Badass Gadgets: 13 Stellar Examples of Aggressive Hardware Design

In a mission to rescue hardware enthusiasts from the eternally twee and precious, Gadget Lab proudly presents this collection of badass gadgets -- shining examples of aggressive, purpose-built hardware design. Each of the products in this round-up is imbued with an aesthetic subtext that approaches you with a face slap, puts you in a submission hold, and whispers coldly in your ear, “Fear me. Respect me. Honor my fearsome posture.”

Don’t be frightened. Cutlery like machetes and tactical tomahawks share billing with more conventional hardware specimens, like a flashlight and a computer mouse. And remember: These aren’t necessarily the best gadgets in the product sphere. These are simply the gadgets that exude industrial design overkill — and sometimes outright design belligerence.

We kick off our collection with an exceedingly sharp selection that should make all fruit-stand vendors quake in fear. --Jon Phillips

Southern Grind GrandDaddy Machete

There aren’t many tools more obviously badass than a machete, and there aren’t many machetes more badass than the Southern Grind GrandDaddy. It jumped out at us from the some 240 machetes available at MacheteSpecialists.com thanks to its bowie-style blade, which features a relatively thinnish tip for skinning animals and inducing terror. And if the tool’s shape itself isn’t enough to make you say, “Whoa, that’s a badass machete,” the dusky, 11-inch, reclaimed carbon steel blade — made in badass America, by the way — is ultra-sharp and durable.

While we didn’t get the chance to hack our way through the Amazon rainforest, we did give the $225 GrandDaddy a run through common produce. It balanced well in our hands, and the composite handle provided a secure grip. This is a substantial, heavy tool that makes it easy to pack power into a swing.

It’s a machete. It’s badass. It smells your fear. --Nathan Hurst

Photo: Ariel Zambelich/Wired

Action Trackchair

Nobody wants to be stuck in a wheelchair, but the Action Trackchair isn’t exactly a wheelchair. This go-anywhere beast is the Humvee of personal mobility solutions. With treads instead of wheels, the Trackchair opens up fields and forests for off-roading. You can also slog through swamps and even ford small streams. How many people can say they took their wheelchair mudding on the weekend? And yes, that’s right, it comes in camo.

You’re not going to chase down any gazelles at the Trackchair’s top speed of 5 mph, but available gun racks and mounts make it easier to go hunting when you’d otherwise be stuck watching OLN. With a base price of around $9,000 (plus accessories), the Trackchair is pricier than many ATVs, but nobody said being a badass was free. --Nathan Hurst

Photo: Action Manufacturing, Inc.

Smith & Wesson Tactical Pen

Hey, you never know when you may need to gouge out someone’s eye.

Scenario: You’re on a plane from Dallas to Denver. You couldn’t bring your carry piece, because the clowns who run the TSA think civilians aren’t qualified to safely discharge firearms in the air. Knives, too, are also banned.

But luckily you have your tactical pen. It’s a perfectly legal tool for close-quarter combat in the middle of a flight. It’s just a pen, after all. But it’s also sturdy as hell, and bears a pointy end that’s perfect for damaging soft human tissue.

When searching for the world’s most badass pen, we checked out a few models but eventually landed on the pen you see here made by Smith & Wesson. Did you catch that? It’s made by Smith & Wesson. Let’s repeat: It’s a pen made by Smith & Wesson. And it’s branded as such right on the pocket clip.

The pen’s 5.7-inch shell is machined from hard-anodized aluminum, and features grippy indentations for a confidence-inspiring clutch. The cap screws and unscrews with precision threading. The pen accepts common Parker and Hauser ink cartridges, and while the cartridge tips might look sharp, we don’t recommend using them in a defensive posture. The pen’s nasty aluminum tip is your tactical defense tool, and that’s where your attention should be focused.

This is the beauty of tactical pens. They’re fully functioning ink pens, but also so full of badass, you can convince yourself you’re carrying violence in an aluminum cartridge. --Jon Phillips

Photos: Ariel Zambelich/Wired

SSI PRI-MAX Industrial Shredder

We wanted to pick a badass paper shredder, one that lurks in the corner of the office and chaws down paper by the ream, mangling staples and paper clips and the occasional necktie, all without flinching. There are plenty out there to choose from, like Staples’ Drop & Go Micro-Cut shredder, but here at Gadget Lab, we’re interested in superlatives. Why shred 500 sheets of paper at once when you can shred, say, a VW Beetle?

Like many things you can do with a badass gadget, shredding a car in SSI’s PRI-MAX industrial shredder falls into the “not that you should, but that you could” category. The PRI-MAX is actually made to reduce waste. You can toss in debris from a demolished building by the ton, and the gnarled mixture that comes out takes up less landfill space and ships easier.

And who can be worried about details like the 700-horsepower diesel hydraulic motor and processing rates up to 150 tons per hour when SSI’s list of shredables includes wood, brick, mattresses, titanium, and whole animal carcasses? --Nathan Hurst

Photo: SSI

Ammo Can Lunchbox

It’s heavy, it’s tough to open, and it was never meant to be a lunch box. But if you want to be a badass, this ammo case is way better than any Care Bears thermos.

The rattle and clank of the steel clasp projects enough badassitude to impress your peers whether you clock in at a construction site or a white-collar desk job. And really, what food item won’t fit the theme of an ammo can? A salad? Carrot sticks and hummus? Who cares. Hell, if it’s good enough for a strip of .30 cal, it’s good enough for your Reuben. And if a Dagwood sandwich is more your style, the cans also come in a .50 caliber size.

This isn’t some knock-off replica fashioned by a boutique retro designer. We had to hit up Army Surplus Warehouse to find this bad boy. Even better: Buy a used one, and it’ll come with dings, scratches and perhaps a little gunpowder on the inside for that gritty, saltpeter flavor. --Nathan Hurst

Photos: Ariel Zambelich/Wired

Fiskars ShopBoss

Scissors aren’t multi-tools, but we still expect the world of them. I’m not proud to admit it, but I’ve used common household scissors to break down cardboard boxes, strip electrical wire, cut through pesky blister packs, and even snip wire fencing. I once even used a pair of scissors as an impromptu throwing knife. It wasn’t a self-defense situation, mind you, but I can report that the right pair of stainless steel scissors will easily pierce a watermelon when chucked with vicious intent from 10 paces.

Yes, I have mighty high expectations for my scissors, but it’s also a wonder I haven’t yet maimed myself in some horrible act of scissory misadventure. This is where the Fiskars ShopBoss comes in. It’s marketed as “the ultimate hardware snip,” but I consider it to be the world’s most badass pair of scissors precisely because it’s capable of doing so many of the extra-scissicculor activities I often ask my scissors to do.

The ShopBoss’ finely serrated, titanium-coated main blade is strong enough to cut through pieces of light metal, carpet and flooring. A spring-action design provides for great tension and grip. Integrated wire strippers and wire cutters take care of all my home electrical needs. And there’s even a bottle opener, because, yes, enthusiasts of badass gadgets often drink beer.

Oh, and each ShopBoss comes with its own belt sheath. You know, so you can wear the scissors like a proper tool — or sidearm weapon. --Jon Phillips

Photos: Ariel Zambelich/Wired

Gerber Multi-Plier 600 DET

Tools built to military specifications are almost guaranteed to be badass. But Gerber’s 600 DET is more than just a milspec pair of pliers. It’s also an explosive addition to our celebration of badass gadgets. Can you blow something up with your pliers? Didn’t think so.

Okay, the 600 DET can’t blow something up by itself, but the multi-tool is designed primarily to help combat engineers prep and detonate plastic explosives. Most noticeably, the tool features a nearly three-inch-long C4 punch, a vicious-looking spike used to impale a gob of plastic explosives. The pliers-end of the tool has a blasting cap crimper, which attaches a blasting cap to a detonation cord. Drop it into the hole in the C4, stand back, and “boom.”

The flat-black, stainless-steel exterior of the tool doesn’t hurt its badass cred either, and even the tungsten-carbide edge on the included RemGrit saw is designed to cut through rubber, wire, and PVC, all of which are commonly used in munitions preparations. It’s not a tool for everyone, but pleasing the masses isn’t what being badass is about. --Nathan Hurst

Photos: Ariel Zambelich/Wired

LED Lenser X21 Flashlight

LED Lenser includes a warning with its X21 Flashlight: “Do not shine the light directly in someone’s eyes. If the light beam does shine directly in your eyes, look away immediately.” That’s because the four D batteries in the X21 put out 1,100 lumens through seven large LEDs.

Is it bright? Perhaps too much so. Just the reflection of the X21′s beam off the carpet in the Wired office was enough to cause us to flinch.

There will always be an arms race in flashlight lumens, and many flashlight companies claim to sell the brightest light. But lumens by themselves aren’t a useful measure. A light’s perceived brightness also depends on how focused it is. This German-engineered light employs a quick focusing system to illuminate threats — or targets — as far away as 1,500 feet.

Badassery in flashlights is about more than just brightness, though. This giant flashlight (it comes with a shoulder strap, if that tells you anything) is made of black machined aluminum and weighs more than three pounds. If the light beam itself isn’t enough to stun a stalking cougar, braining the cat with the heavy end of the X21 is a legitimate second option. --Nathan Hurst

Photos: Ariel Zambelich/Wired

Oakley Factory Pilot Gloves

But that’s only a fraction of what makes them badass. Oakley also put Unobtanium on the fingertips, for a better grip on your brake levers or M-16 triggers. We don’t know how Oakley got a hold of the material, but we’re sure it was a rough trip.

The Factory Pilot glove was already a badass mountain-biking glove in its own right. So much so that the U.S. military wanted some. What’s more, Oakley added a soft, micro-vented leather palm, and finger exhaust ports, befitting enough for a cyborg. Yes, a robot could wear these and look sufficiently badass. --Nathan Hurst

Photos: Ariel Zambelich/Wired

MadCatz Cyborg M.M.O. 7

No, it's not mechanized battle beetle from Darpa's collection of militarized robots. Nor is it a prop from Battle: Pasadena, Transformers: Full-Metal Hissy Fit , or whatever the next machines-as-agents-of-armageddon sci-fi movie will be. Can't figure it out? It's a computer mouse. It's a computer mouse purpose-built for hardcore PC gaming, and it's the most badass gaming mouse ever created.

The M.M.O. 7 is chock-full silly with removable, tweakable parts. Using an adjustment tool that fits directly into the chassis, you can shorten or lengthen the mouse's total length to accommodate your hand size. You can add and remove up to 30 grams of swappable weights to suit your personal preference for how heavy a mouse should be. The bundle also comes with interchangeable pinkie and palm rests -- one set has a grippy texture, the other a satiny finish. And you can also define your favorite DPI setting among four steps in mousing precision, from 25dpi to 6,400dpi.

Even the mouse's backlighting is user-adjustable. Our photo shows default orange illumination, but you can set the lights to shine any RGB color you like.

This latest MadCatz gaming mouse is optimized for massively multiplayer online games like World of Warcraft, but still bears all the precision controls for fast-paced action games and combat shooters. But, hell, you don't need to be a PC gamer to appreciate a bit of badass design on your physical desktop. We say rock this mouse during your next Excel marathon, and let the other cubicle drones in accounts payable quake in fear. --Jon Phillips

Photos: Ariel Zambelich/Wired

Best Made Smokejumper Belt

If you’re facing a belt-bursting, all-you-can-eat spread, you could do worse than wrap your gut in Best Made’s Smokejumper belt.

The woven Kevlar used in the $42 Smokejumper can hold at least 6,500 pounds, supporting your belly through even the worst buffet-line hangover. A Chevy Suburban, by the way, has an approximate curb weight of 6,000 pounds. Not that you would ever need to lift a Suburban with your belt, but hey, who knows?

While this belt is badass in its own right, it’s also named after one of the most badass professions in history. Smokejumpers are employed by the U.S. Forest Service to parachute directly into wooded areas being ravaged by fire. Like the Kevlar suits worn by smokejumpers, this belt is highly fire-resistant, with a melting point of 800 degrees Fahrenheit. Granted, though, if you’re someplace where it’s 800 degrees, you’re probably not worried about whether your belt is melting.

Nonetheless, when you find yourself MacGyvering a winch to get your Land Rover out of a jungle ravine, be glad you were wearing the Smokejumper. But be careful out there: The steel parachute harness Best Made uses for the buckle is rated for only 2,500 pounds. --Nathan Hurst

Photos: Ariel Zambelich/Wired

ZBoard Electric Skateboard

As a rule, longboards built for stability are friendlier to skateboard commuters than short boards built for tricks -- that is, until you have to go up a hill. As soon as he or she hits a hill to climb, the longboarder is saddled with a larger piece of wood to carry.

This is what makes the ZBoard so intriguing -- and so incredibly badass in the greater scheme of skateboarding. An onboard electric motor keeps the board moving even when you encounter a hill. This is accomplished without the wireless remotes and other hand-based controls found on other electric skateboards. Instead, two pads on the board control its motor.

Lean on the front pad to go forward; lean on the rear pad to brake. The pads are pressure sensitive, so speeding up or slowing down fluctuates accordingly with your shifting weight.

After a quick introduction to the board’s simple controls, I was rolling through the Wired newsroom with no problem. And after a few minutes outside, I was rolling up and down the parking lot (and avoiding parked cars) without ever having to propel the board with my legs. Adjusting the speed of the board was just a matter of adjusting my weight.

The longboard-inspired design and knobby wheels give the board a smooth ride, while small sidewalk pebbles won’t throw you off track. The aggressive wheels also make you feel like to you can tackle anything the road throws at you. Cracked concrete, wavy asphalt, and even the occasional yard-crossing short cut seemed like breeze with monster tires.

ZBoard will release two versions, available soon: At $500, the ZBoard Classic will have a range of five miles and a top speed of 15mph, and weigh in at an arm-wrenching 37 pounds. The $750 ZBoard Pro will double the range to 10 miles and raise the top speed to 17mph, but will shave seven pounds off the final weight. --Roberto Baldwin

Photos: Ariel Zambelich/Wired

GG&G Battle Hawk

If this fearsome assembly of angles, edges and pointy bits doesn't inspire you to question the motivating psychology of close-quarter combat weapon designers, then you need to look inside you own head, and ask, "Good lord, what have I become?"

The GG&G Battle Hawk is not a simple tomahawk. Nor is it a run-of-the-mill tactical tomahawk, a type of cutlery engineered for the unique needs of ground troops. Relative to the Battle Hawk, most tactical tomahawks are lighter and bear smaller, thinner blades. They're used for breaching locked entryways, extracting comrades from enemy dungeons, and generally providing a level of high-impact hacking that would damage a knife.

But, no, the Battle Hawk seems designed for another tactical mission: Impressing the living hell out of indigenous populations with rich cutlery histories of their own. Indeed, this is a tomahawk that immediately speaks volumes to anyone with an appreciation for knife or tomahawk design -- however over the top (if not impractical) that design may be.

The GG&G website calls the Battle Hawk an "extreme use combat tool" and "the perfect weapon for killing zombies," adding the tomahawk is "meant for aggressive use, very aggressive, use." It's really too heavy to be an effective throwing tomahawk, but we're confident it could hack through chain-mail if wielded in anger. The Battle Hawk is pricey at $260, but comes with a 38-minute DVD in which Jeffrey Prather and Darin Ashley, masters of close-quarter combat, demo both lethal and non-lethal tomahawk-based fighting techniques, including responses to bayonet attacks and "sentry interdiction."

Are we knife nuts at Gadget Lab? No, not really. But we love a good knife or battle axe that makes us feel all Game of Thrones-y. --Jon Phillips