Monday, February 27, 2012

Perhaps you’ve turned your back so you don’t have to watch.
Maybe you are secretly in favor of this travesty. Or you’re a skeptic, a
denier, like those pinheads who think climate change isn’t real even though the
polar ice caps are disappearing faster than free samples of Viagra at the Napa Vintners
Hall of Fame induction ceremony. But it’s getting bad, people, and it’s about
time we acknowledge the situation before it’s too late. The wine bloggers are disappearing. If something isn’t done, and
soon, the last wine blogger will vanish in OUR LIFETIME! What was once a proud subspecies of human (homo narcissus) will forever be gone from the Internet, leaving behind only their
signature sniveling and greasy remains. The facts are disheartening.

Once there were
thousands of wine bloggers posting countless wine reviews—though the
reviews were widely acknowledged to be about as useful as Muslim sommeliers, if
slightly harder to translate. (Example from 1WineDude: “The 2009 Chateau
Margaux is the Big Lebowski of First Growths and reminded me that polyps are
just like Growths only with an exposure that depends on which way you’re facing
when you drop your pants. A-.” Penning-Roswell, eat your heart out.) Now there
are but a few who publish reviews regularly, the majority having died off when
wineries suddenly realized sending samples to bloggers was the exact equivalent
of simply driving a forklift through the same cases of wine. Now where does one
turn for savvy wine recommendations? We should have seen this coming.

Comments have
dwindled to a precious few. Comments are the batteries in wine bloggers’
personal vibrators. Without those batteries, they are forlorn, their longings
unsatisfied, their need for love reduced to the stroking of their own warm and
engorged posts alone, their solipsistic voices echoing hollowly in the vast,
empty cyberspace. Is it any wonder that without comments our wine bloggers are
dying? You have only to check the latest posts on all the most popular blogs to
see that many are starving. And even those wine bloggers who still receive a
healthy number of comments are startled by the emptiness of those comments, the
virtual absence of power. (Example from Fermentation: “ .“) Most comments these
days are but tired old batteries that only rev vibrators up to a 3. Wine
bloggers are dying of loneliness, and chapped posts.

Wine blogs are the Oakland A’s of Social
Media. If you’re a wine blogger, you may as well just resign yourself to
last place. Social Media has moved on to FaceBook and Twitter, where emptiness
of thought is joyously celebrated, and modern day Zombies are created by the
millions. How can wine bloggers compete in our modern cyberworld? 140
characters, most of which are blank spaces—and I’m talking about wine blogs,
not Twitter. The illusion that you have hundreds of friends—how can wine
bloggers live in a world like that when their blog stats show that they only
have 80 unique hits a day, and most of those are Google image searches for “wine
douchebag?” The answer simply is that they cannot survive. We are watching an
extinction the equivalent of the Passenger Pigeon, the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker,
and Vac-U-Vins It may be too late to stop it.

What will our world be like without wine bloggers? I
know, it’s almost too hard to think about. But stop and consider. Already most
of our finest wine bloggers are near death, their last gasps already audible in
each and every post.

STEVE!:
“I’ve already written two of the classic texts in American wine literature and
yet I’m still unappreciated. I give and I give and I give, yet I’m never listed
on any Top 100 lists—not Influential People in Wine, not Cry for Help Tattoos,
not Most Likely to Name Drop Incessantly. What more do I have left to give?” I’m
speechless.

Vornography:
“Essence of Wine Blog—Why do I smell vomit?” You’re standing in it.

Sermontation: “It
was at a local bar last night that I suddenly realized I have nothing left to
say about the wine business. This does
not surprise me and it shouldn’t surprise you. We have finally left the
Golden Age of Wine Writing behind and are entering the much anticipated Dark
Ages of Wine Writing. I think this is
good. Golden Ages aren’t supposed to last forever, no more than a great
Chardonnay can last more than a couple of hours after being opened. We will look back at these past few years
with great fondness and awe, even as the last wine blog, Fermentation,
inevitably goes out. We were given the chance to read the brilliance of wine
bloggers while it was being freshly excreted, words that will be read by every
future generation of wine lovers. Generations that will despise us because we
let the wine bloggers die. Except the HoseMaster, for his demise, we will be
revered.” Good night, old friend. Rest in Peace.

Is it too late to save the wine bloggers? It may be too late
to save them in their natural habitat. But we can capture the last of them and
put them on display. Future generations will marvel at them, their odd habits
and strange language will surely delight them. And they will wonder at what
once was. A strange and sad race who walked among us, sullied and unattractive,
convinced of their own worth despite mountains of evidence to the contrary,
soldiers of the grape, slaves to their own vanity, whistling and typing in the
dark.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

In this edition of Basics of Wine Appreciation we’ll focus
on ordering wine in restaurants. Reading a wine list is an acquired skill, like
using a napkin. But nothing impresses your date more than your ability to sniff
out the best wine at the best price on a wine list. Unless it’s your ability to
work your iPhone with your tongue. Let’s get started.

What is the purpose
of a wine list?

Think of the wine list as a really boring book, like a Jay
McInerney novel only with better-drawn characters. It’s presented to you at the
table for you to peruse at your pleasure. Open it to any page and it will be
complete gibberish. You studied James Joyce in college, think of it like that.
It’s just a bunch of made up words and made up prices. Its purpose is to remove
you from reality and make you see the world in a completely different way. The
longer you stare at it, try to make sense of it, the less chance you have of
remaining sane. It’s often best to just hurl it to the floor. (Hint: This is
also often a useful tip for handling your date.)

Should I ask for the
sommelier?

You don’t need the sommelier. Try very hard to avoid the
sommelier. Do your best to never make eye contact with the sommelier. If you
should happen to make eye contact with the sommelier, break it at once.
Prolonged eye contact can lead to a sommelier throwing his feces at you. It’s a
sign of dominance among their kind. If one should approach your table try not
to make any sudden moves. Sommeliers startle easily, and their fear response is
to freeze like a possum—and then you’ll never get rid of them. If this happens,
the best solution is to make gentle cooing noises in their direction until they
regain their senses and leave, or start to hum along. You’ll find they make
excellent pets.

Why order wine in the
first place?

Ready for Dinner!

Nothing enhances your meal more than the appropriate wine.
Except maybe using hand puppets instead of eating utensils. I like Punch and
Judy, but only in Michelin-starred restaurants. But be sure and take your own
puppets to the restaurant. The only puppets most restaurants own are Wine Spectator critics. But aside from
complementing the food, wine’s most important job is to get you drunk. Think of
the wine list as a summary of all the different ways you can achieve
insobriety, as if you were reading Mel Gibson’s autobiography. A meal without
wine is like sex without a partner—necessary but don’t get caught.

What about wine
by-the-glass?

Are you kidding me? Why not just order steak by-the-bite?
Makes about as much sense. "I’d like one fifth of the T-Bone for what the entire steak
actually cost the restaurant, please." Wine by-the-glass is the restaurant’s profit
center for wine. It’s like french fries at fast food restaurants. They even
have the same different sizes—small, medium, salty stroke; and 2 oz., 4 oz.,
and it’s cheap and red and I need to glug it now. By-the-glass is for those
self-delusional folks who think they don’t drink much. “Oh, we can’t finish a
whole bottle!” Two hours later they’ve polished off six glasses of wine. Just
buy a bottle. You’re not fooling anybody. Dimwit.

Why are wine prices
so high in restaurants?

It takes a lot of capital to run a big wine program. So when
you pay $175 for that $60 dollar cabernet, just remember that you’re drinking
it out of fine Riedel stemware, $7 a stem, and that it has been perfectly
stored in an air-conditioned wine cellar along with 20,000 other bottles for
about 50 cents. The rest is a modest profit for the restaurant. Think of yourself
as the Department of Defense and the restaurant as Lockheed Martin. This should
give you great comfort and make you feel patriotic. Only traitors and draft
dodgers complain about wine prices.

What’s the secret to
reading wine lists?

Google this question and you’ll come up with endless
articles by experts who will tell you the same damned things. “Look for wines
from lesser-known appellations.” There’s usually a reason they’re less
known—the wines suck. And, besides, you don’t know the appellations either! If
you did, you’d be a damned sommelier yourself. God knows you’ve passed the
first level WSET exam—I finally did, too, and my gut feels much better now. And
I finished pre-wiped! “Ask help from the sommelier, after all, it’s his wine
list.” Yeah, that makes sense. It’s exactly like when the magician helps you to
pick a card. You can trust him, after all it’s his deck of cards! Sucker. So
what is the secret to reading wine lists? If you recognize a lot of the wines
on the list, order beer, it’s probably a stupid wine list. If you don’t
recognize a lot of wines on the list, order the second cheapest wine. It won’t
be as good as the cheapest, but at least it will get the sommelier to leave you
alone for the rest of the meal.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Life is short. Like the finish of a cheap Prosecco. Like the
memories of the young, and the time between an old man’s trips to the bathroom at
night. But life is also long. From the time you begin to read this until the
time you finish, life will have seemed to have dragged on forever, and you will
have felt like Dante was your guide here and not me. Life is both short and
long. A midget with a large dingdong. We straddle both lives, like a gymnast
working the parallel bars—even for men, uneven for women. A man works a woman’s
bars at the risk of his very salsiccia. Yes,
life is a midget with a large dingdong. Show him respect.

Where the hell's the bathroom?

People, so many people in this wine game. The young come to it
filled with ideas, certain of their conviction that their ideas are new. All
ideas are new when you’re young. I know. I once had ideas myself. But it’s been
many years since any ideas have appeared to me. This is the folly of youth.
Ideas drive them. But age teaches. Age is the great teacher. I had a great
teacher once, in my youth. He taught me the wine business in just a few words.
“Alfonso,” he said to me, “leave a little something of yourself in every wine
you drink.” And now all those somethings have reduced me to what I am today. A
couple ideas short of nothing.

Emptiness, where I walk

Twice is a word I like. It’s like “ice” with a “tw” before
it. I like twice because I like people to read everything I write twice. So it
finally makes sense. Like tradition makes sense. Without tradition, what are we
left? Emptiness. The feeling I try to leave you with here. The tradition of
emptiness. Like writing about ratings. Ratings have no tradition, no memory;
ratings are emptiness. I contradict myself by writing about ratings when I
express that writing about them is emptiness. Words folded into words, this is
my luggage on the wine trail in Italy.
American Tourister—my role in the wine world of Italy, and my luggage. Folds within
folds.

My Life--full, or empty?

Where do we go from here, the young and the old? Life is a
midget with a large dingdong and no ideas, only luggage. If you think about
that long enough, maybe read it twice, it will start to make sense. Where will
wine go? My beloved Italian wines, where will their journey take them? Will it
be a short journey or a long journey? Both. Short for the wines that court
emptiness, like Soave and wines in fish bottles. Why do they put wine in a fish
bottle? Just for the hali…but I digress. Long for the wines that speak of the
people and the country where they are made. The wines of my dreams and my
nightmares. My dreams, my loves, my desires. My nightmares, my fears, my… What
was I talking about?

Age. Ideas. Folds within Folds. The emptiness of my luggage
on and on and on and on and on and on and on the wine trail in Italy.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Are you in love with a wine connoisseur? I’m sorry. Wine
isn’t a hobby, it’s a disease, like the mumps, or scarlet fever, or
professional football. Wine lovers make the worst lovers. They use condoms made
by Riedel. Which always break. They think an Ah-So is designed for Her
Pleasure. They rate their orgasms. “Sorry, Baby, that was 89—Highly Recommended
but hardly Worth Seeking Out.” But you love them, and you want to make them
happy on Valentine’s Day. Forget the prix fixe dinner (my prix fixe in Sonoma is 707), the
overpriced Flowers (Pinot Noir and Chardonnay), or the latest overhyped box of
chocolates (chocolates are to sex what clowns are to circuses—just a way to get
to the animal acts). Here are some better ideas to make Valentine’s Day
unforgettable for your personal, beloved wine geek.

The Inflatable
Celebrity Winemaker

For those lonely nights when you can’t be with your wine
lover, there is a new designer line of inflatable celebrity
winemakers—SCOREGASM! For him, the fabulous Heidi Peterson Barrett Scoregasm
doll. It whispers in his ear as he nears his peak, “You’re a 100 point
Screaming Eagle, Baby, I’ll make you soft and juicy.” Or maybe he’d prefer the Helen
Turley Wine Goddess model, though, truthfully, you can only get a used one at
this point. Most of the Turley models were bought up by her old winemaking
clients who are now doing to her what she did unto them.

There’s little doubt that the wine lover in your life has
always dreamed of sex with a celebrity winemaker. Here’s their chance. But be
careful they don’t get burned. Just like the real live winemakers, they are
full of hot air.

Guest Critic

"Treasure of Sierra Madre Vineyard"

Recently, the major wine publications, and also Wine and Spirits, have decided to open
up their reviewing ranks to those wine enthusiasts willing to pay for the
privilege. The fee differs from publication to publication (Wine Spectator charges $500, while Food & Wine’s fee is pegged to ten
cents per subscriber, currently $1.40), but for the money your wine squeeze
will be given free samples of dozens of wines to score. Why, it’s damned near
like being a wine blogger, just without all that cumbersome prestige. Make sure
and taste the wines blind! You gave your word. OK, go ahead, peek, it’s what
all the pros do. There, isn’t this the best Valentine’s Day gift ever? Pretend
you’re James Laube and just make a bunch of numbers up. Better yet, you’re
Robert Parker! Write a column about Hot New Wineries, then give them outrageous
scores. See, you were right. They are HOT! It’s fun to be a professional wine
critic. Credentials? Credentials? We don’t need no stinkin’ credentials. We got
opinions, and we got numbers, and we got a glossy magazine to put them in. Just
imagine the fun your wine guzzling partner will have acting like the pros! But,
remember, just because you hand out ratings on borrowed authority that doesn’t
mean you can accept large speaking engagement honorariums. Well, not and get
caught.

The Complete Charles
Shaw Vertical

Trader Joe’s, in celebration of ten years of selling Charles
Shaw wines, is offering a Limited Edition Vertical Release of every vintage of
Charles Shaw Merlot. It’s damned near twenty bucks worth of wine! Which is more
than you can say for most shipments of the Wall Street Journal Wine Club. And,
as part of the celebration, each vertical comes with a Fred Franzia bobblehead
doll, sure to delight your wine lover, as well as frighten rats. Trader Joe’s
has sold 50 million cases of Charles Shaw wines. I kid you not. Two Buck Chuck
is the FaceBook of wine. They’re both not for real friends.

Credentials

No, you don’t need them to guest critique wines, but
wouldn’t your wine lover like to have a bunch of initials after his/her name?
Oh, you know it! The absolute pride in having a business card with CSW or WSET
or LS/MFT after your name, it’s immeasurable! Well, now it’s also easy. Under
new laws recently passed by Congress as part of a new jobs program, if you meet
anyone with a CSW, WSET, or MS and you know more about wine than they do, you
can hijack their initials! It’s easy, and it’s fun! Aim low, start with the
CSW. Ten minutes of wine talk, go easy now, don’t confuse them, they can and
will spit, and you’ll have your CSW. It's just that simple. Then just talk to your wine lover about
the subject and, bang, the CSW is his. It’s Tag for wine dweebs. It’s all legal
and it’s all fun. It’s the perfect Valentine for your wine dork. Don’t feel
bad, the WSET holder you robbed can get another one. Soon everyone who wants a
wine credential will have one and they’ll all be meaningless. Wait. How would
that be different?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Oh, I love a good
list. Craig’s... Schindler’s…Franz. And making the list yourself gives you a
feeling of power and expertise, even if you have neither. I was making a list
of things I wanted to accomplish in 2012 and my number one entry was, “Make
more lists.” Number two was, “Walk with a limp.” Recently, a nobody in the wine
business published a list of the 100 Most Influential People in the U.S.
Wine Industry. This is much like Kevin Costner making a list of the 100 Best
Actors. Or Newt Gingrich listing the 100 Greatest Speakers of the House. Well,
he was the 58th and still isn’t in the top 100. Now, Wreckers of the
Home, he’s right there at the top. So, in the spirit of the undeserving and
ignorant preparing lists, here is the 2012 HoseMaster’s Top Ten Influential
People in the Wine Business*.

I'll kick you in your TJ nuts.

#10 TRADER JOE

When you think cheap wine and nuts, who comes to mind? OK,
Fred Franzia, but I mean actual nuts. Yup, Trader Joe. And it all revolves
around a keen business strategy. Make ‘em buy six lousy bottles of wine for the
price of one lousy Napa Cabernet. It’s genius. And, sure, there are great
bottles of wine at Trader Joe’s just like, occasionally, you see a Yugo that
still runs. Real influence is the ability to sell any old leftover plonk with
hyperbole and a cute 19th Century lithograph.

#9 MEG A. PURPLE

The ingenious Meg is part of your every day drinking life.
Her eponymous concoction, created in her own kitchen accidentally as she tried
to make a Paula Deen recipe for Mocha Almond Insulin, is a common ingredient in
red wines the world over. Miraculously, no winemaker has ever used it! It’s the
wine world’s Viagra--your go-to when you know you’re going to be fucked. And,
like HoseMaster of Wine, it’s virtually tasteless! Hard to imagine wine has
been influenced by anyone more than Meg A. Purple.

#8 OSAMA BIN LADEN

There was a time, boys and girls, lost in the fiery past,
when ordinary folk could travel to wine country and return home with a six-pack
of wine they carried onto the plane and stored under their seat. But Osama bin
Laden, you know him best from “Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea,” changed all
that. Osama was also influential in other ways. We owe the trend in winery
caves to his vision as well. Winemakers learned a cave is the best place to
hide from “drones,” an industry term for stingless, worthless bloggers who live
off the labor of others. Bin Laden is also the namesake of the prestigious
Beard Awards.

#7 AL GORE

The inventor of the Internet, Al Gore made possible the rise
of the most important people in the wine business today—wine bloggers. Their
tireless and brilliant work has brought genuine hope to the producers of truly
ordinary wine. Consumers turn to trusted wine bloggers for the latest tips on
wines so delicious and sought-after that free samples were mailed to bloggers.
Thanks to Gore’s invention, anyone can publish wine reviews and opinions,
though, thankfully, wine blogs have smaller audiences than the great Sade
impersonator, Sade. The Internet has changed the way we think about wine. Once
shrouded in mystery, it’s now shrouded in ignorance. A huge improvement. It’s
always been ignorance that sells the most wine! Look for Gore’s invention to
spur sales to all-time highs.

#6 RUDOLF STEINER

Mistakenly believed to be dead by many people, Steiner
recently emerged from the gigantic cow horn he’d been buried in 50 years ago
and is actively consulting for many wineries and vineyards. He has renounced
biodynamics, calling it “not half as valid as mind reading, Ouija boards, or
Wine Star awards—all of which are hooey.” Steiner is now preaching his newest
farming philosophy, SonofagungonnahavebigfunontheBio. Embraced by all the
brilliant cutting edge winemakers of the world, Steiner’s new teachings,
nicknamed BFBio, have winemakers all over the world burying crawfish in their
vineyards. “All the great vineyards have ancient sea beds for soils—start
planning for the future!” Also, vineyards are planted according to intricately
worked out phases of a teenager. For example, the self abuse phase is seen as
the best time to plant seed. Steiner and his various diatribes are wine’s
answer to Ted Kaczynski. Now that’s influence.

#5 JOE ROBERTS

There’s never any real reason to put 1WineDoody on any
influential wine person list, but, well, it’s tradition. Like christening a
ship with a bottle of Champagne.
That is, a total waste.

#4 KANYE WEST, et.
al. Y’all

Kanye, and many other HipHop artists, fueled the current
surge in Moscato d’Asti sales by using it in their lyrics. Before Moscato, it
was Cristal that they sold by the boatload. Man, these HipHop dudes are more
into bubbles than Michael Jackson ever was. Rumor has it that the next big
HipHop wine rage is contained in these lyrics:

Girl the way you booty move got me mezmer-iced

Make my eyes go every which way, like a fuckin’ gecko

I’m a find a way to get what in yo pants

You gon drop ‘em to the floor beggin’ for my Prosecco.

Expect sales of the Italian bubbly after shave to skyrocket.
That, friends, is influence.

#3 JAY MCINERNEY

Yeah, I know, it made me laugh too. People who get their
wine advice from The Wall Street Journal are the same people taking debate
lessons from Rick Perry.

Fight fair, Justices, Trader Joe would want it that way.

#2 SUPREME COURT
JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA

It was Justice Scalia’s vote in the 2005 case of Granholm v.
Heald that changed direct shipping laws in the US in favor of small wineries. I’m
no Supreme Court scholar, but it seemed the rare instance of Scalia and Justice
Clarence Thomas falling on opposing sides. Man, I wish I had a joke here. But
isn’t it nice that even a Supreme Court Justice is willing to bail on his
principles for a bottle of Kosta Browne? Hey, maybe it Kosta Scalia a Browne
friend. OK, I’m tired of this list and I’m getting punchy. There just aren’t
that many influential people in the wine business, though nearly everyone
thinks they are.

#1 GOD

God makes the list because, well, He invented the original
Top Ten list, from which all other subsequent lists are derived. And without
lists, the endless parade of facile and pointless and downright narcissistic
lists that litter the wine arena—Wine of the Year Lists, Best New Wineries Lists,
Winemakers to Watch Lists, Where to Send Samples Lists--nearly every wine
publication might cease to exist. If only. Wine is proof that God dislikes us and wants
us to suffer fools gladly.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

One of the great joys
of being the HoseMaster of Wine is the accumulation of personal correspondences
from folks that hate me. I’ve been asked by the Smithsonian to leave my collection
of hate mail to them in my will, but it would mean having an entire new wing
built just to house them. I’d like to have Frank Gehry design it. Like most of
his buildings, it would look like Zeus puked. Sifting through some of my more
recent mail, I chose these few to share.

Honorable HoseMaster,

Kim Chia Pet

Now that I am in Hell, I am forced to read your blog. I wanted
to ask you a few questions. Where do you find a dull meal in North Korea?
Under the bored wok. Get it? This is satire, my friend. Funny pun, and irony.
You can’t find any meal in North
Korea. My people are starving like your
readers are starving for entertainment. Anyone who says I have the Bomb
obviously hasn’t read your excuse for jokes. OK, here’s another question.
What’s the name of the last Supreme Leader of North Korea? Termana Lee Il.
Ha-Ha-Ha. This is a very funny joke. Why don’t you try to write funny things
like me? All you write about is Robert Parker. Nice guy. I met him at the bar
last night. He and I have a lot in common. Just two dictators that wanted to
conquer Asia. OK, OK, here’s another question
for you, Worthless Westerner, Mr. Funny Blogger, Racist Pig and Sommelier of
the Year, What do you call my Korean hairstyle? Kim Chia Pet. Oh,
hahahahahahahaha, you’re killing me. That’s classic. I am Supreme Commander of
Funny Jokes. Kimchi and Kim Chia Pet—oh, I think I wet myself.

You are not funny, HoseMaster. Who told you that you are?
Your blog is why I denied Internet access to my people. If you had lived in North Korea I
would have had you imprisoned and forced you to read mindless propaganda. How
would you like that? Nothing but Vinography and The Gray Report. Soon you would
be a vegetable. A human bean---hahahahahahahaha. I kill me.

Your Eternal Leader

Kim Jong-il

Hey Loser,

More plastic than a Hollywood land fill

So all the time I’m filming “The Bachelor” I’m thinking
about you, HoseMaster. OK, not really. I’m hanging around taking hot tub with a
whole bunch of hot babes and I’m thinking about what every red-blooded bachelor
would be thinking about. Money. I am making so much money acting like I want to
marry one of those bimbos. Me and my Benziger buddy are raking in the
biodynamic cash selling our own little wine—Engorged. Try my 2009 Engorged
Pinot! All those bachelorettes want my Engorged Pinot. But that ain’t
happening. I’m not chasing a bride, I’m chasing fame and fortune. Just like
those pathetic exhibitionist girls are. I don’t care which one ends up being
the last one. Hell, I suggested to the producers to just line ‘em up and do it
wine country style—blind tasting! I am never going to get the smell of
degradation out of my clothes.

Does it ever occur to a mutant like you that you and your
blogging friends are like the stupidest of reality shows? Desperately needy
people pretending to be someone they’re not who are intoxicated almost all the
time and who say and do endlessly stupid and annoying things. Just to be
noticed. Tell me that’s not the blogosphere, Ho’sMaster. At least I’m getting
laid. The only reality show they’d let you appear on would be “America’s Dead
Palate,” hosted by James Laube. Now that would be a depressing reality show—a
real tongue depressor! See, I’m not just a pretty boy, I’m funny and smart too.
Your little reality show known as HoseMini of Wine sucks. Ain’t nobody laughin’
here, SleazeMaster, but you might be able to hear the sound of me laughing all
the way to Sonoma National Bank.

Cheers,

Ben Flajnik

Dear HoseMaster, you Ignorant Piece of Yellow Tail,

We’ve had just about enough of your witless and tasteless
jabs at Master Sommeliers. You think you’re so fucking funny when all you’re
doing is demonstrating your seeming bottomless pit of stupidity. Sure, you
pretend to know a lot about wine, but all you really do is insult your
superiors, try to bring them down to your level of Hell. We’d love to see you
try and pass the exams for Master Sommelier, Mr. Smart Guy. You rotten piece of
Rombauer. Here, DumpBucket of Wine, try these questions on for size. Every MS
knows the answers to these. Think we’re just a bunch of dummies with
pretentious letters after our names? Eat a Veuve sandwich.

1. Name the four colors of wine. (You won’t even think of
saying “Orange,”
because you don’t even know what orange wine is. It’s wine fermented in traffic
cones. Mr. My Gruner Don’t Stink.)

3. What river flows through the Rhone region of France? (Yes,
yes, this is hard. But it’s the kind of fascinating stuff we have to “master”
as Master Sommeliers. And these aren’t multiple choice questions either,
corksucker, you have to know this stuff.)

It’s not that your stupid and libelous references to MS
bother us. Yeah, like we give a BevMo what you think. It’s that it’s people
like you who show no respect for the hard work, expense and boundless
self-regard it takes to become a Master Sommelier who are ruining the wine
business, GrisHole. Why don’t you go after MW’s? They’re the real fucking
Proseccos.

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.

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What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"The HoseMaster is the funniest satirist writing about wine in the world today."

--Karen MacNeil

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"...With sometimes crude analogies and occasional droppings of f-bombs, Washam cleverly uses satire to expose the underbelly of the wine business. It's often hilarious stuff as long as you're not the one being lampooned.Washam takes no prisoners in skewering all that is silly, stupid, frustrating and pretentious about wine, and his favorite targets are other bloggers and writers. No one is immune."

--Linda Murphy in "Vineyard and Winery Management"

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."--JancisRobinson.com

"How do you introduce Ron Washam, the Hosemaster of Wine? Two things:

First: I’m not sure if there is anyone better at cutting through the confidence trick that is often intrinsic to the business of wine.

Second: in a world where offending people appears to border on the illegal, the Hosemaster piles in. No one is safe."

--Joss Fowler "Vinolent.com"

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."

--Reign of Terroir

"Robert (Joseph) was/is funny unlike HoseMaster who wasn't/isn't."

--Will Lyons (WSJ) on Twitter

"Hey Ron, let me ask you: is it true that you pick on girls and old critics because you don't think that they'll come back at you? Because if so, you lose: I'm on your ass now, asshole."