Saturday, 13 September 2014

If I had a penis... I would want it to be detachble

I got a message the other day from my sister because I was feeling pretty depressed and she wanted to cheer me up, in this message there were lots of funny photos that were meant to make me giggle. For those of you that dont knows me I am a miserable cunt so it didn't work overly well but the below photo had the desired effect. See the photo is funny because when Lizards are scared or threatened they can make their tail fall off so they can escape their predators, and old mate lizard has convinced Mr Rat that its a good idea to go to Chow Town. Poor Mr Rat. After I finished laughing at the photo I got thinking about the possibility of being able to regrow other things. Other things like penises.... I don't have one, I did a quick check just to be sure and I most certainly have an inny, but if I did, how awesome would it be to be able to detach it and have it grow back. Just think of all the amazing things that you could do!!!! Look, I can hear all you boys gasping at the prospect of being without your dingle but bare with me... welcome to the world of the detachable, regrowable penis.

If I had a detachable penis, I would bang crazy bitches without fear - I have heard that crazy bitches have teeth in their vagina's, sometimes you don't realise that they are crazy until it is to late. If you are mid coitus and it dawns on you that you may be in a bit over your head, you just detach and run like the wind. What she does with it after you have gone may not be pleasant to think about, but that's her business (I would like to think that she was like a praying mantis... if you get my drift)

If I had a detachable penis, I would get a job at McDonalds - You would think with the skills of detachable appendaging I could have any job that I want and you would be correct but lets think about this. Detach it, jam it into an ice cream cone, top it up with soft serve and you are about to feed someone a "Happy Meal". You could put it a burger and call it the McLoving, it would most certainly put new meaning to "special sauce" I was at Melbourne Central today and couldn't help but laugh at every soft serve that I saw. You're welcome for that image, you can thank me later.

If I had a detachable penis, I would put it in a bag - Neck a bag of dicks is probably one of my favourite sayings and just think how amazing it would be to be able to give a bag with your dicks in it to someone that you hate. Think of the satisfaction you would feel when you get to see the distraught look on their face when they open the bag. I live for shit like that.

If I had a detachable penis, I would throw it at people - possibly a police officer if I so desired. There is a very well known Police Officer in Victoria that hates import owners, if I saw him I would yell a loud war cry of "EAT A DICK" before launching my package squarely at his head and into his eye. It would be community service if anything, I would be taking one for the team and bringing the power back. You could also throw them at sluts if you wanted because sluts love dicks.

If I had a detachable penis, I would keep a spare in the freezer - run out of ice cubes? no worries, frozen dong. Had to much to drink and cant get it up? no worries, frozen dong. Want a bit of DP action and are scared of crossing swords? No worries, frozen dong.

If I had a detachable penis, I would give it to my girlfriend - She could keep it with her in case she missed me when I wasn't around. If she was a bit of the jealous type I could give it to her before a big night out and bingo, she has nothing to worry about because without a doodle I have to sit down to pee and that makes it difficult to cheat even if I wanted to. She can sleep soundly, I can party hard. Its a win win for everyone.

If I had a detachable penis, I would teach sex ed - I don't actually remember ever putting condoms on Bananas at school but in all the penises I have seen I have never seen one that is as slender as a banana so if I could give the kids something realistic to work on I am sure that they would be able to condom better going forward. Maybe that's why sometimes I don't condom well... I wasn't taught correctly in my youth.

If I had a detachable penis, I wouldn't need to get STD tests - feeling the burn because you haven't condomed well? No worries, rip that shit off at the first sign of that tingling sensation and start again. A detachable penis is kind of like Zovirax for genitals.

If I had a detachable penis, I would be the ultimate party troller - Shaving off someones eyebrows is so 2005, pass out with your shoes on and I will stick my detachable penis to your head with super glue. Because dickhead (literally) you cant hold your booze and you should probably be ashamed of yourself. Let my flaccid penis hanging from your forehead serve as a reminder.

As you can see, the opportunities are endless in the world of the detachable penis. I haven't worked out all the finer details out as yet, like how long it would take to grow back or the noise that it would make when it came off but my idea has merit. I tried to sell it to the masses last weekend and no one was as convinced as I was. No one except for my mate Yoshi, I would like to send a giant shout out to him for being a visionary and helping me with this post. Together we shall take over the world and you lot with your securely anchored appendages will wish that you jumped on board this train in its infancy.