Unpublished poetry from 2014-2017. Living in Mexico with a chronic illness and numerous side effects from 32 years of treating a once terminal illness. While in extraordinary pain and discomfort, I often thought of suicide, but my little rescue dogs keep me alive. Also the hope that one day I might feel better.

​​Mexico

​can hear a subtitled film fromthe room next doorthe music of some wayward mariachisadd to the sound trackfirecrakers applaud the virginchildren speak in outdoor voicesthe churchbells ring

I stare at the airshaftas the day turns to night

I don’t think of suicide anymoreor worry about the dog dying

I only speak bad Spanishlet my brokennessbe the beautiful messthat is me

The hound dog next door,who has never been on a walk,is locked in the garagehe harmonizes his wails with minehis prison made of bricks and mortermine memories and loss

When I had a husbandhe would walk in the gardenor look the other waywhen I went mentalphysically he could dealbut when I started writing secret messageson the bottom of the mattresshe cried.

I asked God or whoeverto extinguish my soulbut everything is still in orderbreath in out blood pumping,

These demons are hard wiredand taking me for a ride

It is usually late at night when they comeI keep the knives dullso when I cut it is never foreverjust a reminder

Lucy is grateful

​Mexican Neighbor​The neighbors rang the bellthey told me I was disturbing their dogwith my wailingI fell to my kneeshit my head on the walltill blood blended with tearsthey quietly closed the door

Island Life St Thomas USVI 2010-2015

​Christmas Eve 2010

​74 degreetrade windsat about 10 miles per hourI was not resentful this morningwhen someonewished me a merry Christmas

The vice presidentis coming to Water Islandthey paved the roadstowed all the abandoned carsto the a barge for removalthey even redid the pallapas on the beacheverything has a veneerof shinynewgoodnesswe need to protect himfrom anything unpleasant

I like the smooth roadsI like Christmaslights in palm treesI like warm waterI sit on my porchno snowno sorrow

when somethingneeds to be fixedI use duck tapeeverything seems to beworking out

​Trade Wind

​It was notabout anythingin particularjust all of it.

The fact that I might livemade everything differentsaddergreyeris this it “er”

I had given into TVmeatsugarand anger

You (husband)so flawedso idealme: so brilliantat fixing youtill I stepped awaysaw the damageI had done

I packed three suitcasesa carryontook a planethen a boatto a remote islandbecause I needed to gothousands of milesto a place wherewater is preciousand everything you haveis carried in on your backwhere you watchmetal rustfrom the salt in the airand the oceanthat surrounds everything

I always thoughtif I got sick enoughI would float awayon the seawarm womberasing who I wasbut I’m afraidof open watereven though I swim everyday

I was threewhen I was caughtby rope and pulled downto ocean floormy mouth and nosefilled with saltwatersaved by a fatherwho still caredstill I think about the waterin a romantic waynothing real

whenever I was illwhich was alwaysyou (husband) would carry meto the soaking tubit was the only thingthat could get me throughthe first night after chemoand youunconditional youwhose only goal wasto make me smile

me so untouchableafter so much illnessso much lossdead husbandsdead friendsthe rapesI could not even feel bitterlet alone lovestill your affectionsustained meeven if I could neverunderstand it

I was just waitingfor the last moment to comeyou kept me companymy diversionmy lifelinetill I didn’t need it anymore

This morningthe clouds are comingin from the northa squall threatensto emerge in all it’s fury

Still not enough to deflectthe sadness I feelI think of youthe you I metten years agonot the broken youfilled with rageand bitterness you

I question whetherit was weaknessor strengththat made mepack my bagsI was always called selfishso I get confused

Island Living​It's a funny placejust to say the nameelicits smilesand dreamsbut that’s the pretty painted partnot the horse left to die tangled in barbed wire partor the starving dogstearing a young hen apartall this morning.I saved the horse with wire clippersI was too latefor the hen

Each morning I wake upto the steady crash of wavescrazy blue oceanyou can see foreverstill I know it's not foreveror as big as what I've seenthat is Godyeah, I am saying itnamelessbut personaland fuck itI was a non-believertill I hit this rock and it kicked meto the bottom sober

there's somethingabout having a bat falling on your headin the middle of nightyou move slowlybecause until you know it’s a batit could be deadly

the other stuffis just thatlike eating my dinner and then noticing the ants in the gravyor how I squeeze my eyes shutafter turning the light onin the middle of the nightto let whatever freakish intruderscurry away first

all this is fineit’s the lonelinessthat’s harrowing

the derangedpunctuate the day

I tell Carlno movie tonightit took 20 minutesbecause he's either deafor drank too much everclearat least he kept most his clothes on

Peaches wants meto help her fix the shoeshe carries aroundbut never wears

I gave Sidney chips and waterthen he passed outon a pile of cardboard boxes in the alley

I tell it to the doghe looks at me with tired eyes

I tried to paintbut was hauntedsat in a folding chairwatched the clouds roll bythen the rainthen the sunthen the nightthen the silence

you justify it would kill your parentsyour children and what about my job?

but your self-employed I saydisentangling myselffrom the mess

I watched you for yearswith loathingtill one day it turned to sorrowthen nothingabsolutely nothing

Number 3he was drunkcalled me pretty​then passed out

I wonder if there will ever be anotherwill he speak Englishwill he rub my bhudda bellytell me I am the prettiest girlin the whole wide worldsee my darknessas lovethat blossomsenlightenmentnot to be afraidof any of the possibilitieswalk with meempty handed into the void

Poems from my Marriage 2000-2010

Future Husband​I struggle with your words ignore the plainnessthe fact that you still talk about high school

at nightI make a raft out of numbersdays without sugarthree meals a daynothing in betweenthe amount I weighyears without booze/cocaine/heroindead husbandsdead friendsthe stepsfrom my studioto the house in the darkthe age of a sonlong deadthe birthdays uncelebratedthe chickens killed

morning is brightI walk on eggshellsis today the day?

I prayed last nightfor God to take meto trade my lifefor the eminent death of a childsomeone’s beautiful babysomeone’s unthinkable tragedy

I asked Himfor an aneurismin the morning I make pancakesno chicken yetgo back to sleep

Chachacha

​Chachachadon’t you know that I love youswollen feetchachachaI’m thinking of youchachachadon’t wake my husbandor the shrinkdefinitely not the doctor

Don’t tell secretsitchscratchitchdon’t you know that I love youI sound all rightall rightI’m not those wordsI’m not those bumpsyou’re the nightcan’t move you any fasterI’m definitely not meyou’re definitely you

chachachano emergency roomcan’t help me4 AMI’m sproutingretainingswollenhurt hurtsalone with you4.05 AMchachachakill the dogschachachadon’t do thatitchshameitchy hotred hotyou (me looking at me)fear is a comin!bar the doorpull the dresser over

Don’t let it in

God what did you say?

You will never leave me?

my husband breathes1-2-3-1-2-3don’t wake himscalps on firescratchscratchif I could find the gunI could find the truth

I only have a few years leftI feel like my bones are bruisedI’m so scareda woman with this same illness died this morningI meant to visit her but I couldn’t bring myself to do itdo you know I had three abortionsone forced one rapeone mistakeI wanted childrenI think about them when I lie next to youthree small bodiesdraped in blackwith one soulforever cycling through

before you cameI was waiting for the endnothing to betray my beliefthere was any perceivable futurehurled into early enlightenmentpermenetly chained to the moment

If I live how will you feel when you’re thirty-five and I’m fifty-four?you’re so beautiful

In the time meant for sleepingI rub my cheek againstthe stubble that growson your jawthe gun is in the drawera constant reminderthere’s an easy way out

I hate the way I lookI see the disease nowin my belly and facehow can you love me like this I am so tired I found more bruises today

I lie silentlytill there is nothingmore than cricketson a summer nightthe after the fourth of Julysound of the crowd gone homethe residue of my thoughtsstowed safely away for another nightI watch you open your eyessmile restedjust another day

​End of a Marriage

I still think about youyou who held my handevery Friday for almost ten yearsas they infused my body with poisonshoping to save mefrom my incurable selfyou who cradled my trembling bodylifting me into the tubhoping the warm water and oxicodinewould make it tolerableI sufferedtill my marrow softenedand made plattletsthat allowed me to liveone more weekyou made me laughsat in the front rowand were a marvel to look atyou asked me onceif I ever listened to anything you saidI said nobut I loved the sound of your voiceI always willI love youI am sorryforgive me

​EX​I called my ex husband tonightalmost asked him backfor the wrong reasonsthe sea has shown meno one can make it betterI feel all desire leave mewet, salty, heavy girl

it is a different kind of sadnessnot sorrow of deathor misery of lonelinessit’s the realizationnothing ignites youyou are too damp

I think of the wayyou used to make me laughhow I loved to say “My Husband”you adored every inch of meyou propped me up when I was wearypity was never presentthough sometimesit was all I wanted

You expected so much from menot personally but in a bigger wayyou were brave when I couldn’t remember my namefunny when I crawled across the floorto lay on the cool tiles before I vomitedwhen I went blindyou sent me to pick out the bathroom tilesI never saw you crymaybe I never saw you

I was not unconditionalwhen you fell apartand wouldn’t leave your roomI didn’t know what to do365 days later you still sat in your chairI left you there

I love youalways willbut not in a healthy wayI love you because you filled mewhere I was emptyyou loved me like the mother father brother I never hadI could do nothing for youlost in the wildernessI was bewildered when it came to rightous love

​Dad 1929-2015

Happy Birthday Jesus!​I’ve never celebrateda holidayit takes training to do such thingsor childrenI have neither

Christmas Evein the supermarketI bought day old cakeslox and whole bean Verona coffee

why do I always see myselfthat waybundled up and aloneshe makes her purchaseshuffles towards the exit

I’m on my way homefrom the hospitalbeen going everydaywell almostto see my father

It is the most timeI’ve ever spent with himtwo days before Christmasthey wheeled him awayshaved, catheterized and IV’edbefore he went in he made me turn my backwhile he took out his teethand handed them to me in a bagready to have his heart repaired

later that day unconsciousplugged into machinesI stood by his bedhe was so still

they let heart patients wake on their ownhe looked exposed

I’d never seen my father vulnerableleast not physicallyexcept one morning when I was sixhe lay on the floor of the living roomin his underwear crying

they say kidney stonesare one of the most painfulthings to experience

he had always been kind to meif not presentI forgive him for this

Christmas morningfeels like Yom Kipper, Day of Atonementanother holidayI’ve never celebrated

I sleep for 14 hoursnot an escape just restI do not believeI have ever just rested