Thursday, May 12, 2011

To me, any place is the worst place to be hungover, but Maxim.com considers these more painful than others.

MOVING DAY FOR A FRIEND

Hey, remember that lazy friend of yours who can't get rid of anything? The one who narrowly missed an opportunity to be on Hoarders? Yeah, he's moving this morning. And you promised him months ago that you'd help. And he's barely packed anything. And he has lots of heavy oak furniture, and no dolly. Also, you just puked in his armoire.CHUCK E. CHEESE

After a Friday night out with the boys, you awaken on Saturday to your girlfriend shaking you violently, hissing, "We're going to be late for my nephew's birthday party! And you promised you'd come if I let you go out last night!" Before you can even say "dumped," you're at a pizza place popularized by a large rodent, with screaming, wall-eyed children running circles around you. At least puking on the floor is an everyday occurrence at this joint.

NURSING HOME

Yeah yeah, we realize your grandma may not last another week and you'll be wracked with guilt if you cancel your weekend visit, but you're feeling half past dead yourself. Is it really a good idea to spend a day in a confined space with old folks who are already 9/10 of the way there?

AMUSEMENT PARK

Post-drinking downside to amusements parks: Much like Chuck E. Cheese, you're looking at another "screaming children" scenario. Upside: You're also looking at another "go ahead and puke anywhere" scenario. And trust us, with the sweltering heat, swarms of insects at every garbage can, and tubby guys in tank tops and bike shorts, there'll be plenty of those scenarios. That's not even taking into account feeling man enough to get on a ride. Don't feel that way. Just embrace your inner pussy.

A PERFORMANCE OF "STOMP"

There are many ways to spend two hours the day after a misguided night of debauchery. Sleeping, doing absolutely nothing, and talking to dinosaurs on the big white telephone spring to mind. Or you could spend 120 minutes listening to people bang trash can lids together. (And cursing whichever asshole relative gave you the $200 tickets as a birthday gift.)

My new bank, Ally Bank, configures a security question and answer for customer service calls. In addition to your SSN, date of birth, and mother's maiden name they also ask you the question you specify and wait for the answer you've provided. This is good, because many standard questions are guessable in a way that user-defined questions may not be.

A real live human operator always asks the question and waits for a real live answer. This measure has the potential to not just improve my account security but add entertainment value as well:

Q: Do you know why I think you're so sexy?A: Probably because you're totally in love with me.

Q: Need any weed? Grass? Kind bud? Shrooms?A: No thanks hippie, I'd just like to do some banking.

Q: The Penis shoots Seeds, and makes new Life to poison the Earth with a plague of men.A: Go forth, and kill. Zardoz has spoken.

Q: What the hell is your fucking problem, sir?A: This is completely inappropriate and I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

Q: I've been embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars from my employer, and I don't care who knows it.A: It's a good thing they're recording this call, because I'm going to have to report you.

Q: Are you really who you say you are?A: No, I am a Russian identity thief.

Q: For the remainder of this conversation, "How can I help you today?" actually means "Would you like to buy some mescaline?" Do you understand?A: I understand completely.