The State of Our Unions

Marriage may be a centuries-old institution, but couples today are making it their own, reshaping it according to their individual personalities and their shared beliefs. They are choosing when they marry, whether they get hitched in their teens or wait until their 40s. They are rethinking how they marry, with some looking to their faith to strengthen their bond and others challenging the basic principles of marriage (monogamy, anyone?). And they are standing up for whom they marry, inviting us all to examine our ideas of what marriage really means. Take a peek into the lives of these nine couples that have vowed to love, honor, and cherish — and created their own visions of the ultimate commitment.

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COVENANT MARRIAGE

JENNIFER AND JASON BARTON, BOTH 33 SPRING HILL, TN

When they wed eight years ago, Jennifer and Jason chose to have a covenant marriage — a special type of marriage that generally requires premarital counseling and makes it much harder to get divorced — as an expression not only of their deep commitment to each other but also of their Christian faith. They were married in Louisiana, one of three states that offer legal covenant marriages; by law they can get a divorce only after receiving counseling and only under very limited conditions, such as adultery or abuse. Today, Jennifer is a stay-at-home mom to their sons, Jake, 4, and Jonah, 2, and Jason is the lead singer of the Christian band 33 Miles.

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No turning back

"A lot of people think marriage is something you can take back to Wal-Mart for a refund if it breaks," says Jennifer. "Jason and I believe that God designed marriage as a covenant, a binding promise never to be broken. So choosing a covenant marriage was a way for us to say, 'My commitment to you goes way beyond the traditional marriage vows.' We even had to sign a recitation that said that we agree to live together as husband and wife forever. It solidified our commitment to each other in a very powerful way."

Love insurance

"Plenty of things stress our marriage: the two miscarriages we suffered before Jake was born, raising our boys in the midst of the music industry, figuring out who is going to pay the bills every month — something we both hate doing! But covenant marriage gives us a feeling of certainty that other couples may not have. We know for sure that these tests aren't going to do us in, because divorce just isn't an option for us. So we dig deeper, relying on our faith in God and love for each other, to make things work."

You before me

"Our faith dictates that selfless love is an important part of covenant marriage. The husband should cherish the wife and the wife should cherish the husband. Basically, we just try to think of each other before we think of ourselves. We try to throw the rule book out the window as far as 'roles' go and work together to accomplish our goals. Our motto is Team Barton, and we live it every day."

Ilana, a biologist, and Vadim, a chemist, each got married for the first time in their 20s. Close friends for years, they attended each other's weddings, just a few months apart. Later, after their first marriages ended, they became a couple. They've now been married three years and have two sons, Benjamin, 2, and Gavin, 5 months.

Starting out

"I met my first husband when I was in college and he was in graduate school," says Ilana. "We should never have gotten married in the first place. Even then, I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't a good idea. But all my friends back home in Texas were getting married, and I guess I felt pressure to settle down. And then things got too far along, and I was too scared to call it off. I was only 24, and I thought, Well, maybe it will work out. But we just weren't meant to be together. We got divorced three years later."

Starting over

"Vadim and I met at work. We got married around the same time, and then we got divorced around the same time too. So we talked a lot about what we were going through and tried to help each other through it. We just got along so well, and we started spending more and more time together, and then...voil. We married in June 2005. It was so different from the first time. I wasn't nervous at all; I didn't have any doubts. It just felt right. I knew I wanted to be with him, and I felt lucky that he felt the same way."

Second time's a charm

"Everything comes easier with Vadim than it did with my first husband. We come from more similar family backgrounds, which helps. I think he understands me better, and I think he tries harder. But I also appreciate him so much more. I pay more attention to potential problems than I would have in my first marriage — like when we have a stupid argument, I try not to let it develop into a bigger issue than it needs to be. Having been married once before, I want to get it right the second time."

Cass and John, who work as a traveling musical comedy duo, are polyamorists — literally, people who love many people. By mutual agreement, they're both free to have sexual and romantic relationships outside their marriage.

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No limits

"When John and I started dating, we never actually committed to monogamy," says Cass. "We always said, 'If you want to go on a date with someone else, just tell me.' And we never committed to monogamy in our marital vows either. We got married five years ago because we love each other and we knew that we wanted to make a lifelong commitment to each other. But being polyamorous means that we can also express the fullness of our love and affection for our friends and lovers without restriction."

What marriage means to us

"There's so much more to marriage than monogamy! There's the decision to live our lives as partners in all of our decisions, big and small. There's the growth from knowing someone for so long and learning to allow for the grumpy times along with the great ones. There's the amazing solidity of knowing that I'd do anything for John's well-being and that he would do the same for me. What do we get out of being married? What does anybody get from a good marriage? Trust. Faith. Partnership. Unconditional love."

Love is all around

"It's funny how it's easily understood that my love for my aunties doesn't diminish my love for my mother, but it's less acceptable to say that my love for my boyfriend doesn't diminish my love for my husband. It's like somehow the sex changes everything, confers an ownership on my love and on my body. I don't believe in that. Polyamory offers us so many opportunities for emotional growth. We live as strong, fulfilled individuals, and we have more to bring to the relationship because of it. Every day we choose to be together."

Kelly and Carlos got married when she was 25 and he was 27 — the average ages of American newlyweds. With their three children — Madilyn, 6, Michael, 4, and Sophia, 11 months — Kelly, a stay-at-home mom, and Carlos, a manufacturing associate for a biotech company, embody what many of us grew up thinking marriage would look like.

Living the dream

"It took me three years of dating to know that I wanted to spend my life with Carlos," says Kelly. "I am spunky, spontaneous, a bookworm, and very sociable. He was quiet, calm, and enjoyed working on his car more than reading a novel. But at the core, I knew we wanted the same things — love, a family, a home. He was kind, caring, and a gentleman, and he loved me and returned my love in a way I had always been looking for. When I finally realized that Carlos was everything I wanted in a husband, I proposed!"

Give a little bit

"When you're married, you have to be a team. Carlos and I each sacrifice a lot for each other. He drives two hours to work every day so I can stay home with the kids, and he gets home really late. We both get exhausted and we miss each other so much. But we both respect what the other person is doing to make a good family life."

Couple time

"When I was in the hospital recovering from my C-section after Sophia was born, we joked that I've got to have a baby every few years so that Carlos and I can have some alone time! Being able to chat while Sophia slept and the nurses brought us food — even if it was pathetic hospital food — was like a second honeymoon!"

Kate, an account executive at an insurance company, and Matt, a trader at an investment bank, lived apart for two years while Matt was in graduate school. They reunited last year, and Kate recently gave birth to their first child, Alexandra.

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Separate lives

"When Matt got into the MBA program at Emory, I was excited for both of us," Kate recalls. "The plan was that I would stay in New York, keeping my job, and fly down to Atlanta to see him on weekends. We'd been married for just two months before Matt started school, so we hadn't had much opportunity to get used to 'normal' married life. It wasn't until those first few weekends, when we both had plans that kept us in our respective cities, that I realized, 'This sucks!' Going to sleep and waking up alone every day got old fast. We talked on the phone several times a day. But it was hard when one of us needed a hug after a bad day and we couldn't physically be there for each other."

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Making it work

"Eventually, I became so much more independent — I went to movies and parties alone. I worked late without even thinking about it and did a lot of volunteering. Matt had plenty of time to study. He even made the dean's list. All the traveling and having a week's worth of catching up to do made our time together take on this honeymoon-ish quality, which was fun."

Reunited and it feels so good

"Matt came home for good just before our two-year anniversary. The hardest part was getting used to being more accountable to someone -- like we'd forget to tell each other what time we were coming home. But we communicate so much better overall. When he was in school, we didn't want to waste time disagreeing during our precious weekends together, so we learned how to confront problems directly by saying, 'This is exactly what's bothering me,' and then moving on. Now we're just enjoying each other's company. I don't have to get on a plane to see him!"

Rebecca, a pharmaceutical sales representative, and Jim, a psychotherapist, have been married for 12 years and have always known they didn't want children.

Child-free and proud to be

"When someone asks me if I have kids, I often feel almost apologetic when I say no, like I have to provide a 'good enough' reason or they'll take pity on me and assume I can't have children," says Rebecca. "But I just don't have the gene for wanting a child, and I don't think having a child would improve our relationship. I usually tell people that we've chosen to go the dog-and-cat route and leave it at that."

Just the two of us

"Being the only people in this relationship, we are each other's first priority, emotionally and otherwise. We are more communicative and can lavish attention on each other — something we might not be able to do if we were always focused on baths and homework. We also like that we get to live a bit more whimsically without children. We can take bigger career risks — I had my own business for a while and Jim started his own practice two years ago. We travel a lot, and we go out even more than we did when we were single."

Milestones

"We don't need to watch our children grow to measure how far we've come as a couple. On our anniversary, we always think back to what we were doing 'this time last year,' and inevitably there was something we were struggling with, whether it was new jobs, a new move, or something trivial, like when our AC died in August. It helps remind us that we can get through things together and eventually look back and laugh."

Gina, a classroom aide for students with disabilities, and Heidi, executive director of an emergency food pantry, were plaintiffs in the historic lawsuit that led to same-sex marriage becoming legal in Massachusetts. After 14 years together, they were legally married in May 2004 with their sons Avery, now 11, and Quinn, now 8, by their sides.

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Why marriage?

"The most important reason we wanted to get married is that we love each other, and we wanted to be responsible for and to each other," says Gina. "No one knows Heidi as I do — what her fears are, her hopes, her dreams. I know what she wants if she is unable to make decisions for herself. I know what she wants for our children. And she knows those things about me. Marriage makes us feel secure in our relationship and ensures that those wishes will be respected. It is a public statement of our love and commitment."

To honor and cherish

"I don't think we ever take our marriage for granted, even on a daily basis," says Heidi. "We know how precious and vulnerable it is, how easy it is to just be complacent." Adds Gina: "Some people think that we were not honoring marriage by pursuing the lawsuit. But the complete opposite is true, because we saw marriage as a way to protect our family and to stand up and have our community recognize us as a serious relationship. It wasn't because we were dishonoring what marriage can be, in its highest form. It was because we wanted to be part of something that we honored very deeply."

Marie and Nick married in their 40s — the first marriage for each. Three-and-a-half years later, Marie is now a stay-at-home mom to their son, Quinlan, 2; Nick is a public relations executive.

Hard habits to break

"Nick and I both lived alone for so long that we've had to learn how to involve each other in our decisions," says Marie. "Last year, Nick decided to move his company from the office he'd set up in our home to another space. He didn't mention it to me until he was ready to move! We had to talk about how this change wasn't just about Nick and his company — it was about the family too. Things have gotten better, but we both will probably continue to work on it for years to come."

Timing is everything

"I've seen so many people jump into marriages, expecting the other person to fulfill whatever void they felt in their lives, only to end up disappointed. But Nick and I realize that no one is perfect and you have to work through challenges together. Marriage is about loving and forgiving. Until you reach a certain maturity, you don't really get that."

Terrie and Phillip were each other's first and only serious relationship — in fact, Phillip was 16-year-old Terrie's very first date, period. They got married when she was 18 and he was 20, and had their son, Dustin, now 11, two years later. Terrie, who works for a major greeting card company, and Phillip, a merchandising trainer for a grocery store chain, also have a daughter, Casey, 6.

Child bride

"Whenever I tell people how old we were when we got married, I can see them doing the math in their heads," says Terrie, "so I automatically add, 'And no, I wasn't pregnant.' We were in love and didn't see a reason not to be together. Looking back, I really was still a child, and so was Phillip."

No regrets

"Back in my 20s, when my single friends would go out and party, I'd think, What have I done? But that was usually when the baby was crying. These days, I'm so grateful that I've never had to ask anyone out at a club — it looks really hard! Our married friends are just now having babies. I'm glad that phase of my life is over!"

Growing up, growing old

"I feel totally blessed that it worked out for us. So many marriages fail, regardless of age. I was lucky enough to find the right person at a young age, but the other part of it is that we have a real partnership. Neither of us brought any baggage from past relationships; we gave ourselves to each other completely. We love to watch our married friends who have all that old baggage — it's kind of like a science experiment. Phillip and I learned about relationships and adult life together. We really grew up together."