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Just scared

I don't know where to begin. I have been dealing with social anxiety for awhile now. I feel like I have been trapped in my own personal prison for way too long. I fear that I will be alone forever. I fear that I will be a recluse. I fear that if I become happy it will never last. It's scary. I know I have been sad but I don't think it's been depression just yet. I overthink a lot, especially at night. My sleep schedule is messed up.

I am in my 30's. I still live with my parents who I take care of due to both being disabled. I have been taking care of them since my 20's. I have never had a relationship. I have had one job back in 2007-2008 but I am jobless since than. I don't like going out. I do force myself sometimes but in reality I just don't like going out. It's been really hard. I want to be normal but my anxiety seems to not want the same. I fear being judged. I fear people staring at me. What I have told you so far makes me feel less than human. I just want to be normal. And it just tears me apart. I feel like a loser. I feel like a failure.

I get lonely. I get very lonely. I look at my life so far and I go who would want to date someone like me. Who would want to waste their time being with me. I know I haven't put myself out there at all yet I have this stupid thought that it's going to be like the movies. Some random stranger sees me on one of my occasions of getting out of the house and they will fall in love with me. They will make the first move. All that. I know that's not how it happens but I wish it did. I don't if that would make me happy or not but it would definitely be awesome. I am not a bad looking guy according to some of my internet friends. I had issues with my body. I didn't like it. I have been a fat kid since I was 10. My grandfather called me fat to my face when I was visiting him and my dad's family. I was 10 when that happen. It hurt. I think that's where this self hate stemmed from since than. It wasn't bad in my teens. But it started to grow in my 20's. Recently I have gotten to love my body. I love it. I still need to improve on it but what I have now I can actually say truthfully is something I love. I don't think any girl would date a guy who doesn't know what he wants and doesn't have a job. The funny thing is I also think what if someone does end up wanting to be with me. I get all these thoughts of how will I mess it up. It's a vicious cycle. I have been trying to improve myself for a few years now. I am nowhere near where I believe I need to be. That scares me.

I have several internet friends. 0 friends who live near me. My only true friend and best friend is my loving big brother. He's the one I hang out with. It's him that I feel comfortable enough to actually go out with. He's been there for me. Before that he lived far away in New York. My best friend was my dog. To some I am sure that sounds pathetic but he was a great friend. A not judging friend. A unconditional loving friend. If I had a bad day I would cry my eyes out and he would be there to cuddle and comfort me. I was a terrible mess my dad was going in and out of hospitals do to his diabetes. It was very stressful. I am surprised I survived that. My dog had to be put to sleep at age 13 due to cancer of the bladder. I still miss him.

I use to go out a lot during my high school days. I would always hang with my friends. They sadly slowly started moving away after high school. I definitely was pretty aware of my anxiety in high school. I would get nauseated every morning before school. I would sweat a lot (still do) it wouldn't matter if it was hot or cold. Once I was letting off so much heat that my glasses fogged up. One day that I will never forget. I had to do a stupid presentation. I knew everyone in my class. But I got up there got nervous and actually started to shake. I carried on with the presentation and all the faces were in shock and horror. It was the worst day at that point in my life. It sucked so much. But my anxiety wasn't has bad as it has been for the past 10 or so years.

Currently. I know I have a problem. This anxiety has ruled my life for so long. And I am tired of feeling this way. I want to feel normal once again. I have been trying meditation and self help. Which seems to be working alittle. I don't know what else to do. It's scary. Is there hope for someone like me? Is it too late?

Anxiety can take hold of us in so many different ways, the sheer number of different symptoms people have is staggering, but many are shared by us all.

Anxiety can really knock your confidence, which can lead into other symptoms like Agoraphobia..etc

It's important i feel to get a solid understanding of what anxiety is, it's basically perfectly normal bodily reaction to seemingly stressfull situations, so much of it is in the mind. Once you accept the symptoms for what they are, remember that you have experienced them at their absolute worse and that while unpleasent, they cannot hurt you, then you can start to move forward, symptoms and all, and with a smile on your face.

When you accept the symptoms, let them come and then go, without worry, then they will come less frequent and less intense until you no longer even notice them.

That is the thing about anxiety, it's like hyper awareness of your body, we notice things, any little heart flutter or funny feeling, and we dwell on it, fixate on it and before you know it that perfectly normal heart flutter has turned into "Oh my god there must be something wrong with my heart"

Non anxiety sufferes have exactly the same sensations as us, its just that they are not sensitized to it, they do not notice, and even if they do, they dont dwell on it.

Our minds are our own worst enemy.

There is nothing wrong with you, not at all, your body knows what it is doing, so let it do it's thing while you go about your day.

This anxiety crap isn't "new" to me, but I have just in the passed 6 months or so realized what the hell was going on! I am a mother of 2 beautiful boys and if it wasn't for them and my 2 dogs, I don't think I would be here. I don't think I would ever consider myself depressed, but I am quite sad most times. My dad suffered from depression for years and in November of 2012 he took his own life, since then I have really realized what was going on with me...I used to just think to myself "you are just stressed with everything that's going on with your dad" and pushed it away. Now I have seemed mental health and am on visit #3 coming up next week and I can honestly say it's helping me.
I can honestly say that when I start to fell anxious, I come in here and read and it usually calms me down knowing I am not alone, there are others out there that feel the same way take care and if you need to talk I am a good listener