Written by

Amy Lorentzen

Special to the Register

My preschooler was busy with a game a few weeks ago as I snuck to the computer to check the latest news about the Boston Marathon bombings. Graphic photos of the scene were posted, including one of a man embracing a little girl near a barricade. He was holding tight to the scared child and speaking close to her ear. You could tell he was trying to reassure her.

I teared up at the terror and fear everyone on the scene must have felt.

“Are you sad mama?” asked my 3-year-old, who had quietly appeared beside me. “Yes,” I admitted, explaining that “Some people were having a big race and they got hurt.” His response was a sympathetic “Oh no!” as he watched my expression.

I explained there were lots of doctors and police there to help them now, and I tried to put on a cheerful face. He went back to playing. That was the extent of my interaction with him about the horrific attack.

But what do you do when your children are older, and more aware there’s been a tragic, life-changing event that’s happened? How do you help kids process that information? I asked Elaine Heffner, a New York-based psychotherapist and author of the book and blog, “Good Enough Mothering” (www.goodenoughmothering.com), to weigh in.

Most important, she says, is to know what your child can handle, and let them lead the discussion and ask questions. That will give insight on how much information and reassurance to offer. Try not to let your own emotions get in the way of recognizing what children are feeling, Heffner said.

“As adults, the events in Boston bring back the terror of 9/11, but as parents our impulse is to protect our children from worry or upset and to minimize an event as a way of denying its impact on a child,” she says. “Young children don’t have those same memories.”

What you choose to explain to your children about the attack will vary depending on their ages. The biggest question from youngsters will be worry whether this could happen to them or to their parents.

“We can’t assure our children that it won’t, but we can reassure them that we will always try to protect them as much as we can, just as our government is trying to protect all of us,” Heffner says.

She adds that children already know there are bad guys in the world, and it’s OK to say someone very bad was behind the attack.

“We can’t keep painful knowledge or experiences from them,” she says. “By listening and responding to what their own concerns are, we help them develop the mental and emotional muscles they need to confront things that are frightening or painful.”

Sarah Givant, a West Des Moines stay-at-home mother of three and blogger, says her 14-year-old daughter was saddened and frightened by the attack.

“She is full of hope and promise, and really questioning why someone would do something so awful,” says Givant, who blogs at www.aroundtheworldtotheleft.com.

While there isn’t a good explanation for such wrongdoing, she reminded her daughter that “our free society is something special, and we have to work to protect it.”

Her middle child got a glimpse of TV news earlier this month and wondered why people were hurt.

She guided the 4-year-old to focus on the helpers and heroes of the day, “then I made sure he was out of the room.”

When I posed the question on Facebook, a West Des Moines mom responded she wouldn’t be talking about it with her 7-year-old because the child would be too anxious.

“I know she’d be unnecessarily worried that something similar would happen to her.” Another mom says she discussed the situation with a child the same age, and a sibling who is even younger.

A Des Moines mom posted that this was the only time she’s been forced to hide the newspaper from her young children, saying she couldn’t even begin to explain how someone could be so evil.

Heffner acknowledges that “there is no one-size-fits-all answer,” and allowing your child to lead the discussion through their own questions is essential. “That’s why you should base what you do by what you know about your own child,” she says.