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Saturday, October 18, 2014

How Soon Is "Too Soon" To Be Physically Intimate?

Dear Tazi:

Try as I might, I can’t seem to meet a nice guy who wants a
commitment. I am in my twenties, and am ready to settle down with one person,
hopefully getting married and have kids by the time I am thirty, so as you can
see I cannot afford to waste any time.

I have tried various ways to meet people, from bars and clubs
to online dating sites, but it seems like the guys I meet are only window
shopping and looking for free samples, if you get my meaning. It has reached
the point that I have started holding out to the second or even third date
before having sex, but the guys still don’t stick around. I am starting to
think that it is me, like maybe I am bad in bed or too clingy after sex.

My friends have all told me that I am expecting way too much
far too early. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that once two people have sex
they are considered to be a couple. The men I have seen have all been the first
to initiate sex, so it is not like I am offering it up with no expectations of
a future relationship. I think calling them the next day if they don’t call me
is not inappropriate, but my friends all tell me my “clinginess” is what is
chasing men away. Who would you say is right, me or my friends?

Signed,

Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used:

While there is no set timetable as to when carnal relations
should commence, not everyone feels as you do that having sex with someone –
for the first time or the hundredth time – makes them your significant other.
Sometimes, like it or not, you are seen as a casual encounter.

Since you are unable to separate sex from commitment, I
would advise that you hold off on the heavy physical involvement until you are
certain where things stand with the next man you start seeing. Take your time
to get to know each other on a less (physically) intimate level and work at
getting to know each other and whether or not you are compatible as a couple. I
do not know if you are sending out signals that you want to have sex, but
should a man try to initiate it there are polite ways to disentangle yourself
and explain that you would prefer to wait until you know each other a little
better.

If holding out sexually is not to your preference, you will
have to do as your friends suggest and ease up on the “clinginess”, as well as
expect fewer callbacks for dates. Some men are, as you suggest, looking for “free
samples” and once the challenge of attaining it is over so is any connection
between the two of you. As a (neutered) tomcat, I can tell you that few men
will turn down sex when they think there are no strings attached!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.