Equality gets a facelift on the frontlines of dating

"The assumption cannot be that the man always pays because he's the man."
Suze Orman,Author

Deciding how to handle the bill can be stressful for two people just getting to know each other, but how both sexes treat the money issue can be a bellwether of things to come. While more women are offering to pay, many still expect men to play the traditional role of provider -- making it difficult for their dates to know what to do, experts say.

Suze Orman, author of "The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom," is convinced women need to update their dating etiquette.

"The assumption cannot be that the man always pays because he's the man," she said.

Yet the force of convention remains strong even in the 21st century, said Jeffrey Ullman, chief executive of Greater Relations, a video dating service in Los Angeles. "Regardless of whether the man or woman initiates the date, it's still the man who reaches for the billfold first."

Ullman says most men expect to pay for all of at least the first date while 50 to 60 percent of women typically offer to chip in. Whether such offers should become standard protocol is equal parts cultural baggage and personal preference.

Unisex considerations

Orman denounces gender as the determining factor of whose credit card gets a workout in the name of romance.

"Smart women have learned to offer for many reasons."
Jeffrey Ullman,Greater Relations

"How much you make, what you're doing with your money -- Are you in debt? Are you not in debt? -- should determine if you go Dutch, if one of you picks up the check or if you don't go out to eat at all."

Much depends on who does the asking -- and whether they make their financial expectations clear, said Jean Stafford, president of Executive Coaching for Women in Great Falls, Va.

"I wouldn't invite someone to my home for dinner and expect them to ante up for half of what I put on the table, unless I ask them perhaps to bring something in advance."

Men still do most of the asking, but women who encourage date invitations because they're too timid to pop the question would be wise to share the cost.

To offer or not to offer

While the first date could be one person's treat, what happens on the second and third dates sets the tone for the relationship -- and the power struggles money can bring. For that reason, it's important for women to offer to pay, Ullman said.

"Smart women have learned to offer for many reasons. The classic reason is the assumption that 'You pay for my meal and I give you sex.' It was expected that if I pay for you, there's something coming back."

Orman agreed the price of passivity is a sense of control. "In letting someone else pay time in and time out, there is no way that you feel great about that. You are rendering yourself powerless on a very subtle level."

The shift may not be obvious at first, but it will be, she said. "There is built-up resentment happening whether you know it or not. There is a built-up power dynamic that is being established whether you know it or not."

Testing, testing

As a divorced charity fundraiser, Bill White, 46, is back on the singles scene and says he doesn't expect the women he dates to go even Steven -- but that when they do, it's a plus.

"When someone offers to pay, it's an indication they're considerate, a giver, a sharer, which probably is one of the most important things in a relationship," he said.

White is what Ullman would call sophisticated in courtship -- someone who controls the economic impact by choosing the restaurant as opposed to letting his dates decide and hoping they choose a moderately-priced venue.

Yet some savvy men roll the dice and let women pick the place as a way to weed out those who would take advantage, Ullman said.

A less progressive argument says that men who won't pony up for an evening's entertainment in exchange for a date appear cheap -- and few men want to be saddled with the risk of making such a fatal first impression.

"We are not at a point that women will ask if they can make a contribution to the date because presumably our company is what is being asked for," Stafford said.

Clearing up the confusion requires talking about money in the first place, something both women agree is still taboo among paramours.

"They want the money thing to work out without having to talk about it," Stafford said. "It doesn't work that way."

The sooner two people start talking about money, the better their chance of stemming trouble further down the line, Orman said.

"If you can't talk about it while you are dating, you are not going to be able to practice safe money while you are married. You have got to practice financial intimacy the second you meet one another and you know that it's getting serious."

For most men, a sincere offer to pay is the gesture that counts, whether or not they accept it, Ullman said. "Most guys like it and love it, as a matter of fact, and even expect for the woman to offer and for the man to very gently say 'I got it.'"

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