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Sunday, October 25, 2015

Sometimes I get hit. Not physically (thought it might as
well be) but emotionally and mentally. It happens when least expected, at the
most unlikely times. I've tried to anticipate getting hit but that doesn't
work. I simply have to accept that no matter what I do, no matter how positive
I train my thoughts to be, I will get hit.

I believe anyone who've been through, or are going through,
something traumatic have experienced this phenomenon. You're going about your
day doing your normal routine when BAM! out of nowhere something reminds you of
everything you've been through, are still going through. It hits you. And you
have to sit down, cry, and/or experience the rage that flows through you with
such strength that you feel out of breath. I had a lot of "hits" in
the beginning, when it was all new with Morgan. I would see a typical 6 month
old out in public and be reminded of how non-typical my girl is. And it hits
me. Call me over-emotional but there is nothing else to do but feel it. The
pain of not having a healthy typical daughter, the moments of flashback over
all the scary situations we've lived through thus far, the scary moments still
to come. And knowing, inevitably, they will come. And I cry. Anything could set
it off. Anything could cause the hit.

As time goes on, I've noticed the hits not coming as
frequently. It's been at least a month since I've been hit with anything. It
helps that I'm growing into this life, becoming a little better at navigating
the situation as time goes on. Morgan's challenges are simply woven into our
daily lives. No big deal. Right.

Except when it is.

I didn't know how rough this last week was going to be. I
got hit a lot. I was watching a special on PBS about Brain Consciousness and
thoroughly enjoying it till the EEG. They began an EEG to show the brain's activity
in sleep. They showed him wearing the scanners, then they showed the EEG
read-out. And that's all it took. In my mind's eye flashed all of Morgan's
EEGs, her seizures, her brain MRI and I lost it. I had to turn off the show and
walk out onto the deck into the chilly night air. Weeping, I kept thinking
"This really hurts, and this is really silly. I need to get a grip." I couldn't watch the rest of the show.

The hits didn't stop there. Morgan had an appointment with
her Pediatrician the next day and it was a rough one. Rough because we went
over her Care Plan for the following year. We covered every aspect of her care,
what specialists she will need to follow-up with, what tests will need to be
done, different therapies and what ones we would need to add on. And we will
need to get her a wheelchair down the road.

A hard appointment.
Life with Morgan isn't bad when you take things a day at a time, one step at a
time. But backing up and looking at the big picture is overwhelming, scary. A
LOT to take in. Too much. I got through the appointment but wasn't doing very
well by the time we reached the car. The tears came and really there was
nothing I could do about it. There is no choice but to feel it. Feel all of it.

Morgan is doing very well health-wise, her seizures are
under control, no major illnesses at the moment. So really a good appointment
in that regard. It's just hard to look at the big picture.

I feel pretty good today. Not overwhelmed and pretty happy
with the way things are. Back to taking it one step at a time and smiling where
I can. It's such a strange way to live, knowing that I will inevitably get hit
again.