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Topic: Bad Relatives: Evil MIL (Read 36488 times)

My maternal grandmother died on my anniversary, though I didn't find out until the next day. My mother always seemed to be kind of put out in the following years that I didn't mourn my grandmother every year on my anniversary. And by mourn I mean "Finding no enjoyment at all in that date forever more."

I loved my grandmother but it seemed very unfair to my dh to go forth as though that date was forever poisoned in my mind because that's the day she passed. We'd been married for 6 years at that point, now it's been 13 and I've not let Gigi's death forever cast a cloud over the day. I miss her, but I actually find myself missing her more in the summer than on the day she died because I greatly miss eating her deviled crabs and chatting with her while crabbing off their pier.

My MIL collapsed and died Christmas Eve without warning. DH and I spent that Christmas Eve and Day sorting out trans-Altantic flights for him to met up with his family while my SIl and I were trying to celebrate Christmas with small children. I suspect that had we been more religous, it would have been harder on the children .

Now our children are older, they understand that DH is upset on Christmas Eve and we have the tradional " To Absent Friends" toast for MIL as well as my father who died a few months later from cancer.

I've always thought the best way to honor those who have passed is to remember the happy times and live life, not actively "mourn." To me, dark mourning, especially years later, is destructive. My friends and family all know that when I pass I want my life to be celebrated as opposed to my death mourned.

My maternal grandmother died on my anniversary, though I didn't find out until the next day. My mother always seemed to be kind of put out in the following years that I didn't mourn my grandmother every year on my anniversary. And by mourn I mean "Finding no enjoyment at all in that date forever more."

I loved my grandmother but it seemed very unfair to my dh to go forth as though that date was forever poisoned in my mind because that's the day she passed. We'd been married for 6 years at that point, now it's been 13 and I've not let Gigi's death forever cast a cloud over the day. I miss her, but I actually find myself missing her more in the summer than on the day she died because I greatly miss eating her deviled crabs and chatting with her while crabbing off their pier.

My mother-in-law passed away on my son's birthday. I'm sure your mother would be offended, but we still celebrate my son's birthday, even as we remember my mother-in-law. He was her youngest grandson (there are granddaughters after him), and he is a huge fan of the same baseball team that she LOVED. She may not have been the best MIL, but she was a great grandmother, and she'd have wanted his birthday celebrated.

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"The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones" - Solomon ibn Gabirol

I agree. My MIL shares (or shared, really) a birthday with her father and when he passed, she really didn't want to celebrate her birthday but then I think she never really did get that excited about her birthday as it was so for her it was just one more reason to not get all that pumped about it.

I know my grandparents wouldn't want anyone being unhappy years later and mourning them.

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

A few years ago, my grandfather died the day before my birthday. On the same day my friend's son was born. This had no impact on my friend or my family since none of them know each other, but I will always link the two of them together in my mind... in a good way. When I got the call at work that Grandpa died, followed soon after by the email that my friend's son was born, it was so good to hear of a new life beginning on the day my Grandpa's life ended.

One of my adopted cousins was born on 9/11/01. Course he wasn't brought home until Jan of '02, I believe, but when I heard what day he was born on, my first thought was "Well good, something good to come out of that awful day."

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

I agree. My MIL shares (or shared, really) a birthday with her father and when he passed, she really didn't want to celebrate her birthday but then I think she never really did get that excited about her birthday as it was so for her it was just one more reason to not get all that pumped about it.

I know my grandparents wouldn't want anyone being unhappy years later and mourning them.

I never met my paternal grandparents, but my maternal grandparents would not want their passing excessively mourned each anniversary. Grandma, I think, would be embarassed. Grandpa would prefer we remember him with a really good dinner (and drinks) at a truly awesome restaurant. Seriously.

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What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

Refusing to enjoy yourself because of an arbitrary date is kind of silly. What's so special about a year? What about a month? Or 100 days? And besides, isn't it... I don't know, normal, to miss someone a little bit a lot of the time, instead of forgetting about them entirely until one day a year? I like Piratelvr1121: "something good got to come out of that awful day." Being angry at someone for not grieving the same way you do is weird (especially because said way of grieving is so strange and is probably unnatural for most people).

Back to the original story in this thread... it's possible it was made up or doctored, but I find that it could well be true also. The trouble with highly toxic people is that unless someone else has experienced something very similar, it tends to come off as unbelievable, made-up, exaggerated, or full of holes. I can't really talk to a lot of my friends about the issues I've had with my family for the same reason: they're great people (the friends, not the family), but their life experience simply won't let them take in the kinds of things that have happened. By default they'll assume things like, say, that both parties were partially right and partially wrong, and that both have exaggerated, and the best thing would be to kiss and make up. As opposed to, you know, all the recordings and concrete evidence that sadly says otherwise. It's just hard to express these things to people who haven't been as unfortunate. Nothing wrong with these people, it's just unusual for people to instantly and fully empathise with something so far outside of their personal experiences.

MIL is obviously to be avoided at all costs. Husband needs to be spoken to so that he realises that this treatment isn't acceptable and that he shouldn't sit by and do nothing while MIL refuses to let his child eat all day. Forget the MIL, she's quickly written off as evil. The husband here is potentially more damaging because he accepts this kind of thing. Work on him. Enablers are dangerous as hell, especially if you're living with one.