Word for Word/The World's 'Funniest' Jokes; So This German Goes Into a Bar With Dr. Watson and a Chicken . . .

IF you're a careful reader of this newspaper, you're already aware that British scientists have released preliminary results of their search for the world's funniest joke. Reprinted below is the best-rated joke in their global online survey, which will be followed up with further diligent study. (You may be skeptical of online surveys like this. If so, you may have a point; just read some of the jokes.)

Now, for a closer look at the findings of Dr. Richard Wiseman. He's the psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire who devised the experiment with the British Association for the Advancement of Science.

It's no surprise that women and men have different ideas of just what constitutes funny. Or that different nationalities do. But did you know that while computers can beat grandmasters at chess, they still can't bring down a room? And that those cutups the Germans (think lederhosen) may be the most laugh-prone people on earth, followed by zee zilly French?

Samplings from the research follow. TOM KUNTZ

In the three-month experiment (www.laughlab.co.uk), some 10,000 jokes were submitted from more than 70 countries, and an estimated 100,000 Internet users rated them. Forty-seven percent gave the following knee-slapper the highest rating:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: ''Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.''

Watson says, ''I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.''

Ba-dum, bum. Differences emerged between the jokes most favored by men and women. The top jokes among men involved aggression, putting down women and sexual innuendo. (Women, curiously, did not see what was so funny in these kinds of jokes.) Examples of two of the three types are given here (no sex, please; we're The New York Times):

Aggression: While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, ''Jesus is watching you.'' To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.

The burglar goes on to ask, ''What kind of person names their parrot Moses?''

The parrot replies, ''The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.''

Putting down women: This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, ''Pack your bags, sweetheart, I've just won the lottery, all six numbers!''

She says: ''Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?'' He replies, ''I don't care -- just pack and shove off!''

Women, by contrast, preferred jokes involving wordplay:

A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman, ''A pint for me and one for the road.''

Ba-dum, bum. The researchers also ranked nationalities by how funny they found the jokes. The Germans were the most easily amused: They rated 35 percent of the jokes ''very funny.'' But have Germans ever been to the Borscht Belt? You be the judge, from their two favorites:

Q. Why is television called a medium?

A. It is neither rare nor well-done.

To tell the weather: Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, the Cat

The French were just behind the Germans on the chortle index (maybe because the Germans are still laughing about the Maginot Line). The favorite French joke:

''You're a high-priced lawyer. If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?''

Other national favorites, starting with the joke rated second-funniest overall:

United States:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?''

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: ''Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.''

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, ''O.K., now what?''

Belgium:

Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

Australia:

A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: ''Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.''

Sweden:

A guy phones the local hospital and yells: ''You've gotta send help! My wife's in labor!''

A man goes to the doctor and says, ''Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.''

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, ''Is it serious, doctor?'' and the doctor replies, ''I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg.''

Perhaps in despair, the researchers tried generating jokes by computer. One did pretty well, beating more than 300 human jokes:

Q. What kind of murderer has fiber?

A. A cereal killer.

But -- go figure -- a lot of people didn't get this computer-generated joke:

Q. What kind of line has sixteen balls?

A. A pool queue.

Still, it takes a human -- or a chicken -- to really lay an egg. The two worst-rated jokes in the survey:

Q. Why are chickens considered good employees?

A. Because they work around the cluck.

And of course:

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get to the other side.

Ba-dum, bum.

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A version of this article appears in print on January 27, 2002, on Page 4004007 of the National edition with the headline: Word for Word/The World's 'Funniest' Jokes; So This German Goes Into a Bar With Dr. Watson and a Chicken . . . Order Reprints|Today's Paper|Subscribe