Friday, September 30, 2011

"An empty frame...in which the picture is always changing makes a statement about how time is always passing... It doesn't really stop.. even in a single image... It just feels that way.."

Dear Time...

Where have you gone...September is gone and it is three months till Christmas...and then a whole new year starts all over again...I feel as though you are passng me by..and I am running to catch up...the days are turning into weeks..weeks into months...and months into years...

Once again, Summer has come and gone...and the seasons are changing..the leaves are starting to turn a beautiful array of colors..we exchange our brightly colored decor for pumpkins and candy corn... As I sat in bed last night..I couldnt help but to think... it was only yesterday my baby boy was running around the house exclaiming he was a "Big boy" and going to start Kindergarden..and then I blinked my eyes and he was entering his last year of Elementary School...it feels as though I just tryed on my wedding dress to marry my best friend...and we just had our 6 year anniversary...we celebrated my little brothers 25th birthday last night...25..how did that happen...gone is the little boy who would sit in front of the TV and watch back to back episodes of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...he is now a adult making his own way into the world...I can close my eyes and I am right back in my grandmother's kitchen..I can inhale and smell the glorious scents of her chicken and dumplings...but then I open my eyes and remember..she has been gone for over a year now...As I go outside this weekend to cut back my roses...I want to badly to pick up that phone and call Uncle Gene and ask him exactly how to do it..Its so hard to believe that almost a year has passed since he went home to heaven...last night at my daddy's I started looking around at my family.. there was a bit more gray in my dad's hair..though you certainly can't tell it from his spirit..one by one I looked around at all the faces that I once played with as a child..they now have children of there own that are running around and playing with my child...

How did so much time pass without me even realizing it? You view the world with eyes that never really see the change until it's almost to late..When your a child you look forward to Christmas all year long..and it just seems like it won't come quickly enough...Christmas eve comes and you lie awake in bed at the anticipation of Santa Clause coming...you squirm in excitement..wating for the moment to get out of bed so you can run into the living room...you have waited all year long for this day... As you grow older you can't wait to turn 16 to get your drivers license...and it seems as if that day will never come...and then that faithful hour comes that the Poiceman that gave you your drivers test says you passed....the next future goal is 18..graduation day...then college...a family...We are forever looking at the future..to the next day..the next year...Our whole life ..we have wanted time to pass so quickly..we are constantly planning for the future...and then when you do get to that older age..we all just want it slow down...

Life events are passing right before my eyes...I feel like I am in a car... speeding down the interstate at 85 miles per hour..looking out the window at lifes events...I just want to stop and savor the moments...to take it all in..to play in the yard a little bit more with Khristian...to enjoy my wedding reception more instead of worrying so much...to sit down with my grandmother and talk with her a bit more...to get Gene to teach me all he knows about roses...to really get to know my parents better...and so..so many other things...I guess I am feeling a bit nostalgic today...we say things like "I can't wait until today is over so I can enjoy my weekend..please let time hurry up..." ..we are forever wishing time away...because we can't wait to get to the next event our life...Why? Once time is gone..we can't get it back...we will all wake up one in our old age and wish that we had savored each and every minute of our day..every moment..everyconversation...every event in our life...

I often times say that there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish all I need...but what I have come to realize is..there is 24 hours in a day..there is enough time for everything that matter's...God gives us enough time..we just have to prioritize our life..find out what's important versus whats not...We are all getting older...our children are getting older...our family is getting older...Let's all slow down a bit...enjoy life..enjoy time...

Today, I would like to ask you one favor time...Please slow down...let me catch up...because I would hate to wake up one day and realize that I wished my life away..one day at a time...

Monday, September 26, 2011

"You must remember, family is often born of blood, but it doesn't depend on blood... Nor is it exclusive of friendship... Family members can be your best friends, you know... And best friends, whether or not they are related to you, can be your family..."

Have you ever just needed a break? I mean a complete and total break from everything...work...stress...kids..life..? I think everyone does at some point or another...If not, then I don't think your human...we all need that moment away..that moment where you can gather your thoughts...sit down..close your eyes..enjoy the silenece..quiet your mind...and just breathe...

If you couldn't tell "Just breathe" is my motto in life..On a Monday morning and you spill your coffee on your white skirt..just breathe...your about to kill your child over squished bananas in the bottom of his bookbag..just breathe...the driver that just pulled out in front of you that almost made you hit them and spill your coffee for the second time in one day...just breathe..Your printer has turned into the devil and won't print a single thing and due to the fact that it says "Clear the paper jam" when clearly there is no paper jam to be found..just breathe...you get the point...This was me a couple weeks ago...I was at my breaking point..you know what I am talking about..the point where you feel like you are about to snap...you cry at every little thing...you jump down everyones throat without even realizing it...you feel as though you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders..and just when you feel like you can't carry anymore...the last straw comes in...the teacher calls you and preceeds to tell you how your child has been acting up in class..at this point, "Just Breathe.." won't even begin to dent the mounting level of anxiety and stress you feel...

Thankfully, a girl's weekend away was knocking at my door...It was a Friday afternoon and my boss let me off early so I could leave as soon as possible...by 3:30 that afternoon my 2 aunts, step-mother and myself were packed and headed out to a wonderful weekend at the beach...To be honest, I was a little hesitant about going...I, of course, was the youngest one in the car...this was the first time I had really "hung out" with both of my Aunts away from the rest of the family..and definatly the first time I had spent a entire weekend with them...We unpacked our mountains of bags and shoes... (4 women..what do you expect?)..refreshed our make-up and hair and headed out to a fantastic little restaurant called "The Red Bar"..and WOW at the food...I don't think I have ever tasted food so good in my life...better than the food was the atmosphere..I was instantly in my zone...we all got a few drinks and went to sit down in the most quant seating area and waited while a table opened up..we enjoyed a bit of conversation until we were seated at a booth and we ordered another round of drinks and our food...At first, I held back a bit...hanging out with your friends who you can be completly stupid with and they won't judge you is completly different than hanging out with your family who you have always had to be more reserved around...the more we talked the more relaxed I became..and the break I was getting from back home was more than welcome at the this point..I could feel the stress just melting away with every minute...the more we sat there and talked..laughed...took pictures...and just really enjoyed each others company..I felt more comfortable and was extremly glad I came by the end of the night...we stayed until closing time at which point, I was actually sad to see the night end...

The next day was a girl's dream...after a early morning run on the beach with my step-mom and breakfast at a cute little dinner that had the best coffee....we shopped until our feet hurt...stopped in for lunch at happy hour and some appetizer's...and then shopped some more...My aunt had made reservations for us later that night at "The Firefly" (Which is where President Obama ate when he visited the gulf during the BP oil spill)..we dressed up in our finest dresses..heels...and strutted our stuff to the restaurant..now let me tell you, I didnt think the food could get any better than the previous night...but it did..It was absolutly amazing..the atmosphere was so cozy...we had the friendlist waiter..and it was absolutly beautiful in the restaurant...from the ourside it doesnt look like much..but on the inside..gorgeous..it really is a hidden jewel...Here again, it was a night filled with laughter..great conversation..great food...and some great memories...I had began to feel more comfortable as the day had progressed...and for a moment there I just sat in absolute silence and took everything in...the setting, the mood, the atmosphere, the company...and all I could do was smile...and feel incredibly blessed...gone where the feelings of wanting to cover my head with my blanket and just hide from the world...

The next day was pretty quiet...we all slept in...grabbed some breakfast at the little dinner again...One of my aunts and I layed out on the beach for several hours...at about 12 she went in to take a shower and I stayed out for a little longer...laying there on the beach..with my sunglasses on...music playing beside me...sun beaming down...I realized somewhere along the lines...I had stopped thinking of these ladies as my family..and started to think of them as my friends...I had always thought of them as "My Aunts" and "My step-mom"...they were labeled as my family...never in a million years would I have thought that I would replace that title with "friend"...that weekend was a eye opener for us all I think..because not only did I get to see a side of them I had never seen before as a teenager or a adolescent.. but they also got to see a side of me as a adult instead of a child...When your younger, you dont really want to "hang out" so much with your family..if we are all honest with ourselves, there is a clear seperation in our mind between family and friends...what I come to realize, is the seperation is only there if we choose to put it there...

I gained alot from that weekend...it allowed me to "Just Breathe" again...to get that break from life that I needed...and the best thing of all...To really get to know 3 amazing people that I had only really and truly known from a distance...and I gained 3 new friends.... (=

Friday, September 23, 2011

"What was love, really? Flowers.. chocolate.. and poetry? Or was it something else? Was it being able to finish someone's jokes? Was it having absolute faith that someone was there at your back? Was it knowing someone so well that they instantly understood why you did the things you did and shared those same beliefs?”

We, as human beings, tend to take things for granted alot in our fast paced world...with everything at our fingertips we rarely have time to miss anything...If we want to stop at our favorite coffee place and grab a latte..then we stop..if we want a new dress at the little overpriced boutique in town...we go buy it...if we want to talk to our best friend or husband.. we pick up our cell phone and call (or text) them...if we want to go and see our parents just to say hello...we stop by...and that nice new pair of Jessica Simpson heels that I want...well I go buy them...and the list can go on...We over look the small things in this life that make it so grand...that make us smile for no reason...that make us happy whether we realize it or not...we dont ever stop to think about what would happen if we couldnt just snap our fingers and have everything at our fingertips...I know I am completly guilty of this...and this last couple weeks have brought me back down to earth...

Travis and I have a routine..and to many people it doesnt sound like much..but to us..it's everything...Every morning before Travis leaves the house he comes in the bedroom and kisses me on the forehead to wake me up...I crane my neck up at him and kiss him back (he tells me I look like a duck) and we snuggle for a few minutes (Most of the time, I try to persuade him to lay back down with me) and he tells me he loves me and we kiss one more time before he leaves...then around 8-ish he calls to say Good Morning and to have a good day...we talk for maybe 3 or 4 minutes and then we hang up....I call him at 12 when I take my lunch hour and we talk about our mornings...vent or laugh at things that have happened during our morning....and then he calls me everyday without fail at 4:30 on the dot when he gets off work to see what the plan for the afternoon is..whether he is picking Khristian up or am I...Is he going to meet me at the gym or go home...he tells me a little about his afternoon and I tell him a little about mine...and every phone call we end with "I love you"...

Well, these last few weeks he has had to work late hours at work and where he is located his phone has no service...so that means when he leaves the house at 5 in the morning..in my sleepy haze that is the last time I see or talk to him until around 7 or possibly 8 at night (Depending on whether Khristian has football that night)..I didn't realize how much I would miss our phone calls to each other until they were gone...I find myself during the day wondering what he is doing..or how his morning went...and if something funny happens at work or Khristian does something silly and I want to tell him..I can't just pick up the phone to call him unless I want to hear his voicemail...I got so accustomed to our "routine" that I never really stopped to think how much these little phone calls everyday meant to me...they are just something we do without even thinking much about it...

I guess the saying is true..Absense makes the heart grow fonder...these past few weeks without seeing Travis as much nor talking to him..has made me really appreciate the time that I do get with him...and this morning when he called to tell me "Good Morning"...I thought to myself how much I truly do love him..You know, the bible tells you what love is supposed to be..." Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres....Love never fails." There is alot of truth to that verse...and we should all abide by it...but there is alot about love that that verse leaves out...

Here is what it doesnt say...love is fun...it is all consuming...and once you get wrapped up in it..you should never let it go...love is cleaning the kitchen without being asked and sticking the pot of spagetti in the refrigerator while it is still in the pot...love is playfully calling each other names to annoy one another...love is doing abs at the gym instead of doing what you had orginally planned just so you can spend that extra 30 minutes with each other...Love is listening to me vent on and on about things that doesnt amount to a hill of beans in the end..and when I am done...you say something stupid to make me smile...love is spending your last 15 dollars on a shirt that you know the other has wanted for a while but just wouldnt go get...Love is going to work at 5 in the morning and getting off at 6:30 PM and instantly going to football to help coach your son's football team and not getting home till after 8...and love is never taking for granted the small things that make a great marriage work...you have to appreciate one another...and the small things...

I learned a new lesson in love last night ...As Travis and I were laying in bed I was being pretty quiet...which is usually uncommon for me as I love to talk his ear off right before we go to sleep...he asked me what I was being quiet and wanted to know what was going on inside my head...and I told him that he didnt want to know..I was afraid he would take it the wrong way...He told me to tell him..that he promised he wouldnt...One of my old fears came back to haunt me...As most of you know, we are trying to have a baby...I had this overwheming fear of being abandoned...the old feeling of anxiety kicked in and I felt my chest tightening..my mind tryed to rationalize with my body...It was as if they were almost at war with each other...In my heart I know Travis would never do that to me...but in the back of my mind..that nagging thought just won't forever go away...Why? That man has stood by my side since Khristian was 1 and half..he accepted all my baggage..he accepted my life...and he wanted to be a part of it...so why all the sudden am I having this thought...I told him all this..afraid that he might think I was doubting him in some way...he took my hand and made me look at him...these were his words..."I don't take this wrong because I know what you have been through..I am not leaving..I never will" in true Travis fashion he also added "The only way I am leaving is if I am being carried out by six"...

Our marriage is not perfect..but it works for us...I learned that love can be so many different things..but in the end..love is comfortable...love is safe...love is the small things... =)

Friday, September 9, 2011

"It was being a runner that mattered, not how fast or how far I could run... the joy was in the act of running and in the journey, not in the destination... We have a better chance of seeing where we are when we stop trying to get somewhere else... We can enjoy every moment of movement, as long as where we are is as good as where we'd like to be... That's not to say that you need to be satisfied forever with where you are today... But you need to honor what you've accomplished, rather than thinking of what's left to be done.."

If your a women, do me a favor...Close your eyes and envision your most delicious weakness...whether it be chocolate, cheesecake, cookies, cake....imagine it...you can taste every morsel of sweet goodness that oozes of it...you eat every single bite..and you enjoy it...right down to the very last crumb...you smile to yourself because it was just that good....you feel relaxed and happy...and satisfied....

For me...I don't get that feeling of satisfaction....I get all panicky on the inside...sure, I smile because I will never tell anyone what I am really thinking...I am already formulating in my head when my next gym trip will be so that I can work off that 500+ calories I just consumed...and then the guilt kicks in...When I go into the bathroom I raise my shirt up and look at my stomach and wonder if anyone can see the piece of cake that I just ate...Here is the problem with losing 115 pounds...I have learned that I will never be satisfied with the way I look...I will always want to lose more weight...look more toned...I work out almost everyday so that I can reach the imagine that I have in my head...truth be known, I don't really even know what the image is anymore...Its a never ending cycle..eat, workout, eat, workout....I wonder if I am the only one with this problem...I have a immence fear of gaining back my weight...it's not just some little bitty fear...but a very consuming one that sometimes can get exhausting...

When I was 230 pounds I never felt guilty for eating Mcdonalds french fries..or going to Dairy Queen and ordering a M&M blizzard...but now that I am at a healthy 135 pounds with leaner muscles than I have had in years...I worry all the time about what I put in my mouth...the calorie percentage...the sodium...the sugar...and this makes me worry about when the time does come that I get pregnant...How will I deal with the weight gain...

I started running about 2 years ago...and I have found that this is the only way to ease my anxiety about food and my weight issues...When I lace up my running shoes and hit that track or treadmill..music flowing through my ears...everything else just melts away...It is so easy for me to forget my daily struggles...my stress...my problems...its just me, the track and my music...As my feet hit the pavement..I find my rythme..my pace...I concentrate on my breathing patterns...and after about 5 minutes..my whole body is insync with itself...most days its my favorite part of my day...its the only time that I feel truly at ease with myself...I am not thinking about what bill I have to pay..what Khristian needs at school..what I have to do at work the next day...what family member I have made mad today by something I have said or written...what the number the scale says..Truth be known, Running has saved me from myself on most days...

Sure, I am happy with my accomplishments..losing weight and keeping it off is not easy...and I have done both...but people need to understand that the struggle does not end when you get to your "Ideal" size...it is a never ending battle with yourself...When I am at the gym and I see women in there working there butt off and sweating just as much as me...I find myself wanting to go over to them and say "You should be proud of yourself"...I want to give them that extra little bit of motivation because I have been there and I know how important that is...I know that struggle...and I want to let them know they are not alone in it...I wish I could tell them that it gets easier..but I know that it won't...

At the end of the day..All I can do is strap on my running shoes on...and hit the open pavement with my music playing in my ears...because thats where my troubles melt away...

About me

Jessica

I am a artistic soul that loves music, art, and anything in between. Readling a good book is the best, and I always get sad when it ends... I love shoes, watermelon jolly ranchers, and the beach..I tend to speak before I think..but there is always a truth to what I say! I have a 9 year old son that brings out everything that is best and worst in me..Sometimes when I look at him its like I'm looking in a mirror..Being his mother is my greatest accomplishment... I have been married to my best friend for 6 years..He truly amazes me everyday..I am not perfect and I love learning about myself day to day..some good and some bad...but all in all..I kinda like me.. :)