(Closed) He says he wants to spend his life with me; how should I bring up marriage?

Forgive me for asking for advice while being so new here, but I’ve been reading this board for a while, and am enjoying the thoughtful advice that comes out of many of the posts.

So, here is my story- it’s a fairly well known one by now, apologies if it’s redundant. I met the love of my life a little over a year ago. We started out long distance, and within a few months, he made the decision to invite me to live with him. It was a great decision for us, and we’ve been happy ever since- we’ve learned more about each other, I received way more job interviews, and eventually found a job in my field that I love.

We communicate wonderfully, and have talked about and agreed upon our goals for the future. Well, save for one. We have not once really discussed marriage. Now, it wasn’t on my mind at all until he began talk of ‘growing old together,’ and ‘for better or for worse.’ It’s turned out to be a touchy subject for him.

People constantly ask if we are married, and he answers ‘not yet.’ Admittedly, I have been a coward about bringing it up, even in opportune moments. The one time I gathered enough courage to blurt it out, it was done after I danced around the subject, and tried to hide behind wondering if our relationship is really going to last, and if he really loved me as much as he claimed to. At that point, I was in tears, he was on the defensive wondering why on earth I was suddenly so distrustful, so when I finally brought up marriage, he replied that he wasn’t sure he believed in it, and that if I couldn’t trust him, we shouldn’t be talking about it anyway.

Even though he was right, I was crushed. However, the next day, he sat down and talked about our future, and told me that he didn’t know where we would be living or what we would be doing, but that we’d be together. He even said ‘we could be married.’ Since then, he seems to bring up marriage and our friends’ weddings on a daily basis.

I’ve dropped the subject since that night, and I plan on doing so for some time. I have no desire to push him about the matter, and when the time comes, I want him to be as enthusiastic about it as I am. I want to make it clear to him that I don’t see it as a need to validate, prove, or justify our relationship, but to celebrate what we have. I think I owe it to him to give him a chance to tell me how he feels about it without my sadness and fear.

So, how do I go about this? I have been reading everything I can about marriage, and evaluating why it is important to me. But how does one explain this to someone who might not believe in marriage at all? How do I argue against ‘what’s wrong with what we have?’ I have no intention of nagging, but I feel like it’s a legitimate thing for a devoted couple to talk about. I was thinking of waiting until later next year, and have a well thought-out, articulate conversation. Should I do it sooner though, since it’s on my mind?

@Berkana: What are you wanting to bring up? The fact that you aren’t engaged yet? From what you say it seems like this guy WANTS to marry you, and that he brings that up often. It shouldn’t be too hard to get that ball rolling the next time he does.

@MissHoneyBun you’re right, it does sound like he wants to, doesn’t it? At first, I just kind of thought it was a good sign that he will talk about it on his own, but next time I think I will give him a nudge into talking about us. It’s just the way he reacted to the one time I brought up that worried me, but it was kind of unfair on my part. And I overanalyze everything.

I honestly think you are in a great position. Your SO openly talks about being married and maybe he is just waiting for you to get on board. I remember the first time my FI expressed his commitment to me, and I expressed that I felt the same way. If you don’t want to bring the subject up, next time your SO talks about marriage don’t hesitate to express your feelings. I honestly think you are in a good position. Two years ago my FI expressed his commitment to me, this past Thanksgiving he proposed. Good Luck

It sounds like when he says something like “i’m not sure I believe in Marriage” and “i’m not sure you trust me”, that’s your opportunity to say “what makes you think this?” and simply say “you know, we need to talk. You are so confusing–one minute you’re talking about marriage and another minute you’re saying you aren’t sure you believe in it. WHICH is it?”

Maybe he’s just playing games and trying to throw you off–in my opinion, a man who talks about marriage is just begging to have that conversation. Maybe it’s just a discussion you need to have in order to figure out what his fears are

“We communicate wonderfully, and have talked about and agreed upon our goals for the future. Well, save for one. We have not once really discussed marriage.”

If you haven’t discussed marriage, you don’t communicate “wonderfully”. Sit him down (once you have decided what/when you want with regards to marriage), and ask him what his thoughts are, and why. The why is very important.

I had a very similar problem when I was waiting. My DH (SO at the time) didn’t know if he ever wanted to get married, but at the same time knew he wanted to be with me forever. He got mad, it was also a touchy subject for him whenever I brought up getting engaged. He just thought any mention of it from me was pressure or some kind of manipulation, so it was really hard for us to communicate about this subject.

Finally I realized I had to do some serious thinking and understand WHY it was important to me and what exactly my time frame was. First of all I realized I was uncomfortable with the fact that we were getting really serious, but DH still didn’t know if he ever wanted marriage, when I knew for sure that’s what I wanted. So I knew that was something we needed to clear up and fast. Second, I thought about all the reasons WHY I wanted to get married and when I needed it to happen before I would start wanting to end the realtionship. I thought about all this a lot and talked to DH again, him fighting it the whole time, but I made myself heard.

Women look at marriage totally differently than men. Men have no pressure whatsoever to get married. Women are looked at as failures almost if we aren’t married. So there’s a lot of social pressure to do it. That was actually one of my reasons why it was so important as crazy as it sounds. The fact that I wanted society to feel validated about our commitment to each other and so I could be spared all the comments and social pressure. Finances was another reason, we were splitting everything down the middle, but it was so awkward every month when we had to figure it all out or if we were out at dinner and had the waitress split it between our two cards. I wanted to be legal so that we could have joint accounts without worrying about one of us walking away. And the most important reason for me was so that I felt more comfortable in our relationship. The fact that DH would be willing to say vows in front of all our friends and family would really bring our relationship to the next level and I wouldn’t have any doubts whatsoever about his level of commitment. Just dating without the legal marriage documents, anyone can walk away and there is more susseptability to temptation in general since it’s easier to leave the union. AFter going through that big step together and treating our relationship as a marriage instead of a long term boyfriend/girlfriend setup actually makes us see each other differently and treat the relationship with more respect.

And I didn’t see why anyone would need more than 1.5 or two years to decide this for sure about another person, especially people who had graduated college had been working for several years totally self supporting and in their late 20’s. I told him that was my timeframe and I held to it. Could I have waited longer? I don’t think so. I was so adament about him making up his mind that every day was absolute torture until I had that ring on my finger. I wasn’t happy and I actually was willing to end everything if he didn’t propose.

@7mom: Thank you! Wow, that makes me feel pretty good about my situation. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not sure about how *I* feel about the subject.

@ejs4y8: For certain. I’d love to give him a chance to really talk about what his fears are. If he really is begging to have such a conversation, I feel bad for throwing him off. It does seem to me that if he really wasn’t into the idea, he wouldn’t mention it so darn much!

@sassy411: I wonder about that myself. It was a tough decision- we were long distance; I was having little luck with job interviews in the area. We’ve lived together six months, it’s worked out beautifully, and I did manage to find a job. I don’t know enough about how he feels to figure out if it’s slowing things down or not, but I have considered getting my own place. He’s supportive of whatever living arrangement I decide on.

In short: I need to calm down, and start voicing my thoughts on marriage when he brings it up!

I had this conversation with my fiance last year. After some beating around the bush, I decided it was important enough (and I was hitting my mid to late twenties) to bite the bullet and deal with any repercussions that happened.

I basically explained how I felt, my fears, and what he would like to do as well as his feelings. We had a very honest discussion about getting engaged after his sibling’s wedding and likely after I began school.

It was a long process, and wasn’t the typical “romantic” gesture, but in the end we did what was right for us and were open and honest about what was required to make the relationship work.

I think people get into trouble when they *don’t* talk and just assume. I often times tell people who worry that they can alleviate the stress by just getting an answer – whether it be an answer about medical tests, their boss’s opinion of their work, or the direction of their relationships. This is usually the best thing to do because you don’t waste time being stressed or unsure. 🙂

@moderndaisy: That really does sound exactly like my situation. I’m in the process now of figuring out why it really is important to me, and how I’m going to say it without backing him into a corner, or making him feel manipulated. I think a lot of guys tend to react strongly when they feel like they are being pressured. I haven’t brought it up but once, and it as under pretty bad circumstances. I am not sure if we would fight it, or what he would do. Really, I just need to sit him down and ask him what his thoughts are, as @crayfish: said. Thanks for your thoughtful advice!

@Berkana:I want to make it clear to him that I don’t see it as a need to validate, prove, or justify our relationship, but to celebrate what we have.

Why not? I would. First of all, while I think you’re smart to let it lie for now (particularly since he’s bringing it up on his own), I don’t think you should have to be fearful or apologetic about clearly expressing that this is what you want and its important to you. Its not fair of him to make you out to be distrustful or not believe in your relationship because you want marriage.

I really don’t buy into the logic that two people are committed when one won’t formalize that commitment with marriage. Living together is not the same as being married. Being a boy or girlfriend is not the same as being a husband or wife. Its just not.

Anyway, here’s a nice article that might help you put it into perspective. Good luck.

@lisa105: I actually really disagree with that article. The first two reasons are basically for how others perceive you and or your relationship. To me personally, that is not a reason to get married. Reason 3 I can understand. Reason 4 doesn’t make any sense. So if you elope or have a very small wedding does it not count as much? And reason 5 is also also just ridiculous. I am sure there are some families who feel that way, but not all. My boyfriends family is my family. And my family does consider my boyfriend their son/brother.

I also really disagree with your comment that people aren’t committed without being married. Maybe you felt that way before your wedding, but not all people do. I am committed now, and will be when we get married.

To the OP, it’s probably a good idea to drop it for a little while. If he brings it up all the time then hes abviously willing to talk about it.

@Bostongrl25: Like it or not, your family, friends and society in general perceive married couples differently than they do boyfriends and girlfriends – even those that live-in. They do because ostensibly you do if you’ve taken the step to be married. Marriage carries more weight in our society. We place value in it.

No, eloping doesn’t mean your marriage means less – you’ve still declared to one another and the world that you are committed to one another and want to spend your lives together. No other declaration, regardless of how heartfelt carries the same weight.

I didn’t say people couldn’t have any commitment except marriage. I was committed to my husband before marriage but marriage was the emotional and logical next step to express and live that commitment in a real and concrete way. It was the culmination and expression of our commitment to each other and the world.