Top 6 Wines That Pair Best With Your Child’s Crappy Behavior. Epic News for Parents.

There is a lot of science that goes behind deciding which wine goes best with your chicken, seafood or steak dinner, but what if I was to tell you which wine would go best with the kind of day you experienced? The data is out, and studies now show that certain wines pair up best with different parenting situations and child behavior.

The world’s most renown wine sommeliers have released this list exclusively to us at Life as a Rambling Redhead. Lucky for you, we are kind enough to share this life-changing knowledge. Parents everywhere are rejoicing.

We just want what’s best for your sanity.

Listed below are the best Wine Pairings for all stages of parenthood.

1. Riesling pairs perfectly with an explosive poopy diaper.

If your newborn baby had an explosive bowel movement, leaving your hands literally shit-stained from the yellow substance we call “poop”, we suggest chugging a glass of Riesling immediately. Riesling is refreshing, tends to be sweet and has a low acidity level. You’ve handled enough liquid that smelled of pure acid today, so kick back and enjoy this smooth, light wine that usually possesses the smell of apples. How lovely.

2. Chardonnay goes great with a middle schooler’s attitude adjustment.

If your middle-school child, let’s call her Megan, gave you non-stop attitude today and yelled the words, “You’re the worst parent ever!” or “Why can’t you be cool, like Addison’s mom?!” then you would most likely benefit from a good buzz. We recommend Chardonnay for your drinking pleasure this evening. Chardonnay has been described as tasting sweet like various melons and has a subtle creaminess. Subtle creaminess sounds divine. Megan’s insults sound annoying.

3. Choose Sauvignon Blanc when you feel like the walls are caving in on you.

If you were stuck inside all day with a toddler who did nothing but throw every toy in his playroom and whined about absolutely everything, then we recommend enjoying one, possibly two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc. This wine has been said to have an earthy taste, such as bell peppers or freshly mowed grass. Drinking something that smells of fresh sod will surely help you forget the painful memories of toy trucks being hurled at your face or being bitten by a small baby beast who wants nothing more than to see you cry.

If you have multiple children, and all of them decided to act like freakin’ lunatics on the same day, then you need something that goes down easily. Something easy to gulp. We suggest a Merlot. This wine is referred to as an “introducing” wine to novice wine drinkers since it is smooth and light. We are very aware that you are not new to drinking wine, but tonight is not the night to jack around with a dry wine that forces you to drink slowly. You were assaulted by multiple child terrorists today and you’re still alive to complain about it. Drink up warrior.

5. Pinot Noir goes well with dented or scratched vehicles.

If your teenager was involved in a minor “fender-bender” today (aka – she backed her new car into your car that was parked in the driveway) then we recommend a Pinot Noir. This wine is very delicate and fresh, unlike your daughter, whose sole purpose in life seems to be attempting to destroy all of the cars you own. The tannins in this wine are very soft, making it the opposite of bitter. Nobody needs a dry wine when their daughter is constantly participating in a real-life game of bumper cars…. you’re already bitter enough, thanks to her.

6. Cabernet Sauvignon pairs perfectly with poor hygiene.

If you find yourself covered in baby vomit, human waste, or toddler boogers, then you need to drink wine that will, for a brief moment, make you feel like royalty. We suggest drinking a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. This wine has been deemed the King of Red Wines. It’s dark, rich and is said to be best paired with a decadent, juicy steak. When one is covered in foul bodily fluids, they do not have the time nor the desire to grill a steak. Thank goodness drinking wine does not take much effort. Forget the steak, and grab your best crystal glass to have the ultimate royal experience. And change shirts immediately. Queens and Kings don’t sip wines with crusty nose goop adhered to their clothing.

If you’re unable to invest in any of these suggested wine choices, there is always Boone’s Farm and Franzia waiting for you at your local, disgusting 7-eleven. There is no scientific data behind these two wines, but we are very confident that they will get the job done.

Forget about the dishes, laundry or wasting precious “me-time” on bathing. Have a glass of wine with someone special – preferably your spouse, since that special person helped you create these cute but horrible monsters that drive you to drink.

Please Note: The little boy pictured in the photo above is not actually crying. He’s an extremely well-paid model for the blog. We don’t go around making babies cry to get a good picture; this is his “Monster Scream” which he does on command.

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I'm Jenn... A blunt, redheaded mommy who likes to look at motherhood in a slightly different way. This blog consists of stories of how I survive my job as a SAHM, a job that I love. I tend to like sarcasm served hot with a fresh side of dry humor.
Because who really likes to take life so seriously?

I am living proof that Sauvignon Blanc is perfect for when the walls are caving in on you. Can anyone say baby daddy problems?? *chugs down the whole bottle in the interim of dealing with a crying baby and BD’s obnoxious arguments* Thanks for the laugh! xoxo Madison

Rose…. hmmmm I’m thinking this would go best with potty training. Roses smell great, pee or poop on the floor does not. Are you potty training? Or maybe your child just stinks? -both sound good for Rose to me haha

I hope your wine was ever so smooth and enjoyable Mama! Cheers! (And I’m right there with ya on the poopy diapers…. I have a 7 month old!) AND a 2 year old, who’s poop smells like dead things and acid. It’s by far worse than newborn poop.

I don’t have any kids, but can relate as everyone around me – friends & family – did. I frequently resorted to liberal applications of the above beverages after visits from small children. I still speak to some of the parents…

As the mother of teenage twins, I can tell you that that too will pass. And as I told mine today at dinner, revenge is a dish best served cold. In the form of grandchildren. As I outlined my plan to revisit everything I’ve done to and for them on their own children the look of sheer panic settled onto their faces.

For teenage daughters I can PERSONALLY recommend a Cabernet-Syrah blend! J P Chenet do an excellent one. The smooth velvety tones sooth the troubled brow and after two to three glasses, teenage daughters tend to fade into blissful insignificance.

I love the sentiment here…as a SommMom I’ll put in some pairing suggestions: I like the Riesling, but it is high acid so if you want sweeter and lower acid go Gewurztraminer or Moscato – the florals are incredible for covering poopy smell (better than Febreeze baby). Switch out that Merlot for some Zinfandel – you get higher ABV and lower tannins covered in so much fruitiness so you can really chug it down. Bravo RedHead.

As I told my friend, who posted this link to my FB page: the wine that pairs best is: whatever is open! We need speed, here! If nothing is open: choose a screw top! (Moms who need wine club from CA Wine Company has some excellent ones!) No need to futz around with the cork screw in an emergency!

What about when the in-laws visit? What goes well with whiny, needy niece and nephew and the spouse’s sibling that pretty much ignores them all freakin day long while she hangs out on facebook? My thought is whatever wine is closest!

Oh Beth, I hope I can change your mind! To be honest, I had never read a blog before I started writing one 2 months ago (shhhh, that’s a secret.) So I totally get where you are coming from. Hopefully, I can at least be good pooping material for you.

What varietal goes with moody-as-all-hell-for-no-apparent-reason teenager who’s only expression is to roll her eyes, and who only ever complete tasks “in a minute” (which is actually usually an hour and three prompts later)?

I needed that laugh this morning. I have 6 kids at home. Potty training almost 3 yr old active boy. 3 tween girls, ( ugh!) 13 year old girl and a 16 year old boy. What is it called if you mix all wines in a glass?

It all makes sense now!
I am a champagne loving, former Nanny and a non-mom.
The excitement of “popping corks” and sipping “bubbly” is obviously replacement therapy for the wild adventures I don’t have with children!
Drink up, buttercup~

It all makes sense now! I am a former nanny, a non-mom and a champagne drinker.
The excitement of “popping bottles” and sipping bubbly is obviously replacement therapy for “Adventures with Offspring”!
Drink up, buttercup~

Love it. I don’t generally post the blogs of others (no reason other than I don’t read many haha!) but your post inspired me. I give you full credit and a ping back of course…here is my take on your complete and total brilliance. (**channel the “i’m not worthy! i’m not worthy!” wayne’s world moment here….)

I have 3 teenagers, 16, 15, and 13, the older two starting drivers ed..oh did I mention they are all girls! So pick any given day of arguments over clothes, shoes and the just because and I will need to drink whichever wine asap!