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RACHEL ZOE PHOTOCAP: Oh my God. It’s a Sedersaster

We’ve seen a lot of wacky stuff on The Rachel Zoe Project, but the image of Rachel assembling a Passover Seder while wearing a turban and a giant black cloak may truly be the wackiest sight yet. Yes, it was another strange and daffy episode in the world of Zoe, and this one was marked by not only strange culinary impulses, but also lots of bickering. Rodger was crabby as usual, and this time he unleashed his “Rodgertude” during a fun video shoot involving Rachel and Amy Phillips (the comedienne best known for lampooning Rachel herself on YouTube). I was actually really excited to see Rachel and Amy meet face to face, but alas, the scene focused more on the intra-marital drama than anything else (meanwhile, the resultant video was sadly not as amusing as I would have hoped; although, it did have its moments).

Amusingly enough, this drama was followed by Rachel navigating through a local grocery store, an act that was ironically mocked extensively in Amy’s prescient video. Watching Rachel attempt to assemble ingredients (including the dreaded gefilte fish from a jar) was nothing short of hilarious / sad. In the end, she did manage to pull off the dinner, but only because she truly only made a salad and let her workerbees do the rest (which did involve fetching premade items from Whole Foods).

There was also a lot of drama about Rodger wanting a baby and some lame crisis involving Molly Simms and a photoshoot, but we don’t really care about that. Photocap after the jump…

“Rodge? Rodge?”“Yes. I’m right here.”“Can we go over the story of Passover?”“Sure.”“So, like, it starts with Moses at a premiere.”“No. Moses is in Egypt.”“Oh. At the Egyptian Oscars.”“No. He’s just in Egypt.”“Oh. Because the Egyptian Oscars are ba. na. nas.”“This is before the time of Oscars.”“Wait, when does Moses capture the turkey?”“He doesn’t.”“So why am I making turkey?”“I don’t know.”“Oh my God. I’m so confused.”

Rachel: “I’m texting the Bing. I want to know if it can cook my turkey tonight.”“What if the Bing already has Seder plans?”“Oh my God. That’s like Seder suicide.”“I’m scared.”“You may have to cook the turkey.”“I hate turkey.”“Don’t have a Braditude.”“I’m nervous. My heart is racing.”“Maybe you’re developing an irBRADular heartbeat.”“And now I feel sick to my stomach.”“You need some Milk of BRADnesia.”“I don’t want to die.”“If you die, I die.”“It will be like a domino effect, but with only two dominos.”“Death dominos.”“I want pizza.”“Oh my God. Like LITERALLY, avoid the Noid.”“I don’t know if I can avoid the Noid.”“Did you try?”“I mean, I can try.““Oh my God. The Noid is having a princess moment.”“So Princess.”“I die for the Noid. I die. The Noid is shutting. it. down.”

“Oh my God. There’s another me next to me. Why are there two of me? Am I her? Like LITERALLY, this is blowing my mind.”Rodger: “She’s an actress.”“Oh. Why?”“Why is she an actress?”“No. Why is she here?”“She’s playing you.”“Me? Who’s playing her.”“No one.”“Why is no one playing her? Did she die?”“No.”“Is she a ghost actress?”“No.”“Oh my God. We have to style her for her ghost premiere.”“There is no ghost premiere.”“Did it get cancelled? Oh my God. They didn’t tent the premiere. This is a ghost tentsaster.”“She’s not a ghost.”“Then who is?”“Nobody.”“Oh my God. Don’t be pissy.”“I’m not pissy. But we have work to do, and you’re talking about ghosts.”“Oh my God. There’s more than one ghost?”“No. There are no ghosts.”“Am I a ghost?”“No.”“If I were a lesbian ghost, I would get behind Demi and make pottery with her.”“Yes, I’m aware.”“Do you know where I got the idea for that?”“Where?”“Ghost.”“Yes, yes. You love that movie.”“Oh my God. Babe.”“What, babe?”“You can hear me.”“Of course I can, babe.”“Have you spoken to Whoopi? She can speak to ghosts too.”“That was a movie.”“They made a movie about Whoopi’s ability to talk to ghosts?”“Whoopi Goldberg doesn’t speak to ghosts.”“Oh.”“Can we move on?”“But I saw her talk to a ghost.”“That was in a movie.”“Which movie?”“Ghost.”“Where?”“No, that’s the name of the movie.”“Don’t have a Rodgertude.”“I’m just trying to get work done.”“Is it hard to work when ghosts talk to you? Like, I would die. Die.”“No ghosts are talking to me.”“Why do ghosts like pottery?”“Rach.”“Oh my God. I need to make a call.”“Who are you going to call?”“Ghostbusters.”“Please focus.”“Oh my God. There’s something strange in the neighborhood.”“No there isn’t.”“Like LITERALLY, an invisible man sleeping in my bed.”“Put down the phone.”“Rodge?”“What?”“Like, I ain’t afraid of no ghost.”Brad: “I am.”

“Oh my God. Rodger. You’re being a bitch.”“I’m not being a bitch. No one was paying attention!”“That’s because you have a Rodgertude.”“I don’t have a Rodgertude.”“LITERALLY you have a Rodgertude.”“I’m getting a Rodgertude the more you say I have a Rodgertude, babe.”“I don’t need this. I have a turkey to cook.”“Fine. Cook your turkey.”“I hate turkey.”“Why are you even cooking the turkey then?”“Because turkey is so vintage right now, and I love me a vintage turkey moment.”“Seems stupid.”“The turkey is not stupid.”“No, the whole idea of the turkey is stupid.”“The turkey had an idea?”“No.”“Did you talk to the turkey?”“No. We haven’t even bought the turkey yet.”“So why is it sharing ideas with you?”“It’s not.”“Oh my God. Are you taking business advice from a turkey?”“No.”“My company is not to be run by a turkey.”“It’s not!”“Oh my God. This is a managementsaster.”

Brad: “What do you think?”“I think Bree will look amazing in that.”“No. For me.”“Oh. Unclear.”

“Oh my God. What is this?”Marissa: “It’s cheese.”“It’s too heavy. I need to rest. Oh my God. This is a Passoversaster.”

“Oh my God. Where is the turkey? I need a turkey. Like, LITERALLY, there’s no turkey. This is a turkeysaster.”Rodger: “We’ll find one.”“Oh my God. Do they only sell turkeys in Turkey? Rodge? Rodge, ask the Bing. Ask the Bing if it can book two tickets to Turkey, like, right now. Like, now.”“I’m not going to do that.”“Tell them to have a turkey ready for us at the gate. Oh my God. Can we bring a turkey through customs? Literally, I don’t think I have the strength to have my turkey confiscated. Like, no.”

“Oh my God. I’m literally chopping carrots in a turban and cloak with a chunky necklace. Just like Moses. Oh my God. We have to style Moses, like, every day. How do we style Moses? Brad? Brad? Where’s Brad? He needs to ask the Bing how to go back in time so we can style Moses.”

“Oh my God. What are these? They’re like cucumbers, but like, cucumbers are long and these are like squares. Do they make square cucumbers? Oh my God. I have to tell Demi. I love me a square vegetable.”

“LITERALLY, I don’t know how to open this. It, like, makes me sick how trapped these veggies are. Do you think if I wave the box around, it will open? Oh my God. I’m waving it. Like, nothing’s happening. Oh my God. I had to stop. I’m out of breath. Like LITERALLY I feel dizzy. Oh no. It’s the vertigo. Rodge? Rodge? I have vertigo. I need a chair. I might die. Like… I’m dying. I see the light. And it’s shining on the cucumbers. Someone tell the cucumbers I love them, and I’m sorry I couldn’t set them free. I die. I die.”

“Oh my God. I can’t be near raw turkey. I hate it. Like, I hate it so much that sometimes I call turkey ‘Taylurkey.’ Oh my God. Where is Tay? I have to tell Tay that joke. Tay? Tay?”

“Oh my God. I love this baby. She’s my blessed jewel. I want to keep her as an accessory. Like, LITERALLY, she’s like the anti-turkey.”

“Oh my God. I lost my sunnies.”“I think they’re behind you, Rach.”“Oh my God. Why are they following me?”“I think you left them there actually.”“I’m being stalked by my sunnies. Like, I feel sick.”“Are you going to throw up?”“Unclear.”“Don’t throw up on me.”“If I throw up, I’ll throw up on my sunnies.”“Ew!”“That will teach them. I love me a vomit revenge moment.”

I will be thinking about the Noid having a Princess Moment all day. Awesome.

This episode made me a little sad. I absolutely watch to enjoy Rachel and her crazy self-absorption and obsession with clothes and celebrity, but this time she seems really pathetic. Talking about her clothes giving her a hug when she has someone in her life that loves her (not to mention puts up with crazy ass). Get a grip, woman! I think someday you might be really lonely.