who are you, really?

I kind of have two lives, I guess – my online life and my offline life.

In my offline life I go to work every day and I have to do boring tasks like fill my car up with petrol and go to dentist appointments, in my online life I get to express myself and talk about things that make me happy, I get to connect with the people that came from the same star as I did.

On this blog I just kind of exist the way I want to and if someone was to ever ask me who I was this is what I’d show them, because it’s the innermost thoughts and workings of my mind. I talk about what I love here whether it’s people, music, books etc. I talk about my mental health and how I’m feeling, I talk about the fact that last week I wanted to throw myself in front of a car and this week I’m feeling a lot happier again. I talk about my tattoos and explain them all in great detail, which I don’t necessarily do in real life because I have no time to explain things to people who would never understand.

I’ve noticed that when I explain my tattoos to people, I don’t explain them but rather, try to justify them – I make excuses and say things like “I know it’s silly, but…” and then afterwards sit to myself and think, why did I just do that? Why did I just try to justify something so personal to me, like it’s anyone else’s business anyway? I don’t know. Because I feel like I have to make excuses for myself maybe – it’s a confidence thing and something to do with being a woman where I’m made to feel like I take up too much space and have to say sorry for everything , which then transfers into other parts of my life too like, for example, explaining the ink on my skin.

In ‘real life’ (though everything feels so fake these days I’m not sure how it got that name), when people ask me what the meanings are behind the tattoos I either don’t tell them and leave it as a mystery, or I’ll just say something along the lines of “Oh, it’s because I liked the way it looked.”

But what is real life, really? My online life is more real than my offline life. There are two sides to me and I’m myself in each of them however, the online me is more real, believe it or not – I feel like I can freely express myself this way. Like I said, if someone was to ever ask me who I was I’d direct them to my “online presence” for lack of better wording, I am who I say I am – there’s no one to tell you that you’re wrong because you can create yourself exactly the way you want to be. There’s no one to say “well, that’s not true because you don’t do that in real life”. How do you know that I’m even myself in real life – are any of us really?

“Everyone has a chapter they don’t read out loud.”

I’ve mentioned it before in thispost but people will create versions of you in their minds that are easy for them to understand, because people always want to put you in a box. They want to label you and fit you into a certain category because it’s easier for them to understand you that way – because they get frustrated when they can’t place you anywhere.

“Your ego will do everything it can to stop you from changing and growing, especially since you’re attempting to obliterate the very identity that you and everyone else has come to know as ‘you’.” – Jen Sincero, You are a Badass

“Sometimes people think they know you. They know a few facts about you, and they piece you together in a way that makes sense to them. And if you don’t know yourself very well, you might even believe that they are right. But the truth is, that isn’t you. That isn’t you at all.” – Leila Sales, This Song Will Save Your Life

I’m a million different people and I’m someone different to everybody – we all are. I struggle with my identity sometimes in the sense that I feel like I’m so many things and I want to be so many things that I can’t be all of them at once, I’m constantly moving and changing and growing and I can never stay in the same place for very long, I’m constantly on the move – I’m constantly becoming inspired and the person I was two weeks ago is not the person I am today, the person I was two years ago is not the person I am today, and that’s where people get it wrong.

People think that because they ‘knew’ you in high school four years ago, they still know you now. They think that in the last four years you haven’t changed a single bit and are still the same person they ‘knew’ back then and fair enough there are exceptions, there still may be some people that haven’t changed yet but, for the rest of us? Not the case.

I use the term ‘knew’ lightly because in this day and age, does anyone really know anybody? Unless you’re soul mates, best friends and pretty much inseparable or however you’d like to describe it – does anyone really know you? How many people suffer in silence? How many people are fighting a battle you know nothing about? Think about it. Think about it a lot.

I don’t have a soul mate or a best friend or whatever, so I know that no one really knows me, but they try to and they’ll pretend that they do. I don’t share myself like that ‘in real life’, I don’t give those parts of myself to people, and why? Because it would fall on deaf ears I guess – it would be wasted energy. I don’t have time for that like I said, I don’t have energy to waste trying to explain and justify myself to people who would never understand.

Some people will get you and some people won’t, that’s just the way the world works.

So where do I put those parts of myself that I don’t share with the ‘real world’?

Here.

Because this is my world, because I choose to be myself here. I can either choose to ‘label’ myself as the person I am in reality which isn’t fully me, or I can ‘label’ myself as my true and honest self that I choose to project here in my ‘online presence’.

Which one are you?

I’m still me of course, if you met me in real life I’d still be the same person, I just don’t talk about the things in ‘real life’ that I talk about on here, because there’d be no point – who would I tell it to? These days people don’t really talk and they don’t really listen either, everyone’s always caught up doing their own thing – in their own world that they’ve created for themselves, and that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I have to talk sometimes, I can’t keep everything in forever or I’d probably combust.

“I must write or I shall die of grief.”

If my favourite artist has just brought out a brand new album, I need to talk about it, I need to get that out somewhere and let the universe know that I love this person and the things they’re doing – same for everything, I need to tell someone that my mental health is getting worse because I’m probably terrified and hoping it benefits someone else who can relate to it and know they’re not alone. I need to say things because there’s so much in my head that I can’t keep track of all of it and I want someone to know it was there, I want to feel like I exist. I need to keep track because if I never document it…who will ever know? Who will ever know who I really was? Who will ever know who and what I loved or what I thought about on my 20th birthday? If I never said it out loud, did it even exist at all?

The amount of times I’ll say or do something and people say “Wow, I had no idea you did that” or “Wow, I had no idea you liked that” is insane, and why? Because I don’t tell people, I don’t talk about myself like that because it instantly opens you up to judgement and guess who doesn’t have time for that? This girl. (Though I will admit it’s always nice to see the look on people’s faces when they discover things I’ve known the whole time). I’d rather just stay comfortable and drama free and keep things to myself – I don’t feel the need to talk. I’d rather just live in my own little happy bubble and share that with people who actually care – people who ask how are you doing? But really, how are you doing?

Talk is cheap sometimes, there’s so much scrutiny and judgement and gossiping out there these days that I’ve just completely taken myself away from all of it for the sake of my sanity and mental health in general – why do I want to expose and surround myself with all of that? I never have and I never will, my whole life I’ve always been a drama free person. I mentioned it in thispost but I’m so careful with the things I expose myself to nowadays because at the end of it all I just want to be happy and enlightened, not brought down by hearing and seeing things from people that just love the sound of their own voice. So many people are talking, but no one is actually saying anything.

I’ve said this before (a thousand times now probably, so apologies if it’s getting repetitive) but this ‘blog’ for me isn’t a blog – I’m not a blogger, I’m a writer. I’m not trying to market myself or sell my work as a brand, I’m not creating content to get sponsors or followers…I’m just writing, and it’s so overwhelmingly heart warming that people enjoy that – people enjoy me just being myself.

If I was to try and fit in with the term ‘blogger’ as it’s known, I’d feel uncomfortable, because that’s not me, and in a place where I pride myself on being my true authentic self, giving in to the pressures of societal / internet norms is the last thing on my agenda. There was a period around a year ago where I felt myself drifting into this ‘blogger’ stereotype and I hated it, I could feel it happening and there were certain things I’d post and think…why did I do that? That’s not me at all.

I don’t know where I was going with this post other than the fact that I’m so grateful to have this space where I can confidently be myself because I know that people understand me or if I say something crazy people aren’t going to raise their eyebrows and say hey…what’s wrong with that girl?

I’m so grateful for this space here where I can talk about whatever the hell I want – artists, books, tattoos, mental health…things I did on the weekend. Anything. It really allows me to breathe, it gives me a space to mould and change and continue to build on the person I want to become. Like I said, I struggle to have a general identity because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or what I want from life, society says that at almost 21 I should’ve already figured that out by now but fuck it. Who wants to follow the rules anyway, who wants to be a stereotype?

I feel like I have an identity crisis at least 8 times a day but you know, I’m sure I’m not the only one. I am whoever I say I am and if that changes from one day to the next then so be it, it’s all just a big learning curve. It’s just another thing helping me grow and change into the woman I will eventually become but even then, I will always continue to grow. We will never stop learning and flourishing, that is a constant part of life just like the rivers that flow in you and me. Bathe in them, take it all in. Wander for a little while. Find out who you are and change it, make people confused, don’t let them put you in a box because guess what? This life is for you, not them. Live it.

19 thoughts on “who are you, really?”

This is such an amazing post in so many ways. It’s kind of difficult for me to sum everything up, because gosh I feel like I could write an entire book about it. Your situation makes me feel a bit sad, most of all because I wished you lived closer so we could become friends. I’d love to fill out the space of your ‘missing’ best friend. Everyone deserves someone who they love talking to. And your definitely included. You’re such an amazing person, and I feel absolutely honored to be able to read about the ‘real’ Chloe. I so so hope that you’ll find that someone. In fact I know you will – and before you know it they’ll be standing right in front of you.
If you’re ever insecure about you not being good enough – then my only words will be: YES YOU ARE! You’re the most amazing, talented & stunning girl ever ❤
If you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to – then my advice would be: YES you bloody do! Look at the amount of love and support you get on this blog. You're never alone (not in the creepy way, but I hope you get what I mean haha)
If you feel like you don't have anyone to physically talk to – then I can only say: Just wait and see ❤ I know you'll meet that someone before you know it.
Lots of love from Me ❤ xxxx

Ohh angel 😦 💗 this made me smile SO much you have no idea, wow. Thank you so so so so SO much. I’m so grateful for people like you. I wish we lived closer too! There is a little space that needs to be filled but for right now I’m filling it up with myself – I’m becoming my own best friend I guess, so maybe there is a positive to come out of it. This means the whole world to me and you are the most wonderful angel 💞 thank you so so much, all my love to you xxxxx

Awww Chloe! Thank you so so so much. I’m glad to hear that you’re trying to fill the space out with yourself. I just want to make sure that you’re aware of the amount of support I’m ready to give ❤ xxx

Honestly, I absolutely love your blog because I feel like we’ve all watched you absolutely blossom into this more carefree, kickass, REAL and authentic you and it’s such a beautiful journey to witness! I honestly think one of the most important things for your mental health, self-respect and just overall happiness is to know, understand and love yourself ❤

Damn, I can feel every word what you wrote in my heart. I have tears in my eyes. I love you so much Chloe and I’m so grateful to know you 😍😭😭 We have never met and I feel such a strong friendship. It’s not strange at all because I also love people who are open, can be vulnerable and honest like you are. I can relate to every word of this beautiful post. Unfortunately, I also always say sorry and explain things to people when I don’t need to. I’m learning to stop it. I also thought sometimes that I had to be that stereotype blogger but hell no. Always be yourself and be writers ❤️ People can be so fake nowadays. I agree with you that nobody is actually listening but just living their own lives. I also never thought that I could be myself on my blog. There are so many good people out there and you are one of them. You are a bright star which shines in the darkness. You belong here and are beautiful 🌟

I love you so much toooooo angel you have no idea how much this means ❤ THANK YOU. Sometimes you don’t need to meet people in order to have that connection and we definitely have the biggest connection!! I’m so glad this little space has allowed me to meet wonderful people like you. You always understand where I’m coming from! You’re the best, always remember that!! Love you xxx

Okay sooo…. Let me just start off by saying that Chloe, you are a beautiful person. And yes, I might not be the best person to judge this, after all, I don’t know you “in real life”. But every time you write something I see your personality shine through. Through every word you write, I feel like I get to know YOU even more. What you write is so human, beautiful, honest and raw and it speaks to me so damn much. All I know is this: your blog has helped me in more ways than you know.

I do that thing too. The thing where you justify yourself even though you don’t have to. I think it’s my twisted way of shielding myself against judgement. xxx

Ah your words are so appreciated as always💕 I didn’t want this post to sound like I’m two different people because that’s not the case, I think a better way of saying it is that I’m a lot more reserved / guarded “in real life”, I don’t speak about a lot of things therefore not many people know a lot about me and even if they do, it’s still not all of me – because of this they probably have a different perception of me in their heads, for example just because I don’t speak about a certain musical artist they’d probably assume I don’t like them when actually, I could be their biggest fan. Does that make sense?

I’m so glad this space has helped you, it truly means the world to me and I hope we can continue to help each other on this little journey. you know your blog has always been one of my favourites. All my love to you as always xxx

It makes absolute sense because it’s the same for me too. I’m a fairly introverted person as it is and in addition, I value my privacy A LOT. I don’t share everything with everyone in my life because… that’s not me. That’s why getting to know me in person can sometimes be a long process, I have a lot of friends who describe me as “mysterious” to this day. People get little chunks of my personality all the time, I feel like my blog is just a summary of a lot of my thoughts, things I like, my stance on different topics – all in one place. All my love back, sometimes I feel like you understand me SO WELL because we work in such similar ways xxx

I swear we’re the same person sometimes, what you’ve just described is EXACTLY me. I used to like being called mysterious but I’m not so sure anymore. It made me realise how guarded I actually was but like you, I value my privacy a lot. I don’t want to share parts of myself with people who have no intention of embracing / accepting them. I’d rather keep most things to myself where I know they’re safe xxx

I love this post! I think it is everything I have ever wanted to say in words, words that I have never been able to put it into. I love that you allow others to read your words, even though they are only ever written for yourself and never for self-promotion, as I have found them so helpful. xx

Thank you! My words are always written for myself and anyone else who needs them, I’ve said it before but the reason I write so in depth is because people are so accepting of what I have to say, so it makes me comfortable enough to share my thoughts and the innermost workings of my mind .xx

“Above all else, it is about leaving a mark that I existed: I was here. I was hungry. I was defeated. I was happy. I was sad. I was in love. I was afraid. I was hopeful. I had an idea and I had a good purpose and that’s why I made works of art.”