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Blast Off-- or, a medieval Boom! (Gonzo)

Let’s get right to the chase—you are a
deviant! Instead of traditional—acceptable—positions for screwing around with a
castle, you like to go straight for its brown eye: you like to plow its walls
with your heavy, thick, bombard! …dirty you!

For you simpletons, a bombard is a cannon.
The earliest of such cannons were made out of either copper or brass, but as
the centuries went on, and people wanted ever larger tools to crew around with,
the preferred method of manufacture for large cannons were “iron longitudinal
strips or iron sheets forged into tubes and with hoops heat-shrunk over them.”
Sexy! Some even had removable breech chambers, talk about playing it safe.

But as with any enviable tool, it can be
difficult to transport; with some bombards weighing as much as ten-thousand
pounds, such weapons would need to be mounted on wooden tillers pulled by
several horses. The thongs, ropes, wires, and iron bands for such carriages,
called ‘ribaudequins,’ would need to be replaced every few days—warfare, as in
sexy time, remember, demands fresh protection for every encounter.

Though such massive 10k bombards were not
uncommon, there was several sizes smaller as well; the ‘crappuadine,’ for
instance, was a mere four to eight feet long. So although it had a bit of a
masculinity crisis compared to its big brother, some folks demand skill rather
than sheer size, so it works out. But with mortars having appeared at the end
of the 14th century, it seems that size weren’t being seen as
important as practicality. Shame! For imagine all of the lords out there
fretting over their girth…

But, I suppose it all depends on what you
are shooting. So for guns, what you would shoot would have been small balls or
bolts called ‘garrots.’ “[U]sually made from oak and fitted with iron heads and
fletchings of iron, steel, or brass,” they weighed anywhere from 15-200 pounds
and could punch a wallop, until they were gradually phased out in favor of gun
stones (but that is the measure of progress: you’re up on high one day,
screwing everybody and everything, then you are down low, with yourself).

So now that you have this information,
go—go and claim that castle and find your destiny in its hallowed halls as you
discharge stone after stone against its hard surface; claim it as your own and
don’t stop until you fucked it real good!

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Lately, I was browsing around online and found another handy resource for aspiring medievalists.

Enter, Western Michigan University's Medieval Institute!

The site has links to an extensive book shop, scholarly journals, as well as a free download. See below for links.

General listing: http://scholarworks.wmich.edu/medievalpress/
Index of titles available for purchase: http://www.wmich.edu/medievalpublications/all-titles
The 'Medieval Globe' book(s): http://scholarworks.wmich.edu/medieval_globe/ (Click on title(s) for free download)

Okay, that is all for now. Sometime soon I think that I would like to organize all of my resource links so that I, as well as you, have a concrete listing of reliable resources. Until then, we shall have to make due.