Deciding

My writing weekend is fast approaching and I’m still undecided about what I want to work on. There are three different projects on which to place my focus. I can go through my old poetry and rewrite/edit or trash, I can write some new poems or I can work on my story. They’re all projects I want to dive into, but I can’t seem to prioritize them.

Combining the old and the new poetry makes sense; I can spend the entire weekend on all things poetic – my only fear is that the old will influence the new and not necessarily in a good way. I was able to recover everything I had on the old computer and believe it or not, have only reread one of them. And it was… I think pretentious might be the best definition.

It’s a great story and has a couple of excellent lines in it, but the rest is just not going to work. So do I try to salvage it or just rewrite it? In the case of this particular poem, extracting a couple of lines and tossing the rest is what I’m going to have to do. The main reason I’m thinking I should spend my weekend on poetry is that it’s a rare opportunity to really immerse myself in it.

No clock watching, no dog to let out or husband to feed – just me and my poetry. I think I can work on my story even while surrounded by my daily distractions. Writing the outline will require the most thought and focus, at least until I get the first draft underway. I’ve already started writing the story and the daily writing habit is firm. Although the thought of unscheduled and uninterrupted writing time makes me smile.

I haven’t even started packing for my first ever writing retreat weekend and I’m already dreaming of an entire week. It’s all good. I’m stepping into my authentic self and while it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be, it’s still a new world and I’m enjoying the child in a candy store feeling. It’s only been since last November that I began this leg of my journey.

Until the obsession loosens its grip, the novelty wears off and this new world integrates itself – meaning I won’t feel the wonder every time I tell someone I’m a writer – until then I want to allow myself to savor the feelings. My little girl deserves to feel proud of herself without being shot down for bragging. Or exaggerating. And that fear of failing? Well, it’s still there, but it no longer has the ability to cause absolute paralysis.

So I think I’ve decided, at least for today, that I’ll use this retreat for writing poetry. Spending a winter weekend at the beach in a B&B sounds pretty darned poetic, don’t you think? Now I’m off to get started on tying up all of those loose ends so I can relax and enjoy myself.