This narrowly missed out on being a Twilight poster before it was deemed "a little too real"

After my award-winning post about Polish movie posters — okay, so I didn’t actually win any “awards,” but I did get lots of pageviews (*pulls out stack of singles*) Here’s my best blogger ever award number one (*stuffs down own G-string*), here’s my best blogger ever award number two… — I thought I’d follow up with another post about another Unlikely Bastion of Wacky Movie Posters: Africa. Okay, so it’s not exactly “unlikely.” Africa is pretty much a bastion of wacky everything. And I’m here to tell you, movie posters aren’t much different. And it should probably surprise you none at all to learn that people who’ve probably experienced real gore on occasion are well inclined towards vivid gore on movie posters. Hell, half of these were probably painted with the guts of an albino kid they thought was magic. I kid, I kid. Actually, a lot of them come from Ghana:

In the 1980s video cassette technology made it possible for “mobile cinema” operators in Ghana to travel from town to town and village to village creating temporary cinemas. The touring film group would create a theatre by hooking up a TV and VCR onto a portable generator and playing the films for the people to see.

In order to promote these showings, artists were hired to paint large posters of the films (usually on used canvas flour sacks). The artists were given the artistic freedom to paint the posters as they desired – often adding elements that weren’t in the actual films, or without even having seen the movies. [Source]

I wish they did posters like that in America. It would probably cut down on lame ass posters like this.

LOOK AT THAT GUN! Jesus, is this a live-action Wile E. Coyote with trucks and sluts? Count me in. Job well done, African Poster Designer Guy.

Terminator 3, 2003

Struggling to unpack this poster? The full title was Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, and I believe those are washing machines in the background, rising from their graves. See, poster guy, me and you are on the same page. The assumption here is that in Africa, it’s harder to imagine an industrial revolution gone bad in which an army of machines turn self-aware and try to kill us, than it is to imagine dead machines rising from their graves through voodoo. Don’t look at me like that, the poster said it, not me.

The Terminator, 1984

Terminator, redux. What’s interesting here is to see the evolution of the artist. He really came a long way in being able to draw Arnold Schwarzenegger between Terminator 1 and 3. Ah, didn’t we all.

Cujo, 1983

You’ve got vampire cats mauling a topless woman in the banner picture, but your idea of a killer dog is an Irish Setter with its head on backwards? You confuse me, Africa.

Believe it or not, this is actually a poster for Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest. You see, because eating corn in Africa can cause mites to burst from your skull and give you a bad case of skull boob. Okay, I don’t know if that’s true or not, but can you believe they’d make a movie called “Urban Harvest” and fill it with white people? I bet a young Channing Tatum rented this and was pissed.

Anaconda, 1997.

Yep, that’s supposed to be J. Lo. I think those are her ass cheeks at the bottom.

Anaconda 3, 2008.

For as terrible as they made Jennifer Lopez look, they really captured the essence of David Hasselhoff in this one. Look at him. He looks at any second, he might deliver a cheesy line, burst into a crappy song, and eat a hamburger off the floor. That’s the Hoff all right.

I have no idea what this movie is, but I sure as hell want to see it now. Hey, if your husband was breathing fire and your best friend turned into an ox, you’d be breast-feeding a sheep-hybrid too.

Eaten Alive, either from 1977 or 1980. It’s hard to tell, because you’ll never believe this, but both films actually have similar plots. But enough about the movie, look at that poster! Is that… a chick eating another chick’s severed boob?!? That. Is. So. Metal.

American Commandos, 1986.

Of course, who could forget the Bobby Suarez classic from 1986? (*crickets*) Okay, I’ve never heard of it either. I just think Bobby Suarez is a pretty awesome name. According to IMDB, he also directed Cleopatra Wong and The One-Armed Executioner. Good to know.

The Road Warrior, 1981.

Man, Mel Gibson looks like sh*t. Actually, he looks a bit like David Caruso. My God, how would this poster’s audience even know whether to go see it? How can one make such decisions without a telling quote from an esteemed film critic, such as, “Apocalypse… POW!”? Oh you poor, uncivilized savages, how do you live???

Additional trivia: this is actually the third writing credit of David S. Goyer, who went on to write Jumper, Dark City, Blade, Batman Begins, and the upcoming Superman. My only question is how that baby got such huge hands. Normally, babies can’t fit their hands all the way around the stock of a rifle. Trust me on this.

Dolly Dearest, 1992.

Rip Torn was actually in that. Of course, he’s not as big of a draw as Cock-eyed, One-Armed Baby Stabbing a Severed Head, Africa’s biggest movie star.

Enter the Dragon, 1973.

This one’s pretty trippy. Aside from the Edvard Munch-esque rendering of Bruce Lee, who’s the Phantom of the Opera dude in the background? Additionally, Bruce Lee’s left index finger kind of looks like a wiener.

Evil Dead II, 1987.

“Give me some sugar, baby. Wait, nevermind, it looks like I’m actually painted on a sack of flour.”

Okay, I get that the beard guy is Wilford Brimley, but I was unaware that this also featured a giant, terrifying scarecrow man and a lizard fish with legs.

Final Fight, 1989.

“He was vicious in Enter the Dragon he was savage in Bloodsport now Bolo Yeung is the ultimate fighting machine in Bloodfight.”

Man, I need to rent this. Also, did you know he rocks out on drums?

House Party, 1990.

Kickboxer 5, 1995.

I was not aware that they had made a Kickboxer 5. Must not have made it to my local Landmark Cinema.

Yes, well I have no idea what film this is for. Needless to say, it looks awesome. The Luck Dragon had a baby with one of one of the monsters from Where the Wild Things Are, which grew up and kidnapped an Asian boy, much to the chagrin of the militant black preacher who lost his mother in a tragic crocodile accident. I’d watch that.

Not sure which Mortal Kombat movie this is for. Mortal Kombat 3 is a videogame, as far as I know.

One Million Years BC, 1966.

I’d make fun of the poster, but this is actually pretty accurate, except for the depiction of Godzilla. HAHA, STUPID AFRICANS, THINKING GODZILLA WAS IN A MOVIE THAT WAS ACTUALLY ABOUT CAVEMEN FIGHTING DINOSAURS!

It’s so sad that it’d be another million years before Jesus finally showed up and killed the dinosaurs.

Poltergeist 2, 1982.

Now that’s a scary poster. Not as scary as this, but scary. I believe they purposely misspelled “poltergeist” to throw off any actual poltergeist, which you can still go to prison for in Africa.

Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981.

Indy plays second fiddle to a skull with a snake in its mouth in these parts.

I’m going to take a shot and say this was Spiders, from 2000.

I’m assuming this post is not for The Spy Who Loved Me, from 1977, but a cheap knock off about a giant fish, called the Spy Who Love Me. The fish ate the D. Ooh, I just came up with a new sex euphemism.

This is a Nigerian film from 2004, according to IMDB. “They stole his bible… AGAIN! And this time, it’s personal.”

Deadly Prey, 1987. I gotta be honest, his prey doesn’t look very deadly. In fact, the knife just seems like overkill.

The Hard Way, 1979

I’m going to go out on a limb and say this was for the 1979 action movie starring Patrick McGoohan and Lee Van Cleef, and not the 1991 comedy starring Michael J. Fox and James Woods. Sidenote: Lee Van Queef would be a terrible porn name.

The Mummy Returns, 2001. It doesn’t say The Mummy Returns, but I’m almost positive that’s the Rock in the middle, and he wasn’t in the first one. Though what the hell is that in front of him? An opium pipe?

American Shaolin, 1992. “Don’t just defeat him, hurt him. Humble him. Humiliate him.” Jeez, who wrote this copy, Charlie Sheen? And hey, is that Ralph Macchio?

Tough and Deadly, 1995, starring… wait for it… Billy Blanks and Roddy Piper. Oh please tell me this is one of those buddy cop flicks where one guy is named “Tough” and the other is “Deadly.” Get it? It’s symbolism.

poster number 4 is definitely terminator 2.. the ‘2’ is just hidden behind the ‘-tor’

03.09.11 at 1:11 pm

Fek'lhr

I wish they did posters like that in America. It would probably cut down on lame ass posters like this.

Missed Lemonparty opportunity. Just sayin’…

03.09.11 at 1:11 pm

Farthammer

Just looking at those posters gave me AIDS.

03.09.11 at 1:24 pm

Burnsy

I heard that on the poster for Step Up, Channing Tatum has a bone through his nose.

03.09.11 at 1:36 pm

hiland

great. an article on a 10 year old book. can’t wait to see what other old reddit posts you find next!

03.09.11 at 1:38 pm

Vince Mancini

YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCK IN HELL

03.09.11 at 2:31 pm

Crapbasket

That’s a burn, BTW.

03.10.11 at 2:11 pm

PetePete

Are you sure Tim Robbins wasn’t in Anaconda 3?

If not then: well played Hasselhoff, well played indeed.

03.10.11 at 5:56 pm

spazmodic

John Locke was retrospectively inserted into Raiders of the Lost Ark for Ghanan audiences. Makes sense, I guess…

03.11.11 at 6:22 am

Dingus

Lee Van Queef would be a terrible porn name. But Patrick McGoohan is a pretty great porn name as it is.

09.21.11 at 2:09 pm

Maryline

I find your comments very funny but some were offensive, and insulting as well. First of all Africa is a continent! How would you like it if the US and Mexico and all of the countries in America were put in one bag and talked as one? To say that everything that comes from Africa is wack is simply ignorant. Next time try not to be ignorant in your comments…But I had a good laught though minus the offensive jokes.