Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

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On fun sized advice

What do you do when your best friend is a home wrecker and a cheater?Pick better friends.

I love riding motorcycles but I feel tacky as hell wearing leather all the time, especially during summer. Advice?Sign your organ donor card.

Are you agnostic or an atheist?Yes.

Why does the future fill me with such dread and foreboding?Because you think the future actually exists.

If you had seven Horcruxes, what would they be?Grown-up books.

I recently graduated from college. Apparently it’s time for me to decide what to do with my life. Any suggestions?Plastics.

Sick of my friends, my job, my school, my city, my life. What to do?Volunteer at a burn unit.

I don’t want to live anymore.No, you don’t want to suffer anymore. There’s a big difference.

Why do all the young people act and look so bored?Why do all the old people constantly bitch about the young people?

I really enjoy my relationship but I’m having a hard time being faithful, especially when intoxicated. Is it that I’m just not ready for a commitment?No, it’s that you just don’t have any integrity.

My fiancé and I are moving into a new apartment. While packing, he discovered a box of stuff from past relationships, he kept all the love notes and little presents. Why?Because he’s sentimental, because everyone remembers fondly being loved, and because he’ll want to show your grandkids that he was a big pimp back in the day.

I’m having sex with my best friend and we’re falling for each other. Should I pull away to save the friendship or just go with the flow and potentially ruin the friendship?Don’t kid yourself. It’s already too late to pull away. Things are gonna get awkward the second you two start sleeping with other people, so you might as well go with the flow.

I’m a 22-year-old virgin with no real interest in sex or any kind of physical intimacy. Is there something wrong with me?Nope, you’re just asexual. Maybe it’s a phase. Maybe it’s just who you are. Either way, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Don’t be in such a hurry to judge yourself. You’re fine.

I have a criminal record. It’s a felony charge for possession of a usable amount of marijuana. Is there any way for me to not be automatically dismissed from career opportunities? Or should I just bring you the drink menu?Hire a lawyer and get the conviction expunged. It’s absolutely ridiculous that you’re forced to call yourself a criminal for possession of a plant.