Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Lorelei got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time and held my hand. I really want to make it an exciting thing for her, and I want it to bring her closer to me, make her feel closer to me. I would rather her feel that I needed her more now because of the baby, than the other way around.

Working today is tiring. The day just seems to be dragging on. Really, it's just me. If I would stop lollygagging and go to my next session, I could almost be done!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I had a dream last night. I'm not going to discuss the dream though, because the people involved could take it the wrong way or even be hurt by it. It was one of those dreams where I woke up thinking. "Where did that even come from!?" However it did leave a sort of emotion behind.

So I began to wonder, why do we dream? I "googled" it and came up with many different responses. Most centered around the fact that during sleep our soul tries to tell us what path to follow. It is believed that while sleeping our concious and subconscience are not in play, and our soul and brain can make its decisions based without fear. This however is not always case according to some reading. In some instances our subconsious will "battle it out" with our souls, convinced that it is protecting us and correct even though it is basing its decision on fear or the unkown possiblility of being hurt.

After all that reading, I am still left here thinking about my dream and what it could mean in the scheme of my mind. Who knows really. It could have been a number of things persuading my thoughts. Nature, human conversation, heat, sleep deprivation even. All I know for now, is it ended with a bang and I woke up feeling weird.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Finally, after 90 days of not having a period I had an appointment with my new OB/GYN Dr. T. He decided he wanted to do an ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus to see if there was any scarring, or in the lining just simply wasn’t thickening enough to support a fertilized egg.

In the waiting cubby I was trying to feel relieved that we had a plan, but was fighting thoughts of forever infertility when the nurse came in to take me to the ultrasound room. The tech asked me why I was there. “Don’t you know?” I laughed, “You have the orders.” She answered yes but that she liked to find out more from the patients. SO I began to tell her my fears when I saw a familiar small black space on the screen.

“Uh, what’s that?” I asked. She quickly changed the screen and said, “Oh I will come back to that.”

So I continued my story of what we were looking for, and why I was concerned. I watched the screen as she poked my ovaries and saw the many eggs waiting to be babies. Then she came back to the space.

I again said, “What is that?”

“That,” she said, “is a gestational sac.”

“That’s a baby, right?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, is it dead?”

Now don’t freak out on me here for my question. See I had taken 5 POS (pee on stick) test with negative results, and my doctor had run 3 blood tests with negative results. So in my mind what had happened was I had miscarried but not passed the baby. I was just preparing myself for it, that’s all. I continued with,

“I’ll be ok if it is, I didn’t think I was pregnant in the first place, but at least I know I can get pregnant again.”

The tech smiled and told me to hold on, she needed to zoom in further. As she click, click, clicked on her screen, my eyes stayed focused on that little jelly bean shape. It took my eyes a moment to see it, but there it was, the most beautiful little wiggle I have ever seen.

A heartbeat.

I could see the little thing pounding away and all I could do was catch my breath and stare in disbelief.

“Are you serious? I can’t believe it! Oh my gosh!?” was all I could say in between tears of joy.

Everything from that point on is blurry. A whirlwind of laughter combined with tears. I met my husband at Petco where we were going to be buying supplies for our new dog Hayden. I put the ultrasound in a card with a puppy eating a pacifier on it and handed it to him. He opened it up and of course had no clue what he was looking at.