A GOP Consultant was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land. The GOP Consultant jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn't open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, “I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either!"

Why did the GOP Consultant plant nickels in his garden? He wanted to raise some hard cash.

Why are GOP Consultant s not allows to use rectal thermometers? They’ll cause brain damage when the Consultant tries sticking it in his ear.

Why did the GOP Consultant throw his guitar away? Because it had a hole in the middle.

Why did the GOP Consultant drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff? He wanted to try out his new air brakes.

Why did the GOP Consultant have his sundial floodlit? So he could tell the time at night.

What has eight legs and an IQ of forty? Four GOP Consultants watching a baseball game.

Why are GOP Consultants given only a half hour for lunch? So we don’t want to have to retrain them.

Why can’t the GOP field an ice hockey team? The players all drowned in spring training.

Why did the GOP Consultant salute the box of Cornflakes in the supermarket? Because the label said General Foods.

What do GOP Consultants do at Halloween? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.

How did Obama win the election? He walked into the White House backwards, and his GOP Consultants told Romney that Obama was leaving. Romney believed them.

I didn't realize that so many GOP consultants were Polish. OK, here's one.

Q. How many GOP consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

A. We'll never know. They get paid regardless of the outcome, so there's always a large tight crowd around the light bulb; they don't allow any competent person to get through, and in the end the light bulb never gets changed.

A GOP Consultant and his wife are sleeping when the neighbor’s dog starts barks and wakes them up. The GOP Consultant sighs, shakes his fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!' He runs out of the house and five minutes later he comes back with a smile on his face. The wife asks 'So, what did you do?' The GOP Consultant says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor’s dog barking all night.

Three GOP consultants decided to go to Disneyland. On the freeway, they saw a large sign, "Disneyland Ahead." Driving on, they soon saw another sign, "Disneyland Left." So they turned around and went home.

A GOP consultant comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. He pulls out a gun and puts it to his own head. When his wife and her lover start laughing, he snarls, "Laugh if you want, but you're next."

Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia

CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes

ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers

When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was

CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry

Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'

BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.

DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'

Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago

Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same

Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote

The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patriotic as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush

Venezuela solves starvation problem by making it mandatory to buy food

China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"

Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'

Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%

America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith

Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine

Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET

Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths

Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'

Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State

President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise