The most important part of getting what you want may be asking for what you want. Drumming up the courage and confidence to ask for a raise, respect in a relationship or a better grade will pay off in the long run. Learning how to recognize your desires and deftly ask for what you want is an important skill.

Steps

Part 1

Identifying What You Want

1

Decide what you want. If you don’t know what you want, you can’t ask for it. Think about your desires until you are no longer ambivalent or confused about what you want. [1]

2

Make sure someone can give you what you want. If the thing you want is subjective, such as “a fulfilling life,” you cannot ask someone else to provide it for you. Take responsibility for things that others, such as children or spouses, don’t have the ability to directly provide.

3

Establish objectives for subjective desires. For example, decide what would make a life more fulfilling. If you decide a vacation would help you feel fulfilled, you can decide to ask for vacation time at work and ask your partner to use some of your combined savings for a vacation together.

4

Write down what you want. Verbally expressing yourself to others is much harder than writing down goals on paper. Pretend like you are writing a letter to the person you intend to ask.

5

Get creative. If you’ve gone through this process and still don’t know how to make what you want into something quantifiable, talk to someone who helps you tap into your creativity. Take an art class or a hike in a natural setting, which can help you think more creatively about a problem.

6

Be reasonable. If you are requesting a salary raise, make sure it is something you know the company can give. If you are hoping to spend more time with your family, make a request for weekly family activity time, instead of daily. [2]

Part 2

Crafting a “Big Ask”

1

Discuss the problem. If you are trying to solve something, then lead with a clear introduction and a single reason it is important.

Try “I’ve been thinking about how to move toward my 5-year plan at the company,” if you are asking for a raise.

Tell a partner “It’s often frustrating when we don’t have enough time to spend together. I’d like to fix that,” if you want to ask for a vacation or date night.

2

Ask for what you want soon after starting your conversation. Don’t give the other person a chance to get distracted. You have segued with the previous step, so jump into it.

Say “That’s why I would like to look at applying for a promotion today” or “I want to look at spending more time together on a weekly basis.”

3

Be clear. Assume that no one is up to date with what you want and why you want it. Avoid the temptation to assume people are “mind-readers.”

4

Be honest. Don’t make up reasons why you should get what you want. If you must use reasons, pick 1 to 3 important reasons why this affects you and state them succinctly.

Avoid using too much evidence, if you are having a relationship conversation. You can make the person feel as if you have a long list of complaints. They may get defensive.

Try to cite examples, if you are asking for something at work. Say “I’ve been increasing my production numbers quarterly since I started with the company.”

5

Use “I feel” statements, if you are addressing things that make you emotional.[3]

Say “Sometimes I feel burnt out after work, and it is exhausting to do the dishes. Can you please do them on days I work late.”

Say “I feel” when addressing some work situations. For example, “I feel like I have put my full commitment and creativity into this project, and I’d like to have the opportunity to have prove I can do larger projects.”

6

Listen to the response. You may be asked to address issues before the person says, “Yes.” You may feel nervous, but try to be attentive and ready for a discussion.

Nod your head slightly to confirm you are paying attention.

Part 3

Avoiding Potential Problems

1

Pick a time to ask. Put it on your schedule and reward yourself if you follow through.

2

Choose the correct person to ask. If you need to ask more than 1 person, you may want to call an impromptu meeting of family or managers, so that you can leave with an answer. [4]

3

Don’t ask someone for something important when you are angry or emotional. You will not express yourself accurately, and people are less likely to give you what you want. Remember the adage, “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,” and be sweet.

4

Make sure you are being fair to the person you are asking. Having someone ask you something big can be uncomfortable, but choose a time when they are not obviously stressed or overburdened. You will help yourself and the other person. [5]

5

Don’t be a sore loser. You will not always get a “Yes.” Hold your head high and understand it took courage to ask.

Be grateful. Say “I appreciate you taking the time to discuss this with me.”

6

Ask again. Researchers at Stanford found out people are more likely to say “Yes” the second time around. People get uncomfortable being asked favors twice, and change their answer.

Lead with “I really think it’s important to discuss a promotion/a charity cause/our goals, since we talked I researched some more things that might interest you.” Then reaffirm that you think your desire is a good idea for both of you. [6]