My due date is coming up… In 3 days… In 3 days…. I’m still so sad right now… i miss my baby boy. Not a single St. patricks day or 4th of july will ever go by and not get a I miss him so very much.

But I have news… scary, terrifying, life altering news… I’m pregnant! and I’m so very scared… What if we lose this one? If it does happen will I sink into that same depression? Will i be able to climb out again? I don’t know. I am happy, nauseous, tired, and so very very scared. 10 weeks down looking forward to 30 more good ones!!

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So today I ended up getting the most perfect gifts! Some wonderful gifts and crafts from my children. And from my husband oh from my wonderful husband, He said that he is ready to try for another baby!!! Oh my heart is so much lighter. I am happy!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!

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Tomorrow is mothers day… I want nothing to do with the day, I want no gifts, no money spent. The cards and such my children made me are enough. I have been trying to tell my husband that.. He doesn’t get it. What I want to tell him is what I really want.. I want my baby back.. I want to be hugely pregnant and miserable. I want my baby boy not some trinket. I want to get pregnant again. I want him to want to try again. I want to be happy. I don’t want to celebrate. I want to throw up and buy diapers. I want to stop the tears that wont stop no matter what I do. But I can’t tell him that. He doesn’t understand. Or doesn’t want to and I’ll nnot inflict that pain on him again.

So while I hope everyone has a happy day tomorrow. I’ll have another day where all I want to do is curl up and die. I’ll be outwardly happy for my children and husband, but so sad inside that it is completely unfathomable.

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So my neighbor had a new baby boy today.. I broke down in tears as soon as I shut the door.. It’s no fair, I’m angry and sad, but I want to be happy for her. I really truly do. I am a horrible neighbor. For the past month I have been jealous of her. I have been angry and avoiding her. I don’t even know her very well. I didn’t even know her well enough to tell her I was pregnant. She doesn’t know that I lost a baby boy, and there is no reason to tell.. There is no reason to tell anyone. No reason at all. there is no reason to writing this either except that this is what I do when I’m upset. I write it down.. I drown it in tears for a few minutes, I berate myself, and I try to move on. Why can’t I move on? Why do I have to be this angry bitter person? why can’t I control myself even a little?

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July 18th… My baby boys due date… A day that will pass without exception… A day that will fly by with out a care to me or my feelings… I want so badly to be pregnant again before that day. I want something anything to look forward to. I want my hubby to know this, but I don’t want to hurt him because he isn’t ready to talk about it. I’m not sure how I will make it through that day/month. Hell just getting through April has been hell. July 18th.. Only 2 months away. Only 10 weeks. Only nothing.. Nothing at all.

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I’m not much of a drinker.. Never have been, Never liked it. The other day Hubby got me a bottle of a new wine to try. It was pretty good and as I for some reason super hormonal I drank the entire bottle in 2 days. and had a few other drinks on top of that. I started my period the next day. Seriously getting my period has been like a kick in the teeth. Thank you god for rubbing in my face the fact that I am no longer pregnant. Thank you god for the hormones rushing through my body that make me tear up and cry while watching my kids play at the playground… Thank you for the cramps and horrible awful stomachache.

Why can I not just get over this yet? Seriously I do want to move on so badly, but I miss my little boy so damn much… Fucking hell :(

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I hate running into people that I haven’t seen since before we lost the baby. I hate having to tell people over and over again that he is gone.

I hate that my life is turned upside down again. I had been planning on getting a job when DD#2 started kindy this year.. Then we found out #5 was coming and everything changed. Now I’m back to square one with many months less of planning and looking. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to be around a ton of people I don’t want to talk to, I don’t want to not be home for the older kids, I don’t want to be to tired for them to play on the playground after school. I just want everything to stay how it is right now.

I hate being sad still. I hate not being pregnant, I hate being judgmental, I hate being the way I am right now.