Monday, April 9, 2012

It's not until I get bad news that I realize that I am still holding out for a miracle. Deep in my soul, I am still waiting for K to be rescued. Then, when the news isn't good, I feel like I've been sucker punched and left gasping for breath.

Today we learned that K's lung tumors ("mets") grew by about 40% despite the new kind of chemotherapy that she received 3 weeks ago. The lung mets are still small enough that they are not affecting K's breathing but their growth tells us where this is heading.

We are not giving up. K has not had bad side effects from any of the treatments that we've tried, and she still acts like a joyful puppy, romping happily on our hikes and bike rides. Her spirit is telling us to keep trying to extend this happy phase of her life.

We're now moving into the realm of less traditional treatments, having exhausted all of the tried-and-true chemotherapy options. Tomorrow, K will start "metronomic chemotherapy", a low dose form of chemotherapy that is given at home daily. It slows the growth of lung mets in about 30% of dogs in K's situation.

I am feeling sad beyond words because I secretly dreamed that we'd get great, or at least mediocre, news today. I know that, with a little bit of time to digest this new information, I'll rally my emotions so that we can enjoy the good days - because they are happening now.

At this moment, the golden eyes of K are trained upon me, as she is trying to pull me out the door for our sunset hike. I will wipe the tears away, lift my head high, and go enjoy my time with our wonderful pair of dogs.

64 comments:

Not the news we hoped for and I know exactly how you're feeling now as we lived it last year with our Tucker and now with Benji. But again...one day at a time and live it to the fullest. And that's exactly what you and K are doing.

KB, My heart is hurting so much for you right now. I wish you many many hours of romping and rolling with your sweet K. How I wish all the love around the world for you and your pack, could somehow reach out and heal her. My loss of Reggie is so fresh that i just pray your won't have to deal with this for a long time. Sending the power of the paw.Hugs, Noreen

I've been checking for your update and I am so sorry to hear that things have gotten so much worse so fast. I wish I had words of wisdom but on second thought I don't think you really need any. You and K are working through this so courageously. Fingers/paws crossed that the new treatment buys more high quality good time.

I know the days when you're feeling like you've been knocked down--But with K, and her enthusiasm and zest for life, you're given the strength and courage to continue this journey. I admire you for that, and am cheering you both on from my little corner of Virginia!

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. We lost our beloved German Shepherd in December to canine lupus. It wasn't easy for him at the end. I noticed that the light went out of his eyes. He definitely was ready to go. I miss him every day.

When test results are right before us, it is really difficult to see anything else BUT K is telling you - "we need to go out NOW!" We never have enough now's so make good on the ones you do have. Listen to and follow K - she will guide you through this. Sending so many prayers and I wish I could reach through this screen and give you and K and big HUG!Mom Kim

Well, damn! Definitely not the answer we were hoping for. Sometimes life really knocks you for a loop, and we've decided it's ok to lie on the floor for a minute before you get back up. It helps that we can lean on each other.

Just want you to know that we are all thinking of you and I think that you living in the NOW with her is the only way to know in your heart later that you didn't waste a moment, or that you didn't appreciate every single day, taking nothing for granted. Poppy has her biopsy on Friday and I think of your courage dealing with this. Your post about loving her through it all meant a lot to me - and I am sure many other people.

Tears are streaming down our face too. We were so hoping- just as you were. We understand how you are feeling. This new update has left you raw to the elements.Listen to K- enjoy that sunset.We are thinking of you and K right now as we type through the tears.Let your feelings flow- keep talking and sharing how you feel. We feel the same way.lovetweedles

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain that you must be feeling. It must be so hard to continue getting bad news even when she seems to be doing so well. At the same time I think you're doing a great job handling everything. And even though it's so hard you are so thankful for and enjoying every day with K. I'm sure she knows how much you love her and appreciates everything you're doing for her and keeping her happy. And, of course, she loves you so much too. :-) Sending lots of love to you all.

I am so very sorry the news wasn't better. It's hard to think of K as sick when I look at her pictures because she looks so vibrant and alive. And I think the truth of it is, she IS vibrant and alive, even though the disease isn't being held at bay. K's spirit is like yours, too strong to be held back by woulds and shoulds. I think I'd do just what you're doing, still fighting as long as K wants to keep fighting and still living life to make you both happy. I'm more than willing to listen if you need an e-mail rant, too!

I am so very sorry the news wasn't better. It's hard to think of K as sick when I look at her pictures because she looks so vibrant and alive. And I think the truth of it is, she IS vibrant and alive, even though the disease isn't being held at bay. K's spirit is like yours, too strong to be held back by woulds and shoulds. I think I'd do just what you're doing, still fighting as long as K wants to keep fighting and still living life to make you both happy. I'm more than willing to listen if you need an e-mail rant, too!

Reach deeply into your soul and find that part that refuses to surrender. Ignore your head and the facts. Ignore your heart and the grief. Just refuse to surrender; refuse to give up. Go down shaking your fist at this monster by living to the fullest. That is exactly what K is doing. I would give any thing, truly, to change this.

Dear KB, The Runner, K, and R...I am heartbroken to hear this news. There are no words to describe the sadness I feel for all of you. Please know we send so much love your way and hope for more precious time for all of you to enjoy together.XoxoSue and the gang at DVR

Started work with tears today reading your post. But we will NOT give up...hope the treatment can give her life quality for quite some time. Cancer is cancer, we know but many can live with it for long time.We will think of you.When our Nova hade mammary tumor. We operated and she was ok after that then we discovered a great one on her uteros. It weighed half a kilo, thats big for a dachshund. She was up running after 2 days and that with 14 years.....

So not the news we wanted to hear either but if my dogs have taught me anything it is never give up, enjoy every second you have together and take pleasure in the silly little things they do that make you smile ( or in Ronnii's case make you go ewwww not again Ronnii-Pops...lol).

Molly was my greatest teacher she had one eye, was blind in the other, she had diabetes and Cushings disease but you should have seen her chase a noisy spinning top and enjoy bimbling about on her lead or sunbathing. She was an ispiration as is K, she will tell you what you need to know and when you need to know it so follow her lead they are far wiser than us I have discovered.With Much Love and continued PrayersMomma Teaxxx xxx

KB I am so sad to hear this news. I have been praying to God for a miracle for K :( I guess the miracle is that she is still happy and joyous in spirit. I am sending my prayers to you for as many sunsets and sunrises as possible. I used to love them but now I get so very sad, especially in the early morning hours before sunrise. I used to think "Ahhh a new day is dawning, full of possibilities"! But now I say "oh no - another day of pain and sorrow is coming". I need to learn from sweet K to not lose these days or myself. See? She is such a good teacher, despite her illness.

We are sorry about this news and was wishing for much better. We continue to send drool and keep you in our thoughts and prayers. It is just hard to think she is really sick, because she looks truly to be enjoying life to its fullest. I LOVE LOVE that last picture, amazing. Sniffs, The HoundDogs

we are so sorry and hope the new meds can help. It is human to hold onto the hope that a miracle can happen - but please hold on to the time you have and know that K is enjoying life to the fullest and that is the best gift you can give her....

Such true and familiar words, so beautifully spoken. When our beloved Spencer was battling lymphoma I, the oncology nurse (really!) kept the realistic face to the world "yes, he's had a good response to treatment, but you know, we won't cure this...blah, blah", trying my nurse-best to take care of everyone else's grief. All the while secretly, fervently, honestly hoping and believing--yes, BELIEVING--that we would get the miracle that a precious few do get.

And we did: the miracle that you are experiencing right now. That life every day is a gift. That time goes on. That every moment is the precious moment. And that eternity is forever; we are all here for just a blip, but our souls are together for all time.

I am new to commenting, having just finished reading your blog from the very beginning. My heart is aching for you. Your strength and courage is what K needs and what you are providing. Please know you and K are in our prayers. Enjoy each sunrise and sunset!

This wasn't the news any of us were hoping and praying for, but I'm glad you have this blog so you can draw from the love and support of all your readers, vent the negative emotions and then enjoy the time you have with your precious girls.

Kia ora KB, There is nothing I can add to the aroha here in the other comments. I am heading into the autumn mountains in the morning, and I will send my loving thoughts from there. Tehei Mauri Ora!Aroha,Robb

I have been following your blog for a little while now, and I am continually struck by how well you appreciate and celebrate the beauty in your life. I admire your strength and dedication to life's priorities. Your bond with K is beyond words, and yet you communicate it so well with your photos and descriptions. Thank you for sharing these special moments with us readers. I will keep you and K in my thoughts. Best wishes.

Am so sorry to read this post, KB; we also know it's absolutely not the better news I think we were all praying for. May this new treatment help K - you are so tough, KB - am sending all our positive thoughts and healing vibes your way.Love xoxoxoSammie, Avalon adn Mom

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About Me

I live at 8200' in the Front Range of Colorado. I love exploring nature
in the mountains while riding my mountain bike and romping with my
two Labradors. Photography is another passion, including both "normal" photography and trail camera photography of wildlife.

My two dogs are Shyla, a 3-year-old Chocolate Lab, and R, a 7-year-old Black Lab.