Anti-zombie presidential candidate ‘Vermin Supreme’ needs our support

The mainstream media seems to have slept on this story, and it does us all a great disservice, but I’m hoping to correct that. Last month, the New Hampshire Institute of Politics invited sixteen lesser-known candidates for president, including nine republicans and seven democrats, to a forum, where they could outline their views and engage in lively debate. It was there that Rockport Massachusetts’s ‘Vermin Supreme,’ (seen at right sprinkling glitter dust over West Virginia’s Randall Terry) won the official endorsement of FilmDrunk.com. While we certainly can’t overlook the importance of his awesome hat, it was his positions on the issues that matter to us that ultimately won him this coveted endorsement.

Vermin Supreme, the perennial satirical candidate who runs on a platform of zombie preparedness and a pony for each American, came wearing about seven neckties and a giant boot over his head. [unionleader]

Stronger zombie defense and universal pony access are exactly the kind of common sense platforms we need in these tough economic times. The head boot and glitter bombs, that’s just good showmanship. And if, in the spirit of bipartisanship, Supreme chose as his running mate The Rent is Too Damn High Party’s Jimmy MacMillan, I think MacMillan’s karate expertise could give this ticket the shot in the arm it needs.

As a side note, Vermin Supreme is exactly how I always imagined Quentin Tarantino’s cocaine wizard.

The beard, boot-hat and sensible jacket solidify him in my mind as a legitimate candidate. While his underlying dentist agenda worried me at first, he won me over with his closing song & gay fairydust. Promise a position in your cabinet as “Secretary of Butthornery” to Gary Busey and you’ve got my* vote, sir!

*Canadian, which as of this writing only counts as 0.9773 actual votes. That’s how it works, yeah?

President Vermin Supreme: Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don’t say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
President Vermin Supreme: Yes, it does. Leviticus.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I’m interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Howard the Duck #17. She’s a clown college graduate, speaks fluent Esperanto, always did the locomotion when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Nick Nolte insists that Dehumanizer is better than Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath. That homeless guy on the corner of 15th and 3rd clearly says he should be rapped across the knuckles with a fresh birchwood cane. Am I morally obligated to wedgie him myself, or is it okay to call the Ghostbusters? Here’s one that’s really important ’cause we’ve got a lot of extractor fans in this town: Touching the skin of a snare drum makes one unclean. Wizards of Waverly Place Season 2, Episode 18: Hugh’s Not Normous. If they promise to wear Hulk hands, can the Salisbury Steaks still play the piano, because they couldn’t before! Can Cancun? Can St Trinian’s? Does the whole town really have to be together to get stoned with my brother Nimrev for planting different crops side by side? Can I rap-battle my mother in a small family gathering for being a trick-ass ho? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: While you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President kaschnarbles, nobody flaboogles.

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