5.11.09

My ex-husband is a dickwad. This is not a dissertation on his dickwaddery, however. Well, not exactly, anyway.

Ex's maternal grandmother was a horrible woman. Horrible. A conduit of evil. She was a blackhearted bigot disguised as a tiny southern woman. This woman actually felt that the KKK was a worthwhile social group. She was the type of woman who'd poison the neighborhood cats because they knocked over the trash cans.

She was all of these things. She is currently nothing as she is recently deceased. This is where the story gets interesting.

I am not pure WASP. Sure, half, but the other half is pure Mexican. This means I am not blonde. Nor am I blue-eyed. Granny did not approve of a person such as myself for her super-bright-white grandson.

The first time I met the woman she asked me if I had any hobbies like quilting, sewing, or gardening. No, really, she did. I said no. She then said, and I quote here verbatim because I couldn't possibly forget it, "Really? You don't garden? I thought you Mexicans were born gardeners. My yardboys are all Mexicans."

When she was told I had moved around a lot she asked if it was because my father was a migrant worker. Clearly, she had certain ideas. Needless to say (yet I say it anyway), I wasn't fond of her and the feeling was mutual.

The last time I saw her was at my wedding to Ex. She brought us an orchid she had grown. As I understand it orchids are notoriously hard to cultivate. We took it home with us, but it died, because I have a brown thumb and Ex didn't care to make an attempt to keep it alive.

I was blamed for the death of the orchid - which was fair enough. But she held it against me.

Now she's dead. I know this because Ex's mother tracked down my mother to let me know that Granny had left me all of her gardening crap. It was actually specified as her greenhouse and it's contents. She must have written this will long ago and then forgotten. I know the bequest was meant to be spiteful, but as it turns out, I could be the proud owner of several varieties of rather valuable orchids and a lot of gardening equipment.

Obviously this made Ex livid. This is where the dickwaddery comes in. I think I should make it very clear that I do not want the fucking orchids or anything else from this woman. However, Ex has apparently told a few people (people who then turned around and told me) that he thought I'd been secretly in contact with Granny for years and had persuaded her to leave me her valuable orchids.

Um, what? So not just a dickwad, but a dense dickwad. Jesus Tapdancing Christ on a bed of Bibb lettuce (which, incidentally, my father did not pick, although there would be nothing wrong with it if he had)!

I have to say, some people really do the world a great service by leaving it.