Tuesday, January 31, 2012

clocks.

I look to my right and there they are: my chemotherapy pills aka the poison that will keep me nauseated, fatigued, depleted, and....alive.

Last night was my first dose for this chemo week and today was rough. REALLY rough. like-i -can't-lift-my-head-off-my-pillow-until-noon rough. and when i thought i FINALLY could, there it came. like clockwork. my daily dizzy episode. same time every single day. it lasts for an hour and then kind of goes away. i have to keep my eyes closed because the room is moving down and my eyes are moving up. this is debilitating WITHOUT chemo and all the more so with it.

(these episodes have been happening for the last two months and i have taken a number of tests to determine the cause. please be an easy fix. please be an easy fix. please be fixABLE. please.)

once that is over i have to somehow manage to make it downstairs. i SHOULD have something to eat. i KNOW i should. but the thought of food makes me sick so i suck on a cough drop just to get some calories in. as the day goes on and i get further away from last night's chemo, i can stomach 2 pieces of toast...actually 3! Go me!

usually i am generally functional the first day of chemo week and then get progressively worse as the week goes on as the chemo builds up. then it even trickles into next week. some days drinking water is painful-I can feel the drops as they make their way through my esophagus.

fifteen minutes until i take them. they taste like burnt plastic and disgusting fear. that familiar taste that warns my body that it will be put through the ringer this week. beaten up.

3 more of these cycles left and then i will have completed a year of chemotherapy. a YEAR of chemotherapy. actually you can say i will have completed more than that because before i started this "year" i did chemo every day for 6 1/2 weeks while I did radiation. So really-I did almost 14 months of chemotherapy. they'll do testing after that to determine future treatments.

I hope they don't order any more chemo after that. i REALLY hope this will be it. that May will be the end. but if they do i will take it. i will fight for my life. i will do what i need to do. i will keep that clock going. even if it means more of THIS.

1 comment:

You keep fighting for your body! I wish I could do more for you but know that I constantly pray, pray every day for healing and if not healing, strength, peace, determination, a sound mind, comfort and the list goes on! I love you and hopefully after your may cycle you won't need anything else and once the medicine leaves your system and your "computer brain" completely reboots! The road to recovery will never end but passing the rocky road to a Paved one with easy signs to follow would be nice! :)