Paducah, KY - (Oct. 23) - Mobs of
angry websurfers and email-receivers poured
into the streets of large capital cities all
over the world, yesterday, to express their
outrage over the latest incident of online
child porn spam.

Stores and office buildings were looted by the angry
mobs and, in many cities, the National Guard had to be
called out to contain them.

A spokesman for the Miami Police Department, Guilliermo
Goldfarb, was shocked by the audacious behavior of the
mob in his city. "They weren't just killing people and
destroying property," the officer said, "But some of
them were even wearing Halloween costumes depicting
infant sex acts! And a week early!"

Apparently the protests were sparked by an email
promising free child porn, that was sent to all 39.4
million users of the Internet (the world-wide network of
computer networks and pornography servers).

Speaking from the grave, Pornography industry goodwill
ambassador, Johnny Wadd, claimed the whole incident had
been fabricated "by some internet-related company,
trying desperately to create some buzz to help boost its
sputtering IPO prospects."

But protesters weren't concerned about the source --
they were pissed at the lack of results. As one angry
Chicagoan explained: "Hey, there was nothing on the
tube that night, nobody good at CBGB's, and nothing on
the All-New Microsoft Network. So when I got this email
about free child porn, I immediately dropped my pants
and started clicking away at my mouse."

But what this poor gent and over 39.399 million other
middle American luge dads and sucker moms found when
they clicked on the link, was a cruel violation of their
sacred expectation. No pre-pubescent buttfucks. No
trainer bondage gear. Not even a golden tinkle or
Gerber's Shower.

As Rebecca Kramer of Tonawanda, New York put it, "I
thought I'd see the little kiddies fucking and sucking
away like crazy -- but, instead, it was all like some
terrible joke out of Ms Mad Magazine. It wasn't
pornography featuring little children -- It was
pornography designed for people with the minds of
little children. And frankly, I didn't go to UC Irvine
to not know how to know when I'm being fed sub-par
porn."

And her sentiments were echoed by millions of others
just like her, who want the real thing -- and want it
NOW.

Net savant and trend-spotter, Karen Alexander, analyzed
the riff-raffs' motivations thusly: "Progress is
changing things so fast that people are rapidly running
out of sanctimonies they can cling to and get all
self-righteous about. Quality child porn is where many
of them are making their Custer's Last Stand."

But, overall, Karen was quite sanguine, and advised
disgruntled Netizombies to "relax and chill the fuck out
-- and take heart in the words of William Blake, who
reminds us that there's nothing finer than

to hold the real killer app
in the palm of your hand,
while seeing pornography at
30 fps, in a fucking grain of sand."