Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another edition of now we're talking with me. Tra'Renee on Radio WD and I wanted to tell you a little something about something fabulous going on. Before we get started it's the now we're talking listen and win sweepstakes. All right, so it's in the January 1st issue on sale now in Women's Day Magazine. It's a sweepstakes for very fabulous trip to Miraval, Arizona Resort and Spa. So if you wanna enter to win a trip for two it's an absolutely fabulous trip if you can't tell I'm giving you the word of the day. It's fabulous. The word of the day is fabulous. So be sure to visit womensday.com/diary; that's womensday.com/diary and enter to win well after you listen to the show then you enter to win. The word of the day once again is fabulous and this is for the Now We're Talking Listen And Win sweepstakes where you all have to do is listen to me Tra'Renee on our show Now We're Talking, listen for the word of the day and today's word is fabulous. So enter to win a trip for two to Miraval, Arizona Resort and Spa. It's an easy word to remember right because it's a fabulous trip. You're fabulous easy to remember, womensday.com/diary and enter to win. The word is fabulous and you can check it out in Women's Day Magazine, the issue are sale right now, alright So let's get in to it. I'm really interested in today's topic because I am a mother of two small children. I have two baby girls and I always call them baby girl even when they're adults. I can't help myself. But Bobby is my oldest and she is five and Madison is my youngest and she is two going on three but that's a whole lot of conversation. And I may get a lot of flex for this but I really love-- I'm really into movies and I really like watching TV and so of course that has been sort of passed on to my girls. And they enjoy watching you know all of the PVS type shows, and Sesame Street and the like and I enjoy watching it with them and kinda going over you know learning different things and I enjoy it. I have also enjoyed all of these lovely movies that come out and that are really gear toward children this animated features and I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing the right thing because I wonder if some of these themes in the movie that are gear toward children and or at least market it toward children or maybe a little too grown up because my five year old has just seemingly become obsessed with kissing and finding her you know mister right at the age of five like you know someone gonna come along on a horse and give her a kiss and all was gonna be well with the world and he's even none so far to make sure that my husband she sees that my husband and I kiss each other on the lips, mommy on the lips every morning and you know we greet to each other that way. Anyway, but I mean I never thought that it would be a focus for my five year old. And by the way she just turned five this week so she's not even all the way good in the five yet just making it and this has been a theme that's been going on for about a year now and recently we always had a dinner, some mothers after work I met up with them and we brought our kids and I turned and my daughter was trying to kiss the other little boy on the lips but she knew she was doing something that I wasn't gonna be happy about because she was trying to sneak it, you know, wasn't like one of those cute little kids is that you know little two year old does mimicking something. you know maybe something they see mommy and daddy kiss, no big deal. No, no, no oh no missing knew what she's doing and she also knew that it wasn't gonna be something that I would be happy about for she waited until my back was turned and then realize that I was gonna turn around and say something to her and there she was all puckered up and trying to get this little boy space and he was looking at her like ewe get away from me. Then I thought to myself oh, is this all my fault? So today show I have a lovely expert on the line who I'm gonna have you know am I doing the right thing here? Her name is Nancy Carlsson Paige. She is a professor of Early Childhood Education at Lesley University. She's written and spoken extensively about the impact that the media has on our children lives and their social development and how children learn based on these things and she is an author, co-author of numerous books and articles and her most recent book is called Taking Back Childhood, Approving World Map for Raising Confident, Creative and Compassionate Kids. She's definitely an advocate for policies and practices that promote children's well being. So I am really happy to have her on the show today. We may disagree on some things she may tell me up doing something's wrong but that's okay 'cause that you know we're here to learn and uplift each other through this process called motherhood and so at this time I would love to welcome Nancy to the show. Hi, Nancy.

Hi, Trace. It's nice to be here. It was really fun to listen to your story about Bobby.

Oh my goodness. Nancy. What am I gonna do? I mean first of all I guess I said just come right out and ask you, I mean you know the story, you know my girls ages

Yeah.

is it appropriate for me to allow them to watch some of these animated features that are marketed to our children.

Yeah.

Well, are these features that are like movies for children? Well yeah you know it's not the one that are PG13 or maybe they like came out before the PG13 rating was implemented 'cause some of these movies are really old, classics.

Okay.

That you know that are clearly marketed for children and you know my girls love, they do they really love to watch and sing the song and you know. What's their favorite movie? Do they have-- What's the movie that they love? Well. Let's just say they're timeless classics.

Uh-huh.

Where there's a princess typically and a prince typically. Yeah. And the themes are pretty much almost always the same you know.

Yeah.

Let's say you know they find the prince or the prince find them and then they you know kiss and all is well with the world. Right?

Yeah. So now my daughter is stuck on this like you know one day I'm gonna find my you know-- my prince is gonna come and I'm gonna kiss him and she even go so far as to say I wanna see your wedding DVD when you wear the white dress and daddy kisses you. At first, I thought it was cute, Nancy, right? So I'm like oh that's so special but now you know I'm getting report from preschool that, you know, Bobby tried to kiss you know Lucas under the table and I'm like what?

Yeah.

Wait a minute. Now so I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing the wrong thing or if I fail back or what can I do or it's all natural and normal, you know.

Yeah.

Help please.

Right. Well, it's a complex topic and it's not that you're not doing anything wrong you know the-- All of the influences from the culture have become much stronger in children's life because there are so much media they see. A lot of the media then is reproduce in products that show the same images you know aerial night gowns and toothbrushes and lunch boxes and games and there are and toys and so there are-- Children are constantly reminded of the same themes over and over and over again. So in general, there's less rooms for children today to invent the real ideas to use their own imagination to make up their own stories

Uh-huh.

and I see that as a problem and many educators do because the healthy thing about early childhood years is that children can play out themes that are coming from their own experience and their own needs, their own feelings and fears rather than getting too directed by the themes that they see in the media or you know in the child's culture, in the media culture. So really the main-- To me it doesn't just that she hooked down on this one theme. It said, what is this replacing that might need to come out of her in healthy play that really supports her healthy development. So that's one thing. So I would say in general you know you can't avoid the culture you live in it, you love movies, you wanna share them with your daughters, you know I hear that but you might think about okay are there movies we can watch where there's a female who represents different kind of a life, a style, a different image of what a girl is and what a girl can do because it's limiting. We have to think today called age compression where there are people noticing that the themes of older kids are getting pushed down into their earlier years because of the influence of media culture. So we see little girls more preoccupied with teenage themes or kissing themes or dating themes than little girls are generation ago because they see it more. You know when Bobby is trying to kiss kids, it makes total sense because the way children try to make sense of what they have been exposed to is to try it out and practice it and try to understand it by acting it out themselves so she's not doing anything wrong. She's doing what a normal kid would do to try to make sense of what she seen. She doesn't understand love and romance or understand what kissing is. It's that young children make sense of the world by what they can see on the surface. They don't understand the deep layers of the relationship that you and your husband have and that you know more complex relationships involve. They-- that's why she likes the wedding dress and she likes kissing you know because those are the things that she's seeing. That's reality to her. Children don't think the way you and I do. They make sense of the world very differently. So she is not understanding what's behind those things. It's those very things that tell her what reality is.

Okay.

And so I mean with the first things that comes into my mind is you know how much you know how much that she's seeing the same theme. In the media she sees and then maybe some of the toys she has and other things that are in her life and is there a way. What we don't wanna do is get let other girls or boys develop in the early years a narrow image of what the possibilities are for their lives for who they are. Right? Is that make sense?

Uh-huh. no, absolutely.

Yeah. We don't want her to think life is all about a white wedding dress and finding mister right because you know we want her to reach her full potential. Maybe she's an artist, maybe she's a writer. Maybe she's you know an anthropologist. I don't know what her life will unfold for her, but we don't want her choices to be limited in ever in her own mind about what her the possibilities are for her. So if you can find you know media, stories that present girls in books and in movies that are doing more less stereotypic behaviors. It's gonna be to the benefit of Bobby and Madison to see those images especially when they're young.

Okay. Now that may tell us, so it sounds like you can. It's okay maybe to allow them to see some of these things, but as long as there a balance. Yeah. Maybe. Of what which we're exposing them to the media or books and stuff. Don't get me wrong. I mean it's not what they're watching these movies everyday or

Uh-huh.

you know we definitely read to them more than they watch you know television or movies but you know I'd be lying if I said that you know, I didn't copy the movie sometimes I watch the whole. I've always watch at least everything they've seen with them and then sometimes you know it's those moments when you're like leaning to you know go to the bathroom, I need to clean this room and I know them you know in here so I'm gonna put this movie in this room and that'll give me an hour-- you know what I mean

Uh-huh.

and I can do what I have to do. You know I'd be lying I'm not perfect but I do you know sometimes you do things so that you can have a moment to take care of others.

Yeah. I don't know what parents I mean most parents do. You know and use the media you know I have the sense you have a sort of feeling that you might be doing things wrong as a parent, and I think a lot of parents feel that way and let go of that because you're at your I mean I'm sure you're wonderful parent and there's a whole sea of things to think about when you're a parent and it's quite a bit overwhelming, and you're working and you know you're doing your best. And you know it's not that you can do things really wrong. I was feeling like the more we know as parents you know the more that we kinda understand about how children develop and what they need and what's best for them, you know we can kind of try to you know make their lives fuller for them but at the same time we don't need to be blaming ourselves the feeling like we're doing anything wrong.

Well you know that I-- You can say that and we can say to ourselves right as mother were like. Oh, you know-- our brain feel that way, but in our hearts are like when you see something either that you go approved of or something you like where did you get that, you know, am I going something. It automatically no matter what I don't care how many times I say it to myself. I say it on this show I'm trying to live it everyday but there are times of course when actually my first instinct of like what am I doing? What am I doing? What am I not doing? And then you're right then we have to go you know wait a minute. Just you know as every child individual first of all.

Yeah. And then there are some things in process of course I mean otherwise what would you be teaching. You have-- You teach early childhood education that are definitely from common themes that children go through.

Yeah.

And it's good to know these things because then you can kinda I don't wanna say let yourself off the hook as mothers or parents. But again like you said knowledge is key and knowledge is freedom and if you the more knowledge that you have about child development if you have children, the more you'll able to maybe understand some of the things that you see and not be so frustrated and just wanna blame yourself sometimes and some kind of--

Yeah. Exactly--

Doesn't feel the way right too.

You know one of the things I know from you know the research I do is that there's an enormous lack of understanding about child's development you know in the culture and among adults and I find personally that it's a most helpful bunch of knowledge out there to guide me as a parent and now I'm a grandparent because it helps me see the world from the eyes of children. And when I can do that it helps me make decisions about what's good for them because I understand how they're understanding things

Uh-huh.

and it's really does a lot of frustration and it said it helps to take that blame feeling off yourself. Because the thing about that it is here, I don't think that you're helping-- you're not helping yourself or the kids if you're thinking I'm doing this wrong. I'm not a good parent you know what I mean.

Right.

But another thing that helps me a lot is to talk openly about how I feel with my grand kids. I remember my grandson, Jack, got obsessed with power rangers at one point.

Okay.

And he said to me, we're riding to a car and it click in. He clicked in and he suddenly told me nanny has become-- Nanny. He is like 3-1/2 or 4. Is there a Power Rangers of video. You know suddenly he's off like hey wait a minute 'cause he has the toy and he wanted to see it and those videos, those power rangers shows to have an acts of violence in them. They have couple of acts of violence an hour. It's more violence than I wanted Jack to see but he had the toy and he loved to play with it.

Sure.

And I said to him you know, Jack, there is 'cause I am always honest with kids, but I said Jack there is a video but I don't feel comfortable showing it to you because they're so much violence and there's so much shooting and bombs going off and swords I just don't feel comfortable and he said okay. And I've had this experience with my own kids who are grown and my grand kids is when I talk to them about hesitations I have about things that I might exposed them to.

Uh-huh.

They listen. They listen like with interest and respect and love. This is the amazing thing. And so even when you're watching a show that and you suddenly have a hesitation let's say you're seeing something on a movie that you plugged in or something or even you walk in the room because you're cleaning in the other room and you see something and that's bothering you, you can either-- you could talk about it then or you could wait and you can say you know I saw something in that, did you notice this. I saw this happened in the movie and it's kind bothering me now. I don't feel very good that you saw that or you might say, what do you think of that? Tell me about what you saw. And try to talk about have a dialogue of what you saw because actually that's more important than the fact that they saw it. Research backs this up.

Wow, that is so powerful.

Yes and research backs this up that when you talk to children about the media they've seen that it has a powerful effect on how on the effect that it has on them and how they interpret of what they've seen which is why--

I love that, Nancy.

Yeah. That is like you know I'm having one of those moments like yeah.

Yeah.

I get that. I totally get that because that it helps you know. It helps them processed

Uh-huh.

whatever it is and then you can also kinda instill your own-- you know, your family values. You want something and then I mean it's like that I love that tip. That is really-- Wow, I'm really happy. I got goose bumps 'cause I feel like that's something I can do right now. You know like when you're talking I feel like that's something that I can handle right now you know talking with my girls about whatever it is that they're seeing and getting them to understand that this is you know this is something that we don't feel is okay or we feel it's okay or and actually like you said finding out how they feel about it before you even go into it because they might always have a strong opinion. What you don't want to do is too be heavy on the judgment and here's why. Let's take Bobby. She's loves the kissing.

Right? She's loving it. She's loving the white wedding gown. You don't wanna come hard on her and tell her that's not okay or if it's my grandson, Jack who is into the Power Rangers big time. I don't wanna tell Jackson that's not good because I don't wanna put a wedge between him and me. I wanna stay close. I wanna keep our relationship open and keep that dialogue going and build the trust and love that we have. So I don't wanna heavily judge what he likes or you wouldn't want heavily judge of what Bobby likes but at the same time you can honor what their interest are like I can say to him, I know you love power rangers and tell me what you love about them. And I can listen honestly to him and he's still always tell me like I love their costumes, I love their weapons and I would you know honestly say well you say you tell me more about what you like about the costumes and we would talk like that and then I would have a chance to talk to and I would say you know it bothers me when they're fighting all the time, you know, it just-- it worries me that they show you many pictures of fighting then we would talk like that and I think you can have conversations that help children think in a more critical way which is extremely helpful to their cognitive development about media they're looking at. Feel accepted by you and at the same time a little bit more questioning of the things they're looking at.

Wow. Well that is-- I am-- I love that. I think that is one of the easiest things that we can do that I think parents are sometimes afraid to do. Just actually sit there and have a conversation because I think it's too deep you know. We can have always tell to shut it off or I'll just tell him don't do that. You can't do that and that should be sufficient but actually having a conversation, communicating with your little ones,

Uh-huh. can go a long way longer like you said even more important that what they've actually seen is the discussion behind what they've seen.

And if you can focus on two of the skills that we talked about and then I wrote about and taking the childhood that come from a comfort resolution which is the zeal of solution that where I have done lot of my work are called active listening and I statement since what you and I are talking about right now. Active listening is a way of really of open heart and listening to what your child wants to tell you and just rephrasing back what you hear like if Bobby says you know I just love to put on the white wedding gown and they're getting married and you really genuinely want to listen to her and say so you just love it when they're getting married and that's a part you like you know rephrasing of what she said then and trying your best to fully accept her for what she likes but at the same time you can use I statements, which try you to get off the judging thing and I am more like you know I want you to have, I want you to know with that girls can do a lot of other things too.

Uh-huh.

So I wanna show you this because this is gonna show your girls who you know who save whales or are you know and you can just tell her straight out you know what your values are and what you're hoping for her and if you do it in that way with I statement you know I don't want you to just think girls are princesses. I know you love princesses but I want you to see other things too. You can have a real genuine ongoing dialogue that's gonna continue for her whole life.

Wow.

The other thing is that in these times because media culture and marketing kids have become more fierce because marketing to children is just escalated to a staggering level in just recent years. And there's often more distance between adults and kids than what we would want because kids get marketing messages things they wanna buy. They're nagging their parents for it. A lot of media depicts adults in a negative way with a lot of talk back coming from kids. There's a lot of violence in the media that promotes antisocial thinking and there's a lot of sexualization of girls coming too young. These messages are all-- They're harmful to children's healthy development and also to relationships. Good healthy relationships between parents and kids. So when you do sort of look at media together when you're kind of are on the same side looking at it when you have a dialogues with kids. These are things that are gonna help your relationships stay close and stay open and trusting, which is something that children really need today and you're also showing them you know what relationships are about. You're not telling them. You're actually being in a relationship that's open and communicate tip which is teaching a lot.

And they do actually to pick up on it. You know Nancy you have really, I mean I thought we were gonna be getting into a battle. But you--

Why did you think that?

I don't know. I feel like I was doing so many things wrong

Uh-huh.

and you know but you've actually you know, but you've actually-- You added some more to the show that I even thought. I mean I know you would be you know, a great guest to speak to this topic but the tip about-- The communication seems is so simple but it's something that I think a lot of parents and mothers struggle with because you know you wonder if I see your child having a conversation they don't understand what I'm telling so I'm just gonna tell them what to doing and that's it. But having a conversation about some of the things that they have been exposed to or have seen or are doing is far more powerful. You know in a lot of ways I mean not just to try I mean you know we can make it easy well this is the time how we can do they wanted to do what I want them to do but it's way more than that. It's about everything that you were saying. Establishing a good rapport in a relationship, a communicative relationship with your children. That is long lasting way beyond this early childhood years starting a foundation.

Uh-huh.

And it's--I'm really happy that you were on the show this morning and you know that you were able to give such insight 'cause I really you know sometimes I'm doing the show and I think I know what to expect and I always get surprised. Perfectly though.

Uh-huh.

So Nancy I'm really happy that you have time out of your busy schedule. I know that you are I mean that you know. You're teaching and you write books and articles and you're advocate for children which is I mean lovely. We need more people like you out there on the front line fighting for our children for things seen and unseen you know obvious and not so obvious. And I appreciate you.

Well, thank you so much for saying that. You know one of the parents that I interviewed, a mother for my book told me that her ten year old daughter wanted to go see the movie Mean Girls and she didn't want her to go, the mom, but instead of prohibiting her on going 'cause her friends were going, she said to her; Okay, Thalia if you go you know to see Mean Girls I want you to have some questions in mind. Okay. Let's figure out some questions like who are the Mean Girls. Why are they mean? How do they treat other people? Would you be one of their friend and they made up a bunch of questions kind of open-ended questions like that and Thalia went to the movie and she came home. She told her mom all about it. They went through the question and had this wonderful conversation. And I thought it was a great example of instead of like forbidding her to see it, she used it as an opportunity to talk about you know about and to help Thalia think about who Thalia is and if she what she thinks about this movie and whether she wants to be with these girls and like that.

Right. Like developing her own social self, her self awareness.

Yeah.

I love it. Nancy, I love it. And I just something like I said it's really simple that I never really thought to do it that way. I was thinking more of like a directive rule you know do this, don't do that and rather I would definitely use that tip to discuss even though you know our children are only two and five and however old you know the listener your children are.

Uh-huh.

But I mean if they, you know, can have I mean you can have conversations, meaningful conversations. I love it, Nancy. Thank you so much.

Okay. Well that's great talking with you. I'm glad that you feel thoughtful and I hope it is who anybody else who tuned in to our conversation. Absolutely, and remember to pickup Nancy's most recent book, it's Nancy Carlsson-Paige Taking Back Childhood Approving World Map for Raising Confident, Creative, Compassionate Kids. Thank you so much and hopefully we'll talk again soon.

Thank you, Tra. It was a wonderful conversation. Thanks

All right.

Have a good day.

You too and everybody, thank you so much for tuning in today. I do love and appreciate you for it. God willing, we will be back together real soon until then. Make sure you do what you can to live well everyday and uplift another woman today. All right. Now Talking with Tra'Renee signing out. See you.

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