Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Thanks everyone for all the supportive comments! They mean a lot to me.

Fifteen minutes until dinner (which will hopefully be edible since I am hungry), procrastinating on homework until after I eat... so here I am writing a blog post for all of you! Even though I really don't have much to talk about. My days are apparently fluctuating between good and bad. After my Sunday morning meltdown Sunday afternoon was good, Monday was good, Tuesday was just not a good day! It was stressful and emotional. I still haven't talked to him yet, and I know I need to. For me the worst thing I have realized is that even after all this, I still like him. Almost everything about him. And not just him, but who I was around him. He brought out the best in me. He made me confident and social. He made me want to excel in this industry and do better and learn more. My friends of course keep telling me that I need to learn how to bring these things out in myself. Which I know is true! It's just so hard, after not having any confidence in myself for 19 years. I have been telling myself "You suck, you can't do this, you can't do anything." For 19 years. It's like every time someone told me I could do something, or that I was good at something I seemed to shrug it off and forget that they can see what I can't in myself.

Today was a better day. I expressed the doubt I was feeling about myself being able to do well in this program to a teacher and he told me I was wrong. He told me that I could do not only this program, but that I could do the BA program as well. 'I know it,' he said. The difference this time was... I believed him. I am now considering the BA program. I need to look more into it, but I am definitely considering it! I'm finding my confidence. This has made my day. :)

Update: it's been a long time since I've participated in Wishcasting Wednesday! I found it again through a retweet. So I think I'm gonna wish. Jamie asks us How do you wish to shine?

Sunday, January 10, 2010

So this morning I was ready to publish a post titled 'FML!' I was extremely upset and confused. Why? That boy again. According to him, we weren't dating. I'm not willing to post the whole situation on my blog right now. I am considering writing it all down in story form, though. If I do, you'll all get to read it.

No, I am not upset and confused anymore. I don't exactly know how it happened, but I started looking at it from a different view. Forget the cause, focus on the effect. I made a list. A couple of lists, actually. The first one was what I learned from this whole mess. The knowledge gained from a month of complete confusion. It was written while I was still upset, so some of it may be a little off.

•I’m very submissive & timid•I am willing to give up things I enjoy in order to be with someone I care about•It pretty much kills me to hurt another person •I’m easy to read•I need friends to talk to about the emotional upsets in my life•I don’t know myself very well at all •I like being in a relationship•I need to be surrounded by outgoing people in order to be outgoing•I want to be outgoing•I want need my future partner to be outgoing•I have the ability to lose myself to another person, so I need to be careful•I need to be my own person

When I realized that I had almost lost my own identity because I got so wrapped up in him, it scared me. I knew I needed to define myself. So I wrote this list.

•I’m a small town girl. Fuck cities. Fuck big. •I’m Pagan. I’m spiritual. I need to hold this close to me in order to be ok. •I don’t like getting angry. I talk to people when I have a problem with them. If you don’t talk to me when you have a problem with me I can’t trust you. •I will not be physical without it being a real relationship. My heart can’t handle that.•Give me nature or give me death.•I couldn’t handle working in a big resort. I don’t want to work at a big restaurant. I don’t dig fancy. •I’m willing to try new things. I want to learn. Teach me. •My family and friends have been the most important things in my life for a long time. I don’t plan on being very far away from them. Home is extremely important to me.•My happiest moments in life have been those of self-discovery and making others happy. •I am on a path of constant self-discovery.

"Life is too short to wake up with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason, and if you get a second chance, grab it with both hands; if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." -Unknown