Monthly Archives: August 2015

It started out a typical Monday morning. I didn’t really want to get out of bed, especially not for work. I was dragging my feet (and other body parts) and just puttering along, finally getting into the car and out into traffic. Finally navigated my share of friendly Houston drivers to get to the office (amazingly on time). Managed to not get hit by some coworkers driving in the garage who were apparently doubly anxious to get in to work, and grudgingly made my way in to the elevator bank.

Waiting…waiting…crowd is growing…waiting…really? This is (expletive) ridiculous! Or so said some of those waiting with me . We were at work, but couldn’t get to work, and oddly that makes people irritable.

Then something caught my eye and I looked to see a lady wheeling in a shrouded object on a dolly. Actually most everyone around me looked at her, or more specifically the object she wheeled. It may have been draped in a black cover, but there was no mistaking the shape. It was a harp. Yes, H-A-R-P – harp. There were murmurs from a few people behind me “she’s wheeling a what?” Again, yes, a harp.

Then a funny thing happened, the elevator doors opened but no one got in. Seems the sight of a lady wheeling a harp on a dolly is just THAT out of the ordinary. Someone realized we had to catch the elevator, and we regained our collective senses and packed in. I couldn’t help but smile at her because it was so unusual for all of us, yet so obviously normal for her. As I did I overheard her saying “I couldn’t leave it in the car.” Which has nagged my brain most of the day because I can only wonder with insatiable curiosity why she had it with her in the first place. Since I don’t know her, I may never know the answer to that. But she, and the mystery of the harp, broke my Monday monotony and changed the course of my morning for the better.

I wish you all some rare moment that breaks your routine and gives you a moment of unexpected happiness.

A few weeks ago I hit a low I didn’t even know I had. Several days of running in crisis mode, worrying about too many little details and being a go-between for arguing family members left me burned out. Then I sank from there. I got into a dark place of WTF – why was I breaking my neck for people who could care less? I didn’t expect accolades, but a ‘thank you’ would have been nice. It progressed into a general feeling of worthlessness, of living an unremarkable life, of realizing no one really gives a damn or worries about me the way I worry about them. Oh yes, a true pity party and I spared no expense! I was never suicidal, but I did really want to just pack my shit and leave – or crawl into the fine bottle of bourbon sitting in my cabinet and never come out. I didn’t do either one – instead I tuned the world out and slept. A LOT. I went through the motions of life in a zombie-like phase for about a week. (Apparently I should have reread my own blog post https://jenxian.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/strangled-with-my-wonder-woman-cape/)

Historically that’s about how long it takes my inner strength to rebound, reach for a clean pair of big-girl panties, and get back into the fight. Only that didn’t happen. There was only this hollow emptiness and that scared me more than I thought possible. Now I have a couple friends who have known some very dark places, and have experience with inner demons and human failings. The one I expected to answer was not available, and the one I didn’t think would take my call actually agreed to meet me. (Serendipity is a favorite word for good reason – good movie too) https://jenxian.wordpress.com/2012/10/02/wordsmithing/.

I know God put this man in my life for a reason, though not the one I originally thought it was. He let me vent, he understood the frustrations, and he pointed out some things that I hadn’t even looked at. I told him I was wiped out and no one even cared, even as I realized if he didn’t care he wouldn’t be talking to me – and I told him that too. Then he told me our hardest growth comes during our darkest times. Life lesson time!

He gave me a lecture on perspective, the power of prayer, my own inner strength, and followed up with a reminder that while I thought things were bad, they could always be much, MUCH worse. While it was a critical lecture, it was exactly what I needed, mostly because I recognized that he had been put in that place, at that time, to convey a very specific message. After some ice cream, more purging/lecture/venting/acceptance, and a desperately needed hug, I came away feeling like I’d been put through another emotional blender, yet surprisingly I felt renewed. I also left with a much needed attitude adjustment.

Sometimes we get so consumed by life that we forget our strengths (and apparently our own advice), and we need to be reminded that this too shall pass. Sometimes that reminder is as simple as a friend’s voice on the phone, and sometimes its a painful kick in the butt to get us moving again. After much prayer and soul searching I am definitely back in motion.

Now if I can just get my guardian angel to whack me over the head with the “aha!” stick – I need some direction for this renewed sense of purpose and direction. (Yes, I am aware I just Universally asked for it!)

Disclaimer: Yes I know I have other friends and family that love me and care about my well being. I continue to pray for those who are in their own darkness, facing their own trials and demons (including the very dear friend who gave me this kick in the butt).