Having An Affair Because of Unromantic Husband

23 December, 2019

Q
I am from a disturbed childhood and had an affair before marriage. I have low self-esteem. I am also very impatient and emotional type. My husband is a nice guy. But he is not as romantic as I wanted.

After fourteen years of my marriage, I get involved with one of my male colleagues, who is a poet. I was dysthymic and had depression before. But when I got involved with that guy I become so depressed. I told everything to my hubby. He supported me a lot. I had lots of suffering from my hubby, my children, and the whole of my family. I was so depressed that the doctor suggested me to admit in a mental hospital.

After some recovery, I again contacted that person. The person whom I got involved with was a Hindu and I saw him three times after I prayed Ishtekhara. Now, I feel guilty and I am still depressed. II love my husband but feel like that I am being selfish to him.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

• The first thing to do is to go back and consult the root of your problem.

• Seek continuous help for your depression.

• Find alternative ways to boost your self-esteem.

• Take time out each day for yourself to engage in activities you like. Some kind of sport or recreational thing, or something like studying or improving your Qur’an recitation skills.

• There is no harm in you trying to initiate the romantic gestures. Once he experiences it and comes to love it, he may surprise you some time and be the one to be romantic towards you.

• Trust that Allah will forgive you.

Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh,

It sounds like you are carrying a lot of guilt for having an affair. This continues to make you feel depressed. However, Allah is the Most Merciful so you can trust that there is a way out of this. Stepping up and admitting your problem and seeking help as you are doing here is an excellent first step in overcoming your difficulties. Masha Allah you also say you have a supportive husband that will help you in your recovery.

Firstly, go back and consult the root of your problem. People who have low self-esteem as your report will often find ways to boost their esteem to make them feel better about themselves. Since you got involved with another man, it seems this might be a way in which you unconsciously sought to have your self-esteem needs met. Unfortunately, this has to lead to even worse consequences as you now have to face the guilt of having committed a sin and betraying your husband.

Boost Your Self-Esteem

Find alternative ways to boost your self-esteem. Take some time to think about things that you are good at or even something that you want to improve on that you just like to do.

Take time out each day for yourself to engage in activities you like, whether it be some kind of sport or recreational thing, or something like studying or improving your Qur’an recitation skills. Either way, this will give you time to yourself each day to do something that makes you feel good.

Set yourself weekly goals with this activity to give yourself a sense of accomplishment as you achieve these goals.

This sense of achievement will boost your self-esteem in a positive and halal way. This will also then prevent you from seeking other ways to have your self-esteem needs met that are less favorable – such as having an affair.

Alhamdulilah, your husband was understanding and has stood by your side and been supportive when he found out you were having an affair. This is a sign of a good husband, which you know as you are happy with him and love him dearly.

However, you do also say that he is not as romantic as you’d like him to be. It may be that this is also a contributing factor to your poor self-esteem too. You seem you interpret this perhaps to mean that he doesn’t love you as much as you would like for example.

Romance

You need to understand that many people, both men, and women, that just simply aren’t inclined towards romance, or at least they do not initiate romantic gestures. This does not mean that they don’t actually love anyone. Likewise, it also doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t want to be romantic. It would just be that their shy nature makes them feel uncomfortable to do so.

If this is the case, try initiating the romantic gestures. Once he experiences it and comes to love it, he may surprise you some time and be the one to be romantic towards you.

Check out this counseling video:

Most importantly, amongst all this, you can ease your worries with the remembrance of Allah. Begin by sincerely repenting to Allah and asking for His forgiveness. Allah loves to forgive and loves when people repent to Him.

Allah is the Most Merciful. Ask for His forgiveness. Trust that He will forgive you. This will also help to relieve the emotional burden that you are experiencing due to having an affair with another man. Getting close to Allah generally will bring you comfort. It will develop a fear of Him that will prevent you from behaving in ways that are less favorable again in the future.

May Allah ease your burdens and bring you comfort. May He bless your marriage and may you find peace and contentment in His remembrance.

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Disclaimer:The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question.In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)