Thursday, September 4, 2008

What with the impending presidential election and the state of the union hanging in the balance between the jowls of two diametrically opposed candidates, let's compare their ideologies where they really count: how their wives look.

First Cindy McCain, a personal favorite for her tight drum of a face and preference for flashy colors:Pretty sure my mother wore this outfit sans popped collar and sans shell bracelet (?) when my grandparents renewed their vows in 1974. Is that a duchess satin? Girl if you're going to wear shiny banana fabrics like we want you to then at least invest in something that won't pucker on the pleat:Balenciaga inauguration outfit? A ram horn detail at the celebratory ball? The possibilities are endless.And now on to Mrs. Obama:Michelle, you are tall, your skin flawless, and a stylista dream in Thakoon, so for that Akimbo says "Bravo!"

And just because she's a presidential wife, I mean the Republican VP candidate, I mean a femme-bot, here is Sarah Palin:Politician just bought out Ann Taylor Loft! Emergency shipment to Anchorage! Fishermen need their black skirt and tan top combos! Do they even make maternity for juniors?!

who dat

All the (armed and akimbo) Single Ladies...

DollyFrom the wreckage of Lady Parton's forgotten hairsprayed wigs rose the petit and honey blond Dolly, anatomically male but emotionally an enlightened gay fashionista. A product of overzealous heteronormative familial units, Dolly flighted from rural America in a denim DKNY jacket (currently on view at the Met), moved to the West Village, and now canters daily to the AnA loft in ornate heels and Balmain. In between snacks of tap water and the occasional stick of gum, this yoga devotee (because Christy said so) ponders fashion history, personal styles of the rich and fabulous, trends in fashion editorials, and of course whatever shiny things catch her eye.

Ms.RossWhilst sabotaging the careers of any pretenders to her throne of super-cunty divadom, Ms. Ross managed to pick up an American Vogue (this was ages before it's disappointing homogenization, natch) and was inspired by the colorful and intoxicating images therein. Before you can say "I'm Coming Out," Ms. Ross secured an internship in the hallowed, cashmere walls of the mag and her career in fashion began in earnest. Now a self-styled fashionista, Ms. Ross can be found stomping down the runways of Paris and Milan, throwing tantrums for the hell of it and vomiting up lunch in the trendiest of restaurant bathrooms.Ms.StreisandA young Jewish ingenue from deep, deep, deep Brooklyn, Ms. Streisand boarded a blue tugboat clad only in an orange dress, fur hat with matching muff and booked it straight for Manhattan, where she lived the first six months fresh and free at Isaac Mizrahi's Garment District studio. Finding work as a fit, showroom, and presentation model beneath her, this lady of naught but seventeen years traded in her four-inch stilettos for the bright lights of Broadway and the broad shoulders of at least three wealthy financiers, all of whom have disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Despite protests from fans, Ms. Streisand is currently pondering moving to New Jersey to participate in the Real Housewives series.

AKIMBO MAIL!

Have a hunch to reccommend? A Tyra/Latifah sighting? Send it to the AnA loft! akimbo (dot) arms (at) gmail.com