Shopping at the Mall with 2 kids..

As if taking one child to the mall wasn’t hard enough, if like me, you chose to birth a second offspring (so the first one “isn’t lonely”), then congratulations.. Shopping for absolutely anything will never be the same. I have no idea why I do this to myself, brave the impossible because I already know the nonsense that will happen. But as twat, I decided to head to the sales with a stupid grin because I thought I could do it all. Lesson learnt…

So took 2 hours preparing for this ‘outing’; included changing nappies, changing the toddlers clothes 3 times, finding his bloody shoes, charging the ipad and searching for the lost keys. Had to call an Uber.. Feeling optimistic and armed with a changing bag packed to the brim with snacks for the toddler (which included cold chicken nuggets and raw peppers- don’t ask), I braced mysef. Of course, when the Uber guy is outside, the little one does a poop and the toddlers busy shoving the kitten into the change bag. Lovely. The Uber guy gave me a crap rating aswel.

Whoooosa..

No ones going to die today.

Got there in one piece. The baby in the pram and the toddler walking beside the pram. Thisisamiracle. Let’s just ignore the XL ‘purple square’ he was waving around extatically, drawing the entire worlds population attention to me.. Just a pad he found in my bag- nothing to see here.

Now, being a mum means I’m pretty much superglued to the pram handle, so I need to use the lift/elevator because obviously I have no choice (duhh), but why do perfectly able-bodied, childless, HANDS-FREE, people with no reason what so ever, use the lift? Every sodding time. In Dubai, there are escalators every square inch and YET you stillll want to piss everyone off; creating a buggy traffic jam outside the lift, a Tetris scenario trying to get in and a war zone when we need to get out. Then you have the nerve to tut me when I ram over your toe by accident?

Noones going to die today

Whooosa

Get to the department store I wanted to check out (because sales) but by then, everyones crying, everyone’s shat themselves and I’ve been walking around like an idiot with a pad stuck to my shoe. Typical. The quick run to the toilets/sauna to sort everyone out meant a blood sacrifice and a cracked ipad screen.

After limping back to the store, I was trying to find the kids section but kept telling the sales lady following me like a hungry ostrich on fire, *high pitched anxious voice*

I’m just looking

I swear sales people scare me, it’s too hard for me to admit I want the cheapest stuff because I know they’ll judge me 😢..

Spotted a signpost stating kids clothes are on the top floor. God’s Sake. I asked a sales person coz sometimes i can be abit thick (demented mummy brain) and she tells me to “follow the signs”.. Riiiiiiight. Thanks love. Also why do department stores always have kids clothing on the top flipping floor? What kind of logic..

Not even going to bother mate. Take another lift? Nope.

Next went into a kids store and to my horror, they had a face painting and colouring event happening (with lots of balloons).. you just know the kind of shit your toddlers going to do. No amount of bribery gonna stop him now.. 20 minutes of him drawing on his body and clothes, popping balloons and then hiding in the crib section later – managed to make it out fracture free without having looked at a single item. (Apart from the coloured cribs when playing Hide and Creep).

Decided to abandon kids clothing and have a look at something for myself. By have a look I mean grab from cheap rack and run. Luckly the kid was busy pushing the buggy and I got to grab about 6 items until Bambi shat herself through all her clothing, screamed like a banshee and fly kicked my vag.

SOMEONE GONNA DIE TODAY🖕

Managed to buy the 6 items, drag the kids back to our second home (the bog) AND lose a contact lens in the process.

And then decided to go home but an arcade was in the way out so naturally had to let Bubba have a fake chance at Need for Speed. Me still partially blind, we went home. Winking the entire time. Put Peppa the brat of a Pig on. And sat rocking in the corner back and forth.

*twitches*

At least I got couple of tops and a pair of heels, all for 100 AED (£20) 😍 ..Not really sure what my size is anymore so going to be fun trying them on😂 and thank God I went at 10am! The earlier the better! Everyones drowsy AF, less people to divert around in the clothes ailes and sizes on the hangers are actually correct. If you live in Dubai, you can always leave the toddler in a soft play area within the mall with someone you know like a trusty nanny, alternatively soft play areas have their own well trained staff on hand too 😊

Lessons learnt:

Don’t take kids shopping. Online shop instead.

Carry spare contact lenses.

Dress the toddler in paper clothes.

Put baby in a baby carrier for maxium manovering ability to catch the toddler