“It’s not riiiiiggghhhhht!” the anemic heiress named Paris Hilton shrieked to the rafters of the Los Angeles courthouse – enacting a public climax to an absurd and exhausting day.

“Mom!!!”

It didn’t help.

For the first time in human history in the state of California – where Michael Jackson and O.J. Simpson run free, and Britney Spears is permitted to breed – a useless celebutard was told a simple, and completely unfamiliar, word: “No.”

No, Paris. You cannot have a party.

“Mom!!”

No. You cannot drive.

“It’s not fair!!”

No. You cannot go home to your mansion, to your air-kissing friends and your nitwit dog.

“It’s not right!!”

Poor, poor Paris. Can it be?

Have the stars realigned and heavens fallen? Am I starting to feel sorry for Paris Hilton?

Nah.

Paris now goes down as having, finally, accomplished something in her worthless life.

Through great effort and cunning, Paris achieved the unprecedented. She managed to whine her way out of stir – at least for a while.

From the moment she strutted into her private cell like a pampered celebrity, permitted to maintain her hair extensions and bypass the customary body-cavity search, Paris stuck out like a bleached-blond tumor.

She didn’t like the food. I guess they promised her jumbo hot dogs.

She was sad. She cried.

Isn’t that the whole point?

And even in a jail where staph infections are said to run rampant among the inmates, no one wanted to get close to whatever Paris has.

She became such a nightmare, Sheriff Lee Baca – who never met a celeb he didn’t favor – advanced the story of an imminent “breakdown” as an excuse to set her free.

Which came as a surprise to Judge Michael Sauer, who ordered deputies to pick up Paris yesterday morning. Even then, she kept the judge waiting two hours, while insisting that she should be allowed to attend the hearing by telephone.

Bad call, babe. He was not amused.

So what have we learned?

With enough money and handlers, good looks and a vacant stare, you can convince at least some of the people that you’re the victim of a vendetta.

But not Judge Sauer.

Good luck crying your way out of jail this time, Paris, you ignorant slut.