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Friday, July 23, 2010

Occasionally, I'm going to rant about some nonsense and try to tie it into baseball. I can't promise it will always work. But let's see what happens.

I feel like I've been writing about strikeouts all week so I feel like I deserve a little break. I'm going to turn my attention to you for a post, America. I know you like your food and plenty of it. I've already covered your glutenous ways by discussing Friendly's grilled cheese bun hamburger. Now I'm concerned about what you're willing to spend on food. Throw on that Snuggie you call a shirt and buckle up those two 40-gallon trashbags that you're wearing for pants and let's look at a baseball food classic.

That, my portly friends, is a $69 hot dog. I know what you're thinking, "Where? And can I borrow $69? I just spent my paycheck on cases of Cheetos and Diet Pepsi." Well here are all of the details you need about the expensive wiener (hehe)...

This version is 12 inches long and pure beef. It's grilled in white truffle oil, placed in a salted pretzel bread bun toasted with white truffle butter, topped with medallions of duck foie gras with black truffles with side condiments of black truffle Dijon mustard, caramelized Vidalia onions and heirloom tomato Ketchup. All that can be yours for just $69, but you have to place your order 24 hours in advance to allow time for the "special ingredients" to be flown in fresh.

Hmm, fancy for a hot dog. I sometimes feel bad for spending $5 for a pack of Hebrew Nationals when I'm treating myself. Then I top them with bacon bits. My Jewish friends do not approve.

Don't worry guys. I know that you're concerned about what's for desert after your $69 hot dog. I have you covered. It's a $30, 5-pound Gummy Bear.

What's wrong with you, America? A 5-pound gummy bear? Why don't you just inject the diabetes straight into your bulbous ass? I'm just messing with you guys. In fact, I'm working on the prototype of a recliner/refrigerator/microwave that I think you'll love.