Sibling Rivalry

What you can do to ensure family harmony, now and for generations to come.

My husband does not get along with his older brother; they have huge problems, and money and ambition have brought them apart. My in-laws also never showed them how to avoid confrontation and respect each other.

I have three boys, ages 14, 10 and 4 and I worry a lot about their relationship with each other. I'm afraid about making the same mistakes as my in-laws. Whenever the boys fight over something I remind them that I don't want them to become like their father and uncle. I pray that they respect and love each other forever. Please give me any advice on how I can achieve this. Thanks. C.W.

Dear C.W., Your fervent desire to create an intact, loving family is admirable and an effort well placed. The family unit has been integral and essential to society as a whole and most certainly to the Jewish people. At the very beginning, even before our formal consecration as a people, we were instructed as a family to slaughter the deified Paschal lamb before leaving Egypt. This courageous act required the nation, family by family, to observe what would henceforth be known as the Passover Seder.

To this day, no matter how estranged a Jew may be, this annual celebration still resonates, in great measure, because it is a family-centered holiday.

The concept of 'family' correctly conjures up images of caring, concern, brotherhood, acceptance, support -- people who are there for us in the best and the worst of times. The sad reality is that the existential state of man is a very lonely one. This is especially true in our narcissistic and self-centered society where everyone is out for themselves. The fear of finding oneself alone, abandoned, and rejected is greater than ever before. The extended family of the past served as a refuge, a protective oasis against this existential terror.

Today, all that remains of this glorious institution is the immediate nuclear family, a mere vestige of what once was. We must be very cautious not to burn our bridges, but rather to preserve what remains of the family.

Our family recently suffered a tragedy. Our son-in-law was critically injured in a bus accident in Israel. Family mobilized instantly. Vigils around the clock were immediately organized. Offers of help came from everywhere. Unquestionably, only the Almighty can make things right and send our son-in-law a recovery. But we were able to survive and deal with the trauma because immediate family and all of our wonderful friends, who are our extended family, were there with us and for us, offering material, emotional, and spiritual support. Indeed our hearts are still broken, but thankfully we do not feel alone or forsaken.

Your worries are legitimate. The past can impact the future unless something interferes to break the pattern. Your impassioned expressions of concern to your children and your exhortations that they behave differently than the previous generation, while not useless, are of limited value and are only a very small piece of what needs to be done.

Robert Frost wryly remarked that the reason why worry kills more people than work is because more people worry than work. Changing a pattern requires a lot of hard work. Problems of sibling rivalry and hatred between brothers do not suddenly appear out of nowhere in adulthood. It does not happen in a vacuum. Parents like yourself, who are wise enough to want to avoid issues down the road, need to take action in the formative years of the children's lives when they are developing their sense of self.

For starters, each child must be appreciated for their own uniqueness, their individual assets. This, of course, is easier said than done because, invariably, the particular disposition of a given child may not as readily click with our own as that of another sibling who is more easily likeable or more compatible with our expectations of them.

To favor one child over the other or to invoke comparisons between children, i.e. why can't you be as smart, kind, tidy, good etc., as your brother, is an almost sure guarantee of trouble, if not immediately then certainly down the road.

The ideal would be that every child should emerge from their home of origin convinced that they were their parents' favorite.

Children must each be seen as diamonds in the rough. Some need a bit more polishing than others, but the objective is to uncover the particular facets of their individual, inherent brilliance. The ideal would be that every child should emerge from their home of origin convinced that they were their parents' favorite. A prominent psychologist noted that in an interview, when his teenage sons were asked what impacted them most in their childhood, they recalled their bedtime routine. When they were in pajamas, ready for sleep, their dad would come into the room to wish them good night. He would tickle them and remark lovingly, "How is it that of all the adorable and cute children in the world, I got the cutest and the most adorable?"

That special comment still warmed them so many years later. If a positive posture of secure standing and self-esteem can be fostered and achieved in this primary setting, children are unlikely to feel competitive and threatened by the good fortune of their siblings.

JOSEPH AS A PARADIGM

Consider the Biblical example of Joseph and his brothers. The patriarch Jacob had favored Joseph with a 'coat of many colors.' While there are many layers of deeper meanings not accessible in the literal interpretation, nonetheless, this did not bode well for the family dynamics and culminated in the brothers feeling sufficiently threatened that they sold their favored brother into slavery. The narrative relates how Joseph, after a painful odyssey, rose to power and became viceroy in Egypt. A famine in the land of Israel (Canaan at the time) brought the brothers to Egypt to seek food. Unbeknownst to them, the person holding the key to their survival was none other than the brother whom they had sold into bondage, who now recognized them, but whom they did not recognize. Joseph put his brothers to the test. He orchestrated events so that it appeared that their youngest brother, Benjamin, (his only sibling from the same mother), had stolen a silver cup and would have to be detained and incarcerated in Egypt. The brothers made it clear to the viceroy (Joseph) that under no circumstances would they abandon or leave their brother Benjamin behind, even if they had to wage war and forfeit their lives.

It was at this moment that Joseph realized they had come full circle. Apparently, their deep remorse for the grievous mistake they had made 22 years earlier informed their present uncompromising stand. Repentance had taken place and Joseph knew the time had come to reveal his identity to them. Our Sages comment that as a result of his own suffering, Joseph's sensitivity to sibling issues was so strong that it configured his own parenting mode. The test of his success came when he brought his two sons, Menashe, the eldest, and Ephraim, the younger, to be blessed by his dying father, the patriarch Jacob. Jacob prophetically intuited that Ephraim, the younger, would be the greater of the two boys, and hence when he placed his hands on their heads to bless them, he crossed them, so that his primary right hand would be positioned on the younger lad's head. Joseph objected, thinking his father had inadvertently made a mistake, but Jacob insisted that he knew exactly what he was doing.

Our Sages note that Menashe, the older son, could have perceived this as a terrible slight, a blow to his ego, but to his credit, it turned out to be a total non-issue. The two brothers were happy for each other. Joseph had raised two intact sons who were secure in their relationship, both with themselves and with each other. Joseph had successfully reversed the pattern of the previous generation.

MONETARY VALUES

The second issue implicit in your question is one of values. You write that "money and ambition have brought them apart." Unfortunately, this is a very familiar refrain. Consider the many 'good' families that are convulsed and torn apart by issues of inheritance. The matriarch of a nationally prominent family confessed recently "money had destroyed her family."

Indisputably, money and material resources are important. Clearly, families have to be supported; food, clothing, shelter, leisure enjoyment, etc. have to be provided. But money must not become the be all and end all of human existence. It dare not become the shrine at which we bring our best offerings. It must not consume the best of our time, energy and thoughts.

"Things that count can't always be counted. And things that are counted, don't always count."

There is a very delicate balance in life between the pursuits of material resources and that of values. We must be careful not to cross this very precarious line. When life is tested to the ultimate, the bottom line is that it is the significant relationships in our life that matter, not money.

When money becomes the priority in one's life, then wealth becomes the identity of the person and, consequently, a diminution in material resources comprises a lesser sense of self. Thus, sharing or parting with money becomes virtually impossible for this individual. Indeed it is tantamount to an amputation, an excision of a piece of his self, his very identity. He will stop at nothing to guard and protect his territory, even at the cost of the sibling relationship. If we don't want money issues to tear our family apart, then money cannot be the supreme value in our homes. The values of caring, feeling, giving, kindness, charity, relationships, learning and growing need to be nurtured and celebrated.

In summary, our lines of defense must include the following:

1. Affirming and validating the personhood of each child with love and affection.

2. Filling the family's life with values and worthwhile pursuits. For example: quality time together, classes on ethics and personal growth, charitable activities like visiting at hospitals, homes for the elderly, hospices, volunteering, modeling the value of family cohesion by allowing the children to observe the homage and respect accorded to family members including and especially your own siblings.

3. Be mindful of family dynamics. If there is a healthy energy between parents, children's affection and fidelity will not be polarized; they will not have to take opposing and conflicting sides. Speak respectfully to each other. Disagree respectfully, appreciating that differing ideas are okay and should be heard, that everyone is entitled to their opinion.

4. Read books on constructive problem solving. You might also feel better if you occasionally touch base with a professional to make sure you are covering all your bases.

5. Pay attention to the words you use in talking about others, especially family members. Observe carefully to see if you find the good and positive in people. Do you give them the benefit of the doubt? Or do you jump to negative conclusions? It is crucial to create an atmosphere of approval and trust in order to avoid or counteract the cynicism and suspicion that is at the root of sibling rivalry. Towards this end, some families have incorporated a dinnertime routine where each family member shares something nice about the others at the table. Mom and Dad can begin the activity to break the ice. This can be an effective medium to train the minds of the family to think positive and engage in the kinds of behaviors that will be worthy of noting.

6. Notice and applaud the nice things that others and especially that your children do for each other. My son, Reb Ephraim, recently related that he had taken his seven-year-old son, Yidele, to the school library where each family was permitted to reserve two books. On the way out he asked his son which two books he had reserved. His son replied that he had reserved only one. When questioned as to why not the two allotted to each family, Yidele replied that perhaps his sister would want one in the future, so he did not want to use up the quota. Not a big deal perhaps, but for me it was reminiscent of Yidele's father, my son, who, when as a young child would never accept a gift of candy for himself if one was not forthcoming for his sister who was 13 months younger. (I have to admit this was not necessarily ubiquitous behavior among all my children.)

These are the attributes to talk about, celebrate and make a big deal over, thereby demonstrating to our children that these behaviors are greater accomplishments in our eyes than good marks or scholastic achievements. We will thereby establish them firmly as cherished and essential values in our home.

Here, a note of comforting qualification is in order. Quibbling and occasional spats among siblings, such as the older besting and pulling rank over the younger, and the younger crying wolf over the injustice of it all, while not pleasant or desirable, is for the most part within the range of normal. It comes with the territory of raising children. My family came to American after the war. We were five siblings at the time. We were temporarily housed in a hotel for refugees in Manhattan. We were objects of interest -- we were Yiddish-speaking tots, delighted with life, and everyone thought that we were absolutely the cutest. On one occasion, my older eight-year-old brother (I am second in line), had just finished giving me a punch in the back (of course, for no reason at all, I was such an angel). An unsuspecting, admiring stranger approached us just at that moment and commented, "You're such darling, well-behaved children. I bet you never fight." My brother looked up and with angelic innocence replied, "Oh, no. We never fight. The Torah prohibits it." As soon as the fellow turned his back, he hit me with another punch, the second installment. Nonetheless, even at that moment, had a stranger or an outsider threatened to hurt me, my brother would have punched his lights out. Gratefully, in our adult life, all my siblings, with my oldest brother at the helm, are very devoted and protective of each other.

7. Finally, pray for Heavenly assistance and wisdom and may the Almighty grant you success.

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About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 4

(4)
Do Lewrn Hwei,
March 24, 2004 12:00 AM

I am reading this entry one day after the assassination of Yassin, the Hamas leader. I wonder what this action will bring. I hope it will be the best for all in Israel.
I sort of disagree with the opposition by members of the EU on this action. Yassin could still instigate aggression, though crippled and elderly. We all can
still contribute to some extent regardless of our conditions.

(3)
Dr Mark Chong,
March 24, 2004 12:00 AM

Good Article on Conflict Management 101

Something perhaps to add on to a very good and frank article that I will surely pass on. While the writer does emphasis the importance of cultivating a forgiving attitude. The importance of the simple sorry can never be underestimated.

Without a simple "sorry: how can the process of reconciliation even begin? Can it be said, if there is one reason for continued conflict, it is because either party does not see the need saying "sorry' first, yet ironically they are both willing to forgive, and.

This naturally begs the question of the two, repentance - in the form of the simple "sorry" or forgiveness, which of these is the more gracious of the two?

(2)
raye,
March 23, 2004 12:00 AM

This article tells it all

It is sad that one can only realize in later years that one's parents did not know how to practice togetherness and that so much potential went to waste. However, it is never too late to learn to forgive and to accept others as they are and to love them just for being there.

(1)
Adam Leite,
March 22, 2004 12:00 AM

Sibbling Rivalry

I also have two brothers under me who have notspoke to each other for 4 years now. One ofthem, the older, seems to think that life ends with him, truth is always with him and the world turns around him. Very hard situation. I totally simpathize with the writer.

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I’m wondering what happened to the House of David. After the end of the Kingdom of Judah was there any memory what happened to King David’s descendants? Is there any family today which can trace its lineage to David – and whom the Messiah might descend from?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Thank you for your good question. There is no question that King David’s descendants are alive today. God promised David through Nathan the Prophet that the monarchy would never depart from his family (II Samuel 7:16). The prophets likewise foretell the ultimate coming of the Messiah, descendant of David, the “branch which will extend from the trunk of Jesse,” who will restore the Davidic dynasty and Israel’s sovereignty (Isaiah 11:1, see also Jeremiah 33:15, Ezekiel 37:25).

King David’s initial dynasty came to an end with the destruction of the First Temple and the Babylonian Exile. In an earlier expulsion King Jehoiachin was exiled by Nebuchadnezzar, together with his family and several thousand of the Torah scholars and higher classes (II Kings 24:14-16). Eleven years later the Temple was destroyed. The final king of Judah, Jehoiachin’s uncle Zedekiah, was too exiled to Babylonia. He was blinded and his children were executed (II Kings 25:7).

However, Jehoiachin and his descendants did survive in exile. Babylonian cuneiform records actually attest to Jehoiachin and his family receiving food rations from the government. I Chronicles 3:17:24 likewise lists several generations of his descendants (either 9 or 15 generations, depending on the precise interpretation of the verses), which would have extended well into the Second Temple era. (One was the notable Zerubbabel, grandson of Jehoiachin, who was one of the leaders of the return to Zion and the construction the Second Temple.)

In Babylonia, the leader of the Jewish community was known as the Reish Galuta (Aramaic for “head of the exile,” called the Exilarch in English). This was a hereditary position recognized by the Babylonian government. Its bearer was generally quite wealthy and powerful, well-connected to the government and wielding much authority over Babylonian Jewry.

According to Jewish tradition, the Exilarch was a direct descendant of Jehoiachin. The Talmud (Sanhedrin 5a) understands Genesis 49:10 – Jacob’s blessing to Judah that “the staff would not be removed from Judah” – as a reference to the Exilarchs in Babylonia, “who would chastise Israel with the staff,” i.e., who exercised temporal authority over the Jewish community. It stands to reason that these descendants of Judah were descendants of David’s house, who would have naturally been the leaders of the Babylonian community, in fulfillment of God’s promise to David that authority would always rest in his descendants.

There is also a chronological work, Seder Olam Zutta (an anonymous text from the early Middle Ages), which lists 39 generations of Exilarchs beginning with Jehoiachin. One of the commentators to Chronicles, the Vilna Gaon, states that the first one was Elionai of I Chronicles 3:23.

The position of Exilarch lasted for many centuries. The Reish Galuta is mentioned quite often in the Talmud. As can be expected, some were quite learned themselves, some deferred to the rabbis for religious matters, while some, especially in the later years, fought them and their authority tooth and nail.

Exilarchs existed well into the Middle Ages, throughout the period of the early medieval scholars known as the Gaonim. The last ones known to history was Hezekiah, who was killed in 1040 by the Babylonian authorities, although he was believed to have had sons who escaped to Iberia. There are likewise later historical references to descendants of the Exilarchs, especially in northern Spain (Catelonia) and southern France (Provence).

Beyond that, there is no concrete evidence as to the whereabouts of King David’s descendants. Supposedly, the great French medieval sage Rashi (R. Shlomo Yitzchaki) traced his lineage to King David, although on a maternal line. (In addition, Rashi himself had only daughters.) The same is said of Rabbi Yehuda Loewe of Prague (the Maharal). Since Ashkenazi Jews are so interrelated, this is a tradition, however dubious today, shared by many Ashkenazi Jews.

In any event, we do not need be concerned today how the Messiah son of David will be identified. He will be a prophet, second only to Moses. God Himself will select him and appoint him to his task. And he himself, with his Divine inspiration, will resolve all other matters of Jewish lineage (Maimonides Hilchot Melachim 12:3).

Yahrtzeit of Kalonymus Z. Wissotzky, a famous Russian Jewish philanthropist who died in 1904. Wissotzky once owned the tea concession for the Czar's entire military operation. Since the Czar's soldiers numbered in the millions and tea drinking was a daily Russian custom, this concession made Wissotzky very rich. One day, Wissotzky was approached by the World Zionist Organization to begin a tea business in Israel. He laughed at this preposterous idea: the market was small, the Turkish bureaucracy was strict, and tea leaves from India were too costly to import. Jewish leaders persisted, and Wissotzky started a small tea company in Israel. After his death, the tea company passed to his heirs. Then in 1917, the communists swept to power in Russia, seizing all of the Wissotzky company's assets. The only business left in their possession was the small tea company in Israel. The family fled Russia, built the Israeli business, and today Wissotzky is a leading brand of tea in Israel, with exports to countries worldwide -- including Russia.

Building by youth may be destructive, while when elders dismantle, it is constructive (Nedarim 40a).

It seems paradoxical, but it is true. We make the most important decisions of our lives when we are young and inexperienced, and our maximum wisdom comes at an age when our lives are essentially behind us, and no decisions of great moment remain to be made.

While the solution to this mystery eludes us, the facts are evident, and we would be wise to adapt to them. When we are young and inexperienced, we can ask our elders for their opinion and then benefit from their wisdom. When their advice does not coincide with what we think is best, we would do ourselves a great service if we deferred to their counsel.

It may not be popular to champion this concept. Although we have emerged from the era of the `60s, when accepting the opinion of anyone over thirty was anathema, the attitude of dismissing older people as antiquated and obsolete has-beens who lack the omniscience of computerized intelligence still lingers on.

Those who refuse to learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them. We would do well to swallow our youthful pride and benefit from the teachings of the school of experience.

Today I shall...

seek advice from my elders and give more serious consideration to deferring to their advice when it conflicts with my desires.

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Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...