Thoughts during the last two live Impacts

10th June 2012by maffew

The past few days I’ve been ill and decided to tweet random thoughts whilst viewing TNA’s good (for me) decision to have Impact go out live. Here they are, fresh from the Twitter-oven, my thoughts (with notes) on Impact 05/31 and 06/07…

I’m still ill, but Dixie Carter acting angry is getting me through the day. ”DON’T LOOK AT ME WITH THOSE EYES!”

Dixie Carter: ”They’ve thrown a big rock into a serene pond and the effect is long and wide” I AM HONESTLY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER RIGHT NOW (If you watch nothing else, for God’s sake watch Dixie starting the 2nd live show by going crazy.)

Dixie and AJ are supposed to be the babyfaces in a storyline built around them having an affair. This is awesome, even by TNA standards. (AJ thought he had it bad being partnered with Flair.)

The major ‘authority figures’ in wrestling today are Johnny Ace, Eve Torres, Dixie Carter, Hulk and Brooke Hogan. Read that and weep. (People then messaged me saying ”Have you forgotten about David Otunga?” to which I replied ”Yes.”)

Hogan: ”This is the ten year anniversary of Impact Wrestling, brother!” No it isn’t, you hot dog coloured crazy man.

Abyss as Penn Jillette is a good career move for him.

Impact wants to be a TV show rather than a wrestling show…despite the inability of most of their stars to EMOTE, never mind act. (Crimson had just done his ”I’m so good” speech, but just sounded like a foreigner who learnt his lines phonetically. He showed signs of improving on the mic a month ago and now he’s back to being a haircut.)

Impact can’t be a TV show because most shows white balance before they start filming. (IN TNA, EVERYONE IS FUCKING RED)

Dixie Carter’s husband is called Surge. This amuses me. (Is Surge a common US name? Because it sounds hilarious to me)

Crowd chants WE WANT TABLES during a contract signing. Even the crowd is hilariously awful. (”Look, it’s Buh Buh! We’d best chant that thing without thinking!”)

Joseph Park/Bully Ray is my favourite thing about TNA. No idea where it’s going, either. (Yes. Park’s character is fun to watch and Ray hasn’t been this good since he was asking mothers in the front row if they taught their daughters how to suck dick.)

Joey Ryan: ”I’m trending on Twitter!” SHUT UP YOU BAD WILL FERRELL CHARACTER. (All of Gut Check is awful and I have no idea what part is supposed to be entertaining…which makes it really fun to watch if you’re ill and everything is great because you’re off your tits on Lucozade)

Second best thing about Impact: Robbie T’s sweater. (OH MY GOD IT WAS BEAUTIFUL)

Hogan’s voice-breaking: Third best thing about Impact. (It broke like my knee when I wrestled my couch that one time, Brother.)

Jeff Hardy: The Forgotten Muppet.

I wonder how many cats had to die for Hogan’s hair. My guess: Nine.

Hogan stumbling over his point for about a minute is going in the next Botchamania, you betcha. (This was the new ”Right Gay Guy” moment for Hogan. He’s the main authority figure in TNA too, so he’s going to be all over the mic this summer. Thank you God.)

Kaz and Samoa Joe must have a bet on who can have the worst haircut for the longest time. (I hope his haircut isn’t a permanent thing. Or maybe it’s part of the Daniels storyline and Kaz is just gradually becoming Daniels? One day two Daniels (D ‘n’ D?) will just emerge from backstage to defend their tag belts and Tenay/Taz won’t even blink.)

Hernandez vs. Kid Kash is apparently happening on the PPV. Neither were mentioned on Impact. (I had no idea Kash was still under contract.)

Mike Tenay: ”Sting gave Hogan control of TNA so Sting could concentrate on being a wrestler.” DAMN YOU HOGAN.

Tazz:”Brooke Hogan debuts tonight! She’s a spitfire! This is exciting!”

Mike Tenay: ”Text and Tweet your friends that Impact is live tonight!” I ALWAYS TEXT MY FRIENDS ABOUT TNA

Joseph Park shown in the crowd with soda and popcorn = MANY BUYS.

Aries and Joe are feuding because Aries accidentally sprayed Joe with a tiny amount of water. THIS IS AWESOME (To explain: Aries was squirting water onto his hair before his match with Sabin in the Gorilla Position. Joe was walking past and got some sort-of on him. After tweeting this, some maroon told me to stop splitting hairs about feuds.)

Impact is apparently the highest rated show on Challenge TV. Not as manly as Unbeatable Banzuke though. (I love Banzuke. It’s very impressive whilst being stupid as hell at the same time.)

If TNA wants to sell out London again, they need to cross-promote/appease Challenge TV and get a Banzuke Brian cameo appearance.

Brooke Hogan inherited her Father’s good looks. (Obligatory appearance of this image, courtesy of Wrestling Memes on Facebook)

Trying to figure out who has the worst mohawk…Samoa Joe or Seanbaby (Seanbaby keeps on coming up on suggested links for me, which isn’t very nice.)

AND THEN I STOPPED CONCENTRATING ON THE SHOWS WHEN THEY SHOWED TAZ SAT DOWN IN THE ‘GUT CHECK’ (YEAH, I KNOW I KNOW) SEGMENTS AND WE COULD SEE HOW FAT HE IS.

Highlights of the Gut Check segments: Seeing how fat Taz is now. THE HUMAN SUBWAY MACHINE.

SolidGoldCEO – You make it sound like a literal gut check with somebody poking Tazz’s belly (preferably while going “oink” with each poke)

Taz is nearly as wide as he is tall now. He must hear ”Eat The Sub, Eat The Sub” in his head all day.

And that was that. Impact Wrestling is now my favourite weekly wrestling show to watch because it follows my principles of ‘Enjoy it when it’s good and laugh at it when it’s bad’ because as good as Sabin vs. Aries and Daniels vs. Styles were, they weren’t half as entertaining as Carter, Hogan and Hogan.

I don’t have a ‘beef’ with him, he was simply not entertaining to me (along with everything else involved in Gut Check). I like him elsewhere, but here…did I cheer for him even though he was arrogant? Did I boo the judges, except they mostly treated him like Hardcore Holly? Everything was bad and then he brought up Twitter.

Botch at the Beach

I don’t know if you could find a way to use this but I thought you’d find it funny anyway

The trailer for “Dark Knight Rises” has again made me question what popular movie character/trend of today will Sting start patterning himself after 3 years from now once they’re outdated and irrelevant? I think in 2014 he’ll start carrying a bow since archery is all the rage with the kids today. You’ve got Hunger Games, The Avengers, Brave, the identical scenes of Emily Blunt and Will Ferrell getting tagged in the leg by a crossbow that keep getting used in the trailers for whatever those movies are. While it doesn’t logically follow the Crow/Joker trend of “the thing that every douchebag and their brother is going to be for the next 4 Halloweens”, I think it’s an early frontrunner.

Surge is not a common name, but Sergio does come up, and often shortened to Serg, especially if you’re in Tennesee and marry Dixie Carter.

It also helps if you’re really into country music, have a semi-failed singing career because you’re just not “white enough” for the rednecks who love the genre, and end up having to sing half of Mickie James’ theme for your wife’s wrestling company because it’s either that, or hoping one of the guys in Rascal Flatts decides to quit or dies or something…

TheRealCitizenSnips

I love it. Tazz’s feet don’t touch the ground when he sits in a chair.

Mel.

I think the fact that we’ve got a banner ad for what I’m guessing is a gay slap-ass and rough-house site–THUNDERSARENA.COM–riding shotgun on the margins of Botchamania central merits an honorable mention for “Most Unintentionally Fitting Thing to See on a Popular Internet Wrestling Site.”

And I’m not kidding in the least. It might just be the Seanbaby mention, but doing a double-take at some nickel-click advertisement while surfing a page who proudly caters to a nerdy online niche takes me back to the halcyon days of Something-Awful and X-Entertainment… that moment where their respective webmasters went “Wait… we can actually make six times as much cash featuring porny promo stuff than we can with our current ‘sponsors?’ DO THAT NOW”

I think it’s spelled “Serge,” unless I’m mistaken. Possibly “Serj” if you’re the lead singer of System of a Down.

And yeah, wow…never actually seen Brooke Hogan outside of a magazine cover and…um…yikes…I guess maybe Hogan and Chyna had a couple of late-night weightlifting sessions?

Mr. McMahon

The Human Souffle Machine, here to judge your future in the biz alongside the Head-less (never was a) Horseman, and Brother got me my job Love. Nepotism got Brucie his employment, but he dogs an indy worker for having a 12-year career.

As much as I love the botchamania videos, commentary like this has become my favorite you do. I still can’t stop laughing over the Otunga comment.

Andrew Hernandez

I agree with the principle “Enjoy it if it’s good, and laugh at it when it’s bad.”

I would rather be entertained by good wrestling than by the stupid non wrestling segments. Joey Ryan is a very good wrestler, and there’s nothing Will Ferrel about him. (No high pitched whine.) While some of the wrestlers do suck, the others are doing a lot better than they seem to get credit for, and I’m not gonna laugh at their efforts if they’re not half assing it out there.

emaleadreth

I think it’s “Serge” as in “Sergio”. Gut check is so horrible and unnecessary. “EAT ME IF YOU CAN”, hahahaha.