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I Was Molested at Age 15

To speak truth to power takes enormous courage and strength because in front of you exists a mass of threat, abuse and hurtful lies against you.

In an attempt to silence you, you will be demeaned, undermined, attacked, blamed and ignored. Yet never forget…

“The simple step of a courageous individual is not to take part in the lie. One word of truth outweighs the world.”

Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn

I Was Molested at Age 15

I was 15 years old. I was at a relative’s wedding reception at the home of the bride. I was in an upstairs room viewing the gifts that were on display. I was alone. A man came up from behind me, aggressively turned me around and forcefully thrust his tongue into my mouth with a long French kiss. I was shocked at first and then tried to pull away, but he had a firm hold on me.

Upon releasing me he said, “Remember, this is our secret,” falsely implicating that I was a willing participant, and then he went downstairs to joyfully socialize with the married couple and their guests. The man was the Catholic priest who had just married them.

I was stunned. I stood there frozen with confusion, trying to process what had just happened to me. I couldn’t. It didn’t make sense. I remember going down the stairs, joining my parents and remaining silent. I watched the priest being adored by the people surrounding him. I remember the jovial social laughter. I remember feeling disconnected from it all as if I was in a bubble.

This salacious “secret” remained in that bubble for many, many years. I told no one, not even my closest friend or my loving, supportive parents. I wasn’t ashamed because knew I had done nothing whatsoever to provoke being molested, but for reasons I did not understand, I remained silent.

Perhaps it was the dominant male culture, or that he was a priest, or because he was loved by all or because there were no witnesses and it was my word against his, or because I was young and innocent to the ways of the world. I don’t know why I, a very independent, outspoken, confident girl (even at 15) remained silent…but I did.

In the many years following, I occasionally revisited that experience and when I did, I pushed it back into the protective bubble. It was not until the scandal surrounding the Catholic priests molesting children became public that a long held anger welled up within me. The bubble burst! Reality hit. I, too, had been physically and sexually VIOLATED! It was NOT okay and I would no longer remain silent.

I immediately called my relative, (the bride), and asked for the priest’s name and contact information and she told me he had died. It was too late to get him, but not too late for me to stand up for those who have experienced any form of sexual molestation.

I was one of the luckier ones. I was not raped nor did he attempt to rape me. I was not forced into other sexual acts like so many countless millions…yes…millions of others who have suffered at the hands of men who feel they have a right to use and abuse the vulnerability of others for their own satisfaction.

If you have never experienced any form of sexual molestation, and if you do not believe a woman remembers who did it, then you need to shut up and listen, because you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

I remember that priest’s face as if he were standing in front of me right now. He was a complete stranger, but I KNEW who did it. I do not remember arriving or leaving the reception. I do not remember anything more about the house and I have no idea of the address.

I do remember the stairs, the upstairs room, the wedding gifts on display on a large table, that I was wearing my favorite light blue dress, AND seared in my memory is the attack.

There is not a woman alive (or a man) who does not remember who violated them. You do NOT forget that kind of thing. You do NOT confuse that person with someone else. You KNOW who did it and you will remember him for the rest of your life.

I have not forgotten a vulgar, unwanted French kiss and I cannot imagine how anyone could have the audacity and ignorance to challenge the memory of a clearly courageous, credible woman who has experienced the violence of an attempted rape.

Virtually everyone who heard Christine Blasey Ford’s account of the sexual attack on her, admits that she gave a very credible, compelling accounting. She was not making it up. Clearly, it has had a profound negative impact on her life as her therapist notes from several years ago validate. There is not one single person on the Senate judicial committee who does not believe that she experienced a traumatic event.

To not believe her is like victimizing her all over again. I cannot even imagine how I would have felt had I spoken up as a 15 yr. old and not been believed.

This is NOT a political issue for me. To politicize this outrageous, painful event is disgusting. To mock Dr. Ford publicly at a political rally as Trump has done is disgusting, But even more disgusting are the people who clapped and cheered in support.

Worst of all are those on both sides of the Senate (once deemed to be the most distinguished body of leaders in the world) who blatantly disregarded her testimony, some even before hearing her.

However, of the 51 Republican senators, it appears only 3 (two of whom are women) think she “might” be telling the truth when she identifies Kavanaugh as the attacker. All of the others believe she is confused, messed up, mixed up, or is lying for political purposes and is mistaken when she accuses Kavagnaugh.

Of the 49 Democrats, 46 of them believe her. Three (one of whom is a woman) are “unsure” of Dr. Ford’s testimony when she says she is 100% certain Judge Kavagnaugh was the sexual perpetrator.

I absolutely believe her. I KNOW you never forget someone who violates you, especially an attack like she experienced — in a locked room with two male predators, trapped beneath one who was sexually grinding against her while trying to remove her clothes…and covering her mouth so not only could she not scream, but also could not breathe. You do not forget who those people are.

YOU DO NOT FORGET!!

Do you remember who you were with when you lost your virginity? You bet you do and I hope it was a respectful, mutually condoned experience. Now, ask anyone who has been sexually molested (an extremely negative, sometimes terrifying event) if they remember who did it. There will not be one…not ONE (not even Kellyanne Conway) who will tell you they don’t remember, not ONE who will be confused or mixed up. They remember who did it. THEY KNOW.

Dr. Christine Blasey Ford KNOWS…

I KNOW…and I absolutely believe her.

“Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth against injustice and lying… If people all over the world…would do this, it would change the earth.”

10 Responses

Thank you Martha for this powerful and inspiring message. Many of the details of such an assault on one’s dignity as well as one’s person can easily be forgotten, but the face of the assailant is forever unmistakably imprinted in the mind. Only someone who is indescribably callous and insensitive can doubt that. If that person adds insult to injury by mocking someone of great courage who knowingly puts themselves in a position to receive death death threats and condemnation for telling the truth, they are unworthy of any degree of respect. Their contemptuousness reveals their ignorance and weakness.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I greatly appreciate your concern for me but most especially for the millions of others who have suffered greatly.

Fortunately, thanks to the work I do, I am 100% OK but I use my story as a way to understand and support others who have been molested and in most cases, experienced far, far worse than I did. We all must stick together, men and women, and demand that sexual abuse, attack and harassment STOP. We must speak up loudly and directly to those who lie and attempt to avoid and cover up such criminal, shameful and vulgar behavior. Any action, reaction or inaction that directly or indirectly perpetuates these disgusting acts must be addressed in public with vigor.

In the case of Ford and Kavanaugh, the FBI “investigation” was a sham. Experts at uncovering details, they were not even allowed to interview either Ford or Kavanaugh!!! The whole process is a political farce that demonstrates a total void of integrity. To vote yes for Judge Kavaaugh is a slap in the face to Dr. Ford, a credible woman who clearly was not making things up – and unless they were very, very young, victims of unwanted sexual aggression do NOT forget who assaulted them!!!

Please USE YOUR VOICE. Call the following Senators today and express your views. Tell them you’re going to vote in Nov. and then urge them to stand for integrity and vote NO for Kavanaugh:

Martha I am very sorry that this happened to you. Physically violating someone, especially a child, is a monstrous thing to do!

I was violated as a child as well when I was 5 years old by a 16 yr old babysitter. I have not told people about it, especially my parents, and I don’t remember it being a traumatic experience as I was too young to know any better. His face is faded form memory. I do, however, remember who it was and what their name is, as I agree its not something you tend to forget.

Its becoming quite obvious that Kavanaugh was a rich spoiled brat and not a very nice guy. We can do better for the supreme court for sure! Trump should withdraw his nomination.

Thanks Martha. I was molested at age 59.
Based upon my experience after my wife died, I had the same experience with some women I dated. This is not a one way street. Not now. Not ever.
I know I’m a big strong man and could fend them off, but nevertheless it happened including having to physically remove her while she resisted.
Are they sexual predators?
I wonder how they tell the story?

Your honesty and courage to speak your truth, to speak about
your experience, and to shout out your outrage is
greatly appreciated and applauded by me.

I will forward this on. I am scared and sad for all those who are not able to
understand, who refuse or seem unable to listen with an open mind and open heart, and who refuse these truths about sexual abuse.
I am more than sad for so many victims who are being re-victimized by this, as if their own experiences with sexual abuse were not horrible enough.

So many are waiting for what is to come out of this cultural crisis situation.
If he is confirmed, my brother is expecting all the women in this country to
rise up in protest. Sounds like something that might need to happen.

Thank you (again) for sharing your wisdom and truth.
Your feelings and experience resonate with me in my core, as like so many others in this world, I too was sexually assaulted.
The first time I really spoke about it was in a Phoenix Seminar- I was so ashamed, relieved, and shocked. I think the shame and relief are probably expected, but the shock was – when I sat outside the room after sharing, I was sobbing against the wall and at least 1/2 of the people in the room came by and silently told me – me too.
Men and women.
I was shocked as for all those years I thought I was the only little girl who held her family together, who ensured that her brother and mother did not starve or go homeless because I did not speak up about the abuse from my step father. He earned the money…

I was further shocked when I did talk about it – the responses from those closest to me were not shocked, astonishment, but quiet acknowledgement of something everyone knew, but did not speak about.

What the fuck is wrong with us?

I now speak loud and frequently to anyone, this is not my badge of shame, I did nothing wrong. The person who did this was never confronted or punished, but I feel if we all can honestly talk about this all too common occurrence – out it if you will – then maybe we can teach others it is not OK to abuse and it IS OK to call out those that do.

I respect all choices any person makes on their own situation – and I stand in 100% support of all who speak up – it is not a joke, it is not easy, it does not feel good – it is courageous and can make a difference.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story and for stepping forward for all who may/may not be ready to speak.

I have a 13-year-old son who is not shielded from these statements, the news, etc… I know he thinks this is astonishing and believes it is wrong on all levels – thank goodness!

It is simply horrible on so many different levels to imagine you being violated by that priest when you were 15. What a traumatic experience that must have been, and one that grew heavier as you held it inside you for so many years. My heart aches for you, my friend. And I’m so glad that you decided to break your silence. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others to better comprehend the validity of Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony. I totally believed her story as I watched the hearing unfold and have the utmost respect for her. And I agree with everything you wrote. Thank you, again. The fact that Kavanaugh is still under consideration is beyond disconcerting.

Thank you Martha for this.
It is an inspiration for all of us to speak the truth, no matter how long it takes.

I can picture the esteem this person held in the eyes of the family, as priests were well regarded in my family, too. That they could use that power to take advantage of the innocent is disturbing.
Sometimes the bubble just comes to the surface and you can not contain it.