Piece of Ass

The Red Hog Saloon

Lost off I-10 West, I stumble upon a bar. It's small, dark and hidden behind a strip club, and the weathered plywood sign reads The Red Hog Saloon (10312 Hempstead Road, 713-290-1666). I park and go inside, where I ask the bartender what the house specialty is. "Oh," she says, "I got one for you." And without hesitation the boozy blond tosses a few liquor bottles in the air and returns with a Piece of Ass. The drink is good, so I encourage Kim, my soon-to-be favorite bartender of all time, to be creative. Before I can take in this small bar's big personality, she sets down a shot in front of me called Pineapple Upside Down Cake. The crowd inside is doing redneck karaoke; a toothless woman in sweat pants and a sleeveless shirt is singing "Delta Dawn." Just as I spot a woman who looks like a Hispanic Dolly Parton, a stripper walks in from next door. Kim promises me a hangover as she presents the next shot, a Brain Hemorrhage. It looks truly disgusting, but I down it anyway. The guys singing invite me to join them, and I holler back that I'm not nearly drunk enough, so they buy me a shot. As I pinch my arm to make sure this isn't a dream, Kim is passing Jell-O shots around and asking me what color I want -- green, red or yellow. I ask for red, and she tops it off with Reddi-wip. Everybody in the saloon has made me feel like I belong here, and when I ask Kim for my tab, I realize just how many Pieces of Ass I've had tonight between shots. Even though I haven't left yet, I already can't wait to come back.