Hey, do you have a lot of money, low sex drive, and self-face-punchingly high levels of stupidity? Try some $800-an-ounce magic beans magic fungus covered worms.

Some swear that "Himalaya Viagra" (which doesn't even fucking rhyme oh my god that's just an obnoxious, obnoxious nickname), when consumed in small quantities over a long period of time (say, by sprinkling them on your cereal in the morning) can turn you from a glasses and ponytail wearing librarian type to a glasses-removing, end of glasses chewing, shirt unbuttoning, sexy librarian type.

The worms begin their tragically short lives in the highlands of Nepal, where they're attacked by a fungus that kills and encases their bodies. Then, it's Corn Flakes o'clock for the expensive folk remedy.

Despite the fact that this is so ridiculous that I can't even believe I'm typing it, in New York, some people will drop almost a grand for an ounce of the stuff. However, if magical sexy fungus worm prices in New York are anything like apartment prices in New York, I bet I can get the same amount of sex worms for like $100 here in Chicago, plus the worms in Chicago will come with a dishwasher that works.

As recently as a decade ago, the worms only cost $6.50 an ounce, but recent hype around Himalaya Viagra (shudder) has inflated the price to almost Dutch tulip-like levels, and as the crop has become more valuable, violence has claimed the region of Nepal where the worms are found,

In June 2009, a mob of 65 villagers from the Menang clan in Nar bludgeoned seven poachers from a neighboring Gorkha tribe. The Nar men — one from each household — first slew two rivals with primitive tools and tossed their bodies into a crevasse. Then the gang ripped another five encroachers to pieces and cold-heartedly discarded them. Next month a verdict is expected to come down for 35 men charged in the crime.

Devotees swear the remedy works wonders, but given the choice between having a mediocre sex life or having an awesome sex life but having to eat worms that lead to people in the Himalayas getting murdered? I'll pass.