Death &amp; Mourninghttp://www.ritualwell.org/taxonomy/term/14/%2A
enOut of Isolationhttp://www.ritualwell.org/blog/out-isolation
<div class="field field-name-field-blogimage field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/blog/out-isolation"><img src="http://www.ritualwell.org/sites/default/files/styles/blog_thumb/public/DanyaSurprisedByGodheadshot.jpg?itok=tchLjevV" width="100" height="100" alt="" /></a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> <p>"Take solace in the fact that she's in a better place now." </p>
<p>"Don't sit around moping after the breakup—you need to get out!"</p>
<p>"Cheer up! It'll get better from here."</p>
<p>"You just gotta keep busy to keep your mind off of it!"</p>
<p>"You're doing great!"</p>
<p>"Life goes on, you can't drop out from it forever."</p>
<p>In a lot of ways, contemporary American culture is uncomfortable with the idea of mourning—and many other kinds of displays of extreme emotions. All too often, those who are grieving—whether grieving a loved one who has died, the end of a relationship, even the giving up on a dream—are told to chin up, look on the bright side, and to move on as quickly as possible. It sends the message, though, that these feelings are best dealt with quietly, without too much trouble, on one's own. </p>
<p>But grief—whether one is—is a complex, multilayered process. It's not always linear. It winds itself around us again and again, changing shape and heft at various points. It's dark, and hard, and bitter. For some, it's like feeling underwater, or like all the color has been sucked out of everything. For others, it's intense and vicious. For a lot of people, it takes different forms at different times.</p>
<p>As such, Ask Big Questions and Ritualwell thought that it would be important to ask: <a href="http://askbigquestions.org/sites/default/files/TishaBAv%20for%20website.pdf">How do we mourn</a>? How do we mourn as individuals? As Americans? As Jews?</p>
<p><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tisha_B'Av">Tisha B’Av</a>, the ninth day of the Jewish month of Av, marks the destruction of the First and Second Temples in 586 BCE and 70 CE, and the subsequent exile of the Jewish people. It's a day of fasting and mourning, and has become a time to remember other great calamities that have befallen the Jewish people, such as episodes of forced martyrdom, the destruction of medieval Jewish communities during the Crusades, and the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/letterh#term683"><cite title="The genocide of millions of European Jews--as well as other ethnic, religious and minority groups--by the Nazis during World War II. The tragic events of the Holocaust are now commemorated each year on Yom HaShoah; established in 1952 by the Israeli government. Shoah (calamity) has become the term used to describe the systemic mass slaughter that occurred during World War II.
">Holocaust</cite></a>. The <a href="http://www.mechon-mamre.org/e/et/et32.htm">Book of Lamentations</a>, which is read on Tisha B’Av, recounts the devastation wrought with the destruction of <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/letterj#term236"><cite title="Lit. City of peace
From the time of David to the Roman destruction, Jerusalem was the capital of Israel and the spiritual and governmental center of the Jewish people. During the long exile, Jews longed to return to Jerusalem and wrote poems, prayers, and songs about the beloved city. In 1967, with the capture of the Old City, Jerusalem was reunited, becoming "the eternal capital of Israel." Still, the longing for peace is unfulfilled.
">Jerusalem</cite></a> by Babylonia in 586 BCE, personifying the city as a mourning woman. Over the course of five chapters, the tone of the poem—and the voice of the mourner—moves from denial and horror into anger and hurt and depression, from despair into a yearning for redemption.</p>
<p>The rituals of Tisha B'Av give us space to experience our grief. We read the Book of Lamentations from low stools or sitting on the floor, as in a house of mourning. We refuse food like one approaching death. We refrain from sex, luxurious oils, comfortable leather shoes, bathing—life affirming activites. Ritual is a container that can help us hold some of the complexity of our feelings.</p>
<p>And conversations—the right kind of conversations—can, too. And both in ritual and in discussion we can come together, we can create a special, holy frame for the work of experiencing more fully the things that we haven't given ourselves space and permission for in the hubub of the everyday. In both discussion and ritual we open a space for communion with others, to get out of our isolation. </p>
<p>On Tisha B'Av or on any day, we don't have to grieve alone. </p>
<p><em><a href="http://danyaruttenberg.net">Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg</a> is the Director of Educational Content for <a href="http://askbigquestions.org/"><em>Ask B</em>ig Questions</a> and the author of the Sami Rohr Prize-nominated </em>Surprised By God: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Religion; The Passionate <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/lettert#term371"><cite title="The Five Books of Moses, and the foundation of all of Jewish life and lore. The Torah is considered the heart and soul of the Jewish people, and study of the Torah is a high mitzvah. The Torah itself a scroll that is hand lettered on parchment, elaborately dressed and decorated, and stored in a decorative ark. It is chanted aloud on Mondays, Thursdays, and Shabbat, according to a yearly cycle. Sometimes "Torah" is used as a colloquial term for Jewish learning and narrative in general.
">Torah</cite></a>: Sex and Judaism, <em>and other books. She is currently working on a book of essays on parenting as a spiritual practice, to be published in 2016.</em></p>
</div></div></div>Wed, 23 Jul 2014 20:17:13 +0000jposes3524 at http://www.ritualwell.orgRitual for a Widow to Remove Her Wedding Ringhttp://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/ritual-widow-remove-her-wedding-ring
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> <p>Ceremony with friends and officiant including song and a ritual handwashing</p>
</div></div></div>Thu, 18 Aug 2011 20:39:03 +0000ronih181334 at http://www.ritualwell.orgPrelude to Kaddishhttp://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/prelude-kaddish
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> <p>Preparing to say <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/letterk#term242"><cite title="The Aramaic memorial prayer for the dead. Mourners recite this prayer at every service, every day, in the presence of a minyan (prayer quorum) over the course of a year (for a parent) or thirty days (for a sibling or offspring). The prayer actually makes no mention of the dead, but rather prays for the sanctification and magnification of God's name.
">Kaddish</cite></a> for an abusive parent on the occasion of their <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/lettery#term385"><cite title="(Yiddish) The anniversary of a death, usually marked by the lighting of a 24-hour yahrzeit candle and the recitation of Kaddish, the memorial prayer. For U.S. Jews, the unveiling of the headstone usually takes place on or around the first yahrzeit.
">yahrzeit</cite></a></p>
</div></div></div>Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:47:39 +0000kevin1128 at http://www.ritualwell.orgPrayer for Lighting the Shiva Candle http://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/prayer-lighting-shiva-candle
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> <p>A prayer to be said before lighting the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/letters#term344"><cite title="Seven-day mourning period following the funeral of a first-degree relative, during which time family members remain at home and receive visits of comfort. Other customs include abstinence from bathing and sex, covering mirrors, sitting lower than other visitors, and the lighting of a special memorial candle which burns for seven days.
">shiva</cite></a> candle</p>
</div></div></div>Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:15:57 +0000kevin1082 at http://www.ritualwell.orgRemember Mehttp://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/remember-me
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> <p>A poem for a <em>yizkor</em> or memorial service. When we remember our loved ones, we inscribe them upon the pages of our memory and they live on in us.</p>
<div>
</div>
</div></div></div>Tue, 23 Sep 2014 02:52:05 +0000Elizabeth Tragash3550 at http://www.ritualwell.orgHow I Stopped Writing High Holiday Sermonshttp://www.ritualwell.org/blog/how-i-stopped-writing-high-holiday-sermons
<div class="field field-name-field-blogimage field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/blog/how-i-stopped-writing-high-holiday-sermons"><img src="http://www.ritualwell.org/sites/default/files/styles/blog_thumb/public/rena%20blumenthal.jpg?itok=HnYqPOqY" width="100" height="100" alt="" /></a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> <p>Two years ago, at age 93, my father passed away suddenly and peacefully in <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/letteri#term234"><cite title="Lit. ''the one who struggles with God.''
Israel means many things. It is first used with reference to Jacob, whose name is changed to Israel (Genesis 32:29), the one who struggles with God. Jacob's children, the Jewish people, become B'nai Israel, the children of Israel. The name also refers to the land of Israel and the State of Israel.
">Israel</cite></a>, where he had lived for many years. I flew to Israel for the funeral and the first half of <em><a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/letters#term344"><cite title="Seven-day mourning period following the funeral of a first-degree relative, during which time family members remain at home and receive visits of comfort. Other customs include abstinence from bathing and sex, covering mirrors, sitting lower than other visitors, and the lighting of a special memorial candle which burns for seven days.
">shiva</cite></a></em>, sitting the second half in America. I rose from <em>shiva</em> three days before <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/lettere#term194"><cite title="Lit. Evening
Jewish holidays begin in the evening. Hence, Erev Shabbat is the eve of the Sabbath.
">Erev</cite></a> <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/letterr#term321"><cite title="The Jewish New Year, also considered the Day of Judgment. The period of the High Holidays is a time of introspection and atonement. The holiday is celebrated with the sounding of the shofar, lengthy prayers in synagogue, the eating of apples and honey, and round challah for a sweet and whole year. Tashlich, casting bread on the water to symbolize the washing away of sins, also takes place on Rosh Hashana.
">Rosh Hashana</cite></a>.</p>
<p>I was, at the time, in my tenth year as the rabbi at Vassar College, where I always delivered two High Holiday sermons a year. My Rosh Hashana sermon had already been written. It explored the difference between <em><a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/lettert#term358"><cite title="Lit: Returning/Turning
The process of repentance through which one "returns" to oneself and to God. The season of t'shuva begins at the start of the month of Elul and culuminates forty days later on Yom Kippur.
">teshuva</cite></a>, </em>repentance, and <em>kapara, </em>atonement, and included references from the events of that past summer, reflections on the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/lettert#term371"><cite title="The Five Books of Moses, and the foundation of all of Jewish life and lore. The Torah is considered the heart and soul of the Jewish people, and study of the Torah is a high mitzvah. The Torah itself a scroll that is hand lettered on parchment, elaborately dressed and decorated, and stored in a decorative ark. It is chanted aloud on Mondays, Thursdays, and Shabbat, according to a yearly cycle. Sometimes "Torah" is used as a colloquial term for Jewish learning and narrative in general.
">Torah</cite></a> readings, and a story from my childhood. It was clever and well-crafted, and utterly irrelevant to my new state of grief. There was no way I could deliver that sermon.</p>
<p>I stood before my campus community on the first night of Rosh Hashana, shaken and in deep grief, having done no last-minute preparation and with no sermon to deliver. In my welcome, I told the students that my father had just died suddenly; that I had risen from shiva three days before; that I might cry during the prayers. Then I launched into the service, my heart over-flowing with gratitude for the beloved and supportive community that I was privileged to serve.</p>
<p>When it was time for the sermon, I spoke, with no anchor and no notes. I talked about what it felt like to lose a parent – as if the platform you’d been standing on your whole life, and didn’t even know you’d been standing on, had suddenly been kicked away. I talked about how vivid life seemed at that moment, and imagined what it would be like to live every moment with this acute knowledge of life’s fragility. I talked about my inability, in that state of mind, to inhabit my rabbinic role and voice, and could hear myself, as if from a distance, speaking in an intimate and vulnerable tone. And, as promised in my welcome, I cried.</p>
<p>My students are always respectful during High Holiday services, but the quality in the room on that evening matched the quality in my heart – an altered state of intense presence. Students came up afterward and hugged me silently. My boss, a Presbytarian minister, told me it sounded like God had been speaking through me. I believed him, and felt humbled by his words.</p>
<p>When Rosh Hashana was over, I immediately started wondering – with more curiosity than anxiety – what I would do for Yom Kippur. Should I pull out a stock sermon from a prior year? Reconfigure the Rosh Hashana sermon I had already prepared? I knew intellectually that I could do this, but as the week progressed it became clear that emotionally I could do no such thing.</p>
<p>On the evening of Kol Nidre, I stood in front of them again, with no anchor and no notes, and spoke. It was different from the prior week – I had thought more about what I wanted to say – but it was also the same. During that talk it suddenly occurred to me that my father had inadvertently handed me a great gift by dying ten days before Rosh Hashana and ten years into my rabbinate – enough years to give me the confidence, and the earned trust, to grieve in public, to fully shed the mask. I don’t remember much of that talk, but I do remember sharing that thought, as it came to me, in my unrehearsed, unwritten sermon. </p>
<p>I have not written a High Holiday sermon since, and I don’t plan to this year. I don’t presume that this is what any other rabbi should do and I don’t know what I will do next year. With time, it will be harder to capture that intense feeling of presence, and perhaps my courage will falter. But so far, my father’s pre-Rosh Hashana <em style="font-size: 12px;"><a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/lettery#term385"><cite title="(Yiddish) The anniversary of a death, usually marked by the lighting of a 24-hour yahrzeit candle and the recitation of Kaddish, the memorial prayer. For U.S. Jews, the unveiling of the headstone usually takes place on or around the first yahrzeit.
">yahrzeit</cite></a></em><span style="font-size: 12px;"> still serves as a cherished catalyst, plunging me into the extreme vulnerability and joy at the heart of this annual Jewish adventure of the soul. </span></p>
<p><em>Rena Blumenthal graduated from the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College in 2003. She just completed eleven years as the campus rabbi at Vassar College, and now works as a freelance rabbi.</em></p>
</div></div></div>Fri, 19 Sep 2014 19:52:51 +0000jposes3549 at http://www.ritualwell.orgFurther Reflections on Closing an Apartment/Home After the Death of a Parent(s)http://www.ritualwell.org/blog/further-reflections-closing-apartmenthome-after-death-parents
<div class="field field-name-field-blogimage field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/blog/further-reflections-closing-apartmenthome-after-death-parents"><img src="http://www.ritualwell.org/sites/default/files/styles/blog_thumb/public/blogimage/blogging%20Richard%20Hirsh.jpg?itok=EoIy9561" width="100" height="100" alt="" /></a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> <p>
<a href="http://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/closing-apartment" target="_blank">I first suggested a ritual</a> for how we might use Jewish symbols and traditions when faced with closing up the home of a deceased parent shortly after the death of my mother in April 2001.</p>
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<p>
In the intervening years, I have passed it along to a number of friends (as part of the booklet The Journey of Mourning, <a href="http://www.rrc.edu/ethics-center/publications/a-guide-jewish-practice-journey-mourning" target="_blank">which can be ordered</a> from the Ethics Center of the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College. </p>
<p>
Being twelve years older than when I wrote the ritual, and nearer to the closing stages of life, one of the things I recognize is that not every parent manages to down-size the accumulations of a lifetime prior to the end of life. It now seems clearer to me that one obligation aging parents have to adult children is to give some guidance as to what to keep and what to let go after they have died. Otherwise the task itself can become daunting and unmanageable and whatever spiritual solace is sought can be sidetracked by the burden of wading through too much stuff.</p>
<p>
In my original article I mentioned that my then sixteen-year-old daughter volunteered to accompany me when I had to close my own mother’s apartment. In retrospect, it seems to be an imperative—not an option—for anyone carrying out this process to have other family or friends along for the work. Mutual support, alternative perspectives, and shared memories can all enhance the experience.</p>
<p>
One innovation that has proved to be meaningful out of context is the adapted <em><a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/lettera#term156"><cite title="''For the sin ...'' – the litany of sins for which Jews ask forgiveness during Yom Kippur services.
">Al Chet</cite></a></em> (“For the sin…”) that appears as “A Short Prayer of Confession and Reconciliation” in the original ritual. For the past several years I have been including this version in the Yizkor (memorial service) for Yom Kippur morning at the “second service” outside the main sanctuary that I lead at Reconstructionist Congregation Darchei Noam in Toronto. It seems to speak to the unspoken regrets children have about what they failed to say to parents while they had the chance, and it offers a way to begin to release some of those regrets while also taking responsibility for what was left unsaid.</p>
<p>
One person who used the ritual writes the following:</p>
<p>
<em>My parents died within seven months of one another, both dying</em><em>–by their choice</em><em>–in the home in which they had lived for over 50 years. My brother and I kept the house intact for an entire year after our second parent (our mother) died. On a warm September day, my brother and I sat outside on the back porch, on our last weekend together of packing up the home of our childhood. Our spouses and two of our children, one 12 and one 18, were with us. I was grateful to have been given a ritual for marking this time by my good friend, Richard Hirsh. My family surrendered to this one last request and it turned out to be the most powerful thing that we could have done together. The ritual captured all of the mixed feelings we had, expressed all of the gratitude we felt, and even asked forgiveness for anything we could not take with us that might have been important to our parents. Tears and laughter flowed and the spiritual and emotional closure it leant are still with us all.</em></p>
<p>
It would be interesting to hear from others who may have used this ritual what their experience was.</p>
<p>
</p> </div></div></div>Wed, 01 May 2013 19:20:39 +0000jposes2664 at http://www.ritualwell.orgDeath is in the Detailshttp://www.ritualwell.org/blog/death-details
<div class="field field-name-field-blogimage field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/blog/death-details"><img src="http://www.ritualwell.org/sites/default/files/styles/blog_thumb/public/blogimage/blogging%20roni_12.jpg?itok=2jWmXDoz" width="100" height="100" alt="" /></a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> <p>In the Jewish tradition we have prayers to mark many phases of the grieving process. We find comfort when we recite <a href="http://www.ritualwell.org/categories/571"><em style="font-size: 12px;">El Maley Rachamim</em></a> at the funeral, <a href="http://www.ritualwell.org/categories/569"><em style="font-size: 12px;">kaddish</em></a> throughout the mourning period, and <a href="http://www.ritualwell.org/categories/486"><em style="font-size: 12px;">yizkor</em></a><a href="http://www.ritualwell.org/categories/486"> prayers</a> at key moments throughout the year. </p>
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<p>These words provide comfort as we journey along the path of mourning. And though there are some traditions for ending periods of mourning—<em style="font-size: 12px;"><a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/4/letters#term344"><cite title="Seven-day mourning period following the funeral of a first-degree relative, during which time family members remain at home and receive visits of comfort. Other customs include abstinence from bathing and sex, covering mirrors, sitting lower than other visitors, and the lighting of a special memorial candle which burns for seven days.
">shivah</cite></a></em> , for example, concludes with a walk around the block—there are surprisingly few rituals marking time and calling attention to the many “firsts” a mourner experiences after the death of a loved one.</p>
<p>Here at Ritualwell, we are grateful to those of you who have shared rituals addressing some of these difficult moments, such as<a href="http://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/pesach-yizkor-redemptive-remembrance"> the sight of a loved one’s empty chair at a holiday gathering</a> or <a href="http://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/ritual-widow-remove-her-wedding-ring">the occasion of removing a wedding ring</a> after the death of a partner. It is often these commonplace moments—when we simply miss our friend, relative, or companion—that are the most difficult to face. Creative ritual can help us find meaning or comfort in these moments.</p>
<p>Over the years I have received inquiries from mourners searching for a variety of rituals: lighting a <em>shivah</em> or <a href="http://www.ritualwell.org/categories/568"><em>yahrtzeit</em></a> candle, ending <a href="http://www.ritualwell.org/categories/617"><em>shloshim</em></a>, and concluding the daily recitation of <em>kaddish</em> at the end of 11 months. If you were to create a ritual for these or other markers along the path of mourning, what would they be? Which moments do you long to mark with ritual? Let us know your ideas!</p>
</div></div></div>Thu, 07 Mar 2013 19:33:51 +0000jposes2576 at http://www.ritualwell.orgCommunity Centerhttp://www.ritualwell.org/blog/community-center
<div class="field field-name-field-blogimage field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/blog/community-center"><img src="http://www.ritualwell.org/sites/default/files/styles/blog_thumb/public/blogimage/blogging%20roni_10.jpg?itok=giLQ9Hwu" width="100" height="100" alt="" /></a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> <p><em>Though random acts of kindness are amazingly inspiring, they leave me wondering whether we can harness this random energy into more sustainable acts of kindness.</em></p>
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<p>In the past few weeks too many of my friends and coworkers have coped with the loss of loved ones or the troubles that come with serious illness. In each of these cases I have been struck by the power of community and by the generosity of friends and family in the wake of these life-changing events. </p>
<p>Having a community to help us through new and difficult stages of life is a blessing and it comes in many forms. I am inspired when I hear stories of synagogue members getting together throughout the year to cook and bake <em>challot</em>, kugels, and other freeze-able foods so that there will always be a hot meal on hand for those in need. I am uplifted when I observe the selfless support provided to those in need of a listening ear or an extra set of hands. And I am humbled by communities that provide visits, rides, and meals to members struggling with chronic illness.</p>
<p>Human beings have an incredible capacity to give. Over the past several weeks I have been encouraged by the acts of kindness that flourished during the holidays and in the wake of recent tragedies. While these random acts of kindness are truly amazing and inspiring, they leave me wondering whether we could harness this random energy into more sustainable acts of kindness. What would the world look like if we each developed a regular practice—rather than a random one—of giving to those with whom we have no obvious communal connection? Maybe we could call the local funeral home and offer assistance to unaffiliated families experiencing loss. Or we could be in touch with the local hospital and visit patients who have not had any visitors. </p>
<p>Community can be created in a number of different ways. We would love to hear your ideas about how we can create more dynamic communities—both online and off. </p>
</div></div></div>Wed, 09 Jan 2013 20:29:48 +0000jposes2491 at http://www.ritualwell.orgLighting the Memorial Candle http://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/lighting-memorial-candle
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> A prayer to be said upon returning from the cemetery and lighting a memorial candle </div></div></div>Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:14:46 +0000kevin1081 at http://www.ritualwell.orgEach of Us Has A Namehttp://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/each-us-has-name
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"> "Each of us has a name given by God and given by our parents…" —poem by modern Israeli poet Zelda. </div></div></div>Sun, 22 Aug 2010 21:34:13 +0000kevin410 at http://www.ritualwell.org