Tell Me Something Good

If you’re like me – still in a food coma from Thanksgiving – you’ll forgive me for taking a pass on writing today. Truth is, I’ve got errands to run and appointments to keep, all while greeting the official return of fall (weather wise) in Ontario.Photo: Tom Szczerbowski / Getty Images

So, let’s play a game. Tell me something good! I want to know your good news today. I’ll begin: the Toronto Blue Jays are going to the American League Championship Series! If you stayed up on Sunday to watch 10 nail-biting innings of baseball, you weren’t alone: over 4,000,000 Canadians tuned in to watch the game. And now, we’ve got a few days to catch our breath before they move on to face the Cleveland Indians. You know what I’ll be doing this weekend!

Hey hey, it’s the continuation of my “Tell Me Something Good” series, aimed at providing tips and techniques to help improve your communication skills. (And it only took about 5 months in between lessons! Yikes.)

Lesson One was to Speak with a Smile in Your Voice; a small change which yields great results… and something everyone is capable of. Lesson Two focused on one of the most frequent exchanges in communication – Asking.

Today I’ll like to teach you a thing or two about flirting. That’s right; good old fashioned eyelash-batting, sidelong glancing, giggling-like-a-schoolgirl flirting. What does flirting have to do with communication? Everything.Now before you go all shy on me and say, “I can’t flirt!”… of course you can. Are you married? Have a boyfriend? Ever been on a date? If you answered yes to even one of these questions, YOU CAN FLIRT. I know so because it takes flirting to put a ring on it, put a bed under it, etc. etc.

But why should you incorporate flirting into your daily communication? Technically, it’s not really flirting you’re after, but rather the little tricks and techniques that come together to successfully “reel in your catch”. And for the purpose of this article, your “catch” can be anyone from the UPS dude to a potential employer; a little g-rated flattery can (and should) be applied generously and often, to both women and men alike.

(Flirt with a woman? An employer? YES! Flirting doesn’t always have a sexual or provocative undertone… a large component of being a flirt is simply engaging people in a charismatic way.)

Whenever I meet someone new, I like to flirt my way through my 5(+) C’s:

1. Confidence. Your level of self-esteem and confidence are highly in your control. I’ve never liked hearing the phrase “he/she shattered my confidence” because truly, you – and you alone – have the power to make or break your stride. Confidence is an attractive trait that people are inherently drawn to; in terms of communication (or “flirting”) it shows that you are proud of who you are and what you have to offer. Stand up straight, look people in the eye and have the courage to tell yourself that you’re a Pretty Big Deal (PBD). Just don’t confuse confidence with arrogance – it is possible to love yourself without being overly proud or insincere (see: Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino).

2. Charm. Paging Captain Obvious; you can’t be a good flirt if you’re not charming. And why not charm people? It takes so little effort to smile, pay attention and show that you’re interested. Charismatic, captivating people have open and inviting body language – they make eye contact; lightly touch people’s hand or arm when telling a story; toss their heads back when laughing. In short, charming people are both desired and desirable.

3. Courtesy. Or complimentary. Or conscientious. Or Christ-like. In other words, be nice. I should probably direct y’all back to Lesson One – Speak with a Smile in Your Voice – because this one line pretty much sums it up: “people REMEMBER nice folks just as much, or more, than they remember nasty peeps.” When I was young, magazines instructed girls to be aloof; to act disinterested and often rude to suitors in an effort to play hard to get. I never quite understood this reasoning and rebelled against it, going out of my way to be sweet and smiley to everyone I met. Turns out I’ve always been “in demand”, both on a platonic and hey-baby-can-I-have-your-number? level.

4. Conversation. To be a good communicator, one must be comfortable starting – and leading – conversations. Brilliant conversationalists are not born everyday, but there are a few easy steps to honing your own skills: make eye contact, speak clearly and coherently, use language familiar to the listener, stick to the topic, know when to speak and when to listen, express an interest in what’s being said, and know when to excuse yourself and move on. Of course, if you can do all this while incorporating 1. confidence, 2. courtesy and 3. charm, my work here is done!

5. Class. Whether flirting for kisses or flirting for a new mortgage rate, keep your words, actions and demeanor classy. Remember, interjecting a little fun and coyness can do wonders to improve your rapport with others, but only if you keep it light and cheerful.

There you have it! A few solid examples of how you can incorporate the principles of flirting into your everyday life to make you a better communicator. Tell me – are you a flirt?

It’s the continuation of my “Tell Me Something Good” series, aimed at providing tips and techniques to improve your communication skills. Lesson One was to Speak with a Smile in Your Voice; a small change which yields great results… and something everyone is capable of.

Today, I’d like to focus on the most basic form of communication – that is, opening your mouth and speaking. Or in this case – Asking.

Last year, I shared with you the story of Balmshell. Included in the feature was this quote from Jennifer Lees, co-creator of the company:

“‘You only get in life what you have the courage to ask for’. Remember that quote. I was watching an Oprah Winfrey show and one audience member stood up and asked if Oprah would come and visit her small hometown. Everyone in the audience laughed because they assumed there was no way that Oprah would go. Two months later, Oprah dedicated a full show on visiting that small town. The woman was so shocked when Oprah arrived at her door with a TV crew. When asked why she obliged that audience member’s request, Oprah said ‘You only get in life what you have the courage to ask for.’ I always remembered that.”

And I’ve been living my life by that motto ever since.

Because let’s be real – most of the time, things just aren’t handed to you on a silver platter. From a young age, you earn your education. Later, you earn your pay. And I’m quite certain you’ve even earned that “World’s Greatest Mom/Dad” mug in your cupboard. But along away, did you have the courage to ask for the things you wanted/needed? Did you ask for an extension on a paper? A raise in salary? Help when you needed it? On the contrary, have you ever wished so hard for something, but didn’t receive it… only to hear in the end, “Why didn’t you just ask?”

Now most of the time we’re not asking for a spare organ, or the rights to one’s first-born. But there are several reasons why people are reluctant to pipe up:

1. Fear of Rejection. Of course! Who isn’t scared to be shot down? Rejection makes us feel invalidated and frankly, kind of dumb. Plus, sometimes summoning up the necessary courage to ask for something is perceived as not worth the effort… which actually translates to “it’s not worth the embarrassment of being told no.” But if you’re already stuck on all the reasons you’ll be denied, chances are you’ll never go on a limb for what you want and/or believe in. So wrong!

2. Fear of Making the Other Person Uncomfortable. So maybe it’s not about you after all. Maybe you’re selfless; you just want to ensure that you’re not putting anyone in an awkward position based on your request. Two words: COP OUT. I can defend this argument for two reasons: 1) People in your inner circle – such as friends and family – are in your life to help out. And if they can’t, they will say so. If it makes them uncomfortable to speak what’s on their mind, surprise! They’re not in your inner circle after all. 2) People outside your inner circle take things a lot less personally than you perceive. Again, you’re not asking for a spare liver or spleen. If the “askee” can’t be frank and honest with the “asker”, without feeling backed against a wall… that’s not really your problem, is it?

3. We Don’t Know Whom to Ask. That’s a pretty serious roadblock to asking – especially if asking the wrong person means hearing the answer “no”. But it’s so simply solved – do quick research ahead of time to see if you’ve found the person who can best address your question. If you’ve asked a non-decision maker in error, ask to be directed to the correct person without delay, before you back down to due to #1.

4. We Don’t Know How to Ask. As children, we’re taught we can get almost anything our hearts desire with one simple word – please. “Can I watch TV please?” “Can I have some more milk please?” “Can I go to Sally’s house to play… please?” But somewhere along the way, we began to ask more theatrical questions (“If I jump off the balcony wearing my Superman cape will I fly into the sky?”) and were shot down cold. So we lost our desire to ask for things… but our moms had it right all along. Ask, with a polite demeanor and an open mind. You can’t control the answer, but you can have the courage (and imagination) to ask just the same.

5. Pride. Sometimes, we all want to be seen as self-sufficient, able… perfect. And anything less will lead to loss of respect. “If we ask it is an admission of lack of something. Since we in our pride consider ourselves to be perfect, any asking will lead to declaring our vulnerability and competence,” says Sanjay Behuria, author and life coach. But I disagree. I see speaking up – asking – as having confidence. I’m confident enough to admit my shortcomings, and seek help when necessary. And, I’m confident that whether I hear the answer I’m hoping for, I’ll still find a way to achieve my ultimate goal. Never let pride stand in your way.

6. Low Self-Esteem. Perhaps you feel you’re not worthy; your needs are not important. So why bother to ask? Well, I can’t help you here. Loving one’s self comes from within – not a tutorial!

Have you ever held back asking for what you want? And, have you identified with one of the reasons noted above?

Me too. But after reading the quote from Miss Winfrey, I actually made a commitment to start asking for what I want. And you know what? It’s not as scary as it seems.

Lena’s Life: Readers will remember that I had the opportunity to try The Fresh Diet last winter. At $1346 per month, it’s not cheap. And many readers wrote in to me, assuming that the company wanted a little bit of press, and therefore sent me a month’s worth of the diet to review.

Well, they did… but what you don’t know is that the ball started rolling with me – writing to the company and asking for them to sponsor me for a month. When I told my husband that I had just contacted a company and pitched them for about $1500 worth of food and services, he laughed.

“Are you kidding?” he said. “Who’s going to give you an entire meal plan – worth over $1000 – for free?”

I wasn’t swayed. I knew the worst thing they could do was say no, or ignore my e-mail, and frankly, my life wouldn’t change a bit. But having the confidence – the courage – to face rejection by putting myself out there, made me remember Oprah’s quote all over again. I printed it out and stuck it to the whiteboard in my study.

Days later, when I received a note from the company telling me that they’d be pleased to send me The Fresh Diet for 30 days, I realized once again what sets people apart… the power to ask for what you want.

This May, it will be three (3) years that I’ve been a Stay At Home Mom. And… drum roll please… both my kids are healthy and happy. EEK! Who knew I could do this whole “mom” thing??

I can’t deny that from time to time, I fantasize about re-joining the workforce. In particular, I miss:

1. Watching the clock – and running down for a coffee on the dot of 10:00am.2. Wearing pencil skirts.3. Listening to the morning show on the drive in.4. Using my corporate long distance code to call friends and family.5. Generating a paycheck (duh).

Since many of y’all only know me as a blogger, it may surprise you to find out that I was once quite the corporate gal. In my last role before Ryder came along, I managed Customer Satisfaction for a Fortune 100 conglomerate; I coordinated internal customer surveys, measured and analyzed satisfaction scores, and conducted employee training in customer service.

In short, I know a thing or two about how to communicate effectively.

And, I also know a few tricks on how to diffuse tense situations, converse with irate individuals, and harness the power of persuasion to get what I want (curiously, these skills don’t seem to translate when dealing with toddlers. Huh).

Now it seems like such a shame to let all that expertise go to waste, especially since I’m no longer certain I’ll return to the field of employee satisfaction. So I thought I’d set up a new series on Listen to Lena! called “Tell Me Something Good”. This won’t be your run-of-the-mill “The Customer Is Always Right” training – instead, I’d like to focus on tips and techniques to improve your communication skills. Most people who meet me will tell you I’m personable, savvy and full of energy – yes, that’s true, but it’s also true that I constantly channel my “Customer-Focused Persona”. Essentially, I like to treat others as if they were my best customer. And wouldn’t you be interested, polite and attentive to your best customer?

I hope you enjoy the series. I can’t promise that there will be a logical flow to the “lessons” – I’m just aiming to jot down some of my favourite techniques for building communication and character. Please do comment with your own experiences/ suggestions – I love hearing from y’all!

LESSON ONE: Speak with a Smile in Your Voice

It’s an old customer service trick to pick up the phone, smile, and then speak. Why? Because your voice will come across that much more pleasant. But smiling shouldn’t be limited to the beginning of a conversation – when I chat with blog sponsors, my doctor’s secretary, Rogers Cable, etc… I speak with a smile for the entire exchange.

(Before you think, “So she yaps away with a dumb-ass smile on her face the whole time?”, the answer is no. Maybe I did at first, but now I’m so used to turning on my “Happy Voice”, it’s second nature to sound incredibly friendly without even trying.)

So why should you speak with a smile? Well, simply put, people like friendly people. And it’s a well known fact that you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. You’d be surprised how a sweet demeanor can increase your stock in the most unlikely places – take my word for it, people REMEMBER nice folk just as much as they remember nasty peeps. If you don’t fall into either category, chances are you won’t be memorable at all – how tragic!

Lena’s Life: Last week, I missed the Joe Fresh pre-launch in Mississauga due to inclement weather. While the store was still offering 20% off on opening day, goody bags were distributed the night before for the pre-launch attendees only. Still, I visited the store and picked out some great finds. Now at the checkout, I was chatty, friendly, but most of all, sincerely interested in how the staff were coping (the store was jam-packed). After a few moments, I casually asked if there were leftover goody bags. The associate looked at me, smiled, and whispered, “We’re not supposed to give them out today, but you’re such a sweetheart! I’ll get one from the back for you.”

It took me exactly 20 seconds to make an impression. What did the other customers do in 20 seconds? Nothing that earned them a goody bag, that’s for sure. Ha!

So to recap the lesson, treat everyone today like your best customer. Don’t be afraid to smile, engage people in light conversation, and channel your inner Customer Service Guru.