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Dreams aren’t a ‘sin’, are they? I just want to take him with me, to see the world, to travel together.

I really wish that we could all just come together (hehe!) to travel the world together, to tell each other stories, sing songs, dance and embark upon new epic adventures into different woodlands, forests, trees.

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Wow, what a difference a good night’s sleep, your friends, family, pets and loved ones can make.

My best friend in the world came round to see me last night, as I was sat in the house, feeling so lost, hopeless and terrified.

We made a brew- a good cup of tea REALLY does sort so many things out, I mean think about it- all the herbs and flowers grown in the world, somewhere on this beautiful Earth, gathered together, chopped finely, and then served kindly through (hot!) water, into anything we can use as a teacup. Be it an actual china cup, a glass, a jar, a thimble, a can or whatever material it is, in this world, which will hold it all together for you just so you can sip. You get my point.

We had such a good chat about life, about nursing the dying, learning new techniques to ease people’s pain, to improve somebody’s quality of life, while it’s still here, because my Buddha/God/Allah/Thor/Jesus/Freya/Mother Earth/Theresa/Queen- whoever or whatever it is about this spirituality, which exists within us all, and wherever on Earth, or beyond it (and more!) might have come from- this ‘Gift is Life’.

This life, that we humans– creatures, great and small, which refers to plants and mushrooms of course, too- is just so incredibly precious. It is beautiful, that all our ancestors, parents, fossils, buffalo, birds, dinosaurs- ‘Higgs Boson’ quantum particles, matter, dust and sound, can all really come together for humans, to help us make sense of the world, when bad things happen within it, and when they don’t. These gorgeous ‘gifts’, these ‘principles’, or ‘mathematical equations’, paintings, songs, children… They really do help guide us through this strange and unpredictable world, with hope and with light, and wonderful, wonderful curiosity.

It truly is worth caring about, thinking about, planning about, praying and paying about. Life matters the most. We hate losing the ones we love- grief can be so strange, cruel, unpredictable and terrifying. But what really matters is what we leave behind, what we give, share, create, teach, sew, feed and/or read.

It is those memories, those precious, hidden and sometimes ‘muffled up’, or confused, misinterpreted, or called ‘inappropriate fantasies’/ ‘Chinese Whispers’/ ‘Ghost stories’/ ‘bad trips’. This strange concoction of medication we find; we eat, we dance with, we relieve pain with, and we die with. These ‘Stories’ really are worth caring about, swearing about, building about and spending about.

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Last night all I did was cry. I think I wrote a bit as well, but all I seem to have for reference at the moment is the present.

I’m trying to carry on with living. I walked Billy several times, and I have finally managed to sleep. That was a relief. Rowett finishes his night shifts tonight, I think this is finally his last night.

I went to town today, to get myself some bath bombs. There was an amazing sound happening, in Sheffield city centre, I cannot deny it soothed my soul.

They are called ‘ELDIABLO’ He literally spelled out for me, and I thought wow- I really can sometimes just be a bit of a dippy twat, can’t I?

Without the ‘scroll’ or whatever it is ‘these kids use these days’, and all that jazz- that may constitute an I Phone, (since mine is being used in evidence I am led to believe), I had to write it down with me good old fashioned pen and chuffin’ paper, in me diary, which my wonderful mum has made a gorgeous textile peacock stitch for.

Reflecting, now- I may damn well actually have to ‘get my arse in gear’ (cheers, us father!) and GET ON WITH LIVING!

I don’t know how to even move forward. Where do I even begin. Where did the year even begin?

Reality check:I do remember how it began, and I really wish that I wasn’t one of those people who takes the whole ‘start the year as you mean to go on!’, cheers, thing, so literally.

But that’s not the point. I haven’t been able to write anything on here for ages, let alone keep up to date with planting anything and/or and digging for victory. Which is a depressing reality, which for now, I can’t pretend is not the case.

Writing nothing doesn’t work- I only find myself farther and farther away from the person I want to return to- myself (believe it or not!), and having accumulated 11 drafts, but no actual published posts, over the last couple of months, I can see how it’s starting to get a bit silly, now.

I stopped writing for a while, because it suddenly dawned upon me, that maybe i’m just ‘making myself look like more of a nutcase’ (through writing about what it feels like to have a mind, like many other humans), or ‘being too political and not professional’, when it comes to the question of having to be a ‘real’ professional, behind the uniform, not just some kind of pretend one.

Each of us are personal and professional by nature. *

*The above was yesterday. It is now a new day.

My wallpaper from student days. Serves as a reminder, daily, still!

Today it is a Friday. It is pissing it down with rain in Sheffield, I am sat here, feeling ridiculous, looking ridiculous, and failing to get my bloody arse in gear again. I ought to be out there throwing flower grenades at all the young, ‘free’ and wonderful hooligans. Oh, except there don’t appear to be any, because they’re all inside, sat behind their computer screens.

Never mind, perhaps tomorrow President Donald Trump will reveal his ‘true gender’, and enlist to serve in the US Military.

One week- Just 1 more week to go, until the court date. Only seven more days of not knowing whether he will walk free or see justice, or maybe just get the help he needs so badly.

One wish-
Today I wish for the best of luck to Kev, who is a close family member to a close friend of mine. He begins Radiotherapy this week, I believe. My thoughts are, predominantly, with you and your loves, my friend.

I have a confession. I cannot stop. It isn’t what you’d expect, from a ‘Confession’, at least I don’t imagine. I cannot stop caring for the world and the people within it.

There, I said it.

I, Ellie Neves, confess to be addicted to helping people. Help, in this sense, meaning that where there is another person, creature, plant or sound wave in need of a representative, a call to action, a PQRST.

Above: (PQRST- Rhythmic squiggles) I have tried to draw for another purpose, but relevant here as ever.

Pee. Ker You. Arghhh. Esssss. Tea.
For the purpose of phonetics.

Soothe.

Again, to soothe is something which just happens to come naturally to me. By what cause? I ask even myself. Is it being a ‘female’, a ‘woman’, a ‘wanting mother’,

No; wait a second, it is human. HUman.

You can spell that out however you like it, in terms of Pro. Noun see ache tea eye O en.