Ahoy dudes. The wise and starchy Second Council of Olive Garden is searching for holy scripture to be added to the Loose Canon. The Council is only accepting stuff the fits the whole FSM thing, so no hate-mongering, supporting things that obviously contradict our teachings, or general douchey stuff. Also, I'm a lazy man, so number your verses.

REPENT! REPENT! THE END IS NEAR! In this thread you can submit your visions of the apocalypse, in our case, the end of ID, or science if you're a pessimist. As with most prophetic visions, it probably should sound pretty insane. The Council suggests that you might want to absorb some sort of substance to raise yourself to a separate plane of reality. If you wanna be extra crazy but don't have a lot to say you can submit a short vision at the other Revelations thread viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1134 for the Book of Revealed Crapola.

1. And lo, the smug and self-satisfied idolators of Europe came forth from their shrines to Newton, Einstein, and Darwin; and did set upon the Mount of Toblerones a huge ringpiece, saying unto each other "Yea, verily this is a bigger ringpiece than even the ringpiece of the American idolators at FermiLab". And they called the enormous ringpiece "The Large Hadron Collider", which is a silly name.

2. And the men of the Tabloids did wail and rend their vestment, crying "Lo, it is the end of the World, these idolators shall bring ruin upon the face of the Earth by unleashing unknown forces upon the Firmament"; and they did send word forth that the idolators should henceforth be known as Boffins, and should be ridiculed in our sight.

3. But the Boffins on Mount Toblerone cared not for the men of the Tabloids; and laughed and scorned them, saying "These men of the Tabloids know not whereof they speak, for truly they are obsessed only with Jennifer of Aniston, and Bradgelina of the house of Hollywood". And the friendship between the Boffins and the men of the Tabloids was cast asunder.

4. And so it came to pass that the Boffins did gather to worship their own cleverness upon Mount Toblerone, and they did gather upon a Wednesday; and on that Wednesday the Boffins did take all the electricity from all the surrounding banks, watchmakers and chocolate factories to tithe their own cleverness through the enormous ringpiece; and the chocolate makers, bankers and watchmakers were vexed and wroth.

5. And so it came to pass that the chocolate makers, bankers and watchmakers did cry unto the Flying Spaghetti Monster "Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster! We are vexed and wroth, for we have no electricity to boil water for our pasta! Forgive our apostasy, for it is due to the Boffins on Mount Toblerone! Deliver us from our torment! RAmen".

6. And so the Flying Spaghetti Monster came unto Mount Toblerone to see what all the fuss was, and He looked upon the ringpiece and He saw that it was bad; so He manipulated the electromagnets of the Large Hadron Collider with His noodly appendage so that they broke asunder, and thus ended Wednesday.

7. And early upon the Thursday, the Boffins on Mount Toblerone did gnash their teeth and summon their lawyers, for being silly empiricists they did not sense the touch of His noodly appendage; and they did summon the makers of electromagnets and did say unto them "Fix these damn things, or someone is going to get their ass verily sued", and the makers of electromagnets were full of woe.

8. So the makers of electromagnets did toil all day in the hot sun, under the stewardship of the many lawyers and their threats of litigation; and the Flying Spaghetti Monster did look down upon them with pity, and He decided that no more would He break asunder their electromagnets.

10. So it came to pass that the Flying Spaghetti Monster did cause much confusion in the computers of the Large Hadron Collider, saying that Linux shall not speak unto Microsoft, and that remote peers would reset their connections; and He did manipulate ping response times with His noodly appendage, and the Network Geeks on Mount Toblerone did pray to the false prophet Gates for guidance.

11. And the lawyers fell upon the Network Geeks like wolves upon the fold, saying "Thou shalt honour thy employer, and fear the wrath of his lawyers"; and the lawyers did devour the budgets of the Network Geeks, saying "We have a responsibility, no a duty, to spend all of thy research budget on legal fees, whether thou likest it or not", and thus ended the Thursday.

12. And on the evening of the Thursday, the Flying Spaghetti Monster did look down upon what He had wrought, and He was that it was good; and the next day being Friday, a holy day upon which none should work, He did drink deeply of the Beer Volcano, and did pay his respects at the Stripper Factory.

13. But on the morning of the Friday the lawyers arose early, for they sleepest not and hang upside-down from the branches of the willow like bats; and they did say unto the Network Geeks "Wake! For the Sun who scatter'd into flight; shall set upon thee getting sued tonight!", and the Network Geeks were full of woe.

14. And the Network Geeks did toil all that holy day, and they drank not of beer, and they ate not of pasta; and they were vexed by the ping responses and IP routing which worked perfectly upon the Friday, for the Flying Spaghetti Monster was not manipulating them with His noodly appendage.

15. And so it came to pass that on the afternoon of the Friday the huge ringpiece was operational, and the Boffins did give thanks, and the lawyers did give invoices; and the Network Geeks and makers of electromagnets did pack up their tents in the night and flee from the lawyers, saying "Let my people go".

16. Once again did the Boffins worhip at the enormous ringpiece, and did take all the electricity from the bankers, watchmakers and chocolate makers, and once again they were vexed and wroth; and they did cry unto the Flying Spaghetti Monster "Oh FSM! Why hast thou forsaken us?", but He had forsaken them because He was still sleeping it off.

17. And the Boffins did bask in their own smugness, and did cry out "Oh! What an enormous ringpiece we have wrought"; and they did turn up the power even higher and did become even more smug, and the bankers, watchmakers and chocolate makers did become even more vexed and even more wroth.

18. But the pride of the Boffins was to become their undoing, for upon one of the electromagnets were seven 'O' ring seals, and the seven seals were integrity-checked by computer telemetry; and the Network Geeks and makers of electromagnets, who had fled before the wrath of the lawyers, had not properly repaired them, they being vexed, wroth, and full of woe.

19. And behold! The electromagent shook, and the first seal was opened with a noise like thunder, and from it like a horse sprang white steam; and the computer telemetry system said "Come and see", but the Boffins heard it not, lost as they were in their smugness.

20. And the second seal was opened, and from it like a horse sprang red flames, which had the power to kill like a mighty sword; and the backup systems said "Come and see" but the Boffins paid it no heed, saying unto each other "Get me my agent!" and "Who is doing breakfast television?".

21. And the third seal was opened, and from it poured black smoke which ruined the wheat and the barley, as well as the olives for making oil and the grapes for making wine; and the junior technicians in the control room did say "Come and see" for they liked not the look of the telemetry, but the Boffins did say "Back off, man - we're celebrating!".

22. And the fourth seal was opened, and from it poured forth noxious pale gases which caused death, and they covered the fourth part of the Earth; and the senior technicians who ran the control room said "Come and see", and the Boffins did say "Huh? What the shit?", and they did cease from their celebrating.

23. And when the fifth seal was opened, the people in the control room did freak out, saying unto each other "How long, you dipstick? How long has this been going on?"; and they did take on raiments of white HazMat suits, and they did judge each other, each saying unto the other that it was the other's fault and that they should be killed.

24. And when the sixth seal was opened, there came a great earthquake, and the ground was rent asunder, the sky turned black and the moon became red as a tomato; and the stars of heaven fell to Earth, which really pissed off the Boffins no end, and the sky departed like a roller blind with a dodgy spring, and the people of Earth did hide themselves from all the weirdness.

25. And lo, from the Earth did spring great electric clouds of luminiferous ether, and steaming pools of phlogiston, and the dinosaur bones that had been buried in the Earth to conceal its age did reveal their 'Made In Taiwan' markings; and the enormous ringpiece of the Boffins was consumed by the pit.

26. And when the seventh seal finally gave way, there was silence in the heavens and on Mount Toblerone for about half an hour; and then people started calling the Boffins rude names, saying unto them "How much did it cost again?", and "I wonder who's getting sued this time?", and the men of the Tabloids did cry "I told you so!".

27. And the shouting of the people sounded as the sound of seven trumpets, and the sound roused the Flying Spaghetti Monster from his slumbers, for He likes some big band music once in a while; and when He saw what the Boffins had wrought He was wroth, and as He had a hangover He was doubly wroth and somewhat vexed and full of woe.

28. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did speak unto the people, saying "What have you wrought here?", and the bankers, watchmakers and chocolate makers did say "It was the Boffins! Blame them!"; but the Boffins did say "No! It was the makers of electromagnets and the Network Geeks! Blame them".

29. And the makers of electromagnets and the Network Geeks did say "No! It was the lawyers! They are always to blame"; and the lawyers did serve writs upon the makers of electromagnets and Network Geeks, and did order them to cease and desist their activities.

30. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did say unto the lawyers "Well? What dost thou have to say about it?", and the lawyers did say unto Him "You'd better watch your mouth if you don't want to end up in court, buddy"; and the Flying Spaghetti Monster was even more wroth and even more vexed and full of woe than He had been before.

31. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did cause the Firmament to come crashing down from Heaven, and the Firmament did sink the land beneath the waves; but the noise did cause the Flying Spaghetti Monster to wince in His delicate state, so He caused a great peace to fall across the Firmament, and he did retire for another quick nap.

32. And so it came to pass that the Flying Spaghetti Monster took the rest of the weekend off, and on the Monday He did create another midgit; and He spake unto the midgit saying "Thou shalt remember that Friday is a holy day, when thou shalt get up to no mischief, for thou really doesn't want to be on the receiving end of my divine retribution when I have a holy hangover".

RAmen.

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks."To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine."One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln."If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.

Many of you might recognize me from the front page, but I rarely come to the forums. But last night I had such an incredible experiance, I had to share with you all. Last night I awoke from my sleep shaken and covered with sweat. I was given a terrible burden. Heaven was revealed to me last night, and it is up to me to spread this Holy Word, these:

REVELATIONS OF ST. JASON1.1 While it seemed another night, I found myself tossing and wearied. When Finally I did pass into slumber right away I was taken into dream. I dreamt a man stood at the end of the bed. In full pirate regalia, he was clad, buckle shoes, stripey socks, pantaloons, a wide belt, a loose poet's shirt, and tricorn hat. From where I lay, it was quite clear that he had been drinking heavily, as the smell of beer was quite strong.1.2 "Come with me" he said. "Why?" I asked "Why should I go with you, obviously a drunkard, and a stranger as well?" "Do you not know me?" said he, and indeed, though I had never laid eyes upon this man before, I somehow knew him. "In my previous life, I was sometimes called Saint James the Bastard." This name I knew though the man I did not. So I agreed at last to come with him. "Is it far?" I asked. "As far as a lifetime and only a single step away" he answered, and took me to the window.1.3 My window opened not onto the trees that normally, but instead upon a well-fitted brigatine. Several more pirates crewed the ship and snapped to attention as the captain and myself came aboard. "Cast off, me hearties! Set course for Heaven!" and the scurvy crew set about to sail the ship high above my town. We touched down in a pesto-dark sea, the morning sun stained the skies marinara red. And after many years that took but a eye-blink, a island hove into view.1.4 The island was immense. Big enough for all the people of the world who ever lived and were yet to come. As we approached, I could see the massive volcano that dominated the island. Even Olympus Mons on Mars would be dwarfed by the massive mountain. And on Heaven's slopes gleamed rivulets of freshly erupted beer. Some collected into trickles which danced over the rocks. Others collected into mighty rivers, which filled lakes in which Pastafarians played. Even from this distance, I could see that some streams were dark with Porters or Stouts, and others were light with Pilsners and Kolsh, with a spectrum of brews flowing down the slopes, so that each may try what is their preference.1.5 And in between the streams, I could make out many buildings. Some looked to be massive factories, square and gray, others looked to be dwellings, tastefully made out of flotsam and wrecked ships. In some places, many, many buildings clustered together near a bend in the stream of beer. In other places, great swathes of the mountain were left open, so those who wished solitude could have it.1.6 From the many bays and piers I noticed many ships setting sail and coming into port. "Captain James, those ships, where do they go? From where do they come?" I asked. To which he replied "Those be the holy messengers, charged with bringing believers in. Often, they are sent to bring pasta to the Earth." "Pasta comes from heaven?" I asked, startled. "Of course it does!" He replied. "What? Did you think it grew on trees?" Properly humbled I remained quiet, but Saint James was not finished yet. "By the way, you forgot to capitalize Heaven there. It be a proper place name, so be deservin of capitalization. You are a Pastafarian! We don't let ourselves wallow in ignorance!" Properly chastised, I turned to the pier to which we were approaching.1.7 As the ship was tied off, the Captain took me down the gangplank. We were greeted by a great throng of people, those dressed as pirates, and those with little or no clothing at all. And as we walked upon Heaven's holy shore, I could not help but notice that it seemed... less then Heavenly. While the strippers were pleasant to look upon, and I am sure had nice personalities, most were homely instead of fair. The pirates on the shore were fine people, yet not that interesting. Even the stream of beer, flowing down Heaven's holy flank was flat and macrobrewed. The bowls of pasta which seemed to be upon nearly every rock, were undercooked and the sauce was watered down. "Captain? Why are these things here? Why are the shores of heaven filled with ugly strippers? Why are the Pastafarians such bores? The pasta is terrible and the beer worse. Why are these things in Heaven?" And Saint James gave me the First Truth.1.8 "Many of the living believe that there is a Heaven for those who are to be rewarded, and a Hell to punish. This is not His way. He gathers all the best and brightest to Him at the Crater. The coolest pirates. The hottest strippers. The sauces there would blast away your mortal mouth. And the beer? Sweet Spaghetti Monster..." Seeing that words had failed him, I turned to the volcano, and looking up saw the top was lost in Alfredo-white clouds. "It is a long walk." I observed. "Not really. This be Heaven, after all." he said. "Well, less so this part, which be the outskirts. As the Flying Spaghetti Monster gathers those most worthy to him, those deserving of heaven inhabit all parts, according to their virtues." "And which virtues are these?" I asked. And Saint James gave me the Second Truth.1.9 "Any who believe" said St. James "Are saved. There is a spot in Heaven for them. While it is possible to a complete douche bag and still get into Heaven, you will not be invited to the parties, nor on the pillaging crews, nor to swim in the cauldron. Some get over it and knock off the crap. They slowly get accepted further up the mountain. Others accept their place and set about making it better. They quickly find themselves very busy far up the slopes. And others still can't give it up. They find their place down here, and grumble about the beer, and complain about the ugly strippers, yet do nothing to improve their situation. They may spend eternity down here." he explained. "Are they doomed? Will they never partake of the Holy Font of beers? Never taste the Perfect Alfredo? Never set eyes upon the Most Beautiful Strippers?" I asked shocked. "Don't be an ass." said St. James. "They can go wherever they want. This is Heaven, after all! But like in real life, people don't like to hang out with chowder heads. And more and more, those who deserve find themselves accepted for who they are up the slopes, and those who remain without virtue, find themselves accepted farther down." "Ugh." Said I. "It sounds like high school." "It is like high school," replied St. James. "But unlike that flawed copy, in Heaven, you are actually valued by what you are worth, rather then by who you are dating or who is on the football team." "So what are these virtues, then?" I asked. "Oh, sorry. I got sidetracked there." Said St. James. And proceeded to give me the Second Truth for real this time.2.0 "Pastafarians are judged by a number of Virtues," explained St. James "But the most important are Wit, Piratitude, Respect, and Comeliness. Wit is not just making up snarky comments, though those are important, especially when defending the faith. Instead, Wit is all things mental. Quickness of thought, reasoning, acuity, curiosity, personality, acceptance. Those that go out and explore His creation and enjoy it and wish to find out more about it are blessed. Those that retreat to only one book, or to the television, they are doomed. Those that do not ask questions, that do not marvel at everyday things, those who do not go off the recipe to try and make the sauce better... they may never see Heaven's blessed shore. Those that hate or fear the many, many things that He created cannot be true Pastafarians."2.1 "PIratitude is force of will. It takes will to show up dressed in holy regalia in these modern times. It takes will to stand up for what you believe in, and to draw cutlass to defend it. Piratitude might be said to be able to take what you want from life, despite what others want. Besides, doing something interesting that you want makes you a more interesting person anyway. There is a noted lack of accountants up here, you know."2.2 "Respect might be the greatest of the Virtues. In some ways, it is the flip side of the coin of Piratitude. Where Piratitude says you should go ahead and build a pirate ship out of recycled beer cans, Respect says lay off those who ain't attacking ye. Respect all of His creation, for He made it. Recycle, turn off the light when you aren't in the room, and for Heaven's sake, get rid of that retarded SUV! Respect people too, as they are part of His creation. It doesn't matter who is climbing in whose bed, or what they are eating, or what they wear. They are following their own Piratitude just as you are following yours. So show some Respect!"2.3 "Comeliness is beauty. Not just physical, but beauty in any of it's forms. Think of it this way, you want to make the world more pretty with you in it. There are lots of ways to do this. Start by not being a jerk. Take care of yourself and let others take care of themselves. Offer help to those who need it, not to those who don't. We are all one crew on the Earth, what kind of crewmate are ye gonna be?"2.4 "These virtues all reinforce and supplement each other. Someone with a lot of Wit will have it easier to find a way to follow their Piratitude. By following their Piratitude, you will show others the way, and Respect their choices. Respecting others needs and wishes improves your Comliness. Finding ways to improve your Comliness will improve your Wit. It goes without saying that many times you can improve yourself in many ways with even the simplest decisions." "Now you are making it sound like a video game." I observed. "Again, a poor copy of reality." quipped St. James, and lead the way up the mountain.3.0 We stopped in the shadow of a factory as we climbed Heaven. I refreshed myself with a quaff of weissbeir trickling over a rock. It was notably better then those below. "Tell me," I asked "I have always heard that Heaven has a stripper factory, yet we have passed a few on just our short trip. And I see more further up the slopes. Are the Gospels wrong?" "No," he replied "Its like that place in the mall where you can make your own teddy bear. Even though there are hundreds around the world, you still call it a workshop singular, not workshops. Heaven has a stripper factory with many fabrication plants. It does not have multiple stripper factories." I understood and followed him further up the slope past the wild garlic and basil.3.1 "Behold!" said St. James "The Great Beer Lake." And I saw. Three streams of beer flowed into a natural basin, before pouring over the edge. And many pirates and strippers (and pirate-strippers. Rreow!) rested at its shore, sailed upon its waves, partook in its substance, or swam in it. We rested there at the shore for a while, and drank deep of the lake, and did admire the skinny-dipping of the strippers and pirates. And after a hearty meal of Pad Thai, we continued up the slope.3.2 From far off, I could hear the sound of flintlocks discharging. But St. James seemed to pay it no heed. In moments, we pulled into view of a massive pirate shanty built around a huge factory. "It must be a Friday" St. James noted as he entered into the town. And verily, all around the festivities were commencing. We saw a group of Pastafarians hauling casks of ale around. They made their job easier by drinking the casks as they went, making it lighter. Huge bowls of pasta were heaped for all to sample from. A pirate welcomed a freshly manufactured stripper from the factory. A group of Pastafarian ladies plundered the ale and pasta from their male counterparts in good fun. A great bevy of wonders I did see in that city, but St. James drew me on. "Come! We have to reach the Crater. You will have all eternity to explore Panpastum later. But there is more to show you now."4.0 And true to his word, as we climbed, Heaven improved. The fragrance of great cooking was everywhere. The beer changed to the bitterest of IPAs, the richest of Porters, the sourest of Lambecs. Great clumps of tomatoes and garlic and basil seemed to grow everywhere. And the pasta! Ravioli exploding with flavor. Pot Stickers that satisfied with a single one, yet left you hungry for more. And I had a Cannolini that would make a grown man weep. The strippers we passed were humblingly beautiful, even the men. And the talk of the Pastafarians changed from whining about their situation to learned debates upon matters both classical and modern. I met with Jack Rackham, seated outside of a shanty, discussing the effects of Facebook on modern culture while drinking a very good American Strong Ale. Yet, even though the peak was in sight, St. James drew me onward to the top.4.1 And as we crested the top, I was allowed to witness the Holy of Holies. I cannot describe to you the glories there save for the fact that truly the most Witty, the most Piratical, the most Respectful, and the most Comely of the pastafarians and strippers were found there. They ate of pastas so good as to make heroin pale in comparison. They drank of freshly erupted beers so good as to make mortal brewmasters despair. And above it all, flew the Spaghetti Monster.4.2 I fell to my knees in the knowledge that I was not worthy of this view. Even the indescribable smell wafting from the crater was as far beyond what I deserved as I was beyond the sea far below us now. Then I felt his Noodly Appendage touch me. "There is no fate" He said unto me "Only what you make of yourself. If you truly wish this, then embrace your Virtues. There is a spot here for you, all you have to do is take it."4.3 And I awoke in my own rooms, untouched as before. Yet I swear I could hear His voice saying as I woke up. "Oh! I almost forgot! Don't forget to tell everyone, okay? Thanks!"

---Darwin's Purge, verse 39.

You know the thing that I hate about these .sigblocks? Never have a good idea what to put in them.

I hope you're on the recieving end of an improbability equation wherein something happens to you that's as unlikely as Rob Schneider winning a best actor Oscar on the same day Michael Jackson single handedly captures Osama Bin Laden. ~ Rainswept

O.K. Everything else is just stuff you do while you are waiting to have sex. Sin. WoE. ~ Warlord of Elephants

I have to admit... as much as I love the Gospels, there just wasn't enough mythology in them. So when this was revealed to me, I was surprised to see there was an open call for these materials. The FSM works in mysterious ways, eh? :D

StJason wrote:I have to admit... as much as I love the Gospels, there just wasn't enough mythology in them. So when this was revealed to me, I was surprised to see there was an open call for these materials. The FSM works in mysterious ways, eh? :D

Guys, I agree with St J. Not much story telling or mythology. Just lots of religious inspiration (and praised be to his noodly appendage for that!)

The Book of Midgets/Midgits did allude to there being another mythology about Pirates. Pirates were created following further iteration of The Great Noodly Ones chosen subjects (I think Lumberjacks got a mention as well, but perhaps they became exinct, due to global warming)

Just thoughts...but we could establish a link between the mythology and Bobby's book reference in a 'Book of Pirates'.

Detective TurtleHolmes wrote:Should we have a story of Piraticus? After all, he coined the word "Argh" in the very beginning of the gospel:"In the beginning was the Word,and the Word was "Arrrgh!"- PIRATICUS 13:7

I actually am working on the Book of Piraticus, with the quote in it. I'm basing it Leviticus. It's nothing spectacular but we don't look legit if we quote texts that don't exist.

DaveL wrote:Just thoughts...but we could establish a link between the mythology and Bobby's book reference in a 'Book of Pirates'.

Not a bad idea, tho contradictory texts are always welcome in a holy book.