Edit Note: This post won a 2017 Brodie Award for Best Discussion on Parenting!

Thank you to all who voted.

It has been 2 years since my son left for his Mormon mission to South America. His farewell was one of the worst moments of my life.

Nothing about his decision diminished my love for him, but his leaving and the events surrounding it left me feeling discarded and misunderstood. At his farewell in particular, I sat on the church pews listening to him pontificate on his assigned speaking topic, something about having a righteous family. Of course, that led to mentions of Jesus being the only way and how important it was that his mom had taught him about all things Jesus and Mormon.

I was just an invisible unnecessary placeholder in his eternal quest for the self-congratulatory eternal family. I was ignored completely in that sermon on family.

It hurt.

It hurt a lot, but I swallowed it and moved forward maintaining a loving stance.

I’ve e-mailed him each week religiously. He tells me that his companions and other missionary friends rarely get letters from their fathers. I find it fascinating how those more Mormon, but rather self-absorbed and negligent fathers are institutionally seen as better than me.

They wear the right underwear.

My e-mails have usually been full of the latest details about our family, me and his sisters. I always tried to include a healthy amount of humor. I’d send jokes or the latest memes because I know how somber and dreadfully serious everything can be on a mission.

But now that he’s coming back I’ve been dreading the same sort of snubbing at homecoming events that I experienced when he left.

So, I’ve decided that instead of feeling sorry for myself I am going to take my power back. I’ll be hosting my own welcome back party for him. I’ll be inviting my gay and ex-Mormon friends and he can invite whomever he wants. The focus will be on our joy to have him back. That’s it. I’ve run it by him and he has agreed!! I’m very excited.

I don’t want to just place my address out there on the web, but if you are in the Phoenix, AZ area on August 26 please message me and I’ll link you to the invitation. You are invited. This is the invitation without those details. What do you think?

Misfits and Mormons: Mission Homecoming Open House

When: August 26, 2017 6:00 – 9:00 PM

My Son is coming home from his mission to Chile! Please come celebrate my son’s mission return at an open house style party at my home.

I realize this is a rather odd invitation since none of you know my son and only a few of you even know me. Read and consider coming anyway.

In the 2 years that have passed I’ve met so many fellow gay Mormons and apostate Ex-Mormons that you are like family to me. So, instead of feeling left out and ignored at the typical homecoming events, I’ve decided to create my own event to celebrate my happiness to have my son back. He has agreed to participate and he will invite whomever he wants.

My son and I have a great relationship with mutual love and respect.

Join us if you can support that and help me create a safe, welcoming demilitarized zone between his believing Mormon friends and those of us who have stepped beyond it.

Like this:

The anticipation of this moment is why I started this blog in the first place.

My son, my oldest child, leaves for his mission in 3 days. Tomorrow is his farewell at church.

[Insert Dad’s actual primal scream here]

What a hodgepodge of emotion.

I’m devastated that he’s been successfully indoctrinated enough to arrive at this point.

I’m excited for him to see the world outside his insular Mormon community,

I’m thrilled he’ll get to experience leaving the country for an extended period of time.

I’m disappointed that he hasn’t really thought about what he’ll really be doing.

I’m feeling inadequate and powerless to prepare him for the reality of what’s ahead.

I’m troubled that he hasn’t even remotely gone through the process that he’ll be encouraging his investigators to go through.

I’m disappointed in myself, that I haven’t done enough to expose him to the alternative.

I’m feeling left out of all the Mormon-ish preparations and celebratory events.

I feel intentionally left out of the fatherly role entirely.

I feel like I’m losing my son to a cult… officially

I am worried about his physical welfare…I know the piss-poor conditions of missionary accommodations, the lack of concern for health, the lack of vigilance for his health and well-being by the church he’ll be working for.

I’m proud that his stated goal is to serve and love his fellow man and make their burdens lighter.

I’m feeling powerless to explain to him that his main objective on a mission is to CONVERT and that that’s not the same same thing as “serving.”

I will miss him.

He’s a well liked young man. I like him. He’s clever, funny, sarcastic, talented and intelligent. He has an honest heart and a sensitive demeanor.

I’m dreading the farewell. I’ll see all my former ex-in-laws but also my own family who have treated me like shit.

I dream of the day I can share a beer with my son. Not for the beer. For what it represents.

Bottom line:

I am glad I’m his father. I love him no matter what. The pain and struggle I’m feeling now is my own. It represents my own life experience and I can’t expect him to realize at 18 what it took me 38 years to discover.

I know I’m late to the party to discuss the latest “historic” Mormon missionary announcements, but I have a son entering the next high school year as an upper class-man and so the realities of impending LDS mission concern me.

Maybe I should start with a reality check of what HASN’T changed since the early 80’s when I served a mission:

The minutiae of mission objectives, practices, rules, and timelines seem earth-shattering to members (especially those on missions or with family members about to leave). They rarely, if ever, impact potential converts. Probably the one exception that I can think of was President Kimball’s executive order that “every young man should serve a mission.” That greatly increased mission numbers and conversions.

LDS Missionary numbers don’t really impact retention rates, or congregational growth. Only 30% of LDS converts worldwide become active or participating members of the Church. Only 3-5% of active LDS members in North America are regularly involved in missionary work

All the hoopla and hype serve to pump up potential missionaries and their families to feel like they are doing something significant.

For a numbers-focused system like an LDS mission tends to be, there is very little reliance on statistics to make modifications where there would be the greatest success.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard that there is going to be some program change to impact member missionary participation or reactivation efforts. They don’t make a difference to the 70% of inactive Mormons, or to the 95 – 97% of members who don’t participate in member missionary work.

The truth remains that a mission is to solidify the indoctrination of its participants.

The second main function and purpose of a mission remains proselytizing and conversions (no matter how unsuccessful they are at making it stick). The biggest possible changes with the most impact for humanity at large remains elusive to the Mormon missionary program: Serving their fellow man through humanitarian aid.

Therefore, as is evident, it really doesn’t matter what changes are made or what new policies are revealed, just so long as it appear that the prophets are doing something significant behind the curtain. The Kool-Aid must be stirred. Nobody really cares what color it is.

Back when I was my son’s age the big deal was that a mission would be shortened from 2 years to 18 months. Inspiration from the prophets!

I think that lasted only a handful of years. Then, when I was actually out on my mission, it was revealed to reverse the previous inspiration and they switched back to 2 years. Fortunately, I got to choose. I initially opted to extend 3 months longer to make it a 21 month mission. I wisely shortened that back to 20 months. I could be one of the few former missionaries who served honorably for only 20 months.

Now, younger missionaries and technology enter the stage. What seems obvious to everyone else is still elusive… Putting tens of thousands of these young people to work doing service missions around the world! Can you imagine the impact on themselves and the communities in which they’d serve?

Not part of the plan. As far as I know the White Bible of mission rules still states:

Do not provide community service that isn’t approved by your mission president.

Do not provide more than 4 hours a week of community service.

Do not provide community service during the evening, weekend or holidays—those are peek proselytizing times.

Change THAT Mormons in high places and I’ll back my son on a mission! Until then, it’s just the same old, same old. Try pulling back on the selling and instead just “let your light so shine,” as someone you might want to listen to once said.

Like this:

Four months in Brazil and I was gradually developing the skill of conversing in Portuguese. I could understand far more than I could say as is always the case when learning a new language .

For several weeks, my companion and I had been teaching a large family and preparing them for baptism. At least 3 generations lived under one roof in this small but typical Sao Paulo home. It was a warm summer holiday evening…either Christmas or New Years Eve and they had invited us to celebrate with them. There were large plates of food, lots of people and the place was overflowing with hospitality.

I’m one of those people who has a difficult time escaping from conversations I’d rather not be involved in when speaking English. Put me in a Portuguese situation and I’m practically an all ears prisoner. On this particular night I found myself trapped with the patriarch of the family in his late 60’s, Senhor Santanna.

For the most part, Brazilians were besides themselves when they had an audience with an American such as myself. There were usually a bunch of culture related questions and just a high degree of interest in all things USA. While these folks were usually equally proud of the uniqueness of Brazil, it was rare to find what I’d call a Brazilian patriot.

Senhor Santanna was a Brazilian patriot determined to convince me of his country’s superiority.

Brazil is a free country. Freer than the U.S.A!

I don’t pay taxes! I’ve worked 30 years and haven’t given one dime of my hard earned money to the government.

You Americans pay 20, 30, 40% of your money to the government. You are socialists.

The socialist United States was a foreign concept to me at the time. Like any other good American I had a gut-level hostility to the mere mention of socialism. I grew up in a fairly conservative stronghold that was fiercely capitalist and free market…anti-communist… Republican.

But still, in my inexperienced and not too politically savvy mind, less government hadn’t done my friend any favors either. If America was a socialist country then I’d take it.

While I was happy for Senhor Santanna’s proud tax free existence, I wasn’t blind. I was able to see his partially toothless smile and look around at his barefoot children and grandchildren. His home had spotty electricity. If there were zoning or building codes in the neighborhood I would have been shocked. I had walked to his home part way on dirt roads and choppy pavement. It wasn’t a favela by any means, but it wasn’t Copacaban either.

To this point in my life I hadn’t personally paid much in taxes myself. I had had a part-time job in high school at a pizza place and it seemed like a lot of money was taken out of my state regulated minimum wage check, but I’m sure it was probably in the 20% range. Anything I had bought with that money surely had sales tax attached too.

Still, I had benefited far more from this taxation than I had contributed to it starting with 13 years of free public education. I grew up in the suburbs where electric and phone lines were safely invisible and roads were new. I could ride my bike home late at night on well-lit, smoothly paved streets. While I don’t think my parents ever had much health or dental insurance on us, I had been blessed with beautiful white teeth kept healthier through clean public water supplies and fluoridation. What insurance they could afford to carry on us, their car and house was further regulated with price ceiling caps. My parents enjoyed other tax benefits by way of child credits and mortgage interest deductions to name a few.

And here was this Brazilian patriot telling me that all that American stuff was socialism.

No!

Communist Russia was the socialism I knew!

I’m still not sure what level of socialism I’m comfortable with, but I think it’s fairly obvious that we already live it. To decry socialism now is to deny the very benefits we have all received from it.

I certainly wouldn’t want to jump full scale to either side of the socialist spectrum… 1980’s style Brazilian no-tax freedom on one end, nor 1980’s style Soviet communism on the other. Many of my Brazilian peers at the time felt their lives were void of opportunity much like I imagine a young adult in the former Soviet Union would have.

In my opinion if a government program’s sum existence provides more opportunity to the greater number of people than it restricts, I’m in. I imagine very few in American will agree on where that line should be drawn but at least let’s be honest with ourselves and admit that for everyone but pure libertarians the question is actually how much socialism we can accept, not whether to incorporate it at all…because that ship has already sailed.

Additional Notes:

*I’ve since learned that Brazil does indeed have an income tax so the only way that Senhor Santanna had never paid into it was that he lived below the poverty tier at the point where no taxes were collected …or he was a tax evader.

*Brazil also has a form of sales tax where substantial tarrifs are placed on certain goods making many items there much more expensive there than they are here. The cost is just incorporated into the item by the retailer and doesn’t show up on a receipt.

*I think the example is still valid as an anecdote here because the point is that there is no clear concrete line delineating different economic approaches. It’s all in perception.

*Sorry if I’ve gotten political. That’s not my blog’s purpose or aim. It was a missionary moment that shaped my beliefs and I thought it was timely, so I’ve shared.

I should have expected it, but I’m still hurt. I just noticed that my favorite mission companion unfriended me on Facebook. He’s no longer anywhere on my friends list and yet he’s on mutual friends’ lists.

I’m not exactly sure what I did to deserve such a dramatic move. He had known about my apostasy before Facebook. As a rule I never post controversial opinions on friends’ walls so I couldn’t have offended there. That’s what I use this blog for and it’s anonymous to boot.

My Facebook wall is pretty innocuous. Occasionally, I have posted links to gay rights issues. I reviewed the last six months of my own activity and there’s one post that may have done it. Its the only one involving religion at all. The comments section is a bit messier, more controversial than I tend to get.

Here’s the image I suspect led to the offense. This image and my follow up comments to a different friend must have done the trick. In the comments someone claimed that the term “rape” as used in the scripture in question didn’t mean actual force. It only meant fornication. While I disagreed with his interpretation, I also said that it did nothing to lessen the silliness of the rule and that it is still not followed by modern Christians…that it highlights how people interpret the Bible to match their own prejudices especially with regards to resisting gay marriage today:

I’m guessing that that exchange offended my former companion…

All this made me recall some of my mission experiences with this companion.

If you’ll remember, I left off describing my mission at my first companion eloping. I was then placed immediately with a neighboring companionship and we became a threesome. We got along famously for about 3 weeks. I later learned that one of these companions committed suicide after the mission, due to his homosexuality I suspect.

My third companion was my least favorite. Elder J. He was an American with very low self esteem. He was upset that I was American; for he wanted a Brazilian companion to help him master the language. His solution to that problem was to only speak in Portuguese with me. It was extremely annoying. After a meeting with a family I’d ask him what happened and he’d answer me in Portuguese. If I could understand Portuguese I wouldn’t have had to ask the question. During one companionship inventory he told me he didn’t want to be companions with me because there was nothing he could learn from me. After a three month nightmare with this guy I was finally transferred out of that first area. I had told the mission president in an interview that I didn’t like my companion. The mission president responded by saying,

“This experience will help you later in life when choosing a wife. You’ll recall personality traits that he has and then avoid those in a potential mate.”

Oh brother! He at least had a sliver of compassion since he tranferred me at the next opportunity. The mission president decided to send me to Jacarei’, a small town with Elder P (the one who would eventually unfriend me on Facebook). We were both new in the town and lived in a house with 2 other missionaries who were also assigned to that city. Elder P had been the financial clerk in the mission office and I was his first greenie companion. All said, that time period with Elder P in Jacarei’ was the turning point in my mission from a time of misery to something fun and even “spiritual”.

What a difference a friend can make!

Elder P and I became friends. We remained companions for almost 4 months and in that time we had a lot of fun and even success. I think we baptized around 40 people which included about a dozen guys our age that also became friends of ours. When I left my mission they traveled a significant distance to see me off. They later served missions themselves. I don’t regret anything about that time period of my mission.

In the years since that time Elder P and I remained friendly. I’ve visited his home several times and attended his wedding (which at the time I was devastated to learn wasn’t a temple wedding). I saw him occasionally while I was at BYU and teaching in the MTC. He attended my wedding and we remained loosely in touch over the years although we lived at quite a distance from one another. As it would turn out he became the more religious one as I became the apostate.

After my faith crisis, I came out as an apostate to him in a letter or a phone call. I don’t remember which. I never came out as gay to him, but he certainly could have figured it out. I had learned with my wife that too much information at once can overwhelm people to a point that they’ll never recover. I neither hid the fact nor boasted about it.

He was devastated by my apostasy and he even contacted our former mission president to nark me out. Out of the blue one day when I was at my new boyfriend’s house our mission president called me! Still, even after that, we friended each other on Facebook and all was cordial, or so I thought.

Something made him decide that being loosely connected to me on Facebook was a disadvantage to him. I can only assume it is that I’m gay or decidedly ex-Mormon. It’s certainly not the first time someone has reconsidered their relationship with me because of those facts. I have several siblings who barely acknowledge my existence as a result.

Still, it honestly hurts. I’d rather get a nasty, self-righteous letter condemning me than to be subjected to this sort of apathy.

For the record, my phone lines, IM, Facebook friends list or e-mail are always set to receive and reconnect with a lost loved one.

Yet, for being gay or for leaving the LDS faith I won’t apologize or feel ashamed.

Santorum makes me want to throw up (make sure you click on the link if you don’t know the urban dictionary meaning of “santorum”). And few things can get to me like that. Self righteous arrogance will do the trick every time.

I recently received a comment to my blog that was dripping with the same sort of sanctimonious “holier than thou” sentiments that we are seeing in the current political discourse. It was from a former missionary like myself who commented on my post Send My Child on a Mormon Mission?

So, as with previous comments of a similar tone, I’ve decided to address the submission right here front and center. For the never Mormon readers who may pass through here, the sort of thinking (or lack thereof) evidenced here is why those of us who leave the LDS faith would never return. And I’m ashamed to admit that I was much like this man when I was fully entrenched in it. The following comment comes from us courtesy of a “Jason Campbell, dds,” according to the e-mail address:

I am trying to write this to the author of the blog:
You simply went on your mission for the wrong reasons.

Isn’t it wonderful, isn’t it marvelous how a righteous man such as yourself can drop by a blog, read one article, and with the gifts of the spirit that you obviously possess diagnose my entire 2 year mission experience at the drop of a hat?

Such a simplistic notion is evidence of a simplistic mind. Clearly the decision to serve a mission is a complex one filled with a wind range of reasons, hopes and expectations. The last time I checked any sort of LDS mission preparation material there wasn’t a wrong reason for serving a mission. Obviously, it’s a sliding scale and there are better reasons than others.

Unlike many of my peers on my mission I went because I believed in the gospel… all of it. I believed that Spencer W. Kimball was a prophet when he said that all worthy males should serve a mission. Since I was worthy, and male, was the desire to obey that commandment an erroneous reason?

I was “carefully indoctrinated and trained through the family and the organizations of the Church, and [went] to the mission with a great desire.” Was that the wrong reason?

A mission is about serving others.

No, a mission is about CONVERTING others. There’s a big difference. In the Mormon mind those are one and the same. But in the real world they are vastly different. To an outsider, there’s no real service to humanity in the current LDS mission program. A neighborhood isn’t made any better for having Mormon missionaries living in it. That sort of connection only exists in the minds of the LDS faithful as if by virtue of conversion to Mormonism an individual automatically becomes a better citizen. That may be the end result in some rare cases, but there may be negative outcomes in others. In most conversions I would suggest that it’s a wash. To the community at large, the individual convert is of the same value to the whole as they were before the conversion.

I complained about the living conditions in Argentina on my mission and then one day a companion said, Elder, you will be going home in a few years. These people will not. They will live out their lives here. That really hit me.

I’m baffled that the concept actually had to be pointed out to you. This likewise makes absolutely no sense in reference to my original argument. Let me see if I understand your case: So, because Argentinians were destined to live there permanently in unhealthy living conditions then you should have to as well?

You actually reinforce my argument here that your time would have been better spent doing something to permanently improve the living conditions in Argentina rather than on conversions.

I learned to love the people and serve them. My mission was not about me.

I did too, although I obviously take issue that any of us really “served them” in any concrete way.

Upon returning from my mission I began working at the MTC in Provo Utah. In order to do so one needs a recommendation from your mission president. One of the items on this recommendation form asks if the former missionary in question was among the top 10% of missionaries who served in that mission. Without that checked “yes”, the MTC won’t even consider an applicant. I find it interesting that my mission president believed me to be among the top tier during his tenure and yet you can read just one of my blog posts and imply that I didn’t love the people, or serve them adequately and that I had somehow made the two years about me.

I’m glad I’ve not forgotten how the LDS faith nurtures sententious men who make comments like this. The further removed I am from it, the more I hope that I’ve cleansed that from my character.

I wasn’t there to learn a language, develop friendships, “find” myself, gain experience in a 3rd world country, become a better student etc.

None of us were there for those reasons alone, but in retrospect those are indeed the positive takeaways from having served an LDS mission. Like I said in the original post, those benefits can be better achieved in other ventures at much less personal cost.

I was there to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ and I witnessed miracles in the lives of people I served and to this day I thank God that I was able to serve a mission. It would do it again in a heartbeat.

Please do detail the miracles…

Please?

I can see myself saying that sentence verbatim until about 8 years ago. But to this day I can’t describe a supposed miracle that occurred. Yes, I did teach many people and many of those folks converted. Many of them sacrificed greatly to do so. Some were rejected by their families, while others later served missions themselves and married in the temple. Some people converted who we never thought would.

Guess what? The same things happen within other evangelical churches. New converts adjust their lives to match the requirements of the new doctrine and culture. Those missionaries consider THAT miraculous too. In fact, people change every day in this world… atheists change and improve their own lives too. People quit drinking and smoking all the time. Some people become more loving to their families or stop unhealthy promiscuity – some do it with religion and some do it without. I’d love to know of the miracles that you witnessed in Mormonism that don’t occur anywhere else.

I’m guessing that since there aren’t any, you will default to something along the lines of, “The miracles I witnessed are too special and too sacred to share.” Sheeyeah, right!

To claim that it is somehow akin to going through prison or the holocaust is offensive to those who went through that. They had no choice. You and I did.

You misunderstood that part of the blog. I wasn’t comparing the two scenarios. I was explaining my disagreement with the pop culture concept that since I got something good out of a mission that it was “meant to be” or that that’s what was “supposed to happen.” Meaning is derived by how you react or approach experiences, not in the experiences themselves. I still stand be that example and I believe the tone was respectful to holocaust survivors.

It’s ironic timing to get this comment from you when the LDS church is being highly criticized publicly by the Jewish community themselves for disrespecting their Jewish ancestors by performing ordinances for the dead. I’d like to get the opinion of a Jew whether they consider my comment or the doctrine of baptisms for the dead more offensive.

We chose to be there and if you didn’t want to be there you should have had the guts to leave. No one forced you to go and no one forced you to stay.

Unfortunately, while I was there I didn’t know what I know now. I was there voluntarily and as I left my mission honorably I would have praised it like you do here.

It is a bit disingenuous to make this comment, however, when we both know there is tremendous pressure on young men to complete a mission. When a missionary admits that they want to leave there is a great deal of coercion to stay. I was assigned to one such companion on my mission. He wanted to leave but the mission president decided to ignore his request and transfer him to me. I also have a brother who DID leave his mission only 3 or 4 months in. After several high-pressure interviews with his mission president, there was an international conference call arranged with our local stake president in the states. My father and I were invited to this meeting which was for the sole purpose of convincing him to stay. He was bawling that he didn’t want to stay and only my Dad was telling him that he couldn’t care less and that if he wanted to return he was welcome to come home.

Once back home there is even greater shame and embarrassment heaped on the poor young guys. Everyone assumes that he had moral problems. And good luck trying to find a girl to date when you’re someone who left his mission early!

I sense in your post that you are not very happy person and whether you can admit it or not the choices you are making are what is not making you happy.

And that’s where the dripping sanctimoniousness rears its ugly head.

First. According to Mormon teachings it would be unthinkable that an apostate let alone a gay apostate could be happy. So, this statement is a no-brainer for someone thus indoctrinated like yourself. I’m not even going to do the work to gather the numerous quotes by the Mormon General Authorities (someone else has HERE), or shall we say the earth’s experts on human behavior and happiness that say as much. That perspective is a sure knowledge given to followers who lap it up with eagerness.

Studies and facts which suggest Mormons themselves are the highest users of anti-depressants and therefore likely the least happy among us mean nothing to these types of people.

The truth hurts sometimes and it is obvious to me that you know what is right and until you admit it and return to Christ you will not be happy.

The truth hurts indeed. Discovering the truth of Mormonism was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. It hurt to admit I was following a hoax for so long and that I had operated as a tool in the conversion machine. But I’m extremely proud for having left once I recognized it. Most people of whatever background stay in the religion of their birth regardless of what they believe. Staying is easier. Once I no longer believed, I did leave and I’ve found peace and more happiness as a result. That’s my experience that I share here.

I don’t claim to diagnose or prescribe leaving Mormonism to anyone else. The doctrine and teachings didn’t fill me with joy in the end and I don’t see that it does that for many people I know in my personal life…but I’m willing to acknowledge that it might. I can see that there may be many positive benefits for an individual to remain in Mormonism and yet I know all too well that there are harmful aspects.

One last comment regarding your last sentence… there are many former LDS folks who leave Mormonism and “find Christ” elsewhere. They also report happiness in their destination. I find it interesting that you automatically assumed that since I have left Mormonism that I don’t have any sort of relationship with Christ.

Here’s an honest question for any active LDS readers who might chance upon this blog post…

Have you ever had a non-member’s face light up and absolutely glow with excitement once they find out you are Mormon? Do they ever then pepper you with questions at a party or gathering so that it ends up dominating the conversation with everyone else riveted on your every word?

It had never happened to me either.

It was mostly indifference back then.

But it happens to me ALL THE TIME now … when they find out I’m an EX-Mormon, that is.

And friends who once avoided or tip-toed around religious topics now approach me with the subject all on their own. It would have been a dream reaction back in the days when I was an enthusiastic member missionary.

People can’t get enough of it now. I used to think it was ME. Early on in my post-Mormonness it seemed like every interaction I ever had circled back around to Mormonism. Then, I stopped talking about it or avoided it when asked because it was starting to annoy even me.

Unlike a lot of post-Mormons I am still regularly confronted with the LDS religion because my children are being raised in it. It’s still in my life whether I like it or not. After some time of remaining mum I began to build up a frustration due to not talking about the crazy things I saw it doing to my kids as a father.

I ended up with a strange ambivalence because I wanted to talk to somebody, but I didn’t want it cloud my interactions with EVERYone anymore. And I certainly didn’t want to make my kids listen to my ranting since it’s not their fault their Mom is fanatic.

That’s exactly when I started this blog and that’s why I blog anonymously.

So, I’m at a nice place where I rarely bring up the topics I post about here in my personal life, but I can come on here and lay down my thoughts and frustrations and then walk away.

But it always finds me anyway!

I just got a text message from a long-time friend (since high school) visiting town who has invited me out for drinks with some of his traveling buddies:

HIM: Six men still at the pool. We’ll be out soon. As soon as I know the plans I’ll call you. FYI EVERYONE has Mormon questions…sorry!

HER:“I do love you. I have so many questions next time we’re together. Save your kids!”

Tonight I’ll replay a scene that has taken place so often over the last 6 years. I’ll be at a bar with a drink in my hand getting peppered with questions on Mormonism and their reaction will most likely be, “Noooo!” or “Sounds made up”

I’ve actually been working on this post for a long time, but I just read a blogger who listed his own reasons for wanting to serve a mission and so it got me re-interested in finishing it. I do respect and understand the desires of that young man, the blogger who wants to serve a mission. But my main comment for him was that I don’t think an actual LDS mission is anywhere close to what he imagines it to be.

When the time actually comes, I’ll have little to no say on whether or not my son ever serves an LDS mission or not. His indoctrination right now at 13 is pretty well set and firm. It took me 40 years to figure things out myself, and only then after my strong LDS mother was 6 feet under. I certainly don’t expect a much earlier epiphany out of my own children whose mother is an even greater indomitable force.

To start off, I both hated and loved my mission with the full depth of emotion on both sides of that spectrum. On the positive side, I learned a lot. I grew a lot in positive ways and the experience is forever a part of my character and soul. I can’t imagine Brazil not being part of me.

So, why wouldn’t I want my own children to have such a life-changing experience of their own?

The truth is that I would, if the positive side were the overwhelming dominant factor of the mission experience. I would if there weren’t other safer, healthier, more honest and more effective methods of growing, growing up, showing service and compassion to others or achieving those same ends.

I firmly believe that you can create meaning and growth from almost any experience in life, but I do not believe in the pop culture idea that since I got something good out of a mission that it was “meant to be” or that that’s what was “supposed to happen.” Meaning is derived by how you react or approach experiences, not in the experiences themselves.

I’ve read and heard presentations from war and holocaust survivors who are able to detail clear life-changing benefits from their horrible experiences. They wisely derived meaning from it. Events like that are obviously life-changing and character-building. Survivors often come out on the other end with significant strengths (and/or wounds) after having experienced trauma. But that doesn’t mean one should volunteer for them or that meaning exists in the trauma itself.

Life will happen either way. We don’t need to place ourselves into precarious positions in order to experience it.

My Dad is fond of recalling his challenging times, “I’m glad I went through that, but I’d never want to do it again.” As a father myself, I feel like I’m completely consistent in saying that I’m grateful for my mission experience but that I’d never want my son or daughter to go through it.

So, while I fully expect that possibly more than one of my children will one day elect to serve a mission, here are the reasons as a father that I hope they don’t.

Keep in mind that I served a mission to Brazil in the early 80’s and worked in the MTC in the late 80’s. Some things may have changed, but I don’t believe a mission is THAT different at the core now than it was for me. I also know everyone’s mission experience is unique and different (stateside vs abroad, Asia vs Europe vs South America, etc), but I have talked with a great number of returned missionaries to supplement the perceptions I have of my experiences. Here are my impressions:

Health

This is #1 on my list for a reason. My mission in particular was incredibly unsanitary. I’d never want a child of mine to live in the conditions I lived in. There was zero concern or care for our living conditions on my mission. I arrived in Brazil with little ability to communicate in order to do anything about it on my own such as change apartments, or hire a maid.

By the time I could communicate, I was well aware that hygiene was 100% my own issue and I needed to basically do my best with the circumstances I was given. My initial depression upon arriving in Brazil was in large part due to the extreme shock of my living conditions. There is no reason that proper housing and hygiene shouldn’t and couldn’t be a top priority for mission leadership. My experience is that the top Salt Lake City brass thinks it is, but that doesn’t trickle down at all.

There are many, many missionaries who serve in 3rd world countries that return home with chronic health problems. I know this is true because I experienced it and I heard it admitted in a leadership meeting when I worked in the MTC.

Now lest anyone think this is a slam on Brazil, it’s not. The unsanitary conditions of most of my lodgings have more to do with a complete and utter lack of concern for our health by the church and mission leadership not on local customs. I visited very clean Brazilian homes even in poor neighborhoods. I believe that a majority of missionary housing world-wide is substandard. I believe that that is inexcusable. If I am to send (and pay for!) a son or daughter to work for your organization, this had better be your MAIN concern, not just a footnote in a training manual.

For example, by the time I made it to my second assignment I had a few advantages. My companion had been the financial clerk in the mission home and he knew how to finagle the administration to actually get us some needed supplies. We bought beds. We also hired a maid to clean, do our laundry and cook which is common there. One day we went to the bus station to pick up a fresh missionary from the MTC who had been assigned to be the 4th missionary in our home. On the taxi ride back to the house we bragged about how we had the best living conditions on the mission, so we set his expectations high. I’ll never forget, however, the look on his face when he walked in the front door. I’m certain he wanted to sob as he whimpered, “THIS is the best house in the mission?”

Lack of boundaries

I believe there are certain inalienable personal boundaries which are proper and necessary for an individual to maintain his/her identity. The LDS Church itself already violates many of these boundaries, but a mission crosses the line even further.

If you are a sincere Mormon working towards obtaining the “Celestial Kingdom” you are advised or regulated in your underwear, finances, volunteer positions, sexual behavior, choice of congregation and in much of your free time. On a mission, you are further regulated in your outer clothing, grooming, your name, your “companions” and every last minute of your day, week and year. There literally is no personal space on a mission… figuratively and literally. You are never alone.

While an employer or volunteer organization may have an employee manual just like the missionaries have the white bible , there are usually clear boundaries in the real world between professional behavior at work and personal behavior on down time. This boundary doesn’t exist on a Mormon mission. Yet, I believe this is a time in a young person’s life when they should have that personal space.

Disrespect

Mormon missions are organized into a firm hierarchy with a older male president as leader. The nature of the missionaries’ relationship with that president is an ever present force in a missionary’s life. It’s really the luck of the draw whether you get a power hungry dictator or a kind, understanding father figure. But even in the most idealistic circumstances missionaries are treated as servants, and followers. Yes, I’ll even say it…they are treated as cult members not volunteers or even employees.

In Mormonism, a leader is followed, not questioned. There is no such thing as checks and balances in any Mormon organization, especially not a Mormon mission. The assigned leader leads and it is assumed that he is behaving on God’s will. There’s not even a chance to select or apply for assignments or leadership positions. Everything is selected for you. There are a few assigned leadership positions for a select few missionaries to supervise and instruct their peers. Yet, because of this inherent lack of checks and balances or respect for the individual these chosen missionaries often inherit power that they are unprepared or unqualified for, but which sets the standard for the rest of their lives.

Mormons missions teach leadership, but it’s a leadership style for little dictators with the best of intentions. Even more importantly Mormon missions teach unquestioning following for everyone else.

One size fits all

There is no autonomy or ability to form the mission experience into something that meets individual strengths goals and abilities. This wasn’t always the case as I understand it. Formerly, missionaries could create sports teams, performing troups and language classes that enabled them to interact with the local community using their talents. But with church-wide correlation came a more homogenized experience for proselyting missionaries. On my mission you taught. Period.

When there is down time, you can go out and do door approaches, street contacts and collect referrals from local members but there is very little to no ability for creativity or straying from the determined formula of those activities in each mission.

Even on Preparation Days (P-Day) missionaries are still required to stay together and so their “down time” activities follow the rigid pattern of the interests of a 19 year old boy from Utah…basketball or some activity that I was rarely interested in or good at.

Sanity & Indoctrination

When all your personal control is taken away as I described above, it is unnerving. When you can’t communicate with friends or family, you often feel like you are losing you mind. It’s a form of torture to never allow someone to be alone, to not allow an individual to call family or friends even on birthdays or holidays. What’s worse is the guilt and shame piled on when a missionary does reach out or tries to develop some semblance of autonomy and connection to the outside world. The isolation it creates is the perfect breeding ground for the depression and fanaticism that so often follow a missionary’s service.

It breaks down an individual’s sense of self and as a Mormon that would be considered a good thing, but I know that it literally takes years for that to ever wear off. Again… that’s the whole purpose from the Mormon perspective, but from a father’s perspective I see my children’s individuality as already perfect. Becoming more isolated, more devout and indeed more fanatic is not a plus in my worldview.

Education

You will hear a lot of returned missionaries describe how a mission taught them self discipline and study habits that they otherwise never would have learned. It helped them learn to live alone and away from Mom and Dad for the first time. Often, these are people who floundered in high school. For some people I agree that a mission’s hard-core training can do this, but I found such testimonials odd. I was already a great student before I went on a mission. I was on scholarship at a well-known East Coast University and had plenty of experience successfully living on my own. Like the military, I suppose a Mormon missionary can save aimless and wandering youth from themselves. But like me, my children are showing every sign of being able to navigate their world, to establish goals which they work hard to achieve without the babysitting required of a mission.Furthermore, for students who have already learned life skills college is the right place at this time – not on a proselyting mission. Missionaries return behind their college peers in almost every way. After the mission, when you place the immediate Mormon pressure to get married and start a family on top of their already paused education it’s a recipe for financial hardship. And unfortunately the family spent all their money for the mission so there’s very little left for a returned missionary to study properly.

Age Appropriate

Plain and simple, 19 -21 year olds should be experimenting with relationships, career decisions and wrestling with life philosophies not in a restrictive indoctrination camp where their every move is regulated. Yes, they should be developing life-long skills and behaviors that help them serve others too, but not at the expense of EVERYTHING else.

Better Alternatives

There are other better ways to gather life experiences that match or exceed the results of an LDS mission…. Study abroad, Peace Corps, Foreign Service, volunteer vacations, teaching abroad, volunteering in the local community. In fact, it’s much easier to travel to a far off land and tell yourself that you are serving humanity, when every move of yours is actually serving an insular organization and helping nobody in particular in any particular concrete way.

It’s much tougher to do it at home; THAT would actually be a life skill worth developing… service to humanity while going about a daily routine.

There’s very little actual service to fellow man going on during a Mormon proselyting mission. Everything has one end in mind and that is to convert others to Mormonism. Of course Mormons will tell themselves that that in itself does make the world a better place, but I’d disagree. There are better ways. From an outside perspective, someone converting to Mormonism has very little impact on the larger community. There are far too many concrete opportunities for service right at home.

Hypocrisy

Most of the 19 – 21 year olds who serve an LDS mission would never consider questioning their own parents’ beliefs, yet they are planning on spending 2 years of their lives asking others to reconsider the faith of their fathers. Likewise, I don’t think I’ve ever met a Mormon missionary (including myself) who has really studied his/her own religion to any significant extent let alone another faith. What most of them know about their own religion and the religion of others is only what is taught in Sunday School and Seminary classes. It’s hypocritical to sit in front of adults and ask them to seriously consider and search for truth outside their faith, when the extent of their own searching has been to pray as directed to know that the LDS Church is true (not “if”).

I don’t believe I could support a child of mine on an LDS mission until I witnessed the kind of searching that leads to alternative sources of material and honest questions.

If you’ve served a Mormon Mission, you are probably aware of the Grant Von Harrison book, Drawing on the Powers of Heaven. It’s like The Secret for Mormons. The Deseret Book description of the pamphlet sized book reads:

The powers of heaven are very real and can dramatically influence the course of events in a person’s life.

Exercising the faith required to call upon the powers of heaven involves a very specific process. In order to be proficient at exercising faith, you must understand the process thoroughly and then learn to apply the process in your daily pursuits.

Essentially, the idea is that there is a recipe for becoming spiritually powerful . Just as The Secret purports to provide a unique guide to hidden untapped power via feelings, Drawing of the Powers of Heaven claims via a Cognitive-Behavioral approach that certain actions and behaviors lead one to a state of worthiness for God’s power.

As a Mormon missionary, that means that if you do all the right things you will lead others to get baptized into the Mormon Church. In other words, if you insert obedience into the God ATM, punch in the specific PIN code (sexual purity, intense scripture study, hard work, unwavering faith in all things Mormon), then out will come spiritual money in the form of inspiration, concrete results and miracles.

It sounds awesome, doesn’t it? Except that things don’t really work like that in the real world or even in the Mormon missionary world.

The most obedient, faithful missionaries aren’t necessarily the ones who baptize the most.

Inspiration and creativity don’t depend upon any sort of moral purity or “worthiness” of the individual.

The sort of person who subscribes to this kind of philosophy often ends up being a real asshole.

Charisma isn’t something you can learn or “do”.

Testimonies to the success of this sort of idea always remember the hits and ignore the misses.

Even if you’ve never read this book, the concepts within will not be foreign to an active Mormon. Guilt plays a huge factor in the ubiquitous Mormon philosophy that actions reap concrete physical and spiritual rewards. In fact, at the end of every chapter of this book there a sort of warning that,

“If you don’t do this you’ll be held accountable before God…you will be sorry all your life. Not only you will suffer endless torment but those who you aren’t converting because if your laziness and unworthiness will not gain eternal salvation due to your lack of faith and obedience.”

Now, I for one worked really hard on my mission. I was “fortunate” to be sent to a place where people were relatively welcoming and receptive to our message. I could probably claim that I achieved the sort of success that Grant Von Harrison talks about. I baptized over a hundred people and don’t think I went a single month without reporting that I’d baptized at least one soul. But I’m certain that none of it was due to the kinds of things that Harrison attributes to this sort of success.

The entire philosophy is bullshit and I even knew it back then.

I saw charismatic, but lazy and disobedient missionaries regularly baptize dozens more each month than I did.

I knew “spiritual giants” who were sent to places like Italy, Japan and Sweden who were lucky to baptize even one person their entire mission.

But my final debunking of this entire idea came once I met Grant Von Harrison himself. He was my bishop during my first year at BYU right after I’d returned from my mission. I’m going to try hard to not follow with the ad hominem fallacy that just because Grant Von Harrison was a nasty person therefore his ideas are false. I don’t believe that.

For me, his ideas were draconian and untrue before I met him. But meeting him and getting to know him confirmed my impression that this “Power of Heaven” philosophy did not lead one to become the type of person I admired. He ran the ward like a cold military commander and was incapable of drumming up emotion and warmth if his life depended upon it. I doubt anyone in a Mormon Priesthood leadership position was as far away from the man Jesus Christ in the New Testament than this man was.

Testimony meetings in that ward were even ripe with references to his cold demeanor. Students would say things like, “I know bishop Harrison isn’t the hugging, feeling, emotional type but I know he is inspired… blah, blah, blah…” I remember Bishop Harrison telling us in Elder’s Quorum meeting once that getting an erection while kissing was a sin. He even wrote another book on the topic called “Is Kissing Sinful?”. The guy was a piece of work I tell you.

I had occasion to become good friends with a counselor in our Stake Presidency at the time and he confided in me that Bishop Harrison conducted more disciplinary counsels in his BYU ward than in the rest of the stake combined and that this then led to more disfellowshipments and excommunications.

On a person level, Grant Von Harrison was the first bishop with whom I ever shared anything that would lead any reasonable, clear thinking person to assume that I might be gay. You know what his reaction was?

“Don’t ever think on this again. Don’t entertain memories of this thought. Don’t talk about it with anyone ESPECIALLY YOUR FUTURE WIFE… and don’t ever feel that again”

Seriously, I’m not exaggerating. His best advice was to Turn it Off. Unfortunately, I tried far too long to follow his advice.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve read or been told that “turning it off” isn’t a Mormon idea. It’s just all in disaffected Mormons’ heads and that my failing to come to terms with my homosexuality is due to my lying and deceitful nature.

I DID make a grave personal mistake by thinking for far too long that my personal desires which aligned with Mormon ideals would materialize if I just prayed hard enough, studied hard enough and pretended hard enough. But I didn’t do that in a vacuum. It was an approach based firmly and solidly on the type of faulty Mormon philosophy painted in Drawing on the Powers of Heaven.

Do yourself a favor and don’t go near that book with a 10 foot pole. There are a lot of good people and good things in Mormonism, but Grant Von Harrison’s Drawing on the Powers of Heaven isn’t one of them.

The beauty of a good work of art is that its message or meaning is universal; it transcends time and place. Only time will tell if the Book of Mormon musical on Broadway does this; I believe it does. Anyone can certainly enjoy it fully without a primer, but I thought it might be fun if I jotted down some notes that came to my mind as a former Mormon. Parker and Stone were detailed oriented enough in the writing that they got a lot more right than I’ve ever seen a non-Mormon achieve in a play or movie. You can find my other comments regarding the play here and here.

Using the musical numbers as a guide, here are some details and background information that you may not catch if you are not well-acquainted with Mormonism. This is certainly incomplete. It’s been months since I saw the show. I’ve also tried to keep it spoiler free. I don’t think any of the following details will ruin the experience of seeing the play for the first time. Correct me if I’m wrong.

Hello!

Door Approach – Missionaries indeed practice proper “door approaches” in the Missionary Training Center just like in the opening song.

Elder – Mormon Missionaries take upon themselves the title of “Elder” and it essentially replaces their first name, as in “Elder Price” and “Elder Cunningham”. Females are called “Sister” as in “Sister Monson” Notice how in the play several of the Elders’ names are somehow related to money… Price, Green, etc… very funny.Missionary Training Center (MTC) – There are several training centers worldwide but most North Americans, and therefore most Mormon Missionaries, are trained at the large MTC campus in Provo, UT. It is across the street from the LDS Temple and a block from Brigham Young University campus.

MTC Teachers – During MTC training, missionaries will have several teachers. They are almost exclusively BYU students who have recently returned from their missions. Teaching in the MTC was my part-time job while I studied at BYU. In the musical, an older “Mission President” is conducting the training; chalk that up to artistic license.

Two by Two

Mission Calls -This process has been noted by others as inaccurate in the theater production. Before training, missionaries already know where they will be going. They don’t find out as portrayed in the musical. There is a rigorous interview process back at home, not to see if the young man is qualified, but to see if he is “worthy.” After health and dental checkups are done, the missionary-to-be sends in his “papers” or application. The Mormon concept of the process is that the prophet determines each missionary’s destination based on “revelation”. In truth, there’s a committee of folks (paid or unpaid, I don’t know) who sift through the hundreds, if not thousands, of “papers” on a weekly basis and determine assignments based on need. A letter is sent home to the individual announcing where he has been “called” to serve. This is a big event for Mormon families. This “mission call” also designates a day he will enter the MTC alongside a group of other new missionaries.

Mormons are taught to not desire to go to a particular place like Elder Price, but everyone secretly does. Some want to go abroad, while others want the comforts of a stateside mission. When I got my mission call to Brazil, I was momentarily disappointed because I didn’t want to speak Spanish. It was great to immediately realize that they speak Portuguese there!

Companionships – Upon entering the MTC, missionaries are immediately paired off into same gender partnerships and then bunched together in groups of 6-10 called “districts.” They will all study, eat, pray and worship together. These districts are grouped based on target language and cultures. Missionaries going to Uganda would probably all be put together in the same district in the MTC. They’d travel to the country together and be reassigned a new, more experienced companion there.

Females vs males – Mormon men are expected to serve a mission at age 19. There’s really no acceptable exception to this. Those who don’t are definitely oddballs and quasi-outcasts. Some young women wouldn’t even date a Mormon boy who didn’t serve a mission. Females, on the other hand are welcome to serve a mission but not until they are 21. It’s certainly not expected of them to any extent that it is of the men. In fact marrying is considered a “higher calling” for women than serving a mission and the joke is that only women who couldn’t get a man end up on missions.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints -Fun fact…Joseph Smith’s church went through several iterations and names before zeroing in on this one. As a Mormon I never knew this. It’s only significant because Mormon missionaries make a big deal over the proper name of the church as if that alone makes it true. The logic often being that it bears the name of Jesus Christ so it must obviously be His church. Until you look at former official names they used which didn’t near his name. Were those periods of apostasy?

Mormons use the term “saints” here to refer to themselves as the true followers of Christ. They don’t mean it in the Catholic sense that they are more holy and sanctified than others.

You and Me (But Mostly Me)

Stereotypes – Elder Price and Elder Cunningham embody 2 stereotypical missionary archetypes (I’d like to think I was somewhere between the 2):

The overzealous 19 year old who has dreamed and prepared for his mission his whole life imagining how significantly he’ll be able to change the world and convert thousands to Mormonism on his efforts alone.

The unprepared goof-ball who didn’t listen in Sunday School class, who has never even read the Book of Mormon and who is only going on his mission to get the approval of his parents, or because he doesn’t know what else to do at this stage in his life.

Farewell – Anyone who has been to the Salt Lake City airport will recall seeing families meeting up with their missionaries flying off to their assignments. This will be the first time they are permitted to see their families since two months previously when they said goodbye as they entered the MTC in Provo. They won’t be permitted to call or visit with family again until they return from their mission.

Hasa Diga Eebowai

Vulgarity – This song explains itself. As Mormons are nice, any sort of cussing makes them extremely uncomfortable. If a Mormon were to walk out of this show, my guess is that it is during this song when they’d do it. Be advised that Mormonism isn’t a target here. God is. So, sensitive believers of any stripe beware. Others who can take a joke should be prepared to die laughing. Notice also how Mormons being overly nice is parodied throughout the play, beginning here.

Problems – This song also introduces another common theme in the entire play. That is, the juxtaposition of the weighty life challenges of the African natives when held up against the lightweight and relatively inconsequential concerns of the of the American Mormons.

Turn It Off

Put it on a shelf – Mormons will deny this, but “turning it off” is certainly something Mormons are taught to do. I’m not sure where it originated but most call this “putting it on a shelf”… it’s an ability to live in denial. It’s not just suppressing. It’s actually denying a problem exists. And Mormons are by no means alone in this habit. They’re just incredibly good at enforcing it.

Being Nice – As the musical points out several times, being nice seems to be a high level Mormon commandment… and who can complain about that? Except that it means most will avoid conflict and contention at all costs and many difficult issues fail to ever get addressed or become resolved.

I Am Here for You

Rules – A detailed rulebook known as “The White Bible” instructs missionaries on every detail of their daily living. Elders Price and Cunningham are breaking a rule here by sleeping in the same bed together. They are supposed to be in the same room but not in the same bed.

Garments – Mormons will be shocked in this scene when the Elders strip down to their religious underwear, called “garments” as they prepare to sleep. When Mormons go to the Temple for the first time and participate in that ceremony, they are given the garments “as a protection and a reminder of the covenants they made” that day. There are markings sewn into the garments to remind them of the promises they made in the temple. Those promises have to do with obedience, sacrifice, sexual purity and giving everything (time, talents, money) to the church. Initiated Mormons are supposed to wear them 24/7, night and day with a few exceptions: Showering, sports activities, swimming and sex.

All American Prophet

How Mormon lesson manuals portray Joseph translating the Book of Mormon

Mormon Origins– Part of the telling of this Joseph Smith story is what actually happened rather than the official LDS version. Most active Mormons don’t actually know that Joseph Smith’s method of translation was to put his face into his hat with a special stone at the bottom.

There are some minor but inconsequential inaccuracies too. Moroni, the angel, in the official version is said to have appeared and instructed Joseph of the exact location of the plates rather than appearing after Joseph stumbles across them in his backyard like in the play.

Also, Joseph Smith never really designated Brigham Young as his successor as the play portrays. He was just one of many who claimed to be the rightful new prophet. There are actually several less known off-shootsof Mormonism that can trace their roots back to Joseph Smith’s death and the ensuing disagreement over who should take his place as the Mormon prophet. Brigham Young was the most popular choice and therefore his following was the most successful. That doesn’t necessarily make him or his church the most right. Those other lesser known off-shoots have just as much claim to the term “Mormon” as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does.

How even Mormon historians admit Joseph "translated"

American – Mormons will bristle against any of the faith being uniquely American even though it clearly is. The Book of Mormon is uniquely 19th Century American. All the concerns and beliefs specific to Joseph Smith’s time and place are addressed in the book. Mormonism, even now, is rigidly American in many of its policies and practices as the Elders’ staunch uniform demonstrates.

Sal Tlay Ka Siti

False hope – On my mission the vast majority of folks that were interested in our message were actually more interested in the promise of the American dream. Obviously they misunderstood, but this song captures that truth quite well.

Man Up

WWJD – Like mainstream Christians, Mormons will try and apply life decisions to what Jesus would hypothetically do in their shoes.

Why do bad things happen? – I love that Elder Price is superficially concerned with this age old philosophical question. His real question is “Why do bad things happen to ME?”

Orlando – Mormons and Disney! Man, the comparisons could be endless!

Making Things Up Again

Lies – Lies are bad in Mormonism just as in any religious tradition. But the brilliance here is how the play demonstrates that Elder Cunningham’s lies actually produce good fruit. This is a metaphor for how Mormonism and other religions rely on very foundational lies (or myths) to achieve positive ends. One man’s lie is another man’s religion.

Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

Rules – Leaving your companion alone is a grave violation of mission rules. As mentioned in my previous post Mormon missionaries are guilt-induced into frantic states over petty violations of mission rules…just as Elder Price is in this number.

Johnnie Cochran – I’m not sure why but every faithful Mormon I know really got into the OJ Simpson trial. The ones I associated with at the time were aghast that Johnnie Cochran could sleep at night after he helped get OJ off. It’s hilarious that Parker and Stone tapped into this tidbit and placed him in the company of other evil men. My LDS friends have a hard time understanding certain democratic principles such as the right to a defense. I think they get the concept but can’t fathom anyone actually performing the role of legal defense and sleeping peacefully at night.

Gentiles – “Catholics and Jews.” Mormons have actually adopted this term and use it to describe anyone who isn’t Mormon just like Jews might use it to describe all non-Jews.

Hell – I’ll say it again. Mormons don’t really believe in a hell like the one portrayed in the musical. Instead they believe in different levels of heaven, or kingdoms. From the highest to the lowest, there’s the Celestial Kingdom, the Terrestrial Kingdom and the Telestial Kingdom. In Mormon theology very few people make it into hell. The evil men represented in the musical most likely qualify for the lowest rung on the heaven ladder, the Telestial Kingdom. Actual hell, or “outer darkness”, is reserved for “sons of perdition.” These are people like myself who once had a testimony of the truth of Mormonism and have later denied it or “denied the Holy Ghost.” That’s right, someone like myself who leaves Mormonism is worse off than, say, Hitler.

Making it into the highest heaven, the Celestial Kingdom, is based on what you DO, not on what you believe like many born-again Christians would believe. That’s why Elder Price is so distraught over something he’s done.

On a side note, one of the main requirements is to be married, or “sealed” as it is call in a Mormon temple. Even today, Mormon men can be sealed to several women (for example if one wife dies he can be sealed to another in succession), but Mormon women can only be sealed to one man…ever. In other words, Mormons still believe in a form of Celestial Polygamy, but you’ll be hard-pressed to get a Mormon to admit this.

The Word of Wisdom – This is the Mormon health code, which is a significant distinguishing trait of Mormons. As it is now interpreted, it prohibits the intake of coffee, tea, illegal drugs, & tobacco. It is actually much deeper than that and parallels the popular “temperance movement” of the 1830’s in the USA at the time of Joseph Smith. As history records it, Emma Smith was disgusted by the use of tobacco during her husband’s “School of the Prophets” meetings in Kirtland, Ohio. She complained about having to clean up after such meetings and this “revelation” is the result. It also includes prescriptions for limiting meat intake and increasing fruits, grains and herbs in the diet, but those are no longer considered essentials to obeying this code.

The Word of Wisdom was originally offered as advice rather than as a commandment. In fact, evidence suggests that Joseph Smith himself paid little attention to its practice. Today’s Mormon, however, puts a high value on obedience to the rule (It became a requirement for entering the temple during the prohibition era) and shunning coffee and tea is now seen as significant an effort as obeying other commandments. It stands up there with “Thou shalt not kill” in a Mormon’s mind, as the play lampoons in this song.

I Believe

Doubt – Doubt is definitely not not a prized Mormon character trait. In fact, it is shameful to admit doubt. It’s rarely done publicly. An infamous apostate, Paul Toscano, was part of a group of excommunicated scholars known as the “September Six” for his public speech called, “The Sanctity of Dissent” back in the early 1990’s.

Know – Mormons rarely use the word “believe.” In Mormon lingo, this song would actually be called “I Know” for that’s how Mormons are taught from infancy to express their faith. They would say something like, “I know this is the one true church.” In fact Mormon children and youth are taught that they should say this even before they actually do “know.” It is taught that such a testimony can be gained by actually saying it first. Modern psychology/sociology will tell you the same thing… that if you can get someone to declare a tenet out loud, then that person will be highly unlikely to renege on his verbal statement even if it’s later proven untrue.

Fun fact – Everything Elder Price claims to believe in this “I Believe” song is actually a Mormon teaching. Some Mormons will deflect many of these esoteric or odd beliefs saying that it’s not part of their daily faith and not “essential to their salvation.” And that’s true in part. For example, “Kolob” is the star near where God dwells, but it is rarely discussed in meetings or lessons. Nevertheless, it was a teaching of Joseph Smith’s and it still remains the topic of a well-known Mormon Hymn. Parker and Stone got their facts straight.

Baptize Me

Baptism – This is the end goals of every missionary, to baptize. Mormons perform baptisms by immersing the convert completely in a body of water while both are clothed in white. The Elder cites the official prayer verbatim and just inserts the convert’s name. I actually found the visual of this group baptismal scene to be beautiful; it reminded me of my mission.

Sexual attraction – A LOT of missionaries fall for a young woman (and vice versa) on their missions even though dating is against the rules. One of my sisters married a missionary from Canada who served in our congregation. My first missionary companion eloped with a local girl.

I Am Africa

Adopting a new home – Most Mormon missionaries come home with an affection for the people and for location in which they served a mission. I did.

Joseph Smith American Moses

The pay-off – If you paid attention to the missionaries’ telling of the Mormon founding story in All American Prophet and Elder Cunningham’s later adaptation in Making Things Up Again this song is the reward. Not only is it hilarious in and of itself, but the audience is treated to the more conservative and somber reaction of the Mission President as he watches the song unfold.

Mission Presidency – Every Mormon organization is led by a leader and his two counselors, even a mission as you see here. Some of these mission presidents are tight, sour-pussed authority figures. Others are a bit more laid back.

Tomorrow Is a Latter Day

Latter Days -To a Mormon this means the end of times, the period just preceding the second coming of Jesus Christ. Mormons believe that that time is close and that they are the last true believers, or “saints” who are preparing earth for His return by “preaching the gospel” one last time.

Conclusion – I’ve read all sorts of explanations of this finale and what conclusions can be drawn from this song and the entire play. Draw you own conclusions and come back and tell me about them.

Miscellaneous

Grooming – Missionaries are required to keep their hair short without sideburns, and wear a white shirt and tie. Elder Cunningham’s hair is far too long to be acceptable. A mission leader would make him cut his hair.

“Praise Christ” – Mormons don’t really say this or anything like it. They certainly have their own lingo, but this sort of interjection isn’t part of it.

Titles – Mormons do call each other “Brother” and “Sister”. Historically this was done as a more intimate moniker and it was used before the person’s first name as in “Brother Joseph” and “Sister Emma”. It has since evolved into a more formal indication of respect and the last name is now used, as in “Brother Smith” and “Sister Young”. Mormon leaders are ALWAYS addressed by their title whether it be “President”, “Bishop” or “Elder.” We were chewed out by my mission president if we failed to show such respect. Among equals, it’s OK to just use first names. Once I got married, I could then address other adults by their first names rather than using the title before their last name.

Missionary apartment – There are some fun details here. Every missionary apartment has a baptismal chart like the one on the back wall. It lists how many people they are teaching and how many they have baptized. My mission was very focused on numbers and statistics in this way just like any sales force. Notice also the pictures of Jesus AND the pictures of the Mormon leaders in Salt Lake City just as prominently displayed.

The Music – Much of the music is a parody of American musicals in general. You’ll hear faint nods to Roger and Hammerstein, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Disney and many more. This is the genius of Robert Lopez.