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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

34 and Counting

No not children. I am in no way, shape or form competing with the Duggars. God bless that family, the parents are amazing. That amazing however, I am not.

I turned 34 on November 28th. I am not sure how I feel about that. Oh wait, yes I am. I am 34 and my life has come to a standstill. I am in a never ending hamster wheel, except I look nothing like a hamster. (I'd like to think I look better than a hamster, even though that hamster is most likely in better shape.) I have come a long way from where I have been, but I have so much farther to go to be where I want to be. Because of this I am unhappy and from what my best friend tells me it shows. My life has become the old adage, "the more things change, the more they stay the same". So just call me Debby Downer and Miss JudgiPants.

I don't like myself this way. I had thought I was less down. Denial has you seeing all sorts of delusions like this. My very best friend has even had to block me for small increments of time to avoid seeing the negativity on facebook. And wanted to ask why I had so many kids if it stressed me out that much. I wanted to cry. Did I really sound like I didn't want my children anymore? Did I really sound like my life was really that bad? Reality is, if I am honest with myself I love my life now. I love my husband. I love my children. I love my job, even if it has change a bit and I'm going to be doing something different and it scares the crap out of me. I've rid myself of all the negative people I had in my life. I try to avoid most negative television shows. (Except Days Of Our Lives. I'm an addict.) I cannot enjoy this wonderful life I have with my husband and my children because of the one negative I cannot get rid of. ME. Now it's time to work on me. No more excuses. There is so much I want to do. I have ideas soaring through my mind. My fear of me, my potential, my failures, et cetera is keeping me in a very negative place.

Up until now I used to dread the 30's. Now I am thankful I'm not in my 20's and oblivious to a lot of things. I am also very thankful for the amazing friends I have surrounded myself with including my best friend. Up until now there was never a silver lining to look forward too. My 30's are turning out more silver linings than I ever thought possible. Crap, could I be growing up?

On to the next phase of my life. Getting me healthy. Learning how to put this Debby Downer and Miss JudgiPants in there rightful places on the shelf. Getting out into the real world and engaging with people instead of hiding in my home. (I would say computer, but thankfully, I have come quite a long way there and don't think of everyone on here while I'm away in real life wishing I'm here. I love those who've I've come to know better, but there is a time and a place for everyting.) So here's to getting me "out there". Cheers!

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Thank you all for your well wishes. Every day my mom gets stronger. She has been moved to a different hospital. It looks like her vision was affected, so my sister is trying to get her in to see an eye doctor and a day pass from the hospital. As she is seeing double vision this makes her nauseated. Also because of where the aneurysm was (it's over the gag reflex), they are waiting for it to heal. So hopefully that part is healed and it's the vision and that it is an easy fix. Can't wait for her to be home. Yet so thankful she's made it this far.

3 comments:

Happy Birthday to you. 34 is not old at all and I think the hamster wheel feeling is hopefully a phase. I'm 32 and feel like I'm in one already with just my one little boy. I hope your mum improves soon!