Wonderland Transportation Dept. We need to figure out how everybody's going to get around here in Wonderland. I've got the seven dwarves for an eight-passenger mini-van. So Snow White can drive, I guess. Goldilocks can't get license -- She said a bicycle would be "just right." Hansel and Gretel will take anything as long as it has good GPS system and the Tortoise and Hare want race cars. And that leaves the tooth fairy. Chop chop chop chop chop. Think about it - Of course the tooth fairy should fly around in a "chopper"!

Frank! What's your hurry? I have to drive to a meeting of the palindrome society! "Palindrome"? You word or phrase that reads the same backward or forward … Like "mom" or "pop," or the very first one" "Madam, I'm Adam." Ah! Then no doubt you'll be driving a Toyota! And don't take route 5! What? What is it? Part radar trap! You're a natural, Ernie, a natural!

Tabloid Times. Ernie, what's your headline for our piece about the great grandma who is looking forward to her family reunion this weekend? 80-Year Old Expecting. What about the article reporting on the windows broken by vandals at the capitol? "Senators Meet to Discuss Draft." And the caption for the photo of the mayor drinking a cola on the golf course? "Mayor Caught Drinking and Driving." Ernie! Knock if off with the misleading sensationalist headlines! If you do, you can have the unclaimed diamond ring in our lost and found department. "Assistant Editor Must Choose Between the Carat and the Schtick!"