Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Washington, D.C.--Democratic congressional leaders have again rejected tax cuts to stimulate the economy in favor of even more federal spending, arguing that if individuals were given more control over their own money, "they'd just use it to make origami Star Wars figures or something."

When asked why politicians should be expected to boost spending and spur demand for products and services any better than private citizens, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said "The average American has no idea how to spend their own money. If left to their own devices, they'd fold it up and make little X-wing and tie fighters, currency replicas of the Millennium Falcon, and tiny Yodas made of dollar bills -- anything but spending it on things they want and need."

Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid echoed those sentiments, saying "I cannot imagine American citizens would have the wherewithal to figure out how to use their own resources, other than by indulging in the frivolous Chinese pastime of decorative paper folding. Maybe not to make Star Wars stuff, but dragons and turtles and things like that."

Liberal economists agreed, citing statistics showing that every time money is spent by private citizens, it is spent on things they like, rather than on things the government likes.

"Consequently," Pelosi concluded, "it's the government that should be making spending decisions."