Golding's Grudge

I was having a rough patch in crashing some events. It started with Comic-Con. Organizers refused to give me a press pass because something I wrote on the Reader website last year bothered them. I pleaded my case but to no avail. I ended up finding a way to sneak in without paying and used the technique on all three days.

Around the same time, I found out that Jewel was doing a fundraiser for a child-abuse charity called Promises2Kids. The private concert was to be held at a big house in La Jolla and I got the okay to go. Then the PR firm said that former mayor Susan Golding was involved in the charity and that she “hated the Reader” and didn’t want me there. Again, I pleaded my case. When I write about charities, I explained, I show them in a good light. Golding was unswayed, but they had already emailed me the address. I figured I’d drive up and crash but then figured it wasn’t worth putting on dress clothes if security would be hard to get by.

As I was lamenting all this, a coworker told me about her daughter throwing a party for her son Robert, who was turning 25.

Amanda, who was throwing the party at her house, told me, “We tried to think of all different themes we could have. We decided on ‘ABC.’” I thought she was jumping on the Michael Jackson thing until she said that it stood for “anything but clothes.”

So, instead of wearing a black tie in La Jolla, it was a black Hefty trash bag in Clairemont. I wore black flip-flops and a black pair of boxer shorts underneath. When I parked a block away, I waited for the family walking their dog to go by.

As I walked into the backyard, I could see a crowd playing beer pong. A few people looked at me and my outfit and went back to doing what they were doing.

I said to a woman, “Great. You’re wearing the same trash bag as me. There’s always someone wearing the same outfit.” Although, she had been a lot more creative with her bag. She had made straps — it looked like a dress.

A guy showed up in a burlap sack with corresponding tie. He said, “I still have a lot of it left over in the car, if anyone else wants to make themselves a tie.” He went on to tell me he couldn’t decide what to wear and just walked the aisle of Home Depot.

A few women wore shower caps and shower curtains, which was a cute look. A woman designed a nice outfit for her husband and made herself a fancy dress from curtains they were going to get rid of. Her dress was really long and had a Middle-Eastern look.

A few guys were wearing bathing suits with no shirts. I heard one of them say, “I just didn’t have time to prepare anything. Sorry.”

I went over to the patio to check out the food. They had a wide variety of stuff, including fresh fruit, pizza, and lots of chips and snacks. When I grabbed a few Red Vines, a woman nearby said, “I just realized, I blew an outfit opportunity: creating something entirely edible.”

As I turned around with my piece of pizza, I noticed a stripper pole next to the back deck. Of course, it was only a matter of 30 minutes (and a few beers) before guys were swinging on it, acting goofy.

Robert was wearing a cowboy hat made of beer boxes along with shorts that he somehow made from the cases. I saw him talk to a woman covered in beer coasters.

A guy had covered his body in stickers. A woman told him, “I’d love to be there when you have to peel those things off. It’ll be like you’re waxing yourself.”

The music was blastin’, and everyone was having a good time. When women showed up, it was like a fashion show.

A lady wore an outfit made of tree leaves…creative and revealing. Someone asked where her husband was. I said, “They couldn’t find a leaf big enough for his crotch area.”

I noticed a beer bong going. And, one of the parents at the party was trying out the ice luge. As one guy poured the alcohol, I heard another say, “I can’t believe we’re doing shots with you guys. This is cool.”

Robert’s dad was wearing a big beer-mug hat, and he told me about ordering it online.

His future son-in-law ordered a Styrofoam cooler and cut it up to make his outfit. The part around his body was snug. He’d cut a huge hole in the lid — that was his hat. When everyone started dancing on the patio, he started joking around and pretending to do a strip tease. He was a bit drunk but was being funny and entertaining. Amanda, from over on the back deck, yelled sarcastically, “Stay away, ladies. He’s mine.”

The only outfit that beat the cooler was the guy who wore a huge plastic trash can. He’d made suspenders to hold it up. After an hour, I saw him holding onto the can with one hand. Two hours into the party, he had taken it off.

I sat down with a few cookies. When I looked up, I was surrounded by guys dancing and grinding into me. I felt like a piece of meat!

The party had kegs, coolers filled with all kinds of alcohol, and coolers with soft drinks. I started the evening off with a Coke Zero and a lemonade, but I ran into two women who had been at parties I’d written about years earlier. And as their men brought them drinks, someone was handing me margaritas. Pretty soon I was hammered.

I was bummed that the idiotic editor working on this took out my line about how I had to wait until the family walked by, because wearing a trashbag, made me feel like someone Chris Hansen would jump out to interview.

I was also bummed that I forgot about how many great outfits other people wore that I didn't get a chance to cover. One woman was wrapped entirely in that bubble wrap that you see in packages (and yes, everyone was popping her).

A few people had approns from fast food places like Jack in the Box.

One woman had a potato sack. I asked her if she was worried it would make her look fat and she said "There are some mashed potatoes in this sack."

A cute teacher wore orange cones that you see on the street, over her chest. It looked like something Madonna might've worn in the early 90s.

Another woman had martini glasses all over her hat. I asked if she was worried a drunk guy might try to fill them up. She told me her husband said people would if she did it with the red cups, which is why she switched to the martini glasses. She added, "With this crowd, they won't even know what these are. They might think it's a candelabra or something."

I was also surprised that none of the people seemed to be inspired by any outfits Bruno wore in his latest movie.

The funny thing about this group of costumes was...many of them weren't wearing clothes, but things like shower curtains, with rubber ducks in front of them, and a shower head above them. Really clever stuff like that.

Other people had a big mustache and sombrero. Which is great if you're going to a Cinco De Mayo party, but those items are still "clothing".

It was a lot fun.

(so...that's the way to get Fred to come back to my threads, write about someone that has to do with politics)

Hey Josh, you know I'm a busy guy. I have to pick and choose what I comment upon.

And you're right. Seeing a story that leads off with that corrupt scum of the earth former mayor Susan Golding declaring that you are somehow verbotten because the Reader didn't stick it's tongue up her backside...well, I can't resist.

It's not like she would have deigned to speak with you in any event. You don't have millions in cash lying around to fund her lavish lifestyle and puerile political ambitions, so she wouldn't have any more time for you than she did for the citizens and voters of San Diego.

Personally, if I were ever to be allowed to enter the kind of party that welcomes the likes of Susan "Have we bankrupted the city yet?" Golding, I'd walk up to her with a big smile, reach out my hand, and b***h slap her to the ground.

Same goes for former city manager Jack McGrory and notorious Peregrine and Padres fraudster John Moores. They both ought to be serving long terms in FMITA prison.

Instead, they go to exclusive parties and nibble on dainty snacks while chortling about how they took us rubes to the cleaners.

Oh well. That's how our "Christian Nation" works, it seems...lots of respect for law and order when it comes to busting homeless people for the crime of being poor and on the streets, but NO justice for wealthy and powerful criminals like Susan Golding, Jack McGrory and John Moores.

Yeah...it makes me hot under the collar.

Sorry about hijacking the thread, Josh. If you ever miss me, just put a famously corrupt politician's name in the headline again...I'll be back in a flash.

Personally, if I were ever to be allowed to enter the kind of party that welcomes the likes of Susan "Have we bankrupted the city yet?" Golding, I'd walk up to her with a big smile, reach out my hand, and b***h slap her to the ground.

Same goes for former city manager Jack McGrory and notorious Peregrine and Padres fraudster John Moores. They both ought to be serving long terms in FMITA prison.

I would do that too if I could get away with it, and would not end up in the slammer.

You're right tiki. I had a blast at the ABC party. One woman had this fancy dress, and she actually made it from the curtains in her home. She said it was an excuse for her husband to have to buy new curtains. And we talked a lot about the Carol Burnett Show, the episode where they parody Gone With the Wind, and she comes down wearing curtains (with the rod across her shoulders). So many interesting conversations, all derived from the things people were wearing.

But it's always fun to go to an event where a celebrity is mingling with the crowd. I went to one in Beverly Hills once with McCartney, and it was interesting to watch people like Larry King, Whoopi Goldberg, Mick Fleetwood, and Jay Leno, trying to get close to Sir Paul. The "regular folks" were just happy with Paul smiling, nodding, or shaking their hands. It was the other famous people, that wanted to monopolize his time.

I wanted to say to Larry King "You just interviewed him the other day. Back off and let some of us talk to the man."