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Funny satire stories about sex toys

A campaign has been launched by the 'Alliance of Human Escorts and Sex Workers' for a ban on robots designed for sexual pleasure.
'Non-humans have made the hard work of flesh and blood sex workers look far too easy', said Union spokesman Tommy Tal...

AUSTIN, TX - As the race for governor in the great state of Texas inches closer to a climax on November 4, Wendy Davis claims frontrunner Greg Abbott is waging a war on dildos. Davis thrust the subject into the pubic, er, public spotlight this we...

New Zealand Prime Minister John Key announced today that he intends to adopt "a full frontal position", and sport a merkin.
On the heels of the Scottish bid for independence, and riding the wave of referendum, Key sees changing the national flag...

BUG TUSSLE, AK -- Despite its treatment of its employees, many of whom receive minimum wages and no health or other benefits, Mallwart has the reputation, whether deserved or not, of being a "family-friendly" retailer.
However, in the wake of rece...

Airports in the UK and US are now having to install express lanes for exhibitionists who pack adult toys in their hand luggage in the hope that they will be asked to 'prove they turn on'.
Security staff are exasperated at the number of passengers...

A judge in Wisconsin has repeated the performance of the "Penis Pumper" Judge of a few years ago.
Although Judge Larry Witherspoon denies the charges, the device fell out of his robes as everyone stood for him to leave for the day.
Several atto...

A local man, Claude Davis of Sevierville, Tennessee says he knew he had to get to the doctors in a hurry when he woke up with a green weenie this morning!
"Maude come her quick!"
"I was getting us some breakfast!"
"Look here. I done got the green weenie. It'll fall off and what will we do?"
"Oh, let me take a look-see, It was doing real fine last night. It does look green and kinda wri...

Here's a tip from an Old Time reporter: Get rid of any old sex toys or this might happen to you.
Martha and I were saying goodbye to our grandson who was headed off to college when he came downstairs from the attic where he was looking for his luc...

BROOKLYN - Lady Gaga says that she can hardly wait to get back on the touring circuit and show the world that she is a much better performer than Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Jennifer Lopez.
Lady Gaga, who is recovering from a vocal cor...

MADISON, Wisconsin - The state known as The Cheese State has just announced that it has just acted on a petition that has been signed by tens of thousands of Wisconsinites.
State Senator Bindy Gladys Fogmund, [R-Milwaukee] noted that a vast majori...

After 30 years of maritial bliss a couple in Dunfermline, Scotland, decided to spice up their lives by buying a vibrator for the wife because the man was entering his hit and miss phase and she too.
They ordered the huge thing over the internet wi...

DALLAS, TEXAS (ABSNN) - The masked, knife wielding robber who stole $500 in cash and a $150 penis pump from a Dallas adult video store today was apprehended only four hours later at Parkland Memorial Hospital according to the DPD.
"We got a ph...

New York - A mixed squad of undercover and uniformed police has broken up "a sex ring" that was attempting to distribute "vibrating devices" in "broad daylight" at locations in Rockefeller Center and the Meatpacking District.
The disrupted giveawa...

Financial expense questions continue as it can be revealed that Commons Speaker John Bercow spent hundreds of pounds rushing to a tryst with wife "Long Tall Sally' in her ill timed and ill fated efforts to appear on Big Brother!
Speaker Berco...

These are sad days for Ellen Bridgeport. She feels that her once beloved vibrator, who she affectionately named Bruno, no longer has the same sexual energy that he once did at the height of their relationship.
"It's just so frustrating", exclaimed an exasperated Bridgeport. "Things are just not the same between me and Bruno. I mean, this has been going on for a while now!
"I can remember...

Jordan, aka Katie Price, has already marketed her own clothing brand but the 'Sex-Goddess' (her own assessment) is to go one further by launching Jordan Sex Toys.
She told this reporter, "Well, since everyone's already seen me in action on most go...

In a sweeping plan to ban plastic bags which have left Brits Breathless, the European Union is taking the first step to shut down deviate sex practices which they say affect the Health & Safety of the British Public.
Plastic bags , since inven...

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