Hi Bees! Desperately in need of your advice, stories of similar situations, etc. to help me figure out what to do! Warning: My story’s a little long, just to give you some perspective…

I have a “friend,” we’ll call her Beth, that I’ve been trying to shake for some time. She seemed super nice at first, but then slowly over time started acting really demanding and bossy. She doesn’t really listen, talks exclusively about herself, and lies about little things all the time to get her way. She told a lie to get out of going to my birthday party, which she promised she’d go to; she never apologized for being late to my wedding and saw me with my dad getting ready to walk down the aisle; always insists on having her way with restaurants, movies, etc. if that gives you an idea.

Once, when we spontaneously decided to host a “snow day” party together, I offered to have it at my apartment because I had plenty of food and drinks for everyone. To avoid having to leave her apartment (5 minute walk from mine), she lied and told me she had plenty of supplies for everyone, and to come to her place. Minutes before the party started, she texted me telling me to bring my food and wine over because she didn’t have any. I trudged through the snow with my DH lugging those heavy bags to her place. When I confronted her about her lie, and she just smirked awkwardly.

Basically, even though I’ve really not been ok with Beth in a while, I’m in school for a really short time, and kept socializing with her casually since we had tons of mutual friends.

Fast-forward a year later. I just caught Beth in her latest lie, which long story short, she told in an effort to get me to do her a favor 2 weeks earlier than we’d originally agreed. This time, when I caught her, I told her the deal was off for 2 reasons: 1, because of the lie, and 2, because I will be busy packing to go out of town on the earlier date she demanded. She completely freaked out, and basically threw what I can only describe as a temper tantrum in the school hallway. She didn’t speak to me for weeks. This was the first time I’ve ever NOT caved to her unreasonable demands…I’ll admit I’ve been a pushover.

Since the fight, she stopped inviting me to anything with our mutual friends. But we still run into each other in class and at school social events. The most recent time (Thursday), I was with a different group of friends that she’s not close with, and she kept trying to insert herself into our group and talk to me like nothing had happened. I was polite and engaged in chit chat, but tried to keep a healthy distance. I don’t want to burden our friends with this conflict, but I don’t want to get sucked back into a toxic relationship with her. My question is, how to I handle this now, given (a) the small size of our school, and (b) the large number of mutual friends? Should I initiate small talk, or simply respond if she initiates? If she tries to talk about the conflict again, what should I do? Should I follow my DH’s advice and refuse to talk to her altogether no matter how awkward it is?

TL;dr – Big fight with a bad friend, lots of mutual friends, want to keep the peace and also prevent getting sucked back into the friendship. How do I make that happen?

Bees, you have helped me so many times in the past…thanks in advance for any helpful advice you have!

What would I do? Cross her off my list of freinds and quietly disappear. Stop answering/returning calls. Be vaguely polite when you run into her. Life is too short for toxic friends. Ain’tnobodygottimeforthat.

I would completely cut all ties with her. Life it too short to deal with crazy. If she engages tell her that you can’t be the friend she wants you to be and be done with it. Maybe she will get the picture. I had to cut a “friend(s)” out of my life last fall and it has been the best decision. No more worrying about what they may think, say, and control. You will feel better after you rid yourself of her.

I would let the other friends know what’s up (because they’ll surely sense it anyway) but keep details as vague as possible so as not to engage in gossipping or back and forth between you and the other girl. Kepe it as drama free as possible, maybe just say you guys drifted apart or something.

dgplmr86: Really glad that you didn’t regret your decision! I think it will be the same way for me.

FutureDrAtkins: I REALLY hope you’re right about the getting older and wiser thing. It’s been a bad habit of mine to pick up kind of bad friends (who don’t seem to have many friends) because I feel sorry for them, and I always pay for it in the end. Hopefully I’ve learned my lesson and will get less tolerant of ridiculous behavior!

I’m sorry this has come forth. But, if it’s one thing I’ve learned over time, it’s the minute I ignore my gut feeling Is the minute I get in trouble. This person is toxic. You don’t owe her anything. You owe it to yourself to have the luxury to choose who you want in your life and who You dont. I know it’s hard because you have mutual friends. There is no need to have or cause drama in their friendships. I would have that “uncomfortable conversation” with her. You are both adults. Base it on facts of her actions. Wish her well, and move on. Don’t stay up at night worrying about people who don’t do the same for you. Your other friends will have to stay neutral and not get involved. It’s none of their business. Your Friendship With The Is your own. They like you for you. You And Your Toxic Friend are not a package deal. Best of luck. Life is way too short for to be Around people who are not quality people who treat you badly.

CandieC88: Be civil but cool and distant. Don’t seek her out for conversation but respond briefly if she speaks to you and excuse yourself as soon as possible. Don’t do her any more favors, period. That alone might do it.

If she confronts you, calmly tell her that the friendship doesn’t work for you any longer but you wish her well. If you like, you can be honest – that you feel she demands having her way even lying to get it and that makes you feel used.

I’ve been there with being a magnet for people who don’t treat you as you treat them…and I’m too familiar with the spoiled brat who thinks that friends are playthings to be dictated and controlled. While we didn’t have any other mutual friends, I stopped responding to all communication from a “friend” and didn’t initiate contact anymore. I think the “We can’t be friends anymore” discussion or the “I don’t want to talk to you anymore because of (blank)” discussion is pointless.

A romantic relationship? Sure, you never want to blip out silently. But I’ve found the friend breakup is a much more awkward place. For one, friendships always tend to end for far more chaotic reasons. Second, I have NEVER seen anything good come out of recounting the reasons for the end of a friendship, or even just giving the “We can’t be friends” vague answer. If anything, especially with someone who clearly has issues, it’s more likely to incite her and to cause her to stir up trouble. The silent drift spares her feelings to an extent (she can always convince herself that you’re “just busy”), and she will get the hint sooner or later — probably fairly quickly that it’s all over.

If any mutual friends ask, a casual, “We drifted apart,” should suffice. If you see her approaching, start engaging in conversation with other people. Make idle, polite, like-she’s-a-stranger chitchat. If she asks you what’s up or what’s going on, just an, “I’ve been so busy,” is enough. By the time she uncovers that it’s not wholly the truth, she may not even care anymore.

But, that’s the best thing you can do for your mental health. Cutting my butthole friend out of my life eased up a lot of tension and anxiety I had felt. Until he was gone, I never realized how much better about myself I could feel! But, that’s what happens when you’re around a narcissist who has to put others down to feel better about himself. The same will surely be true for you.