self titled

Friday, September 28, 2007

i will eat your babies, bitch!

i spent the last week trying to get my car out of the stupid car pound because it got towed like a month ago and i made the mistake of saying something in front of my boyfriend and he is like WOAH YOU HAVE A CAR CAN I HAVE IT? actually no the conversation was way longer than that and it involved me trying to explain why i abandonned my car at the car pound (didn't want it) and why i never sold it (too lazy) and involved sentences such as YES I AM SERIOUSLY SAYING THAT THE EFFORT OF PUTTING AN AD ON CRAIGSLIST IS NOT WORTH THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. so that was fun. trying to explain to someone how i can't really bring myself to care about things that are not right in front of my face. that is why i have no friends, because if they don't call me for three days i forget they are alive and then when they do call me i don't answer the phone because i look at the caller id and am like WHAT IS THIS CRAZY NUMBER THAT IS CALLING ME. anyway if your secret car is at the car pound don't mention it to your boyfriend or he will make you go get it and you will end up spending hours of your life in a trailer in the ghetto. god, the first thing i noticed when i walked into the place was the wood paneling everywhere. this was like an omen to me because i am pretty sure nothing good has ever happened amidst wood paneling. then the second thing i noticed was that there was puke everywhere seriously EVERYWHERE too bad i didn't get there in time to witness some idiot spray vomit all over the whole place. also they have a giant illustrated diagram of emotions i guess in case you needed help realizing that everyone in the place is feeling violent and insane. it actually said violent and insane on there. it also said respected. yeah right i bet nobody has felt respected in that place ever EVER. anyway you have to wait in line forever and when you finally become desensitized to the smell of afternoon vomit they send you outside to get your car but then you have to go back in again and relive the experience of smelling vomit for the very first time, it is truly beautiful. i'm not going to lie i actually liked the part where you go outside because there are like a million cars there and they have a guy in a busted ass car with a screwdriver sticking out of the ignition drive you to where your car is, i felt like i was in a john carpenter film. anyway i couldn't find my registration in the car so they wouldn't let me take it. which makes absolutely no sense to me because when my registration was expired for three months it was easy enough for them to discern that i had no registration and write me thirty thousand tickets a day but i guess now that i actually have valid registration they are suddenly going to pretend that that information is like impossible to retrieve. then i had to take the bus home and of course the one white person in the neighborhood has to be waiting at the bus stop with me, you guys i am SO SCARED OF WHITE PEOPLE. i am pretty sure they are all gang rapists. so i am standing at the stupid bus stop terrified of getting gang raped even though there was only one guy, that is how scary white people are, so scary i bet one of them can find a way to gang rape you all by himself. he didn't gang rape me, probably because i kept looking at him like i wanted to punch a hole in his face. anyway then i had to go back there and this other guy in line thought he recognized me. i'm like OH WERE YOU HERE YESTERDAY BECAUSE I AM PRETTY MUCH HERE EVERY DAY. then some lady got all irate with me because i got in front of her in line because they have some stupid policy there that after you go to your car you don't have to get in line again, probably because they know if they make you get back in line again there is like a ten thousand percent chance you are going to start killing people. anyway they don't have like a different window for you to go to at that point, you are just supposed to risk your life cutting in front of a bunch of the angriest people you have ever seen in your life. now i totally understand how innocent people that go to prison turn into hardened criminals, i came out of that fucking trailer ready to gouge somebody's eyes out with my thumbs if they looked at me the wrong way. oh also in case you weren't feeling bad for me because you thought the whole thing was probably my fault let me tell you why my car got towed MY CAR GOT TOWED BECAUSE I LEFT IT IN THE SAME SPOT FOR SEVEN DAYS AND APPARENTLY THAT IS ILLEGAL. actually i left it in the same spot for like three months ever since that time i got a flat tire in elgin and had to walk three miles down the highway on the hottest day of the year so i could call up and join triple a from the fucking rainforest cafe at woodfield mall. god having a car is so gay i hope my stupid boyfriend knows what he is in for here.

Friday, September 21, 2007

why am i still hearing about the jena six?

seriously? you would think by now the judge would have been like WHOOPS MY BAD and gave those six kids a scholarship or something. i mean that white kid HUNG NOOSES FROM A TREE. you want to know why i've never hung nooses by a tree? i guess besides not being a racist peice of shit? hm i don't know maybe because I DON'T WANT TO GET BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF BY A BUNCH OF ANGRY BLACK PEOPLE. you can not seriously hang fucking NOOSES from a fucking TREE and then be surprised that black people want to beat the shit out of you. i mean i even kind of want to beat the shit out of that kid and i am not even black and i don't even live in that stupid town. hm i guess this is flawed logic though because if you live in a town that has a WHITE TREE you probably also should not be surprised if you get the death penalty for beating up a white person. THANK GOD I DO NOT LIVE IN JENA. they probably don't like jews there either. seriously are we living in the nineteen forties? do people really hang nooses from trees? and then get in school suspension for it? i got in school suspension one time in high school, i think it was for unexcused absences. which didn't seem so unreasonable at the time but now that i find out i shared a punishment with people who hang nooses from trees i should probably demand those seven hours of my life back. there is a headline for you. OAK PARK TRUANT RECIEVES SAME SENTENCE AS HATE CRIME OFFENDER.

Friday, September 14, 2007

i went to a show on wednesday i am not going to say who it was but i am going to say one of the dudes in the band lives downstairs from my friend jenny and he came out onto the porch the other night with a raging boner. i told everyone at the show THAT GUY HAS AN ERECTION PROBLEM. i went to this show right after work so i had to carry around my stupid bike helmet the whole time like a fucking douchebag extrordinaire. yeah i started wearing a bike helmet because my ex boyfriend told me to. like seven hundred other people have told me to and then this guy does and i'm like okay, i will. my helmet is fucking hot pink because my mom felt that she needed to buy me a hot pink helmet for some reason. the fucking thing looks like somebody took a malibu stacey bowling ball chopped it in half and stuck it on my head. wayland smithers would love it! god i just smoked a newport and i think it gave me emphysema. jesus christ. i like how newport ads always have people playing tennis or some shit. alive with pleasure! i practically collapsed smoking that thing just standing there.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

happy 9/11

i wanted to leave work so bad yesterday i went to harrass dave in his office because that is what i do thirty times a day i was like GOD DAVE CAN I JUST LEAVE? I'M GOING ACROSS THE STREET AND PHONING IN A BOMB THREAT and he was like do it it's 9/10 they would probably evacuate all of downtown. when i went to community college some guy started calling in a bomb threat every tuesday for like three weeks and then he started calling one in every day and then he went to jail. it was awesome. like every time i went to school there were cops there telling me to go home. NOOOO SCHOOOOOL AT KISHHWAUUKEEEEEE!!! that is a beautiful song i made up during those glorious times. you should probably hear me sing it because even though i just went back and added and extra h it still isn't translating into writing. did you even know i went to community college? see that is inspirational. even people who fail out of real college and are forced to degrade themselves in fake college can one day get phds and become low paid legal assstants. YOU TOO COULD BECOME GROSSLY UNDERPAID. we are truly living in the land of milk and honey. i have a 9/11 joke and i will tell it to you.

KNOCK KNOCK.and then you say who's there. and then i say NINE ELEVENand then you say nine eleven who. and then i say YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!!

god that joke is hilarious. i forgot all about that joke until today. i tried telling it to everybody i met at the bar like three months ago and everybody thought i was TOTALLY NOT FUNNY. unless you had to inhale burning human ashes while you ran home to escape nuclear fallout or whatever you are a fucking idiot if you do not think that is funny. so funny.

also on the real 9/11 i did not have a tv and my friend called me to tell me planes were flying into buildings and i totally did not believe her and i walked to class anyway but guess what NO CLASS. then i watched the footage at the laundermat. TOTAL CLASS. god now that i just remembered i attended community college i think it probably doomed me. i knew nobody from community college could ever succeed at life.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

why do i always have this song in my head.

i don't even know if this is a real song. somebody tell me if this is a real song or if one of my friends made it up. i used to sing it all the time in college.

ANOTHER FRIDAY NIGHT AND I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY (i think it is supposed to be noBODY but i always say no money because come on i have never had nobody in my entire life)

DON'T GOT NO MONEY CAUSE I DON'T GOT A JOB (actually i think this is wrong too i think it's i've got some money cause i just got paid. i always sing the wrong words to songs. yeah i realize my version is redundant, fuck off)

OH HOW I WISH I HAD SOMEONE TO TALK TO

okay i don't remember the last part. i guess i'll go get laid? i guess i'll go get wasted? god i hope this is a real song and i didn't just make it up. i love making up the stupidest songs ever. when i was nine i made one up that goes LIFE'S ABOUT AS MISERABLE AS IT CAN BE NOW. IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE IF IT TRIED. i made that up in amsterdam and sung it all around the damn place. don't ask me what is so miserable about being nine and in amsterdam. i guess that you're too young for whores.

Friday, September 07, 2007

another friday night

i had big plans tonight to make pan seared tuna steak and dye my hair black and draw and then xan calls and tells me to come over because her brother rented pink flamingos and bring beer. i have no idea what the fuck kind of beer people are drinking these days. i know her brother drinks oldstyle. too bad one time a friend of mine left some oldstyles over here and my roommate would not drink them even though i am pretty sure he is not above drinking listerine for a buzz. plus he likes high life. DECISIONS! also i just made a giant pot of blueberry tea i am going to put that shit in the fridge and be in heaven tomorrow. i hope when i do not show up at the mutiny tonight ed does not call 911. also when i say rented pink flamingos i mean checked it out of the library. did you guys know that the library has better videos than blockbuster? plus i am going to bring the stories of john cheever on the train. possibly i am the biggest loser on the planet because i am disgustingly excited by all of this.