Kiko’s Food for the Friendzoned: One-Pan Pasta

February 12, 2017

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Photos by Beatrice Faicol

When the best gay web series on the planet streamed its pilot, we were introduced to a character named Kiko, of which the only thing we knew was that he liked to spend time in the kitchen. It’s only in Episode 4 that we finally discovered why. Those starved for love can always find comfort in cooking. With a sharp knife to handle and an open flame to work with, there’s enough to distract someone from the wounds and burns of rejection and loneliness.

Of course, keeping his feelings hidden from Adrian is tiring and can leave our Kiko famished. But that’s what his favorite spaghetti is for. A plate of noodles always feels like a party, plus sometimes it wards off carb-watching douchebags trying to get with the love of your life (remember Ryan from Episode 1?)

With Valentine’s coming up, we got Kiko a.k.a. actor Albert Saspa (who is also quite the home cook) to make us his Pasta Sa ‘Di Pinapansin. Using just one pan is not only convenient where dishwashing is concerned (because hey, you’ve got no boyfriend to help you) but also cathartic for those who always need to compartmentalize their feelings. With one pan, you just throw all those feelings—er, ingredients—in without a care. Also, while this recipe calls for linguini, you can use spaghetti noodles as an alternative for an easier-to-slurp Sad Bastard Spaghetti.

Directions

Combine linguini, tomatoes, onion, garlic, basil, chili flakes, cheese, 2 teaspoons salt, 1 teaspoon pepper, and the hotdogs in a large skillet. Pour beef broth over it, at least enough to cover the ingredients like you’ve covered up your feelings for the unattainable guy in your life.

2. Over high heat, bring everything to a boil. Watch as the bubbling water pulverizes those tomatoes, like any chance you’ll ever have with said guy.

3. Using tongs, stir the pasta frequently. Be careful not to let the stirring motion hypnotize you into indulging any thoughts of you and your almost-lover finally getting together. It’s not gonna happen, homo.

4. In about 12 minutes, that pasta should be al dente (a.k.a. done, like your love life) and the water should have evaporated (again, like your love life).

5. Heap all that pasta on one plate and season with salt and pepper. Scatter parmesan cheese all over it like the hopes for romance you should be scattering in the wind.

6. Stop staring longingly at your food and consider dialing that fuck buddy you never gave a chance. He might actually be hungry, and if you actually feed him this time, you might find he’s quite decent at dinnertime conversation. #TeamMarko

SHOP

About Team

TEAM tackles how gay Filipino men relate their identity, from fuckups to fantasies, to where to go for music you can actually dance to. We may not have proper rights in our country but we’re claiming some authority by getting our words and ideas on page. And though we lack public places to convene, an open publication (and wide-open digital space) is a good place to start.