Sunday, February 27, 2011

House: Terrible Movies #65

Warning: This film review contains spoilers.

I would like to give this film a positive review. I don't think I can.

Schoolgirls visit a white-haired aunt and her white cat in a haunted house. Stuff happens. Girls say things like "Only a witch cat can close a door.", and "Chocolate, candy, bread, love and dreams." People spontaneously break into song. Everyone is unusually happy, like a Doublemint Gum ad from Hell. You just know the movie's going to jump the rails, and boy, does it. Here's the rundown: Decapitated human head in a well. Flaming log kung-fu. Death by watermelon. Death by piano. Death by mattress with lightning bolts. Death by clock. Bloody geisha. Dancing severed body parts. Dressers that spurt blood. Cat flinging. Dune buggy. Jazz fusion.

Whatever the filmmakers attempted to do, they succeeded. I'm assuming they wanted to create an unreal, schizophrenic, and off-putting psychedelic and avant-garde horror movie experience. You get that. It's breathlessly edited, and everything but the kitchen sink is thrown at the screen in hopes something sticks. It often doesn't. You never connect with the characters, who are named Gorgeous, Melody, etc., in an attempt to fill in the blanks on their personalities. It's like Sid and Marty Krofft producing Days Of Our Lives in Japan aboard the Yellow Submarine with the Iron Chef. On crack. I watched it on DVD, but you probably shouldn't.