naturally take power roles if they feel they can especially if they think its what mom wants. Two wrongs don't make a right. If the other little girl is being mean and exclusive that is just as wrong. This other little girl wouldn't want to be shunned if she'd made the mistake. I'm sure her mother wouldn't want that either. This is a teachable social skills moment. As for going to the principal I'd address the teacher first. A good principal will ask you first if you've talked to the teacher. They aren't in the classroom and usually will go to the teacher for reference. It will help if you say you have already tried communicating with the teacher.

i wouldnt worry about the friend situation, because as the teacher and a principle its thier job to make sure that all children are safe and in a bully free environment. if they refuse to take action thats when you go to the superintendent or call a meeting with the superintendent and other school staff present.mandy

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