Every once in a while, in between baby daddy disses and inspirational quotes, I find something interesting on my Facebook timeline. That’s what happened over the weekend, when one of my Facebook friends posted this article titled “My husband is not my soul mate,” written by a blogger who goes by her first name only: Hannah. I literally felt my eyebrows shoot up in intrigue. Did she not love her husband? Did she settle in her marriage? What is she talking about?!

I had to read it. And though, I would consider myself a romantic type, at the end of her piece, I could see her point, even if I didn’t necessarily agree with everything she said. This is how the piece went. Before she got into describing why her husband wasn’t her soul mate, she wanted to make it clear that she does love him.

“I wouldn’t want to imagine life without James. I enjoy being with him more than anyone else in this world. I love him more than I ever thought you could love someone, and I miss him whenever I am not with him.”

So why exactly is this man not her soul mate? Her rationale was actually quite simple. Contrary to what she believed as a stary-eyed teenager, Hannah says God never promised to bring us “the one.”

“…my theologian biblical scholar father shattered my dreams by informing me that God doesn’t have a husband for me, doesn’t have a plan for who I marry. Nope, he said, a husband is not only not a biblical promise, it is also not a specific element of God’s “plan for my life.” God’s plan is for us to be made more holy, more like Christ… not marry a certain person. And then he gave me some of the best relationship advice I ever got: There is no biblical basis to indicate that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry. You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person.”

Whoa. I’m not going to lie, my mind was a little blown trying to grasp this one. It really did go against everything I’d heard growing up. How many times have we heard women say they’re waiting on the man God has for them? How many times have we been told to pray for the type of man we want? Just recently, in her interview with Oprah, soul singer India Arie said if there were one question she could ask God himself, she said it would be “where is my soul mate?” (One of my coworkers was so disgusted that she would waste such an opportunity with a selfish question.) The soul-mate pathology is so real. But Hannah argues that God never promised us that. Instead, she says that God is seeking to make us more holy, not trying to hook us up.

I can agree with that. In the grand scheme of things, I’m sure God’s priority is that we become more like him. But on the other hand, I believe God knows us and knows that some of us– a lot of us really– yearn to share our lives with someone. God knows we need people to support us, in various capacities. So it’s not hard for me to imagine that God puts people in our lives at certain times for certain reasons, including spouses. But ultimately there’s free will. We get to choose who stays and who goes and at what time.

But it’s interesting to think that God doesn’t ordain these things himself. If we think about God being omniscient, doesn’t he know who we’ll ultimately end up with? He knows who we’ll meet and whether or not we’ll choose to be with that person, right? Maybe he didn’t necessarily plan it but I’m sure he’s not surprised by the decisions we ultimately make in our lives. And I’m not convinced that you can’t pray to God and ask for the type of person you want and he won’t reveal that person to you. It happens all the time.

But I do agree with her about the one soulmate thing. I’m one of those people that believes we have several soul mates throughout our lives. A lot of us can learn to love almost anyone. (Remember how your grandparents grew to love each other?) Having one predestined, predetermined soulmate always sounded too fairy tale to me.

Hannah explains that loving someone is an active choice, not some type of mystical force that takes you over.

“My marriage is not based on a set of choices over which I had no control. It is based on a daily choice to love this man, this husband that I chose out of many people that I could have chosen to love (in theory, don’t imagine that many others were lined up and knocking at the door). He is not some illusive soul mate, not some divine fulfullment, not some perfect step on the rigorously laid out but of so secret “Plan for My Life.”

At the end of the piece my mind had been truly stretched. There were so many lingering questions. Does God have our life partner planned for us? Do we all have a single soulmate? How much is up to us and how much of it is God’s plan? Points to ponder. Feel free to weigh in below and if you can read Hannah’s piece in its entirety, here.

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

Andreas Yonatan

Hmm… Well as far as my journey in studying the bible, marriage is not a must for new testament believers. Even Paul said that. But if you’re called to have one, I believe first of all, the idea is that it’s God’s will. And then bcoz it’s His will, it’s not just about us, our happiness. It’s about Him. We do what pleases Him, not just us. For everything comes from Him, by Him, and to Him. That is the meaning of you’re paid in full by Christ. Now we don’t own ourselves actually anymore, but Christ owns us. That’s why we do all things for Him. There are things called ideal, and things which are just good. If we choose what’s just good, it might not be ideal. But ideal, will always be good. Ideal means righteous, exactly like what God wanted. For the original meaning of sin in Hebrew is hamartia, which doesn’t mean “doing harm” like we used to think. In the dictionary, hamartia means miss, which means “misses God’s plans”, including failing to marry the right person from God. Soulmate from God? It’s clear in Proverbs 19:14, “a prudent wife is from the Lord”, not like wealth that we can gain from our fathers. And if you see how Adam got Eve, it’s also clear, God brought her to him. It’s not Adam who was seeking, he didn’t even have a clue that there was an Eve. I’m saying the ideal thing here, which is the best. But if you have gone your own ways, chose someone already by your freewill, well it might not be the best from God. But, He won’t force you to let it go either, He is not a dictator. But every father would love their children to trust them bcoz they know what’s best for them. Especially your Father in heaven. That’s when you trust God for your soulmate. But if you’re married already, with someone whom now you doubt to be from God, it doesn’t matter dear. I believe that marriage is justified by Him, and blessed, as long as we love God, you could see samples in the bible, like David and Batsheba. But if you haven’t, I shall really2 recommend that you trust God for your soulmate. You’ll have the best person for the rest of your life, someone who’s just “you”, a perfect companion to accomplish God’s missions in the both of you. God bless…

Jo

this just confuses me even more. I feel like I met the person God wants me to marry. I have met someone possibly as a friend soulmate. I just don’t know what God is wanting me to do… I just know it involves helping kids in need and some kind of project in the local area. I don’t know how to start or approach my soulmate about this. I don’t know how to go about it, it has to be my idea and approach it in a tactful, educational, professional way. Praying God will lead me into how my soulmate is to come into play.

Nina Bridgers

I disagree with this whole article. God said he gives the desires of the heart if you seek him first. Meaning make him lord of your life. If someone has a desire to find their soul mate then why can’t God bless that person with that desire? The answer is God can. God is God and should NOT be put in a box or bubble. God is not limited. Therefore HE can and has blessed those with a mate. One mate. That’s why the word of God says to both husband’s and wives love each other and do not be with other husband’s and other wives. Common sense and the Holy Spirit tells me that you have to be with the one you choose to marry. Does God really have to use the verbiage soul mate for us to understand that’s what a soul mate is? He doesn’t. He made us smart enough to hear from his spirit and to know different meanings of his word. So I disagree with the article and will continue to believe what I know God is really saying.

BLISS

Does soul mate = sole mate? I blog about topics like this all the time. God has a plan for your life but it depends on your commitment to Him and your obedience in this walk. It’s hard to be a Christian in a world that provides some many reasons to get distracted, tired, and not believe. Ruth lost her husband in the beginning of her testimony, but she decided to serve God and in return got more than she ever thought: a new husband who adored her and a part in the lineage of Christ.

If you are single and don’t desire to be married that’s okay. If you have a desire to be married that’s okay too. Be prepared either way for what will be required of you spiritually, emotionally, mentally, etc. Maybe a soul mate may not be “the one,” but it should be someone who adds to the developing of and benefiting your soul.

Paul Dronette

Here’s the one and only “hole” in the soul mate theory, according to me.

Let’s just say God has this one ‘woman’ out there for me. I’m a fit for her and she is a fit for me and any incompatibility is overshadowed by our divine connection that essentially transcends our very relationship. Awesome. I’m game. Where do I sign!!

But if anybody in their right mind really thinks that even with this so called soul mate they have, thinks there will be no work involved might as well get divorce lawyers on deck.

In any relationship, we must work. Be it someone we have known for years or a few months. Heck, even weeks. The ‘soul mate’, ‘opposites attract’ and ‘birds of a feather’ theories never address the idea of work. Making a day to day attempt get things right. And the truth is, it never stops. There is no cruise control or set it and forget. This thing never ends. And that’s why I think the myth of a soul mate is just that. A myth.

Jada

Nope, and if he did he would’ve shown up by now. But I now know (even at 28) that he won’t (or at least not until its too late for me to have children). I hate saying this, but I’ve accepted that I’m going to remain single for life. If that’s what god wants, then so be it. At least I can say I HAD a boyfriend; I have older friends who’ve never been kissed.

disqus_FswQBFdn4J

I refuse to believe that “is not in my will or God’s will” for me to marry. I believe in Psalms 37:4 Marriage is a desire of my heart and I BELIEVE that it will happen. God knows my desires and my longings. I would never discourage anyone from what they believe by saying”maybe it’s not in God’s will”. This is why I talk to God and not people about my business.

StacyAustralia

Everyone pretty much stated what I would have wanted to say. However I do want to say I enjoy reading posts like this on MadameNoire. Can we get more posts like these instead of the “I Bet you didn’t know they use to date” etc.

Summergirl

I agree with Hanna’s dad. After all, 1 Corinthians 7:37 says, “Nevertheless, he that standeth steadfast in his heart, HAVING NO NECESSITY, but having power over HIS OWN WILL, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well.”

slw

“And I’m not convinced that you can’t pray to God and ask for the type of person you want and he won’t reveal that person to you. It happens all the time.”

I disagree with this statement. Sometimes our prayers aren’t always answered in way we would like. Most women in this country who want to be married and are actively searching for a husband will not get married. A lot of women will spend most of their life times trying to figure out the WHYs when the answer was always right in front of them – marriage is not/will not be apart of their life’s path…and that is okay. We should focus on seeking quality relationships with quality people regardless whether or not the relationship results in marriage.

sabrina

*le sigh* Not every one is purposed to be married. That is true. But I feel like a lot of you are totally undermining God and His power. Your days were planned before you ever lived. He knew your name while you were still in your mother’s womb. God knows you better than you know yourself!! So if you don’t feel like your husband is your soul mate, ask yourself why. Did you consult with God about it? Did you pray over it and get His confirmation and blessings? Did your now-husband pray over it as well? Are you both walking according to the Spirit or your own will? Did you both go about the relationship that is pleasing in His sight (including no sex before marriage)? Is God even at the center of your marriage? If you did or do ALL of these steps, then you would know for sure whether this man was purposed for you or not. If you aren’t fully connected to God and walking according to the Spirit, then you can’t blame Him for your shortcomings because it’s YOU making your own decisions for yourself. I will tell you this though — every couple I know that is indeed walking according to the Spirit and not their own flesh and depended on God to bring them their mate, their marriages are blessed. And they know the importance of having God at the foundation of it all. And they are truly happy with their spouse and wouldn’t have it any other way. If you truly desire a mate, I do believe that God has that perfect person for you out there (he/she just may not be in the box you always expected). But it’s ultimately up to you as to whether you get that person or not. If you truly live for God, you won’t have to doubt anything because everything He brings your way will be blessed.

L-Boogie

Interesting.

Momma Dee Tha Q.U.E.E.N

I think so, otherwise how would couples remain married for +30 years? Its just got to be predetermined.

T.Mac

Couples remain married for 30+ years either because they want to or because they have to. I think you forget that there have been many arranged marriages that have lasted that long as well as many loveless marriages. Back in the day, people married out of necessity and held strong to their vows because marriage was more about business and duty than emotion or religion. But. at the end of the day, it is all about someone’s personal beliefs reasons.

KingCopckup

This really gets down to determinism or free will. If God knew all that shall be at creation then no need for creation exists; your mate is foreordained. If, on the other hand, the act of creation destroyed His foreknowledge, then mate selection becomes a combination of chance, upbringing, and alcohol.

Zuri

What???

bluekissess

Why is the power of God being questioned. I’ve read Scriptures that backup the husband and wife theory. I’ve never believed in the soul mate word or sounds fictional and corny

Guest

Where is the power of God being questioned? A husband/wife theory is much different than saying that there is someone that was created specifically for you to be with. Like Pivyque said, the bible does say that it is better to be single, but basically if you want to marry, here are the guidelines.

bluekissess

Want to be married? I thought God suggested people to be married. Scripture is all based on how you interpret it. Maybe God does think we have soul mates my question is who are we to question that? Agree to disagree

Nya Jacobsen

I believe you can choose a life partner that isn’t your soul mate. And God didn’t agree with everybody’s decision to marry, but he expects you to honor your decision.

just a thought

Very good points.I agree with much of what she said but, like you, I believe that God made plans for us well before we arrived here on Earth. There’s biblical scripture to back it up. I believe, like the term love, soul mate has come to have a different meaning from what I firmly believe God intended it to be. I believe that to believe in soul mate one must have a faithful and passionate relationship with God. Understanding God’s timing and purpose for our life is a very difficult task, but can serve as a very rewarding experience. Soul mate, in my opinion, is not some sort of fairytale, happily-ever-after fantasy that most of us falsely believe. A sister, brother, parent or child can be a soul mate. I don’t think God planned for us to necessarily marry our soul mates (we’d be married to too many people) but I firmly believe that He specifically design people who are meant to understand each other, both in success and failure. Getting married is a choice that we make, not necessarily one that God makes for us. In some cases, however, I do believe that God can connect two people in marriage for a greater cause, maybe to start a ministry, to serve the poor or to bring hope to those in despair.

sabrina

YESSSSSS!!! I wholeheartedly agree with you! When God joins two people together, He has an ultimate purpose for them that’ll give Him all the glory and will benefit His kingdom at the same time. In a true godly union, it’s not only about you and your spouse.

Jo

Yes. I just don’t know what it is God is wanting me to do and what exactly it is…. my soulmate and I both have a passion for children. It’s in my heart to get something started, I just don’t know what IT is.

Zuri

I agree. The one thing I don’t understand about being a woman is why most of us, not all, think that we are supposed to find and entitled to a husband. Not everyone is deserving of a husband or wife. Some of us are supposed to remain single.

Pivyque

I can 100% believe this. It actually says in the bible that it is better to be single, but if we are weak to the desires of our flesh, we should have a spouse.

JRArtistry.com

Well, explain Proverbs 18:22
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from The Lord”

IMO, the bible has its strong points, points that help you to navigate through life; however, much of it is a contradiction.
Like anything in life, you have to weed out the fluff and do what feels right in your heart!!

Laine

This indeeds proves that the bible is full of contradiction. You’re right, you have to do what feels right in your heart !

Pivyque

That doesn’t really change what is said in 1 Corinthians 7:8. Like you said, it is about what feels right. Some feel it is right for them to remain single/unmarried, while others feel it is right for them to be married.

Guest

Also, I don’t have to explain anything in the bible. I didn’t write it. I am just relaying the information that I read, just as you seem to be doing.

Pivyque

Hmmm, so I guess when you delete something, it just goes under “guest”. Noted.