“Floribama Shore” – Nell Kalter’s Episode 8 Recap

A few of the men I’ve dated have had some flaws. One had severe commitment issues. One’s favorite hobby was telling me complicated lies. One thought it would be totally normal if we eventually had separate bedrooms. And one was a clinical narcissist who should really be studied by a team of very brave experts who do not scare easy. But not one of them ever grabbed a phone out of my hands when a male friend called and blubbered, “Who is this?” in a manner that required both subtitles and a straightjacket.

Listen: I get that they’re young and navigating life as best as they can, but I have no earthly idea what either Candace and Kortni are doing by continuing to entertain relationships with men who are clearly abusive. And not only are GatorJay and Logan fueled by rage that they then level at women they claim to love, but they are exhibiting this psychotic behavior during what is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. In a way, they are actually giving these girls a huge gift; they’re announcing who they are in the beginning, and I only hope these girls see every single horrible sign being waved in their faces and run far far away from these monsters because abuse doesn’t abate over time. Abuse gets worse. Candace, however, is not quite ready to throw in the moldy towel. She wakes up in the morning determined to make the last day she spends with her felon as enjoyable as possible, a mindset that lets him off the hook for his behavior the night before. They sit down for breakfast at a restaurant and Candace tells him his actions were messed up, to which he announces it’s time to set up some “guidelines” she should live under. To her credit, Candace asks why she should have to live under his rules – and I almost high-fived the screen when she said that, but then I remembered that she dated this guy in the first place and, until she walks away from Mr. Gawd forever, I’m not about to high-five f*cking anything.

Over at Shore Dogs, a restaurant where nobody is yanking out one of GatorJay’s errant beard hairs, Gus, Codi, and Aimee show up to work. Aimee has a cold and there are tissues shoved clear up her nostrils, which has to be some kind of Board of Health violation, right? She pulls the Kleenex out when it’s time to prepare the food, makes it through her shift, and by the time she arrives back home, Candace has already put GatorJay into a van to send him to the airport. And now that the guy is gone and Candace has the opportunity to reflect on his fully inappropriate levels of anger, the only clarity she sadly walks away with is that she is finally in a relationship. Oy. And speaking of seriously screwed up situations, Kortni’s having some vagina issues and before her OBGYN will see her, she is required to take a pregnancy test. (For the record, my OBGYN has never mandated any such a thing to me, and should Kortni want a referral for a new doctor, I’m happy to give her one.) Luckily, Nilsa has a pregnancy test on hand and she instructs Kortni how to pee on it because Kortni only likes to pee on things you’re not supposed to pee on. Nilsa looks sick as Kortni heads into the bathroom to take the test and why shouldn’t she? There’s a chance Kortni is carrying the spawn of Lucifer in her uterus.

The lines on the stick are hard to decipher and there’s a chance Kortni is pregnant, though she will have to wait a few days until her doctor can see her to know for sure. She is not going to tell Logan anything and Nilsa recommends they just keep this maybe-news between the two of them for now. And since this entire scene is so dark and there’s a possibility Kortni’s future could grow even darker, I think it prudent to announce that something positive happened: until she gets a definitive answer, Kortni is committed to not drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes. Who else is relieved – and totally surprised?

While Kortni’s mind races, a bunch of the roommates decide to go to the gym. Gus has taken over as Codi’s trainer and this job is intense. It involves instructing Codi that he should not drink beer for breakfast and then wrapping Codi’s tummy in Saran Wrap so he can sweat out all the carbohydrates he ingested the night – and all the years – before. Since he used to be overweight himself, Gus wants Codi to find his best self and to feel proud of working to attain a good body and better health. So as Gus makes Codi rue the day he ever asked for fitness advice in the first place, Kortni takes Aimee to the doctor. When the doctor leaves to go find a swab to test Aimee for the flu, Kortni tells her about the fact that she could be pregnant. Aimee is shocked and she’s scared for Kortni because she knows Kortni is just a kid – and not even a particularly responsible kid – and she is in no way ready for a baby, least of all one who was sired by Logan. The doctor eventually returns with the news that Aimee has the same bronchitis Kortni had and that’s sad and all, but was anyone else wondering why that very doctor couldn’t just do a blood or urine test on Kortni to see if she is pregnant? Are pop-urine tests even allowed by insurance companies anymore? In any event, Aimee leaves the office knowing she’s heading into quarantine and Kortni leaves the office feeling like she’s living in purgatory on the underworld’s most humid day of the year.

Also: The quarantine Aimee is put into while she recovers is not a dirty bedroom in the house encased sloppily with a tarp someone once went slip-n-sliding across while hammered. Instead, Kortni rings up their landlord and manages to land Aimee her very own – and very clean – cottage! This cottage comes equipped with furniture and it blessedly does not have screaming roommates or garbage cans that will soon be filled with the drippings of Codi’s sweat from removing his Saran Wrap belt. If I were Aimee, I’d take one look around and pray for that particular phlegmy strand of bronchitis to never ever leave. Hell, I’d walk outside and lick gutters and lampposts to stay sick just so I could have myself a bit of peace and quiet.

While Aimee sleeps in a bedroom where there are no cups filled with balls of mucus hacked up by one of her housemates, the rest of the group heads out to a bar. On the way, Kortni tells Jeremiah and Codi about how she could be pregnant. Jeremiah’s reaction is to look concerned. Codi’s reaction is to be horrified that Kortni is talking about possibly being pregnant in so nonchalant a manner, but I get that Kortni doesn’t want to fall into hysterics until she knows for sure. She does let them know that she is not saying a word to Logan yet, but we all know he’ll be at that same bar tonight because chances are high he clipped a GPS system onto all of Kortni’s bra straps so he would know where she is at every moment of every day. You know – much like a normal boyfriend would.