October 1, 2011

31 Days of Love Letters:: Sample

Below is a sample reading from my free ebook, 31 Days of Love Letters: Searching Scripture for How God Loves. The ebook is a gift of thanks to those who subscribe to my blog. The instructions on how to get the book follow this post.

Day 1: Intimate Love

The heart knows its own bitterness,

And a stranger does not share its
joy.

Proverbs 14:10

Funny that we
should start here today.

Yesterday
marked the five-year anniversary of one of the most difficult years I have
experienced thus far. On October 16, 2006,
my oldest son was diagnosed with autism. That word—autism—spoken over my son
and over my life on that day sent me into a yearlong spiral of grief and
confusion. Today, our first day in a search for
God’s love, has us in Proverbs, the source of a simple and important truth I
learned in that grief-filled year. How appropriate, I thought, that the Lord
would remind me of it today. I knew instantly that, with the combination of the
anniversary and the Love Letter chosen for today, God was reminding me of His
provision and, of course, His love.

One of the
most difficult aspects of navigating and processing my son's autism diagnosis
was being around typical kids. I noticed
everything: the way they talked to other kids, the way they hugged their
mothers, the way they tied their own shoes, even their interests and
curiosities. In those months, I left every play date, church event, or trip to
Chick-fil-a obsessing about what I didn't have and what my son didn't do. On
each car ride home, my son sat silent and staring in the back seat while I
sobbed and pleaded with God for a miracle. I wanted a kid who actually
interacted once in a while, not one who counted storage units or intently
searched for manhole covers.

Eventually,
the sadness and grief developed into bitterness.
Sitting at the playground, watching moms I didn't know push their kids on the
swings, I internally shot my bitter arrows directly into their hearts. Why did
they have it easy? Why did I have a child with a disability? I envied the
sweet, affectionate interactions they enjoyed with their children and the ease
of their mini-vanned, suburban lives.

Worse, I shot
my bitter arrows at friends and family, who did nothing but show me love and
support. It did not matter what they said or did
to encourage me. It was never right. It was never enough. Because nothing they
said could erase my pain or alter my circumstances. I felt utterly and
completely alone, like I was the only person on the planet who was going
through a difficult time. Certainly, no one could step into my shoes or know exactly
how I felt. Or so I thought.

And so the
bitter root grew wildly out of control, resulting in my own isolation and
compounded grief.

Doesn't this
happen all the time? Sometimes it is caused
by really hard stuff, like the death of a child, cancer, infertility, family
issues, unemployment, marital discord, or the death of a dream. Other times it
is caused by less-difficult stuff like frustration over external appearances,
work struggles, or stress.

We desperately want things that we don't
have.

We believe that no one can relate.

We whine and weep and throw ourselves,
tantrum-like, on the floor.

And we feel completely and utterly alone.
Who can understand our grief? Who can know our pain?

We feel that
we would be validated or that the pain might ease if someone just understood us. So we shoot our bitter arrows while we fruitlessly
wait for someone to come along who understands.

In the midst of that year, on a day when
I had picked myself up off the floor after a massive pity party, God walloped
me in the heart with Proverbs 14:10: "The heart knows its own bitterness.
And a stranger does not share its joy."

I know, it's kind of a weird verse, but
it basically says that there are feelings we have, both joyful and sorrowful,
that ultimately cannot be understood by another person. Sometimes we can't even
express how we feel to others, and sometimes even when we try, when we lay it
all out bare, we still aren’t fully understood. There are limits to human love,
and if we rely solely on human love for our comfort, we grow bitter and hard
and distant from others in our disappointment. Like I did.

Thankfully and incredibly, God loves
differently. He is not hindered or limited in His understanding or love. He loves us intimately. All those
feelings we feel about our life situation? All those thoughts we wrestle with? All
those struggles to comprehend and navigate our difficulties? He knows them even
more than we can articulate them to others, much less to ourselves.

St. Augustine
describes God as being "closer to me than I am to myself." Because He knows us intimately, He also comforts us that
intimately. He fully enters our pain because, unlike most humans, He can fully
handle its weight, emotion, and complexity. We can go to Him and be understood. And that is when our
pain is eased. From Him, we gather strength to face another day. Through Him,
we see others with His eyes and we realize that everyone has pain. In Him,
peace finds a dwelling place in our souls.

I don't know what you face today, but it
is probably something specific to you and your life. Whether circumstances big
or small, I hope you enjoy the comfort of godly, loving friends and family. But
when they aren't enough—because they never will be—I hope you will run to the
One who loves you with an intimate love.

Our Responses:

Run to Him, not just to others.

Some trust in chariots, and some in horses;

But we will remember the name of the Lord our
God.

Psalm 20:7

Trust His heart, not our own.

Thus says the LORD: "Cursed is the man who
trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the
LORD. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He
shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt
land. Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is
like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does
not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in
the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit. The heart is
deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? I
the LORD search the heart and test the mind,to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his
deeds."

Jeremiah 17:5–10

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Hello!

Welcome! My name is Christine Hoover. I am a church planting pastor's wife, a mom, an author, and a speaker who loves encouraging women with gospel truths. You can read more about me and what I write about by clicking on my picture. Thanks for stopping by!