Fevering

We’ve caught the fever bug at our house. The boys are on the mend but being sick sucks. And we’re coming to the end of a 10 days stint of Zach being out of town. We are missing him a lot and can’t wait to see him tonight.

I have a love hate relationship with my boys being sick. I know that sounds really bad to say that part of me likes it, but they are just so cuddly when they are feeling crummy. They want me to hold them and rock them and tickle their backs. I live for that stuff. Affection is my love language and I’ve been able to give a lot of it the last couple of days.

I’ve been going through some pretty heavy spiritual struggles lately and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the difficulties of this life. It seems like everyone around me is struggling in one way or another. But it’s the hard things that stretch us into who we’re supposed to be. There’s a small measure of comfort to be gained from that realization and I don’t say that to belittle the trials we face. But it’s comforting to me, personally. The story of the refiners fire has always resonated deeply with me. I often find the people I admire most didn’t lead a charmed life and I can’t expect to be the kind of person I want to be without trials and disapointment and hardships.

And yet despite the insecurities and uncertainty, I’m so full of light because of the people in my life. I’ve been met with nothing but love and support through this process. I have an amazing group of friends who teach me so much about what it means to be Christlike. I have a husband who supports me in all that I do esspecially in finding happiness. I think pretty much every decision he makes on a daily basis is a choice made with my happiness and well-being in mind. I am so so so lucky.

And of course my boys. I always knew I wanted to be a mother and yet here I am, 4 years in and the power of the love I have for them still knocks me back in my seat at times. Am I a perfect mom? No. Absolutely not. I’m inconsistent and impatient and I lose my cool a lot. But my love for them is brilliantly perfect and as long as I’m always striving for my actions to reflect the power of that love I think I’m doing alright.