zone out

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Emma van Dijkum

Thursday, February 02, 2006

celebrate good times, oh yeah!

ok so here's the deal: 2 years ago today (ok, yesterday, although i haven't slept yet so i'm still billing wednesday for my time...) i embarked on a physical and mental journey. i abandoned the things i loved (and thought i loved) and traveled many miles. i moved my posessions as well as my phychic state. the two of us up and left what we had known for nearly 6 years and started anew. portland had worn out it's welcome, and i was ready for something new. chicago called to me like a siren, and i took it upon myself to get the fuck outta dodge. so i packed up a uhaul, crammed it with a whole shitton of stuff that i felt was necessary. it was the first of february, and i had been watching the weather sweep across the country. i knew it was the best time to go. there were a lot of tears, as i did leave some amazing friends behind. i waved farewell to my home for so long, i drugged my cat, i put the pedal to the metal. the first night found me in boise, sneaking the monkey cat into a hotel, her yowling over the TV, my worrying that we'd be caught and kicked out, begging her to please please be quiet. the night passed, we climbed back into the cab of the truck and booked it to salt lake city. i spent the day with sam and sterling, watching the cat be humbled by an african grey parrot, glad that she could stretch her little legs in a whole house. we drank watered-down mormon beer, ate pizza, caught eachother up on the past year or so. i left them the next morning, navigating my way out of that bizarre city, onwards and upwards, clamoring for wyoming. once there we reached impressive altitudes, the highway winding up into the mountains, a stark brown and white horizon covered in wind machines and rocks as far as these tired eyes could see. that third day took me all the way across wyoming, stopping for the night at nebraska's midsection. a country song on the radio made me weep - it was about life and love and children and joy, and i came over a hill and the lights of a city appeared in front of my eyes and i was so sad and happy all at once it was too much to bear.day four was all about nebraska, oh my lord what a barren place, at least in the winter. flat flat flat and white white white. rest stops whipped like marangue by the wind, silent fields sleeping away in the cold. i was catching up with the weather, the highway conditions worsened just a bit. i was pulled over, warned to watch my speed on the treacherous road. i was determined to make it to the eastern border or iowa, and all the cards were stacked against me. i drove right up the ass of that storm, and suddenly there were overturned cars, SUVs, semis lining the road. i coddled the wheel, i felt the wind and ice team up to try to flip my truck, full of my live and myself and my cat. i crawled along at 35mph, big rigs blowing me away -going at least 75. my knuckles were white, my foot sweaty, my ears ringing. if i was going to die, what better way. in transit. i finally made it to davenport, pulling into the hotel parking lot was a little bit like being born again. i squeezed my monkey cat and kissed the snowy ground. i called my parents and my friends and told everyone that i was alive all was well. i watched cable and threw snowballs at the side of the truck. i smoked in the nonsmoking room because i was so happy to have a goddamn pulse. morning came, i dosed the cat one more time, and i gathered my snacks and my suitcase, prepared for the last leg of my trip. just a few hours passed and i was in traffic, i could see the hancock and the sears tower and i was suddenly familiar with my surroundings. i pulled up at my apartment, called a friend to help unload, got my keys from the landlord, and voila: chicago. HOME.

so all that rigamarole and just to say that that was exactly 2 years ago and i've had a wonderful time, thanks to amazing friends and an amazing city. here's to 2 more, and maybe even 2 more after that. we'll see. i bought a bottle of jack to keep me company this weekend, and i'll be out and about until sunday night at least. sunday would be the day i arrived, so it just might be the day i go all out. day one was fucking killer, and i see nothing but clear sailing ahead.

join me, won't you?

p.s. litmus test: this weekend's theme song is 'let 'em in' by wings. if you can't hang with that song then you can't hang with me, 'cause i can't stop singing it.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

well shit

so not only do i rarely post here, i kinda only do it when crappy stuff envelops me. it's cathartic, and also just like that friend with the car that maybe you don't hang out with all the time but you always call them when you need that car, and you know that they know. you're using them. maybe you love them and value their friendship but they become 'friend x with a car'.

at any rate, whoa. so much shit. it's cold again, nippy biting harsh angry cold. your body reacts to it with shakes and starts, keeping all your parts moving. the wind brings the cold to your skin, through every layer, it's determined to remind you that you are still alive. i appreciate the cold because it is often so easy to warm up, and warming up after a deep chill is so incredibly satisfying. alive times ten. not just alive, but radiant. by the time you've removed all your layers you're sweating. it's lovely.

the cycle of nature embodies itself in every aspect of my life, and here again there is a frost over my softer side. (this kind of stuff always happens to me in november.) my thoughts about people and their inherent shitty (there's not really a better word) behaviors. i had something and i lost it. that's the gist of it. i lost the will to fight, i just let it go. should i have put in more of an effort? if i had forced the issue there would be no happy, just resentment and probably another bout down the line. i'm not one for manipulation. also, why fight an opponent that has given up? it's pointless. agh. ugh. i have been through all this before, but the before was so much worse, so much worse. this is fucking easy as pie. key lime pie, too, which is really fucking easy (ask me & i'll tell you how easy it is. really.). the big problem for me is that i still can't stop thinking about it all. all day every day. questioning what was said, how it was said, what it meant. did i say everything i needed to say? in the right way, even? i'm not sure. i really don't want to rehash the whole thing. i don't want to deal with it anymore. i want it to go away. that thing that i had, it was the only really decent part of my life at the moment. it was a light at the end of a long dark tunnel. it was warmth at the end of the day, it was comfort in an alien world. so now there's none of that.

what to do? well, i've been drinking a lot. working, trying to keep my mind occupied. i've got a new job working for big tobacco (well not exactly but close), selling cancer, coffee, cheese platters & booze. while it's corporate and irritatingly manual-driven, there are a few aspects of it that are redeeming. specifically, there's so much money in it they're giving it away. the open date was pushed back so they're giving us 30 hours paid vacation next week, plus 30hrs paid if we stay on until christmas. sign me up!

there's that, and a nearly finished piece of furniture. for that, i'll be in len's basement most of next week, with a sander and some whiskey, if you need me.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

the obvious answer

i am awash in this feeling that there is something more to this evening, but i can't quite place it. would saying things are 'good' be an overstatement? i'm not sure. i have been waiting around for something to happen and it's not happening nor will it if i continue to just sit around. sit sit sit. am i... is this it?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

staying in is hard to do

there is so much tired in my brain i am swimming in it. plans fall through and instead of making new ones i'm resigning myself to staying right here on the couch. possibly heading to baskin robbins for some sweets. watch some tv. watch more tv. read the last of that book, pick up another one before bed.

i weeded and raked the back yard at work today, fingers dirty from plant matter (cellulose mashed in between the ridges of skin that form my finger prints, microscopic melding) cold from the wind. it felt good to tear things up from the roots, clear out a space and ready it for the winter. i need to do the same with my mind, i believe. collect the refuse and put it in a blue bag, out to the dumpster to be smashed in with the other trash and separated at a later date to be recycled and possibly consumed again in some other form. does this mean i can never really rid myself of all this brainclot?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

sunday slowly

sleeping in, blueberry pancakes, trader joe's, weed and watching Rome, eating leftover burrito stump, sitting around on my behind, hoping for a call, thinking about turning on the tv, this cigarette is good, will i apply for a coffee shop job tomorrow?, glad i am stoned, indecisive, slightly bored but not sure if it's a problem yet, no work tomorrow or the next day, thinkin thinkin thinkin thinkin, etc.