All within “normal” but again so much worse than they were a year ago. I guess it is a damn good thing we are doing EPP this time since that is supposed to be best protocol for old people like me who don’t respond well to stims anymore.

Higher than what I thought. But still extremely low, coupled with the fact that I am still bleeding is not a good sign.

My nurse was sympathetic and suggested we set up a follow up appointment. I told her I already did and said it’s becoming apparent I can’t stay pregnant. She said Dr. L would probably just suggest PGD testing. The problem is still that we don’t have enough embryos to test!

Oh, and my TSH was 3.9. Ugh. I took another pill to bring it help down, but obviously I need to monitor this more closing. I don’t really love my endo. I feel like she doesn’t seem to think Hashi’s is a big deal. Her office staff annoys me and I really avoid them if I can. I like the fact that she wanted to test my A1C (which was fine) and vitamin D levels (lowish but she didn’t suggest I up my supplementation). I just an not sure she’s up to date on thyroid and infertility. Maybe it’s not the issue. Who knows?

All I know at this point in the stage is that something needs to change.

I have an appointment with a new RE next Thurs. She was referred by a few people who have thyroid issues and one of few that does immune testing.

Did you all see the story about how some lady’s Fitbit detects her pregnancy before she does? If not, check it out here.

It has inspired me to conduct my own little experiment!

My resting HR since I have been on birth control (for the last 2 weeks) has roughly been 58-60 bpm. Prior to that it was averaging 70 while I was training for the 1/2 marathon. Weird, considering you would think when I was working out it would be lower. Maybe it was because my TSH was so low (.2) and now the extra estrogen in the BCP is suppressing my thyroid, therefore putting me in more of a normal TSH range and reducing my heart rate.

I stop birth control in two days and will continue Lupron until 4/6 so we will see what happens while I am on Lupron only. Then the stims start. It will be interesting to see what all of the extra hormones do to my resting hb.

I was thinking maybe I won’t test early (well, too early) and see if my FitBit knows something I don’t.

A little late but let me fill you in on the RE and Endo appointment from last week.

First up- the “seriously WTF” appointment with our RE. Prior to meeting, I researched and had an idea of what I wanted to put out on the table. I got the usual talk- we had had luck in the past so we know it’s not all doom and gloom. We have some hurdles but the RE is still optimistic. I want to believe him I really do. I guess I’m just more jaded going into our FOURTH freaking cycle.

We are talking a break as I mentioned before. Give my body a chance to regulate itself and not to worry about shots and whatnot. Both M and I will take Ubiquinol in hopes of helping with egg and sperm quality. Next month, I will repeat my day 3 blood work for insurance and also do a repeat biopsy to make sure the endometritis is cleared up. If not, I will do another round of doxycycline and will repeat the biopsy in March. Our hope is for me to start BCP in March and only take them for 2 weeks to make sure I’m not I over suppressed. My RE doesn’t think I was last fresh cycle but I don’t know. It took a higher level of meds to get my ovaries to work. My RE kindly pointed out that I’m 3 years older than I was last fresh cycle and we may just have to work a little harder now. Super so I have old eggs now.

What else…oh right. PGS testing. We discussed it again. I did the math again and after its all said and done, provided we have anything to transfer, it would be roughly $11,800 (without meds) to do a cycle, test and transfer. Conpared to roughly $4000 (without meds) to do a fresh cycle and transfer.

So basically we could do 3 fresh cycles for the price of one PGS cycle.

We have time to think it over but financially I’m leaning towards taking our chances and not testing. And being more aggressive and putting 2-3 back.

Ok enough of the RE visit. I also met with my Endo. I hate the practice. The nurses just annoy me.

I had my vitals taken and then the questions start-

Fatigue? Anxiety? Depression? Trouble sleeping? Constipation?

I answer as nicely as I can. I have a toddler and just had another failed IVF cycle. How am I supposed to tell you if any of my “symptoms” are thyroid related.

Then the nurse says, “if you don’t mind me asking, how did the last cycle go?” I refrain from saying something inappropriate and just tell her it failed…again. The icing on the cake is when she said “what about exercise?” and “do you drink?”

I threw my phone at her…in my head. Seriously? Please don’t ever ask something going through IF treatment either of those questions. I don’t know, maybe I was wearing my cranky pants, but until you go through IVF you have no idea of the toll it takes on your body, mind and spirit.

But to answer her stupid question, yes to both.

The Endo finally came in and we talked about my TSH and we decided to reduce my meds a little. I’ve also asked her to test my antibody level. They haven’t been tested in 2 years! After some hesitation, she said ok. She also gave me labs to test my TSH, T3 and T4, vitaminD and a1c1.

Luckily I don’t have to deal with the office for another 5 weeks.

Phew!

In the meantime I’m continuing to train for the half marathon in March. Yesterday I ran 6.5 and felt pretty good.

The next few weeks will boring I think. Which isn’t a bad thing I suppose.

I received a call from our hospital’s Perinatal Loss Committee Chair Board member. She was calling to let me know invitations to this year’s memorial service would be going out soon and asked if I was planning on attending. I said yes. She then asked if I would consider speaking this year. I teared up right then. I told her I would need to think about it and let her know. On one hand, I am not sure I am ready or want to. And then I think of the audience. Would some one who lost their baby later or after birth get upset that someone like me, who has experienced a late loss (~20-21weeks), is speaking? I never met or held Brynn. But on the other hand, I feel like this would be such a nice way to honor her, because we never did get to meet or hold her. We didn’t get to bury her or have a service for her. I am not sure what I am going to do. I know people say every loss is hard, and having gone through two at very different stages I agree they both are hard. And yet very different (at least for me). Not to mention, I have H from that pregnancy. Sometimes I feel like I am in a very weird category of twin/loss mom.

I had my mock transfer and endometrial scratch appointment. The nurse who was doing the scratch was saying something like how they are painful. I said “I know, this is my third one.” She looked at me and said something along the lines of you poor thing. I was like no, you don’t understand. I asked for it! The two other times I’ve had the scratch I have gotten pregnant. I think even my nurse was surprised I asked for it. During this visit, the nurse noted my lining was pretty thick for being on bcp. I saw exactly what she was talking about. The lower left of my lining was much thicker than it should be. Red flag. There was talk about remaining tissue. The u/s images were sent to my RE and he said I need a hysteroscopy this week. He said he thinks there may be a polyp, but the lining is definitely thicker than it should be, especially on the one side. It’s interesting that there was no sign of anything abnormal back in May/June when we did the mock. I am waiting on the date, but it looks like it will be Thurs or Friday. I am hoping this won’t delay things but I think it’s a wait and see game now.

My TSH has spiked up to 5.4. Stupid bcp. This explains why I have been in bed between 7:30-9 for the last week. Yes, 7:30pm and I am not a toddler. I am increasing my meds to 100mcg and basically self managing since my Endo is on vacation for the next 3 weeks. I will stay at 100 until I get down to 1 and then I may drop to 88mcg. It depends on my levels while stimming.

Speaking of stimming, I start Lupron on Wednesday! I am excited and terrified. I don’t care about the shots anymore, I am more anxious about the follicle growth, fertilization and embryo development. All things more or less outside of my control.

Within the last week, I have had 2 pregnancy announcements pop up on Facebook. I think what makes them so hard is that are due right around when Olo was due. (I would have been 13 weeks on Wednesday.) Both couples have kids younger than H- one has a 6 month old and one has an 11 month old. I know that shouldn’t matter, but if I am being honest, it does. I don’t know why. (Also, I really hope that I am not the only one that does the ‘I would have been X weeks’.) I am happy for them, especially the couple with the 11 month old since they lost their daughter to a genetic disease when she was a little over a year, but I guess I just want to drink the same water they are drinking from the fertile cooler. Instead, I just snuggle with H a little longer.

We have some bumps along the way, but I am trying my hardest to remain positive and look at the things we are doing to complete our family.