Matt of All Trades blog, like the title suggests, is by a Vermont author and offers offbeat musings on pop culture, media, journalism, humor, weirdness, stupid people, smart people, my life as a journalist, landscaper, photographer, married gay man, dog lover and weather geek and more. It's run by me, Matt Sutkoski, a native Vermonter living in St. Albans, Vt.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

A Winter Storm Watch In Vermont if It Were REALLY Truthful

There's a winter storm watch up for Vermont because we might, maybe get a routine snowfall of 6 to 10 inches Thursday night. We'll see.

Read this post if you want to read how I'd warnthe public about a winter torm like the one pictured.

If I were in charge of issuing storm warnings for the National Weather Service, this is what I would come up with.

"The National Weather Service has issued a Winter Storm Watch in Vermont.

Snow is expected to begin Thursday and continue Thursday night into Friday. Screams of "Powder Day!!!" from Vermonters are expected to accompany the heavy snow.

The snow is expected to mix with scattered idiotic drivers on Interstate 89 during the storm, especially during the morning and late afternoon commutes. The fast-moving idiots, coming mostly in the form of SUVs, will cause traffic delays, bent fenders and derisive laughter as people mock the upside down SUVs in snowbanks.

Also in effect is a Tow Advisory to continue into Saturday as people leave their cars on the streets despite winter parking bans. Scattered cursing and arguing will occur during the Tow Advisory. There is even a chance of a thrown punch during the Tow Advisory period.

The National Weather Service has also issued a Sledding Hill Congestion Watch through Sunday as heavy sledding and tobogganing is expected to develop this week. The areas most threatened with sledding hill congestion are areas near schools closed by the snowy weather, where children will gather to play, proving they could have made it to classes after all.

Additionally, a Clueless, Rude Out of State Skier Watch is in effect through the next week at least. There is a risk that some out of state visitors might travel on the wrong side of the road, text while zooming down a ski slope and yell at a hapless waitress because the restaurant is out of Stoli O.

Vermonters are urged to exercise caution and patience during the Clueless, Rude Out of State Skier Watch period.

Finally, a seed catalog greenery advisory is in effect through March. Winter weary Vermonters might start drooling over the lush plants pictured in the seed catalogs now appearing in Vermont mailboxes. Slick spots due to gardeners' drooling over the pictures are likely.