Fade Out

"Rows of houses all bearing down on me. I can feel their blue hands touching me. All these things into position, all these things we'll one day swallow whole, and fade out again and fade out." - Radiohead

I don't know if you've noticed, but I used to wear my Steve Madden Seeri sandals a lot. I had them for 3 years, and they were my go-to sandal for Summer. Sadly, they bit the dust last week when the soles came detached from the bottoms. In the end, they succumbed to being out in the rain for 3 hours at an Andrew Bird concert. I spent all last week hunting down a new pair of sandals to take their place, and let me tell you, I'm not one of these people who gets joy out of searching for new shoes. In fact, I pretty much hate it. For some reason, I have a hard time finding shoes I like. I think it's because I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to footwear. I don't want any extra bells and whistles, and it never ceases to amaze me how hard it is to find shoes like that. I found plenty of sandals with snake skin, beads, studs, or feathers on them, but, strangely, plain brown sandals eluded me. Anyway, after hours of fruitless searching, I managed to find a pair that were to my liking, the Sam Edelman Gigi. The only problem I have with them is that my feet slide around on the foot bed. I'm not gonna lie, I have freakishly sweaty feet, and the supple foot bed on this shoe, though comfy, does not work well with the sweat. Still, they're the closet thing I could find to my beloved Seeri's, so I decided to keep them.

I've been in one of those weird, nostalgic moods again lately. First my shoes came apart, then Michael Phelps lost his first race in the Olympics, and then I started thinking about my little girl turning 5 and going into Kindergarten, and, well, I just became really melancholy. It's depressing to me how things change, and how everything just sort of fades out and is replaced by something else. I know it's the nature of life, and I know that a lot of times change is a good thing, but I still find it incredibly sad. I think that was and still is the hardest part of the separation for me, the mourning of my old life and my old self. Even though I wanted that change, it was sad. Given this, it's even more difficult to cope when change is forced upon me.

As always, I try to find the good in everything, but I don't know if there is any good to be found here. It just is. I'm reminded of a quote by Stanley Kubrick that says something to the effect that the universe isn't bad or good, it's just indifferent. It's a scary thought that we don't really matter in the world. Just like a bloom, we all have our time in the sun and then we fade away and are replaced by other blooms. This is why religion is so comforting to many. It gives people purpose and hope that they haven't existed for nothing. Even though, I've been surrounded by religion my entire life, I'm not a religious person. I don't want to go into specifics, but let's just say I have my issues with it. However, I have, on occasion, felt a presence in my life, guiding me and comforting me. I don't understand it, and I don't think I'm meant to, but it gives me hope. Hope that death is just another change we go through, and that when we fade out of this world, we fade into something different but still beautiful.

CONVERSATION

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comments:

they sell sandal inner soles that help that very problem. they have ones that are shorter, longer and sometimes preslit for a toe. You can always snip it if needed. CVS or any drugstore and pharmacy. They come in patterns too because you can "see them" i have leopard ones in all my sandals.

Gee, thanks Bonnie! Your existential crisis just fed the flames of my own current existential crisis! ... I am nothing but a fading bloom... another super thought to fill my worried mind as I lie down to sleep in a few minutes!!! (Seriously though, it must be in the air, because I've been in a major "What's the point of it all?!" funk the past week or so.)

In all seriousness, there is no sense looking back other than to learn a little bit as we move forward. Change is good, as is growth. I think when you are starting to feel melancholy like that, try to embrace the present. Look around you at the good in your life that is RIGHT NOW.

If that doesn't work, pour yourself a glass of wine. Cheers to the weekend!