Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Blawnox, PA - As a long-time independent and a 20 year run in an also-ran conference of meatballs, Pitt finally enters into a legitimate conference. In their first year in the ACC, the pundits picked Pitt to finish 5th in their division. But let's get a little more specific and outline exactly how, and why, the games will end up. The season officially begins in a few short days so let's get started there.

1. Florida State @ Pittsburgh: Both teams are starting a new QB. FSU loses EJ Manuel to the first round of the NFL and Pitt loses Tino Sunseri to the Galapagos turtle colony. On defense, Pitt returns 9 starters with 2 of them being actually decent players and the rest a bunch of mediocre cheeseballs. FSU has a bunch of over-hyped, over-recruiter, poorly coached cheeseballs so this is a push. In the end, Pitt is as Pitt does and they fumble at the one yard line going in for the winning score in the 4th quarter. Also, it's a big game with a national tv audience at home...so there's that.
Final result: FSU: 20, Pitt: 16.

2. New Mexico @ Pittsburgh: Pitt starts out slow, which is a bad sign. New Mexico blocks a punt and scores from the 10 yard line. They return a kickoff for a TD. Pitt QB, Tom Savage, is replaced in the 3rd quarter by a bucket of chicken (through praying to both Joboo and Colonel Sanders), who brings the team back from a 17-3 deficit to 17-13 by the end of the 4th quarter. A defensive lapse leaves Pitt on a 4th and 1 but confusion on the sideline leads to not calling the timeout. The game clock strikes zero with both the field goal unit and the starting offense on the field, with confused faces and hands in the air.
Result: UNM: 20, Pitt 17.

3. Pittsburgh @ Duke: A late season hurricane passes through North Carolina leaving a mess on the field. In front of 12 total fans, Duke returns a fumbled punt in the 2nd quarter for a 7-0 lead. Pitt, with several open scholarships after several more players quitting the team, signs 2 Mallard ducks at half-time to the squad (team names them: Donald and Daffy). Donald takes the reigns under center with Daffy in the backfield. Running the Pistol, they move down the field easily to tie the score at 7-7. Unfortunately, a redneck fan shoots both ducks and Tom Savage returns to the field for Pitt. Eventually, Duke gets in a field goal and wins the game. The teams come together afterward for a post-game duck meal.
Result: Duke: 10, Pitt 7.

4. Virginia @ Pittsburgh: In strange fashion, Virginians come to work in Western Pennsylvania for the first time since 1857 versus the traditional WPA person going to Virginia. Virginia, as is their standard operating procedure, acts snooty at their hotel. The starting QB gets punched out by a Yinzer at the McDonald's at Station Square but ends up able to play. UVA starts the game, trying to give it away with 3 turnovers in the first half. Pitt, being the cordial hosts, gives up 4 turnovers in the first half. Heading into the first quarter, Pitt is granted 3 points by new NCAA rules that allow the home team a few points if they're complete idiots. So with Pitt winning 3-0, they pooch-kick the opening kickoff, which is returned for a TD, thereby proving that Gdo hates Pitt, also proving that Pitt is stupid, regardless of coach or administration. Eventually, UVA just runs the ball straight at a beleaguered Pitt defense and scores on a 1 yard TD where the Pitt defense is distracted by singing "Sweet Caroline."
Result: UVA: 10, Pitt 3

5. Pittsburgh @ VA Tech: Starting their ACC opening season 0-4, Pitt is looking for some hope. Luckily, it's "bitch" is 5th on the schedule. Pitt shows up on Friday in Blacksburg and the players take to campus. They bring booze, weed, and no condoms. Nine months later, Hokie-nation is spitting out newborns who speak "Yinzer-ease," and no one understands what's going on. Game time starts and in typical fashion, Pitt pistol-whips the Hokies early and often. It will be the best game of the season, as always.
Result: Pitt, 38, VA Tech, 17.

6. Old Dominion @ Pittsburgh: In typical fashion, Pitt is losing to a I-AA team for most of the game. Pitt takes the opening drive for an early lead but quickly fall to 7-10 and the shoot-out is on. ODU's QB, a kid who actually doesn't even know the rules of football or quite how to play it, throws for 400 yards and 4 td's. ODU is up by 5 late but the dumb ODU QB throws a pick-6 with 2 minutes remaining to save Pitt from the embarrassment of 2 straight seasons of I-AA losses.
Result: Pitt, 42, ODU, 40.

7. Pittsburgh @ Navy: Feeling some momentum, Pitt travels to Naptown against the Middies. They have a Goat mascot, which makes zero sense for a bunch of sailors, but I digress. The Middies do their usual stuff, and Pitt can actually run the ball WITHOUT fumbling. In remembrance of Barbara Bush, it turns ugly and Pitt takes control of the game.
Result: Pitt, 38, Navy, 20.

8. Pittsburgh @ GA TECH: GT is a really nice bunch of guys. And the team plays the same type of offense as Navy, only against dumber players. Pitt uses the same game plan but feels bad so fumbles a few times to make it interesting. But end up getting back to .500.
Result: Pitt, 38, GT, 28.

9. Notre Dame @ Pittsburgh: Notre Dame enters the game 9-0 and ranked #2 in the country. The Priests can smell both, the young boys within 2 miles of the stadium and another BCS Championship game. In typical Pitt fashion, they play their best in a game they have no business doing so. The Irish, after paying off the refs at half-time and getting gift calls, pull close. But the Pitt players retaliate by having their way with the ND cheerleaders, thereby leading to total protonic reversal. Professor Venkman studies the resulting DNA samplings and concludes that this magic sauce was first created when Slimer mated with Sigourney Weaver. The game ends when a giant marshmallow scores Pitt's final TD.
Result: Pitt, 27, ND, 24.

10. North Carolina @ Pittsburgh; Pitt's 5 game winning streak is like, the longest of all time. That may not be exactly right but it's probably close. Or something. The football Gods look down and are like, "Wait, wtf - who was managing this? Pitt doesn't win 5 in a row." The Gods take control and Pitt makes some decisions like, trying the swinging gate after a TD, they try the pistol with Tom Savage (slow white guy), and never stop. On defense, they put 12 guys in the box multiple times (Todd Thomas is told he's the 12th guy on the field and thinks it's a new trend by the Seattle Seahawks that is legal; Pitt sets an NCAA record for most "too many jackasses on the field" penalties in one game). They lose in epic fashion in front of a nice crowd, who all leave mid 2nd quarter.
Result: UNC - 44, Pitt, 16.

11. Pittsburgh @ Syracuse. I'm going to warn you: Troy Nunes is in attendance...and he's pissed. The Orange enter the game 1-9. They've got Pasqualoni on speed-dial. They're questioning their Judaism, citrus in general, and living in Hoth (Cuse gets more snow than anyone in the Continental 48). But all is well as the Panthers are in town. And they know, nothing is more lethal to a Panther than Nunes' Musk. The SU players have that musk on their jerseys, shoes, gloves, etc. Like Miley Cyrus, this game is ugly.
Result: SU, 34, Pitt, 12.

12: Miami @ Pittsburgh: Everyone is shocked that the NCAA has allowed UM to actually play football. Their collection of mark-ass marks, trick-ass marks, punk-ass bitches, and skip-scap skanks, and skallywags, hoes, heifers, hee-hops, and hoolyhoops, present a tough matchup for the Panthers. But it's cold in Pittsburgh this time of year. And Pitt's Head Coach, Paul Chryst, has ordered reinforcements of Wisconsin cheddar. The cheese is like spinach for Popeye, and the Pitt players neutralize both the trick-ass marks, punk-ass bitches, AND the heifers on UM's team to regain the lead and hold on for the win.
Result:
Pitt, 26, Miami, 24.

Pitt ends the season 6-6, fingers crossed for the Tire or Crappy Birginham Bowl. But more importantly, the 6-6 record leaves fans with 9 months of arguing that the team is trending higher than .500 or lower. Bet well, my friends.