Thursday, June 26, 2003

The Secret Of His Success

In this article, it is said that noted herbalist and cultural observer Michael Savage Weiner writes in his bestselling book "Weiner’s Herbal,” that when you are feeling a little bit peaked, a little bit low --- and your dietary supplement, KavaAndroPhedraTest doesn’t get the blood pumping like it used to, a coffee enema might be in order.

According to Modern Manna, a prayer group and coffee enema web-site, "a coffee enema, when done properly, causes the liver to produce more bile, opens the bile ducts, and causes the bile to flow. In this process, a toxic liver can dump many of its toxins into the bile and get rid of them in just a few minutes."

There are many ways to mix your “backdoor pick-me-up,” but Savage Weiner's personal ingredient preference, and that which he says is the most important, are the high quality beans picked by child sex slaves in the Brazilian jungle. (The beans aren't any better, but he likes to support the productive corporate coffee producers who make their economy run efficiently.) And, needless to say, he does recommend that you cool that cup ‘o java down to less than 100 degrees (although “some like it hot.” )

There is one tiny little side-effect, however. He admits that if you repeatedly give yourself 10 to 15 coffee enemas a day, you may get addicted to the unusual “caffeine rush,” and then your liver begins to expell toxic right wing bile which you will fell compelled to spew in public. Sadly, the truly hooked often hit bottom and end up doing it in front of cameras purely for money. Apparently, they compulsively watch and listen to each other. Indeed, an entire industry exists to service this bizarre obsession.

Oddly, despite their strong stand against mind altering drugs, every single member of the Republican caucus in Washington refused to allow hearings about the growing caffeine enema crisis in rural America. Evidence suggests that the CE epidemic rivals the crystal meth and oxycontin problems throughout the Heartland, but oddly seems to be most prevalent around the Washington DC beltway, thus explaining the unusual number of Starbucks outlets in an area so proud of its “common touch” and connection with “real Americans.”

The only CE issue the congress acted upon was the so-called DeLay/Hatch “jitters” bill, which changed the name of French Roast cafe to Freedom Roast Java. (It passed the House handily, but required a very bright-eyed and fast-talking Vice President to break the tie in the Senate after midnight. It remains in conference where it is said that Folgers lobbyists have repeatedly passed their $150 “gift” limit. The “caffeine-conferees” as they are called, are determined to bring a bill to the president by labor day if they have to stay up night after night hashing out the differences.)

Weiner admits that coffee enemas are not for everyone. In fact, they are really only helpful for middle aged white males who are looking for new careers in the media or politics but are physically repulsive and have no talent. These are the people that CE’s are designed to help. For everyone else, Caveat Emptor.

And, take a pass on the non-dairy creamer. Real men take it strong and black.