Love Thy Neighbor: Sitting Next To Your Secret Crush

Share!

Once in your lifetime, the planets will align in such a way that your teacher's seating chart will place you directly next to the man or woman of your dreams. When this happens, your mind will explode. But then what?

Using complex neuroscience--and a dash of presumption on our part--we have listed exactly what will go on in your mind for the first class period in which you sit next to the secret love of your life. Read this to understand how silly you are acting. Then, on the second day of class, act like yourself…and everyone will love you. Everyone!
What Goes Through Your Mind During the First Minute
Butterscotch typhoon, glass of water? [Your mind will not know how to process your new neighbor. Whatever happens, don't say a word until you can properly assess the situation.]

Next Ten Minutes
Oh my gosh! She's sitting right there. I can see her. I can see her for an entire class period. No one else can see her from this angle. This angle is my angle. I own this perspective. I wonder if she knows me? Why would she know me? I'm not someone she would know. Maybe I should say something.

Next Five Minutes
I should say something. She almost looked at me. She turned her head, and it almost appeared as though she was looking at me…but I think she was looking at the floor. But my shoe is on the floor. She may have been looking at my shoe. Maybe if I wiggle my shoe, she will like me. She loves my shoe. That's obvious. Why else would she look at my shoe? She is judging me on the basis of my shoes. Buy new shoes tonight.
Next Ten Minutes
She probably forgot where my shoe is, because she hasn't looked at it again. Or maybe she hates my shoes. Maybe she thinks I'm a bad kisser because of my shoes. My stomach hurts. Her hair is really good. Her hair is always clean. I want to live in her hair, like a bird. A bird that lived in her hair would be the luckiest bird of them all.

Next Five Minutes
She looked at me! She looked directly at me, and not at my shoes. I just coughed a second ago, and she looked up at me. Her eyes are like pools of heaven-water. I should cough again. Maybe if I cough again, she will love me and want to kiss me and my tender throat.

Next Minute
I coughed again, but she didn't budge. She probably thinks I'm a strange coughing guy who coughs all the time. I must never cough again.

Next Five Minutes
Our arms touched! Well, not really. But the air that is touching my arm is also touching the air that is touching her arm. (Our arms are really close to touching!) Should I pretend my hand slipped so I could touch her arm? No. That would be awful. I have to cough for real, but can't. I don't want her to think I'm a Coughing Guy. Must. Not. Cough. She will judge my cough. I know it's silly, but she will. Must. Not Cough. Face…is red. So much itchy throat pain! Sweating. Can't stop sweating.
Next Five Minutes
Not coughing. I willed my body to cease coughing. My eyes are watering, my forehead is drowning in sweat. But I did not cough. I hope she doesn't look at me. I look horrible. I'm so sweaty and red and fat. I'm so fat. I'll do sit ups every night until she loves me. Her shirt looks really good. Her shirt is so lucky. My abs are going to be slamming! I bet she likes the same movies that I like.

Next Five Minutes
OK. I'm no longer sweating. Now she can look at me. Look at me. Can you read my mind? Look at me. Look at me. She has the best wrists. She should be a wrist model. Look at me. Maybe I should say Hi. Just a simple hello? There's nothing weird about saying hello, right? Everyone says hello. Toll both workers say hello. Do toll booth workers wear diapers? How many types of booths are there? Toll booths, voting booths…I think that's it.

Next Five Minutes
I didn't do it. I just made an H-sound. Like I was half-laughing/half-exhaling. It was odd. She didn't look at me. I'll try again. And I'll do it this time. I'll say the entire word. Here it goes. I'm going to do it. I'm going to say hello. And I'm going to marry this woman. I'm really going to do it this time. I bet we'll go to the same college. I'm really going to say hello now. The bell rings in a few minutes. If I don't say hello soon, she will leave and fall in love with Jason. Jason plays basketball without his shirt on. I can't let her fall in love with that guy.

Next Minute
Or should I just ask to borrow a pen? That wouldn't be too creepy. I can ask for a pen, and then she will look at me. We can tell our grandchildren about this day, and about how a simple pen brought us together. But what if she doesn't have a pen? What if she's poor and doesn't have a spare pen, and if I ask her for a pen, it will only remind her that she doesn't have "pen money." I can't do that to her. I should lift something heavy so she can see how powerful I am. I wish I could juggle.
Next Five Minutes
I'll say hello tomorrow. That will make more sense. I'll say it tomorrow at the start of class. And I'll give her a smile. Everyone loves my smiles. My smiles are world renowned. I'm the master of the smile. And she will love me for that. Tomorrow is going to be the greatest day that has ever been born.