letters to the council

I cannot vouch for the truth of these funny quotes, alleged
variously to have been collected by staff at London's Islington Council Housing
Department, or instead apparently according to comedian Jasper Carrot, by staff
of Bassetlaw district, Nottinghamshire, (thanks PC) sometime towards the end of
the last century. According to legend the quotes are taken from letters written
by council tenants to the housing department, requesting maintenance attention
of various sorts. If you see something else in the words, that's entirely down
to your own interpretation.

If you know any more of the story behind these hysterical extracts
please tell me.

Whether these originated in London's fine borough of Islington,
Nottinghamshire's Bassetlaw, or anywhere else, or if they are simply the stuff
of urban myth, they are extremely funny, and illustrate how the simplest
communications can easily become confused.

These funny quotes also appear on the main
quotes page, where you'll find lots more quotes for amusement, learning,
inspiration, speeches, etc.

from 'letters to the council' (allegedly)

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my
fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the
outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the
wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is
about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age
pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be
pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top
of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy
the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but
still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden
before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we
can't get BBC2."

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