10 Things I Probably Wouldn’t Like If I Didn’t Love Marijuana

Maybe it is a gateway drug after all.

Wednesday 09/14/2016

by Lauren Maul

by Lauren Maul

Weed has been called “a gateway drug,” and I’m starting to think that it’s true. I don’t mean that it’s a gateway drug to other drugs, but rather a gateway to unique items and practices that only stoners can truly appreciate. Non-stoners may think we’re weird for having these tastes, but they’re just being boring/jealous.

Sure, you don’t have to be high to enjoy the things on this list...but it definitely helps. In the comments, let us know which of your favorite things Mary Jane introduced you to.

Skittles

When I’m not high, Skittles register on my palate as a nasty combination of food coloring and cavities. But when the clock turns 4:20 they turn into the delicious rainbow treat all stoners know and love. (I even eat the yellow ones, and I NEVER eat the yellows!)

Caftans

Wearing tight restrictive clothing is bad for your health—especially when you’re high. That’s why when caftans entered my life a few years ago I didn’t think, “What is this big weird sheet for my body?” I thought, “WHERE CAN I GET ONE OF THESE MAGICAL ROBES RIGHT NOWWWW???”

Statement Pieces

Before smoking weed on the regular, I was afraid of making bold fashion choices. “Oh, it’s not really the right time for this patchwork vest and jaunty scarf….” Those days are GONE. (See: caftans.) Some of my fave pieces are a shawl that’s 90 percent pom poms and a pair of shoes that are actually Care Bear faces. (I dress like an 11-year-old girl with a penchant for weed.)

Lisa Frank

Yes, everyone in grade school in the ’90s loved Lisa Frank. But it’s a unique stoner soul who still buys her stickers and puts them on everything even though they are in their 30s. (Anybody want a sticker of a cat chilling with a neon skeleton while riding a skateboard? Swapsies!)

Grease 2

When I was a child I was fortunate enough to see a VHS of Grease 2 before I saw Grease. So, as far as I’m concerned, it’s always been the greater of the Greases. In my adolescence I completely forgot about the film…until I started smoking weed. Then it became my favorite movie OF ALL TIME. Watching it high with my theater friends in my college dorm room made me realize that all the songs are actually the inner delusions of Michael Carrington, so it’s really a stark observation of outsider longing disguised as a comical musical sequel. (I told you we were high.)

Meditation

I’m a total spazz and it’s hard for me to sit still and allow my brain to be quiet. Enter Indica, my favorite meditation guru. I’ve been studying the art of meditation under her tutelage for a long time…. My favorite forms of meditation I learned from her are “day-dreaming” and “zoning out.”

Enya

This weirdo new-age witch is able to transport the listener to a magical land using haunting echos and spooky Celtic chants. My research shows that she lives in a castle with cats and composes music all day (probably while getting super high) which makes her not only a musical legend but a role model as well.

Healing Crystals

I used to laugh at “crystal people”—those silly folks who believe rocks are magical. And then I started smoking weed and I realized that crystals and stones ARE magical. (They’re like glitter in it’s elemental form!) I now have an extensive collection and I love swapping stones with fellow stoner witches. (Anybody want a fluorite? I’ll trade you for a garnet.)

Nature

Hiking is a rewarding experience, but hiking while high is a RELIGIOUS one. In the moment it may be hard to describe how beautiful nature is—not because you’re super baked but because it’s SOOOOO freakin’ pretty, you guys!

Yoga

I hate exercise and my worst nightmares involve gyms and PE classes. But yoga is different…. After I started consuming cannabis I realized that yoga isn’t like other exercises—it’s special! Doing yoga high while listening to your favorite trip-out music (see: Enya) can take you to another and better dimension. Can your Cross Fit class do that??? (Just kidding, don’t beat me up!)

Published on September 14, 2016

Lauren Maul

Lauren Maul lives in Brooklyn, where she creates stories, music, and shows (while vaping.) See what she’s up to at www.laurenmaul.org.