I am the First Lady of HR with a stellar career.
"People" is my middle name, on Tuesdays.
"Save a dollar, save a dime, spending cash is a corporate crime"

Monday, 8 May 2017

Managing clients by Rumours

Fuck the data on the dashboard, kibinimat

On May 1st, the entire engineering team including the Artificial Intelligence-Bot Group was convened by the Chief Technologist Comrade Carl Marks for the lecture of the month. The lecture was given under the benevolent auspices of HR talent management, which is a subject under my imperial wing.

Comrade Carl invited me to join him on the podium, which I turned down because I have been busy texting my sister and mom and someone else; please no questions at this stage.

Comrade Carl opened his lecture by asking the crowd to applaud until "our beloved HR manager takes a bow", which I did in line with my core values of seeking recognition.

Comrade Carl told his people, "please turn off your phones, or at least pretend to. We need to act civilized. This is the USA, although none of you comrades have a green card".

Carl lectured about our new clients in North Korea and Venezuela who have commissioned new products and plan to pay us by barter or by sending us cotton T shirts. Carl said that "if you read the specs the client sent us, it is not unnatural that you have some questions. However, there is no need for alarm because we are scrapping all the data driven development tools that "HR rammed up our ass" and replacing it with rumour-driven specs."

One of our more opinionated nerds, Comrade Igor Berdichenko-Itkovitz, asked "Tovarish Carl, what do you mean"?

Comrade Carl told Igor to sit down and shut up until the lecture is over and then "I will field your questions".

Carl ended up his lecture by asking developers to spread rumours to the clients that "Kim and/or Maduro want this and that", this and that being based on our capabilities.

The nerds jumped to their feet and started to scream: "We love you Comrade Carl" and ""Death of Data" and "Gloria Go Home".

Sometimes I wish I was a torera, a hairdresser or the owner of a quiet lake by the warm and sunny sea.