Today I treated myself to the opera. I have never seen fats at the opera before, so did not have any particular concerns. Was I wrong; something about Mozart's Magic Flute brings them out of hiding (which is where they should always be).

I had a bench seat, these are seats on a bench - without armrests. They are close to the stage and are sold at a reduced price at the last minute. They are far better than the expensive seats. You sit close to the stage on the left or right. So if on the left, you need to turn your head left somewhat to see the stage (this will become relevant later).

So I took my seat, second from the end of the bench. Soon, a former male fat came and sat on the end seat. I tried to shrink myself because the last thing I wanted was for its fat to touch my body. The fat clearly knew what I was thinking, because it said "When you're a little larger than most, it's handy to sit on the end." There was so much I wanted to say, but I shut the fuck up . Then it saw a friend and the friend came over and they chatted about their conditions.

I looked the other way; there was a human lady on my left and to her left, an Obeast. My heart sank and i could tell this poor lady was dismayed too. Picture big blob with wormhead and big hair. Lady next to me tried to shrink herself down.

So fat to my right's friend had gone and it started talking to me and told me it sometimes has to stand at work (shock horror!) and what it finds useful is standing on a rubber mat because "it takes the pressure off my joints".

So the production is about to start. Lights go down and about 5 minutes in to the opera a mobile phone rings. Yes, it belongs to the ignorant obeast with the wormhead. The lady and I look at each other and roll our eyes. We try to concentrate on the opera, only - we can see fuck all because wormhead obeast is leaning forward in its seat. All we can see is this gigantic blob with hair on the top end.

Lady to my left politely asks obeast to sit back in its seat so we can see the opera.

Then, I kid you not, Obeast takes out its fucking mobile phone again and switches it on and starts filming the opera! Lady next to me is incredulous. Filming is strictly forbidden as are photos. How ignorant can you be!?

We have by now been unable to enjoy the first half hour with all the fat distractions. Just when we think the fats have settled down, I smell something sickly sweet wafting through the air and hear rustling of packets. Of course, fat on my right is opening a packet of sweets.

I could have killed both these ignorant fat fucks. During the interval, the fats (obviously) went to forage for sugar. The human lady next to me turned out to be a shitlady and we had a good bitch about the fats while they were off stuffing their faces. The opera was 3 hours long, so there's no way a fat can survive that long without a sugar rush and I expect they had to empty their bowels as well.

The point is: fats ruin everything, even the opera. Thank you for reading my rant.