i'm not hustling. // in which i improvise a little

9:39 AM

I had another post scheduled for today...but it sucked. I forced it. I wasn't feelin' it. And I woke up this morning with another thought in my head, so we're going with that instead. (Which is why this is a bit late and rambly. Fight me.)

Look.

I'm not really killing it right now.

It's easy for me to try to be poetical and post that, or post about all the projects I'm getting to so people can compliment me and flail over how productive I am compared to everyone else. lol if you only knew. It's easy for me to go all high and mighty about the power of creativity, or just getting things done, or something else that makes me sound smart. I like to be a blunt, just-do-it person. I like to throw my opinions at the blog and see what sticks.

I like to talk a lot about honesty and vulnerability and being raw and real. I'm not usually...actually real.

I'm not hustling right now. I'm not getting things done right now.

To be perfectly real with you, right now kind of sucks.

I'm doing okay, I suppose. I'm not freaking out every night. I don't feel like I'm drowning, like someone's pushing my head underneath cold greasy water again. I don't always feel like I've been stabbed in the chest. I can get up, and eat something most of the time, and get things done and function like I should. I can talk to God and feel comforted and convicted by the experience. (Though I don't talk to him as much as I should.) I can do those things just fine. It just doesn't feel solid right now. It doesn't feel worth it.

Right now I feel like I'm wandering in a cloud, guys. Like a fog crept into my head and wading through it slows down every step. And I can't see where I'm going, not clearly. And I can't see if it's worth it or not. And I'm so, so, so, so tired.

current mood: jessica jones

I'm tired. Every part of me. I'm dull.

I haven't really done much editing for...two weeks now. Pariah is calling me, but I haven't tried very hard, as much as I love it. I plodded my way through another podcast episode and I like what I wrote but the enthusiasm and drive of the first one just isn't there. I'm going to start up Havard again this upcoming week. I have a lot of projects planned. I still like them, I still plan on doing them, but I'm trudging through syrup again. I'm having a hard time feeling the spark and joy and true love of creating. The words aren't magic anymore. All that extrovert energy in me is gone, bottled up somewhere, and I don't know how to get it back. Everything is too loud, too overwhelming, like it's being funneled into my brain or dumped in all too much at once, and I don't know how to sort it out until it makes more sense and isn't just a jumble.

Even this is a struggle. I don't want to write it, for more reasons than one. (I want to sleep for, like, ten years.)

I am not motivated. I am not hustling, getting things done. I am not upbeat. I am not feeling creative. I'm moving forward, but I'm stuck in limbo at the same time.

I'm having what you could call a backslide. A fight. A tough time.

I don't know when I'm going to get through it.

It's a weird thing, my mental health. It's this nebulous floaty thing that's always shifting -- it hasn't controlled me lately. But it's been so much more oppressive and present. Even when I can work through things...I can't make them go away completely. I can't get rid of this right now. I can exercise, eat, drink water, take showers, take care of myself. That's going to help me keep progressing. But it's not going to make things automatically go away this time.

Right now it's just a matter of riding out the storm, I think. Keeping my thoughts ahead and my head afloat until the clouds go away and things start to clear up again.

I cannot for the life of me find a source for this but I love it muchly. so. it's not mine.

Sometimes, you can't make everything work itself through right away. Sometimes things just suck. Plain and simple. Sometimes there's a war in your head, and you can't force an ending.

But we keep going forward anyways.

One step at a time. One teeny, tiny, stumbling, halfhearted step. Even if it's in the dark, and the mud, and the pouring rain, even when we stop to rest, even when we tumble back down the hill and we'd rather stay in a broken heap at the bottom. (I've been there. A lot. Recently.) We. Keep. Going.

We take a deep breath through shattered lungs, and we get up, and we walk again. And we keep walking. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I'm headed. But I know that moving, even if I'm crawling, pulling myself forward by tooth and nail, it's better than staying still and being buried alive. I'm not racing right now. I'm treading water, and it's exhausting. I feel like lead and I would rather sink.

I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I am not hustling. My fire is gone. I'm not churning out the #art and slaying it. I'm in a period of cloudy suckiness that's making that difficult. But I will keep going.

Little. Tiny. Steps. Forward.

That's okay.

We're not always going to be moving fast, I don't think. And we cannot always expect ourselves to be okay.

I've had a bad time the past couple weeks as well, so just know that you aren't alone. Some messed up stuff has happened. My friend's heart transplant has been fraught with complications, a girl I knew in middle school died from anorexia-related issues. My brain and body's way of dealing with this is by assaulting me with near-constant (usually aimless) anxiety, and my neglected obligations are piling up. I've had time to deal with stuff, but instead I sit around avoiding everything from my emotions to my homework. It's easy to be paralyzed by your own head, but like you said you just have to keep fighting. Take it a moment at a time, and don't give up. Thanks so much for this wonderful post, by the way. I really admire your honesty and courage. I'll keep you in my prayers. *virtual hug*Bright Eyes looks super cool, by the way. Good luck with all your creative endeavors!

Ahhh I'm really really sorry, Erika. That's a lot to deal with, and I'm sending all the hugs and prayer and support and such <3 Thanks so much for sharing (that sounds weird but eh) and for taking the time to comment, yeah? You've got this. We've got this. God's got this.

I relate to what you've written, very much. I have bipolar disorder and PTSD, and that makes life a fun barrel of monkeys when it comes to figuring out feelings. Bloodthirsty, scat-lobbing, angry monkeys. There are a lot of times when I don't do what I want to do, as if my mind and my body are trying to stage a coup against my soul.

It sucks. It feels like I'm being eaten alive by the aforementioned monkeys, and at times, it is physically painful. Add that to the fact I know what emotions are, and on the good days I can lock them in their cages. I know that feelings aren't indicative of reality, so why the smudge is it so freaking hard to put feelings where they belong and continue doing the good work I was doing?

Sometimes I still get caught up in the trap of, "When I, then I." I'm almost thirty-two (in April), and I still think, at times, that when I get to a certain place, then I'll be happy, be successful, be the man God needs me to be. Then the monkeys get a hold of me and it feels like I'll never make it.

Even so, I have a stubborn streak, and from what I've read of your blog and seen on Twitter, Aimee, I get the feeling you have that stubborn streak as well. I have this shtick I call "Waddle On," and it comes down to love. Love consistently and persistently, with enthusiasm. From what I've learned of love, Aimee, you have it in spades.

Love is a choice. Love is what keeps you going when life strongly suggests you give up. You do what you can, with what you have, with where you are. You get knocked down, but you always get back up. And here's where I'm going to fight you, Aimee.

You said the enthusiasm you had hasn't been there. Sure, the emotions of the enthusiasm may be absent, but in your willingness to never back down completely from the fight, you have refined enthusiasm to its pure state. That relentless pursuit despite the emotions is pure love with enthusiasm.

Emotions are a bunch of fickle monkeys, flinging crap and drawing blood. But you don't give up, which means you're winning, despite how it feels.

Thanks so much for sharing, Rob. Which sounds weird to say -- "thanks for telling me about all the sucky things!" -- but vulnerability is important, and being real with people is important, and sharing our pain and love and truth is important. This means a lot to me, and I've definitely been remembering it ever since I saw your comment when you posted it. (Shhh we'll pretend like I don't take forever to respond to comments.) You'll be in my prayers, and, of course, God will carry us through this.

I'm kind of stuck in one of these ruts right now, too, so I understand. Nothing is horribly wrong, it's just not..right, either. Y'know? You put it into words so much better than I do. But it's kind of like everything is piling up faster than I can process it, and when I think too long about everything, it's like my ribs are closing in and that feeling of pure panic hits. But you're right. Sometimes you just have to keep taking those baby steps and keep going. Baby steps are better than nothing, right?

OBviously I know the feeling, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it too. It's such a strange place to be in -- okay-but-not-okay-at-all -- and it feels like it's not going to end...but we can trust that it will. I believe in us <3

This was a good post. Too often when someone when blogs about going through a slump (emotional/physical/pyschological), it ends on an overly optimistic note, as though sunshine and rainbows lie just over the next hill!

Yet, while things can and do get better, after becoming worse, just as I believe you will eventually feel better--it usually isn't that easy, or effortless, and it doesn't happen that quickly.

I haven't written anything for my book in a long time, it's not that I've given up, I'm still researching, I'm still having new ideas...but I haven't written anything, despite wanting to every day.

You WILL get through this, not just because we're all rooting for you, but because you have many important things to say, in your blog posts and in your stories, things you must say aloud so the world can hear them.

Thanks so much! That means a lot. I've always been a horribly practical realist but at the same time it's...hard for me to be real? So I'm trying to get better at being vulnerable, and I guess this is a start.

I'd say you're very good at knowing where to draw the line between being real and being overly personal. You know how to be real, yet not ambush us with your life. It's a hard balence that I'm still investigating myself, so cootos to you for having already figured it out.