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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Ah... that felt good

So I wanted to talk about how my life has been going on, mainly because I need to put it down and think about it.

So in April I kind of celebrated the first year of my presence in the working force. yes for the past 12 months I have received a nice salary by the end of each and every month. My salary isn't awesome or anything, but I love that sense of security it gives me, I wouldn't complain.

In the past 12 months also, I have left the Lebanese territory for the first time (well technically the first time was for jordan in may 2008 but let's not be OCD now), I have visited Jordan (can't say I loved it, but back then it was the war in Lebanon and some other obnoxious shit so I don't think I had the best circumstances ever).

I also visited Berlin, that was a beautiful (BEAUTIFUL) city, I would like to take this chance to congratulate all Germans for the beauty of their city. I glanced the holocaust victims memorial, I participated in the pride parade in Berlin **sighs**.

Then on october and november I went to Belgium (yes I went twice), I left my heart there when I came back to Lebanon. I am not sure if it was the cold weather or the nice people I was staying with, or all the bikes everywhere, or the Grimbergen beer, or maybe it was just because it's the land that gave birth to Jacques Brel... I don't know, but I still think of Belgium and of ilke's parents.

Then a couple of months ago I went to India, India was awesome, I didn't get to see much of the country but "musk melon juice" was divine. All the mouth burning spices weren't so much but it's ok. And the people I met there are awesome.

But then when I think about it, the most important thing that has happened to me this year was the fact that I moved out of my parents' place. Of course I didn't do so completely, I am still adjusting financially so I can afford a washing machine for example, but basically I have cut the cord I guess. And it's not as hard as I thought it would be, if I am careful with the money. I no longer have to leave wherever I am at exactly 9:20 or else I get harassed on the street like public meat. I can attend all these exhibitions, movies, friends' concerts, I work as late as I want to, I don't need anyone to give me a ride, I walk to work and back and to practically anywhere I usually go. I smoke as much as I want, I drink a lot, I cook my own food, I read as much as I feel like it... Wow, come to think of it, there are a lot of advantages to living in Beirut and away from your parents.

But of course this didn't solve any of my problems, I am significantly happier (especially that I finally went shopping and now I eat as I please and never sleep hungry). I am more or less at peace with myself and less stressed (though I do work for about 10h to 12h per day).

What has been bugging me lately is actually my personal life, I have come to a relatively comfortable balance, where I just don't do an effort to hang out with people, I either meet them by chance or i don't meet them. I stop thinking about dating and going out with partners, I do it occasionally and I don't think much about it. I have had a crush on this girl for a long time, every once in a while I remember her, I miss her, i go to her restaurant, have a meal then go home... It's working well I guess. But I can't shake off that idea that something is wrong, that my emotional detachment can't be a good sign. I keep on hearing my mom's words warning me about growing old alone and shit.