Country Living Series

Monday, May 15, 2017

How to hate your husband

This is some of the strangest drivel I've read in a long time. We are informed:

On this upcoming day of celebrating mothers, here’s a cautionary note, something many mothers-to-be don’t expect when they’re expecting: If you have a husband, you will hate him when your kid is born. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t be fooled by the pictures on your social media feed of your friends serenely beaming with their infants. When they’re not letting you know they’re #SoBlessed, they’re probably fighting.

(First of all, note the phrase, "IF you have a husband." Now you know the direction this is coming from.)

So new parents are stressed, overtired, and having trouble adjusting to the constant demands of a seven-pound helpless human being. Um, what else did you expect when a new baby came into your formerly kid-free lives? That you'd be able to treat it like a puppy, lock it in the pantry, and go out to dinner?

The article seems to center on the shocking reality that women are much more attuned to the needs of their baby than men are ("A baby’s cry was the No. 1 sound most likely to wake a woman, it didn’t even figure into the male top ten, lagging behind car alarms and strong wind"). Again, duh. The author acts like this is something scandalous and disgraceful.

Men aren't mothers. Men don't carry the baby in utero. Men don't breastfeed the baby. Men are protectors and defenders, not nurturers. (Please don't misunderstand, I know men care for their babies; what I'm saying is, their biology is geared for defense/protection, not the sensitive nuances of infant care.)

The author of this article seems to spend a lot of time explaining why her man is scum because he's not as responsive to the immediate needs of a newborn as she is (she terms it "colossal asymmetry"), and why she decides he's nothing more than a knuckle-dragging caveman:

I thought I had married an evolved guy—one who assured me, when I was pregnant, that we would divide up the work equally. Yet right after our baby was born, we backslid into hidebound midcentury gender roles as I energetically overmet my expectations.

Sheesh, sister, suck it up. What on earth did you expect? Biology doesn't conform to feminism. Women are mothers, not men.

My advice: Get some immediate counseling for postpartum depression before you send what sounds like a very decent man fleeing into the night. Then read this article.

23, idealistic, honestly believing men and women were THE SAME and men just chose not to invest effort in "the things that matter..."

Well. Older and wiser, I'm no fanatic for biological determinism, but there are DIFFERENCES. There are things men JUST DO, and there are things women JUST DO, and being attuned to tending an infant (toddler, preschooler, child, teenager) is one of the things women JUST DO.

Will you feel resentment as you are the one up at 12, 2, and 4 every morning for six months when you BOTH have demands that necessitate your being awake in the daytime (I have yet to meet a home-maker who can "sleep when the baby sleeps" without the feces hitting the fan at home)?? YES. YOU WILL. Don't kid yourself, sister.

The key word there is FEEL. Just because you feel it, doesn't mean you ought to dwell on it, or act on it. Those feelings are a self-righteous, self-indulgent tendency to self-service. You have a job to do. It isn't all sunshine and roses (in case you were sheltered enough to believe the mythology about parenthood). Go ahead-- FEEL resentful. It's normal. But then remember all the stuff he does that you're not so good at. Remember that this time is short, and will soon pass.

Although, yes, I did always appreciate my husband giving me a bit of a pass on being tired, emotional, forgetful, and disorganized when I was sleep-deprived with a little one. I'm a woman, not a divine being.

We were in the rare position, with our 2nd, to have my wife have to go back to work right away; I am a logger, so my work drew the short straw. As opposed to the first baby, I handled this one 80%. Slept on the sofa next to the baby's room and brought her down for feeding, then back up, spent the endless hours. For sure, now, as she is turning five, it was the hardest work I'd ever done, but I was capable. She turned out amazing so far. A truly blessed child has two parents, a husband and wife; hate should never enter the equation. Frustration, temptation, rage, sure, but never hate. Child rearing has made our Union a Sacrament twice over, God knows who I'd been, or where, without my wife and kids. We started with nothing, still have nothing; but we have this great endeavor that we share. We need each other to do this properly, if for no other reason. Doing it by ourselves doesn't seem an option, I honestly never entertain the notion.God Bless!

After not getting pregnant for 10 years we were settled that we weren't having kids. Then suddenly I was going to have a child and we both agreed that it wasn't going to change our lives. When she was six weeks old and wanting to be nursed constantly my husband was frustrated that I wasn't cleaning the garage with him and said to me that he thought we had decided that she wasn't going to change our lives. Now 26 years and three kids later, we laugh at ourselves and how stupid we were.

Well obviously not all of us hate our husbands after the baby is born. I'm not in the habit of getting intimate with people I hate, yet I have 7 children by the same husband. Sounds to me like the author is suffering post partum depression and trying to justify wallowing in it instead of using her intellect to get over it.

The reason nobody tells expectant mothers about it is because it isn't true! I expect her next article to be telling us how she hates the baby, too.

Oh yeah! I get that. My wife washes the dishes before she loads them in the dishwasher. If I put glasses and cups in there It isn't in "the right" sequence (I believe cups go to the back and glasses to the front or is it...).

IMHO if you feel the need to "energetically overmeet your expectations" please feel free to do so but try not to make too much noise because I'm watching TV.

Yup.....and what those "energetically overmet my expectation" women don't realize? Plenty of women who would appreciate someone who would LOAD THE DISHWASHER at all.

For the record, sir, a cup or glass can absolutely be washed in any location in a dishwasher successfully...with the exception of the silverware tray...because it they won't fit. And I guarantee those items will also unload into the cupboard without a national crisis.

Many women don't have the luxury of being that picky. You have my blessing to watch TV...of course, you probably aren't doing that right either.

(My former actually had to call me one day while I was on a week long trip to ask how to turn on the dishwasher. Silly me, why would he know how to run it....I installed it lol)

Wondering if she "hated him" at conception too! If I were him, might want to strongly think about it for another child with this woman. I also think some humans should perhaps think about NOT BREEDING. Agree that she may also at some point hate the child as well. Children being what they are (not perfect). Husbands/Fathers are also not perfect. What planet was she from anyway?

To be fair though, we might want to read her book on "How NOT to hate your husband after children" Then form a better opinion, of course the caveat of the phrase "if" you have a husband is a product of our "hook up" culture and in a news piece that now 44% of women who have children are without a husband at all.

Kind of tells you something that maybe women of today really don't want a husband (if he's just another kid to take care of). There are those men out there that qualify in this category sad to say.

Well , my sister had warned me this "feeling" would show up and told me not to act on it , it is just exhaustion and frustration . And it did show up , I am glad I was warned . I hate to disagree , I did not read the article, but I was glad I was forewarned . Too often young women are told you will have miraculous bonding with the new babe , your soul mate will be your biggest cheerleader , and other such drivel , which sends many young women off to divorce court because it is like a nightmare instead of a fairy tale. My personal experience. After 3 months I finally was able to nap a bit and heal and begin to enjoy my completely new rearranged life with a regular human male , and a new person who was real demanding but cute , who had moved in for the next 18 years.My Aunt who had 6 kids , finally told me it was all normal and not to worry , I would find a new normal , and to treat my husband kindly in the meantime , until I felt kinder , that would come too. As I look back at that time in my life I see it as a time of breaking the selfishness off of me , it hurt a lot , because there was a whole lot more of it than I had been aware of. Karen Jones

THE LAST GENERATIONS HAVE BEEN REPEATEDLY TOLD THAT MEN AND WOMEN ARE THE SAME.so they believe it. along with all the other politically incorrect drivel that has been hammered into them.i am almost 70 and this stuff started when i was in college.i am from the 'hidebound' South, so none of us disbelieved our eyes, our ears, and our personal experience.we all knew men are different from women.my generation still enjoyed bridal magazines, and looked forward to having husband and kids.girls planned the color schemes for the houses they hoped to inhabit with their own families.those days are over.we have sown the wind and we see the whirlwind.i am sorry for the babies because they will be resented and will grow up in homes where there is resentment and fighting or in homes where dad is absent.we are seeing the really big whirlwinds which have been spawned by these false teachings.liberals are the best at denying reality.what they see, what they hear they don't believe.poor things.