Best of the Web: Professor Elemental’s “Fighting Trousers”

From time to time, I come across something on the internet that just compels me to share it here on Faceintheblue.

Today’s discovery is about as unlikely a scenario as I could imagine. There’s a British hip hop comedian whose stage name is Professor Elemental. His approach to music –which he calls ‘chap hop’– is to envision hip hop artists as Victorian-era British aristocrats.

Another British comedian, Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer, also works in chap hop, and so Professor Elemental has decided to write a diss song in the grand tradition of Tupac’s Hit’Em Up, which was directed at Biggie Smalls and the East Coast rap movement of the early 90s. The result is surprisingly toe-tapping.

I’ve put the lyrics after the video, if anyone is interested.

Fighting TrousersBy Professor Elemental
Ah, Geoffrey!
What’s that you have in your hand, boy?
Pass it over.
A telegram?
Oh, dear.
It seems someone has been “biting me..?”
Fetch me my trousers at once!
No, not those. Those are my time travel trousers.
No, those are my tea trousers…
That’s it! Those ones. My fighting trousers!

Ah, yeah!

Dear Sir,

Regarding your recent foray
into the rap business and the scene you portray,
see, I don’t normally approve of war games,
but, “He’s biting you” is what they all say.
And by Harry, they might be right!
This is hip hop, not an Elvis night.
Shelve this Professor impersonation,
let it end now. It’s impertinent waiting!
You seem a reasonable chap;
what you need to do is rap
and not parody chap hop,
’cause that’s not proper, just not cricket!
Put away your ukulele, or I’ll tell where to stick it!

I!Don’t like your tweed, sir!Will!Teach you the professor’s ready!Not!Let’s see who strikes the loudest!Lose!Put on my fighting trousers!

I’ve got super producers, and fans that play me.
You have a granddad’s mustache and a ukulele.
Don’t look around, sir. I’m speaking to you!
Roll up your shirt sleeves, Queensbury rules.
Never test professors with the cleverest wits.
Let’s settle this like gentlemen: Armed with heavy sticks.
On a rotating plate, with spikes like Flash Gordon.
And you’re Peter Duncan, I gave you fair warning!
When this George Formby clone is performing
audiences go home before he begins talking.
A new career might be more rewarding.
I’m a bright Brighton peer; you’re rap’s Piers Morgan!

I!Don’t like your tweed, sir!Will!Teach you the professor’s ready!Not!Let’s see who strikes the loudest!Lose!Put on my fighting trousers!

I’m not seeing you at ciphers or workshops with kids or gigs.
Dear sir, you’re not worthy of this!
Sold out to Coca-Cola
used for a trend
and that means you’re banned
from using a pen.
Hope it’s safe to assume you won’t do it again,
set foot on my stage and get ruined again.
Be out Mr. B, I set the egg timer.
There’s not room in town for two gentlemen rhymers.
Leave town by the end of this instrumental.
Yours, et cetera, et cetera, sincerely, and so forth,

Professor Elemental.

I!Don’t like your tweed, sir!Will!Teach you the professor’s ready!Not!Let’s see who strikes the loudest!Lose!Put on my fighting trousers!

Uhh!
Sorry, I’m sorry Geoffrey,
but it gets my goat. It gets my dander right up!
Bloody told’em…
No, no Jazz solo. This is supposed to be a diss song!

Geoffrey, get off the drums!
*Sigh*

– – –

How delightful is that? It’s not his only song, of course. I encourage you to visit his website and take a wander through YouTube.

[…] of a friend who has also dragged my reluctant self kicking and screaming into an appreciation of hip hop, Twitter, and e-publishing. Apparently, I owe him a great deal of thanks for his well-meant […]