Top 5 Facts of Life That I’m Slowly Starting To Accept

Life is full of lessons. That doesn’t mean that I have to pay attention to them. Sometimes, the universe likes to throw curveballs, and I like to turn the other way and look at something else. However, in order to enforce positive change, I must stare these fuckers in the eye. I am now weaning away from denial regarding the following 5 things:

5) I-196 Will Always Be A Barren Warzone

It kind of reminds me of a bad sci-fi movie...except lamer...

I vividly remember moving to the Grand Rapids area 5 years ago, and the first time merging from I-96 to I-196. I thought to myself “Hmm…The Gerald Ford Expressway.” That man is rolling in his grave, and his grave is filled with potholes and construction. Although 196 has been permanently under construction for as long as I remember, there has been no improvements at all since the first bumpy ride I partaked. The funny thing is, I always expect that someday all of the construction and traffic jams will pay off when the road is magically smooth enough to float over. This will never happen. The construction is a decoy to ward off terrorists. Nobody wants to actually travel down this road. It has come to the point that I am avoiding this traffic artery by any means necessary. Move to the northwest side of town? Well, fuck you, we are no longer friends. Because there is no way that I’m going to cross 196 to get to your house. You weren’t that cool anyway. All of my real friends live off of a 131 exit. Get with the program. Sucka.

4) Every Time I Drink Budweiser, My Gas The Next Day Will ALWAYS Smell Like An Old Shoe

Wow, someone actually bought those shoes...

Anyone that knows anything about The Coze will know that I detest Budweiser like a sickness. However, I keep on finding myself in situations where Bud has to be consumed. For example, when I’m at a shitty bar, and the only fragment of a special that they can muster out of their pathetic minds is to have $2.00 Bud Light drafts or $2.00 Budweiser bottles. This is still a terrible deal, but what can you do in a place where a Coors costs $3.50? Okay, I’m getting off track. Regardless, every day after a night of Bud drinking, I have a strangest gas, much like most people get from consuming shitty beer. However, this gas does not smell like fecal matter or food or Budweiser or anything bodily at all. It smells like rotten shoe. For the past year, every time I had drank more than 2 Budweisers, I would think that my shoes were really dirty. However, sometimes I would be barefoot, and therefore, perplexed. I can now see the truth: Budweiser makes my farts smell like shoes, and if that’s not a reason to boycott America’s most popular beer, I don’t know what is. FUCK BUDWEISER AND THE CULTURE IT RODE IN ON!

3) There Will Never Be A Game As Good As Tecmo Super Bowl

Is this even possible in the new Madden games?

After I found this accompanying picture, I thought that maybe I should be facing facts about the Detroit Lions instead. However, I was never in denial with their reality (same goes for the Chargers, who carry facts that I have already admitted in numerous roundups). When I was 6 years old, my parents had a yard sale. My cousin had some old NES games that didn’t sell, so they were bestowed to me, because apparently his Genesis did what Nintendidn’t. One of those games was Tecmo Super Bowl, a cryptic game involving a sport that was at the time also cryptic. I got through the kickoff, and then got lost in the play selection screen. I knew absolutely nothing about football. I saw the words 1 QTR in the corner, so I figured that it meant that I had to wait 15 minutes to do a play. So I waited. And waited. And then I realized the next day that you use button combinations to call plays. I had no idea plays were called in football. I learned everything I needed to know about the game of football by playing Tecmo Super Bowl for an entire summer. 16 years later, I have not gone a 2 month period without playing this game at least once. It’s an extremely unrealistic game, which is why it will never be comprimised by any games made today. The fact that it’s unrealistic makes it fun. There’s no way that Steve Young could ever throw a 100 yard completion from endzone to endzone, but damnit, it’s so fucking funtasmic! Now that Madden has the monopoly on the NFL license, it is guaranteed that a true Tecmo Super Bowl reboot will never happen, and in my mind, no other game will ever compare. But I still play Madden every year, hoping to get just a hint of that warm feeling that I got when I kicked my first 70 yard field goal. Some things will never be the same. However, it must be noted that there are beloved hackers out there that create an updated version of Tecmo Super Bowl every year for the everchanging team locations and rosters. It’s quite fun to play with current players, but I still have yet to find a way to get it on my Dreamcast. Tecmoing on a keyboard blows. Hard.

2) Indie Girls Love Their Boyfriends

The warmness inside is actually growing vomit

This is one of those topics that I have a lot to say about, but can never think of a way to properly explicate my words. To put it simply, if I was to be defined to be in the “Indie” social class, I must be at the very bottom rung. However, I don’t hang on bottom rungs, so I suppose that makes me a “poser”. And nobody likes a poser. Shit, posers don’t even like posers. Okay, so I’m not Indie, that’s cool, I hate most of their music and points of view anyway. But then why am I so attracted to their womenfolk? It seems like every time I see a stereotypical Indie girl, my insides get all jarbled up like I’m in love or ate too much ice cream. So of course, I try very awkwardly to get to know these girls. Some of them will talk to me, some won’t. Either way, one thing rings true with every single one of them: she has a boyfriend, and he is the best man to ever live. This guy can do no wrong. He knows exactly what to say, when to give, and where to listen. This man has reality figured out! He’s always so funny (everything he says is an absolute riot!), and she just loves the way that he doesn’t care about his appearance. He is extremely righteous, he always has a plan for a grand scheme to do with his Indie posse, and he never loses his keys, because they are always attached to his fucking belt loop. 9 times out of 10, after encountering this guy, I know with confidence that I am better than this person. But what can I say? Indie girls love their boyfriends, no matter how homeless and smug they appear to be. This will be a common occurrence for the rest of my life. My brain is wired to be automatically uncontrollably attracted to these girls. I go nuts over their colorfullness, their skirt & tight combo, their frizzy hair and their plastic frames. I just…can’t…help it. Things like these might explain why I might be miserable for the rest of my life. In fact, I almost hope that this gets read by one of these chicks. Maybe then she could realize how much of an asshole I am…or that her boyfriend is a complete douche.

1) Cheese Fries Are Bad For Your Health

Are you serious? These things are unhealthy? Naw nugga!

I have been a vegetarian for almost 2 years now. Because of this, cheese fries have become my staple food. It’s a thing of ultimate comfort and deliciousness. I have masterfully devised the perfect way to make them at home, complete with a layer of onions. It’s heaven, it’s bliss, it’s so fucking fantastic! But oh no, I think I might be gaining weight. But I don’t eat meat! How can I be gaining weight again?!?!?

1 Plate of TeeCoZee’s Patented Cheese Fries (looking at the facts for the first time):

660 Calories (260 from Fat)

35G of Fat

60MG of Cholesterol

Serves one.

And sometimes, I’m still hungry afterward! Whoops! For the past 2 years, I have been inhaling these things, but they have almost no nutritional value at all! For shame!

Man, it really DOES feel good to wake up and face the facts. Maybe every human should try to do it sometime!

Yeah. I brought up the $1 beer issue when we were having the meeting to decide whether or not to have me there Thursday. They claim that they can’t get beer cheap enough to justify selling it for $1. I knew this was going to be an issue but until I can prove myself a commodity by bringing a good crowd for a few weeks, I can’t make any demands.
On the other hand, I can’t build a crowd if people show up, see the drink prices and go “fuck this.”
So yeah, I think it sucks and I’d never drink Budweiser on purpose.
The DJ Thursday at Mulligan’s is doing a pretty good job of ripping off my playlist and the beer is $1 over there so allow me to direct you to my competition.
It’s like I’m the Santa on “Miracle on 34th St.” I’m sending you to go buy your toy fire engine at Gimbel’s even though I’m the Santa at Macey’s because I just want the kids to be happy. MEEEEEERRY CHRISTMAS!