Author: greyscarf

I know that moving is always a weird adjustment. I’ve just really noticed that this time has been full for good reflection & new ways to enjoy my relationship with my husband. When we were in the thick of moving, I found myself becoming more & more aware of how we would encourage each other & keep each other going as one of us would lose steam. At the beginning of our new tenancy, I would also push myself to keep getting things done & put on the adult face. My sweet husband would bring me cookies or a pack of beer or even the new Florence and the Machine CD. And now, as he struggles with trying to organize his new kitchen & finding his perfect Virgo routine, at the very least I can clean the shelf covers & make sure he has reusable bags to take to the market & get the cat’s food organized–all small touches to smooth out the lingering disorganization.

This has also been a time of thinking about the stories I have in my head about myself & questioning them. That’s actually a simplified statement: it’s more like having these tides of raw emotion, sounding out the depths, reconstructing memories, recognizing the persistent thoughts at their root, & then taking them apart. Which is an even more simplified way of saying: letting myself cry, being blunter than usual about what I’ll put up with from others, lying awake arguing with myself, getting a good hard drink on & watching stupid videos, finally just reminding myself I will figure this out & I’m not alone. It’s not easy, but I feel ok, I’m content with both the old & the new intermingling in my life.

I don’t know really how to end this post. I just wanted to put something up. I could end by mentioning that I just finished a copy of Fun Home that I had found at the Goodwill. It had previously been owned by a Beatrice Rehm who was either learning German or was trying to translate part of the book into German. It was kind of cool to see the book through someone else’s eyes. Probably not unlike a blog post…

Hello readers, whoever may stumble across this post. I’m writing today, because I’ve been quiet lately & I’m dealing with a lot of life right now, but part of me thinks I should just sit down & type out some words. Don’t know really what you’re gonna get with this post, except maybe a little slice-of-life.

I’m determined to get a blog post up today, so I thought I’d talk a little about writing. With the arrival of summer comes an increase in meetings for my writing group. There always seems to be so much to discuss & try to undertake; an hour and a half seems like hardly enough time to get everything done. More & more, I wonder if I should try to do this full-time, whether that means trying to do a class through Parks & Rec or attempting to open a writer’s space of my own. The ideas are wonderful to consider but I’m nervous about moving forward with it. Partially because it would mean actually demanding that I get paid to do this & I still get shaky thinking about having to value myself & my work. Even crocheting scarves for people & asking them for X amount in payment is weird & brings back all sorts of boundary issues that make me squirm. But, now is as good a time as any, I suppose. I’m not going to get less shy about it until I test the waters.

I’ve also started reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. It was incredibly popular when I was working at Borders in the long ago & the far away & I’m just now getting into it. I really appreciate the morning pages exercise. Even if I never get past the 2nd chapter of the book, it’s given me the flexibility to sit with my thoughts for 40 minutes & just get everything out of my head. As someone who usually wakes up anxious, the three-page internal monologue purging helps me focus & makes me feel ready to deal with whatever for the rest of the day. I’ve logically known that just sitting & writing can help improve my mood, but these focused pages have helped me trust that this is something that helps me for the better. I haven’t totally gotten the schedule down, but I try to do what I can.

Anyway, I’m packing today & my study is slowing filling up with boxes. For now, I can still get to a few notebooks, but all of my writing books have been boxed up & I have to make do with what I have. But, that’s the best impetus, right? Necessity, the mother of invention? I hope so. . .

Ugh, you guys…this really is one of my lesser posts. I had blogging on my to-do list today & I’m feeling a little bounce in my step due to getting some of items checked off, so here we are. The husband & I have been packing & slowly filling out rooms with boxes & boxes, both packed & unpacked. Which tends to get you in the mindset of getting stuff done & is ultimately a good thing. The extreme of that though is pure laziness that sets in once you consider the overwhelming amount of stuff to be done and/or emotional states.

But, I’m going to try to be positive & say that while my physical life is in disarray, I’ve gotten some cleaning done in my digital life. I finally finally got my writing group resources all cleaned up & organized, ready for my writers if they need them. It helps clear the way for any future compilations I want to put together & serves as a nice foundation to work from if I ever make up my mind about helping writers as a full-time job. On top of that, I also got my email inboxes under control & set up with rules & filters. I know, I know, that all probably sounds deeply boring, but as someone who is frequently anxious, the small victories of control & preparedness makes the inner crisis planner quiet down.

I’m going to have to pack my craft supplies soon. The things that I do with my hands to calm me down…it’s hard to picture. We’ve just about packed up all the books, & I’ve had to remind myself that I can still check out stuff & I’ve got my tablet so I won’t run out of things to read. But not being able to have something at hand to work on & focus…I’ll have to use writing more as my quieting habit.

Ok, well, not really sure how to end this but it feels like the end. Fingers crossed that I can keep the balance of action & relaxing in the next few weeks.

Frequently while I was growing up, I was told that gifts or things that were given to me were meant to last & ‘wouldn’t it be nice if you were able to give this to your children one day?’ Going through my bookmark box, I found a few of those bookmarks that qualified. Ones that I jokingly think of to save for company, like the good china.