Friday, August 12, 2005

The Pope John Paul Movie

The Hallmark channel will feature a film about the life of Pope John Paul. It’s going to be premiering on Monday night, so if you’re one of the ten people that actually watch the Hallmark channel, you’re in for a real treat.

As you can imagine, I’m pretty upset about this broadcast. Why did it have to premier on the Hallmark channel? Nobody even watches that channel. It’s the only cable channel that dares list Walker Texas Ranger, Matlock, and Dr. Quinn Medicine woman on its weekly programming lineup. I’d rather be watching CSPAN.

To be totally honest, I’m mostly upset because this premier doesn’t give me much hope. If J.P. can only get a Monday night movie on the Hallmark Channel, what am I going to get? At this rate, I’ll be lucky to even get a direct-to-video distribution deal.

Well your holiness, best start thinking about your legacy, you're not getting any younger. I'm thinking maybe David Lynch would be more down your alley. Certainly the blog should give you an added measure of papal rememberence.

Try starting a scandal. If you do that, Michael Moore will make a movie about you that will get in theatres. Try drinking to excess, taking off your pope clothing and running naked through St. Peter's Square; then pretend you are one of the Swiss Guard; getting naked under a table with a waitress might help, too. It worked for Ted Kennedy. Also, don't forget to embezzle some money. That's always good for a big scandal.

Another thing to remember is that John Paul II had a TV personality. You just look like an old German man without much TV presence. Try hiring a publicist. A personal trainer wouldn't hurt, either.

Why not do a Holy Big Brother show? Or rather Big Father? Yourself, a few cardinals and nuns of course? You'd have landslide viewing figures and just think what you could do with the prize money? A new printer for sure!