help coping.

Rose - posted on 04/13/2010
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15 moms have responded
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I'm 19 years old and I feel like I'm drowning.On April 7th, 2010 I lost my second baby. I miscarried Everitt at 24 weeks just a year and a day after his sister, Aiden who I miscarried April 6th, 2009 at 18 weeks..I really need help coping with it. I know it hasn't been long, but I feel empty and at fault.So my question is, how did you do it? How did you cope with the loss of your children? And how did you get back to your life without him/her?

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Paula - posted on 05/02/2010

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I had my first child (a little girl) in august 2005, then i lost my 2nd baby in June 2008 at 10 weeks pregnant. Then in December 2008 i lost my 3rd baby at 7 weeks pregnant. Then in July 2009 my little girl was born sleeping at 23 weeks and 6 days, and i have recently lost my 5th baby in January 2010, it stopped growing at 5 weeks and 6 days. It was very hard, losing all my babies but it was a lot worse when i had to go through a 9 hour labour with my daughter who was stillborn, its been 10 months since i lost her and i still struggle but my daughter who is nearly 5 keeps me strong. Im so sorry for your losses xx

Crazy??? No Rose, you are a grieving mother!!! I too felt guilty, stopped eating and was losing weight so rapidly my therapist was weighing me 3x a week. I put rocks in my pocket so she made me undress. :-/. When I tell u I spiraled low, I mean LOW. I hit the bottom of that bottomless pit and then fell some more. But in telling u this, I can also tell u that today I smile, I laugh, I love, I know joy beyond words. When my grief counselor told me I'd feel this way one day I thought she was crazy. Keep looking into the grief centers. Mine is a non profit so services are free. If u do a group u don't have to talk unless u want to. I didn't for a few months. I just listened. I'm going to give u their #, call them and maybe they can direct u to a place in your area. It's called KARA 650-321-5272.

Thank you very much Tasauna, I wrote down that number.. I will have to call when I work up the courage.. I am sorry you sunk so low; I feel like I'm on the same path, I just hope I don't have to sink that low too.. I feel like going to work will help but also hinder my emotional recovery.. I know that it will help get my mind on other things, but I work with the public and my regular customers love me, so I know I'm going to get all kinds of sad looks and "I'm Sorry"s.. I'm glad they care, but I know it will just make me cry.. :-\

I'm so sorry, Melanie.. No woman should ever have to go through this 5 times, I don't know how you did it, you're an amazing woman! lol It is reassuring to know that I'm young and that we can try again, but at the same time I feel like my biological clock is ticking because I'm too scared to try again.. The way it was described to me, I have one chance left to have a baby, and if I have a baby than that's fine, maybe i can have more, but if something goes fatally wrong again than I will be one of those women who can't have any children..

Belinda, I am sorry to hear about your loss, but I am very happy you were also able to have successful pregnancies, it helps give me hope for myself.. Last year I didn't feel sad around the time my daughter's due date, for some reason I just didn't care about when she was "supposed" to be born.. Maybe because before she was born the day didn't hold any value to me, so when she was born on a different day, mourning a day of no value felt meaningless.. But then the 6th of this year I had a very tough day, that was the day I lost her of last year.. and then unfortunately on the 7th I lost my son..

So April is my least favorite month of the year, and I honestly think that next time I want to get pregnant, I'm going to plan it so that I'm either not going to be pregnant during the month of April or my due date is going to be in April.. Then maybe April won't be such a bad time..

I am so sorry for your loss. I have had 5 miscarriages in total and each time was different. It will take a while for the feelings of guilt to go as you always feel it's your fault even when it isn't. Give yourself time to grieve your young and have your whole life ahead of you. Might not be what you want to hear (i know i didn't) but it is true. No-one understands your pain other than someone who has been there themselves. It's not your fault things just sometimes happen and we never know why. Life goes on without you just make sure you grieve and when you are ready you will pick up the pieces and move on with your life. I wish you the best of luck xx

Rosa I'm sorry for your loss. Its been 9 years since I lost my son at 17 weeks. I still have my up and down days, more down days around the time he would have been born. But now I'm a mom of two little girls and I can't wait to show them the pictures and baby book I have for there brother. Just remember whenever you feel down or sad talk about it. It really helps, if you need to talk I'm here listen.

thank you.. i have been looking for grief counseling, but I don't have insurance anymore, so there's not really anything out there for me.. there are support groups, but I'm too shy and feel too ashamed to talk in front of a group of people.. I know they won't judge me, but I can't help it, I've always been that way. I just don't know where to go from here. I haven't gone back to work yet because I'm afraid to.. I know everyone is going to look at me with sad eyes and I can't handle that.. I don't really leave the house unless I have to.. and I don't really eat that much because it makes me feel guilty.. did you have any of those problems? or am I like crazy?

Tasauana, I totally agree with you saying that we live our lives as "New Normal"....this is part of our life, and somehow we just have to incorporate our angels and our loss into it....nobody else can quite understand unless you've lived through it, can they? I just know that if I hadn't lost my angel, I wouldn't have my two precious boys that I have today....so somehow the "why" does now make sense....in a way.

Hi Rose. Let me start by saying I am SO sorry for your loss. I totally understand what ur feeling and don't for one moment feel like u should be masking or hiding your tears. We have had the worst thing happen to us and now must find a way to move forward without our precious babies. For me, I lost my son Jailen 3/17/04 at 22 weeks and I spiraled down to such a dark lonely place I thought I'd never pull thru. Then, 3 years later I had 2 1st trimester miscarriages 5 mos apart, the 2nd being twins. For me, talking helped. I didn't do much talking at first, I just listened. I was fortunate to find a great grief counseling center near me. I did all types of counseling, but the one that saved me was the center that matched me with a woman who'd experienced a similiar loss. She saved my life :) She was the lite at the end of the tunnel that I needed. Of course I didn't know that at first, but she was. My journey is a long story but very inspirational and I love sharing it. If ur interested, wen ur ready please feel free to contact me and we can talk. I can share my story and u can share urs if u like. U will reach a point one day that wen u talk about ur Angels u will smile. It won't bring that heart wrenching pain that it does now. Yes, u will always miss them but u'll learn how to incorporate that into ur everyday life, your "New Normal" as We learn to call it. I now understand the Whys and I don't question them anymore. I thank my Son for making me the woman and mother I am today. :)

we lost our baby 4 years ago, and I still miss her every day....I guess everyone copes in different ways, but we planted a tree and buried a little box in our garden with messages for her, and when I need to, I still go and sit with her out there sometimes.....We call it Angel's tree, and even our three year old boys know that this is a special spot for our family.....they sometimes come and put rose petals there.....probably b/c they've seen me do it before. I guess it just takes time, Rose, and don't expect to "get over it", but expect to find a way to incorporate these children into your life so that you can still feel them near.....that's what's helped me, anyway..... take care.

Mostly because if I have the cerclage and I lose another baby than I think we're just not going to be able to have kids.. I know some women have like 5 or 6 miscarries before they have a successful pregnancy, but I don't think I could be one of those women. Like I couldn't go through this a third time; the guilt would drive me crazy..

Well if you ever need anyone to talk to, you can message me :) Even just writing your feelings down can really help a lot. I've heard of a cerclage, but that an incompetent cervix doesn't seem to be my problem, they have no clue what is causing it. Why do you feel like you only have one chance left?

No, that was a help.. I wish I had people to talk to about it, but I just cry when I try so I don't think I can yet.. but I do think that when I can open up to someone about it, talking will help a lot. I'm afraid of not being able to have a baby too.. I feel like I only have one chance left, because I have an incompetent cervix.. That was the problem this time, so next time they have to do a cerclage(sp?), and if I still miscarry than it's over.

hey there, I am so sorry for your loses. I have had 2 miscarriages also, but not as far along. My first was at 11 & half weeks, and my second one (which happened on March 20th 2010) i was 9 weeks. The first miscarriage was hard, but I found it was easier to move on. This time I am a total wreck. I cry all the time, just want to be left alone etc. I think im having a harder time this time because im so scared that i would be able to conceive again ( I have a son who is 2 years old). I do have to keep reminding myself that it does take time to recover, and that it will probably be an emotional rollercoaster for some time. I think we all need to remember that it does take time to recover, and most importantly that it's okay to take the time to grieve and to miss our children. One thing that has really helped me is to be able to talk about it to people. Sorry if I wasn't too helpful!