Communities across the country are experiencing success with
counseling for unwed fathers plus other mentoring initiatives.

The U.S. is the world leader in families without fathers. From
1960 to 1990, the number of children living only with their mother
jumped from 5,100,000 to 15,600,000. Just 27% of American kids live with
their biological mother and father.

Over the past 30 years, fathers have been disappearing from
American families. Divorce dramatically has altered the roles of fathers
for nearly half the youngsters in the nation. Further, the cost of
making a living and maintaining a family has resulted in both parents
working. Parents today spend 40% less time with their children than
parents of the previous generation. Many of today's fathers have
two or even three jobs. Others travel weekly, taking them away from
their families.

We hear about deadbeat dads, absentee dads, teenage dads, abusive dads, alcoholic dads, and workaholic dads. So pervasive is the negative
information about fathers that many people have come to doubt that we
can---or even should--halt the trend toward fatherlessness.
Nevertheless, for the sake of the children, we must try.

Perhaps the fastest growing subpopulation of absentee fathers is
unmarried men. Each year in the U.S., more than 1,000,000 babies are
born to unwed mothers. The statistics are grim for these children. They
are more likely to live in poverty, get minimal medical care, and do
poorly in school. There is an overwhelming chance that their male
offspring will turn to drugs, gang activity, and crime. Their female
children likely will become unwed mothers themselves, and the cycle
continues.

The growing divorce rate magnifies the trend of fatherless
families. About 40% of kids whose parents are divorced have not seen
their father in at least a year. Ten years after divorce, more than
two-thirds of those living with their mother haven't seen their
father for a year.

Today's society holds a number of misconceptions that help
sustain fatherlessness. One is that raising children is women's
work. Americans share the myth that it is somehow not masculine to care
for kids. Yet, a rapidly growing number of single fathers dispute this
belief every day by working at their paid jobs and raising their
offspring.

Another misconception is that girls do not need fathers. This is
not true. Research shows that girls with active and hardworking dads are
more ambitious, more successful in school, attend college more often,
and are more likely to attain careers of their own. They are less
dependent, more self-protective, and less likely to date or marry
abusive men.

Many fathers hold the misconception that small children do not
need their influence and that they can just step in when the kids are
older. They believe that the things grown men have to offer require more
attention, strength, or self-control than youngsters can sustain.
However, if a man waits until his son or daughter is older, the child
probably will resent Dad's lack of previous involvement, will have
become overdependent on Mom, and will show little interest in Dad's
favored activities, opinions, or suggestions.

A fourth misconception is that fathers can "make up" for
being gone. Many absentee dads excuse themselves from everyday
involvement in their offspring's lives by making scheduled
appearances for so-called "quality time" experiences. Quality
time is not just a photo opportunity at the zoo, though. It is doing
homework, building school projects, or talking with a child who has had
a hard day.

Many people, particularly single mothers, question the notion that
youngsters suffer without an active father in the family. Mothers assume
their love and guidance is enough. However, an avalanche of evidence
from educators, law enforcement officials, mental health facilities, and
teen pregnancy programs show the negative consequences of raising kids
without fathers. The facts clearly demonstrate that children of
disrupted families experience increased emotional, behavioral, and
educational problems.

So powerful is the relationship between fatherlessness and
juvenile crime that this factor alone is more predictive than poverty
level, race, and education level. When fathers are absent from the home,
adolescent and teenage boys are two to four times more likely to be
arrested for juvenile offenses. Youngsters living in non-intact families
are twice as likely to repeat a grade than those living with both
parents, and their dropout rate is two times greater. Boys who got in
trouble for violent misbehavior while at school were 11 times more
likely to come from fatherless homes. Fatherless children have more
difficulty forming and maintaining peer relationships than those from
two-parent families. Kids involved with their fathers, on the other
hand, have stronger self-esteem, are less susceptible to peer pressure,
show greater skills and competence, and are more self-reliant.

Without fathers, most children lack the support, guidance, and
discipline required to deal with life outside the family and, in many
instances, within it. If the magnitude of the problems associated with
fatherlessness is considered, it is clear that the absence of fathers in
youngsters' lives is a devastating trend. Today's world is
complex and challenging, and children need the balance of a mother and a
father. Relationships between men and women seem more difficult to
maintain. Nevertheless, kids still need two parents to protect and
prepare them for life as adults.

Fathers' contributions

As a family psychologist, I have conducted countless parent
training programs over the years and interviewed hundreds of active
fathers. Based on what I have learned, I have come to believe strongly
that a father's contributions are complementary to those of the
mother and that they are different and irreplaceable. In my seminars,
when participants are asked to give the contributions of fathers, they
typically list the following:

Financial support. The most frequently cited contribution of
fathers is financial support. Yet, many men point to their obligations
associated with wage earning as the major obstacle preventing them from
being more involved as fathers. Clearly, fathers must work for their
families, but the need to work is not an excuse for being absent. A
father's obligations go beyond financial support and hard work.

Caregiving. At its most fundamental level, caregiving means taking
care of someone who is unable to care for himself or herself. Caregiving
for children goes beyond changing diapers. It includes feeding, bathing,
getting them to bed, teaching, and an endless list of tasks. It is
important for a man to be involved in the caregiving process to anchor
the father-child connection and to establish himself as an equal parent
with his wife. Caregiving is an expression of a dad's commitment to
his child.

Physical play. While caregiving is essential, the male's role
as playmate emerges as the most powerful variable in anchoring the
father-child relationship. All kids, from infants to elementary
school-aged youngsters, prefer play with their fathers over doing so
with their mothers. Compared to mothers, play with fathers is
unpredictable, rough-and-tumble, and somewhat risky for children, but
the benefits override the risks. Kids with secure attachments with their
fathers come to see themselves as successful risk-takers and are better
prepared to form trusting relationships with people outside the family.

Trust. A mother, through feeding and protecting a newborn,
immediately forms powerful links of dependency and trust with her son or
daughter. Fathers do not share this biological connection, yet they play
a critical role in teaching that trusting relationships other than the
mother-child relationship are valuable. The formation of a trusting
relationship between father and child is the first crucial experience
the youngster will have with a representative of the outside world.

Identity. Everyone agrees that mothers play a powerful role in the
development of the child's personality. Until recently, the role of
the father in formation of a child's identity has been
underestimated greatly. Boys and girls need the influence of both
parents in the formation of their identities. Dads who are uninvolved rob their offspring of the opportunity to share the diversity of both
parents' perspectives, attitudes, values, opinions, and
experiences.

Family traditions. Wise fathers have learned to use traditions as
a way of staying connected with their kids. Traditions link us to our
past, to the people we loved, and to experiences and memories. They
provide a way for dads to overcome obstacles and maintain important
linkages.

Security. Effective fathers establish clear limits for their
offspring's behavior. Limits provide kids with a sense of security
and caring, ensure self-respect, and teach respect for others. When a
father sets and maintains reasonable limits, children feel secure within
the family and behave themselves outside it.

Self-protection. Effective fathers play key roles in teaching
their children to protect themselves, their money, possessions, and good
name.

Humor. Amusing stories are more powerful teaching tools than
lectures. Effective dads use their own failures or less-than-perfect
past performances as tension breakers, allowing kids to be
self-forgiving and less anxious. Lectures turn youngsters off, while
humor pulls them in and reduces anxiety.

Courage. Effective males encourage their children to take
calculated risks and test themselves. They allow their offspring to
experience success and, on occasion, defeat. Learning to deal with
life's adversities is essential. When fathers stand by the
legitimacy of their obligation to help youngsters learn to persevere,
they model courageous behavior for their kids. Courage means moving
beyond comfort and helping children test themselves and persevere.

Independence. When youngsters have an active father, they are less
dependent on the mother. It is important for fathers to schedule time
alone with their sons and daughters when the mother is not around. When
dads initiate these activities, kids typically get a lot more practice
doing things for themselves. Effective fathers follow this rule:
Don't do for children what they can do for themselves.

Self-confidence. To master new skills, kids have to be able to
enter novel and difficult situations believing they can succeed.
Self-confidence is learned. When fathers introduce their offspring to
real-life experiences, they take on the role of teacher or coach.
Effective fathers understand that support and approval do more to build
self-confidence than so-called constructive criticism.

Patience. Children learn to persevere when dads are patient. A key
factor in becoming more patient is linked to expectations. When fathers
understand that youngsters are not perfect and that mistakes are to be
expected, they are less likely to fall into the trap of impatience. As
dads demonstrate more patience, their kids become better, faster
learners.

Forgiveness allows people to let go of disappointment and anger.
Forgiving fathers open the door for their children to learn
self-forgiveness. That, in turn, lets kids acknowledge their mistakes
and become self-correcting.

Complementary roles

It is clear that the contributions of mothers and fathers overlap
in numerous instances. Yet, men and women do not parent in the same way.
Even the best of mothers can not be substitute fathers. While the
mother's role is essential and powerful, children need the
complementary roles of both an active mother and active father.

While parents are obligated to work hard at keeping the family
together, this is not always possible. For years, family counselors have
supported no-fault divorce, believing that children would be better off
if their parents could get along. Nevertheless, it is possible for men
of all ages and all situations--married or divorced, young or old--to
become committed and loving fathers, providing the input and the
influence their offspring need.

Not long ago, I placed an ad in a local newspaper in an attempt to
learn how active dads successfully balance their work obligations with
their kids' need for an involved father. To my surprise, the phone
rang constantly. Some of the men I talked with were making truly heroic efforts at being more than wage-earners. One of the fathers, Larry,
works weekends as a butcher for a major grocery market. He is not
available for most of his kids' weekend activities. On his usual
days off in the middle of the week, though, Larry volunteers at his
children's school. He assists the teacher, eats lunch with the
kids, and helps with homework.

Another father, Jim, makes his living as a surveyor. His job often
requires that he work out of town for days at a time. Jim and his wife
have a daughter, so he sets his alarm for 5:15 a.m. each day when he is
in town so that, when she wakes up, he will be ready to spend time with
her. They eat, talk, and he takes her to school. When Jim is on the
road, he often drives many miles, late at night, so that he will be home
for this time with his daughter at least every other morning.

These men have created their own solutions to problems common to
many fathers. How can their examples, and the success of other committed
dads, be utilized to teach men across the country how to become active,
involved fathers?

We can mobilize our communities to address these issues, create
forums on responsible fathering, and showcase the obligation of men to
contribute to their children's lives. Communities across the
country already are experiencing success with hundreds of local
initiatives, such as programs for unwed fathers, mentoring for fathers
of infants, or local outreach efforts involving fathers and troubled
youth.

In central Texas, I have worked with almost 2,000 fathers over the
past two years and developed a program called "Accepting the
Challenges of Fatherhood" to help them understand and adopt the
contributions of effective dads. My experience with these men makes it
evident that, to make a difference, the involvement and commitment of
entire communities is needed in developing local initiatives. Community
leaders, policymakers, business representatives, the media, women's
and men's groups, educators, and religious organizations must be
involved. With such a diverse group of leaders discussing the problems
and the potential solutions to fatherlessness, the importance and the
magnitude of this issue can be demonstrated.

By developing local solutions to a national problem, there is an
opportunity to make a difference in children's lives. Let's
take it.

Dr. Klinger, president, Center for Successful Fathering, Austin,
Tex., is the author of The Common Sense, No-Frills, Plain-English Guide
to Being a Successful Dad.

COPYRIGHT 1998 Society for the Advancement of Education
No portion of this article can be reproduced without the express written permission from the copyright holder.