(Closed) Need some emotional support, please.

I am coming here to vent and seek advice about an issue that I don’t feel comfortable bringing up with family and friends as I don’t want it to affect their opinion of my Fiance and I want to respect his privacy on this matter – at least I’m anonymous on this forum. I also ask, out of the bottom of my heart from someone who is really having a hard time right now, to please, just because you don’t necessarily agree with my views blast me on this post. I really can’t cope with it right now.

I’ve been married before. It was an awful marriage in which my now ex-husband had a severe gambling and porn addiction (we did not live together prior to getting married and these things were all things I was unaware of until we were already married – he kept things very well hidden.) On top of that, near the end he became verbally and physically abusive to me, at one point beating me up so badly that I was in the hospital for an extended period of time for internal bleeding as well as a broken arm. After that, I left him and took 2+ years off from all dating, etc. I worked on ME. I re-developed my faith in God and found a church where there isn’t judgment about your past, though they preach about how to live the kind of life we’re called to live as Christians, just because you mess up occasionally doesn’t bar you from being a member or loved by God or the church – as I had experienced in my past religious experiences. No one’s perfect, and no one is entitled to judge but God.

When I felt ready to date I had gone through Divorce Care at my church as well as extreme counseling for the issues with my ex-husband. I developed a list of my fundamental values in a relationship and vowed to only date people who shared those values. Without going in to too much detail, my childhood wasn’t a cakewalk, lots of abuse, neglect, and even sexual molestation by a YOUNG family member who had seen pornography while sneaking into his father’s room and tried to recreate that with ME. At 4 years old. This continued until I was 6.

Due to my religious beliefs and past experiences, my core values were simple: find a man who loves God, is actively involved with church or at least a relationship with God, doesn’t commit adultery (I believe porn falls into this category too) and is not abusive.

Before beginning to date my now Fiance, I explained all of this to him. I was incredibly open about my past as I didn’t want to start off on a dishonest foot and I wanted to ensure we were on the same page. I fell for him so hard. Someone who didn’t believe in pre-marital sex agreed that adultery and abuse were grounds for divorce – and also agreed that pornography is sugar coated adultery. This was a big one for me since I will not compromise on this one, and though my church preaches this as well, I know that not everyone agrees – and that’s fine. I’m not here to judge, I’m here to share my story and my feelings.

We got engaged this summer and very recently, when having a conversation, I asked him a point blank question and from that point forward it came out that he had been actively looking at pornography for the last year and a half. What bothers me most about this situation isn’t even the porn (though it DOES bother me) it hurts me to my core that for an entire year and a half, during multiple talks about the future and our values, be blatantly lied to my face about what he had been doing.

I’ve never had a safe relationship in my life. My Fiance was the first person I totally trusted and this whole thing truly blindsided me. I don’t know if I can trust him again.

Currently he’s seeking help. In the scheme of things, his “addiction” is on the lower end of the spectrum. It’s not “that” bad. He was looking at images, not movies, and never paid for anything, mainly it was images as well as watching very suggestive television shows and relieving himself through that.

We’re supposed to get married in September and I don’t even feel ready to be engaged at this point. I haven’t been wearing my ring. The proposal feels tainted to me because he’s been lying this whole time. Like I said he realizes this is an issue, he realizes if he receives another chance and becomes a repeat offender I will leave, he’s been reading books about this, talking to Pastors, etc. But I just don’t know if that trust can ever be repaired. I’m back to taking anti-anxiety meds to get through the day and feeling sad. This should be a happy time. I time of wedding planning, being in love, and being excited for the next chapter. Instead I find myself gritting my teeth talking to vendors that we’ve already put deposits on because in my mind I know I don’t call myself “engaged” right now and I don’t even know if marriage in September is feasible.

I don’t know what to do. I know a lot of you won’t see my point of view on this and that’s ok. I just need some care and support, please. I just need opinions on whether or not trust can be restored. Whether or not it’s possible to restore trust prior to our wedding date. Whether I’ll resent him later for this period of time not being “fun love planning time” because I don’t even know what I want. I know a lot of you don’t know these answers because you’re not IN my relationship, but I just need something.

Additional information – he’s going on a 2 month business trip in about a month and a half and frequently takes business trips. He was recently on one after this happened and not only didn’t bring his laptop, but also had the hotel remove the television from his room. I know he’s trying, but again, it’s so much more about the trust than this.

I am sorry you have to deal with more pain and distrust. Finding a man that doesn’t look at what you consider porn is going to be nearly impossible. Step back and get some counseling on the matter before getting married. Maybe speak with a younger, more progressive religious counselor.

I disagree entirely with your thought process BUT, that’s not the topic of discussion. You said it: adultry is reason to leave. He has committed in it despite your views and objections being clearly stated. I think you need to stick to your guns, and leave.

(((HUGS))) What about the counselor you talked to before you stated dating again? Maybe you can sit down with them and hash this all out. I’m so sorry, it sounds like you got your feet knocked out from under you.

@FitBee: I also wanted to say … it’s not like you just woke up this morning with this .. porn is adultry thing…. you’ve outlined your feelings and like you said in your post… that’s the way you feel. I don’t think you need counseling for that… I think you need to talk to someone to help you figure out all your feelings on what is going on in your relationship and maybe he does too.

My Fiance and I have both been working on chastity, and what we found is that doing it together helps immensely. We decided to be open and honest about what was going on at all points so that we could lean on one another when it got tough. Before, when we stumbled we would just keep it to ourselves, but that perpetuated a cycle of more stumbles!

We decided to get it all out in the open. We call one another when we’re feeling tempted and fess up when we fail. It’s made what used to be pretty much impossible, possible.

This is a tough nut to crack. And, just so you know that it isn’t uncommon, my Fiance and I struggled with this exact same thing, except it was both of us. We both intellectually agreed that porn was wrong and detrimental to our relationship and we agreed not to use it pretty much right when we started dating, but both of us still struggled with it until we brought it out into the open. It’s much better now.

Trust is essential to any relationship, and it seems even more paramount to your relationship given your past. While I think trust can be rebuilt, it does in fact take time and hard work. Do you want to go through with that? Only you can decide. For me, I know i could not recover from cheating because the trust would be broken far beyond repair. Everyone has their different limits on where the line of no return is.

Porn seems like it was one of your non-negotiables, a dealbreaker on your list. I want to tell you to stick to your values and have the strength to leave. The other part of me knows this is hard to do when you’re this far invested, and also because I do not hold the same views of porn as you do. It’s such a tough call. Take your time and think it through. Make a list of pros/cons if it helps. Also, now is a great time to try and objectively evaluate the relationship and your list of “must haves” and “dealbreakers’ in a relationship – is he still meeting all of them except this one thing?

I wish you the best of luck with this situation and hope you can find answers, peace, strength and happiness.

I don’t feel that way, and this is the general message my church preaches – and there are over 5,000 members at my church. All very young. We’re a very new-age Christian church. Like I said, I don’t expect you to understand my beliefs and that’s ok, but I can tell you there is a church full of men who YES, may have struggled with these kinds of things in the past, and YES perhaps some of them still do, but commiting to only having eyes for your spouse is acheivable and many men do it. It’s ok to have different views and I appreciate you responding to me.

This is exactly how I felt at first. When I began to have second thoughts is when he truly wasn’t viewing these things as porn. He wasn’t visiting porn sites or looking at magazines. He watched suggestive films like Californication and was turned on, and occasionally the Chive.com would have pictures of women mixed in to their funny pictures section. When this all came out in the open, he told me, in his mind, he excused it because at the time, he truly didn’t believe it was porn. And now he does. This is why I’m at a crossroads.

Then you have plenty to pick from when you leave your cheating adulterous fiance because what you have described equals cheating in your heart and based on your history you are unlikely to ever trust him.

Ugh I’m sorry I didn’t reply to this in the last post. THANK YOU, for saying this. This is what I was trying to express as what I said is that I really need support and refuse to air our dirty laundry to friends and family. Exactly as you said, we went into this relationship and engagement knowing I had these values based on my beliefs as a Christian and my expectations. Thank you.

You may not like my response but, I really think you need to try to open your mind a little and consider his needs. He shouldn’t have lied but the truth of the matter is, MOST men look at porn. He probably wanted to please you and lied in an effort to cover it up (probably because he cares about you a lot and wanted to be with you!). On the list of sexual needs, porn seems like a fairly innocent one in my book. Even if he says he’s “getting help”, not being on the same page about sex is always going to cause problems IMO. Its not fair for one person to have something they desire and not be allowed to do it for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t make either of you bad people, its just not compatible. So unless you can’t compromise on this issue, I don’t think its fair to say he can never do it.

Hoping you work everything out. Try to use this as an opportunity to be vocal about eachother’s needs and create an environment that allows for honesty, real honesty, including being able to vocalize sexual needs and desires.