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The Revered Room

As human beings, life has many critical decisions we must make. One such decision made for us our entire life is our need to use the bathroom. Because of this necessity, we have constructed sanctuaries for this most instinctual act where we may spend a few minutes a day performing such activities as: contemplating our being, calling our mom, dropping a mixtape, swiping on Tinder, writing this very article you are reading, etc. With researchers showing we spend on average a year and a half on the toilet in our lifetime, these activities can add up. Because of this large amount of time, it is important to spend it in the right environment.

Many factors make up the ideal bathroom, a location that is equivalent to the Fountain of Youth for us bathroom enthusiasts. Some may argue that making a system on which to base all bathrooms is completely subjective as people have different preferences, but I believe there are six factors that everyone looks for in a bathroom: smell, color scheme, layout, cleanliness, comfort and ambience.

Using these six factors, I used every bathroom on Notre Dame’s campus and discovered which were the best and worst on campus. To start off, every bathroom at Notre Dame immediately loses a few points when it comes to comfort because they all use the infamous one-ply toilet rolls that make sandpaper seem soft. I plead to you Notre Dame, hit up Charmin, get a sponsorship deal going and give the people what they want.

Starting with the worst: Rockne bathrooms. In terms of color scheme and floor layout, Schindler’s List seems more colorful. In terms of smell and cleanliness, there is not enough bleach in the world to cleanse them. The Rockne is hands down the worst and in terms of experience is about on par with getting an enema. Honorable mention goes to DeBartolo, which makes a Buc-ee’s Beaver Truck Stop look like a germaphobe’s dream.

Now for the Dolce & Gabbana Gold Rooms of Notre Dame bathrooms: the Main Building and the McKenna Conference Center. Winner of the 2002 Cintas’ America’s Best Restroom award, the Main Building highlights Stovax Victorian tile floors that are imported from Europe and refurbished original oak doors that are mounted to marble partitions. Mixed with 19th century lighting, this bathroom makes the whole experience one to remember. McKenna’s bathroom makes a strong first impression the second you walk in, with a pleasant smell of wildflowers and lavender that fills the room. The Versace Mansion doesn’t have porcelain thrones such as the ones found here.

I hope this article has been a helpful informational experience.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.