Whilst one human female may think a man serenading Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” is date worthy, others will consider a Big Mac from a dustbin enough.

Thusly, it’s important to get your romancing right. And we’re experts on that (obviously). So, LET’S DO THIS THING!

Romancing the Gesture

Alright? I'm Dave. I've been dating my woman for like three months now and my initial charm offensive is wearing a bit thin.
There are only so many times I can say, "Babe you're well fit, you are." You know? I must have said it like 1,000 times by now and her eyes glaze over whenever I says it.
I need to make a bigger deal of her, I reckon. A big old "romantic gesture", like some roses, a box of chocolates, or a weekend in Bognor Regis.
What do you think? Or should I just ditch the bitch and go out with someone vain enough to lap up my flattery? Cheers, Dave

Hi, Dave! Romance doesn’t have to be difficult, you just have to watch enough romantic films to get a decent understanding of its nuances.

Remember, the world around you is merely a playground for you to manipulate. Romance is only ever a step away. And here are a few tips to help you along.

A Beginner’s Guide to Romance

Take the following example as you see fit. The important thing is to improvise as and when necessary—romantic gestures demand a fertile imagination (and lots of money).

Rip a door off its hinges: Remember that chivalrous act of holding a door for a lady? Go a step further and actively tear/smash the door off its hinges. You can use your bare knukles for this, or implements such as a crowbar and chainsaw. Do note, you’ll have to act quickly before local law enforcement arrives to arrest you.

Unique compliments: Instead of the tried and tested likes of “You is well fit, babe!” try out increasingly granular efforts. For example, comment on the amount of earwax developing in the ear canal. Or suggest her knuckle hair is exceeding feminine ideals. Perhaps even insist you take a look into her mouth to detail the exquisite nature of the dangly bit at the back of her mouth etc.

Buy her presents: Don’t wait for her birthday to get her gifts, shower her with all manner of things constantly. Day in, day out for months on end, right up until you run out of traditionally romantic things and have to start buying her things like buckets of paint, bags of cement, stuff you find in bins, or a ham sandwich.

Surprise her: Terrify the bejeezus out of your human female at regular intervals. We can heartily suggest waiting until 3am and then screaming with unbridled terror. Such exciting interludes will remind her you’re a man of action!

Record weird noises and send them to her: Singing love songs is so cliché! Instead, record stuff such as your trips to the lavatory, sneezing fits, late night boozing vomiting sessions, or more high-pitched sreaming. Send these regularly to her via your smartphone to remind her she’s on your mind.

Take her to a restaurant and leave her to foot the bill: Work up a huge tally and then leg it towards the end of the meal. She’ll see the funny side later and you can regale this story at your wedding.

Perform a provocative dance for her: Turn up at her workplace in a pair of pink speedos and gyrate around confusingly. Breakdance etc. Whatever, just woo her with your conviction—women love a guy who can dance. Even if you can’t, just go for it.

Watch chick flicks with her: All women love these. Men tend not to. So do Dutch courage—get wasted before the film and then you’ll be able to put up with it. It doesn’t matter if you hurl on her lap midway through, it’s the thought that counts.