Friday, February 05, 2010

I know it has been a very long time since our last update. Please know that our passion for this topic has not diminished at all. It is only that new priorities are finding their way into our lives and we cannot dedicate the time to these pages that we wish we always wish we could.

Our long absence has given us a larger than usual collection of letters to which we could respond, so hopefully we have chosen from these carefully enough to provide some fresh and relevant insights into the topic of female led relationships.

For this update, I have chosen to provide a spectacular pair of letters, one from a husband and one from his wife. I hope that the quality of these exchanges makes up for the lack of quantity that we have been providing as of late.

Happy Valentines Day,

Emily

We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

Let me first set the context. I love, love, love my wife. I love her more than the day we first met (almost twenty years ago), and my love for her is more important than whether or not she ever wanted to cater to my interest in Around Her Finger.

I have been discussing my interest in a female led relationship with my wife for about two years. I will admit I had not gone so far as to give her your book or show her your web site, but I had been fairly forthcoming about my submission. She had been pretty much disinterested in the concept, but I certainly noticed that her interest in the idea seemed to bubble up every time we got in a disagreement about a major decision. At these times, she wanted to remind me of my discussions. She did not want to do any of the overt demonstrations of her authority that I felt like I needed, but she did seem to want to have her way. I just knew I wanted to submit fully to her if she would just do the very basic things that would cement our roles in the relationship and occasionally remind me of those roles. Stealth submission had just not cut it for me.

Recently, a very significant financial decision came up in our house, and we were very at odds about how we would deal with it. She gave me a much too disguised reminder that I was the one that wanted the female led relationship, and I seized on it as a moment to have another discussion about how badly I want her to be in charge, but I want her to be willing to meet me half way. She had to recognize and address my very real needs in the arrangement as well.

I made notes on what I wanted to say, and I practiced my conversation very carefully. I told her that first and foremost, while I initially disagreed with her on the financial decision, I trusted her judgment, and I would be perfectly willing to not only concede to her the final decision, but that I would enthusiastically support that decision after she made it. However, I wanted her to recognize that my comfort and support for this decision would be much stronger if it were part of a true female led relationship like we had discussed previously. Most importantly, I want her to establish her authority in the relationship and maintain it. I absolutely needed to hear her tell me that she understands that she is in charge and that she expects me to respect our roles. It cannot just be something unspoken between us.

She initially protested, saying it was already this way. I explained to her that it was not. It was absolutely an unspoken understanding, and for me that was the problem. I did do my best to try to honor her wishes in the relationship, but the fact that she had never formally declared it was a source of great frustration for me. If she would declare it, and reinforce it over time, it would be a dream come true for me. She got angry and walked away from me, and I figured it was just another lost opportunity.

That night, I walked into our bedroom after doing some work in my office. She was sitting in her robe watching television, and as I approached her to sit down next to her on the couch, she stopped me. She handed me a tube of moisturizer. She gave me a very firm command to rub her feet. It was not an ask, it was a tell. I know that there are other men out there that understand the world of difference between their wife asking them to do something, versus telling them to do something. I immediately dropped down to my knees and began to rub her feet. She then told me that her decision on the matter in question was hers and hers alone. All decisions were hers ultimately to make if she so chose. She expected my support on the decision.

My heart was beating a hundred miles a minute. There is no way anyone that is not submissive could understand this, but this was a dream for me. I told her she could absolutely expect my support. She then pushed open her robe and revealed her naked body to me. I immediately put my head between her legs and went down on her for thirty minutes, bringing her to orgasm several times before she stopped me and had me go fix her a cup of herbal tea. We then sat together on the couch, her head on my lap, and watched television without saying another word on the topic until she announced she was going to go to bed. As we both got under the covers, she told me that she had meant what she had said earlier. She said, "I'm in charge, and I'm going to act like it, and you are going to respect it." I hugged her and spent a restless night basking in what had just happened.

[Additional paragraphs deleted at couple’s request]Unsigned

Note from Emily: We received that letter three months ago. The following letter from his wife arrived last week.Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I just learned that my husband sent you a letter providing details from our marriage. I was not entirely happy with him doing this, but I understand his motivation, and I have come to agree that there is some value in sharing our story with others. However, if you decide to publish his letter (and mine) can you please delete the final paragraphs of his email where he discusses [omitted], in order to respect my privacy concerns?

I ultimately agreed with my husband that it made sense to share our story with others on this site because 1) I was dead set against this idea at the beginning, and 2) I now think it is the best thing that has ever happened to both of us.

I was raised in a traditional home with conservative values. I just did not want to think of my husband as “submissive”. Now that I have started down this road, I absolutely still do not think of him as submissive. I think of him as the same strong, confident, alpha male I married. Just because I am higher than him on the pecking order, that does not mean that he is lowly and submissive by any stretch of the imagination. I am just one step higher, and I am ultimately in charge. It is like the major or colonel in the military is not any less of a man just because the general can tell him what to do. It is the same with me and him. It is just a matter of respecting authority.

We just click together better now as a couple. There is less tension, fewer arguments, and more fun, romance and intimacy in our relationship. I have grown in my willingness to let him give of himself sexually. He wants to put my own physical pleasure above and even at the expense of my own, and I have become more willing to let him express himself this way. I have finally come to understand that no orgasm can ever bring him the same level of satisfaction on a physical level that my denying that orgasm brings him on an emotional and spiritual level. He just overflows with tender affection for me when our intimacy results in my own climax and not his.

Unsigned

Emily responds to both letters...

Just when I think there is nothing new under the sun as far as articulating a method which makes it easy for a woman to accept a female led relationship, I am given another. Your military analogy is certainly new to me, and it is certainly one of if not the single best metaphors I have ever seen.

Men who crave loving female authority tend to be comortable with the word "submissive" to describe themselves, but women tend not to be comfortable with the term to describe their husbands. Your analogy formally establishes the female led hierarchy without infringing on your perception of your husband as the strong man with whom you fell in love.

Bravo!

Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below: