Thank Zod It’s Friday! – March 8, 2019 Edition

The cutting lasers of my eyes
The fluffy tufts of my chest hair
The V of my suit draws your gaze
Do you know how many mortals I have killed?
Your love has me in turning hula hoops
Your red lips are brighter than my eye lasers
I see you on the internet
But you live in my heart
I see you on the internet
But you live in my heart
Christi-Na Hend-Ricks
Call General Zod
Call him

And now, relationship advice:

The man formerly known as Spider-Man 2878 writes:

General Zod,

If you were in movies such as the Wizard of Oz, Mary Poppins, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, and Peter pan what would you change in those films?

Zod has been in a situation akin to the Wizard of Oz, and Zod knows exactly how he would react. Sent spinning from his ordinary home into a new and foreign place with strange customs, Zod acquited himself nicely by flying to the seat of power, demanding fealty of the highest power in the land, and fighting them.

To that end, I would fly straight to the Emerald City and challenge Dorothy’s house to single combat. Make no mistake. Zod would prevail.

Mary Poppins would be a short film with General Zod. The father would place a call for a nanny, and Zod would then mercilessly slaughter the competition and reduce the Banks children to ash, before informing George his babysitting problems are solved. Zod would then more than likely fight that dude on the roof with the cannon, as the only viable combat in the vicinity.

Zod actually approves of Willy Wonka as it stands. Children tortured for being buttheads is generally something Zod approves of. The sole change he would make is busting into the great glass elevator and throwing Wonka and Bucket to their deaths in the last two minutes of the film, chortling and saying, “Now we shall see exactly what General Zod can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate!”

Zod would also employ Slugworth, but this is meta, it would happen after the end of the film.

As for Peter Pan, Zod believes that the Pan would actually form a decent challenge for his personage. The boy is quick, nimble, witty, and he has a formidable adversary in the form of a pirate who is more than willing to slaughter children.

Another thing about Peter Pan that is absolutely terrifying and wonderful, if you read the book, is that Peter Pan actually has all of his baby teeth still, despite advanced age. This is, quite literally, terrifying even to one as brave and that has seen as much as your general.

So Zod would definitely hunt him down and take those teeth, shivering all the while. Come to me, Peter Pan! I defy you! Come, come and… stop. Stop smiling. Dear Zod, stop that smiling. Ew.

Have you ever heard of Ming the Merciless? He’s the arch nemesis of the earth hero Flash Gordon. What is your opinion about this alien dictator? Would you consider him a friend or a foe?

Ming the Merciless. Ah, yes. Zod has heard of Ming. Zod is a fan of the pulps, and has been for some time, as Zod’s villainy springs firmly from the pulp tradition. Kryptonian pulps featured a character like Ming, called Zing.

The problem is, both Ming and Zing are somewhat racist caricatures, representing the iconography of “yellow (or in Krypton’s case blue) peril.”

When a villain’s villainy is derived in part from racist fear, it is difficult to admire the character, despite the obvious effect racism has on granting power to the wicked. See what that orange buttmonkey is doing for an example of that.

The problem is, though Zod is, himself, a great villain, even he can see the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward racists being despised no matter what they accomplish. It is far more productive to be a villain for reasons of straight-up greed. You can name three billionaires easily, but fewer know Ming.

Hell, the most known racists are only known so people can spit at their name.

Greed is better for villainy. Greed is good.

Thank you again for your time General.

Sincerely,

Superman 2878

You are welcome, son of our jailer man.

And now, a final poem:

Eye lasers are red
The son of our jailer’s underoos are blue
You will bow down before me, Jor-El
You will die as you deserve to.