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Thursday, July 2, 2015

My friend, Dr. Tarrec, writes these goofy horoscopes. I can't tell you how many times he's been spot on accurate.

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Aries - This happened once before, all of it-I
swear. You display a weakness of will,
an ineptitude of honor, willpower applied to evil ends. You take a sadistic pleasure in making me
miserable. This was your idea. I came to your door. Lucky Numbers: 12, 56.4, 9.

Taurus – A
society of Romance is free inside each specially marked box. We said our goodbyes after gym class. You ran off telling lies. I can’t hear you when I think of her and the
scent of the night. Lucky Numbers: 42,
24, 2

Gemini – A threat to your personal safety
comes from stock-footage rogues. Let’s get you cleaned up and back to the home
beside a mountain stream. Rise and
listen to the disappearing woman. Lucky
Numbers: ¾, 12 ¾.

Cancer – Look for an inconsistency of
reptile honor and the possibility of immorality in the jungle. You are not worried about this? Not the tiniest bit quizzical? You’re the fool metaphysical. Lucky
Numbers: Sorry. You have no Lucky Numbers.

Virgo – Ruin is the floral sword of
sadness. Don’t even think about trying to make an escape. Lucky Numbers: 9, 46.5, 21.

Libra – Candy is a temporary
distraction from the despair of the winding road. You will take the card, and you will be sorry. Lucky Numbers: 2, 42, 24.

Scorpio – Do you desire to recover
what is lost? Won’t you dance with
me? I will show you the broken-hearted people
and their flowers. Your youth will not
last long. Lucky Numbers: 1, 01, 11011, 11010010010100100.

Sagittarius – The intern is 18 miles
away; he’s loyal, but his bootlaces are untied and dinner is late. Lucky Number: 666.5.

Capricorn – Lovers
giggling on African safari have witnessed and believed The Face. They saw The Face and received the
secret. I’ve never actually heard the
drums. Lucky Number: 0.

Aquarius – It is a faulty choice to
choose between a half-day’s journey and no sleep at night. The day spent in conversation is
unremembered. Lucky Numbers: 9, 99, 999,
999.9.

Pisces - Possible infidelity and
unstable emotions are slowly and restlessly approaching the front door. I’ve
imagined this many times before, but let’s sing a song about it all. It is grotesque. Lucky Numbers: 12 ÷ 0, 945.