Have you ever looked at your food—let’s say you’re eating a sandwich—and thought, “Whoa, what if the bread and the turkey and tomato were fucking right now, like having a threesome or whatever? Oh wait, the lettuce is there too. It’s a fucking like, uh, a fucking foursome. HAHAHA WAIT THERE ARE TWO SLICES OF FUCKING…

To be completely fair, every day is Conservative Dudes Shit On Your Rights Day if you look at things from the right (pun intended) angle. But even in the current anti-letting women mind their own bodies climate, today was special. Isn't it nice to know that some old guys in Washington who you'll never meet care so…