Merc Werc Part II: What To Do When You’re Totally Screwed

Holy Heidi in leiderhosen! It’s been a year and a day since I’ve managed to make it to my trusty little laptop and share my ingenious thoughts of the moment with you, my loyal if misguided fans! But rest assured, I’m back in the saddle now. And rarin’ to go. Or somethin’a that kind, anyway. Where’ve I been, you ask? WELL I’LL TELL YOU. I’ve been in secret places, doing secret things that had NOTHING to do with me having to grow back my fingers after a little run-in with Wolverine, or anything. (Man, typing with no fingers = World’s Greatest Challenge, I tell you what.) Also nothing to do with Wolverine’s whiny son kickin’ the hot air outta me. Really.

So forget about all that, and concentrate on what’s important: the second chapter of Merc Werc, comin’ to you all right here, right now, from the Fortress of Cool (entranceway statue of Tasky optional; I keep telling him he needs t’stay away from the Grey Gargoyle, but does he listen?)

And now…

Holla Atcha All! Take 2

What To Do When You’re Totally Screwed

11. What to do if you get yourself in a tight situation: diet.

12. There is never any situation in which a knife is an unnecessary accessory.

13. When outnumbered, just charge at everyone in sight while yelling really loud. They’ll be scared of that. And of your swinging katanas.

14. There are times when a banana peel really is the best thing you can throw at your enemy. Those times are few, so choose wisely.

15. Don’t let enemy taunting make you lose your head: just because your name rhymes with “fool” doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

***

So there ya go, some sage advice from the Merc who knows his Werc. And never fear, I’ll be here with more advice soon enough. And, y’know, maybe the answers to those letters y’all wrote me a millenium ago. Although from what I hear from my doppelganger from the future (he checks in on me now and again), I may be pulling a fast one soon and accidentally locking myself in a freezer for 200 years just so I can see an old…friend. Yeah, friend. So I guess I’ll have to get those answers out fast!

That sounds just as likely as those cryogenic experiments where you cut off someone’s head and freeze it. Actually, between the cold and the vacuum, I’d say it has a pretty good chance of working.
I was reminded of the very first episode of Eerie, Indiana where these kids were locking themselves up in giant Tupperware containers at night. I doubt that would actually work though, and you’d never get rid of that plasticy smell.

I don’t blame you! Knowing your luck, you’d get some weirdo jack off mad scientist who’d want to see if your body would grow a head or your head would grow a body. That would be bad.
Here’s ya something new to think about.
Dear Deadpool,
Any good movie or TV show reviews? What does a mercenary watch when he’s not working? On the flip side, any show or any character that you hate? My friends and I have fun discussing how we’d kill off annoying characters we can’t stand, have you ever done that?
Yeah, I’m twisted and evil. But a couple of these characters really annoy the hell out of me so I simply must wish that they’d be in a horrible industrial accident and get squashed by a shipping container while at the docks.
How much would something like that cost anyway? LOL
Ame