Dear Prudence: Family pass

Saturday

Jun 14, 2014 at 10:00 AM

By Emily YoffeSlate

DEAR PRUDENCE: My husband knows that he has a free pass when he goes out of town on business trips, and our policy is don't ask, don't tell. Recently he went on a trip to Las Vegas where my younger half-sister works. I gave my husband her contact info so they could meet up as family members do and catch up. Later I come to find out he had sex with her! I'm mad that he chose to do it with a family member, while my husband insists he thought it was fine because we are not that close and did not grow up together, and he's only ever met her twice. Did I bring this on myself by allowing him free passes, or should he have looked elsewhere for sex? — STEAMED SISTER

DEAR STEAMED: Your husband may have gotten a free pass to the buffet at his hotel, but it probably had some fine print on it about how many meals he could get out of it, so he should understand every "free pass" comes with fine print. You and your husband may have a "stays in Vegas" clause to your marriage, but he just busted himself by telling you that your attempt to make sure he had someone nice to have dinner with ended up with him having a companion for breakfast. (And when he's away, do you have a pass to play?) I agree with you that he knows his lame defense, "You barely know your half-sister," is half-baked. However, what's happened has happened. So you need to tell him without rancor why you are hurt, and he needs to understand he owes you an apology, and you two need to clarify your rules.

DEAR PRUDENCE: My significant other's two boys stay with us every other weekend. He has been divorced from their mother since they were very young, and they have not been taught good hygiene practices. Although we have finally gotten hand-washing after you use the bathroom down, they come from their mother's house in absolutely filthy clothes and usually haven't showered in a week. I'm pretty sure they sleep in their school clothes most nights and rarely change. The 9-year-old's (this is really gross, sorry) underwear are so dirty we usually just throw them away. He is also a chronic nose-picker and doesn't cover his mouth when he coughs. The issue comes from the fact that I want them to shower and change immediately when they come over Friday nights, and I spend a large part of Sunday afternoons after they have left on cleaning and washing the blankets where the nose-picking and coughing has happened. My significant other complains that we are making his kids feel dirty and that it makes him feel like I don't like his children. I do like them! They are sweet kids. He does remind them to use a Kleenex and wash, but as soon as he leaves the room, it's the finger right up the nose. I have repeatedly reminded the child, but I don't want to be the wicked girlfriend, so I usually just go somewhere else. Should I just relax my standards, or is this unacceptable for the majority of parents? — ALLERGIC TO FILTH

DEAR ALLERGIC: Your boyfriend is the one who needs to clean up his act. His sons are neglected to a point that borders on abuse. Sure, many kids resist getting in the tub, but children who sleep in their clothes and have underpants that are so filthy that they need to be discarded are kids who are living with a mother who is not up to the job. I can only imagine that their classmates refuse to sit with them because they stink. The nose-picking could be some kind of compulsive behavior or a form of self-comfort. This is not simply an issue of teaching the kids good hygiene — and good for you for stepping up — but of addressing with your boyfriend his responsibilities as a father. He's got to stop sweeping the real issue under the rug, which is not how nice you are, but how hurting his children are. Once he recognizes what's going on, it could be that he needs to consider whether he should have primary custody. This means some serious talks ahead for the two of you.

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