Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. May 13 – 19, 2016

Call your mom today and explain that mercury was poorly aspected for the last week, which is why you couldn’t call her on Mother’s Day. Then explain that saturn is now transiting your second house, which is why you need to move back in and borrow 500 hundred bucks. With planetary justifications like that, she’ll happily welcome you back.

INYF, Aries. You are the most likely to have a skin care regimen that takes HOURS, and a diet that ensures as many “age-defying” antioxidant pseudo-science supplements as you can find. But then you rage drink and wake up looking like an old leather thrift store purse or plot revenge on an innocent ex-lover all night long– so the bags under your eyes rival bloodhounds. Here’s a youth tip for you: drop the goji berry lotion and the hate. It’ll do wonders for your wrinkles.

INYF, Taurus.You make one of the best sidekicks of all time. Always there with a juvenile one-liner to break the tension, a story to fill the awkward silences. You are the antidote to the tight-lipped family dinner, and can navigate your way through a traffic stop to a warning. This is all great on an occasional basis– people need a little depth and real emotional you stuff, too. Take off the motor mouth and settle into a little reality, some of your friends are getting tired of your schtick.

INYF, Gemini. You have a reputation for getting bored easily, needing to do lots of things. This is patently untrue– you don’t get bored easily, you give up easily. You decide that you were bored, rather than take responsibility to do the work. It’s not your brain’s fault you couldn’t finish your degree, it’s not your hand’s fault you couldn’t master guitar – you just got bored. Right.

INYF, Cancer. How many times a day do you regret what you did the day before? How many replays of a conversation do you need to do before you let it go? Big breath in– and exhale with this: “I’m an asshole, I fucked up. You’re an asshole, you fucked up. The world’s an asshole, everything’s fucked.” It’s your fault, it’s everyone’s fault. Stop picking at yourself on the little things, or you won’t notice the big things that are coming.

INYF, Leo. Your role this summer is like Lando Calrissian: bigger than life, admired and trusted. But you’ll also be forced into a place of tough decisions: you will have an opportunity to betray folks (even if it doesn’t feel like a choice, it is) but the unpredictable part of this is that the chance for redemption isn’t guaranteed…. Follow your conscience, or you’ll be seen as a Vader sympathizer.

INYF, Virgo. You are a fantastic green thumb, but your passions don’t lie in growing abundance out of manure and dirt. This is why most Virgos don’t learn of their natural growing superpower. You’re more a pesky plant person– the venus flytraps that require specific humidity and live bait, the orchid hybrids that die if you look at them wrong. If you haven’t before, pick up that hobby this summer– you’ll have Audrey III soon (and a good place to hide the bodies).

INYF, Libra. I’ve been hard on you lately regarding your general disregard of people and particular carelessness towards your friends. To be honest, you can be a wonderfully loyal friend, and your tendency to flake out on people is generally aimed at those who don’t matter to you. This is a one-time pass: you’re a good person, a great friend. I’m sorry that things have been rough lately; you’ll be getting back to your ditzy, erratic-self soon.

INYF, Scorpio. Camus (a fellow Scorpion, and about as true a Scorp philosopher as can be, outside of Billy Graham– for real) is often misattributed to this quote: “Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” This is wrong– it’s missing the true Scorpio ending that Camus actually added: “so I can stab you in the back while smiling at your face”.

INYF, Sagittarius. Horse-asses are always busy with too many things to do, even when they have nothing to do. They can make sitting at a table all day long smoking Basics as exhausting as a day spent working building homes for Habitat for Humanity. For many, the idea of action is as much work as the action itself, and they can spend hours talking about it to avoid getting anything done. Here’s advice this week: shut up and pick up the hammer.

INYF, Capricorn. No one understands the misery you suffer through, the sacrifices you make to take care of everyone else. Most people attribute this attitude to Pisces, and they’re right about that. This works for aquagoats when you add the following: “It is better to force assistance on others than to leave them to their own devices, because you know what everyone else needs, and they do not.” It’s a thankless job, forced, unwanted charity.

INYF, Aquarius. Be curious, not furious. You generally misunderstand other humans because you have such a difficult time coming to terms with your own humanity. This lends itself to mistakenly assuming that people are jerks like you. Your neighbor planted those flowers because they’re pretty, not because they attract bees (you mellisophobe). Here’s a tip: TALK to the “offender” before taking offense, you’ll have a much more relaxing week.

INYF, Pisces. You want to know how to stop from feeling like you’re drowning? Take the time to learn how to swim. If necessary, reach to one of the many life preservers that friends and family have been handing you…but this time, use the life preserver to stop, observe, and make decisions that will keep you from drowning. You’ve been treating the life preservers as a gaspy break, just to head right back to drowning. Break this cycle and think before you act.