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Actress Joanna Lumley Tells Young Girls "Don't Get Drunk"

January 24, 2013
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Being old and wealthy is wonderful because you get to spend a lot of your time telling young people on a regular basis how awful they are. The only downside is that the rest of your time is unfortunately taken up with fighting an unending battle against your body's rapidly degrading sphincter muscles. Although again, if young people in Tesco weren't so scared of the sight of a rectal prolapse that wouldn't even be an issue.

Not that we're suggesting for a minute that Joanna Lumley has any issues with a loose rectum, of course. No, all we're doing is reporting the advice she recently gave to The Telegraph about how young women in the UK today should conduct themselves. Guess what? It's not how they have been doing:

“Don’t look like trash, don’t get drunk, don’t be sick down your front, don’t break your heels and stagger about in the wrong clothes at midnight. This is bad. It’s not me being a snob about it. It's not me being an old woman talking to young women, its just standard practice for how our species should behave. Don’t behave badly.

“I promise you it is better to look after yourself properly, which means behave properly, be polite, be on time, dress properly – I don’t mean dully – but don’t be sick in the gutter at midnight in a silly dress with no money to get a taxi home, because somebody will take advantage of you, either they’ll rape you, or they’ll knock you on the head or they’ll rob you.”

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True. All true. Although if you're reading this with a set of (real) testicles between your legs, and are worried that maybe your behaviour is bad as well, don't worry. As a man you can keep doing whatever the hell you want without any kind of moral recrimination. Excelsior!