2014 has come and gone, but I still have a few last blasts from the not-so-distant past that I have yet to update you on. Here are the first two (out of three), which were both mediocre at best… so don’t expect to be blown away by this post.

Date: Scruffy VanillaDating Problems: Dull and Bad Body Language
We connected via OKC and met up in early November. The most interesting fact (in his mind) that he had to share was that he was from the town that has some big jack-o-lantern festival. YOU’RE FROM HALLOWEENTOWN? Sadly, no, because that would have infinitely increased his level of intrigue.

Anyways, he was genuinely shocked that I had no idea what town he was referring to or what Halloween tradition he was talking about. Whatever. But later he did drop the fun fact that most of Jumanji was filmed in his hometown. Not sure how he let that go under the radar since that tidbit of information was actually the most interesting thing I remember from the date. I was hoping he had been an extra in it, but unfortunately he wasn’t that cool. Other than those hometown facts, there really wasn’t much that he talked about that was very interesting at all – and trust me, he talked A LOT. Had he not eventually wised up and finally asked me about myself, he definitely would’ve gotten the Juan Pablo Syndrome label. And it didn’t help that his body language was horrendous and had me thinking he wasn’t into me for most of the date. I know it can be tough to turn your body slightly towards your date while sitting side-by-side at a bar… but, wait, no, it’s actually not that hard at all. His shoulders were facing squarely forward and he rarely made eye contact with me. When he asked me out again, I considered it but eventually passed because despite his well-tamed scruffy facial hair, I couldn’t justify didn’t want to take time to see him again.

Date: The Unimpressed Comedian Dating Problems: Girl-ish Tendencies (previously referred to as Male-on-Male Tendencies) and Judge Judy
The day after Scruffy Vanilla, I met up with this guy who had messaged me on OKC asking me to a comedy show right off the bat. He wasn’t exactly my type looks-wise but his profile was hilarious since he himself was a bit of a comedian. It was an offer that was hard to refuse. Now, with the first dating problem I listed, I really need to rename the “male-on-male tendencies” problem because this guy didn’t actually portray any tendencies like my very first Tinder date who I actually did think might be into men (which, for the record, I’m totally cool with – I just don’t want to date you if that’s the case). The comedian just had a very girly-ish voice, which when compared to my raspier Emma Stone-like voice, it was questionable whose was deeper. That aside, he was very much into it females. In fact, he self-admittedly had been on a ton of dates with girls he met online which ended up being an interesting conversation topic. Ladies, apparently a lot of you are setting dates with guys and then not showing up. I’m not talking last minute cancellations; he said on multiple occasions he and several of his friends have been straight up stood up by girls they met online. Come on, gals. We’re better than that. At least text them and say you can’t miss the rerun of the SVU episode that you’ve already seen twice.

Anyways, he took me to the comedy show which was hilarious. However, he ended up hating on the opening act throughout the entire time he was on stage. I get that he’s super into comedy and maybe knows “good” from “bad,” but I was cracking up from start to finish and his negative comments were getting annoying. Plus, even though he was making the comments privately to me, I got really uncomfortable because he was not being quiet about his opinions at all.

Nevertheless, it wasn’t a bad date. There was no second one even though he did ask me out again. To be honest, it was the girly voice that was the main reason I didn’t see him again. I just don’t think I could get over that.

We met in his neighborhood again, but this time it was at least accessible by public transportation. Because he had a dumb phone, he hadn’t properly mapped out where we were going to get pizza, but we eventually made it to a small sit-down pizza parlor.

Perhaps it was the pizza and beer that was clouding my judgment (which is completely possible) during this first part of the date, but I was genuinely enjoying myself. He wasn’t annoying, we had some good witty banter, and he did actually pay for the food and drinks. Not to mention he was still tall and good looking, and so I was now totally on board for the rest of the date.

We left the pizza place and headed to the comedy show. We had about 45 minutes until we could purchase tickets for the later show, so we went to the bar next door to pass the time. I was optimistic and not dreading having to spend more time talking to him. He continued to be enjoyable… for all of 10 minutes.

Problem #6: Debate Team Champion

The date took a turn for the worse after we snagged a corner booth and sat down. Let me tell you, if the guy who argued about Atheism and this guy were to go against each other in a debate, this pompous guy would win hands down. So what changed? Well, a few short minutes into our beers, he asks me, “So have you read the book Sex at Dawn?” “Nope, can’t say I have heard of it.” He was genuinely shocked because “alllllllll of the girls are reading it these days.” Apparently he has girl friends who can put up with him because he continued to say how so many of them have been suggesting he read it since it is right up his alley. I already wasn’t looking forward to the explanation he was inevitably going to provide because at this point he had the same matter-of-fact voice that my lawyer father gets when he tries to make a point (when this happens, it’s a losing battle; no matter what, everything out of his mouth is fact).

Sure enough, he proceeds to give me a detailed lecture about this book which explains why humans are not meant to be monogamous – because naturally that is the kind of conversation you want to have with someone who is on a date with you. I’m not exaggerating when I say he went on and on about this book for at least 15 straight minutes. There was one break about halfway through this nonstop rant:

Him: “Haven’t you ever wondered why men just want to sleep after having sex whereas women are ready to go for more?”
Me: “No, because that usually means he came and she didn’t.”
Him: “No, but when they both do, don’t you notice how women still want more?”
Me: “Ehhh… no, that probably just means she faked it and still needs to come the first time.”

He kept insisting that what he was saying was fact, so I just went along with it because I could tell it was going nowhere. From there, he continued to preach the word of this book and why our bodies are built to not be with only one person. When he was finished, he turned to me and said, “tell me your thoughts” – but by the way he said it, he really meant “tell me what you disagree with so I can prove you wrong.” I calmly sat back in the booth, sipped my beer, and said, “Sounds good. Makes sense.” HAHAHA I literally saw his blood begin to boil. He tried again, “But what do you have to say about it all?” I responded, “It sounds interesting and there are a lot of good points.” He became visibly annoyed that I was giving him no pushback, and so I asked him, “Ok, well what kind of argument would you like me to provide? Obviously you want me to say something, so just tell me what and I’ll say it for you.” This is when he reminded me that he hadn’t actually read the book yet. (Dear God don’t let me near him once he has finished it and has even more to say about it.)

Problem #7: Judge Judy

When he wasn’t trying to prove his philosophies of life to me, he was busy making comments on everyone around us. To be clear, this was very different from people watching. I LOVE people watching, and this was not it. A sampling of the kinds of things he would say: “Ugh. Those guys over there are just here to pick up girls. I hate guys like that.” I looked over and it’s just a group of friends watching sports with no girls anywhere near them. Another: “That girl is so pathetic. She looks drunk and that guy will never go for her.” Yes, she looked pretty intoxicated, but what need for such harsh judgments on a girl’s attractiveness in front of me?

Problem #8: Bad Body Language

As I mentioned, we were sitting in a corner booth. I was on one side of the booth with my legs underneath the table just like any other normal human being. He was in the corner nook with his back to the same side of the booth as mine with his legs up outstretched on the booth side where I was not sitting. As if this wasn’t rude enough, he also was not making any eye contact with me because he wasn’t facing me. The TV was in front of us, and so he was literally lounged up on this booth, not looking at me, staring at the TV. I figured, okay, since we missed the comedy show (yep, that show never happened for us), I might as well get what I came here for – whether it be in the bar or outside. (Side note: I’m not one for making out in bars, but I was open to that option if it would get me what I came for while also shutting him up; I was all for killing two birds with one stone in this situation.) With him sitting right next to me, I thought it wouldn’t be too hard to get some physical contact. Well, long story short, he was unreceptive to anything I did, and he made zero attempts to make any move on me whatsoever. To be honest, I figured he just wasn’t interested. Or perhaps he picked up on my annoyance and thought I wasn’t interested.

Now that it looked like I wasn’t going to be making out with him, it was time to go. We ask for the check and are informed that they only accept cash. I was the only one with cash on me, so I ended up paying for all of our beers. Again. What’s worse? He never said thank you. Again. But he did manage to criticize the watch I was wearing.

We left the bar, and we had about 5 minutes before my Uber arrived. During that time he made no attempts at even a goodnight kiss, and so I left assuming I would never hear from this kid again – and I was a-okay with that.

I took some time before going on another date after my first almost-successful Hinge experience, but eventually I gave this app another go and met up with someone new. I was not super excited to be meeting up with him, but I was at least intrigued – particularly because I had actually come across this guy on at least one other dating app and had been interested. He worked nearby, and so we met up at a newer bar in the area after work.

Aside from hearing him talk an excessive amount about work (see problem #2), I spent most of the date listening about his lackluster hockey career, which had only just recently ended. Truthfully, I don’t have any issues with hockey players as people, but generally, it seems like too many of them hold onto the dream for too long before facing the reality that they won’t go pro and won’t be able to make a living out of playing the sport. So I listened to him tell me about each team he played for, each location he traveled to, every injury he once had, and every job he considered getting once he decided to move on from the sport. He was on such a roll that I didn’t even bother trying to get a word in. Like the typical sufferer of this JP Syndrome, he rarely asked me about my life. (Fortunately, we got appetizers, and so I was able to distract myself with food.)

Peoblem #2: Work Obsessed

The topic of work will almost always come up on a first date conversation. And understandably so, since such a huge amount of our time each week is spent at our jobs. However, there are few things more annoying than having to have the work conversation for a prolonged period of time. This is not only during first dates; I cannot stand it when coworkers, friends, or even family decide that the only thing they want to ask me about and tell me about is work. With the fellah I was on this date with, we happened to work in the same field: sales. Typically this can be a nice thing, since you both share that common ground. But in the case of this date, this similarity led to him preaching the do’s, don’ts, and how-to’s of sales. Honestly, I don’t care how amazing you are at sales…I will not want to talk about best practices for prospecting on a date – or any time after 5pm for that matter. What killed me, though, was that this guy wasn’t even a sales rockstar; he was a hockey player who only just recently found himself randomly landing a job that just happened to be in sales.

Problem #3: Bad Body Language

No matter how into or not into a guy I am, I always make a point to turn my body towards them, make eye contact (or at least occasionally, if sitting side-by-side at a bar), and act interested and engaged. When my date was slouched over with his elbows on the bar, resting his head in his hand, and not making any attempts to look my way, it seemed very obvious that he was not interested and ready to go. Hey, I was okay with that because quite honestly, the feelings were mutual. So when we finished at the first location, I was ready to go on my merry way. Alas, he practically insisted that we go to another location to continue the night. I said I had an early morning coming up, but I agreed. Location #2 we sat across from each other at a high top table, so now we were face-to-face. And you know what? His body language was the exact same. It was so bizarre because he looked just as disinterested in life as he spoke about himself as he did when I was able to get a few words in.

Once we headed out of the second location, we were unfortunately heading in the same direction. We passed his office – his OFFICE – and he asked me if I wanted to come upstairs with him to get something. Umm…no thanks. I made a beeline for the cab stand and despite his later request to go out again, I never saw him again.