I just looked at the date of my last post and I realized it’s been a while since I’ve added a new post. After all that hoopla about a new beginnings yada yada yada….i dropped the ball; but, not really. Since the New Year, I have made some positive steps toward changing things in my life…regaining some of who I used to be and trying so hard to get back to running (consistently). I think, in the New Year, I was intending it all to go a little faster…you know all the garbage about getting back to doing the things I love…but I guess evolution takes time.

So what has inspired me lately??? I guess it’s been a series of things but honestly, one of the biggest and most positive changes I have made was running without music. I know, right??? Sounds nuts…like how could something so innocuous have such a huge impact right?? Especially for me…someone who can’t function in a car without having the radio blaring…

Funny side note story…I was driving to work the other day and it was such a beautiful day, I had the sun roof open and I was BLARING my radio. I was listing to all my gansta rap (cuz you know I’m such an OG), and as I pulled into the parking garage, found my spot and started to back into the spot, I looked up and saw the parking attendant dancing to my song but motioning to me to turn my f’n radio down. Hilarious! At least I thought it was….

But anyway back to my no music while running thing…it turns out, that listening to music kept me for the main reason why I run in the first place. Running, for me, is the one time when I really get to focus on things I’m dealing with and sort through them to make sense of it all. When I started listen to music and tracking my times and mileage, I started to get away from the therapeutic reason for running and was focusing too much on my type A tendency to be a competitive ahole. The minute I turned off the music, I started to regain my perspective on what next…I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and though I don’t have a complete picture on what’s next 5, 10, 15 years down the road…I do know what’s next for now…

On that note, I had a FANTASIC run yesterday. The day could not have been more perfect. Washington spring mornings can only be compared to Washington fall mornings. Check out some of the pics….

It’s time to welcome in the New Year, set new goals, make new resolutions, and wipe the slate clean. I’m actually pretty stoked about the New Year. 2012 was shitty…there’s no sugar coat’n that one. I fell so far behind in my training because of work and stuff with the baby bears 1 – 4; you know the usual, daughter getting married, daughter off to college and turning a milestone age. Also, 2012 sucked colossally because it seemed like everyone around me was either getting really sick (like cancer) or died. I felt like I spent the entire year walking through a minefield trying to console those around me while at the same time trying to take cover. I felt I had a successful year just getting by treading water.
But, 2012 is done…it’s in the books and I have nothing to do with any longer.

On to 2013 and so far so good!!!! Since December 27, I have run 6 times, burned well over 3,000 calories, and coved just over 20 miles. I haven’t had a drink since New Year’s (and only had 2 glasses of wine then), and I have lost 2 lbs since New Year’s DAY! I am on frigg’n FIRE! *sniff sniff* what’s that smell? Well, that would be the smoke you’re smell’n from me being so frigg’n on FIRE!!!

I so love New Year’s. I know there are many of you out there that just view it as another day but I honestly believe it’s so much more than that. I think it’s a day that allows us to restart. It’s a do over that happens once and year enabling us to wipe the slate clean…and if we really want to..it’s a good time to reinvent ourselves. I kinda cringe when I use the word “reinvent” cuz it conjures up some goofy image of 1970’s hippies trying to “reinvent” the middle class. Ugh! Whatever.

No, my idea to reinvent is more a product of me wanting to recapture some of the things from who I once was and not really changing who I am…I guess I want to change who I have become… slightly. Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of who I have become at a base level…I’m stronger, more confident, and much more mature than I was but somewhere along the way of divorce and children and trying to develop a career, I kinda forgot the person I was…

Well, thanks to the “2013 Do Over”, I am going to remember! I spent the past several days really thinking about what it means to be me..what are the things that make me happy and what are the things that I’ve picked up and that have stuck with and that have help shape who I am. Initially, there was an exhaustive list of things that I indexed in my musing but the list all could be summed up to 5 things and here they are in no particular order:

Music/literature
My family
Running
Being outside
Being creative whether it be baking, decorating, planning a party, or even writing this blog

I could go on for DAYS about the first two things on that list, but I’ll spare you, for now.

If you’re still with me at this point, I’m SURE you’re asking yourself…”what the f does this have to do with running?” Well, maybe it doesn’t. I think I just wanted to share my enthusiasm for the positive changes I’m trying to make. And, I’m gonna start trying to figure out a way that I can fold those 5 things into this blog..so there’s the tie back.

Welp…it’s time for me to close down and go get my running clogies on and sneak in a run before BB4’s Christmas Pageant (you know..for the feast of The Epiphany). GAWD I love the New Year!!!

I went for a Sunday afternoon run with Baby Bear 3 (BB3) yesterday. I was all kinds of stoked when she agreed to run with me; she never used to be into running so it was nice to have her join me and it was equally nice to have a running partner that’s older than 9. Don’t bet me wrong…I love running with BB4 but it’s a complete different experience when you’re stopping and going every five minutes and you’re listening to the trials and tribulations of life on the playground in 3rd grade. As I have mentioned in previous postings, I was not a fan of elementary school myself. I get hives just thinking about it and when I have to relive the childhood social anxiety through the eyes of one of my bears…well, sometimes it’s more than I can deal with while I’m trying to get a run in.

But anyway, BB3 and I headed out onto the Mount Vernon Trail and the plan was to run into the city from Gravely Point, go around the Tidal basin and head back. In the planning phase of this run, errythign was perfect but the execution was a little off.

Just to give you some background, BB3 is pretty new to tail running. So that, added to the fact that she’s very rarely aware of her surrounding and is pretty clueless when it comes to any kind of etiquette (such as, you don’t run so far ahead of your running partner that you lose communications with them) makes for the perfect setting for some sort of “issue” on a trail.
Without any further explanation, at about mile 1 of the 4 mile run, BB3 is running past the turn off on the trail where I wanted to go. She was about 100 meters ahead of me beebop’n to her ipod, in her own little world when for some reason, she decided to turn around to see where I was. I motioned to her to stop running but just as I did, I saw a biker coming up from behind her and tried to motion to her to get off the trail. Well, I’m sure you figured out already, she didn’t step off the trail but instead stepped into the middle of it and at this point the biker (who was going too fast) had to come to a complete stop to keep from hitting her.

Okay, time for another aside. Yes, BB3 was in the wrong. She was being clueless and not paying attention to her surroundings but everything other than that was on the DB biker and what led to a MAJOR altercation on the path from that point forward. It is no secret that I HATE bikers. I could spend hours going on about how much I hate them…in fact, I think I have in one of my previous postings so I will keep it short here, BUT the bottom-line is they take waaaaay too many chances, go too fast around pedestrians, act like every time they are out riding they are competing in the Tour de France and they take themselves way too seriously and I’m not sure how they could considering how ridiculous they look in their full regalia. UGH!

But I digress, so this douche turns and says to my daughter, AFTER she apologizes for her faux pas,

“Why don’t you take those F’n earphones out and pay f’n attention.”

Well, you’ve heard of that expression, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?” Not that I’m proud of it in any way but BB3 has about as much patience and understanding for DBs as I do so she started in on this guy and by the time I got to the two of them they were in face to face verbal combat and being the ma’ma bear that I am, I immediately engaged in the combat myself. Things got really ugly…words that should never be said out loud were exchanged with vigor but eventually the DB got back on his bike and rode away leaving me and BB3 with all this anger to get rid of…and feeling kind of foolish.

Looking back on the whole thing, I’m feeling a little foolish for letting that tool get to me as much as he did, but the thing that is really resonating with me and what has put such a bee in my bonnet is how this person felt that not only did he have the right to talk the way that he did to my daughter, he felt justified in the way he carried on. It was like I was in 3rd grade on that playground all over again. All the rules and social order of adulthood were thrown out! “This is not nam there are rules.” I just don’t understand why people have to take themselves so seriously..and why when doing something fun and healthy do they have to make it such a competition?

Oh well, I can only control my own actions and in 2013 I’m going to work on not letting assholes get to me…especially when I’m running. And I am personally going to make it a goal to keep the peace on the tails and make sure everyone I run with understands the unspoken rules of trail etiquette. Cuz you know “this injustice will not stand, man.”
The rest of the run was fun..and got some cool pics of the monuments around the basin.

I actually found that on a website after doing a Google search on motivation. I know, I’m totally lame and dorky but dudes, I am in a major slump and I’m trying like hell to find a way out of it. I thought I might get some inspiration from the interweb but to no avail.

I did manage to get out and run with the group last night. It was cold and windy but I did it. I was a little pissed when I showed up and my coach immediately says “What are YOU doing here?” RUDE!

We did 1000 meter repeats last night…they were pretty tough cuz we had to sprint the last 200. I was huff’n and puff’n like the fat out-of -shape old lady that I am. BUT, on the bright side, I discovered this app called RunKeeper. Greatest thing since the discovery of Penicillin!!! Dudes, this app uses GPS to track your running route and keeps a running history that you can upload into the site so you can track your progress over time! It gives you all the pertinent information about your run and if you’ve reached a personal best it sends you a little congratulatory email. How awesome is that????? And, as if that wasn’t awesome enough, you can download training programs for all kinds of races and the program automatically creates a training calendar for you telling you how far and how fast you have to run each and every day!!! AND! The best part is…it’s FREE! You gotta check it out http://www.runkeeper.com

So I guess my one thing done is running when I didn’t want to and the added bonus was my email from RunKeeper telling me how BOSS I am. Whoot!

Okay..yeah; so I’ve dropped the ball on this blog thing again. It wasn’t even on my radar until I got two new followers. Whoot, that seemed to be incentive enough to get me writing again. The thing is, well actually, the things are…one, I HAVE been running so, I haven’t completely dropped the ball but two, I got to thinking about this blog and I started to realize that my commitment to writing has a direct correlation with my commitment to running. I know, right? What a miraculous discovery. I’m a gawddamed genius..but seriously, like why is that? Maybe I’m in my head too much but like why can’t I be one of those militant runners who puts their whole heart and soul into running? Or, at least why can’t I just show up more than once a week? I just don’t get it. It’s like I can never be “all in” with anything I do. Yeah, yeah..I’ve got a crazy ass schedule…got a lot of commitments and responsibilities, but so do most people and they seem to be able to stick to it. And by “it,” I mean anything that requires some sort of commitment or dedication.

My coach always gives me an earful when I’ve fallen off the wagon and his rant always ends in…”you know running is all about what you put into it.” YES, I know! I know, I know I know. I also know that eating a bag of potato chips chased by 6 Bass Ales is going to make me fat, but I still do it. UGH! I’m my own worst enemy. Like, as I think about this, I keep thinking about this kid I know (no names to protect the lazy) who once said in response to being asked “why don’t you just do your homework?” And, he said, “cuz if I just don’t do it and get a bad grade, I can blame my bad grade on not doing it..but if I do it and still get a bad grade..then maybe the reason for the bad grade is because I’m stupid. “ Hmmmmm, something to think about.

Since my last blog entry, I got wicked sick. I couldn’t run any of the longer races that I was signed up for but I did run two 5ks. I got TERRIBLE times…I think the worst in my whole 25 years of running. So, my fear of being “stupid” has been realized. Good news now, there’s only one way to go from here. I’m in the lottery for the Cherry Blossom 10 Miler and I’m toying with the idea of running the DC Marathon with a friend of mine who just moved back to the area. The nice thing about reaching rock bottom is the fear of reaching rock bottom is no longer there. My new motto is to be more like the “Dude” not only with running but with my life in general. If you don’t get the “Dude” reference…it’s alluding to the movie,The Big Lebowski. Check it out! Well worth the watch.

I made the commitment…I’m all signed up for the Richmond ½. This is gonna be my first race in 2012 (excluding the Love the Run Your With 5K on Valentine’s Day). Normally, by this time in the year I would have run at least a ½ dozen races two of which would have been ½ marathons. This year has been such a bust as far as running is concerned that’s why I’m a little nervous about running this race. But what’s the worst that can happen? I’ll tell ya what would be the worst….coming in DEAD LAST. I know there always has to be someone who is first and likewise there always has to be someone that is last, but hot damn it! I don’t want to be that person. That’s really one of my biggest fears of running any race. Every time I am standing on the starting line I’m filled with the anxiety of being that very last person to cross the finish line. I’m 100% sure that this anxiety comes from some traumatic event that happened back in elementary school that I have decided to block out for obvious reasons but the actually physical response caused by the anxiety, driven by that event, still exists somewhere in my sub conscience. Elementary school really is a bad time by the way. Ugh, I could spend hours talking about the mental anguish that I suffered during my formative years but that’s an entirely different blog.

So, here we go 28 days and counting. As my coach said to me on Tuesday night, “you’ve got a lot of work to do.” Thanks coach; as if I wasn’t already freaking the hell out. Well, it is what it is…I’ve got 28 days to worry or to focus my energy toward finishing this thing cuz not only do I want to NOT finish last, I want this to be a PR. Any advice from you veterans out there is welcome.

I’m sitting at my desk right now writing a blog post about running while I am skipping my running work out…somehow that just seems like an error in judgment on my part. I can sit here right now and make all kinds of excuses for why I’m not running like; I had to work late, I’m starting to feel like I’m getting sick, I ran really hard the past two nights and was worried that I might start to hurt myself but deep down inside I know they are nothing but excuses…but, I figured if I’m not going to run I can at least write about running.

So, I didn’t do the Woodrow Wilson ½ Marathon…I’m sure that goes without saying cuz if I had, you know I would have been writing all about it. No, I went to PA instead and ate and drank stuff I shouldn’t have. But, I came back home ready to get down to business. I went to my track workout on Tuesday. We were doing 800 meter repeats. The goal of the evening was to try to finish each 800 meters in the number of minutes we want to finish a marathon…so for example; if my goal marathon time was 4 hours 50 mins then I would need to finish my 800s in 4 minutes 50 seconds. Pretty cleaver, Ay? It’s funny to think that there is someone somewhere who got paid all kinds of money for coming up with that training regime….hopefully it works. So I did 7 of those repeats and I was kinda pleased with the fact that I was able to not only do it but I was also able to keep up my goal time.

Last night, I started running with a coworker who just started getting into running. She really is just starting out. I think about a month ago was the very first time she actually ran outside. I’m stoked to help someone along in becoming a runner…it’s like the first time you introduce your kids to real music…(no, Disney Music Sing-a-long does not count…neither does Karly ray whatsherface). I’m talking like when your 4 year old can tell you not only that Train in Vain was done by the Clash but it was the last track on the London Calling album and that it’s not listed on the cover. That’s what I’m talk’n bout!

But I digress ..so I started running with N (that’s what I’m calling her to protect the innocent), and found it to be kinda weird. First…it’s odd that she wants to have a running partner but she doesn’t want to talk..she wants to just listen to music. N, if you’re reading this, don’t take offense. I know we all have our own weird-ass idiosyncrasies ..i’m sure there are 10 of mine that you can rattle off the top of your head that you can’t stand so I’m not hate’n…I’m just saying it’s weird. Normally, when you run with someone you do it for the company to help keep your mind off the pain or monotony you might be feeling during the run. It just seems so foreign to me…and I’m not quite sure how to run around her…like I don’t want to come off as being that ass that runs a head of you and then runs back to you backwards “to work the quads” (you know exactly who I’m talking about) but I also want to kinda help push her beyond her comfort zone..that’s what running partners do…but the strangest most disturbing thing about the whole thing is…..I’m thinking to myself the WHOLE time while I’m running with her…”I can’t let her get in front of me!” WHAT IS THAT??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? Dude, am I’m that much of a competitive asshole???? GEEEEEZE, sometime I am such a tool! WHY???? WHY??? WHY??? Would that be such an issue for me if she did???? Who knows…I’m not gonna worry about that right now…I need to get out of here and go home.