We
have now worked through the key stages of the first and second
modules which focused on recovery and rebuilding so now we are
going to clearly focus on the final stages of building the future
based on a clear sense of freedom.

If
you say you can't trust a man or woman in a relationship then
you are saying more about yourself than about the man or woman.
Many relationships at this stage are attempts to heal wounds
and many are transitional or short-term. So at this stage by
building a basic level of trust within yourself, you can experience
satisfying emotionally closer and intimate relationships.

I was doing fine and enjoying myself. Then he said 'I love
you.' I panicked and told him to get up, put on his clothes,
and go home. Ann

At this stage in the recovery process you may see people walk
a distance from potential partners. They are like a wild animal
that come close, hoping to get some food, yet run for cover
the minute you move toward them. These people talk about relationships
a great deal of the time, and they seem to want to date and
to be with potential partners. But as soon as someone makes
a move toward them, they run and shout 'stay away!' They are
still severely wounded by 'love'.

The idea for some that another relationship will 'prove you
are okay' leads many people to start immediately to find a new
one and only person in their life. You have probably seen the
poster 'you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince'.
It seems healthier to conclude: 'You have to kiss a lot of frogs
before you become a prinz (with prinz being a non-sexist word
for princess and prince)'.

The
divorce process can be viewed in two major steps. The first
is learning to be a single person again ready to face life alone
with the rubble of the past cleared away. The second step is
learning to love again after you have rebuilt your strength
to carry the burden of a long term committed relationship. So
if you complete the first step then step two will be easier.

Here is an exercise that I have carried out at this stage with
seminar groups for over twenty years and it derived from the
work of family therapist Virginia Satir which she terms body
sculpting. I divide the group into pairs but you might like
to do this with a good friend to help. The diagrams illustrate
different body positions which show various types of relationships
that people have. Let's look at the body sculptures and consider
the feelings beneath each of these 'styles' of relating.

1. A-Frame Dependency Relationship

In the dependency relationship, two people lean
on each other Dependency upon another person sometimes feels
good, but it is somewhat confining. When one person wants to
move, change, or grow, it upsets the other who is leaning on
them. Try this sculpture with another person and then put into
words some of the feelings that you have while you are assuming
this position.

2. Smothering Relationship

Here is a position quite frequently seen in teenage
relationships. The vocabulary of this relationship is,

'I can't live without you. I want to spend the rest of my life
with you. I will devote myself completely to make you happy.
It feels so good to be close to you.'

Many
lovers start out by smothering, then gradually release the strangle
hold on each other to allow more room for growth. This smothering
pattern may be particularly significant during the 'honeymoon'
stage of new love. The smothering relationship feels good for
a while, but eventually the partners begin to feel trapped.

3.
Pedestal relationship

This 'worshipful' relationship says,

'I
love you not for who you are, but for who I think you are. I
have an idealized image of you and I'd like to have you live
up to that image.'

It
is very precarious on top of the pedestal because there are
so many expectations to live up to. You can see the problems
of communication here. In love with the person's idealised image,
the worshipper is looking up to and trying to communicate with
that image instead of the real person. There is a great deal
of emotional distancing inherent in this relationship, and it
is difficult for the two people to become close. 4. Master / Slave Relationship

The master acts and is treated according to these
ideas:

'I'm
the head of the family. I'm the boss. I'll make the decisions
around here.'

Do
not assume that this relationship necessarily places the males
as the boss and heard of the family. There are females who are
masters, making all the decision for their families.
In most relationships one of the partners has a personality
which is at least a little stronger than the other, and that
is not necessarily bad.

It
is when the relationship becomes rigid and inflexible, and one
person is set up to make virtually all of the decisions, emotional
distancing and inequality take place. Maintaining one person
as master and the other as slave tends to take a great deal
of emotional energy, and often results in a power struggle that
interferes with the communication and intimacy of the relationship.

5. Boarding House: Back to Back
Relationship.

Linked by their elbows, these two have some sort
of contact or agreement that they are going to live together.
There is no communication in this relationship. The typical
thing is for people to come home and sit down and watch TV while
they are eating, then retire to their own living habits for
the remainder of the evening. There is no expression of love
toward each other.

Notice
as you try this position, that when one person moves forward,
changes (i.e. grows and matures); the other person is linked
to that change. Back to back is a very confining relationship.
Many people recognise this as the pattern that existed just
before their relationship ended.

6. Martyr Relationship

Here is the person who completely sacrifices
by trying to serve others. Always doing things for other people,
never taking time for self, the martyr goes about 'on hands
and knees.' But do not let the lowly posture fool you! The martyr
position is very controlling. Note that when the person on hands
and knees moves, the other person who has a foot on the martyr
is thrown off balance.

How
does the martyr gain control? You guessed it- through guilt.
How can you be angry at the person who is doing everything for
you, who is taking care of your completely? The martyr is very
efficient at controlling people. It is very difficult to live
with a martyr because you feel too guilty to express your own
needs and angry feelings. Perhaps you have a martyr parent,
and can recognise ways of dealing with that parent by understanding
the martyr relationship.

PLEASE NOTE The graphic is the
one you view and not to act out physically this particular relationship
structure :

7. Healthy Love Relationship

Two people who are whole and complete have happiness
within themselves. Standing upright, not leaning on or tangled
up with the other person, they are able to live their own lives.
They have an abundance of life to share with the other person.
They choose to stay together because they are free to be individuals
who are sharing their lives together.

They
can come close together and choose the smothering position temporarily;
they can walk hand in hand as they might do in parenting their
children; they can move apart and have their own careers, their
own lives, and their own friends. Their choice to stay together
is out of love for each other rather than needing to stay together
because of some unmet emotional needs. The healthy love relationship
gives both people the space to grow and become themselves.

Again let me urge you to try these different positions with
a very good friend and see how they feel (save the martyr.).
Speak or write about the feelings that you experienced. Which
of these positions describes your past relationship? Many people
over the years in my seminars stated that they thought their
relationships went through almost all of the unhealthy body
positions!

Did you discover the cause of your divorce
from the body sculpting?

These unhealthy relationships seem to suggest a half person
looking for another half person. So now as you become more of
a whole person your chance of developing a healthy, healing
relationship is greatly increased.

We tend to act out our internal feelings in our relationships
so if you are angry, you probably express anger in your relationships.
If you are lonely, you tend to be possessive in the relationship
in order to keep the person from leaving you and making you
lonely again. If you are in deep emotional pain, you will likely
have a relationship full of pain. If you have a wounded feeling
then you distance others to avoid bumping such a wounded heart.

Many of us seek relationships with people
who have qualities we are missing in ourselves.

If
you are introverted and want to be more comfortable around people
you often chose an extrovert. Lacking confidence, you chose
a person who exudes confidence as a relationship. To meet your
need to feel guilty, you develop a relationship with someone
who will make you feel guilty.

And of course, the coin also has a positive
side.

If
you are happy, confident, and feel loveable, you enter a relationship
with someone with who you can act out those feelings in your
relationship. We can learn much about ourselves by looking at
our relationships. What feelings are you expressing your relationships?
Is there a pattern? i.e. do you always bring home a stray cat?
Do your relationships reflect good feelings or do they reflect
neediness? Another major factor in our relationship styles is
one I've mentioned before; the interaction we had with our parents.

Each of us learned how to respond to love, anger, rejection,
and intimacy from our parents or adults close to us in our childhood
world. If these adults fought, then you are likely to have a
very tough time with fights. If these adults were cold and untouching,
then you may find it difficult to touch and handle warm emotions.
Many a relationship is not satisfactory because the partners
are interacting like these adults did.

Jeff told me,

'Relationships may be like a pot of stew. If you don't make
it right in the first marriage, you keep doing it over until
you get it right. In my first committed relationship, I was
acting out the unproductive patterns I learned as a child. I
didn't change internally after we parted and ended our relationship,
so I continued to act out those patterns in my second relationship!'

After the end of our relationship we often regress and interact
the way we did earlier in life. This can be positive: becoming
a healthy balanced person emotionally is like climbing the slide
in the playground. You progress so far then lose your grip and
slide back down. Then the next time you are able to climb to
a higher point. In their relationships after separation and
end, many people are reworking the patterns of interaction they
learned from adults in the childhood world in order to make
those patterns more productive.

So the problem of trust is largely internal rather than external
and understanding your past is helpful in understanding who
you are now. Becoming aware of ourselves, our patterns of interaction,
and our methods of dealing with relating to others allows us
choices.

So now to rebuilding.

'Where
do I meet someone?' is the next question and the answer
is right where you are now. People go to bars, singles groups,
classes in their attempts to meet people but take care the bar
scene for example typically includes many lonely people who
cannot relate until they are slightly under the influence. And
the bar hoppers are often game players out to practice and improve
their games frequently with sex being the goal of the game.
Singles groups, too, have a certain amount of desperation and
loneliness.

This question 'where do I meet someone' often indicates
that you are looking for a committed, long term partner. Perhaps
somewhat desperate and sending out desperate vibrations with
body language, vocabulary and the look in your eyes which tend
to drive people away. A colleague many years ago said that when
you are hungry and someone walks up to you they can be left
feeling like they might be the main meal.

We
are nearing the end of our work now so take care not to rush
as this particular building block must be securely in place
before you proceed.

1. I can trust men and women to whom I would be attracted
to.2. I have begun to understand that men and women are
much more alike than different in their responses to feelings
such as love, hate, intimacy and fear. 3. I can trust myself with my feelings. 4. I trust my feelings enough to act on them. 5. I am not afraid of becoming emotionally close to a
potential partner. 6. I am aware of the ways that I distance people. 7. I am building relationships that will help me to heal.
8. I am building healing and trusting relationships with
friends of both sexes. 9. I communicate with others where I am emotionally rather
than giving mixed messages. 10. I understand that not everyone is capable of being
trusted. 11. I am capable of trusting someone when it is appropriate.
12. I want to heal and experience intimacy again. 13. I am trying to live in the present in my relationships.
14. I realise that many of the early relationships after
my divorce may be short term. 15. I am taking risks in my relationships by exposing
my true feelings and thoughts. 16. I am truly interested in the friends around me rather
than desperately looking for another relationship.

When
you are just separated it is normal to be extremely fearful
of sex. However, during the adjustment process, you can develop
your personal morality to express your unique sexuality.

The single subculture emphasise authenticity, responsibility
and individuality more than rules. So you can discover what
you believe rather than what is expected of you. The great
difference in attitudes is that male and female sexuality
appears to be a myth. But your adjustment could be complicated
by the major changes currently taking place in female, male
and same sex identities.

Being separated and Middle aged is:

Not taking the rubbish for fear you'll miss that obscene phone
call.

Standing out in the middle of the dark parking lot and shouting
"Hey you muggers, the muggee is here."

Telling the guy who frisked you and demanded your money that
you have no money but if he'll frisk you again, you will write
him a cheque.

Putting a sign on your gate that read
'All trespassers will be violated."

Looking under the bed and hoping someone is there.

Comments by Lois group member exercise content.

What was your attitude to those swinging single people when
you were in a relationship? Did you wonder if they were sexual
athletes that they were rumoured to be? And did you fantasize
what it would be like to have a date with a different and
exciting person each night of the week?

Now you are single look at the people around you. Many are
spending evenings in alone. Many are out pretending to have
fun at singles events when in reality they are bored stiff.
Many times you spend an evening with a person that makes your
ex look attractive and desirable, and you never thought anyone
could be worse than your ex. And then everyone is going with
someone and then a short time later breaking up and you can't
even keep track of who is dating who. The contrast between
your fantasy of the wild single life and what it actually
is adds to your isolated and lonely feelings.

Take heart this part of the journey can be one of the most
difficult but it gets easier as you become accustomed to being
single. You have not been out on a date in years and the first
person you ask turns you down. You attend various events anxious
that someone will not approach and chat you up and equally
petrified that someone will. If someone should make a pass
at you then the thought is enough to make you stay at home,
alone, forever.

There are three stages in this rebuilding
block. Each of these three stages of sexuality affects
us personally a great deal as we go through the adjustment
process.

You had an available sexual relationship for all those years
and suddenly the long term committed relationship is not available
anymore. You are faced with all of the emotional and social
adjustment of ending a relationship including what to do with
your sexual desires.

The first step of the process,
while you are in deep grief, is lack of sexual interest or
maybe a complete inability to perform sexually. Women tend
to be completely uninterested in sex, men often are impotent.
Just when you are feeling a great deal of emotional pain,
the fact that you are uninterested or unable to perform sexually
adds to the pain. Many people would come to me saying,

'I was already hurting so much, and now I find that I can't
perform sexually. It feels like hitting rock bottom.'

When they learn that it is perfectly normal and natural to
be uninterested in sex while in deep grief, they feel greatly
relieved.

Somewhere along the divorce process, perhaps near the end
of the anger rebuilding block, you get through this stage
of not being able to perform sexually.

The
second step of the process.
Now at the next stage, you will probably go to the other extreme
and reach the horny stage. Your sexual desires are greater
than you have ever known in your whole life. It is almost
frightening because you feel almost out of control most of
the time. Peter described this stage as 'delicious torture.'
Because the needs and desires of this stage are so overwhelming,
it is important to understand the feelings and attitudes as
much as possible.

Among the many feelings present in the horny stage is a need
to prove that you are OK, personally and sexually. It is as
though you are trying to solve not only your sexual problems
but all of the other rebuilding blocks as well, using sex
as a method. You behaviour at the horny stage may be somewhat
compulsive because of this. You are trying to overcome loneliness,
to feel lovable again, to improve your self concept, to work
through some anger, to develop friendships and all of these
things are concentrated in the sexual drive. It is as though
your body is trying to heal itself through sexual expression
alone.

One
night stands are a popular way that people try to solve this
high sex drive stage. We see this portrayed in books and films
about ending of relationships. The need to go out and 'prove
that you are OK' may be great that you will do something sexually
that you had never done before.

Another important understanding about the horny stage is that
there is a great need for touching during this stage. As you
through the relationship separation process, you will probably
experience a heightened need to be physically touched. Touch
has remarkable, healing qualities. Depending upon the warmth
and closeness of your relationship, you likely received much
physical touching when you were together. Suddenly that touching
is not there anymore. Many people will try to meet their need
for physical touching with sex, not realising that there is
a very real difference between physical touching and sexual
touching. Although the two are entirely different, you can
resolve much of your need for sexual contact by getting the
physical touching you need.

You can resolve the needs of the high sex drive stage by methods
other than direct sexual contact if you understand that a
part of the compulsive drive behind this stage is to prove
that you are OK, and to feel good about yourself again, then
you can work directly on that. Building your identity and
self-confidence, and understanding that you are lovable can
overcome the loneliness and take away some of the pressures
of the high sex drive stage.

The stereotype about the separated person being sexually an
easy mark results from the high sex drive stage. During this
period, the separated person is an easy mark. The sexual drive
is tremendous. Many people going through the separation process
have sexual relationships somewhat promiscuously.

The third step in this process.Eventually
to you will overcome this stage and enter the third stage
of post separation sexuality in which your normal sex drive
resumes.

Not everyone going through the ending of a relationship process
goes through these three stages of sexuality. Some people
do not go into the celibate stage and some do not experience
the high sex drive stage however the stages are very common
and need to be recognised.

During the early stage of sexuality you are doing what you
should do, and then you go through a stage of ding what you
want to do. Most people going through such a process experience
the evolution of becoming free sexually in the sense that
they are suddenly aware of who they are and what their sexual
nature is. Essentially sexually monogamous in their committed
relationship some people when the relationship ends have many
sexual relationships before finally deciding on a monogamous
relationship because that is what they want.

We have blown sex out of proportion in the western society
perhaps because we hid it and denied it for so long. With
so much emphasis on sex now, it appears to have lost some
of its reality. Advertising is full of sex in order to sell
products. We revere youth and the supposed beauty, aliveness
and sexuality of youth. With such a daily overdose in the
media, it is tough to keep a proper perspective on sexuality
when it comes to relationships.

Usually missing from popular presentations is the spiritual
dimension of human sexuality. Sex is one way of transcending
our normal means of expressing ourselves, and it allows us
to show our love and concern for another person in a very
special and positive way. Sex can be a method of transporting
oneself to levels beyond the everyday, to become something
greater than what one normally is.

But this spiritual dimension that is present in sexuality
is also present in overcoming anger, in our ability to communicate,
in learning to like another person, and in learning to accept
and deal with all of the human emotions. Sexuality, when placed
in perspective, may be seen as only one of the many amazing
things that occur in our expression of connection with other
people.

We have covered a lot of ground and there is much we have
not explored. Sex is often a stumbling block for the single
person so be sure to explore these issues at this all important
rebuilding stage. Here are a few pointers for assessing your
progress.

1. I am comfortable going out with potential partners2. I know and can explain my present moral attitudes
and values3. I feel capable of having a deep and meaningful sexual
relationship if it were appropriate4. I would feel comfortable being intimate with another
partner5. My sexual behaviour is consistent with my morality
6. I am satisfied with my present dating situation
7. I believe that my personal sexuality expresses my
individual and unique morality 8. I feel satisfied with the way I am meeting my sexual
needs9. I take responsibility for my interaction with others
10. I have learned that male and female sexual attitudes
and value may be more alike than different11. I feel comfortable being with a person I am attracted
to12. I am secure enough to behave the way I want even
if it does not conform to the expectations of others13. I am not letting the compulsive needs of high sexual
drive control my behaviour14. I am solving the neediness of my stages of high
sexual drive in a manner that is acceptable to me15. I understand and accept that many people will have
no desire and may be unable to perform sexually while grieving
for a lost relationship16. I am receiving my quota of hugs each week

Most
committed relationships that end in separation where out of
balance in terms of responsibility. One partner was over-responsible
and the other was under-responsible. When couples try to change
this system of interaction, it is often the beginning of the
end of the relationship for some people.

Feelings and attitudes within us keep us operating in the
under-responsible or over responsible style; one may have
to make some major changes in order to come from an adult
flourishing relationship view. Equal responsibility relationships
are more flexible and able to adjust to stress and change
and therefore are more likely to last.

In my first marriage I took care of him. In my second marriage I let my partner take care of me.
Maybe next time I will be able to have an adult relationship.

Have you noticed how there are some people who seem to like
to carry others, fuss over them, and help them make lunch?
They seem more interested in taking care of others in contrast
to looking after and caring for their own needs in equal balance.
Of course it takes both kinds of people to make this work
for there are others who are always wanting someone to take
care of them. They do not seem able to make it and 'need help'
from someone else.

Notice
also the 'Sergeants' ordering everyone around and acting as
though they know how things should be done. They are heard
saying 'You should...' or 'You ought...,' and
are critical of people in life. The people they order around
and criticize tend to be either helpless and obedient or rebellious
and disobedient.

Experience has shown that 99 per cent of people attending
seminars discover that they had an imbalance of responsibility
in their relationships. This appears to be a major cause of
marital breakdown because the responsibility is not equal;
the relationship is not flexible enough to adjust to stress
and change.

Take moment to look back at your relationship. Where you the
over-responsible helper, the dominating person? Or perhaps
you were the under responsible, 'helpless' or rebellious partner?
If either of you tried to change this pattern, the relationship
became troubled -and that was maybe the beginning of the end
and the person who tried to change this rigid structure of
responsibility into a more flexible adult relationship is
often looked upon as the bad person who upset the apple cart.
I hope you can start simply describing what happened instead
of needing to label people as good and bad people. Life is
a process of changing and the person who instigates change
may simply be a part of the life process.

Using my work from transactional analysis what I am talking
about is similar to the terms parent and child ego states.
One aspect of the parent ego state is the over responsible
part of the personality, and the child ego state is the under
responsible part of the personality. Sigmund Freud also used
similar terms when he talked about the super-ego (the potentially
over responsible aspect of personality) and the id (the under-responsible
part of personality).

The under and over responsible parts of personality not only
come into play when we interact with others, but are important
within ourselves and how we dialogue with these aspects of
self.

Eric
Berne's model is one where he created the following elements
which I have used in countless settings when working with
individuals and groups in my career:

The
Critical Parent -

The
Nurturing Parent
-

The
Adult
-

The
Free Child
-

The
Adapted Child
-

Most of my clients over the past thirty five years who have
worked with me were having an internal war between the over
and under responsible parts of their personalities. This internal
strife was consuming much of their emotional energy. They
were looking for the internal peace of mind. Either the over
responsible part of the personality is winning the war leaving
them to feel guilty, drained, inhibited, controlled and driven;
or the under responsible part was winning and they were impulsive,
violent, irresponsible, helpless. Whichever side is winning,
the losing side is continually striking back and the war goes
on. Some participants in my seminars report the major emotional
issues were not in their relationship and between their partner
and then but within themselves, and their partner was the
spectator and not the participant.

Not resolving this inner conflict can have serious consequences
for one's relationships.

In
one seminar, Charlie began to introduce himself to the group.

'My name is Charlie and I have been married for 31 years...'

At this point, he broke down and cried. Later during the discussion
session at the end of the evening seminar Charlie asked if
he had been the over responsible helper in his marriage. When
one of the group said they felt he had been, Charlie asked

'Does
my being over responsible have anything to do with her dumping
me?'

A woman in the group stated profoundly,

'Kids grow up and leave home, Charlie.'

This graphic description allowed Charlie to see beyond the
blaming and guilt.

The vast majority of participants in my seminars call themselves
over responsible. I was puzzled by this: shouldn't there be
an equal number of over or under responsible people taking
this seminar? To find the answer, I went to work to better
understand these over responsible people.

A close look at the two types of over responsible people shows
that they are not just giving others a hand when it is needed
to make it through a difficult time. They seem to be busy
finding people to rescue so that neither the rescuer nor the
person being rescued makes good progress. They seem to enjoy
looking after the other person rather than being responsible
for themselves. It seems obvious that they need to get on
with their own lives.

These people are great at giving to others, but have difficulty
taking gifts, compliments, help from others. They learned
at an early age to get their emotional kicks and rewards by
taking care of others.

Frank was ten when his father was seriously injured. Frank
took over the responsibility for running the home and not
only did the physical work but he also made the decisions.
He became an over responsible young man, receiving recognition
for how grown up he acted. Unfortunately, even in his relationship
he never was able to develop the fun loving 'irresponsible
child' part of his personality. After his separation he was
able to go through his teenage development and to become a
more complete whole person. Many over responsible helping
people are nurturing others because they need to be nurtured.
They learned to take care of others to compensate for their
feelings of loneliness, lack of emotional nurturing, and feelings
of rejection. Simply, how can you reject someone who is taking
care of you?........

In her relationship, Mary was always very responsible with
the money. She decided how to spend the money, even though
many times Carl would criticize how much money she was spending.
She usually also set the alarm clock before they went to bed,
would shut if off in the morning, and always made sure Carl
got up on time to make it to work. One day Mary realised she
had three other children and she was tired of being married
to a child.

She began to change things so Carl had to take more responsibility,
such as sorting out the money and getting himself to work
in the morning. Shortly after that he began an affair with
another woman.

As another example Karen was reluctant to take the seminar
because she wanted a course that would help her children.
After we discussed how the over responsible person is a good
giver but poor taker, I asked if I could give her a hug. She
jumped at the opportunity, came rushing over to me and gave
me a hug. I backed off and pointed out that I would give her
a hug.

'I'll try to take a hug,'

she said, and stood there stiff as a board, stiff and uncomfortable.
After about two seconds she said, 'I can't stand it anymore!'
and grabbed me again. Since the homework for that week was
for the nurturing person to take, I emphasised to Karen that
she needed to work on her homework.

Next week she came back and shared with the group how she
had worked at letting her children give back to her. It was
such an important change in her behaviour and she shed some
tears while talking to the group. I again asked if I could
give her a hug and she said 'yes', whilst waiting for me to
come to her. I hugged her and she broke into uncontrollable
sobbing and shared with the group that this was the first
time she had really been able to emotionally take since she
was a child.

If you scratch the surface of an over responsible helping
person, you usually find a child part of that person that
needs to be loved unconditionally.

Are you one of these over responsible helping people? If so,
do you realise how easy it is for you to continue in that
role when you enter another relationship? Remember the example
earlier of Margaret liked to bring home stray cats and nurse
them to good health. She grew up, brought home another stray
cat and married him.

She knew he drank a little while they were 'courting' but
she had no idea he was an alcoholic. She was able to leave
and divorce him, but she found, after several more relationships,
that she was continuing the pattern. If you don't change yourself
internally, you will probably find yourself continuing self-defeating
patterns. You too could be 'bringing home stray cats!'

Now to some suggestions for you to explore in creating change.
Here is the homework that we use in the seminars to help people
begin to change this pattern of giving and never taking.

The first is to say 'no' next time a person asks you to do
something. The over responsible style which transactional
analysis calls 'nurturing parent behaviour' is to always say
'yes' to anything anyone asks of you. 'You can always depend
on old Mary to do a responsible job.'

But saying 'no' is only part of the homework. The second part
of this assignment is to ask someone to do something for you.
Do not pay for it, do not promise to do something in return.
Don't cheat and explain that it was suggested as part of your
homework. Just ask.

Are you now aware of your fear of being rejected? Most of
you learned to be the helping person to compensate for feelings
of rejection, so this homework not only attempts to change
the giving and never taking style that drained you emotionally,
but it also forces you to deal with the possibility of rejection.

The more extreme you are in this helping role, the more difficult
this homework will be for you. I can almost hear some of you
exclaim,

'I
can't ask anyone to do something for me!'

I
have had many people over the past twenty years in my seminars
who said this. My response is:

'Some
of you may not be strong enough to change at this time. Maybe
you'll be able to even if you think you can't. Give it a try,
maybe it will be easier than you think.'

Some people hold the sexist view that it is only females that
become over responsible helping people. I believe that our
society does encourage women to play the helping role saying
in many ways that a 'woman's role is to help and support her
husband.' But in my seminars males are just as often over
responsible helps, so it appears that development of the over
responsible helping personality has to do with other factors
than whether you were born male or female.

Let's look again at why so many participants in my seminars
are helping people. One answer is that they are continuing
the pattern of being over responsible; they take the seminar
because that would be a responsible thing to do. But underneath
I believe there is another need operating. Because the seminar
is emotionally warm and supportive, people take the seminar
to get the nurturing they need. Signing up for a one to one
is equally affirming as a connection to having your needs
me in terms of being heard, witnessed as well as exploring
ways of changing which are for you and you only.

The past pattern of interaction leaves them feeling emotionally
drained and hungry for nurturing. It appears that one step
toward overcoming the pattern of parental, over responsible
helper is to become an under responsible taking child for
a time. Filling our own needs helps us to become balanced,
which lead to adultness and to equal responsibility in our
next relationship.

What is the difference between over responsible helping people
and those spiritually concerned people who are caring and
concerned about others? I use the classic 'fish story' to
illustrate the difference. One way to help a hungry person
is for the rescuer to give him or her a fish. The next day
the hungry person comes again and the rescuer gives another
fish. Pretty soon the hungry one is 'hooked' (the person not
the fish). An adult helper teaches the hungry person to fish.
The rescuer has need to take care of others so giving the
fish meets his or her needs more than it does the hungry person.
The adult becomes the teacher and finds the satisfaction from
seeing the other person learn to meet his or her own needs.

Let's switch now to the other type of over responsible person
the critical and domineering 'Sergeant'. Barbara told the
seminar that she always felt little and helpless with her
husband. When she started to stick up for herself and not
give in to Sam's domination, the marriage began to crumble.
Barbara felt guilty 'like the bad person' but the group helped
her to see that it is better to simply describe change and
how it affects the relationship, rather than labelling people
as good or bad.

Barbara has trouble understanding why Sam is having such a
difficult time adjusting to single life. He keeps coming back
to her like a lost puppy does searching for his master. 'He
dominated me all the time and so why does he appear to be
so lost and needy?' can you imagine, Barbara, said how this
was how the Sergeant would feel it the platoon of recruits
that he has been ordering around were all suddenly gone.

Over responsible people, whether the helping or dominating
type, need someone to take care of as part of their identity.
It is as though they have to be carried on the shoulders of
another person in order to be tall. When it happens that submissive
peoples leave their old relationship, either physically or
emotionally, the dominating partners crumble like a house
of playing cards. They easily become vulnerable because they
are so fragile.

Have you thought how difficult it is to be perfect? How hard
you strive to please? How hard you are on yourself? Those
years of criticism in childhood are bound to result in some
insecure, anxious, fearful feelings. Many people compensate
for these feelings by striving to be perfect in order to feel
loved. Others push those close to them to 'do better' through
criticism and by creating demands that can never be satisfied.

The alcoholic personality has a large part that is self-critical.
Drinking first diminishes the power of the parental and critical
part of the personality, then the rational, adult part, and
then sadly the fun loving child part, and the process finally
results in unconsciousness. Many alcoholics drink enough to
diminish the critical part of the personality; that is an
important cause of their drinking; allowing the 'child inside'
to have fun but then the child is no longer present. Wouldn't
it be nice to learn to have fun and be ourselves without having
to drink to do it?

Here is some homework that has proven to be effective for
people in my seminars. If what you are really trying to do
is to become perfect, realise that no one can be perfect,
and stop trying.

Next week, stop all compulsive behaviour that you feel you
MUST do.

A good example for most critical people; stop making your
bed every morning. 'Oh, I can't do that. I can't leave that
room without making the bed. The room looks so messy. I'd
sooner be late for work than leave the room messy.' Think
about what your compulsive behaviour is. What is it that you
think you have to do every day? Is it really 'critically'
important to your life?

George, who attended a talk about relationship rebuilding,
started thinking about that and he adopted a new motto for
life whilst adjusting to his ending of his relationship 'it
doesn't matter.' In letting go of the parental and critical
part of our personalities, we have to become somewhat irresponsible
in an almost childlike way. Many people have to go through
a 'childish' stage in order to leave the parental position
and reach adultness.

Since over responsible people need to learn to take responsibility
for their own behaviour instead of that of others, they find
this homework assignment helpful: when you notice someone
close to you is acting in a rebellious manner, monitor your
own behaviour and determine if you are setting this up with
your style of interaction.

I mentioned earlier that there are relatively few of the under
responsible types of people in my seminars. Usually these
people learned at an early age that all they had to do was
play helpless and someone would take care of them. Typically
their vocabulary is 'I don't know how', ''I need someone to
teach me' I feel so frightened that I can't do it.' These
people have trouble balancing their bank statement, seldom
if ever make their beds, always leave decisions up to the
over responsible person. Some of them, those who really believe
they are helpless, have so little confidence in their capacities
that they are unwilling to try to be self-sufficient. The
rebellious ones, on the other hand, go through life intentionally
irresponsible and carefree, and if something goes wrong they
take no responsibility: 'It's your fault!' Embarking on self-work
is the last thing in their lives that they would ever consider.

It is easy for me to give under responsible people some homework,
but they either comply, which leaves the responsibility upon
me, or are under responsible and do not do the homework rationalising
that it was far too hard. So my suggestion for you under responsible
people is to figure out your own homework. If you really want
to change, you will find ways of becoming more responsible.
And I will listen to your behaviour rather than your words.
I have heard the words many, many times.

Isn't it interesting. To change any behaviour, the person
first has to become responsible for her or his own behaviour.
It is often believed that the over responsible person, with
a more parental behaviour style, is somehow more mature. Under
and over responsible behaviour are both immature, and there
is little difference between the two in this respect. Maturity
is a process of becoming more responsible for one's own behaviour;
adultness is a state of assuming responsibility in a mature
manner.

Incidentally, an important goal is to allow ourselves flexibility
in taking responsibility. When we come home tired from a difficult
day at work, it is appropriate to allow ourselves the luxury
of being cared for. (The over responsible person becomes more
so when tired; and the under responsible person becomes more
that way when tired.)

So
allow someone to bring you a drink, to hold you, to listen
to you share your troubles of the day. One the other hand
you may become over responsible when another is sick, when
one has a need to 'play little,' to be cared for. With flexibility
you can adjust and function at an appropriate level of responsibility.
This flexibility is adultness; you choose the type of interaction
rather than allowing it to choose you.

You
are flexible within yourself as to how responsible you are
in a situation, and you are also flexible in your interactions
with others. This flexibility allows the adult relationship
to adjust to change and stress that occurs as a part of the
process of life and living it.

Here is a brief exercise which may help you to more fully
understand these different types of interactions, so that
you may monitor your own growth. As you read through the six
situations, note that each has three different responses;
illustrating over and under responsible, and adult behaviour.
There is no 'score' for this exercise; simply note the way
each style shows itself in everyday situations.

1. The single mother is leaving on a
date. Her oldest daughter's farewell comment is:

A: 'be sure to get
home early tonight, Mum' B: 'I'd like a phone
number where I can reach you if I need to' C: 'Wow, kids, will
we have fun tonight while Mum is gone!'

2.
The wife makes these comments after she has been informed
by her husband that he wants a divorce:

A: 'I never was good
enough for you' B: 'Maybe we should
discuss our problem with a marriage counsellor' C: 'You should learn
to take responsibility for your life instead of running away
like a child'

A:
'I can see that you're angry with
me and wish that I would act differently' B: 'I've don't everything
I could possible do for you; about time you grew up!'
C: 'So - big deal!
Who cares?'

4. The woman asks for an unreasonable property settlement,
and the man's response is:A: 'I'm going to hire
the meanest solicitor in town to teach you a lesson'B: 'I think we should
talk to a third party to help mediate this dispute'C: 'I'm tired of fighting.
You have everything you want'

5. A noncustodial father has taken the
children to visit him while a new girlfriend is present, and
the mother's response is:

A:
'You chose to be with that woman instead of me, so my children
are never going to be around while she is there'
B: 'Do you think I
want my children seeing their father acting like a teenager?'
C: 'Our children will
need a lot of time and attention from you while they're visiting
you. Will you be able to give them the quality time they need
while your girlfriend is present?'

Many
times in ending your relationship you did not respond at an
adult level with your former partner. While you are ending
the relationship, I strongly suggest that you try to remain
as adult as possible when talking and communicating with your
ex. Otherwise it will be easy them to hook you into being
under or over responsible, with resulting arguments and bad
feelings.

Communication between the two of you is enhanced if you can
have adult interactions, and it is valuable practice for other
relationships as well.

Awareness, understanding, and knowledge lead us to more adultness
both in our behaviour with others and within ourselves. What
you have explored can help you to become more adult. Here
is a check list for you to evaluate your development of more
adult behaviour.

1. I can identify my behaviour as to over or under
responsibility, and adultness. 2. I can see the over and under responsible behaviour
in my past relationship, both in myself
and my partner3. I believe that past patterns of interaction can
be changed4. I am doing the homework suggested to change my behaviour
toward more adultness5. I am building adult relationships at this time 6. I am allowing myself flexibility, to behave with
whatever responsibility is appropriate 7. I expect to continue to build adult relationships
in the future

Here
you emphasize investment in your own personal growth rather
than in relationships. A period of singleness enables you
to build confidence in yourself so you can experience and
enjoy being single as an acceptable alternative lifestyle
and not as a time to be lonely.. It is easy to become stuck
in this rebuilding block as a means of avoiding another intimate
relationship.

I've become aware that living as a single person is an
affirmation of strength and self - not embarrassing admission
of failure.

I'm more relaxed in the company of others - I no longer am
wasting emotional energy being a social chameleon.

I am happy as a single person- something I had not thought
possible before. Larry

Many people never learned to be single people before they
entered a committed relationship. They went from parental
homes to sharing a home with their partner, never even considering
that one could be happy living as a single person, and never
questioned the myth that once in a committed relationship
they would live happy ever after life.

Carol lived with her parents until she married Joe. She went
from pleasing one man, her father, to pleasing another man,
her husband. So, when Joe talked about leaving, she clung
to him because the thought of living alone as terrifying.
She had never learned to please herself. She had always been
a dependent person; and now the thought of being independent,
although challenging, was frightening. She was embarrassed
because it really sounded silly to her that a woman of 25
did not know her own mind, or know what to do with her life.

Gradually she adjusted to being alone. At first she searched
for other relationships, something/someone to lean on. As
she became more and more confident, she began doing more things
for herself and enjoying it. She wallpapered a whole bedroom;
sawed the boards and pounded the nails for a new patio fence;
went to a film by herself while the children were with Joe;
and even enjoyed stumbling alone in the dark trying to find
a seat. She invited the whole neighbourhood in for a party.
These activities left her feeling exhilarated, knowing that
she did not need anyone. She was a good example of a woman
being liberated.

Jim represents the male side of this same coin. He had been
well cared for by his mother. The clothes were always washed
and ironed, meals were on time, and even his room was kept
clean. He could devote his time to study and then later his
job. When he entered university he lived in student accommodation.
Again his meals were provided and he a minimum of housekeeping
chores. The he married and Janet who did all the things that
his mother had always done. He felt independent and did not
realise how dependent he actually was. But he found out when
he left Janet.

He
was helpless in the kitchen, even in preparing the simplest
meal. He had very little understanding of how to wash his
clothes and ended up with pink underwear when he put them
in the wash, He could pay for car maintenance on his wage,
but it is difficult - and very expensive - to hire a full-time
cook and housekeeper.

Gradually Jim's self-prepared meals improved. Initially he
got brave enough to invite a female friend to his home to
eat, and she was delighted with the meal he prepared. His
clothes began to look more cared for. He was very pleased
and proud when he learned to iron his own shirts. He felt
that learning to care for himself was like growing up - each
accomplishment left a feeling of success and achievement.

But the singleness I am talking about is much more than learning
to do the tasks that someone else has done for you. It is
a whole way of life. Dating and relationships are a good example.
A typical comment from a recently separated person might help,
'I'll never make it as a single person; I need another relationship.'
During the singleness stage, the same person might say, 'Why
go into another committed relationship? I can come and go
as I please. I can eat whenever I feel like it. I don't have
to adjust my daily living habits to another person. Being
single really does feel good!'

Before the singleness stage, one may be looking for the 'lost
half.' But during this stage one reached the point of comfort
in going out alone. No longer is a 'date' necessary to avoid
embarrassment or feeling a failure. The quality of relationships
improves, since one now chooses who to go out with spending
time together sharing rather than needing. Other people may
be encountered and enjoyed for who they are, rather than as
a potential lifetime companions.

One of the homework assignments in our seminars has to do
with developing new interests in the singleness stage. Many
have spent their free, recreational times in the past doing
what the partner wanted or what they had learned to do with
their parents. The assignment is simply to take the time to
develop a new interest, or to pursue something that one may
have wanted to do for a long time.

In the last session write up I discussed adult responsibility
and parent-child behaviour. Perhaps now you see how the singleness
stage allows us to change these roles. Because the roles we
act out in our relationships are so closely related to our
internal attitude and feelings, we change inside as we change
our external roles. It is easier to do this in the singleness
stage than when we are in a permanent relationships. A neutral
environment facilitates both internal and external changes.
The singleness stage is a key period to make the internal
changes in attitudes and feelings necessary for personal growth.

Parenting is difficult during the singleness stage. In earlier
stages parents frequently bend themselves out of shape trying
make sure they are lovable, datable, and okay in many other
ways. The children suffer; their needs are put on the '; back-burner
in the singleness stage, parents usually are more responsive
to the needs of the children. Susan had been volunteering
in the seminars because she 'needed' to feel worthwhile by
helping others. When she began to reach the singleness stage,
she resigned as a volunteer because she wanted to spend more
time with her children. Parents in the singleness stage have
begun to rise above their own emotional needs.

It often takes a great deal of inner security to handle to
the singleness stage successfully. Much of the discussion
in this section concerns the internal feelings present in
the singleness stage. As you have worked your way with me
through the earlier rebuilding blocks, it is likely that you
are able to experience the peacefulness and calmness that
occurs in the singleness stage. You may become slightly upset
about the attitudes of others, but you will feel strong enough
to handle them.

We learn from the external prejudices and use them to become
more secure in our own internal feelings and develop some
assertive responses for the most common put-downs and discriminatory
acts. You can also help to educate others, while maintaining
your own integrity, by responding firmly and you will feel
better inside, too, rather than going away fuming.
Singleness can be one of the most productive stages you go
through the journey, in the sense that the old wounds can
really be healed. Dealing with the external discrimination
may help you to become stronger inside.

The singleness stage is an easy stage in which to become stuck.
If you have not worked through all of the leftovers concerning
relationships and intimacy, you may use the singleness stage
as a place to hide. It may sound like the singleness when
you hear someone say 'I'll never enter another relationship
again.' But in many ways that is the opposite of genuine singleness.
Fear of intimacy, avoidance of feelings and opposition to
future relationships as though it were the worst experience
in our society all indicate that the person is stuck. The
goal is to be free to choose singleness or to enter another
relationship, not to stay single for ever.

Singleness has become acceptable alternative in our society.
Earlier a single person was looked upon in communities as
somewhat weird, one who just did not quite make it to the
altar. Attitudes have changed and after a talk I gave recently
where a woman wanted to know why we had to keep talking about
relationships. She said was it not just as valid to talk about
remaining single? Did we have to keep looking toward being
a relationship as the ideal?

Here
are some items to check through at this stage. 1. I am comfortable being single.2. I can be happy as a single person. 3. I am comfortable going to social events as a single
person. 4. I am becoming a whole person rather than a half
person looking for my other lost half. 5. I am spending time investing in my own personal
growth rather than looking for another relationship.
6. I can look at my friends as people I want to be
with rather than as a potential partner. 7. If I have children and family, I can spend time
enjoying being with them rather than begrudging the time they
take from my personal life. 8. I have found internal peace and contentment as a
single person.

We
are now at the top of the rebuilding journey and we have
arrived at FREEDOM.

By working with me through the rebuilding blocks you can
now build more meaningful relationships for the future.
Why? Because you have the FREEDOM
to choose to either be free and happy as a single person
or in another relationship. Freedom is being to be fully
you.

But before we explore this in our next session think back
over the process we have worked through.

" What was the most enjoyable and interesting part
for you?"

" What was the most difficult and challenging?

" Now, what was the most painful?

As you take some time to write down your thoughts can you
now identify the many changes that have taken place within
you? Have you reached a place of embracing these shifts
emotionally or are these experiences still in our logical
conscious mind?

Think about what it now feels like to have reached the end
of our work and journey together and all the hard work which
has unfolded for you to journey through YOUR personal growth.
Please, take as much time as you want before you go on reading.

On the singleness part of the journey I hope you found not
only that it feels good to be single, but that it may be
the most productive behaviour at this point in your life.
Now you need to think about what working your way through
these rebuilding blocks has done to in terms of the way
you interact with those around you. The way you react to
loneliness, grief, rejection, guilt, anger and love significantly
determines how you handle your daily life and your interactions
with others.

Many people have had considerable difficulty with one or
more of the rebuilding blocks after a relationship ends.
As we have worked through the rebuilding process, overcoming
each stumbling blocks, then you are able to enter into another
relationship and make it more productive that the last one.
You will be able to meet your own needs and the needs of
your loved one(s) much better than in the past. Rebuilding
not only helps you to survive the crisis, but it also enhances
your future relationships.

Perhaps you were widowed and were satisfied with the happiness
you felt in your last relationship. Research indicates that
people who were widowed have future relationships which
are more likely to last. Being widowed is a painful and
very difficult adjustment process, and most of the rebuilding
blocks are helpful to those who are going through the process.
Many widowed people, however, do not have one of the toughest
adjustments - that of dealing with the previous unhappy
relationship.

For many people who have moved on from such an unhappy relationship,
the journey is so difficult that they feel like giving up
before the reach this freedom stage. I have heard countless
people say, 'I want to stop and rest. I'm tired of growing.'
Many people do stop along the way because they are tired,
frightened, or feel unable to handle the change. My response
is the same I would to someone mountain climbing: sit and
rest; get your energy back; then keep on climbing because
the journey for you is worth it and not impossible as many,
many people have successfully completed the process. Do
you have the self-discipline, desire, courage and stamina
to make it?

I will be honest I cannot promise that you will be happier,
or wealthier, or more fulfilled if you complete the journey.
The hard fact is that you will not necessarily find another,
'just right' person with whom to create a lasting relationship.
What you will find is that you like yourself better, you
can enjoy being alone and single, and the people who you
meet who have completed the journey are pretty special at
many levels.

It is true that there are fewer people like yourself who
have had the courage to complete this all important, challenging
and liberating journey. Many are still playing social games,
hiding behind emotional walls and finding excuses not to
embark on the life journey. The lack of numbers here may
make the process of finding new friends and potential lovers
more difficult. But I have found that the relationships
with others who have completed this journey have such a
higher quality that quantity is not so important.

When you have completed the journey you give on great vibrations
and there are many people who are attracted to you. So this
is not a lonely place in comparison with those earlier rebuilding
blocks you have explored and we have been working through.
And if you still feel lonely, maybe you have not reached
the end of this journey emotionally but we have created
the right foundations for you continue and explore with.

You may get discouraged at times when you realise that the
old patterns have crept back and you really have not changed
as much as you thought. Keep up the determination and you
will make it so do not get discouraged as it may come slowly.

You may greatly fear the unknown future. You are not alone.
It may be learning to be single; it may be not knowing what
to expect or what is expected of you. How do you feel the
first time you drive or ride in a new city that is unfamiliar
to you? Confused, lost, uncertain? How about the way you
feel the first time you go to a singles party? There is
a certain amount of comfort in the known.

I have talked at great length about the importance of being
single. Let me talk about the importance of relationships.
We can become whole by emotionally working hard at becoming
whole. But I believe there is a part of each of us that
needs another person to help us become completely fulfilled.

When you were in the pits of your crisis, you gave no thought
to plans and goals for the future. Part of your grief was
concerned with loss of future, since you had to give up
the plans and goals you had in that relationship. But when
you came out of the pits, you began looking to the future
and making plans again.

Ernie, a member of one of my seminars who worked in a hospital,
told the group one evening,

'It's like the process in the hospital psych wards. There's
a crafts room where the patients spend time. When patients
are first admitted, they have no energy to work on crafts,
but when they begin to be really interested in crafts, this
is a good indication that they're ready to be discharged.
I felt ready to be discharged from the divorce pits when
I started making plans for the future.'

My research has found that recently separated people, and
especially dumpees, are very much 'living in the past,'
thinking mostly about how it 'used to be.' Further along
the process, people stop living in the past and start living
in the present, enjoying their current view of life and
living it.

Recently separated people, and again especially dumpees
(those whose partner ended the relationship), are very dependent
upon others. As people grow further in the process, they
gain more independence, and find a good balance between
independence and dependence. Have you found a good balance
between dependence and independence?

HOW
ARE YOU DOING?

1. I am able to put into words what I am feeling2. I am able to communicate to another person what
I am feeling 3. I have at least one close friend of each sex that
I can ask for help when I am in need of support4. I can express my anger in a positive manner that
is not destructive to me or to those around me 5. I am keeping a journal of my feelings and attitudes
as I adjust to my transitionary journey6. I have made at least one new friend, or renewed
an old friendship in the past month7. I have invested quality time with a least one
friend this past week8. I have identified which of the rebuilding blocks
I need to work on, and have made a plan to start my further
work9. I have invested time into a growing experience
such as reading a good book, taking an education
class, attending an interesting lecture, or watching an
educational programme on TV this past week10. I have seriously considered if I would benefit
from a therapy relationship in order to enhance my personal
growth to speed up my adjustment process11. I have received my quota of 'hugs' from my friends
this week 12. I have spent time by myself either in prayer,
meditation, or solitary thought this past week 13. I have nurtured myself with a kind deed this
past week14. I listen to aches, tensions, and feelings in
my body to learn more about myself15. I exercise regularly be this walking, running
or doing some form of physical activity16. I have made at least one change in my daily living
habits that I feel good about this week 17. I nourish my body with adequate diet 18. I have given emotionally to myself to at least
one friend this past week19. I have invested in my spiritual growth this past
week 20. I like being the person I am 21. I am making plans for my future 22. I have let the 'natural child' within me have
fun the past week 23. I am not carrying around pent up feelings of
anger, grief, loneliness, rejection, or guilt but
have learned to express then in order to rid myself
of them 24. I am much more in control of my life than I was
when my past relationship ended25. I am experiencing the feeling of freedom to be
myself 26. I am actively using the concepts learned from
this course to help speed up my adjustment process

Well,
how are you doing? Are you satisfied with your self evaluation?
I am going to summarise some of the important concepts that
we have explored.
What is the freedom we all seem to be striving for?
Freedom is something you find inside of you. And you find
it by becoming free from unmet needs which control you,
such as the need to avoid being alone, the need to feel
guilty, the need to find a critical parent to please, or
the need to get free from your own parent within you.'

The final stage of freedom
is about doing what you want for yourself, the life that
you choose where you can be free of the bonds that have
kept you from being the person you would like to be. The
person that you were meant to be; the person you are capable
of being. Our worst enemies are those within us, and it
is those demons from which we need to free ourselves.

Reaching
this stage not only gives us the freedom of choice to seek
happiness either alone or in another relationship it also
gives us the freedom to be ourselves.