Remake more splish than splash?

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After recently breaking huge stories about remakes of “The Birds” and “The Great Escape,” this blog has more Hollywood news. It turns out they’ve done a cheap remake of the 1984 Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah mermaid hit, “Splash.”

There are worrisome questions about whether the costume designer was wise to cover the female star from chin to floor. As the publicity photo below shows, she looks more like one of those big sea lions than Hannah’s sexy, playful mermaid.

Frankly, in the scene I watched, it took the new mermaid a painful 24 minutes to belly-flop her way from low tide to the beach. By then, Tom Hanks had called in a tip to the Gorton’s Fisherman Hotline (“Earn cash for finding fish“) and gone off for drinks with Meg Ryan. We all know how that will end up.

My friend, you have never been to Russia. I have. It is freezing buta** cold over there. This gal has a little heater under that skirt. That pointy thing on her head can be used to fend off people who want to steal her heater. It’s perfect outfit for Russian winter, da?!!

Your girlfriend was hit by a Sputnik and fused with a giant penguin? I don’t know what to tell you except if you still want to get some, it’s time you give her that big rock you have been holding out on.