I have a question for everyone on this forum.....it isn't for me really, but for some men that I have talked to about menopause and their wives. It would seem that some women come to the point of menopause and (all of a sudden?) decide to leave their husbands of many years, blaming him for everything that has gone wrong in their lives'/marriages. The ones I have talked to have raised children together, built a life and the whole nine yards and then it seems that peri-menopause begins and the women decide they don't love their spouses anymore. Some begin affairs, some say they need to 'find' themselves....Is this a common thing ? Has anyone heard of it before ? Do we know whether it is a hormonal thing/women rediscovering who they really are/ not having ever really know who they were.....?? I am not in this boat, since I am widowed, but it is a very sad and interesting thing that I would like to learn about. I am certainly NOT casting any blame or judgement on either party, but is it a phenomenon ? I saw the cartoon in the men's section where the man discovers the woman just wants to be 'flee'...as her suitcase is packed and smilingly she is walking out the door. Oh....I am having an insomniac night tonight, hence the deep, philisophical questions !!!!!!!! Luv to all, Cin-d-rella.

Cin-d-rella
Just my view and alot of discovery during my post divorce time.
I believe that alot of peoples unhappiness about marriage has to do with the media. From magazines to romance novels and tv shows, movies and soaps. DH and I have talked about this on and off that these tend to put a false front on real life. Expectations are soo high and real life doesn't fit into this mold. I think that people get tied down too quickly by marrying too young, too quickly or having a baby to really know who they are or what they want. I mean alot of people aren't even in their mid 20's before they get married. Think of the changes in who we are between 18 an 26...alot of maturing happens then. I think it's been too easy to get married and too easy to get out of marriage and there's really no stigma now. I was 28 when I got divorced, fought for 2 yrs. for the marriage but when only 1 is fighting for something it's like shadowboxing. I was deeply hurt and frankly embarrassed to tell my mom and coworkers but I don't see that happening now it's almost like marriage is disposable. I value my current marriage warts and all but we're also so open and honest about things now because we know that marriage and love is a choice you have to work on EVERY minute of EVERY day, real love doesn't just happen like in the stories and what people are fed every day. False expectations will screw you every time. Also I think that women may feel more empowered to walk out on a marriage later in life than they used to. They have skills for the outside world and in alot of ways they're encourage to "do it for themselves". I don't really remember anything that encourages people "to work it out". And tho I adore my DH there are things that irritate me and thing s that I do that irritate him...I read somewhere that true love is finding someone who's faults you can live with, I can live with the pile it method tho I'm a neat freak. No one is perfect but we're told we/they are supposed to be.

Ok off the soapbox

HUgs to you girl!!
Pam

It's never too late for a happy childhood!!
The more you live, the less you die!!
Well behaved women rarely make history.
DB: 1958
peri/hypothyroid/fibroids(myomectomy)
Pam

Cindy....it is more common than anyone would hope for and it happens for all the reasons you have mentioned. The cartoon you mentioned was done by a cartoonist friend who's Japanese wife left him when she hit menopause. (that's why it says "flee" vs "free".

Here's another article and an excerpt from it:
http://www.ccwu.edu/Thesis_Caico/dissertation.htmThe research was based on the authors interest in the topic of menopause. She is also a Menopause Clinician. She found that many of these women along with their menopausal symptoms of hot flashes, vaginal dryness, mood changes and a decreased libido also complained of dissatisfaction with their marriages and several divorced their husbands after many years of marriage. This topic was researched extensively and it was found there were no studies done which explored the possibility that menopausal symptoms may affect the marital relationship or long term relationship. There is an abundance of research studies done on menopausal symptoms, quality of life issues during menopause and the psychosexual effects of menopause.

The investigator also wanted to determine if the divorce rate was increased during the ages of 45-60. The author=s research hypothesis based on anecdotal information obtained from the perimenopausal and menopausal women in her practice was that symptoms would cause marital problems and the divorce rate would be higher during this period of life. The significance of such a study could have profound implications in possibly viewing menopause as a catalyst for marital discord.

thanks for all the responses. It is another one of those sad, but real things happening out there. Pam, it is very true that EVERYTHING in this day and age is disposable...well thought to be anyway......even human life. I know I should not have said that last one, but it is just a fact. Love and harmony with others are choices we make, minute by minute, day by day, however, there are circumstances where staying otgether is not possible or for the best. I am having a crisis in my own home and daughter's home (Completely unrelated to this topic, so maybe I will post later tonight in another section.) Thanks Dee for all the links and input.......God Bless y'all. Cin-d.

This is a really interesting topic and I'm fascinated by the replies. I have some friends who are going through this kind of crisis now, and I see a common theme in their misery. Generally, the age of menopause coincides with children becoming independent and leaving and then, after years of being "mum", there's no role for the woman any more, she feels useless or unwanted or just lost - yep, I guess that's the word, "lost". Just doesn't know what she's supposed to do any more and has lost her way. Probably thinks "omigod, I'm hitting 50, where did all my youth go?" and thinks about all the hopes and aspirations she had as a teenager when she was going to set the world afire, hitch-hike to Peru, ride on a donkey over the Pyrenees and live life to the full. Where did all those years go?
There may be some genuine marital discord going on but what I see with my friends is some of what I have written about - a sadness that their lives are passing so quickly and they haven't done what they wanted to do. However, they often don't know what they want to do, but there's a kind of desperation.
I have two close friends who call me frequently on the phone and are thinking of leaving their marriages - I alway thought they were happy marriages. Perhaps they feel that, by leaving what they consider to be "safe", they will rediscover some of the adventure and exhiliration which they left behind so many years ago.
Anyway, that's my views and I'm interested to follow this conversation more.

My friends and I have discussed this before. I can always remember thinking when I was younger, upon hearing of an older couple who had divorced, I would think, "why after all of these years ??" My friends and I believe it is the "straw that broke the camels back" theory. One day he just does something that drives you nuts and you can't take it anymore.

I actually know of a couple who are getting a divorce and they are in their late 80's. They have a beach house and a house inland about 150 miles. They no longer drive and whenever one of them needs to see a Doctor, one of their children has to drive to the beach and pick them up. The wife wanted to move back to their city home so she could be closer to her Doctors, but the husband refused to leave the beach. They argued about this and he told her to pack up and move back by herself and she said FINE, that is exactly what she did.

minniepauz wrote:Why in the world don't they just live in seperate homes? Why go through all the torture and expense of a divorce at this point? whew...that one blew me away.

"One day he just does something that drives you nuts and you can't take it anymore."

I think that's a very good point and I would add this: and she's also at a time in her life where she can take care of herself and doesn't have to "take it anymore".

Oh we were all scratching our heads over that one.

That is a good point, I have been lucky enough in my life to have always been able to take care of myself. Not that I wouldn't be a wreck without my H, atleast emotionaly for quite awhile. But I am sure some gals who perhaps stayed in a less than perfect marriage for the kids or whatever reason are finding they can do quite well taking care of just themselves. Many of my friends have said that if something ever happens to their husbands that they would have no desire to replace him.
I love having a man around the house, I'd be out husband shopping as soon as I was emotionally ready, you know, in a week or two.

And I have been noticing more and more women my/our age starting to go through some sort of mid-life crisis too, some really drastic changes in the way they are dressing and acting. There is nothing more tragic that a woman in her late 40's who starts borrowing her teenage daughters clothes. I try not to dress too young for my age, 55, but then on the other hand I don't want to run around like a frump either !!! My best pal and myself still pretty much dress like old hippies/bohemians, we found a look that worked for us and have stuck with it. lol

That's the look I've always wanted but just can't seem to put it together!!! You'll have to help me out....where do you find most of your stuff? I'm always drawn to Coldwater Creek stuff, although that's more southwestern/cowgirl style than bohemian!

minniepauz wrote:That's the look I've always wanted but just can't seem to put it together!!! You'll have to help me out....where do you find most of your stuff? I'm always drawn to Coldwater Creek stuff, although that's more southwestern/cowgirl style than bohemian!

Oh I shop all over, a great place for skirts is Macy's and Chico's and I have got a few at Coldwater Creek as well. And I never throw out any clothes, I am not a big follower of fashion trends.

Peasant blouses are good. And vests are great with any blouse, especially since I have a bit of a muffin-top thing going on recently. And long shirts with belts over them, and then I do buy vintage items sometimes. Vintage jewelry adds a nice touch too, as does a fun, unique handbag. Boots in the fall and winter and groovy sandals in the spring and summer.

I do find that little out of the way off-beat boutiques and dress/clothes sometimes offer the best selections of clothes that are not the usualy Mall selections, a great brand to look for is Scared Threads, they have lots of bohemian looking clothes.

Here you go, check out the funky skirt sets...they are awesome!!! Funky hippie and Gyspy Dancer. The clothes are gorgeous and quite reasonable, and plus sizes too.

minniepauz wrote:ok, cool....those are great! I've even found a store that sells faery clothing... http://www.gypsymoon.com wish I was a lot thinner for some of those things! What fun!

Thanks, I will let you know when I get my first piece that I feel is going to start my new wardrobe!

On too fun, and oh yes I have Gypsy Moon in my favorites. We can dress fun like that and not look foolish at our ages, and it is great fun, I think of everyday of my life as a party.
It makes me feel free and alive. Some of my best moments in life have been being on the beach in a gorgeous diaphaneous frock and walking along the shore in the wind...I feel like I could take off like a kite!!!

You're really bringing it out in me, Girlfriend!! I've been thinking about the next Minnie Pauz MeltDown event and I'm imagining a really cool, kind of rustic spa with a variety of cabin type places where we could gather for a weekend and there would be something for everyone....luxury or bonfires and we could all run around the fire in our faery clothes and catch fireflies and pull their tails off to make fantastic rings. We've got poets onboard and for those who just want to be alone (because maybe they just left their husbands...oops), they can sit back on the edge and contemplate their new life.

Guess I'm getting carried away.

Here's one called "the pause that refreshes" That sounds like a good one for us: http://www.sandycove.org/docs/pausethatrefreshes.phpSecluded yet easy to reach, Sandy Cove Christian Conference Center rises majestically beside the headwaters of the Chesapeake Bay. Situated on 220 acres of Maryland woodland, this elegant facility features 150 rooms, three fireplaces, a full-service dining room, and cozy sitting areas overlooking the bay.

hmmmm... it may not be everyone's cup of tea though
Maybe I should just stick with my idea of going to the Hershey Spa in PA.....everything there is covered in chocolate, including YOU if you want the chocolate bath!

Looks like a nice place for a get away, perhaps not my cup of tea though, but running around in faery clothes sounds like a gas and I do spend a lot of time at bonfires.

One thing I have noticed as we age, it becomes easier to be oneself and if you want to dance to a different drummer, it seems to be a whole lot easier too. I am now finally, in my 50's, really becoming the woman/girl I always longed to be, but was never brave enough to totally let out. Like I was more of a "closet kook". How many times have you seen something you'd like to wear or something you might like to do and then think, "Oh I'll look foolish in that", or "that is way too nice to wear everyday", or "it's not my style, but I love it", well if you adore it, then perhaps it is your style.

Here are some other sites with fantastic vintage inspired clothing. Crikey I swear I am not a spammer. LMAO

The Red DressVictorian Trading Co The Romantic Clothing and the Hats are spectacular.
Gosh I am getting so carried away, and off topic.lol Gee maybe we need a Fashion Thread.