Search Results: Porn Sites

Name: ??
Gender: Male
Age: 33
Location: Miami
I have two unrelated questions: 1. I love anal sex but am concerned that as I age I run the risk of eventually becoming incontinent due to the sexual activity down there. Is this a valid concern or will my sphincter remain tight enough to hold everything in? I’ve read conflicting opinions. 2. My boyfriend likes the twinks. We’ve been together for about four years and even though I’m only a year younger (he‚s 35), part of the reason he’s attracted to me is my youthful appearance. We have a wonderful relationship — supportive and loving and the sex is great! We even have a semi-open relationship, which is working fine for us so far. However, I’m concerned that at some point he may try something with someone under 18. He enjoys visiting those Barely Legal type porn sites (which hold no interest for me and look illegal). I’ve discussed my concerns with him, and he says I have nothing to worry about because he’d never do anything. But on the other hand, he’s not the most disciplined person in the world. I’m worried that if the opportunity presented itself he wouldn’t be able to resist. If that happened, it would then present emotional and moral problems not to mention legal issues not just for him but (I’m assuming) for me as well. I guess
I’m not sure what my question is. I know the gay community (and really the world) is obsessed with youth, but does this sound like more than that? Do I have a legitimate concern, or am I being a prude? Obviously you don’t know my boyfriend, but I can’t discern if he just enjoys the fantasy of a younger man/boy or if this could become a problem. If it’s just a fantasy then I have no problem letting him have his fun. Heck, he can fuck all the 20 year olds he wants as far as I’m concerned. (Maybe this stems from my insecurity of growing older even though he insists he will love me even when I’m old and grey). But, if this is more than a fantasy then what do I do?
Thanks, Dr. Dick! Your faithful reader

Let’s address your two concerns in turn. First, regarding your ass sex question. Your typical butt-pirate has nothing to worry about in terms of becoming incontinent. However, you oughta do what every power bottom does to stay in tip-top shape down there — Kegel exercises.

Don’t know kegel exercises from a hole in your head? Not to worry. I’ve written and spoken so much about this timely topic, whicht applies to both men and women, I barely have the energy to repeat myself. So I won’t!

All ya gotta do is use the SEARCH function in the sidebar to your right. Simply type in the keyword “kegels” and PRESTO! Just like magic, all my posting and podcasts that include that topic are displayed. You can read and listen till your heart’s content.

To your other concern, the one about your BF’s interest in the barely-legal crowd; there’s not much you can do about this one way or another. Most of the adult people I know who have a thing for the young ones keep it on a purely fantasy level. Those who stray off the daydream path and onto a course of actual pursuit find themselves in all kinds of jeopardy. Not lest of which is the ridiculous nature of the quest. Sounds to me like your BF already knows all of this. But if he doesn’t, it’ll be he who pays, not you.

My advice to you is; take him at his word and worry not.

Name: james
Gender: Male
Age: 48
Location: sutton in ashfield
I have large veins that stick out on my testicles are these anything to worry about

Some guys have smooth balls; some guys have hairy balls; some guys have veiny balls and some guy’s balls are all shriveled up. That’s all there is to it.

As we age some of us develop varicose veins in our lower extremities. It’s the force of gravity, don’t cha know. Varicose veins can occur in our nut sack too. Sometimes this is associated with wearing a too tight cockring for too long a time. But it is just as likely to be an issue of genetics. Not much you can do about it and there is no real danger.

If you aren’t experiencing any discomfort in your family jewels, things are probably ok and I wouldn’t worry. However, if you are anxious about this, or there is soreness or tenderness or you have other concerns; take your huevos to an MD and have ‘em checked out. Simple as all that!

Name: Marcus
Gender: Male
Age: 47
Location: Southeast US
I am intrigued by nipple suction pumps, but cannot find much information about their effectiveness on guys. How long do your nipples stay enlarged? Is there any risk or danger in using one of these contraptions? Thanks for any help/direction you can give!

Nipple play is fun for both women and men. There are several ways of enlarging one’s nipples. There are low-tech suction devices, metal stretchers and the more high-tech vacuum devices. All of these systems are very popular. Have a look in My Stockroom for some examples. Just search the site using the key word “nipple”.

If you are a casual tit-torturer your nipples will stay enlarged for a few hours. If you are a hardcore tit-torturer you can completely and permanently alter the look of your nipples. Is there a risk or is there danger? Not unless you overdo it.

Name: Tara
Gender: Female
Age: 25
Location: Hoboken, NJ
I got this cute guy friend who’s asked if he can come on my vacation to Bangor, Maine (Stephen King’s home!). So I asked this guy, who’s single, if he wants one bed or two. He said it didn’t matter, so I booked one bed at the hotel. Does this mean he wants to have sex with me? I’m dumping down a ton of money, so I hope so!

How the hell should I know? He could be hot to get in your pants, or he might simply need an all expense paid holiday.

Why not just ask him. What’s with the coy routine? Of course, you could do like the hippies used to do and tell your cute guy friend — “Ass, gas or grass! No one rides for free.”

Hi, I have a question that I can not ask anyone else so I found your web site and would really appreciate your advice. Ok, so when I have sex sometimes instead of cuming when I have an orgasm, I pee. Sometimes I do cum though. But when it feels really good and I release, I release pee instead of cum. I just want to know if this happens to other people, and why this happens. And can I fix this. What can I do to make this not happen? I don’t like it happening. I feel bad for my boyfriend who has to have pee on his penis. Please, please, please take the time to reply to me. Thank you for your time. Have a great day.
— Anonymous.

Are you sure that what you are experiencing is pee? Could it possibly be that you are ejaculating? For a good deal of information on this, check out the site called The Clitoris.

Of course, lots of women feel like they have to pee when they cum. In fact, lots of women actually do pee as they cum.

If indeed you are peeing when you cum, I’d say you are experiencing what we in the business call — stress incontinence.

Stress incontinence can happen just about any time. Anxiety, stress, working out, jogging, fucking can all trigger this type of incontinence.

Curiously enough, research shows that younger women actually have more stress incontinence during sex than do older women. While only 3% of women over age 65 reported incontinence during sexual activity, 29% of women under age 60 did.

Regardless of the cause of the stress incontinence — nervousness, exercise or sex there is one common denominator. It’s always related to the strength of a woman’s pelvic floor muscles. The weaker those muscles are, the more likely a woman will leak pee during physical exercise, fucking, sneezing or even laughing.

While many women experience stress incontinence from time to time, there’s a relatively simple solution to the problem. Your pelvic muscles and the tissues surrounding them get stretched out and damaged with time. Pregnancies will also do a number on these muscles. They also weaken with age. And if you are overweight, well that will weaken pelvic floor muscles too as well as add to the likelihood of stress incontinence.

So you might be asking right about now, what IS this simple solution? Why, it’s Kegel exercises, of course. (See my response to the first correspondent above.)

Today, I will start with a declaration. A “Thus Sayth Doctor Dick,” sorta deal. I know I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. I reject the concept of sex addiction, that is floating around in the popular culture these days. I know this will rankle a bunch of you, but you need to get over it. Ya see, there ain’t no such thing as a sex addiction. Period!

That being said, I hasten to add that there are sexual compulsions, plenty of ‘em. However, compulsions are not addictions and addictions, while they may involve irresistible impulses, are not the same thing as compulsions. Get it? Got it? Good!

Check it out. With the help of my handy-dandy dictionary, a good place to start in all such discussions, I discovered these two very distinct definitions.

Addiction — a need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal. Broadly: persistent use of a substance known by the user to be harmful. A state of physiological and psychological dependence on a drug.

Compulsive — driven by an irresistible inner force to do something; i.e. a compulsive liar.See! Different words. Different meanings. Not a particularly complex notion to grasp, right?

And listen, just because a bunch of pseudo-intelligent afternoon talks show hosts banter the two concepts about like they were interchangeable doesn’t make it so. In fact, we do ourselves a huge disservice by jumbling these two very specific concepts. Because finding the proper intervention for either an addiction or a compulsive behavior will be as specific as the problem itself. One thing is for certain; misidentifying one of the things, as the other will surly complicate the problem solving. It’s kinda like going to the doctor with a headache, and when the doc asks where it hurts, you point to your stomach. It simply won’t do.

Dear Dr. Dick, I’ve been married for 5 years now and truly love my wife, however I can never seem to get enough sex. I am 30 and she’s 29, but I constantly find myself in the chat rooms and porn sites lookin for more sex. It’s more than just a hobby; it’s a habit! And if I have a few cocktails in me, and that happens more and more, I really can’t stop myself. I once lost a job once because I used the work computer to search the web for sex. It’s like I’m addicted to sex. My wife knows I have played around (we even did a 3-way once and it was totally hot) but she has no idea how extreme it’s become. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m not unhappy with my wife. I just can’t seem to stop wanting sex. Any suggestions? — Brian

Dear Brian,

You got it bad, and that ain’t good!

It’s interesting to note that you tell me about your compulsive sexual behavior in the same breath that you claim to love your wife. Love and sex are two very different things. And as you’ve probably guessed already, there’s no necessary connection between the two. Sometimes they go together, but not always. So it is possible to love someone dearly and deeply, but still be consumed with pursuing sex with others.

It appears to me that you’ve really got two problems happening simultaneously. First, your compulsive prowling of the internet for sex. (This is complicated by your alcohol abuse.) Second, the deception you’re practicing on your wife. Let’s deal with each of these in turn.

Your particular sexual activity, like any compulsive behavior (over eating, excessive shopping, etc.), is more than just a bad habit. It’s a serious dysfunction. Take it from me, breaking this behavior pattern will be very difficult, if not impossible, without some professional help. If the problem is as serious as you say, then you’d better seek help right away. This sort of thing, if left untreated, will not only destroy your marriage; it will ruin your life. When you seek professional help, I encourage you to include information about your alcohol consumption. If there is an addiction in all of this, it’s the alcohol, not the sex. And in your case, your (alcohol) addiction may be fueling your (sex) compulsion.

Look for a sex-positive therapist, someone who has experience working with other people similarly challenged. A support group may also be an option. Since you’re not alone in this, there is probably a group already meeting in where you live. You’ll need to do some legwork to uncover these resources, but I promise you it will be well worth your effort.

Now, regarding your relationship. It’s imperative that you come clean with your wife about your (sex) compulsion and probable (alcohol) addiction. Not only will you feel better not having to deceive her anymore, but you’ll also need her support in overcoming these problems. I suggest that you attend to this right away. There’s not a moment to lose.

Good luck

Hey doc! I think I’m addicted to having sex on the internet. I haven’t told my partner. Do you think this is a form of cheating or is it just harmless fun? I like getting off with guys in chat rooms and with my webcam. I feel guilty about it so I guess this tells me something!— Luke

Dear Luke,

You’re having what is commonly known as cyber sex, right? If that’s a good call on my part, I don’t consider it a form of “cheating” on your partner, any more than I would consider jerking off to porn to be cheating. (We’ll address this notion of cheating in a later column.)

However, your feelings of guilt are another thing all together. They tell me that you are not at peace with your sexual practices. Maybe you need to take a look at this. Are your cyber pursuits a serious concern? Do you squander your sexual energy on cyber sex, instead of sharing it with your partner? Only you can determine this for sure. I can assure you that the guilt feelings will continue to plague you until you dump the sexual practices that are hurtful to you and those you love, and integrate healthier ones in their place.

Good luck

Hi Dr. Dick, My boyfriend cheats on me. Every time he does he begs me for forgiveness. I think ok, but don’t do that again. I love him, but I hate feeling bad all the time. I feel stupid putting up with all of this, but I can’t leave him. I still love him. Please give me some advice. Thank You. Hope to here from you soon, Denise

Dear Denise,

Before we turn our attention to your boyfriend, let me make a quick observation about you, Denise. You’re a mess, girl! I mean really, take a long hard look at yourself, you’re a freakin’ doormat! How’s the BF supposed to respect you when you have no respect for yourself? How can you say that you love a person that makes you feel bad? You are deceiving yourself, girlfriend, cuz LOVE don’t ever make you feel bad.

As screwed up as your BF is, and he is pretty fucked up, he is just part of the problem. You’ve got some obsession issues yourself that you need to address.Your boyfriend probably has you pegged as a pussy…and not in a good way. He knows you will tolerate his misbehavior, which of course gives him permission to do whatever he feels like doing whenever he feel like doing it. If you’re really serious about reining in the bastard, you’d better come up with a clear, unambiguous message about what you will and will not tolerate. Until you do precisely that he’ll just think that he can roam wherever he wants and whenever he wants.

There are root causes for his behavior, just like there is a root cause for your behavior. To get to the bottom of all of this each of you will need to invest a good deal of time and energy with a therapist. One can only hope that there’s a bank of goodwill between the two of you, enough to carry the day. However, if I had to guess, I’d say there was a slim to no chance for that, right? If so, I advise you throw the bum out. And no more relationships for you till you get your head screwed on tighter.

Ryan Edward Scott, photographer par excellence, is here for Part 2 of his turn on The Erotic Mind show! And wait till you see the stunning slideshow of some of his best work that he has prepared for us this week.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our chat, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #415 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

There are so many interesting people out there on the web. And many of them are doing their damnedest to make a difference in the lives of others. For example, the other day a young woman who has her own relationship advice website asked me if she could interview me for her site. I was very happy to oblige.

Her site is very different from mine in both style and presentation. One of the first questions she asked me is. “Why do you put such sexually explicit images on your site? It sometimes looks like a porn site. Doesn’t that take away from the advice you give?” Without coming right out and saying so, I believe she thought I should have a more formal presentation, a presentation that was befitting a professional of my stature.

I told her, I add the images to be provocative. Most people who visit my site are already familiar with seeing sexually explicit images online. What they don’t get at those other sites is good, unambiguous, sex-positive information about human sexuality. I’ll be honest, I went on to say, I use the images to entice my audience to read the words around the images. It’s a psychological thing, ya see. Images, even those that may, at first glance, be off-putting can and do rivet one’s attention to the message I’m trying to communicate. Also the images make my site stand out from all the other professional oriented sites that offer similar sex advice. Besides, I like the way the site looks with all the images. I find it edgier as well as more interesting. After all, this is Sex Advice With An Edge!

Of course there is a downside to this. I’m approached on a regular basis by online advertisers; folks who would love to give me money in exchange for ad space on my very popular sites. And I’m all in favor of taking their money, don’t cha know. But more frequently than not, there are strings to this money. “Dr Dick, we would love to support you and your site, but we have to ask you to first rid your site of any sexually explicit image.” Well, fuck yourself very much! Is my retort. Of course, I try to say it in a real nice sorta way. I explain to my would be sponsors; ya see, this is how sexual repression begins. If I took your money and allowed you to dictate the kinds of images I could use on my site, in short order you would also be asking me to change my written and/or spoken content. And that, sex fans, I will never do, not even for some much needed financial support.

That’s when I hit upon the idea of having my audience help support the site. I added a DONATE button right there in the sidebar to your right, which you may or may not have noticed. Ya see, infrastructure and administration for a free site like this is very costly. And instead of selling out to advertisers who want to censor my content, I invite all of you who enjoy DrDickSexAdvice.com and DrDickSexToyReviews.com to make a modest, once a year donation. Think of if as a holiday present to all you fellow sex fans. Your donation not only goes to supporting what you consume, but it underscores your social conscience. Your sponsorship helps disseminate badly needed sex education and sexual enrichment messages throughout the whole world. Hint, hint…I could use your support! I even have swell gifts to send to those who contribute as a certain level. Now doesn’t that sound just like your public television station?

Next my young interviewer asked, “If I could give one single piece of advice to her audience about sex, what would that be?” I love it when people ask questions like this. “Say Dr Dick, let’s sum up your life’s work in a sentence or two.” I tried to be gracious and come up with a pithy response that wouldn’t sound trite. I thought for a moment and said, “masturbation!” “Ahhh, what about masturbation exactly?” she inquired. I said, “everything.” She sounded perplexed. I suppose I was being a wee bit too pithy with my one-word answers.

So I went on to elaborate. Ya see masturbation is the key to a successful sex life. It is the most basic building block of all sexual expression. If we take the time to learn everything that masturbation has to teach us about ourselves, both in terms of physical and mental responses, we will be well on our way to being a really great lover. And the best thing about masturbation is that nature supplies all the motivation, because masturbation is it’s own reward. It’s pleasurable, informative, particularly if you pay the slightest attention, and you don’t need a thing other than what has already been supplied by nature.

Just about every sexual dysfunction I can think of has at its root a lack of understanding and appreciation for simple self-pleasuring. Some people never learn how to masturbate. Most of these folks are women, who then are set up for a lifetime of sexual frustration and disappointment. Some people learn to masturbate early in life. Most of these folks are men. But just because they can pull their pud with relative ease, doesn’t make them a student of self-pleasuring. In fact, a lifetime of mindless jerkin’ off can be counterproductive. Years and years of quick wanking just to relieve sexual tension, or just because one is bored, is the major contributing factor of premature ejaculation.

If we spent at least some of our masturbation time acquainting ourselves with our body and our sexual response cycle, we’d not only be pleasuring ourselves, but we’d be learning what makes us tick. And that, my friends, is essential information we’ll want to pass on to our partners.

One of the biggest problems with partnered sex is that most women and a whole lot of men think that their partner should know exactly how to pleasure them, right from the get-go. This is incredibly naive if you stop to think about it. Just because each of us has a relatively similar configuration of parts down there, as does every one else, that doesn’t mean we all function the same way. Each of us is unique, not just in terms of our physical attributes and how we’re hot-wired, but more importantly what turns our crank in our biggest sex organ, our mind.

My interviewer than came up with a humdinger, “since so many people have difficulty expressing themselves sexually, why do you suppose they bother?” I suppose they bother because they are driven to bother. For starters, we’re animals and sex is part of the biological imperative of all animate things. Lots of people muddle through the complexities of sexual coupling just so they can replicate. Once that’s done they don’t bother further. For those who aren’t particularly successful in finding a mate for this purpose they can always burn off excess sexual tension on their own…which gets me back to my masturbation comments. You see how all this sex stuff tends to make a big circle, right?

As our forebears evolved and advanced farther from their mere biological urges to something that more closely resembles modern human motivation, their rapidly developing brains began to play a larger the role in dictating their sexual expression. Pleasure soon began to compete with procreation as the dominant reason for exercising our sexuality. Of course, we often run into problems when seeking out another to satisfy our pleasure, which gets me back to my earlier point, but we do nonetheless.

As humans began to develop societies along with culture came religion. Inevitably sexuality became intertwined with that too…not always for the better. On the upside, the earliest religions and gods welcomed and celebrated sexuality and an integral part of human nature. There were sacred prostitutes and sexual orgies were part of religious expression. Unfortunately, these religions and gods didn’t fair well in their upcoming struggle with more militaristic and male dominated religions and gods. Basically the old religions and gods were outlawed and persecuted. A new era of sexual repression was upon us. But even today, one can hear the echo of this ancient tradition. There are some among us who firmly believe that sexuality is the best means to communing with the divine.

As human societies became more complex, the role of sexuality also changed. In a male dominated culture sex was more about aggression and ownership than anything else. The pleasure principle, at least the concept of mutual pleasure disappeared. Women were on the receiving end of this assault, of course. And as a consequence a man never had to bother himself with the niceties giving to get. He just took. Centuries upon centuries of culturally sponsored behavior like this has created a sexual male that is unversed at best and resistant at worst to the idea of mutuality with his partners. The “get it up, get it on and get it off” mentality leaves little room for female sexual expression.

Only recently, with the rise of the women’s movement, have things begun to change. Happily, some of us men folk are getting the message that that pleasuring one’s mate will actually result in an abundance of more pleasure for them. A novel concept for most of us, don’t cha know. Alas, this still leaves us with the pressing problem that began this discussion. Most men, particularly young men, are unfamiliar with the workings of their own bodies and sexual response cycle. They are absolutely clueless about the great mysteries of the female anatomy and how all those blasted things works.

So we fall upon one another in this hit and miss manner, missing more often than we hit, sadly. And yet we persevere. All I’m saying is if we all took a little more time before for the event to introduce our partner to the peculiarities of our own bodies, there would be more hits than misses. Of course, that’s dependent on having a much better sense of ourselves than most of us do.

Nowadays, it’s très chic to fuck for a myriad of more interpersonal reasons. These include — self-expression, creativity, self-esteem and emotional satisfaction. With motivations like these, physical desirability of the potential partner often plays a much larger role than ever before. This gives rise to the innumerable industries out there that prey upon our natural insecurities. Think of all the ways in which we measure ourselves and one another. And who among us does not find ourselves wanting in one aspect or another? Either our cock isn’t big enough, our tits are too small. We’re too short or too tall, too fat or too thin, too young or too old, too much hair or not enough. We’re the wrong color, or ethnicity, too rich or too poor. Didn’t go to the right school or live in the wrong neighborhood. And the list goes on and on. With all this worry and anxiety it is, as my young interview suggested, a wonder that we ever connect at all.

Then there’s the “L” word — LOVE. This is the most complicated, irrational and inexplicable of all motivations for connecting with another human on any level, least of all sexually. While love may go a long way to blind us to the inescapable insecurities that plague us all — you know how they say that love is blind — it isn’t always enough to overcome sexual dysfunction. And here is where the sex advice industry, of which I am a proud practitioner, enters the picture.

Name: Eric
Gender: Male
Age: 25
Location: New Jersey
I’m 25, openly gay, and have never been in a relationship. I consider myself intellectual & attractive, with a great sense of humor–many people that I meet are amazed that I’m not taken. I tend to be hyper-analytic and super-honest, neither of which has gotten me very far in my dating life. I’m very self-aware and work hard at self-improvement and reinvention. I just can’t seem to find quality men! I don’t care for the gay scene, and I hate the depersonalizing nature of many gay online dating sites. All too often, I feel frustrated with being single, and I end up having a random hookup just to be close to a guy. Do you have any advice? I seem to be stuck in cycle of dating, disappointment, and reinvention. What can I do to meet Mr. Right?

I do have some advice, pup. I hope you will take it to heart. My first suggestion is that you jettison the whole Mr. Right concept. My experience tells me that most folks who are stymied in their search for a partner have too precise a mental picture of his/her ideal mate. This “knight in shinning armor” concept rarely translates very well into the real world. No one is perfect; all humans have flaws that those who love them learn to overlook. Some people, both women and men, gay and straight, have such a specific script of the person they are looking to nest with that they dismiss out of hand loads of plausible potential prospects, which is a huge mistake.

For example, I had a client in San Francisco, a straight guy. He wasn’t particularly handsome, in fact he was kinda dumpy, but he was a genuinely sweet man with lots to offer a mate. He desperately wanted to find the woman of his dreams. Unfortunately, he scripted himself right out of the market. His ideal mate had to be a redhead…a real redhead, if you know what I mean. He also insisted that the woman have a big set of knockers. I take it that he developed this script after years and years of consuming big titty porn. But wherever it came from it was his undoing.

At any rate, my client would dismiss out of hand, any woman who didn’t fit this very specific profile. And his dating life was a disaster. I had to help him understand that he narrowed the pool of potential candidates till it virtually evaporated. I asked him, “How many natural redheads do you suppose there are out there in the Bay Area? Of these, how many are single? Of these, how many have a monster rack on ‘em? Of these, how many would fall for a guy like you?” It was bitter medicine, but it was the dose of reality he desperately needed.

You, Eric, may be suffering from a similar condition. I can’t really say for sure from what you write. What I can say with some confidence is that you’re not particularly accommodating when it comes to the foibles of others. Look how you describe yourself — “hyper-analytic and super-honest”. Is that just a easy way of saying you are really overly critical and downright bitchy? Maybe, just maybe that’s how others perceive you. And that ain’t gonna land you a man no how!

You say you can’t find quality men. Again, that’s more of a comment about you than the number of quality men out there. Maybe all the quality men find you way too prickly to get close to. Your frustration may even make you edgier. And sometimes frustration morphs into desperation and there’s nothing more unattractive than that. You may be inadvertently hanging a big sign around your neck that reads: “Steer Clear, Trouble Ahead!”

Relationships are curious things. They almost never happen to someone who is desperate for one. Or if the desperate person actually finds a relationship, inevitably it’ll be a disaster. And here’s a tip: casual hook ups for sex are fine and dandy for what they are. They relieve sexual tension and not a great deal more. I advise you not to expect them to magically transform into a long-term relationship. That only happens in fairytales.

OK then, what might you do? I suggest that you simply cease the pursuit of a mate and let him find you. That’s right, just let it go. Instead of investing all that energy in pursuing that illusive relationship, focus your attention on bettering yourself and the world around you. You apparently already know how to do this since you say you work hard at self-improvement and reinvention. Wonderful! But how do you go about this self-improvement and reinvention? Is yours a solitary endeavor, or might you join others while making this happen? Do you take classes? Enjoy the arts? Do you read? Cook? Are you an outdoorsy kinda lad? Are you of service to others? Do you volunteer? Do you like pets, gardening or crafts? Are you political? Are you athletic? Do you travel?

If you do any of these things you will automatically find yourself surrounded by like-minded humans of every stripe. Listen darlin’, just because you’re queer that doesn’t mean you are restricted to the gay scene. There’s no need for a ghetto mentality in this day and age. Instead of slumming on those tiresome gay online dating sites. Look elsewhere for your fulfillment. You are more likely to encounter people who share your values if you spend your time on online at sites that reflect your interests and there’s a zillion of them. Look for websites and forums that feature your interests and concerns. And unless it’s the American Nazi Party or the KKK, you’ll no doubt find other homos who will broaden your social network. And the larger your social network, the more likely you will encounter a soul mate.

Finally, if you don’t find precisely what you are looking for online, then it’s up to you to make it happen on your own. I suggest that turn to a site like craigslist and post there. Start a club, or a discussion group. Initiate a gathering of like-minded people for an outing or an endeavor. Whatever you do direct your energies outward. Stop with the navel gazing already. You are in the prime of your life, and the world is your oyster. But first you’re gonna have to get of your pity pot.