My Vegetarian Pledge to Non-Vegetarians

It has become clear to me that some folks get a little freaked out by human vegetarians. I guess they’re basically OK with mares eating oats and does eating oats and little lambs eating ivy, but when I ask for no beef on a taco salad it sends them into a downward spiral of fear of the unknown, and they start desperately grasping for the reasons why.

So, in the interest of being a smartassed bitch getting along better with my fellow man, I make the following promises to those who get a little weirded out by my presence on the planet:

1. I will not change my name to Go Veg and make myself look like a complete fool.

2. If I see you wearing fur, I won’t throw paint on you. However, if you see me wearing hemp, please feel free to throw pot at me.

3. I will not tell you how I only eat organic food and how great I feel because of my healthy lifestyle. (I eat just as much junk food as anyone does. Probably more.)

4. I will never offer you yogurt of any kind. Healthy or not, I think it tastes like raw eggs and sour milk. But, if you like it and you eat it in my presence, I will do my best not to visibly cringe or gag.

Your role as the non-vegetarian dining with me, the freak, may be easier than you think:

1. You don’t have to apologize for eating meat in my presence. Unless I fart, I won’t be apologizing to you for eating my bean burrito.

2. You don’t have to mention my being a vegetarian to everyone you introduce me to. In fact, please don’t. Are you always so informative? I don’t recall your being so detailed in your other introductions, and I like to think I would remember if you’d said, “Hey, Debbie, I’d like you to meet Eric. He’s an omnivore! Isn’t that just wild?!”

Comments 11

hey, debbie! i just came across your blog today and i just love it! (…you are NOT a commie!) i agree with your politics, and your general take on life. nice to “meet” you, and keep up the great work!
laura

I had a vegetarian friend whose mom would “accidentally” slip some sausage into her little personally prepared quiche. I don’t know why so many people have a hard time with people who want to not eat meat. It’s your business, I say… it’s not like I want you to try to force me to eat Oysters (which I am adamantly opposed to… ick!) So why should I try to force you to eat chicken? I say, Go Veggies! More people should eat more veggies anyway. And twinkies.

Hey, I dig it. I mean, anymore, I’d just as soon eat a Garden burger than a hamburger. And I always eat veggie sausage–I don’t like wondering what parts are in there. And that’s why you can never go home again.