What to do about the dog?

Registered User

Hi
Just wondered if anyone can give me any advise please.
Mum lives on her own with her dog. She has always had dogs. She takes the dog out every day on the same route. She loves the dog and talks to her all day.
The problem is she gets fixated about the dog not eating, especially at sun downing time. The dog hides under the bed and she phones me up crying that the dog is starving and needs to be fed. She is asking the man in the local shop to help her get the dog out from under the bed and said tonight she was asking people walking down the road to help her. The dog is not starving if anything she is over weight.

Mums condition seems to have deteriorated lately, she asked a strange man in last week in the evening to help put her net curtain up that had fallen down, she lost her handbag in the road two days later. She put fairy liquid in the washing machine and put the electric kettle on the hob last night and burnt all the bottom of it, the list is endless.

I feel so sorry for the dog and my niece has said she will have her, but I don't know how mum will cope without her and if she will spend her whole time looking for it and if it will cause her to start wandering as she might think the dog is lost and go out looking for it.
I just don't know what to do for the best. Any advice is very welcome.

Registered User

I think she has just dipped to the next phase and has been doing more things like this since October.
Mum will have to go into a care home when she is not safe to live alone, we are trying a carer in for 1-2 hrs in the evening after Xmas, she is going to my sisters Thursday for a week.
My niece will have the dog as soon as we say mum can't cope or goes into a care home.

I hate this disease, I have already lost my dad too it this year. I hate what it is doing to my mum and I hate that it consumes and affects everyone who loves and cares for her. I've done dementia for 10 years now and I've just had enough. Sorry for the moan.

Registered User

To be honest, I would be more concerned about your mums safety at the moment. She is most certainly at risk, letting a strange man into her house, and putting inappropriate things on the cooker. You say that the list of problems in endless and when she is not safe, she will need to go into a home, maybe that time is nearer than you think.

Sorry to be a pessimist, but some of your comments have made me worried about your mums ability to be on her own.

Registered User

I know I don't think it will be long. We are going to give the carer a try first to see if that helps for a while. She is ok if she is with people.
I know my mum will hate the care home, she likes going out walking, is always busy. Indoors tidying something.
She was a geriatric nurse and worked in a carehome when she retired. When my dad went into a carehome, she kept saying she would kill herself if she was in a care home.
This is all playing on my mind.
I know we are just delaying the inevitable. OH is going to disconnect the gas for the hob and cooker this week so one less thing to worry about.
Touch wood she hasn't got lost on her walk or started wandering but that will really force my hand.

Registered User

I'm so sorry for the struggles your mum is enduring and hate saying this, I'm a dog adorer myself and can only imagine how painful it will be...
But the dog is a sentient being too, not a soft toy.
If you are worried about it, it means there are reasons to worry.

It's cruel to take it away from her but it's crueller to leave it.
You're SO lucky that your Niece will give it a new home, that's the only good part of the painful scenario you find yourself in.
We had to disconnect Mam's gas cooker too, she (very independent and strong minded) never really noticed.
It was disconnected 15months before she died (she was 86 and had COPD and heart failure as well as dementia) She wasn't a big walker or wanderer though.
Thank the Lord.
It must be SO worrying for you, I well remember the constancy of being on red alert.
It's physically and emotionally exhausting.
My heart aches for you, as your and your Mum's journey seems so familiar to me.

But as hard as it is, you must do the best for her dear dog's welfare too, I'm sure that's what she would want too.
Best wishes to you, your Mum, her beloved dog and your darling Niece. x

Registered User

The dog obsession is something I completely understand. My mum and her little dog moved in with me almost 2 years ago. At first it was a blessing that mum still had something to look after, but the last year the relationship between mum and dog has changed drastically. I have slowly taken over all the pet care because mum was getting it all wrong and after months of pestering the poor little thing, it snapped and bit her.

The obsession is still with us, in fact it is worse. Mum has to know where the dog is all the time, talks to it all the time and always trying to pick her up and take her to bed. She cannot leave it alone, she treats it like a baby, meantime the dog hides behind me and night time is just a nightmare, the dog just does not want to sleep on mum's bed anymore.

The only reason mum and the dog are still together and mum is not in a care home, is because I look after them both 24/7. I'm not sure what I would have done if mum was still living alone, truthfully the dogs health and state of mind was/is just as important to me.

Registered User

I suppose if it wasn't the dog it would be something else she would obsess over.
We were so lucky with my dad ( not sure lucky is the right word) he just went quieter and quieter and was happy to sit and watch TV.
Mum on the other hand just won't sit still and is always doing something. She wears me out looking at her, I don't know how she keeps going all day at her age (85).

Mum is going out with my sister tomorrow and the dog is going to my nieces for a break ( we will see how she gets on without it) sister is going to stay with mum tomorrow night, then I'm going to keep her busy wed, so only Wednesday night on her own as off to other sisters Thursday for Xmas. I can't wait for a few days without the constant worry and waiting for the dreaded phone calls to start. It is my first every Christmas Day without my mum and dad, lots of alcohol for me this year I think!

Registered User

This may not be possible (I don't know anything about your niece, how old she is, her proximity to your mum, etc) but if the dog goes to live permanently with your niece, would your mum be able to join them every day on their walks?

Registered User

No she doesn't live close enough to still the dog if she goes to nieces permanently.

Mum has had a good day today, went on day out with grand children and great gran children. Sister is staying tonight and she hasn't been looking for cats or children.

Had some good news from the alzheimer & dementia charity, a nice young man called Tom will start visiting for an hour each night from the beginning of Jan. Mum will love that she is such a flirt, poor boy.