The negative: I was too "heavy" in my playing and I needed it to flow more.... I was also crashing too much and using too much kick.

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I think this has to do with me not having enough "headroom" in my jazz-playing, so I'm always on the edge when playing. If I was playing fusion or funk, I would have lots of headroom and it would feel better.

I guess it depends on what kind of headroom you mean. Usually that refers just to chops. But a lot of players, even famous ones, operate basically with zero (or minimal) technical headroom-- what they play is basically what they can do. And based on the above comment, you need to just work on your fundamental concept, which doesn't take any chops all-- improve your touch, and learn how to use your bass drum and how to punctuate appropriately.

To get a sense of what people want to hear from you, get out and hear the guys who are getting called to play-- keeping in mind that even if a more accomplished drummer plays very forcefully, or busily, they don't necessarily want to hear that from you, yet. They might not even like it when those guys play that way.

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It's hard to find cats to play with, even in big cities. At jam sessions, there's always these cliques of players that only play with each other, and if you're lucky enough to play with them, you'll never get anything out of it. No gigs, no calls, whatever.

Well, I've certainly been there. You just have to keep improving and showing up. They'll get to know you, and at some point you'll be playing well enough, and someone is going to need a drummer badly enough that they're going to start calling you occasionally, and it will be easier to get people to set up and play with you. It takes time and persistence.