Did you miss me?

On the path of self reflection, I had forgotten whose face I was staring into. Every judgement, compliment, rejection, praise sent me off into a Tasmanian spin. Am I on the path of greatness?

It’s been a while since i read my thoughts aloud. I was afraid of what they were trying to say. The deeper I dove into myself the farther I really wanted to be. All I had to do was commit and lock away the fears. Just stand in the sun, live in it and embrace it.

When you are a creative, the cure to that insatiable thirst is acceptance. “an applause from the crowd” Do they find me funny? Am I pretty enough? Is my fupa hidden behind baggy shirts? Will they notice the liner above my lip accentuating the size? DSL is still a thing, right? We never grow out of those insecurities, we just become better at smiling over them, and then we reach a point where we don’t give a fuck.

I crave being seen, understood, respected by a following of like minded individuals living their truths. But it was all right in front of me. Just a long look in the mirror. A moment of relapse. Like confidence parting the red sea of insecurities. I saw a lady, she was free. She was a woman of experience. Filled with stories to tell, all ending with a ridiculous ever after. Some terribly bad while others joyful. All bringing me to this very moment. A long second of clarity.

My life isn’t perfect. It isn’t something to want to emulate. Where I find myself today is not anyone’s fault but my own. I quit too fast, I shy into a corner, hell I lack the very skill you need to be successful. I know all these things and still refuse to change. A true blue masochist. But you know what I am fucking happy. I tried everything once, met a shit ton of weird, funny and sometimes cruel people. I never know what the next year bestows upon me and it isn’t scary, its amazingly exciting.

It’s easy to scroll, peaking into the lives of others. We and They are all struggling, grown up kids trying to make sense of the crazy world we live in. Don’t be fooled by the rocks that they got, they’re still people from a block. JLO said it best didn’t she? No one is living a better than the one you are living right now. Its yours. You own it! And maybe it’s shitty or maybe its fucking great either way, its up to you. You can choose to wallow in your failures or praise how far you have come.