We had our final homestudy yesterday. It was long but went well. We are officially approved to do respite, and hopefully will be open sooner rather than later. Our worker said she has one study to write ahead of ours, but as soon as she write our draft we should be prepared for placements. After she has written our home study draft it has to be approved by her boss, the her boss’s boss. While that process can take awhile, if there is a situation where they need our home open BC of a specific placement, they can rush the process.

In our homestudy our worker asked us about our loss. I cried, and honestly, if she had asked me at the last one, I probably wouldn’t have cried. Its just so close to our due date, and AF is due any day now, so its an emotional time of the cycle. She asked if I felt we would can deal with more losses, BC that’s the one thing foster care promises, that we will lose placements and our hearts will break. i told her, it’ll hurt, and I’ll cry, probably everytime. But we know God is going to use us in these children’s lives exactly the way and length of time they need. And that’s what we are here for. She also said, if we can stick to our faith and fully trust in His plans, she is confident that we can get some adoptions out of this process. She said she doesn’t know how many placements we’ll have to take, but if we hang in there, it’ll happen.

also, those twins have been placed, so we are just waiting for some kiddos to be ours, for however long God intends.

Miscarriage confirmed this morning via ultrasound. We were told to take a 2 month break from trying to conceive to let my hormones stabilize. We are devastated. After 14 month trying for this baby, to have it end so soon seems incredibly unfair. But Joseph and I are confident in God’s plan for our family. I hope during these two months that we can do many things I wouldn’t be able to do if pregnant or trying. For instance, this Sunday, I had helped organize a ziplining and cheesecake factory girls night with ladies in my small group, if I was pregnant, I shouldn’t be ziplining. But now, i’m not pregnant, and upset about it. So I’m ziplining and eating LOADS of cheesecake.

Other things I plan to do during this no baby time, take advil for every ache and pain I have. Tylenol is nothing, seriously nothing. I may as well eat TicTacs, they taste better and offer about the same amount of pain relief.

I’m going to use a heating pad for cramps, I’m having quite a few of those right now, and I can use a heating pad! It seriously makes me so happy!

Enjoy having sex for fun. Not for one moment would I say that Joseph and I’s intimacy is lacking, but being able to have sex not for the purpose of creating a life relieves a certain amount of pressure when it come to doing the deed. We will enjoy that.

Continue losing weight. January to March I lost about 16 pounds. Between March and July I gained about 6 back, but then from July to my BFP I had lost 8 more pounds. I’ve been carb bingeing since Monday, but before that, I was only 6.6 pounds heavier than Joseph and I got married. So maybe I can keep doing that.

In high school, I went to Germany for a week with a school group. We went to a place called HofBrauHaus in Munich. There is actually one in Newport KY just 1.5 hours north of us. I have wanted to take a weekend trip there and enjoy some liters of beer and their OktoberFest atmosphere. So we hopefully will do that this year.

Fall is my favorite time of the year, it will be great, and I am so thankful for my sweet husband Joseph through all of this. He truly is amazing, and I am so thankful for him.

I met Joseph for lunch so I wouldn’t be wallowing in depression. We discussed how being hopeful isn’t going to make this any easier. After lunch I took myself to a movie. I went to see the Percy Jackson Sea of Monsters. I bought myself popcorn and a coke and just let myself not think. Driving over to the movie I called my ob and informed her that my bleeding was now flowish, and I was passing tissue. And my informed her I mean left a message(I have mentioned my ob’s office is a birthing machine and really large and too big for the britches? I actually don’t think I have yet, but it is.) While I was in the movie they called back and left 2 messages asking me to call them. I called them back they want me to come in for another ultrasound tomorrow at 7:15, then a quant, then I’ll see the nurse practitioner. But maybe not until 9:30. I called Joseph and told him I was going back in, but he didn’t have to come, we both know the outcome, so no need for him to miss work again.

What I’m hoping for tomorrow:

-My miscarriage will be no big thing, as in piece of cake and quick.

-I won’t have to wait a cycle before trying again.

-We can talk about what this means for clomid(Apparently taking clomid cd2-6 has a higher chance for miscarriage, well I took it cd 5-9, but clearly this wasn’t a successful pregnancy, probably poor egg quality if I had to guess. So what can we do to increase egg quality? Up clomid? Try something else?)

Is what I’m really good at right now. Joseph texted me “How are you holding up?” I just replied “I’m crying…a lot.” I don’t really know what to do. If I’m being honest, there are times that I really feel crampy. Then there are times that make me think I’m blowing this out of proportion, and I don’t feel any different.

I think I’m seeing everything through miscarriage colored glasses. My sister needs a ride to work, I am capable to taking her, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold it together emotionally.

I called my doctors office and spoke to an aide. She took my information and what was going wrong. She said she would give the nurse practitioner the info and call me back. While waiting for her to call me back I went to the bathroom again and wiped and it was red. blood red. Before when I saw blood, it was bloody cervical fluid. This time was like holy cow I’m bleeding blood. I called Joseph crying, and we decided I should call the doctor back. So I was on hold with my doctors office when they called back. I flipped over and she said the nurse practitioner said to monitor it, if the bleeding changes or I get crampy call again. I then explained the blood was now bleeding, and she asked us to come in at 10:30 for an ultrasound. This was at 9:20. She also told me I needed a full bladder. Well I had spent the last 3 and a half hours peeing every 20 minutes and checking for blood. So I hung up, called Joseph, who said he’d like to come with, so I told him I’d pick him up on my way, but I was going to shower and drink like 8 million cups of water. So I did that, drank 2 cups of water, filled up my cup and left. Drank my cup on the way to pick up Joseph, and so I called Joseph and I asked him to bring me out a bottle of water. So, I got there, Joseph came out, and we decided he would drive. I had contained my emotions pretty well on the way there, but seeing Joseph just brought all those emotion to the forefront. We both were pretty emotional on the ride there, both blaming ourselves, but ultimately knowing neither of us did anything wrong. We got to the doctor and were sitting the waiting room, I really had to pee, and we filled out our forms. We were called back to the ultrasound waiting room. Where we waited just few more minutes before the tech called me back and told me to empty my bladder so I did then went back in. I got ready for the ultrasound and she came in and did it. She looked around and said I ovulated on my right side, but she couldn’t see anything to confirm pregnancy. She said she *thought* she saw a gestational sac, but it was too small. So we were done in there, we went back to the main waiting room. Then I was called back by the aide to get my vitals, then taken to another waiting room, to wait to see the nurse practitioner. We were finally called back and she said that because of the size of the baby they aren’t able to confirm viability, but it wasn’t abnormally small like the tech led us to believe. The bottom line is, how far along I am, the baby is too small to confirm on an ultrasound. Which we knew. But that isn’t any reason to assume it isn’t viable. She also had me do a HGC hormone draw today, and I’ll go in wed an get another. They want me to go back in a week and do another ultra sound. I am also on pelvic rest for a week. Praying so hard for this baby!