Pages

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/say that I can not hear from my breath instead of realizing that this is an excuse because if I am not inner silent - in fact I do not hear from my thoughts.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to be inner silent because then I experience that the sound of my breath is intense and my body and heartbeat is undenyably throbbling and unavoidable.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be inner silence just because I believed that what I think within the mind - is more important than be here as this breath - because I did not allowed myself to trust me and I relied on my memory-based thinking system to tell me what to do, how to experience.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I think - I am not here, I am not breath, I am not here within and as the physical, only within my mind dimension - separated, limited and preprogrammed - just because I do not dare myself to push myself here to express who I am as moment, just because I do not trust myself as life, because I use memories as excuse, because I've given up on myself as life -- until I do not stop participate within the mind and live who I am as all as one as equal as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my breath - revealing that I am participating in the illusion that I am separated from breath.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breath.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word breath.I forgive mysself that I have abused and suppressed my breath according to suppress myself 'into' my mind.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not aware of my breath here as one as equal - I am not here, I am deceiving myself by the participation within and as the mind consciousness system.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I give up everything what is not here - I am here as my breath as body as physical - because if I give up everything from my mind - I realize that I am here.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware that when I think while I breath or when I think while I hold in or out the breath.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself by not being aware of my thoughts, not realizing that I am segregated.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very essence of my desires make me to believe that I have to reach something beyond myself where I am actually as breath.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that everything of me is already here - if I am not experiencing and expressing myself as one as equal as the totality of myself - I am not here as breath as life - I am perceiving myself as self-separated entity what is less then the existence.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be less than existence, than the wholeness of everyting - just because I defined myself according to what my eyes see.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in every moment and every breath.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the illusion of ascension by placing myself into a process and projecing my desires into the future, and not realizing that this is procrastination and hope - and in fact an excuse to not stand up as life here within and as this moment, and practically change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a specific energetic definition system and defining my status between to the lack of energy or the too much energy and then simply reacting by using the preprogrammed methods to keep me between these values who I defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy, instead of realizing that I am here as breath - I direct myself and I am expressing myself as all as one as equal.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sitting straight, because then I will be tired and that tiredness can be an excuse for not directing myself appropriately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as self-defeat and self-judgemental and self-doubt - to try to hide from myself to not face with and as what I have accepted and allowed to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to run away from my desires lolI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally run away from my desires within the hope that this will go by moving intensely.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up my desires, especially sexual desires by participation of attraction to specific picture presentations of human women.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not here as breath, I tend to desire after woman, because of in the past I defined the expression of approaching woman as a substitution and an attention divertion from the fact that I desire to be myself who I am.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define power as having money and woman.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a relationship with a woman.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to the emotional movements within me - what are built up by thoughts, what are built up by my dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define straightness and inner silence as something what makes me tired.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop defining myself as tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist and support myself unconditionally in every single moment of every single breath.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility to practically changing myself.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to assist myself unconditionally and be the living example of practical change.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship within my mind to specific pictures.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself as myself by allowing my thoughts, feelings, emotions to define my reality and my experiences and expressions.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am worshipping with 2d pictures within my mind and judging and defining it separatedly from me trough thoughts feelings and emotions - I am not here as the totality of myself - but only a fraction of myself.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define desire as a force what drives me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to drive myself as me as one as equal and designing desires separatedly from me to determine who I am, how I mush act, how I mush react - instead of being here as moment as breath as me as life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want to have free will, instead of realizing that this is a silent secret agreement trough beings as they and me are allowing ourselves to continue existing as deliberate dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this moment is the result of the past, and if I do not stop the mind as me - it will remain this until I do not stand up as life unconditionally, right here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that freewill is an excuse to not conside all as one as equal as life but to say that I have the right to do that within the act of self-interest.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be straight - literally by standing, sitting and breathing straight here.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to stooping instead of realizing that within that expression I am mostly not here, only within my mind - constantly generating and participating within and as thoughts and by that - I am manifesting a kind of indirect expression, which is of my accepted self-judgement, self-defeat, self-suppression - instead of standing up within and as myself and be straight as the physical expression of me as breathing here as inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be straight with people because of self-definition about them within myself - instead of realizing that I accept and allow this definitions about them and still inside of me I am reflecting back my own definitions to me and then defining the definitions to build up who I perceive myself to be - what is absolute self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be straight to the actual point about what I am one and equal with and as - because of fearing from the outcome - what is already here and by trying to find shorter paths - I want to escape from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep up/maintain a thought-based definition-cache(poll - pool) about what I perceive about here - instead of experiencing what is here directly as me as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a self-definition-shield within me to perceive it between the existence and me to have the illusion that I am separated, that I am in safety, that I am in power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being straight with people because of fearing the exposure of who I really am inside behind the self-definition shield.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be directive straight because of fearing from the failing - instead of realizing that the actual fear from failure only would show up that I am actually a program what can not change, and that's why I would fear from that who I became here : it can fail because then I would expose myself to myself that I define myself as this failure who can not change.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop personalities to avoid confrontation with people because of I wanted people to trust in me to make me believe that I can be trusted - so this indirect 'respect'-'trust' would give a conditional strength to actually trust me - but this trust is not real because is of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore what is here by directing and disciplining myself to remain inner silent by pushing myself with and as every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from emotions instead of realizing that by separation I am not the directive principle within oneness and equality as all of me here just because of a belief what I want to step over but this also would show me for me that I want it instead of actually LIVE as me as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself to avoid to be straight because of the self-defined fear that then nobody would be with me because I do not respect the mind, I do not respect the mind-based perceptional personality reality of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself within consciousness because I defined it as terrible, self-defeat - instead of trusting me here and not allowing the mindfucks to overcome by applying self-honesty and self forgiveness UNCONDITIONALLY HERE as WHO I AM as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from having sex because of the mind-information system rejuvenation - instead of trusting me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to became a mind consciousness system and defining myself as personalities and emotional/energetic charges-releases instead of being straight constant here as life as embracing everything of me here as moment as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires and literally walk with it by hoping that at one point I will give up and by hoping that if it is of dishonesty then I would not 'get it', so sooner or later I will give up -- instead of directing myself and stopping to accept myself as desire.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Darkness and demons. Tomorrow we're gonna play Call of Cthulhu RPG, I did not played 'RolePlayGame' since many years - basically since I've realized that within 3D: the very same is happening right now.But I am curious about what brings forth within me and is cool to face with myself and with the heads who I was with in those times: the same trio we will play who we are still keep in kind of contact: if one of us writes an email to one or the another - goes to both - so this kind of stuff goes since we have email.Three of us marked quite different lines within our lives - one of us went to military academy and got serious exercises about how this stuff works and all the 'male' roles are programmed and being maintained, developed and manifested by the total control of modern weaponry. After that he just jumped off from the army - and is still learning computer science, programming, maths etc - and he is currently working on a QA(quality assurance - 'testing') a new computer game. He is managing himself to re-gain some kind of responsible position about project managing. We know each other since childhood, at computer workshop we met, and were having big fun times together, even at one point my mother were suspecting that I am kind of gay because I am with him many times - but we were doing computer games, role playing stuff, fantasy, sci-fi stuff, nature walks, phyisical funs like sword-playing with sticks etc.He just spent here 2 weeks and was cool - we do not need to speak too much to understand each other kind of without words we can get each other's stuff...

The other guy I was in highschool with, he is kind of smart face, many system-knowledge, literature, readings stuff, kind of sceptic wisdom he enjoys, and he is working as system admin in a kind of law area - but he is doing webmaster stuff...

Interesting to see how they are within the system - how they are accepted themselves as themselves - based on their perceptions - and it's fascinating to see my mind-tentacles towards them - how I operate related to them - how I change with them. It's kind of cool act to explore this and just express myself.

This is a part of my own programming what I've managed to quite freely experiment with them - I was teenager, and what I played within the role play fantasy game - kind of that personality I could express without inhibition, without self-judgement.I was Talamon, the elven crazy wizard - not good, not bad, but who writes his own laws related to his life. I liked the nature stuff, and I liked to express my own authority and power towards those who interfered with me - and sometimes that brought up some dark, bitter fogs but those were the pillars of the other side's joyful playtimes to keep in balance the waving, mystical, untouchable and mad wizard who had own inner scars what gave him enormous, throbbling raw energy to express and change the situations.

So this was like the original talamon idea - I liked magic, I wanted magic, I desired magic, I imagined magic and I believed magic - I searched and explored magic - the very essence of the magic of man - I was this kind of symbol.

I wanted the total power, the natural, undefeatable, innocent pure expression of influence right into the existence - but I could not express this - I could not find it anywhere else in that times - only within fantasy and sci-fi worlds such as wizards and demons, thiefs and assasins and within the star-wars world or in the gothic and utterly dark H.P.Lovecraft's world, the Call of cthulhu.

This dark presence what popped up within my life again and again - and there were occasional situations when it manifested so strongly, that I was totally astonoished, freezed about - hey this is shit real, not only fantasy.The suppressed anger and fear was the basic glue within my mind to keep together this systematic, lava-worm-like energetical vibration what made me power over my body.

When I was tiny, I got a so strong shock, that I could not contain - I had to separate this (literally) entities within myself because it was fearful that I can not breath anymore if I let this manifest totally - so I fought with my mind to remain 'alive' - yet it was a very deep, strong compromise - I literally chained myself to my limits by very agressive conditions - to be ensured that I wont step into those cold, dark areas within myself - even when I would like.So this made me even forget about the darkness - but the seal was never perfect - the seal was always leaking somehow - the bindings had own consequences - I lost my direction, I've lost my dreams, and what was the very serious one: I've lost my power to be able to direct myself.This caused a hole - a whole, holy break - this break was the pit what I felt, I am always falling into - every day I've had this dream about I am falling - and I was falling into my own deep, dark nothing. I've became addicted to fall - to fall within the darkness - after a while I defined that I am alive when I am experiencing this freezing, frightening fall within the total, nonsensual instinctly shocking darkness.This is what I used to generate my energy - this was to be used to hit into the energy-fields to make strong remarks to form the reality how I perceived as possibly right.I was so raw, that I feared that I could kill someone with an unconscious movement.I was fearful from killing - I was fearful to kill the first human - I believed that if I would kill someone - then the human life would loose it's meaning, because I had the belief that if someone killed once - then to kill again would not be difficult.

So this darkness I had and I have - I still experience and it is within and around my solar plexus - kind of heavyness around the lungs when someone cant breath - but this one is not only around the chest - it is around the hip, around the stomach, the hip, the buttocks -- the whole trunk as one cold, shivering grey-white-black energyfield what kind of slows down the time-perception - and gives the sound as metals are cut with some unholy, magical deepdark carved blades.

Thos wavering what I experience within my writings as I start somewhere and the direction very soon goes to deep into my core of my being - is kind of tendency - I have no idea what I will write - but in fact I write within self-honesty and what is here - I write it down.In fact - it would be fascinating to write all day - I want this - so it is the self-direction point - am I able to manage myself to write continously for more than one-two hours? Because in the begining I writing something 'kind of usual' but that is also specific - and as I move along - the whole story gets more and more intimated and more serious - and I manifest as words within this document - more likely I would say that my accepted and allowed manifested responsibility is being reckognised as a self-defined, self-contained, self-determined mind-personality pattern system.

Within the roleplay game - I could express these dimensions from me verbally - a kind of virtually directing this elven mage talamon character within the storyline - and many times I was kind of against the storyteller's world - I wanted to direct appropriately the situations - but the storyteller was kind of against me - as the physical world made this in that times - I thought I am powerful and I wanted to direct situations but I was kind of an apprentice of magic and I had no real power over the physical and many times I almost got killed, and the grace of the storyteller had saved my life.And this talamon stuff has growed within me - and I wrote lifestory of the character about the parents were killed and the child got trauma and shock and kind of remained child but became an old man at a same time with the certain touch of death on his shoulder.

In that times I was reading many books what were played in fantasy worlds - about the half-human/half-orc chaos priest with the chain-mace or the sword of night with the three demigods - of course beyond the classic ones such as LOTR, star wars, cthulhu, dark elf series etc...

I desperatedly wanted to explore worlds and realms, to express myself and within this 3D existence I could not - I was poor, powerless and self-doubted, inhibited and fearful - I had ability to use logic extensively but I could not see beyond my own program.These fantasy worlds were the illusion dimension where I could escape, where I could be apparently more free - I was having a huge imgaination - basically an ability to see thought-based picture worlds inside of me - related to the input what I pulled up from books, movies etc - based on my suppressions and desires.

I started to tend to be with those people who participated with this kind of self-image of me - what was basically a total mindfuck but it gave the illusion that I am right.In that times I wrote many adventures and tiny novels but I never finished one - I had huge doubt within everything - why and how?

As I started to do something, to express - I found that that specific act is kind of limited after a while - in the begining it was new and the possibilities were infinite - but as I started to involve myself within - the whole stuff started to become more and more determined, more and more predictable and program-like....

So in that times I turned to computers...

I liked to play with computer-games - these tiny figures what I had to direct indirectly with the joystick - I liked these - simple and countable - yet it has the access of a new area for me - success -- when I made a level of a computer game - I felt a moment of joy, a kind of instant and breezing happiness and that was the possibility to continue to play along to move on to the next level...

After a while I was interested how these games were built up - how these were made up? I heard about computer programming, I was very interested - I started to explore this, basic language and I enjoyed that I can write my own computer program and I had to get a C64 computer and I wrote some stuffs, I copied many programs and very soon I understood the very basic of computer programming - I stopped to walk out to nature - I stopped to go out to nature - I could control the computer - and when I did not understood what was the problem - because the machine did not do what I wanted - it was always logical and I could find the problem and fix it - I started to trust in the computer. I was always who mistyped the code, I was who missed a conceptual point - and when I wanted - I could find it. It was like a sandbox...

So the darkness I could close out by my intent by focusing to computers - the screen had it's own light and my code was on the screen - or the games what I played - in fact for me the coding was also playing...Even when it was dark and night - the colorful screen I merely gazed all day and night without even forgeting my own human physical body and my emotional package of fears and anger and depression.

So I tried many things - chemistry, biology, maths, history, sports etc but after all I always felt like these are not really challenging - these had their own linguistics and after learning that - I could move along easily without obsticled -- in fact without expressing and manifesting something - I just enjoyed the theories the stories the mechanisms and the facts - but to literally act these 'knowledges' within 3D - I never intended to - - for some times I did - I build little electronic stuffz, but after a while it was boring and very soon I learnt to jump over to another area before I could slow down within the progress of learning -- I was searching something more profound...Even when I found the computer science - I sucked that so easily and naturally, but it was not enough - I was flying within fantasy worlds and I've managed to separate my identity from the 'dark' and 'evil' entities by letting books and movies to describe these for me to be able to define separatedly from me -- such as demons, undeads, evil beings, monsters and it was fascinating...

Somehow I had this affinity to research after these - of course the heros and angels also made me busy but somehow these dark entities had more freedom - even with the fact that within the stories the heroes always killed them.

In those times I believed that I have some sort of special abilities such as psychics, when I wanted to something to happen, I contencrated and when it happened - I was quite sure that I influenced that with my will.

I read Silva's Mind-control and I used the three-finger technics, and even I used to touch my right earlobe to try to control traffic lamps etc...

I had so strong desire to experience some kind of natural awakening to realize that I have a power of magic to change the reality.In those times I was extremly thin and very whiteskinned(still) and I had to protect my identity about I saw that the general heroes were very muscular within the stories and I could not identify myself with them totally because of the image presentation of myself was very different.The only advantage was my shining big blue eyes what was used to be the interest of girls.Of course they did not realize that the frightening suppressed anger and inhibition made that kind of expression to freeze onto my face and I even could not speak barely -- with girls -- especially with the beautiful ones.

So interesting childhood I had and my family had this controlled fight among each other and it was in the air many times that they simply hate each other.

The only thing what I could do with this situation that I could express this shit towards my sister who was 3 years younger - and I was such an asshole many times.

ok this is enough - this darkness stuff will continue with more experiences, especially with the intense ones to explore my 'relationship' with the self-deluded definition of darkness.

Some self forgiveness I express to unify my experience here:

Role playing game:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have developed a role - a role of myself - a rule of myself - who I define myself to be by thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures -- instead of being here naturally as moment as me as breath as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from this physical existence into some sort of illusionaric fantasy world and playing and imagining myself to be a hero there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to go into fantasy worlds within my mind as good, as cool, as a source of joy.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy by the escaping from this 3d physical reality with participation within mind-images powered by thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself here within and as this physical expression as atrophy based to the comparison my picture presentation related to the heroes of the stories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be hero - to get the people-s respect because I did not honoured myself so I wanted to get this by others to make me believe that I am honoured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect myself because of defining my worth based on the zero numbered heroic deeds what I've done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as who I am according to my own definitions and to hide from my own definitions - I've created an another personality by myself who is strong, powerful and magical - because I was missed these from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as powerless.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ordinary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to myself because I experienced myself as powerless and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from those who had power and strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as logical - because I had the ability to compute the situations precisely as a machine in order to avoid the mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from mistakes - because I had the perception that I am myself a mistake because I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expression and always wanted more than I was able to do.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations based on my memory and my usage of logic - instead of trusting me here - I chosed within my logic and my memory and past experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn from my parents that I can not have mistake because that would mean that I failed.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my mother's judgement about I have failed because then I defined myself as unworthy and pathetic - because I have compared myself to heroes from movies and books and for the grownups around me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust within and as me - but trusted within my definitions of what is good enough based on the other's teachings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after another human being - instead of realizing that if I allow myself to desire after one human - I am that human who I desire after - and I am right here - but I do not experience myself because of this desire what I experience - as I explore the lack of me - lol.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chew myself within myself because of suppressed expressions.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chew myself literally within my mouth because of manifesting eating myself because of the manifestation of self-digesting.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chew my mouth inside, sometimes on the left side, sometimes on the right side when I am judging myself because of suppressed self-definitions, because of suppressed self-defeat, because of self-doubt, because of manifested expression of continous thinking.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as defeated based on events towards me by others by taking these events personally, instead of realizing that these beings are showing their nature to me and not specially for me, only I was 'just' here and I have accepted and allowed it to happen instead of standing up and acting immediately.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am eating my mouth inside with my teeth to cause a scar inside to make hurt myself and to feel the blood because the accepted and allowed mind work manifests within and as my human physical body - until I stop - stop participating within self-doubt, self-defeat, self-judgement, self-defeat.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me within me as me as breath as me, as moment as me within oneness and equality as all as one as equal as life.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body by expressing my stress in my positions, hand/feet poses, by not realizing that these expressions are the geometrical manifestations of my accepted and allowed mind-participations and are abusing the body by posing within unpleasant positions.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my physical body postures instead of trusting me here as breath as expression without any definition.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here as breath as moment, and slipping away for moments by participation in the 'jack in the box' memory popups. These moments are the keys to direct myself and be self-honest about to explore the why(as the situation what made me to react to 'slip away' from here, and the actual 'slipping' about to see the whole 'scenario' exactly as it is: to realize the schemas within my expression to be able to see the core and apply self-forgiveness and stop participate within memory in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to dare myself to explore that who I really am by hugging illusionaric mind-bullshit about who I am by idealizing and keeping up definintions about who I am - instead of realizing the trap of myself as self-defined, self-contained, self-centered experience of my manifested, compounded dishonesty.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to direct myself by 'letting go' the moment by trusting within the existence, because of I have allowed to define that 'I always get back the control, even when I give up and I just flow' - instead of realizing that these moments are the self-giving up-s when I want to escape from self-directiveness because of trying to avoid self-responsibility and even trusting within the system about 'it will make what I want anyway' - and this is separation - this is the actual proof of the participation of self-doubt, self-dishonesty. I stop this, I trust me and I stop to escape from awareness by defining it too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define awareness as too much, as unbearable intense, instead of moving myself trough my limitations and actually allowing myself to explore what is here - basically by letting everything go and stabilize self-presence as breath.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within plants and chemicals and drugs instead of trusting me within me as me as breath here.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge spirituals or any other beings, instead of instantly being aware and intimated about the actual mind-participation to realize that I accept this within me towards me, so I stop by applying self-forgiveness and stop judging beings, myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally just because a human is very close to me and I defined to avoidable to breath naturally deeply, because then the being would sense the air.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become embarrassed because of the near presence of another human to trigger to not breath naturally.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as moment as me, as breath as me.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when seeing sexual content, such as naked woman or hearing beings speaking about sex or orgasm. Realize that I am becoming aroused by the attached memory of the words - so I am not hearing the word as sound, but I hear my own memory triggered by the words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe or think or broadcast that I am weaker after I have sex - instead of realizing that I am defining myself and my energy and my strength by my suppressed emotions and amount of thinking and depression and anger - and when it is released, I am loosing my motivation.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being motivated by suppression, by emotion, by anger, by depression - instead of realizing that these are of the past - and as I am defining myself by the past - I am still holding these systematic packages as who I am to defend myself from what is here - from what I have accepted and allowed to manifest within this existence - as one as equal as who I became within and as me.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from having sex with a woman because of the mind-fragment-replacements and mind-rejuvenartion and all of this bullshit what I have experienced in the past with different girls.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself special by defining that if I have sex with a girl then she will get mad because of the intense mind-energy what I release and my attitude towards the existence about actually how I experience myself within this reality.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define too much for other beings that as I am commited to self-realization and throw away anything and everything to be able to face what is really here.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be responsible for other being, especially for those who I have or had sex with.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what is sex and what is not, instead of just being moment as me as breath as me.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress sexual desire instead of being self-intimated and realize that I am desiring for being whole, for being myself, for being totally unified here and by hoping that I could find this within sexual expression with other beings, such as girls, women, then I rather would tend to seek sex instead of realizing that giving up desire is the common sense to be here who I am within and as the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change my world instead of realizing that this is already here, I can not change it, I have to face it as me as one as equal, but changing myself will change everything around me if I stabilize myself as moment as inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scratch my head, the skin on my head under my hair - as I am scratching my mind to access specific mind-memory areas to react specifically to the actual situations, instead of being aware of the situation, applying self-forgiveness and actually stop and remain inner silent as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a lot of money to be able to buy many musical instruments and being able to fly to SA instead of trusting me here and working and actually physically manifesting this to be able to explore.I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that when I want money, I want to escape from what is here, from where I am - instead of realizing the actual situation and directing it as me as one as equal here.

So this is actually possible to stop: the chewing up my mouth inside and the head-scratch. DO IT!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I considered to explore all levels of memory about participation in all possible layers of it - drugs, sex, emotions fears etc -- all shit - to peel and cut the connections as self-direction as self-forgiveness as self-corrective momentary explorative? stabilization as inner silence -- to stand up from my location as my physical name as self as one as equal as all life within oneness and equality: self-responsibility to remove myself as manifested illusion/dishonesty to birth life from the physical here.

I had several years with many visual eyes and energy shit of intended abuse of psychotic drugs and strong delusions by uncontrollable suppressions as well -- recently flashed back for moments quite intensely; so not yet transcended absolutely.

What is becoming obvious by pushing myself trough the spiderweb of my own(won) dishonesty is that: the process is to realize the stupidity of the participation within the process instead of stand up as life right here as this one breath. Because if the processor I am, then if no memory load/save then what to process in the next breath? And then one can realize that the next breath is not real - only this one - so the common sense is not that the processor is needed for keeping up the illusion of the unreal? So what if this breath is the last - and I am preparing for the next one - I am missing this one what is here - and then the starting point of my actual existence is being revealed - the 'what if-ness' as manifested self-doubt : this is what makes self not be here as breath.Then the next command should be breath and stop processing and breath and stop processing? and then breath when the stopping the process here is breathing the 'I', what makes the whole crap disappear and that's it, this is who I am, I am here.