French Guru Solves Buddhist Riddle

What does one hand clapping sound like?

“Two hands clap and there is a sound; what is the sound of one hand clapping?” Or so the Buddhist koan goes. Koans are riddles designed by Buddhist masters to help the mind go beyond the limits of rational thought. Other such riddles include, “Which came first: the chicken or the egg?” and “If one farts in the forest and there is no one around, does it still smell?“

Yet intensive contemplation of these koans throughout the centuries has yielded little results, leaving practitioners of meditation around the world frustrated and unable to fathom their mystery. It is said that to truly grasp anyone of these koans, is to attain enlightenment. But who could possibly make sense of them?

Meet French Guru Penenlaboca. Having had his left hand amputated at a young age, Guru Penenlaboca has had a lifelong experience of meditation, and of trying to clap with one hand. And now, at the age of 43, he has finally attained enlightenment by answering the mindboggling question of: What does on hand clapping sound like?

“It is really very simple,” says Guru Penenlaboca, lifting his right hand in front of him. “The sound of one aand clapping, is the same exact sound as when one tries to eet, or as zay say, spank, an imaginary buttock.”

Now famously known as “The one-handed clapper”, Guru Penenlaboca’s piercing realization is being seen around the world as the second most significant spiritual event since the announcement of The Ten Commandments.

“You see, the answer was in front of us zee entire time, literally,” the guru added as he continued to abruptly smack the air in front of him. “Can you ear it? I want you to visualize a buttock in front of me now. See? It is exactly like clapping wiz one and, no?”

Interestingly, the solution to the long unanswered riddle has turned a few curious gazes towards hip-hop culture, and particularly, vulgar rap artists.

“It seems zay were onto somesing,” notes Guru Penenlaboca.

Indeed, rap artists are notorious for their racy video clips, which often show them dancing while apparently smacking imaginary bottoms between moves, frequently to emphasis certain points in their lyrics.

Also, the number of rap and hip hop songs referring to the mystical gesture are prodigious, including such titles as “Smack That,” “I Smacked You”, “I Like to Smack Hoes”, and “Smack”.

“I believe,” says Guru Penelaboca, “rappers are expressing much more than their desire for zee rough love. Zey are echoing zee ancient mystery … zey are telling us to sink, to ponder the sound of one aand clapping.”

Rapper Sean John Combs, also known as Puff Daddy, P.Diddy, Diddy and Puffy, has responded to all the hype by stating: “Like I said before, my message has always been about purity of heart and soul, b!t%*es!” The artist has recently released a new collection for his popular clothing line, Sean John, printing on the apparel the words “Smack it for Diddy!”

A personal note from the guru

Now, perhaps zis will sound strange to you, but I want you to try zis zee next time you find yourself in a tricky situation. Instead of chanting “ooohhhmm”, or “shapapapapa”, or “auuu voirrr”, simply attempt to eet zee air in front of you. You must simply visualize a bare buttock in front of you, and you must spank it on zee side. And then listen. What do you ear? Zat is the sound you must contemplate. Zat is the key to centering yourself, and indeed, to achieving enlightenment.