Why Some Men Run Hot and Cold

Today’s guest blog comes from insightful Relationship Coach Virginia Feingold Clark of YourTango – who warns us about the “hot and cold” guy!

If you’re in a relationship with a man who runs hot and cold you’ll be at his mercy unless you get a grip on yourself. Nothing will make you more crazy and desperate than a man who is playing hide n’ seek with your emotions.

The situation is classic. He starts to pull away, you become like a dog with a bone, unwilling to relinquish what you want. You search frantically for the man who was “hot” on you. He must still feel that way — he just doesn’t know it. So your problem becomes how to get him to pursue you like he did before. The trap is believing that there is something you have to make right and that you did something wrong that made him turn cold.

How to get a man to stop this behavior is not the question you should be asking. Rather, you need to understand why he is this way, and then maybe you’ll see that it’s not your mission to change him.

There are men who habitually run hot and cold, oblivious to the “passive aggressive” way they deal with women. It’s so much a part of them they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong or hurtful. As a result, they don’t feel the need to change.

But most hot and cold men are aware of what they’re doing. You can bet that they’ve acted this way before, that women have complained to them an abundance of times. You’re not the first and certainly won’t be the last.

Most of these men haven’t grown up, they’re just immature. They act like they’re still in grade school. They thrive on the challenge of wooing you until you fall for them, but as soon as they think they’ve got you, they get bored and move on. It doesn’t matter how fabulous, beautiful or smart you are, they still get bored because it’s not about you. It’s about the thrill of the chase and you are the prize for a moment or two.

Some hot and cold men may just not be ready for a fully committed relationship. He may like you a lot but be unable to decide if you’re “The One.” Rather than making a decision, it’s easier for him to string you along until he can know for certain. His ambivalence will bring out his hot and cold behavior since he is so indecisive.

The worst offenders are the men who use you for ego gratification. They actually get a thrill watching you suffer over their inconsistent and rude behavior. It makes them feel powerful to know they can treat you badly and then pick up the phone and still have you available whenever they want.

These men are full of pride. They relish the game of cat and mouse they’re playing with you. It gives them a sense of entitlement that they’ve mastered the art of being inconsistent and uncommitted. They love to watch a woman emotionally fall apart over their inconsiderate actions.

Changing these men is not in your job description. Your attempts will just make you lose your confidence and destroy your faith that there are any good men out there. The best thing you can do if you are with a hot and cold man is to cut him out of your life completely.

But beware: a man like this will be triggered by your rejection and turn hot on you again. He may not fully want you, but he also doesn’t want you to set the rules. In the end, you have to know that he’s not for you. He is emotionally unable to make the deep, intimate and life-long commitment you’re looking for.

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