Wednesday, June 10, 2009

My Son Remembers..........

Bryan was 3 when Sonya passed away and I was playing a song that we played at her service and he looked at me (he is now almost 6) and said hey that's Sonya's Song! I remember the doctor took her and we buried her in a big hole in a rock(Vault.) He said (just a few min ago) That we should go get her that he cried for her and miss's her so much. I am crying now I did not know how much he remembered or how much Losing his sister affected my 3 year old(at the time).I remember the day we lost her Bryan Looked at the doctor and asked why they took his baby?I am so Heart Sick for Bryan. I tell him she is in Heaven and we will see her again some day and he says I know Mom But I Miss Her!I thought he was to young to know but I guess since he was with me all the time and was there when we got the news and there for the u/s and there when we almost lost her the first time and I prayed with him to save her and he saw me screaming and dieing emotionally that he went through it all with me that is was raw and real to him just as it was it me. I tried to hide my pain from him from every one but I guess he saw through my vial to the person below. I remember when I found out Sonya would die he would come up to me and lay his head on my belly and say the baby ok today mom the baby ok feel her mama feel her in there(Which meant I feel her in there he was 3 and not talking well). Then when we lost her and I would sit and cry he would come up and say mommy sad mommy sad mommy it ok be happy? Baby die Mom Baby Die?? And I would say yes mommy's sad because the your sister the baby died.Be Happy Be Happy mama Baby in Heaven?Yes baby's in heaven sweetie.Oooh I love you mama miss baby miss baby.

Then he was there with us when they told us we would lose Logan he was 4 and he said don't worry mommy the baby will be ok and I said I hope so!He was right!

When we told him Logan was a boy he cried and said he wasn't he was a girl! He wanted him to be a girl so bad because then he would have his sister. He was convinced Logan was a Girl up untel he saw his penis!! Then he cried as he held him and I cried to and he loved him so much he didn't want any one to hold him or take him from me he was sure the doctors killed his sister and thought the same would happen to his new brother!When we came home with him he was so happy.Then that day in September when Logan was hospitalize and Bryan had to go home with out him he screamed!He thought that if he left he would never see his brother alive again! None of the other boys have ever shown so much emotion in it all! It makes me cry.