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Personality Development

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Do You Have a Manager’s Mindset?

Katy Tynan

Julie Long, a senior developer at a software company, was identified by her manager as a high performer. When she was asked to coordinate a team of three junior developers on a project, Julie was excited about the opportunity to finally move into a management role. However she quickly became frustrated. Things that were simple and easy for her were not getting done in a timely way by her team. After just a few weeks in her new role, as she reviewed the code her team members had written, she found herself seriously considering scrapping their contributions and writing it all herself. She knew that if she worked a few extra hours, she could likely match the output of all three of her direct reports.

This scenario is all too common when an individual is asked to make the leap from expert to manager. It’s especially common when someone is asked to lead a team of their recent peers. But jumping into the weeds and trying to do everything, even if it works initially, is not a sustainable strategy. Ultimately a manager needs to focus on becoming a successful teacher and mentor in order to help their people develop and grow, and to increase the overall capacity of the team.

But this requires a dramatic change in mindset, and it’s this process that is so difficult for many of the recently promoted. Because coaching and coordinating others is not how you spent your days as an individual contributor, it can be hard to discard old habits. Start by tracking the improvement of your direct reports from where they are rather than comparing their output and capabilities to your own. If you assess people individually, their talents will emerge—and their progress will become a measure of your own success.

Here are some other things to keep in mind as you work on shifting your mind-set. Some of these suggestions may seem obvious, but the fundamentals have a way of flying out the window when new responsibilities pile up and the pressure’s on

Take the Long View

While individual contributors keep their heads down and focus on getting work done, managers needs to be looking further ahead. Good managers spend much of their time anticipating challenges, negotiating political situations, and creating a road map that pulls together what each team member is working on independently. You also need to think beyond what will happen in the ideal scenario and plan for contingencies.

Seeing the bigger picture involves doing two things well.

First, you should have a solid understanding of the needs and goals of your department, as well as the entire organization. This clarity about the ecosystem in which your team operates will help you anticipate your manager’s expectations. Second, you need to understand the capabilities of the individuals on your team. Recognizing your team’s capacity will give you the ability to better forecast when your team will be stretched or when it will experience bottlenecks, and to set expectations accordingly.

Ask More Questions

When one of your team members is struggling, it can be tempting to just hand out answers (or do the work yourself, like Julie). After all, you probably know what needs to be done, and quickly providing the solution will get you back to your own work faster. But if you get into the habit of being the answer dispenser, you don’t give people the chance to figure it out for themselves.

Asking questions ca

n be a great way to help a team member work through a problem. Have them describe what’s frustrating – put it up on a whiteboard if you can – and then talk through all the angles. In many cases a solution will become obvious just through the act of describing the problem. But if it doesn’t, your questions can be instrumental in helping your employee look at the obstacle in a new way or uncover alternative possibilities.

Focus on What and When

As an individual contributor, you were rewarded for perfecting the “how” of getting your work done. You might have great ideas about what makes you more productive and allows you to do your best work. But what works for you might not work for others, and further, others might come up with new ideas or techniques that you haven’t considered. It’s always best when setting goals with your team to focus on what the deliverables are, and when they need to be complete, but to leave the details of how that gets done up to each person.

The exception, of course, is when someone asks for help, or if you observe a team member struggling. At that point you can look at how they are going about the task. But even in these cases you should approach the situation with an open mind, and not simply dictate what should be done.

Another reason to focus on the goals and not the process is to avoid micromanaging. No one enjoys having their manager hang over their shoulder and tell them how to do their job. It’s a quick way to frustrate your team, and it won’t make the work go any faster.

Trust Your Gut

Stepping into a new role can throw you off balance. You are working hard to learn new ways of thinking and behaving and it can make you feel like you’re wrong a lot of the time. But your instincts are still valuable. If you feel like a project is going off the rails, don’t wait until it’s too late to respond. You may be figuring out how to be a good leader, but your sense of whether the work is being done and done right is likely on target—especially if it’s work that you’ve done yourself in the past.

Many new managers delay confronting a team member who is missing deadlines or struggling in some way because they doubt their instincts or aren’t sure how to address the problem productively. But rather than waiting until the situation grows worse, sit down and have a conversation. Make sure you’re aware of how people are doing, and check in with them regularly. When you feel like something is off, it probably is.

Be Patient

Shifting your mind-set from the day-to-day responsibilities of an individual contributor to the broader view of a manager and leader takes time. Don’t expect these skills to evolve overnight, and don’t be discouraged if you have some setbacks as you try to strike a balance between getting things done and coaching your team. Most of us aren’t natural-born managers. The mind-set of a manager can be learned and honed with practice.

When times get tough (as they’re bound to do) or you’re feeling overwhelmed by your new role, pause and ask yourself:

Am I seeing my direct reports’ strengths and weaknesses clearly, or comparing them to mine?

Am I taking the long view, anticipating capabilities, challenges, and expectations?

Am I asking questions more often than dispensing answers?

Am I setting clear deadlines and deliverables, but leaving the “how” up to my team?

Am I second-guessing my instincts? (Don’t.)

Am I being patient with my own development as a manager?

The writer is an expert on the future of work. She is the author of the new book ‘Free Agent: The Independent Professional’s Guide to Self-Employment Success’ published from Productivity Press. She is a consultant and a founding partner of MindBridge Partners. Follow her on Twitter @KatyTynan.

hbr.org

A transition from here to there

More often than not, we spend our time pondering over issues of identity and position. “Who am I?”, “What is my role in the society?”, “Where do I stand”? As a student, we take many leaps, facing multiple transitions over a short period of 5-6 years. This period also called the age of the ‘young adulthood’ is the most important phase of life.

During this time, we take on the world with the expectations of being its rulers, trying to assimilate our identity with the crowd of ‘the professional and the popular’. We take a step outside our houses, without the ever constant protective covering of our parents. We see new changes in our personality, socially, politically, and economically driven. Most of us are aware that these progressive changes are a part of bigger change i.e. from the personal to the professional sphere of life.

Thus, the end of the journey of ‘young adulthood’ is marked with an end on our carefreeness and its replacement with duties and responsibilities. No longer can we procrastinate our assignments in the hopes of late submission dates, no extra periods when the teacher is on leave, no extra holiday on Saturday, unless it’s included in your package.

Stepping into this new sphere of life is a little scary as well intimidating. There is nobody in front of you to take your burden; you have to be responsible for your every action and deed and carry it out in a way that it reaps maximum benefits for you. (Sometimes professionally, sometimes personally, sometimes both, but that is a dilemma for later.)

The first few months of this life is completely uncomfortable. You feel out of sorts with your surroundings, with your work and many times with the higher ups). The excitement of the new work is often intermixed with a desire to outshine others. This leads to competition but also towards an identity crisis. “What am I competing for?”, “How would it define me”?

These insecurities and fears are natural and so is the feeling of anxiety and depression. Students are often afraid to discuss these issues with others, thinking that they would be made fun of. This is a crisis of our society, as it doesn’t properly deal with the critical issues of life changes.

During this period of transition, it is a must for the young adults to discuss their problems and issues. It is a completely new phase of which they have minimum experience. During this time, proper guidance can not only alleviate the fears in the young, potential minds but it can also prepare them to take up the challenges of the new life with more confidence.

Students often prefer consulting amongst their peer group to find solutions to their problems, but you must realize that they are as unaware of the solutions as you are. They are giving you suggestions overheard somewhere or read in a magazine in passing, which might be barely helpful. A discussion with parents, teachers, or mentors is a better solution.

They have been through this stage in life and are more resourceful in giving out tips and guidance. Seek a discussion with your mentors or people in the fieldwork you are pursuing, as they can be more critically aware of your problems and may help you in confronting them.

If you feel that you can’t concentrate on your work due to stress or anxiety, try meditating or exercising half an hour everyday. If the anxiety persists or becomes worse, try contacting a professional. Remember, that consulting a counsellor is neither a shameful nor a scary thing. If you feel that it’s degrading to consult them; then know that they are also performing a job. Just like the jobs of a lawyer, who best handles legal work and a chemist, who best handles medicines can’t be interchanged; similarly a counsellor is best acquainted with the knowledge of mental stress and disorders and can be your best source of help.

You are taking a step into an alien place; don’t feel ashamed of being afraid. Everybody experiences it; you just have to learn how to handle it maturely as well as successfully.

Maanvi Agarwal

Morality and Intolerance: Building up constructive criticism

Maanvi Agarwal

The biggest hurdle that we face while confronting a situation is whether it’s ‘right or wrong’; if it’s not morally acceptable then we mostly try to avoid it. Who is it that sets for us this definition and parameters of morality? What are the consequences and struggles that we, as the budding youth, face due to these norms? No matter whom we are trying to appease, what matters in the end is that we are conscious followers and harbingers of the change revolving our decisions. For this reason, we need to know what exactly it is that we are trying to assimilate into our active conscience.

We have already seen how our background and environment affects our opinions and judgement on a given matter, and how knowledge is the fundamental factor in forming an objective attitude. Now we need to understand how socially construed factors like morality, freedom (a state of being capable of making decisions without external control) and liberty (freedom which has been granted to people by an external control), shape ideas and personality.

Despite being forthcoming in our participation, we are quite indifferent to the political atmosphere in the microcosm and the macrocosm. This belief comes from the fact that unlike how we perceive ourselves to be a free or liberal country, we are quite inflexible and punitive to changes and differences. To get a clear picture, let’s take the example of the current JNU row. It encompasses religious, political, national and intellectual manoeuvrings. To many people it is just a small case of misinformed trial and for others it has become the prime issue of their lives.

“What gave rise to what?” is not our question, but what followed is important to consider. The ‘truth’ of the matter doesn’t exist, since our perception in viewing the truth and the medium delivering this truth to us can be opposing and biased, sometimes even false. However, the morality of the case and how we as students are used not to create a change but a dispute is appalling. The whole tiff-off of how our system gives no space to dissent and is becoming more intolerant is half-assed. Just as some of us can come ahead and say that the happenings at JNU was a case of healthy, democratic debate, others can look at it differently and call it a violation of liberty (not freedom, which is different). Why, because there is no objective truth.

Our country is democratic, no doubts, because a lot of us can get away with saying a lot of things, without any action being taken. Just as violence harmed the innocent in the JNU tryst, similarly violence of thoughts have affected others as well, in other cases, without as much as a complain against it. How far we are intolerant can be seen by how much negativity one side i.e. ABVP and BJP is getting while the unconditional support is being given to JNU and its student and perpetrators. Tolerance means giving platform to every form of viewpoint, even if it goes against our own beliefs. Instead of showing our intellect and wisdom by keeping in mind both sides of the opposition; we are swayed to one side by the politics of India, of which we have minimal grasp. We are still a herd of animals following one leader, who for his/her benefits is feeding us fodder.

Our moral compass tells us to stand with the students of JNU who are being unnecessarily dragged into a fight, not of their own. They think they represent an academic space which is being violated by the power-wielders of the society. Let’s ask ourselves a question, has not JNU stood for a political environment since the time of its conception? Is it really detached from power contest? If we are to accuse the moral police who have termed JNU as a home for terrorists and ‘anti-nationalists’, then we need to know that we are also moralising the acts surrounding the case of JNU based solely on our own thoughts. What is the difference between us and them? To form a constructive criticism, we cannot trust any one side, be it the people of JNU or the political parties insulting the institution.

Instead of raging for liberty not granted, we need to fight for the freedom that is denied to us, by every individual who by taking a political stand, does so by putting down his/her adversaries. We are free to form opinion, take a stand, and the nation-state has the duty to grant us this liberty. But just as liberty exemplifies freedom, similarly freedom doesn’t need liberty for its growth. Let’s question everything, and accept everyone, since that is the only true demonstration of freedom and tolerance.

Believe in Yourself

Bharat Lal Meena, Additional Chief Secretary, Government of Karnataka

The painful trend of suicides by some students in different parts of the country including in Kota, Rajasthan, recently is highly disturbing. Not only the parents, educationists, sociologists and also the policy makers are deeply worried over it, I feel it is the outcome of unduly burdening of the students with excessive expectations. The parents expect the best from them. They want their child to excel and be number one, which is not always possible, as every child has a different potential. Everyone cannot be number one. But majority of the parents do not accept this fact. Their unrealistic expectations exert undue pressure on the students, which ultimately develop excruciating stress in them and they fail to cope up with it.

It is a competitive world. Everybody’s limitations, capabilities and strength are different. When there is so much competition, how can every parent expect that his/her ward should always stand number one, or among the top ten, top twenty, etc. The killer trend has deepened so much in the mind of the parents that they are not ready to accept the reality and continue to put a target before the students disregarding their capabilities. At the same time they do not take care of the fear connected with not achieving the target.

If a target is fixed in the life in a positive sense, then it plays the role of real motivation to excel in life. The child should be told that in clear terms that you try your best and if you do not succeed this time then try again. Otherwise leave it, think of something else. There are many other options available now. This type of attitude should be developed and this much comfort level should be provided to the students.

The students should also show some maturity. At the age of 20 plus they become mature enough. They should realise that they have to make sincere efforts in the competition. If you do not succeed it does not give you the right to take your own life. Life is precious for everyone. Another thing is that the life does not end at IITs, NITS, IIMs, Medical only. If you succeed, well and good, and if you do not succeed there are many other avenues also to explore. The students should have that understanding too when they start preparing for any competition. We see many people who fix a target of becoming only IAS and do not try any other avenue. I advice to such students to first pick up any employment then try for whatever you want to be. It will reduce financial burden on your parents, it will general self-confidence and make you gain some experience in the life. But many times many students commit this mistake and continue to depend upon the parents for a long time. That also should be avoided. Children should learn the knack of opening of lock. Some prepare well, but they do not score well. Some prepare all the times but even then they do not succeed. We should take the things as they come and always believe in ourselves. The self-confidence should never be shaken. Such extreme steps should never be taken by anyone. We must value the life, which is the opportunity given by the Almighty once. Instead of taking our own life, we should rather dedicate our life to other causes. If you have not succeeded in one area you may succeed in other area. Rather dedicate your life for promoting the cause, which you have not been able to fulfill. That option is also there for us. There are many people we have seen in our life who have successfully shown it. I know a person in Karnataka who could not pass even eighth standard but today owns more than 100 educational institutions so that none should be deprived of education. A number of leading scientists failed several times but it did not stop them from making repeated efforts. There are many successful people in the world who were not well in the studies but excelled perfectly in the life. This type of desire and commitment can give new direction to the life.

Counselling of Students

Undoubtedly, lot of things need to be changed in education system also. The curriculums have been designed keeping in mind the local needs. Now we should think in global perspective. Our students should be prepared not only for working in India, but at the global level. The education system should dynamically be changed in such a way that we assimilate good ideas, good contents and the things which are required to earn good livelihood.

The educational institutions should also start helplines to address the stress developed among the students due to any reason. When a student is psychologically stressed that moment only they should be provided proper counselling. Some voluntary organisations can also be engaged in this task. The coaching institutions, which impart training or coaching should have inbuilt mechanism to address the stress of the students. The faculty members should also be sensitised in a manner that they motivate the students in a way that there are many other options if one does not succeed in a particular branch. Parents should also motivate the students that you make your best and leave the rest to the Almighty. We have right to do, but not the right to show the result. Nobody has control over the result. Therefore, don’t bother about the results. Rather have the feeling that I have done my best. Once you have that satisfaction, rest of the things will follow.

Money, matter and brain drain!

Maanvi Agarwal

The desire for wealth is not uncommon, material; social or creative. As humans, while we are living, desire for more and better things is normal. That’s why we try to do our best to attain those desires. The question that arises is, where and when should we stop and why?

With the high difference in the living standards between different class sections within India itself and between India and the other developed countries like USA and European countries like United Kingdoms or Germany has created dissatisfaction amongst ambitious individuals who feel that they are being treated unfairly and poorly in return for their talents and work. With the scope for better opportunities, and a high salary package, the number of students opting to go abroad has increased. Few of the major factors for this scenario are:

The lack of good infrastructure for higher research, which has in some ways disabled the Ph.D students who don’t get the best chances, resources and facilities in India.

High cut-offs and limited number of good government college that while on one hand tries to enroll the best students from the country, has forced many students to pursue education in foreign countries, “who fail to meet the ‘irrational’ demands of the universities and had to compromise on their dream of occupying a seat in any of the prestigious Indian universities.”

Low salary packages, in comparison to the hefty paychecks given in developed countries. After getting good global exposure and getting introduced to the high quality life, the students are reluctant to return to their home country.

The above reasons have not only resulted in the intellectual drain in India but a gain in intellect in those developed nations, for which they are leaving. Most of our skilled workforce including doctors, engineers, and entrepreneurs are now working to uplift the GDPA of the host countries, while India is falling back more and more.

It would be wrong to put the complete blame on the youth, who are just trying to fulfill their personal pursuits but they still should be aware of how and to what extent their actions effect the development of India.

The pulling force of our country is made up of both manpower and skills. While we are rich in the former, we are quite deficient in the latter. We should understand that even when we are not provided with what we deem is ‘worthy’ of us, we still have a social responsibility towards our society and our country. Most of the highly qualified graduate students from India, seek job opportunities outside the country, which is not fair to the Indian universities. What we lack in our country in terms of education and infrastructure, we have to make up for it, but it can’t only done by criticising the government for its failure in fulfilling its tasks, we as the energetic, youthful individuals have to also take actions in order to supplement ourselves with what we lack, and this can only be done while staying in the country and handling it at the grassroot levels.

To tackle the problem infesting our country, we need to look beyond our personal benifits and start looking at the bigger picture. Of course there is no guarantee that this will lead to success and wealth but we can’t also be self- serving, otherwise it would lead to a collapse in the society. A few individuals will question as to why it’s “their responsibility” when none of the others are working for it but the answer is quite simple, the moment we start putting ourselves on scale with the others, then we can either look in front of us or behind us, but not around us, and not definitely not at ourselves as a whole (and society functions as a whole).

No one can and no one should pressurize us into doing things that we don’t want to do, but while that’s true we need to change the definition of ‘taking responsibility’ for our actions. After witnessing a huge brain drain of doctors, the health ministry has suspended issuing “no obligation to return certificates” to the medical students going abroad for higher education.

Thus we can’t criticize our country’s attempts to keep its youth within the country so that they can help with its progress. We have to start looking at our actions from other point of view, where we aren’t just standing as sole creatures of the world but as a tightly knit group, with each person holding the thread of our country’s future. Tomorrow’s success and growth rests on us and we need to be the ones establishing and stabilising it.

Arrogance or Confidence: which proves beneficial in life?

There are a lot of debates going around the issue of work smartness in professional jobs. There are a variety of people, with different priorities and ambitions. As such, one cannot pinpoint what is the most essential quality required to achieve success. But confidence goes a long way in not only imparting self-esteem and respect but also in building up the base of your future on which you successively establish a foundation.

There are certain qualities that one must keep in mind when applying for some work, whether it be in college or job, during the interview or in general workspace; they are hard work, ambition, confidence, and respect. People have these qualities in different proportion which determines their over all personality. This personality also decides your success rate, though there are specific situations and exceptions where they don’t work. One must remember though that the presence of these specific qualities are established by the society and are therefore prone to change with time. Each new period demands new changes and the ability to change and self- reflect helps in better adjustment as well as in progress.

The major role of confidence is that it produces less chances in the surrounding for doubts. You can be less hard working, but the authority of your work is authenticated by your own belief in yourself and your abilities. This is also the reason why confident people have higher rate of promotion than less confident ones. It also influences your other characteristics. Confidence fuels your drive to achieve a better social and economic status; you are never satisfied with what you have until you get what you need.

Ambitious people are thorough and serious about their goals, they don’t let distractions overwhelm them or decide their future. Such people have a high esteem of themselves which makes other people have confidence in them. However even this ambition needs to be tackled carefully. Many a times we see fake people with a baggage of words and zero efficiency. Also, over confidence and over ambitiousness makes a person rigid and unresponsive to feedback. They don’t like things that don’t go their way and are negative about people achieving more than them. There are chances of the competitive spirit turning into a hostile environment leading to even bullying. These negative effects are common in big companies with too many overachieving individuals. The result of this is that they have a short lived career, because they fail to integrate the lessons of their failure.

A fresh student has trouble coping with the redundant quality of market workspace and has to often let go of her/his principles in favour of company politics. Many of us in fact rely on our hard work to get top results, and slowly and progressively, through sheer drive, they conquer their obstacles and earn their goals. In such a situation confidence only helps to smoothen and fasten the inevitable process, but the lack of it causes greater conflict within the individual about her/his own place and status in society and makes her/him vulnerable to anxiety and pressure.

A confident person cannot secure her/his position without maintaining good relations with the team, and other workers of her/his field. This quality proves to be a long term investment as the better your social circle and contacts, the more opportunities you have to climb the success ladder.

Apart from these qualities, a person has to be continuously critical of herself/himself and the surroundings. Many times we are frustrated because we are unable to adjust to the changes and inculcate important aspects into our own personality. This is also a form of overconfidence since we are so proud of who we are that we refuse to acknowledge , despite them being useful. Our competitive spirit also makes it difficult to appreciate others or easily accept defeat. Frustration also arises from our inability to get out of the small niche in which we have been fixed from the beginning of our career and all attempts of expanding that space seems futile. This frustration has only two solutions, change yourself or change your surroundings. People don’t suggest a job change easily, because it sometimes pushes you back to the starting point and all your previous efforts and work seems futile.

There are only a few changes you can absorb, but they might have a large impact if smartly used. A lot of students still need to master the skills of work management but confidence and ambition are a sure recipe to get you to your goals. You need to come out of the closet and start presenting yourself, as intelligently as you can. It is all about how well you make use of the opportunities given to you.

Maanvi Agarwal

8 TIPS TO HANDLE MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE

Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and
emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits, and privileges at the victim’s expense.
It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation.

Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda.

Most manipulative individuals have four common characteristics.:
1. They know how to detect your weaknesses.

2. Once found, they use your weaknesses against you.

3. Through their shrewd machinations, they convince you to give up something of yourself in order to serve their self-centered interests.

4. In work, social, and family situations, once a manipulator succeeds in taking advantage of you, he or she will likely
repeat the violation until you put a stop to the exploitation. Root causes for chronic manipulation are complex and deep-seated. But whatever drives an individual to be psychologically manipulative, it’s not easy when you’re on
the receiving end of such aggression.
How can one successfully manage these situations? Here are eight keys to handling manipulative people. Not all of the tips below may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilise what works and leave the rest.

1. Know Your FundamentalHuman Rights
The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognise when they’re being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights. On the other hand, if you bring harm to others, you may forfeit these rights. Following are some of our fundamental human rights.

• You have the right to be treated with respect.
• You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and wants.
• You have the right to set your own priorities.
• You have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty.
• You have the right to get what you pay for.
• You have the right to have opinions different than others.
• You have the right to take care of and protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
• You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life. These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries. Of course, our society is full of people who do not respect these rights.
Psychological manipulators, in particular, want to deprive you of your rights so they can control and take advantage of you. But you have the power and moral authority to declare that it is you, not the manipulator, who’s in charge of your life.
2. Keep Your Distance One way to detect a manipulator is to see if a person acts with different faces in front of different people and in different situations. While all of us have a degree of this type of social differentiation, some
psychological manipulators tend to habitually dwell in extremes, being highly polite to one individual and completely
rude to another—or totally helpless one moment and fiercely aggressive the next.

When you observe this type of behavior from an individual on a regular basis, keep a healthy distance, and avoid engaging with the person unless you absolutely have to. As mentioned earlier, reasons for chronic psychological manipulation are complex and deep-seated. It is not your job to change or save them.

3. Avoid Personalisation and Self-Blame Since the manipulator’s agenda is to look for and exploit your weaknesses, it is understandable that you may feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not satisfying the manipulator. In these situations, it’s important to remember that you are not the problem; you’re simply being manipulated to feel bad about yourself, so that you’re more likely to surrender your power and rights.

Consider your relationship with the manipulator, and ask the following questions:
• Am I being treated with genuine respect?
• Are this person’s expectations and demands of me reasonable?
• Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way or two ways?
• Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this relationship? Your answers to these questions give you important clues about whether the “problem” in the relationship is with you or the other person. For more in-depth information on reducing or eliminating over fifteen types of negative attitudes and feelings, see my book “How to Let Go of Negative Thoughts and Emotions.”