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Sunday, June 6, 2010

Aliens filming Star Wars remake in Bolingbrook

Inside Tailgaters, a man wearing a black vest starts to get up from his table. A short man with green spiked hair walks up to him, hands in his jacket pocket. He tells the first man to sit down.

They sit down at the table. The first man say he’ll have the money.

“It’s too late for that.” Says the second man. “There’s a very high price on your head.”

The men talk for a few more seconds.

The second man glances at another table. “Maybe we should collect the bounty right now.”

A flash of light appears under the table. The second man slumps over. The first leaps out of his chair, knocking over his table. He pulls out two blasters, and starts shooting at the occupants of the other table. They fall over before they can pull out their blasters.

The first man hands the waitress some dollars.

“Sorry for the mess.” He says as he walks away.

“Cut!” Someone yells.

Everyone stands up, and onlookers applaud.

This reporter witnessed the first scene of the interstellar remake of the Star Wars saga. Director Anotywi Carrtim said he will be filming in Bolingbrook for the next six months.

“Thanks to recent advances in cloaking technology, and quantum generated graphics, I can finally give the Star Wars saga the justice it deserves!”

Carrtim grew up watching the first three Star Wars movies. Like many children around the Milky Way, the films inspired him to become a fan of science fiction.

“Sure the special effects were laughable, and I’ve seen more expressions on a Jovian Cloud ball, but it had light sabers!”

Also like many adults around the Milky Way, Carrtim was, to put it mildly, appalled by the prequels. Unlike many fans, Cartim decided to do something about it.

“Fortunately, my last film, 'How to adjust your antigravity generator,’ was the most popular instructional movie in the galaxy. That gave me the clout to propose my remake of the entire Star Wars series. That, and the fact that no other director wanted to touch a Star Wars remake.”

According to Carrtim, Bolingbrook will be the stand in for Mos Eisley.

“Bolingbrook has that spread out feel of Mos Eisley.” Said Carrtim. All we have to do is change the green to brown, and add some backdrops, and it’s perfect! Plus it’s close to a major UFO base. We’ll do some filming at Area 51, but its cheaper to film the Eisley scenes in Bolingbrook.”

Thanks to cloaking technology, most residents won’t notice the filming. The actors will appear as humans, though their behavior will appear to be odd.

Lisa, who asked we not use her last name, says she might be an extra one of the films.

“I was hanging out at Hidden Lakes when I saw this guy strutting towards these two people in bathrobes. The strutting guy said, ‘Me za Jar Jar Binks!’ One of robed guys pointed a fishing pole at Jar Jar. Jar Jar screamed and dove into the water. If they kill off Jar Jar in this movie, I hope I get abducted so I can see it!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar said that more interstellar movies will be filmed in the area.

“It’s a win-win for us.” Said Claar. “The film makers can use our great village to tell their their stories. Our friendly residents get employed as extras, and the movies attract tourists to Bolingbrook! Do you know how many tourists a day approach me to ask for directions to the archery range?”

Claar added. “I was asked to perform a bit part as Dabba the Hutt. I asked my daughter if that was a good idea. She said she never heard of Dabba, but that Hutts were criminal aliens. That really (Expletives Deleted). I would have told that director off, but we really need his business. So I just told him that I'm too busy for cameos.”

While Bolingbrook needs the jobs, Claar says he has standards.

“I refused to give some aliens permission to film their Stacy Peterson comedy in Bolingbrook. The only good thing about the experience is that I got to practice the speech I’m going to give to Lifetime’s movie producers!”

Carrtim wouldn’t reveal all the details. He did say that he was trashing the plots of the prequels, and promised no Ewoks in “Return of the Jedi.” He also isn’t worried about facing the wrath of George Lucas.

“He still doesn’t know that he signed away the interstellar remake rights. By the time the movies are released on Earth, he’ll be long dead, and Earth's Star Wars fans will finally get the prequels they deserve!”

The first film, “Return of the Sith” will be released in 2014 to the rest of the Milky Way. Carrtim will then release a Star Wars film every year until 2019.

Also in The Babbler:

Wooters invade Chicago!

Lucifer spotted at Kuma’s Corner

Podcaster fails to deliver record setting insult against U of C student

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