(The man’s hand reaches out from under the table and snatches his leftover veal before the waiter can take it.

The waiter finishes cleaning up and exits with the carriage.
Loud sounds of chewing. A burp.

The man lifts up the tablecloth and tosses the bones out onto the floor)

WOMAN

It’s hot under here.

MAN

I find it quite peaceful.

WOMAN

Of course you do, you came.

MAN
I don’t see how the two are related.

(The woman lifts the tablecloth and crawls out.

She is wearing the man’s shirt.

She sits)

WOMAN

Are you coming out?

MAN

I was looking forward to the mousse..

WOMAN

Cut it out! The waiter’ll see.

MAN

(fluttering the tablecloth) I have a craving for something sweet…

WOMAN

That’s enough. I don’t want to come down again.

MAN

Well, I’m not ready to come up.

(The woman kicks him)

MAN

Ouch!

(The man hastily crawls out from under the table)

MAN

You’re gonna kick me once too often, and then –

WOMAN

And then…what?

(Pause.The man sits)

WOMAN

Maybe we should pick the bones up. The waiter might trip.

MAN

Why are you so concerned with the waiter?

WOMAN

He has your eyes.

MAN

Leave the bones there. Serves him right if he trips.

WOMAN

Quiet! He’ll poison your fruit cup.

MAN

(pause) Are we in love?

WOMAN

I don’t think that’s any of your business.

MAN

I’m curious.

WOMAN

(thinks) I find you attractive.

MAN

Physically?

WOMAN

Yes.

MAN

Anything else?

WOMAN

You turn me on.

MAN

Other than that.

(The woman shrugs)

MAN

Do you like the way I dress?

WOMAN

Yes.

MAN

The way I eat?

WOMAN

Not particularly.

MAN

My jokes?

WOMAN

Stale.

MAN

Lovemaking technique?

WOMAN

I didn’t know you had one.

MAN

I asked for this, didn’t I?

WOMAN

Yes.

MAN

(sighs) Politics?

WOMAN

Infantile.

MAN

Religious beliefs?

WOMAN

Naive.

MAN

Honesty is good for a relationship, right?

WOMAN

So they say.

MAN

Well, what about the way you eat?

WOMAN

What about it?

MAN

It’s nauseating.

WOMAN

Uh huh. My taste in art?

MAN

What taste?

WOMAN

Sexual prowess?

MAN

Slightly above average.

WOMAN

More specific.

MAN

7.5.

WOMAN

Almost worthwhile…

MAN

Hmm?

WOMAN

Almost worth putting up with me the rest of the time because I can get you hard.

MAN

I didn’t say that.

WOMAN

Why are you here, then?

MAN

It’s more than sex.

WOMAN

But it’s mostly sex.

MAN

Yes.

WOMAN

So, why are you here? You’ve had your fun; there’s no reason to stick around.

MAN

I like you.

WOMAN

Bathing in the afterglow?

MAN

I think you’re a very special person.

WOMAN

You’re begging for seconds, aren’t you?

MAN

(pause) I’m here because I’m here. And you’re here. And right now, I can’t think of a better place to be. You want me to make some eternal vow? You want me to pretend I only want you for your mind? You don’t know what you want! And I don’t know if I wanna marry you, screw you or throw you in a ditch somewhere. But if nothing else, we’re still here. Now either we can go; or we can sit here and try to understand what we have together. Even if it’s just a bad memory of a lousy restaurant, can’t we just…sit?

WOMAN

(pause) We can’t sit here forever.

MAN

Well, if you want…we could go back under the table.

WOMAN

You really are a pig.

MAN

I was kidding.

(The woman rises and collects her things)

MAN

Look, I’m sorry.

(The man grabs a water glass and splashes his own face)

WOMAN

Don’t apologize.

(The woman takes money out of her purse and tosses it onto the table)

MAN

You don’t have to –

WOMAN

Yes, I have to.

(The woman starts to unbutton the man’s shirt)

MAN

(helpless) Keep it.

WOMAN

(rebuttoning) Thank you.

(She moves to exit)

WOMAN

So long.

MAN

Do you like raspberry mousse?

WOMAN

(stops) What?

MAN

I love raspberry mousse. It’s very rich and incredibly sweet. But a little of it goes a long way. If you eat too much, you get sick. And if you eat it too often, you get tired of it. And you can order it a hundred times in a hundred different places, but it’s never as good as the first time you had it.

WOMAN

That’s why you can’t make mousse the meal. You order a whole dinner and hope the mousse tops it off.

MAN

But what if the meal stinks? What if the mousse is all there is?

(The waiter reappears carrying a bunch of grapes)

WOMAN

In other words.. we didn’t have a relationship, so much as a dessert?

MAN

That’s something, isn’t it? It’s not much, but it’s something.

WOMAN

(pause) You’re right. It’s not much.

(The woman exits.

The waiter approaches the man)

WAITER

YOUR FRUIT CUP. WE WERE OUT OF CUPS.

MAN

I don’t want it.

WAITER

Suit yourself.

(The waiter sets the grapes down and starts counting the money using touch, sound and smell)

MAN

How can you tell the difference between a single and a fiver?

WAITER

WHAT?

MAN

I SAID, HOW CAN YOU DISTINGUISH BETWEEN MONEY?

WAITER

IT’S AN ACQUIRED TRAIT. YOU GET A FEELING FOR WHAT HAS VALUE…

(The waiter gently ruffles a fiver and pockets it)

WAITER
AND WHAT’S COMPLETELY WORTHLESS.

(The waiter tears a one-dollar bill to shreds

and lets it fall to the floor)

MAN

DID YOU EVER MAKE A MISTAKE AND TEAR UP A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL?

WAITER

IF I DID, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

(The waiter eats a grape)

WAITER

DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?

MAN

(shocked) I…

WAITER

OH, COME ON! YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU?

MAN

If it’s any of your business, yes, I –

WAITER

WAS IT GOOD?

MAN

Who are you to –

WAITER

IT WAS GOOD, WASN’T IT?

MAN

Yes.

WAITER

NOT JUST DURING BUT AFTER, TOO.

MAN

Yes.

WAITER

SHE’S GONE NOW.

MAN

Yes.

WAITER

YOU’LL MISS HER.

MAN

(nods)

WAITER

BUT YOU’LL GET OVER IT.

MAN

(nods)

WAITER

AND IN TIME, YOU WILL ULTIMATELY REFER TO THIS AS A QUOTE-UNQUOTE “WORTHWHILE EXPERIENCE THAT HAD ITS MOMENTS.”

MAN

You –

(The man angrily lunges at the waiter’s cane.

The waiter pulls away just in time, and the man lands in a heap on the floor.

The waiter gives him a whack with the cane)

WAITER

THE TRUTH! IN SOME WAYS, YOU’RE EVEN GLAD TO BE RID OF HER.

MAN

Yes.

WAITER

BUT YOU’D TEAR THE HEART OUT OF YOUR CHEST TO HAVE HER BACK, WOULDN’T YOU?