Tuesday, August 25, 2009

If you haven't guessed by now, I'm not one for sports, but boy, do I love interviews with athletes. Usually, you just get a sequence of cliches tumbling out of their mouths like a string of 40 magician's scarfs all knotted together. "Well, we just played the game as hard as we could, we were met by a good team today, sometimes the ball doesn't bounce your way, but we take it one game at a time, we're just looking ahead at the next series, and it is what it is." Yeah, thanks Mr. Churchill. The poet laureate is on line one.

Having a laugh at Plaxico Burress ("Plaxi-Co."? Didn't they make the first Legos?) isn't exactly a long row to hoe: Last November, he shot himself without ever removing his Glock pistol from his pants. But if that wasn't enough, Burress challenges us to shoot even more beverage out of our noses when he opens up to ESPN today about the incident.

On alerting teammate Antonio Pierce to the gun going off: "And he was like 'Why?' and I said I just think I shot myself, and he was like 'Noooo!"

On his decision to secure a firearm in an elastic, fruit-of-the-loom waistband: "Bad judgement."

On NOT realizing he had actually shot himself: "I take two or three steps and, like, my pants are wet. I had some Chuck Taylor's and I looked down and the top of my shoe is red."

Yeah, yeah, real badass, Plaxico. I don't know what is lamer, the fact that you're still trying to look like a big tough guy in this situation, or that you kind of sound like Alicia Silverstone from Clueless. Like, totally.

When explaining the "mechanics" of pulling the trigger through a pair of pants, Burress exclaims "What are the odds on that happening?" Well, Plaxico, you know the odds of needing to discharge a semiautomatic weapon with 13 rounds of ammunition in a crowded Manhattan night club? Higher than that. A little higher.

"In that ball park, I try to see the ball a little longer and make better contact. I always thought it was a ball park where you just stayed within yourself, just try to make more contact, choke up on the bat, let things happen."