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For the last three days I've been haunting BookBob to find a book that might be worth reading and critiquing its first page. But the thrillers all seem to be gruesome serial killer stories that I'm not in the mood for, or the writing is so, well, less than professional I don't want to go there.

A week or so I finished the second draft of a novel that is now out with beta readers, so there's some down time. To give you something to chew on, here's the first chapter from The Hollywood Unmurders, The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. I appreciate your feedback. There will be a poll, of course, and the rest of the chapter follows the break.

I'll admit that this genre-bending story isn't right for some folks, but that's okay.

Ray

Chapter 1: Patch mixes it up with coyotes and cops

I hate to admit this, but there are times when my natural tomcat modus operandi—you know, I-am-an-independent-entity-who-doesn’t-give-a-meow-what-you-think—is, shall we say, less than fruitful. Like tonight, when Meg let me out for a late-night prowl after we finished her delivery route. She ruffled my fur as I stood at the front door of our apartment and said, “Be careful, Patch. They say a coyote never met a cat it didn’t like.”

What did I do? Roll my eyes.

So now I’m hunkered down behind the H in the HOLLYWOOD sign, straining to hear movement from the giant hunchback coyote over by the W.

Yes, a giant hunchback coyote, at least twice the size of any coyote I’ve ever seen. That serene full moon up above has turned into a spotlight aimed at me, and there’s new meaning to “snack attack.”

While cats are not inclined to admit a mistake—ever—well, I was wrong, Meg.

I wouldn’t be worried if it were a dog—who worries about a creature that has devoted eons of evolution to tail-wagging and drooling?

But this is a sharp-fanged carnivore with an appetite for fillet of cat. Oh, I’ll have my revenge—noshing on a vampire kitty-cat will give him a terminal case of indigestion. Unfortunately, by then I won’t be in any condition to say gotcha.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.

There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.

It happens in the NOW of the story.

Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.

Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.

The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Thinblade. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Alexander let the arrow fly. It was a clean shot, easily two hundred feet across the pasture. The wolf yelped and squealed in pain before stumbling to the ground and mewling for a few moments until it fell still and silent. The other wolves scattered a bit, looking for the threat.

“Nice shot,” Darius said as he drew, sighted, and loosed his arrow. It glided silently in a gentle arc and hit another wolf in the haunch. The wolf barked in pain and hobbled into the wood line. Darius frowned.

Abigail loosed her arrow and missed again. She muttered something under her breath.

Their father had sent them to hunt a pack of wolves that had been killing calves in the north pasture. They’d been at it for a few days and were finally having some luck.

“Be still. They haven’t seen us,” Darius said as he nocked another arrow.

Alexander shot again. He wanted to be done with this and go home. Another wolf fell. His arrow had caught it broadside, pinning it to the ground.

Darius and Abigail both hit the same wolf.

“Hey!” Abigail shot her brother a dirty look. She hadn’t gotten anything all morning and now her first kill was compromised by her older brother’s arrow.

He smiled, nocking another arrow. Abigail scowled, then abruptly drew another arrow and took careful aim of an empty wood line. She relaxed the tension on her finely crafted (snip)

This novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This is the first in an epic fantasy series, and fantasy readers are accustomed to, and will often forgive, leisurely openings. But, still, there’s no reason to NOT have tension on your first page, is there?

The voice is good, and the writing mostly works. There is one logic flaw, though—Alexander shoots a wolf “broadside” which pins the wolf to the ground. Unless the archer was just about directly overhead, this would be impossible, it seems to me. Yes, the arrows are arcing down, but one in the wolf’s side pinning it to the ground? Seems unlikely to me.

Jeopardy and violence do follow pretty soon, and, if I were this author’s editor, I’d have skipped all the family dynamics and gotten to the point where an arrow pierces Alexander’s brother, Darius. That is the inciting incident, and it deserves to come sooner rather than later. I may end up reading this as I go through a lot of books while on the treadmill, but the opening could have been much stronger. Nice cover, though. Your thoughts?

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.

There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.

It happens in the NOW of the story.

Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.

Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.

The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Vicky sends the introduction and first chapter for a fantasy romance, A Man’s Face. The first 17 lines of both part follow, the rest is after the break.

Introduction

Tenswislo Artuvencha, the twelfth Grand Duke of Accomplishments, invented among other things; a two-handled egg whip, a door carriage that transported to all the rooms of the house, and a hip mirror to help a person study their own backside. But those weren’t the accomplishments he became famous for. Actually there was only one accomplishment that was worth anything; The Towering Tenswislo Sandcastle Builder.

I’d pondered the builder on many occasions. The sandcastles were marvelous. I’d explored them for years, and yet I hadn’t come to define them. I was working on theory really, trying to find a way to bring legend to life. It was all based on sand and the miracles Tenswislo formed out of it. I was an unusual person to still remain so involved; the bulk of the population had given up wondering why the invention worked so well. I remembered seeing Tenswislo standing in front of an audience of scientists once which, it was rumored, most of whom thought he was crazy.

“Put your laws away,” the Grand Duke had croaked. “Sand is too simple for laws. There’s no magic in sand, unless you can find magic in rock. But watch,” he added, reaching in a bowl, scooping up a handful of golden, pliable grains of sand, and then spilling it down, back into the bowl.

“All sizes,” he whispered. “Some like dust, some like tiny pebbles. Some so small you (snip)

Not all sand can be found in the desert. There was sand bordering the ocean too. In the large city of Megund of the vacationers left the heated streets in the summertime and retired to the beach at Azarah to play. Rugged and beautiful mountains rimmed the waters. The water crashed to shore with foamy white caps and a turquoise gleam of purity. Here you could find tourist towns that sold shells and driftwood furniture, and bright holiday clothing. The people built houses to stay in that boarded up for the winter and opened to the sea air in the summer. Inns and hotels bloomed near the pristine shoreline. Even some castles were built for the wealthy to stay and run along the edge of the water in new sandals and summer dress.

But none of those hotels or castles, wooden shanties or bungalows was as beautiful, ornately constructed or as natural as the sandcastle that had its first wall set where the water flooded all around it at high tide. This sandcastle was the first one Tenswislo had ever built. Situated in a deserted spot here the beach curved like the inside of a bowl. And the sandcastle rose from the sand, tall with pinnacles, room after room squared off in smooth luxury. When children settle on the beach with shovel and pail this is the sandcastle they dream of building. It was a place of dreams, of sand walls shimmering in the sun like diamonds and amber. Here more than anywhere else I believed in Uncle Tenswislo’s words. I knew I had to discover the world that he’d gotten lost in. Walking deep inside the hallways of the sandcastle built by the ocean I (snip)

I enjoyed the writing in these pages. And the Introduction did arouse my curiosity. Sand castles are nifty things. So far, so good. However . . .

For me, entertaining writing and curiosity aren’t enough. In neither page did I learn what this story is about as far as the protagonist is concerned. Sand castles, yes, but what about them? And there’s an ambiguity that I would like resolved—what is the size of these sand castles? In looking further, it seems that they are large enough for people to go into—you learn that the protagonist lives in the one on the beach. And they are permanent, otherwise the tide would wash away the beach castle. But this isn’t clear, and I think it should be. It would enhance the appeal of the world and the mystery of the sand castles.

Despite the interesting world that’s being created here—and most of this does seem to be world-building—the character never has a problem to solve, an event in his life that he has to deal with. Nothing is wrong, and there’s nothing on the horizon that could go wrong. These passages lack story questions, which means they lack the tension needed to reach the level of compelling. I think this story needs to start later, when something happens to the character that he must deal with. That event is not in the first chapter, as far as I can see. Your thoughts?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.

There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.

It happens in the NOW of the story.

Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.

Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.

The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Wired Rogue. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Children shouldn’t be treated like slaves. Anger tightened Special Agent Sophie Ang’s hands as she adjusted the binoculars a little more to focus in on ten kids of various ages, bent over in a water-filled patch of land planted in the deep green, heart-shaped leaves of the Hawaiian kalo. They wore bathing suits and palm frond hats as they worked in the hot sun, an adult supervising from the shade of a nearby palm tree.

Taro farming was backbreaking work, and it looked like the Society of Light cult was using their smallest members to work with the submerged tubers, a staple of the Hawaiian diet. Sophie’s partner in the operation, Ken Yamada, shifted restlessly beside her in the camouflage surveillance tent on a rise of ground across the river from the compound. “Ten is more children than we were told about,” he murmured.

“We have to locate the two targets,” Sophie said, for the benefit of their SAC, Waxman, monitoring through their comms. “Can’t identify the children positively yet.” The homemade hats hid the red blond hair the children’s mother had told the agents to look for. Sophie widened her scan, and took in the rest of the cult’s property.

A high wooden wall provided cover and security for the compound deep in the Waipio Valley on Hawaii. Surrounding their location were the vast, steep, green-jungled walls of the largest, deepest valley on the Big Island. Rising to breathless heights, bisected by a giant (snip)

This novel earned an enviable 4.7 stars on Amazon. We’re immersed immediately in a problem situation through the thoughts of the protagonist—it seems that children are in peril and that she might be a rescuer. The scene is well set, and the narrative promises action ahead. The narrative does head for more extensive description of the location, but I think that’s acceptable at this point. Hawaii is exotic to most of us, I suspect, and the nature of this valley does contribute to the plot. I thought it was worth finding out more. Your thoughts?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.

There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.

It happens in the NOW of the story.

Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.

Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.

The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of The Fixer. Should this author have hired an editor?

JC Bannister sat comfortably on the worn leather bench in a booth in the back corner of the bar. He was close enough to see the exit through the back entryway but not close enough to smell the bathroom. The tables around him were lightly populated with the Tuesday evening after-work set. Lawyers, lobbyists, aides to politicians. Bannister hated D.C.

The man across from him introduced himself as Mr. Rothstein. Expensive, well-tailored, three-piece suit, probably from Saville Row in London. Nice shoes to match, likely Italian. Jaeger-LeCoultre Reverso watch that easily cost as much as the suit and shoes combined. It all added up to serious money.

Good for JC.

The man was near six feet tall, about the same height as JC. Similar swimmer’s build but Rothstein was much softer. More slender. Calluses on his hands from the weights at the gym, but lacking the toughness of real work. Which meant neither military nor law enforcement.

Good for JC as well.

There was also a discrete and almost imperceptible listening device in Mr. Rothstein’s ear, positioned just poorly enough to permit the earwig to be seen.

This was bad for JC.

JC’s team was in place. Joan was positioned near the bar, about twenty-five feet away (snip)

This novel earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. This opening does a good job with setting the scene—we know where we are and who we are with. On the other hand, the laundry list of details about Rothstein feels like stuff I’ve read before. It’s solid, but not fresh.

On the other other hand, there is some story tension. JC is poised to do something, and he has a team waiting in place. The line about “bad for JC” was a nice twist that does raise story questions and suggest that something is about to go wrong. For me, this was just enough to move me on, but the story had better deliver pretty soon. Your thoughts?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.

There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.

It happens in the NOW of the story.

Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.

Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.

The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue of To Kill a Killer. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Cody Parker listened with rapt attention to every word his mentor, Tanner, said to him. Cody was believed to have died during a massacre committed by members of a drug cartel. To avoid discovery, he was going by the name of Xavier Zane. Only Spenser knew his true name.

An exceptional marksman with rifles and handguns, Cody was having difficulty mastering the longbow.

Cody stood in a field wearing a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off, his arms and shoulders were lean and muscular, but weary from the hours of practice he’d already put in. However, Cody was resolute in his goal to be a marksman with the bow.

He was one of two protégés that Tanner had taken on. A boy named Romeo was the other apprentice in the art of assassination. Romeo was standing five yards to Cody’s left and was firing at a similar target and doing far better at it. Despite the innate rivalry that existed between the two teens, Cody thought of Romeo as a friend.

But friendship aside, Cody was determined to prove himself worthy of someday wearing the appellation of Tanner; toward that goal he sought to be the best of the best.

The current Tanner, a man named Spenser Hawke, smiled at his student’s enthusiasm, then sought to temper it with wisdom.

“Never try to be the best of the best, Cody; try to be the best you that you can be. If that (snip)

A prologue can work to start a novel, but there’s an art to it—the storytelling art. But you should note that many literary agents profess to skip prologues because they know the real story starts with Chapter 1.

The ones that work are compelling, riveting scenes. The first-page checklist for a prologue is no different that it is for the first chapter. It has to sink its hooks in you with something happening. Unfortunately, too many prologues are slow-moving truckloads of backstory and setup.

The first page of this story launches with confusion with what agent Janet Reid calls “character soup.” There are 4 names mentioned, and we don’t know who they are or what they have to do with the story. Strike number 1.

Then what does the narrative serve up? A training session, backstory, and musing on worthiness and friendship. As for story questions, they are MIA. For me, there was no reason in this prologue to continue reading. I’m being told a bunch of stuff and not being immersed in something dramatic that’s happening.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.

There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.

It happens in the NOW of the story.

Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.

Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.

The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Michelle sends the prologue for a A Man’s Face. The first 17 lines follow, and the rest of the chapter is after the break.

She only wants to light a small fire, just something to ease her stress and pain. One keg is all she needs. The wood will be quick to ignite and the promise of yellow and orange flames flickering and glowing in the dark fills her with anticipation.

The fire lighting started with little things, like playing with matches as a child and watching paper burn in the trash can in her room. At first it was a bizarre curiosity, but now, as her personal pain intensifies the need for thrills grows stronger.

That her father has always doted on her is no comfort. After all, it’s his fault her mother ran away, far away to their family home in Spain - so far that she couldn’t follow. Still being a minor, her father refuses to let her travel. Miguel, her troublemaking brother, takes up their father’s time and attention as he rescues him out of one scrape after another.

The wine barrel aging cave at the far end of the vineyard is her sanctuary, the secret place she retreats to when she feels alone and longing for the mother who deserted her. She pours the flammable chemical on the barrel and flicks the lighter. The oak wood kegs are like kindling and instantly glow with mesmerizing flames. Embers from the one keg decide to jump to the next and the next, and soon the entire shed is ablaze. The flames are higher than she expected, the blaze more encompassing than she had planned. The acrid black smoke billows out and almost blinds her, but she stands in place stunned, entranced. The sight is dangerous and magical at the (snip)

This opening has its virtues: it introduces an interesting character who is clearly doing something wrong, so we can wonder about consequences. However, there are no stakes mentioned, although being burned is an implied possibility. Was it enough for a page turn?

Craft and “reality” issues proved too much of an impediment for this reader despite the drama of the scene. The first stumbling block was “the flammable chemical.” Specifics create reality, vagueness creates not much. The reader will much better “see” what’s happening if you are specific as to what the liquid is. If it is gasoline, then many readers will also be able to smell it, and will have a clear idea of how violently flammable it is. But that, other than some comma faults, isn’t the main issue for me.

I suspect many readers may not have enough fire-lighting experience to spot this logic flaw—a logic flaw is when the reality of what is possible is ignored by what the narrative has happen. In this case, it is the nature of the wood she is burning. Oak is a hardwood and is difficult to get lighted. The flammable liquid she uses would certainly get the job done, but oak can be temperamental and end up smoldering. It’s also known for clean burning, which means that the embers and smoke reported in the narrative are unlikely, and it’s also unlikely that the other barrels will ignite at all, much less as easily as is portrayed here. Bottom line, my personal understanding of what’s happening with the wood undermines the credibility of the story. Too picky? Maybe so, but a good copyeditor would likely point out the same logic flaw. Your thoughts?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.

There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.

It happens in the NOW of the story.

Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.

Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.

The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of Memoirs of a Time Traveler. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

“History, by appraising them of the past, will enable them to judge of the future.” — Thomas Jefferson

On the day he died, Andy Graise awoke in a lousy mood, never dreaming that the greatest afternoon of his life lay ahead. Even if I’d known what would happen, the only way to keep him from his fate would have been for me to kneecap him when I showed up at Dodger Stadium that morning. And what would that have saved him from? Not death. Just early death…but also, his incredible, epic last game.

Now that I’ve mentioned Andy Graise, baseball fans might assume that this narrative will be about him. Or about baseball. They couldn’t be more wrong. Legendary and weird and tragic as Andy’s last day was, it was only prologue for the events that swept me up next.

As for Thomas Jefferson, whom I quoted above, he had it backwards. Meeting an insane babe named Ariyl Moro convinced me that you have to know the future before you can be sure how the past will turn out. Now, I’m not saying you should flip to the last page of this book for the answer. I would never do that, nor advise anyone else to do it. But if that’s you, see you in thirty chapters.

Despite our sharing 168 square feet for nine months, I never truly knew Andy Graise. I was too broke and he was too lazy to move out of the dorm, so we occupied the same three-(snip)

This novel earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. The first chapter tantalizes with story questions about what happened, what made it his greatest game, what made him die early? Probably good enough right there, but Molitor goes on in the second paragraph to say, “You think that’s something? You haven’t seen anything yet.” For me, there’s a big story question in the notion that, even though that last day was “legendary and weird and tragic,” that it was only prologue to events was the clincher. What could top those things? So there’s plenty of promise that there are things to come, and that they involve stakes as high as death. This worked for me. That the writing is also professional was the clincher. Your thoughts?

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.

There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.

It happens in the NOW of the story.

Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.

Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.

The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Michelle sends the first chapter of a fantasy/sci fi novel, Teddie Bear in Space . The first 17 lines follow, and the rest of the chapter is after the break.

The ears were soft and molded, measured exactly to fit the parameters of his head, and curved on top like bear ears. Felix had worked hard to earn those ears, studying till the late hours, working counseling jobs on the side, and undergoing rigorous physical workouts. He’d been hugged so tight he couldn’t breathe, he’d been sobbed on, slapped, tear-kissed, and thrown across the room. Being a Teddie Bear wasn’t an easy task when on board a ship traveling in between dimensions in the Blankensphere.

T.E.D.D.I.E. stood for Trusted- Educated- Deferential- Dedicated- Inspirational- Extrapolator and B.E.A.R. stood for Bearing- Extreme- Apprehension- and Rage. Since the Blankensphere was discovered 20 years ago, and the ships developed to traverse it, Teddie Bears had been assigned to assist in case of any possible tensions the crew might feel. After the first few missions when the sheer unexplained lack of air and space outside the ship’s windows had reduced large portions of the crew to shreds of anxious humanity, Teddie Bears had become necessary officers. Even the Captains were required to be examined by them regularly.

Felix was an experienced Teddie Bear although he was just 22-years-old. But now, as he placed the ears on his head and packed a second pair down into one of his suitcases, he had to admit that this mission was bound to be different. Now that the Blankensphere wasn’t receiving signals from the other side they’d be flying even more blind than usual.

This opening page signals a richly imagined sci fi world, but does it signal a problem ahead for Felix? For me, pausing the narrative to give the words that make up the teddie bear acronyms was a definite speed bump. There is a tease in that this mission was bound to be different and they’d be flying blind, but there’s no actual story question. Or consequences—“flying blind” sounds like a bad thing, but what happens if they do? The opening focuses on setup to the expense of creating tension. Instead of putting on bear ears—and we don’t know their function—and packing a suitcase, how about having something happen/go wrong that Felix, with his abilities as a teddie bear, has to deal with?

Reading on, there’s lots and lots of exposition, setup, and illustration of the world of the story. But there was no story. After he's done packing, we see the environment and then Felix goes to the ship he’s to fly on and then . . . he goes to his office on the ship he’ll travel on. There are no challenges, no issues he has to deal with. There’s more musing about facing danger, but we don’t know what that danger is and what the character has to do with it. I urge Vicky to scrap most of this chapter and look for that point in the story when something goes wrong for Felix that he MUST deal with or something untoward will happen. A richly imagined world is a good thing, but only when something compelling is happening in it. For what it’s worth.