The Best Advice I Ever Received

I have a personal mission but I didn’t fully understand what it was, what it meant, and where it came from until I got some advice from my dear friend, Jim Adcox. Over twenty years ago, Jim suggested that I do something he’d done with his own parents—ask my mom and dad to write about their lives when they were young.

I asked them, and to my surprise, both responded with enthusiasm.

My dad hand-wrote over fifty single-spaced pages of tightly cramped script. He began with a joke, “I was born at a very young age . . . ” but after that, it was difficult to read— not because of his handwriting, but because of the painful experiences he wrote about.

My dad grew up under challenging family circumstances, and he also contracted a disease as a child which caused him to temporarily stop growing while he was between six and eighteen months of age. This led to other health problems that would plague him his entire life.

My Dad’s First Page.

For many reasons, while I was growing up, my father and I had a troubled relationship. But reading about his early years, I learned things about my father I never knew, and we were able to talk to each other with an openness we’d never experienced before.

My dad died suddenly from a massive heart attack less than a year after he wrote those pages. It gave us some precious time to connect that I didn’t realize would be so limited.

My mother, who turns eighty-one this year, also wrote expansively about her younger years, using an old, trusty typewriter. Her childhood was even harder than my dad’s. And though I was aware of many of the events she wrote about, I’d never seen them through the eyes of a scared little girl.

She was one of thirteen children of impoverished immigrant parents. When she was six years old, she fell down in the street and a utility company truck ran over her leg, cutting the length of the leg open and crushing her foot. An ambulance was called, but it didn’t come because of the “bad” neighborhood they lived in. A neighbor took her to a hospital, but they refused to admit her, and she almost died before he got her into a different hospital.

At that hospital, a thoughtful nurse gave my mom a Shirley Temple doll. It was the only toy anyone ever gave her as a little girl. She fell asleep holding the doll in her arms, but the next morning it was gone. Someone had stolen it.

When my mom was eight years old, her mother died, and my mom was placed in an orphanage. Children there shunned her because her foot was permanently discolored and disfigured, and they didn’t want to “catch” anything from her.

My Mom’s First Page.

The pages my mom and dad wrote are filled with heartbreaking events, unfairness, and injustice, but they aren’t filled with self-pity, and my parents didn’t blame others. Their stories are jarringly straightforward. These things happened. This was their childhood.

As I reflected on what my parents endured in their younger years, I saw that these were two people who had paid their dues—much more than their share—early in life. They deserved a great marriage and great working lives, but they didn’t get either of those. Their marriage was troubled, and they both endured hard working-class jobs with a long line of bad bosses.

When I was young, observing the turmoil in our family, I used to tell myself, “I don’t want to live like this.” But later in life I finally asked, “Why are they living like this? Why all the strain, anger, and unhappiness?”

The answer would have been obvious to most people, but I’d been too self-focused to see it. Some of their struggles were rooted in their difficult early lives. But there was another reason they endured it all: So my sister and I could have better lives.

My Mom and Dad.

My sister and I are both adopted, and as I grew older I eventually appreciated the significance of their choice to raise us. (They had to work hard to get us—my father was so cantankerous that the first two adoption agencies rejected him, but my mother finally got him to behave well enough to get through the evaluation process. She and I laugh about that now.) Being adopted continues to grow in significance to me as I move through the stages of life and appreciate how lucky I was to have the opportunities I was given by two people who had to fight for all of theirs.

Reading their words, and then speaking to my parents in new ways with more heartfelt curiosity, openness, and empathy, I learned things about them that changed my relationship with them and changed my life. It helped me see significant flaws in my thinking and priorities. It also deepened my passion for the work I do, and my understanding about what’s at stake for people in having rich relationships and doing meaningful work. I came to see in ways I didn’t before how my mission really starts with them, and in a way, even began before I was born.

In its simplest form, my mission is to help good people win at work and life. By “win,” I mean that everyone deserves to do meaningful work, to be proud of what they do, to thrive, and to have satisfying relationships and experiences.

I saw firsthand the cost of trading work life for “real” life—of enduring work as a necessary evil—and the terrible toll it took on my parents’ lives. It’s my desire to pay forward a debt I can’t ever pay back by helping other people discover the opportunities in life that I was given, but my mother and father were denied.

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Do you have a personal mission? Any other thoughts or insights? Add a comment below!

Professor Ullmen, Wow! All I can say is my respect for who you are and what you do continues to grow. I lost my dad when I was 13 and till today look for ways that I could know the life that he lived before he left as I didn’t have much chance to learn from him about that life. Last year, we found a note that he had written in 1988, 5 years before he passed away where he gave some life advice to our mom and all his children. That simple note made a huge difference in my life so I can imagine how your parents notes could’ve changed your life. I am still working on turning the inspiration of my parents into difference that I can make in life. I am also glad that God has put you into my life as someone I can learn and grow from in my journey to finding my purpose and exercising it. I hope and pray that you find love, light and hope in every turn and corner of life. Love, Shafeen Allahbachayo. 2009 FEMBA

Hi Shafeen, what a wonderful message! Thank you so much for letting me know about your father’s note. That’s amazing. I’m picturing him writing it and knowing that one day you all would find it, and how happy it must have made him to realize how meaningful it would be to you forever. I’m so happy to be connected with you. Much love, your friend, John

I cried all throughout this post remembering how unfair I have been to my mom.
I lost my dad when I was seven months old. My mom had to endure a very bad time for more than 25 years in the extended family, because she was an orphan and had no moral and financial support. My sister and I received good education, though we had quite low self esteem due to our troubled lives.

Over 5 years of my career ( I am 27), I haven’t used my God given gifts well enough, because I am still struggling to find that one spark which I will live and die for. I am trying to know. Currently, I am kind of living a happy minimalist life ( on emotional and financial fronts). I am content, grateful, doing a good job and recognized as one of the top/responsible performers at the firm I currently work for. But at this juncture, I want to live to the fullest by living for others. My mom has no complaints with me but I have always known she wants to see a more successful me. And I feel she deserves to feel proud about her children.

Now, I know it is for a reason I found your courses on Linda.com, just 3 days ago.. And I have completed two courses already ( Executive Presence & Influencing Others) and I am currently learning Communication Fundamentals from you!… It’s a marathon! And I can say that, I am changed! I am not going to pity my past.. I have tried to maintain poise in my personal and professional relationships within 2 days.. I am getting better. Am sure, I will be a better daughter to my mom. And, I am going to visit your courses again, in few months time.

Professor, I wish all the happiness and a grace filled life to you and your loved ones. May Almighty God bless you.

Again, thank you for your time.

Much love,
Carol
India

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About Dr. Ullmen

Social scientist, bestselling author, longtime faculty member at UCLA Anderson School of Management, and internationally acclaimed executive coach - John Ullmen, Ph.D. advises individuals, teams and organizations on how to change behavior and exercise positive influence for stronger performance, skill development and motivation.