Build The Relationship You WANT

I was working with a couple recently who are in the midst of dissolving a long-term relationship. At one point in the conversation, one of them said, “I’m so sad and angry that, with all these years we had together, we just couldn’t get it together…work our stuff out.” There’s many reasons why that often is the case for couples, but I’ve come to see that if you find yourself in that boat, on any level, it’s probably because you’ve been waiting for something.

This handsome Dude you see on the left recently gave me a HUGE reminder of another cost of waiting…for love, for the “right time,” for when you feel “safe” enough, etc. Let me introduce you to Michael Anthony Childress.

Mike has been a friend, a member of one of the Men’s Groups I lead, an extremely accomplished ICU/Critical Care Nurse for over 15 years, an ex-husband, a former football player, a lover of fast cars, an irreverent smart-ass, and an extremely loving Soul who constantly was trying to figure out what this Love thing was all about…’cos it seemed to him that he just couldn’t “figure that s**t out” (to quote Mike directly).

Last Monday, on the 18th, after wondering why Mike hadn’t shown up to our men’s meeting on the 14th, and after having left him several messages, I found out that Mike had died of a sudden massive heart attack 2 days previous to our meeting, at the age of 45. This wonderfully loving man had been laying on his living room floor for several days before being found. I am quite sure it wasn’t in Mike’s plans that day – especially given how hard he worked out every day for years to create a body that was in incredible shape – to be getting ready to go to the gym, and literally drop dead.

In fact, what I imagine was more on Mike’s mind was what he’d do after the workout, what he’d be doing next to find a new nursing job, how he was going to make it back from one of the hardest years of his life. Mike was like a lot of us…in the face of things going badly where they were, his first tendency was to try to out-think the circumstances…to come up with better strategies…to try/work harder at making things work out.

Yet, after the last year of hell he’d been through, he’d had a revelation that I trust and hope allowed him to leave this life happier…he learned that trying to control his life and ignore what his heart was telling him and needing was a s**tty strategy. He learned that the one thing that had been so hard for him – letting people support him and love on him – was what made the biggest difference in turning his life back in the direction of high self-love and a comeback-in-the-making that inspired me and all of us who knew him. This made it all the harder to make sense of him suddenly dying when it all was finally starting to go in the direction he longed for.

So, why am Itaking up your precious time having you read about a guy that mattered to me, but you didn’t know from Adam? Because the best way I know to honor my friend is to have his seemingly meaningless death, at such a young age, have meaning beyond what he could’ve imagined. Here’s what I suggest that meaning and value can be for you, as it surely is for me.

You often hear platitudes about making the most of each day, because you never know when it’s going to be your last. You know it’s good advice, but the mind kicks in with its arrogant belief that you’ll be the one to cheat it somehow…or, at least, that you’ll live for decades more. You may be lamenting why you can’t get a relationship to work out…or, how come you can’t seem to feel too excited or inspired with the one you have…with you, your partner, your life.

You might be trying to figure that out…andodds are, you’rewaiting for something….for the perfect partner to show up that meets every single thing on your wish list for a lover. Maybe you’re waiting until you get that next promotion, that next pay jump that will give you the extra money you need to be able to finally start creating “The Dream.” Maybe you’re waiting until you get through the next deadline to take your partner and/or your kids on that road trip where you’ll just be able to have fun and connect. Maybe, you’re waiting until your ego-mind assures you you’re absolutly guaranteed enough of being safe that you’ll finally start letting people see – and love – who you REALLY are.

I’m not saying all this to discount the importance and value of getting things done, being in action to create the life you want, etc. What I AM saying this for is to encourage you to re-look at what it’s all for…is what you’re trying to create in your life being driven by the highest priority being survival or to serve love in myriad ways? I just read a survey that says a LOT of people expect to maybe enjoy 10% of their life, and are just passing time until the end, hoping it won’t suck as bad as they fear it could. I don’t know how real that number really is, but what I know from working with so many people over the last 17 years is that it may not be THAT far off….and that breaks my heart and, hopefully, would break yours.

In my opinion, the way to avoid becoming a part of that statistic is to make love your top priority…don’t wait for love to suddenly arrive or for the “perfect” or convenient time to give love to yourself and others…hell, what would your life be like if you found a way, by hook or by crook, to love on someone even when you feel like crap? We KNOW it makes you feel better! Don’t wait until you have time, or convenience, to call the person you just thought of that you haven’t talked with in a long time…if you thought of them out of the blue, it’s because your Spirit knows you need to connect with that person for reasons you don’t know…or, even need to know.

Stop waiting for love and make it…have sex with your partner to heal separation, instead of waiting to not feel separate to get in the mood. Call people. Write someone you love a quick note telling them three things you love about them (or better yet, call them and tell them). Stop what you’re doing and just tell your kids you love them and why. Do the same for yourself.

Don’t be a statistic…be the love that you were born to be and don’t wait. Mike reminded me of that, and I’m joining you in making that the top priority that can guide me – and must – in all that I create and open to.

Once upon a time, Buddha was quoted (or paraphrased) as saying, “Life is suffering.”

In contrast, many years ago, someone taught me that “Suffering is optional.” Somewhere in between that observation and what we long for as possibilities in our lives is a middle ground that beautifully holds the tension and exhilaration of how to reconnect with, and respond to, our innate desire to live Heaven on Earth, both externally and internally.

How is that possible? By each of us living as our highest and finest expression of who we truly, authentically are…unapologetically, yet grounded in the innate guidance that our individual Spirit offers us in every moment, if we’ll but listen.

One of the catches to this, though…living such a life of alignment with one’s Spirit has to be done no matter what our circumstances may be and (here’s the real clincher for a lot of folks) no matter what others may think or like.

We all know well the voices of the “Monkey Mind,” or ego, that tell us we can’t be this way, shouldn’t do that, don’t dare say “xyz” to someone, for fear of reaction and rejection.

We tend to forget that we’re born with a freedom and sense of unlimited possibility…no limitations residing within us. Yet, within our families and within our school experiences, that sense of “no limitations” gets squashed, distorted, adapted, and compromised to the point that we often lose track of where the “real” us – our essence – begins and the “socially acceptable” us ends. In maintaining the latter, we get tired, confused, frustrated, self-doubting, self-judgmental, short-tempered, shut down, and disconnected.

This effort ultimately wears us out, and the negative energies that can get so rampant leak out on our children (if we have any), on our colleagues, our spouses/partners, and back onto ourselves. This cycle is one I’ve seen with so many people. It’s a cycle I’ve lived and still live if I’m not paying attention, staying connected to my highest self and truth….and, if I’m not living and practicing love as much as humanly possible.

It may be considered a cliche (though I believe cliches become cliches because there’s a lot of proven truth to them) that – as the Beatles said – “Love is all you need.” My contention is that Heaven on Earth is achievable at ANY moment, simply by returning to our connection to love…not just self-love (as critical as that is), but love, period.

Not loving yourself and feeling lower than in the dumps? Love someone or something else. In that moment, perhaps you’ll notice you’re living Heaven on Earth.

I invite you to try that practice today, and then email me (at the email address above) to share your experience when you do that one simple thing. Or, if you believe it just couldn’t be that simple…let me know that, too.

I’ve spent the last 13 years of my life helping people heal their Inner Children, thus allowing them to live the adult life they’re really meant to live in a way that brings as much joy, passion, and inspired living as possible. In the course of doing this for so many years, I’ve heard stories about mothers and fathers that, after first making your hair curl, would give you serious pause about whether or not you’d ever want to be a parent.

Yet, with even the worst of stories I’ve heard, I’ve always held to the certainty that very few parents ever woke up each day wondering how they were going to be able to torment and scar their children for life on that particular day. Nevertheless, when your Mom and/or Dad aren’t giving yo what you need, or being the kind of parent you’d hope for, it’s easy – particularly when you’re a kid or teen-ager – to throw the parent out with the bathwater.

Mother’s Day is always a day where I do my best to re-look at all the value that my parents had, even in the midst of the many things I can see now, at 52 and as a parent myself, were major blow-it’s.

On this Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking about how one of the most critical roles that mothers play in their children’s lives is to be the wise sage that recognizes, even at a very young age, the true character and potential in their children…and makes damn sure that their kids get that reflected back to them in such a relentless way that there can be little to no doubt in the child’s mind of who they are and what they’re capable of.

In thinking today of my mother, Victoria Laughton Carder, with whom I had a very challenging relationship, I got deeply in touch with how well and how often – in spite of whatever other shortcomings or mistakes that were hard for me to be with – she attempted to show me the potential and true quality of person that I was as a boy and now.

Of course, it was very confusing and wounding to have the paradox of praise and reflection often contradicted by shaming and judgment that could be part of her stock and trade. But, over the 50 years I got to spend with my Mom, I can see now how much she really saw my uniqueness and tried to reinforce it more often than not.

In the midst of so much pain and difficulty I went through growing up, there were moments of loving connection with her, especially at times when she would praise me or hold me to a higher-than-mediocre standard, that were simply sublime. It is in remembering those moments that I not only get humbled by the sheer, stark magnitude of how much of a no-win job it is to be a Mom (or a parent, for that matter), in so many ways, but it’s still one of the most important games in town that deserves the recognition and gratitude that Mother’s Day attempts to encourage.

I’d even be bold enough to say (and am) that even the worst of mothers nevertheless gave a gift without which we could neither triumph or be able to complain about how short of the mark we may feel they fell in being the mother of our dreams.

I found two pictures of my Mom today that I had never seen before. I’d already been feeling the low-aching sadness of her no longer being here to be able to call today, and ran across the two pictures you see on this posting, and was so moved to see that what I’ve taught to so many others was, indeed, true for me too…that, for all her shortcomings, I could not continue to really hold on to my hurt ego’s long-held assumption that maybe she didn’t really love me. I know there are mothers out there who feel nothing for their children, but I contend they are the exception rather than the rule.

I invite you to look at the picture of my mother and I and see if you remember moments like that, at any age they may have occurred (including in your adult life), and if you can…give thanks for how those moments – even if rarely remembered – served to help you know what you need to remember today to continue living your greatest potential: you were (and are) loved, and perhaps your Mom, with all her imperfections, deserves the same…including, but not excusing, any of the faults or mis-behaviors.

In that Spirit, I honor and deeply love my late Mother Vicki…for all the times she drove me crazy, I’d take just about all of them if I could hold her in my arms, look her in the eye, and simply tell her how much I love her and appreciate all the good stuff. If your Mother’s still here, consider not losing the opportunity if you haven’t yet taken it today or many other days.

Today, I am happy to host Vrinda Pendred, Founding Director/Editor of Conditional Publications, a new independent publisher dedicated solely to publishing the works of authors with neurological conditions.

Their first book ‘Check Mates’ comes out on May 11,2010.

Yesterday Vrinda stopped by Lynn Serafinn blogs and if you missed it you can go here – http://lynnserafinn.com ; http://spiritauthors.com.

Today, however, I am blessed to have Vrinda making a stop at my blog to chat about and promote the launch of this ground-breaking new book.

This is the seventh stop on Vrinda’s 14-day Virtual Blog Tour to promote “Check Mates.” What makes this book groundbreaking is that ‘Check Mates’ is a collection of short fiction and poetry either about, or inspired by, the struggle with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, all written by people with OCD.

It is arranged into two categories, Realism and Beyond. Whether solidly real, allegorical, or completely fictionalised, all the compelling work contained in this collection portrays the true story of this greatly misunderstood condition. It is also the first ever book of fiction written entirely by OCD authors.

I hope you will feel inspired by the interview you are about to read. If you do, be sure to sign up for the book launch reminder so you can buy ‘Check Mates’ and receive over 30 free personal development gifts on May 11,2010. To register, go to: http://conditionalpublications.com/pages/check-mates-launch.html (if you are reading this article after that date, you may buy the book directly from that page).

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In interviewing Vrinda, my primary question – which is based on my experiences with neurological disorders in my own family – was, “How have you used your OCD as a pathway not only for your creative expression and service, but as any type of Spiritual Emergence?” Here is what Vrinda told me:

“To answer the first part, I have ready so many studies demonstrating that neurological disorders such as OCD usually come with heightened creative and / or intellectual abilities. So, for me, it’s been a case of tapping into that natural artistic talent and trying to live through that.

It then becomes a situation where I’m making something positive from what can otherwise be quite debilitating. I know so many others – including all those who contributed to ‘Check Mates’ – who have taken this attitude and felt it has been healing and cathartic.

Spiritually, what I would say, is that OCD forces you to contemplate and analyse subjects other people might not think about so much, such as metaphysics and religion. My single worst obsession happens to be a preoccupation with death and ruminations over what sort of afterlife there might be. It has, at times, crippled me emotionally. But then again, it has also sent me on a path of inner searching.

Equally, the kinds of obsessive insecurities people with OCD often have can result in a strong sense of self-awareness due to the constant analysis of one’s own actions and thoughts. Some people might then fall into a trap of self-hate. But others might use this knowledge as a way of working on their weaknesses and playing on their strengths. I think it all depends on what you do with this self-awareness. OCD may try to attack us, but we hold the power to stand up to it and channel our own inner beauty.”

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Be sure to follow Vrinda to her next Virtual Blog Tour stop on Monday May 3rd, hosted by Miriam Scholzberg – http://liberatethetorturedsoul.blogspot.com

AND… don’t forget to sign up for the book launch reminder so you can buy ‘Check Mates’ and over 30 free personal development gifts on May 11,2010.

Just go to http://conditionalpublications.com/pages/check-mates-launch.html.

Doing so not only supports Vrinda’s pioneering effort in establishing Conditional Publications as part of her own expression of her passions, but also the incredible gift she’s providing for authors and poets who may have thought their neurological condition doomed them in some way to a marginalized life.

Please pass the word on about this book, and this inspiring publisher and author.

I wanted to share a dance with you all…a dance of life and living (Be sure to click on the link at the end of this post to watch a very inspiring video).

On this Sunday, as I post this, I’m connected to my gratitude for the many blessings that have woven their way into my life, even in the midst of some of the most challenging times I’ve ever endured. I imagine this to be true for all of us. Let this short video re-connect you with the inner dance that your Spirit is always doing with this trippy reality we call life.

Let this video remind you of the joy that people create even in the midst of living in a terrorized and impoverished country…and inspire you to do this in your own way with consciousness, choice, and joy.

Well being means different things to different people. One thing I know, though, is we don’t “have” it unless we’re intending for it, focusing on it, putting attention on it, and really committing to it (kinda sounds like most things in life, doesn’t it?). For those of us who are in any Spiritually oriented, it also doesn’t hurt to throw in a prayer, chant, or mantra to bring in some Divine help. I want to share what I hold as a prayer, though the Buddhists that developed what I’m about to share may differ with me in calling it that.

Regardless, I offer it into the blogosphere as something you can say to yourself every day to prime the pump for having a day that can be full of well-being. It also might not be a bad idea to say it for all others, as well, given we’re all in the same boat of wanting, desiring, and deserving well-being. It’s called “Reflection On Well-Being:”

Last Sunday, I was sitting at my church, which is a metaphysical, New Thought church.
It came time to pass the collection bag around, and for some reason, I had a thought about how many people I've come across that have argued with
me that Spiritual work should not cost anything…that to charge for
helping people with Spiritually oriented issues seemed Un-Spiritual and inconsistent with Spiritual principles. I've heard people question why a church needs to have donations/offerings. I have also heard this argument in regards to why certain workshops, classes, or coaching that is oriented to helping people transform their lives are charging, either at all or "way too much." Well, as dangerous a proposition as it can be for me to think, this got me to thinkin'.

On October 2 (two days before the church service I'm referring to), noted Social Media expert Chris Brogan posted a blog called The Audacity Of Free that I really enjoyed a lot. It spoke of the problem that some in our society have in understanding why services with intangible value should cost anything. While we understand that we have to pay for food, plumbers, and colonoscopies, it gets a bit dicey when we're being asked to pay for workshops, seminars, or donations to churches, for example. [A disclaimer here: I lead workshops and provide coaching for which the "value" is not fully predictable (until the end of the workshops or sessions), so I have an affinity for this subject.] I wrestle with it all the time. Now, to complicate matters further, my "value" that I provide is not only largely intangible, but I traffic in work and coaching that is unabashedly spiritually oriented; that is, I do all I do to basically assist people in being able to develop a deeper connection to their Spirit and to whatever Divine Presence they may believe in and long to be more connected to. When you start bringing Spirituality into the picture, things can get pretty interesting pretty quickly with this "Shouldn't Spirit stuff be free, or at least cheap?" kind of thinking.

Well, as I was listening to the Minister give his talk about the critical role that imagination plays in Spiritual development and deepening, mine started running a bit amok. My mental wanderings went from this topic of "Why do people expect something for nothing in the personal development realm?" to how often people unconsciously apply this same line of thinking and sense of entitlement towards Spirit Itself.

How many of you reading this have had thoughts along the lines of "Well, Spirit sure hasn't answered my prayers yet; I asked for a new Weber, and so far all I've gotten is more problems and dissatisfaction," or "Jeez, I've been studying and practicing Spirituality for years, and yet I've still not gotten the answers I'm looking for…nor have I had direct audiences with Spirit in between fast-forwarding through the commercials on the ole Tivo?" I imagine there are many who have wondered why a Spiritual life or Spiritual Path devotedly pursued has not yet yielded a sense of enlightenment, peace, greater riches of money and contentment, and a noticeable reduction in bad stuff happening. I know that I've wondered that many times in my Spiritual Path youth and even last week.

Well, here's a take on what's up with all this, and why any of us could trend towards wanting our healing, our Enlightenment, and our Spiritual Path to eventually get us to Nirvana and states of more frequent bliss, and RIGHT NOW, thank you very much: because we've become complacent, culturally narcissistic, and spiritually lazy. My friend David has often said, in effect, "Westerners don't have any idea what real Spiritual Practice or discipline really is, particularly compared with Eastern-oriented metaphysicists and Spiritual pilgrims." I remember bristling at that when I first heard it, not realizing I was unconsciously getting into an internally voiced "My Path is Bigger & Better Than Your Path" brouhaha. Yet, I submit to you all reading this that it might be a good idea to really take a look at what it is that you're expecting from Spirit and a "Spiritual Path." If you haven't in awhile, really take a gander at why you're even ON a Spiritual Path, if you consider yourself to be on one (a clue that you are: thoughts like "I'm more Spiritual than he/she/them," or "I'm not being Spiritual enough").

Where are you trying to get to? Do you have thoughts or expectations that reaching a certain stage of "enlightenment" or consciousness will bring you more happiness, ease, and better-ness? Do you find yourself taking issue with tithing your Spiritual church/Source, or paying for "Spiritual Work?" If you are, or find yourself going there more often than you'd have imagined you would, then I invite you to consider that your Spirit – and the Divine – don't look at things as a price-tagged commodity and value-added destination. In all Spiritual Traditions that I'm aware of, there is sacrifice and surrender involved in getting closer to Spirit, along with practice, discipline, devotion, faith, and a healthy dose of egoic humility. Notice where you resist that, check in with your heart, and see if you're really trying to get "somewhere" as proof of being "Spiritual" enough…or, if you're truly willing to do the work that you may need/want to do to simply surrender into a reality that I believe in…that being "Spiritual" is a state, not a dot on a map.