What If the Washington Redskins Ran the Washington Capitals?

On Monday, the Washington Redskins announced that they had failed to reach a new long-term deal with starting quarterback Kirk “Kurt” Cousins.

These sorts of things happen all the time, and it was not particularly unusual until about, oh, one minute later, when Redskins President and beguiling leatherface Bruce Allen revealed the specifics of the last offer the Redskins made to Cousins, and essentially threw him under the bus and smeared him as a greedy, superstar primadonna. It is now almost certain Cousins will never, ever want to re-sign with Washington, and who could blame him?

The reaction to the Redskins’ utter, complete, scorched Earth botching of their relationship with their most successful and well-liked quarterback in recent memory was predictable, infuriated, enraged, and flabbergasted.

This incompetence is nothing new for the Redskins. In fact, it’s all they’ve done for the last two-and-a-half decades. It’s what we expect. It’s on-brand. It’s like clockwork.

Which got me thinking: what if the Washington Redskins’ front office ran the Washington Capitals?

I am so, so sorry for what follows. It is all imaginary. It is not real. You will wake up from it.

2001 – Jaromir Jagr Traded to Washington

What It Was:

Fresh off of winning the NHL scoring title four straight seasons in a row, and taking home back-to-back Stanley Cups with the Pittsburgh Penguins in ’91-92, the 29 year-old Jagr had outstayed his welcome in the Steel City, and was ready to chase another championship with a club that was willing to pay what the undisputed best offensive player in the league commanded.

How the Capitals Handled It:

The Capitals, Stalin-esque “five-year plan” in hand, acquired Jagr in a trade with the Penguins that sent the Czech superstar to Washington in exchange for three prospects. The deal, the richest in NHL history at the time at eight years and $88 million, was meant to bring the Capitals one final step closer to winning their first Stanley Cup in franchise history.

Of course, we all know how that worked out. Jagr’s point production immediately fell off by a full 1â?3 his first year in Washington, and his goals plummeted from 52 in ’00-01 to just 31 in ’01-02. Many accused Jagr of dogging it, playing without energy, passion, or interest in anything other than his own ever-swelling bank account, flushed with cash like some ultra-extravagant toilet.

Ultimately, Jagr lasted just two-and-a-half seasons in Washington before being run out of town to the New York Rangers on white Jofa rails. Today, the mere mention of his name among Capitals fans of a certain age elicits a chuffing reaction that approximates the sound of a stalling locomotive.

How the Redskins Would Have Handled It:

The Redskins, under the tyrannical buffoonery of Great-Value-brand-Napoleon Dan Snyder, would have offered Jagr more money. In fact, all the money. And more years. All the years.

That’s right: the Redskins-run-Capitals would have been blinded with pheromonal lust at the thought of an aging, probably-spent superstar, and would have struck a deal with the U.S. Treasury to print more money than existed in circulation, then offered it to Jagr on a silver platter made from the bones and blood of endangered pandas.

The term of the contract would have been, like the Guinness Brewery’s lease with Dublin, for 9000 years, ’til Ragnarok, or until the Sun consumes the Earth in a fiery ball of cleansing final justice.

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