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All Rise...

Judge Patrick Naugle can shuck like there's no tomorrow.

The Charge

The chilling true story of where your movie popcorn really comes
from.

Opening Statement

I don't know for sure, but I would venture to guess that Stephen King is one
of the most frequently adapted authors in history. Dozens of films have been
made from King's stories, none quite so bafflingly popular as the seemingly
ubiquitous Children of the Corn
series. Based on one of King's short stories, Children of the Corn went
on to spawn not only a remake but also six (!) sequels. Echo Bridge
Entertainment has unleashed Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror and
Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return on Blu-ray…so start your
screamin'!

Facts of the Case

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror When six
freewheeling college students happen upon a wrong turn into Divinity Falls they
realize they've headed straight into the danger of the Children of the Corn! When the leader
of the demonic children, Ezikel (Adam Wylie, Santa with Muscles), tells
the teens they have a week to leave or else face their wrath, the teens
(including future star Eva Mendes) and their leader, Allison (Stacey Galina,
Providence), fear for their very souls. With their car destroyed and
Allison's long lost brother a part of the cult of "He Who Walk Behind The
Rows," the race is on to escape Divinity Falls or fall victim to a grisly
end!

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return All young
Hannah Martin (Natalie Ramsey, Cruel
Intentions 3) wants to do is find her birth mother in Gatlin, Nebraska. All
Hannah uncovers are the dreaded and deadly Children of the Corn! It
appears that Isaac (John Franklin, Addams
Family Values), the original cult's leader, was not killed almost two
decades ago but instead has been lying dormant in a coma in a hospital run by
Stacy Keach (Escape from L.A.).
When Hannah arrives it fulfills a long standing prophecy that awakens the
sinister Isaac which leads to a final, chilling showdown between Hannah, Isaac
and "The One Who Walks Behind The Rows!"

The Evidence

Considering my horror pedigree (my father was Vincent Price, my mother was
Betsy Palmer and my sister is Carrie), I've never been much of a fan of the Children of the Corn series. The
original 1984 cheapie—a critically maligned mess but profitable to
whatever producers made their deal with the Devil—lacks any interesting
characters and had a budget only slightly bigger than a Pirates of the
Caribbean craft services lunch table on any random Tuesday. Why did people
flock to a movie starring two C-grade stars (Linda Hamilton and Peter Horton)
and as much suspense as paying my bills online? Your guess is as good as mine.
I'd bet the name Stephen King helped sell tickets while the idea of children
stalking adults in a rural setting tapped into some weird deep-seated fear about
rural yokels and city folk fearing they'd be forced to "squeal like a
pig." Because of this, the Children of the Corn series starts to
read like a dry Biblical list of terrible straight-to-video titles: Children
of the Corn begat Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice which
begat Children of the Corn III: Urban
Harvest which begat Children of the Corn: The Gathering which begat
our movie of the moment, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror.
Amen.

If that felt like quite a bore to read you may have a hard time sitting
through the fifth entry of the Children of the Corn series, Children
of the Corn V: Fields of Terror, which would give Orville Redenbacher chills
(and for all the wrong reasons.) You really won't need a lot of background
history going into this sequel; all you need to know is right there in the
title—there are children (natch), they live in the corn, end of story. In
what must be the umpteenth version of the "out-of-towners get stranded in a
strange town" routine, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror
lumbers forth without much going for it, save for a few famous and semi-famous
faces and a fair amount of chintzy gore (care of writer/director Ethan Wiley,
who helmed the much better sequel House II: The Second Story).

Star Eva Mendes (going under the spelling "Eva Mendez") appears in
her first major film role and does little except look pretty and emote in ways
that make a John Deere wood chipper look like a Shakespearean actor. David
Arquette's brother, Alexis, who would later go on to become a woman in real
life, uses some goofy shtick that gets old fairly quickly. The late David
Carradine (Kill Bill: Volume 2) shows up
as a weird old prophet while ex-footballer Fred Williamson (From Dusk Till Dawn) pops up as a
town sheriff who looks like a football player playing a town sheriff in a bad
horror movie. Again, I list these things because the movie doesn't provide me
with enough worthwhile action or dialogue to comment on. Generally speaking
characters walk on screen, recite some stale dialogue then get dispatched as
quickly as they entered. Wash, rinse, repeat.

In the pantheon of terrible, unwarranted sequels, Children of the Corn V:
Fields of Terror can stand proud and tall knowing it's hovering somewhere
near first place, right next to Darkman
II: The Return of Durant and any of the Hellraiser movies made in the past
fifteen years. As I sit here writing this review I'm racking my brain trying to
think of anything that happened in Children of the Corn V: Fields of
Terror that was interesting or unique. I can think of almost nothing to
recommend in this film—no standout performances and a lousy story.

Which brings us to…

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return. Well, now. I didn't think
things could get worse. How very, very wrong I was. Fans of this series (clearly
consisting of the mentally deranged, emotionally stunted and sewer dwelling
lizard people) will be happy to note that John Franklin's Isaac returns for this
sixth installment. As you'll remember, or maybe you won't or just don't care,
Isaac was one of the lead antagonists in the original film. Almost two decades
later Franklin returns to the same role with even less impact than the first
film—the man just isn't scary. Looking like a grown up Hobbit with a voice
that sounds like he was sucking helium before each take, Franklin has all the
menace of a kid named Dennis (Rhyming, the key component in any reviewer's
arsenal). He makes a terrible villain and spends most of the movie smirking,
which is at the top of my list of "Facial Expressions Least Likely to
Instill Fear and Trembling." There's the requisite gore here (mostly in the
form of lots of red Karo syrup), but it's all sound and fury signifying nothing.
Nancy Allen (the Robocop trilogy)
and Stacey Keach both show up in minor roles but it's an obvious ploy for
marquee value only. Everything about Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's
Return is downright bad—the production values ("Bob, we don't
have enough for effects work…flickering hallway lights are always scary,
right?"), the horrendous 'for a paycheck' acting and the lackluster
direction and writing (co-scripted by Franklin) all point towards a rushed
production to recoup their budget.

For those wondering what either of these movies have to do with Stephen
King's original "Children of the Corn" story, the answer is almost
nothing. Except for the idea of kids living in cornrows, these movies have
little in common with King's short story. In fact, it's a bit of a surprise the
author didn't fight to have his name removed from the credits of each of these
films ala the Lawnmower Man films. Both Children of the Corn V: Fields
of Terror and Children of the Corn IV: Isaac's Return are
exceptionally bad movies. Unfortunately, they don't fall under the 'so bad
they're good' category; these are bottom of the barrel cheapies that will be
long forgotten to the folds of time.

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror is presented in 1.78:1
widescreen in 1080p hi-def resolution while Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's
Return is presented in 1.78:1 widescreen in a slightly less 1080i
resolution. Frankly, it doesn't really matter that these two films are presented
in two different resolutions—they both look mediocre at best. Yes,
Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror is the slightly better looking
of the two films (the colors seem brighter and there is a notable lack of
imperfection in the overall image), but this is like saying McDonalds has a
slight edge over Burger King…you're still getting middle of the road fast
food. The biggest issue with both of these transfers is a lack of clarity and
depth in the image. Considering thee are the fifth and sixth entries in a mostly
straight to video series, it's not very surprising that these transfers are only
about a quarter of a step up from the original DVD releases.

The soundtracks are both presented in Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo. If you
thought the picture quality was pretty iffy wait until you get a load of these
paltry soundtracks. Ugh. While serviceable for the material, there isn't
anything of interest here for audiophiles to enjoy. The soundtrack is front
heavy and blandly reproduced, even a bit tinny. Considering this is a high-def
format, this is a real disappointment even if these are just Z grade bottom
feeder movies. No alternate soundtracks or subtitles are included on this
release.

Not surprisingly, there are no extra features included on this disc. I would
be lying if I didn't say that made me really, really happy.

Closing Statement

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror and Children of the Corn
666: Isaac's Return make the cardinal mistake of being exceptionally boring,
one of the twelve deadly sins of horror movies (a list that includes "not
enough gore" and "no boobies"). Neither of these movies are worth
casual viewer's time, though the consummate horror collector may feel this
double feature is a worthwhile buy.

The Verdict

Both of these straight-to-video horror movies are found guilty of being
shameless cash-ins.

Give us your feedback!

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