Seriously, try a basic composition class at a community college. Hell, that's what I did (and I just transferred the credit when I went to a major university). These types of classes are pretty much the same whether it's Harvard University or Spittle County Community College. English is English.

Going through your review, I just see some of the basic conflict of tenses and voices, and obviously you use slang and profanity. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but if you take a college class you'll be genuinely surprised that some of the shit you think isn't slang actually is! (and I also think that was a train wreck of a sentence on my part, but we'll let that go). Not to say you shouldn't use profanity if you're writing something less formal, but it's better to know the rules and then decide to break them at certain times for emphasis.