Parenting Information, Parents Tips & Parent Advice As Well As Looking Back On Childhood

I wrote the previous entry dealing with kids throwing temper tantrums. I mentioned the problem of unchecked behavioral fits in childhood leading to magnified issues in teens and adults. In this entry, I want to share some personal observations of outright temper tantrums that I’ve witnessed.

These go far beyond a child whining in a store and crying at the checkout line because the mother refuses to buy candy or a toy that the kid wants. However, I’m willing bet that in all the stories below, the people initially threw milder temper tantrums that were not handled properly by their parents. They later escalated into the kinds of behavior I witnessed below.

Throwing Tempter Tantrums At School

The first one goes back to school days. There was a kid in school who used to have temper outbursts when he got upset. I remember one incident that happened outside on the playground during recess.

I don’t recall now what set off the boy off on this particular day, but no doubt it was just a simple everyday childhood occurrence that should not set off some kind of behavioral fit.

Wouldn’t you just love to deal with a temper tantrum like this?

He started screaming gesturing wildly. That led to hyperventilating and his yes rolling back in his head. That wasn’t even the most dramatic stage!

That came when he rolled around on the groung kicking and crying. The whole incident finally ended when he was literally carried off the playground in a heap into the school by several older boys from higher grades.

Do you think there is any way in the world that was his first ever temper tantrum or were there perhaps a few others before they got bad like that?

Throwing Temper Tantrums At Work

The second story is about a workplace tantrum. There was a disagreement about procedures in the department. The participants in the discussion happened to be standing. One of them started grunting and stamping his feet when the discussion was clearly not going his way.

One of the coworkers asked him later why he was stamping his feet like a little kid when he couldn’t get his own way. He looked right at her and answered honestly, “Because it has always worked when I do that.”

Adults throwing temper tantrums aren’t pretty to witness.

Lest you think it is only men or boys or who have these tempter tantrum fits, the last story features a woman. This is also a workplace incident. The woman was upset over something justifiably frustrating that happened.

She stood up from her desk and slammed the side of the computer. She knocked the chair over as she pushed it out of her way to leave the cubicle.

She punched the wall on her way to the door. She kicked the door open and then slammed it behind her. She didn’t return to her desk that day.

Nobody knew where she went, but I assume she went home. The best part? She actually came back to work the next day and continued to work there!

Seriously, if you are a parent, learn to control temper tantrums right now or someone may be writing stories like this about your kid when he or she is thirty years old.

We’ve all seen kids throw temper tantrums. If you haven’t seen a temper tantrum recently and you feel you need a refresher course, just go to a busy department store or grocery store. It won’t take long to find a kid throwing a fit in public because a mother or father refuses to buy something that the kid wants.

Uncontrolled childhood temper tantrums lead to adult temper tantrums.

If children’s temper tantrums are bad (and they definitely are), what about adult temper tantrums? Have you ever witnessed one of those in public at a store? Or worse, at your workplace? Or even worse, in your own household?

Why Childhood Temper Tantrums Lead To Adult Temper Tantrums

Did you ever wonder why on earth an adult would throw a tantrum? I’ll tell you why. It’s a direct result of how the adult’s parents reacted when that adult was throwing fits as a child.

Don’t kid yourself. Seriously, it really is that simple to understand. As James Lehman states it, “The way you respond to a tantrum will shape every tantrum a kid has from now until he is sixty years old.” Let me say: GOD, IS THAT TRUE!

Lehman also added an accurate and frightening thought. “A temper tantrum at age thirteen or fourteen will put holes in your wall.” That’s why you need to get temper issues under control as soon as possible.

Whatever stage your kid happens to be at when it comes to throwing fits, you need to deal with them IMMEDIATELY. If you don’t you can pretty much guarantee that things are going to get worse.

If you don’t want things like happening with your kids, check out The Total Transformation Program for help with dealing with temper tantrums.

How did you respond when you first saw the title: Should Parents Love Kids Unconditionally? Did you think I was asking a rhetorical question?

Did you think the question was silly because everyone in the world would automatically respond with the same answer?

I have to admit when I first head the parents discussing that in The Total Transformation Program, I thought to myself, why are they wasting time with something like that? I was surprised to hear The Total Transformation Program creator James Lehman (a licensed family therapist) say the answer to the question of whether parents should love kids unconditionally is no!

Unconditional Parental Love as Explained in The Total Transformation

When he explained his answer though, it makes sense. You just need to get over the initial shock and think about what he is saying to realize he is right.

He said, “I don’t know about you, but I don’t love people who assault me.” With all the stuff you read in the news practically every day about children threatening, hurting and even murdering their parents, I can see why James Lehman would reasonably make that distinction.

He went even further stating that a parent’s attitude should be, “I love the idea of you being my son, but you must treat me with respect.” Lehman says he calls that the concept of loving someone responsibly as opposed to unconditionally. I think he’s on to something there.

It reminds me of different families I’ve known over the years. Some kids knew they could literally get away with anything because their parents would forgive them and everything would always be all right at the end no matter how disobedient they were or what trouble they caused. Ultimately, those kids really had no long lasting consequences for anything they did.

Other kids I knew wouldn’t dare do anything wrong because they literally feared their parents wouldn’t forgive them or love them anymore, thus bad behavior would have serious negative consequences.

Although neither of those two situations may be ideal, you need to ask yourself which of the two is better in the long term for the kids.

I love the phrase “task oriented consequences” which I heard in audio lesson number three of The Total Transformation Program. It’s one of those things that James Lehman and the parents discuss on the CD that just jumps out at you when you listen to it. I had to comment upon it here.

There is a point in this section of the Total Transformation Program DVD which is crucial to implementing the whole program successfully in your household. Everyone in our society wants instant fixes to everything like get rich quick schemes instead of doing the work it takes to build a solid foundation of income and assets over the years.

Repetition, practice, and rehearsal set kids up for success with task oriented consequences.

Of course, it comes as no surprise (and who could rally blame them) that frustrated parents want an instant fix to bad behaviors exhibited by their kids. There are many ideas in The Total Transformation Program that actually can help make improvements very quickly in problem areas. However, the overall program is one of improving parenting skills which means, like all skill building, things improve over time.

Achieving Task Oriented Consequences Success

In the introductory portion of the parenting workbook, James Lehman even says specifically that many parents will want to rush through the whole package immediately, but they should take their time working on one lesson a week. That way, they can absorb the information better and focus on that one parenting skill / behavioral outcome for the week and see it in action in multiple circumstances.

Anyway, the point is that parents need to set reasonable goals in a progressive manner for themselves. It stands to reason that the same concept applies when setting the goals for the changes in the child’s behavior.

Parents need to establish reasonable goals from wherever the child is at the moment. Yes, the overall goal at the end is still the same, but parents need to be able to see and celebrate the individual steps it takes to reach the goal at the top of the stairway!

He is so right. That made me think of two things – taking music lessons and memorizing multiplication tables.

When a kid first attempts to learn an instrument or tackle the concept of multiplication in math class, the basic instruction required must ensure that the kids understand what is being taught. Beyond that, the only way to master musical skills or math skills is to constantly practice and repeat.