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[blog]: notes from a sunken ship survivor

I was supposed to write this last night but then I got drunk things happened. It’s funny because I used to say, “if my OTP comes out, I’ll buy everyone drinks”. Well, they never did and never will but I still ended up buying myself a drink though getting drunk wasn’t part of the plan. And certainly, I wasn’t planning to celebrate my first anniversary as a sunken ship survivor with alcohol. It’s a good thing that it was Shippers Anonymous and not Alcoholics Anonymous that I fancied being a part of otherwise it would have been considered a serious relapse. The hangover this morning was unbearable enough I actually swore off alcohol even if the bottle says only 38% content. Now, if only I can swear off shipping too.

So yes, it’s been a year since I “officially” resigned as a fan of the girl-half of my now ex-OTP. And it went without saying that resigning as a fan of the boy-half followed. Though if I were to be truly honest, I was a fan of the pairing and not of their individual careers. So when the ship sunk, there was nothing left for me to hold on to, not even a driftwood.

It was quite a journey. I shipped them for five years and it reached a point that I was only holding on thinking of the time I have invested in them. They were a part of my daily life. I tried to find connections to them everywhere. My heart would skip whenever I see the word “smart” or “RM”. I stalked their and their friends’ social media. I wrote fan fiction that if I had them published, I’d probably be earning royalty now. I even interviewed them (separately). I asked OTP-related questions and thought I got the answers I was looking for and which made me believe all the more that this was not just your ordinary pairing; this was for real. Along the way, I met friends. And I lived in delusions.

I know how it is to be a delusional fan. Those “theories” of shippers such as matching jewelry or clothes, simultaneous tweets, “revealing” interviews, second-hand information of sightings? Been there, done that. And I believed just like how shippers believe in their own theories and delusions.

To be fair, all shippers are delusional… until the pairing becomes real. Not real in our dreams or in our delusions but actually them coming out saying “yes, we’re dating” or “yes, we’re getting married”. Oh and gossip that disguise themselves as news do not count. And until that happens? It’s all just speculations and delusions.

I recently spoke to one of my friends I met through my ex-OTP ship. We’ve all moved on, no more delusions and we don’t talk about the ex-OTP now like they were our nextdoor neighbor. One thing my friend said struck me and made me teary-eyed. She said that it was the ex-OTP and the fan fiction on them that she read that helped her get through a difficult moment in her life. And if only for that I thought all the ups and downs of shipping were all worth it, because it helped someone’s life.

Did it mine?

Well, there were the happy, memorable moments. And there were selfish moments too with me thinking that this is one of life’s non-negotiables. They have to end up together come what may. But that day I decided I had enough of drowning myself more in delusions, there was no turning back. I deleted all my bookmarks on them, informed my friends of my decision just so they won’t be surprised why I have suddenly become inactive and tried to focus on other things. It was cold turkey and it was hard at first. Sometimes I’d sit in front of my laptop, my fingers itching to check their social media accounts but alas, and it was a good thing, my bookmarks were all gone.

A year later, I’m happy to say that I’m in a good place. I am no longer curious about them and it doesn’t matter who they end up with, it doesn’t even matter if they are happy or not with the choices they make in their lives. They’re no longer a non-negotiable item in my life. Some may say I was foolish in the first place to give importance to something I don’t have any say nor control in, but well, maybe I had to go through an inconsequential experience just to learn my lessons.

Oh and the lessons learned, which all boils down to one: Never take shipping seriously again.

Easier said than done though. I still have my OTPs. I call them sushi OTP and kimchi OTP. I may not ship them as hard as I did the ex-OTP, I may no longer have the energy to write fan fiction on them, but I still wish them to be together one day. Maybe I never learned my lessons after all or maybe I’m just naive or a hopeless romantic.

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8 thoughts on “[blog]: notes from a sunken ship survivor”

First, I didn’t expect this to affect you this much still because I thought at some point of time, the both of us moved on. For myself, I knew that I kicked them out of my routine but they still lingered there. I would still check up on random updates from the ex-smart peers on an occasional regular basis. Reality may not be the way it should turn out to be, but my faith of their bond is never doubted, still going strong. Maybe I’m still as stubborn.It’s sort of funny that I’ve managed to kick them but still, there is this unwithering faith.It’s as if I’ve not moved on, but I know I did. No doubts. I’ve gained the ability to make them lose the ability to hurt me. It’s not like they don’t matter anymore, it’s not like I hate them or I love them, I just feel cold? I guess.

Second, I think I am relatively rational when it comes to them. So I don’t consider myself as delusional. Maybe I was. But at least, I wasn’t illusional. I just didn’t want to feel that all the time I spent on them was a total waste of time. Irony was, I just went out with Rainieday today, the group grew much smaller this year which was disappointing. I don’t blame the people because they have their rights to choose what’s important to them. And as the smaller group chat, there’s so much despise on her. It’s kinda pathetic right?

Third, I guess they are my one and only. The rest of the people in the ebiz are purely show. I will never dedicate anything else to such faraway people whom I thought I was close to. I was talking to Kim and we both regreted spending so much time on them. Not exactly regreted because we agreed if there was a yesterday once more, we would still choose the same path but maybe we’d try to make things to our favour instead of being so considerate and putting them first. I would probably decide to not sub and all. All the time could be used to lose more weight and fall in love with a handsome dude.

But likewise, I’m happy to be where I am. But I guess, if one day, there’s a reunion like an annual chinese reunion dinner, we’ll still be ready to give that part of us. But, this time, a self-controlled one.