Friday, September 14, 2012

Caught while falling...

Ok – I apparently took an unintentional breather from writing for a good bit longer than I ever wanted to… First there was the job I adored – that kept me running crazy loops around myself for 60 hours a week during the end of last year…

And then… the work load just – stopped. Grinding halt. So – it was no surprise – though truly heartbreaking to me at the same time… when I was given notice my temporary position had come to an end. ....

So then, at that point – I still had no time for writing… I was job hunting like a crazy person in a jobless economy that laughed, and mocked me at every brick wall I slammed into…....

Just when I really felt like I was about to crack… the weight of the world forcing my shoulders to the ground – I broke. ....

Hard.....

Really. ....

My body simply – gave up. ....

On an already unbearably stressful morning… as I sat on my couch typing away at my keyboard – the pain started. Dull… aching… oh, please not now…. I can’t handle a kidney infection right now… I thought to myself. Ten minutes or so went by… I sent a friend a text message – hoping she could bring me grapefruit juice while she was at lunch…. A little more time went by… I felt sick… my run to the bathroom left me crying in pain – on the cold, hard, unforgiving tile floor. ....

I knew I had a big problem. ....

But I had so many things to worry about – my boyfriend working, me not – we could not afford him to leave early and come home…. Who would get the kids? Just up and going to the hospital made no sense to me, and felt impossibly complicated – in my pain induced stupor. ....

I drug myself to my room – and laid on my bed… the dull ache from an hour earlier now a searing knife…. I wondered aloud to my poor, concerned and puzzled dog “why me?” I felt totally smitten by God… and shit on by life. No job. No money. Now… this??....

It was then that my phone rang. Apparently my friend – on seeing how bad off I was when she stopped by (must have not hid it as well as I thought…) had gone straight to my boyfriend at work. All the way across town. On her tiny lunch hour. And “told on me.” I had hardly spoken a word when I was cut off and told “don’t worry about anything – just get to the hospital.” (Actually, I think he said, “are you crazy? Don’t worry about anything – get your ASS to the hospital….”)....

And I was in no position to argue. ....

By the end of that day – I had a list of medical woes compliments of the ....Emergency Room CT.... scan – including the diagnosis for my immediate pain. A large kidney stone. (NOT an infection, as I had thought.) But I also felt more secure, and loved – than maybe I ever had before. Ever. ....

From the care and concern shown by my boyfriend’s family – who have taken me in simply as if I belong – a feeling I so longed for and never got in 10 years of marriage from my ex-husbands family… (to give credit where it is due, I was a little close with his mother, and that, was all.) And the concern of friends too far away to be at my side… (because I know you would have been..) to the ones who were. Getting my children from school. Taking shifts at the hospital with my children. Getting me home. Getting my car home. Everyone helped me in some way on that day. I had never felt so protected before. ....

In the span of that ONE DAY – I hit one of the lowest points I may have ever hit… (almost) – literally asking God what I had done wrong in what lifetime to be so constantly, meanly toyed with…....

To the polar opposite. Feeling so very loved and cared for. By my friends who are my family. ....

A few weeks and two kidney surgeries later – life is slowly getting back in order. Yes – two kidney surgeries. The kidney stone was too large to correct any other way – and splitting the surgery into two parts may have hurt more in the short term, but took weeks off my recovery time, and saved me from a huge gash filled with stitches in my back. ....

Those other issues that were on the CT scan? We will get to those soon enough. But for now – I am still recovering, AND I have started a new job… and I have way too many bills to catch up on… and well – I just really need to catch my breath.....

This has been a month full of intense personal reflection – and that is putting it very gently. ....