Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
3603

Desert Island Rescue
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day, a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit...
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it's been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years."
The girl unzips a longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!" Keith L.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
3604

Lottery
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling: "Pack your bags honey -- I just won the lottery!!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care... Just get the heck out!!" Lauren H.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
3605

Bartender Help
An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street." Dylan B.

Thursday

Joke
N°
3606

The Kind Lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
Jack M.

Friday

Joke
N°
3607

Woman's Worst Embarrassment
A woman has an appointment with a gynecologist. She is escorted to the examining room by the nurse and told to strip from the waist down and sit in the examining chair. So she strips down and puts a sheet over herself and places her feet in the stirrups.
The doctor comes in and lifts the sheet and gasps, "That's the biggest vagina I ever saw! That's the biggest vagina I ever saw!"
The woman replied fuming, "You didn't have to say it twice!"
The doctor answers back, "I didn't!" Lloyd W.

Saturday

Joke
N°
3608

Signs You're Older Now...
-You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
-You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
-Your back goes out more than you do.
-You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
-You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
-You are proud of your lawn mower.
-Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws.
-You call Olan Mills before they call you.
-Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
-You sing along with the elevator music.
-You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
-You make an appointment to see the dentist.
-You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-Neighbors borrow your tools.
-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-You have dreams about prunes.
-You answer a question with "because I said so!"
-You send money to PBS.
-The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
-You take a metal detector to the beach.
-You wear black socks with sandals.
-You know what the word "equity" means.
-You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
-Your ears are hairier than your head.
-You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
-You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-You got cable for the weather channel.
-You go bowling without drinking.
-You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Jordan B.

Sunday

Joke
N°
3609

The Angry Preacher...
The preacher rose with a red face: "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community can not tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets." Daniel H.