Mike Kelton Guest Post: Underappreciated – Toenail Clippers

Our Underappreciated column has started off with a bang, so it comes as no surprise that the amazing talent featured on Serial Optimist wants in on the action! Mike Kelton is one hilarious comedian who we recently had the privilege of speaking to and he told us all about what he thinks is Underappreciated. So read up and laugh on.

Lets chat about toenail clippers for a second, shall we? Have you ever been in a happy relationship for a couple months and thought, “Wow, this is JUST GREAT!” Dates are great, movie night is great, sex is GREAT and life is just great. Short on your rent? WHO CARES, I am obsessed with my boyfriend and they will love me forever. So take THAT landlord! Yeah, that kind of great! You think that life could not get much better than this because you have found that one person that just means the world to you and respects your infatuation with peanut butter without judgment or jelly. Such a great face with a great heart and a great idea of how to wear a circle scarf. He could be the one. But then, one super cold day in February, you head to bed with your future husband and you glance at his toes as his sock slips off on the way to the bedroom. You black out.

You come to. You black out again because your whole world has been turned upside down. As his feet slowly stomp across the wooden planks of your 5 floor walkup apartment in Hells Kitchen, you see the longest and almost curliest (is that a word?) toenails you have seen since 7th grade when you stole the “Guinness Book of World Records 1995” from your homeroom teacher’s library at Fox Lane Middle School. Your brain freezes at the sight of long, yellow and curly toenails. Each one is worse than the other. And the pinky is just a creature that has climbed up from a swamp and he is ready to scratch your cheeks leaving you with METH FACE! A couple things flash in your brain. WHAT/WHERE/WHO/SNAKES/NAILS/FILTH/HOOVERVILLE/PUKE/DEATH…

And it is at that moment that you stand in the living room frozen and unable to perform any act of sexual pleasure for fear that you will be grazed by those nails. You dilly dally in the kitchen avoiding any and all communication and end up spending the night cleaning the kitchen as it has never been cleaned before because you just need to stay away from those nails. Weeks go by and you still can’t look your once future husband in the face because of the sight of those nails… Those witch nails. You become distant and cold. Eventually spring comes and you just have to break up because you don’t even like his Instagram pictures anymore. All you see are toenails and who can ‘like’ that. He still loves you but you can’t stop wanting to kill yourself at the thought of those nails. Those WITCH toenails.

It is because of this that I think toenail clippers are the most underappreciated item known to mankind. Lets celebrate toenail clippers and carry them on us at all times. CUT YOUR TOENAILS AMERICA. CUT THEM!

That’s all for now.

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SO Note: Mike Kelton is a weekly contributor to US Weekly’s Fashion Police. He is also the creator of the uber popular Warlock Blog. Follow him for all kinds of laughs @mikekelton.