It will be good enough, sotired. I really doubt that smallboy and his friends will care what the food looks like as long as they have something to eat. Even if you didn't make any food at all it would be OK because someone could run to the store and pick up a cake and ice cream.

Your sanity matters much more to his wellbeing than pretty party food. Please try to take it easy as best you can. It will be done soon.

xx

-Torie__________________"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP ♡

Party went great,just had three games.oldest an d only threw a couple of tantrums Today (doesn't like it when I can't pay attention to the anorexia demands) we got through them fine.party was a success,everyone has gone home,now just have coffee with you peachdream tomorrow, will be lovely ,before my dad comes over-that may not be lovely.i can never tell with my family.still,you can't choose family eh,that's how it rolls.
D is restricting a lt today so it's less than ideal but there isn't anything I can do and I'm too tired after today to do it anyway.hope everyone's day going well__________________Sotired42

Hi sotired, delighted to hear part went well it's tiring having these parties under normal circumstances without having ed in house as well. Hope you are feeling less tired . Enjoy the coffee break.__________________Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary.

Took the maximum dosage of my anti anxiety tablets,three over the course of the day...was in bed asleep by 7 30pm!but,no teeth grinding,no stress during the party,I was able to just enjoy it.now back to trying to get d to eat again.she started well but yesterday did really poorly as I couldn't put any energy into her.in many ways though I think it's good to have the three kids to focus on, it means I can't get too caught up in an world as ASD world a dyslexia world need their own time!
I realise that this journey has been teaching me a lot,that even when I think this is it,it's all over,it isn't there's something else to learn,a small joy to celebrate,a way to get through.i am well supported and feel very fortunate there.i am able to learn here and give back here.that I'm ok.as a person,I'm ok.so today,I'm going to celebrate the small things, and count my blessings before normal life intrudes,even if it's just for half an hour we are AWESOME people!never forget that!__________________Sotired42

Have just been sitting here crying.on top of having my an daughter trying to get down to 50 kg, now small boy has frightened his best friend so much at school that the mum no longer wants my son anywhere near her boy.nothing I could do but apologise and offer to have my child moved out of the classroom.i have spent so much time trying to put good strategies in place but they aren't being followed so why did I bother?he didn't hit his friend but wouldn't let anyone else near him,shouted and screamed at the other kids.it must have been terrifying for the other boy.have meeting with residential team for my d tomorrow,can't imagine how I will get through it.then I imagine my sons school will be ringing me.i just don't know what to do.my life is spinning out of control again,I never get to put the pieces back together.sorry for whinging once more.__________________Sotired42

Hi sotired, I can't blame you for crying something's it helps to relieve all the frustration . God don't you feel life isn't fair .Hope thins settle with your little boy. Keep going you are a great mom to keep it all together. Warm thoughts to you. __________________Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary.

Oh sotired, so sorry to hear wee boy has had a tough time with his bestie. How disappointing that it may have been avoided if the school were using the procedures you thought you had well in place with them. Maybe in a few days things will calm down and the friend will start hanging out with him again. I hope that conversation with school goes ok, last thing you need Best of luck too with the thrive meeting today..__________________

D now 15yrs and well above target weight. Crossing everything we are now on the road to a full recovery.

Thanks Torie,k63 and peachdream,
I'm just gutted.couldnt sleep last night for a long long time.feel like if I have to talk to people-which I will do-I will just break down in tears.i guess this is why an d sometimes feels pushed aside because of her brothers issues.my dyslexic girl seems to cope a little better,but she is better at finding time to be with me.trying to get the strength to get out of bed without crying.be strong.you can do this.one foot in front of the other.this too will pass.everything does.__________________Sotired42

Life always seems to have something more to throw at us. I'm really sorry that small boy is having such trouble. It is heartbreaking to see them in trouble through no fault of their own, and with nothing much we can do about it. Hang in there! So hard when other parents just don't get it, and now both boys will miss out. My ASD student was having trouble with my coming back to work, but he got to school yesterday, was happy and settled and all the kids were happy to see him and wanted him to play with them, and I'm keeping a low profile until he gets used to me again, he's only 5 and school is quite hard for his level of anxiety. Sending love to you and your small boy.

Hi sotired, how is your week going? How did things work out for small boy and his friend? How is d going with her new home routine? We are plodding along nicely here. D is having to eat a massive amount to keep at 53kg and is hovering mostly around 52.6 now that she is permitted to do some exercise. We have given her a few weeks to try and stabilise and she has finally realised a goal of 53.5 might be necessary to ensure she does not get privileges removed. At this point she seems more concerned that the various voices have not quietened in her head yet and finds it hard to understand that can take some time after what her body has been through. Any plans for the long weekend? Thinking of you.__________________

D now 15yrs and well above target weight. Crossing everything we are now on the road to a full recovery.

Thanks elena and peachdream,
Gave small boy day off school yesterday as we were both too traumatised to face it!but today he went off,has talked to his friend but played with another friend so at least we may have got two good days out of him this week.taking me a little longer to recover.
My an d is being a bit difficult.wont drink anything but coke zero-which after reading cros98s post on aspartame is freaking me out.didnt eat dinner but had ice cream and marshmallows.is back in touch with a friend of hers (male) and wants to go and stay there.not sure how to explain that a)she isn't ready to go away without us yet and b)that that would send him signals that she is not ready for.refusing to do more than two days a week at day programme.has cut down Meds at night so is up later.as the weight comes off she is getting more grumpy.god I hate this.
My h is taking all three to Armageddon on Saturday, it's awful but I'm sort of hoping they stay out all day.i need to start doing things with the kids though,I feel like other than small boys activities and dinner time I have no energy for the kids at all.other than armeggedon peachdream,not much happening here for the long weekend.maybe something will pop up.hows yours shaping up?i am deeply deep,y envious that your d is working toward active recovery.who knows,for you this may all be over in a years time.maybe less.its really awesome tho, I just wish it was us too
Gardened today so gym tomorrow.have school pool key now,yay!might take the kids there on Sunday __________________Sotired42

Hi sotired, it's good your little boy went back to school and spoke to friend and played with another friend. Kids forget theses things too so hope that will be ok. Of course it takes you a lot longer to recover as you have so much going on be kind to yourself . It's such a strain when stuff is not going in the right direction. We have had a difficult week d really struggling with meals and was very upset over an exam result. She is getting back on track again but it's pressure on her dad and I. Thankfully we have the leverage of school and she wants to continue with that . I have to keep looking back to this time last year as she was losing and ended ip ip in November so there have been lots of ups and downs but we are in a better place. Hope your d will maintain weight at the leas and that she continues with treatment.__________________Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary.

I miss the leverage of school.i miss leverage.sigh.the other thing my d is doing a LOT is lying.she will tell me that her dad has agreed to stuff when he hasn't-when I check with him it turns out he knows nothing about it- and I hate that.now she is saying her friends mum is ok with having her for a week which means I have to txt my friend and check with her.she won't be going unless she pays for it,but it's wearying.we are seeing a return to belligerence,tiredness,lying,all things that when she was kept at 53 kg,had gone.well,maybe not the lying.i was never in agreement with this idea in the first place and because I am at home full time, I am generally the one who cops it when she lashes out verbally.normal 17 year olds are pretty hard work though so I maybe complaining about normal things to some degree.
Glad to hear you are forging through the hard times k63, it must be nice to have your h home and standing beside you during the hard times.use the leverage you have,all too soon it's gone...__________________Sotired42

EDs do love to divide people, any crack in the system and through they get. Mind you my h served up tea last night and asked my D how much quiche she would like!!!! I just about hit the roof, he just does not get that she cannot yet have control over how much she eats, we have to decide. He also forgets that all the snacks are important too. I'm sorry you are seeing a return of more negative behaviours with your D as she loses weight. It is hard to deal with all of this stuff when you are already exhausted, in pain and anxious/depressed yourself. Our girl was out of my sphere of influence for 1 1/2 days at a sleepover, and she has been struggling to eat now that she is back, and general grizzling and complaining, but although it is a pain seeing the ED back, it is manageable. Hang in there, it is tough when it is just them and you at home all the time and the battles rage almost continuously, is there something you both like to do together that doesn't involve food or exercise?

I just don't really enjoy my kids anymore.i spend so much time fighting for them,that spending time with them - and usually being shouted at for my efforts- doesn't seem worth it.i tried seeing if my d wanted to go to yoga with me but she didn't want to.she is just combative about so much and so is my son that my middle one, who used to be my needy complainer,is now my beacon of light.
I just never imagined it would come to this.watching my d slowly get rid of all my hard work is horrible and now just feels pointless that I have fought so hard and other people are letting her go backwards.its not them who have to live with her.oh well.this is my life,it sucks and I best get on with it.__________________Sotired42

Have just spent an hour with a friend mentally talking me 'off the ledge'.fought with d over her drinking a glass of water.h turned his back on me and said to d not to engage with me over it.told them all to get gone to Armageddon,was contemplating changing the locks before they all came home.
Friend said that d wants the fights and so to do what h is doing and completely disengage from it.if she stumbles,if she falls, then I need to let her.h also shouted that he had done his fair share of admissions(!!!!) so ok,I will let him continue with that.
Oh and middle d caught a rabbit and now I'm supposed to go round the neighbourhood finding its home.not bloody likely.i think I will get my paperwork in order and go back to work.had a gutsful of all of this.if d won't leave the house to do day programme,then I will have to.i feel mad and resentful about all of this ( just in case you can't tell).my h makes all these decisions,but I'm the one who has to do the work.
I have too many special needs kids and God has given me more than I can cope with.so I will look after myself,give myself a break from all the meetings and look into changing my sons school to one that can cope with him.my an daughter can really take the reigns of her illness now and her dad can gallop to the rescue.im done for now.for the next six months I will make a conscious effort to step back and sort myself out. End of the day I'm not willing to let my SELF,who I am be destroyed by this.
Good luck and God speed to all of you who are braver and stronger than me.__________________Sotired42

' I have too many special needs kids and God has given me more than I can cope with.'

I don't know what to say other than 'I hear you'. I only had one an d and that has been hard enough. You are an amazing person, no one person should have so many battles on their hands and I really feel for you.

I would be tempted to keep the rabbit for myself because I find furry creatures beneficial for my own sanity. Don't waste your energy looking for the owner. Just let the message make its way round in time. Give it an indoor cage and enjoy its furry comforting presence.

Would be my advice. I won't be upset if that sounds like a nightmare and you want to ignore it. Just want to say that I empathise. It's not easy. Keep thinking about what you have achieved already. And where you need to go from here. x__________________Believe you can and you're halfway there.Theodore Roosevelt.

I hear you Sotired. You are absolutely fed up with all of this and for your own sanity you just want a way out. I can understand that, despite my easier journey, I too just want to get out of this mess. It is hard to keep putting your whole life on hold, and maybe it is time for you to work out how to reclaim part of your life outside ED. And yes, you do need to take care of yourself, but don't for a moment think that you are less strong or less brave than anyone else, you've just been dealing with too much for too long. I think you do need a break, a chance to recharge your batteries somehow, and a chance to have some of your own needs met. So ask for help, let people know how it is for you. Most of all, hang in there.

Thank you for your support melstev and elena,
We seem to average one of these meltdown moments a week at present.listened to what my friend had to say, text both my h and my d, worked out a compromise with d.said I won't be on her case constantly about food and fluid if she will go to day programme three days a week.said its either that or a part time job as I cannot just have her sitting round the house,it's too much for me.so far she has said she will do three days this week but she has gone back on her word many times so I will just have to see if she does.
They all went out for the morning yesterday and today and then I took the kids for a swim at the pool so I must be feeling a bit calmer
Said to my h that we are keeping the rabbit unless he wants to go round the neighbourhood.he didn't so it looks like we are are at 3 kids,3 pets.dog,cat,rabbit.an abundance of furry animals at our house melstev!
It's really hard to take a break from ed world,there are always meetings and stressors and if it's not that,it's autism world.accepting this is hard to bear and as my dad is the only remaining family support I have it's a struggle.but I have organised a night out with friends and we have a party to go to next week I think.i am determined that nothing is allowed to swallow me whole.so between that and hopefully not doing any admissions to hospital for another few weeks at least I can focus on losing weight so I can get my hysterectomy.
I just wish I was a calmer person myself ,but am aware that at the moment with endo raging inside me it means I have extra hormones too.all I can do is my best eh?nice to have the first swim of the season today __________________Sotired42

Hi sotired, wasn't it a lovely day today. So glad to hear you took the kids swimming and bet it brought back memories of previous summers where you enjoyed being with all the kids...you can have that again but its not going to look like those old memories which is a really hard thing to accept when your life has been in turmoil for so long! I really admire your strength to say enough is enough and now I am going to think about me...I have not found the strength to do that and tend to just toss my toys out of the cot and threaten to move out to have the stress taken off my shoulders where it always feels it exclusively sits.. You are so right that sitting around waiting for things to miraculously change for the better just adds to our stress and I think you are setting a great example for your kids with your strength and resilience. I hope d does stick to her promise of 3 days per week as you so right, you would not be doing her any favours or yourself if she sat around moping all day watching tv. I hope your garden and the gym are getting plenty of your time. Enjoy the final day of the long weekend. Thinking of you and your family. Peach.__________________

D now 15yrs and well above target weight. Crossing everything we are now on the road to a full recovery.

Hi sotired, sorry that things are so bad for you but you have so much to contend with sometimes just reading your posts makes me feel I know I could not do all that so try not to be so hard on yourself. Sometimes we have to pick our battles and sometimes our children regardless of ed can take advice from one parent and go crazy if another says something. Does your d let ye supervise her eating could ye take this in turns and you get a complete break over weekends or evenings. I sometimes feel like leaving I think unless you are made of steel this has to be normal it just wears you down .Are the days she has her programme full days does she have meals there. Wishing you strength to keep going . __________________Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary.

I hope your d sticks to the commitment of attending the day program. We all lose the plot at times, but it can be a good thing to clear the air and get others to take some of the responsibility at times, and good for your d to realise that her behaviour negatively effects you and others in your family. I hope you have a successful week!

HI sotired, just catching up on your week. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. Your love for your children shines through everything you post. I don't really have much to say but I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you!__________________15yr old d. June 2014 stomach pain. Medical investigations until Feb 2015, referred to CAMHs dx food anxiety. Kept restricting and losing weight until July 2015, medically unstable. Began intensive re-feeding at home. Re-evaluated by psychiatrist, dx Autism Spectrum Disorder and Atypical AN. Found out it's actually Typical AN.IP from Oct 15, ng tube Nov. Re-started eating food July 2016. Discharged from IP August 2016 97% weight for height.

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