A Corkscrew Blow Job Is a Thing, and I Tried It

"Cosmo Labs" is a series in which writers and sexperts try out the wackiest old Cosmopolitan sex tips and re-review them for you.

I'm partial to digging up old-ass Cosmo sex tips that — seen again in the harsh light of 2015 when we, like, know stuff — may or may not make sense. They can be ridiculous (put a sparkler in your ass to light up your love play!*) but generally involve slathering food all over each other like drunken cafeteria ladies. This week, I didn't want to put a chocolate-covered scrunchie on his dick, so I reached over to the 2002 article "Cosmo's 20 Favorite Sex Tips Ever."

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The Tip: I tried a tip called "Pop His Cork."

Try the oral sex technique that I call The Screw. As you're moving up his shaft with your mouth, turn your head a bit from side to side, letting your tongue follow a corkscrew pattern. When you get to the frenulum — that part of the shaft just beneath the head — be sure to lick it for a few seconds before moving all the way up to the top. Then repeat, moving down his shaft. What will drive him wild about this is that you aren't just going up and down — you're also going sideways. It's 3-D!

—Paul Joannides, author of The Guide to Getting It On (Goofy Foot Press, 1999)

The Verbal Foreplay: "Want to know what we're doing?" I asked. "Yes?" N. answered tentatively. "The Corkscrew," I said, getting the name wrong, like a mom trying to talk about a band you like. He looked concerned. "I hope you're the one doing The Corkscrew and not me," he finally said.

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The Prep: I have some sort of brain glitch that makes me horrible at following written instructions for physical movements. So this tip, to me, seemed kinda tricky with all the head-turning, licking and such. I would have loved to just get someone to show me what to do on their boyfriend's erect penis, but a live demo seemed like Not the Kind of Thing You Can Request. I also briefly considered a sticking series of Post-it instructions on N.'s penis, like those numbered footprints like they use to teach dance steps, but he was already alarmed enough.

In the end, I am ashamed to say to that I had to bring my phone to bed so I could consult the instructions. For the record: Bringing a phone to bed — even without the part where you're reading an email from your editor — is Not! A! Good! Tip! To avoid this, maybe beforehand you could figure out the mouth movements on a banana or perhaps a particularly fetching carrot. Actually, first lock the doors, then start blowing your fruits and vegetables.

As I studied my instructions, I realized I was subconsciously mimicking the move, tilting my head side-to-side like the woodland creatures do in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer when Clarisse sings "There's Always Tomorrow." I told N. I felt like a Rankin-Bass character. "Don't say that," said N.

Me, being sexy.

The Act: All was forgiven once I started doing The Screw. It turned out to be easy and got a big reaction for little effort, which is what I like in a sex move. "Do you want more of this or regular?" I asked at some point. "More," he choked out. (Bonus tip: Don't be inadvertently demeaning your well-honed, bad-ass head-givin' techniques by calling them "regular," like I did. Language is important, my friends!)

I added a bit of a tongue wiggle and that was it. He was a goner. The Corkscrew, The Screw, The Cockscrew, if you will — whatever the kids are calling it these days — is a fucking awesome move.