Are Stay At Home Mothers Killing American Men?

January 4, 2007

Are American women killing their husbands under the guise of being the stay at home mom? Marty Nemko’s site raises some interesting points. Here are some of the mined nuggets we discovered at Marty’s place.

Many men live bleak lives: work 10+ hours, commute home, and drop into the couch exhausted. And their reward: an early grave. Despite obesity being more prevalent among women, there are five widows for every widower. Yet all we hear about is another fundraiser for breast cancer.

A recent New York Times article reported that the number of stay-at-home moms has increased 13 percent in less than a decade, and among working women, 2/3 work part-time. This is true even of graduates of prestigious colleges, women who were bestowed a fiercely competed-for slot at an elite college on the assumption they would use that coveted degree to make a big difference in the world.

It’s better for the children. In fact, the data is equivocal about that. And anecdotally, I’ve seen many examples in which a stay-at-home mom overprotects a child, resulting in a less self-confident child than if the child were in a high-quality child-care program.

I don’t have earning potential. The definitive book on the subject, Why Men Earn More by Dr. Warren Farrell (Amacom, 2005) finds that for the same work, in many fields, women earn more than $1 for each dollar men earn. Even low-skill required jobs such as waitressing can yield $50,000-$100,000 a year.

Being a homemaker is at least as stressful as being in the work world. These women point to their having to deal with a frequently crying baby or claim that being at home is a three-ring circus. But fact is, a significant percentage of many stay-at-home moms’ days are spent on low-stress tasks such as supermarket shopping, playing with the baby, making dinner, and chatting with friends while baby is napping.

That life is much less stressful than most out-of-home jobs, which are filled with unpredictable commutes, ever increasing workloads because of the relentless downsizing, bosses with unrealistic expectations, co-workers who don’t pull their weight, and tough tasks, which if not completed satisfactorily can result in criticism or even firing.

Men the unsung heroes.

According to the U.S. Department of Labor, more that 95 percent of the people in the 10 most dangerous jobs are men: from timber cutters to construction laborers. Coal miner, which is 99 percent men, isn’t even in the top 10. We are in an era, in which men are widely portrayed as boors, crooks, or at best, beer-guzzling football watchers.

The vast majority of people who work in iron foundries, coalmines, and other clanging, polluted environments are men. According to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics, 92 percent of workplace deaths occur to men.

Yes, men, who are willing to go into our basement to eradicate a rat population, dig into our sewers to ensure our toilets don’t back up, fish the Icy Alaskan waters to catch the salmon the doctors urge us to eat, build the homes we live in, the buildings we work in, and the highways and vehicles that take us there. In today’s era in which so many features extol the contributions of women, I believe it’s fair to say that men are unsung heroes.

Yes men are dying every day. As we die from our hard efforts to bring money home to the family unit, women are spending that money as soon as we men earn it. Since 2000, despite the economic downturn, the number of spa visits nationwide, the vast majority of which are made by women, has doubled!

Marty informs us: Women don’t just spend on day spas. They’re, overall, the bigger spenders. Yes, men buy more tools and technotoys but women, even when they contribute little or nothing to the family income, are the predominant spenders: clothing, jewelry, therapy, home redecorating of no interest to the man, etc. Most shopaholics are women. Every expenditure loads additional pressure onto the primary breadwinner, which is usually the husband.

Usually, the wife won’t kill the husband, but often will divorce him, at least in part because “he wasn’t a good provider.” And most courts reward her with custody of the child and a requirement that the father pay child support and/or alimony.

An article on askmen states: In the post-divorce wasteland, a man will feel like he just crawled out of a bunker after a firebombing. His community is gone and the world is cold. When he walks into his favorite pub, he’s a foreigner. The world hasn’t changed, however — only he has. While he was saying “yes, dear” to dinner parties, he lost track of college football and can’t even remember who played in the Super Bowl last year.

The wasteland phase is utterly depressing, and men are prone to making poor decisions in the aftermath. According to WebMD, divorced men are two and a half times as likely as married men to commit suicide. Although women must walk the wasteland, too, they tend to cope with the fallout in a more constructive way. Men go for flings and seek out old flames. A failed marriage is a millstone around a man’s neck, and because men tend to stifle their pain, they suffer alone. Case in point: According to a Yorkshire Building Society study, 56% of divorced men say they rue their failed marriage, while only 45% of divorced women have regret.

Finally, Marty reminds us to “remember that men die much younger than women, with stress being a major killer. Do you really want to be a beast of burden so your wife can live a cushy life, and then after you die, inherit the money you’ve earned so she can continue her lifestyle?”

Men, I urge you to be more conscious about whether you are allowing yourself to be turned into being a beast of burden to pay for the expensive house, kids, and all the material “stuff” that you might well be willing to trade away for a more pleasant life.

And if you’re single, consider whether your life will be better if you hold out for a woman who will share responsibility for the family income. Besides, by requiring that, you’ll know that the woman wants to be with you because she loves you, not because—as a surprising number of Marty’s female clients have admitted in the privacy of his office — that she considers you a cash cow.

Comments

44 Responses to “Are Stay At Home Mothers Killing American Men?”

Dave on
January 4th, 2007 9:50 am

This article is very good reading. It describes the exact reason why I am holding out on marriage and most likely will never get married. I have worked too hard to get where I am financially and emotionally (no issues, no drama) to have it all wrecked by a self-entitled woman. If I ever do get married, it would be to a woman who doesn’t have the typical characteristics of the Western American woman – which means I will have to find one out of this country.

It kills me when I have conversations with female friends and acquaintances that the only reason they think men hold out on marriage is because we can get s*x easily outside of it. Well, I then list the other reasons – like getting financially tortured and killed in divorce court, children taken away, marriage & family is EXPENSIVE as ever, stressful, ad nauseum and THEY DON’T GET IT.

I’ve come to the conclusion that they DON’T want to get it and have decided to leave them alone and enjoy my life. When they see me do this, they call me player, looser, a commitment-phoebe, etc. and I just say to them that “that’s desperation language when you are no longer desired” and they go ballistic.

Bill on
January 4th, 2007 12:18 pm

Enjoyed the article…after being married for the past five years my wife decided that our marriage has too many problems and that we should separate. Now that’s she realizing that living alone with her three children might not be quite the paradise she originally seemed to think it was going to be (and more importantly that she would actually have to get a job) she wants to go to counseling. Of course she expects me to find a counselor and then pay for all the sessions…while she continues to spend her stress filled days doing laundry and cooking a meal five days a week. She’s got a surprise coming when I tell her that the only “counsel” I’ll be seeking is my lawyer’s while he writes up our divorce papers.

Reverend Porkchops on
January 4th, 2007 9:06 pm

Most of the SAHM speech is coming from so-called “christian” women who are simply using christianity as a meal-ticket for a slothful life. When I read the Proverbs chapter 31 in the bible, it describes the wife as busting her a*s all the time, I don’t see any modern-day SAHM in proverbs chapter 31. Nice try foolish women, go find another shmuck to ply your craft on.

Ever C on
January 5th, 2007 6:11 am

Marriage is a losing proposition period. Most women expect us to pay for everything.

Sure you can’t call in sick or skive off, you can’t clock off at 5pm, in fact you are on duty constantly for the next 18 years or so and you don’t get paid for over time…oh wait a minute, you don’t get paid at all…but have we really got it all that bad?

I for one would rather spend the day at home, visiting my friends or going shopping with LM than drive through traffic and sit through meetings and team building exercises, and whilst we might envy our partners escape from the home each day how can we dislike any job that means we get to watch soap re-runs, play around on the internet and nap?

So yeah, shhhh,

*looks around furtively*

It is a cushy number, just for pities sake don’t tell the men folk!

porkchops38 on
January 5th, 2007 8:38 pm

Most of the SAHM speech is coming from so-called “Christian” women who are simply using Christianity as a meal-ticket for a slothful life. When I read the Proverbs chapter 31 in the bible, it describes the wife as busting her a*s all the time, I don’t see any SAHM in proverbs chapter 31. Nice try foolish women, go find another shmuck to ply your craft on.

Nammy on
January 6th, 2007 12:00 am

Are you kidding me? Have a single one of you men stayed at home full time with children? I have both worked full time and been at home with children fulltime. I am telling being at home (when the children are younger especially) is much much more work!!!

I for one married my husband for love. He was definitely not rolling in dough, though he has nice stable job. When we divorced I only wanted child support not alimony. I think the judge thought I was nuts. I had no job at the time (the kids were young) but I did not want a penny for myself. I was ill at the time and my husband couldn’t handle the responsibility. I was left too ill to work and two kids to raise and not much money. I did everything I could to get well enough to work (which I have been doing steady for years now). While I was “shopping” at food pantries to feed our children, he was s******g his best friends wife. I am tired of hearing American men talking about how all woman want is their money. I just want a good reliable man who sticks to his commitments instead of running off when the going gets tough!

outcastsuperstar on
January 6th, 2007 10:03 am

You nailed it! My mother was born in 1940, and she has executed her family role beautifully. She puts her family first, will cook for the family, do the laundry for the family, and do lots of house cleaning.

At the same time I realize that my mother was in the last generation that was not infected by man hating feminism.

As of today, I would strongly agree that today’s modern stay at home American Mom is very lethal to the American Man. (If you need any proof read the Cultural Devastation of American Women by Nancy Levant.)

There was a time where a true stay at home mom was very beneficial to the American man, sadly though, those days are over as Feminism and the Family Court System have destroyed the value that a stay at home Mom would have.

JP on
January 8th, 2007 8:12 am

I would gladly trade places with any woman who wants a stay at home dad.

Cleaning house is easy. As a matter of fact, when I kicked the ex wife to the curb for being a lazy ungrateful b*tch I had the house cleaner in 2 hours than it took her a week to clean.

Coming home to fishsticks and screaming kids is no way to go through life. I fight a**holes all day long at the office, my ex wife seemed to think I wanted to fight with her over some stupid bullsh*t like who is emptying the master bedroom’s bathroom trash can this week.

I mean wtf, its not enough she doesn’t do sh*t all day, now I gotta do my part for our bathroom?

Reverend Porkchops on
January 8th, 2007 8:43 pm

Mammy, your b.s. is so thick in here that I’ve had to put on my duck-hunting chest-waders to wade through your b.s.

First of all, one or two children is piece of cake nowadays. Try raising 8 or 10 little monsters like the women of yesteryear did and like many Amish women still do. How do the Amish women find time to raise so many kids without electricity, without Pampers, without bottle-warmers, without electric rocking cradles, without microwave ovens, without Hamburger Helper, etc.? You have got to be f’ng kidding me with your delusional b.s.

Secondly, I don’t know you from shamu, but let me take a wild guess as to why your husband left you for another woman. Oh I don’t know, could it have had anything to do with the fact that you have all these modern conveniences of life that your foremothers never had YET ALL YOU CAN DO IS WHINE AND MOAN ABOUT HOW HARD LIFE IS??? You know, when a woman whines and complains, that whining c**p doesn’t put a man in the mood for playing hide the salami, but I guess you thought your whining and complaining was like verbal viagra to him. Now he’s in the arms of another woman, and as long as she doesn’t whine and complain she probably gets to hide his salami.

ingrid on
January 9th, 2007 11:04 am

Hello scary bitter men that make gross generalizations about women.

I’m not married.

I don’t have children.

I don’t want children.

I have been living with the same guy for the last 5 years.

I am financially independent.

I work full time.

Not all women are as you describe. In fact, I know very few that are.

At the end of the day, I think that you are all making a big fuss over nothing. Make good choices. Live with choices you make. Stop whining.

Many of the comments above sound weak and pitiful. Take responsibility for your own actions.

tygr on
January 9th, 2007 11:08 pm

Earlier death in men probably results from the greater amount of calories that men consume each day compared to women. Calorie restriction has proven to extend life. Excess calories, and in particular excess glucose from carbohydrates, causes many problems, especially organ failure, cancer and DNA damage, resulting in earlier death.

Now you could argue that working one of those physically demanding professions requires that a man consume extra calories per day, resulting in higher incidences of heart disease, stroke, cancer, etc.

Khankrumthebulgar on
January 15th, 2007 3:12 pm

Evolutionary Biologists insist that Humans survived the Neanderathals due to our Division of Labor. Men hunted, and Women attended to the Children. It was a specialization of Labor. No Gender was better than the other. But Men due to our Brains, and our hormones. Are by our Nature hardwired to lead. It is only in the last 40 years that Women, have stupidly ignored our biology and Neurological hardwiring and joined the Society of Flat Earth thinkers. With laughable results.

NOW’s own Leaders admit that their membership is 40% Lesbians. Who hate Heterosexual Men and compete with us sexually for attractive Females. Just who stupid are our Women? Apparently very stupid to believe the lies of Feminism. Stay at Home Moms should be regarded with high honors.

It is Femifascists Like Linda Hirschmann who regard them as Losers and dullards. It is Feminists who have forced them into the workforce. Stop blaming Men, and realize it is your Feminist Sisters who have consigned you to Wage Slave status. They believe the Child raising role to be “Oppression”. I do not.

Loki on
January 23rd, 2007 9:15 am

I am a stay at home mother, and a qualified teacher. My husband prefers me to be at home with our daughter. I have fought for self worth every day since my daughter was born because I felt like I was not contributing to our family financially. My husband has never made me feel this way – - that is just the way I feel. It was more my husbands’ decision for me to stay at home – - he thinks that it is ultimately better for her to be raised by me. I honestly have to agree with him, and THAT is why I am staying at home.

We want to be the ones to see her first steps, her first crawl, hear her first words… not a stranger. We trust each other more than I would ever trust a stranger to take care of her. THAT is why I am raising her, and staying at home. I am not a feminsit, I am not interested in watching soaps, and I do try to make sure that our house is tidy, and there is food on the table for my husband when he comes home from work… but I am not his slave, nor do I feel that it is my duty to do all of these things… I do them for him, because I love him. The less he expects from me, the more I want to do these things for him.

So, if you self-pitying men would take a second to realize that perhaps your selfishness is what is causing your women to turn on you, and perhaps you might have more luck in your relationships by accepting women for the things you love about them instead of the things that might not be so appealling.

There is no job more important than raising a child, and those who believe this not to be true must be a truly selfish and self-absorbed S.O.B.

Loki on
January 23rd, 2007 10:33 am

p.s. – If you guys stopped spending your weekends on the couch / computer, and made an effort to eat healthier and exercise, then you wouldn’t be as likely to die so much younger then women.

And for the guy who begrudged the fund-raising for Breast Cancer… SHAME ON YOU! WOMEN have worked hard for the fight against Breast Cancer… it kills your wife, sisters, mothers, etc every minute of every day. How about instead of begrudging a worthwhile cause, get off your butt and start a worthwhile cause for men?

MEN, what would YOUR mothers think of you if they read the articles that you are writing here? I think that most of them would be ashamed of you.

“1) I spend too much time on the computer. Like right now.
2) I spend too much time on the couch watching TV. The only time I should be watching TV is when I am sitting there nursing my baby. Other than that, NO!
3) I sleep way too much, I never want to get out of bed. Being a stay at home mom, it’s not like I have to be anywhere at any given time, so I have no schedule, which contributes greatly to my laziness.
4) I almost never exercise.

So in conclusion, to end my laziness, I have these goals for the first week: Exercise at least 3 times this week. Get no more than 8 hours of sleep per day. No watching TV unless I am nursing. Limit computer time to 2 hours a day (LOL, that’s bad when 2 hours/day is “cutting back”).”

And this gem too:

“Since I quit smoking 4 months ago I have been slowly but surely eating myself through a number of very bad food groups. I said to myself that I wouldn’t eat so much and that I would get out every day and go for a walk…that lasted 2 days….i need to be more motivated!!!”

I sure wouldn’t want to be their man out busting my hump to come home to them. “Baby, did you make a meatloaf today by chance, I’m really hungry?” Sorry hubby, didn’t get a chance, been real busy with the kids you know.”

Curiepoint on
January 24th, 2007 3:26 pm

A few random thoughts:

Has anyone ever noticed that all the breast/cervical cancer adverts feature women who are portrayed as the ever-popular strong/independent/sassy-@$$ types who are gonna beat this thing, dammit…Yet, the rare advert that addresses prostate or testicular cancer are always related in terms of how it affects women? One can almost envision the headline:

MEN DYING IN DROVES. WOMEN HIT HARDEST OF ALL

Also, I love how Loki can admonish us pathetic men for not eating right or exercising and that’s why we die earlier. Well Loki, women don’t fare much better in terms of their personal habits. I don’t see any Big Handsome Man movements forming anywhere, at least not with the ubiquity of the BBW movement. Most are just as bloated and ill-healthed as any guy. The difference is that billions and billions of dollars are spent on research to help women and their ailments. Barely any money is spent on men’s well-being. Why? because women fail to acknowledge that they are:

1). The ones who hold all the political clout. Otherwise, they will b***h and nag like little children until they get their way.

2). Their agendas are supported by every major media outlet.

3). They think with their uteri, rather than their brains.

4). They buy into whatever the herd mentality tells them.

5). They couldn’t care less about any man, and if anything happens to him their first thought is how they are going to subsidize their lifestyles. Heaven forbid they have to do what men must, which is suck it up and deal.

5). They quite simply are the enemy.

John on
January 30th, 2007 9:34 am

I am glad women are staying home and taking care of kids.

If I was married, I would have my wife do that.

Yes, the system nowadays is unfair for men, but f*** it, we are men, just deal with it, and make it better. The enemy is not the woman per say, but the system they grow up in. (yes they too are responsible, but women are just followers of modes and fashion, very few are independent and moral thinkers)

The ideal today is the s**t or independent career woman, and actually i’m attracted to the s**t type woman, who isn’t. No no on the career woman ick!! anyway,.. But, Ill be damn if i’ll marry her!! or let her have my children, or take care of her 2/3 kids with other men.

Again, Three Cheers for the house wife, who takes care of the kids, or the one who looks after the house, ((**ps. don’t get fat**))
but three cheers!!!

Now if Women want to be men, f*** it , let them.

If they want to be career women, or s***s. let them. They will have there own hell to pay.

But to be honest, i’m not that cold. It would be best for them to find out what the essence of womanhood is, before their life wastes away, and they become crabby, bitter old hags.

As for us men, best to saddle up and be men.

On a final note, I would actually say that the reason there are such gender problems nowadays is because we have lost Christ.

pmydkm01 (A Female) on
February 4th, 2007 11:14 am

To John:

“The ideal today is the **** or independent career woman, and actually i’m attracted to the **** type woman, who isn’t. No no on the career woman ick!! anyway,.. But, Ill be damn if i’ll marry her!! or let her have my children, or take care of her 2/3 kids with other men.”

You do love generalizing, don’t you. I bet you also love murdering the English language with your inane posts. Just for the record, I don’t know any career women who have 2/3 kids, or any woman that has 2/3 of a kid. That would be kind of strange. I’m thinking you’re just scared of the “independent career woman” because of her independence. If you look around, there aren’t that many women that stay at home with kids compared to over 40 years ago. Good for you if you want a woman you can dominate over and make her take care of the kids for you while you sit back and watch football. I, for one, would want to marry a woman like my mother – strong, independent, but still a caring mom.

cherry_jujube2 (A Female) on
February 4th, 2007 12:23 pm

Some of the arguments in the comments are scary. (i.e. John) It’s true, though, that those women who do not freely choose to be stay-at-homers (and even some who do) can be pretty scary. I think it’s their personality (the ones who choose to be stay-at-home) that make them act so crazily. They can’t and don’t like to work under anyone else, so they make others listen to them. The ones who are forced to stay-at-home – most likely, they are unhappy and act out their frustration. People just need to figure out what works best for them.

p.s. – to John: not all career women have 2/3 kids. (I don’t know of any person who has 2/3 of a kid. Career women, or “b*tches” as you call them, are not that bad. I don’t know what you have against them. Fear, perhaps?)

pmydkm01 (A Female) on
February 4th, 2007 12:51 pm

All right, I’ll make my comment less fiery if it will get me heard.

This is why more women should go into the workforce and find ways to stay there. This is why girls should not be taught to only look forward to mooching off the husband’s money when older while lazing around the house with the kids. Sure, not all stay-at-home moms are that mercenary, but some definitely are. They don’t want to go out and work for their own money that they can spend themselves without driving the husband insane. This is why encouraging women to stay at home is just making the problem worse. (Sorry to burst your bubble, John.)

Yes, a lot of women buy into herd mentality, but a lot of men do too. It’s natural for our instincts to follow the pack. Those who refuse and think for themselves are smarter. This goes for both women and men, Curiepoint. (However, I agree that men’s health needs to be more widely advertised. No wonder men fear going to the doctor – no one’s talking about their problems, so why should they be the first one? I admit I’m reluctant to go too.)

LB on
February 27th, 2007 12:43 pm

I am an attractive, straight, professional woman who never wanted to get married. I got married, got divorced and got real. I didn’t have kids because my ex-husband didn’t want them. Now, I basically have relationships that last about two years and then they turn in to friendships. I pay my way and am overly generous to my gentleman friends yet they hardly recipriocate. Why is it that men are only generous to the “self absorbed expectant b***h”? Seriously. I hear a lot of moaning and groaning about how woman are sucking men dry but these women seem to be what you are attracted to.

What do you guys really want?

obbop on
March 8th, 2007 8:14 am

Over and over, on the majority of female postings here and elsewhere, the same theme is apparent; and that is one of male bashing.

Rare is the female posting devoid of the emotionality that causes females to be, in my OPINION, unworthy of the least amount of my time or attention.

Just read the replies to what I have written here as likely proof of my assertions.

I left a post on a female reporter’s blog who works for the Lincoln (Nebraska) Journal-Star. Her blog entry was the typical knee-jerk rhetoric related to the trite “Females earn but 73-cents for every dollar males earn.”

I gave enough evidence to refute that rhetoric; how averages skew reality, how more females than males work part-time, how males enter higher-paying careers more often than females (even though those career paths are not only open to females but that females are desired!!!). I told of fields wherein females, on average, earn MORE than males such as real estate selling.

I also mentioned the federal statistics showing how males are far more likely to be injured or killed on the job. How males, due to their careers, are more likely to obtain life-long disabilities such as hearing loss and many other maladies.

So, what does the female reporter do with my post? Rebut it with facts and figures and personal experience? NO!!!!! She just deletes the post!!!!!

So, as females ignore a male’s words and spew out self-serving rhetoric, either in real life or on a message board, the little ladies continue their self-disillusionment and expect males to now bow to them.

It’s okay, girls. I have lived my life divinely without a single female in reach. Oh, yes, I am civil on the job and in public when I am forced to be in close proximity to your feminine “divineness.” But, as much as possible, I shun the female of the species.

Too many headaches dealing with females. It’s just not worth the emotional toll putting up with what I consider to, too often, but not always, be my inferior at so many levels.

Okay, girls, lambast and berate me. I am used to it and encourage it. As in the past, typically, female responses to my words only supports my assertions.

Jessica on
March 21st, 2007 9:06 am

Writer: Jessica, BS, Master degree, home with kids, Married 5 yrs

Yes, I do agree…..before you have kids….you have no idea what you are getting into. Being a parent sucks sometimes…..well alot of the time. You lose most of your freedom and life as you knew it before they came along. Here are a few other points…..

Do not take your taxes to someone who has never done them before…right!!!!

If you have never been home with kids….then you do not know how hard it can be. It is boring, taxing, draining, and isolating…..Getting my Masters Degree was a breeze compared

Try to keep you s*x life exciting……..listen to each other

5 yrs……….that MAY be the only amount of time a woman it home with kids……it is not forever or we would kill ourselves

*the guy that invented this website had a S****y marriage…..and kids came along with that……..Move on from your nightmare….set yourself free man……..If a bad door opens….close that door

You made a bad choice and so did she…….Move on and take your kid for some ice cream

Second response

When my husband comes home from work, I hand him a beer and tell him to take 10 and chill out….get a shower. Then we have a beer together later..and eat a nice meal.

You need to understand each others roles……..Working outside of the home is exhausting and ……..being home with kids is hard and BORING!!

If you work full time…….what are your weekends like……with kids…they suck………parenting is not easy …..we all know that ….that is how it is all week…

Enjoy your family………….have a margarita with your husband….and wife…….enjoy your kids………it is only for a few years that a chic is home with the kids..

Michele on
March 21st, 2007 9:20 am

This is satire, right? Growing up in the 1970s my mom bought the feminist c**p – worked my father through school and left her kids (my sister and me) as latch key children (hence our early drugs, drinking and bad grades in school). Eventually my ex-hippy parents became two income earning materialistic yuppies, both of whom had affairs, fought, divorced…typical two income family c**p.

When I married and had my daughter, I started at busy home-based business so I could not do what my parents did. But that meant I was up most of the night with my baby and spent the entire day working, cleaning, changing diapers, shopping, cooking and working until midnight on the business…since my husband was a musician, his income was spotty so I took on more work, and even supported him through school.

Eventually with my saved income, we started a business which falls mostly on his shoulders, with me doing all the financials and support work. But I also raise our child (teaching, volunteering in school, etc) and – because my husband is the main income – I do shop, cook, clean, handle the hundreds of bills a household and manufacturing business require.

But the hardest thing I’ve ever done (and I’ve worked since the age of fifteen) is raise my child. There’s no amount of physical labor, office work…that is as grueling or important.

You’d have to be a neandrathal (no offense to the Geico guys), an ignorant, selfish, empty, soulless lunkhead to put a child into the world and want strangers to raise it so that you could do just like my parents did – just aqcuire stuff, stuff that means nothing when you die.

RE: *the guy that invented this website had a ****** marriage…..and kids came along with that……..Move on from your nightmare….set yourself free man……..If a bad door opens….close that door

You made a bad choice and so did she…….Move on and take your kid for some ice cream

–

Gee Jessica, what delightful words of wisdom. I never thought about moving on and taking my kids for ice cream? You’ve inspired me to write a letter to the family court.

Dear Judge

I would like to take Jessica’s advice and move on. So if you could please have the court cancel all future alimony payments that would be great. I would also like to have at least joint custody so I may take my little one for ice cream when I like as Jessica states. And since I am having custody half the time, please cancel my child support payments. Why pay the mother if I too have custody half the time?

I’ve done both. caring for children and a home is not harder than working a full time career. Its all about keeping things organized and planning ahead. when I was home with my daughter the place was clean , healthy meals were on the table, my daughter got to every event on time, got good qualilty time with Daddy, and played at the park for a couple of hours every day. If you can project manage, you can be a SAHM(D)- its the same skillset.

Currently I am in graduate school and hold down an executive role with a global 50 company. I still find time to do fun things with my kids, take my wife out on dates, and do my share of housework/parenting. My wife does not work outside the home.

I basically learned the SAHM thing was a racket when I took over the at home parent duties (I was on paid leave for 6 months while we took care of some family issues). Basically, there was more than enough time during the day to take care of everything. She was spending an hour online, an hour talking to friends on the phone (mostly complaining about husbands), an hour shopping randomly and an hour in transit from place to place. Play dates were more Mommy time (the moms chat and drink coffee). In essence, half of the 9 hours I spent at the office she spent on herself. If you are doing the same, take a good hard look at how you spend your time. If it’s a full time job, then treat it as one. If I spent 4-5 hours a day jacking around at the office I would be fired.

Basically the root issue was that SHE did not value the things she did, so she resented doing them. She filled the day with self centered c**p to fill the void she was feeling. Marriage counseling was a godsend for us. She figured out that her role was just as valuable as mine. She now focuses as much effort into being a mom / running the household, as she did when she was working outside the home.

James on
August 5th, 2007 11:49 pm

Women really do stick together, as you can see by these posts. obbop is 100% correct and I agree with everything he said. A LOT of shame tactics by some of the comments on this article. “self pitying men” came up a bit. Pretty much we’re trying to educate others and they’re saying “grow up (and eventually die from stress or your dangerous job). They don’t care about the men who have died from stressful work.

I noticed something and it’s that these women that post try to describe every bit of their life and how good of a person they are. Do we care if you see yourself as “intelligent” or “attractive” or if you’re straight or not. None of those things are relevand and yet they must start their comments out like that. What it seems to me is that they’re trying to make themself feel better by either fooling everyone else and thereby fooling themselves or just hoping that someone else will agree and they’ll be like fhew, I’m not one of the women described in this article.

A lot of commenters opinions being passed off as facts and I’m glad Reverand Porkchops (and any logical man) are seeing through the BS.

Heather on
October 11th, 2007 8:46 pm

I am a SAHM of two young children.

Not all SAHMs are fat, lazy, ungrateful slobs, as you portray them to be. I work hard from the time my children get up in the morning, until they go to bed at night. I have great respect for how hard my husband works, and I am very careful with the money he earns.

I do the laundry (including washing cloth diapers) cleaning, bill-paying and gardening. I cook every meal from scratch, usually while holding my baby on one hip. I make and freeze my own baby food, and my child is exclusively breastfed to avoid the purchase of formula. I keep a price book, so that all necessities are purchased as cheaply as possible. Nearly all of my children’s clothing is purchased at garage sales. I rarely shop (except for food), never make social phone calls, and never buy anything for myself. In fact, I rarely do anything for myself at all.

Being a SAHM is no picnic. It’s exhausting, boring, and repetitive. There are no breaks. Our work is unappreciated, and people like you try your best to make us feel completely worthless. Despite all of this, we willingly sacrifice years of our lives because we love our children and want what is best for them. There is simply no substitute for parents in the life of a young child.

Fortunately, my husband knows this. He is a genuinely good man, and not because he’s a “good provider.” He puts his family first over the almighty dollar, and he respects me and the work that I do for our family.

Some people actually stay home with their children because they love them and want to raise them instead of handing them over to inadequate care givers that could care less about your child.

Andrea on
November 9th, 2007 4:31 pm

I am a stay at home mother, I also worked full time as a paralegal prior to staying home. Although it is apparent to anyone reading the article and most of the comments that there is a lot of bitterness and just plain idiocy demonstrated here I won’t go on and on about it.

Prior to becoming a SAHM, I was actually the breadwinner of our family (my husband is a teacher) but it was my husband who wanted me to stay at home once I had our 3rd child. Let me tell you dealing with anal attorneys and catty fellow employees is cake compared to dealing w/ 2 & 3 year olds. At my “real” job I was appreciated, valued, and, yes, highly paid. I did work a lot of overtime but usually no more than 50-55 hours a week. Do I watch TV- yes, I watch about 30 minutes of TV about 2 or 3 times a week. Do I go to the park often- yes- after spending about 20-40 minutes fighting to get the kids ready and out the door, then it’s fun for about 30-40 minutes, followed with about 20 minutes of whining, running after kids or yelling. I’m not going to get into dealing w/ all the nastiness of kids because that’s actually the easy part of it all.

Additionally, as for money- I am in charge of the budgeting- I have never been a shopaholic but now I am even more miserly – I save my husband $ not spend it. Yes, I am sure some SAHM have it easy- maybe if you have a lot of $ and only 1 or 2 kids it would be easy to live a “life of leisure”. But a lot of us are hard working and actually feel guilty because we aren’t bringing in capital even if staying at home is what our husbands want. Lastly, I do have my husband eat an occasional fish stick, in fact he is making us a lame dinner of sandwiches right now- however, I have made breakfast, lunch, dinner for the past 3 weeks straight and this week alone I also made him homemade granola for breakfast, cookies, cofee cake & dessert and I make sure his (our) laundry is always done. Is the house clean – no I have 3 kids.

Sorry there is no perfect woman. However, my advice to you is this, right before I met my husband I said to myself, I can offer a man this, this and that and you know what I better get that in return. If you want to be happy then do the same. But stop generalizing and viewing women as the enemy because you’ll never find happiness.

DeeDee on
November 30th, 2007 8:28 pm

My oh my, what treasures your website is full of! If it weren’t for this website, I’d never have learned so many idiotic generalizations about women.

Maybe things are different in the city. I’m from the country, and relations between men and women are quite a bit different than what y’all describe.

Where I’m from (Missouri), most bachelors want a wife. Why? Well, who else is going to skin the deer you shoot during rifle season, cut it into reasonably sized hunks, and feed the family for the entire winter off measly Bambi? Who else gives hay to the cows in -10 degree weather while you’re off at your “oh so stressful” office job, sitting on your butt in a nicely heated building? My stay-at-home mother sure didn’t spend her days playing with the baby, and she still managed to have dinner on the table at 5:30 when Dad walked through the door.

It’s not about how intelligent, how attractive, how whatever you are. It’s about maturity and handling what life throws out you. Out in the country, we’re still raised right-by our mamas.

Amanda on
January 4th, 2008 6:15 pm

OK.

Married men are actually happier and healthier than married women. I read this in a book I used in a family studies class I took. I’ve been looking for a reference but I can’t find one right now. If you need it, I’ll try harder. Women care about their husbands and pressure them into the colonoscopy and all that good stuff, and just to go the doctor in general, as men seem to be weary of doctors for some reason. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Men just have shorter lifespans. This is a global thing. Even in countries where they have no running water and women are taking care of the kids, walking miles to get clean water, etc., they still live longer. We just do.

Curiepoint:

Wow. I am sad for you. Anyway. Info above can be directed at you as well. I have NEVER seen an ad about testicular cancer or prostate cancer framed in terms of how it will affect women. Medical research is focused on women? WHAT? What about all the frikin ED research and the penile enlargement stuff that is not very important in comparison to breast cancer, ovarian and cervical cancer…Not to mention lung, colon..all the cancers and other diseases that strike both sexes.

I will argue that if men are “dying in droves” of prostate or testicular cancer, and by droves I assume you are saying more than women die of cervical, breast or ovarian cancer…that it is because they do not go to the doctor often enough…many seem to have an aversion. However, as I pointed out, many married women encourage this, which is why married men are happier and healthier. It is NOT for lack of research.

Also, I’m sure you know that until recently, heart attacks and heart disease symptoms and treatment were based on a male model. They assumed women’s symptoms were the same as men’s. They are not, and many women died as a result. My grandmother didn’t know what was wrong with her because “classic” heart attack/disease symptoms were actually male symptoms. The medical field is trying to rectify this situation by including more women in research…but wow. All I can say is wow…

Curiepoint wrote: “Women are the enemy”
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

What did a woman do to you? Did your mom beat you? How can you generalize women this way and dislike them so much? I do not dislike men at all…and they really treated women badly for most of history.

I just don’t understand. Whoever said “your mothers would be ashamed of you” is absolutely correct.

Southtown on
January 6th, 2008 9:00 am

Amanda, you claim that “[men] really treated women badly for most of history.”

I am glad to see you are intelligent, seeing as you do not hold today’s men accountable for what men long dead have done. There are plenty of women who like to use the actions of men who don’t have anything to do with the discussion or the actions that lead to it as an argument in said discussion.

Despite that, you seemed to have missed a crucial lesson in history class. You must know that, during the 200,000 years humans exist, the female was the dominant s*x. Women took care of the community’s young ones and gathered fruits and other foodstuffs. In the mean time, men hunted. Food gathering, however, was any community’s greatest source of food and not hunting (as is often believed). This put women in a dominant position, as they were not only the only s*x able to bear children, but they also supplied most of the food consumed.

To put it gently, men were at women’s mercy. To make matters worse, the “dating” arena wasn’t a friendly place to be for men either: one rejection was enough for all other women in a community to reject the rejected man as well, meaning his sorry genes weren’t likely to get anywhere (*). To top it off, a man could never be sure a child was his (while women always were and still are). Who knows some caveman named Brutus had his way with his wife while he was out hunting?

It was only starting from about 8,000 B.C. that men became the dominant s*x, when agriculture started to spread across the globe. This was a slow process, though, taking thousands of years to fully spread across the globe.

(*) This may well be the reason why some/many men are shy and passive when it comes to relating to women in a romantic/s****l way: evolution has taught us that a lot depends upon that one romantical pursuit, so we treat it as if our lives depend upon it; that is no longer true, but it takes a while before evolution adapts a species’ behavior to new circumstances.

Amanda on
January 8th, 2008 5:42 pm

Ok, “men treated women badly for most of [American] history”. That’s what I was getting at. That was a very tiny little piece of my comment and not really a part of my argument, however.

Curiepoint on
January 10th, 2008 3:27 am

Amanda: Wow. I am sad for you.

Save me your pity. I have no use for it.

Amanda: I have NEVER seen an ad about testicular cancer or prostate cancer framed in terms of how it will affect women.

I don’t know what media you subscribe to, but I’ve seen nothing else. How about the ad with the guy walking around with his wife on his back, literally? Or printed ads in Men’s Health Magazine that is comprised of a matrix of women’s pictures, each one captioned with “I have prostate cancer”?

Amanda: What about all the frikin ED research and the penile enlargement stuff

ED was never “researched”. The treatments for it fell out of a correlation between certain Blood Pressure medications and a side effect of spontaneous erection; the same meds that are given to women, BTW. Moreover, ED is indicative of a more serious medical condition, so while ED itself isn’t as important, the cause usually is. As to penile enlargement, you cannot be serious. All of those ads for penile enlargement are not the result of bona-fide medical research. It’s all snake oil and marketing. By the way…these ads are exclusively put forward in terms of “do it for her”.

Amanda: I assume you are saying more than women die of cervical, breast or ovarian cancer

Why assume that? Why do men have to die in greater numbers than women for it to be taken seriously? As it happens, the numbers of men who die of prostate or testicular cancer are slightly less than women; by slightly, we are talking about 50,000 less per year. Yet the amount of money spent on breast and ovarian cancer research gets pretty close to a billion dollars. For men: about one-eight that much.

Amanda: many married women encourage this

Sure…can’t pay the mortgage without the walking ATM…I mean…husband around.

Amanda: married men are happier and healthier

As stated by such scholarly journals as Cosmo and Woman’s Day magazines.

Amanda: heart attacks and heart disease symptoms and treatment were based on a male model.

Point made and understood.

Amanda: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Lots of stuff. That’s life, and it’s lessons are not lost on a wise person.

Amanda: your mothers would be ashamed of you

I personally couldn’t care less about the opinion of someone who nagged and demanded a man into a much earlier grave. Not a kind word from her while he was alive, but not that he’s gone, he’s some kind of saint.

Amanda on
January 15th, 2008 5:36 pm

That ad you were talking about with the woman on the man’s back was exactly what I was thinking when I was saying that men seem to care less about their health than women.. .the wife was on his back because he wouldn’t do it, she wanted him to be healthy because she LOVED him. Thanks for helping me prove that point.

You assume that women only want their husbands around because they “have the money”. Men are NOT always the breadwinners, and for God’s sake, WOMEN DO LOVE THE MEN THEIR WITH. It is possible, I promise you. You need to step out and realize that most wives/girlfriends love their husbands/boyfriends. I love mine. And he’s a poor teacher…..::GASP::

BTW–I told you I got the info about married men being happier and healthier in a University class, NOT Cosmo, thanks. If you REALLY want a reference I can try to find it but that would be a pain… I don’t really feel that this is worth it, I have grad school work I need to get done.

People of both sexes have their faults. I just wish everyone would stop generalizing people. Try a libertarian viewpoint and see people as individuals – not members of groups.

Southtown on
January 17th, 2008 9:19 am

” Ok, “men treated women badly for most of [American] history”. That’s what I was getting at. That was a very tiny little piece of my comment and not really a part of my argument, however. “

– Amanda

Entirely true. Still, the myth that men did women wrong for most of history is so pervasive that it has to be corrected.

I am sick of hearing it used against men while:

1) what men long dead did is no fault of today’s men and while

2) it is not in the slightest true.

Curiepoint on
January 24th, 2008 7:33 pm

It’s curious, Amanda…but the ad you refer to makes absolutely no mention of the wife loving her husband; just that she’s a nag. As to the point about men not always being the bread-winners, on this I concur. But then again, whoever is the primary bread-winner in a marriage is really moot. The vast majority of divorces find the men penalized in favor of the ex-wife in the form of alimony, or in a more general term “Maintenance” regardless of the relative salaries of the people involved. And, with more than half of marriages ending in divorce, how many of them end up with the wife paying alimony to the husband because she make more than him? In the vast majority of these scenarios, she gets the house, both cars, and the kids. Whoever is better equipped to handle raising them based upon income potential is rarely considered.

Sure, it’s possible that women love the men they’re with. It’s also possible that an asteroid will strike the Earth and cause another mass extinction. After all, it happened once before in the Chixulub impact 65 million years ago, so it could happen again. It just doesn’t seem terribly probable. The bottom line is that people can proclaim love (indeed, proclaim anything) from now until the end of time, but words mean nothing. What counts are actions. I never believe what people say to a greater extent than what they do. My observations are admittedly skewed to one side, but they are my observations, and they are what direct my actions and beliefs.

No need to interrupt your graduate work for my benefit. Good luck on your thesis.

Dead-on with your observation about both genders having their faults. I have never denied this. But what happens when half of the population (individuals all I am sure), find themselves living a life whereby they have never had it so good in all of human history, and yet still decry their victimhood at the expense of the other half?

In a word, resentment.
In another, defiance.

Why get so worked up, Amanda? So what if I turn my back on women and consider them not worth the effort anymore? They can go along their merry ways, and I shall go mine, both of us unassailed from either side of the gender divide. Just as long as they stay away from my house, my land, and my life…everyone will be just fine. I’ve worked to damned hard to see even the slightest possibility of it vaporizing out of my hands and into a woman’s.

Sharon on
February 27th, 2008 7:07 am

I am a house wife and my husband has no respect for what I do in a day, because I do not bring home a paycheck. I cook, clean, wash clothes, take out the trash, do the shopping, take care of the kids, I am the chauffeur, take care of the animals, pay bills, volunteer my time at my kids school, shovel the snow, and take care of his biological needs(most of the time). He thinks he is the only hard working individual in the entire world. He comes home exhausted and a grouch and just wants to chill out. At some point in time I try to socialize with him a bit, but he is not one to talk much. He has started to look online for other women to hook up with because he says he wants to have fun that I do not provide him with enough s*x.

I have told him that I need a little more attention from him outside the bedroom. He doesn’t think it is necessary and says that I am withholding s*x from him. We never go out and have fun as a couple or a family, because he is usually too busy working. In my mind, his lack of respect, loyalty and commitment to me and our kids are a complete turn off.

MissKatherineA on
June 21st, 2008 7:21 am

You are damn straight that this fast-paced, affluent world we live in has been built on the backs of hard-working, intelligent, ambitious men. Too few women will even admit that, or ever entertain the idea of being grateful and proud of it. The feminist movement has changed society’s expectations of women and changed the way we see ourselves, but has dismally failed in changing what they want to change most…the shape of our bodies and our natural instincts. It’s impossible, and so tragic to see the millions of men and women caught up in the trap of trying.

I am a wife and mother, who’s main focus is raising our children and loving my husband – who happens to be a total bad-a*s and KNOWS it because I make sure he feels like a damn king around here. Clean beautiful home, lots of wine and good food, happy clean children who adore him, and a best friend and lover always there to encourage and empower him…..simply returning the favor he lovingly shows me.

Men and women are better together….but they have to believe in each other and take care of each other.

Big hugs and kissed from a man-loving woman xoxoxoxoxo

Wayne on
July 6th, 2008 12:54 pm

There’s a Women’s Health Commission as well as an International Women’s Health Commission . There’s no such organization for men, and when it was proposed, never guess who shot it down. Federal spending on women’s health outpaces spending for men (by more than 2 to 1 for breast cancer vs prostate cancer, a decade ago it was 4 to1), yet women live 9 years longer than men. I’m looking for the stats on overall spending on health by gender, I don’t want to misquote it. Lung cancer actually tops both prostate and breast cancer for mortality.

Notice how women here are saying “if men die sooner, it’s your own fault, and your responsibility to fix it.” I’ll say this again – attempts to have it addressed in congress have met with opposition from women’s organizations. We’ve been trying, but we don’t get the favorable press coverage that “save teh boobeez” campaigns do.

In 2006 alone, our government “granted” (gave) foreign countries: 28.16 Million dollars for cancer research. No stipulations or explanations as to where it actually went. Nice to know we have that sort of cash to just give away for…well… who knows?

In 2005, an additional $2.9 million was received by the NCI from the US Postal Service’s sale of the Breast Cancer Stamp. This is not calculated in the total dollar amount of breast cancer monies.

In 2006, an additional $6.9 million was received by the NCI from the US Postal Service’s sale of the Breast Cancer Stamp. This is not calculated in the total dollar amount of breast cancer monies.

Oh, and the numbers for breast cancer do not cite the number of cases of male breast cancer, which accounts for 1% of the mortality due to breast cancer. Um, there’s no females with prostate cancer.

Erectile disfunction treatment is a for-profit industry. I would imagine if the men who are buying these pills didn’t have someone equally interested in the results, there wouldn’t be so many sales of it. However, Viagra and the like are not live saving medications and proceedures funded by federal grants and programs.

Men *die* of suicide at 4 to 5 times the rate of women. Most of these are post divorce men who have lost their families. Could be there’s something wrong, here. Suicide is the 8th leading cause for death for US men, rising as we age. r**e of men and domestic violence against men is grossly under reported, punishment of perpetrators is even more rare, with significantly higher stigmas for male victims.

There’s a womenshealth.gov, run by the US department of Health and Human Services. There is not a menshealth.gov

(Cancer, no matter what the source, is awful. I don’t mean to diminish anyone’s suffering. My heart goes out to anyone suffering, and their families)

For what it’s worth, I’m a custodial dad. My ex was a stay at home alcoholic who greeted me at the door everyday with more grief and stress. Even considering the cost of daycare, which is huge, I’m still able to live within my means, generate 1/5th of the trash (with two kids)

Given all of the grief that my ex caused through years of divorce proceedings and 2 post divorce suits, I can say with certainty that I will NEVER put myself in that situation again.

Anyone man who gets married in this legal and social climate is an idiot. Please, learn from my experience, and stay the hell away from it. Beg and plead big pharma for a male birth control pill, and if you’re in your 40′s, for god’s sake, get a vasectomy. Please write your congressmen to reform child custody practices and child support obligations. End Alimony! There’s a tough road ahead, since the state has a financial interest in perpetuating the problem.

I know there are women out there who’ve made a good faith investment in their families, in whatever capacity they can. I’m genuinely happy for you. I know there are women who have done the same, only to have the rug yanked out from them. I’m sorry, I would have loved to have been in such a relationship and honor that committment, no matter what the devision of labor. I’ve been burned twice now, and there will not be a third time.

Ella on
August 1st, 2008 8:08 am

You make an interesting point. I am in fact a working mother whose husband chose, in fact begged, to stay at home with our year-old baby. I am glad to be at work as I have 6 more years education than my husband and make 2x his income. But we have suffered serious flak from friends and relatives who think this is strange…I ask, if we are both happy what’s the f*****g problem? Whose business is it? My kid gets a parent at home, we have enough money to pay the mortgage period.

Sliver on
August 24th, 2008 12:15 am

Wayne, as a woman, I am so incredibly sorry for what has happened to you.

Did you know there is someone right now in willing to cheat on their spouse to have fun with you?

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