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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I Don't Want to Forget

Sometimes when I start to take my husband for granted and little things start to bother me, I remember that lonely, shy high schooler who wondered if anyone would ever notice me. Back then I would have been so ecstatic to be able to look into the future and see Luke there with me.

My heart is yearning for something different now. And someday when God answers my prayers, I don't want to forget the way I feel now.

When I suffer from morning sickness and fatigue...

Once my feet have swollen, and I can no longer see them...

Even when I'm screaming in a hospital bed...

I won't forget. It will all be worth it.

After I've been up all night with a screaming baby...

On the days when I can't find time for a shower...

I will remember the yearning in my heart.

When I'm cleaning up after a sick toddler...

On the days I want to lose my patience over tantrums...

I'll think back on these days, and know that I can handle anything

During sibling fights...

When I just need a break...

On those days when I just want a moment to myself, but the kids are begging me to read them a story...

I'll see those things as blessings. And I'll say yes every time, because I'll think back on these endless days of waiting.

I don't write this to be melodramatic. But during the Christmas season, it is hard not to picture life in the future with little ones at this time of year. I know how badly I want this, and I don't want to take it for granted once it comes. All this waiting has been so difficult, but I think it has taught me some things. I think I will appreciate every smile and kiss just a little bit more than I would have if I hadn't had to wait. I'll have a little more patience. I'll take advantage of more opportunities to spend time with my children. And I'll have a bit more thankfulness in my heart.

Look around you. How many of the things in your life are things you waited and yearned for? Are you appreciating them the way you thought you would? I know I need to open my eyes in some areas, and see how blessed I really am!

I love this Jessica. And I love the fact that you're so open about it too. I remember when we were trying to get pregnant and were not successful, it was eating me from inside out. That was the only thing I could think of, but I could not share it with anyone else. I felt like it was too personal, like no one else would understand. Thinking back now, I wish I would have shared with someone during those hard days, bc sharing and opening your heart and feelings is therapeutic. It helps you cope and keep on going. So I'm so glad you are sharing it. I believe that God will hear your heart and he will answer your prayers. And that one day, when you're up at 3am holding your cranky infant, you'll look back at this and smile, and be so much more thankful for that gift. Thinking of your friend :-)

Wow, Jessica. This is so powerful. My husband and I were separated (while dating) for one year. It was seriously the hardest year of my life, but yet years later now that we are married every time a hardship comes, I remember what it was like to not have him...even when money is low, it is way better being poor with him than being "fine" without him. I feel the same way as I pray about motherhood, etc. Thank you for this post!! Powerful!! God will bless you!!!