This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LICSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.

There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

Whether you are a salesperson or just looking to make friends, it’s important to build rapport with other people. When you establish rapport with someone else, they begin to trust you. There are a number of tools that you can use to create these deeper connections, including mimicking body language. Being an engaged, active listener also goes a long way. Give yourself plenty of time to build rapport with others, as it can take a while. But, in the end, it is well worth the effort.

Steps

Method1

Mirroring Body Language

1

Shadow the placement and movement of the other person’s hands. Watch to see if they are hanging their arms loosely at their sides or frantically gesturing in the air while talking. Try to incorporate some of these movements into your own style. This might mean moving your hands more or maybe keeping them more still.[1]

For example, if you are talking with someone who keeps their hands buried in their pockets, then mirror this movement.

2

Follow the other person’s posture. Look at your conversation partner, or the entire group, to see if they are acting casual or more formal. Are their spines straight and heads at attention? Or, are they leaning in various relaxed positions? Mirror the formality of the other people who you are around to show that you fit in.[2]

If you’re in a meeting and everyone else is sitting up straight in their chairs, then scoot a little forward in your chair and straighten your spine.

If your conversation partner is standing with their arms crossed, then you’ll want to weigh whether or not you want to appear equally closed off before copying their posture.

3

Match the other person’s breathing patterns. This is a more subtle way to get in sync with a conversation partner. Observe them closely to see if they are breathing from deep in their chest or more shallowly from their diaphragm. Try to match the pace of their inhalations and exhalations.[3]

You’ll also find that this helps to create natural breaks and pauses in the conversation.

4

Meet the energy level of the other person(s). If the person you are talking to is more shy and retiring, then talking with them in a hyper or enthusiastic way could be overwhelming for them. Similarly, if you are talking with an exuberant person, then being very soft-spoken might lead to one-sided conversation.

This doesn’t mean that you must change your entire personality or way of interacting. Instead, try to strike a balance that lets you bond with the other person successfully.

For example, if your conversation partner tends to speak softly when discussing serious matters, follow their lead if you have something important to add.

5

Mimic the tone and volume of your conversation partner(s). A person who speaks in quiet, soft tones can feel steamrolled by a loud and boisterous counterpart. Raise or lower your voice until you notice that the person who you are talking to is actually paying attention to what you are saying. If your partner is a fast-talker, you may need to speed up, too.

In some situations, the other person may be talking softly out of respect for their surroundings, such as in a museum or church. Showing the same situational respect is a way to instantly build rapport.

Method2

Building Rapport through Conversation

1

Mention an end to the conversation. This is especially important if you are talking with a stranger or acquaintance. Work into the conversation a mention of needing to be elsewhere soon. This will make the other person not feel obligated to talk for a long while, which will actually build rapport between you both.[4]

For example, in a work setting, you might say, “I have a meeting in 5 minutes, but I was wondering if you’d heard anything from human resources about the possibility of new hires.”

In a casual or social setting, you might say, “I’ve got to rush to finish these errands, but just wanted to see if you have any news about the Smith family.”

There are possible exceptions to this suggestion. For example, you might want to intentionally linger if you are meeting with friends or talking with a client who has questions to ask.

2

Ask for assistance. Come up with a small task that the other person could help you with. Then, bring it up to them and ask for their help. This will make them feel needed and important. It may also lead to them requesting a favor from you as well, which can further build your connection.[5]

For example, ask a co-worker to forward on that group email that you seem to have missed.

However, don’t go overboard in asking for help by making many requests or you may seem too needy. A good general rule is to avoid asking for more than you would be willing to offer in return.

3

Avoid correcting other people in conversation. Unless it is a very serious issue that requires an immediate correction by you, just give whoever you are talking to a bit of slack. If you correct every error, then you risk alienating others and appearing superior or arrogant.[6]

For example, if the person who you are talking to mispronounces a celebrity name, just let it go.

4

Listen to someone talking without always responding. Let the other person say their piece and just sit back and listen. Show that you are engaged in what they are saying by nodding your head or encouraging them to continue at intervals. As soon as they pause, resist the urge to jump right in with your own story.[7]

Steering the conversation back to them demonstrates that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say and want to know more. You might say, “Could you tell me more about your trip to the Cincinnati office?”

On a similar note, being visually present by putting your phone away or focusing on one conversation at a time can help someone feel listened to.

5

Intermix open-ended questions into conversation. These are questions that push for answers beyond a basic “yes” or “no.” They encourage people to expand on their previous responses. They also show that you are listening closely and carefully. Questions that start with “How?” or “Why?” are generally the best.[8]

For example, you might ask, “Why did you make that decision to move abroad?”

Method3

Developing a Relationship

1

Offer a small tangible or intangible gift. It doesn’t really matter what the gift is, as long as it is thoughtful and positive. It can be an item, such as a piece of candy, or something intangible, like a positive reference. The key here is to create a deeper relationship. In many cases, your gift will prompt them to communicate more with you or even offer their own gift.

For example, if someone is new to your office, you might give them a fresh set of stationery for their desk.

2

Be trustworthy. If you promise something, no matter how small, make sure that you follow through with it. Better yet, communicate your timeline to the other person. Building rapport is closely connected to building trust. If you are trustworthy, other people will see you as “safe” and will want to spend time and do business with you.[9]

For example, if you are a salesperson, make sure to carefully describe your product so that the customer knows exactly what they are getting. Then, you’ll get repeat customers.

3

Build your relationship slowly. If you push to become best friends instantly, then you will likely scare the other person away. Instead, enjoy each small step in your budding friendship and take your time. This is also important from a cultural perspective. Some cultures see it as outright insulting to discuss personal matters during initial meetings.[10]

As a general rule, let the other person’s degree of disclosure serve as your guide. If they delve into personal subjects, then you can, too.

Klare Heston, LICSW

Clinical Social Worker

Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.

EXPERT ADVICE

You can hit it off right away, but building rapport takes time. Social worker Klare Heston explains, “‘Instant rapport’ is an oxymoron. Rapport is built from familiarity and over time. However, you can be comfortable with another person upon first meeting.”

I'm thinking about trying this, but I'm afraid a part of me will feel like I'm manipulating the person. Help?

Community Answer

You don't have to manipulate people! Simply see where the conversation naturally flows when both of you start talking. Find what you genuinely have in common. There doesn't have to be anything manipulative about it.

Is there a quick way to tell if you have developed a good rapport with someone?

Community Answer

If you have a good rapport, you will likely feel very relaxed and comfortable when talking to the person. The conversation will flow easily, silences will not be awkward, etc., and, ideally, you will feel like the other person feels equally as comfortable with you.

You can ask simple questions like, "How was your weekend?" to get the conversation going. You can also ask about their satisfaction with the product or service that you are providing. Make sure that your questions are open-ended, so that they can expand their answers and provide more details.

Many artists build rapport with listeners by using lyrics that connect with other's experiences. For example, a song might discuss how you grew up, which could connect with other people who had similar childhoods. You can also build rapport by reaching out to your listeners in person or via social media.

Yes, you can build rapport with people while at a different tone or pitch. Just try to minimize your differences by using some of the other methods of building rapport mentioned above. You can mirror body language or ask open-ended questions, for example.

Tips

You can also mimic the other person’s use of acronyms, emoticons, or slang in e-mail communication.

You’re never going to match up with someone perfectly or connect with them on every level, and you don’t have to try to maintain a perfect rapport all the time. Just try to find 1 or 2 meaningful areas where you can make a connection.

Warnings

Be careful not to outright copy the other person’s behaviors or you might appear to be mocking, instead of trying to build rapport. Be subtle and only do what feels comfortable for you.

To build rapport, try to mimic the other person’s body language by adopting the same posture or making similar movements as you speak. Additionally, try to match the tone and volume of your voice to that of the other person, so they feel more comfortable in the conversation. You can also ask for help with small tasks to make them feel needed, which will strengthen your connection. If the other person makes a mistake, avoid correcting them, since it can alienate them and make you seem arrogant. For tips on how to use small gifts or favors to build rapport without going overboard, read on!

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This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LICSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.

"I think this is a really great description of rapport building. It is what good rapport builders do naturally, and has commonsense tips so people who need to build these skills to connect more easily with others, do not fall into just being a mimic. "..." more

AF

Alfred Fornay

Nov 15, 2017

"Communication is one of my subjects to teach this new semester. Decided to review the word "rapport" and your online information is insightful, clearly stated with the basics. "..." more

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AP

Alexander Povarov

May 30, 2016

"First time I've come across the rule of copying poses after a ten second pause. It's very easy. Thank you!"