Guy Lessons: A Complete Guide To Talking Trash

All social animals communicate with each other: bees buzz, dogs bark, wolves howl, and men trash talk. Whether facing off in a boardroom or going head-to-head on the basketball court, men delight in intimidating one another through the use of disparaging, taunting or boastful comments. If you haven’t already mastered the essential trash-talk skill, it’s high time you added it to your repertoire. After all, you should never enter a war of words unarmed.

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Invoke his momma

Nothing gets another guy’s goat quite like insulting his own flesh and blood, and nothing is quite as insulting as targeting his mother as a source of derision. You’ll be sure to ruffle your opponent’s feathers by dispensing the following classic “yo momma” jokes:

“Yo momma’s so fat that when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party.”

"Yo momma's so ugly her parents had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.”

“Yo momma’s so old she’s in Jesus’ yearbook.”

“Yo momma’s so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.”

“Yo momma's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.”

Whether your comments bear any real resemblance to your opponent’s mother is far less important than your ability to keep them coming at a breakneck pace.

Tell them what you’re going to do before doing it

Athletes — boxers in particular — are experts at verbally prepping their opponents for the beat downs they’re about to receive. Just look at Hall of Fame trash-talker Muhammad Ali. The veteran pugilist once noted of an opponent, “I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.” Or how about Mike Tyson, who once said of Lennox Lewis: "I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children." These men, and others of their ilk, know the value of showing up your adversary before the game even begins.

Make it personal

Although generic insults are generally effective, you’ll be sure to inflict far more damage by specifically tailoring your trash talk to your opponent and his lifestyle. Are they cheap? Tell them they make Ebenezer Scrooge look like Bill Gates. Are they dim-witted? Tell them to sell their IQ when it gets to 60 points. Do they work in a dead-end job? Taunt them endlessly about their minimum wage salary and clip-on tie. Making trash talk isn’t for the faint of heart, so check your political correctness at the door and go for the jugular.

Be creative

Any moron can swear and hurl invectives. If you really want your trash talk to be memorable, it’s important to be clever and creative. Rather than telling your opponent he’s a horrible player, tell him his game has “more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese,” or casually inform him that he’s like a bundle of firewood because “he’s always getting burned.”

Celtics legend Larry Bird was a master of this technique. During the three-point shooting contest at All-Star Weekend in 1986, Bird famously eyeballed his competition for several minutes before saying: "I'm just looking around to see who's gonna finish up second." Bird knew then, as countless other ballers know now, that if you elevate your trash talk to an art form you’ll be sure to stand out from the crowd.