Thursday, December 22, 2011

Watching it go up in smoke...

Well, Christmas is two days away, and honestly, it couldn't feel less like the holidays around here. I'm pretty much hating that other people are happy and joyful right now, and I'm hating myself for not being able to make it all ok for my kids. I hate that they may look back at this Christmas and remember nothing but SUCK!!!What had happened was...My husband has had a bad back for most of our relationship. His back will go out, and then it will get better. That is just the way it has been for the last 11 years or so. So, when his back went out this summer I really didn't get too concerned. The problem is that his back is still 'out' and it has been about 5 months.Right before Thanksgiving, her decided to cash in his 3 months of short term disability to focus on physical therapy and try to get better. One of the great things about his job, and there are many great things, is the fabulous benefits. He gets 3 months of fully paid leave, then his pay goes down to 65%. The 65% thing is scary, but we could manage it for awhile...He has seen SEVERAL doctors, neurologist, neurosurgeons, orthopedic surgeons and now a pain management Dr. and they have almost all said the same thing, patience and physical therapy. We recently went to a Dr. who is recommending ALIF surgery, also known as spinal fusion, on the two 'bad' discs he has. This is major scary surgery and we've had a 2nd opinion with a Dr. who thinks he should wait it out a bit, but my husband is fixated. He is thinking this surgery is going to 'fix' him. This is despite the fact that both the first opinion and 2nd opinion are telling him that there is no way to tell if it will be the fix or not. We don't even know if the insurance would pay for it, so it is possible that it may NEVER happen anyway...The real problem is...My husband is not working. There is also no way to predict when he will be able to get back to work. His job is only guaranteed for 6 months, after that they do not have to give him his spot back. If he continues with the PT he can go back as soon as he feels good enough. If he has the surgery it is at least a 3 month recoup. period. His drop dead date is May 11th. which seems so far off, but really it isn't. It is ironic because he found out he had the job on March 11. He began on April 11th, so it just seems appropriate that he could lose the job on May 11th. Here's the thing...He LOVES his job. It really defines him in a lot of ways. I cannot even make myself imagine him without it for sooooooo many reasons. First of all he makes good money. Money we depend on, money we have based major life decisions on money we NEED to get by. I know money isn't everything, but it is definitely something!!!! And the benefits, he could have comparable benefits if he stays in the same industry, but it scares me shitless to think we could lose everything this company does for our lives. I mean we pay $120/month for awesome health insurance for the entire family, who gets that???? It is a shift work job, but that really works for our family. My husband has so much more time with the kids than he would otherwise. He is so close with our 4 year old because they spend all his off days together, he's off 6 months out of the year... He's almost always available to go to their school or to get them in the afternoon, etc. etc. There are drawbacks to the shift work, but for us, the benefits far outweigh them.When it comes down to it, I know that no job is more important than his health and happiness. I get that. I want him to feel good and be capable of the life he wants more than anything else, BUT I am SCARED. I am scared that we depend on his back to support us because I make less than half of what he makes, and now we may lose everything. There is no plan B. I can't stop crying and stressing and worrying. I watch his every move to see if he looks better or worse. I study his facial expression for any sign of hope that he is improving and on the days he isn't I can hardly take it. When I am clear headed I can rationalize that even if he loses this job, he is still very capable of finding another good one where he will be happy, assuming that he gets better...BUT what if he never gets better? Then what?

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About Me

I'm a mom, a teacher, a doctoral student, and a super awesome wife. I tell people that I'm a runner, but in reality I'm more of a sitter. I'm cynical, which really means that I'm just practical. I'm not a very good blogger, yet here you are!