Ship's
Log, Stardate 5710.5, Lieutenant Commander Scott reporting. While
exploring an outer quadrant of the galaxy, the Enterprise received
distress calls from an apparently uninhabited, incredibly beautiful
city on the planet of Scalos. Captain Kirk and a landing party have
beamed down to investigate.

I can't change the laws of physics!

Have ya gone daft?

That's... problematical, sir.

Captain, can you read me? I was beaming up
Mr. Seven and something yanked him away from me.

I don' know how much longer I can hold 'er t'gether.

Freeze right there, Mr Spock, or I'll put
you to sleep for sure.

Laddy, don't you think you should...
rephrase that?

Heaven's got very little to do with this.

You got nothing. You mind your place, or
you'll be wearin' concrete galoshes.

Somebody turn of this infernal food factory!

I'm givin' it all she's got, Captain! If I
push it any farther, the whole thing'll blow!

You bloody big scatterbrain! Make up your
monumental mind!

We've lost a great deal of fuel. We have
no chance at all to reach escape velocity. And if we ever hope to
make orbit, we'll have to lighten our load by at least 500 pounds.

It's a shame for a good Scotsman to admit
it, but I'm not up on Milton.

A few seconds after they sent this one up
through the transporter, that duplicate appeared. Except it's not a
duplicate. It's an opposite. Two of the same animal, but different.
One gentle: this. One mean and fierce: that. Some kind of savage,
ferocious opposite. Captain, we don't dare send Mr. Sulu and the
landing party up. If this should happen to a man...

We can't make transporter contact, sir.
The entire system's inhibited. The way it is now, we couldn't beam up
a fly.

Oh, well, any decent brand o' Scotch'll do that.

I could never be proud of puttin' wee
beasties in cages.

They're in trouble, and I am under orders
not to interfere. However, no order can stop me from frightening
them. It may do no good, but it may suggest to someone just what a
starship can really do.

What manner of beastie is that?

Just before
they went into warp, I beamed the whole kit and kaboodle into their
engine room, where they'll be no tribble at all.

Aye.

It's ... green.

Diplomats! The best diplomat I know is a
fully activated phaserbank.

Up your shaft!

He's in a wee bit of a snit, isn't he?

There's nothing wrong with the bloody thing!

Eight weeks, sir. But ye don't have eight
weeks, so I'll do it for ye in two.

I just fixed that damn thing! Turn it off,
will you?

There's nothing amazing about it. I know
this ship like the back of my hand.[Scotty walks into low-hanging beam,
knocks himself out cold.]

Why? How do we know he didn't invent the thing?

The Excelsior? Why in God's name would you
want that bucket of bolts?

Don't you worry, Captain. We'll beat those
Klingon devils, even if I have to get out and push.

[Speaking into the mouse] Hello computer!

A keyboard. How quaint.

That suits me. I just bought a boat.

Aye. And if my grandmother had wheels,
she'd be a wagon.

All systems automated and ready. A
chimpanzee and two trainees could run her.

Aye, sir. The more they overthink the
plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.

N... C... C... 1... 7... 0... 1. No bloody
A, B, C or D!

I may be a captain by rank, but I never
wanted to be anything else but an engineer.

Ah, it's like the first time you fall in
love. You don't ever love a woman quite like that again. Well, to the
Enterprise, and the Stargazer - old girlfriends we'll never meet again.

There comes a time when a man finds that
he can't fall in love again. He knows that it's time to stop. I don't
belong on your ship. I belong on this one. This was my home. This is
where I had a purpose... But it's not real. It's just a computer-generated
fantasy. And I'm just an old man who's trying to hide in it.

Those few seconds will not make any
difference, Mr. Spock, because you and I and the rest of the crew
will no longer be here to bandy it back and forth. This thing is
going to blow up, and there's nothing in the universe can stop it.

Scotty:Do you mind a little advice? Starfleet
captains are like children. They want everything right now and they
want it their way. But the secret is to give them only what they
need, not what they want.

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge:Yeah, well, I told the Captain I'd have
this analysis done in an hour.

Scotty:How long will it really take?

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge:An hour!

Scotty:Oh, you didn't tell him how long it would
really take, did ya?

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge:Well, of course I did.

Scotty:Oh, laddie. You've got a lot to learn if
you want people to think of you as a miracle worker.

So, the Enterprise has
had its maiden voyage, has it? She is one well-endowed lady. I'd like
to get my hands on her "ample nacelles," if you pardon the
engineering parlance.

I like this ship! You know, it's exciting!

I've never beamed three people from two
targets onto one pad before!

Okay, I'm sure you're just doing your job,
but could you not have come a wee bit sooner? Six months I've been
here, living off Starfleet protein nibs and the promise of a good
meal! And I know exactly what's going on here, okay? Punishment,
isn't it? Ongoing! For something that was clearly an accident!

Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is
to hide a starship on the bottom of the ocean?

Except, the thing is, even if I believed
you, right, where you're from, what I've done - which I don't, by the
way - you're still talking about beaming aboard the Enterprise while
she's traveling faster than light, without a proper receiving pad.
The notion of transwarp beaming is like trying to hit a bullet with a
smaller bullet whilst wearing a blindfold, riding a horse.

Imagine that! It never occurred to me to
think of SPACE as the thing that was moving!

Spock Prime:You are, in fact, the Mr. Scott who
postulated the theory of transwarp beaming?

Scotty:That's what I'm talking about! How do you
think I wound up here? Had a little debate with my instructor on
relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. He
seemed to think that the range of transporting something like a...
like a grapefruit was limited to about 100 miles. I told him that I
could not only beam a grapefruit from one planet to the adjacent
planet in the same system - which is easy, by the way - I could do it
with a life form. So, I tested it out on Admiral Archer's prized beagle.

James T. Kirk:Wait, I know that dog. What happened to it?

Scotty:I'll tell you when it reappears. [Ahem] I
don't know, I do feel guilty about that.