Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Facing My Fears

I have always been afraid.

I have always been terrified on braving new sights, unusual taste, marking my territory and defeated by change.

But now, I hope to see it all as a challenge. A test for me to be patient enough to myself. I have to brave things alone because that's how its supposed to be from now on. I have to take care of myself, pay the bills myself, navigate to my destination myself. And I have got to love me first.

Jayem told me last night that I could only get to my destination if I allow myself to be surrounded by friends and family. Do things I wanna do that I cannot do before I was with the person I loved for three years. Yes, the three years have been magical but the honeymoon stage has ended. I never thought it was, but then again, it was bound to end eventually.

I loved him to the very last fiber of my being. So its only fitting to say goodbye in the best way possible. But again, he didnt do the usual goodbye. He became a coward breaking up thru messages that I could only play over and over in my head. The worst part is? Even in the end, it was never meant to be easy.

Our relationship has been flighty. Were not the usual hide and seek couple that I always have. I didnt have to lie to my parents if we were seeing each other. It took time though, to tell them that were together, but I always knew they'd welcome him with open arms because he is their godson. I never had doubts about that. Everytime we go out, they all feel safe because Im with him. They always know that he's rescue me from all the bad guys in this world because they trusted him to be with their only daughter.

We never knew what will happen. We never knew that he would go astray. We never really knew.

I had faith in him. Faith that he wouldnt break their trust to him. Faith that when he said forever and ever, he meant the exact words.

Today, I cannot wallow in my pain anymore. There's a usual tear in my eye here and there, but I cannot cry anymore. My pain has gone so far that I cannot fathom to do waterworks because I have to face my life and fears from now on. Maybe alone, or maybe with some other guy, but I know I have to do this. I have all the friends in the world to prove that they will support me. As quoted by Mench "Gurl, naumpog ka na eh, nawalan ka na ng helmet, youre stronger than that. You will move on because you wanted to and maybe someone will love you as he sees your true worth".

And by faith, I know I'll be happy again. Because I'm better now. Sadly, when I got better, it wouldnt be with someone na pinilit kong magpaka-better. The new person I will love will get the best of Ria. With no strings, and no confusions in her mind. Well, good for that person. hehe.