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Smelt Open for Biz in WOPP

If artisan pizza brought to a full city roast with Miasma smelt fresh-plucked from Spotter’s Field is your thing, The Smelt is right up your alley.

Founded by Joust and Hickum Bellamy, The Smelt opened for business this weekend in the burgeoning WOPP to a line of hipperoos that stretched halfway down Iris Street. Iris Street, as you may remember, was returned to its former name with the other numbered streets West of Pencil Place (WOPP) in an effort to foster a sense of community and placate market-conscious developers who donated $50,000 in non-traceable bills to Mayor Ornery’s re-election campaign.

After a two hour wait this reporter was lucky enough to get one of the few wooden crates available for seating, a peek at the low-yield nuclear oven, and a small cardboard lap tray that doubled as a menu. But that menu made it all worthwhile.

The Inferno – A Neapolitan pie piled high with generous gobs of fisher milk cheese and romanesco, charred to a crisp and served with a jigger of cruelty-free water.

The Conflagration – A fusion of sriracha and benzine-marinated dulse give this pie its flavorful kick. Add South Hormel chorizo, benadryl and a miserly helping of siaga antelope cheese and you’ve got the makings of a true legend.

The Purgatory – A Sicilian masterpiece with free-harvest chillies, pre-spill Tanwater asparagus and locally-owned yardlong incinerated to a molten 5,000 degrees and smothered with a dollop of Eunice cheese.

Side dishes include barnacles, lightly charred and tossed on a bed of milkweed with an elm vinaigrette made from the last known elm tree, and pest-sensitive cassava fries made with non-invasive yew tree oil. And of course, a bottomless pot of Postum with every meal.

If you’re looking for a eclectic – some might say overpriced and senselessly chaotic – culinary experience, look no further than The Smelt. It may be small, but it’s truly a grand addition to Flubug’s bucolic offerings. And another boost for the WOPP District.

But bring your wallet. Pizzas start at $60.00 with signature pies going for as much as a $125.00 during impromptu auctions.