Monday, December 25, 2017

Santa Claus — the right jolly old elf who delivers toys to good little girls and boys all over the world on Christmas Eve — has been hospitalized in critical condition at Northridge Hospital Medical Center, suffering from third degree burns to 90% of his trademark red suit after being struck mid-air by an explosive projectile over Canoga Park last night.

Jingle bells gave way to wailing sirens as jolly Saint Nick nearly perished in a fiery crash
in Canoga Park last night, landing in an alley just south of Valerio Street. Image: Google.

All of his eight tiny reindeer suffered injuries as well, ranging from singed hooves and broken antlers to massive internal injuries, according to a spokesperson with LA Animal Services. Two of them, Dasher and Comet, had to be euthanized on the spot.

“I got a frantic call from [Santa] on the two-way radio,” says Santa’s Workshop head elf Jingle. “He was sure his GPS wasn’t working properly. We told him our tracking showed him over Canoga Park. He said that’s what his screen read but that it looked like some sort of war zone. He was certain he was somewhere in the Middle East, rather than what he said he remembered as a quiet San Fernando Valley community.

Capt. Reed Malloy, Community Outreach Support Officer of the LAPD’s West Valley Bureau of Inexplicable Holiday Traditions notes that just around midnight, there was a marked increase in the usual amount of illegal fireworks being set off in Canoga Park.

“Well, not a marked increase from what we usually experience on Christmas Eve, but a marked increase from, say, two days ago,” explains Malloy.

Jangle, a North Pole livestock wrangler, notes that while Santa’s flying reindeer are more rapid than eagles, “they do tend to spook easily, especially with exploding projectiles being shot into the air around them on this, the most holy of nights.”

While it may be weeks before the FAA analyzes data from the sleigh's black box and releases a final report about the incident, an unnamed source close to the investigation is certain that one or more fireworks struck Santa's sleigh, while others exploding in the air nearby would have frightened and disoriented his team of reindeer, sending the aircraft crashing to the ground.
“We’re hopeful Santa will eventually make a full recovery,” says Capt. Malloy, “and we’re just grateful that he makes his annual flight on Christmas Eve and not New Year’s Eve — when many Canoga Park residents fire live ammunition into the air.”