What I Can’t Have

Everyone wants to be in a relationship, right? You think of that one person almost all the time, you get butterflies in your stomach every time you get to see them, and most importantly you want to make them laugh, smile, and even cry. If you’re single like me, you find yourself watching a hopeless romantic film, stuffing your face with extra buttery popcorn, and asking yourself why why why can’t I have that??! Then reality hits. Maybe you can have that, but you’re shoving it away like a bad plate of food.
I’m one of those people that constantly jokes about being single. Maybe it’s because it helps me to cope with the fact that I have been single for what seems like forever or maybe it’s because I’m completely comfortable with being single. For the longest time, I thought it was the first one but as time has run its course, I have realized that I just enjoy being single.

I know I’m only 16. Crazy, right? Some sixteen-year-old ranting about being single. For those of you that aren’t in high school, do you remember what it was like? I see couples with their tongues down each other’s throats every damn day. I have to hear my friends constantly talking about their boyfriends or girlfriends or how much they like this one person and canreallyseethemselveswiththembecausetheylikethemalotandthinkthattheymightlikethemback.

The last relationship I was in was two years ago. Before you roll your eyes and shrug that idea off, let me tell you this: I have always been mature for my age and the guy I was with was an entire year older than me. Even though I was only fourteen, it was still a very real relationship. I’m going to hold nothing back: I loved him. It only lasted six months, but I loved him; I woke up every morning thinking of nothing but his smile and the way that I could make him laugh like no one else could. The chemistry I had with him has never been recreated with anyone else I’ve been with. It was, quite honestly, one of the most amazing things that ever happened to me. Then we broke up at the beginning of my freshman year and it took me until my sophomore year to get over him.

Then I was with another guy for a little while during my sophomore year. He was really cool and I liked him a lot, but we never made anything official; I actually have no idea what to call the “thing” that we had. We knew each other’s parents, we hung out in public, we kinda even acted like a couple, but we never called ourselves a couple. Then we broke up. I’d actually had the shittiest birthday week possible when it ended but,for the record, I woke up the next morning like a princess. I literally slept it all off.

Those weren’t the only two opportunities I’ve had to be with someone, though. They’re just the only two that I took advantage of. Why is that?

At first, I thought that I couldn’t be in a relationship because of my first break-up. I compared everything any guy did to him and it was so hard to find something somewhat similar to what we had.

Then I concluded that I just have higher standards. I’ll admit that I do hold guys at a very high standard. Why? Maybe I hold myself at too high of a standard. I expect things that I can’t and shouldn’t expect from one person.

Something happened recently, though, that really caught me off guard. It was something that had been in the back of my mind for ages, something I wasn’t quite sure if I should admit. My friend confronted me one day last week and asked rather bluntly, “Are you scared of being in a relationship?”.

Well, damn.

I asked her why she thought that.

“Well, Mia, you always seem to go after the guys that you can’t have, like guys with girlfriends.”

So I go after off-limit guys?

“And then when the guy decides that he wants you, you run…”

Awh, shit.

It’s true, though. I’ve never liked a guy that is currently single. Ever. I’ve never liked a guy that wants a relationship. (I would like to throw out a disclaimer: I have never been with a guy who has a girlfriend. I’m not that low.)

Am I scared? What would I be scared of? Cheating? Commitment? Both? Those are honestly the two things that come to by mind when I think of being in a relationship with someone. Will they cheat and will I be able to commit? There’s the argument that all the relationships that I was supposed to look up to, ended in cheating. It’s been a part of my life since I was small. I’m also not the type of girl that puts everything down to run over and help her boyfriend. I’m not that comforting when he needs me. I sure as hell don’t make fucking sandwiches unless I really like him. Maybe I’m just not girlfriend material.

Then when I’m with a guy, I’m constantly looking at other guys. I’m naturally a very flirty person so, regardless if I’m dating someone or not, I will flirt with other people. And, to be fair, I don’t really care if my guy flirted with other girls. That’s natural, especially for teenagers.

I also don’t like to constantly see people. It’s almost expected for high school couples to see each other every day and spend every waking minute together. Both of my boys mentioned before went to completely different schools than me. I didn’t see them daily. I probably couldn’t have handled to see them daily. I’ve tried to be with guys who I go to school with, but they always want to hold my hand in the hallway and I’m just like NO DUDE I DON’T WANT TO HOLD YOUR FREAKING HAND ALL THE TIME AND I ESPECIALLY DON’T WANT TO FREAKING KISS YOU BEFORE AND AFTER EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. CLASS. I’m a girl who likes her space, I guess.

What I’m trying to conclude is: maybe I’m just not a relationship type of person. Maybe I’m just the type of girl who likes things to be chill. I’m not saying that I’m a hookup type of person because that’s completely out of the question. I just know for a fact that it takes a special guy to be able to hold my hand in public and it sure as hell takes a special guy for me to want to spend time with him.

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the girl behind the blog

hi and welcome to my blog! i’m mia, the content creator, blogger, knitter and obsessive cat lady. i’m currently a college student studying español + français. i’m an aspiring adult, and an avid harry potter enthusiast. join me every-other week as i bring you my twenty-something year-old musings + various lifestyle advice and tips that i bring to you from the keyboard of my little computer in some coffee shop in a place i call my home.