Author. Walker. Badass.

You might be surprised at this information, but I see a massage therapist. Yup. This Fat Girl gets naked every week to get her rolls massaged and all the stress worked out. It really does make a difference in my mood and my migraines. If you have never tried one, you really should. I have been seeing my massage therapist for over ten years and she knows my body well and where are my areas of stress. Just once have I cheated on her by seeing another therapist while on vacation. And that one time convinced me I was currently starring in a secret porn video.

Sometimes, when you are on vacation, you just want to really relax. That is what I had in mind when I booked a massage, even though I was weirded out by someone other than my regular massage therapist putting their hands on my fat rolls. I mean, she has done my massages forever so I am super used to the way she does them. And plus, she knows my knots and areas of tension. But, I really wanted to relax so I thought I would give this whole spa thing a try on my vacation. Everyone always raves about how awesome it is to do a spa thing. I wonder if they ever had my experience. I was at least comforted by the fact that my massage therapist was a woman (although to be honest it really does not matter to me). I started out with a sea salt scrub and that was quite messy. Would have been nice if they had told me to put my hair up while they were doing it as I felt a little like it got everywhere. But my skin did feel amazing afeter the scrub. So soft. I was anticipating the massage to be just as relaxing. I was told to shower the scrub off and get back on the table. This is where the massage started to feel a bit like a secret porn video.

After I situtuated myself back on the table, the massage started. The massage therapist opened up the oil bottle and proceeded to pour what felt like the entire bottle on my back. No joke. I have never felt so oily in my entire life. I could feel the oil filling in all the fat roll spaces, creating little puddles where I didn’t think oil could pool. I was so greasy that when she started to massage me I could only feel her hands sliding all along the rolls. I was actually scared her hands might slip into places that no massage therapist should enter because I was that slippery. As she moved on, she proceeded to pour more oil on me, like another full bottles worth. On just my arm. I am not kidding. It was right about then that I started to wonder if the porn music was gonna start and the bright lights were going to go on as someone shouted “Action!”. There was so much oil on me you could have deep fried me. I waited for the massage therapist to remove her robe and be dressed in some scantily clad unders or something else quite bizarre. Maybe this was a fetish porn video. I mean I am a big girl, so that could be it. Like a hidden camera fetish porn. Is there such a thing? It was either that or I was being prepped for some girl on girl oil wrestling match that I was unaware of. As the massage continued, more and more oil was slopped on me and I was starting to feel it flow down into places it shouldnt. That is when I really wondered if the secret porn video was going to start. Any minute now. I wanted to look up and see but was afraid that oil would spill into my eyes and blind me. It really was a problem. I didn’t want to be blinded by oil but I also didn’t want to be part of some Fat Girl fetish porn video without my knowledge. I mean, at least warn a girl so she can make sure her girly bits are properly shaved.

I finally was told to turn over and gratefully snuck a peek around the room. Nope. No cameras or sudden wrestling ring. Whew. I was hoping she would use some of the leftover oil puddles that had rolled onto my front, but no such luck. I swear she opened another bottle of oil and lubed me up even more. I couldn’t even relax because I kept expecting the porn music to start and hear all sort of weird sex noises as I was being massaged. I was never so grateful for a massage to be over in my entire life. Totally not relaxing. Not when you kept wondering when you would hear the cameras rolling. I was so greasy that the towels couldn’t even soak it all up and my hair looked like it had been drenched in oil. I mean if I wanted to do a porn shoot or have the slicked back look to my hair, I was killing it. I even felt like my body squished as I walked as all the oil had no other place to go because my skin was saturated. I quickly slid back to my room and took what felt like the longest hottest shower to get all the oil off and I still didn’t succeed. I actually checked in my room to make sure there weren’t any cameras set up to continue filming the secret porn video that I felt like I starred in. Thank goodness there weren’t any. So spa experience while on vacation is obviously not my thing. Nope.

I vowed never again to cheat on my massage therapist. Not worth it. Not unless I suddenly wanted to change careers and become a fetish porn actress. Hmmmm. I mean I could make a good living. But maybe in another life…. (Note to self: clear browser history on how to become a fetish porn actress).

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did cheat on my massage therapist and regret it once but I didn’t die today. I am Fat Girl who thought she was secretly in a porn video instead of a massage Running. The experiment continues…