Comrades! There is reason for much rejoicing. The inevitable progressive future has never looked brighter, not even in 1917. For president, we will get a liberal progressive, a liberal progressive, or a Republican maverick, which is PeopleSpeak™ for liberal progressive. Moreover, we will continue to have a progressive liberal majority in both houses. What does this mean? It’s all good, comrades…

·No more denial about the truth of gullible global warming

·More taxes for the planet

·Never again will we drill for our own oil

·Even more taxes for the children™

·Retreat from Iraq

·Way more taxes on gasoline to fund investigations into price gouging by oil companies

·Hope and change

·Gobs more taxes to correct the horrendous maldistribution of wealth

·Universal health care as good as Cuba

·Still more taxes to pay for monitoring the lists of those waiting on health care

·Progressive judges for decades to come

oNo more state child breeders asserting their “right” to educate “their” children™

oNo more deluded “private citizens” imagining a right to arm themselves

oNo more bigoted displays of the Ten Commandments

oMandatory sensitivity training in Sharia Law for everybody

·Long overdue attention to Basic Human Rights™

…which is where I get to my point, comrades. You see, we all have Basic Human Rights™ that have been trampled by the evil Bush Cheney Hitler administration. But now that the revolution has finally come, possibly making future elections unnecessary, it is time to codify, once and for all, just what our Basic Human Rights™ are. Therefore, I suggest a collective effort to identify and establish our Basic Human Rights™ so that the misery and oppression of the past will be finally replaced with an Amerikan workers’ utopia just as good as the one in North Korea.

My Basic Human Right(s)™ entails the Government's unlimited access to other people's money to pay for my healthcare, my housing, my living expenses, my drug addiction(s), my mental affliction (I am a sexaholic!), my illegitimate children (all twenty of them), my on demand exercise of a woman's right to choose, my new pimped out BMW, my new pimped out Caddy, my sub-prime loan, my houses that I bought with my sub-prime loan, and, of course, my rebates. I want a lot of rebates so that I can stimulate the economy by buying some new Prada shoes and Louis Vuitton bags.

Vodka. I have the right to government-subsidized vodka. Dammit! Heroin addicts get free needles to avoid the spread of disease. My kids get free condoms to avoid the spread of disease. Why can't I have free vodka for the same reason?

If only the government would give me as much vodka as I needed, no questions asked, just like they do with the needles and the condoms, then I wouldn't have to ask for swigs out of other peoples' bottles, and I wouldn't be getting all these weird diseases and cold sores and infections. The one on my tongue has gotten a lot worse ever since I let that hippy girl pierce it at the Impeach Or Else Pierce-In and Hokey Poke-In last Monday. I just know it's from shared vodka bottles.

I notice that a disproportionate number of PhDs go to people who are intellectually gifted and work hard. So, like, where does that leave the rest of us? I demand a more equable distribution of PhDs! Having a PhD without having to pay for it or work for it is a BHRTM.

A box of free ribbons is on its way to your dacha (postage and handling kindly paid for by the Chairman to ensure you pay nothing) to show that you really care as you freely demand that This and That be freed. This and That are no doubt political prisoners who are being held in Guantanamo Bay by the Bush Cheney Hitler administration.

A rainbow assortment of ribbons and free license to protest are also Basic Human RightsTM.

My basic right is to have anything I wish on a silver platter as Laika suggested, however, I also have a right for an apology from the government for denying my basic rights for all these many years. Yes, I was reparations for this denial of services all these years.

I also have a basic right to eat my boiled crawfish while feeling pity for my comrades who are not enjoying such a feast tonight.

Which reminds me.... I have a basic human right to feel good about any thing I choose to do. No matter how selfish, how extreme, how "perverted" in the eyes of backward moralists, I have a right to feel good about myself.

As a result of the endless anguish I've suffered under the Bush Administration, I have the basic right to lifelong cash reparations (with regular increases to keep up with inflation); and official victim status that will entitle me to special extras like free housing, unlimited free admission to all amusement parks in Orlando, FL (with no blackout dates), free condoms, free abortions for when the condoms break (at anytime during the pregnancy), free shopping sprees at all malls, and a BMW convertible in Putinka Pink.

Also, I want Barbie's Dream Gulag complete with a Kommissar Ken, and a pony.

How Wright you are, Pupovich. Four meals a day is a Basic Human RightTM, and I mean "basic" with very low expectations. Hobbits and the wealthy actors who portray them while eating at cafes named after glorious progressive leaders know this...

Hobbits have especially been marginalized because of the low esteem in which they're held by humans, elves, dwarves, and Republicans. Ignorance and racism! Well, as Comrade Michelle says, that's Middle Earth. And she should know - who, other than Hillary, has suffered like Michelle Obama? Even my spell checker in Word (well, not the Word, but Microsoft Word) wants to call her Osama. When will it all end?

(karakter off)If she wasn't so angry, she'd actually be attractive. Just one more reason she and her husband need to find a real church.

(karakter on)I mean, I identify with her rage! It's my fault! Mine! Mine! Mine! I'm a whitey and I hate myself for what I've done to her! Reverend Wright, Reverend Manning, what must I do to redeem myself!? Oh, my tortured soul!

Ha! Excellent, Kalashnikov! I think that version even comes with sermon templates available on the "Insert" ribbon.

It's authentic, Red, not a parody; having a racist multicultural version of Word is also a Basic Human WrightTM, especially if a progressive administration forces Bill Gates to produce and distribute it at his expense.

LOL. Mikhail - did you just make this inner-cities-schools-approved edition of MS WORD or did you find it elsewhere?Alas, that is not my work. I wish I could remember where found it, but I cannot. It's been floating around the web for years, and I grabbed it about 10 months ago.

Komissar Blogunov

I think that version even comes with sermon templates available on the "Insert" ribbon.It does. And also an Ebonics option in the language options.

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia

CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes

ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers

When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was

CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry

Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'

BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.

DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'

Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago

Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same

Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote

The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patriotic as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush

Venezuela solves starvation problem by making it mandatory to buy food

China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"

Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'

Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%

America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith

Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine

Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET

Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths

Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'

Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State

President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise