Things to Do in Denver When You’re Not Dead

Beatbox/80’s Retro group Vagina Vigilante announced today that they will be “taking a break” after a contentious show in Denver resulted in two seminal members deciding to pursue careers as a rap duo. Insiders report that the duo will be called Femineminem, likely because it is more fun to say than any of their other ideas, such as Toothpaste Pus. The announcement, following so close on the heels of the international success of their debut album, Put a Salve on Her and GTFO, left the band’s formidable but shapely fan base shocked and dismayed – and eagerly awaiting the new incarnation.

Friday Last weekend Two weekends ago This year I met a bunch of people in Denver. On purpose and everything. This is us:

Not Pictured:

Chris Hemsworth ofNaked Hide and Seekok he wasn’t there and that’s not a real website. *clicks to be sure*

I know what you are thinking.

You are thinking “How did this get in my newsfeed?”

Also, “They did NOT start a band named Vagina Vigilante.”

You are not wrong.

But we totally could have.

We made other choices. Better choices.

We did some sightseeing which, to the uninitiated, means driving around in big circles looking for shit and trying to figure out where to park.

We went to the Botanical Gardens, courtesy of Jenn, and learned about corpseflowers and took pictures of stuff:

We went to Garden of the Gods, and my navigator, who was supposed to read the GPS to me, was too busy looking at these guys to do her job:

I know! So pretty!

….and since it wasn’t my job to pay attention to where we were going I went right when I should have gone left, and we found ourselves facing an uncertain future on a one-way road surrounded by dangerously steep cliffs, trapped in a vehicle with a driver who has anger management problems. (not a political analogy, probably.)

Surprisingly, I did not panic. We were still in the park, so I figured worst-case scenario, we’d spend one night foraging for food and running from predators which was already pretty much on the itinerary.

I bought a giant hoodie in Garden of the Gods Gift Shop that says “Not All Who Wander Are Lost” right after I got lost at Garden of the Gods.

No one gets me.

I know what you are thinking.

You are thinking, “Why didn’t you make time to pretend to be art outside a train station bathroom?”

“Or to play chess with tiny men in speedos?”

“Or sit in a giant swing looking sad and/or mysterious?”

We did. Try not to ask such stupid questions.

We “networked,” which, to the uninitiated, means bottomless mimosas at brunch with giant pancakes and tiny cups of syrup. I am not a good networker. Well, I’m good at the drinking and eating part, but not at the “make conversation with people without scaring them into making up excuses to leave,” part.

We “bonded,” which, to the uninitiated, means bottomless sitting in the hotel eating cheese and drinking wine, cruising the Denver bar scene loudly proclaiming our love for each other and later sitting at the hotel bar eating an obscene variety of appetizers and playing an equally obscene round of “Never Have I Ever -The Confessional Version” which means if you are the one drinking you also have to share the story behind it. I have thoughtfully included a video of that conversationhere.