A long time ago (okay, it wasn't a long time ago, but it felt like it), I wrote a blog post called "The Sound of Silence" about what it means when bloggers go quiet. In good circumstances, a blogger might declare that they are no longer for the blogging world and are choosing to focus on other aspects of their life. But far too often, people just fall off the radar because blogging is the least of their worries.

2014 has been crap so far. My cat, Spike, died after nearly a year of twice-a-day insulin injections, complications, and a rather quick demise. And then I fell in the shower (not a slip and fall, just gravity exerting itself on me) on what was supposed to be an awesome night (Alton Brown Live!).

I now go to physical therapy twice a week to address the lingering issues. Yesterday, my therapist kicked my ass. She was testing the range of motion in my hips as well as the alignment of my back and hips. Result? I need a tune-up. I came home from PT feeling a bit nauseated (pain does that), with a mild headache, and all I wanted was to crawl in bed. I woke up this morning more sore and in more pain than last night.

I try to be a happy, upbeat person, but at this point I've been dealing with back injuries for half my life (I first injured my back when I was 16 and I'm 32 now). There are going to be days where optimism is just not a choice; it requires too much energy and rose-colored blinders. There are days when optimism gives way to not pessimism but doubt and resentment.

This past weekend, Facebook and Twitter were abuzz with springtime races, family photos from gatherings, baby announcements, vacation photos, honeymoon photos, engagement announcements. I doubt whether I'll ever be able to shift from the day-to-day struggles to actually being able to enjoy life. It's hard to think about things like dating, or the possibility of marriage and/or kids when I'm struggling to put on my underwear or having to psych myself up to picking up something that I've dropped.

The resentment doesn't look good on me. But I am resentful of having to celebrate everyone else's [life achievement]. I want some celebrations of my own. I want some landmarks and announcements. I want people to look at me and my life and think that I've got it all. I don't want people to look at me and my life and think that I'm as miserable as I feel...cause I already think that.

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I understand being in a bad place and all the shitty emotions that comes with it. Please know that you are not alone and that you are loved by people who haven't "technically" met you. Injured or healthy, you're still an inspiration to me, Robby dear.

This morning I got depressed reading some other people's happy blogs. So big (careful) virtual hugs from someone who understands. (Note I don't claim to "know exactly how you feel" because that always makes me want to smack the speaker.)

I'm sorry you're in this bad place- I definitely don't fault you for feeling what you do, you are dealing with some real sucky stuff. I hope very much that your body heals and you can live the life you want!

@Natalie: **careful hugs back** I hate coming off like a sore (weight) loser/jealous person, but it's not like I want my friends to be as miserable as I am. I want to be as happy and strong as they are.

@jeanette: Thank you for what you said. I've had people tell me that my blog is a broken record and self-indulgent. It's a huge comfort to know that i don't have to be "on" all the time to benefit other people.

@LoL: I had 12 wonderful years with Spike and well, a few sucky weeks after losing him. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

@Cris: You're very right -- it sucks to have a body that is more limited than our imaginations and our desires, but when the stars align... I think that makes us all the more thankful.

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About Robby

I'm 37 and have been overweight or obese since I was 8 years old. This is my journey to change not only my body but my relationship with it. And who knows, I might even meet some people on their own journeys along the way. To contact me privately, email me at FatGirlvsWorld@gmail.com