Can You Really Say You’ve Run A Half Marathon If You Didn’t See A Dude Jack Off During It?

Some people put an age limit on shenanigans. The haters and losers out there will say that once you get around to your late twenties or early thirties, you need to strap on your big boy boots and put your wild and crazy times behind you. But Thomas “The Train” Pantuso is living that tomfoolery life 24/7, and God bless him for it.

55 years old going on 69, our boy Thomas found himself on the right side of local newsdom when he whipped out his dick and started jacking it while watching the Run the Reservoir Half Marathon in Emerson, New Jersey last weekend.

As runners approached what appears to be the one-mile mark, they were met by Pantuso. Reports from the Daily Voice and Pascack Daily said the man dropped his flannel pajama pants and began masturbating, haunting participants and spectators.

The Emerson Police Department later apprehended the man thanks to witnesses who identified Pantuso as the culprit. He was taken to a local hospital for evaluation.

First off, what a veteran move on Tommy boy’s part to show up wearing flannel pajama pants. This was clearly not his first public chicken choking session. You know he showed up to this half marathon already half masting, sporting a worn windbreaker up top and listening to Jock Jams on his iPod Shuffle to pump himself up. Certified pro shit. And then, right when Zombie Nation hit peak swell, Tom’s got his Johnson out and he’s shaking it all about like he’s doing the hokey pokey. That’s what it’s all about.

Thomas was over there living his best life, but fake news Runner’s World tells us that he was “haunting participants and spectators,” as if his peen were a demon clown and he was luring his victims into an underground sewer lair. Prudes – 1, Gentlemen and Scholars – 0.

So whether you’re mid-weeking or tailgating the college games this Saturday, pour one out for ol’ Thomas Pantuso. The tragic Dickarus who flew too close to the sun and got himself burned by the system. Rest In Power, my man.