The Thaw Before The Spring

From January to September, the light lasts a little longer each day.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Sorcery, Wizards and Wild Love

The weeks have turned into comets, and the days into shooting stars. Effervescent flicks of light spit and spark across the sky of my yearning, and I continue to push on. I stretch for the hoop of meaning, and my right arm back to dunk my soul as hard as I possibly can - but I am here.

In mid air. Frozen. But slightly hovering. Inching closer to the precipice of the rim.

As I sit here, in the hallowed halls of my dad's tax office, I realize that my past few 2-3 years have been more full of life-experience than the previous 13.

Drivin'. Traveling. Lumbering. Taxing. Musicking. Truckin'. Workin' like a fiend. I have less time to write than I ever did. I am happy, and I sleep soundly most nights. I rise early and I try to hit the sheets the same way. And I have a companion who has brought me more joy than I've ever known with another person - and that is no bullshit offering, right there. Yes - it is scary to make that public, but this life is too unpredictable and far too short to leave actual, true love undeclared. And I truly do declare that I am very much in love with JM.

But enough with the feels.

On a more mortal note, never, in my 39 year existence, have I been more aware of the fact that I'm going to die.

But that may be a good thing - track with me, here.

I've been thinking about guarantees - like the ones that car dealerships are always offering on TV or radio (especially these days). But there always seem to be a million tiny loopholes and opt-outs that allow the onus to always be on the buyer. We are the buyers. The dealers disappear faster than bullets. And so I ask - what guarantees are really real? Because when you get right to the base of the issue - past the empty ashes of the burning fire - what guarantees do ANY of us truly have?

You have a great job with excellent benefits and salary? You could get fired.

You're a picture of health? You could get sick.

You've carved out a nice little life on a mountainside ranch? You will die.

Harsh, right?

But beyond that chilling, empty, ghost-shell of a thought, there is meat. There is substance. And so many telling and valid colour-rich hyper-vivid moments are just waiting to be uncovered by us.

Once you get to that somewhat horrific and jarring realization that there are absolutely no guarantees in this life, you can start to do the real work. You see people for who they are. You worry less about pleasing everyone and take care of number one (you). You become more present in your focus. Fully emerged into a conversation and actions. You can really love others around you - with reckless abandon - and say the things you've always wanted to say. And maybe - just maybe - we can be calm enough to quell all of the voices and yearn and connect with a higher power, or something beyond ourselves.

Or maybe not.

But at the very least, once you pass that realization, you can be truly 'shit-less' in the 'giving' department - and you can just be you.

I'm trying to get there. And I feel like I'm closer than I've ever been.