“Well,” he said modestly. “Not
everything. But you make a pretty good point. So maybe you should get to know me a little.”

“Okay.”

“So,” he began, “I’m God. I’m
several billion years old—I kind of lost track, to be honest. It doesn’t help that even if I knew exactly
how old I was, I’d have to convert it into units based upon the length of your
particular planet’s orbit around your particular sun, and that’s a lot of math
that I really don’t feel like doing right now.”

“Okay….”

He put his elbow up on the edge of the table so that he could prop
his chin up against his palm. “Let’s
see, what else? I’m a huge Cubs
fan. Not many people know that. It’s usually pretty surprising to most people
because my favorite team hasn’t won a World Series, in, well…just about
forever, but I think it’s more exciting to watch the team progress without
giving them any kind of divine help.” He
paused, apparently thinking. “I also
really love just about any kind of food with barbecue sauce on it, which is why
I come here for the Baron’s Bacon Beast Burger.” He punctuated his sentence by picking up his
half-eaten burger, taking a slow, deliberate bite, chewing thoughtfully, and
swallowing with a smile. He flashed me a
thumbs-up. “What do you think?” he
asked. “I could do commercials for these
guys, right?”

I could not believe this babbling dork was actually God. I kept expecting the big bearded guy in the
white robe to walk out of the bathroom and thank Pudgy McTalkative here for
saving his seat. “Yeah, sure,” I said
lamely, mostly because there really wasn’t much else that I could have said.

“Okay,” he said with a sigh, using a napkin to dab a spot of sauce
from his lip. “I guess maybe I tried too
hard with the introductions and the pleasantries. Would you like to get down to some business?”

If that meant he was going to bring the real God over, then I was
definitely on board. “Sure,” I said.

The man turned around and yelped toward another guy seated a few
tables away. “Lucifer,” he shouted. “We’re ready for you.”