YESTERDAY they all ganged up on me and complained to the boss that I was being too mean. Too mean... this from someone who makes 10 mistakes on EVERY file she opens up. This from someone who hides files in her office, so that when a client calls and yells at ME, I don't have answers, but she sure does. This from someone who jumped down my throat and said that I was causing her hives, just because I mentioned that the seller hadn't signed the contract. Okay, yep it's all my fault.

So when my boss sat me down to talk to me about this, I told him that I didn't appreciate all of my co-workers stabbing me in the back like that, and that this isn't all on me. Yet the boss says that I need to make it work. What???

So TODAY even though I am SICK and coughing and feverish, I went to work, because I told my boss that I think that I am acting in and protecting my best interests by coming to work so that people can't talk about me behind my back!

I ended up leaving work early today... and I think I just might come in late tomorrow. But I'll be damned if I'm eating lunch with any of these backstabbers again. I'm very particular about who I eat lunch with, and now that I know I can't trust any of them, I'll just leave them to their own nastiness, because sooner or later, they will start turning on each other. (In fact, they already do, except for our Queen Bee with the hives, who can do whatever she wants and not get in trouble...)

On the bright side, this is the kick in the butt that I needed. I can eat at my desk from now on, while I work, so I will spend my lunch hours walking.

Progress as of today: 58 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 12/20/2017:
Work ethic seems to be in short supply unfortunately and we are living in the times of everybody doing their own thing with no consequences....one thing is for sure, eventually other people figure out who the agitators are and then they get whats coming to them......people are jerks. Hang in there...she will get her due.

Some people just always get their way. They can be loud and backstab and nobody cares not even the boss. But don't fret and I know you are sick but try to take it less personally and more thinking it's just her personality - the backstabbeR. Do your work and try not to work extra and maybe double up on vitamin C and zinc which is what I will try tonight along with daytime cold medicine - I already had nighttime medicine at home - going to the pharmacy in my car Once I get home to pick up my regular unrelated Rx and cold medicine too :) I forgot what being sick feels like - the aches and pains - no exercise for me right now - was gonna go tomorrow but I may still be sick and it just makes me more sick whenever I try to exercise on low energy while sick :/ I am thinking you feel that way too..I hope not to be sick all winter . And wish the same for you!

Donkey on 12/23/2017:
I hope you are feeling better -- this is no fun.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/21/2017:
I agree with BCGG...although even if she gets her due, she may deserve even more than what the boss gives her. these people get away with things, not sure how....but they are in short supply and the rest of us must BEHAVE :-)

Donkey on 12/23/2017:
Right - I just have to focus on me and what I do or say. Most of my problems would not be here if I would just learn to SHUT UP.

Maria7 on 12/22/2017:
Hope you are having a good evening. Hope you're feeling better.

Donkey on 12/23/2017:
Thank you - things still aren't right, but I am feeling better.

I wanted to comment on a couple of comments or conversations that came up here on Diet Diaries that I've found helpful to me:

"How do I keep getting older and never get any smarter?" - This is the story of my life. It's like I'm trying to learn the same lessons over and over again -- losing weight, contentment with my body, happy with who I am and where I'm at , not saying really offensive things that get me into serious trouble -- and I mean serious. I guess I have to repeat until I actually change, but sometimes it's hard to change who you are -- or should I say, what I've become. It really bothers me when I say things that are really offensive. It's like, "Will I EVER learn? Just SHUT UP already!"

I'm grateful that I have people around me who handle these situations better than I do. They are a good influence on me. While I might not be able to actually change inwardly, I can "walk the walk" and follow their examples. My boss, my co-workers, my husband (only sometimes), my children (especially).

"Never get too far into your own head" - This is something I really need to watch. I know I overthink things, which sometimes can be a GOOD thing, like at work, to think things through, but sometimes it ends up being self-defeating by clogging the thought-processes towards a successful outcome. Again, I don't know if this is something I can change about myself. It would help, though, if I would relax more rather than reacting (too) quickly.

This week ahead: our houseguest arrives on Thursday, which will throw off my routine for 2 whole weeks. I haven't worked out the details yet, but my exercise routine is sure to be challenged.

Progress as of today: 58 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 12/17/2017:
You know Donkey....it's funny....I'm 68 and I feel the same way....my Dad passed away at 83...and a couple of weeks before, he was commenting on all of the things he wished that he had done..or at least felt that he should have done and a week before his death he made a comment in the hospital about a window company he thought made a poor window...when the roommates visitor stepped over and said that "HE" worked for that window company and they made very good quality windows....my Dad said..."I'm sorry...I said the wrong thing again"....I think at that point I realized that we are basically never done learning....we are going to fall down and as long as we get up each time...we will be ok. We aren't supposed to be perfect.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/17/2017:
yes, some of the Nutcracker score was a variation in Hip Hop style, but a lot of the music was actually also the same exact score. Mostly a recording. The also had a live violinist playing some music also in Hip Hop stlye at the beginning, before intermission, after intermission, and at the end. Their take on the score when a variation of the original in Hip Hop was very good and entertaining!

horn_of_plenty on 12/20/2017:
with the getting older and not smarter - YOU ARE getting smarter, but we continuously learn in life - so there's always somethign new to learn and new lessons to learn...so don't feel dumb, feel like a human being! it's natural. don't think of yourself as being different from everyone - we are all alike in this manner. continue to have confidence. you are NOT stupid. You ARE SMART!

Boss insisted I partake in the mini-bundt cake gift we received at yesterday's lunch, and before I could even THINK "no thank you", I had a little cake on my plate!

Had an entire foot-long Subway Reuben sandwich for dinner on Thursday. I've been wanting to try these forever, and since Mr. Donkey flaked out on dinnner prep, we had these instead. I was not quite hungry since I'd had a lot of raw vegetables in the afternoon at work, but the sandwich was SO GOOD, I ate it all.

Said Reuben sandwhich was very salty - delicious but not conducive to successful weigh-ins, LOL...

Had salty dinner on Tuesday with the husband. Both kids had work that night, so it was just us. Tuna melts, and then a side plate of bacon... Oh my...

So if you haven't noticed, I tend to eat a lot of salt. I've given up many vices (sugar, alcohol, carbs), so salt remains probably the last of the vices to tackle, which leads me to my next subject...

Starting to gravitate towards new goals for 2018. I didn't think I'd have any, to be honest.

Progress as of today: 58 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 12/16/2017:
Those subways are sooo good.....that is one place we do have within 15 minutes of us. I keep forgetting about them though...need to keep them in mind. Congrats on the weigh in...you are doing FANTASTIC!

In my quest for peace & reconciliation with the whole body/weight thing, it occurred to me this morning: what is weight exactly?

So I weighed in higher this week. Is that accurate? For example, when I came back from Thanksgiving with my family, I had gained 6 pounds. At next week's weigh-in, I had lost the 6 pounds. Is that possible that I lost that much substance (mass)?

If I drink 64 ounces of water and weigh myself, and the number is higher, have I really gained that weight? or is it just a temporary flux?

I'm not sure where I'm going with this right now... Maybe I need to weigh less often? (Might be easier said than done, LOL...)

Progress as of today: 57.5 lbs lost so far, only -7.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 12/10/2017:
Supposedly the best time to weigh in is when you first get up in the morning ( after using the bathroom).....after that we start holding water, eating breakfast, getting dressed etc.......weigh in undressed or wearing the same thing each time.....I know with me...anything can almost become an obsession...at least temporarily..a lot of people weigh in once a week..

horn_of_plenty on 12/11/2017:
at the restaurant on Saturday night i ordered this drink from the menu:

It was one of their mixed cocktails. It wasn't sweet, not too sweet, thankfully. But it wasn't tasty really. however, not being sweet is a good thing...i didn't drink it up fast ;)

but it wasn't too good....prob better off ordering beer...lower cal also probably than these mixed drinks...?

horn_of_plenty on 12/11/2017:
will write more for you later :) in regards to your entries i have yet to comment on (this one and the previous entry!)

horn_of_plenty on 12/11/2017:
There's tons of weight fluctuation based on the volume of the food you eat. When i stuff myself with vegetables one night, i'll weigh much more in the morning compared to if i ate something small like a dunkin donuts egg sandwich for dinner without much vegetables or volume. When i used to eat a protein bar for dinner, or recently those protein cookies, there's no volume and i'd weigh low the next morning.

weigh less if you think it's not worth it to weigh frequently due to fluctuations. i weigh no more than 1x a week (usually). now that i wrote it, i'll probably weigh myself everyday this week! lol. i will also comment on the below entry of yours later :)

horn_of_plenty on 12/11/2017:
i think you are thinking too much about food / weight...based on your last entry.

you look GREAT. i hope you don't want to now give up and gain the weight back.

you can still relax and celebrate with food...i do too!

but i'm tell you - all the veggies and the changes you made in your life look good on you. i don't see a reason to quit.

you can enjoy and relax on christmas, it's one day, but then you have to work on going back :)

the more weight training i do, the more i can also eat.

horn_of_plenty on 12/12/2017:
LASTLY, never get too much into your head...where you forget to be happy about things...and forget to be thankful for the good.

STAY HAPPY.

This is a reminder to myself as well :)

horn_of_plenty on 12/12/2017:
There is nothing good happening if we are to turn ourselves into "victims"....so, i'm working and being happy for now on....no matter what.

i've begun to realize that if i'm giving lots of commitments for my industry like a union meeting tonight, that i can also plan for myself commitments that i want (like signing up for the auxiliary police) on Thursday night...i am not giving up on my own happiness...i will continue to make my own unique life as long as i possibly can!

so don't forget yourself in all the mishmash...always remember that YOU ARE WORTH IT.

do not give up and stop maintaining your weight...keep on...do not dial back to what you were before, KEEP ON.

Gained a pound but still under 130 and way below goal so I'm fine with it.

I came to the realization yesterday that, even though I did meet my weight loss goal (and surpassed it a little), that the REAL problem is that I'm just not happy with my actual body. Unfortunately, that's NOT something that can change. I know weight training can change some proportions, but not in the way I want to look.

So here I am again, at 47, still struggling with being comfortable in my own skin.

In addition, I was watching some "Christmas in Switzerland" TV special this morning, and it made me realize that the way I eat -- lots of vegetables, minimal sugar, cutting carbs -- that really cuts into being able to relax and celebrate with food. And while vegetables are great and probably the way we should all eat more of, is that a realistic way to eat on a long-term basis?

I've lost the same 50 pounds at least 3 times, this is either the 3rd or 4th time. This time, I wanted it to be something that was sustainable and maintainable, realistic not sadistic, and for the most part, I've done that - although I admit that sometimes I feel like a slave to my Fitbit -- but here I am again.

Someone knock some sense into me - please!

Progress as of today: 57.5 lbs lost so far, only -7.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 12/09/2017:
Hi Donkey...thank you for your input into my rant of yesterday.........We apparently share the frustration of just not being happy with us. Is it that we never learned to love ourselves? Instead of concentrating on food and exercise...should we be looking at other things about ourselves that we come by naturally? We probably take our good points for granted as if we don't deserve to take credit for those. Instead we decide that we have to let society, magazines and celebrities tell us what we should be striving for...I have a fitbit...it's in the drawer...LOL..I thought because I bought it...it would magically make me thinner...like the DVD's and the diet books...well...it didn't work like that for me....The fact is...I'm a sedentary person, I love medical books, I love junk food and carbs and basically all junk food is carbs!!! Can we mold ourselves into something that someone else says we should be? Or should we love ourselves as we are so that we can just naturally improve on us? Will we be happy cramming ourselves into the mold society sets for us? If we are miserable and don't want to face a new day....then how is that good for us? I know I hit a wall yesterday...I was actually sitting back and watching myself beat myself up and rebel like a bratty kid....that was my wake up call......food isn't my problem, it is the symptom of my problem....I use it to beat myself up because I'm not happy with me....when I finally make me happy.....the rest will fall into place. Maybe it works like that for you too....

Donkey on 12/10/2017:
If weight-loss was something you could study for, I'd be a champ.

Can't really read or study for it -- weight loss is all action in order to see results. And my body just wasn't made for that, it seems. (Ask my feet, knees, hips, and back...)

bearcountrygg on 12/10/2017:
I hear you...all of the knowlege in the world doesn't fix it...doing it does....Darn it!

Sounds like your boss likes you – to be able to tell (him?) about your garage cleanup endeavor! It looked good in your fb pics, like a new garage! I bet you wish you had it this way from the start! Clutter is hard to get rid of, I bet you thought you wanted those things from the garage that you didn’t get rid of till now!?

When you feel like you felt in the first paragraph, you must try to find some time to relax for yourself. Easier said than done, maybe, but it’s important for your health mentally and physically. I was feeling that way last week when all of a sudden I was working OT everyday again.

Yes, sometimes when I eat high calories or fat or sugar, the body continues to crave it into the next day…And its usually better to gradually get back to where you were before the sugar, which it sounds like you are doing. Don’t regret it too much – I see you are getting back. KEEP ON!

happy-1 on 12/06/2017:
Hugs, I know the feeling. It usually makes me buy steak so I can pretend I am eating my enemies.

Donkey on 12/09/2017:
ROFL - this is too funny and TRUE -- I *must* try this!!!

Donkey on 12/09/2017:
ROFL - this is too funny and TRUE -- I *must* try this!!!

Quite pleased with today's weigh-in. After a couple of crazy weeks, things are becoming "regular" and returning to normal (sort of). My activity level dropped off a bit, but food intake was less due to the craziness and stress.

My husband's rehab at home is going to be more difficult than I had thought. He's not the best patient, and I have my own health problems lately. The nurse and the PT came to our house today, and I would agree with them that my husband is doing remarkably well.

This weekend is the last weekend of pleasant weather for our area, so I'm going to get out there and do some stuff in the garage in hopes that we can park all the cars in the garage this year.

Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

Donkey on 12/02/2017:
I achieved my goal of clearing out the third stall. All cars will be in the garage this winter!!! (And I cleaned the shelves in the garage, disposed of trash that we were keeping (for some reason, and I listed some large items we no longer use on Facebook Marketplace, e.g. winter sleds.)

Maria7 on 12/04/2017:
Sounds like you have been busy! Have a good day and congrats on your progress.

horn_of_plenty on 12/04/2017:
I am so glad to hear that at the moment they are pleased along with you too regarding your husband's progress :)

I am so happy to hear that everyone will be parking their cars inside and out of the path of mother nature! That's cool - i am so thankful for my own garage for those snowy days it's one less thing for you to have to deal with.

It was a really nice weekend, indeed.

Donkey on 12/04/2017:
Loving it right now, and my boss, who was constant encouragement of this endeavor, says I will be even more thankful later this week when it gets really c-o-l-d here in Chicagoland!

Not a weigh-in day, but I thought I'd check in as I wait for the minutes to tick by before leaving for the hospital. Husband is having double hip surgery today. TODAY. TODAY!!!

I didn't think I was very anxious about this until it hit me Sunday night. Then I realized, yes, I am kind of worried about this. I have no reason to think anything will go wrong, of course. Excellent surgeon. Hopefully the hospital will deliver good care -- I've heard things over the years, but perhaps things have changed. There are other hospitals I prefer, but the surgeon prefers this hospital. I hope he can come home tomorrow.

I feel that I am back on track, eating and exercising. I try really hard to take an evening walk around the neighborhood after dinner (around 30 minutes). I find it helpful for digestion, especially when one has overindulged with second helpings of chili (ooops).

Trying to keep everything together as I get over these hurdles one step at a time...

UPDATE: Mr. Donkey had a successful surgery, and I will visit him this evening. I'm anxious to see him but did not want to see him come out of anethesia, so I came home to get things in order at home (for the kids) and then I will go back to visit for a couple of hours tonight. I'm very grateful and relieved.

Progress as of today: 52.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

innerpeace on 11/29/2017:
Wow, prayers for a successful surgery for your DH. Double replacement - sounds daunting. My DH had a single knee replacement and was immobile for about a week. Good luck.

Donkey on 11/29/2017:
Thank you! I confess that I am worried that rehabilitation might take longer than usual, because of his compounding back & neck issues. I'm taking it one day at a time :-)

horn_of_plenty on 11/29/2017:
It sounds he is good hands. He will overcome the surgery. It's a common surgery, so remind yourself and hubby that the prognosis is good as long as he continues to follow doctors follow-up procedures / physical therapy.

Good luck to your hubby....best wishes to you both.

You sound good!

Donkey on 11/29/2017:
He had some complications, so everything has taken a little longer than expected. But he made it and that's the important thing. I fear we have a long road ahead of us though, but maybe not.

Horn_of_plenty on 11/29/2017:
I am glad to hear that he is alright after surgery...remember to take one day at a time.

Horn_of_plenty on 11/29/2017:
oh, and i'm proud of you for being by his side and helping your hubby today and everyday!

My husband made a very helpful observation this morning. When I mentioned the 4-pound gain, he said, "If you had been able to workout like you do, you wouldn't have had a problem." I thought about that, and he's right!

It's hard to step out of my comfort zone, but had I made it a point to be more active (e.g. walk around the block every hour or so) or use the elliptical crosstrainer, if I had stayed in a hotel, I'm *SURE* that things would have been different.

That got me thinking about things I could have done differently. I could have asked my mom to get me raw vegetables ahead of time. OR I could have gotten my own raw vegetables when she and I went to the grocery store on Tuesday, even.

So I'm more in control of my destiny than I am admitting to myself.

Side notes: I'm afraid kitty isn't long for the world. She is having problems with eating & drinking now. So we are all doing our best to make sure she is as comfortable as possible. Also, while I was in Vegas, found out that my husband needs a walker with front wheels (ONLY) for after surgery. Oh my... I'm so grateful that I found a nice lady on Facebook that was giving one away -- for FREE. What a relief!

Progress as of today: 52.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 11/26/2017:
Sounds like you guys figured things out.....and how lucky that you and the lady with the walker found each other....Karma at work there I think....and your poor kitty...I'm sad for all of you...I kind of figured that may be the problem...since you mentioned facebook...I would love to connect with you there.

horn_of_plenty on 11/28/2017:
But also, part of a vacation is exactly what happened on yours: a break from routine (either wanted or no, it's usually a full or semi-break from routine).

Do not regret or wish you had done anything different, because, you are back here now. Now is time to make all the opportunistic and positive choices that you can or want to.

Also, you've learned from this Vegas vacation - and perhaps on next vacation you'll plan to have more veggies somehow - like by shopping one time when you go there.

Either way, that vacation has passed, and once again I mean it when i say you looked beautiful with glowing skin in your pictures. Just Beautiful. So, focus on the "NOW" and your goals now, and let the vacation rest :)

horn_of_plenty on 11/28/2017:
I mean actually, let the CHOICES on the vacation you made rest, you can still be happy about the vacation! :)

Back from visiting family from Vegas.... My weigh-in this week is a disaster. Up 4 pounds.

My brother's family eats NO vegetables. It's ALL carbs. Might be lucky to find some protein in there. Oh. My. Goodness. I love them to pieces, but if I had to live with them, I'd be huge. And what just KILLS me is that all of them are very thin and tiny. I just don't get it. I had dinner with just my folks a couple of times, which was easier, because Mom fixed some frozen vegetables for me, but she cooks with no salt. Yuck. And while I did try to remain active, it was obvious to me that I did not reach my normal levels of achievement.

I'm glad I left my Fitbit at home. Maybe it would have been helpful to see the lack of steps I was taking, to get my butt up and moving.... but my fear was that it would be frustratring for me to see goals unmet.

It was nice to see everyone though. And my poor step-father... as good as he looked, and as well as he did, he is at the end of his life. When we said our good-byes on Thursday, it was kind of crazy because it was Thanksgiving and my brother's 5 kids were there making a bunch of noise. So I felt kind of bad that I didn't say good-bye like I wanted to, but looking back, I think my good-bye on Wednesday, when it was just him and my mom and myself, was a better good-bye.

So now I am back home, returning to the stress that is my life. Some but not much was cleaned or cleared. My husband has hip surgery this week and, surprise, we need to find him a walker that has wheels. I'm going over to Goodwill to see if there is anything cheap. Otherwise, I'll be ordering one online for $30, which isn't too bad. I've seen many on Facebook Marketplace going for $75, $80 --- what the heck? It does not help that we only have my salary coming in now, and this month, we have to pay our own insurance premium. All I see is money going out and not much coming in. And so much needs to be done to the house... And I'm getting little to no help on that from anyone.

I'm just done.

PS The cat is still not using her litter box. And now she's spitting up all over the place.

Progress as of today: 52.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 11/25/2017:
Take a breather before you have to go back to work and carve some time in for relaxing during this weekend !

Welcome home you were missed here !

Aim to counteract your recent weight gains by doing what you did to loose. If I were in your boat, I'd make a goal to get back to whatever weight you were by January or February If needed :-)

Instead of looking at the negative, try to challengr yourself now to get back on track and be your best JDonkey!!!

bearcountrygg on 11/25/2017:
That is a lot of stress to carry around with you. To begin with I'm sure your step father got the message from you during your time with them and I;m sure he was happy that you came to visit. You have a rough week coming up too now so please just try to let things happen as they will until your husband is home....the house can wait. I'll be thinking of you as you go through the next few days...and hope that your husband heals well and quickly.......don't sweat the 4 pounds...I have a feeling that you will be working those off in the near future....Stay strong Donkey.

Donkey on 11/26/2017:
Thank you for helping me put things into perspective, priority-wise. I may need you to do this again for me in the future :-)

A lot of times, I lose my objectivity when overwhelmed (which seems to be happening a lot these days), which then leads to crabbiness. I did get some stuff done this weekend, in spite of it all...

Horn_of_plenty on 11/26/2017:
your fb photos look AMAZING, YOU in particular look beautiful! everything you have been doing - paid off exponentially bc you look terrific and beautiful! def never stop!

Donkey on 11/26/2017:
Thank you! Now that I'm back in familiar surroundings, I'm confident those 4 pounds will go away soon enough. And if not, hello 2018 goal, LOL...

Horn_of_plenty on 11/26/2017:
i agree with all BCGG said....especially STAY STRONG. you have to! there's really no other good option than that other than letting life take you down...and from experience, it's really not worth going that way.