Jesus Rises From The Dead, School Cancelled Monday

(Jerusalem) — Jesus Christ again rose from the dead today, causing midstate school districts to cancel Monday classes and Biblical scholars to speculate as to why He chose this year to make a big return.

“It’s probably the economy,” said Josiah Dirk, a professor of resurrectional sciences at Messiah College. “My guess is He figures He can stir some shit up and get things back on track.”

Christ spoke to reporters at a news conference later in the day, at which time He confirmed that He was troubled by high unemployment rates and continued market instability. However, He also cited other issues including ongoing tensions between Israelis and Palestinians, the ongoing earthquake relief effort in Haiti and Lindsay Lohan’s “downright hellish instability.”

Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson said she was hoping to find some time for Christ to meet with her and what’s left of her staff so that He could share some ideas for digging out of the city’s multi-million-dollar debt. Christ told reporters He was familiar with Harrisburg’s financial troubles, but added that selling off city assets “could come back to bite Harrisburg in the ass.”