About a month ago I told you about Mike’s and my latest project. Well here is an update.

It’s a lady.

Years before we were married, I said to Mike, “Hypothetically speaking someday — and you can’t say, ‘I don’t care as long as it’s healthy’ — would you rather have a boy, or a girl?” I figured he’d say a boy because boys want boys, at least that seems to be the general rule. But he didn’t hesitate for a second, and he said, “I would love to have a girl.”

Well obviously I would like to have a girl. You’re talking to the person who had an all-pink birthday party only four years ago and who just might be guilty of thumbing through the American Girl catalog once in a while. So when the ultrasound technician told me several weeks back that she thought our baby was a girl, my response was, “Good answer.”

Now that we’ve since had more ultrasounds confirming that it’s “definitely” a girl, I can say that this news comes as a very welcome milestone in a journey that, to be perfectly honest, has been one of mixed feelings for me. Of course it’s a blessing. Of course it’s going to be great. But when I found out I was pregnant, my shocked reaction was, “You mean that ‘last hurrah’ I’ve been looking forward to… has already happened? As in, finito? As in, my goose is cooked? Stick a fork in me, I’m done? Et tu, Brute?”

My 30th birthday party — for which the invitations had already gone out and for which we were planning to get day-drunk on mint juleps — was only a week and a half away. And while I was still going to clean my house from top to bottom and spend a week cooking and preparing, it would apparently be in order to watch everyone else get day-drunk on mint juleps while I crossed the threshold of 30 sober as a judge. FAIL. (My 31st birthday — usually one of the less significant ones — is going to be a BLOWOUT, let me just tell you.)

Since finding out about The Thing — Miss Thing, I suppose — I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I love my husband and my life, and how drastically it is all going to change. “For the better,” those who have been through it say, but I’m skeptical. I am not going into this expecting bunnies and rainbows and marshmallows.

I love sleeping for a minimum of 8 hours every night, and sitting in a quiet house, and running errands however it suits me, without having to lug a 10-pound weight in a car seat around with me. I have always been grateful for our easy and fun lifestyle, that we can jump up and go to the movies any time the mood strikes us, or sleep till noon if we want, or stay out late with our friends because there is no babysitter to relieve. I am not even moved by the sight of an adorable puppy. Instead, I see a poop machine that chews up your furniture and has to be taken out to pee at inappropriate hours. Too. Much. Responsibility.

But our lives are about to become consumed with and driven by responsibility. And so now the final countdown is on. I am relishing the hell out of every moment of quiet, every minute of uninterrupted sleep, every opportunity to get up and go to the [insert any destination], and I am focusing unapologetically on myself and what I feel like doing. Because once it’s over, it is O-V-E-R. I am enjoying what’s left of my “old” life, because there’s a new life around the corner, and my new life is here to stay. There’s none of that 18-years-ofesponsibility B.S. Once you are a mama, you are a mama forever.

As I was driving the other day I heard it mentioned on NPR that our new poet laureate is W. S. Merwin. Apparently I have been living under a rock, because I didn’t know this, but I immediately thought of my favorite lines from his poem, “Words from a Totem Animal”:

send me out into another life
lord because this one is growing faint
I do not think it goes all the way

In light of our recent developments, those lines struck me in an entirely new light.

Yep, I thought. Here we go. Out into another life.

And just as I am preemptively mourning the end of my carefree existence, Sister emails me this:

It IS a cute butt.

Bunnies and rainbows and marshmallows and YIPPEEEEE we’re having a girl!!! 😀

Hannah, you could have taken this entire post out of my journal about 20 months ago (right down to the part about being pissed that I couldn’t drink on my 30th). I still struggle with the overwhelming responsibility at times, but then there are times that are so magical that you can’t imagine it being any other way. Congrats on the baby girl. And yes, my 31st was a blowout.

love what you wrote… and as a new mom I 100% agree with you on all of this. Enjoy the time now… I am a little over a month into it and I relish the words of other moms with older babies saying “it will get easier” … bc. right now I can’t see beyond the few hours in front of me. it’s by far the hardest thing I have ever done… 24/7 non stop. my b-day is coming up next week and I can’t even get excited.. all I want is for the baby to sleep longer for my b-day.. is that too much to ask?

Hannah–this is a really well-written post. I have to say that the thing to keep in mind is that babies change your life as much or as little as you want them to. They are an adjustment, don’t get me wrong, but there are people who feel like you have to stop doing everything you love–going to the mall, to concerts, out to dinner–and start fitting into a baby’s schedule. And then there are people who feel like a baby fits into YOUR life, YOU don’t fit into a baby’s life. This is how Adrian and I live our lives and it’s been a great experience. She goes with us everywhere–to movies, to brunch on the weekends, dinner at friend’s houses, and she’s logged tens of thousands of air miles. You can still have as much of your independence as you want. Babies thrive on ROUTINE, but to me routine and SCHEDULE are two very different beasts… raise a flexible baby and you’ll never regret it. Just don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t still lead the life you live now (with a couple tweaks). 😉

I made many sacrifices for my children, but every smile, every hug from you more than made up for missing a night’s sleep, missing a movie or a party. I have no regrets. Yes, as a mother, I gave up a lot – but what I gained cannot be measured or described. I cannot imagine my life without you.

I believe you get what you give.

Selfish parents end up sad and lonely – and this is universal…

Remember the song:
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew
He’d say “I’m gonna be like you dad
You know I’m gonna be like you”

You will love this little girl as much as I love you! I’ve missed many nights of sleep, but I can tell you this: I’d give anything to miss a night of sleep if I could hold you in my arms again.

I can’t wait to hold my granddaughter and to build my life around her.

Everything will be fine….and believe me, one day you and Mike will look at each other and say “What did we really do before we had kids?”
Meaning that life is so sweet and fulfilling sharing it with someone so Precious and FUN!
PS: But, Yes…get all the rest you can NOW and savor those long relaxing baths.
Take Care…..

Hannah! I love this and and you and her! It is true and awesome. I am clutching desperately to my “all about me” life and yet everyone I know says the change is worth it times a billion. She will be the best little party baby ever. Yay new mama! Your 31st is going to be a RAGER. xx

When I was pregnant with my darling daughter, my mom said the most powerful words to me…..”There is no greater love than the love that you have for your child.” I honestly never knew what it felt like to love someone so deeply and so utterly completley until I met Margaret Ann and Joseph.
I can’t wait for the day that I can hold my beautiful niece in my arms.

Beautifully said, Shae. My children and my family are the joy of my life. Hannah….your future will be filled with love for and from your daughter. (and my grand daughter !)…you are about to experience what a blessed life is all about. Enjoy each moment. Love ‘ya

I love your blog. It is so smart and genuine….you know it’s good when I don’t even cook and I keep coming back for more…
I totally relate to how you feel. When I found out I was pregnant four years ago, I cried. And cried. And cried some more. And they were not tears of joy, but rather tears from mourning the life i once knew — with a dash of shear terror sprinkled in there.
But, as I am sure you’ve heard, being a mommy will be your most amazing accomplishment. The biggest joy of your life — hands down. It’s all in your perspective…don’t change who you are and being a mommy will fold into your life naturally and with ease. Make it an issue in your life and it will be. You’ll master what’s right for you.
BEST to you and Mike (and little baby!) CONGRATS!

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