Soaring on Eagle Wings – Isaiah 40:31

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Men are wired differently

Ladies have you ever stop to wonder why men respond totally different to situations than we do. Well, let me just say it plain and simple, Men are wired differently (lol). I guess the rib God took from them pulled a vain in their head which caused a drastic change in their ability to process information. We will ask one question and they will understand it entirely different and respond just as they understand. I am sure, many of you ladies reading this blog can recollect instances where you were like “What just happened there? I didn’t say anything wrong” while the men would be storming off. Sometimes going for the entire night. This usually causes us to cry, pack and go, blaze up their phone, call up their relatives and the list goes on. We usually go in deep when we are in love. Yes, and we love different to. As women, our hearts are usually more embedded in the relationship than men and even if they feel the same about us or even more, they have a queer way of showing. Look at the example below.

Example (Internet): First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis”. When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate you/I Love you” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Funny but true. So what do we do? Walk out of every relationship with issues. I would say a vehement no. One thing we love to have a man do is understand and appreciate us. This however goes both ways. We usually expect so much from men and give so little. In case you don’t know, please be informed that men are actually more sensitive than us. The pains we can carry, they sure can’t. Words we don’t find abusive, they sure do. We even behave better to injections at the health center, than they do. Men are hilarious and sometimes a pain in the neck but the truth remains we need them. Some of you may disagree but stop carefully and think, if you can do absolutely everything a man can do. Relationship wise, ok, you may get away with that but in our everyday lives we need them.

Therefore as a woman we should learn to work around our men. Learn their likes and dislikes, their tender spot when they mad, the food they like. Also analyse when you can pull that sexy lady trick and melt them like butter. Learn your man.

Below is a list of the differences between men and women. Now note that this is not rigid and all men are different in some form or the other. So even though you read these rules and store it in your memory, you still have to strip your man to the bone. I am telling you, once you start to pay attention and work around him, you will see a difference. He may not say anything but you will definitely see a difference. I must add though, do not and I repeat, DO NOT settle for a man who puts his hands on you. That is no love at all. This will be discussed further in a next Blog. These are not my rules but information I found on the internet that was rather funny and most parts of it true. Have fun reading ladies.

Sex: Women prefer 30 – 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 – 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Comedy: Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of “The Three Stooges” comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favourite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented colour stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms: A man has at most six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women’s magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her make-up.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line”.

Mirrors: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface–mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies: For women, their favourite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in “Gone with the Wind”. For men, it’s when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark’s face in “Public Enemy”.

Jewellery: Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction–he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. (The ladies Corner>>>this is the midlife crisis. I call it papa pause…lol)

The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows: Let’s say a man and a woman is watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says “Oh, gee, that must hurt.” The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions: If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there”, and, “I know I’m in the neighbourhood. I recognize that White Hen store”.

Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals (The Ladies Corner>>> I would say not today’s men).

Nudity in Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room–sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”. Men talk about “the bachelor party”.

Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six “D” batteries to operate.

Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches: Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk”, women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.