It is ironic how a slight attack could change everything. It’s uneasy to explain or make feelings coherent. After all, borderline personality disorder comes with bits and pieces from everything else. Sometimes anxiety, unexplained fears, and the worst of all DEPRESSION. BPD comes with its baggage, as if, we, humans need more burdens! The world is hard itself, surviving is an act of courage in the 21st century, what’s the point behind having unseen monster that carves out holes on our fragile existence. And no matter how much you fight, monitor those thoughts and plead….. Nothing leaves.

I remember few years ago when I took a challenging decision to quit medications, I knew its going to be uneasy ride in my emotional circus. But, today I would do it all over again, I would take the very same decisions. Because it helped me, when I browse online forums and read what people are saying about their experiences, I wonder if that could be me OR I am just another spectrum. I read words that I am completely unfamiliar with “Co-dependence, manipulation, emotional abuse” and I wonder if I have ever been like that, I wonder if my father’s death shaped the different case of borderline I came across. I isolated myself from the world and wrapped myself in darkness to be safe, I managed to learn dealing with my volatile mood. I confess I mastered manipulation, a skill I learned as a reaction to those who truly deserve it, however, at some point in my life I was done. I despised seeing myself getting dragged in the path branded by manipulation, that wasn’t me. I had to escape.

I learned to put myself in everyone’s shoes regardless, to forgive and accept an apology I will NEVER get. After all, I didn’t want to see a corrupted image of myself and use BPD as my ultimate scapegoat.

Now, I look back and process how did the past 5 years pass in an eye blink, where I am today and the price I paid…. A very expensive price and I am not sure if anything in the world is worth losing human being in the process.

I look back knowing that I am 200% stronger, capable of handling my past and controlling my demons… I know that every episode will eventually pass, every heartache will go, and while soul-ache remains; I am certain that life is bittersweet.

I wish I can simply explain everything to the people who care, but I can’t or won’t. I have to fight this battle alone, I am not used to have someone under my skin, I won’t put my guards down, or share my darkest moments. I remember a friend said that I tend to use grand wording, because my feelings are quite huge. He didn’t know that he defined me, I am larger than life.

– I still remember that day when words remained unsaid, when soul-aches pushed me apart like tornado, when my life changed and the roller-coaster ceased to define me. But I am fine… I can still swing in my personal opera, paint smiles out of sea waves, dance naked under the cold rain and breathe in silver moonlights.

Thoughts are like snakes tangling everything I am. Reality is intertwined with fantasy. I can no longer recognize myself or my dreams or what I am longing for…. I am lifeless, numb and ruined. Feelings are so huge that I am unable to create a coherent statement or explain how I feel. I wonder if tomorrow I can just vanish, disappear in existence like a forgotten feather that once witnessed remarkable moments and history through its flying journey.

But I am alive… I am alive even if surviving murders every ounce of my existence, I am alive even if memories are collection of razor blades torn my emotions, bleed and dance in my chaotic mind… my mind … my bitter sweet circus.

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– Advice from a fellow borderline, struggling daily with her personal contradictions:

‘’ When you feel you are losing yourself, and criticism affects; then it’s time to reconsider.’’

As a Borderline personality disorder patient (God bless Google, do not ask me for info) I struggle daily with my personal contradictions, mood swings and much more. When I decided to stop taking medications, I knew that it is not going to be easy. However, the bright side is mere CREATIVITY yes we are more flawed yet blessed with many talents.

‘’ Insanity is blessed with creativity’’

Since the past and recent centuries do not make sense, and the world adopts savage techniques everyday enhanced in the ’’protection laws’‘Please give me a damn break. The world is not beautiful and life became unbearable. When you decide to live for yourself and abandon put’ting yourself in people’s shoes then according to the lost human equation you=animals.

(Famines, poverty, unjustified wars, rape, domestic violence, child abuse, terrorism etc.) When you ignore thinking about these inhumane disasters that happens constantly, and you become a robot controlled by elites who are building modern savage communities ON PURPOSE. Eventually, you will adopt filthy methods that will be added to your habits (Apathy, gossip, hypocrisy, bullying etc.) if these pandemics became habits then life is not rainbows and butterflies, nothing makes sense and getting irritated from what we call life is completely reasonable.

‘’living only for yourself is absolute failure’’

The only proportion of people who should be excluded are those who suffer daily from our apathy. Those who sleep on boulevards while we are working for elites to increase their bank accounts, civilians who martyr daily out of violence which is mostly implemented by terrorists that are driven by ignorance, and directed by leaders who benefit. Soldiers who join the military driven by patriotic speeches thinking they fight for a cause, and end up dying in battle fields, forgotten in history while the so-called leaders lay back comfortably and gain authority which equals money and power, revolutionaries who fight for your rights while you are consciously delivering your country to another tyrant.

The reason I have just mentioned the previous incredible daily disasters is simply because when today’s society consider me: eccentric, insane, ugly unbeliever, psychotic or a whore justifying her bold attitude; I end up with one conclusion:

‘’ Today insanity was sanity at the past, and insanity is mere sanity in the modern world dictionary’’

My flaws are momentarily unbearable, my contradictions confuse people, my defensive attitude comes out of egoism; and sometimes it is hard to understand me. I am completely unpredictable BUT I am not hypocrite, I am somehow naïve, I am harmless even if my anger is urging me for revenge. I am not envious, and sometimes during my daily struggle I wish I was hypocrite liar, envious and evil because life would be much easier and predictable; then suddenly it hits me:

‘’My personal flaws can be improved-or at least explained. Nevertheless, Apathy and inhumanity are irreversible. Because, once you exchange yourself with machine heart, your humane traits will vanish and will be merely forgotten.’’

Finally yet importantly the world might have become a gloomy place, life irritates me daily-but as long as I am living I will seek solutions and fight apathy.