Tuesday, May 7, 2013

RETCH on Mother's Day

If the advertisements are to be believed, every Mother’s
Day will begin with an elegant breakfast at a swank restaurant. While there, mothers
throughout the land will learn their children raided a piggy bank to provide
for the feast, thereby shaming Dad into buying a huge solitaire diamond- or
even a cluster of large diamonds. The average mom- according to advertisers-
will experience long, meaningful, romantic glances between she and her spouse
over the perfect card professing admiration and love. Then, throughout the day,
she will be waited upon hand and foot by her adoring family.

Reality rears its ugly head when Mom wakes up to
a R.E.T.C.H. breakfast and a kitchen laid waste in the effort.Of all the possible personalized kiddie gifts,
the RETCH (Runny Egg, Toast Charred to Hell) breakfast is undoubtedly the most
common. This annual culinary debacle is a group effort involving the kids, Dad,
and the dog.

The kids are responsible for producing the eggs
and toast. The endeavor begins long before the honoree wakes up. It’s important
to get the jump on Mom by preparing the R.E.T.C.H. breakfast while she’s still
in bed, before she can make good her escape.Dad's primary responsibility is to serve as the
safety supervisor. His duties are making sure the fire extinguisher is nearby
during the breakfast's preparation, and hustling the kids out of the bedroom
immediately after the R.E.T.C.H. is served.

"C'mon kids, let's give Mom a little quiet
time so she can enjoy her breakfast. Ol' Butcher will stay here and keep her
company."As usual, the dog’s job is to protect its
mistress. Mom usually let's Dad know the dog has done its job with, "The
dog needs to go outside... NOW."

Keeping the dog outside after Mom has finished breakfast
not only protects the carpet, but also prevents potentially embarrassing
questions like, "Mommy, why does Ol' Butcher's breath smell like when we
burn the trash?"

Undoubtedly, the most cherished Mother's Day
gift from children is the handmade card. Little people take the card making
task very seriously, and Moms know best how to appreciate them, even if they
don't understand them.

"Mom, I made a card for you.""Oh thank you Buford, that's beautiful. That
must be..."