Auto Erotic!

I devote my bawdy prose this week to three fuck flicks linked in a specific way: Perverted Stories "The Movie" tells the tall tale of what happens when three raver chicks pick up a creepy hitchhiker; Nasty Filthy Cab Rides 8 trades in taxicab confessions for backseat boning; and the title of Grand Theft Anal was obviously inspired by the video game series in which you hijack cars and beat hookers. (As in the game, storytelling is abandoned for all-out debaucheryunlike the game, the movie merely implies violence. And my man Nick Catucci, who writes the Joysticks column, thinks porn is sick!)

The first fares in Nasty Filthy Cab Rides 8 (Digital Playground) are two blonds, one of them rather busted and with braces, who request to be taken to a car wash. (Remember, these are nasty filthy cab rides.) Check out the porno dialogue: "Maybe I can hose you guys down," says Paul, the driver, peering into his rear-view, from which a crucifix dangles. "I dunno, how big is your hose?" asks Brace-Face. Paul must be small, 'cause the ladies only wind up munching each other's boxes. Two of the movie's three cabbies are said to be actual Hollywood drivers. Paul and the next dude upwho disappears from the front seat, where a cross dangles from the mirror, when the frisky guy-girl couple actually start going at itmust be them. There's no way he's giving anyone a tip.

"I just might not have a tip," a plain "exotic" dancer admits to the last scene's dude. "So can you suck my dick?" he asks. Yes. Yes she can. After some road head, they bump uglies in a restaurant kitchen. If only it had a sunroof, the cab would've had enough legroom.

Details

Opening Grand Theft Anal (Zero Tolerance), the saucy Jessica Darlin says, "I have the video game!" Deadpan interviewer-cameraman: "There's a video game called Grand Theft Anal?" Jessica: "I'd say the name, but that would be politically incorrect." Interviewer: "You mean copywrite infringement?" (I laughed all the way to the sperm bank!) Intent on proving that she's still the "anal queen" (who you can tell from other royalty by the doughnut on their throne), Jessica takes a big uncircumcised dick in her ass. But not before also taking what appears to be an unpleasant clit diddlingthe guy forces her to stand and jut out her hips, rubbing furiously, as she instinctively backs away, squeezing her eyes shutand gag-inducing face-fuck. I'd go into more detail, but that would be copywrite infringement.

"Do you have any hobbies that don't involve your colon?" our interviewer asks the much-more-than-a-mouthful-mammed Brit Alicia Rhodes. She does not. Sloppy sucking, however, must be her pastime. "Yes, you're a filthy little cocksucker!" Mark Woods tells her, shortly before almost losing his wedding ring in the aforesaid colon. Later, the revered Hannah Harper, who came out of retirement to shoot GTA, says it's a stereotype that British women like anal sex (don't tell the Greeks, they might get jealous!). I'd like to advance my own generalization: that English ladies talk dirty during sex more than other nationalities. (Notice my use of the colon!)

The statuesque Hungarian Mandy Bright, for instance, works speedily and enthusiastically, with nary a peep. Well, maybe peeps and moans and gags and shouts, but no delightfully accented words. Brazilian Rio, the one nasty gal in GTA's excellent lineup, also keeps quiet. ("Do you dance upon the sand?" she's asked. "I can try," she answers bashfully.) Green-eyed blond Anna Nova is a German who "certainly gives a lot of credence to that master race thing," according to the cameraman. I don't know about that. But a pair of ostentatious fakies aside, she is slammin'and she gets slammed by another German, so I couldn't tell if what they were saying was dirty or not.

But we all know Germans are supposed to be kinky. Perverted Stories "The Movie" (JM Productions) may not appeal to cock-ring Hansit's sick in a different way. In the first of its many allusions to horror flicks, we see the girls driving along a mountain road reminiscent of the one in The Shining. Julie Night, a wide-hipped cutie in glasses, drives; GTA star Jessica Darlin, looking preppie and hotly bitchy, sits in the passenger seat; and the eager Maggie Star rides in the back. They are the freshest, cleanest, sweetest carload of girls I've seen since high school. I feared for them.

My fears, thankfully, were well founded. The hitchhiker, wearing a camouflage jacket and missing a tooth, asks them where they're headed. Told about the "Electric Daisy Carnival," which sounds like that neo-hippie nightmare, Burning Man, he says, "I saw Clapton once." Jessica, cutting hotly and bitchily to the chase, asks him if he can get them ecstasy. Yes. Yes he can. They need only stop off at his friend's house. Brave Julie goes inside, and meets with two very old men (they're wearing old-men masks) who prefer the "barter system." Julie must "wake up Barney," who's asleep in a rocking chair with no pants on, by sucking him off. Looking deeply grossed out, she goes down shockingly deep right away. Barney soon opens his eyes: "You dealin' drugs again?"