July 15, 2010

Dreams

'And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed..."
I Dreamed a Dream- Les Miserables

Sometimes I reach into my chest, pull out my heart and drop it into the fire. And then while the flames attempt to consume I bite my lip, pound the table and punch the wall. The pain is excruciating but it is better to feel than to be empty and hollow.

I question the wisdom of sharing such thoughts here and hope that you understand why I write these words. I worry that you will misunderstand my intent and that this will cause you distress. That is not my intent or desire. But as you have heard me say so many times sometimes good intentions go astray.

It is not easy to walk the path that I find myself upon. It is filled with unseen hazards and challenges that I cannot always prepare for. There are creatures that live here in the dark that feed upon my insecurities and feast upon my doubt.

But if you know me as well as I think you do you understand that I was built to be the warrior and bred to be the knight protector. It is part and parcel of why I sometimes patrol the woods by your castle. I may not be able to see you now, but I can help to keep the wolves, brigands and roustabouts from making their homes near yours.

Such are the dreams of a man who wishes to be your hero. Ah, but some of this sounds so silly, so foolish and so melodramatic. Maybe it is more appropriate to say that I have clothed myself in hysteria and over blown drama.

Or maybe not. Maybe it is fair to share some things, to tell you that there are moments where I am certain you are around and nights where you take center stage in my dreams. I remember a conversation about dreams. I remember telling you in graphic detail about where we were and what we did. I remember the smile on your face.

The lights flicker and the scenes change. We are somewhere else and the intimacy has changed. You tell me that you can't understand why I am so in love with you and worry that when age catches up with you I will lose interest. I do my best to assuage your concern but I am not sure that you accept it.

I know that look- the skepticism in your eyes speaks volumes. You want to accept and believe but your faith has been shaken and you are uncertain. I don't know how to overcome that. I am unsure how to convince you that I mean what I say. I take your hand and put it over my heart- tell you to feel that beat and ask you to recognize the meaning behind it.

Don't know if it worked- maybe it didn't because you are there and I am here and that means we are not together. Or maybe it just refers to the physical. You told me that we are inextricably linked and it is hard not to believe that.

You spent an hour or so hanging out in a place you don't frequent often but one that I do. I saw you there. Caught your profile with the red dress and instantly recognized you. You looked stunning. It took an enormous amount of discipline not to come pull you into my arms.

But I wasn't convinced that you were ready or wanted that. I don't completely trust my heart. I fear that it tells me what I want to hear and not what is real. But then again I know that matters of love are not based upon logic or rational thought. Nor should they be- sometimes you have to jump into the storm and ride the wind.

I blame you for that. It is one of the many lessons I learned from you. It is part of why you still appear in my dreams and why I remember what it was like to kiss your lips. I am not really sure what it is I am supposed to do. Don't know what path I am to take or where the road leads.

All I know is that I still wish for you to come live with me and be my love. Come dance with me in the rain and under the moonlit sky. Walk through our kingdom and let me do what I do best, love you.