Jerry Hayes

The words of wisdom of loopy Loathesome who is destroying political satire

3 Sep 2016 at 09:54

I am not for the first time a little confused. The press are obsessed with squabbling Brexiteers Johnson, Davis and Fox which is all rather dull and predictable. Why should anyone get worked up about civil servants finding space for Mr Davis’s department in Penge? What is all this fuss about Mr.Fox’s office being in a disused foreign office coal bunker used to store French cheese? And want a splendid piece of diplomacy of Bozo to send the President of Turkey a copy of his book on Churchill bound in goatskin. Of course this is just a load of bollocks that I have made up, but in these comedic political times it is entirely believable. Come on hacks this is still the silly season. And none is more sillier that Defra secretary Andrea Loathesome. For the last hour (I’m bored) I have been searching the internet for her words of wisdom. Wow!!! You couldn’t make this stuff up. It is beyond parody. So let us begin our treat with a little trip down Loathesomeorabilia Lane. And I promise you all of it is true.

At the Guardian Brexit debate in May Miss L gave us a forensic insight into how British farming should be managed.
“It would make much more sense if those with the big fields do the sheep and those with the hill farms do the butterflies. That would make much more sense for the UK and it’s perfectly possible but only if we leave the EU and sort it out for ourselves.”
Poor old fell shepherds and their Herdwick flocks. Looks as if you’ll be relocated to some big fields near Basildon. Anyhow, farmers will be delighted that in her blog on the 28th February 2007 her informed view was, “subsidies must be a abolished.” Phew, bloody good job she is not in charge of farming then.

But the thoughts of Chairman L are not confined to farming. Oh, no. On the 27 October 2015 after David Cameron had had the genius idea of making her an energy minister, her address to the All Party Group on gas and oil was reported in that page turner of a magazine Drill and Drop.
“When I first came to my job one of my two questions was, ’ is climate change real?’ And the other question was is hydraulic fracturing safe?’ I am now completely persuaded.”
This clearly caused panic in the press office who came to her rescue.
“She was making the point that climate skepticism ( depressingly this is their spelling) still exists and that it is important to understand the facts.” Quite so.

And I wouldn’t have thought that she would be invited over for tea by David Davis too often after her revelation in 2006,
“The child of a single parent family is 70% more likely (than the child of a two parent family) to have problems at school and even be a drug addict or a criminal”

But her latest gift to us is that she is very keen ‘to un ban fox hunting…..out of concern for animal welfare.’ Those foxes will be deeply grateful to be ripped to pieces accompanied to the entitled braying of the monied classes. Never mind farming, this bloody woman is destroying satire. I can’t wait for the farming debate at party conference. The splendid Patrick Kidd will have a field day.