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Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Burdens of Marrying a Super Hot Guy

This is a warning to all women who are considering marrying a Super Hot Guy. Or hoping to Marry a Super Hot Guy. It is not all fun and games I tell you. I just want you to be aware of what you are getting yourselves into. Not like it will stop you if a seriously hot guy asks you to marry him, but at least now you will know the burdens you will have to endure for the rest of eternity if you do. Trust me, I married one.

...Don't say I didn't warn you.

#1. When you first start dating a Hot Guy, you can literally feel other girls (who had their eye on him) staring you down while you aren't looking. Some will even refuse to talk to you, because they are so annoyed that he likes you and not them. It gets worse when you get engaged to a Hot Guy. If you listen close enough you can almost hear other girls' hearts breaking when they find out that he wants to marry you (and not them as they had hoped he someday would).

#2. When you first get married your friends will get sick of hearing you talk about how awesome your husband is, and how happy you are, and how hot he is. But you won't be able to stop talking about it, because every morning you will wake up and look at the guy sleeping next to you and not be able to believe that you somehow won the Husband Lottery. So then you will just have to get new friends.

(Hey Stick around folks, I'm about to get all jaded and sarcastic here, just sit tight and you will get to the funny parts.)

#3. You identify with Carly Rae Jepsen when she sings the words "It's hard to look right at you baby..." Sometimes you come home to a Hot Husband washing the car sans shirt, or lifting weights, and you almost have to look away cause they are so hot.

#4. You always have to dress up and look as good as you can when you go out in public with a Hot Husband, so people don't see the two of you together and wonder how this seriously Hot Guy wound up with such a haggard girl. And don't think they won't think that, because they will.

#5. Hot guys need to keep up their Hot Guy wardrobes, so when you come home from shopping, with a few new outfits for yourself, your Hot Husband will ask what you got for him.

Pay attention to this next part right now, because this will make or break your wardrobe for the rest of your life.

Always always buy him something. If you do, he will never be mad when you buy yourself new clothes. And he will not feel the need to spend a ton of money all at once to keep his wardrobe up to Hot Guy Standards, thus saving your joint bank account from serious unneeded strain.

#6. Whenever you join a new group of people, someone will inevitably come up to you and say: "All of the _______ think your husband is so cute." (fill in the blank with; Other preschool moms, Young Women at church, ladies at the gym etc.)

You think I'm kidding my friend, but I am not. Women will say this to your face. As if you didn't know he was hot already, they have to tell you that everyone else thinks so too.

#7. Hot guys tend to yield hot sons, so then you have to somehow teach your sons to resist forward girls who throw themselves at them.

Try explaining to a 13 year old boy, when his hormones are going all crazy, why he should resist girls who throw themselves at him. When you figure out how to explain that, go ahead and try, and let me know how it goes.

#8. Hot Husbands tend to have hot guy jobs like being a Fireman, or a Doctor, or a Personal Trainer, or a Super Hero. All jobs with weird hours, many of which mean they work late, or all night even, and only actually sleep with you in your bed like half the time. Many of which jobs also involve them helping or saving people and/or rescuing damsels in distress regularly.

Lets just talk for a sec about how amazing and totally comforting it is, sleeping alone while your super Hot Husband is at work rescuing helpless or injured women all night long. Who will inevitably instantly fall in love with him.

Like you need more of those around.

#9. Hot guys spend a lot of time working out, or playing sports so they can stay hot. This means they will have less time to hang out with you.

On the bright side though, do you remember that scene from Invincible when Mark Wahlberg is playing football in the rain and mud with all his friends....

...yeah this particular burden is not all bad if you like watching Hot Guys play sports.

You're welcome.

#10. Old ladies will call your house to ask if your husband can help them lift, or fix, or move something, just because they want to visit with a hot guy.

I kid you not folks, this actually happens to girls who marry Hot Guys.

#11. Hot Husbands usually have a long list of past girlfriends, which you may or may not run into from time to time when you are out together. These girls will usually be drop dead gorgeous themselves, and you will inevitably be pregnant and/or in yoga pants with spit-up or catchup on your shirt when you run into them.

Just in case this happens, I invite you to learn this mantra, and repeat it to yourself on just such an occasion, to assist you in keeping it together.

He is with me.He wanted to marry me.If he wanted to marry her, he would be married to her.This is his offspring I am carrying in my belly,and he loves me, or else he wouldn't have put it there.

Now memorize it, and keep it in your back pocket just in case you ever need it. Because there will come a time that you will.

I am serious.

While you are repeating this mantra to yourself, try to resist the temptation to dwell on the fact that his child, which you are carrying, is utterly destroying your once perfect body from the inside out.

(Hey I didn't specify when it was perfect, it could have been pretty perfect in the sixth grade OK.)

#12. Hot Guys are not used to being told no because everyone likes to please beautiful people.

So if you are driving while your Hot Husband rides shotgun, and you come to a yellow light, and he tells you to punch it, and you say no, he will get all confused and ask what that word means, because he has never heard it before. (Kind of like the double rainbow guy. "What does it mean?!?")

#13. It is hard to look at your Hot Husband when you are in an argument, because they are so hot that looking at them makes you concede and give in, even when they really shouldn't get their way. In order to avoid this you have to get really good at refusing to make eye contact when you want to win the argument. Or else you are doomed to live with the consequences of losing every argument.

Trust me, you do not want to lose every argument. That is how women end up driving a car with an alarm but no power door locks. Do you know how hard it is to take a toddler with you to run errands, while you are pregnant, when your car has no power door locks? Let me tell you it is not worth the hundreds of dollars your Hot Husband thought you should save by buying the less expensive model of your car.

Let's not even talk about all of the other arguments you will lose, that will cause you to end up with things like a 50" flat screen TV, or a neon sign in your living room, or your new husband leaving on a surf trip with his buddies the week you get home from your honeymoon.

#14. Hot guys can seduce you whenever they want, so you better not skip even one birth control pill or you may be with child within the hour. Trust me on this one.

This is another good time to try to not make eye contact. I'm not saying it works in this situation, I mean look at my track record. (Three pregnancies, in 6 years.)

I am pregnant right now even.

But I am saying you could at least try the not making eye contact thing in this situation. It could work...for you. Buuuut you should probably just run directly to the drugstore immediately for backup birth control if you ever run out.

#15. Mother-in-laws tend to love Hot Son-In-Laws more than regular Son-In-Laws, so your sisters will probably hate you because your husband will always be your mother's favorite.

#16. Hot Guys often tend to eat healthy in order to keep their bodies in shape. So you will be forced to either look like a fatty eating a burger next to him, while he eats fish or kale or something. Or you will be forced to give up eating all the good stuff like Cheeze-Its and peanut M&M's. Are you really ready to give up Cheeze-Its and Peanut M&M's, and eat broccoli and chicken for the rest of your life?

#17. As I have alluded to already, Hot Husbands tend to yield beautiful children.

Having a beautiful family will make you want to show them off by sending Christmas Cards out to every person you have ever known, so they can see just how good you have it.

This is really expensive let me tell you. The family photo sessions, the printing, the stamps, (enough for everyone you have ever known mind you) you will inevitably go broke every year doing this. just in time for Christmas.

#18. Random women who knew your Husband back in the day somehow feel it is appropriate to tell you that they always hoped that your husband would end up marrying their sister, or daughter, or niece. As if you care about who they hoped he would marry.

Thanks Lady! Oh and yeah, I am with child. I kinda lagged on making that announcement. And now people see me around and go, "Whoa are you pregnant?" To which I reply "No, are you saying I look fat?" Or, "I had a big lunch." It's kinda mean, buuuuuut it's also really fun. So I'm just gonna keep goin' with it for a while longer.

Meet the TWIT

I am a Fashion Designer turned Housewife, and a mother of two. This blog is about my adventures becoming the Trophy Wife my husband deserves, with a few inspiring stories, and my own cheeky little commentary on life, and what it's like being a housewife in Orange County.