Penn Satire, Since 1899

Receiving Low Marx

It’s true, college is the perfect time for experimentation. That’s right – political ideology experimentation. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t personally dabbled in the free-thinking lifestyle of a democrat, the high-minded ways of a republican, and the asshole-from-your-management-class-esque milieu of a libertarian. Indeed, I may have even tried fascism once, but those were more innocent times, and you probably couldn’t get away with it these days. But sometimes I wonder to myself, why did I never get hooked on communism?

Could it be that I haven’t been sufficiently exposed to communism at previous stops along my academic journey? Good heavens, I find that very hard to believe, though just last week I woke up in a sweat, realizing that I’d never even read the Little Red Book. I mean, I have read Das Kapital and the Communist Manifesto (who hasn’t?), but they couldn’t pique an 11-year-old’s interest as prodigiously as the magical adventures of Harry Potter. Animal Farm was an equally intriguing read, albeit confusing, because I kept assuming that the pigs were capitalists. Since I only spent 6 years of life before the dissolution of the Soviet Union, I always assumed that Opiate of the Masses was just my favorite Viking death metal band and nothing else. Imagine my dismay when, as a 21-year-old, I finally realized that Opiate’s brain-melting solos were in fact preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.

In all seriousness, communism might make a comeback at Penn. Equal rights, equal wealth, equal grade inflation. Appealing, right? Without freedom of speech, you wouldn’t have to worry about expressing an intelligent opinion in class and making a good impression on your professor/classmate-crush/commune overlord. You wouldn’t go get drunk with your frat brothers but with your frat comrades. Pretty sweet, huh? I could go on and on. Pravda would be way cooler than the DP, and it would probably have the simplest sudoku ever – all boxes would have to be exactly the same. Overt Communist Recruiting would still be alive and well. The Econ Scream would never happen, because that class would be the easiest shit ever.

These days we don’t really hear much about the plight of the proletariat. I suppose you could argue that China is still communist, but it’s red even less than First Call (zing!). Do you want to make a difference in the world? Do you long for the ceremonial military marches that form a transparent façade to hide the rampant poverty that spreads like wildfire in our famine-stricken land? If so, send me a quick email at weinblattisacommie@gmail.com, and receive a free pocket-sized Manifesto! Unless of course you are a member of the capitalist class, in which case you can buy your own damn book, and be forewarned that your demise at the hands of the Revolution is inevitable.