Sir David Attenborough is said to be ‘face-palming incessantly’ this morning after Britain reacted to his stirring words at the UN climate change summit by illuminating the nation with enough tacky Christmas lighting to shame the rapture, it has emerged.

Observers of seasonal change have blamed climate change for an early fall, as many people reported squirrels hoarding nuts, leaves turning brown and members of the Conservative party ruthlessly putting their own ambitions over party loyalty, the good of the country or even basic decency.

As a female trophy hunter drew the ire of the Internet by shooting a rare black giraffe and boasting about it on social media, right-wing news website Breitbart.com leapt to her defence and insisted that the victim was being aggressive and left the woman with no choice but to shoot.