The journey. What will mine look like, will I even start? I don’t know.

I’ve been looking into / considering chastity for something like a year and a half, haven't really kept track. My goal very bluntly is to stop wanking. My wife and I have sex very predictably once a week on the weekend. Trouble is I can't keep from jacking off after that usually something like M, T, W, maybe R, and then wait for the weekend; I hate it, I want all my orgasms to be with my wife.

I self-tried a cheap Chinese device maybe 6 or 8 months ago. I discovered that it was way too easy to escape. Then tried a vice (similar to a CB but with a vice feature that is supposed to prevent pullout). That was pretty easy to escape too. Very recently I went to tetherproducts.com and paired that with the vice. So far completely inescapable (and I am really good at escaping) - very important considering my goals (I would cheat if I could).

So today is a bit of a unique day. I haven’t pulled the trigger on chastity yet as the two devices I had tried were easily escapable. Knowing myself that I would wank if I could (unless truly locked up) there just wasn’t any point in suggesting this to my wife. Until now. She is away for the day, maybe overnight. I wanted to know what it would be like to put on an inescapable device with no key to find. Before she left I hid the keys / tools (the tether uses a tool as a key) in her trunk. But about mid-day I started getting more sore in my urethra (fortunately better now). I thought, well I’ll just take it off and try again some other day. The tether is designed to be released with a special size allen wrench. I thought maybe a small pliers would work. No go. I was determined to give up and get out of it, I really did try, but no go. I am really locked in - and I love it. Not having the ability to do myself, I can’t wait to approach my wife on this (delicate matter I know).

Really what my problem was is I had an affair a few years back and it has been more than difficult to leave her behind. Fortunately she is in another state and we have no contact. However pictures of her are all over the internet and it was just so easy to get her picture on-screen and wank-off to her (great way to pro-long the agony b.t.w.). So I guess her pictures were a sort of porn (though I'm not much at all of a porn watcher).

Complicated subject that I won’t go into more other than these few tid-bits: 1) I belong with my wife, I love her, and have chosen to stay with her, 2) affairs are EXTREMELY destructive. Don’t do it unless you for sure want to leave your situation and commit to this new person. Very likely YOU will be the one most hurt (I was and it was way more than I bargained for). I tried many apps and such and FINALLY found ways to block all her pictures on the internet. That was 2 weeks ago and my desire for her has diminished pretty substantially. Couple that with not being able to wank in anyway except WITH my wife (soon), and I can feel good about myself, move on, and have a new life.

So I know it won’t be so easy. This may not be a magic bullet. But I’m optimistic. Concern one is the device I’m practicing on. Security is top priority for me, the tether offers that. But I can get sore in my urethra. Especially to put it on (and taking it off) can be almost grueling. It was sore earlier today, but is now getting better. Maybe my body is settling in / adapting to it. It is high grade stainless steel, hopefully no reaction in a sensitive area, we’ll see. Concern two: the reality of it. What will this REALLY be like? I guess I won’t know until we try this. How did many of you feel just prior to trying this with your significant other? Apprehensive? Excited? I guess both of those is where I am at.

So to approach the wife…… I’ll make another post with questions on this, or use the search function, or likely both. I’m sure there are many threads on this. We will be traveling lots for the next 2 months. So I may just shelf this until after. Or maybe in the next day or two I’ll talk to her. I just don’t know. I’ll update my journal when it happens.

I’m hoping to be locked during daytime hours and free at night in bed with her. I enjoy her nakedness. My goal is to have more sex with her, not less. But only with her. So rather than 1x per week with her (and 5x or 6x by myself), I’m hoping for 2x per week with her. We’ll see how it goes. I really like the idea of her having the keys and being in control, me being sexually submissive. But I don’t want her to get overly dominant to the point of her not wanting to have sex with me and to leave me locked for weeks or months at a time. My goal is to have sex with her, alone.

On Friday I approached my wife about chastity. As I'm sure most of you have been, I was very nervous. She was in a good mood that day and we were about to go on a date night. So I thought let's just try this, I'm really tired of just thinking about this and keeping this from my wife. I had written a letter for this occasion several weeks earlier and had edited it about a million times. The wording was (for us anyway) a bit over the top, but I had decided to go for it and try the bolder approach. Even if she were to reject this, I wanted to express and for her to know some of the language I had picked out.

"Honey can you come to the living room for a minute?" "Sure", she sits down on the couch. I hand her the keys, "these are for you". "What are these?" she asks. "You'll see in a minute". I hand her the letter. She starts to giggle; a few outbursts of laughter. As she does this, I undress in front of her to reveal myself and the device I am in. A look of bewilderment and astonishment. Up to this point, I think that maybe this will go well. After finishing the letter and a minute or two to see what is on her husband's manhood, her demeanor changes and she flatly rejects the idea. I offer some explanations, reasons, etc. and that I'd like to really try this. She says maybe, we'll see, take that off for now and we will discuss later.

Date night goes nice (we go to our favorite restaurant), we have a good time. The sex that night was pretty good; a bit more experimental than usual and quite a bit more passionate than normal. Undoubtedly due to a bag of unresolved mixed emotions we were both experiencing.

Saturday. We were coming home from shopping that evening and she says out of blue in the car ride home. "I don't think I can do this thing with you. It makes me feel that I am not enough for you, that there is something wrong." I say something like, "there's nothing wrong, I love you very much. I thought we could do this for fun". "Oh, OK. As long as it is a positive thing we can try it." she says. Wow. Going from unilateral rejection to a very positive let's try this all within 30 seconds. Women are fickle, though mine is pretty level headed and not overly emotional. So for her to flip this quick is unusual for her. She was going away for work for 2 days and nights and we agreed that I would be locked up while she is gone.

So here I am on Monday, locked up. Interesting. It started off well. We didn't talk much on it (Sunday afternoon), just locked up and she left. Later that night after she was done traveling, we talked on the phone. After some nice conversation I gave her a quick "thank you, I love you, etc." She then said she was glad that I was happy, but that it is weird and she doesn't really like this all that much. So looking forward this whole thing could be a quick lived adventure. Likely I will have to be persistent and try to strong arm her into this with tactics like "please do it for me, I really want this", "you don't have to do much, just hold the key", and whatever else I can think of. Don't know if I want to do that. Would she get used to it and accept it? Maybe somehow like it in time? I don't know. Any thoughts anyone? Similar experiences? What happened?

Back to Sunday night, despite what I thought was a better fit, it started to get sore late last evening. I tried again to take it off, and both to my relief and disappointment I got the device off with the help of some small pliers and went to bed. Right now I am more determined than I have been in at least 25 years to stop wanking. For the moment that is enough to voluntarily hold myself in. It is a pain to put on and off and takes time, so that at least provides a good time buffer and some incentive to not wank. I work from home and with the long hours it has only taken a few seconds of want - I would then reach down and in no time be in the middle of and committed to something that I dislike about my life. Immediate gratification, but not where I want to be long term.

So now this morning, I resisted the call to relieve myself, and then put myself back in the device. I am trying different options of sizes for some of the pieces of the equipment, maybe that will help with the soreness??? After about 2 hours back in it is OK, but a slight soreness setting in already, we'll see.

Reflection:

I did some reflecting on my life in the last few days. Here is a pretty pathetic list of stats that reads more like a confession: 1) I don't think I've ever gone more than 2 weeks without an orgasm, ever (I guess that's not neccesarily good or bad by itself apart for what follows). 2) The longest that I have gone ever without wanking may have been 3 or 4 weeks. But that was only because I was a newlywed and we were having sex very frequently (many times per week). After we all too quickly slipped into a married routine of once per week, the wanking resumed. 3) Since then the longest I have gone without wanking was about 2 weeks. Pretty pathetic for 18 years of marriage. 5) In 2017 I don't believe that I have once had two orgasms with my wife without me wanking (usually several times) in-between. Meaning not once have we had sex on a weekend and that then I was able to wait the full week until sex with her again the next weekend.

I'd like to have sex with my wife, and then to immediately know that the next time I have an orgasm will be with her later on. And similarly when that sex happens again to have the satisfaction both of that I waited and of the feeling of closeness and faithfulness to her. Trouble is I can't seem to wait and all too often the more major problem being my thoughts are of another woman when I wank. This seems to be a try at a turning point in my life. Somehow this will get turned around, or I will give myself up again like I have in my past. I don't want to finish my life like this; wanking to a women that's not my wife. Just stupid and sucks.

If anyone is still reading this I apologize for the depressing end to this post. But being a "journal" forum and a good place to post some thoughts, I am appreciative to get this out somewhere.

...the very best chastity device is the one between your ears. I know (trust me), the idea of being forced against your will to remain locked and horny is a significantly powerful fantasy, but it is just that. A fantasy. You, as the man being locked up, have to be invested in staying locked up. That means, you need to have the will power not to cheat and slip out the back for a quick wank when nobody’s looking. If you can’t do that, then don’t even bother with anything else. Don’t even bother your partner with the idea. Chances are very good you want to be locked up. So let yourself be and don’t fuck it up.