she haunts my mind

Friendship and social circles.

I’ve found myself caught in the trap again. I’ve somehow got into difficulty with an amazing best friend, and yet I have no idea how. Perhaps I feel a bit pushed to the side, with new acquaintances, new friends, new social circles coming into the mix, I feel the social circle I was once in crumble into pieces. Everyone is going their separate ways and I feel vulnerable, and at a loss. I feel heartache, my heart feels like it’s suffering a break up, because in effect, that’s practically what it’s become. Yet, being told a break is what they need, and that it won’t change the friendship when the time is ready, I feel doubt and uncertainity that they’re right.

On 30th June, I post on social media the following:

“I’m tired, and I feel so frustrated and angry (maybe more annoyed than angry).

Problem is, whilst I’ve been through therapy/s I still find myself being destructive when it comes to friendships.

I need to bite my tongue, and I know, I know that people lead their lives differently to me, and that is okay… But to me, sometimes some things just don’t make sense and I guess things get a bit blurred and I find myself getting annoyed at the fact situations can change.

I don’t like it when things change. I struggle with change. So when something happens to change a situation, I get frustrated and panic at how I may cope and deal with the situations and take it out on those who have “caused” it.

It’s not their fault, because they’re free to live their own life and change plans.

I just wish that the plans would change when it didn’t affect me.

Sounds selfish I know, but I do think I have the right to feel the way I feel. Just wish it wasn’t as extreme because of the bpd, and that I could have the emotions of an average joe, just so I can move on and live my own life…

Y’know??”

As well as:

“I think I’m lost…

I have a busy weekend coming up and I want to try and enjoy it.

Emotionally exhausted, so this is going to be fun… I’m thinking about doing a digital detox, and wonder if any of you have done one before?

Last year for Lent, I gave up Facebook. And I am tempted to give it another go.

Do you not feel as though your life ends up warped online? You can be who you want to be but also be so vulnerable and open to breaking yourself and ruining things? You can become more destructive but also find yourself realising what you had and feelings so much is lost?

I am heartbroken. I feel defeated. Like here’s no moving on. Yet, I am a warrior and I want to keep fighting until I win. But I don’t feel as though I am succeeding in the battle. “

And this:

“I feel so paranoid “

For me, social media is somewhere I can let out my feelings “safely”, but can still have its consequences. Things get misread and misjudged. Where, through therapy, I found myself learning to take things slowly, and reading things before posting them/thinking about the consequences before pushing enter, there are still times where I find myself forgetting all what I’ve learnt and just hitting that button. My wife, sitting next to me, a part of the same online conversation, would be telling me to stop it, yet I’d continue to type and send things. I feel I was pushing her away too. I don’t know why. It seems as though as soon as I get hurt, I push anyone and everyone away from me. It’s most likely the fear of abandonment – let’s push people away now before they leave me and hurt me type of scenario.

I’m remorseful for what has happened. I feel regret. I feel anxiety and worry that things cannot, and will not go back to how they were, and that I only have myself to blame.

I decided to limit myself to some social media networks – most particulary Facebook, where chats on messenger can get out of control, and comments on posts misread. We can take a simple comment such as “So many shitty people in the world though”, and assume that you’ve directly been told you’re a shitty person, despite that not being the fact.

I think that social media is actually a very lonely place, and where you might feel popular through conversations, you’re life is actually very mediocre and and small in comparison to everyone else. It can also make you feel incredibily lonely when you realise that none of these “friendships” exist offline, and that online you can be whoever you want to be.

I’ve lost so many friendships, and had many arguments online. And all I’ve wanted to do is have a human conversation either in person or on the phone. Yet, I find myself in this impossible situation where the phone calls don’t get picked up, and that people find themselves wanting a “break” from me. I wonder what I do to get myself in these situations, when I thought that things were going okay.

I think I need to silence myself for a while and focus on me. I worry that I push people away when the discussions lead to other people, which probably makes them feel paranoid, wondering what I may think/say about them. Perhaps I come across as being a bitchy person, and as I say, need to just silence myself for a while. It appears I’ve become so engrossed in other people, worrying about them, trying to arrange outings/social times, yet I need to learn, understand and accept that those in my own friendship circle, have their own social circles and their own lives, and for most of the time, I do not matter to them because of everything else going on. I need to learn to respect decisions, and whilst I feel excluded and pushed away, as I see other social circles growing, I need to remember, that it is not the quantity of friendships and social circles you have, but the quality of those friendships, and if the friendships I have are anything to go by, then I’m actually a very lucky person, as I don’t have any other social circles, and whilst I may feel very much alone when the members of the social circle are out doing their own thing, I shouldn’t worry about that, but allow myself to enjoy time on my own too, because that’s okay. Some of the things (the issues) I will never find out, and maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know.

If the friendships are strong enough, then they will last regardless of having a “break” or not.

There’s a lot to learn, and I’m always going to be learning. As I get older, the harder friendships are to come by. I need to try and hold onto the ones I have. I appreciate them so much and I am so hurt by the damage I seem to have caused without even realising I was doing it.

I’m sorry.

That’s all for now. I need to get on with some coursework… Time for some ‘Me’ time!

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About Me

After therapy and finding my own voice, I am on the pathway to hopefully help and inspire others with mental health and chronic pain to find their voice and help break the stigma of living with these illnesses, as well as share my journey along the way.