Friday, April 3, 2009

Okay, so I'm sure the title of this post got your attention. I felt this blog brewing in my brain as I was talking to a friend yesterday. She was talking to me about her "jumpoff." Now, knowing their situation, I immediately corrected her and told her he was more than a jumpoff. She asked me why, to which I promptly answered, "because you actually LIKE him."

Urban Dictionary defines a Jumpoff as the following:

Jumpoff - noun SIDEPIECE - can refer to a man/woman or mistress you f*ck on the side of your regular. Someone used strictly for sex.

Now, you could also call your jumpoff your "F*ck Buddy." Same thing right? But are "Friends with Benefits" the same thing as well? I feel like there's a slightly different connotation with this term...but for others, it's all the same.

I think it's possible that actual friends can find each other attractive enough to have sex with, but not to pursue a relationship with. I used to wonder why these two people couldn't be in a relationship if they're already friends as well as being sexually attracted to each other. After all, that's the perfect scenario right?

But then I came to realize that just because you're great friends or great lovers, doesn't mean you'd be great in a relationship. One of you may have commitment issues. Others simply may not have the time to commit to a serious relationship. Some people make great boyfriends or girlfriends, but not spouses (if that's what you ultimately want) - the list of reasons is endless.

So, with that said - since my friend seemed slightly confused as to when someone is a jumpoff or not, I decided to write this blog from MY perspective to define what it is, to state what the benefits to having a jumpoff, f*ck buddy or friend with benefits are, as well as state the drawbacks. There are many - so I'll give my list here and you all can feel free to add to it if you like.

Now, as a woman, there are times when our body wants what we know our mind doesn't. He's the fine ass mandingo with the brain the size of a peanut. He's sexy as hell, a nice guy perhaps, and you like him JUST enough to give him some. We think he's adorable, but maybe mentally or emotionally lacking. He may be great, but he may be too young...you know, kinda like the cable guy ;-) We don't want to date him or bring him around our friends or family..ever - cuz we know better. But damn, the chemistry between you is electric. You want the lovin, but no strings attached. Do you deny yourself? What do you do? That's up to you, but if you decide to make him your jumpoff...then here are the rules:

Rule #1: Be honest about what you want upfront - with yourself and each other. Negotiating a long-term, friends-with-benefits type situation can be tricky for us ladies. Men are seemingly born knowing how to detach emotions from sex - I think it's in their DNA. Some can spend a whole night with you, then trip over you the next day and not even recognize you. But women can have a harder time of it. Some women wind up feeling used or like they're promiscuous. I realize it's a double standard, but if you're uncomfortable with it, don't do it. Man or woman, make sure you BOTH know upfront that it's all about sex and nothing else. That way neither will feel like they're being used by the other. You're both using each other equally! :)

Rule #2: It ain't about "We." Avoid using pronouns like "us" or "we," and all talk of plans further into the future than the hour it takes him to get to your place is not allowed.

Rule #3: No meals together. Acceptable dining situations include maybe a bowl of cereal in the morning before he bounces...or maybe a late-night grilled cheese or some hot pockets (3 minutes in the microwave) after y'all got busy. Meals to be avoided are breakfast, brunch, dinner, or any other setting where you actually have to talk to each other at length :) Speaking of talking...

Rule #4: Limit conversation. Questions any more probing than "do you have condoms?" and "how fast can you get here?" can get a little sticky. Your jumpoff doesn't want to hear about your day, who pissed you off at work, or how cute your nephew is. Keep it light and keep it moving.

Rule #5: This probably goes without saying, but no socializing outside of the bedroom. He doesn't meet your friends, you don't meet his. That goes double for family members. The best thing about having a jumpoff is that he's your dirty little secret (unless he's just SO fine that you want to show-off a lil bit :-)

I'm going to stop at 5 rules so that you all can add yours. Sex with no strings can get tricky if you're not honest about what you want. It's easy for one of you to catch feelings, so keeping those rules in mind should help you avoid that. But if you like someone and think that getting into a "friends with benefits" situation will make that person come around to wanting more, you could be in for a rude awakening. If you're jealous or possessive by nature...then a "f*ck buddy" situation might not be for you. Sometimes even if WE don't want that person, we don't want someone else to have them either. And if they stop seeing you so that they can date someone else seriously...and you'd feel some kinda way about that...then having a jumpoff isn't for you.

The point of having a jumpoff or friend with benefits is because it's convenient and it's comfortable. But in the comfort zone, someone can get attached. For some, separating sex from emotions isn't an easy thing to do...and I'm not just talking about women. If one of you catches feelings, while the other one doesn't, then someone is getting hurt. Period. Nine times out of 10, these situations don't result in a real relationship - they end when someone finds someone they REALLY want to date seriously, or when the attraction subsides. If you can't handle that, don't do it.

Lastly, if you truly ARE friends, I'd say avoid it altogether. Lines can get blurred between friendship and sex, and once you cross the physical boundaries of the friendship, it's hard to turn back. If one of you gets angry at the other, or the sex stops abruptly or anything else bad happens, it may not be worth jeopardizing the friendship you share. Sex may not be a risk you're willing to take in losing a real friendship. There should be no regrets.

And even if you ARE able to navigate back and forth between friendship and sex effortlessly, messing around with a good friend could potentially mess up your future relationships. If your new man/woman finds out you had sex with your best buddy, they may feel insecure - Hey, if it happened once, it can happen again right? You can't really fault them for that line of thinking...it's human nature. Either don't do it, or take it to the grave.

The upside is, even though rare, romantic feelings CAN develop if you truly are friends. If that happens, you have the best of both worlds - a real relationship based on friendship, understanding and sexual attraction that is FIYA!

-b

36
comments:

I agree with your rules for the jumpoff. The F*ck buddy can be really close and eventually leads to a friend with benefits. Usually, time and access prevents the f*ck buddy from graduating to a friend with benefits because there's less time for the friendly part. Friends with benefits usually end up having sex with each other after hanging out at a party or somewhere. F*ck buddies usually hang out separately and agree on a meeting place to get it in after the nights party.

Technically I don't think I've ever had a jump off. I tend to like to know something about the person I'm laying down the Fury on. LOL

This must be flex Friday or something! Great blog Brooke! I know you're right about defining the boundaries cause peeps (women) get attached and he make look at you as a jumpoff...but then a woman has feelings and he doesn't want it to go anywhere it can get very ugly and that's not cool!

I'm done with jump offs/f**k buddies, etc...have been for years. I just can't get into it.

Well i'm new to this blog but I just had to say something... I agree 100 % with the rules !! I set my rules in stone and my jumpoff knows just to come in and be undressed before I hit my bedroom give it to me the way I like it and be out of my place before the sun comes up... no need for talking and I like it like that !! you guys have a great weekend.

Wow... I'm surprised so few people have chimed in on this topic. It's super-juicy.

I think these tpe of arrangement r best if pursued on a very short-term and/or limited basis.

Sex is a form of intimacy. It's the closest form of physical intimacy.So to pursue this kind of arrangement on a consistent basis is asking for trouble.

people can work side by side for years & keep boundaries. But, when u have someone entering ur body & breathing ur breath & absorbing ur heat & sweat & such etc. It's kinda difficult to stay totally dettched.

I don't do strickly sex partners. I want to feel close to a woman. I want to like her & enjoy her presence even if I understand that we don't fit together well in a long-term romantic situation. It's a thin line to tread b/c of the physiology & the psychology of a woman & how they relate. Physically women have a limited number of eggs to procreate with. That makes them more selective about their sexual partners. Their investment feels bigger than that of a male's. Time & material work against women. Males can reproduce well into old age. These are the two biggest factors that influence our sexual behaviors naturally.

& b/c of that men can detach from sexual situations more than women. But I personally like to have some feelings associated when I'm tearing them back up. I wanna feel some form of affection for a partner even if I'm not madly in love w/ her. If I don't like the woman at all on an intellctual or emotional level. I lose interest as soon as my "hot rod" goes limp.

Truth be told, I wish I could bone every woman I see just once. I love women & to admire all the diff shapes & colors & sizes etc. But Chemistry is more imp than anything. I see women who look incredible. But talk funny. or walk weird. or wutever...& it just kills it for me. So My rule of thumb is "Do wut u want. Bone whoever u'd like to & worry about everythig else later"

Damn, I wish I knew who these last two anonymous commenters are! Good points. And I agree that women are built differently than men are, which is why I pointed that out in the blog. But men can be the same way. I try to explain to men all the time that just because a woman asks what a man's intentions are upfront, doesn't mean she wants to marry you tomorrow. But if we want a partner and a father for our children, we can't waste our time on you. We have a narrow window, whereas men can make babies til they die. And it's not about just wanting a child...but a HEALTHY one. SO sex for us usually means alot more cuz just as men have natural instincts to spread their seed, a lot of women have a natural maternal instinct as well.

I think when we fight what we naturally want, then that's when these misunderstandings can happen when in a "friends with benefits" situation. That's why it's so important to be honest about what you really want. As the second "anonymous" has shown, there ARE some men out there that want intimacy just as much as we do. It's all about being honest with yourself.

Not for nothing for the most part I agree with the woman having the maternal instinct part however I myself must be one of those women that was born with the male DNA :) because if my mind and or body wants it.. I'm going to satify my itch and keep it moving without a problem and no regrets!! I have learned from passed experiences that I have to make myself happy.

I ain't feelin' all this anonymous ish...if you have a strong opinion on one of Brooke's subjects, AT LEAST identify yourself to HER...offline or whatever...

There is def a difference between all 3 categories. As a veteran, let me give a brief definition:

JUMPOFF - you get it crackin' with this person. Y'all rarely see or deal with each other, usually only socially. Might be at the club, said person might be looking FINE AS HELL, and y'all might be feelin' each other that night! Boom! Next thing you know, y'all leavin' together or hookin' up after the club. Y'all gets it in, and then no communicado until the next time y'all happen to be in the same social circle...

F*CK BUDDIES - a bit more progressed than the JUMPOFF. Y'all see each other way more often than the JUMPOFF, y'all might work together, go to the same gym, live in the same hood, etc. Y'all are actually cool, and can have convos if you so desire. Y'all are cool chillin' with each other amongst mixed company. The vibe and attraction is just there, and you guys decided that when you need some, you can call each other up. The F*CK BUDDY hooks up with you way more than the JUMPOFF, as you guys have a cooler/tighter relationship. You aren't tight friends, but y'all are definitely cool and attracted to each other. And the sex is satisfying - which is why it's on-going between you.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (FWBs) - you guys are honest to goodness friends. You can chill all day and not touch each other; talk deep into the night on the phone, have similar like, and can confide in each other. You both have qualities that you admire and find attractive about each other, but aren't ready or willing to get into a relationship. So, from time to time, you guys get it on...and it's no big deal FWBs are the most dangerous of the 3 categories, cuz the chances of someone developing feelings are the highest with an FWB...

There! Now that we have these descrips out of the way...

I've actually had only 4 actual girlfriends in my life. I just was never one to jump into that situation based on watching everyone else. I'm very observant, which usually makes me good on giving advice about things - ESPECIALLY relationships. And I'm always watching people and what they do, say, how they act, etc.

But I ain't no priest! So, over the years, I've had variations of these 3 categories. I'd say in my later years, I've def had the FWBs in my life. But up until my junior year of college, when I finally got sick of/disinterested with it, I was all about the Jumpoffs and the F*ck Buddies, no doubt! I had it to a science...and I had the uncanny ability to always find the ones who would keep our business between us. No stories about no gals droppin' dime on me AT ALL. My boys actually think I had radar for it - I would even be able to tell which girls they knew who would keep it discreet...

The thing with these categories - they can evolve into the others, or devolve as well. All 3 require maturity on the part of both people, and are BIG TIME traps for problematic issues is you're not careful.

Just remember what I said about not putting words in the air you don't want anyone to know, get out, or be repeated. It takes some time to change your mindset to TRULY do that - but I've been doing it since I was a little boy.

There's no rule. It depends on the person and their values. I know one girl who was Lil' Kim before we knew who Lil' Kim was. She's smart, but knows what she wants and when she wants it. By the amount of partners she had when we were in school, I'm sure people could've called her slut by sheer numbers - but no one ever did. She never came off as one.

Just a confident, mature woman who knew what she wanted. And she had no more bodies than many dudes on campus...

Lol. Just remember we used to say how many "bodies" you had during my freshman year in our terminology...so silly.

It's all love on the blog, but I have to be careful since I know my co-workers read it too :) I think I've kept it pretty civil so far, but I have a feeling TMI Tuesday will break out if I take it there :)

And I agree that a woman can have alot of bodies without coming off as promiscuous, although I definitely think there's a double standard out there.

Personally, jumpoffs, f*ck buddies, all that isn't really my thing. I almost wish I could do it, but I know myself - I have to like you in order to get with you like that...and then my feelings get involved. Not sure if that's good or bad, but it is what it is. Gotta be honest with yourself. And the few times that situation presented itself, I wound up dating the guy...so guess I'm just not really built that way deep down inside. Tricky....

There's only a double standard because of men and their old misogynistic values and European sensibilities. Pish-tosh on that.

And I've only done the FWB thing since college - no Jumpoffs or F*ck Buddies that immediately come to mind. I just haven't been able to find an ACTUAL girlfriend for a variety of reasons I won't go into right now...but I have dated people, and I always only mess with one person exclusively. I may SEE other people, but physically, I'm monogamous.

I'm a germaphobe to a large extent, which makes it easy for me to have never become a man-whore. Lol!

So sorry that the one individual has a problem w/ some of us contributing under an Anonymous moniker...But Oh well. Last time I checked this was Brookey's Cafe. If someone other than Brooke wants to set ground rules, start your own blog. Or be apart of one that doesn't "anonymous" as a posting option. What does brooke knowing who's posting have to do w/ the topic being discussed or ideas being shared? Thank you Brookey for inviting me to participate in YOUR blog.

Anyhow, I do think the definitions laid out are interesting. The terms leave room for all sorts of interpretations by two parties. I like alot of what was said, Especially by the one anonymous person about intimacy. B/c that's the bottom line to all of it...Intimacy. How close one person is willing to get to another physically & emotionally.

Throughout history men have proven to be very emotional & attached to women. History has also shown many women who have lived on their owwn terms & ignored social rules & stigmas about sexuality. One of the great things about the times we live in is that those examples aren't few & far between. More & more people are willing to take control of their lives & carry on as they see fit. People feel empowered. It's empowering for a woman to decide to have multiple partners or not & the circumstances surrounding her involvement w/ each individual.

Likewise, for a man it's empowering to kno he can make the same decisions w/ out being percieved as a predator or lurch...or for either a male or femal to be looked upon as pariahs for their personal choices of intimacy.

Granted there are still social norms, roles, & traditions to which we all answer. But I see the society changing & those norms, roless, & values expanding. Interesting topic. Anything regarding relationships is interesting to me...romantic or otherwise.

I try to treat most things as circumstantial & can envision myself involved in any one of these relationships...All depends upon the context in which I find myself & what it is that I want. nothing is totally off limits. Life is fun that way.

I think at different times of our lives, it's possible to be in any of these situations. And nothing is wrong with them if both people are mature and upfront. I think it's when you try to go against what you know you REALLY want, then trouble can happen. The lines of communication have to stay open just in case anything changes... cuz ultimately in any of these situations, something will.

Intimacy is important to me, so I don't see any of these situations as being something I'd be happy with for too long.

I agree. Communication & being honest w/ one's self is important to all relationships & interaction...unless of course the intent is to decieve. Trouble has a way to show up in commited relationships when lines of comm. are cloudy & unclear. Plus people want diff things at diff points of life like u said. Hopefully whatever situation you choose...it's fun & worth the all the investment.

And I really don't care who is anonymous or not, I just wanted to know so I could give kudos for the points made :)

I'm not looking for any of these situations, at least not right now anyway ;) I just thought it would be interesting conversation considering a friend and I had this conversation yesterday and the definitions didn't seem to be clear. Everyone's definitions are different, just thought I'd give them from my perspective :)

Brooke - loved the blog topic today. It's funny because I have been thinking a lot about this lately given the nature of my blog. It seems that lately because I am out and about meeting so many different people there are many forms of all 3 tempting me at every turn. I agree with most of the folks who posted a comment here - I would prefer intimacy moving forward, but that doesn't mean I haven't had a F*ck buddy or Jumpoff before. I haven't really ever done the friends with bennies thing, but that's just b/c I didn't want to mess up my friendships.

I'm sorry I missed everybody yesterday, but Friday was sort of busy for me.

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Over the years, I've been blessed to have spent time with, befriend, love, learn from and share experiences with people who have helped me grow and inspire me everyday. They have shared words of wisdom, strengthened me with encouragement, gave me joy with a smile, comforted me with a hug, gave clarity to my visions and dreams and renewed my spirit with faith. It is through family and friends that I manage to be happy and hopeful.
These relationships work because we share our philosophies, our personal truths and an outlook that prompts us to seek something greater in all and in ourselves. Sharing a journey heartedly illuminates our lives and enriches our experiences. It keeps us moving....always evolving....ever changing.
I have been transformed by the wisdom, opinions, insights and revelations of those who have shared their journey with me. It's a blessing I long to share with you through my first ever blog. For me, writing is a reflection of my own direct experience and I look forward to all of you sharing your thoughts and experiences with me.
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