Archive for January, 2011

CAIRO – Egyptian protestors, still angry over Simon Cowell’s departure from the hit reality TV show, American Idol, stormed a popular tourist attraction in their country yesterday, knocking the famed Pyramid of Giza on its side. Hundreds of mummies living under the structure were forced to scurry for cover.

The ancient construction, believed to be the four largest triangles in the world, was otherwise undamaged in the attack, but its toppling leaves science with a challenging conundrum: Is it still a pyramid?

“Technically, the square part of a pyramid is the base,” says University of Detroit Online mathematician Pinky Middleton, who was not associated with the building of the structure 4,500 years ago. “Since the Giza pyramid’s square base is now facing sideways instead of down, we don’t know what to call it. There is no word known to geometry.”

A team of UN polygonists is scheduled to fly to Egypt this weekend to study the object firsthand. The examination is expected to last ten tears and result in a 75,000-page report.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, speaking to reporters earlier today, had harsh words for the space aliens who built the structure in 2,500 BC.

“Why, why, why did they use a quadrilateral pyramid and not a tetrahedron?” a visibly angry Mubarak said. “You knock a tetrahedron over and what do you have? A pyramid! It’s always a pyramid, no matter what.”

A tetrahedron is a pyramid with a triangle on each side, rather than one side being a square base.

An official representative for the protestors could not be reached for comment, but an angry youth who was present at the attack was willing say, on condition of anonymity, “We’ve done far worse than bring down Mubarak’s regime. We toppled the pyramid. And we wish to go on… toppling pyramids.”

The comment is thought to be the first time in fake-news history that two articles made pointless and tangential references to Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan within the same week.

Some good came from yesterday’s toppling, at least as far as scientists are concerned: The mummies that escaped went on a mad rampage, devouring the flesh of tourists, police, and protesters alike before fanning out into the sandy countryside in search of more humans to disembowel and eat.

“We think this may be a species of mummy previously unknown to science,” explains Vincent Dawn, professor of zoology at The Nile Institute in Alexandria. “Other mummies tend to just strangle their victims, but these creatures exhibit very zombie-like behavior. Interesting.”

He went on to say, “I don’t know what the geometrists are going to call that new shape, but I’m going to call it The House That Simon Cowell Toppled.”

Anti-flesh-eating-mummy protestors protesting the original protestors for freeing the mummies are demanding Cowell be brought up on charges for offending the original protestors by quitting American Idol.

“It’s all about personal accountability,” said one of the protestors today as she smashed a random storefront window and set a car on fire.

WASHINGTON DC – An increasingly erratic President Obama delivered a State of the Union speech last night that could best be described as rambling, nonsensical, and, eventually, violent.

Speaking before members of both houses of Congress as well as several Supreme Court Justices, the President set the tone early by reaching into the lectern and withdrawing a Chalupa from Taco Bell. While unwrapping the fast-food snack, he said, “My fellow Americans, did you know that Taco Bell has been calling the stuff in here ‘beef,’ when it’s actually mostly soy filler and flavoring?”

Met with silence, a visibly disgusted Obama threw the Chalupa to the floor beneath the podium, saying, “Aw, f**k it.”

It is not clear whether the expletive was part of the speech or an unscripted moment.

The president then turned his attention to the Supreme Court Justices seated before him and, presumably paraphrasing a line of dialog from The Shining, said, “You know, you guys turned out to be a couple of completely unreliable a**holes.”

Justice Samuel Alito, echoing a dispute that took place between the President and Supreme Court Justices during last year’s State of the Union address, appeared to mouth the words, “Not true.”

Jabbing his finger toward the judge, President Obama responded by saying, “In Yo Face!” then leapt from the stage in an alleged attempt to strangle him.

The two men briefly exchanged blows and, in a bipartisan effort, were separated by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Before the President’s address could be resumed, another fight broke out, not between Republicans and Democrats but between Senators and Representatives. With strength in numbers, the congressional reps were able to subdue the Senators, though it was reported that, in the melee, TV personality Geraldo Rivera’s nose was broken by a flying chair. It was unclear whether the chair was thrown or flew on its own.

Once order was restored, President Obama was able to finish his speech, which included bits about investing in the nation’s infrastructure or something.

In a post-address rebuttal, a bloodied and bruised Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman told television audiences she was proud of the way Republicans and Democrats were able to resolve their differences during the speech.

“This is the way our forefathers intended government to work,” she said. “They knew that statesmanship and diplomacy were stupid in the fourteen-hundreds, and they’re stupid now.”

”]Here at The Anvil, we are dedicated to bringing you the stories the mainstream news networks refuse to tell. While AP and Reuters go on and on about political thingamajigs and world-affairs doodads nobody cares about, we dig deeper to uncover the real truth. But before you read on, be warned: You may never look at the world the same way again.

Captain Crunch promoted to admiral

Captain Crunch, perhaps America’s greatest living naval hero, has been promoted to admiral, throwing the breakfast cereal industry into disarray.

“I don’t know what the heck we are supposed to do now,” said Susan B. Anthony, spokesperson for Quaker Oats, the company that manufactures the Cap’n Crunch cereal line. “You know how many boxes are sitting in our factory right now that say ‘cap’n’ on the front, waiting to be shipped? Only about a billion.”

NATO commander and rival to Admiral Crunch, General Mills, has called for UN sanctions against Crunch. He claims the sailor is in violation of the International Cereal Name Continuity Agreement for accepting the promotion, though, it should be noted, Cap’n Crunch cereals have yet to be officially retitled.

Mills points out that other cereal makers have stuck by unfortunate product names for the sake of ethical business practice. “Post is sitting on 800,000 crates of Cat Turdios,” he says, “because they know how to honor a treaty.”

Cat Turdios is widely considered to be the least popular cereal in the world, despite winning multiple taste tests against Lucky Charms, Honey Nut Cheerios, and Fruity Pebbles, all popular cereal makes.

Khan Noonien Singh, a late 20th century, genetically engineered supervillain who was banished to the planet Ceti Alpha V, said of the captain’s promotion, “Admiral? Admiral!”

According to eyewitnesses, an incensed Khan then put a mind-controlling scorpion in Chekov’s ear, escaped Ceti Alpha V in a stolen federation vessel, and was later killed in a space battle.

Massacre!

Trillions were killed yesterday when Betty Jo Mamma of Possum Bone, Arkansas sprayed Fantastic brand disinfectant all over her son Charlie’s toilet bowl, which had not been cleaned since 2008. Only about one percent of those attacked managed to survive.

“This has got to stop,” said Sarah Mecium, spokesperson for We Were Here First (WeWeHeFi), a not-for-profit microbe advocacy organization. “If some kid chokes on a lollipop, there’s this major uproar in the news media about banning lollipops. Meanwhile, store shelves are linedwith rows and rows of spray cleaners, antiseptic wipes, and mouth washes. What about our rights? Why is Betty Jo Mamma walking around a free woman right now?”

It is estimated that a septillion-to-the-octillionth-power number of bacteria and other microbes have been killed by humans since the Centers for Disease Assistance (CDA) started keeping records in 2003. The Anvil was planning on putting a continuously updating death counter on our home page to raise awareness for the suffering of our tiny, almost invisible friends, but our IT department said we were on crack.

When informed of our hope to draw attention the plight of single-celled organisms, WeWeHeFi spokesperson Mecium said, “Oh, yeah? That was my uncle you sent flying across the room yesterday when you took a can of air blast to your computer keyboard.”

Millions of television viewers heard those words sung last night as Deidre “Dee” Kay of Tennessee was crowned the first-ever Miss Teen Zombie USA. That’s when Corporeal Entropy as a Result of Dental Aggression by Cannibal Corpse became America’s song. And young Ms. Kay became America’s Zombie.

Kay, who was not expected to challenge for the crown, overcame stiffening competition from runners up Miss California and Miss New Mexico, thanks to her combination of talent and charm. Miss Minnesota, the favorite going in, was shot in the head by a redneck last week and thrown onto a bonfire, thus forcing her to drop out. Another contender, Miss New Hampshire, had to exit the pageant early when her arms fell off.

The event, which was broadcast last night from the Uneeda Medical Supply Pavilion in Los Angeles, featured 18- and 19-year-old undead women from 49 states and the District of Columbia vying for the Miss Teen Zombie title. Kay impressed the judges during the talent competition by eviscerating a screaming human with her teeth in less than three minutes. When asked what she planned do if she won the competition, she told the audience she wanted to host the first zombie cooking show.

“While I can shred raw flesh was well as anyone,” she said, “I want to teach young zombies that paprika and steaming intestines can co-exist on a dinner plate.”

Kay also said she wants to make sure all zombies to have equal access to embalming fluid, which she drinks daily and credits for scaring away flies.

After pageant host Larry King placed the tiara on her head, an emotional Kay said, “I’d be crying right now if I weren’t so desiccated.”

Profile of Deidre Kay, the new Miss Teen Zombie USA

Age at time of reanimation – 18

Favorite movie – My dinner, Andre

Favorite TV show – *&@! My Dad Says When Gnawing on a Femur

Favorite song – I love the Dead by Alice Cooper

Favorite literary character – Hannibal Lecter

Favorite historical figure – Lazarus

Most embarrassing moment – “Shouting ‘Braaaaaiiiiinnnnssss!’ when I met the First Lady Michelle Obama last year. I had planned to say something more profound. She looked perturbed.”

When businesses run out of this, they go "out." Science has yet to discover where.

America’s worst economic recession in almost 80 years may be over, but its aftermath is still being felt by countless businesses struggling to stay above water. These are the eight companies at greatest risk of failing before the end of the year:

U-Fly

When U-Haul, the do-it-yourself truck rental company, decided to apply its successful business model to the air-freight industry last year, economists hailed the move. In a tight economy, they said, average Americans would rather fly their own stuff across the country than pay some cargo company and an overpriced pilot.

But when eighty percent of U-Fly’s fleet was destroyed in crashes on the first day of business last August, the company was forced to ground the remainder of its aircraft. They still sit today, rusting.

“What we found out,” says company CEO Zap Crossin, “is that it’s really hard to fly an airplane when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Seven/sixteenths Foods

With upscale supermarket chains Whole Foods and Wegmans competing for the attention of heath-conscious shoppers, executives at Seven/sixteenths Food Markets decided to target the blue-collar consumer who still cares about quality, but only sometimes. Sounds like a giant, untapped audience, right?

Wrong. It turns out that there are tons of ordinary supermarkets out there that don’t sell imported cheese and gourmet desserts. Seven/sixteenths is finding the competition rather stiff and continues to search, in vain, for a market share. Their nonsensical TV ad slogan, “Slightly less than half,” isn’t helping.

TypewriterMax

The one-stop-shop for Clark Nova, Martinelli, and Krupp Dominator typewriters was one of America’s most powerful corporations in the 1950s and 60s. Then, in 1967, they made the mistake of firing a young clerk by the name of Bill Gates, who vowed to create a software program that would one day render typewriters useless.

“I didn’t even know what the words ‘software program’ meant,” Gates wrote in his autobiography in 2002, “but once I said them, I knew I had to come up with something.”

TypewriterMax hasn’t sold a single unit since 1981, when movie director John Landis needed one for a movie prop.

Johnson & Johnson

Not to be confused with the massively successful global pharmaceutical firm, this Johnson & Johnson (the “Johnsons” are reversed) sells paper bags full of dog poop. Customers place the bags on their cranky neighbors’ porches, set the bags on fire, knock on the door, then run away. The neighbor comes outside and, in a panic, stomps on the… well, you know.

It’s all in good fun. Until the target of the prank is wearing dynamite shoes, as was Edward Gymteacher of Calumet City, Illinois, on the day he was killed in October, 2008.

“We live in a very litigious society,” notes company president Johnny “John” Johnson.

1M and 2M

1M invented little yellow squares of paper. 2M invented strips of mild stickiness. But unlike Reese’s brilliant union of chocolate and peanut butter, these two companies never thought to join forces, and the rest is history.

1M, on the other hand, refuses to look back, instead devoting its resources to promoting pale yellow as the confetti color of choice.

IndirectTV

Binocular maker IndirectTV, which asks its customers, “Why pay for TV when your neighbor already does,” has struggled for years to invent a lens that can penetrate curtains and blinds. And with the ubiquity of home surround sound nowadays, the product’s total lack of audio is turning off tech-savvy buyers.

“I thought I was getting a deal,” says unhappy shopper Jacques Voyeur, “but my neighbor hardly watches TV at all. She just has naked pillow fights with her lingerie model friends all day.”

The company says it will have to close its doors if it can’t think of a new marketing pitch for the device.

Puppy&KittenChipper.com

This upstart equipment manufacturer has yet to sell a single one of its $3000 pet chipper units and will likely cease operations by late spring.

“We drastically overestimated consumer interest in a product that grinds up fluffy, cute animals and blasts their bloody pulp all over the wall,” laments company owner Jeffrey D.

Baby New Year hasn’t even started on creamed carrots yet, and 2011 is already shaping up to be the most electrifying news year since 423 AD, when we forgot how to make concrete. Don’t believe it? Then try sticking your finger in this light socket of truth:

Discovery Channel to air Tito Jackson colonoscopy

Cable station The Discovery Channel has cancelled the showing of a documentary about late pop singer Michael Jackson’s autopsy following complaints the show was gruesome and tasteless. In its place, station programmers have decided to air a medical special entitled “Tito Jackson: A colonoscopy.” Viewer discretion is advised.

“We promised our viewers a Jackson and a medical procedure, and that’s what they’re getting,” said Discovery Channel president Shana Plantain.

Another option programmers had considered was to exhume the remains of Andrew Jackson, America’s seventh President, on camera. However, it was later determined that an exhumation is not a medical procedure but, rather, a court order.

The quasi-religious police organization, known for renouncing physical intimacy and marriage, has often been the subject of speculation regarding just what goes on between master and pupil behind closed temple doors. But that mystery was blown wide open yesterday when ABC (Alderaan Broadcasting Company) aired a 60 Parsecs episode about a young Jedi apprentice, identified only as “Ben K,” who claims he has been living as his master’s de facto wife for the past three years.

News of the alleged abuse brought swift condemnation on the floor of the galactic senate. Said Naboo’s three-term Senator, Palpatine, “What’s wrong with these people? They take children away from their families, hand them deadly weapons, and make them wear weird robes. No wonder so many of them turn to evil.”

Congressman Pinky Middleton (D-Yavin) echoed Palpatine’s sentiments, telling reporters, “This is what happens when you privatize law enforcement. You get a bunch of egomaniacs who think they are above the law. Jedi leadership needs to oust the perpetrators if they want to save what’s left of their reputation.”

In a statement to the press this morning, Jedi grand master Yoda only said, “My own counsel will I keep on who is guilty!”

Giant glowing ball slips down pole in New York; Crowd below uninjured

Tourists in New York City’s Times Square neighborhood narrowly escaped death when a giant illuminated ball slid down a pole moments before midnight on Friday. A loud cheer went up from the crowd when people began to realize how lucky they were. Confetti canons, originally intended for use in a New Years celebration, were fired to show appreciation for the apparent act of divine intervention.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg praised the city’s construction workers who had earlier installed a safety stopper that prevented the five-ton ball from shattering and raining glass on unsuspecting revelers, but New York’s congressional rep Anthony Weiner said, “The thing never would have slipped in the first place if not for all these irresponsible budget cuts.”

A small, but vocal, group of Americans has vowed to continue its fight into an unprecedented 22nd decade demanding proof that President George Washington was born in the United States and not some place they call, “the colonies.”

Mainstream history books claim that the nation’s first President was born in Virginia, but members of the activist organization We Are Citizens Koncerned (WACKo) are not convinced.

“Mr. Washington was born in 1732,” says WACKo chairman Larry Crank, great great great great great grandson of the group’s founder, Jeremiah Crank. “We’ve studied the literature of the day, and nowhere does the phrase ‘United States of America’ appear. Hence, he was not born in the United States.”

The US Constitution says that a President must be a natural born citizen and cannot have wooden teeth, though the second requirement is often overlooked in Washington’s case.

“That’s a different battle for a different day,” explains Crank, whose goal is to erase Washington from history. “But, now that you mention it, isn’t a little odd that President Obama refuses to provide evidence that his teeth aren’t made of wood?”