To its proud designer, the new England strip is "a whole new concept" in footballing attire. But to everyone else, it looks suspiciously like a school PE kit — albeit with a price tag to make the PTA revolt.

David Blanch, the Umbro designer who came up with the new design, said he was aiming for a classic look which harked back to the glory days of English football. It's certainly timeless.

The shirts, which go on sale to the public on Wednesday, appear little more than very expensive replicas of the white polo shirts worn by young boys during games lessons every week since 1966 and beyond. Asda is currently offering two for £2. The England shirt costs £50, a 25% increase on the previous design.

To justify the RRP, Blanch has employed an impressive amount of doublespeak to talk up the technological wizardry of his design. The shirts boast "intelligent ventilation points", which look very much like arm holes to you and me. It incorporates "tailored shoulder darts specifically designed to accommodate the biodynamics of the shoulder". It's hard to tell from the official pictures, but this ever-so-clever touch appears to be a seam.

The shorts, we are told, have a "high gusset". This, apparently, is to focus attention to the upper torso. It also runs the risk of making the wearer look like Simon Cowell, but when the England team gave the kit its first airing during the friendly against Slovakia on Saturday, their waistbands looked no nearer their nipples than usual.

Much has been made of the single-button collar, said to be "the embodiment of Capello's 'smart performance'". Surely a smarter tactic for the new England manager would be to worry less about what his squad are wearing and more about their performances on the field, but who are we to quibble. It's probably quite nice having a collar, if only to turn it up, Eric Cantona-style.

The new shirt is plain, without frill, just like Capello's regime. There is a discreet Umbro logo on the right breast and three lions on the left. The lions are apparently a "beacon of pride", but given they are more associated now with 43 years of failure, it might have been time for a rethink.

Gone is the red trim that adorned England's three other strips in the last five years. In plumping for a pure white kit, Fabio Capello is hammering out a crushingly obvious metaphor straight out of the football managers' phrase book. No more scandals on or off the pitch: his team are going to be whiter than white.

The official blurb says the colour choice is "a statement of confidence and unity — an intimidating sight for opponents". This is twaddle. As soon as the kit is covered in grass stains, the players will look like little boys whose mums won't buy the premium washing powder. Red and blue are much more forgiving, and you don't need to wash either on a hot cycle.