Hi there. I am author of sad books Nicholas Sparks. No relation to Caucasian lyricist Bubba Sparxxx. He spells it differently. Also wrong. I have written lots of sad stories (The Notebook, Dear John) dealing with destiny that have begat movies where sad things happen. Have you seen the adverts for the last movie-film based on my works? The Lucky One chronicles a young man who finds a photograph of a woman and, instead of doing what every other guy would do and scanning it into his computer to crudely Photoshop her head onto Jessica Alba’s body, he decides to track her down, which is not creepy and is plausible.

Here is my next story, The Sad Events. The movie is already down the pipeline. In the movie version the main character will have some facial hair – not too neat but not overtly messy either – the kind of facial hair that says, “I didn’t have time to shave this weekend because I was nursing baby animals.”

Gentlemen – before you think, “Oh, another stupid Nicholas Sparks movie that the ball and chain is going to drag me to see, I guess I have to sell my Taco Bell wristwatch to pay admission,” consider this. I am on your side. I write sad books so they can become sad movies that play sad music that she will ask you to watch that you will go watch with her, pretty much guaranteeing you hand stuff. Minimum.

THE SAD EVENTS

Once upon a time there was a man, a Handsome Man, who was so sad. Sad and lonely. This is even sadder because he was so handsome. His level of handsome was inversely proportional to his amount of loneliness. Handsome Man owned a full length mirror where he would watch himself cry for six or seven hours a day. He lived alone, with the exception of his pet macaw, but this only made matters worse as all day he had to listen to the echoes of his own misery.

He lived in one of the Carolinas and worked at a German cuckoo clock factory. Each day, he literally watched his time on earth tick away. While listening to the sounds of tormented birds. Wooden birds who were as trapped as he.

Handsome Man wrote beautiful love poetry on his typewriter, but sadly, nobody ever read it. His words were flawless and completely devoid of typos, impressive considering how he was blind in one eye, had incredibly brittle finger bones, and was the son of an illiterate ranch hand.

By the way this takes place in a time before when pornography was freely accessible, which is why he was always so sad and actually had time to think. The day pornography was invented, his other eye went.

But this didn’t matter because he had nothing in life worth watching. One day he found himself kidnapped by North or South Carolinian pirates, and sensed a very pretty girl onboard. She, like him, was very good at woodwork. A hostage, she was being forced to make her own plank to walk. “I’m going to marry this girl,” he said to himself quietly. “Her appeal lies in her widespread relatability.” He was right. They were wed in a small ceremony right before the pirate captain forced her to jump off the boat. Handsome Man was happy he could not literally see her final moments (being ripped apart by sharks). He died himself moments later by choking on his own tears. His pet macaw wed one of the cuckoo clocks. So it’s a happy ending. Australian singer Gotye has a new single that goes, “Walked the plank with eyes wide open” which will be perfect for the adverts of this movie. Like seriously, I didn’t even have that in mind and it just synchs up. You will be jerking (tears) before you even buy your ticket. What a tribute to proverbial sadness.

To paraphrase a man who is not my cousin, Bubba Sparxxx, “Eff it, break a bottle, none of us ever date a model. God is good and love always finds a way.”