Too Many Flavors

Is online dating decreasing the chances for a happy marriage?

I like ice cream – a lot. There is almost no flavor I don’t like. I even found basil infused ice cream to be delicious. Put me in a room with 50 tubs of ice cream and a box of little spoons, I’d probably taste all 50 of them. I might bust a button or two on my shirt, but no one really gets hurt.

But what if instead of ice cream flavors we were dealing with people? What if Bob was single and dating, and he was put in a room with 50 women, and was told that he could date all of them? Would he have a problem committing to any of them? Would he be tempted to date many of them, and drop any one as soon as any challenges arise, knowing that he has 49 other options?

What if Bob was told he could date 500 or 5,000 different women who were all on his laptop sprinkled over a dozen different dating websites? What if Bob would get emails from all of those websites with smiling happy pictures of hundreds of “matches” even after he deactivated his profile because he was dating someone? Would that help him stay committed to his relationship after he and his girlfriend get into a serious argument? Suddenly I’m not so sure that no one gets hurt…

In an extensively researched new book, Love in the Time of Algorithms by Dan Slater, the rise of internet dating is chronicled and the myriad effects studied carefully. The consensus of the research, the polling, and the dating experts is that the rise of online dating will mean an overall decrease in commitment. Internet dating makes people more disposable.

Internet dating makes people more disposable.

The owners of dating sites are thrilled; they don’t make money off of happily married people. Dan Winchester, the owner of a British dating website muses, “I often wonder whether matching you up with great people is getting so efficient, and the process so enjoyable, that marriage will become obsolete.” Greg Blatt, the CEO of Match.com’s parent company, takes another tack, “Historically relationships have been billed as ‘hard’ because, historically, commitment has been the goal. You could say online dating is simply changing people’s ideas about whether commitment itself is a life value.”

The stats seem to agree with those opinions, only 51% of adults in the US are married today, down from 72% in 1960, and the median age of first marriage is higher than it has ever been at 26.5 for women and 28.7 for men, up from a respective 20.3 and 22.8. The number of people getting married in the US has dropped each year for the past five years, despite a growth in the overall population. (Not surprisingly, the fertility rate in the US is at its lowest since 1920, and now is at 1.9, well below the 2.1 rate which is the replacement rate.)

All the challenges to the institution of marriage might be worth it if it meant that the single people who have thousands of dating options at their fingertips were happier for all their freedom and choice. But that seems not to be the case. When there are so many alternatives, people don’t invest in their relationships and thus find much less meaning and satisfaction in them.

The expanded field of choices also creates an expanded sense of doubt.

According to Dan Slater, the expanded field of choices also creates an expanded sense of doubt; they may have made the wrong choice and the best option is still out there. In a recent study, subjects who selected a chocolate from an array of six options believed it tasted better than those who selected the same chocolate from an array of 30. Not only are people missing out on the meaningful relationships that result from hard work, they are also constantly plagued by the doubt that they are missing out on much better choices.

Slater also reports that scientist have found that when people are given an enormous subset to choose from, they become “cognitively overwhelmed,” and “deal with the overload by adopting lazy comparison strategies and examining fewer cues. As a result, they are more likely to make careless decisions than they would be if they had fewer options, and this potentially leads to less compatible matches.”

There are a number of positive dating lessons we can derive from all this.

Live in the moment. When dating someone, we need to zero in on the person we are dating and not allow ourselves to compare the real person we are dating to the phantom people we could be dating. No one is perfect, but most people work hard to create a perfect looking profile. Our real human dates can’t match up to “perfect” prospects. Enjoying the person we date depends on staying away from dating sites, and opening emails containing prospective dates. (In general it’s a good idea to stay away from predatory dating websites that try to lure people that have deactivated their accounts back to the site by emailing them fresh profiles.)

Love the challenge. It is inevitable that when people go from living “me” to “we” challenges will arise. But the more we work on the issues, the more we learn when to compromise and when to stand firm, the more we go through the process of working out the wrinkles that rise up in the relationship, the deeper our appreciation for the other person will be, and the greater meaning we will find in the relationships. Anyone can enjoy a relationship in the smooth sailing phase, but great relationships are built by people who welcome the bumpy roads as well.

Our Sages teach us, “According to the effort is the reward.” This applies to dating as well, and the rewarding relationships are those that we put real effort into working on. Love the challenge because it is the road to rewarding relationships.

Choose carefully. In a world where there are so many options, it is easy to enter into relationships with only a low level of compatibility based on simplistic factors and external considerations. But if we set the criteria we are looking for ahead of time, and only enter into relationships with people who meet our preset criteria, we are bound to have fewer relationships, but deeper ones.

Commitment is a life value. Dating lots of people may be fun at first, but it is ultimately tiring and jading. The joys of marriage and family come from the feeling of being part of something where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. No amount of choices can trump the satisfaction of choosing and building. Studies show that married people are happier, save more money, are less likely to be depressed, obese or experience frequent headaches, but all of that is just the icing on the cake. The real reason that commitment is a life value is that it is the ultimate act of giving; you are giving yourself to another person. And as we know, the more you give, the more you get.

Internet dating may have changed the dating world forever, but how it changes our lives is in our hands. As in all areas of life, we need to be savvy consumers. When we properly educate ourselves about the internet dating world, and tailor our choices carefully, we can reap the benefits of internet dating while avoiding the pitfalls. For the conscious consumer, the world wide web may just be the portal of love we are all searching for.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Leiby Burnham, CSW, is a rabbi, psychotherapist, and writer. He lives in Detroit with his wife, an ICU nurse, who is on strict orders to "leave her patients at work" and their three daughters, Orah, Shifra and Rachel. Rabbi Burnham works for the Jean and Theodore Weiss Partners in Torah program of Yeshiva Beth Yehudah, where he does community outreach, and runs a Jewish educational programs at University of Michigan, Wayne State, and Oakland University. He taught learning-disabled high school students for eight years in NYC, while receiving Rabbinical training at Shor Yoshuv Institute, and obtaining his Masters in Social Work from Yeshiva University.

Visitor Comments: 35

Anything can be abused. If you are marriage minded it is just another venue for meeting a spouse.

Anonymous,
November 10, 2013 3:11 PM

As did two of mine

As did two of my friends as well-they both met their husbands on Frumster

(26)
MBD,
March 31, 2013 3:19 PM

What about the economy and picky women?

Let's look at other facts which would drive the marriage % down before blaming it ALL on internet dating.

(25)
S Kaufman,
March 22, 2013 3:23 PM

Met my wife Online

I am forever grateful for online dating as I met my wife on a dating site- just have to keep your eye on the ball once you meet someone you think you can spend the rest of your life with...

(24)
Roch,
March 8, 2013 7:07 PM

Alternative?

This article is very well written and informative. However, what you suggest as an alternative to online websites?

(23)
Pesach,
March 8, 2013 9:50 AM

Online dating can be good

Online dating can be a good thing. I'm still single but I got two dates locally out of it. One for two evenings one for two months. I belive I would get more if I was in an area that had more young ladies represented on the site.Which brings me to the issue of distance. It can be one for the newcomer to deal with at some time. From my experience - initial online communication should be followed up soon after with a face-to-face meeting. If you really like the girl - buy a ticket. Even skype and numerous emails are no substitute for 1hr of tea for 2.I also find distance helps me to filter the great profile from the exceptional. So in a way I see it as a blessing.

ezibel,
June 2, 2013 12:33 PM

i think you are right

l also met my soul mate through one of the online dating site. and through communication l develop some interest important him and he personal bought me a ticket to meet him in Australia. l went there and it was successful we got married for good five years l just lost him by cancer. so l think the online dating is perfect

(22)
Heather,
March 6, 2013 8:26 PM

Infrastructure as well

Many years ago (think 1800-1940) people lived, worked, and had families in one general area. People met their partners at local events like socials, dances, and dinner parties. It was odd for a person to marry someone from afar as no one really traveled more than one or two towns away. Now with travel so convenient and relatively inexpensive, men and women see dating opportunities everywhere. In my opinion, I feel that people chose what was best for them from a small group of local people and the average person was satisfied with that arrangement. Now, people feel as if the next person s/he meets may be the one and that if s/he just keeps looking s/he will find something better or more appropriate. It is the idea of a better option that exists everywhere (online, at work, at schools, on vacation) that keep people looking. Not just the Internet.

(21)
Anonymous,
March 6, 2013 10:52 AM

I beg to differ

I met my loveable hubby via online dating and it worked out perfectly for us. Yes I encountered a few creepers along the way but the end result was rewarding. I wouldn't have done things differently. Simply put, no dating method is perfect. Even the shidduch system has many flaws. I believe that parental interference is the main contributing factor to the "singles crisis" we face here. How does being 18 years old make you eligible for marriage if you have people deciding who you should marry? If we as adults feel mature enough to get married, then why are we allowing our parents, mentors, and community leaders determine our suitors for us? Are we incapable of making decisions for ourselves? I know of numerous matches have been nixed because of parental interference. A lot of divorces have also resulted from parents meddling into their childrens marriages.
While people can lie about their personal information online, they can do the very same at events and on shidduch dates. Several people I know met their spouses via shidduchim only to find out that they had a mental disorder of some kind or were drug addicts/alcoholics after they were married. Heck, someone I met at a singles event was audacious enough to admit to me that he was bipolar. That date never happened. It all boils down to parents who are so desperate to get their children a shidduch that they will go so far as to omit any information pertaining to their childrens mental and physical health. Its unfortunate that it has come to that.

(20)
L.S.,
March 4, 2013 6:15 PM

Perhaps, but...

There are winners and losers everywhere. I went on frumster a while ago and looked through 13 pages--yes, pages--of profiles, most of whom were complete losers, a combination of dropped out of high school, multiple divorces, unattractive, etc. Then, on the last page, I found ONE profile that I liked and that ONE guy turned out to be a gem, a truly lovely person in all ways. I'm not sure if we will get married or not but in the meantime he is helping me with a business venture and even for that, it was meant to be.

Avi,
March 22, 2013 8:33 PM

Pot calling the kettle black?

To L.S. How can anyone call another a 'loser"? I am shocked that on a site like Aish, there are people who flippantly sum up a person's entire life as a loser? Who are you to judge?
I believe that the only "loser" is someone who uses that word to describe others. That good guy is probably too good for you unless you improve your perspective.

(19)
Anonymous,
March 4, 2013 1:00 AM

For me online dating was like looking at the candy store seeing all different candies but door to store is locked.
I spent 5 years between 2003-2007 online and got only 1 date and honestly that date should never happened.
I do not smoke, drink or do drugs. Go figure out.

(18)
Cécile,
March 1, 2013 3:24 PM

Sadly, this is all so true

Anyone who thinks online dating hasn't made it more difficult, if not impossible, to meet someone who values working on building and nurturing a meaningful relationship hasn't experienced online dating. When a guy I was dating, with whom I got along superbly by his own admission, told me that online dating is like "a candy store that never closes" and "of course men always think there's someone better out there, isn't there?", it chipped away a little more at my already bruised self-esteem from too many dates who treated me like the disposable commodity that online dating made me become. Worst initiative ever to join online dating. Best decision ever to get out.

(17)
Rachel,
February 27, 2013 7:37 PM

Not long ago I was at a singles party held by a new group in the city. It caters to young single Jews, and leans towards Orthodox, and is run by Chabad. Mindful that it would be a more conservative crowd, I chose a more conservative dress that covered more skin. There were a several women who showed in skirts that barely made it half way down their thighs. The men flocked to them like bees to honey. Frankly, I don't own a single thing (to be worn in public) that shows that much skin. I'm a somewhat modest woman, and I will never ever be able to compete against women like that.
After that experience, I swore that it was the last time I would go to an event like that. It's a waste of time, effort, and hope. I stick to online dating now since as least online I feel like I'm not standing next to a woman who's showing it all, and getting all of the attention for it.

Mrs. R.,
February 27, 2013 9:35 PM

A suggestion

I have a feeling you are a sweet so please allow me to make a suggestion. But first I want to tell you how I would have felt if I were you because I think I would have dresses as you did also. When I went into the party I would have felt miserable as I saw all the men flock to the other girls AND IT WOULD HAVE SHOWN ON MY FACE, IN MY ACTIONS and just about consumed me. So feeling very miserable I doubt if would shine very favorably to all those fellas.So here is what I suggest: The next time there is an occasion like this call ahead and see if you can help. Perhaps you can help with the setting up, or with food preparation...etc. Anything to help you find your place. If you are comfortable serving you will not be as shaken by the other women and perhaps the guy with a good heart will notice.....but that is not what it is all about really. Find a way to serve and you will be content with your lot.........your thoughts?

(16)
Anonymous,
February 27, 2013 10:30 AM

happily married to the first man I met on an internet site b"H

I must say that as previous commentators stated, the players are everywhere- in the old-fashioned Shidduch system, online, etc.
I dated for years and some of my best dates were via Jewish dating websites- the one I finally found my husband on was the kind I was most apprehensive about- more of an independent site, no match-makers in sight- you see someone you like the look of, like the sound of and chat. are there players on it? probably. are there wonderful men out there too? definitely. the answer? pray, pray and pray. and pick yourself up and try as many avenues as possible- G-d helps those who help themselves...we should all merit to find our other halves!

(15)
chava,
February 26, 2013 8:36 PM

Society has changed, values have changed

The statistics cited comparing 1960 with today show a change in values more than anything else. In 1960, women wanted to marry & have a family. A career was a possibility, but not an urgent one. Today a woman wants a career, a husband, and a family. Society mirrored this. There are many more single women today than fifty years ago. The joke back then was that women went to college to get an MRS degree. Men also felt marriage was a priority. Today, life is different. Many look at marriage as a part of their life, no different than a job or promotion at work. It's nice, but if it doesn't suit me, I'll find a different one. And society doesn't frown on that.

(14)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 6:34 AM

"I met four of my wives on that dating site...."

...was a man's reply when I said I do not believe the sites really work. I also knew he had been married at least once before the advent of dating sites and I know he has been married at least once since that conversation two years ago. The sites cannot work for a number of reasons also stated in this well written article. Serious-about-marriage daters would sooner or later figure out that a successful marriage does not depend on perifferal things like height, eye color, or body mass. I know more than 20 singels, male and female. They all seem to be looking for a "face-book-picture-perfect" type relationship. No one posts their worst moments on fb, only highlights of their life. And they all suffer from a "perhaps there is someone more PERFECT" for me" syndrome. Don't ask G-d for something that doesn't exist. There simply is no perfect man or woman alive today....and if there were...they would want someone perfect too! The sites ruin it. It is a money making business - case and point that they would rather get the monthly subscription from a man with police record had two women land up in batterd women's shelters, rather than cancel his subscription - and this is a frum orthodox Jewish dating site that makes millions. Rabbis should speak out against such businesses. They only are a mining field for predators and prevent real and lasting marriages from taking place. I cant help but wonder how many marriages from dating sites are still going after even ten years.

Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 9:38 AM

Disagree

I feel you but what you don't seem to realize is that it isn't most Internet guys that are commitment phobes.. It's most guys in this day and age. I finally met one of the few (Jewish site) and we are now happily married. I almost didn't give him a chance. Glad I stayed positive and did. He is a good man, wonderful husband and best friend.

(13)
Anonymous,
February 25, 2013 7:51 PM

Funny...

I have the same concerns about shidduch dating. With an infinite number of possible names arising from consultation with money-baited matchmakers, young adults are very distracted by the "maybe I can do better" mentality while dating. Dating and marriage are in a state of crisis, just like almost everything else in modern society. No short-cuts or quick-fixes; just try our best, be sincere, and pray like crazy.

(12)
Yael,
February 25, 2013 3:51 PM

Online Vs Single Scene Dating

These issues also exist when people have multiple opposite sex friendships. These friendships keep us busy and offer a sense of relationship gratification. Opposite sex friends offer a variety of quality personality attributes that summate to a level of fulfillment and distraction that quite frankly doesn’t leave the single alone enough to consider a realistic compromise in a dating prospect. The fact is when we keep opposite sex friends we are comforting ourselves in our loneliness. We experience the best of each of our opposite sex friends without the work of a real relationship. These convenient friendships satisfy our needs, one guy for a movie, a different guy for a shabbos meal. One woman for an intellectual connection and another for a spiritual one. One guy for his humor and making you feel understood, and another for his charisma. One woman for her compassion and another for helping you with something. Each opposite sex platonic friend combines for a composite sense of companionship that distracts us from focusing on The One Human Being Who Doesn’t Have It All. When we refrain from feeding each other with our companionship, in that real aloneness, we hunger and search more earnestly for a Real One and Only. When we are free from the comfort of the Many opposite sex friendships we will more strongly seek the comfort of One. The ability to compromise when another doesn’t meet all of our needs is clouded when friends do that for us. Find a same sex friend to support you and do things with. You will then lack the satisfaction of an opposite sex encounter. The “innocent” giving and receiving from our “he is like a brother” and “she is like a sister” friendships is gratifying multiplied across a large single scene and nets out to one very large distraction. Remember, You are being a companion to someone else’s beshert, and your beshert is being fed by someone else who just regards him or her as a friend.

Abigail,
February 26, 2013 9:41 AM

very well put and insightful comment

Unfortunately it seems many are put off by the hard work that goes into finding an appropriate mate and instead opt for those relationships that offer immediate (and short-lived) emotional gratification.

(11)
Anonymous,
February 25, 2013 11:21 AM

a tool to be used or misused

if one wants to be a player it's much easier with internet dating but if one seeks marriage internet dating is also a great tool.One needs to know how to use it for what one wants as both seem easily accessible. if marriage get references from reliable rabbis and teachers,etc .
first before meeting after speaking and emailing.those not serious re marriage will quit then. If just looking for fun times then no need to do checking first
problems arise when one is looking fro marriage and the other not OK either way or is for sure not

(10)
oteikwu amodu cletus,
February 25, 2013 10:27 AM

computer dating is good

In computer dating you have a lot to choose from a given number that matches your interest. Today, many marriages are products of computer dating, however, there should be commitment in the relationship for it to survive

(9)
Rachel,
February 24, 2013 11:13 PM

Not sure how online dating is different from college dating years ago

I attended college in the early 80's at a huge state university in New York. There were some 16,000 undergrads, as well as grad students, staff, and faculty. That meant probably about 10,000 unattached members of the opposite sex.
Yet with all those options, I can count on my fingers the number of men that I dated. And one of them became my husband and we've lived (mostly) happily ever after for 30 years. So ultimately, I think it really comes down to the level of commitment of the parties.

Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 3:24 AM

Reality

Rachel, you are lucky not to know the difference. Unfortunately, after being back in the dating scene after a divorce, along with both female and male friends in the same boat, the difference between then and now with the online dating, is staggering and completely different from the college scene. The mindset is "what else is out there.". The article describes the situation perfectly.

(8)
Anonymous,
February 24, 2013 9:59 PM

Rabbi doesn't understand internet dating.

Internet dating is simply a more efficient way of meeting people one might! want to date. You don't have a "relationship" with the person just because the computer suggests there is a possible match. Once an introduction is accomplished, the same values and code of conduct apply. Whether or not there are more compatible people out there applies to all couples. In most cases there probably is more than one match. The computer just does it better than Yenta the match maker.

Pinchas,
February 25, 2013 4:27 PM

Well,if Rabbi dosen't then who does?

My life was full of challenge and I do see his point
there are always exceptional but look out and see his point by yourself

(7)
Pinchas,
February 24, 2013 7:46 PM

incredible

I learned where and whom to invest and where not to

(6)
Judy,
February 24, 2013 7:05 PM

respectfully disagree

As a woman who was fortunate enough to meet a wonderful man online, I believe that internet dating offers success to those who approach it seriously. Yes, I met and dated plenty of players who were interested in sampling the various "flavors" in the chocolate box, but I also met men who were serious about finding a partner for the rest of their lives. One of those is my husband and I am very grateful thst G-d used the internet as a tool to bring us together. Even the bad dates were useful in helping me hone in on precisely what I wanted (and didn't want) and exercises like writing my profile gave me insights into what I really wanted-from my mate, from myself and from this journey called life.

(5)
Anonymous,
February 24, 2013 5:10 PM

in the Yeshiva dating system with resumes

the boys have too many choices also. they have lists and lists of names and the girls have to wait till the boy decides if he would like to go. the system is broken there too! and the older boys still go for the older girls so a girl who is 23 is already over the hill. we have to stop the madness

(4)
Chaya Rubens,
February 24, 2013 4:52 PM

Spot on!

Being in this position of trying to find my other half this is very true and it always crosses ones mind if this one doesn't work out there will always be the next one but one really has to take hold of themselves and work on oneself if they want to achieve the ultimate goal of building a Bayis Neeman Beyisroel I guess it's back to the same story of online negativity and external poor forces which are gradually destroying Am Yisroel we must NOT let this happen and remain focused on our ultimate goal!

(3)
Anonymous,
February 24, 2013 4:23 PM

Senior Dating

I have found 99% of senior woman have lied about their ages and used pictures that are up to 40 years old.Sad state of affairs.

(2)
Anonymous,
February 24, 2013 4:15 PM

socialworker222@aol.com

This is so true we keep moving trying to find another starting all over. Training each new person to be the one we left crazy!!!

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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