Opinion: My Drunk Snapchat Stories At MNL Are Not Reflective of Who I Am

Do math once, and people don’t call you a mathematician. Bake some cookies once, and people don’t call you a baker. But post one Snapchat story of your roommate getting topped off in the corner of the beer garden at Monday night Lion and you’re known as “that guy who posts videos of his roommate getting topped off at Red Lion.” Funny how life works.

A wise man who reads books once said, “never judge a book by its cover.” Especially if that cover is a two-minute video of myself singing ”Africa” by Toto. You would never guess it, but six hours before pounding ten tequila sunrises I was reading an article from The Atlantic. I didn’t stop after the first paragraph, either. I went all the way down to about halfway until I got bored and went back to Twitter.

How are my Snapchats any worse than any other Snapchat story, anyway? Have you really ever opened up a story and said to yourself, “I am glad I’m looking at this?” Me either. What do a dinner with your friends from high school, the sunset near your house, and a pair of new shoes you just copped have in common? No one cares. Not even me. And I certainly don’t want to waste a portion of my 6GB of LTE data that runs out in a day to look at a picture of it. I especially don’t like those stories where it’s a screenshot of someone else’s story with another unfunny caption.

Look, technology is just going to get worse from here. In the past 24 hours I’ve said more to my Alexa than any living person, and I live in a frat house of over 70 people. According to The Atlantic article I sort of read, within the next ten years, 90% of all of our interactions with one another will be through social media, and I’m probably going to bang Sophia the robot. Is that depressing? Sure. Write a Black Mirror episode about it, you nerd. I for one, am excited to abandon small talk once and for all.

You’re telling me what I’m doing is worse than that girl running across the bar? No, really, she’s actually running on top of the bar right now. Honestly, a few pictures aren’t so bad in comparison to the atrocities going on around me. Cheers to you, Lion Poop Girl.

Once, I left my phone at home before going to Lion and I missed taking a sweet vid of my bro JUULing in the beer garden. It took me a whole day to catch up with the news cycle. If that’s not a sign that I should be with my device at all times, then I don’t know what is.

How else would everyone know that I was having a good time? Are you suggesting that I put my phone down? That I stop worrying what others think of me and enjoy the present? Are you crazy? My life has to be documented at all times, because I’m fucking important.