John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Other issues are distracting, but your primary task is dealing with your broken heart. (Published 10/4/16)

Q:

Our dad died two months ago, and mom has a "new" boyfriend. We suspect she was seeing him while my dad was sick. How do we accept him? I know there's no amount of time to grieve, but is there too short of a time? Right now, I'm angry at my mom and can't seem to shake the fact that within six weeks, the new guy was already spending nights at her house. I can't even put into words my anger! Help!

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Heather,

Thanks for your note and questions.

Sticky wicket. Never easy to deal with this kind of situation — especially with one of your own parents.

Part of the problem is that there’s a host of missing information. Most likely you’re right, and she was already seeing the other fellow while your dad was still alive.

If that’s true, another open question is, how long had she been seeing him? The reason that question has meaning is that for your mom, the “relationship” with your dad may have been over for some time, possibly even predating his illness.

The problem within the problem is the probability that your mom is not going to be forthcoming with what is true for her. Not now, and not likely ever.

The other problem is that you may have to accept the reality that mom’s not going to take you or any other family member into her confidence.

You’re right: This is not about time, either too little or too much. It’s probably about something else that you may not know.

We assume that you’re hurt by her actions, based on your love and feelings for your dad, and if that’s true, it makes sense. And that’s not to say that you don’t have feelings for your mom, beyond the anger you feel.

Our concern for you has less to do with what your mom is and isn’t doing than it has to do with what you need to do to become emotionally complete with your father who died. We don’t want your mom’s behavior, no matter what her reasons are, to distract you from your primary task of dealing with your broken heart over your dad’s death. After all, it is still a raw wound for you, even though he may have been ill for a while, and possibly even expected.

We are not saying that your mom’s behavior doesn’t affect your emotions relative to your dad. You will also need to grieve and complete your relationship to the pain you feel based on your limited awareness of your mom’s reasons and actions.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy ofThe Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it, and take the actions it outlines. As you do the work it outlines, you’ll feel a shift. We don’t know if you’ll want to interact with your mom or not; that will be your choice. But until you do the completion work, it will be difficult for you to honestly make a choice one way or another.