Mark Your Calendar For 'Go Topless Day' In Venice Next Month

I have friends, respectable people, who raise their children in Venice, and insist that Venice is a great place for anyone to do the same. "It has great schools," they tell me happily, "and everyone is so friendly." I do not doubt either of these points, and I see nothing wrong with raising a child in a progressive, non-traditional environment. But, um, let's hope Parenting Magazine doesn't show up on Go Topless Day on August 21st, when hundreds of women will display one or both of their breasts in honor of a so-called equality movement sponsored by a UFO cult. Honey, tell the kids we're moving tomorrow!

Go Topless Day, which will celebrate its fifth anniversary this August (oh yes, we've covered this before), is the vanguard of a totally serious and not-at-all hilarious movement towards topless equality. This, of course, is the concept that both men and women have nipples, and that it's an unfair double standard that Mel Gibson's sweaty teats can be legally exposed, but these young women can't play a spirited game of topless beach volleyball. And up to a point, I agree. I mean, who doesn't like a canned food drive, know what I'm sayin', brahh? [Photo via]

But let's think about this rationally. Number one, nobody is fighting for or supporting the "right" of most men to take their shirts off in public. Even if you're relatively in shape, it's just not a good look. And the further down the spectrum we go away from "relatively in shape," the more horrifying it gets. Unless we as a society decide to take better care of ourselves, we as a society should be mandating more, not less, clothing on the average body.

Number two, Go Topless Day is a brainchild of the Raelian movement, a group of UFO-worshiping, free love culties whose esteemed founder may or may not be all about throwing himself giant sex parties. Which would, y'know, kind of put the whole "topless equality" thing into perspective. I guess as far as cults go, "everybody get naked" is a whole lot better than "everybody give me all your money" or "everybody kill yourself," right?

But regardless of motive, Go Topless Day is happening in Venice Beach, in less than a month, so you've been warned. And dudes, you have a part to play in this too: if you decide to participate in Go Topless Day, it's your duty to rock a bikini top like our fellow on the left here, in order to protest the unjust double-standard. Unlike our friend on the left, though, feel free to take care of some of that shoulder hair first.