Tuesday, October 1, 2013

1265. I find people who talk about juicers annoying, and this still isn't funny. D+1266. lolprogramming F1267. This is getting back to the old GOOMH-bait I used to like back when I was an xkcd fanboy. C+1268. More GOOMH-bait! Delicious spiders. C+1269. Do not care. D+1270. lolprogramming 2: revenge of lolprogramming F1271. Still more GOOMH-bait. Not as good as the other two GOOMH-baits sampled here. C-

The kind of things Rob doesn't give an F to: "I like to do x while doing y." "I think x is weird." "When x happens I'm all like y."

The only thing worse than these comics is this post claiming there's a hint of quality in them. I could make a "comic" that is just a square with text in it saying "sometimes I try to avoid the lines on the sidewalk" and it would be as good as 1271. Fuck you Rob.

I watched some more of that kid's videos. They're kind of... I mean, is there any chance of changing this blog to ladyxeonasucks? The xkcd thing has run its course, and this spoiled brat with her indulgent mother are really getting me riled.

".......I'm genuinely curious why you think that being a garrulous bore about some children's comic makes you more worthy to critique it......."

For fuck's sake, the phrase 'garrulous bore' is so common; cliché even! If you insist on using words far exceeding the level of your working/recognition vocabulary, at least use them in a novel way - we'd be totes impressed!For instance, instead of using the word 'abject' to modify the word 'poverty', try using it as an adjective to modify the word 'luxury'. It fucks up all the pseudo-intellectuals, like real good!.

Off the top of my pretty little head, how's this:

"The problem with ALT-F is she suffers from an 'embarrassment of riches'." Now take the word 'embarrassment' and use it as a collective noun to describe something else. Like: "The problem with Anonymous October 1, 2013 at 4:03 AM is that he suffers from an embarrassment of fucking stupidity."

Memories!I was totes popular back then.The talk of the town!Since that time, I've broken my phone, my telephone/Internet bill is still too high and I have a black eye. And I put on 3 pounds in New Orleans/Thailand/Lao PDR, which might not seem like much to you, but I'm devastated. I am currently starving myself and therefore very cranky as a result.

On the left side-bar, under the subtitle "Rob's Rants", I read the following:

"When he's not flipping a shit over prescriptivist and descriptivist uses of language, xkcdsucks' very own Rob likes writing long blocks of text about specific subjects.

Where are these long blocks of text to which you refer?There appears to be quite the paucity of 'new' long blocks of text of late. In fact, I cannot find anything which post-dates the Great December 2010 North American blizzard.Have you been 'flipping a shit' over prescriptivist and descriptivist uses of language all this time?Get over it! Let's settle it right fucking now!Are you a prescriptivist, or a descriptivist?

This sentence has three a's, one b, two c's, two d's, twenty six e's, five f's, three g's, nine h's, eleven i's, one j, two l's, thirteen n's, eight o's, six r's, twenty five s's, twenty t's, two u's, five v's, eight w's, three x's, and four y's.

I, man, am regal - a German am INever odd or evenIf I had a hi-fiMadam, I'm AdamToo hot to hootNo lemons, no melonToo bad I hid a bootLisa Bonet ate no basilWarsaw was rawWas it a car or a cat I saw?

Rise to vote, sirDo geese see god?"Do nine men interpret?" "Nine men," I nodRats live on no evil starWon't lovers revolt now?Race fast, safe carPa's a sapMa is as selfless as I amMay a moody baby doom a yam?

Ah, Satan sees NatashaNo devil lived onLonely TylenolNot a banana batonNo "x" in "Nixon"O, stone, be not soO Geronimo, no minor ego"Naomi," I moan"A Toyota's a Toyota"A dog, a panic in a pagoda

Oh no! Don Ho!Nurse, I spy gypsies - run!Senile felinesNow I see bees I wonUFO tofuWe panic in a pewOozy rat in a sanitary zooGod! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog

I serve up a wonderful Self Referential sentence with my 'perfect' computations being done with 'manual' binary decision diagrams (BDD's) - no computers - and you retort with fucking palindromes?Fucking ignoramus!

Great list Eumesmopo! Unfortunately, because of a flaw in my visual recognition of nomenclature used to express mathematical domain knowledge I read those rogue chevrons as "leads to" rather than "greater than". That places me at the zenith and you at the nadir. You are being too hard on yourself, you don't suck that badly.

How come these cunt cavemen only ever paint cows and pregnant Przewalski's horses? There were far more species around back then! There is no excuse for the paucity of their subject matter! And it looks like they did it with their prehensile feet, the filthy simians!

To commemorate the upcoming 947th anniversary of the Battle of Hastings, I've decided to reveal to the civilised world the fruits of my decades-long painstaking research into ascertaining the last words of Harold Godwinson, (Harold II), King of England as he defended his country against the vile Norman cunts.

Is this Aquarians?Is she my fantasy?Caught in her handcuffsNo escape from perversity

Open your eyesLook up at the cunt and seeShe's just a rich girl, she needs no sympathyBecause she's quick to post, rather slowRarely high, often lowAnyway the words blow, doesn't really matter to me (to me)

ALTF just killed a manHeld a book against his headStruck it hard and now he's deadALTF's life had just begunBut now she's gone and thrown it all awayALTF, oo-oo-oo-oooDidn't mean to make you cryIf I'm not back again this time tomorrowCarry on, carry on, because spelling really matters

Too late, my time has comeHer tutor's now onlineAnd his writing's rather fineGoodbye everybody - I've got to goGotta leave you all behind and face the truthALTF, oo-oo-oo-ooo (anyway the words blow)I don't want to postI sometimes wish I'd never been here at all

I see a little silhouetto of a girlLike to fuck? Like to fuck? It's the forbidden tangoRiding-coat and helmet, jewel-studded godemiché!Obscure reference, obscure reference,Obscure reference, obscure reference,Obscure reference - erudite. One cornetto-o-o-o-ooo!

But I'm just a rich boy and most people love me(He's just a rich boy from a rich family)Bored with a kook on this shite holidayQuick to post, rather slow - will I let her go?Insha'Allah, no! I will not let her go (let her go)Insha'Allah, I will not let her go (let her go)Insha'Allah, I will not let her go (let me go)Will not let her go (let me go) neverNever let her go (let me go)Never let me go (ooo)No, no, no, no, no, no, noUnited Nations, Petawawa, laissez-passer! let me go!The Queen of Cunts has a chamber with a bed for meFor meFor meeeeee!

Lyrics by: "Anonymous"

I am still in awe of this. I'd love to again converse with the woman/boy who wrote that.

No it is not!I don't live in Petawawa. That's a shit-hole 15 kliks up the road and it's awash in vile Welfare-In-Green squaddies. Why would I have added that?And if I did, what, pray tell, did it replace?

Ah yes.I guess I did change Minnesota to Petawawa.And "Hearts" to "Cunts"Some idiot back then kept insisting I lived in International Falls, Minnesota. I reckon that's where the lyricist of that wonderful "Ode" got Minnesota.The original is cleaner, but like Sid's cover of "My Way", versus Frank's, it's not better or worse, it's just different.

See how much younger my avatar looked back then?I'm older and darker now.

Just like Shakespeare's version of, "The expense of spirit in a waste of shame is lust in action.". Different than yours, but neither better nor worse. Though your use of "expanse" does temper the meaning a tad.

Besides, as far as this sort of thing goes, I prefer this one:

".......and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro."Winkler" by Giles Coren

".....he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro....."

Speaking of wherefore, most of the ignorant cunts in my little town think the mournful query of that Capulet slut, "O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? is an inquiry after her dear heart's physical location beneath her window?

It's not their fault. Judy Garland intoned the line improperly during the Tin Woodcutter's song, thereby imprinting many generations of impressionable young minds with her misunderstanding. Your town would be a much better place today if she had only had a brain.

Rob does not bathe, or at least not in this manner. And even if he did bathe in this manner and on a regular basis, what makes you think his tears would be bitter? I reckon they'd be savoury and highly hydrophobic. They'd dance about on the surface of the bath water as droplets of water on a hot grill. Hissing and spattering, popping and exploding with vivacity.

You agreed. I merely deferred. I could not withstand the sight of your pursed and trembling lips as they protrude to form a physical expression of displeasure and sulkiness - a pout. With those bee-sting lips of yours, and pouting like you always do when you do not get your way, wreaks havoc on my willpower.

Six am day after ChristmasI throw some clothes on in the darkThe smell of coldCar seat is freezingThe world is sleepingI am numb

Up the stairs to her apartmentALTF is balled up on the couchHer mom and dad went down to MyanmarThey're not home to find us out

And we driveNow that I have found someoneI'm feeling more aloneThan I ever have beforeShe's a brick and I'm drowning slowlyOff the coast and I'm headed nowhereShe's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

They call her 'cunt' at seven thirtyI pace around the parking lotThen I walk down to buy her flowersAnd sell some gifts that I got

Can't you seeIt's not me you're dying forNow she's feeling more aloneThen she ever has beforeShe's a brick and I'm drowning slowlyOff the coast and I'm headed nowhereShe's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

As weeks went byIt showed that she was not fineThey told me son it's time to tell the truthShe broke down and I broke down'Cause I was tired of lyingDriving home to her apartmentFor the moment we're aloneShe's aloneI'm aloneNow I know it

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowlyOff the coast and I'm headed nowhereShe's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

I had to research this one.I've not heard the tune nor even heard of the band.

And for future reference, I do not like receiving a clutch of the severed reproductive organs of certain herbaceous species as a gift and I do not live in an apartment. I live in a house, a big, fuck-off house, on uncountable hectares of land. I call it "Tara"

The symbolism of me ruining lives as a brick to a drowning boy is apropos though..

And that's a compliment by the way. If you call a person you know to be an Idiot(IQ 0 - 50) a Moron(IQ 70 - 90) you are complimenting her/it/him. Unless said Idiot/Moron is a Yankee, then you are just being an oleaginous inveigler.

An idiot?Hardly.Idiots - those who would score 0 to 50 on a standardised IQ test - cannot be taught to read and write. I do feel I have most demonstrably demonstrated my ability to at least write.Conversely, Imbeciles - those who would score 50 to 70 on a standardised IQ test - can be taught to read and write, but just barely. At the very least, I must be considered a high-functioning Imbecile, if not actually a border-line Moron - those who would score 70 to 90 on a standardised IQ test.

"...I do feel I have most demonstrably demonstrated my ability to at least write..."BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAha...nigur plz

Exaggeratedly stumbling into obvious ploys isn't particularly amusing, 6:08. Not unless you drop another joke in the process of doing so, anyway. That was xkcd quality banter and you are making the glorious anonymous hivemind look bad. Two more warnings and your membership card will be revoked.

I am a little reticent and am struck with a sense of foreboding. The 1,536 +/- renditions of the word 'HA' may possible reflect 'nervous laughter'. Nervous laughter is a physical reaction to stress, tension, confusion, or anxiety.This upsets me.Anonymous October 11, 2013 at 6:08 PM is very stressed!I am hoping, against hope, that it was a prolonged courtesy laugh instead.

Indeed I am.It's an albatross I must bear.And the problem of placing 4 seeds of destruction equidistant from each other becomes quite simple if you are a Yankee.Did you know that Liberia, Myanmar and the United States of America are the only countries in the world that have not adopted the Metric System of measurement?You're in fine company, fucking Yankee arseholes!

It says the captcha is incorrect, when it isn't. But the post goes through anyway. Oh, and it won't let me reply to anything. We're back to non-threaded replies. Can't the nebishes at Google fix anything?

I see Rob transitions from thinking that you can't write an article on a joke to a bunch of rants about how there is such a thing as objective humour.

Although I do wonder now whether Rob is still as much of an xkcd fanboy as ever, and all his contributions to xkcdsucks have been ironic, and he deliberately took over then let the site languish so that Randall would win.

Actually having typed that out with historical context, I am convinced.

Someone explain to me why libertarians get so much hate on the internet. You'd think people would be all over the idea that the government stays out of our business. Do you actually like being told you can't smoke pot or drive without a seatbelt?

I'd much rather that a democratically elected power get up in my business than some fat leech who through ideological woowoo claims exclusive ownership of the road which would stop me being a prisoner in my own house.

That's the same answer I always got from people who said they didn't like Bush when I asked why. Or why Fox News gets so much flack. Rather than give any rational reasons to hate someone of another party, just continually harp on them being stupid and laughable until everyone just accepts it as true from hearing it all the time.

I've no idea what a Libertarian is, Libertine, however, is something with which I am very familiar. I am, of course, willing to offer myself as an example of a Libertarian just to see how Rob reacts.You know, 'cause as we all know, men are like Chemistry Sets, the fun is in seeing what sets them off.

Until recently, I had considered Rob's abject cuntery to be a result of familial compliance coupled with some minor cultural influences. Rob was, in essence, a predictive consequence of social determinism.Imagine my surprise, however, when it was revealed that Rob's affliction was hereditary rather than habitual? Rob and his ilk do indeed possess 'cuntish tendencies'. And in retrospect, it is evident that Rob and his brethren are quite obviously, 'born cunts'. Rob is quite simply a product of biological determinism.How could I have possibly missed that?Dictates of social engineering require that Rob's movements and whereabouts be monitored through a system of compulsory registration and travel permits.Rob and his friends will become a useful and well trodden underclass in their own right. They'll have a social stratum to call their very own.

What the hell is this?

Welcome. This is a website called XKCD SUCKS which is about the webcomic xkcd and why we think it sucks. My name is Carl and I used to write about it all the time, then I stopped because I went insane, and now other people write about it all the time. I forget their names. The posts still seem to be coming regularly, but many of the structural elements - like all the stuff in this lefthand pane - are a bit outdated. What can I say? Insane, etc.

I started this site because it had been clear to me for a while that xkcd is no longer a great webcomic (though it once was). Alas, many of its fans are too caught up in the faux-nerd culture that xkcd is a part of, and can't bring themselves to admit that the comic, at this point, is terrible. While I still like a new comic on occasion, I feel that more and more of them need the Iron Finger of Mockery knowingly pointed at them. This used to be called "XKCD: Overrated", but then it fell from just being overrated to being just horrible. Thus, xkcd sucks.

Here is a comic about me that Ann made. It is my favorite thing in the world.

Frequently Asked Questions

Divided into two convenient categories, based on whether you think this website

Rob's Rants

When he's not flipping a shit over prescriptivist and descriptivist uses of language, xkcdsucks' very own Rob likes writing long blocks of text about specific subjects. Here are some of his excellent refutations of common responses to this site. Think of them as a sort of in-depth FAQ, for people inclined to disagree with this site.