Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Teen Love: A Journal on Friendship

Kimberly Kirberger

Dear Teen, if someone told you that they knew of a way that you could understand yourself better, develop inner security, become a happier person, like yourself more, be a better friend and possess an all-around more positive attitude in 5-20 minutes a day, would you be interested?
Journaling can achieve these things and it only requires a little bit of your time and your honesty. I receive hundreds of letters a day from teenagers like you (in fact one could have actually been from you) and some of the most profound ones are in response to the two journals I have compiled. I hear from teenagers who swear that their lives have changed completely because of the time they spent answering questions, reflecting on who they are and having the courage to go deep and discover their true selves. I hear over and over again that their self-worth and self-love increased greatly as a result of completing their journals.
This journal starts with “Being Yourself” and takes you through challenges in friendship, making friends, hurt, betrayal, jealousy, cliques, groups and popularity. It then deals with the hardest part of friendship: friends in trouble. So that we could finish up on a positive note we end with a celebration of friendship in the chapter “The Best of Friendship.”
My favorite thing about this journal is that in each chapter we have the “Best Friend's Pages.” This is a section that your closest friend will fill out. I suggest that you give your friend the journal to fill out BEFORE you begin to do your part. Ideally you will both have a journal and be able to fill out each other's “Best Friend's Pages” before filling out your own.
When you are filling out your own pages you will encounter some challenging moments. You will be asked to remember some difficult and painful experiences. The importance of working your way through these questions is that each time you are willing to face your pain and examine a painful experience, you can then truly put it behind you. There are also many questions that will help you to understand what kind of friend you are and the nature of the friends you choose. For most people these are questions that will bring back both happy and sad moments. You will be examining yourself and looking at what is important to you. As I have said many times, the better you know yourself, the better off you will be in all areas of your life.
It is my deepest hope that this journal will help you to see and understand the importance of friends. I also hope it will remind you that as humans we all make mistakes, we all misjudge people and we all need to learn to be more forgiving of our friends and of ourselves.
Learning to be a good friend is a process and we are constantly faced with opportunities to practice what we learn along the way. I hope that this journal will provide you with the guidance needed to get to know yourself better and to appreciate this amazing thing called friendship.
Friendship Is . . .
On our Web site I posted the following questions about friendship. This is a small sampling of the answers. I want to thank all of you who took the time to respond to my questions.
What makes you mad at your best friend?

When she breaks promises.

When she ignores me, or doesn't fill me in on plans.

When she doesn't call back, or breaks our plans to go out with her boyfriend.

When I'm ignored. Actually, that makes me more hurt than mad.

What makes you mad in general?

Close-minded people.

Liars! I just don't like people who lie.

People who are mean. People who think they know everything.

What is the nicest thing you have ever done for a friend?

Helped someone with their schoolwork.

I think that the nicest thing a person can do for another person is to really listen to them when they need someone to listen to them.

In eighth grade I liked this guy who liked my friend, and I told her I didn't like him anymore so that she would date him. I knew if she knew I did like him, she wouldn't have gone out with him. I try to do nice things every day.

What is the meanest thing you have ever done to a friend?

I told my best friend I hated her and never wanted to see her again when we were fighting. I regret it because I said it out of anger and I didn't mean it, and I'm sure it's hard for her to forget that I said it.

Talk about her behind her back.

Lied to her.

I am still really good friends with my ex-boyfriend, Kyle. We had been dating on and off for five months when one day I just got bored and broke things off out of the blue. It really hurt him. Luckily we are still friends.

What is the nicest thing a friend has done for you?

My best friend has always been there to give me advice, and she's helped me come out of my “shell.” Now I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be.

I was in an accident and the guy who was with me sat with me and bought me a teddy bear just to show he cared.

Try to help me realize that I wasn't alone in the world.

Didn't exclude me.

For my birthday, my friend Kyle filled my room with roses and daisies (my favorite flowers) and made me a little “Story of Us” book. It was so sweet.

Listen to me complain and help me solve my problems.

What is the meanest thing a friend has done to you?

Talked about me behind my back.

Ignored me and talked about me behind my back.

My (ex) friend was always talking about me behind my back to my other friends. She had something against me and tried to turn all of my other friends against me. It kind of split my group of friends in half.

What do you want to know about your friends?

The one thing they look for most out of life.

If they really hurt as much on the inside as I do.

What do you want your friends to know about you?

That I want nothing more than to be a strong person. I also want them to know that I put on a good mask because I'm very seldom truly happy. What I want most out of life is to be truly happy, but I don't know what I need that will make me happy.

Who I really am and not the person I pretend to be.

That I make mistakes.

That I love them and I'd do anything for them.

What do you look for in a friend?

Someone who will be there for me through thick and thin; someone who is honest and caring; someone who I can tell my deepest secrets to; someone who's not afraid to tell me their deepest secrets; someone who has a good sense of humor; someone who has goals; someone who will just listen to me without judging me.

Someone who is honest, fun to be with, who likes me for me and can take the good with the bad.

Someone who is nice and understanding.

A good listener!

Someone honest, not completely self-involved and fun.

Someone who is trustworthy, loyal, kind, fun to be with, funny, not really ditzy, a good listener and someone who likes me for me.

If you could change one thing about friendship, what would it be?

Make it more open emotionally. If someone has a problem, it can get taken care of more quickly and easily.