parenthood

One Christmas, my parents bought all my toys at yard sales. Maybe they did this other years, too, but I specifically remember my mom telling me about this particular year. One of the gifts was a 70s metal dollhouse was a dream come true.

I posted this story on Instagram, asking you to tell us something that your parents did that they might have felt fell short at the time, but that felt like magic to you as a child.

The stories you told were absolutely heartwarming and I wanted to share them here today.

“When I was a kid, on Sunday nights my mom would make popcorn, M&Ms, apple slices, and root beer floats for dinner. She was in medical school and was exhausted. We watched America’s Funniest Home videos together and I thought it was the most magical night. Now as a momma myself, I realize that she was too tired to cook and needed a break.”

“After my parents got divorced, my mom lived in a small, one bedroom apartment. She, my sister, and I all slept in one room- my sister and I alternated between sleeping in bed with my mom and sleeping on a body pillow on the floor. It felt like an adventure and the best sleepover ever! Getting to sleep on the floor on a body pillow was the prime spot. Always felt magical!”

“Our parents took us to Toys R Us on Christmas Eve and let us pick one gift. Later I learned that this was because they had no money before then.”

“My parents couldn’t afford a Cabbage Patch Kids doll, so my mom made me one. I had no idea, until high school, that they weren’t genuine.”

“For several years, I remember my mom driving us to the country roads, taking a machete to cut down a small Charlie Brown-esque tree to spray paint white so we could decorate it for Christmas. I don’t actually remember if there were actually any gifts under the tree, but I remember those trees.”

“When I was 10, my mother spent months hand sewing Barbie and doll clothes for a Christmas. We lived in Germany and finding doll clothes was next to impossible. She apologized as I opened it because they weren’t ‘real’ but there were hundreds of unique outfits that I fell in love with. As an adult, now I know how much she put into it and it will always remain one of the best present she ever gave me. I kept and passed them on to my own daughter.”

“We had literally no money. Dinner was my parents sitting at the dinner table with us and saying they weren’t hungry, so my brother and I could eat. So, one year we were five and six my mom went to the dollar store and got a few coloring books, a couple boxes of crayons, a few packs of socks, a couple candy bars- stuff like that. We thought it was so awesome that we didn’t get clothes that year and were SO happy. When I was a new mom, with Christmas on its way, my mom told me she cried that year because Christmas couldn’t be more for us. I told her that was one of our favorite Christmases because it was so different than all the others, and we hated getting clothes!”

“Our lights got shut off more than a few times growing up. My mom said it made her cry at night and feel genuinely awful, but we thought candlelit pizza picnics inside were literally magic.”

“My mom was a young, divorced single mom until I was almost 5. It was nearly impossible to make ends meet. She used to let me build cities in the kitchen for my dinky cars with pots and pans, and cookie sheets as ramps. She’d let me dress up in her clothes and we’d have a dance party. We got everywhere on her bike with a kids seat on the back, or by bus. All magical.”

Share these stories with someone who could use reassuring that a magical childhood doesn’t come from parental perfection or and endless budget.

Your kids will remember the time you spend with them and the feelings they had. They don’t have the frame of reference or the experience to know when something isn’t going to plan or isn’t the way you remember it being when you were a child.

The tiniest moments will feel like magic to your kids. Remember this the next time you feel like you’re failing or even flailing. If you did your best and you loved your kids today, that’s all that matters and you’re doing great.

Today we’re sharing a guest post from teacher and mom-of-two, Jennifer Marie. She originally posted this message on Facebook and has given us permission to publish it here.

Let’s be nicer to one another, ok?

I originally thought this would be a post about parenthood, but it felt like it was bigger than that.

I don’t know if it’s a personal or societal pressure (or both) but honestly, you can’t do it all. I know we feel like sometimes we can but we just can’t.

We can’t be the attentive parent, best friend, coworker, spouse/partner, house keeper, role model, entrepreneur, community leader… all at 100% all the time.

And I beat myself up a lot over this.

Why can’t I be all those things at the exact same time?

Why am I so bad at keeping in touch with friends I used to spend every weekend with or text everyday?

Why is my house always in a state of “oh shit, I need to clean this now before someone stops by!”

Why is my brain is always convincing me I could be be so much more with my kids 24/7 and feeling immense guilt when I don’t?

Why can’t I schedule a weekly date night with my love like they do on TV?

Because we can’t.

And the harder we try to, the quicker we burn out and start to feel like crap.

Even with all the plentiful blessings and wonders around us… we feel like we are lacking. And I know I am not lacking in this life. I don’t have all the monetary riches in the world but I am a very wealthy woman.

So, whether you’re baby is a real living person, your business you built, a fur baby, an empire, be gentle on yourself and those around you.

Because if we start small in our own circles, then it will slowly ripple out to a bigger pool and maybe one day we won’t feel the need to compare to some imaginary standard that none of us are reaching. ??

We’re good at this parenting a baby thing, and I’m owning that. It’s a fun place to be, and the complete opposite of how we felt when we had our first baby.

When Kendall was a baby, I constantly found myself telling people, “I don’t know. Don’t ask me. I’m not an expert. This is hard.” And he was hard. He was a hard baby, and we were rigid parents. The whole experience was hard.

But now, 4 babies into it, we’re broken in, and it’s fun. 90% of the time, it’s really fun.

Stephanie Totty is contributing today, and I LOVE this message. It’s certainly a great reminder for me right now. There is no possible way I’ll get everything done this crazy time of year. AND THAT IS OK.

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This has always been my favorite time of year. For the most part, I grew up on the East Coast, and I always loved the leaves changing, going to the pumpkin patch, starting back to school (ahem: new school supplies), and the holidays. My parents always had something fun planned for us – something as small as the Fall Festival at my school, or as big as a weekend camping trip to the Appalachian Mountains.

I look back at my childhood and one huge thing resonates with me: how the hell did my parents have time for all of this, and more importantly, how the hell did they stay sane throughout?

No really, I look back at those years as an elementary-aged kid – at all the dance/gymnastics/ice skating/horse-back-riding lessons/Brownies, the weekend road trips, the extra “fun” stuff, the field trip chaperone time, and after thinking “gee, I had such a freaking charmed life”, all I can think about is how the hell my parents stayed sane in during this time in their lives when they were constantly barraged with crap to do, and how they stayed so calm during it all.

Somehow, I must not have inherited their patience because: eff that noise. I am ALWAYS stressed out. Work, the commute, tee-ball practice, family dinners, homework, pumpkin patches, school book fairs, grocery shopping, hire someone to trim our trees, oops the water heater has exploded, car needs an oil change, clean the house, work trip, schedule family photos … all of this piles on top of itself in my brain and I have small (okay, huge) mental meltdowns at least twice a week.

And it’s not like I work any harder or have any special circumstances making things *really* hard – my kids are healthy, my family is stable and nearby for help, we have a small but nice house to come home to in the evenings. There are people out there with REAL reasons to be stressed out on a daily basis – I am not one of them.

All that said, as a working mom, I frequently get asked “Oh my gosh, how do you do it all? How do you juggle a long day at work, and then all the house and kid’s stuff?!”

The answer is: I don’t.

We ditched my oldest’s tee-ball practice because it was the only night we were going to be able to get to the local pumpkin patch as a family. My yard is a freaking disaster zone. I haven’t dusted the furniture in our master bedroom in probably several months. My car is 3k miles overdo for an oil change. We don’t always have home-cooked meals at the table in the evenings.

But here’s the thing – in order to maintain my sanity, I have given myself permission to NOT do it all. When the mental checklist in my head is so long it’s now unraveled all the way to my toes, I just tell myself “this will not all get done, pick out the things that MUST happen, and ignore the rest until next week”. And when next week rolls around? Rinse, repeat.

In reality, I know my parents weren’t perfect, they didn’t always have it together. I know they got stressed, I know they argued, I know they had their breakdowns – but those aren’t the moments I remember as a now-grown adult. Hopefully, that’s what my boys will say when they grow up, that they don’t remember the things that didn’t happen, they only remember the fun things that did happen.

Some people might call this philosophy “half-ass parenthood”, I call it “enjoying life”. Which, in the end, is the most important part, right? Not hitting every single item on the checklist, but enjoying the ones that we’re able to make happen.

What are some things you will probably not get checked off your list this year? I’m giving up the dream of decorating the outside of our home to look like a gingerbread house, and putting up decorations in a freshly, fully repainted home. And also probably things like being able to park in the garage or walk through our playroom.

Oh hey there! I’m back from a little break I didn’t intend on taking. Technically, it was spring break here last week. We didn’t have anything big planned. I thought I’d blog a little. Obviously I grossly miscalculated what a butt-kicking 3 kids full time without Scott here would be.

His work trips are always perfectly timed.

Per usual, the weeks without him start out great. I have a PLAN. And I ATTACK. And I clean the house before bed.

Then as the week progresses, I lose hope, give up, and just sit in bed after the kids go to sleep, catching up on this season of Parenthood while the dirty dishes grow yogurt.

Speaking of Parenthood (and please don’t spoil it because I’m only halfway caught up with this season… oh, Julia) it sparked a big epiphany for me!

I came up with the name Lowell after seeing it flash by in the credits of some show or movie, but I couldn’t ever remember which one. I just saw it once very early in the pregnancy. I loved it so much that I was afraid to suggest it to Scott, for fear I’d start the irrational pregnant ugly cry if he shot it down.

Turns out, though, he loved it because some scientist? Or astronomist? Astrologer? No, I think astronomy person (spell check is saying astronomist is not a word, but you know, science-y people who study space). Anyway, he immediately gave his stamp of approval. It was the easiest name to settle on ever, and for that reason, I was positive I was going to have a girl.

Anyway, that’s the first screen that flashes after an episode of Parenthood is over. So that must be where I got it!

“Well, yeah, but since you’re not here, I figured I’d wait and watch it with you when you get home,” I replied as I wiped off the kitchen counters.

Parenthood is the one show that’s “ours.” We watch it together, never apart. We wait for weekends when we can sit down and catch up on episodes from the iPad app (since we’re cable and DVR free) if we have to. It’s our thing.

(These are the things you have to resort to when date-nights are hard to come by and trips to the movies happen once a year.)

Ahhhh…. look who TV Premier cheated on me? Glad he had the good sense to go ahead and tell me about it so I could cheat on him, too, and we could call it even.

So I sat down with a beer and enjoyed every minute of the first episode of the new season of Parenthood. I love this show. It speaks to me.

I really like the new “God” story line they brought in, too, though I know that’s getting some resistance from many. The thing is, I can totally relate to being a spiritual family and believing in God, but not feeling comfortable with religion, personally, and then trying to balance that with allowing my kids to make their own choices when it comes to all that. I’m glad it’s a topic they’re exploring because I think that’s how a lot of households look these days.

2. Don’t always trust your doctor– blindly, that is- sort of goes back to the whole educating yourself thing- YOU are you child’s best advocate

3. Trust your gut– even though sometimes it will tell you the exact opposite of every other member of your family- these are YOUR choices to make

4. Own your choices– no matter what it is you decide to do, if you’ve educated yourself and analyzed your situation enough to trust your gut to make a decision, what more can you do? Own it. It’s the BEST YOU CAN DO.

5. Don’t let other’s choices make you feel any less or more of a mother– THIS. IS. HARD. To be honest, I struggle with this one every day- on both sides. Just remember you are doing the BEST YOU CAN DO and so are they… hopefully… but that’s really none of your business… unless they leave the kid in the car with a 10 lb bag of crack and a rabid dog… then intervene because that is some shitty parenting and I encourage you to judge, judge, judge.

6. Cut yourself some slack– I’m serious. This is another one I struggle with a lot. Caring for another, smaller human doesn’t make us superhuman. We are allowed to feel tired, sick, annoyed, stressed. We are allowed to let all the balls drop, to just sit on the couch while the house is falling apart around us, children jumping off of couches with sharp-ish objects in their hands, dirty dishes piled to the sky in the kitchen, small animal sized dust balls blowing across the floor, and not GIVE A DAMN.

I challenge any one of you with a kid over the age of 18 months to tell me this has not been a scene from your life at some point or another. It happens to ALL OF US at some point. Yes, even that perky, put together, pearl-wearing mom who’s always perfectly pressed for the play date, it happens to her, too.

7. Allow yourself to change– So you did your research and you owned your choices and now you’re not so sure about them? You know what? No big deal. So staying at home didn’t work out and you want to go back to work? Fine! So you thought you’d never, ever, ever let your kids watch TV, but now it’s the only way to get 15 minutes of peace? That’s okay! Parenthood is all about being flexible and eating all those words that started with “I will never…”

8. Stick to your guns– Sometimes you think you need to cave on something you felt so passionately about, but doing so would compromise your values and the example you want to set for your children. Another confusing one, I know, because while parenthood is all about being flexible, it’s also about knowing which battles are worth the big fight and then fighting them.

9. Don’t box yourself in– You don’t have to be any “type” of parent. You don’t have to abide by every rule in any book. You should always make the choices that work for you and your family, even if, in this world that loves to put groups of people in uniform boxes, those choices seem to contradict each other.

I’ve always considered myself a bit of a hybrid parent, and for a long while it kind of bothered me. Was I an Attachment Parent? Was I a Modern Parent? Was I a Traditional Parent? Why did I have to be any one of them? I was just… me… just doing what felt right, and while I can associate with a lot of different “types” of parents, I don’t feel the need to wholly belong to just one.

10. Love your children– If every choice you make is with the love you have for your children in mind, how can you go wrong? Just love them in the best way you know how, and try to get better at it every day. Know that there will be some days that are harder than others and be OKAY with that.

None of those had anything to do with the manner in which you transport your baby around or what you use to collect their poop. Make the educated choices that feel right to you, own them, allow yourself to change your mind and just roll with it. I think that’s what it all boils down to.

I wrote this list within a post nearly 2 years ago, in response to an article that was circulating at the time. I found it in my archives last night and thought this list deserved a re-post. If anything, it was a good reminder for myself.

In case you’ve been living under an internet-less rock, or you haven’t been frequenting the parenting-blogger circuit and every major media outlet this week, there was recently a family that handed out apology notes, along with “favors,” to passengers on a plane to apologize in advance for their 14 week old twins who may get fussy on the flight.

Now, this idea doesn’t seem new to me. I’ve heard of parents offering ear-plugs to passengers seated next to them and their baby on planes. And, it’s not that I’m judging the gesture because I GET how stressful flying with a baby (or babies, in this case) can be. If offering small favors and a note of apology help you feel better about the situation, and give you a little more control over the anxiety that comes with trapping yourself and your infant(s) 20,000 feet in the air while the pressure changes constantly and you’re hard-pressed to find a space big enough to change a diaper, then you do what you gotta do. Truly, more power to you.

It’s just that the reaction to this has been, from what I’ve seen, so overwhelmingly “Well, now THAT is how you should fly with babies. WHAT A NICE THING TO DO!” And frankly, that sorta pisses me off.

Kristen Chase addressed this earlier this week. If that is how we should be flying with babies, by offering apologies before they are even warranted (along with bags of candy), then I want to know where my apology and Jolly Rancher is from every asshole about to board a plane who’s going to make my flight less comfortable in some way. But of course, I don’t really expect that (and would be a little weirded out, truthfully, if I got it) because as much as they annoy me, they have just as much right to be on that plane as I do.

It’s a form of transportation, not a leisurely carriage ride through Fairy Land.

I guess what I’m mainly concerned with is expectation following this because, while some may have the time and desire to create hundreds of apology notes and favors for every passenger of the plane they’re about to board with a baby, I’m lucky to be packed by 2 a.m. the night before and not forget diapers and wipes. If an apology is warranted from me or my children, you will get it by way of my ragged mouth or a wave of my tired hand, which is likely crusted in toddler snot and lollipop slime, exhausted from trying every trick in the book to keep my kid from annoying you on the plane.

So please, I beg of all of you, let’s not turn this into a “thing.” Let’s not start putting up free printables for Airplane Apologies. Let’s not start pinning this shit. Let’s not let this become something that is EXPECTED of us.