‘That’ll keep ‘em off our backs,’ say attack leaders

RAQQA, Syria — Top ISIS leaders who issue orders from a disused schoolhouse in the formerly decent city of Raqqa are expressing relief following successful attacks in Brussels on Tuesday, saying, “That’ll keep ‘em off our backs for awhile.”

“I can see it now, all those Westerners fleeing into the safety of their homes, escaping their fears by resorting to their usual decadence, their Britney Spears cassette tapes, their PCP pipes and their wanton sexual orgies,” said Abdul Fatti Malarki, the group’s minister of education.

As of Tuesday morning, a spokesperson for the cabal reported the distant buzzing of a small aircraft, which Dubu-Bubi assured everyone was European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker on his way to sign unconditional terms of surrender.