Saturday, November 7, 2015

As much as I rue the days I let the good ones go, I sometimes realize it was for the best. For one thing I don't think any of them are even remotely in the semi-anarchist camp where I dwell, philosophically. Although I must admit, beliefs that were once carved in stone are often, now, just etched in silly putty.

I think all of the heartbreakers have achieved a much better standard of living and definitely more stability than would have been found with me. Maybe. It is possible that proper love, support and coaching would have yielded magnificent results. But how often does anyone want to admit I am sort of a quasi autistic functioning adult? People think they know stuff, but they don't. Just the way it is.

I did not even realize where my extreme weaknesses and mild strengths lay until recently. It is a lot to get past, but maybe I will yet work it out. In my thirties, I was like a kid in a candy store, and that was most likely a good bit of my downfall. Judgement lapses have not been infrequent in my life.

It is great to see someone go on to a wonderful life. But once in awhile I look and think, "Holy smoke, how can you possibly enjoy what you have landed in?" Then it dawns on me; if such circumstances are pleasing to my old companions, then I was clearly a very, very poor fit.

The real dilemma is; is it worth dealing with a number of characteristics I find abhorrent in order to not be alone? Most of my life I felt that it was better to be alone than to be with someone whose beliefs and behavior were in conflict with what I consider good form and endearing.

Now, I am not so sure. I guess if the person does not directly lie, cheat and steal, maybe ego annoyances can be overlooked. Or maybe I wish I felt that. But, probably, I couldn't bend to that extent. Bummer. It is amazing what a little cash, and some status can manifest in one's life. Or bedroom. Mostly it works for men, because despite what anyone says, women are naturally drawn to security and power. Money represents both, and status also gives a sense of safety on a subtle level. It is nature and anyone who argues otherwise is just wishing. Nothing wrong with it.

Survival of the species depends upon women being safe to carry to term so that children can have a chance to be born and to survive rather than be eaten by creeps who mill about. The riffraff has always been there from the earliest days to now. A man's job is to keep the creeps away so that babies get born and all that. Women have a power over men to keep them coming back. Trying to deny that is nonsense. Not that it stops anyone.

As technology and culture evolves, maybe the whole thing will change and we become one big ant-like commune. I don't know. For now, the forces of nature guiding humans in the early days still hold sway over instincts and such. That is why they have to drug the hell out of kids to make them fit the way we've structured schools and such. And we have to drug adults to deal with the way we've structured civilized life. Something is clearly awry.

But, that still leaves me alone, casting my eye on memories of the ones who got away, were pushed out, or who ran away. And I think I find a bit of satisfaction when I see one living in a way I would never want, and with a guy that I cannot imagine hanging with. Of course I don't imagine hanging with the guy, but you know what I mean. I see the point and charm in some cases. In others, I think, that is everything I never wanted to be, so yay. Although I would gladly take some of their security and stability, just none of the attitude and etc.

Yikes. I look at myself and think I wouldn't want the attitude and many of the activities in which I engage. I do what I do because I can and because it keeps me from laying down on the railroad tracks waiting for the Chattanooga Choo Choo late at night.

Oops, this is an odd day of the month. Nov. 7. I take the hydrea on odd days. Almost forgot.