Cartalk.

A Take-no-guff Vehicle That's A Hummer-dinger

August 16, 1998|By Jim Mateja, Auto writer.

Some people think Dennis Rodman of the Chicago Bulls is a little weird because the color of his hair changes like a chameleon, he has tattoos all over his body (and those parts not tattooed are pierced) and, on occasion, he wears a wedding gown.

The hair, tattoos, piercings and attire don't bother us at all.

But what makes us think that perhaps Rodman isn't playing with a full deck is that the man owns a Hummer.

Rodman is a terrific basketball player, but when it comes to vehicles, he is a loon.

We had the opportunity to test drive the Hummer or Humvee or whatever you want to call a vehicle that's as wide as it is tall that's made in Mishawaka, Ind., just down the road from South Bend.

In fairness to Hummer, prospective buyers are warned by manufacturer AM General, that the vehicle "is not for everyone."

Only those who belong to one of "four distinct psychographic" categories, AM General says, should even consider a purchase. Those four categories are Discerners, Conquerors, Realists and Adventurers.

To determine in which, if any, category you belong, you can visit the AM General Web site at www.hummer.com to take a test to establish yourself--as if Discerners and Conquerors don't know already.

But we digress.

The Hummer is like a Chevrolet Corvette, Dodge Viper, Plymouth Prowler or Volkswagen Beetle. You have to get behind the wheel of one only once to put yourself in the same seat as such celebrity owners as Rodman, actors Arnold Schwarzenegger, Erik Estrada and Lorenzo Lamas, boxing promoter Don King, media and sports mogul Ted Turner, rock drummer Rickky Rockett and rapper Coolio.

Based on that crew we realized why you want to put yourself in the seat "only once."

But we digress.

Hummer started life as a tool of war-- Desert Storm, or as they say in Hollywood, the war Oliver Stone somehow missed.

The two heroes of that Persian Gulf War, of course, were Norman Schwarzkopf and the Hummer, though only Schwarzkopf got interviewed by Barbara Walters.

Based on Humvee's renown in serving our troops, AM General decided to build a civilian version in which the camouflage exterior was covered in red or yellow or some other such alluring paint finish. Oh, and add a radio.

Hummer comes as two-door hardtop, four-door hardtop, four-door open top and four-door hardtop wagon. We tested the latter.

The first thing we noticed when the Hummer arrived is that it filled the driveway. The second thing we noticed is that it fills the lane of the highway, too. Hummer is 6 feet wide and 6 feet tall.

One disadvantage of a 6-foot wide vehicle is that you need to equip yourself and your front-seat passenger with cell phones to converse because you can barely see your companion.

Our Hummer came with a 6.5-liter, 195-horsepower, turbo diesel V-8. If this is the powerplant used in the Gulf War, we know why Saddam lost: His troops went deaf from all the commotion from the Hummers. Hard to fight a war when you must stop and ask, "Say what?"

Though 6 feet wide and 6 feet tall and looking as if the entire U.S. military could fit inside, Hummer offers scant interior room and even less comfort.

Upfront there is a driver's seat on the far left, a passenger's seat on the far right. In back there is a passenger's seat behind the driver and a passenger's seat behind the front passenger. You sit compartmentalized with little room to wander or maneuver. Perhaps it's the military heritage of this machine, but you will be forced to sit "at attention."

Why only room for four? Between the seats there's a huge carpeted platform that hides powertrain essentials underneath.

In back there is a large flat floor bordered by raised ledges. You can lay groceries, golf clubs or a few rocket launchers on the floor and tiny passengers can sit on the ledges to devour the groceries, step all over your golf clubs and use the rocket launchers to ensure no one, but no one, passes you on the interstate.

With four-wheel-drive, 16-inch ground clearance, 30-inch fording depth and the ability to climb a 31-degree grade or ride sideways along a 22 degree slope, Hummer is a go-anywhere, anytime vehicle.

We didn't find any place to ford 30 inches or climb 22 to 31 degrees in our test drive, so we'll have to take AM General's word on it.

Although it's a go-anywhere machine, there are a few things that reality prevents you from accomplishing in a Hummer. One is parallel parking; another is slipping between those two Yuppiemobiles in front of the bagel store. Of course, when in a 6-foot wide, 6-foot tall, 7,000-pound vehicle that can hold a box of surface-to-air missiles, you pretty well can make your own parking spot.

There are a few other negatives, such as a roof line that allows decent headroom inside, but which sits so low that when idling at the stoplight, you have to lean over and peek up to see when red gives way to green.