I know amusement park rides have already been addressed but I wanted to bring up an offshoot that has not been discussed and that is the water park. Don’t get me wrong many of the big brethren love the water and can often be seen gleefully splashing about like grossly disfigured monstrous dolphins. But when it comes to water parks, especially waterslides, many of us encounter some uncomfortable experiences.

First and foremost there is the swim suit. Often times with a normal pool one can make their way from changing area directly to the pool without much fear of being stared or laughed at, or in some cases screamed at by small children. Once in the pool the refractory properties of the water can often disguise the horrendous shapes lurking below. In a water park however, one must walk about from one spot to another. Men usually try and hide themselves and there man boobs by wearing a t-shirt along with the swim trunks. This however only makes the problems more obvious to everyone and draws even more attention to oneself. Much of the time that could be spent enjoying the aquatic goodness is spent pulling the clinging wet shirt away from the body, which typically makes an intense loud suction noise that is heard by all around. This can also cause a full belly hickey should it occur too often in one day.

Many of the slides and rides do not allow you to wear a t-shirt and the ones that do can often times cause the shirt to pull up and around a persons neck, not only strangling the individual but exposing the blinding white voluminous flesh to all those waiting at the bottom. (if the sun is just right when the gleaming white butterball pops out that once can be blinded for an extended amount of time) The women on the other hand also have to make some hard clothing decisions. The most popular option for a plus size women is the bathing suit with the horribly ugly skirt section attached to the bottom. It is one of the only clothing attachments that is so obviously added on for the sole purpose of hiding a large front and backside. They try to make it sound pleasing by calling it a “swim skirt” but really should take a term on like “fat blinders” or “cottage cheese shields”

Then we come to the rides themselves. Often times the slides require climbing up great amounts of stairs (yes stairs will make an appearance on here…need not worry). I’m not a math wiz but…

Stairs + big + hot + sweaty + wet + gigantic person = Heart Attack!

Once up to the top the greasy beat down big person gasping for air must choose the slide they need to go down. There are usually several options, most of which provide different but equally challenging choices. First there is the slow side. The slow side typically does not have enough water rushing through it to provide enough momentum to get the person to the bottom. When the rotund waterfowl starts they have great momentum and gravity helping them race down the tubes… then… their fatness kicks gravity and momentum in the ass. So much so that almost three quarters of the rest of the decent is spent scooting large amounts of flesh down the slide a bit at a time hoping to get to the bottom before a foot of a small child going full speed is implanted in their back. If someone needs to get a better visual of this… take a pack of chewing gum… chew it up… then try to move it through a 25 foot garden hose…. Good luck with that.

The next option is the twisty slide. This slide will provide enough momentum to get one down but the twists and turns along with the roundness of the individual will send the fatty flaying about topsy turvy in a manner that many big’uns find so frightening that they will see their whole fat lives flash before their little fat eyes. Often this is compounded by the intake of water and the bumping of heads as they are tossed about like a dying fish in bucket. That is unless they get wedged in one of the turns. When this happens the individual is stuck in one of the turns until enough water pressure and additional sliders build up behind them to blast them through like piece of pork fat gristle out a gargantuan’s mouth after being given the Heimlich maneuver.

The third option is the fast slide, as mentioned before though, no T-shirts allowed. Because of this the sweaty greased up fat back will give the rider even more speed. Once at the bottom of the slide the individual has so much momentum that they are plunged so far and so deep into the exit pool that, with the limited lung capacity (you can’t have that much weight on anything and expect it to fully expand) that the amount of time spent underwater can be life threatening.

One of the last dangers at a water park is only if the big guy decides to go all out with no t-shirt. And that is the consumption of the chocolate ice cream waffle cone. Because when fat people eat they typically spill. The fat man will often end up with ice cream in their chest hair that is difficult to get out. If the man has no chest hair he must also be worried about others in his fat Pod being so over come by the site of more ice cream that they may all jump on the man and start feverishly licking him. This can cause quite a scene and is a great source of embarrassment.