There’s only one sure-fire way to avoid being in a consensual gray area in a sexual scenario; use your grown-up words and explicitly ask for consent. If you’re a shy or less verbal person, this might seem like a daunting task.

First let’s deal with some of your concerns…

1. I don’t like “asking.”
People (especially men) have told me that “asking permission” feels weak, that it establishes a power dynamic from the get-go that may not be a total turn on. Can I suggest this adjustment to your logic: the “ask” is a sign of ultimate respect, a new “laying your cape over a mud puddle.” Because who can remember to bring their cape all the time? If your boo is into consent, asking IS foreplay.

2. It makes sex so mechanical.
Maybe there is a small loss of spontaneity. But if you get consent beforehand, or better yet, have a grown up discussion of what you are into and when/where you want to get it, you’ll have the green light to get as weird-as-you-wanna-be when the time comes. I’ll take kink over spontaneity any day.

3. Girl’s are the brakes, boys are the gas.
Why are you even reading this column, you dumb dinosaur?! There’s an assumption that cis-gender straight males are ALWAYS trying to get it IN and it’s the “woman’s job to put on the brakes.” It’s 2016, dummies. That kind of over-simplification is over. Yes, let’s acknowledge the long history of teaching men to “ask” consent and women to “give” consent *cough* rape culture *cough*. However, women can help this process by participating in the culture of consentthemselves, asking and granting permission also.

4. I don’t know how.
For a lot of us, this is new. We’re finding the language, the rhythms and the emotions associated with consent. It’s OK for it to feel awkward. We’re all gonna be so good at this soon (a great resource is sex educator/graphic artist Erika Moen’s blog entry on consent). If you’re just getting your feet wet, here are some phrases to try out:

Can I….?
Will you…?
Would it feel good if I ….?
Would you like it if I…?
Do you like it when…?

Here are some phrases that sound less like questions:

It would feel so good if you…
It turns me on when you…
When you _____, it makes me hot
I love it when you ____
I want you to _____

Okay now here are some perfectly reasonable verbs to add to this sentence:

Try it with your partner, your weekend lover, or whatever lucky, sunsick fool you hook up with tonight. And don’t thank me too much when you ask permission to fuck and your consent-lovin’ bae floods their basement.

Me and the homies Alex Falcone and Anthony Lopez took over NPR’s edgy Saturday night programming: LiveWire! Radio. Listen to me say some cheesy stuff about why I do stand up, when I was heckled by a man in head-to-toe camo, and bombing at APPLEBEE’S.

not a comedy club

Listen here: Live Wire Radio Episode: “TIGHT FIVE” (I didn’t co-sign on that title btw)

I cameo the hell out of this dope new video from former-Husker Du rocker Bob Mould, playing a business woman at the top and a Stefani-esque reality/talent show judge.

It was shot on a rainy fall day on the beautiful South Waterfront and later scenes were set at the Funhouse Lounge – all in beautiful Portland, Oregon. Directed by the boss-ass bitch: Alicia J. Rose (she does cool shit).

She’s also seen as a leader in Portland’s stand-up comedian community.

Pruett sat down with OPB’s Weekend Edition Host John Sepulvado.

She spoke about why stand-up comedy is economically better than being in a band. “My boyfriend is in a band and he has to pay out a whole band, and it’s a real bummer,” Pruett says. “And I’m glad to be light traveling, and doing whatever I want.”

Pruett also spoke about what she calls “the female comedy mafia” in Portland.

“The best shows in this city are run by women,” Pruett says. “And those women talk to each other. And if someone does something upsetting or misogynistic or transphobic or homophobic or racist, we talk about it.”

The comedian also spoke about the difference between joking about someone and picking on people.

“If someone came to me after a show and said, ‘hey, you really hurt my feelings with that joke,’” Pruett says. “I would absolutely look at my material and examine why that happened and be thoughtful about it. And I would hope that all artists would be that way, but I know that that’s not the case.”

As the first signs of Back-to-School season rears it’s ugly, crayola head, we know in our bones that YES the nine-months of wet/gray/winter-ish is coming. So,have you thought about your cold-weather relationship yet? Dating is fun in the summer when activities and patios are plentiful. Come autumn, you can harvest your relationship like a ripe tomato and make a rich sauce to sustain you during the cold months. If you are like literally everyone on the planet, you date online to increase your odds of meeting someone. Here are my tips for finding the biggest fish in your pond.com:

1. Talk about your lifestyle
Say I stumbled across a dude online who has dedicated his life to ice fishing. He goes on several ice fishing trips a year, has Marlins mounted all over his house(Marlins aren’t products of cold-water fishing, you say? Shut up nerd, I’m just trying to make a point), and all his friends talk ice fishing 24/7. That would be a real red flag for someone like me; I’m too soft for that life. My point is this: Service industry folks aren’t going to be able to get up and jog with you at 5 am, starving artists aren’t going to be able to afford to travel with you to Antigua, and devoted Christians aren’t going to brunch with you on Sunday… God doesn’t even brunch on Sunday, he waits until Monday when the lines are shorter. Smart, God.

2. Brevity is your friend
For the sake of pure readability, I urge you to keep it brief. No more than 500 words in total for a site like OKCupid or Match.com. If you are going long, cut the details about your personal “history” first. Those are great details to offer in the first couple of messages you write to the person you want to meet with.

3. Ask your friends for help
Everyone needs an editor, and I’m nothing without Wm. Steven Humphrey! Ask your friends to read your profile, for grammar and content. Ask them if it sounds honest, or if you left anything out. Good friends will be honest, mediocre friends will give you some nice fluff about how great your butt looks. Go ahead and brag, you won’t sound like an asshole; you’ll sound like a person who knows they deserve a rad partner.

4. Don’t list “dealbreakers”
We all have boundaries hidden in the deep confines of our soul. However, I’d wager on the journey toward love, you’re more flexible than you think. Through messaging and the first dates, you’ll be able to identify the things that are just NOT going to work for you.

I met my sweet boyfriend online. He wrote pages and pages of OKCupid profile prose, his username referenced a foreign film I liked and I knew immediately he had the gentle soul of an artist. Surprise, I’m into that kind of thing. So I asked him a couple of questions… I didn’t even say hi. He was glad to meet a straight-forward, brass tacks kinda broad. By our third date, we started clearing our schedules to make time for each other, then we got all boo’d up.

It can happen to you too, folks! Next time on Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: Opening Lines for Online Daters.

One day I wandered into the illustrious Portland MercuryHQ and met a nice man who introduced himself as the web guru. He shook my hand with wonder in his eyes and told me that one of my articles was one of the top 3 most clicked on Mercury website. I was flattered and amazed, and squealed, “WHICH ARTICLE?” The article:“How to Suck a Dick.” Ahhhh yes, I remember that. That was me, all right!Well folks, the web stats have spoken, and I hear your mighty yawps. But it’s just about how one goes about sucking a dick. Today let’s turn the tables and talk about what you can do to insure your dick gets sucked.

HOW TO GET YOUR DICK SUCKED

1. WASH YOUR DICK – This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many dirty-dicked-boys have asked me for a blowjob. Look I get it, dicks are in a high-traffic area; in close proximity to sweat glands AND a nut sack. Not judging AT ALL. But look, no one’s going to want to get involved with your dick if it’s not ready for the “ball.”

2. GROOM YOUR DICK-AREA – Your dick is Justin Timberlake and your balls, pubes and thighs are N’Sync. Make your “breakout artist” look good by grooming the support staff. Trim the pubes, and maaaaybe the hair on your thighs if you are especially hirsute. Are you trying to get someone to suck your balls? SHAVE THEM. Plus it’ll make you swim faster!3. MAKE IT INVITING – You’ve groomed, you’ve cleaned… what more can you possibly do? Get some scents in the game! Leave your Old Spice or Axe Body Spray at home (unless you dab it on with a Q-tip—seriously, just a whisper of musky scents will do). Essential oils can do wonders for a swampy dick. May I suggest lemon verbena, peppermint, or Eucalyptus? “Bri, I don’t want my dick to smell like my grandmother’s bathroom.” DO YOU WANT YOUR DICK SUCKED OR NOT?

4. ASK REAL NICE – Don’t be passive aggressive, don’t drop hints, and for the love of the sweet baby Jesus, DO NOT press his/her head into your crotch. Just ask for what you want like the adult you are. “Hey, would you suck me off?” “Can I get a blowjob, please?” “This all feels amazing, will you go down on me?” OR the slightly more passive, yet still kinda cute: “I’d love to watch you suck my dick.”

5. RECIPROCATE – Maybe this means getting on your knees and giving head. OR maybe it’s doing another selfless act: a back massage, a sexual favor of a different variety, or something he/she has been begging you to do for a while! Buy brunch! Go to the art museum AND the farmer’s market! While none of these things will entitle you to a blowjob,they might grease the wheel a bit.

Receiving oral sex is nice. Being on the receiving end of such intimate attention can makeyou feel like royalty. Sadly, the patriarchal industrial complex has made these blowjobs feel like currency, which is such a turn off to sexy feminists like myself. Think of a blowjob as frosting on the sex cake. Wait, no, as frosting on the sex pie. Like, I didn’t even know this pie could get any better, I mean, what’s frosting even doing up in here, but OMG yum!

Remember what Ghandi said: Give the head that you want to see in the world. Being generous will usually pay off in bed. And if it doesn’t, stop fucking those people.

Hey look I got MERCH!!! Totes in Navy with white lettering, a long strap – great for groceries and trips to the library or record store. Big Shout out to the screen printing wizards over at Shirt Nerdery for whipping these up.

TOTES!

S/O @MirPropaganda for modeling for me. S/O to @ShirtNerdery for making mah totes!

Totes for real!

You can pick up one of these sharp totes AND you can now get my album, Bri Pruett Live! at Action/Adventure Theater at my bandcamp page.

It was a first date, and it was running long. I thought I’d have drinks, laughs, maybe a quick smooch, and be asleep by 10. Instead our long conversations and nervous flirting took forever to percolate. By the time we realized the chemistry was real and took things back to my place, it was 1:30 and our slow-to-start make out sesh turned irresistible and sexy and sleepy. I wasn’t trying to have sex (it’s the first date and I’m allowed to be traditional), but this was definitely fun and I was getting caught up in this guy. He’s hard as 10 rocks and moaning in desire and frustration, and it breaks me. So I change my mind and give consent, saying: “Okay, let’s get you off.” And he’s like: “But I want you to come.”

So there we are: He’s trying his best… but I’m not that close, and the pressure is mounting, and he’s asking if I’m close, and it’s got to be THREE IN THE GODDAMN MORNING! So I did what anyone would do, I closed my eyes, arched my back, moaned and successfully resisted the urge to say, “I’ll have what she’s having!” He pops his cork and I get my 40 winks, LIKE A PRO.

Why didn’t I just stop and tell the guy this wasn’t working? Answer: because that’s kinda scary! What if he got mad, or turned off, or never called me again, or all those things? Am I ruining everything my fore-parents fought for? Am I sacrificing a real human interaction for a polite one? Am I being PORTLAND PASSIVE in the worst context?

Look, I’m not proud. I know I’m setting unrealistic expectations for the dude. Plenty of Jezebel journalists have drawn lines in the sand re: orgasm faking, and they all make excellent points. You scream your head off, and then having experienced success, the dude or lady thinks “Wow! I sure am good at sex.” Then they go about their life, disappointing everyone they have the honor of bedding. Later the dude or lady thinks, “Geez what’s going on? ‘The left-handed tickler’ worked so well with _____, why isn’t this trick screaming to their deity of choice right now?“

If I inflate someone’s sexual ego, indirectly writing checks that his dick can’t cash… how is that my fucking problem?! Okay, you’re right, it takes a village to teach a guy how to fuck—but I’m no saint. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself and a faked orgasm is a white lie. It’s not really going to hurt anything. UNLESS YOU GET INTO A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON (more on that later).

We’re all looking for language, for etiquette, for guidelines about how to do this whole dating “thing.” You want permission to fake an orgasm with someone? Someone who you aren’t in a relationship with, who you only are casually fucking because it’s Sunday night and there are no more episodes of Mad Men. If you need permission, you got it, friendo!

But not if you’re in love. Because lying to your partner is lame. And more than one white lie is a real lie. Lies between you and your partner are really going to screw things up for your orgasms down the line… And intimacy and stuff.

In lieu of faking orgasms, learning how to fake orgasms, and debating the merits of faking it, we should REALLY be focusing on figuring out what gets us off, how to communicate that to our sexual partners and if the “getting-off” part is as important as we think? Have you guys made out with someone in the shower lately? DO IT!