Our Definitive Ranking Of The Married At First Sight Contestants’ Instagrams

By Millie Lester - 28 Feb 2018

ICYMI Australia’s new favourite outlet for screaming at the telly is *only* on four nights a week, we’ve rustled up the Instagram accounts of 18 of the suffering bastards so you’ve got some juicy late-night stalking to fill those lonely Thursday-Saturday evenings.

We’ve also ranked them, because if this show has taught us anything it’s that being superficial gets your everywhere. And also, that Troy needs a flaming cooking lesson or seven.

1. Davina (@davvyxx)

Unsurprisingly, Davina’s Instagram profile is a rotating carousel of ‘candid’ ads spruiking meal replacement shakes and the benefits of rolling around in tanning oil with an Aperol Spritz in her backstabbing fist. When she’s not sipping savvy bs with ‘the girls’ and paying someone to take photos of her fake laughing next to a washing line, she’s sipping on coconuts in infinity pools and advocating the ‘no awareness of sun damage, no worries’ lifestyle.

2. Tracey (@traceyjewel_ify)

Tracey’s use of hashtags gives her crumby Insta pics life. Crackers include #cheatedon #emotionalcheating #cheatingischeating #girlcode #trustissues #getitoffmychest #idontdeservethis #icantbelievethisishappening. Her account also reveals that she’s a published bloody author with a book titled ‘Don’t Mess With The Goddess’ under her belt. No doubt it’s all about #movingforward #forgivingandforgetting and #beingaterriblerapper.

3. Ryan (@ryangallaghergram)

Ryan has certainly recovered from his ‘surprise funeral’, according to his Insta. He’s taken a leaf out of the ‘How To Make Women’s Ovaries Quiver’ book by posting photos cradling puppies AND babies (also known as Prince Charming’s Bingo). There’s certainly a renewed twinkle in Ryan’s eye since he cut the old backstabbing ball and chain loose, and there’s also a strong sense that the instruction behind most of these photos is ‘take your top off and smile’.

4. Troy (@troydelmege)

The poorly cropped profile picture says everything you need to know about Troy’s Instagram account. Every single caption includes a winky face emoji and some low-quality pun he’s clearly workshopped around for three days before committing to. It’s also startling to scroll through his feed and realise how often his and Ash’s outfits match… So far, no sign of Troy’s Special Love Mince or Camembert Scramble. Thank gawd.

5. Sarah (@sarahjaneroza)

Sarah on-screen is the very same Sarah on-Insta, just with less close-up shots of Telv’s shower grout. She’s always contoured to the Gods, having a [genuine] laff and posting photos of Telv in sleeveless wife-beaters. So far it looks like Sarah hasn’t sold her soul to SkinnyMeTea and is fitting a bit more into her social calendar than just beachside bikini shoots.

6. Gabrielle (@gabrielleriver)

Ok just FYI, Gabby is a boss b*tch plus-size model with a stellar acting career who should kick Nasser to the curb toot sweet. Not only is she flaming gaaaaaaaw-juss but she’s also a big fan of ten-tile picture collages and her daughter (ok, yeah, fair enough). When she’s not clocking crims with her glock in Aussie film, Cop’s Enemy, she’s modelling beach sarongs and showing off her new size 10 figure.

A post shared by Gabrielle (@gabrielleriver) on Jul 14, 2017 at 11:12pm PDT

7. Telv (@telv11)

Telv is definitely our flavour of the month on MAFS and his Insta account ain’t bad either. It’s riddled with happy candids of him and Sarah, plus some shots of The Boys sprinkled in there to raise the testosterone of his feed. Apart from clearly having a soft spot for kiddies, he’s also the kind of person who writes ‘defiantly’ instead of ‘definitely’.

8. Dean (@deanwells)

Dean declares himself the ‘Season 5 super villain’ in his bio because apparently all of a sudden, he’s decided to tell the truth. His entire account is literally screenshots from episodes and obscure captions about meeting people in Tracey’s life and being terrified of facing the consequences of his crummy actions. At least he hasn’t posted any homemade rap battle videos yet.

9. Nasser (@nasser_mafs)

Nasser’s Instagram is basically a heaving mess of angry comments telling him to stop treating Gab like an annoying exchange student. There are also several claims of him cheating on her with an ex while he was on the show, which is very much a pot-kettle situation vis-a-vis Dickhead Dean and his wandering heart.

10. Charlene (@thisischarlenep)

Charlene’s Instagram account SCREAMS middle-aged woman in love. All her photos look like they’ve been cropped by someone with hooves for hands and feature a strong Toaster filter. There’s also at least thirteen people jammed into each pic and a strong tone of ‘I’m a strong independent gal who don’t need no man. Unless he does crossfit and can fit into my ultra-social lifestyle’.

A post shared by charlene (@thisischarlenep) on Feb 26, 2018 at 11:34pm PST

11. Patrick (@pattymiller_mafs)

If Patrick and Charlene aren’t still together he must have some pretty mad photoshop skills and a dicey understanding of online privacy laws. The two are looking VERY loved up (if not EXTREMELY pixelated) in almost all of his photos. There’s also a strong sense of him being forced to post on Instagram when he would much rather be drawing love hearts in his Kiki.K diary.

12. Ash (@ashleyairvin)

Ash’s Instagram has the air of someone whose posts are being approved by her mum. Her captions read ‘yay SeaWorld’ but her eyes say ‘DON’T MAKE ME HOLD HIS CRUSTY BANANA HANDS’. The most shocking thing is the sledging she’s getting in the comments, why are people calling her a head f*ck when Troy was the one who cooked fettuccine without the bloody pasta??

13. Carly (@carlybowyer)

Carly is doing a fab job of pretending there was ever anything but awkward silences between her and the invisible ship captain. Her account is littered with happy candids of the two fake laughing, playing mini golf and standing a metre apart from each other.

A post shared by Melissa (@melissa_mafs) on Feb 24, 2018 at 9:04pm PST

15. Justin (@justin_mafs)

Clearly no one gives a crap about Justin and his multi-hundred-dollar fortune as he has next to no Insta followers even though he has one of the best profiles of the bunch. Carly has clearly sent him packing on his invisible cruise liner since their days together on MAFS as it’s now just snaps of his kids... in front of a Christmas tree?? Negative 100 points for lying about owning a boat.

16. Blair (@bonditobali)

The most startling revelation of Whatsherface’s profile is that her last name is Rabbit!! And also, that her first name is Blair, both brand new pieces of information. Judging by her most recent post (a photo of a balloon with ‘thanks for nothing’ written on it), she’s feeling rather deflated and/or salty AF about her experience on MAFS. I can’t really comment on that, I don’t think I ever saw her on there.

17. John (@john_robertson_1962)

John has only posted on two occasions since entering the MAFS hellhole for the second time, although in fairness he’s only posted 17 times in his entire life. He clearly hasn’t followed in Mel’s footsteps and hired a tech-savvy teenager to keep his public profile in check online and has the most eclectic and nonsensical pattern of pics. Bless him.

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By Millie Lester

Millie hails from the island state of Tasmania where her obsession with delicious foods began. She enjoys writing, but more importantly can play table tennis with both hands and has never lost a game of Cluedo in her life. Her greatest achievement to date was making eye contact with Roger Federer at the 2007 Australian Open.