A little story for all the waiting bee's out there…

My (now FI) proposed at the beginning on January. He was acting very spacey and distant for a few days and I told him that I had noticed and if there was anything he wanted to talk about, I’m here to listen. At that point, he told me that that a proposal was coming “very soon” and he’s just had a lot on his mind lately. However, past experiences have led me to think and believe that his “very soon” and my “very soon” are two very different things. My idea of “very soon” is right now (or yesterday) which isn’t the case with him. So, at the end of the day, I didn’t know if a proposal would be coming in a week or two months.

After our little talk, he made plans for us to go to our favourite place the following weekend, so I was hopeful. But I had been hopeful 150 times before then so I was trying not to get my hopes up. To my shock, he proposed that weekend. After the proposal, he had told me that he had the ring for several months (I think he had bought it back in September) When the proposal came, I was completely shocked because I didn’t even know that he had purchased a ring..so of course, I didn’t care that he had been hiding it for several months.

Prior to becoming a “waiting bee” we discussed engagement quite frequently. I wouldn’t say that I “nagged” him about it (he would probably tell you that I nagged), but nevertheless, I definitely brought it up way more than I probably should have. Every time I would bring it up, he would say “soon, be patient and trust me” It was frustrating (very frustrating) because we had been together over 4 years, lived together for 3.5 years and bought an actual house together 17 months ago. Our friends were getting engaged or married and we were hounded by everyone, constantly. I was more than ready to be engaged and take that next step. So trust me, I know and understand the frustration. But at the end of the day, I also knew that we would be together forever and that he wasn’t just stringing me along or taking advantage of me and our situation.

I had backed off the proposal and engagement talk a couple months prior to the proposal and officially joined the SIU pact early December. However, I noticed that after I stopped bringing up marriage, he pretty much did as well. It would frustrate me thinking he doesn’t even notice all this effort I’m making or that he’s not even thinking about proposing or marriage, but that wasn’t the case at all.

Minutes after proposing, my FI told me that he had noticed that I hadn’t brought it up in awhile and the little bit of space I gave him was just what he needed. This was something that was really important for me to hear. And my point of telling this story is because maybe this is something one of you bee’s might need to hear right now, too. My FI needed to work through the process on his own without the outside influence and pressure (even if it wasn’t intended pressure, it was still pressure in his eyes) He also wanted to surprise me and that wouldn’t be possible if I kept bringing it up every day.

I joined the SIU pact because I realized that I didn’t want our engagement to feel like it happened because it was discussed so much or because it’s what I wanted. I had to know that it was something that he wantedand was ready for 100%. I really believe it is something that someone needs to be okay and ready for on their own terms. Like I said, I knew we would be together forever so I realized that there was no reason for me to try and rush him. Forever is a really long time and I also realized that we’re going to be married for far more years that I’m going to be a “waiting bee”. 25 years down the road, a few more months of waiting isn’t going to matter.

I just wanted to let all you waiting bee’s know my little story (especially those of you in the SIU pact) I’m not saying that my story will apply to everyone, but you all know your SO’s and you know your relationship. If marriage is something that you’re fairly certain will happen in your future, then trust me when I say they don’t forget just because you’ve stopped bringing it up. I know this is easy for me to say now that I’m engaged, but I was right there with you during all those hard and frustrating days. And believe me when I say, it will feel so much better when that proposal happens and you know it’s something they want and are ready for 100% as well.

I’m trying really hard not to talk about it at this point too. It’s so hard, though! He has the ring! But, like you said, I want to know that he was 100% ready and I don’t want to feel like I pushed him into it in any way. I’m always the one to bring up wedding stuff. I think the longest I’ve gone since we ordered the ring was about 3 days. Gotta work on that.

I joined the SIU pact beginning of December and it was a little over a month after that he proposed. But I had decided to stop bringing it up (as much) prior to December. I was probably actively and consciously trying to keep as quiet as possible for about 3 months. I would have slip ups during those few months (but they were very minor and usually consisted of “so and so just got engaged”) but then I would always change the topic as soon after as possible instead of trying to probe for timelines, etc.

It was difficult because like I said, he didn’t really bring it up either during those few months. Now I know it’s because he had a ring and was waiting until he felt 100% ready and he was also waiting for a perfect time to surprise me (which is a lot harder to do if you’re always discussing it)

My SO has just begun the ring shopping process. The last few days I’ve been trying not to bring it up, but it’s hard. I don’t think I was nagging him, but he probably thought I was. He actually told me that by me bringing it up all the time that it was actually going to postpone him actually proposing. I know it’s going happen so now I’m just trying to be quiet about it.

So helpful! I need to learn how to keep my big mouth shut. Easier said than done lol especially when 2 of his friends are getting married within the next couple of months, and I’m the MOH in the second wedding.

So glad you all found this helpful!! Hang in there bees and stay strong! Some days are much harder than others, but it’s so worth it all when that proposal happens and you know without a doubt, it was something your partner was ready for and wanted 100% as well!

So glad I read this today. I’ve been waiting since the fall, and I know for a fact he has the ring. He doesn’t know that I saw the box in his safe. It’s been so hard waiting, but I know it will be “soon” (his words). Desperately trying to keep my mouth shut, but as each day passes, it’s more and more difficult.

I didn’t find out about wb until after we were engaged. So I had never heard about the SIUP until here. But my hubs had put my ring on layaway in January 2012, finished paying for it in May 2012 and didn’t propose until September 2012. So he had it for a while. Haha. But I remember the last time we talked about getting engaged before he proposed (which was like a couple days) he had said that it probably want going to happen for a couple more months (he lied). And I remember thinking, you know. I’ve waited 3 years. What’s a couple more months.

And I also remember hoping every time we were together that that would be the time he would ask me, but on the day he asked, I wasn’t even thinking about it. I think for my situation it was a lot more about being content than about not talking about it anymore.

raylight: Thanks for sharing your story and Congratulations on your engagement!

I went through something similar with my FI (although I didn’t get the reassurances like you did as my man was completely against marriage at the time!). Anyway, it started causing quite a lot of heartache and we had a fair few arguments about it so one day I just decided to back off completely and made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to say another word about weddings, marriage, getting engaged etc

About 6/8 weeks later, FI proposed!

He has admitted since that he had been totally overwhelmed by it all before this and all my hints and conversations had actually stopped him from doing it earlier! Backing off gave him the space and time to realise how much he wanted it too 🙂

raylight: Your story is very, very much like mine. I waited for 2 years of a 4.5 -year relationship in which we had been living together for 3.5 years already. . . basically almost everything you described happening to you is similar to what happened to me, except I did know a little while in advance that he was at least in the process of buying a ring (I found things I shouldn’t have). I was a waiting bee for pretty much the whole time, so some bees here will remember me.

Anyway, I wanted to post and say that I’ve felt the same way. I managed to shut it up pretty well for a couple of months before he proposed. I never thought I nagged, but in my FI’s eyes I did. And by the time I stopped talking about it, he was already past his first hoped-for proposal date (a trip we went on that didn’t go quite as planned so wasn’t right for a proposal). So my not talking about it sure didn’t stop him from thinking about it– in fact the whole time he was thinking and worrying about the best way to propose!!!

I thought adding my similar story to yours might help some waiting bees too.

Thank you for sharing your story it gives me hope. I have been with my SO for over 5 years and he has had the ring for three months and the waiting is making me go crazy. I get that bringing it up does not help the issue so i too joined the SIU pact and reading some of the stories on here including yours has really helped me take it easy and not nag about it. I feel so much better after reading some of these stories and seeing that I am not the only one going thru the waiting game.

I made a promise to my self that i was not going to say anything and enjoy my relationship until the end of June. If by that time he still hasn’t proposed then I am walking away. I hope it doesn’t come to that but I think that I should also think about myself as well.

thank you for your story and congratulations on your engagement!!! Best wishes and hope everything goes as planned on your special day!