teh interweb

23 July 2006

Oh that’s right, there’s a blog here. I’ve been expecting someone else to update it for me. Maybe just get inside my head and grab some of the thoughts that are in there and send them out into the internet in word form. I think there’s a niche there. (It’s probably been filled by podcasts, ie. blogs for people even lazier than me; but I want the Full Mindreading Service. And you should already know that I want it now.)

Speaking of the internet, the Dodo ad for broadband was on TV the other night (which involves side-by-side ‘simulations’ of a picture downloading, with the Dodo-powered picture magically coming in faster; however, still loading line by line, which I personally have never seen since switching to broadband … but I digress) and the following conversation was had:

Mr. T: Isn’t it odd to think the internet is just floating round in the air right now.*Me: Yes. The internet is all around me. I am breathing in the internet.Mr. T: Yes you are. Do you feel smarter?Me: I feel … like porn.Mr. T: That’s the internet, all right.

Actually I have just upgraded our internet service (we were on some medium-speed, high-download plan (not by choice, they just kept upgrading our download limit with no interference on our part) to a cheaper honking-1500k-fast-speed, low-download plan) and yet I notice no difference. Perhaps I should ask Mr. T if the porn comes in faster. I haven’t noticed the air eddying and swirling all around me as the internet whooshes past, but I’ve had the gas heater on and maybe that cancels it out.

Black Dog Update: currently he is really pissing us off as he is making no effort to walk. He prefers to lie there and cry in the expectation that someone will come and give him a drink or take him outside. I completely understand his reasoning: unfortunately, he is both a smart dog and a lazy one. Combine these two and you get a dog who would much rather not exert himself and stand on legs which hurt him, when instead he could lie on his side and improvise extended vocal melodies on the themes of Pain and Anguish. (He’s very good at this.) We are standing him up and doing his physio and taking him swimming, but when you sit him up and he just collapses there’s not a lot you can do. Apart from beat him in a fit of wild rage, then skin him to make a winter coat. This is the preferred option at the moment so I’ll let you know if his hide ends up on eBay.

* Please note we do not really think the entire internet is floating around in the air. We also do not think that electricity is malevolent or that microwaves heat up the water in your brain.**

** Please do not email me if you in fact think this. We once had a flatmate who a) hated the microwave and b) did a Reiki course; he left his Reiki stones out in the rain overnight to ‘energise’ them or ‘cleanse’ them or something, and Mr. T told him that he’d found them out there so he’d put them in the microwave to dry them. We found this very, very funny. He may have put some sort of Reiki curse on us, of course, but I’m pretty sure that microwaves totally cancel those out.