A Letter From HR To The Woman Who Used The Toilet Before Me

Aadarniya sahyog, aapko mera pranaam.

First off, let me congratulate you on this milestone achievement. I and my entire team of fellow women are celebrating you having successfully navigated all social taboos and released your body’s waste into the commode.

We do understand that this is an undertaking into which you have dedicated a lot of your time, 20 minutes to be precise. Making sure that you perform to the best of your abilities, even when 6 of us were waiting outside your stall.

That is a level of dedication and chutiyapa we are proud to have witnessed in our lifetime. Bravo.

However, there are some simple pointers we would like to go over with you in the course of this letter. Do however let me know in the case that you would like to personally discuss these grievances with me. I do understand that your job and trips to the toilet take up a good chunk of your day, added to these are those smoke breaks you absolutely cannot seem to do without.

Coming back to the issues I hope to address in this letter, I will list them below for convenience.

– Time Management

I would like to propose a deadline in which I require you to meet your goals. Because while I understand the need for you to spend at least 30 minutes in the loo every now and then, entire civilizations rose and fell by the time you decided to vacate the bathroom last Monday.

It would be more productive for your butt and the butts of the remainder of the team if you could streamline your process so that we can all take a dump before we’re fucking ninety.

In the case you would like our assistance with the above, feel free to contact HR who will happily provide you with fiber supplements to ease the process.

– Resource Optimization

As an organization, we are happy to provide you with all the tools you need to get the job done. However, other employees have noticed a drastic redirection of these resources in your favour which can be understandably misconstrued as favouritism.

It would work far smoother for everyone if you could make certain that you don’t finish the entire bloody roll everytime you decide to head to the loo.

– Feedback Chain

As an organization, we have noticed that constructive feedback is helpful, especially in the case of those employees who aren’t feeling motivated enough to perform their tasks creatively and efficiently. Honestly, the thought to wipe your excrement off the damn toilet seat should be a reward and motivation in itself- but we were clearly wrong.

So the next time you sense someone is destroying the toilet, feel free to knock loudly on the door to remind them to clean up after themselves. And be warned, the same exercise will apply to you the next time you’re in there for ten minutes but leave the place looking like Trump’s foreign policy.

We believe with these simple tools, we can all use the toilet to the best of our abilities without having to disrupt anyone else’s workflow. Or any flow of any kind.