"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."

"You know you're old when your walker has an airbag."

"I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody."

"They say housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"

"I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband."

"My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench."

Actor Dylan McDermott shares this line via Twitter: "One time she came over with a 70-year-old guy. Told me she was 'robbing the cradle.'"

"You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes and you're barefoot."

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