August 5, 2012

Colette will survive.

Of course she is going to do just fine - look at those thighs. And this week was challenging. The work part went great - I started a new position in the same company, which was making me a little jittery on top of fretting over little baby. The mixture of a new person caring for Colette, pumping, commuting, concentrating on something else made for what felt like a great pile of things at once. The train ride home the first day: subway was stuck underground. Tension rising in my throat. The longest commute ever. I didn't know if I could do it. At each interminable stop - I was compelling the subway doors to close. I wondered if every single day would feel this way. Every day probably will feel like that a bit. All I can say is this is love - heart breaking love. I don't think my situation is special or unique. It is the reality for many - I know that. I got a lot of advice after that last post on the going back to work thing. Everyone sits in their own camp and has very specific reasons for being there. I appreciate all of those spaces and I feel like I could occupy each one of them actually. "Balance" feels fictitious and absurd - unreachable. Maybe there won't be balance and every part of my life will now just be waterlogged with whatever that part is made of. At least Colette has her little elfin friend above, whom she adores.