Thursday, 17 April 2014

It is human nature to get angry. We
find ourselves filling with frustration and before we know it the
sparks are flying. A little irritation can easily become a
conflagration, but we have more power than we think to keep the fire
from starting. How? By cultivating neutrality.

Neutrality, as I'm describing it, is
the decision to take a mental step to one side and just observe
what's happening. It's akin to taking the car out of gear and
putting it into neutral while taking a split second to decide what
action to take.

I remember well the first time I was
able to do this consciously. I was scrutinising the contents of the refrigerator when
my son, who was about two-years-old at the time, toddled up to me in
tears of frustration. My normal response in this situation was to
get as frustrated (and then angry) as he was because I felt unable to
decipher what he needed or wanted. It was an all-too typical
scenario: frustrated/tired/angry child mirrored by a
frustrated/tired/angry mom.

But this time, for no particular
reason, something was different. I looked down at my boy and knew
that I could either be irritated by his neediness or compassionate.
I knelt down on the floor so that we were eye to eye and opened my
arms to him. He fell in, sobbing. I was soon in tears myself as I
realised how easily I could have gotten angry with him for
“interrupting” my task of figuring out what to have for dinner.
We had a cuddle until we both felt better and then he went off to
play while I prepared to cook.

Experiencing the power of staying neutral was thrilling – like discovering a super power I didn't know I had. It was a seismic shift from my normal reactiveness, and from that day forward I began
to connect more and more regularly with this “neutral space." I often feel as
if I'm “standing beside myself” observing the action and waiting
to see what will happen. I can't always do it, particularly if I'm in a foul mood myself, but, like exercising a muscle, the ability gets stronger with repetition.

My son is now 11, and when he is angry
or frustrated and directing it at me (especially while doing his
homework!) I am usually able to hold my centre and let him feel what
he's feeling until it passes. No fighting; no retaliation. Even if
it means taking a few insults on the chin, he always apologises once
he comes back to his senses, and our bond is stronger than ever.

The next time you feel the heat rising in you, try taking a moment to let it wash over you while holding
your centre. It may help to imagine you are like sea kelp anchored to the ocean
floor: emotions are waves; the waves gently sway you but do not have
the strength to uproot you. If you can do it even once, the vicious cycle of anger/reaction can be broken. It may not beat flying, but it's a pretty cool superpower to cultivate.