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Friday, December 30, 2011

Looking back, moving forward...

Overall 2011 has not been a great year. I'm not even sure it was a good year. Many highlights of the year, for me, were either breaks from reality (which also had their moments of ugh) or they didn't even happen with/for me (like different sports highlights).

2011 started off with my move back to the peninsula and starting a new job. The house I was renting was on the river -a dream location!- but was so expensive and frustrating that I spent most of my time loving my independence all the while hating my situation and stressing constantly about finances.

Then, the job wasn't working out. I had little time to myself -I know, that's part of being an adult- I was exhausted, and it was more trouble and less rewarding than anything I'd done previously. Coming home every night feeling like I was a failure and that I was dirt just by how I was treated didn't help. Hey, thanks, I know, I don't fit in. Keep rubbing it in.

Family drama hit a new high and it's continuing to get worse. I'm not living at home and there's NO WHERE to go. I can't hide from it as the walls are paper thin, or worse someone always seems to put me in the middle. Two weeks ago I lost it while trying to explain how I was feeling and that just made matters worse. This is why I don't talk to people and end up venting online. Everytime I say something it backfires.

There's still the finances issue, I have my photography business up and running, but it's not working to my benefit (which hey add that to my failures) so I am looking at trying for a part time job this coming year. Again. In a dead end town.

I've also never been more alone. All of my friends' lives have moved on when I've really just found myself in a rut. I feel now, more than ever, like I've gone back in time about 10 years. I'm still that girl in high school that couldn't speak up for herself, who had dreams she knew would never come true, and felt she couldn't trust anyone...

And 2012 doesn't look to improve my position. I have a trip in late summer planned to visit my family in california and go to disney. I have the Iditarod in March, and a Birthday at Beauty and the Beast in January. I hope to see my business improve, but other than that... I'm stuck...

and honestly this was not where I was going to go with this post. But I can't help but feel these things.

Hopefully after the first of the year my blog will look cheery again... or, at the very least, back to normal.