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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Alphabetical Aging

Between working with kids and pushing 40, I've noticed I'm becoming one of them --an adult. Yuck. I despise even typing that word. I know most of you will think that 40 is still on the young side, and I agree. But when you've lived by the motto "I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid" for a good portion of your life, aging can be a bit unnerving. I know getting older is inevitable, but I think being prepared for it can help ease the process. I'm not saying I'm going to give up my carefree ways or suddenly become the epitome of maturity. That's not gonna happen. I've just begun to realize that the older I get, I'm seeing things from a different perspective. I'm recognizing the aging process more readily than ever. So I decided what better way to embrace it than with some sarcastic humor for your reading pleasure. I present, "Alphabetical Aging", a.k.a, "You Know You're Getting Older When....."

A~Each and every day begins with a healthy, colon cleansing dose of Activia. Yum?
B~ You rename your Boobs "Lift" and "Separate"
C~Cookies, Cake and Candy are no longer staples in your diet.
D~Having a "few" Drinks really means a few.
E~You begin to realize that Earlyretirement is a pipe dream.
F~Fat-Free is no longer a choice, but a necessity.
G~Gravity becomes your mortal enemy.
H~ You ignore the few drinks rule, and your Hangover lasts 2 days, minimum.
I~Incontinence is no longer something you can giggle at since it now happens every time you giggle.
J~ You hear "See it wiggle, see it Jiggle!", Jello is the second thing you think of.
K~You find yourself saying "If I Knew then what I Know now..."on a regular basis.
L~Loose fit jeans become your new best friend.
M~You begin to sound More and More like your Mother every day.
N~Nap time makes a comeback.
O~Oil of Olay sends you free samples in the mail...in bulk.
P~You frequently utter "Pull up your Pants!" to random teens on the street.
Q~Doing anything Quickly could put you in traction for 2 weeks.
R~Running is something you only do if being chased.
S~Skirts and Shorts that show too much Skin are 10 to 20 years removed from your wardrobe.
T~Tums are more likely to be found in your purse or pocket than Bubble Yum.
U~Underwear are no longer a fashion statement but are simply worn for their intended purpose.
V~Vanity takes a backseat to practicality and comfort.
W~"What are We doing this Weekend?" is replaced in many conversations with friends with "What did you say?" or "What was I saying/doing?"
X~They stop asking you if there is any possibility you may be pregnant when getting an X-Ray.
Y~Your rocky relationship with gravity forces you to be measured for a new bra with a Yardstick.
Z~You begin to dread any birthday that ends in a Zero.