In case you needed another reminder that you clearly fucked up in a past life and now are being punished, here’s some news that will make you shake your fist at the ceiling for a solid 5 minutes before spilling a lukewarm AriZona green tea all over your crotch and screaming “FUUUUCK YOUUUU” to the universe. According to the NY Daily News, The Queen of Coachella Nü-Hippies, Vanessa Hudgens, is getting a fat greasy $15,000 cheque from McDonalds to attend the obnoxious annual denim cutoff convention in Indio, CA this weekend. Dear McDonalds: You’re dumb because you just paid Vanessa to do a job she would have done for free. Coachella is like her religion. Every night she gives double peace signs to the framed picture of Minnetonka booties hanging above her bed before praying on a floral headband rosary, beginning every prayer with “Our high-waisted jorts in Heaven, hallowed be thy fringe…”

And it’s not just Vanessa who’s cashing in on Coachella. Musical theatre bunion Lea Michele is being paid $20,000 from Lacoste and all she has to do is show up wearing a shirt with a gator on it. So when you see pictures of Lea Michele dressed as a tennis-paying yuppie sticking out like a sore thumb amidst a sea of fringed patchouli-scented coochie-cutters, you’ll know why.

But some celebrities aren’t as lucky as Vanessa and Lea (let’s come back to that sentence in 10 years and we can all have a good laugh). Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul is still waiting to hear back regarding his request for $15,000 and two VIP passes, Joe Jonas is looking for around $20,000 to appear (paid in cash or coke, he’s not picky), and Kate Bosworth – yes the Kate Bosworth who’s notoriety is limited to having two fucked-up eyes – is asking for $30,000.

It all sort of makes sense that they need to lure people to Coachella with clickety-clack sounds, because why the fuck would you go otherwise? Coachella is a hot sweaty mess in the middle of the desert that combines the stink of Burning Man with the experience of lining up for a change room at Urban Outfitters. I know, I lost me at ‘hot’ too!

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