Am I a chump if my wife had an affair and I stuck around?

Lyle, 48, has been married to his wife, 41, for eight years. He says that their sex life isgreat and they have sex four to five times a week. Their marriage was great for the firstfour years, but it’s gone majorly downhill. He once found a guy’s phone number in herpossession and she covered it up. For the past two years, she’s been talking to him lessand showing him less love and affection. If my wife had an affair, what can I do about it?

Harry’s advice

Other than finding the phone number, seeing hickeys on her body, and her not paying enough attention to you, do you have any other proof that she’s having an affair? When you confronted her about it and she lied to you and denied it, so you packed a bag and made it as far as down the driveway. But, she chased after you and said she was sorry. So she admitted to having an affair.

Lyle, it seems like your wife is not in love with you anymore. If your wife cheats it means she’s unsatisfied in the marriage or she’s met someone else that she’d rather be with. You seem like a really great guy whose trying desperately hard to make his marriage work. You deserve better than this.

You need to man up. You’re in such denial it’s beyond denial. You’re denying your denial. Even if her affair ended, you’re still tortured about it. You have scars that haven’t healed and by forgiving your wife and trying to make it work, you’re just hurting yourself more.

The next step is communication. You’re in the relationship together and you’re raising four kids together. But, it sounds like you’re doing all the work when it comes to keeping your marriage together. You need to seek couples counseling if you think it’s possible to fix your marriage.

But, Lyle, you’ve got to be willing to lose her. If you’re not willing to walk away, things are never going to get better. Your wife needs to understand that you can live without her and be happy without her or she owns you and will continue to be unfaithful because she knows that you’ll stick around. You can try a trial separation and make it clear to her that she needs to win you back and prove that she deserves your love.

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