Many adult films include depictions of intercourse with a man’s apparently hours-long erection and a woman’s multiple, bed-shaking, ear-piercing orgasms. The fact is most women don’t have an orgasm from intercourse alone, and many women don’t have orgasms at all. There’s also some debate over the theoretical question of why women have orgasms in the first place.

Like the diet and cosmetics industries that display images that leave average people feeling dissatisfied with themselves, some kinds of sexual “dysfunction” is artificially created by the porn industry. And of course there are companies out there wanting to sell you what you “need” so that you can be “normal” like the porn stars. For men, it’s all about the erection, i.e. being ready for intercourse. For women, it’s about restoring or increasing their sex drive, i.e. being ready for intercourse.

Something that might help people with a “sex problem” is considering the question of what constitutes “having sex” and what doesn’t. Sex covers a lot of territory beyond intercourse.

An even more important question is what the goal of “having sex” is. For some, it’s procreation. For many, it’s pleasure. The reality is there are lots of ways to feel good that don’t require intercourse. Of course, you know what feels good for you and – if you’re enjoying time with someone – it’s nice to relax and be taken care of. Perhaps that’s why porn for men is different from porn for women.

* Of course, not every man or woman is like every other man or woman in these (or any) respects. And while this article talks in the context of the majority, i.e. a “man” having a penis and a “woman” having a vagina, there is a wide range of gender identities and anatomies. Diversity is a beautiful thing.