Sunday, October 4, 2009

Break Point

"Where are you?""Right there. On the stairs.""I do not see you. Okay, I think I can see you..."They saw each other, smiled and put their cellphones back."Hi L!", extending his hand."Hello!", as my chirpy self and we shook hands like two clients meeting forthe first time to discuss a grand marketing deal. Not like we were any better. We were ex lovers meeting for the first time.

"Shit! I can not believe I am sitting here with you."I smiled thinking he was over reacting.He gave that look again."Relax S! Do you want me to pinch you?""Wow!"Okay! So, I was really in a relationship with HIM!"So, How are you?""I am ecstatic. I am sitting with you here. What do you expect?"Wow! So, someone could be that excited to see me that his ear to ear smile would not compress? Alright! He was always 'too into me'. And that was precisely the reason that drew me away from him."What will you have?""Coffee?""WHAT!? We meet for the first time and you want to have just coffee? You will have to eat something."Phew! I am so happy this is not a date."I really do not want to. You order what you want to have.""I did not have lunch thinking we will have it together.""It is 16:30.""So?""Umm. Okay. Lets order."We take some 10 minutes to decide what counter to go to at the Food Court. And finally when he gets into a line."Will you have x?""No, thank you S.""Okay. Will you have y?""No S.""Z?""S!",giving him one of those stern GrandMa looks."No. This is not fair. You will have to eat something.", dancing like a stubborn kid who wants that toy else he will sit right there on the floor and cry for it.Helplessly,"S!"He tries one of the most pathetic puppy dog faces I have ever seen."Ice Cream! And that is it!"He finally ordered. Phew! It was a task, I swear!We sat on our table and once again came that look. Someone slap me for coming here!"This is for you.", sliding a small packet with a card towards me."What is it?""A present for you.""Why?"Do we women love this or what."Just like that.""No S. I am sorry. I can not accept it.""Look at it first at least. It is nothing great." WHAT!? TAKE IT AWAY RIGHT NOW!"No S."Has any woman accepted a gift willingly no matter how desperately she wants it? Acting pricey comes naturally, like breasts.After 5-10 minutes of being a typical woman, he takes the gift. WTF! I knew I was overdoing it. Darn!He opened it himself and took out a shining Gold bracelet. Fuck!"No way. I just can not accept this."And he tries to push it on my wrist."S... S..."Looking at it more carefully, Oh! What was he thinking? It would have looked better in Silver."S... I really can not take this.""Now, stop all this. This is not even expensive if you are thinking that." Err... Okay."S... Please. This is not needed.""This is not even real." Whoa! O-K-A-Y. You do not really talk about your own gifts like that. Do you?"S!"And he almost started dancing in the same way sitting on his chair."Okay. Okay. Thank you very much. It is beautiful."Argh. How much do I hate formalities. They only teach you how to lie.And the food came.And he started to feed me his food. Alright, now this is too much embarrassment for me to take in one day. Thank goodness I was in a different country which I would not return to for long, at least, if not never."So, how is F?""Oh! She is good.""Why didn't you bring her? I would have loved to meet her.""She is out of town.""Okay."Changing the topic, "You are very bad, L. You are meeting me today when you are leaving tomorrow. Get your ticket cancelled.""I can not. I have work.""This is very unfair.""I am sorry but I was here for a very short while, anyway. Yet I managed to call and meet."He was about to start his whining and dancing when I interrupted, "So, How are things between you and F?" "Not great. We are having too many fights. It is getting difficult.""Marriage?""I do not know.""What do you mean, you do not know? What about your parents?""What? What about them?""It is an arranged thing, no?""No.""No? Then what was that long story about your mom seeing F in some gathering and fixing you up with her?""She was interning at my office.""O-K-A-Y."What a Bastard! I always knew he lied to me, and that innocent face! He deserved what I gave him then. Huh.He went on with his entire love story, "But it does not seem to be working out.""Relax. Fights happen. It will work out. She sounds like a nice girl and you are a nice guy too. You both will make it happen."He actually aint that bad as a person."You think I am a nice guy?""Yes. I am sure.""Thet n why did you leave me the way you did?""Look, that was a sort of a mistake. I was not too sure. I just did not know where this was going.""We were together for four years. We had so much between us and you thought it was going nowhere? What did I not give you? What was missing, after all?"Oops. Wrong topic. Someone save me! But honestly, I really wanted this to get cleared between us. Probably this was my main motive to meet him. To get it cleared once and for all, face-to-face."Nothing. You were very nice to me. You loved me allot.""Exactly. Yet?""Look, I did not see this working out sitting in two different countries, chatting all our lives. And then I had different priorities.""I told you I will let you do what you want to.""It is easier said than done, S." "L, if you tried and if you loved me enough, this would have worked.""You think I did not try? Every time I was confused about our relationship and wanted to break up. I'd come back running to you, making efforts to make it work. We had everything. Everything was perfect."Holding my arm tight in anger, "Then what? What was wrong?" I thought I would never be able to answer him that question until this moment in our conversation. I could have easily screamed G's name then. I had skipped too many heartbeats, scared of the man sitting opposite to me, now.I was taken aback with his physical reaction or rather taken into that I had no reaction of my own."Look, you have no reason. You did not treat me right.""I am sorry for what I did. I know I should have not run away from the relationship the way I did.""If you would have talked to me, would I not understand? I always did, didn't I? Why did you have to cut all modes of interaction. Not replying to my mails, calls, pings, SMSs, nothing, whatsoever.""Look, I am sorry. It was a naive move. I should not have done it. I should have spoken to you. You understand me really well. In fact, I still thing, no one understands me the way you do.""Do you regret your decision?""Yes.""Good. You better.""I am sorry. Please. Really.", almost about to cry out of desperation. Desperate to get done with this situation, not to seek forgiveness."Would you marry me if things do not work out with F?""Ok, So I am your back up now?""No. You were my woman. The woman I wanted to live my entire life with, but you also happened to be the woman who hurt me the most, who betrayed me.""S...""Anyway... Would you?""What about G, then?""Oh! Yeah, I forgot.", giving a disgusted look, he turned his face away."Lets see... Could I fit you....", smiling."Why would there be a place for me?""If things do not work out with G and if you are able to convince my parents, then maybe.""Really?"I nod."I'd do anything to be with you. To keep you happy. To..."Uh Oh! Wrong topic, again.I smile, "Fine. When the situation arises then we would talk about it. And just in case it does not, we will have an extra marital. Deal?""No ya. F is a nice girl. I do not want to cheat on her."Okay. So you think you are one Greek God who deserves to cut the cake, have it and save some in the fridge for the next day too."Alright. Enough of good talks and bad talks. We should leave.""We just met.""Its been over two hours. Someone is coming to meet me. I have to go.""This is not fair. Give me your ticket. I am getting it cancelled.""S. Stop acting like this. At least we met. Something we thought would never happen.""I did not. You did.""Fine. I did..""And that is why you left me.""S...""Fine. I do not want us remembering our meeting with these conversations.""Exactly. Now, shall we leave?"We rise to leave, "L?""Yeah?""Can I please hug you?""Ofcourse."It was our first hug. I contemplated kissing on his cheek, but did not. Just didn't.

I have not been happier of a decision in my life. Breaking up with him after a long 'why do I want to break up' discussion never worked. I always cried and ran back to him within minutes with virtual Yahoo! hugs and kisses. I really was attached to him. He treated me like a Princess. He still would. He just knew how to treat his Lady Love like a Queen and spoil her till she started dancing like him. But this was not going to work for me in the future. I had known this for long. I knew he wanted an early marriage. I did not even know if I wanted one. He was in one country and I in another. We could meet or even make it work without meeting, but would that give me personal satisfaction? It was not working for me. It was not going to work for us. I knew it. And I had to stop wasting my time in such a relationship.

Why hold onto something that would give me nothing but would take allot from me and the other person? I had to stop this and I did. I blocked him from my life, mind, heart, which was not easy but blocking him on the Internet and ignoring his calls and SMSs made it easier. And with time it faded until I realized this was not a mature way to go about it or maybe when I felt emotionally stronger to face him again, only to find out his marriage is fixed with F. I cried to just get the shock out of my system.

My friend once said, "L, you think you will walk up to him after a year and he would still be there for you?" I fought over confidently. I knew he would. He was the sorts. Apparently, he was not. I did not feel a deep loss, just a bolt to my humongous ego. That is it.

Because this, undoubtedly, was so far the best decision I had ever taken for myself. The second was G. I am happier in life. I know what I am doing. And doing it effortlessly. Loving every bit of it.

Sorry S, I lied. I do not regret. WTF!? Did I really say 'yes' to him on that? Fuck Fuck Fuck! SLAP SLAP SLAP!

while i read the post yesterday, i took a while to munch on what i read before writing my comment.

The interesting thing about relationships is that each has a certain level of depth to which it goes. And sometimes the only way of finding out how deep one is to try and find out. the problem with relationships is that once you've put in the effort of going deep and have found its not deep enough its not so easy to pull out

On the lighter side like men are traditionally blamed for whole lot of things, commonly women are blamed for not knowing what they want till they have clearly gone past that opportunity in life...confused little creatures u r :P

I have been following your blog for a while, kind of a silent reader, I comment very rarely.

But I feel like puttin some thing here, when I read your blog I kinda a feel little disgusted and probably thats is the reason I kinda follow it.

Kinda one entry where you suggesting some one to break up with a guy after recievin some gifts, or some real disgusting stuff. Not being even honest bout things and all of that. Some real lapse in integrity of a person.

No point of what I am writtng,I know, not that I even care :) probably I just wanted to say I detest people like you.