I really needed that temper tantrum. I needed to feel my fire once again. Fire is a purifier. It challenges. It tests. Trial by fire.

I then know where and how I’ve gone astray from my Self by what is hurting and burning in me in the aftermath. It allows me the opportunity to become aware of it and face it, because only what is false will hurt and burn.

It makes it easier for me to see what is True and what’s okay to let go of. I remember that I have nothing to truly be afraid of because what is Real and True cannot be destroyed or harmed ever.

Beyond this physical realm, beyond what our physical eyes can see, resides the True Form of everything you can see here (and even things that are not here . . . yet). The more we’re in alignment with it, the more visible and real it becomes to us. The more out of alignment we are with it, the more distant it becomes.

The longer we go out of alignment with it, the harder it becomes to believe in it’s existence. It becomes stories passed down through time. Stuff of myth and legend. Fairytales.

The less we believe as individuals, the less we start to believe as a whole and the more disconnected and out of balance with nature we become.

All pain, hurt, suffering, diseases, and sickness stems from being out of alignment with our True Forms.

It comes from believing more in what is Not True than in the True Forms.

These True Forms, when struck or expressed, hum out in a single unique vibration. It is the signature or “name” for that being. It is how all other beings know it separately from all other beings.

At this level, the energetic signature that it vibrates and hums and expresses in unlimited ways, is not subjective. It is recognized as it actually is by all, and not skewed by false perceptions. There is nothing that anyone can say or do that will stop or change the True Forms from being what they are. Nothing.

Not even our disbelief in them. All that happens when we stop believing in them, is that we forget them. (Not the other way around.) We increase the distance between where we are and where we want to go. We are all in various degrees of remembering and forgetting these True Forms.

That is where my allegiance is. That is where I aim my Sagittarius Arrow and shoot towards.

When I become aware of parts of my True Form while in my current life, it is a non-negotiable, non-debatable part of me. While yes, many people here may have any number of opinions about what they personally think about those parts of me, unless it matches the Truth of my True Form, their opinions and/or feelings are wrong.

Your Truth is universally recognized by all other Truths. It is not a case of you are in Your Truth, but George over there in His Truth looks over at Your Truth and says, “Nah.”

My loved ones tend to scuba dive in their False Forms. They can become so disconnected from their True Forms, they forget that their current False Form isn’t who they really are. They become so filled with fear they close down and cut off or turn away from their connection to their Soul. When you become anxiety-ridden and afraid, you tense your body immensely and it doesn’t allow the flow of energy from spirit to move through you and to nourish you.

We all do this at some point and to some degree. But some choose to actively work through it (or healing), and some choose to call it home and live in it their whole life.

When you are closed down like this, you are not in touch with your own true feelings. It’s not possible. You have to be open and receptive with warmth and trust in life in order to feel your own true feelings. You have to do a lot of digging and soul searching with brutal honesty and endless forgiveness of yourself and others as you move through your pain. There has to be a softness and compassion and understanding for not just yourself but others outside of you as well. A wider perspective of life and your places in it.

Being emotional, including crying, does not mean that you are in touch with your own true feelings. Many things are habitual or conditioned learning. We all carry the burdens and sins of our ancestors with us that we have to break through to get beyond them and reach our own true feelings. So many things that we think are our feelings, are False Forms. They are not from our True Forms, and that causes us pain and sorrow in life for as long as we insist on believing them to be True.

Some people mistake their thoughts and opinions as being feelings. They live in their heads and are completely out of touch with their bodies and believe their own thoughts about feelings to be their actual feelings. This can often times stem from trauma and trying to flee or escape their bodies and can’t quite get all of the way out through the crown chakra and so they stay in the head area near the doorway so they can flee at a moments notice when things get too real.

However, what happens is that they’re never present (full of fire) within themselves and their physical body doesn’t trust them to be there for it when it needs them and so it goes into a perpetual ‘fight or flight or freeze’ stance and becomes anxiety ridden amongst many other health issues. If they can learn to not be so scared of life and actually start to allow their presence into the rest of their body, relax and move out of a place of fear, they would find that it’s much, much more comfy and warm and anxiety free. But my point being, those thoughts about thoughts are not their own true feelings.

Fear is a pretty motivated force. It can blow things way out of proportion. It absolutely blinds you and seems to work against you in seeing your own True Form. It also likes to pretend that it’s not there. It shows itself in other ways such as always being on guard, being defensive, being too quiet and small and never raising your voice, aggression, illness, laziness, apathy . . . on and on I could go. I think the most damaging thing about Fear, is how it makes you believe that it is absolutely True. And that is a Lie. That is the Great Deception that we have all fallen for.

When you are standing in your True Form it is easier to recognize when others are standing in their True Form and when they’re not. When you are not standing in your own Truth, it’s much harder to know the difference.

It takes great strength and courage to stand in your Truth by yourself, especially around those you love. I so easily want to cave in on myself and go along with their Non-Truth just so that I don’t have to be alone, but I always pay a high price for it and it’s not worth it anymore.

So my recent post was to establish for myself that I do get to stay in that place of love. That I have the strength and will to stand alone in my love for myself and them even if they have forgotten themselves. I don’t have to listen to their Fear or Falseness or let it influence me. I don’t even have to let them into my life. I don’t have to go through life feeling guilty or ashamed for being a terrible daughter or mother when there’s nothing more I can do about it on my end. In that I get a choice.

I, as my own sovereign being, have my very own feelings. Feelings that I get to feel for no other reason than that they exist.

My issue is that at every turn, I am told in some shape, way, or form that I am wrong in my feelings. Not outright. Nobody is outright saying, “Hey Jenn! You’re an effing liar!” No. I would actually prefer if people did that, because that is something I recognize and understand how to fight.

I am surrounded by people that I love very much. People who do not think very highly of themselves. Who think less of themselves than they really are. They are completely and thoroughly convinced that they are undeserving and unworthy of being loved.

I feel people at the Soul level (Neptune/Moon in Sag. conjunction). I feel the Truth of a person. I feel my Soul and my Soul feels their Soul. I know my heart. I know what I know and I know what I feel.

When I feel love for someone, and I share that feeling with them, whether in the feelings in my words or in my presence, it is genuine. It’s from my Soul. My Big Momma Heart.

I don’t have an ulterior motive. I’m not thinking, ‘Oh, I’ll be here for you now in your hard time so that you are here for me in my hard time.’ I’m not thinking anything. I’m simply being, emoting, existing in that moment with you. The only thing I wish for and want, is for what I’m giving, what I’m offering . . . to be received with an open heart.

That is the absolutely most respectful thing that could be done in response to when I go to give of myself in that way. When the person allows it into them, it fills my heart with warmth and love, and what better gift could a person be given than to be filled with warmth and love?

But do you know what I get met with instead?

I am met with people closed to receiving. They think so little of themselves, they refuse to allow anyone to love or comfort them. All they have are excuses, excuses, excuses. They think themselves broken beyond repair. They think nobody can help them or save them. They’re special in that nobody can reach them or help them. “Yeah, but in my case . . . ”

It’s not true. I can see and feel that it’s not true. I can feel their Soul asking for help. “Please help me.” But the mother ‘effin humans themselves? God save us all, you get in your own stupid way!

Seriously. In that situation, of the two of us, who do you think is in a better place to have a more healthy and realistic perspective? So, if something in me says, “This person is in need of care and comfort.” and then the person runs a play that says they are undeserving of being loved or cared for . . . well, don’t you think that’s your problem right there? You never let love or care in?

And what it immediately says to me, to my feelings, is that my feelings are wrong. I feel that you need love and care, and you don’t believe it for any reason whether consciously or subconsciously, and then you proceed to try to convince ME that you don’t need or deserve love or care? Then you sir (or madam) are attempting to tell me that my feelings are wrong, and that does not sit well with me.

You can run around and think and feel whatever stupid nonsense you want to, that is your own damn business. But don’t you DARE waste any of your time or energy trying to convince me or make me believe that I shouldn’t love you. Don’t you DARE try to belittle or even hint to me that I am not allowed to fully feel my feelings of love for you just because you believe so LITTLE in yourself! I don’t care if you hate yourself, you do NOT get to tell me that I don’t love you because of your OWN BULLSHIT!

Have you ever tried to get a cat (or any animal for that matter) to see or notice the moon in the sky? It’s an exercise in futility. They look at your finger, they look at the window, they may even look outside, but nothing you do can get them to see and comprehend this big white blob so plainly in the sky. It is outside of their awareness and so to them it does not exist.

Even if they did look at it, they wouldn’t necessarily ponder it. They wouldn’t think it was anything more than what it appeared to be. It’s a flat light that moves across the sky. A big fat so what? Why are you making such a big deal out of something so ordinary? Sometimes a flat light in the sky is just a flat light in the sky, it doesn’t always have to mean something deeper.

God, humans! Making things so much more complex than they really are. {kitty eye roll}

What would happen to little kitty’s head if he knew what it really was? It would probably explode because it goes too far beyond his current comprehension. He would have to slowly build up to that realization by starting off with something much more common and at his level. He would have to be led slowly and patiently step by step to help his mind connect from where it is now, to where it needs to be in order for the Truth about that white light in the sky to make any kind of sense to him.

Really, his head wouldn’t explode. He just wouldn’t believe it. If he’s stubborn enough and not open to learning or is too afraid, he may even deny it and fight against that ideology to the end of his days. Grumpy cat. Hell, he might even start a war over it. Little kitty sized tanks with little kitty sized helmets. Setting catnip ambushes.

Or maybe he would tell anyone who believed differently than him, that they’re an idiot or gullible and would believe anything. He might come to the wrong conclusion and then normalize it. “It’s just a goddamn hole in the sky, and everybody needs to get over it!” Maybe one day he gets curious and secretly starts investigating it and becomes one of the kitty conspiracy theorists who is weighing the alternative and less popular belief that the moon is made of cheese and is actually the Overlord of the mice who are waiting for the right time to rise up and take down the kitties.

Now imagine, as humans, watching all of this unfold. Just sitting on the sidelines with our buckets of popcorn. We know what it is. We even *tried* to tell the kitties what it was. But did they listen? Noooo, they knew better.

Some of the kittens believe us. They know. They are still open to things greater and bigger than themselves and so they’re able to stretch their awareness and imagination wide enough to allow for the moon to be what it is and not try to make it less or different than what it is. They think grown up kitties are just playing a big game and pretending to not know what the moon is. Adult kitties are so silly and the kittens make promises to each other that they won’t be like that when they get older.

How hard would it be for an adult kitty to convince one of us that the moon is only a flat light in the sky and nothing more? How long would it take for the kitty to break down at our “stubbornness” and refusal to see it his way? How long before he would start throwing insults like we’re just being close-minded and think we know it all? Telling us we think we’re SOOOO special. Telling us that nobody really knows the answer and therefore we’re all at the same level and playing field. We’re all the same. We’re all equal. He knows just as much as us.

o.O

To us humans, the accusations and ranting wouldn’t even make sense. You can’t argue it because it’s nothing to do with the reality of the situation. A human baby is not any less than a human adult, but that doesn’t mean that you make the human baby apply to college and start a job right out of the womb for crying out loud. They are not the same. They are not equal no matter how much kitty wants them to be. There is nothing wrong with not being equal. That is not the fundamental issue, but how do you bridge that understanding between the humans and kitties?

So kitty takes our stunned ‘wtf silence’ as being right and goes around being all Superior Kitty and does a lot of meow-yodeling at the other kitties about how smart he is and how he knows better. {human eye roll}

What if you were the only human in a community of adult kitties for your whole life? Would it be harder for them to convince you about their perception of the moon? Would it be harder or easier for you to see the moon for what it really was?

And let’s say you did have a spark of inspiration and you just knew . . . knew with all your heart and soul what the moon really was. Maybe because you could sense the other humans on the sidelines watching all of this (because by this point in kitty kingdom, the kitties have gone so far off the path of Truth and are so wrapped up in their own way of seeing things that they can’t even SEE the humans anymore. Too caught up in Kitty Drama).

The (now) unseen humans keep shouting out the answer, and it’s silently pinging the part in you that is human. A part of you that you didn’t initially even know existed because the kitties never talked about this feeling you got. So sometimes you go off to be by yourself away from the kitties so that you can become more aware of this other part of you and it’s from becoming more in-tuned with this part of you that you got this bigger understanding about the moon.

How hard would it be to even just hold onto that thought, feeling, and knowing inside of you as you went about your day to day activities fully immersed in kitty culture, and everything within it echoing their perception and understanding about the moon which was completely counter to how the other part of you knew it to be?

Day after day of hearing their way, their way, their way, their way. Year after year. And you don’t want to be alone . . . you love your kitty family and kitty friends and you want to connect to them, be a part of their community and life. And so it becomes easier to pretend that it really is the way they say (even if it means to ignore the part of you that knows otherwise) because you just want to be close to them. You just want to love them. You just want them to know that they are loved no matter what they believe.

But they take their beliefs so seriously, that their ability to love is as limited as their beliefs in bigger things existing, and so they can only love in the same limited way. If you want to feel love how they know it to be, you have to make yourself as small and limited as their beliefs allow them to see, otherwise you are invisible to them. They start to not recognize you. They do not believe in you. You might as well not exist. Just like the real Moon.

I think that would make it extra hard. Your choice comes down to believing what isn’t real or true and them loving you and feeling like you belong, or remembering the truth and what is real and becoming invisible and being misheard and so misunderstood that you have no choice but to be alone.

But let’s step this scenario up a notch.

Let’s say that the sideline humans had an idea. What if some of them decided to dress up like kitties and become a part of the kitty community and see if there was any way to learn the Way of the Kitty, and then try to speak the Truth to the kitties by using their own language? The only issue is that in order to be totally convincing, you had to go through a process in which you forget that you’re not really a kitty. It would be up to you to remember once you got fully immersed into the kitty community. How would that look? A human dressed as a kitty who doesn’t remember initially himself that he *isn’t* a kitty. That sounds like the makings of a novel called, “How Kitty Ended Up In The Padded Room At the Loony Bin.”

How would other kitties see you and those other pseudo-kitties? Would you be diagnosed with kitty disorders? Would you be in kitty special education classes for sucking ass at catching mice and purring. Would you be in trouble all of the time for disappointing your kitty parents and kitty teachers for being so difficult and stubborn? Would you feel like a retarded kitten? Would you feel alone? Would you feel worthless? Like you failed at being kitty? Would you wonder why you were ever born at all? Would life seem too hard and like you didn’t get it?

Would you be waiting for other kitties to see your true worth? Would you be waiting for them to tell you that you’re not *really* a kitty, but a human pretending to be a kitty and that that’s why things don’t make sense to you.

No. You came to help them see the Truth of the Moon. You can’t do your job if you get hung up on not being loved and understood by them. You have to learn how to stand on your own without validation, support, or recognition from the kitties or anything outside of you. You’re there for something bigger than yourself.

You don’t have the time or luxury to get hung up on things that don’t really hold any value because they’re just illusions that the kitty imaginations got caught up in like a massive tangled ball of yarn.

Don’t get caught up yourself in debating all of the kitty theories about the moon because that’s not what you’re there for. Learn about them, yes, but don’t get caught up in them like they are the truth or real. Never lose perspective. Just learn about them and what they believe then learn how to align, or connect, or bridge what they believe to what is real and true.

Help build the steps between the two, but if you start to believe what they do, you may become just as stuck and limited as them. And some of the kitties don’t want to see the Truth. That’s none of your business.

You’re only there to help the ones that are willing and wanting to. Trying to convince the ones that don’t want to know the truth, is exactly the route and path to getting caught up in that ball of yarn yourself and forgetting why you’re there in the first place.

So if a kitty tries to convince you that there’s nothing special about the Moon, just remember within yourself that sometimes a flat light in the sky, is much more than just a flat light in the sky.

I’m in a nice and fiery mood today. A no nonsense mood. An ‘I’ve had enough bullshit for one lifetime, please and thank you’ mood.

Not an angry mood. Not a defensive mood. Not an ‘I’m not putting up with other people and cutting them out of my life’ mood.

A feeling of getting fired up and clear-headed. Shaking the sleep and cobwebs out of my head. Pushing the sludge out and the oxygen into my veins. Taking in a huge deep breath to help me sit up taller, fuller, and to be more alert to the world around me.

You’ve heard of the boiled frog theory, right? The idea that if you put a frog into a pan of water and heat it up slowly enough over time, that the frog will not notice the temperature change and eventually boil to death. It’s to illustrate how we can become conditioned to increasing dangers over long periods of time.

I feel like we’re a bunch of frogs currently boiling to death in bullshit.

I feel that people as a whole have lost their center of gravity and as a result, they are losing their effing minds.

Just because a person is entitled to their opinion, doesn’t mean they are right. Just because a person is confident in what they are saying, doesn’t mean it’s the truth. Just because someone has scientific research to back up their opinion, doesn’t mean it is a fact. Just because something has the backing of a lot of people, doesn’t mean it’s a good thing.

This era of political correctness, awareness, equality, and fairness for every teeny, tiny little thing has gone completely off of the deep end.

So has this stupid, STUPID (oh noes, here comes the ‘Committee for the Rights of Stupid People’) War between Science and Religion that have people on both sides who need to be put in the corner for a time out.

Science is a method in which to observe and learn about our world and existence. Our world and existence is far beyond and bigger than Science has had time to observe and learn about. Science is limited and it is SMALLER than our world and existence, so do not try to shove all of existence into that small box and try to tell me that that’s all there is, because it is not.

I like and I respect science, but it is NOT the end all be all and I will most certainly not allow it to overwrite something I know to be otherwise in my heart. Science is not a replacement for our consciousness and our feelings. It has its purpose and it has its place, and it needs to be kept in proper perspective.

Science is just now reaching the outer edges of what I already intrinsically knew and understood as a young child before I got passed through school and was told that those things weren’t possible. Do you know how upsetting it is to be constantly told by smug educated adults that you are wrong and to feel like you’re a bleeping idiot who doesn’t understand the world at all, only to find out decades later that you were right the whole time?

My own voice was drowned out by those that we are taught as children to respect and listen to. And do you know what I’ve learned as an adult? That the ones doing all of the talking and deciding for the rest of us, are mostly faking and bullshitting their way through it. They are so good at making a case, and in sounding confident, and having “proof” to back up their story, that it feels like I have nothing of substance to offer and so I keep quiet.

How many people are out there that know better than the loudmouths running amok and are silenced for similar reasons I’ve kept quiet for so long? People who actually have something worth saying and that people are in great need of hearing, but who feel like there is no point because they wouldn’t be heard among the masses? Or who don’t feel like they would be taken seriously because they just know things. Things they can’t explain and they can’t prove because science hasn’t caught up to them yet?

Things that are fundamental truths that have been lost and that need to be heard so that we can remember ourselves again and pull our shit back together?

I have fought so hard to get to this point, this point right here. Speaking my feelings out loud. I have spent decades finding my courage to say things out loud starting with disciplining myself to start writing in a journal every day. Pushing myself to write things in ink that I was too scared to even allow into my head. Years I spent just doing this, trying to overcome my fear to allow my OWN VOICE to be allowed into my OWN mind!

I used to write caveats and excuses and pages of explanations for an emotional outburst I had weeks before, saying that please if the person ever read my journal, please understand that I was just upset and that really I love you and I hope it didn’t hurt your feelings. It took me years to stop apologizing in my journals for my seeming contradictions where I felt one way one month and then found myself writing something else that seemed to contradict it later. Trying to understand myself, and always sorry for how I was.

Constantly pushing myself to take it to the next level. I started going to discussion boards. Not having the courage to even setup an account, let alone leave a comment. When I finally did, I nearly effing died of embarrassment and humiliation. It took me days to regain control of myself. I felt like I had jumped out of an airplane with no parachute. This also took years of trying and then getting too scared and retreating and then trying again.

Now look at me. I’m blogging my little heart out. I still fall into old habits. I still freak the hell out and have to retreat and work really hard to regain my courage to get back on here and say something, anything. This has not been easy for me. What you are seeing right now is the result of a lifetime of pushing through sheer terror to be heard. This accomplishment is my victory, my triumph in life. The one thing in my life that I did for me and nobody else.

I still don’t always get things written out how I mean them, because fear makes the walls close in on me and my vocabulary and ability to communicate starts to diminish. But goddammit I keep coming back and I keep risking looking like a total idiot and making mistakes and being misunderstood. I fight really hard to not jump back on here immediately after I write a post to apologize for any number of ways my words could be misconstrued.

I reread my own posts many times afterwards until I can let go of the fear of something I said being public and people I don’t even know reading it and forming opinions about me that I have absolutely no control over no matter how unwarranted or unfair it is to me.

But yes . . . there are people out there, maybe even you reading this right now, who have things to say that do need to be heard in the world right now more than ever. The world needs more of the *right* people speaking up. The world needs more thoughtful people with heart to say what they know and feel inside even if it can’t be proven, even if it’s said in a shaky, timid, and insecure voice. Even if you think no one is hearing you . . . please, find the courage to speak it anyways. You don’t know that what you have to say, isn’t the very thing that someone needed to hear in all of the world.