Tips for the Unemployed

I have recently joined the unemployment club. There are many in the club and I was given my membership card in December. (Perks remain unclear.)

As a freelance journalist starting out, there’s not much cash in it, if any, so there’s a certain necessity to having another job to keep you going. However, just before Christmas – nice timing, right – I was told that my role in the company was no longer required, get your belongings, clear your desk, good luck and goodbye, etc.

It’s not the first time that I’ve been unemployed, unfortunately, but it is the first time that I’ve been unemployed with so many outgoings still to pay. The first time that I was out of work, I lived in a flat that cost half of what I’m paying now, I was outside of London and barely paid anything for travel. But this was not the case the second time around.

Just cut down on stuff, I thought, easy enough… So I made the following purchase changes:

Stop buying expensive shampoo and conditioner. Sure, it might stop your hair being all dry and ‘crispy’ like the £6 a bottle treatments that I previously purchased, but it will stop your wallet being as empty.

As above but with body wash. Just basically buy whatever is on sale, or own brand stuff especially if that’s what’s on sale. Who needs moisturising beads anyway? Not me and my blotchy skin, that’s for sure.

Stop buying things like nice meat. No more steak night Thursdays or anything mental like that. If you must have a taste of nice meat, Pot Noodles have a Beef and Tomato flavour.

Stop buying fruit because it’s actually more expensive than you ever realised. Grapes, £2.50?! I think not. If you can find a market stall, hit them up for some apples and avoid the supermarket at all extortionate costs.

You’re bored with nothing to do, so you want to spend your evenings face first in a bottle of wine. Don’t buy anything with a foreign name. If you must buy wine, buy it in a carton that’s labelled “White Wine”, no Sauvignon Blanc, ok. If wine’s not your bag, grab a bottle of Basics vodka and decant it into an old Smirnoff bottle. You’ll trick your mind.

Leading on from that, decanting everything into old bottles is a great idea to convince yourself and visitors that you’re not living on the breadline. I’ve transferred Basics washing up liquid into a Fairy bottle more times than I’ve ever actually washed up.