Only fun forwards for fun ...

Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know...

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caIler ID. This was a real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. I'm with the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you'd be interested in our caller ID program?" "No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

Keep reading this, it gets better!........

A few days later I was driving into the local supermarket. An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if I didn't even exist. I thought to myself, this guy's another asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world. Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the phone number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Sure..." "Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.

Then, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with this solution:

Then I called asshole #2. Don Hansen answered, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole." He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole." And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got there. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street... After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Well, Now you know what to do if you have a really bad day !!!

================ [ March 30, 2006: Message edited by: R K Singh ]

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

**************************************************** Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to his boss.

His boss apparently resigned very soon afterwards !

Dear Mr Baker, As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and her employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you're a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts. 1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration. 3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers B-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authorising of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time! > >Sincerely > >Darryl Brewer.

> Life isn't fair to men. > > Thought 1: > When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. > When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. > When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be > liberated from? > > > > Thought 2: > The average man's life consists of - twenty years of having his mother > ask him where he is going; > Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; > And at the end, the mourners wondering too. > > > > Thought 3: > A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: u > take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." > The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. > The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to > cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If > you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." > The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around > the corner, barely missing him. > "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian > angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the > hell were you when I got married?"

> > > > >>Once there was a cooking competition, in which the > > contestants were > > >>an > > >>>American, an Italian and a Sardar. > > >>>The Judges are taking their rounds and visit the > > American Kitchen > > >>>they see > > >>>the American making Burgers and Fries, they are good > > but the > > >>>Judges are > > >>>not very impressed. Then they go to the Italian > > kitchen where they > > >>>smell > > >>>Pizza's and Pasta and are quite impressed. > > >>>When they come to the Sardar's kitchen he is seen > > stirring > > >>>something in a > > >>>large frying pan on a very large stove with a lot of > > smoke coming > > >>>from the > > >>>pan. As the judges are unable to see what he is > > cooking they go > > >>>closer to > > >>>take a look and they find the pan completely empty. > > They ask the > > >>>Sardar > > >>>"Tusi Ki bana rahe ho?" (What are you doing ??) > > >>>Sardar says "This is our national dish, Main CHUTIYA > > bana raha (I am fooling everyone) > > >>>hoon." > > >> > >

� TEACHER: Why are you late? Johnny Martin: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? Johnny Martin: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: Johnny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor? JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? JOHNNY: "HIJKLMNO"!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? JOHNNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: Johnny, go to the map and find North America. JOHNNY: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: Johnny! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: Johnny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. JOHNNY: Me! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: Johnny, why do you always get so dirty? JOHNNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* JOHNNY: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? JOHNNY: Your name on this report card. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? JOHNNY: Don't bite any. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I". JOHNNY: I is... TEACHER: No, Johnny. Always say, "I am." JOHNNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of "COIINCIDENCE?" Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime." *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand." *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Johnny: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? Father: No. Why do you ask that? Johnny: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then? *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! Johnny : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Johnny: Brotherly love. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Teacher: Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Teacher: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Johnny : A teacher.

> Subject: FW: Who r u??? > > > > Who r u??? > > Are you a pro*titute or a programmer ? > 1. You work very odd hours. > 2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy. > 3. You are paid well, but your pimp gets most of the money. > 4. You spend a majority of your time in an air-conditioned room. > 5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right > price. > 6. You are not proud of what you do. > 7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded. > 8. It's difficult to have a family. > 9. You have no job satisfaction. > 11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living. > 12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it. > 13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions > you attend.) > 14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left > hanging with other "professionals." > 15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate. > 16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they > get for the money. > 20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return > looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM) > 21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal. > 22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks > away smiling. > 23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher > than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you. > 24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly > wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp. > 25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing > this stuff the rest of my life."

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

> A sign at a business establishment in Medina, OH: > > "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 PAKISTANI TERRORISTS THAN WITH A > SINGLE INDIAN" > > This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Bhopal. > You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory > statement. > > One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be > marching on this business... And that the CRPF might have to be called to > keep the angry crowds back. > > But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the > proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds > Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it > is just a sign. > > You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign? > > Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?) > > >

> Subject: Bambaiya.....Our language ...the way Bombay speaks > > This is cool.... > > THE QUICK REFERENCE > > U can take a bambaiyya out of bombay but u can never take out bombay out > of a bambaiyya!! > > Bambaiyya bhasha Refresher course The best compilation. A must for > newcomers. > > 1.Bus kya : The meaning of it is that com'on don't take me for granted. > > 2.Apun : It's actual meaning is WE but in B'hindi it means I or me...usage > like : apun ko kya samjha tu ne, apne haath ka ek padega.. > > 3.Chava / Chavi : Actual meaning of a chava is a lion's cub.However, in > B'hindi it would mean a Boyfriend/GirlFriend(normally the one that's > steady). Chava, is also used to describe to a good looking chap or the > normal stud in the locality. No, Chavi would still > mean the steady one. > > 4.Chikna : Stands for any good looking fellow.Chikna actually means > smooth.Chikni is the female version of the same word. > > 5.Saala : literal meaning wife's brother....but in Mumbai it is used in > every context...when friends meet and greet then it is kya saala kaisa > hai.....when angry "abey saale....phoot na"... in fact this is the most > common used word in mumbai.... and can be > used when you are happy/ sad/depressed / angry / shy / vulgar / teasing/ > and when there is nothing else to say then use a saala.... > > 6.Dhapnya / Battery / double battery : Refers to a person wearing > prescription glasses. Dhapnya is a marathi word.The Ghati way of saying > this would be "byatree". > > 7.Chaayla : The original meaning is quiet demeaning. The contemporary > meaning is so flexible that "Cheryl" can be used anywhere in a casual > conversation. gramatically speaking this word doesnt have any meaning. > > 8.Haila : This originated from "Hai Allah " but I don't think 99% of the > users know about this. Haila would translate to "Oh God" > > 9.Keeda /SulemaniKeeda / RehmaniKeeda : An absolute pest. > > 10.Jhakaas : Superb. Excellent. > > 11.Mandvali / Mandavli : Compromise /Negotiation usage : bhai apun ko > Mandvali karne ka hai. > > 12.Gangaram : For a barber. Gangaram is a guy's name. > I guess some > Gangaram must have played an immortal role in some > play or movie > for his name to stick on. > > 13.Chagan / Dhating / Hajaam / dakkan Hajaam : in its true sense would mean > a barber. It refers to anyone with a moronic intellect or an Idiot.I > think the meaning of the word "Chagan" better be left unsaid. > > 14.Atrangi : One meaning of this word is similar to Hajaam.Atrangi also mean > something extraordinary. > > 15.Punter / Tapori : Roadside loafer. Taporiis among the most commonly used > words in B'hindi. > > 16.Shana :literal meaning in marathi means wise..but mostly used in > sarcastic way like "tu kya shana hai kya ??" > > 17.Dhid shana : The word dhid means 1 and half times the original one. > that means 1 and half times shana. > > 18.ChappanTikkli :actual meaning 56 spots : this is not used nowadays. But > in B'hindi it means one with lots of pimples/ > marks on his/her face. > > 19.Dum : Actual meaning is cigarette with marijuana for kick. but nowdays > commonly used to refer ordinary cigarette.. > > 20.Chota : when you ask a paanwala in mumbai he will give you a small > Goldflake cigarette. > > 21.Charsi / Fookya / Soootya : A smoker. Charas is exactly marijuana.Charasi > would mean any guy who smokes though. > > 22.Raanti / Saand : A boisterous or an exceeding brash guy. > > 23.Bevda / Gutter / Taankee / Batli / JohnnyWalker: A Drunk.Johnny Walker > comes from either the actor by the name or the > whiskey brand. > > 24.Rappak ( stress on "pp" ): means Slap. ( eg. Kaan kay neechay rappak > lagaoonga. ) > > 25.Tapri : A road side shop. > > 26.Chotaya : For any kid working in a Tapri. If the shop has more than one > kid ... all would have to be Chotays. > > 27.Ramu : see "chotay" above > > 28.Mava / (120 300) EkSauBeesTeenSau : This is a type of paan that you get > here. 120 and 300 are the flavors of tabacco. > Mava is everything that paan has without the betelleaf. Terms also refer > to the person who consumes it.If you want a combination, say ek 420 dena > If you are...? > > 29.Manikchand: Manikchand is a famous brand of chewing tobacco.This term > also stands for a person who consumes it. > > 30.dhakta : actual meaning is younger. in this case it is small manikchand > packet. > > 31.Dhoop Chaav : Sun and Shade. Refers to the shops owned by the road > side barbers who just have a rag for the Chaav > and is obviously holeridden to let the Dhoop come in. > > 32.Chinese Gaadi : No this is not a Chinese make of an automobile Its the > "Tapri" selling chinese food on the side of the > road. You find one after every 10 meters. The best part is that all these > Chinese Gaadis are red in color, have names like "Red Sun", "Red Dragon", > "Fong's", or anything that sounds vaguely Chinese.The cook is normally a > Nepali gurkha working as a night > watchman in some nearby apartment complex. The only criteria to get a > chef's job at a Chinese Gaadi is to have slanted eyes. > > 33.Mahim Matunga / Vasai Virar : This is a term used for squints. MM and VV > are neighbouring localities in Bombay. The > origin of this term is unknown. > > 34.Ghungroo Salmaan :This term is very new but catching on fast.Ghungroo > refers to a curly haired guy. Salmaan (Khan)comes in > the picture since the "Ghunroo Salmaan" fellow is obviously mistaking > himself to be a Hindi film hero. It's used as a putdown. > > 35.Cutting : A little_more_than_half cup of Tea is a cutting.The Cutting > concept would have been started by people who used > to split a cup of tea between 2 people... and finally the tea vendor > started selling half cup of tea and called it "cutting". A > little_more_than_half is given to increase the patrons. > > 36.AndhaDhuni / AadvaPatta : These are a cricketing terms. AadvaPatta comes > from Pune, means "Cross batted shot". > AndhaDhuni means"Blind shot". But nowadays these refer to any guy who > doesn't bat well. > > 37.Mama / Maushi : Mama and Maushi translate to the maternal uncle and aunt. > These words are thoroughly misused to get > some work done. Normally used while speaking Marathi. Every other Marathi > speaking streetvendor would be a Mama or a Maushi. > > 38.Dada / Tai : Translate to elder brother or sister.Usage see Mama/Maushi. > > 39.Uncle / Aunty: Usage similar to Mama/Maushi... just that this is used > for the more sophisticated public.Normally with the Marathi ignorant. > > 40.Ghaati Ghaatis : are the residents of the hilly/rural regions of > Maharashtra.In B'hindi,a Ghati would mean any person whose mother tongue > is Marathi. It's quiet demeaning..... and thus heard more frequently. > > 41.Gujju / Dandabai: Gujratis. The money men of Mumbai. These guys are > easily spotted on the road either in colorful shirts,embroidered trousers, > against the mirror of a parked vehicle combing their hair, or something > equally funny. These guys are the second largest community in Bombay after > the Marathispeaking people. Ganda acutally means mad.No need to explain > why. every mumbaikar knows it... > > 42.Madrasi Madras : is a place in the southern part of India.Madrasi refers > to any guy from a place to the south of Maharashtra.Doesn'tmatter where he > is from. If he is from Bangalore he is a Madrasi.If he is from Goa he is > still a Madrasi. Doesn't matter. And the best part of being a Madrasi is > that you are supposed to eat idli sambar for breakfast, lunch, AND > dinner. And rasamchaval is supposed to be the favourite dish. > > 43.Gulti:This is a fairly new term. Used for people from Andhra Pradesh. I > don't have a clue about its origin or actual meaning. > > 44.Bhaiya/Pandit: Any guy from UP/ Bihar/ MP/ Delhi/ Northern states is > called a Bhaiya. Pandit is also used interchangeably but is mostly used > for the guys at the Lassi/Doodh shops or for Panwallas. > > 45.Paapay / Papajee: A Sikh. I assume that this term derives from the word > "pappaji" and I am sure its not insulting or anything. > > 46.Pavwalla / Sausage: The Christians. I guess this started because of the > fact that they eat bread instead of chapatis.Sausage is a fairly new. > > Do add to the list if anything you feel is left out.......

43.Gulti:This is a fairly new term. Used for people from Andhra Pradesh. I don't have a clue about its origin or actual meaning When pronouncing Gulti is the reverse of Telugu. Because people from Andhra talk in telugu and are supposedly perceived by others sarcasticcally do things in reverse than others. :roll:

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- They did it by killing all those who opposed them

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York after a hockey game. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American got on and took the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arabs in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer." "No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?"

> Subject: One Liners !! > > Should women have children after 35 > No, 35 children are more than enough! > ---------------- > No one has ever complained of a parachute not > opening.. > ---------------- > Living on Earth may be expensive, but it > includes an annual free trip around the Sun.. > ---------------- > Your future depends on your dreams > So go to sleep ! > ---------------- > ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY > So what ? Who's in a hurry ? > ----------------- > Work fascinates me > I can look at it for hours ! > ----------------- > Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in > front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING > ----------------- > A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge > began, you've been brought here for drinking.. > Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get > started? > ---------------- > Can you do anything that other people can't? > Sure, I can read my handwriting.. > ----------------- > Divorce has become so common that my wife and I > are staying married just to be different.. > ----------------- > When a wife was asked: What book do you like thebest? > She answers: My husband's cheque book.. > ---------------- > Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else? > Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list > again yesterday. > ---------------- > Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? > Customer: What other colors do you have? > ----------------- > > My father is so old that when he was in school, > history was called current affairs. > ---------------- > Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a > donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be > Showing? > Student: Brotherly love. > ----------------- > Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say > prayers before eating? > Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. > ------------------ > Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't > need much help. > Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just > the right person in this case. You see, I won't > be of much help anyway!! > -------------------- > Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday? > Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car > around it. > -------------------- > Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is > exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? > Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog! > -------------------- > Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the > manager! > Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either. > -------------------- > Diner: You'll drive me to my grave! > Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do You. > --------------------- > Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me. > Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me! > -------------------- > Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden! > Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within > three days, you can keep it. > ------------------- > Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible > to teach you anything! > Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Based on a True Story from one of the software firms in Silicon Valley: contributed by Rupali Patel --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Notice at a Software firm in Silicon Valley - from Human Resources Director To all Hindi-speaking staff It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy,is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and colleagues. Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules: Words like "CHUTIYA,GANDU" and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say "CHUTIYE AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO" when someone makes a mistake, or "MAA CHUDI BEHENCHOD" when a major mistake has been made. All forms derived from the verb "CHOD"are inappropriate in our environment. No project manager, section head or administrator, under any circumstances, will be referred to as"GADHA", or "CHUTIYA". Lack of determination will not be referred to "KAAMCHOR SALA",and neither will persons who lack initiative be referred to as "AALSI BHOSADIKAA", or "MADARCHOD". Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to "FUCK ALL". Do not say "GAND FADU" if a person is persistent, or if a task is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use "GAND FATI NA", if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must not say "BHOSADE MEIN GAYA" when matters become complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say "FUCK OFF". Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with "BOL TERI KAISE GAND MARUU"? When things get tough, an acceptable expression such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than "MAA CHUDI PADI HAI" or "GOTI MUH MEIN HAI" No salary increase shall be ever referred to as "KHAIRAAT BAATI HAI". Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners "BADHIR LAVDA". Last, but not least, after reading this memo please do not say "YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI". Just keep it clean and dispose off it properly. We hope you will keep these directions in mind. Sincerely, Human Resources Director

Anonymous

Ranch Hand

Posts: 18944

posted 14 years ago

Banta`s wife, Preeto, goes to England to attend a two-week, company training session. Banta drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. Preeto answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" Banta laughs and says, "An English girl !!! Preeto kept quiet and left. Two weeks later Banta picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" "What I asked for, the English girl?!" Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!! ************************************************* Santa and Banta head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Santa says to Banta, `Let`s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot Rs 500 on the lowest score for the day.` Banta agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Banta is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Santa. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Banta pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I`ve found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Santa looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we`ve been friends, you`d cheat me on golf for a measly five hundred?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!", Santa says with amazement. `I`ll have you know I`ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!`" ************************************************* Three dead bodies of Indian politicians turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The medical examiner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body. "He was a BJP leader, 65 years of age, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the medical examiner. The Detective Inspector is taken to the second dead man. "He was a minister from ruling Congress party, was 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Nothing unusual here", thinks the Inspector, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the medical examiner. "This is the most unusual one. MP from Bihar, 60, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?` inquires the Inspector. To which the medical officer replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken." *************************************************

Anonymous

Ranch Hand

Posts: 18944

posted 14 years ago

GARY, Indiana - Last Monday FBI agents busted a $1,000-a-day cocaine ring being run out of City Hall, allegedly by the city`s chief computer programer and its payroll clerk. Programer Arthur Harris, 46, and clerk Karen Laverne Shivers, 41, were arrested at their apartment Monday. Agents seized 5 ounces of cocaine, 6 ounces of crack and $6,000. Federal agents said they taped three telephone conversations in which Harris, speaking on a City Hall phone, arranged to sell crack. _________________________________________________ A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer. Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it. She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock `n` roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!" ...The radio cut over to George Bush`s press conference. _________________________________________________ George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that`s them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We`re planning World War III". And the guy says, "Really? What`s going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde. The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde!! Why kill a blonde?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

I think its best place is here, in *Fun* forwards: =================== FROM: HENSHAW ADIO REPUBLIC OF CONGO EMAIL:henshaw01@rediffmail.com SEEKING YOUR IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE. Please Permit me to make your acquaintance in so informal a manner. This is necessitated by my urgent need to reach a dependable and trust wordy foreign partner. This request may seem strange and unsolicited but I will crave your indulgence and pray that you view it seriously. My name is MR Henshaw Adio of the Democratic Republic of Congo and One of the close aides to the former President of the Democratic Republic of Congo LAURENT KABILA of blessed memory, may his soul rest in peace. Due to the military campaign of LAURENT KABILA to force out the rebels in my country, I and some of my colleagues were instructed by Late President Kabila to go abroad to purchase arms and ammunition worth of Twenty Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only (US$20,500,000.00) to fight the rebel group. But when President Kabila was killed in a bloody shoot-out by one of his aide a day before we were schedule to travel out of Congo, We immediately decided to divert the fund into a private security company here in Congo for safe keeping. The security of the said amount is presently being threatened here following the arrest and seizure of properties of Col. Rasheidi Karesava (One of the aides to Laurent Kabila) a tribesman, and some other Military Personnel from our same tribe, by the new President of the Democratic Republic of Congo, the son of late President Laurent Kabila, Joseph Kabila. In view of this, we need a reliable and trustworthy foreign partner who can assist us to move this money out of my country as the beneficiary. WE have sufficient ''CONTACTS'' to move the fund under Diplomatic Cover to a security company in the europe in your name. This is to ensure that the Diplomatic Baggage is marked ''CONFIDENTIAL'' and it will not pass through normal custom/airport screening and clearance. Our inability to move this money out of Congo all This while lies on our lack of trust on our supposed good friends (western countries) who suddenly became hostile to those of us who worked with the late President Kabila, immediately after his son took office. Though we have neither seen nor met each other, the information We gathered from an associate who has worked in your country has encouraged and convinced us that with your sincere assistance, this transaction will be properly handled with modesty and honesty to a huge success within two weeks. The said money is a state fund and therefore requires a total confidentiality. Thus, if you are willing to assist us move this fund out of Congo, you can contact me through my email address above with your telephone, fax number and personal information to enable us discuss the modalities and what will be your share (percentage) for assisting us. I must use this opportunity and medium to implore You to exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this Matter extraordinarily confidential, Whatever your Decision, while I await your prompt response. Thank you and GodBless. Best Regards HENSHAW ADIO

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered. The wife said, "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

sunitha reghu

Ranch Hand

Posts: 937

posted 14 years ago

very very funny.....

sunitha reghu

Ranch Hand

Posts: 937

posted 14 years ago

The little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."

Subject: Women are Complex Creatures If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman If you don't, you are not a man If you praise her, she thinks you are lying If you don't, you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp If you don't, you are not understanding If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you don't, she thinks you do not love her If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her If you don't, she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time" If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls" If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk In short: So simple, yet so complex So weak, yet so powerful So confusing, yet so desirable So damning, yet so wonderful... ..WOMEN!

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Anonymous

Ranch Hand

Posts: 18944

posted 14 years ago

Ravish Kumar should be renamed as Joke Kumar or Garbage Kumar or Confused Kumar

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Anonymous

Ranch Hand

Posts: 18944

posted 14 years ago

1) a man asked his friend man - do u talk to ur wife wen u hv sex friend- depends if i find the phone. remember me. *************************************** 2) a teacher asked a girl : "which part of the body grows 10 times its original size when one gets excited?" Girl says "Sir, you should be ashamed to ask questions like this to your class" The teacher asks the same question to another student and he replies,"sir, its the pupil of the eye". The teacher turns to the girl and says" I want to tell you 3 things 1) you lack knowledge 2) You have a dirty mind 3) your expectations are too high ************************************************' 3) A French guy is asking an American, "What proof do you have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" The American replies, "We kept the receipts." ************************************************

Lalloo Jokes When Lalloo completed 25 years of his rule over Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp with his picture on it. He asked Rabri,stressingthat it should be world class. The stamps were released, and Lalloo was pleased. But within a couple of days, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter. Rabri checked out at several post offices, and then reported to Lalloo Prasad: She said:"The stamp is really world class. The problem is, our Biharis are spitting on the wrong side." ================= Once Laloo was coming out of an airport. As there was huge rush thesecurity guard told Laloo "Wait, please." Lalloo said, "65 kilo," and moved on... ========= Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and LasVegas..So he called up the tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Begas." The man at the other end replied, "One second sir..." Lalloo immediately replied,"Thank you" and put the phone down. ======= Lalloo's family planning policy... "DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR." ============ At a bar in New York, the man to Lalloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU,SIR?" Lalloo replies: "LALLOO YADAV, MARRIED." =========== After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Lalloo decides to go modeling. Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and restin' his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION!!! "Lalloo, third from left!" ================= Lalloo Prasad was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business development in Bihar. The Japs were quite impressed with Bihar and their leader said,"Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Lalloo was very surprised."You Japanese are very inepicient. Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"

=========================

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime, Lalloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Laloo brags. "FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG." the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL," Lalloo replies. "READ THE BOX, IT SAYS 5-7 YEARS."

=======================

Bill Clinton decided to teach Lalloo English, so he invited him over to the US. Lalloo arrives in full grandeur. Bill announces to the nation that they should not be disturbed during the tuition. Inside the White house, they are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Lalloo English.Days pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out. The whole country and the economy have come to a standstill, and press reporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the outcome.

At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Lalloo beaming his plendent white smile, looking cool and unruffled. However,Bill looks totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is completely ruffled, and he has scratch marks all over his face. The shocked reporters ask Bill, "What happened Mr.President?" Bill replies, "Ee babua hamar kuchh bhi naahi sunta hai!" [Translation : This folk does not listen to me at all]

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Project Leader is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a child in One month. Software Engineer is a Person who thinks a single woman cannot deliver a child in nine months. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine children in one month. The client knows that it takes a man & a woman to deliver a child in nine months.

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

One day Ron complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There is a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10." Ron figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks...... That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he mastur**** into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungalshampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh

Old one, but still good for a laugh. And still very true. What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now!" The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."