Sexist Beatdown: WHO Put WHAT in the HUH Now? Edition

Friends: let me tell you a story, now. This is a story, not unlike that related by The Brady Bunch, of a lovely lady. A lovely lady named Amanda Hess at the Washington City Paper’s The Sexist, that is! She was blogging on the Internet about ladies for a while, when one day she happened upon a second lady doing the very same thing, but in more unprofessional fashion. The role of That Other Lady will be played, of course, by me!

So these two chicks got to chatting on the Internet every once in a while, about artifacts and events appertaining to the ladybusiness. It went really well. Really super well! And then, one day, out of the blue, these two ladies discovered that they could just straight-up talk about some vaginas if they wanted to. In quite some detail, it turned about! And no-one would stop them! On the Internet, vaginas are welcome; they are, in fact, PAGEVIEW GOLD! Yes: These two ladies discovered that there was no impediment to either one of them just straight-out flat-out being like, “here are some thoughts about vaginas.” Furthermore, they were similarly permitted to share their thoughts on the anti-vagina, also known amongst scientists and cultural critics as “the human weiner!”

And that, dear Reader, is when these two ladies stopped being polite… and started getting REAL.

So, like: Female condoms. Folks don’t wear them much! Folks don’t want to wear them, apparently! That is something to chat about. Like, for example: WHY don’t they want to wear them? Does the immediate revulsion displayed by one of the chatting parties to the very concept of “female condom” constitute evidence that Sady Doyle has just gone ahead and basically become a sexist dude? What’s the most unexpected context in which you’d expect to see the words “minimum rustling?” And what can be done to increase, even fractionally, the popularity of this Female Condom all the kids are talking about? It turns out one of us has a solution!

ILLUSTRATION: Because, like, this is sexy, right?

AMANDA: Sorry I’m late: I was inserting my female condom in anticipation of having sex up to eight hours from now.

SADY: Amanda, you know how much I value our friendship. Which is why I want you to understand something. PLEASE NEVER SAY THE PHRASE “I WAS INSERTING MY FEMALE CONDOM” EVER EVER AGAIN.

AMANDA: Deal. But the next 30 minutes of this female condom chat are going to be excruciating for me

SADY: It’s hard for me to think of “female condom chats” WITHOUT thinking “excruciating.” I know I am judgey and a poor former condom merchant and/or safe sex advocate for feeling this way.

AMANDA: Hey Sady, we’re just two ladies hanging out talking frankly about our vaginas. The most natural thing for two women to talk about! (Actually we have talked a lot about vaginas, I am realizing, in this series).

SADY: Well, I guess we… have them in common? Okay, let’s talk about something that is NOT vaginas. Let’s talk about dicks. Because here’s how I feel about dicks.

AMANDA: I’m listening.

SADY: HERE’S HOW I FEEL ABOUT DICKS! Dicks don’t get pregnant. Dicks don’t get their periods. Dicks don’t get ANYTHING except boners, and also occasionally hilarious Hits in the Crotch on old episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

AMANDA: Haha, yeah!

SADY: Dicks have like one responsibility in the world, which is to put condoms on themselves when they are having the penetrative intercourse. AND NOW THEY’VE PUT THAT ONE ON US TOO?

AMANDA: Yes they have! And women around the world are as skeptical as you are. The thing about the female condom is that it’s really great for women who can’t force their male partners / clients whatever to use the male condom, and so they need a first line of defense

SADY: Yeah. Fair enough.

AMANDA: For women who don’t have that very terrible problem, though, I’m not seeing it really catching on. However, I have this idea that I would like to sell to the female condom manufacturers, which is that they give a grant to porn manufacturers who will work to eroticize the female condom in their work. So then one day like 10 years from now, old people will be like, “what are these ‘money shots’ and ‘bikini waxes’ and ‘female condoms’ the young kids are using nowadays?” And then there will finally be gender equity in condom sales.

SADY: Wow. Porn truly does solve everything! But can we go back to that “you won’t put on a condom and we need a barrier/STD-preventing method” thing?

AMANDA: Sure.

SADY: Because here’s my theory: You, A Dude, want to sleep with me. I, A Lady, am not sure if we are monogamous and/or STD free. You are like, “but baby, why can’t YOU put this bag up your bits?” I am like, “this is the quickest I have ever lost interest in a sexual encounter. See you later, dude!” Like: If you are not responsible enough to wear the condom, you’re not responsible enough to be having sex with me, basically.

AMANDA: Yeah. I have never heard of a man who would prefer the lady coat her vagina with a bag, but I did speak to one man who has sex with men who has used the female condom, and he had this to say about it: “When I’ve been a top—the insertive partner—what I’ve liked about the bottom wearing the device is that my penis wasn’t wrapped in plastic.” So, there’s that.

SADY: I mean, okay. Sure. I get that. Did your interview subject mention the fit issues? I mean, I hear it fits well, but the thing I have always admired about condoms — the skinny jeans of the birth control world — is that they are so specifically tailored. Does the female condom, according to your journalistic research, share this virtue?

AMANDA: OK, so I’m not going to repeat the phrase that must never be repeated.

SADY: OH JEEZ.

AMANDA: But I did shminshmert the shmemale shcondom the other day, when I was, you know, just hanging out and bein’ a lady, and it does, like shconform to the insides of your shvagina.

SADY: Okay, so here’s the thing: you like put it in and then hang out, though? Like, actually that might be a virtue! Because you don’t have to go through that “oh crap where are the condoms rummage rummage rummage HANG ON additional rummaging” deal.

AMANDA: Well, you don’t have to hang out, but you can hang out. (Up to eight hours before intercourse!) I mean, personally, I never really stopped feeling it so I wouldn’t exactly suggest it. But maybe you get used to it. The thing is, nobody like, actually prefers sex with a condom, but it’s a necessity in a lot of sexual situations, and it’s conceivable that some couples might prefer the female condom. I just think it’s really difficult to get that trend to pick up enough speed that those specific people a) actually try the condom and b) feel comfortable using it.

SADY: Oh, sure. And let me respond to your very serious and useful and responsible point with this: I am one of those people who occasionally gets all “OH WHAT THE CRAP WHERE ARE MY GLASSES,” and looks for them for about fifteen minutes, and then looks at A MIRROR, and is like, “oh.” I have looked for my headphones whilst wearing my headphones. If I ever shminsmerted the shmemale shmondom, basically it would be in there for life, is what I’m saying. I would seriously forget about it.

AMANDA: Yeah, the other thing is, like, peeing? You will have to pee at some point.

SADY: Oh, yeah, THAT.

AMANDA: Because it’s really a full-coverage device, so I imagine it would get some pee on it? Perhaps there is some sort of accessory you can buy that aids in that process.

SADY: God. Somehow this ends with people getting like a female condom and one of those Shenis things you pee through and vajazzling ALL OF IT and… So yeah, I think we’ve established that I am one of those backward ladies that is like, “a FEMALE condom? Never!” Although, yeah, new barrier methods are good. That’s undeniably true. And now, based on my reactions, I can see what it would be like to be one of those “I hate condoms” dudes. I HAVE BECOME THE THING I HATED.

AMANDA: And now I know what it’s like to walk around with a condom in my vagina. Minimum rustling, I must say!

SADY: Okay, like, I have to say… Nobody is making these dudes put the condoms on over their lunch breaks so that they can come and have sexy dates with us later.

AMANDA: That’s the weirdest thing about the female condom promotion, to me: They say that because you can pre-insert it, it “doesn’t interrupt lovemaking.” But it interrupts, like, other shit? Like my lunch break, or my peeing schedule, or what have you.

SADY: Yeah. I mean, I think your idea for a line of Female Condom-Centric Porn is actually a good one. Because right now this is like the least erotic idea in the world. But… dude condoms weren’t initially perceived as a great idea, EITHER?

AMANDA: Right.

SADY: Like, I read this old issue of I think Cosmo from the sixties or seventies once, for a feminist media project, and it had this “revolutionary” article about all the different kinds of birth control there were. And condoms were mentioned. And the article, AS I RECALL (I am not quoting) was like, “I know you think these are for prostitutes, but you can use them too,” and also they interviewed a guy who had tried this Strange New Birth Control Method, and he was like, “OMG so unnatural! Like having sex with a garbage bag!” And now it’s just like… condoms, you know? They’re at Duane Reade, they’re understood to be commonplace, and nobody wants to hear you whine about them. Like I said: The very NOTION of a condom that I myself might wear has somehow transformed me into a person who thinks like a gross-ish dude.

AMANDA: Yes. And either you’ll look back on this moment 30 years from now and say, “That is the moment I officially became an old person who is resistant to change,” or, “That is the moment I officially became an old person because I even know what a female condom is, and no young people have ever heard of that shit, in the Future.” Time will tell!

SADY: Right. When we’re all wearing our Holo-Helmets and having Virtual Sex on our Google Entire Fake Universe Dates, the female condom, and indeed the male one, will be unnecessary. I for one look forward to that day.

This was written by Sady. Posted on Friday, March 19, 2010, at 4:19 pm. Filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow comments here with the RSS feed. Both comments and trackbacks are currently closed.

I, personally, have never found it difficult to keep a male condom nearby. Then again, I am the kind of person who also carries a toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, and fire-starter in their backpack; basically, kind of a Boy Scout, is what I mean. So I suppose YMMV, but wearing a rustly thing in my cooch that keeps me from peeing seems like an unfortunate idea.

Although if it’s as un-obnoxious as the menstrual cup, I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad. I hear this is the case with diaphragms at least. (Seriously, you guys. Menstrual cups. SO much the superior solution.)

I’m sorry, I just can’t even get into a discussion about female condoms without imagining a dude and a lady having sex, and BOTH OF THEM ARE WEARING CONDOMS, and how much that amuses me for a reason I can’t even explain.

Waaaay back in 1996, in Sex Ed Class, the Sex Educator asked us what the advantages of the Shmemale Schmondom might be. My 14-year-old response was basically “so you don’t have to interrupt the momentum to go put on a condom?” The Sex Educator was basically AGHAST and explained that interrupting the momentum was NOT A CONCERN when choosing a Safer Sex Protection Method. And I was shamed into never opening my mouth in that class again. And then I got a little older and started HAVING sex and, the momentum thing? *Is* kind of important. But not as important as my ability to pee before sex. Because seriously.* Thanks for another insightful, incise-ful Beatdown.

*(This may be TMI, but yes, I find it’s more comfortable all around if I pee IMMEDIATELY before sex. Which comes with its own momentumful issues. Where was THAT in your spiel, Ninth Grade Sex Educator Person?)

Hilarious. I will now evaluate all objects in terms of rustling potential.

However, your view on dicks is, ahem, unduly rosy. Even ignoring the menace of a cock-punch, you should account for the cognitive effects. Like thinking with one’s dick, or dick-waving contests. (For the unfamiliar, that’s a metaphor: think stags battling it out with racks of antlers.) A vagina-waving contest just isn’t the same thing.

Woah, the kid in me who had an awesome mentor who happened to be a safer sex educator would like to say VERY VEHEMENTLY, that you should NEVER wear a female condom while having sex with someone wearing another condom. The possibility of ripping is high. Ripping is bad.
Only wear ONE condom at a time people, one per sex act. So like… if it’s just you and a friend, one condom, if it’s you and two friends and the friends are both doing sexy sexy things to you (or you to them) and it’s happening at the same time, TWO condoms are necessary. Condoms are not at all a one per customer type dealy.

I guess I’m saying that the thought that makes Charley laugh makes me cringe in anxiety for the imaginary sex participants.

Sady, you made me laugh out loud, and I swear to god I’m printing this shit out on a million reams of paper and posting it all over this freaking town.
Also, maybe I’ll experiment with le Female Shmondom. I’m married to the kind of man who wore a condom with out complaint or hassle, but I’m curious about this new female condom business and I’m just batty over the idea of safe sex, in all it’s beautiful forms.

Sady, I usually really like your posts, but I have to say that I was a bit let down by this one. You spent a whole post talking about female condoms without mentioning, at all, the benefit of having a STD-reducing condom that *doesn’t require any of the partners to possess a penis*.

Condoms being the responsibility of the man only works if every person a woman has sex with is going to be a cis man. If that’s not the case, female condoms are kind of important. Also! Not something that was talked about, at all, in any sex ed class I had.

@Mel: My experience as a latex-allergy-having-lady-person has been that there are not nearly as many kinds of polyurethane (ie non-latex) condoms on the market. Durex makes one kind, trojan makes one kind. That’s it, no sizes, no nothing, just one kind from each major brand. And polyurethane is not as stretchy as latex, so if your partner happens to have an (even slightly) larger than average penis, it can be a pretty serious comfort issue. I was a little weirded out by the female condom, but I actually got excited when I heard it was non-latex. Also, if someone wants to go into the condom business, I’m pretty sure there is a market for polyurethane condoms in different sizes. I did some internet research and it seemed like a common problem with no real solution (although maybe the female condom is the solution?).

I like this post, I like it a lot. I do share Bonasi’s concern, though. Aside from that, I think there should be LOTS more talking about safe sex options. For one, in the advanced classes in my high school they did not find it necessary to do any of that sex ed stuff. Maybe they thought we would all be spending too much time in the library to have sexy, uninformed encounters (which was largely true. for a while.) Basically I never really considered, until in a SUPER serious monogamous relationship with a dude, that I would desire any other form of protection against pregnancy (since we had been tested and STDs were not a concern). And the only other form of pregnancy protection that I was aware of was The Pill. The Pill did not go well for me! I did not know about the female condom until years later. It does not sound like an option I am into but I think it SHOULD be more of an option. I think that this dialogue should be so ubiquitous that you do not need to have had Sex Ed to have even heard of it. Also, I consider, and have since I was a sexually active and insecure teenager, that if the person you are about to get into sexy shenanigans with cannot have a conversation about the possibility of disease or pregnancy and the need for protection, then that person does not need to be having sex with anyone, and especially not with me. Males who will not even buy their own condoms rate about equivalent with people who get squeamish about mentioning menstruation on a maturity scale and will be promptly forced to leave my naked presence. Related: the menstrual cup IS amazing! It has made my life so much easier!

Bonasi, you are not me and I am not you and I do not expect that the two of us, being different people, have the exact same likes and dislikes about safer sex methods.

But in my own safer sexing with other ladies’ ladybits, I have found that the dental dam, the glove, and the male version of the condom for use on insertive toys all work beautifully. With minimum rustling. For myself, I can’t imagine wanting to use a female condom instead.

So I am delighted that this option is available to those who want to use it, but if I were once again out in the world having safer sex with people of any gender I can’t imagine wanting to use it myself. But then again, I don’t eat pudding, either, which means more for everyone else (more pudding, and more female condoms, and if someone wants to use the two together I WON’T JUDGE).

Assuming that you can see the female condom — and considering that you can’t pee while wearing it, and also that it protects against herpes better than the male condom, I’m imagining that there’s a totally noticeable amount of vulva coverage — I’m kind of guessing that there’s probably a lot of overlap between the sort of person who would force unprotected sex on an unwilling partner and the sort of person who would object to his partner wearing a female condom.

I am sadly disappointed by this TMI post – it contains not enough TMI. My erogenous lady-bits are mostly outside my vajazzlay (that is the correct spelling these days, no?), and I want to know how these erogenous bits are affected by the female condom. Sex: it’s not just about avoiding babies – it’s also about getting off.

Bonasi and CassieC make very interesting points, and now I too am curious about the possible applications of the FC2 for sex acts other than PiV penetration.

The outer ring doesn’t look big enough for it to give a lot of protection during oral stimulation, but I’d imagine it stays in place better than a dental dam. I almost wish there were a version with a larger outer ring that would act as a condom/dental dam fusion and perhaps avoid the dental dam’s pesky tendency to cling to one’s face when one inhales. (Dental dams: beneficial to sexual health, but not necessarily to breathing. :/)

i think i’ll go ahead and write a massively long comment, as it seems i’ve thought about this a lot.

1.) no, they’re not cheap (at least not when i bought em that one time) and they do weird guys out, so, probably nobody knows what it’s actually like to have man-woman vaginal sex using these things. in that sense, as a method of birth control, they’re VERY effective.

2.) i am not to be trusted in these matters, as my experiments are not very scientific. any number of things could be causing me not to get laid.

3.)BUT, i’m just not sure whether they are really, truly, inherently grosser and more humiliating than the male version, or if it’s just a matter of certain things being commonplace and acceptable.

4.) i suspect female condoms would kill far fewer erections if they were in common usage and not thought of as hideous and taboo and only to be resorted to in some kind of a crisis (e.g. ‘this guy won’t wear a condom, wtf’).

5.) in that world, and if it weren’t for the babies thing which kind of skews the scale of whose health is at greater risk, we could flip a coin as far as i’m concerned, or just DECIDE, e.g. that female condoms are too creepy and expensive, or whatever. ideally we’re talking about two equal, equally horny, people; ideally, then, one person’s experience and body should be just as important as the other’s. the fact that i, the woman, could potentially have a lot more to deal with as a result is a convenient way to decide who has to put on the sheath nobody really likes wearing, though it could also go the other way, like, if you want to go to the construction site and don’t wear a helmet, is it the falling brick’s fault your brains got smashed out? of course, men are human beings so it’s no good equating them with bricks.

but if female condoms were more commonly used and less commonly stigmatized and freaked out over, we wouldn’t really be able to take for granted that the condom is the guy’s inconvenience to deal with. women have a lot of inconveniences all along the reproductive cycle, so then is a condom a form of punishment, or more like a handicap in a golf game, or what? i may have that metaphor wrong.

to rephrase: is the male condom a form of chivalry?

i mean a girl can blame a guy for plenty of things he actually actively DOES, and yes he should appreciate that he’s privileged with not having to deal with certain things, and yeah that could be a reason for him to wear a condom during sex, i dunno, for solidarity? sure, that works. but the fact that i am a woman is not IN ITSELF a hardship to be mitigated, or at least i’m not sure i’m willing to admit it is. which, the more i think about it, is what i sort of have to do in order to win the condom argument. there are political disadvantages to being a woman, and there are physical differences that seem unfair but i’m not prepared to say i’m weaker for them and NEED to have a door held open for me..during sex. um, yeah, nice turn of phrase there..moving on… i just wonder, if all other things were really truly equal, would we then decide that we prefer to use male condoms cause they are the most sensible option? we may never know. at this point i’m pretty sure i’m still pissed if a guy won’t wear one.

6.) i DID read somewhere that the female condoms CAN provide clitoral stimulation during intercourse, so there’s one possible plus. again, i can’t confirm this.

I am interested to hear that female condoms actually do schmonform to one’s schmaginal walls. I was under the impression, courtesy of really weird illustrations from my elementary school sex-ed class (there was a bird with stripey legs! Talking about not letting people touch you in your bathing suit area! Did nobody else in the whole world get handed this curriculum?!?!! It is very memorable but no one else remembers it and I am starting to worry that I hallucinated the whole thing), that the female condom was sort of just like a really big male condom crossed with one of those polyester tunnel things they have for ferrets? Like, just sort of a cylindrical bag with a flat side at the schmervix end of the business and an open end at the other, with a little latex ring thing like what’s on man-condoms that you were supposed to somehow stretch over your various and sundry bits so that it would not just be entirely pushed into your schmagina at first thrust.

Having heard that it is indeed possibly something that might actually work and not feel like having a plastic grocery bag in there, I might have to try one!

Also, even if they were like that, it would be preferable to some of the kids at my high school’s awesome alternative to male condoms: since they are Too Tight because every dude has a ridonkulously huge penis apparently, they would use Ziploc bags. OW OW OW. SEAMS. POINTY SHARP SEAMS ON THE OUTSIDE. And also REALLY LIKELY TO NOT actually prevent any kind of STD or pregnancy or complete and total loss of dignity. SEX EDUCATION: it is important.

*raises hand* I have successfully used these objects during heterosexual penetrative intercourse. Twice, actually, because I got two for free at PP, and my newly de-virginated boyfriend was up for anything.

The first time, because we were so new at it, there was no interrupting of momentum as I taught him to incorporate the donning of the protective gear into foreplay. There was lots of giggling and lots of lube and it worked great. The outer ring was near the outside erogenous zones, but it didn’t bother us. He liked it, I didn’t mind it.

The second time, I suspect we didn’t use enough lube because holy CRAP it did not work. Possibly the difference also had to do with the fact that in the first case, we were on our second or third round of the night (I did mention he was recently de-virginized), and in the second case it was first thing in the morning.

So, would use again if they were free, but male condoms suit our needs. The key is to stay relaxed and lube up. I would not want to insert the thing prior to intercourse. Ew.

Okay, I get that I am extremely late to this party, but? I beg to differ. I actually prefer sex with a condom. Because sex without a condom is messy, like, not only right then, but pretty much for the rest of the day. Or night, you know, whatever.

I am on hormonal birth control and have been in an exclusive relationship for four and a half years, and we use condoms every time, which we will continue to do after we both get surgically sterilized, because to do otherwise would cause goo to drip out of places afterwards and that is just not on.

Well I like them. I have tried them 2 times and am waiting for my bf (who says “they make it harder to feel close to you” than man condoms) to say we can try the third one I have, because my boss at the condom co op where i work gave me three and I really want to use them all. They remind me of the Pleasure Plus male condom (it has a deliberately saggy part) because there is slippery friction which I think is so neat. But I haven’t gotten used to the outer ring yet. And the fc2 website was infantalizing to ladies which made me not want to support them. But it comes with 3ccs of lube which is just so excessive and fun. They cost me a dollar at my co op, which is 8 times as much as male condoms, so if my bf liked them I would make them a sometimes treat and splurge on 2 a month or something.