“When I have kids I will never ______”

Here’s the sitch’, before people have kids there are many occasions where they’ll observe people who have children and think “When I have kids I will never ______” Then you go and get yourself some of those cherubic, little angels and if you’re like me, you have about 8 million “Oohhh, Now I Get It Moments” – they’re like Oprah’s “Aha” moments but without the free car.

Here are just a few of the little judgement gems that I passed with Gweneth Paltrow smugness until I had children. I was an idiot but clearly the Gods were listening.

“My kids will never sleep with me.”

I love my sleep and therefore, any child of mine would be kissed on the head at 7:00 pm, would be put in their crib and would stay there until the morning. Except what I didn’t realize is that it’s really hard for me to sleep through bloodcurdling screaming and that I’d have a kid who thinks Dr. Ferber can go suck it. In a desperate measure, I tossed him into bed with us one night and we’ve all had a good night’s sleep ever since. I don’t tell many people about it because it’s the granddaddy of all my “I’ll Nevers” unless, of course, you bring it up then I’m all over it like the hypocritical hippy I am.

“My kids will eat what they are fed.”

Don’t like dinner? Well, I guess you’re not eating. Then I walk away and think about how I’m already worried about his calcium intake and if he’s eating enough protein. If he goes to bed hungry then he’ll no doubt perish in his sleep all because I wouldn’t let him have cereal at dinner. Joan Crawford, Dina Lohan, me. Here’s your cereal.

“I’ll never ignore my kids like that.”

Why do you even have children if you don’t want to be around them?! How hard is it to accommodate your child if the sweet little petal is asking you to read Goodnight Moon? Pretty hard if it’s the 4,753rd time you’ve read it that day and if you ever have a stroke it will, no doubt, be the only information you’ll retain. Sometimes I just want half-a-stinking-second to think. I love my children but for the love of God, let me pee alone.

“Why don’t you just take your kids to the park, it’s so easy?”

You know, you just sit there while they have fun. Oh, wait you want to go on the swing? No more swing now? Now the slide? Mommy can’t fit up there but hold on tight….whoa…no, come down now!! That’s too high!! Okay, yes, let’s play in the sand. No, that’s not your truck that’s the little boy’s truck. Give it back, please. No hitting!! Hey, do you want a cookie? The cookies are at home. Okay, let’s go home and get a cookie. Bye park! Kiss my ass until I’ve had another Goodnight Moon stroke and forgotten how horrible you are.

“Why would you take your kids swimming, it’s so hard?”

I mean, it takes about 3 hours to get ready for 10 minutes of fun. Except I didn’t think of what else I would do to occupy a small child for 3 hours if I wasn’t getting ready for swimming. Plus, no doubt some mom somewhere, sometime probably told me that children that don’t learn how to swim by 6 months have an 80% chance of drowning in an inch of water and grow up to be illiterate serial killers – she must have read it in an article somewhere.

“Kids shouldn’t eat crap.”

How hard is it to prepare wholesome, organic, homemade meals and snacks all the time? I once threw an open bag of cheesies down the basement stairs to stop my kids from fighting like drunk white girls while I was on a really important phone call. They swarmed it like raccoons and ate all the trans fat goodness silently off the floor. I stand by my actions and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

“Kids shouldn’t watch too much tv.”

Oh, but what’s that? Children stand behind you like a 20lb footstool when you’re carrying pots of boiling water, try to throw things down the toilet while you’re cleaning it or take their diaper off and pee down the air vents while you’re taking a shower?! Oh, too bad there isn’t a magical box that played friendly pictures and sounds to distract them for a few minutes while you went poo. Wait. What?

“How hard is it to look half decent after you’ve had a kid?”

If I have pants on when I leave the house I consider my appearance to be completely appropriate and should, therefore, not be judged. I wore glasses with one arm missing for a year-and-a-half because it broke off and I couldn’t find time to fix it. I haven’t been to the dentist since my second son was born and he just turned two. I finally made an appointment because I’m scared I’m going to have teeth like a 14-year old beagle if I don’t smarten up.

“How hard is it to keep your cool?”

Pretty hard sometimes. I find that small children have given me a snapping threshold that would make Gordon Ramsay say “Whoa, cool it, Lady.” Inanimate objects seem to be the main focus of my wrath. I find myself hulking the tabs off the effing diaper because they won’t peel up, drop kicking a basket of mittens across the room because I can’t find a pair that matches, or swearing that if I ever find the murther furking jackhole that put 14 previews on every kid DVD, I will plunge my bare fist into their chest and pull out their still-beating heart. Breeeeeeeathe.

“I would never let my kids become my whole life.”

I used to go over to my “previously cool” friend’s place and think how sad it was that her house was overrun with sippy cups, Polly Pocket shoes and Dora the Explorer crap. Now I lay in my hippy bed reading Goodnight Moon until my right eye twitches and they fall asleep. Then I look at their perfect, little faces and wonder how I ever lived without them.

If I could go back in time, I’d tell that childless woman that it’s easy for her to make all these grand proclamations and impose rules on an imaginary child where she hasn’t factored in love, fear or sleep deprivation. Then I’d tell her to stop worrying about what she will and won’t do when she becomes a mother and to go take a long look at her fantastic bum in the mirror because it will soon disappear along with the all misconceptions she has about motherhood.

“Goodnight nice ass everywhere.”

Oh, but there’s more. You can check out ever more of “I’ll Nevers” here.

39 Comments

The park! Oh my God, the park. I laughed way too hard at that because every day I tell myself that I should take my toddler to the park that is literally RIGHT across the street but never end up going for this very reason 😂

I agree! I’m 39 weeks now, waiting for my first baby girl. Of course excited and nervous at the same time. I can imagine that I will be falling in love with my first baby for a while, but will try for her not to be my whole life. It’s not gonna be easy, though..

Why is it that every single article written on becoming a parent seems to be hell-bent on convincing everyone to never have children? It’s always the "ten ways your horrible children will make your life into a living hell"… "the twelve inevitable ways you will devolve into a slovenly, quivering basket case after giving birth" … I get that these things are written to give parents a laugh and make them feel better, but these articles are really discouraging to those of us who want to have a family and are starting to think it isn’t worth it. My husband seems to be growing colder and colder toward the idea. Just last week, my brother-in-law complained for over an hour to us about how awful his life is as a parent, before asking my husband and I "so when are you having kids already? You shouldn’t wait too long!" Um, hello?

The band-aid statement of "it’s all worth it" slapped onto the end each article is not particularly convincing.

Because it can be a living breathing hell…but it is totally worth it. I would do it all over again if I could. If i had the choice to do it over…knowing what I know now…I would, in a split second. If your not sold on having kids then don’t….but thats not because of anyone else, but you guys. You can not put what others say above what you feel and think.

That first mommy…that first smile, the first unprompted I love you…will melt you into a puddle…and it will hold you over through the crayons on the wall, or phone in the toilet, and then they say it again…and you melt once more.

Your comment made me laugh out loud! I know you didn’t mean for it to but it’s seriously the gift/curse of having kids. Your brother-in-law needs to vent but he obviously loves his kids because he immediately asked you when you were going to have kids. They drive you crazy but also drive you crazy in love. All of these “terrifying” examples make parents laugh because they make you think about how crazy in love you are with your own kids!

I laughed at every one of these and yep, do pretty much everything like you do, too. (HAHA Hulk-wripping diaper tabs – yes!)

I always thought I’d cultivate meals as this inviolate family time. Well, now I can barely take a bite because I read to my daughter through every. single. damn. meal. It’s the only way the skinny minny will eat.

there may be an "i’ll never” or two that i submit to when we have kids, but, one thing i can’t stand is parents who allow their children to run around in public like untrained, disrespectful animals. i get that things change once you’re in the midst of a situation; however, you get out of parenting what you put in to it. allowing a toddler to embarrass an adult bc of the adult’s laziness to train them would not be anywhere on my list of to-dos.

Are you talking about a child or dog because you don’t train children you teach them you raise them and regardless of what you teach them they have bad days too if you think you train children maybe you should skip being the parent of a child and go buy a dog

throw that in with your I’ll nevers honey! You can’t control your child 100% of the time. When you have a bad day, you know how to control it…a 2 yr old, does not know how to control it. So, in that split second they yank their hand away from yours in Target to go running to the toy isle…you have two seconds to think about what your going to do…all while holding your Sbux coffee and have the infant in the basket…do you drop what your holding and go running after the two year old who is now screaming up and down the isles, or do you calmly go after them while pushing the cart, carrying your coffee and not dropping the other baby on the floor…..

this is a great blog. im a first time mom sitting on my couch with baby sleeping on my chest trying desperately hard not to wake him up with my laughing. i just found this site today and i love it. im feeling a lot better about myself and my mom skills (the very few i have….i can burp this kid like a pro).

A friend of mine taged this on facebook and I read the article. I have no kids yet, but my mother did manage to go through with most of the statements you post in this article.

"My kids will never sleep with me." – We never did."My kids will eat what they are fed." – We ate and still eat pretty much everything that is put on the table infront of us. And we enjoy the food – no matter what it is. People love having us over for lunch, dinner or whatever – because we always eat everything. And no – we are not from a poor family that’s starving 😉"Kids shouldn’t watch too much tv." – We didn’t do that either – we had a password in our TV. TV time was max 20 minutes a day.How hard is it to look half decent after you’ve had a kid? – My mom was always doing lots of exercise, so I guess it was easy for her to look even better after her 3rd kid (my sister) than she did before."How hard is it to keep your cool?" – I can’t ever remember my mum loosing her cool – but then again – I only have memories back to when I was 4 years old 😉We didn’t go to the park much, as we had a garden and swings in it, so I wouldn’t know if she would have had problems with going there 😉

I’m not trying to be smart or anything like it – I just wanted to say, that there are some mum’s that do mange to go through with what the decide before they have the kids.And I have the most loving and caring mother that anyone could have (and dad too of course 😉 ).

I was laughing so hard i was crying while at the same time trying not to wake up my husband…i didn’t succeed at that. such a funny post and I think we should be best friends because, girl, you get me. 🙂 I love the bit about kicking the basket of socks. i recently yelled at my 3 year old to "STOP FREAKING OUT" as I chucked her tiny shoe across the room. I love how I lead by example. Thanks for the post!

I ADORE your blog. It is actually the first mommy blog I came across that didn’t half annoy me. I think you are the cooler version of myself. I think all of this stuff in my head but you have a gift of getting it down in the most HYSTERICAL words that I am not gifted enough to come up with. I agree with every single thing you wrote in this post. I saw on your information page that you like David Sedaris.. also my favorite, but I think you are just as funny as him, if not more!

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thank you. THANK YOU! I laughed so hard and struggled not to pee since that’s what I’ve become now after 2 kids. A woman counting the days until she’s through with diapers for her kids, knowing that she is ever closer to needing them herself. I am forever apologizing to my sister for all the uninformed comments I had about her kids before I had my own. Man, I really sounded like a moron. Found your site through pinterest and it is absolutely hysterical. Just spot on. LOVE IT!

I actually found this blog from my personal facebook page, a pregnant friend recommended it. I can't believe I've never seen it before! It's hysterical! I have one child in college, one driving my car, and one in diapers. It's funny how much more relaxed I've become with the "rules" as I got to the third. However, I still refuse to drive a minivan! Ever! We will squeeze into a sedan forever even if it looks like a clown car.

I am laying in bed reading this and laughing so hard (while trying to be quiet) that our bed is shaking. Which brings up another I'll Never moment when you state that your sex life with the hubs will not change just because you had a baby. Right. On the rare nights that we're not totally exhausted, I swear to god our daughter knows that mom and dad are up to the naughty. She almost always chooses that moment to have a breakdown in her crib. Just awesome.

Seriously though, this was some of the funniest mom shit I have ever read. You just made my reading list and I have no idea how I have lived this long without you.

Oh my goodness….could not stop laughing. All of this is so true, but I read the part about throwing the cheesies down the stairs and started laughing out loud so hard I just peed myself. Not an expression of speech…really. I'm 18 weeks pregnant and you are now solely responsible for inducing the first laugh-pee of this particular pregnancy. I would like very much to continue reading every post on your blog, but you owe me a box of Depends first. Seriously, I'll send you a bill. You must understand that with your editorial brilliance comes some responsibility…. 😉

ohhhh ma lands ain't that the TRUTH! i especially agree with the hippie co-sleeping to silence a thrashing cooing baby at four am because she thinks it's time to play and loves hearing her own voice. and by cooing, i mean, only because i've fed her and transformed her cries to coos. (another never will i moment…i will let her cry it out because she doesn't need to eat right now…. yeah right. because then nobody sleeps for an hour.) it's even been caught on camera when the papa bear gets up for work and finds us curled up peacefully, until of course his iphone "flash" blinds us both and i lose my shit. even though i said i would NEVAH evah in our lives so long as we both shall live let her sleep in bed with us, or lose my shit, for that matter. so much for sticking to your guns at four am.

I have managed to hold off on the mini van – just went with an suv with a 3rd row seat. But then again, I only have two kids (3 if you include the husband). I also like the pregnant women and the "I don't want any medication during labor". I'll check back with them on that one too! No trophies or medals. Give me all you got!

that is about the funniest blog post i've read. ever. i can only recall laughing at a blog post that much maybe once. i've always aspired to write like this, but alas, i haven't made it. thank you so much for the laughs. i really needed it today. guess i better spend the rest of my afternoon reading the rest of your blog.

i too vowed never to have a mini van unless it had flames painted on it. (here's me, shameful owner of a silver grand caravan, the most common vehicle of its kind.) i'm more of a euro van kinda girl…but our paycheck is apparently not the euro van kinda paycheck.before i had kids i also judged those moms who shout at their little precious dears, the poor little helpless whiny things. (here's me, frazzled mom of three, who shouts a lot at home but in public only occasionally. bless their hearts, those three kids can remember EVERYthing except instructions and rules.)