Where there's never an unspoken adorable thought.

Confused

I swear I understand Chaos Theory better than I understand Christian denominations. Case in point: a family member recently wondered aloud whether a certain church talked about Jesus. I kinda thought that guy was the whole point of a Christian church. But what do I know? I am confused.

I have no idea what the people who work in different churches are called. Which church has Ministers? Who has Pastors? Chaplains? Where do the reverends work? Is reverends even a word?! I don’t know.

Don’t ask me if those “guys” have to be guys, or if they can be female, gay guys, gay lesbians, married, marry gay people or have children of their own.

I know some church names, like Episcopal, Lutheran, Unitarian, Baptist and Catholic. I am also familiar with the White Church, The Red Church and the church on Merwin Lane. Do they take the body of Christ? Drink the wine? Does the church encourage simplicity? Do you have to stand to sing? Sing to get your dinner? Beats me.

Here is an awkward segue: I am confused about American car manufacturers in The Exact Same Way. I know that there is GM and Ford, although which one owns Cadillac, Pontiac, Chevy, Dodge, Lincoln or Oldsmobile is a Total Mystery. Some of those may not even be cars any more.

I beg you not to write me and explain all these things. It has been done before and I just don’t have the capacity or willpower to learn it. I shall remain confused about everything but this: my family owned a 1978 Ford Econoline van that spontaneously combusted in front of Brock’s Restaurant on Route 7. I was baptized a Catholic, but never went to church. I believe that we Catholics have a strangely high tolerance for chaos and — some of us — a basic understanding of Chaos Theory. But THAT’S IT!

You said don’t want to know this. But I also am confused. Unitarians were Christians who thought the Trinity was too woo-woo magic/total BS. Universalists believed Jesus was god and the savior and that every single asshole was saved, no picking and choosing or need to convert, etc. Both groups were too small to last long, so they joined into one mish-mash. Unitarian Universalists are generally atheist intellectuals or homeless people seeking free snacks. All wear expensive socks. Fin.