i have a friend from school. won't necessarily call her a friend, coz we were never on a one on one basis except briefly in 7th grade, but if you have known someone since 7th grade, that's close enough. She was pretty smart in school, went on a pre med track. and then as was common in our generation, we all lost touch after high school, except a few newsflashes here and there; until we all reconnected over fb and whatsapp. Turns out she married sorta early, and was a housewife now, but very involved in the academics and other activities of kids, which wasn't surprising, coz she too was very studious. And not surprisingly again, her kids are doing very well in school as all rounders.

Most of her posts, obviously were about kids and their achievements, about being a good mom and how that's the best thing that happened to her, about being a housewife and how that's the hardest job on earth. Of course, she was good at it, so why wouldn't she post it. Occasionally, there would be some sighs about not having traveled the road, etc.

Then a few months ago she posted about starting some sort of small business. Very good. Now that the kids are in higher grades, she gets the time for other stuff. All good, congrats, etc.

Most lately, she posted a pic of taking her mom out for dinner, and it being her treat. Girls were like - your treat? Meaning with your own money? And she said, yes, my own money, i am so proud, she's so proud. etc. etc. congrats and all.

But in my mind, I am still trying to wrap my head around it. Yes, there's a lot of pride associated with earning your own money, whether you are in your 20s or 40s. All of us remember our first paycheck. It just took me by surprise that after nearly 25 years of marriage, your husband's pay is still not your own? but that's a different discussion.

It's just the words from before vs. now that I am trying to get around. Did she have to give up on her ambitions when young coz of the pressure to be married and get into the mould set for her? In last few years, whenever she was on a self-congratulatory mode about her life, (which btw was all in earnest, not bragging at all), was she feeling a void and that's why trying to fill it with her own words of self satisfaction? Instead of making a statement about her life, was she simply consoling herself or boosting herself up? Was it that when she could not fill it anymore, she ventured out and did it for real. It may not be the career she originally wanted to have, but she's now making the best use of her talent.

I have yet another friend whose husband is super rich, and she's a super woman. But she says openly that she's looking for a job coz she loves the idea of her own little job satisfaction that she can earn. And she works whenever she can.

Your words are a reflection of your thoughts. You won't be saying it if you were not thinking it. It's just that some express it as it is, while others try to put up a brave front and deny it. I did a self analysis of own and wondered if I do the same. Do I diss the very things that I want for myself? I like to think that i am one of those who's open about what she wants and what's not happening. So if I miss something, I say it. If I lost out on something, I say it. I know my marriage failed, and as a result, I say that I don't care about marriage any more. I don't say it all the time, I think, but if anyone asks I say I don't care about marriage anymore and that the institution seems to be at risk. But I also add that for people who are young and have their whole life ahead of them, should consider it seriously. I even cheer for anyone older who marries. So I know I am dissing it for myself, not for others. But then again, today I began questioning myself. Do I really don't want it, or do I keep saying that to make myself feel better. Or do I say it coz I am scared? Coz, the mindset I am in now, I don't want anything to disrupt the setup that I have created for my kids' future. However, if a good prospect comes along, and if it's good for my kids too, will i do it? I don't know.

All I know now is, maybe I need to reflect on all the stuff I say, just to make sure what I am saying is really in line to what I want for a foreseeable future. Lying to oneself only delays getting what you really want.