in-laws

January 20, 2015

I had all weekend and today off work, thanks to some schedule-juggling on my part, with the idea in mind that we'd make a trip up to the Arctic Tundra. Hotter hasn't seen his mom in ages, and I worry that something will happen to her and he'll end up resenting me. We were all set to go, and then suddenly he changed his mind. Which put me in an awkward position, because I would rather have done ANYTHING else than drive six hours to spend three days driving long distances in an iffy vehicle, eating out of a cooler (being gluten-free plus Hotter's mom being broke and funny about food to begin with would mean taking our own food with us), freezing my arse off (they have oil heat and can't afford to keep it turned up very high), sneezing (indoor cats), and listening to Poppy and MFA Kitty (who would've had to come with us--Bumpus could stay with The XY and the boys) yowl in their respective crates. Anything, that is, besides have the fight Hotter and I will probably have if/when something happens to his mom. So there was some back and forth, but eventually we stayed home.

Once the decision to stay or go was past us, the weekend was delightful. We napped a lot, and went out for barbecue, shopped for new flannel sheets, and napped some more.

September 28, 2014

I'd had a really good day at work. Business was steady, money was decent, banter with co-workers and guests alike was pleasant, and I didn't have any comps, voids, or problem tables. I didn't feel overwhelmed or unprepared once, and was able to support some co-workers when they were in that position and contribute to our success as a team instead of being the one leaning on others, which was a good feeling. I really love working at "Eclecstasy!" After work I stopped at Trader Joe's and got some Ahi steaks and lovely fresh asparagus, and I came home ready to cook a celebratory dinner with Hotter, because The Situation aside, the past week had been full of win (progress on addressing The Situation! A speedy and FREE resolution to the problems my left front crown had been giving me for months! Street-legal vehicle! WHOO!).

Unfortunately, yesterday was also Lefty's birthday, and I did my duty in reminding Hotter to call him, and after Lefty not answering his phone or responding to Hotter's text Hotter received a text from The Wrath ALSO reminding him about Lefty's birthday and finally did get in touch. Apparently Lefty had been "working" with his stepfather, who last we'd heard about it Lefty hated. Lefty explained to Hotter that really their problems had stemmed from the fact that while Lefty was using, his stepfather had tended to catch the brunt of Lefty's mother's feelings over at all, but they talked and worked things out and now the stepfather was the only step-parent Lefty liked. I guess Hotter then asked what was up with that, and apparently Lefty is mad at me for preventing Hotter from drinking after him when Lefty had active Hepatitis during the worst of his heroin-fueled shenanigans five or six years ago.

I. Went. OFF.

Apparently I have no right to feel the way I do, but I kind of feel like Lefty doesn't get to be mad at me for protecting Hotter (who is immune-suppressed due to his transplants) from diseases Lefty picked up via needle. The first years of Hotter's and my relationship were majorly overshadowed by Lefty's drug usage. Weekends were put off or rescheduled if he was expected to be arrested or had a court date, the timing of our wedding was planned around first his eighteenth birthday and then his incarceration schedule, his needs have contributed to some of Hotter's and my worst fights as a married couple...I realize that it's Hotter and not Lefty I am actually mad at, here. It's Hotter's handling of Lefty's bullshit that has been hard on me more than it's been Lefty's actual bullshit. I get all of that. But the unfairness of Lefty's remark about how he and his OTHER step-parent were cool now that Lefty understood his bullshit had made the other step-parent's life hard set me off. It brought every feeling of being unfairly picked on by the universe I have (and there are a LOT of those feelings in my head) screaming to the forefront, and instead of having a nice evening with Hotter I ended up drinking a LOT of wine, rage-cooking a lovely meal that we ate in silence, rage-cleaning the rabbit pens, and being told that I was ruining our child-free weekend.

And then I woke up at four a.m. scratching myself raw because I was covered from head to toe in huge, angry hives. It actually looked less like hives and more like I had a total-body sunburn with occasional white speckling. I was THISCLOSE to going to the emergency room and begging for steroids, and health insurance and money be damned, but finally after I took WAY more Benadryl than is generally recommended and spent half an hour shivering in a cool shower things settled down. I hadn't eaten anything new or unusual, the pattern of the hives didn't point toward a contact reaction of any kind (they were everywhere, not just on exposed skin), there are no new soaps, lotions, or detergents in my life...I kind of think it was stress. My body has this way of taking me out at the knees when I'm trying to get through some shit; my long-time therapist of many years ago suggested that since I shrink from strong displays of negative emotions they find a way to manifest in the physical, and I certainly have a lot of negative emotions right now. The Situation has the potential to wreck every single aspect of my existence, and renders problems with teeth and cars and money and even in-laws laughable by comparison, but that doesn't mean that those other things don't suck, too, and I'm tired of coping.

The problem with that, of course, is that I don't really have any other option right now.

July 24, 2014

Hotter talked to his mom today, and apparently things up in the Arctic Tundra are not so good. The Wrath lost her job a couple of months ago and has been collecting unemployment while looking for another one, but the job market is grim in general, and especially for someone who is pushing eighty and doesn't own a car. Plus Lefty is out of jail (WHY? WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE FELONIES?) and I'm sure that's expensive for The Wrath, since she can't say no to him. My brother-in-law, Loud and Crazy, who lives off with her, has apparently started to panic that they will lose her their house and be out on the street. I'm not sure how likely that actually is, although it's certainly a possibility since Lefty drained her retirement account via a checkbook he stole (she never pressed charges because he's FAMILY and so the money is gone) and unemployment doesn't last forever. What I wasn't expecting to hear was that Hotter had assured The Wrath that she AND HER THREE CATS could always come and live with us. I just...in THEORY I am not ENTIRELY against this; The Wrath is good people, she's Hotter's mom, and she has helped us out before. I certainly wouldn't turn her away if she had no other option. But we are already five people in 1,200 square feet sharing one bathroom (and one breadwinner, who is allergic to cats with fur). There would need to be some very firm boundaries (i.e. This Is How Much You Contribute To The Household Bills From Your Pension Without Exception, Absolutely No More Animals, Lefty Isn't Allowed Here) that would, in and of themselves, probably be dealbreakers on her end (plus she doesn't want to live in The South). And even then it would be A LOT. By which I mean I am 90% sure it would break me, or at the very least my marriage. So that's swell.

In other news I have a job interview tomorrow for a position I don't exactly love the thought of, but I'd like to have a second job lined up just in case things go south at The Ritzier (Drunk Boss being gone is fabulous, yes, but we don't know who will be replacing him and it's possible the New Boss will be just as bad or even worse so I'm not letting my guard down or celebrating anything just yet).

June 17, 2013

* From what I could tell, the second interview this morning went well. They're going to run a criminal background check and talk to my references, and make a decision hopefully by the end of this week. A friend has shared that in her experience this usually means the job is yours unless you are a felon, and since I am not a felon I am cautiously optimistic.

* I have not made a final decision re: Pristiq vs. Effexor yet. My online research has revealed that Pristiq has the same active ingredient as Effexor, but Effexor contains some other additional "stuff" (possibly inert ingredients?) that seems to heighten the incidence of side effects. Hotter spoke to his mother yesterday and apparently asked her to help us out with this, which I have...let's go with "mixed feelings"...about since I don't know that she can afford to do that. Either way I really don't want to pay as much out of pocket as Pristiq costs, particularly when we need that money so badly for other bills. I have reached out to Anthem to see what my options are for short-term individual coverage in the meantime; if their website is to be believed that may cost about the same as a one-month supply of Pristiq would out of pocket, in which case obviously acquiring health insurance would be the way to go with this and also take care of most of the cost of the prescription. If not then I'm back to making a tough call. Feel free to weigh on on Pristiq vs. Effexor in the interim if you have any experience with either drug and/or switching between the two.

* Thank you for your kind words, both here and on the facespace/via e-mail, about The Narcissist's passing, and I'm sorry to hear that so many of you also have a narcissist in your family tree.

* As part of my duties for Temp Agency #2, I recently helped a client make restaurant reservations and came across this place's website in the process. The image of the roasted bird (it looks kind of small for a chicken; I'm thinking that if they're serving it this way it's most likely a Cornish game hen) on the front page has been haunting me ever since. WHY ARE THE FEET STILL ATTACHED? I don't see how this sight on their plate would enhance anyone's dining experience, and more importantly THEY SCRATCH IN POO WITH THOSE THINGS. Gahhh!

* I am now within five pounds of my goal weight, which is exciting. I woke up yesterday to find my scale broken (nobody will fess up, naturally) and was seriously bummed as I am looking forward to seeing confirmation of having finally reached my goal, but it still works for weight, just not bodyfat and water percentages. That's fine with me; I don't use the other functions much anyway (I kind of doubt they're very accurate).

* How are all of YOU? I am super-busy working for Temp Agency #2 as much as I am able to in an effort to keep us afloat over here. I hope your Monday is going well.

ETA: Oh my gentle Jesus, y'all. If you think that I am a big lying scammer who lies on the innernet and scams people for bad fun and profit, please do us both a favor and do not e-mail me offering to help me in any way. Just...yeah. Please don't do that. I now have someone who I thought was a friend accusing me of of either being the unluckiest person alive or having a "huge imagination," based largely on their assertion that pre-existing condition rules have changed and there is no longer a 60-day rule. I was basing my knowledge of pre-existing condition rules in the health insurance industry on information I got from Anthem the last time I shopped for individual coverage with them during The Great Health Insurance Clusterfuck of '11, referenced here and in numerous other posts from the same time period. Apparently (maybe? I don't know but I have already e-mailed Anthem to ask for some quotes and will definitely ask whoever I speak with when someone gets back to me on that) that rule is no longer in effect. I don't know. I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, so please don't base any health insurance decisions of your own on anything I've said on here or decide based on my ignorance of health insurance laws that I'm full of it. Or go ahead, if that's your thing, hell, I don't even know what to say. Also, please don't base your understanding of how Pristiq works on what I have shared here. I'm aware it's not supposed to even start to wear off within one day. I've said as much. Pristiq (apparently, according to one of the several scathing e-mails I have received over the past twenty-four hours from the same party) is not a treatment for OCD. I have never been diagnosed with OCD, which is why I used the phrase "OCD tendencies." My treating physician has theorized that they may be a way that I manifest anxiety, and Pristiq does treat that, so maybe that is why it works for me? I don't know. Your mileage may vary. This message may self-destruct.

ETA (again): Well okay nevermind, I think the person I mentioned above is just afflicted with their very own dose of The Crazy. Because now they're going off on me for things like my non-belief in a higher power, which...I don't even know what to do with that. Oh, and also claiming that the standardized tests in my state have not been graded and there is no such award as the one I mentioned Big Child receiving. Which good grief, I didn't mention the name of the award because I AM PSEUDONYMOUS, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, and yes, actually those tests HAVE been graded (and I sent them a link to an article about the preliminary results). I'm not going to waste any more time that would better be spent working for Temp Agency #2 on this nut-job, and have set gmail to direct any further craziness from them straight to the trash without even showing it to me. Carry on.

May 12, 2013

I did not even PRETEND to like my step-son's last major girlfriend, Pedophyllis. They broke up shortly after announcing their engagement, and now he has a new one, who is at least his age. Hotter and I were poking around on the Facespace today trying to figure out when Lefty is due to get out of jail (yes, that's about the most reliable means of finding out such things at our disposal, since The Wrath threw him out of the house shortly before his incarceration and he doesn't have his own phone), and I saw where The New Girl had posted a picture of a Holocaust survivor on Lefty's timeline with the words "I want to make a lampshade out of your skin, because you light up my life" emblazoned across it.

March 15, 2013

* What the HELL, Google? What happened to "don't be evil?" TAKING GOOGLE READER AWAY IS PRETTY FUCKING EVIL.

* I hate it when the XY has to pay child support on a Friday. Because he hands the check over AFTER banks are closed, and then I either have to get up super-early on a Saturday to cash and then deposit the check, or not write any checks Thursday or Friday and be okay with waiting until Tuesday or so to buy groceries (not this week). Yes, he could make my life easier by paying in cash or certified funds, but why WOULD he?

* I have been eating...a lot. No DietBet ongoing plus feelings plus living with a chef plus working with a chef equals FATTY FATTY NECK-ROLL! That all stops now though, because I rolled my DietBet winnings into a new game. You can join us, if you like.

* Work, drama, rinse, repeat, blahhhh.

* What is it with boys and...unwholesome...choices in pets? Little Child has been pining for a pet that he can interact with (since Iden the killer-bunny is a carnivorous bitch). His first choice was a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. NOOOOOOOOOOO DEAR GOD NO NOT JUST NO BUT FUCK YOU AND NEVER GAHHHHH!!! Hotter foolishly pointed out that they are cheap to feed and harmless, and I suggested that he move back in with his mother and take Little Child and any hypothetical hissing cockroach (seriously, who hears "hissing cockroach" and WANTS ONE?) with him, because OBVIOUSLY. JESUS. Unbeknownst to Little Child, Hotter and I will be spending Sunday morning picking up his SECOND choice of vile familiar. I am...not enthused about this creature. Apparently it will fill a terrifyingly-shaped hole in Little Child's boyish heart, however, and it doesn't have six legs, so I will be thankful for small mercies and clear a spot for its' cage in the den. Photos to come!

* It's beautiful outside, but too wet to garden, still. I think all of the seeds I previously planted drowned in the ground, which may be just as well as I forgot my self-imposed ban on drunk-planting and may not have planned or spaced things correctly, but STILL.

* I have definitely caught Middle Child's Sickness of Filth, and it is definitely a virus. Because he still sounds every bit as revolting after two days on a strong antibiotic as he ever did, and the symptoms are identical, and the drops haven't helped my eyes a bit either. Booooo, virus. Boo. And I have to work until midnight. FANCY!

March 5, 2013

* I started today off by getting screamed at over the phone by my ex-husband. It was like being magically transported back to 2003. Then my CURRENT husband gave me grief for even talking to the ex about morning child-care relating to the neurology appointment, and I was all "phew, it's 2013 after all!"

* The neurologist was pleased with how Hotter looked, but less so with the fact that he had a seizure. After examining Hotter and asking a few questions he pretty much agreed with me that all-night gaming is unwise for people who are prone to seizures, and ditto drinking nothing but coffee. "Stop giving her ammunition!" Hotter grumbled. "She's right, though," said the neurologist. I love Hotter's neurologist.

* On the way home I was treated to both "you're not my mother!" AND grief over in-laws. Apparently if I don't give a shit about the in-laws I'm a heartless and damaged person who doesn't understand family, and if I DO give a shit about in-laws it's "creepy." If I point out any kind of hypocrisy inherent in a potentially marriage-ending fight over in-laws originating from a person who doesn't even care to CALL his elderly mother and says he's sure someone ELSE would call HIM if she was DEAD, then we weren't really fighting over in-laws, we were fighting over how I am JUST LIKE MY EX-HUSBAND.

* I...should just shut up now, probably. Hotter's okay. I'm going to take a nap and see if that'll hit "reset" on this day, because so far I'm not impressed.

February 28, 2013

Things with Hotter are good. VERY good, actually. We had a nice day of snuggling, make-up sex, coffee together, and a nice family dinner.

I just wish I believed it'll last.

See, the entire fight that precipitated the recent discord was due to lack of money. Specifically, I broke down and confessed that I hated how money was making me extra-terrified of something happening to a member of his family (entirely possible given risk factors such as age and heroin addiction), for the simple reason that I couldn't afford to get him to and from The Arctic Tundra.

Here's the thing though: we get Hotter's disability payment and the first of March's child support tomorrow and after rent, the phone bill, a tank of gas for the car, a new Betta fish for Little Child (the old one died) plus water conditioner to hopefully help this one live longer, a bag of potting soil to start seeds with and a payment toward Hotter's credit card, all that's left is $69. And that has to last for a week of near-daily milk purchases, coffee (because if Hotter is out of coffee EVERYONE SUFFERS), dinners, field trip money, prescriptions...hopefully I'll make cash tips here and there because for a family of five to survive on $69 for a week is...optimistic, at best.

Meanwhile, I really need some new lenses for my glasses, Hotter still needs dental work, we have to buy a "super" for the bees to fill with honey sooner rather than later, Little Child needs a twin bed, Hotter needs glasses, Little Child needs glasses, we owe on Hotter's credit card...

So yeah, I don't see that $200 materializing any time soon, and it's still pretty likely that something will happen to either Hotter's mother or son and I won't be able to afford travel. Only instead of just the fury over that, I'll also have the fury of "YOU PROMISED!" to deal with. And then there's the emotional fallout of feeling like love comes at a literal price around here.

This kind of makes me want to curl up and die. After my first in-law experience with the XY's family I swore that in future relationships I would be like the Pony Express: ORPHANS ONLY! I should have stuck to it, or maybe just gotten a dog instead of remarrying in the first place.

February 21, 2013

* The bills are paid but the checking account is in the red; I never seem to forecast things correctly, fail to wait on what can wait, and it bites me in the ass. Part of this is lousy math skills, part of it is idiotic optimism, part of it is just life. I'm sure the ADD doesn't help. But my next check will cover everything and have a little left over, which is enough for me for the moment.

* It's not enough for Hotter, who I think has started to see me as a walking dollar sign, with the balance on my forehead dipping disgustingly every time I selfishly buy something that is just for me either because no one else wants it, or because I keep it for my own. I do this for myself occasionally, get me a little treat to make life temporarily enjoyable, and I feel like it's allowed. Thank goodness I've reached a point of not letting someone else's disapproval ruin the scant few pleasures in my existence, because it sucks more than usual right now.

* I think I had invested too much of myself in my marriage. I guess I was guilty of something I rarely hesitate to poke fun at in others: I started to see Hotter's and my love as somehow greater than what most people shared with another human being, as A Wonderful Story, as something timeless and epic and lots of other Lifetime Movie Channel buzzwords (do you kids still have that channel?). It's not. It's really a very ordinary cleaving together of everyday losers.It's like a pair of work-pants you buy at Goodwill; it serves the purpose but nobody envies you over it. And that's fine. So what if it wasn't such a hot bargain; I have it now and it gets the job done, and at the end of the day I'll wash it and wear it again. Whatever.

* Food, y'all, I just don't even know. My eczema is flaring and I'm itchy quite often. Honestly I could use a go-round with a competent allergist, but failing the time and money for such a thing, I think I'll have to try going off dairy. Which: noooooo. But hey, I bet I'll lose even MORE weight!

* Work is still wall-to-wall bullshit. I, however, have ceased to care. I am one of the Little People, and things change very little for us even if there's a shakeup at the top of the food-chain. I have adopted a few lines of Virginia Woolf's Professions For Women as my personal motto at work and in general of late, those having to do with The Angel in The House. Yesterday I got a raise, so I think it's working (yeahhhhh suck it, all of you who still sell your souls for LESS than a $0.20/hr increase!).

* I really, really, REALLY want another tattoo. But of course it'll have to wait. Which means that I'll be really, really sure when the time comes, so that's all to the good.

* How are all of YOU? In case you couldn't tell I am desperately unhappy at the moment, but I'm sure it will pass. ONWARD!

January 1, 2013

* I celebrated New Year's Eve by coming down with a fresh cold (Hotter: "Seriously, DO you have an official immune deficiency diagnosis you forgot to tell me about?"). I still have it (the cold--I do NOT have any sort of immune deficiency that I am aware of), but am not blaming that on 2013.

* My lungs, however, are holding their own so far.

* The kids got back from their holiday visit with their father full of tales of visiting with That Insane Relative of Their Father's and "going to Red Robin and getting to order WHATEVER WE WANTED, EVEN EXPENSIVE THINGS!" I...yeah.

* Hotter and I are good again. I still don't think he fully understands just how much I hate Co-Dependency: The Blame Game, but he at least gets that I REFUSE TO PLAY THAT OR ENGAGE AS A SPECTATOR and as long as he remembers that we'll be okay.

* I got some troubling news at work (Job #1) having to do with our location maintaining its franchise status (or possibly, uh, not)...this could result in some employment upheaval toward the end of the year, and well, SHIT.

* Our innernet is working! This post is not Sent From The Precious! The innernet here has been up and down for months, and was totally down for three days then just now started working. Probably because another technician is coming out tomorrow. But hey, INNERNET! I'm going to go and make sweet, sweet love to the connection while it lasts.