Rahul Gandhi might have discovered the ‘Fountain of Youth’, NTMN finds out

On Rahul Gandhi’s 42nd birthday, NTMN makes a thrilling revelation. We find out why he will be as young as today even when he is celebrating his birthday on June 19 sixty years later.

Several compelling eyewitness accounts and various unconfirmed reports suggest that Rahul Gandhi may have discovered the ‘Fountain of Youth’, described in legend and popularized by the movie series Pirates of the Caribbean. Although the actual discovery is thought to have been made quite some time before, reports of the deed are trickling in only now. The news of the discovery, which has apparently been a tightly guarded state secret, wouldn’t have come to light if a well-placed cadre hadn’t hinted at ‘super powers and eternal youth’, while being questioned on a different subject. Not one to dismiss idiotic claims lightly, NTMN did some excellent intuitive and investigative journalism to reveal what is now definitely on its way to becoming a well-established fact.

We acted on an informative tip-off by a cadre who had insinuated that a certain someone in the Congress top-brass possessed the ‘super-power’ of ‘eternal youth’. Intrigued, we began a meticulous process of fact-verification, which culminated in the aforesaid inference. A brief outline is provided for our more interested readers.

While confirming the fact I asked several questions of myself and those in my vicinity:

1. Can Rahul Gandhi truly have ‘eternal youth’ in any form, fashion, shape or disguise? This was tough, but after some thinking, the answer presented itself automatically. Yes! Why else is the Congress still adamantly trying to pass off someone who is now 42, as a “youth-icon”? They have been relentless in their persuasion, and of course, twenty years too late. Unless they know something that we clearly do not. Factor in ‘eternal youth’, and you have your answer!

Rahul Gandhi has discovered the Fountain of Youth!

Next I tried to establish how these powers were attained…

2. Is Rahul Gandhi a mutant? The answer is obviously, no. At best, he is just from another part of the world. Therefore he can’t possess super-powers himself.

3. Is Rahul Gandhi in possession of so much mental power that he can actually slow the ageing process of his body? Right. Never mind.

4. Is he in possession of some artefact that lends him these powers? That must be it! And what more appropriate than the ‘Fountain of Youth’? It is self evident.

I managed to prove this conclusively when I reasoned out that all artefacts of power leave an after-effect on their users, a sort-of “give and take”. Clearly this one not only affects the body, but also the mind, making it much ‘younger’ than it actually should be. Actions speak the loudest, and one but has to glance upon those of Mr. Gandhi to get a confirmation of this one.

Of course, this might also mean that mermaids exist, but the procedure may easily have been misinterpreted. Unfortunately, Captain Jack Sparrow, pirate extraordinaire and lead investigator in the matter for quite some time, wasn’t available for comment.

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News That Matters Not is an Indian news satire, social commentary, and general humour website. An international award winning venture, NTMN was active during 2009–2015 and was known for its witty takes on social issues, media, youth, politics, and everyday life.

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