Founding Fathers despair! Obamacare has been upheld! A stunning defeat for personal freedom, morbid obesity, emergency rooms and funeral parlors! But perhaps more surprising than the individual mandate being upheld, is that some of the most controversial elements of Obamacare were also not ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court, largely because, despite what we were told by crazy drifters on public transportation and Fox News analysts (whose knowledge of politics and public policy are strikingly similar) they never actually existed. These included:

Death Camps

This the Supreme Court probably could have overturned. Given the Republican Congress’ desire to repeal Medicare Parts A through Z, because old people have the inalienable right to rot to death in their duplex living rooms with broken air conditioners watching Mama’s Family reruns without Government intervention, realistically, aren’t Death Camps pretty much just extraneous anyway?

The Tax Payer Funded Sickle Cell Cure Puppy Burning Factory

Not sure if you knew this, but Barack Hussein Obama is America’s first black Muslim President. At least we think that’s right. Anyway part of the motivation for Obamacare is to forcibly use tax payer dollars to find a cure for sickle cell, because, you know, he’s a black guy, and black guys get sickle cell (it’s how Easy-E died). Well the Department of Health and Human Services believe the cure can be found in the ashes of Labrador puppies (incidentally John Roberts is a well-known puppy burning enthusiast), and are already in the process of building a puppy burning factory in downtown Cleveland. Or at least that’s what Sean Hannity read on a Prussian Blue message board.

The Obamacare Langolier

Michelle Obama’s focus as First Lady is on preventing childhood obesity. What happens, however, if a child is already obese? This policy, one of the more controversial elements of Obamacare, takes care of those kids that would spend a lifetime, or what for them approximates a lifetime, driving up the cost of care. And by “takes care of” we mean kill them. This proposal requires the government to dispatch the Langoliers, those terrifying eaters of our collective past, to devour kids with a BMI of 30 or over. Particularly tragic news for iHops’ business model; future generations of Wisconsin sports fans; internet memes; King Curtis; and internet memes of King Curtis.

Doctor's Freedom to Grope Provision

As a way to cut down on malpractice insurance costs Doctors will be given expanded discretionary "touching" rights. Specifically they would be allowed to "rub the buttocks area for up to ten seconds while making up to 20 DBs of groaning sounds." And also would be allowed to say "let me check under the hood" before performing vaginal exams. This provision was proposed by Bill Clinton at a Johns Hopkins-held press conference during which he wore a surgical mask and stethoscope while clutching a dildo. He dedicated it to “one of his heroes”, gynecologist Dr. Eric “Otter” Stratton.

Expanded Diagnostic Powers

Doctors will be given expanded diagnostic freedoms allowing them to diagnose a range of subjective conditions such as: Patient exhibits dickhead tendencies and "this guy has a weird shaped head." Also would give Physicians the extra latitude to prescribe patients therapeutic remedies such as "Get a fucking clue" and "Look in the mirror each day and say to yourself: I will try not to be a raging fuckhead." They may also tell patients to "Put this bottle cap up your ass and call me when hell freezes over."