Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

Here I sit on pregnancy and infant loss awareness day thinking of my daughter I never got to hold wondering if any one even reads any of this or if its just all for my benefit that I right here? I miss her like crazy! Why did God have to take my sweet Sonya Marie my only daughter the one I loved before I even knew her the one I knew before she was born!? I was mad at God for along time how could he take my one and only daughter from me how could he be that cruel he knew how much I wanted her needed her how much I loved her! I would have been a good mommy to her. I still cry most days Why Why God Why did you take my baby? Where was he when I needed my miracle I heard in church that missioners prayed for a little girl in Mexico and brought her back to life where was god when I asked him to spare my daughter to take me instead where was he when I begged for her life those days before her death? I think of all the other mothers in my place and cry for them.I just miss her so so much and then five days from today his her birth and death date 2 years since I woke up screaming for my daughter after the surgery to take her lifeless body from me. 2 years since I begged them to let me see her but they wouldn't 2 years since my life was changed for ever.The three days before on the 17th I was so happy so clueless of what was to come next I was going to hear my sweet Sonya's heart beat again and that's all that mattered to me. There was no joy that day no hope no smiles like there should have been all there was was tears and fear. I will never be clueless again I will never be so naive as I was that day To think nothing could go wrong that I would never lose a baby Ha how wrong I was! How young that train of thought was.

I so miss her my heart hurts every day for her I want her so so bad.It's a pain I have never felt before and wish to never have to feel again but still every day here it is stabbing at me like a knife to my heart. Where do I turn I feel like no one really understands me how I feel my pain.

My children are the Joy of my life and I can't believe one of them is missing. I look at Logan and wonder if Sonya looked any thing like him? I didn't think I would love him because how could I love another child after I lost My Baby Girl how could I replace her with someone else? That's what it felt like when I got pregnant like I was replacing her I cried for along time because of this reason. I love Logan so so much he is my baby boy but I will always have a whole in my heart where my daughter should be. I love and miss her so so much.

On that day I lost her 2 years ago all I wanted to do was hold her all I wanted to do was see her face one time to kiss her and love on her before they took her away from me they couldn't even let me do that I begged pleaded cried to just see her but they said no she was in to bad of shape it would just upset me more she was mine I would have thought she was beautiful no matter what she looked like she was mine I didnt care I just wanted my baby why wouldnt they let me have my baby just for a moment just so I could say good bye? I will never forgive myself for not pushing them to show me her not screaming for her more not fighting more I always wonder if I would have fought more put up more of a fuss would they have let me see her?

So here is my point please on this day pregnancy and infant Loss awarness day please light a candle at 7 Pm your time so we will have a 24 hour wave of lite around the world to remember all the baby's we have lost so very young. Thank you for taking the time to read this I want every one to know about my daugther My Sweet Sonya Marie.