Tuesday, January 1, 2013

So, what better time to look back on the style and makeup of the past decades? Okay, actually I've just had this idea stuck in my head for ages about recreating the makeup from the past, because it's winter, and I'm trapped in the house, and it will be FUN!

So, since we're already IN the OH-OH'S (I created that term myself. You like? Maybe it will go VIRAL), I thought I'd start instead with

THE NINETIES.

SHUDDER.

You know, the EIGHTIES takes a lot of flack from people. Everyone's always dumping on the eighties; the fashion, the music, the garish colours, etc, but NOBODY ever talks about THE NINETIES.

That's right. As everyone's all shit-talking the eighties, the nineties quietly sneak under the radar, relieved that nobody realizes that they were actually WORSE.

Ew! It's the 90's! The music is gross, the fashion is yuck, and flammable polyester has made a huge come-back--and not in a good way.

So here's me, in the photie below, with my usual non-style, style. I like to think of it as, "just enough effort to not look like a hag." Har har.

Incidentally, I'm at a hair colour crossroads. On one hand I'm completely sick of colouring my hair, dealing with roots, and dumping CHEMICALS ALL OVER MY HEAD. On the other hand, is it mousey?

Whatever.

So this is me, pre-makeup.

So, if you recall, the 90's was all about the super thin, hideous eyebrow. And if it was shaped like a clowny-clown semi-circle, even better.

So, what I'm going for here, is the look of a totally over-plucked eyebrow. Hard to tell in the photie, unfortunately.

Next, you'll want to coat your face with foundation. MATTE foundation. And, you'll probably be using a SPONGE. I never use a sponge to put on foundation these days.

OH, and don't think you should ever wash that freaking sponge. The grimier the better. After all, this is the 90's and you use whatever cheap garbage you can get your hands on.

eeew...

COAT THAT FACE!

There. All coated.

Next, you're going to want to line your upper and lower lids with EYELINER. And don't be thinking you're going to use BLACK EYELINER. HELLZ NO. It is THE 90'S, and since each subsequent decade is a reaction to the previous, there will be NO garish, bright, unnatural colours.

No.

You will only use EARTH TONES, like brick and brown, and some brown-y mauve, etc.

Even your mascara must be brown. You might go as far as black/brown, but let's not go crazy.

all lined up with the brown eyeliner.

And the same goes for blush, DAMMITT. You must use some bricky, orangey, brown kind of colour.

does the blush look any different from my naturally blotchy face? Hrm...

Coat the hell out of your face with pressed powder. You need a COMPLETELY MATTE look. NO SHINE! SHINE IS BAD!

Next, you must line those lips with a SUPER POINTY, WELL-SHARPENED lip pencil. Wait...it's darker than your lipstick...OH WAIT! THAT'S OKAY! IT'S THE 90'S and that disgusting look is IN!

Oh...and don't forget to put a little foundation on your lips first. It'll help your lipstick last longer. Because your lipstick should never come off in the 90's. Never.

ew.

Now, fill in your lipstick. I have a poopy shade of browny...something called "Fawn."

Aren't you glad I've never listened to those boring experts who say you should always throw your old makeup away?

You're welcome.

oop...I see some shine on the face. Better re-powder.

Okay, so lipstick's on, but there's one problem. It's a bit shiny.

In the 90's, SHINE IS THE ENEMY. You must not have a BIT of shine on your face, and definitely no shine on your lips. So, you actually mush your blush brush around through that pressed powder, and apply it over your lipstick.

It helps to make the SMOOCHY face before you apply that powder, so you can emphasize all the natural lines in your lips.

mwah!

And now comes the worst part: THE HAIR. Oh, the stupid hair. Straight hair was super in. Now, part it in the middle.

That was not the middle. I was almost phyically incapable of finding THE MIDDLE. Try again.

Yes, that's better. Oh, and those chunky bangs will have to go. In the 90's, if you had bangs at all, they were WISP THIN.

No problem-o: you can clip your hair back with some stupid ass little butterfly bobby pins.

heinous.

Don't style your bangs with your hair straightener though. No. You must give them a light curl with the curling iron.

Godz...I've almost forgotten quite how to do this!

Oh, curl your hair under and forward too, because you'll want to emphasize that haircut you got. You know--you told the hairdresser to only layer it in the front? Yeah.

Oh goody! Time to get dressed! Do you have any completely sheer polyester blouses with a little tank top to go underneath? How about a ribbed polyester shirt in a nice burgundy colour? Maybe a ribbed crop-top with a cowl neck?

WAIT! HOW ABOUT SOME VELVET?!? Yes! THAT'S THE TICKET!

Just for you people, I have put on my burgundy velvet dress, circa 1998.

Oh, and don't forget the jewellery. It must be as teeny tiny as possible. Some stupid, too-tight necklace with tiny little details and MATCHING earrings will do just fine.