Trouble was narrowly averted early yesterday morning in a Neasden 24 hour garage. The incident began at shortly after six am, when a scruffy looking woman who looked like she'd never clapped eyes on a bar of soap in her life started to dither at the check out.

Having already put a case of strong lager and a family size bag of doritos on the conveyor she then scarpered back to the chocolate shelf to get some Galaxy and a creme egg.

As the impatient queue got increasingly edgy with her dithering, she hitched up her white jeans to reveal a great big shit stainup the crack of her arse.

At this point, impatientlocal gangster, Arthur Pewty made loud protestations to the effect that he was late for work, that he'd only popped in for a paper, and that he didn't want to see the diarrhoea stained arse crack of some old slapper's jeans.

Let alone watch her fuck, fart and fanny about trying to get her Krapitol One credit card to work in the card reader.

The woman then became verbally abusive towards Arthur Pewty, who fixed her with the cold stare of a ruthless assassin, and called her a "fucking munter" before a security guard intervened and order was restored before any trouble actually got started.

Reputed crime kingpin, Pewty, 53, of Neasden, told anyone who could be arsed to listen:

"The bitch was buying fucking beer and chocolate at six in the morning! What's that all about, eh? As if that wasn't bad enough, she had to turn back and get bleedin' chocolate, then she couldn't get her bastard card to work, then she hikes her trollies up and shows all and sundry this great big shit stain - the filthy old slapper...I only wanted a fucking paper...Did she extend me the courtesy of letting me go before her in the queue? Did she bollocks! Witch bitch. I was very nearly late for work. My boss, Sausage Boy would have had a field day. Oh, and by the way - if you refer to me as a gangster when this goes to press, I'll come round and break your fucking legs. Got that?"

Interesting places, 24 hour garages.

Especially if you live in Neasden.

More as we get it.

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