What Would You Do If You Weren’t Afraid?

posted above my desk. It’s a question I ask myself a often if I think I am hesitating in life. So I thought I had this one pretty much licked. But imagine my surprise when I realized today that – no I don’t. I had been letting my fear of the reaction of a handful of people impact my interaction to this site. Because of it’s somewhat sexual content, and discussion of topics some people would rather have swept under the carpet and ignored. So today I did something about that.

Today on Facebook for the 1st time I posted something very clearly as myself (Michelle Geromel) instead of forwarding something from MyDevina and agreeing with it’s statement. In that post, I mentioned that I was writing a book on Orgasm, and then stated why I didn’t agree with the Church’s stance on self-play and human sexuality. First because I truly believe everyone is entitled to orgasm. And second, because I believe that for a woman, one of the most effective ways to becoming easily orgasmic, and then multi orgasmic, is through self exploration – this includes both sensate touch and actual touching of our girlie parts. And thirdly, even though I didn’t say it, I posted it because I keep wondering how a bunch of old men, who have supposedly never had sex, are able to tell women how wrong they are for doing something that will in fact add more success to a relationship, not less?

I knew that by posting this post to everyone on Facebook as myself – that one side of my family would have a fit. Why? Because that side is extremely religious and actually believes that masturbation is “self-love” which according to them is lustful and therefore one of the seven deadly sins . (My Dad’s a priest, my brother is a priest and one of my sisters is married to a priest – all Episcopalian aka Church of England – and not the liberal Massachusetts type, I mean the traditionalist, 1800’s book of Common Prayer type.)

I also know that by acknowledging that I was writing a book on orgasm, that someone on that side of the family would inevitably discover something I had not shared with them – the My Devina website. And the stories therein – including those dealing with being molested as a child. Why would this be such a weight around my shoulders? And something I had not talked about with them in the past? (Some of my family does know, but the rest that don’t.) Because I know that at some point that same group could very likely then come out and say that I have made the whole thing up. They will rail against me and that quite frankly isn’t something I want to go through again.

Why again? When I was 17, in my first year of college, I shared a truth, as gently and as lovingly as I knew how with my family, not for me, but because I was trying to prevent someone else from being hurt deeply. And for my troubles, my family disowned me, told everyone who would listen that I was a lier, and horrible child, and an ungrateful bitch. Of course they came up with another “story” to explain this fission in the family. Because they couldn’t actually share the real reason for it. On the plus side, I believe that my actions did help prevent further hurt and damage to that family member. But it took 20 years (yeah really) for that side of the family to finally apologize to me. And they never apologized for what they did in response to me bringing to light a truth – just finally acknowledged to me, that I was right to have said what I said.

So I am not, nor will I ever force anyone in my family (or anyone else for that matter) to listen to a truth they themselves are not ready to hear. Have I thought about it during times of therapy? Hell Yes! I have wanted to scream at them for putting me in the positions they did when I was just a child. And couldn’t really explain adequately what was going on. I have wanted to scream again when I realized that given some of the family’s history, there is no possible way some of what I experienced could not have been prevented. But I have chosen to not force a discussion on this point. Partly because it would require them to look into their own childhood hell. And let’s face it, if someone can’t look at something 50 or 60 years in the past, they maybe never will. And partly because I don’t need another family drama and slight vindication possibly yet another 20 years down the line.

But what I realized today – was that for me to hide from the world who I am, my name, my passion for women’s sexual rights, freedom and expression, I was and have been hiding a part of me out of fear. And by letting fear of what someone’s response might be, I have been giving away a part of my personal power. And at the same time, letting a tiny part of my past dictate and define something really near and dear to me in my present and my future.

I also realized that by worrying about what a few people on this planet think, I was also standing in the way of me being able to share my passion for women being ALL of who they are – including enjoyment of whatever stage in life we are at as women (single, married, dating or divorced), and my true belief that we are all orgasmic sensual creatures who should be honored as such. But I can’t do this by being small. By remaining behind just the My Devina name. No, I must do this by taking this step, let the world know my other name, and letting the chips fall where they may.

And the reason I’m sharing with you. Is that I hope you will forgive me for not letting most of you in this close until now. And to understand why I did what I did. And for those of you unwittingly still standing somewhat in the shadows of your own message, for whatever reason – I hope this encourages you to own your own light and not let the possibility of other’s discouraging behavior stop you from being all you are meant to be.

And for those who are wondering a little more about me. Besides writing for MyDevina, I am a professional visual artist, a published author, and part-time management consultant. You can see more of my art at www.MichelleGArt.com

My Devina

My Devina is a site for women. Someone once described our site as being about "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Orgasm." And we would agree. Our goal is to provide a site of of flirty, sometimes controversial, mostly humorous and informative posts written for everyone to enjoy. So regardless if your relationship status is single, divorced, in a relationship, or It's Complicated, www.MyDevina.com has uplifting and fun content for you.

Comments (6)

Wow this was such a great post. I really respect you for writing this. I didn’t have a traumatic childhood experience but since I started blogging I have hidden my identity. I posted very few pictures of myself and I also used a different name. My reason for doing that was basically just to get away from my past. I didn’t enjoy my childhood or my teenage years so doing this was a way for me to start over and be who I wanted to be.
But again this was an amazing post and I’m glad you opened up to your readers.

Thank you Mia! I’m glad my post resonated with you. I appreciate you responding to it. 🙂 I can understand wanting to start over and allowing yourself to be free of things holding you back. That too is a great choice and place to be. : )

Wow. I applaud you Michelle for giving a face and voice to your story which is also the story of millions of others! It is not uncommon for our society to hold our victims of sexual abuse in the shadows and hide them in shame while a lot of the abusers run free. I’m sorry for the pain that your family has caused you. You are a shining bright example to so many people who will read your blog, meet you, or read your book about speaking out your truth and also about rising far above and beyond any pain of your past.
It is important to speak your truth because “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind” ~Dr. Seuss. So proud of you 🙂 kisses xoxoxo

Thank you Daisey! I needed that reminder, and I love that quote! One of the things I love about you is your strong sense of self worth and your ability to remember (and remind me too!) that what other people say really is irrelevant. My clearing practitioner defines power as “the ability to hold a position.” You are an incredibly powerful, beautiful, woman. xoxo

I have so much respect for you! Many of us have things in our background were reluctant to let out. Transparency brings true healing, and everyone should feel the peace that comes with letting it out. Others will surely find their own courage from this, I know I did!

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