Thursday, December 6, 2012

All For One Week: Ring of the Musketeers

All for one and one for this obscure little film! Today's film is Ring of the Musketeers, a film with a somewhat convoluted origin. You see, this adaptation of a famous French novel started out as a German TV Mini-Series. No, really. In hindsight, it does explain why one of the Musketeers is played by Thomas Gottschalk. It also adds fuel to the fire of that old chestnut 'Germans love David Hasselhoff.' The story is...interesting, as it really feels like a Mini-Series when you really look at it. If you're like me and only found this fact out *after* you watched the movie, it seems a bit odd. It's a Modern-Day tale that has the Musketeers stopping urban terrorists in Los Angeles. Yes, this German-Adaptation of a French story is set in America. I'll give you a minute to put your jaws back in place. Now that you're back with me, I want to mention a bit more about the cast. It features 'The Hoff,' Corbin Bernsen and Cheech Marin. Yeah, that Cheech Marin. To find out how silly this thing is, read on...

In 1988, a new group of Musketeers- including Hoff, this lady and this German guy- are led by John Rhys-Davies to right the wrongs of the day.

In this case, it's rescuing a young boy who was kidnapped as part of a plan to make a guy crash a plane. Ah, Pre-9/11 films, you're so refreshing!

When our heroes find out where the kid is, they come up with an elaborate rescue plan that involves...having Hasselhoff play a song in front of the building, which will draw a crowd and, subsequently, the Cops.

Yeah, there was clearly NO other way to do that.

The group is surprised when the fourth ring (D'Artagnan's...I guess) ends up in the hands of a robber (Marin). Rather than just give it back to the owner/presumed Musketeer, they just go 'Okay, it's destiny that you're a Musketeer.'

Holy random chance, Batman! Hasselhoff (future star of Baywatch) shares a scene with Timothy Stack (future star of Son of the Beach).

The original star meeting the parody's star- what are the odds of that?!?

Around the halfway mark, our heroes get closer to the villain- who they've already foiled once- by way of Bernsen aka the female Musketeer's ex-husband. If you don't call him being the villain, then you need to retake Film Cliches 101.

Sure enough, he is. After inadvertently helping him, they chase him and he tries to commit a murder-suicide with the ex-wife, but only ends up with a suicide. Tough break, Dentist.

After stopping the villain's scheme, our heroes do nothing as the man's mobster father plans to kill him. Hurray for indirect murder!

Our heroes win the day and officially induct Marin as the Fourth Musketeer. This face says it all 'I'm funny, right?' The End.

Well, some things can stay obscure and I won't make a big fuss about it. In all fairness, this is pure, silly entertainment. The film does not try to create much drama, which works in its favor. That said- it is stupid as hell. On the plus side, it's technically a Foreign film, so it helps me pass the blame. In the grand scheme of things, the Germans have done far worse than this movie. Obviously, I'm talking about Rammbock. Seriously, this is pure fluff- goofy Acting, goofy Writing and just all around goofy. You'll see pointless flipping, people falling over and random drama showing up. The film is not serious, so scenes of the characters bemoaning how they couldn't save a witness. When you're dressed in a shiny, leopard print top, you are not allowed to be serious! For pure, silly entertainment, you can't do wrong with this movie. In every other way, it fails miserably. It does, however, give us a great snapshot of '90s fashion though...

Next up, I wrap up the week with a film that everyone I know hates. Will more wires make a better Musketeer film? Stay tuned...