TY - JOUR
T1 - Ginger or Mary Ann? Time to Choose, Professor
JF - Hospital Pediatrics
JO - hosppeds
SP - 58
LP - 61
DO - 10.1542/hpeds.2013-0051
VL - 4
IS - 1
AU - VanBlarcom, Jeffrey Robert
Y1 - 2014/01/01
UR - http://hosppeds.aappublications.org/content/4/1/58.abstract
N2 - Television is bad.1–78 Television is sinisterness wrapped in evil surrounded by bad.79–119 Nowadays one cannot even find the switch to turn such a device on without a flashlight and some tweezers. Unless of course you have the remote, but that is nowhere to be found and has an array of buttons that would intimidate all who are not familiar with such an array and some of those who push those same buttons on a daily basis. Television is the sole cause of obesity and bilious temper in children and all depravities in adults, leading to the notion that television should be cornered, beaten, and shot in a dark alley or maybe just corralled and put in a cage for circus or museum viewing. We, at the Hospital for Children Who Do Not Feel So Well, have decided to address this ubiquitous challenge to healthy living in a novel, unique, and wholly unprecedented manner. We have been thinking outside the box, aligning our objectives with our core competencies, going forward in a value-added way, going off the beaten path to pick some high-hanging fruit, and demonstrating ownership of this onerous axis-of-evil-in-itself, while not harming the business interests of our friends in the entertainment industry. It has become possible, through new technology developed by a joint venture of ourselves and Mysterious Incorporation X, a company in which we have an almost undetectable financial interest, and funding from numerous foundations of spotless repute and generous nature, to slow the spinning of the earth to lengthen each and every day, allowing time for a goodly amount of television viewing in addition to other more high-minded pursuits. We intend to show what effects television has on children once and for all. This article highlights our efforts and heaps more glory upon our Glorious …
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