Friday, January 30, 2015

SFGate is the San Francisco Chronicle's presence on the World Wide Web. The San Francisco Chronicle is an august daily newspaper that has been publishing for over a thousand years and actually has some great people on staff and still does some good journalism.

Why, then, does SFGate look like it was made by a Desoxyn-addled 13-year-old?

Oh my God, calm down. There is shit EVERYWHERE. Where is the fucking NEWS? It's a news site, right? Oh, there's a little box with "Latest News." And I guess the Wise Sons Deli thing is news - but why is there a picture of Popeye's? (I actually know the answer, but will people who don't frequent the Mission know?) What the hell does this Mill Valley 2-bdrm have to do with anything?

[LET ME INTERJECT with a little non-SFGate-related side note. As my associate Olu pointed out yesterday, isn't it odd how little people have been talking about the Popeye's getting destroyed? Especially given Popeye's cult status among certain internetati? And back to SFGate, isn't it so fucking typical that even though Popeye's is in the fucking picture, and Popeye's, a place where most people can actually afford to eat, was also destroyed, the story is about $14 sandwich place Wise Sons? I mean, it's too bad about what happened to Wise Sons, and I wish them nothing but a speedy recovery, but it's just interesting is all.]

BUT WAIT IT GETS WORSE.

Just rando shit everywhere. Here's a Buzzfeed list of the 25 Best Cities for Football Fans, complete with a satanic cheerleader! Here's some party recipes! Here's Home Tours! How about Social Scene! Wait, bond money missing? That seems like Actual News! Why is it buried in here with lifestyle crap?

Here's another screenshot from a week or so ago:

See what I'm talking about? Zero fucking organization. Just throw shit at the screen randomly and CLICK CLICK CLICK WE HOPE!!!! King of Saudi Arabia died! Curry to All Star Game! Some footbridge something or other! ZOOOOOM MORE COFFEE!!!!!!

I'm sure there's some 26-year-old who's behind all this and knows about Monetizing Eyeballs and Click Ratios and shit like that. But on behalf of the rest of the population of fucking Earth, SFGate, I am begging you, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. At least in the old layout I knew what the fuck I was looking at.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

A supersecret cabal known as "The Associates" has learned that the Big 4 (C. P. Huntington, Charles Crocker, Mark Hopkins and Leland Stanford) hid an unimaginable treasure of gold and gems inside an abandoned silver mine once owned by James Flood. The Associate's researchers have discovered that a map to the treasure was acquired by Henry Wells when he won some mounted gold nuggets in a poker game that the map had been secreted behind. Wells later learned of his find but died before he was unable to retrieve the map and find the treasure. The nuggets were later put on display at the original Wells Fargo branch on Montgomery Street, but knowledge of the map was lost until The Associates learned of it.

One day, a representative of The Associates who calls himself "G" contacts Dexter Wright, a onetime jewel thief and bank robber known as "The Professor" because of his well-planned schemes and the fact that he used to teach Classical Poetry at Berkeley. The Professor will be played by Denzel Washington.

"G" has some disturbing news for Wright: several people very close to him, including some good friends and even a cousin, have been kidnapped and will be executed unless he does exactly what The Associates tell him to do. He is to steal the gold nugget display from the Wells Fargo location and deliver it to "G." He offers as proof a photograph of Wright's close friend and former cellmate Manny holding up an iPad with that day's SFist displayed on the screen.

Wright, panicked by the threats, immediately sets about assembling a crack crime team to do the job. First, he tracks down "Ace," an expert at social engineering and surveillance, to scout the location and help him plan. Ace will be played by Rooney Mara.

The Professor and Ace then track down "Wheels," the best car man they know. Wheels says he's out of the game and he's gone straight as a salesman on an Infiniti lot in Fremont. He's wearing a short sleeve shirt with a tie when they find him and will be played by Jake Gyllenhaal.

Wheels turns down the offer until The Professor explains that they're holding Franco, who saved Wheels' life one time when a complicated scheme went bad in Sparks, Nevada. Wheels realizes he can't abandon his friend and agrees to help.

Wheels steals a couple of cars to use. Meanwhile, Ace scouts the location and devises the plan - Operation Brute Force. Instead of trying to circumvent Wells Fargo's elaborate security, why not just drive right into the door? "Like a McDonalds drive-through," she says. "Except the nuggets are GOLD, not chicken." [Pause for audience laughter]

Everyone signs off on the plan. On the appointed night, Wheels drives the car into the bank and the crew seizes the nugget display and flees in another car Wheels has stolen and placed nearby.

As the crew examine the nugget display, Ace notices something on the back - the map. The Professor calls on a trusted ally at Berkeley who reveals the truth about the heist.

A member of The Associates contacts The Professor and tells him they want to settle this amicably: a fair exchange of the hostages for the map. Both sides agree to meet at Fort Point to make the exchange.

The night of the exchange is rainy and mist swirls around the fort. The Professor catches a glimpse of Manny tied up in one of the rooms, briefly illuminated by a flash of lightning. Things go wrong and there is a shootout, which culminates in The Professor and the lead Associate fighting it out along the rickety wooden decks of the fort. Finally, The Professor gets the upper hand, and held at gunpoint, the lead Associate agrees to split the treasure.

Everyone heads to the mine and, following the map, explore the twisting rock tunnels until they locate the vault where the treasure is supposed to be. Instead of the treasure, they find only a yellowed piece of paper saying "On deposit - Wells Fargo & Co. - One Treasure. Signed, Henry Wells." The treasure has long since disappeared.

The last shot is The Professor, Wheels, and Ace having a drink together at Specs when The Professor's phone buzzes. "A job?" he says. He looks over at Wheels and Ace. "Yeah, we might be interested in a job."

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Christ, I am so fucking sorry for that title. That is really, really terrible. Sorry.

Tonight's Special Guests will be a trio of Chris' unnamed sisters, who will interview some of the chixx and decide who gets a Very Special Date with the Farmer. Hey, beats drinking warm goat milk like last week, I guess.

A bunch of the Ladies are off with C in 2 cars with C driving one and HOLY CRAP THEY'RE LETTING MEGAN THE SIMPLE DRIVE THE OTHER ONE. I didn't know you could still get that kind of insurance, ABC! One of the Ashleys comments "For me, if a guy is driving, it's one of the sexiest things he can do." Whoa girl, your commute must be SEXCITING. Wait til you see me parallel park! Holy shit, put your clothes back on! Anyway, this odd procession makes its way to some sad-looking 34% full reservoir somewhere in Southern Cali and it's not long before bikini parts are flying. The Widow Kelsey is NOT AT ALL HAPPY about this date and the "muddy water hellhole" that compares unfavorably to the lakes of the Great State of Michigan! We're in a drought, bitch! Not our fault!

Back at the house, the Farmer Sisters have concluded their interviews - not before making Carly cry because she's never been loved, Y I K E S - and JADE has been named the new Regional Manager! I mean, she gets to go on the date or whatever.

Let's head back to Lake Hellhole where there's going to be some camping! Oh shit, Krazee Ashley is ready to throw down. What she's "most scared of" is having no music so she starts chanting nonsensical syllables and doing her epileptic seizure dance. Kraz gets a chance to sit down with C and maybe show him the other night was an aberration and she can be totally normal.

Sad trombone. As C struggles with this admittedly layered and complex question, Kraz is onto new topics! "Look at the moon. It's so weird to me. And we're sitting here. Like that's weird to me." It's pretty clear now that Kraz is either (1) putting on an act trying to get national attention (2) trying a series of powerful hallucinogens for the first time on network TV or (3) actually in a dissociative state and no one is helping her. Anyway, she closes strong with "I love everything about you" and

Kaitlyn kind of nails it when she says "I don't think Ashley is here for the right reasons because I don't even know if she knows where here is."

VIRGIN TIME!!!! She decides she's going to spill the beans to C and sneaks into his tent in the middle of the night and thank God they aren't filming in Texas or she would be all kinds of shot. She jabbers some nonsense about not being experienced and it's like if you're gay and just tell your parents you like musical theater and think "That should about do it!"

I'm gonna really condense the Big Date with Jade because it's essentially just a half hour commercial for some new live-action Cinderella movie like GOD I am so sick of seeing stories about privileged white people overcoming their struggles. This date mostly consists of them eating dinner alone in a huge room and then dancing alone in another huge room while a movie plays in the background. It's like an agoraphobic's dream date, Anyway, they both are essentially personalityless so I assume they will end up together.

Group date starts with a bunch of chicks in wedding dresses getting on a plane. Hey, Mormons in the Sky! Next month on FXX. Anyway, they land at SFO and they're going to run some mud obstacle course to raise awareness for MS or something. Obvs Jillian is SUPER INTO THIS and everyone else basically quits and Jillian beats that course like a bitch who snitched on her to the bulls. She is awarded a night dinner which she will CRUSH TO DEATH.

This dinner takes place high atop the Fairmont here in lovely SF. Jillian has figured out how to put on a dress. C is babbling non sequitirs. "Family is really important to me, where do you see yourself in five years?" He's just reading random First Date Question Cards together. Jillian unleashes a word firehose on hapless C and literally asks him if he'd rather fuck a homeless girl or go celibate for 5 years. DON'T ANSWER THAT. Understandably alarmed, he boots her off the show and somehow she doesn't beat the shit out of him. We'll miss you and your guns, J.

Cocktail Party! It's Round 2 of Trying to Tell Him I'm a Virgin. She gets it out and SURPRISE! He "totally respects that" which is what you say anytime you find out an adult woman is a virgin or is paralyzed and can paint with her toes or whatever. Oh shit, Becca's a virgin too! Everyone's a virgin now! Baby Jesuses all around!

Here's who's staying: Baby Voice, iCarly, Megan the Simple, Still Not Sure Who Samantha Is But She Keeps Hanging Around, Virgins I & II, and SparklyBritt. Finally, Krazee Ashley can get some help. Also out the door are Chick With Dark Hair I've Never Seen Before and Juelia the Pool Party Ruiner. Better days, ladies.

UPDATE!!!!!! THE PLOT THICKENS. According to I'm sure reputable source "The Stir," Krazee Ashley isn't a hairstylist from Brooklyn AT ALL. No, she's just a boring office drone from Atlanta. Good luck finding a hairstylist in Brooklyn with no visible tattoos, just like I said. Her Instagram feed looks like Normal Off the Shelf White Girl America. So it was an act. Lame.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

I'm not sure exactly how she stumbled upon it - it was most likely on one of those YouTube sidebars of "other videos you might like" while she was watching one of her OG Elmo or nursery rhymes videos - but somehow our 22-month-old daughter discovered the below video and it has now become her own personal "Spitter" episode of Seinfeld. She will watch it again and again.

WARNING: Do not watch it unless you're interested in a pair of hands with complicated nails remove a series of smaller toys from a plastic backpack and then, in turn, open those smaller toys.

Not exactly the last season of Breaking Bad, is it? I'm not really sure what is so attractive about this to our kid. I have theorized that there is some kind of child-level ASMR thing going on, and I will admit the sound of the toys going back into the backpack makes a satisfying "klunk" that my daughter and I both find soothing. (Well, I imagine she does. She likes to watch the shit out of it but she's never said "Dada, I find this soothing.") The parents in the article linked below also share my ASMR theory, to my somewhat surprise.

That's right. This anonymous chick (and if you read the linked article, she seems pretty vigilant about being anonymous) made FIVE MILLION DOLLARS LAST YEAR opening and assembling Disney toys on camera. She came in ahead of #2, TAYLOR FUCKING SWIFT.

This fact is so mindblowing to me partly because until some time last year I had no idea there was such a thing as "unboxing" videos and until a few days ago I really didn't know you could make five million dollars a year making them.

(SIDE NOTE: #4 on the YouTube Walk of Fame is Little Baby Bum, which produces a seemingly endless series of animated videos that I assume if you have a kid you're as familiar with as I am. They are as addictive for toddlers as oxy is for Kentuckians. I could - and perhaps will - write a whole other thing about the LBB world and its characters.)

Anyway, I'm sure the Dora backpack video will blow over at some point just like other once-favorite videos have been discarded. It's just one of those Inexplicable Things about kids.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

This week's gimmick is going to be repeated appearances by Jimmy Kimmel, to what end I cannot imagine other than to use Kimmel's supposed cachet to prop up the bloated Bachelor corpse but what really happens is that Jimmy's antics highlight the moss-covered-rock-like personality of the Farmer. Anyway, we kick off with Kimmel delivering a monologue that's even less funny than a normal monologue would be and the introduction of a swear jar for the word "amazing" which is just as dumb and pointless a concept as it sounds. I would support the idea of a jar you have to put a dollar into every time one of the girls stares into the void and prays for a merciful and painless end but I'm not sure there's a jar big enough.

Solo date with Kaitlyn with a K. For some reason they're going to Costco. This is supposed to be funny I think. Oh, I get it, it's what Real Married Couples do so that's the point. I guess Watching 3 Hours of Top Chef wouldn't make for good TV but that's what Real Married Couples do. Anyway, watching people shop at Costco is just as boring and dumb as actually going to Costco.

The idea here is that they'll then go back to the Pad and cook dinner for Jimmy, who shows up with a gift and some bad jokes. Having Jimmy there just highlights how fake and staged the whole show is (which more on that later). It's pointless to write anything else about this. It's stupid and nobody should watch this show anyway.

We are then transported to a farmlike setting for some kind of Group Date Farm Obstacle Course that includes collecting eggs and milking goats and catching pigs and collecting farm subsidies for land you didn't even farm and growing bioengineered nightmare crops that will eventually turn all of us into mutantlike puddles of flesh. But hey, cute goats! The Shoveling Manure stage, a wry commentary on the show as a whole, is dominated by Jillian the Barbarian, who has a black boxed ass again and apparently dresses for every event like she's posing for Hustler.

Another night, another rooftop pool. Carly, who "won" the Farmalympics, gets her close-up and WHOA GIRL WHAT THE FUCK WITH THOSE EYEBROWS.

Need to talk to your Eyebrow Artiste, because she accidentally gave you the South American Dictator or the Angry Clown instead of the Girl Next Door. Anyway, she correctly tells him "You are a man and I'm a woman" and mashes her face into him. Meanwhile, Jillian, Inmate #24557, has made Britt her bitch.

Date with Baby Voice. She likes to meet people in airports and then become Facebook friends with them. This is stalking behavior! "So nice to meet you at DFW! Hope your children BRAD and KELLY enjoy ROOSEVELT MIDDLE SCHOOL!"

ABC has gone all out on this one and staged an entire wedding they can pretend to crash. Farmer is worried they "may end up in jail" but they're white so I doubt it. They magically change into formalwear and ABC plays this whole thing like it's hostage negotiations tense but it's fake as shit. Whatever.

OH GOOD Jimmy Kimmel is back for the Cocktail Party. Except - WHAT?!? - no Cocktail Party!? It's a pool party instead? NO FUCKING WAY!!!!! Like we give a shit. Megan the Simple, however, reacts like she's been told there's no school today or she's getting free Goldfish crackers.

You know what goes good with a pool party? Plastic drinkware? Yes, but also a gut-wrenching tale of your spouse's suicide, or at least that's what Juelia or however you spell it seems to think. It's really horrible and Farmer is like "Can I get a tissue?" when his face says "Can I get a body double?" Later, Boss Bitch of the Yard Jillian has commandeered the hot tub when some other chicks interrupt. OTHER CHICKS WHO ARE GETTING SHANKED TONIGHT I MEAN.

OK, let's wrap this up. Who's in? Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Kids Having Kids, The Widow Kelsey, Britt, Megan the Simple, Carly, Krazee Ashley (MISS YOU BOO, HOPING TO SEE MORE NEXT WEEK), Again, Who The Fuck Is Nikki, Boss Bitch Jillian, and the Virgin.

We must bid farewell to Possibly Black Amber, Some Blonde Chick I Didn't Recognize, and Some Other Chick I Didn't Recognize. Next week it appears we're off to SF so hopefully it's just two hours of standing in line at Tartine.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Didn't see it. Probably will never see it. I don't like movies that glorify war unless it's World War II and the movie is "Patton," which is one of the most kick-ass movies of all time. I mean, I don't know if this movie glorifies war but probably.

“Birdman”

Didn't see it. Is this the one with Michael Keaton? He hasn't made a good movie since Beetlejuice, tbh.

“Boyhood”

Didn't see it. This is the one where Richard Linklater kept showing up at this kid's house every couple of years with "Hey, wanna do some more filming?" SO. FUCKING. SKETCHY. If you were that kid's mom, wouldn't you be like "Umm, sorry Mr. Linklater, he's busy this week." Also starring Ethan Hawke and his One Facial Expression.

“The Grand Budapest Hotel”

DID SEE IT. A couple of nights ago on HBO. Pretty good! Not as good as "Rushmore" or "The Royal Tenenbaums." Anyway I'm sure it's brilliant and everything. It's not very funny, though.

“The Imitation Game”

Didn't see it. It's the one with the British guy right?

“Selma”

Didn't see it.

“The Theory of Everything”

Wait, this is a different movie from "The Imitation Game"?

“Whiplash”

This would be a good title for a Fast & Furious movie. Like "Fast & Furious 8: Whiplash!" But I gather it's not that. It's about jazz and has the psychologist from Law & Order. NEXT.

NOTABLE OMISSIONS: Steve Carell nose movie, Did Scorsese make a movie this year?, That movie based on the book everybody liked, That movie where a white guy learned something important about himself, The Hungry Games.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Before we can get started on our dates this week there's some garbage time about how Yoga Kimberly who got kicked off last week wants to get back on and OH WHATEVER SHALL WE DO and brows are furrowed and eventually Kimberly is readmitted into the pack and the other chicks look at her like she's Al Sharpton at a Klan rally. IN ANOTHER BIT OF SHOCKING NEWS we are informed that Farmer Chris's bachleor pad is not on some distant isle but LO, JUST AT THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY. Whatever.

Group Date with some of them give me a break it's too early to learn all their names yet. The Scream of Chicks reports to what appears to be a faceless office building in LA but is actually 1010 Wilshire, "a new lifestyle solution for professionals wanting to live, work, and play" which sounds like it could be anything from a nutritional supplement to an app but is actually rental units with you guessed it a rooftop pool. Based on what I know from the Bachelor, every building in LA is equipped with a rooftop pool and a set of stemless wineglasses.
Meanwhile, back at the Female Farm, the News Producer who has apparently decided to produce herself out of bikini bottoms forcing ABC to black box her private area and Megan the Simple with her Life Helmet on have decided to burgle Chris's quarters.

We return to the Group Date where the next event, inevitably, is Bikini Tractor Racing, which I think Tara does professionally.

Periodic reminder that I love Tara. Her tagline is "Sport Fishing Enthusiast" which is code for something dirty or illegal but I haven't figured it out yet. Anyway, the producers have fixed the tractors so they can only go 3 mph to make a sad commentary on the state of the family farm.

Post tractoring C culls Kids Having Kids McKenzie or MacKenzie or whatever from the herd probably to take her for soft serve or to see Frozen. Oh wait they're going to some bar called "The Escondite" which bills itself on its website as being in "SKIDROWKYO" in case you had the idea that SF had a monopoly on repellent neighborhood monikers. Anyway, McK is a little crazy and nobody told her you don't bust out with "Do you believe in aliens" on the first date!

Solo date with Megan the Simple.

In the limo she says, no joke, "I just read the word airport" so GRAPE JOB MEGAN!!!!! You get a treat. They private jet to Vegas and then take the whirly stick machine up in the sky! SECOND ACTUAL MEGAN QUOTE: "The butterflies in my stomach are just colorful and smiling and fluttering all over the place." Jesus fucking Christ. Anyway, they chopper to the Grand Canyon where Megan reveals that her Dad just had a heart attack and got brain damage but Mom told her to go on the show anyway! C feels like "there is something here" but it's clearly not crossword puzzle answers or the ability to read a fast food menu. Megan may be sweet but she is dumber than a roomful of mutes.

ANOTHER FUCKING GROUP DATE with like 20 of them. Apparently Zombie Paintball is a thing? I don't know. It's some fake movie set and the chix all wander around shooting people who have the Worst Job in America with paintball guns.

OK, we have to talk about Brooklyn Ashley (who I mistakenly said was kicked off last week) because it's very sad. Either she ate a ton of fucking mushrooms right before this or had a mental break on camera because she spent most of the segment wandering aimlessly around the set and saying things like "Boom, go find your own way, you know, the truth" and "Are we in Mesa Verde?" Then she sat down to talk to the cat. Seriously, what the fucking fuck. Some other shit happened I guess but this conflagration of crazy kind of stole the show. YOU DO YOU BROOKLYN ASHLEY.

Let's jump to the Cocktail Party. Hopefully Ashley's cocktail is Risperdal and Thorazine. Some Other Ashley comes out as a virgin to Teen Mom who opines that "Guys like taking your virginity!" in such a disturbingly perky way that makes me think there might be more than one dude who thinks he deflowered McKenzie. Armed with this insider info Ashley the Virgin approaches C and engages in some kind of bizarre belly ring ceremony that ultimately results in them slapping their faces together like fur seals. Later, Possibly Black Amber also gets in on the face sucking which drives Drunk Jordan into a drunken drunk furor.

I'm loving all the drunks this season! Anyway, Drunk Jordan advances on C and starts yelling nonsensically at him like they're in a college sports bar and Guns N Roses is blasting. She is literally just stringing random words together. LOVE YA JORD.

As much as I long to see Ashley get dosed again, my heart is heavy, for C has excused Team Highball! Oh man, no, no, NOT TARA!!!! You did not just cut Tara. Fuck you, Chris. We're losing Tara AND Jordan? Me and Don Julio both weep for our bleak future.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Why do I do this to myself. Why do I click on a Debra J. Saunders column knowing - KNOWING - that the stupid will come tumbling out like a ruptured dog shit bag. Why. Why.

Let's start, as we must, with a Debra J. Saunders patented NO RELATION TO THE TRUTH OR ANYTHING ACCURATE HEADLINE:

Obamacare czar: don’t get annual physical

The problem with this inanity, of course, is that there is no "Obamacare czar" and even if there was, it would not be Dr. Ezekiel J. Emanuel, who doesn't even work for the federal government. At one point in time, he was a health care adviser to the president, but that doesn't make him an "Obamacare czar" any more than once flying coach on United makes Debra J. Saunders a fighter pilot.

Here's how this vapid piece of semi-literate garbage begins:

This opinion piece kills me. Ezekiel J. Emanuel, brother of Rahm, is a former senior health care adviser to President Obama. Now he writes a piece in The New York Times telling people to skip their annual physical. It says, “Most think of it as the human equivalent of a 15,000-mile checkup and fluid change, which can uncover hidden problems and ensure longer engine life.”

“There is only one problem: From a health perspective, the annual physical exam is basically worthless.”

Debra's belief that an op-ed can kill her is roughly consistent with her level of intellect and understanding of Emanuel's column. Anyway, if you read the actual column, it's based on a study of 182,000 people over 9 years that found that annual checkups "are unlikely to be beneficial."

Big fucking deal. So don't get an annual physical if you feel fine, right? NOPE. In the fevered imagination of Debra J. Saunders, this the #Benghazi of health care.

Remember the 2008 sales pitch about how universal health care would mean regular doctor visits that would keep people healthier and hence out of the pricey emergency room? That’s how Obamacare would cover more people without driving up costs — that was the con-job argument anyway. In that spirit, the Affordable Care Act considers the annual physical to be an “essential benefit” for which there is no co-payment.

Oh God, Debra J. Saunders. I hope this is an act because if you're actually this stupid I fear for your safety when handling scissors or alighting upon a curb. If there is something wrong with you, it is demonstrably true that a doctor's office visit is cheaper than going to the emergency room. And perhaps some people - like those with chronic health problems - need annual physicals. What the Emanuel op-ed says that if you're otherwise healthy, studies show that an annual physical is unlikely to confer health benefits. Why is that so hard to understand?

And finally, Debra J. Saunders, Dr. Emanuel is not empowered to control how often anyone sees the doctor, so if you want to have 14 physicals a year, and you can find a doctor as equally stupid as you, go for it.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Via Burrito Justice, I have learned that the North American Vexillogical Association, which is an organization devoted to flags and not to bothering people, as you might imagine, did a survey of city flags in 2004 and published the "winners." (I'm not linking to the survey directly because when I clicked on it my computer's virus protection FREAKED OUT and so the NAVA may have some evil computer infiltrating motive I'm not aware of. Anyway.)

Most of them are depressingly similar. A couple of stars, some color swatches, maybe a banner, a dude on a horse or in a boat, let's call it a day. Some are worth looking at, though.

#1 was Washington DC.

YAWN. Whatever. It's got some bars, it's got some stars, it's got one color, red. It would make a passable airline logo. Best city flag? Not even

#2 was Chicago. It's another bore, but at least it has some blue. #3 was Denver.

Flag, or logo of the Mid-Mountain Mining and Materials Corp.? You decide.

St. Louis, at #5, I kinda like, because it looks like it was designed by a drunk:

WHOA DUDE. STOP WIGGLING. Gotta admit, it's got some flava.

Colorado Springs, at #19, is....interesting.

That is some straight-up Yellow King shit right there. Or maybe they're going for an African mask-kinda vibe?

I like it!

#23 St. Petersburg FL features a logo from an Op shirt I had in the later 80s:

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

One circle of Hell probably looks like a featureless, sunbaked street in Los Angeles County where a semiautonomous organism waves a "I [heart" Chris" sign that someone has handed her because that's where we're starting out this season. HI EVERYONE I'M WATCHING THE BACHELOR AGAIN because I have so much love to give. Apparently the first hour of the show is going to feature helicopterloads of prior contestants in some kind of faux Academy Awards red carpet show except with disease vectors instead of actors and lowered expectations instead of statuettes.

LET'S MEET OUR BACHELOR whom Chris Harrison gaggingly refers to as "Prince Farming" when Field of Screams or Plower Bouquet or Bodily Farm was available. Chris the Farm Man is proud to "feed the world" which means putting high fructose corn syrup into M&Ms. He wants what his parents and sisters have, which appears to be livestock with numbered tags in their ears. Since he has exhausted the romantic possibilities in Arlington Iowa, he feels that "this is the best way to find love," which means he has never heard of FarmersOnly.com. Chris dons a comically oversized motorcycle helmet and heads west to meet some emtpyheaded hair product support systems.

Back at the Oscars of Desperation, Chris Harrison is doing red carpet interviews with people I have only a vague memory of, while in the background cavort others we longed to forget like Droopy Face and Too Much Product and Who the Fuck Is She Again.

Let's bounce and meet some chicks. Britt is a waitress in Hollywood and looks like an Olsen twin on a crash diet in a concentration camp. There is a not zero chance she's done coke with James Woods. Amanda is a ballet instructor with Keane painting eyes and a legitimately krazee vibe. Whitney is a "fertility nurse" who has found the perfect job for someone with the voice of a toddler. She longs to be fertilized as well! Kelsey is an exotic-looking widow in Austin whose husband's heart just stopped one day! If he was walking in Austin anytime between May and September I can understand.

Cut to the Red Carpet where there is a Nixon-Frost length interview with Nikki about Juan Pablo and her life and anything else in the entire universe. Gotta put something in between yogurt commercials, I guess.

After an hour of bullshit and the Nikki Documentary, we're finally ready to get started. Following establishing shots of Chris trying on clothes for the first time ever and gettin his visage fixed with the pitcher machine, we're ready to start unloading the Cattle Cars. Out pops Britt who latches onto C like he's a kidney donor and she can't process waste. The Widow Kelsey claims to be "just a regular girl" but she's on this show so I'm not 100% sure about that. I was starting to think we were going to largely avoid Gimmick Intros when Human Tissue Salesgirl Reegan arrives with a biohazard container full of what she says is a human heart but is probably just human lungs or a spleen. Lame.

THEN THERE'S TARA. I kinda love Tara. She hops out in a Sexy Farmgirl Halloween costume with cowboy boots and Daisy Dukes and proceeds straight to the bar and orders a Jameson. SWOON. Then for some reason she changes into a cocktail dress and gets out of the limo again? Not sure why, but we get to see her killer White Trash Tatt:

It's kind of hard to read but I think it says either "LOVE IS PEE * BRIDE OF RESIN" or "FINE BY ME * WHISKEY & GINGER."

More chicks. Amanda takes her bipolar and goes flying by. Hairstylist Ashley says she's 24 but maybe means she's been a hairstylist for 24 years? I know Kaitlyn With a K is probably getting all the press for telling C "You can plow the fuck out of my field any day" but that's the Space Pants of farmer pickup lines. So played.

The ladies are at Cuban Missile Crisis levels of concern because THERE ARE ONLY 15 OF THEM. No one can process this world-shatteringly bizarre turn of events. OH WAIT IT'S CATTLE CAR ROUND 2. The First 15, now in various stages of intoxication, peer from behind the blinds as Wedding Cake Decorator and Tandra on the Motorcycle and Nicole Who Is Wearing a Pig Nose Not As a Statement on Society But For Other Inscrutable Reasons arrive. Karas and Jades and various other dubiously-employed lifeforms emerge. There are 30 women now! Or as DiCaprio calls it, Tuesday.

FINALLY, we are at the Cocktail Party, i.e. Lord of the Flies Sponsored by Sephora. C passes haplessly from Plus Size Model to Fourth Grade Teacher like a speed dating tetherball. My two fave drunks are Ashley from Brooklyn (not that Brooklyn, though - no full sleeves or dumb hat or boring anecdote about her solo show) and of course Tara, who winningly says she "cares for that kid," hopefully meaning C and not an actual child because Tara should not involved in any child care scenario. Human Teeth Whitener Britt gets the First Impression Rose, raising the combined IQ of her and the plant to 80. JUMP CUT back to the Live Show where Famous Loser Michelle Money meows "I heard she doesn't shower" about Britt. What the fuck Michelle.

ROSE CEREMONY. God, they better not do these fucking 3 hour shows every time. I'm barely keeping track at this point. Who's staying? Kaitlyn, Jade, Poor Man's Mischa Barton With Black Hair, The Widow Kelsey, Megan the Simple. Meanwhile Drunk Tara is hanging on like Just Standing There is a roadside DUI test. It's touch and go about whether she's gonna end up on the floor before this is over but YAY she gets a rose. Sadly, Ashley from Brooklyn does not. There are other roses given and withheld.

Meanwhile, Tara has confused her rose for Domino's and is going house on it.

My only wish for this season is a long run for Tara and a high enough Jameson budget to make it worthwhile. *winks* Love ya girl.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I went to school for sports broadcast news but now I sell cadaver tissue." Has there ever been a better metaphor for life?

Friday, January 2, 2015

HOLY SHIT ARE YOU IN THE OFFICE TOO of course you are. Why would you be reading this on your own time? I can't believe we have to be at work. Fuck.

Anyway, it's a brand new year and that means everyone has decided to exercise for the first time. You could do normal things like that fake bicycle ride in the gym or running on a treadmill or lifting a heavy piece of furniture up and down but what's the fun in that? There is no fun in that.

Based on my observations, people exercising outside have collectively decided to just go "FUCK IT I'M DOING WHAT I WANT FUCK YOU WORLD." This very morning, driving through San Francisco's Golden Gate Park on my way to drop off my offspring at daycare, I personally and with me own eyes observed the following:

- One gentleman walking quickly/almost jogging in the bike lane, swinging his right arm back and forth in a wide arc as if to ward off a cloud of invisible flies that were surrounding and troubling him, or maybe pretending his arm was a single windshield wiper and his body was a car driving through a terrific rainstorm

- A lady fast-walking and rhythmically tapping herself on the head with BOTH HANDS, elbows at ear level, as if she was playing a simple drumbeat on the bongo that is her very own skull

- An otherwise normal-appearing jogger with those neon shoes everyone likes now, also running in the bike lane at a very high rate of speed and through an intersection against a red light as a bus bore down on him, making me believe I was about to see what literally "getting hit by a bus" looks like and wondering (not totally unreasonably) if this was going to make me late for work because I would have to give a statement to investigators while they placed pieces of the jogger and his ugly shoes into a bag

Google Image Search result for "weird exercise." YEP YEP YEP.

In fact, the Running in the Street thing (which is actually mostly Running in the Bike Lane) has become so prevalent that I see it on the reg now. What's up with that? Isn't there a perfectly good sidewalk for that? Is it revenge for bicyclists biking on the sidewalk?

One time I was driving AT NIGHT on a street with no bike lane and this girl was jogging in the street alongside all the parked cars WEARING BLACK. Either she had an exercise-related death wish or she was a terrible cat burglar making the world's worst escape from the scene of her latest cat burglary. Either way, I can't imagine she's still alive.

About Me

TK lives and works in San Francisco. He occasionally travels to places east of the Caldecott Tunnel, but not very often. His interests include bars, reality TV, and irony. Things seem to be going fine.