Biden Chokes Up While Describing Hardworking Americans Who Can Only Afford Shitty Ditch Weed
PHILADELPHIA—In an emotional address Wednesday night at the Democratic National Convention, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly choked up while describing the thousands of hardworking Americans throughout the nation who are only able to afford shitty ditch weed. “I’ve met good, proud Americans all across our great land who bust their ass day in, day out for the man, and it breaks my goddamn heart knowing that they barely have enough money for this brown, dried-out garbage that’s all fucking seeds and stems,” said Biden, pausing to regain his composure and wipe tears away from his eyes as he recalled the poignant story of an Akron, OH resident who worked tirelessly at two jobs but still lacked the financial means to pack a bowl with killer green bud. “For Christ’s sake, it kills me to see decent folks—folks who are our neighbors, friends, and parents—trying to make a living and doing their very best, and yet they’re still too broke to buy the sticky ganja that gets you totally baked. These are real Americans forced to settle for torching up super-harsh dirt weed that gives you a big headache and just crashes your ass out.” At press time, Biden had reportedly started sobbing in the middle of an anecdote about a “hot little spark plug” in Phoenix who had to scrape resin from her pipe every morning just so that she could wake and bake before work.

WASHINGTON—Saying he would “make a killing while catching rays,” Vice President Joe Biden confirmed Friday he had lined up a “totally sweet” summer gig installing above-ground pools around the D.C. metro area. “It’s gonna kick ass—three whole months of workin’ on my tan, crankin’ tunes on my boombox, and bird-doggin’ bored housewives,” said Biden, adding that his buddy Thomas “Lil’ Loco” Perez hooked him up with the plum job in which “you can totally get away with smoking up while on the clock.” “I don’t know dick about pools, but make no mistake, Uncle Joe can figure out that shit. They’ve got me in charge of my own crew, so I don’t really have to do jack. Plus, I can haul around all the pool junk in this rusty-ass, loud-as-fuck pickup truck I borrowed. It’s gonna be a bitchin’ summer.” Biden told reporters that he pulled a few strings to get paid under the table until he cleared up “some tax bullshit,” explaining that any wages on the books would be garnished by “those IRS fuckers.”