(Closed) Does being pregnant trump my wedding?

Hi Bees, I need some help. After 5 years of being with my guy we finally got engaged March 31st of this year. I should probably also add that out of those 5 years 3.5 of them were in a long distance relationship so to finally get to this point is very special. Our wedding is going to be June 21, 2013 and we are so excited. A few weeks after I got engaged I asked my closest friends to be in my wedding party. One of the girls is pregnant and due in late of October of 2012 so my wedding date is far enough out that she said she could still do it. I was also a bridesmaid in her wedding. Another one of my bridesmaid (pregnant BM best friend since they were 8) got engaged 5 weeks after me and is also getting married in 2013. I live in one state and my entire bridal party lives in another state so I am all alone up here with the wedding planning.

Pregnant BM was putting a lot of pressure on me from the second I got engaged. Stressing on when my wedding date was going to be, which I couldn’t set until I found a venue. Anytime I had a tentative date, she would immediately have an issue with it saying it conflicted with some other plans she had going on at that time. I probably should also mention that my fiancé and I are paying for this wedding ourselves and our budget isn’t that big which made it a little bit more challenging in finding a venue. 6 weeks ago pregnant BM and I were texting (she loves to text and I hate it). Before I knew it -the conversation turned into an argument and the last thing she said in a TEXT was that she couldn’t handle my drama or negativity and was dropping out of my wedding. I wasn’t giving her drama and I’m probably one the most positive people anyone has ever met. I mean sure I can get frustrated just like any other human being and I will vent when I get upset just like any other human being, but for the most part I’m A glass is half full kind of girl. The thing is I don’t even know what we got an argument about because everything happened so fast and it’s so easy to misconstrue someone’s tone in a text. We were going back and forth about dress shopping and I think she thought I was upset that I was doing it on my own (yes my mom also lives in another state) and I do admit I may have said one snarkey remark which was that I felt people I worked with cared more about my wedding planning than my friends back home, but I was not referring to her specifically and before I had a chance to clarify that, she was dropping out of my wedding. I immediately picked up the phone and she refused to take my calls or reply to my texts. I was devastated to say the least. This happened on a Saturday and I sent her a very short email that Monday stating how awful I felt and that I hope we could have a conversation about things once she cooled off. I also apologized in the email for anything I may have said to offend her. It’s been 6 weeks and I have not heard back from her. And looking back at how difficult she was in the beginning with putting all that pressure on me to set a date I wonder if she ever truly wanted to be my BM in the first place.

Since drop out BM is pregnant we have been planning a baby shower for her. I had a small part of putting some games together. I was planning my entire vacation around her shower. But it’s been 6 weeks and I have not heard from her. So yesterday engaged BM called me, (Best friends to pregnant drop out BM) and we had a long talk. She basically said that I have to understand that pregnant drop out BM is pregnant and has awful pregnancy hormones and this trumps my wedding. It doesn’t matter she broke my heart and that I was really counting on her to be there for me on my special day because she is pregnant and she kept stressing that pregnancy trumps wedding. When I expressed how sad I was that 6 weeks has passed and she has yet to reach out to me, she said that pregnant drop out BM was surprised that I had not called her. But I did reach out right after the misunderstanding, but she said it was too close to the argument and it doesn’t count. Engaged BM also said that I am obsessing over the fact that pregnant BM dropped out via text. That dropping out via text in 2012 shouldn’t be a big deal. I’m an old fashioned girl and I think certain conversations should be done either in person or over the phone. After I got off the phone with engaged BM I cried. I am not heartless and I do love my friends unconditionally, I want to be compassionate towards her and its killing me that we are not talking. So I started wondering maybe I do need to be the bigger person and reach out to her once more.

So my question to you girls is: Do I try to reach back out to her? Part of me screams no and can’t stop thinking about how she dropped out my wedding via text. I mean even if she was having a pregnancy hormonal fit that might excuse her for the moment, but to let 6 weeks pass knowing how much this has to be killing me. And then the other part of me simply wants to let her know I miss her and I hope we can make amends. I have been friends with this girl for 12 years! My other question is: do I still attend her baby shower? It’s in another state so I would have to travel to get there. Her baby shower is in 2 weeks! Again I am torn, part of me things hell no- she dropped out of my wedding in a text and hasn’t looked back, why should I still be there for her? But the other part of me still cares very much about her and was very much looking forward to celebrating her special moment with her. And I can’t help thinking what engaged BM kept telling me last night, that her pregnancy trumps my wedding day. But I am not sure how I feel about that. I have never been pregnant so I can’t possibly understand what you go through hormonally, but does being pregnant give you an excuse to act like a heartless A-Hole?

This situation has really put a huge damper on my wedding planning. I know it shouldn’t but it has. I could use some advice Bees. Thank you.

You should try to reach out to her again. Pregnancy hormones can make a girl act really crazy, but it’s hard to them be the one to admit you were acting unreasonably, so I would give her the benefit of the doubt and call her and let the past be the past. Don’t rehash it all. Just tell her that you’ve been missing her and you want to make this work and you would love for her to still be in the wedding, but if she has too much on her plate, you understand. You just don’t want to lose her over this.

Yes – reach out to her. Having a baby and planning a wedding are both very stressful but important milestones in people’s lives. While being pregnant doesn’t trump your wedding per se, it should be on equal footing. Tell her you understand that she can’t perform the duties of a BM, but she can help when she can and that you still want her as a guest at the wedding. And you’ll help her when you can. Two way street.

How many times in the past 6 weeks have you tried to reach out to her? Yes, she didn’t take your calls initially (I’m sure she was angry) but you could have reached back out a week or two later when things calmed down. I say you guys put this dumb argument behind you and just move forward. Make it clear if she is too stressed to be in the wedding that it is okay, but you’d still like her to be part of your day if she can make it. I can understand why she got upset about your comment – whether or not you were talking about her it’s better to remember that no one is going to be as excited as you are for your wedding, especially not a prego person who is having their first child. One does not trump the other, they are both equally exciting and important to the individual.