On July 10, Jessica Simpson — pop star, successful designer, and
endearingly oblivious reality TV queen — turns 34. It seems like just yesterday
we were all huddled around our screens, hanging off of her every word as Simpson waxed philosophical about Chicken of the Sea on MTV’s Newlyweds (#neverforget) and strutted around The Dukes of Hazzard in the tiniest jean shorts known to man. A lot
has changed for Simpson over the years, though. After slowly but surely
disappearing into minor irrelevancy following the demise of Newlyweds and her highly publicized
breakup with 98 Degrees boy-bander Nick Lachey, she fought her way back into
the spotlight in the classiest way possible. So classy, in fact, that we can
almost forgive her for those shorts. Almost.

These days, she’s traded in her title as Mrs. Lachey for
Mrs. Johnson, and has two super-cute nuggets to chase after in the high heels
she’s built her extremely successful fashion empire around. She’s practically the
master of the subtle comeback (are you taking notes, Lindsay?) and although it
nearly breaks our hearts, she hasn’t been the butt of a joke in ages. Snaps for
Jessica!

Since she’s become a woman who quite literally has it all, let’s
celebrate Simpson's b-day with a look back at the moments she made us laugh at her and with her.

34 is old. It's almost 35, which is almost mid-thirties.

You don't have a super successful reality TV show and fashion line under your belt? Your life must be such a *yawn.*

We only forgive her for being spoiled because she was so adorable about it.