Day 21: Learn the art of “give and take”

This picture sums it up better than I ever could. Love is all about compromise. Finding an equilibrium that works for both of you, not just one of you. For me, this has been the hardest part of love. I’m definitely a taker in relationships. I want it my way or no way at all. Granted, I will give myself some credit, I have grown up a lot. But there are times when Elliot and I are talking about our future and the only option I hear is mine. His ideas and solutions seem to just go in one ear and out the other. Sometimes, I just want to take without having to give back much of anything.

And let me tell you folks, that does not make a solid, good relationship. I’ve learned the hard way, through many tears and hour-long fights, that you can’t have a relationship without give and take. I’ve tried to find some sort of loophole, but I’ve come up empty-handed. So to avoid many unnecessary fights, and to really have a strong, healthy relationship, I had to master how to not only take, but also give. Below I listed the biggest ‘thing’ we’ve been arguing about and how it was fixed with a dash of compromise. [I’d add more, but really don’t feel the need to air all of my dirty laundry!]

Argument: To move or not to move, that is the question

Moving, by any definition, is never easy. It’s stressful, daunting, overwhelming, exhausting and monumental, which are emotions and adjectives that are never easy on a person, better yet two. So take the concept of moving [a 2 bedroom apartment and 2 dogs] and then add in the financial aspect [more rent for less space], and you’ve got yourself a nice little enviroment for an argument. I want to move for three, very solid, very logical reasons: 1. I hate the metro and want a shorter commute 2. I’m young, vibrant and careless and want to live in the city. 3. Our neighbors, I’m sure, know everything about us and will have us evicted if we don’t. So, I’ve pushed the idea of moving into the city onto Elliot and really haven’t given him any sort of opinion in the matter. I’ve found apartments and I’ve set up times to visit, without really consulting him.

It’s never good to be at each other’s throats [or in this case, each other’s backs!]

Well, let’s just say he didn’t like that much. One of our most recent fights is about how I haven’t even considered his feelings or his opinion in the matter. So this time, instead of just yelling at him and ignoring his side like I have in the past, I decided to listen, to see if maybe some of his points were legit. And you know what? They were. He wants to move for the same reasons as I, but with graduate school and a wedding, thinks it might not be the most financially responsible decision. He also doesn’t feel comfortable paying substantially more for substantially less. All points I agree with and should have listened to in the first place. So to appease us both, I’ve started looking in neighborhoods other than the ritzy, uber-pricey ones and have formulated a savings plan that will ease the cost of moving on him. If you do a bit of give and take, the outcome is always a win win. I get to move and he gets to remain fiscally afloat.

Now, I’m not saying all things can be solved with this method, but some of the most common arguments can be eased with a dash of compromise. [At least in my case!] So next time you are admist a fight, take a few minutes to hear out your partner. You might be surprised at how much you agree with them and how easy the issue can be resolved if you just a give a little.