Dear Duff

During a recent trip to Australia I called the Prime Minister a one-eyed Scottish idiot and I'm worried by what I might do next.

You see I have an invitation to a garden party at Buckingham Palace this coming summer and I am to be introduced to Her Majesty the Queen in person.

I'm afraid that I might blurt out some awful gaffe and then there will be a frightful hoo-hah.

Can you please advise what I can possibly do to avert this potential disaster?

Jeremy ClarksonOxfordshire.

Duff Replies:

Dear Jeremy,

You naughty boy you! You really must put your brain in gear before engaging your gob-hole or you could end up in the Tower.

If you want a role model then look no further than the Queen's own husband, Phil the Greek. There's a man who knows the value of biting his tongue no matter what the provocation.

Before your meeting with The Queen you might consider practicing this phrase. "Oh your Majesty, what an honour to meet you and what a charming hat and frock". On no account must you let your mind go blank or that's when the trouble could start