Wednesday, April 23, 2014

I Can't Believe It's Wednesday Already!

Last week, I embarked upon a short hiatus with the best possible intentions: to ride my bike and stuff. Instead, I got sick almost immediately, and so the closest I came to riding a bicycle during my break was occasionally looking through a window and seeing other people doing it. "That looks fun," I'd think. "I'd sure like to do that again one day." Cycling must have been something I enjoyed doing at one point, since apparently I have a whole blog about it, and now that I feel slightly less like ass warmed over I'm looking forward to confirming whether or not that is still the case in the not-too-distant future.

In the meantime, instead of riding I've been catching up on emails, and you know what? Checking my emails is a complete waste of time because they're completely ridiculous. Consider this one for example:

Hi,My name is John and I'm a founder and CEO behind Surface 604 Element Electric.Please have a look at our latest videos presenting our e-fatty:

I admit that during our Long Dark Winter of the Soul I found myself pining for a fat bike from time to time. However, the reason I felt this way was because I missed actually riding a bicycle. If I'm not going to do the work myself then I might as well just ride the subway when it snows--though admittedly I'm probably not the target market for this, and an electric fat bike does seem like it would come in handy for those winter trips to your psycho-sexual "True Detective"-style torture shack:

Imagine the muffled whimpers of fear from the duct-taped mouths of the hostages when they hear the telltale sound of crunching snow under voluminous tires that heralds the return of their captor:

("Mmmm, mmmmm, MMMMMM!!!!")

Yes, out here nobody can hear you scream:

Nor can they see your unruly body hair and mistake you for a Sasquatch:

Hello,We are interested in advertising on your websites. We just launched a new product calledNo Bush Lotion. You can see it at http://www.kingsupplements.com/nobush.html. The product helps reduce the appearance of body hair and is marketed towards athletes of all kind specially cyclists. If you would like to make more money with your blog please contact me and we can work out a deal.

Hey, if you've got a problem with my sub-equatorial coiffure why not just come right out and say it?

By the way, the "No Bush" people aren't the only ones who want me to mention their product because they have no idea I've already been mentioning their product. You might recall that not too long ago I posted the video for something called the "MiniBrake," and subsequently I received an email from the unwitting co-founder asking me to do that which I have already done:

I'm Daniel Bognar, co-founder of MiniBrake - we're developing a child safety device that can help parents protect their kids on the road. We've just launched a crowdfunding campaign to help put MiniBrake into production. We're trying to reach out to parents in the cycling communities and I'm wondering whether you're interested in our concept and whether you'll be open to write about this child safety device in your blog.You can check out our pitch video about the product here:

As I said before, I think the "MiniBrake" would be much more useful on adult bikes. In fact, in addition to so-called "Lawyer Lips," the law should also require all sporting bicycles sold in the United States to be equipped with a MiniBrake. Just imagine a "master switch" on your handlebar that would allow you to stop any Fred or tridork in his tracks. Can you picture the look of surprise and panic on the typical wheelsucking doofus's face as his rear wheel locks up and you leave him pounding on his aerobars wondering what the hell just happened? Sure you can! It's exactly the same look of surprise and panic wheelsucking doofuses wear all the time. They always look like they're about half a second away from crashing, probably because they usually are.

Instead, the MiniBrake is marketed towards inattentive parents, like Julianne Moore here, who's apparently too busy making plans for "Boogie Nights II" to notice that her child is schluffing off on his balance bike to meet his fate:

Not that I'm judging, mind you. I have a Twitter account, and every single "Tweet" on it represents 15 or 20 minutes I've subsequently spent searching for my own child on a crowded sidewalk, street, or subway platform. Criticizing parents for minor stuff like "inattention" or "being drunk most of the time" is the sort of thing that only non-parents do, since they don't understand the rigors of parenting and the state of perpetual non-sobriety that the job requires. It's these same non-parents who freak out when they see relatively innocuous stuff like this:

("Urban Amish Utilizes Popular Bicycle Sharing Program To Portage Child" is the headline I'd have gone with.)

First of all, "Father" looks like he just had his Bar Mitzvah about two months ago, so I'm relatively certain that's actually her brother. (Either that, or it's rare photographic evidence of a blood libel kidnapping if you're both uptight and anti-Semitic. Hey, it was just Easter, you know.) Second of all, loosen your sphincter's death grip and stop making such a big deal, for fuck's sake. "Death Defying?" Really? Well, I guess in the age of stuff like child leashes and sledding helments, sure:

(Oh come on.)

However, if you actually stop and think about it, the parent (or sibling) driving a young child around the city in an SUV is doing something far more "irresponsible" than carrying a kid on a Citi Bike at slightly more than walking speed.

But of course it's a bicycle in America, so when assessing the risks the laws of physics don't apply. Instead, just look for the presence or absence of a foam hat and extrapolate from there.

Anyway, MiniBrake guy's email continues as follows:

I think I know your first two questions :) Won't the kid just fall over? We designed the brake to avoid that even if a child is going fast. First, the brake is applied to the rear wheel, not the front, second, the brake is applied by putting pressure on that wheel, and not by suddenly blocking them. And the second most common (and totally valid!) question is "Shouldn’t my kid learn to be careful on the road instead of parents stepping in to “save the day”?" We completely agree that kids must learn to be self-reliant and sometimes it’s necessary for kids to learn from their own mistakes. Thus, MiniBrake does not aim to replace teaching kids how to be careful on the road. However, there are always situations in which parents do not want to teach their kids a lesson – they just want to intervene and avoid an accident.

Actually, both of these answers are disappointing, because my first two questions were as follows:

1) Will this lock up the wheel instantly to aid my child in the laying down of fat skidzzz?

Oh man, I got passed in my neighborhood just last week by a fat guy on one of those fucking electric motorcycles. He still had the studded tires on it too so it sounded like a swarm of bees chasing me.

I guess if I'm still living in some icy winter wonderland when I get too old to pedal my ass around I'd get one of those too.

OK. Anyone ever heard of physics (as in the laws of fucking physics). If the MiniBrake is effective enough to quickly stop the bike, rear wheel or not, the kid will still keep moving forward into or over the bars. Lawyers and orthodontists should like this.

Here's a rule. If you design something for rich peoples' children you better think it through better than this.

Man, it was hard while you were vacationeering- because I didn't know what to do with my thumbs while crapping in the mornings. What I ask is, (in order to be prepared for the next WCRM staycation) what do you read while pooping? See, you curate this blog, so you can't read your own posts while you are in there...right? So I figure you must have a go-to web addy for me.

Kids on bikes is more than going fast and skidding. What about jumping and wheelies and putting cards in the spokes and making a lot of noise that irritates the neighbor who works the graveyard shift and sleeps all day.

...man, i had no idea i was a daredevil. everyday i pick up the little one, she likes to sit on the front rack of the bicycle and grab the handlebars for an unobstructed view of the road. we ride like that a few blocks, then she is happy to sit the the chair... and make fun of my behind and my choice of underwear.

Hoooooray! Welcome home, Snobberdooderdoo! Get well super soon so you can get back to some fun on two wheels, mkay?

Two things. !.As a cyclist, please let me confirm that life itself requires a perpetual state of non-sovriety. Also, 2. ARE YOU KIDDING? Forget childhood. The fundamental elements of life itself revolves around wooo hooooo with the occasional skid thrown in. And proving I cannot count,3:

"loosen your sphincter's death grip and stop making such a big deal, for fuck's sake." Heh heh. Sure is good to have you back. :)

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

It's like meat to the dogs. How shall we tear apart the MiniBrake this time? Anonymous disemboweled it pretty good, but I'm in the back barking and acting excited, just adding to the general din. You gotta have a din, what's a frenzy without a din?

So all right. People depend on technology, which makes them inept. And then because they're increasingly inept, they depend on technology even more.

Somebody fact-check me on this, but I think some people's children are actually human and therefore teachable, e.g. "If I yell 'STOP' you stop immediately or else you'll probably get badly hurt, do you understand? Let's practice." Make it a game, kids love that shit. When they're ready, take them out in public. But no, that takes away valuable time you could spend just-a-tweetin'-away and consuming like a little bitch. (Should a year of prison be mandatory so people know what a bitch is? No, wouldn't work... the dilution of the felon population would just mean everyone was a bitch again, just like now.)

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)

Pronouncing judgement on the MiniBreak is something the civil court tort system will have a field day with. Slam the MiniBreak on unsuspecting child, bike stops, child over the bars and into street. Hhhmm. Doesn't take a Johnny Cochrane to win that one. I'm naming it the Ejectomatic, or FacePlantarium, or maybe just plain old ScranusBlaster.

Oh yeah, the child is totally safe. But she would enjoy the ride more if the black-hatted person just swung her by one leg in a carefree manner. Kids love that stuff. Also the cute pink cap will reduce abrasions as her skull bounces off the manhole covers.

I was in Jasper National Park last week and this local guy was telling how rad FatBikes are. Kind of makes sense to have one if you are in an area that is under several meters of snow during the winter.

I met a babe at a concert once and we proceeded to enjoy each others company. She had a bush on her that took a weed-wacker to get through. I thought her tentacles were going to grab onto me like the octopussy in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

Julianne Moore got the shat banged out of her by the kid from 3rd Rock in that Don Jon movie. She was all depressed and shit, was just using the D to fill the void. I cannot remember for sure but I think I saw Scarlette Johansenne's tits in there as well. Bonus.

Sponsored Linkway:

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!