Free Pony Expresshttp://www.freeponyexpress.com
Fake News You Can TrustFri, 15 Feb 2019 14:05:34 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=5.0.3Original Libertarian, Governor Bill Weld Endorses Vermin Supreme, the Presumptive Libertarian Nominee, for Presidenthttp://www.freeponyexpress.com/original-libertarian-governor-bill-weld-endorses-vermin-supreme-for-libertarian-nominee-for-president/
http://www.freeponyexpress.com/original-libertarian-governor-bill-weld-endorses-vermin-supreme-for-libertarian-nominee-for-president/#commentsThu, 07 Feb 2019 17:00:56 +0000http://www.freeponyexpress.com/?p=116]]>After the former governor of Massachusetts and original Libertarian (and former Libertarian for Life) Bill Weld left the Libertarian Party (again) for the GOP, the group The People for Bill Weld declared Vermin Supreme the presumptive nominee of the Libertarian Party and offered their endorsement. Quickly following suit, Bill Weld has privately come out in strong support of the new presumptive nominee.

Other recent endorsements include Missouri Republican and atheist Austin Petersen declaring Vermin Supreme to be his god. In 2018, Austin Petersen received 8.3% of the vote in the Republican primary for US Senate in Missouri.

]]>http://www.freeponyexpress.com/original-libertarian-governor-bill-weld-endorses-vermin-supreme-for-libertarian-nominee-for-president/feed/3Vermin Supreme: Free Pony Express Ends Government Shutdownhttp://www.freeponyexpress.com/vermin-supreme-free-pony-express-ends-government-shutdown/
http://www.freeponyexpress.com/vermin-supreme-free-pony-express-ends-government-shutdown/#respondFri, 25 Jan 2019 20:51:49 +0000http://www.freeponyexpress.com/?p=112]]>Shortly after the Free Pony Express published its editorial rebuke of the Democrats over the government shutdown, Donald Trump announced that he would sign legislation to reopen the government. After announcing that he recognizes Lord Buckethead as interim Prime Minister of the UK and beat Roger Stone, Vermin Supreme spoke with the Free Pony Express to congratulate us on influencing the resolution.

No one is asking the important question: Should we build Donald Trump a giant expensive monument? Of course!

Brett Kavanaugh explains how much he likes beer while being questioned about sexual assault.

This idea isn’t new. Politico proposed this idea in 2017. And why not? Our President and leader of the free world, Donald Trump, has signed criminal justice reform, appointed a likely alcoholic sex offender to the supreme court, provided huge tax cuts, probably obstructed justice, possibly got a promotion in the KGB, bragged about grabbing women by the pussy, and got caught paying hush money for rawdogging a porn star.

So why a wall? Sure a big beautiful wall could cause flooding and countless deaths along our border with Mexico, but focusing on the negatives is short sighted when it comes to the lasting permanent legacy of such a beautiful monument. I could also set up the precedent for future presidents to have beautiful monuments as well. Imagine a monument to a future President Vermin Supreme, who promises a free pony for every American. That would truly be a monument America deserves.

“What I do best in life, I build. … I want it to be so beautiful because maybe someday they’ll call it ‘The Trump Wall.’ Maybe. If they call this ‘The Trump Wall,’ it has to be beautiful.”

—Donald Trump

So maybe Democrats won’t pay for the wall. Maybe they will build another monument in honor of Donald Trump. Perhaps a giant golden statue of Trump. Maybe they could build a giant casino called Golden Showers. Even a statue of Toad from Mario Kart built in Trump’s honor would suffice. Regardless, our President deserves a giant monument dedicated to him, and 5.7 billion dollars is quite the bargain. With confederate monuments going down all over the country, we need a new monument to a new leader, for all the same reasons. Besides, if we don’t like it, we can always just knock it down later, right?

]]>http://www.freeponyexpress.com/donald-trump-monument/feed/1John McCain Dies at 81http://www.freeponyexpress.com/john-mccain-dies-at-81/
http://www.freeponyexpress.com/john-mccain-dies-at-81/#respondSun, 26 Aug 2018 19:19:52 +0000http://www.freeponyexpress.com/?p=54]]>John McCain holds the microphone for a fellow presidential candidate. (Photo courtesy of the Nashua Telegraph.)Yesterday, former Republican Senator and presidential nominee John McCain died at the age of 81. John McCain was known for being a decorated Vietnam veteran and a “maverick” Senator. As a former prisoner of war, he was an outspoken critic of torture. He had a good sense of humor when confronted by critics. He once blamed Karl Rove for the destruction of the Old Man on the Mountain, requesting the FBI to investigate. Despite his efforts, Karl Rove is still free.

Reflecting on his life in his recent book, John McCain wrote, “It’s been quite a ride.”

]]>http://www.freeponyexpress.com/john-mccain-dies-at-81/feed/0Trump Still Refuses to Acknowledge the People’s Right to Free Ponies!!!http://www.freeponyexpress.com/trump-still-refuses-to-acknowledge-the-peoples-right-to-free-ponies/
http://www.freeponyexpress.com/trump-still-refuses-to-acknowledge-the-peoples-right-to-free-ponies/#commentsThu, 01 Mar 2018 17:45:45 +0000http://www.freeponyexpress.com/?p=48]]>In the latest interview, “President” Trump had some unfortunate words to say about our equestrian policies.

“It’s silly and makes the least amount of sense in the history of policies. Ever” Trump exclaimed, he might as well have said “I hate ponies. No one is getting their free ponies. Ever.”

Well Mr. Trump, the American people are at your doorstep and we demand free ponies. Even at this very moment, Americans are disguising themselves as everyday Americans, waiting for the moment to rise up and seize the means of pony production. Everyone you surround yourself with is an American who has felt the emptiness that you will not fill, so we would send a pony head like in the Godfather, but that would be totally against what we stand for.

I suggest we write tons of letters to the White House advocating for free ponies, and then have owls deliver them and completely fill the White House like in Harry Potter. Once he moves to a remote island, we send in a big friendly fat man to get the answer we want from him, “free ponies.”

America, I call upon you to enact change, to bring about a new age of ponydom.

]]>http://www.freeponyexpress.com/trump-still-refuses-to-acknowledge-the-peoples-right-to-free-ponies/feed/1New Plans for Floridahttp://www.freeponyexpress.com/new-plans-for-florida/
http://www.freeponyexpress.com/new-plans-for-florida/#respondMon, 19 Feb 2018 19:02:32 +0000http://www.freeponyexpress.com/?p=35]]>The Zombie Power Committee has nominated Florida to be the new home for the Zombie Turbine Field, which will be the future of the energy industry. The way that the ZTF works, is that we attach zombies to turbines and dangle brains in front of them so that they turn the turbines and generate energy. This is be great for the economy seeing as how it gets many unemployed zombies off of the streets and into this new jobs creation program. The ZTF will also require uninfected humans to help round up zombies, maintain the fields, and secure a new source of energy for America.

The only reason why Florida was chosen to be the home of the ZTF is because of Miami’s reputation when it comes to generating zombies, good job Miami. We will not disclose the exact location of the ZTF for safety and security reasons, but know that it is in Florida along with the rest of the crazies.

Jobs! Jobs! And Even More Jobs!

As previously mentioned, we are hiring for many positions. There are positions for both humans and zombies alike, and in mass. Each position comes with dental insurance as mandated by the Department of Dental Matters.

Job opportunities for zombies:

Laborer

Labor Leader

Laborer’s Representative

Job opportunities for humans:

Zombie Catcher

Security Guard

Labor Manager

Donut Maker

Human Resources

Accounting

Secretary

Corporate Positions:

Getting involved with a corporate/government job is a completely different matter entirely. If you wish to be part of the Corporate team, then you will have to do such things as: betraying your morals, pretend that zombies don’t feel emotion, lying to congress about following the regulations (all corporations do this), ‘high-fiving’ the donut maker for doing a good job, and other similar tasks. We will be filling in the following positions:

Head Honcho

Financial Manager

Donut Lord

Zombie Location Team

Yes-Man

Lawyer

If any of these positions interest you, email your resume at ZTF@zombiepower.com or call us at +1 (800) ZMB-POWR to schedule an interview.

]]>http://www.freeponyexpress.com/new-plans-for-florida/feed/0Concerning the Rumors of the Secret Dental Policehttp://www.freeponyexpress.com/concerning-the-rumors-of-the-secret-dental-police/
http://www.freeponyexpress.com/concerning-the-rumors-of-the-secret-dental-police/#respondWed, 14 Feb 2018 19:01:58 +0000http://www.freeponyexpress.com/?p=26]]>All rumors, chit-chat, hot gossip, hearsay, and evidence of the Secret Dental Police is completely false and nothing but slander from Big Plaque. Some will still insist that the riot in Shiny Teeth Park is proof of the existence of the Secret Dental Police. Do not believe this heresy, do not even believe the video taken by some of the protesters. They can’t be trusted if they can’t even brush their teeth to the full amount of 5 mandatory brushes a day. If they don’t care about their own mouths, they don’t care about the general welfare. All further talk of the Shiny Teeth Park riot or of the Secret Dental Police will result in soap in the mouth to clean out the filth, no, not tide pods.

If we were ever to establish the Secret Dental Police, it would not be anytime soon. Even if it were a thing, its called secret for a reason.

]]>http://www.freeponyexpress.com/concerning-the-rumors-of-the-secret-dental-police/feed/0Vermin Supreme Succeeds at Time Travelhttp://www.freeponyexpress.com/vermin-supreme-succeeds-at-time-travel/
http://www.freeponyexpress.com/vermin-supreme-succeeds-at-time-travel/#respondMon, 12 Feb 2018 02:08:56 +0000http://www.freeponyexpress.com/?p=20]]>We’ve recently received an unconfirmed report from an anonymous source inside the Department of Sensible Misinformation Management and Leakage Plumbing Services that Vermin Supreme has successfully traveled back in time. This scientific breakthrough is alleged to have taken place on the morning of Friday, February 2nd.

Supreme, The Tyrant You Must Trust, was attempting to travel back 2 years in time to 2016 in order to defeat Donald Trump for the US Presidency, but due to a mechanical mis-calibration he only traveled back 2 minutes. Apparently time travel causes some wicked disorientation and in his continued confusion he proceeded to perform the same task of attempting to travel back in time 2 years no less than 200 times. According to our anonymous source he always ended up exactly where he started though. Finally, regaining enough of his senses to realize that he’d forgotten to brush his teeth he went to take care of his important hygiene needs at which time he realized his machine must be mis-calibrated and he was not stuck in Groundhogs Day forever. At this time he has put any further time travel attempts on hold until his machine could be seen by a professional.

A petition has been started on change.org to commemorate this historic day in science as Free Pony Day. Those wishing to sign can find the petition at https://www.change.org/p/donald-trump-make-february-2nd-free-pony-day . Vermin Supreme has vowed that if Donald Trump does not make this happen, when he becomes President and Supreme Overlord he will forever decree February 2nd as Free Pony Day having said, “The Groundhog has had his day, the time of the Pony is here.”

In a recent poll among likely delegates to the Libertarian National Convention, Vermin Supreme polled extremely well with only about 20% of respondents preferring the former Governor, Bill Weld, over the Friendly Fascist and Tyrant You Must Trust who garnered the support of 80% of respondents.