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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The whole situation caught me off guard. And then it took me a couple days to get my singlution back. This post is about what I learned from the feelings/confusion/frustration that followed this unexpected makeout session.

1. I am a different person since becoming the Singlutionary and while I may be an expert at being single I am not an expert at romance or hooking up (in any way shape or form). These things are shaky ground for me and I need to not be overly confident or feel infallible in these areas (yet).

2. Making out can feel just as confusing afterwards as actually having sex. I never thought this was possible. After swearing off sex (This calls for another post entirely which I have been incredibly reluctant to write about. It is interesting how controversial choosing to NOT have sex is.), making out feels much more intimate. I wasn't prepared for this.

3. I am not invincible. One reason I was so freaked out after the makeout was because I felt myself snowballing towards an inevitable week of pitiful pining, wah-wah-waiting and desperate attempts at dating. I felt my Singlutionary confidence slipping away. Sometimes life shakes us up. I felt incredibly vulnerable and defenseless because I was so unprepared to be attracted to someone again.

4. I do not want a relationship of any kind right now. For me, this also means not making out or hooking up with people. Some people have asked me about how to deal with the lack of sex and affection as a single person. Until lately this hasn't been an issue for me although it is something very worth of addressing. However, for me personally, random makeouts (or hookups) isn't the answer.

5. I forgot that I am a young attractive charismatic woman. I've been so busy writing and working and trying to figure out myself and grow into a positive, fulfilling relationship with ME that I forgot all about how other people perceive me. And I was kinda thrown off kilter by someone else being interested in me again. Which leads me to:

6. It is time for me to start engaging with the world again so that I can practice interacting with people in a way that is respectful and healthy for both me and for the individuals that I come in contact with. Most of my interactions with people these days are with a few childhood friends, my bosslady, my roommates and with people I work on projects with. I have few face-to-face peer relationships which are purely social. I am quite comfortable in a work/project/task-oriented environment but feel off kilter in social environments. So now that I am no longer a work-a-holic, its time for me to re-learn and dust off my social skills.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Oh my gosh you guys. I need the Singlutionary right now to set me straight. The only problem is that I AM the Singlutionary and I am so confused.

I made out with this super nice guy. I don't want to marry him or anything but I really enjoyed it. I like him. It was a nice change.

So what is the problem?

I don't like feeling like this. All girly. All butterflies and rainbows and fireflies and fairies and stuff.

Barf. Barf. Barf.

But if I were still in Singlution mode and not all hijacked by emotion/long forgotten hormones I would say:

Lady. Just chill the heck out. Yes. Its fine. Go on and enjoy this experience. Enjoy the nice makeout session with the guy with the _____________________ (I can not reveal what I most personally enjoyed about making out with him cause this is the INTERNETS). And after you've enjoyed it put it into a file drawer for later. Like a sales call. Forget about it. And then if he calls you, he calls you. Just because he calls you doesn't mean ANYTHING. If you make out again, that is nice. You are a grown woman and you deserve to kiss an attractive lad every now and again. But just enjoy the moment. Quit thinking about the future. There is no conflict here. Keep living your life and I guarantee you that this guy with the __________________ will keep on living his. Maybe you will keep each other company in the middle for a while. Maybe you won't. The most important thing is that you keep on traveling in whatever direction you were headed. If its meant to be, he'll be on the same train.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

One of my roommates hooked us up with magic cable. I've rarely lived in a house with cable so it sucks me in pretty easily.

I have a creepy love for gross dating shows. So I was watching Vh1's Rock of Love. It was this fabulous episode where one of the girls busts a boob playing hockey. And then that girl takes all the dirty hockey socks out of the locker. Or maybe it was another blonde girl who's boobs weren't leaking. I honestly have a hard time telling the girls apart. Anyways. Yes. I admit. I watched this garbage.

But that was just a ho-ho appetizer. The main course was a show called Tool Academy. I though this might have something to do with fixing up your house or your car or nifty gadgets or even how to use tools if you are a total idiot. Nope. Its about really really awful guys who have no sense of decency of any kind and their sad desperate dating, wah-wah-waiting girlfriends.

These "tools" are so lousy to their girlfriends that I can only ask: Why are these girls still with them? How much proof do you need that the guy is a total jerk before you dump him? Is "love" really worth all of this?

The "tools" are being tested and must improve or they'll be kicked out of the Tool Academy. On this particular episode it turns out that one Tool had two girlfriends and he swaps the out the one he came to Tool University with for the one who just showed up.

This guy was NOT the one who was eliminated.

Please PEOPLE (men and women)! If you are dating someone who treats you like this and who isn't making you life better and you aren't even MARRIED, do yourself a favor and turn around and run straight in the other direction. It is not going to get better! You are most likely dating a sociopath.

The most disturbing thing to me about this show isn't how awful the guys are (obviously they aren't really interested in being in a serious relationship and their sense of identity is based on some sort of misplaced machoism) but that these women are so intent on sticking by them.

Singlutionary says: No tools for me (unless we're talking power drills and ratchets).

On Friday I was my bosslady's hot date to the salon and then to a movie. I know that not everybody has a super cool bosslady like me. However, you can always find yourself a good date if you look into your friend-pool.

In our culture, we view romantic relationships as primary and non-romantic relationships (friendships) as secondary. This can be really destructive thinking because all good relationships bring us joy, comfort and a sense of community and support (among other things) and we all need relationships of all kind in this life. Just because you aren't physically intimate with your family or you aren't blood related to your friends doesn't mean that they aren't there for you and that you aren't there for them! Loving, supportive relationships of all kinds can be found anywhere!

So if you're having a rough patch go on a date with a friend. It doesn't matter if you're married or you're single! Make it the date of your dreams. And don't call it "girl time" if that makes you feel like a looser (why should it?) or if that makes it feel less important than a "real" date. Call it a hot date. Most likely you love and adore your friends so yeah, they're hot.

Or if you have a friend who you want to show some love to, take him/her on a date and totally pull out all the stops. It doesn't have to be expensive to make your hot date feel like royalty.

And the best part of it is that you KNOW you'll have a good time. I mean, you could be going on a date with the guy from the bar who might turn out to be a total douche bag and talk about himself ALL freaking night until you realize you would have paid NOT to have ever met this guy and you want to ask for your three hours back.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Today I needed a big ole dose of my own medicine when I put my own foot in my own mouth for declining to have wax put on my own crotch.

My fantastic boss lady offered to buy us both facials tomorrow. The only problem is that we couldn't get concurrent appointments. I would have to wait during her facial and she would have to wait during mine. So she suggested I get a bikini wax while I wait. And I said:

"Why would I get a bikini wax? I don't have anyone to show it to."

And then, before I could even gasp at my own un-singlutionary thinking, bosslady has a comeback:

So if you're keen on keeping your bikini line bare, remember, there is always SOMEONE to show it to. Even in the dead of winter. Even if he is just a very appreciative dog. And don't forget to show it to yourself!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Lately I have been having a hard time finding things to write about mainly because my life is so great. One reason that my life is so great is because I am no longer a pitiful piner!

I will admit that forever and forever and forever I would go to sleep while imagining snuggling with some well-defined-abs-man. I don't do that anymore. Its bizarre that this lifelong habit (I started this pre-puberty although then he didn't have abs: Instead he had a great GI Joe collection or something like that) has so suddenly vanished.

And I'm glad to be through with it however, I feel that there is something to be gleaned from this oh-so-lame part of my past:

I've spent more time pining way for guys than I have spent in actual relationships with them. Being a pitiful piner is convenient because I could always fixate on some sexy object of my affection and go to sleep with my hand resting on his imaginary abs but I never had to actually deal with him. I never had to pretend I wasn't farting in his presence. I never had to actually spend the night with him and get all pissed off when he kept me awake by snoring like a pig and then moving his finely muscled body into the middle of the bed while I clung to the side like an inept cliff dweller. I never had to pretend I wanted to spend an entire holiday with his parents.

Pining is a great way to imagine being in a relationship without having to sacrifice anything. When I was super tired and dropped into bed after working 16 hours, I never had to worry about how absalicious's day was. I could pine away when I had time and when I didn't he just vanished.

How delightfully convenient.

Over the past four years or so I've slowly become aware of my pining tendencies. But it wasn't until after a really luducris breakup this summer that I realized the extent of what I had been doing.

Pining is a problem because no real relationship will ever match up to the expectation developed as a piner. The longer you've pined, the harder its going to be to adjust to a real human relationship. I suspect that pining is typical of very independent folks who are pretty satisfied with being on their own yet somehow feel that something is missing. I thought it was harmless but I am now convinced that is is not.

Why?

Well, I got a boyfriend. I wasn't even pining away for him. He just kinda appeared in my life. And I tried to fit him in and make things work but melding two full formed lives together is a challenge and not one for the weak-of-heart. It turned out that my life was far better without him. But I only discovered this after we parted ways.

Ironically, I'm now being treated to life on the other side of the pining problem. The ex-boyfriend is now pining away for me. And I know that what he wants isn't really me with all my fire and independence and lack of desire to procreate but some idealized concept he has of me which is in no way based in reality. I know this because he writes me pages and pages of pitiful pining about this and that and leaves these books on my doorstep or in my mailbox. And the more I read of it (I don't read it anymore) the more I see that he has no idea who I really am.

Pining is a way to feel romance and intimacy without every interacting with a real person. It might be about imagination: There was a time when I thought that my pining was merely me manifesting a relationship a-al-The-Secret. But it is only about one person's imagination and doesn't leave much room for the wonderful surprises which come with getting to know a unique individual.

How did I quit my pitiful pining? I am not sure. It happened shortly after I started this blog and it hasn't come back. I am so infinitely satisfied with my life and I feel so loved and supported by the various people around me that I no longer feel the need to pine away for someone. I am putting all my passion for absalicious into my volunteer work and my real work and my house and my dog and my various delightful real life (plutonic) relationships.

Like I said, I WAS an independent woman who was satisfied with being on her own but felt like something was missing. This recent breakup and its aftermath have so clearly illustrated to me that nothing has been missing this whole time. I have been living a creative, adventurous, delightful, love-filled life. The only thing missing (which I now possess) was a calm clear understanding that my life is overflowing with fullness and love and comfort and security. Only when I am ready to accept the breadth and depth of all that is available to me will I be able to meet the real life absalicious (or beer gutted) man of my dreams.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

If you want to feel like poo about yourself spend a little bit of time on facebook and myspace. I am pretty sure that both were inspired by Satan. If Satan exists.

The creepiest people from my past are always trying to befriend me.

Yesterday it was the 19 year old that I desperate dated when I was 23 just because he was available, kinda cute and his younger brother was dating my younger sister. (Slightly incesty relationships are another sign of desperate dating.) Anyways, he ended up cheating on me with the 18-year-old-sister's best friend. Or something like that. Anyways. The 19 year old and the 18 year old are still together (although they are slightly older now).

Then, this morning, I get an invite from the guy who in the 6th grade play was supposed to be Bottom. I was Titania. Anyways, even if you are not familiar with Shakespeare or with Midsummer Night's Dream you will understand this: The kid was supposed to wear these donkey pants that had a tail sewn into them. Well, he wore them BACKWARDS with a big brown hairy sausage hanging down in front. Fortunately, he never gave me the opportunity to desperate date HIM.

My home town gives me the creeps mainly because everyone there is either married or screwed up or both. Since at this point in my life I would prefer to be neither married nor screwed up, I stay as far away from that place as I can. Even being befriended by strange yet not-quite-strangers is too close for comfort.

If you hail from a small town (and even big cities feel small if you grew up in them) and you did a lot of desperate dating you might have a strong desire to leave the past in the past. In this case facebook and myspace truly are evil. Dwelling on my old life in that small town makes me feel desperate all over again. I've changed my ways and I'm not going back.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Although I have been single for almost my entire adult life, I have only been comfortable with my singleness for a few months (and quazi comfortable with it for about a year before that). The other 10 plus years of my post-adolescent/adult life were pretty torturous and painful.

Most single women I know are pining away for something or someone. I am not sure that I personally know another woman or man as comfortable with being single as myself. This is kinda the thing that makes me THE Singlutionary.

There were several components to my sudden revelation of my solidly-singlutionary-self. I realized small things as days went by until suddenly and all together these small revelations added up to an inspired, joyful, satisfied life.

Here is the first (in a blog-mini-series) of these little revelations:

1. You don't need a partner or a spouse or children to have a REAL life.

I don't know if I though my life was fake or not, but I certainly didn't think it was real. I felt like I was trying to "catch up" so that I could have an important and valid existence. A partner or spouse or a family can certainly add to your sense of validation but you'll be a stronger husband/wife/partner/parent if you know how to see the validity in yourself even without all these relationships reminding you of who you are. I was looking for validation and I just couldn't seem to find enough of it anywhere I went. So I had to really intentionally foster a relationship with myself where (come hell or high water) I would KNOW in the core of my being that I was worthy.

On the other side of this validation coin are singles who get a great deal of validation from work. I used to be one of these people too. Work was my whole world and it was my primary relationship. I am very good at committing to a project or a cause. Most of my social life revolved around work things and I loved it. Then I burned out, dropped out and my sense of self was pretty shaken up. In some ways it still is.

Being human is pretty complicated because if you continue to grow and mature after say 19 or 20, you're gonna keep having these identity shake-ups. And for some people its really scary to have them alone.

However, I think that these kinds of deeply personal soul searchy times are inevitably solitary. You can be a polygamist with 75 children but if you are having some kind of identity shake-up, you're still going it alone. Nobody can see what you see or be where you've been when it comes to YOU.

So if you're looking for someone to "get" you and make you feel whole, I am sorry to tell you this but it ain't gonna work. You might find someone who comfort/loves/inspires you and makes the path a little easier but in the end, the person who knows you best is always yourself.

This is the adventure I am on. I finally quit trying to find myself in my friends and in my boyfriends and started just looking at me in ME. Its scary and its intimidating but its a journey that can only reveal amazingness all around.

*** Sorry to be preachy tonight. I'll get my sense of humor back in a few days. I must have loaned it out cause I haven't been able to find it for a few days. The only thing I can laugh about is farting which makes me think that maybe I misplaced my sense-o-humor on craigslist.***

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Some of my days are super long and some are super short. Today was one of those days that felt super short. I had a short list of things to do and instead ended up doing a zillion other things which were more important and which took a long time. Overall I had a great day except I was so busy doing it that I can't remember where it went.

I realize that this past week, I have had no extra space in my life. I've gotten up early and gone to bed late and in between I was figuring out one thing or another all day long. Still, I am grateful that my life is flexible enough that I can skip the short list and re-prioritize so that I can do the things which need to be done in the moment. If I still worked a 9-5 type job, I might not be as able to do this. If I had children, I might not be able to do this. And if I were in a relationship, I might not be able to BE this busy and decide to throw myself so much into doing what needs to be done because I would have a whole other person to consider.

There are weeks like this in everyone's lives. Parents of young children might have it the worst (or the best depending who you're talking to) in this regard. Still, whether you're single or coupled there are days, weeks, months and sometimes even years which are so packed full of living that they are hard to recollect when they are all over.

Even things which we don't give much credence to in our culture (like taking a nice healthy turd or cleaning the toilet) take up space.

So if you're newly single remember this: the empty space where your spouse/partner/lover once stood is merely an opening for a new and potentially exponentially more wonderful relationship (and who knows, that relationship might just end up being, at first, with yourself).

If you've chronically single (and sick of it) remember this: We all make space for things and at the same time deny space for other things. Pay attention to what you are permitting into your blank space and what you are rejecting.

If you're a desperate dater, remember this: Do not allow someone who want to be "just friends" (but then wants to flirt with you until your cooter/weewee aches) to take up all your time. You are allowing an annoying -selfish-shallow-self-involved hussy/douche to take up your space. Keep that space free and clear for the person of your dreams.

If you are a pitiful piner, remember this: Fill that sad sad sad empty space with something you'd like to do once you're no longer single. Take a step towards the life you want instead of gazing at it from the distance. Hold your own hand and pull your face into the sun and then play tonsil hockey with the sky. Or something like that. But do something in the direction of your fantasy even if it makes you feel *gasp* a little satisfied with being by yourself or *double gasp* with a friend.

And if you're coupled, remember this:

Dude. I am the Singlutionary. I am in no way qualified to give advice to coupled people. Maybe the purple turtle will chime in.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

It has been a few days since I last posted. There are so many things I want to write about and will write about in the next few days so please keep checking back or subscribe or follow if you haven't already!

My absence has been due to the usual: getting busy.

I am always busy.

I used to think that if only I were coupled, I would have more time and more money. Then I was coupled and realized that this was a total fallacy.

Relationships take time and in my case I was not ready to give a whole bunch of time to a relationship because I wasn't done giving time to myself. I am a recovering work-a-holic so learning to spend time with myself just doing nothing or just doing whatever the heck I want to do is a new concept to me. Being in a relationship thrust me right back into panic mode. I felt like I had to get things done super fast and that I had to sacrifice all my me time so that I could have some-tiny-scrap-of-time left over for the super needy boyfriend.

Maybe super needy boyfriend wasn't that needy. Maybe I just didn't want to spend a whole lot of time with him. Three cheers for dysfunctional relationships teaching us more than we ever wanted to know about ourselves!

As far as money goes, I had a friend mention the other day that she wished she were married so she would have two incomes and have more stuff/stability/etc. That is a nice idea. In THEORY. In reality you may have two incomes but you also have to balance two entire INDIVIDUAL'S sets of desires and dreams and destinations. You also have to deal with two people's ideas on how money is made, used and spent.

I also know a lot of people with hella lazy spouses, ex-spouses and other freeloading relations. Just cause you're single doesn't mean you're poor. In fact, it can often mean just the opposite. If you're a pitiful pining, desperate dating, wah-wah-waiting poor-poor-me single, please just take a moment and think about how you spend your money. Even in these difficult economic times when you think it would be nice to have someone to lean on it is important to remember a) that you can always lean on yourself and b) that you are surrounded by a community of people both single and married who can and will support you sometimes in ways you didn't even imagine.

Even if you are flat broke right now, if you're reading this blog I can tell you that things could be a LOT worse. You still have some kind of access to a computer and a warm place to sit and think. You're literate. You've got skills.

And just imagine that you have an extra five bucks to spend however you want and you are in a relationship so you have to COMPROMISE and see a movie that you kinda never really wanted to see about eyeballs or gumballs or fantasy footballs or something you really really hate.

But instead you are single so you get to spend your five bucks on some stupid fancypants latte or something which warms not only your body but your soul.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I know that I am the Singlutionary and I usually have all the answers but here is one that I can't quite figure out. I am hoping that someone has some advice for me:

Have you ever wanted to hand out makeout sessions to people who do a really good job at something? I just feel like: I'm single. You're single. And you impressed me. You deserve a nice little makeout session.

However, I haven't had much luck at just making out with a friend/coworker/relative/etc and having it not become hecka complicated. In general, I am not particularly good at JUST making out. This is a skill I would like to develop. I wish making out was like a friendly hug or a handshake or a nice punch in the arm. That would be fun. But only if I am the one doling out the prizes.

There are a lot of really desperate daters on craigslist. I am truly impressed not only by the quantity of people looking for love but the quantity of people just looking for SOMETHING. Here is my very own post to craigslist personals:

Gas + Laughter = Love (W4M)

I am looking for someone who takes as much delight in farting-while-laughing as I do. It is such a joyful feeling to laugh from both ends at the same time. I'll have to admit that on the rare occasion that I find myself flatulaughing, I am usually so delighted by the experience that I continue to giggle for days just at the mere thought of it.

Is there anyone out there who feels the same way?

I imagine us sitting around laughing and (hopefully) simultaneously and spontaneously farting which will only make us laugh harder. We'll see where things go from there.

My last boyfriend would leave the room whenever I would flatulaugh which really hurt my feelings. I am not sure if he lacked a sense of humor or if he was intimidated by my exuberantwindiness.

I am a S(mostly W)F. I am not looking for a LTR, just a flatulaugh friend or two (I am open to polyflatulaughamy). I am DDF, fit and healthy (I enjoy a diet of beans, cheese and raw vegetables).

Friday, January 9, 2009

Even if you're a solidly, non-desperately satisfied single, there are some things which can be irritating. They usually have to do with interacting with couples.

I am not here to hate on couples or anything. The Singlution is STILL for everyone.

I'm just here to offer some guidelines for both single and coupled individuals to live in harmony.

To the Single People:

Do you have a friend/relative/co-worker/other (FRCO) who for whatever reason can't be out of sight of his/her spouse/partner/bfriend/gfriend (SPBG) for more than 2 minutes? Does he/she want YOU to do EVERYTHING with the TWO of them? Is his/her SPBG annoying/boring/stinky/a conversation dominator? Does your FRCO invite you over for what you think is some friendly bonding time only to give you the bonding performance of a lifetime with her SPBG?

This situation seems to be one of those things that maddens single people and coupled people are just clueless about. Single people: you are not alone. This behavior his totally gross. Of course, you may have done it yourself at some point in your life and heck, you may even fall prey to it later in your life to torture your then spinster/sadbatchelor friends. Maybe you'll see it as paying forward the revenge.

Regardless, here are some suggestions on how to handle these kinds of situations:

1. Go on vacation from the friendship for about 2.5 years or the breakup (whichever comes first)

2. Counter each invitation with an offer to attend a spouse/parter/bfriend/girlfriend FREE event. e.g. girls/boys night out, an activity which you KNOW that the SPBG will be utterly repulsed by (although be careful. this can really backfire. and you'll end up backpacking with a SPBG in a miniskirt and platform hiking boots).

3. Tell your friend/relative/co-worker/other how you really feel (which brings us back to #1).

4. Bring a video camera, edit out all the boring parts and post the offensive ones in a comment!

To the Coupled People:

Are you so deeply in love that you can't see straight? Do you feel like you can't breathe when your lover/soulmate/husband/wife/fiancee (LSHWF) leaves the room? Do you want to spend every waking moment in his/her arms? Can you not imagine going a single day without seeing him/her? Do you NEED him to attend the baby shower or to give her a goodbye kiss before going to the bathroom?

I am so happy for you that you have found the love of your life. Learning and growing with another person is a wonderful, priceless thing and I wish you well in your life together. Now that you have found your one true love with whom you will spend all eternity its time to remember that other people exist in your life! Its important because although you may be spending eternity with your soul mate, in this life you may need some support from folks other than your LSHWF. What is something happens to your LSHWF? It will be so absolutely awful for you that you will NEED people to help you through that. So, for your own sake, please maintain the other relationships in your life even if being away from your LSHWF makes you ache from head to toe and you feel nauseous and break out into a cold sweat. You can survive a 45 minute lunch date with a friend/relative/coworker/other (FRCO). You can do it!

Here are some suggestions of easy ways to keep up with those other people in your life:

1. Assign one night a week (not Friday or Saturday of COURSE) to get together with a FRCO and actually do it and make sure your sweetie has a FRCO to get together also but NOT on a double date. The 1.5 hour absence will make your heart only grow fonder.

2. Email all your FRCOs from a computer snuggle with your sweetie but tell them about ANYTHING other than how much you love your LSHWF even if its about how badly you have to pee (but leave off the part about how you can't pee because you can't stand to untangle yourself from your LSHWF's arms).

3. Take advantage of the time that your LSHWF is on the pot with a super stinky turd to start calling up that long long long list of unreturned phone calls. You might want to start just by checking your voicemail.

4. Kill a lot of burdens with one stone and plan twin parties for you and your LSHWF. For the first two hours you will be with all your friends at one location and your LSHWF will be with all his/her friends at another location. Afterwards you can join the parties together. Just like a liberal bachelor/bachelorette party.

I know that not everyone is an expert at being single like me. Because I am so solidly single, I am the person newly single people call to find out how I "survive" my single life. They have a lot of questions. There are many folks out there who have been in a relationship for their entire adult lives and then one day *poof* they are single again. (Of course, it isn't really as simple as a *poof* its more like a long journey thorough hell but I like thinking about fairy-single-mothers granting people freedom from really awful relationships with a *poof*. Its fun! Try it.)

They want to know what I do about sex (woah. another blog entirely!)

They want to know if I am lonely

They want to know how I pay the bills

They want to know how to find a roommate

They want to know how to quit pining away

They want to know how to start dating

They want to know how to be happy again

They want to know how to figure out who they are

One time, a newly single person said something to me which really hurt my feelings but I think it sums up the newly single experience.

She said: I'm used to waking up next to someone every morning. Its a very comforting feeling to wake up next to the same person every morning and now I wake up alone. But you wouldn't know what that is like, would you?

In a way, it is easier for me to have been always single than someone who has lived many years of their life with someone. I've had my breakups but relationships I've had have never lasted long enough for me to be comfortable or comforted. I've always been on my own.

The best thing that I can say to newly single people is this:

This is the hardest part right now. With each step you make, things will only get better. For the first time in a long time (or maybe EVER) you can focus entirely on yourself and what you want. The more overwhelmed you feel by trying to figure out who you are and what you want for life, the more potential your life holds.

Being single is not something which must be endured anymore than being coupled is something which must be endured. Being single is merely a different experience than the coupled one. And single people are not ALONE! Even if your whole life was so wrapped up in your ex that you abandoned all your support networks, there are still people who will support you now! They may be old friends or they may be new ones. They may be your third cousin twice removed. Love and support is out there and all you have to do is ask for it. There are still new and wonderful friendships to forge. There are still many many many opportunities to live and love and be loved!

Single life is not a life void of love or joy or even cuddles. Single life can be pretty much be whatever you want it to be.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

This could be about two things. It could be about singles serving the world through their dedication to various causes and by being available to help all the married people out when they need it, etc.

Or it could be about eating.

Right now, I prefer the latter.

SO. I am on my third day of baked potatos. This is kinda OK with me because I am almost out of potatos and the spud is now blacklisted from my grocery cart. The end is in sight my baked potato friend!

But still, being single poses its own set of challenges when it comes to eating thrifty, nutritious yet simple meals (and not having enough left overs that you could eat the same exact freaking thing until NEXT thanksgiving).

I have a really bad habit of eating a bowl of rice and/or a gardenburger patty (just the patty defrosted in the toaster oven) for dinner. (If you have a more disgusting dinner habit, please share it below in a comment. Winner of most disgusting dinner habit will be entitled to a bag of rice.)

My focus, as of late, has been shopping and menu planning so that I do not waste a ton of veggies every week. The only problem is that I get too lazy to cook the veggies. (Which means that tomorrow's blog is gonna have to be about making time for your relationship with yourself or some other cheezy-go-happy-sounding title).

Regardless. What are some good ideas for simple, quick, single dish, single serving meals? Lets put the baked potato in its place!

Here is what I resort to (I am a vegetarian with an unhealthy attraction to carbs but remember, the Singlution is for everyone!):

A salad with lots of chunky yummy proteins and fruit and stuff

A baked potato

Tacos with whatever veggies are in the house sauteed up right quick

A baked sweet potato

Sandwiches with fresh veggies and other deliciousness

Rice

Chillie Killies (I know this is not spelled correctly and I am totally OK with it)

Brown rice

Comment back, yall! Put the name of the dish in the subject line for easy reference!

Don't keep waiting around for someone to cook for or for someone to cook for you! Its your body so freaking feed it already.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Single people are often thought to have "commitment issues" especially when, like me, they find themselves to be ALWAYS single.

*I am waiting for my baked potato to bake so this will be brief (kinda).*

This was driven home to me a couple years ago at the strangest place: my workplace. I had a rather annoying co-worker who was a total performer, an actor to be exact. I know a lot of actors cause, well, I am one too. But most of them annoy me at least a little mainly 'cause they always need to be the center of attention. (If you happen to be a dear actor friend reading this blog, you must know that this does not pertain to you.)

So this actor/co-worker (at one of my gazillion dayjobs) wanted me to take a very specific acting class which was so totally awesome mainly cause it was taught by his friend and mainly cause he was in it and that mere fact totally raised the caliber of talent in the class and I could learn so much from such a deep serious acting experience with such talented peers.

So, I asked him some questions about the class and I considered it. But then I decided that between all the other things I was doing, I was in no shape to commit to taking a class which I didn't have the time to attend and which I didn't have the money to pay for and which might annoy the boogers out of me.

So I told him: "Thank you very much but now is not the right time."

And he wouldn't let up. And I keep saying "no". Finally, he asks me the question I had been asking myself every night for the past 5 years: "Do you have commitment issues?"

This comment was meant to humiliate me into committing to taking the class.

Unfortunately for Mr. Annoying Actorpants, I was so pissed off that I replied with full force hostility: "Yes. I totally do!" and I walked off into the sunset. I am sure he heard my "subtext" loud and clear, which in that moment was: "Eff-off, you annoying arrogant actorish acting ass!"

But I was pissed off for the rest of the night.

Because for an actor, it is imperative NOT to have commitment issues. Actors essentially live the lives and the moments of other people. In order to this effectively, one must commit 100% to the circumstances and to the character. So, if I'm in a scene where I just found out that my husband is cheating on me, I have to commit 100% to the fact that I am a woman who has been married for this many years and I feel this oh-so-specific-way about my husband, etc, etc, etc. I can't be half in the scene and half myself, thinking about my delicious baked potato or my preposterous speeding ticket.

But at that moment in my life, I was thinking: "Oh my gosh. This douche nozzle is right. I do have commitment issues and now they are so bad that not only can I not stay in a relationship for more than three months, but I also am doomed to be a crappy actor for the rest of my life. A lonely, crappy actor! Poor me. Poor me. Wahhhhhhhhahhhhhahhhhh."

*I have heard that baked potatos are just as bad for you as eating ice cream.*

Anyways. Back to commitment. Right.

For months this conversation with Annoying Actor haunted me. I decided to, poor me, accept that I did, in fact, have commitment issues and that I needed to work on them. But I didn't know where to begin. I was too busy committing to a lunch date or to a friendship or to a visit or to planning an event or leading a group or adopting a dog or buying a house.

And then it struck me. I am so freaking good at committing! I am a badass committer. If anything, I overcommit. I commit to people, to projects, to dogs, to trees, to cellphone plans.

Yeah.

And the truth is that the most important thing to do as a single person or a coupled person or any kind of person is to commit to living the life you are already living. If you're single, commit to living the single life that you are in and commit to doing it 100%. If you are married, commit to the life you are living and do it 100%.

In other words, make the life that you have badass.

Single people do a lot of waiting around, thinking that they can't go out and have fun or they can't buy a house or they can't have rockin' sexy undergarments cause they're not in a relationship. Ladies, how many of you out there don't splurge on hecka cute bra and panty sets cause you think its a waste cause "nobody" will appreciate 'em. Do NOT call yourself a nobody!

Once I committed to being single and let it all in with all my fears and reservations, etc, I started LIVING. And living is in no way preventing me from being in a relationship at some future juncture. It is, however, preventing me from being in a relationship with the wrong person just so that someone (besides myself) can appreciate the skimpies I spent a small fortune on. (If you really need someone else to appreciate your skimpies, just go post pictures of 'em on craigslist. Trust me, someone out there will appreciate it a whole lot. Not that I know, first hand, mind you. I am just wise in the ways of craigslist.)

*OK. I have eaten my potato and this post and my waistline have both gotten much larger than previously predicted*

So all skimpies aside. If you're single, stop waiting. Just start going about doing the things that you want to do. Invest your time in committing to things that matter to you. I've committed my time to this blog, to my career(s), to my many wonderful and rewarding friendships. And I am no worse off by it.

And if you're dead set thinking that the only thing for you in life is to get married and produce offspring, well, that is totally OK. Just commit to doing something you like also. Maybe it's related to marriage (hey! you could be like J.Lo and become a Wedding Planner).

Regardless, if you commit to yourself, you're well on your way to a happy ending.

Monday, January 5, 2009

There are about three super nice guys that I have dated in my many years of singledom.

One of them, The Landlord, was not only very kind, attractive and functional but he also WANTED to be a provider. That was a new concept to me at the time and I wasn't sure I liked it. I didn't know WHY I didn't like it or that it made me feel uncomfortable. I am sure he would have had no problems with his girlfriend or wife working but he wanted to be sure that she wouldn't need to.

I, of course, wanted to work so for me this wasn't some great boon. It made him a good person, yes, but it didn't hold a whole lot of value to me because I didn't want to be provided for.

This quickly became a moot point when I moved 2,000 miles away and refused to move back. He had a home and a business and roots back where I came from and wasn't interested in following me.

We kept in touch for a while and at some point I asked him what he wanted in a partner mainly because I was confused as to why he was ever interested in me in the first place (I couldn't imagine why a quality guy would actually be interested in me).

His response made me gag a little. "A beautiful sidekick" he said.

And he meant it. He meant it in the best of ways. He wanted to continue to live his life and he wanted a woman who wanted to live his life with him. He would love her and think she was beautiful (even if she was just average) and he would provide for her and show her a really good time. She would be blessed. She would be cherished. And she would NOT be me.

I've been observing other people's relationships for a heck of a long time now and it seems that, for the most part, many of the successful ones fall into this pattern:

One person is dominant (usually the man) and that person is the one who follows their dream, makes the money and calls the shots. The other person (usually the woman but not always) is living their dream by contributing to the dream of the dominant person. Here is an example.

A husband is a real estate broker and runs the business. The wife used to stay at home to care for the children (her dream but also his) and is now the office manager for the real estate office.

A young man has a dream of opening a cutting edge restaurant. His girlfriend has extensive marketing experience and he convinces her to quit her real and do marketing for the restaurant.

The two above examples are totally awesome ways to live life. There is nothing wrong with them. Both people are using their skills towards a common dream.

The problem for me is that I do not want to be a beautiful sidekick. I have my own dream which I can not put aside for the dream of another person. Like it or not, I am an ambitious and capable woman. I have struggled with this part of myself for a long time because there is a part of me that wishes I could have been satisfied staying back in my hometown and marrying some boy-next-door and having dinner every Saturday at my parent's house.

Living a more conventional life just seems so much more simple. The truth is that I simply do not want that life. I thrive in the world that I live in which is one of change, exploration and constant challenge. I am an explorer, an entrepreneur and I am wildly ambitious. I want to be the star, not the assistant.

So. OK then. If I don't want to BE a sidekick, maybe I should HAVE one.

Interesting.

But I've also dated some very sweet guys who were not ambitious, were not adventurous, were not self-directed. They were pretty hot though, at least to me. They would qualify for the role of a "sexy sidekick" in my life right?

And they were hella boring. Sorry to put it that way but I do not think there is any nicer way to say it. Maybe they weren't boring but I was bored by them none-the-less. I didn't want to spend all my time with someone who just did whatever I did or whatever I wanted to do. I didn't want to be in charge of everything and calling all the shots. I don't want to be a provider for someone else no matter how attractive they are.

So, when it comes down to it, I'd prefer a peer. The whole sidekick setup doesn't work for me. I'm not dissing it but I am rejecting it for myself. There are lots of A types out there who need a sidekick and there are lots of people out there who would LOVE to be provided for.

I am not one of them.

Does this doom me to being single forever? No. It merely reduces the pool of potential mates. This does not bother me anymore. I am not worried that I have set my standards too high and must now suffer alone for eternity.

Heck no! First of all, I am not SUFFERING alone. Second of all, I have developed a deep faith that the right person is going to be so badassly perfect that he will be thrown into my path when I least expect it.

If two people are going to share a very specific ambition (outside of raising a family) in which they both contribute equally as creators, instigators and providers there is no way they CAN'T find each other.

And if my life is not going to be made so much more awesome by the random/unexpected arrival of Mr. Badassely Perfect, well, heck, I can just continue doing what I am doing surrounded by my (married and single) network of family, friends and community.

DC Comics has this thing called The Justice League. Its Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman and some of the other DC characters. They all come together to fight crime. They are all still superheros on equal footing.

That is the life I am looking for.

Maybe I should post that on craigslist: Wonder Woman seeks Superman. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh-ha. Hell NO. Because that my dear friends is desperate dating!

If you've tried to post a comment and you've been defeated, you're not alone! I am trying to figure this out. There seems to be some glitch in the template which doesn't like to do comments and it making me crazy.

If you have any ideas on how to fix this, please let me know via email (all the settings are correct so it must be something else).

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I don't know if I've truly overcome my desperate dating ways or if I've just learned to manage them. I've always been a desperate dater starting at the ripe age of 11. Ahhhh. 6th grade. Here is where desperate dating all began for me:

Chapter 1

In the 6th grade I had a crush on a boy with striking blue eyes and a photographic memory. And he acted like he hated me. In my 6th grade class, there was only one other girl who I perceived to be my competition in the popularity contest for queen-of-the-playground. I thought I was hot stuff. I had my leggings and my NKOTB t-shirt and I was climbing my way to the top.

Well, Blue Eyes saw me one day out in front of the school after all the other kids had gone home. We both lived in the neighborhood and he was riding his bike around and I was leaving school after some extra-curricular-popularity-enhancing activity. When he saw me, instead of calling me a ho-bag or trying to throw something of mine on the roof, he merely started talking to me.

I was sooooo flattered. And after that we began having secret love chats on the phone and in person but at school he still acted like a turd towards me. And I accepted this. I accepted the fact that I acted like a total idiot chasing him around at school (which I am sure he secretly liked) while he repeatedly refused to acknowledge me.

This finally ended in the summer when another boy who was rather troubled and turned out to be a big liar showed some more interest in me and I dumped Blue over the phone for the troubled lad (although troubled lad had never officially asked me to be his girlfriend).

Now, this behavior MIGHT be appropriate (on some adolescent planet) for a 6th grader but unfortunately it seems that I never outgrew it. I continued well into my 20s to be willing to be involved with guys who really didn't care that much about me or who weren't mature enough to be in a relationship. I don't know why I did this. Or maybe I do but there isn't enough space here for me to explain it.

All I know is that these, my friends, are the signs of desperate dating!

Chapter Two (unfortunately, the story is not over)

Thanks to the evil that is named "myspace", I was reunited with Blue a couple years ago. We were both still single and stunned that many of our classmates had walking, talking, school aged children. He, as a grownup, was smart and funny and we flirted intensely over myspace; then email; then text; then phone. Then he came to visit. It was a disaster. He thought he was coming to get laid and I thought he was coming so we could fall in love and start our life together.

That was a bit of a miscommunication.

The Moral Is:

Neither chapter one or chapter two of this story would exist if it weren't for my lack of self esteem, my desire to be included, and my feelings of desperation regarding relationships.

I've always felt that I was "running out of time" even when I was 13 years old. Being an old maid is something I secretly believed to be my fate from pre-puberty. Why? Heck! I still don't know the answer to that. I just always thought that I was the kind of girl/woman that men were repulsed by and found unacceptable. Even in my leggings and NKOTB shirt, I was just a fraud and once they got to know the real me, they'd run away screaming. The fact that Blue Eyes only ran away screaming on the playground but not in private was, to my 6th grade thinking, an excellent sign for our future as a couple.

One point that I'd like to make is this: Desperate dating does not necessarily have anything to do with age. It has to do entirely with a sense of panic and dread and feeling essentially unacceptable to the opposite sex. That sense of panic can be present long before puberty.

The only way I know to overcome desperate dating is to take a step back and a) start coaching yourself (or actually get someone to coach you) to value yourself deeply and b) to take a big step back and commit to figuring yourself out before you run off chasing any more potential partners.

The singlution is a fledgling movement, started right here, which supports single people in living full and satisfying lives just the way they are. It celebrates single living and offers hope and community to people who struggle with single life.

What is the Singlutionary?

The Singlutionary is actually a who. Singlutionary refers to both the author of this blog (kinda like a self-appointed revolutionary for single people) and it also refers to anyone who wants to live life as a satisfied single and feels really brave doing it or anyone who totally gets what this blog is all about and wants to partake in the singlution!

What IS this blog about?

Good question. Its about several things: its about me and my experiences, its about being a solid/satisfed/non-searching single and its also about the trials of being single and how best to overcome them or how I overcame them, at least (I make no guarantees).

What made you decide to write this blog?

I have been single for almost ALL of my adult life (and before that also). Not just single-as-in-not-married but single-as-in-not-even-a-successful-relationship-in-sight. So why then, was I the recipient of everyone's midnight calls seeking advice about marriage or engagement or lack of engagement or potential date or lack thereof? I have no bloody clue. What I do know is that I've done all the wrong things a single person can do and I FINALLY figured out how I can live a happy satisfying search-free life just where I am. And I want to share that because the path to here was pretty lonely and very frustrating.

There is little community/support for single people that isn't about hooking up. This blog is an attempt to provide a healthy forum for single people to live and breathe and grow and communicate.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Three years ago I moved to a new city where I knew nobody at all. This was perhaps the most brave thing I had done in my life up until then. At the time, I didn't know how hard it would be to re-establish myself without any connections or how much I had taken for granted back home.

But my bravery was rewarded and three years later I find myself with wonderful friends and part of excellent, supportive communities. (I am not in contact with one single guy I dated in the past three years, however.)

I now encounter, on a regular basis, other people moving here with few or no contacts. They are giving themselves a fresh start, getting a new job or chasing a dream just like I was (well, except the job part).

One of the easiest ways to get started in a new city (it does help to be in a city and not in the middle of nowhere) it to join meetup.com

Even if you've been in the same place for forever but you still find yourself with empty social time where you sit around feeling sorry for yourself, this is a great thing.

How it works:

You don't have to join to search. You enter your zip code or city and search for meetup groups by topic or actual events by date.

Each meetup is led by a regular person (I used to lead one in my fair city and you could lead one too) who posts events and then members of that group get an email and can RSVP for the event. If you find a group that interests you and you find an event that works with your schedule and you actually show up, you'll meet other folks who are there to meet other folks and you already know that you have something in common.

This is not a website for singles (although some groups are for singles or geared towards singles) but many of the events attract singles because they have the time and are looking to do something social and meet new people.

My experience with meetup has been excellent. The larger groups have excellent turnout to their events so you know that you'll find someone cool to talk to. Also, meetup doesn't seem to attract the freaks so much.

In todays day and age, unless you are part of a vibrant church or political community, you might find yourself alone on Saturday night. Don't pine away! Meetup!

I meetup-ed some cities for examples:

So if you live in, say, Bozeman, Montana (kinda sorta the middle of nowhere) there are 4 meetup groups you could join (Divorcees, Athiests, Ron Paulers and a Playgroup). Hopefully one of them floats your boat. OK. That was a horrible example. Apparently if you live in Bozeman, meetup is an awful suggestion and the best advice I can give you is to move to a bigger city.

How about Madison, Wisconsin? There are 83 meetups in Madison. So if you live in Bozeman, you might want to get a uhaul and head east.

Friday, January 2, 2009

The Singlution is about happy, healthy and full living as a single person!

What ever happened to single being a normal thing and not some alternative lifestyle* that you're afraid to tell your mom about?

And why is it so difficult for our culture to grasp the notion that being on your own does not necessarily entail: desperate-housewife-like behavior (hey, those bitches are all housewives, by the way), unchartable horniness (mainly for men), a lack of safety (mainly for women), poor diet (men), the wasting away of ovaries (women), pathetic pitiful wasting away in general (everyone), the spread of disease and/or the collection of cats (men, then women respectively).

So if you're single and are already living a fulfilling lifestyle all on your own, or if you're not single but want to stand in support of the single people around you, you're already a part of the Singlution. If you're single and want to find support as you grow into yourself, this is a place for you. If you're newly single and you have no idea how to live life without a spouse/partner/lover, the Singlution is on your side.

By joining the Singlution, you are not taking a vow of singleness or swearing off companionship. You are simply acknowledging that being single is a great way to get to know yourself and to become your own best companion while enjoying a vital network of non-romantic relationships (which will inevitably bless any relationship you might find yourself in down the road).

Single is not the same as seeking!

But enough of that therapy talk. Join the Singlution already! Follow this blog, tell a friend or make a new one! And buy a shirt and a postcard when you get a chance (they're coming! keep checking back!)

*The Singlutionary is all about taking the "alternative" out of many different lifestyles. We all should all be able to tell our moms about who we love, how we worship, what we eat, who we voted for (or didn't vote for) and where we work, etc., etc., etc!