It's
Prom Season! Tuxedoes! Ball
Gowns! Limos! Rohypnol-laced
punch! Whenever I see those
young strapping date rapists
and soon-to-be pornstarlets
with raccoon-eyes hooting out
of a limousine window or tripping
over their gown and scraping
their knee on the sidewalk and
screaming in agony, I get nostalgic
for the prom.

I remember my prom almost as
if it happened 8 years ago.
My date, well call her Brad,
wore a beautiful white dress.
I was in a snappy tuxedo. We
had a lovely dinner at Chuck-E-Cheeses,
and danced all night to the
wonderful sounds of Aphex Twin.
In the morning, after an all
night romance fest during which
five couples copulated unprotected
in the Jacuzzi, I woke up next
to her mother. Ahh The Prom!
Lend me your ears and I will
let you in on Paikas secret
to a successful Prom. Or I just
might sew them into my Flesh-Mask.

"Russell
Paika Helped Us,
He Can Help You Too!
So Listen Up."

The
most important part of the prom is your
date. Dates must be selected carefully,
as they are the ones youll knock up
and have to marry. Take your parents
for example. Did they pick the right
prom date? Try to pick a nerd. Nerds
are smart and they put out easily and
more skillfully. Plus they are usually
late bloomers and will look better in
a few years.

Next is attire. What will you wear?
Ladies, men dont respect an ensemble
made solely of electrical tape. Mix
in some glue and noodles. Gentleman,
the tuxedo is the norm, but many young
men have opted for the retro-cool Zoot
suit. If you do this, you are an idiot,
and I will personally ruin your prom
by beating you with a claw hammer.

Dining etiquette is absolutely paramount.
Never ever bitch slap your lady friend
in view of the Wendys Drive-Thru. Some
of those people are good Samaritans,
and might call the police. Wait until
youre safely parked behind Wal-Mart
where no one will see you.

Drinking alcohol is as old a prom staple
as the prom itself. But dont spoil your
prom by acting like a savage drunken
fool at the dance. Wait until you are
at the designated after-prom house.
That way, the police will be able to
find more accessible parking.

For some of you, drugs are important
to your prom night. Try to stick to
designer drugs like cocaine, methamphetamines,
and crack. Trust me, high school proms
are NOT the place for LSD. Try it if
you dont believe me. It will be a nightmare
youll never fully wake up from.

The After-Prom. This is the place and
time that will determine if you had
a wonderful high school prom. This is
where romantic gestures are either accepted,
or horribly rejected. Men, when making
the first move, try to be as smooth
as possible. Be a gentleman. Gently
rub her knee, dont claw at it like a
rabid bonobo. (I learned that lesson
the hard way.) When going in for the
kiss, keep your eyes open. You dont
want to miss. In fact keep your eyes
open wide the entire time. Women love
that. The rest will follow smoothly.
Some of you might have stage-fright
regarding the first move. Thats perfectly
normal. If you find yourself struggling
for that come-on line, I find that the
use of a sock-puppet as a mediator helps.
Just make sure you jump in at the right
moment. You wouldnt want that scheming
little puppet getting all the action,
would you?

Well, I hope these tips make your prom
as successful as mine was. And if you
do wind up engaging in coitus, please
use sexual protection. A popular form
of contraception is prayer. Remember:
relax, have a good time, and ALWAYS
leave a tip for your dates parents.
Have a wonderful time, kids!