Guilt.

And the death-inducing video plays itself over, and over, and over again.

So why did he have to rape me that night? Why did he have to tell me we'd be going to have some fun?

He was dating my mother, and I was just twelve.

Even now, I have limited trust in my boyfriend because of this.

I love him, he loves me, I'm certain. He claims to understand. I'm sure he does. He was raped too. Why is that I can't handle it and he can?

I was so vulnerable that night. Yelled at, beaten, raped, hurt.

Hurt. The physical pain is nothing in comparison.

I'd just like to be able to hug my perfect, absolute, lovely boyfriend without feeling so uneasy. Without seeing that man everywhere I go. My boyfriend doesn't deserve any of this. The fact that he's patient enough to stay with me shows his sheer perfection. And I'm so far from worth it.

There is no reason to feel guilty, no reason whatsoever. And your boyfriend is patient and loving because you do deserve it. Youre a good person, you didnt do anything wrong. Dont let the guilt consume you, that bastard that raped you isnt worth it.

Unfortunately bad things happen to good people. But dont let it destroy you, good things will also happen to you and you deserve all good things that come on your path.

I know how you feel...I don't know how to be with men either...without any fear...It takes time I guess. One step at a time. I can barely hug my female friends, it makes me feel too vulnerable and I've become so closed off from the world I can't imagine even having a boyfriend but it gives me hope because I see you have at least made that step. Stay strong.