Saturday, August 13, 2005

Shuttle Columbia: The Real Story

My girlfriend put a somewhat misleading version of events on her blog the other day. I am referring to the Space Shuttle Columbia performing a fly by of our apartment and my self defense reaction she described. I think I need to correct the misinformation. You should read HER LIES before continuing. Remember, no matter what shes says about me, it is a dirty, bald-faced, lie and she should be ashamed.

...Now that you are back I can really tell you what occurred.

On the balmy morning of August 9th, shortly after 5AM, not one, but two blasts rocked our apartment. It turned out, as I would find out later, that the Shuttle Columbia had been redirected to land at Edward's Air Force base rather than risk the bad weather brewing in Florida. The blasts were sonic booms made as the shuttle slows for landing.

My Account:

Upon hearing the first blast I instinctively opened my eyes. I looked over and saw that my girlfriend was still asleep. She had not even stirred. I could tell because the drool puddle collected in her pillow was like glass. There was not a single ripple on the surface. Glistening stringers of saliva were still rythmically cascading down to the floor, to the delight of the cats, who gleefully swung at them like two kids in a batting cage. Despite the amusing scene I remained focused. The second blast ignited my cat-like reflexes. My first thought: terrorists.

Now, looking back, you could say that I over reacted, but at that moment I was in survival mode. I jumped over my girlfriend to protect her from flying shrapnel. You see, she isn't lying about one thing, our walls are really made out of tissue paper and every time the neighbors start making passionate farm like noises this fact becomes painfully evident. Suddenly, she awoke in a panic and saw me laying over her. She immediately thought I was trying to have sex. When this happens 99% of the time she just complains about some random pain (head ache, stomach ache, hair ache, etc.) but for some reason, that morning she tried to head butt me.(I like to think it must have been the extra adrenaline coursing through her veins!) I threw my hands over my face to protect myself from the potentially lethal blow. Unfortunately, her eye connected with my fist. My life was spared, but all the bones in my left hand were shattered. So with that I leave my dear readers.