If the Community Shield today offered anything for the neutral, it was a reminder that the World's Game by turns extravagant, improbable, immoral, unpredictable and predictable is the ultimate farce and the only means of lasting the season is to approach each game as if they were written by Shakespeare or Noel Coward, scripted with the very purpose of provoking the strongest emotions from it's audience.

It's the only way of seeing out a season without suffering serious emotional trauma. Our footballers are a collection of over-privileged, pampered big girls and prima-donnas, so we must be the audience for their performances instead of supporters. We must detach ourselves and the game from reality just as the players have done. We must embrace its absurdity and cruelty. Welcome its injustices and be cautious of its rewards. This is not sport, this is pure theatre and all the world's a stage. Only then can the game be beautiful again.

Terms and conditions: None of the above applies to Tottenham and Phil Brown who will still be regarded as utter utter cunts who will be hated to the very core of my soul until my dying day.