Vol I No 4 Autumn 1980 Beginning in this issue, Educaring will run a regular advice column of letters and responses between readers and Magda Gerber, the Director of Resources for Infant Educarers.

Dear Magda,

Ever since reading your manual, I feel much more confident in handling many situations with my child. But when something unexpected happens I would like to be able to ask your advice—like the other day when my child was biting me. Could you start a "Dear Abby" column in Educaring? Of course, I want the answers right here and now and not to have to wait three or four months until the next issue comes out. Any solutions?

Dear Parent,

The problems during infancy indeed change so fast that even monthly advice would come too late. Yet in reading the many letters which I receive which have specific questions, I believe it would be helpful to discuss them.

The answer is seldom a simple formula. The simple "do this" answer functions like a "fire extinguisher." Regardless of whether it works or does not work in a particular situation, it usually does not contribute to long term goals such as: a better relationship, a more peaceful living together. It means only surviving one crisis after another. If the goal is to prevent crisis, then you have to learn a whole new attitude, a whole new way of understanding your child, yourself, and the conflictual situation. I hope that even if your child is not a biter, a poor eater, etc., you may learn something from reading about these problems.

Dear Magda, I often feel insecure because I am unsure whether what I am doing with my child is right or wrong. What can I do to help my baby feel secure, self-confident, and relaxed?

Dear Parent,

The issue of what makes a person feel secure would deserve at least a book. All of us experience self-confidence under some circumstances and fear and doubt under others. Security comes from believing either that I can handle the situation I am in (self-trust) or that in some way the situation will be taken care of (trust in the environment).

Infancy is a time of great dependence. Nevertheless babies should be allowed to do things for themselves from the very beginning. Here are some examples of what I mean:

—Mother places her nipple on baby's cheek. The rooting reflex moves baby's head towards the breast.

—Father looks at baby with outstretched arms and asks: "Do you want to be picked up?" Baby is given time to make a choice.

—A five-month-old boy reaches for a doll. He wriggles his body closer to it and finally is able to reach it.

Had the mother thrust the breast into the child's mouth, had the father picked up the child regardless of the child's reaction, or had the parent given the doll or ball to the infant, these children would have been deprived of trying to handle the situation, learning by doing, and experiencing the joy of mastery.

Trust your baby's competence: she wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. You also know that your child does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. We can look at life as a continuation of conflicts or problems. The more often we have mastered a minute difficulty, the more capable we feel the next time.

Magda Gerber's wishes for babies and parents, as told to Cara Wilson, and originally published in a newsletter for parents called AFTER BIRTH, circa 1975. It's amazing to me how relevant these wishes remain almost forty years later.

My wishes for children: I wish they could grow according to their natural pace, sleep when sleepy, eat when hungry, cry when upset, play and grow without being unnecessarily interrupted. To be allowed to grow and blossom as each was meant to be, not molded or shoved into some mode of faddism that confines like a violin case.

I wish children would NOT have to do: 1) Perform for their parents; sit up when ready for rolling, walk when ready for crawling. A child can be pushed to do these things, but physiologically may not be really ready. In our culture we push to attain these states faster than they should be reached. 2) I wish children would not have to reassure their parents of their effectiveness; i.e. smile when frustrated, clap hands when sleepy- "If my child smiles at me, this shows I am a good parent." 3) Not be ping-pong balls between parents. 4) Not be experimental subjects for toy manufactures, cereal makers, new fads or theories in child care.

Please parents, this next holiday season, don't succumb to the pressure of buying expensive, complex toys designed to be used in certain ways. They rarely give children opportunities to explore and use them in their own way. Toys designed to entertain create passive on-lookers, future T.V. addicts, rather than curious, actively learning children. Pressures from commercials are especially strong at the holiday time of year. So think. Think of the many children who are lost and bored unless entertained and who keep asking, "What shall I do now?"

And my last wish for children would be that they could communicate to their parents: Please let me grow as I be, And try to understand why I want to grow like me, Not like my mother wants to me to be,Not like my father hopes I'll be,Or like my teacher thinks I should be,Please understand and help me growJust like ME!

"We learn from infants. Infants are just as competent as they need to be at any age."

For parents, I wish a lot of things too. I wish they would: 1) Feel secure, but not rigid. 2) Be accepting, but set limits. 3) Be available, but not intruding. 4) Be patient, but "true to thine own self." 5) Be realistic, but consistent in their expectations. 6) Have the wisdom to resist new fads. 7) Achieve a balance between giving quality time to their children and to themselves. 8) Achieve a state of self-respect and give equal respect to their children.

And I have a special wish for fathers too. I wish that fathers could assume a new role of fatherhood based on human relationship rather than believing that being warm and gentle is not "manly" or that a father is expected to be tough- to throw the children into the air, or blow cigarette smoke in their faces (yes, I have seen this done "playfully"). Rough-housing not only scares babies, but sometimes causes brain damage. What I'm saying is that playful pummeling is okay as long as it's not forced by the father and hard on the child. I would like fathers to not be afraid to be themselves, to know that just because they are men, being "macho" is not really expected of them. They can be tender and soothing and quiet and still be "manly."

And you know what I wish above all else? That we don't lose sight of laughter. That through all of the pain we might see and feel around us, we maintain our sense of humor. People who take life too seriously are terrible to live with! Amen!

Mothers Change Diapers, Not TheoriesChanging a baby's diaper has always (excuse the expression) ranked right up there with following a garbage truck too closely. It wasn't something a mother refused to do, but she didn't put it on her resume either.Now an authority on children has suggested if a mother hurries through the job and treats it as a distasteful chore, her attitude could send a negative message to her baby. She says mothers are foolish to waste all that valuable time when they could use it as an opportunity to verbalize with their babies and involve them in the entire process.You should never scoop the baby up from behind without warning and start to remove his diaper, she says, but should greet him and say, "You are having such a good time with your rubber giraffe, but I'd like to pick you up and change you. Is that all right with you?"This should be followed by eye contact and more dialogue asking for the baby's complete attention and the mother's undying ecstasy throughout the process.

I don't care what anyone says about laying the foundation for a child's positive self-image ... unless the kid can roll up his own diaper and hook-shot it into a garbage can and put a lid on it, I don't see how we have anything to talk about.Besides, it's a two-way street. What's to prevent a kid from verbalizing over a diaper change, "Snap it up, frozen fingers, and give me my rubber giraffe back or I'm going to dilute the paint on your newly painted ceiling."There are a couple of things wrong with this theory. Assuming a mother talked herself into using this time as a celebration of plumbing, what happens when the kids meet other people? No one loves a baby who makes your eyes water, and kids better get used to rejection. It is a lesson that is either learned early or haunts them when you threaten them with a hole in their folding chair at graduation.

Surprise is one of the best things a mother has going for her. Many's the time I've swooped down on a child with a red face like a bald eagle and deposited him, diaper and all, on the bathroom throne just because he "looked" like he was going to "make disgusting."For centuries, mothers have carved a niche for themselves as world-class martyrs because of their devotion to dry diapers. It is one of the few things we do that fathers are awed by.Frankly, I resent the fact that someone would think I could diaper babies all those years and not have some rapport with them. There wasn't a time when I did not lean over and whisper in their little ears, "You owe me big for this for the rest of your life. Wet again and the giraffe dies."

(This column was published on Thursday, June 18, 1987 in the Los Angeles Times. Photo credit: TS & EF on flickr )

Magda Gerber

Magda's response to Erma's column:

July 14, 1987Erma Bombeck c/o Los Angeles Times Times Mirror Square Los Angeles, California"Erma Dearest",Please don't kill the giraffe! The giraffe is innocent.If you must- kill the "authority" (name and address included), though she may have already suffered a close-to-fatal ego burst from being quoted by her favorite humorist, Erma Bombeck.Feeling rejected is in the mind of the 'rejectee', a healthy dose of "undying ecstasy" could immunize one against all rejections to come.

To enhance our mothers' "undying ecstasy" the same "authority" also advises them to get their daily doseof Erma Bombeck humor. (Who do you read for a boost?) Smilingly,Magda GerberP.S. To make you laugh even more, I am sending you our Manual -- more of the same giraffe stories....

Erma Bombeck

And Erma's response to Magda:

July 30, 1987Dear Magda:Thank God there is someone out there whose humor has remained intact.I respect what you do and I'm delighted you respect what I do. It's people like you who try to make it a better world, and it's people like me who try to shoot holes in it while it's airborne. I was kidding about the giraffe.Thanks for your letter and your manual.