Thursday, March 29, 2012

Enough So We Never Do Anything Anymore

As I'm sure you've probably all heard, the MegaMillions is up to close to a half a billion dollars. Which, in my mind, might as well be a bajillion. It's crazy. And though I know, and it's been hammered into all of our heads, that it's likely a snowball's chance in hell that we'll win, I just thought I should itemize a list of expenditures now.

I'm not talking about things like paying off debt, buying a house, a new car, etc. That stuff will of course be taken care of first. If you win $476,000,000, you could pretty much live on interest alone. Which means you'd have lots of leftover money for fun things. And by "you," I of course mean "Sarah."

1. Interstate Skybucket System.

Oh, I'd much rather take a skybucket almost anywhere I needed to go. There would be stops, different stations. Think of it as a new wave of public transportation. Only by "public," I mean "Sarah."

2. Hire a roving band of Mariachi for a day.

Just think about how much more festive everything would be!

3. Buy one of those double decker tour busses.

And then! I would create my OWN tour. There could be the Tour of Bad Decisions, in which we drive past my ex's house and I point out the hideous things I went through. Heckling would be encouraged, though I would put the kibosh on vandalism. I'm not bitter or anything. Or there could be the Barhopping Tour of the South Bay. Think of how much more fun a pub crawl would be if you had the bus!

4. Eliminate Huell Howser.

Wow, that would be AMAYZING!!!

5. Hire Robert Palmer dancers to follow me around for a day.

Not to coincide with Mariachi Day, naturally.

6. Follow Tom Jones around on tour.

I'm a band-aid. We inspire the music, we ARE the music. It's all happening!

7. Buy an island across from the one Tom Cruise owns. Position cannons.

Who wants to play pirate? Arrrrgh!

8. Rent Disneyland for a day.

I could invite almost everyone I know, and still it would be the least crowded day ever. And I bet they would let me ride Big Thunder twice or more in a row! And churros for all!

9. Create an enormous Bail fund.

Enough said.

10. Call Mitt Romney. Laugh at his financial woes. Ask if his toilet is still running. And if he has Prince Albert in the can.

11. Carry a glass of red wine with me at all times. Swirl it around and act important.

12. Create an evil weather machine.

13. Roll around in money at least once a day. Never tell anyone it's actually just Monopoly money, because real money is filthy.