February 7, 2018 (log)

"Having tried many things that did not work, our heroine devised a simple strategy: she would return to the things that do".

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Today I woke up at 2:59 AM. Since that was earlier than I wanted to be awake I tried just lying there for a while. Then I remembered that I had told myself yesterday that I would wake up at 4:00 and do the things I need and want to accomplish. Rather that move my book yet another time, I picked it up and started reading it. Rather than walk past my trampoline like I do many times during the day, I stood on it. Rather than ignore my desire for water, I poured myself some. Last night my daughter left her dishes out on the coffee table. This morning I went into the kitchen and found that rice had dried onto the container that I had put it in when I last made it. Now the rice is gone, but the container is still dirty. This is the kind of thing that has gone on for far too long around here. Today I am going to have a good day. I've already made this promise to myself, not because I expect that this day will unfold precisely as I have planned, but because today I am armed with the knowledge that my attitude is one of the things I can control in life, and I've suffered greatly due to a poor one in the past.

I would highly recommend that anyone reading this check out Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. The cover claims that this is a definitive work, and I agree. It's extremely well written and I'm already reaping the benefits that accompanied this reading. One of the things it helped me understand was why I got fired. In the military there is a command and control philosophy. People at the top give orders to people who are serving beneath them. One of the people that I follow on Twitter is Tom Peters. I follow him because he started following me and at the time I was impressed that I was one of the people he chose to follow. Years ago I was one of 257 people that a very talented person from Australia followed. Half a million people were following him, but I never interacted with him and didn't understand why he was following me, so I unfollowed him. I also follow Phelim Kine because the work he's doing is important to me. I am a cool person online. I'm a cool person in real life too, but very often I fail to recognize this. I think that one of the reasons I was fired is because the people at the top of the company have low self etseem, and I was viewed as a threat to them.

The Six Pillars book does an outstanding job of defning self esteem, categorizing it as a need, and explaining why it has such an impact on our lives and how we live them. If I am a person of high self esteem I am able to rise and meet challenges rather than lay down and passively accept them as my due. There are key areas of my life where my self esteem is low. One of these seems to be reflected in my role as a parent. While I've come a long way from who I am as a mother since the day my first daughter was born, I'm still learning new skills and strategies. Because I have almost no cooperation from others at home and woke, I've devised coping mechanisms, organization being one of them. Even the most advanced (by which I mean the simplest) system requires an individual to do some degree of work. This work isn't being done so it isn't that my systems or processes are bad, it's that I've failed to lead my children into better habits by neglecting some of the things I could have and wanted to be doing. Just knowing this is helpful because now I can attack the root of the problem rather than try to come up with an even more brilliant way to store glass mason jars.

Without minimizing the reality that life with food allergies requires a disciplined and vigilant approach to meals, snacks, and beverages, I've used that as an excuse to avoid dating. I do want to go out with someone who can offer me all of the things that a healthy relationship entails. Writing fiction has really helped me better understand why some relationships work, and others fail. The author states that levels of self esteem will seek out congruency. I believe this to be true because I've seen it happen online. In the beginning I questioned why people like Peter Gammons and Darren Willman were following me on Twitter. Now I accept that elite minds in the baseball community follow me because I'm worth following. It isn't just that I got in at the ground level although that may be partially true. The cream always rises to the top. It doesn't take me very long to spot people who have high levels of self esteem online. Over the years my friends have grown and I have too, rather than sink, we've started swimming in the rising tide. Just knowing that whatever else happens today, I've read a chapter in my book, drank some water, written this, and bounced on my trampoline is arming me with mental power and clarity that will help me today.

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Heading to bed early...

Xoxo,

J

P.S. Therapy today was intense. I feel like I can't type another word tonight.