Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I'll quit commenting on the Fantastic Four when they quit giving me things to comment on.

Arrrgh! Never in all of our years have the FF encountered a foe as fearsome as.... Mephisto - Master of the Purple Nurple!

Meet the Mayor of Almost-Gets-the-Obvious-but-Not-Quite-Ville. Yeah, a family made of Reed and Sue and their son Franklin is an awful big coinkydink (especially considering what an unusual first name "Reed" is), but.... oh hey, are those stuffed mushrooms?

"My body tingles as the platform rises!"

Um.... need a little alone time there, Sue? How about a towell? No? Oh.... ok, just yell when you're done....

Monday, August 27, 2007

Wow.... the Coast Guard is getting to be just a little too lazy, don't you think? I mean, Aquaman is supposed to be the King of the Freakin' Seven Seas, and these guys are talking about hitting him up to establish traffic lanes. This would be insane except.....

our co-dependent super-hero agrees:Takes right to it, doesn't he? He reminds me of the Capital Patrol - those security cops that work in government areas who won't do a thing to help you if you're getting sodomized by Osama Bin Laden on the steps of the Capitol Building, but will appear out of nowhere to write you a ticket if you double-park. I kid you not... I was present when an employee was assaulted by an angry client. Where was Captiol Patrol? Writing a ticket on the parked car of my co-worker. Their response? "Well, we can't be everywhere." It's hard to argue with that kind of logic...

So, where does one go to pay that ticket exactly? I mean, a guy who lives like a fish just wrote you a citation, so where do we go from here? If the clerk's office is at the bottom of the Briney Deep, I think old Horace ought to shove Alma out of the boat until she goes down and pays it for him.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Okay, so I guess I'm the only one yesterday that appreciated the entertainment value in Black Adam's use of his powers to rip off a guy's face while making a joke about it. But isn't this just as disturbing, if not downright silly? Instead of turning yourself into a human foghorn, why not just fly the whole car to the nearest police station like you've done a thousand times before and since? If I'm a cop and I just hear a disembodied voice coming from miles away, it's probably going to be more trouble than it's worth for Superboy to wait on me to find him.... you just can't tell me this was better than Black Adam ripping that guy's face off.

Now, this is pretty good stuff. If you've ever seen a prison movie or Oz on HBO, you know that you don't want to risk unspecified things showing up in your mouth. Trust me on that one.

Well, considering his house and his cow are blowing down the street, I'd think that a little mussed hair is the least of Charlie's concerns, but proper appearance was apparently a big deal back in the day. That's why June Cleaver always wore pearls when she was doing the housecleaning.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Hi, Googlers!I know some guys like an assertive woman, but are you really allowed to comment on your prospect's skin color? I mean, is that ever really okay? I know she's green and everything herself, but really.... is that ever a good idea when trying to get someone to go out with you?

Don't think that passion ends at marriage. Reed and Sue have been married for over 200 issues by this point, and Sue still takes time to.... well, make herself look like the Amish. Poor Reed.

I'd never say it to his face, though. I'd be saying things like, "Wow, Reed! You get to tap that every night! You lucky bastard!" I'm a cool cat that way.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Sure, summer is almost over, but it's still dang hot! Sooooooo, let's learn water safety with Aquaman!

You know, they say there are some people who really just want to date themselves. Guess there's some truth to it. But c'mon, Aquaman! Focus!

So, what do you suppose Wolfie's plan was, exactly? I mean, if he's rescued, he'll look like a little baby who can't swim, and that's hardly going to make the chicks swoon. He should keep going with that asshat thing, though. Chicks dig that.

Okay, just to be clear, this is Johnny Storm trying to talk down to Captain America, not the original Human Torch who was part of the Invaders in WWII.

That being said, I think Johnny needs to think about who he's talking to. Anyone else might be impressed, but you know Cap is thinking, "Well, sonny boy, I appreciate that you've been around since the 1960's. By the way, I fought Hitler!"

My willing suspension of disbelief isn't kicking in here. First, and foremost, Reed is talking to Doctor Octopus. When has Doc Ock been afraid of anyone? The man has tangled with everyone this side of Galactus!

The other problem I have is that it's Reed talking to Doctor Octopus. C'mon, Reed, who are you kidding? You're a science geek with premature gray. What are you going to do, hit him with your pocket protector?

I just don't think that's the law in Kansas. California, maybe. In Oklahoma, a custodial parent is entitled to the earnings of the child and I just don't think a bordering state where a lot of kids work on the family farm would be much different. Maybe the judge went to law school in California. In any event, kids should hold off on pulling this stunt until they run it past a local attorney.

But, while I have your attention, who is that guy with the orange suit sitting in front of the Judge's bench and staring lecherously at Superboy? He doesn't seem to have any court function, so I'm thinking he's the local creepy guy who has to sit where the Judge can keep an eye on him so he isn't caught helping students adjust their athletic supporters at football practice....

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Okay, I don't know whose idea it was to replace Buzzy with Superboy, but that doesn't work for me. I'll take life lessons from Buzzy, and that's about it.

Secondly, watch what Superboy is telling the kid to do. You either try your hand at anything or any one of those things. See what a difference a space makes? As it is, Superboy is sounding like the pimp at a gay Taiwanese bath house.

And, he finishes it up by suggesting we make ourselves a dress. Oh, my. Oh, my my my. Where have you gone, Buzzy?

For the benefit of my female readers, this is the last thing your guy wants to hear unless it is in reference to his performance as a male. I know, it makes no sense, but we want to be the source of the "Most Intense Experience You've Ever Felt." I don't care if you just got back from Mars, we still want that experience to pale in comparison to your "quality time" with us. Why doesn't she just tell him he's her best friend ever and get it over with?

Thursday, August 9, 2007

You know, Aquaman doesn't get a lot of respect, but he's clearly a nice guy. Here he is, acting like the seafaring version of AAA. Do you think Batman would pull over and help you if you had a flat tire? I think not.

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