Sunday, 31 January 2010

Awful Album Art

Predator - Easy Prey (1986)

What the fuck was Metal Blade thinking when they approved this cover? What were the band smoking? The guy on the cover appears to be lying in wait to attack the bikini clad blonde on the beach. He also appears to have a giant sock on his head and by the looks of his shirt, has just stumbled out of the sea after a shark attack!

Whiplash - Power & Pain (1985)

If I'd have been in Whiplash back in '85 and the artist had unveiled this cover to me for the debut album, I would have shot him dead, or to a less extreme extent - quit the band. I'm dead fuckin' serious. This album cover is woeful, looking like something a 3 year old could've knocked up with crayons. The sad thing is, Whiplash developed quite a habit for bad album art during their career...

Artillery - Terror Squad (1987)

What is it with awesome thrash metal bands having terrible cover art for their records? I don't understand what so badass about letting a child loose with felt pens to conjure up your new album's sleeve. For such a great album, from such a brutal band, you'd expect something a bit more impressive. It just looks so goofy, with that giant fucking rat dominating the cover! Plus, whoever designed this cover, couldn't be fucking bothered to colour in the rest of the background!

Rogue Male - First Visit (1985)

Right away you know this is an 80s cover. It just oozes cheese. Jim Lyttle's huge Mad Max meets-the-Terminator head staring back at you aided by the most bland, basic colour schemes imaginable. Barring "Crazy Motorcycle", the actual music on this album isn't very mindblowing either. Rogue Male were hailed in 1987 by Kerrang as "the next big thing" - yet more proof Kerrang employs morons.

Kick Axe - Vices (1984)

I love Kick Axe, they were a really awesome Canadian band that flew under the radar of most metal-heads, but their cover for 1984's Vices is pathetic. A giant vice, crushing the word "vices" (oh the irony!) with two huge goofy eyeballs, sat in the middle of some valley in the middle of nowhere? What's that all about? Even worse is that abomination became the band's mascot!

Cryptic Slaughter - Convicted (1986)

Ah, thrash-crossover teens Cryptic Slaughter arrived on the scene in 1986 with the Metal Blade issued "Convicted". I'm guessing that the guys from Cryptic Slaughter went to school with Jeff Spicoli and got him to draw this bad boy during one of Mr. Hand's history classes!

Atrophy - Violent By Nature (1990)

Yet again, more amateur sleeve design for a killer thrash metal act. The problem I have with covers like this, is that it immediately turns you off a band. When you're in a record store and you stumble across thrash albums such as this, you think that it'll suck real bad, due to the cover. But, you'd seriously be missing out on some great tunes. Atrophy's cover for previous album "Socialized Hate" was great, if a little weird. Plus, it had a fucking jester/clown guy on it, so I was sold....

Warrant - Dirty, Rotten, Filthy, Stinking, Rich (1989)

I love Warrant to death, but I have always totally loathed this album cover. I understand it fits with the title of the record, but then again it's kind of condradictory, as they were selling records for a fat money grabbing bastard and he was the reason they were able to make money themselves? My main gripe though is that, Warrant were a glam metal act. There is nothing remotely glamorous, sexy or fun about this album art is there?

Riot - Thundersteel (1988)

Considering Thundersteel is possibly one of the greatest speed metal records ever, and one of the best metal albums ever, it certainly deserves a better cover than this! Most casual metal fans would baulk at the sight of this crudely drawn artwork and dismiss this masterpiece of musical steel. There's also been no attempt to jazz it up when it came to recent re-issues of the album!?

Totally agreed on all of these. If memory serves, the back cover of the vinyl LP for Predator's "Easy Prey" showed the masked guy walking down the beach with the (presumably dead) blonde slung over his shoulder. Classy!!

Sideshows

Freaks

This Rock 'N' Roll Clown...

Yes, welcome to my world where the sound of machine-gun guitars, glass-shattering vocal chords and lyrics about; how dark the night is, how the fire burns and how you've got to fight for the rock, takes precedence over eating and generally staying alive!