Morrissey, Boz Boorer and Mikey Bracewell are sitting in a
large office scented with subtle notes of jasmine and vanilla. Morrissey has a
cup of tea and a CD box in front of him, Boz Boorer is doing the Daily Star crossword, Mikey Bracewell
is scribbling furiously in a note pad.

Morrissey: 'Would you kindly
stop clicking that ball-point pen, Boz?'

Boz: 'Sorry Moz. I'm stuck on this clue. P'raps you can help
me, sir?'

*the seminal artiste sighs and sips his Typhoo with bag in*

Boz: 'Being a film buff, I'm sure you'll know the answer to
this one, sir-'

*the seminal artiste taps his fingers on the desk*

Boz: '-You're bound to know this one, sir, what with your
powerful memory and massive knowledge of clever foreign films and such-'

*An uncomfortable silence is punctuated by an irritable
jutting of the lower jaw by the seminal artiste*

Mikey B: 'Boz, I think Morr-ee-say
is waiting for the question.'

Boz: 'Sorry, sir. Well, it says Mario Brother...'

Morrissey: 'You said film?'

Boz: 'There was Groucho Mario and the other one, sir. I'm
sure it isn't Groucho. Too many letters, you see, Moz.'

*the artiste glances at his Patek Phillipe timepiece and
takes a sip of tea*

Boz: 'L-one. U-two.
I-three. G-four. I-five. So it is sir. But the first letter isn't 'L,' sir.
How strange, sir. Very strange sir, you're so rarely wrong sir. I've never
known anyone to complete the Daily Star crossword
as quickly as you, sir-'

*Mikey Bracewell stares at Boz with bewilderment in his eyes
and jots down what he said, carefully dotting all all 'I's and crossing all the
'T's*

Morrissey: '-the answer is Mario.'

*the seminal artiste gazes at Mikey Bracewell, smirks and
rolls his eyes, scrunching up the flesh around his nasal bridge, in a fashion
reminiscent of his classic 'The Culture Show' appearance*

Boz: 'I say, I say, sir. A trick question? At this time in the morning. It's just not
on, sir, Not the kind of thing I'd expect of the Daily Star. The Sun p'raps but not the Star, sir. This paper's
ordinarily so honest, sir. So straight-forward, tells is like it is, sir. Now
occasionally when I do the Daily Star crossword
in the afternoons, there's a trick question in there, but they're ordinarily so
honest, sir. In the mornings, they wouldn't do that to me, sir. Not the Daily Star, sir-'

*Mikey Bracewell glances up at the seminal artiste*

Boz: 'You can't beat the
Daily Star, sir. Can't beat it. It's the-'

Morrissey: 'BOZ! Shhhhhushhh.'

Mikey B: 'Boz, I think Morr-ee-say
has a headache this morning. It can't be easy, Boz. Do try to show a little
compassion. The entire future of pop music hinges on him. How do you think he
feels in the mornings knowing that the hopes and dreams of the entire pop world
are resting on his shoulders? Here
Morr-ee-say, let me massage your shoulders. You are very tense this morning, very tense indeed-'

*Mikey Bracewell massages the seminal artiste's shoulders*

Morrissey: '-Down a little.'

*Mikey Bracewell massages a little lower*

Morrissey: 'Up a bit.'

*Mikey Bracewell massages a little higher*

Morrissey: 'Oh for s*dding hell's b****** sake, sit down
Mikey, you're about as good at this as you are at writing novels and editing my
blog page. Frankly I don't know why I'm continuing to fund your lavish
lifestyle...'

Morrissey: 'That's a rather common-looking pen, Boz.
Couldn't you have borrowed one of my pens for this meeting, old son? We don't
want them thinking we're cheapskates...'

*the seminal artiste licks his lips*

Boz: 'Well, sir. This is
one of your pens. If you remember, sir, back in the wilderness years you asked
me to send off to Powerscreen mobile
washing equipment to get a couple of hundred plastic pens in return for
agreeing to use their pens at all future public events. It's all above board,
sir. All agreed on a contractual basis, sir-'

Morrissey: 'Wilderness
years, Boz? What wilderness years? I'm still right here, where I always
was-'

Boz: 'Sorry sir, I meant those years when you didn't, you
know, sir. Well... when you didn't, umm, well, have a record deal and all that,
sir-'

Morrissey: 'Ah, you mean the quiescent phase?'

Boz: 'Indeed sir, the fluorescent phase...'

*The seminal artiste rubs his chin and shakes his head, the
door flies open and two music executives enter, followed by a blonde girl in a
trouser suit, carrying a clipboard; the seminal artiste nudges Boz and glares
at his pen*

Morrissey: *shepherds Boz back towards his seat and mutters
under his breath*

'Boz... The pen, put the pen away, you s*dding
half-wit...'

*Boz puts the pen back in his pocket and sits down, the pen
falls out of his pocket and he tries to pick it up. He can't quite reach. He tries
again, gasping for air. He unbuttons his trousers and tries again*

Aaron Goldberg: Good morning, fellers. So it's Morrissey
and-'

Mikey B: 'Morr-ee-say.
It's Morr-ee-say, actually-'

Aaron: 'Morr-ee-say?
Nice to meet you Morr-ee-say'

Mikey B: 'No - this
is Morr-ee-say.'

Aaron: 'Nice to meet you
Morr-ee-say.'

Morrissey: 'And mesmerizing
to meet you too-'

*Aaron motions towards Mikey Bracewell*

Aaron: 'So who are you?'

Mikey B: 'I'm a former novelist and former webmaster to the
iconic star. The name's Michael.'

Aaron: 'I see. Well pleased to meet you, Michael. And you, I
suppose-' he states, gazing at Boz '-I suppose you are the butler?'

Boz: 'No-'

*the seminal artiste nudges Boz and laughs uncomfortably*

Morrissey: 'Yes, he's been with me for almost two decades
now. Lovely chap. Very good butler. Superb at ironing shirts... well not too bad anyway. His name's Martin.'

Aaron: 'Pleased to meet you, Martin. I'm glad you haven't
brought Boz and the other one, Morr-eesay,
because I have a few things to say about them later. It could have been
uncomfortable for them to hear what I have to say-'

Dick: 'Let's have some music in the background. I like to
have music videos on in the background during negotiations. It helps me focus.'

*Dick presses a
button on the remote control and switches on the 65 inch plasma screen. MTV
comes on - 'All Time Whitney Top 20'
- number two, I Will Always Love You.* Boz: 'Look, sir, it's Oprah!'

Oprah
Winfrey

*a loud thud emanates from underneath the desk and Boz
Boorer recoils, then huffs, puffing his cheeks out. His face grows pink in
colour, a bead of sweat appears on his brow, and his eyes begin to water*

Morrissey: 'Nonsense, Martin - that's Whitney Houston. Come
on now old son, let's have no racist jokes. We're all anti-racists here, old
son...'

Dick: 'Tragic, isn't it?'

Morrissey: 'Oh absolutely. I cried for days. At forty-eight?
Tragic.'

Dick: 'Absolutely. Aaron how are you holding up?'

Aaron: 'I'm just about coping.'

Mikey B: 'She was such a leader of her community... such an
important artist from a certain point of
view...'

Dick: 'Precisely. Aaron and I have been tearing ourselves up
over this-'

Morrissey: 'Was she on your roster?'

Dick: 'No - that's
the problem, you see. We've been wanting a dead one for a while now. Missed out
on Old Whacko Jacko and before him of
course there was Kurt Cobain... prime moribund musical real estate...
we'd heard via the grapevine all about Whitney's premonition... yet we didn't
act...'

Aaron: 'Inexcusible, really. We should have signed her up
the moment we heard about her premonition. Not signing her up is a difficult
decision to defend..'

Dick: 'We always miss out on the dead ones. We can't afford
to let another one get away...'

*the seminal artiste rubs his jaw and appears deep in
thought*

Aaron: 'Signing them dead is just not financially viable.
What we really need is a star that's almost
dead. A big name. Someone iconic...'

Mikey B: 'Oh absolutelyMorr-ee-say. Most of your songs are
about suicide... some would say your own tragic demise is almost inevitable... a boating accident most
likely...'

Morrissey: 'This life is nothing but an unending game
show... and the prize is death.'

*Aaron glances at Dick*

Aaron: 'I'm sorry to hear that, Morr-ee-say.'

Morrissey: 'Don't be. I've spent my entire life in ruins.
I'm almost comfortable with despair by now. Almost.
Just twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the inevitable...'

Dick: '-That's a shame because we were thinking of signing
you up, Morr-ee-say...'

Aaron: 'Yes but we'd need to keep you alive for at least ten years first to grow you big
enough to stand any chance of going down as an icon... I'm afraid if you died
today there's just not enough interest...'

Morrissey: 'Well, look, I'm not feeling that way inclined presently. As I always say, there's more
chance of Joyce receiving his million pounds than yours truly ending it all...
I've been waiting all these years for a tragic ending and it hasn't happened
yet. Perhaps I just need to accept I will still be here in 2022...'

Mikey Bracewell: 'It's almost inevitable.'

Aaron: 'Well that is good news. I hate to think of you
suffering... at least not in the
short term...' Dick: 'Let's talk sales.'

*Boz Boorer is gazing up at the TV
screen, as Whitney performs 'I Will Always Love You.' He's dabbing his eyes,
which look red and watery. His upper lip quivers.*

Aaron: 'We always go back four albums with established
artists...'

Dick: 'Let's start with that 90s album - what was its name?'

Morrissey: 'Hang on a minute. I can't quite remember the
name. Can you Mikey?'

Mikey B: 'Absolutely not, Morr-ee-say... I'm afraid its name
escapes me... that album was simply too
successful for my tastes... I prefer your more obscure pieces... you are by
nature anti-populist. I find such enormously
successful albums undermine your reputation as a high brow artiste...' Boz:
'Maladjusted.'

Aaron: '91 000? Are those the first week's figures? that's
good for the late 90s... for a fading alternative
act'

Morrissey: 'I wouldn't use the word 'fading' of course. That was back in 1997... not sure if those are
first week sales figures. They could just as easily have been download figures
or pre-order figures. Martin gets a little confused, you see. He's diabetic.
His blood sugars are quite literally all
over the shop. I'd have to check with the old record label... time for your
insulin soon, Martin-'

*the seminal artiste hands Boz a tissue to mop his eyes. Boz
mouths along to the chorus of 'I Will Always Love You'*

Morrissey: '-He's taken Whitney's tragic passing rather badly-'

Aaron: 'Okay, and your next album?'

Morrissey: 'The name escapes me but it sold quite literally a lot.'

Mikey B: 'Huge
sales figures. Unprecedented.'

Dick: 'What year was it released?'

Morrissey: 'ummm...'

*Mikey Bracewell rubs his fingers and looks puzzled*

Boz: '2004.'

*the artiste taps his fingers on the desk and laughs softly*

Aaron: 'So what were you doing from 1997 to 2004?'

Mikey B: 'Well you see Morr-ee-say
was fearful that he was becoming simply too
successful around the 'Maladjusted' era. His credibility is extremely
important to him, and so he decided to take a break from recording albums. What
you'd be getting with Morr-ee-say is
more than a mere pop singer. He is a counter-culture icon, a seminal artiste, a
virtual mythological archetype... some would also argue that he's a sex
symbol...'

Aaron: 'No that's okay. Actually you have a good voice,
Martin. Do you write songs?'

Morrissey: 'Yes, strange you should ask... Martin used to be
a musician before he became my butler. He has written quite a few songs over
the years.'

Aaron: 'That's good. Because we've listened to your latest
album 'Years Of Refuse' and while we
can see potential in the songs of Alain Whyte, who is now working with Madonna
as I understand it, you also have a songwriter called - what was his name?'

Dick: 'Boz Boorer.'

Aaron: 'Boz Boorer wouldn't know a pop melody if it hit him
in the face-'

Morrissey: '-Strange you mention that. I've been telling Boz
for years he needs to up his game and
produce some fascinating pop
melodies. The days of 'Reader Meet
Author' and 'Now My Heart Is Full' seem
like a distant memory now. You know Boz, don't you, Martin? He used to be such
a talented songsmith... used to know how to construct a pop song, back in the
day-'

Boz: 'I do, sir. I know Boz well. He'll get back to those
levels yet, sir. You just watch, sir-'

Aaron: '-Well if we sign you, Morr-ee-say, you'll need to fire Boz and that other one. What's his
name, Dick?'

Dick: 'No idea. Jesse somethingorother'

Morrissey: 'Well I am very open-minded. Let's rule nothing
in and rule nothing out at this very
early stage.'

Aaron: 'But make sure you keep Alain Whyte, Morr-ee-say.'

*the artiste stares into space and blinks a bit*

Aaron: "The 80s singer Morr-ee-say, who is now working with Madonna's songwriter Alain
Whyte" has a good ring to it... would sound good read out on MTV. Might
win over a few fans with Whyte's credibility as Madonna's songwriter boosting
your own flagging credibility...'

Morrissey: 'Yes, well, we might have to discuss this further
as negotiations progress...'

Dick: 'The deftness and subtlety of
its predecessor's sound has been stamped out. Morrissey's backing band, hardly
renowned for their lightness of touch at the best of times, seem more stodgy
and leaden than ever: the bass is distorted, the drums thud grimly along at
mid-tempo, and Ringleader of the Tormentors' beautiful orchestrations have been
elbowed out. As with a lot of Morrissey's latter-day solo material, its target
market appears to be people who heard the Smiths and thought: if only this
stuff was less beautifully nuanced and original, a bit more ungainly and
predictable, then we'd really be
getting somewhere.'

Morrissey: 'Petriditis.'

Mikey B: 'Dick, Petridis is a Guardian writer-'

Morrissey: '-Hack.'

Mikey B: 'Quite Morr-ee-say.
He's a hack. He has little credibility in the British music press. Having
conspired with his Guardian and NME chums against Morr-ee-say I'm afraid he has no credibility at all when reviewing
a Morr-ee-say album-'

Boz: 'He's a liar too.'

Aaron: 'You should sue, Morr-ee-say. We could help you. What
did he lie about?'

Boz: 'He said 'Years
of Refusal' was a parody of a Morr-ee-say
record. In fact, it wasn't. It was a genuine attempt to write a pop
classic, wasn't it, sir?'

Morrissey: 'He's a c*nt. Twotters
constantly. Hair like Mr Bean and eyes like a New Labour cabinet minister.
Honestly, you can't seriously think that review reflects the views of the music
industry more broadly. 'Years of Refuse' - I mean Years of Refusal - received sterling
reviews throughout Belarus and Portugal. Why focus on the Guardian? It's a spell-binding album in parts. There's a
wonderful guitar solo on that one... the one... that one that sounds a bit like
'Swallow On My Neck'...'

*the seminal artiste opens the CD box in front of him, and
takes out the sleevenotes. He unfolds them carefully at a marked page and
places them in the centre of the desk, pushing them towards Aaron and Dick*

Aaron: 'Would you consider shirtless backing dancers, Morr-ee-say?'

*the seminal artiste's eyes fall upon the sleevenotes in the
centre of the desk, he makes eye contact with Sarah, and his eyes linger before
returning to the sleevenotes*

Aaron: 'As well-maintained as you are, we do always issue
advice to our artists not to go shirtless once they've hit twenty-six. Even
with Marky-Mark and Justin Timberlake. It's considered a turn-off by the
public-'

Morrissey: 'With all due respect, you
haven't seen the scenes in the mosh pit when I do a bit of the old shirt-removal antics-'

Dick: 'This fat one looks a bit like you, Martin-'

Morrissey: 'Yes that's actually Boz Boorer - Martin's brother. What I could do in the interests of artistic development is sack Boz Boorer
as musical director and hire Martin Boorer in his place. Would you be
interested, Martin? Since these music executives have correctly observed your
musical talent while singing a Whitney
classic-?'

Boz: 'Yes, sir. Thank you very much sir. Thank you.'

Aaron: 'It's good to see you're flexible, Morr-ee-say. Some of these older artists-'

*the seminal artiste licks his lips*

Aaron: 'Some of these more
experienced artists are a bit rigid.
Stuck in a rut. But clearly you are the exception. All we need to do now is to
fire Jesse whatshisname, find you a
facially tattooed artist to work with and get Lady Gaga on board for some
input, get you a bit of a make-over, possibly some plastic surgery, put you on
a diet and set up a spontaneous 'social media' thing so your new fans can 'discover' you on YouTube and Facebook.'

Morrissey: 'As it happens, we already have a blog and
twotter-'

Boz: 'He's doing very well. Over 5000 followers.'

Aaron: '5000 followers per day or per week? That's a
problem you see. Bieber's getting 5000 per day.'

Boz: 'Total. 5000
total. he's doing very well is Moz. very well indeed. Zero to 5000 in little
over six months...'

Packed full of funny lines - a wonderful choice for Boz's birthday. Some of my favorites: 'I didn't realise Karl Marx had a brother''Years of Refuse''A virtual mythological archetype'And of course, 0-5000 followers in 6 months. Such a delight to see this one again.

I've just re-watched the Culture Show interview to try and see the scrunched up flesh around the nasal bridge. It is indeed there. Such attention to detail in the writing. The author of this piece must really, really study every single twitch Morrissey makes.....well of course they do! Narcissism begins at home. http://youtu.be/6juHoJGrj6Y

I was thinking the same last night, how striking the attention to detail is . Its wonderfully descriptive too, "sitting in a large office scented with subtle notes of jasmine and vanilla". "The seminal artiste dabs his brow with a lilac-coloured silk handkerchief"Such fine points enable you to lose yourself in the words.Very accomplished writing.

I love small details such as the patek phillipe time piece.Speaking of dead one's how well do you honestly think a rockstar's death improves their sales, in the real world it seems to be the best thing they could do for their career, especially the younger the better.There's been a despicable article I haven't even read circulating around lately "Is Morrissey still relevant at 58?"We didn't ask you! And the answer is obvious if your writing an article at all in the days of Trump, no publicity is too extreme.

Indeed. The final line, "Do you still have the number for Santuary (sic - bloody admin guy!), Mikey?" and 3 days later (on Morrissey's birthday), Morrissey's official Facebook page announces, "The Rebirth...Day?" with a picture of the Trojan record label motif - Trojan being a part of Sanctuary. And they call these 'coincidences'?