Christopher Swane is a couples and relationship counsellor based in Wellington. I can assist you to obtain a better understanding of the problems that may be affecting your relationship. Together we can find the answers that will lead you to a happier and healthier life. I offer a respectful, safe and confidential environment, where you may explore and find the answers to your relationship and individual issues.

During couples counselling my main focus is on identifying undesirable behaviour that has developed over time in your relationship. Relationship counselling is unlike individual psychotherapy which mainly focuses on the individual internal experience. Couples counselling focuses on external behaviour and its impact upon the relationship. Undesirable behaviours may include; withholding, obstructing, aggression, distancing, resistance, controlling, passive aggression, and being secretive.

There are no heroes and no villains in relationships, both people input into their relationship problems in different ways. One person may become overly controlling while the other obstructs or withholds. It is not possible to change your partner’s behavior unless there is some willingness or incentive to do so. Incentives to change behaviour may include positive feedback which reinforces appropriate behaviour. Alternatively, you may focus on your partner’s positive behavior by identifying where they are contributing to the relationship. This is rather than in the areas where they may fail to contribute.

By modeling the type of relationship you would like as a couple, this may assist your partner to identify and adjust their behaviour. For example, modeling a relationship where you actively listen and communicate with honesty and respect. This may assist your partner to understand the importance of these two vital aspects of interpersonal communication. Only modeling aggressive behaviour encourages your partner to act in a similar manner as it becomes an expectable norm.

Trust Issues:

Loss of trust can be one of the greatest crises that couples face in their relationship. As a relationship counsellor I understand that trust is paramount for all couples. Trust can be easily lost and very hard to regain.

The loss of trust:

This can take many different forms. A couple may experience the loss of trust through infidelity or breaking of confidentiality. Trust may be lost due to an addiction or failing to honour commitments. Trust can be lost through an act of deception or deceit.

The loss of respect:

Similar to the loss of trust the loss of respect can severely damage a relationship. Couples who take each other for granted or fail to acknowledge their partner’s contribution may experience a loss of respect. Regaining respect for your partner is critical in developing a healthy and happy relationship.

As a couples counsellor:

I assist individuals and couples to explore these complex emotions that they may feel, due to the loss of trust. These feelings can range from anger, betrayal, hurt, humiliation and shame to feelings of failure, loss of self confidence and self-esteem.

Communication Issues and Anger:

During relationship counselling I assist couples to identify the different ways in which they are communicating. And we look at how this impacts upon the relationship. For instance, one member may attack while the other withdraws. Or a couple may use the attack and counter attack method. This can lead to escalation of anger and aggression. Both parties may try to gain the superior position and have the final word.

There is also the ‘attack defence’ method. This is where one partner regularly criticises, while the other takes the defending position.

Constant arguments:

These will eventually lead to stonewalling where both parties stop communicating and slowly drift into loneliness and disconnection. Although arguments can achieve positive outcomes, it is the way we argue that can be the problem. As a couples counsellor I will help you to identify the communication issues in your relationship and assist you in finding more effective ways to connect.

Power Issues and Control:

Often couples enter into relationship counselling due to a power imbalance in their relationship. A power imbalance may be economic or emotional. An economic power imbalance is where one member of the relationship controls the finances and regulates the behaviour of the other through the withholding or distribution of funds.

Emotional power imbalance:

One member may feel that they are constantly meeting the needs of their partner, while their own needs are never met. Or one party may feel that to keep the peace they never voice their opinion. And they may believe that their feelings are never considered in the decision making process.

Christopher Swane has undertaken couples and relationship counselling for over six years. Christopher Swane's experience extends internationally to more than 15 years in the industry. I have had extensive experience assisting clients to rebuild their lives, together. I also assist clients to recognise the signs that lead to the breakdown of their relationship. Through relationship counselling Christopher Swane can assist you to untangle the complex thoughts, emotions and behaviours that have led to the crisis.

Chris has an open communication counselling style, friendly and professional. He quickly made me feel at ease and prepared to discuss openly and honestly the issues that came up in our sessions. He checked in with me when issues were potentially emotionally challenging and made me feel safe in our counselling relationship. He is quite intuitive and has introduced a range of counselling/therapy during our sessions. Including cognitive behavioural, relationship and psycho dynamic processes in the exploring my issues. He has very effectively facilitated exploration of my family narrative which has assisted my recognition and understanding of several important emotional experiences and challenges which I am currently understanding and addressing.

Narelle - Retail Manager

I initially first started to see Chris as I was struggling with health and confidence issues as a result of an accident and the end of a significant long term relationship. In the time I was fortunate enough to see Chris I was able to move from someone who didn’t really want to face anotherdayto someone who could and wanted to navigate through whatever lay ahead. Chris helped guide me through these events whilst challenging and supporting me to work through them. Most importantly he found a way to help me see the possibilities of a happier healthier future. He provided a safe environment where I could take off my victim t-shirt and move on.

Ian - Industrial Manager

Working with Chris has given me the skills to empower myself. I've taken control of my life to pursue challenges and rewards that give me personal satisfaction.

Matthew - Police Officer

Chris is a very warm caring person, he had a peaceful & comfortable presence about him. his insights, way of explaining and "unpacking" what's discussed is what makes him unique.The therapy he's conducted has been very beneficial.

Jealousy is often experienced within intimate relationships due to perceived infidelity by a partner. But what is jealousy? Jealousy has been defined as, the cognitions, emotions, and behaviours that follow a loss or threat to self-esteem and/or existence or quality of a romantic relationship,

How we communicate within our intimate relationships can contribute to our overall happiness. It is not only important to listen to one’s partner it is also important to develop speaking skills that increase connection and lower the negative impact of disagreements.

We have all experienced jealousy at some time in our lives. But what is jealousy? Jealousy has been described as a complex range of emotions that affect both men and women. Jealousy stems from a fear of being abandoned, and may include feelings of rage and humiliation.

There is a general belief that people who identify as asexual do not form romantic relationships. New research indicates that this is not the case. Lori Brotton of the University of British Columbia suggests that there has always been a general assumption that sexual attraction and romantic attraction happen at the same time.

We all know that the internet has changed the way we communicate and how we experience the world, but new research indicates that the internet may also be adding excitement to monogamous relationships.

How we give and receive feedback in romantic relationships may be an indication of our overall happiness. Research suggests that feelings of love, bliss, emotional connection, and physical attraction lie at the heart of how happy we are as individuals.

Are there any similarities between how same sex attracted couples and opposite sex attracted couples view relationships? Research indicates that same sex attracted couples may have very similar relationship desires and needs as opposite sex attracted couples.

During the 1970s and 1980s popular print media highlighted the importance of sexual pleasure and happiness for many in the western world. The emphasis was on liberating both men and women from the sexually oppressive 1950s.

After many years together couples may begin to feel that monogamy is slowly slipping into monotony. The once exciting sex life has disappeared under the weight of a mortgage, work, children, family commitments, and life in general.

Recent research has explored the effect of yoga on a person’s overall health. A lot of the focus has been on the physical benefits of yoga. This is particularly about the impact yoga may have upon the symptoms associated with osteoarthritis, carpal tunnel syndrome and lower-back pain.

Men generally tend to sabotage their chances of good health because they are too shy, too macho, too busy, or too afraid to ask for help. Statistically men visit their GP half as often as women but globally men die younger than women. In contrast men are more sensitive to mild ailments such as flu and tend to over-rate how bad the symptoms are in comparison with women.