Oh, it will sound even more like you in a second. You see, while taking an unearned break from doing your job, you decided to use an important-looking computer to tell Facebook how you weren't doing your job. During this you somehow triggered a shrinking device attached to said computer.

Ahh. This is all sounding familiar now. They did tell me not to touch certain things during training.

A training session you spent mainly trying to remember the lyrics to the DuckTales theme song.

I only got the "Oooh-OOOH-ooh" part.

It is the best part.

This weapons lab is pretty disgusting. I can see why they'd need a janitor.

It already has one, and technically, you're just a "Probational Janitor's Assistant." Also, this isn't the laboratory you're standing in.

It's not?

No. This is the inside of the keyboard you were using, which is where the shrink ray was evidently focused. Keyboards aren't known for being hygienic at the best of times, and this one looks like it was primarily used by someone with some kind of skin condition.

Loneliness is technically a condition, yes. So is a lack of self-control.

Squick. OK, how do I get out of this?

Well, let's find out a little bit more about what happened. So you're now like a quarter-inch tall. Is your weight proportionally less, or do you still somehow weigh hundreds of pounds?

I never weighed hundreds of pounds before.

Look, I'm just trying to get an idea of the orders of magnitudes we're dealing with here. Whether you weighed 100 or 500 pounds before doesn't really matter at this step. This isn't a personal attack.

OK.

So, then. If you weighed 500 pounds before, how much do you weigh now?

Fuck you. I'm lighter; I'm not crushing things with every step, if that's what you're asking.

Were you crushing things with every step before?

Just from clumsiness.

Got it. OK, this tells us something. This shrink ray doesn't just reduce the space between your atoms. The Honey I Shrunk The Kids methodology.

At 80-150 pounds, with a surface area of 1 square millimeter, every single one of these children would have disappeared into that soft mud and suffocated. Not the kind of crowd-pleasing ending we expect from Disney movies, unless it was playing to a crowd of scientists, who of course hate children.

So if you weigh less, that would imply you're composed of less matter now.

So what does that mean?

Well it must mean you feel super strong then. Way stronger than before. Can you jump really high?

Let me see. -labored grunting sound- About a foot.

Holy shit!

Wait. No. Scale. Right. Uh. Knee height, I guess. Maybe a millimeter.

Huh. That doesn't make any sense.

Why not? That was about proportionally what I could jump before.

It's called the square-cube law. By shrinking, your volume has decreased much faster than your surface area. And because your weight is proportional to your volume, and your bone and muscle strength are proportional to their cross-sectional area, you should be super strong now. And yet here you are, more pencil-necked then before.

Congratulations! You are no longer shrunk to a fraction of your size! Should you require any further advice, please consult our guide: So You're About To Lose Your Job After Your Employer Found You Destroying Company Property While Mysteriously Covered in A Coworker's Pubic Hair.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. Join him on Facebook or Twitter where he will brush your hair and whisper terrible things into your ear.