Obama Chastises First Lady Over Unsightly Panty Lines

WASHINGTON – In a rare display of harsh criticism, President Obama lambasted First Lady Michelle Obama as she and the presidential children were preparing to board Air Force One. When the President first arrived on the tarmac he was all smiles as he waved to press members and staff that had gathered to see the family embark on their twenty-seven day Caribbean vacation. But Obama’s smile faded when he saw what his wife was wearing. After the initial wave of astonishment washed over him, the president’s face filled with scorn as he let fly a blur of caustic remarks that stunned even the more gruff military and secret service personnel standing nearby.

Staff Sargent Abraham Kelly told reporters that he was more shocked by the president’s wrath than he was by Mrs. Obama’s panty lines.

“When a panty line hugs a behind too tight, it’s not something that rests easy on the eyes. That being said, I think the president’s reaction was a bit over the top. He could have taken her aside and laid into her in private.”

Secret Service agent Stan “The Man” Gurgles said he understood Obama’s reaction to the first lady’s panty lines, but didn’t think the tarmac was an appropriate location for the reprimand.

“When well proportioned buttocks are overly embraced by an undergarment, the outer clothing layer is want to be loose, so as not to draw attention to the struggle underneath. With that in mind, I empathize with the president, though I feel his vexation may have been more suited in the privacy of Air Force One rather than the tarmac.”

A confidential source inside the White House suggested that President Obama was just retaliating from wounds he suffered when Mrs. Obama admonished him last summer for his dad jeans.

“Mrs. Obama mocked her husband for weeks regarding the jeans he wore at that baseball game. Even the presidential children giggled when they saw the photos. It really hurt the president’s feelings and some of us think he’s been waiting all this time to get revenge.”

After the president’s outburst on the tarmac, he refused to allow Mrs. Obama onto Air Force One until she changed her clothes. With her head down she returned to her limousine and was whisked away to an undisclosed location to change.

Over the years there have been several reports from White House insiders regarding Mrs. Obama’s disparaging remarks towards her husband’s wardrobe choices. A staffer recalled last year’s “dad jeans” fiasco.

“Oh yeah, I remember how Mrs. Obama talked to the president after he threw that baseball in his dad jeans,” the staffer said. “She was ruthless in her criticism and she wouldn’t let up. Every day she made insulting jabs about the jeans in front of staff and visitors. Her perpetual criticism slowly ate away at his self-esteem. It’s one of the reasons he was so slow in reacting to the Gulf oil spill that year. I really felt sorry for the president.”

“One day when the president returned from the golf course Mrs. Obama shrieked when she saw his attire. She belittled him in front of his staff, telling him that if he wanted to dress like a three year old, then he could sleep in a crib. She was brutal. When he tried to explain himself she gave him the hand! She told him, “talk to the hand, because the First Lady isn’t home.”I felt so sorry for him.”

Jay Carney issued a statement to the press today.

“President Obama would never berate his wife in front of others … panty lines or not.” Mr. Carney shuddered and stepped away from podium.