Nick Clegg attempts escape from coalition by sawing off own arm.

Deputy Prime minster, Nick Clegg, has been discovered by Special Branch officers stumbling down the Mall and bleeding profusely from what medics are calling an ‘amateurish attempt to sever his left arm just below the elbow.’

Although reports are sketchy, it is felt that Clegg had become increasingly frustrated and scared that his screams for rescue from the coalition were going unheeded by his colleagues and the media. A Downing Street insider says that, ‘over the last few days Nick had become seriously dehydrated and was beginning to hallucinate and believe that a filing cabinet was Cyril Smith, a hat-stand was Jeremy Thorpe, and a tiger skin rug was Paddy Ashdown. I think things came to a head when David Cameron said that he saw him drinking his own piss during a reception for small business leaders.’

Police were able to retrieve the severed limb, however, it has now been revealed that some first year Medical students have taken it home and are keeping it in their fridge. Some commentators believed this was a protest about tuition fees but when reporters contacted the students they said – ‘we have no idea what you are talking about. Fees protest? Don’t be stupid, we do this every year when we start anatomy. Right now, we have more body parts in the kitchen that a Bristol landlord!’

The Prime minster’s office declined to comment but wished Clegg a speedy recovery and hoped that will be back in parliament on Wednesday to vote in the debate about lowering disability benefit.