Friday, December 11, 2009

WWHM Blames Porn Vol. XXXXVI: The Lecture

Do you have a pornstar appettite for sex?- 42M

Women get upset at men for watching porn but the truth is this is because men get tired of women that are not good in bed. We have fantasies about women and watch fantasy acts in porn because women won't participate in them in real life because most women aren't kinky or adventuorus. Also women in porn seem to enjoy performing oral sex on men but women in real life do not. Why doesn't a woman want to do something knowing that it pleased him so much?

Some women seem to enjoy sex a little bit but most women dont enjoy sex as much as women in porn do even if their acting. Most women forget about sex and don't like it and some women don't have any interest in sex at all. It's not as important to women and they don't want it so they are not good in bed or act uninterested in sex. Women in porn act like a man would want a woman to act in bed, they make it this way to appeal to men. They wear sexy outfits and men are turned on by this so it makes for a better sexual response in real life.

I am looking for an attractive and sexy woman with a pornstar sex drive and a sense of adventure. Maybe it is you? Me: 42, average looking, not ugly, 7 inchs long, 51/2 around, shaved. You must perform oral sex on me until I cum, it is hard to make me cum from oral sex so you will have your work cut out for you. Be dirty and wear your sexiest outfit!

Please attach a current photo with your response.

Brandon

We feel your pain, ladies.

Just when you start to feel comfortable diving headfirst into a virtual relationship, a new league of impotent male incompetents manage to dump their intellectual stool samples into the online dating pool. But fear not, ladies, as their Downey-soft erections exhibit no more rigidity than the freshly shampooed mane of a gold-ribbon showpony. Rather, we invite you to take solace at WWHM Headquarters, where we're proud to offer fresh guava juice and Nilla wafers to your right, and a state-of-the-art vagina resuscitation device to your left. We've also acquired a considerable stack of Febreze coupons and a pair of tweezers, so join WWHM as we parse through a few stool samples and identify the nuts.

Nuts like Brandon, for example, who recently released his hands and a flurry of middle-aged moths from his BattleBots briefs to scribe a personal ad based upon the intricate plotline of Meerkat ManWhore IV: Strike of the One-Eyed Snake. Deftly sidestepping trivial matters such as personal interests and accomplishments, Brandon instead garnishes his penis with heavily fortified numbers and serves up a wholly unsatisfying dish of male ineptitude and ignorance regarding the female libido. Brandon, if you'd like to re-create how women feel about your personal ad, here's a little experiment you can try at home: Dump a bucket of ice water on a cat.

Brandon nevertheless ignites the weak flicker of his philosophical heat lamp in a failed effort to melt the rigid clitoricicles of his potential female conquests. As women flee like gazelle from a low-flying helicopter, Brandon chastises the fairer sex for their lack of enthusiasm in bed, suggests women doll themselves up like porn stars, and concludes by unequivocally demanding a blowjob in order to qualify for a date. I'm not necessarily saying Brandon's lecture cools a woman's sex drive, but after my girlfriend read his personal ad, a polar bear stuck his head out of her vagina and ordered a mug of hot chocolate.

Unfortunately, Brandon provides us with just the latest example of an entitled, infantile dolt who sincerely believes a woman should behave just like her porn star counterparts. Sure, Brandon, after a hard day at work, a woman enjoys nothing more than lounging around spread eagle in her high-heel thigh-high latex boots, pouring a gallon of milk over her breasts, then shaving her pubic hair into the shape of a corn chip. Perhaps frustrated after the pizza guy fails to show, she'll furiously masturbate with an item of fresh produce, pour a can of clam chowder on her face, and call it a night.

Brandon ultimately fails in that he can't see the forest for the trees. Or, more specifically, he won't see a forest because of his sapling. You see, Brandon never quite addresses the obvious commonality between all the women he so condescendingly refers to as "boring in bed": Namely, the fact that they were all sleeping with Brandon. Women intrinsically recognize this, yet Brandon can't. And if that alone isn't cause enough to mummify his genitals, the clitoris actually contains a sophisticated sonar device which emits a series of inaudible chirps to warn other women about the presence of sub-par male sexual partners, and in Brandon's case, the overwhelming cacophony of high-pitched tones has even hard-of-hearing dogs burrowing holes to Bhutan.

In the Christmas spirit of providing guidance to the more ill-informed amongst us, WWHM would like to offer Brandon a few departing bedroom tips gathered from a roundtable of qualified men who fully understand that a "G Spot" isn't the brand name of a high-impact carpet stain remover. To wit:

Brandon, your penis is not a club, and the cervix is not a baby seal.

If you find your sex partner leafing through an aluminum siding brochure while you're going down on her, chances are your cunnilingus skills resemble a teenage giraffe gnawing parking decals off a car bumper.

Post-coitus, most women won't hurriedly brush off their inner thighs as if dismounting an unwashed mule. If they do, you fucking sucked.

If you can't manage to satisfy her in Round 1, make sure you properly finish the job in Round 2. It helps if, when grabbing your penis for Round 2, she doesn't feel like she's pulling taffy at a county fair refreshments booth.

In conclusion, Brandon, WWHM offers you the same advice we disburse to the majority of men we feature on our blog: Owning a penis no more makes you a quality fuck than owning a wrench makes you a quality auto mechanic. More often than not, if you find a woman unresponsive during sex, it's either because she's not interested in fucking what's between your ears, or because you're fucking her with all the muted stylings of a newborn puppy dry humping your grandmother's leg.

Ninety percent of sexually active single women would love an opportunity to make even the most seasoned porn star look like a listless bag of beets, yet only five percent of men can provide her the means and the brains to make her happily gnaw the bedpost into an effigy of the exact penis with which she is currently being fucked.

You know why, Brandon? Look in the mirror, dumbshit.

(As you guys know, I've been toiling away for over a year now without any advertising income from my websites. I've teamed up with Babeland, a very classy, reputable, and female-owned and operated sex boutique with stores in Seattle and New York City, so please feel free to support WWHM and PLFM by expressing your kink through the links on my websites. Believe me, there isn't a classier operation in the business. Thanks guys!)

222 comments:

I love when men blame women for their lack of enthusiasm for sex. Of course, if a women failed to give this jag-off a boner, that would be because she's not turning him on. So essentially what we can garner from douchebags like this is: anything wrong with the all the libidos of the world is all because of women.

You heard that ladies! If you fail to make a man's penis hard it's your fault. If you fail to get aroused when a man works his magic on you, it's your fault. One way ticket on the guilt train. All aboard.

Why does an "average looking, not ugly" (by his own admission!) guy expect that "an attractive and sexy woman with a pornstar sex drive and a sense of adventure" will give him the time of day, let alone a blow job? Sheesh.

>>ou see, Brandon never quite addresses the obvious commonality between all the women he so condescendingly refers to as "boring in bed": Namely, the fact that they were all sleeping with Brandon. Women intrinsically recognize this, yet Brandon can't.<<

Bwahahahaha! So true!

One thing I'm not sure that a lot of men know is that the exact same woman will put on a pornstar-esque performance with one man, and lie there wondering if she needs to pick up more kitty litter before the weekend with another. The right men bring out the pornstar in us; the wrong men just put us to sleep.

Sorry, Brandon, but you're probably a snoozer!

Oh, and P.S., few things turn us on LESS than finding out that making you cum from oral is going to be a WHOLE lot of work. The only one who is going to get excited about that statement is a doctor who treats TMJ.

*snort* "Clitoricicle" was what sealed the deal for me. So...much...good...stuff...can't...process...all...in...one...sitting. I must go back and read it over and over again, to better bask in your wit and brevity. *Squeal!* So happy you are back!

The thing that really gets me about this particular idiot is that he displays a clear awareness that porn stars are just acting and many don't actually feel the enthusiasm they're portraying. It says a huge amount about Brandon's quality as a lover that he says he realises this, but doesn't care. Aka: 'I don't care whether you enjoy the sex, I expect you to pretend you do. Sod your pleasure, just make sure you focus on mine'. How charming.

My boyfriend is 7 years older than me and had learned a few things about relationships I hadn't when we were relatively new to each other. So a few years back, when I'd already spent many months doing everything I could to please him and was growing cranky and tired as a result, he said to me, 'if you want to do X (forget what it was now), go ahead and do it. Don't worry about me, I'm fine either way. You'll end up regretting not doing the stuff you want to do. It's your life, so live it the way you want to'. To this day I thank my lucky stars I had someone to remind me of that when I was still young enough to make the 'men must come first' mistake.

"Humm...so in all the sex I've had, the women aren't enthused like in the movies. What could it be? It can't be me, my penis is 5.5inches round!" (I'm a male and I still found it weird that someone would measure the circumference of their tool. Am I just being prude? I had to convert it to metric and divide by pi to get an idea of how big that was.) "Dammit, it's really bugging me why women don't act like they do in staged movies in which the whole point is to see a fantasy that's difficult, and sometimes impossible, to recreate in real life. Oh, I got it! It must be the women!"

Funny how so many men think that women aren't interested in sex when it's really just that women aren't interested in sex with self-absorbed douches who couldn't find their own ass with a roadmap and both hands, nevermind their girlfriend's clit.

It's obvious that Brandon needs a prostitute. Not that I condone prostitution, but he obviously needs a professional who can act the part of a porn star. Weird that he knows that porn is fake & overacted, yet he still wants a woman to act like that. I think it's more appealing to me to hear my wife naturally oralize when she climaxes rather than fake porn screaming. At least I know it's real. Real beats fake any day.

Of course not all men hate women. Obviously some do, but not all. If your son acts like he hates you then you are doing something wrong but that's actually good news. It means changing your behavior will change his. If my guess is correct, he is a teenager and you are probably still treating him like he's 12. Common mistake. Teens are apprentices for adulthood. Of course you want to set proper boundaries but don't try to stop him from growing up - it's what he's supposed to do! Loosen the reins gradually because you don't want him to reach adulthood without first having learned what he needs to know. And pick your battles. If it's not important, let him choose for himself.

Of course not all men hate women. Obviously some do, but not all. If your son acts like he hates you then you are doing something wrong but that's actually good news. It means changing your behavior will change his. If my guess is correct, he is a teenager and you are probably still treating him like he's 12. Common mistake. Teens are apprentices for adulthood. Of course you want to set proper boundaries but don't try to stop him from growing up - it's what he's supposed to do! Loosen the reins gradually because you don't want him to reach adulthood without first having learned what he needs to know. And pick your battles. If it's not important, let him choose for himself.

Regarding Babeland - they are, as Weasel says, a top-notch organization. I've shopped for toys there, and I've even taken some of their classes. It's owned by women and operated with brains and compassion.

Let me get this straight. If I wanted to date this douchemaster, I would have to be Jesse Jane. His big selling point is "not ugly and has penis." You know, I've often wondered were the not-ugly guys with penises were. They have to be in high demand. Thanks Weasel!

As a Canadian I am deeply concerned about our melting ice cap and the resulting loss of polar bear habitat. I am greatly relieved that Brandon and others out there are doing there part to create new habitat for this endangered species.

I am so sick of women blaming men for things not being the way they want them to be. You want to be treated with respect? Then QUIT HANGING OUT IN BARS AND LOOKING FOR MEN AT STARBUCK'S. Go and find a man with principles. They are out there. You just need to stop expecting guys who look like they're 19 to act like the paragon of moral responsibility. They won't. You hook up with Peter Pan, you get little boy behavior. Deal with it. Moral men don't hang out in the places where you're looking, anyway. We are out there. You being angry doesn't change that. Oh, and STOP BLAMING YOUR MATES FOR THINGS YOUR FATHERS AND FIRST HUSBANDS DID. 'Kay, Cupcake?

Usually men who are sick of "women" meaning the few women they've actually had contact with, are not very good at getting dates. Maybe if you eliminated that chip off your shoulder, you'd have better luck.

DB, there are women hating, self obssessed, over entitled men everywhere, not just at bars and Starbucks. Neither of which I frequent.

Some of the most narrow minded, misogynistic men I've ever met have been 'good' church going individuals.

What is it about loving Jesus that turns some men into asshole control freaks? My guess is that they were always asshole control freaks, but think the Bible gives them validation for acting that way. Which it doesn't, if you interpret it correctly.

A GOOD relationship is about both partners, not just one. My concern is that my partner is satisfied, and his is that I am. That way, neither of us feels unloved and left out.

When you take out respect and concern for the other partner, there's nothing that would make a man like that attractive to me.

If it's ALWAYS about him and getting his nut off, he can masturbate until his dick falls off, as far as I'm concerned.

If Brandon wants a woman who acts like a prostitute without worrying about her own satisfaction, then he needs to cut to the chase and just hire a hooker.

What a wanker! While I have met men who blur some lines of reality and fiction from time to time, never before to this magnitude. The problem is simple and psychological; men want casual sex more than women because of the natural human need to procreate (which this loser shouldn't). Women don't feel the need as heavily as men, as women have more to do during pregnancy. Looking at that, I can't blame them either.My advice; get this guy back to basic porn flicks that don't have any fetishes, or throw him on the gay scene. If he wants people who act like porn stars, he can find a few there.

"but most women dont enjoy sex as much as women in porn do even if their acting"`Aside from the spelling and comprehension fails which mark Brendon as a dumbass...

Hello? Acting in porn movies is *A JOB*. They *MAKE MONEY*. Aside from the many reasons why women don't act like porn stars *with Brandon*, women don't act like women in porn movies for the same reason that nobody delivers newspapers or mows lawns or picks tomatoes or drives a taxi for free. Ron Jeremy could charitably be described as "not ugly", but his co-stars don't sex him because he's a nice guy, they sex him because they have a choice between answering phones fot $10. an hour vs. sexing Ron Jeremy for $1000. an hour.

That was a hilarious read, just stumbled across this site on a random google search.

I understand some of what he means, and no, most women will not do anything kinky, although I do love a good penis effigy.

I've had a lot of casual hook ups, and the majority of women are just not that stimulated by sex. The majority only come to me because they miss being with a man, not because they miss mounting one, I think it's just natural that men desire actual sex where women can sometimes treat it like a chore. I've been told repeatedly no man can match the pleasure of a pen-sized vibrator anyway, and that's what I've come to accept.

If I had a nine inch wang and the skills of a French bachelor that stupid little thing would still beat me.

not all guys are like this, i really do have to say sorry for my male friends in this world. most guys, unfortunately, fail at everything in life. so they think if they can prove themselves as masters of sex that they can live a life that has some meaning, which is complete bull. take it from a 19 year old virgin that really would much rather hold a girl than fuck her.

"Also women in porn seem to enjoy performing oral sex on men but women in real life do not."

I'd like to highlight the word SEEM. They SEEM to enjoy performing oral sex on men. Well Brandon, that's called acting, and they are paid to do it.

Some girls like to do it because they love their boyfriend/husband and want to make him feel good. Not because he TOLD HER to get down there and work, like this ad so charmingly does.

This is why I hate porn produced by men, for men. It creates an unrealistic expectation of how women should behave in bed. I will relate to you a story a female friend recently shared:

"[My boyfriend and I] have a good sex life and we make things interesting. I wear lingerie sometimes if I'm in the mood to, we give each other oral and we try new positions when we want to. Anyway, he watched some porn the other night and wanted to know why I didn't offer to do it in that position, because it looked like the girl was really getting off on it. So we tried. Well, the verdict's in- the reason I haven't done it with him that way until now, and the reason none of his exes did is because it's effing painful! sorry but I'm no yoga expert and I have a bladder so please stop poking it and let me unfold from this weird ass pretzel position! I take back what I said about porn stars not being actresses, they are damn fine actresses to pretend something like that is enjoyable!"

Well there you have it Brandon, this is why the women you've been with don't do it like porn stars. Because unlike the porn star who's with a young buff guy, she's with you. turn off number one. And secondly, your skills are undoubtedly not porn star skills, they are "I'm rarely getting any" sex skills. And finally, the women you're having sex with aren't being paid for it. If you gave them a few thousand I'm sure they'd put on a real performance for you.

Very funny take about this delirious man. Sadly, this kind of story does not only exist online but also in the "offline" world. I would sometimes over hear this kind of insights in bars or restaurants. Sometimes, my girlfriend would cringe when she over hears it too. The ladies must know that NOT all men are Brandon.

geez sad to see how many of you ladies buy this bullshit; it's a simple tactic as he said to make himself look better; it's blatant ass kissing at least the dudes he ostracizes are blunt and upfront, this is the kind that gives the subtle uncomfortable touches, invades personal space while bearing a nice facade and that when you reject leaves and calls you an ugly whore; the whole "I was just trying to talk to you geez!" "I was just trying to help you with your bags!" with guilt tripping moral blabber that'll possibly comeback to this with some sort of cheesy pro-self-sex-prowess moral retort; goddamn some of you are naive

second to random women, funny you'll bitch about Brandon yet you still fuck him; good going having self respect; the irony is while most of these douchebags are getting it all the time it's sorry ass apologists and asskisses like weasel that literally try to weasel their way into it by cheesy ass kissing nice guy tactics that eventually just put him on a friend box; sorta outlying the lame uptight repressed ass kisser that he is

Porn's pretty shitty and boring; and people here are too blatantly taking either extreme apparently seeking no middle ground if anything it's your crappy inability to read stupid men's behavior [like weasel or in contrast the douchebags that he talks about that you fucked last week] that ends up with you being fully able to relate to these boring brown-nosing rants because you keep making the same stupid mistake over and over; blaming only the other [albeit completely retarded] party and absolving yourself of much guilt such as "why do I believe everything I'm told?" "why do I fall for corny pick up lines?" "why do I believe the stupid corny bullshit every man says?" "why do I believe every stupid corny thing every apologist-nice-guy-wannabe says?" and just end up used time and time again

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I've been off the reservation for a long time. I am the girl who will "porn star" in bed. Though it is highly unlikely he would ever get his bloated inch worm within ten feet of my diva.

I never expect my partner to make the sex what I want. I make it what I want and I am never disappointed. In turn, they are never disappointed.

That said, I am ever so very particular about whom I play with and don't put myself out like a merry go round. I rode all the ponies I wanted in the past and experience has taught me that what happens before and after the sex is more valuable.

Truth is your right. But remember guys mature emotionally a little slower than the gals. I'm older now but I remember when girls would bet on my future and therefore put up with me in my 20's and even 30's. Remember "women marry men because they think they will change and they never do: Men marry women because they think they will never change but they always do.

This is nice one among my visited post."Dammit, it's really bugging me why women don't act like they do in staged movies in which the whole point is to see a fantasy that's difficult, and sometimes impossible, to recreate in real life. Oh, I got it! It must be the women!"

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Men date multiple women and never commit to a woman who doesnt like sex. Thats just plain stupid. Commit only when you are getting an equal exchange; otherwise just play around with them and try to get as much sex from her as possible before she tries to make you her lifetime slave. Women are narcissistic and want you to give them everything while giving you virtually nothing. If she does not give you the sex that you want then never commit; she is worthless.

You know, anon 6:25, you are exaclty the sort of man that disservices men. You reduce men to their genitals making it seem like sex is the only important thing for a man. It's good you think you're just a walking dick. At least you have the self awareness to acknowledge how little slef worth yu have ;)

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Despite producing two low-rent websites of extremely questionable taste, I actually make a living spitting ink for other people. Some of whom even exhibit, like, moral fiber and stuff.If you need an entertaining and/or controversial copywriter, comedy writer, or technical writer with a proven ability to sequester and stun thousands of eyeballs, I'm always interested in hearing about your project.