Parenting Unplugged: Self-Care

DHARMA AND THE MODERN WORLD

January-March 2015

Kasia’s son sitting at his altar. Photo courtesy of Kasia Beznoska.

By Kasia Beznoska

On a daily basis, most people have a multitude of responsibilities to manage, tasks to get done, meals to prepare and children to care for. Not to mention, taking care of themselves in the process of all that other stuff. It can be very easy to fall into unhealthy habits and routines, and become very overwhelmed with daily life. One very important saying I have heard repeated again and again by a number of different Buddhist teachers is “slowly, slowly.” This phrase has a lot of power.

After giving birth to my son, I remember thinking to myself, “Wow. I am responsible for this child, this human being. How am I going to take care of him when, at times, I struggle in my own life?” Truthfully, that question has come to my mind several different times over the past three years. Having a child has been such an incredible blessing and truly has changed my life for the better. However, rarely does a day go by when I am not being put to a “test,” so to speak. Some days it feels like every ounce of my being is being challenged by this incredibly smart, energetic three-year-old. Learning to stay fully present and watch my own thoughts and emotions before reacting has definitely been the most eye-opening experience in my life since becoming a mother. The concept of staying in the present moment was not something I necessarily understood wholeheartedly, nor do I think my grasp is still that concrete right now, but I do feel like I’ve been able to experience more of what this feels like.

Only when I create enough space within my own mind am I able to learn and be taught.

But, how are we, as parents and caregivers, supposed to create space within our minds so we can react calmly when we are overworked, overscheduled and overwhelmed?

Self-care.

This word may sound foreign to some, but it is critical to our overall health as human beings, and especially as parents! For some time, I honestly believed that self-care was a selfish concept. As a Buddhist, my job is to care for others, not care for myself. But slowly, over time, I began to understand that with proper motivation, taking time to care for oneself in order to better serve others is not selfish at all. It is wise. And necessary.

As Lama Thubten Yeshe said:

“Be wise. Treat yourself, your mind, sympathetically, with loving kindness. If you are gentle with yourself, you will become gentle with others.”

Moment to moment, life is constantly changing. Change is the only constant there is. So in order to ride these waves of life, our bodies and minds must be healthy and balanced. Being too extreme is not healthy. Never taking time to relax or enjoy something may leave you feeling overworked and constantly stressed out. Why not try to find simple ways to incorporate self-care routines into your life to help maintain balance?

I think the first step is tuning into your own mind and heart to find out how you are truly feeling. Personally, I think it is all too easy to operate on autopilot. My days can become extremely full and before I know it, an entire week passes and I am completely exhausted because I’m not doing anything to create balance within my life.

Honestly, I will admit that my meditation cushion and meditation space do not get utilized on a regular enough basis. I do, however, find extreme comfort and calm when I create time to sit and meditate. Meditation, for me, is a tool for engaging in self-care. Not only do I feel a noticeable shift mentally, but physically I am allowing myself to slow down and just be.

Often times when I sit to meditate, my son will join me in filling water bowls. He absolutely loves helping with this! His “job” is to hold the incense and purify all the water bowls before filling them, and then he proceeds to walk around the upstairs of the house purifying our home. It is really quite sweet.

As a mother and early childhood educator, I feel it is also completely necessary to educate children about self-care and regulating emotions. A few months ago, I found a wonderful small table at our local recycling center and brought it home. After cleaning it up, my son chose items from his room – pictures, paintings, tsa-tsas and his Jade Buddha statue given to him by his grandmother – to put on his own altar table. He was (and still is) incredibly proud of his altar. He has a mini gong to offer beautiful music to the buddhas and also a peace jar filled with glitter to shake up and watch settle to help his mind calm down if he is upset. Creating this space for my son was intentional. It is a hope of mine that as he continues to get older, he can find a quiet space no matter where he is to center and balance his own body and mind. The altar also helps remind me to create more time for sitting meditation.

Just like us, children also need help finding peace within their minds and lives. If we, as adults, are able to learn what helps us, then we are better able to help our children, students, friends, etc. We act as a guide and remain humble along the way, because moment to moment we are always learning and changing. We must be kind to ourselves, because whether we like it or not, we are role models for all the younger generations who come after us. Use your mind. Tap into your heart and rejoice for the fact that every new day you wake up, you have an incredible opportunity to learn and practice.

Kasia Beznoska

And that, my friends, is an amazing gift.

Kasia grew up in rural New Hampshire, often traveling with her mother back and forth between Milarepa Center in Vermont, and Kurukulla Center in Massachusetts. While attending college in Boston, Kasia began volunteering at Kurukulla Center, and also helped to coordinate Family Camps at Milarepa Center, and children’s programs at Kurukulla Center. Kasia says she has been extremely fortunate to grow up in a Buddhist family, with both her mother and brother serving as past directors at Milarepa Center, and her second cousin being Ven. Roger Kunsang. Currently, Kasia resides in New Hampshire with her three-year-old son, and works as a Montessori preschool teacher/children’s yoga teacher.

The whole thing, so many practices, all come down to live the daily life with bodhicitta motivation to put all the effort in that whatever you do. This way your life doesn’t get wasted and it becomes full of joy and happiness, with no regrets later, especially when you die and you can die with a smile outside and a smile in the heart.