Saturday, July 17, 2010

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enoughto climb all the way to the top of the tree.

I want to believe I'm one of those girls at the top. That - someday - someone will care enough to take that extra step. But most of me knows the more likely truth - I'm already rotten on the ground or turned to vinegar. I wish it didn't matter so much. I wish it didn't hurt so much.

Friend, "God, I'm such a slut. I was making out with my neighbor last night, and I was like... WHAT?!"

Me, "...that's random."

Friend, "I guess. It was pretty innocent, I think we were both just missing people, y'know?"

Friday, July 9, 2010

-warning, if you cut, this is probs gonna be triggering... so don't read if you're triggered by details-

I cut tonight.

Not like the "I'm at work and upset so i'll scratch myself with a pin" kind of cutting, or the "nick the skin" kind either. I, robotically, went upstairs when I came home from hanging out with my wonderful, loving, supportive friends and said goodnight to my parents. I grabbed a razor as I passed the bathroom, split it open with my jewelry pliers, took of my pants and slashed.

It's so.... discouraging. Above anything I'm disappointed in myself. All I feel right now is guilt. I let down my friends - they all knew something was wrong tonight and they all made an effort to make me feel better. But how can you tell a room full of people - most of them don't know I have any sort of anything going on - that you're feeling extremely self-concious, hopelessly lonely and overall worthless? You can't. I can't even tell my two friends who KNOW.

And you know why? Because the source of all this rests at what I wanted out of this year. Last year around this time, I was yo-yoing between starving and binging - I loved 8hr shifts so I could fast. I had few friends to ever hang out with and they all kinda of ignored me anyways. I cut almost every week.

Then, for my senior year I made some resolutions - none of which were followed at all. It's pathetically sad, but really all I wanted this year was for some stupid BOY to notice me and to prove to me somehow that I am... worth it? Pretty? More than a walking valedictorian? Someone who can step out of that friendship barrier and not judge... I don't know. I have daddy-issues, is that why I'm so boy focused? What can a guy give me that a friend can't?

I guess, with me, and with frickin' society, it always comes down to "at least you have your looks!" Well, world, you - my parents, my parents' friends, my friends, random people off the street - have told me I'm pretty. Guess what? No boy ever has. No boy has EVER been interested in getting to know ME. No boy has ever.... anything. So, when it comes down to the lowest of the low, and I'm trying to get out of bed and walk past that mirror hanging on the door, I can't convince myself that, "at least I have my looks", cause guess what? It's not getting me anywhere now, and I'm not sure it ever will. They can't understand that because they're all in or have been in a relationship that has fulfilled them somehow. They can't understand what it's like to not only feel an unequivocally unattractive failure, but to also have absolutely nothing to counteract it.

I wanted to have scholarship, I wanted to be skinny, I wanted a better job, I wanted... blah blah blah. I didn't want to go back to where I was last year - the blacking out, the obsessions. I didn't want that (all the time...) but that's the only way...

It hurts so much to think about spending the next few weeks with family members at a beach. They're going to see my scars from the past year, there is no doubt in my mind. Guess I won't be the "perfect example" anymore, huh? Well, shit. Whoops.

I'm so lost. I can't rely on school or drama anymore. I don't have any career goal or goal for university - which I'm going to be paying for the rest of my life. My awards and recognitions seem so completely irrelevant and undeserved. I feel guilty for having them. Someone who can appreciate their friends' and their situation and their gifts should have it. Not me. Because I'm to goddamned focused on what I don't have or have never had. I know this. I am aware of it and still I do shit all.

I know in my mind I can't control it necessarily, I want to believe its the chemicals and that it's not my fault. But, really, I know it is.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I've been wanting to post about this forever, but I haven't been able to sit down and organize my thoughts until now. Not that they're organized. I'm just here now.

Starting on this one is going to be hard. I guess, the easiest thing to say is that I have no idea what's wrong anymore. I used to be insightful about my own self, my triggers and my motivations, but recently I've been confused about everything. I get manically happy (once in a blue moon) and motivated for no reason. Most of the time I'm in a haze, completely numb and complacent. I've come home after drinking and hanging out with friends (something that would usually pick me up) to contemplate cutting. I've stopped sleeping regularly, and I couldn't be bothered to study for my diploma's.

Where is that girl who swung between hate and over-achieving? Where is my ED self, the obsessive self, the self that wanted to prove perfection (even if it meant doing nothing)? What in the hell happened to her?

I had another awards ceremony yesterday - another huge award won by 69 students out of the countless thousands. All I could think was : "I don't deserve this". Because I didn't. The stuff I was nominated for, the stuff I won for, I quit months ago because I tried to live a life... not that that worked in the end.

Anyways, on top of that, recently... and I know this makes me sound crazy.... I've been daydreaming about being in an asylum. I've always had fun making up stories with characters in my head - like, since I can remember I've occupied time doing it. Characters... who have diseases, disorders, addiction etc. Projecting my own issues, I'm sure. Regardless, my most recent story is one of a girl - kinda like me - in an asylum, and how freakin wonderful it is. Anorexia, heroin and cutting are her issues (woah, analyze that).

Anyways. That combined with the general feelings of confusion recently has really set me for a whirl.

I need something to do to keep my mind off this. I'm working fulltime, but it's not enough. A new hobbie, or sport. A challenge. Or maybe I'll try the photography thing. Suggestions? How crazy am I on a 1-10 scale?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I know I only come here when I'm feeling bad. But that's because I've restructured my coping. It used to be that I blogged after binging, restricting or cutting... almost as a punishment - admitting it. I blog now when I feel like doing those things. So, it's justified, right? Does it need justification...

I'm registering for classes at university tomorrow and I'm feeling so depressed. For no reason. Is it because I'm realising now how I have no clue what I'm going to do with my life? Or because I'm beginning to get scared about next year? Or maybe I'm just feeling the effects of my graduation ceremony yesterday... Or I've finally given up.

Tonight is the first night in a while that I've just been sitting in my room thinking... I could end it, right now.

In a long while. It's kind of scary, but not at the same time. What's more scary is that the thought came to me so easily, effortlessly and without much provocation. I'm feeling really alone in the world, as per usual, but nothing else has really pushed me over. I legitimately, and, I lied, this is the scariest part... I have no idea why I'm so upset tonight.

I've stopped eating breakfast - because I've been nauseous in the mornings, sometimes skimping on lunch. I've lost 5ilbs... and I don't know why. I have to remind myself to eat - but I don't feel guilty about it, so I'm not sure how ED related it is. It's so weird. I'm confused.

I have 3 days left in my bubble. 3 days until my world bursts and I am released into semi-functional adulthood. Alone.

And, besides feeling alone (though not surprised by the fact), I feel nothing.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Though I'm not sure if this is going to help, I really really need to rant at something right now. I am sorry I worried anyone with my last post, though in truth, when re-reading, it's kind of scary to me. I've been trying to abstain from this blog simply because I know it triggers me in some way. Not in a "omg-I''m-blogging-better-go-restrict-nao!" way but in a "jesus-christ-this-is-pathetic" kind of way... and then the thought process starts and KAPOW. Here I am.

Anyways, love you guys long time (anyone who still reads this).

I'm graduating in 4 days from high school with, for the first time in my life, a group of friends that actually know me a little bit, with whom I've exchanged secrets and shared scandals. I have this flippin' gorgeous dress that I feel wonderful in and a real after-grad plan. I'm accepted into university. Everything is falling into place, and yet I feel... underwhelmed? Honestly, I don't really feel much despite the fact that I'm almost done public education and that I'm moving thousands of miles away come September. It's not the lack of excitement/sadness that's truely bugging me, I guess it's just the fact that the numbness is STILL here.

Back in March when I made the resolution to "get better" (from what or why, don't ask me), my biggest goal was not to stop hating myself or to stop obsessing over my body, but to just FEEL and try to be in the moment. So far, I've stopped obsessing... well that's not even true. I haven't really changed, it's all still there, I just deal a little better and ignore it a little more. Truly, it helps. I weigh myself and measure often, but there are not ensuing panic attacks or gym trips and, vis versa, no huge binges. But... it's so frustrating because I feel like I've made this huge effort to turn myself around emotionally and yet nothing really has changed.

Moreover, the whole "not being depressed" goal has seriously affected my marks/reputation - hilariously enough. It's hard to explain, but I think that I've come to the conclusion that ever since I was little school and grades were my way of getting attention, then in Jr High they were my way of coping with bullies (ha! I'm smarter than thou), then in High School I could either study or exercise or cut ( I love this progression ). Now, I have no reason to do homework because I'm no longer seeking my family/my teacher's /the intelligent elites' attentions - cause I have decent friends!

I can not find any motivation to do anything. My grades are PLUNGING (like 60s) and I couldn't give a rats ass. AS per usual, there is no gray area with me. I have no idea what to do because I certainly don't want 90-95-90-92-67-72 as my grades for my last year of high school. Despite that... Part of me (and this is where I go back to the whole "i'm so worthless" thought cycle) thinks I'm just plain being lazy. Part of me thinks it's justified...ish. But by saying it's justified, it means I was actually... I don't know. I'm having a hard time - even with the blog-posts and the scars to prove it - believing I was depressed/ill.

And what the hell can I do about it now? Very little. By not being depressed, I have academically screwed my grade 12 year over. Ugh. UGH!

I'm exhausted of myself. My family is killing me (my dad doesn't have my grad day off, soooo typical) and I just can't even LOOK at university stuff. Maybe I'm just scared and all of this is a ploy to justify fear. I don't know. I need to go talk to the school counselor or something. Maybe that would help.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

In that order, no less. Sorry I've not posted, 'nuff said. We all know how this works.

The question of therapy. Dot brought it up on my last post (btw, everyone who reads this please go to sanslesetoiles.blogspot.com and offer her some support. She's a wonderful person and she's going through a super hard time right now so give her some much deserved love). And, I guess, like everything else, I'm torn.

At times like now, when I look back at the most menial things and see utter failure and worthlessness, I think -"Jesus, this is dumb. You need help." I can go back and read suicidal posts, I can cringe at an eating-disorder or an "emo" joke and look at my scars and SEE someone who needs a little push from a professional. When I think back, or even reflect on daily life, I see someone who can't handle what is happening and who takes every negative event or constructive criticism to a whole new level. I see someone who takes solace in alcohol and in attention.

But that's where we reach the line. My rationale side, the side that is active and primarily in control when I am pleasant mood, is saying - "You're not sick. You're doing this for attention." And how true it could be. How many times have I fantasized about getting caught cutting or about getting cancer so the chemo would thin me out? How often I have!

Like, seriously? Look at me now. I'm not cutting or fasting (though I think about it) and everyone has low-self esteem. Sure the slightly too-easy decent into the suicidal/hateful mindset is concerning, but I have no reason for it. I've created my own demon, so why in hell's name should I disgrace my family and cause them to spend unneeded money on selfish me?

Then, there are the general concerns about what people/teachers would think. If they would think I'd been faking (I have), or being a drama queen (I have). Essentially, getting therapy means someone figuring out my ugly self and I can't... I don't want that.

I know I'm making excuses for not doing it, even though in my heart of hearts, I know I should even just to deal with family issues much less my own depression. I don't know how to go about it. I don't know if I could keep the secret. What I do know is my perfect image is concrete in public, it is undeniable. Once that mask begins to flake... I could lose everything. I'm terrified to even attempt.

Anyways.End that thought. I want therapy I guess, I don't think I need it or deserve it, and I'm terrified of it.

I'm feeling really crappy right now because, once again, I've been forgotten. All my close friends have my grad arrangements assuming I was hanging with another group for grad. Alone, again. Surprise, surfreakinprise. It's all handed in and done, so I can't do shit all about it. they're all "we're so sorry, we thought..." yeah, well. What can I do? I'm so dumb, this is my own damn fault.

On top of that, I'm feeling in general fragile right now. I've reached for the blade a few times, never put it to skin... yet. The 30hr famine is coming up and I don't know if I want to risk fasting... even if it's for a good cause. Last time I stretched it into a 78hr famine... by changing the dates over and over. I can't be sucked into that again.

Anyways, I'm drinking on Saturday. With older people. And, honestly, I just want to numb it. Just for a night. With people I can trust to not rape me or some shit like that. Might say or do something stupid, but I don't care.

Weight is somehow still at 140-143. Logic is absent from my body and mind.

[edit: didn't get drunk at all. in fact, I fucking was insulted... alone all night. I should have fasted when I had the chance. binged today. cut today too. it's all starting again. and no one will ever know.]

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I don't know what to do. I didn't cut that night, by the way, and foreignobject - if you can leave your email for me, I will keep in touch, I would love that. I went on vacation to Florida with the family and it was so completely stressful.

I know, right? On vacation and stressed out of my mind. I got so sick, nearly blacked out from heat exhaustion one day. I just... I can't live with my family. We're so full of shit, every single one of us. My brother, the eldest, is an ass but he's hurting too. My dad is so fucking ridiculous and so disrespectful and abusive... but he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and he is so convinced that he is right. He's so on his high horse, he doesn't care if he hits my brothers in public, he doesn't care that his children are terrified of him. He demands respect, but respects no one.

My mom has such low self esteem, she can't even contain it from me, despite the fact that she knows how much I'm struggling right now. It hurts to watch her, to take her shopping and leave empty handed everytime. It takes so much energy to not burst out, screaming "You're not the only one who thinks she's fat... Mom, we're the same fucking size stop cursing how fat you are, how do you think it makes me feel?" It's exhausting and I can't be around her, because I fear for my own sanity. And... I feel terrible for it, but I'm almost done. My respect for her dwindles every time she walks out of the room when my Dad goes off on a rampage. Why should I have to be the one fighting against HER husband to protect HER children? Why do I have to be the protector.

I tanned and lost 10ilbs while away, and I felt it. I felt so damn good. Sexy, almost. Like I finally could tackle the world, these last few months of school do it with vigor and intelligence. These last two days that I have been home, literally within seconds I go from sexy-model posing in the mirror to contemplating the razor or crying. I've spent two days holed up in my room, cycling through the roller coaster. And now, on the eve of going back to school, i have accomplished nothing.

My projects are not done. Assignments are not complete. I am more stressed out than before school went on break; I am more jealous and hateful and terrified of... everyone and everything I can't get.I can't justify anything to myself right now. I want to call my friend, I want to text her saying: "Tell me that I'm worth something, that's all I need to see, just type it back, please." But I know she is sleeping and I can't bother her.

I feel like a complete and totally failure on multiple accounts. My project fucking fails compared to others and I don't even want to hand it in. I don't want to go to class because I haven't reviewed and I'll look like an imbecile. I feel trapped. I don't even want to cut, I just want to sleep. I just want to die.

But, I can't do that either.

Utterly useless.

I'm not going to make it through the year. Right now, I don't want to.

I don't know what to do anymore other than fake it in hopes that it'll eventually become truth. Smile a happier, tanned smile than before. No, there is no hope. Not tonight.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

So, now it's 20 days later since I made that resolution to give... this up. To stop feeling worthless, to stop caring about what people have said to me... I came to the conclusion that... life is too short. That I had to change - and that it couldn't get any worse.

I was right, but it didn't get me anywhere. I had a few good days, I didn't cut, nor have I restricted/fasted/binged. My weight hasn't changed. I've become so much closer with my friends, and I've skipped my first class to comfort a friend who broke up with her boyfriend. I've brought my grades up. I've been honest.

I've told someone about last year and about the 3 months of eating disorder attitude... how if it wasn't for the blog I wouldn't remember anything. I also told her about the cutting, the depression. What's better? She understands - not the ED or the cutting - but the depression and the suicidal thoughts.

I'm not to the point of removing the razors from around my house, or to the point of texting her when I'm feeling low but... it's something right?

The hate is still there, though.

I'm still looking at pictures. Still thinking about blood and pain. About a future that is so entirely meaningless, and that I am entirely worthless. I am so used to the idea of death... I have come to the conclusion that life... everything ends. Death is inevitable.

And I don't know what to do know. I feel like I have tried everything in an attempt to move on and to get rid of this feeling... this hatred... this concrete perspective.

What's the point of even trying? Under all the layers of effort and masks and scars... the ugly me is still here, it's still present. It's still me. What can I do?

Monday, March 1, 2010

Today was really tough -- but in a completely different way then I am used to. Last night, I had my usual Sunday OCD anxiety attack and only got 4hrs of sleep... The day started off with a Math quiz that I got 70% on instead of 85% due to a stupid mistake on one question, so, tired and feeling shitty about myself in general, I plugged off to theatre where we participated in the exercise Cross the Line.

For those who don't know, Cross the Line means a few things: tears, guilt and unity. Essentially, you get a group of near-strangers (in this case my tech theatre class and a drama class) together and get them to swear to silence, nothing leaves the room, nor can you speak during the exercise. The teacher then proceeds to ask questions like: "If you like Oreos, cross the line." which evolve into "Cross the line if you've thought seriously about suicide in the last month." Each question has a meaning behind it - racial acceptance, seeing how we perpetuate hurt etc.

It was intense.

I decided quickly that, even though I wasn't going to be held to it, I felt strong enough to be truthful throughout the whole thing. I crossed when asked about suicide, abuse, knowing someone who was addicted to substance, being hit by a loved one, being teased for weight/race, self-harm... and you know what? It felt so good. Without saying a word, I told a room full of people part of my story. I had a friend in the room who just burst into tears when I crossed for suicide... and, god, it made me feel terrible. This poor girl, even just at the thought of it... I just felt so bad for even considering it.

After the questions were done, we sat in a circle and waited for people to start talking - and they did. I wanted to share so much - that I knew exactly what one of the girls who told her story about cutting when she was younger and how she's falling back into it and how, to cope, she's throwing herself into the musical, that I knew what she was going through. I wanted to tell how much it hurt to be in that circle - and how much I was happy for it because I was raised to present a perfect mask - to be emotionless. I wanted to thank everyone for proving to me it wasn't theatre that was wrong for me, it was that mean girls in Jr high said mean things.

And I could have, and almost did, but we ran out of time. I did, however, tell my story about my issue over my racial identity. How, for a long time, I couldn't identify with either side of my family - my mom's being white, anglo-saxon irish and my dad's being Caribbean/african because kids at school wouldn't accept me. I wasn't white enough for the Caucasian kids and I wasn't brown/yellow enough for the other ethnic minorities. Really, until a few reunions ago, I didn't feel like I belonged in my family, much less my school or my own skin. I cried, and I was proud for that.

And this was all BEFORE lunch time. From there, it was downhill. I was absorbed in thought, and really now is the first time I've been able to sit down and process it all day. I got overwhelmed with homework and projects, being left out of a get together and other random drama. So, I came home, had a mini-binge, and spent 3hrs on homework/organizing.

Now, my heart hurts for the girl who I found out is getting abused by her alcoholic father and for the guy who walked in on his sister trying to hang herself. For a while today I felt really guilty... and I guess I still do. These people come to school every day with a smile, they do what they do best everyday and they do it amazingly. And yet I wake up feeling fat and can't smile all day.

Part of me feels guilty, part of me feels lighter. Its not just me and it's out there now - I don't even care if people find out. I'd rather they know and get to know me and how I react and how I'm dealing with it. Part of me is really proud that - hey - shit has hit the fan at home. I'm sucking in my classes. I'm eating too much. I'm being a terrible contributor to my clubs and societies. But, I still haven't cut. I haven't full out binged. I haven't thrown myself into punishment fasting or exercise.

I'm going to be OK. And, until I am, I know now who I can talk to - and that my story is already kind of started.

So, I will keep on blogging, I promise, because I don't want to lose this method of expression because I'm not going to go from this to talking to people in real life over night. Plus, my followers rock. But, just a warning, I want to do an overhaul of this blog - I need to get away from the thin/fat. I'm perpetuating it. I call myself fat/worthless 200000x more often then anyone else does.

Of course, I still went through ED, and I still have eating/body-image issues so expect further comment and perspective from that end of the table. I hope everyone can support me in this because turning this blog around is going to be tough and, of course, I will still be here to support everyone who is struggling with depression or eating disorders. Thank you all so much <3

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

@Kay: Of course I remember you :) Welcome back isn't the most appropriate statement to use, but the sentiment is there!

@SmallerStill: Cheesey quotes are always good. Thanks!

@foreignobject: My family dynamic is extremely complicated. I'll try and write about it more... The easiest way to explain it is that, for me at least, I've always been the 2nd mother. The parents were gone a lot/ there were 4 toddlers running around at the same time and I was the oldest. I was type A from birth. So, I've felt "grown-up" and "responsible" since I was like 10. Now that my brothers are a little bit older, they don't see me as a sister or a "friend" at all - I'm their mother. And I feel the same way about them - and not in a particularly protective way - in a do-your-chores-stop-being-mean kind of way. My mom was always there to offer love to us, but I was the one who made sure the kitchen was cleaned and the laundry was done. As for my dad, well, that's another long story. Another time.

Anyways. I'm doing some hard-core emotional rollercoastering lately. On Tuesday I was so upset that people actually started worrying and asking about it (which is a feat for me and my mask of perfection). The pressure of my grades, my commitments... the fact that the year is drawing to a close and I haven't accomplished anything real and the fact that I started my period and was bloated/craving all to hell. I refused to wear anything by a super-baggy shirt and kept looking down at the excess fabric, and I kept convincing myself it was fat... anyways. I have gained in the past while - about 5ilbs. I do attribute most of that to the week of my grandparents being here and my mom not being here. You can't say no to them... and then I was PMSing and... it's all bad.

But on Monday I went to the gym... and I have plans to exercise tomorrow and Friday. Part of my issue is that I have no motivation besides emotion. I used to walk every night for like an hour or so, so by the time I got home I had centered myself and could focus on work and resist food. But ever since September, grade 12 hit me like a pile of bricks and I feel like I can't spare the time. But I need to start.

So, yesterday was terrible. Today wasn't great either, but I bought food at school despite forgetting lunch and having a perfectly good reason to skip a meal. I bought a calorie-laden coffee concoction after school on my way to a meeting just because.

And thinking back... I am not OK with it - but at the same time I'm not feeling anything bad about it. Today. I know I've started using food as a coping mechanism... scratch that, I'm just using it more as a coping mechanism... and I'm using school as an excuse. I don't want to skip any meals because I won't be able to focus - and I'm screwed enough in my subjects as it is.

I'm neutral right now... and as such, I am not going anywhere. We'll see how long that lasts. I don't want to fall back into the constant depressive cycle of active ED behaviour and destructive behaviour like before... but, hell, I do want to find somewhere in between.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Thanks everyone :)

I woke up feeling a little better this morning - in a terrible, mean way. Here's the story: When I went to bed last night I noticed that my brother (the next youngest, the one who fights with my dad, smokes pot and steals/lies constantly) had snuck out. Long story short, he'd locked himself out and ended up having to ring the doorbell to get back in and my grandparents (who are here now). There was a lot of swearing, and there was a lot of him proclaiming he was "fucking sorry".

Anyways, he's in deep shit. And he knows it. So... point of this wonderful family heartwarmer is that I feel asleep listening to him cry and mumble and throw things in his room. I'm caught because he's lied all his life. He does anything he wants and the entire family is devoted to appeasing him so that my dad/mom don't have to deal with his shit. We've spent 30K plus on trying to "fix" him - therapy, tutors, coaches etc. My parents would forget about picking us up because they were fighting with him.

So do I believe him when he apologizes? No. Do I revel in his groundings? Yup. So, I'm sitting there, thinking about the differences between myself and my brother, how we've each developped our own "issues" and I just ended up crying and crying all night. Irrational exhaustion was certainly apart of it, but another part was that I sit there and I look down on him even though we're really in the same spot. Our only difference is that my parents know and recognize his issues because he's not smart enough to hide them.

Anyways, I woke up to a huge grandparent-esque breakfast. Been eating, baking and sitting all day... I don't know. I don't feel bad about it today. I'm just... yup, I'm a pig. Gotta live with it. That'll change tomorrow, or the next day I am sure. Just having a swing day.

This week is going to be insane crazy busy... so I'm sure that by the time we hit Tuesday, I will be done. This week is going to go by so quickly. I want to... I don't know. I want to accomplish something with my life - the bigger picture. Actually, hilariously enough, in my half asleep daze, I considered turning my brother in the the school counselor and being all bo-ho he's a drug addict and I'm his caring, perfect sister. Hahahahahaha

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I can't tell you all how many times I have opened up this page in the last week. Tonight is the first time I've gone far enough to actually click "new post". I don't know why I have been avoiding it... I honestly don't know.

It's been a hard week. I mean, looking back, outwardly, I was OK. Save for Friday when I couldn't even pretend anymore, my week seemed decently OK. Everything was OK. It's always OK.

Meanwhile... I don't know. Every day I woke up feeling fat. I had dumb, vivid dreams of random meetings and occasions - meaning I didn't really sleep and that never helps. Everyday I made resolutions to fast or exercise. Every day I didn't. I failed (below 85) a few tests... my entire last math unit. I don't understand my classes. I feel utterly trapped in my own inadequacies. On Friday, in my tech class, I blanked for a second. I was so upset - so suddenly too. I walked out of class, walked under the theatre and spent a good five minutes slashing at my wrists with blunt, stage paint encrusted fingernails... And then I came back into class and no one even noticed.

No one ever notices.

I nearly considered jumping out infront of a car tonight. Messy. And, even now, I don't regret it. My life isn't that hard. Why am I so dramatic. I need to pull it together, I'm falling apart.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Dot and Ana's Girl... like seriously, what would I do without you guys :) [also, pic sans makeup. deal with it]

I just got home from my best girl-friend's (the one whom I told kinda sorta about this and my general issues with my body etc) 18th birthday party. Now, I knew that the night would involve snacks, pizza, lots of high-calorie alcoholic drinks and cake. I excused the night because I didn't want to be a downah for my friend etc etc, so THAT doesn't matter.

It was fun overall. I had an amazingly fun night (despite the guy who tossed his cookies whilst proclaiming is sobriety). The bad? My friend was trying to hook me up with her random friend Eric who was delicious. Yeah. He ended up making out with the same girl Z. is in love with.

Ouch.

(I'm getting over him, but still... story of my life). And by the end of the night, the 5 remaining people were two couples and me. Again, story of my life. So, that along with a belly full of shit and, admittedly, an extremely inebriated me was a recipe for sadface.

Yeah, I was so wasted. Love it. Good thing about that was pretty early on I reached the about-to-vomit point so I didn't eat anything until breakfast this morning (a reasonable portion of oatmeal). And, no hangover so yay.

Another of my friends encountered heartbreak last night, so I have work for a few hours then damage control. I remember thinking last night, even while I was drunk, that I wanted to make it through the next three days sans binging. So, that's my goal for now and we'll go from there. My next step in figuring out this next semester is trying to incorporate the gym into my schedule.

Hope everyone is doing well... and if you DO have a significant other, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY. If you're not cynical like me... I guess enjoy the day too ;P

[Edit: Fmylife. I just had the worst effing night at work in my entire life. I didn't binge, though I ate more that I should have. I'd almost made it through the day under 1000. Makes me wonder if I really freaking tried, if I wasn't such a lameass, then I could get skinny again. Then I could feel... better about myself again. Damn it, what is stopping me? Ugh. UGH. Why why why did everything just have to explode. Tomorrow is going to hurt all day - Valentines Event at work. So dumb. Why do I put everything on MEN. Men are dumbasses, dicks. Why must everything rely on how they, how my friends, how my coworkers see me. Why can't I see me and fucking live with myself regardless of how pathetic my reflection is? Yet, even though I can't live with my reflection, I can't bring myself to change it. Too scared of getting glass in my hand.]

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I've been terrified to post. This is due to the fact that... lately... besides some admitted stress-induced, high calorie indulgences... I've been good. The first week back and this week too have really kicked my ass. I've worked a ton, I've hung out a ton with friends, I've excerised, I've done homework, I've studied, I've convinced myself that, for me, not knowing what I want to do with my life IS the BEST thing... basically, I've been a) too busy to actually spend time wallowing in negativity and b) ...happy (dare I say).

Sure, it's hard. I've had a few school/ocd/food related crying-breakdowns. But, that's ok, right? Emotion is ok? If pain is what is real... if it is what it takes to feel, then that's the price we pay, right? Part of me is satisfied with this... wanting to convince the rest of me that - hey, life is OK! But "happiness" makes me hyper self-aware. I'm realising a pattern. Despite general moodswings and some motivation to be content... I honestly think a real reason behind my continued plateau of contentedness is the fact that everyone else's life is crumbling around me.

One of my friends just finally left her abusive household.Her boyfriend is failing because he doesn't sleep because he's so worried about her.Another friend confessed her OCD and body issues (wow now) related to her not being the Asian stereotype (she's gorgeous, just not stick-thin, JPOP princess-genius, anime lover).Another friend is having surgery.Another's mother is starting chemo.

So, really, what am I complaining about? It makes me wonder if I am secretly elitist. My life is ALWAYS going to be worse than yours, and, well, if it isn't, I am going to be HAPPIER. Or if, by making this realisation, that I am completely masochistic because I can't even appreciate my own good perception on the present.

Hm. For now, anyways, things are good. I've been scared to post because of my good mood and because I have been getting bigger... muscle wise. Which, I know, will pay off at some point. But, right now, I'm just bloated (it looks) because I've been working my abs/thighs/arms. My arms are so THICK because the layer of fat didn't go before the muscle came back. D:

Valentines day is coming up, so we'll see how long this actually lasts. I really really really want to do the bitch-thing and just tell Z I like him because his snide remarks kill me inside. Then again, how many times have I (in jest and in the moment) told him I love him? Too many. Mrrrrg.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Trying to explain/justify why I haven't posted in a week would be a waste of your time and mine.

In general, there was no reason - just busy. Sometimes there was a reason - nothing new. I'm in a foul mood at the moment due to how terrified and frustrated I am with school and the prospect of post secondary. Today marked DAY ONE of the last semester of obligatory school in my life. Tonight marked 4hrs of looking at homework papers and questions, crying and having no idea how to go on with my life (or, the thought crosses my mind, if I should).

The tightness of major anxiety is back in my chest, and I don't like it. It's too early for that shit. Too freaking early in the semester. In the week! University is ravaging my soul (yes, it is supposed to be that dramatic) and I'm so insanely terrified of making the "wrong" decision. Even if, at this point, there is no "wrong" choice. People keep telling me to "go with my gut feeling". A) I am. My gut is effing confused. B) My intuition has a long, long history of sucking major hairy balls.

Ugh.

Plus side is that I am so focused on my anxiety that my binge urges are being suppressed. They're still there... just below the surface. But, someone in me is yelling: IF YOU BINGE YOU'LL WASTE TIME AND YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO WASTE - YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

I feel like such an idiot. My chem class has an entering average of 82. I had an 88 coming into the class. That's an outstanding mark, and with these people - it's average. I spent 4hrs doing 15questions of review. Shit I should know, but don't. So frustrated with myself. I can't screw up. I need this course. I need it to go to university. GOD why did I take electives that aren't worth anything? I have no wiggle room at all.

Moreover, my goals of 14Day Challenge.... were not met. Any of them. Perhaps the music one was, but that hardly counts. It's like: OK, lets look at everything you can possibly succeed at in the last month...well, you failed that... and that... and that... and that...etc.

I know I'm being overly dramatic, so my apologies for the "my-life-is-harder-than-yours" preach. Because it's not. People do this and do it successfully with boyfriends and stick-thin bodies and a social life and scholarships. Boo-hoo me. I suck. What the fuck now.

Picture is a fitting goodbye to a failed challenge. Sad, demon eyes of a girl too consumed with herself to be any good. To whenever I write next, <3

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Don't worry, it's not real brains + blood. ;P ...though bashing my head against a nice, white, solid fence does seem like perfectly suitable way to spend my time right now. The weekend swung between being rough and being fun, being disappointing and hopeful. My head hurts from thinking about it. I kept up with exercising + studying but, obviously, the posting + picture taking (the part I am most enjoying) failed.

This is due to what I call the TRIPLE THREAT. That is I somehow managed to land three diplomas - Biology, English B and Social B - one after another. Bio went alright - it was one of those tests that was almost TOO easy. I felt like I was missing something crucial because the questions were ridiculously simple. Not that I'm complaining about an easy test, just watch me get like 70% on it though.

English was today and... ugh. The worst part about English multiple choice exams is that it's completely subjective. Usually you can narrow it down to two answers, and after that it is a crap shot. This test... 85% of the questions were ones you could MAYBE narrow down to three answers. The wording was often off, and, personally, I could not follow the trend in the questions and how it related to the texts... just blah. On top of it being a generally confusing and vague test, the texts were rather boring so I started skimming / sleeping. Bad combo.

I felt terrible about it. Mostly because I felt as though my AP training should have prepared me for it and that I was, inherently, disappointing my teacher. Grrr. Anyways. That sucks, but I know my written portion was decent so I could be able to hold onto a high 80s grade. Social is tomorrow and I'm hoping it will be OK. Social is usually OK./school rant.

I'm doing alright. The binging has scaled down to "normal" calorie content, but it's still all at once or at two intervals in the day. I know it's bad. I have optimism for the new semester - well, I do tonight at least - so hopefully it'll work out. Sounds crazy, but I'm considering marching on over to... well... to somewhere to deal with it. With the sleep issues, with stress, with anxiety. I want to find ways to help those. I just don't want THIS, this selfish obsession, found out. Eh. Maybe not. Eventually it'll boil down to - "You didn't seem to have that bad a day today, why are you freaking out!?" And the only answer I will have is "I ate too much, or I realised how fat I was, or someone called me _______." Bleh.

Aggravatingly, my weight has still not changed. After 4-ish days of caloric, belly-busting binging, I am still 140. Why can't my metabolism burn 3000 calories/day when I am fasting or even eating normally? Ugh. I am not complaining about the immovable plateau, it's just I'm sure that if my body responded by gaining 10ilbs, I would stop binging. But it hasn't, so someone in there says "just keep going!"

Hope everything is going ok for everyone. I'll catch up with blogs either tomorrow or Thursday I promise :)

Saturday, January 23, 2010

After a long shower and a rare indulgence of baby oil, I feel a little bit better. Today was hard because I made it hard. Universities are screwing with my head. My binging impulse is screwing with my stomach and metabolism. The fact that I can't focus long enough on studying for my oh-so-important diploma's is grating. All the way, I'm beginning to realize that I make life difficult for myself. And that I can't stop.

I think I might be PMSing too, which never helps.

I don't have much to say tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will get along better - I am forcing myself to go to a group study session, which means I will actually focus. Which is always good. Maybe I can fix this weekend tomorrow... this week. I feel so gross and bloated from... three or four days of binging. Blarg.

Today's picture is nostalgic. This was my grad 9 "graduation" dress. Besides being about 4inches too short, it still "fits". By "fits" I mean it's a size 5/6. It's far, far too big around the bust /waist. Like, so big it was slouching in the back. It makes me wonder if it ever fit - I don't think it did. Makes me wonder if I was always so concerned with my stomach and my thighs and how big they looked... so I bought a dress a size or two (or 4) too big. I just remember feeling wonderful in that dress.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I am selfish. Everything I think, all I react to, all I expect... everything is about me me me. This whole blog is exhibit freakin' A. God. I wouldn't let myself sleep last night until I planned out my day to the 15minute mark. I wouldn't. When the bus was late, I blamed myself - when my bank card expired and I had to give up on a purchase at the mall - it was my fault, my karma. When I came home and binged, then stopped for a few hours, then binged again... it was all to avoid things I couldn't deal with. When I sat down with my mother and she started crying and blaming herself for my callousness, for the fact that I've never had a boyfriend, that I'm so hard on myself, that I have bad self-image, that I hate my dad, all I could think was - NO it's not YOU it's Me.

I hate myself for no goddamn reason other than I am obsessed with myself and I have to find something to critisize because I am a selfish bitch. WHY DO I CARE?

I'm not a pity case. I'm not someone who should recieve support... I'm here, begging for attention, because without it I die. Because I can't get it anywhere else. Me me me. Just burn me down. Like a beetle-infested tree that, despite it's contagious disease, wants to live. Burn.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Somehow, I managed to wake up this morning feeling terrible about everything. I just knew when I opened my eyes: today is going to be painful.

I tried to fix it by stuffing myself silly. But, as we all know, that tends to be rather counter productive.

I tried to exercise in order to boost morale. I had to stop because everything jiggled; everyone could see.

I tried to study and begin to prepare for round 2 of diplomas. My brain shut off and something kept asking, Why bother?

I don't know what it was. What the trigger was. I had a really good day yesterday... I did. I ate too much, sure, but I spent time with my lovely, silly friends. Hell, I may have found my grad dress! I spent a very long time (almost 2hrs... haha) indulging my Z. fantasy as we cuddled watching a movie.

So why the hell couldn't I do anything today? Why did I spend hours today eating, blasting Fionna Apple, crying, staring at myself in the mirror. Right now all I can think is:

No one is ever, ever going to love you. You are never going to get what you want. You're not worth anyone's time. No one is going to think you're good enough. No guy is ever going to look twice at you, or want to deal with you. No one can fix you. No professor or employer or scholarship advisor is ever going to think you are good enough.

And, for god's sake I know most of those things aren't true. But some very well could be... I don't know. I guess I don't have anything else to say about this fail of a day. /rhyming.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

This is today's picture. Pretty self explanatory, but I love the colors and the... I don't know, the elementary-ness behind it.

So, the title of today's post should really be: "Good intentions smashed by a shopping excursion and too-long photowalk. Day ends in a bloated, over-stuffed, broke Greene cuddling Z. while crying during the black-kid's funeral scene in Across the Universe because it reminded her of her grandfather's funeral a few years earlier (which she attended spitefully and now regrets her attitude towards more than anything else)."

Yah.

Story of my life.

Essentially, excersize (besides walking around and trying on grad dresses for 4hrs) and a 30ish minute walk was minimal. Food was excessive, but OK. Everything I ate (sushi, low-cal green tea frozen yogurt and some kind of thin-crust 6' pizza) I split with someone, so that makes it a little bitty better. I did, however, download TONS of music today - everything from Mary J Blige to Spice Girls to Nat King Cole. I'm in the process of cleaning my room...

Yah.

Story of my life.

Loves. I'm exhausted, so I apologize for the fragmented post. Keep leaving music suggestions... I'll need some for tomorrow for sure!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Did I forget to mention I was carrying the Olympic Torch? Yah... it was incredible... I think. It went by so fast. I think it will hit me tomorrow. I ran with a team of volunteers through a local community.

I woke up feeling fat and ugly. Imagine that. Kept to the regime, though. Unfortunately, I am also confused now because I have been half-convinced to apply-to (and I will get in) to a specialty program at one of Dal's sister universities for my first year. It's more expensive, challenging and exclusive. I'm torn.

I'm also exhausted, if you can't tell. More tomorrow. I didn't study today (bad!) but that's excusable. I'm devoting most of tomorrow to it. This picture on top is a cheat - It's one I took yesterday and it was my favorite from the bunch - but I felt the self-portrait was more fitting for the post. I love it because, despite the seat technically being empty... it's almost like the shadows fill the seat (because they disappear at the top). In the bottom corner is my own shadow, or rather, the shadow of a person obviously taking a photo of what seems to be nothing - begging the question: is there something there? Deep, man. Deep.

The one on the bottom is one taken today. That is indeed the olympic torch and the wonderful sky.

I love you all, and you rock. I'm sorry, I am a terrible, hypocritical person and I am awful at commenting on your blogs, but I always read them!

Monday, January 18, 2010

At work last night, I was thinking about how I am going to maintain my sanity for the next two weeks before reading break is over. My need to feel, look, be... skinny is slowly dissipating into a throbbing desire to be confident in my body and to have some amount of control. I have 3 exams to write yet, and I need to have some structure.

I got up this morning and binged for almost 2hrs. Not even a vegetable-ladden binge, but a real binge. I haven't... It's been almost three weeks singe I've done that. Ugh. It feels awful. The worst part? I have to shower still, so I have to face the consequence. Maybe it's a good thing then...

As I was saying, at work I decided that I needed a plan for the next 14 days. Something that is flexible enough to not provoke my latent, ever-present OCD and self-mutilating tendencies, but also something that I can rely on.

So here is my 14 Revitalize PlanFocus on abs: My arms are alright, my thighs/hips can't be helped by anything other than rapid weight loss. If I can get rid of (or at least tighten) my flabby middle, maybes strengthen my legs, maybe I can live with this for a while. This means:

100 Crunches a day (min 25 at a time)

150 Bicycles a day (min 25 at a time)

50 Squats

50 Push ups (girl ones count... for now!)

Move more: Take at least one 15minute walk everyday

Stretch: Commit to morning (before showering) and evening (before bedtime) stretches and call Chiropractor to get some for strengthening my back.

Take Control: I am almost 18. I need to start accumulating my assets under my own name and begin to become more independent.

Get all banking information under my name, invest and open school savings account

Change phone plan + start paying for my own bills

Sign up for Driver's Education

Revitalize: I crave variety. I become happier if I hang around different people, do different things, focus on what I need to focus on and play later.

Commit at least 1hr to studying everyday

Apply to 5 more scholarships by Feb 1st

Download one new album everyday

Take a day and go explore downtown - shopping, art, entertainment

Take my camera and take one picture, with a purpose and meaning, everyday

Make an effort to have time and energy to be with people

Organize my room (it might take 14 days...)

...and that's it.Wish me luck :)And thank you for your comments on my last post. They made me feel a little more at ease.

This is my day 1 picture :) It's a self portrait of sorts... I thought it appropriate. Love the colors of this fence.

Oh! P.S Leave a suggestion for any music I should look at! I'd love so see what you all listen to.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Grad dress shopping was... amazing. I had such an amazing day with the group of girls I went with, and I totally forgot about my terrible Social Studies written diploma . I felt kind of left out during some of it, but I realize my place is the quite, random, mature, objective one in the group. But I am in the group. And that makes me very happy.

I also tried on some beautiful, expensive gowns - which always feels good. Especially because they were size 2s (empire waist or ball gown) and 4s (mermaid style, due to the hips)... Grad plans were made, ridiculousness was had.

The negatives of the day - besides the exam - were the facts that I broke my cleanse a day early and definitely ate way too much wheat/sugar. I have minor wins on that front though - including ordering only a half-sized, whole wheat, non-cream-based pasta dish and a low-cal, no-sugar, fish-oil-enriched chocolate bar as dessert.

Also, we went back to Zs house. It's hard because there is another girl, Stef, who just throws herself at Z constantly. And, I can see it working. I just have to get over him, because it's not going to happen... no matter how much I want it to. Did I mention he speaks french? Ugh. Anyways...

I've been terrible with eating as the cleanse ended. A lot of it is just my triggers being pulled - bad feelings about exams, university and family pressure, overall unorganized thoughts, but some of it is, I truly think, that I am getting sick and my body was like: "Ok... you need to feed me actual carbs and energy so I can function. Now." I'm also PMSing, so the sugar thing is only made worse.

If you can't tell, I am in an extremely forgiving mood right now. I don't know what it is, and I'm trying to find insight into why I feel half-decent about myself right now. I was playing 20 Questions with myself, as I do often, and I asked myself "If I could change one thing about myself, what would it be?" Usually my answer would be, "Everything" or "My perfectionism" or "My metabolism"... but today... I just wondered if I would end up the same. If not... I don't know.

I don't like how I look. I don't like how obsessed I am with my life and how I do or don't fit into clothes, groups or expectations. I don't like how my personality is intimidating. I don't like how I hang on to the past and how bitter I have let myself become. I don't like my family dynamic. I don't like my financial situation. I don't like my grades or commitment level right now.

I like that I care about things in the world. I like that I have some amount of insight. I like my general level of intelligence. I like that I can get along with my peers AND my elders. I like that people trust me. I like that other people think I am unique and mysterious. I like that I can put on a mask to protect my friends from the truth of my imperfection.

So, tonight, I am torn. How much do I really want to be so obsessed with everything that is wrong with myself? How much more do I really want to hurt? Then again, how much do I want to get help? How much to I want to let other people in?

How much do I want to admit to imperfection?

Hm.

I don't know.

And that's where I am tonight. Full, contented, confused. We'll see how it looks in the morning.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

These last few days have been hectic; my diploma (i.e worth 50% of your entire mark) exams have now begun. My out look on life has remained hovering above the line between OK and Wonderful. I find that as common stress-inducers, such as exams, get closer - and as everyone starts freaking out and getting depressed - I fake a lot more. Like today I wrote Part A, written of my English diploma and I didn't allow myself to get nervous lest I break not only my own perfect mask, but the confidence of my friends.

What hasn't happened this week? I've woken up happy and depressed, gotten angry and wanted to cut, been jealous and hateful. Conniving and deceitful, mostly. Desperate.

I've been bottling everything up again. Not that I ever truly stopped, I just started talking about certain things with certain people and it kept everything from reaching the brink. But... I mean, last night - and tonight, though not as bad - I got so desperate for SOMETHING that I binged on vegetables, homemade lowcal hummus and oatmeal. I just ate and ate. I stayed on my cleanse, but I binged. What a fuckup. Like, really? If I'm going to stuff myself, at least deviate from the diet so I can get what I want sooner.

Tomorrow brings two frightening things:1) Social Studies diploma Understand, Social Studies is my thing. I own social studies like Stalin owns his mustache. But I haven't studied, and I literally know nothing about anything. It's two blind essays I have to write in 3hrs tomorrow and I'm scared shitless that i'll walk into the class and blank. I'm scared my teacher will be disappointed. I'm scared to show people a weakness - that I couldn't get my mind off my binge long enough to study. More than anything, I am scared for university - I am scared that this mark may say to proffessors that I'm not good enough to get into a social sciences program. I'm scared I'm going to be pursuing the wrong thing... ugh. I'm just scared.

2) Dress Shopping with a natural size 0, Z's gorgeous cousin and two more girls who are normal sized but extremely confident and have no issue letting their "curves" show. I'm scared that my binge will show. I know it's destroyed my sense of cleanliness - my stomach is bloated. How can I step out in a form-fitting dress and giggle and laugh while my ugliness is right there in front of their faces? But, I have to do it. I want to too... because I am finally being included in their group. God, at least the cleanse will prevent me from indulging in mall junk food.

I am exhausted and I need to sleep. Did I mention I'm taking sleep medication now? I love it. Pop one and be out for hours. Nothing is easier. I can't wait for what this entails as the exam break goes on. Finally, I'll have time for the gym, for the library, for myself...

P.s Writing up that project about Eating Disorders turned out to be insanely difficult. I tried to present a moderate opinion... but, god, I went to one of the mandatory research sites that basically blamed every manifestation of eating disorders in teens on models, media and emotional "distress". Also, it was often a way of acting out against parents and peers.

Ugh. I wanted to go on about how wrong it was. And, to an extent, I did. But I had to reign myself in because I would give away too much... anyways.

Monday, January 11, 2010

I have little to say about today other than it was moderately successful - save for a forgivable mistake where I ate a small, plain wheat pancake instead of a barley-soymilk pancake (ew, right? but I was running late and had to grab something on the fly) and a sleepless night. End story. What I do have is a few questions and... well, not proposal, but I guess just something to throw out there.

Firstly, and one would think I would know the "right" (is there one?) answer to this, but when is the correct/most accurate time to weigh yourself? Based purely on what I believe to be logic, I usually get up, walk up stairs, pee, undress, weigh myself, then shower.

However, this morning I had a strange experience. I did just that and I came in at 132. What in great blue sky? 8ilbs over night? Nooo. I showered and dried my hair (which, hilariously enough, adds about 2-3ilbs when soaking wet!) At that point, I weighed 137. After having a single glass of water and an apple, because I was kind of confused, I weighed again. This time I was at 142.

That's right, 10ilbs gained in under an hour.

WHAT THE HECK. Can someone tell me what happened? What should I believe?

Secondly, I am doing a project in "Life Management" class about "Healthy Choices for the Teenage Brain". I pretty much kill myself laughing through the class as we "explore" the impacts of unhealthy choices and as the online teacher crones over our less-than-half-assed work sending back responses like:

This is very interesting _____. Well done, you truly explore points that I haven't even thought of! You should talk to guidance.

or

You seem to have good knowledge about ______. Have you ever had to experience it? Come and talk to me if you want!

or the ever-dreaded

Come see me.

Um. No. I'm sorry if you believe that my response about how parent's controlling their teens internet use does little - if nothing - to prevent cyber bullying is suspicious. It's the truth, sir. Preach. Ugh. Anywho... the project:

I'm doing a "multimedia, informative presentation" on eating disorders. My disdain for the class pushed me to pick the subject as both a matter or ease and a matter of irony because, simply due to the teacher's ridiculously low IQ and my ridiculously impeccable reputation as a student, it will be praised as a work of compassion and understanding.

May I get a L O L?

So, my question to all you lovelies is what topics should I explore about what we know best.

What secrets of our secret society shall I reveal! What shall be kept secret? What would you say? What may be too revealing? Or should I open my cache of thinspo sites and go Ctrl C? What are the most important aspects of this? Misconceptions? Correct stereotypes? You tell me :)

[P. S - Dot you rock my socks right off my toes. ]

[P. P. S - sorry for this ridiculous post. As I said, I had max 30mins of sleep last night. Huzzah, huzzah! ]

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Mostly because, in general, I had a really good weekend. I hung out with people on Friday, even had some (extremely innocent, nothing happened) time alone with Z. in the hot tub. Saturday I studied all day, then went swimming and movie-ing with the same crowd. I'm damn sure now he doesn't like me, he's seen me in a swim suit beside several variations of skinny, pretty girls. Oh well.

I woke up this morning just in a bad mood. Simply in a bad mood. Everything was wrong. I weighed and measured myself - no change. It's completely frustrating because I've worked so hard to follow the regimen and exercise.

I'm more frustrated because I am, more than anything probably, an emotional binge eater. So today, for example, when my dad goes off on me about not having a picture-perfect room and not waking up early enough, and he threatens not to let me go to Dal (to which I responded that I would be legal and could do whatever I wanted by that point - he yelled at me for being impertinent and disrespectful), all I can think about is food.

To an extent, the cleanse is like a second-layer of protection. One that is accountable and over-arching the emotional self-hate. To an extent, I'm thinking - GOD why am I doing this? It's making everything worse. I'm not doing this for my mom, not even for myself... this is for ana/ed. And... right now, that is not good.Right now, I think I am the the ugliest, stupidest, worthless person I know. Lazy. I question the word feel, because the tightness in my chest that I am feeling right now accompanies every negative emotion I have.

I want to just punch something. To cut something. To DO something.

But I won't because I am a good girl.

Because if I become any more of a psychopath then I already am, then I am guaranteed to never have a) a boyfriend, b) success, c) happiness.

So, I am sorry for the negative vibes. I also think it's bad to post this because I feel (haha) like I'm only ever complaining on this. Whine whine whine. /end.

P.S I couldn't find a picture for this post. So, you get some crappy doodles of mine for visual stimulus. Hurrah.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Approximately 20mins before bedtime I went and checked the mail and walked to dog. On this frigid night, who knew what was waiting me? Oh. I do. My ACCEPTANCE LETTER to DALHOUSIE UNIVERSITY (One of Canada's "Ivy League" universities, so to speak). I am VERY stoked on life right now. I am also extremely nervous and anxious and freaking-out-ish, but I can't stop smiling so I assume it's more stoked-ness than nervousness-ness...

I've dreamt of attending Dalhousie since I was... well, probably since Grade 6 when I started thinking about universities. It's going to cost me an arm and a leg - and later in life, the student debt will probably slowly gorge out my eyes - but I DON'T CARE.

So yeah.

The day kind of stinked until then - not for any particular reason. Just recovering from yesterday. And surviving on very little sleep and 3 failed attempts at caffienation (no lies, made 2 separate cups of coffee - one that spilled and one that I forgot at home in the thermos - and then forgot my stach of green-tea at home so I couldn't have emergency caffeine at school). And people being stupid.

AND breakup drama. Why does being in high school constitute taking a moderately insignificant issue and exploding it into vast clusterfucks of idiocy? Moreover, why do actors take other people's drama and make it their own?

Anyways. (this also ridiculously contributes to my uppity mood) Z. broke up with his girlfriend. It was a mutual agreement this morning and this afternoon they were playing 20 questions as friends because they didn't talk as a couple. But everyone is blowing it completely out of proportion and everyone else's relationship are now "on the rocks" and there are accusations flying around like little tweety-birds on cocaine. (yeah, I make sense)

I know that it's stupid to think anything about it... But when I heard they broke up... I smiled inwardly. I know it has nothing to do with me, but a girl can dream right?

SPEAKING OF DREAMS - I had a dream last night about binging. I'm pretty sure that the entire dream was just me eating cakes and junk. I woke up with an absolutely insane craving for icing and cupcakes and all sorts of stuff. I'm not someone who craves sweets. I crave things like sushi - savory things, salty things. Not cake. It was SO odd.

I know it was my mood and my cleanse that made it happen, but it was still so so weird. And upseting - I woke up thinking I had spent all night eating. Then I realized that we definitely didn't have cake or cookies or chips in the house. And it was alllll gooood.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Today was rough. I've been resisting the urge to cut/binge/fall back into the internal-screaming self-hate loop all day. I feel myself becoming more OCD as the cleanse continues, which is both good and bad. It's good because I find it easier to sort out my thoughts, but it's bad because I end up freaking out more.

Like this morning I woke up late - which ruined my plan of doing early morning studying and screwed up my entire day's schedule. Ok. Fine. I go to Bio and find out that one of my friend's sister is manic depressive and is diagnosed with anorexia. She ranted about it for a while and, though she is lean, she is not anorexic nor does she have the mind set for it, now her parents are ragging on her about it.

Then, I got my last unit test back. It was a test I took on the 15th of December. That was right smack dab in the middle of my reoccurring depression, my almost cutting... I was so upset about Z. and about life in general. Should I really be surprised by the 70% I got? No. Am I extremely pissed off? Yes. They were STUPID mistakes - like counting and basic math stupid. I knew the material.

I just am so frustrated with myself now. Like, UGH. I am such an idiot. How did I let it get to me so much. Now I am freaking out because I need to go into the diploma with at least a 90% and this is going to bring it down so incredibly far. I wasn't going to take diploma prep because my parents don't have the money for it, but now I am freaking out because I NEED Bio for university. What if I bomb the test? What if I get upset and I can't calm down? What if I screw up everything?

I wrote "Idiot" on my wrist to remind myself all day.

And that was first period.

Social was a blind essay. The topic was OK and my thesis was good, but I was emotional because of Bio and I realized I should have talked about other things too late... ugh. UGH. I love social. If I fail this... god. I just want to SCREAM.

At lunch I was talking to a one of the other stage managers, Jess, and she was ranting about how everyone was going on about how skinny she was. She has lost like 7ilbs - and I am kind of worried because I've seen signs in her, but I also know she is having family issues and it might be depression or anxiety. Anyways, she has the perfect body - boobs, tiny tiny waist, decent hips but thin, shapely legs. And she's just there going on about how annoying it is to have people tell her she is thin and how stupid it is because she hasn't lot a noticeable amount of weight.

For me, personally, if someone were to say something about my weight I'd flip shit internally, but I wouldn't say anything. I am extremely touchy about it. It made me so uncomfortable. I was already mad and it took everything I had to not say, "Yeah, it must suck being gorgeous and wanted."

Spare I was mad.

English I was tired, unmotivated and mad. Then I got my last creative response back (mind, it was blind and we weren't allowed to write essays) and I got a B+. It is a decent grade, especially because I am NOT a creative writer, but because of the day I had had I freaking lost it inside. On the outside, I laughed and congratulated myself for passing. Lies, lies, lies.

I came home wanting nothing more than to sleep (I'm running on 8hrs for the past two days). But then I started watching eating-disorder related movies and docu's as well as listening to my cache of thinspo music. All the while I'm debating with myself over how DUMB it is to fall back into the loop and how DUMB it is to be indulging my own selfish obsession with myself while I should, really, be working on the mound of homework I have.

At the same time, I was thinking: I weighed 136ilbs this morning. Maybe if I can hold it together, someone will notice eventually. Maybe...

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Day 2 is done and successful :) Don't know the cal count because I didn't keep close track of almonds and a dab of olive oil dressing, but it's close to, if not under, 1000. Wonderful.

So, for Christmas my "main" gift (all the kids get one) was an Archos Vision 3 mp3 player. It was nice and I needed a new one but - honestly - I really wanted an iPod Touch. But, I also knew it was more expensive then they would spend. So, I happily accepted my gift. But then I started to use it. Understand that when people buy things for me I feel terrible - like, I have dreams - if I don't use it or something. I feel like I'm disappointing them or I'd hurt their feelings if I returned the gift or regifted or something. Anyways, the Archos is more of a video player than an mp3. It was difficult to use, too big, and over all it was not what I wanted.

But, it was from my parents! It was their present. What was I going to do, go up to them and say: "so, yeah... this sucks" ? I agonized over it. Finally, and I don't know what made me do it, but I hinted to my mom that the iPod was what I was actually interested in. And I ended up convincing her to let me put down the difference (about 100$) on the iPod and return the mp3.

Why is this so important to me?

I did it for myself. Me. Last year I would have said nothing to anyone and I would have lived with an mp3 that I hated. I don't do things like that. I don't tell my parents what I want. I don't freak out if things don't work out the way I want them to.

But, it has made me think a little more on my own selfishness. I constantly tell myself that I had to take a step back and start taking care of myself instead of throwing everything that I have into school and clubs and volunteering and friends. But then I loop back to worthlessness and my need to be needed. But then I come to the idea that since I need to be needed, even though I don't believe myself worth anyone or really anything from other people, aren't I - in a sense - existing on an entirely selfish whim? Everything that I do is only to feed my obsession with being wanted. What is even worse is that I am in permanent denial about that.

But, dude, I bought MYSELF a completely material, relatively unimportant or helpful piece of BRAND NAME technology. Obviously, if I am worth an overpriced tablet with music, then I am worth some self-confidence?

This is going to be quick - but I've been sneaking on the internet all day to re-read your guys' comments and I really feel the need to just say THANK YOU so much. It's so stupid to feel suckish when people "ignore you" (which you weren't I know!) or "forget you" over the internet... but it did a little and I feel so stupid because with a flick of a button...

Haha, welcome to my life. Anyways, I will have a real post for you tonight - with something to say actually. I always get SO much love from you guys and I really, truly appreciate it. Blah-blah-blah, rambling.

I am surviving the first day back to school on this crazy cleanse - I feel a lot better already. That's something I really like about this particular diet, you feel it immediately. It's extremely difficult, even for someone who doesn't really care, to get enough calories every day. I felt like a pig yesterday, eating soups, fish, rice, nuts etc all day but in the end it came up to under 900cals...

Monday, January 4, 2010

First of all - Dot: I'm sorry you couldn't comment on my blog - some others have been having issues. I have removed the word verification aspect, but if it still doesn't work can someone let me know? I'll go back to the normal blogger layout because I'd rather have comments :)

Anyways, as always, especially from you, your post made me smile. I can never thank you, or anyone who comments, enough for the support and encouragement no matter where I am (or where I have been). Dot, YOU are a wonderful person. You're absolutely beautiful and so strong - completely admirable. I wish you the best for this New Year.

These first few days have been rollercoaster-y on the eating front, completely and annoyingly level on the weight front and increasingly better on the life front. Make sense? Good... yeah.

Starting with the life front. Most of you probably don't know, but last year I was FAR far closer to the graduating class than people in my own grade. It had to do with a maturity aspect and the fact that they appreciated me a lot more as someone who was often in a position of power (especially in theatre). That has led, I think, to the shock of having to deal with people of my own age this year - and the abandonment that comes with it. Anywho - the Gr.12s from last year were back these last 2weeks for Christmas and I've been out every night skating or having coffee or watching movies or whatever. It was like pumping steroids in to my social life. I'm going to miss it, but having them back has uped my confidence a little, you know? Maybe this semester will go a little bit better.

I've been sticking to my resolution too. I used to shut my eyes when I undressed to go to the shower, but I now force myself to look in the mirror and to look at the scars and the rolls. I force myself to say: OK. This is me. Time to change.

Change, however, is not coming quite yet. I've been 137-141 all throughout Christmas break. UGH.

HOWEVER. There is change a-comin'. Firstly, I have renewed my gym membership and my commitment to exercise. I've been twice so far and once school starts it'll be much easier as it's only a 10min walk. So, what's going to happen is I am going to BALLOON to 150-155 for a week as my body goes - "Oh shit muscle, oh shit water, oh shit lactic acid!" then I'll drop back to 140 and start losing HOPEFULLY.

Moreover, my mother has let me join her on a "cleanse" for support. However, she won't let me take the pills and laxatives that come along with the actual cleanse, so, for me, it's really just a diet. Which she is ok with for some reason. Anyways, it's a 12day Wild Rose Cleanse. This constitutes:

no wheat

no sugar (brown, white or honey)

no oil or peanuts

no processed food

no dairy products (milk, cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese)

no exotic fruits (only pears and apples)

no beef

Sound like a recipe for weightloss or what? The ideal diet is fish, almonds and brown rice.

Today was Day 1 and I am committed! I can't bring myself to post a real before picture... maybe half way through. How about measurements?

It's about time too. There has been cake and all other manner of shit in my house for the last few days. Plus, my secret santa at work got me a basket of Lindor chocolates as her gift to me. Whoopee. Out of the 40, I only had 3 I think - the rest I shared. Which is a small victory since those things are bloody delicious.

So, the picture is my outfit for a recent Murder Mystery party. I was a bitchy, Caribbean debutante-heiress named "Berri". Sorry for the random, rambling post. I'm avoiding homework and facebook is no longer interesting me... Hope everyone is having a wonderful week!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Well, it's 2010. For me, without a shadow of a doubt, it is going to be a year of endings. I will finish my life as a public-school attendee; I will graduate high school and accomplish the first major milestone in my academic life. Yet, it will also be a year of great beginnings. I will start university and become independent as an adult and as a person - fully and completely - and I will embark on a completely new road of life.

I'm not one who believes in resolutions - I break mine too often. But, this year, as much as I want to list: a) lose weight, b) get a guy, c) graduate with a 85%+ average etc etc I have something more broad in mind. It's something that, I think, is going to essentially cover everything, yet I am not defining how to go about it.

In 2010, I resolve to move on.

I resolve to move on from the stupidity and hurtful scars inflicted by my peers in Elementary school and Jr. High. I resolve to take family life in stride and to always remember that, beyond the years of verbal, physical and emotional abuse and neglect, they are my family. And I resolve to move beyond the mirror, beyond my plate, beyond my blade and beyond this blog to embrace my issues and my scars and to, finally, truly and sincerely begin to disassemble the pristine mask that is plastered permanently across my face. I resolve to move on from what everyone knows me to be and what I think I should be in response in order to begin to become who I am.

Think I can do it?

(p.s - last year, one of my nyr's was to live a gr.12 life I would want to remember - so for the first time I spent new years with 8 of my closest friends. We drank, ate, played games and spilled beans on eachother's shit. And it was something I'd want to remember.)

Revitalize

About Me

I live in a perpetual grey-area. I struggle with perfectionism, EDNOS tendencies and depression. These are my ramblings, observations and desires. They are a reflection of what my real world will never know.