Margaret Thatcher is the wittiest woman in Britain

Apparently. What’s even more surprising, and surely some kind of mistake, is that the foul, arrogant and completely talentless Liam Gallagher is among the top ten wittiest men. This all comes from a digital television channel called in Britain called DaveTV, so make of it what you will.

Though Baroness Thatcher, the Iron Lady of Britain’s downfall, was the wittiest woman, she still came in at number twelve, after eleven men including Gallagher. Further proof that women just aren’t funny? Draw your own conclusions. Personally I can think of a lot of females with a sharper with that Liam Gallagher. My cat, for example. Thatcher’s witticisms include, “Being powerful is like being a lady – if you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.”

Jane Austen was the second-placed female at 15th on the list. In her novel Persuasion she described one character as “a man who had nothing but himself to recommend him”. Regardless, fifty seven per cent of those polled thought women were less witty. Then again, they also thought Liam Gallagher was witty. Perhaps this was a poll done in Bizarro World.

The rest of the list does lend itself toward that urbane and British wit that is so incisive. Incisive like a scalpel. Oscar Wilde came in first, narrowly beating Spike Milligan. Wilde had a handle on the British anyway when he said, “to disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.”

Oscar Wilde

Milligan should have had first spot in my opinion, if for no other reason than he was still quipping beyond death. By his instruction his gravestone reads, “I told you I was ill.”

Other Wilde quotes include:

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.

And that’s just the ones beginning with ‘A’.

Here’s the top ten from DaveTV:

1 Oscar Wilde – “Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast”

2 Spike Milligan – “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy”

3 Stephen Fry – “An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them”

5 Sir Winston Churchill – “A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.”

6 Paul Merton – “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. If they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”

7 Noel Coward – “People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what’s wrong with it.”

8 William Shakespeare – “Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything.”

9 Brian Clough – “The River Trent is lovely, I know because I have walked on it for 18 years.”

10 Liam Gallagher – “She [Victoria Beckham] cannot even chew gum and walk in a straight line at the same time, let alone write a book.”