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Author /adena

I’m 4 weeks, 6 days pregnant… which means, I’m almost 5 weeks pregnant. Since it’s still super early, I’m at a very high risk of a miscarriage. It’s one of those things you generally can’t control but worry about anyway. With PCOS, they say miscarriage rates are 30%-50%, BUT I wonder if that also depends what type of PCOS you have. In any case, even a healthy woman has a 20% chance of miscarrying – 1 in 5 women, in other words, will have a miscarriage. That seems like an awfully high stat for something we don’t like to talk about in society.

I definitely had some symptoms of pregnancy very early on, but for now, all of that has done away except for this cold. I don’t have a fever, luckily, but my throat is sore, and I have all the cold symptoms that won’t go away. Hopefully they do soon. I’m trying to not go to the doctor until next year (just one month away) since with the new job my deductible reset in Oct and I planned to not use any insurance until 2018.

The good news is since I’m a high risk pregnancy and already going through an RE (and I didn’t realize this) my endoc actually covers monitoring until I’m handed over to my ObGyn. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I have my first ultrasound on Wednesday to see if everything looks correct in there. It’s too early to hear the heartbeat, but apparently one can see the sac(s) and the fetal pole(s). I say (s) because there is still the very real possibility of multiples. There should only be the possibility of two at the most, but stranger things have happened. I just hope there’s ONE healthy baby in there.

Being pregnant still hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m excited about it, but I know our lives will change entirely in less than 8 months. We’ll start planning the home for baby once I get through the first trimester. More on that later. Fingers crossed everything goes well on Wednesday… and that this cold goes away soon. I can’t take time off of work now as I have to save my time off for baby… even though I don’t have an accumulated PTO plan… so I’m not sure how that will work, but not going to stress on that for now.

The HPT line is even darker today. Despite the headache of visiting two infertility clinics and spending now $5500 out of pocket for fairly preliminary treatment, I have to say I’m thrilled it worked so quickly (knock on wood.) I’m in a bit of shock… as any woman pregnant with her first child might be… and now just waiting the beta blood tests this week to confirm what I already know – and words I never thought I would say: I’m pregnant.

Now, comes the future. And eight months of not eating deli meats and avoiding all alcohol and caffeine and not lifting heavy objects. Then one (or more?) babies who turn into little people and grow up to become hopefully well-adjusted adults. In due time.

Even though we were very actively (via infertility treatment) trying to get pregnant, it didn’t feel real. You just played the lottery every month and hoped. It’s unlikely you win the lottery. But this clinic was on point in my cycle. My last clinic, to be fair, did basically the same thing – although some of their instructions were different. But the clinic I am at now (Nova) — which had a ONE YEAR WAIT to get into — did not force me immediately into IVF, but instead said to try the Femera with TI and Trigger (Shot) for a few cycles. I was about to jump straight to IVF, but they said to try a few more times.

The major differences this cycle, I was given birth control pills for two weeks to clear out my system, and I had a hydrosonogram (not to be confused with an HSG test) which may have opened my tubes with the saline they squirted through them to check out the health of my uterus. Other than that — I had one ultrasound on CD 8 and one on CD 10 (vs CD 9 and CD 11 at my last clinic) but the resulting directions there was the same – trigger on CD 11 at night. Each time I produced two mature follicles – one larger one in my left ovary (my left ovary is a powerful little beast) and a smaller one that’s still big enough to possibly release in my right.

Now, there is the chance BOTH fertilized. There’s also, albeit a tiny chance, that another follicle caught up and grew quicker than normal — or that one of the two split and we could be looking at triplets (or more, who knows.) I shouldn’t get ahead of myself here… but there is a reality that twins could be in our future. We won’t know for sure until January or later. Right now, I need to focus on confirming I’m pregnant, and hoping that I don’t miscarry — I’ve read so many stories of women who are Fertile Mirtles but who miscarry every child they get pregnant with — so I’m a tad worried about that.

But I also feel like the universe decided it’s my time. I’m 34. Universe gave up on me maturing any more and is now confident I’m the best mother I’ll ever be.

Tested this evening on two separate stick tests. Cheap-o and First Response. Now am 15 days post trigger. Both came back, well…

Holy shit. I still won’t know if this is real until mid next week — and then I have to get through tons of miscarriage risk. But between the obvious nausea and waking up early and crazy dreams, I feel like this might be legit.

Which is good… because I just got another bill in the mail for $1300 for a blood test the RE had me take. I can’t keep up with all the bills… we’ve now spent $5500 on this infertility stuff, and that’s long before IVF. Really, really, really hope I’m pregnant so I can start putting money towards my kid’s college fund and diapers and crib and such vs spending every last cent on trying to get pregnant.

That said — now, I’m starting to get (very) concerned about multiples. I know it’s crazy to go from thinking I might never have kids to worries about multiples (all while still not knowing if I’m actually pregnant) BUT it’s quite possible I conceived twins… given I had two mature eggs. I’m a little concerned about twins for all the obvious reasons — but I did have this dream as a child to have twins and given I’m going to be almost 35 when giving birth and I want at least two kids, twins would be ok (as long as they’re healthy and I’m healthy, etc – and once I get over freaking out about how to handle TWO babies at once.) But, any more and… I don’t know how I’d react to that. There were other smaller follicles but the doctor made it clear the risk was twins, not more. Stranger things have happened, though, according to what I’ve read on the internet…

For such a strong reaction this early on (the nausea, the headaches at implantation, the very dark lines at CD 28 and 15 days post trigger, only 13 post ovulation… I feel like something is up. First pregnancy so I have no idea… but, I do know I’m not supposed to be feeling morning sickness until week eight!)

Well, I’ll know I’m pregnant or not next week… but I won’t know if it’s twins until January. Oy gavult. This is so stressful! I know I shouldn’t worry about it until we get there, but… the risk is real. Oh, life, you’re so strange…

Well, it’s my 34th birthday. I never expected to be 34 – and any expectation I had of myself being 34 definitely included driving around a gaggle of children in the backseat of a beautifully-fugly minivan. Given I’m now a walking biological clock – and I want at least two kids — I know it’s now or never.

The trigger shot MAY still be in my system. I originally planned to take my first post-trigger pee-on-a-stick test today. I’m using the cheapies right now, so they could also be off. But I’ve tried them plenty of times before and they always show up w/ no line (except the one time I tested two days after trigger, just to confirm they worked at all.) So, the fact that they keep showing lines is promising. The line did get lighter last night and today it’s definitely there but faded. No “BFP” as they say (Big Fat Positive – who comes up with these terms?)

Chart is looking good… but temp spike this am could be due to all the eating and drinking at Thanksgiving last night! Tomorrow will be the real test… if I DID ovulate on the 10th of November, today is 14 days post ovulation and AF (Aunt Flo) should come tomorrow. Even though my body has a mind of her own, I seem to be fairly consistent in the 14 day Luteal Phase, and bleeding promptly on day 15. (Without the medicine Femera I apparently ovulate too late, if at all – but if I have the temp spikes I’ll see AF there, shiny her happy red face, 15 days later.)

As far as how good this could look right now… this is looking very good. That doesn’t mean that a) the trigger shot is still in my system (though the line definitely got darker from two tests three days ago so I think that’s unlikely) OR b) it could be a chemical pregnancy (my current concern) which means that it didn’t actually stick properly or 3) it could eventually be a miscarriage, which is so common with women who have PCOS. In short, even though it’s my birthday, I’m still trying not to get my hopes up!

This weekend (and Monday) will tell all. If my period isn’t here by Monday am, I know something’s up. I’m going to take my first blood test at 6:30 on Monday morning. Originally the doctor said I could take my first blood test today BUT they aren’t open today or on the weekend, of course, so I’m waiting until Monday. That makes sense anyway, since by Monday either I have started my period or… I’m probably at least somewhat pregnant.

13 days post trigger, 11 post ovulation, and I believe, at this point, 6 days post possible implantation. Temp is dropping a little bit — down to 98.0 from 98.2… but the HCG tests are definitely getting darker. It doesn’t make a ton of sense for the line to get DARKER 13 days post trigger unless perhaps somehow it decided to “concentrate” to confuse me.

I’m not sure if the tests remain accurate once they’ve dried up… but this is about what the lines looked like after the 5-ish minutes of testing. The one on the right is the oldest (from 2 days ago) and the one on the left is from just now / today. While the other days the line didn’t really show up until even after 5 minutes past taking the test, this line popped up much faster. It’s still not SUPER dark, but I’m starting to assume that if it’s the trigger shot / fake BFP it would be strange to get darker instead of lighter over the last 3 days.

I ordered a digital pregnancy test in the mail and it shows up Saturday, so I’ll take that test then (or I’ll get my period, since that is when I should get it if I’m not pregnant.) If I haven’t gotten AF by Monday I have a 6:30am appointment for my first blood test. I hate to get my hopes up, but I’m feeling really good about this cycle. Maybe too good.

The symptoms have generally went away for now… I was super nauseous and headache-y earlier this week. I felt some cramps this morning and was convinced it’s AF starting, but then I also have (TMI) “typical early pregnancy” constipation – horribly – so it could just be that… or, it could be I’m sure sensitive to the trigger shot AND am going to start bleeding tomorrow or Saturday, and be back to square 1. I really hope I continue to see a line tomorrow… since I HAD planned to take my first test then (my 34th birthday) but… I have no patience when it comes to these things.

Although I miss my family, I’m glad this year we’re not making the trek across the country to see them — where we’d face at least subtle, or not-so-subtle, hints about how we should be having children. It’s expected of us now, a year-and-a-half after getting married, both in our mid 30s. We should be pregnant – right now.

Of course, we’re not… because we have our infertility struggles. But my two week wait is not proper small talk for holiday dinner table conversation. So we talk around it. We don’t talk about it at all. I avoid going home to see my family because – even though many of them do know that I struggle with infertility – there is still the question of when we’re having kids. No one understands exactly what this infertility thing means. To be frank, I don’t either.

The holidays are certainly one of the hardest times of the year to be dealing with infertility. If we didn’t want kids, it would be easier. But knowing we want them and having to avoid questions about when we will have them is harder than I initially thought it would be…

Despite being exhausted, I work up not-so-bright and early at 4am this morning. I took my temp, which theoretically should be lower than prior temps waking up a full 2-3 hours earlier than normal, and it came in at 98.2. That could be a good sign.

Pee-on-a-stick test yesterday showed no HCG within first 5 minutes, but when I checked this morning the line on it was darker than the one I took the day before. The tests aren’t reliable after that long, so it’s meaningless – or is it?

Going to get a Beta blood test on Monday. Friday is the earliest I can have this done and the office is closed then. I figure if Ms. AF doesn’t come over the weekend, something is up, and it’s worth being human pincushion once more to find out if the cycle worked… or discuss options to start a new cycle of treatment, and another $950 investment.