Jake: Good evening everyone, here’s some extremely relevant information turn that you all need to know.

A banana slips on a man, not much else to say there

A local boy jumps off a roof in an attempt to make a viral video, sometimes you just need to know when to stop

And a new development has developed, President Trump did something that upset some people wow I never would have thought I’d see the day

Turn Now lets head over to Rake with weather, Rake?

Rake: Thanks Jake, now let’s take a look at our forecast here.

As you can see here uh it’s sunny, um, yeah it’s pretty nice out right now.

But it could storm later this week, I don’t know, we have no way of knowing you can just look it up online

It looks like there’s a lot of grass and trees, so expect some of that to be coming your way.

Back to you Jake.

Jake: turn That’s not… okay

Now let’s get into our main story for the evening.

A banana slips on a man, the roles have been reversed, and we have a special guest here today to give us first-hand knowledge on the incident.

Turn Banana, can you tell us a little bit about what happened?

Banana: So I was um choked up just walking down the street, minding my own business, when all the sudden under my peel I saw a man.

They say it’s just a myth, but it’s no myth.

I slipped on the man, and now look at me, I’ll be rotten within a day cries

Jake: turn Wow that is truly tragic. Do you have anything else to say about the incident?

Banana: I’m sorry crying I can’t do this anymore

Jake: Shot of me not in chair, pans over to me trying to peel banana, notices camera walks back to chair

Clears throat This is truly heart-breaking indeed.

Okay let’s head over to sports with Lake Gobinson, Lake?

Lake: Football season is nearly upon us! But um I’ve been told by the studio angrily that we should cover the recent events of the world cup.

The world cup was held in Russia this year, turned those communist bastards errrrr…

Anyways Croatia wherever that is sounds made up, tried to win the final, but the French somehow pulled out a victory… turned bastards.

Other than that, Rolando scored a bunch of goals, someone was messy, and another individual was confused and thought they were supposed to be doing a gymnastics routine.

Now it’s time for some real sports FOOTBALL YEAH

Camera back to Jake, turned FOOTBALL WOO YEAH HELL YEAH

Jake: after listening to Lake in the background, that’s some great stuff Lake thank you

Let’s head out to the field with Bake and see what kind of work he’s been doing, Bake? Hand to ear

Bake: hand to ear for too long, yelling So today I’m gonna be mowing the grass, it’s very long and needs maintenance… that’s all, back to you Jake

Jake: Shot of me eating banana, look at screen, take bite out of mouth, put in peel, and push to the side

That’s some great work in the field out there Bake!

For our final segment here today we have a local boy who jumped off the roof in an attempt to make a viral video!

Turn So uh why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Parkour Jake: Hi uh my name is Parkour Jake, I’m literally the same exact person as you in every way except I’m really into parkour.

Jake: turn Hmm interesting, interesting, so why do you pursue this kind of career?

Parkour Jake: Just the rush of pulling off some of those crazy moves, that feeling you get when the adrenaline is just coursing through your veins after doing some of those wild stunts. It’s just incomparable

Jake: turned I think you mean uncomparable

Parkour Jake: In-un-incomparable, noncomparable

Jake: turned Noncomparable? Ehh that still doesn’t sound right.

Parkour Jake: The feeling cannot be compared. There.

Jake: Wow, truly inspiring.

Parkour Jake: I can actually show you, if you don’t mind, some of my parkour right now.

Jake: turned Oh wow uh yeah, in the studio, yeah go for it.

Parkour Jake: Okay, here it goes, runs and fails

Jake: shocked look, sits back down

Okay that’s all we have for you today.

For everyone here at Channel Nooz, we’d like to thank you for tuning in, and have a good night, see ya next time

While playing news music

do doo dodooo dodo

Is that guy okay, no? He’s fine

I should probably have a cool sign off thing, I guess the writer just got a bit lazy

How did someone first discover milking a cow? Were they just like, a look at that cow, I’m gonna go yank at its nips. Oh whats this? Some kind of fluid is coming out of it, lemme just drink some of that. Like what who did that I wanna know.

About

Everyone experiences pain, of course. But a comedian has the ability to use their anger and intelligence to refocus and reconstruct their pain into entertainment. It's so obvious that it almost goes without saying, but comedians are generally more intelligent and sensitive than the average person. It's our undeniably superior (almost god-like) intelligence that made life difficult for us when we were children. We could see through the hypocracy and illogic of our parents and teachers, but because of our age and size we couldn't do anything about it. The more we pointed out the foolishness of our "superiors," the more they kept us down. But just as pressure and heat transform coal into diamonds, it's that frustration, social pressure and the heat of anger that transforms us into comedians.