Monday, August 12, 2013

The Best Thing About Bikes Is All The Great Stuff To Put On Your Head!

That's it, I'm quitting bikes.

It's been a steady build-up, but I'd have to say the final straw on the cake is the guy I saw this past weekend riding a bike with clip-on aero bars while wearing compression socks and one of those Giro "Air Attack" helments:

I didn't take a picture because I was "off the clock" and trying to enjoy myself, but it was a really unfortunate get-up. Really, I suppose there's nothing even remarkable about it these days, but I guess I've grown sufficiently out of touch that I still find it jarring, and between the socks and the plastic hat it looked medical--like the sort of ensemble your doctor would insist you wear if you were prone to on-the-bike seizures.

Come on. You're taking a leisurely Saturday ride over the George Washington Bridge. Do you really need to wear surgical hose?

On the opposite end of the spectrum from the clinical, medical, terminal Fred look is the organic, recycled, bamboo-frame-lashed-together-with-reclaimed-dental-floss look, and somewhere around there lies this hat to which I was alerted by a Tweeterer:

With Bike share and rental programs taking off across the US, safety has become a huge concern for travelers looking to optimize city time via a bicycle. But lugging around a helmet can be a bit cumbersome and renting one can often be downright nasty. Enter the Paper Pulp Helmet. A 100% recycled and recyclable, simple, inexpensive option for riders looking to stay safe when having their personal helmet is not an option.

I don't mean to make it all about looks. I really don't. But do you really need to strap a used coffee filter to your head to use a fucking Boris Bike for 15 minutes?

At the very least you should complement your coffee filter helment with some recycled rainwear:

(Can you correctly name this movie? If so email Giro and ask for a free "Air Attack" helment. They're not running a contest or anything, I just like the idea of people bothering them.)

You've got to hand it to the Automotive Industrial Complex, though, for the've successfully brainwashed us into being completely and utterly unable to get anywhere near any sort of bicycle without donning some kind of ridiculous outfit.

Our products Dampen, Buffer, and Deflect oncoming wind... so you can hear everything else better"Rest your index finger in front of your ears during your next ride if you need a reminder of just how much of the surrounding world you are missing." - Technical Editor at Bikeradar.comAbout our products: > Easily attach to the helmet straps > Soft materials dampen/deflect wind > Reduce loud annoying ear wind noise > Acoustic transparence is maintained > Important sounds can be heard better > Performance/Satisfaction Guaranteed

When I see one of those Brontosaurus-egg-carton hats I *will* collapse in uncontrollable laughter, be I cycling, driving an 18-wheeler, carrying babies, or whatever, with all the concomitant risk to the public safety.

Sometimes I trick my bike by acting like I am putting protection on and then when I start to mount up and the head is out of it's peripheral vision I quietly slip it off and leave it laying on the stand and roll out of the shop with that more natural intimate feeling.

Great way to cut down wind noise: lose the healemenent! Although there are arguably no "important sounds" that you can't hear easily. "Cars coming" are loud as shit. "Sirens" too. "Horns" are just the sound of babies crying, so you can ignore that. "On your left" you can definitely ignore the shit out of. "Your Budnitz creaking" you won't be able to escape.

I'm thinking I want to dampen my ears I'll just work up a decent sweat. Or take a shower. Oh hell. I think I'm using my liberal arts education. My nose is going up in the air. Guess I'd better pull on some whitey tighties, cut-offs, a t-shirt and go biking. Wonder if I should put on two coats of sunscreen.

seriously, why has cycling become so stupid? I'm trying to think of THE one product that was produced that spawned stupid shit like Cat Ears. Everyone is so entitled to think that their product can make cycling more enjoyable. Face it, if you can't just get on a fucking bike and ride it then go take up sewing. These products make me so angry every time I see one.

Dude in the funeral video was pretty much an asshole. I mean, I'm not condoning the stupid bitch and bastard in the car hitting him, for Pete's Sakes. Last time I checked, being a convicted asshole didn't get you the death penalty.

But cummon...you're going to block a funeral procession? Really? Way to be an asshole, asshole.

The best thing about the paper helment is that it's held in place by a recycled thong. He needs to get his girlfriend- at least I hope it belongs to his girlfriend- some colorful thongs that match the paper.

I am not going to lie though. I do almost always wear protection when I am riding the heavier kind with the bouncy rear end. You just never know when they are going to throw you if you start down a dirt road.

Any car approaching, that you can hear, but not see, is, roughly speaking, behind you.

All cars approaching from behind you, are eitherA) going to hit you, orB) not going to hit you.

Of the cars in category A), some will 1) sound just like cars that are not going to hit you, and some will 2) reveal in auditory format the fact that they are going to hit you; e.g. tires squealing, grinding against a guardrail, or being too much in your right ear such that directionally you know they're DIRECTLY behind you, things like that.

Of the cars in category A)2) (i.e. cars that are going to hit you, that you are auditorily aware of), some portion i) you can't do anything about, and some portion, ii) you can avoid.

Read "The Bicycle in Amsterdam" or close to it. Just been reading it and half way through. Dutch riders could give a rip about cars. But the cars don't run them down, at least most days. But I am with you. I remember the old 70's ads about being "dead right" where someone gets flattened even though they are in the right. Being a fatberg(look it up) to the rest of the world endears cyclists to even less people.

David, your list is eerily similar to mine. Although I would have to encompass all lifted, loud, 4x4 trucks in the #1 slot, not just Dodge.

Everyone else slows down, gives a wide passing arc, waves. I smile and do the same. Those on the list? Barely move over, whiz by like they're being chased, and the diesel owners mash on the fuel to fog you out for good measure.

Speaking of the dead, a guy jumped off the bridge to his death this morning. Passed by on my way to work, saw him sprawled out. Very sad, though his face looked peaceful, maybe even smirking. The cops were standing around not doing shit to help, which is how I knew, either I'm in New York, or the guy was dead.

Do you ever have one of those days, when the fact that you are not wearing compression socks and an aerodymanic healment doesn't really help you feel any better about yourself... like life is just one big cat 6 sperm race, and fuck me, the aerodynamics actually does help.

CD,those two skits are hi-larious. just made my day... first one is especially to my liking cuz i take pictures... and there's something japanese about it.second one because like him, no matter how much i smoke, i don't get high, i just get depressed. so it's funny.

David 2:05 PMYes. The giant white trucks, and the Prius people. Everything in between is fine, but those guys are all drunk in their own farts, and will actively try to kil you. "Fatass Fucks Drive Fatass Trucks." Out of town, it's the little cocks in their little black "fast" cars that buzz you.

Moving by bike seems ok if you are a minimalist. If you have stuff like a washer, dryer, refrigerator, kids and all their crap I do not see it happending. Last time we moved, 5 inches of snow fell the night before the move. Let me see a guy with a 24 cu ft. side-by-side on his back in 5 inches of snow and I will consider it.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!