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The Strain just keeps getting stranger and stranger, and the characters on the show keep making terrible life decisions that put not only themselves but the entire world in danger. In this episode, the four plane survivors are released from quarantine (yes, we’re serious), Thomas and Abraham have a pissing match, Eph does some things with his family that are borderline irrelevant and the French father regrets letting his dead daughter into the house. Let’s break down the best scenes from last night’s episode of The Strain.

Abraham and Thomas: If there is one thing we learned from the Abraham-Thomas scene, it’s that Thomas is a complete jerk and he must be killed. Abraham (a Holocaust survivor) is visited in prison by Thomas (definitely a vampire). Apparently, these two lads go way back. Thomas taunts Abraham through the glass by calling him by his “number,” which is tattooed on Abraham’s arm. Side note: It took a lot out of us not to insert a Les Miz gif here. Thomas also asks Abraham if he still has “her” heart. Remember that heart old-man Abe was feeding with his own blood in the pilot episode?

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Thomas rubs salt in the wound by saying, “She struggled in the end and she called out your name, but you weren’t there to save her.” Aca-scuse me?

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So, who was “she”? Obviously someone Abe loved dearly. Perhaps a mother, lover or daughter? Poor Abe looks like he’s trying so hard not to cry during this whole interaction. Unless that’s just what his “vengeance face” looks like.

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Abe lets Thomas spew his threats and insults while he just squints at him, and then responds by saying, “When I get out of here, I’m going to chop you up into little pieces with my special sword that doubles as a cane and put you in the North Sea with your friend, who I killed back in the day. So, BAM!” That’s basically what he said … in a nutshell. We can’t wait for Abraham to be released and show everyone how vampire-slaying is done! #FreeAbe

Custody hearing: Eph has a custody hearing coming up soon and … oh, wait—we don’t really care. Call us when the ex-wife and son start slaying vampires on the streets of New York with Abe, or draining people dry with their protruding tentacle feeding tubes.

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The survivors are not all right: First, we find out that somebody (Eldritch, we think) is covering up the Regis airplane debacle, claiming that it’s carbon monoxide poisoning or something; then, the four plane survivors are released from quarantine, which is pretty much the worst decision the team in charge of airport-quarantine protocol has ever made. Eph and Nora agree, and they try to stop their release, as more ammonia is found at the death scene where the detective was killed by the the Master, but Joan has lawyer-ed their way to freedom. Luckily, they convince the pilot to head to a hospital for further observation. Unluckily, the other three survivors ignore the fact that their eyes are blood-red and they’re hearing voices (it’ll pass, right?), and head home to share their love-worms with the rest of the world.

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Oh, and later that night, Joan, Gabe (rock-star dude) and Gabe’s manager (Regina King) celebrate their release over some dinner. Joan’s gums start bleeding and hurting, so naturally, she ignores it and calls it a night. For being a successful lawyer, she sure is two plums short of a fruit pie. These people are truly idiotic.

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Gabe also suffers from some side effects while he’s having a foursome with his groupies and bites the neck of one of the girls. No, not like a “love” bite—more like a “she’s going to need immediate medical attention” bite. He then proceeds to lick all the blood off the floor because, obviously, it’s delicious. Ew! It appears as if sanitation isn’t a concern for transitioning vampires.

Meet your Master: Thomas takes Eldritch (the old dude with liver failure) to go see the Master and greet him after his long journey to the States. Eldritch acting like a badass with liver disease in the pilot didn’t seem to carry on to this second episode, as he seemed to be crapping his pants the entire time.

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Eldritch walks up to the tomb, feels the dirt (because that’ll make meeting the king of the eternally damned easier), then prepares for the main event … the Master. The Master theatrically appears—long black cloak and all—and tells Eldritch that he’d better have the decency to look at him, being that he helped bring him all this way. Tears in his eyes and urine in his pants (we’re guessing), Eldritch turns to the Master and witnesses his long claws and what seems to be his nine-foot stature. Pretty sure old man Eldi passed out after that … and not because of the liver failure.

What’s up with the rat guy? We were introduced to a new character this episode, Vasiliy Fet, who is played by one of our personal favorite up-and-coming actors, Kevin Durand. You Losties might remember him as one of the ship’s crew in Lost season 4. (We’ll stop there for those of you who haven’t watched yet. Remember, Netflix is under $10/month. #WorthIt.) Vasiliy plays a Russian pest-control worker, who appears to have a no-nonsense way of doing things. He barges into a downtown New York City restaurant, finds a rat, shows all the patrons the rat (tasty, right?), then shuts it down. Meanwhile, we’re sitting here thinking: What does this have to do with the Master and “the strain”? With del Toro and Cuse as the wizards behind the curtain, we’re sure a twist has to be tied to this storyline.

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Scrub-a-dub-dub,one partially dead daughter with a healthy appetite in the tub: “Papa” seems too happy that his daughter has returned to realize (a) that she has skin that’s as translucent as a jellyfish, (b) that her eyes look like they’ve been open underwater for an hour in a pool that’s just been shocked with a gallon of chlorine, and (c) that she sits and does nothing, as an evil demon of the night would do. Has she seriously always been this creepy that he wouldn’t notice all the factors of a preteen vampire in the making?

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Daughter of the year starts telling her Papa, “J’ai faim,” which means “I’m hungry” in French. Papa thinks his little angel wants a grilled cheese, when what she really wants is … his carotid artery! Yep, she has formed a worm-like tongue like the rest of the zompires (zombie-like vampires, as we affectionately call them), and she sticks her blood-sucking tongue right into her papa and drains him dry. Then she leaves him hanging across the bathtub while she lies in lukewarm water (as zompires do).

We’re completely lost on Eldritch’s game plan for the Master. Perhaps he’s trading something for immortality, but what? And why were there four survivors if they are transitioning into vampires anyway? What makes them different from the other dead passengers, who rose from the morgue like zombies? Most important, we want to know when Eph and Abe team up, because we all know it’s coming.

Is The Strain shaping up to be one of your new favorite shows? It’s definitely at the top of our list! Sound off with your thoughts and let us know what the heck you think is going on with the Master and his minions. Until next time … #FangsOut.

Expression Of JoyThe Brady Bunch: Groovy! The Bradys: Ritual hugging Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.” Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you? The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…” The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been) Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!” Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?” The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical ProblemThe Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen. The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed. Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents. Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer. The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical SolutionThe Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens. The Bradys: Bobby gets married. Married…With Children: They hate him. Thirtysomething: If only we knew… The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

Attitude Toward SexThe Brady Bunch: Never heard of it The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it! Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No. Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident. The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses FightThe Brady Bunch: They don’t. The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens Married…With Children: Tooth and nail Thirtysomething: They stop talking The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into TroubleThe Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette. The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair. Married…With Children: By committing felonies Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket. The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.” The Bradys ”Next time, ask.” Married…With Children: By the authorities Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face. The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For FunThe Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon The Bradys: Has flashbacks Married…With Children: Exchanges insults Thirtysomething: Talks The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved MysteriesThe Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die? The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use? Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other? The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst BehaviorThe Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

Best Reason To WatchThe Brady Bunch: This is what life should be. The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now! Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it. Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life. The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To WatchThe Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses. The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now. Married…With Children: She has a point. Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real. The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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