Advice On Sexual Healing

I was young and new to LA. Scouted by a man to do modeling. Was invited to his yacht in Marina Del Rey to “take photos for my portfolio”. I was naive. I was manipulated/convinced that I had to have nude photos in order to be “assessed”, and also was touched to be “assessed”. It wasn’t forced or violent, but I did feel violated. I let myself be because I felt that was the only way… but I realized there had to be another way, and I wanted no part in it.

No photos were taken, and I had no career… and I’m grateful that I didn’t go down that road. Not all are as fortunate, sadly. I made my choice, I knew the innuendos, and the photographer is not too blame. But it does illustrate perfectly the “bargaining” that’s made in the “industry”, in all ways.

* * *

When I was six, I convinced another girl to let me touch her in private. Nothing forced or crude or mean, just a chance to explore something that seemed shameful. We learn our “privates” are to be ashamed of at an early age.

I don’t know if it was traumatic for her or not. I think curiosity is good, but I knew I taught her shame. That was the abuse; that I made her keep it a secret like it was wrong. I was scared, I had no context for it, our parents would just shame us more. We lose our innocence from the shame, not the body.

* * *

I want to address two things:

First, hurt people hurt people.

It’s not a “men are all rapists” thing. Manipulation and abuse does not align to gender. If you’re playing battle of the sexes, you’re already losing. Show me a man who hates women or woman who hates men, and I’ll show you a miserable, self-loathing person. It’s a con, you’re being duped. We’re on the same team, men and women. There’s a lot of bad apples, but the orchard is beautiful.

Why do things like this really happen?

If we are taught powerlessness, we feel like we must take power for ourselves – or live without. Bitterness and aggressiveness are used to channel the pain. This is where rape or comes from. It’s also where using sex to get what you want comes from. Different side of the same coin; evolutionary strategies of the genders.

I was rejected most of my early life by women… at least in my head I was. But I chose to better myself and heal, rather than attack and steal. However, I do understand part of the pain many of these men who have felt the need to take from women.

I think many of these men at some point loved women, and then were denied, grew bitter and hateful, and let evil grow inside of them, unable to cope with the pain and powerlessness. We see this story in the movie Maleficent. Inexcusable action, and I also see the suffering they were dealing with and went on to spread to another.

Secondly, we are taught shame.

Sexual shame and repression is a huge part of the collective shadow. A lot of these transgressions don’t occur at the same scale in non-puritanical cultures. They’re in relationship with it.

When we are taught sex is shameful and wrong, we hide these experiences because we make it mean something about our innocence. When we’re abused we take it personally, and we fear even more repercussions from society. It’s a horrid double standard.

This is why it’s so healing for all these people to speak up, even if in anger or resentment. We can’t make new choices and heal until we look at what we’ve been suppressing. Yes, it’s all awful. And what a wonderful opportunity for so many to heal and speak.

I recognise your pain and courage, and that this can be tender for you… and still:

I encourage you to find the path of compassion, rather than joining in on the ugliness and hatred.

I encourage you to use your trauma as a source of strength, wisdom, and light, rather that letting it rule you in the darkness of suffering.

I encourage you to find and reclaim your own power, rather than continue to blame and give it away.

I encourage you to feel everything you don’t want to feel, to not judge it, and love yourself regardless of what happened to you. And live your life in freedom.

I encourage you to take the unpopular path into your truth, rather than the false safety of an angry mob.

You can either be happy or right.

There are millions of loving men and women in the world trying to love each other, and we can either shut our hearts down and dim our lights, or be a lighthouse for truth and love. No matter what has been done to you, there is nothing wrong with you and you are still lovable. Your only job is to let go of any story that gets in the way of that. I care more of your current freedom and joy, and the life ahead.

As a remarkable lover, you are not responsible for how your partner feels. You are, however, responsible for showing up in a way that engenders it. That is only what is in your control, and where your focus should lie.

How do you know where the healing is needed? Look for the pattern. If nobody feels comfortable around you, then it’s probably something you can shift. If your partner never feels safe around anyone, it’s probably something they need to shift.

The most trusting, loving woman will never feel safe around a man who is abusive, violent, and disrespectful. And the most insecure, masochistic, and paranoid woman will never feel safe around the most kind and gentle man.

Character trumps tactic.

I can go to places sexually and spiritually with women in ways most men never get to see, because I see women in ways most men don’t.

I get miraculous results with my clients because I show up in a way that other coaches don’t, and my clients are willing to look at things most people aren’t.

Technique is essential, but the least essential. Your character will shadow over any ‘skills’ you have, and may make or break their effectiveness.

I’ll be honest…

This post really has nothing to do with sex.

It is about understanding that who you are and how you move through the world acts as a catalyst—a door, a permission slip—for people to show up for themselves in a profound way.

And if you can facilitate that because of who you are, you will naturally be fulfilled yourself. But if you have an agenda or are pretending to be a certain quality to get something… not gonna happen.

This requires healing and becoming honest about your intentions and needs.

Become a clearer channel of remarkable character, create a space that fosters remarkable behavior, and create an invitation to remarkable generosity—and all the sexual and financial fulfillment you could desire is available to you.

Our media and culture has been hijacked. It views men as predators, rapists, pigs, wimps or jerks, clueless, sex-fiends, and void of compassion. It views women as victims, sluts, objects, bitches, sexually-uninterested, and weak. It takes the actions of a handful of people and generalizes out to stereotype billions.

…and then advertisements sell us the opposite image.

Good men and women are becoming paralyzed to express their heart’s desire out of fear of being seen these ways. Masculine men are seen as outdated and dangerous. Feminine women are seen as outdated and weak. They are told to be ashamed for who they are: fat, skinny, white, black, too sexual, too prude, straight, gay, too passive, too aggressive, dominate, submissive, old fashioned, liberal… ad nauseam.

You can’t win – and it’s designed that way.

The media sensationalizes. It thrives off of dramatic emotional conflicts, focuses on placing blame and fault, encourages complaining, and manufactures confusion. It keeps people in a state of stress, fear, and distrust.

When it comes to having an incredible sex life and reaping the perks of being a remarkable lover, things like orgasms, ecstatic pleasure, dirty talk, profound love and connection, fantasy-fulfillment, the psychology of arousal, the art of seduction, etc. tend to get all the glory. The acquisition of new sexual secrets and ancient techniques dazzle us with pleasure and tease us with potential fulfillment.

Conversations around health and the healing of traumas, declaring a call-to-arms on facing our demons, and getting messy with feelings… doesn’t sound nearly as glamourous, does it?

The truth no guru wants to tell (sell) you, and this comes from personal and professional experience of nearly a decade, is that sexual healing is by far the most critical area to focus on if you want to have any substantial success. Not rock-hard erections, not the world’s best blowjob, not ancient tantric secrets—but healing.

Imagine not having to “just accept” that you’re shy and insecure, but to actually become confident and open as a person. Imagine not having to “deal” with your fears and “issues” everyday, but rather to address them once and never live with them again. Imagine not forcing yourself to do things you don’t like in bed that you’d like to like, but instead being able to discover the block and let it go, allowing your natural enjoyment to surface.

"Hi, I'm Drew Gerald, and this is where I share my free sex advice, books & courses, and relationship coaching for empowering men and women to be better lovers through holistic sex. Read the Philosophy page to learn about my approach."

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Disclaimer: Legal, loving, sexual activity between mutually consenting adults is implied. All testimonials are real and your own results will vary. Drew Gerald is not a doctor, and all "advice" is solely the author's own opinion for educational purposes.