Why Loneliness Is a Trap and How to Break Free

Loneliness is a personal and subjective experience, one which is defined not by the quantity of our relationships but by their subjective quality. Not all lonely people live in isolation. A person might have many friends around them or live with a partner, yet still feel the deep ache of emotional or social isolation (read Are You Married but Lonely here).

For some of us, loneliness begins gradually. One friend moves away, another has a child, a third works a seventy hour work week, and before we know it the social circle that had sustained us in the past ceases to exist and we find ourselves spending most of our weekends alone. For others, loneliness is a result of life transitions such as leaving for college, enlisting in the military, losing a partner to death or divorce, starting a new job, retiring and losing the daily company of collegues and associates, or moving to a new town or country.

How Loneliness Entraps Us

Loneliness fosters a self-defeating psychology that makes it difficult to escape its clutches. Complicating matters, lonely people are likely to encounter a variety of societal responses that marginalize them even further. The longer our loneliness lasts, that more challenging it can be to break the mindsets and judgments (both ours and others’) that contribute to maintaining our isolation. Specifically:

1. Loneliness impacts our perceptions such that we are likely to view our existing relationships more negatively and pessimistically. We assume people aren’t interested in our company and that if we reach out to them they will reject us and turn us down. As a result we take little initiative and find excuses to turn down invitations when we do get them.

2. Our negativity and reluctance to give our friends the benefit of the doubt creates a self-fulfilling prophecy in which our own reactions and avoidance pushes them away even further. Because we remain blind to our part in creating the distance, we see their withdrawal as confirmation of our fears and become even more convinced they no longer care about us.

3. Loneliness is very visible to others who are likely to label us as less interesting and less appealing as social prospects. This stigma, combined with the negativity and suspicion we might project in social situations makes it challenging for us to establish new social and romantic connections.

4. Loneliness is contagious. Studies of social networks found that over time, lonely people ‘infect’ those around them such that they too become pushed to the periphery of their social networks (read more about loneliness and contagion here). As a result, our remaining friends and social contacts might provide diminishing opportunities for social connection.

5. The more socially and emotionally isolated we are the more our social skills and relationship ‘muscles’ tend to atrophy. Skill sets often weaken when unused and our ability to connect and relate can easily get rusty after a period of isolation. If things go badly when we try to use these ‘muscles’ we don’t attribute the failure or rejection to our skill sets being rusty but see it as further evidence of our fundamental undesirability.

How to Break Free of Loneliness

In order to emerge from our loneliness we have to do several things, all of which involve taking a leap of faith in one form or another.

1. Take initiative. If you’re socially isolated, consider volunteering, doing community service, or an activity you enjoy, as these are good ways to meet people. In addition, try going through your phone and email address books as well as your Facebook and other social media contacts and make a list of people you haven’t seen or spoken to for a while. Don’t psych yourself out and tell yourself they’re not interested. Instead:

2. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Once you’ve compiled your list of friends and acquaintances, reach out to one of them each day. Yes, they might not have been in touch for a while or returned your phone call from two months earlier but give them the benefit of the doubt. Invite them to have coffee, a drink, or even a catch-up on the phone and you’ll be surprised by how many of them will happily make plans—especially if you remember to:

3. Approach people with optimism. It’s perfectly normal to fear rejection, but you have to get yourself in the right frame of mind when you contact people so the vibe you put out is positive and inviting (rather than overly cautious and uninviting). Getting into a positive head-space is also important when you contact people on line. Emoticons can be very useful. “How have you been? :)” is much more appealing than “Haven’t heard from you in two months, wanna get together?”

The bottom line is that you have to recognize your loneliness for what it is—a trap that requires effort, bravery, and a leap of faith to escape. Freedom will be sweet once you do.

I wanted to relate my own personal experiences with loneliness. I'm sure many of those who would directly relate to this article are predominately very introverted. I am too, and I usually prefer spending time alone as opposed to with others. But sometime last year I noticed I was starting to drink a lot most nights, alone. After a while, it dawned on me I wasn't drinking because it was fun, but because I was so lonely. It was a way to not have to confront those feelings and it kept me occupied. It's ironic, though, because once in the loneliness trap I push people away by never accepting their offers to hang out, thus losing my few opportunities at connections in life, which I feel are very desperately lacking for me. The problem is that of the people I do hang out with, none of them connect with me on a real level. They don't know ME. They know ABOUT me. So I avoid having to be around people when I know there's no chance of getting beyond the surface. It's just tedious to be around people like that and a waste of time.

I have realized maybe the only way to overcome my kind of loneliness (which comes and goes. Is gone at the moment) and to feel connected to people at the same time, is to be of service to others. Volunteering, showing compassion, helping someone do something, going out of your way to show someone they're valuable are all ways I think the loneliness can be curbed to a great degree. But, like the article states, getting out of the trap and actually taking the steps to do all that are the biggest hurdles.

I agree with this comment, particularly not being able to find people to connect with at more than a superficial level. The solutions offered by the article suggest that it is a fault of the lonely person, but maybe there is a question for society, where many of us aren't really living our lives to any depth, favouring tv, and other distractions?

I really agree with you that the lonely person is not at fault, and ultimately there are much larger societal forces at play (e.g. technological changes, increasing pace of life, more transitions - people move around a lot more nowadays; you often don't get consistent, frequent interaction with another person - which is crucial for building intimacy).

Technology is a big factor, I think. Just one example: During breaks in class (I'm a post-secondary student), I notice that 90% of my fellow students are glued to their devices (smart-phones, tablets, etc.) and hardly paying any attention to the people around them. This is hardly a welcoming environment in which to forge connections...neither are the booze-fueled, noisy parties that seem better for hooking up than anything else. That is how I feel, anyway, as a mature student (in my late twenties) at university. It can get pretty isolating, but I have my studies to keep me going and the occasional meet-up with a friend or two once in a while.

I can very much relate to your comment. Especially with the drinking and having opportunities to hang out but pushing them away. I don't know why but it sometimes gives me anxiety to make plans. Sometimes I stop and realize a few days have gone by without even hearing a friend or family member's voice. Strange thing is it's like a dead-end, like I don't know how to break the cycle. And , like you, it comes and goes but being this way comes too often and is all too familiar. I'm at the bar right now, drinking alone. And when I'm ready to leave I'm going to get beer to take home, where I will be also drinking alone. I know your post is 3 years old so you may not see this, but I stumbled upon it trying to self-help. I wonder how you're doing now?

The ways listed in the article to beat the odds against loneliness are very logical ways to get over the illness. People affected by loneliness just have to take the initiative and put the work in to beat loneliness.

I enjoyed this (and love the subject), but I cannot help but wonder...

If loneliness is in many ways subjective, aren't the "negative" effects of it also subjective? What if it's not so bad to be lonely? Especially since loneliness is often considered part of the human condition by many.

What if part of breaking free from loneliness is changing how we feel about it? Maybe much of the suffering behind loneliness is all the negativity behind it (i.e. thinking "No one likes me", "No one gets me", "I'll never find a true friend", "Without friends, there's no point to doing anything", "Everyone else's social life is better/fuller/happier than mine", "Being alone is bad for my health - I'm doing to die prematurely, and completely alone and miserable with no one to prevent rats from gnawing on my remains", etc).

What if, rather than trying to remove loneliness from our existence, we see it as not necessarily being a trap that we have to break free from? Is it good to accept and even welcome our lonely feelings (as in mindfulness)?

Just some thoughts I was curious about....but, it's possible I am simply trying to feel better about my "lone wolf"-like ways! :)

The suggestions in this article do not work, what's more is it (the article) makes people who are already lonely (not fitting in) miserable. First of all, reaching out to people does not work well many times because the mentality in Western societies is that you "want something" from them by reaching out, especially if you've been out of touch for any length of time. And as far as loneliness being infectious? I can't relate to this at all because by virtue of you saying this, no one would reach out to anyone who's lonely?

Dr. Winch, you describe the trap of loneliness with startling clarity. However, your three suggestions about breaking free of the trap may be too general compared to the complexity of the trap you described. Wouldn't your three suggestions work better within a strategy of volunteering to help human beings in other kinds of trouble?

I officially realized that I was "lonely" a few weeks ago. I used to be very socially inclined and fun-loving. This article helped me realize how gradual lonliness hits you. Then one day you wake up and realized that most of your friends are gone. It's so true.

I recently lost my job on top of losing my social network. I don't have family.I no longer have marketable skills and I'm single. As such, there isn't a valid reason for me to continue my life.

Unfortunately, sometimes things get worse and stay that way. I hope no one else ends up like me. I let lonliness ruin my life to the point where it will never recover. Of course this didn't happen over night. It happen over years.

However, I would hate for someone else to go through what I'm going through. Don't let your life get so bad that suicide becomes on the only viable option.

Like many other pages I have read, the suggestion to make a list and contact them always makes me laugh. Don't you get it? That the loneliness and social isolation we are experiencing is because we have very few friends. The other day after the Pride Parade in Vancouver, which I was in with my local school board, one friend asked what I did after. I said I went by myself to a pub near my place for a beer. She asked why didn't I call someone. I told her, 'you are out of town and 'John' is sleeping after partying all night'. And that completes my list of people to contact. I've talked to her before about it but even she is not getting it.
Yes there are people I 'know': people in my building, but mostly all we talk about is issues in the building. Coworkers who are just that - co workers.

"Unfortunately, sometimes things get worse and stay that way. I hope no one else ends up like me. I let lonliness ruin my life to the point where it will never recover. Of course this didn't happen over night. It happen over years."

The real suffering is if I feel a so few close friends becauseI am unloveable-that something is wrong with me.If I can feel others are in the same situation and see them as lovely people then I feel less exposed and sort of ashamed.Also,if I can feel it can change...I can have a time of close,intimate friendships again....that ispossible-that helps..if I can feel that...not just make myself think it!

I think I understand your comment, but as hard as it is, acceptance seems to be the model for feeling content because the fact of anyone's situation is a result of collective karma. Meditation should help too, it always opens up opportunities.