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Neil Ross. He is the master. Numero Uno. The senoir of somnambulance. He can stop a Panzer division at 200 paces with a single utterance. He's slower and more boring than your aged chemistry teacher, until this moment confined to the oblivion he so richly deserved. But now you remember. Neil gives a precise and very technical lecture telling you all you needed to know about Lingerie: "What is the secret of lingerie's irresistible mystique? How can so little mean so much to so many? Lingerie can be naughty and nice or sensual to touch and feel. Whether you like teasing and tempting or hot and kinky (they still used that word in the nineties?) Join us for another visual exploration of this endlessly fascinating subject." Endless is the word. With long...drawn out....pauses...for emphasis on...each....word. He is slick, he is smooth. He is monotone man. He's the one and thank God only, Neil Ross.

FANTASY RAILWAY 1: A train speeds into a station with playmates. "Who knows what possibilities may lie in store...or......(snooze) what might be revealed along the way." There is a shot of a rail guard waving a hand lamp from the side of the train. No doubt warning the platform ahead that Neil Ross is coming.

COUNTRY GIRL: A playmate is hanging washing on a line on a farm while a shirt-less man throws hay bales. Mr Ross is hitting his stride now, like a drugged tortoise. "Far...from....the city, lingerie like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder and a country girl can have fantasies in her own back....yard." Yes Neil, but only in Playboy do the women's clothes come off and the guy's trousers stay on in a female fantasy.

VAMPS: A man enters a high tec house and makes love to a women and they both turn out to be vampires. Dulcet tones of syrup fill the air. "Sometimes lingerie can create a hint of mystery and perhaps an experience both bizarre and....kinky." His voice sort of staccato's. KINKY. Oooooh. Playboy's idea of kinky is 'Nine And A Half Weeks' with plastic teeth.

SUNDAY SNAPS: "Two's company but on a lazy sunday, three...can...be....ZZZZZZZZZ....better." See that playmate on the phone? It's a Neil Ross three minute warning from a compassionate fan.

MANNEQUINS: "Who hasn't been fascinated by Mannequins? You can't blame a young man for wishing they'd come to life." Can the reverse be true? Please lord, begins with an N, ends with an S.

SATIN DOLL: It's nails down a blackboard time, again. "Satin and skin can inspire an infinity of moods and moments." This is the quantum physics part of the lingerie lecture. If a mood is infinite, that is, it doesn't end, how can you get to the next mood? Mind you, waiting for Neil Ross to finish a sentence proves infinity is a relative concept.

HAREM CHIC: "Throughout history people through every land and culture have responded to the powerful spell of lingerie." Well, that's the history break over, let's get naked.

FANTASY FASHION: A playmate strips on stage in front of a man with a fixed smirk. It stays fixed. My God, has the mannequin wish been granted? Is this Neil Ross?

FLYING HIGH: A bunch of playmates are bouncing on a circus safety net. "In the carnival of colours, textures, styles and materials, lingerie is guaranteed to...lift...the....(wait for it, wait for it)..........spirits. It's almost enough to make you run away and join the circus." And you're the decider, Neil.

FANTASY EXPRESS 3: "Part...of...the fun of traveling is the people you meet. And while we're on the subject, what do you say to a naked lady?" Well, with me it's usually "Is this enough money?" The train is vanishing into the distance. Mr Smarm lays it on the line. "The only question is where do we get tickets for the fantasy express?"

Neil, wherever you want to go, just name your price.

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