Tag: Donald Trump

65 million years ago a meteor six miles wide crashed into the Earth. The residents blamed Obama and said that the meteor was part of a conspiracy to support his new world order. Choking on ash and poison gas, most of them died shortly thereafter thus turning the last page of the Mesozoic Era.

Organisms go extinct when they can no longer adapt to the prevailing climate.

Included on the short list of survivors was the winged dinosaurs and they flew on to see the dawn of a new age.

The Cenozoic Era continues today.

When I was 31, the tumbleweeds and goat-heads had overgrown the land between my back wall and the road. Being a good citizen, I called the city to complain. The bored woman on the phone said, “Yep, alright”, and hung up. The following week, everyone who lived on my street received citations from the city demanding that all the weeds be cleared from behind each respective house on the land between the back wall and the road. The land, that falls behind each person’s property but that the homeowners are not allowed to use in any way, yes, that land which was not ours. The citation read, in no uncertain terms, “Remove the weeds yourself or we will have them removed and send you the bill.”

Way to go, Slick.

I never told the neighbors that I was the one who complained to the city.

Last week I turned 41.

The previous day, Hillary Clinton won the popular vote but Donald Trump became President Elect of the United States – making this the 2nd election in twenty years where the choice of the people was misrepresented by the electoral college.

Some may consider this to be an evolutionary step backwards, like webbed nostrils or the development of genitals in close proximity to the rectum, but in the year of post truth others have a feeling that America is on it’s way to becoming great again. I say we called to complain about the weeds and, in doing so, won Shirley Jackson’s Lottery.

Be careful what you ask for, America. God won’t save us if we can’t adapt.

“Democracy doesn’t work in a large and diverse country when all we do is demonize each other.”

– Barack Obama

By the way, you can tell if someone is a demon because they smell like sulfur… or so I’ve heard.

Would you rather watch in horror as the oncoming train rounds the bend or just play Candy Crush on your phone until the sudden stop? And the bigger question, does it really affect the outcome one way or the other?

This dilemma, of whether or not the knowledge is worth the burden, has become the American condition.

I know I should probably be following the election more closely. I should tune in everyday to get my fair share of abuse but spending any measurable amount of time in the electoral theater of the absurd is just too much, even for me.

I try to imagine what Hunter Thomson’s new book would be called and, to wit, he killed himself some time ago. You know, before things got really weird.

The dangers of daily mindset training, when the monologue runs amok through fun house mirrors, is that a mind unhinged on fear and loathing will believe absolutely anything so long as it pushes the sore tooth.

“It used to take one, now it takes four. You don’t get me high anymore.”

-Phantogram

Having developed a tolerance to psychotropic nonsense at levels previously believed to be fatal, it takes more and more to get us high nowadays. And make no mistake, we’re utterly intoxicated but the thrills grow harder to come by.

The first election in which I was old enough to vote was Dub-ya VS. Al Gore. No one is actually going to vote for this clown, I thought to myself while watching George W. on TV for the first time.

I was mistaken but good ole W seems like Norman Rockwell compared to the angry orange man whose supporters have put forth the proposition that the 19th Amendment should be repealed. In case you missed that day in history class, the 19th Amendment is the one that gives women the right to vote. Apparently Trump’s army of Trumplets feel their right by might, pussy grabbing, “let’s build a wall” and “show me the birth certificate” candidate would have a better chance of winning if all those pesky women voters would just pipe down and get back to the business folding laundry and mixing cocktails.

But hold on a minute, raise your hand if you remember that Trump briefly threw his hat in the race when Obama was up for reelection in 2012. Does anyone remember why he quit? According to The Washington Post, he dropped out of the race in favor of keeping his show, The Celebrity Apprentice, on the air. Personally, I think that after weighing the cost of the campaign vs. his chance of dying a slow and humiliating death while debating Obama, he decided to wait and run against someone whom he thought would be easier to beat – like a woman. Naturally, he presumed himself to have a better chance of winning if he ran against a woman but that is, of course, just my opinion.

I have voted in every election since 2000 when Al Gore won the popular vote but did not get elected and have been asking the same question every time: Is this the best we’ve got?

The republicans evidently lack even a single qualified person in their ranks who is willing to step up. By qualified, I mean capable of doing more than make bumper sticker insults, not confusing religion for science, and perhaps being able to name all 50 states would be good too.

Sarah Palin’s idiocy single handedly killed John McCain’s campaign in 2008 but, even in the midst of that debacle, McCain called out a woman and set her straight when she shouted out that Obama was a terrorist at one of his rallies.

Two days ago, Trump approved conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones, concluded that Hillary Clinton was a bona fide, according to Hoyle, demon. But don’t take my word for it, see for yourself.

Wow. And for this he gets a fat thumbs-up from Trump.

How broken does your mind have to be to watch that video and think it sounds reasonable?

As it turns out, it really does matter what you put in your brain hole.

I would watch the debates but there’s just no point except to get all riled up. I’ve made my mind up awhile ago and let’s be clear, I wouldn’t vote for Hillary just because she’s a woman and I wouldn’t vote for her just because she’s a Democrat. Absolutely not, in fact I wish the Republicans could send out a qualified candidate so that there would be an actual choice to make. But this is not a choice. Neither was the last election, or the one before that, or the one before that. Sufficed to say, it’s been awhile.

Each passing election pushes the envelope between extreme politics and certifiable insanity. Worst of all, the pandering to the lowest common denominator has now made it cool to have the title Fucktard appear after one’s name where the letters MD or Ph.D may have once been coveted. Before too long they’ll be pouring Gatorade on plants…

And here we are, either turning off the TV, unfriending people on Facebook and closing the blinds to the outside world or standing around the Tree Of Questionable Knowledge gorging our sticky faces on poison apples and waiting for the rapture.