Tag Archives: I can’t afford it

Bertha… wanted me to talk about… lying… this morning… according to her I have been falling prey to four of the more common lies… even though I may not utter the words to anyone else… I hear them loud and clear…

I don’t have time… go to the gym… write… make the bed… keep the house the way I like it to look… only to find… that once I determined that I wanted to do these things… that they were really important to me… time didn’t seem to be a problem…

It doesn’t matter… whatever you want to do… has crossed my lips more times than hot fudge sauce… when… at least part of the time… it did matter… there was something that I wanted to do… somewhere I wanted to eat… something I wanted to watch…

I’m fine… nothing is the matter… oh… sparing someone else’s feelings… by burying mine… pretending that that unacceptable behavior was acceptable… pretending that my life is perfect… so no one will know that I am vulnerable…

I can’t afford it… and while it is true… there are many things that I can’t afford… it’s even more true that those aren’t the things I generally say I can’t afford… no… the things I usually refer to as too expensive… are usually things that I don’t really want… because… 99% of the time… if I really want something… I find a way to get it… I scrimp on something else… I save for it I work extra… I sell something… I borrow money… I ask for it as a gift…

So… yes… I’m guilty… no… not every day… and not all the time… in fact… I’m getting better about living my truth… but there are still times… when these falsehoods cross my mind and my lips…

Bertha… says… that’s okay… it’s a process… it’s learning to ask myself… is that really true… do I not have time… does it really not matter… am I really fine… can I really not afford it or do I just not want it… then she says to ask… what do I really want… how can I make this happen… where do I want to go… what do I want to do… how do I want to be treated… what do I really need today…

She says the more I do that… the more I will respect myself… and interestingly… the more others will respect me, too…