The Psycho ExGirlfriend

i was talking with a reader who was telling me his woes and transgressions from an ex that’s nuts. he’s never posted but he asked me a question in email land. and i can tell you, girl fucking RUINED this dude’s life. we’ve all been there. i had mine. you find yourself dating this SLAMMING hot girl, things are great. she fucks like a porn star, is ALWAYS down to initiate, you suddenly start telling yourself, “damn, i really fucking hit pay dirt.”

then it happens. call after call after call. “where are you, why haven’t you called me back”

“you’re spending way too much time with your friends!”

slowly but surely she starts encroaching herself more and more into your life. she starts getting WAAAAAAAY to clingy. she begins accusing you of seeing other girls. you start to withdraw from the relationship. the shit get messier, then you realize.

She’s bat-shit fucking crazy.

you tell her (politely, calmly) that you think it’s best if the 2 of you quit seeing each other.

houston we have nukage

we know the drill. the phone calls, the texts, she might even stalk you. she shit talks you to everyone. sigh. if you only have ONE psycho-ex, you know PRECISELY what i’m talking about. Psycho chicks all share common traits. the 2 main being.

1. they’re FUCKING BEAUTIFUL

2. they fuck phenomenally.

if you’re a man that’s relatively successful with women, we talk about psycho ex’s like war stories, usually over a beer. the following video is a series of call that a guy posted to make his ex stop calling. i get douche chills listening to them. this originally came out around 1999-2000. proceed at your own risk. and please note the time between call. there are actually 63 call. i know because i have them on iTunes.

5 and 6 are the most telling. she’s DESPERATE. she innocently asks for his help with something. and the with 7th- WOW.

i can now tell fairly quickly if i’m dealing with a possible psycho. she’s very pretty, she’s PERFECT- at first. the sex is super-fantastic. but….you MUST dig beneath the surface. you MUST be a detective. but you have to be subtle. you must find out her relationship status with her dad. if she talks shit about her dad. YOU MENTION YOUR DAD’S AN ASSHOLE AS WELL. let her go on and on and on. listen to every word she says. then find out why she broke up with her last bf. it’s unlikely she’ll tell you she was dumped. the more shit she talks about him, the crazier she is.

PUNCH OUT MAVERICK!!!!!

obviously the longer you’re with her, the longer it’ll take to end it. quadruple the normal break up time. honestly, the SECOND i have sex with a girl, i go on high alert to look for psycho traits. and utilize the above quals. having a pyscho is almost a rite of passage. lol. so grab a beer, kick back and listen to 53 rambling, nut-case voice mails, and count your lucky fucking stars.

5. the only way she knows how to relate to you is sexually. Problem? Fix it with sex. Good mood? celebrate with sex. Have a fight? Make up with sex. Hungry? Eat, then sex. Family coming over to visit? Have sex now so you’re tided over until they all go to bed, then sex. She needs something? You’ll give it to her after she sexes you.

This sounds like a guy’s dream. It is…. for a while. Until you realize something’s really… OFF about her and the way she relates to you and everyone else. You know she’s manipulating you and using you for whatever she wants — money, attention, financial support, validation, whatever. It doesn’t matter. She’s become an expert at using sex to get what she wants. And when it doesn’t work, when she realizes the one best tool she has isn’t getting her results, It’s Nagasaki, baby.

The psycho bitch I dated was living with her Mom, had no relationship with her dad, and claimed that her ex who she was going to marry at the time ended up draining their joint bank account and left her with nothing but trash bags full of her clothes. She was very pretty, had HUGE natural amazing boobs, and wanted to do anything and everything for me until I broke frame (no idea how I had held it up until then) while I was on vacation and suddenly became distant and cold. She picked me up at the airport (like she’d promised to when I left), but things devolved very quickly from there, she never paid for the obscene cell phone bill she promised to pay for (she insisted on talking to me while I was international), and never returned a lambskin jacket I’d lent her one night (when she was cold) that was worth over $500, but that also had even greater sentimental value for me.

I took her to small claims court and the bailiff all but called her a bitch before the judge showed up. I got a judgement in my favor (not 100%, very unfortunately), and one of these days I’m going to find out where she works so that I can have the Sheriff show up at her office and tell her employer that he’s garnishing her wages.

I actually was there when a coworker of mine served her with the papers at her old work. She thought my coworker was a new client looking for a prospective home loan (she was a loan officer at the time). The look of astonishment, like she’d been slapped hard, was AMAZING. My coworker said that she’d never seen such a look of astonishment on someone’s face.

Looking back at it, I recognize the warning signs. I should’ve known just from the fact that she had to have her rich ass grandpa co-sign her car loan despite making money hand over fist in her job.

Also, the sex was fucking good. The attitude on that girl. I remember one time I took a shower with her and turned her around and pushed her huge ass boobs up against the shower. She turned to me with a look of indignation and said, “if you’re going to fuck me here at least run some hot water on the tile, it’s COLD!”

I gave her a look like “wtf?” because I really didn’t understand, and I think she took it to be me passing her shit test because then she grabbed the showerhead herself and ran it against the tile, simultaneously wetting her boobs down and making my penis take the rest of the blood away from my brain so I forgot how much of a cunt she’d just been and just railed her against the tile while she warmed up the wall herself.

I regret the things I didn’t do to her that she would’ve loved and would’ve made for an even greater story. I got off easy though, I think, considering I have no idea how I landed that chick in the first place. Crime of opportunity, I suppose.