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$$$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$OJ$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$ Issue #28: Bonus Points for Scorn and Derision $$$$$$$$$$$
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A Prayer To J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
vocals: Saint Janor Hypercleets
bass: Pope Keckhaver Sternodox
guitar: $aint @ndrew
Oh Dobbs, canst thou not hear my plea
In my utter 'umbleness
for Lo! Dobbs, I am nothing but a loathsome piece of shit
before thy ultimate and divine power
who smoketh the pipe of infinity, the pipe of the universe
Can I not be washed in the smoke of the pipe?
Hereth my request that Lo,
I humbly beseech thee, Dobbs, that in thy justice
in thy infinite mercy and righteousness that thou might allow me
infinite power over all other living beings in the universe
And, Dobbs, I humbly beseech thee that I might be allowed to control
the food source for all nations on earth in order that every person in
every country in every city in every town and every neighborhood might
find it necessary to kiss my ass in order to obtain food, their
mininimum daily requirements for nutrition for that day...
And Dobbs, I do humbly request that Lo!
every woman on earth, without exception
(except those who don't meet my taste specifications)
and those that are over seventeen years of age
be made into my sexual slaves, Dobbs.
I might be granted deaf ears to turn to all other males, Dobbs
so that I in fact won't, how shall we say, in the vernacular, give a shit
about the jealous cries of all other males O Dobbs
After I enslave all other women, and Dobbs,
from the beginning of time, mankind has had a vision
a vision of all men, of all nationalities, of races, of all four sexes
coming together and joining hands, and singing together in harmony
And Dobbs, I humbly request that you just totally ignore this vision
because it has absolutely no interest to me whatsoever.
And Dobbs, I selflessly, humbly request that you instead
by ignoring this vision you'll be able to channel more of your psychic
and spiritual energy into my selfish requests
And Dobbs, if I had but one wish for mankind it would be this:
That I would be able to just blow off the whole "one wish" fairy-tale syndrome
and instead that I would have an infinity of wishes and I'd never have to
exist in some kind of storybook reality where a guy gets a pudding stuck on
his god-damn nose or something like that
or some kind of bullshit or something
And O Dobbs, furthermore, I request that
Humbly Dobbs, I beseech thee on bended knee
looking up to you as the true and one and only source of wisdom
I humbly request that I be allowed to replace Ye and that it shall be me
that smoketh the pipe of knowledge and it be thee
that standeth on bended knee before me begging mercy
before me, in which case, I'd just laugh in your face, Dobbs.
I'd turn you down even though it was ye who granted me this power
in the first place,
and Lo! Dobbs,
I request that I be able to merge with the concept of hate
that I might in fact become one with hate
and Lo! Dobbs, that the concept of conscience be strucken from my mind
that I would never again be able to feel guilt,
and Lo! the word guilt be struck from my vocabulary
So that I could never feel guilt for demanding any of these selfish things.
Oh just little things, like power over all things in the universe...
And Lo! Dobbs, I request that..."
music fades.
$aint @ndrew OGYR NETWORK PO BOX 53 PLAINFIELD IL. 60544
(saint_andrew@anl.gov) (stumattheand@vax.colsf.edu)
(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)
Swingin' Love Corpses on Tour
pdrummond@aol.com (PDrummond)
As with most great bands, the Swingin' Love Corpses never remain in
the same place for very long. Restless, adventuresome spirits,
acknowledged giants in the field of improvisational music, men known
in the industry as musician's musicians, they have constantly
explored new avenues and new outlets for the incessant dynamics of
their music. This has never been more true than on their latest
cassette tape release, Last Tango in Pinckneyville. Again, the
Corpses have taken yet another unexpected turn and come up with one
of the most surprising, innovative, beautiful creations of their
amazing career.
It's been said that the Swingin' Love Corpses music is essentially
cinematic, music of mood and emotion, and their soundtrack album for
Scumsucker III: The Dominatrician is considered an enduring classic
of the genre. And while their music is always alive and new, moving
from free-form to a rich familiarity of soul 'n funk, it has never
lost the driving, irresistible root of frap-a-billy that is at the
very heart of the collective creative genius of these Po'Bucker-born
masters.
Last Tango in Pinckneyville opens with a wonderfully sensual, breezy
yet inspirationally poignant reading of Gibbon's "Rise and Fall of
the Roman Empire". The song grows and builds to include a disco
backup vocal--the first of many innovations on this cassette. The
Corpses music has never been more immediately accessible, and their
delivery throughout on Last Tango in Pinckneyville carries a powerful
impulse that forces the listener to get up and dance. The cassette is
highlighted by three new Sphinx Drummond songs: "Scotch Tape
Dispenser Blues", "Somatic Discourses on Cerebral Bi-cameralism", and
"Funky Back-Seat Mama." On "Scotch Tape Dispenser Blues" they're
joined by their longtime friend, Sterno, and in expressing his
delight with the outcome of their subtle and intricate collaboration,
Philo said: "The fact that Sterno played on "Scotch Tape Dispenser
Blues" proved to me that dreams really do come true."
The Corpses 1994 Tour Management Team, TEAM CORPSE headed by S.L.A.K.
squad leader, Sphinx Drummond, will kick off this year's World Tour
the weekend of July 15-17 in Atlanta, GA. at Dragon-Con/Atlanta
Comics Expo.
The Corpses, well known for their highly produced shows heavily laden
with costumes, props, and audience participation, are equally well
known for their cleverly crafted original songs and unusual
renditions of other people's music. Their lyric sense straddles the
fine line between genius and insanity never betraying either extreme.
Their music has been described as "sort of like a cross between Sun
Ra, Zappa, and Abba."
"You never know what to expect at a Corpses show," said Ivan Stang of
the SubGenius Foundation, "Once they appeared as Rock Stars in the
Heavy Metal sense with all the flash and effects, and the next time
they showed up as improvisational jazz masters with goatees and
sunglasses." The Corpses continue to astound and mystify their
audiences. Some have described their live shows as more akin to a
"performance art" project rather than the average run-of-the-mill
rock extravaganza. On-stage, the Corpses have an unusual knack for
lowering the customary barriers which separate the artists from the
audience. Their on-stage banter and improvisational comedic interplay
with the attendees promote a party-like atmosphere which blurs the
distinction between band and audience.
The Swingin' Love Corpses have streamlined their lineup which at one
time had swollen to nine members, down to a five-piece combo. After
eight years together, the enigmatic Swingin' Love Corpses still
remain a mystery to the most of mainstream and alternative music
fans. However, their tapes have been heard around the world. China,
Russia, The Netherlands, are but a few of the distant outposts that
have been exposed to what has become known as, "The Swingin' Love
Corpse Experience". In the behind-the-scene music circles they are
well known as a musician's band, playing backup and doing session
work for some of the biggest names in the business. (At this time,
contractual commitments prevent us from mentioning any names). Having
achieved international fame as the "A-Number One" premier band of the
Church of the SubGenius, the Corpses have played to packed houses and
rave reviews in St. Louis, Chicago, Memphis, Atlanta and others
places.
A true genre busting band, the range of their material is too vast to
pin down with any traditional labels. While most of their music is
traditionally structured, the Corpses thrive on blowing away the
barriers that hold the structure together. Their music has been
described at various times as Industrial-Gospel, Acid Blues Polka,
Surf-House, Psycho-Hillbilly, Mystery-Jazz, and even Anti-Music.
Nuances of Punk, Swing, Avant-Garde, Rap, Folk and Glitter-Rock
eventually find their way into most shows.
$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$-$$
>I HEAR you. I hear you saying you don't like Kibo. [...]
In a way, I perceive the Xibo pure essence of anti-Kibo is more than just
an antithesis. Yacatisma flux sundered the original *ibo into two distinct
hemispheres, forever condemning them to nattering pee-shy pseudo-antagonism.
They occupy this plane forever; yea, unto the end of this era and beyond!
>>You alone are bad enough, but then we get xibo who follows-up every goddamn
>>article simply to contradict you.
Heloise's Hint #13013: to avoid a nasty duality inversion, keep mirrors
away from workstation operators. NUXI! KibobiX! Do I win the prize?
>>"You're not allowed." But what do we call it?
>alt.kibology?
>alt.xibology?
>alt.ibos?
alt.shish-kibob
C'mon, RANT! RANT LIKE YOUR VERY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, AS IT MAY VERY WELL!
FREE-WHEELIN', SQUIRTIN' 'N OOZIN' GUT BLOWOUT!!!!! PUT SOME HIGH-OCTANE
SUPER-LITERACY INTO THAT WIMP-DICK LITTLE WORKSTATION OF YOURS AND GET
DOWN TO IT!!!! YOU THINK THIS IS SOME KINDA SUNDAY SCHOOL SING-ALONG?
YOU WANNA BE A TOO-EARLY POTTY-TRAINED FASTIDIOUS WANNABE-BOBBIE-B'ZARRO?
OF FUCKING COURSE NOT! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! MY LEGS ARE ON FIRE! HOLD ON
TO ME, I'M LEVITATING! I SET OFF FOURTEEN-HOUR ORGASMS IN OVER TWELVE HUNDRED
SPECIES IN A THIRTY KILOMETER RADIUS WHEN I OPEN A CAN OF TUNA! MY LEFT BRAIN
IS PLUGGED INTO THE INTERNET; MY RIGHT-BRAIN IS A GODZILLION GIGABYTE OPTICAL
ARCHIVE OF EVERY CARTOON EVER PRODUCED AND YET TO BE IN THE FUTURE! I SURVIVE
ON A DIET OF DIOXIN AND COCOA-PUFFS, AND WASH IT DOWN WITH CLOROX 'N TEQUILA!
I LIKE MY WOMEN TWELVE AT A TIME, AND WHEN I GET THRU THEY GET BACK IN LINE!
RATTLESNAKES SEE ME COMIN', THEY SHED THEIR SKINS, LUBRICATE 'EM, AND ROLL
'EM UP - AND LEAVE THE RATTLES FOR EXTRA STIMULATION! I TOOK THE MAIL-ORDER
KIBOLOGY PACKAGE KIBO *DIDN'T* SEND ME, EXTRAPOLATED THE GOOD PARTS INTO A
SCIENCE, AND USED THE TECHNOLOGY TO BLOW THE PUBLIC ACCESS WORKSTATION LAB
OFF THE FACE OF NORTH AMERIKA! HELL, I GOT WOMEN FLOCKING IN DROVES FROM
NEW YORK/BOSTON/BERKELEY WEARIN' LSD-SOAKED EDIBLE PANTIES 'N BEARING GIFTS
OF SUPERCOMPUTERS AND DIRTY PAMPHLETS! THE MUTANT HORDES I SIRE FROM THESE
TECHNO SHE-BITCHES ARE HOLED UP IN THE VALLEY OF LIGHT IN NORTHWESTERN
ARKANSAS, WAITIN' FOR JUDGEMENT DAY OR A GOOD $1 CIGAR! I DRIVE A STEAMROLLER
TO WORK; I FUEL MY ELEVATOR WITH HYDRAZINE AND LOX! MY DESK IS A FOURTH
DIMENSIONAL TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM EXTENDING TO THE END OF THE UNIVERSE, AND
I STILL DON'T PUNCH A TIME CLOCK! YUPPIE NEW-AGE FANATICS FROM THE YEAR
2475 ARE CHANNELLING *ME* FOR ADVICE IN LOVE, SALES, AND GOOD SEX! WHEN I
FART IN THE WINTER, SKATERS FALL THRU THE FLASH-MELTED ICE! DON'T BELIEVE
ME; MY WORDS ARE ALL LIES, AND ARE THE BASIS FOR ALL KNOWN MYTHOLOGIES
AND PORNOGRAPHY VIGNETTES! I EAT RAZOR BLADES FOR DESSERT, AND SHIT
TITANIUM RIBBONS FOR THIRD-WORLD SPACE PROJECTS! CLIVE BARKER AND STEVEN
KING BROKE DOWN AN' STARTED CRYIN' AND SINGIN' NURSERY RHYMES WHEN THEY
GOT A LOAD OF MY EEG'S! I STARCH MY UNDERWEAR WITH SUPERGLUE AND GROUND
GLASS PARTICLES! I TWIDDLE MY TOES IN MOLTEN MAGMA AND WIGGLE MY EARS IN
THE VAN ALLEN BELT! I BEAT THE HYDRA IN A STARING MATCH AND USED HER
HAIR FOR FISH BAIT! I CAUGHT GODZILLA IN ONE CAST, AND THREW HIM BACK
TO GO GET HIS BIG BROTHER!
....whew....
#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#=#
COMICS TO SAVE YOUR SOUL BY
*** Amazing Strips #4 - Manga-style cartoon combining a rock-n-roll band,
japanese spirits and ghosts, and lots of sex, at least to the degree that
is allowed in Japan (no pubic hair, explicit genitalia, and other strange
and inconsistent taboos). Venus Comics.
*** Artistic Licentiousness #2, by Roberta Gregory - A look at the lives of
cartoonists, and the screwed up relationships they are into. A lesbian who
had a fling with the male cartoonist living downstairs, which leads to all
kinds of misunderstandings and tensions between the lesbian couple, the guy,
and his gay friend. Lots of interesting problems and questions were set up,
but not much was resolved, except for various bits of escapism into their
cartoons. Comix Bitch.
*** Beavis and Butthead #6 - This summer issue has the boys at the water
park from Hell. Not a whole lot of action, though, and the usual banal
banter is getting a bit worn-out. The practical jokes page, things to do at
the beach, is probably the best such section to date. Marvel Comics.
**** Bondage Fairies #3 - More adult-fantasy manga, this one with fairies and
assorted creatures. Very explicit and much, much hotter than Amazing Strips,
this one hasa lot of bondage, some s/m, and very steamy scenes. In this one,
a captive fairy is tortured with drugs which make her horney. Venus Comics
*** Carnal Comics #2 - The story of Sarah-Jane Hamilton, part 2 - Sarah
continues with her story of how she got into the porno business, including
getting into the LA scene, and her experiences in the "industry". She likes
to make very high-class movies, and absolutely demands that she be in control-
and the result is quality. Plus, her historical fantasies, and pictorials.
Extremely explicit, but no violence nor gore. Revolutionary Comics.
**** Damnation, by J.R. Williams - collection of various strips and stories by
J.R. Williams, including the "Bad Boys", perverted sexual adventures, religious
caricatures aimed directly at the Religious Right, plus the contents of an
early collaboration with Peter Bagge, "Eat Shit Or Die". Lots of good stuff
here- don't miss the pure slack intro piece. Fantagraphics Books.
***** Drama - The first real continuation of Cry For Dawn since the less-than-
friendly parting betwen Joseph Michael Linsner and Joe Monks. This is a
radical departure from the regular CFD books- this one starts to delve directly
into the strange and often confusing metaphysical nature of Dawn herself. She
is revealed to be the goddess of birth and rebirth, and is woven into a tale
with Ahura Mazda, Lucifer, Death, and an "everyman" character from New York.
Full color, with tons of the great pictures of Dawn and the other characters
that made this particular story line famous. Sirius Entertainment Inc.
*** Duplex Planet Illustrated #8 - More stories from the rest home, this batch
was a bit more interesting than most. Drawings by Dave Cooper, Wayno, Chan,
Pat Moriarty, George Parsons, and many more. Good issue of this series, much
better than the average. Fantagraphics Books.
**** Eightball #13 - A descent into societal and relational hopelessness
guided by Daniel Clowes. He does a great one-page commentary using Peter
Bagge's characters Buddy Bradley, Lisa, and Stinkey, plus stories of hopeless
roommates, depressing critiques of possible relationships with different types
of girls, and another episode of "Ghost World", which is developing into a
continuous, coherent story instead of a single strip. Fantagraphics Books.
**** Flowers on the Razorwire - Two stories, plus the "Jesus Crispies" cartoon
by Mike Diana make up this twisted horror/gore comic; like all other Boneyard
Press books, this one doesn't pull any punches. Vampire/cannibal British
troops attack a rebel revolutionary camp, slaughter and eat the patriots. The
ultimate asshole macho guy, his hooker girlfriend and militant jesus freaks
become pawns in a sick cosmic game when Jesus visits a band of demons. Not
for the easily offended or sickened. Boneyard Press.
**** Galaxias #2 - In a strange combination of Macross, H.R. Giger, and Mars
Needs Women, this story is about a mutant race that is abducting humans
in order to regenerate their mutated DNA, and the Transformer-like human
space fleet doing battle with them. Naturally, this involves massive
orgies with weird aliens and each other, and everyone is naked. There's
a weird sexual shape to *everything*. Very original, and not a bad story.
Rip Off Press.
*** Horny Biker Slut #8 - The biker slut rescues a pregnant girl from the
streets and lets her stay in the apartment with the roommates. After a hot
and heavy session, they decide to get back at the creep who knocked her up and
left. Plus, HBS strips by D.B. Velveeda, Scott Phillips, and others, very
similar to the way that different artists do their interpretations in Cherry's
Jubilee. Extremely explicit cartoons. Last Gasp Comics.
*** Infectious, by Kevin Eastman - Strange gory, tale of an apocalyptic, low-
life city. When a hooker is killed, she is inhabited by an evil spirit/demon
which makes her immortal, and she goes on a killing spree with her customers.
A former lover, who recognizes her, manages to drive out the demon and lets
her die, but when he is killed, the demon continues in his body. Fantaco.
*** The Iron Devil, by Frank Thorne - In probably one of the most explicit
comics yet seen from Frank Thorne, he recycles the Moonbeam girl; the plot
revolves around orgies with demons- a popular one these days. Somewhat
confusing, but great artwork. No gore, despite the genre. Eros Comics.
*** Itchy & Scratchy #3 - When Scratchy quits the movies, a string of new
co-stars just isn't the same for Itchy. So, Itchy sets out to sabotage all
of Scratchy's new jobs, and trick him into coming back to the studio. Plus,
due to a strange energy field in the TV, Itchy and Scratchy come to real life,
and wreak havoc on the Simpson household, leaving Bart and Lisa to explain
the massive damage. Bongo Comics.
*** Killjoy #0 - A couple of fairly short, but extremely violent and gory
tales of (nude, of course) demonic women who kill their lovers. In the first,
an innocent and proper girl has terrifying dreams of becoming such a monster,
and is transformed by using her equally proper boyfriend. In "Tiffany", such
a woman attracts the attention of an ancient and evil rival. Produced in the
heart of Jesse Helms country by London Night Studios.
**** Lowlife #4 - Ed Brubaker's tales from the Slacker world continue. In
this one, Tommy tries to deal with, and breaks up with, his girlfriend who
screws around on him. Its a sad commentary on how the current generation is
trying to break out of the bullshit laid down for them by their parents, but
more often than not, history repeats itself. Plus, tales of living on the
cheap, and a look at his friend Felix. Does more to explain the angst and
feeling of "Generation X" than all the books combined. AEON.
*** Naughty Bits #5 - In this comic by Roberta Gregory, one of her more
colorful characters, Bitchy Bitch, takes on men and the whole sexual harassment
issue. She has to deal with a creep that she went out with once from a singles
ad, and now he works at the same place she does, and is bugging her. I didn't
see it as much as a male-bashing issue, as much as dealing with assholes and
creeps of either gender, as well as other problems. Fantagraphics Books.
*** Negative Burn #11 - Cover by Moebius. Great stories in this one: "We Can
Get It for you Wholesale", plus another episode of the Twilight People. Plus,
more Classics Desecrated, one of them by Matt Feazell, creator of the Cynical
Man mini-comics. Also, Mr. Mamoulian, sketchbooks, and more. Caliber Press.
*** Ren & Stimpy #21 - Stimpy decides to act like a real cat, instead of
walking upright and living in a house. Plus, Ren becomes paranoid that a
piece of space junk from Skylab will fall on him and kill him. The stories
were almost good enough for a regular episode. Too many ads. Marvel Comics.
*** The Tick: Karma Tornado #4 - While flying around the universe doing travel
reports for the Nigh-Omnipotus, Tick learns that his boss is actually a
genocidal monster who eats planets. After confronting him, the Tick is left
on his own planet, and Nigh-Omnipotus destroys himself. New England Comics.
**** Zap Comix #13 - New comics by Richard Crumb, S. Clay Wilson, Gilbert
Shelton, Robert Williams, and more. Crumb does a brief autobiography, which
sheds a lot of light on his work. Other strips are a mix of the wild counter-
cultural themes and outrageous artwork. Last Gasp.
---------------------
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
Deadly Beer Can Conspiracy
--------------------------
Subliminal persuasion through backwards masking is a technique through
which a subliminal message (a message which imprints itself directly on
the subconcious mind) is planted, usually in music. When played backwards,
the message is revealed.
On the side of every beer can is the warning: "According To The
Surgeon General, Women Should Not Drink Alcoholic Beverages During
Pregnancy Because Of The Risk Of Birth Defects." But did you know that
it contains a subliminal message?
Using high-tech computer equipment, a friend and I recorded the warning. We
then played it backwards. To our suprise we found a hidden message: "Michigan".
What could be the signifigance of this message?
Budweiser beer is made with rice, like saki, instead of barley like good
American beers. We believe that this is all part of a plot by Japanese
corporations to destroy the American automobile industry, which is based in
Michigan. Through the "Don't drink and drive" campaign, a subliminal
connection between beer and cars was formed in the consiousness of the
American people. Then, by subverting our beer, the Japanese could also
crush our automobile industry!
What can you do?
Write to the FBI and CIA and demand they investigate this matter further.
Also write to the Pentagon and demand military strikes against Japan.
Remember Pearl Harbor!
Dave Palmer
OJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJ
Sacrifices to the New World Order PO Box:
Juggling with Slack - The Church of the Great Juggle shows us how the Path to
Slack is very similar to juggling, and has a detailed and illustrated pamphlet
teaching you precisely how to juggle nearly anything. Send for yours today;
no price listed, but $1 or so wouldn't hurt. Church of the Great Juggle,
2002-A Guadalupe #623, Austin, TX 78705
Strange, But True News - This zine is precisely as the title implies, real
news stories that actually happened, and as usual, truth is much stranger than
fiction. Fun little things that your next-door neighbors JUST MIGHT be doing
include: sleeping with the dead, gouging out eyeballs to exorcise demons,
commercially endorsing Tonya Harding (TONYA!!!), playing with human skulls, or
fooling the public with ClintonSpeak. Its funny how much stupidity and strange-
ness come directly from the boys in blue. This is a great barometer to gauge
the amount of weirdness and insanity in the world, and there's no shortage.
1 year (12 issues) is only $13 and $2 for a sample copy- mention you read this
in HToMC and get it for $1. SEND HIM YOUR WEIRD NEWS CLIPPING!!!!
Here's the address which was stolen by space goblins from the last issue:
SBTN 7522 Campbell Road, Suite 113, Room 162, Dallas, TX 75248
Riverside Art Scene - A strange mixture of sick humor, warped cultural icons,
conspiracies, regurgitated and warped nightmares from Catholic school, and
countless other demented topics, plus reviews. Not a square millimeter is
wasted, with more artwork, collages, drawings, and assorted strangeness than
publications ten times the size- lots of good stuff in a small package, that
takes a while to absorb completely. Highly recommended. They not only trade
zines, but weird and underground videos as well, and have their own local
cable access TV show. No price listed, but send a trade or a buck or so to:
Ski-Mask, Riverside Art Scene, PO Box 638, Kenmore, NY 14217
Xenon vol. 1 issue 3 - Not exactly a riot grrrl zine, this one obviously
shows things from a girls point of view, although they do touch on some other
topics. They also have lots of recipes- the ones for Beer Bread sounds
pretty good, and the others made me hungry. Send a stamp and a quarter, or at
least a couple of stamps, to: Monet, 161 Via de Laurencio, Chula Vista CA 91910
Sniper's Nest #1 - From the fringes of the conspiracy watchers to anything
interesting, this is a collection of hard-hitting "bullets" into the heart of
the conspiracy. I particularly liked the one questioning the need for
militarism as a government policy, though I have to admit that I reserve some
doubts on some of the other articles which paint business and "property" as
evils. Nevertheless, the varied mix makes for interesting reading. Send a
trade, or 3 stamps, or $1 to: CN c/o Trevor Rigler, PO Box 2351,
Galveston TX 77553-2351
Snuff It - The Quarterly Journal of the Church of Euthanasia - Its hard not to
like an organization whose pillars are suicide, abortion, cannibalism, and
sodomy. What do those have in common? They are means of lowering the
population. There's some good points here; there is also a healthy dose of
urban guerilla warfare in what they self-describe as Dada in action: they have
great "Save the Earth - Kill Yourself" bumper stickers, and have wreaked havoc
on the "normal" environmentalist/animal rights/etc crowds by infiltrating their
marches. Lots of fun here. Get 6 issues of Snuff It for $10, or join the
church for $20 and get a lifetime subscription. They have strange music,
T-shirts and other goodies. Kevorkian Records, PO Box 261, Somerville, MA 02143
Spare R.I.B.S. #7 - Thick zine full of absorbing articles on individualism,
freedom, and blasting censorship, the war on drugs, and other government
actions more fitting a dictatorship than a free nation. Tons of intellectual
ammunition, including parts of John Galt's speech. Not just armchair debate,
this touches on real-life entanglements and battles against the bureaucracy.
Plus reviews, poetry, and artwork. Try to send something, at least $1 to:
David Kennerly, 2329 Glascock St. Raleigh, NC 27610
Eat or Die #4 - Wild strangeness, with tons of discordant images, text; most
pages are surreal artwork collages. Also has lots of cartoons- it continues
the "Birdie" the cat story, plus the tale of the museum murders. Twenty-
some-odd pages of weirdness for only $2 to P. Santo, 230 Avenue B, Apartment 4,
Bayonne, NJ 07002 [and thanks for the mini-comic!]
Prometheus Books - Summer 1994 catalog - Tons of great books, from debunkers
and skeptics, to secular humanists, Jack Kevorkian, to books on just about
every social issue imagineable. Considerable effort is put forth to counter
any and all nonsense, regardless of the source, and there are few sources more
complete than this. (800) 421-0351 59 John Glenn Dr. Amherst, NY 14228-2197
Probosco #1 - Very strange and unusual comics, where the "characters" look
like vertical pipes, with a nose pipe going horizontally. They do all sorts
of absurd things to and with each other, Lots of fun, and completely original.
Send $1 and a stamp or two to: Probosco, PO Box 1041, Berkeley, CA 94701
Mongoloid Moose #5 - Musings and interesting things, this issue contains 101
*other* things that can get you flogged in Singapore, movie reviews, odd
thoughts, and miscellaneous adventures. A window on the strange world of
overworked but fun-loving students who secretly desire to be super heroes.
Don't we all? Definitely worth a buck or anything neat you can stuff into
an envelope to: Scott Wilson, PO Box 642, Bloomfield NJ 07003
Derogatory References #78 - This is Arthur Hlavaty's musing and adventures,
primarily in various literature and related conferences and conventions that
he attends, but it does wander from the topic and offers ideas and comments
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Your Freedom #5 - Concerned with how to regain part of your freedom in this
increasingly totalitarian and controlled society, this issue has some good
articles on the absurdity of gun control, workplace monitoring that turns
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voluntary, and more. Lots of hard-edged anger here, and every bit of it is
totally justified. $2 each, subscription for $18 check or $14 cash to:
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Smite #4 - Slackful articles on recycled movie ideas, woman trouble, the untold
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things. I agree with everything he says, no lie. $1, although he's cutting
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STUFF from NENSLO is available for only $1 to New Realisation Fellowship,
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is over now, send it anyway.
Bellows of Self - volume III No. 1 - Dedicated to freedom of expression, or to
"bellow" in whatever manner you deem appropriate, regardless of any "PC",
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Comrade Clinton and gang, and other unfettered expression. Submissions are
greatly encouraged. Many pages for only $1: Bellows of Self, PO Box 17285,
Salt Lake City, UT 84124
Slab -O- Concrete - Small press, comics, magaines, and weird stuff distributor
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ManPower - vol. 1 #1 - In a reaction against the radical feminist agenda that
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out against the "take daughters to work day", in that sons aren't encouraged
to do the same, and are browbeaten and humiliated for offenses they didn't
commit, except for being male. Plus, other stories and articles along the
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Interesting! #2 - Everything that the editor thinks is interesting. Since he
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FROM CROSSBOWS TO CRYPTOGRAPHY: TECHNO-THWARTING THE STATE
by Chuck Hammill
Given at the Future of Freedom Conference, November 1987
Public Domain: Duplicate and Distribute Freely
You know, technology-- and particularly computer
technology--has often gotten a bad rap in Libertarian cir-
cles. We tend to think of Orwell's 1984, or Terry Gilliam's
Brazil, or the proximity detectors keeping East Berlin's
slave/citizens on their own side of the border, or the so-
phisticated bugging devices Nixon used to harass those on
his "enemies list." Or, we recognize that for the price of
a ticket on the Concorde we can fly at twice the speed of
sound, but only if we first walk thru a magnetometer run by
a government policeman, and permit him to paw thru our be-
longings if it beeps.
But I think that mind-set is a mistake. Before there
were cattle prods, governments tortured their prisoners with
clubs and rubber hoses. Before there were lasers for
eavesdropping, governments used binoculars and lip-readers.
Though government certainly uses technology to oppress, the
evil lies not in the tools but in the wielder of the tools.
In fact, technology represents one of the most promis-
ing avenues available for re-capturing our freedoms from
those who have stolen them. By its very nature, it favors
the bright (who can put it to use) over the dull (who can-
not). It favors the adaptable (who are quick to see the
merit of the new( over the sluggish (who cling to time-
tested ways). And what two better words are there to de-
scribe government bureaucracy than "dull" and "sluggish"?
One of the clearest, classic triumphs of technology
over tyranny I see is the invention of the man-portable
crossbow. With it, an untrained peasant could now reliably
and lethally engage a target out to fifty meters--even if
that target were a mounted, chain-mailed knight. (Unlike
the longbow, which, admittedly was more powerful, and could
get off more shots per unit time, the crossbow required no
formal training to utilize. Whereas the longbow required
elaborate visual, tactile and kinesthetic coordination to
achieve any degree of accuracy, the wielder of a crossbow
could simply put the weapon to his shoulder, sight along the
arrow itself, and be reasonably assured of hitting his tar-
get.)
Moreover, since just about the only mounted knights
likely to visit your average peasant would be government
soldiers and tax collectors, the utility of the device was
plain: With it, the common rabble could defend themselves
not only against one another, but against their governmental
masters. It was the medieval equivalent of the armor-
piercing bullet, and, consequently, kings and priests (the
medieval equivalent of a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
Crossbows) threatened death and excommunication, respec-
tively, for its unlawful possession.
Looking at later developments, we see how technology
like the firearm--particularly the repeating rifle and the
handgun, later followed by the Gatling gun and more advanced
machine guns--radically altered the balance of interpersonal
and inter-group power. Not without reason was the Colt .45
called "the equalizer." A frail dance-hall hostess with one
in her possession was now fully able to protect herself
against the brawniest roughneck in any saloon. Advertise-
ments for the period also reflect the merchandising of the
repeating cartridge rifle by declaring that "a man on
horseback, armed with one of these rifles, simply cannot be
captured." And, as long as his captors were relying upon
flintlocks or single-shot rifles, the quote is doubtless a
true one.
Updating now to the present, the public-key cipher
(with a personal computer to run it) represents an equiv-
alent quantum leap--in a defensive weapon. Not only can
such a technique be used to protect sensitive data in one's
own possession, but it can also permit two strangers to ex-
change information over an insecure communications
channel--a wiretapped phone line, for example, or
skywriting, for that matter)--without ever having previously
met to exchange cipher keys. With a thousand-dollar com-
puter, you can create a cipher that a multi-megabuck CRAY
X-MP can't crack in a year. Within a few years, it should
be economically feasible to similarly encrypt voice communi-
cations; soon after that, full-color digitized video images.
Technology will not only have made wiretapping obsolete, it
will have totally demolished government's control over in-
formation transfer.
I'd like to take just a moment to sketch the mathemat-
ics which makes this principle possible. This algorithm is
called the RSA algorithm, after Rivest, Shamir, and Adleman
who jointly created it. Its security derives from the fact
that, if a very large number is the product of two very
large primes, then it is extremely difficult to obtain the
two prime factors from analysis of their product. "Ex-
tremely" in the sense that if primes p and q have 100
digits apiece, then their 200-digit product cannot in gen-
eral be factored in less than 100 years by the most powerful
computer now in existence.
The "public" part of the key consists of (1) the prod-
uct pq of the two large primes p and q, and (2) one fac-
tor, call it x , of the product xy where xy = {(p-1) *
(q-1) + 1}. The "private" part of the key consists of the
other factor y.
Each block of the text to be encrypted is first turned
into an integer--either by using ASCII, or even a simple
A=01, B=02, C=03, ... , Z=26 representation. This integer
is then raised to the power x (modulo pq) and the resulting
integer is then sent as the encrypted message. The receiver
decrypts by taking this integer to the (secret) power y
(modulo pq). It can be shown that this process will always
yield the original number started with.
What makes this a groundbreaking development, and why
it is called "public-key" cryptography," is that I can
openly publish the product pq and the number x , while
keeping secret the number y --so that anyone can send me
an encrypted message, namely
x
a (mod pq) ,
but only I can recover the original message a , by taking
what they send, raising it to the power y and taking the
result (mod pq). The risky step (meeting to exchange cipher
keys) has been eliminated. So people who may not even trust
each other enough to want to meet, may still reliably ex-
change encrypted messages--each party having selected and
disseminated his own pq and his x , while maintaining
the secrecy of his own y .
Another benefit of this scheme is the notion of a "dig-
ital signature," to enable one to authenticate the source of
a given message. Normally, if I want to send you a message,
I raise my plaintext a to your x and take the result (mod
your pq) and send that.
However, if in my message, I take the plaintext a and
raise it to my (secret) power y , take the result (mod my
pq), then raise that result to your x (mod your pq) and
send this, then even after you have normally "decrypted" the
message, it will still look like garbage. However, if you
then raise it to my public power x , and take the result
(mod my public pq ), so you will not only recover the ori-
ginal plaintext message, but you will know that no one but I
could have sent it to you (since no one else knows my secret
y ).
And these are the very concerns by the way that are to-
day tormenting the Soviet Union about the whole question of
personal computers. On the one hand, they recognize that
American schoolchildren are right now growing up with com-
puters as commonplace as sliderules used to be--more so, in
fact, because there are things computers can do which will
interest (and instruct) 3- and 4-year-olds. And it is pre-
cisely these students who one generation hence will be going
head-to-head against their Soviet counterparts. For the
Soviets to hold back might be a suicidal as continuing to
teach swordsmanship while your adversaries are learning
ballistics. On the other hand, whatever else a personal
computer may be, it is also an exquisitely efficient copying
machine--a floppy disk will hold upwards of 50,000 words of
text, and can be copied in a couple of minutes. If this
weren't threatening enough, the computer that performs the
copy can also encrypt the data in a fashion that is all but
unbreakable. Remember that in Soviet society publicly ac-
cessible Xerox machines are unknown. (The relatively few
copying machines in existence are controlled more inten-
sively than machine guns are in the United States.)
Now the "conservative" position is that we should not
sell these computers to the Soviets, because they could use
them in weapons systems. The "liberal" position is that we
should sell them, in the interests of mutual trade and
cooperation--and anyway, if we don't make the sale, there
will certainly be some other nation willing to.
For my part, I'm ready to suggest that the Libertarian
position should be to give them to the Soviets for free, and
if necessary, make them take them . . . and if that doesn't
work load up an SR-71 Blackbird and air drop them over
Moscow in the middle of the night. Paid for by private sub-
scription, of course, not taxation . . . I confess that this
is not a position that has gained much support among members
of the conventional left-right political spectrum, but, af-
ter all, in the words of one of Illuminatus's characters, we
are political non-Euclideans: The shortest distance to a
particular goal may not look anything like what most people
would consider a "straight line." Taking a long enough
world-view, it is arguable that breaking the Soviet govern-
ment monopoly on information transfer could better lead to
the enfeeblement and, indeed, to the ultimate dissolution of
the Soviet empire than would the production of another dozen
missiles aimed at Moscow.
But there's the rub: A "long enough" world view does
suggest that the evil, the oppressive, the coercive and the
simply stupid will "get what they deserve," but what's not
immediately clear is how the rest of us can escape being
killed, enslaved, or pauperized in the process.
When the liberals and other collectivists began to at-
tack freedom, they possessed a reasonably stable, healthy,
functioning economy, and almost unlimited time to proceed to
hamstring and dismantle it. A policy of political
gradualism was at least conceivable. But now, we have
patchwork crazy-quilt economy held together by baling wire
and spit. The state not only taxes us to "feed the poor"
while also inducing farmers to slaughter milk cows and drive
up food prices--it then simultaneously turns around and sub-
sidizes research into agricultural chemicals designed to in-
crease yields of milk from the cows left alive. Or witness
the fact that a decline in the price of oil is considered as
potentially frightening as a comparable increase a few years
ago. When the price went up, we were told, the economy
risked collapse for for want of energy. The price increase
was called the "moral equivalent of war" and the Feds swung
into action. For the first time in American history, the
speed at which you drive your car to work in the morning be-
came an issue of Federal concern. Now, when the price of
oil drops, again we risk problems, this time because Ameri-
can oil companies and Third World basket-case nations who
sell oil may not be able to ever pay their debts to our
grossly over-extended banks. The suggested panacea is that
government should now re-raise the oil prices that OPEC has
lowered, via a new oil tax. Since the government is seeking
to raise oil prices to about the same extent as OPEC did,
what can we call this except the "moral equivalent of civil
war--the government against its own people?"
And, classically, in international trade, can you imag-
ine any entity in the world except a government going to
court claiming that a vendor was selling it goods too
cheaply and demanding not only that that naughty vendor be
compelled by the court to raise its prices, but also that it
be punished for the act of lowering them in the first place?
So while the statists could afford to take a couple of
hundred years to trash our economy and our liberties--we
certainly cannot count on having an equivalent period of
stability in which to reclaim them. I contend that there
exists almost a "black hole" effect in the evolution of
nation-states just as in the evolution of stars. Once free-
dom contracts beyond a certain minimum extent, the state
warps the fabric of the political continuum about itself to
the degree that subsequent re-emergence of freedom becomes
all but impossible. A good illustration of this can be seen
in the area of so-called "welfare" payments. When those who
sup at the public trough outnumber (and thus outvote) those
whose taxes must replenish the trough, then what possible
choice has a democracy but to perpetuate and expand the tak-
ing from the few for the unearned benefit of the many? Go
down to the nearest "welfare" office, find just two people
on the dole . . . and recognize that between them they form
a voting bloc that can forever outvote you on the question
of who owns your life--and the fruits of your life's labor.
So essentially those who love liberty need an "edge" of
some sort if we're ultimately going to prevail. We obvi-
ously can't use the altruists' "other-directedness" of
"work, slave, suffer, sacrifice, so that next generation of
a billion random strangers can live in a better world."
Recognize that, however immoral such an appeal might be, it
is nonetheless an extremely powerful one in today's culture.
If you can convince people to work energetically for a
"cause," caring only enough for their personal welfare so as
to remain alive enough and healthy enough to continue
working--then you have a truly massive reservoir of energy
to draw from. Equally clearly, this is just the sort of ap-
peal which tautologically cannot be utilized for egoistic or
libertarian goals. If I were to stand up before you tonight
and say something like, "Listen, follow me as I enunciate my
noble "cause," contribute your money to support the "cause,"
give up your free time to work for the "cause," strive
selflessly to bring it about, and then (after you and your
children are dead) maybe your children's children will actu-
ally live under egoism"--you'd all think I'd gone mad. And
of course you'd be right. Because the point I'm trying to
make is that libertarianism and/or egoism will be spread if,
when, and as, individual libertarians and/or egoists find it
profitable and/or enjoyable to do so. And probably only
then.
While I certainly do not disparage the concept of poli-
tical action, I don't believe that it is the only, nor even
necessarily the most cost-effective path toward increasing
freedom in our time. Consider that, for a fraction of the
investment in time, money and effort I might expend in try-
ing to convince the state to abolish wiretapping and all
forms of censorship--I can teach every libertarian who's in-
terested how to use cryptography to abolish them
unilaterally.
There is a maxim--a proverb--generally attributed to
the Eskimoes, which very likely most Libertarians have al-
ready heard. And while you likely would not quarrel with
the saying, you might well feel that you've heard it often
enough already, and that it has nothing further to teach us,
and moreover, that maybe you're even tired of hearing it. I
shall therefore repeat it now:
If you give a man a fish, the saying runs, you feed him
for a day. But if you teach a man how to fish, you feed him
for a lifetime.
Your exposure to the quote was probably in some sort of
a "workfare" vs. "welfare" context; namely, that if you
genuinely wish to help someone in need, you should teach him
how to earn his sustenance, not simply how to beg for it.
And of course this is true, if only because the next time he
is hungry, there might not be anybody around willing or even
able to give him a fish, whereas with the information on how
to fish, he is completely self sufficient.
But I submit that this exhausts only the first order
content of the quote, and if there were nothing further to
glean from it, I would have wasted your time by citing it
again. After all, it seems to have almost a crypto-altruist
slant, as though to imply that we should structure our ac-
tivities so as to maximize the benefits to such hungry
beggars as we may encounter.
But consider:
Suppose this Eskimo doesn't know how to fish, but he
does know how to hunt walruses. You, on the other hand,
have often gone hungry while traveling thru walrus country
because you had no idea how to catch the damn things, and
they ate most of the fish you could catch. And now suppose
the two of you decide to exchange information, bartering
fishing knowledge for hunting knowledge. Well, the first
thing to observe is that a transaction of this type
categorically and unambiguously refutes the Marxist premise
that every trade must have a "winner" and a "loser;" the
idea that if one person gains, it must necessarily be at the
"expense" of another person who loses. Clearly, under this
scenario, such is not the case. Each party has gained some-
thing he did not have before, and neither has been dimin-
ished in any way. When it comes to exchange of information
(rather than material objects) life is no longer a zero-sum
game. This is an extremely powerful notion. The "law of
diminishing returns," the "first and second laws of
thermodynamics"--all those "laws" which constrain our possi-
bilities in other contexts--no longer bind us! Now that's
anarchy!
Or consider another possibility: Suppose this hungry
Eskimo never learned to fish because the ruler of his
nation-state had decreed fishing illegal. Because fish
contain dangerous tiny bones, and sometimes sharp spines, he
tells us, the state has decreed that their consumption--and
even their possession--are too hazardous to the people's
health to be permitted . . . even by knowledgeable, willing
adults. Perhaps it is because citizens' bodies are thought
to be government property, and therefore it is the function
of the state to punish those who improperly care for govern-
ment property. Or perhaps it is because the state gener-
ously extends to competent adults the "benefits" it provides
to children and to the mentally ill: namely, a full-time,
all-pervasive supervisory conservatorship--so that they need
not trouble themselves with making choices about behavior
thought physically risky or morally "naughty." But, in any
case, you stare stupefied, while your Eskimo informant re-
lates how this law is taken so seriously that a friend of
his was recently imprisoned for years for the crime of "pos-
session of nine ounces of trout with intent to distribute."
Now you may conclude that a society so grotesquely
oppressive as to enforce a law of this type is simply an
affront to the dignity of all human beings. You may go far-
ther and decide to commit some portion of your discretion-
ary, recreational time specifically to the task of thwarting
this tyrant's goal. (Your rationale may be "altruistic" in
the sense of wanting to liberate the oppressed, or
"egoistic" in the sense of proving you can outsmart the
oppressor--or very likely some combination of these or per-
haps even other motives.)
But, since you have zero desire to become a martyr to
your "cause," you're not about to mount a military campaign,
or even try to run a boatload of fish through the blockade.
However, it is here that technology--and in particular in-
formation technology--can multiply your efficacy literally a
hundredfold. I say "literally," because for a fraction of
the effort (and virtually none of the risk) attendant to
smuggling in a hundred fish, you can quite readily produce a
hundred Xerox copies of fishing instructions. (If the tar-
geted government, like present-day America, at least permits
open discussion of topics whose implementation is re-
stricted, then that should suffice. But, if the government
attempts to suppress the flow of information as well, then
you will have to take a little more effort and perhaps write
your fishing manual on a floppy disk encrypted according to
your mythical Eskimo's public-key parameters. But as far as
increasing real-world access to fish you have made genuine
nonzero headway--which may continue to snowball as others
re-disseminate the information you have provided. And you
have not had to waste any of your time trying to convert id-
eological adversaries, or even trying to win over the unde-
cided. Recall Harry Browne's dictum from "Freedom in an
Unfree World" that the success of any endeavor is in general
inversely proportional to the number of people whose persua-
sion is necessary to its fulfilment.
If you look at history, you cannot deny that it has
been dramatically shaped by men with names like Washington,
Lincoln, . . . Nixon . . . Marcos . . . Duvalier . . .
Khadaffi . . . and their ilk. But it has also been shaped
by people with names like Edison, Curie, Marconi, Tesla and
Wozniak. And this latter shaping has been at least as per-
vasive, and not nearly so bloody.
And that's where I'm trying to take The LiberTech
Project. Rather than beseeching the state to please not en-
slave, plunder or constrain us, I propose a libertarian net-
work spreading the technologies by which we may seize
freedom for ourselves.
But here we must be a bit careful. While it is not (at
present) illegal to encrypt information when government
wants to spy on you, there is no guarantee of what the fu-
ture may hold. There have been bills introduced, for exam-
ple, which would have made it a crime to wear body armor
when government wants to shoot you. That is, if you were to
commit certain crimes while wearing a Kevlar vest, then that
fact would constitute a separate federal crime of its own.
This law to my knowledge has not passed . . . yet . . . but
it does indicate how government thinks.
Other technological applications, however, do indeed
pose legal risks. We recognize, for example, that anyone
who helped a pre-Civil War slave escape on the "underground
railroad" was making a clearly illegal use of technology--as
the sovereign government of the United States of America at
that time found the buying and selling of human beings quite
as acceptable as the buying and selling of cattle. Simi-
larly, during Prohibition, anyone who used his bathtub to
ferment yeast and sugar into the illegal psychoactive drug,
alcohol--the controlled substance, wine--was using technol-
ogy in a way that could get him shot dead by federal agents
for his "crime"--unfortunately not to be restored to life
when Congress reversed itself and re-permitted use of this
drug.
So . . . to quote a former President, un-indicted co-
conspirator and pardoned felon . . . "Let me make one thing
perfectly clear:" The LiberTech Project does not advocate,
participate in, or conspire in the violation of any law--no
matter how oppressive, unconstitutional or simply stupid
such law may be. It does engage in description (for educa-
tional and informational purposes only) of technological
processes, and some of these processes (like flying a plane
or manufacturing a firearm) may well require appropriate li-
censing to perform legally. Fortunately, no license is
needed for the distribution or receipt of information it-
self.
So, the next time you look at the political scene and
despair, thinking, "Well, if 51% of the nation and 51% of
this State, and 51% of this city have to turn Libertarian
before I'll be free, then somebody might as well cut my
goddamn throat now, and put me out of my misery"--recognize
that such is not the case. There exist ways to make your-
self free.
If you wish to explore such techniques via the Project,
you are welcome to give me your name and address--or a fake
name and mail drop, for that matter--and you'll go on the
mailing list for my erratically-published newsletter. Any
friends or acquaintances whom you think would be interested
are welcome as well. I'm not even asking for stamped self-
addressed envelopes, since my printer can handle mailing la-
bels and actual postage costs are down in the noise compared
with the other efforts in getting an issue out. If you
should have an idea to share, or even a useful product to
plug, I'll be glad to have you write it up for publication.
Even if you want to be the proverbial "free rider" and just
benefit from what others contribute--you're still welcome:
Everything will be public domain; feel free to copy it or
give it away (or sell it, for that matter, 'cause if you can
get money for it while I'm taking full-page ads trying to
give it away, you're certainly entitled to your capitalist
profit . . .) Anyway, every application of these principles
should make the world just a little freer, and I'm certainly
willing to underwrite that, at least for the forseeable fu-
ture.
I will leave you with one final thought: If you don't
learn how to beat your plowshares into swords before they
outlaw swords, then you sure as HELL ought to learn before
they outlaw plowshares too.
--Chuck Hammill
THE LIBERTECH PROJECT
E-mail to "The Hundredth Monkey"
Lunatic Labs BBS - (213) 655-0691
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Excerpts from Robert Wayne Pelton's Loony Sex Laws that You Never Knew You
Were Breaking (Walker and Company):
In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to
shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during
sex.
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or
fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions,
or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so
requests,
law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to
take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you- or holding
you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of
the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown- if they're nude.
(Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin
beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple
rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor
between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each
guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are
married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they
are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having
sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer!
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master,
not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There
was a civil-service job- for men only- called a corset inspector.
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a
young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers
aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer
who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn
three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car
to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table
in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of
clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful
urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are
frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has
drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you
can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio- a man
might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a
sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper."
The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
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Upcoming CONVENTIONS----
July 22-24, 1994 (Pennsylvania)
CONFLUENCE '94. Palace Inn, Pittsburgh PA; (412)372-5500; rms $52 sngl,
$64 dbl. 7th Annual Pittsburgh Conference. Guests: James Morrow, Nancy
Springer, Julia Ecklar, John DeChancie, Kenneth von Gunden, Don Sakers,
David Burkhead, Ted Reynolds, John-Allen Price, William Tenn, Andrew
Keith, William H. Keith, Jr., Alexandra and David Honigsberg, Gwenyth
Hood, Michael Betancourt, Joe Clifford Faust, Robin Wood, Diana Harlan
Stein, Lawrence C. Connolly, Karen Rose Cercone, Astrid Julian, S.C.
"Doc" Fisher, Mary K. Frey, Robin J. Nakkula, more. Memb: $20 until
7/1/94, $25 after (Children 7-12, $10 until 7/1/94, $15 after). Info:
ConFluence '94, Box 3681, Pittsburgh PA 15230-3681; email:
tabasko@transarc.com.
July 22-24, 1994 (Canada, Alberta)
CON-VERSION XI. Calgary AB, Canada. GoHs: Frederik Pohl, Marion Zimmer
Bradley; Canadian GoH: Sean Russell. Memb: C$35 until 7/6/94, C$40
after. Info: Con-Version XI, Box 1088, Stn. M, Calgary AB T2P 2K9,
Canada.
July 22-24, 1994 (Canada, Ontario)
TORONTO TREK VIII. Regal Constellation Hotel, 900 Dixon Road,
Etobicoke, Ontario M4W 1J7; (416)675-1500 or (800)268-4838; rms C$79
sngl, C$87 dbl, +C$15 per person extra. Actor GoH: Majel
Barrett-Roddenberry; Author GoH: Garfield and Judith Reeves-Stevens; TM:
jan howard finder; Guests: Nana Visitor, Larry Warner, Michael Cuneo,
Arne Starr. Memb: C$35/US$32 until 6/15/94 (children 5-12 half-price,
children under 5 free). Info: Toronto Trek VIII, Suite 0116, Box 187,
65 Front Street West, Toronto, Ontario M5J 1E6 Canada; (416)699-4666;
email: 76437.1712@compuserve.com or c.lyon4@genie.geis.com.
July 22-24, 1994 (England)
DIMENSION JUMP. Angel Hotel, Northampton, England. Memb: L25 until
6/1/94, L30 after. Red Dwarf convention. Memb: L25. Info: Garden
Cottage, Hall Farm, Scottow, Norwich, NR10 5DF.
July 29-31, 1994 (Kentucky)
RIVERCON XIX. Executive West Hotel, I-264 and I-65, Louisville,
Kentucky; rms $58. GoH: Forrest J. Ackerman; FGoH: Verna Smith
Trestrail (E.E. Smith's daughter); TM: Julius Schwartz; Guests: Mike
Resnick, First Fandom, more TBA. Memb: $20 until 7/15/94, $30 after.
Info: RiverCon XIX, PO Box 58009, Louisville, KY 40268-0009.
July 29-31, 1994 (New Jersey)
PHROLICON 10. Clarion Hotel (formerly the Mt. Laurel Hilton), Mt.
Laurel, NJ; rms $68. GoH: George Alec Effinger. Relaxacon. Memb: $20
until 7/15/94, $25 after. Info: Phrolicon 10, PO Box 42195,
Philadelphia PA 19101-2195; (215)342-1672.
July 29-31, 1994 (Rhode Island)
NECON 14. Bryant College, Smithfield RI. GoHs: Brian Lumley, Rick
Hautala, Rick Berry; EGoH: Ginjer Buchanan. Memb (including room and
meals): $180 sngl, $170 per person dbl. Info: Necon 14, Box 9202,
Warwick, RI 02889; (401)739-2060.
July 29-31, 1994 (England)
WINCON 3. King Alfred's College, Winchester, UK. GoHs: Algis Budrys,
James P. Hogan. Memb: L23; L16 supporting. Info: Wincon 3, c/o Keith
Cosslett, 12 Crowsbury Close, Emsworth, Hamps. PO10 7TS, UK; (0243)
376596.
July 30-31, 1994 (Virginia)
NOVACON II. Tyson's Westpark Hotel, Vienna VA; (703)734-2800. Guests:
Walter Koenig, Michael Dorn, Bennet Pomerantz, A.C. Crispin, Dennis
Russel Bailey. Memb: $35 in advance, $40 at the door. Info: One Trek
Mind Productions, Inc., PO Box 3363, Merrifield, VA 22116.
August 4-7, 1994 (California, Southern)
SAN DIEGO COMIC CONVENTION. San Diego Convention Center, San Diego CA.
Memb: $40 until 7/1/94, $50 after (half-price for seniors & children
7-16) Info: Box 128458, San Diego CA 92112; (619)544-9555; email:
g.plana@genie.geis.com.
August 4-6, 1994 (Ohio)
PULPCON. Bowling Green State University, Toledo OH; rms $36 sngl, $21
per person dbl. Guests: Hugh B. Cave, Harold Masur. A convention for
enthusiasts and collectors of the fabled pulp magazines, where people
went for their popular culture fix before paperbacks, comics, and tv put
them out of business. Memb: $15 until 7/20/94, $25 after. Info:
PULPCON, Box 1332, Dayton OH; email: jxxl@cs.nps.navy.mil (John Locke).
August 5-7, 1994 (Michigan)
WEEKEND IN SHERWOOD. Sheraton Oaks Hotel, 27000 Sheraton Drive, Novi,
Michigan 48377; (313) 348-9410; rms $55. Guests: Mark Ryan, Michael
Praed, Richard Carpenter. Memb: $55 until 4/1/94, $60 after; $15
supporting. Info: SPIRIT OF SHERWOOD, 1276 W. Marshall, Ferndale MI
48220; email: j.spreng@genie.geis.com.
August 5-7, 1994 (Texas)
GALAXY FAIR/ARTCON '94. Sheraton Park Central Hotel, Coit Road, Dallas
TX; rms $60. GoH: Harry Turtledove; EGoH: Toni Weisskopf; AGoH: Bob
Eggleton; TM: Robert Asprin; Publisher GoH: Jim Baen; Media GoH: Nigel
Bennett; ArtCon GoH: Real Musgrave, Filk GoH: Marty Burke; Guests:
Elizabeth Moon, Bill Fawcett, Jody Lynn Nye, P.N. Elrod, Tom Martin, C.
Dean Andersson, Nina Romberg, Carole Nelson Douglas, Leslie Fish, L.
Sprague & Catherine Crook de Camp, Diana Gallagher, more. Memb: $30
until 8/1/94, $35 after. Info: Galaxy Fair, Inc., Box 150471,
Arlington, TX 76015-6471; (817)467-0681.
August 5-8, 1994 (Washington D.C.)
MYTHCON XXV. American University, Washington D.C.; rms $43 single, $28
per person dbl; meals $60-$90 including Banquet. GoH: Madeleine L'Engle;
Scholar GoH: Verlyn Flieger; AGoH: Judith Mitchell; Guests: Nancy
Springer, Paula Volsky, Alexis Gilliland, Christopher Gilson, Michael
Dirda. Theme: The Language of Myth. Special blend of academic,
Literary and mythopoeic fantasy interests. Paper presentations and
panel discussions mix with an Art Show and Auction, Costume Masquerade,
Writer's Workshop, Gaming, Videos and more. Memb: $45/L26 until 6/1/94,
$55/L32 after (US checks to Mythcon, UK checks to Wendell Wagner).
Info: Mythcon, c/o Irv Koch, 5465 N. Morgan St. #106, Alexandria VA
22312; (703)354-4176; email: irv.koch@f629.n109.z1.fidonet.org.
August 5-7, 1994 (Washington)
VIKINGCON 15. Western Washington University, Bellingham WA. GoHs:
George R.R. Martin, Connie Willis. Memb: $20 until 7/31/94, $25 after.
Info: VikingCon 15, Associated Students, WWU -- Viking Union V-1,
Bellingham WA 98225-9106; (206)734-0919.
August 12-14, 1994 (Minnesota)
DIVERSICON 2. Minneapolis/St. Paul MN. GoH: Paul Park. Sercon. Memb:
$25 until 7/15/94, $35 at door. Info: Diversicon 2, Box 8036,
Minneapolis MN 55408.
August 12-14, 1994 (Norway)
INTERCON '94. Oslo, Norway. GoHs: C.J. Cherryh, Brian W. Aldiss.
Memb: $15/L10 (for non-Scandinavians). Info: Intercon '94, Box 121
Vinderen, N-0319 Oslo, Norway.
August 26-28, 1994 (Alabama)
B'HAMACON/DEEPSOUTHCON 32. Radisson Hotel, 808 20th Street South,
Birmingham, AL; (205) 933-9000 or (800) 333-3333; rms $59. GoHs: Lois
McMaster Bujold; FGoH: Bob Shaw; AGoHs: Debbie Hughes, Mark Maxwell; TM:
Mike Resnick. Memb: $25 until 8/1/94, $30 after (Children 6-12 half
price). Info: B'hamacon III, c/o Debbie Rowan, PO Box 94151,Birmingham
AL 35220-4151.
August 26-28, 1994 (New Mexico)
BUBONICON 26. Howard Johnson East, Albuquerque NM; rms $45 sngl/dbl,
$50 tpl/quad. GoH: Mike Stackpole; AGoH: Liz Danforth; TM: Simon Hawke.
Memb: $18 until 5/31/94, $21 until 8/10/94, $25 after. Info: NMSF
Conference, Box 37257, Albuquerque NM 87176; (505)266-8905.
August 26-28, 1994 (Oregon)
CASCADECON '94. Red Lion Inn/Coliseum, Portland, OR. Guests: David
Bischoff, Steve Perry, Mel Gilden, Betty Bigelow. Memb: $35 until
6/30/94, $45 after (children 5 and under - free, ages 6-12 - half
price). Panels, workshops, Dealer's Room, Art Show, Art Auction,
Videos, Masquerade, Dances, Filking, Autographs, Banquet, Buckaroo
Banzai 10 year anniversary events, more. Info: CascadeCon, PO Box
86734, Portland, Oregon 97286-4833; (503)777-0537; email:
v.selander@genie.geis.com.
September 1-5, 1994 (Canada, Manitoba)
CONADIAN/WORLDCON 52/CANVENTION 14. Winnipeg Convention Centre,
Winnipeg, MB, Canada. GoH: Anne McCaffrey; AGoH: George Barr; TM: Barry
B. Longyear; FGoH: Robert Runte. Memb: $125/C$165 (Children under 12
$30/C$35) until 7/15/94, C$200 at the door; US$25/C$30 supporting.
Info: Conadian, PO Box 2430, Winnipeg, MB, Canada R3C 4A7;
(204)942-9494; email: conadian@genie.geis.com,
j.mansfield4@genie.geis.com (John Mansfield); 70324.2252@compuserve.com
(Linda Ross-Mansfield - CompuServe only). CANVENTION info only: Diane
L. Walton; (403)924-3540.
September 2-5, 1994 (Pennsylvania)
CHOCOCON. Harrisburg, PA. Relaxacon for those not going to CONADIAN.
Memb: TBA. Info: lmann@telerama.lm.com.
September 9-11, 1994 (New Jersey)
SHORECON '94. Sheraton Eatontown Hotel and Conference Ctr., Route 35N
at Industrial Way, Eatontown, NJ; (908)542-6500; rms $79 sngl/dbl, $89
tpl/quad. Guests: Jeff Menges (artist Magic: The Gathering), Jim
Hlavaty, more. Gaming convention. Info: Andrew and Heleen Durston, 142
South Street, Unit 9C, Red Bank, NJ 07701-2216; (908) 530-5211; email:
acd@hotld.att.com.
September 10, 1994 (Texas)
TREKFEST '94. Holiday Inn Medical Center, 6701 South Main, Houston, TX.
Guests: Grace Lee Whitney, Bjo Trimble. Memb: $5 in advance, $8 at
door. Info: Trekfest 1994, c/o Starbase Houston, PO Box 981701,
Houston, TX 77098-1701; (713)527-9277.
September 16-18, 1994 (Idaho)
MOSCON XVI. University Inn Best Western, Moscow ID; (208) 882-0550.
GoH: Roger Zelazny; AGoH: Gary Davis; FGoH: Tom and Shelly Gordy;
Science GoH; Gregory Benford. Memb: $20 until 5/15/94, children 6-12
half-price, under 6 free. Info: MosCon XVI, Box 8521, Moscow ID 83843.
September 30 - October 2, 1994 (Minnesota)
ARCANA '94. Holiday Inn Bandana Sq., St. Paul MN. (Formerly known as
Minn-Con). GoHs: Melanie Tem, Steve Rasnic Tem. Memb: $23 until
6/30/94, $30 until 9/1/94, $40 after. Info: Arcana, c/o John Brower,
3136 Park Ave. S., Minneapolis MN 55405-1525.
September 30 - October 2, 1994 (Virginia)
RISING STAR 3. Salem Civic Center, Salem VA. Guests: Hal Clement, Bjo
& John Trimble, media guests. Memb: $12.50 until 7/31/94, $15 after.
Info: Rising Star Productions, 545 Howard Dr., Salem VA 24153.
September 30 - October 2, 1994 (Wisconsin)
FIRST CONTACT. Grand Milwaukee Hotel, 4747 South Howell Avenue,
Milwaukee, WI 53207-5989; (800)558-3862; rms $69 sgl, $75 dbl, $82 tpl,
$89 quad. GoH: Eleanor Arnason; AGoH: Susan Van Camp; FGoH: Lee
Schneider; Dead GoH: Murray Leinster; Doer GoH: Dennis Chamberland.
Memb: $20 until 9/10/94, $25 after. Info: MSFCI, Box 92726, Milwaukee
WI 53202; email: welch@warp.msoe.edu.
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
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