Monday, August 24, 2009

Perhaps T-Rex has selective memory. This is what I’m coming to believe because he doesn’t seem to remember any of our super-cute text message conversations that convinced me he liked me, but instead remembers asking me to come to his football game next month. Does that make sense to anyone?

I honestly have no idea how a guy can simply forget all of those conversations. How can you forget that you’ve been thinking about a girl “24/7” after just one week? He told me he was going to take me on a date, but I guess he simply forgot or found someone else. I don’t know and although I care (he is one of my best friends after all), it’s not something I find particularly helpful to dwell on (although that doesn’t seem to stop me!). I’ve already spent too many days trying to figure out what has been going on with him. I noticed the change as soon as I came back from visiting him. I’ve rarely talked to him since I came back which is so odd. I’m sorry to say, but no, I’m not 5’6”, 120 lbs with a pair of double D’s!! This is me and if you can’t be happy with that, that’s just too damn bad honey! I was myself 110% of the time while I was up there so I have no clue what happened! When we do talk, as rarely as it might be, he keeps telling me that he is really busy. I guess that is a fair excuse, but it still seems strange. (This is me NOT dwelling on the subject?)

We’ve been kinda-sorta talking these past couple of days, but that’s about to end. It’s time we play a little “tit-for-tat” with Mr. T. I hate playing these sorts of games, and he and I promised not to play games. Also though, he did promise me a ton of shit that just ain’t happening right now and I can’t take this anymore. I’ll just disappear for a little while and if he decides to chase me, he can do that but I’ve got better things to do than sit and wait around for an almost-nineteen year old boy to man up! I didn’t even know he was working until I read his Facebook wall today! HELLO! That is the kind of stuff I should be told, don’t you think? Okay, so I’m moving on. This is me moving on. Time to delete “I Just Call You Mine” (I fall apart and just a word from you somehow seems to fix whatever's wrong. You reach into the weakest moments and remind me that I'm strong. You gotta know I'd be a fool not to see or even worse to forget that you're more than I deserve) and replace it with “Used To” (We used to have this figured out. We used to breathe without a doubt. When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see. We used to have this under control. We never thought. We used to know. At least there's you, and at least there's me. Can we get this back? Can we get this back to how it used to be?) Perhaps it is a little disappointing and sad, but that’s how I’m feeling.

I guess we will see how he responds to this latest development. Probably just like every other guy I’ve used this “tried and true” trick on: they don’t even notice. I just want one guy to prove to me they’re not all the same. You’re just another silly boy.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I was always jealous of the kids who won first place in the Science Fair. They had come up with some great experiment or invention and tested their hypothesis. Reports were written, grades handed out, and someone walked around as proud as a peacock for the next week. I think those were the lucky kids; talented, brilliant, and the ones the rest of us kicked sand at. Okay, so maybe the sand kicking wasn’t the best idea, but did Hayley really need to cry when she got 99%? I was happy with 51%, for goodness sake! Perhaps it was because I could never come up with a good enough experiment. Granted, creativity in the science lab was never my strong suit (the chemicals blew up because they hated me; it had nothing to do with their properties!) but I like to think it was because my experiments were a little too mature for my age group. I’m going to stick with that story anyways!

What about men? How can we find out more about them in the least harmful environment? Is it possible to find out if every theory we already have in place is true? Surely they can’t all be that simple, can they? I have taken it upon myself to embark on a research project: online dating. Now don’t judge me just yet! The plan is to create myself a kick ass profile, meet some cool guys, and learn more about men in general from some good conversation. True, this isn’t going to be all roses. Men are disgusting pigs, but hopefully I can steer clear from those and connect with the more mature, independent fish. Honestly, I have no idea what to expect from this! I am hoping to find a friend or two, and it should help pass the time!

I wonder if those blue-ribbon kids have found a way to predict the future, accurately. I would like to know what’s going to happen with all of this! Then again, isn’t it true that life is a highway? Ah yes, time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Women are not difficult creatures to understand: text message us to say hi, tell us we look pretty, and buy us flowers. Is that so hard to do? I guess it is for some men and I have learned lately to play it cool when you are into a guy and not talk to him unless he initiates contact. Alright, this sounds simple enough.

I had not talked to T-Rex for three days as he was not initiating contact (and neither was I!). This morning when I got up, I checked my Blackberry as always and there were two messages from him.11:38pm – Good night my friend11:39pm – I hate not talked to you in a while.. So we gotta catch up

The first time I read the second text, I read “I hate not talking to you. We have to catch up.” Then I realized he probably meant that to say “I have not talked to you in a while”: two very different phrases! One letter can change the entire meaning of the phrase! I like the idea that he hates not talking to me. That’s sweet and something he would have said before the whole driving-three-hours-to-see-him-and-then-everything-changes-but-he-thinks-it-didn’t thing. That is the T-Rex I like; the one who was honest and blunt about things. He would say what he was thinking and feeling, but this T-Rex seems to forget I exist for a day or three. Not my forte, as the commercial would say! He should hate not talking to me. I’m fricken amazing so yeah! I hope all of his days suck ass when he’s not talking to me because I make them better.

Okay, so we have not talked in a while. I know! It’s up to him to make the moves now; I did more than my share driving up there and wearing my heart on my sleeve, again. Is this his way of saying that he misses me? I know that guys won’t say “mushy” stuff like that (although it is exactly what every girl wants to hear) but was that his point on telling me what I already knew? Was he reminding me? I know, I am over thinking this, but you would be to so don’t judge me!

If you keep reading, he says “we gotta catch up”. Catch up on what? It’s only been three days! What is so pressing that needs to be discussed this late? My bedtime for text messages is 11 and he knows that, so would he say we gotta catch up if it was something unimportant? Probably. I bet it has something to do with a girl. He needs to tell me that he’s found a girl before changing his relationship status on Facebook. That has to be it. Why else would he say we have to catch up? Did he miss me? Did he forget again that I am supposed to be his girl? Damn you T-Rex! Damn you for being so young and not getting what the hell is going on!

Alas, I did not get the messages until the morning and replied around 11 while I was working. (Alright, it was a coffee break. I am a good union employee!) I didn’t hear from him all day and our conversation this evening was nothing spectacular. He text messaged me “Word.” I wish I was witty and said something like “orange” or “asparagus” or “calendar”. There’s a “word” for you! I’m not that quick when it comes to thinking on my toes, and I was so excited it was him who has messaged me, I just said something mundane back. It was nice though, in a weird way, to know that he was back. I had won. Finally, that silver lining is coming through. Okay, so it was nothing major, but still! I flew under the radar for a couple of days, and then he’s back to talking to me.

If I can be completely honest with myself for just a minute, I would like to yell at myself. This should just take a second. DAMN YOU! Stop making up all of these crazy stories in your head! You know that you have to wait because it is not the right time and he’s told you he wants to be your friend. Be okay with that. Deal with it! Stop analyzing every word he says and trying to figure out if he says “I hate not talking to you” or “I have not talked to you”. He’s an eighteen year old boy who can’t spell! You know that so don’t pick apart his words. Be happy with what you have because it could be a whole lot worse. Don’t go scaring the boys away now.

Life lesson? I don’t think there is one in this. This is just another example of how the game must be played. True, I don’t have a clue what the rules are. I do know that I am winning.

Monday, August 17, 2009

I feel old today, which is odd because I’m not. Cooking, cleaning, and laundry have somehow all become a part of my daily routine. It’s not that I don’t like doing these things (Rachael Ray is my hero!) but sometimes it’s as though I am expected to do these things. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family more than anything and I would do anything for them, but lately I’ve felt old.

Recently, I’ve felt slightly stuck, in the sense of being so young and mature (according to my manager, fellow co-workers, and my parents) with so many responsibilities! I am busy working Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, and I am afraid that nothing in my life is ever going to change. I don’t want to be working in the same job I am in for the rest of my life. I love what I do, but sometimes I just feel so old and mature it is scary. I want to do things, change the world. I want to build wells in Africa, end world poverty, and cure cancer but I definitely can’t do these things at my current job. I know I can only ever dream of accomplishing these, although I wish I could help.

When I was getting ready to leave from my visit with T-Rex he asked if I was looking forward to going home. Well, obviously I did not want to leave, but I was also not in the least bit excited for work the next day! He had it so easy; he could get up when he wanted, spend the day doing whatever he wanted to do, and here I am, dreading work tomorrow because I am responsible. I guess maybe that was a part of the problem: I’ve been working since I was fifteen. From babysitting all summer long, to working every shift possible at a bakery, to my current job. I’ve never been anywhere and I don’t want to miss out on life. My friend asked me today how my weekend was and my reply? “I’m glad it’s over.” Puzzled, he inquired why I would say that. I told him how I didn’t have anything to look forward to and work simply passes the time. What a sad thing to say! Life has become so monotonous and such a routine. Honestly, every day is a carbon copy of the previous one and I don’t want to end up old and bitter like some of my co-workers.

It’s not like I’m seven anymore though either. Sometimes it just seems as though I need help with every day activities which I can do just fine on my own! I appreciate that my parents, mainly my dad, are trying to help out and that he has this feeling where he needs to be needed. That’s all fine and dandy; the problem arises when they do not understand that they have to let go! I do not need help doing my laundry. I can cook a damn fine meal. My car does not need to be washed every other week. If I want to stay up until 1:30 in the morning and get up at 6 the next day, I’m going to do just that! I am not seven anymore and I don’t know what it’s going to take for them to realize that.

Enough with the complaining; I should consider myself blessed that I have it so good! Perhaps it is time for that change; a break in the routine, even. Maybe I can venture outside of my comfort zone and think outside the box. Okay, maybe I’ll just think around the box for a while first.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I think I’m going to give up on the love songs. I’ve had it with the cheesy, sappy lyrics to further remind all of the lovebirds out there just how in-love they are. I don’t want to hear about it anymore! I want something with bass and electric guitar and some dude screaming about how his girlfriend cheated on him!

Okay, so maybe I am a little bitter, but I have a hard time believing that certain artists are telling the truth in their lyrics. Maybe it’s just me but I do have a couple of examples:

“I remember trying not to stare the night that I first met you, you had me mesmerized, And three weeks later, in the front porch light, taking 45 minutes to kiss goodnight. I hadn't told you yet, that I thought I loved you then.” Please tell me you are kidding!!

“And now you're my whole life, and now you're my whole world, And I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl.” Is anyone else in need of some Gravol??

Now don’t get me wrong: I absolutely love Brad Paisley! I think he is one of the most, if not the most, talented country music singers and musicians of our time. I am sure he honestly does feel this way about his wife and that is great! We should all be very happy for them. They have obviously found true love and that doesn’t come around often. That being said, for those of us single folk out there, this music makes me sick. I don’t want to hear about how happy you are; I don’t give a flying donkey. Do radio stations have to torture us with the same songs over and over again? It would be much different if the sappy song came on and then they played something like “Standing OutsideThe Fire” or “Before He Cheats”, but no. Instead, they decide to play the same songs that torture my poor heart over and over again! Sorry Brad, by I used to like this song before it went into overkill! More examples?

“Better than I was, more than I am and all of this happened by taking your hand and who I am now is who I wanted to be and now that we're together, I'm stronger than ever I'm happy and free.” Oh! Let me guess! It’s your love! Oh, yeah. Sure it is. Tim, we all know you just wanted to get laid that night!

I admit, I am bitter. I know that one day I will look back on all of these songs and say how beautiful they are as I choose my wedding song (which is “Making Memories Of Us" by Keith Urban, btw). For the meantime, can we please have a little variety on the radio and possibly some angry country songs? You know, Mamma is in jail and the train’s rolling in so you best be hauling in that cattle and grabbing your boots; it’s party time down on the farm.

Desperate, adj.1) Reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency;2) Having an urgent need, desire, etc.3) Leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous4) Extremely bad; intolerable or shocking5) Extreme or excessive6) Making a final, ultimate effort7) Actuated by a feeling of hopelessness 8) Having no hope; giving in to despair

I would advise anyone who plans on using this word to do so with extreme caution. If used improperly, unpredictable actions and attitudes may occur.

One of my friends, VWBug, I have known since I was seven. We were friends back then and throughout high school but recently we’ve been getting much closer. I’ve been hanging out with her more and more and we’re even planning a trip to Mexico! Mainly, we talk about boys. Why, you ask? Why not?!! They do consume most of our time whether we’re talking to them, dreaming about them, or analyzing their every move; there’s no denying it.

VWBug knows what is going on between T-Rex and I and the other night him and I were chatting on msn. I was trying to get answers to some of my questions, and I thought it best to bring up the past and how things had changed. I sent my conversation to her on Facebook so she could see what was going on. His answers kind of shocked me since he forgot all we had promised me before. (He had told he was thinking about me 24/7, going to take me on a date, cook me dinner, and he wanted to hear my Dad’s trucker stories. I kind of thought he liked me since every two seconds there would be a new text message from him! I have all of our text messages still on my phone (over two months worth) but it is a Blackberry and it keeps them forever. I have no reason to delete them; they are my proof that I am not crazy.) So I sent her our conversation and I was kind of expecting a comforting word or two, like a “you can do better than him”, “he’ll come around”, “he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on”, or something along those lines. She didn’t really say that and I had to get to sleep.

The next day she said that she something she needed to tell me but didn’t want me to “take it the wrong way”. Now I’m confused. Just wait! It gets better. She proceeds to tell me that my conversation came across as desperate to her. I didn’t really think much of it as it was time to get back to work. Maybe she was right, and I tried to see how it may have come across that way but she didn’t have the whole story.

Yesterday, I found out she had wrote a blog about my situation, in which she proceeds to tell the WORLD that she had asked five (count ‘em, FIVE) guys about my dilemma. Their response, to no surprise, was that I was a) lonely, b) horny, or c) unsatisfied. I’m sorry, but did I ask her to get advice on my behalf?!! VWBug knows me well enough to know that none of those are true! She is calling me desperate? This from the girl who has a new boy every two weeks! Excuse me? Obviously offended and hurt, I text messaged her about it and asked if she was saying I acted desperate because I was unsatisfied. She agreed and I thanked her for the insight. I was polite and pleasant and have yet to confront her on the issue; I was working and did not want to bring my personal life to the workplace. (That’s another blog!) I feel so betrayed by her and I did not want a “Dr. Phil” answer on my problem. I told her that in confidence and she had no right to go and ask her guy friends about it! I trusted her with that information and I cannot believe she would do something like this. Sure, maybe she didn’t see anything wrong with it. I know! Next time she has some relation-shit drama, I’ll go and ask T-Rex what he thinks! Yeah bitch, what do you think about that!

Me? Desperate? You have got to be kidding me. If I was desperate, I would out at the bars and clubs on a Saturday night like this, instead of at home blogging about my life. I do not need a man to be happy and she should know that. I haven’t had a boyfriend yet, and life is just fine without one. Proceed with caution: desperate is a hurtful word.

Alright, so it’s time for a light bulb moment! I can tell that you are just jumping out of your skin for this one! My best friend (or friend that has been there for me when I’ve really needed someone) this week has been the Joker! Wow, who saw this one coming? I haven’t posted anything on the Joker yet because he has been somewhat out of the picture lately, but I think after this crazy week, he deserves a gold star.

My cousin, Ryan*, is getting married in a couple of weeks and has been, well harassing, for lack of a better word, our family to convince us a) he’s a changed man and no longer a lying, stealing, crackhead, and b) since he is all changed and “clean” we should come to the wedding so we can buy him wedding presents and give him money (okay, so maybe he didn’t mention the presents/money part, but we know better). My uncle asked him the other week why he is getting married. Ryan answered that he is “in love”. What he failed to mention is that his girlfriend is six months pregnant. I don’t believe a word Ryan says, since he has lied to my parents many times and is eight years older than me so he wasn’t around much. Jail will do that to you, I guess. Now that he’s allegedly clean, he’s coming down to visit. Yippee. I’m happy on the inside. Not. He has been calling and we’ve been avoiding. Just because he’s left messages does not mean we’ve got them. It is very possible our answering machine has been broken for a couple weeks now. Maybe it’s mad at Ryan too! Caller ID is the best invention ever, and even if you block your number, we’re still not going to answer or call you back. Get a clue! We don’t want to talk to you!

Since Ryan failed to interpret these tell-tale signs, he was determined to meet with us for coffee. We had heard through the grapevine (thanks Opa!) that he was coming down on Tuesday and wanted to come over to our house for coffee. Ryan hadn’t even told us he was coming, or who was coming for that matter. Okay, so we never returned his calls. Big whoop! He could have said something about that in the message instead of just asking us to call him. Tuesday was truly a day from hell as I dreaded going home. I’m imagining the worst possible scenario (besides him showing up at my work): they’re parked on the driveway when I get home at five but mom and sis won’t be home until six-thirty. Luckily, that didn’t happen and we met them for coffee at Tim Hortons. (My uncle’s ex-girlfriend (LONG story) had suggested we meet them at her place instead but my mom persisted: “I don’t do warm and fuzzy with these people.”)

I don’t believe a word Ryan told us about being clean. His eyes were still bloodshot and he was wearing sunglasses when we got there. It was getting dark and the glasses were unnecessary. It was a “pleasant” visit, and short enough that we didn’t have to fake our niceness too much. The only thing Ryan wanted to know was if we were going to their wedding, but we continued to put off the question. I hated it. Every minute, having to sit there and pretend that I believed what he was saying. Honestly! I haven’t talked to him in about four months, and I haven’t seen him in eight years! But no, now that he is all clean, sober, changed, and in-love, he’s supposed to be a different man? I don’t buy it! I’m not that naive and after everything he’s put my family through, put this in your juice box and suck it!

Obviously dreading this night, I wanted to talk to someone about it but it seemed as though all of my friends had other plans. I don’t tell many people about my screwed up family because it’s none of their business. I had planned on talking to T-Rex about it and did somewhat, but he seemed pre-occupied when I tried bringing up the subject. Wise One has four kids and a husband home from Afghanistan, so I didn’t want to be bothering her with all of my family crazy. My other friend, VWBug, has no clue what my family is all about and it’s a long story. I didn’t want to catch her up on it all, and although I could have I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell her everything. That part is odd considering I’ve known her since I was eight, but I guess I didn’t trust her enough to tell her what was happening.

How does the Joker tie in to all of this? I work with him, and a while back I had a crush on him. Turns out, he didn’t feel the same, so we’re friends. From the outside (and inside too actually), you could say we have an odd relationship. We park beside each other every day in the parking lot furthest away from our building. (I have yet to figure out why we park here but we do. It’s weird.) Since the Joker and I work on the same floor and have the same hours, we walk out together every night. In a four minute walk, you can find out a lot about someone! At the beginning, I did most of the talking and he kept everything in. We are eight years apart and he’s a private person; it just so happens that I’m not. I had no problem opening up to him, but after a while I had to stop. I was telling him all sorts of information but not finding anything out about him which made me wonder why he wasn’t opening up yet. It’s taken some time, but I think we’re finally getting there.

On Monday, I mentioned to him about the coffee date from hell and he advised me to skip it. I told him that I couldn’t do that; family was involved. I gave off bits and pieces of information (I am getting very good at keeping the important information to myself: add mystery!) After work on Tuesday, he asked if I was ready (for the family). I told him that “my stomach is doing jumping jacks and somersaults!” He took that as a “no”. Luckily, he changed the subject but he asked me on Wednesday how it went. I told him we were fed a bunch of bullshit and that I couldn’t even look in Ryan’s eyes because they were full of lies.

Later that night, I text messaged T-Rex and told him how it had gone. He was “out and about” and said we could talk on msn the next day. I agreed but felt humiliated. Here he was, out with his friends, and I’m spilling my heart out and he can’t even talk. I know that he wouldn’t have had anything important to say back, but I wanted him to listen to me. He didn’t get how important this was to me and how badly I wanted him to say something nice to comfort me. This was a big event in my life that had brought a lot of drama lately and I wanted to share it with him.

Today I had my light bulb moment! After everything that had gone on, it was the Joker who truly listened. Okay, so I didn’t tell him everything about the family, but I did tell him enough. He didn’t have great advice or words of wisdom for me, and no, “skip it” is not great advice. None of that matters though. He was there for me. He remembered on Tuesday that they were coming that night, and then he asked me on Wednesday how it had gone. He listened to me. He, dare I say it, cared! His personality has done a complete 180 lately, but I am so glad and I can honestly say that he is my friend now. It’s about time!

Friday, August 14, 2009

I can feel a change coming. I’m not sure where it’s coming from or what is going to change. It may even just be that I need something to change. I’m not sure what is going on, but I had been feeling very content with everything that is going on. These past couple of days I’ve noticed that I have been telling my friends that I feel a change coming. I think this is God’s way of allowing me to grow by using my to show myself what I need. He’s absolutely right.

After completing the Alpha course, I was hit in the face with one disaster after another. Even while trying to grow closer to God during the course, I gave in to the devil and pushed God away. My affair with the world ended only with heartache and I continued to ignore God. Maybe it was one of those lessons where God allowed Satan to tempt me to show me how much I need Him. It took me a while to realize this, five months in fact. In the midst of all of my heartache and hurt, I even got baptized. I don’t regret my decision, but it was such a big moment in my life and I didn’t feel as on fire for God or as close to Him as I should have in that moment.

I don’t know why God is still chasing me. I’m a complete disaster and have disappointed Him in so many ways. I’ve let myself down and acted completely out of character but for some reason He keeps chasing after me. Maybe I should start running to Him instead of away from Him. It’s odd that this is happening again, because I’ve been down this road before. I have “God highs” where I am so close to Him and I feel like He is with me all day long. Suddenly, something happens and it’s almost as if I forget He exists. What a horrible thing to say, I know, but that is what seems to happen. Yet after all of that, He has not given up on me. He wants me all to Himself.

The week after our Alpha course ended, our group gathered for dinner at our leaders’ house. I can vividly remember one our friends say how encouraged he was to see my sister and I have hearts that were burning for God. He said that we weren’t typical teenagers, but mature young adults that understood the world. That was one moment that God used to continually encourage and challenge me. That is the fighting spirit I want back. I want everyone I meet to see that look in my eyes; peace, contentment, joy, and love.

Now is the time. I can feel it in my blood. It is my turn to develop that bond with God I need. I need Him. I cannot do this on my own and I don’t know why I tried yet again. I want that fire back in my heart that only God can provide. I’m going to follow His plans for my life and it’s time I give Him my whole heart. I’m ready to let go.

I was having coffee with my friend last night and we got into the most interesting conversation: men. Okay, so I know, it’s not that interesting, or unusual, especially for two twenty-something’s to talk about. This time, however, we came to a new angle on the topic. If we could tell the men in our lives exactly what it would take for them to make us their women, what would we tell them? It’s like we were telling them “these are the things we need from you and if you can do these, we’re all yours”. What would you tell them? What sort of things do you need from your man (or soon-to-be-man)? What does he have to do for you to make you happy?

I like to think that this is an easy topic! For me, the list would be quite simple. The problem lies in finding a man who can fulfill my to-do list. If/when I found a man who I thought had potential, I don’t believe I could truly sit down with them and list off what I needed from him, but it is a nice thought. This way, going into the relationship, he knows what is expected from him. As women, we like to think that the guy is already going to know what we want. I’m sure you know the bumper sticker “We are women. We do not tell you what we want, but reserve the right to be upset if we don’t get it.” Honestly, with that sort of philosophy, no wonder men are so confused! We really should be telling them what we want; how are they supposed to figure it out?

So my list would be quite simple. The first item relates to electronic communication (mainly text messaging). I would like my guy to text message me first. I think it is quite reasonable and a very sweet thing to do. The message can be as simple as “hello” but a “good morning sunshine” is always appreciated. Girls should not have to text message a guy first, and if a guy text messages me first it is automatically a brownie point!

The second item would probably be slightly more expensive, but I am worth every penny. Flowers mean the world to me! Tulips, lilies, roses, or daisies; it does not matter! A pretty bouquet of anything, delivered to my work with a cute note and I’d melt. It really doesn’t have to be a big bouquet; it’s the thought that he cares enough to spend the time and money to pick out the perfect ones. It’s all about the gesture!

I think one other action would make me extremely happy. Any guy who would take the time to make a mix cd of all of his favourite songs (which obviously remind him of me!) would make me melt. That would probably have to be one of the sweetest things any guy can do, especially if he is trying to win you over. I don’t think I would inform Mr. Right to make me a mix cd, but I think that if he did, I would know he would be Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now).

Women are not complicated! We want to feel wanted by men and if they fail to make us feel loved, we can find something else to occupy our minds and time. Really, we don’t need men to make us happy. They should feel privileged we allow them into our lives because we can do just fine without them. Since we are crazy about them, a little guidance about how we deserve to be treated might help keep them around. The Wise One always said “Men = Food, Girl, Sex, Fight, and Sports”. Let’s try to keep it simple for them!

I am a woman. I am not a bobble head doll. I do not like to be treated as one either. As a young grasshopper, I am simply trying to make my way through this messed up world the best that I can. The only problem is when I begin to be treated as a toy; that’s when things get interesting.

My new boy, T-Rex, is currently visiting his hometown. Since I have left his house, three hours away, on Tuesday he has not text messaged me first.In fact, I have not heard anything from him all of yesterday and not one message from him today yet. Now please let me get this out before you make an opinion on my situation. T-Rex had been text messaging me first for the past month and a half and usually by 11 in the morning I would have a message from him. He even took a trip with some friends a couple of weeks ago. While he was gone, I continued to receive messages from him (Facebook or text messages, but nevertheless, a message). Now that we have met, and he is away from home again, it is as though I have disappeared. I’m still here buddy!

What he does not know, as a man, is how he is hurting my feelings by not talking to me. While he was gone a couple of weeks ago, he made time for me; he wanted to talk to me and ran up his cell bill doing so. Now, he has just become too busy, I presume, to send me a simple text message to say hello. I’m sorry for asking, but where did I go wrong? Somewhere between in all of the between liking you and being myself while I was with you, I must have made a large mistake.

Wait! No, I didn’t! I didn’t do anything wrong! So why do I have to keep telling myself that I didn’t do anything wrong? I have put so much emphasis on how one guy talks to me, it has become ridiculous! I am my own person and do not need his approval. If he finds time is his suddenly super-busy schedule to text me so I know he is thinking about me, so be it. Until then, he is acting like a complete jerk. I don’t care how many people he is catching up with back home. For all I know, he’s getting laid! Maybe he is; that would be the perfect ending to this story. I drive three hours to meet him where I decide that I do like him, but by the time I’ve come home, I’m just another chick. NO! I didn’t go anywhere! I am still here with my phone six inches away from me like I have been all along!

I did not do anything wrong and I do not need his approval. I don’t know what has changed, if anything. He told me that my trip didn’t change anything. Really now? How can I believe that when you have become too busy to say hello? Something must have changed on my trip or this wouldn’t be happening right now. Would you mind filling me in on what you are thinking so I don’t feel so completely alienated right now? After everything I’ve told him about all of the other losers in my life, I don’t know why he is becoming one. I don’t need this and I’m not going to stand for it. The opposite is true: I’m going to stand up for what I deserve.

This form of whiplash is very hard on us women. Honestly, my neck has start to hurt and my chiropractic bills are piling up! We are not a toy and do not deserve to be treated as such. Men, all you need to do is show us that you’re thinking about us. A simple “Hello” will suffice. We’re not asking for much here; simply, a little electronic affection.

I guess you would be fair to say I haven’t had much luck with men. That would be completely justified, and I would not even bother arguing with you about that blatant truth. I’ve never been in a relationship, on a date, or felt wanted by a man. I know what I am looking for, and it’s not like my expectations are extremely high. I want an honest, sweet, caring, nice guy who would come over in the middle of the night and dry my tears. Someone to text me each morning, hold me during a movie, and send flowers to my work. It really does not take much to make me happy but it seems that this guy I am looking for does not exist.

My best friend, Athena, has decided to set me up with her younger brother. Oh goody. This ought to be fun! When I first heard about the plan, well, let’s just say I was less than thrilled. She had told me I was going to marry T-Rex, and have babies with him. What would you be thinking? “Oh shit. She thinks I’m so desperate I need her to set me up with her brother! This can’t be good.” Well, that’s what I was thinking! Although excited to meet this new boy, that was the problem. I had to meet this new boy, with an emphasis on meet! I do not do well with meeting new people. I am a very quiet person at first and I do not open up to my outlandish self until I feel very comfortable around them. Obviously, I thought she was crazy but I played along with her plan mindlessly because I knew it made her happy thinking she was this great matchmaker, although I had yet to speak to him!

One evening, June 19th in fact, I had a “friend suggestion” on Facebook. I stopped to look at who it was because it was very rare that I get friend request/suggestions! I was curious. Athena had suggested to T-Rex and I that we become Facebook friends. How cute! (Try to keep your lunch down; I know it’s tough.) Immediately, I sent her a message asking if she was feeling alright! I left my computer and went back to visiting with my family outside. I had my phone beside me so when she decided to reply I would get a text message from her. After an hour with no reply, I went back on Facebook and found a friend request! To my amazement, he too had heard the same fortune telling from Athena and we started talking immediately. Before long, we were text messaging and became electronically inseparable. (This is beginning to sound awfully familiar!)Every little thing he did made me smile. We talked about all of our problems and he would always be there to listen, no matter how silly, stressful, or seemingly stupid my conversation topics seemed. He would text me first, usually by 11:00 a.m. when I went for my coffee break and as I was leaving work at 5:00, I would get another message asking how my day went. That is by far, the quickest way to my heart! We would talk for hours on end about anything and he was always so sweet and nice to me. He told me when he that when he came to visit (He is going to school three hours away, but his sister lives thirty minutes from my house and has an open door policy when it comes to him!), he was going to cook dinner for me. We were going to go out on an official date, and he was going to teach me how to shotgun a drink. Although the latter of these frightened me quite a bit, I began to conclude that he did, in fact, like me. This put me on cloud nine! A nice, sweet boy that likes me! Jackpot!

I started telling him about my passion for writing and he asked me to write something about him. This 18 year old boy, who I have never met but will one day date, would like me to write something about him. I was awestruck, first of all, that he wanted me to write something and also stumped because I had no idea what I wanted to tell him in my blog post. I was also unsure of where I stood with him, so I decided to play it safe; I went with the “best friend” card. I sent it to him let him read it. He told me that he didn’t know I felt that way about it and it gave him butterflies. T-Rex told me that he was going to read it whenever he was having a bad day to make him feel better. The next day he told me that he wished he could write something to make me smile like I had made him. I proceeded to tell him that “anything you write for me will make me smile”. Later that day, I got a Facebook message that put the biggest smile on my face! He called me his best friend and said he felt comfortable around me. “I know I feel that I can tell her anything and she won’t judge me. I think she feels the same way about me. But I have been there for her when she’s has been going through her problems and she has be there for me. I know every time I get a text message from her there is always a little grin or smile that goes on my face, no matter what mood I am in.” He proceeded to ask me if that made me smile, and I told him “It’s perfect!” So that’s where we stood: best friends. I knew that I had to go and visit him to see if we had as much chemistry as we seemed to and figure out if we were going anywhere.

A couple weeks later, I drove three hours by myself to meet him. When I was there, he acted as if I was his best friend. He treated me with the utmost respect and never crossed a line. We didn’t talk about it, but I kind of wanted that line to be crossed. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to try to make this work, but knew it wasn’t the right time for us. Just for a mille-second, I wanted to cross the friend line and jump right back over again! I wanted him to hold my hand, cuddle with me, and maybe try to kiss me! I got three hugs, and a “Thanks for coming up” as I was leaving. Slightly disappointed, I bawled on my drive home. I was expecting this great realization or event when I was up there but instead I got three hugs. I guess my safe “best friends” card got in the way. Granted it was the first time we met, and I’m guessing he wanted to keep that card in play. I just wanted to feel wanted by him when I was there and I thought that was going to happen.

My trip didn’t go exactly how I had planned. For instance, when you call another girl to meet you and your friend-who-just-drove-three-hours-to-meet-you-for-the-first-time, somebody is going to be upset! It’s probably going to be the one who drove to meet you. I wanted to spend every waking minute with him, not him and some other chick. What does that make me? Chick 2? Chick 14? Chick 119,923? Where do I stand? Why do you have to call someone else to come and join us? Aren’t we having fun? Do you still want me to be here or would you rather I get in my car and leave you an hour from home? Luckily, I didn’t leave him. Instead, I text messaged his sister, who in turns begins text messaging T-Rex who found the entire scenario extremely funny. Really? He was getting great enjoyment of the insane amount of text messages he was happily ignoring. Meanwhile, I’m sitting there swearing like a sailor to his sister! Great fun it was not.

It is very difficult to have electronic relationships with people. Please, avoid it at all costs! I have had one too many, and that was part of the reason I felt I had to go and meet him. I want to be, at the very least his friend, and it is challenging to do that when you are three hours apart and both very busy people. We had a blast while I was there and wouldn’t change a thing about what happened, even though my great event didn’t take place.

When I got home, I asked him if we were going anywhere or were better as friends. He told me that a) he didn’t want me to be mad because I was “nice and everything”; b) the distance would be really challenging and he was going to be very busy in the fall; and c) he wanted to keep talking to me and hoped we could still be friends. He said that the trip didn’t change anything. Wow. That is a lot to take in all at once! Even from that, I still don’t know how he feels! Does that mean he wants to make it work but knows the distance is too much? Is that an “it’s not you, it’s me, but it’s really you”? Am I not what he expected to meet? I was myself the entire time. What did I do wrong? I know that we are too far apart to make this work right now, but I wanted him to tell me that! Still, after talking about this with the Wise One, I believe he does still like me. Do you think I’m crazy after all of this to believe that? His sister and I are going to give him the benefit of the doubt: he is only 18 and the friend thing probably got in the way. Wise One is still convinced we will be married. I guess we shall see!

Since coming home, things have seemed to change. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday I have text messaged T-Rex first and yesterday I did not text him at all, but I didn’t get a text from him either. I do know that he isn’t home now either; he is visiting his friends in his hometown. Once again, the benefit of the doubt! He will be stopping by to visit his sister tomorrow on his way home. I told him that since he will be going through my town, he could always stop by if he wanted. I’ll be home! He said he would see how it goes, so I will wait.

A sweet, nice, caring guy is at my fingertips. Now I just have to find a way to make him mine. This should be an interesting journey!

January. The month from hell. I don’t know if anything good can truly begin in January. Maybe it can, and I just don’t know it yet, other than births and weddings, of course. Those types of celebrations can happen any time of the year, and they are always pleasant. It was January when I first met M&M. I don’t remember it as vividly as I should, but I can still feel the dislike inside I had for him when we first met. Looking back, that should have been a clear sign; there is just something about that gut instinct that I don’t want to follow! My sister, Bestie, and I had decided to join a course through our church. It was one of those things you hear about and think “Pfft, I don’t need that! I’ve got it all under control” until, inevitably, your world is turned upside down and you’re left with no choice, but to follow that stupid gut instinct and join. So, that’s what we did. M&M had joined with his friend Jann and the four of us happened to be in the same group.

Over time, we slowly started talking to them more and more, and in February, (another fabulous month. Not!) our group went away for a weekend retreat. The four of us were inseparable! M&M had a very cool car, (but don’t tell him that I told you) and on Saturday we had some free time. Being the “rebels” we are, M&M took us into town for some ice cream and the bonding began. Who doesn’t love hot fudge sundaes? The way through a girl’s heart, is always full of chocolate goodness! And the ice cream is, well, heaven. We spent a half hour really starting to get to know one another, and there was something about him that made me feel really comfortable. When we left, hugs all around of course, and the one promise we all made was to add one another on Facebook. Don’t laugh too hard yet; this is the 21st century, and social networking is a way of life. It’s not an option of “Do you have Facebook or not?”; now the question is “How many friends do you have? Why do you NOT have Facebook?” (Or Twitter, MySpace, etc). That is exactly what we did when Bestie and I got home, and within a couple of hours, we were all friends. Yippeee!

Now, of course, Facebook has included this I-will-work-when-I-want-to-work chat application, that is very frustrating! One Sunday, in my complete boredom, I decided to go online, just for kicks, and my new buddy M&M was online. I instant messaged him, and much to my surprise, he replied! We talked for over two hours (well, twenty minutes before switching to the much more reliable MSN) about anything and everything. I even had to stop and make dinner, and came back and we talked for another three hours. Soon, cell phone numbers were exchanged and we became electronically inseparable. Over the next few weeks, we became best friends. Every day while I was working, he would be text messaging me during my breaks, and asking how my day was. We would log in to MSN and talk during the hockey games were on, and each night he was the last person I said goodnight to. We talked every night and I slowly began to trust him with a lot of personal information.

I remember the first night he called us best friends. We had become really close, and he called me his “best friend” one night on msn after a month or so. Talking to M&M made me feel on top of the world! He knew everything there was to know about me, and after being let down so many times by these alleged “best friends”, I was very hesitant to use that word with him. He told me he cared about me, and I knew that I cared about him. I felt as thought I had finally let my guard down, and I was free again to finally allow another person be called my best friend. That alone, was a very big step for me, but I knew that he and I could get through anything together.

He and I talked about everything together! The weather, favourite sports teams, family issues, money issues, relationship issues, past vacations, future plans, and even marriage. We even agreed that if both of us were still single in ten years we would marry one another. Save the date June 1, 2019, which happens to be a Saturday! He would text me about anything and was always there with a comforting word of advice.

Somewhere along the way, M&M stopped replying to my text messages. I would log into MSN, and send him a message with no response. I tried for a week to get something out of him, with no success. One afternoon, we talked on MSN for a short time, but he seemed different. Even when I asked him about it, he told me he was fine. I felt very odd leaving it like that, especially when my head was telling me he wasn’t alright or even close to it. The following week, I didn’t try to contact him. He didn’t contact me either. Tell me why, why, haven’t I, haven’t I, heard from you?! Why haven’t I heard from you?! Tell me why, why... (So, you get my drift or do I need to belt out the rest of Reba’s classic hit?) I think what hurt even more was when I found out that he wasn’t trying to get a hold of me. We had a few brief conversations after that. Please note the word “brief”. It is there for a reason. Our conversations were something like “hey” “hi” “How’s it going?” “Good. I got to run. Talk to you later” “K Bye”. See? BRIEF! After a couple of those half-hearted conversations with my heart the only one on the line, I gave up on talking to him. Hurt suddenly became anger, and hatred. I talked to my girlfriends about it and they helped me realized what was going on. I didn’t want to believe it, but there was no other way to move on. They showed me that he never felt the way about me he told me that he did. Maybe he did, truly care about me for a while, but then not. Is that possible? If you do care about me, prove it. If not, stop leading me on. I guess that’s exactly what M&M did. He began chasing his ex-girlfriend around again, and stopped thinking about me. I guess he forgot I existed. Now think about that for a minute. How can your best friend forget you exist? It’s like one day, he’s talking to me like normal, and the next minute, I’ve just fallen off of the face of the Earth? I’m glad to know I meant so much to him.

After M&M and I stopped talking, I broke down. I still do, in fact. I think somewhere along the way, I realized that I would’ve done anything for him. I don’t know how to explain it other than love. I think I loved him. It really shouldn’t be all that surprising to me, but it was, is, even. Once I admitted to myself that I loved him, I realized he didn’t even care about me. Oh, I know. He said that he did, so that means he must have, right? The boy won’t even reply to my text messages! Like I said, this is the 21st Century! You have to reply! Maybe he did care about me for a little while, but I guess he stopped?

Every day I still think about him. Why shouldn’t I? We’ve only been ex-best friends for a month now, so it is very fresh. The sad thing is that I took him off of my Facebook account, and removed him from my MSN and he hasn’t mentioned it. In fact, the only time he has talked to me is when I asked if we could go for coffee to talk. He said, and I quote because this is too good, “possibly, what’s up?” I’d like to relish in this for just a moment if I may. POSSIBLY! Wow M&M, I am so satisfied to know that you “possibly” have some spare time for me one day. Possibly is not an answer. It is more like “I don’t really want to, but if I have nothing better to fill my time with, I guess it wouldn’t be so bad. I’ll put you on my list of people to call, but you have to go at the very bottom.” I told him I wanted to “chit-chat” because I didn’t want to get into it through text messaging and he said maybe this week. I think that was code for “in your dreams!” but I guess we’ll see how much I mean to him besides nothing. If he wants to make this better, he will. Only time will tell and his actions will speak louder than anything he says.

FRIEND: A person who would never intentionally hurt you, lie to you, deceive you, manipulate you, abuse you and who takes great care to be kind to you, honest with you, dependable and loyal. Someone who you trust without question because they have never given you any reason not to trust them. Someone you enjoy being around and look forward to seeing. Someone who would sacrifice themself for you. This person is very hard to find. When you do, don't let them get away.

About Me

As a twenty-something city girl trying to find her place in the world, each day allows a chance for self-discovery. No, I haven't a clue who I am or what I want in life. I do know that I love this road.

Currently

excited Friday!
worried life plans in general
readingBreaking Dawn - Stephanie Meyer
loving hour and a half workouts at 6am
hating McDondals
wondering what next?
hoping it will work out
craving passion.
wishing it would be FRIDAY
watching Glee
listening I Promise You - Johnny Reid

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Food For Thought

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable - C.S. Lewis

Copyright

All blog posts, unless otherwise specified, is original content written and created by me. I do not take credit for any images displayed on the page and I will give credit where credit is due. If you have any questions, or would like to take some content, please contact me first.