Writings from the Heart, Mind and Soul.

Month: February 2016

She acts stronger than she is
She lasts longer than she cares
She looks open but resides rather privately
She grows only on her own surrounded by silence
Passive aggressive doesn’t touch her
It molds her, controls her, destroys her
To a beast of no more morals
Containment or pride do not exist
Blind rage of fears and doubts she likes to hate
Can anyone blame her?
If they don’t even know her
Judging is the closest they will ever get allowed to come
Purely because she reaches beyond their general level
Of self reflective darkness
Self induced light
Under performing progress
Over accomplishing bright
She cries louder than thunderstorms
She sinks deeper than the no returns
Of a black holes singularity
She unfolds stacks of complexities
Within a wink of thought
But crashes all her brilliance
For the shadow of what she felt
When she first fell in love
She will unravel you
Before you begin to reveal
To yourself even the rhythm
Of reflections you’ve never rested without
She will narrate you
Beyond annoyance but deeply rooted
In a truth you didn’t know you had internal
Until she plucked it from your brain
To lay it before you on the table
With a pride in her smile
That shines through the rooms in her own darkened mind
Only to admit that it was you who brought it to her
She will always promise you
All her inspiration comes from how she lives
How it happens, how it goes
How she drew it all out while she was born
How every word she writes is a memory
From before she became real

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Love is what it looks like to look at you
My pride I feel is proof enough
Of how pure and precious you are
Which somehow I always was aware of
When my eyes locked the first time
There was no other thought roaming
Than a desire to get to know you
As I saw you I stay ever since in awe
And each day as I grow closer
To understanding your beauty
I sink deeper in a delicate embrace
A liquid love that coats me in thick coverage
All around, soaked through and through
Like ink in my skin, no washing away

Caught on my retina one day
You stayed on my mind
As we connected at first sight
You latched on to my soul easily
Seeping your way into my heart
Daily devouring me with care
On emotion, in spirit, physically
With your love so empowering
How it overwhelms me full of wonder
There’s no will for me to control
Any of myself anymore
All for you it will always be
I don’t remember from before
Who I was prior to you loving me

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Every other second
I feel like everything could fall apart
Tragedies that happened
Remain irreversible to the heart

What’s left of promises?

The answer I’m still waiting for
Broken spirit more or less
But faith still blooming forever sure

Like flowers sprouting from clouds of doubt
Still proud with or without solid ground
On how it will unfold or fall
Because nothing at all
I repeat, nothing at all
Could replace any aspect
Of this wonderful, disastrous, magical epic

For the ball is round
It’s you that I found
And embrace every effect
That your beautiful, infectious, angelic being
Has on me
What you’ve done to us
I can’t stop to be
Amazed every day
I am faced to appreciate

How I’m becoming by love
Up and down, around and from above

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I raped a girl today. It wasn’t my intention. But it happened. I don’t know if it was because I felt like she was showing signs of wanting me. Or because I just wanted to, in spite of anything she wanted.
At the moment, I didn’t think. I didn’t think about any of that. Because I guess I didn’t care. I didn’t care about any of that. I saw what I wanted and I took it. And I took it good. Maybe she even enjoyed it. Maybe she just pretended to not want it. Girls do that sometimes. They say no, because they’re not sure, because they feel it’s wrong, because they want to play games. Not because they really don’t want it.

So I took her to a place nobody would come by. I knew that, because I’ve been there before. To just be alone and smoke weed or drink and think about things. I took her there and I sat her down. We talked, I thought I could talk her into being into me. She did show signs of liking me, but I still wasn’t sure. So I just started touching her. She did say ‘no’, but it wasn’t very convincing. She seemed insecure. So I went on. I took her hand and put it on my body. I told her to suck my dick. She said she had never done that before. What? She was 19 years old, 1 year older than me. How could she have never done that before.
I told her to try, she said she didn’t want to. But I was already hard, I don’t know why. Maybe because of the look in her eyes, asking for me to save her, or her trembling lips, that I wanted to touch so badly. I took her hand and put it on my dick. I told her to touch it. I lifted up my sweatpants and put her hand in my boxers. Her eyes became large. That meant she liked it, right?
She tried to pull her hand back, but I didn’t let her. I got up and pulled her up with me. I turned her around and kissed her neck. That way she would feel comfortable. Comfortable and happy about what was going to happen. She kept saying ‘no’, but I felt like she didn’t mean it. I pulled down her pants and her underwear. Now she was begging ‘please don’t do this’.
Those were just words though, she didn’t do anything to stop me. I pulled out my dick and put it at the entrance. I pushed in and it felt so tight and warm, wet even.

If she’s wet, how can she say she doesn’t want it? How can she not want this? It feels so good. I hold her tightly around her waist. She screams ‘no, please stop’ a couple of times. She puts her nails in the skin of my arm. I tighten my grip and hold her firmly. She’s not going anywhere. She is mine, for now. I thrust in and out. I fuck her hard and deep. Now she can’t deny me anything. No one can deny me this. I’ve earned this, I deserve this. She belongs to me. Her body is my pleasure. She keeps begging me to stop. It’s starting to get annoying. I tell her to wait, I’m almost done. I feel like I’m going to cum, but she needs to shut up. She’s so tight and warm, her body feels so smooth and soft in my arms. How can she not feel what I’m feeling? This feeling is awesome, fucking awesome!
She has her hands covering her mouth now. See, she does enjoy it, she has to control herself not to scream in delight. I thrust a couple more times and I cum. I empty out all my built up frustration and sensation in her precious little hole. I stay in there for a minute. Trying to regain the feeling, trying to block out her crying. She’s ruining it for me!

I pull out and walk away to clean my dick. I come back and she’s still standing in the position I left her. I must’ve fucked her in shock, that’s how good it was. She can’t even move, that’s how good it was. It must have been that good to her. She has her hand covering her mouth and she’s crying. Fuck, why is she still crying? Wasn’t it as good to her as it was to me? I try to pull up her pants, just so nobody will catch us here. She doesn’t cooperate, but she also doesn’t struggle against me. She’s still crying.

What did I do? What’s her fucking problem!? Wasn’t it great for both of us? I take her to sit down again. I wipe her tears and try to comfort her. She doesn’t say anything, and is just crying, still.
I try to talk to her, while stroking her head, but she seems so distant. The things I say, do not seem to reach her. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m giving up. I’ll just take her back to the station. I’ll just get rid of her, as soon as possible. What a disappointment this is.

Fuck! I guess I just raped her…

Heavy on the heart…this happened 8 years ago today.. (written in my perception of his perspective)