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Topic: To share or not ... that is the question (Read 92505 times)

I think I must be the oddball when it comes to blankets draped over the back or the arm of the couch. I've always assumed that they were there for decoration when staying at someone else's house, and haven't touched them. I would have been annoyed to the point of seething if a guest used my blanket without asking if I minded, or finished off my headache pills. Then again, I'm oddly territorial when it comes to 'my' things, and I probably would have said nothing and put what I didn't want touched in my room.

I agree, communication is key. If you ask her nicely not to do something, and she continues, then there is a problem.

To clarify: This is my home. Everything is in my name and I own the furniture, kitchen equipment, well.... everything in the unit. Lodger pays to use her room and en-suite bathroom but shares the kitchen and living area with me and my son. She owns nothing that we share. According to local law, I can make the rules for the house and a lodger virtually has little rights. Lodgers can be asked to move out without notice, not that I would do that). So as Nyachan said, it is a business relationship, friendly but nonetheless a business relationship. The pill issue had been handled tactfully (thanks e-hell ) when I discovered that they were all gone!

So, 'my' blanket: It is folded and left over the arm on the sofa. When I saw my lodger using it I was perturbed as she had it tucked around her feet and way up around her face. I don't know why I feel like this, but it is like she is being too personal with it .... sorry, can't explain my rationale any better.

Now, after reading the replies so far, am I acting in a PA way by moving the blanket and only bringing it to the living room while I'm wanting to watch TV, so she doesn't have access to it. Part of me says it's OK not to share BUT another part is saying don't be petty .

Any further advice guys?

As a knitter and crocheter who assigns a high value to such items....

The fact that it is lying on the arm of the sofa makes it as much fair game as the sofa itself.

Lodger spilt water on the kitchen floor and proceeded to wipe it up with the tea towel. Gross!

I think that might be a personal issue. I do the same thing - and then it goes into the washer. Since I know it's going to be sufficiently clean after I wash it - and my floor isn't that dirty - I've never had a problem with it.

If she'd put it back on the counter to be used, that's a different story. But you didn't say that happened.

Glad it's not just me--my tea towels land on the floor, then in the hamper, on a regular basis.

As do I.If there's a tea towel that has been used a few times and I spill something on the floor, I use the partly dirty towel to wipe up the spill and then toss it in the wash.Also, as a general rule, I have 2 or 3 towels out at once. One for drying dishes, one for drying freshly washed fruits and veggies, and one for wiping my hands (rather than washing all 3 every week, the hand and fruit towels gets washed and the dish drying towel becomes the new hand towel).

OP, it does sound a little bit like you're nitpicking, but it also sounds like this lodger is new and you're both getting used to each other. For that reason, I think it is good to politely address situations that bother you as they arise as you have been doing. All the situations that you have mentioned sound like they are just small differences in lifestyle.

We have an exchange student and sometimes my daughter gets annoyed when she uses stuff that is out in the common area. I tell her if you don't want her to use it, put it in your room. For the specific blankie issue, my daughter has a snuggie and our student was using it. Our solution was to get student her own snuggie.

We use tea towels on the floor and then throw in the wash all the time. I don't think you should just assume she sees it as gross too or that she has noticed what type of rags you use when cleaning.

On the heater, as a lodger I'd be rather put out that you kept the heat at an "economical" level to the point that required me to wear extra clothing. Or that you felt it any of your business what I wear in my bedroom.

I don't think your the evil landlady, but I do think you just assume others have very similar habits as yourself and are unwilling to clearly communicate your preferred rules.

Just in these posts, you've:-Hinted about her not using your throw-Assumed she pays attention to your cleaning regiment instead of saying "I store rags here and want them used on the floor only. I don't want tea towels used on floor."-Assumed that she understood that you intentionally keep the heat low and that it wasn't just her room that was kept at a level requiring me to wear a sweater or sleep in additional clothing.

I don't think that you are nit-picking, in that I think your concerns are valid ones, but I do think you need to communicate more clearly and directly.

I get that 'just mentioning' things feels less 'naggy' than coming out and saying it, but at the same time I think it runs the risk of the other person not remermbering, or not realising thow importnat the issue was to you.

The heater issue you seem to have manged well - you agreed to her request, told her what the conditions were, and she has chosen to try a different solution, which is fine.

The tea-towel - I think you need to speak directly. "I noticed that you'd mopped up using the tea towel - I appreciate you clearing up your spill and I realize that in an emergency it's natural to use the thing nearest, but I really don't like having tea-towels / clothes used on surfaces used on the floor. I'm sorry, I probably didn't explain that before. The mop / floor cloths are kept here . New washing up clothes are here." you can also take the opportunity to tell her any other routines you have (e.g. do clothes used for wiping kitchen surfaces become floor clothes when they are past their prime, or do you colour code and never mix the two? Do you want her to tell you / add a note to the shopping list on the fridge if she takes the last cloth out of the package? Are cleaning clothes for the bathroom stored there or in the kitchen, and do you have any rules / preferences about them?)

And consider asking your lodger for suggestions - she may have preferences too, and a little bit of give-and-take might make it easier for both of you- you'll feel less like you are nagging, and it gives her the chance to raise it f there are any things which are irritating her.

I'd just get a cheap soft blankie to keep in the living room and keep your special one in your room. That's what I do in my house with my favorite blankets that I don't want the kiddos to dribble juice on, etc.

How much would a small space heater only used in the mornings add to the electric bill?

Would you charge extra if she used a blow dryer or curling/flat iron in the mornings? What about a computer or an alarm clock?

Was there a discussion about how many things she could have plugged in?

I agree. In all honesty, I wouldn't have even asked you about the space heater, I would assume that I was ok to plug in whatever I wanted (within reason).

I hate sharing accommodation with others (apart from my husband, obviously), really hate it, because I like my own space and my own things and I like to have things the way I like them - e.g. my house is well heated (22/23 degrees C) because I hate being cold. But the fact is that, when you're sharing a home with others, you have to give and take. You can't control everything that they do. If you like her, on balance, you need to cut her some slack. If, on balance, you think you can find a lodger who would be a better fit, do that. But you can't keep nit picking every single thing she says or does, it won't end well.

I don't say this to be critical - I really do understand that it's not easy to share space with others.

How much would a small space heater only used in the mornings add to the electric bill? It really depends on the model and what "Just in the mornings" means, too. But It could add up to quite a bit. And the OP says with this lodger that if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile, so there is a potential for it to be more than "Just mornings".

Would you charge extra if she used a blow dryer or curling/flat iron in the mornings? What about a computer or an alarm clock? I would have told her that she is responsible for any increase in the utilities and be done with it. But yes, if she caused a significant increase in my bill she'd be the one paying it.

Was there a discussion about how many things she could have plugged in? This might be a good thing to do, with your other expectations.

I also feel like you are nitpicking with his lodger. If her being there bothers you, why not just ask her to leave. With notice, of course.

And consider asking your lodger for suggestions - she may have preferences too, and a little bit of give-and-take might make it easier for both of you- you'll feel less like you are nagging, and it gives her the chance to raise it f there are any things which are irritating her.

In all honesty, I wouldn't have even asked you about the space heater, I would assume that I was ok to plug in whatever I wanted (within reason).

I have to be completely honest. I wouldn't have asked, either. The amount of energy it would take would be so negligible that it wouldn't have occurred to me that I'd need to ask permission.

It'd be the same as asking if I could use my curling iron in the morning. The energy requirement would be the same, and it wouldn't even occur to me that someone would have a problem with it.

ETA: Just saw the post asking about a fan in the summer. Same thing. In fact, because where I am, that would be a more likely scenario than needing a heater, I can respond to it more easily. I can, absolutely guarantee I wouldn't ask for permission to use something like that in my room. I'd see that as a necessity and wouldn't ask permission to use it. I'd see that as part of the need to live in your home. If you're choosing to keep the temp at a certain spot all the time, it could be that I'd need to supplement to be comfortable in my own space - my own room. I wouldn't ask you to change the temp that you like to have in your house, but I would find it necessary to do what I could to at least have one area in the place that was a comfortable temp for me as well.

In all honesty, I wouldn't have even asked you about the space heater, I would assume that I was ok to plug in whatever I wanted (within reason).

I have to be completely honest. I wouldn't have asked, either. The amount of energy it would take would be so negligible that it wouldn't have occurred to me that I'd need to ask permission.

It'd be the same as asking if I could use my curling iron in the morning. The energy requirement would be the same, and it wouldn't even occur to me that someone would have a problem with it.

ETA: Just saw the post asking about a fan in the summer. Same thing. In fact, because where I am, that would be a more likely scenario than needing a heater, I can respond to it more easily. I can, absolutely guarantee I wouldn't ask for permission to use something like that in my room. I'd see that as a necessity and wouldn't ask permission to use it. I'd see that as part of the need to live in your home. If you're choosing to keep the temp at a certain spot all the time, it could be that I'd need to supplement to be comfortable in my own space - my own room. I wouldn't ask you to change the temp that you like to have in your house, but I would find it necessary to do what I could to at least have one area in the place that was a comfortable temp for me as well.

Yeah, the only time I would ask about something like that is if it's specified in the lease -- I've seen some that state the tenant must ask before adding appliances such as heaters, window air conditioners, small fridges, dehumidifiers, etc. If it's not in the lease, it's usually fair game. The lodger was being pretty considerate in checking with you.

In all honesty, I wouldn't have even asked you about the space heater, I would assume that I was ok to plug in whatever I wanted (within reason).

I have to be completely honest. I wouldn't have asked, either. The amount of energy it would take would be so negligible that it wouldn't have occurred to me that I'd need to ask permission.

It'd be the same as asking if I could use my curling iron in the morning. The energy requirement would be the same, and it wouldn't even occur to me that someone would have a problem with it.

ETA: Just saw the post asking about a fan in the summer. Same thing. In fact, because where I am, that would be a more likely scenario than needing a heater, I can respond to it more easily. I can, absolutely guarantee I wouldn't ask for permission to use something like that in my room. I'd see that as a necessity and wouldn't ask permission to use it. I'd see that as part of the need to live in your home. If you're choosing to keep the temp at a certain spot all the time, it could be that I'd need to supplement to be comfortable in my own space - my own room. I wouldn't ask you to change the temp that you like to have in your house, but I would find it necessary to do what I could to at least have one area in the place that was a comfortable temp for me as well.

Yeah, the only time I would ask about something like that is if it's specified in the lease -- I've seen some that state the tenant must ask before adding appliances such as heaters, window air conditioners, small fridges, dehumidifiers, etc. If it's not in the lease, it's usually fair game. The lodger was being pretty considerate in checking with you.

This is kind of where I fall with the heater issue. I really can't imagine how you would even actually know what the resultant increase in electricity would be as it seems like it would be small enough to just fall into regular fluctuation. But based on terminology, I get the impression the OP is from outside the US so perhaps the electricity situation is different there? i would more want to be asked about someone having a heater for safety reasons, not monetary ones. As a landlord that would be my possible concern about a space heater.

As to the original blanket question, I actually would never use a blanket without asking. But I don't think there is any problem either telling a tenant that the blanket is for your own use or putting it in your room. (I would probably do the former as I'm lazy. heh.) It sounds like you covered that issue already though although in a still kind of round-about fashion, if I read it correctly. I think I would probably just say "Oh, I forgot to mention, we kind of have our "own" blankets and that one is mine. A little household quirk! Feel free to leave your own blanket out here though!" I really can't imagine most people getting upset about that.

I would have been bugged by the headache tablet though.

Oh and we totally use dish clothes on the floor - that's the last part of their cycle. First is just to dry nice clean dishes. Second is to dry off counters. Last stop to the washer is being used on the floor.

« Last Edit: April 24, 2013, 12:08:20 PM by Eeep! »

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