Weekly Wrestling Report

Hello fellow IGNers! Welcome once again to this week's summary of TV wrestling. Let's go straight to the summaries because I can't think of a good introduction this week.

WWE RAW

Last Monday I had the privilege of discussing Raw with the lovely online goddess, Miss Galatea. As luck would have it, I couldn't have picked a better night to discuss Raw with her.

If you haven't read about this week's edition of Raw, you missed the WWE commit one of its biggest mistakes. In an effort to keep ratings from tanking due to Monday Night Football, Raw showed the infamous HLA scene. HLA standing for "hot lesbian action." This segment was hyped throughout the show, and in the end it turned into another "3-minute" segment.

Not only didn't this segment fulfill its goal (the rating fell to a four-year low, averaging 3.4), but it tarnished its relationship with its fan base, the Internet community, and the networks that carry raw (TNN and TSN).

Hopefully this will be the ultimate reminder that T&A no longer sells.

In other events, Rob Van Damn became the number one contender for Triple H's World championship. I believe that the purpose of this feud will be to establish RVD as a main eventer. However, it will mean nothing if RVD does not pin Triple H at "Unforgiven." If that happens, then RVD will suffer the same fate as Chris Jericho.

Overall, this show wasn't that bad. In fact, I thought it was a pretty good show. The wrestling ranged from decent to great and the Triple H segments were kept to a minimum. I won't take the HLA scene into consideration because those who expected big things about it don't know their WWE. Besides, there's always lesbian porn in Skinemax if you want to see HLA.

TV Recap - The Un-Americans (Lance Storm and Christian) defeated Kane and Bradshaw to retain the WWE Tag Team titles. Bradshaw cut a pro-American promo before the match, and said that he'd win the titles for America. Finish came when William Regal KOed Bradshaw with The Power of the Punch, and Christian got the pin. Bradshaw ripped his left bicep early in the match. He'll be out for four to six months. It is unknown which hoss will replace him. (65%)

- Eric Bischoff made his way to the ring. He booked a fatal four-way elimination match between Chris Jericho, Jeff Hardy, Big Show, and Rob Van Dam for a shot at the WWE World title, due to backstage resentment. Bischoff ranted on the Billy and Chuck wedding and all the publicity it got. He called it a publicity stunt. Bischoff decided to provide real entertainment and promises hot lesbian action (HLA) later in the evening. *cough*

- Chris Jericho told Terri that he was formulating a strategy that would guarantee him victory in the fatal four-way match, while eating an apple and spitting it at Terri.

- Triple H said that he's not scared of Rob Van Dam, and he didn't care who won the fatal four-way match. Bubba Ray came in and questioned Triple H's testicular fortitude for wrestling Spike instead of him. He added that he'd take care of Triple H after he took care of Steven Richards. Steven attacked Bubba from behind. The nerve!

- Trish Stratus and Terri saw the lesbian locker room as they walked down to the ring.

- Bubba Ray Dudley defeated Steven Richards in a hard fought match. He almost murdered Steven with a release German suplex midway through the match. Ending came when Bubba Ray Dudley countered a top-rope hurracarana into a top-rope powerbomb. This was a fun brawl that reflects Raw's lack of star power. (75%)

- Victoria and Stacy Keibler stretched before the match. Remember kids: nothing protects you better from potential injury than stretching before your match.

- Trish Stratus and Terri defeated Stacy Keibler and Victoria when Terri splashed Stacy from the top rope. Here's the problem with the ¿Divas¿ division: why even wrestle if they're emphasizing the T&A over the wrestling? Actually, I understand why: because they need filler material due to Raw's lack of star power. This was another fun match, much better than what I dreaded. (70%)

- Chris Nowinski told William Regal, who officially joined the Un-Americans because he had an Un-American shirt on, that he couldn't wait for the HLA. Regal slapped him and reminded him about Molly Holly.

- Chris Nowinski made his way to the ring to trash talk about Iowa State University. Tommy Dreamer came out with two Singapore canes. He made his way to the ring and both men brawled. Nowinski rolled out of the ring and headed for the hills.

- The lesbians (UPW's Looney Lane and Savvy) wished Spike good luck in his match, and entered their locker room and allegedly started making out. Spike just spat his water.

- Triple H defeated Spike Dudley with the SLEEPER OF DOOM! Match picked up by the end and the crowd was solidly behind Spike. Oh wait, I'm sorry; I typed what the WWE expected to happen. A faint ¿Triple H¿ chant started just before Spike was declared unconscious. That probably was the spot that got the most heat. A decent match ruined by the ending. Triple H stomped on Spike's limp body because he's a HEEL, until Bubba Ray made the save. (70%)

- Jeff Hardy said how his dream is to become the World Champion, but saw Bischoff and walked towards him. Bischoff kissed Jeff's ass, but Jeff exploded in his face anyway.

- Big Show finished listening Chris Jericho's advice. He shrugged it off, but Johnny the Bull suggested him to follow it. Big Show threatened Johnny and walked away.

- Goldust interrupted Booker T from cutting a pro-American promo to cut one of his own (in Kane mode!). Kane appeared and Goldust quivered. Bradshaw appeared and suggests the Real Americans to drink beer and see HLA. Goldust begged to differ, but Kane was horny. Booker T said, ¿How great America is¿ and gave the crowd a chance to sing along with him. SUCKAAAAA!

- Booker T and Goldust against The Un-Americans (Test and William Regal) ended with a Sports-Entertainment Finish when the rest of the Real Americans and the Un-Americans interfered. Match was given too much time for that ending. (50%)

- The lesbians came out for the HLA scene! They even got a TV title, which was quite funny. Eric Bischoff played the perverted MC, and walked the lesbians through their session. Just as the lesbians kissed, Bischoff declared that the segment went 3-minutes too long. So the Island Boys destroyed them. Jamal gave Looney Lane and incredibly stiff kick and apparently injured her ribs.

- RVD defeated Chris Jericho, Jeff Hardy, and The Big Show to become the no.1 contender for the WWE World championship.

font size=+1>WWE SMACKDOWN!

Well, the wedding turned out to be a sham. Billy and Chuck declared that they were never gay. It'll be fun to see if the WWE get any backlash from the press they had, particularly from GLAAD. Maybe this will be the WWE's worst PR week. I don't really have much to say about the wedding.

However, just like Raw, the wrestling was no less than decent and the segments involving the Undertaker were kept to a minimum.

- LOS GUERRERO~! defeated John Cena and Edge when los Guerrero gave Cena the Guerrero Special (brainbuster and frogslpash combo) on Cena. High spaced action that reminded me a lot of a AAA lucha match. Or at least from the ones I saw when I lived in Mexico seven years ago. However, the evening literally turned sour for the Guerrero as Eddie got shoved into Chavo's ass by mistake. Definitely a dark memory for the Guerrero family.

- Rico convinced Steph to be the witness of the wedding.

- Kurt Angle defeated Rey Mysterio. Angle cut a promo before the match. He kept ending his promo with comments that could've easily been misinterpreted. Pretty funny stuff. Rey got a really good pop. The finish came when Angle angle-slammed Rey Rey off the top rope. Awesome match. (90%)

- Chris Benoit demanded a match with Angle for Unforgiven. Stephanie McMahon approved. Matt Hardy demanded a match against the Undertaker later in the evening. Stephanie approved because he has ¿Mattitude.¿ Mattitude: effective in getting your way.

- Rico came down to make sure that the¿ um, civil courtroom I suppose, is ready. Stephanie came down to the ring to be the witness. Gap of logic here: the ring was filled with many potential witnesses. Anyway, the ceremony went like any other movie or TV wedding. The crowd was quite apathetic to this, by the way. The Godfather came out, with girls on hand, and tried to convert Billy and Chuck back to heterosexuality, but Rico kicked him and his hoes out of the courtroom. Billy and Chuck were hesitant to commit to each other, but Rico tried to forced them to say ¿yes.¿ However, Billy and Chuck bailed out by renouncing homosexuality. Rico took offense, and the justice declared that the wedding had gone three minutes too long. The justice unmasked himself and revealed himself as ERIC BISCHOFF~! Rico turned on Billy and Chuck, and the Island Boys destroyed Billy, Chuck, the ¿alter¿ and Stephanie. Edge, Rey Mysterio, and John Cena chased the Raw boys and Rico away from the building, while other top Smackdown! superstars checked on Stephanie. This lasted too long. Bischoff and the Island Boys probably became the top faces of Smackdown! by destroying the ceremony.

- Torrie Wilson defeated Nidia. It appears that Nidia got Vince's DD special. That leaves to¿ what, only two women in the WWE that don't have silicone in their system? Blah match, but at least it was short. (50%)

- The Undertaker left his pregnant wife in his locker room, while Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman accompanied