BDSM and me

i am realizing that i have a full-blown philosophy about BDSM. (In case anyone still thinks that being submissive means not having your own opinions – um, no. It doesn’t mean that.)

My concept of BDSM…

…requires clear, specific consent. You can consent to not having a safe-word, you can consent to non-consensual consent if you really want to, but it needs to be clear, specific, and not coerced.

…is not gender based. Women are not naturally submissive, men are not naturally dominant.

…isn’t based on Christianity or other religions.

…recognizes that there are lots of ways to do this right. Your way is not necessarily my way, and it doesn’t have to be.

Those are my general principles about BDSM. For myself – the BDSM relationship i need and want…

…involves an erotic component.

…is not limited to an erotic component. i fantasize about rules and structure, but might be happy with occasionally getting snatched up and reminded of my place – with him and with the world.

…makes both the Dominant and me better people. Ok, “better” is a judgment and a bit vague. Makes us more of who we are in a deep, nurturing way. The relationship feeds us both, and lets us each be more completely who we are called to be.

…requires a Dominant i can respect as a person. He needs to be interested in developing himself, and able to grow as we build our lives together.

…is honest. i’m not so good at playing games, and don’t want to be with someone who would want me to be manipulative or dishonest.

…is not focused just on ourselves, but on the things we do that affect the people around us and the universe.

It’s interesting, i’ve mostly just described my partner and our relationship. Except for the dominance and the erotic component. Part of me is always thinking i should just let that go, that i just don’t get to have that, and the other half of me is still silently kicking and screaming, “bullshit.”

Funny, isn’t it?

Of course, the other part of this is that i need to be – you know, i need to be a good person myself. Partly to try to live up to the standards this person might have, partly just because we’re all called to develop our skills and talents and to work on managing the traits that get in the way of being able to grow and be productive.

For me, that means nurturing and tending to my skills as a healer. Emotional healing, i’m not called to be a doctor or nurse, thank goodness. And small skills – i’m not saving the world, and i don’t think i help i everyone who crosses my path, although that would be my goal. (No, that’s not right, the goal is not to “help everyone.” It’s more like “let my presence be a light” maybe, or something like that.)

Anyhow, if you think that sounds a bit grandiose, maybe it is, but i think that the healing gift i have is not a function of ego, and not something to be “proud of,” as if it were an accomplishment. It’s more spiritual than physical, and more like creating a space where people may heal, rather than doing it myself. The gift doesn’t originate with me, but i am the medium for it – kind of like a petri dish.

If this is way too woo-woo, too new-agey bullshit for you, i totally understand. If this weren’t my blog, i might quit reading it myself. And you know, maybe you’re thinking, “no wonder she doesn’t have a Dominant, she’s bat-shit crazy.”

But i think – i believe – that if i can not let my ego get in the way too much, i can be a healing presence. And i don’t think it’s just about showing up, that just my presence is magical somehow. i’ve worked at gathering tools to help me.

Some of it is “book learning.” Not just a degree to give me the credentials to do the work, but continuing to try to learn and grow.

Some of it is being committed to personal growth, while balancing that commitment with being in recovery from perfectionism. And that’s where i tend to feel stuck and to want guidance. i believe that i need to practice submission. And MP has made it abundantly clear that he is not interested in managing me or controlling me in any shape or form.

Ok, enough of this, it’s not meant to turn into a whine-fest. For now, i need to manage myself, so i’m off to meditate and exercise. You can imagine me chanting “om” and looking like this:

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2 thoughts on “BDSM and me”

What you describe, creating sacred space, letting the skills i have gather be used (or not), thinking in terms of expecting someone will take what is needed and leave the rest, and thinking in terms of knowledge flowing through me-not from me-all makes perfect sense to me. Emotional healing is not an exact science, so it makes sense that we learn to check our egos. Many years ago, i loved reading this amazing author who was a therapist, and wrote dramatically about going in with a client in a kind of gladiator sport against their abusers. With age, better skills, and better understanding-i would know find this psychiatrist to be wildly inappropriate. It isn’t our fight to have-that is pure ego. It also makes me wonder if he has dealt with his own abuse issues enough to not be personalizing his clients experiences and needs. That is totally unacceptable, because it would create damage.
i think it’s great that you have developed a kind of personal and general philosophy of BDSM. It’s great that you can see what needs are being met, alongside what is not. Many hugs. 🙂

Thanks for those supportive words! You’re right, it is about creating sacred space and letting the other person find their way to healing through that. And it is not about me.

Working with survivors can be a real invitation to for the healer to try to do their own healing in one way or another. Sometimes it happens organically in the process, but when the therapist inadvertently uses the space to meet their own needs, it doesn’t serve the client well. Even if it feels good in the moment.

Thanks for understanding, and for the support. ❤ i really appreciate it.

“The Road goes ever on and on Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet, Until it joins some larger way Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say” ~ J.R.R.Tolkien