Real Housewives of New York: Reunioning, you’re doing it wrong

HOLLA! We’re almost done with this season of The Real Housewives of New York, all that’s left is the traditional picking at scabs ritual known as the Two-hour Reunion Special. (I suppose we should count ourselves lucky as RHONJ is a Three-hour Reunion Special and I’m not convinced someone won’t go to jail over there before it’s all said and done.)

Andy Cohen greets the ladies with compliments on some (but pointedly not all) of their outfits, and begins the evening asking Heather if she regrets using the now famous “holla!” Nope! Not at all! It’s “organic” and “fun,” Heather explains.

The ladies on the Old Timers’ Couch — Ramona, Sonja and The Countess — have no idea what a “holla” even is, and so Heather, rather hilariously, explains that it’s a “street” word.

Holla, Tracy.

Andy Cohen then asks the Old Timers what they thought when they discovered that the cast was going to undergo a major overhaul:

Ramona: Shocked!

Sonja: Worried!

The Countess: Pleased Sad. : (

Andy Cohen notes that the season began with the ladies being nice enough to one another, but by the end, Aviva and Ramona weren’t speaking. Have they spoken since Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill’s book’s baby shower? Nope! Has Ramona given Aviva her much-desired apology? I’M SORRY, ANDY COHEN, I COULDN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE OTHER TWO APOLOGIES I’VE ALREADY EXTENDED TO HER, replies Ramona.

Andy Cohen turns his attention onto Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill, and wonders why such a fancy war/Kardashian journalist princess like her would be on a show like this. INDEED. WHY? WE ARE ALL EARS. Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill explains that the idea of joining a cultural spectacle like a Real Housewives franchise appealed to the journalist in her, before adding that being on the show is her “guilty pleasure.” Like it was an ice cream sandwich or Phil Collins. I guess when you’re a princess, guilty pleasures are going to be a little more.

Andy Cohen introduces the “royal war” montage, pitting Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill and The Countess against one another, back when The Countess still had something to do on the show. Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill is annoyed by The Countess’s fake accent; Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill is annoyed by The Countess’s constant one-upmanship; Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill is annoyed by The Countess’s lack of political correctness; Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill is annoyed with The Countess’s presumption with Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill’s designer friends. So many things Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill finds annoying about The Countess!

The Countess immediately pounces, complaining that Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill is always talking behind The Countess’s back which is NOT how the princesses she knows comport themselves, darling. Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill notes that she actually did have a sense of humor most of this, with the exception being the politically incorrect war whooping everyone was doing at the one dinner. However, Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill is not dumb enough to think that The Countess is just that offensive, and knows that she was doing it because it was getting a rise out of Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill. Yep! agrees The Countess. I was!

The conversation derails, however, on the topic of Ranjana and Naeem. According to both parties, The Countess began calling Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill looking for a way back into Ranjana and Naeem’s store to buy some earrings wholesale. Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill found this tacky and inappropriate behavior, especially for a countess, and tried to ignore her. However, The Countess went ahead to Ranjana and Naeem’s studio armed with an issue of Life & Style Magazine and after some tequila shots, she was all, “Oh you know what would be fabulous would be if I wore one of your dresses for Life & Style Magazine, you should give me your dresses, ¡salud!” When Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill heard this story, she clutched her pearls and had Ranjana had to wave smelling salts waved under her nose because, HOW GAUCHE.

The Countess makes a few snide comments about Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill’s racks and racks of clothes, and accuses Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill of using Naeem for dresses (a point that Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill denies, despite wearing one of his dresses in the finale episode — which, to be fair, she certainly could afford to have purchased). The Countess then pouts about Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill’s rather nasty aside about how Naeem’s clothes are worn by Michelle Obama WHO WEARS J. CREW, and therefore The Countess is not good enough for them. (When, really, Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill’s point was when Naeem has the First Lady wearing his dresses, he doesn’t need a two-bit reality star to do publicity for him, BUT SURE, COUNTESS, BE OFFENDED.)

Andy Cohen interjects to ask Heather what she thinks the proper “borrow (take?) a fancy dress for free” etiquette is here. Heather notes that it actually is a little bit of a pain to deal with people who ask to wear a designer’s dress, that there’s more to the business than just, “Hey, I’m going to be on a mid-market magazine cover at some point in time, I should wear your dress because that will get you exactly the kind of exposure you are looking for!” Heather attempts to not be the bad guy by adding that she’s not judging The Countess’s behavior here, she just is making a judgment call on The Countess’s behavior.

A “viewer” (The Countess’s daughter, Whatshername) asks Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill why she talked so much smack about The Countess in the interviews? Why not tell The Countess to her giant manface just how Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill feels about her?

Heather decides to field this one for no good reason at all, and begins loudly declaring that The Countess only hears what she wants to hear. This is true! But what does that have to do with Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill and her hilarious, brilliant, so spot-on it made it hard to do my job because she took all the best lines, snarky interviews? Andy Cohen wonders the same thing and diverts the conversation back to Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill and her interviews. Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill argues that she was just trying to be funny. And she was! She was very funny! But she also was doing something very unusual for any the Real Housewives shows: She poked holes in the ridiculousness of the entire Real Housewives alternaverse, and refused to take it seriously. This left some Very Bruised Feelings in her wake, because all these other women? Take it all Very Seriously Indeed, and so they all start snipping at her for her interview comments because apparently no one has pulled back the curtain to reveal to these women Professor Marvel back there yanking on the levers. THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE, LADIES. QUIT TAKING YOURSELVES SO SERIOUSLY. NO ONE ELSE DOES.

Another viewer asks Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill why she doesn’t use her title, and Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill is like, “because that’s ridiculous and pretentious and awful? Not that I care when other people use theirs.” The Countess TAKES UMBRAGE, she has not used her title ONCE this season! Which, super for you for not using a title that doesn’t apply to you anymore, I guess?

Next up: Harry the Ex-Husband All of the Housewives Made the Sex With Despite Being a Bald Toad of a Little Man.

Andy asks Aviva if it becomes tiresome to hear about her ex-Toad all the time always, and she’s like, UH YEAH, HE’S MY EX-TOAD AND WE’RE IN COURT, SO HE’S NOT EXACTLY MY FAVORITE TOPIC. Sonja attempts to call Aviva out on this, something about Aviva always bringing him up in conversation and talking to the NY Post about him, whatever whatever not on the show whatever, and Aviva is like, CONSIDERING WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH WITH YOUR OWN FORMER MR. SONJA, I WOULDN’T THINK YOU WOULD WANT TO DRAG OUR DIVORCES AND KIDS INTO THIS, LADY.

And now a montage of Aviva’s one leg and countless phobias. So many fake legs! So few real ones! So many fears! So much Cipro! So many smug and superior attitudes about everything from Diet Coke to tap water! Aviva, everyone!

Aviva explains that her only real phobias involve flying and heights, that the rest of it with the organic filtered water or whatever is just about her being healthy (and smug and superior). Andy Cohen asks about the Cipro, and Aviva shrugs, it was 9/11, whaddya gonna do, not stockpile mountains of powerful antibiotics? Come on. Heather laughs that the Cipro has to be expired by now, and The Countess adds that some of Aviva’s phobias must have expired, too. And new phobias emerge by the minute, adds Sonja. NOT NICE, barks Aviva. No, but it’s pretty funny. Point: Sonja.

Andy Cohen asks about Aviva’s leg incident, and she tells the whole, terrible story: she was trapped on some sort of manure conveyor belt, with the machine climbing up her leg, and she remembers her friend yelling at her to TURN OFF THE MACHINE! Yikes! And she was trapped there, conscious and screaming her head off, as you would do, when the EMS guys arrived and told her to stop screaming. But then UnSexy Grandpa (who was merely UnSexy Daddy at the time) whispered in her ear to just keep on screaming. YIKES!

What a terrible, heartbreaking story! It makes Aviva a little more human, and casts UnSexy Grandpa into much a more sympathetic light, in fact! Aviva explains that it’s not something she talks about, and the result is she bottles up her feelings until she becomes a completely tangled mess of anxiety and panic and finds herself screaming at people that they need to throw her parties and kneel before her husband. Which, I guess? I mean, I’ve never had farm machinery eat any of my limbs, so I’m not really in a position to judge, but I’m not sure that there is a direct line from Point A to Point White Trash?

Some viewer asks Aviva why if she doesn’t want to talk about her phobias, she’s constantly making everything about her phobias? And Aviva sighs and says that it certainly seemed that way and that she will try to not discuss them in the future. Sure you won’t, Aviva.

Andy Cohen introduces the Heather vs. Ramona montage, holla. He then notes that while Heather and Ramona seemed to make some ground, it was all reversed by the end of the season, what’s that about? Heather calmly explains that she was disappointed in Ramona for the whole toaster oven shenanigans. Ramona responds that she never liked how Heather acted nice to her face, and that if she had a problem with Ramona she should have told her to her crazy bug eyes. (Which, it should be noted, Heather did. Again and again.) Heather points out that Ramona and Mario accosted her in their house within 48 hours of meeting her, which, yeah, Ramona doesn’t actually have an excuse for, whatever, it was rude, next? Andy Cohen brings up that Ramona said Heather’s smile got under her skin, and Ramona is like, YEP! IT WAS INSINCERE. Heather notes that when someone is screaming in her face, she has a choice to make: either scream back or smile. She chooses to smile. To each their own! replies Ramona. For instance, Ramona’s choice in that situation is option 3: Run away and make fun of them in the next room.

A viewer asks if Heather thought it was a mean girl move to exclude Ramona from the London trip, and she’s like, Uh, no? It was a business trip and Ramona was acting like a lunatic. Of course I wasn’t going to invite her. Andy Cohen asks if Heather would invite Ramona if she were going on another trip, and Heather surprisingly (but not surprisingly at all) says that she would. Ramona notes the irony of the fact that she thought she’d get along with Heather the best and then she didn’t and then she liked Aviva the best until she didn’t and now she likes Heather again. Kinda. Not really.

Andy Cohen notes that The Countess and Ramona started off the season at odds with one another, but have since called a truce. The Countess tries to yell something or other about “blackmail” in a feeble attempt to start a fight/be interesting, but no cares. Ramona notes that she is cautiously friends with The Countess, seeing as she has a tendency to throw people under the bus, which takes Andy Cohen even aback because that is the Crazy-eyed Pot calling the Fake Countess Kettle black.

ST. BART(H)’S VACATION MONTAGE. PIRATES! TEQUILA SHOTS! TAKE A XANAX! WHITE TRASH! Oh, crazy ladies, put your clothes back on and quit yelling at each other, you are on vacation!

Andy Cohen begins with Aviva’s comment about comparing her apology to Rush Limbaugh’s non-apology to Sandra Fluke: what the what was that about? Aviva mumbles something about it being a non-apology and Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill is like, Yeah, that was terrible and you should have apologized to them. Some viewer reams Aviva out for being so awful to Ramonja, and worse, throwing her education around, and Aviva takes the time to sincerely apologize to Ramonja. Sonja, however, is NOT HAVING THAT AT ALL. She’s been here before, with Aviva apologizing to her only to have Aviva later go on the twits and the facespaces and blogpages and write terrible things about Sonja, SO NO THANK YOU.

Aviva apologizes for dragging Sonja into the fight. Aviva then explains that she was mostly disappointed by Ramona, seeing as she called Ramona about the trip, and Ramona had seemed sympathetic to Aviva’s issues. Ramona claims that it was in this same phone call that Aviva said Reid would be staying at a hotel, a point that Aviva disagrees with. They talk over one another for a while, until Heather pipes in that when she heard Ramonja talking about The Reid Situation, she thought they were merely being playful, and that they never had any intention of throwing him out. This, of course, is not the case, Ramonja were absolutely sincere about this being a “girl’s trip” and worrying that Reid was going to “change the dynamic.” But seeing an out, Ramona jumps on Heather’s theory while Aviva keeps repeating that SHE IS PROFUSELY SORRY.

Andy Cohen decides that this is a good time to read something that Aviva wrote in her blog, that, “Reid was not interested in being around this group of pent-up cougars and that the ladies knew very well that Reid would not be spending his time with them, he’d rather drink paint.” Aviva attempts to excuse this: she was only trying to assuage their fears that Reid was somehow going to ruin the “girls’ trip,” but the ladies’ are NOT AMUSED. Not that any of their chemically immobile faces belie this. Sonja begins shrieking at Aviva that she is a LYING LIAR WHO LIES. LIES LIES LIES, while Ramona just keeps latching on to the excuse Heather gave her on a silver platter: They were just being playful about Reid! It was a joke! They were being frisky!

Aviva begins screaming that SHE WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR HER HAIR BEING BRUSHED WHEN SHE GOT OFF THE PLANE, which must have been in response to something one of these women said, who even knows with all of this shrieking, I just happen to think it’s hilarious. NOR SHALL I, AVIVA. I SHALL NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR MY HAIR BEING BRUSHED. Andy Cohen turns his attention to Heather and Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill, and asks them how they felt about being called “pent-up cougars?” NOT GOOD, ANDY COHEN. NOT GOOD AT ALL. Aviva explains that she excluded Heather and Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill in the next blog — which is hardly any comfort for the Old Timers’ Couch.

Andy Cohen wonders if Aviva was upset by her behavior when she watched the episodes — was that why she felt she needed to apologize? Yep! Basically! I was the worst! However, when Andy Cohen asks Ramona if she is ready to accept Aviva’s apology, Ramona is like, “ARE YOU KIDDING? She spent two months trashing me on twitter! She just kept attacking me again and again and again and again and again and again, &c. ALSO, ALSO, Reid made some mean comment in St. Bart(h)’s about Overweight Girls Gone Wild, WHICH WAS REALLY MEAN, whines Sonja. Everyone else dismisses it as a stupid joke, calm down, Sonja.

Finally, “white trash.” A viewer wonders where Aviva came up with the “white trash = moral failure” definition, because this particular viewer apparently spent a great deal of time perusing a variety of dictionaries and they could not find this particular definition. Aviva first argues that there are a number of definitions of white trash (there are not) before clarifying that she really meant that Ramonja were behaving “trashily.” Aviva did not intend to demean anyone based on their skin color or economic status, so just calm down already Sugar Bear and Mama June, she wasn’t trying to insult by drawing a comparison to Ramonja. And with that, Ramona wishes Aviva the best, but thinks she needs a better therapist. HOLLA.

And with that, we are halfway through the reunion. Listen, ladies, I know half of you are new to this, but you are going to need to step up your game here. What is this listening politely business? Why are you allowing your adversaries to make their points, and then why are you calmly responding to them? And why on earth are you apologizing for your dreadful behavior? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT SERIES YOU ARE ON? Where’s the threatening to sue someone? Where is the promise to press charges against one of your cast mates? You haven’t mocked The Countess’s singing once. By this point in their reunion, your bridge and tunnel sisters over on New Jersey had said the C-word no fewer than 57 times. I am going to need more finger-pointing, more weave-pulling, more tertiary characters (UnSexy Grandpa) terrorizing the production staff backstage and at least a couple of your husbands are going to have to come out on stage, preferably drunk, and monosyllabically defend themselves against charges of cheating on you with your intern-slaves and/or leg valets. THIS IS BORING. ANDY COHEN AND I ARE BORED. STEP IT UP.