~ A Chronicle of My Fresh Start

From Two to None

Friday was one of the hardest days I have had in months. It was emotional and brutal. I cried on the phone with BP for an hour in the morning as I decided to cancel my christmas trip to see my family. At this point, it is postponed. I will know after lunch today if it is cancelled.

My biggest probem is money. BP is basically cutting me off. Okay, he’s not cutting me off, but we had a hard, serious talk about money and how I am not making any. Rather than get a stipend pre-launch, he pays for things for me — which is a situation that makes neither of us happy. When it came down to travel, he had delayed buying the ticket I picked for long enough that it doubled in price. The flight he picked for me had a baggage fee, which made me flip out since I hadn’t budgeted it.

All of a sudden, the fact that I had absolutely no money hit me and I burst into tears. Would he buy me the ticket, slip me cash, and send me off to New York? Of course. But I just cannot justify it. I also cannot justify not going. It’s a mess and I still have no idea what I should do. I feel like I should be responsible for once and skip the vacation since I just spent two full weeks at home with my mother.

BP has been ill all week — flu, or something. He’s been miserable and sleeping all week, which is one reason we hadn’t worked this out before the day I was scheduled to leave. He was finally feeling a little better yesterday, so I told him in the late afternoon “I want to see you.” The goal was to work a bit, sort out some of the things we are dealing with and make some decisions. Eventually he dragged himself out of his sickbed and drove two hours into town. But, he was late. He got into town around 8:30 and we went off to find a “decent restaurant.”

My “Date” with BP

Usually, I have us go to very good neighborhood places, with entrées in the 12-18 range. With the exception of the Driskill, where we eat frequently, they are slightly funky local places. He spends so much money on me, I never suggest the very expensive places when he comes to town. Last night, he moaned about my suggestions, rebelled when I took him to a well-regarded place on South Congress, and said, “we’re going to my favorite restaurant.”

We drove downtown and walked into a whole other world. I was dressed very stylishly, even according to BP, who is so critical about fashion, but . . . in jeans. I felt, by far, the most underdressed person there. Any place with captains is not a place I should be wearing jeans. The irony, of course, is that I always dress, especially when I see BP, but this was a discussion we’d been having for weeks, so I wore the jeans.

Oops.

Dinner was spectacularly good. He ordered a bottle of wine — without asking if I were drinking or what I would prefer — and it was perfect. We were seated in an intimate booth. He recommended my entrée, which was the best meal I have had in ages. First, you can never go wrong with perfectly cooked sea scallops. Wrap them in bacon, and I might be yours forever. We overindulged on everything — bread pudding for dessert, two dessert cocktails each. I even ate bread. (Weight this morning: up only .8 pound)

We left and barhopped all over town, drinking nothing. I held his arm as we walked or grabbed his hand to negotiate through a crowd, but we were very non-physical. He did touch me slightly inappropriately on occassion, but in general, we are very much no longer together. He made no real moves at the end of the night and I treated him like the ex-boyfriend he is. He did make a few moves. He poked at me — always amazed at how skinny I am. He pushed my shirt open to see my new bra. Yes, all of these are moves, but not real moves. He never tried to kiss me, though he walked me up.

He thinks I was sort of trying to seduce him, since I invited him in, but I was very nonsexual with him. I know he’s crazy about me, but I also know we’re not together. It’s for the best since I have a boyfriend and he is choosing, he says, to be alone.

The Problem with BFD

Except I think I no longer have a boyfriend . . .

BFD and I had a rough week — tension on Monday, a long business conversation on Wednesday, and then only a single text message from him on Thursday.

I called him Thursday night. He said he was having business associates in town, but his text said we’d talk later. I called him and he never called me back.

Friday, I called him around 11 am because I was so devastated from my conversation with BP. The phone rang and I left a voicemail saying I was having a rough day and just wanted to hear his voice. No response. I texted him around noon to say I was thinking about canceling my vacation. No response. I called him around 6-ish. The phone rang. No response.

I signed on to facebook this morning and saw he had been on last night (while I was on my non-romantic date with BP).

I called him again around noon today. Again, the phone rang and it went to voicemail.

It’s sort of unreal.

On Monday, he made a big deal out of the fact that everything was fine. On Wednesday, we had our long business talk, which was okay but a little uncomfortable, and I followed up with a long email. No response.

Now, I know he works a lot. I know it’s his money in these deals. I know he is almost as equally dedicated to his sport as he is to business.

He is a busy man whose life is filled with distractions, but the fact I have heard nothing from him in two days is giving me great concern that we are through. Especially because I have been reaching out to him. It just doesn’t make any sense. If he is with me, then he should have reached out, if only to say “hey, I am sorry you’re having a rough day. I am caught up in meetings, but we’ll talk next week.”

Now, here is the most nonsensical part . . .

I think he is in town this weekend.

First, he has business associates in town, he said, so it would make sense for him to still be here.

Second, the days blocked on his calendar did not specify where he would be, as they usually do.

Third, I think he has a house guest because I did a bit of snooping when he left his email open (I know!) and found an itinerary for this weekend that an airline had sent him more than a month ago (I wish I could remember the date but it was made after we were dating) for this weekend in Austin for a woman to fly in from his former hometown. Granted, this is not proof positive of anything except the fact that snooping is always a bad idea — except when it’s not.

Now, this could all be innocent or he is taking a break from us for the next few weeks. We already knew we would be apart for three weeks. Perhaps he just wants a break from everything. Perhaps he is over us and is ready to move on. We have been dating for almost 3 months now, and I can see why he might start to glitch a little bit.

I am preparing myself for the inevitability of the end of our relationship. I know it seems absurd but my intuition is signaling strongly that something is very wrong.

It’s funny to think back on having two men to juggle to being happily with BFD to being back to having none.