Asking God

His friend had seven children. He was only asking for one.

Nick and his wife Susan had been trying to have a baby for five years. When the doctors told them that they would be unable to conceive naturally, Susan underwent corrective surgery followed by an aggressive program of fertility treatments. The physical discomfort, emotional strain and financial burden were all taking their toll.

Things were not going well. Nick had just gotten word that because of Susan’s highly irregular cycle they wouldn’t even be able to attempt fertilization this month. He felt overwhelmed by the hopelessness of their situation. His heart was heavy with despair when he ran into an old friend -- a rabbi whose wife had just given birth to their seventh child.

Nick warmly shook his friend’s hand and congratulated him on the birth of his child. But as they caught up and made small talk Nick was struck by the glaring injustice of the situation. Overcome by the contrast between his friend’s joy and his own grief, he suddenly blurted out, “Why is it that God has given you seven children and He won’t give me even one?”

The awkward silence stretched towards eternity as the question hung in the air between them. Nick’s face revealed his raw pain. After a long pause the rabbi, with compassion in his eyes, gently answered him. “Have you ever asked Him for one?”

A HEARTFELT PRAYER

That Shabbos, for the first time in 19 years, Nick went to synagogue. He quietly slipped in, took a prayer book off the shelf, and discreetly sat down in an inconspicuous spot. Unable to follow what was going on in the service, he sat quietly, listening to the soft chanting of the prayers. After sitting there for a few minutes he cleared his throat and in his own words began to speak to God. In a whisper that was barely audible he begged God for a child. He covered his face with the prayer book so that no one would see his tears.

Jews pray three times a day, asking God to fulfill our needs. Why is this necessary? Surely the Infinite Creator of the Universe knows what we need without me telling Him? And if we do need to ask Him, isn't three times a day excessive? And is it hypocritical for someone who ignores God for years to suddenly turn to Him for help in times of trouble?

A LOVING FATHER

There once was a very wealthy businessman who had an only son whom he loved dearly. Wanting him to have the finest education available, the father sent him to an Ivy League university on the other side of the country. He agreed to provide his son with $600 a month for spending money. "Just let me know if you need more," he told him. Every 30 days his son would phone to update his father on everything that had been happening in his life. The conversation inevitably ended with his son saying, “By the way Dad, I’ve run out of money. Could you please send me another $600?” The father, always overjoyed to hear from his beloved son, was only too happy to send him the money that he needed.

Knowing that his son wanted to feel independent, the father wisely avoided phoning to check up on him. Yet he missed his only child terribly and longed to hear from him. He ached to know what his son was thinking, how he was feeling, what he was experiencing. To wait another 30 days to hear from his child was agony.

One day the father had an idea. He sent his son an email informing him that he was happy to continue providing him with the same amount of money. But instead of sending him a lump sum every month he would provide him with a stipend of $20 daily, available upon request as needed. The father was delighted to find that he suddenly started hearing from his son every day.

God gave us our needs in order that we should pray. He wants the relationship.

God is the Infinite Source of existence -- our loving Father who is all knowing and all powerful. The purpose of prayer cannot be to inform Him of what our needs are. He, after all, gave us those needs in the first place.

The true understanding of prayer is simple yet deeply profound. It’s not that God wants us to pray in order to get what we need. Rather it’s that God gave us our needs in order that we should pray. Prayer is not the means, it's the end in itself.

Prayer is relationship. Prayer is recognizing that the Almighty is the Source of all that I have and all that I need. Everything comes from Him and from nowhere else. To pray is to impress upon myself the fact that God is my Father in heaven who loves me. That He longs to give to me, to shower me with blessing. That He wants nothing more than to hear from me, even if it has been years since we last spoke. Standing before Him and humbly articulating my needs is nothing less than a moment of tender closeness and intimate connection. That intimacy transforms me. It fashions me into a vessel capable of holding the very goodness that I desire, and that is what enables the Almighty to give it to me.

WHEN THE ANSWER IS NO

Of course God, like any loving father, sometimes has to answer no. But we must understand that receiving a negative answer is not the same as being ignored. A parent who ignores his child is making the statement that “you don’t matter to me. You are not worthy of my time or attention.” A caring parent who says no is actually saying, “This is not good for you and because I love you, I am not able to let you have it.”

Because we lack a larger perspective we often cannot understand why God is not giving us what we ask for. These times are the most difficult and force us to draw on our reserves of trust in God. We can take solace in knowing that every sincere prayer is heard. Every heartfelt request makes an impression and has an effect beyond what we can imagine. The request itself intrinsically creates a bond with the Almighty. Irrespective of His answer, it is that bond which is the ultimate goal of prayer.

SHARING HIS STORY

One year later Nick returned to that same synagogue. Following the Shabbos morning services the rabbi of the congregation was surprised when a man he had never met before approached him and asked for permission to say a few words. The rabbi agreed and Nick stood up to share his story.

He told of how he and his wife had been struggling for years to have a child. He told of their pain and their uncertainty. He told of his conversation with his friend the rabbi, and how almost exactly one year before he had come to their synagogue. He told them how he had sat alone at the back and asked God for a child. “And now,” he concluded, “I have come back. I have come back here one year later because I want to publicly thank God for blessing us with a beautiful baby girl.”

About the Author

Rabbi Gedalia Kauffman was born in the “Mile-High City” of Denver, Colorado where he learned to snow ski as soon as he learned to walk. He attended university in Boston, earning a degree in Middle Eastern History. Rabbi Kauffman then spent three years travelling Southeast Asia, and ended up in Jerusalem, where he spent nine years learning at yeshivas including Aish HaTorah. In 2005, the Kauffmans were lured to Aish Johannesburg with promises of a maid and a swimming pool.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 14

(12)
BrendaM,
March 29, 2011 9:48 PM

a prayer

Just like Nick did, I ask G-d to heal the pain of miscarriage and make my womb fruitful. I thank Him for my first child and trust Him for more.

(11)
ADI,
March 24, 2011 10:32 AM

every word is a diamond in this true story..
God bless you forever,
ADI

(10)
shel,
March 30, 2010 9:33 AM

thank YOU

for the clairty of sharing. the light shines through it all. G-d bless

(9)
sher,
March 19, 2010 10:07 PM

very inspring piece of work

I am deeply sad these past few days, i arrived in new york recently and i feel lost, not knowing what to do here, why i am here at all and would want to go back home if i could. Your article makes me feel so blessed, He is after all up there, i know He is, and if He made me survive cancer, He can help me survive New York. thank you so much.

linda,
March 7, 2014 2:08 AM

You will know

I am sorry that you feel sad. I, too had to move to a strange town , I was not happy at all and felt lost and lonely. I did not understand why I had to move away from my beloved family and friends.Then, my young son suddenly became very ill and it turned out that the only doctor that knew how to treat him and worldwide known was in the every city I had just moved too. So then I knew why, what a blessing.

Bunny L. Shuch,
October 17, 2017 3:50 PM

Good wishes to you

Many warm wishes that you will find your way in your new city and continue in good health.

(8)
Kwamina Paitto,
March 17, 2010 7:35 AM

MY SOUL MATE REQUEST

What a wonderful story.I am greatly inspired by this story. I am 34 desperately in need of a Beshert to marry. May Hashem's Grace grant me my request. Please may you all pray for my need and God richly Bless you all for your kind support. Kwamina from Ghana

(7)
TWiggins,
March 15, 2010 8:36 PM

Thank you for the explanation of why to pray

I am a Christian and stumbled across this website seeking to learn more about Judaism. Thank you so much for such a lovely explanation of why we should pray.

(6)
Al,
March 15, 2010 10:56 AM

Provision of a family

You make me think, so Thanks!
I recently received a request, to be a character reference for a young fellow.
What is the connection? In some ways, I'd adopted this young adult. How? Because my input, caholling, and encouragement. This has meant a lot to him. He's called me at times, in a kindly glad fashion, his "second dad."
You can see, that in some ways, how this can be an answer to prayer. Because, although time distance and events may effect life, there are good proofs in small things.

(5)
Anonymous,
March 15, 2010 3:06 AM

mazel tov

(4)
ruth,
March 15, 2010 12:26 AM

life's learning curves

I look at the mothers, as a grandmother, in the music and art group where my grandson and I go each Monday, and many have new curves, as they are getting big with babies. These women are all ages, and sometimes, even, it's hard for the teachers to distinguish the grandmothers from the moms, but we're all there, to learn and to enjoy.
There are many ways to give birth. I believe we live in a world in which we are all of us given difficult problems to resolve, and one is surely, a woman and a man's desire to have children.
Now we have new "techniques" through medicine, such as IVF, in vitro and I think the advances in medicine, too, are possibilities for some to explore, but not one size fits all, when it comes to that bellying need.
The prayer is always there, whether explicit or not, but surely it doesn't hurt to make it, explicit. Yes, you never know and we have beautiful Biblical stories of women who were barren who suddenly gave birth.
For those who cannot give birth, find another way to express your joy and yourselves through caring, perhaps adoption, perhaps what you do for others.
We cannot always comprehend why but we can problem solve around our sorrows and realize that everything does seem somehow to be part of a larger plan, even the worst parts, for which we do truly, need each other.

(3)
sonia,
March 14, 2010 10:32 PM

Yes, but sometimes Hashem says no...

sometimes it happens, that you pray, and ask, for a baby, and hashem says no. I wonder why. I still ask, although at my age it would be difficult.
There must be some other reason, and I also accept that this, too, is for the best.

(2)
sonia,
March 14, 2010 8:41 PM

Davening

I have tears in my eyes reading this.

(1)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2010 5:56 PM

tears in my eyes! how true that sometimes even us who grow up davening day in and day out don't really daven for what we want...we say and mumble by rote. What an awe inspring lesson!

We have a canistel (or eggfruit) tree our backyard which we’d like to get rid of. We do not eat its fruit, and the fruit and leaves make a constant mess. I haven’t found anyone who is interested in its fruit – even to take it from us for free. I would like to replace it with an orange tree (we live in Miami). Is there any problem doing so?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah actually writes specifically that we may not cut down fruit trees (Deuteronomy 20:19-20). From this the Sages learn a more general principle that one may not purposelessly waste or destroy anything of value – food, good utensils, clothes, etc. (see e.g. Talmud Baba Kama 91b, Shabbat 140b).

The Talmud (Baba Kama 91-92) distinguishes that whenever there is a legitimate reason, one may cut down a fruit tree – if it damages other trees or plants, if it’s not productive and not worth its upkeep, if it’s more valuable for the wood, etc. The commentators include in this dispensation when ones needs the space the tree is growing on (Rosh Baba Kama 8:15).

There is, however, a frightening line in the Talmud there which makes people much more hesitant to rely on the above leniency. Rabbi Chanina stated that his son died young as a punishment for his cutting a fig tree before its time. Thus apart from the legal issue of destroying a productive tree, this law appears to carry with it severe Divine retribution.

Most authorities explain that this punishment is incurred only if a person cuts down a fruit tree without legitimate reason, but there is a minority opinion that it is incurred even if the tree is cut with good reason.

As a result, even in cases where a legitimate reason applies, people generally take an extra precaution of first selling the tree to a non-Jew, and having a non-Jew do the actual cutting. (The entire prohibition does not apply to non-Jews.) Your case is also better in that you are cutting one fruit tree to plant another, more productive one. Even with all of this, it’s preferable, if possible, to leave a part of the original tree intact.

In 1942, Hitler devised a plan for a Museum of Judaism, to remember the dead Jewish religion, culture and people. Millions of Jewish treasures -- Torah scrolls, ritual objects, books and art -- were looted by the Nazis and taken to warehouses. In Czechoslovakia, the objects were taken to the Jewish Museum in Prague, where the Jews themselves were forced to sort, label, and pack the items for use in the Nazi's future museum. After the war, many of these items were recovered, including thousands of Torah scrolls and nearly one million books. These were distributed to Jewish communities worldwide, as a living testimony to the indestructibility of the Jewish people.

One who humiliates another person in public ... even though he may be a scholar and may have done many good deeds, nevertheless loses his portion in the eternal world (Ethics of the Fathers 3:15).

Imagine a situation: you have a fine home, a well-paying job, a comfortable car, and a substantial retirement annuity. If you do a single thoughtless act, you will lose everything you have worked to achieve: home, job, car, and savings. What kind of precautions would you take to avoid even the remotest possibility of incurring such a disaster? Without doubt, you would develop an elaborate system of defenses to assure that this event would never occur.

The Talmud tells us that everything we have worked for during our entire lives can be forfeited in one brief moment of inconsideration: we embarrass another person in public. Perhaps we may say something insulting or make a demeaning gesture. Regardless of how it occurs, the Talmud states that if we cause another person to turn pale because of being humiliated in public, we have committed the equivalent of bloodshed.

Still, we allow our tongues to wag so easily. If we give serious thought to the words of the Talmud, we would exercise the utmost caution in public and be extremely sensitive to other people's feelings, lest an unkind word or degrading gesture deprive us of all our spiritual merits.

Today I shall...

try to be alert and sensitive to other people's feelings and take utmost caution not to cause anyone to feel humiliated.

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