Part I: Dealing Constructively with Sensitivity Issues

Exercise 6: Combining Warmth with Understanding

1. While focusing on a photo or on a thought of a close family member
toward whom you have positive feelings or, if you have no such person in your family, while
focusing on a photo or on a thought of a close friend

Recall your partner not taking you seriously when you said his or her behavior was upsetting
you

Remembering how you felt, focus on your close relative and consciously decide,
"I shall take you seriously, because you, your words, and your feelings are real, as in my own
case when I said I was full or upset."

Affirm your decision, by repeating after the group facilitator, or by saying aloud by yourself,
"I shall take you seriously."

Let the decision sink in and focus on feeling combined warmth and understanding toward the
person

Recall a sibling or friend being afraid to comfort you when you were upset

Remembering how you felt, focus on your close relative and consciously decide,
"I shall not be afraid to respond to you if you need me. Although I may contribute to your
success or failure, I am not the sole source affecting your situation, as with my sibling or friend
whose comfort I needed."

Affirm your decision aloud,
"I shall not be afraid to respond to you if you need me."

Let the decision sink in and focus on feeling combined warmth and understanding toward the
person

Recall your mother accusing you of irresponsibility when urgent business prevented you from
doing the shopping before the store closed

Remembering how you felt, focus on your close relative and consciously decide,
"I shall take in all the information about your situation, without jumping to conclusions. I
shall do this because I wish to avoid overreacting or responding to something I have merely
invented, like when my mother imagined I had forgotten the shopping."

Affirm your decision aloud,
"I shall take in all the information about your situation, without jumping to
conclusions."

Let the decision sink in and focus on feeling combined warmth and understanding toward the
person

Recall your partner accusing you of not loving him or her any longer when you criticized
something he or she did

Remembering how you felt, focus on your close relative and consciously decide,
"I shall keep sight of the larger context of our relationship so as not to jump to a false
conclusion over a tiny incident, like my partner did when I criticized his or her
behavior."

Affirm your decision aloud,
"I shall keep sight of the larger context of our relationship so as not to jump to a false
conclusion over a tiny incident."

Let the decision sink in and focus on feeling combined warmth and understanding toward the
person

Recall a relative offering to drive you to the airport and then coming so late that you missed
the plane

Remembering how you felt, focus on your close relative and consciously decide,
"Once I have decided to do something for you, I shall act straightforwardly. I shall do this
because you experience your problem as something urgent, as I did when I needed to catch my
plane."

Affirm your decision aloud,
"Once I have decided to do something for you, I shall act straightforwardly."

Let the decision sink in and focus on feeling combined warmth and understanding toward the
person

Recall your mother correcting the way you were chopping vegetables

Remembering how you felt, focus on your close relative and consciously decide,
"I shall refrain from offering my unneeded or unwanted help, opinion, or advice. I shall do
this because I do not wish to exploit you to gain a feeling of self-worth or of being needed, or to
feel more secure by taking control of things, as with my mother who could not resist correcting how
I chop vegetables."

With each person at each step, let the decision sink in and focus on feeling combined warmth
and understanding

2. Repeat the procedure while focusing on a partner

One of the pair repeats to himself or herself the five key sentences used in the circle, while
focusing on the decision

The person repeats the sentence aloud as an assurance to the other, while focusing on feeling
combined warmth and understanding

The speaker focuses on feeling that the person accepts and trusts the assurance

The listener focuses on feeling, accepting, and trusting the speaker's warmth and
understanding

Switch roles

For each of the five key sentences, the partners alternate: first one, then the other gives the
assurance, with both persons focusing on the mutual generation and acceptance of combined warmth
and understanding