John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

By pulling away, you get a double dose of the pain when they die. (Published 10/8/2013)

Q:

My mema passed away about 2 years ago and life completely changed for me. I lost her when I was sixteen years old and never really got along with any of my other family members. For example, if I'd get in a fight with my mom, my mema would be there for me. She died really suddenly and I'm still consumed with grief. I feel like there's no point in the future because I planned my ENTIRE future around her. There are so many moments that I wonder why I have to be all by myself. My grandpa, her husband, is still alive although I find myself pulling away from not only him, but the family as a whole. I was just wondering, is life ever going to pan out and I'll be able to go on knowing it's okay that she died and I'm alone? I mean it's going to be a long time from now that I may see her again, but in the meantime, 16 and 69 is quite a difference in age.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Allison,

Thanks for your note and question.

We imagine that is was [and is] overwhelming for you to lose your “mema,” who was probably the safest person in your life, the one you could always trust.

And we certainly understand what you mean when you say that your vision of the future always included her in your life, at least for many more years to come.

One more thing: We also know that it’s normal and natural for grieving people to pull away from family and friends—usually out of a sense of wanting to protect themselves from further hurt—if one of them should die. The problem with that is by pulling away, hurt is created, and if they die, you have a double dose of the pain of their death along with the awareness that you had pulled away from them.

We’re glad you mentioned that it’s going to be a log time before you might see her again – as in heaven. So like you, our concern is for the quality of your life between now and then.

In order to help

yourself feel more emotionally complete with the physical absence of your mema, and to help you rebuild new dreams for the future, and to help you make a choice to move toward rather than away from your grandpa and others, we suggest you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook.

We want you to read the book and start taking the actions it outlines. As you do that, you will notice some positive changes in your feelings and your actions.

One of the things we hope for you is that a partial result of taking the grief recovery actions will be that you can have fond memories of your mema not turn painful for you, and that you will be able to share her with others about how wonderful she was. So even though the dreams you had for life with her to be with you, you’ll share her from your heart with the people who are part of your life.