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May 6, 2011

Leaving Las Vegas, for good.

In the past week I stopped breastfeeding, for good. I left the kids the longest they've ever been away from both me and Jeff- for three whole nights! and four long days!- and I lived to tell about it. And so did they. I am directing/producing a one-night show that debuts tomorrow.

No wonder I am up at two in the morning with a body like jelly.

The only thing I know for sure is what I'm wearing for Listen To Your Mother. Nothing else is sticking right now and that's ok. This must be survival mode. Maybe we can all talk when it's over and this will all make so much more sense.

A quick run-down of my thoughts on Vegas? I never gambled once, not even a slot machine! I just never got the itch. I kinda wish I'd played roulette one time, you know, with my good luck lately. The food was amazing. See also: we never ate at a single buffet. Cigarette smoke. Weird coughing guy in the room next to us. (Probably from all the cigarettes.) Hotels are like university campuses there. Go visit them all. Especially the Cosmopolitan. Especially if you like Mad Men. Especially if you like smoke-free. Real Paris is a gazillion times better than Las Vegas Paris but any Paris is better than no Paris. Short skirts. I did not conform, but I did show my legs knee-down one day with no leggings. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

With the close of nursing Ivy- a whole two years and eight months- I realize she has moved on much faster than I can catch up. She is Big Girl Now, and as I type I am having my first real cry about it. Just like that, anything baby about her is gone gone gone and all those photos? Memories? Don't feel like enough. This door closes on more than breastfeeding. It's babies. And I've heard a big slam. For good. And I can't stop crying.

:( I guess I won't truly shut the door on babies until I am no longer able to have them. I mean, we think we are done having kids, but we don't take any permanent measures and consider ourselves always open to the possibility. So it is kind of a weird place to be, as my baby turned one yesterday and I'm not sure if he is the last.

I'm glad you had a good time. I find it funny that the hotel that reminds you of Mad Men had no smoke!

Show us what you wear to your show! I'm sure the whole evening will be beautiful.

I packed up my newborn stuff for the very last time and there was quite a bit of ugly crying. See, look? I got teary just typing very.last.time. It seems so...so...final. And sometimes I'm ok with that. And sometimes I am not.

It's one of those bittersweet Motherhood moments; I want them to grow and develop into happy healthy toddlers, adolescents, adults... but then again I sometimes wish they could just stay babes forever :)Also, AWESOME job BF'ing for 2 years and 8 months!!! Fantastic, mama.

Good luck on the show. Reading about being done with babies makes me tingle....I just miscarried our 4th and it makes me worried that maybe we are done with babies. I didn't go through my third one thinking this was it. Lots of unknowns ahead. I totally understand the tears.

I'm not to that point yet (with the door closed on babies) but even thinking about it as a *future* reality makes me sad. Can't imagine what it's like to actually be there. But wow, how AWESOME that you bf'd for 2 yrs 8 months! Way to go, momma!

Oh sweet Stephanie. My last baby turns one tomorrow. Part of me is mourning. Part of me is excited for the future. (Corey and I are also going on a 3-night trip next week, first time away from the whole crew in years.)

Oh huge hugs. I am having a tough time letting go of the newborn things this time around. I know inside Henry is our last, but a small part of me is wishing we could have *just one more* and I would keep on wishing it with every kid. Sigh.

It's a new season. It's ok to be sad about the one leaving, but realize the ways your kids need you in each season of their lives is different, yet they are all sweet in their own way. I miss having babies too. I'm pretty sure I'll ALWAYS miss that.

I don't know what it's like to leave Las Vegas, but someday, I know I'll leave, too. And I can imagine what it feels like but not totally. I offer a huge hug and a huge prayer of peace in the voyaging on to a new city, that I'm sure will be filled with differen but lovely beauty.

i just looked at my boy-babe knowing that by summer's end, he won't be a baby anymore. i can't yet imagine weaning knowing that your family is complete. my heart goes out to you, steph. you have so much wonder to look forward to, as well, as this chapter ends.

I have tears in my eyes for you. :( I don't know when my time will come but I know it's soon. Avi's needing it for comfort and before bed but less and less throughout the day. It's good, and yet, I have those moments as well. Some nights I wake up and she somehow magically appeared in our bed and latched on for comfort. She starts the night in her big girl bed and ends up in ours almost every night. I don't remember when she gets in any more. Suddenly, she's just there.

The nights I wake up and she is asleep full length on my stomach my heart wrenches when I think of the time soon to come when she won't fit there anymore.

The baby that was will always be only left in memories....but the journey to come is so precious and special too!