July 31, 2013

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Rookie is an online magazine and book series for teenagers. Each month, a different editorial theme drives the writing, photography, and artwork that we publish. Learn more about us here, and find out how to submit your work here!

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Britney

Summer is falling past my eyes as quickly as a pigeon falling from the sky. Right now I’m having the most fun I’ve had this year—I met and hung out with some of the most amazing people ever, I’ve had more time to write, and I feel like my life is back on track, but July has already crossed the finish line and August is sure to do the same sooner than expected.

By the time school starts Lula and John* will be gone. Even though we will definitely remain close friends and visit each other, here in my real life I will be back in a world of awkwardness, trying to force conversations with people I don’t know, trying to avoid embarrassing myself. I will spend the next four years as a social pariah like I did for a good amount of junior high. I’m trying to savor adolescence by being more social and taking more risks, while attempting to adjust to life at my new school, a school where everyone seems to play a sport.

I’m concerned that I won’t be ready to leave summer behind when I finally start high school. I want to make sure that I write as much as I can between now and then, talk to more people, get into art more, and just do as much as I can creatively before I have to go back to schoolwork and people that I am forced to be with for hours on end. I don’t feel full yet. I need more summer. ♦

I’ve been in therapy for self-harm basically all summer, so reading your entry, Naomi, I felt that it gave me a lot to relate to and some insight into life after therapy and the possibility of needing it again. Thank you for sharing that story, and I hope you get the help you need and start to feel better. <3

And Caitlin, I love the illustration this week, and I totally relate you that; everything I do seems ten times harder than it should be.

Everyone’s diaries were wonderful this week. Naomi’s especially I can relate to right now… In the middle of two weeks of hectic exams.

It’s weird, doing exams here but knowing that it’s summer where you are. It’s weird remembering so clearly the feeling of summer slipping by, except right now it’s winter and July has dragged out for an age because of frantic study and work to do. The only time that slips by too fast is the actual exam…

These were all beautiful, Naomi stay strong even when it seems hardest. And Britney I can really relate to your article, I am not ready for summer to finish – I’ve had the most amazing few weeks and I feel so relaxed. I’m not ready for all of the pressure of school!

Naomi, that was such a beautiful piece of writing. I hardly comment on Rookie articles (though I should) but your entry blew me away. I especially liked your lines, “I did not feel minuscule like a grain of sand. I didn’t feel like a giant either.” I thought it was clever and well-put, like I’d been trying to say it all along but hadn’t come out right. I admire your words. Love, Addie

“I am meant to be having the carefree time of my life.” This really resonates with me. I know all too well the feelings of guilt and frustration that come with not being able to feel the way you think you SHOULD, like the way everyone around you appears to be. But the way you followed that with “But that’s not how I work. And I feel more OK with that now.” is so comforting, your self acceptance makes me feel a bit more okay within myself too so thank you. Your diary entries make me feel less alone. I hope what you are currently going through passes by soon, you are strong.

Sorry that this is off-topic, but is there going to be an article called “Feminist women have complicated feelings about Eminem”? I swear I saw it on the home page a while ago but now I’m really not sure if I dreamt it. :(

Naomi, thanks for articulating something I wish I could. It’s better to write it down I guess, they are such complicated feelings that I started out ignoring because I thought that wasn’t how I was supposed to feel, or have any reason to. But I guess our mind works differently. Sometimes I think I would be very adventurous if my mind worked a little less overtime, I would have less time to think about how everything can go wrong. Something I’m doing lately on my temporary psych’s advice is to keep a “positive things” diary, just writing down every day everything that was positive or made me feel good, and to really search for it. I often have to stop myself when I’m about to write something negative. She says we have to strengthen the road in our brain that goes “positive” instead of negative. It’s very usual I think to relapse into these emotions though, especially as we move into new stuff, change. Last year I thought everything would be ok with me again if I started University and throwing myself into philosophy, a different town and people, but I had a rough relapse and now I’m getting a little scared again that I will never have control. But I guess it takes time or so I tell myself and others who ask how I am, so maybe I will also start believing it will be ok eventually, because I have to, because it’s either down hill or up hill, and the last one might be tougher but would clearly benefit everyone a lot more. Sorry, this is a lot of words!!!