Second City DYING to Catch Not-So-New Axis of Evil

“My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they’re going to stay that way.“— Al Capone (1899-1947)

Dear readers, whilst the baseball mavericks in New York, Boston and New York haggle and jockey for the mightiest and heftiest of major league players (the Sabathias, the Burnetts, the Mannys, the Teixeiras, the K-Rods, the Putzes, blah blah blah) both Chicago teams — the ugly step-sisters of large market franchises — have been busy making equally impressive moves that not only represent the unattested clout of the City of Big Shoulders but also prove that no matter how much money the Northeast Axis of Evil throws at free agents, Chicago still has that good ‘ole familiar, untouchable charm.

“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.“ — Al Capone

Perhaps this was the motivation for Joey Gathright to become a Cub. Now that’s clout! When I first heard the news, I thought to myself: Wow, the Cubs really showed ’em who’s boss with that move. Take that Jake Peavy and Kevin Towers. Yeah, take that. The Cubs got Gathright. Whoowee, watch out world!

But the Chicago melee of off-season moves didn’t just stop there! No, the White Sox kept ’em comin’ with that miraculous acquisition of Wilson Betemit and mind-blowing one-year signing of DeWayne Wise!

You hear that? He’s “dying” to talk to we citizens of Illinois. Dying! See, our seedy politicians don’t just quit when the heat starts coming down on them. No. They stick around, hire expensive, slick-talkin’ lawyers and go for winter jogs in Ravenswood! BOO-YEAH!

Of course, New York (and you too, Boston), it should be known that Chicago isn’t just a harbor for back-alley gangsters and pay-to-play nepotists; no, we also breed crooked wife-killin’ cops who not only get away with murder but crooked wife-killin’ cops who get away with murder TWICE! Then we celebrate when said crooked wife-killin’ cop gets engaged… again! Duh, my friends. Everyone knows that happiness comes in threes. The Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times are already preparing for the inevitable, mysterious disappearance of Drew Peterson’s latest (and perhaps craziest?) fiancé — what normal people call “murder” — but this is Chicago! We do things our way — the US American way!

Look, it’s true. I love Chicago. I really do. It has character, it has heart, it has Oprah.

And yes, when it comes to dueling with the New Yorks (and subsequent Bostons) of the world, certainly, we have an inferiority complex bigger than Rush Limbaugh’s mouth at an all-you-can-eat Ponderosa buffet; but the fact remains:

9 comments

…you posted that as a comment on the bottom of my MLB Network article now on the MLB.com homepage. Not sure I follow you since there’s no buffering on cable TV unless I’m missing something. It’s not an MLB.TV article…one’s our streaming service from MLBAM and one’s the new cable network (which I was writing about)…no buffering! Number 1 ranked blogs gotta know that. 🙂

“A total mensch.”
Well, in that case, Jane, we Southsiders got the better end of that deal because you got Swish, who is a total LUSH. He too strikes out with the bases loaded, but the bases aren’t all that’s “loaded” if you know what I mean.
–Jeff

Your Chicago pols put ours here in Boston to shame! And you make Whitey look second class! Good luck! Who knows – maybe this will be Chicago’s year! There could always be an earthquake that will knock everything from NY east into the ocean!

“Wilson Betemit will prove it in 2009.”
^LOL, I hiiiighly doubt that, but if by some miracle that happens, I will give him and ChiSox fans a round of applause.
P.S. Despite all that you’ve mentioned.. I’m still going to have to disagree with you and say sorry, New York is much more awesome. I mean, New York is the only city that can be described as a city where genuine kindness is considered creepy, eye contact might as well be a death sentence and even public bathrooms can be turned into an amusement park for tourists.. I kid you not. Gotta see this vid: http://www.charmin.com/en_us/pages/restrooms/broll_video.html
V – http://flairforthedramatic.mlblogs.com

Yay, for Chi-Town! Sounds like I’ve got you all on my side! Julia, hoping for that earthquake and yes, Matt, brochure is in the mail… don’t mind the spots of blood on it. It’s just er… eh… ketchup. Yeah, it’s ketchup. V, will check that vid out when I am not at my office computer — something tells me I shouldn’t look at it while I should be working 😉
–Jeff