He claimed to be all that and more, but it’s really only important to remember one role: He’s the World Champion.

Friedlander, along with Matt Braunger, Jermaine Fowler and Josh Rabinowitz, performed at the College Union Board’s Comedy Central on Campus Tour on the Kendall Hall Main Stage on Saturday, Sept. 15.

If the students in the audience were looking for the chance to sit back, relax and enjoy the show in relative anonymity, they were out of luck — Friedlander’s routine was largely interactive, and no one within his line of vision was safe.

“No boys tonight? World Champion’s here for you,” he reassured a group of girls in the front row before beginning his routine, which predominantly revolved around his campaign for presidency. Watch out, Obama and Romney, because the World Champ had some pretty definite ideas of how to turn this country around.

Gay marriage? Mandatory, with Friedlander insisting that any man who wanted to marry a woman had to first have sex with a man. Debt? Invade the countries we’re indebted to, of course, making it then legally America’s money. Job creation? Friedlander wants to move the midwest to somewhere above Canada, bringing California and New Jersey within a 20-minute train ride of each other. It’s a big project that’ll require lots of workers, perfect for the abysmal unemployment rate.

One member of the audience asked him if he would lower the drinking age, to which he replied that he would lower it not to 18, but to 3. “If you’re old enough
to get laid, you’re old enough to party,” Friedlander rationalized.

Just don’t accuse him of “running” for president.

When asked about his campaign in an interview before the show, he replied, “I’m not running for president. I’m standing for president. Running means you’re scared. I’m not scared.”

If nothing else, Friedlander should be able to rest assured that he’ll have the female vote (and 10 percent of the male vote) if his stories about his sexual prowess are to be believed. In an interview, he revealed, “Sometimes I’ll be walking down the street, before you know it there’s like 30 chicks surrounding me, and a couple of dudes … When I do comedy, I actually have to tone down my sexuality, otherwise people wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the show.”

Friedlander assured the audience that he does have to put some work into his sex life. “It’s not all about a huge cock and perfect balls,” he explained. “You need strategy.” That strategy? “Location, location, penetration,” according to Friedlander. Take notes, boys.

Not everyone can live such a charmed life, though. Braunger and Rabinowitz both admitted to needing a little more help with the ladies. After an inspired performance of a Britney Spears song at a karaoke bar, Braunger confessed that he replied to a woman’s compliment by saying, “Thanks a lot. Where do you live?” Creepy, yes, but maybe not as creepy as Rabinowtiz’s story about how, when asked at his college orientation if he could go back in time and change something, he decided that he would return to the sixth grade and kiss his 12-year-old crush. Rather than think this was heartwarming, his classmates labeled him a “time-traveling pedophile.” Maybe the World Champ can give them some advice.

Romantic flops aside, the three opening comedians were more than capable of stepping out of Friedlander’s very long shadow. Braunger regaled the audience with his tales of drunken bingo and acid-laced clown pub crawls. A regular Mister Manners, he lectured on party etiquette (“If you don’t throw up on yourself, you can stay. You’re an example now.”) and strip club etiquette, something he believes women lack. Not that it’s entirely their fault, as Braunger believes women’s strip clubs don’t cater to what their audience really wants. His solution? Give the women a more romantic setting (he suggests “Autumn … in Vermont”) and maybe a hunky young mechanic who happens to lose his overalls while fixing a broken down truck. Obviously Braunger has put a lot of thought into this.

Fowler and Rabinowitz, though newer to the stage than the veterans they preceded, more than held their own with the crowd. Fowler talked about life with his twin brother, Jerome, who he would constantly get confused for. Because Jerome was a drug dealer, however, this confusion was often less about wacky hijinks and more about trying to avoid people Jerome owed money to.

Fowler also joked that, when he got bad grades as a kid, his dad would take him for drives to look at crackheads on the street, threatening that if he didn’t shape up he would end up like them, “doing drugs and sucking dicks.” In print this seems more horrifying than funny, but Fowler’s upbeat attitude turned even the most serious situation into a joke.

Rabinowitz, a graduate of the University of Pennsylvania in 2010, joked about his college life and attempts to be cool, with little success. In an interview, when asked what his most embarrassing college moment was, he said, “One time I emailed a girl asking her to be my girlfriend. I emailed her that three times, and she said no all three times. I guess my advice would be if at first you don’t succeed at something, just quit immediately … Don’t persevere. Just quit, just lay down.”