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Monday, July 11, 2011

Broken

My family is broken, having been torn apart two years ago by things that were out of my control even though I do take responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our relationship.

I often ask myself was this the best thing for us? For the children? ....Definitely not. For our families?.... definitely not. For my ex?..... I guess so. For me?.... I haven’t decided. I can honestly say I wasn’t happy with our relationship but I was content which I now know isn’t a good thing.

The hardest thing is finding myself in all of this. After 20 years together, you plan on growing old with that someone. All your dreams and hopes for the future are wrapped in that person. You plan on retiring together, living in your home together and traveling together but most importantly you plan on being grandparents together. When you break up all the plans for the future die along with the relationship. This is such a hard place to be mentally. You have to give up your dreams for your future.

I don’t honestly know if I will ever build a new life with someone else but I do know for sure that person will never love or enjoy my children as much as I do and that is a hard thing to fathom.

Any new relationship I have will always be different then what I have known since I was 20 years old. We aren’t building a life together we are joining two lives and families that are already established. I am slowly realizing that I can never get back the life I had. I cannot just insert someone new, no matter how happy they make me. The life I built with my Ex was one of a kind, which is both a blessing and a curse.

How does my new life look? How do I change my dreams to fit my new reality? How do I become the strong independent, single Mother I want to be? Am I capable of maintaining my home alone? Am I capable of supporting my children alone? Am I capable of being a “Part Time Lover”? Most importantly am I capable of building and dreaming of a future that is so different?