From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jun 9 00:30:48 1999
Received: (from daemon@localhost)
by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id AAA12231;
Wed, 9 Jun 1999 00:10:13 -0500 (EST)
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999 00:10:13 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
Message-Id: <199906090510.AAA12231@moose.cs.indiana.edu>
To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu
Subject: Internet Oracularities #1100
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A
PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB
kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT
X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces.
=== 1100 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1100
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999 00:10:13 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1100
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1095 75 votes Al945 8ibhl 18otd 5lgr6 6rlg5 2kyg3 2eojg 8jgq6 8pod5 5rsb4
1095 3.0 mean 1.9 3.3 3.6 3.1 2.8 3.0 3.4 3.0 2.8 2.8
--- 1100-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most medically informed,
>
> I just heard today that everyone has at least one book in them. Do I
> need an operation to have it removed?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In your case, yes. You have one of those small books of postage stamps
} (the previous rate, not the current one) wedged into the left hind
} pocket of your pants. I'll perform an operation to remove it.
}
} You owe the oracle $6.40.
--- 1100-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Darkmage
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> $grov
>
> $ques
>
> End of Internet Supplicities Digest #1099
> ******************************************
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} $zot
}
} $tagline
}
} End of Internet Junoarities #1099
} *********************************
}
} $off_topic_post
}
} $in_joke
}
} $python_ripCaretHCaretHCaretHquote
}
} $cascade_that_makes_Juno_users_look_funny
}
} $whining_about_above
}
} $whining_about_whining_about_above
}
} End of posts in rec.humor.oracle.d
} **********************************
}
} $profanity
}
} $Monica_joke_that_makes_RHOD_look_funny
}
} $profanity_directed_at_person_making_Monica_joke
}
} $profanity_directed_at_person_making_profane_remarks
}
} $flamewar
}
} $utter_crap
}
} $spam_for_FUNNEIST_WEBSITE_ON_TEH_NET
}
} End of posts in rec.humor
} *************************
}
} $clever_question
}
} $sidesplitting_answer
}
} End of priest's "trash" mail folder
} ***********************************
}
} $another_clever_question_thrown_away
}
} $another_sidesplitting_answer_by_this_Incarnation_\
} _lparen__No_I_dont_mean_this_answer__rparen__thrown_away
}
} End of priest's life (I'm warning you...)
} *****************************************
}
} $boring_question
}
} $unfunny_answer
}
} $overused_and_pointless_joke
}
} End of Internet Oracularities Digest #xxxx
} ******************************************
}
} $boring_question_referring_to_recent_rec_humor_oracle_post
}
} $unfunny_answer_parodying_question
}
} $overused_and_pointless_joke_involving_recursion
}
} End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1100
--- 1100-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Alyce Wilson
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Master of all the Jedi, thou who art most strong with the Force,
> I seek your wisdom. One of your Knight Priests (you know the one)
> told me something I could scarcely comprehend, much less believe.
> I thought perhaps he was only teasing me, as I am merely a young
> Padawan apprentice. Now I doubt that this was the case, so I appeal
> to you. Is it true that Senator Palpatine of Naboo is the same person
> as Darth Sidious, Master of the Sith? I eagerly await your reply,
> as your answer may influence which direction I turn next.
>
> Anakin
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Look Lucas, I agreed not to spill the beans on your paying of shills
} to sit in lines for months as a PR stunt to push your comic book of
} a movie. I agreed to not point out that the film had no plot. I even
} went along with not drawing people's attention to how obviously the
} horns on Maul are held to his head with used bubble gum. BUT trying
} to use my digests as a freebie ad spot for your bloated waste of tape
} is TOO MUCH.
}
} Be gone before I point out that the kid you hired acts worse than
} Opie of Mayberry R.F.D. on a bad day.
}
} You owe me another half point of action or I'll go public with all
} of this!
--- 1100-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle, thou who knows the wisdom of the ancients.
>
> Okay. I've got the cat, the dragon's tooth, the lizard's tail, water
> from the spring of eternal youth, the volcanic ash, the eye of newt,
> and, of course, the lead bar.
>
> *Now* will you tell me how to turn the bar into gold?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well supplicant, the first thing you need to do, is come up with a
} catchy name for your bar. Nothing kills a good business like a poorly
} thought-out name. As a historical reference "Big Fat Guy's Salad Bar
} and Tofu Palace" should have closed before it was even opened, or the
} infamous "Don't ask us What You're Eating, You Don't Want to Know
} Delicatessen." The food at these establishments was second-to-none,
} but because the names turned peoples' stomachs, no one visited them.
}
} So, now we get back to your bar. I'm thinking that your idea of "Six
} Things You Wouldn't Want to Eat, and a Mythical Drink" isn't the best
} choice, but nice try. "Mystic Potions Inn" or "Ye Olde Witches
} Brewery" might be better choices. Although, you would do yourself well
} NOT to actually use any of those ingredients in your concoctions...
} with the possible exception of the Fountain of Youth Water. If you
} wanted to concentrate on one of the ingredients listed above, you could
} use any of them as names with similar success.
}
} Here's some ideas for the type of bar you could open with each of the
} following bar names.
}
} "The Cat" - Obviously a 'Gentleman's Club' for the red light district
}
} "The Dragon's Tooth" - Good name for a bar near a tattoo parlor or a
} Dentist's office... or both
}
} "The Lizard's Tail" - Could be either a 'Ladies Only' Club, or a Classy
} lounge for polyester clad patrons by the name of Larry
}
} "Water from the Spring of Eternal Youth" - The name is a bit long, but
} geriatrics could hang out here with the false pretense that they could
} actually turn back the wretched hands of time. Muuaahahahaha!
}
} "The Volcanic Ash" - Not the best choice, but could be a 'Grunge Rock
} Club' catering to the explosive habits of today's youth. Would also
} work well as a Cappuccino House. Combine the two, and you've got a
} Grungy Cappuccino Clubhouse for Rockers..... On second thought, I kinda
} like it!
}
} "The Eye of Newt" - (snicker) A political satirist's bar if I've ever
} heard of one. Pictures of Newt Gingrich in S&M Leather and chains
} adorn every inch of every wall. (I snicker, because this is actually
} one of Zadoc's most secret fantasies)
}
} "The Lead Bar" - Somewhat conceited, thinking that your bar is out
} front, and in "the Lead," but this is exactly what attracts yuppies and
} corporate ladder climbers. This bar has the potential of turning
} incredible net profits, as you could charge enormous amounts of money
} for drinks, and just call them "the best." Your patrons will pay more,
} because "more expensive is better, right?" Read the other way, it
} could be perceived as a hangout for radiologists.... Nope, go with the
} first interpretation.
}
} Now that you have the Name, and the type of Bar decided upon, it's time
} to open your business. If you really want to turn this bar into
} "gold," you need to get the word out that your open. And remember the
} 3 keys to successful business:
}
} 1) Advertise
} 2) Advertise!
} and
} 3) ADVERTISE!
}
} (I know that some people say "location, location, location," but with
} the proper advertising, location means SQUAT! People will come if they
} think they're going to the best!)
}
} You need to hit EVERY type of media, but concentrate on TV and Radio.
} No one has time to read the paper anymore, and magazines are ok for
} Doctors' offices, but people forget what they saw in the waiting room
} as soon as they leave. And take my advice, spend the money to get a
} good advertising firm. Don't just have your uncle Bart bring his video
} camera over and tape it for you. And by all means, with a face like
} yours, KEEP YOURSELF OUT of the advertisements.
}
} I happen to know of a great advertising agency T.I.O. Enterprises, Inc.
} d.b.a. 'Advertisements Are Us!' (see catchy title isn't it). They
} charge exorbitantly high amounts of money, but they guarantee to do
} everything that any other advertising agency would have done - only
} they'll charge you more (it MUST be better if you're paying more,
} right).
}
} After the doors are open, you need to keep people coming back, so
} service is a must! Again, T.I.O.E.Inc. has a subsidiary company that
} can help you out: 'Waitrons Are Us!' With the advent of successful
} cloning, we^h^hthey have been able to produce carbon copies of Lisa and
} can export them anywhere (for a price!). Guaranteed to make your
} guests' visit a "pleasure." (and trust me, they WILL come back for
} more!)
}
} A clean atmosphere is also good, 'Butlers Are Us!' (T.I.O.E.Inc.) can
} help you out there. Sniveling reproductions of Zadoc come prepackaged
} ready to clean even the slimiest of bathrooms, and the deluxe model
} will do so while groveling at your feet.
}
} If your bar is 'out-of-the-way' you may need a shuttle service to bring
} your patrons to you (or to bring them home if your establishment is of
} an alcoholic nature). 'Cabbies Are Us!' delivers with DNA
} reproductions of Og. Sure, they're a little "rough around the edges"
} but they get the job done, and provide a safe trip for your customers
} as well (Og can do some pretty amazing things with a spikey club when
} threatened).
}
} Well supplicant, there - in a somewhat largish nutshell - is how you
} can turn your bar into "Gold." Any further questions regarding this
} should be forwarded with prepayment to T.I.O.E.Inc. 'Answers Are Us!'
}
} You owe The Internet Oracle Enterprises, Inc. 40% of your gross profit
} for the next 3 millennia, payable up front... send check to T.I.O.E.Inc
} 'Accountants Are Us!'
--- 1100-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Rich McGee
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great Oracle who is stronger than many many Neanderthals.
>
> Who lives on Mercury?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hmmm, On Freddie? Just worms, just worms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Bohemian Rhapsody.
--- 1100-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great Oracle who shines more brightly than gold.
>
> Is it true that The USA and Great Britain are actually the same they
> just appear to be different countries because of errors in the map?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Speaking as a Britcarnation, I have to say that's the feeblest attempt
} by Americans to get their hands on our culture I've heard yet.
}
} Look, sunshine, you lot had your chance to be Great and British, but
} you blew it with that idiotic Revolutionary War of yours. What was that
} all about, eh? So now all you've got to show for yourselves are Paul
} Revere, Ulysses S. Grant and half a dozen Western outlaws. Well, don't
} think you can come sneaking back here to get your hands on our
} Boadicea, Canute, Lady Godiva, Richard the Lionheart, Black Prince,
} Walter Raleigh, Dick Turpin and Queen Victoria now, with pathetic
} stories about errors in maps. You're not fooling anyone but yourselves.
}
} No, you're just going to have to get some history of your own now, and
} it'll take you a couple of centuries at least. More, if you don't get
} yourselves some memorable leaders. I mean, take the following list of
} kings of England: which do you recognise?
}
} Ecbert
} Aethelwulf
} Aethelbald
} Aethelbert
} Alfred
} Eadmund
} Eadred
} Edwy
}
} Alfred, right? Because he beat the Danes and burnt the cakes. All the
} rest of them did bugger all. So who in 1000 years is going to remember
} Carter, Ford, Reagan, Bush and Slick Willy? If you want to start making
} some history for yourselves, vote for Pat Robertson in 2000. He'll have
} to do until another Caligula comes along.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of how you would attempt to deal with
} a mabinogion, a wapentake and a venomous bead.
--- 1100-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: David Sewell
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, my darling,
>
> Once upon a time, the Scots were mad, bold men who ran wild south of
> the border, killing peasants, raping sheep and generally terrifying
> the English.
>
> Now they're principally noted for having a Parliament more boring than
> New Labour. What happened ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Have you seen how ugly the sheep in England are nowadays?
--- 1100-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Alyce Wilson
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle whose great knowledge is indistinguishable from magic,
> please do me the favor of testing my prognostication abilities.
>
> Pick a Card, any card!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Supplicant: Hey, Orrie! Pick a card, any card!
} Orrie: Okay.
} Supplicant: Is your card the Ace of Spades?
} Orrie: No...
} Supplicant: Is your card the Queen of Hearts?
} Orrie: No...
} Supplicant: Is your card the Two of Clubs?
}
}
}
} Orrie: No...
} Supplicant: But I've named all the cards, including jokers! What card
} did you draw?
} Orrie: The "To order the Hoyle Rulebook for 1000 card games, send
} $19.95 to Hoyle Games Ltd, New York, New York, 00012" Card. You lose,
} supplicant!
}
} According to Hoyle, you owe the Oracle a hand of 52 pick up.
--- 1100-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Alyce Wilson
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> John Cage?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Like many of the greatest inventors in the packaging industry--
} including such notables as as Joseph Box, Franklin Duffel, Simon P.
} Can, and Sarah L. Overhead Compartment-- John Cage suffered from
} exceptional hubris, and named his supreme creation, a product
} developed to ease the containment and transport of living creatures,
} after himself.
}
} The most famous of Cage's contemporaries, Phillip Glass, had a
} similarly enlarged ego gland, as it were, and named his revolutionary
} transparent product after himself. His daughter, Patricia Fiber-Glass,
} similarly looked to her surname when labeling her slight revision of
} her famous progenitor's product.
--- 1100-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Orrie most sexy;
>
> I've got a feeling, I've got a bit of an inkling, this is going to
> be one of those days. How can I make it one of these days instead?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You are indeed correct -- it is going to be one of those days. Before
} I answer your question, let me offer you some of today's highlights:
}
} 10:00 -
}
} You arrive at work an hour late. That's not to say you don't enjoy
} your job -- you may only be an Assistant Paper Shuffler and Pen
} Twiddler at SlimeCorp, but you are a *well-paid* Assistant Paper
} Shuffler and Pen Twiddler. [Don't you mean "manager"? -Z] [No, then
} I would have left out the "Paper Shuffler" part. -O] The Chief Web
} Surfer and Solitaire Player in your division berates you, and you
} realize that one more wrong move will get your butt canned.
}
} 12:00 -
}
} In an attempt to play a practical joke on a "friend" of yours, you
} forge a cross-post to the entire alt.binaries.pictures.erotica
} hierarchy containing a request for "RELY HOT NOOD PIX", as well as
} explicit descriptions of several acts which I will not even attempt to
} detail here. (Really, though, an *EEL*?! I mean, I'm not exactly an
} easily offended deity, but one has to draw the line somewhere...) The
} highly elaborate forgery offers no clues as to its origin, save the
} fact that it includes your twenty-eight-line signature, complete with
} the official SlimeCorp logo and slogan ("Slime: It does a lawyer
} good"). Needless to say, this qualifies as "one more wrong move".
}
} 12:01 -
}
} Your online lover reads the above-mentioned post, and sends you an
} email detailing just how relieved she is that you aren't really named
} "Don", since "she" isn't really named "Loretta" either.
}
} 14:19 -
}
} Due to an unfortunate similarity between your address and that of drug
} lord Guido "The Intranym" Afuisti, your three bedroom house is raided
} by several hundred heavily armed agents from the DEA, BATF, NSA and
} several other TLAs. (No, it isn't a conspiracy -- in fact nearly
} everyone is surprised to see the NSA show up, considering that most
} geeky crypto types can't even aim, never mind operate, a weapon.)
} While the men-with-guns apologize for the error, they point out that,
} as is clearly stated in the new "Get Tough on Crime" laws passed
} overwhelmingly by the voters, they cannot be held liable for anything
} they do, including, just to give a few random examples here, burning
} your house down, pulverizing your car, and shooting your dog.
}
} Unable to afford a lawyer, you attempt to enlist the help of the ACLU,
} but they inform you that they can't be bothered with trivial Fourth
} Amendment matters such as these, with all the crosses being placed
} near public parks and other similar Crimes Against Humanity being
} committed, so why don't you just go f--- yourself, okay? The NRA is
} willing to take action, provided that you can prove that you owned at
} least fifteen semiautomatic assault rifles prior to the incident with
} the BATF. No other political organization with any power offers shows
} any interest, as you happen to be one of those godless heathen
} Northern Baptists, as opposed to a One True Southern Baptist.
}
} 23:38 -
}
} Despondent over the events of the day, and also over the fact that,
} had I responded to your question earlier, all of this could have been
} avoided, you finally snap and go on a shooting-
}
} No ... that can't be right. I'm responding to your question at this
} very moment. [Checks message headers] Oh, , it would appear
} that the queue was, er, backed up over the past few days, and that I,
} er, I *meant* to write:
}
} You are indeed correct -- it is going to be one of those days. It'll
} be just like yesterday, in fact, except that weather will be a bit
} hotter, and the country music a bit louder. Oh, and to answer your
} question, you might as well forget about changing the outcome of
} today, or any other day for the rest of eternity, for that matter.
} This is, after all, called "Bakersfield", I mean "Hell", for a reason.
}
} For reasons which must be painfully obvious by now, what you owe the
} Oracle doesn't exactly matter anymore.