Things I Wanted to Say to Customers At Work But Couldn’t

I’m transferring over a blogpost I wrote last November from another blogsite – enjoy!

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I love my job. Let me make that clear right off the bat. I’ve worked retail since I was legally able to, and this current job I have is one awesome gig for me right now. I love working with people, I love ringing customers up and talking to them, and I love making our store look pretty. My coworkers rock, and my boss is seriously one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.

This past weekend, however, was a tough two days. My store had a big sale that brought in lots of customers. Like, ten times our usual daily amount. And let me tell you, while about 75% of the customers I had were just awesome, the other 25% really threw me. Apparently the holidays bring out the worst in people.

And so, without further ado, here are some of the comments that I had to deal with over the weekend (that were said in angry, condescending, snotty, and/or outright rude tones, by the way, and during crazy busy periods) and my responses that I would have loved to actually say in my moments of frustration:

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Customer as he/she comes to my register with a basket load of items: “I’m in a hurry.”

“Oh, you are? How inconvenient. Let me just move ten times faster than the speed of light to accommodate you. Oh wait – looks like I can’t do that. So sorry. Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part. You’ll wait or you’ll leave. Your choice.”

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t have any more of xyz? That’s ridiculous. I drove all the way from [insert distant land here] to get xyz.”

“Yes, because I am clearly responsible for the lack of that particular product in our store. Please continue to take out your frustration on me, by all means, while I try to answer the phone and check people out and look for other products all at the same time. Get on our freaking waiting list. Maybe you shouldn’t have waited till the last minute to get something that everyone in the entire city came to our store for.”

Customer: -throws coupons/money/products at me over the counter without saying a word-

“Wow. What kind of piece of crap do you think you are? How about you look up from your freaking phone for a second and hand that stuff to me like a decent human being, if you’re capable of doing that.”

Customer: “I just wish you had a better selection of xyz. I mean, what you found [i.e., what I just spent 20 minutes looking for] is okay, but it’s not perfect.”

“Make up your mind. Seriously. I don’t have time for this.”

Customer: “That’s so expensive! It seriously costs that much? You’ve got to be kidding me! That’s so ridiculous!”

Customer: “But I thought this coupon was for [a certain percentage] off. Why won’t you give me a discount? This is so stupid!”

“That’s not what the coupon says. I’m not giving you a discount because you misunderstood it. The terms and conditions are right there under your nose. Learn to read.”

Customer, after she has kept us waiting twenty minutes after we were supposed to be closed because she took her sweet time choosing what she wanted: “Oh, I have five coupons for you plus a coupon on my phone that was sent to my email and I’d like those ornaments individually wrapped and I’m going to give you $109.89 in exact change.”

“Okay, no. No no no and no. You can’t be serious. Oh, you are serious. Yeah, [coworker]? We’re not getting out of here for another hour.”

Creepy Ass Mother Effer Old Man Dude over the phone, after dealing with him for an hour in the store and after I told him I “felt” (i.e. understood) his frustration over a misunderstanding: “Well, I haven’t felt you, but that is beside the point.”

“What the actual living fuck.”

“Ewwwwww ewwww ewww freaking EWWWW.”

“I will be terminating this call now.”

“You gave me your address in the store. The police are on their way to your house now. Have a nice day.”