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Cosmopolitan

I really have to thank Alice for the generation of this post, the 20th in this santorum festival known as NaBloWriMo.

If you are a regular reader, you know I cobbled together a post on unfinished posts that languish in my WordPress draft folder because the ideas…yup, the ideas are dead. I didn’t think there was more to Breaking Sex News than the weird Breaking Sex News banner on The Huffington Post on Swedes yanking it in public. I even tried to find more, but could only find this:

That is fucking incredible, but where is the breaking sex news!?! Then Alice reminded me of the go-to source for all breaking sex news–Cosmopolitan magazine.

For instance, did you know, gentle reader, that there is such a thing as “celebrity side butt”?

How marvelous! And newsy.

So what is Celebrity Side Butt? the masses desperately want to know.

It is incredibly scientific. “Side Butt” occurs when a celebrity is sans underwear and wears a dress that proves that theory. For example, a² – b² = partial ass.

Cosmo includes a photoessay of our most famous examples of that theorem in action.

But what if I’m not a Celebrity Side Butt, but am looking for ways to sexify my relationship? is likely what you’re thinking right now.

Well, I have the hot scoop–there are 75 crazy-hot sex moves that can sexify pretty much anything from the secret Santa office party to your Aunt Bertha’s wake.

You may be under the assumption that sex is where that thing goes into that slot and then retreats and then goes back and then there’s a charley horse and then there’s the looking at the clock because Grey’s Anatomy is going to be on any second and then there’s the quick prayer to god about somebody finishing and then someone groans and now you can finally have some peace and watch TV.

Well there’s more, gentle reader, 75 more things to be exact.

For instance, you can “straddle your guy, then lean forward and rest your upper body on his torso. Bring one leg out to the side, and bend it so that the inside of your leg is against the bed. Then straighten the other leg and slide it between his legs” and if you can explain to me how this exactly works because of my spatial difficulties and inability to understand poor writing, I will be grateful…and hot.

You could also: “try side-saddle position for a more unique and snug fit. Make a bridge with your arms behind you on one side of him and your legs in front of you on the other.” I’m thinking the author of this just began consulting her “Odyssey of the Mind” handout from 6th grade. Herman Melville’s Moby Dick is a literary masterpiece. Create Ishmael’s boat only using the parts from a vacuum cleaner. Now make it sexy.

Or you could: “build momentum by keying in to an ocean legend that the seventh in a series of sea waves is the strongest” because clearly the author has started to lose her erection at the 25th crazy-hot sex move and has no clue what the fuck to write. Why not add something like “Goldilocks the moment by making his dick too hot, then too cold and then just right. First pour molten steel on his member, followed by Coleman’s Chiller and then warm it up with a hair dryer.”

Or if you’re tired just “trade butt-cheek massages” and extra bonus if it is a celebrity side butt.

News.

Breaking sex news for that matter.

For fuck’s sake, are there seriously 10 days left? Fuck. Anyway, Speaker7 is writing every day this month as a member of the Nano Poblano Team.

I am always interested in this topic. I tend to get wrapped up in stupid shit like career goals and personal fulfillment and then it dawns on me–I am not turning any man on right now.

I realize the more I focus on other things beside man on-turnage, the less I remember how to do it.

Do men like a woman who can play spoons coated with mashed potatoes? Maybe.

Are men turned on by razor burn? I hope so

Do men like a muffin top covered in muffin crumbs? Probably not.

But here, Cosmo has provided me with knowledge from the men themselves.

Apparently Cosmo asked men to tweet what turns them on. These man tweeters had only 140 characters to use so I figured their turn-on advice would be succinct and easily digestible kind of like a spam lollipop.

KydDaze digs “That ‘early in the morning’ or ‘tired at night’ phone voice.”

So basically men like phelgm and slurring. Duly noted. Tonight, my husband better watch out after I down a dosage of hydrocodone. I might even show him the phelgm covering my tonsil scabs. Bam chicka bam bam.

It floats Nogood_W4rd’s boat “If you can spin around while you ride it.”

So men like a lady who resembles a whirligig and is really short. She would have to be, right? Or else isn’t he getting kicked in the face? Or what I mean to say is “hot.”

PoloMaskot gets woodage from “Good credit.”

How does that work exactly? You go online to freecreditreport.com, wait six weeks to get your credit rating and then it’s let’s get this party started. Woop woop.