Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I'm suffering from both of them. Pam: I'm inventing new diseases. Jim: Oh, great. Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that? Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion. Pam: Nice.

I regret my actions. I regret offending my co-workers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect, and openmindedness... openmindedness, is that a word? Um... into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed (holds up the paper) Daffy Duck. (laughs) He's gonna lose it when he reads that.

Michael: You know what, here's what we're going to do. Let's go around and everybody, everybody, name a race you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. (Dwight raises his hand) Go! Dwight: I have two. White and Indian.

[after role-playing exercise] You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive...no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball's in their court.

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Meredith: [reading birthday card] This one's from Michael, "Let's hope the only downsizing this year is that someone downsizes your age." Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're old. Meredith: I get it. Michael: Meredith is so old...(how old is she?) Meredith is so old, that when she went to an antique store, they kept her. I got that off the internet, it's not mine. Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called she wants her age back and her divorces back! Get it? 'Cause she's getting old, and she's been divorced what, twice?

I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words "you're fired." "You're fired." Oh, "you're fired." He just makes people sad. And an office can't function that way. No way. "You're fired." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be "you're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so.