Dorothy Parker trapped in a Breck Girl

What To Expect When You’re Expecting In Arizona

Hey, everybody! I’m pregnant! But if you’re a woman, so are you! That is, if you have a period and you live in Arizona. Sorry to the men out there who are reading this and don’t want to get into all this icky female stuff, but it’s official government news now. You know, since the government is in charge of when a woman is pregnant and when she isn’t.

Arizona has finally decreed it. They’ve had it up to here (if you can’t see me, I am holding my hand up to my forehead) with the fighting about conception and when is a baby a real baby. Or a real person. Or a person with rights. Or a little person with more rights than the person who is incubating it. Anyways, they’ve had it up to here (see above) with the infighting and the picketing and the liberal, baby-killing politicians, so they have made a decision! A woman is officially pregnant two weeks before conception. So that’s, like… almost all women!

I’m really proud of Arizona for their forward thinking. First of all, the government can now help get these expectant mothers the prenatal healthcare they need before they even conceive. Or maybe just healthcare for preventative measures. Or maybe just health care. That’s smart thinking, Arizona!

And imagine this: The partner can be there for their wife/girlfriend/one-night-stand before the baby is even thought of. Perhaps a dinner can be arranged before the actual deed is done. Maybe a conversation can be had? First names exchanged between the two people? I don’t want to push things too far…

You see, if the lawmakers decree a baby is a baby two weeks before conception, via bill HB 2036, this means the woman only has 18 weeks, not 20 weeks, to decide to terminate a pregnancy because the baby happened before she even had sex. The baby’s life would start the first day of the mother’s last period. The baby would exist before the mother committed the act. So it would be like a Minority Report baby!

What other events will Arizona retroactively date and call truth for their citizens? What documents can they fix to bend the laws to their favor? Am I always going to be pregnant from now on? I really could use the excuse to eat more frozen yogurt. If I’m already pregnant I’d like the state to start sending me my child benefits now. I get some sort of Mommy and Me discount on stuff, right? Do I get to pick which future dad is the one who is the father? Or does the State of Arizona already know?

I wonder if in Arizonaland you can get pregnant just by thinking about having sex with someone. Because there’s this guy I’m crazy about and he is really sexy… Uh oh. I think I feel morning sickness coming on.