10 Things We’ve Already Forgotten Happened In 2012

Ah, the passage of time. It’s a wonderful slash terrible thing that simultaneously crawls like a snail when you’re waiting to get out of work on a hot summer day, and goes into hyperdrive . Which is how I got to the end of this year with a completely different life than I started it with, and still somehow feel like it flew by and I don’t remember a single thing. Except my New Years resolutions. I remember those real good on account of feeling guilty all year for never sticking to them. But aside from that, the year was kind of a blur. I know a lot of really important stuff happened, pop culturally, because I wrote it all down, but I just can’t put my finger on it. And because I’m hoping you’re all experiencing the same thing, and I’m not just getting old and senile (sob!), I’ve compiled a list of the Top 10 Things We’ve Already Forgotten Happened In 2012.

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1. The Summer Olympics. Remember those? We got flush with American spirit, glued to our TVs, and all obsessed with Ryan Lochte before we learned he only speaks swim. They only come but one every four years (or two if you still like Olympics even minus attractive swimmer bodies), but we’ve already left their memory in our dust.

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2. Amanda Bynes going crazy. I bet you forgot she wasn’t always a nutcase, but at the start of this year, Amanda was just your average run-of-the-mill retired child actor. And then suddenly she was bitch-slapping other cars with her car, talking to herself and potted plants at her local gym, and wandering around tanning salons in the nude. It’s been a big year for Bynesy-doodles.

3. The Republican Primaries. Remember back before we knew Barack Obama was gonna be El Presidente otra ves? And we used to get those big collections together of the craziest people in the Republican Party and let them squawk at each other? We had Newt Gingrich pulling for a colony on the moon, Herman Caine with Uzbeki-beki-beki-stan-stan, and Rick Santorum…just being Rick Santorum. Oh and Mitt Romney, remember him? I think I need a nap.

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4. One Direction arrived in the United States. They’ve already become so ubiquitous that we can hardly remember a world without them, but at the beginning of this year we were painfully ignorant of little floppy haired Harry Styles and the fact that we don’t know we’re beautiful.

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5. The TomKat divorce. Once upon a time, in early 2012, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were still a viable couple. There were no rumors of homosexuality, no negative press surrounding Scientology, and Katie wasn’t best friends with their daughter, Suri. Oh wait, all of those things existed, just TomKat was still married. Well, now they’re divorced, and it happened in 2012, so don’t get it twisted.

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6. Carly Rae Jepsen. She broke out of her Canadian box with the help of Justin Bieber and her summertime hit ‘Call Me Maybe’, which reached oversaturation in record time as we all bounced around to it at our picnics and beach parties. But since there are laws in America prohibiting such a bouncy, summery song from being played during the wintertime, it won’t be long before CRJ fades back into complete Canadian obscurity.

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7. The Kristen Stewart cheating fiasco. You guys! Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson broke UP this year! They did! And it was totally real and not at all fabricated to push ticket sales for the final Twilightmovie! A few short months ago Rupert Sanders and Liberty Ross were household names, but with the lovebirds back to peacefully cohabitating even after K-Stew’s very public and very REAL affair with her Snow White and the Huntsmandirector, they’re back to being nobodies again, just like Hollywood and the cruel gods of 2012 intended.

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8. Blue Ivy Carter was born. The world’s most famous baby came into being only this year, believe it or not. The magnificent progeny of Beyonce and Jay-Z took her first, expensive breaths of air on January 7th, 2012. Just think, before that moment, you never knew how jealous you could be of a human infant. Or how suspicious you could be of Beyonce’s pregnancy.

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9. Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth got engaged. In a time before crazy-short bleached blond haircuts, when we were still marveling over Liam in the newly-released Hunger Games…Liam and Miley got engaged. To be married. Yeah, Miley is 19, and yeah, Liam is hot and Australian and a movie star, and I’m oh-so jealous. I forgot all these details until right now, but all the same feelings are rushing back.

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10. Channing Tatum blew up. Channing is another one of those people who started this year very quietly going about his own business, doing some movies and then BAM! Magic Mikehappened and suddenly everyone wanted to see his clothes off all the time and name him Sexiest Man Alive and cast him in fourteen thousand movies this year and OHMYGODTHECOUNTRYISOBSESSED.

So yeah. This is our world now, but just remember it wasn’t always like that. 2012 will make you or break you, but you should still keep coming back for 2013. I hear it gets even better.

Nobody has FORGOTTEN KStew’s affair. Now that everybody knows the one interesting thing about her (she screws directors for roles), it’s basically the one joke told about her aside from “she can’t move her face.”

Also, nobody except Twilight fans and people on corporate Hollywood salaries believes that she and Robert Pattinson are a real couple, or that their conveniently-timed reunion was for real.