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Tuesday, July 05, 2011

How To Write Real Bad

by L.S.S

Two words of introduction. First, I myself have been guilty of populating the world with much bad writing. I know whereof I speak, and I want to publicly apologize to Mrs. Kimble, my 9th grade English teacher, for the amount of red ink she spilled on my papers. Second, because I already feel the angry emails from English teachers, please remember that this is satire and, "in satire, irony is militant (Northrop Frye)." Put down the red pen Mrs. Kimble. Put it down, and back away slowly.

The goal, of course, is to help us all, write REALLY REALLY goodly!!! (I know. That sentence was bad. Satire! Just goes to show that grammar is underrated).

1. Use Sloppy Research Methods.

First of all, don't do any research. Instead, make up your own sources.

In the footnotes you can use sources like:

Footnote 1: My mom.

Footnote 2: A guy from class.
Footnote 3: A book I read one time.
Footnote 3: Self.
Footnote 4: E!News, "The Entertainment Channel," August, One Time Last Year.

2. USE ALL CAPS TO MAKE YOUR POINT.

NOTHING GIVES YOUR READER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU ARE A CRAZED MADMAN QUITE LIKE A BARRAGE OF ALL CAPS!!!

Pretty much, if you like to need to fill like space, then use a word like like.

5. Be a literary nomad.

Instead of moving logically from one topic to another, jump from point to point in an aimless way.

Better yet, after you finish writing, close your eyes, mix all the pages up, and then staple them back together.

6. Take a hibernation from correct punctuation.

Avoid periods between sentences... instead... just use ellipsis!!!! Write a paper that has lots of dashes -- because dashes connect things -- better than a period, or semi-colon... in fact -- why should you even use capital letters to begin sentences... who made up, that rule???!!!

7. And in conclusion... end your work without a conclusion.

The last paragraph should be devoted to a completely new theme. Next, the goal is to end your paper so suddenly that your reader never saw it coming.

It important to use ellipsis at the every end. It will leave your reader looking under the desk for a missing page... like there was one more thing...