Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Let's see if I can piece something interesting together today. I think I may have broken my brain yesterday with the massive amounts of alcohol I consumed. My guess is it had something to do with the 32 oz. mixed drinks I started pounding at 2PM. But you will all be happy to know that I achieved my goal of being a retarded mess by 10PM. The GF wasn't as proud of that as I currently am. Thank you Memorial Day weekend for allowing me the opportunity to drink like a college kid again.

Oh. And while I remember...go fuck yourself Facebook for those stupid fucking posters getting plastered all over by mindless mouth breathing shit eaters. Thanks for the reminder that Memorial Day isn't National BBQ day because I almost fucking forgot the purpose behind this holiday. Fucking cunts. Just because we like to grill out when the warm weather permits us to does not mean we have gone completely fucking brain dead and have successfully mentally erased the true meaning behind this holiday. What would you rather I do to celebrate? Dig a foxhole in my front yard? Rig my property with land mines? Build a sniper tower? Watch the Band of Brothers marathon dressed up like General Patton while randomly barking out racial obscenities? Rip off my own 21 gun salute in the middle of Central Avenue? Go stab a Korean with a home made bayonet? Jesus Christ, people. Stop being so God damn uptight. No one's disrespecting the military and those who sacrificed for our freedom by eating four hot dogs then getting blacked the fuck out drunk. So we certainly don't need "motivational posters" letting us know how despicable you think we are. So once again...get fucked. MAN I feel better. Wooo!

Fuck it...let's just stick with ranting today. I noticed this yesterday and really never knew how much this shit bothered me. I'll set the stage. Yesterday as I was trying to rid the world of it's alcohol overpopulation problem, a few friends came over to help me fight the good fight. Teamwork, right? So...let's call him Randy...comes over and instantly grabs the remote and changes it to the Tigers game. I didn't bitch because it was a lot better option than the mind rotting trash that was on before that my GF happened to be watching. I don't remember exactly what the show was...I just remember blowing off my own fucking testicles with a potato gun sounded like a better scenario. At that point, I welcomed the baseball match. I think the Tigers were up by a point.

So about five innings in, Randy's girlfriend (let's call her Bridgette) sits down and starts watching the game with everyone. Now, I've known Bridgette for about 2 years now and the one thing she hates more than common sense and rational deductive reasoning is all things sports. And when I say hate, I'm talking hates sports more than I hate poison. And I don't think I need to tell you all how much I hate poison. All of a sudden, Bridgette stands up and starts violently shouting at the TV when some terrible player hit into a double play to end the inning. After that she keeps telling Randy to check out the replays and attempts to break down the plays with Costas like precision annoyance. I was flabbergasted.

Now...I'm all for girls enjoying sports. Hell, I encourage the fuck out of that shit. I've successfully turned my GF into a Browns fan so I have someone to be fucking miserable with until the day I die. I've even convinced her to join a fantasy football league I'm in (pretty damn proud of that one) so I can essentially get back from her all of the money I've spent on her over the last two years. I know...I'm a pretty incredible guy! But here's where I draw the motherfucking line. Do NOT act like you've been a fan of that team since birth and pretend to care to the point where you get bulging vein, red faced screaming at the TV when we all know in 45 minutes you could give a flying fuck about the outcome of that game. You've only been watching this sport for as long as you have been with your current boyfriend. So how could you possibly care on the same psychotic level as said boyfriend does in that short amount of time? It took all of us YEARS to perfect raving lunacy about our teams. Acting like you've achieved that status in a year and a half is just fucking insulting. To everyone. Just because your boyfriend gets that way doesn't mean you have to get that way. We (at least I do) actually prefer if you don't get that way. Be the silent wallflower. We need someone to balance us out. There's only room for one loud mouth, overly obsessed crazy fucking idiot when it pertains to sports in a relationship. Any more than one and you'll end up fist fighting the person you're with once emotions start running a little hot.

But here's the main reason you don't do that. At some point this will happen: Awhile back I was wearing a Michigan football t-shirt in a bar and this cunty fucking whore prances up and starts talking shit to me about how Ohio is better. She was sure to add that she's an Ohio fan because her boyfriend is. Like you needed to tell me that. That fact was more obvious than a banana being dick shaped. So. Being the equal rights kinda guy that I am, I instantly started letting her have it from every angle. You talk shit about my team...I'm defending them. It's how most of us are wired. DEAL WITH IT. So what does she do? She runs off and fuckin tattles on me to her boyfriend. Then he has to play Mr. Tough Tits and confront me about it. My closing argument was simple: I said, if you don't want me verbally embarrassing your girlfriend in a crowd of several strangers, tell her to keep her mouth shut about shit she has no clue about. At that point I think it started to make sense to him and he shuffled off to give her a lesson in shutting the fuck up. Don't be that girl. You just look stupid when you put your 18 month sport knowledge up against a grizzled vet of 15+ years. And you could potentially get your boyfriend's shit kicked. So fucking stop it already.

And one final thing...if you're going to pretend to get all bunged up when your fake favorite team isn't playing up to the absurd lofty expectations you've set for them...at least scream the right name. Loudly cursing BRIAN Raburn's name makes you look like an even bigger shit head than normal. Because no one knows who the fuck Brian Raburn is. Because he's NOT A REAL FUCKING PLAYER! Well, I guess you could make the argument that neither is Ryan Raburn. According to Tigers fans, he sounds pretty fucking worthless. Holy shit, guys. I feel so much better. We need to do this more often. I hope you all enjoyed your National BBQ day as much as I did.

31 comments:

On the contrary, Grump. I'm the guy who has a $100 bar tab waiting for him when he wakes up because he felt it necessary to buy everyone in the bar a shot. I'm an idiotic drunk. And there's a huge difference.

Couldn't agree more about that Memorial Day rant. That picture about the bbq totes got a response "sucks to be them. I'll have mine medium rare" from me. Im proud and very appreciative of all the service, but we fucking get it. It sucks.

And the wives/gfs are the worst. You are not brave. You are not special. Do you really need recognitiom for not throwing your snatch around while your boy is playing GI Joe?

While women pretending to know about sports is retarded, I will at least give them credit for trying.

I've even convinced her to join a fantasy football league I'm in (pretty damn proud of that one)--STOP RIGHT THERE. You failed. You just did. I'm not going to explain it any further, just know that you are the problem.

If a guy walks into my house and turns on the Tigers, he will be asked to leave as soon as he turns it back to Toddlers and Tiaras.

Women should not be allowed to get red-faced at their "team". They need to be the voice of reason indeed. Occasionally, I will scream at the tv and it is my wife's job to remind me of how stupid I am being. She should not be egging me on to be louder. That is why women are here...to prevent men from being 100% ridiculous and keep us at only about 75-80%.

I guess that I'm just old-fashioned. And don't worry, Ide, The Dink is not dead. He's just going to need to get to the makeup trailer a few hours earlier now.

Just another way for us to flex our dominating male dick muscles, G$. Having a girl play FF is no different than the one or two slags that never pay attention in your fantasy league from the jump. Because there's always at least one every single year.

How fucking old did the Celtics look last night? And I don't care what Tim Duncan's saggy balls said on Sunday...the Thunder are still winning that series.

Yeah, I'm with G$ on that one. Women in fantasy leagues is not cool at all. I say some absolutely terrible things on the boards in my leagues...and have terrible team names...no way do I want a woman in there. That's a man thing.

I don't know any chicks that get red faced mad over sports...even fake mad. So, I'm pretty happy that I haven't had to endure any situations like the one you did yesterday. It would definitely bother me a great deal.

The Heat are gonna win that series in 5.

G$'s "Toddlers and Tiaras" quip reminded me...has anyone ever seen the train wreck of a show called "Birth Moms"? While avoiding the heat on Sunday there was a marathon of the trash shows on TLC. One of the shows was called "Birth Moms". Basically it follows around women that are pregnant and giving up their kids for adoption. Except they are fucking terrible Moms. By terrible..I mean they pretty much all smoke cigarettes and at one point one of them was just pounding margaritas and taking shots of tequila. Wild and disgusting group of people.

Ice, you can tear the uninterested male owner to shreds for starting half of a team that is on IR and being a guy that wants to fondle your scrote. You can't do that with women unless you're a BRAH. So, in a way, I'm being chivalrous by not subjecting women to the horrors of fantasy smack.

For example, two years ago, I named my DFL team "Jade Juniper's Muff". Jade Juniper is a local 12-13 year old girl that does radio spots with her dad for some asshole bodyshop. While most DFL members that got the reference enjoyed it for what it was, some did not. And he is a guy. I can't imagine what a woman would think of me knowing that my team was a tribute to a pre-teen vagina. GOOD TIMES!

I think that on Thursday we'll have an NBA Day to discuss the conference finals and the lottery and Ron Artest wishing America a "Happy Labor Day" on Twitter yesterday. Just know that the Spurs are winning the title this year without having to play a 6th game in any series. Don't be foolish.

Well that's a guy who you don't want in a fantasy league anyway...because that shit is hilarious. I guess it helps when your GF has the same sick sense of humor you do. She's pretty fuckin twisted. You know....for a girl.

Drew, that sounds like an absolutely awesome terrible show. That's what I want in my surrogate mother...a tequilla pounding trailer park queen. I guess if the parents ever wonder why it took their kid 15 years to learn how velcro shoes work they can always use this show as a reference point.

I don't care too much about girls in fantasy sports, but it's probably best if it's a full on coed league rather than having one girl in an otherwise male league. Kind of like adult rec sports.

I want those same people reminding everyone how hard we all worked, killing ourselves to get to the weekend, or even working on the weekend from time to time, just to earn Labor Day. Cause that shit wouldn't exist without the work force.

Game of Thrones was phenomenal on Sunday. One of the best hours of tv ever made, IMO.

Iceman...one of the girls said her jobs was being an escort. Obviously all of them were fat too. I was thinking how wild it would be to be one of the guys that has to film these pieces of trash pounding shots of tequila while preggers. At one point one of the girls just screamed at a waitress, "I DON'T WANT WINE...I WANT TEQUILA!".

G$...that is an ELITE team name. How did the one guy tell you he didn't like the team name and what did he say? What a douche.

I believe that he complained to Dut about it. I figured it out quickly who it was. It's part of the reason that I am RULES COMMITTEE now. We don't need no stinkin' gashes in the league anymore.

Although, to be fair, during the inaugural season of the DFL, my team logo was an actual photo of Nicole Brown Simpson's corpse so, you know, maybe I need to tone it down a bit. That was a pretty tough site to unsee. So maybe the complainer saw a trend forming and wanting it to stop. Oh, it stopped alright. It stopped when I won the fucking title this year in the name of Caylee Anthony.

I'm kind of bummed I missed the festivities at your house Ice but the lake made me drink WAAAAY too many beers. I didn't make it back home until late last night. A 3 hour trip to the family cottage on Sunday turned into a 2 day bender. God Bless 'Merica.

Chicks in fantasy sports is a no go for me. What if, and I know it's a big what if, they beat you? I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if a broad finished above me in the final standings. Although, if she finishes above one of your friends in the league, that is some tasty ammo right there.

Never in a thousand years, Brady. It would take my entire roster going on the IR in a span of 6 weeks to even sniff that possibility. And even then I'm still saying there's a less than 5% chance a girl beats me.

All you missed late night was me acting like a complete and total jackass, Brady. But that's worth the price of admission right there, I would think.

Until that tornado-dodger starts posting comments and develops penile symptoms, she can get fucked.

Ide, let's call him "Brant".

My recent trash TV escapades has led me to a LOT of Storage Wars. I really want to watch Dave get beheaded. My wee-wee has a strange reaction to Brandy. She looks so much better standing next to white trash Darrell and white trash Darrell's son.

I watched Hatfield & McCoy's as well. Fantastic stuff, but I'm also super gay for history stuff like that. I only saw what I needed to from last night's game. The first quarter and the last minute of the 4th.

Bring it on, Grumpy. I welcome that challenge. But good luck getting G$ to agree to that.

I don't have a problem with girls in fantasy leagues, as long as they know what they are doing. The only exception to this rule would be if you had a lot of social events for fantasy league members (drafts, super bowl parties, etc...), because those events give you a legitimate excuse to get away from the women.

A woman won one of my leagues this past year. However, she really knows her shit and actually drinks, talks shit, and swears like a man. Additionally, the league had an online draft due to people being all over the country, so the social aspect was not the same and, therefore, having a woman was permissible. Having a woman join the DFL and sitting through draft day and the activities that ensued would put a damper on the league.

Ice, I really enjoyed your second paragraph ranting. I especially liked the Central Avenue 21 Gun Salute. I kept thinking how cool it would be to hear the Gunny Lee Ermey say all that in drill seargant fashion.

Yeah, facebook always has that shit and you can almost predict with nearly 100% accuracy which douchers will post such things. I have considered deleting facebook a few times, but i never do. I guess there are some really cool things about facebook too.

Agreed - Game of Thrones was great on Sunday - Best episode since they cut off Neds Head

Hatfield & McCoys - Good Tv as well, looking forward to watching the other two episodes later this week.

Jade Junipers Muff - That aint right G$...but I like it!

I could give two shits if there are woman in my fantasy league. I dont think I would join a league that was half woman, but I wouldnt mind if there was one or two. Part of Fantasy Sports is the Social interaction and bragging rights, I think that would be significantly altered in a full out coed league. I think it would be minimal with one or two woman.

I played in a coed league, once. I dominated it and won (terrible league, really). I was chided for my behavior during the season and most notably during the draft, where I loudly berated everybody's pick (Arian Foster first pick). After I won, they said there would be a discussion if I were allowed back.

I told them to shove their retarded league up their assholes and gladly took their money.