Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Gas Station

10 If you are at a gas station, do not buy and eat anything not in a sealed bag. If you do, at best the food will be made today. At worst you will be lucky enough to experience emergency room procedures first hand. (Wow, that stomach pump was a real rush huh,Dalton?)

9 If you are at a gas station, do not think you can find that forgotten birthday present. If you do, at best your lack of attention will be noted. At worst, that mug with the 7/11 logo will be coming back to you quicker than you imagined. (Who knew how fast a mug could travel and how hard it could hit. Right, Danny? Oh, and I would put some ice on that lump if I were you.)

8 If you are at a gas station, do not think the restroom is like home. If you do, at best you’ll just look and move on. At worst, trying to use the bathroom without touching anything might not work well in the end. (How you fell down is still a mystery, Darren. Also, I don’t think that hand sanitizer is going to be enough for your whole body.)

7 If you are at a gas station, do not be rude to the help. If you do, at best they will let you slip. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who is working there as part of his aggravated assault probation agreement has just allowed the last rude customer to get by. (Looks like we have a straw that broke the camel’s back situation, Dane. I think I would make for the door and hope for the best.)

6 If you are at a gas station and the lines are long, do not insist on having a clerk run last years lotto tickets through the machine to see if you have a winner. If you do, at best you will be told to come back when it is less busy. At worst, the people behind you will form a vigilante group and leave you tied up outside. (Seems like a drastic measure doesn’t it, Dwane. Of course, most were grabbing some beer for the Superbowl and kick off was in ten minutes.)

5 If you are at a gas station, do not walk in the door in your ski mask. If you do, at best no one will notice you since you are a customer. At worst, the guy behind the counter still has PTSD from the last robbery and has his finger on the panic alarm. (Was a little awkward explaining to the police you forgot about the mask, wasn’t it, Darrel. Now with your hands cuffed behind your back and you on the floor it is almost impossible.)

4 If you are at a gas station, do not fuel up and continue to puff on that cigar. If you do, at best the wind will blow the fumes away. At worst, just when your tank is full and the automatic trigger doesn’t work you realize there might be a massive fire. (Lucky you, Deven. You were able to toss that cigar well away. Next time listen to me.)

3 If you are at a gas station, do not try to use the air pump. If you do, at best it is out-of-order. At worst you will feed it four quarters before you finally have enough air in your tire to limp to the tire store. (The worse part was skinning your knuckles on the rapid recoil of the hose, wasn’t it Doug?)

2 If you are at a gas station, do not ask for directions. If you do, at best all you’ll get is a shrug. At worst, you’ll get directions that put you on county road three which leads to the Twilight Zone. (What was it about that kid of eighteen with the wild stare that made you think he even knew where he was, let alone tell you how to get to grandma’s, Doyle?)

1 If you are at a gas station, do not ask if there is a mechanic on duty. If you do, at best you will be laughed out of the place. At worst, someone will pretend to be a mechanic with the result your car is now ready for auction. (Well all that beer and beef jerky should have told you something about their primary business, Damion.)

As someone who put himself through his first couple years of college working third shift in a gas station, I can attest to the accuracy of this list. I particularly enjoyed giving people directions to “The Racetrack.” (There was a place called Michigan International Speedway just down the road, where they held something called “Nascar Races.” and the place could NOT have been easier to find, but people would parade in, thinking I knew some secret ninja short cut to “The Track.” Unfortunately for them, if they were unspecific, and they always were, there was also a small horse racing track a few miles away, which was invariably where I directed them. Sometimes I miss those days.

Ha ha ha. I can imagine the look on the face of the race towers to show up at a horse racing facility. Then the bickering about a wrong tern would take place and the whole day end in shambles. You did good work back then. Thanks for sharing. 😀

That picture gave me a big laugh! I’m still amazed and the number of people who finish pumping gas, then get back in their car and play around with their phone – while there’s clearly a line behind them.

Hi John,
this reminds me of that inscription on a tombstone, “Here’s the final resting-place of John Smith. He used his cigarette lighter to see if there was any gas in his tank. – There WAS some in it still.”
On a different note, a story that happened to myself: ar I had gotten my first diesel-powered car, I once made a mistake and tried to fill regular gas in. The assistant inside noticed my mistake, and switched the pump off, hoping I’d see my mistake. Which I didn’t. I tried again, and again he switched the pump off. Well, I still hadn’t realized what was happening, and quite puzzled I took the nozzle out of the tank and looked at it, keeping the lever pressed down. And exactly at that moment the assistant, without looking what I was doing, switched the pump on again. You can imagine the result: I had a nice shower of gasoline! 😀
Talking of that assistant: he was a chain smoker and never bothered to get rid of his (burning) cigarettes whenever he walked around the pumps. It still is an enigma to me how he managed to not set his gas station on fire.
Have a great afternoon,
Pit

I laughed so hard at the picture “Eat here & get gas!” that it was hard to focus on the list. Seems gas-stations are the same here in Oz. Why is it that every gas-station attendant sounds like ‘Crocodile Dundee’. Geez, mate … lol.

Love the post, John! Especially number one. Being female, and totally ignorant about cars, I used to limp my car into gas stations often in my younger days seeking help of some kind. Nine times out of 10, some goober in a ball cap would lumber out of the office, hitching up his pants and asking if “that little gal” needed her car fixed. Then he’d have me pop the hood and try to show him what the trouble was. I think this was either to look down my shirt or stand back and look at my butt when I was bent over the engine. Needless to say, I started buying Chilton’s. 😅

Oh John, you are so funny. I am dead scared of using my cell phone while at a gas station (we call them petrol stations here), let alone smoking will filling up (we have petrol attendants to help us here too).