“It’s okay, it’s called Anger Management. We tell people it’s a comedy.”

My Siamese twin brother separated at birth Morton Salt is away on assignment this week, as he’s been hired to braid hair at a strip club. These other guys get to have all the fun while I have to sit here and do the work. One of these days I’ll get my revenge, I tell ya.

Anyway, there are some new movies out on DVD and Blu Ray this week. Would you like to know which movies they are? Here is a list of the titles:

Epic

Scary Movie V

Amour

No Place on Earth

Killing Season

No One Lives

Rapture-Palooza

Shadow Dancer

That was very exciting. Now comes the hard part – determining whether or not you should watch any of them. I’m sure the people who made them would like us to watch all of them, and then perhaps invest in the sequels. But we’re just a small group of people on the Internet with short attention spans, so if we even watch one of these, it would be a massive accomplishment.

Epic

Deep in the Appalachian Mountains, a reclusive American military veteran (Robert De Niro) and a European tourist (John Travolta) strike up an unlikely friendship. But when the tourist’s true intentions come to light, what follows is a tense battle across some of America’s most forbidding landscape proving the old adage: the purest form of war is one-on-one.

Should You Watch It? Of course you should, it’s EPIC. It’s the most brilliantly-named movie of the year, as a roomful of executives ran down a list of buzz words from 2009 and asked which one could be the name of an animated film, until one of them said, “Wait, I think my teenage niece once said the word epic. We should try that.”

Georges and Anne are in their eighties. They are cultivated, retired music teachers. Their daughter, who is also a musician, lives abroad with her family. One day, Anne has an attack. The couple’s bond of love is severely tested.

Should You Watch It? The only old couple that I care about is Lee and Morty from the Swiffer commercial.

Those two are f*cking adorable!

No Place on Earth

In October 1942, Esther Stermer, the matriarch of a Jewish family in the Ukraine, leads her family underground to hide from the pursuing Nazis – and stays nearly a year and a half. Their harrowing story of survival living in near total darkness in two cold, damp caves is one like no other ever told. It was life…like NO PLACE ON EARTH.

Should You Watch It? Is it about Mars? I’ll watch it if it’s about Mars. I love movies about Mars. I don’t think this one is about Mars, though.

Killing Season

Deep in the Appalachian Mountains, a reclusive American military veteran (Robert De Niro) and a European tourist (John Travolta) strike up an unlikely friendship. But when the tourist’s true intentions come to light, what follows is a tense battle across some of America’s most forbidding landscape proving the old adage: the purest form of war is one-on-one.

Should You Watch It? This one’s sitting at 11%/24% on Rotten Tomatoes, so you decide. How about we all watch it and then host an intervention for Robert De Niro? I’m not cool with this whole “De Niro’s just collecting paychecks, whatever” response to his rolling out deuce after deuce. I want Bobby D to make a few more gems before he retires and moves in with four 19-year old black girls. Also, Travolta as a European tourist? God, I want to watch this crap just for that.

No One Lives

A ruthless criminal gang takes a young couple hostage and goes to ground in an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere. When the captive girl is killed, the tables are unexpectedly turned. The gang finds themselves outsmarted by an urbane and seasoned killer determined to ensure that no one lives.

Should You Watch It? Um, no. And maybe next time don’t ruin the ending of your movie in the title.

Rapture-Palooza

When the Apocalypse actually happens and a billion people are raptured up to heaven, Lindsey (Kendrick) and her boyfriend Ben (Daley) are left behind in suburban Seattle. The young couple try their best to lead a normal life surrounded by talking locusts, blood rain showers, and pot-smoking wraiths. But when the Anti-Christ (Robinson) makes his home base in their neighborhood, Lindsey finds herself the object of his affection. With the help of her family, friends, and a lawn-mowing zombie neighbor, the young couple set off to stop the Anti-Christ from taking her as his bride… and just maybe, saving the world in the process.

Should You Watch It? Yes, because I forgot that this movie even came out.

Shadow Dancer

Single mother Collette McVeigh is a Republican living in Belfast with her mother and hardliner IRA brothers. When she is arrested for her part in an aborted IRA bomb plot in London, an MI5 officer (Mac) offers her a choice: lose everything and go to prison for 25 years or return to Belfast to spy on her own family. With her son’s life in her hands, Collette chooses to place her trust in Mac and return home, but when her brothers’ secret operation is ambushed, suspicions of an informant are raised and Collette finds both herself and her family in grave danger.

Should You Watch It? I accidentally watched this Shadow Dancers. It was one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.

Deep in the Appalachian Mountains, a reclusive American military veteran (Robert De Niro) and a European tourist (John Travolta) strike up an unlikely friendship. But when the tourist’s true intentions come to light, what follows is a tense battle across some of America’s most forbidding landscape proving the old adage: the purest form of war is one-on-one.

I wonder if Rapture-Palooza actually did “come out?” “Limited theatrical release” is so vague and I can’t find it on boxofficemojo. Oh well, I know it came out on VOD because…a friend…downloaded a copy. Then I forgot to watch it. I mean HE forgot to watch it.

I…er…got it “on demand” last night. It was not good. But it had a bunch of people I like so I enjoyed it anyway. Anytime you get to see Craig Robinson say a bunch of really nasty stuff to Anna Kendrick, it’s worth the 78 minutes it takes to watch it.

Yeah, I saw it last night as well. It struggles a bit landing the jokes. I do have to admit I laughed more at the gag reel with Cordry and Huebel and the other supporting actors. Robinson does a good job too, and there’s an outtake with him giving a mayoral speech about abolishing condoms that’s worth the price alone.