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Loss :(

Recently last March I have lost a baby. I was 13 weeks, but I was told the baby died when it was 9 weeks old. I since then had another wonderful baby boy. Yet still to this day, it still haunts me in the fact that why did that baby pass. What I am wondering is how is the graving process going to continue? I still feel as if it is my fault that I have lost my baby. This happened a year ago.

First, it is not your fault. Miscarriages happen for many reasons, many of which are never known. It is highly unlikely that you did anything to cause yourself this pain. Do not blame yourself.

I have had two miscarriages. It will always hurt, but the pain does get more bearable. I would say part of the process is accepting the loss of your baby, as the loss of a child. Some mothers do not validate those feelings since there is often no funeral, no official farewell. However, it was very much a real loss and should be treated as such. Give the baby a name for closure, say your goodbyes, consider creating a small memorial if only for yourself. Try to find others who have had the same experience, who are willing to talk about their feelings. This forum is a good place to start.

Would it be wrong to say that when I had lost my baby, that instead of having the doctors run tests and basically mutilate it, I make them place it in a substance and I have it in a safe place now. Is that a little morbid for one to do?

It has been a year since you made your last post so I have no idea whether you are still participating on this forum. But your last post sent a little shiver down my spine.

I have had a number of miscarriages. Like you one occurred at 13 weeks. I was having a routine scan when it was discovered the baby's heart had stopped. The baby had died around 8 or 9 weeks, similar to you.

Determined to find answers I agreed to tests being performed on the baby. This established the baby was a girl but not much else. At the time I really didn't understand what the testing involved and it was only afterwards when I read about the procedures used that I began to regret.

I also discovered I could have asked to see my baby and felt deeply disappointed that I hadn't. I called my Doctor and asked how I could retrieve my baby's remains but was told they would now be kept in the lab for a period of 50 years before being discarded. I asked to know the location because I had the crazy idea of laying flowers outside her final resting place, but was told the location could not be divulged.

Subsequent extensive testing of my blood after the loss of my little girl did find a possible reason for my miscarriages and in the end I have two girls. But to this day - 9 years later - I find myself thinking of my little girl - who I named Annabelle - and what became of her body. I regret my decision and wish that I could have laid her to rest with a little service.

In short I envy your courage and the decision you made. I will be 82 when the 50 years is up. Sometimes I wonder if by then I could find Annabelle and finally lay her to rest.

I sincerely hope that you have not suffered the loss of a baby. Miscarriages are sadly suprisingly common - around 1 in 5 pregnancies are estimated to end in a miscarriage. The feelings of loss, sorrow and grief for the life that ended so soon often remain with families for many years, if not forever.

Talking about our emotions and the experiences we have been though can help with the grieving process. Speaking for myself and the miscarriage I experienced, although the sharpness of the grief has faded (3 years on) the thoughts of my unborn baby have not.

I have suffered a number of losses. I take joy in the two little girls I have but no child can ever replace one that is lost. I have come to see the loss of a child as one of life's cruelties that some of us have to bear. Rather than something to get over, it is something to live with. I am thankful that despite losses I have succeeded in having children, while so many women never achieve that dream.

Thanks

Thank you, LJ. It is only really by God's grace that He always reminds me that sufficiency can only be found in Him and nothing and no one, not even a loved one can replace Him. It is also comforting to know that my 2 babies are now with the Lord in Heaven.

I am so sorry to hear of your losses. It is wonderful that you can take heart in your faith. I firmly believe that one day I will see my babies again and that they watch over me every day. This belief gives me faith that all is as it should be, no matter how painful.

A long time ago I was told by a fortune teller that my baby Annabelle was with her Grandmother. This woman had no knowledge of my daughter or my loss when she told me this. My daughter was named for my beloved Nana who had passed away many years before.

Many years have passed since my little girl left but when I feel sad I imagine her with my Nana in some far off heavenly place. It brings me peace.