How Far You Can Safely “Come Out”

I’ve responded about this on other people’s blogs but I’ve never posted anything about this before on my own. I’ve heard of a lot of people “coming out” as spankos, as in they tell their vanilla family and friends what they’re up to. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. Really, it’s all about the delivery.

You could do it this way:

YOUR FRIEND: I don’t know why people like 50 Shades of Grey. It just has a bunch of BDSM and spanking.

OUTCOME: There’s very low chance of sling-back because you’re acting so casual about it, and there’s a hidden, ‘We do this but we also do other stuff, too’, message. You’re implying that you’re just talking about the bedroom, and not really going into specifics, like how you obsess about spanking all the time. They’re not even thinking about it in the way you do it. Say something like this, and they’ll think you end your play at the line where you’re tied up or that he might give you a couple of spanks on the rump as he’s hard-fucking you from behind. Maybe even a playful swat outside the bedroom. Lots of non-spankos do the same thing.

In short, you didn’t come out as a spanko., even (which, because spanko could be talked about like a sexual taste and not a lifestyle, so it’s different and more accepted), let alone a wife in a DD relationship. Maybe you will; this is an excellent first step. It’s prep work, but it’s not “coming out”. As far as “DD” goes, you didn’t come out at all. In fact, as far as explaining that your husband does this for discipline… You just mis-directed them. Now, if they see your husband giving you a swat on the bottom, they’ll just think it’s sexual.

HAS KOREY DONE THIS?

Fuck yeah, I’ve done this. I’ve had this exact conversation. It’s no big deal. In fact–I’ve WANTED to misdirect my vanilla friend so that they DIDN’T think that James was the HoH. I’ve gone that far. Hell, I even had a similar conversation with my father that went something like this:

KOREY: You guys [both of my parents] have been pretty cool about the whole erotica business I do.

DAD: Well, it’s no big deal. Sex is out there, and it’s not like you do porn or anything. At least you’re not doing anything Kinky. Like… Like what’s it called? BDSM and stuff.

KOREY: Oh no, Dad. I’ve published BDSM. Lots of it.

DAD: …Really?

KOREY: It’s a big-seller, Dad.

DAD: But you’re not writing it or anything.

KOREY: Yeah I do… It sells.

DAD: … Oh. Okay. Well, you know your audience better than I do.

OUTCOME: If he ever does figure out I’m KMJ, and sees the books I’ve written, he can’t say he hasn’t been warned. Does he even assume I’m in a DD relationship? No. Does he think I write about SPANKING specifically? No. Does he think I’ve done BDSM myself? No. He doesn’t even think that. When I was twenty-two, I went out to a concert with him and his friends, somebody told a blow-job joke, and he put me at the center of attention by asking, “You don’t even get that joke, do you?” Being twenty-two, I had to say, “Dad, I know what a blow-job is. I live in Monmouth, not on Mars.” And then he turned red and felt very awkward, because I think he actually thought I didn’t know about any sexual positions except good ol’ missionary. (I’d been having sex since I was seventeen, with my high-school substitute teacher (who was only 3 years older than me, but that IS how I met him). Dad knew this… when I was seventeen. When my family went to Europe when during my senior year (in highschool) and left me behind because I had tests, he invited that same boyfriend over to keep me company and sleep in THEIR bed so we’d both be more comfortable (because it’s the only queen in the house). But Dad never lept to the conclusion that the three-year-older man wouldn’t teach me fellatio? Come on! But I digress…)

WHAT A COMING-OUT CONVERSATION LOOKS LIKE

Physically, you know when you’re having a coming-out conversation because you come out of it so sweaty you need to shower, asap, and because everyone else looks interested but extremely uncomfortable. Word-wise, it will probably sound something like this:

YOUR FRIENDS: What? What? What do you mean against-the-rules? You’re [insert age here]. There’s no rules here. Who says?

YOU: My husband.

YOUR FRIENDS: So? Go tell him to shove his rules up his ass. Do it anyway. What’s he gonna do?

YOU (frustrated by now, because they won’t not let you not go to that nude-beach-party, they’ll hammer you, so you say the real reason for why your wet-t-shirt-contest days are over): He’d spank me, actually. I’d prefer not to court his wrath.

YOUR FRIENDS: What the fuck do you mean, he spanks you? That’s fucking abuse! He can’t spank you!

OUTCOME: You just turned an hour glass down on your friendship with these people. They’re “open-minded”. They like to sit and talk all day about how open-minded they are—so open minded that they’ve gone on hill tops shouting it. They’ve gone to sex clubs on Halloween just to see the insanity, they’ve gone to nude-beaches, etc, but they will NEVER understand domestic discipline.

In their minds, it’s already abuse. There’s nothing you can say that’s not going to sound like a battered wife saying that ‘she deserves’ her husband beating her.

Their opinion of you is lowered, and their opinion of your husband, the love of your life, has been decimated. They will hate him, they will give you bad counsel if you ever have a fight with him, they will do everything they can to get you away from him. Eventually you will get sick of it, sick of the way they treat him and the way they talk to you, and you’ll stop hanging out with them. You’ll see that their relationships aren’t any better, and probably much worse, than your own, and the last thing you need is their advice and the last thing you want is their sympathy when you have everything you want in life.

A lot of times, the conversation with these friends will look like this, but the outcome will be the same:

YOUR FRIEND: I wish I had a relationship like yours. It seems like you and your husband are so intimate and cute and he actually pays attention to you. What’s your secret?

YOU: Well… Believe it or not, my husband and I have a Domestic-Discipline relationship. He’s the Head-of-my-Household, he makes rules, I follow them, and then I get spanked if I don’t. (You might go onto explain that you don’t fight so often because of this. Hard decisions actually have a way of being solved, you move on from issues that have been discussed rather than letting them spoil your relationship, and your husband is very hard-working and thinks of you first because he’s trying to set a good example for you. At this point, you’ve already lost her. She got lost right at the word Discipline or at least, Spanking. Later, head of household).

OUTCOME: Is the same as the first conversation. When your friend asked for relationship advice and said that your relationship was better, that was before she knew about the DD. Her opinion of your relationship went from Healthy to Abusive just that fast. She no longer likes your husband, in fact, she now fears him. She will never ask you to talk about your relationship again unless she’s depressed and needing a pick-me-up served as “Well, at least I don’t have her abusive relationship. Mine suddenly doesn’t look that bad.” Eventually you’ll realize this, and then you’ll find a best-friend who doesn’t make you feel like your marriage is something to be ashamed of.

It Doesn’t Always Happen This Way… Does it?

Of course not. It sometimes works out amazingly well. I mean, amazing as in there’s no awkwardness and now you can talk about your relationship all you want, and it’s no big deal.

Right now, the only time it’s worked out is when we told James’ baby sister. She knows. She knows everything about everything we do, and she didn’t even bat an eye. She’s like a rock. And because of this, I feel so much closer to her. I decided that that’s it–she’s family now. She’s my sister, not just my in-law. She’s the coolest chick I know. I enjoy liking her. I enjoy hearing about her day. I enjoy that I can be totally candid with someone for once. I feel utterly protective of her, I love her to death, and if she’s not happy, I’m not happy. It sounds ridiculous, maybe, but because she was the only person I’ve told who reacted in a non-negative way, I feel grateful, relieved, and I actually look forward to it when she comes visiting, like she will next week. She never made any claims that she was open-minded, but her actions speak louder than words.

Though even then I think it worked because she loves her big brother, looks up to him, and she knows that he wouldn’t beat me, that he’s not abusive, and he’s a good guy. I didn’t have to convince her of anything on that account; she’s known him all her life.

Let’s just say it’s easier to get your husband’s friends and family to accept it far, far more than your own. It’s not that you should tell his side BEFORE you come out to your side, it’s that you probably should come out to his side INSTEAD of your side.

I just thought I’d put this post out there for people who know I’m in a DD relationship like them, and they’re filled with a measure of hope because they hate keeping such a major part of their lives hidden from their family and friends, and want to come out about it. They think that because I do spanking work full-time, I must be “out of the closet”.

I hate to kill hope, I can’t give them the advice they want or tell them it’s all gonna end in bubble-gum and lollipops after they just get who they are and what they do off their chests.

You see, I’m a hermit. I almost have no friends anymore, and I do a lot of mysterious conversation-diversion away from myself to avoid talking about anything I do. I allow people to think I’m not successful at all and sit at home all day eating bon-bons and watching television. I lie to a lot of people’s faces, and I tell a lot of half-truths. I hate it, I hate that I have to do that, and I’m lonely most of the time. I go to Spanking Parties just to be “OUT” for a goddamned weekend and feel what it’s like to feel like everyone else does: like they’re not hiding this deep, dark secret. It feels fantastic, but I’m still not going to come out to everyone because I’ve been bitten in the ass a few times by it.

Do I regret DD? To I regret being a spanko? Hell no–I love James. I’d lay down in traffic for James, and James and I wouldn’t have ever even met if we weren’t both spankos who favored DD relationships/lifestyle and wanted it a part of our lives. It’s not a choice, anyway–being a spank-o is built in deep to my genes, and my DD relationship is a key ingredient as to why our relationship is so strong. Without this part of my life, I wouldn’t be ME. For now, I just have to wait, be patient, and hope that my world fills with other people like me or at least like my sis-in-law.

My family has a saying, “If you don’t want a crocodile to come and bite you, don’t hang your ass over them.” So to those of you ladies who want to go for it, allow me to cheer you on. I wish you all the luck in the world, because unfortunately you’re going to need all that luck.

17 Responses to How Far You Can Safely “Come Out”

Thank you so much for your honesty! I think it’s ALWAYS easier to tell strangers and have them accept you than it is for family and close friends about anything that society deems wrong, but as long as there is no abuse and it’s done in love, I don’t have any problems with DD relationships. I am not in one, but I have always felt that the husband would be the head of the household – it is Biblical, after all. If I were in a serious relationship, I would want it to be that way (not sure about the spanking though 🙂 ). I love the fact that things are taken care of and that’s that. No grudges, etc. I hope it gets better for you and your circle of accepting friends grows.

Exactly how I feel, Lisa! I like having everything taken care of and no grudges, etc. A lot of couples tend to fight each other for a long time on pretty ridiculous issues. It’s nice to be able to move wrong, and designating an HoH helps that. Hell, even when I started my own business, James’ and my lawyer said to break up the biz so that one of us held a higher share than the other. Supposedly, perfectly equal relationships don’t work–somebody has to have a little bit more control than the other or else you spend your life in checkmate. 😉 Thanks so much, Lisa. 🙂

I like you. I like what you represent and who you represent, because whether you’re “out” or not, you are an icon for all of us spankos (and especially author spankos) to respect. I write under my own name, so every cocktail party has a few moments when, after being asked what I do, I have to prevaricate about how I chose that sub-genre to explore. People are nosy unless they think you’ll tell them something uncomfortable, even then, some folks will only want to make you look bad.

There are some things, my friend, that aren’t really anybody’s business but your own. As I learned from my days in BDSM organizations, “Don’t squick the normals.” I think you have that well figured out.

Actually, my problem is mostly church-folk from my church, my mother in law and James’ family has three pastors in it, and since his grandfather was a pastor, all of his uncles and aunts are pretty… Against… Spanking in general. They think I’m corrupting the innocent and I’ve been a very bad influence on their son. My parents can never find out for other reasons–dissapointment. They will choose a favorite child, and they’d stop being proud if they knew I wasn’t actually the warrior princesses that they’d hoped I’d be by now.

The problem is that people always say, “What do you do?” Say you’re a writer, they’ll say of what. Say novels, they’ll ask the name of one. Say the name of one, and they’ll pull out their smartphone and look you up so that you can see the horrified expression on their faces. People make a lot of things their business after very innocent conversation beginnings, I’m afraid. James’family was talking around, fresh after me refusing to tell them my companies name and I mentioned 50 Shades of Grey, and they said they thought that was smut. My reply was, “Well, that’s why I won’t tell you what I do. Because 50 shades of Grey is nothing compared to some of the stuff that we publish.” I got a spanking later from James from telling them that, but you get my point. Family’s nice, they just want to know details because they want to know specifically what to be proud of you about… But then again, once they know something, they can’t un-know.

Your comment about “un-knowing” is absolutely right. There are a lot of aspects you have to deal with in regard to family that I don’t have to face. I’m an orphan with only a much older 1/2 brother to deal with. My husband has the same situation. What there is of our families know what we do (and what I write) and choose to totally ignore it as though it was the pile of crap in the room that no one can smell. However, I’ll deal with that rather than have the heavy censure I’d get otherwise. My daughters (adults) both read all my books. I have no real secrets. I’m lucky, I know. Someday, we can discuss the trade offs of the no family pressure situation.

Unfortunately, church folk can be more judgmental than others which is pretty hypocritical(sp?) – no one has a right to look down on another. These people seem to be the ones who must not even read the Bible that they profess to believe! I can’t help but feel sorry for them because it just makes you bitter to live your life like that. (And your face might get a perpetual frown and that just means wrinkles!!!)

Meh, I mean–I’m a church-goer myself. I understand them. Sexuality has always been a hot-button issue in the church, and because people are sexual creatures, of course there’s hypocracy a-bloom. The weird thing is I can’t even see much passage for that. I mean, it says not to covet another man’s wife a few different times, and no adultry, etc, but that’s pretty much it. In fact, they go out of their way in other passages that say that you should enjoy sex in a Christian marriage. In many ways, Christianity is on the leading front of not feeling guilty about sex.

That being said, there’s this unfortunate culture where many Christians think if THEY don’t agree with it, then it must be a sin. It’s extremely frustrating. I’ve had to fight that ideology on the marijuana front as well. I don’t think BDSM has anything wrong with it. I don’t think writing erotica is wrong, either. I think it helps promote a good sexual relationship with your husband while their popular opinion tends to be that I’m putting a bunch of temptation in front of people that will lead women astray… It’s a tough issue. I keep fighting it with my M-i-L. It’s not easy! 😉

Lol, I don’t think it matters how old you get–nobody wants to hear about their parent’s sex life. Urgh; there’s nothing worse. It’s like ear-rape. Once you hear something about your parents sex life, it’s impossible to forget it. I know what position my parents were using when my brother was conceived… And I really, really wish I didn’t know. But you can’t UNhear something. 😉

DD is hard to explain, especially to spankos who aren’t into it. See, I’m a spanko, but I have a low threshold, but still. DD lies beyond my threshold and my tolerance so I hate it. I hate getting a discipline spanking. They’re horrible, they really are. I can’t write about it because nobody will believe I can’t enjoy it. I’m definitely not horny during nor for the rest of the day afterwards, normally, because I’m shaken up. BUT I like that we do it, I like the control my husband’s able to enjoy because of it, and I can’t stand him being angry at me, and spanking sort of dissolves me what I’ve done wrong. We’re able to get over things because of it. Not even James enjoys giving discipline spankings, and he’s a spanko, too, but he doesn’t want to see me in pain… But that being said, even if we weren’t spankos, we’d still be doing DD. I just think we’re happier with James being the head of the household and for him to have a way to keep power and control of the family…. As I said, it’s sort of tough to explain. 😉

How thoughtful of you to share your views in this post. I’m sure it will help lots of people. It is a drag having to hide your identity, and what you do from people. I have kids and my biggest fear is having my teenage stepsons read what I write. When I was writing some things under my a name closer to my own, the realization that they would go look it up and read my work had me so freaked out that I changed my pen name, but still didn’t write a word for three months!

I don’t think I’m really a spanko, but I love me some bondage and that is featured in all my books. I know that most people wouldn’t understand what I write. And yes, people do love to bring other people down. Personally, I don’t like to know too much about my friends’ sex lives. I find myself thinking, “Hush, that’s TMI.” So believe it or not, I don’t talk about that subject often with friends. Lots of my friends from my younger days know about my writing and they aren’t the least bit shocked or concerned. In fact, one said, “I think I predicted this about 20 years ago.” Lol. Go figure.

My dad’s is also a writer, and he tries to actively not know too much about WHAT I write. It’s a hoot trying to discuss certain aspects of writing with him without “going THERE”. We try to have a sense of humor about the whole thing. It can be awkward, but it works.

I’m totally the same way–I don’t really need to know about my friend’s sex lives. I have some friends who want to know every instance of my sex-life, as boring as it is. Sometimes sex lives can be fun when discussed at a spanking conference, but the scene’s sort of set for it. Inhibitions go bye-bye at those things. I don’t know, I guess my day-to-day friends I just think of in a more clean way and therefore, especially since I’m not in college anymore so sex isn’t on my mind 24/7, I just choose not to know.

I don’t think they’re judging me in this case so they can feel better. Well, some do that, but some of my friends are pretty snuggly. They actually are concerned, which I can’t fault them for. I’m sure I get concerned about their own stuff that they’d prefer me not think about twice. Some of their husbands I don’t like I don’t even have to worry about their husbands beating on them. The spanko thing is just like handing your friends a giant club and saying, “There. If you don’t mind, I’d like to be smacked with this club every time you see me.” It’s not like they know the difference between spanking and beating. Hell, hardly anyone outside the BDSM world gets that. One of the reasons I wasn’t spanked as a child was because my parents didn’t know the difference between spanking and abuse, either (which was funny because I was popped in the face a couple of times as a kid because it’s all at the same level to them anyway, but I digress).

You’re lucky you have someone to talk about writing processes with! I’ve got no one in real life that knows how to do it. My husband is just beginning to try his hand at it, though, and that’s fun. 😉

Very well said, Korey. Thanks for sharing with us.
I actually “came out” to my little sister about three weeks ago. I cried and tried to explain,
“I am a spanko”
She laughed, and said she already knew that.
THEN, she read my DD blog.
It took about a week and a half of texts and calls to finally get the matter back on the table.
To say she was confused, shocked, and overwhelmed is an understatement.
Luckily, we were able to talk.
she said she didn’t get it, but that she still loved me and would support me no matter what.
And she promised not to tell anyone else our secret.

That was tough. It hurt having her not understand, even after she had said she could understand anything (like swinging? no problem).
Thankfully, she is a good sister, and is the least non judgmental of all my family and friends.
It will take some time.
Thanks for sharing 🙂

Wow! You are a brave woman! Waiting for you to talk about it again must have had you sitting on pins and needles. Was she worried or just confused? I’m too curious–do you think she worries more about your husband now or do you think she’s digesting it all pretty well or at least understands that this is what you want?

Thanks, Korey! Thankfully she is uber understanding. She doesn’t judge people very often, so as long as she thinks I am emotionally and physically safe, she will come around. For now, she is playing the “If this is what you want…” card, and is supporting me.

Yes, it was veeeeeeeery hard to sit and wait for her reply. I let myself get angry b/c I had hurt feelings, and was afraid she was judging me. phew, thank God she finally called back.
She said she was confused about all of it, and just needed to wrap her mind around all of it.
But she understands that I want this. And as long as I don’t start acting like a robot or a psychotic depressed crazy woman, I think she will continue to not judge. LOL, no pressure there, sais the emotionally charged woman who cries at the drop of a hat. 🙂

I just wanted to tell you how much I love this post. I love it so much because it is so true for many of us who are in a version of DD or any other type of alternate relationship that involves spanking as a disciplinary consequence. Interesting enough I have shared more with my youngest sister (just turned eighteen) then anyone else in my family and she has been the most supportive. Other than that my mil recently got it out of me that I write a form of erotica but I keep playing dodge the pen name with her. I would not feel comfortable with her finding Bratty Addy’s blog. Thank you for being so open and honest with how you handle things ‘away from the computer’. Wish our little community lived closer to each other. 😉

Lol! Oh, the Dodge-the-penname game. It’s my absolute favorite game with my own parents. I, too, had to go out and say I wrote erotica, kinky erotica, and that they’d prefer not knowing (which is totally true).

I actually think that when it comes to DD, our generation is going to be more open-minded about it… At least the spanking bit. Spanking’s sort of come more main-stream than it was for the baby-boomers. That’s my theory, anyway, and I’m sticking to it. We sort of missed the bra-burning days.

BTW–I totally left a path to one of James’ friends’ wives to find out EXACTLY who I was yesterday. I had to spend the morning erasing the more damning DD posts from my blog where their names were mentioned… Eesh. 😉 I’m a dumb-dumb. The beat goes on…