MORE

Search Cracked

Dethklok

Dethklok is the most brutal death metal band in the history of ever. This is largely due to the fact they they are fictional and thus unable to douche things up like real-life metal bands.

Just The Facts

Dethklok will bring about the metalocalypse.

Dethklok is the most metal part of this balanced breakfast.

If you attend a Dethklok concert you have a roughly 50% chance of being killed in an unpredictable yet always brutal fashion.

Band Members

Nathan Explosion

Nathan is the frontman and songwriter of the band, who says that the mission of Dethklok is to "make everything metal. Blacker than the blackest black, times infinity." Lyrics often include such upbeat sentiments as 'everyone is going to die' and imagery of murder, double-murder, mass murder, uber murder and mermaid murder.

Notable Quote:
"I think I know what you all are trying to say. I think we um... I think we have to build a space helicopter."

Skwisgaar Skwigelf
Skwisgaar, the fastest guitarist alive, is the lead guitarist for Dethklok and carries his guitar around with him essentially everywhere, including in bed and the hot tub. He's considered incredibly good-looking and could get any girl he wanted, but he has a fondness for MILFs, GMILFs and soon-to-be-MILFs. He doesn't mind sharing.

Toki Wartooth
Toki is the rhythm guitarist for Dethklok, and much like a half-price hooker at the truck stop, everything Toki touches with his love dies. He is known for being somewhat childlike in his behaviours and doesn't know cockpieces from dildos about anything, especially cockpieces and dildos. In older episodes he behaved like an annoying younger brother, but luckily towards the season two finale he developed a drinking problem and spent most of his time passed out.

Notable Quote:

William Murderface
Murderface is the bassist for Dethklok, and while he might not be as skilled as Flea he's not afraid to take the sock off his cock and let it do the playing. (It should be noted for the 10% of people reading this that just thought what a great idea that was that his dong is now covered in scar tissue and hideously deformed. Carry on.)

Notable Quote:

Pickles the Drummer
Pickles the Drummer is both the member of Dethklok who behaves most like a "normal person" (read: regular jackoff) as well as the member who consumes the most alcohol. (Further studies on the effects of alcohol consumption on behavior have been conducted at the offices of cracked and the homes of many of their readers daily.) He has done so many drugs in his lifetime he's essentially immune to everything.

Notable Quote:
"So you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shriek and they turn red and they die? That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life."