A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

It's overnight week! Finally we can find out who the real father is! I think for the After the Final Rose episode in two weeks, they should bring in a special guest: Maury Povich.

Hey, look, I don't know if the whole pregnancy thing is legit or not. It was on the cover of one disreputable (I'm guessing) magazine and I haven't seen it mentioned anywhere else. But I'm going with it! It's too good to pass up! Especially because (if you haven't heard) the alleged father is not the one she ultimately chose.

Andi, Chris, Nick and Josh were in the Dominican Republic. Andi gave us the lowdown on each of the final three. Josh is funny, endearing, self-deprecating and she feels she can be her complete self around him, with all the brattiness and divaness that goes with it. That's a big thing, I'm sure, for Andi. I only know the version of her we've seen throughout two seasons but I'm sure that "brattiness" and "divaness" are rather charitable interpretations of her id.

And then there's Maude. Er, I mean Nick. The two have "mental connections." He excites her. He's sweet, affectionate, smart, serious. "He just gets me," she says. He's passionate. "When he kisses, he kisses," she says. She can see growing old with him.

So there you have it. The three challengers. Who will take the crown?

The first date went to Nick, who I believe is the man she'll choose. She wanted to get him first in the fantasy suite, fool around with him to let him think he's the father of Josh's baby. She didn't want a life of going to her brother-in-law's football games every Sunday but thought Josh provides better genes for her offspring. Makes total sense.

What season would be complete without a helicopter. So off they fly to a beach on a private island. "It's frickin' insane," Andi said. On the beach, it looked like there was padding sticking out of Andi's bikini bra. Nick should have shoved a coconut into his trunks.

Andi wanted to get to the heart of Nick's previous breakups. His family told her that he was pretty devastated but he had never mentioned it. And why should he? But he came clean. He told her he was a mess for about six months after one girl dumped him in his 20s. Did Andi need to know this because she was planning to break his heart? If she thinks he's the one, this is irrelevant information.

His goal on this date was to finally tell Andi he loved her. But when the opportunity presented itself, he rambled. He had one more chance, though, that night. He took the coward's way out, but in an inventive way. He had spent the week writing and illustrating a fairy tale. Kudos for not writing a poem, but still, a fairy tale? It told the story of a princess (Andi) in a magical kingdom searching for her prince. Seeing him read made Andi think of him as a father reading to their kids. Seeing him read made me think of him as a kid.

The story was incomplete, though. It got as far as the magical fantasy suite. At this point, Andi whipped out the card. Nick opened it and – behold! – a key to the royal chastity belt! Nick was "beyond excited."

Now was his time to tell her those three magic words. He failed on his first attempt: "I love... what I know about you" Cop-out. Then he failed on his second attempt, listing off a long series of "I love that..."s. But using the L-word so often warmed him up enough to utter, "I love you, Andi." Whew! Although he could easily have said it in the privacy of the fantasy suite and saved himself any embarrassment from public declarations of love. But he was on a roll: "You're it for me. When you know, you know." See, they're made for each other. That line reminded me of her "When he kisses, he kisses" line.

Nick completely let his guard down and the old cocky Nick returned: "There's no way it's not us."

The next date was with Josh in Santo Domingo. He knew what this date represented so he haggled on the street with a vendor of aphrodisiacs.

Andi seemed distant. Then again, she had just gone the distance with Nick the night before. (Was it the night before or do they give her a day to recover?) They watched some kids playing baseball on a dirt lot and joined in. Andi thought he was "awesome" with the kids, and kids in general. Somebody's clock is ticking. No wonder she was so eager to get knocked up.

After the game he asked her how she liked his family. "They were good!" she faked, damning with faint praise.

Josh had the line of the night when, in talking about his love for her, he said, "I've never said that to somebody before that I've really meant it." She beamed without fully understanding that he was admitting he tells women what they want to hear. No wonder he was so afraid of the lie detector test!

They kissed, but the kisses seemed passionless. Not to Josh, though. He said he was "through the roof."

At night they talked about what kinds of parents they'd be. (Turns out they'd both be great.)

Andi admitted that "I can be difficult." Uh, you think?! Josh didn't blink. He said, "You've already been difficult." Oh, if only he knew the full extent of her difficultness.

Andi described him as "always so happy-go-lucky" and this was a bit of a concern for her. But I think she's seeing what she wants to see. He certainly wasn't happy-go-lucky about the lie detector test. And I doubt he'd be happy-go-lucky about her not wanting to traipse around following his brother to football games.

It just looked like her mind was elsewhere through the whole date. And that elsewhere was back in the fantasy suite with Nick. But she seemed to warm up a bit at the prospect of shagging Josh. The fantasy suite beckoned. I wonder if Josh (and Nick, too) learned a lesson from Andi's complaint about Juan Pablo in the fantasy suite and made sure to ask a few token questions about her before they got it on.

And last but certainly least was the date with Chris. He's been a stand-up guy who I've never seen with Andi. I just didn't get the connection. He doesn't seem her type at all. Nailed it.

The two become gauchos, riding horseback. First Andi makes it seem like it was all her idea, then admits that she's always been skittish around horses. She spends the ride through the countryside in near-panic mode as her steed keeps trotting instead of plodding. Been there, done that. I once spent a week on a cattle drive and was given a horse with a mind of its own. I demanded a new one the next day and was relieved to get one on downers who loped along at the back of the pack. Just my speed.

Chris tries his best to be confidently flirty but fails with, "Did I ever tell you you look really hot on a horse?" accompanied by a nervous laugh. You mean all those times you didn't see her on a horse? Why no, you didn't.

Andi revealed that she didn't know if she was confident spending the night with him. Couple thoughts on this: 1. Why not? Don't they just talk and spend time away from the cameras and microphones? 2. We've known this all along, so why string the poor sod on and invite him to the fantasy suite week? Surely the "hot" Marcuszzz would have been worthy of a roll in the hay before sending him home.

She rambled on about his family and it was clear where this was headed. To Avoidancetown. Chris admitted that he and his family play Ghost in the Graveyard (aka Hide & Go Seek) often. Often! His farm is so big some people play Hide & Go Sleep! (Credit: That's a Brent Butt punchline describing his favourite game as a lazy child.) Subtext: This is the type of non-stop fun you can expect as the wife of a farmer.

Chris told us the fantasy suite would be "huge" for him. Foreshadowing! It was not to be. Andi made sure she manufactured an excuse to derail the Love Train. When Chris said, "I say I'm falling in love with you but I really am in love with you," she starts bawling. "I can't feel what you're feeling," she said. "I don't see the foundation with us." And that became the catchphrase of the night. Then she used the old "respect" line as a way to get him the hell away from her as quick as possible.

Seriously, how does having respect for someone necessitate sending them home from the date instead of going through the rose ceremony. Surely it's more embarrassing to have to hail a horse on the side of a country road and gallop off to the airport, isn't it? If you make it to the rose ceremony, you can always fool yourself that you were really close.

Besides that, what does it say to all the others she didn't select at various rose ceremonies throughout the season? That she doesn't respect them?

She told Chris that it's "not fair" to make him wait for the rose ceremony and enjoy a couple more days in the Dominican Republic. Come on, Andi, after all you put him through, you owed Chris a romp in the sack! Or at least an all-night cuddle.

When she told him she felt like an idiot for what she's doing, he asked why. She responded that he's great, smart, has an awesome family, etc. He had a great point when he asked her, "Why do you question your feelings?" She could have replied, "Because those aren't my real feelings, dummy! I'm just making things easier for you, so shut up and nod pensively!" Instead she said, "My head and heart don't match up." That's all he needed to hear. "I should probably go," he said. Andi wasted no time: "I'll walk you out." Even though they were already out.

At least he doesn't have to worry about being the father of Andi's love child.

He said he didn't see it coming. "It hurts," he said. He's a sympathetic character but I can't see him being the next Bachelor because I don't think the producers could find 25 fame-whores who'd want to give it all up to live on a farm in northern Iowa. And if they could, they're probably not the chichi types the network is looking for.

The next day, Andi seemed pretty chipper. She described the last date as "a little bump in the road with Chris." Gee, thanks, he must have been thinking.

In describing her time with Nick, he heart overtook her memory because she said Nick said, "I've got something to tell you." Then she said, "He just looks me in the eye and says, 'I love you.'" Just like that, was it? I recall a lot of dancing around the subject before he could bring himself to say it, but then again, my head and heart don't match up, either.

Even though Nick and Josh are the only ones left, Andi thought it was important to have the rose ceremony anyway because accepting a rose is equally as important as giving it out. You know, because in the history of this show, zero people have turned down a rose.

At the ceremony, she told the last two that she sent Chris home "before the fantasy suite." She had to throw that in because she needed them to know she's not promiscuous. Two men in two nights is her absolute limit.

She gave the first rose to Nick and her face lit up into a big smile. With Josh, she gave him a sly smile. What to make of those expressions? I still think Nick is the one she'll choose, but I've been wrong before.

Josh thinks it'll be him, though, naturally. "She's going to be Andi Murray," he said, rather presumptively. "It's got a nice ring to it." I think he was thinking of the tennis player.

Two more weeks till we find out. Next week is the Men Tell All episode, otherwise known as the Try To Figure Out Who Most of These Guys Are Again episode.

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