A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.
The friend says, "How can that be?"
The widow says, "Well the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I had to make a donation to the church, that was $500. Then I spent another $500 for the wake,food and drinks. The rest went for the memorial stone.
The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."
__________________________________________________ ______________

"Hello, is this the Sheriffs office?"
"Yes"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call sir."
The next day the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust up every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey Virgil, this here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Happy birthday buddy."