teens sneaking out

Michelle - posted on 04/05/2012
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30 moms have responded
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Okay, my daughter was staying the night at a friends house.

She then got a text at two in the morning saying her best friend killed herself, her boyfriend was just down the road so she and her friend snuck out to see him so he could take her home. How do I punish her? I don't want to take her phone or computer but she needs to learn a lesson.. We live in a trailer so she doesn't have a room or very much stuff I could take. REPLY FAST I NEED TO KNOW A GOOD PUNISHMENT BY THE END OF THE DAY. She's fifteen. there have been robberys in her friends naighberhood so they went to her boyfriend cause they got scared. The two firls were with the guy for only ten inutes before the cops found them and took the girls home.

Shawnn, I partially disagree with ya this time. Don't go lenient just because it the first time. #1-Just because it's the first time they were caught, doesn't mean it was the first time they've done it.

#2-If the "first offense" punishment is strict or severe enough, chances are there won't be a repeating offense. The whole point of consequences is to teach them appropriate behavior and show them the behavior to avoid.

Michelle-"don't want to take it because we live in the middle of no where, that's her ONLY way to talk to people" Well, when she's in trouble, she only needs to be able to contact you if you're not home. She doesn't need to be communicating with others. Cells, computers, outside activities...those are extras that you've been kind enough to provide, they aren't rights. Also, I'm not sure if I missed it but did her friend really commit suicide or was that just a text so she could use it as an excuse if they were caught? That would make a difference.

When my 14 year old son and his friend snuck out of our house one night to go meet 2 girls, he was grounded for a month. No cell, no internet, no XBOX, no leaving. He also had some extra chores at his Grandma's house. The only time he got his phone was if he was the only one home since we don't have a land line. But he knows I can look on the cell account to see if he used it for anything other than calling me or dialing 911, so he didn't use it. I then made him go to the girl's house to apologize to the girls and their parents. I felt like he had put them in danger by meeting them in the middle of the night. It was the girl's idea but I teach my boys to be leaders not followers. He should have said, "no I'll just see you in the morning, it's not safe for you to be walkin around at 2am." I mean, it's not safe for any teenager to be out at that hour. But teenage girls, appear more vulnerable to a would be creeper.

I made an account just to respond to this. I'm a 17 year old girl and i have sneaked out of my house many times. I didn't really have to too cause if i asked my mom when i was 15 and 16 if i could go to a party with my friends i would be able to go. Why have i sneaked out? My mom hates my boyfriend and i would see him at a place and we would get to see each other and do different things. Or if i was ever grounded and really wanted to go to a party i would sneak out. Look she is 15 she is going to get into stuff no matter what. Sometimes people don't drink or take drugs. If you punish her i bet she will sneak out more. And do things you don't want her to do. Just say to her that you know she wanted you have fun like any other teenager. That would help a lot.

Just to explain the situation to some in areas where there are a plethora of opportunities for communication: There ARE some areas of the US where it is easier and more advisable to have your kids have a cell phone. I am the poster parent for not letting your kids have phones before high school, but I had to seriously re-think my stance after finding out that there is absolutely NO OTHER WAY for my kids to get in contact with me if they are out and about. PAYPHONES DO NOT EXIST any more. Stores with phones for convenience do not exist. There ARE certain areas that I now believe need to allow cell phones in late elementary school. I live in one, and Michelle lives in one.

We are not about to take the ONLY avenue our kids have to call us, or 911. In this case, were punishment in order, the phone would not be part of the punishment, due to the circumstances of where I (and Michelle) live.

I think that makes a difference Michelle, I probably wouldn't punish her. Though she probably should have just called you, it's not surprising that she didn't think clearly after she got that text. Just be there for her right now, I doubt she'll do it again cuz it will probably always remind her of that night. Poor girl.

30 Comments

I respectfully disagree with your statement "She's 15, she's going to get into stuff no matter what". Having raised not one, but 2 teenagers who haven't "gotten into" stuff, period, I disagree.

YOU may have chosen to disregard your parents rules and restrictions, but NOT ALL teenagers are like you! And, thank goodness they all AREN'T like you! Nothing is more frustrating than a kid who thinks that they "know better" than their parents. We aren't stupid, you know, we actually DO know all of your tricks. I bet your parents do know that you sneak out regularly, and they're just thankful that they're not grandparents, so they won't say anything to you. HOWEVER, were you my kid, you wouldn't be entertaining the idea of sneaking out. I guarantee it. You would take your restrictions and punishments for your behaviour, and you would learn how to behave correctly. Guaranteed.

And, if you'd actually read through the posts, and responses, you'd see that there were extenuating circumstances in this young lady's dilemma.

I think the majority of teens do sneak out at least once. It's normal for them to see how far they can push. How often they do it or whether they try it again, really depends on how serious the consequence was when they got caught. But this situation is different. She obviously wasn't sneaking out just to be sneaking out. She got some heartbreaking news and wanted to come home right away. It's just dumb luck that the cops busted them first. Yes, she should have called mom to come pick her up, but who thinks of that when they get devastating news like that? Michelle, how is your daughter coping with the loss of her best friend?

When my sister and I were in HS, I snuck out once, I was afraid of the consequences, which in my brain, at the time included surely getting caught by the police or worse, my dad! ; ) Plus I didn't drink or hang out with the "partiers." My sister, snuck out almost her entire HS career, and I didn't even know until a couple years in, she is younger. We just hung out with opposite crowds. Back then (mid-late 80's), in my neck of the woods, partiers were drinkers and druggies, and that's when druggie still meant pot. My best friend has 8 kids. Single parent, next to no support of any kind from any of the dads and so far 4 out of 5 at the time of their teens snuck out regularly, the 14 yo boy is at it now. Next up is her almost 13 yo boy, I would wager 5 out of 6 soon. But if you consider that each kid sneaking out is doing so to meet up with another kid or group of kids that are doing the same thing I would say yes, it is probably common. TOLERATED, that would be a completely different question and I'm sure you'd get quite a barrage of answers on how to handle that. Good luck to you. I'm new here too, but I think you can easily start your own thread like this if you want more help.

i just have one question i'm kinda new here and my teenage duaghter has been sneaking out sometimes and i just want to know if it is normal for teenagers to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night... just wondering.

She didn't go to the boyfrinds house, the boyfrind came and picked her up and was taking her home but they stopped because she was crying and throwing up in the car, the cops showed up thinking they were the people that had been robbing everyone, but it wasn't them.

I have punished her, For a whole month she has gone with only having her phone four hours a day, she didn't have it at school, and her and her boyfrind had to appoligise to me, the cops, and her friends mom.

You need to have a chat and explain the dangers of sneaking out at night...even 2 girls together wouldnt be able to fight of a car full of guys..maybe no extras for a few weeks..ie sleepovers, money etc etc

June, I didn't say anything that should give you the indication that I think your a bad parent. Though I'm not sure I believe that in 18-23 years, your children NEVER gave you any reason to discipline them. Either you're not being honest or your threshold for behaviors that would "merit punishment" is set to allow them to do whatever they want without any consequences.

No I have never punished my children. My children are 23,and 18 years old now. One in University, the other just finishing high school. Why do you think I would have to discipline them if they have not done anything to merit "punishment" Sounds like you think I am a bad parent because I did not understand the situation, and was asking to clarify, and that I have never disciplined my children. Did you read my whole thing? I wanted to have clarity...not be attacked. WOW.

To me what was written did not make sense, and I don't want to be seen as judgemental by saying the wrong thing. OOPs...I did that anyway didn't I.

Wow, June, are you reading the post and comments or just skimming them? She snuck out to come home. She was going to her boyfriends house to have him take her home. If her best friend had not just killed herself, I would say punish to the fullest so she doesn't do it again. But my guess is, she wasn't sneakin out to party, she just wanted to come home because she had just found out her best friend had killed herself.

You have 2 kids and have never punished them? You don't believe in discipline?

I think you are being way to relaxed about the whole thing I have 2 teenage daughters and they did something like that they would have no phone, no computer basically no anything. Teach your daughter the 1st time that what she did was wrong and come down hard and I promise you it won't happen again.

Yeah, wondered if you weren't in an area where a cell is a necessity...we are too.

But, she could have restricted time on it, extra chores, things like that. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, museum, or other public place is always a good thing, without being a degrading punishment. Actually, I got that one from my mom for sneaking out 25 years ago! She set up with a local museum for me to volunteer there twice a week for a set amount of time. (LOL...I think it may have backfired, because I really enjoyed it and actually volunteered for years at the place)

well, why don't you want to take the instrument that she used to get the text that prompted her to sneak out? Does she understand what your concern is? First, you need to explain that, and then...

I'd take the phone, or at the very least, disable texting/browsing on it. And, I'd stop letting her hang out with the other friend, and the boyfriend for at least two weeks. Ground her butt! I live in a trailer, too, and I don't let that stop me from appropriate disciplinary measures.

She may not have much in the way of material possessions, but she certainly has certain privileges that I'm sure she enjoys...time for them to be less accessible for awhile.

In my house, if one of my kids were brought home by the local law enforcement, there'd definitely be some 'splainin to do...as Ricky used to say to Lucy...LOL