96 years old and still as harmonious as ever...

A YOUNG lady just rang me and asked if she could tell me about some research about married couples and what they most liked and disliked about each other.

Published: 00:01, Fri, February 22, 2013

“You could tell me about it,” I said, “but whether it would be a profitable use of your time or mine, I can’t say.”

“It’s a survey for eHarmony,” she said, “to find out the most irritating features and most endearing quirks couples have about each other.”

This added nothing to what she had said before, so I made no comment.

“For instance,” she went on, “we found that the thing men most love is that their partners put up with their moods. Forty-two per cent of men listed that as one of the features they found most endearing.”

“I’m not sure that is a good thing,” I said, “for 42 per cent of men, according to another recent survey, are worried about becoming unfit and overweight. That worry no doubt puts them in a bad and anxious mood, and if their women put up with it, that suggests they don’t care and will have no qualms about feeding their menfolk with fattening and unhealthy foods. No wonder the men are worried.”

“The thing men find most annoying is that their women take a long time to get ready, which 28 per cent of them list as a top grievance,” she went on.

“That’s outrageous,” I protested, “for 28 per cent of people add no sauce to their bacon butties, so what’s taking up all the time? They must be insisting on having a fattening and unhealthy bacon sandwich before getting ready, and they’ll probably offer him one too. No wonder the poor chap worries about putting on weight.”

“On the other hand,” she continued, “29 per cent of women say they love the fact that their man is happy to do household chores.”

“And 29 per cent of people like brown sauce on their bacon butties,” I pointed out. “The wretched woman is not only delaying the poor fellow by wolfing down a bacon sandwich before going out, but she’s expecting him to put the brown sauce on it for her.”

“Women say their greatest annoyance is that their men can never find anything,” she said.

“Ha!” I ha-ed. “It all fits so well. He can’t find the brown sauce, which is why she does not have any sauce on her bacon sarnie.”

“Twenty per cent of women list messiness as a major annoyance,” she persevered.

“Well perhaps,” I suggested, “she should put her own sauce on the butty and take personal responsibility for any mess. In any case, 20 per cent of people like cooking stir-fry, so perhaps they should try that instead. It’s probably far healthier than an endless diet of bacon sarnies.”

“What women like most,” she added, “is that their men make them laugh.”

“How callous!” I protested. “These women make the men late, feed them unhealthy food, complain at them spilling the sauce, then laugh at them getting fat. I fear such un-eHarmonious relationships are doomed.”