I boarded a few people ahead of him, and was surprised when I took my middle seat and he slipped into the aisle seat beside me. What were the odds? Then I realized it wasn’t the same guy, but a man with an almost identical beard.

This bearded man clearly wasn’t nervous. He was super comfortable. Comfortable enough to use the whole armrest between us and bump his elbow into me endlessly. Great. The man to my right managed the whole flight without one inadvertent bump.

Bearded Guy’s buddy across the aisle from him was loud. And big. Big Guy joked with the flight attendant that the drink cart always bumped into his shoulder.

I could see why. The airline seat couldn’t contain his hulking frame.

My headphones went in to help drown out their constant chatter across the aisle and to take my mind off Bearded Guy’s annoying nudges every time he moved. Oh, why couldn’t I have a good old-fashioned crying baby next to me instead?

A half-hour into the flight, Big Guy from across the aisle went to the bathroom at the back of the plane. When he returned, he had a story to tell Bearded Guy. “You have to hear this!”

I may have turned down the volume on my podcast so I could listen – always one for an intriguing story.

“You won’t believe what happened,” Big Guy said to Bearded Guy.

Bearded Guy leaned closer.

I might have leaned closer, too.

“The dude ahead of me, waiting for the bathroom, had this big beard. He turned around for like a second, and I was sure it was you.”

I had a feeling Big Guy was talking about the nervous man I’d met before boarding.

“So I thought it was you,” Big Guy reiterated. “And I grabbed the sides of his pants and pulled down, like I was going to pull down your pants.”

Bearded Guy nearly fell out of his seat from laughing so hard.

I gasped.

“So, what happened?” Bearded Guy asks.

Yeah, what happened?

“He turned around, and I saw it wasn’t you. Then the dude said, ‘You’re a big guy. It’s a small plane. I really don’t want to fight right now.’”

“Oh my G-d,” Bearded Guy said.

Oh my G-d, I thought.

I instantly understood it’s got to be difficult to be a guy in an eat-or-be-eaten environment. It’s got to feel impossible to be a thoughtful, sensitive guy in a culture that appears to prize brashness and winning. It’s got to be challenging to be a guy terrified to get on a plane and then, when you’re standing in line to go to the bathroom, probably because you’re so nervous, and some hulky guy grabs the sides of your pants – your pants! – and yanks.

That’s assault, I thought. He could/should be arrested!

As the flight went on – it was several hours – Big Guy intermittently told the story to Bearded Guy again and again, like he was processing it a bit more with each telling. And each time, apparently, it got a little funnier.

By the end of the flight, both men were howling with laughter over the incident.

Laughter.

Because by the end, Big Guy, apparently, could view the incident only from his own limited perspective.

Grabbing my backpack so I could get off that plane and away from those men, I thought if only they had a shred of empathy. If only they could view what happened from the viewpoint of the man who had something terrible happen to him on a plane while he was standing in line to use the bathroom.

I understood how essential it is for boys to read and read and read so they can stretch their imaginations, step into others’ shoes and practice empathy.

If Big Guy had read a whole lot more, maybe he wouldn’t have laughed about causing someone discomfort and angst. Perhaps he would have even apologized.

And maybe, with enough books under his belt and in his heart, with enough empathy practice, he wouldn’t have done such a thing in the first place.

* * *

Donna Gephart writes humorous/heartbreaking MG novels and picture books from her home in New Jersey, after spending 21 years in South Florida. In Your Shoes is her latest book about friendship, empathy, anxiety, fairy tales, grief . . . and bowling! Her next book, The Paris Project, comes out October 8th from Simon & Schuster. Donna enjoys connecting with young readers and sharing her passion for reading and writing during school visits and book festivals. http://www.donnagephart.com/school–skype-visits.html

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13 Comments

Thank you for sharing – life is hard and sometimes it seems it is getting much harder. Books really do/will help. Loved “In Your Shoes” and hope that kids get the message before they become one-sided adults running the world…

Your story caught me at a moment where it is everything to me right now. I want to run and hide from this non-empathy feeling world that we live in. Why is someone else’s pain funny to others? I look forward to sharing your book with kids. Thank you.

I totally agree with your point about boys and empathy. Many boys are socialized to believe that gentleness and kindness are unacceptable, and I believe that socialization hurts them and everyone else around them. Great point and I am glad you are addressing it.
I was, however, a little taken aback by this line in your essay:
“Bearded Guy’s buddy across the aisle from him was loud. And big. Big Guy joked with the flight attendant that the drink cart always bumped into his shoulder.
I could see why. The airline seat couldn’t contain his hulking frame.”
While Big Guy may have been rude and thoughtless, I wish you had not conflated those traits with his size. I know several kind, gentle, thoughtful men who also do not fit comfortably into an airline seat. Fat-phobia is as real a problem in our society the others you address, and it also stems from a lack of empathy.
I know that you did not mean any offense by your comment, and I know that we are all working, in our own ways and at our own paces, to overcome the societal conditioning we’ve been ingrained with. I believe we all need to take care to avoid stereotyping based on body type.

Donna, I love your books, Dunkin and Lily is always checked out in my room. But I have to say, this line put me off so entirely, I’m not sure if I feel like sharing the books openly anymore.
I am a person of size, actually, quite a lot of size. One of the most anxiety producing events I undertake is flying, exactly because of comments like yours. Those guys were total jerks, but was he a jerk b/c he was big? I’m not. And yet, you conflated his size with his horrible behavior, which made me think about how you view people, who look differently from you. From your books, I perceived you to be quite compassionate about people who are different. Now, I see you very differently than before I read this.

Why couldn’t you have said, “Blue shirt guy and Red shirt guy?” Why did his bad behavior have to be linked to his size for you? It’s really bad. Really, really bad.

When I fly, I am worried that people with your very size-minded POV will do harm to me, will say something to the flight attendants that could result in my utter embarrassing horror or even worse, being removed from my flight. Your essay here just justified size-phobic behavior for everyone reading it, especially for kids. Fat kids have a really hard time in school. You just justified name-calling about their size. It’s bad. Really, really bad.

You say this:
Grabbing my backpack so I could get off that plane and away from those men, I thought if only they had a shred of empathy. If only they could view what happened from the viewpoint of the man who had something terrible happen to him on a plane while he was standing in line to use the bathroom.

Where is your empathy? Have you not read enough about people of size? Did you read Dumplin? What about Butter?

I’m left with a take on your line, “If Big Guy had read a whole lot more, maybe he wouldn’t have laughed about causing someone discomfort and angst. Perhaps he would have even apologized.

And maybe, with enough books under his belt and in his heart, with enough empathy practice, he wouldn’t have done such a thing in the first place.”

And I think “Maybe if Size-Phobic Writer Lady had read more books about people who occupy space differently than she does, she never would have labeled someone so negatively. Perhaps she needs a few more books in her heart so that she can truly know what it means to walk in someone’s shoes.”

And the really kinda crappy thing is, you’ve left me kinda defending a total jerk.

Next time, please be better. Your piece on empathy actually caused harm.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. And you’re right. That is not at all what I intended. I had merely hoped to show that because this man was so much taller than the other man that it might have been more intimidating to him. My choice of words to call him “Big Guy” was a terrible one. Terrible! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your pointing it out. I have actively worked to educate myself about the awful practice of fat-shaming. My favorite reads have been Lindy West’s essays in SHRILL and Roxane Gay’s memoir, HUNGER. And Dumplin’, too. Because of reading these books, I think about how uncomfortable flying can be for people of size, as well as so many other things in a society that still feels comfortable with fat-shaming. And I’ve called out people for fat-shaming. So, here I am doing that very thing myself. I’m ashamed and will work hard to do better. Again, thank you so much for calling out my unintended, yet damaging mistake and for helping me to do better moving forward.