Most of us don’t even scratch the surface of knowing who we really are, let alone figuring out what we have the potential to become. We are so confused that we keep oscillating between overconfidence and low self-esteem. One minute we are filled with a definite purpose for life and the next we move to the opposite end of the spectrum and are completely desolate.

Knowing ourselves better is a boon to our lives. We’re able to make smarter decisions about what’s best for us. We’re able to create more satisfying lives – lives that are based on our core values and personal priorities.

Often our identities contain a lot of “shoulds”. In other words, we strive to be what we think we should be. These “shoulds” may derive from society or our family and friends. I should like this. I should be that. I should behave in this way. I should say that. Who we are gets confused with and buried under the layers of who we think we should be. Strip away the “shoulds”, and think about who you really are. Simply ask, “Who am I?” You can start with statements like “I am a daughter” or “I am a writer” and progress to “I am happiest when I’m laughing with friends” or “I am learning to be kinder to myself.”

If we begin asking ourselves the right questions, it may take us to the answers we need to gain clarity in our own self-discovery and lead us to a more fulfilling and happy life.

Here are 28 questions that open the door to help you in having a real conversation with yourself. Spend some times on these and answer them as honestly as possible. You may find some uncomfortable and some difficult. Don’t filter your answers by what you think others may think but rather be true to yourself. This is how self-discovery begins. Enjoy!

What activity in your life lights you up with joy?

What is something you always love doing, even when you are tired or rushed? Why?

If a relationship or job makes you unhappy, do you choose to stay or leave?

What do you fear about leaving a bad job or a bad relationship?

What do you believe is possible for you?

What have you done in your life that you are most proud of?

What is the thing that you are second most proud of?

What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?

How does your being here in the universe change humanity for the better?

If you could have one single wish granted, what would it be?

How comfortable are you with your own mortality?

What is your highest core value?

To your best knowledge, how do other people perceive you?

How would you like others to perceive you?

How confident are you in your abilities to make decisions for yourself?

What is your biggest self-limiting belief?

Who is the most important person in your life?

Who is your greatest role model?

Who is a person that you don’t like yet you spend time with?

What is something that is true for you no matter what?

What is your moral compass in making difficult decisions?

What is one failure that you have turned into your greatest lesson?

What role does gratitude play in your life?

How do you feel about your parents?

How is your relationship with money?

How do you feel about growing old someday?

Do you believe your destiny is pre-determined or in your hands to shape however you wish?

What do you believe is the meaning of your life?

Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Tustin, CA. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.

One of the most common struggles that people come in to see me for is learning the art of letting go of the past. Many are stuck thinking about the wrongs that have been done to them and they are angry, frustrated, hurt, and sad. The unfortunate part about hanging on to those feelings is they continue to hurt and harm those that we love. That could mean hurting others that weren’t involved in the past misfortunes.

So let’s take a look at those past feelings. Those feelings aren’t really the past, they are the present. You are presently feeling angry, frustrated, hurt and/or sad. And it’s those feelings that are keeping the past alive.

What I first like to do with clients is to fester out all that the person is feeling, such as, anger, frustration, hurt, sadness – or any other feelings that they are experiencing.

Example –Client: “I am angry that my parents worked all day and I was left alone to fend for myself”. Therapist: “You are angry that you were left alone?” Client: “Yes!” Therapist: “Tell me more about that anger.” Client: “They should have been there for me!” Therapist: “Tell me what it was like to be alone.” Client: “I had no one to talk to, I was bored, at times I got scared.” Therapist: “So you were scared to?” Client: “Of course I was scared, I was just a kid!” Therapist: “Let’s talk about you feeling scared.” Client: “I was scared because what if someone tried to come into my home when I was alone?” What if I got injured and no one was there?” “Why didn’t they care enough about me to be home with me?” Therapist: “What I heard you say in the beginning was you were angry because you were left alone but I’m also hearing you were frightened and you felt your parents didn’t care about you.” Client: “Yes, I guess, I feel they must have not cared about me so they left me alone at home.”

So we move from just being angry to actually carrying around a feeling that the client’s parents’ “didn’t care”. The above is just a short snippet of working through feelings and there’s more involved. It’s a process of several sessions to fester everything out. It’s like peeling an onion and working through all the layers by identifying all the feelings that were experiences. As we identify all that had happened, it’s validated.

I hope this gives you an idea of how to pull out all the feelings. I don’t want anything ignored or left out. I want to hear about the experiences that are causing so much pain. But what do we do about them now?

Experiences of the past need to be validated and never brushed off. Events happened and the feelings of the past are real. I spend time with clients letting them “feel” all that they have identified. That could mean they sit in sadness, anger or grief – but just for a limited time. We then move on.

Now we get to the part where we let it all go! Memories are just thoughts and thoughts have no power – unless the person chooses to give it power. Some thoughts stick with us, we react to them, and we keep thinking about them. Ugh! To keep thinking about them serves no purpose.

Some things you shouldn’t do:• Make yourself forget about the past (you can not forget it)• Stuff or ignore your feelings• Wait for an apology or acknowledgment (if you never get an apology you will always sit in pain)• Wait for time to heal all wounds• Change the past (you can’t change what happened but you absolutely can change your reaction to what happened)

As a Cognitive Behavior Therapist I talk to my clients about how our feelings control our behavior. If you stay with anger, hurt and sadness, then they will become your reality. As an alternative, be open to moving forward. Prepare yourself to feel differently. Contemplate not defining yourself by thoughts about the past. Keep in mind, what you focus on, will become your present.

Many have been telling themselves their unfortunate life circumstances so many times that they aren’t allowing positive thoughts to come in. These negative thoughts keep you distracted from moving forward.

Some stuck thoughts that people hold on to:• “I want to stay stuck because I was wronged.”• “It is someone else’s responsibility to make this better for me.”• “If I let go, I’m somehow approving another person’s bad behavior.”• “I need an apology.”• “Life is unfair.”

Holding on to those thoughts, the constant reminder, will only keep your unfortunate experiences in the present. How you feel is your responsibility, no one else’s. Once you realize all the power that you have, you can begin the process of letting go.

Holding on to the past is like wearing a pair of shoes that are a bit too small for you. You can get your feet into them but they hurt like heck. It’s time to take them off and begin to enjoy comfort again.

Remember, you are in control of how you feel. Begin by thinking more positively. But it might not be so easy at first. You have to reinforce those positive thoughts and behaviors so they will stick. As with any sort of training, the more you practice, the better you get—and, yes, you can practice being positive.

Live for today. Live for and look for the positive in others. Embrace the positive aspects of your parents, spouse, children and friends.

When you start feeling like the idea of being a positive person is daunting, remind yourself that all it takes is one small step in the right direction to move yourself toward a more positive attitude.

Believe in yourself and remember the most important lesson of all: A positive outlook is a choice that you can always make.

Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Tustin, CA. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.

We set goals for ourselves, have big plans, can feel the success, the excitement is there, we’re off and running to a good start and then it all slowly peters out. Now the frustration sets in and we begin to tell ourselves we can’t succeed.

Wrong!

You can succeed! All you need is a better action plan. Staying motivated is partly the secret to reaching our goals. No matter what our goals are or how detailed we make them, if we can’t find the motivation to take consistent action, success will be difficult. However, if we can stay motivated and push through the tough times, breaking those bad habits that hold us back, well, anything is possible.

Multiple research studies have shown that many entrepreneurs will average a 3 – 5% failure rate for every success. But, they didn’t give up. They pushed through their weaknesses and eventually succeeded. That took motivation on their part. Without the same motivation, that they had, we get stuck in neutral, and then become filled with regret, anxiety and fear.

Below are some strategies that will help you to keep your motivation going so that you can achieve your goals.

1. No DistractionsThis seems obvious but most of us feel that having our cell phone nearby, the Internet or a tv/radio running in the room won’t cause a problem but that’s far from the case. Shut everything off! There is no urgent need to check Twitter or Facebook for the latest happenings! If it’s on and nearby you will do that. Keep it all off.

2. Find a new LocationDon’t work where familiar distractions will thwart your effort to work. Go to a coffee shop, the library, the conference room at your work or a table at the park. By moving to a different location there is nothing handy for you to grab, read, or turn on as a way to escape your work.

3. Don’t ProcrastinateThis isn’t an easy one. People tend to put off what they don’t want to do.

Try the 15-minute rule. Use your smartphone or smart watch (the one I told you earlier to keep off – ha!) and set the timer for 15 minutes. Tell yourself that you’ll work at your task for those 15 minutes with no distractions. Then you can take a break. In most cases, you will go beyond the 15 minutes and stay with what you are working on. The most difficult part is getting started.

4. Break it down and make a To-Do listTake your big project and cut in down into smaller chunks. Then put small to-do items on a list. When we look at the enormity of our project it can be overwhelming. So take a small portion of it and put it on a list to get done that day. Make sure it’s doable for that day. Every small piece you get completed moves you closer to your goal.

5. Create a Weekly Action PlanSchedule time in your appointment book to work on your project - just as you would schedule a meeting. Break your project down in small increments and plan time over the week to work on it. If we don’t plan ahead we tend to whittle the day away by telling ourselves we’ll get to it later. Pick a time, schedule it, and then attend your own meeting of getting your work done. Know that the meeting time has an end and when you reach your ending time feel free to move away from your work area and go for a walk. Remember, you have scheduled another meeting with yourself in a day or two, which you can get back to working on your goal.

6. Dispel your FearsThere are over 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts that run through our minds in a given day, according to The National Science Foundation. We’re unaware of most of those thoughts as they take place in the subconscious mind. But, a large portion of our thoughts is fear-based. What if this happens? Or what if that happens? What will I do if this occurs? What if I lose my job?

We ask ourselves fear-based questions without even consciously being aware of it. For that reason, if we want to get and stay motivated, we have to dispel our fears.

Write down all of your fears and why you’re afraid of those things. Then, create an excuse explaining why each of those reasons isn’t true. Think about past experiences where you’ve pulled through or accomplished something you didn’t think was possible. Focus on your successes of the past! There’s real power to bringing the subconscious fears into the conscious and dispelling them.

7. Visualize your FutureOnce you have your goals, you can get and stay motivated by visualizing your future. What will life be like when you achieve your goals? Where will you live? What will you do for work? What will you enjoy in your free time? What places will you travel to? Spend some time visualizing your future by writing out a detailed description of how life will be like when you achieve your long-term goals.

8. Find a MentorA great way to avoid losing motivation is to find a mentor. Mentors can help us in so many ways. And while there’s no one specific way to find a mentor, you should certainly get out there and locate one that can help push you and inspire you to achieve your dreams.

Whether it’s a successful businessperson that you meet through a friend, or someone in your family, find someone who can help coach you along.

Keep in mind that success won’t be easy no matter what. It’s easy to lose motivation for anyone. But turning to a mentor can help to bring all that hard work you’re doing into perspective.

9. Channel the Little Engine That CouldA person’s drive is often based on what she believes about her abilities, not on how objectively talented she is, according to research by Albert Bandura, a professor of psychology at Stanford University. His work has shown that people who have perceived self-efficacy (that is, the belief that they can accomplish what they set out to do) perform better than those who don’t.

“Self-efficacy beliefs provide the foundation for human motivation, well-being, and personal accomplishment. This is because unless people believe that their actions can produce the outcomes they desire, they have little incentive to act or to persevere in the face of difficulties. Much empirical evidence now supports Bandura’s contention that self-efficacy beliefs touch virtually every aspect of people’s lives—whether they think productively, self-debilitatingly, pessimistically or optimistically; how well they motivate themselves and persevere in the face of adversities; their vulnerability to stress and depression, and the life choices they make.” (Pajares, 2002)

10. Be ConsistentIt’s important to be consistent with your work, "take consistent action every single day." This means that even if you're totally not in the mood, do one small proactive thing that will move you towards your ultimate goal — even if it's just a Tweet.

Staying motivated is absolutely within your reach — it's often just about keeping your end goal in mind and breaking down the larger end result into manageable smaller steps. Remember — you can do it!

Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Tustin, CA. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.

We are officially two weeks into the new year. For those of you who made resolutions how are they going? For many of you, your resolutions have probably already slipped to the back burner. That’s okay. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

What is a resolution anyway?resolution |ˌrezəˈlo͞oSHən| noun1 a firm decision to do or not to do something: "she kept her resolution not to see Anne any more" | a New Year's resolution. • a formal expression of opinion or intention agreed on by a legislative body, committee, or other formal meeting, typically after taking a vote: the conference passed two resolutions. • the quality of being determined or resolute: "he handled the last French actions of the war with resolution".2 the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter: the peaceful resolution of all disputes | a successful resolution to the problem.

A resolution sounds so definite. It’s a hard word. But how about if you work on “goals”? Setting goals are much easier and gives one a little more leeway. Goals for me sounds like a soft word, more fluid.

goal |gōl| noun1 the object of a person's ambition or effort; an aim or desired result: "going to law school has become the most important goal in his life." • the destination of a journey: "the aircraft bumped toward our goal some 400 miles to the west".• literary a point marking the end of a race.

Goals seem a bit more realistic. A goal for me is more about the journey, about something I am striving for. Less pressure. I think we all need less pressure.

As we begin 2015 what are some goals you’d like to accomplish? Not resolutions but something you’d “like” to accomplish.

Here are some goals that may work for you;

Communicate in writing That means get a pen, paper, and a stamp and actually write a note or letter to someone. No one communicates in writing anymore. Everything seems to be via email or text. How about making a goal of writing to someone at least once a month? Nothing major.. maybe just a note letting someone know you’re thinking of them.

Show gratitude Our days fly by without us being grateful for the little things. Slow down, appreciate whats around you and be thankful. How about being thankful for food, shelter, security, warmth, rest and relationships? No a difficult goal.

Seek Opportunities Rather than waiting for events to present themselves, start by actively seeking opportunities to meet people, gather new ideas, learn more about your industry and just connect and share.

Keep Learning Read, take a community class, attend trainings, sign up for seminars, webcasts, ask questions, try new things and seek out people you’d like to emulate.

I think all of these “goals” are very doable. No pressure. There’s a lot of fluidity in the items listed. I’m sure you can develop others that are manageable and will work for you. So, go ahead. Come up with some doable goals. In the end, when you accomplish your goal(s), you will feel really great. =)

Liz Birch

I'm a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, who works with individuals, couples and families. I'm also a thinker, doer, caregiver and idealist. I hope I inspire you to take risks and step out of your comfort zone. You might be surprised what you discover.