So...I kicked my husband out, and my life is going down the drain...*loooong*

This is going to be very very long and all over the place. I apologize in advance.

On October 12th, I asked my husband to leave and took him to his friends house. We are staying with my dad currently, because we moved out of our house and our apartment was going to be ready this week. So at this point, my kids and I were at my dad's and my husband was at a friend's house who lived close to his work (20 miles away, about 30 minutes). My husband was refusing to use the word "separated" and kept using the words "getting space" and "taking a breather." He doesn't and didn't understand that "getting space" in a relationship is not healthy. Your "space" should be while we were at work, a total of 10-12 hours away from each other...how much more space did he need? He would disappear and go smoke and play video games for a few hours every day for about a week or so before I asked him to leave.

Anyway, things were tough, but the kids and I were living fine. For the first week, he didn't talk to me, didn't ask about the kids, didn't ask to see the kids. On that Friday, he didn't go to work. Saturday and Sunday, same thing. He flipped it on me and said "I told you if I didn't have a family to provide for then I don't care about working." I told him he still has kids to provide for. Anywho, shocker! On Monday he was fired. So now he's jobless, homeless, and doesn't have a car. He goes to labor finders and they hook him up with the big trash picker-uppers. He didn't go in on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. Instead he's doing this volunteer work and makes $25 a day. Our original agreement was he would pay for a week of daycare, then I would, then he would, then I would. Get the drift? That would be his child support.

Now, in the meantime of all of this shit happening, I go down to the college and try to appeal my financial aide. I'm told they have never accepted an appeal unless it's for an illness, injury, or death. Something beyond my control that stopped me from finishing my classes back in high school while doing dual enrollment. She said I could try, but the chances of them accepting the appeal were slim to none. She gave me the website to start scholarships and gave me some info on a payment plan. If I were to do two classes and went and signed up right this moment, my payments would be about $180 from November to February, plus the cost of books.

In the meantime while all THAT shit is happening, I get an email that my daycare assistance went through. However, I applied in September and now all of my circumstances have changed (status of relationship, income, rent, etc), and I need to do a new application and it would bump me back down to the bottom of the list. Fucking great. So now, it looks like I'm going to be paying for $800 a month for daycare, since my husband lost his job and can't pay his half. So, there went my chances of moving out on my own with the kids. Instead, I'm stuck at my dad's.

Average rent in my town for a 2 bedroom apartment is about $700-$750. If I'm already $800 a month for daycare, plus $700 a month for rent, I'm already in the negative. Forget an electric bill, gas, diapers, formula, etc. I'm literally fucking stuck at my dad's house. Now, please don't get me wrong, I am SO (significant other) SO GRATEFUL, for what my dad is doing to help my kids and me, however, what 55 yo man wants his daughter and 2 kids living with him? And what 21 yo woman with 2 kids wants to be living with their dad? Know what I mean? So I think, okay, I'll apply for section 8 housing. Well, turns out the waiting list is so long it's been closed since June or July of 2014. Great. I look up the definition of "homeless" on Florida, and I'm technically homeless. Great. However, since I have a roof over my head and I'm not in dire need, I'll be out last on the list.

I can't fucking win.

All this time, my husband is barely spending any time with the kids. He is more worried about his relationship with me than he is with the kids. I told him I want to be separated, period, end of story. He still doesn't understand what I mean and thinks we're just taking a break. WTF?! So, we go to dinner one night and talk things over and things are okay-ish. He asks to come home that night and I say no, I'm not ready for that. He says he'll give me time, but then he gets all sad and puppy dog looking and makes me feel like shit. I've stuck to my guns so far, and not let him back home.

Yesterday, he asked to see me while I was off. So I went and picked him up and went and got McDonald's. The whole time I'm being distant and not trying to cause mixed signals. We go and pick up the kids, and he says he wants to take them to the park. So, later after we're done, he comes to my dad's and helps with bath time, then I take him back to his grandma's house. This is only the second time we've spent any time alone...a whopping 30-45 minutes each time.

Now, the whole time we've been split, he's been mad that I keep "bringing up the past." Let me remind you all of some stuff my husband has done in the 4 years we've been together. Cheated on me 3 times (those are only the times I know about). Contacted 95, yes 95, people on Craigslist trying to meet up with them for sex...mostly men. Gave me an STD in February or March. Disappeared countless times, sometimes early into the morning then acted like nothing has happened. Blown hundreds, if not a few thousand dollars, on weed. Been on probation that cost us a few thousand dollars as well. That's just some of the major stuff. So YES, I KEEP BRINGING UP THE PAST! That's why we're in this situation now! Because of the past! He keeps saying he's a changed man, blah blah blah. Yea, because a serial cheater changes their ways in 10 days...okay 👌🏻.

I don't even know if the man is gay or fucking straight, and he wants me to just jump back into a relationship based on him saying he's "changed." I've literally heard "I'm changed" and "I'm sorry" from him 2,000 times in the past 4 years.

Anyway, he hasn't told anyone in his family why I kicked him out so they're all saying that I have somebody else and I'm cheating on him. HA! Okay. His mom didn't know anything that was going on, so she had him call me the other day and had him ask me if I wanted him to come home. Then I heard her in the background saying (like I was supposed to be saying) "yes I want you to come home because I love you and miss you." I told him no, and I'm sorry that his mom did that to him and he needs to tell her to butt out. Well, last night he took his aunts car and disappeared for a few hours. His mom called me and asked if I knew where some of his friends lived. She got another call and his aunt had found him...at his other aunt's house, smoking weed and playing video games. I told his mom that I know she thinks I'm a heartless person for everything I'm doing, but I'm looking out for my kids in this entire situation. Then I spouted off the list of everything he's done wrong. Now, I'm not one to get everyone and their mama in my business, but when I'm made out to be the villain, I won't put up with it. His mom just said "I'll call you tomorrow." About 15-20 minutes later he called me, telling about how I need to leave the past in the past, he's a changed man and I need to get over it, and (get this!) it's my fault everything happened because I'm unaffectionate. He hung up. His aunt (whose car he took), called me immediately after and asked what was wrong with him because he was scaring her.

I'm sure I mentioned this before, but I'm about 90% sure my husband has undiagnosed and an untreated mental illness(es). I'm thinking depression and possibly bipolar disorder. I'm not saying that just because of everything he's done, but also because of everything he's been through in life. I work in the health field and see them every day and he has some signs that scream depression. He refuses to get help because he says "I won't want to be loaded with drugs, when smoking weed has the same affect on me and is healthier." I shit. You. Not. His aunt mentioned that she had mentioned for him to get a mental health screening, there is a center that gets you help for free in our town, and he went off on her saying that he "just thinks differently and outside the box and there's nothing wrong with [him]."

It's like, I seriously want to help him, but he doesn't even want to help himself. He's saying that he's going to be moving to Orlando or Daytona, about 2 or so hours away from us now, and he's going to start over because our town is just a big trap, and blah blah blah.

Anyway...that's all I've been dealing with and I wanted to share because you all know exactly what to say to make me feel like I'm not a giant failure for being 21 and technically homeless with my kids. I'm so so sorry it's so long, I just feel like I needed to get it all out and get some unbiased opinions.

It really really sucks that I can't move out, can't join the military, can't get in school, can't get a second job (no definite childcare in the afternoon), can't vent to my husband without him blowing up that I'm "bringing up the past." Just...ugh...

Sounds like me and you are going through the exact same thing.... im 24, pregnant with a 2nd, husband quit his job almost 2 years ago and hasnt bothered finding another. I work part time with no childcare, we live with my dad, who lives with his mom. He is bipolar.. and does the exact same things your guy does... but good for you, youre taking a turn for the greater good in your family. Making the adult choices. Im proud of you. Keep doing what youre doing, youll make it through this somehow. Us strong people always do, I wish I had as much balls as you do. I havent removed myself yet.. for me id like to believe theres still hope for greatness. Even though thats slowly chipping away at me.. maybe one day ill think of you and grow a pair.

File for custody and child support. You don't try to have sex with a man (as a man) and then "change". You are correct, you cannot change him and his past is not over. You're young, cut your losses and move on. Grieve the husband you thought you had but MOVE ON. He's not fixable.

--

DD 4/09/08 ~DS 5/19/11 ~ DS 1/11/15

"These ladies need to take the stick out there butts and put a penis in there vaginas so they can chill" (sic)

This is insane and I'm really sorry you're going through this. All I can say is that it HAS to get better from here and one day you will look back and it will be better. Yoy won't live with your dad forever and you and your kids will be stronger after overcoming this. Stay strong for the little ones and hold your ground with your dh...if he really has changed, he needs to prove it by offering financial support before you even think of taking him back!

This is insane and I'm really sorry you're going through this. All I ...

Posted
10/23/2015

This is insane and I'm really sorry you're going through this. All I can say is that it HAS to get better from here and one day you will look back and it will be better. Yoy won't live with your dad forever and you and your kids will be stronger after overcoming this. Stay strong for the little ones and hold your ground with your dh...if he really has changed, he needs to prove it by offering financial support before you even think of taking him back!

Trust me, I have no intention of taking him back. If I did, it would be after he went to counseling, got a REAL and stable job, got mental health help, came out as bisexual, straight or gay, and the list goes on and on. I won't settle anymore.

You're doing the right thing here. I'm sure it's not the easiest of circumstances but keep working on getting on your feet and you'll get there.

Regarding the assistance application, remember that your marital status hasn't changed until it has legally. In many states separated means legally separated. You obviously don't want to be married so I would just start the divorce process already, refill out the assistance application, etc.

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