My personal blog, where I share about my thoughts, the people I meet, the books I read, and what I'm learning.

The 36 Questions That Lead to Love

Would you believe if two people can fall in love by simply asking a set of questions?

Well, this is true. Psychologist Arthur Aaron succeeded in making two people fall in love in his lab simply by making them ask questions. The idea behind this study is “mutual vulnerability fosters closeness.” To create this intimacy he came up with 36 Questions because Aaron believes that questions can lead to love. The reason why these questions work is if we want to be known to someone we open up, meaning that we want them to see who we really are.

Being in love (or you can call it dating) is a story between two people bothering each other day and late through the night through various activities, special events, and intimate communication to know and be known to each other. Falling in love is not just me seeing someone, but that I can see someone really seeing me.

For love to thrive trust and intimacy are the essential ingredients. With these sets of questions, you can possibly generate those feelings. The complete list of questions can be found below. Try it with your spouse, your lover, your friend or someone you are interested or maybe want to fall in love with. I like to ask these questions when we (me and my wife) travel far from home. It just gives us head space to think deeply about the questions and be more open to one another.

My hope is that through these questions you can create trust and intimacy with him/her who will one day see who you really are.

Set I

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Would you like to be famous? In what way?

Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

What do you value most in a friendship?

What is your most treasured memory?

What is your most terrible memory?

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

What does friendship mean to you?

What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.