Insane Alaskan Senator Thinks That Women Should Have To Take Pregnancy Tests Before Drinking In Bars

State Senator Pete Kelly (R) of Alaska has an awesome plan to eradicate fetal alcohol syndrome. Just make high-falutin’ ladies who want to drink alcohol take a pregnancy test first! His plan is to make pregnancy tests — not condoms — available in bars and restaurants so stupid women who don’t understand their bodies as well as crusty old white farts can make sure they’re not with child before fully enjoying a night out.

“If you have people who are binge drinking or chronic drinkers, we’re hesitant to say ‘use birth control as your protection against fetal alcohol syndrome,’ because again, as I say, binge drinking is a problem,” he said. “If you think you can take birth control and then binge drink and hope not to produce a fetal alcohol syndrome baby, you may be very wrong. Sometimes these things don’t work. Sometimes people forget. Sometimes they administer birth control improperly, and you might produce a fetal alcohol syndrome baby.”

Ummmm. He does know, right, that fetal alcohol syndrome isn’t caused by having drunk sex — it’s caused by high levels of alcohol consumption throughout a pregnancy. But oh right, we’re also talking about a guy who thinks use birth control is used as protection against fetal alcohol syndrome, instead of, say, PREGNANCY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Kelly told the Anchorage Daily News last week that the assumption behind his push to put pregnancy tests in bars and restaurants is “if you know you’re pregnant, you won’t drink.” But he said he would oppose making free birth control similarly available.

“This assumes that if you know (you are pregnant) you’ll act responsibly,” he told the Anchorage Daily News. “Birth control is for people who don’t necessarily want to act responsibly.”

Does this mean I shouldn’t take my birth control pills with wine? Because I do that almost every night and so far, so good!

So let me get this straight: Birth control — BAD — is for women who don’t want to act responsibly, however once a woman is pregnant — GOOD — she will automatically act responsibly. Counterpoint: Does Senator Pete Kelly know what a uterus is? Just a general question. Can he tell me what it does inside of a woman’s body, and maybe even you describe what it looks like? Since I’m guessing the answers would be a resounding NO and NO, maybe he should STFU in the meantime.

Oh so taking birth control to prevent a possible unwanted pregnancy is acting irresponsibly. Thanks for clarifying. This is the equivalent of being called irresponsible for wearing a seatbelt to prevent head injuries. And did I just compare pregnancies to car wrecks? Why, yes I did.

To be fair, there’s like six women in Alaska, so this probably wouldn’t even come up that often. What I would want are those home sobriety tests so I could hold contests with my drinking buddies ( a lumber jack and a bear, probably) to see who could get the most shit faced before succumbing to alcohol poisoning.

The time I’ve spent in Alaska has defintely imparted so important knowledge on me: A vast, vast, vast majority of the locals, especially the natives are hardcore alcoholics. Honestly with the amount of population that drinks the way it does I’m surprised no one has suggested this sooner.