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Thursday, October 21, 2010

I am attending a funeral tomorrow. We are flying out for the day and flying home in the evening. It seems I have been frequenting these sad and reflective events a lot recently. It has put me in a bit of a state. Just a paralyzed way of thinking day after day. I have always been strong and able to comfort those I love on the previous occasions.So many people losing their parents at my age. I am quite familiar with that. I was very early on. My mother when I was 12 and my father at 26. Still, there is a sense that life goes on. The circle of life. This has struck me so hard, and not because of the closeness to the person. She is my husband's cousin -- a vibrant, happy and life-loving person -- So young. Happily married. Perfect health....and cancer just declares war on her and takes her from us in just a few short months. It makes you think. You STOP and think. Everything else sort of fades into the background. All the little things you busy yourself with just seem so irrelevant now. I feel like I want to have my entire family on the couch, in front of the fire. Safe. Where I know where they are and nothing can take them from me.

I know that God does not call us to have a spirit of fear..... I saw a documentary once on the commonality of people who live a long time. It wasn't diet, married/single, ethnicity.... it was how they dealt with loss. Most of them had lost their spouses, even children...friends....and yet they found joy in life. A reason to go on. A purpose. I think until we find the joy in life we never really live. We just exist. It is a bit confusing to me, to see the BIG picture you need to quiet all the noise. And sometimes the big picture can be so hard to see....

...forgive my rambling. I usually write about all of those other things....but sometimes the big picture is just so much in focus that you can't ignore it. We will get on that plane tomorrow. We will hold hands. Cry. Imagine ourselves in their situation.

Comfort each other.

On the plane home my mind will begin to busy itself with all of the noise again....work to be done, football games to attend, workouts at the gym......but I hope and pray that as I am entering the second half of my life, I fear less and see the joy in every day more. In each moment. Now. Not tomorrow.

What a beautiful way of looking at life- as if there is always joy to be found if you look hard enough. I am so sorry to hear about the tragic loss in your family. My best friend just experienced something similar, and my heart ached for their family as it does for yours. Try to keep your spirits up, my friend!