Your Guide to Selling Your Home

With all the Olympics commotion, thousands of would-be sellers have taken their eye of the ball. The number of houses I’ve seen recently that lack a small amount of time and effort that could earn them maximum return when marketing their house. I’ve been in the game now for over 3 years now, so I thought I would let you all know a couple of the secrets in how to have buyers lining up outside your door literally offering you their barely-legal daughters just to sweeten the deal. For legal reasons, never go down that route.

Basements:
If there's cash in the attic there's gold in the basement! Basements are a great way to add value to the house. I’ve known some people to even create these them, one person did a very good job, it was a really sturdy and secure place – so if you wanted to hide something down there, intruders, guests or even family would never know it was ever there. When showing people round your house, this is a feature you will want to show off to anyone with crap facial hair – in most cases, this will be a moustache.

Racist Neighbours:
You can easily spot a racist neighbour by the fact that they’ll have a smog-covered England flag at the end of the garden, above a dilapidated garden shed. They will also have an abundance of tat in their garden, predominantly upturned and discoloured white plastic chairs and a garden pool that is split at one end and has a silty puddle at the other. Racist Neighbours can wipe a substantial amount off the value of your house – the best way to avoid any unwarranted comments when showing ‘them foreigners’ around your house is to arrange the viewing during a major football match and when Racist Neighbours are distracted. However, the bliss period (or as I like to call it, the eye of the storm) throughout the match does deteriorate sharply once the match is over, so make sure you are prompt with timings.

Hull:
One of the biggest detrimental factors to house prices. Recent studies have shown that by moving your house only 50miles away from Hull can double the price of the house. Ideally, try to move your house to somewhere in Surrey – if you’re not able to able to do this, make sure your marketing material states “only a drive from Cambridge” and instead of saying Hull, state “a developing ever popular York suburb”. It’s not a bad idea to show them a house in Harrogate that is similar to yours, for “indicative purposes”.

Garden features:
These can be a real deal breaker with a lot of properties. You can really tell a house by what they have done to fill the garden. Your first port of call is a hilarious garden gnome – your viewers will be in stitches when they see it. Then, make sure you have a classy water feature that cries out “new money” and does not look gaudy or wasteful in the slightest. A couple of goldfish will really bring it to life too. People don’t like grass any more either – the best thing to do is put down a pebbles everywhere.

Estate Agents:
You don’t have to lie to sell your house, because Estate Agents are more than willing to do that, without even being prompted! Tell them ambiguous things about the house, such as “this style of house is often great for converting the attic” (even if it’s a flat) or mention about how houses on this street who have planning permission granted, and he’ll be telling prospective buyers the house will likely be given planning permission to be converted into a multi-million pound shopping mall if they wanted to. Remember, it’s best to go in triple the amount you are willing to accept, just in case you get away with it. Avoid Phil Spencer, he’s a bit too wet to get you a good price and make you uncomfortable by putting his face too close to yours, Kirstie Allsop is much preferred for her bullish and beefish character.

It’s so simple to sell your house if you just follow those easy steps. If in doubt, just think of my motto “if it’s too good to be true, there’s money to be made out of someone!”

Definitely right about avoiding Phil Spencer (and Kevin McCloud for that matter). Every episode of Location Location Location or Grand Designs that I've ever seen seems to involve a young couple where the girl is with child by the end of the program. As far as I can see the only common denominator is Phil or Kev. Makes you think eh?