STOKES 113S — Reportedly thinking that she was just going to casually change things up a bit, Allison Linus (MCAS ‘19) accidentally caused a catastrophic disruption to the space-time continuum Tuesday afternoon when she sat in a different seat than she had been sitting in during the first two weeks of her 1:30PM Courage to Know class. Consequently, her class has been stuck experiencing an endless temporal loop of the same discussion on alcohol, the hookup culture, and mood swings caused by Mac’s hopelessly dry chicken since yesterday. Experts are giving the victims of this disaster a 0% chance of ever escaping the classroom.

While Linus was unavailable for comment because she is still trapped in Stokes 113S due to the aforementioned rupture she caused in the very fabric of our universe, her bestie and roommate Kelly McKelly (CSON ‘19) called Linus a “free-spirit,” a “risk-taker,” and “someone who is always eager to make new friends.” Unfortunately, it seems that these very characteristics are what drove the freshmen to trap herself, her classmates, her teacher’s assistants, her professor, and her professor’s new puppy into a tear in spacetime that they will be trapped in forever.

“If there even is a Heaven, no one trapped in that classroom will be going there,” said Fr. Tommy O’Lawler, SJ. “Those poor souls will forever be stuck in the purgatory of spacetime, all because some 19-year-old girl thought it would be cute to break one of the most important unwritten rules of the universe. Makes me sick to my stomach.”

If a moral could be drawn from this selfish and preventage tragedy, Fr. O’Lawler reported to finding solace in his hoping that this incident will serve as a didactic tale for years of Eagles to come: “Never, ever fuck with the feng shui of a classroom hitting its stride into the thick of the semester—ever.”

At press time, the one student who ditched Courage to Know that afternoon to smoke a bowl behind Shaw House has “never been more thankful for that sweet, dank kush.”