It’s only a matter of time

Life isn’t easy for anyone. We all have our struggles. There’s something I’ve had to deal with for a long time now…

I’m going to be King of the World.

I know. Once I say it you see its inevitability too. It’s like when that bloke first proposed the wheel; it was obvious once it was said aloud.

It hasn’t been an easy burden to bear over the years. I try not to bring it up very often. It’s hard arguing with customer service at the local telecommunications shop when you know full well that, one day, you’re going to see the smarmy bastard beheaded and his fellow workers

Revelations like this can affect your friendships too. Suddenly guys want to sleep with you (the girls already did so there’s no change there), and everyone wants to be your mate. I want people to like me for me, not just because I could install them as the Duke of Asia. True friends of course will stick around, but it gets awkward when they realise that, in time, you’re going to take their wives as your own.

And until the masses finally rebel and install me as their supreme leader, I have to keep up the charade of democracy; sitting back watching the elitist dicks fight with each other from either side of the House of Representatives. Arguing over how to rob the poor further to help bolster their bulging pay packets and entitlements.

So in an effort to speed along the peaceful transition to a Doyle lead world, I’ve decided to lay out some of the key changes I plan to make when I ascend my throne.

The first order of business is to get the finest masons in the world to carve my throne from the face of Mount Everest. This will take two weeks… or they will be sent to the beer mines.

An artist’s impression of the Himalayan Throne, carefully drawn on a post-it note. This will also be the official blueprints for the engineers.

Jails will be renamed gaols, and then renamed beer mines. Prisoners, renamed beer minions, will pay their debt to society through beer production. Traditional breweries will be able to apply to have beer minions.

Beer will be taxed based upon its ‘deliciousness’, with the most delicious being tax free.

The state religions with be Jainism and Zoroastrianism. People will not be forced to follow them, and I’m not really sure what they’re about, but they have funny names. All state ceremonies will be performed by their customs.

Hungary will be renamed Hungaria. Bulgaria, Bulgary.

Those who say I should be Emperor of the World, not King, shall be executed. I’m King of the bloody world. How dare you question me!

Dwarven citizens will be able to apply to move to the Dwarven cities. Dwarves who apply will spend their lives within the cities, building and expanding them under the Caucasus Mountains in Central Europe. Permitted occupations include stone mason, blacksmith, farmer, miner, jeweller, brewer, trader. Daily battle-axe training will be mandatory for all. Compensation will be excessive, and attractive, in the form of jewels, gold and mead.

Thongs will be mandatory for all evening functions.

The Venetian shipyards will be reactivated, and Venetian Empire era ships will be built. All sea trade in and out of the Mediterranean will be awarded to Venetian merchants who will be forced to maintain a historically accurate 14th century lifestyle. Any of these merchants caught indulging in modern comforts will be sent to the beer mines.

The future of trade.

Tops will become optional for all women between the ages of 18 and 40.

Spelling will be standardised. All spelling will reflect my upbringing in the Commonwealth; colour with a u for example. If I were to write a word another way, it is not a typo or misspelling! I am infallible. As such this becomes the new spelling worldwide. Any books that do not conform must be burned and rewritten. This may occur daily.

Eagle Farm will be renamed Beagle Farm. Every house and business will be required to keep a beagle on premises. Those who refuse will have to keep two beagles – everyone gets a second chance. Those who continue to refuse will have their properties fenced in, a further beagle added per hour.

Anyone who survives a beagle-pocalypse after one month, or approximately 720 beagles, will be rewarded with titles and estates in Beagleby.

The new Archduke of Beagleby.

The Pope must be a Buddhist. The Dali Lama a Catholic.

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