Author: cherished79

Mental Health Advocate for mental illness stigma. I started my "Living in Stigma" blog in 2007 with the purpose and hope of educating people about mental illness and also connect with those struggling with depression, PTSD, chronic pain and invisible illnesses. I am a chronic migraine sufferer myself, as well as, a sexual and emotional abuse survivor. Writer, poet, quotes. A survivor and a warrior.

I’m married to a wonderful man who has been my rock and encouragement throughout those days when I didn’t believe in myself, nevertheless, he believed in me. I’m also delighted that I’m a working mother of two children (‘superheroes’), as the joy I see in their faces every day provides me with every reason, now realizing how past abusive years has an enormous impact on your life.

Writing is cathartic for me, and I’m using my healing journey to perhaps healing others. “This is My Silence” is my first blog, and here is my story.

Typing and deleting, typing and deleting. As I am sitting on my couch, I’ve come to a realization that this is now my second draft and remain struggling with a conundrum. It’s challenging to write about your journey, even though you may have memories floating around inside your head, writing them down on paper (computer) is difficult.

So, Where is my beginning?

I lay my jars of memories around me and search, and peering into each jar I take a moment to remind myself to breathe for a moment after each one. As I continue my search, slowly opening and closing each jar, I come to a standstill, noticing that every single one of these memories speaks my story, but only one conveys the beginning of my life. So I will begin like this:

Like this:

(I’m reposting this article from last year, as it was edited and updated)

“Deb, we talk about your weight almost every day and you’re still not losing any. You are just not listening to us. Just remember, if you ever want a boyfriend or get married then lose the weight.” OR

“Deb, I don’t have time to read your “1st Prize” essay right now, I’ll read it later, I’m busy with my knitting and then I have to make supper. Just go and read a book or something”.

Other cruel communications were endless during my childhood, getting to the point where the words went in one ear and out the other ear or I disassociated.

Those words continue to sting until this very day, for I lived in a household with toxic parents, and I’m the unloved daughter of a narcissistic mother. I blame her for the viciousness, lack of empathy and relentless criticisms. Growing up was hell, and she accomplished that.

This well-written article below is from Gerald Schoenewolf, Ph.D. onNarcissistic Parents from PsychCentral.com/Psychoanalysis Now (blog)

Over the years I have often been asked what is the most harmful thing a parent can do to a child. There are many harmful things a parent can do, too many to point out. It is easier to focus on the kind of parent that does the most harm.

The most harmful parents are the parents who have a narcissistic need to think of themselves as great parents. Because of this need, they are unable to look at their parenting in an objective way. And they are unable to hear their children’s complaints about their parenting.

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I was a fraud, a nomad, wandering through the medical waste lands. There was no physically evidence of bruising, breaks, bulges of bone or muscle or discs. Everything was set in place… Mostly, as it should, but the pain, there was physical pain… Warm burning, sharp stabbing, dull aching pains in most places, places I didn’t even know you could feel pain, like the tip of your ear or behind an eye. The pain was very real, although completely invisible to the naked eye, felt only by me and seen by none. So I found myself in this strange state, outwardly I looked fine… healthy even… but my reality was juxtaposed with that.

What is a Narcopath?

Above and beyond traditional definitions for what the Baby Boomers and WWII Generation grew up calling a “Megalomaniac” is a new definition of a public figure as well. A new classification of “Narcopath” has also emerged to define a “Narcissistic Sociopath” separately identifiable from the terms “Dark Triad” or “Malignant Narcissist”.

Understanding Narcopathy is an emergent academic research discipline evolving in part due to the widespread epidemic of NPD and ASPD sweeping not only across the United States but also globally. Considered emotional terrorists, Narcopaths typically take great pleasure in being in positions of power — places they should never be due to their inability to reign in capricious greed.

Because they are oftentimes temperamental, reckless, and red-faced, when they attain positions of power, they cannot seem to resist the urge to behave selfishly. Frighteningly predictable, they are unable to control their own impulses to behave in ways that do nothing but promote fear or discord in their own lives.

As a result, the people who know them best tend to dread having to spend time around them. Why? Because no one who is not masochistic seldom enjoys being lied to, brutalized, dressed down with zero input of constructive criticism, manipulated, taunted, ridiculed, laughed at, or antagonized.

Like small children or petulant teenagers behaving with an unjustified and/or illegal sense of entitlement, the Narcopath cannot resist the urge to make malevolent mischief no matter what the day or situation.

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I remember the day I realized that I was in an abusive marriage. I called my mom, who lived 800 miles away blurting out my abuse and fear. I will also never forget how she responded. Mom expressed her opinions and words, and it was if blinders were removed from my eyes.

That was the day I recognized that my husband was violent and things weren’t about to change.

The Beginning

When I was in my first marriage, I was very young. I was 20 when we were married, and I had been with him since I was 17. Needless to say, I was hell-bent on making it work, because I was “an adult now” and that’s what “adults” did. They kept their promises, paid their bills and took care of their responsibilities. Except when they don’t things begin to change.

Soon after getting married, my ex-husband slowly started to show his true colors. Long story short, he was emotionally and verbally abusive, manipulated our finances, was addicted to pornography and video games, had drinking problems, and he had an affair outside of our marriage.

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Ok, so here’s the story:

A women-only spa in Toronto, Ontario, Canada took some massive criticism and triggered a social-media outcry last week, that prohibits some transgender women from using their facilities.

On Facebook, a woman stated that she refused to revisit the spa on account that they canceled her friend’s (who is transgender) appointment due to their spa’s policy which states “no male genitals” rule.

The spa explained, “because we are a bathing-suit-optional environment, our current policy is to ensure all clients are comfortable in an environment with nudity, including minors.”

The backlash was extreme from the public, transgender and LGBTQ communities. However, the spa further clarified that it’s a ‘single-sex facility with full nudity, and unlike other facilities.’ They stated they supported these communities, but the spa has policies to adhere to.

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This describes me. As a person with PTSD, I always feel “on guard”, and automatically scan a room if it’s a gathering with friends, a crowd of people or anywhere outside my home. Perhaps it’s a trust issue or maybe I don’t ever feel completely comfortable.Does this describe you?

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How can people live with themselves when taking advantage of others? I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing I was ripping off a relative.

Financial abuse is a form of abuse that often goes hand in hand with other abuses. It’s also an all too common form of elder abuse. Anyone who is frail, sick, in an institution or unable to handle their own finances completely and with understanding, is vulnerable to financial abuse.

Frequently, financial abuse is a part of domestic abuse, being employed as a way of controlling the victim and preventing her from being able to escape the abusive relationship.

Financial abuse is often a part of another abuse such as domestic violence or emotional/psychological abuse or even bullying. It can result from drug or alcohol addictions too.

What is Financial Abuse?

Financial abuse is any abuse involving money. It can be perpetrated by an individual or an organisation. If someone forces you to take money from your account to give to them, takes money from you, pressures you into giving them money, borrows from you and refuses to repay the loan, forces you to sign something without explaining the full implications or allowing you to read the small print, takes your benefits or charges for services you have not received or requested, it is financial abuse.

Financial abuse can also involve cowboy traders who undertake work and leave a substandard job after receiving payment.

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These words have been very hard to write and I have postponed this post for awhile. It is personal, heartfelt, dark and honest. I am releasing my inner most honest heartbroken feelings. I need to let go of the pain & heartache I carry with me. It is no secret that I have a very difficult with the one person who should be my biggest fan. I have and always have had very deep, dark & painful feelings about our relationship. I don’t remember every feeling like you wanted me. I feel like you had expectations of who and what you thought I should be but I’ve never measured up to what you wanted. So you used me as your proverbial verbal punching bag.

I was a good kid. I did pretty well in school. I never got in trouble at school and maintained the honor roll through High School. I have never done drugs. I have never even gotten drunk. Even as an adult today, I will have…

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How migraines without headache pain can wreak havoc on your health

Did you know you could have what’s called a ‘silent migraine‘ without actually having a headache? Surprisingly, migraines can occur without the classic pulsing head pain. In fact, about 3 to 5% of people with chronic migraines experience such headache-free migraines, known as “silent migraines.” But how can you know when you’re having one if you’re not in pain?

Silent Migraine Sufferers’ Profile

Silent migraines occur in older adults who have previously suffered full migraine symptoms, headache and all.

In other cases, adults over age 40 develop these headache-less migraines out of the blue. Here are six names associated with silent migraines:

Acephalgic migraine: Acephalgic is the Latin word for “without head pain”

Isolated visual migraine

Late-onset migraine accompaniment: Occurs when the condition first strikes someone over the age of 40

Migraine dissocié: The French name for a migraine that is dissociated from (that is, not related to) headache

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In a survey of adults with anxiety or a mood disorder like depression or bipolar disorder, about half reported experiencing chronic pain, according to researchers at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health. The findings are published online in the Journal of Affective Disorders.

“The dual burden of chronic physical conditions and mood and anxiety disorders is a significant and growing problem,” said Silvia Martins, MD, PhD, associate professor of Epidemiology at the Mailman School of Public Health, and senior author.

The research examined survey data to analyze associations between DSM-IV-diagnosed mood and anxiety disorders and self-reported chronic physical conditions among 5,037 adults in São Paulo, Brazil. Participants were also interviewed in person.

Among individuals with a mood disorder, chronic pain was the most common, reported by 50 percent, followed by respiratory diseases at 33 percent, cardiovascular disease at 10 percent, arthritis reported by 9 percent, and diabetes by 7 percent.

Anxiety disorders were also common for those with chronic pain disorder at 45 percent, and respiratory at 30 percent, as well as arthritis and cardiovascular disease, each 11 percent.

Individuals with two or more chronic diseases had increased odds of a mood or anxiety disorder. Hypertension was associated with both disorders at 23 percent.

“These results shed new light on the public health impact of the dual burden of physical and mental illness,” said Dr. Martins. “Chronic disease coupled with a psychiatric disorder is a pressing issue that health providers should consider when designing preventive interventions and treatment services — especially the heavy mental health burden experienced by those with two or more chronic diseases.”

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When someone appears to be different than us, we may view him or her in a negative stereotyped manner. People who have identities that society values negatively are said to be stigmatized.

Stigma is a reality for people with a mental illness, and they report that how others judge them is one of their greatest barriers to a complete and satisfying life. Society feels uncomfortable about mental illness. It is not seen like other illnesses such as heart disease and cancer.

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Reflecting on my first appointment, I was clearly unprepared and this article would have come in handy. Bringing someone would have helped immensely, and when the pdoc asked if there were any questions, it would have prevented me from sitting there looking stunned.

This article was written by: Natasha Tracy on Healthyplace.com

Recently, someone wrote me and asked how to best handle a first psychiatric appointment. This is a good question because, essentially, people are walking into the vast unknown. If you’ve never seen a psychiatrist before, how could you possibly know what to expect? And, the kicker of that is, the doctor will be asking you why you’re there. So you’re supposed to know what to say when he says that. So how do you handle your first psychiatric appointment?

Write Down What Concerns You Before Your Psychiatric Appointment

Many people get in front of a psychiatrist a freeze, completely forgetting all the issues that brought them there in the first place. This is extremely common. So, before you head off for your first psychiatric appointment write down all your concerns. Everything that has been odd and everything that you think might be odd should go down on the list, with examples.

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To heal from trauma means finally dealing with the source of the trauma, whether it’s childhood abuse or neglect, combat experiences, or a natural disaster or a violent assault. How can this be done, however, when trauma provokes such negative and overwhelming feelings – feelings that most try hard to keep safely buried?

Therapy can be a vital step, helping the person feel safe enough to revisit their trauma without being retraumatized in the process. Getting the right support is key, however. Not only is it important to connect with a therapist well-versed in effective therapeutic approaches, it’s also vital to seek out a person with whom you feel a personal connection.

Multiple studies confirm that a person who feels good about their relationship with their therapist is more likely to have a positive outcome. A recent study from Bowling Green State University researchers takes the concept a step further, noting that a deep connection between a therapist and patient can lead to “sacred moments” that increase well-being on both sides.

With that in mind, here are four things to look for to make your therapeutic experience most effective:

Knowledge. Your therapist should, of course, be up to date on treatment options – techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy, which teaches new ways of thinking of old experiences; neurofeedback, which can help rewire the brain to overcome trauma-induced changes; equine therapy, which can be a helpful supplement for those who find it hard to trust human connections; and EMDR, which can help with the process of moving beyond the past.

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I believe people come into our lives for a reason. They come to teach us lessons, a different view in life, reveal to us our shadows, or maybe to strengthen us. When you endure an abusive relationship it’s hard to understand what that person could possibly bring into your life, other than pain. My ex brought all these things into my life; along with terror, gaslighting, c-ptsd, and a broken spirit. I went through a period where I hated him for everything I was going through. I hated him when I had to mourn a made up fairytale that was all just a mirage. I hated him when I had to ride the grueling waves of stockholm syndrome. I hated him for claiming to be a Christian and using God as a way to intimidate, degrade and abuse me. Most of all, I hated that I wasted any of my…

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That was me, the black sheep in our family of four. There was only me and my brother, he was treated like gold, the golden child, while I….you get the picture. My brother and I were having lunch one day and these words stung “I don’t know why you have problems with Mom, we must have lived in different houses because I never saw any of this”.

On their PsychCentral.com blog, this article, written by: Jonice Webb, Ph.D, explains:

I’ve met many Black Sheep. It’s my job.

In a recent post called Black Sheep, I talked about some common myths, and how Black Sheep are not what they appear to be. Surprisingly, they are simply a product of family dynamics.

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The therapist I worked with for seven years was amazing, we dealt with some extremely emotional issues including PTSD sexual abuse and maternal narcissism. She validated my feelings and showed the kind of empathy that I’d never received as a child, therefore, I often craved her as a friend while in therapy. I soon understood boundaries, and realized it just wouldn’t work; therapy isn’t friendship.

A friend told me of an occurrence where friendship ruined the relationship with her and her therapist. She had been meeting “X” every 3 weeks for roughly 2 years, drudging through many agonizing, uncomfortable, personal issues and trusted “X” entirely with what she disclosed, more than with any other therapist.

When she was pregnant with her second child, also experiencing difficulties with her spouse, “X” was there to convey her thoughts to. By the time the baby was to arrive, they worked through marital issues, which alleviated the situation at home and for her.

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This article was most interesting to me as many of my migraine pain areas are in portions of my face, where sight is impaired and the pain is excruciating.

Trigeminal Nerves

If you look at the entire nervous system only about 20% of the input to the brain comes from the spinal column! The other 80% comes from twelve sets of cranial nerves. Here is where it gets tricky. 70% of that 80% comes from the trigeminal nerve. The trigeminal nerve is important because it provides nerve stimulation to some very important parts of the head and face such as:

The muscles that move the jaw

The lining of the sinuses

The temporal mandibular (TM) joints

The teeth

The muscle that tenses the ear drum

The joint that connects the teeth to the jaws

The control of the blood flow to the anterior (front) of the brain.

The tongue

The ear canal

Take a good look at this list…how many of you have complaints of ear problems? Toothaches? Sinus problems? Migraines? Jaw Pain? How many of you have been to multiple doctors and have been told that there was “nothing” wrong?

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As an unloved daughter of a narcissistic mother, the cards or flowers I handed to her with ‘love’ throughout the years were given with the expectations and desires that one day she would hug me with love. Giving her a card each year was presented or mailed with a fake smile or strained “Love you always mom.”

She by no means ever deserved a card, lunch or dinner out, and especially a visit when I was an adult. When I moved across the country, there was one year I ‘neglected’ to send a card or call. This resulted in a ‘hissyfit,’ possibly threw one of her notorious tantrums including tears, resulting with my father phoning me, blasting “how could you treat your mother like this?” I can’t recall my reply, but more than likely, I said I was sorry.

A few days passed, and what do I receive in the mail, a multi-page letter from my mother ranting how self-centred I am, this is the way I treat her after everything she’s done for me throughout my life, took care of me, and will sever our relationship now. This was due to not sending a card?

To be honest, I feel jealous of others who have/had a wonderful mother.

So to all of those who are survivors of narcissistic emotional abuse, or never received the kind of motherly care, empathy, encouragement, and love; this post is dedicated to you. You are all Warriors!

Chronic Migraines

That’s me, that’s what I suffer with. Winter has been unkind to me, especially January through March, where very few days did I escape not having a migraine headache. The pulsating, throbbing head and face agony had me bedridden most days, and other times unable to wear my glasses due to tenderness over the bridge of my nose.

Since thoughts of jumping over the balcony crossed my mind to end this crap and a trip to the emergency isn’t an option anymore (wait times approx. 10-14 hrs. and their refusal to use narcotics), I had to ‘suck it up’.

My neurologist suggested Botox treatments, but I’m unsure of this method for chronic migraines, and the research I’ve done has shown some people were worse off with the treatment due to constant stiff necks and even more pain + medications. I am considering chiropractic or acupuncture methods, but for this past week, I’m experimenting with a natural herbal medication which has shown good progress so far. Fingers crossed!

Love this quote

Robin Williams (1951 – 2014) RIP

Robin Williams, a comedian, born on July 21st, 1951 in Chicago, Illinois. He rose to fame with his role as an alien on “Mork and Mindy” TV series. Winning many Academy Awards for his role in movies, he also won Grammy and Screen Actors Guild Awards, as well as, Golden Globes. A comment made by Williams' at the 1986 Academy Awards never saw him hosting the event again. Although there is not enough evidence to support that he suffered from bipolar disorder, they argued that manic depression was behind the performances in many of his movies. Almost always the comedian in movies, he has played serious parts also. At his death on August 11, 2014, he was struggling with major depression, causing suicide and later noted that he also was in the first stages of Parkinson's. He wore a mask with a smile, yet so sad inside.

Harrison Ford

Born July 13, 1942, Chicago, Illinois… What many of his fans do not realize is that the future Indiana Jones was far from the tough guy as a child. He was shy and often beaten up by his peers. Taking a stance of non-violence he refused to fight back, instead keeping the anger inside himself for years. During college he did not fit in, finding the school too conservative for his tastes. He began exhibiting typical signs of depression, such sleeping long hours, missing classes and struggling to keep up with his studies. He later said of his time at college, "The kindest word to describe my performance was Sloth". Due to his failing a philosophy class during his senior year, he was expelled from school. Notoriously private about his life, Ford has not personally characterized this period of his life as one of depression, but has confessed to being painfully shy until his junior year of college, when he signed up for a drama class and overcame his fears.

Billy Joel …. on depression

William Martin Joel, better known as Billy Joel. May 9, 1949, Bronx, New York. In a book by Hank Bordowitz entitled "Billy Joel: The Life and Times of an Angry Young Man" it was revealed that Joel has battled for years with depression and alcoholism and tried to commit suicide by drinking furniture polish. He is quoted as saying, "I drank furniture polish. It looked tastier than bleach." Prior to the attempt, he left a suicide note, which later became the lyrics to "Tomorrow Is Today".

Drew Carey-On Depression

Drew Carey (born May 23, 1958) in Cleveland, Ohio, battled depression as a young adult. In the Marine Corps Reserves, he found structure as well as his signature style buzz-cut hair and heavy glasses. At Kent State University in the ‘70’s, he encountered difficulties while struggling with depression. A suicide attempt had him expelled, eventually dropping college longing to pursue a career as a stand-up comedian. Travelling across the country trying his luck, his depression worsened, then in his early 20's, he attempted suicide once again. In 1986, he met up with a childhood friend, who was also a DJ, and began writing comedy bits. This led to making rounds on comedy circuits, TV appearances, and ultimately “The Tonight Show”. The "Drew Carey Show" debuted in 1995, a fan favorite, later hosting “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”, and also in his career replacing Bob Barker on “The Price is Right”. He’s also an active supporter of personal freedoms.

Patty Duke (1946-2016) RIP ….. on bipolar disorder

In 1982, after actress Patty Duke and John Astin had separated, she was finally diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. She said receiving the diagnosis was a huge relief - that she never heard two better words than "manic depressive." Lithium became her savior.
In 1985 she and Astin were divorced, and in 1986 she married Michael Pearce, a military man who had been hired to prepare her for a role. Her autobiography, Call Me Anna, was published in 1987, and a book on bipolar disorder written with medical reporter Gloria Hochman, A Brilliant Madness, in 1993. Patty Duke passed away at age 69 with sepsis from a ruptured intestine.

Jim Carrey

James Eugene Carrey…January 17, 1962, Newmarket, Ontario, Canada…Even though Carrey worked hard and achieved great success in his career, he still suffered from depression. In the 60 Minutes interview he explained, "There are peaks, there are valleys. But they're all kind of carved and smoothed out, and it feels like a low level of despair you live in. Where you're not getting any answers, but you're living OK. And you can smile at the office. You know? But it's a low level of despair." Carrey further revealed, "I was on Prozac for a long time. It may have helped me out of a jam for a little bit, but people stay on it forever. I had to get off at a certain point because I realized that, you know, everything's just OK."
He no longer takes Prozac or another drug, but instead copes through spirituality. "I rarely drink coffee. I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful."

Howie Mandel…on ADHD

"Howard "Howie" Mandel was born on Nov 29, 1955 in Ontario, Canada. He is a stand-up comedian, actor, and famous for host of TV game show “Deal or No Deal”. In October 2008, on the show “Regis and Kelly” he revealed that he has (OCD) and (ADHD) and working to raise adult ADHD awareness. Mandel also has mysophobia (an irrational fear of germs) prompting him not to shake hands with anyone unless he wears latex gloves. He is a big advocate of mental illness awareness. “We take care of our dental health, but not our mental health. We go to the dentist for x-rays when there’s no issue — when we feel perfect. But we don’t get a mental health check-up, because there’s a stigma involved.”

Virginia Woolf (1882 – 1941)

Virginia was a brilliant author, penning some 10 novels, numerous short fiction and non-fiction, as well as, autobiographies. However she was the victim of depression and drastic mood swings, later diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder. Relapse after relapse eventually led to her death in 1941. Virginia drowned herself by weighing her pockets with stones and walking into a river. Her body was not discovered until one month later.