John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Sadly, it's all too common that we're confronted with family, financial, and property issues that distract us from the real issue—our broken hearts. (Published 3/5/2013)

Q:

My mom died three months ago. We lived upstairs from her, and I was her health care proxy and did so much with her and for her. I was at the hospital two and three 3 times a day. One thing I remember is her asking me if I was giving up on her because I was late getting to the rehab to see her one time. I told her I'd never give up on her. There's much more, but it's a long story. Also, now that she's died, my family has decided to clean out and sell her condo, and they've gotten rid of all her possessions. My husband, my 14year-old son, and I are still living in the condo, wo when it sells, we'll have to find a place to live. I'm suffering a lot from this and am depressed. I don't know how to deal with it all. My family's not speaking to me, and honestly I don't know why. I'm having a hard time with the house being up for sale. I needed more time. How can I start feeling better? I miss my Mom so, so very much.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Diane,

Sadly, at some of the most painful grief moments in our lives, we are confronted with family, financial, and property issues that distract us from the real issue—our broken hearts.

Adding the survival question of where you and your family will live, compounds it even more.

So let us offer this: that this is a painful and awkward situation, and that we hear you loud and clear. Obviously we can’t fix the situation, and you will have your own degree of difficulty to overcome your immediate survival needs, but hopefully being heard and acknowledged will give you some hope and courage to move forward.

As to what you can do to help yourself feel better: When you have time, go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you’ll be able to recapture a sense of well-being and also regain some of the energy you need to take care of the mountain of things in front of you.