Flirting 101

The Art & Science of Flirting 101 … today’s lesson once again began at the Fracture Clinic. The first day of class was back on October 4, 2017 when the ER doctor said “Lisa, stay there and don’t move. You have a really bad fracture. I will get someone to splint it.”

And in walked Daniel* … my knight in shining plaster. The Orthopedic Technician. Tall, black, and handsome. Broad shoulders and geeky glasses. He stuck his head in the waiting room and told me to sit tight while he fetched a wheelchair to wheel me the fracture room. Gently, he helped me in and out of the chair and onto a bed, and talked to me so sweetly that I almost didn’t realize he was flirting with me. Reverent of women … perhaps raised by a strong mom? He made me feel safe and well taken care of instantly. Be still my heart! My chemo brain fog doesn’t recall all of our conversation, but I remember how good it felt to be flexing Heather’s come-hither muscles, which I had decided to put on ice until I finished my cancer treatment. That lasted all of three days.

It only took me three seconds to size him up as a potential mate. That’s all the time it takes. Did you know that our eyes – the windows to our soul – take in over 7 gigabytes of data per second? The original supercomputer. Look him in the left eye and connect to his right brain.

I sell myself to him.

I told him flirty stories. Daniel laughed, tsk tsked my naughty behaviour and buried his face in his hands when I told him how far I had walked on my broken ankle. “Girl, somebody up there must love you! You are so lucky that bone didn’t separate and come out the other side!” I mumbled something about not having any luck, otherwise, I wouldn’t have broken my leg in the first place. He reminded me It Can Always Be Worse. Indeed. I know it well.

I forgot to lock the wheelchair and it pushed back while he was getting my leg settled into the boot cast and Daniel smiled lopsidedly and said, “That’s ok, I’m used to chasing women. Come back here.” He gently pulled me forward towards him and I melted. Again, I can see that Jamaican mom to whom he is very close to. He holds her up on a pedestal and is trying to find a women who fits. I melt even more.

Our eyes locked. My eyebrow raised. He smiled. I smiled an even wider grin. I’ve just given him the green light to fill my dance card.

Did you notice what transpired? There was wit, body language and wooing.

It’s that slow, sultry salsa that two people engage in when indulging in flirtatious behaviour. Whether you realize it or not, it is as intricately choreographed as the ballet. The movements and signals are subtle yet unmistakeable … we speak a vital but silent language exchanging very critical and astounding information about our sexual fitness.

I barely noticed the orthopedic surgeon during my fourth visit today … or the nurse who tried to slide in between me and Daniel*. Nice try, Sweetheart! I’ve got my game on.

Ooooohh! See that primitive spurt of jealously? Competition … This is our basic instincts at work. Senses heightened. Let the games begin. I’ll fight for my man.

Flirting hints at the promise of sexual intimacy. It’s an integral sport indulged in to lure your potential love interest inside your titillating web of of desire. The objective is to mate. Why do we pretend to be coy when the message is implicit? Because it’s all about what might happen—what could happen.

Temptress. Tease. Touch.

That smoldering look when the sparks fly. Eye contact held a little longer. Coy banter. Flattery gets you everywhere. Batting eyelashes. Smiling. Laughing. Casual Touching. Conspicuous proximity. Footsies if we are close enough.

What are some of the recommendations to improve your batting average?

~ Steal glances … Daniel noticed when I arrived at the clinic. I saw his sidelong look my way and his eyes followed me to x-ray.

~ Make eye contact. Look directly into their eyes and hold the gaze … Our eyes met again across the clinic.

~ Then smile … I flashed him my biggest, most welcoming grin.

~ Speak up and ignite the conversation. Say something funny and flirty. Drop your voice to a husky whisper as if your words are for their ears only. No cheesy lines … Daniel dropped by and leaned against the door frame to my hospital room. He asked me how I was. I said “We didn’t win” referring to the LottoMAX ticket he told me to purchase the last time I was in for my checkup. When he told me how lucky I was and that I needed to buy his next ticket, I seductively suggested we share. “I’ll buy our ticket tonight” I said as I left.

~ Introduce yourself only by your first name. Leave some mystery … “Hello. I’m Lisa.” But he knew that because it said so on my x-ray.

~ Flirt with your body. Cock your head to the side, look adorable and play with your hair …He clasped the back of his neck, which made him seem taller and bigger by puffing out his chest. We have each signalled our interest in each other as predictably and instinctively as peacocks fan their tails.

And my gaze raised then dropped to noticed his hands.

~ Wear something red … I licked my pink lips unconsciously.

~ Break the touch barrier … My hand brushed his arm as I left the clinic, fingers trailing along his bicep.

~ Wrap it up and leave them wanting more. Be the first to break contact … “See you in three weeks!” I purred with a smile.

Mark December 13th on your calendar. Does Heather score a date with her dashing saviour? Will cupid have mercy on us? How far can I take this, I wonder? Frustrating cat and mouse chases play in my mind. Should I invite him out dancing? Could I leave him a note with my number on it? Will he call me? Why the pretense? We mutually understand the gestures. It’s a way to sample the field and see who’s receptive.

“Flirting is a negotiation process that takes place after there has been some initial attraction. Two people have to share with each other the information that they are attracted, and then test each other on an array of attributes.” found Steven W. Gangestad, Ph.D., a psychologist who studied how we choose our mates. (1)

Daniel knelt down in front of me to fix my cast. He wouldn’t let me leave with it on improperly. “You need a man to take care of you,” he said. Yes. Yes I do. And I like your confidence. Are you making an offer for the position? Because I am accepting. This is the business conduct of sex.

Girl capuchin monkeys throw rocks at the boys to get their attention. She will even play with his hair, then run away, pouting and posing when he looks at her. The redder and more swollen a female baboon’s ass, the more aroused she is.

No wonder red is the colour of love! And we thought it had something to do with our hearts, not our asses.

Insects bring gift baskets of food. Roosters take their chick out for dinner by sharing his meal. Boy birds sing and bust a move on the dance floor, making grandstand displays of their feathers to attract a girlfriend. Or they build her a castle.

I’d love that.

If I was April the Giraffe and he was Oliver, he’d hit on me like the creepy dude at the nightclub, trying to smack my butt and make me pee. Then he’d lick it … ewww … who knew golden showers reigned in the animal kingdom?!

I much prefer the silent language our human bodies use to signal attraction. You know that incredibly energy you get when you’ve met someone delicioulsy attractive. You just feel like skipping down the street while breaking into song. Your self-esteem reboots. Your sense of exhilaration has you walking on air … that feeling of being alive brightens with megawatt intensity. Your joyfulness gets all your senses fired up into peak condition. Everything around you is brighter and happier. Relish the moments. They are what make us feel alive.

It’s my favourite game.

The Fox

P.S. Today was November 22nd! The Number 22 always has something to say to me …