Psalm 91:4 HE shall cover you with HIS pinions and under HIS wings you shall trust and find refuge…

A Mother’s Heart, The Father’s Love Ch. 2

Chapter Two

Close Encounter of a Loving Kind

A Divine Meeting

There came a point in my life when just living was no longer an option. For me, a desperation had set in to such a degree, I knew that if something didn’t happen, a miracle of sorts, I was not going to make it another day. No one knew how at night my cries to the Lord were telling Him to take me away from this world. No one knew how I cried again in the morning with feelings of guilt because of my love for my girls. Truly I didn’t want to leave them, but I wanted relief from the pain. The pain of being ill, alone, without ever knowing true love, and feeling utterly abandoned. Two divorces, a single Mom, a debilitating disease. But this particular evening was a Tuesday night. Our church had intercessory prayer and so I readied myself and purposed my heart to…well… find some answers. Author Max Davis says, “Desperate dependence is the place where we can stop living by our own power.” It’s where we discover God’s strength in and through us. This day I was desperate. Upon arrival I realized the door was open and the music was playing. Making my way down to the altar, my thoughts went to wondering, “Where is everyone? Why is the music playing and there isn’t anyone else here? Who unlocked the door?” Being alone I lifted my hands in worship and sobbing cried out to the Lord, “ I need You Jesus, and I refuse to leave this place until I see You.” Over and over through tears again and again I asked. This must be what Hannah looked like when she was confused for a drunk. Oh how I related to her suffering and torment!

1 Samuel 1:9 Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the Lord’s house. In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.” As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.” “Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.” Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.

It was if there were no other in existence in the world besides me, and here I stood, alone. Crying out to a God I could not see, ” Where are you, Jesus. Why have you left me alone? I must see You, I have to see you?” A familiar hand grabbed hold of mine. My dear friend, Susan. But only for a moment was her presence with me. Then it happened. It was as if my legs were jelly. I could hear the sound of ocean waves roaring, and the wind as if a heavy gale was swirling about me, but wait…how can that be? There is no ocean here. I’m in a church. Again my legs trembling beneath me. I could hear a song playing in the distance, More love, More Power, More of You in my life, More Love, More Power, More of You in My life and I will worship…the waves again, legs wobbling, body falling forward. As my body hit the floor, immediately everything was dark and silent. It was as if I was moving at such an incredible speed, but yet standing still all at once. Were those stars coming toward me and then gone again. The presence of someone very near yet, not in my sight. An angel? The ocean sounds again. Where am I? I’m standing on what appears to be an old boat, much like I have imagined the disciples must have used in their travelings.

My thoughts overwhelmed by the beauty of what my eyes now see. I’m on an ocean heading toward a beach. The tops of the waves sparkling as if blanketed with jewels. The sea crystal blue. To the left of me I see the waves reaching up like hands coming out from the water as they crashed on the side of a mountain wall. Again and again I watched them each time feeling an excitement as if they were speaking something in their thunderous roar. My eyes followed up the wall and their on the top in the distance was the appearance of a man. Each time the waves reached out and up the wind blew and His robe blew simultaneously. A harmony of pulsing with my own heartbeat. As my boat drew closer in I could see more clearly and it was then I knew why the waves were so joyous. This man was Jesus. His garments white as snow, hair blowing with the wind. He was smiling and it seemed He was a child receiving a gift at Christmas time. Raising His hand and with a beckoning forward, He began to call, “Come on, come on.” Emotions began to spill from my heart. “Who was He talking to? Could it possibly be me?” I turned to look behind me and there were hundreds of boats coming behind mine. Some were filled with many people and others with one or two. But all coming across the ocean. In amazement I declared from my thoughts, “No wonder He is so excited.” But just as I thought it, He began to call again, “Come on, come on, Cindy, come on.” Tears filled my eyes. He was calling me forward. It was me He was delighted to see. Jesus wants me.

It seemed as if in a moment I was coming into shore. I jumped from the boat and falling into the water and a hand reached down and grabbed my own. There was Jesus standing in front of me, smiling and pulling me close. “How did He get there so quickly? Moments ago He was on top of the mountain. Moments ago I was in a church. All at once every emotion imaginable swelled within in me. I began to cry and laugh and became weak, but yet so strong. I knew that all was forgiven and even somehow not even thought of again. It was like I had been in this place my whole life. Jesus took me from the water and said, “I’ve been waiting for you. Come, walk with me. I have some things to show you.” He took by the hand and we began strolling down the beach, picking up sea shells. I marveled at His beauty. His skin so dark and smooth. His hair golden with strands like the sun. His eyes the clearest blue piercing with compassion. It was as if you could see right through them. I know in all the pictures we have of the Lord he has a beard, but I don’t recall Him having one. He was young, but then He died young didn’t He. Feeling as if I were only four years old, I picked up a tiny shell, colors more vibrant than anything imagined with pink and blue hues. I held it up to Him and said, “Look Jesus, it’s so pretty!” He laughed, and His smile, oh His smile, beamed with such light and His eyes with such love. I could feel great pleasure from Him in my wonderment. The shell had a life of its own, and its only reason for being there was to make the world around it more beautiful. Its intended purpose was to bring great pleasure to all who would marvel at its beauty. We walked on picking up shells for some time, and often even skipping along the beach shore. Me and Jesus, holding hands, and skipping like little children.

At one point, I could see a little boy in the distance also picking up shells. Running and playing and oblivious to anything happening around him. He ran over to us. He was four years old, blond hair and fair-skinned. As He came closer and closer I realized I knew this child. He came straight to me, and handed me another shell. He looked up into my eyes and it was then I knew. We communicated with one another without ever saying a word. This child was my little brother. You see, without going into all the details, my mother had lost a baby. His name was Benjamin. This was him. Joy filled every part of me. After he handed me the shell, he ran on down the shoreline collecting more. Jesus caught my eyes and smiled again and motioned for me to come take another walk.

I would like to say here to all of those who have lost children in some way, whether it was a miscarriage, still-born, or an abortion. The babies are there with Jesus and the Father. In Genesis Ch. 9, Leviticus Ch. 17, and Deuteronomy Ch.12 we see that the life of every creature is found in the blood. You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit (Job 10:12).Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture (Psalm 100:3)Did not he who made me in the womb make them? Did not the same one form us both within our mothers? (Job 31:15).This is what the LORD says—he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you…(Isaiah 44:2).Momma, let your mind and heart believe and rest in knowing your child is with the Creator whose love is unending and unfailing.

Remember What it is Like To Be a Child

We left the shore and walked along a path. The grass was green as jade, crisp and alive. Jesus spoke ever so gently at this point. “Remember what it was like to be a child.” “I’m not sure, Jesus.” “Try to remember.” For a brief moment He became angry and with His hand opened He said, “Remember what it was like to be a child, before the world snatched your innocence away from you.” He made a snatching motion and then just as quickly was so gentle again. “Try to remember.” His anger wasn’t directed at me or even people, but at pain and sadness caused at the loss of innocence. It was righteous and holy anger.

The word snatched means to violently take by force or to seize by a sudden or hasty grasp. Dear One, the enemy stops at nothing to kidnap us from our childhood. He wants the place of innocence in us to become enticed by the very lie he has been telling through the ages. The bible tells in 1 Peter 5:8 Be well-balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour. He uses this world system and its way of doing things to accomplish stealing, killing, and destroying. He’s after your strength, your trust, and your hope as they relate to the Father and His love for you.

Pausing here to think about this. A sort of selah moment. Jesus wants us to know we can still be children. In fact, He wants us to know it’s what He intended. I’m not speaking of being childish in the sense we are unwise, but child like in a way that we have total trust in the Giver of Life and His ability to sustain us in all circumstance. It takes great maturity to be a child. We consider being dependent a negative thing. In fact so much so, we spend our whole life trying to become independent. The Father’s heart is for us to depend on Him. I remember thinking about my twin girls at the moment He spoke this to me, and how they played all day, with no worries or cares of things to come. Innocent and Simple. Guileless, and Pure. Dependent upon me without a thought of what that means. What would it be like if we went playfully along through our day relying on, trusting in, and adhering to, the Father in and for all things, allowing His Kingdom to reign as we took part in it as His sons and daughters. It is all ours – all of it. Again, selah…

The Heart of The Father

As we continued on our walk, something was happening. I began to feel such powerful love that weakness overtook me. So much so, I needed to lay down. As I went toward the ground Jesus walked on ahead and disappeared into a marvelous light. A great fear and awe and trembling came over me. I lay face down and the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced came rolling over and over in waves of liquid love. A soothing warmth, full of healing. In and out and through my entire being. I vaguely heard someone say, “don’t touch her.” There are no words to describe the incredible peace and joy I felt illuminating within me. This went on for a while then I heard His sweet footsteps returning. The waves waned and the trembling dissipated. As I looked up I could see Jesus coming back out from the light. Somehow I knew He had been with the Father and He knew my thoughts and answered them. “I just came from the heart of the Father, He and I are One. I said, “I knew that.” He laughed and said, “I know.” His desire is for you to know His love for you. My love for you is an everlasting hope and comfort. Who do you run to when all else fails? You run to the One Who loves you.” Jesus playing with me on the shore as if I were a little girl and telling me to remember what it was like to be a child, was Him showing me the love of a father – THE FATHER. His heart’s desire is for me. It is for you – for everyone. He wants us to run to Him and not away from Him when we fail. His desire is for His family.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. —Ephesians 1:4-6

Everlasting Hope & Comfort

“My love for you is an everlasting hope and comfort.” Here is what I know. In no matter what circumstance I find my self in this life I have been given, there is everlasting hope and comfort in the love of God. There is no other that can give it, and nothing can match it. You are not called to heaviness, but called to be lost in heavy love. Secondly, what I also know is that Jesus finds everlasting hope and comfort in the love He has for us. He is not partial. He loves as He is love. As I am typing this and remembering this moment, emotions are flooding my soul. Take a moment and fathom it. Think about how you bring HIM, everlasting hope and comfort.

Psalm 139:17-18 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they out number the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!

The King’s Command

Jesus took me back down the path we had walked earlier. As we neared the sea again, He said, “It is time for you to go back.” Crying and begging, “Jesus no please let me stay.” Jesus looking out over the sea, raised His arm to silence me and as a King giving an order He proclaimed, “Now go tell my people!” Immediately, the crying and begging stopped. I was filled with awe of His majesty. His character so full of love and mercy, yet authority unmatched. My heart pounding, I remembered all those who were coming in the boats. I thought of my girls, and my sister, my family and my friends. Go tell His people. He ordered it. I had to go. How could I do what He is commanding? I felt like Moses. I’m not a great communicator. At least it seems when I do try I get into a lot of trouble a times. What does all this mean? Why is He asking this of me? But my heart is willing. There on the water was my boat and as I stepped in I turned to get one last glimpse. His robe and hair blowing with the wind again. A pulsation of life surging through every part of me joined in with everything around me. “Remember, what its like to be a child, Jesus said.” “I love you Jesus.”

Light and Darkness

Just as quickly as in the going, the coming back happened. My body came straight up off the floor back into standing position. There was darkness all around me. Wait, where am I? The darkness is debilitating. I turned around to see my friend Susan and two others staring at me. “Did you see Him? Did you see Jesus? Why is so dark in here? Turn the lights on. “The lights are on, Cindy, they exclaimed.”I saw Jesus! Did you see Him?” For some reason it seemed they should have been there too. “I saw, Jesus!” Susan and the others were staring at me. “I know.” Susan said.

Thought: I was before The Light – The Giver of Life – Jesus. This world, even with all its beauty and splendor, is dark in comparison.

“While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”John 9:5

John 12:46 I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.

John 3:18-20 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed.