Here It Is At Last -- Worst Week Of The Year

January 20, 1986|By Donald Kaul, Tribune Media Services

This is the worst week of the year. There are other bad weeks -- the week before your income tax is due, the week after you come back from your vacation, the first week the kids are home from school -- but this week is the worst of all.

It is Super Bowl week.

Like it or not, the Super Bowl has become a national institution, on the order of the Miss America contest or Dutch elm disease. There is no escape from it. It seeps into the consciousness even of those who are otherwise indifferent to football.

One looks for news of one's favorite basketball team and is assaulted by information that a particularly vicious linebacker on the favored Super Bowl team intends to become a minister when he retires; either that or do beer commercials. It's awful.

The Super Bowl takes longer to get through than baseball's World Series, a best-of-seven competition that often has teams jumping back and forth across the continent during the course of 10 days. Is it any wonder, then, that the game itself, when it finally arrives, is a disappointment? What mere game could live up to the fevered expectations aroused by relentless hype, not to mention Roman numerals?

What we have here, folks, when all is said and done, is a football game, and probably a dull one at that. Although I sometimes find it hard to tell a dull football game from an exciting one. Five minutes of spine-tingling action packed into three solid hours. With the exception of chess, football is the only game in the world where players spend 85 percent of their time trying to figure out what to do next.

To me, the most neglected part of football is the huddle. Of the hours it takes to play a game, the ball will actually be in play for about nine minutes. Almost all of the rest of the time will be taken up with huddles. Yet not a word is said about them.

Your papers will be filled with analyses of the the Chicago Bears and the New England Patriots. You will be informed about which team has the best offense, defense, passing, rushing, pass rush, punting, field-goal kicking, kick coverage; which team runs the best pass patterns, even.

But you will not hear one word about which team huddles best. Nor, during the telecast of the game, will there be a single slow-motion, stop-action instant replay of a huddle. Not one. It's an injustice.

Super Bowl week reminds me of the sad story of the computer salesman who got married. After a month, his bride went to her doctor and, with some embarrassment, revealed that the marriage had not been consummated. ''Why not?'' the doctor asked.

''He just keeps sitting on the edge of the bed, telling me how good it's going to be,'' the bride replied.

This week people will be telling you how good the Super Bowl is going to be. Don't believe them. The best thing about the Super Bowl is that it is followed closely by baseball's spring training.