I thank the Tetragrammaton every day for not having YouTube around when I was doing the whole puberty kick — I can only imagine the self-indulgent, grandiose, racially and sexually insensitive stuff I would have put out forever into the internet as a 13-year-old boy. And so I cringe when I see this video from Samuel Horowitz’s Bar Mitzvah — arguably the most over-elaborate spectacle of garish pomposity captured on film.

Hosted at the Omni hotel in Dallas, this Bar Mitzvah captures not just the dweebish tendencies of a rich kid who is about four years (if we’re all lucky) away from realizing what a dork he is, but also the hubris and shamelessness of his unseen parents. This, like that miserable “My Super Sweet Sixteen” show that MTV used to put out, is a form of child abuse in itself. Little Samuel Horowitz, though, technically, now a man in the Jewish faith, has no idea what he’s doing. But he will — sweet merciless hell — little Samuel Horowitz will one day exactly realize what his parents have done to him. And all the rabbis in all the synagogues in all the world won’t be enough to make him feel right on that day. I just hope that video makes it on YouTube as well.