March 1, 2010

Constantly asked QXNs

this post is serious. it will be an explanation. because everybody keeps fucking wondering and asking and what not about these topics regarding my personal life. so, i'mma talk about why...i can't really speak or understand korean and tagalog. when i was a wee one the first language i learned was english. this is beacuse it was the common language my parent knew and i was born in america so..it was a necessity. when i attained more communicative comprehension, my mum put me into a korean learning program...and, to be frank, i hated it. i couldn't get the writing, i was making letters backwards and getting so frustrated with the little quizzes my teacher would give--when i think about it now, the way i was being taught wasn't the right way for me. it was a class that was teaching korean to kids who probably already spoke it a lot at home, but just needed to improved their vocabulary and learn some grammar points. i never spoke korean at home (except maybe 엄마) at that age and i guess that's what made the class so difficult for me. and none of my friends, that i saw daily, spoke korean so i thought, "what the fuck? i don't need to learn this, no one but mom will know what i'm saying." yeah. that's totally changed now. since i am filipino, people will always assume that i know tagalog. i don't~but i really wish i did know. i would ask my dad to teach me and his reply was always, "it's too difficult. you don't need to know it anyway because they speak english in the philippines." it seemed as if he was ashamed of his language, his heritage, since he wasn't willing to pass it down to me. also, the majority of my cousins on papa's side are able to understand the language (most are full flip, anyhow and easily picked up stuff) and i feel so ostracized when they're all referencing a word and i don't understand. alls i can say is food, yet i don't even know most of them...so! since i was forced to learn korean and basically banned from learning tagalog, it left english as the only means to communicate with both my parents. in my life, as i can remember thus far, i have never really felt really korean or filipino or ...american(??) although i know i used to identify myself with filipinos when i was younger (it was an issue involving who i hung around and liked more). this led me to adopt other culturalish identities..sorry, that's the best explanation i can think up of right now. i opted to learn other languages (comme nihongo, french, spanish, in the process of italiano) and to take part in acting like said speaking people. i adore traveling as well..and i sure as hell don't want to spend the rest of my days in u.s.

that's the best i can come up with overall. god, it made so much more sense in my brain and a few days/weeks ago when first realized these things.

the next topic will probably involve boyfriend/relationship stories. in detail.