Yeah, we know. It’s been almost a year since our last post. But what a hell of a year it’s been. The mundane world pretty much consumed all of our free time and energy. We haven’t even had an opportunity to break out the floggers and rope in a few weeks. But you know what? We’re still happy, we’re still content, and we still deeply love and cherish one another. That’s because BDSM is only a part of our rich and varied lives. There are many forms of intimacy and love and yes, even many forms of wild-scare-the-cats-and-neighbors-monkey-sex. All of those are a part of our menu of options.

On one side, it is intensely intimate to spend a couple of hours just gently exploring each others body, rubbing, massaging, feeling, breathing, kissing. No pressure, no goal, nothing but the blending of breath and sound and sensation and love. The other extreme is just as intimate. The trust and the passion and the energy; the release of inhibitions; the very primal nature of the struggle to conquer and be conquered, to bind with ropes, to blind with silk, to gag with leather. The sight of her arched back and the strain against the rope; the sound of her cries and whimpers as orgasm sweeps over her. The aroma of her arousal as my hand slides into her depths and the feeling of ‘hang on, it’s gonna get bumpy’ when she slides over the precipice into deep and violent orgasms from my hand inside her body and leaves me (the blankets, the mattress and once the floor at the end of the bed) soaked with her essence.

There is something else that is even more intimate to us. Spending a day just sitting in the den cuddling together on the couch talking and laughing and listening to music and watching really bad weather disaster movies on netflix. (Go watch Category 6 and it’s sequel Category 7. It’s almost as good as Sharknado. Trust us.) The physical and emotional intimacy of making love or wild, violent, primal sex is important, but so is the soft intimacy, emotional connection and spiritual healing that comes from a laughter filled day of shared lives together.

Many things are changing in our social and family environment over the rest of this year. We may, or may not have the inspiration to post here. I do have at least three photo essays with a how-to on topics I feel don’t get covered in the way I plan to cover them. They’re either too technical or just bad excuses to put porn on a web page. Watch this space for them over the next few weeks.

This post is much longer than I had intended, but what’s said needs to be said. So go forth, my dear readers, and have a fun, frolicsome, fornication filled day. This Happy Sadist insists, or I won’t spank you when I see you.

Ever get that questions from your partner? Never ends well, does it. You’re honest answer of “nothing” is never taken at face value. They question your answer and then the whole situation devolves into one of doubt, mistrust, frustration and distraction.

There’s a meme floating around that has a his and her diary entry. One side (in the case of the gender switched image floating most recently) has a “His” diary of doubt, miscommunication and woe where “Her” diary simply reads “my code is broken, can’t figure out why”.

What’s really going on here is summed up pretty succinctly by something SAM posted over on her Facebook:

“I love how instead of asking her “what’s wrong” he makes up this huge relationship disaster thing, and she’s just thinking about work. HE COULD JUST ASK HER. But no. That’s too risky.”

When I’m asked a general, information seeking question like “what’s wrong?” I always try to take a moment, look back on the last few minutes of conversation or interactions with an eye towards how my emotional or mental state may have shown on my expressions and body language. I make an effort to empathize with my partner and see myself through their eyes.

My internal reality isn’t pertinent at that moment, only my presentation of that reality. With that bit of self analysis, I’m able to effectively communicate “what’s wrong” because I the know “what’s wrong”. Usually “what’s wrong” is a miscommunication or crossed signal between us.

“What’s wrong?” can be answered by saying, honestly and with confidence “I’m worried about X” or “Just lost in thought; something is farked up with code at work and I’m distracted by it” or “Just thinking about X, Y, Z and Thee”.

When someone asks you “What’s Wrong”, the answer is never, ever, “nothing”. At the very least, “What’s wrong” is a misread signal between you. It’s rarely an accusation, though too many people take “What’s wrong?” as an accusation of “What’s wrong? You’re making me feel bad/nervous/left out” or “You’re not reading my mis-delivered signals and are making me feel ignored” or some such.

Correcting those missed signals requires an almost instinctual root cause analysis on you OWN behavior and it’s presentation to you partner.

Now the other side of that is that when you ask someone ‘What’s wrong”, trust them to tell you the truth and if they say “nothing” then believe them. You can usually trust them to mean “Nothing is wrong with you and me and us.”

I had a pretty good grasp of interpersonal communications for most of my teen and adult life. I am always examining and re-examining my interactions with people, especially those that did not turn out the way I wanted them too.

SAM has helped put a fantastic amount of polish on them in the almost 7 years she’s lived with me. We both had enough hidden emotional land mines to blanket a demilitarized zone. After the first couple, we both started forcing ourselves to take a step back and *asking* when the reaction we got wasn’t what was expected. The scariest part the first few times was being completely, brutally honest with ourselves AND each other. It really doesn’t take more than a few times for the world to NOT end when you’re open and vulnerable with your partner before that becomes *easier* than the whole “ugh grunt me man me no feel emotion!”.

So the next time you feel the need to ask your partner “What’s Wrong?”, accept the answer of “Nothing” and follow up with something more empathetic and understanding. Saying something like “Ok, but you seem distracted and distant. Anything I can do to distract you from your distractions?”

Make your partner feel safe to open up to you. If you accuse them of lying to you, you’ll never build any kind of trust. They’ll pull further away at best and, usually, start truly lying to you to prevent the entire spiral of accusations and acrimony that almost always results from that kind of interaction.

So how do you, dear readers, answer that question? What questions drive you batty? What answers make you grind your teeth? How do you work through them to a mutually beneficial, honest, and healthy interaction?

I keep seeing a lot of talk about how the Sex Positive movement is about liberating women’s sexuality, combating slut-shaming and body shaming, gender equality in sexual imagery, etc. What I don’t see is a lot of talk about the male side of the equation. Why is that? I have my own ideas, but I’ll let the discussion run for a bit first.

Over on one of my favorite blogs: The Beautiful Kind is a post about Slut Rings. I like the idea of a slut ring. Sluts, of all genders need our own bling. We need rings and pendants and t-shirts and great big glowing hats that say “It’s MY body and I FUCKING enjoy living in it!”

Physical pleasure, freely given and freely received, is one of the most primal needs we have. It’s on level with food, oxygen and shelter. Why not proclaim proudly to the world that we have a right to our bodies and to our physical and mental health?

Purity Rings are great for those who want to wait. I don’t care what the reason is. It doesn’t matter to me if it’s a rationally thought out, consequences and pleasures weighed and judged, or if it’s because the great stern, bearded, sky-man told you so from an inflamed shrubbery. What matters is that it’s their choice. And I deserve that choice too.

At no point will I tell someone their decision about their body is stupid, dirty, wrong, or immoral. Shame about our selves and our bodies is one of the most evil things you can invoke in someone else. It destroys the soul, bit by bit, every time it happens.

Society has put the term slut on anyone who takes ownership of their body and their pleasure. So be it. I take the title and make it my own. I am looking for MY slut ring. And will wear it proudly.

How about you, dear readers? How do you display your sluttiness, your ownership of your own body and pleasures?

I rarely post political rants, but this one needs to be said. I won’t bore you with yet another blog post about the idiocy going on in congress over birth control coverage, abortion rights, etc. You’ve seen it, read it, heard it, said it.

What I will do is speak briefly about consent and rape. What I want is comment and discussion so I’ll keep this brief and to the point.

If someone uses coercion, force or threat of force to violate the body of a woman, through unwanted physical manipulation up to the point of penetration of her body with a foreign object, then that is, in a word, rape.

Forcing a woman, for whatever reason, to submit to an unwanted physical penetration, an unwanted intrusion into her private affairs, an unwanted and undesired exposure of her most intimate encounters and her body itself, is rape.

Placing yourself between a woman and the requirements of her health and well being, placing yourself as arbiter of her health and her personal interactions with other people is abuse.

Using force or the threat of force to forbid a woman the access to the things she needs to maintain her health, wellness and happiness is abuse.

Forbidding a woman, through coercion, force or threat of force, the right to choose how she cares for her own body is abuse.

I think we can all agree on those definitions when talking about personal interactions. If it were a lover, a spouse, a parent, a neighbor, a friend acting in those heinous ways towards a woman, every one of us would be first in line to protect her, help her, see that justice is done.

But we have a situation where it’s not a friend or a relative or a spouse acting in those heinous ways. It’s Congressmen, CEOs, Priests, and Presidents. What I ask now, is what do we do about it?

(Yeah, I’m cross posting this from my photography blog. Deal with it. <grin>)
I found myself in a creative mindset tonight and decided to experiment a bit with B&W images. I went back to a set of Jess & Swan Song from June and either did a new treatment of one of the shots I’ve already published or picked out new images from that set to play with. I think you’ll like the results.

A full after action report from Dragon*Con 2011 will be coming in a day or two, after SAM and I have had a chance to compare notes. It’s always fun sitting down after a major convention and talking about what/who/where/when/how we did when not together.

We apologize for no updates during the convention but Wi-Fi access was spotty to non-existent all weekend. Now that we’re home, though, photos and all the sweaty details to come. Watch this space.