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Hypothetically speaking, let’s say that you got stuck inside one of Disney’s theme parks during a hurricane.

Of course, in reality the Mouse would never let that happen because safety is of the utmost importance at Disney World, and also because their souvenir carts aren’t rated for wind speeds higher than 80 mph.

But if you had to endure a hurricane embedded deep in the heart of The Most Magical Place on Earth, I think it’s pretty safe to say that these particular attractionsare going to give you your best shot at survival – or at the very least make it a little more fun to pass the time along the way…

5. Living with the Land @ EpcotThat crazy prepper uncle of yours would be proud because no other attraction at Walt Disney World boasts its own sustainable food supply, not to mention you’ve already got yourself a flotilla of boats to make ebbing and flowing with the water levels a breeze! You’ll want to keep an eye on those baby alligators found in the aquaculture portion of the exhibit, but if anything, the little ones should be good practice to hone your skills before the regular-sized ones wander in to take back the land!

4. Pirates of the Caribbean @ Magic KingdomI mean, we don’t really hear about it in the song or anything, but pirates have got to be good at dealing with storms at sea, right? You can’t spend your entire life pillaging your way around the Caribbean without learning how to handle yourself in a hurricane or two, and even in the case that most pirates just go hopelessly and helplessly overboard at the first sight of a Category 5 Kraken, at least you’re bound to have plenty of rum to make that last voyage a memorable one.

3. Fantasmic! @ Disney’s Hollywood StudiosNow I know what you’re thinking – “But Scott, the Hollywood Hills Amphitheater is basically a giant bowl … is it really worth sticking around to see it transformed into the 2nd largest aquarium at Disney World?!” And normally I would agree that this seems like poor logic, but consider this … what’s literally the first thing that we see our star do when that epic fanfare sounds???

Mickey Mouse begins the show by conducting the water with his hands!

Surely if our main mouse can put on the majestic water show that is Fantasmic!, he can handle keeping the likes of one goofy, little hurricane under control!

2. Kali River Rapids @ Disney’s Animal KingdomIf all else fails and you’re gonna get wet anyways, might as well just hang out around this attraction because it’s hard for me to imagine getting any more soaked by a hurricane than I already do every. single. time. that I ride Kali River Rapids. At least if the rest of the park is abandoned, in theory you should be able to get through the squirt gun gauntlet unscathed … not that it really matters in the bigger picture here.

1. Typhoon LagoonAnd finally, our journey takes us to the most sensible place to ride out a hurricane at Walt Disney World – the water park that is already themed like it’s been hit by the mother of all tropical storms! They’ve got a lazy river, which admittedly probably becomes a little less lazy when you add dodging falling coconuts to the mix, and some of their waterslides will give you a water wedgie that’ll make a hurricane feel like one of those $14.99 spray misters on a hot day.

Factor in all of the hotdogs and Mickey bars that you can plunder from the concession stands and what you’ve got is a tropical hideaway fit for a demigod faced with Mother Nature’s most vengeful wrath!

At least until the FEMA trucks show up and evacuate you to the refugee camps located at It’s a Small World, anyways…

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About the Author

Scott Sevener writes The Disney Humor Column to chronicle the random things in life that amuse him ... at Walt Disney World!

Residing nearby in Tampa, FL with his wife and family, Scott spends his free time defending power cells in sector 9, believing in the power of imagination, and clocking enough time on The Wildest Ride in the Wilderness to be a genuine prospector in his own right...

About The Disney Humor Column

The Disney Humor Column is a vacation-inspired spinoff of Scott Sevener's weekly general-purpose humor column called The Humor Column, which you should also totally check out.

Highlighting the goofy fun that tends to stand out to those of us who've been to the parks more times than we can count on our fingers and toes, this is the site to read when you're ready for a break from all of those boring, useful informational sites!

Disclaimer

The Disney Humor Column is published independently by Comedic-Genius Media and is not affiliated with, authorized or endorsed by, or in any way officially connected with The Walt Disney Company.

But of course, if that's something that Mickey might be interested in ... let's just be clear that money talks and these jokes are pretty much guaranteed to be at least 30% funnier with an official sponsorship!