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Sam Venable: It was a finger-lickin’ good operation

I promise not to crank out regular installments about my wife’s recent foot surgery. But this is too rich to pass up.

As I wrote last week, Mary Ann was born with an extra bone in her left foot. Weird as it may seem, this condition occurs in approximately 3 percent of humanity, according to her orthopedist.

Technically, it’s known as “accessory navicular syndrome.” It can only be detected by X-rays.

Nontechnically, it means this extra bone, having been pulled out of whack over a lifetime of use, begins to protest oh-so-painfully.

My dearest is linebacker tough, yet I saw her reduced to tears several times this past year when the throbbing soared off the charts. Clearly, something had to be done.

That something was surgery. Doc Sawbones cut below her ankle, excised the offending bone and reattached all the goo in the right places.

Best I can tell from X-rays, it wasn’t a large bone. More like a sliver. But as anyone with a splinter in the fingertip can attest, it hurts like hell.

Doc also installed a small metal plate in the bottom of her foot, lengthened her Achilles tendon and bound everything in rigid supports from the knee down to her pinkies. Just typing those words scares me almost to the point of peeing my pants and hiding under the bed.

Bottom line: Mary Ann will be off her feet at least six weeks, with physical therapy to follow. Thanks to a knee-scooter, she gets around fairly well (emphasis on fairly) while Nurse Sammy cooks, cleans, washes and attends to her every need. Pray for us both.

I tried describing the procedure when well-wishers dropped by. Even showed ’em medical diagrams, along with Mary Ann’s X-rays.

Still, the concept is lost on laymen, including yours truly. So I took matters into hand. Or pan, I should say.

The idea came as I gnawed the drumstick of a chicken one of our friends had dropped off. I stared at the bare bone for a moment, thinking “hmmm.”

Shortly thereafter, that bone was swimming in boiling water. I let ’er percolate until every shred of tissue sloughed off. Then I dried it and modified each end with a pocketknife to reduce the joint bumps. Even attached a short length of rubber band and left it dangling. You know, to mimic a tendon Doc missed.

Then, with a straight face, I’ve shown this “surgical specimen” to everyone stopping by. Typical reactions have varied from “Aaak! That’s what they took out of her foot?” to the more common “Holy %&#-ing $#&!”

I shudder to think what Mary Ann will do with it after she recovers. Not to mention where it might get deposited with great force.

At least I can outrun her. For the moment.

Sam Venable’s column appears in the Features section Sunday and Tuesday. Contact him at sam.venable@outlook.com.