If your mommy really is a "Bella", that means you are a demon spawn whose father had to rip through your mommy's stomach with his vampire teeth to release you from her womb. You also will grow abnormally fast, be a child forever, and have a totally consensual love affair with a werewolf 17 years your senior. So that's good.

Yes you guys. You too can rush into a teen marriage prematurely, so that you can have sex without remorse. And have a demon grow in your uterus. And name her Renesmee. All because of this heavenly bauble.

Now you can give your gifts a Wolf Pack tattoo when you wrap and send them! Not to mention the hours of entertainment you'll get out of "giving" some poor unsuspecting boy a tape tattoo ("I promise it won't hurt to take off!") . Available at the Twilight center for entertainment joy, Hot Topic.

In Twilight, Esme and company invite Bella over for some Italiano, so now you too can extend a lil vampire hospitality to your favorite friends who will gaze at you in silence, shaking their heads with sadness that you trust Stephenie Meyer with your discerning palate, as you try to whip up some favorites from Love at First Bite including Bella's Lasagna, Harry's Famous Fish Fry, and of course mushroom ravioli as the main course. See Twilight lunchbox for further instructions.

Bella's Birthday Dress
For maximum effect, make sure your hair isn't done and you wear black cons - this is like the American Girl Doll dress up gone horribly wrong. Especially since this is the dress Bella gets smacked around in, for her protection. Available at Hot Topic not that we tried it on or anything, shut up!

Twilight Barbie replicas
Added to the category of slightly creepy yet totally keeping in tune with the rest of the great merch, Mattel commissioned replicas of Bella and Edward whose plastic skins are whiter than white (though Eddie doesn't seem to sparkle as much as we would have thought). They're not available yet, but come November 25, snatch one up for the Twilhards in your life, so they can creepily act out the books on their own!

We can't believe this isn't easier to find. The boy's hair was the butt of everyone's jokes and eventually became so popular he got his own generic "Night Time Romeo" wig. But we all know what it really meant.

"No one Forks with the Chief of Police" except me! Look we love Charlie and his Magnum PI mustache. And maybe we're a bit nicer to the Dads everywhere every time Bella stamps all over his heart and leaves town for ITALY. But this t-shirt made us laugh, a lot. For the Daddy Fetishist in us all.

After Bella and Edward rub nasty bits for their first time, Bella blacks out. She then wakes up and is all "why am I covered in feathers?" Edward's response was that he got so carried away (with the sex) that he bit a bunch of pillows. Bella remembers none of this. Wearing this quote on your body would be like me walking around town with a "Squeal Like A Pig" necklace. It's just weird, people.