Satire

A recent Cooking Mama tournament in Portland, Oregon was mired in controversy after a series of posts on reddit exposed the rampant sexism that happened towards male competitors at the event.
Kyle Phillips, who flew from In...

The launch of Madden 16 is still months away and while many of the new game mechanics and features are being kept a secret, the developers today did reveal one addition to the storied franchise that will tell gamers which NFL...

On July 15, gamers in the U.S. and Europe will get their hands on the highly anticipated first-person shooter The Kill Squad. The title, developed by Gunner Games, will also see a release in Japan but players there will have ...

Mad Catz unveiled its latest gaming peripheral today, the revolutionary C.A.T. PRO X.
The hot new accessory is a small, domestic mammal that can be used to cradle a mobile phone, PlayStation Vita, or other similar device...

[Just in time for Valentine's Day. -Mr Andy Dixon]
Fans of Ecco the Dolphin, Mega Man Legends, Duck Hunt and Advent Rising should head to Kickstarter right away to throw their support behind a new campaign for a game that is a spiritual successor to those titles and any other game you one time said you’d want a sequel to in a chatroom or comment thread.

Newsbrief: Nintendo has unveiled a new plan to curb soaring amiibo prices on the secondary market, inking an exclusive new partnership with eBay seller xXxNoScopeXxX. The move is designed to cut out predatory middle...

Here's the full triple-scoop disclosure bottom line. Alessandro and I went to cover this preview event for The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt last week. I was late to be added to the list, so we knew going in that we'd have to sh...

[A wild Holmes appears! --Mr Andy Dixon]
After rising up the ranks at Destructoid and becoming Editor-in-Chief, Jonathan Holmes sets his eyes on China. The country is growing in both economy and power, but what Mr. Holmes' real goal is is currently unconfirmed. His recent appearance on the Chinese news channel CCTV 13 opens up room for speculation.

[Dtoid community blogger Its About To Get Gay In Here is quickly becoming our resident satirist blogger. Here is a lovely example of them bringing both the funk and the noise. Want to see your own stuff appear on the front pa...

Objective videogame journalism time! Anita Sarkeesian was on The Colbert Report last night. Here are some videos of that. The one above shows Sarkeesian's interview with Colbert. The one below is Colbert's introduction segme...

Upon booting up Steam this morning, Internet denizen Tiffany Park discovered a notification on the program indicating a number of new items were located in her Steam inventory.
"I got really excited," Park told Dest...

An Xbox live user contacted Destructoid this week with a complaint of being excessively teabagged upon completion of an online multiplayer match in a popular action game.
"I'm not sure why he was doing it," said victim Jeff M...

Sep 18 //
Niero GonzalezGPS 2014 is so much fun!
I got to fly inside Tokyo City, which is a third country world that videogames were ejected from. The best thing about going to another country's videogame show is to see the latest innovations in thongs and drink badly spelled things from their vending machines. Wacky!
Pictured: Koei Booth Actress. What a crazy leather outfit, can she breathe in that?
Unlike in Our Great Civilization of West, this show is predominantly staffed by women (take notes, we could learn something!) who are forced to memorize like five pages of game information. They spend months learning our language, too! Since I've worked in videogames so long and still own my Atari 2600 (it's in my living room!) I always quiz them on the spot to make sure they're not just models. Modeling is really ruining videogames and every time I teach people that on Twitter they follow me around.
Pictured: This girl knew her stuff! She's not holding videogames back 100 years
I hate to make Stereotypefaces, but in my experience Japanese women do look impressed when I walk right up and say "Moshi Moshi"! Trying to learn a little Japanese is just good manners. Another easy one is "chotto" which means "cut me open." Just don't ask for their phone numbers unless you know your Itchy Nissans.
Like the old and best E3s of yesteryear, Tokyo Gamescom gets in trouble every year for inspiring pubic negligence, but who am I to judge? I don't go to that Europino to tell people about the advances in Western dental care. Like my dad always says, "When in Rome, eat the pizza or you're wrong."
Pictured: Smoking Squenix Sisters! What sort of emotional scarring do those eyes tell?
I could not believe my eyes how not Western this show was! People you live next to would be like, "Well well, nobody at my bank wears that," and that's called Lost in Transgender, which is a great movie that white people like to see before trying to make friends with Koreans. Put your pumpkin spice latte down and get a load of this beauty:
Pictured: Some mobile company. Do you think she cries when she sees hamburgers?
My friend Dale said she couldn't find a single Nigerian man dressed as Persona 4, but we did meet hundreds of beautiful Orients and took photos of them in their natural habitats.
Professional blogger tip: I always asked if I could take their photo, because they sort of threw my black friend into jail for not getting a video waiver. Watch out for that karate chop!
That's all for day one of Tonka Games Show 2014. For pointy elbows see this gallery!
Note: Some photos may have been slightly Photosharpened for Western Twitter decency standards.

Super sexy! Click every picture thrice and Myspace itThe moment all you college dudes have been waiting for is here! So make sure your boss isn't looking and get ready to steamboat the weasel, because I need the pageviews and my gallery is the tits!

We've left no stone unturned!
We've gotten our hands on some verifiable official E3 2014 leaks and secrets and we're spilling the beans. Find out what's in store from Microsoft, Nintendo, Ubisoft, Epic Games, EA, and all the other big companies making important announcements.
Get a sneak peek at news about Battlefield 5, a new Nintendo MMO, Destiny, and all every other E3 reveal and announcement.

Jimquisition happens every Monday!
Jimquisition travels to another time and another place, examining a world taken over by gamer guys and their testosterone-addled inanity. Something must be done!
Fortunately, your ol' pal Jim Sterling is here to take those insincere culture thieves down a peg, and put gaming in the hands of those to whom it belongs. Welcome to the Sarkybastardverse, which is definitely a real thing now.

In an effort to poke holes in NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre's belief that only a "good guy" with a gun can stop a "bad guy" with a gun, Paolo Pedercini has created The Best Amendment, a satirical PC game, report...

Mar 10 //
Jim Sterling
1: Online gaming is serious business:
So, you finally got your game hooked up and are ready to play. Now, you may be forgiven for thinking that online gaming is about having fun. You are very wrong and you will learn this in due time. Because we gamers are too physically weak to pick random fights in bars, we must assert our alpha male dominance another way -- by twiddling our fingers around on buttons until virtual representations of people we don't know simulate death.
This is your life now, and you are connected, physically and emotionally, to your in-game avatar. When they frag you, do you not bleed? Well, no you don't but that's not the point. You will mourn him for every second of that respawn countdown. His digital death just killed a little piece of you, and you will avenge with the fury of a thousand angry Gods.
In team games, if you are losing, remember to berate your teammates and tell them how much they suck. You won't be making a fool out of yourself for ordering them around and reminding them that your side is losing and nobody's helping you win. Also, you must use words like "alpha," all the time, just like you're a real army man!
2: Noobs are scum:
People who are new to a particular game are terrible vermin who you should not fraternise with. These subhumans are known as noobs and they are the pariahs of online gaming. You, however, were never a noob. You were playing games online before the Internet was even invented. In fact, you're so awesome that you were playing Dizzy the Egg team deatchmatches on your Commodore 64.
Make sure to check out the stats of anybody in a game with you. If they have not been playing for long, then you must hurl insults at them because they are lesser human beings. Laugh cruelly if noobs are your opponents, and grimace loudly if they are on your team.
Also, the term noob has such power that if you dislike someone's actions in a game, you can say it to them as well. Obviously, displeasing you is deadly enough to make them forget all their prior gaming experience and they actually revert back into children.
3: If a feature in a game is popular/effective, it is cheap:
Be it the chainsaw in Gears of War, or snipers in any FPS ever made, there are a number of cool features and tactics in games that people not only find enjoyable to use, but are often highly effective methods of securing victory -- never use them. If you do so, you are cheap and will become a noob. You are a hardcore gamer now, which means you only use shotguns or anything else that's really boring. You hate all that is popular, and if you see anybody utilising the best/more useful features of a game, you are to get rid of them immediately.
If these pukes were good at the game like you, they wouldn't need to rely on such cheap tactics, would they? They'd be like you, running around with the shotgun, not having fun and despising everything everyone else is doing. The fact that they have killed you so many times is proof of how bad they are at playing.
4: If anything kills you at all, it is cheap:
Like the above rule, but applied to every potential threat in a game. If someone shoots you to death using nothing but a pistol and with his eyes closed, he is being cheap. Cheap is one of the most brutal insults after noob, and anybody who hears it will feel worse about the fact they are winning ten to zero. It's a hollow victory, because they are so cheap.
5: If you are losing, it is because of lag:
Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming. Lag is a process whereby everyone in the game becomes better than you thanks to the Internet helping them become cheap. The Internet does this a lot, but never affects the enemies you kill yourself, because you have skills.
Nearly every death you ever suffer in a game will be due to lag of some kind. The Internet hates you that much, even though you are so good.
6: If you are losing badly, it is because they are hacking:
Losing a little is one thing, that's just lag conspiring to keep your ownage levels down, but lag can only help the noobs cheaply beat you so much. If you are losing to such a point where not even your lag-pwning skill seems to be making a difference, well there's only one solution, and it's not that they are better than you -- it's that they are hacking.
People who appear to be doing a lot of killing and not much of being killed are hackers, plain and simple. There is no way they're that good without cheating. Re-assure your team (after calling them worthless) that the enemy is clearly powered by nefarious undertakings and you are being penalized for your wholesome and pure ways. Then remember to say alpha.
7: Everyone is gay:
Before the Internet was invented, gay people were those in society who were attracted physically and emotionally to members of the same gender. Since the Internet, everyone and everything is gay. From the gun they use to kill you, to the voice they use to communicate with you, it is all gay, gay, gay. Lag is gay, snipers are gay, noobs are gay, people from other countries are gay, the countries they come from are gay, the ocean the country is surrounded by is gay, the fish in the ocean are gay, all sealife is gay, life is gay, gays are gay, gay gay gay. Gay.
Using the same one-syllable word to describe everything you don't like might not be an indicator of a varied vocabulary, but who cares? Words are gay.
8: Singing is awesome:
Communicating via a headset is great because it lets gamers sing, and that is one of the only reasons we buy headsets. In fact, some people are known to log into servers just to hear poor quality, nasal renditions of the latest "phat tracks." One of the most original and beloved songs to sing is anything done by Rick Astley.
Try to sing as loudly and obnoxiously as you can into your headset before, during and after a game, only stopping when you need to step away from the mic to breathe. Everybody will be impressed and will want to play with you again. In fact, you're so great at singing that the only reason you're not on Broadway right now is that showbusiness is full of lag.
If you lack the raw sexual magnetisim and confidence that is required to sing during a game, you can always hold the microphone up to some speakers and play your favorite tunes for everybody. Your fellow gamers really care what your musical interests are and will applaud your tasteful selection of tracks.
9: Calling people naggers is both original and hilarious:
Racism online is bad, which is a shame because deep down everybody knows it's actually awesome. There is, however, a really witty workaround that allows you to say racist words while not actually saying them. Remember that episode of South Park where Randy believed that the missing letter in "n - ggers" was an I? Then he said the full word and everyone was shocked because it was actually naggers and not that word? Well, here's a pro tip -- nobody has EVER thought of calling people naggers online. You are going to be so edgy if you capitalize on this opportunity.
Do it all the time and your popularity will skyrocket.
10: Team members who score are kill stealers:
Kill stealing is one of the most abhorrent and despicable crimes ever committed, and is even listed in some modern Bibles as the eighth deadly sin. Every opponent is a victim waiting to die by your hand alone, and if anybody dares shoot them before you, they are a kill stealer. Only you may have the glory of the kill, and woe betide anybody caught shooting at the same target as you. If they get the win, they clearly stole your kill.
Even if you and a team member are on opposite sides of the game map, they kill stole. Obviously they did. Probably thanks to a hack.
Just remember, of course, that you are not a kill stealer. You are merely an opportunist. Besides which, since all the enemies are your personal fodder anyway, you're taking nothing away from the meat puppets who are only there to be noobs and bring down your score by sucking.
These are the ten golden rules of online gaming. There are of course plenty of other important laws, but this should be everything you need to get started off on the right footing. First impressions are crucial, and with these ten rules in mind, you will always impress.
Good luck pwning, my fellow online warriors. May noobs fall at your feet and your sword cut through the mists of lag forevermore.

Everyone is gay[Destructoid turns 7 next week! Here's our most popular article from January 2009, one of Jim's first features. Check out more of our earlier works in our Golden Archives. -Niero]
People have been hunched over their PCs, firi...

Mar 08 //
Jim Sterling
My knowledge of the thing began only yesterday with the death of my computer. It had always served me well, but it appeared its time was at an end. I thought it merely a simple result of time, the mortality of the machine a reflection of the end we must all face. How I wish I had remained under that suspicion, and toiled thusly in ignorance. No ... it was ignorance that compelled me to press on. Ignorance that inspired me to seek truth. Ignorance that saw such terrible knowledge thrust upon me.
Unsatisfied with my initial belief, I decided instead to attempt to fix the computer. My machine is a hulking beast of monolithic proportions, tall and black, cast in cold black metal. I swung open its side panel like stone wrought doors pulled free of a mausoleum, and peered inside. What I saw was not the interior of any computer I knew, or even the one I had. I'd opened this thing countless times, looked within to tap on this or confirm that. On this day, however, I saw not the familiar boards and wires that greeted me in the past. It was ... empty. Completely empty.
All except one thing.
The figure was between seven and eight inches in height, and of exquisitely artistic workmanship. It represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with a woman-like head whose face looked like a woman, a feminine, womanly-looking body, women's hands and feet, and some frightening objects I had never seen before on its chest. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural maternity, squatted evilly on a rectangular block or pedestal covered in what looked to be PS3 and Xbox 360 logos. The figure was horribly life-like, so alien in structure yet vaguely, unnervingly familiar. It was carved from some unknown material, greens and whites, with an unnatural coldness. Carved on its underside were two words.
"Sarkeesian fhtagn."
Upon reading these words, my computer switched itself back on, seemingly unpowered, yet working as if it never had broken. If only that had been the end of it. I knew not then what I know now, of the terrible thing I had set into motion, but though my activities were performed in naivety, I still feel I must be punished for what I had done.
It is my fault. It is all my fault.
I did not know why I was chosen, why it was I who had to speak the black words and awaken the ... the abomination. All that matters now is that I did.
Though unsettled, I thought to use the computer anyway, at least to research the origins of this unknown ornament of which I had possession. However, upon accessing the Internet, I was greeted only with one word -- one terrible, awful word, that filled me with a dread so dark and so dismal, I fear to feel it again. Sarkeesian. Sarkeesian Sarkeesian Sarkeesian. As I read this word over and over, yet stranger things began to happen. The copy of Naruto Powerful Shippuden that was sitting on my desk began to emit a strange hissing noise, consistent with that of a kettle brought freshly to boil. It then began to crack, to twist, to snap violently on the desk as if crushed in the hand of some invisible being of considerable size. It contorted this way and that, writhing on the desk as if like a serpent in its death throes. It took less than a minute before it ground itself into dust.
"In her house at Y'outube dead Sarkeesian waits scamming."
The message stood bold on my computer screen, typed not by me. Typed not by anyone. Yet there it was, clear as day and bold as brass. I heard more squealing hisses from the next room, but I remained fixed in my place, cold sweat running in rivulets from my brow and neck. I was possessed by a fear, an all consuming terror. A URL made itself known. A link I fear to share, lest I inflict this madness upon anybody else. So foolish I was, to not turn back now while I still had innocence left to claim. I accessed the URL anyway. I was taken to a website. This "Y'outube" of which the mysterious phrase spoke. There was a video there, Tropes vs. Women in Videogames. What blasphemy! Women? In Videogames? I almost gagged at the mere sight of such black and foul words tossed casually in the face of mankind and of God. God ... I almost laugh at the mention of His name now.
Why did I watch it?
There exist no words in the English language adequate enough to describe what I saw, though I did not watch the thing in its entirety. To be exposed for the mere seconds I was had been more than enough, and I fear any more would reduce me to a gibbering wreckage of remains only human in appearance. A voice so horrifically unassuming. Arguments so disturbingly uncontroversial. This was a product of something cosmically beyond our pitiful grasp. We are as insects, facing the infinite. Please let me forget.
I had barely noticed the hissing around me grow to deafening proportions, but as I closed my browser with shaking hands, tears clouding my vision, the noise suddenly stopped. I weakly lifted myself from my seat, stumbled into my drawing room with all the grace of a village drunk, and witnessed an awful sight. All my videogames were gone. All my videogame consoles were missing. In their place, only dust. Only desiccated dirt. I had watched a video of a woman on the Internet ... and now all my videogames were gone. Forever.
Heed this warning before it is too late for you. Do not seek the knowledge I so stupidly pursued. Do not hunt down that which will prey upon you. Do not watch a video of a woman on the Internet, because all of your videogames will be gone forever. That's definitely how it works.
What has risen may sink, and what has sunk may rise. Loathsomeness waits and dreams in the deep, and political correctness spreads over the tottering cities of men. A time will come -- but I must not and cannot think! Let me pray that, if I do not survive this blog post, my executors may put caution before audacity and see that Tropes vs. Women in Videogames meets no other eye.
Because videogames.

Stell'bsna n'ghaI have of late been subject to some strange occurrences. Some may even say ... frightening ... circumstances. Indeed, the things I have seen make me so very grateful for the inability of the human mind to truly understan...

This week, Father of Dreams and visionary game director David Cage hosts the show and tells us all about emotion. Emotion. Emotion.
What is it like to feel? What can videogames learn from film? How well does David know Ellen Page? Watch this soul-scorching video and prepare to be impressed. Emotion.

Feb 26 //
Jim SterlingBill Murray as Jax
Bill Murray, famous for his roles in The Ghost Bustings and Charlie's Angels, brings a sense of levity and fun to every role he portrays, a perfect fit for the Bluesy humor often displayed by Jax in the hit videogame. However, Murray knows when it's time to put away the lighthearted goofs and get serious, as we saw in the stunning semi-autobiographical Garfield Day.
Gene Hackman as Scorpion
It's time to be scared, everybody! The sinister Gene Hackman is on the prowl, and you have no idea what he's gone and done this time! Hackman's icy persona and stoic menace make him a perfect fit for Mister Scorpion, who I think is a bad guy from Hell or something. This Hollywood beast has terrified me ever since I was a child, and I've often found myself being incredibly angry at him for no reason. He's the actor we love to hate, and sometimes just plain hate -- well suited for such an intimidating character.
George Lopez as Reptile
Reptile just loves to have fun, and plays pranks on the heroes of Outer Worlds all of the time. Whether it's putting plastic flies in ice cubes before Raiden's gala ball, or telling Liu Kang his ears are really gross even when they're not, you just never know what kind of gentle, audience-appropriate shenanigans Reptile will get up to next. Our focus testing suggests comedian and talk show host George Lopez would be ripe for the role -- a rising star with a lot to offer.
Vince Vaughn as Baraka
Baraka is always smiling because of some funny things he's thought of, and Vince Vaughn has the brightest smile in all of Tinsel Town. It's a marriage made in marketing heaven! Starring in comedies such as George of the Jungle and The Mummy Returns, Vaughn's roles are comical but also a bit serious at the same time, as seen in the more dramatic parts he's played in Bedazzled and Dudley Do-Right. Of course, Baraka is also scary when he needs to be, so we may need to convince Vaughn to threaten some girls so they'll be really creeped out by him on the silver screen.
Jack Nicholson as Goro
All we need are two fake arms and a thong, and Mr. Shining will do all the rest. Watching Nicholson onscreen is like seeing pure magic pour out of a sorcerer's arse, the man's just got charisma dripping from every crag in his chiseled face. As Goro, Nicholson's job will be to act as a force of power for the heroes to overcome, but also say things that will appeal to toy-buying kids, such as "Radical" and "This is hella bunk, you frisky idiot." Goro is important to the monetary post-release support of the movie, but Nicholson's raw energy will bring him to life.
Jennifer Lawrence as Sonya Blade
In all honesty, as great as Lawrence is, we have no justifiable reason as to why she'd be good for the part of Sonya. However, our intensive research suggests that so long as we can somehow convince the star of The Hungry Games to be in this thing, absolutely nothing else will matter.
Kenan & Kel as Raiden
We looked at the hard data, and while Raiden is still a popular character with long-time fans of Mortal Kombat, it's apparent that he's failing to connect with a wider audience. The new Mortal Kombat movie will re-envision Raiden as a hip talking street cat who breaks all the rules, and who better to give this fresh direction form than Hollywood newcomer Kenan & Kel? First rising to fame in his own eponymous TV show, Kenan & Kel has been on an upward climb that's impossible to ignore. We're very excited to have him on board, and expect to see great things from this child prodigy.
Val Kilmer as Liu Kang
Everybody, it's time to meet The Man Who Was The Bat Man! Is there nothing The Kilmeister can't do? There's just one thing -- be bad at acting! In many ways, Mortal Kombat has always been Liu Kang's story, and so it falls to me to deliver a leading man who has the style, the savvy, and the look of this martial arts icon. There is no other man worthy, especially with The Dark Knight Rises still hot on our breath and warm in our bellies.
Mila Kunis as Sub Zero
Incredibly beautiful, and such a talent, Mila Kunis is far and away one of the biggest female celebrities in the world of film, and is perfect as the classic heroine Sub Zero. Cold body, warm heart, that's the motivation behind this latest retelling of the Sub Zero story. Will Liu Kang break her harsh exterior and finally run away with the woman of his dreams before she does what her father wants and marries that no-good son of a wealthy businessman? Watch and find out!
Dakota Fanning as Shang Tsung
We may have gotten lazy at the end.

Pure. Oscar. Bait. Mortal Kombat has another live-action movie in the works, and it's probably not going to be very good. That doesn't mean it has to be awful, though. The right blend of actors can turn any film, no matter how cynical, into a c...

Feb 24 //
Anthony Burch1. Where do mushroom powerups come from?
Consider the following. The Mushroom Kingdom is so named because the majority of its denizens have very mushroom-shaped heads. Toad, and his hundreds of identical brothers who consistently manage to get kidnapped in Bowser's castles, have heads that are essentially mushrooms with eyes.
But what about the mushroom powerups that Mario consumes in order to get bigger, or gain an extra life? What do THEY look like? Well, mushrooms. But where do these mushrooms come from? Even after jumping through more than half a dozen worlds in the mushroom kingdom, have you seen a SINGLE mushroom FIELD? One can then only conclude that these powerup mushrooms are not created naturally, but are in fact artificially made (and then evidently put into large question-marked boxes).
What conclusion can we draw from these facts? Simple.
MARIO IS EATING THE DECAPITATED HEADS OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE.
2. Super Mario Bros serves as an allegory for the Bolshevik Revolution.
This one we've all heard before. Red outfit, Stalinesque mustache, star on the flag, overthrowing an empire. Yeah, yeah. I only mention it to state that the kind of people who bring this up in regular conversation with their friends are probably the kind of people who get made fun of when they aren't around. So be sure not to do that.
3. Racism.
He's fat, he's a plumber, he's got a mustache, he speaks broken English, and he's pussy-whipped. The only way Mario could be any more of an Italian stereotype is if he had to eat pasta instead of mushrooms, or if he shot people in the back of the head and dumped them in the Hudson Bay.
Now, I can understand that Charles Martinet's voice acting can be pretty cute at times, but honestly. Despite what Nintendo thinks, there are Italians in America who are capable of saying "It's me, Mario" without adding the letter "A" to the end or beginning of every single goddamned word.
And despite the fact that he's a plumber, has anyone ever seen him do any plumbing? At all? He can go down enormous, man-sized pipes, yeah, but he doesn't even carry a goddamn wrench, much less an assortment of tools necessary to perform any degree of adequate pipe maintenance. The job description just seems to paint him as another member of the stereotypically blue collar, working class immigrant population in America. Which says something about how Japan views the US.
4. This picture.
5. Mario is an addict.
It may have taken some of us longer than others to make the connection, but at some point Mario's innocent mushroom and flower powerups begin to take on a much more sinister, substance-abuse-related-meaning. Consider the mushroom powerup in relation to the famous drug-use song "White Rabbit":
"One pill makes you larger
one pill makes you small"
And what about the fire flowers? Even disregarding the obvious drug implication, how was Mario supposed to use the flower to shoot fireballs? Did he just hold it? Eat it? Put it in his pocket or something? Or how about the leaves that turn you into a raccoon? Is there ANY connection between touching a leaf and turning into a raccoon that you can see? Anything at all? The only rational answer is that all of these "transformations" are nothing more than visual and auditory hallucinations, brought on by heavy drug use. The mushrooms Mario is so fond of are of the "magic," hallucinatory variety, the flowers he eats to produce fire are obviously some sort of illegal poppy blossom, and the magic leaves that make him turn into a flying raccoon...well, you figure it out.
6. Murder.
See? Not so fun from the Goomba's position. Now, regardless of whether or not the Goombas are actually working for Bowser, they certainly don't seem like killers, or even soldiers. They walk around aimlessly, and if you touch them, you get hurt. Is that worth killing over? It's not even like they attack Mario once they see him: they just walk back and forth along a predetermined path, and if Mario touches them, it's his own fault. But, instead of doing the merciful thing and avoiding them, Mario takes it upon himself to stomp every last weaponless Goomba to death, for no good reason.
Actually, when you think about it, Mario's got it pretty easy: almost none of his enemies actively try to attack him, so the only thing he really has to worry about is falling down bottomless pits and getting hit by Bowser's traps. And, really, how hard is it to avoid non-sentient weaponry?
That being said, I shed no tears for the Hammer Bros. They can go to hell.
[Picture credits: The first, gross painting is from this guy , the burly Mario is from here , and the goomba comic is at Lifemeter . Everything else is either google searched, MS Painted, or really obvious. Update: Additional evil mario photos were added to the gallery.]

From Dtoid's Golden Archives: Dec 19, 2006[Destructoid turns 7 on March 16, 2013! I'm celebrating early by repairing some of my favorite articles from our Wordpress days. You'll be able to browse this original collection soon -- "Destructoid's Golden Archives" is her...

Feb 23 //
Niero Gonzalez
To say that the gaming press can be misleading by a preview and not concede that, if ever fooled, the truth does not rise to the top is delicious jelly tripe, deserving of only lips due a corner office at Fox News where agenda buttocks may line up for regular laps.
As someone who runs a site that religiously publishes more articles than a sane person can keep up with I completely reject this notion. If we're ever bamboozled by a doctored screenshot, captivated by a phony pre-rendered video, or charmed by the snake-oils of its satin-tongue Frenchies we will shout it from the rooftops of every beacon known to us. Which, by the way, is ineffective sometimes even if we told you so.
That said, maybe there is a poor wild animal somewhere that actually places pre-orders after reading a preview of an unfinished game we can't accurately report on due to embargoes and just common decency to allow the developer push out their damned fetus before we curb-stop it in front of its parents. This cute guide is for you!
Tip#1. Don't pre-order anything you've only read about in a preview
Can we all agree that pre-order bonuses are fleeting and goofy, only existing to support the inevitable death of retail? Even if it comes with a fairy that poops horse armors, your pre-order is as risky as standing at the front door of Walmart on CyberMonday. We wrote about an unfinished game, not a finished product.
Wait for the review. Put. The. Wallet. Down.
If you're a gambling man and love the thrill of uncertainty, have at it. If you're upset that the game didn't live up to the hopeful preview on a half-developed game, then you're an idiot. We run reviews and continue to report on games weeks after they are released. We wouldn't judge your wife's cooking while the turkey's half-frozen, either.
Tip#2. Remind yourself that your backlog exists
What ever will you do during the week that the entire Internet is tweeting and playing the game that you want? I don't know, let's see ... exactly what you were doing before?
For every game you're tripping over yourself to purchase on launch day there are 1,000 superiorly written, better orchestrated, honky-doory titles rotting on eBay that you've yet to discover. Use the imagination that videogames has cultivated in you to pretend that your legs have been gnawed off and you must wait a whole two weeks until they respawn to carry you to the thrift store. Instead, isn't it time to face your shortcomings as a human being? Did your uncle touching you incorrectly prevent you from enjoying a Tactical RPG? Use this time to reflect on that.
Tip#3A. Formulate your own opinion by breaking into someone's home
The best way to sell you a game, according to a speaker at a recent videogames marketing conference, is to keep it as far away from you as possible. I'm not making this up.
All the hype, marketing, previews, reviews, etc. are shockingly less effective in telling you how you will actually feel about a title than having the audacity to sit on a friend's sofa and borrow the controller, or download a demo. You have friends, right?
[embed]246027:47160:0[/embed]
You may also want to identify reviewers that you enjoy across multiple websites, and wait until they spend days reviewing a title so you can skip straight to the score and perform maths. We're all wrong anyway, so you may as well reconcile whose wrongness is the best.
Tip #4. Remind yourself that modern media isn't scarce
99.9% of games don't sell out permanently, so calm down, son.
Remember, what you're actually buying is permission to use data burned onto a disc that costs less than a quarter, or the data transfer cost to them. You chilluns don't have to deal with RAM shortages and volatile market prices causing cartridge production to grind to a hault, as seen in the 80's with The Adventure of Link. Your body will rot forty times over before this generation's Blu-RAY discs become rare. The exception might actually be digital media that requires persistent servers online. Play those games while they're here, but don't preorder them without doing your homework first, babies.
Bonus PSA: Diamonds are also not rare, but we'll let you explain that one to your girlfriend. She won't care and will still secretly desire the biggest one you can afford, because we are simple, simple animals.
Tip #5. If you don't enjoy a videogame, think of the raccoons
Look at the sprawling city around you, and spit at it. Modern civilization has made it easy to deliver previews electronically into homes, but have also made it very difficult for nearby forrest creatures to purchase the copies of Aliens: Colonial Marines that humans have left to waste. By murdering yourself and leaving your windows open perhaps a curious family of raccoons can cuddle over your first-world corpse to discover why videogames are art.
Speaking of which, do you journalize art for truth and accuracy, or do you just kind of stand around stroking your chin while trying to criticize it on a very personal level? I'm scared and confused, surrounded by tense smaller animals of a different vernacular.
[Photo Credit: Nigel3]

A consumer's guide on how not to make the press and themselves look retardedGames journalism criticism is a young field of business. As with any emerging practice it often likes to talk about itself, not because games writers are pretentious masturbatory bastards, but because we care to do the best j...

Feb 06 //
Jim Sterling[embed]244154:46787:0[/embed]
While the system is designed for Dennis to trick women into having sex with him before abandoning them, its applications in business are frightening, and Nintendo's mastery of it is absolute. Like Dennis, Nintendo is able to seduce and conquer its fans by demonstrating value, engaging physically, nurturing dependence, neglecting emotionally, inspiring hope, and then separating entirely. Do you remain skeptical? Read on and understand.
Demonstrate Value
This one's easy, because we already know, by Nintendo's own admission, that it secures customer loyalty by demonstrating the value of its product. Through marketing promotions, competitive pricing, and pledging to offer the widest variety of games to the widest variety of consumers, Nintendo attempts to demonstrate its value to the user. More often than not, it succeeds.
In fairness, all videogame companies utilize the first step of the system. Duping the consumer into believing a product is worth the entry fee is what the game industry is all about. Nintendo's as committed as any when it comes to demonstrating its value.
Engage Physically
No other company works harder to engage its customers physically than Nintendo. With the Wii, the DS, the 3DS, and the Wii U, Nintendo has been doing more to encourage physical interaction with users than any other company in the games market. Whether you're waggling a remote, tapping a touchscreen, or tilting screens left and right, when you're on a Nintendo system, you're 100% physically engaged.
Even those shy to embrace Nintendo's whimsical world of bodily nonsense are eventually suckered in. Games like The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword test the resolve of even the most adamant anti-waggle gamer, and the excellent Nintendo DS library has us all dragging styli around like they're little Weekend at Bernie's corpses! If you're a Nintendo customer, consider yourself physically engaged.
Nurturing Dependence
Nintendo has the key to the cage of some of gaming's most beloved and cherished franchises. Your inner child is Reggie Fils-Aime's bitch. Miyamoto is the way and the truth and the life, and no one comes to the Mario except through him. To get your hands on Zelda, Metroid, Kirby, and so many more, you depend entirely on so-called Big N.
Nintendo knows it, too. It knows what you like, and it knows you have nobody else to turn to. Games like Nintendo Land and New Super Mario Bros. feed your nostalgia, remind you of happier times before you became an evil-hearted adult, and convince you to stay with Nintendo if you want to keep getting that sweet, sweet hit. One look at the dogged loyalty of Nintendo's most ardent fans will tell you this has already been achieved. They remain hopelessly in the thrall of their master, suckling at its red, cracked teats with all the gratitude of a freshly-fed dog.
We're halfway through the system, and Nintendo's three for three!
Neglect Emotionally
Nintendo's demonstrated its value to you. It's engaged you physically with its cool new toy. It's nurtured your dependence with the allure of childhood memories and honest-to-goodness gaming. What happens next?
Wii Music happens next.
Yes folks, you've just been neglected emotionally!
Satoru Iwata's band of merry men are wizards when it comes to this step, leading fans on for so long before totally cutting them off. After stringing gamers along, Nintendo does an about-face, making its press conferences and announcements all about family-friendly crap that nobody cares for. We get some maniac woman on a stage, grinning like a bargain basement Joker as she tells you she's going to put a smile on your face. We get promises of Pikmin 3, but no actual news, while other favorite franchises are completely ignored. Reggie tells us Animal Crossing is a hardcore game and can't understand why anybody's feeling shortchanged.
"Nintendo has abandoned the hardcore gamer," the cry rings out, over valley and hill. My Lord, why hast thou forsaken me? The answer is clear -- Nintendo's neglecting you emotionally.
Inspire Hope
Wait, they just announced Pikmin 3? Holy shit, was that a new Kid Icarus? New Donkey Kong? And what's with this Wii U eShop? It's, like, actually good. Nintendo's got a new online strategy, Nintendo's promising more core games. Nintendo's back, everybody! Nintendo finally gets it.
"Nintendo finally gets it." I've honestly lost count of how many times I've read that phrase over the years. After neglecting us emotionally, Nintendo makes some announcement or presents a fresh feature that has everybody (myself included) pull a U-turn and declare that, this time, Nintendo finally understands what we want, and at last knows how to give it to us. We are relieved. We are appreciative.
And then ... we bang.
Separate Entirely
Weeks without games. A sudden 3DS discount that pisses off everybody who supported the system early. The eShop turns out to be bereft of content and shit as always. A reality that fails utterly to live up to the promises we breathed in like sweet oxygen. And all the while, Nintendo sits there, deaf to our pleas, blind to our entreaties. It's working on something else now, and has cut its consumers loose.
It's okay, though. You need not be alarmed. Nintendo will be back, next time it needs to demonstrate its value to you.
And the D.E.N.N.I.S. System rises again.

It's Always Sunny at NintendoEarlier this week, Nintendo's Shigeru Miyamoto claimed his company had failed to "communicate the value" of the Wii U to consumers, a turn of phrase that struck me as quite amusing. As a fan of It's Always Sunny in Phila...

Dec 01 //
Allistair Pinsof
Derivative filth
Catering to the everyman that demand downtrodden, unshaved white dudes with guns on their box covers, Irrational has ignored its fanbase to serve the greater populace of unworthy plebs.
As an art critic -- I mean, I did take photography or some shit in college -- I feel upset by this consumerist approach to box art design. Shouldn't box arts be about the bigger picture? Like, anti-America, giant clockwork birds, and some young girl with an unsettling amount of cleavage?
The truth is that Irrational don't care what you think. They are too busy counting their money, with this bound to be successful box cover that owes more than a little bit to Uncharted, Modern Warfare, and soulless market analysis.
Flag burning
It is our right as people that live in America and talk Americanese to be offended by the flag burning on this cover. Though it is not an actual flag, Irrational has set fire to the metaphysical flag in all of our hearts. I'm going to have to borrow some of my mom's healing crystals for like a week to get over this pointless act of aggression toward my freedums.
In a time when our country has an evil hobgoblin for a president, we look toward great, honorable box covers like Medal of Honor: Warfighter and Secret Service to remind us of all that our country can be. I look at Irrational's BioShock Infinite -- what was supposed to be the perfect box art of this console generation -- and I all see is sick sadness and pain.
No DLC Stickers? REALLY!??
Apparently, Irrational is now in the business of ripping people off. Pre-purchase DLC stickers are to be expected on box covers these days, but Irrational must live in the stone age. Look how big the BioShock Infinite logo is on that box! It's atrocious! Couldn't they have made it smaller and sneaked a big, beautiful yellow sticker somewhere, exclaiming, "Hey! We are giving you this extra bonus for your Xbox Live avatar because we are true artists that care about you and the art of box art making." Nope. Nothing.
Overall
I don't want to sound hyperbolic but BioShock Infinite isn't only the most disappointing box cover of 2013 but perhaps of all next year. If you add those things up, that's like 24 months or so. 24 months to grieve on message boards. 24 months to sign petitions, banishing Irrational to a third world country, like Sweden. 24 months to burn every copy of BioShock Infinite and forget it ever happened.
Out of the kindness of our hearts, we gamers allowed Irrational to take five years to deliver us the box cover that would change our lives, our industry, and our souls. This ... this is what they give us in return?
I'm so mad, guys. So dang mad. Please sign my petition to change this offensive box cover, even though I'll be purchasing via Steam. Just because. Freedums.

We waited five years for this?There are few boxes as anticipated as BioShock Infinite, the long awaited box to prequels BioShock Limited Edition and BioShock for the PlayStation 3.
Irrational Games, known as 2K Boston during BioShock's release, made waves...

Nov 30 //
Jim Sterling
Intuitive motion reduction enhancement features
If you've played some of the third-party ports that have been expediently produced for your benefit, you may have been delighted with one of the Wii U's boldest new features -- a little addition I like to call Intuitive Motion Reduction Enhancement. This innovative approach to gaming takes some of the more hardcore experiences -- Ninja Gaiden 3, Warriors Orochi 3 Hyper, Call of Duty: Black Ops II -- and dynamically reduces the speed at which they are played in order to give the user extreme tactical advantages.
Here's how it works -- when the action is at its most hectic, at its most adrenaline-pumping, the Wii U intuitively lowers the framerate, sometimes to a crawl. This "bullet time" effect allows the player a new level of unmatched battlefield surveillance, giving him or her the power to make fresh decisions and dramatically alter the course of gameplay in their favor. Never before has such power been at the player's fingertips, and only on the Wii U can this inspiring feature be accessed.
Be sure to laugh at your friends as they remain forced to play Call of Duty at normal speeds, like mundane idiots. We call these people Kinematypicals, and we look at them with disgust.
It has the best version of Firmware of any console
When you first get your shiny new Wii U (still massively available in every shop in the world), you get instant access to the most crucial game right out of the box -- for free! Nintendo's version of this generation's most popular game, Firmware, is bigger, better, and greatly expanded when compared to the paltry efforts of the Xbox 360 and even PS3!
Sure, the PS3 managed to negotiate exclusive access to more Firmware sequels and DLC than Microsoft or Nintendo, but only on Wii U can you get the definitive version -- all 57GB of it! PS3 fans are going to feel really sore after wasting their time on shitty little incremental updates when they find out that Firmware is available, in full and larger than ever, ONLY on the Nintendo Wii U home entertainment videogame entertainment Wii U entertainment console.
You better rub some ice cream on your butt from all the butt-stuff that Nintendo just did to your butt, you butthurt little PS3 fanboys. Sorry to BUTT in and be a BUTTHER (still works), but I wondered if you'd like some BUTTER to cool down your BUTT after all the BUTTHURT on your BUTT. You fucking fucks.
Willem Dafoe
Only on Wii U can you access the official Willem Dafoe fan community. Although currently misnamed Rabbids Land, the Willem Dafoe Miiverse community is rich with tribute to Hollywood's favorite son -- and perhaps the most treasured man in America today -- Willem Dafoe. Full of fun facts (Willem Dafoe invented cars) and whimsical fan drawings (Willem's Datoe, Battlefoeds, Wii-llem Dafoe), the Wii U has become the ultimate destination for all things Willem!
The closest the SexCocks PeeShitty (Xbox 360) ever got to a thriving celebrity community was that time I drew Val Kilmer in marker pen on the side of my console ... and the drawing was fucking shit. Part of his eye was doodled over the disc tray so every time I tried to put a game in, it looked like his eye was coming out a bit, and it was really scary and gross, and I said to myself, "This is not The Batman, this is not the fucking Batman," every single time it happened.
And nobody on eBay believed me when I tried to sell it and say it was Val Kilmer's personal Xbox. Bloody stupid Microsoft.
Aliens: Colonial Marines will have a motion tracker
Does anything else even need to be said? This one fact alone proves the Wii U is better than both the TyrannosaurusRexCumFilledSocks TreeThatADogPissedUpSixtyYearsOldLikeAnOldMan (Xbox 360) and PlayStinky 3 (PlayStation 3). We have all dreamed of being a Colonial Marine, firing our pulse rifle into the air, making hurtful sexist remarks about capable female comrades, and eventually ending our lives in screaming terror as eyeless abominations drag us mercilessly to be processed into little more than macabre wombs.
It's the American dream, and Wii U takes us one step closer to making it a reality. Only on Nintendo's wonder machine can you have a real-life motion tracker in your real-life hands, able to directly pinpoint real-life Xenomorph activity and defecate into your real-life pants with the extreme terror of it all. In REAL life!
Aliens is literally the best film ever made (after Alien 3), and Aliens: Colonial Marines will be the best game in the world thanks to the reality-warping properties of the Wii U. You might even start believing you're a trained military professional! How fun would that be? You'd get to kill people in the street for looking browner than you, and nobody can stop you because you're a Colonial Marine! I think that's how it works.
Funky Barn
Is the PS3 funky enough for this barn? No. Is the Xbox 360 funky enough for this barn? No. The Wii U, by stark contrast, has been scientifically measured as matching the predetermined levels of funk required to gain entry to the aforementioned barn, and that is why it is the best home gaming system on the market right now.
Just trust me, this point makes sense if you have a Wii U. If not, then tough shit. You should've gotten one. Now you're just a spastic.
Games look dramatically better on the Wii U
Before you start thinking I'm a biased fanboy and write this point off as something a loyalist shill might say, bear in mind these are not my words. These are the words of Reggie Fils-Aime! Yeah, not looking so biased now, are they?
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CNN correspondent Reggie Fils-Aime has stated for the record that Wii U games look dramatically better than the visually inferior counterparts found slumming it on PS3 and Xbox 360 -- or should I say PeePissPee and Xbox 360!?!? Yeah, I should say that.
You can't really get less biased than the opinion of a third party, which is why I urge you to not just take my word for it. Please pay attention to the words of people like Reggie, Satoru Iwata, and Shigeru Miyamoto, all hardworking pundits in the industry who have spoken extensively about the qualities of the Wii U. If you insist on ignoring my opinion, go check out those guys, and prepare to have your damn eyes opened.
The GamePad is a bit like an iPad
Some of you may not want to accept it, but we've all got to face facts some day -- the iPad is the inevitable future of all gaming. In years to come, the iPad will steadily replace all systems in what is quite clearly a zero-sum game where all that is new exists solely at the expense of the old. And smart people couldn't be happier about it, because the iPad is home to the best videogames on the market.
Angry Birds, Angry Birds Space, Angry Birds Star Wars -- the list of quality gaming experiences on iPad goes on and on, and the only safe game companies are those embracing the incontestable conclusion of everything videogames have worked towards. Companies like Nintendo, who have used the Wii U to give us a controller that is exactly like an iPad in every single way except for apps, multitouch, a retina display, comparable battery life, the ability to take it outdoors, and some other things.
The Wii U is now in a prime position to score some of those hot new iPad games, such as Angry Birds, Angry Birds Space, and even Angry Birds Star Wars. Meanwhile, the PS3 is stuck with lame shitty casual games like Angry Birds on the so-called PSN. What a lame duck.
Final Fantasy XIII isn't on it
It's the little blessings that make life worth living, after all! God bless you, Wii U -- you're literally Jesus Christ.

Suck my hardware, you stupid STUPIDThe Wii U has had a chance to settle in North America, and just recently hit shelves in Europe. The question on everybody's lips is, of course -- is the Wii U the best home console in the world, and should I throw away every ...

Thomas Truong, the man responsible for the excellent New Adventures of Podtoid, has been working on another project, and it's quite glorious. He's gone and taken a section of an old article I wrote, How Xbox Live is Blatantl...

I'll admit to not being the world's biggest Halo fan, so it took me by surprise to find out that Microsoft had changed Halo 4's name since I last saw it at E3, deciding instead to call it Halo 4: King of the Hill Powered by M...

Oct 18 //
Jim Sterling
The Wii has a superior healthcare solution
Sure, people like to talk about Obamacare like it's significant, but how many lives has it saved so far? How many diseases has it cured? I just did a Google search and it turns out both cancer and AIDS are still pretty much around, so thanks a lot, NobamaCOULDN'TcareLESS!
Meanwhile, the healing properties of the Wii are documented and acknowledged by scientists who have been interviewed in newspapers. As you look at the mounting evidence, you find that Wii-habilitation has stopped elderly people from falling down stairs, eliminated fatness and old age, and made arthritis a thing of the past.
There are no pictures of Obamacare saving some little bald kid's life. There are pictures of mad old duffers standing up and waving their hands around. Rejuvenation, for a healthsome America.
The Wii is a job creator
It took Obama four years to lower the unemployment rates below 8% or whatever it was they said on CNN when I was flicking through channels looking for Adventure Time. Whatever. It took the Wii four weeks probably to become a household phenomenon, creating intense demand in retail stores, thus creating more work, thus logically creating jobs. Somebody had to make, package, and sell those Wiis. How many people had to make, package, and sell Obama? We don't know, because he won't show us his birth certificate, but we can assume not many!
Under Obama, people have been so unemployed that they can't even get jobs writing shit like this. Meanwhile, Nintendo has been picking up the slack by hiring people to manufacture, then ultimately dismantle, millions of Wii Speak devices. Don't question me on this, just look at the facts I'm writing.
Stimulating the economy
Talk about a stimulus package? I've got your stimulus package right here, Barry (I am talking about my testicles and penis when I say this, because "package" sometimes means testicles and penis, even though it doesn't in this case, but that is the joke of what I am saying). Barack Obama has done nothing to fix the economy, selling all our money to China, wasting it on education and science instead of giving it to Jesus to invest, and refusing to use his serpent's staff to banish the national debt to the Forbidden Realm of M'ak'Ta'Luao like we keep telling him to.
Obama's stimulus package was a joke, especially when you consider the fact that the Wii basically is a little stimulus package in and of itself. In 2006, before Obama was even born, the Wii was responsible for so many people smashing their television sets with carelessly flung motion controllers, thus the electronics industry experienced a thriving boom. Just look at this graph:
The Wii sold basketfuls, driving profits for GameStop, Best Buy, Walmart, Amazon, and other stores that I don't go to. It sold dozens of extra peripherals, continuing to boost fiscal earnings and economic stability. Not to mention the 10 copies of Okami it shifted, which might've helped too. The Wii IS America's stimulus, and the Wii U will be as well. Vote Wii U!
Nintendo was a more progressive step forward for American culture
Barack Obama made history by becoming the first African-American president of the United States of America. It was a massive accomplishment, a huge step forward for our culture, and it's something I absolutely, positively will not take away from the man. We should all be proud and give ourselves a pat on the back over how not-racist we are. Good for us and our victory, white folks of America. Good for us.
However, as significant as Obama's presidency may be in the history of progressive attitudes, it's still but a speck on the gigantic radar of time, as compared to the huge, gelatinous splodge that is Nintendo. While Obama was soaking up the acclaim and making us all feel not-racist, Nintendo broke real ground by employing people who weren't even really human into positions of power. That Nintendo would promote Reggie Fils-Aime, the world's first executive to be made up of 75% chuck steak, is truly the achievement that human civilization will remember forever.
As most folks know (mostly just by looking at him), Fils-Aime is only partially made up of homo sapien DNA, with most of his body mass constructed from bits off a butcher's slab. There's some pork in there and probably gravy for blood. He's a meaty, salty, oxtail president of Nintendo, something Obama, with all his petty humanity, could never hope to be. God willing, Nintendo will see meat-men in positions of power all over the globe. They can never die, you see, and need not sleep. America has been too prejudiced against homo savories for too long, and Nintendo's paving the way toward acceptance.
Wii did more for gay issues than Obama
Obama has stood with his gay brethren, making a stand for same-sex marriage and pledging his support to a demographic that has, for too long, been downtrodden, dismissed, and ultimately despised by a large section of the voting public. However, Obama is only supporting gay marriage for political reasons, and politicians doing things for political reasons because of politics absolutely fucking disgust me. How DARE a politician be politically motivated? How DARE Electronic Arts support LGBT issues because of reasons? How DARE!? How DAAAAAARE!?!?!?
Sorry to burst your little bubble, BaCRAP OBALMYSUMMEREVENING (Barack Obama), but I'm going to throw my support behind a company that's done far more for gay issues than you could ever hope. I'm throwing my lot in with the Wii, a system that broke gay boundaries with Muscle March.
[embed]237009:45475:0[/embed]
Just watch the above video, and YOU tell ME what will ultimately be more beneficial for gay rights in America. Some silly bit of paper saying two guys or two gals are married? Or PURE. UNADULTERATED. MUSCLE!?
You decide. I'm just dishing out the facts. Don't ever get me started on Captain Rainbow.
The Wii isn't single-handedly responsible for every bad thing in America
The debt ceiling. Unemployment. The economy. Terrorism. Jeff Dunham. Crime. No freedom. Jeff Dunham. All the fault of one Barack INSANE (instead of Hussein) Obama. As everybody who has watched FOX News under a democratic government can wisely tell you, the president is 100% responsible for absolutely every single bad thing that's ever happened in the country (all good things, by the way, are thanks to Ronald Reagan). The president micromanages the country like he's playing Theme Hospital, and just like Theme Hospital, people keep dying because of bad health care and inflated heads (a metaphor for big government).
Meanwhile, the Wii is NOT president, and thus is NOT responsible for every single bad thing that's ever happened in the United States. How about them apples? Vote Wii U for president, because it's not the president, therefore it's not bad.
The TROOPS
Obama promised to bring THE TROOPS back home but didn't do so. He broke his promise and left THE TROOPS high and dry in Egypt, or wherever it is they are. One of them countries. While our boys are fighting his wars, Obamama's Boy is sitting at home, dodging the draft and laughing at all the people he's having killed, because he doesn't give a damn about our military and he is also big government.
While Buttrack Buttbambutt merely promises, Nintendo's at least trying to get our TROOPS back on home soil. Only the Wii was brave enough to draw up a plan of action. Army Rescue, I haven't played it, but the name says all that needs to be said. The Wii has a living document that says it WILL rescue our army. Given half a chance, it'll do it before stupid 2014, too.
TROOPS!
The Wii simply has THE better president
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you President Cat:
[embed]237009:45476:0[/embed]
I. Rest. My. God. Damn. Case.

The REAL political debate of the yearThis year, two reigning incumbents are looking to win themselves a second term of power. I am, of course, talking about president-elect of the United States, Barack Obama, and president-man of the eighth console gen...