Thursdays with Turner: November 23, 2017

My Dear Sweet Turner,

It has been 35 weeks since our last perfect day together and exactly 8 months to the day since you were last wiggling around sweetly kicking me. Today is Thanksgiving Day. A day were I am suppose to be ever mindful of my blessings and express thanks for the gifts and bounty in my life.

These weeks leading up to Thanksgiving have been difficult to really feel and recognize my many blessings. I’m fully aware of how blessed our family is, but I’m also fully aware there is always one of my greatest blessings missing. YOU.

You have been my greatest blessing this year. Being pregnant with you and carrying your little spirit was by far the greatest blessing I’ve experienced in the last 2 years. Being your mother, and your siblings mother, is my greatest achievement and blessing in my life. And not having you in my arms hurts. Not being able to see you laugh, smile, cry, or be able to raise you like I have done with your brothers and sisters is a pain I can’t quite put into words.

I haven’t been able to write to you much lately as my heart is continually heavy. Some days all I can muster up is just how much I miss you. You should have been experiencing your first Thanksgiving meal outside of my body today, but little did I know at the time, the only thanksgiving you’d ever experience was last years Thanksgiving when I was 4-5 months pregnant with you. That would be your first and last Thanksgiving here in this earth. Oh how I wish you were sitting at the table with the rest of us. Instead you will forever be missing at the table each holiday meal.

We took family pictures 2 weeks ago. While I usually look forward to this event each year, this year I dreaded it. I dreaded taking pictures of our family knowing full well that one of our precious children isn’t there. Last year we didn’t take pictures because I didn’t want to take them being halfway through a pregnancy and not “looking like myself”. So we opted to wait until after you were born and could be in them with us. Oh how I wish we would have taken them last year. Oh I wish we had one nice family picture with my pregnant belly in them.

We did include you in our pictures as I couldn’t bear the thought of you not being there. I printed off one of my favorite pictures of you and framed it. So in many pictures we took, I or one of your siblings, is holding your picture. It was a bittersweet event. Not having you there, but remembering you and adding you in our family pictures the only way we can.

When it came time to get pictures of just the kids, they each were arguing over who got to hold Turner. They each love you so. And miss you terribly. I hate that I won’t be able to ever see the relationship y’all would have had together. Especially you and little Andrew y’all would have been little tornadoes together. Best of buds. He misses you so much and talks to your picture all the time.

Halloween also happened in this last month. We were suppose to be a family theme of Star Wars characters and you were going to be baby Yoda. But without you here everything changed. I had no desire, no did your father, to muster up doing a family theme and getting dressed up. We ultimately just let your brothers and sister choose what they wanted to be and just took them trick or treating. No fanfare, no big deal, no anything other than just going trick or treating in our neighborhood. We didn’t even carve pumpkins this year as I just couldn’t do it. All of these holidays are just overwhelming and I’m doing my best to just get through them.

Christmas is coming up and you should have been turning 9 months old on Christmas Day. But instead Christmas Day will be recognized as 9 months since I gave birth to you. 9 months since I last held you. 9 months since I last kissed your beautiful sweet cheeks and felt your hands in mine. 9 painfully long but yet short months since your birth and death.

I can’t believe I have lived and survived this long without you. The only thing that helps me get through each day is your dad, your siblings, the blessings you have given me, and the many family and friends I have who love and support me. Friends who aren’t afraid to hear my broken heart. Friends who speak your name and allow me to feel the emotions as they come. Friends who have cried with me and mourn with me over your death. I would be lost without these people in my life. You would have loved each of them and they would have just adored you.

I miss you son. I will write again soon. Until then continue to help me each day. Continue to be near my side. Continue to help me these next few weeks as I try my best to navigate the Christmas season. Help me to feel of my Saviors love for me and help me be able to focus on the true meaning of Christmas and tune out the rest of the world. I love you my sweet boy. Now and forever.

About Us

Turning Hearts is my own personal space to express my thoughts, feelings, and reality of having a child who was stillborn at 38 weeks. We are hoping to help support and comfort those who are walking this path called stillbirth, anyone who has lost a child or those who are trying to support a family going through this trial. All are welcome.