Random Thoughts About Life In General

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*If you haven’t watched the Christmas episode, please do not read any further*

Last night, I finally watched this years Doctor Who Christmas Special. It was a good episode and all… but I felt disappointed with a lot of it. Ok, maybe I didn’t think it was good at all. For me the second part of Season 7 just felt really rushed and Moffat was trying too hard to shock people. In the end it was just a big fat mess. Matt Smiths regeneration could have been soo much more! Sadly though, for some reason they felt Smith should have a peaceful death of old age.

Then when Smith tried to send Clara back to her time for her safety and Clara went through time and space to get back to him… Um…. Badwolf/Rose Tyler anyone? I just can’t find myself caring for Clara the way I did for Rose. Also Matt just sitting back and getting old while the people of Christmas died for him really killed it for me because he was basically just giving up. The Doctor should have kept fighting, he should have kept saving. So much more could have been done.

How I feel it should have went was:

Smith is on Trenzalore and when the Daleks, Cybermen and the rest of them start attacking he NEVER stops fighting! He still sends Clara back and that is the last time we see her. He has a standoff moment between him and the Daleks, where he still asks how they remembered him and they respond the same way. Then he gives them a speech about old age, all the things he’s learned, all the things he’s done and all the people he loved. Then before he could finish a Dalek shoots him and he falls. While he’s laying there dying and person from Christmas comes to him… preferably a guy. The timelords can see he is the Doctor and send him the new regeneration magic then BOOM! Peter Capaldi everybody! Then big epic battle because he is still regenerating and is therefor still powerful!

After he WINS the battle, he asks the person who came to him in his dying moment to come with him. The End!

ALTERNATE BADWOLF Ending:

Instead of the crack in time being Timelords like he originally thought, it was actually the same Bad Wolf Rose from the 50th. Not really Rose but a projection! And the crack in time was actually when Rose absorbed the time vortex and scattered Bad Wolf throughout time and space!

So while he’s dying from being shot, the crack opens. The person from Christmas is beside the dying Doctor while he mumbles what he believe are his last words about how “Sooner or later everything has to end…”

Cut scene to a foot coming out of the crack and someone walks to the Doctor admits the chaos. While he’s laying there you see the person bend to him and whisper in his ear “If I believe in anything… I believe in you.” But you don’t see Rose, just blonde hair and her lips. After she says that, she leaves her mouth open and the time particles she absorbed before go into the Doctor. This is where he is reborn again, he is reborn in War but Rose Tyler was always there to save him from himself.

Then she fades and he stands up as Peter Capaldi. When the person who was beside him asks who that was, he just smiles and says “Just the big Bad Wolf” and then he fights and WINS!

You can probably tell I’m a Rose Tyler fan, but if they did do it this way I think it would be a good way to say good bye to her forever and start new again. New story and new timelines.

I wanted to start this blog to get out any thoughts that might be creeping in my mind. I’m not the best at voicing my thoughts. For me it’s like, Who really cares? I’m not that interesting. I’ll just come off at whiny. So I try not to write when my emotions are high only because my mind is in a selfish state and I’ll only think about my point of view rather than try to see other points of view.

Now, what do I want my Blogs theme to be? I’m no relationship guru, in fact I have very little experience in the field. They say you should write what you know, I know retail. I’ve worked in retail for 5 years. Coming from never working as a teen and not understanding how things worked, it was a real shocker to see how cruel some people can be to people in customer service.

So that’s one thing I know for sure. Retail.

What else is interesting about my life. I play video games. I read books. I draw. I love music. My favorite shows are House, Game of Thrones, Doctor Who.

At the end of the day, I’m anti-social and a hermit. I want to have a social life, I want to see friends more, I want to have more adventures and live a more fulfilling life. My problem is that I’m scared. I’m awkward in social situations, I hate taking risks, I tell myself I can’t afford to travel, I tell myself anything to keep me from living.

I have a lot of dreams and aspirations. I want to move to a bigger city, preferably Toronto, near were my best friend lives. I want to be an art student. I want to be completely independent. I want to make more friends. I want to know how to talk to guys. I want a life worth talking about.

I just have no idea were I should start. I procrastinate and I talk myself down from things that scare me. I’m afraid of moving someplace where I’ll be completely alone and have to figure things out on my own.

I honestly wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I was with my Ex for 4 years and it was a really rocky relationship. Then after a dramatic break up I found myself single again. I felt so lost when it happen because I didn’t know how to be single anymore. Sharing my bed alone, moving back to my Moms, trying to get myself back onto my feet. It was really hard because I was just coming out of a depression and I was so lonely. But now a year and a half later since the break up I am a completely different person.

Getting to the point I’m at now wasn’t easy and I wouldn’t want to go through those hardships again. I have grown up so much since becoming single. I no longer rely on someone to do things for me or to make me happy. I love having my queen sized bed to myself. I can decorate my place how I want it without anyone telling me they didn’t like something.

When it comes to meeting new guys, thats something I need to work on. I never dated as a teen and my Ex was the only relationship I could deem as “Real”. So meeting new guys was all new too me. I find that, though I am mature in a lot of ways, the art of dating is still new to me and I come off as a shy high schooler than a woman who knows what she’s doing. I have met a couple guys since my ex and a friend confessed his love for me but none of those worked out.

Bachelor 1 I am still crazy for but he isn’t the relationship type and was too scared to hurt me, so he had to push me away. We still talk, all the time. In the end, I know that nothing will ever really happen with him but I like to keep him close because he’s one of the few people I can talk to about books and joke with. I think it’s the same for him. Sometimes he’ll just randomly message me, always teasing me but then we end up talking for hours until one of us says ‘Good Night’. It just messes with me sometimes because when I think we can just be friends and chat about random things, he seems to avoid me. I don’t know what to think of it all. I figure, if there is anything there, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If not I’d be happy just to have him as a friend.

Bachelor 2 was a guy I met at my old job. He was older and gorgeous. I was completely infatuated with the idea of him and he literally made me feel like a little girl with a crush. In the end it was just a physical thing and I haven’t seen him in over 3 months. He wasn’t the guy I convinced myself he was. I gave him my number after I moved to keep in contact and I haven’t heard from him again. It’s probably for the best though.

My friend, he is a good guy and I could tell he would have done anything to make me happy. When he found out I wanted to move to Ontario, he begged me to run away with him. But it just wouldn’t have worked. He has his weird side that even I couldn’t accept. Weird as in, let’s just say he looks better in a dress than I ever will. I just don’t think it would have been fair for us to be together because he would never be able to make me truely happy and that ultimately wouldn’t be fair to him. He ended up deleting me off Facebook and I haven’t heard from him since.

After these experiences I know what I want in a guy, he’s just going to be a little hard to find. Besides, they do say when you stop looking for Mr. Perfect he manages to find his way to you. For now, I’m just focusing on me. Working on making myself a better person and finding out what I could do to make my life matter. I was scared to be single for so long, but now it’s nothing. It’s kind of comforting just being able to concentrate on myself for once and finding out what I like in life. Not what “We” like. It’s liberating.

Facebook. Almost everyone has one, even Grandparents it seems. You can’t escape it, everywhere you go there are “Like Our Facebook Page” signs posted almost everywhere. It’s the only way to communicate these days. It has it’s pros and cons like everything in life. The one thing that is causing a lot of problems though seems to be ‘Facebook Addiction’.

The past few weeks it has been bothering me none stop. I hate this website. I hate everything it represents. I hate that its always the same thing, everyday. I hate that when I’m out in the real world, I ache to look at this thing. That if I can’t log on I feel as if I’m missing something. Something big must be happening. Someone must be trying to message me. Did I get a notification? Why hasn’t anyone liked my status? That was hilarious. Does he have a Girlfriend? Who is she? She saw my message why hasn’t she replied? Is she mad at me? They’re back together? Did he delete me?

It’s sickening how I could just sit there staring at this little screen in my hands constantly scrolling. Letting reality pass me by over this virtual world. I don’t talk to most of the people on my friends list, maybe less than 50 are even relevant in my life. Yet I feel like somehow, because I don’t have 600 friends like the next person, I am irrelevant. It’s pathetic really. I hate that it has take so much time out of my life trying to convince others I have a great life when my life consists of constant scrolling and not interacting with those around me. If I misplace my phone its like a part of me is missing and my social life is over.

Sure i have a phone line, but who likes getting phone calls these day? The only people who even have my phone number are my Mom, Grandma and Work. That’s it.

I already had terrible social skills as a teen, but with this world full of new technologies and Facebook, I’m even more useless in a social setting. I have a really hard time connecting with people face to face. I trip over my words and never really say what I meant to say. I have to get really comfortable around people before I can comfortably talk to anyone. I honestly blame Facebook for this, it affects many people.

I envy those who don’t fall into Facebooks spell, I wish I had their restraint. I wish I could casually use Facebook without it consuming me for hours on end.

Last night I had enough, I just looked at my Newsfeed and thought. Everything. Everyday. Everyone. It’s all the same. It doesn’t change. It doesn’t define me. Those who are truly there for me will go out of their way to be in my life. The rest of these people, they mean nothing. They could careless if I’m not on Facebook. They don’t care that I’m excited about Doctor Who. They don’t care if I’m playing Silent Hill. They don’t care who I’m with and where I’m eating. What book I just finished reading and how amazing the ending was.

Facebook is a world were, if your not a beautiful heart breaker, No Body Cares.

Plain and simple. No. One. Cares!

So I messaged those who I actually cared to stay in contact with that I was deactivating my account and to text me if they wanted to get a hold of me. I clicked the button saying “Deactivate” and watched as “My World” went Bye Bye.

Part of me felt like, “Oh you’ll be back, just log back in now and tell everyone you couldn’t do it.” And sure, I will probably be back. For whatever reason, I get sucked back in, maybe an hour from now or even a year, part of me knows… I’ll be back. But as of now, in my rational mind. I am done with it.

I am breaking free and attempting to find friends the old fashioned way. To talk to people in person. To learn to live life to the fullest and not behind a screen.

So I’m starting this blog, I don’t expect much if any traffic through here. I don’t expect anyone to care. In this end, here I am.