The Vineyard Is Your Typical Catfight Spectacular, 'Cept the Boys Do All the Catfighting (Tomcatfighting?)

Let's be real for a second about ABC Family's The Vineyard: It's 50 percent actors and 50 percent kids being fed lines like "Word travels fast in this town" (and having a super hard time regurgitating them). There's a surplus of staring. It's so staged, it makes Keeping Up With the Kardashians look like a National Geographic program. And there are so many teeny blond girls, we might need to tag them like baby calves to tell them apart. Which is to say it's the perfect mindless summer viewing.

But there is one thing that sets The Vineyard apart from most shows of its ilk: It's the guys, not the ladies, who really take the lead on the sniping. Rather refreshing, actually, even when the exchanges themselves are flat-out ridiculous. Wait, all of them were flat-out ridiculous. Let's review:

In a moment that foreshadows things to come, Luis bumps Jon as they're both trying to use the same door on the ferry. Jon says, "Jerk!" I would have had an easier time buying the total spontaneity of this encounter if I couldn't tell Jon was concentrating so hard on the choreography. ("Left foot, right foot, left foot, 'JERK!' Yes! Nailed it!")

2) You guys are not gonna believe this, but they end up being roommates.

And Jon already claimed one of the two identical beds, so don't even think about the one on the left, Luis. In this scene, apropos of very little, Luis awkwardly pipes up: "You're a bit of a tool, aren't you?" Jon just laughs and walks off like, yeah, as if a tool would ever rock spiky gelled hair and an endless supply of tank tops. Get real, dude.3) Bike Guy labels Jon a "wash-ashore."

Jon's just trying to have a normal (read: strangely aggressive) Vineyard interaction with Blond #2 when Bike Guy lays it down out of nowhere: Oh, Jon, you're just here for the summer? That's called a wash-ashore. I don't like your pretty-boy kind. I do construction!

Bike Guy's next stop is letting Ben know that he knows that Ben didn't leave the Coast Guard, he got kicked out. (See "Word gets around on this island.") This is a huge problem for Ben, because Ben is really nervous about how he'll ever get a job if this secret gets out. (Ben, you know this is a TV show, right? Did someone tell you you're posing for an oil painting?)

Even though local-girl Cat warns them not to, Jon and his toady Daniel try to crash a get-together where they don't know anyone. They roll up: "We heard there was a party here." And then a guy in aviators actually looks around the party cartoonishly and goes "Nah, I don't think so." (You know, the line that, if this were a teen film from circa 2000, would've been uttered by Teck of The Real World: Hawaii.) The phrase "Hit the bricks!" is also involved, which tickled me to no end.

Everybody's at a bonfire when Jon and Luis get into it over Katie, our heroine, whom Jon wants to hook up with and Luis considers a really good friend, the type you wait till episode eight to proclaim your secret undying love for, per your agent's instructions. Luis tells Jon to stay away from Katie. Jon goes right back to sitting with her. Luis immediately takes Jon aside again—and then, after each of them, for a split second, looks like they're going to cry, kicks off the halfhearted pushing. They tumble to the ground.

What happens then? We'll have to wait until next week to find out. Would anyone like to place some bets on the dialogue we might hear as the two guys sort this out in episode two? I've got 100 bucks on "I'm not your friend, bro."

P.S. I was so happy in the moment the sun glinting off these graphics made me believe this girl was named Cabby. (She's Gabby).