Category Archives: Seriously?

So, Dustin got an iPhone a few weeks ago. The one person in the world wide world who doesn’t even have his own email address or twitter, and refuses to join Facebook.

Which is probably a good thing, lest he see all the 19 year old guy “friends” I have on there.

Anyway, holy shit. A cool piece of technology the iPhone is. You can like, download games and stuff. (WOW!)

He is constantly poking fun at my blackberry. Which isn’t cool since he couldn’t even figure out how to turn my phone on if he tried. Also, news flash, Dustin. Cell phones have had games since like for.e.ver. I’m still the Bejeweled Champion of Western Canada. Eat it.

We MUST take 13698 videos of her a day. Mostly of her waving at the camera. And then we MUST watch them all. 42862 times. Its a wonderful parenting tool, but I worry.

I hope she isn’t going to be one of those girls who needs to look in every single mirror she walks by, or takes out her compact when her BFF is crying a river so she can inspect her eyeliner.

I beat the shit out of those girls in high school.

Ok, I was one of those girls.

Regardless, its pretty handy to have an iPhone.

Need to take a poo uninterrupted? Let her watch herself on the iPhone. Trying to eat a civilized meal in a restaurant but your kid is throwing forks at the waitress like a professional dart player? Let her watch herself on the iPhone. Need to dry shave your armpits because people are coming over and you just caught a glance in the reflection in the front entrance door and thought there was a small african family hiding out in your armpits and you don’t have time to shower again but your kid is pulling your pants down asking for something indecipherable and you just realized youre standing in front of your windows with said pants now around your ankles and oh fuck here comes the mailman? Let your kid watch herself on the iPhone.

Thank you, iPhone, for all of your co parenting help. High fives all around.

So, Lily is passed out beside me as I type this. In our bed. Hogging my body pillow that I can’t sleep without, that I sleep with every night since I became pregnant with Lily. I kinda want to pull it out from under her head. I totally would if it was Dustin hogging it. That’s how I roll.

The “sleep, and stay asleep in your own bed” thing isn’t really working out for us.
The thing is, I love sleep. And I can’t sleep when she’s screaming MOMMYS BED at two am. Which results in either Dustin or I lifting her up and putting her inbetween us when she comes half sleep walking into our room.
It doesn’t help that she is warm and cuddly, and that her hair smells so good. I sniff her a lot.

She will nap in her own bed.
But like clock work, everynight around midnight, she’s up and wants to be in our bed.

I fear she will be sleeping inbetween us at age nineteen, and ill still be smushed up against the wall with a foot in my back. By then ill probably have a permanent foot indent mark.

“Oh that? That’s just my disfigured back because I’m a shit parent who can’t figure out why my kid won’t stay in her own bed.”

Ill probably get a humpback and be forced to live in a tower.

Hopefully Lily will still want to cuddle me then….

Following photo taken after she rolled over and before I snatched my rightful body pillow away from her.

It’s working! Going to the gym is working! Last night I wore a tank top to the gym and as I was going through my arms workout I was seeing MUSCLES in the mirror. Muscles! And the jiggly arm is on its way out! Well, hopefully. Although I am sure a little jiggle is going to remain. A little jiggle is alright. Earth quakes as I wave to someone are not. Jiggly Arm Syndrome (Or, JNS.) Stop The Pandemic.
We have been eating pretty good also, if I do say so myself. I have been (for the most part) making nutritional, homemade dinners every night. Besides that one time last week we had pizza. Oh……fuck. And we had McDonald’s on Sunday night. BUT I did find this new machine at the gym…and I can burn 350 calories in FIFTEEN MINUTES. Take that, bubble butt and supersize fries.
And good lord, the ladies at the gym. Some of them look like they haven’t eaten a double cheeseburger – ever. Some of them look like they would kick my ass in about 3 seconds. Some of them wear clothes to the gym that are SCARIER than this ensemble, if you can imagine.

Some of them can run for an hour on the treadmill and not sweat an ounce, stepping off the machine with a full face of make up and their iPod’s blaring “MY HUMPS! MY HUMPS MY HUMPS MY HUMPS!”
Meanwhile I’m usually looking like I just came out of a dunk tank after ten minutes on the elliptical and panting like I’ve just run the NYC marathon. And groaning like I just finished three Big Mac’s.

So, the gypsys are at it again. Seriously. Actually the government is hot on our trail so its time we pack up again and find a new home.
Wouldn’t that be FUN if my life was that interesting?? The sad truth is, we are running out of space here. And I desperately want a yard for Lillienne. Somewhere we can learn the names of plants and catch grasshoppers and have a little swing set. And one of those little kiddie pools I can sit in and tan in and drink in. Kidding!…Ok I am so not kidding.
I can’t wait to have a bigger dining room, two more bedrooms, an extra bathroom, a finished basement, a yard and a garage. Oh, and a soaker tub. Swoon!! Were moving at the end of June which is going to be the mother of all gong shows since I am at a 3 day wedding event working and Dustin is going to have to juggle moving everything plus somehow watching Lillienne unless someone in my family can watch her. I am sad because I LOVE living downtown but we’re only moving about a five-minute car ride away so everything I love about living downtown will still be close and even within walking distance. Unfortunately we’re not buying our own home yet, but in less than a year this is our goal.
After the big move is the July long weekend and we’re heading to a couple different lakes to spend some time away from the city and with our families, and we have a new niece to welcome to the world so I am quite excited about that. Everyone loves a new baby! YUM.

Something is wrong. Horrible wrong. It’s not supposed to be like that. But it is, and it’s time to face the music. This has to change. I want my old life back. Where I don’t feel nauseous after eating meat. The life where I don’t have the poops everyday. What is wrong with me? Why does it feel like I have the eternal flu- coming out of my bum? And it seems to only happen when I eat meat, or chicken. I think fish might be safe, but you can never trust the slippery little things.
Today marks Day 1 of VEGGIE INTERVENTION. I have do it. I’m sick of feeling like crap everyday. I’m going to cut out the meat and see what happens. And you probably think I was the hugest meat-eater, eating large amounts daily and whittling down my chicken wing bones with my teeth. Truthfully, I can barely handle meat now as it it. Every since becoming pregnant with Lillienne, I can barely eat chicken. And please don’t ask me to touch it for more than the 1 second it takes to toss if from styrofoam tray from Sobeys to a glass baking dish, because the look, the smell and the feel of raw chicken makes me want to vomit. Still. And cooked chicken isn’t much more appetizing, all I can think about it the bones and skin and veins (Dont even get me started on “There’s still so much meat left on your chicken bones!”)….and my fear/hatred of eggs was also born around the pregnancy time as well. I do not enjoy eggs either. Give me a steak and I will eat that if it’s cooked to my liking (med. rare) but if there’s fat or gristle or it’s not done how I like it, I don’t enjoy it. Pork chops have been off my list since high school when we seemed to eat pork chops every night, and now it’s hard for me to eat 1/3 of a chop. Am I turning into a meat snob? Is my body trying to say “Stay away from that stuff! You’ll regret it later! Besides you think baby cows, pigs and chicks are cuuuute”. And I do, totally. But this isn’t why I’m going to try vegging out for a while. It’s because I want to feel normal again, and wonder if this is the way to go.

The past few days have been about vomiting, diarrhea, pedialyte, a trip to the ER and laundry. Dustin, Lillienne and I have been sick with the flu, and the laundry hamper smells like throw up. We’ve gone through 37972 diapers, 10 cartons of wipes, two flats of toilet paper and a keg of gingerale. One sick baby with two exhausted sick parents, toss in seventeen minutes of sleep in 4 days and an always occupied toilet and WELCOME TO THE FUN HOUSE!!!

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I'm Sarah, and this is my blog. I write about everything and anything, so if reading about explosive shitty diapers, 321798 way to make chicken and me generally doing my thang isn't your cup of tea, ye be warned. I enjoy carbohydrates, swearing, photography, and peace on Earth- goodwill to men.