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Personally, I can’t take the pressure. It was bad enough when our parents, aunts, and uncles began to join. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I still manage to forget they’re in my contacts and I say something wildly inappropriate only to be scolded seconds later. Then all these apps and games and silly questionnaires came through and all the sudden I’m forced to virtually break up with my friend because she won’t stop telling me to water her virtual crops. Sure, I could just weed through my privacy settings and try to block app invites, but if my friend is the kind of person that constantly bugs me to water her fake crops, do I really want to be her friend anymore?

These are the sorts of hard-hitting questions I’m faced with every time Facebook ‘upgrades’.

Things got even more intense when Facebook leveled-up to real-time updates so that when you stare at your mini-feed you can actually see someone’s comment post at the very moment they do it. And now, the ultimate mega stresser: Facebook chat.

It could be the super awkward hermit in me, but the chat is where I draw the line. The beauty of Facebook used to be that it was casual and cool. People could post on each other’s walls at their leisure. In a world where the weight of a cell phone text or an email is so heavy that people expect a response immediately, Facebook was the one place I could still go if I wanted to socialize at a relaxed pace.

Facebook relaxation is now dead to me.

When I log on, I have updates that need tended to. I have people commenting on pictures or saying hello or writing on my wall to ask me to hang out that same day. I have messages from friends who haven’t caught up in a while and think email is too impersonal. And sometimes while I’m tending to those things, someone is online at the very same moment and responds immediately. Immediately! Then there’s all this pressure. Do I have to follow up? Can I go log off? They’re on. They see me. They know I updated only 5 seconds ago; it’s stamped right there in cold, gray text. I can’t possibly just leave – I have to finish the conversation.

I also have to manage my status updates. Because if I tell a friend I’m too busy to hang out one night but I update my status at 8:35pm saying how much I love Arrested Development, it’s voluntary incrimination. It doesn’t matter if it’s on in the background while I’m working. It doesn’t matter if I thought of a funny episode and it wasn’t even on television. That friendship is doomed.

Doomed.

Don’t even get me started on birthdays and engagements. Talk about stress! Seriously?! Every year on my birthday I have to be wished a happy birthday by hundreds of people I haven’t talked to in ages. On one hand, it’s nice to feel loved. On the other, you know that if any of those people really cared about your birthday they’d have called. Or written. Or emailed. And now I feel inclined to follow up with them to see how they are, but I don’t know if they were really reaching out or if they just wanted to hop on the birthday bandwagon.

I don’t even recognize some of their names.

I’m not the only one who feels this pressure. I know it. Because not long ago, some dear friends of mine got engaged. And while I was relishing in the happy moment with them, they admitted that they were quite exhausted because they had to be sure to call every single person that was even remotely close to them to let them know they were engaged before those people saw it on Facebook and got offended that they found out online and not from them.

You see? What are we doing to ourselves?!

So no, Facebook, I will not be utilizing your ‘Facebook Chat’. The last thing I need in this too-accessible age is to log on and be immediately available to a thousand people, try to figure out how to end conversations with everyone because I don’t want to deal with them, and then worry about what to update my status to that will be amusing but also not indicate that I was having too much ‘not-too-busy-to-chat’ fun.

505 Responses to “Facebook: A New Frontier in Social Awkwardness”

lol! I so love your post! I know how you’re feeling. There was a time that I deactivated my account for the same reasons that you posted. Good thing you can choose not to log in to the chat. A friend of mine also taught me that you can choose to stay invisible to some users while remaining visible to some. 😉 It is indeed a Facebooked world that makes you scream for privacy at times.

Although I’m sure many people have said it before this, I know exactly what you’re talking about! The immediate updates really have frustrated me! Whenever someone responds within seconds of my post I think of two things to decide to respond: do I want to talk to them right now (selfish, I know) and if I don’t talk to them right now will they be upset? If I say no to the first but yes to the second I always make sure to respond with a “I’m busy now, but I’ll call you tomorrow!” just so they know I’m not ignoring them!

I use the Facebook app on my iphone and it’s pretty neat. I am able to conveniently post and exit without actually getting caught up with anything i don’t want to do. I do avoid the actual Facebook experience on my computer though because the whole scene is so awkward and boring.

I’m usually in a dilemma with fb chat. There are some people who I really love chatting to (school friends, etc.) so should I stay “available for chat”?
But on the other hand, there are some people who I feel so awkward talking to… or rather fb chatting to! So I’m really stuck there. I don’t go on facebook much anyway. i’m just on it because people bug me if I delete the account.

ugh I know. Mafia Wars, Diner stuff, farms, establishments of all types. It’s unfortunate that the programmers of those games designed it so that in order to progress, you need to infect your friends with the bug as well. Boo I say!

I’d much rather do messages and wash my hands of the chat. People can poke me, message me, write on my wall, comment on a photo, reply to a status update – I don’t need to be on chat for them to have an excuse to look me up. Right? Right. 🙂

Very true! And it IS good when you remember you met someone somewhere but don’t have their contact info and need to ask them a question – or when you’re really hoping to reconnect with a long lost friend of the past. It’s just these newfangled rules I can’t handle 🙂

The great thing about Facebook and other social media is that it is NOT the same as a phone call. You can ignore whatever your choose to whenever you chose to and there its no reason to feel bad about it. If going out that evening were really important that person would have called or texted you. If they didn’t it probably shouldn’t matter if you ignore them. If they didn’t have your number then you probably don’t care anyways.

Most of the people I’m “friends” with on Facebook are merely acquaintances. Not friends. Be honest with yourself about the relationship you have with those people and then act accordingly.

I need to mull over this a few times. I’d love to go about it this way, but I really feel like folks expect more of me than casual interaction on Facebook. I’ve had friends give others a hard time because they didn’t get back to them in a message but they updated on their wall. So silly, yes, but at the same time, new interactions bring on a new set of etiquette.

Or I could just claim that what you said is word and live by it. I’d much prefer that 🙂

Whoa! I though I’m the only one who feel this kinda social awkwardness on social network. Plus, I often feel annoyed reading some of my friends’ updated status/share or when one or more of them start to have a debate or quarrel. It makes my head aches reading those unnecessary things.

“try to figure out how to end conversations with everyone because I don’t want to deal with them,” Yeah me too. I never make my Facebook Chat online simply because I don’t really want to chat with all of those people I don’t feel like to talk to. I set my wall to private tho I make the commentary available. I mean like, I prefer using the private message instead.

Apparently we’re not alone – check out all these heated folks! And ugh to the facebook quarrels. I don’t mind good discussion and the sharing of ideas but petty arguments are just stupid. and public. and awkward.

When my sister got pregnant she announced it on facebook and my oldest sister, who lives away from home, found out that way. She was really pissed off about it.
And as for facebook chat, I hate it too and so does my computer. Its also really glitchy and no matter how much they “upgrade” it never gets better. Now I’ve set mine to offline so no one can talk to me, but the chat thing is still annoying in the corner.

I found your entry very amusing, so thanks! Congrats on being freshly pressed.

sooooo true! i read it and thought maybe i had written it. but it isn’t on my blog so i didn’t. i now have to post when my friends can and can’t call me due to my work schedule. that is the only way to make them quit waking me up. as for chat…i do enjoy chatting, but i have now arranged all of my “friends” into groups. i have “love to chat with,” “sometimes chat,” “avoid,” and “everyone else.” this way i can turn chat off for some groups. i don’t want everyone to know when i am on. sometimes i just want to check in.

Oh very cool – didn’t realize that was an option. That’s one thing I like about Google+ -the circles lets you share certain information with particular groups and not others. I’m a big fan. Thanks for stopping by!

Every bit of this is sooo incredibly true. It’s always been awkward, but ever since they made the latest changes (you know where you don’t get email notifications of messages and the messages pop up as chats) I am using it less and less for that very reason. I feel like if I respond to the message and they are online I have to immediately log off because I don’t have time to chat, I just wanted to reply man!! Luckily my friends now know me as ‘the girl who doesn’t answer her phone because she doesn’t want people to know what she’s doing 24/7’ so they don’t take much offense when I log off suddenly. I learned from a good friend to not be dependable and they won’t expect anything of you. haha! Works wonders!!

I’m gathering that’s the key here – if I just make it widely known that I’m not into it, people can’t expect it of me or get upset when I don’t deliver on time 🙂 Maybe I’ll give it a go. Thanks so much for sharing!

Exactly how i feel. Lucky for me i tend to be a complete ass on facebook and do things at my own leisure still, but it does seem it lost its etiquette a long time ago. Hopefully this cuts down the amount of “addicts” as most people on FB now are just weird…

This is so true! Facebook was invented to keep people connected, not stress us out! THATS WHAT ITS DOING!! Theres so many social protocols that have been created as a result of it e.g you can’t Ignore a comment on a photo… It would make you rude. P.s a similar story is being covered by George Neugus at 6:30, tomorrow (Australia)

oh very cool! I’ll have to check it out (after the fact via internet, hopefully as I don’t have cable) It’s interesting to watch how things like these inspire societal change – but yes – the pressure has gotten rather overwhelming.

If you don’t like Facebook, just deactivate your account and stopping getting on it. And starting calling up those people who you want to talk to , and write emails or the old-fashioned snail mails to those people who are too far away (and hence, too expensive) to be called up.
If you had a hideous headache, would you keep on grinding your teeth and continue bearing with it? You would simply take a pill and be done with it. Just do the same.
Turn OFF Facebook.

I tried this some time ago and found that I wasn’t invited to events or aware when friends were in town – and they were still good friends, they just always assumed that I would be in the know. Very frustrating. But you’re right – perhaps I’ll gear up to disengage again and try my darndest to keep up by other means. Thanks for sharing!

Good post! I’m with you about enjoying Facebook relaxation, that it’s nice to read posts and reply at your leisure — without having to do it immediately. I’m trying to keep that relaxation as long as possible!

Can definitely relate here. While it’s good for keeping contact when you have friends spread all over the world it does become overwhelming when you have all these things to think about. For example, will people from work see this and judge me? Or … I should probably block my mother before posting this picture or this song. It’s stressful – I agree. Now they’ve got Google+ and Tumblr and wow. Crazy. Too many social apps for my liking!

That’s one thing I like about Google+ – you can label all your circles and then just choose to share pictures with one particular circle (i.e. work, or family) That’s pretty darn cool. But I agree – it’s so hard to keep up with all the newfangled virtual connections. I’m still trying to get the hang of Twitter. Seriously.

i like wordpress more than facebook
but for what i didn’t deleted my facebook account is that i had liked so many pages of car manufacturers n celebs n many other things which i like v much that anything which has been updated got a place on my facebook wall so that really helps me to figure out what is going in corvette or merc or alfa romio or anything else…….but it is dead sure i really can live equally easy without fb too
post was v gud keep it up………..n ur concept of tuesday lollipop is amazing…..n y u choose tuesday too is amazing

Thanks, Sid – I appreciate I’m so glad you enjoy the Lollipop Tuesday idea. You know, I’ve actually never used Facebook to get updates from companies or products or anything. I wonder how that would change my experience. Thanks for stopping by and sharing 🙂

Well I can’t possibly say where it will go but it certainly is more preferable than Facebook right now based on the ability to share certain information with only a specific group. I feel like there’s a lot more control there and I LOVE that someone is trying to give Facebook a shove in the market. It’s kind of like a version of Facebook that we all thought we were signing up for in the first place – but as far as the oversharing, narcissism, and other complaints – they’ll be the same because it’s the nature of the beast.

I’ve never joined facebook or any other social media and i NEVER will. I immediately understood this was too nerdy and way too much stress i didn’t need on top, right from the start. I’m glad i finally read some sense about this thing that will start the revolution around the world. Not!

It’s worse if you are a decent looking girl and every day you are flooded with a ton of friend requests from random males. I’m hesitant if it’s someone if I didn’t use to talk much in school with but that’s still an acquaintance but the randoms, ugh!

Luckily I don’t have that problem, but holy cow I can’t imagine how much of a creep factor that would introduce to the scenario. The idea of Facebook as a dating platform is really, really strange to me.

And now you’ve got hundreds of strangers responding to your blog post. If you reach out to people, if you make yourself accessible, you will be forced to interact. It’s called social networking. You can’t be sort of on the bandwagon. You’re either on board or you aren’t.

I see where you’re coming from, but would argue that I signed up to run and moderate a blog and reach out to people on this platform, whereas the changes that are made to Facebook are unexpected and swiftly changing what it used to be and what my assumptions were by existing in that space. The choice to have Fbook have real time updates as a technical upgrade that inevitably affected etiquette.

But you do raise a good point – if you sign up, you’re on for the ride and can opt out if you don’t like it.

Love this post! By default I’m always offline. It’s been that way for so long that I sometimes forget that Facebook has that feature. I got tired of those awkward conversations with people you never really talk to in the real world but who feel they have to say something when you’re online. The worst chat moments usually go something like:
Chat buddy: Hi
Me: Hi
CB: how u been
Me: Real gud.U?
(long silence)
CB:been a while
Me: yeah
(long silence)

You get the picture!!!!!!

Your real world friends will know to check if you just posted something then you guys can just send chat messages or something

It’s why I don’t have facebook – although I left before our parents were able to sign up. Now it’s just weird when they talk about their friends’ status updates as if they actually called them and that’s how they found out about it.+

These days Facebook is what most my friends spend their time on… It’s FB in front of them in sleepovers, birthday parties, chill-outs… And that is all they care about. Face to face chit chat? Gone. Replaced by eyes glued to the website and awkwardness when every news is known and talked about online. You would talk with enthusiasum for a while, only to notice that your friend is not listening. They say, why spend time together when you can talk anywhere and anytime? I say, that is what friends are for. No longer are “hangouts” nessasary, no more laughter, expressions. No no. Emocons, smilies replaced all that…

I love what you’ve shared here. And also think it’s sad that even when you CAN coax someone into the real world, they still spend it in the virtual one. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spent time with friends just to see them browsing their phones, laptops, iPads – everything but carrying on a decent conversation. In fact, the art of the solid conversationalist may die with our generation.

What is so funny to me is that in my community, all the politicians are on Facebook. It is kind of a contest between all of them, that sit on soft tax-payer type political jobs. Their goal is to see who can get the most number of “Friends on Facebook.” There is one high profile individual in our community, that spends time making so many posts, it makes one wonder how they have time to do the job they are payed over $140,000 plus a year, to do, as a paid public servant for our community. Facebook is one huge joke played by one young man on the public. A young billionaire who managed to make a fortune in carrying a joke into a reality social page.

Facebook gets too mainstream and then people start complaining about it. Articles like these are stupid. If you can’t control your usage and are overtly thinking about every little detail you put on facebook then the problem is more on you than the website.

I agree with the thought that people put too much emphasis on protocol where there is none. The article is not stupid however, it is OPINION, which we are all able to have.
I do not worry about responding to e-mail immediately, answering the phone when it rings, responding to a chat that may come up when I am on for just s minute and have to go.
If I get on to see if someone has responded to something and someone hits me up on chat, I do not feel obligated to respond and I normally don’t.
E-mail should be a 24 hour turn around, but I have a life,, sometimes I am busy doing stuff that is not important to everyone else.
This reminds me of a post about texting and reading more into a text than you should….how can you know what someone is implying by reading their words. The inference is yours, not theirs. You can’t know what they really mean unless you can feel there energy as well, which is usually easier and more reliable in person.
I do like that I can keep up with people who will not normally talk on the phone. So that part is nice. It is a balance, like everything!
Congrats on Freshly Pressed good choice!!! AmberLena

Thanks, Amber! I find it funny that you say there is no protocol but then quote a protocol on email turnaround. Who makes these rules? How do they get passed on to our psyche? It’s really fascinating. Thank you so much for reading and sharing!

I think the point is that with the introduction of such a pertinent social platform, folks are forced to develop a set of etiquette for interactions – it happens naturally. And when we’re living through its inception, we’re still trying to navigate what the proper etiquette is.

Def feeling some of those issues. Especially the birthday wishing and engagement part. My friend got herself preggers and I really only found out because of her fb status. I did wonder why she didn’t care to tell me in person but then it’s like okay, she might just have been to busy or thought it not appropriate for me.
Just try to take those things easy, after all it’s not a big deal. everyone creates his own facebook rules, you know. And you can always delete the account if you get annoyed with it or choose to not go on it for a week or two! 😉 I always wonder about those people who post pictures every minute or have to send out updates 10 times a day… who cares that much about their lifes?!

Wow that’s awkward. It’s always a choice then to decide whether or not to bring it up and show interest or whether to lay low until she mentions it herself. So difficult to navigate the rules because they kind of exist in the nether. I think the introduction of smartphones is responsible for the 10 times a day updates. It’s craziness! Thanks so much for sharing and stopping by 🙂

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