Amazon.com

I recently bought my first pocket pussy. Well, to be honest, “pocket pussy” might be a bit of a misnomer for what this was. This thing was huge, definitely not fitting in anyone’s pocket. I did a fair deal of research before settling on one. There is a large range of different types, prices, and qualities to choose from, and I wanted to familiarize myself with a few products before making a final decision. Especially since I would be putting my dick in it. Wouldn’t want to get some shady five-dollar product made in some dingy warehouse in a Chinese ghetto. Who knows what kind of hazardous chemicals could be used to make these things.

Instinctively, I went to Amazon and browsed their sizeable sex toys section. I was a little bit surprised to see just how many fuckable toys for men there are on the market. I must have clicked through hundreds of blow-up dolls, pocket pussies, Fleshlights, oral simulators, anal simulators, and weird vibrating contraptions that looked what I would imagine robot orifices might look like.

I knew going into my search that I did not want a blow-up doll. They just seem way too cumbersome to me, not to mention creepy as fuck. So, those were out, which helped me narrow down my search quite a bit. I had always been curious, though, about the Fleshlight, a product that’s supposed to feel as close to a real pussy as you can get without getting laid. I was not thrilled, however, about the price tags on Fleshlight products. I believe the cheapest one I could find was sixty bucks. Fuck that. I would have to go off-brand, which I was fine with, but I wanted to be 100% certain about the fake pussy I bought.

Easy to Navigate Reviews, Product Pics, Videos

Thankfully, Amazon always comes through in the clutch. Most of the other pussy simulators I browsed all had a decent number of reviews. Down in the reviews section of the product page, Amazon made it really convenient for me by sorting all common and relevant review terms in a list of tags. If I was curious about a particular pocket pussy’s comfort, I could just click “comfort.” Since I needed a product that my dick could fit into, “well-endowed” was there for me to filter comments that mention the size of the toy.

This is such a great feature. I can’t even begin to tell you how much time these tags saved me from skimming through hundreds of reviews, one at a time, looking for any mentions of size, comfort, or quality. This is the kind of shit that turned Amazon into the biggest online retailer in the world and a constantly used entity that has become something of an institution of our daily lives. As a customer, you should be able to feel confident in your purchase, especially with such an intimate item.

Another feature of Amazon’s that made shopping for a sex toy hassle free is the fact that they allow consumers to upload images and videos along with their reviews. This way you don’t have to worry about the possibility of a product being falsely advertised or played up in the product description. Real people who have actually purchased and received the item can just snap a photo of what they got, allowing you to know, without any of the exaggeration, glitz, or glam that comes with marketing, exactly what you can expect. Empirical evidence. Amazon also made the photos just as easy to find as the phrase tags, automatically compiling all of them into one section, saving you the trouble of scrolling and scrolling and scrolling until you see an image.

Fuck Ton of Products, Variety

I was also extremely impressed by the overwhelming amount of options for sex toys available on Amazon. Even if we’re just talking about male masturbators, there are so fucking many to choose from. You can try out the classic faux vagina (there are all kinds of different shapes, labia sizes/types, colors, interior ribbing styles, etc.), anal simulators, or oral simulators (these look like a Fleshlight, but have a mouth at the end instead of a pussy, oftentimes with a tongue, sometimes with teeth; a few even include a nose). There are even dual-purpose masturbators that are double-sided. Fuck the fake pussy on one side, and then switch over to an asshole or a mouth on the other.

Personally, I’m not a big anal fan. But the oral simulators definitely caught my attention. Ultimately, though, the user ratings and reviews helped to guide me in the direction of the more classic pussy. The oral toys tended to be lower-rated and more poorly reviewed. I can’t imagine it would be easy to recreate something as miraculous as the blowjob. Plus, having never owned any kind of sex toy before, I figured I’d start with the tried and true model and move onto some of the fancier stuff if I liked what this one had to offer.

Cumparative Shopping

Another thing that made my sex toy purchasing experience on Amazon great was the fact that they automatically compare every item you view to similar items, allowing you to do a great deal of comparative shopping with little to no effort. Alongside the product you are viewing, they provide a chart with four or five similar items.

On the chart you can see, side-by-side, each item’s price, customer rating, shipping details, seller, and item weight. Not only does this help you to compare whatever item you are considering to others you may have seen, but it is also a great way to be introduced to other items you may have never heard of. It’s like having a sex toy expert helping to guide you through the process of finding the right tool for your tool.

Finding the perfect sex toy becomes even easier when you factor in Amazon’s other recommended sections, including their famous “Customers who bought this also bought…” and “Customers who viewed this also viewed” lists. Plus, Amazon even compiles a list of special offers and product promotions on the item page, letting you make the thriftiest decision possible.

In case you’re curious, I ended up going with a male masturbator made by a company called Tracy’s Dog. I know, weird fucking name for a sex toy company, right? But, with 77 reviews and an average overall rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars for a pussy that only ran my about $25, how could I say no? What’s more, it even came with a complimentary lube tube, allowing me to get into the box the minute I took it out of the box. I was definitely not disappointed.

Order Today, Play Tomorrow

Part of what makes Amazon the giant of retail that it is, is the two-day shipping available for Prime members. If you are a Prime member, you are in luck, since a great deal of Amazon’s sex products are available with Prime 2-day shipping. What a great fucking feature, especially for sex toys, since the desire is usually pretty immediate. I can’t name any other online sex you market that can even come close to competing with speeds like that.

Plus, if you’re ordering something like a pocket pussy (or especially a sex doll, you fucking weirdo), chances are you don’t want your wife (or, more likely, your parents) to know about it. What makes Amazon an ideal place to order such products from is that, no matter what you get, the packaging will be discreet. No labels to give away what it is, just the classic brown box.

If you’re still really worried about somebody finding out, though, here’s a tip: order your sex toy around the holidays and tell your wife or whoever that it’s a gift for them, so they can’t know what it is. Not only will they drop it, but they’ll also be very happy with you for the rest of the day, thinking that you bought them something. It’s a win-win.

Amazon doesn’t have to be just the place you go to get boring shit like books, household items, etc. The site has quite a naughty side as well. You just have to know how to use it. With thousands of sex toys to choose from (not just pocket pussies either; there are plenty of dildos, vibrators, Bluetooth remote controlled toys, edible undies, anal beads, BDSM equipment … really anything your little heart (and dick) could desire) at competitive prices, quick and discreet shipping, easy comparative shopping, and plenty of honest reviews and photos/videos of products to consult, you really can’t go wrong with Amazon.

I have no complaints with this site whatsoever. The only thing that makes it kind of a bummer is the fact that the company is notorious for poor working conditions and underpaying its employees. But it is really hard to argue with the convenience and selection Amazon offers. Jeff Bezos can eat a dick, but there’s no better way to buy sex toys online.