Weekend Update - News Jokes

The Republican Party will declare pornography a public health crisis at their convention next week, so I'm sure that no one will mind then that we set-up a passcode for the adult programming at the hotels. Good luck watching such titles as The 69th Amendment and Poling Ms. Daisy now.

A federal court has ruled that sharing your Netflix password is a crime and it now could land you in jail. Thankfully I just finished season three of Orange is the New Black on my uncle’s account, so I’m sure I could handle myself.

Internet users furious at Kaley Cuoco for a picture she posted with her dogs sitting on an American flag. When asked if they would like to talk to her in person, they responded, “duh…ummm…nah, it’s cool” before retreating to their mom’s basements.

Kim Kardashian is worried that if she has a third child she will quote never be the same down there. I don’t have a joke for this, I just can’t unsee that imagine and I needed someone else to suffer with me.

A Florida man is under arrest after stabbing a friend in the back over two dollars he owed him. You should see where he stabbed the guy who owed him five dollars.