With E3 unofficially kicking off with next Saturday's EA Play presentation, I needed to get my official predictions put together. But since I'm of course still in San Francisco for Kinda Funny Live 3 right now, I pre-recorded these on Monday, May 29 so there's no point in telling me how Assassin's Creed Cairo Nights has already leaked or whatever and my predictions are trash.

Anyway, here are my nonsensical predictions that will almost certainly not happen for the major 3rd party and 1st party E3 presentations.

EA - Saturday, June 10 - 12pm PT

Peter Moore will make a cameo in the FIFA 18 push

Battlefront II gameplay to end the conference

Amy Hennig Star Wars game titled and given a 2018 date with a trailer

Tom Brady on-hand to talk about the honor of being the Madden cover athlete

Teaser for the next Dragon Age

Microsoft - Sunday, June 11 - 2pm PT

Halo 6 Teaser a la the Master Chief in a poncho one we got for Halo 5

Scorpio Release Date: November 3rd. Will be fully backward compatible for all Xbox consoles including the original

Scorpio Price: $599.99 (some kind of trade-in offer on 360s and Xbox Ones to help bring down the cost

Crackdown 3 trailer and release date in October (6th?)

At least three new Triple-A IPs are shown off to help enforce the idea that Xbox is about games.

Bethesda - Sunday, June 11 - 7pm PT

Wolfenstein The New Colossus trailer. Coming in 2018

New stuff coming to Fallout Shelter and Fallout 4 VR release date for Vive and Oculus announced

Elder Scrolls Online expansion

Dishonored 2 DLC following the adventures of Meagan Foster

To correspond to the Amusement Park invite: two new titles announced with one of them being The Evil Within 2

Ubisoft - Monday, June 12 - 1pm PT

Opening sequence of Far Cry 5 will be shown off (a la Pagan Min introduction from a few years ago)

South Park Fractured But Whole showing off more of the character classes

New Assassin’s Creed game shown off. Set in Egypt as has long been rumored. We see an Assassin perched atop the Sphinx

A lot of stage time dedicated to Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle partnership. Including an appearance by Miyamoto

New IP announcement to close out the conference

Sony - Monday, June 12 - 6pm PT

Kick-off with The Last of Us Part 2 gameplay

Spider-Man gameplay and maybe a spring 2018 release window

Uncharted Lost Legacy action sequence

God of War big beast - releasing November (3rd)

Days Gone gameplay and October release date (13th)

Nintendo - Tuesday, June 13 - 9am PT

Star Fox Zero port to the Switch announced

Mario Odyssey trailer highlighting the hat

Virtual Console launching with GameCube games like Mario Sunshine, Metroid Prime, and Pikmin

SNES-mini announced

Mother 3 to Virtual Console on Switch. Obviously never going to happen but I’ll throw a prediction away anyway