The close call that’s brought me closer

I think on some sub conscious level we always know when things are drastically wrong. I believe we always have the ability to sense when tragedies are about to occur.

Not in a pessimistic, “all is doomed” sort of way, but in a finely tuned in, sensing, “feel it in your gut and your bones” sort of way.

I also think that most of us are really good at ignoring these signals because we just don’t feel we have the time, or that we deserve to pay that much attention to ourselves, until something goes so drastically wrong, we absolutely have to stop and take notice.

That moment occurred for me this past week. The world demanded that I stop and take heed and wake up.

This past week has opened me up on so many levels I will not even begin to try and explain all of them in this one blog today, but I am sure the theme of great awakening will resound in everything I bring forth from now on.

New me

This week I came very close to a very scary place but at the same time I found immense love and I said good bye to fear.

I will get to my story in a moment. There is just so much to let out. It is like my brain is so clear and completely on fire.

Maybe it’s the meds?

In a couple of my recent posts I had written about this new found urge I was having to slow down, to take in the things that matter even more, and I also dabbled in my thoughts about my new found approach to wellness and what I think that is for each of us.

When I first wrote this blog in 2010 I introduced myself and told all of you that I was (still am) on a road of exploration too, and I want my struggles, and triumphs, and revelations to also be a source of comfort and inspiration for all of you, because in this life, we struggle, we feel great pain, and we hold a lot of fear.

But I have always known, always felt deep in me, in a place I can’t even really pinpoint, that if we can just let go and get to the other side of all of those emotions, or more importantly, just let them co-exist, and accept them, life is simply beautiful.

This past Wednesday I was admitted into Ellis Hospital because my platelets had dropped to some scary low numbers. Normal range for platelet counts ranges from 150,000 to 350,000 on average.

My platelet count was 2,000.

It all made sense. As I have written in the past, and even this past week, this year I have been dealing with some health problems. Lyme disease, Candida, and (I think) leaky gut.

Things really started to get weird on Sunday, January 27th. I went to the gym and I felt really off. Clumsy. Having the sense of humor I do I just took it all in stride and laughed a bit. I literally fell over on my first Turkish Get Up. While practicing some jump shrugs, I brought the Olympic bar right down on my left knee. I bruise easy so I expected I would find one later, laughed it off at the time, and just kept going.

That evening, as I cleaned up for bed, I noticed a strange area on my neck, all deep red speckled dots formed in a cluster. Since the Lyme, I had been dealing with occasional skin irritations so I didn’t give it too much thought even though this was something new.

On Monday, I absent mindedly burned my tongue and the roof of my mouth on some hot water. I was annoyed, and even posted a joke about it on facebook. On Monday I also saw that my left knee looked really bad, bruised and swollen much greater than I would have anticipated. I also started to find similar red spots on my thighs, just as I still had clustered on my neck.

In the middle of the night, Monday, I awoke with something in my mouth. I went to the bathroom mirror to see that my tongue was bleeding and I spat up a big clot of blood.

On Tuesday morning, I googled “burnt tongue, bleeding” and I was relieved to see that some people do actually burn their tongue so badly, it bleeds, so I just rinsed with some salt water as recommended and got ready for my day. It did continue to bleed from time to time.

I got through Tuesday okay, but I did feel a bit off and tired. I even joked about my clumsy spells and self inflicted injuries with my clients!

By Wednesday morning when I woke up, things started to fit together. The first sign that alarmed me were two red sores I found that had developed on the side of my mouth and my tongue was once again bleeding. When I got ready for my shower, I then saw that the red specks I had on my neck and thighs had now completeley covered the bottom parts of my legs. There were also new ones on my belly and my hips.

Here is where I had my realization. “Could I be internally bleeding”?

When I was a kid we had this great dog, Taffy, who loved everyone. She was such a joy. At one point, after a routine trip to the vet and a shot, her belly became all bruised with spots and swollen. It was internal bleeding.

My brain went to that time and the sight of Taffy’s belly and I just knew. That dog was the best dog ever and the memory of her may have saved my life.

The rest I have explained. I will say that I was in dire shock yet relief when the nurse told me the result of my blood test. Ellis admitted me and proceeded to give me a blood transfusion, two rounds of an IgA drip, and the steroid Prednisone over the next four days.

I had a lot of blood taken. My arms look like a war zone but the skill and the compassion of the technicians who took my blood helped to ease all of that. My mind kept going to the thought of little kids with terrible diseases who have to endure this stuff every day, and my situation really didn’t seem so bad.

I want to take the time to deeply thank ALL of the staff at Ellis, the doctors, the ER staff, the nurses, everyone who really listened and kept me feeling like, how I felt and what I was thinking really mattered. Can I just take a moment to say how important and HUGE that is when receiving care? Thank you Ellis Hospital.

Those speckles all over my skin, as I understand, are referred to as Petechia. Basically, the ends of my blood vessels were opening up since my platelets were so low.

As the days passed with my treatment, we watched my platelets go up to 110,000, down to 100,000, down to 84,000, then back up to 108,000 on Saturday. I was thrilled.

While waiting, and watching the numbers, I had friends come to visit me. They brought me dark chocolate, healthy yummy foods, books, Italian pastries (I gave those to the wonderful staff!), and lots of care and love.

Ellis released me on Saturday after my platelets went back up and I went home. Best day ever.

After getting home that day, I went out to dinner with my children, my parents, and my most wonderful boyfriend, and my heart was just so full. The rest of the weekend I spent mostly playing chauffeur for my kids, play dates, teen nights, sleep overs, and that also felt really good.

On the day I was being released, my dear friend from my childhood days, Elaine, sat there in my hospital room with me, along with my parents, and Elaine’s husband.

As I devoured my lunch, all packed and ready to go, and waiting to sign my release papers, I looked at her with all my new energy and healthy flushed cheeks and said “I feel like a whole NEW person!”

Elaine very matter of factly looked back at me and said,”Well, you kinda DID have a whole new person put in you.” (Blood transfusion. Very smart, Elaine, very smart!)

But it’s not just that. I left a lot behind with me at Ellis. I left the worry, I left my regrets that have been weighing me down for far too long, I left sadness, and I left my fear.