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Friday, 12 April 2013

In the inbetween...

Create a world. Get lost in it.

Today I half-dreamt a world where nothing was quite real. No,
I lucid dreamed. The best lucid dream I’ve done in a long time. And in this
dream, where I couldn't think of a back-story I made it that the parts unknown
to me were unknown to the dreamees as well. I manipulated a world which
resulted in a character who thinks she knows what’s happening – there is a
situation which she’s in and she’s dealing with it – but when she stops and
actually thinks about it, she realises that there are gaps where there should
be memories. She knows why she is here but not how she got there. There is a
view from the window which isn't quite real. And now no one can quite remember
how she got there either.

I want to go back there. I want to stay there.

Afterwards I came out of the dream state, ie I woke up and opened my eyes, and was confronted by this world again. Nothing felt real. But
then, nothing has felt real for a good few days. Time has been jumping so what
feels like a few minutes is actually an hour when you look at the clock. I keep
expecting to wake up. I’m pretty sure I’m hallucinating. Real life has begun to
feel like a dream. I’m not sure if this
can be classed as a funny turn, or maybe I’m just stressed but I’ve had bad
stress before and it’s never been like this. Or maybe it did but I *just* can’t
remember. The past has begun to feel like a dream, where you turn towards a
memory and it’s gone.

But I’ve never felt like this before. Like I'm in the
inbetween. Occasionally, yes. When you come out of a movie or a play or a book
and it lingers with you. That’s what it feels like, except it’s my life which is
lingering. I can hear it discussing the play before it heads back to the car to
drive home. But there is no story to go back to and so I'm left in the
inbetween.

It simultaneously terrifies me and excites me. I want to
stay there. Here. I want this to be a dream because then today and yesterday
will slip to the edges of my mind when I wake up tomorrow. Memories I’ve
gathered over the past few weeks will slowly disappear, hide when I try to
confront them and leave me with déjà vu five, ten, fifty years from now.

And that’s why it’s terrifying It’s terrifying because
this isn’t a dream. This is real life. But more and more it feels like
everything is slipping away and I’m left floating in the inbetween

Anyways. As this is real life I'm off to bed. Need to be up at 6 so I can spend the day in the medschool revising for Monday's exam. The real world, as dreamlike as it feels, needs to be lived otherwise I'm going to fail out of medical school.