2.28.2011

When you pray for understanding you are saying,"Lord, I submit myself to your wisdom. I do not and cannot know these things without your help. I acknowledge your sovereignty and submit myself wholly to your guidance."

When you ask the Lord for healing-for yourself or for someone else-you are not begging and certainly not ordering a healing from God. You are acknowledging by word and deed, I could go so far as to say, by faith, accepting and admitting your need. Placing yourself and others into the active working will of God."Lord, I acknowledge the need for your activity in this situation. I cannot bring this healing. If it comes- when it comes- for ultimately all death and disease will end in complete wholeness in your name...You alone will be praised as the author and administer of peace. I fully submit my body, wants, and wills to your care knowing that you alone secure my fate."

If you believe that God is in control and willing for you to have goodness with Him and in Him, then you cannot pray in a position of begging or ordering.You need not beg, for His desire is always for you and your best.You need not order as it goes without saying that you do not order God. And, believing in His sovereignty you need not feel the burden of ordering either angels n your behalf or enemy forces on His. He can take care of these details. He will. He does.

Your prayer humbles all lofty designs and ideals dwelling in your own realm and places them firmly and decidedly into His.

All this- all of it- can be taken to a different level entirely when we talk about thankfulness. A prayer of thanks-and that given in faith- is truly the all encompassing boundary of prayer. To center yourself in a prayer-circle of praise born of thanks is to say,"Lord thank you for your completion. Thank you for encircling me in your wholeness. Thank you for your peace that passes all my understanding. I fully accept it now. Thank you."

Sidenote....You may be given the gift of warfare. You may be given the gift of boundless faith. You may believe that God puts on you and in you the ability to relentlessly accost the enemy and pound it into submission. You believe that God supplies the might through your words or faith or prayers. You may believe that you have within you the bottomless pools of divine reliance. You look to God believing that He wields His power according to His good measure and your place is to walk in His strength, rising up in His name. Sometimes these two ways of thought are completely interchangeable.Even typing them out I see that, depending on your mood, you might just find this paragraph absurdely redundant.If you are nodding in the affirmative then you might need to go read parts one and two of this prayer sequence. (ugh...the thought that I even have a three part is annoying)

Ok so if you read those then you might see that I have a problem with prayer as warfare.I want to say it is unnecessary. But I cannot say that. yet.I just don't get it. I don't feel like it is for me. It makes me feel very stressed out. I think it pumps some people up. I also get stressed out by the thought of singing songs to people to bless them. There are people out there that are totally called to just such a position in the name of God. Praise Him in all His goodness that I am not one of those. Sheesh I get chills (as in heebyjeebies not goosebumps) just thinking of such things.So when I did warfare I felt like David in Saul's armor. The size of the weapons made me completely inadequate for the task at hand. I need less stuff. Less words. (quit laughing)I see that there are some out there that fit the armor quite nicely.I just want to say it again and again and again...freedom. I want to bless you to do what you need to do in the name of Jesus. And I want, want, want, to feel the freedom to do the same.So I promise to try and quit thinking about how unnecessary your war prayers are. And you quit thinking that I am lazy for not engaging the enemy and kickin butt. k?

Back to those thankfulness prayers.Did you ever see Mad magazine back in the day? They always had this picture on the back that was pointed in its own way but if you folded it in half in a certain way where the arrows matched up you would see this entirely new picture.Yeah. I think prayers of thanks are like that.You, as a thankful believer, get to reach across time and space and pull God's reality into touch with your perception. Another way to look at it...you get to step across all the begging and the whining and the ordering and pounding and all the other stuff right into the very gates of God.Remember the scripture...I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart....What if that is like the keys to the kingdom??!"Thank you God" = step right on in.New picture entirely.Our readiness to accept His will and thank Him for everything gives us a pretty cushy dwelling place within the city gates of the Almighty.Thank you Jesus. All done.

You know I am totally bogus when I say I don't pray. I do. I ask Him for stuff.I asked Him to fix my dryer this morning. (Does it count if I don't care if He does it or not?)I would like to not pay for a new one. But I am fine with a new one if that is what He has in mind. It would be better if He just sent one. Or if He just fixed the one I have. That is wayyy easier.So I prayed. I guess it is just that it is "dude...dryer..." quick shoulder shrug. done.

Pretty much so simple that it feels illegitimate. And I find that my "wants" just take such a backseat to His desires for me.I would rather He have His way than give me my own.

There is this great scene at the end of Pollyanna, Where the townspeople are gathered to pray for her on her sickbed and the preacher (I think?) says something to the effect of "Lord we ask you to leave her here with us but if you decide to take her then you had better help us understand why."I love that scene.I love it because the guy is being so very real about what he wants. And he is trusting that God is in control whichever way it goes. And he is unafraid to tell God his heart. It seems like resignation. And I guess it is. But it feels so trusting. The two can be one in the same I guess.

So when reading all these scriptures listed for "prayer" it seems that they speak of different activities. Wishes, asking, drawing near, to name a few.Some prayers seem to draw another person near to God. To raise them up, so to speak.Some seem to be spoken like you would say "my wish...or desire...for you".Some seems to be listening and waiting.Sometimes for ones self, often times for others.There are some (and they are few) like Col 4:3 that make me think spiritual warfare. At least when you look at this scripture alone...and in this version.Col 4:3And making prayer for us, that God may give us an open door for the preaching of the word, the secret of Christ, for which I am now in chains; (BBE)It seems that you are praying to make a way. To back off the forces of the enemy? Making a way for God to be able to open a door.

But if you look at a different version...NIV"...And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message,..."This seems to be asking the reader to ask God for something for him. A petition on his behalf. And why is that necessary?If they are spreading the Word won't God make that way for them?Are they addressing something in the Hebrew mindset that existed on certain traditions and regulations in regard to how they approached God?Could we say it really is all this simple... Prayer is talking to God.All these scriptures are references from one Christian brother to another asking to be remembered. "Oh and when you are in prayer (assuming that Christian brothers do have an active talking and listening time with Father) would you talk some about me?"

Because you don't want to say "Oh, wish me luck as I go out and preach tomorrow".

So you say pray for me. Is that it?

Why does the church have to make it so complicated?Is it like when you get a new bookcase and you can see plain as day that the long pieces stand up and the short pieces go across and the little metal things stick in the holes to hold the shelves up.But you get a six page booklet in three languages telling you to put peg A into hole B at intervals of no less that three inches (cuz that is where the holes are placed) and make sure that plank C and plank D have their holes facing in (because otherwise...duh...you couldn't put the shelves on).Is that it?Because that makes me sound so stinkin arrogant like I have it all figured out and the bible is for beginners. And I SO don't mean that.It just seems that prayer is taught so complicated.And it is so simple.And the great and funny thing about it is that you can do it so many ways it would make your head spin. (and sometimes it does...heheheh)You can shout and jump up and down and mumble and sing and sit and stand on your head and hula and cry and all those things that I have taught my kids countless times.You don't have to bow your head or close your eyes or even say amen. Gasp!So I do believe in prayer.Makes me chuckle tho. I wonder if God was addressing this issue when He instructed to go into the closet."Quit talking so much about how you do it. Just doesn't matter. Get er done. "

I have heard people talk ad nauseam about having a "rich prayer life" and all it ever did was make me neurotic.

The words of Jesus say (and I know there is tons of teaching on this already but here is my take)

Father in heavenmay your name be kept holymy wish is for your will to be done hereand your kingdom to reign herelike it does up there (I like how you do things)thank you in advance for the bread and stuff you give me todayfor today is all you have promised (as it is the day where you dwell)and thank you in advance for forgiving me.i am going to make a point to forgive the ones that wrong me today and be really glad that you are doing the sameand again, thank you for keeping out of the bad stuff I tend to want to get into.I am saying this in advance knowing that you are on top of it.oh, and if I am to believe some of the translations...It's all about you dude! Thanks again.

2.24.2011

I am not the me you know...or used to know. (I bet you have been suspecting this already.) I have been called a prayer warrior. I used to be ok with that. Now? Notsomuch.

I pray...but not like I used to. Honestly, I just don't believe in it anymore. I tell God all my stuff. We talk. But I don't beg him for stuff. Not for healings. Not for guidance. Not for interference.

I can't do that and believe He is who He says He is.

This may sound horrible. "You don't ask God to guide you?"

Well, I do ask Him that. I do. You are right. I should not have said that. But I used to believe that I had to consult him in serious "prayer" before I did anything. Now I ask Him. And I trust Him. And I go on with my day.

If He is in complete control, and aware and in the middle of my every deed and thought...then why should I beg Him to guide, guard and direct me? I think He is already on top of that.

So you might say, "well what about the part where your words change the very atmosphere. What about joining with God in making His will be done...Kingdom come and all that."

Spiritual warfare. That is what we are talking about right? Ok.

Listen, I am not coming off of what I said before. I do think you are called to war sometimes. But what the heck are you doing? Forces of evil and all that. Spiritual warfare. I get it. I attended all the classes. I have read the books. Not for me. Not anymore.

I want you to remember that war used to be good for me. Or I believed that it was. I have participated in many a war dance. I have literally spun circles around and on top of enemy forces. I have slapped the walls of a church building. I have opened unseen doors between the pews to allow the church goers to get out and dance in the isles. I have prayed with words that ordered movements of heavenly forces to block enemy forces from every conceivable type of mischief imaginable. I have claimed healings and ordered healings. I have felt that as a daughter of the King I oughtta be about wielding my Fathers power often and with might. I just don't do those things anymore.

Now I tend to run to God. Like...every time. Before I try anything else. Instead of trying anything else. I just run.

Running scared? Maybe. But it doesn't feel like fear. If it was fear I would still tremble from my safety spot. But I don't. I feel like..."whew! God you got it. I am so thankful!"

Then there are times when the enemy waltzes into my house. And I'm all "dude...back OFF" In the name of Jesus.

But it feels so simple. And this IS easy.

(That is not saying that there aren't different levels of warfare... maybe some are more difficult than others.)

The simplicity comes in the fact that I fully get that this is not up to me. I get to stand up for myself and not be a victim, but the power behind the punch comes from the big Papa standing behind me. I seriously see the picture that I am a wee little pup all snarly and “fierce” getting all excited that my bark backed off he enemy. And if you pull back the camera to wide angle you see that behind me is this enormous drooling beast that will chomp any enemy and not even have to swallow if they dare mess with his pup. So when the enemy runs scared it is because of the enormity of my backup...not the fierceness of my bark. Lets just say that God (the big Dog) has given me this yard to protect. All that is within my home is my yard...my territory. The enemy is going to come calling. Yes, he is. And I am going to protect my yard. Bark-barkety-bark. Big Dog is standing right there. (He doesn't ever leave ya know.) Not ever.

Get this....His presence is what moves the enemy. I can bark. Or I can go sit behind Big Dog. Either way...the enemy backs off. I bark because He told me I could. Man it feels good. I used to think that it took lots of barking. I am beginning to realize more and more that I can just stand there and when that enemy gets aloada Who is sitting on the porch they are not coming any closer. Period.

Sometimes the enemy is just stupid enough to cross that fence. And I think that my Source

(Big Dog...in case you forgot) lets me get a big juicy mouthful of the part that came over the fence last.

He lets me feel the rush. He smiles knowing how good that felt. I love that He lets me play. But I know that all He has to do is raise an eyebrow and that idiot that crossed the fence will go flying back over.

So (back to human) I can say “dude back OFF, in the name of Jesus”. It feels great to have defended my territory but I know who really did the fighting. Simple, right?!

Maybe it is a "wax on-wax off" kind of thing. The moves are simple. Learn to trust and respond in very basic ways and you will be ready when the bigger hits come. I don't know.

I do know that my protection is not about making sure that I have done all the right things and said all the right words to keep myself safe. That is how it used to be when I was figuratively putting on the armor and feeling all the anxiety about the helmet not fitting right or a hole in the breastplate of righteousness.

Sheesh. I would just be a mess after armor donning. Nothing left to battle with. Like David in Saul's duds.

I do better with a rock and a sling and a BIIIIG God. I throw my rocks but it is God alone that plots the trajectory. Make sense?

Can I be there? Do I need to shut up to do that? Just shut up and fling rocks. Probably. I philosophize too much. That is for dang sure. (and by that I mean that I use too many words for such a simple thing)

Did Saul need his armor? I don't know!!! Maybe he did. Maybe he was a warrior and maybe I am not. Can I be ok with that? (philosophizing again) Maybe, and please don't hate me for this implication, but maybe.....just maybe Saul could have done more damage with less metal and more pebbles. Hmmmm.....

Some warriors...some rock flingers. ok.

About that armor.. I have been reading about it again in the Word...I really do not think it is about acquiring all these pieces and assembling them into a cohesive wall that you put around you. I think that it is a reminder that these things are available to you...as a Christian...reminding you that these are the things that protect you and that you can rely on them. It says "put on the full armor"...does it mean what I used to think?...grab it and strap it and shine it and belt it...no I don't think so.

I think that it means know it, acknowledge it, rely on it, use it. Use your faith, righteousness, truth. Use your gift...the Spirit of God! At the end..."take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God and pray in the Spirit on all occasions."

I think it is encouragement for me to not be a victim. I guess that there are some warrior spirits (maybe such as yourself) that need that to be a bit more aggressive. Maybe they are made with an inner thread that calls for head butting and saber rattling in order to feel the vitality of life. Maybe they neeeed to strap on that armor in a very physical way to feel accomplished. More action forward. Maybe it is just fine to read that scripture both...or a hundred different ways.

I am just saying that it does not mean to me what it used to. It is now more affirmative. More empowering. More faith building. These things are gifts from my Father. My righteousness can be full of holes but He gives me His. My truth knows it part...His sees the whole picture...

So have we established that I do still believe in that "war" part? I know that I seem to waffle a bit. I hope that I have somehow said that war is necessary and I know that we play different parts. I even know that I have a part to play in that war. But I think it takes a lot less words than I used to.

I used to really carry a heavy burden thinking that I needed to say the right words to carry out the heavenly plan.

I used to feel the weight of my faith...or lack of it. The weight of my faith in this sense was not the weight of His glory or the weight of His presence. It was not even the weight of His Spirit for action. It was just weight. (think back to the little pup/big Dog picture. The weight of my faith was like little pup actually believing that the bark was the catalyst for change or that silence meant enemy encroachment. )

I used to feel a guilt (even tho I could not have identified it) when "Gods will" was not carried out by the players involved. I used to feel like the enemy was running rampant and it was up to me (and others) to hold him back lest God's Kingdom be held bound and captive.

I do not feel that way anymore.

I guess the most words I use are directed to the universe (not in an astrological sense...) I tell the universe to back off in the name of Jesus. But I only do that if I feel led to do it. It doesn't happen very often. When my kids are sick...I thank the Lord for providing healing. Then I direct their bodies to line up with it. I tell the enemy to back off and I tell my lovie to be assured that God has this all under control. When people around me are in dire straights...I talk to God about my stress in it and I direct them (not out loud or even in their presence) to open their eyes to the presence of God in their midst.

Even that sounds like too strong in words. I don't tell anyone anything.

I don't tell God what to do or beg Him to do His best for me.

I just trust that He will.

And when I can't trust it I let Him know about how it really rips that He isn't doing things like I would have them done...and then I sometimes remember that He knows more than I do and maybe I should trust that. :-)

So, I just don't have much to say these days. Then again...I guess I do say a bunch...I just don't say it out loud.

Don't for one instant think I think your war way is wrong or bad. Nope. (ok, well maybe sometimes)

Just different. I could sit and listen to you pray...and I could stand in agreement with your need. But I do things differently these days. That is all.

You may hear some disappointment and disillusionment in my words.

But not in God. I am disappointed and disillusioned by all that I have seen and participated in in regards to "Godly" things and theology in the past 15 years. I do not really throw it all away because I know that it was vital to my growing. I learned a ton.

And actually, I am wrong to say "all" of it has left me flat. Not all...but so much!

I have found, in God, a trust. Peaceful. Astonishing at times. Magnificent.

And it is all about me at the very same time as it has nothing to do with me at all. It is there. And I get to participate. It has been given to me as a gift. And it is delightful.

It = trust.

When I look back to that last part of my life I find a woman in great turmoil. Now in fairness we could say that maybe she would have been in turmoil anyway. We could even say that this turmoil was necessary to her survival as it was often times a direct result of old woulds being reopened and cleaned in order for true healing to take place. Healing hurts. A Lot! But it is so much better on this side. So hear me well...I am not discounting all that.

You might wonder what this previous turmoil has to do with warfare and my part in it. I believed in warfare then. I was in turmoil then. Was the warfare necessary to come through the turmoil? Or did the warfare cause or increase the turmoil that was already present. I don't know.

I can tell you how it made me feel. When my world seemed to be crashing and my emotions were taking turns riding the rollercoaster of insanity it felt good to rail against unseen forces and whoop my war cries as I flailed about in my angst. It felt great in fact. I felt like I was accomplishing something. I felt powerful. It was intoxicating. And addictive. It also wore me out. I felt accosted all the time. I felt neurotic. I felt suspicious. When I wasn't hollering I was wailing. I was constantly asking God about that peace He promised. I couldn't seem to find much of it.

Now, my life is not in turmoil. I feel at peace. Maybe you would say that the previous war brought on a season of peace. Maybe you would be right. I don't know.

What I do know is that I walk through my day with the knowledge that I am completely covered. I don't have to fight for it, beg for it, order it or even claim it. It has been given to me. I acknowledge it. I accept it. I can rest completely. My everyday prayers are like conversation. Peaceful conversation. And even when I get heated I get it out and receive peace in return for my trust.

And just sometimes (but I suspect the enemy whispers) it feels like I am a big slacker and not doing anything. Cuz I wonder if it is true that there is a difference in "feeling" between the everyday prayer and the "bedroom" prayer. You know? Eating breakfast with your sweetie vs strawberries in front of the fire. But then I don't worry so much about that. Cuz I get both. But it is hardly ever big and blubbering like it has been in the past. But that was definitely a season. And may come again. I mean...I cried all the time then. About everything. And I am not there now. So is this making sense?

(I realize that I am lumping warfare prayers in with bedroom prayers here. Both of those being prayers that are full of passion and words and big emotional drama. I don't have any problem with drama. I am just trying to establish the difference between the drama and the everyday conversation. Have you noticed that when you are completely confident in your position it just hardly ever has to get to the drama level? That, my friend is what I am talking about living in peace.)

But!

I look at the teaching that I sat under back then, teaching full of aggression and violence. Teaching that said "reach out and grab it...take it...pursue it".

Aggressive meant that you really meant business. That you deserved this. That you were filled with the righteousness of God. And, if you couldn't be aggressive then it meant you were broken in some way and needed to be fixed. That fixing usually was borne with the "entrance" of the Spirit.

As if God was not present before.

It was presented to me (or I accepted it this way) that lining up with healing meant that somebody...some human...needed to move the enemy out of the way so that God could move in. This is like saying that little pup has to police the perimeter in order to make it safe and ready for big Dog to come out of the house for his daily constitutional.

I reject that. Totally and absolutely.

This is what I mean by walking in guilt. I would get so frustrated when "God's plan" was not happening. I would think quiet deep seated thoughts about how I or somebody was just not getting it done in the battle department. (me in the Saul armor)

I felt the weight of my inadequacy.

And I began surely to feel the weight of His.

Yes, I am actually saying that when I didn't see results I found myself questioning not only my inadequacy but also God's adequacy, love and presence.

I found myself asking again and again..."why can't you do anything about this?!

Why DON'T you do anything about this.?!"

I would flounder there a good majority of the time. And in those precious moments of closeness where I could feel the Lord in sweetness, His assurances of peace just simply did not match up with all the piteous cries for help that seemed ultimately beyond His hearing.

Have you heard the term "put your money where your mouth is"?

Yeah, I was constantly asking God about that.

So what has changed? For this moment in time I feel at rest. I feel at peace. Not dead mind you. But maybe death brought on some understanding.

When mama passed there was a tremendous about of pain. You know this. Yet there was also such a peace.

I saw some of my family stand right up to God and demand her healing. Maybe not in so many words but they were surely stamping their foot. They battled the enemy to keep her here. They ordered her body to be well. They stood in defiance against death. And after all was said and done, they lost. Death won.

WAIT!

Did it?

To their way of thinking yes. If she died, then death won.

But I don't agree. I see no defeat in her dying. The scriptures say, death has no sting. It has been conquered. Done. I am not simply toeing the party line here in saying "God's will be done...it was her time to go." No, I am looking deeper than that. I am saying that for all the fighting that went on in the hearts of the sweet ones battling for her life, there was an equal peace, acceptance, transcendence. (scary word)

There was available a peace beyond understanding. I know it was available because I partook of it. There was a trust in God that really trusted. Trusted that He was so completely in control that the enemy was absolutely barred. It makes my heart swell to think these things.

I believe that God is in control. And I believe that He does not need my help to stay there. If you go and look at all the great breakthroughs in your life I would bet my bottom dollar that they came when you gave up. When you resigned your will. When you said..."I don't know what to do here, can you take it?"

Now I am not saying that I do not ever feel angst. Boy do I feel angst! When mama was sick and on her way to Heaven I could be found full on anxiety. Or maybe it just looked like anxiety. Or maybe it was all inside and I looked calm on the outside. I could not tell you that.

I just know that when I really centered on God I felt at peace. When I took my eyes away...when I tried to take the steps on my own...I just could not do it. I began to sink every time.

Sound like anything you have heard before?

Another for instance; when I birthed my baby, I had a dear friend that came in and warred for my sake. She prayed mightily. But did she hold back the enemy with her warfare?

Or, did the manifest presence of God keep things on track that day.

Did He need my prayer warrior to do what she did in prayer? See, I don't know that answer.

But did God need her to say the words? Need it? No. You would agree with me there.

Did she need to say them? Yes. I needed her to say them. I couldn't even hear her but I knew she was there speaking health and beauty into my life.

(So her prayers were needed. But what was needed? Her warfare? Her speaking on my behalf?

Or did her words of prayer, offered in faith and love, become the comfort that she was praying about?)

I relied on her. On her love.

But my trust was in God.

I know hers was too! And if things had not gone as sweetly? Would I have blamed her?

No. Yet I would have blamed myself. (especially if I had been in her position)

And that blame is wrong. That prayer warrior mindset has got to be removed from the equation.

Or at least re-defined. In my opinion.

We have got to return to a trust in God's will. The current teaching is missing the point. Our parent's understood it. I have thought my parents fools because of their trust. Yet, I am returning to that old way. What has seemed to be a "turn over and die" philosophy (and who can say...maybe some of it is) has attracted me with it's simplicity. I would so recently have called it laziness.

But if I will believe in God, I will believe in His ability to accomplish His will according to His good purpose. And I will believe that He has the ability and the desire to bring all things together for my good. Get that. This is more than just believing in God. This is believing His heart... His goodness toward me. Throwing myself entirely on His love and goodness for me.

So, all things. For my good.

Yes, I said all things.

Even the things that seem outside His will. And I get that all the things that happen are not in His perfect will. I get that. I believe that. Bad things happen and He can turn them for good. Yes. But further....bad things happen within His will. Read that again. Ugh.

And I don't get all the ins and outs of that.

( And please God I do not want to be tested in all this. Just so ya know.)

And I reserve the right to amend any and all of this at any time. So check back with me.

What am I saying?

I am saying I think differently about the will of God and my part in it. I feel peaceful in trusting Him even when things look terrible. I don't always make it . I doubt a lot. But when my head clears I come back to this. Peace. The invitation from God to dwell with Him in that peace. Today is where He dwells. The enemy would like for me to live forever in a snit about securing my tomorrow or crying about my yesterday. The enemy would like to keep me at war with my future and my past. But today has been given to me with the invitation to spend it with my Lord. At peace. If the Lord of all, who can see ALLLL things, can be at peace with today...

2.02.2011

1. I am highly intimidated by pressure to perform...and because of that...I get paralyzed and just can't. (even in the bathroom...just in case you were wondering)

2. I have a gross sense of humor.

3. I live in a house with four male persons...this makes life interesting when using #2.(the gross sense of humor...not #2 listed in #1)

4. Now, aren't you glad you tagged me?Wait, that wasn't a fact about me...ok let me think....OH! I know....

4. I use... a lot. .........It just leaves you wondering. And I kinda like that.

5. When I am thinking, I stare. Sometimes...I stare right at you. Sometimes...when I am talking to you...I stare into space. It annoys me a lot. But I just can't stop.

6. I have an unusual ability to remember songs. Like hymns and stuff. But I may not remember all of it. And I often get the first part of the verse mixed up with the last part of another one.

7. I think that I could come up with a song that would fit anything that you may be talking about. You are talking...blah...blah...blah...and something, some random word or thought...will start a song in my head. It is kinda like living with a live background music feed in my head. (right now..."raindrops keep falling on my head")

8. I love kid books. Adult books are too...deep...or something. They bore me. Kid books don't waste so much time on description. I like to make up my own pictures in my head.

8 1/2. I cannot read anything without seeing a picture in my head. Movies based on books are not really fun for me because it messes with my own picture.

9. Things that I dream come true. A lot. I still do not know why God tells me this stuff. Sometimes I tell other people...sometimes I don't. I am continually amazed. Shocked. Awed. God is amazing.(not everything I dream...just some things...but usually I know which is which...and then sometimes it comes true but not in the way I think it will...)

10. I fear that you are shocked...and unbelieving...about #9. This bothers me. I will probably think about it all day. How I wish that I hadn't typed that. Or how maybe it is good that I typed it. And on and on and on...

11. I am a little bit...or a lot...neurotic.

12. I hate small talk. I will dodge my very best friends if I only have a second to talk. Because I do not like to just say "hi". I want to sit and think deep things with you for long stretches of time. So, don't think I am mad at you if I ignore you. (I might be...but do not assume) Probably, I am dying to talk deeply with you but I fear a time constraint so I just avoid you.

13. It hurts my feelings when people cut me off. It also hurts me deeply to cut you off. This is why I avoid you. See #12.

14. I love to listen to my children play and talk to each other. I love this so much that I would rather listen to them than engage with them sometimes. Not all the time. but sometimes. They just say the most wonderful things when there is no adult pressure. I don't know if you understand that...but oh well.

15. I think kids...well adults too...learn better when they are not being "taught". I hate being taught.

16. Freedom. I love it. But I like rules too. So I can know if I want to obey them or not. But I like having the choice.

17. I like things really clean. That is hard with five kids. So I live with lots of messes because I cannot stand the thought of them growing up and going to counseling and complaining that there mom was anal about housekeeping. So I choose not to be...anal that is. You might be laughing now because I am living in denial. Please do not burst my bubble.

18. I adore my siblings. All of them. (I count their spouses as siblings) Ok I adore my parents also. And my husband. Well...of course my kids too. Yeah...all of em. I have been richly blessed. Oh and friends...I love them too. Adore them. Did I say I was blessed?

19. I hate the thought of leaving anyone out. IT bothers me a lot.

20. 25 is not nearly enough. You are going to leave here only knowing a portion of me. That bothers me. But then...it makes me mysterious...and that kind of makes me smile....but then...I long to be all "NORM!" I like to be known. I also like to know.

21. I read constantly. I stopped wearing contacts because I would have to keep up with reading glasses...so why bother. Reading is my life. While I do not enjoy adult fiction...I love to read history and other books that other people would find snores-ville. I like learning.

22. When I look at landscape photos of water it really creeps me out. I am ok if I am there in person...but the photos...yah I get the chills...and not in a good way. (the background music always sounds like a scary movie)

23. all of a sudden I am completely stumped. pressure to perform...i told ya.ok...thinking...thinking....background song..."bummping up and down in my little red wagon" ...it is a Barney song....oh...I do not like to eat. I am allergic to most everything. Eating is really no real pleasure to me. Probably due to a lifetime of feeling yucky every time I ate. So, if you are coming to my house...you know where the kitchen is...I just do not think in terms of meals or satisfying loved ones with culinary delights. I do know how to appreciate a good meal tho!! Yes in deed. A really tasty bite just sends me. I am getting to the point where I almost embarrass myself with the mmmmmmm.....mmmmm....of it all.If you cook something for me....it really speaks to my love meter. But if I cook something for you...it does not say anything about my level of love for you...as in...my not cooking for you does not say that I do not love you...if I cook for you it is probably due to guilt...or at least me knowing that you need to eat and I am fine to take care of that...but like scrubbing toilets...just because it needs to be done...not because I like it.

24. My family makes fun of me because I engage them in really deep conversations right before they have to leave. I don't mean to. It just happens. Maybe because (not so) sub-consciously I hate for people to leave. Like I said...I do not mean to do it. It just happens. I resist time constraints. So maybe this is a rebellion of sorts. Honestly, I am trying really hard to honor people and their words so if you tell me you have to go...do not be shocked if I get your hat and coat and escort you to the door...I may not try to coax you ...or anything...do not think I am mad...just know I am trying to honor you. Because people in general stay even after they say they should go...and I do not want to be aiding and abetting your delinquency.

25. I really could keep talking for a long long long time. I would like to know all kinds of stuff about you...and would like you to know all kinds of stuff about me...but I am going to end with this.My husband should write books about how to be a good husband. He is not perfect...by any means ;-)But he is the most honoring man and he constantly finds ways to support me. We were made for each other and I wake up each morning in delight that I could be so blessed. I am just going to cry now.I just want you all to know this about him. I am not typing this because of something special he just pulled off...nor is it some sneaky way to get a better b-day present. (it is February 2...btw)I am just saying it because. Because because because because because....because of the wonderful things he does...(sorry background music got a little loud there)

26. I cannot type because three times really fast. Nor can I say Irish wristwatch...three times fast. Can you???