Wednesday, May 22, 2013

“We’ve Only Just Begun!” The IP Graduation Speech From Hell

‘Tis
the time of year when chestnuts are roasting – not the kind of chestnuts that Bing
Crosby sings about in December, but the old kind that gets tossed around graduation
speeches like hacky sacks at a Further concert. Yes, these are the worn-out,
unimaginative clichés that riddle university campuses, positioned right after
the non-denominational prayer, right before the singing of the alma mater,
right around the time the frat boys start to get woozy from the wake & bake
and the sorority girls realize their shoe selection was unfortunate for a four
hour event where most of it is spent standing.

The world is
ahead of you.

Look forward,
but also look back.

It is not the
end, it is the beginning.

Life is a journey.

So
true. So, so true. ALSO, so freakin’ stale they make my eyes roll reflexively.
Thus, this IP posting will take these hackneyed phrases and put them to good
use: to address the conundrum of how to “run” for office when you are not actually
“running” for anything. Because you must walk before you run. And you will fly
and soar as far as your wings will take you.

Good.
Lord.

OK! Cliché Numero
Uno: The world is ahead of you.

This
one is dedicated to my girl, HRC, whose world now consists of her “transition office,”
the nation of Libya, and the ten foot circumference around Sen. Rand Paul’s
tuchas. The multi-perspective view of Hillary’s world begins at the same place
but ends very differently: She is aiming for the White House using her
experience as evidence of greatness, and Sen. Paul is aiming for the White
House using her experience as evidence of skullduggery. The fun, of course, is
in the spin. She says she done good as Sec State, he says she should be in
prison. Potato, potahto. The interesting story to drop recently was that some
of the big-wigs from Clinton’s 2008 campaign have begged off another chance at
the gold ring, but as anyone who has visited my hometown knows: The place is
lousy with big-wigs. And, apparently, locusts. But let’s not get distracted.

Cliché Numero
Dos: Look forward, but also look back.

This
goes out to IP fave Sen. Marco Rubio who has taken advantage of the IRS
kerfuffle to propose an amendment to the upcoming 2013 Farm Bill (?) that
punishes IRS officials who violate the constitutional rights of Americans.
Sayeth the good Senator: “This IRS scandal has destroyed the American people’s
confidence in this government institution and exposed the dangers of a large,
unaccountable government operating under a President and administration that
routinely intimidate and harass their political opponents.” Holy cats –
knocking the administration AND the IRS in one fell swoop? Nice IP play, sir!
Well done. Also, and I’m just whiffing here, it seems that throwing stones at
the IRS today is sort of like proposing a Fight Club brawl with Olivia, your 6
year old niece. Who is blindfolded. Sorta easy, ain’t it?

Cliché Numero
Tres: It is not the end, it is the
beginning.

And
hellllooooo NYC Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner! (You didn’t think I was gonna
let this one go, didja?) I only have three things to say here: One, welcome to
the race of a lifetime. Hot dog, this is gonna be FUN, even from the cheap
seats. Do you think the New York Post
just hired four new cover editors? Two, Congressman, I was wrong about Mark
Sanford. But you are no Mark Sanford. Three, are you ready for more (much more)
of this? I am proud that this video nugget was created by “a
former student working in political consulting or advertising or whatever.” His
words not mine, because I got clearance to give him a blind-item shout out. But
anyway, Anthony, strap yourself in for more of this. Much, much more.
And don’t say I didn’t tell you to wait.

Finally, Cliché Numero
Quatro: Life is a journey.

In
this case, a journey to Israel. Mazel Tov to Democratic Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley
who recently schlepped to the Middle East in order to talk shop with the chosen
people, sharpen his Foreign Policy skills, and prove he’s got what it takes to
run for the White House. We haven’t spoken about O’Malley in this blog YET but
apparently this is an oversight. He went to Iowa (another designated IP destination)
and he’s openly talking about 2016. A bold move from a bold man… that no one
outside of Maryland has ever heard of. The good news: There’s still time!

And
so graduates, faculty, proud parents, and blog readers: Keep reaching for the
stars. You are the future, your education is just beginning, believe in your dreams
and always remember: You did it. What you did is between you and your
conscience, but I’m a liberal so I say go for it.