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Category: bathroom humour

J. Edgar Hoover: Put your hands on the table where I can see them and don’t move.

Narrator: Hoover puts his cigar out in Dwight’s Styrofoam coffee cup

Dwight: What did you do that for? There’s an ashtray on the table.

Hoover: Are you questioning the FBI, son?

Dwight: Of course not, but what are you doing here?

Hoover: I just found a stolen government vehicle in one of your parking stalls out front.

Rick: What stolen vehicle?

Hoover: The dog catchers’ truck.

Dwight: Oh right, the two dogcatchers have gone looking for the keys. A rancher has the keys to the truck but the Air Force
kidnapped him.

Narrator: Hoover starts looking at the keys hanging on the key ring.

Hoover: Well, isn’t this interesting? This set of keys has Property of the City of Roswell written on it. I wonder if they might start the dog catchers’ truck?

Narrator: Hoover sends his assistant, Richard, out to try starting the truck with the dog catcher’s keys.

Private Enns: The keys started the truck up no problem, sir.

Hoover: You boys are in some real hot water now. Theft of a government vehicle will get you twenty years in the state prison alone. But that’s the least of your problems. Now, where have you hidden the two dog catchers and the rancher?

Rick: Mick Russell’s probably out in the desert getting shot by General Kane as we speak.

Hoover: And why would the Air Force want this rancher dead?

Dwight: Because the rancher found a crashed flying saucer and saw some dead aliens in the back of General Kane’s truck.

Hoover: How do you guys know about this? You’re probably Soviet spies.

Rick: No, we’re not!

Hoover: You boys are digging yourself in deeper and deeper every time you open your mouths. Let’s see now. We’ve got you on theft of a government vehicle, kidnapping, lying to an FBI agent, kidnapping, on possible homicide charges and not to forget being spies for the Kremlin.

Dwight: I have an idea sir. If we could find Harvey and Hoss for you, it will prove that we are telling you the truth.

Rick: Great idea Dwight! I think I know where to find them. The last time we saw them they were dressed up like cartoon characters. They were on their way to the compound to find Hoss’s car.

Like this:

Narrator: Dusty manages to convince Lloyd that he owes it to his fans to do tonight’s interview on Rick and Dwight’s Radio Show. Lloyd staggers down the sidewalk to the radio station. Before going in he realizes he needs to take a leak really bad. Lloyd pulls up in front of Dwight’s car and sets his sights upon the back passenger tire. Dwight is looking out the window trying to see if Lloyd will show up in time for his interview. He sees what Dwight is doing and runs over to the space where the door used to be. He yells at Lloyd.

Dwight: Hey Lloyd, what are doing taking a leak on my car’s tire.

Lloyd: Sorry Dwight. I couldn’t hold it long enough to make it to your washroom on time.

Dwight: Have you been drinking at Dusty’s, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Just in the afternoon.

Narrator:
By this time Rick has joined Dwight by the open space where the door used to be. He quickly catches the gist of the situation.

Rick: Lloyd, I’m cancelling your interview for this evening. You’re so drunk that you can barely stand up straight.

Lloyd: I’ll be all right. Just put me in a chair. I have a hell of a story to tell your listeners.

Dwight: Did something unusual happen on the set of The Andy Griffin Show?

Lloyd: No, but I didn’t come here to talk about The Andy Griffin Show.

Rick: Then what are you going to talk about Lloyd? About the time you were so drunk you cut off a piece of a customer’s ear while you were giving him a haircut?

Lloyd: No, but I did that guy a favor. One of his ears was bigger than the other before I made the adjustment for him. I even took out a needle and thread and put stitches in what was left of his ear.

Dwight: Come to think of it, Rick, that is a pretty good story. Maybe Lloyd should tell it on the show tonight. If the mayor is listening he might even give Lloyd a medal for stopping the guy from bleeding to death.

Rick: Don’t be ridiculous Dwight. Lloyd would lose his day job. Who’s going to want to get a haircut from a drunk barber?

Dwight: You’re probably right. Maybe Lloyd should have trained to be a paramedic instead of a barber.

Lloyd: Look, I’ve heard enough from you two guys. I want to start my interview now, before I pass out.

Dwight: Do you think you might puke too, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Yeah, probably, just before I pass out.

Dwight: Thanks for warning us in advance Lloyd. I’ll go get a bucket from the janitor’s supply room.

Lloyd: But I’m not going to tell the story on the air about cutting off a piece of the guy’s ear. I gotta admit, though, it’s pretty funny.

Dwight: We better get started with Lloyd’s interview now Rick. It’s already past seven o’clock.

Narrator: Rick nods to Dwight in agreement and switches on the green light and the microphones.

Rick: Good evening listeners. We apologize for the late start to the evening show, but we had a few technical difficulties we needed to correct. It will be worth the wait, however. As promised, we’re going to do the interview with our very special guest, Lloyd the Barber, one of the stars of the Andy Griffin Show.

Lloyd: Not one of the stars of The Andy Griffin Show, the star of the Andy Griffin Show. The rest of the cast aren’t stars. It’s a stretch to even call them actors.

Dwight: I’m hearing some bitterness in your voice, Lloyd.

Lloyd: No, you’re not hearing bitterness you’re hearing the truth. It’s about time somebody told the truth about that show.

Rick: Aren’t you afraid of losing your job on the show, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Ah, come on, Rick. If they fire me they may as well shut down the whole show. Besides, I still have my day job at the barber shop anyway. It’s not like I’m going to starve to death.

Dwight: How about that guy who lost part of his ear in your barber shop?

Lloyd: Shut up Dwight! First of all, that’s an urban legend and secondly, I thought we all agreed we weren’t going to discuss that incident on the show.

Rick: Okay, chill out Lloyd. Loyal listeners I apologize for Lloyd’s temper tonight. He doesn’t appear to be in a very good mood this evening.

Lloyd: And you wouldn’t be either if you had to work two jobs all the time just to make ends meet.

Rick: Well said, Lloyd. You told us when you first came in the station that you had a great news story for us.

Lloyd: Great? Great story? It’s the most important story of the century!

Dwight: Go for it, Lloyd. We’re all ears and so are our listeners.

Lloyd: Well, let me tell you this. You guys are going to owe me big time after this.
Anyway, do you guys remember that rancher you had in earlier today?

Rick: You mean Mick Russell, our guest on the morning show who the military arrested twice today?

Lloyd: Yeah, that’s him. Well, he was telling the truth. At first, I thought he was some kind of whack job until I had his story confirmed. In fact, Mick only knew part of the story. He was right about the crashed flying saucer, but he didn’t know about the aliens in the space ship.

Dwight: What? Aliens? Creatures from outer space?

Lloyd: That’s right. It’s absolutely true. A space ship, possibly two of them crashed right here in Roswell and Corona. The army found four aliens, three were DOA but one is still alive. They were doing an autopsy in Roswell Hospital on one of the dead aliens two days ago.

Rick: Who told you this and why should we believe you?

Lloyd: Because I drew a sketch of one of the creatures right here on the sleeve of my shirt. I saw a nurse from the hospital draw it on a napkin when I was at Dusty’s Tavern the other night. She didn’t know that I was making my own copy of the drawing because I was hiding behind a palm tree.

Dwight: So now you’re telling us that Dusty has palm trees growing in his bar? Does he have a beach with sand there too?

Lloyd: How can you be so stupid, Dwight? It was the artificial palm tree that Dusty keeps near the front door of the bar.

Rick: Let’ see. I’m looking at the picture on Dwight’s sleeve now. The creature has an enormous head with large oval eyes. It’s probably only about three or four feet tall by the looks of it. It’s skin color appears to be a blend of gray and green.

Lloyd: No, that’s a mistake on my drawing. While I was shading in the gray with a pencil I had to sneeze. I didn’t have any Kleenex so I had to wipe my nose on my sleeve.

Rick: So does that mean its skin color is all gray?

Lloyd: Yes, that’s how Nurse Jane described it.

Dwight: What else did the nurse say Lloyd?

Lloyd: She said there were two men with cameras in the room and that they were taking pictures during the autopsy.

Rick: Keep going Lloyd. Did she say anything else?

Lloyd: Yeah, she said that there was a terrible odor in the operating room sort of like the smell in the restroom at Moe’s Garage.

Dwight: That’s disgusting. A couple of weeks ago I was there. I was on my way home from work when I had a bad case of the runs. I had no choice but to use Moe’s washroom. I thought of doing my business behind a big cactus in the desert, but I’m too scared of scorpions, rattlesnakes and tarantulas.

Rick: You said enough already, Dwight. Our listeners don’t need to hear any more details. Most of them are probably eating their dinner now. Go on, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Well, like I was saying the smell in the operating room was so bad that Nurse Jane had to run outside to barf.
Lloyd: Oh no! I think I’m going to barf right now.
Dwight: Quick Lloyd. Puke in the bucket by Rick’s shoes.
Nattator: Lloyd aims his head as close to the bucket as he can but some vomit still manages to splatter on Rick’s shoes.

Rick: Dang it Lloyd. Look at my shoes! Hold on. We have another caller on the line. I think it’s Moe Miller, the owner of Moe’s Garage.

Moe: What’s all this talk about the supposed bad smell in the washroom at my garage?

Dwight: Well, you have to admit it gets a bit funky in your washroom, Moe.

Moe: No, I don’t have to admit to anything right now, Dwight. I’m not on trial here.

Rick: You’re right, Moe, but it would help your cause if you took a little more time cleaning up your washroom more often.

Moe: Great suggestion, Rick. The problem is that I run a business here and my goal is to make a profit from it, not to go bankrupt.

Rick: How’s cleaning up your washroom going to make you go bankrupt?

Moe: Well, obviously, you know nothing about running a business. You’ve got your cushy, clean desk job as a radio station host because you married the owner’s daughter.
Now some guys like me have to earn a living the old fashioned way, by not being afraid to get our hands a little dirty.

Dwight: That’s a very interesting rant, Moe, but you still haven’t answered Rick’s question.

Moe: I was just leading up to that. It’s simple economics. I can only afford to hire two full time guys at my service station. One worker does all the mechanical repairs and a young kid pumps the gas for the customers. All three of us are working all the time and somebody uses the washroom about every five minutes. I don’t have the staff to clean the washroom every five minutes. It would help, too, if the customers treated our washroom with more respect. They pee on the toilet seat, pee on the floor, puke in the toilet and leave barf on the rim of the toilet. They also leave toilet paper all over the floor. So I don’t appreciate you guys putting all the mess and stench all on me.

Dwight: Hold on listeners. We have another caller on the line. At this time I would advise all of listeners who have kids at home to send them out to the barn to do their chores. We are having a very volatile and controversial show this evening and you may not want your children listening to parts of it.

Rick: That’s right Dwight. Our show is billed as a family show, but tonight it has evolved into a very heated and emotional show. Hold on, I think we have Mick Russell on the line.

Mick Russell: Yeah, this is Mick Russell. Will you guys shut up? I just took a bite out of my triple patty cheeseburger when I turned on the radio.

I hear you guys talking about diarrhea, puking and the horrible stench in Moe’s washroom. I immediately tossed my cheeseburger out the window.

Dwight: What a waste Mick! You should have given it to your dog, Chopper.

Mick: You don’t have to worry about that. Chopper just ran out the back door to go look for it.

Rick: Mick, now that we’ve got you on the line what do you make of the story that Lloyd just told us?

Mick: Look, you guys, I got offers to tell my story on the Larry King Show. So you’re not going to get any more free information from me. Have a good evening boys.

Like this:

Narrator: We are now at the Roswell Hospital. Nurse Jane and Dr. Zorba have the alien on the operating table. The doctor is busy doing an assessment of his patient’s condition when General Kane comes barging into the operating room.

Dr. Zorba: What is the meaning of this? You can’t be in here. I’m examining a patient. Who are you?

General Kane: I am General Kane. I am now your Commander-in-Chief.

Dr. Zorba: I’m not under your command. I’m the Head of Surgery at this hospital.

General Kane: That doesn’t mean a hill of beans to me.

Dr. Zorba: What do you want from me?

General Kane: I want the creature. I’m taking him to the Air Force Base. We are flying in a couple of world renowned scientists to examine it.

Dr. Zorba: You’re not going to take my patient from this hospital until I give my medical clearance.

Narrator: Nurse Carrie hears a voice in her head. It’s the creature trying to communicate telepathically with her.

Nurse Carrie: The creature is trying to tell us something. He communicates telepathically.

Dr. Zorba: What is he saying?

Nurse Carrie: He says that he’s from a distant solar system that he and his crew were doing some exploration of our planet. The creature is now telling me that he is going to send a message to you, doctor.

The Alien (speaking telepathically) : Hello doctor. My name is Captain Zig. Thank you for trying to help me. I’m the commander of my spaceship or at least what’s left of it. Our spacecraft had a head-on collision with another spacecraft that we couldn’t identify. Three of my officers died in the crash. I’m the lone survivor. We only came to your planet to do research. We mean your planet no harm, but this man in the room with you, he scares me.

General Kane: What’s wrong Doc ? You look like you’re in a daze. Snap out of it and hand over this creature.

Dr. Zorba: This creature is an intelligent being from outside our solar system. He needs immediate medical attention. If you want this creature you’ll have to take him by force.

General Kane: It’s on!

Narrator: As General Kane moves toward the alien, Dr. Zorba steps in front of Jane, picks him up and executes a perfect piledriver on General Kane, driving him right into the cement floor.

Private Enns: You can’t do that! The pile driver’s been barred in three wrestling territories.

Dr. Zorba: In extreme circumstances one must resort to extreme measures.

Private Enns: You think you’re pretty tough don’t you, Zorba? Let’s see what you can do against a third-degree black belt.

Narrator: As all this chaos is breaking loose, Nurse Carrie returns holding a bedpan in her hands. When she sees Private Enns position himself in a karate kick stance, she throws the contents of the bedpan into his face. Meanwhile, General Kane, groggily, returns to his feet.

General Kane: You’re a dead man Zorba!

Narrator: Nurse Carrie runs down the hall to get help. When she gets part way down the hall she runs into Jim, the security guard. On each side of Jim are the two escaped convicts Harry O’Finsky and Steve Wyler.

Narrator: As Jim, Harry and Steve arrive at the entrance to the operating room they can’t believe their eyes. Dr. Zorba has General
Kane in a camel clutch. Private Enns is in the washroom vomiting and trying to wash the urine and feces from his face and hair.

Steve: Holy crow, Mauler! The doctor is executing a perfect camel clutch on the General.

General Kane: I’m a five-star general! I can take the pain. I’ll never tap out!

Act Eight Scene Four:

Narrator: At this point the Masked Mauler climbs up a tall medicine cabinet. When he gets to the top he leaps off the cabinet applying a vicious skull crusher to Dr. Zorba. Dr. Zorba is knocked out cold. At that moment Sheriff Pyle arrives in the operating room after receiving a 911 call.

Sheriff Pyle: All of you people are under arrest. I’m taking you all down to the courthouse.

Like this:

Narrator: After a long afternoon drinking at Dusty’s Tavern, Lloyd decides to do the interview at the radio station.

Rick: Someone’s knocking at the door, Dwight. You get it.

Dwight: Why not? I’m only the co-host of the show after all.

Narrator: When Dwight lets Lloyd in he can see that Lloyd is not too steady on his feet.

Rick: You look pretty drunk, Lloyd. Are you sure that you can do the interview?

Floyd: Damn right I can. I only drank about six Bud. Anyway, you guys are going to be famous worldwide after this interview.

Dwight: Lloyd we know that the Andy Griffin Show is popular in Roswell but I don’t think too many people have heard about it anywhere else.

Floyd: I didn’t come here to talk about the damn Andy Griffin Show.

Rick: What?! Look Lloyd, the Andy Griffin Show was the top-rated show in Roswell last year and that’s what our listeners expect you to
talk about.

Dwight: What else would you talk about? Cutting hair or playing checkers?

Lloyd: You’re one funny boy, Dwight. Let me first tell you guys why you don’t want me to talk about the Andy Griffin Show. Andy Griffin can’t even remember his lines for the show even when he’s sober.
Dwight: Hang on for a few minutes Lloyd. Our listeners want to hear some more from Mick Russell’s story.
Mick: I need to apologize to Rick,Dwight and their audience,
Dwight: Why’s that Mick?
Mick: Well, when I told you guys about finding the strange pieces of metal on the property, I exaggerated a little bit.
Rick: Exaggerated how?
Mick: Well guys, a flying saucer really didn’t crash on my ranch last night. Like I said earlier, I got a little carried away. I’ve been having a hard time lately. My wife left me because I wasn’t making enough money to keep the ranch going. So I got up in the morning, feeling very sorry for myself and started drinking. Then I start getting real lonely so I went down to Dusty’s Tavern to have some company. I had quite a few beers while I was at Dusty’s. My guess is that the alcohol clouded my judgment. When I got to the radio station I convinced myself that I’d seen pieces of a flying saucer on my ranch.
General Kane and Private Enns drove me back to the ranch and showed me what really fell on my ranch. It was a weather balloon. My conscience started to bother me so I figured I better get down to the radio station and tell everyone the real story. I’m sorry if I upset anyone.

Dwight: Mick, we didn’t smell alcohol on your breath when you were here before.

Rick Yeah, and why are you sweating so much Mick?

Dwight: I think maybe those Air Force guys put some heavy pressure on you to change story.

Lloyd the Barber: So do I.

Rick: Why do you say that Lloyd?

Lloyd: Because I drew a picture that proves that Mick is telling the truth.

Narrator: Lloyd shows his drawing to Rick and Dwight.

Rick: What is it, Lloyd?

Floyd: It’s a picture of a creature from outer space.

Dwight: Lloyd, you probably copied this picture out of a comic book.

Floyd: Okay, here’s my story. This afternoon I was at Dusty’s Tavern having a few beers. When I was there I spotted my old girlfriend, Jane sitting there with Dennis, the new town mortician. I hid behind a
fake palm tree and got close enough to hear what they were saying. Jane is a nurse at the Roswell Hospital. She was telling Dennis that she was in the operating room when the surgeons were performing an autopsy on a dead alien. Dennis the mortician asked her to draw a picture of the creature that she saw. While I was hiding behind the palm tree I sketched the picture of my shirt sleeve. Right after that I had to sneeze. That’s where you see the green splotch on the picture.
Narrator: Dwight shows the drawing on his sleeve to Rick, Dwight and Lloyd.
Dwight: I’m glad you told us you sneezed on the picture. If I didn’t know that it was a glob of snot I would have thought that the alien was literally a little green man. Ha! Ha!

Rick: You weren’t kidding Lloyd. This is an amazing story.

Dwight: What do you remember about Dennis and Jane’s conversation?

Floyd: I remember Nurse Jane saying that there were some surgeons working on the alien while a photographer was in the room taking page

pictures. She also said there was a cameraman shooting film with a 16mm Bell and Howell camera. Jane said she had to leave the room because she was feeling sick to her stomach. She said that the smell in the operating room was absolutely horrible.

Dwight: Was it anything like the smell in the washroom at Moe’s Garage?

Floyd: That’s exactly what she compared it to.

Rick: Whoa! That is bad. The last time I was in the washroom at Moe’s Garage I felt like I was going to puke.

Narrator: The phone starts ringing in the control room. Dwight picks up the phone.

Dwight: Listeners, we have Moe Miller, the owner of Moe’s Garage on the line.

Moe: What’s this I hear about a filthy, smelly washroom at Moe’s Garage?

Lloyd: You been in there recently, Moe? The odor is disgusting.

Moe: You want to know what’s really disgusting Lloyd?

Lloyd: What?

Moe: Your acting. You have the gall to come on the show and insult a great actor like Andy Griffin while you can’t act worth a hill of beans yourself.

Rick: Come on, boys. This is starting to get personal.

Dwight: That’s right Rick. I think that we should ask the listeners to get their children to stay out of the room while this segment of the show is running.

Rick: Dwight’s right, listeners. The content on tonight’s show is getting pretty intense. This might be a good time to send your kids out to the barn to do a few chores.

Dwight: In fact, listeners it’s time to cut to a commercial from tonight’s sponsor Moe’s Garage, where your car gets fixed right at a fair, honest price.

Moe: How dare you run my commercial now? You just finished slandering the reputation of Moe’s Garage.

Rick: Well, you’re paying for the commercial airtime whether we run it or not Moe.

Moe: What?! Who do you think is going to come to my garage now that they’ve heard that my washroom is filthy?

Dwight: Everybody, Moe. You got the only service station within fifty miles of Roswell.

Moe: All right, run the damn commercial then!

Narrator: The phone in the radio station starts ringing once again. Dwight takes a call from Dennis the mortician.

Dwight: Listeners, we now have Dennis the mortician on the line. Have you got any interesting comments or questions for us this evening, Dennis?

Dennis: You bet I do. First of all get that yahoo, Lloyd the Barber, off of your show. He’s a drunk, an idiot and a D rate actor.

Lloyd the Barber: So you’re the guy who’s been putting the moves on my girlfriend, Nurse Jane!

Dennis: First of all Lloyd, she’s your ex -girlfriend. She told me that she has no more interest in you whatsoever. Furthermore, you need to stop stalking her.

Lloyd: What do you mean stalking her?

Dennis: Well, what do you call hiding behind a fake palm tree and eaves- dropping on our conversation at Dusty’s Tavern?

Lloyd: That’s not stalking. I was just trying to find out if she was really dating a bozo like you.

Rick: Listeners, once again we’re advising you to send your children out to the barn to do some chores at this time. Some listeners may find the following comments to be very offensive.

Dwight: That’s right. Our show is supposed to be family friendly. Thanks to our guests and callers tonight it’s more like a third rate Jerry Springer show.

Narrator: The phone rings once again in the control room. This time Jerry Springer is on the line.

Jerry Springer: So what’s wrong with the Jerry Springer show? If you guys had 1% of the audience my show has you wouldn’t have to live in a trailer park.

Rick: How do you know that Dwight and I live in a trailer park?

Jerry Springer: Because some of the guests on my show are your neighbors.

Dwight: Well listeners, that’s about all we need to hear from Jerry Springer this evening. We have some important questions to ask Dennis the mortician and Mick Russell.

Rick: That’s right. Dennis, what do you make of Lloyd’s story about the conversation that he overheard?

Dennis: Well, I hate to admit it, but basically it’s true. What Lloyd reported is what Nurse Jane told me.

Dwight: Did you believe her?

Dennis: Of course, she’s my girlfriend.

Floyd: Your girlfriend?! You admit it! That’s all I wanted to find out.

Rick: Boys, we’re not really interested in this love triangle. What we need to know is about this alien in the operating room.

Dwight: Hold on Rick. We have another caller on the line. He says he’s a university professor.

Rick: Hello sir. What university are you from and what is your specialty?

Prof. Stone: My name is Dr. Meredith D. Stone. I’m the Department Head of Archeology at the University of New Mexico.

Rick: What’s your take on tonight’s discussion sir?

Dwight: Yes, who do you think is really telling the truth? Mick
Russell, Lloyd the Barber or Dennis the mortician?

Professor Stone: I don’t know about Mr. Russell’s story. His story about a weather balloon sounds like a government cover-up to me, but I do believe that Lloyd and Dennis are telling the truth.

Dwight: Why do you say that?

Prof. Stone: Because I have seen the aliens with my own eyes.

Rick: What?! Where?!

Prof. Stone: Two days ago I took a group of my students on a field trip to search for dinosaur bones. While we were in the desert we found a crashed space craft that we could not identify. We also found three dead aliens and one that was still alive. And ambulance arrived on the scene shortly after. A paramedic and a firefighter were just about to take the surviving alien to the hospital when two Air Force
officials pulled up in their jeep.

Like this:

Narrator: Dusty manages to convince Lloyd that he owes it to his fans to do tonight’s interview on Rick and Dwight’s Radio Show. Lloyd staggers down the sidewalk to the radio station. Before going in he realizes he needs to take a leak really bad. Lloyd pulls up in front of Dwight’s car and sets his sights upon the back passenger tire. Dwight is looking out the window trying to see if Lloyd will show up in time for his interview. He sees what Dwight is doing and runs over to the space where the door used to be. He yells at Lloyd.

Dwight: Hey Lloyd, what are doing taking a leak on my car’s tire.

Lloyd: Sorry Dwight. I couldn’t hold it long enough to make it to your washroom on time.

Dwight: Have you been drinking at Dusty’s, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Just in the afternoon.

Narrator:
By this time Rick has joined Dwight by the open space where the door used to be. He quickly catches the gist of the situation.

Rick: Lloyd, I’m cancelling your interview for this evening. You’re so drunk that you can barely stand up straight.

Lloyd: I’ll be all right. Just put me in a chair. I have a hell of a story to tell your listeners.

Dwight: Did something unusual happen on the set of The Andy Griffin Show?

Lloyd: No, but I didn’t come here to talk about The Andy Griffin Show.

Rick: Then what are you going to talk about Lloyd? About the time you were so drunk you cut off a piece of a customer’s ear while you were giving him a haircut?

Lloyd: No, but I did that guy a favor. One of his ears was bigger than the other before I made the adjustment for him. I even took out a needle and thread and put stitches in what was left of his ear.

Dwight: Come to think of it, Rick, that is a pretty good story. Maybe Lloyd should tell it on the show tonight. If the mayor is listening he might even give Lloyd a medal for stopping the guy from bleeding to death.

Rick: Don’t be ridiculous Dwight. Lloyd would lose his day job. Who’s going to want to get a haircut from a drunk barber?

Dwight: You’re probably right. Maybe Lloyd should have trained to be a paramedic instead of a barber.

Lloyd: Look, I’ve heard enough from you two guys. I want to start my interview now, before I pass out.

Dwight: Do you think you might puke too, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Yeah, probably, just before I pass out.

Dwight: Thanks for warning us in advance Lloyd. I’ll go get a bucket from the janitor’s supply room.

Lloyd: But I’m not going to tell the story on the air about cutting off a piece of the guy’s ear. I gotta admit, though, it’s pretty funny.

Dwight: We better get started with Lloyd’s interview now Rick. It’s already past seven o’clock.

Narrator: Rick nods to Dwight in agreement and switches on the green light and the microphones.

Rick: Good evening listeners. We apologize for the late start to the evening show, but we had a few technical difficulties we needed to correct. It will be worth the wait, however. As promised, we’re going to do the interview with our very special guest, Lloyd the Barber, one of the stars of the Andy Griffin Show.

Lloyd: Not one of the stars of The Andy Griffin Show, the star of the Andy Griffin Show. The rest of the cast aren’t stars. It’s a stretch to even call them actors.

Dwight: I’m hearing some bitterness in your voice, Lloyd.

Lloyd: No, you’re not hearing bitterness you’re hearing the truth. It’s about time somebody told the truth about that show.

Rick: Aren’t you afraid of losing your job on the show, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Ah, come on, Rick. If they fire me they may as well shut down the whole show. Besides, I still have my day job at the barber shop anyway. It’s not like I’m going to starve to death.

Dwight: How about that guy who lost part of his ear in your barber shop?

Lloyd: Shut up Dwight! First of all, that’s an urban legend and secondly, I thought we all agreed we weren’t going to discuss that incident on the show.

Rick: Okay, chill out Lloyd. Loyal listeners I apologize for Lloyd’s temper tonight. He doesn’t appear to be in a very good mood this evening.

Lloyd: And you wouldn’t be either if you had to work two jobs all the time just to make ends meet.

Rick: Well said, Lloyd. You told us when you first came in the station that you had a great news story for us.

Lloyd: Great? Great story? It’s the most important story of the century!

Dwight: Go for it, Lloyd. We’re all ears and so are our listeners.

Lloyd: Well, let me tell you this. You guys are going to owe me big time after this.
Anyway, do you guys remember that rancher you had in earlier today?

Rick: You mean Mick Russell, our guest on the morning show who the military arrested twice today?

Lloyd: Yeah, that’s him. Well, he was telling the truth. At first, I thought he was some kind of whack job until I had his story confirmed. In fact, Mick only knew part of the story. He was right about the crashed flying saucer, but he didn’t know about the aliens in the space ship.

Dwight: What? Aliens? Creatures from outer space?

Lloyd: That’s right. It’s absolutely true. A space ship, possibly two of them crashed right here in Roswell and Corona. The army found four aliens, three were DOA but one is still alive. They were doing an autopsy in Roswell Hospital on one of the dead aliens two days ago.

Rick: Who told you this and why should we believe you?

Lloyd: Because I drew a sketch of one of the creatures right here on the sleeve of my shirt. I saw a nurse from the hospital draw it on a napkin when I was at Dusty’s Tavern the other night. She didn’t know that I was making my own copy of the drawing because I was hiding behind a palm tree.

Dwight: So now you’re telling us that Dusty has palm trees growing in his bar? Does he have a beach with sand there too?

Lloyd: How can you be so stupid, Dwight? It was the artificial palm tree that Dusty keeps near the front door of the bar.

Rick: Let’ see. I’m looking at the picture on Dwight’s sleeve now. The creature has an enormous head with large oval eyes. It’s probably only about three or four feet tall by the looks of it. It’s skin color appears to be a blend of gray and green.

Lloyd: No, that’s a mistake on my drawing. While I was shading in the gray with a pencil I had to sneeze. I didn’t have any Kleenex so I had to wipe my nose on my sleeve.

Rick: So does that mean its skin color is all gray?

Lloyd: Yes, that’s how Nurse Jane described it.

Dwight: What else did the nurse say Lloyd?

Lloyd: She said there were two men with cameras in the room and that they were taking pictures during the autopsy.

Rick: Keep going Lloyd. Did she say anything else?

Lloyd: Yeah, she said that there was a terrible odor in the operating room sort of like the smell in the restroom at Moe’s Garage.

Dwight: That’s disgusting. A couple of weeks ago I was there. I was on my way home from work when I had a bad case of the runs. I had no choice but to use Moe’s washroom. I thought of doing my business behind a big cactus in the desert, but I’m too scared of scorpions, rattlesnakes and tarantulas.

Rick: You said enough already, Dwight. Our listeners don’t need to hear any

more details. Most of them are probably eating their dinner now. Go on, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Well, like I was saying the smell in the operating room was so bad that Nurse Jane had to run outside to barf.
Lloyd: Oh no! I think I’ going to barf right now.
Dwight: Quick Lloyd. Puke in the garbage can by Rick’s shoes.
Nattator: Lloyd aims his head as close to the bucket as he can but some vomit still manages to splatter on Rick’s shoes.

Rick: Dang it Lloyd. Look at my shoes! Hold on. We have another caller on the line. I think it’s Moe Miller, the owner of Moe’s Garage.

Moe: What’s all this talk about the supposed bad smell in the washroom at my garage?

Dwight: Well, you have to admit it gets a bit funky in your washroom, Moe.

Moe: No, I don’t have to admit to anything right now, Dwight. I’m not on trial here.

Rick: You’re right, Moe, but it would help your cause if you took a little more time cleaning up your washroom more often.

Moe: Great suggestion, Rick. The problem is that I run a business here and my goal is to make a profit from it, not to go bankrupt.

Rick: How’s cleaning up your washroom going to make you go bankrupt?

Moe: Well, obviously, you know nothing about running a business. You’ve got your cushy, clean desk job as a radio station host because you married the owner’s daughter.
Now some guys like me have to earn a living the old fashioned way, by not being afraid to get our hands a little dirty.

Dwight: That’s a very interesting rant, Moe, but you still haven’t answered Rick’s question.

Moe: I was just leading up to that. It’s simple economics. I can only afford to hire two full time guys at my service station. One worker does all the mechanical repairs and a young kid pumps the gas for the customers. All three of us are working all the time and somebody uses the washroom about every five minutes. I don’t have the staff to clean the washroom every five minutes. It would help, too, if the customers treated our washroom with more respect. They pee on the toilet seat, pee on the floor, puke in the toilet and leave barf on the rim of the toilet. They also leave toilet paper all over the floor. So I don’t appreciate you guys putting all the mess and stench all on me.

Dwight: Hold on listeners. We have another caller on the line. At this time I would advise all of listeners who have kids at home to send them out to the barn to do their chores. We are having a very volatile and controversial show this evening and you may not want your children listening to parts of it.

Rick: That’s right Dwight. Our show is billed as a family show, but tonight it has evolved into a very heated and emotional show. Hold on, I think we have Mick Russell on the line.

Mick Russell: Yeah, this is Mick Russell. Will you guys shut up? I just took a bite out of my triple patty cheeseburger when I turned on the radio.

I hear you guys talking about diarrhea, puking and the horrible stench in Moe’s washroom. I immediately tossed my cheeseburger out the window.

Dwight: What a waste Mick! You should have given it to your dog, Chopper.

Mick: You don’t have to worry about that. Chopper just ran out the back door to go look for it.

Rick: Mick, now that we’ve got you on the line what do you make of the story that Lloyd just told us?

Mick: Look, you guys, I got offers to tell my story on the Larry King Show. So you’re not going to get any more free information from me. Have a good evening boys.

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Narrator: While waiting for Hoss, Harvey starts pulling some of the cactus prickles out of his backside. He turns around quickly to hear rattling and hissing sounds behind him.

Hoss: Watch out Harv! There’s a big rattler coiled up and ready to strike, right behind you. Don’t worry I’ll try to scare him off.

Narrator: Hoss hurls the roll of toilet paper at the rattlesnake. This just startles the snake. The rattlesnake retaliates by biting Harvey in the backside.

Harvey: Hoss, get me to the Roswell Hospital fast! I need to get a shot of the antidote for the snake venom.

Author’s Note:
It is now time to bring back two characters from my previous play, The Escaped Convict. The two characters are Steve Wyler and Harry O’Finsky. In my last play, Steven Wyler and Harry

O’Finsky are in a wrestling match with Hulk Hogan and Jake the Snake Roberts. There is mass chaos breaking out in the ring. Steve Tyler grabs Harry O’Finsky who is disguised as the Masked Mauler. The two convicts run backstage and enter an old storage room near the back of the arena.

Steve: We’ll be safe in here for a little while, Harry. I had to get you out of the ring before we both got arrested and even killed. As I was looking around the arena I saw the Warden as well as those two cons we stole the smokes from last month.

Harry: Man, its mighty dark and dusty in this old shed. Hey, Steve, look over there. What’s that big fancy wheel with all the fancy
colors?

Steve: I don’t know. Let’s check it out.

Harry: Wow, this thing is cool, Steve. It looks like some kind of antique car. It has two seats, a lever and a dash that’s all lit up.

Narrator: Steve and Harvey get into the seats of the car. Harry can’t resist pushing some buttons on the dash and pushing the lever forward. In a few seconds, the vehicle starts to shake and rattle and all Harry and Steve can see is a swirling kaleidoscope of colors. In a few minutes their vehicle crashes in a farmer’s field.

Steve: What just happened? Where the heck are we?

Harry: Hey, look what it says on the dash. It says location Roswell, New Mexico, year 1947.

Like this:

Dwight: I don’t know. I found them on the floor after the Air Force
guys took Mick away.

Harvey: Our best bet is to head towards Corona. They have lots of huge sand dunes out there.

Hoss: Good thinking Harv. Corona is far enough away that no one would think of looking for his body out there.

Harvey: Nobody but us, you mean. We can stop in Corona and pick
up a couple of burgers at Burger King.

Hoss: We better stop at Moe’s Garage before we leave town. We’ll have to fill up with gas if we’re driving all the way to Corona.

Harvey: Good idea. I gotta use the washroom real bad.

Narrator: Harvey and Hoss pull up to the gas pumps at Moe’s Garage. While Moe is busy with a customer, two of his mechanics.

Homer: Hey, Les. Get a load of this. One of those guys in the the car looks just like Elmer Fudd and his friend looks like Yosemite Sam.

Les: They’re wearing costumes Homer. There’s a big rodeo going on in Corona this weekend. Those two dudes are probably rodeo clowns.

Narrator: Moe finishes up at the cash register and then walks up to
the gas pumps. How much gas do you need, boys?

Hoss: Can you fill her up? We’re driving all the way to Corona.

Moe: For the big rodeo? I noticed your costumes. You guys must be rodeo clowns.

Harvey: No, we’re dog catchers. We’re on our way to get the keys back for our truck. Some rancher has them. We heard that some Air Force guys buried him in the desert.

Moe: What?!

Hoss: Harvey doesn’t know what he’s saying. He’s out of his head
with the heatstroke. We just finished working this kid’s birthday party. We
were out in the hot sun for a couple of hours. It gets mighty hot in these costumes. We’re in a hurry to get to the rodeo so we didn’t have time to change out of our costumes.

Harvey: Yeah, and my stomach is starting to feel a little queasy. Can I get the keys to your washroom?

Moe: The washroom’s all boarded up. Two guys from the Health Department shut her down this morning. They said they were listening to Rick and Dwight’s radio show and heard that my washroom was filthy.

Harvey: What can I do? I got to go real bad.

Moe: Well, there’s a big cactus plant growing behind the garage. Nobody can see you from the road.

Narrator: Harvey gets behind the big cactus plant and tries to unzip his costume. The zipper gets stuck and Harvey has to cut a hole in the backside of the costume with his Swiss Army knife. Harvey leans back on the cactus plant in order to get his balance. His butt gets punctured by the thorns sticking out of the cactus plant.

Harvey: Yow! That hurts. There’s nothing like getting cactus prickles in your butt when you’re trying to do your business. Hey, Hoss, can you bring me some toilet paper? I left a roll in the glove compartment.