Sunday, August 7, 2011

“Once upon a time…” Thus begins every beloved fairy tale, and they all end with “And they lived happily ever after.” I’m hoping that my re-telling of the Snow White fairy tale will do the same.

Granted, retelling old tales is not a new idea. Disney’s 1937 version of Snow White was actually the retelling of the Brothers Grimm tale which in turn was a retelling of the ancient fairy tale of the Sleeping Beauty. And even now I hear that the Mouse House is planning yet another live action remake of their own, the working title: “The Order of Seven.” Which sounds more like the remake of Lord of the Rings to me. In related Movieland news, rumor has it that Disney is also planning a re-do of “The Greatest Story Ever Told” with Moses cast as the most Historic American President. Butt I can’t confirm that.

So anyway, I figured if Hollywood is free to “re-imagine” original tales, maybe I can “re-image” one as well, since I have some extra time on my hands while we’re “waiting for paint to dry,” if you get my drift. And to be honest, I’d feel a lot better if I could pick up a few schekels here and there to drop in my piggybank. You know - just in case this debt ceiling/ratings drop mess turns into a full scale depression and government pensions are no longer the slam dunk of the slacker generation they once were.

Anyway, after doing a little research, I figured this fairy tale is right up my alley:

Magic Mirror:*blush* In the role of the magic mirror who’s unable to tell a lie - your humble civil servant, Moi!

“Prepare to be amazed beyond all expectations. After all it is what I do.”

The Evil Queen: played by Big Guy. I know, this role is generally a female lead, butt there are those who would argue that BO certainly acts regal, and others who would attest to his qualifications, as he’s played the role of a queen before (thanks, Granny Jan, for all the investigative reporting). Also, throughout history, Satan has been portrayed by both male and female characters.

He may not look evil, butt behind the mask lurks a heart of darkness

Snow White: played by America, the (formerly) preeminent democracy in the entire history of mankind. Sure, she’s aging a bit, butt name someone better for the lead character role.

America: it is “We the People”

The Seven Dwarfs: played in today’s performance by the Seven Freedoms: Speech, Thought, Religion, Assembly, Expression, Choice and Association. All of whom have been diminished in size by a powerful, evil force identified only as “liberalism,” butt who are working hard to regain their former stature.

The 7 Rays of Liberty: protecting the 7 Liberties on 7 Seas and 7 continents.

Prince Charming: TBA. Auditions are ongoing, butt at this time open only to Tea Party Members, as they are the only ones with the chops to play the part of of the official who can administer the kind of tough love Snow White/America needs to waken from her slumber (and please, no charges of racism because of America’s nom de plume; need I explain that this is an allegory?). This role, too, is non-gender specific, although I will mention that two of the leading contenders are female.

I know: It’s disappointing that Lady M doesn’t have one of the lead roles, she certainly was one of the early choices for the role of the Evil Queen butt Big Guy beat her out on the basis of his audition tapes fair and square. She is his under study however, in the event that Big Guy is unable to complete his commitment to the production for any reason.

Our tale opens as the Evil narcissistic Queen consults with his mirror:

Magic Mirror upon the Wall, who is the smartest and most articulate of all?

Every day the Queen would repeat this inquisition, and every day he would get the same satisfying answer.

Until one day last week, when his daily navel gazing and rhetorical questioning resulted in this undesirable response:

Magic Mirror upon the Wall, who is the smartest and most articulate of all?

to which the Magic Mirror, because she cannot lie, had to answer:

Alas, my liege of metal brain and tongue, you now strike the MSM as completely dumb.

Where once they fairly defined the term “lackey” they too now think you’ve gone a bit whacky.

Well, upon hearing that the Evil Queen flew into a rage. He assumed that Snow White, with her constant harping about how we were spending too much money, and taking on too much debt and sending all of the dwarfs jobs offshore, and taxing the citizens to death was the one who had removed his spell from the media.

He could not afford to have all of his lackeys waking up from their deep slumber, so he flew into action.

The Evil Queen summoned one of his crony capitalists and ordered them to disguise themselves as an impartial bond rater and poison Snow White’s debt rating with a concoction of political mumbo jumbo and Democratic talking points.

The poison coursed through Snow White’s veins, as she had willingly bit into the apple containing the poisonous credit rating. She instantly swooned, and fell into a deep sleep, temporarily allowing the Evil Queen to once again rule the world of public opinion with impunity.

To be continued...

Before I can finish my fractured fairy tale, I have to determine why Snow White willingly took that first bite out of the poison apple.

I know that after the elections last November the R-words caved on the continuing budget resolution, saying that they still had 2 more bites at the apple (presumably to decline it’s poison flesh). Butt then, the budget debate (2nd bite) didn’t happen because Harry Reid’s house refused to put one on the table to be declined, and then the debt ceiling (3rd bite) debate turned into a rodeo instead of a shootout when Boner called Big Guy’s bluff, even after he warned him not to.

Butt still: who would take a bite from an apple proffered up by a terrifying old hag with evil eyes and who cackles like a jackal?

I’ve got to sort through some more of this stuff before I can craft a happy ending. Otherwise I won’t be able to sell my script to Hollywood, let alone the Tea Party.

So, I’ll get back to you as soon as I figure a way out of this very vexing dilemma.

In the mean time, let’s hope that the 7 Liberties maintain their vigil over our slumbering Snow White: