The Princess Bride

Rounding the corner on another season of GG (this isn’t the finale, but I’m ready for it to end) and I have to say, it feels like a limp to a close – no? Thanks as always for all your emails – Lainey sends them all along – and to those who said I should have addressed more of Chuck’s aggressive, possessive behaviour last week, I hear you. Apparently I will get the chance once again this week.

So meanwhile – previously on GG, Charlie made Vanessa look bad to Dan, because that’s a sport on this show, Chuck’s uncle wanted to destroy him, and Raina was furious that Chuck tried to hide the truth about her mother (and so called Jack Bass), B got mad at S for trying to ruin her chances with the Prince’s mother, but ultimately he asked her to marry him, and when she told Chuck, he slammed his fist through a window and cut B’s face.

I continue to be fascinated by K.Bell’s job on this show.

Adorable “Roman Holiday” sequence. Blair is blissful on the back of Louis’ Vespa. Black and White. Charmant. He goes faster, she gest more anxious. He turns into Chuck. They crash, she wakes up. I love that Blair dreams in camp.

Serena puts on cute cute shoes. Answers the phone to Vanessa, whose EVERY LINE begins with “I know you don’t like me but” – man, how is Szohr’s self esteem? It’s not like she gets to play a fun villain, even. Anyway, Vanessa is all “can you at least acknowledge your cousin be crazy?” Serena says no and hangs up. So, dramatic achievement (someone changes in a scene) failed.

Charlie and Dan identify candy by taste. She loves them and books. W/ever. She confesses to loving Flowers In The Attic which no girl her age read. Sorry writers. She flatters Dan about his New Yorker story which is a clumsy setup for him to intro party of the week. It’s at Constance. He asks her to go w. him. She accepts as if engaged. Hands him a ring pop, I have a cavity.

Blair’s parents! Hooray! Cyrus is here. Eleanor throwing an engagement party. Also, Vitamin Water something-or-other design contest she’s judging. I smell a Little J plot. Serena appears, is rude to Eleanor. Then B is mad about something she had forgiven S for last week. Sure. They conduct their pettinesses in front of B’s parents.

Restaurant. Raina (who’s too fond of cocktail dresses in the morning). Jack Bass. He hits on her. She explains – wants revenge. What’s in it for Jack? Reins of Bass industries. Nate enters, scandalized. Jack insults Chuck and Nate in one breath and thus I am obligated to like him.

Charlie and Rufus. This has “Poison Ivy” imprinted all over it. He lectures – her mom is worried she’s not on her meds. He picked them up for her. Charlie smarms she’s going to take them. Rufus, PROTECT YOURSELF.

Louis’ mother bitches that NYC is grey. B hugs Louis’ other arm. She shouts. I have the 2008 version of her coat. Cursory mentions of Albert and Stephanie’s bastard children. B sees Jack Bass. Obligatory mention of weight loss due to romance. Mother is not impressed. Had B followed. I feel bad such a sophisticated woman has to say the words ‘Chuck Bass’.

Serena, five seconds after previous Serena scene: “Looks like someone got their trust fund!” Charlie has garment bag, secured from “loan from bank of Cece” since Serena vouched for her. Charlie’s phone rings from 1984, it’s her ma. She says the word ‘turst fund’, because obviously not smart. Hangs up and throws out pills. Nice.

Serena brings mom dinner. I know this house arrest plot was for drama but can we cease explaining why she’s offscreen every single time? We get it, she ain’t there. S talks to Rufus, who jollies her along telling her that Blair “loves her as much as anyone”. If that ain’t amnig with faint praise…

Serena barges into her old/Charlie’s current room. I would kill this woman, she’s so cloying and annoying. Also, Serena’s dress she’s wearing is far prettier than the one she takes out of the closet. Charlie, who we’re supposed to understand is SWFing Serena, ties her hair into a ponytail.

B and her Breastplate. She and Eleanor notice Cyrus charming the pants off Princess Sophie. Including lying about B’s devotion to birds. Sophie has agreed to let them get officially engaged and make an appearance at Constance tonight. Sophie sees B’s face cut. Oh – so does Louis. He’s here! Cheers to Cyrus!

Party. Still daylight? S looks too severe in her pink Grecian. S apologizes for the 90th time this week. B is gracious in acceptance.

Hey, GG can stream video now! B is perturbed that he’s being shipped to forcible rehab. Now Serena and Dan talk, as though – what now, again? I can’t even remember why they fought. She ditches him.

B finds Louis in her bedroom. He’s all “I know you saw Chuck”. Stammer, stammer. She’s sorry. Man, her dress is an Atrocity. Anyway, Louis is scandalized that she lied to protect that Chuck hurt her. She Has A Dark Side. He still wants her. He wants to know the dirt. Ooh, Louis, you sure?

Louis tells her not to show up at Constance if she’s not ready to ‘share all of her life’. Sounds like a euphemism for something naughty, to me.

Dan’s worried about Charlie, when she shows up all Scarlett O’Hara in a dress that Serena lockjaws is hers. Like we would be supposed to remember.

Chuck’s suite. Thorpe rifles, gets Chuck’s tape. Turns to leave – and sees Nate. Followed by Jack. Followed by Chuck. Hurrah! A good-old double-crossing! They want to know why Thorpe wants the tape so bad. They played “follow the leader”, and called some lawyers to watch with them.

Thorpe locked the doors and set the fire. Dangerous!

Cocktail party. Blonde vs. Blonde. Dan says Charlie looks good, Serena says Charlie should’ve asked to wear her dress. Charlie crazies she bought the dress today. Dan = “You do have a lot of dresses”. GOD DAN SHUT UP. You smug bastard. S gets defensive-offensive, all “Let’s see the label”. Then demands Charlie take off the dress. S swears it has nothing to do with Dan who is STILL being annoying, but Little Girl Lost turns to go anyway. And Dan smugs that he WAS going to take it slow with Charlie but now he’s just going to take her in the dumbwaiter.

Jack bitches that Chuck has only Olives and Magic Mushrooms and he’s starving, where are the cops? Thorpe gets to say it was an accident . He and Bart were partners so he got to frame Bart-slash-try to kill him. Chuck realizes Avery loved his dad all along. His dad was lovable? Anyway, the rules were, Bart got all the money and company – and the blame.

Now Thorpe wants to give Chuck his whole company just so Raina doesn’t find out what happens. Chuck tells Thorpe to disappear, and he does with trite words about Raina.

LONGEST PARTY EVER. B talks to Cyrus just so he can say the phrase “Princess Bride-to-be”. Anyway, B’s all sad, worried Louis won’t love her dark places. Chuck loved her dark places. I restrain myself from all the jokes jumping off the page. Cyrus endorses the ‘Tell Him Everything” angle. And frankly, so do I.

Oh wait, it’s the character assassination of Raina now! Nate’s the one waiting for her, but she comes downstairs all “you’re late” and storms across a lobby. I need more lobbies to storm across. Anyway, she’s pissed because Jack Bass bailed. Raina’s dialogue is bitchy and terribly delivered, which is a terrible combination. Especially when the one who’s trying to defuse it is Nate. Anyway, Raina: “I’m not stopping until Chuck feels as bad as I do”. Nate: “I’m about to spill a big secret!”

Dan and Charlie pull up to Constance in a cab. Why don’t these kids get the shivers going back to their high school? Charlie ignores a call from Rufus and this just gives me a pang, because I really miss when this show was in high school and there were headbands.

Chuck and Jack heart-to-heart. No, really. Anyway, Jack says Bart wasn’t a murderer. He defended Chuck because “Why would I let anyone play with my punching bag?” Then he goes off to get Blair back. Sigh. More platitudes of fake japery from Jack.

Raina, in tears, calls Thorpe. He backpedals and lies that it’s Chuck. Raina weeps. Has to deliver the line “You’re as dead to me as my mother is”. Honey, he still loves you.

Serena pours bubbly water. Vanessa appears looking like a sporkachone. Does she just wander the streets waiting for her phone to ring? Anyway, Serena says Charlie’s turning Dan against her and Vanessa hairtrigger blames Blair. I love her.

Rufus descends. Irritated to see Vanessa. And here I thought those two were going to hit it off. He’s never heard of privacy and shows the two girls Charlie’s empty pill bottle.

Constance. Kati and Iz sighting! Old school! They ignore him. Charlie giggles, cloying and irritating. She pushes to find out what he did that was ‘crazy’. He confesses to his lameness and if you’re watching on PVR, freezeframe NOW. Maybe this really was Blake’s dress and they hauled it out, or the alterations didn’t work right or something, because Charlie has some HORRIBLE quadri-boob right now and it looks terrible. Please, please don’t do this to your boobs, people. I don’t care how cute you think a strapless is. Either it’s tight ABOVE your breasts – all of them – or it’s structurally sound elsewhere, or you don’t wear it. Please don’t strap in only half of them.

What? Show? Charlie wants Dan to do something ‘crazy’. Exhaustion sets in as they push into the headmistress’ office. Although this does remind me of the time I partook of something in plain sight in a school building a week before graduation. I wasn’t terrified of being caught, per se, but the thrill, it lasted.

Inside the office, the least original girl ever takes off her dress, revealing that the offense against her breasts is perpetrated in part by her corset. She and Dan get gross on one of the desks (the act isn’t gross, Charlie is).

And then she proves my point by asking him to call her Serena.

Ew! Oh, AmAZing. I never get tired of seeing Dan’s boner get killed, but that was something. Charlie gets a text that her trust fund has kicked in.

Blair bitches by Kati and Iz. Then gets a call that Chuck needs her. Then calls out “Serena’s cousin! Come here!” This amuses me so that I almost – but of course, not really at all – forgive B for leaving her very important ‘was here, am returning’ message for Louis with Charlie. Stupid B.

Charlie gazes at Dan.

Serena – AND VANESSA –interrogate Rufus on how bad it can get when Charlie goes off her meds.

Chuck’s at Constance. Some child yells at him. I think it’s the one whose virginity B tried to guard. Um, OK. Her friend looks like the product of inbreeding. But they are actually playing the age they are which is nice.

B heads to the roof. Someone closes her out there. We think we see dress shoes. Oh, and then – Oh shit, it’s Thorpe!

Well OK Gossip Girl, if you’re gonna borrow from Veronica Mars for your finale, you could do far worse…

Before I sign off, a word about Momsen and Szohr not returning next season. This is not that much of a surprise, nor is it that much of a slight. Their characters are all played out, as we well know. Generally if you get a role on a show like this they’ll sign you to a six-year-contract – which is why you don’t hear anything about Blake and Leighton getting restless. They know what they signed up for. But for Szohr and Momsen, they had a good run and made some cash, (I notice tonight’s credits still include Momsen which means she’s still getting paid…) and it’s not a slight for either of them. I mean, maybe Szohr wishes Vanessa had turned into a person, but she knew that wasn’t going to happen midway into season 2, I expect. At least now she can go do auditions for movies. Right? Right?

Attached – Ed Westwick at the St Pancras Renaissance Hotel Grand Opening Party in London earlier this month.