Overreactions To A New Follower On Instagram

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There’s nothing worse for your self-esteem than cruising Facebook for hours in an untagging spree, during which you stare at pictures of yourself for long enough to decide that you look heinous in even your most flattering photographs, much like you’d do to some girl you hated. It’s so easy to look at your two-dimensional face and realize you are too pale, you have dark circles under your eyes, your lips are non-existent, and you have a fucking witch nose, even after you bought a new one. Engaging in this kind of self-loathing either means you hate yourself a little bit, you really are heinous, or you have serious self-image issues, possibly a combination of the three. Regardless, I should definitely you should probably be in therapy.

Enter Instagram. Voila! You have pinker lips, brighter eyes, tanner skin, a smoother complexion, and the ability to blur out any part of your body you don’t like. Thank heavens we finally have a medium with which we can alter our appearances in a way that is socially acceptable. We all knew (and judged) those girls who photoshopped their pictures on their Macbooks back in 2010, and that was just tacky.

Yes, Instagram is fabulous, but with the advent of any social media comes a set of social (media) norms. Since I’m an expert on behavior that is considered “normal,” I’ve taken it upon myself to outline the absolutely ridiculous ordinary reactions you’ll have when you’re notified that you have a new follower on Instagram.

A Girlfriend

Depending on how close you are to her, you will go through a series of reactions. First, you will immediately follow her back and stalk the shit out of any existing pictures, liking all of those that you see fit. It’s not weird, because you’re friends, which may mean you’re actual friends, but it usually means you had a drunken heart-to-heart one time and have since continued to occasionally comment on each other’s Facebook statuses because you “fucking love” each other. You will ask your roommates whether they follow her and judge accordingly. Does she post too many selfies? Is she aware that she’s using the blur feature improperly? Why has no one told her not to overuse hashtags? Is there a valid reason for her having used the “Kelvin” filter? Is there a valid reason for anyone to use the “Kelivn” filter, ever? Does she do anything with her life besides take pictures of her dog? These are the questions you will ask yourself. You will then text her an “Oh my God! How were we not following each other on Insta before?” If she is new to the world of fauxtographers, you will make sure to upload a ridiculous pic stitch to “welcome” her to the social media sharing app, or get a ‘Grammable photo of the two of you the next time you see her out.

A Boy

Any kind of boy counts, really: a boy you are kind of dating, a boy you are definitely not dating but wish you were dating, or a boy you used to be dating. It’s all the same. In these circumstances, it is not only appropriate, but expected for you to stop what you are doing, round up every person you’ve ever come into contact with, bring them to some central location where you’ve set up a jumbotron, and then announce that within a few months, you are to be wed to the boy who has just followed you on Instagram. If you don’t have ready access to a jumbotron, a group text will do. Your friends will agree that he totally loves you, and you’ll need to alter your Instagram accordingly. Go through each photograph, carefully deleting Throwback Thursdays if they occur with too few pictures in between. Everybody knows if you’re overusing #tbt, it means you don’t have anything interesting going on in your life now. If you’d previously posted any semi-fugly pictures, now is the time to remove them. Delete any comments left by you or your friends that suggest you are anything other than a perfect future Mrs. Him. Be sure to complete the process by uploading a picture that accidentally accentuates your T&A, without making it look like that was your sole intention (even thoughit was). Your Instagram has essentially transformed itself into nothing more than a means to show this boy how pretty you are and how cool your life is. Follow him back a few days later, to make him think you weren’t putting too much thought into it. Your goal is to make him believe you are off doing something fabulous which required you to be away from your phone up until the follow-back, which you are obviously wont to do.

A Frenemy

Be she your frenemy, the girlfriend of your boyfriend’s frenemy, or any other snarky bitch with whom you typically find yourself at odds, you will at some point be followed by some evil skank whore who you hate for reasons that may or may not be justified. In such situations, it is important to proceed with caution. There is no doubt in your mind that she has only followed you because of her hatred, and that in doing so, she has allowed herself the ability to use photographs of your life to mentally derail you any chance she gets. You can’t block her, because that shows you care. You need to show her you don’t give a damn, by creeping the shit out of her, feeling overcome with unprovoked anger, screen shotting her hideous pictures to your best friends, starting at least four separate 30 minute shit-talking sessions, and then passive aggressively replying to a comment she left on a mutual friend’s photo without ever following her back. Any time you feel like reminding yourself how much she sucks, you can repeat the process. That will show her. As long as she’s as big a dumbass and/or attention whore as you are and hasn’t made her account private, you win.

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co