To Be Or Not To Be: Trying To Fall Pregnant

When I was younger. I would tell people I wanted to have six children. SIX! I even had names picked out with two middle names (thank you very much!).

It was a great time in my life. In my imagination I could be in a fairy tale and have six children with funky names (though I am thankful that I named my fish those names now!), no sleepless nights, no budget to manage, and no weight of responsibility on me.

Who wouldn't want six children if it could just be about the fun, easy and enjoyable parts?

When you are younger, it is about the fairy-tale. There is no mention of things such as hormone supplements, infertility, high-risk pregnancy, miscarriage, ivf or surrogacy.

If those words are part of your personal story, then I wish I could reach through the screen and squeeze your hand. You are not alone.

In the fairy-tale, there is no mention of the discouragement you feel from throwing pregnancy test after test in the bin. There is no talk of the sharp pierce your heart feels when you hear other people's pregnancy news. No whispers of the struggle and stress it can place between you and your husband.

All of these are not part of the fairy-tale of having six children. Or any children at all.

They are the reality of having no children. The reality of feeling like you are forever trying to fall pregnant. They are the reality of simply not knowing if you ever will have children. It is the reality of forcing a small smile on your face when an innocent family member or friend asks when you will have children. It is the reality of the unknown.

This was my reality for three years.

Boy, did it hurt. I cried tears after tears. I hoped again and again. I tried to let go of the idea of having babies, only to find the desire knocking at the door of my heart again a few days later. I scoured the internet for the magical answer to our question.

There was no answer on the internet.

We live in a time where we can control so much so we naturally conclude we must be able to control if and when we will have children. Believing that is the fairy tale though.

The reality is, having children is a miracle and miracles cannot be controlled.

We may not always have the answers as to when or if it will happen.

But I do know that miracles happen everyday.

If you would like to read more about our road of fertility and how we endured it, you can read: Praying For A Baby