Your source for pointless, nobody-cares-but-us movie reviews. We grade movies on a 1-10 scale (1 = It sucked my soul out through my eyes and 10 = I'm buying the DVD so I can tuck it under my pillow at night and sing little songs to it.)

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Hey everybody! The Wachowski's are back! Which means there's a new movie about a dude who can't talk good and a pretty dark-haired girl. (See: every Wachowski movie ever.) But, it also means there's a movie about the way corporations profit by exploiting and destroying humans (See: anything Matrix-y.) Also, watching people spin fast through a confusing three-dimentional world is fun (See: Speed Racer,) and gaping plot holes are no reason not to enjoy yourself (See: Utter dissapointment.)

It's the niece's birthday week, and she likes the Tater Channing, so we went to see this film. Here's what I found interesting:

Original Story:

I honestly can't remember the last time I saw a sci-fi movie that wasn't a sequel, based on a book, or owned by Marvel. JUPITER ASCENDING isn't brilliant but it is interesting and a new-ish sort of world. Genetic splices, a decent-ish explanation for dinosaur extinction, and crazy machines are all fun to see. I don't know if I'm necessarily a huge fan of Grav Boots but I suppose skimming through the air like a floating hockey player isn't a bad look.

Sean Bean:

He doesn't die! I KNOW! Shocking, right? I kept expecting him to get shot or be sacrificed or something but he made it to the end of the film! Very nice change of pace.

Really REALLY Old Villains...

...can't take a punch. You would think that after being alive for millenia they would know how to at least defend themselves but underweight Mila Kunis lays them flat with one blow. I know no one wants to argue with a girl swinging a tire iron but this pack of bad guys, in a fight, sure act their age.

Bros:

For the first time ever, when someone makes a wrong decision, his friends don't get super dramatic about it. They just want to know why. When the reason is discovered, all that is said is "I would make the same choice. Any other problems I should know about? No? Cool. Let's roll."

I actually giggled when I saw this shot. If Liberache and Joan Rivers moved in together and really got into Art Nouveau, this is what their spaceship would look like. Because OF COURSE the docking bay needs chandeliers!

That said, the costuming was pretty good. It looked very "I'm a sparkle elf and this is a sci-fi movie" but the lines and colors were consistant.

And with stuff like this, they know EXACTLY who their fan base is.

Romantic Pursuits:

Interesting that, for the whole movie, Mila was the one making the moves on Tater. Sure, it's the only logical course of action when you've finally met someone who shares your love of dark eye makeup, but he's surprisingly reticent. He spends the whole movie saving her from one thing or another and then stepping back. She takes the rest of the time trying to move back in. Even the climatic kiss before battle involves her telling him it's going to happen. .

Since Twilight, the "girl wants it but the boy doesn't" pattern has become common. And, as always, there's some reason why the boy holds back and it usually involves uncontrollable gory sudden death for the girl. This is weird, and interesting. I don't quite know what to do with it, but it's interesting.

JUPITER ASCENDING is a pretty movie which not many people liked. If you are a fan of the Wachowski's, you should make time to see this movie because it's probably one of the last big-buget films the kids get to make. No matter how interesting their vision, a bomb is a bomb and everyone gets eaten up in the pursuit of profit - even the Wachowskis.