Sunday, January 10, 2010

I'm in Hell. That's life. Who needs pants? I don't give a crap if it's 20 degrees, shorts will be fine on a 2/3 of a mile walk to the 24 hour convenience store for a 6 pack. Beer needed, pants be damned. Can't find my jacket so two long sleeve thermal shirts and a short sleeve over that's good. 3:45 a.m., barely any cars on the road. No cars for 5 or ten minutes, Evanescence in the ears, but how come when there's cars, two at the same time pass in opposite directions? What are the odds?!? Bizarre. Gloves were need but just pull the hands inside the sleeves and it's allg ood.

Beer bought, walk home. More Evanescence. Though I was walking on a road, that's some great hiking music for a cold morning under the stars. Warm on the the way home, no more freezing hands. Grateful Dead terrapin hemp baseball hat keeps me head warm. Somethin' like 45 minutes later, home I am to drink. Air temp was below freezing so beer was cold right away. Nice. Evanescence finishes so how about some Pearl Jam in the ears? Loud, fast, joyless. There's no joy in hopelessness.

8:12 a.m. now and I'm on my last beer. Thankfully the convenience store closer to me (not 24 hrs) uis now open. NBeed more beer, spelling erros now be damhed. Screw 'em.

INXS - Dekadance. Shoryt EP before I play me some Temple of the Dog.

Tis weally messed up, Elmer Fudd would say with a "w" instead of an "r" -- Sunday morning church? Or beer? Beer and hopelessness. Screw the world, screw everything. Just give me loud, fast, somewhat maybe angry music and endless CSI: Miami's and NCIS episodes. Leverage on TNT and Psych on USa start soon. Family Guy's good for a laugh now and then, Community and 30 Rock and Parks & Recreation also... but what good is a laugh without joy? It's so false? Temporary? All laughs are temporary but I guess it's just momentary, something to fill up a tiny little part of life before death. A mometary distraction from the hell.

Someone commented here recently along the lines of -- "Play some Dead." Yeah, right. I wish I could. I want to. Badly. It's so0 messed up, ya know, the desire is tremendously tjhere for the Gratefil Dead and Jerry HGarcia to provide again some joy in this life . . . but it just ain't a-happenin'. Just ain't. There's nothing in life to be happy about. Happiness makes the GD and JGB awesome, just dopwnright freakin' awesome, ya know, great, splendid, wicked great, bitchgin', gnarly, killer, orgasmic, wonderful, mmmm, so goooooood . . . i know this . . . but I can't press play because there's no joy to be the door to that added Grateness. Do I make sense. Probably not. Do i care? No. Whatever. I just wish I had a home. I'm fucking homeless, I've nowhere that I fit in. Home is where the heart is and where's my heart? Stolen and I hate it. I hate life. I hatre myself. I hate the world. I hate life and I just wish I could slice my wrists open and bleed to death. Yay. Now there'd be some joy. Whatever. Temple of the Dog's playing, last beer's being drunk and tis perhaps time for me to get me another 6 pack. I dunno why. Seriously -- I've been great with maybe a mere one six pack in like the last 3 or 4 weeks, constanly battloing the d4esire to drink, but the alcholic compulsion is there right now. Why? It just is. Nothing else to say. Ramble ramble ramble. Country's going to hell. Whatever. Music plays, nothing gives me joy. Want to die. Whatever. Maybe I'll sober up and find a good video to post after this to deflect. Why',m I even typing all this crap? Beats me. Whatever. Life sucls. Did i mnention that already or not? yeahh ... i thought i did.

6 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Man up!

Crying like a baby...drinking like a child. You live in the easiest time in history for people to live and in the one country where even if you're dirt poor you live better than half the world. Your problem is that you love misery. More than half the world would love to have what you have, yet you cry like a baby. It's not the country going to hell. It's YOU!You just want to blame your own inability to accept responsibility for your current state on others.How's that working for ya?

I won't deny that even those in poverty in America live like kings compared to poverty around the world. People in America in poverty have a high rate of obesity. People in poverty in Africa die from starvation. That's why I care very little for the poverty situation in America compared to elsewhere... but that's not at issue here, is it? No.

I don't love misery. If I did I'd want to wallow in misery forever. I don't. You should've caught that 'cause I believe somewhere in that mess I stated I do want joy (the exact opposite of misery.)

And yes, the country is going to hell. Aren't you paying attention? Super swell leaders we have who don't know jack diddly squat about how to do things right and according to what the people want. "59% oppose our healthcare bill? Let's pass it anyway," they say. Idiots.

Yet again I digress. My current state of affairs is something I have next to no control over. It's like prison. Of course, most often except in cases where innocent people are falsely jailed, prisoners kinda sorta put themselves there. I am to blame for my own personal imprisonment in misery yet I'm also not to blame. Factors to help me out of misery are not cooperating. How does that make me feel? Hopeless and completely lost. Again, I do want out of this, I want joy. It just ain't happenin'.

P.S. way to be empathetic. The tough love approach doesn't always work. Not that being empathetic would help either because you're not one who can do what needs to be done to help.

Well if you're serious about wanting out of misery, try a different approach. (Doesn't AA define insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?) Pick up a copy of The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and Dr. Howard Cutler. Practical advice you can put to work NOW, without any move towards converting to Buddhism. They don't want us. The guy is always happy and he lost his entire freaking country.

Happiness is always a choice. And the country isn't going to hell...through change, yes. It's not the 50s anymore. We have all the answers, but we have an unwilling population. But that part is obvious. LOL

Give it a shot...maybe get it on disc or tape from the library. What have you to lose but your unhappiness?

A leader who did what the people think they want isn't a leader. That defines follower. Besides, it's not a healthcare reform bill...it's an insurance reform bill. No one wants REAL health care reform because it makes too much sense. Defending our people against an enemy we can see and hate? Sure. Against disease and ill health? nah...

It's all symptomatic of the same thing...unhappiness...and the politicians on both sides use it against us. Divide and conquer. Fuck them. They do not define my mood or my life.

Smoke pot? Yeah right. I gave up that unhealthy lifestyle years ago. It's also a waste of money. I know, so's drinkin' but at least one can't go to jail for having beer. And back to health, beer doesn't screw up the lungs and decrease stamina the way smoking does. I used to love smoking it when I was less of an idiot than I am now . . . but good health is 1,000 times more important.