Wednesday, March 12, 2014

on innocence and healing - part 1

So. Why all this writing about
innocence?

When I ask myself this question what
follows comes to mind.

Through a strange unfolding or emerging
based on spiritual practice, energy work, and connecting dots placed
from a wide array or sources, including my own reflection,
contemplation, and direct inner experience, I've come to strongly
expect that I was molested as a child. It's so scary to publish
this, I've never shared this impression (it isn't much more than an
impression, meaning I can't and will never be able to verify the
reality of this possibility, but I do have a certain confidence) I've
never shared this in such a public way where my brothers who are very
dear to me could read it. I'm not sure why, but sharing this with
them would bring me to a place of more vulnerability than I've ever
been to attain and brings an expectation of and, through the expectation, a
direct experience of a dull but vivid pain and a deep, deep sadness
to my heart that hurts tremendously. I become so afraid, and I have
no idea why. Maybe it's because we've been in each others lives
since the beginning of my life, they are so close to me in a bond of
blood and shared experience and love and I fear they will for some
reason reject this impression, this deep hurt, causing it to hurt
even more because it would feel like they are rejecting me. So I do it indirectly, not knowing if they will ever read
it but knowing that they can, they might, if circumstances come
together in just a (hopefully) right way. I'm not ready yet to speak directly
of this with them. And I'm okay with that. If you are one of my brothers and you are reading this, I hope you are okay with it too. I love you very much.

But in terms of why all this writing
about innocence, one of the dots that connects is the ongoing feeling
of guilt that comes with being a victim of this incredibly hurtful
intrusion. It's a curiosity and fragility of the mind, of the heart,
that having such an infliction and violation causes someone to feel
they were in the wrong, that they are the guilty party. It just
doesn't make sense, but nothing about being made an unwilling participant in the
act of molestation makes sense. How could this have happened? Who
would really willingly do such a thing to me? Who would willingly do such a thing to
anyone? I must have done something wrong. It just doesn't make
sense. But somewhere in the hidden regions of my being I feel it to
be true - I am to blame.