We've all lived many lives

Katamari Damacy/ Tap My Katamari

Welcome to an unforeseen cult classic from the PS2. To be fair like most cult classics you must fit in a category which functions within the parameters of: being basic and approachable, easily likable (as if that’s a concept), and the all important replayable.

Today I am the Prince of the Cosmos. The King and I were flying around the universe and I’m guessing we had a couple too many because we destroyed the whole galaxy. Okay, we destroyed all the constellations in the galaxy. Anyway, it’s up to me to unfuck this fuck up which I apparently had nothing to do with except guilt by association.

The task today is to roll what is known as a Katamari. It’s basically a dog ball chew toy which is controlled by me rolling it around. Now the idea is the Katamari is sticky to Earth items. However, we start of at 5mm and can only pick up items which are either smaller or around the same size till said Katamari is bigger. This sounds easy, and already fills in criteria for becoming a cult classic. Levels increase difficulty as we begin to create themed constellations. This includes ducks and swans for Cygnus, crabs for Cancer, the the habitual level of evil is finding a “Giant Bear” for Ursa Major. The issue with this particular level is two fold, firstly, the idea is to get attached a Giant Bear to the Katamari. The catch is you can only pick up one bear like item. What this didn’t seem to imply was a Teddy Bear, Statue of a bear, or a sign which had “Bear Crossing” on it. Seriously that level can suck a dick.

Over all the levels are cheesy and build up for the grander of eventually picking up bridges, planes, Godzilla, and other random things. Which isn’t to imply these things are not obstacles. At one point a mouse becomes your worst enemy. Then it escalates to dogs, cars and people with guns. After the constellations are pretty much taken care of though we have a moon to build and that’s literally a task and a half.

In the mean time we do have something of a storyline here. Storyline adjacent is the life and times of a boy and a girl who are watching Japan-ame TV till a news break reports all the stars are no longer in the sky. These kids try to inform their mother but apparently it’s all just nonsense. What do kids know, after all. Next thing you know these kids, the girl specifically will have a cut scene which goes down in history as scary as fuck. When completing a constellation of major significants she’ll say the following lines, “Oh! I feel it. The constellations, I can feel it.” Creeeeepy…. like what the fuck does this girl feel that no one else can? This is never answered and the family whom happens to have a father who’s an astronaut has nothing to do with the over all plot line. However, we’re here for the experience and apparently game development team felt this was important.

Years later and Tap My Katamari rolls around. Here’s an exercise for you millennial. Mind you the idea is simply the same. Less directional. However the point here is to Tap the screen. Pick up items along your way. Power up and gain friends to cheer you on. Eventually this becomes a test of how fast someone has trained their texting abilities. I spent a solid five minutes and felt a whole new level of carpal tunnel.

If you want a never ending app, download Tap My Katamari. Same characters doing the same thing. Just less story, no kids with unusual celestial super powers, and aside from the King of the Cosmos puking coins at least his bulging package isn’t prevalent unlike Damacy.