HOT DOCS 2012 – Glow: The Story of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (Paolo Kagaoan casts a fictional version of Glow)

Paolo here. Kirk and I keep seeing the same movies, which is going to be a problem unless we do doubleheaders all the time during the festival.

The first movie we saw together is Glow: The Story of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, about an all-female wrestling league of the same name that ran in between 1986-1990 and had short-lived revivals afterwards. Kirk’s review is also on the site and out respect for him I’ll forfeit mine. Although I’ll say that the movie has too conventional of a structure and its ‘feminist’ self-projections are kind of wonky for me, but I smiled and laughed more at this movie than any of the ones I’ve seen this year. And more importantly, it’s one of the few docs that can be source material for a feature film.

This idea came to me when the doc put its focus on Mt. Fiji and I kept thinking about Gabourey Sidibe, not just because of the size issue. Mt. Fiji as a character would be interesting to play, having the jovial, lovable quality despite of her toughness in the ring. She’s also had her share of health troubles after GLOW’s short run, which can make for some captivating drama.

What about the rest of the roles? Yes, GLOW fans, those wrestlers are irreplaceable. Many of the GLOW girls were healthy, Carrie Otis/Tia Carrere types with a Joan Jett/Jem doll kind of attitude. Exoticism and diverse body types are missing in the actress pool today. But here are some suggestions.

For the good girls:

Tina Ferrari (Her real name, never revealed on the doc, is Lisa Moretti . She also became WWE Champion ‘Ivory’. She apparently was the focus of GLOW’s second season) – Lyndsy Fonseca. She’s known more as Bob Saget’s daughter in How I Met Your Mother but she was also in Hot Tub Time Machine, where she fearlessly climbed on John Cusack and then stabbed him with a fork. For training, that’s not bad.

Americana – Alison Brie. She shares the spotlight with the ensemble cast in Mad Men. This season her character Trudy is becoming more comfortable as a suburban housewife. She already gives hints of what she might become when she gets older. This will be helpful in any project with plots involving long time spans, if the movie chooses to show both the 80’s and the GLOW girls on present day.

Babe the Farmer’s Daughter – Hayden Panettiere. The actress has to be rewarded by being the best part of the hot mess known as Scream 4, and that reward should mean more work.

For the bad girls, whose personalities often had to do with fictionalized countries of origin:

Godiva (She actually made an appearance after our screening and still looks like the way she was in the 80’s) – Jennifer Lawrence. She proved that she can do a fake British accent in The Hunger Games, which is important because Godiva wasn’t really British. Besides, the other thing she proved in The Hunger Games was kicking ass.

Matilda the Hun (Who was often matched against Mt. Fiji) – Samantha Morton. Morton often plays vulnerable types but she showed her bad side in that scene in The Messenger where she tries to scare off men who were trying to recruit her son into the military. It might not be a bad idea to see another side of this actress.

Colonel Ninotchka (A bad girl who sometimes turns good) – Oksana Akinshina. Most of the accents in GLOW were fake (I was also thinking about blonde Emma Stone when I saw her) but what about casting a real Russian for a Russian role? You might know her in the Bourne series but her presence in Hipsters is impeachable and she can no longer be Russia’s cinematic secret.

Hollywood and Vine – Christa B. Allen and Emily Vancamp. Allen played young Jennifer Garner twice. The first time she did it was in 13 Going on 30 as a young girl in 1987, in her short scenes embodying what it’s like to be young in the 80’s. And I included her Revenge co-star Vancamp because I’m boring.

Heavy Metal Sisters/ Chainsaw and Spike – Kristen Stewart and Alison Brie. Both have been punks and rebels before, Stewart playing Joan Jett and Brie as Woody Harrelson’s troubled yet wise daughter in the underrated Rampart. And yes, guys, when she gives a crap, Kristen Stewart can act, okay?

Little Egypt – Nasim Pedrad. She finds different ways to play a whack job every week in Saturday Night Live, so why can’t Kristen Wiig’s heir apparent jump start her career with a movie like this?

GLOW co-founder Jackie Stallone (yes, Sly Stallone’s mother owned a wrestling league) – Barbara Hershey. She was intimidating enough as Natalie Portman’s mother in Black Swan but what about being a coach to more young women?

Mondo Guerrero, brother of Eddie and part of the Guerrero family of wrestlers. He trained the girls the proper wrestling moves and taught them how to evince pain. – Edgar Ramirez.

Tony Cimber, son of Jayne Mansfield, brother of Mariska Hargitay, director of the GLOW episodes who Mt. Fiji had a crush on – Emile Hirsch. Where has this guy been?

GLOW co-founder and President David MacLane – Vincent Kartheiser. That smarmy smile of his can only be described as perfect.

Seriously, think about a cast of 18-35 actresses, both known and unknown, beating each other up and occasionally performing politically incorrect sketches and rapping. It’s the worst idea ever but it’s also going to be awesome.