Dumbassary

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

What a day so far. It started out by taking my oldest daughter to the chiropractor, which was fine until we walked back to the adjustment room and HOLY SHIT….Literally! Someone was seriously rotten on the inside, the second we turned the corner to enter the room it was like smacking into a wall of shit. The bathroom is right across from both exam rooms, biiiiggg mistake. Unless your shit smells like roses (my sister’s will appreciate that) you should always put the bathroom as far away as possible. I’m just thankful that we weren’t there but a few minutes, shew.

Do we think anyone would have noticed my new accessory?

After the stinkfest at the chiropractor we headed to Walmart to pick up a few things. The daughter was hungry so we thought we would just hit McDonald’s inside Walmart and eat real quick, then go shopping. The daughter ordered her usual egg & cheese McGriddle, oh lord, here comes the mass confusion as always. Cashier- “You want egg and cheese McMuffin?” Daughter- “No, egg and cheese McGriddle, no meat on it.” Cashier- “Sausage, egg and cheese McGriddle” Daughter looks at me and says, “Would you just take care of this?” Me in my condescending, full of irritation tone, pronouncing every word clearly since he didn’t seem to speak the same language as ANY American. I was waiting for someone to ask me to press 1 for English.

“No, no, EGG AND CHEESE McGRIDDLE, NO SAUSAGE OR BACON. SHE DOES NOT EAT MEAT!” Cashier- “So, sausage, egg and cheese McGriddle…(At this point I’m about to jump over the counter and make the damn thing myself) no meat?.” DING, DING, DING, WE HAVE A WINNER!

Finally, he get’s it right and hands us our cups for tea and the receipt with our number on it. We got our drinks and sat down and waited and waited and waited and waited, need I go on? About 5 or 6 other people order and get their food and we are still waiting, 10 minutes later, mind you, I went up to the counter and about that time one of the managers walked over to a table and told the lady that she had given her the wrong sandwich, that it had no sausage on it. If you know me at all, you probably can see my eyes rolling and hear me huffing and puffing. I was thinking, she better not EVEN put that sandwich on a tray to give us, lucky for her she didn’t. She told the guy that she needed another McGriddle with no sausage as she was throwing away the pawed over, germ infested screw up. I gave them a few more minutes, still, no food.

I finally just asked for a refund, after all, we had been waiting for damn near 15 minutes. Oh no, god forbid I ask for a refund. Getting a refund took another 5 minutes because you know, it is so difficult to push the buttons on the register. Then the manger says something to the other cashier about the fact that we already had our drinks. The “Ghetto Cheri” in my head was screaming, waving my finger and moving my head back and forth…”Awww hell no, don’t you even think about charging me for these damn drinks after you left my ass waiting for so long!” Not even trying to be sincere or sorry for making us wait so long, the manager FINALLY completed my FULL refund and I walked out. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

One of the reasons I wanted to go to Walmart was to redeem some coupons for a free bag of Lindt Lindor Truffles, ok, 5 free bags. I had also done this a week or two ago and got 4 bags for free with my 4 coupons without any problem. There shouldn’t be any problems considering they were perfectly legit.

The daughter and I chose our flavors very carefully, ensuring we would get complete and full enjoyment out of each and every bag. Oh wait, they’re small Christmas gifts, maybe for teachers, the mail lady, not for us at all, really.

Not only did I have coupons for Lindor, but I received a coupon in the mail for a free bag of Ghardelli chocolates that I won in a giveaway on Facebook as well

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We made our way to the checkout, the daughter put her two bags on the counter and handed the cashier her two coupons. She tried to scan them a few different times and stared at them very closely and informs me that she can’t accept them because they are not allowed to take internet coupons that won’t scan. So really you are just too damn lazy to punch the numbers in, ok, fine, don’t worry about it then. Moving on, she rang up our other items with me handing her the coupon for the free bag of Ghardelli that I received in the mail. It went right thru but she held it up to the lights and asked me why it had voids printed all over it. Me-“I have no idea, I didn’t realize that it did. I got it in the mail the other day.” Cashier-“Why would you get it in the mail? It looks like a computer printed coupon.” Me- “ I assume because I won it in a giveaway and they sent it to me.” Cashier-“It just looks like you printed it from the internet.” ,

“Well I guess I should have saved the letter that came with it to show to you. Just forget it, I’m not going to stand here fighting with you over it.” She finally finished ringing me up, along with my free Ghardelli and hands me the receipt saying in a very shitty tone, “Here you go.” What the fuck? Like your stupidity is my fault!

With all the bullshit of waiting and waiting all morning, I didn’t get back to the apartment in time for the mail lady to deliver a package. The point of wanting to eat quickly and grabbing just a few things was to specifically be back home to receive that package. Oy vey!

Then for the finale of the morning, the icing on the cake, the straw that broke the camels back…

I opened a doctor bill for the daughters foot. The visit that took four hours, they wouldn’t treat her without giving her a physical, and again we waited and waited only to see the doctor for literally 2 minutes and he didn’t do a damn thing. The amount for us sitting there for four hours you ask…

Sunday, May 27, 2012

I absolutely love “So You Think You Can Dance”. The new season has begun and it hasn’t been disappointing so far. I love it when the unexpected happens, when once again the saying, You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, gets proved. This guy moved me to tears, Nigel says it’s best, he is a genius!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Within a 4 mile stretch of road today I saw four different septic company trucks on the cross roads and all I could think was, “Damn, this town is full of shit!” My favorite company name has got to be 254-POOP. That guy was a fucking genius!

At the beginning of my 4 mile stretch I passed a guy wearing a sandwich board sign advertising for Great Clips Salon. Which is a fabulous way to get business, unless…the guy wearing the sign is BALD! Maybe it was the mood I was in today, but I saw that and died laughing.

Gotta love the time that the cheese guy/gal took to put the cheese on the outside of the container instead of the inside. Thanks Taco Bell Cheese Person!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Let’s discuss the “Schticky” commercial. I crack up every time I see it, there are so many sexual innuendos in this commercial. Let’s watch it and break it down, shall we?

[Vince Offer] Hey it’s Vince Offer here, with my new product called: The “Schticky”. You’re gonna clean your home in a quickie when you use your Schticky. Now here’s the deal, its a reusable lint roller and more. For furniture, food particles in the cabinets. The debris on the stairs. And even use it in the car. And ladies you always wanted to stick it to your husband, now you can! Works on all fabrics, from wool to velvet. (20 SECONDS INTO THE COMMERCIAL THERE IS A CLOSE UP OF A WOMAN’S BOOB AS SHE ROLLS THE “SCHTICKY”) Problem with the shedding pussy. ( DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPAND ON THAT?) Pick up cat hairs from clothes. Or use Schticky from the leftover dog hairs on the sofa. Or even Schticky your pets before they shed.(I’M ALL FOR THIS IDEA) It’s made of a special silicon so with a little water the dirt comes right off. It’s slippery when wet. Sticky when dry!(WHY YES IT) Check this out! Stop wasting $100.00 dollar a year on paper lint rollers.(OK, IF YOU ARE SPENDING $100 ON LINT ROLLERS, GET RID OF AN ANIMAL AND BUY SOME HEAD AND SHOULDERS)

[Friend At The Door]Hey

[Vince Offer]And of those unwanted guests. (FIRST NOTICE THE ROACH CRAWLING UP THE WALL THAT HE HITS WITH THE “SCHTICKY”, THEN COMES THE PLAYING WITH YOUR “SCHTICKY COMMENT)

[Friend At The Door]Vince – Oh your playing with your Schticky, I’m sorry!

[Vince Offer]Ah -eeeh

[Vince Offer]When you order the Schticky you get the little Schticky! Great for on the go – get rid of dandruff for that first date. Or link for that important business meeting. Us Schticky anytime, anyplace and with anyone.(THINKING SOMEONE IS ABOUT TO BECOME A MEMBER OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB) Schticky makes you look your best even for those unforgettable moments.(AT 1:07 HE TAKES A MUG SHOT THAT IS DATED FEB. 7, I CAN ONLY ASSUME IN HONOR OF HIS ARREST ON FEB. 7, 2009 DUE TO AN ALTERCATION WITH A PROSTITUTE.) You’re gonna like the little Schticky but you’re gonna love the big Schticky. For bigger messes like dust bunnies under the bed, or picking up after the kids. Clean up kitty litter and loose hairs in the bathroom. Great for cob-webs or curtains and other hard to reach places. You can do multiple surfaces. You don’t have to go to vacuum to broom. Penny-Schticky is a real penny earned. Hair hides deep in the carpet but with the special brush attachment the Schticky grabs the hairs that the vacuum just can’t get. You don’t want this stuff in your carpet, guys! So you get the Schticky and the little Schticky for $19.95 but if call now within the next 20 minutes because we can’t do this all day, you’re gonna get the big Schticky absolutely free, just pay for processing, comes with a 10 year warranty. That’s 3 for $19.95. Here’s how to order:

Oh Vince, you bring us such entertainment. First “Shamwow” and now the “Schticky”!

Friday, April 27, 2012

I thought my husband had lost his mind when he told me that he was going to coach our son’s Little League team, well, then dumbass me said I would be Team Mom. I’m not crazy about kids or baseball, what the hell was I thinking? Maybe I just need something to do outside of the house. Let’s face it, I have NO life so why not take care of 10 more 6, 7 & 8 year old boys 2 days a week.

Saturday is opening day and Jeff picked up the uniforms tonight. So pathetic that I was excited to have something to do. I put each boys name in their hats, then put their socks and jersey in the hat so it would be easy to hand them out. I put the schedules to hand out, the roster and stat book all nice and neat in a binder even. I have this need to be organized, a tad OCD maybe, who knows.

I wonder how many parents won’t like the fact that we have no intentions on doing the whole “after game snack”. Neither one of us see the point in it. I would suppose it goes back to kids being so coddled now-a-days. I don’t remember getting a snack after any of my games growing up. Besides that, who in the hell can afford to spend the extra money when it’s not necessary? I guess if most of the parents bitch and whine about it enough then we’ll give in, but I find it just stupid.

It has always drove me crazy during games when kids are just being wild in the dugout, I have a feeling that I may piss off more than one parent or get the nickname, Dugout Nazi. This is an instructional league, if these little boys would pay attention they just might learn something.