Seriously, I am so tired of seeing Prince William’s khaki penis whiskers. Don’t look too closely if you feel like you’re going to throw up a little in your mouth, but one of his balls is being squeezed like a pimple and that can’t be comfortable.

The color of Kate’s dress was a very royal tour shade of green, known to everyone who has almost choked to death from car freshener fumes in the back of a taxi cab as Royal Pine.

I put a red vertical line over this screen grab to illustrate what a disservice Kate does to herself with her quest to over-tailor everything to the point of constriction because she doesn’t think that we get yet that she’s skinny. The askew buttons ruined the front of her £2,000 designer frock.

The poorly fitted 1940s-style dress made me wonder if Kate also shares my dream of a full-out 1990s Kinderwhore revival, but Kate’s choice of sedate nude LK Bennett court shoes and clutch made me realize with great sadness that the only figure from 1993 Kate will ever channel is Married… with Children bank manager Marcy D’Arcy, not Courtney Love.

Not that we were ever going to see plastic poodle barrettes and heroin needles poking out out of Kate’s extensions anyway, but ffs, sex this thing up a little. Between Kate’s so-called wardrobe malfunctions, Prince William’s ball floss trousers and two children, we know they’re anatomically correct and likely use their genitals, Kate could go a little naughty with the shoes or bag. Maybe even a berry-stained lip. Just something to hint her next patronage won’t be at the Celibacy Library where every book is filled with only pure thoughts.

The first half of the day’s events were spent in Kelowna, British Columbia where they watched a volleyball game at the University of British Columbia. Grand Chief Stewart Phillip was set to attend but pulled out last-minute again, renewing his protest and was replaced by Chief Jonathan Kruger at the event. The Cambridges gathered up more gifts and worked the crowd according to this Emily Nash Tweet.

Huh, so they do “work”. Then the Green Goblin and Tight Trousers headed to a food tasting festival at Mission Hill Winery where they ate some penis clam. Raw.

Yeah, when I first saw these things at a market in Seattle, I just assumed they were for some kind of black magic rituals to hex ex-boyfriends. They’re actually even more traumatizingly flesh-colored once washed off and are supposed to be delicious, just unfortunate looking, but no. Just no.

I do like to call attention to the positive and Prince William genuinely did seem at times to want to create memorable moments yesterday with those who had gathered which is the closest thing I can find for a point for these types of events so well done, Tight Trousers.

While the Cambridges cut some pinot noir grapes, there was no mention in the press about a proper wine tasting, just that Kate drank cassis and passed on the whiskey. (UPDATE: According to reader and area resident, Arlene, they did do a private wine-tasting, no press was allowed though.) Then they flew up to Whitehorse in the Yukon where it was unreasonably cold for September. When I Googled temps at 2:45pm EST, it was 34°F (1°C).

Kate slipped on a Hobbs coat and carried a maple leaf tartan scarf. At the airport, they were greeted by Canadian Rangers and Junior Rangers. The Lone Ranger was a no-show.

Then they headed to the Kwanlin Dun Cultural Centre to watch some performances.

Day 5 is already underway so with only three more days to go, this tour might wind up being historically noteworthy as the first official royal tour Kate has pulled off without having a significant wardrobe malfunction. 34-year-old duchesses grow up so fast.

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