musings from the southern eccentrik

﻿It is my belief that, as a writer, you have to be observant of everything. For me, people-watching strongly influences my writing process. While people-watching, I’m picking up on context clues in conversations, nonverbal communication or body language as well as dreaming up various scenarios and their potential outcomes. During the course of observing life, its’ wonders, and complexities, something will happen, like finding myself attracted to someone. If I’m in deep creative mode, I can detach myself from the surface-level attraction and use it as a muse, of sorts. That’s my way of making sure nothing is discarded from life’s observations. But then, there’s this not-so-often situation when I find myself unable to shake the attraction because it goes deeper than an initial magnetism. Yes, there’s a component of intrigue that draws me even closer to the person, igniting a desire in me to investigate their inner workings. That’s when I have to admit that I’m officially ‘crushing’. I call these instances ‘beautiful distractions’. Let’s face it, as humans, we desire to be connected to each other. It’s how we sustain, really. All of these external pursuits of living such as our dreams and goals are not complete until we have someone who can share in their revelations and manifestations. Yet, at the same time, there is a period in life when adding an intimate Somebody to your life can be challenging, especially if you’re compassionate about making sure they receive the sensuality and connection that they need. So, it’s just best to keep them at a distance….or is it? That is the question that I’ve been pondering for quite some time, now. For many years, I believed that it was a good idea to leave it all alone until I’m in a better place to manage an intimate affair. I do not abide by this anymore. I’ve made some adjustments. As I found myself being so withdrawn from any kind of intimate contact, I saw my work suffering. It was about two years ago that I realized crushing and creating were connected. It’s not a good idea to dam up your emotionality for the sake of your creative work, after all, our emotions, as writers, often drives our work. How believable would our characters be if we detached our emotions from them? In my writing, I link the emotions from distinct experiences to the characters and story; for instance, in penning a line like, ‘At first kiss, the taste of forever was in his mouth’, that came from somewhere within me, whether it is an imagining or a memory. In my opinion, writing is an endeavor in vulnerability anyway, as Ernest Hemingway stated, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” Shange, one of my favorite writers, often mentions the poems written to & from lovers in her works. In evaluating how to effectively crush while creating, I’m learning more about myself as a woman and a lover. It’s pretty exciting shit. The only thing is, I have to make sure the man I’m crushing on understands what I’m doing when I send a mushy, steamy ass poem to him, or else, he could potentially think I’m parched, which is beyond being thirsty. Unfortunately, in this current climate when a mere ‘hello’ can be deemed ‘thirsty’, we can never be too sure. It’s a sad world, in that way. We must change that. But, I digress. The bottom line, here, is that I’m expressive. I’m a writer, for God’s sake, which is perhaps the most expressive art form ever (I’m biased, of course). I sing songs I love very loudly. I commit to memory lyrics that speak to me. I dance when the groove hits me. I, sometimes, yell joyously, when I’m feeling good. I laugh loudly. I moan when I make love. If there’s any part of my life that is restricted from expression, the other areas of my life suffer as well. I cannot afford that, not as an artist or a woman. So, instead of shunning, distancing myself from the attraction because I’m trying to focus solely on my work, I have to incorporate it into my creative process, perhaps use it as a way to escape when writing starts wearing on me. Of course, my crushing is not done in vain. I am hoping to seal the deal, in some way. Here’s where reality steps in because I cannot control the outcomes in life as I can in my writing. To complicate the matter, I have to ensure that the outcome does not overly affect my work. That’s a topic for another post, I think, because the end results of crushing could potentially materialize in new work (and it usually does). My point is that I’m not crushing on a man just so I can take a break & find a way to let off some sensual steam, but instead, I am seeking that man who will compliment my purpose in life. With each crush, I want to explore the possibility of him being the one, yet, I have to accept the end result. Hopefully, it’s favorable for me but, if not, at least I said how I feel. Right, Rhian?﻿

﻿Recently, I saw an article on MadameNoire about dating a man with children. As I read it, I found myself quite amused at the writer's perspective and the advice she offered readers on how to participate in such a relationship. As usual, I had to conclude that the writer is definitely under 40, possibly under 35 because her slant in the article clearly indicated that dating a man with children is still a choice. Based on my observations, most of the content targeted towards Black women on the interwebs is primed for a younger audience, which leaves many like me, snickering (or bemoaning depending on the woman) at the fact that we have arrived at another place in our lives. This is a place where we have become accustomed to many things that our younger sisters are still trying to reconcile and navigate.

In the next couple of months, I will celebrate my 42nd year on Planet Earth and as I continue to manage my life as an unmarried, childless woman, here is one thing I know for certain: dating a man with children becomes standard, unless you don't want to date at all. At this age, children come up during ice-breaking conversations with dating prospects. It's no big deal. A lot of times, you really don't have to ask because the men will casually mention their children's softball games, National Honor Society award ceremonies, high school, and in some instances, college graduations. Mind you, these men are usually in my age group. For instance, I know a 43 year old grandfather. So, I suppose, the purpose of my piece is to offer some insight specifically on how to date men with children and enjoy it. But before I get into it, let me state here that my insight is geared towards women who are childless (we outchea) and not those single women deep in the throes of motherhood but perhaps dating or considering dating men with children.

STEPMOTHERINGFirst of all, if your primary concern is becoming a stepmother, relax...especially if the father you're dating hasn't proposed yet. His child(ren) have mother(s) and the majority of the time, they're holding it down. Chances are, by the time you get to that level of seriousness where marriage is on the table, you should have forged a relationship with his seed(s) by then. They should be comfortable with you and you, being the woman of love that you are hopefully, will have fully accepted his children into your heart. You will feel responsible for them and want to be apart of their lives in a positive way. But, if you're only considering dating a man with children or if your involvement with a Daddy Man is primarily casual, don't get yourself in a tizzy about taking on a ready made family just yet. It is important to note here that most single fathers are not looking for extra help with their kids. Instead, they are looking for companionship and here is where you're supposed to shine. Place your focus on his manly needs and let him handle the father business.

﻿﻿BABY MAMA DRAMA Sometimes baby mamas are warranted in their Cut Ups, sometimes they're not. Your mission is to determine which one is accurate for the Daddy Man you're dating. This requires you to take your time and get to know him, which is typical of any man you're considering dating. All the while, though, please do not involve yourself with the issues he is having with the mother(s) of his child(ren). This is his responsibility. You should not take sides and/or participate in any of their dealings. The reason is because strained or severed relationships involving children (including divorces) can become complicated and justifiably so. There's a lot of unresolved emotional tension that has to be sorted out as the parents make adjustments for the sake of their children. I wish I could tell you to simply find a good man without prior complications with their children's mother(s) but there are plenty of good men that are dealing with this, so if you find yourself drawn to one, please be patient with him as he works to resolve it. If he's cut from the right cloth, you won't even be aware of these issues because he will keep it as far away from you as possible.

TIME TROUBLESWhen dating a man with children, please be aware of this very important fact. You will never be at the center of his attention...and you shouldn't want to be. His children should be his priority at all times. Don't take that away from him by being selfish. Besides, if anything, it should make you desire him more because this is demonstrating that he's on point as a man and father. There needs to be a great deal of honest communication here (as always). You should be aware of his schedule and work with him to establish how the relationship between the two of you will flow.

If it seems as though my pointers place a lot of work on you, that's right. You see, dating a man with children requires you to have a very specific understanding about life and takes some flexibility on your part. See, this is why so many women don't want to bother, however, I am inclined to state that we really have no control over who we find ourselves connected to. Even if your aim is to shoo away every Daddy Man, it is so possible that you will cross paths with one that will make you change your entire mind about that. I am here to let you know that it can be a beautiful, enlightening and fulfilling experience if you are able to manage it successfully. Will issues arise? Absolutely. But what intimate relationship doesn't have its issues? If there is one, it must not have any human beings participating.

Now, these pointers will only work with dating dads that are of a certain caliber. If you find yourself involved with a dating dad that's on some slackness, get the hell away from him. But here's the thing, I have not ran across many *deadbeat* dads, instead, I've met men who are very serious about being in their children's lives. It seems the CDC has provided some data that stated Black dads are more present than the media previously reported...or rather previously lied about. So, I say to my sisters who are on this tip of not dating single dads, let it go and get out of your own way. You may be missing out on the love you've been yearning for.