SportsCrack Blog

Thursday, September 13, 2007

MY FIRST PREDICTION AGAINST THE SPREADOkay, I've gotten two weeks of watching the lovely boob tube filled with college football delight and I am ready to lay down my first bet. First off, I have to warn you that a lot of my viewing, wait, all of my viewing has been with my lovely roommate of choice named NewCastle. She is brown and I love her oh so much. Also I must warn you I'm originally from Maryland and both of my parents attended Garyland as I call it. So I could be a little bias but who gives a fuck, it's only money right? It's not like it buys happiness, that is what hookers are for. Just ask the Republican party.

Anyways, the current line is -17 in favor of the West Virginia Mountaineers. The game is in College Park and yes I know Maryland has beaten two vagina's in Villanova and Florida International (isn't that the airport where drugs get smuggled in?)but I got this feeling Maryland can hang with their border rivals.

We all know that West Virginia absolutely destroyed Maryland in the first quarter last year in Morgantown thanks to the beast I call Patty Slaton. They ran all over the Terps, gouging them inside their turtle shells with incestuous hands. This year will be different. Maryland will hang with them because QB Jordan Steffy won't turn the ball over in the first half. We all know that Big East defenses are about as defenseless as Jim Tressel's brown eye (yes, I just went there Bucknuts)so there should be a lot of points put on the board. Jabba the Friedgen will draw up a game plan that will utilize RB Keon Lattimore, the younger brother of murderer extraordinaire turned bible-beater Ray Lewis.

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

AN ALL-TIME CLASSIC FROM ORSONOrson Swindle has outdone himself again. His latest, Parallel Universe,dives full force into the depths of hell all College Football fans go through after a tough loss on a late Saturday night. God have mercy on us all and please thank Orson for the endless days of shits and giggles.

(A Michigan t-shirt sits on the floor. A pack of condoms sits on the nightstand. It has been opened.)

Oh, god. Oh, please, Lord. Not again. Not again. I thought this was the bottom. I know it’s been a bad two weeks. I know I’m bad and need help, serious, serious help. If you’re there, say I don’t have to look. Please say this didn’t happen.

(A groan comes from a bulky body on the bed next to him. The sheets stink of sin and the faint whiff of Bechamel sauce.)

I’m gonna look. One quick turn to the right and all. And you want to know the truth, right? It’s better to know the truth, right? Because you’ll feel better. Because you’ll feel better. And it can’t get worse than Appalachian State. It just…can’t.