Monday, January 31, 2005

Sexual Dynamics

Human dynamics have always intrigued me. The interactions between people, relationships and character. I often find myself studying someone else and wondering what motivates them. What makes them tick. What drives them. What turns them on.

As a child, I used to wish I could be invisible so that I could silently observe people and see what they did when they thought that they were alone. I still wonder about that.

EH was interested to read the blog tonight, and truthfully I was curious to how he’d react to my post about slipping into the bathroom for a little solo fun. I fidgeted a bit and confessed that I worried he might disapprove. He didn’t. He agreed with ShortStoryDude and said it was hot. And thus, a new dynamic of our relationship took place.

I don’t openly touch myself in front of EH unless it’s in the act of hot sex. In over 10 years, he’s “caught” me once and instead of embarrassment, I just pulled him into the tub with me. I’m not ashamed that I pleasure myself…heck, EH should be relieved – imagine the pressure on him if I didn’t!

As much as I have always enjoyed my own touch, other people’s sexuality intrigues me. I mentioned in yesterday’s post how I had coaxed EH into demonstrating his own stroke in front of me. While he may have hesitated, he saw clearly and immediately how fascinated I was. I was riveted. It was without a doubt, the sexiest thing I have ever seen. That image burned into my mind and I must have replayed it a million times in the past 24 hours. And I know, without doubt, that EH will forever be able to move me to a state of wet, warm arousal in this manner instantaneously.

For a couple together as long as we have been together, it is refreshing to find ourselves rediscovering new sexy thrills together. I find myself fantasizing about more experimentation and discovery…

The next part may seem a little hard to believe…

Despite what happened in the past, and my intense feelings on it – I have always had a bit of a secret arousal at the idea of EH being turned on by another woman. Before you decide I am a lunatic, hear me out…

There is a major difference between fantasy and reality. I have fantasized many times about making love to EH with another woman. Watching her take him in her mouth. Kissing him as she sucked him. Just the idea of it makes my entire body tingle. But I could never actually do that because I would forever worry about disease, cheating (when I am not involved), etc. Still, the fantasy is hot and has taken me over the edge of an orgasm on many occasions. I’d be interested to take EH to an exotic dance club and treat him to a VIP room lap dance. This is very different from the indiscretion that caused so much trouble because it’s not about secrecy, connections or betrayal. I have control in the situation and the power to draw boundaries and remove anything that makes me uncomfortable.

EH has been careful to not express interest in this direction, most likely to keep me from feeling jealous or worried. Actually a fairly smart move on his part. It’s partially his air of indifference that makes the idea so appealing to me. I suspect it’s a large part of what turns me on.

Whatever our future together holds, sexually, emotionally, romantically – I believe it’s going to be something incredibly special and loving filled with tenderness, passion, genuine love and lots and lots of delicious sex…

And speaking of delicious sex…I’m going to try to coax that man of mine upstairs for some playtime…and no doubt, at some point, I’ll be imagining some rather dirty things during the fun.