Could you be any more awesome? Have you seen those pictures you took of the sun? You know, the ones with the massive prominence that was hundreds of times larger than the Earth? How mindblowing is that?

Damn this thread is tempting.
I had one all typed out and then deleted it in favor of this post because I just don't want to post things that are personal even in an "anonymous" way... it's the internet and all, you know?

Dear professor who keeps on telling me to get the assignment instructions off of the course web page, despite my repeated assertions that they aren't there:

They're not there. I promise.

I honestly have no idea what you want me to do...?

Sincerely,
Frustrated

Is it a custom site developed by the school? We use something called T-Square (based on Sakai) for posting homeworks and grades, and the students always complain that they can't see stuff on their computer, even though I definitely posted it. It's frustrating.

I bought you during a grand fit of whimsy. You arrived to great fanfare and excitement. Even my friend in Wisconsin couldn't wait to get pictures of you puttering about the offices, enraging the partnership and amusing my assistants. So why is it I am so ashamed to ask my local florist to fill you up to your inflated, silvery, four-full-feet of glory? Am I less of a man because I can't ask a woman to de-flaccidize my blimp?

So here you sit, three months later, limp and uninflated. You have now found a new use: a symbol for my deflated hopes for you. Every time I see a real blimp, I die a little inside.

Love,
zsummers

"How could you falter / when you're the Rock of Gibralter? / I had to get off the boat so I could walk on water. / This ain't no tall order. / This is nothing to me. / Difficult takes a day. / Impossible takes a week."

I promise you I am not trying to launder money by putting it into my down payment. I have provided you with far more detail on my financial background than seems reasonable, and yet you want more documentation.

I asked you 10 days ago what information you needed and in what formats. I then got it all to you in under 48 hours. So why, after these 10 days, does someone finally recall that you have a form letter for gifts that you failed to give me WHEN I ASKED?

If my loan falls through despite me proactively seeking your advice on proper procedures and documentation, we are going to have a problem. I acted on your advice and now you say I should have done things differently. Seriously? Fuck you and your incompetence.

"Bring in songs that are poetically significant" does not mean "bring in any song you happen to like." I've never heard so many songs that alll sound the same. There was Break-up Rock Song A and Predictable Patriotic Country Song B and that was it, for the last two hours. If you insist on bringing these same two songs to class on Monday, please, do us all a favor and just...euthanize yourselves.

Have an Orange Julius and don't forget that you live in the second-most beautiful state in the country. Stop freaking out about your classes and go stick your feet in the sand. You're smart and you're talented. Go have some fucking fun and stop worrying about every goddamn thing, fucking goddamn it.

I understand that you're excited to work on our nutella/banana/espresso dessert idea, be it a variation on brownies, pudding, or tiramisu, but we need all of those creative juices directed at writing this paper right now. Kemal and Füsun are not going to psychoanalyze themselves, you know.

If you'd for once stop imagining what our girlfriend would look like with a sprayed-on rubber body outfit you might succeed. I'm not worried in the least about my health, perv. Oh, and you like masturbating way too much. It's not healthy. You're going to break our penis if you're not careful.

Please stop tapping your brakes. Pushing and holding the brake for an average time of one second does not slow you down any significant amount, as shown by me not having to push the brake once while following you down that steep hill. The pouring rain certainly didn't require you to do so either, unless your true goal was to skid into the center divider and die in a fiery explosion. In which case you are also a failure. Moreover it annoys and angers the drivers behind you. Similarly, tapping the brake while turned around and digging for something in the rear foot-well doesn't reassure me of your driving skills either. I can only hope natural selection takes its course quickly, but until then; be vigilant for drivers looking to strangle you.

Please fix your website. I would very much like to register with you so I can register with the French embassy so I can register with the French consulate so I can get my visa. But, until you get your server problems straightened out, I can’t submit the form online.

Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...

Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...

I have classes. Classes I need to attend given that each summer session is only 5-6 weeks. I also have people I would like to do things with, and writing projects I would love to work on. You're ruining my life here.

I have classes. Classes I need to attend given that each summer session is only 5-6 weeks. I also have people I would like to do things with, and writing projects I would love to work on. You're ruining my life here.

Go die,

Capella

OMG, I know exactly how that goes. Since I just, um, dropped all my Spring classes after having a prolonged breakdown. Yeah.

So, while I'm the last person ever to give advice, and I wouldn't even if I could because having everyone cheerfully give you get-out-of-your-depression-now schemes is really annoying, I do hope you sort through it all.

That you actually *want* to hang out and do things is a good sign, I think. Hugz.

Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...

Impatiently,
Robo

Dear Robo,

The $9 next-day shipping was totally worth it.

Regards,
Alternate Universe Robo
(also, Brad)

PS. Given my current rate of progress as an expert Mario gamer, SMG2 still looks to be a solid multi-dozen-hour adventure.

Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyy are you taking so long to arrive? I get that Amazon didn't offer Release Day Delivery because that was a Sunday (grr), but they could have offered Day After Release Day Delivery. Or Day After Day After Release Day Delivery. Or...

Impatiently,
Robo

Dear Robo:

Do not go walk out into an ice field, bury yourself up to your neck and try to place yourself suspended animation to make the time before the release of SMG2 more tolerable. You must learn patience.