Two years ago, I recognized that I had more beauty products than I could possibly use before they expired. I hoarded half full body lotions, multiple colors of mascara, eyeliner stubs, bonus-sized eye shadows with teeny applicators, bottles of shampoo with three or four uses left…the list goes on. What became apparent to me was my inability to resist trying the latest and greatest of beauty products. When sulfate free shampoos arrived on the market, I tried them. When paraben-free conditioners were out on shelves, I tried them. When alcohol free hair mousse was available, I tried it. Oxygen-based skin cleansers, moisturizers with rare fruit extracts, nail strengtheners, face masks…

I was surveying the contents of my bathroom drawers about six months before I would depart to Costa Rica as a Peace Corps volunteer and I felt horribly hypocritical. “I’m ready to put my life in a suitcase and serve people,” was my motto, and I had an idea of what to expect about my future lifestyle. I felt weighed down by the consumerist contradiction lined up in pretty bottles along the wall of my shower.

I made a pact with myself – I would not buy another product until all the stuff I currently owned was used up. The exception would be running out of something that would need to be replaced, such as shampoo. At that point, I also threw out the products which were expired or to which I had experienced a negative reaction, not forcing myself to use products that would make me break out. Despite the product cleanse, I still had a full arsenal of shtuff.

Six months passed, and as I was preparing to leave the country I still had not gone to CVS or Ulta to replace anything. While I continued to possess an abundance of products, the importance of my mission was fading in the light of leaving for two years. I managed to clean out once more, tossing products that had very little left in them. But you know, I kept the lion share of products, convincing myself I’d want them when I came back. Just to get me started again, if I needed them.

I quit the Peace Corps a year early – I’m proud of my service, but it wasn’t for me. Once I returned, I was overwhelmed by having access again to full-fledged stores, a variety of choice in anything and everything (whether or not I could afford it). I remembered my beauty product pact and wanted to continue it, recognizing that I still had an excess of stuff left over from before. However, I decided that I may as well indulge just this once and get myself set up with a fresh set of the things I knew were good for my skin, hair, and face. I didn’t throw out the old stuff.

That was at the beginning of 2012. At the end of 2013, I surveyed my apartment and again found myself swimming in excess. I wanted to recommit to my goal. For two months, I’ve been conscientious about using up half-bottles of hand and body lotion – winter is coming (GOT holla!) and it’s been a good time to jump-start this re-commitment and defy the impulse to purchase excess beauty products similar to what I already own. To solidify this return to simpler personal care, I have a second motivation looking forward to 2014: I expect to be moving to DC in the near future. The thought of packing up beauty products, some of which I have owned now for over two years, is mind-crushing. I just can’t handle the thought of it – either spending resources (like time) to pack and move these products, or the waste of throwing out stuff I paid for.

So I’ll work down all the extra that I own, and then what? Well, I’ve decided on an additional twist this time. For the whole year of 2014, I will first finish the beauty products that I own, then refuse to purchase more. The beauty industry deals in millions of dollars daily. I recognize that when I read magazines, I feel differently about myself immediately after, and it’s not positive. My self-esteem is fine (ask around), but capturing “natural beauty” is attractive to me. Magazines give me an excuse to see what’s new in the world of back-to-basics hair and skincare. Same thing with the internet. I get the advertising and then I get the impulse to own the latest in all-natural products. That is to say, that even “natural” beauty has become a commodity and packaged to sell.

Enough of that. I don’t dig the marketing, I think the price of “beauty” is ridiculous, and I’m disgusted by my ability to justify. Really, if I’m attracted to “all natural” products, I can cut out the middle man and seek these ingredients on my own. So 2014’s my year to reclaim my natural beauty without ever stepping foot inside a Target, Ulta, or CVS to that end. Each month, I’ll blog about my latest forays in this pursuit of less-popular methods of personal care and beauty. I think if we understand beauty in terms of what advertising executives want us to believe, then this would be quite an “ugly” year for me. We’ll see.

Why am I using A2Zhope.com as a forum for blogging about my attempt for personal revolution in the beauty industry? I don’t kid myself that my exterior appearance is part of how I determine my worth. It doesn’t come down to feeling classically “pretty” but it does come down to looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “You are happy and healthy today.” Sleep, exercise, and a balanced diet are building blocks to feeling that way, but if you examine the beauty industry, the majority of products on shelves are designed to merely imitate the effect of a healthy lifestyle. Instead of buying into a fake perception of health and happiness, I choose to create it for myself. And through that, I hope to inspire hope within myself for a truer “happy” and a truer “healthy”. And for you, too, if you want to come along.

I’ll miss the thrill of having a pretty, new, shiny bottle. Truly. But this whole resolution/experiment/re-commitment is to show myself that I can, in fact, do without fancy-pants cosmetics and beauty products. That it comes down to taking care of myself according to my standards, and not some magazine editor or marketing genius’ standards.

Recent Posts

4 Responses to My Ugly Year

pingbacks / trackbacks on My Ugly Year

[…] me to recap: at the end of 2013, I made a commitment to consume as little as possible within the beauty industry for the whole year of 2014. My goal was […]

February 26, 2014

A2Z Hope | I Throw My Hands Up in the Air Sometimes…

[…] This is not a big deal, you say – just go buy more. And I would, but with my commitment to Individually Sourced Beauty for the year 2014 means that once I’m out of a beauty supply, that’s it. I still have […]

May 19, 2014

A2Z Hope | India.Arie gets it.

[…] “Individually Sourced Beauty” has become my mantra. When I walk through Target to get duct tape and I pass the beauty aisles, I chant, “ISB, ISB,” to myself. If I have friends who are talking about getting pedicures this weekend, and wouldn’t it be fun if we all went together? my brain sounds the ISB alarm and I convince myself I can take care of my own feet. I observe my dwindling supply of makeup, and knowing that I won’t replace it once it’s gone – I make a point to look myself square in the mirror and say, “That’s okay. It’s more important to have a natural glow*.” […]

June 18, 2014

A2Z Hope | Results.

[…] Individually Sourced Beauty – this idea that God made me beautiful and all I need is an attitude of contentment in God’s gift to capitalize on it – it finally CLICKED for me. After months and months and months of trying to peel back layers of the broken self-esteem machine of the fashion and beauty industries, I had a moment of absolutely positive self-image. I didn’t second guess myself. (“Do you really feel happy with your hair, or is it just that you’ve given up?”) I didn’t qualify feeling good. (“I feel so pretty right now, but then again, I DID put on make up today.”) It didn’t belong to someone else. (“Well of course I feel good, she just complimented me on my shoes.”) I didn’t talk myself into it. (“Why do you feel ‘less’ today? You should feel great because you’re you, and that’s enough!”) I didn’t belittle the feeling. (“Like anyone even cares, Lily – you’re so full of yourself. As soon as you go outside you’ll be a sweaty mess anyway…”) I can’t even remember when I felt the moment of absolute security in who I am or for what reason. It was in the last week, for sure. But I know that six months of toil and self-talk, beauty product and service denial, and self-esteem reinvention was totally worth that one granule of peace. I am changing my habits, and a half-second of victory feels better so far than all the defeat I’ve felt about my looks and my body since as early as elementary school. I could get used to this. The only place that my focus and fortitude in this project can come from is God, and He has blessed me with the patience to wait for this outcome, and more (in an otherwise terribly impatient life). “Will I ever know silence – without mental violence – Will the ringing at night go away?” -”Incomplete and Insecure,” The Avett Brothers […]

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