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Oh, look! Another lesson in how to train your girlfriend-bot!

So on my commute home, I decided to play around on Twitter, where I stumbled across this gem. How to Get Your Girlfriend Into Sports.

Now, leaving aside that the obvious answer to this time-honored problem of being a sports nut partnered with someone who doesn’t enjoy the old athletic display is to just date someone who likes sports. God, men (and women) of the world, if sports are important enough that you have to condition your partner into liking them, FIND SOMEONE WHO ALREADY LIKES SPORTS. Your partner is not a puppy. Don’t train them like one. God.

Let’s address this nonsense point by point, shall we?

1) Pick The Right Sport

This is semi-valid. I’m a baseball, soccer and football fanatic. Hockey? Basketball? Yeah, I got nothin’. But you know what? My husband loves hockey and basketball. Loves. But from the day he met me, he’s dealt with the fact that if he wanted to watch the Sixers or Flyers, he was on his own.

2) Teach Her the Game

Never talk down to her, but simplify the game on TV so that anyone could relate to it.

OH YES, PLEASE MANSPLAIN THE SPORTS TO US SILLY LITTLE WIMMINS. You know how I figured out baseball? I taught myself how to understand the box scores by looking in the paper every day and figuring shit out. I didn’t have to ask my daddy, because I’m not an idiot and neither is your girlfriend.

3) Tell Her Those Inspirational/Intriguing Back Stories That Normally Bore You

Did the force of the eye-roll I just issued shake a fault line by you? Because it should have. Oh, GOD, the sacrifices you’re going through programming your partner. Really. Sainthood isn’t enough.

4) Be Patient

Never roll your eyes, lose your cool or ignore her.

You know what? That’s good advice. Take it. But if a guide to getting your girlfriend to like sports needed to give you that advice? Your relationship has bigger problems than the fact that you’re stuck watching the Final Four on your own.

5) Go to a Live Game

Actually, don’t. Give me your tickets. I’ll take her. We’ll have more fun, because I don’t give a shit if she’s more interested in the Build-A-Bear in the concourse than the game, because my ass is okay with watching the game alone. Sensing a pattern?

6) Make sure the weather is nice

The next program in this list is ‘Learn to Control the Weather From Your Couch.’ (I need that one. If it snows again this month, I’m going to find El Nino and punch it in the face.)

7) Get good seats

Get up close, feel involved, or find the fan section where everyone gets into it without going crazy.

Find me a fan section that gets into it without going crazy and I will stop complaining about this stupid article right now. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

8) Make a night or day of it

Make the game part of a larger activity. Maybe she has some friends who are tailgating beforehand. Maybe you can go out to a nice dinner beforehand or walk around the neighborhood after. Add things throughout the day that you know she’ll like.

Maybe she won’t even noticed she’s been shanghaied! If you’re EXTRA lucky, maybe she’ll get tanked at the tailgate and spend the third quarter napping.

9) Get Her Sports-Liking Female Friends To Help

Because of course, her friends are interested in helping her change what she’s been interested in for as long as she’s known them. (Here’s a tip: I bet they accepted her non-sports-loving self a long time ago, and they love her anyway.)

10) Do Something She Wants To Do

You can always resort to compromising. If she still doesn’t want to go, and you really want her company, try negotiating doing something that you don’t want to do if she’ll go with the game with you.

*stunned silence* Okay, no, what? Really? This is what it takes to do something your girlfriend really wants you to do? ASS. This is the dumbest idea ever. The only thing that’ll happen is that you’ll both be miserable, and who doesn’t just love that?

Seriously, guys and gals. Either your partner likes sports or they don’t. You’re with them for a reason, so maybe focus on those instead of trying to change the one you’re with. And Jesus please us, if it’s that important to you, find a partner who digs on your interests. Stop trying to train one that doesn’t.

As an aside, when I was looking for a picture to use with this article, this little daisy came up. Several times.

And then I gave up and just started looking for pictures of Esteban in a snuggie, because I enjoy crazy things.

I dated a guy once who didn’t get why I loved sports and bought me skirts and perfume for Christmas. I married the guy who framed the ‘How to Pitch Like Pedro Martinez’ Maxim spread for my birthday. Just sayin.

Now we need a post on guys who are dumbfounded by women who like sports. Like my neighbour across the road. Oy, EVERY TIME he’s drinking I get the “I can’t believe you know so much about hockey” line. Ugh.

Thank you from the bottom of my sports loving heart for this article. The entire list is very “Your girlfriend is an idiot and you can easily trick her into watching sports with you.” Also, if they had included another tip, I’m sure it would be 11) Buy her a cute team t-shirt in pink!

I’m assuming (and hoping) that the average female isn’t going to be like “Nope, I don’t like sports. I don’t want to watch the game with you. I don’t care. OOohhhh pink jerseys!! And pink hats!!! I can wear pink!? Oh honey, I just love sports! Let’s spend the day watching the double header and then we can watch sportscenter!” I know lots of the sports watching women folk (perhaps even those who read Ladies…) love a good pink jersey or a pink hat but I’d rather a guy assume that if I like a team and want to wear its logo, I want to wear the correct colors. Call me a purist.

Great post Maggie. As a new lover of the sports, I discovered it was just too easy to ask my sportsfanatic friend Lady Bee about game rules, etc, watch the games, or read the Ladies… for info. And Lady Bee, you’re right – the dumbfounded looks you get from both men and women about the sports loving as a girl is pretty funny.

“he’s dealt with the fact that if he wanted to watch the Sixers or Flyers, he was on his own.”

Congratz to him. And he probably wastes his time doing stuff with you that he couldn’t give a rat’s ass about too, so congratz to you also.

“OH YES, PLEASE MANSPLAIN THE SPORTS TO US SILLY LITTLE WIMMINS. You know how I figured out baseball? I taught myself how to understand the box scores by looking in the paper every day and figuring shit out. I didn’t have to ask my daddy, because I’m not an idiot and neither is your girlfriend.”

Good for you, you like basketball, so, duh, you had the incentive to figure it out. The subject in question isn’t interested in the sport, so a little help is in order, in simple terms. Same thing for an accountant trying to get average joe to understand taxes, or for a lawyer helping average joe with legal issues… etc etc etc – just common sense.

…Seriously? It’s excellent advice – use the STORIES of the PEOPLE involved, stories which she likely will be far more interested in than getting into the tactics/strategy of any given play, which she can’t even wrap her head around yet cause she doesn’t really know what going on yet.

“But if a guide to getting your girlfriend to like sports needed to give you that advice? Your relationship has bigger problems than the fact that you’re stuck watching the Final Four on your own.”

Yeah, and then perhaps this is an excellent exercise to work on that imperfect relationship. He’s trying to help couples bond over something, and maybe learn a lesson along the way.

“because my ass is okay with watching the game alone. Sensing a pattern?”

Seriously? I mean, I’d go to any NHL game alone in a heartbeat, and I have alone in the past – but it’s a lot more fun with someone else. Why not do something fun, different and exciting together as a couple? Christ, its not like a sports game takes a week.

“The next program in this list is ‘Learn to Control the Weather From Your Couch.’ (I need that one. If it snows again this month, I’m going to find El Nino and punch it in the face.)”

Yeah okay. Disregard his advice – take you’re gf to her first NFL game in an open dome on a rainy day in December. I bet she’ll buy season tickets on the spot too.

“Maybe she won’t even noticed she’s been shanghaied!”

Yeah, women NEVER EVER pull that stunt to get what they want (or at least the lift and the bag-carrier while they get what they want)

“Here’s a tip: I bet they accepted her non-sports-loving self a long time ago, and they love her anyway.”

No one says there’s no love there… Does wanting to share something you love with your significant other mean you don’t love them? Shit, I need to trow my wedding ring right down that toilet this instant, my wife must absolutely hate me. Does my friend trying to convince me to do something I’m not particularly interested in mean they’re not really my friend. Shit, there goes most of my address book too.

“*stunned silence* Okay, no, what? Really? This is what it takes to do something your girlfriend really wants you to do? ASS. This is the dumbest idea ever. The only thing that’ll happen is that you’ll both be miserable, and who doesn’t just love that?”

You’re right. Compromise = #1 destroyer of relationships.

It amazes me how countless woman’s magazines have been spewing this “get your man to be/do this/that/and-the-other-thing” for decades, yet if a guy writes the same it becomes “trick” your “stupid” girlfriend into selling her soul.

About 5 years ago my wife had about as much interest in hockey as she did in video games. None. I followed pretty much what this guy is saying, not because it was in an article, but because its almost all COMMON SENSE. Now she’s a huge Bruins fan (much to my chagrin – DONT DATE WITHIN THE DIVISION!), she leads my office pool (the guys keep accusing me of running her fantasy team) and she forces me to drive her down to beantown for every Habs game just so her and pretty much everyone else in Boston can point at my red white and bleu and have a good laugh. We’re always watching games together, and quite frankly I’m soooooo happy I tried and made the effort to try and involve her in something I love. Oh, and the compromise? A few cooking classes. And guess what – I love cooking apparently.

And the funny thing? She comes from a hockey family in a hockey town. I wonder why she never took a liking to it before? (Actually I know why, and it had mostly to do with the people around her not trying to do any of the things this dude writes about, and just pressuring and expecting her to love it/understand it right from birth.)

If you want to criticize the author, criticize him for writing something painfully obvious and regurgitated from the billion and one other “get your spouse to do x…” articles out there.