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Topic: Torn on what to do...update page 5 (Read 13886 times)

A little bit of background first. A friend of mine got married about two years ago, in a destination wedding. I was one of her bridesmaids, and when I left to come home, she asked me to bring her wedding dress back with her. She said she'd come pick it up in a couple of weeks, when they were back from their honeymoon. So I brought it home with me, and it has sat in my closet for almost two years now. I asked her multiple times to come get it, or set up a time for me to bring it to her, or something. She never has responded. At the end of last September, this friend abruptly stopped talking to me, defriended me on Facebook, and acts as if I never existed, according to the people who still see her.

So, onto my dilemma. One of my New Year's resolutions is to try and clean up our house, so we can have people over without all-day marathon cleaning sessions. I figured a dress that didn't even belong to me was a good place to start. I emailed this person on New Year's Day, and told her that I needed to hear from her within two weeks to set up a way to get rid of the dress, or I'd get rid of it myself.

I mentioned this to a few people, and some people think it's the greatest idea ever. They've come up with suggestions for where it can be sold or donated, and told me that it's great I'm willing to take back my space. Other people think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever (I can almost hear the capitals) and say if I go through with this I will be coming off as a terrible person who doesn't care about another person's sentiment. They agree I shouldn't need to keep the dress, but say if I get rid of it, it would be awful. Suggestions from this group have included storing it in our attic, or in our garage.

I desperately want to get rid of the dress. It takes up way too much space, and is a constant reminder of someone who cut me off without a word, for no reason that I can discern. Every time I see it (several times a day, since it's in my closet), I get angry about it all over again. I thought disposing of it was a good way to get it out of my head, but now I'm not sure. What is the best way to go about this?

I mentioned this to a few people, and some people think it's the greatest idea ever. They've come up with suggestions for where it can be sold or donated, and told me that it's great I'm willing to take back my space. Other people think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever (I can almost hear the capitals) and say if I go through with this I will be coming off as a terrible person who doesn't care about another person's sentiment. They agree I shouldn't need to keep the dress, but say if I get rid of it, it would be awful. Suggestions from this group have included storing it in our attic, or in our garage.

Ask someone from that group to store the dress for you.

However you choose to dispose of it, including pitching it in the garbage, is not - IMO - wrong!

If you have any mutual friends, and particularly if those are the ones who are saying that you will be committing the Worst. Crime. Ever. perpetrated on a human being, perhaps you could give the dress to one of THEM and let them return it to her?

How bulky is it? Can you cram the thing into a Flat Rate box and mail it to her? I don't think you should have to spend money or that you're obligated, but it might be worth it just to have it out of your space guilt-free.

(And, obviously, she's still within the allotted time you gave her, so hang on to it till then, but it's a possible solution for afterward.)

I think keeping it for a short time more would be best for all. However, I would be spending that time attempting to find a residence where she is located or a workplace. Upon obtaining that information, I would then immediately send the dress to her, requesting a confirmation of receipt from the shipper/mailer (I don't know where you live). I'm sure this is really frustrating.

Well, you gave them the chance to let you know you wanted it. If you had contact info for a parent or sib you could give them the same info with a deadline. Maybe somebody who is a mutual friend, especially if the are treating it as the Worst Crime Ever would take custody?

I think two years is plenty of time to provide free storage. You have given her plenty of opportunity to get the dress if she wanted it. My guess is she doesn't really want it, but doesn't want to actually give you permission to get rid of it. Donate it or sell it with a clean conscience.

You could also offer to give it to one of the people acting horrified - given the strength of their convictions, I'm sure they'd be happy to hang on to it until she decides she wants it.

1. Do you have an address for this woman? Send it back, postage due on delivery. 2. If you have mutual friends, give it to one of them to deliver3. set it on fire and watch it burn, smirking while sipping a martini in one hand and smoking a cigarette. (No?)4. Give it away to a charity shop after the e-mailed deadline has passed.

Really, 2 years have passed. We can reasonably assume that she doesn't care enough about this dress to get it back. Also - cutting off the person who has the dress, not the best choice if you did want it back. Make sure that you keep a copy of the email you sent or send her a new one with a read receipt. CYA for any future issues.

... (And, obviously, she's still within the allotted time you gave her, so hang on to it till then, but it's a possible solution for afterward.) ...

She said two weeks! It's been two years.

Unless I'm misreading the post, she emailed the ex-friend on this New Year's Day, 2013, and told her she had two weeks. Yes, obviously, the bride should have claimed it long ago, but now that OP has set a new timeline and notified the woman, she should stick to it and then get rid of the dress.

... (And, obviously, she's still within the allotted time you gave her, so hang on to it till then, but it's a possible solution for afterward.) ...

She said two weeks! It's been two years.

Unless I'm misreading the post, she emailed the ex-friend on this New Year's Day, 2013, and told her she had two weeks. Yes, obviously, the bride should have claimed it long ago, but now that OP has set a new timeline and notified the woman, she should stick to it and then get rid of the dress.

Ah ... now I see where you're coming from. I was going on the bride saying she'd pick up the dress within two weeks after the wedding! You're talking about a different (later) two weeks offered by the OP. Sorry about that.

This is between you and the dress owner. You have stored it for two years, have given her a deadline to pick it up, and told her the consequences of not doing so. I think that after the deadline has passed, you are well within your rights to dispose of how you see fit. She has had plenty of opportunities to pic it up and has chosen not to do so. This is her problem and her fault, not yours.It is certainly not your responsibility to pay for the dress to get back to her.

My only advice is to keep records of the email you sent her in case she decides she wants it back at some future date.

Dang this is a tough one. I want to tell you you're free to sell it and keep the money. What 'd probably actually do, though, is find out where she lives and leave it on her porch or pass it off to a mutual friend to give to her next time they see her. As PPs suggested, the ones crying about how mean it would be to get rid of it would be my first choice.

I would be reluctant to donate it or give it away just now. Despite the fact this person doesn't really seem to care about it, given the time frame it has sat at your house, it is still a very sentimental thing. I think I would try to get her address so I could mail it to her, and yes, pay for the shipping, or see if a mutual friend could deliver it to her. You have given her a deadline, and you have stored this dress for so long, I think you are free to dispose of the dress as you see fit. You really aren't under any responsibility to pay to ship the dress or anything, but given the sentimental nature of a wedding dress, I think I would try that first, if at the very least, to sooth my own conscience that I tried everything before I gave it away.

I'm laughing at "I can almost hear the capitals."

Edit to add, I agree with yokozbornak to keep copies of emails and correspondence, jot down phone calls, just in case she later makes claim to the dress after you disposed of the dress.

My only concern would be that since this woman has defriended the OP on Facebook, she may also have blocked her email address. She might never see the email the OP sent.

So I'd send a snail mail letter, or have a mutual friend contact her, to make absolutely sure that she knows her wedding dress is headed for the dumpster. And maybe, extend the deadline one week, because of the possible delay in getting word to her.

But after that new deadline, I'd donate the dress somewhere.

Or give the dress to a mutual friend to take on the responsibility of returning the dress, as another option.

But I'm soundly with the group that thinks the OP has every right to get rid of the dress. She thought she was going to have it for a couple of weeks. It's been two years. If the dress had any sentimental value to the bride, surely she'd have retrieved the dress by now?