He’s no stranger to controversy, but this year’s decision on the winner of hit BBC programme The Apprentice might be the strangest choice yet.

Lord Sugar, famous for his witty catchphrases and no-nonsense approach to business, has declared himself the winner of this year’s show.

‘I’m contractually obliged to give two-hundred and fifty thousand notes to someone, so it may as well be me,’ said the billionaire.

Young business hopefuls competed head to head for several months in order to win a large sum of money to be invested into their own business venture. But Lord Sugar, now well into his 90s, has had enough of their shit.

‘Every year it gets more stupid. The people we select talk enough rubbish to fill my entire office full of shit. Me and Karen don’t really get on either. Ever since I started asking if she was related to Ian. And I don’t know where Nick’s gone.’

The show, now broadcasting on BBC every Tuesday and Wednesday, is only into its second week, but the Foul Ent team were tipped off by an anonymous source at the BBC as to the final result.

‘Some of the business ideas we got this year were awful,’ said Lord Sugar from his London based office. ‘I keep most of them in the toilet in case I run out of bog roll. And what’s with all the quiffs on men this year? It’s dangerous to wear stupid hair cuts around someone as old as me. I keep thinking it’s the 70s.’

Alan, not content with just lashing out at men’s fashion sense this year, took to the ladies too.

‘Even Karen agrees that the women are getting uglier with each season. There’s only one of them that’s any decent, and even then it would take a couple of Britneys before I agree to nail her.’

Editors note: ‘Britneys’, we are led to believe, are lagers. Britney Spears, beers.

When asked what the two-hundred and fifty thousand pound would be invested into this year, Lord Sugar was reluctant to reveal much.

‘Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a phone or something? Or something for the gays. Yeah. A phone for bisexuals maybe. The Bi-phone. I’ll sell shit loads. Wanna buy an Amstrad?’

The Apprentice can be seen at 9pm on BBC1 every Tuesday and Wednesday until January.