Thursday, September 29, 2005

Bad blogger

I hate not posting. I have good excuses--I was out of the office for site visits on Tuesday and Wednesday. I had a date on Tuesday night. Things have been busy and I haven't had much time to write.

But it's not like I haven't been writing. I have, just not for publication.

If I were completely anonymous, I wouldn't hesitate to tell you every single detail of what is going on with Tim, but now that so many of my friends are reading, there are certain things that I don't feel comfortable discussing.

To my friends who are reading, don't feel bad. I invited all of you and I welcome all of you. Please don't leave.

I don't care two whits about my own privacy. But it's not for me to tell Tim's personal business. He is barely comfortable talking to me about it. He hasn't asked me not to tell, but when it became clear how much I'd told Pele, he was taken aback.

So what do I do? This is some of the best material I've had since I began blogging. It's such a great story! So much tension and potential drama. The writer in me is dying to tell it all.

Instead, I'll shuffle around the edges and I'll have to fill in with other material when I can't figure out how to tell the story the right way. Sigh.

That said, here is the date update:

I had a date with Tim on Tuesday. We went to the movies--I had a pass to Into the Blue. It's pretty funny taking someone with dive experience to a movie about diving for treasure in the Bahamas. He shook his head many, many times while we were watching.

We were altogether annoying and cute. Whispering, holding hands, sharing popcorn. On the metro ride home we put on the most appalling display of affection. He said, "Just hang on to me. Don't you trust me?" It was bad and I didn't care and I didn't try and stop it.

The evening took an unexpected turn when we were walking back to my place from Union Station and his wife called. She knew he was out with me. She wanted him to come over. He didn't go. (Apparently, she's no longer living with her boyfriend.) Tim and I had a long, emotional conversation, after which we felt better. It's not the best situation. But he does make me happy. I'm going to stick in there. He went home at 1:00am and I didn't sleep well after he left.

Yesterday, I was in Herndon for work and it was a very long day. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. I spend the entire day with a contractor who drives me up the wall. I actually snapped at him. I wanted to talk to someone, but Pele was in meetings all day and I had to at least pretend to be professional (except for the one incident, I managed).

When I got back to DC, I called my mom and I told her what was going on. She was surprisingly receptive and managed not to be too critical. The only thing she said that bothered me was to ask why I always pursued drama. But I don't. I didn't even pursue Tim. It just happened. Tuesday night was the only drama we'd had so far and he hated it. He apologized for bringing me into it. I don't think it will be a regular thing (if it is, I'll have to reassess what I'm doing). Mostly, we're having fun.

Later, Pele and I had dinner--a very comforting burger, fries and beer. She reassured me that everything was fine and that it was good for Tim to confront the situation now rather than later. If he says no to her now, it's because he doesn't want to be with her--he's not making the choice for me. It would be crazy soon for that. We want him to say no to that situation because it would make him unhappy, not because he would feel guilty for leaving me. In the meantime, my plan is to listen to him as much as he needs me to, and talk about it as little as possible otherwise. I don't want to get mixed up in all that drama and he would like to keep me out of it as well. There's no pretending it's not happening though. (And if he decides he wants to try and work things out with his wife, I completely respect that. But I'd rather he do it now than several months down the road when it will really break my heart.)

Tim called me last night. He's coming to the movie on Friday. He might come camping with me and Pele on Saturday. Everything is good. I'm well rested, cheerful and looking forward to everything.

Blogging will be sparse the next few days, but I should be back to the normal routine on Monday.