so scared, so much pain but cant let go

torn in two, have no idea what to do, more diagnosis' have come for my grandma...she seems fine with it all but i am not. im scared, scared about so many things, about my grammie, scared that ill never get better. althou i am on a stronger dose of lexapro i dont feel the difference. in so much pain from withdrawing from DT and all of its people, so badly do I want to go back in but if i do....i kno ill die, i know something will happen and when it does there wont be anyone to stop me again. (i apologize for my rant and shouting in chat a couple of nites ago, it was because of dt and my current situation). best friend is gone again and who knows when i will hear from her again nevermind see her. abby ellis has finally crossed that very thin line between staying at the barn and being banned. shes done this to herself and i hate her with a passion, she knew what was going on and yet she kept screwing up anyways.
lately been having a very hard time, trying so hard to keep my wall up but twice now it has come crashing down and left me crying and barely able to breathe. the child locked deep within my soul keeps crying out but those cries never reach the surface. i look in the mirror at the failure before my eyes...and often see the face of a child, tears streaming down her cheeks, a pained look in her eyes but forever silent to the adults around her. silent screams coming from her mouth as she tries to just let go of the hope....hope that she will ever be free. even tho i kno this is me, its how i feel inside ill never let my broken child come thru...its not worth it

Hope the light of day lifts your spirits a little - your grandmother, at least your here to care for her. Other troubles you have - trouble in mind or actual real-life troubles, don't let them get you down.

As for seeing a child in the mirror - there'll be days you feel like a child but ask any adult when they last had fun and many will have been acting in a childish manner.

Hope you can maybe see your life in a more positive light this year. Try and make some little changes and win some small battles. Helping your gran is the main thing. Things like that are difficult but love has to overcome and I'm sure you'll be a great help there.

Good luck and God Bless - maybe I'm just talking rubbish but even rubbish is worth something. I know someone who works in a council rubbish tip and trust me there have been some fabulous finds. I wish I worked there - as you soon have a treasure trove.