Winners and Losers from Brexit

WINNERS:

Wales or Northern Ireland, but not both: Seeing as only one can advance from today’s round of 16 matchup in the Euros

Old people who resent the fact that they’ll be dead soon and channel this into a compulsion to torment the younger generation for having the audacity to be around longer: These are the real winners of Thursday’s vote

Ted Cruz: Admittedly, I have no proof of this, but the entire situation is so unpleasant that it stands to reason that Ted Cruz is benefiting somehow

The people who come up with titles for porn parodies: Between “BreXXXit” and “Feel the Bern”, they’ve barely had to lift a finger in 2016

Nigel Farage: My fruitless efforts to figure out just exactly WHAT it is his bugeyes and double chin remind me of have driven me to insanity, and judging by the overwhelming number of Leave voters, I’m not alone

Following British politics from afar for years, and not just desperately catching up on the current situation by gleaning context from my friends’ distraught Facebook posts: This is DEFINITELY what I did, I guarantee you. That’s why this piece of #content is so fresh and relevant, yes siree!

whew got myself out of that one

LOSERS:

German heavy metal anthems mocking the follies of a misguided global power: Rammstein’s “Amerika” has been around for years, but apparently nobody thought to write a “Britannien”

Similes and metaphors: The new Secretary of State for the UK once wrote of a Ferrari F430, “It was as though the whole county of Hampshire was lying back and opening her well-bred legs to be ravished by the Italian stallion”, so it’s as if these pillars of the English language are right on the fault line between the two tectonic plates of opposing social forces and OH GOD IT’S ALREADY HAPPENING

Automotive journalism: But frankly, anything would suffer from having Boris Johnson associated with it

Greece: They may not be involved yet, but Greece losing out in controversies involving the European Union is always a safe bet

Expressing any confidence that things will go your way, ever: David Cameron became just the latest in a long string of victims of this misguided philosophy