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I think this exchange goes on too long - you really only need the last line of dialogue from Shayma as she looks at the cash.

OVERALL

On page 7 where the COAST GUARD shines a light on Esam - I think Coast Guard is too benevolent and non-descript - I would make it a Syrian Military Patrol Boat.

THE ENDING

One logic question - I was confused by Nasim saying it was his family - thought it was Esam's family. Did I miss something?

I found the ending way over the top and the dialogue far too preachy and unneeded. As if you want the reporter to tell the entire theme of the story and cram it down the audience's throat. You have once desperate dead women and children on a boat. A grief stricken father that had to make the ultimate Sophie's choice. All of the horrors of war and the refugees. You don't need to add a lecture from the reporter. It is already there.

I also did not understand why Nisam rather than Karam survived - in the prior scene it was Karam taking the last precious drink of water.

I found Sophia's speech at the end as over the top - the message is already in your story, you don't need a speech from her. You don't need the rag doll in the camera - you have dead women and children - that is enough.

A suggested twist:

Karam is the smuggler. Maybe at sea he and the little girl are the only ones left conscious. Karam, rather than saving himself gives the last of the water to the little girl. Maybe he even stuffs the money into her pocket. When they are found she is the only one alive, one arm around her doll and one arm around her dead brother. It would provide a sense of nobility at sea. Just a thought.

I think it's definitely worthwhile to create alternate versions of this short that twist things around, rather than applying the logic which would normally appear in the feature.

Like the reason Nasim claimed the family was his when they are esam's. he was just hyping himself up for the cameras. It comes back to him later in the script when Esam confronts him on the subject. Most shorts do have twists, and there's no reason to keep things exacty the same.

As for Sofia's speech, what's hyped in the feature that isn't explained in the slightest here, is that Sofia is purposefully using the event to shift public opinion to allow for the creation of her controversial city of refugees. So her over the top speech is done consciously with prior motivation.

I do plan on running a gambit of edits on the feature, so I'll be sure to catalog your notes for future changes to the draft.

The short's actually just a little edit of the first 10 pages from a completed script I wrote called Refugee City

Well, that changes everything

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I think it's definitely worthwhile to create alternate versions of this short that twist things around, rather than applying the logic which would normally appear in the feature.

Not sure I concur. A short has a definite beginning, middle and ending. This seems to be more of a work in progress effort.

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Like the reason Nasim claimed the family was his when they are esam's. he was just hyping himself up for the cameras. It comes back to him later in the script when Esam confronts him on the subject. Most shorts do have twists, and there's no reason to keep things exacty the same.

That makes sense - actually a good plot point for a feature.

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As for Sofia's speech, what's hyped in the feature that isn't explained in the slightest here, is that Sofia is purposefully using the event to shift public opinion to allow for the creation of her controversial city of refugees. So her over the top speech is done consciously with prior motivation.

Again, in terms of a feature that makes perfect sense one you have the context.

Gregory,I like the narrative...I'm very familiar with the issue. However, I have a question...Did you indicate the language they are speaking? Maybe you did and I missed it...I assume they don't speak English (Arabic with English subtitles)? As Eldave 1 has indicated, you need to polish the script. Also, as a short, it's expensive to produce. Good luck with the feature.My best,Fausto

In an early draft the distinction was made, but i took out all references to language in the finalized draft.

Even though it could be useful and descriptive, and some drama could be milked from it at different points, i chose to cut language entirely?

Why? A few reasons. First as a spec, by deleting parentheticals or extra prose it saves space. Its also ultimately unnecessary. Look at larry fergusons draft of the hunt for red october. Theres no indication or reference to them speaking russian vs english. Its something better left up to the director. For the sake of selling a script it isnt important.

For shorts i think it couod be more valuable. But in a feature i think ota wiser to ignore language unless absolutely necessary for plot.

As a short this isnt really meant to be filmed by itself. Its just like a short highlight screenplaywise meant to bring attention to the feature.

Gregory, I see your point and of course you are the writer....for me, when I write in different languages, if for example, the dialogue is in Spanish, I include a line saying "the dialogue is in Spanish with subtitles" and then I write all the dialogue in English...and I repeat the same "formula" for other languages...the director wants to know what kind of language(s) the people are using. When the dialogue is all in English, I write a line saying "the dialogue is in English (or something like it). This is my personal opinion.My best,Fausto