Exploring traditional male-led, DD, D/s relationships in a modern world. We believe in building on and within our core values of communication, reciprocity, grace and balance.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Want - VS - Need - VS - Deserve

Daddy and I are both great big honking poster children for spankos. It's something that we need in our lives. But we also have DD as part of our dynamic, and I know some people do not believe that you can correct someone who enjoys being spanked with a spanking. But I'm here to tell you that it works for us. I guess that you would have to consider the three basic kinds of spankings in our relationship. There are the kind I want, the kind we need, and the kind I deserve.

Want

These are those absolutely delicious, slow, long leisurely, intimate spankings that are..... well just really sexy. There is lots of touching, and rubbing, neck kissing, back kissing, delicious whispers of what is yet in store or that shiver-inducing, brain-melting "Mine" in my ear. Good girl spankings - yum! These usually dissolve into some beautiful soul-melding love making. Who doesn't want some of that?

Need

This is a funny one, and you notice I didn't say "I" need, I said "we". Daddy always says "They won't always be the kind of spankings that you like. But they will always be the kind that you need." Sounds rather like Daddy-double-speak, doesn't it? But it's not really. These spankings are long and firm. They likely end in tears, they're designed for emotional release. The very strange thing is, while I may not enjoy them in the process, I enjoy what they bring and I am grateful that we have that.

There are times when I am stressed and like everyone else, I act out, generally by beating myself up - which is against our rules. I'm supposed to stop myself before I say something negative about myself and try to think of something positive instead. There are times I am feeling just a bit distant, for whatever reason, and I need that pulling back.

What about that "we", June? Well, there are the ones that we need, just to reaffirm our roles, to center us and remind us of who we are and what our roles are. And because our relationship is built on reciprocity, there are times when Ward is stressed, and I will offer myself to him. I'm still not sure I can explain what he gets from it, but I know that he does he benefits from it as well, not just how it affects our dynamic and interaction, but from the physical act itself. If he is in a bad place, I can lay across his lap and I know that he will feel release. And because I love him, I try to meet his needs as fully as he does mine, it pleases me to be able to give him that.

Deserve

Oh good golly, this is the only one I seek to avoid with all my might. That's not saying that I will ever resist him, if I earn it I will accept it. For us, spankings for correction are effective. There is knowing that I have disappointed him, and that is worse than anything that could happen after. And while I don't want to deserve them, if I have done something that is detrimental to our relationship, this is what allows us to clear the air. So maybe correction spankings are really a hybrid deserve/need. If I transgress, I need to surrender to his correction to release the guilt. I think it would not work without a deep emotional connection.

In all of the different types, Daddy is loving and supportive and lets me know that he is proud that I submit myself to him. That makes it easier, I thrive on making him proud.

HIS POV:
I think June has done a great job highlighting the different forms of spanking in our relationship. June is such a good, sweet girl that we both usually have the desire and urge to share spanking in many different splendid forms. Her beautiful, sweet nature appeals to me both on a physical and intellectual level, and she makes it very easy for me to want to touch and caress, and yes spank her, on a very regular basis.

Sometimes what we want is not the same thing as what we need. We both try to go above and beyond in the facilitation of each other's needs. As good as it is, life is often quite stressful and I find that lady June is my anchor and my source of inspiration in the midst of a very hectic life.

Correction is something that does exist in our dynamic, but I would be remiss if I didn't share how wonderfully rare this is for us. She knows that I will always keep our relationship at the top of the list of my priorities, and when it is called for I think there is something nice about being able to clear the air, learn from our mistakes and grow stronger for it!

Daddy doesn't like the term punishment. And with him, it is different. Because of his demeanor - you aren't bad, you never are, your actions were but we're going to correct that - it is more of a tool that I can draw upon in a similar situation, it reminds me of his guidance.

But it is very much as you describe. If I have done something, I (gasp) self-report, how could I not? We have built our relationship on trust. I very much understand what you mean. It is the sense of - 'I've done this and I need absolution, please help me'. That's why I called it a hybrid. While my action/inattention may deserve correction, I need the release, forgiveness and fresh start implicit in the spanking.

You summed this up beautifully. Those are the categories we use as well.

"" If I transgress, I need to surrender to his correction to release the guilt. I think it would not work without a deep emotional connection.""

I LOVE this line- its is so true but really resonates in me. I think that I am harder on myself when I have that guilt of a large transgression. The spanking for me- the hard one to release the guilt is the only thing that does it for me an I agree that that connection is vital to the relaase.

Thank you so much, Mrs. Soft Bottom. We've both been pretty much life-long spankos. Before I met Ward I knew what I wanted, but was still exploring the context in which it could be available. I didn't know or understand much about DD and did some playing in the BDSM world. It didn't work for me. I need more.

Ward is my more. He calls to me on so many levels. There is an incredible intimacy in TTWD. It's that connection that nurtures it, and allows me to surrender so completely.

Ward is much more tolerant of me than I am of myself, lol. That is a work in progress, he would like for it not to be so.

Thanks, Susie. I was kind of surprised that the need category required more description. Sometimes I have a concept and don't know what I'm actually writing till I'm writing, so the progression surprises me.

I'm with Susie. This is a post I will show Alex. It sums it up for how we do it too so well.

There have been a few times where he has disappointed me and we have found that the release of a spanking has helped us both move past any feelings of hurt and stress we may have. A little backwards sounding but it works. We both get something from it like you said and like you we are both spankos.

The fact that he is willing to give me spankings that I "deserve" takes our dynamic to a different level and truly makes me feel loved in a way the others don't. I don't think we could incorporate discipline into it without great care and attention to each other and our relationship and if we merely spanked for fun I think it would be easy to maybe let that attention slide.

It is a lovely safe feeling knowing that he values our relationship enough to hold me accountable (he holds himself accountable as well, he truly does), and that he will take the time and attention to make sure we are open and honest and communicating. It doesn't sound backwards to me :)

I agree, there has to be uncommon communication and understanding, but if you look around those of us that do, we have that. It is just something that is natural to us. And that is so very awesome.