"Slide" (said the little penguin.) - Part 7/11: "stop processing
everything, *honey*" [Home | Quicksearch | Search Engine |
Random Story | Upload Story]
Beta'd by Erin.
"Slide" (said the little penguin.) - Part 7/11: "stop processing
everything, *honey*" by Ralu
(Stop. Turn around for a second, look behind you. See your other world,
your other self caught in a still snapshot. You probably should take your
time, try to remember, re-live it once again. And again. And again. 'Til
it all comes back to you, 'til you're the same. But...you know that just
ain't possible anymore. Useless junk.)
****************************
Chris never says shit like "Come to bed, honey!"; he never calls him
"sweetie" or "darling" or whatever terms of endearment Gen used to. He
never ruffles his hair, never strokes his head backwards. He also never
does that half-shy/half-teasing twirl with his tongue that Gen used to do
whenever they were kissing.
Keller's kiss is deep, overwhelming, suffocating sometimes - his tongue
feels heavy and swollen in Toby's mouth, and his teeth almost always clash
with his own. Kissing Chris has nothing in common with the way he used to
kiss Gen. With the way he used to feel doing it. It's...overpowering, an
outright *dare*; not the little tease his wife used to throw in the game.
Beecher knows what all this means, all the things separating Chris from
Gen. All the little details (and he's not even talking about sex)
displaying themselves in front of him like small mirrors of his soul, each
showing him - if it's still necessary - just how much he's changed.
Ever since coming to Oz, he's constantly felt like shedding his skin, or
growing a new one; this place has forced him not only to adapt (read: try
to survive) but also to take a good look inside himself and witness all
the hidden fury, all the helplessness; all the lies. That simmering knot
of contradictory feelings and urges that he had felt and hidden all his
life had been exposed, and Toby had to either acknowledge and embrace
himself the way he really was - to make *all* of him legitimate - or lose
it completely. Give up, crawl in a corner and die.
He had chosen almost instinctively - surprising even himself - to fight
back; to reclaim himself through admitting to all of himself. The only way
to survive; the only way to recapture some fucking dignity. Accepting to
finally live with himself, as he truly was.
And...the really weird thing was that Keller - this man who kept spinning
around him like Toby was the center of the fucking universe or something -
LIKED this Toby. *Loved* this Toby. Embraced him completely, in a way Gen
would have probably never done.
He feels raw, completely exposed around Chris. Naked. He can throw
anything at the other man, and Keller inevitably responds in what seems to
Beecher to be an equal manner. No matter if it materializes in a simple
nod of acknowledgement, a hug or a fistfight. He's more honest around
Chris than he's ever been in his entire life.
Still, Keller and Gen have one thing in common - something that only
feeds that inner monster of addiction lurking inside Beecher: they both
carry around that shade of resentment, of disapproval. That slightly
quirked eyebrow, that wrinkle of the nose.
And that continuous flow of...whatever gives way for Toby to wrap himself
in a well-known pattern of addiction: an ugly squint met with an equally
ugly one; a mean word countered with an even meaner expression. Cynical
arguments and slammed doors replaced with all the bitching and moaning
both men are capable of. With violent fights and even more violent
silences.
Both Gen and Chris are - essentially - natural enablers; the difference
is that - with Chris - Beecher can do *everything*. There's little
restraint involved in this relationship, and when hell breaks
loose...well, there's no telling how deep the rabbit hole is.
It makes Toby feel alive. And terrified of his own power. His own
deliberate recklessness.
He does things to Chris he would have never even thought of doing to Gen.
And that kind of freedom, that kind of unbounded savagery is as good as
alcohol or heroin. Even better.
**************************
(Useless junk. Everything keeps spinning inside your head like a broken
record and you know you can't let go. Because it's the only thing that
really, REALLY matters. It's what you are.)
***************************
"This can't last forever," Beecher mutters, staring outside the pod into
the empty quad.
A hack walks by dangling his nightstick like a harmless toy; he bangs on
the pod's wall, telling Beecher without words to back off. Why the fuck
he'd do that, Toby doesn't know. It's a senseless act, like so many others
in this place.
"Hey. Tobe, come here."
Chris is sitting on his bunk doing this *thing* with his fingers...like
he's counting or something. Toby's noticed the subconscious gestures the
other man sometimes does, and he usually associates it, without even
thinking, with his son's habit of sucking on his thumb when he was a
little baby. (Back when...he could actually *witness* it.) He doesn't know
whether it is a sign of boredom or just a reflex, something he does
without even knowing. Without even caring someone else might see it.
Just like he's seen Chris staring at himself in the mirror sometimes, the
expression on his face...a contorted mess Toby can't quite identify. He
wonders for a moment if Chris ever feels like he doesn't know who or
*what* he is, just like Toby has done all his life. Probably. If there's
one thing he's learned about Keller, it's the fact that the other man has
some serious self-identity issues. It breaks through that cool mask of
his, like ugly cracks on a smooth surface; anyone can see them, if only
they're interested enough to watch. And Toby's interested all right.
Trying to pick up on anything that could show Keller for what he really
is; anything ugly, anything horrible. Any sign of...kindness. Trying to be
always one step ahead.
Beecher goes back towards the other man and sits down next to him.
"You really wanna get out of here, don'tcha?" Chris asks, leaning closer
to him.
Beecher just nods in agreement. Yeah, he definitely does. He's tired. He
wants to talk to Said; he wants to see Pete. He wants to play cards with
anybody except Keller - who always seems to win - he wants...he wants to
see his kids. His parents. He wants to fucking *move*.
Keller on the other hand, doesn't seem to want any of that.
"It's gonna be over soon, I'm telling ya. It usually doesn't last very
long," Keller mutters. His voice is oddly tinged with sadness.
"Is that the voice of experience?" Toby asks quietly. He doesn't want to
imply anything, he just doesn't feel like it. He's not after a fight, not
right now. He's too fucking tired, too fucking numb.
Keller doesn't reply. He almost instinctively places one hand around the
other man's shoulder, leaning his face into Toby's neck. He whispers
something, but Beecher doesn't understand. Doesn't hear...doesn't *want*
to hear, to be more precise.
He's swimming inside those murky waters of his over-active brain;
thinking of his kids, thinking of Holly's blue eyes; thinking of Gary's
thin, small fingers clasping his own, when he was just a toddler.
Thinking of...Andy. Of what he'd done to him. His shivering, sweat-soaked
body, the trembling of his voice. His insecurity, his *need* to believe
that someone, SOMEONE gave a shit about him.
"Jesus, being locked up like this really..."
"Gives you too much time to think, right?" Keller says, scanning his face
for some kind of a clue of how to get Toby back with him, where...(--he
fucking belongs.)
"Yeah," Beecher replies softly, rubbing his eyes with his palms.
"Wanna play some chess?"
Chris' voice is so low, so tentative. So insecure. He's taken his hand
away and is now leaning his elbows on his knees. Toby looks at him for a
long moment. Chris' eyes are all puppy dog bullshit, all 'Come on, I'm
just trying to...I'm doing my best here...'
"No?... Okay."
Chris stands up, grabs the cards from under the bunk and starts shuffling
them, spreading them on the floor.
Jesus, he's gonna play by himself, Toby thinks for a second.
And that, THAT right there - that's one of those moments when Keller says
more about himself that any bullshit talk they could ever have. This man,
this grown-up man is sitting on the floor, legs spread, chest bent over
the cards, playing by himself. Like a child. (A lonely child.) Looking
like he's done it all his life.
Keller notices his stare and looks up; the expression on his face -
strangely enough - reminds Toby of his own, when he was a child. He had
never been what one might call a popular kid. He'd never really had any
friends... Probably neither had Chris. Only lonely kids do this; this
`shuffle and spread' thing, all by themselves.
"Wanna..."
Jesus, his voice sounds like nothing Toby's heard from this man before.
It's almost frightening. And...comforting in a weird manner.
"Yeah," Beecher says, sitting on the floor next to him: "You deal."
Chris lets out a small chuckle, and shuffles the cards, looking like a
real expert. Something unsettling crawls up Beecher's spine, and a slight
red-hot shiver burns through his skull. Toby already knows, he *feels*
he's gonna lose. Or that Keller's gonna *let* him win. (--'Fucking
bitch.'--)
"You did it on purpose, didn't you?" Toby asks.
He should be angry, he should be annoyed. But...he's too fucking tired
for that. Give the little moron what he wants, he thinks, oddly relaxed.
"Toby," Keller says smiling, handing out Beecher's cards: "Don't you ever
stop thinking?..."
Beecher doesn't reply, just looks at him. And that odd comfort, that
closeness he needs, is so much a part of his life now - sitting here, next
to this man, this habitual liar, the man who broke his arms, the man who
says he loves him - he just can't help but smile back.
I'm so fucked up, Toby thinks, but he doesn't even want to process that
thought anymore.
"Just play," Chris adds, playfully squeezing his shoulder: "What the fuck
else is there to do?!.."
My point exactly, Toby thinks morosely.
**************************
(So days and nights slip through your fingers, my fingers. Let them. It's
who you are. And it's who I am. If only it were enough...)
---end of part 7/11---
Please send feedback to Ralu.