Affirmative Parenting: Adult child winning power struggle

Posted: Tuesday, April 01, 2003

John RosemondOpinion

Q: We have a 20-year-old daughter, an only child, who feels we have no right to restrict her behavior. For one, she refuses to go to church with us. Her curfew is 1 a.m., but she often stays out later and has told me she will stay out as long as she pleases. I've discovered she occasionally drinks. Her father just wants peace. I think we should start enforcing the rules or tell her to leave. My daughter is very responsible and communication between us is usually good. It's just the rules thing. She contends that when she turned 19, she "graduated" from having to follow our rules. Am I being unreasonable? If not, how can I get my husband to support me?

A: I take no pleasure in informing people of such things, but you are your own worst enemy.

Your surveillance and vain attempts to control decisions made by a 20-year-old put you in the running for my Magnificent Maternal Micromanager of the Year Award, the Triple-M of parenting.

There is a difference between not liking decisions an adult child is making and trying to control them. If the issue is simply a matter of who's right, you are. Church is good (research finds that young people who attend church are much less likely to engage in self-destructive behavior), underage drinking is bad, and then there's the matter of living at home and having defiant disrespect for the fact that coming in at all hours is disturbing to one's parents. Being right does not justify your hyper-vigilant attempts to micromanage your daughter. All you've managed to do is create a power struggle that - now listen up! - you cannot possibly win. I agree with your husband: You need to let it go.

That said, your daughter definitely does not need to be living at home any longer. She is responsible enough to support herself and obviously does not want to abide by anyone else's rules. Therefore, she needs to be emancipated. Not ejected, mind you, but emancipated, joyously.

There will be no joy in her leaving home until you and your husband resolve the disharmony in your parenting. From your point of view, this disharmony results from your husband's unwillingness to back you when you and your daughter have conflict.

I have to ask: Is it possible that your husband recognizes, in your attempts to micromanage your daughter, something that feels very familiar to him? Does he identify with your daughter? Your letter leads me to suspect that passivity is his defense against your attempts to control, and that the more you attempt to control - him or your daughter - the more passive he becomes.

If I'm on the mark here, then this is fundamentally a marital issue, in which case I would strongly recommend that the two of you find a counselor who can help you put your marriage back on a right path, one that will enable the two of you to stand together, resolve parenting issues with your daughter, and emancipate her.

Under the present set of circumstances, your daughter's emancipation is likely to take place suddenly, without planning, and explosively.

Take it from someone who has helped two children through emancipations that were joyous for all concerned: You don't want it any other way.

John Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 E. 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at his Web site: www.rosemond.com