Transgender & Transsexual Issues, Information, Advice, & Opinion

Should We Keep Transition Regret Under Wraps?

Films like Regretters may have some trans people concerned about “airing our dirty laundry” to the public. After all, if some people “regret” transitioning, then non-trans people might see it as a mistake that should be avoided, and anti-trans factions could use the information against us — to try to make getting hormones and/or surgery more difficult by arguing that transition does more harm than good and obviously doesn’t work out.

But the public has dirty laundry, too (I’ve seen it — I used to go once a week to the laundromat). There is probably nothing in life that has not been regretted by a few who have done it.

I know people who have converted to Christianity, then changed their mind and gone back to their original religion or have denounced organized religion entirely. Does this mean that we should do away with Christianity because, well, it obviously doesn’t work out?

I know people who have left the Democratic party to become Republicans and then switched their allegiance back to the Democrats again. Does this mean that we should do away with the Republican party because, well, it obviously doesn’t work out?

I know liberals who have become conservative and then moved toward liberalism again. Should we do away with conservative ideology because of it? I know people who voted for George W. Bush and then almost instantly regretted it. I know people who have changed doctors, hair stylists, neighborhoods, even states, and then regretted it. Should we do away with California because some people regretted moving there and have moved away again?

You can see where this is going. A handful of people who regret something they’ve done is not grounds to eliminate that entire something, whatever it is (although I’d like a vote on the Republican party, conservative ideology, and George W. Bush).

Sometimes transition does not work out, although it’s rare. The vast majority of those who have transitioned will say that it was their only option, and most regrets expressed involve not doing it sooner. But regret is definitely out there.

Transition is made more difficult by the rigid and unrelenting gender expectations that the culture holds up as ideal, making it problematic for those who simply cannot meet those ideals. And the discrimination that trans people face in society — the difficulty finding employment, the verbal harassment, living in fear of mistreatment or even assault — all those things can add up. And, yes, they can sometimes cause regret.

I think it’s important that we do present this side of transition. It’s important that we not struggle to hide the negatives — because, for some people, there are negatives.

To deny this is to present an unrealistic picture that few will believe. To acknowledge it is to say, “Here are some problems that could occur. And here are some things that could be done to mitigate those problems — like relaxing gender roles and expectations. Like giving us our rights. Like trying to understand us. Like accepting us as human beings.”

To acknowledge it is to say, “We’re not perfect. Neither is the society into which we are born. How can we make things better for everybody?”

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5 Responses

I saw the trailer for this the other day. My overriding reaction was that these people had expectations that were really out of whack. One of them even says he expected to suddenly start doing housework!!

But…these people transitioned many years ago. things were way different even back in 1991 when I started my first, incomplete, transition. Today, I can make choices about who and what I want to be in a way that didn’t seem available even in the 90’s in San Francisco.

I don’t think any of this should be “hidden”. What if someone’s transition regret would help another person be sure it’s what they need? It can work that way too.

We shouldn’t try to control the message to that degree. We need to just be people, with flaws and confusion and all. it seems to me that’s the only way to “just people” in the eyes of society too.

Some people regret marrying or having children. Nobody says that people should stop to marry or have children.

It’s like with other topics that are “dirty Laundry”, for example violence in lesbian and gay relationships. As long as we can’t talk about that in public, we can’t remedy these problems, and that’s another symptom of our suppression.

I would say that as Anonymous points out keeping regret or domestic violence a secret or any of the negative sides makes oppression more readily available by the oppressor. Simply because if it is forbidden for the people who endure regret to talk about then transition stories become one sided, and those with regret become a tool of the oppressors instead of people. Their stories may be co-opted anyway, but if their stories are accepted as the reality for some people then there is less power in the misuse. Furthermore ignoring the people with regrets creates a minority with in a minority, and could create another “forbidden subgroup” and therefore would add to the risk that those people are oppressed as the stigma for regret increases. This detracts from the support that anyone needs with or without a successful transition.

I´m just trying to find out “our” opinions about the movie, outside Sweden.
I do agree with you, there´s no good in trying to hide neither the film nore the “regretters”. But I´m worried about that the transcommunity don´t seem to get any voice in the debate about the movie. Or about the “regretters”.

I´ve seen the film, and talked to the director and one of the actors. And at least here in Sweden, I can´t say that the transcommunity (at least not the part of it thats interested in any kind of treatment) has been invited to discuss the movie. If thats the case in other countries as well, there is a great risk that the message about these cases aren´t representational for most of the transgendered will never reach the viewers. Also, I´m starting to see comments in media, blogs and internetforums, from people refering to the movie while they arguing against sex reasignment treatment.

What I would like to know is, what is the situation in USA?

Are trans people (including those who want or have had treatment) invited to talk about the movie, at queer festivals, movie festivals and gender seminars?

Has there been any negative effect in media or at internet, as described above?

Has there beeen any discussion about the context not being discussed in the movie? ( doctors role, who has the power, heteronormativity, what are “regret cases”?, etc)

I haven’t seen the film, because, as far as I know, it only played in very limited areas in the U.S. – a few film festivals, and none of them near where I live. So I don’t if there was any discussion at those various festivals. Maybe someone who sees this and has seen the film will comment.

I would say that there has not been any widespread negative effect in the U.S. from this film.

I think films like this are what the anti-trans contingent uses to say that transition is wrong or that it shouldn’t be allowed, as you said. But they will always find something.

There are a few people who do regret transition, and I don’t think that we should attempt to keep this hidden. It’s a fact. Yes, people will use it against us, but, as I said, they will find something. If it’s not this, it will be something else.

The vast majority do not regret transition, but even for trans people who are questioning, it’s not a bad thing to see that there are some who regret their decision.

But that didn’t answer your question. I honestly don’t know what has occurred in the U.S. around this film. It has not made a particular splash here that I’m aware of, and I don’t think it has had any impact, positive or negative, on our community over here.

Hopefully, someone who has been to one of the festivals where it was shown will see this and respond.

Thanks for reading! It’s great to talk to someone in Sweden. Although the Internet has its negatives, this is why I love it. I get to hear from people I would never know otherwise!

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