There is a bird in a poem by T. S. Eliot who says that mankind cannot bear very much reality; but the bird is mistaken. A man can endure the entire weight of the universe for eighty years. It is unreality that he cannot bear.

Ursla Le Guin (1929-2018)

The Lathe of Heaven, 1971

The Four Agreements

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for
children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The
Little Prince

Children are domesticated the same way that we
domesticate a dog, a cat, or any other animal. In order to teach a dog we
punish the dog and we give it rewards. We train our children whom we love
so much in the same way we domesticate any animal: with a system of punishment
and reward.

Don Miguel Ruiz The Four
Agreements

If you are interested in learning about yourself then spend time with very
young children. I hesitate to use the word teach, because in my experience
young children resist being taught. Learning is another matter. Young children
live to learn. Or to put it another way living is learning for them.

Don Miguel Ruiz writes that young children are wild, wild in the sense of
being undomesticated. They are wild, wild like the wind. And this gives us
a strong clue about how to reach them. If you are familiar with Aesop's fables
then you will know the fate of the mighty oak. It was uprooted and broken
by the storm while the bullrushes prospered by bending with the gale. When
approaching small children it is imperative to bend like the bullrushes. The
more we assume positions of authority, the more we stand on our dignity, the
more we expect to be followed the less we will actually achieve.

This isn't completely true.

Adults are bigger and stronger than children. We can use threat, intimidation
and violence to contain and control children. Like Solomon we can imprison
the free spirits into bottles and lock them away. We can force children to
conform. One has only to look around the World to see the result. This article,
then, focuses, on how teachers can 'be' with young children. And since the
book is still resonating with me I'll use the model of the four agreements…

Agreement One:

Be Impeccable in Your Word

Young children are in the process of discovering the World. Anything and
everything can be a source of fascination to them. They naturally look up
to and wish to emulate the adults around them. Accordingly, as adults, we
should be very careful about the projections we give. If we wish children
to be truthful and honest we need to be truthful and honest with them. So
for example, if we agree to play a particular game next time, we should play
that game next time. If we promise to do something we should do it. We should
resist the temptation to manipulate and confuse in order to get our own way.
Further, we should be very careful about our stories. Christmas has just gone.
In my classes we came across Santa Claus. But I made no pretence that Santa
Claus is anything other than a fantasy. Quite frankly, the idea of manipulating
children by telling them to be good or Santa won't leave them any presents
is simply psychotic.

Agreement Two:

Don't take anything Personally

Young children are constantly growing and changing. They are also constantly
experimenting in order to learn about the World around them. As a teacher
I prepare material that I think they will be interested in. Sometimes they
are, sometimes they are not. This is something to accept. No matter how elaborate
the preparation, no matter how long I've spent making material, if on the
day the children are not interested in it, then that's all. It does no good
to feel resentful. I can save the material for another day.

This means that while we may make lesson plans for our lessons, this doesn't
mean we should expect to follow them. From this it also follows that the best
kind of plan has many small independent elements. There may be a sequence
involved but a plan should be flexible enough that it can work without forcing
children to follow any particular part of it.

Usually though with young children, it's unlikely that none of them will
be interested in the material but that they will have varying degrees of interest.
It's important to realise that just because a child is running around the
room, this doesn't mean that he isn't paying attention. It may mean that,
or it may not. Only by really observing and getting to know the children will
you know. So at any given time, a decision has to be made whether to stick
with the material, to stick with your plan, or abandon it and do something
else. This is a skill that develops with experience. The more we can detach
ourselves and our own ego from what we are doing, the more skilful we become.

Agreement Three:

Don't make assumptions

To some extent all planning is based upon assumptions. But beyond this, it
is very important that we don't typecast children. Once we start assuming
that particular children act in a certain way then we transmit our expectations.
Children are very sensitive to this and will act accordingly. If we assume
one child will be a troublemaker then that child will not disappoint us. Accordingly
it is useful to keep a positive attitude to all the children. This doesn't
mean accepting unacceptable behaviour but it does mean trying to find the
reasons why the behaviour is occurring.

One of the presuppositions of Neuro Linguistic Programming is that there
is (or was) a positive intention behind all behaviour, even violence. For
example, I have a class of four two year olds. At one time, one of the girls
began 'ja-jaring', that is all she would say was 'ja-ja'. She did it in the
class, she did it at home. I guessed it was her way of making some space for
herself. She was shutting the world out. Perhaps she didn't want to think
or listen at that time. Certainly, her ja-jaring was disruptive to my lesson
plans, I simply did my best to accept it and turn it into a game.

More problematic is when small children begin fighting for possession of
toys. There is no single reason why this occurs, all though there is some
evidence that children in tribal societies are more inclined to share. In
my experience, one approach that can work to resolve this kind of conflict
is to introduce timed possession. I set the timer for a very short length
of time, 20 seconds or so, and insist that turns be taken. Again, the idea
is to turn the situation into a game. On the one occasion that this strategy
failed to work, two girls (aged 2) were arguing over a book. I threw it in
the trash and this reduced both of them to tears. I got the book out and again
tried to get them to come to some agreement. I failed again, so I got out
a guillotine and asked them if I should cut the book in half. Neither of them
wanted that and neither did I but I still failed to get them to agree so the
book has now been banished from the classroom. On reflection I think the greatest
lesson would have been if I had cut the book in two.

Notice that I used force and this appears to contradict my opening remarks.
However, at no time did I use force to bend the children to my will. I made
no assumptions about their behaviour, I didn't blame either of them, I just
tried to show that their behaviour was unacceptable and model an alternative.

Agreement Four:

Always Do Your Best

In the situation I described above I did my best. My solution wasn't perfect
and there were tears, that's part of life. But by doing our best we put ourselves
on an upward spiral of growth. We avoid the need to waste energy making excuses.
Of course, it's important to realise that our best will vary from day to day
and even moment to moment. What I can do when I have a cold is not the same
as what I can do when I'm feeling healthy. But by developing the habit of
doing our best we free ourselves to take risks, to be innovative and even
have fun. We also offer a very powerful role model for youngsters. Ultimately,
improvement comes not by comparing ourselves to others but by measuring self
with self.