LADY DIANA practice.

DEAD sore throat and a headache.

Nurse: That doesn’t sound like Chlamydia. for everything I suppose. Does it hurt when you urinate? Male: (Now very angry) Of course it Male: Well that’s ‘cos it’s not. It’s a sore does! It’s a frigging sore throat; it hurts throat. all the time, regardless of whether I’m Nurse: Gonorrhea? pissing or not! Look, is there anything Male: (Getting irate) No, a sore throat. you can do for my throat? Nurse: (Ignoring him) Mandy, come in Nurse: Do you think a condom would here. help? (Mandy, another nurse, enters) Male: (Patronisingly) Well, no, not Nurse: Mandy, this lad says he’s got a really. sore throat. Nurse: Sorry, can’t help you then. Mandy: Could be Herpes. How many (Rugby player enters, being held up two times have you had sex in the last week? team-mates and bleeding profusely Male: (Looking embarrassed) Well I’ve from the leg) been going through a bit of a dry patch Mandy: (Indignantly) Crabs; Room recently. Four.

Iraq Troops to be brought out ‘bit by bit’ Matt Hindle but emphasised the importance of hearts and minds. Parts of the army will remain Tony Blair has announced plans for a step- in the Basra region, but only those which 1961-1997-2007? by-step withdrawal of troops from Iraq. are "physically stuck" to buildings.Nick Collins the evening, as a brave pigeon He revealed that the operation was in fact already underway, having messenger arrived at the Stockton started almost as soon as Saddam wasStudents in Stockton were in shock library front desk some ten years removed.last night as news arrived that Lady after being dispatched from Speaking to Parliament, Blair said:Diana Spencer, former wife to Durham Cathedral. Stockton, a "Troops are coming out of IraqPrince Charles and mother to sons small hamlet of Durham, has been bit by bit. This morning 500 arms wereWilliam and Harry, had been killed reliably provided with news via flown back to Britain, and later today we'rein a car crash in Paris in 1997. pigeon post by the bishop of expecting almost as many legs." The story is believed to have Durham for centuries... He refused to be pushed over a “They’re coming home,” Blair infiltered through in the late hours of Continued on Page 4... schedule for the removal of major organs, denial? Iraq leg-acy hunting? MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 2

Local News for Local People

Banterweight David Lloyd

News has reached MH that the

GCSE Rebranding Boxing higher echelons of the Durham Alaric Green modernising the learning elite have begun to supplement umbrella and allowing those less their already freakish daytime GCSEs have received a complete bright to shelter under it too; obsessions with activities of an re-branding after an official widening the goalposts for the altogether darker origin. announcement from Downing underachievers if you will." Upturned collars and black Street this week. "The Further developments to pashminas have been sighted Government has become aware the scheme have recently been surreptitiously sneaking into that a significant proportion of outlined in a scratch-and-sniff darkened alleys and congregating those who sit national tests these government document. Flagship in abandoned warehouses. The days are actually unable to spell initiatives, including diplomas in precise purpose of these the acronym GCSE without two 'life skills' for any girl not gatherings remains shrouded in or three mistakes," said a pregnant by her 15th birthday mystery, but inside sources have spokesperson for the Ministry of and a quota of easier 'open- linked the events to the return of Education, with an accent. access' subjects in all major the illegal and highly dangerous "It has therefore been universities such as football trivia, category of boxing known in suggested that the tests are interpretive hairstyles, and Durham patois as ‘banterweight’. henceforth simply referred to as geography, are due to be A perversion of the noble sport 'Es.' Our research tells us that implemented by 2008. of CHAT (Conceiving of young people will at least want to The spokesman Homosexual Allegations Towards get hold of them then. They'll concluded: "In the modern era, others), illicit networks of mainly involve altogether more we realise that it is a very unjust ‘banterweight’ organisations have straightforward and uneducated society which refuses to allow been causing problems in several questions." thick people the chance to pass other universities including St. He went on to add (a tests. As the Lib Dems have Andrews, Exeter and Edinburgh. concept which had to be shown us, it's the taking part that Our source declined to comment explained to two listening 'E' really counts – deliberately setting upon details of the practice, but maths students): "We are in no questions knowing that certain one thing became clear to this way widening the goalposts for proportions of the candidates reporter – the first rule of the underachievers. Education won't be able to answer them is banterweight is not to talk about standards are as high as ever they unfairly discriminating against banterweight. have been. We are simply idiots."

EDITORIAL for student journalism really

Environmental WARNING A warning to all those does have the capacity to change lives. It shortens them. Still, if you can handle

‘mentalismSiddharth Khajuria emissions have expanded order to ground carbonating considering joining the ranks of it, write for us, please? the renowned sceptics at MostlyHarmless: each satirical Editors: sentence you send in could be Siddharth Khajuria your last. A US study published Magnus Taylor following recent reports of obese aeroplanes. Said leading yesterday has shown that ‘cynical Deputy Editor:Durham University bigwigs have Carbon footprinting. As such, ’mentalist chief, Madison Adams, distrust’ dramatically increases Tom Walkeradvised students to be alert when ’mentalists are reportedly slashing ‘the world is getting hotter and the risks of heart disease.their parents come to collect 4x4 tyres at Durham, Edinburgh holidays to hot places are making Subeditorial: Apparently, a cynical Nick Collinsthem at term-end. Reports of and Bristol Universities at the end the world hotter and I don’t like mentality is responsible for Ben GraftonEnvironmentalist mentalist of term. heat. It makes duvet companies increasing inflammation to Rich Haddenchatter have been picked up by Moreover, leading redundant, and my daddy makes potentially fatal levels. We’re not Anton Lazarusintelligence services. ’mentalist organisation GreenWar duvets for a living.’ told where this inflammation Tom Rosenthal It is believed that are advising activists to run into occurs. I, for one, find myself Jules Shipway’mentalist plans to offset Carbon airports screaming ‘Jihad’, in becoming inflamed with Rob Sykes apoplexy at the sight of Mitchell Graphics and Webb doing the Mac Clarice Holt (cartoons) adverts, but I’m not sure if that Jack Logue (images) counts. One thing is clear, Copy: though – becoming a full-time Lucy Davies, Alan Kerr doubting Thomas is a risky Marketing: business. Ian Chapman Think carefully before sinking to the misanthropic Produced by: depths to which we lower www.quotemeprint.com ourselves in every issue of MH, 0845 1300 667 Green politics.

Bird Flu’s coming Rom-antics

to get you survive the first wave of bird flu. Andrew Tickell

Academy award-winning director

Roman Polanski is to deliver a series of motivational speeches to completely overridden. How can this be right?” “I know none of the actors I’ve worked with have ever asked me about it. Why should The unfortunate thirteen will go convicted paedophiles and sex they? They’re not hypocrites, experience a series of symptoms, offenders as part of the 2007 they’re just meritocratists. Good which we like to call "The Three L’École Pédérastique tour of on them, I say.” Steps to a Miserable Death" France. The programme seeks to The director shares the (available as a leaflet and wall- identify talented child offenders stage with Professor Paul Francis poster from your local Post and help them escape the “the Gadd, who will address the Office, and as a PDF file supine state of perpetual apology Annual NAMBLA conference of accessible on our website dominating Western sex offender the L’Ecole on the “Paedophiles’ www.the-end-is-nigh.co.uk): communities.” Aesthetic in History”, strongly 1) Organ cannibalisation. This is Drawing on his own arguing for a distinct and valuable when your liver attacks and eats experience of raping a 13-year sex offenders’ identity, which has your pancreas. In response, your old girl, then fleeing for Paris, the enriched and embroidered stomach performs a kamikaze prominent film director of The artistic, teaching and religious suicide; spilling hydrochloric acid Pianist and Rosemary’s Baby movements across the world. “It’s into your lower intestines. argues that it is time to give fair to say that they (sic) haven’t 2) Avian transmutation. This is “intelligent paedophiles” less had the historical recognition when your hair falls out, and you flack, and recognise their they deserve.” start to grow feathers. Your nose achievements in society. “We live If any readers would be will harden to form a beak, and in a meritocracy. If you’re good at interested in attending the 2007 your arms will bend to form your job, if you’ve got talent, you scheme, please send an e-mail to primitive wings. In other words, succeed, right? But, if you John.Reid@Home-Office.gov.uk you'll look like a complete idiot, happen to dip your wick outside listing your name, age, address and if you'll most likely be society’s comfort zone, this is and IP number. Don’t let him near your children...Matthew Doran and then been promptly gassed by the heroes of DEFRA. mocked by small children wherever you go. 3) Dignity nullification. This is DurhamBird flu's here at last. FinallyDEFRA can reap the rewards of Remember foot-and- mouth? It wiped out nearly half where you become socially retarded. You may start to take an Library inits alarmist propaganda. Theavian plague-of-death is upon us: of the United Kingdom's rural population [based on the findings interest in local politics, and begin wearing cagoules and hiking Superbrothelrepent, sinners! Else meet thydoom in a pit of rotting swansand rabbits. (To be completelyhonest, the rabbits had nothing to of a questionnaire we handed out a primary school]? If we at DEFRA hadn't taken it upon ourselves to drink sambuca, and boots. If you had any friends left after the effects of Step 2, you'll lose them during Step 3. Homeless people won't accept neogotiations Siddharth Khajuria efficiency gains such a servicedo with the whole fiasco, but we then drive around the farms in a your spare change, and your own would provide brothelkilled them all just in case.) Hide land rover, arbitrarily machine- mother will begin to resent you. In an expansion of the managers.in your bomb shelters and stock gunning flocks of sheep, you Also, your head might fall off. Government’s policy of Vice Chancellorup your food, because this is the poor sods would all be dead by There you go, folks! It's spreading vice through the Kenneth Calman is alsoreal thing. This is the pandemic now. And sure, we may have hit a going to be a long and painfulthat surely spells the end for few farmers along the way, but if country’s most deprived areas, believed to see the venture as few years ahead. Now that youhumanity as we know it. it's a crime to love one's country Durham Library has the perfect opportunity to know the facts, it's time to kick Well sure; the human so much that one is willing to start the whole affair. If you see a succeeded in its bid to become pluck remaining Universitydeath-count in Britain is zero, and shoot country-folk in the pursuit dead bird, try to lick it, or if this the UK’s first super-brothel. departments out of the centrethe 50,000 turkeys died because of a successful isn't possible, trick a small child Following the failed of Durham and place themwe gassed them, but these are just culling, then I'll into doing so. bid to have the library open 24 upon the Hill. Durham’sthoughtless statistics! They're march to jail with Bird flu is coming hours, University Staff chose Historians are reportedlydesigned to make you 'act a song in my whether you like it or not, and to utilise the building when delighted at the prospect ofsensibly'. The sensible bastards heart. you won't survive without closed. It is believed that the working besides a cutting-edgewon't be laughing so hard when According to our DEFRA bid’s success hinged on the New Labour whorehouse.they've all mutated into chickens predictions, only unique nature of the Library’s That, and being closer to theat the hands of the H5N1 virus, about one in fourteen people will short-loan section and the library.

Cameron Bashing Diana Nick Collins (from front page)

This incident of delayed news has added weight to demands for the internet to be introduced to Stockton, in the absence of anyBecause someone’s got to... reliable form of contact with the ...but it seems that this particular surrounding world. Stockton liesRichard Hadden is, quite frankly, just as dogs onto the Cameron. The bird, or ‘Ernie’, as he was fondly too far away from civilisation to disgusting.” Paxman species (Howardem known by monks at Durham receive television or radio signals,Leading Conservatives called on Originating last year Interroganesis) is specially-bred for Cathedral, was delayed by an and national newspapers refuse tothe government last night to about the time of the hunting, and can stalk its prey for unfortunate combination of deliver to the small ruralenforce last year’s ban on blood Conservative Party leadership hours before unleashing vicious unusually inclement weather, and a community due to its treacheroussports, following an outbreak of election, ‘Cameron Bashing’, say attacks, normally brutal hyper-sensitive migrational hill passes and laughably low entrythe particular vile practice of critics, is a vile and ignoble interrogations over taxation instinct. Biologists at Durham requirements. “It’s sort of like‘Cameron Bashing’ by left- practice, which leads to the grim policies, which disable the University department believe that letting yourself down,” any extended period of rainfall commented one delivery driver.leaning satirical magazines such destruction and possible Cameron long enough for the may have caused Ernie to fly south “You just think…it’s not worth the ‘Bashers’ to batter it to death immediately, and estimate that, effort, or the embarrassment of with heavy clubs (typically the since being dispatched by the saying you went to Stockton.” Saturday edition of the The bishop in 1997, he could have However, it seems that Guardian). migrated back to Togo up to 72 the pigeons won’t be out of a job Supporters of Cameron times. just yet. “Most of our students Bashing, including the Students at Stephenson can’t tell their arse from their moderately shady Labour Party and John Snow colleges are elbow,” commented one member organisation, have hit back, launching a protest today, of staff. “What’s the point of citing an undercover BBC report demanding an extended police giving them computers? It’ll take (filmed by Andrew Marr wearing inquiry into Lady Diana's death. them a term to get past the basics a ‘hat’) which shows leading Incensed at the press’s role in the of minesweeper. Far too much Tories engaged in the sport of incident, protest organiser Wayne hassle.” ‘Brown Baiting’. Whilst not Thomas said: “This can be no Meanwhile, Ernie won’t actually illegal, and actively coincidence. This is part of a press be delivering any more messages encouraged in the back streets of conspiracy to generate a for a while. On his arrival in Kircaldy, Brown Baiting involves sensational story. Or it's that evil Stockton, he was greeted as a hero, Prince Philip trying to get his son’s and immediately given an tying Gordon Brown to a meddlesome ex-wife out of the honourary degree and fellowship MostlyHarmless personified? wooden stake driven into the way. Or some kind of CIA plot in philosophy. He now resides in ground and taunting him with about something. It’s as clear as private rooms in John Snow,as Mostly Harmless. extinction of the cuddly comments like, “What colour is daylight.” Said the Shadow Cameron species (Voidus the lampshade in the masterDefence Secretary, Liam FoxMP: “The government went outof its way to ban Fox Huntinglast year, despite huge uprisings politiquensis). The ‘sport’ allegedly involves traditions such as ‘harrying’ (the following of the Cameron round parliament bedroom of Number 10? Wouldn’t you like to know!”. Having enraged the Brown, participants normally retreat to Internshit Siddharth Khajuria They know you’re doing an Artsamongst minority groups such as whilst giggling), ‘lampooning’ avoid being ‘clunked’ (hit with degree your parents are scared ofthe landed gentry. But now it (the throwing of sharpened vicious lumps of rhetoric such asThey’re offering you chocolate and all you want to do is earn a bitappears they are reneging on ‘lampoons’ – bits of unused “Och”, “You young money and exclaiming of money so that you can go savetheir promise to outlaw the wind turbines) and ‘asking whippersnappers” and “Look at ‘Profitunity!’ They’ll be thrusting Africa with the few spare weeksinnocent massacre of small furry questions about policy’ (the the size of my economic cookies into your hands outside left in September, when the Sudananimals. If my tweed-donning asking of questions concerning growth”). the Students’ Union and telling is hot, but not too sticky.constituents in the notably sane Conservative Party policy). Brown baiting has you their summer internship is just Why do you want to workdistrict of North Somerset aren’t Particularly bloodthirsty recently been outlawed by newly the place to be. for any of these companies? Iallowed to hunt foxes, it would Cameron Bashers have been created bye-laws in the Through charm, wit, and dunno, maybe because they paybe completely hypocritical to let known to set specially trained constituency of Sedgefield. chocolate-chip cookie fuelled guile, more than the local Spar, you’vethese filthy liberal satirists go and sharp-toothed ‘Paxman’ they’re securing your futures and got time to fill and are vaguelyabout ‘Cameron Bashing’, which blunting your minds. curious? Apply, go on, there might If this firm or that firm

The Gospel according to still be a spot at Deloitte’s

Scunthorpe office. All the London spots will already have been taken really, really care about whether or not you want to dedicate your soul to their 18 hour days already, surely

Jonny Wilkinson by the sly buggers who spent their

Novembers applying away. Those online you’ve got to wonder whether they’re worth working for? Well, at least until you’reTom Walker questionnaires, brilliant stuff. No 25 and have figured out that need for your C.V. anymore, they idealistic naiveté lands you underIf at first you don’t succee…oh, find out what they want to know. Elvet Bridge with cardboard andbollocks. Very clever folk, these. soggy, dodgy student newspapers(Editor’s note: Jonny’s Why, Miss Huntington, for a pillow.triumphant return to journalism do you want to work for It’s not that people carewas tragically cut short by a Accenture? “Because you gave me about money more than anythingbroken fingernail. He hopes to a cookie.” else; it’s that they don’t care aboutresume writing in 2008) Who knows? These anything else more than money… keep on keepin’ on... things are pretence-filled charades.

Interview with a Student CommunistMagnus Taylor importance of image. When Patsy and Nigel do. We always have people see me around campus these amazing discussions aboutThis week, MH talks to Graeme wearing my Che Guevara t-shirt, Africa and stuff and whichAndrews. Graeme likes computer games, hammer and sickle hat and ‘Make Communist country we’d most likehanging out with his mates and the Poverty History’ wrist band, they’ll to visit. It normally comes out asorganisation of global communist know that I’m a fully paid up Cuba or China.revolution. member of the party. Then they It sounds a bit like your Hi Graeme, what can come to me with all their organisation is just you and aoriginally got you interested in Communism-related questions. I couple of friends talking aboutcommunism? think it’s very important to communism in the pub; do youI can’t really remember. I think it communicate the fact that we are have any formal structure towas probably because I kept seeing thoroughly modern Marxists who your meetings or any realloads of poor people where I live know about things like Big Brother programme of action?in Hartlepool and just really and McDonalds, and aren’t just We all firmly believe thatwanting to do something to help concerned with what some boring communism shouldn’t bethem. I also saw this film once old German guy wrote about something that you just take part inabout a guy called Che Guevara economics. once a week at a meeting. It shouldwho was a sort of motorbike But don’t you think an be like a hobby that you can do allcommunist. I thought that it would intimate knowledge of the time. I’m a Communist andbe really cool if I could be a bit like communist ideology is everyone around here knows me ashim. fundamental to what it is to be ‘Graeme the Communist.’ I see Right. Couldn’t you ‘a Communist?’ Communism as being withinhave just given some money to Well, yes and no. Of course, I’ve everyone. We obviously doChildren in Need or read Marx. Well, just ‘The ultimately aim for a complete andsomething? Communist Manifesto’ - it’s total world revolution whereI tried that, but I just didn’t feel actually quite short and you can everyone will live happily in peacethat I was translating my true skip out the boring bits, no and harmony. However, at thedisgust at global poverty into a problem. But you can’t expect moment we’ll just be happy ifstrong public image for myself. everyone to have done. There just people notice that we are seriousYou see, being a Communist isn’t isn’t time, what with Jeremy Kyle, Communists and not, as Comradejust something you do once a week Hollyoaks and Neighbours filling Patsy once said, ‘just bloody young- it’s a complete lifestyle and up your day. socialists…those guys have noclothing choice. How many of your fucking idea.’ Is clothing choice an friends are Communists? Thanks Graeme. Nextintegral part of the Marxist All of them, really. I’m not sure I week we’ll be talking to Henryphilosophy? could hang out with someone who Williams, a neo-Nazi with a Clarice HoltI think that, in this modern age, wasn’t. They just wouldn’t passion for horticulture.you can’t underestimate the understand me in the same way as Meet Graeme...

Tragic confusion in Lebanon Al-GNER in

Andrew Tickell

Two years after the tragic

States. In an exclusive anonymous article we noticed in the Comment section of the perished, alongside bodyguards and civilians while the journalistic blimp escaped 21 terrorist strikeassassination of Rafiq Hariri in Independent, it has been revealed unscathed.Beirut, Lebanon in 2005, Mostly that the true target of the “It’s really was a terribleHarmless has acquired explosive killing was not the mix up,” said Miranda Hari,documents disputing the alleged popular ex-PM, but fat journalist, mother of the failed victim. “ISyrian involvement which has Joham Hari, who was holidaying know Joham won’t mind mecast a shadow over relations around the corner.between the two Middle Eastern Due to a series of mistakes and mismanagements, the assassins placed the explosives in the Rue Minet al Hosn instead of Rue de la Grosse Tapet where Hari was staying. Independent Journalist Joham Middle-East coast warfare This mistake was compounded Hari Seb de Lemos midst of a war between the West by a tragically unforeseen stutter and Middle-East coast main lines. of the cochlea, causing the saying this, but it is always A Virgin train was derailed last So far, Virgin have had the upper assassin incorrectly to identify the difficult to love a fat child.” week in what is suspected to be hand, with successful strikes at car of “Hariri” rather than Hari. Joham Hari inclined to an attack by the terrorist group Potters Bar, Copsmanthorpe, and The late Rafiq Hariri Former Prime Minister Hariri comment. AL-GNER. This comes in the Selby.

Duncan demands ‘DO NOTHING’ - NEW

bigger pie DSU Campaign revealed!Justin Leslie him in hand-to-hand combat. And don’t even get me started onDSU President Alex Duncan is the Presidents. There are toospearheading a new campaign to many fingers in this pie, when itensure he can get a “Bigger Pie”. should be my face.”Explaining the ‘Unity Campaign’, However, progess isDuncan told MH: “I like pie – being made. Duncan has been insimple as that. That’s why I’m so communication with pie-industrypassionate about this issue – any heavy-weight Bernard Manning,pie that comes into DSU always who is said to be “equallygets split unevenly so I get the passionate on the issue.” Insmallest bit. This is just unfair on addition, the celebrity patrons ofsomeone addicted to pastry the Pie Consumer League (PCL),products”. Vanessa Feltz, Clarissa Dickson- This problem has Wright, Fern Britton and Jonnyprovoked rifts within the Student Vegas, have all pledged to throwUnion. Quentin Sloper, DUAU their formidable collective bulkPresident, is reputed to be a behind the campaign.notorious pie-fiend while, as Duncan’s attempts tousual, the JCR Presidents are hell- pimp his pie seem a triflebent on getting their slice of the ambitious to this reporter. Still,action. Duncan continued: with his history of devotion to“When you’re dealing with Greggs and Peter’s Bakery, andsomeone like Sloper, it’s not a his single-minded dedication toquestion of negotiation – you the cause, there’s no telling whereeither distract him by showing Pi his pastry exploits may take him.on your calculator or you engage

Durham Business Chatter

Tom Walker Durham’s unique character. A spokesman for the little-known Durham’s struggling businesses underground nightspot, condemned the city’s recent ‘Walkabout’, told MH: “It’d be corporate development at a terrible if we allowed soulless protest yesterday. A group of and faceless chain plucky independent outfits - establishments like consisting of Varsity, Hide, Café Wetherspoons’ to take over Nero and Chase – expressed Durham – we’ve certainly never their concerns at the loss of tolerated them before.” Durham’s independent soul?Page 7| Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

The MostlyHarmless Team of the Week

Magnus Taylor Jack Logue (image) Perfect forThe MH EasyEssay In the first of a number of Easy____s MH walks you binge shoppingBooks and prints to musical instruments through an essay. Next time, EasyCV... Homebrew to Home CookingTo what extent did the ________________? Discuss. Anton Lazarus Party Jokes to Party Foods________-ians/-ists/-phers (please delete) have been debating the issue of __________ since the creation Shellfish to Shoesof the discipline in ____. As Victor Hugo once remarked: “There is nothing more powerful than an ideawhose time has come”. Ever since, this issue has been at the forefront of public debate.

This essay will discuss the _____________ of _______________, including the influential writings of__________, _________ and Karl Marx as well as the post-modern and feminist critiques of the question.The classic example of ___________ as well as the contemporary case of ___________ will play a centralrole in determining the outcome of this debate.

_____ ______ believed that the ___________ was/were/is _____________. In ______ (18__) s/hecontended: “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” However, this argument is You’ll be amazed at the variety, quality and value for money on acountered by the more recent claims of ______ in _________(19_), who argues that the “repressively vast range of foods and non-food items in the indoor market.patriarchal nature of society” prevented this issue from making its full impact. Ask at our stalls for any extra student discounts.

The Marxist approach radically changed the nature of the discipline. Prominent names such as: ______(19__), _______ (19__) and _____ (19__), all commented on the issue of class, agreeing that “religion is DURHAMthe opium of the people”.

The advent of globalization/postmodernism/feminism has irrevocably altered the way this issue is now INDOOR MARKETapproached. Contemporary scholars of _________ory/aphy/ogy all suggest that a new approach to this Open Monday to Saturday 9am - 5pmquestion is required in light of the inter-dependence of the globalized world/the uncertainty of modern Market Place, Durhamexistence/women. Tel: 0191 384 6153In conclusion, the arguments of ________ and ________ are too strong to ignore, and yet the counter- www.durhammarkets.co.ukarguments or alternative discourses provided by _________ and ________ are equally persuasive. Itremains to be seen which school of thought will prevail in the long term, and for now the issue seems set ADVERTISE IN MOSTLYHARMLESS. ANY QUERIES ORto remain entirely subjective. Or, as Oscar Wilde/Winston Churchill/Seb Coe/Alex Duncan/George QUESTIONS? EMAIL MOSTLYHARMLESS06@GMAIL.COMAlagiah once put it: “___________________________________________”. MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 8

Borat Does Durham Conspiracy

Ben Grafton Plague research. I am very sad to me laugh, for example your new find that here in Durham, the student president is a woman! In

TheoriesBorat Sagdiev talks to Mostly Plague research department is my country, we say to let womanHarmless about his recent visit to closed for many years due to a be president is like letting monkeyDurham, university life in his lack of funding. fly a plane…very dangerous! I amnative Kazakhstan, and I am also very happy to also very amused by national Tom Rosenthal we heardeverything he has learnt along the see so many beautiful girls in the sport where many dirty men try shocked/stunned/horrified/bewiway… city, who all have very interesting to steal oval ball from other dirty * Diana was murdered by ldered/endangered us: MH: Firstly, fashion. In my country, it is illegal men, before they are pushed to Prince Philip, who was driving “Alex ‘biggest hair in thecongratulations on the recent to wear any kind of fur of animal the ground and raped. the elusive Fiat. business’ Duncan, in a desperatesuccess of your feature film. You that does not bear Kazakstan seal MH: Finally, what do * 11/9 – work it out, remember attempt to prolong his currenthave now been in England for of approval. I am also very you think you have learnt from which country we’re from – was reign of terror, is intending tojust over a week. What are your surprised to see that in Durham, your time in Durham, and what an inside job, probably clone himself multiple times toimpressions of Durham? there are not so many of other plans do you have for the future? masterminded by Enya. form an army of Duncans. He Wa-wa-wee-wa! Durham races. After searching for many First I think I have learnt * Ant out of Ant and Dec has and his army were responsible foris certainly very beautiful city. I days, I have not managed to find that to fit in with British students, a secret room in his forehead that overseeing the recent DSUlike particularly your famous a single man with geunine I must drink like a horse. The stores secret government files. sabbatical elections.”‘North Road’ with its one chip chocolate-face, which I find very price of your beer is very cheap, * Prince Harry’s real father is The campaigns mightshop, Blockbuster video store, strange, because in the US and A, and tastes very nice when I none other than Mr. Motivator seem to a non-CT expert to haveand laundry facilities. In I saw very many. compare it to traditional wine of (first name unknown). been part of a healthy electionKazakhstan, we must do our own MH: What kind of my country, which is made from process, with some candidateswashing in local river, but in things have you done in your time goat’s urine. Second, I notice that You will, of course, recognise even appearing to be women.Durham I see only people in in Durham, and how have you in England not every girl you that these are some of the most However, this was just a cunningrowing-boats and sometimes coped with being famous? meet in nightclub wants to make popular Conspiracy Theories attempt to hide the shockingnaked homosexuals swimming It is true that thanks to a sexy-time with you in the toilets, circulating today. They are all the truth. Flo Herbert, the new DSUthere, when they have had too my moviefilm, many people in but only some of them. rage now, these ‘CTs’. They’re the President. is none other than amuch to drink. I was also very this city will smile and wave at I do not know how new Pogs: every kid has one. clone of Alex Duncan himself. Ifexcited to meet famous anti-Jew me, and sometimes try to kiss me much longer I will stay in your The theory-less you look closely, you can see thewriter, Bill Brysons, who is fourth and touch my khram . I have even country, but hopefully a lot MostlyHarmless team, feeling like evidence.most famous person in seen my own face on front cover longer because I have had very the no-hoper kid that always got Flo Herbert is anKazakhstan after Cliff Richard, of popular British magazine, The nice time. I have already been teased by their mates, decided it anagram of Alex Duncan.Samantha Janus and international Big Issue, which I was forced to offered employment here in needed a CT all of its own. When Flo Herbert may be asuperstar, Natalya the prostitute, buy from gypsy woman in city Durham with your radio station we phoned up MI5 (077956 giveaway regarding Duncan’swho is also my sister. centre because I was scared she Purple FM, which with over 16 72356) for one, however, we were dodgy past, when he used to act MH: So what can you would put terrible curse on me listeners, is more popular than promptly put on hold. When as a referee in brothels. ‘Flotell us about university life in your and my family. Kazakhstan and Uzbek radio put gagging for a quality CT this, to Herbert’ = ‘brothel ref ’.country, and how does it compare In my short time in this together. be honest, is highly frustrating. You thought you couldto life in Durham? city, I have seen many interesting Before we finish, let me We eventually got through and fool us with your word trickery, In Kazakhstan, it is only people and done many interesting just say that if there are any ladies asked to be redirected to the Mr Duncan, but pretty muchrich men who go to university. things, for example disco dancing with nice physiques who are able Durham branch. MI5 claimed nothing gets past the iron mitt ofThis means every man who can in Loveshack, and visiting worst to read this interview, and are that they couldn’t tell us anything MostlyHarmless. Duncan hasafford two cows or more. In my brothel in Europe, Klute, which I interested in making romantic because Louis Theroux was busy failed to respond to thehometown of Kuçzek, which is found to be most enjoyable, but explosions, they can visit me in making a documentary about it. allegations, but he did say: “Yep,capital city of Kazakhstan, only also very sweaty. I was also my hotel, which is Marriott room We responded with a curt: “Do it’s all pretty much true; I plan tofifteen people go to local invited to special Christian Union 55. you know who we are?” Using be in Bryson’s chair within theuniversity. Normally they study to evening, to celebrate death of Thank you, and our provocative cutting-edge year”.become for example, doctors or famous Jew on cross, many years Dzienkuje! edginess, we eventually forced thenuclear scientists, but I chose to ago. To me, the people are all very information out of them. Whatstudy English, Journalism, and friendly and many things make

Bulgarian disintegration Tom Walker “They just won't integrate. Even our campaign to enforce The Bulgarian Prime Minister 'Bulgarian-ness' hasn't helped. Sergei Stanishev has expressed They can't speak the language, concerns over unchecked British they'll only live in ski-resort immigration into the new EU enclaves, and they’re taking all the member state. “This European jobs in our rapidly-expanding Union stuff was looking pretty equine studies management and good until the Brits turned up,” hairdressing sectors." he said in an interview last night.

The greatest Underdog MHPlay:

story of all time MurderSearch Anton LazarusBen Grafton Express. When people come in to boxing gym. eat there, all they want to hear After the former Paper- about, are the stories of how weight Champion of the WorldIn what promises to be the final Palatinate traded blows over registers for his boxing licence,chapter to this great epic, former editorial meetings with the likes new kid on the block, Thechampion, Palatinate (Sylvester of George Alagiah, and how, Sanctuary, gets wind of it. Pay-Stallone), finds himself on the come the final round of the per-view channels will not givescrapheap, washed up and lonely. Guardian Media Awards, he was him the luxurious contracts thatHe has grown old and weary in still left standing. he demands anymore, becausethe years that have passed, living Then one fateful day, the they believe that he only takes ona meagre and unfulfilled life. DSU holds a virtual boxing second-rate writers and that he is,Since the death of his wife, match, pairing up writers from in effect, merely a "paperdurham21, a victim of ‘woman across the eras. In the end, it champion". His people suggest acancer,’ Palatinate has followed a definitively concludes that if fight between him and crowdlonely and troublesome path. His there were to be a match-up favourite, Palatinate to bring anonly son, the effervescent and between the "Young" Palatinate end to the feud once and for all.opinionated Mostly Harmless and current world champion The Although initially sceptical,(Milo Ventimiglia) doesn’t love Sanctuary (Antonio Tarver), Palatinate agrees to take part inhim. He feels like he’s living in the Palatinate would come out on what will be billed as a Battle ofshadow of his older, famous top. Seeing this virtual fight the Ages: a true contest of Witfather, and has adopted a cynical, makes Palatinate remember how vs. Shit. With words of supportanti-conformist attitude towards much he misses being in the ring, from the dulcet-toned old-timer,life. As the two drift further and and realises that there is still ‘stuff Purple Radio, (Burt Young) andfurther apart, we see Palatinate in the basement.’ Cue heart- ultimately from the humble and Can you find all the serial killers?grinding out a living by begging rending speeches, training apologetic son, MH, it is truly tofor sponsorship in local Italian montages and enough clichés to be the showdown of 2007.restaurant Fabio’s or even Pizza fill a medium-sized Las Vegas - Hindley - Huntley

DSU Election mired by - Shipman

- Sutcliff - West (x2) dirty campaigningRichard Hadden complicated indeed. and if I wasn't quite so liberal I'd “The purpose of these have them all rounded up andA DSU election for the position campaigns is clearly to influence shot before grinding their foulof ‘Balcony Commissioner’ has the result of the election. Take remains into the dust and thenbeen cancelled following the 'Vote In This Election' reading the election rules out so

฀activities by unauthorised campaign: clearly, if someone is they understand them properly.”campaign teams designed to persuaded to vote then it unfairly In an exclusive interviewinfluence the result of the ballot. with MostlyHarmless, anIn addition to the representatives anonymous representative of the FAIR DEAL STUDENT HOMESof the two candidates, Becky 'Don't Vote In This Election'Mitigating and Trevor campaign team claimed: “TheCircumstance, e-mails sent by only reason we started our REALISTIC RENTS FOR HOUSES AND APARTMENTS.two undeclared groups, the so- campaign was because of the PRIME CITY CENTRE LOCATIONS.called “Vote In This Election” 'Vote In This Election' campaign. ENJOY HASSLE FREE LIVING WITH J W WOOD.and the so-called “Don't Vote In If everyone started voting inThis Election” campaigns. Said DSU elections then there Simon PandaMr Simon Panda, chairperson of wouldn't be tedious studentthe DSU Meandering, Twisting makes it more likely that political hacks carping onand Turning Committee, which someone will be elected. On the continually about how the DSU isoversees elections: “After a very other hand, the 'Don't Vote In a mismanaged non-transparentlong meeting, in which I was This Election' campaign is clearly cliquey organisation that is ÒEXPERTISE BEYOND EXPECTATIONÓflamboyantly polysyllabic in my trying to stop people voting in completely unrepresentative andvehemence, I decided to stop the the election, which means that no wasteful in every way imaginable, CONTACT J W WOODelection, as there was no one else one might be elected, which isn't and we'd have to find something t: 0191 3830184there who knew all the rules, fair either. It's basically foul, else to fill up half of Palatinate.” e: lettings@jww.co.ukwhich are very long and very corrupt, underhand nastiness, w: www.studentsindurham.co.uk

The MH Ladies’ Page

MostlyHarmless accused of The Diary of sexismJules Shipway thought to have contained material of a distinctly feminine Esther Rudolph Anna Budashevskaya a desperate voyeuristic eye over Strange Friends are scouting forRecent reports reveal that a white ilk, and, according to a leakedfemale, aged between 15 and report, included references to what could be a beautiful, some girls who will block themeighty-two, yesterday attempted kittens. It was seized and Oh lordy, it’s the end of term and blossoming romance. They’ll on Facebook next week. Look,to submit an article to hugely- destroyed by an unknown party everybody’s on the town, on the probably start dating and be really there are some people who arepopular, male-dominated student in the early hours of this vino, on the pull, in the sack, back supportive of each other. Aah. dancing like they’re having sex.n e w s p a p e r , morning. on the horse, off the wagon, up Back to quantitative data. The And suddenly, there they are.M o s t l y H a r m l e s s. When quizzed the duff, possibly even up shit trouble is, I quite like quantitative Jefferson and Carla.This shocking news about the actions of creek, except me. I am all static data. I’m worried this says No, not the sex couple, atleft members of the his editorial staff, and mundane and working on an something about me. Maybe I’m the bar! I do a little slidey-out-of-editorial team reeling. Magnus Taylor, co- essay that I didn’t speed through not a real human being. the-group thing, andSaid one irate copy- Editor-In-Chief of the specifically so I wouldn’t have to I’m out! I’m out! I’m out unfortunately find myself sliding think up a perfectly good reason in Klute! This is good! I’m not between the sex couple, which iseditor, who asked to publication, initially to tell myself about why I’m not looking my best, but when I take something I will never do again,remain anonymous, declared that the only going out tonight. I am a sloth. I my glasses off, I can sort of see and I go get a drink, next to‘This is outrageous. choice left to them was can feel myself congealing. that I’m a blurry Audrey Tautou. Jefferson, still feeling slightlyMostlyHarmless was Magnus Taylor to track her down on Bridget Jones was really When the glasses are on again, I violated.. Carla gives me the kindfounded by men, is misogynist-in-chief ? Facebook: ‘We quite cool. She had sexy media look like Nick Robinson. of smile that says she has no ideaedited by men and bombarded her with friends. She had a job in a Jonathon and his strange friends who the hell I am. Aha! But Iupholds male values. unsavoury sexual suggestions publishing house. And a nice flat were on their way out when I know who you are! I know allFurthermore, we discourage until she revoked said article.’ in Borough. And Colin Firth. And thought, fuck it and threw on a about you! I know that my sensewomen from attempting to Under pressure from feminist she didn’t, did not, did not, have dress. And now I’m here, and half of triumph is resting on the vastexpress their opinions via this activists and his publicist, he later Facebook. Every now and then, the world is here, and I’m really sea of my own private knowledgepublication in future.’ withdrew these comments. successfully slowing my work on supposed to be with Jonathan- that I am very pathetic! The offending article is this essay (“To what extent is secondary quantitative data useful in killing off your youthful embrace of life?”), I have a little check on Facebook. Adam Grabo. No activity. Jefferson Orkney. No activity. Yes, that’s right! Because they’re on the piss! How can you be doing things on your Facebook if you’re on the piss? But I can see that little twerp, who I’m sure is very nice in and-strange-friends, but am really Jefferson is very pleasant, real life, Carla di Fauza, is back, looking out for Jefferson Orkney buys me and Carla a drink, putting kisses all over Jefferson’s and Carla di Fauza. introduces us. I genuinely wish I wall. For a bunch of guys who could stop staring at the graphic Carla di Fauza is from are out in a club to drink, have a dancing lady on the plasma Venice, speaks Italian, English, laugh and hound girls, Jonathan- screen, but I swear that she’s not Mandarin and German, and and-strange-friends couldn’t look wearing anything. Gosh, she resembles a younger and more less tragically uncomfortable. dances so well. And she’s so vivacious Salma Hayek. Her dad is Maybe I’m cramping their style. svelte! Must concentrate on a count or something. She wants Surely they don’t think that Jefferson and Carla. I don’t want to know if Jefferson’s going out people could think that all five of to look like a strange anti-social tonight. He doesn’t reply. I feel them are my boyfriend? They’re sexually-frustrated Sapphist. weird and sort of guilty looking at all scouting like meercats, we’re all Some boys go for it, but I think their wall-to-wall conversation. scouting like meercats. I’m Jefferson’s got some sense of self- This has gone beyond. It’s wrong scouting for Jefferson, Jonathan is respect, and therefore probably to be looking at other people’s scouting for some girl of equal some standards… wall-to-walls. I’m sure she’s a beauty and intellectual really lovely girl and a good achievement to Carla di Fauza Read Part 2 of the diary at human being, and I’m just casting and who he will never get, and www.mostly-harmless.org.uk

The MH Arts Page...

WitTank Review 3.14*Colonel Theatre Anton Lazarus of “Mangoes into a bar” as two examples of the tropical fruit are

Stinks of Shit In a sweaty room filled to the brim thrown at men holding pint glasses by drink-fuelled plebs, were both hilariously simple and entertainment was demanded and effective in breaking up some of five odd-looking individuals, our the longer scenes. The tossing jesters for the evening, were to around of a child's doll with the supply it. punchline: “I love working in aMike Millington angry. In fact, I sort of wish I’d The opening night's morgue” was also delivered rioted too.” setting in Mildert’s soulless JCR perfectly, doing justice to aRioting erupted at the Assembly The incident began when was obviously less than ideal. I delightfully sickening idea.Rooms in Durham last night a commotion occurred near the would have been disappointed to As with all shows of thisduring the opening performance back of the audience during the have paid £4.50 to listen to nature, some of the more extendedof “Father Father, Sexual third "nude santa" scene. When badminton practice from the gags suffered from their length. InPredator”, the new play from jeering began in the stalls, the sports hall. Don't worry though - I one sketch, for example, an editorDurham theatre company house lights came up, and the didn't pay, reviewers get in for free. is seen discussing the misprinting As the lights dimmed and the of his magazine with his printer.Colonel Theatre. The incident director, Zion Whiterabbit, masses ssshhed and hushed, the Unfortunately, for me the joke ofwas sparked after audience appeared on stage to pacify the stench of impending laughter filled accidentally having printed Mrmembers, enraged by situation. However, it seems that the air. Hunt's name as ‘Mr Twat’ seemedcontroversial scenes in the play, her appearance only angered the There is undoubtedly to become lost as the dialoguebegan to pelt the stage with audience further. much talent in the Wit-Tank brain, trundled on.human faeces. “It was like trying to put and 'Poker-Face' showed off some The 'Gap-Year Song' was Hot off the back of such out a fire with a barrel of diesel great ideas and, in some cases, well received by most, although itscritically acclaimed but quietly and a blowtorch," our onlooker perfect execution. Some of the scathing lyrics perhaps came tooridiculed 'arthouse' productions observed. "She was the architect best material came early on, with close to home for one youngas "Woman: Womb-Man", and of this rubbish. Someone had the the confrontation between the gentleman in flip-flops sitting next"Developing Red Riding Hood", idea of doing a poo and chucking ‘Durham Life-Sizers’ and ‘Durham to me, who looked close to tears.Colonel Theatre had drawn it at her. It seemed like a good Full-Scalers’ - the sworn enemy However, I felt that the pause incomparisons from the fringe idea, so everyone started joining groups that recreate Cluedo and the song for a two-minute rantcommunity to the avant-garde in. I’d been just before the play Monopoly in the real world – a real about having 'done' a country,work of such theatrical nutcases started so I couldn't join in, but I highlight. The idea was especially irritating as the phrase is, wasas Jerzy Grotowski. However, supported what they were doing.” effective when placed in the unnecessary and broke up thesuch obscure parallels were Nevertheless, in the wake context of the eclectic interests of momentum the song’s sharpunsurprisingly unable to sway the of the riot, Whiterabbit was Durham’s student societies. observations had created.general public. defiant. “This is exactly the kind Bizarrely setting the sketch in The grand finale, a “This wasn't a play, it was of reaction I’d hoped for,” she Tesco worked well, creating musical number reforming the nowan absolute disgrace”, claimed. “It just proves to me that another good character in the elderly Teenage Mutant Herocommented one onlooker, after Colonel Theatre is ahead of its shop-assistant. Developing the Turtles, didn't work particularlypolice had broken up the time. The one goal of theatre is to joke from “I'd like a revolver, a well, and was a slightlyviolence. “There was 25 minutes provoke. They didn’t hate the play piece of rope, a candle stick, a disappointing end to an otherwiseof interpretive dance, then all the because it was bad; they hated it piece of lead pipe...” to “I own you enjoyable show. Overall the showmen had sex together while the because they couldn’t understand like I own all the stations” was effective and did what youwomen screamed and splashed it. Don't you see? That makes it maintained pace throughout, and would expect it to say on its tin. I'll made for probably the biggest give it Pi, because there's no reasoneach other with paint. I can art.” laugh of the night. why scientists shouldn't giggle.understand why people were “no-one understands my art!” Sketches including shouts

DST President wins lifetime achievement award for ‘getting out of bed’Magnus Taylor often associated with this sub- proletariat. Slightly less eminent structuralist piece of meta- sidekick Baidan Triggs gave us aEminent thespian and general DST theatre.We (and by that I refer momentary interview merelybigwig Quark Mortly has been principally although not definitively stating 'oh brave new world whichgiven a prestigious 'lifetime to myself) connected with Mortley has such people in it' beforeachievement' award for what has in a manner previously flouncing off in search of solacebeen described by theatre critic inconceivable in the arena of post where he could commune with hisM.T. Stage as, 'a beautiful and ironic experimental student enormous transcendental talent.moving interpretation of a existence.' It is thought thatnormally mundane morning It is believed that Mortley Mortley's highly anticipated nextoccurrence.' is pleased with his success but has show will be a post modernist Said Mr Stage 'what really declined to speak to all members of interpretation of the sound of onestruck me was the way Mortley the press for fear of tainting hand clapping. We at MH simplyseemed to transcend post Pinterian himself through bodily or spiritual can't wait.pseudo theatrical mundanities contact with the non-thespian Mortly’s buddies give him his award

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Reader Promotion... classroom zeitgeist. Which will scabby-kneed

Many a pitched ragamuffins back in theMostlyHarmless has playground battle will 'rise to power' category: theunveiled new plans to surely ensue. Will Robert 'democratic' election or thesecure its place in the heart Mugabe's pan-African more old-school coupof youth culture with a d'etat? Will Il Duce get theformat dear to every child. nod over the Fuhrer in theOur new range of 'Dictator sex appeal stakes? MoreTop Trumps', due to be controversially, will Idireleased next month, aims Amin's brooding demeanorto provide both and sartorial elegance beeducational stimulation and enough to trump Saddam'scrude entertainment to this raw masculinity?nation's apathetic youth. Following a The cards, which publicity campaign whichwill rank the world's will see Francos, Aminsghastliest crackpots in and Pol Pots popping up interms of kill count, wars sartorial elegance? kiddies' cereal packetsinitiated, quality of facial throughout the UK,hair, ideological coherence, rhetoric prevail in the face Dictator Top Trumps will,cost per kill and sex-appeal, of Kim-Jong-Il's of course, be available in alllook set to capture the Communist gibberish? good toy stores.