Monday, April 8, 2013

If A Tree Falls In The Forest, Who Pays The Bill?

(Farewell, Iron Lady.)

This morning, I had an everything bagel with scallion cream cheese and lox for breakfast.

"And?"

"And" nothing. That's the whole story. The point of it is that life is good. The weather is spring-ish. The sound of landscaping equipment is wafting in through the open windows. (Ever hear a feral cat scream as it gets caught in a lawnmower? The sound is blood-curdling.) My seasonal excuses are flaring up. (Thanks to my hay fever I'm getting a therapeutic use exemption for EPO.) I also rode my bike yesterday, steering it intentionally onto the bumpier parts of the road in honor of Paris-Roubaix, the race won by Fabian "Spocktopus" Cancellara:

Unfortunately, I forgot to set my DVR, but I did record the rebroadcast that came on late last night, which means I'll never, ever watch it because I already know everything that happens and now it will just sit there unwatched until I delete it to make more space for kiddie movies.

And that's how I follow bike racing.

Anyway, making pictograms is more fun than watching bike racing:

(minus)

(plus)

Equals "Perry Ruby" which sounds kind of like Paris-Roubaix.

You may applaud now:

Speaking of spring, here is a scenario familiar to all New Yorkers:

You're walking or riding on a lovely spring day, buzzed on pheromones and choking on post-nasal drip due to your seasonal allergies. Suddenly you notice cables duct-taped to the pavement, and then some weasely little NYU graduate with a Leatherman on his belt stops you and says, "Uh, could you wait, we're shooting here." That's right, it's yet another film shoot. Maybe they're making a crappy Hollywood blockbuster. Maybe they're shooting another episode of an insipid TV drama. Or maybe it's just a commercial for some piece of shit car. Whatever the case, a bunch of overpaid schmucks are making you late for your job while they do theirs, which is pumping the popular culture's bloated lips full of more collagen "entertainment"--unless you're like me, in which case you reply "Oh, shut up," and keep going, despite the fact you don't even have a job to which to be late.

It's highly irritating, but I suppose it's the price of living in the only real city in America.

What I did encounter though was an overturned car, because they were filming some kind of movie in the park:

Presumably the scene involved a car plummeting off a highway into a ravine, because they had installed a guardrail in the parking area:

They also bulldozed a path right through the trail, presumably for all their equipment:

It's hard to tell, but the trail is supposed to go like this:

It's a fun little section too--or at least it was before they fucked it up. I mean, it's circa 2013 for chrissake! Can't they do all this shit with computers? They're like bicycles for the mind!

(Oh shut up.)

I guess what I'm saying is that absolutely nothing is more important than my leisure activities, and that it's only acceptable to inconvenience people when I'm the subject of the film.

I wonder if the film production company will send the woods a bill for scratching their crane, sort of like how the NYPD runs down cyclists and then sends them bills for scratching their cars:

The city added a thousand-dollar insult to an already painful injury when it demanded that a Brooklyn cyclist pay for damage to the police car that struck and sent him flying.“I think it’s preposterous,” said Justin Johnsen, 31, who received the $1,263.01 bill from the city last month for the Nov. 5 accident on Flushing Avenue that left him with deep cuts that required stitches.“I was upset. I was in kind of disbelief that they were going to send this letter after four months or so and ask me to pay damages for their vehicle, when they hit me when I was on a bicycle,” added Johnsen, who was not ticketed for the crash.

The only thing even remotely surprising about any of this is that the police did not also ticket the cyclist for the crash.

I received my new Bike Snob book from Amazon Friday. I haven't had a chance to read it yet as I was in a very important meeting in Des Moines. You may live in the best city in the world, but the prettiest girls in the world live in Des Moines according to Jack Kerouac.Anyway, back to the new book, I noticed that on the back of The Enlightened Cyclist, there is praise from the NYT, Lance Armstrong, Bill Strickland and People magazine.The new book is praised by the NYT only.I'm worried because I get all my book recommendations from Lance and People magazine.

i wonder if in the not too distant future if google will be partnering with the Ministry of Health and Human Prison Services to monitor blog comments sections to suss out the mentally deranged and make arrests of anyone making silly non-threatening threats like the one above.

To be sure: Dear Google-Obama Ministry of Heath and Human Prison Services - the above statements were made in jest. I only want to make love to Snooberdoodle - hump in the woods no less. I do not wish to make violence toward his/(her? do we know for certain?) person.

I was in Washington Park, enjoying a beautiful September day after the gigantic NYC fred ride. Out of the blue, this weasily fuck told me to step back or he'd need a get a release from, as he just started filming his epic zombie movie (just what the world needs, another fucking zombie movie!) I took one look at this furry faced little twat and told him that if he didn't shut up, he was going to need a release from the hands around his neck.

and yes the woman of NYC are top notch, but that means you'd have to actually want to live in NYC. which means your either insane or jewish. (chamois au jews - i'll support you. not sure why you are catching so much crap for innocuous statements).

What's worse Snob, man-sex viewing in the park, or bulldozing-through-a-trail-to-make-a-film viewing in the park? The first hopefully leaves no trace (unless they discard their condoms on the ground-if they use condoms) and the second leaves a big scar through the woods.

What if you sight two guys sweatily humping ON a bulldozer while destroying nature for the purpose of making a film...while wearing hard hats, clown noses, and leotards with disco music blaring from a boom-box zip-tied to the roll cage?

Trails invaded and rearranged for a TV pilot! Saturday the lower parking lot was all CSC and Panavision trucks. Luckly, they stayed in that area. just like the old saying, "never allow a film crew in your house, it will never be the same.". it is good to see you riding there instead of Atlantic Highlands.

Yes, goodbye lovely Annette. Not only did she have to suffer the indignity of MS, the SF Chronicle headline for her today is "Disney's Annette Funicello Dies". I didn't realize they actually own people, but I guess I'm not surprised.

In yesterday's coversge of Paris-Robaix did you notice Phil Ligget refering to that "Armstrong debacle"? Sort of like that Watergate debacle back in the 70s, or maybe like that Hitler debacle back in the 1940's.

If the cast was standing around talking, then walking for a little bit, and then talking some more, and some more, and some more... Then what you saw was an episode of Game of Thrones in production. With the Bronx standing in for Fair Verona, you can't tell the two apart, or one of the other seven kingdoms. 59 nine minutes of talking and another 60 seconds encompassing a guy getting a knife under a finger nail, a crow getting an arrow shot at it (missed, no crows were harmed in making this production) and the dwarf getting some head (implied; no actual head shot included on screen, perhaps because of his height).

Ruby the Heartstealer did half of Milan in six months. So what is the big deal? My wife Messalina beat the head of the Guild of Prostitutes in contest to see who could take on more lovers one after the other.

Technically our balls DID touch but we were involved in Both Holes Double Meat Penetration with Lady Babble so we were OK with it. The weird part was when it was all over and we were burning one and she plopped down between us on the couch and grabbed one in each hand and said "So are these just one trick ponies or can they handle Round #2?"

...thing is, anon 3:28pm, babble never NEEDS me to defend her honor...let's get that straight...

...chick is a highly intelligent & capable woman with all the tools necessary to deal with any 'intellectual capacity' she's ever likely to encounter on this blog site...

...what you don't seem to realize is that the reprobates who direct comments "at" babble aren't trying insult her so much as hoping that they can irk her into responding, thus fulfilling their need to be dominated by a strong woman in seven inch heels...

More shit goes down in the name of honour... fer crissakes... exactly what kind of defending do you think I need, and against what?! I've done nothing wrong. Well 'cept maybe a bit of indecent exposure here and there, but honestly... how ridiculous. Besides, decency is overrated.

And if I need defending against someone's negative opinion of me, well, that's just laughable. As if it mattered...

Writing "honour" is also a way of remarking that honour is a bit old-fashioned. But that only works on US of A'ers, who have only encountered that kind of spelling whilst reading old-ass stuff like Shakespeare. In a country where things are still spelled that way today, that wouldn't work.

I would defend my own honor, but I took the bus today. Yes, it was pouring this morning, and yes, the forecast said it would be like that all day, but to punish me it stopped raining shortly after I got to work, the sun came out and it's lovely. Closest storm I can see on the weather map is in Missouri. Gah.

For all of you who would like to see photos of people humping in parks and photos of people looking at them, the great artist Kohei Yoshiyuki did some photos of them circa 1970s. You can see some of them on the Yossi Milo Gallery website. http://www.yossimilo.com/artists/kohe_yosh/?show=0&img_num=0#title

(I'm too lazy to html it... Copy/paste is the prize to pay for you, perverts.)

I Sir Bangs Alot will come to the rescue of the fair maiden BABBLE, maiden, not so much, but I take artistic license in the name of shivery (I know it's not spelled the way you think it should be, but the usage is correct, thinking of Babble brings on shivery from a cold shower). If she has a passport I will mount her on my trusty steed and whisk her away from ass monkey's attack (or reasonable facsimile-ties there of)

@ babbble & commentariat, I can't help it that I'm attracted to women, and not to men. O.K? If I could get a raging boner from rolling with the guys, I would. Fact is,even the unfortunate looking gals get me going, but no dice from even the "hottest" bloke. Just sayin'.

DB,At least you got some liquor out of it. All I got was a smelly umbrella. Luckily (?) the bus I took home was pretty rank, so nobody noticed.

bgw,They certainly do! Bike shoes safe, but last year the little beasts found a pair of LL Bean gumboots that apparently needed some "special" conditioning. My wife likes to say they make you take care of your stuff, but my experience is they get to your stuff before you think it needs taking care of.

Snobby, That wasn't cats getting caught in a lawnmower.It was eitherA) A female cat having a "romantic" interlude.ORB) A house frau getting surprised by her hubby doing something that the AG in Virginia wants to make illegal....

...i like both cats n' dogs but if you do something that's upsetting to your dog, he'll just kinda look at you like "...hey, did i do something wrong here ???"...hence the term 'hang dog look'...

...do something to upset your cat & that sucker will pay you back by pissing on something you like or just attacking you as you walk by & then look at you like "...so what, pal...you deserved that...be sure my dinners ready on time, ya ???"...

...disclaimer:...all references to behavioral patterns in this expose excludes a certain brooklyn based canine...i did not have his written permission to include him here...

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!