Tuesday, May 31, 2011

went and got kids the summer clothes. none of it makes sense, the sizes we were buying. since when doesn't the wee Mac wear 5T? The t is for toddler and I guess he's not a toddler anymore. He's four and half so I guess it's time for bigger sizes. Still, it doesn't make sense buying him such big boy clothes.

The store was a trippy experience. I'm back on the zofran because my nausea has risen up and reclaimed me. It takes a long time to process things and do things and make sense of things. Most of the time I just try to let Mr. Hall do things for me because I end up spilling and walking into walls.

Also, there is this round ligament pain I'm having. There are ligaments that are attached from the hip to the womb. They are two inches normally, but grow to 12 as the pregnancy progresses.

Tendons aren't stretchy by nature.

So I have dull aches and sharp snaps of pain. Right by the hip bone. ow ow ow owow ow. Sometimes when I sneeze, sometimes when I get up from sitting. Sometimes when I sitting there. Just sitting there.

And people gather round and pity me. Some have offered to pray for me. I don't want them to though. This is baby Maggie inside me. That's what we've started calling her.

And I have all the love in the world for this little girl. I'll gladly take on all the puking, the tireds and struggles with words. I am her momma and i have all the love in the world for her. :)

Monday, May 30, 2011

Feeling so good this morning. I hope and hope and hope and hope and hope this kind of freedom lasts. I am eating and awake. enjoy the tastes and textures of food. At any moment though, the nausea could sneak back up. It seems there is still lingering shadow.

But for now, I'm ok. Like awesome ok.

Posted this on facebook:

"felt good enough to go for a walk with pancake, we saw blooming trees, tulips and all sorts of spring! And lots of squirrels. Then we start to say, "Daddie . . . I want a squirrel! A trained squirrel!" Just like Veruca Salt. And we laughed and laughed! good times! heee hee . . "

Seriously, when did spring pop up? Did you know everything is blooming? Wowzers!

Ok, let me gather my things and get ready to go to the parade. It is memorial day after all.

And while I comb my hair and put ON MAKE UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A MONTH- I will be rock out to this.

Friday, May 27, 2011

The nausea of my pregnancy is starting to fade. WHICH IS AWESOME! It's like, my world is becoming 3 d again. Not just me, with my head in my hands, hunched over, looking at my un pedicured toes.

I'm starting to notice that all the plants in my yard have blossomed. And my husband is coming back into focus. It's nice to see him again.

Then. I woke up at 3.30 this morning feeling like something was gnawing at my belly. From the inside. It took me a few minutes to realize I was STARVING. Ravenous. Which is how I feel now, at friggin 6.30 in the morning.

And I'm still out of sorts about actually eating but I'm so hungry. I am retraining myself to eat. ooft. It's just all bizarre this pregnancy.

Did I mention how happy I am. How absolutely over the moon I am.

One thing I love now that I'm climbing out of my first trimester is the music. I am really grooving on some good tunes in the morning.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My high powered OB GYN asked me to get records of my daughter's birth. Which is fine. I have them scanned into my hard drive. It's a PDF document with 40 some pages. I realize she is only interested in the 2 page surgical report. But, I don't want to find it. I don't want to flip through the records. I don't want to look.

This is difficult for me. But here the hell goes. This needs to be addressed before I go any further.

Here is a shortened version of my daughter's birth.

Eight years ago I woke up at 4 am with my water breaking. I got all excited. We went to the hospital and was so excited. Nothing was happening though, no contractions, just me leaking. Then, the epidural guy came and said, "I'm going into surgery so if you need an epidural you can get one now." I hadn't had a contraction yet. They did start pitocin though. Pitocin is an IV medication that makes your uterus contract.

So. I went with the epidural that numbed everything below my bra line. And they told me contractions had started but I didn't know that. I didn't feel anything. Mr. Hall held my hand and we sort of sat there for about 6 hours. Then, things starting going wrong. The pitocin was making my uterus contract but the contractions weren't retracting. My uterus was clamping down on my daughter and making her heart beat go down.

Then, I remember having a nurse on one side and a doctor on the other. They were trying to turn me from side to side, trying to release the pressure on the baby. My daughter. They were kind of snippy to each other. Then the doctor said, "We're going to do an c-section". They hiked up the bedrails and began wheeling me away.

They separated me and my husband. He would later tell me how pissed off this made him. He was left there, in the room, watching me be wheeled away. He would talk about how he wanted to punch the doctor for taking me away like that. He was not allowed in the surgical room.

I remember being hoisted onto the operating table and strapped down all Jesus crucifix style, in a T, arms outstretched. The anesthesiologist reappeared. Someone asked my to sign something and I was shaking. I heard the heart beat though, my daughter's heart beat through the machine that goes bing. Her heart beat was climbing upwards. Then, I prayed. This is what I said.

I said,

"God, if you need to take me or my daughter, here we are."

And I felt a flush of calm and everything felt safe.

(hold on, crying here, give me a minute)

(ok, that's better. back to the story)

Then the anesthesiologist put the mask over my face and very calmly asked me to breathe. He was very comforting and I will always remember that. I was put under general or complete anesthesia. I woke up shaking and disorientated. I didn't know this at the time but shaking is an effect of the anesthesia.

I remember they tried to have me hold my daughter and I couldn't hold her, I was still so woozy from the epidural and general anesthesia. I couldn't see well. I don't remember seeing my daughter at that time. I remember being so wobbly.

This stuff I'm writing here. It's taken me years to process. It was only a year ago I got the hospital records. There are so many chunks of this I still can't wrap my head around. The records help though. They helped me understand why my throat was so sore. When I was placed under general anesthesia they intubated me. Which means they put a tube down my throat to inflate my lungs. This was a revelation to me, figuring this out.

The hardest part was waking up though. Really waking up. After waking up shaking, crying and unable to hold my daughter I went back to sleep. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night and asked Mr. Hall to help me to the bathroom. The room was dark and I was attached to an IV pole. He couldn't really lift me and my legs still weren't working right. We called a nurse to help and she scolded us a bit.

The next day, more confusion. I just didn't understand why I was so sore. I mean, I had had an epidural, so I never felt anything, so why was I so sore? It turns out that I was sore because I had been through labor. This was explained to me by a nurse. I was so messed up in my head. It didn't occur to me that I had been in labor.

The words c-section messed me up. I realized I had had a c-section but it didn't occur to me that that DIDN'T cancel out my labor. Again, I wasn't thinking right.

It was a confusing time those first days after the c-section. I remember they handed me my daughter a second time and I was gobsmacked. She was so blonde. This MADE NO SENSE. I am darker. NOT BLONDE. But I held her and tried to have her nurse. That sucked. She didn't nurse at friggin all.

So there I was, body and throat sore for reasons I didn't understand. With this blonde baby I didn't recognize. Struggling to surface from all of it. Not daring to call any of this trauma because they had saved my baby and how could I question any of it.

No matter how confused I was, I still had the Momma Bear instinct. I gripped her tightly. I dressed her and changed her diaper. I was a deer in headlights but I still cuddled her with all my might.

Mr. Hall had given her her first bath, her first bottle. He did this while I was still sleeping. He reassured me this was the right baby. I trusted him.

In the next few weeks things got better. I started to wake up more. Pancake was so small and just dissolved me. Then, there was this one morning feeding. It was 5.30 am, the morning light bathing the kitchen as I warmed up a bottle.

She was in my arms. I looked down at her and stuff went off inside me. And I said, "Hey sweetie. your name is Pancake, my name is Mommie. Mommie loves you."

I had come into my role. I was her Momma. I felt it.

And it was good.

So, now my task is to ask God for some help. I obviously need some help healing here. Because my daughter's birth was trauma. I don't want to carry this anymore. I will hold up my hands and let God take this from me. I will pray. I will pray. I will pray. I will let Him take all the fear and the blood and the guts because this is not mine any more. I'll let His love wash over me and heal everything inside.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Went to bed at like 8 oclock last night. So tired this morning. Slept too long but not enough. I am climbing my way out of the first trimester but I'm not all the way done yet.

Bizzarro dreams. My left hip hurts because I sleep on my left side, all spoon with the body pillow. Apparently I didn't roll, I just layed there on my left side. Mr. Hall came to bed and I murmured . . . "try not to touch me, I'm going to throw up." YEP. These is sexy times . . sexy times. . .

And I'm tired of sounding like a broken record here. So let's change the tune.

Swam in the inground pool yesterday. It came with the house we bought. OH MY GAWD YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO GET ONE OF THOSE. The water was cool and the pool liner was so smooth under my feet. The kids were going absolutely bananas, splashing around, giggling, hollering. I loved how the water came up to my waist, coating and pressing me with it's chill.

The liner is this wonderful shade of blue and everything was so blue. So soothing. And we have these trees, these huge trees that line our property. Hawks were milling about, surveying our backyard for lunch.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Oh my good people. It has been a long month of pukey morning sickness. And for this I deserve something. Oh wait, I'm growing a baby. That's more than enough reward :)

I feel things are changing though. I'm starting to surface a little more. I still feel nauseous but I can eat more than two bites at a time now. I can stay awake more than 3 hours without a cat nap. I feel myself waking up. Which is kind of like waking up after after a disaster really. Only the apocalypse happened on my looks. My surface looks road construction, all tore up with a jackhammer. My hair is longer, but my roots are out of control. My nails and toenails are out sorts. I am pudgy and sore.

BUT. I'm here. Talking and walking. Standing upright a little more. My facial muscles are relaxing and I'm smiling. Coworkers say I look much less green these days. All of which is AWESOME.

I am ten weeks today. The baby has fingernails. Her arms and legs are moving. I can't feel her yet but soon . . soon. so yeah. Here's to surfacing. And ten weeks. Every week is a miracle.

So happy am I!

I realize this video was about the number 12 but sue me. There are no decent sesame street videos about number 10.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

so. it appears to be official. we will not be going with the lovely midwife, but with my high powered, fast talking OB GYN. She's a marathon runner. Skinny. Short hair.

Not that it matters. I will have a doula or birth coach as I labor. Doctors are generally called as needed during the labor. And who ever is on call that weekend will be my doctor.

So now I have to see this OB GYN once a month and I'm trying not to get in a snit about it. I can say the saying is true, "doctors and nurses make the worst patients". this is true. we are the worst patients because we've seen backstage, we've seen the strings.

And this doctor, she is so fast and high powered. And asks probing personal questions like when I had sex last. How much dairy I'm eating. And I bristle because who is she to be asking me anything. And she's not gentle. She's good. And THURAH.

Ok. I'll just go once a month, hopefully she's won't have to touch my lady parts each time. Seriously, the woman gave me a breast exam that left me sore. She's good. And THURAH.

AND. The thing that gets me is that to see her, it's a ten dollar co pay. To see a midwife, the whole thing is out of pocket. 3000 dollars out of pocket. Which I would have negotiated down but still. Stupid insurance.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

THE STUPID FRICKING PHOTO WON'T LOAD SO JUST PRETEND THERE'S ONE. RIGHT HERE. USE YOUR IMAGINATION. PICTURE ANYTHING YOU WANT.

So, writing to keep sane here. The morning sickness is kind of overwhelming when there is a lull at work. If I'm busy I can just plow through. But, these down times are just killer.

So I write here. On the company dime.

And it's not so much the morning sickness as it is the zofran. Which is an anti-nausea medication I'm taking. Which reduces the morning sickness to a reasonable level. It helps me keep food down. But at the same time it makes me feel so floaty. Disconnected from my body and so tired.

Lord howdy being pregnant. whew. Mr. Hall says, "It's not a symbiotic relationship, being pregnant. It's like a parasite really." Then, like most men, proceeds to tell me all sorts of things I can do to feel better. To easy the constant feeling that I'm going to throw up. To ease my hooded eyes and sore boobins.

"Make sure you drink your gatorade. And try to go for a quick walk. And . . . "

AND THAT'S WHEN I KIND OF SNAP.

MIRACLE!!! IT'S A MIRACLE NOT A PARASITE. I'M SO TIRED,

I say.

Why do men need to rush in and fix things?

gah.

That being said, had a fabulous encounter with a co-worker. She hadn't seen mE in a few weeks and stopped in to say hi. She took one look at me and said, "OH! You're pregnant aren't you?" And I was kind of shocked that she knew but she did. "I recognize that pukey/exhausted look anytime!" Then we hugged a little and it felt good.

Which is another thing I need to work on. I'm so out of sorts I can't stand being touched that much. Mr. Hall, my poor husband. Can't even give me a back rub without me slapping his hand away. It's not sexy these days of yore. gah.

Alright, I gotta wrap this up. Gotta end this on a positive note, something funny. Something touching and warm.

We are thinking about the next baby after this one. This baby love we have, we just get so greedy about it. Our kids, the 8 and 4 year old, they are such wonderful little people. So smart, so adventurous. And loving. And best friends with each other.

We just get so greedy for all this family love. It's so awesome being a tribe.

PICTURE A TOUCHING PHOTO OF ME AND THE KIDS. THAT'S WHAT I WOULD PUT HERE BUT THE PHOTOS WON'T LOAD. :)

Monday, May 16, 2011

I don't want to jinx this but my life is pretty lazy right now. I think this is a combination of default and design. Sure I've accomplished things, mom, wife, mental health nurse practitioner, which required a master's degree . . . etc.

But for the most part. I'm lazy as all get out.

i had a dream last night that I was talking with a former friend. She was going to be surgeon but fell in love and decided that the surgeon's hours were not conducive to a normal life. She has a practice in California. She's a family doctor I think. She's also a marathon runner, a mom of one and one on the way. Makes most everything from scratch. I'm tired just listening to her.

Anyway, she was in my dream and I was telling her I'm never on call. I don't work nights or weekends and I have every other Tuesday off. My kids are spoiled silly with all this parent love they have. Even now that Daddy has a part time job, he still works from home. He continues to drop the kids off and pick them up from school.

Except we've taken Little Mac, my 4 year old, out of day care. Which is weird for me. Panic inducing even... "He has his little friends at school . . . he'll fall behind academically . . . they love him there . . . " I pleaded.

Mr. Hall said, "We pay X00 a month for this. He naps an hour and half during the day there. What are we paying for anyway? It makes more sense to keep him home for a while. We have a pool, he'll spend the summer swimming with his sister."

And I bucked about it but I can see his point. I think my biggest objection really, if I look deep down inside, is that I'm lazy. I like to lounge on my days off. Cross stitching, reading, yoga-ing, napping. I like my me time.

But. I am his Momma so I've made a plan. I can't really teach Mac much right now, with being all sicky these days, pregnant and all. But I can teach him to chill out more. To lounge in the sun a little more. Blow bubbles more. Then, we'll go to the park and he can run around and be crazy with other short people while I read a little in the shade. :)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

When Mr. Hall and I starting dating, we would rent movies. Only we would talk through them. We talked a lot. tons andtonsandtonsoftalking.

Then. We went and saw films in the theater. He was the first man who brought me to a foreign film. I didn't have to explain or beg or bargain for this. He likes foreign films too. He was my first boyfriend who likes the foreign films.

"They have naked boobies in the French films", he would joke.

:)

So we saw Amelie. As we were buying tickets, we noticed the title spelled out phonically , like this: Amelie (Ah May Lee)

Saturday, May 14, 2011

That's the little baby up in mah belly. Amazing that they can take photographs of little babies in bellies.

She's nine weeks now. And my crazy keeps growing. I talk to her, tell her all about her family, about her big brother and big sister. How they are careful around her already. My daughter says things like, "Mommy's growing a baby, that's why she's on the couch all the time."

And the sickness continues but I'm managing better. This too shall pass.

More inside craziness is happening. There are bilateral tendons attached from each hip to the womb. They start out 2 inches and eventually stretch to 12 as the pregnancy progresses. As such, when I sneeze or twist the wrong way they smart something fierce. Mr. Hall says, "Things are blossoming". My pants don't quite fit anymore. Which is awesome. I love wearing dresses. :)

But mostly, I'm just crazy inside. I have all this love and squishiness over the wee one. I've let myself fall hook line and sinker. I've dived in head first loving this little one with all my might. All my crazy comes tumbling out as I show the ultrasound picture to anyone who will look.

I mean, look at her! With her wee butt, and head. And arm buds. But, she's nine weeks today.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

and so comforting. because i am so exhausted. slept 10 hours last night and could barely stay awake during work today. and still so nauseous. i am getting kind of snippy too. everyone wants something from me and I line them up. they can wait, i'll get to it. eventually.

Monday, May 9, 2011

for those that are new, i'm a mental health provider. i work with people who have mental health problems.

Like being angry all the time.

I've written about men's anger before. Men are obvious when angry, the break stuff, punch walls, scream and throw things. Women are more internally angry. Their rage seethes, burning slowly. For the most part, it explodes in passive aggression and self hatred.

That being said, some women are outwardly angry and have no idea why they are being perceived as such a bitch. Self perception is a funny thing. Most people that show up at my office thinking they are good actors, hiding what's wrong. Like no one can tell. It's my job to read people. I see things a mile away.

Sometimes I don't even have to look. I hear it in the waiting room even before they come into my office.

Like the woman that saw me last week. Angry as a cat forced to take a bath. She was very loud and obtuse. She was hollering almost the entire time. My attempts at talking her down were met with spiky oppositions and snide remarks. Not a fun visit. It was short. I'm getting to old to baby the tantrums that some of my patients have.

And what was she mad about?

What the womens are always made about-the mens.

THE MENS! The mens that drink to much, fool around too much, lay around on the couch too much and generally provide nothing more than an extra child to the women they love. The extra child being the husbands of course.

And it's not that the men are abusive, they are just leeches.

And the woman goes on and on about this bastard. And I'm trying to listen but wow really? You didn't know he was an asshole before you married him? You didn't notice he's NEVER HAD A JOB? You didn't realize that his felony criminal record MIGHT BE A BARRIER TO A GOOD CREDIT RATING?

I swear, it makes no sense. These women, they are not RETARDS. They are often accomplished and smart. But they pull these losers into their lives. And they have the right to be angry. I would be angry. Who wants a lump of clay for a husband?

But here's the thing. All this blowhard bitchy anger serves a purpose. If they get mad, they don't have to do anything but get mad. They don't have to plan on getting out of the relationship. They don't have to evict the leech. They just have to yell and scream and oh poor me. There is a lot of seduction in that type of attention.

Which is why I kept the visit short. I was not going to give that type of attention. That and she was starting to turn the anger on me. Because I wasn't giving into her poor me routine. gah.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Was feeling faboosh yesterday morning. Complete absence of morning sickness and exhuastion. I also had a hankering for french toast. OoooOOooo french toast with it's bread dipped in eggy goodness, tossed on the griddle and browned just right. Then the butters and the syrups! And powdered sugars!! OOo la la! Oui! Oui!

I even had real coffee! It was awesome. I've been living on Gatorade, peppermints and pretzels for the last week. The french toast tasted so divine. OOo la la! Oui! Oui!

I felt so good in fact that I took us all for a walk in the woods. The trees, the sunshine, ooh! It was all such fun! We even saw a beaver. LA BEAVER LOVE! OOo la la! Oui! Oui!

Then. As we trekked back the nature center it started again. I felt the nausea creeping back into my joints and belly. My eyes became hooded and I left to lay down in the car. Which really, it's my fault. Mommy wasn't careful.

I've been praying for God to help with my worries and fears about this pregnancy. Not so long after, my entire body was commandeered by the sicky and tireds. Which is kind of awesome when you think about it. I mean, my entire body is being overtaken by something the size of a kidney bean. I am just a vessel at this point.

Which is kind of a metaphor for motherhood. These babies just march right in and take over the place. First your body, then your life.

Cheeky little monkeys!

Needless to say, I didn't hold onto the french toast for long. ( I would like to apologize to the bushes outside the nature center. Really, sorry guys). Then Mr. Hall drove us home and offered to take the kids adventuring (a.k.a picking up yard sticks) so I could recover and moan in peace. I love that man of mine.

Later in the afternoon, Pancake crawled into bed with me. She's been noticing I've been sick these last few days. She is starting to worry. So I tell her. "Mommy's pregnant." Which really, it's my fault. Mommy wasn't careful. (HEE HEE)

And her eyes got wide and she is careful absorbing that news. I tell her we are praying and hoping and placing all of this in God's hands because the baby has a long way to grow. Then we hug.

Then I tell her it's ok that I'm sick because I was very sick when I was pregnant with her. Then I give her a wee spank. Because man o man, it was exactly like this with Pancake's pregnancy. Not so much with Mac though.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

i get a call from my brother Sunday. He said he's getting married in July. To the girl he's been living with for 10 years. The girl he charges rent.

And I'm excited for him. Bewildered though. I mean, what's the big rush? Two months? They've been together for 10 years. Huh, well, I guess it's just time.

then.

THEN.

My mom calls up practically screaming. NO wait, she is screaming-- with excitement. My brother and his NOW fiancee are expecting. "I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA TWICE AGAIN THIS YEAR!!! YOU AND CARRIE ARE BOTH DUE AT THE SAME TIME!!" And I'm having hard time hearing my mom, and she's all worked up. Then she came over and repeated this like six times. She's so happy about this. I had to practically scrape her off the ceiling.

It's always bugged her that my brother never married Carrie. It's kind of bugged me to. My brother bugs me in general though. Dude lives 15 minutes away and never visits his niece and nephew.

Well, it is nice though. I'm going to be an Auntie! Nice! WOOT!

Then.

THEN.

My rude Dad asked the RUDE question of whether or not this new bambino was planned. And no, this little baby of my brother's was a happy, joyous unplanned happening. But you know what they say, "You make plans and God laughs."

So now I'm excited on several levels. First, I'm going to be an Auntie! Then, I'm going to use this opportunity to TRY to get closer to my brother. Well, get closer to Carrie. Then, I'm excited because my kids will have a cousin. AND THEN, I'm excited that Mr. Hall and I are no longer the only provider of grandchildren. That is exciting.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!

I'm excited because it's about time I had some family gossip to share.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

so. started zofran for the nasuea. which I think is helping. I don't feel the bone crushing nausea so acutely. I can let the kids sit on my lap without flinching at their smell. I can still only tolerate a few bites of food at a time, but at least I can tolerate that. I'm going to try and go back to work today. Here's hoping I have an uneventful day.

speaking of better living through chemistry-have you seen alcohol infused whipped cream?

WHAT DO WE THINK?

Would you try it? Would you buy it @ 12.00 dollars a can? Do you think it would provide any tastiness to your cocktail?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Went to visit the birth suites today, at the local hospital. Mr. Hall is not entirely sold on the midwife home birth idea. He likes to explore all his options. It was a tough visit. I am pukey and sore. And so tired. yay first trimester stuff.

offt. I am so enveloped by all this pregnancy stuff. I can't even think right. So apologies for the lack of smart, quirky and fun posts.

I can say though that I kind of lost it during the tour. All those tiny diapers in the post-partum rooms. All this boobin soreness and feeling like I am gonna throw up. All this pregnancy stuff . . . All of this is so reassuring. My entire being is being taken over by the wee bambino.

Then I started thinking about Mac's birth. Which was so awesome. Seven hours of awesome. Epidural didn't work. He came au natural and nursed like a champ. It was so beautiful and magnificent. So I kind of started crying on the tour. Losing it in the best way possible.

Yeah, I'm kind of mess right now. It's awesome. It's like I'm swimming under the sea.