07 November 2015

I am the
self-proclaimed “Biggest James Bond Fan” I know.When a new one is announced, I get giddy like
a three year old on Christmas morning.I
watched a lot, not all, of the original films.The Kid likes the Bond franchise for all of the crazy action set pieces,
so I watched more of those than whole films.I have been re-reading many of the original Ian Fleming novels, and
listening to my James Bond Theme playlist daily.That is just the way this nerd rolls.

After the
success of Casino Royale and the
failure of Quantum of Solace, I kept
my expectations in check following the exceptional (maybe even best) Skyfall.The casting and set photos made that difficult.Then, the abysmal trailer followed by the
profoundly bad theme helped to stifle the enthusiasm.But, come on, it’s Bond.Daniel Craig is returning, as is Ralph
Fiennes, Naomi Harris, Ben Wishaw, Rory Kinnear, and director Sam Mendes,
writers Neal Purvis, Robert Wade, John Logan from Skyfall.

Spectre opens with Bond (Craig) chasing
and assassinating terrorist Sciarra (Alessandro Cremona) in Mexico.This scene is creative but overlong.Then, Sam Smith’s shitty song and equally as
shitty opening title credit sequence rolls.Back in London, Bond is reprimanded by M (Fiennes) for his non-sanctioned
actions in Mexico.Bond is forbidden to
continue on his mysterious mission.He
promptly talks Moneypenny and Q into helping him, as Bond has to open a wound
from his past.

Bond makes
his way to Rome to sleep with the wife (Monica Bellucci) of Sciarra, then go to
an underground meeting for this mysterious crime organization that wears a ring
with an octopus on it.He has his first
run in with Mr. Hinx (Dave Bautista), who is never mentioned by name.Bond keeps digging, finds Mr. White (Jesper
Christensen), who leads Bond to his daughter Madeleine Swann (Lea Seydoux).They team up to try and bring down this
syndicate dubbed Spectre (they never mention what it stands for), led by Franz Oberhauser
(Christoph Waltz).In the meantime, C
(Andrew Scott) is not in charge of a worldwide spying network, and dismembers
MI6 and the double-oh section.

I am not
going to give away any of the twists, but suffice it to say, I was not
impressed.The main twist made me want
to get up and leave the theater.There
is no reason for it.It is just lazy and
stupid storytelling.I would have
thought that the writers and producers would have learned from the mistake made
in ST:ID a few years back.I would have thought that they would have
seen the backlash that that franchise and film took, and not pulled the exact
same awful stunt.

I have not
been this disappointed in a Bond movie in my life.I was not a huge fan of Quantum of Solace, but Spectre
makes it look fantastic.I have seen all
the bond films from 1997’s Tomorrow Never
Dies on, in theaters at least twice.I will not waste my time (148 minutes of it) or money to witness this
travesty again in theaters.

The action
was not as mind-blowing as they would want you to believe.How they spent a reported $300 million on
this, I will never know.This film
failed because it was not a Daniel Craig Bond film.It is too campy and gadget filled for Craig’s
Bond and this era of spy films.To be
honest, I would have rather seen 85 year old Roger Moore play Bond in Spectre.The film was too Bond, too convoluted, and flat out too boring.It was very self-aware of being a Bond film,
but not in a good way.

If this is
the last outing for Daniel Craig, I say good riddance if this is the direction
they are going to go with the franchise.I will be sad to see him go, but I would rather they start with a fresh
actor that hadn’t spent years changing the way Bond is portrayed, only to be
betrayed.This film will derail the
franchise, but, I am sure that Bond will return.

Who is the Hairy Man?

I recently got a position with insideSTL.com as a movie critic. I will be posting on there once a week and here the rest of the time. I plan to post links between the sites to increase cross traffic. That means I should post 1 new review a week, at least!