The Reserve Squad: Morace named coach of men’s national team

Mere days after firing Dale Mitchell as the coach of the men’s national team, the Canadian Soccer Association made the surprising move Tuesday of naming newly-hired women’s national and U20 coach Carolina Morace to the men’s post as well.

“We believe that with Carolina’s impressive resume, she is ready to take on all of these responsibilities,” said CSA spokesperson Richard Scott in a release. “We are looking to go in a new direction with our national program, and she will help take us there.”

Morace will be treading in unchartered waters, becoming not only the first woman to coach a men’s national team, but the first person to coach more than one national team simultaneously.

“Perhaps some will say we are putting all of our eggs in one basket,” said CSA chairman Dominic Maestracci, “but when you spend so many years just searching for a basket, and you find one, where else shall you put your eggs?”

When asked about the arrangement, Morace struggled to express her sentiments in English, which is not her native tongue.

“I feel like they are taking great advantage,” she said. “When contract says to take program in new direction, they do not make program clear.”

Maestracci attempted to clarify: “What she meant was, having control of all aspects of our national program, men’s and women’s, would be a great advantage, because she could more clearly take the program in a new direction.”

Reaction from the players on both national teams was mixed.

“We’ll see how she does,” said defender Jim Brennan, a vocal critic of Mitchell’s. “For right now, I’m excited at her selection and look forward to working with her. But get back to me in two years. I’m sure I’ll have changed my tune.”

“I don’t know,” said men’s captain Paul Stalteri. “It’s good that they’re giving her the chance, but do we have to keep our shorts on in the dressing room now? Can we spit? Do we have to actually hit the toilet when we piss?”

“This is a disgrace,” said striker Christine Sinclair, already identified as one of Morace’s favourites. “We finally get someone who’s going to use us properly, and we’ve got to share with the boys. Typical. That prick de Vos had something to do with this, I’ll bet.”

The CSA refused to answer questions about the logistics or pay structure of Morace’s new deal. Maestracci would say only that “this happy confluence bodes well for the Association’s tight fiscal situation.”

However, an email sent from an informant identifying themselves only as “S. Hart” suggested that when Morace got around to fully understanding what was being asked of her, she would be “on the next plane back to Italy.

“And when that happens, the CSA will need to look inward. But will there be anyone there to answer the call?”

The informant then answered his own rhetorical question with a capitalized “NO.”