This is a bit embarassing as it is the first time I'm coming out of the closet with it, but I highly struggle with managing my anger and I can be a loose cannon at times. It only grows worse over time; I get more and more angry until I reach a breaking point and then I go into rage mode where I have destructive bouts of anger and break things, harm myself, curse and swear, eat excessively, argue with everyone around me and sometimes even engage in physical violence, or come really close to it. I attempted suicide once when I was twelve in the bathroom with a belt but I was too squeemish so I did not follow through and I kept it a secret forever. In the present time, I think of suicide very often during my bouts of anger, after scratching myself or punching something so much that my knuckles bleed. I break down emotionally during my bouts of anger as well, I start crying excessively and strangely I find myself feeling all emotionally connected and caring for the very same people who I argued with, swore at and used physical violence against or came close to using physical violence against and I've been arrested on one occasion for violence. This can happen with almost anyone around me, but it is even worse with the people I care about (strangely). It could happen with a family member, friend, lousy store clerk or waiter etc. I also find myself real late at night crying excessively for no reason or feeling enraged. I worry that this is spiritually as well as physically harming for me and the people around me. I worry that I will drive my family away from me, especially my mother whom I love the most more than anything for some reason even though she drives me mad, hates my conversion and is responsible for a lot of internal anger inside of me. I also worry about hurting them or people around me, possibly killing someone or killing myself, or in the future becoming domestically abusive in relationships. The other night I read the story Hell House by Richard Matheson and I cried from it, this one lousy sci-fi story acted as a wakeup call for me. I want to be better. My biggest fear is becoming like my father. He was the same exact way that I was and I remember seeing/experiencing it growing up. I never learned how to properly deal with anger, so what am I supposed to do? I do not want to repeat the same evils that my parents have committed. I cannot control my rage once it comes; it makes me a madman. I've tried one meditation technique that I heard is supposed to work and surprisingly it worked amazingly, yet, when you are angry, it is hard to convince yourself to sit down and meditate on something. So I have not been using it as much as I should. I think that the biggest problem is that my anger is internal; deep down inside there is some dangerous source of anger that has been building up for years. Please pray for me.

"The first step toward freedom from anger is to keep the lips silent when the heart is stirred; the next, to keep thoughts silent when the soul is upset; the last, to be totally calm when unclean winds are blowing." St. John Climacus

Ive been there too, man. Im embarrassed to admit but ive had to patch up holes in my walls before. I shattered my windshield while driving bc I threw my phone one time. I broke one of my guitars once. I dont struggle with this anymore, so it can get better. Mine seemed to start to go away when I began to get serious about my faith when I first found the Church. (not saying you arent serious about yours... thats just what helped me.)

It really does take work learning how to deal with anger like that. You have to learn how to manage it. Bringing it up here is a great first step, but I would recommend telling someone you talk to on a regular basis about it. Preferably someone you can really trust. It can be embarrassing to talk about, but you certainly arent alone. I wish I had better advice/a better formula to help you, but sometimes it takes time. After you break enough expensive stuff like me, youll start start to realize that you HAVE to do something differently.

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Even if we have thousands of acts of great virtue to our credit, our confidence in being heard must be based on God's mercy and His love for men. Even if we stand at the very summit of virtue, it is by mercy that we shall be saved.

To add to my last post, mine sort of came from a bunch of unexpected financial complications I had to deal with a while back. I dont want everyone to think I have always been an angry, violent, destructive person. But I have certainly spent a decent amount of time dealing with these sorts of issues. It sucks.

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Even if we have thousands of acts of great virtue to our credit, our confidence in being heard must be based on God's mercy and His love for men. Even if we stand at the very summit of virtue, it is by mercy that we shall be saved.

I have always struggled with anger. In my teen years I very nearly killed someone in a fight. I am not proud of it. I have started to manage the anger to the extent that I can control the outward aspects, but this often makes the anger transform into depression. My only advice is that there is a reason for your anger. You don't necessarily need to find everything out to the iota, but if you can locate the thorn that causes the irritation so to speak, and remove it you can often lessen the anger as a whole. Counseling can be very helpful. Prayer before the anger can help a great deal. I know that for me there is an undercurrent of simmering anger before explosions. If I can be self aware and catch it early I can prevent many of the ill side effects.

Lord have mercy! May God help youYou shouldn't feel embarrassed...realizing and admitting that you have a problem is the first step to finding a solution. Talking to your priest would be a very good idea. I don't know how close you are with your priest, but do you feel comfortable calling him or talking to him during the time you are angry. I would think it would help to have someone to listen to your frustration at that point and help calm you down by sharing the word of God. Also have you thought about seeing a professional counselor? If your father had similar problem, there may be a genetic component to it.

Bitanya

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Do not want things to turn out as they seem best to you, but as God pleases. Then you will be free from confusion, and thankful in prayer.~The Desert Fathers

James, being true to oneself is a great strength, AFAIAC. whatever ones purpose may be , a person who is true to himself/himself is capable of achieving it because he or she will see reality as it is and strategise accordingly.I think you did a marvelous thing when you sat down and thought deeply about your behavior. it is also a sign of the inherent goodness of your character that you learnt from that book the importance of being kind,loving,gentle, at the same time how sinful-anger and its manifestations serve as breeding ground for evil.I believe that internal goodness is the lens of those who experience life in all its beauty and ugliness yet learn to be a better person,as a result and/or in-spite of it. while the same experience can leave others to increase in evil. a person can read many books and we can call him/her a well read person, yet what he or she has learnt from reading say.. hamlet might be , the role of poison, the different kinds of poison (the herbal and the ideological)how to perfect the art of poisoning in their persuit of power, the art of betrayal etc..all for themselves to emulate. while others who have read the same book might have learnt about love, suffering and its impact, kindness and loyalty, the negative impact of greed, envy, lust, etc... at the same time pragmatically realising the negative potential inherent in things and a moral building up of the person occurs because of the lens through which one sees the very same thing. you are a wonderful person, to realise that you must change and for the better by reading that book so take courage,what is internal in you is not darkness but goodness, and you are on the right track.

Christianity is not a costume we put on, on certain stages, and take off on others. it must change us, and to our very core,because of that and rightfully so, it is there at the core of what we are that the intense battle rages.Battles have costs we must consider what those are by looking at ourself deeply and honestly as well as our enemy, so we can strategise . The Holy Spirit, uses all sorts of things to grab our attention from our slumber, and invite us to what will transfigure us if we are willing to pay the price: which the perfect tell us that its no price at all. take a time to meditate on this passage of the Scripture Luke 14:28-35.

May the Prayers of the Saints be with you! Get close to your spiritual father, listen to what he has to say and practice obedience, do acts of humility( genuine humility). Psychological help is wonderful to have to help you get to the bottom of things and get help in fixing them the best way for all involved.

May the Protection of the Mother of God be with you, and shelter you from what haunts all mankind. Amen.

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To God be the Glory in all things! Amen!

Only pray for me, that God would give me both inward and outward strength, that I may not only speak, but truly will; and that I may not merely be called a Christian, but really be found to be one. St.Ignatius of Antioch.Epistle to the Romans.