Interview with a Carpet

With an upcoming film adaptation of his career, Mr. Carpet has been making the tour circuits, speaking of his life, loves, and losses. Oxi FreshCarpet Cleaning was lucky enough to secure an interview with him just hours before the film’s premier.

O: First, let me get my gushing out of the way

C: (Laughs) All right.

O: Big fan of your work – always have been, always will be. I love the soft, warm feeling you can provide while simultaneously making a room feel proper. I also like how you can be stern and commanding in your next picture without feeling out of place. Not many other flooring types I know of can do that.

C: Thank you. My career has been based on my versatility. I’ve played everything from Oriental rugs to industrial Berbers. It’s refreshing when someone appreciates that.

O: Okay, the gushing is now over.

C: (Smiles) Are you sure? I don’t mind.

(Both Laugh)

Earliest known glamor shot of Mr. Carpet.

O: Since we’re close to the premier, you must be nervous.

C: Not really.

O: You do seem remarkably calm.

C: Well, let’s be honest, I’ve been doing this for a while now – for a few thousand years actually. I remember when I had just started as a simple woven rug in the ancient world, but over the centuries I’ve grown and changed. I’ve seen all the carpet cleaning systems, read all the carpet cleaning reviews – wrote some of them too. I’m used to just about everything now, so a biography of my life doesn’t really worry me. In my eyes, it’s just a long rerun.

O: Well, since this is about your life in review, is there anything you particularly remember or want to share? Are you happy with the way you’ve been treated over the years.

C: Oh, wow, that is a tricky question. Have I liked how I’ve been treated? Yes and No. Yes because I’ve had stand out roles for which I’ve been loved. No because, even though I’m in nearly every picture – providing background, softening the image, establishing the scene – most of my roles are forgotten or only noticed if something goes wrong. I could be in a hundred movies, but the one in which I have a bad spot is the only one people remember. It’s discouraging.

O: Fair or not, people often just see the spot.

C: Exactly. Many acting coaches and carpet cleaning companies have tried to help me at those times, get me back to my ideal state, but they often make it worse. It’s incredibly frustrating when they soak you with hot water and just leave you there to dry out. Have you ever been soaked for over a day? It’s so uncomfortable that I could just scream.

O: That must have been hard for you.

C: Yeah, but there is a company who’s realized the problem and has been fantastic – Oxi Fresh.

O: Aw, you’re making me blush. (Both Laugh) Anyways, I know we’re running out of time, so was there anything else you wanted to talk about?

C: Do you mind if I get on the soapbox for a little while?

O: Go right ahead.

C: Well, something I’ve been campaigning about for a while is green carpet cleaning. Now, I know a lot of us celebrities have crazy pet projects – like Hardwood Floor’s Anti-Termite campaign – but I think this is one everyone can relate to: green carpet cleaning. A lot of cleaners use harsh chemicals and too much water which, besides being uncomfortable for me, is bad for the environment. Controlled water use and safe cleaning solutions are the best – like those that you use Oxi Fresh. It’s part of the reason I gave you this interview, because you’re the perfect example of my cause.

O: Well, I’m very flattered. Thank you for the compliment and the interview. We’re all looking forward to your movie, Walk on Me, coming out today. From everyone here, we wish you the best of luck.