Lost: Vial of Deadly Virus; If Found: Please Return to an Adult You Trust

If anyone has stumbled upon a vial containing a hemorrhagic fever virus, do everyone a favor and please notify the University of Texas or the Center for Disease Control. If anyone took the vial, now is the chance to give it back—no questions asked. Everyone is going to close their eyes and put their head down, if anyone wants to walk the vial to the front of the room to return it. Eyes closed, gang. We’ll wait as long as it takes.

No one? No one knows anything about the missing vial? The Associated Press? Do you know anything about the missing vial? “[T]he virus, native to Venezuela, is transmitted only through contact with Venezuelan rats. It is not believed to be able to survive in U.S. rodents or to be transmitted person-to-person.” That’s not the point, whether it’s dangerous to humans. The point is that stealing is wrong and the vial belongs in the lab, on the table with the stickers and the bathroom passes.

Associated Press, do you know anything about who might have taken the vial? “The University of Texas Medical Branch said Saturday that there was no breach in the security its Galveston National Laboratory and no indication of wrongdoing. Officials suspect the missing vial containing the Guanarito virus was destroyed during the lab’s cleaning process but the investigation continues.” Oh, that is just—no. We’re not blaming the custodians for this one. Absolutely not. Do you remember what happened when Robbie P. blamed the custodians for throwing out his new box of markers? That’s right, Robbie P. had put them in Robbie M.’s cubby. In fact, did anyone even think to check Robbie M.’s cubby for the hemorrhagic fever virus?