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Topic: Is this too harsh? A family of girls... (Read 20502 times)

I think a lot of these statements, the one-timers not the people who repeatedly go on and on about it, are just thoughtless, careless remarks that people make because they've heard so many other people make them. Just something to say that doesn't require any original thinking, but you can still use the tone to express interest in the other person and their family. People around me say them all the time and I've said them myself, though thanks to eHell, I don't anymore, because I finally thought about what exactly I was implying.

I think I would just respond, with a big grin and display of affection, "Oh, we love our girls [or "kids"]! We're so glad they're healthy and they get along with each other well." Maybe give one a hug if she's standing there. I would say this even if it doesn't directly "address" whatever the person said, because they just said something silly and thoughtless and it doesn't deserve much consideration--I just want to counteract the bad impression my child might have gotten.

IIRC, you're not pregnant with #5 yet, but might be in the future, and there's a 50/50 chance of that baby being a boy, so I think I personally wouldn't want to say anything that might tip too far in either direction--like, I personally wouldn't want to say, "Oh, I don't know what I'd do with a boy!" because then what if I had a boy? You know someone would remember my off-hand remark and bring it up again.

Also, if all these remarks are coming from the same community (new church?), as you get closer to people, you might confide to a few of them, individually, that you feel hurt when people make those remarks, and you worry that your kids will feel less valued because of them. That might make a few people realize what is being implied by those remarks, and the sentiment might percolate through the community.

We are currently pregnant with our second child and don't know what it is going to be and are not finding out. My mother in law made a comment a while ago, that if it is another boy, we can try for a 3rd. Hubby and I burst out laughing. Boy or girl, this baby is IT! this is the same woman that said to her daughter, when she found out her daughter wanted a 3rd kid, "You have one of each, that is enough"

Some people are just stuck on gender. doesn't mean you have to stand there and listen, Can you say something like, "I'm kind of over discussing the sex of the baby, how are you handling the heatwave?"

I think, when boors ask you any questions about your reproductive organs and what they are up to, it is ok to say "It's all good..our family is happy and healthy and gender isn't that important." It does kill me that people, in this day and age still think we women need to produce a male for the husband. Most fathers I know absolutely dote on their daughters and are thrilled by them!

Somewhat off topic, but this isn't the only instance in this thread of people expecting the woman to produce the male child. Unless things have changed significantly since I had sex education in 6th grade, I thought the father was in charge of that aspect of things? Is this not taught in schools anymore?

Back on topic, I think

Quote

My grandpa used to say, "I couldn't love a boy more than I love my girls."

is a wonderful answer.

Or, depending on the circumstances and who's asking, a joking reply, "A boy? No, we're trying for an aardvark this time around."

I wouldn't give too in-depth or serious a reply unless the person just isn't getting it and keeps pushing.

My parents had the reverse problem--a large number of boys and only one daughter (me) for a long time. But I kept overhearing remarks like, "I'll bet Cammy's more trouble than all 5 of the boys put together--girls are so much harder to raise than boys." "Be grateful you have so many boys, you wouldn't want that many daughters." Gee, thanks. But I got a little sister eventually and between that and Mom just naturally got older, the comments finally stopped.

Its just a numbers game. And the key word there is game. Its not serious, its small talk. And some people who may say the same things over and over again may still be making small talk! Just because you see someone on a regular basis doesn't automatically make it so that you progress beyond a superficial small talk kind of relationship.

Really, by and large other people don't care whether you have all girls, all boys or any combination of the two. They are just making small talk. So, deflect to a mutual conversation with small talk of your own. Gloss over it. Don't actually have a discussion about it!

Also, its very well know that people cannot order one gender or another. Again, a numbers game and a game of chance too. Discussing it treats it as if that were not true-- as if you really coukd have it this way or that.

I have 4 - 2 girls and 2 boys and get asked if I'll have a 5th to tip the balance, so whatever you have you get those comments (and I'm sure if I have a 5th I'll get asked if I'll have a 6th to even the numbers)

Thought I'd add this--a friend today complained to me that since his second child was born (they now have 1 boy and 1 girl), people have been saying things like, "well now you can stop because you have one of each!"

A lot of people just seem to think that you need equal numbers of each, or at least one of each, or something. And they think it's appropriate to comment on other people's families regarding this. You can't win.

...Somewhat off topic, but this isn't the only instance in this thread of people expecting the woman to produce the male child. Unless things have changed significantly since I had sex education in 6th grade, I thought the father was in charge of that aspect of things? Is this not taught in schools anymore?....

I find it shocking that not everyone knows this, but I recently had to explain this to a woman whose husband had been giving her grief about 3 girls and no boys.

We are currently pregnant with our second child and don't know what it is going to be and are not finding out. My mother in law made a comment a while ago, that if it is another boy, we can try for a 3rd. Hubby and I burst out laughing. Boy or girl, this baby is IT!

Isn't it great when the appropriate response comes to your lips spontaneously and genuinely? Aaahh.

I have two daughters and have zero plans to increase our family size. I've been asked this question and I usually say something like, "Oh, no. I've got two beautiful girls and I'm going to quit while I'm ahead."

I'm the oldest of 3 girls and my parents were always being asked if they were going to go for a boy. And worst of all, it was plain that my grandmother never really forgave my mother for not giving her a grandson to pass on the family name. I don't want my girls to ever feel like that.

PI think I would go for my standard "We'll see what Mother Nature has to say about it." Followed by, "We're very happy with what we have." In fact, I have used it, after having the proverbial one of each, on the impending arrival of number three. What bugged me most was the assumption that #3 was an "accident." CRIVINS!? For all they know, we wanted twelve!