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Having No Expectations Or Am I Just Cynical

I read a blog post on a great blog last week regarding having sex early in a relationship at mylifeisdrama.wordpress.com (Hope it’s okay to promote your blog;) I should have written this post sooner because now I don’t remember why I connected that post to having expectations in a relationship. I’m going to give it a shot tonight before I completely forget what I wanted to write about.

Anyway, what I think it was is when I was younger before I was married, I would make men wait to have sex with me. I felt if a guy waited for me, he respected me and was obviously into me enough that he would wait. But now, post divorce, I don’t really make a guy wait. Now I’m spreadin em for every guy I meet. But sometimes a girl just needs some lovin.

I think part of the reason I changed was I stopped having expectations with guys, especially guys I met online. I kept setting myself up for disaster because I would meet a guy and think he’s great and that he would fall into the fantasy that I thought he would be. And I would always be let down. It came to a point where I threw that fantasy out the window and started taking guys at face value and took each phone call and then date and then the date after that as it’s own entity. And making a guy wait for sex also went out the window because there were let downs there as well. Sex isn’t everything to me. But it is something. And I want to know early on if there is some compatibility in that area as well. Yes, I know the sex gets better. That’s why I give early poor performers a second and sometimes a third chance;) But it’s still early enough in a relationship that I’m not super attached. But my feeling is (and some of my guy coworkers have confirmed this) if A guy likes you and enjoys your company and you sleep with him a few dates in, that he will still want to see you if he actually likes you and is looking for a relationship. (I just wanted to get that last line in there.)

That was a lot and I hope it made sense. (Drinking wine makes me whine.) I am liking the parenthesis tonight. I wonder sometimes if the downside to that is that I’m ruining it for the girl that still wants to make a guy wait. I believe it to be true that guys surf online dating sites looking for the women that might sleep with them on the first or second date. And they can sense who that type of girl is. So they will pass over the good girl for that type of girl. And I guess sometimes I’m that type of girl. So I’m contributing to the problem.

I also wonder sometimes if me not having expectations is me being cynical because since I take most guys at face value to start, I assume that they’re just looking for sex or probably full of shit and BS. Then if they’re not, it’s like, “Hey, I met a good guy.” And if they are BS sex shit crazies, then I don’t say anything because that’s what I figured it would be and on to the next one!

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9 thoughts on “Having No Expectations Or Am I Just Cynical”

I understood what you were saying. Expectations most likely will leave you disappointed. When online dating, it is hard to not have expectations since you build your own after seeing pictures, chatting and reading their profile (which is mostly garbage – with the few exceptions) but, rarely do men or women live up to your expectations. Online dating is a different animal unlike you naturally meeting someone by chance in a grocery store. It seems like men generally are looking for the women that will jump in bed right away and I guess as long as you are comfortable doing that then continue. It is common to feel cynical with regard to people’s motives and expectations when online dating.

I’ve always believed in following your intuition and not denying chemistry (physical or otherwise). I was intimate with a guy on the first date…and he’s been my boyfriend for the last happy ten months.

I too am a believer in chemistry but sometimes both intuition and chemistry are slightly decieving. But yes that does happen as well. I guess you have to use your discretion. As contradictory as this sounds I suppose knowing someone for a long period of time and then having sex with them sometimes can give you the same results as sleeping with someone the first time.

I am starting to think that I have been putting too much emphasis on what type of woman I am.. who cares? Who’s standard are we holding ourselves to, anyway? I have sex when it feels right, early or late.

Also, for women to assume that men have one objective seems unfair. The same way that we are holding ourselves to an unrealistic standard that has NOTHING to do with our true opinions of ourselves, we are holding men up to an unfair and unrealistic standard of OUR creation.

We have the opportunity in this day and age to make in informed decision whether there is a connection. If, for you, this means waiting.. fine. If not.. that’s fine too.

It has only been within the last year or so that I’ve met women willing to have sex or imply that they are overtly sexual early. I just had a night loaded with sex and I’m committing myself to this one, not because of the sex, but because things were lining up overall.

I was willing to wait and I had no real intentions of sleeping with her on this last date, but after I told her I planned on behaving that night, she said she didn’t have the same plan in mind. We ended up going at it three times.

So on one hand, as someone who has been in online dating for a very long time, I do advocate waiting a bit longer than a few dates. There are far too many risks involved. For instance, one woman on POF has it in her headline that she has Herpes. A woman I went on a date with earlier this year fessed up to having HPV. You should definitely be discerning because we are looking in a very small pond, a pond where the same guys are having sex with many of you. Many of the women in my area have three kids. There is a reason why they have three and not one or none at all.

If you don’t think it’s a small world, let me just say that I went on a date with a woman who lived 2 hours away. She ditched me for someone else. A few months later, I went on a date with another woman who was more local. She had been on five dates with a guy and he turned out to be the same guy the other one picked. That’s an awfully small pond in a two hour radius, right?

Now, from a man’s perspective, when I read a profile that explicitly states I will have to wait for sex, it usually goes hand in hand with a back story where she has been worked over and used too much.

I have other perspectives on chemistry, but my main assessment is that we mistake lust and love far too easily and the lovely spark you seek is much different than the flame that burns in the fire of love. That analogy implies that we may have a hand in generating the spark.

As for dating profiles, well, you can tell by this comment I’m not good at brevity. My profiles have always ended up being novels. I generally believe that in online dating, garbage in is garbage out. If you can spot the garbage, don’t go dumpster diving.

Awesome blog – I enjoyed reading it and can relate a lot to the situation you are in. Thanks so much for referencing my blog – that made my day!
You know what – I just stared seeing this guy and he is so nice but I keep expecting something to go wrong because of the idiots I dated before who just wanted sex – its hard to let your guard down so I think your doing amazingly.

I’ve been a fan of making guys wait for a while to see if I really like them once the novelty passes and the “being on your best behavior” phase is over. I’ve had a lot of friends that thought they were crazy about someone but it was more about the love drunk chemicals from the sex. If a guy tries to get some on the first date, I figure he doesn’t have any manners and is probably not a gentleman.
I did find my future baby daddy on eHarmony and it was really hard to hold out because our attraction/chemistry is insane. So I am a fan of waiting, but I’m also a little bit old school and not attracted to that many people.