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I too experienced this desire to sew my eyelids shut during his movie.

Having enjoyed Paranormal Activity 4, I thought I’d give this a chance. It was a serious mistake, and I feel cheated out of an hour and a half of my life. I could have gone for a lovely walk. I could have written a poem. Hell, I could have played with my kids. But no – I watched this tidal wave of drivel for 84 minutes.

If anybody cares (you don’t), it follows the story of three teenage friends, one of whom finds a bite mark on his arm. He experiences some cool superhuman powers like being able to lean over a bit, then becomes possessed. The plot is laboured and pointless; it’s like it exists only to justify the daft ending of the previous film. It doesn’t make sense as the events only tie together if you take wild leaps of assumption, and even then it’s still fairly incoherent; it has the feel of a horror film put together by a committee of really bad media studies students. The only moment of enjoyment to be had in this film is when the fat kid falls on his arse.

It bears no resemblance to the preceding Paranormal Activity films, with only token links to the previous ones in order to justify its title. It is a thoroughly pointless film which at no point ventures above its own personal zenith of dreadful.

I was once told that the words ‘explosive diarrhoea’ were considered an example of onomatopoeia as your lips make the same movements saying it as your arse does when you experience it. I would imagine the same could be said of Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones as I imagine your lips make the same movements saying it as whatever sphincter it was that ejected this nonsense into a script did.

Drew Pontikis is an avid gamer and film fanatic. A fan of racing sims, first person shooters and horror films, Drew is notable for talking almost exclusively using Futurama quotes. Follow him on Twitter as @drew060609 or read his game reviews at http://obscenegaming.wordpress.com.

Of the 365 movies I watched in 2013, this was officially the worst. Dirty Sanchez is the British answer to Jackass. Unfortunately this movie lacks any of the redeeming qualities (such as they are) of the Jackass movies. Also, these guys are obsessed with their penises and it gets old quickly. Look at it this way: I watched it (somehow) so nobody who reads this will ever have to. Please, if you’re at any risk of watching this, just don’t.

I’ve seen a few candidates for worst movie ever, but none are quite as entertaining as The Room. I’ve watched it several times now and each time I notice new and hilarious terribleness. Highly recommended, particularly with a group. The greetings… the sex scenes… the terrible dubbing… the football… the roof… Denny’s drug subplot… Claudette’s throwaway cancer reference… it’s all comedy gold, none intentional. “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”