Steve: Man is he in good shape. Maybe being a vampire is like being in prison and you've got so much free time all you do is work out.

Zack: Yeah, not much else to do. Once you tear through thousands of years of human knowledge and have sex with about 1,000 women you probably just say screw it and start doing crunches.

Steve: That's what happened with Charles Barkley. Ironically, when he went to jail he got fat.

Zack: Charles Barkley didn't go to jail, he went to that creepy Arizona concentration camp that fascist Joe Arpaio guy runs where he dresses convicts in pink diapers and makes them sleep on rocks like lizards.

(indecipherable yelling as eight heroes stand still in an ankle-deep wavepool)

About This Column

Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.