Lindy West

Uuuuuuugh, apps. Remember when the iPhone first came out and everyone was all peeing their jeans over pointless novelty apps? "Look! My phone looks like a glass of beer and then when I tilt it it looks like I'm drinking my phone!" "See, it's like my regular face, only now I have a craaaaaaaazy mouth!" "So, it's a picture of a zipper...and you can unzip it. Can't do that with a regular picture of a zipper, can you!?" Okay. So you're saying you spent $400 on a fake mustache and some got-your-nose uncle tricks. COOL STORY, CRISS ANGEL. You have truly redefined entertainment.

Like, I don't even have time to do the stuff I actually want to do—and you want me to sit around clicking a pretend-stapler or doing recreational data entry? DUDE, I'M BUSY. But that doesn't stop them. They just keep coming, nagging, begging for your $.99 in a gigantic virtual garbage bazaar. Ugh.

Lately when I hear folks talking about buzzy new apps—like Lulu, which allows women to post online reviews of dudes' penises—it seems like tons of them are for your genitals. Tons. (Because, I guess, your genitals weren't entertaining enough for you on their own?) So if this is a thing now—if we're all going to grow fleshy Videodrome smartphones where our gennies used to be—I figured I'd do a little market research. Here's a complete arsenal of smartphone apps to handle all your genital needs, from balls to butts. Enjoy.

A 25-year-old female Redditor has finally come up with a way to beat Reddit's r/CreepShots…
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But, of course, as a person who is opposed to non-consensual objectification on principle—not just when it applies to women—I think Lulu is pretty goddamn creepy. So does Slate:

You sign into Lulu via Facebook to prove you're a woman (or rather, that you've indicated your Facebook gender as "female"). You page through a list of all your male Facebook friends, award them points based on their looks, manners, spending habits, and ambition, then assign them hashtags for their strengths (#SexualPanther, #NotADick) and weaknesses (#NapoleonComplex, #WearsEdHardy). Then, the next time you're circling a romantic or sexual prospect in real life, just plug his name into Lulu to see what your (totally anonymous) virtual girlfriends have to say about him.

...It's the textual equivalent of leaking your ex's naked pics to the Internet-it's not wrong because it's sexual, it's wrong because it's nonconsensual.

Seriously seriously seriously. If there were a reliable, vettable, responsible way for women to warn other women about date rapists, for instance, that could have some genuine merit. But any system like this is vulnerable to massive abuse. Like, you know, publicly and vindictively ridiculing dudes' dick size and income. Gals, we're never going to win if we keep stooping to the same nasty, petty shit we're fighting against. You're just giving the MRAs more tantrum fodder. Cut it OUT.

Playbook is a stupid skeezy app that lets you brag to your bros about your hookups, inserting…
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Oh, cool—it's like Lulu, but for dudes to rate ladies, which means it's way way way worse! Instead of at least pretending to have some constructive social value (Lulu's founder genuinely thinks it'll help improve people's dating lives), Playbook's purpose is to "let you brag to your bros about your hookups, inserting ratings and degrading commentary along the way." Great job as usual, bros!

A discreet condom delivery service, eh? How novel! The new SOS Condoms iOS app (available only in…
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This is a "discreet condom delivery service," for when you want to stick it in there but you were too lazy to go to the goddamn store earlier. So now you need Sir Lancelot to gallop into the bedroom and "discreetly" shower you and your lady in prophylactics. Rrrrrrrrromance!!! This reminds me of an infomercial I used to see all the time for a Keith Sweat compilation, which was available for rush delivery. Every time it came on, my roommate would go, "Could you hurry up? I'm having a KEITH SWEAT EMERGENCY." Those "Keith Sweat Emergency" deliveries should probably come with free condoms.

If you've always wondered how big your penis is, but don't want to look at it or touch it (gross!), just download Predicktor! It's a tiny magical soothsayer who lives in your phone and knows everything about your penis. Predicktor looks at "a number of criteria, including height, shoe size, finger length and sexual orientation to estimate a man's penis size to the tenth of an inch." (Because, according to Predicktor, gay men have longer, thicker penises.") OR YOU COULD, YOU KNOW, JUST LOOK AT YOUR OWN STUPID PENIS INSTEAD OF GETTING A MIDDLE MAN INVOLVED. Seriously, this is the weirdest shit.

Men: have you always wanted to measure the length of your erect penis and see how it compares to…
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It's an app that "helps" men measure their penis size, which they can then upload and compare to other men's penises around the world. Ooooh, a small handheld device that measures length, you say? If only we had something that in real life! IT'S A RULER, YOU GUYS. IT'S A FUCKING RULER. To measure the girth, you literally have to get a piece of string—analog string—and wrap it around the penis and then hold it up to the magic measurement machine on the phone. I'm going to lose my goddamn mind.

If you're looking for one more way to neurotically track your body's every move, a…
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This is a service that helps you track your body's signals to figure out if you're ovulating or not, to give you a better chance of having a baby or not. So it's kind of like...a calendar. If your calendar incessantly asked you questions about your cervical mucus.

You know how you post pictures on Facebook? Yeah, people look at that stuff. If your privacy…
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This app uses its perverted computer brain to comb through your Facebook friends' photo albums and find all the pictures of them wearing underpants or a bikini. So then you can masturbate to your aunt's vacation in Key West, I guess. Go nuts.

Ugh, bra shopping is the worst, right? Like, how am I supposed to tell what fits me if I don't have a special x-ray vision device to look at Slovakian supermodels in their underwear? Thank god you're here, Wonderbra.

PSA: October is breast cancer awareness month, so it's a good opportunity to make sure…
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It's a breast cancer awareness app that reminds you to do self-exams and schedule mammograms. I'm not opposed to this at all, but, again, how is it different from a calendar and a free BSE pamphlet? Does everything have to be an app?

Do you want to analyze butts, but wish a computer would form your opinions for you? When you eagerly cast your eyes upon someone's butt, do you see only an immense, gnawing Nothing? Well don't even sweat that shit, Atreyu! Butt Analyzer is here for you. You just upload a pic of a butt and then Butt Analyzer tells you whether or not you think the butt is hot. But don't take it from me—listen to these satisfied customers!

This is hilarious and it gave my butt a 9 out of 10

Was fun til all the girls get mad my butt rating was better than theirs lol

Hey morons your giving this developer permission to take any and or all photos off your sd card not to mention the one you took of your butt. Why ??? Because doctor idiot on tv said it was cool ! SHEEP

This is definitely the best one of the bunch. You can tell it's the best because it costs TEN DOLLARS. That's ten human dollars. From America. Ten. And it's a bargain, considering that not getting penis diseases is PRICELESS. Here's just a taste of the awesome penis advice you're going to get from this ten-dollar app:

Pain in the penis or painful sensations of its covering skin are quite often to be the sign of different diseases both of the penis and the urinary tracts. Many of painful conditions of the penis can start due to small injuries, such as bruise or scratch, possibly received when being involved in sport contest or at rubbing against clothes.