According to popular myth, if you can have a successful, demanding career you cant have a great sex life—the time and energy consumed by the first all but preclude the latter. Simply not true: Many people with the highest performance level at work also have the greatest sexual capacity. And job-related fatigue per se is rarely the cause of an ongoing loss of libido: People often rest or find renewed vigor by shifting from one kind of activity to another, and sex can be very relaxing and energizing after a full, challenging day at the office. Certainly, physical tiredness financial burdens, concerns, about work and deadline pressures can all dampen sexual desire and fulfillment once in awhile; the problem is when these are allowed to become chronic sources of trouble in bed.

What is essential is how you feel about your work, whether you're doing it because you want to, force yourself to or simply have to, and whether you're also consistently overburdened with the care of home and children. A woman who works hard, not by choice, but out of seemingly endless financial and familial obligation, is apt to be under so much stress and to feel such repressed resentment and anger that the last thing on her mind is any kind of pleasure, including sex. If she seeks relief from household burdens, she may feel too guilty or hurt or unassertive to communicate openly and honestly with her husband—and it is precisely her guilt, her inability to assert, to express her needs and desires that are the origin of her sexual distress, not her physical condition. (Such a woman is also not likely to be open and articulate about her needs or desires in bed, either).

Some people become compulsive, self-driven workaholics in order to reduce inner feelings of anxiety; they seldom feel much sexual desire, not because of their responsibilities or long working hours, but because of their underlying tension and insecurity, their motive for overworking. Such individuals have learned--though often without knowing it—that when they're nervous or panicky, it somehow makes them feel better just to be busy and active, to "make work" even when there is very little to do—and often at the expense of personal relationships. In our society, work is a very common behavioral tranquilizer.

Sex, too, is frequently misused for similarly neurotic, self-centered reasons (by sexaholics) rather than a joyful experience of intimate sharing and relating. If you make love simply to reaffirm self-worth, to relieve feelings of anxiety or depression, your partner will ultimately sense this—and feel "used" and resentful. Sometimes, anxious, performance-oriented individuals apply the work-ethic mentality in the bedroom, misguidedly thinking that sex must culminate in some specific goal in order to be "successful," such as researching orgasm or keeping up with the national average instead of being enjoyed and indulged in for its own sake. This rigid, goal-oriented attitude can certainly undermine pleasure and ultimately dampen the desire for sex.

Then there are those who become single-mindedly devoted to work in order to rule out the possibility of intimacy or emotional involvement. They deliberately—though often unconsciously—arrange their lives so that being in the mood for sex becomes very unlikely; they are constantly busy or tired or tense or somewhere else—actually or mentally. In this case, the busy-ness and tiredness are convenient rationalizations for avoiding sex without suffering the guilt that accompanies a direct refusal. To be effective for this kind of problem, therapy must focus on the reasons for fleeting from close commitment, not merely the outward obsession with work. Getting to the source of the self-destructive behavior pattern is the first curtail step to a final solution.

Underlying Causes
The real reasons for an avoidance of intimacy may lie in a deep-seated fear of conflict originating in early childhood or in the relationship with one's parents. Or perhaps something one partner does can induce anxiety in the other and thereby diminish the sexual urge.

Often, people shy away from sexual contact because they fear becoming or being perceived as too vulnerable. Once you open yourself up sexually—especially to someone you love--you are making a heavy emotional investment, with all the painful risk that possible rejection or loss entails. Although most of us are not consciously aware that we fear abandonment and rejection, this form of anxiety can disrupt sexual functioning.

Oddly enough, fear of success can also undermine sexuality. One of the greatest, most exhilarating successes of life is to have a rich, deeply satisfying physical relationship with someone you love. And, self-denying as it may sound, people are often afraid of and overwhelmed by this—it is too much, too good. Very few can acknowledge this fear of being happy and successful in love. Instead, they find excuses: "I have no time," or "I have to devote myself to my job." When a person complains of a diminished sex drive, the therapist must determine whether or not a true inhibition exists: A woman may report that she has no desire for her husband and only has sex perfunctorily, in order to accommodate him. However, it turns out that she is in love with another man and has an intense desire for him--then obviously she is not sexually inhibited. She just does not love her husband. Conversely, a woman may love and admire her husband and be interested in no one else, yet feel nothing in bed, whereas with a stranger for whom she does not care she experiences pleasure and desire: This is a true inhibition and she is in need of help.

While most sexual difficulties have psychological roots, any number of physical conditions or medical disorders are capable of producing the same effects. For example, a low level of testosterone (the stimulating desire-arousing male hormone both present in men and women) can inhibit the sex drive as can excess of estrogen, say, from supplements taken during menopause. (Oral contraceptives contain doses too small to be significant). Chronic illness is another possible cause, as is depression. And then there are the sense-dulling narcotics and alcohol. Lack of desire can even be one of the earliest signs of liver disease. So get a physical check-up too, if you experience any long-term sexual dysfunction.

Early Competition
Some people become so genuinely obsessed with the competition and with "making it" in certain high-pressure occupations—law business, medicine, etc. —that they temporarily give up everything else in the process, including sex. This is a common phenomenon among the highly ambitious, especially during the entry years when they're first launching a career and establishing an identity. Whether we label this kind of activity "normal" or "pathological" largely depends on our definition of these words--there is no arbitrary standard regarding sexual behavior. Once you get on the competitive treadmill, however, such an exclusive all work/no play life pattern can become a hard-to-break habit, even when it is no longer appropriate-say, if you have become relatively secure and established in your field.

Couples who are at the same stage of development in their marriage—both just embarking on a career or aiming for the top, may, despite their mutual love and caring, become so involved in their professional pursuits that they have little time to nurture a physical relationship. The same problem can arise if one partner is still trying to build a reputation while the other is well settled. A successful, 50-year-old business executive who wants to slow down and enjoy sex may find that his wife has decided to return to graduate school--and is unavailable or unable to share his enthusiasm for "the good life." Conversely, a woman may be sure of herself professionally and otherwise ready for sex--especially if her children are grown and contraception is no longer an issue—but her husband now has his last and best shot at the company presidency and he just isn't home.

The Working Environment
The quality of the workplace is a very important determinant of mood, feeling and emotional health. If you feel trapped in a job, if your work is frustrating, humiliating or tedious, your surroundings or colleagues unpleasant, or of you're involved in something you consider ethically incompatible with your own beliefs—any and all of these factors can make you profoundly depressed, physically ill and unresponsive to sexual pleasure.

Sometimes chronic problems on the job cam slow down your sex drive indefinitely if you are unable or unwilling to resolve them. Indeed, any failure at work--being fired, demoted, reprimanded, demoralized—can so badly damage self-esteem that it can have sexual repercussions. If the above is true, does the opposite also follow--can a stimulating, healthy working environment enhance your sex life? Will staying home make it all drab and boring, and deaden your appetite? The fact is: You will have a good sex life if you want to and are basically well adjusted; it doesn't matter whether you work or stay at home. Though work definitely has therapeutic value, particularly for the mildly depressed, its not going to deliver you from your won neuroses or guarantee healthy sex.

The anxious, passive woman who "hides out" at home, not out of dedication to the children but simply to avoid the competition, is as likely to have sexual difficulties as the one who uses her job to "hide out" from emotional involvement. On the other hand, the woman who has made a creative, joyful constructive choice to devote herself to home and family is as unlikely to have sexual hang-ups as the one who is enthusiastically committed to a freely chosen career.

Your underlying motives for either staying home or being active and ambitious on the job eventually determine the quality of your sex life. Should desire help, knowing why you make certain choices and behave in particular ways can enable both you and your therapist to decide the most appropriate course of treatment.