Saturday, March 19, 2011

How to: Have a Bitchin' Spring Break

It's that time of year again: Spring Break. We LOVE spring break. And no, we're not students. Why? Because fuck that. We're not the collegiate type and we definitely wouldn't do well in a fraternity or sorority situation, at least one of us knows that for sure. Spring break is an international holiday celebrated 'round the world (much like the 4th of July, Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Hannukah), regardless of your educational status. Knowing how to have fun in any circumstance, regardless of the situation, is a learned skill. Never been told you're the "life of the party"? Sucks for you. We hear that any time we make a public appearance. Much like our hit scavenger game, how to be a hit at family gatherings , we believe that Spring Break should be a joyous, playful event for everyone.

Behind the bar at Senor Frogs in Cozumel, Mexico. Note: Lauren is 15.

Much like food and water, we believe that EVERYONE deserves Spring Break (even those kids in the Christian "buy a child with 28 cents" infomercials.)

Before the playbook for your/our/everyone's perfect spring break, remember to be smart because dying on Spring Break (especially from alcohol poisoning or at the hands of a stranger) deducts every point you've earned and then some. If only takes you 3 beers to get drunk, buying more beers is a waste of money and will lengthen your recovery time. Don't take it from the booze companies, take it from us, PLEASE drink responsibily.

POSITIVES
+2 point each - Every photo taken of you when you dont look like shit (because, remember, you're supposed to be drunk the entire time)
+7 points - Have a one night stand with a frat boy/sorority girl (+10 if they're the same sex as you, everyone needs an embarassing gay story from spring break.)
+10 points - Each new sexual experience (never gone black/gay/been gang banged? here's your chance. blame it on this article when your friends find out. we dont give a fuck)
+5 points - Sleep on something that ISN'T a bed (bushes, sidewalks, patios, the beach, a stranger's floor, etc.)
+4 points - Make friends with a bartender (take this a run with it. Lauren got matching tattoos in Juarez with a bartender)
+5 - Taking shots before noon (+4 more if you are still taking shots at midnight [Expected])
+3 - Curing your hangover with a bloody mary (Remember though, the goal is to not ever GET hungover. In other words, dont give your body a chance to sober up. If you ARE hungover, do NOT draw attention to it. Put on your sunglasses and shut the fuck up. )
+3 - Curing your hangover with weed (+3 more if you are in a foreign country.)
+5 - Having a random stranger buy you a bottle (-2 if the bottle is made of plastic.)
+4 - Having a random stranger find you recreational drugs (+ 3 points if they're a local)
+8 - Having a conversation with someone despite the fact that neither one of you speaks the same language (Master the art of hand signals; "Give me," "Fuck you" and "Hand job.")
+6 - Getting lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the same night (+1 if you don't remember the adventure.)
+2 - Dancing on a bar during the day (Doing this during daylight hours will make people wish they were you, i.e. they wish they had the commiment to drink this much so early/have that much fun.)
+9 - Interacting with the police without getting arrested (If you get them to party with you, you've automatically won.)
+2 - Cheating and not getting caught (This is includes not getting caught by your conscious.)
+1 - Being involved in body shots (Obviously, only with someone as hot or hotter than you.)
+3 - Considering the orange wedge/olive/umbrella in your drink to be a meal (Fruits, vegetables, fiber.)
+2 - Having someone remember your name that you don't even recgonize (Note: it is irrelevant if they have a good opinion of you are not.)
+6 - Hooking up with someone whose age is completely inappropriate to you. (either a cougar if you're 18, or a college freshman if you're old. Remember kids: Check IDs.)
+2- Using a stranger/acquaintance for their booze/drugs (This is, also, generally expected.)

NEGATIVES
-8 - Saying you can't go out cause you are too hungover from last night. (If you don't generally party at this level, you should have been training. If you decided at the last minute to do spring break, buck up.)
-5 - Not having your body "spring break" ready. (This is more your opinion than anything. Remember, everyone is drunk, it hardly matters. Unless you are showing skin during the day, in which case, god didn't give us sarapes and t-shirts for nothing.)
-6 - Getting drunk and lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the next day (-1 if you don't remember the adventure.)
-2 - Dancing on a bar at night (Remember, thanks to us, people have been doing that for hours. Think of something more original to do with your liquid courage.)
-7 - Hooking up with someone ugly (Beer googles are never an excuse.)
-5 - Throwing up in public (only if someone notices. If you can do this steathily, no positive/negative points, just good for you.)
-4 - Dancing with someone gross (Anyone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt or anyone that's not wearing a shirt and would look better in an Ed Hardy shirt. i.e. Guidos, fatties and general losers)
-7 - Going to a hospital, for any reason (No excuses. -10 for needing to go to a hospital and not going.)
-3 - Cheating and getting caught (You can always blame it on the alcohol but, if you're going to be a skank, be a sneaky skank.)
-10 - Getting arrested and charged (By all means, do illegal things but just don't get caught.)
-2 - Eating three square meals in a day (Now is not the time to ruin your hot bod. Also, who needs that much food to potentially throw up?)
-5 - Losing your wallet/ID/camera/personal items (dignity is assumed to already be lost.)
-3 - Getting a sunburn (you should have been hitting the tanning bed, you knew this was coming.)
-1 - Using sunscreen (+4 if the person applying it is hot.)
-1 - Falling down in public (this is when it comes in handy to have a hot stranger, literally, on your arm.)
-10 - Committing statutory rape and being caught (but really, don't even do it in the first place. There's definitely enough hot people in the legal age bracket. [18-80])
-3 - Being used by a stranger/acquaintance for your booze/drugs (Now is not the time to show off how much money you have.)
-6 - Getting in a fight (friends, strangers, acquaintances/whoever. Chances are the fight is stupid. Make love, not war or... whatever.)
-2 - Reading anything besides bottle labels and drink menus (No books, food menus, magazines, travel, guides, maps, etc.)
-2 - Every photo taken of you where you look like total ass (Remember, people are out IN FORCE with cameras trying to make you look bad even though you're really making yourself look bad... also you can blame it on the alcohol.)

Ready, Set, Go!

(We'll have more shit for you to read when you stagger back to your computer.)

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Welcome...

The world can be a scary and confusing place. Sometimes all you need is a little ray of sunshine and some fairy dust (a cloud of pot smoke) to get you through. Well put on your sunglasses (you're probably hungover), we're re-examining what it means to be zen in the 21st century: a time idiots claim is the end of days.

Classy Lauren Brenner is a comedian and yoga teacher in Los Angeles, CA. She is a glorious pain in the ass with "Classy" tattooed on hers. Jordan is a prentetious, former professional dog walker from Denver with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.