Tonight’s theme is Elvis, and it’s only fitting that one of our contestants dies tonight eating a fried banana sandwich, I won’t spoil who for you though (ok, fine, it’s Rueben, but you have to admit, the guy’s been asking for it for years). But surely with such a vast catalog of hits as Elvis, our contestnats can’t go wrong, right?

Hahaha, you saw Lennon/McCartney night, right? These guys are so screwed. Especially with special guest mentor Adam Lambert, who has so much eyeliner and hair product in right now that his lashes and bangs are legally registered as deadly weapons. The man just exudes crazy, which is not what these kids need right now.

Especially since Ryan’s asleep at the wheel tonight. I don’t know what he had to drink tonight, or how many he had, but he’s just kind of stumbling through the show. Maybe he found out that Ricky Minor is leaving too. But come on, Ryan, you’re supposed to be the one left that gives a shit! You should be holding hands, not slamming Dunkleman!

(Idol Drinking Game for Tonight: Drink every time you can literally see the alcohol steaming off of Ryan Seacrest‘s skin)

Crystal BowersoxThe Song: “Saved”Adam Lambert Says: Girl, don‘t you know the favorite always gets kicked off?The Performance:Crystal is rocking a sparkly electric guitar tonight, which really isn’t much more than a prop, but I appreciate the effort. Casey James she is not. There’s spotlights all over the place and back-up singers exploding to the front of the stage, and suddenly she thinks she’s Casey, Siobhan and Michael, and she’s singing like Lee. That’s her conniving plan!

And the performance is exactly what you expect. She’s fine, it’s a pretty good performance, but it’s fundamentally boring. We’re starting to have those grating “Crystal” performances, that sound just fine, but nobody is ever going to buy at the store. Everybody is very complimentary, and for good reason, but I really wish she would shake things up (for real this time).The Judges Say: It’s no didgeridoo, but you’re just terrific.I Say: A solid, enjoyable performance, but she’s just kind of coasting at this point.Score: +5Change: +1

Andrew GarciaThe Song: “Hound Dog”Adam Lambert Says: Dude, you really are boring as hell.The Performance:Well of course he’s singing “Hound Dog.” Just look at the guy. Could you imagine him singing anything else? At all? In a hilarious reversal of expectations, Andrew somehow manages to tone down his pompadour for Elvis night. I have to admit, that is kind of awesome.

Anyway, at about the halfway point the camera pans over to Simon who is half asleep, and I think I see Jason Castro in the audience nodding his head like this is the single most amazing thing he has ever seen. This show could use a little more Jason Castro, to be honest. It just won’t be the same when Tim Urban busts out “Memories.”The Judges Say: You haven’t been voted off yet? Seriously?I Say: I honestly think it would’ve been better with the pompadour.Score: -3Change: -1

Tim UrbanThe Song: “I Can‘t Help Falling in Love with You”Adam Lambert Says: You’re totally not as bad as I thought you’d be.The Performance:Oh. My. God. Tim Urban has gone full Sanjaya, to the point where he’s actually pretty damn good now, and I can’t hate on anything any more. I’m not even distracted by Ryan Seacrest doing a tiny dance in the background or Randy Jackson’s five year old child’s sweater.

Just like last week, this is shockingly good. I still think it’s stupid and ridiculous, but is it way better than anything else he’s done? Absolutely. I mean, the judges don’t even know what to say any more. Simon is just like, “Damn, we’re never going to get rid of you, are we?” Ellen wants to go out drinking with Tim. He’s not old enough! And I think Ryan stole all the booze.The Judges Say: You’ve gone from zero…to a little more than zero.I Say: Jason Castro scoffs in his general direction.Score: -1Change: +1

Lee DeWyzeThe Song: “A Little Less Conversation”Adam Lambert Says: You have zero facial expression, dude.The Performance:If only Adam Lambert, the king of horrid facial expressions could teach Lee to show any emotion whatsoever. But like Elliot before him, these guys can’t dare make any faces outside of a half frown and the “I’m totally freaking out right now.” And I don’t really think those count as facial expressions.

I am kind of pissed that Simon gives Lee a pass at forgetting the lyrics, especially the lyrics of an Elvis song. But I’m actually a lot more upset about Lee not bringing out a bagpipe tonight. If there was ever a week you could get away with a bagpiper, it would be Elvis week. Where was I going with this again? Boring, but fine.The Judges Say: You are really hitting all the vocals spot on.I Say: Kate Gosselin could teach him a thing or two about facial acting.Score: +2Change: +/- 0

Aaron KellyThe Song: “Blue Swede Shoes” Adam Lambert Says: Can you growl? That would be hilarious.The Performance:Faaaantastic. Even in his video package, Aaron is like, “This is a pretty shitty song choice, but…” Only nothing ever comes after the “but.” It’s just, “Hey, what Elvis songs do I know?” He doesn’t growl, which is unfortunate, because Adam was right. That would’ve actually helped here.

The second part of the song was back to mumbly Aaron who is fine but never going to win this competition at all. I’m completely distracted by Aaron’s outfit, which is very *NSync by way of the Jersey Shore. He is not, however, wearing blue swede shoes. Which is…That’s the easiest part of your costume for this week, dude. Come the hell on. The Judges Say: We’re not really sure what you were going for with that.I Say: Seriously? That’s the best he could come up with this week?Score: 0Change: -1

Siobhan MagnusThe Song: “Suspicious Minds”Adam Lambert Says: This is totally the female me.The Performance:Oh, Siobhan. You’re still my favorite, but now it’s all because you’re a huge nerd who doesn’t know what’s going on, and it has nothing to do with your singing. I don’t know where you learned to sing from the back of your sinus every song, but it sounds weird. Not everybody goes for the whole Kermit thing.

And that’s why the high notes really work, you know? Because technically they’re excellent, but they’re the only thing that don’t sound completely alien coming from her. But I still love you, Siobhan. And all your weirdness. And the dress that kind of looks like it was made from latticed drapery.The Judges Say: Either do power notes all the time or sing weird. I don’t know.I Say: You need to do something completely batshit again to get back in the game.Score:+2Change: -1

Mike LyncheThe Song: “In the Ghetto”Adam Lambert Says: No, no. More like you’re on Glee!The Performance:First with the Lynche Mob, and now with this. Mike is just earning points left and right here. He is not helped by Ryan tonight, who is just drunk off his ass and stumbling through introductions and taking potshots at Brian Dunkleman. Which is sort of awesome, but totally uncalled for.

Mike is totally in his element here though. Just sort of cooing the song over his acoustic guitar. I am pretty glad that they brought him back, because the audience sending him home last week was a mistake (I didn’t vote for him, but he’s not even close to being the worst), but when he can do the saccharin, moody stuff like this, he’s really pretty damn good.The Judges Say: It’s a good thing we saved you last week.I Say: I actually agree, a nice performance from Big Mike here.Score: +3Change: +1

Katie StevensThe Song: “Baby, What Do You Want Me to Do”Adam Lambert Says: We almost forgot Katie was still on the show.The Performance:Ah, Katie’s snotty, “I hate the judges!” performance! It’s actually mostly directed at Simon, who weirdly tells her to sing country every week. I don’t know why Adam bothers telling her to be mean, though, because there’s no way it’s going to happen. Snotty? Yes. Mean? Not a chance. Katie’s dressed as Selena Gomez, which is a step up.

Performance-wise, it’s not terrible. I mean, she kind of does stumble through the song, but overall she hits most all the notes and puts in a noble effort considering there’s almost no way she’s going to win this show and she knows it. After all, I said the same thing about Kris Allen last year! Ellen sets the audience off by saying that Katie’s performance was too horny (because of all the trumpets! Get it?), and Simon hated it, but Simon always hates snotty performances.The Judges Say: We still have no idea who you are as an artist.I Say: A fine little performance, but she’s not long for the show.Score: +3Change: +/- 0

Casey JamesThe Song: “Lawdy Miss Clawdy”Adam Lambert Says: I…don’t even know what to do about this.The Performance:I’m not quite sure what to make of this. It seems to be a theme with Casey, that after he hits a high point in the season, he relaxes a bit too much and ends up falling apart a little bit. Lambert’s right (by the way, what are the chances of getting Aaron Lambert as the mentor next week?) in saying that picking this weird song that nobody’s heard of and isn’t very good in the first place kind of screwed Casey over.

He doesn’t even get a chance to show off his one great talent, his guitar playing, because he’s stuck with Crystal’s guitar strumming really quiet basic notes (was that even mic’d?). So you’re sort of forced to focus on his vocals, which have never really been his strong point, and it all comes off pretty plain and doesn’t really go anywhere.The Judges Say: Kind of a waste of a good theme week there, champ.I Say: He’s not in danger, but not a great week for him.Score: +3Change: +/- 0

Bottom Three: Andrew Garcia, Siobhan Magnus, Aaron Kelly

Tough week to pick, of course, because the bottom two are going home, and there were so many mediocre performances this week that the “safe” list is a whole hell of a lot shorter than the “In Danger” list. It’s pretty much just Crystal and Lee that are for sure sticking around.

I’m just guessing here, but I think Siobhan’s string of weird, but not weird enough performances will land her in the bottom three, but aren’t bad enough to put her out on the street quite yet. She’s really lost her mojo though, and she needs to put something epic together to survive the next round of cuts.

Mike got the save last week, and I’ll assume that he’s sticking it out for another week here. So if we’re just going on this week, the two worst performances were delivered by Andrew Garcia, whose audience has really dwindled since the beginning of the season, and Aaron Kelly, who is splitting tween votes with the suddenly superior Tim Urban right now. So there you have it.

I've been consistently watching Idol now since it started, and it's official: I've turned on it.

I've been bored before, but this is a whole new sense of vengeance I feel. Tim Urban is my final Sanjaya. I'm tired of seeing terrible people make it through week after week while the good performers are shit on. I'm sick of seeing the judges praise people for being safe, then critiquing the next person for not taking risks. I'm sick of them having favorites that they lift up on a pedestal of infallibility, and then being so harsh with people that don't deserve it. They don't know what they want, and they're wayyy out of touch with what America wants.

I'm with Simon, as always. He's checked out and so have I. I love the concept of the show, but it's become so much of a joke that I just don't care anymore. I'll watch because I love singing and I love seeing people like Crystal and Big Mike who wouldn't have gotten an outlet like this otherwise. But I just don't care who stays and who goes home anymore. I hate Tim Urban, and now I've found myself hoping that he wins just so that they can finally have a year where the voting backfires all the way to the finale. I'm no longer angry about good people going home. When Mike was almost sent home last week and people like Tim and Aaron and Andrew were safe, for once I wasn't upset. I was amused. It's a shitshow of gigantic proportions, and I'll be fiddling as it burns. Tim Urban 2010!!!

I am kind of pissed that Simon gives Lee a pass at forgetting the lyrics, especially the lyrics of an Elvis song.

The judges gave Crystal a similar pass last week, and she was only singing "Come Together". I guess it's a "singing" competition, not a "remember the lyrics" competition. (Hey, somebody should make that a game show.)

As usual we watched this a day late and with me knowing who was eliminated thanks to the DVR and spoilers. I actually thought Aaron was better than I'd expected based on reports, but the clear standouts were Crystal, Lee, Mike, and yes, Tim Urban. Casey was fine and I thought Siobahn was better than the judges gave her credit, and her comeback to Simon = bonus points from me and the girls.

At any rate, the two correct people were sent home, I think.

Holy fuck shit motherfucker shit. Read comics. Fuck shit shit fuck shit I sold out when I did my job. Fuck fuck fuck shit fuck. Sorry had to do it....

*snip*

Revenge of the Sith = one thumb up from me. Fuck shit. I want to tittie fuck your ass. -- The Guinness. to Cerebus