Check On Your Nurse Friends. We Are Not Ok.

I took a survey from my employer today, and as I went through the questions I was surprised by how easily I could answer one way or another. It was a survey for how the pandemic, COVID-19 was affecting us, and as I clicked each bubble I understood even more just how much things had changed. One question that stood out to me asked if I thought about work more when at home. The fact was I had always been proud of my ability to leave work at work. I am an extremely compassionate person, but after twenty years in healthcare I had learned that to keep my sanity intact, patient care needed to stay at the bedside. It would be there waiting when I returned. But today, as I pondered the question on the survey, I realized that had changed. Everything had changed.

It had really started to hit me, the weight of it all, a few nights ago. I sat in bed the night before work and I prayed. I felt so down, and the fact was I had for weeks. There was nothing wrong going on in my life. I wasn’t financially stressed. My marriage was amazing, my children healthy and adorable. I had absolutely nothing to be upset about, yet I was. The only out of place factor I could pinpoint? COVID-19.

Years ago I had come to a place in my nursing career where I absolutely loved my job. I considered patient care to be a privilege, and even on tough days I considered it a wonderful vocation. It was a calling, and I carried the task with a smile. This past week I noticed an unwelcome feeling coming over me. It was a feeling I hadn’t experienced in many years. It was dread. I was dreading the return to the critical care bedside. How could I dread something I loved so much? I cried out to God to bring back my joy for the field.

When I sat in bed praying to feel better I realized that all this was hitting me harder than I thought. I realized that even though I thought I was doing ok, I really wasn’t. Even though I thought I could handle stress well, I don’t guess I had ever experienced stress like this.

Typically, nursing is about healing. A patient comes in sick, and we make them better. That’s not COVID-19.

And yes, I had experienced lots of death and dying. It was part of the job. So it wasn’t the people dying that got me. It was the fact that most of them seemed to be dying. The ones that were in Critical Care, anyway. The prognosis of these people was horrible, and when you have to break that to a daughter who can’t talk to her mom, or even see her, it’s depressing.

I was used to elderly and debilitated patients dying, but this was different. I was seeing people my age, younger, or just a few years older, and they were not doing well at all.

Nursing had always been a career where I had to be careful with infectious disease. I frequently encountered illnesses I could pick up and take home if I didn’t use proper protection or hygiene, but this was different. It was so new, and I watched the information available change day by day. One minute it’s airborne, the next droplet. One day the CDC says one thing, the next day, something else. The suggested PPE (personal protective equipment) changed faster than I could keep up, and it became this constantly evolving situation. I sadly knew that each time I came to work things would be different than when I left.

Do I need to shower and change clothes at work? Is it in my hair? The questions I had to ask myself. Is a Level 1 mask good enough, or is a Level 3 safer? Wait, now you’re saying it’s aerosolized and I should definitely wear googles? Why didn’t anyone tell me that yesterday?

Am I bringing bad stuff home to my children? They’re so little still. The fact that our government and healthcare system was treating the response to this unlike anything I had ever encountered only added to my thoughts. I mean, your president says everyone needs to stay home. Except you. You need to run into it head on! Unless your patient’s heart stops. Then, don’t run; put on your PPE first. It was going against everything we had ever done as lifesavers!

Everyone was watching us. People whose sole job was to make sure we were protecting ourselves properly. And while I appreciated the effort, it also made you feel pretty odd. I mean, what kind of crazy crap makes hoards of upper management and administration watch your every move? What exactly were we dealing with? The answer to that seemed to change every day!

I never felt so helpless. Everything we tried seemed to be in vain. They typically weren’t getting better. One week this was the go-to drug of choice, the next week something else, and the next week the surprising news that none of it would improve outcomes. In fact, it might make it worse.

It didn’t matter that the mask or respirator hurt my face, left bruises and sores, or that it left me feeling drowsy and cloudy headed after so many hours on straight. It didn’t change the fact that I was paranoid about the seal, worried that the tiny virus could somehow get through.

The stress made me become the type of person I didn’t want to be, short tempered and easily frustrated. The high acuity of the severely critical patients forced me to become the kind of nurse I didn’t want to be, hurried, harried, just struggling to keep them alive, keep my head above the water. My shift would end and I’d be sure I had missed something, which drove me crazy, but at least they had lived through my shift. They would likely die after I left. The prognosis was always poor.

Seeing the fear in their eyes, or hearing the words, “am I going to die,” remembering those words after they were gone. Holding their hand, offering comforting, muffled words, but knowing you were no adequate substitute for their loved ones.

Speaking of loved ones. We had those too, and just this week my nine year old said sadly, “Mom, I don’t want you to go to work. I’m worried you’ll get sick.”

But then I also had loved ones who had no idea. As I was leaving work today it occurred to me that not many of my family members had called to check on me. It wasn’t their fault; they didn’t know. I had not told them the toll this pandemic was having on me, and that’s when I knew I needed to. I see Facebook posts of people who don’t even think the pandemic is real, or that it’s like the flu. They have the privilege of not knowing how hard this is hitting me and my coworkers. I don’t normally try to play a pity party or seek attention, but I realized that a lot of people just didn’t know. They didn’t know that we’re not ok.

I have spoken with my coworkers and peers, and all the ones I have questioned are feeling the same pressing weight as me. They’re tired, worn thin, worried, beyond the typical stress of saving lives on a daily basis. It’s beyond skipping lunch and bathroom breaks to keep someone from dying. That’s just a regular Thursday. This, this is different. This is harder.

I don’t know the answers, and I don’t know if things will ever be the same. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do to make it better for your nursing friends. You can pray. You can send us a message, drop off some toilet paper, or even just a long-distance hug. We need so many hugs right now, and social distancing is messing that all up. The typical outlets aren’t available to decompress, or the ways we deal with stress are not allowed. Nurses have the added weight of homeschooling, when that’s not something they are used to, or a spouse out of work. We’re dealing with all the same stress and aggravation as the rest of the population, but also the additional stress of facing this monster up close and personal.

We can’t pretend it’s not happening or busy ourselves with conspiracy theories. We’re too preoccupied with telling ourselves, “it’s not your fault. You did everything you could do.”

This is all I can write right now. There’s more, so much more, but I am exhausted after a day of the above. I need to lay down so I can wake up and do it again. See, that’s the great thing about nurses. We are not ok, but you’ll still find us when you need us. We’ll be in the clinics, ER’s, and units ready to do all we can do for those who need us. We’ll worry about us later.

Brie I feel the same. We’re a “typical” respiratory unit that was changed to COVID. We get to rule out the pts. We keep them as stable as possible, nut when thwy crash we send them to the ICU. We can pretty much tell now which ones will go home and which ones won’t. The anxiety my coworkers and I feel is exactly as you described. Stay healthy and strong my friend!

I’ve been nursing for almost 35 years. Have always been able to leave work at work. I love love love my SICU job and work family
Today I am off and spent the morning crying
My son graduates college with a degree in nursing in 1 week, my second Mom/Aunt passed away a month ago, my feet ache my legs throb and my heart is the heaviest it’s been in a long time.
I appreciate your sentiments so deeply

I’m ok
We will get through this
I am strong
But need to decompress once in awhile
Life will go on 💜

yes, agree. Felt pretty numb for quite some time now. Does make most other things in my life seem quite trivial now, My first ravel assignment turned from PACU to covid-19 ICU crisis nursing. Is a killer of people and spirit. Just horrible.

Brie,bless you for what you do,and your compassion. We have been fortunate to have no cases so far in the SNF/LTC where I work. The staff is diligent and caring,but I see the stress and apprehension as this lingers on. Our residents must stay in their rooms, and they are amazing in their attitudes, but it is obviously wearing on them,too. I pray you are safe,and your family.

Brie, you are a strong person & nurse. We all get that feeling. You are not alone! No idea what to say other than you are loved and appreciated. I pray God’s healing touch for you. Love & Prayers! Hugs & more hugs! ❤️

Dear Brie,
Thank you for sharing the amazing challenges that you’re dealing with. As you share it helps to validate others, as so many feel the same. As a nurse of over 40 years, I feel and understand your pain. I pray God’s peace for you. Many hugs…🥰

This was excellently written and hit the head on the nail! I have been a nurse for 18 years and have worked in many areas, currently working in LTC/SNF and we have been lucky so far but the stress is still there with each new resident we get or each time a resident comes back! Big hugs to you and all you do!

Brie, a high school friend who has been a nurse for 30 years posted this, and what you’ve written completely jives with what my friend and former students who are frontline nurses and PAs are telling me privately.
I recently created a new set of quick guided meditations tailored to frontline healthcare workers right now, and I made them available as “gift one, get one.”
I’ve been posting everyday and reaching out wherever i can, gifting them myself to friends and former students, and the feedback has been tremendous. It’s actually helping.
But I’m dumbfounded that I’ve gotten almost no response from laypeople – even with the new gift one-get one.
Is there any way that I can spread the word among nurses themselves? Perhaps have nurses support each other via gift one-get one, or nurses can ask their family and friends to do this?
I’m at wits end, and frankly, fighting my feelings of disappointment in people. Awful for someone who has loved teaching, performing, and energy work for so long.
Please feel free to email me directly (I hope that I’ll see your response here):drcoco@lifestormcalms.com
My heart goes out to you, truly, and everyone on this thread,
Take care of yourself,
Coco

Brie, thank you for your words. You have encapsulated the maelstrom of emotions we are going through so well. I have been able to send friends a link to your post, as a cry for help, when I can’t find the words I need. ICU nurse for decades. This too shall pass.

You have put into words everything I’ve been feeling, but I feel like I can’t complain or anything, I keep this bottled up, bc I’m taking care of people who are dying alone except for me/my coworkers/heroes with them as they pass, breaks my heart, and we’re nurses, we just keep going.
Thank you for all you do, and to all heroes everywhere, bless you and God’s peace, hugs

Thank you for your eloquent words. I’m a Case Manager so I’m not nearly as frontline as you are but I’m still in house daily. I feel this so much. Thank you for being there, holding their hands, and doing your best to help them become someone I can have a discharge plan for. We’re in this together. Sending you so much love and many virtual *hugs*. 💖💖💖

Brie, while I’m not a nurse myself my daughter is. As I sit n listen to what all nurses are going through it breaks my heart . My words of praise for the strength you all must muster each day is beyond me to recognize. I can see the pain n worry on her face n in her eyes Yet I am helpless to console her. I reassure her that I am here for her n that deep down she n most of her colleagues will do whatever needs to be done. I am So in awe of your dedication. Stay strong, there are lots of moms, dads n friends who have you in their daily prayers. We just don’t know what to say! A loving mom in Maryland

Thank you for this. I can relate to so much if it, only my kids are older. My youngest is 14 but my oldest is 23 and has Leukemia. My 17 year old will be his half match stem cell donor, we start the process at MD Anderson on Monday. I had to take off work to prepare for this and to avoid risking bringing anything home from the ICU. Once the Tallaght happens I’ll go back to work.
Adding Covid to the risks of transplant is scary. Knowing I used all my time off to quarantine and prepare for my son to donate is so hard. I won’t have the days off to stay with my oldest son post transplant as planned before this dang Covid-19 heck started.

Brie, your words hit right to the heart of this crisis, and I appreciate you helping us all feel connected, vulnerable and yet strong. I’ve been a LTC nurse for 27 years and love geriatrics but this has been devastating to my population and staff in ways beyond my imagination. Praying for you and all Nurses, confident His love will sustain us!

Meet Brie

Brie is a forty-something wife and mother. When she's not loving on her hubby or playing with her three daughters, she enjoys cooking, reading, and writing down her thoughts to share with others. She loves traveling the country with her family in their fifth wheel, and all the Netflix binges in between. Read More…

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.