It basically comes down to making Sharon Stone SCREAM HER HEAD OFF as the only other reason to watch the movie.

But without Parcells there to actually edit and filter Billicheck...you get the idea.

Parcells was the one who knew enough to take this guy as defensive coordinator this, special teams coordinator this...

So Parcells is cool.

But when you know that Bellicheck had the linebackers in the 80s as well as the defensive backs in the New England Patriots Superbowl...you wonder...

We were all about to see the result of all this on a bright sunny day in 1999, as Parcells resigned from head coach and left Bellicheck at the controls.

Bellicheck put a little note on a piece of paper that said "No longer HC of the NYJ".

He then went on a ramble for about half an hour talking about how he was worried that the new owner would fuck him due to not being Parcells.

And he was probably right.

For Bellicheck essentially takes the form of the very very educated...grocery store employee.

You figure sure...I'm gonna just work on the weekends thus I can do my little Respite job with the family I work with.

They need me free on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays to pick the kid up from school and take him home and tutor with him.

So Bellicheck figured he could then work at Jewel on Saturdays and Sundays.

No problem, right? Mondays and Fridays are now off.

Ah...but there is a problem.

Because people who run grocery stores...

Bellicheck knew that if he told them he was only trying to work on Saturdays and Sundays...these pieces of fuck would put him on the schedule...for Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays.

See? This is how well a retail boss processes a perfectly reasonable question.

Then they call at 7 A.M. on that Saturday and don't stop making that phone ring until you wake up.

You're not scheduled to come in until noon? Yeah...about that...

So Bellicheck was sick of all these fucking assholes.

Sick of it.

The problem was that the only teams outside of ones dazzled by Parcells that had made him choice number one...were crappy teams like Cleveland Browns.

Bellicheck ELECTED TO GO TO THE BROWNS.

They sucked.

And so Bellicheck would return to the Patriots when Robert Kraft gave him title of General Manager.

Now we're talking.

The problem was that the Patriots sucked a duck too.

Yet the thing about it was -- cheating had already taken place, and Bellicheck was the victim of it.

Parcells, after all is the man, and Bellicheck after some of the finest assistant work anyone's ever done, was not.

I'm not even going to pretend that Bellicheck was ticked at Parcells's legacy and that's why he cheated.

All I know is that he cheated...and we can maybe guess as to why.

For the cheating that occurs over the next six years would coincide nicely with Kobe's raping and Ray Lewis's accomplice work...as reasons why I yearn for the youth today to return to a time when their influences were more wholesome...

Like when we were kids and it was "legal" to knock somebody down on the basketball court because of everyone who couldn't take Michael Jordan.

The cheating of Bellicheck would work like so --

You have people up in the booth who are there in order to read the defenses and relay what they see down via headset to the coaches.

They are allowed to spy on the other's guys formations all they want, that's why they're up there.

They are even allowed to steal the play signals if they happen to catch them while Trent Dilfer is giving them while flicking at his nose using the other hand as a curtain.

What Bellicheck would do was have these signals stolen by someone who was actually ON THE FIELDS WALKING ON THE SIDELINE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

Sometimes the Jets would be six feet away from someone with a headset who would then relay it up to the booth...who then relays it to Bellicheck.

I used to go fuck...the Patriots are like the inside of a watch.

Look at all those complicated little things all working together to do something that is impeccable.

This is how it go for about six years.

It almost doesn't matter who was on this Patriots team.

It all began when Bellicheck, the defensive backs coach of the Patriots in the 90s, would cut a man who he had built in the man he was -- Lawyer Milloy.

Milloy was so fucking pissed off about Bellicheck's decision that he would actually have a good game for once.

With Buffalo.

We beat those bitches 31-0.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!! YES!!!!

But that was it.

The Bills would lose like the next 14 games.

Meanwhile the Patriots would have Drew Bledsoe, who did really really good.

Then he went down around Week 4.

In would come the guy who handed the ball off alot at Michigan -- Tom Brady.

All we did was wait patiently to hear that Brady had fucked up.

We're still waiting!

Brady is a wonderful quarterback.

Definitely the best in the game today, and one of the finest ever. For REALZ.

Brady's passes were always LOGICAL.

You would watch him in all these messed up little scenarios -- the pass he makes, even if incomplete, is NEVER STUPID.

Brady feels no pressure. Ever.

Brady would be an asset anywhere because he's a master of TIMING.

If he doesn't have all day to throw, it will end up in your hands any damn way.

So Brady will have about 3 losses out of the next 12 regular season games and the nigga hadn't even played before...

------------------------------------------

Meanwhile in Chicago, the Bears were returning.

They would crippled by Baltimore in the first game in Maryland.

Then they went 5-1.

They trailed to the 49ers and whats their faces the Browns deep in the fourth quarter by 14 and 17.

They won, and Mike Brown would intercept Tim Couch and Jeff Garcia's pass in overtime and GO GO GET IN THERE!!! YEEEEEEAHHHHH TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!

6-1.

It was PANDONIUM!!!!

The Bears this year were led by Jim Miller.

Miller's tough.

His running back was the Michigan guy Anthony Thomas who had over a thousand yards.

We thought there would have been trouble without Curtis Conway, and the Best Reciver the Bears Ever Had -- Terry Obee.

NOPE!!!

Desmond White and Marty Booker were GREAT.

But it was the defense that was being bailed out and thus made prominent --

Brian Urlacher, Warrick Holdman and Roosevelt Colvin the linebackers.

Tony Parrish and Mike Brown were the safeties.

Ted Washington and that other big fucker were the lineman. Literally it was a guy who Washington's size.

The Bears however had a bit of a problem -- the Packers.

Green Bay came into Soldier and ruined our lives.

The Bears even beat Tampa TWICE.

But we couldn't beat Favre.

This is why the next Bears coach, Lovie Smith, would make a proclamation at the press conference -- I want everyone in Chicago to know...I can promise you...we WILL beat the Packers.

AND THEY DID, BABY!!!!!!

From 2003 on, the Bears would suck/sort-of-suck under Lovie...we've beaten Favre all but one time.

The Bears would finish 13-3 and we were PSYCHED.

The first game they hosted in the playoffs however would be Philadelphia.

Hugh Douglas tore Jim Miller's bad shoulder.

And laughed.

Donovan McNabb would end up dominating, when every other defense in the world come playoff time SHUTS HIM DOWN.

The Eagles are a fun story because the Eagles LOSE because they SUCK and are ASSHOLES.

So the Eagles have their first big NFC title game loss this year.

They have to go to St. Louis who just made Brett Favre throw 6 interceptions.

This divisional playoff game in St. Louis would mark the first time that Favre started choking like he does every year.

I should be nicer to Favre and Manning, but I'll save that for all the dorks who write about sports.

If you know their histories, the two of them have no business in the world taking that fucking long to win anything.

Manning is 1 in a million.

He needed 10 years.

Gosh darnit to heck.

------------------------------------------------------

So St. Louis had went and got one single guy on their defense -- Aeneas Williams.

Somehow, the Rams have the number 1 DEFENSE now.

Aeneas played a big big role in the first Arizona Cardinals playoff win ever in Dallas in 1997, and the first for the Cardinals since 1954.

Aeneas plays another Superman role THIS year. Neither Favre or McNabb know what to do with this guy.

Aeneas was undoubtedly the star of the 2001 season.

So they end up having to play the Patriots...

------------------------------------------------

Because of world events, this Superbowl would be marred by the corniest of all people.

Who gives a SHIT that the team that represents America now is called the PATRIOTS?!

You want to know what was actually less corny then this Good Will Hunting Ben Affleck team being on our brains?

The Patriots song from their first Superbowl.

It was a gasser.

The Bears had just done the Superbowl Shuffle, mimicked by the Philadelphia Eagles and other NFC teams...and then mimicked by Deion Sanders at Florida State as a way to taunt the Miami Hurricanes and make the Seminoles believe in themselves.

Well in response to the Superbowl Shuffle, a music video is put together in Boston for a song called, I swear to God..."The Patriots and We".

You've got to see this video.

NEW ENG-LAAAAND.....the PA-TREEE-ITS AND WE!!!

(We're gonna bring the title back to our ci-tee)

NEW ENG-LAAAND...

They have people from all over New England contribute something at that point in the paranthesis.

Even some benchers from the Boston Celtics like Greg Kite.

The Patriots had a cool emblem, a cool uniform, and gave that all up for the bullshit they wear today.

It doesn't even look right.

The Patriots are not favored in this game.

Not even a little...

------------------------------------

In the wildcard game, the poor Raiders would have to travel to Foxboro where it was snowing like a fucker.

The Patriots would get away with a fumble because of what's now known as the tuck rule.

Brady was in an overhand motion, thus Woodson knocking it out of his hand is NOT a fumble?

The Patriots win.

Now in the AFC title game in Pittsburgh, once all that shit subsided, you were left with a scenario where Brady's kind of concust.

And so Bledsoe would come in.

And dominate.

He and Troy Brown lead them past the mighty Steelers.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (fart).

And so the Superbowl, where we have to figure out now if it's going to be Bledsoe or Brady who starts against the mighty Rams.

Everyone in the world picks Bledsoe...except Bellicheck.

It is then that fucking Belicheck's LINEBACKERS and DEFENSIVE BACKS DOMINATE WARNER.

Dominate.

The Rams would go up 3-0, but then go down 7-3 on a Ty Law interception for a touchdown.

The Rams would trail the ENTIRE GAME.

Then their final drive in the final minutes turns out to be SWITCHBOARD PERFECTION.

They're in the endzone in less then twenty seconds.

Greatest show on turf.

And so here you're thinking damn...Brady's gonna choke now.

Not true, baby.

This guy executes a drive downfield that would have made my nutsack proud.

He gets them into field goal territory, two seconds left...and Vinateri makes the kick.

Boston is waking up from their naps, coming back in from their snow shoveling, returning from their hot dates to turn on the Superbowl and see how bad the Patriots are getting wiped...

They're out in the streets dancing in UTTER AND ABSOLUTE DISBELIEF.

Unlike Bellicheck and his offensive spies...hmmm-hmmm-hmmm-hmmmm...saucy...

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