To introduce myself to those of you who don't know me quite as well as some, I'm apparently Bipolar 2 with hallucinations and more downs than ups... at least that's what the professional team has me labelled as.

I've been misdiagnosed, I've been MDD, I've been AN, I'm now BP. What I want to write about is how i no longer feel like me because of this spectrum of alphabet letters, a string of letters which i feel i have now become. I am no longer me. How can I be? I have become a client, a patient, a medical file, a case report, an insurance number... I am now in the world which they have even named for me - 'they', the professionals, named it Bipolar Affective Disorder.

I felt a little different to others from when I was a teenager. I could never understand why other people, those who surrounded me at the time, seemed to be the same day in, day out. Yet, I would go to sleep at night not knowing how I would feel the next day. Over the years, into my early twenties, it became a sense of not only having uncertanties about the next day as my head lay awake on my pillow but having uncertainy all day long about how my 'head' may change.

I passed through university and acquired and maintain a professional position in the 'working' world. I use the word 'working' lightly as it is a tentative subject to me. You see those who haven't been hijacked into this bipolarness consider doing 9-5 in a routine position a job! How facile is that? It's trying to cope with living, with blending in with what society deems normal, whilst being bipolar that is the real work... the capital D in Demanding work!

At 26 I had a breakdown and my life was blasted into that of being a long-term, expensive psychiatric patient. Through numerous therapists, psychologists, clinical psychologists, psychoanalytical psychologists, psychiatrists, eating disorder specialists, pharmacies, hospitals and clinics doors did my feet walk or be pushed on several occassions by family. Even more switches in medications did I have with a 'little more of this and a little less of that'.

I initially fought against my Bipolar diagnosis. The initial diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder seemed lighter to me, more transient and less like the bomb blast that the meaning of lifelong Bipolar meant to me. A temporary glitch in my brain's chemistry I could cope with, but permanently 'disordered' I couldn't quite handle.

I came to accept it about two years later, a further two years later again I am where I am today at the age of 30. Still seeing my psychiatrist, still rattling if you shake me from all the pillls, still struggling with this 'work'. I have good days, but for every five good ones there are an almost guaranteed two bad ones, very bad ones.

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I feel exasperated by my Bipolar at the moment, strangled of my own thought, void of breath with which to fight, consumed and contaminated by the connotations of this septic Bipolar. 'My' mind is lost. 'My' bipolar mind remains.

I have struggled with who am I....what would I be like without the bp? Would I have married my husband? Would I have 2 beautiful kids? Would I be great at music, writing, would I still be creative? The answer-I don't know. There are so many things I have no control over. The list goes on and on. I spent so long with my wonders and wishes and could have beens and what ifs that I didn't, couldnt, enjoy life anymore. What is life if not to enjoy. You have horrible days so relish in the good ones. I know this is cheesy and corny and hard to do but you have to. If you want to enjoy life, if you want to enjoy your good days, then do it. No one can make you and no one can do it for you. There are so many things that you can't control but you can control how you spend your good days and what you make of them.

I wish you all the best and I really hope you get what I'm saying and know that I have been there but am not anymore. Good luck.

I've an inkling as to how you're feeling (plus, you are very articulate about it), and I'm there often, too, after 46 years of AN, agoraphobia, bp (undiagnosed until 2 years ago, sigh), and on and on we go.

I also have trouble a lot of the time finding my personhood under all the psychiatric baggage. But, fact of the matter is that we are NOT our illness. You're still yourself, or you couldn't be writing about these things that beset you.

I believe that major psychiatric illness changes our personhood. Of course it does. We become other than we were. I always use the example of the AN - our bodies even change dramatically from the person we were physically.

We have an illness (or several). We are people with bipolar, with AN, whatever, not "manic-depressives" or "anorexics". No different than, well, do they call someone "she's a cancer"? (and define that person that way)?

It's a load to handle, but acceptance of ourselves with the illness is, I think, a lot of the answer. Someone in my group the other night said: "We will never be entirely well. And if we put off living our lives until we're 'well', we'll never do anthing."

Don't know if I'm being at all clear here. I guess my point is that yes, we are as we are now, and the work, yes, will continue in one way or another, probably, for the majority of our lives. It certainly has in mine, and I don't expect "normality" any more.

I kick against it, too, and resent it and wish it away, sooo hard. Then I try my best to get on with all the rest of life and put it out of my mind for at least a while.

Maybe the fact that your acceptance of the bp is so recent that it's got you reeling from the shock.

Have I said anything helpful? I've no idea. But I do feel for you, and I think I understand, as must so many here.

Nut, I hope you remember me because I have never forgot you and the help you gave me during my trying times with my husband and after his death. Your wisdom about the illness and how I should feel were incredible. Today I found a reply you made to me one day and I printed it out. I read it and it still helps me. I am so sorry your having such a hard time I think your a remarkable person and my thoughts go out to you.
Marsh

it's been a long time since I've been on here; but your post resonates with me.
After my last (of 4 break downs) which was nearly 3 years ago now; took 18 mths to get over; completely 'lost' a year due to meds and generally being unwell, I am now working, promoted etc etc.
I work for a charity now getting folks with health conditions / disabilities back to work. I meet 1 in 2 people with a mental health condition; folks who range from anxiety, OCD, Schizophrenia, BP, Clinical Dep; Borderline Personality Disorder etc etc.

The important thing to remember is that anyone diagnosed with one of the 'conditions' is never completely in 'one box'. You have bits of others. When I'm really ill I'm paranoid, anxious, compulsive, manic, with psychosis all of it at different times.

But what we can BECOME IS our illness/condition. It takes control; we are alerted to a day because we wake up feeling a little blue, a little high and then we start to worry that this is the impending mania or depression. We 'look for more symptoms; instead of saying 'hey, so I feel a little down today, don't know why, but i'm going to assume everything is ok.' if you have family and friends around that know what you're like when you're ill - they will stop you falling.

In short, stop your illness/condition living your life; and live your life with the illness/condition.

Sorry if this sounds blunt; but you can do it. you're not a list of potential conditions that you need to work out; you are you; you have more than that. You know you can do it.