Sketch: Flavours

Who decides what flavour things should be? Because they’re just all wrong.
I’m a big fan of chocolate milk, love the stuff, but does it taste like chocolate? Does it hell.
I like chocolate, don’t get me wrong, but I like bananas and strawberries too, but I wouldn’t drink Banana or Strawberry milk. Those things are disgusting. But I know this, because I know what Banana Flavouring tastes like.

This is why, on anything that claims to be a flavour, it should have an extra ‘Flavour’ on it. For example, Prawn Cocktail Crisps. I know what they taste like, salty and sweet and a little bit tangy, but fuck all like the Shrimp on a Martini glass full of Marie-Rose. So instead, it should say ‘Prawn Cocktail Flavour Flavour’. We all know what that flavour is, but claiming that it’s like prawn cocktail is ludicrous.

Same goes for almost every kind of crisp flavour, any synthetic flavours at all.

Who decides what flavours these are? In my head there are two potential scenarios. In one there’s a bunch of guys in a board room, saying

“We need to make a Bacon flavour crisp! You there, you’re in charge of the bacon flavour crisp. Have you ever eaten bacon?”
“No.”
“Well, take a guess. We’ll tell people it’s bacon flavour, they’ll never know.”

Or, alternatively, it’s a bunch of guys in a board room, and someone walks in and yells:

“Sirs! We’ve made a new flavour!”
“Well well, what is it?”
“Taste it and see!”
“Hmm… What the fuck is that?”
“We have no idea. It’s sweet and salty and tastes a bit like burning.”
“It doesn’t matter. We’ll sell it. Tell them it’s pistachios fried in glue. They’ll never know.”