15 Signs You’re NOT Over Him

Mending a broken heart can be such an ordeal — such a process. It can take so long, sometimes it’s easy to convince ourselves we’re over him just so we can start to feel better. Of course, the sad irony is that pretending we’re over him — over the broken heart — before we are, just makes the process of truly moving on that much longer. After the jump, 15 signs your broken heart hasn’t healed quite yet.

1. You keep remembering things you may have left at his place, like a few bobby pins or last year’s Anthropologie spring catalog and wonder if you should drop by and see if he still has them.

2. You consider it progress when you change your screen-saver from a picture of him to a picture of his cat.

3. You suddenly remember he’s listed as your emergency contact in your HR file at work, but you decide to leave it anyway.

4. You can’t bring yourself to erase the last voice mail message he left on your phone before you broke up even though all he says in it is that they didn’t have “Inception” at the video store and was there something else you wanted to watch.

5. You find an old shirt of his while organizing your closet and compliment yourself on not sleeping in it, but calling him instead to let him know you’ve found it if he wants it back.

6. You go on a huge cleaning binge, get your hair done and buy a new outfit in case he happens to drop by for the shirt.

7. You don’t hear from him about the shirt, so you email him in case he didn’t get your voice mail.

8. A few days later, you can’t believe he hasn’t gotten back to you, not even to thank you for letting him know about his shirt, so you send him another email and tell him you’ve taken his shirt to Goodwill and if he wants it back he’ll have to just figure out which Goodwill it’s at and pay for it again — if he can even find it.

9. You suddenly remember this is the exact time of year he goes on his annual retreat upstate where he disconnects phone and internet for a week to concentrate on “fueling his spirit.”

10. You quickly send off another email to him apologizing for giving his shirt away and offering to buy him a new one if he wants. You add a P.S. at the end: “Hope your spirit is feel full!!”

11. You kick yourself for the typo in your P.S. and vow never ever to email him again.

12. Ever!

13. You call your best friend and tell her you’re so totally over him and you’re ready to go out and meet someone new! Someone completely different from your ex because you don’t even know what you ever saw in him. I mean, an annual retreat to “refuel his spirit”?! Please!

14. You see the words “How to Get Him Back” on the cover of Cosmo in line at the grocery store and you buy a copy, even though you’re a 32 year-old lawyer who couldn’t name two of the “Sex and the City” girls if your life depended on it.

15. You start watching “Sex and the City” for the first time in your life and you related to all the characters.

“Every breath you take/Every move you make/Every bond you break/Every move you make/I’ll be watching you…”

16. You go to the Goodwill you donated the shirt to and buy it back…originally as an apology for being so crazy, but then you sleep in it and notice it still faintly smells like him and you cry for hours listening to “All By Myself” and finishing a bottle of Barefoot Merlot..the giant $10 one

I tend to agree with you, which worries me, because I still think about my ex and I have not seen him in over 2 years, have no spoken to him in over 1 year, and I am approaching my 1st anniversary with the most amazing boyfriend I’ve ever had whom I love dearly. But I still think about my ex, probably once a week, and I think about how much I hate his guts. Probably not healthy eh?

I think if you’re thinking about how much you hate him, it’s probably not THAT unhealthy! 🙂 I frequently think about my ex (who I’ve also been broken up with over 2 years) and say “Damn, he’s ugly, how did I date that??”

@MissDre, I mean, how long was the relationship? They say that it takes you 1/2 the length of the relationship to fully get over him. My ex and I broke up after 4 years together. I’ve got about 1 more year to go before I should be fully desensitized.

At the end of the day, we’re human. Little things will always drum up memories and emotions for us. I don’t think I’ll ever forget him, but it would be nice to one day just see a restaurant where we ate together and shrug my shoulders.

We had been together for a year and a half and had been talking about marriage and all that. It definitely sent me over the edge when he dumped me out of nowhere… I nearly lost my mind and I spend a lot of time with a psychologist to try and deal with it.

It’s kinda funny… I WAS over it… after about a year I had made peace with him and myself and wished him well… and then I found out that he had a baby. He got another girl pregnant within 2 months after he dumped me. And that just sent me right back to hating his guts.

Haha maybe. Did your guy tell you that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you and that he would love you forever…. and then break up with you less than a week later saying ‘I don’t love you anymore’? Oh and also ‘I’m too young to be so serious about someone’…. because getting another girl pregnant isn’t serious at all… What a douche nozzle… haha!

Well as much as I hate his guts, my life is like one billion times happier now!

Sort of…he convinced me that I needed to marry him so that we would get Army benefits and could afford to move to live together (LDR), and then he cheated on me the night before he was supposed to come visit me. Told me he loved me and wanted to work it out, and then less than 24 hours later changed his mind and left. Then dated the other girl. 6 months later told me he knocked up a different girl and was marrying her in three days.

Wow… and here I had fun and threw a divorce party and took some of his crappy Nazi memorabilia (the stuff that WASN’T worth anything) out and used it for target practice with a bunch of friends. The rest went on ebay as the “Ex-Husband Garage Sale” to recoup my losses of 4 moves in 6 months, two phone changes, a vehicle replacement (he took my name off of my vehicle and refused to give it back), and to help defray the costs of 8 years worth of child support he refuses to pay (not to mention the refusal to pay child support for his other three kids) and the medical bills he incurred and told the hospital that his “wife” would take care of. Plus the two near-arrests for “kidnapping” that he pulled after he found out that the divorce actually went through when he skipped the hearing, and when he found out he didn’t get custody. I’m still waiting for his next stunt when he finds out I’m having his parental rights terminated.

Not angry at all. Just wish I could stop moving every few years, stop paying to have my phone unlisted, stop being stalked constantly, stop having my identity used all the time, etc. He actually asked for a jail transfer when he beat he last ex-girlfriend when he found out that I was the admin in another city for the drug/alcohol counselor he was supposed to see in the prison. Claimed I was stalking HIM by being the supervisor for the counselor. I didn’t know about it until he made a complaint to the prison officials who complained to my supervisor because he recognized my name (it’s a common one) and signature on some paperwork. He has tried getting me fired from three different jobs (both federal and state) while we were married and divorcing. While in jail for trying to shoot me, he told the other prisoners he got special treatment because his wife worked at another prison. I nearly got fired for him running his mouth, even though I certainly wasn’t helping him get any special treatment. Between the four children he has (only one with me), he owes over $500,000 in back child support. Trust me, the only “anger” I have is the justified anger at the fact that he isn’t in jail right now, and that when he assaults another woman, he gets 3 days in jail and 18 months of probation in my state. That when I run for political office, he contacts ME demanding money to keep quiet or he’ll tell everyone about my “drug problem” (I smoked pot when I was 15) and when I refuse, he “sells” his “information” to my opponents. What I would like is reform, both on a statewide level and national level. We will never see it though. Our politicians are too gutless.

18. He dumps you the day after Christmas and you spend the night in your bed in your clothes holding the last gift he ever gave you, a chocolate Santa, only to wake up covered in melted chocolate and shame.

I got dumped the day after Christmas too. I spent New Years Eve crying in my little cousin’s room while my whole family was having a party. Sad… but I was so sure he was going to call me at midnight & when he didn’t, I lost it.

That New Year’s I got super drunk at my friend’s pajama party and cried when they played Shakira’s “She-Wolf” because my ex-boyfriend liked Akitas. I woke up at midnight face first on a twister mat wearing somebody else’s track shorts and a Gryffindor scarf. Right face red.

Aw I got dumped 2 days before Christmas. Then burst into tears when my mom’s friend innocently asked “So I hear you have a boyfriend…” at Christmas dinner.

And New Years was rough too. Drank an entire bottle of champange, cried, drunk texted my ex (I deleted his number from my phone but not from my brain). No good. I think the 2 weeks leading up to New Years should be off limits for dumping!

Ugh, getting over someone is The Worst. It took me 2 yrs to get over a guy I thought was the one. In retrospect, he wasn’t even that great to me during the relationship, and he was a complete a-hole to me during the break-up and everytime we’ve seen each other since. PS- I could totally relate to Carrie during all her Mr. Big break ups, minus all the fabulous footwear.

19. You still frequently check up on his social networking pages, and you have visceral reactions to what he and his friends post… like his friends say they like his new lady better and instead of saying “whatever” and shaking it off, you wax poetic on your blog about how screwed up they all are and how you should have never been polite to them because they were scum anyway and they obviously didn’t deserve your consideration…

…And you’re a complete and utter hypocrite because you’re all bitchy and pissed that your ex has a new girlfriend, but admitted over a month ago that you’re waking up next to a new dude who you’re newly “exclusive” with.

I’ll take Jessica’s stuff any day over those awful slideshows. What the hell would I want to see celebrities’ armpit hair?? Then again, I love personal blogs, especially when they’re a little trainwrecky.

I love “trainwrecky” personal blogs as much as the next girl, but my issue with the therapy session it’s become over the past few months is that it’s not their personal blogs. It’s still their job. They all have Twitters and Tumblrs and I’m sure a variety of other things where they can be as negative as they want.

Oh my god! Thank you! I swear to God if I see one more gallery in the vein of “17 1/2 Celebs Who Had Facial Hair Once And Shaved But Then Grew It Back” I’m personally going to fly to New York just for the pleasure of kicking Amelia in the lady-balls. Seriously, could we just declare “Hey guys, slow news week, we’re reaching here!” and have done?

Yeah I am definitely sick of The Frisky… I said the same thing a while ago… these ladies were writing very inspiring things about recognizing the mistakes they’ve made in the past and learning from them… and all of them, Jessica, Amelia, Dater X… they just THREW IT ALL OUT THE WINDOW the second they met a new guy. Jumped into bed with him, picked up the wine glass again, etc… and they go on to justify the same behaviour they had vowed to STOP by saying “this is just who I am and I’m proud of it…”

Seriously! Amelia’s list of new behaviors that she vowed to follow based on her personal experience, that she threw right out the window the day she met the new guy… what message does this send to women, and to the men reading about women? She vowed not to sleep with men right away, for very rational reasons, then slept with Mr. New ON THE FIRST DATE. A guy she JUST met ONCE. A virtual stranger. And I mean, I try not to judge- it’s her body after all, and I don’t think casual sex is immoral so long as everyone’s honest. But she was really *actively* looking for a serious relationship! Is she really that out of control and emotional with her own actions? I don’t know how women who seem so smart in some ways can act so recklessly. I do hope it works out for her, but reading those articles has sure taught me a lot about what rationalizing looks like.

Yes! Exactly. And there’s also so little introspection. Like “Why are creepers contacting me on my online dating profile when I display up front that I’m kinky??” Or “I wanted to dip my toe back into dating…and then slept over after the first date and felt weird about it…maybe I’m not ready?!?” It’s like they’re (and especially JW), SO puzzled as to why their actions have negative consequences, and they struggle so much to figure out why…when the answer is staring them in the face! Do not advertise sex up front if that’s not what you want to talk about! Do not sleep over one month after a breakup and wonder why it felt weird! Don’t get pissy that your ex has a new girlfriend when you’ve been blogging TO THE WORLD about how you’re exclusive with a new guy. Am I crazy?? Is it not as obvious as I think?…Ok, rant over. 🙂

It is as obvious as you think. When I read those articles I was like wth is wrong with you woman?!

About getting jealous when the ex gets a new gf/bf, it seems to be something pretty normal (?). A friend of mine got mad when her ex told her he was dating this girl, and she had been in a new relationship for a while by then! I also asked my bf about it and he admitted to getting a little jealous when he learnt his ex had a new bf (unlike JW and my friend though, he was still single)

I love all of you guys. I was totes thinking the same thing. Although that might make us mean girls…it’s true. Get over it already. I mean, I wonder if the editors are pushing her to write this stuff becauuse it gets traffic? At the end of the day, this can’t be great for her emotional healing or her self-esteem. How is she ever going to progress with New Dude if she is constantly writing about old dude?

I have no hard feelings for Jessica–lots of people make irrational choices when going through breakups–I just sincerely hope that a few months down the road she’ll find some clarity and write a reflective and introspective article called about how she could have handled the breakup more maturely/gracefully.

You’re a lot nicer than I can be. Thing is, I see irrational behavior in a lot more than what she writes about break-ups – Moving in with him after 3 months, claiming she was “suddenly broken up with” after he took off on a “vacation” without her for a month, after she found incriminating emails between him and another girl, the list goes on. I’m just not convinced that she’s very insightful at all, nor that she ever learns from her mistakes. It’s a shame, really, because I see so much thoughtful and insightful commentary on this forum, and think so many people here could do a better job and could really HELP women.

I go back and forth on my feelings about ripping on Jessica from “I should stop because she’s obviously not 100% right now” to “It feels like I’m punching a baby” to “OK, NOW she totally fucking deserves every insult and barb thrown at her”.

I’m counting on Jess seeing the light by around mid-August at the latest. I can’t blame her for acting/writing the way she is right now. I actually went through something similar several years ago and while it felt sudden at the time in retrospect it wasn’t… but the “suddenness” can really throw you for a loop and cause you to act a fool. For a good while.

And TF’s content has become stale to the point that I debate daily on submitting article pitches in an attempt to get something (anything!) refreshing back on that site. Sadly, my life has hit boredom ground zero, so I’m lacking material to pull from. Will someone PLEASE submit some new article pitches? 😉

It’s just…I have some tolerance for Amelia and DaterX, partly because neither of them has made an especially public show of it. Things change, and you do certain things in the name of self-growth and then maybe you realize setting a time limit isn’t practical. Whatever. But Jessica reminds me of a friend of mine – broke up with a serious boyfriend and within the span of a very few months had a new boyfriend and couldn’t understand why she and her ex were constantly fighting over the new guy. I wish I were exaggerating for comic effect. And like Jessica, each isolated incident was fairly rational and it was understandable in the moment, but then you step away and assess the bigger picture and go, “Wait! What in blue fuck are you doing? Why are you still in contact with this guy? Why are you dating already? And whywhywhy do you not see you’re not over him yet?” It’s nice to think you’re strong and smart and independent, and it’s nice to think the ex doesn’t hold that much sway, but if it’s true, you shouldn’t have to work so hard at proving it.

Some of the newer writers just SUCK altogether. I get to the end of an article and I’m like WTF??? Did that even have a point? Or WTF?? This is horribly written, who hired you?? Or WTF how stupid can you be? Ugh… But then again, I’m the idiot who keeps going back, hoping for some good content but never getting it… Ps I hate those effing slideshows too!

I know, I feel really silly now even hoping there’s any improvement. DaterX is gone, there’s a moderately decent Girl Talk maybe once a week, a really good one once a month, and while I like Guy Talk and Mind of Man (although John DeVore seems to be in a rather dark place at the moment), I sort of resent that the two most compelling writers are male. Right now it’s 90% slide shows and fashion (or ugh, fashion slide shows, the worst). And I never came to TF for the clothes.

Honestly it’s the rude comments on TF that are turning me off to the website and a lot of them are uncalled for. Ripping someone apart for their honesty and then turning around saying you didn’t feel another article was finished seems pretty hypocrytical. Not to mention the amount of whining about celebrity stories and bashing (even though the site specifically says celebrity gossip is included) but it’s ok for the comments to rip a certain celeb apart. Lately the comments have been a little too harsh and that was the reason I started going to TF because I got tired of reading trollish things on AOL and other websites. Unfortunately it seems they know where to find you.

I was with my ex for 8 years, then alone for 3. He was my first love, and he is a very good person and we broke up amicably. So for me, I don’t think I’ll ever totally be *over* him in terms of not caring at all about him or not being there if he ever should really need me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think of him and feel absolutely no emotion.

But over the course of 3 years, I did make a genuine peace with being without him. We’ve both moved on to new relationships. And now, almost a year into a wonderful relationship with a great, sensitive guy who I love very much, I feel that the greatest sign that I’m over my ex (by my definition) is that when something interesting happens to me, the first person I think of telling is my current boyfriend. And when I hear a sweet song or phrase, I think of my current boyfriend. He’s the one automatically on my mind now, without any conscious effort.

No, I wasn’t. Though people I know often inspire posts like these, I never write them for one person in particular — and certainly not people I like and respect. I’ve hurt friends’ feelings in the past when they’ve thought I’ve alluded to them in these sorts of posts, but I would never do that.