(In the rooms next door, Joey, Rachel, Ross and Charlie stop kissing and try to understand what the yelling was about. After a while they continue kissing. We’re back in Chandler and Monica’s room. Monica has some of her own hair stuffed in her mouth by Chandler.)

Monica : (muffled) Thank you.

Opening Cridits

[Scene: Rachel and Joey’s]

Rachel : Hey, you know, before you said that nothing could happen between us? What changed?

Joey : Well, I only said that because of Ross, you know. Then I saw him kissing Charlie…

Rachel : What? Ross and Charlie? (Joey nods) Wow! She’s really making her way through the group, huh? Ah, who am I to talk?

(Chandler and Monica’s)

Monica : I can’t believe this. Rachel and Joey?

Chandler : How about the dinosaur twins in the other room? No-one is manning that wall!

Monica : I’m on it!

Chandler : Anything?

Monica : I think I hear curtains closing…

Phoebe : We’ve got shoes being kicked off over here.

Monica : Bedsprings, unmistakable!

Chandler : You do realise that’s your brother?

Monica : Not until you said it. Somebody switch! (Chandler makes a clicking sound with his fingers and Phoebe runs to the other wall. Monica returns to Chandlers wall.) Wait a minute… Ross and Charlie, Joey and Rachel, Phoebe and Mike! We’re the only people leaving with the same person we came with.

Chandler : That’s not true. I came with Monica and I’m leaving with Weird Al.

Monica : Okay, I’ve had it with the hair jokes. Tomorrow morning, before we leave, I’m going to the salon.

Charlie : Ooh… Is it because of what might be on the bedspread, because I saw that news report too, with the infrared and the … I could just…

Ross : No, NO! (they’re moving to the side of the bed, where they sit down) Look, I need to talk to Joey. I mean, you guys just broke up. Before anything more happens between us, I need to know he’s okay with it.

Charlie : I uhm… I completely understand.

Ross : Alright, I’m gonna go find him… (twitches a bit, looks down) I just need a… need a before I can… you know. (gestures standing up… they sit and wait for a while) Grandma… grandma… grandma… (he tries to concentrate…) Okay, I see you later.

Charlie : Okay…

(Chandler and Monica’s, all three of them are listening at the wall to Ross and Charlie’s)

Phoebe : That’s the door. He’s gone…

Chandler : And she’s… turning on the TV… and watching… Miss Congeniality!

Monica : (also hugs the wall) Yeah, we had a great time, thank you! (walks to Phoebe)

Chandler : (caresses the wall with his finger) Bye!

Ross : Okay, uhm… Hey, you guys seen Joey anywhere?

Chandler : He’s probably in his room with his current girlfriend Charlie. That’s the situation as we know it… (walks to Phoebe and Monica)

Ross : Well, if you see him could you please tell him I’m looking for him?

Chandler : You got it!

Ross : Thanks! (walks out of the room and starts hugging the wall) Thank you! (closes the door)

Monica : Other wall, people! Other wall!

(they rush to the wall to Rachel and Joey’s, and we move to that room)

Ross : (knocks on door) Rach, you there? (Joey and Rachel both get up from the bed)

Joey : Oh my God, it’s Ross. What are we gonna do?

Rachel : Oh, ju-ju-just stay calm. Just be calm. For all he knows we’re just hanging out together. Right? Just be nonchalant. (Joey like stands at attention with his chest forward and his hands on his sides, looking up at the ceiling with his lips pouted.) That’s not nonchalant!

Joey : No idea what it means.

Rachel : Oh… okay, just hide!

Ross : (knocks) Rach?

Rachel : Coming! Try under the bed, try under the bed!

(When Rachel starts to look under the bed if Joey would fit under there, Chandler opens the door inbetween the rooms, grabs Joey by his shirt and drags him to his room, and closes the door again)

Rachel : There’s no room under the bed. (looks around because she can’t find Joey anymore)

Ross : Is everything okay?

Rachel : Yeah… (still looking to see where Joey went, and opens the door)

Ross : Hey.

Rachel : Hi…

Ross : You know where Joey is?

Rachel : …I really don’t… (looks around again)

Ross : Can I talk to you for a minute?

Rachel : Yeah, sure… (looks outside into the corridor if Joey is there)

(Monica and Chandler’s room. Phoebe, Monica and Chandler have their ears pressed against the wall, and Joey looks at them)

Joey : I don’t believe this… Have you guys been…

Phoebe : Shhh… This is the listening side of the wall.

(Now Joey also wants to listen, and wants to press his ears against the door, which has a big mirror on it, he hesitates seeing himself in the mirror, but still puts his ear against it. We move again to Rachel’s room.)

Ross : And then she told me that she and Joey had broken up, and that part of the reason was that she had feelings for me.

Rachel : (clearly not listening and still trying to find out where Joey went) Uh-huh… right… yeah…

Ross : And you know I wanted to ask Charlie out since the day I met her.

Joey : It’s okay. You know, I totally understand, alright? You guys, make way more sense than her and I ever did, you know. And… I want you to be happy.

Ross : Are you serious?

Joey : Yeah… Now I have something…

Ross : I am speachless… I mean the fact that you would put my happiness first like that. I mean, you’re an incredible friend, you know that?

Joey : Oh… uh… look… before you…

Ross : No, I mean it. You are so loyal man, and selfless, and generous…

Joey : I am those things, yeah.

Ross : You know what? I know Chandler longer, so I always think of him as my best friend, but now… I may have to rethink some stuff…

Joey : Dude!

Ross : Hey, if there is ever, anything I can do for you…

Joey : I can’t think of anything.

(They both hug, and Rachel, who was in the back of the plane, sees this and smiles.)

Ross : Thanks!

Joey : Yeah.

(Ross walks to the back of the plane, where Rachel is.)

Rachel : So hi!

Ross : Hi!

Rachel : So you eh, you talked to Joey?

Ross : Ah, yeah. We had a really good talk.

Rachel : Oh! That’s great!

Ross : Yeah!

Rachel : Oh, so everything’s okay?

Ross : Oh, no, it’s great. It’s great. He is… He is an amazing guy.

Rachel : Ah… Well, obviously I think so too.

Ross : Well, I’m so excited about this.

Rachel : Really? Excited?

Ross : Are you kidding? I have had some very dirty dreams about this…

Rachel : Excuse me! (and she walks back to Joey, who is still looking very impressed about what Ross said to him. Rachel looks at him and hits him.) You didn’t tell him, did you?

Joey : I couldn’t. He was saying all these really nice things about me. I didn’t want him to get mad and take ’em all back. I’m on a edge on Chandler.

Rachel : Oh God! Alright, fine. You know what Joey, forget it. When we go back to New York, I will tell him.

Joey : Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that.

(Chandler walks by and Joey lets out an evil “muhahaho”.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Mike’s apartment. Phoebe’s there and the phone rings.]

Phoebe : Hi, Mike’s place.

Mike : Hey, it’s Mike.

Phoebe : Ooh, that was fast.

Mike : Oh, err… no, she’s not here yet. You know, I think I’m just gonna take off and break up with her over the phone…

Phoebe : Yeah, you can’t do that! Oh, come on Mike, strap on a pair. Why don’t you just tell her that we got back together. You know, women appreciate honesty. We also appreciate gentle spanking once in a while. Just F.Y.I.

Mike : One more thing… There… might be a picture of Precious on my coffee table.

Phoebe : Her name is Precious? Is she a purebreed or did you pick her up at the pound?

Mike : Anyway, I just wanna give you a heads up.

Phoebe : Okay, oh and you know, if she gets upset, just scratch her tummy and give her a liver snout. (laughs and hangs up the phone)

(there’s knocking on the door which Phoebe opens)

Precious : Hi, I’m Precious, who are you?

Phoebe : (stunned) I… I’m Phoebe.

Precious : Phoebe? Mike’s ex-girlfriend Phoebe, the love of his life? That Phoebe?

Monica : Oh, I can’t wait for everyone at work to see these… (plays with her hair to make the shells tingle again) Ow!

Chandler : You go back to work tomorrow night, right?

Monica : Yeah!

Chandler : So if you want people to see them, then by definition you’re not having them taken out… say, at the break of dawn?

Monica : Well, if I had them taken out, then I wouldn’t be able to do this. (she pushes Chandler on the couch and brushes her hair and shells against Chandler’s chest) You like that, right? (again, she brushes her hair against his chest and hums…)

Chandler : What are you singing?

Monica : It’s “Bolero” from “10”.

Chandler : It’s “Ride of the Valkyries” from “Apocalypse Now”… See, here’s the thing: The corn rows were really a solution to your frizzy hair problem. And now that we’re home, we don’t have that problem anymore, so if you think about it… I hate them!

Monica : You what? You said you liked them.

Chandler : Did I? Let’s refresh. I believe what I said was that I could see your scalp.

Monica : Fine, so you don’t like them. Everybody else does.

Chandler : Again, let’s journey back… As I recall what Rachel said, was she had never notice the shape of your skull before. And Joey… Well, Joey didn’t realise that there was anything different.

Monica : You know what? I don’t care. I like it like this, and I’m gonna keep it. You’re just jealous because your hair can’t do this… (and she shakes her head more violently) OUCH!

Chandler : Hit yourself in the tooth?

Monica : And the eye!

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Someone’s knocking on the door. Ross rushes to the door and it’s Rachel with Emma.]

Ross : (gasps) Hi… There she is. Hi Emma. Oh my God, I missed you. (kisses her) Oh Emma, I missed you so much. Hey… Did you have a good time with grandma Green? Huh? Did she give you a bottle of anti-depressants again to use as a rattle? (to Rachel)

Rachel : That was one time, Ross, and they were only like 5 milligrams.

Ross : Ooh hey, Emma, daddy has some presents for you okay? Okay? I want you to wait right here. Come here sweetie.

Rachel : Aaah… Ross, actually there’s something that I really need to talk to you about.

Ross : (unpacking his bag) Okay, shoot!

Rachel : Okay, uhm… alright, here’s the deal.

Ross : (gasps) OH NO!

Rachel : What? What is it?

Ross : Oh, major shampoo explosion!

Rachel : Uh, look Ross, this really isn’t easy.

Ross : Oh, it’s all over everything. Why? Why me? (looks up)

Rachel : Because you took three hundred bottles of shampoo?

Ross : I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You were saying?

Rachel : Well, yeah… Okay, look it’s about me and…

Ross : Oh, not another one! Oh my G… And this is moisturiser. It’s even harder to clean! Why? Why do bad things happen to good people?

Rachel : Wow! Well, clearly this is not a good time.

Ross : Duh, you think? (enters the kitchen)

[Scene: Mike’s place. Phoebe is on the phone.]

Phoebe : Okay, bye. Alright, so Mike’s on his way over. See, you thought you guys were meeting here, and he thought you were meeting at the restaurant, so you know… Doesn’t really matter who’s right or wrong. Point is… I’m gonna take off.

Precious : I’m not letting you leave until you tell me what’s going on here. I mean, are you guys getting back together or something?

Phoebe : Alright… Susie, can I call you Susie?

Precious : My name is Precious.

Phoebe : Yeah, I can’t say that. uhm… Susie, I’m gonna be straight with you… Mike and I are back together… and uhm… unfortunately that effectively ends your relationship with him. And he’s very sorry about that and wishes you the best of luck in all your endeavours.

Precious : I just can’t believe this… Why?

Phoebe : Well, I don’t…

Precious : Oh, why would he do this? I mean, what’s wrong with me?

Phoebe : Nothing, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Precious : I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do now?

Phoebe : Damn it woman, pull yourself together! Have some pride, for the love of God.

(Precious starts crying)

Phoebe : Okay, not a fan of the tough love.

Precious : I just can’t believe that Mike didn’t give me any warning.

Phoebe : But he didn’t really know, you know. He wasn’t planning on coming to Barbados and proposing to me…

Precious : He proposed to you? This is the worst birthday ever. (she starts to cry again)

Phoebe : Look, Precious… Mike’s not worth this. You’re an attractive, intelligent woman and let’s face it, Mike’s kind of a wang. I mean, he proposed to me while he was still seeing you… He was gonna break-up with you on your birthday? And, I don’t like to kiss-and-tell, but he cheated on you a lot this weekend.

Precious : Screw you, Mike. You’re a coward and a bastard, and I hope you rot in hell.

(she slaps him in the face, Mike looks like he doesn’t believe what just happened. Precious leaves, and he turns to Phoebe.)

Phoebe : You’re welcome!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Only Chandler is in the living room and walks to the bathroom.]

Chandler : Honey, you’ve been in there for a long time… Is everything okay?

Monica : Not really.

(Chandler enters the bathroom, and Monica is standing there in a towel, with her hair stuck in the shower curtain.)

Monica : I have a problem.

Chandler : Really? What happened?

Monica : Well, I was dancing around, and singing “No Woman, No Cry” and I got stuck.

Chandler : You can’t move at all?

Monica : Oh, well, I can move… (she moves back and forth the shower curtain rail, opening and closing the shower curtain with her hair as she goes)

Chandler : If I untangle you, will you please get rid of the corn rows?

Monica : (looking disappointed) I guess so…

Chandler : (trying to untangle her) Some of these look a little frayed.

Monica : Yeah, I tried to gnaw myself free.

[Scene: Rachel and Joey’s apartment. Joey enters.]

Joey : Hey!

Rachel : Hi!

Joey : So, did you err… did you tell Ross?

Rachel : Well, I tried, but then he had a shampoo related emergency. So I guess now it’s your turn again.

Joey : No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no… I think it’s better if you tell him, you know. It’s easier for a woman. That way, you know, if he gets mad, all you have to do is go… I didn’t mean it. I’m so so–ooory. (he pushes his breasts together from the side)

Rachel : Okay, that sounds fair. It just means that once again we can’t…

Joey : I know, I know…, but that’s okay. I mean, we can control ourselves, we’re not animals.

Rachel : No! Of course we can wait. Alright, so I guess that means good night then?

Joey : Yeah! Good night! (they give each other a small kiss on the mouth, and stare at each other for a while)

Rachel : Goo–ood night!

Joey : Good night! (they give each other a kiss again, but this time it lasts longer)

Rachel : Seriously, good night!

Joey : Stop saying good night.

Rachel : Okay.

(Now they kiss passionately… and then Ross enters with Emma. They freeze, pull away and look at Ross who looks like he just can’t believe what he’s seeing. Joey straightens his shirt, and Rachel says I’m so-oo sorry, and presses her breasts together, just like Joey did before.)

Closing credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Monica walks in with one of those knitted Rasta hats.]

Monica : Look what I found in the drawer… (Chandler looks up from his book.) And you said I’d never wear this…

Chandler : Now that I untangled you, how ’bout you doing a little something for me?