All over again: The joys and trials of raising grandchildren

Karen Best Wright's experience raising her two grandchildren led to a book and a website offering support to others in the same position.

Karen Best Wright’s experience raising her two grandchildren led to a book and a website offering support to others in the same position.

Karen Best Wright’s experience raising her two grandchildren led to a book and a website offering support to others in the same position.

JoAnn and Terry Cunningham were looking ahead to all they would do in retirement when the unexpected happened. Their daughter, in her early 30s, had problems that made it impossible for her to raise her infant daughter and son. In stepped JoAnn and Terry to raise the children as if they were their own.

“Our lives just stopped,” JoAnn, of Niles, Michigan, says. “We’re dedicated 100 percent to the raising of these children. You have to find the time to get a babysitter if you go out. We’ve stopped our lives. All the things we would have done, could have done or should have done, we no longer do.”

The Cunninghams are hardly alone. The nation is witnessing what some call an “epidemic” of grandparents being called upon to raise their grandchildren.

And while it can be trying to raise grandchildren, there are great rewards as well.

“I never wake up and feel, ‘Oh, I have to do this one more day,’ ” Cunningham says. “I’m grateful we do have the energy. And I’m happy we can be there and take care of them.”

Sandra Timmerman, visiting professor of gerontology and retirement living at The American College in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania, sums up some of the joys and benefits.

“The notion of legacy is very important as you get older, and there are values that grandparents can transmit to their grandchildren too,” she says.

“Teaching values about saving money, providing for the family and making a difference in someone else’s life becomes very important for grandparents. Your years of life and the wisdom you’ve accumulated allows you to pass on your values and what’s important in life. It’s a non-financial legacy that grandparents can provide that perhaps a parent cannot.”

The numbersAARP found 2.6 million U.S. children live in homes where grandparents are the householders, and those grandparents are responsible for the children, says AARP‘s Phoenix-based family and caregiving expert Amy Goyer.

About 2.5 million U.S. grandparents are the householders and responsible for the grandkids living with them. Approximately 67 percent are under age 60.

This has been a significant issue for a while, Goyer says. “The numbers increase slowly, but what we know is that the causes are not going away. When grandparents or other relatives step in and raise kids, we know there’s some kind of crisis or a chronic problem in the family. It can be the result of addiction or mental health issues, child abuse, a financial crisis or even military deployment.”

Sarah Stein, manager of community programs for AgeOptions, the Oak Park-based Suburban Cook County Area Agency on Aging, agrees it is a growing issue.

“In general, it’s trending upwards,” she says. “We haven’t seen a huge increase, but overall it’s increasing. With each passing year, I think the awareness is growing. We’re giving more assistance to grandparents as well as to other non-parent relatives raising children.”

Biggest challengesA number of hurdles face the grandparent thrust again into parenting roles. So says Karen Best Wright, Richmond, Virginia-based author of “I Love You from the Edges: Lessons from Raising Grandchildren.” Wright raised her two grandchildren for seven years, then saw them returned to her daughter for 6½ years before gaining the children again. She is also founder of the support group website raisingyourgrandchildren.com.

Among those hurdles are legal challenges. “That can be a nightmare,” Wright says. “To get children in school or in some kind of medical program, you have to have legal custody. Some states make it easier than others.

“In my support group, one of the biggest problems is legal custody, because they don’t have money for the attorney.”

The children’s emotional issues are another hurdle. “It’s never a happy situation,” Wright says. “The parent may be unhappy, the child may grow up conflicted about the parent and why he or she wasn’t raised by the parent.”

The emotional needs of the child confronted Nancy Brown, 65, of Santa Cruz, California, when she and her husband Glen began raising their two grandchildren, ages 6 and 9. “The children have been through some trauma and have different needs than my own children did,” she says.

Financial issues are another headwind grandparents face. “The biggest challenge is the money being spent not only on the grandchildren but on the biological children who need help,” says Timmerman.

“Much of the money is spent on clothing and keeping the household going, or paying for things that kids need in school, like computers and books. It might come back (to hurt) the grandparents later. They have taken big chunks out of their retirement savings. And it’s hard to get a job. Even if you want a job there is the reality of age discrimination in the workplace.”

For Kelly Erickson of Mishicot, Wisconsin, the most vexing issue in raising her grandchildren is the realization that lifestyle options are no longer available to her. “My peers moving on to the next phase of their lives while I’m still raising children is the most difficult,” she says. “They are vacationing and doing what they want, while I’m still facing the responsibility of caring for children.”

Put yourself firstAccording to Wright, every grandparent must make one issue a priority: “Their own wellness must be at the top,” she says. “They tend to neglect themselves. Some have poor lifestyle habits.”

Another priority should be to seek resources. Grandfactsheets.org is an AARP repository of information and resources for grandparents and other relatives raising children. Use the drop-down menu headed “Grandfacts national & state FACT SHEETS” at the center right of the main page to access a list of local programs that provide support, resources and assistance to grandfamilies.

Above all, don’t overlook the many rewards that come from raising children, even if you’re doing so later in life.

“It’s such a gift, spending time with young children,” says Brown. “For us to have that spontaneity is a delight. I have time. We can follow their interests, go to museums and get them into some art classes.”

Goyer best sums up the role played by grandparents raising grandkids. “I always think of them as the silent heroes of our generation,” she says.