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7 Ways to Handle a Breakup While (Gasp!) Living With Your Significant Other

Moving in together is a big relationship milestone. Huge. But what happens when things just aren’t working anymore? Breaking up is bad enough, but what about calling it quits and moving out of the apartment you share with your significant other? Talk about bummer and a half.

The folks over at Rent.com talked to 1,000 U.S. renters to see what it’s really like to go through a breakup with someone you’re living with. And you know what? It pretty much sucks. (Dear J, You’re never allowed to leave me OR our apartment. Sincerely, me.)

According to the survey, 38% of renters have ended a romantic relationship with someone while still living together. Of these, 38% moved out within two weeks, but 62% stayed put for a month or longer (even up to a year!). Yikes. I’d definitely be crashing on a friend’s couch by the next day!

Rent.com also broke down some logistics of the whole breaking-up-and-moving-out process and found:

56% of renters say that actually moving their stuff out was the hardest part to deal with.

Renters agreed that dividing up stuff was way harder than dividing up financial responsibilities.

Renters were most likely to live together post-split because they couldn’t find another place they could afford (33%). And, of these, women (34%) are more likely to stay in the apartment than men (30%).

25% of renters remained roomies because, umm, why should I be the one who has to move out? Yes, really.

Older renters (45+) have a harder time finding an affordable place to live than younger renters (18-24). (My guess: The kiddos don’t feel as bad about crashing with friends or the 'rents.)

45% of renters 25-34 agreed that, in the future, they’d save more money as a precaution before moving in with a significant other again, 21% of all renters say they'd put the apartment in their name, and 17% said they'd look into getting a prenuptial renting agreement. And 27% of all renters say that the whole moving-in, breaking-up, and moving-out thing put SUCH a bad taste in their mouth that they’d never live with anyone else again. (Aw :()

During the breakup, 61% of those surveyed said friends and family were the biggest solace, but 16% said a good stiff drink did the trick (ha!).

1. Plan ahead. If you're planning to initiate the split, before you do, try to anticipate likely problems and get your thoughts in order before you break the news. Think about important decisions you will have to make like deciding who gets your apartment, how you're going to divide your shared belongings, and how you're going to manage your shared finances. Be sure to give your partner time to think about those things before you sit down to discuss logistics.

2. Be civil. Breaking up is hard enough, but going through a breakup while living together can be very emotionally draining. As much as your anger might motivate you to fight, you want to remain as calm and respectful as possible to make your discussions and negotiations about dividing your things a little easier to manage. Research done by Rent.com showed that about a third of couples who recently broke up continued living together because they couldn't afford a new place. If that proves to be true for you as well, you want to be able to co-exist on respectful terms until one of you moves out.

3. Respect each other's space. When you were a couple you took your shared space for granted, but now that you've broken up, you're each going to need more privacy to deal with the breakup. Discuss where you will sleep and times when you can agree to leave each other home alone so that you can be free to privately vent to friends and family on the phone, pack your things, and deal with your emotions. If things are too heated, one of you can spend a couple of nights with a friend until things calm down.

4. Make a clean break. While you're still living together, you may catch yourself falling into your old romantic roles and you may be tempted to have sex. Things will go more smoothly if you stick with the decision to break up and don't confuse yourself or your partner by behaving in ways that might imply a reconciliation that isn't going to happen. If you find it hard to be around your partner, spend less time at home and try to expedite plans for one of you to move out.

5. Set a "moving out" date. Once you've decided who gets the apartment and who is moving out, setting a target date will keep you on track toward making a clean break. Continuing to live together while broken-up can be stressful, so as much work as it takes, it's helpful to make a plan to move out so that things don't drag on.

6. Seek support. Significant others often do double duty as best friends, so when you're breaking up and living together, most people feel very isolated and lonely. This is a good time to reach out to your other friends or family members who can help you deal with your hurt feelings and some of the logistics including helping you look for another apartment, move, or redecorate if you're staying put.

7. Compromise on the details. There are many decisions you will have to make in order to separate after living together. You need to discuss how you are going to handle your shared items, pets, the apartment, friends, current bills, outstanding personal loans, etc. That's a lot for two people who just broke up to agree on. Remember it's a give and take, so try to be flexible and compromise in the interest of reaching an agreement and keeping things as amicable as possible for as long as you live under the same roof.

What do you think about the Rent.com survey and Dr. Michelle’s advice? I remember being very nervous before J and I moved in together and the possibility of ever splitting up and having to go through the whole moving-out thing. I’m definitely a little more relaxed now that we’re engaged, that’s for sure. And can you believe that the whole breaking-up-while-living-together thing has turned more than a quarter of renters off from ever doing it again? Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard?

Photo: Thinkstock

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Melissa MelmsRelationships writer, editor, and full-time N.Y. Rangers fanatic. Loves sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of cohabiting with her soon-to-be hubby (whether he likes it or not).