West Point Revokes Diplomas Of Confederate Graduates

WEST POINT, N.Y. ─ Following the decision of the South Carolina government to remove the Confederate flag from a state memorial, and the subsequent, nation-wide uproar over all things Confederate, West Point has announced that it will posthumously revoke the diplomas of all cadets who graduated from the Academy and fought for the South during the Civil War.

“This sends a clear message to slave-owners and those who would fight for such a horrific cause that 150 years after most of them died we will not tolerate such atrocities on American soil,” said Lt. Col. Thomas Jackson, a spokesman for the school.

When asked if this decision signaled a change in the Army’s stance on not changing the names of bases named after Confederate officers, most of whom graduated from West Point, Jackson replied that it did not. The cost of altering the signs, street names, maps, military shipping inventories, and other changes necessary to implement the removal just so people wouldn’t be offended would be astronomical, he explained.

“But this is no small matter,” he added. “A revoked graduate status means they will no longer be able to order transcripts, obtain early tickets for West Point football games, or receive their 10 percent discount at the Cadet Bookstore.”

The ceremony will be held next week, when cadets will symbolically burn hundreds of recreated, historically accurate diplomas in a bonfire at the cadet monument. After the diplomas are consumed in the blaze, the monument will be torn down, since it was built to honor Vincent Lowe, a cadet who died in an 1817 artillery misfire and had an uncle who once owned a slave, explained a source familiar with the event.

Jackson also said that USMA leaders are debating the merits of removing Gen. Robert E. Lee’s half of the Appomattox surrender document that ended the Civil War, currently stored in the Cadet Library.

Report: every warrant officer in the Army is still worthless

A comprehensive study released today of all motor pools, supply shops, and personnel stations in the Army concludes that every single warrant officer in the service remains totally and infuriatingly useless.

The main finding comes without great surprise, but a key observation has raised concerns that warrant officers may in fact waste resources and reduce readiness and morale.

“We’re talking costs around paying and giving benefits to these officers, but we’re also talking about the collateral damage of giving them any power or authority whatsoever,” said Devin Wilson, lead author of the exhaustive 7,000-page RAND study.

Wilson points to measurable losses incurred when leaders break anything near them in a fit of rage at the dearth of utility they find in their warrant officers.

“The very existence of a warrant officer is fraud, waste, and abuse, according to our research,” he added.

The study, “which of course excludes helicopter pilots, who are awesome,” surveyed and observed every non-aviation warrant officer in the Army for a five-year period and concluded that the prototypical subject had the “smugness of a top-of-his-class West Point lieutenant combined with the laziness and apathy of a three-times-non-promoted staff NCO.”

Report: Jody opening your wife’s border while you protect ours

DONNA, Texas — Many U.S. Army spouses and their extramarital lovers are rejoicing following the deployment of their partners to the Mexican Border in support of border security operations, according to reports.

It also marked the first opportunity for the partners of those deployed troops to openly philander in their now spouse-less household, a chance some are choosing not to let slip by.

“I thought he would never get deployed, honestly,” said Audrey Timmons, whose husband, Spc. Jason Timmons of Headquarters Battalion, 4th Infantry Division, is currently serving near the border. “I have been itching to get into some strange for a while now. All of my friends who married into the military say it’s what has kept their marriages going for so long.”

The opportunity to philander isn’t only a celebration for those whose spouses are deployed, but also for eager-to-ruin-a-marriage soldiers and civilians, commonly referred to as “Jody” in military circles.

Chad Stevens, a self-described “lifetime Jody” and mechanic at a local auto body shop located near Fort Carson, Co., home to the 4th Infantry Division, says he plans to “wreck some first sergeant’s wife into oblivion” during the course of the unit’s time away.

“I mean everybody in the country knows this mission is a complete joke, but, yeah this was definitely a nice little surprise,” Stevens said. “Afghanistan has been drawing down for a few years now, so people have been coming back and fixing their marriages and shit, and that has really put a damper on my sex life considering all the action I get is from lonely military housewives. I am really looking forward to getting back out there.”

When asked if he considers his behavior or the cheating spouses’ actions to be in poor taste, Stevens was quick to defend, calling himself “a true patriot.”

“Look, I am giving just as much to the overall mission as these deployed soldiers are,” he said. “While they’re out there on the front lines serving our country and protecting us from that caravan of immigrants, which may or may not actually be real, I’m in their houses, on their sofas, in their showers, and on their beds, servicing their wives.”

Soldiers currently supporting border security operations will be gone until mid-December, and although not a typical U.S. Army deployment length, the mission still allows “plenty of time for spouses to cheat,” according to Sandy Alderman, the Family Readiness Group lead to Headquarters Battalion, 4th Infantry Division and the now third wife to its commander, Col. Brian Alderman.

“The odds haven’t been this high since Desert Storm,” Alderman said. “All we can do is support those soldiers who undoubtedly will be cheated on, man or woman. I urge those folks to just take care of themselves, and just know that you are fighting the good fight and helping make our country great again.”

Gen. Terrence O’Shaughnessy, commander of the U.S. Northern Command and North American Aerospace Defense Command, and Kevin McAleenan, the Customs and Border Protection commissioner, shared similar sentiments in regards to the mission during a news conference last week, referring to the current immigration status as a “humanitarian crisis” and that the focus of the mission, is to “harden the points of entry.”

Stevens, however, remains bullish on the border situation in Mexico.

“There is no crisis, everybody knows that. The only crisis is the stain I am about to leave on all those soldiers’ sheets,” he said, winking emphatically. “In fact, I’m going to be opening a lot of borders, if you know what I mean. And make no mistake, I will be hard at the point of entry.”

Troops deploy to Alamo for dramatic last stand against migrant caravan

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In response to rising border tensions, President Donald Trump has ordered the National Guard and some active duty units to defend the Alamo against the incoming migrant caravan.

“There is no way we are letting the Mexicans win this time,” said Trump of his 15,000-man force crammed into the five acre historic site 300 miles from the border.

The administration conceded that the centuries-old mission walls wouldn’t provide the ideal defense against the procession of bad hombres, but that it would “just have to do” until the great wall is erected.

“I thought it would be bigger,” the president allegedly whispered to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Joseph Dunford, upon visiting the fort.

“It’s not so bad.” said Pvt. Jeffrey Crockett of the Tennessee National Guard. “We’ve got a nice view of downtown San Antonio and there’s even a Cheesecake Factory down the road!”

Two blocks away, the U.S. Navy has been ordered to conduct riverine patrols of the Historic San Antonio River Walk. The service has been tasked with maintaining control of the narrow, Disney Land-esque waterway against drug smugglers and drunk tourists alike.

“War is hell,” shouted an unidentified swift boat sailor, face painted like child at a carnival, cotton candy in one hand, an M-16 in the other, CCR’s “Fortunate Son” blaring from his iPhone speakers.

Trump has faced fierce criticism over his use of force and a supposedly unclear mission.

“This stunt is simply un-American, and I can’t stand for it,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic House minority leader, who has gone down to the border town of McAllen, Texas to meet the caravan with open arms and several thousand voter registration forms for the 2020 election.

“It is truly sickening what some people will do for their political agendas.”

At press time, Trump was feverishly planning his next move to secure our borders: setting up a Coast Guard flotilla to defend Lake Erie from the Canadians in the event they “try to pull a fast one like they did in 1812.”

Drinking eight Rip Its a day could help you live longer, study by specialist with no teeth says

FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — An intensive 10 year study completed by a U.S. Army soldier with pus-filled abscesses where his teeth used to be suggests that drinking in excess of eight Rip-Its per day may help humans live longer, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Brett Luers, who was both the subject and administrator of the study, told reporters that he estimates he could extend his life indefinitely by simply drinking the patriotic energy drinks in lieu of food and water for the foreseeable future.

“I think the results speak for themselves,” said Luers struggling to stand at the dais while addressing reporters. “Only Rip Its have touched these lips for the past 10 years, and I feel amazing.”

Luers told members of the press that there were times he should have rightfully died, but he credits the heavily caffeinated “wonder serum” with saving his life.

“There was that one time when [Pvt. 1st Class] Peters stabbed me after I bet he couldn’t,” said an emaciated Luers, wheezing into the microphone. “And that other time when I jumped off of the roof of the barracks because I huffed too much starter fluid from the motor pool and thought I was covered in camel spiders. Both times I should’ve been dead.”

“But here I am,” said Luers pointing two sore-ridden thumbs at himself. “Fit as a fiddle.”

While some say that the study’s results are skewed based on the singular sample size, there are those in the scientific community who believe there is a kernel of truth to the research.

“I peer reviewed [Luers’] results and have no idea how he has lived this long,” says Dr. Lydia Brownfield, chief of epidemiology at the University of Michigan’s School of Public Health. “He has been in renal failure for the past eight years and developed scurvy, yet his virility has increased over 500 percent.”

Brownfield gestured to a cork board that contained the information of over a dozen illegitimate children that share Luers’ thirst for dangerously caffeinated energy drinks.

“I have no idea how his reproductive system is functioning,” said Brownfield. “He is a truly a medical miracle, and the only thing I can attribute it to are the Rip Its.”

Luers is currently preparing for a press tour to promote the revolutionary study but will have to delay until his barracks is removed from quarantine. Authorities reported numerous cases of the once-eradicated yaws — a chronic bacterial infection — after a recent inspection of Luers’ room.

Army creates cyborg that can become homeless alcoholic 200 times faster than human counterparts

WASHINGTON — The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) announced today their development of a hybrid man-machine soldier that can become a booze-soaked, homeless wreck more quickly than humans, exceeding Defense Department goals.

Engineers at DARPA designed the Cybernetic-Human Integrated Patrol Infantryman (CHIPI) for the Army and assigned it the Military Occupational Specialty 11T (Terminator). CHIPI performed admirably as an infantry killing machine during his first assignment in Afghanistan.

The Army assigned CHIPI to the Pentagon in a complete mismatch to his skills, a common procedure.

“We thought CHIPI’s super-human strength and intelligence could improve the speed of Army staff work,” said DARPA spokesman Mitch Burmeister. “It seemed to make sense at the time.”

“On his first day, CHIPI was productive for about two hours, which is more than we get out of most colonels,” Burmeister said. “But then his artificial intelligence algorithms rapidly processed that his work was pointless, the leadership sucked, and being sidelined out of his job field, his prospects for promotion were zero.”

“Like many redeploying infantrymen, CHIPI also realized that few job prospects exist in the civilian world for a super soldier whose primary skills are working long shifts and instantaneously shooting things with amazing accuracy, at least not outside of the St. Louis Police Department,” he added.

Within one day, CHIPI resigned and processed his own discharge. With no need to sleep for his cybernetic body, CHIPI had blown his entire savings on alcohol, sports cars, and video games by the end of the weekend.

“He married and divorced two strippers in 20 minutes and that was while slamming tequila and playing ‘Assassin’s Creed,’ nonstop,” said Burmeister. “That beat the previous record held by a Marine lance corporal at Camp Lejeune.”

“Usually it takes months or years for people to lose their shit this completely. He really exceeded our expectations,” he added.

Based on this success, DARPA plans to develop a cybernetic Veterans Affairs employee that can provide the same recovery assistance 200 times less efficiently than human counterparts.

New ALARACT authorizes military police to ticket Army regulation violators

WASHINGTON — The Office of the Chief of Staff of the Army has issued a new All-Army Activities message, or ALARACT, empowering military police with punitive authority to issue monetary citations for infractions of Army regulations such as uniform wear and appearance, hair, grooming, and height-and-weight standards, sources confirmed today.

Local military police detachments are now authorized to issue on-the-spot citations for infractions, with an associated monetary fine which will be deducted directly from the offender’s base pay upon final adjudication of the citation, according to details of the message.

“The biggest target of this policy is going to be those repeat-offender soldiers who can’t seem to stop looking like a sock drawer come to life,” said a spokesman for Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley. “These are the sorts of low performers who don’t really care about signing a counseling statement but notice when it hits their wallet. So we’re going to make it hurt a little.”

The severity of the infraction will determine the nature of the fine. An out-of-regulation haircut, for instance, might only result in a verbal or written warning for a first offense. Repeat offenses will incur fines which increase proportionally with each successive offense.

Failure to observe customs and courtesies, such as failing to render a salute or the greeting of the day as appropriate, subjects the offender to a fine of no less than $40. More severe infractions, such as presenting an appearance that suggests excessive body fat, could subject the suspected offender to a field tape test. Testing positive for excess body fat will lead to a minimum fine of $200 and immediate enrollment in the Army Body Composition Program in accordance with AR 600-9.

The policy marks a major win for senior leaders who have long bemoaned a lack of effective tools for combating a decline in good order and discipline that doesn’t require extra time or effort, or drastically altering or detoxifying their leadership style in any meaningful way.

“Finally, we can do something about these turds who just go rolling around post looking like a CIF threw up on a middle-schooler,” said a garrison sergeant major. “It’s about time that we as leaders are able to dispense all that time-wasting hassle of fostering and developing individual soldier discipline and pride because what leader actually has time to personally mentor subordinates?” Better to let the ones who already have that take care of doing the right thing on their own with no feedback so we can focus on hammering the slack-jaws who’d rather whine about how no one’s ever taken the time to show them.”

Pentagon officials dismissed critics of the new policy and called it a thinly disguised money grab by an already cash-strapped Army.

“Soldiers can easily avoid fines by observing and adhering to Army regulations,” a spokesman said.

Army top brass are finalizing language that will provide exceptions for senior ranks after a staggering 470 citations were issued at the Pentagon alone after the publication of the policy, totaling a cumulative dollar amount of over $100,000, mostly for violations of AR 600-9.

Colleagues grew concerned last month when they witnessed Sgt. Andrew Hawthorne having rational conversations at a reasonable volume with lower-ranking service members on multiple occasions, according to his platoon sergeant, Sgt. 1st Class Greg Bolster.

“I knew for sure something was wrong when he asked [the personnel officer] about a pay issue for one of his soldiers,” said Bolster. “I have never even heard of soldiers getting paid on time, so this was big indicator for me.”

After weeks of seeming aloof and dedicated to the development of his squad members, Hawthorne was referred to Womack Army Medical Center. His rate of deterioration shocked doctors who had never seen a case of TBI that advanced.

“Traumatic brain injuries get better over time, so it is a little frightening to think about how effective Hawthorne had been immediately after his injury,” said head of neurology Dr. Laura Penwarden. “I am just glad we caught this before he offered advice on how to manage finances.”

While these types of wounds can manifest themselves in many ways, it is not surprising to observe behavior this out of character for an NCO, according to Penwarden. Perhaps most concerning, however, is Hawthorne’s repression of the incident that left him so scarred.

“Hawthorne denies ever having been hit by an IED or any other direct blunt force trauma to the head, but that is just his brain’s way of coping with the emotional scars and social stigma of asking for help,” said Penwarden.

Penwarden implored other service members to help their battle buddies by looking for other signs of TBI including releasing subordinates at a reasonable hour, submitting high performers for awards, and using words in the correct context.

“As long as we are vigilant and can recognize the signs, we can make sure soldiers get the help they deserve,” Penwarden added.

While it is a long road for recovery, Hawthorne said he isn’t letting his disability stand in the way of a successful Army career.

“I honestly don’t know what everyone is talking about,” Hawthorne told reporters while strapped to a gurney for his own safety. “Can someone please tell me what is going on?”

Surgeons are optimistic about Hawthorne’s long-term prognosis and are confident that a trans-orbital lobotomy will make him an outstanding NCO once again.

West Point cadet hoping to sort into Slytherin

WEST POINT, N.Y. – From the moment he stepped onto, as he calls it, Apron 9 ¾, West Point Fourth Classman Blaise Boodlesworthy has been waiting for the end of beast barracks when he heard the cadets will gather in Eisenhower Hall under the watchful portraits of many headmaster generals to be sorted in their houses.

“The sorting hat knows best, but I’ve always known in my heart that I’m a Slytherin,” Boodlesworthy said. “Otherwise, I never would have gone to West Point.”

Though the sorting hat ceremony has not been listed on any training schedule or announced in the instructions he received over the summer, the gray arches, imposing stone and green fields of the United States Military Academy, have reassured Boodlesworthy that West Point is the perfect place for a Slytherin.

“Better Hufflepuff than Slytherin,” mumbled Sergeant 1st Class Hagrid, Boodlesworthy’s TAC NCO, a West Point washout himself. “There wasn’t a single chief of staff of the Army who didn’t come from Slytherin.”

Each house has been represented at West Point over the years with varying results. However, approximately 85 percent of West Point cadets are Slytherins. A few Hufflepuffs pop up every year and branch quartermaster or transfer to the Air Force. Ravenclaws are known to graduate after many hours of fatigue duty and fights in the Firstie Club. Exactly one cadet sorted into Gryffindor. He immediately requested a release to become enlisted. He is now in Ranger Reg and hates everything.

Boodlesworthy has been dreaming of joining the House of Slytherin since Hagrid appeared to him in the cupboard under the stairs in his mom’s basement and whispered, “You’re an officer, Blaise.”

However, since coming to West Point, Boodlesworthy’s entitlement, hijinx, and sense that’s he the chosen boy who can fight the Global War on He Who Must Not be Named has earned him many walks in the yard and most likely will make his first platoon frag him.

“Ambitious, shrewd, cunning.” grumbled Hagrid. “Focused on self-preservation. That’d be the lot of them. Far better than Hufflepuff. Might as well gone to the Air Force Academy than be a Hufflepuff.”