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Movie Santa Clauses, ranked

Movie Santa Clauses, ranked

Christmas is almost here, which means Santa is about to come visit all the children of the world and drop off toys (or coal).

While there was an actual Saint Nicholas, who was born in a third-century Greek village in what is now Turkey and gave his inheritance away to the poor and eventually became a bishop, the legend of Santa Claus has been around in American pop culture for almost as long as America has been a country.

He drinks, he swears, he steals stuff. Not exactly the man you want to see in your home on a cold winter night, but a pitch-perfect Billy Bob Thornton somehow finds redemption in Willie despite this film’s (very, very) R-rated shenanigans.

It’s a great film to watch when you want something a little more cynical, but not if you’re looking for a good upstanding Santa Claus. (It’s also kind of sad to watch knowing that both John Ritter and Bernie Mac have died.)

If we’re counting “Die Hard” as a Christmas movie, then “Trading Places” is certainly Christmas fare. Aykroyd’s Louis has lost everything, and, before he teams up with Eddie Murphy’s Billy Ray Valentine, he nearly throws it all away as he dresses up like Santa just to steal some raw meat and hide it in his beard. He eventually comes back from this low point. But much of “Trading Places” is about Louis encountering desperation and learning to acknowledge his privilege. That’s timely, right?

Suspend your disbelief for a moment and give in to the proposition that Vince Vaughn and Paul Giamatti could be brothers. Then imagine that Giamatti is actually Nick/Santa and his deadbeat older brother Fred (Vaughn) must learn the error of his ways and help Nick/Santa save Christmas.

All he wanted was to spice things up and bring Christmas to Halloween Town. A true visionary shot down by an unappreciative populace.

Santa Rating: 🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼 Santas, 💀💀 Skulls and 🎃 Pumpkin.

Santa Claus (Voice of Stan Francis), “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

Yeah, he’s kind of a jerk to his elves, but he inspires loyalty. (”We are Santa’s elves!”) And he clearly cares for Rudolph from the beginning of the special. Arguably the template for much of the Santas in future American pop culture.

Before Disney decided to turn this comedy classic into a franchise that featured Martin Short as Jack Frost (yes, it is true), Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor — er, Tim Allen — flexed his comedic chops as he resisted the hero’s call to become the Man in the Big Red Suit.

Sarcastic, heartfelt and hilarious, Scott Calvin learns the true meanings of Christmas and responsibilty by the film’s end. Just ignore the sequels. (Also, it took me entirely too long to figure out that the movie’s title is a pun. Merry Christmas.)

“I’m not just a whimsical figure who wears a charming suit and affects a jolly demeanor, you know...I’m a symbol. I’m a symbol of the human ability to be able to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives. If you can’t believe, if you can’t accept anything on faith, then you’re doomed for a life dominated by doubt.”

Deep words to come from a department store Santa but, this film does center on a court hearing where the very notion of belief is put on trial. Could it happen in America’s courtrooms? No. Does the ending of this film make me smile every time? Yes. (And I know this is the remake, don’t @ me.)

Ed Asner is Christmas movie royalty at this point (on top of being Ed Asner). His Santa here set the stage for a nostalgic throwback to sincere portrayals of Santa, while also making room for modern-day flair. Plus, without him, there really isn’t a plot— Buddy would’ve just stayed in the orphanage. Doesn’t hurt that “Elf” has turned into a classic in its own right.

Any film that tries to explain the “legend” of Santa largely fails, because it’s the legend that makes the dude interesting. (Same with horror films and prequels that try to explain why the killer is how he is. The scary part is that you don’t know.) Not so with 1970’s Rankin-Bass stop motion “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town,” starring Fred Astaire, Mickey Rooney and Robie Lester.

Here we learn that a baby Kris Kringle was dropped on the doorstep of the evil Burgermeister Meisterburger. Kringle is then taken to an orphanage, but before he can get there, he is whisked away to the Mountain of the Whispering Winds, where Kringle is adopted by toymaking elves.

He later becomes an outlaw, since Burgermeister Meisterburger has outlawed toys in his town. Kris decides to make his toy deliveries to the oppresed kiddos one night a year, and the legend is born.

It’s crazy but it’s fun, and it’s as close as we have to an American canon for Santa. That is, until someone decides to make an American Legends Cinematic Universe or something.

Santa Rating: 🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼 Santas and 🍔🍔Burgers

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