What’s all this brouhaha about, “…the right to bear arms”? For the longest time I thought it was a statement about fashion and wasn’t going to let ANYBODY MESS with those countless hours spent working my deltoids and biceps. My dad (a HUGE GUN enthusiast) blew up at me one day, out of the blue, “What in the name of almighty Christ is wrong with you?! This isn’t about clothes crap, it’s about FREEDOM—the goddamned Second Amendment!”

OMG, I’m sorry, sue me! Dad wouldn’t speak an entire week, just shook his head, muttering under his breath when he’d see me, “Where’d I go wrong?” I didn’t want him to resent me, so I thought I’d surprise him by studying up on this issue that seemed so important to him; but things only got more confusing when I looked it up and got, “Thou shall bring no false idols before me.” When I asked Dad about it, he blew up all over again, “Amendment, not Commandment!” Dad went on and on, even started drinking (and it wasn’t even ten in the morning), “Why the hell did I pay for all those private schools?!” OMG, okay, fine, sue me once more for crying out loud.

So apparently, there’s this whole entire section of the Declaration of Independence… or is it the Constitution? I don’t think it matters which, but the thing is there’s this whole OTHER section in one of them that has all these Amendments, which are like RULES that HAVE to be followed. And the second Rule goes like this, “A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.“

Uhmmm, okay. Could you write it more complicated, please? So I asked my brother what the heck our so-called Founding Fathers meant (I COULDN’T go to my own founding father, he was too angry); Max said, “It means money talks, just like it’s also Free Speech.” Oh okie-dokie, thanks: as usual, nothing but riddles from my brother. So I went to Poppy because she’s the smartest person around here, even though she’s vegan. Poppy, always passionate about stuff, was like over the top emotional about the 2nd Amendment and, “all those f**king morons who don’t get it.” Did she mean me? Because I certainly didn’t get “it” – and I couldn’t figure out how to boil it down.

But here’s what I DID come up with: over 200 years ago, in ancient times, 118 symbols taking the form of 27 words, formed a particular meaning that today, everyone and their brother is arguing about because there’s this equation between something that can’t be taken away and something that can. What CAN’T be taken is, “the right… to keep and bear arms.” What CAN be taken, are the lives of unfortunates who meet someone bearing arms.

In order to protect those millions of unfortunates who keep losing their lives, dad loves to quote a guy named Wayne La Pierre (it’s odd, ‘cause dad usually hates everything French): “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” So I thought about that and I saw there was something critical missing from that kind of thinking, something obvious that had been left out.

I went to Dad and told him, “You COULD arm everybody, maybe even make it a law everyone HAD to be armed ALL THE TIME – you know, a “well regulated militia” – and maybe then that would keep everyone “free” forever and ever. But it could also get confusing, right? How do you know who’s the bad guy, who’s the good guy?! How do you know WHO you aim your arms at to shoot and stop (or is ‘stop and shoot?’) in order to protect everyone’s freedom – including the right breathe – from the bad guys? I mean you can’t just have everybody shooting everybody – it’s be chaos! After all, “Thou shalt not kill” is a Commandment, which apparently trumps Amendments (“Unless money’s involved,” says Max); and, apparently, unless it’s a “bad guy with a gun”.

Anyway, this is where my noodling the controversy for so long paid off, because the most perfect solution of all came to mind: once everyone’s armed to the teeth, we simply hand out white-hats and black-hats! Then everyone would know who’s who and it’d be easy to shoot whoever needed shooting and ANYONE could do it, ‘cause it’d be their “right” to do so – hell, it’s almost an obligation. When I told Dad my idea, he squinted up his eyes and thought about it a moment, slugged back his drink and said, “Sweetheart, you should’ve been a lawyer.”I just love making Dad proud!

Game of Drones!

At first I thought “drone” was a verb, not a noun: I had a boyfriend – a dickhead if I can use the term without offending anyone – who used to say, “My god, you drone on and on.” Apparently, according to the Oxford Dictionary (which evidently is to be trusted), the word, “Drone” means: “To talk a long time in a boring way.” OMG!! BORING?!!! ME???!!!

I know I’ve been spending a lot of time on a lot on bad things that are happening in the world, but EVERYBODY says I should take life a little more seriously, instead of always, “Being such an airhead”. Talk about boring!!!! Because I happen to see all sides of an argument (“Solipsistic” Max calls it – whatever the FU that means!) I’m apparently an airhead?!!!! Excuse me, but I happens to think that it’s an advanced way of viewing the world, to see all sides of an issue and not judge, like everybody else does.

So anyway, apparently there are these super-secret weapons that everybody knows about but nobody can officially talk about, that only the President can order to be used, that sneak up on a person, no matter where they are, no matter what they’re doing or who they are, and demolish them in a blast from hell that they never see coming: these are also called, “Drones”.

Talk about going on and on…. But okay, who am I to judge? Me, goddamn it, Marigold! And this is my blog, so I’ll say whatever the hell I want to say!! So too bad for you if you disagree with me: na-na-na-na-na!

But anyway, apparently the President has this whole list with people’s names on it and they’re “targeted” to be – well, there are all sorts of words for it – but, “blown-up, kill, mutilate, exterminate, eliminate, squash, nix, terminate, blow to hell, ice, off, pop a cap, smoke, take out, eliminate, waste, wet, whack, do, nix,” and on and on, seem to say it. AND – here’s where most people get upset (which I will get to soon!): what happens when the person the President puts on the list to be blown-up, killed, mutilated, exterminated, eliminated, squashed, nixed, terminated, blown to hell, iced, offed, popped a cap, smoked, taken out, eliminated, wasted, wet, whacked, done, nixed... is an American?

Okay, so get it? For most people it doesn’t matter who’s be blown-up, killed, mutilated, exterminated, eliminated, squashed, nixed, terminated, blown to hell, iced, offed, popped a cap, smoked, taken out, eliminated, wasted, wet, whacked, done, nixed – AS LONG AS IT’S NOT AN AMERICAN.

Even Lauren, who always fights for what she calls, “the little guy,” says she understands targeting “Bad guys” with drones: in the end, she says it SAVES American lives, particularly and in a very first-hand way, the lives of our soldiers. First of all, why would ANYONE fight for the little guy? Every woman knows SIZE MATTERS!!!! Not that a guy’s height has anything to do with… well, never mind, I’m getting off the subject.

The point is, what if the “kill target,” as Max calls them, is an American? Say you’re having Fatburger or an In-And-Out? Depending what side you fall on, you deserve to be killed. Either way, say you’ve ordered and you’re taking your first bite, “Jesus Christ this is good, I’ve been waiting all day for this, it’s so f**king good, it tastes just like AAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!” And suddenly, from out of nowhere, a massive flying missile incinerates you in an instant -- along with everything around you, often other people.

Well, that’s the modern version what you get for talking, “a long time in a boring way.” So I’d better be careful from here on out and only say what’s absolutely necessary! Well, as usual, I disagree with most everyone and I wonder, “Is it right to blow up ANYBODY while they’re eating a burger?” I mean, at least they should be able to say, “Excuse me, hold the mayo,” or, “I’m an American Citizen (or a citizen from anywhere else) and I’m innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, according to your own laws!”

KABOOOOOM!!!!

Don’t you hate it when people drone on and on? It does seem easier just to blow them up. But I can’t help it, I wonder, MAYBE THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. Okay, so maybe they don’t. Still, what about all those people sitting next to them while they (the targets) are droning on and on? What about all those “interesting” people who get exterminated in a flash of light? The innocent? Well, Max says, there are always collateral damages in war, unintended, but… the other side should never have started it in the first place.

Maybe it’s better just to keep one’s mouth shut. Or they’ll shut it for you.

On the other hand… Poppy and her dad, Johnny -- and all the Moynahan’s, come to think of it – say that speaking your mind in the face of malice is the most important social obligation of all. Well, I don’t know about that: I think NEVER mixing plaid with stripes outweighs it.

Nonetheless, it seems to me that the whole process of blowing up people with flying drones is not that much different from cutting their throats up close and personal: it all amounts to the same thing, inclusive of the “Collateral Damage” that inevitably accompanies uninhibited violent conflict. I mean, isn’t killing, killing?

To those on the receiving end, it must be: you never hear them complaining about nationalities or preferable methods of extermination. What would they say, if they could speak? The dead? Probably, “Wait, stop!” KABOOOOOM!! Okay, and after that? AND MOST IMPORTANTLY what about those sitting next to them? The cherubim children lost in endless impulse and imagination, inviolable mothers imagining their children’s unfulfilled potential, unruffled masses facing flickering TVs searching for meaning, indistinguishable geniuses and fools, you and I, all us waiting and waiting for the next second all the while unaware that there will never be another again, because way up high above us unseen and always unheard…

Well, if I said anymore I’d just be going on for a long time in a boring way.

And who in the hell wants to be bored?

01.22.2013

CELEBRITY WATCH!!!

There’s nothing better to celebrate than celebrity: it’s what the word means, for crying out loud! And it also means a person who’s really smart -- as in “cerebellum”. And celebs are smart -- it’s part and particle of being famous: otherwise anyone could be famous. Duh! I mean, look at Charlie Sheen – he’s the perfect example. People think he’s stupid -- but he’s not. Proof? HE’S the one who INVENTED the word “Duh!” by making it famous in the first place. Have you done that? No. Which is why he’s a celebrity -- and you’re not!!!

My friend Lauren works with celebrities and is always telling me stories about, “How f***ed up they all are” (HER words, not mine!). Like this time (names have been changed to protect the guilty) when – let’s call her MONA COALS – went skiing in Telluride and purposefully didn’t wear anything under her ski gear. Why? ‘Cause she was paranoid her career was staling out.

Okay, so get this right? Mona PURPOSEFULLY slams into a tree JUST SO a group of ski patrol hunks would “rescue” her. And BOY did they!!! No pun intended!!!! So in the middle of “entertaining” her rescue squad a couple of hours, Mona either completely LOSES her senses OR COMES TO THEM – no one’s quite sure which. But in any event -- as if she suddenly realizes where she is and what she’s doing -- Mona yells at the top of her lungs, “CUT!”

But apparently these were method-actor ski patrol or something and they weren't about to break character: so a humongous fight breaks out and -- because of all of Mona’s training as an action star -- she’s able to inflict an awesome amount of damage on her rescuers. Of course, her publicity was immediately 24/7 everywhere. Mona went into rehab for sex-addiction and everyone thought now her career really was over; but THEN, when iPhone VIDEO of her "rescue" hit the Internet, Mona's price-per-film shot through the roof and she was beating away job offers!

Lauren says she thinks Mona planned it all. My question is: is that smart or what?!!!!

01.09.2013

POLITICAL THOUGHTS

Sean Hannity

I think he's awesome and very, very sexy: and sooooooooooooo intense! Sean's head seems too small for his body, though; and his hands look awful small (you KNOW what that means); maybe that's why he doesn't use a real-sized football on his show – so his hands look bigger. It's kinda un-American to not use REAL pigskin: I wonder if he knows that?!!

I like Sean better than his other friend on Fox, that O'Reilly guy (he's really tall, though -- so I bet he's got real big hands!!!!). But he just shouts and screams and cuts people off; Sean, on the other hand (hands again!!!!), is all PASSION. I never understand what either of them are ever talking about, though – I just like looking at Sean. Plus, Fox has the best graphics.

The Fiscal Cliff

WTF?????!!!!!!!! What does "fiscal" even mean? And who wants to drive off a cliff, except those Thelma and Louise chicks – and they're just stupid, right? I mean, really!!!!! Get a life!!! Anyway, they (whoever THEY are) supposedly put the brakes on and so no one's going to go over a cliff and die, after all. Whew – what a relief!!!!! Fiscal-smishcal.

MY TRUE FEELINGS ABOUT "S-E-X"

Hemaphrodites

I don't know how this is possible, but my brother Max told me there are people who are born with BOTH a shwanker AND a va-jay-jay. How's that even possible? Max says that they can actually, "Go F*** themselves!" Wow!! I figure it's kinda like a cat or a dog when they lick themselves – though I think that's just gross. Max and my dad both say, "Well, if you could, wouldn't you?" NO!!!! Ewwwwww.

Men and Their Toys

Men can never get enough "stuff," no matter what it is or how much they have of it. There's this saying my dad always uses, "He who dies with the most toys, wins." Well first of all, I hope my dad NEVER dies; I hope no one I care about ever dies – let other people die instead.

But why is it that men are so obsessed with their toys? Can't they grow up? Why aren't they obsessed with ME instead? I'd be, if it was me. But no – all they think about are their big flat-screen TVs, fast cars, making more money, expensive shoes, 60-foot sailboats, more and more guns, swords, cooler cell phones, who can drink the most, eat the most food quicker, getting expensive clothes, tighter abs and butts, better haircuts, and getting girls to stare at them, etc.

Totally BORING!!!! Okay guys – get the picture? Unless you make US the toys, we're not interested!!!!! End of lesson.

Kissing on the First Date

I ALWAYS kiss on the first date: how else are you supposed to know if you want a second date?!!!! Think about it and it makes a lot of sense: jeeze, someone give me a break, please???!!! What makes a good kisser? Numero one: just the right amount of tongue – meaning, someone who's not searching for your tonsils. Numero two: not always crashing into my teeth, almost destroying thousands of dollars of orthodontist work. Numero three: keeping their eyes open to see my reaction the whole time (I always flutter mine so I can glimpse if theirs are open).

So, WHEN to do that first smooch? Some say do it first thing, get it out of the way. But the girl has to initiate that, otherwise she'll seem "loose" if some guy can just kiss her right out of the gate. There is a downside to that, though: if the girl initiates the kiss right away, the guy might think she's forward and boys don't like girls to be TOO aggressive – it makes them feel insecure.

But there's nothing worse than the pressure of having to kiss at the END of the first date. YIKES – talk about awkward!!!!! And what if the guys a dud (not to be confused with a dude – which they ALL are). Then you're forced to turn your head at the last second and kinda get grazed by his lips: and usually their lips (if they're duds) are all wet and moist-like. Ewwww!

So my advice is to strike while the iron is hot (if HE'S hot, that is!!!!). After you've ordered your meal from the waiter (and ALWAYS order the MOST expensive thing off the menu, ladies, or else men won't respect you) lean over and say, "You can kiss me, if you want." Real simple, like that: and if his eyes bug out of his head, you've got him!!! If he just kinda stares at you kinda blank-like? Then you've landed a dude who's a definite dud for sure!!!!

When to do "IT"?

As a respectable girl, I consider this THE most important question. First of all, if you like the guy, then "when" can be almost anytime: on a boat or a plane, in the garage, on the beach, in public, behind the barn, in the barn, on an old couch, a wood table, a metal table, any country you might happen to be in, anywhere in the almond orchards, a coffee shop, Chinese restaurants, at or near to the Mexican border, underwater, above water, in a bathtub, on a sink, under a sink, inside a haberdashery, at your parent's house, on a horse, under a horse, NEVER on a heater, in a car, on a car, under a car…. Anyway, you get the idea.

I've never been to the opera, but I suppose you could do it there, too.

But what if you DON'T like the guy? Well, clearly there's not much point then in doing "it" at all, is there? Jeeze – that's pretty simple!!!!!

Marriage

Marriage is a sacred trust. Just look at my mom and dad: they've been married over thirty years and my mom still says, "You father'll never divorce me, 'cause I'll take him for everything he has." Talk about perspective!!!!

Then there are people who get married because they've got something to prove: like the wedding we recently hosted at our estate. Are you ready for this??!!!! Two CHICKS got married to each other!!! How out of control is that????!!!!!! People'll do anything these days for love. But like Sean Hannity says, "Marriage is between one man and one woman." That makes sooooooooo much sense – all but the "one" bit. I mean, why do they have to say a number? Of COURSE it's only "one" – THREE people CAN'T get married!!!! I mean, there are only two sides to sit on at a wedding: groom or bride. What's the THIRD supposed to be?!!!! Stand in the aisle? Or go even further, the fourth and fifth, for that matter?? Where are you supposed to put everybody? Some people just don't get it, do they?