Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The NEW YORKER has a contest where readers are invited to submit captions to cartoons. I’ve entered this several times, have never been chosen as a finalist and usually think the captions they do select are as lame as Bazooka Bubblegum comics.

But it gave me an idea.

As a grand experiment, I thought today I would institute a comedy writers’ punch line contest. Except I have nothing to give away and therefore don’t want to pick a winner. But I will offer some feedback to the entries.

This could either be a lot of fun or a colossal bust. Submit your entries in the comments section.

And just to make it more interesting, I’ll give you essentially the same set up for four different style shows. It’s not just writing jokes, it’s about tailoring to the characters and style of the show. Do as many or few of the shows as you want.

EARL: Raylene, it's good to see you, but if you didn't get your braces off yet, I gotta pass.

CURB: Hi. Charlie Sheen's place is actually two doors down. Both Mediterraneans, though. Understandable mistake - happens all the time. (as she starts to get up) You know what? Why don't you take the sheets with you? They're Italian. Very soft. (beat) And the pillowcases. (beat) And the pillows.

KING: Is my wife under the covers with you oh dear God please say yes.

FAMILY: This reminds me of the time Richard Gere paid me a thousand dollars to spend the weekend with him in a fancy hotel suite. cut to:Richard Gere and Peter (dressed as Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman") in the lobby of the Regent Beverly Wilshire. Richard opens a jewelry box. Peter reaches in delicately to take the necklace. Richard snaps the box closed on his hand. But instead of laughing adorably like Julia did... PETER: "Ow! What the hell? You son of a bitch, that hurt!" RICHARD: "I'm sorry. I... I thought it would be cute. PETER: "Well, it was not, Richard. It was not."

Okay, let's give this a try. Larry: "Hey. How are you? That's great. Listen, there's clearly been a huge, monumental, terrible mistake here. Would that I could accept your hospitality, but I heard about the Paris Hilton video, and I'm getting that Rick Salomon vibe here all over again. Not sure the world is ready for an unexpurgated One Night With Larry video just yet. I'm going to have ask you to leave."

KING OF QUEENSDoug enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Doug says: “You’re not the maid Carrie hired, are you?” (steps out, beat, steps back in) “Because that outfit really threw me for a second there.”

FAMILY GUY(I’m adding to the set-up. Just before this scenario, Peter said, “This reminds me of that time I found a hooker in my bed.”)

Peter enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Peter says: “For the last time: No Cybill Shepard! I cannot get you another show on TV. No one has that kind of power. Not even Superman.” (cut to another flashback)

Man, Julie's was spot on. I was only going to do Family Guy since it's the only show I watch regularly enough. The nice thing about Family Guy is that there are so many ways you could go with a setup like that. The way I would play it is...

Peter enters the room to find a hooker in his bed. He stops and stares blankly at her for a moment. Then another.

PETER: Not tonight, Lois, I have a headache.

He turns off the light and we hear him climb into bed next to the hooker.

Dammit, Ken. I've got a whole scene in my head now. But luckily for you, you just asked for punchlines so that punchline (which is really part of another setup) is all that I'm writing.

Thanks for the kind words, you guys. As one of the many, many sitcom writers in L.A. out of a job this year (for the first time in eight years in my case), it's nice to know someone out there still thinks I can write! You really made my day.

Larry says: Somewhere this has gone horribly wrong. All the hookers in Los Angeles and I get the one with the penis. And would it have killed you to shave? This is a disaster.

VERSION THREE: KING OF QUEENS

Doug says: This is either the best birthday present ever, or I need to stop eating furry cheese.

VERSION FOUR: FAMILY GUY

Peter (talking into phone):Hey Jesus, it’s Peter, listen, you are NOT going to believe who’s in my bed…a hooker! Anyways Jesus, could I borrow your shovel?...uh huh...uh huh.....uh huh…say that again?...Oh, “is she dead?” thought you said something else there, wow...(Looks over the hooker who is not dead) That's a “no,” not dead...really? That's what you would do?...Me? I had a totally different call on this one. (Peter hangs up the phone, turns to the hooker and in a very business like manner says) Ma'am I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Alright here's mine. I just want to let you know that yeah, I'm Jewish and I'm probably going to hell after this joke. And we Jews don't even believe in hell. So, let me just apologize in advance.

FAMILY GUY:PETER walks into his bedroom to see a hooker in bed with LOIS. PETER: Holy crap! This is almost as awkward as the time I went on a soul searching camping trip to Auschwitz!CUT TO: INT. INCINERATOR ROOMPETER roasts sausages in the furnice when two elderly Jews enter and gawk. PETER: Oh hi. I was wondering if you can help me out. I think there's something wrong with the showers in this place. I don't know maybe someone didn't pay the water bill this month cause there's...there's nothing coming out. I mean really what kind of camp are these people running over here?

Earl (V.O.): Number one-forty-seven: told the only girl who ever had a crush on me that she was a dirty whore.

Larry: That reminds me -- what did the hooker give the Jew to make him climax? A receipt.

Doug: Fifty's a little steep. How much to wear this oven mitt and whisper "baked ziti."

Peter: (on the phone) Hey Quagmire, it's Peter. What's that? I can barely hear you. Satellite phone -- where are you? Tibet? What the hell are you doing in Tibet? Really? More ass than a toilet seat? Wow. Good for you. Me? Oh nothing, just thought I'd call and say hi. So…hi (laughs). Anyway, give me a call when you get back into town…okay…see you later. Oh Quagmire, wait. I almost forgot, you're not going to believe this: there's a hook-- (knock on the door)

About KEN LEVINE

Named one of the BEST 25 BLOGS OF 2011 by TIME Magazine. Ken Levine is an Emmy winning writer/director/producer/major league baseball announcer. In a career that has spanned over 30 years Ken has worked on MASH, CHEERS, FRASIER, THE SIMPSONS, WINGS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, BECKER, DHARMA & GREG, and has co-created his own series including ALMOST PERFECT starring Nancy Travis. He and his partner wrote the feature VOLUNTEERS. Ken has also been the radio/TV play-by-play voice of the Baltimore Orioles, Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres. and has hosted Dodger Talk on the Dodger Radio Network.

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