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4.16.2011

Looking Back

Today ended up being a cold, dreary day. A day that I looked back instead of forward. A day where everything that I have been running from finally caught up with me. My momma would always say that no matter what happens in our lives, God is going to use us, and through our pain, we will be able to help other people. And, I've always known that to be true, and I've even put it into practice. But for some reason the fact that I finally opened up to someone at college about some of the stuff that I have struggled with has made this day really difficult. I am so thankful that I was able to talk with someone here about that stuff, because I have recently been longing for that intimacy and closeness with a friend, and for someone who understands. However, after opening up to her, I have dwelled on the past all day long. I have dwelled on how completely awful it was, on how much I wanted to die, on how much I hated myself, my family, everything. I am nothing. I am hated. I am ugly. I am fat. Nobody likes me. I am unworthy of being loved. Everything would be better for everyone if I was dead. Those were the lies that I listened to everyday. The lies that made me suicidal and anorexic. The lies that so many girls struggle with. But the truth is that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That there is not one imperfection in the way that I was created. I was made exactly the way that I was supposed to be. And I am loved every single day by the God of the universe. I know that none of this battle is over, and that I will continually fight it every single day for the rest of my life. I will have to make the decision every morning to serve God, instead of serving the lies that say I am not good enough.