Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Sorry for the interruption

As a wise man named Eddie Vedder once said, I’m still alive. Hey yeah., Oh. Oh. I’m still alive.

So who missed me?

Mom?

Dad?

God? Are you there God, it’s me Shithead?

Damn Well, if there is anyone out there, I do apologize for my extended leave of absence. But I have returned because this pathetic slut known as Asshat Hollywood needed a good, hard pity fuck really bad and wouldn’t stop sexting me.

Sometimes you just get in a funk, you know?

So I was trying to figure out just why I’ve had no urge to keep up with the going-ons of the attention whores of the world and the answer came to me in a vision of hair extensions attached to a hollow head standing next to a living, breathing douche the other night while watching “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.” See, it’s because lately, the only attention whores in the news aren’t even real stars. I know it’s been heading this way for a while, but now they are the large majority. “They” being these people that are really hard to give a real shit about one way or the other, let alone devote time and energy to make fun of. And most of the time, these dumbasses do enough stupid shit on their own that you don’t need to bother anyway. I mean, look at all the news in the past 48 hours surrounding Heidi and Spencer – “Did they really quit the show? Will they come back again? Are they really being replaced? By who? Heidi’s sister? Wait, Heidi’s SISTER? Who? Why?” Who gives a shit about these twats?

And then of course we have the Jon and Kate saga every fucking second for the past few hundred months. It’s headline news. There’s something really wrong with that. Who the hell are these idiots? They actually had a special report on their marriage problems on E! a few weeks ago. Before all this foolishness, I remember seeing Kate once, (once!) on some show about multiple births and I only remember it because she had this big nasty stomach with saran wrap over it and it made me gag and change the channel and then I was really happy because Empire Records was on FUSE and I love that movie (“Stop calling me Warren!”) Now you can’t change the channel (or go online or to the grocery store) without seeing headlines about John and Kate and that thing on her head. Who gives a shit about these morons?! Is anyone even taking care of those children? She’s making Octomom look normal. And there’s another one. And so it goes and goes and goes.

It’s so sad that nowadays anybody can become a celebrity. I miss the days when a person actually had to have talent and star quality and work their ass off or at least sleep their way to the top to become famous. Because lazy, talentless assholes like me respect people like that. But now, you don’t have to be or do any of those things anymore. All you have to do is:

A) Go on a reality showB) Be related to someone famous, someone that was on a reality show, or someone really richC) Take fertility drugs and have a bunch of babies at onceD) Any combination of the above

I guess that’s actually good news for us lazy, talentless assholes of the world because that means that we too can become famous. We all can! But that presents a problem. This conundrum is best explained in the cinematic classic, To Die For, when at the end after Nicole Kidman gets whacked (speaking of, her face never seemed to recover from being frozen in that lake) Lydia epilogues: “Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America unless you're on TV... 'cause what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if there's nobody watching? So when people are watching, it makes you a better person. So if everybody was on TV all the time, everybody would be better people. But, if everybody was on TV all the time, there wouldn't be anybody left to watch, and that's where I get confused." We’re almost there, Lydia, we’re almost there.

Contestants on “The Bachelor”Are called celebritiesAnd Kim Kardashian’s sistersGot their own show on E!

I really don’t understand just howYour face is on my TV nowWhen did you to prove to meYour relevancy?Who in…the fuck…are you?

I can’t resist the urge to shove pencils in my eyesEvery time I see coverage of one of Jon and Kate’s fightsI don’t care about their issuesOr who is screwing whoBut what poor rodent had to die for that wack hairdo?

Somebody tell me how we allowThese twits to turn into cash cowsI have a college degreeBut the Pratts make more than meWho in…the fuck….are you?

Hey you’re not off the hook, yeah you: Susan BoyleI really don’t care who kissed you, or if you dyed your fro

Oh yeah I did

Cuz all I can say is “fucking wow”At all the shit that’s popular nowGoddamn realityBrooke Hogan, get off my TV!Who in …the fuck….are you?