Burning Man Becomes Battleground for Tech Elites: the Real Story

Burning Man Becomes Battleground for Tech Elites; The Real Story

A hot breeze blew over the city. The massive wooden man creaked, and thousands of unused, baby blue porta potties stood lonesome in the midday sun.
“Where is everyone? asked Sergey. The only people playing music are the djs we hired.” With that Sergey tossed the last bit of lobster tail down to Skrillex and Diplo who fought over it hungrily, grunting and clawing on the deck bellow.
“Ya.” Said Larry. “You don’t think all those articles about billionaires ruining Burning Man stopped people from coming do you?”
Just then Larry peered down at the fortune cookie that Alice Waters had packed in his lunchbox marked ‘Monday Lobster Lunch’. The note inside said, “Nobody goes there anymore…it’s too crowded”. Larry put down his chalice so that he could rip up the note with both hands. We’ll see about that Alice…we’ll fucking see about that…”

Wednesday Evening: 5pm: 4 O’clock & K

“They’re all gone!” Cried Mark. “My Sherpas have vanished! They took my drugs, laser cannons, glow in the dark condoms… and fucked off in my helicopter!”
Grover took a long drink from his bottle of absinthe. “ It’s no time to panic marky…radical self-reliance man, it’s just you and me now.”
“NO! It’s all ruined now Grover! I was supposed to take PCP and get carried around by a small army of topless hippie children! How am I going to SHOW my competitors that I am cooler than they are!?
“Chill out bro,” said Diddy, “We’ll figure something out, we will always have the music.”
“Shut-up Diddy, I’m calling in reinforcements…and by the way, your junk looks RI-DICulous.”
P Diddy looked down in disgust. Since only 20% of his staff showed up to the festival he was forced to paint his own penis, and he had botched the job badly.

Friday Sunrise: 630AM: 10 O’clock and something

Elite Force was spinning furiously for a crowd of hedge fund managers who were all shirt-cocking in golden parachutes. When Sergey and Larry showed up with the entire cast of the Transformers movie both Autobots and Decepticons.
“The Autobots carbon footprint is huge but look how cool we look Larry!” Said Sergey perched on the shoulder of Optimus Prime, 200ft above the dance floor.
“You’re right man,” said Larry, “Mark will never compete with us now, we’re bigger and better than EVER!”
Just then, rumbling could be heard off in the distance. The air became very still, a large dust cloud was building over the playa, yet there was no wind. It was Mark and Sheryl with a massive hoard of vigilantes wearing Aaa-mazing costumes.
When Sergey and Larry could see the whites of their eyes they noticed they were facing the entire cast from the 1939 production of The Wizard of Oz, as well as Aslan’s army from the Chronicles of Narnia. Mark and Sheryl where out front riding giant animatronic sharks with laser beams shooting from their eyes.
IT WAS CHAOS!!!!!

Friday Morning: 800AM: 9 O’clock and Esplanade

Hundreds of corpses of men, woman, robots and lollipop guild members lay strewn across the playa, and the battle waged on. No one was sure who had the upper hand until…death came from above.
A great shadow was cast over the battle field, all who fought stopped and looked up. It was Elon with a large army of Nasa engineers and New York Times Reporters in Iron Man suits.
“On my signal, unleash hell.” Said Elon calmly. “Yes Sir!” answered Jeff in his giant drone delivery copter. “Victory will be swift!”

Friday Morning: 8am ish: Outer Playa

Way out by the trash fence Daft Punk stood on an awesome spaceship art car they hand-made from recycling old robot costumes. They played their secret unreleased album to an empty dance floor.
“The one year we show up, and no one comes to see us.” Thomas said. “Burning Man really isn’t what people say it is.”

But if you should decide some other sounds are a problem, please contribute to our kickstarter campaign at http://www.burnerearplugs.org. For your contribution, we will gift you a set of earplugs for your use in BRC. For your convenience, to get your plugs, you can find our camp by just following the sound of the fire truck horn!

I could go on and on. Each one of these stories has been extremely well researched, compared to any other site you can name writing about Burning Man (including their own one that has been doing it for 20 years).

Meanwhile, this guest post is actually a work of fictional satire. I know it’s hard for idiots to tell the difference, I’m doing my bit here to help the idiots and trolls as well as the actual Burners who really care about this culture.