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having a rough evening...need reassurance

Ladies I am really feeling down tonight, and having a tough time. Jonah is happy, smiley, gaining weight, and very laid back. However, nursing him is still HELL. I am feeling rejected. He would rather suck on his fingers than nurse. He arches away and screams anytime I put him remotely near the breast. I have to rock him for hours and hours just to get him to latch on. He still nurses fine at night, or after rocking him in the dark room. Now he starts screaming if I even walk near that room, because he associates it with nursing. I want him to have positive nursing associations. He hates it, and that makes me feel terrible. I miss Joshua, I spend most of my day rocking/trying to nurse. Joshua is watching way to many cartoons, and he is feeling slighted. I am carrying around so much guilt.

Will he ever enjoy nursing? When will he be able to handle my milk flow? If I pull him off to release the letdown, he will NOT latch back on because he gets so mad that I took him off. Yet if I keep him on, he gets mad anyway and won't nurse. He CAN handle the flow when he is sleepy. I can't decrease my supply, because it is not overabundant. I just have a very forceful letdown.
I try to get out with the boys as much as possible, but I am always stressed about how I will feed Jonah. He will not nurse when we are out and about, yet he will scream because he is hungry. I hate this.
We've tried bottles and he just plays with the nipple in his mouth, or cries and pushes it away. I really do not want to do bottles anyway.

Here is the other thing, he is so gassy and uncomfortable, and he had a huge mucousy green explosion today. He is drooling like crazy, and sucks on his hand/fingers like a mad man. That makes me think he is hungry, but he won't nurse.
He is already 11 weeks. Is he going to end up weaning way too early? DH thinks he will. That makes me feel so sad/rejected, because nursing him means everything to me. I Love love love nursing a toddler.

Please tell me it will get better, and when? I dream of the day that I can casually just nurse him with no battle, or him wanting to nurse. I just feel so sad tonight

Kathryn, Mama to my sweet blueberry eyed boy Joshuaborn on 11/2/2006

and my blueberry eyed baby Jonah Henry...my water birth baby! born on 6/15/09

Re: having a rough evening...need reassurance

Babies change so much, you can't predict how things will be in a few days, let alone months.

That said, nursing is important, but it's only one part of your relationship with him. Might not seem like it right now, but you are much more important to him than a set of boobs, and whatever happens with the nursing won't change the fact that you are his mother and the most important person in the world. You can get through this.