Letters I'll Never Send

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Here I am sitting here alone with this emptiness inside me and these feelings of guilt that I know will never go away because I did the worst possible thing I could ever do to you. I cheated on you. A year ago when I cheated on you it was only because i caught you flirting and wanted to get back at you and get my revenge. But this time it was out of pure lust…. I can’t ever tell you what I did because I know you will never forgive me…. You would hate me and forget about me completely. The thing is I love you despite what I did to you… I know in my heart that I love you so much and I really do want to be with you for the rest of my life, I can’t imagine being with anyone else and growing old with anyone else…. But here’s the thing… I’m still young!!!!! I just want to have fun sometimes and just be me just be a teenager I’m only eighteen I wanna have fun but being in a relationship with you has limited me very much from the things that I want to do. I know I need to grow up but once in a while I wanna be free. I love being in a relationship with you we always have the best time together… But sometimes I feel trapped being in a relationship with you…. I just feel like there’s so much I want to do so much of myself that I want to explore but I cant because of you…maybe that’s why I cheat on you so much. I know I’m being completely selfish and unfair by making the choice of never ever telling you, but despite me wanting to be free, I want to be with you more than that I want to be with you forever more than anything in the world, your the most important person to me in my life, no one really knows how much I love you. I just can’t explain how I feel about you but I know my feelings for you are real, I’m completely in live with you even tho I did this horrible unforgivable thing to you…and even tho we fight sometimes I love you so much at the end of the day… This may sound bad and I’m probably a horrible person for doing this and saying this but I would rather live with this guilt for the rest of my life because i don’t wanna lose you, you don’t understand how much this guilt is killing me inside but you honestly are my everything, sometimes I feel like no one loves me or cares about me enough, but then I think of you and how much you love me and how much I love you. Even tho this guilt is slowing breaking my heart and tearing me up inside, if I ever lose you that would just be unbearable I would honestly rather feel this guilt than having to deal with the pain and heartbreak of losing you. I just hope the guilt won’t eat me up inside and slowly kill me inside.Your my soulmate and the love of my life. If anything this has taught me something, it has made me realize how much I truly love you because honestly I was having doubts, but after what I did I realized it’s not worth it I can’t lose you I don’t feel as comfortable with anyone else but you, even the first day I met you I was so comfortable that’s how I knew I was falling for you. Babe im sorry I really truly am sorry from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry…. I will never ever forgive myself for this for keeping this secret from you and being so selfish, but I love you soooooo much and I don’t want to grow old with anyone else I dont want to lose you. You make me so happy, your my best friend my boyfriend my soulmate my everything, I can’t believe Im hurting you like this and you don’t even know it. My biggest fear is one day I’ll just snap and I tell you… And ur gonna go crazy on me and beat me up… And I’m gonna lose you…. I’m also scared that one day somehow you’re gonna find out…. I hope not…. I’m sorry babe I love you I really do love you <3