Doc Love: Married But Needing Variety

reader’s question

Hey Doc,

First of all, let me say that I have not read “The System” and I don’t know how any of this is going to apply. I just wanted to get that out of the way.

So here’s my situation: I’ve been married for 25 years to a wonderful woman who is a supportive and giving person, the best I’ve ever met. What’s the problem? Well, in a word, it’s boredom. Before you attack me for what I’m going to tell you, please consider that there must be millions of guys in my position, which is happily married but needing variety.

cheating with dignity

Now, I would never even consider cheating on my wife with someone in the neighborhood or one of her friends, but there is an online organization — I won’t say the name — that promises discreet affairs with a like-minded woman. Everything is supposed to be thoroughly screened, etc. I decided to shell out a few bucks and join. To make a long story short, I got hooked up with “Angelina” and we exchanged some e-mails. Now we have a date to meet in a few days to begin what we both assume will be a no-strings-attached, harmless, completely secret and discreet extramarital relationship.

I thought I wanted to go through with this, but now I find myself very anxious, almost panic-stricken with chest pains, at the thought. It’s not that I don’t want to meet Angelina, don’t get me wrong. It’s more that it feels very dangerous and I hope I know what I’m doing.

bored of the bride

Doc, what do you think of a guy who is married but needing variety and getting involved in something like this? Don’t we all deserve some variety in life when our primary relationship has petered out, but is still worth saving? This is a very difficult dilemma for me. If you were me, would you go ahead and meet Angelina?

Thanks in advance for any help you might be able to give me.

Fernando - who is happily married but needing variety.

doc love’s answer

Hi Fernando,

What you’re saying right up front is that you don’t know where I’m coming from since you haven’t read my book. Let me explain to you where I’m coming from: When you meet a keeper, you’ll want to stay with her and keep her happy for the rest of your life so she never falls out of love with you. That’s what “The System” is all about.

the truth about marriage

Now, let me explain something else to you, pal. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Boredom is part of marriage, grasshopper.” You might not want to hear that part of it, but it’s true. When you’re married for a long time to someone, you’re going to get bored — that’s part of the deal. You just have to tough it out, otherwise you shouldn’t get married. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “The problem is that nobody tells you that.” Sappy love songs and TV shows sell the idea that marriage is fun and games and sex every five minutes. The reality, however, is something much different.

Of course there are millions of guys in your fix, Fernando. The difference between you and the vast majority of married men is that they don’t do anything about it. And the ones who do do something about it are making a huge mistake, because they are breaking a contract.

Doc Love has more advice for the guy who is married but needing variety…