Monday, January 05, 2009

Status Updates

Sometimes taking game notes can be tedious. Trust me, I know. I've been going to Knicks games for over 10 years now. I'm not sure what their record is in that time, but suffice it to say it's not good.

That said, I wouldn't still be doing it if I didn't enjoy it. And part of the enjoyment comes with finding ways to keep it fresh. So when it suddenly hit me last night to record the Knicks/Celtics game as a stream-of-consciousness Facebook page of status updates, friend requests and group joinings, I was overjoyed. (Jake Appleman and Howard Beck get assists.) Jake joined in for the usual official Appleson collabo which you can read over at SLAMonline whenever it gets posted. But since that's been sliced and diced, I figured I'd present my unedited unexpurgated uncensored and unhinged version for you here. I spent the whole damn game furiously typing into my Sidekick, cackling maniacally and showing Jake far too many lines as they came out (sorry, Jake). There are no score updates (the Knicks won), and hardly any notations of time. It can be repetitious, it's long as hell, and there are some clunkers, but hey, nobody's perfect.

CONFESSION: Some of these were written when I got home, and others on the train, so it's not entirely stream-of-consciousness. Also, I've added some explanations in italics.

Oh yeah, I just signed up for Facebook last week. Go me.

PREGAME

TIM THOMAS just hit 11 straight threes (The Knicks must have read my notes from the previous game, because a whole mess of them were warming up. At one point we glanced over, and Tim was languidly shooting threes from the left elbow—and he couldn't miss. Jake and I counted 11 straight, but it may have even been more. He only hit the the rim two or three times in all, and wasn't even jumping. Then he moved to the corner and clanked six or seven straight.)

PENNY MARSHALL is wondering what she can get signed (I've seen Penny Marshall at a lot of games—primarily All-Star and the Finals—since I started doing this, and she is a shameless memorabilia hound. She'd take the shoes off your feet. More on this later.)

RAJON RONDO wants to know the score of the Kentucky/Louisville game

KEVIN GARNETT isn't talking to you (Since the beginning of time—or at least since Michael Jordan—it's been something of a tradition for star players to not speak during the pregame media time. KG takes this to extremes by more or less not talking AT ALL. I've known him for over 10 years now, and when he came in, he just offered a fist bump and sort of patted me on the shoulder. No words.)

SAM CASSELL still has big balls. (Self-explanatory.)

BRIAN SCALABRINE is working on lateral quickness. Or doing the electric slide. (Seriously. I have no idea what he's doing.)

JARED JEFFRIES is unsure why anyone passes him the ball more than a foot from the basket

WILSON CHANDLER don't need no 24-second clock

TIM THOMAS wants to know what the score is

NATE ROBINSON is wondering why he sat on the bench for so long (I considered changing Nate's username to "NATE THE 5-9," until I realized I'd need to come up with clever names for everybody. Not at 1 a.m. I wouldn't. Goodbye to that idea.)

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

PAUL PIERCE is wondering what's happening later tonight

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

KEVIN GARNETT is steaming

EDDIE HOUSE is in the game!!!!!!!!!!!

EDDIE HOUSE is open

EDDIE HOUSE IS OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The thing is, I could totally see Eddie House doing this, despite the fact that he shows up to games in three-piece suits and seems completely sane off the court.)

DOC RIVERS is worried about dinner reservations

DAVID LEE so did not travel

EDDIE HOUSE thinks "shoot first" is a malaprop since nothing ever comes second (I had to play with this one until it sounded right. Is 'malaprop' even correct?)

EDDIE HOUSE is OPEN. ARE YOU ALL BLIND????

AL HARRINGTON totally meant to shoot that

RAY ALLEN has seven points and you didn't even know it, did you?

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

EDDIE HOUSE IS OPEN AGAIN MY GOD WHY DON'T THEY SEE ME?

PAUL PIERCE is thinking about window treatments

RAY ALLEN would rather not have Big Baby fall on him again (Big Baby did indeed fall on him.)

PAUL PIERCE thinks Q flopped (PP brushed by Q, who staggered back like he'd been shot. No call.)

CLYDE FRAZIER is wondering why nothing rhymes with "orange"

COURTNEY GALIANO kind of wishes she stuck with astrophysics (A former Knicks City Dancer who was on one of those dance TV shows, Courtney came out with a partner and did a rhumba or a samba or some kind of -ba.)

EDDIE HOUSE is open. WIDE OPEN.

JEROME JAMES is kind of tired. And hungry. Mostly hungry.sJARED JEFFRIES will not shoot under any circumstances so don't even think about it

EDDIE HOUSE is so open you don't even know it

TONY ALLEN has joined the group “VFDVSDASDC BCDCVERGE CDCVD!!!!!” (This was a late-night addition that I was totally, unreasonably psyched about. Tony Allen is crazy.)

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

BIG BABY will screen you like you've never been screened before

PAUL PIERCE scoffs at your so-called defense

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

LEON POWE wishes he could play with his ring on

EDDIE HOUSE says it's about goddamn time

EDDIE HOUSE is open and ON FIRE. PASS IT TO ME ALREADY

EDDIE HOUSE will do it all himself if he has to

EDDIE HOUSE has joined the group “WORLD B. FREE PASSED TOO MUCH” (Another late-night 'Eureka!' moment.)

DOC RIVERS isn't sure whether you guys remember what 'ubuntu' means

KEVIN GARNETT fuck yeah fucking motherfuckers fucking fuck. FUCK.

KEVIN GARNETT has joined the group “WHATCHALL KNOW ABOUT THE DIRTY SOUTH?”

TAYE DIGGS is dead sexy

EDDIE HOUSE is more open than he's been ALL DAMN DAY AND YOU DON'T EVEN SEE HIM

CHRIS FORD knows he would have won a goddamn title too if he had KG and Paul Pierce and Ray Allen (Chris Ford is a scout, and in attendance.)

ROBERT WERDANN is friends with BILL WENNINGTON (Ditto Robert Werdann. And Greg Dreiling, for that matter.)

AL HARRINGTON has joined the group "EAT IT, NELLIE"

PAUL PIERCE doesn't care if you bring the triple team

EDDIE HOUSE hasn't been this open since 2001

DAVID LEE will take rebounds any way he can

LEON POWE will dunk on you

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting even if he has to fall back 25 feet to do it

TONY ALLEN needs to return some videotapes (Word to Patrick Bateman.)

EDDIE HOUSE shoots even when he doesn't have the ball

AL HARRINGTON has 30!!!

EDDIE HOUSE is open all the damn time

LEON POWE is outworking you right now, fools

TONY ALLEN is playing one on four on five on three right now. In case you were wondering, he's winning. (I love this one still.)

KEVIN GARNETT really wants to swat the shit out of that fucking t-shirt gun (Can't you see him doing this?)

DJ SOUL is happy he's not performing at the Mertelstein bas mitzvah (I think I told Jake this one out loud, not realizing until after the game that DJ Soul was situated RIGHT IN FRONT of the press seating. Whoops.)

EDDIE HOUSE is willing to take your free throws for you

TONY ALLEN is wondering where the damn garden is, and why the gym isn't square OR on Madison (This still isn't worded properly, but I liked the concept.)

BRIAN SCALABRINE thinks it would be polite if someone at least pretended to guard him (Uncontested corner threes all day.)

NATE ROBINSON just shot that

EDDIE HOUSE is opener than the openest thing there ever was

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

TONY ALLEN is wondering whether a quadruple-single is any good

PAUL PIERCE fell asleep a half-hour ago

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

GABE PRUITT is wondering whether the Knicks City Kids get dental

PENNY MARSHALL is wondering whether anyone would mind if she took one of the baskets

TIM THOMAS is distracted by shiny objects

JEROME JAMES wants to take that Big Mac / Whopper test over and over and over again until he gets it right

KEVIN GARNETT wonders where the fucking help is

PAUL PIERCE needs you to come to the damn ball

EDDIE HOUSE is still open

BRIAN SCALABRINE is wondering whether he could play in boat shoes

WILSON CHANDLER has got it goin' on

MIKE D'ANTONI is friends with DONNIE WALSH

JARED JEFFRIES has joined the group “MID-LEVEL UNEXCEPTIONAL”

PAUL PIERCE would like you to have your jock back

BRIAN SCALABRINE has joined the group “THROW IT DOWN, BIG MAN”

WILSON CHANDLER has recorded a career high 28 points!

EDDIE HOUSE wishes he could pass it to himself.

DAVID LEE thinks double-doubles are too easy

CHRIS DUHON thinks your alma mater sucks

RUSS BENGTSON thinks "win" montages from movies are cornier than a bag of Bugles (The Knicks only recently added this lame feature, including the tired Adrian/Rocky "Win!" scene. What's next, a mascot?)

RAY ALLEN is cooler than cool. Ice cold. (Word to Andre 3000.)

WILSON CHANDLER wishes this game was 45,671 minutes longer

RAY ALLEN is missing all of these shots on purpose

EDDIE HOUSE is oooooooopen

DOC RIVERS is emptying the bench

PATRICK O’BRYANT is friends with ACIE EARL

TONY ALLEN can see in infrared (Word to Geoff Tate.)

EDDIE HOUSE is so open he's closed

PATRICK O’BRYANT has joined the group "TRILLION" (You know what a trillion is, right?)

WILSON CHANDLER is on TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDDIE HOUSE is gonna stick around and take a couple million shots to cool down if anyone wants to rebound

POSTGAME

DONNIE WALSH wishes he never heard of Stephon Marbury.

RUSS BENGTSON thinks people getting press passes signed in the tunnel is BS, especially when they don't even know who the players are. (They were probably kids of the Boston owner or something. But getting your alleged press credential signed DIRECTLY OVER the portion that expressly forbids such activity and then saying "oh who's 21?" (it's Wilson Chandler, morons) is really sketchy. If I tried that—not that I would, mind you—I'd get banned forever.)

PENNY MARSHALL would smoke oak leaves rolled in a final box right now. (She's a fiend for nicotine, our Penny.)

ROBERT PARISH isn't walking through that door, and if even he was, he'd be high as a motherfucker

KEVIN GARNETT wants you dead

RUSS BENGTSON doesn't know what the holdup is (The locker rooms are supposed to open 15 minutes after the game. The Celtics take at least a half-hour. Then the Big Three is nowhere to be seen.)

RAJON RONDO mixes Gucci and Vuitton because he can (I forget what he had of each, but he had both for sure. Pretty much everyone in the L has either a Gucci or Vuitton toiletries bag, if not both. Yet guys always need to borrow each other's lotion. So you can buy a $400 bag, but not a $4 bottle of Lubriderm? It's a mystery.)

CLIFFORD RAY only knows one kind of posting up and it's not this kind

KEVIN GARNETT might have spontaneously combusted

KENDRICK PERKINS invites you to dry his ass (The NBA does not use NBA-sized towels. And when Perk comes out of the shower, his towel covers just enough to avoid an indecent exposure charge. And the way the water is beading on his prodigious posterior makes it look like he used caranuba wax instead of Dial. What can I say, my mind works in mysterious ways.)