Shatner and the Alien Duck Hypothesis

An enduring and popular theory about the Bakestone
duck creature is the idea that it is of extra-terrestrial origin - the so-called ADH, or
Alien Duck Hypothesis. And no one has proven to be a more enthusiastic supporter of this
explanation than Derek Shatner.

Shatner perhaps has more claim to be an expert in
the phenomenon than most, having lived and worked in the area for some time.
Disappointingly, he has never seen the creature himself, despite many a long moonlit vigil
out on the empty hillsides surrounding the town.

Nevertheless, he has frequently taken the
opportunity to interview witnesses, often to the point where he is considered a nuisance.
As a result of his tireless researches he is now in no doubt that the creature is not of
earthly origin, but hails from another world, far out in the depths of the cosmos. And
what's more, he believes he can prove it.

Collecting droppings

For some time now, Shatner has been collecting
droppings from areas where the mutant duck has been seen, and he now has an extensive
collection of local shit. He regularly sends samples to the nearby university for
analysis, and they regularly send them straight back with a note asking him politely to keep
his shit to himself.

Even so, Shatner has been able to draw some
fascinating conclusions. The so-called 'space duck', whilst demonstrating a remarkable
resemblance to our familiar Earth ducks, is a vastly superior creature. Studies of its
habits indicate great powers of reasoning and a fierce intelligence, and its
disinclination to float around on ponds and peck at scraps of bread implies that it may
have very specific motives.

However, Shatner is convinced that this particular
specimen landed on our planet by mistake. He has determined that it arrived in a fiery
space podule, which crashed here about twelve years ago, possibly after becoming separated
from some giant space battlefleet. Since this time it has been going about the business of
reconnaissance and basic survival, initially with a view to one day being able to rejoin
its fleet.

Alien mind control techniques

Until now, that is.

Shatner claims that the creature's recent
period of activity signals a significant change in its objectives. He asserts
that the space duck intends to employ alien mind control techniques to enslave mankind,
and then utilise the planet's molten core to turn Earth into a giant nuclear death ray
thing. It will then be able to use our world as a powerbase from which to strike at the
heart of its enemies - most probably space geese, whom Shatner believes to be the natural
rivals of space ducks.

Shatner is currently looking for a publisher for his
book 'The Duck Imperative', in which he sets out his fantastic ideas in greater detail.

In
the meantime he continues to make regular appearances on late night TV programmes and
radio phone-ins, where he never tires in his quest to warn mankind of the approaching
disaster.

And audiences are frequently amazed - not just by the extent of
Shatner's theory, but also by the fact that he somehow managed to deduce all this from
duck shit.