Patti is a veteran blogger who writes observational entries about her life that lead some to believe she’s making stuff up. She assures us she isn’t. She describes herself as Erma Bombeck meets Pioneer Woman meets Lucille Ball meets Calamity Jane.

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Oh Hail!

WOW! The storms that passed over San Antonio this morning were fierce!

First thing I heard from the weather dudes this morning was about the possibility for TEACUP SIZE HAIL. Wha….teacup size hail?! I thought I had misheard them until the station scrolled the words across the bottom of the screen. TEACUP SIZE HAIL POSSIBLE….

OH HAIL!

Husband went off to work and I got dressed. Which is unusual. If I’m out of my pjs by 9 AM, disaster can’t be far behind. I even went as far as to put on my running shoes, because you never know when you’re gonna need to sprint from a tornado.

Once dressed, I decided to clean a path into the garage for the car. Dexter the Wonder Pup was put in the backyard to do his thang, while I went to work rearranging the garage. Have I mentioned that I am one-eyed for the next week? Well, I am. Wait, I’m not literally sporting one eye, it’s more that I’m without one contact for one week, so I have one functional eye in the interim. Sporting one eye during FREAKOUT weather = Making life funz!

I cleaned out the garage and then offered a small prayer as I pulled the car into the tight space with a definite depth perception issue. I’m happy to say all mirrors remained intact, as well as painted surfaces.

After the car adventure, I figured I better get the closet ready should it come to that. I gathered my purse, camera (what? someone would have to document the mayhem.), large blankets, my sunglasses (the sun always comes out after storms and i have sensitive eyes. gosh.), and my bible. That’s right, I brought the Word of God with me. What if I needed inspiration once trapped by a felled tree in my closet for a week, while I tweeted for HALPS! on my phone?! It could happen.

As soon as the closet was secured, I put Dex in his harness and balled up his leash in my back pocket. This proved to be more of a problem than all the rest of the storm prep, because when Dex gets in his harness, and sees his leash (I didn’t hide it as quick as I thought) it’s time for a walk outside. I tried in vain to reason with him, but he just wouldn’t listen. I resorted to redirecting his focus with treats. It worked until he was full, but then he had to go outside to make a poop-stop.

Patti! Not helping!

I was glued to the television and the bright magenta and red radar images that everyone knows means impending DOOM! It was at that point I decided to open the front door to verify that there was indeed a terrible storm headed our way. Dex and I stood there, safe behind the glass storm-door, watching the gentle rain fall, when all of a sudden the tree across the street started a frenzied dance, a high pitched howl of wind followed as did a literal sheet of horizontal rain. I didn’t even bother to close the door, Dex and I bolted to the closet.

I leashed Dex and he sat on my lap, all 50 pounds of him. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. I didn’t know if it was his racing heartbeat or mine that I felt. We sat there listening to the hail hitting the roof and the high winds pushing around the trees.

Finally the storm passed. We emerged from the closet, checked the perimeter, assessed damage, got caught up on the latest radar colors and checked the rain gauge. Once I was sure the worst had passed, Dex came out of his harness; he was incredibly disappointed that it didn’t end with a walk, even if there was debris in the streets.

I ended the crisis with a stiff drink. Calm down! Not really. But, who would blame me? Instead, I updated my facebook status: “some have lost power. lots of hail. a small tornado or two. flash flooding. but Dex is out of harness. this concludes “from the closet” weather updates.”