Sloss takes on the estimations of Scotland

Daniel Sloss has released The Estimated Guide to Scotland (Pic: Mikael Buck)

Published:11:49Friday 19 May 2017

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Scottish comedian Daniel Sloss has launched a new guide based on the worldview of Scotland, its people, traditions and culture to highlight the ridiculousness of estimations.

The stand-up, who grew up in Fife, taps into his own travels to take a wry look at the reality of our country, and how it differs from the estimates.

For example: Take swearing – it’s estimated that Scots swear 100 times a day.

Sloss’ view is that ‘‘Scots have actually made up more non-swear words than anyone to avoid swearing, like bampot and numpty – and 13 per cent of Scots say they never use bad language.

‘‘The Estimated Guide to Scotland’’ goes on to take a light-hearted look at inaccurate estimates that the comedian has experienced on his comic travels – including the assumption that Scottish men wear kilts every day of the year (64 per cent say they never have), and eat haggis at least once a week (21 per cent have never touched the stuff)

The alternative guide has been released in an effort to debunk and bring an end to estimated readings of Scotland – in the same way that smart meters, which are being installed in every household in Scotland and Great Britain.

Daniel said:: “My job means I get to travel the world to perform, and I’ve always found estimations of our people and cultures to be a bit easy and often inaccurate.

‘‘Like we don’t all have red hair, wear kilts or have bad teeth but when tourists come over we definitely do have a 50-foot beast in Loch Ness that only eats toffee.

‘‘In the Estimated Guide to Scotland I’ve set out to research, discuss and explore just what estimates of us, the North of the Wall Wildings, are accurate, close to the truth or just complete nonsense.”

DANIEL SLOSS’ TOP TEN ESTIMATED READINGS OF SCOTLAND

1. Loch Ness Monster

Estimation: There is a 50-foot mythical beast in Loch Ness called Nessie.

Reality: If estimations were accurate there would be a 1,500 year-old beast living in a well-explored body of water that has never been found (despite bringing in an estimated one million tourists each year).

2. Redheads

Estimation: A fifth of the world’s redheads are Scottish.

Reality: If a fifth of the world’s redheads were Scottish, there would be an extra 28 million Scots living today (more than five times the existing population).

3. Swearing

Estimation: Scots swear 100 times a day.

Reality: Scots have actually made up more non-swear words than anyone to avoid swearing, like bawbag, bampot, numpty and pillock. And 13 per cent of Scots say they never use bad language.

4. Kilts

Estimation: Scottish men wear kilts every day of the year.

Reality: Scots only wear kilts on special occasions, and 64 per cent of Scottish men say they never wear a kilt.

5. Thrifty

Estimation: Scottish people give small tips.

Reality: Scots are incredibly generous, and almost half (49 per cent) regularly give to charity – more than any other part of the UK.

6. IQ Level

Estimation: Scottish people have a lower than average IQ

Reality: Historically the Scots have been responsible for some of the most important discoveries and inventions of our time – including the television, telephones and steam engines.

7. Alcohol

Estimation: Scots drink whisky everyday

Reality: Despite inventing it, half of the adult population (50 per cent) never drink whisky.

8. Food

Estimation: Scots eat Haggis at least once a week

Reality: One in five (21 per cent) never eat Haggis while 14 per cent say they only eat it on special occasions.

9. Football

Estimation: Scotland lose more football matches than they win

Reality: The national football team have a win rate of nearly 50 per cent (much higher than their loss rate), and two-thirds of English Premier League titles have been managed by Scotsmen (Sir Alex Ferguson and Kenny Dalglish).

10. William Wallace

Estimation: William Wallace was seven feet tall

Reality: Although the average height at the time was just over five feet, William Wallace was believed to be 6ft 7 inches based on the belief that he would have needed to be this height to effectively use his 5ft 4 inches sword.

The Estimated Guide to Scotland is available to view or download for free at Smart Energy