Are you having trouble coping with a relative? Do you need some love advice? Log on and ask Dennie Hughes, USA Weekend's advice and "relationtip" expert and contributing editor. Dennie's also available to take questions and comments on tough-to-confront issues, from in-law problems to how to "come out" to your family. Join in and get the scoop.

Comment from Dennie Hughes:
Hello, and welcome to this week's chat. I had a great time taping "Rendez-View" last week in L.A., and I hope all of you will tune in!
Let's begin...
virginia; washington :
what is going to happen to all the dead people that was killed by the september 11 event?

Dennie Hughes:
Unfortunately, many will never be found... others will have memorial services.... and hopefully, families who never receive any remains will be able to find a way to receive closure.Hartford,CT :
Hi. I'm a 44 year old divorced woman and am wildly attracted to a married man at work. It is getting harder every day to resist his advances. I always thought I was above this sort of thing. The longer this flirtation goes on the more I am thinking that as long as no one finds out, what would it hurt? Talk me out of it, quick!
Signed, Going through a dry spell in Hartford

Dennie Hughes:
First, ask yourself how you would feel if you found out that your husband just cheated on you... wouldn't you feel terribly hurt? Then, ask yourself, why would you want to be a contributor to that, particularly if this poor, innocent woman finds out? Next, be real with yourself -- if this guy is doing the heavy-duty advance thing, don't you think you are not the first woman he's done this to, and that you're dealing with a real loser? Do you want to chance that this guy tells others what he did with you, and ruins your rep at work? Finally, think of self-pride -- aren't you worth more than just a roll in the hay with some guy who doesn't care about women's feelings? Why end a dry spell with someone who just wants to use you? Okay -- if this hasn't changed your mind any..... I've tried!Kew Gardens, New York :
In-law problem.
Dennie,
A month ago my younger sister was killed in a moped accident in Cozumel. Her husband of one year was not harmed at all. I have trouble in my heart with his actions prior to her death (he cheated on her two months after their marriage, which was approximately 2week after their honeymoon) he was always selfish and somewhat cruel to her. Being her kind "school teacher" self that she was she trusted him with all her heart. It appears that there was no malace in her death, however, is there something I should do about him. What is the right way to be, ignor him forever as if he never existed.

Dennie Hughes:
If he makes you uncomfortable due to unresolved feelings.... then don't stay in contact. And, if you truly feel there's more to her death, please, I urge you, contact an investigator here in the states to help you find closure... I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.Madison, WI :
Hey Dennie, Just wanted to let you know your advice was right on. I'm the guy who was engaged to the woman who took advantage of me and made all the decisions in our relationship, like not sleeping together until we got married. Anyway, I lost my job about a month ago and she dumped me. At first it was hard, but with your advice and advice from others, I know in the long term I'm much better off without her. The problem I have now is that she refuses to talk to me. She has the engagement ring and my wedding ring, plus she owes me over a thousand dollars. She was running close to her limit on her charge cards so I let her use mine for some antiques and a refrigerator for her house. She also is storing a lot of her stuff at my house and I want it out of here. I've been calling her once a week for the past three weeks and asking her politley to please call me so we can settle these things, but she refuses to call me back. What should I do? Should I just go over there when I know she will be there? Do you think she should give me back the rings? I want to put closure on this relationship, but she's dragging it out. I think that's because she is really strapped financially.

Dennie Hughes:
I'm so sorry to hear that this woman was so horrible to you... here's the thing: this has just become a legal matter. If I were you, first, I'd contact local police that this woman is holding your stuff and that you'd like an escort to get it and file a report... then I'd contact a lawyer (or Judge Mathis!) and take her to court. I wish I could help you legally -- unfortunately, it's not my profession! Good luck, and please don't do anything rash or based on an emotional moment.Seattle :
Dennie, I sent a pretty lengthy follow-up to your web site on questions I had asked (and you had answered) in these chats. Never heard back. Do you check your site?

Dennie Hughes:
I do check it and due to the large amount of questions I get, it takes some time to get through 'em.... I apologize if it's taken too long....Austin, Texas :
How/what does a first time "mother-in-law" do when the other side of the family tells a lie about an issue that came up at the wedding. I have never lied to my son; and don't want to further the issue...but it hurts to have the negative influence coming from the bride/parents. I feel it only hurts the one you love (son in this case) if the issue is further discussed. I said it was time for a "time out/cooling off period." How do you think this bad start relationship can work. We live quite a distance away from them, so there is little ocassion to intermingle.
Thank you.

Dennie Hughes:
Since I don't know what the issue is, it's hard to gauge... however, if the issue is something your son presses you about, or one that makes you look bad in his eyes, I think I would write a letter explaining about it and send it.... that way, he can decide at his leisure how to deal with the information. Once you tell him, however, don't bring up the topic until he does... but you do owe truths to your son... just make sure that any truth is given in a very respectful way to his wife's family so that he doesn't think there's a sour grapes thing involved.Enfield, CT :
Dennie, I have been married for 8 years to a very athletic man. He plays softball in spring and summer, football in summer and fall, bowls during the winter and plays golf here and there inbetween. These events also involve a lot of time reminising about the game just played over a few beers afterward. He is also a volunteer firefighter which requires drill/practice once a week. Some how with all of this he works 40 hours a week and tries to go to the gym 2 to 3 times during the week. We just had our first child in April and his activities are keeping him away from his family 3 to 4 days a week and sometimes more. This is a battle we've been having for many years but I have never been able to get him to cut back. I would like him to be around more for us and especially now that we have a baby who's going to grow up so fast. Do you have any suggestions on how we could handle this without fighting year after year?

Dennie Hughes:
I only wish you two had the "baby is coming, how are you going to divvy up your time?" discussion before you started your new family! That said, you do need to make your husband aware that as much as you appreciate his sports needs, a baby changes everything and that you don't want your baby to grow up not knowing him.... a compromise needs to be in order, such as if he wants to play sports, the gym is not an extra luxury... according to psychologists in the marriage field, men have affairs with more than just people -- an affair is defined as "anyone -- or anything -- that takes more time and energy from you than you give to your partner." Your husband needs to put you and your child into the top priority zone -- if worse comes to worse, seeking the services of a marriage counselor to help you verbalize without getting angry may be in order.Germantown, MD :
A year ago my husband almost left me for a woman he met in an internet chat room. He changed his mind about leaving me and promised he wouldn't get on line into chat rooms and ease up on drinking and he hasn't kept either promise. Now an ex-wife from 20+ years ago has contacted him and it appears he is very interested in communicating with her. How would you feel if you were me. I am feeling angry, lonely and stuck.

Dennie Hughes:
This man who is causing you to feel angry, lonely and "stuck" isn't worth sticking too. It's very obvious that he's not interested in being married.... and most likely he's using you as his support system, draining your energy while he's drinking and carousing... if you don't have any kids between you, kick his behind to the curb. If you do, then please break-up and contact a lawyer to make sure you get the child support your children deserve. You deserve someone who makes you feel happy, fulfilled and ecstatic about life and love -- please know you have options, and get rid of him.Probably everywhere :
What's the opening line to your wife of 20 years about a more frequent and varied sex life? Everything I can think of sounds like I have seen too many videos or strip places (so I've seen a few) which I will be accused of as a reason for it?

Dennie Hughes:
Bring it up on a date night -- women really respond when they think that someone cares more about their brain than they do everything south of it... first, offer up the idea of implementing a date night for just the two of you so that she feels appreciated... then after a few dates, ask her if she'd like to try something a little new later, and bring up something that's not too scary.... see how she reacts.... I promise you, if she's not horrified, eventually she'll think about it... many women don't bring this kind of stuff up because they don't want to look like a sleaze in front of their cherished husbands.... good luck.Madison, WI :
I met a woman last Thursday. Because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable I didn't ask for her phone number. So I gave her my number. She hasn't called yet, however I really think she will. Is it good she didn't call the next day? How long should I hold out hope?

Dennie Hughes:
Wow -- what a reversal! Did you see "Swingers?" Usually, the guys has all the control in the calling thing, and they have this weird theory that women shouldn't be called the next day.... anyway, I digress.... next time, do ask for the digits, or an email address, so that you don't have to let the other side have all the power... and in this case, give her a week, then stop waiting. In the meantime, continue to meet and date... if she does call, it'll be a bonus, not a need thing.Los Angeles, CA :
How should you feel if your bf tells you that he wants to slow down and just be friends (get some space) because he doesn't feel there's a "friendship" foundation in the relationship. I'm sure he's not seeing anyone else and that his reasons are legit. We're still friends and still hang out, but no more of the bf/gf closeness.
I thought we were going the right speed, not too fast. I was starting to have feeling for him, but after only a few months of dating, I didn't want to push anything.
Can you really put the brakes on a relationship and then start it up again later?

Dennie Hughes:
I hate to tell you this but, what your boyfriend most likely did by telling you he wants to slow things down is let you down easy.... what exactly are his reasons anyway? He knew who he was and what he had on his plate when he met you... why is it that all of a sudden you don't fit into that lifestyle? If I were you, I'd consider this a breakup, and move on.... stay "friends" if you want to, but make sure he knows you've moved on... trust me, if he is playing games or really, deep down wanted you, he'll change his mind and ask you to do the same....Biddeford, Maine :
How do I explain to my 9 year old daughter that killing men, woman and children half way around the world is o.k. since they did it to us on Sept. 11? It is a very unfair position for a parent to be put into since it you KNOW that it's not just military personal that will perish!

Dennie Hughes:
It's pretty horrible -- there's that Christian (or other religious) side of you that knows killing is wrong, and then there's that human side that wants to flatten someone and make their country a parking lot as revenge for what they did to us.... perhaps this type of comparison may be a good thing to use to talk to your child about this.... let her know that on a personal level, we should strive to talk through problems.... and that on a national front, that when we vote in a government, we are voting in a group that's supposed to make decisions to protect us, and we need to go along with it.... it won't be easy, and probably the best thing to do is to let her ask the questions, and you answer as honestly as possible, using this time to reestablish your own family's morals and values....Comment from Dennie Hughes:
I've been getting a lot of mail from fabulous females out there who are absolutely aggravated about my advice to a newlywed woman that there's nothing wrong with her husband having a few "boys night out" evenings ... please keep your eye on an upcoming column that addresses that response!
Atlanta, GA :
if an affair is defined as "anyone -- or anything -- that takes more time and energy from you than you give to your partner." then I've gotta kick my kids out of the house. How do I get my wife to spend more time on me without seeming to be a bad dad.

Dennie Hughes:
Loved your response!
Monitor the time she spends with the kids, and the time she spends with you, and write it all down... then, present the facts to her in a kind way, letting her know that you miss her, and love her, and wish you two could spend more time together doing husband-wife things.... before you do this, however, ask yourself "do I help enough with the kids so that she does have some time to spend with me?" Be honest about that!Comment from Dennie Hughes:
The Council on Family Health is now offering free copies of "The Babysitter Center" (a magnetized, dry-erase poster with basic first-aid tips and space to write down local emergency numbers) for parents nationwide -- it's really cool looking, and it stick to your refrigerator, and I absolutely recommend every parent gets one.... send a self-addressed, stamped 9x12 envelope with 80 cents postage to: Council on Family Health, "Babysitter Center," PMB 422, 1155 Connecticut Avenue, NW, Suite 400, Washington, DC 20036. Check out www.cfhinfo.org for more info!
Comment from Dennie Hughes:
As we wind down, I'd like to say thanks to all of you who came by, and encourage all of you to come back and let me know if my advice has been helpful.... please feel free to check out my column archives at www.usaweekend.com, or visit my website at www.denniehughes.com...
In the meantime, I'd like to tell the NY Yankees -- "Guys... you gave it your all. Even though you were not this year's 'BEST' team, you were the best you could be, and that's all anyone could ask for...." I'm still sporting my rhinestone-studded Yankee cap, and will continue to!
Comment from Dennie Hughes:
To all of you... take care, God bless, see you (and your referrals!) next Monday!