It’s time you and I had a man-to-man talk, Jamal Lewis. You’ve been on my fantasy team for quite some time now, Jamal. We’ve had our ups and downs since I took you in 2005, even after you went to jail for four weeks the previous season on what was technically setting up a drug deal. I knew you were a hard, downhill runner, which is odd because I always thought the football field was a relatively level structure. But I digress.

Jamal, don’t you fuck me in the ass like you did in 2005. I had the number one pick going into that draft. Did I run off with Corey Dillon or Curtis Martin, motherfucker? Hell, no. I stood by your broken-down ass because I FUCKING BELIEVED IN YOU. And how was I rewarded for my undying faith? Three shitty little touchdowns. And way to give me that one 100-yard game on the last week of our season. That really solidified my 1-11 finish. Cocksucker.

And here we are again. Did you think I was going to throw myself onto Michael Turner like some floozy? Shit, no. EVERYONE on the Browns’ offense is ranked at or near the top five in their respective positions–except for you. You turn 29 this season. You run behind the best line in the league. I KNOW you have another 1,200-yard season in you, you big fucking loser. You can do it, buddy!

Join The Discussion

MMP, is there going to be KSK’s survival football groups over at yahoo this year?

08.26.08 at 9:07 am

paxcincinnatus

counting on any assemblage of browns players to facilitate anything other than heartache is a pretty reisky proposition

08.26.08 at 9:16 am

The Gooch

If only I had given this talk to Larry Johnson last year.

08.26.08 at 9:24 am

ADBirdie71

That’s a new strategy that I like, I might have to give it a go this year to get over the hump.

08.26.08 at 9:24 am

Devine

I KNOW you have another 1,200-yard season in you, you big fucking loser.

Ike still love you, Jamal Lewis.

08.26.08 at 9:24 am

TF

That goes for you too, Kevin Jones.

08.26.08 at 9:30 am

Juice Springsteen

@paxcincinnatus:

Shut up, you’re not making me feel any better for drafting Horse Balls a round too early in a gin-and-tonic fueled moment of indiscretion.

08.26.08 at 9:43 am

Rob I.

Nobody cares about your fantasy rape team.

08.26.08 at 9:55 am

jackin'4beats

Just replace MMP with Peter King and Jamal Lewis with Brett Favre and this all makes sense.

Oh and the “firing up my fantasy players” tag needs to get much use on this site since I’m sure most of us will be pissed after week 1.

08.26.08 at 10:02 am

Cumpidgeon

Can I get one of these for Chad Johnson? I turned down a deal last year in my keeper league for Marvin Harrison to keep OCHO FUCKFACE and then he scares me all pre-season with his “I aint playin for the BUNGLES” now its his torn labia or whatever… FUCK YOU YOU MOHAWKED FOOTBALL RESICITATING CUMCRAVER!! GO STUFF YOUR FACE WITH SOME COCK

08.26.08 at 10:03 am

Daydream Billiever

speaking of getting hopes up only to have them crushed under the weight of overachieving the season prior, go Bills! i drafted their defense/special teams!

best line in the league? fuck that shit. the metrodome is home to the best line ever. daydream you should have sent that in for the free copy of MWB.

08.26.08 at 10:41 am

porky1

I am one of the Michael Turner Floozies. My backfield is currently Turner and Thomas Jones. I’m basically fucked.

08.26.08 at 10:41 am

StuScottBooyahs

I really do believe that Jamal Lewis has one more solid season of fucking fantasy owners in the ass.

08.26.08 at 10:54 am

Sherman

Dear Reggie Bush,
Don’t get hurt trying to fuck that stupid whore you are with in the ass. You’ve been hurt every year since getting into the NFL and I now need you. I wasted spent a 4th round pick on you. McGayHe looks like he’s going to be a big bitch, and the memory of Mike Doss is coming back. PoorTits has been solid, but Reggie for this to be THE year I need you to stay healthy. At least until week 10, in week 11 you can get hurt because then Portis and Willis will be fine and I’ll be able to walk off into the sunset with them. Thanks!

-Sherman

/fuck Reggie Bush, why did I draft this weak mother.

08.26.08 at 10:54 am

Steelerspride

And people thought I was crazy for drafting Ricky Williams. Fools! muwhahaha.

08.26.08 at 11:00 am

MerK

this was funny until i realised I took him in the 3rd round as well. It’s okay, I’m sure Justin Fucking Fargas will pick up the slack right? Jesus why do i drink before drafts?

08.26.08 at 11:16 am

Juice Springsteen

Dear Ryan Grant,

I sat tight with that flaky whore Steven Jackson while you got to make wack-ass commercials for ESPN Fantasy for an 8-week fling. I’m not gonna lie; I probably wouldn’t have taken you if I wasn’t second-to-last in the draft order. But I’m a commitment guy, and I need you fucking save me this year, because Frank Gore sure as shit won’t. Seriously, if I get last in the league I have to dress up like Rich Kotite at my New Year’s Eve party.

You can do it,
-Juice

08.26.08 at 11:20 am

dougery

so demure and tactful of you to gently censor the title of this article.

and I was killed by Clinton Portis in 2006. and Priest holmes the one year LJ t-boned his stats (when the two played every other drive)

08.26.08 at 11:20 am

ognihs

just wait 4 weeks and hope someone hits the “accept trade” button.

08.26.08 at 11:21 am

Required Name Here

Dear Matt Forte,

Please be really good this year in order to a) give me some hope as a Chicago fan and b) justify my fifth round grab of you in a moment of blatant homerism. Thanks.

08.26.08 at 11:47 am

Lil Lebowski Urban Achievers

Dear Fantasy Football League Manager Who Doesn’t Know Shit,

You used the second pick in the draft to take Purple Jesus. Understandable. You then used your 4th round pick on Witten and 7th round pick on Winslow before taking a second fucking wide receiver. I offered you Chester Taylor for Winslow and you want fucking Andre Johnson? Go die. Since when is backing up your tight end more fucking important than backing up Peterson? I will enjoy starting Taylor Weeks 8 and on.

\I wish no harm on Peterson, it’s just history that says he ain’t gonna make it.

08.26.08 at 12:25 pm

fletch lives

Dear Earnest Graham,

I am sorry for calling you the least intriguing Running Back in the draft – I meant it in the first round when I said it, but when you fell to the 4th round and I saw you shivering out there in the cold, cruel fantasy football world with matt forte, deangelo williams, and kenny watson – i just couldn’t bare it. just because i NEEDED to pick a 2nd RB to compliment Stephen Jackson, doesn’t mean i didn’t WANT to pick (because you were the only viable #1 back available). i hope we can be friends, and that you can stay healthy all year…for your sake (but mostly mine). and please score 10 TD’s too.

Best Regards,
Your Owner

08.26.08 at 12:38 pm

jackin'4beats

@Lil Lebowski Urban Achievers: watch your blasphemous mouth. Purple Jesus has self-healing powers and will not need Chester Taylor’s assistance this year. In fact, Chester can grab a whole bunch of Preparation H and sit quietly on the bench with his pom-poms. Maybe he’ll get some vulture stats since I’m sure the Vikings will be blowing people out in the 4th quarter playing keep away with their running game.

/Needs PJ to have a stellar year
//this could be the season I don’t finish in the bottom 3rd of the league
///don’t fuck me PETERSON

08.26.08 at 12:56 pm

porky1

Ahh, fantasy talk. No one wants to hear it, yet no one turns away… I had pick #6 in a 12-team league, also known as the “bullshit” pick. Do you use your first rounder on a bottom-10 RB or do you take the top QB or WR? Problem is, the two clear cut “top” QBs are possibly gimpy right now and there’s no way I’m taking Drew Brees at #6.

So I went with Randy Moss and that just put a bitter taste in my mouth.

08.26.08 at 2:20 pm

OzoneRanger

What is this “fantasy football” that you speak of?

08.26.08 at 4:19 pm

Animal Mother

Jamal Lewis is one of those special stars, he’ll fuck you when he’s on your team and when you give up on him, he’ll fuck you from someone else’s team. Jamal’s been to prison, he knows how to fuck guys and make it hurt.

\thinking of taking Jamal back in the 3rd round, if he’ll have me

08.26.08 at 5:43 pm

Fundamentally UnSound

MMP,

Purple Jesus runs behind the best O-Line in the NFL. Period.

08.27.08 at 1:20 am

redright88

@ Sherman

“McGayHe looks like he’s going to be a big bitch, and the memory of Mike Doss is coming back.”

If you are referring to the Buckeye that turned McGahee’s knee into confetti, that would be Will Allen.