ayu's DIARY: 9/11/2009 - 10/11/2009

"Tsuyosa wo Kudasai. (Strength please.)"9 November 2009 5:44 AM

I said that in a CM for a drink back in the day.♪With a wounded face, unkempt short blond hair, and a bandage stuck on my nose.In the background, "moshimo tatta hitotsu dake negai ga kanau nara~*" is playing~, ah, the old days.At the time, I was... 22 years old!! Daaannggg. lolI know what you're thinking, what's with this talk all of a sudden? Well today, Minazo has a bandage like that on his nose, in the same spot.When we saw it, me and Bancho both reacted to it at exactly the same time, saying "Strength Please!!!"We're so bad. lol.Back then, I felt like I did nothing but hurt people who were important to me.I probably didn't practice what I was preaching regarding strength.As for how I am now... I think I started understanding the meaning of "strength" a long time ago, at least more than the me in that commercial. But by my own measure, of course.Only someone who notices all the small wounds, pains, and cries, only someone who can face that without turning their eyes away, really has the strength of living.Becoming strong is definitely not something to be taken lightly.On top of everything I've understood, today again I had thoughts that the face of an important person to me is something I'll absolutely always hold fast to, until the very end.I would do anything to that effect.And to that effect, Pino-san likewise has such a curious face.

Papico helps out in the fine art of totem pole creation.

But, of course, regardless of what I say, they would always rather be next to each other.They'll always want to be next to each other.

Isn't that right? <3

Love ya, loves <3

*"If you could only have one wish granted...", lyrics from "NEVER EVER".

Seriously,10 November 2009 7:32 AM

the night was a long one~.What a day, it was still dark at 5:30 this morning~.The sun came up about fifteen minutes later though.I thought I'd be grateful for such a long night since I've been working, but I was all alone in my house so I was thinking, "please hurry up and come, morning!"... I'm kinda waffling on whether night is good or bad, huh? lolSo anyway, even though it was the middle of the night, it's natural for me to pass through this sort of scenery.

If you really look, and if you really think about it, Tokyo is amazing.This is a city that never sleeps, too.And we have to survive in our own concrete jungle today!!Yesterday, my guide post to live, a very very important person, saw "This Is It" and sent me an e-mail with their thoughts.And because of it... I really need to work hard!!!!

Everyone...10 November 2009 10:08 PM

This morning, when I wrote "very very important person," a strangely high amount of you sent me your feelings on that. A number of you were in a very very good mood about it, lol.But the person I was writing about is a woman who's older than me.♪I could live my whole life and never catch up to her. And I don't want to try to catch up.I always want to walk forward looking at her back as a guidepost for living.*No matter what might come up, no matter what I meet, even if I can't talk to her, I believe in her, and my feelings of love for her will never change.The days when she & I can laugh together are definitely coming again soon.So it's oookkkkaaaaayyyy--------------!!!!!!!!!On the days I can't see her, I become so dull, so the next time I've been able to see her, I won't want to talk.So today, once again, I'll be living with all my might. You know?I've recently been very cold to you all, but I'm always hoping that I can send warm days to your hearts and bodies.☆

*This recalls the lyrics to Ayu's song "walking proud" almost directly.

…Chon-san is doing her office work, good evening. Hmm? Or rather, good day? ? ? It's been hours already that we’ve been watching ourselves with the screen of my computer and my TV. On top of that, my laptop in free hands, I doing briefings with members of my staff at the same time. I feel that I suffered an attack of high waves lol ** And why all this ...? Because ... I am preparing for the Setlist of Countdown Live! The God of Setlist (I'm not talking about Zin-san, am I? ***) came down on me! And it’s starting to look pretty good! ♪ It seems that it’s already been 10 years since I started doing CDL at Yoyogi. It's been 10 years since I have the chance to spend time from the end to the new year in our Holy Land! Yet every year, every year, I was told the lack of seats, it's really something that warms my heart. This year, while thinking back to all that, it's bound to be something very special because it will be the 10th anniversary! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! You can expect something really big! ♪ Oh, about today, I had something to see with Maro-chan, we were on the phone, when I remembered that Michael song he put in his blog title, I didn’t know what it was anymore, it worried me, I asked him, and he started singing loudly! lol I thought of asking him the title of a song, but it's the whole song that came back to me lol Okay, I must start writing the script for the show. But, you know, today I re-watched old DVDs, I am always so impressed by Marionette. I have goosebumps.

**This I'm not sure how to translate, I've never heard of this saying in french**

*** She's playing with the words here, in japanese the kanji for god is also read "shin" or "jin". Even though Zin writes his name with a Z, they will pronounce it "Jin"

I'm really fidgety waiting to go see his movie.This is Chon-san. Good evening.Okie dokie, well, it's been said plenty of times, but this is the closest thing to my own original words, because they sound good to me, and I don't want to tell a lie, I don't want to only say pretty things.And, above all, I want to hear "thank you" more than "I'm sorry," and I want to say it more too.Having turned 31 recently, I feel I've been reborn, so I'm thinking like that alot lately.I must say, although I'm probably jumping to things, or maybe I'm not really making a big jump at all (whichever), I've been doing work on the contents for a certain DVD, and even though I knew a little while ago, the moment I know more, the whole world will, but I persuaded myself that "I can't say anything right now" but in the end, I can't wait to write this tomorrow, even though I'm feeling a bit hazy at the moment. So I'm writing.I record things in this diary for my own sake.Well, I can write this with no fear of misunderstanding. I really, from the bottom of my heart, am so proud of the cast and my staff, all those strong and great people, who create my shows.They're the strongest and greatest entertainment group, my life is the shows they help create.And yet, the strongest piece, the one I hold in the highest, is that I can't compare my shows to anyone else's whenever I think of doing it.To begin with, comparing myself with someone else is such nonsense, we're all distinct human beings, so you can't compare.The "something" that I have, someone else will never have it, and I will never have the "something" that someone else has. This is something that everyone can say about themselves, not just me.Based on what I've said (or despite it... whatever), the work on this DVD is strange and amusing.With this show, there's the superior and the junior staff always walking together, the staff we met for the first time, and above all, the usual guests who all together, at any moment, will begin clapping and cheering, honestly enjoying themselves, and that's what allows the show to come into existence.A staggering amount of human power is able to be gathered, and it's a miraculous moment.If I leave it as a piece of work, maybe, if I think of it as a piece of work, I think there are so many other forms it could have taken.Jeez, Chon-san is just rambling to herself now.Anyway!!!All of us here are looking towards the end of the year, working very hard day after day, thinking like entertainers, all so we can welcome the lovely new year together with everyone, and we'll be back home to Yoyogi soon so do look forward to it!!!!!!!And this year too, I'll keep working to fill up as many seats as possible all in one place!!!!!!!!!

Sleep warmly, everyone! <3

I'm singing30 October 2009 1:10 PM

Getting it done, slowly but surely.Getting settled in the vocal booth. Yesterday I was doing really great, but part of the way through, started to cry, overcome with emotion.Afterwards, I just kept on singing, sweating like crazy, but concentrating very hard, and when recording was done, my entire head was hurting, and to make matters worse, I felt really cold, so I hurried home as quickly as I could.If I catch a cold now, don't you laugh~~~!!Anyway, I took some cell phone photos yesterday but I didn't post them here.So I'm gonna do that right now.Yesterday's Fashion Check~☆

The fluffy knit cardigan is from Chane-ko-san.*It has silver threading mixed into it. <3The studded vest is from NINE.The pants aren't in the photo, but they're sarouelles** from Alexander McQueen.The T-Shirt and studded beret are from Tocopaci.The sunglasses are my hot Ray-Bans, as usual~.But my number one favorite thing I was wearing that day was the studded beret. ↓

I have to record again today, so I need to get myself coordinated in order to be able to put my feelings in song.☆Holy crap, October is already over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Wheeeeeeeeeee...Oh well, time's gonna keep on passing by, isn't it?Even this moment right here will pass.Seeya later, time---------!And I finally got on board the train and I'm shaking along with its rhythm.

*I guess she means Chanel? XD**If you're like me and had to look this up, they're like middle-eastern style pants that are baggy, but more around the hips & thighs, then they're more form-fitting around the lower legs (to different degrees). They're fashionable right now apparently, so I probably look like an idiot having to look it up, but I don't keep up with fashion. Like, at all. So yeah. :P

It was Halloween1 November 2009 5:50 PM

...wasn't it~?Yesterday, I was chased by a large crowd of costumed people, and yes they were scary.But I ran and ran as hard as I could and I got away! LOLUntil I reached a maximum distance from them, I ran. I felt like someone who'd done a very bad thing.So, we just barely slid into the very last showing.

Yep!I finally saw it.

I can't write my thoughts.Because I'm unable to put them into words.But I will say that when the movie was over, the theater did not brighten.Because right then I was taken aback when I realized that while I was seeing this "movie," I completely forgot reality. I was completely deluded into thinking I was "there."It's like I slipped away from my seat, I was leaning forward the whole time.I really couldn't watch it with an objective eye.Oh, and I thought I should apologize, I started crying within the first 30 seconds, and then I just wept the whole time and my nose was running and it didn't stop, just tears and tears and more tears, and the people next to me HAD to be annoyed by my "waaah waaah, sniffle sniffle" sounds.Sorry about that...Afterwards, the three of us went to go eat some Thai food.I casually put my stuff on the table, and it ended up being interesting to look at so I took a photo.Chon-san's bag (BALMAIN) & leather jacket (BALMAIN) & hat (Blumarine) feat. The Disposable Chopsticks.

Isn't the hat cute?Here's how it looks when I wear it.

(Oh yeah, I dyed my hair black. It's nice, I like it.)So, right as I finish eating just the right amount of food, the phone rings.As soon as I answer, I hear "Ayuuu~! Can I come yet???"By the way, I made no promise to meet up with him. lolThis is who was on the other line☟

It was Mr. Black Shirt. lolNext to him is a really close friend~♪And seriously, a succession of Michael Jackson songs were playing in the shop the whole time.Everyone danced too much, we got all sweaty.We smiled excessively.It was the best night ever.I still can't say goodbye, so.... Thank you, Michael.

Oops!!!4 November 2009 06:09 AM

It's been a few days, huh~?I've just been so caught up recording some very good songs~☆I want everyone to hear them really soooon---------------!!!The approach for the jacket photos is a little bit different than anything I've done so far... when you combine them with the song itself, the photos are really great, so look forward to them♪Sooo anywaaay... for my twins' third birthday celebration, my other little babies mustered up some congratulations <3Here's the cake <3 It's for the dogs <3

It has "Pino <3 Papico" written on it-!! Fun stuff.And then there was a fight over the cake. lolI guess that's what happens when you have 7 animals. They're gonna scramble for things. lolWith full tummies, sleeping happily☟

I love them so much, they're growing up too fast for me!<3I'll join hands with everyone again tomorrow.

Yesterday,6 November 2009 05:18 AM

with an infinite loop going in my head, I wasn't very good at putting together words to describe something that happened, but on Subalog., Suu-san wrote about it accurately.The thing about "behaving."I thought Suu-san was seriously awesome! lolI didn't see anything, but I had my palm read and for once I feel like someone guessed something right! lolI thought it was something like, "What? Suu-san and I are gonna get in a fight?" I wonder why.Well then!! It's a rather abrupt subject change, but I thought I'd like to show you the lyrics for one chorus in the new song.Tomorrow (sorry, actually 'today' my time), I'm shooting this song's PV.Every single one of you can imagine what on earth the song's melody might be... look forward to it. "You were..."surechigau koibito tachi ga kata yoseai aruiteku(The lovers pass by each other and bump shoulders as they walk)tsumetasa ga mi ni shimiru no wa kimi ga inai kara(The cold is so piercing because you're not here)kisetsu sae wasureru kurai hoka ni nani mo iranai kurai(If it gets to the point that the season can be forgotten, then that's the point where there's nothing left)sou muchuu de kagayaita no wa koi wo shiteita kara(That which shined so bright in my dreams was the act of loving you, so)kimi ga saigo no hito da to omotta(I thought you were the last person)kimi to saigo no koi wo shitakatta(I wanted my last love to be with you)konna hiroi yozora no shita hitori(Alone under such a vast night sky)ittai nani wo omoebaii no...(What in the world am I supposed to think...?)

Written by ayumi hamasaki

This year7 November 2009 5:30 AM

around the time I rang in my 31st birthday...I think a change struck me, I was going to change, I wanted to change...I mean this in a positive way.The thing I noticed recently is that I actually have changed.This, again, I mean in a positive way.Thus far, I've been completely addicted to work.But this was because I wanted to be. It made me happy.But I think it was really bad for my private time.So, now, of course work is as important to me as ever, it's something I have more passion for than anything else, I could absolutely never detach from my job as an entertainer.But at the same time, things in my private life are becoming important to me as well.I think that way of thinking is gaining ground in me.I've started to wish for peace in my heart. Whether just a few or alot of smiling faces, whether just a little bit or alot of kindness, I want to share it with everyone.If someone thinks that the other people in their lives are more important than they are, they become happier for it. If you can meet someone like that, it's really a miracle.Even when you trip and fall down, you should get up and keep taking steps forward.Right now, I feel I have such courage and strength.That's right! <3Well then, today I want to post the chorus lyrics for one more new song."BALLAD"yume no tochuu de mezameta matsuge ga nureteita(I woke up in the middle of a dream, and my eyelashes were wet)oboeteta kotoba wa "onegai ikanai de"(I remembered the words, "please don't go")kesshite kawaranai no wa tsunotte yuku kono omoi(What I can't erase or change is this feeling getting worse)itsumo yuruganai no wa uyamai shitau kimochi(What I can never shake is the feeling of yearning for your adoration)kyou no yuuyake sora wa anata no you ni yasashikute(Today's sunset sky is as gentle as you)konda wa yume ja nai to sakebimashita "ikanai de"(That time, it wasn't a dream, that cry of "don't go.")

Written by ayumi hamsaki

P.S.7 November 2009 6:07 AM

Today's PV shoot went off without a hitch~!!But... from my hair & face all the way down my body, I had real diamonds all over me, sparkly sparkly... but diamonds are stones after all, so it felt more like rough-rough than sparkly-sparkly. lolSo anyway, that's how that was~. Look forward to it!☆

ayu's DIARY: 22/10/2009 - 28/10/2009

Already22 October 2009 12:04 PM

Yesterday, we were able to do our concert, and the greatness of the sacred ground Yoyogi was REALLY vividly shown to us!!!!!!!Everyone the whole time was applauding for the band members and dancers and me, and continued cheering until they were hoarse during the seeing off at the end.This all directly resonated in the hearts of all of us who were there. I truly thank you!!!!!!!!That is to say,How did such a Reaction King* session gather, Yoyogi? lolI'm saying that with alot of power, you see. lolGah! Today's the last day so I keep crying and laughing!!!!!!Anyhow, I'm forgiving myself of all of that, I'm going to the NEXT LEVEL with all of you!!!We'll all see the scenery there together☆I needed to get some fighting spirit in me after how I was last night.This was really surprising so I instinctively had to take a photo with my phone.

*Reaction-Oh is a game where you're given a topic or situation and you have to sorta pantomime it. Whoever does best wins. It's sorta like a Whose Line improv comedy game.**"Minna, junbi wa ii ka?!?" is an exact thing that Ayu says at just about every concert.

Well then24 October 2009 7:31

My shell has come off, and there's someone else underneath it, and now it's hard to fall asleep. So Chonsan has come online.Wonder why I feel like this...?Although Suu-san wrote about the end of the tour, and although Nii-yan wrote about it too, it feels lonely, like I've been pierced with a gaping hole in my heart, and in order to be satiated, I need to feel things like a sense of achievement or accomplishment.This year's tour, at any rate, became a tour where every facet was specially posed.It's like.... man, I'm still no good at using my words well.Oh well, I won't even try for now.Instead, maybe I'll show you the tour's choreographers in a set list.Truthfully, we all worked on this with alot of trial and error, so.Every scene turned out very lovely. I love it.Alrighty, here we gooo!!!!!!!

That's how it looks <3Perhaps it's about what you all expected~???Alrighty, in conclusion, today's Pino & Papico.

They're lying down in the exact same position. lolIt's seriously WAY too identical, I even whistled to myself. lolBut am I the only person who feels like I'm looking at the inside of an oyster, watching this? lol

Dangeroouuusss~~~26 October 2009 9:10 AM

Coooooooollllldd--------------------!!!!!Sslleeeppppyyyyy--------------------!!!!!I have to go on a shoot now though.But nooo, it's cold... Ooowwwww...

Ahahahahahahaha.27 October 2009 6:13 AM

I got home just now.I feel like running laps around the place!!!!!!!But I'm already going unreasonably fast, really.I'm badass!!!!!!!! lolWell anyway, before I change into a tired Chon-mama in this entry, I'm gonna pass it onto my angels.

Princess Cocoa <3 Isn't she adorable? <3It looks like she's saying,"I helped Mama out in the studio too, ya know!♪"And now the next little angel.

It's Pino-san <3And he seems like he's saying,"I'm still like a little baby, always sleepy. Ain't that something?"Next little angel.

It's Papico-san <3Who appears to say,"The thing I'm really into right now is sitting around. Ain't that something?"But in the end, this is now it turns out.☟

It seems they're dreaming of doing the rollin' dance.After I left them alone, it turned into this☟

They're all coiled up.It reminds me of Cirque du Soleil. (And that reminds me, the bathroom is full of burning candles, so I get sleepy going in there since it's such an ultra-soothing space now~♪O <3 Ya <3 Su <3 Mi <3 (Read that "Sparkle" style)

The sun is already rising.*

*"Mou hi ga noboru ne" -> short lyric from "A Song for XX"

Again,28 October 2009 7:12 AM

look what time of day it is~.We're looking towards the new single release right now, once again very busy days, but... Suu-san found the time to update his blog, and Kanako and Minazo are just as energetic as he is, saying things like "That seems like the thing to do-------♪".It's very typically Chon-san to go to Suu-san's blog and pinpoint things like that. But in addition to "Subalog." he really should write a book on food or something, right----?The girls know this well. They go there even if they don't want to, you know that???"Subalog. ~Writings On Philosophy~""Subalog. ~Writings On the Bare Necessities~"It seems it could cover either of those two things. lolNice to meet you, I'm this sort of Chon-san.I've stocked up with tons of candles for the season!!!!!!!!I got a bunch of Pink Magnolia ones at hanabi* today. <3It's a basic part of having this job that Chon-san commonly receives numerous gifts from people at well-known brands, and of course this does result in a luxurious feeling, so I truly want to express my gratitude <3But, as you might expect, to get things I've earned myself, that's also exceptional☆So, when I'm getting the Pink Magnolia things, even though it's my Mommy's store, you might find this unusual for Chon-san, but I'm just a plain old normal customer, and I make a regular paying purchase. <3Tomorrow an order is coming to add to these, but this is how many I have today...

I could open a shop. lolFor size comparison, something everyone's showing on their blogs recently.Chon-san is next in line to use it~!

ayu's DIARY: 16/10/2009 - 21/10/2009

Regarding the new songs,16 October 2009 4:33 AM

There's all kinds of clamor about it, but...As you might expect, right now, we have to finish work on the two days in Yoyogi, you know?Our heads are really in THAT right now.Since we're trying to put on the perfect show, we can't think of anything else. It's not necessary.But up until the moment you're on your deathbed, dammit, you'll have said "Wooooowww!!!" and you'll remember how awesome this show turned out!!It's best that you're able to really experience that sort of show.One more thing today, we had an interesting rehearsal for this probably wonderful looking show.For the 11 years that I've had the ability to sing, I've been on my first long, long tour.Rehearsals began as soon as 2009 started, and there have been inumerable barriers. Sometimes I climb those walls, sometimes I destroy them, and sometimes I just hang my head, but I always gradually move upwards...Eventually, after the struggle, I get there. The final stop, Yoyogi.And before I know it, 2009 is already almost over...This year's tour kept getting additions, too.This year's tour, I got special offers from overseas, too.(As for the details there, I gotta wait for the ban to be lifted on talking about it, and then it'll get announced.?)At any rate, for the time being, I'm focusing on Yoyogi.I say things like that sometimes, my personality is pretty awkward, but I'm honest even when my brain's not working right. And as long as I have a place I can come home to, the fact is, I know I can work hard & do my best.Pino & Papico are getting along well again today, snuggling up together.And my heart is snuggling up with all of you today too.

When they wake up, I'm gonna be smiling. <3

Smooch! <3

Amazing!20 October 2009 3:59 AM

Good evening, Chonsan here, who made her approach to Yoyogi, feeling like a complete chicken who's going through growing pains.It's been awhile since I updated~!!!!!!!The day before Yoyogi, I took things slow & steady, because I wanted to give my mind and body (and of course my voice!!) a rest, but from Fukuoka to here I kept really busy, doing my best on other work~☆As such, I'm going forward from Fukuoka as gently as possible~.First of all, I've gotten so many requests for this photo!!(For everyone who couldn't come to the venue that day, the explanation: everyone gave me surprise congratulations on my birthday, the whole crew together did this commemorative photo~)Alrighty, Ta-da!!!

Yeah, the photo's been enlarged (Click the thumbnail for full size. --Deli).Isn't it coooool---------<3 Thank you so much! <3By the way, if you zoom in, it looks like this.Alrighty, Ta-da!!

By the way, for some reason my haute couture designer Akira-uji measured the size of the cake backstage.

Chonsan's costumes are always entirely handmade by Akira-uji~<3So anyway, when you guys see what I recieved for my birthday as a present, you're gonna be all like "You did not seriously get that, did you???"Actually, Chonsan just said "Whooooooaaa~!!"Alrighty, Ta-da!!

And now opened up...

Yep!! It's an "ayu ready? COMPLETE BOX" set!!!Isn't it awesome???Episode stills are sprinkled all around the outside of it.☆

But I'm too shy to watch even one episode of it.Someone come watch it with me!!! Give me the courage!!!!!! lolWell, I'm talking too much, so it's time for today's Fashion! <3 (too much of a jump?)

Chonsan loves leather jackets, I don't even know how many various colors and styles I get every year, but I do get several every year, but this jacket right here is the hottest this season!!!!!!!It's from BALMAIN.Not only am I gonna buy ALL my clothes from BALMAIN this season, but ALL my shoes and bags too. BALMAIN ROCKS!!!!!!!But I got my T-shirt and leggings from Tocopaci.This T-shirt has cute sleeves that balloon out, but you can't see it in the photo.The leggings have stars attached to them~. Pretty spiffy <3

I've been wearing this hat alot recently too.It's from NEW YORK NEW YORK.♪

The pendant & chain I'm holding in my hand here...

I took the photo myself but it still got blurry. lolThat's because it's a cell phone photo. The LUMIX wouldn't do that, ya know.Alright, let's try it again and get it right this time, Alrighty, Ta-da!!!

You can't really see it that well, but it's a perfume bottle <3This is from Tocopaci. I fell in love as soon as I saw it. <3Well it looks as though my time allowance has died, and my Fashion Check must now dissolve, but I can honestly say that I already feel excitement about the show in Yoyogi!Even better, starting tonight, no matter what, I wanna be able to stay in Yoyogi. lolIf that's impossible...Someone please hold onto Chonsan and put her to bed <3Ah, but recently, during bedtime, Papico-san (who doesn't understand the definition of "relaxing time,") will aim at a person's face, jump, and attack it, so it'd have to be someone who can endure that. <3Yesterday Chonsan got a hard Papico-bungee* to the face, and it gave me a nosebleed. lolAnd today, thank you for all of your loving messages!!!!!!!!!!Tomorrow, the TA home page is getting a renewal, so look forward to that!☆And then~... what else...Day after tomorrow, on Yoyogi's first day, the mobile site is opening!!!!!!!!!So look forward to that too~!☆I'm getting closer and closer to seeing you guys, huh?

*She said "bungee jump" rather than "jump" to describe Papico's face attack, so "Papico-bungee" is apparently what she calls this behavior.

Here at TA21 October 2009 3:58 AM

Chonsan here, who's updating after having suddenly burst into tears, due to a surprise attack of excessively beautiful messages from all my friends. Good evening.I can't use my words very well today, so I'm gonna leave this entry to my babies. They can fix it. <3Here's Pino-san, happy to be held.

ayu's DIARY: 11/10/2009 - 14/10/2009

On the 10th,11 October 2009 12:54 PM

I wrote about it in the entry entitled "Some time ago," there were alot of "we want a song!" requests from everyone in TA, I mean there were tons and tons of them.Since the middle of the night last night, until just awhile ago, even though I was all stressed and feeling like "omg I'm NEVER gonna get this done," I searched through and listened very carefully to every single one of hundreds of demos that I had on hand, searching for the right one, and then...I found it. And then I made the song.Now, the next step in the process, which is to be amazed that I was able to make such a song.Do you guys ever feel that way too?It was a miracle I was able to finish it so quickly.Originally, it was planned that I'd have 2 new songs, but it might be 3 songs now☆They're a totally different type of song, but I could only possibly make these songs as I am right now.Please look forward to them.I am just so.... GENKI right now!!!!!!!!!!I've been immersing myself in making songs so much lately, so together with my much-loved Ane and Oto*, we three came to this much-loved Thai cuisine restaurant to eat & recharge.

The calendar & coathanger above us totally rock.

The power outlet & circuit breaker behind her totally rock too.This makes it look like we came by bike but we didn't.

This Tibetan** fur coat is sleeveless, but I have additional things to layer on top of each other for when it gets colder. But as it is right now, just putting on this one thing is warm enough.☆I got it at Tocopaci.It's like I've only been shopping at Tocopaci recently, so I probably seem like a Tocopaci spy (lol), but actually I go to stores on the street, it's just that my select shop is both domestic and outside Japan and I absolutely love them, so I'm gonna still keep going to Tocopaci. Yup.Today's bag & sunglasses:

It's a FENDI spangle bag and Ray-Bans.Lately I don't wear anything but Ray-Bans~. They make me seem mischievous. lolMy shoes are these rocking boots.

The mix of the pipe and tubing totally rocks!The heel rocks so much.

Looks like a bolt or something? (Not the Olympic runner.) And my babies too, they're genki.They might be li'l teeny tiny guys, but they go through life with such strength!Pino-san, and the camera's view of Papico-san. <3

Shy Choco-san <3

Purin-san, whose special skill is "Sitting still" <3

The Hooligan Princess, Cocoa-san <3

The one who understands me best, Marron <3

I hope today is a wonderful day for all of you...☆

*Literally "older sister and little brother," but in reference to an older girl friend and younger guy friend.**She just says "CHIBE" here in katakana, so I'm making a guess that it's short for "Tibetan," but I'm honestly not sure.

Just now, after all this time, 13 October 2009 12:22 AM

I have realized that my favorite food ever (and Ane and Oto agree) is just spicy food~. (even though it's so bad for my voice)And usually, when I go out to eat during my private time, It's almost always Korean, Thai, or Indian food~!Even then, adding more spices to it is our ID, it seems.Ah, another ID I don't need. lolThe Chon-san writing this is wondering what to deliver to you tonight, during this break from work.Incidentally, my huge blond-haired companion is in the middle of working right now.Ah, when I say blond hair, do I mean black AND blond together?In my first time meeting him, he was waiting, and he was struggling hard... or so I thought, but that was his usual poker face. (by that I mean "armor").But I know.He was always the type to work hard but then shed tears when he thought no one was looking.By his very nature, he couldn't continue being interested in a person's exterior beauty for very long. Probably only for a second.The person I think this about - no, the person I KNOW this about - radiates beauty from the inside of course, but he just happens to also sparkle on the outside too.I could be fascinated by a human being's innermost heart.I wonder why this Chonsan has these strong sorts of feelings tonight?

At last13 October 2009 10:06 PM

they came---!! Candles that totally fit the season~!♪I'm so happyyy--------------♪♪♪Chon-san is a total candle otaku*, and I collect them all year round, but I only light them at night as you might expect and it is the coolest looking thing ever~.Lately I've been only using candles when night comes~.I keep hoping that the daytime won't be long, my eagerness attacks~! lolI change the sweet-smelling candles out depending on my mood, but as you might expect, they always do smell nice.According to the brand, there are also candles that don't smell at all.But VOLUSPA is always right.Not one thing wrong in all these years.The scent I'm addicted to recently is Pink Magnolia. <3

I choose the candles' sizes based on where I put them.Well, the medusa face on this table sure is creepy. lolIn the restroom, I have li'l baby VOLUSPAs all liiiiinnnned up.Here's the li'l babies with some decorative plants.

This (I should say "the scent") is for the interior.But even when I don't light them up, just putting them there makes everything smell good. <3Just surrounding myself with things I like, pretty things, it totally raises my spirits!!!I feel like I can do anything!!!!!!Suddenly I get Phone Photo Fever!!!!!!!!!!This is in the bathroom**~.

I somehow thought I should place shells & stuff around the sink. lolAnd isn't this awesome?

Look closely until you see the necklace~.

The little decorative flowers & shells & this and everything, they were ordered from my Mommy's place.And then my power stones, also never wrong.There are a bunch of these babies all over the house too.For example, here's Mr. Amethyst.

And also Ms. Crystal. (Not Christel***.)

There's more too <3Oh that reminds me, I forgot to upload pictures of this baby~!!Alrighty, ta-da!!!!!!!!

Satsuki-chan even decorated this single-lens reflex camera.WTF, is there no end to where we'll go with this decorating stuff? lolAfter all, we could go the whole way up to the car, right? lolWhat do you think? Satsuki, get your decorating army together!! lolBy the way, it looks like this when you take the big lens off.

Teeheehee <3I just noticed, I've strayed quite a bit from talking about the candles, but I'm having fun anyway so whatever, right? ♪So, again, straying from what I'm saying, but because of Subalog I've been missing New York lately.I first went there about.... 15 years ago.Time sure does fly. I mean, I'm 31 now. lolAh!! My goodness!!! Just from that, I'm suddenly wanting to reminisce and look at photos of New York.Yeah, the view from the room that I always like to stay in.

Central paaarrrkk♪ I wanna walk there now--------!!Okay, next picture, Ta-da!

A cake that says "Welcome home", with America photos♪ This makes me happy.Okay, next picture, Ta-da!

American Museum of Natural History!!We went here every day.Throughout the day we'd like, turn into elementary schoolers and play around.Okay, next picture, Ta-da!

And we absolutely HAD go to F.A.O.schwarz (a really old & well-known toy store☆).Of course I had to buy a gigantic plushie.Hey look, I have black hair here! lolThat's it then, I know I'm kinda ending it without a proper conclusion.Days like that do happen~♪

*Just for the record, yes, she actually used the phrase "candle otaku."**She used the word "restroom" in katakana earlier, and "bathroom" here, implying that these are two different rooms in her house. Just thought I'd clarify that.***"KURISTERU" as opposed to "KURISTARU". Might be a reference to announcer Christel Takigawa, or perhaps tarento Christelle Ciari. One of the two. Or maybe it's a brand name. Or maybe it's not referring to anything specific, just a generic name. I dunno.

Hmmmm,14 October 2009 12:13 AM

My explanation seems to have been insufficient, so I'm back!!That black hair is from when I was in New York and was taking photos there.My hair isn't black right now~.I'm still touring so I can't change my hair color at the moment.That is all!☆

ayu's DIARY: 9/10/2009 - 10/10/2009

One Year Ago9 October 2009 4:11 PM

A year ago today, at this time, I wrote and posted this entry.Everyone please look at the sky for a little while, remember that day, and think of him.

[270] Thank you. 9 October 2008 (Thurs) 3:59 PMEveryone, for gladly giving me the thing I wished for, I thank you.And, for sending so many messages to him, thank you.About one hour ago, his long, long fight ended.I don't know how to put it into comprehensible words now, but I do think I need to say it to everyone, so here I am.All of everyone's kind thoughts have been sent to his family.I'm sure he'll be able to read them up in Heaven.

In Those Days9 October 2009 4:33 PM

I'm posting what I wrote back then.Our red bracelets shine on our arms even today.Right, Tsuriko?

[267] Just now,8 October 2008 (Wed) 12:16 AM

I recieved contact from a friend of mine who is fighting a battle at the end of his life.Around this time last year, he suddenly struck ill and learned that he only had a short time to live, but he crossed over from despair to hope and has been constantly fighting since then.And everyone in his family, just as he has, have changed in the days since, living with patience and strength.

The last day I saw him was April 8th.There was not a single strand left of his long hair, and his body had become so very thin, but he told the hospital no, and went to Yoyogi together with his mother.He frantically did his best to be cordial to everyone, all the while taking care of his mother, and when he saw me, he gave me a hug, sobbed loudly, and then said "I'm doing my best," and returned to his usual smiling face.

So much has happened since then.

So, I've fought to "do my best" for the last ten minutes, but everything inside me is so messed up.

I, him, and one other friend, the three of us together all wear red bracelets that are shining on our arms even now, and that third friend has been informed.She's by his side right now.As for me... I think it's best for him to be in a peaceful environment, and I'm pretty sure his family wants that for him too, so I'm not there.

In such times, to be completely honest, I become very unpleasant to be around.

But the bracelet I'm wearing right now will shine on my arm for a long time!!!!!

I'm sorry for being like this today...

"Surely I am walking and I am smiling and I am breathingEven having innocent conversationNaturally I thought it would continue this way."*

[268] Yesterday8 October 2008 (Wed) 7:46 PM

After what I posted, ever since, and even now too, messages from everyone have continued to come in.I think that I'm definitely becoming as strong as him thanks to all of your messages.

But he is still fighting at the moment.The fact that he's able to is a miracle.The harshest part is that he's had to show us this miracle with his own body.

I'm thinking very clearly right now. As I am right now, I am an able person.Because I have been given the gift of existence, there are things I can do.

Please, tonight, pray for a miracle to happen between today and tomorrow.

For thinking of him tomorrow, you have my gratitude.

Thank you all.

[269] Please9 October 2008 (Thurs) 2:58 AM

I've come back to ask something of all of you.

The amount of messages from everyone is so huge, they're all packed with so much power, I think I'd like to deliver them all to him.But given the circumstances, everyone has written so much that it's not really possible to make copies.

Would it be a good idea for me to take the messages that we're collecting over to him?Tomorrow and the day after, keep writing messages as long as you can keep sending your power, as long as he keeps fighting, and I will deliver it.

Please let me know what you think, everyone.

After this, I wrote the entry I posted here earlier.Everyone was so kind as to send an inumerable amount of messages back then. Right about now, I think he's probably reading them again.Perhaps he is smiling calmly.

*Lyrics from "Life".

Continuation9 October 2009 5:14 PM

These are my last writings from that time.At the end, there is a new beginning.

[271] Tomorrow11 October 2008 (Sat) 1:04 AM

In the morning, I'll print out everyone's messages, and I'll carry them to him.As for me, right now, I'm one with all of you, and I have the same wish, and I'm able to continue praying, and I truly have so much gratitude for all my comrades in TA, and I've cried time and time again.Although we couldn't possibly explain them well, our feelings can be heard if we use our words.I think we're definitely all connected.He is connected to me, to us all, and he's taught us one thing.Let's all go together, treating each and every moment as a precious gift. Let's walk at the same speed.Let's live, putting our whole hearts into surviving.

[272] As promised12 October 2008 (Sun) 5:00 AM

I went to deliver all of your messages!

Once I actually printed them out, it was a huge stack, and I took them to his mother, and she burst into tears the moment she saw them. She said she felt so fortunate.For saying so many precious things to him, she said she was "truly grateful..." to me and to all of you.

Afterwards, she placed them with him, together with some flowers.

This morning, his mother told me that at the very end, he apparently said to her, "I want to listen to 'Life'." He couldn't breathe properly by then, but he forced off his oxygen mask and said that.This was so unexpected, I was just a mess hearing it. I don't remember the story clearly, but I was so grateful to hear this.A song I had made.It's a song inside me, my own, and there is evidence that he lived, thanks to him saying that.

And then, even while I was sleeping, KAZ printed out everyone in TA's messages, and I truly thank him. It was enormous work, but, in order for me to deliver everyone's thoughts without fail, he kept working until it was finished, and so I was able to tell him, "I'm so relieved!!"...TA is really the best.

And... all of us here have to keep walking forward, and our thoughts are pointed towards Shanghai.During this trip to Shanghai, of course we're doing a concert there, and we're filming the PV for the new song I mentioned before, "GREEN."Peco & Zin are doing the choreography.Me & my dancers are getting into our fighting spirit, like dancing warriors.This will be one more extremely wonderful piece of work to remember, so I'm really looking forward to it.

I want to share something with everyone again.

Please look forward to it.

Let's wholeheartedly raise our heads and keep going. Alright!!!

Some time ago...10 October 2009 3:29 AM

I couldn't stop the outpour of emotion, and I did all those successive updates...But, unexpectedly, there are alot of people who recently became members of TA, I have discovered, and important things were taught, and "Thank You" was said.The ring of members of TA has rapidly increased over the course of this year, in a blink of the eye it's grown, and I think we've become connected in a very strong, deep way.This makes me somehow so happy.After those posts, some people, worrying about me, sent me messages, but I am completely okay!!!!I'm smiling with all my heart.I'm crying with all my heart.I'm living with all my heart.You know?Yesterday, I went to the same place as when I went drinking together with Bacchi for the first time.I was working for all the time we were friends, and in my private life, we went on trips together, but even after all those years, I never forgot the first place Bacchi and I went to.Cuz at that time, there was alot of tension, and I didn't really get it at the time, but then when we were talking, facing each other, I was sitting there and that guy threw up on me. lolI think he said "I like yoooouuu~". No, I'm serious.Aw man, he just rolled on the floor laughing.Well, my clothes and shoes were stained with vomit though.Bacchi, of course, stunk of of vomit and it would not go away.When I remember this sort of thing, I'm not immersed in sadness, and even yesterday I was smiling quite a bit.I remember how I envied Bacchi, and I smile.And Bacchi is smiling too, absolutely.He's doing fine, I know it. We're doing fine, smiling together.He's saying stuff like "Look at you, writing this stuff~", even now digging into me like that, I know it. He was always cute & cool like that.But to everyone in TA who comes here, it wasn't painful. If there's someone out there who wants to escape, who wants to throw it all away, how about thinking of it this way.The today that YOU feel like you want to abandon is the tomorrow that someone elsewhere didn't give up on.The today that YOU feel has defeated you is the tomorrow that someone elsewhere fought to defeat.Keep in mind, these are just my thoughts, so I couldn't tell you if they're correct or incorrect.But I know this for sure. You are not alone. There's no reason to be afraid. Because I'm here.Even if all you want is to give up, I'm not letting go of your hand.And even if all you want is to give up, I'm confident that with courage, you can fix whatever's happened.