We, the strong, Moral Majority, Religious Right, Conservative Core Conscience of America have delivered this country from eight years of (probably) Kenyan Sharia Socialist Hell and delivered it unto the open, outstretched, loving arms of our nation’s savior…Donald J. Trump! We, the Trumpvangelicals, are so very blessed in your name, Heavenly Father to be sent such a worthy and noble vessel, this Trumpian child of yours!

Praise Donald, in the Name of Jesus!

There is not a single man on this planet better suited or more qualified to lead this country back to a life more aligned with the teachings of Jesus Christ than Donald Trump! Christ overturned the money changers’ and pharisees’ tables in the temple, and Donald Trump is a money changer and pharisee! How beautifully ironic your work is, O Lord! We know, we trust, we believe this is God’s divine hand at work, and we are so grateful to thee, O Lord!

We know you taught us that it’s easier to thread the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven. We know you told us that earthly things are earthly and cannot be taken with us. We know that you taught us, O Lord, to value human kindness, love, and generosity of spirit above all material things, and that’s why we know you’ve given us a man of great material worth, a man who may seem at first to mostly only care about that worth, to lead us all forward, into a future in your image, Dear God Above! We prayer your further confusion will be to our benefit, O Lord!

We remember, Sweet Lord Above, that your only begotten son came to Earth to teach us to be benevolent, and kind to everyone. He taught us we will be judged by how we treat not the highest, but the lowest among us. He told us the importance of caring for those with no money, the poor and destitute.

Which is why we know, Great God Of Ours, why you sent us a man who will help Paul Ryan gut the social safety net! Nothing says, “Taking care of the poor” like not actually taking care of the poor, right O Lord? Surely when our elderly and homeless are eating cat food out of a tin, we will have fulfilled one of your son’s most precious admonishments to care for those who need it. And we know that they’ll be truly grateful for the gruel they are given, when we feel like giving them gruel.

Jesus washed the feet of the poor, and Donald Trump will help put them on the streets, where their bare feet can get dirty enough for Jesus to wash them! It’s a miracle, Lord!

Christ healed the sick. Without request for compensation, Jesus Our Lord would help the blind see. He healed the lepers. He brought people back from the grip of death. Therefore it is only fitting your savior, our savior, the Voice of the Good and Pure Evangelical Conservative America, would help us repeal Obamacare. Taking care of the sick is one thing, God, is it not better to weed out those with pre-existing conditions? Did Jesus not say in the Sermon on the Mount “Blessed are those who protect insurance provider profit margins,” O Lord?

Glory to thee, God in the Highest Above for answering our long unanswered prayers and sending us a holy warrior to fight the evils of sin among us. Through this thrice-married man we will bring back good, clean, Christian marriage values. Who better exemplifies the biblical marriage than the First Couple? An obvious business arrangement where sexual intercourse is a duty, performed solely for lineage purposes? That is a marriage arrangement right out of the Old Testament if ever we’ve seen one, O Lord! Finally, a return to morality, through our nation’s saving grace…Donald J. Trump!

Praise Donald, in the Name of Jesus!

We are grateful, O Lord, for helping us defeat the Communist Democrats by giving Donald a way to communicate with a country run by a former KGB agent. You truly do work in mysterious ways, Lord. For decades we have been paranoid about the Soviet Union, or Russia, and now that we have some pretty good evidence that Trump and Russia were at least aware of each other’s mutual interests and likely colluded on some level, we see that we were right to be paranoid, but also we’re right now to see no problem with the cozy relationship between Trump and Putin. It’s truly amazing how you let us be right all the time, no matter what, O God!

Most importantly in all of this, Dear God, you knew, in your infinite wisdom that we’d be duped into voting for Trump. But you also knew he is a brash man and could do something worthy of impeachment. So you gave us the Lantern Jawed Bigot Mike Pence. Maybe, deep down, God, we’re just thankful we have him on our bench. Because while we may have to turn blind eye after blind eye to the glaring and unavoidable, paradoxical hypocrisy of Trump’s values and ours, we know that Mr. Pence would be the religious zealot this country built on the freedom of and from religion truly needs and deserves.

Praise Donald, in the Name of Jesus…but thank fucking God for Mike Pence, are we right, God? Right?