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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Day 21

3 weeks? 21 days? It's been way too long since I've held those little hands.

Today I went to the dentist. I told my first stranger about you. It was so hard. Her heart was broken for us, too. But, how could I not tell someone about you or pretend you never existed? You left such an imprint in my heart, I want to tell people about you. I went to lunch with Hillary and her sweet baby. That was kinda hard. But, I need to put myself around other people with babies. She wasn't you. Our story is different than hers. God has a different path for us... Hillary is so sweet. She asks about you where people rarely do. Not even my friends... You happened, baby. People don't get that a simple "How are you?" or a "Jovi is so sweet" or "I miss Jovi" or "Remember when Jovi..." I have learned to never, EVER, be like that. When someone loses someone they love, all they want to do is talk about them. I'm even open to talking about the day I found you not breathing in your bed. That was a momentous day in my life. Huge. I don't not want to talk about it. It's crazy how awkward people get. Even a simple "I'm sorry" is just perfect. I shouldn't have to make others feels comfortable. I think that's hard. But, I do it anyway. I've learned how to try to make some really awkward situations somewhat better. But, then again, maybe people are worried about saying the wrong thing. You really can't. Unless its something like "Oh SIDS? I didn't know that was still around..." Then, a lot of silence because it obviously still is. All I'm asking is a simple "How are you?" and maybe not to have my friends fall of the face of the Earth. I've had some really good ones stick around though. And they will help me get through losing you. In fact, they have helped me so much already. They all know who they are.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm so sad I won't be dropping you off at Grandma's or telling Daddy where your bottle is... but, I have to try to learn to start living life without you here on Earth with me. You'll be in up there smiling as I make the big step back to work. I know you will. I try my best everyday to get up and make my attempt at life with a big, hole missing in my heart. Somedays is so hard that I can barely stand... well most days. It's not even day by day here yet. It's mostly hour by hour. Time's proving to make things harder and easier. I miss you every minute of every day. Not a second goes by that I don't think about you and what I'd be doing if you were here. I think about Heaven and I'm always wondering what you are up to. What are you doing right now? Are you laughing and smiling a whole bunch? I'm sure Heaven is that much brighter with your giggle and smile. I miss you, love. I love you to Heaven and back.