From Joe Hockey to Lara Bingle: Six degrees of separation

Peter Munro

"Welcome to the age of opportunity," crowed Joe Hockey, while spilling cigar ash on the unemployed, elderly, sick and disabled, students, young people, families, filmmakers, the indigenous, petrol heads and public broadcasters. The Treasurer's first Budget was as horrifying to behold as Julie Bishop's new haircut. Few escaped scalping, among them school chaplains, businesses and ballerinas. Hockey celebrated ushering in the new age by sculling two beers and dancing a pre-Budget jig to the song Best Day Of My Life. Other ditties on the Treasurer's playlist include: Miserable Lie; She Works Hard For The Money; You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly; and Satan Gave Me A Taco.

2. POPE FRANCIS

Budget funding for school chaplains is sure to please Pope Francis, who has been busy building a broad church indeed. Declining numbers of the faithful have forced the Holy Father to launch a universe-wide recruitment drive, by promising to christen aliens from outer space. "If, for example, tomorrow an expedition of martians came ... Green, with that long nose and big ears," the Pope said, "And one says 'But I want to be baptised' ... Who are we to close doors?" Plans are afoot in Rome to also open the doors of the Catholic Church to animals, sports utility vehicles and soil. Homosexuals, stem-cell scientists and women priests need not apply.

3. GEOFF SHAW

Committed Christian and Independent MP Geoff Shaw has shown a novel understanding of the female reproductive system, by defending the rights of unborn "tummy eggs". The bearded maverick, who holds the balance of power in the Victorian Parliament, attracted international derision by announcing he wanted to tighten abortion laws, saying: "Here in Australia we can't kill snake eggs but we are quite happy to kill an egg in the tummy and it should be the safest place for a baby to be." Other safe places for eggs are thought to include the ovaries, uterus and the refrigerator. When asked how he had managed to have four children, Shaw mentioned something about a "lady's front bottom" before saying he needed to "go pee pee".

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4. CONCHITA WURST

Speaking of bearded, loud-mouthed men, Eurovision winner Conchita Wurst has been slapped down by homophobic Russian politicians. The Austrian drag queen's success with the song Rise Like The Phoenix prompted one MP to fret about gay propaganda and "spiritual decay". The Communist Party even proposed creating Russia's own version of the camp music contest, saying: "We cannot tolerate this endless madness." Wurst, who said her win was based on "tolerance, acceptance and love", has shot to the top of the iTunes chart in Russia, despite concerns from local politicians about such "blatant propaganda of homosexuality". President Vladimir Putin was too busy posing topless in military uniform for a men's calendar to comment.

5. SIMON COWELL

Talent show judge Simon Cowell has also lamented the decline of TV singing competitions. "There have just been a tonne of shows and something has simply gone awry," he said, echoing the views of many self-respecting viewers. Falling ratings for so-called reality shows such as The X Factor and The Voice prompted Cowell to question: "Who does better? The Voice judges or The Voice contestants? It's quite obvious the judges have sold a tonne more records." His criticisms were rejected by Voice judges Kylie Minogue, Ricky Martin and that guy from the KFC commercials. Minogue cited her involvement with the show as proof she was not doing very well at all.

6. LARA BINGLE

Reality TV shipwreck Lara Bingle has successfully pleaded ignorance to avoid jail for multiple driving offences. The model’s lawyer described his client as “somewhat unworldly”, saying her star status had left her incapable of performing basic tasks such as driving with a licence, writing her name or wearing pants. “She’s always had people do it for her,” he told the court, as the 27-year-old giggled in the dock. The magistrate fined Bingle but stopped short of sending her to prison because of the way she "contributed to the community” - including her work for those in dire need, such as bowel cancer patients, Australian tourism and Network Ten. Bingle is awaiting Joe Hockey's call.