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If any of you remember back when I had treacherous' advice, my nephew came on and answered a few questions. Well, he used to do FPL for a little while before he went to college (before me actually). He had two characters that did decent. Anyway, he's out for summer and he wants to get back in the FPL. He may be on here and he may not. I'll look out for him, but here's his latest try at the FPL. I've told him my opinion, but I wanted some of you to give a crack at it. So, here goes... (oh yeah, you can be mean, he can take it. He's a big boy)

The Sons of the Sun King, Pt. 1

Background

He looks out of a window and the sunlight drips in and warms his face. He enjoys it, it makes him smile, it is a moment in silence where it seems nature is on his side. The warmth is there to comfort him as he lays on the ground in a daze. A butterfly flies through the broken pieces of wood and rusted nails and lands in front of him. “It is time”, says the Monarch as its wings end the fluttering and rest on the man’s hand. The man soon gets a worried look on his face as he starts remembering when he thought nature was his friend. When he was a child, the plants and animals comforted him as he would lay behind bushes and sleep in trees. The grown- up’s never understood him, they tried to treat him and fix him. Stuffing their medicine down his throat and trying to analyze him. The thing he hated the most was when they would sit him in a room with no windows, no sunlight, the white walls would burn his mind because he could not get away from their blank stare, he needed color, he needed life. He now remembers the day he left, he burst out the doors in a frenzy, and the rain from the sky washed away the burning feel left on his skin, he ripped away the clothes and ran out in a fury. Then, then he could hear his friends, the bugs, the trees, the birds welcoming him home forever as he ran farther, and farther away into a nearby forest. When he felt safe, he stopped in a forest floor, a robin landed in front of him and said…. “You are needed”.

Personality

The boy was a friend of nature, they had him turn away intruders who would cut down their trees or hunt their animals, he was nature’s weapon against human forces. In turn, the boy ate the fruit that nature produced and found solace and friendship in the life of the wild. But soon, more animals and more plants called to the boy. As he grew older, the man had to do more and more tasks for nature, he was forced to kill more men and destroy more of man’s buildings. He felt overwhelmed because he could never get nature out of his head, it always spoke to him, asking more of him, moving him to do things he doesn’t want to do. Nature had finally found someone who would listen to it, and it would never stop speaking.

Mind-weakAgility – superiorStrength – standardBody – normal

Communicate with Plants – 25 The target pt. 1

As the man listened to the butterfly, he rose up in an immediate sweat, the sun no longer comforted him, he became overwhelmed once again. He backed up against a wall and realized he was in some sort of shack. The vines poking through the wall pressed and pricked along his back as they whispered, “ This is it” and “You are the one” in some sort of green chorus. The man answered back, “No”. Then, the bush that was half in the window and the grass that came up through the floors told the man he could not refuse them, and that they were his friend. Then, as the man dropped to his knees and kept refusing, the orders from the plant life turned into pleas. The man replied “One last time.”

Communicate with Animals – 25 – The target pt. 2

The butterfly jumped from the floor and fluttered in place in front of the man as a row of ants crawled up the man’s leg. Then, the man noticed a lizard that crawled up the wall and next to the man’s ear. They said in unison, “Go to Khazan and destroy the city.” The man replied back, I want to kill whoever is responsible for my power, they claimed, “The man who drives his power from our sun lives there. He is your father, it is his fault.”

Berserker – supreme – The Untamed Beast

Then the man ran, he ran as he did before trying to find solace for the last time. As he ran, he felt his muscles grow, his body moving faster, and his clothes ripping. He felt anger, hatred, and rage as he trudged over an open road knocking cars out of his way and breaking up the road with each heavy step. He sees a large city ahead of him and only two voices stay in his head to motivate him, “This is the last time, destroy Khazan” and “Kill the man who gets his power from the sun.” His rage would never end until he has completed both of his tasks.

Danger Sense – superior – Nature has his back

Nature wants to rise up against the inhabitants of Khazan. They have polluted its air and water, cut down trees for its land developments, killed its animals for pleasure, and uses its land for their battles. It no longer has any patience and will help its weapon destroy its’ major adversary. So, when the beast attacks the Khazan the animals will alert him when man attacks back and the plants will inform him of man’s every move against him. Anyone who stands in the beasts way, has to deal with back up.

Closed Mind – supreme – Finding Solace

“This is the last time, destroy Khazan”. “Kill the man who gets his power from the sun”.

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Points:

Ursa: You are master of all you survey. General Zod: [bored] So I was yesterday. And the day before.

Not bad I'd have to say. It definately needs work however. I think it's too short. I want more backstory. Why is he in the forest? How'd he get there? The personality is lacking too. I want more of his personal thoughts. More of what's going through his mind. Is he tortured? Or is he plagued with these thoughts?

The powers are a nice line up, but it needs a lot more description. Build it up for me. Put me on the edge and make me want more. I could tell where this story was going right away.

As for the idea of attacking Khazan, it's a good idea, but it would never work. With the amount of heroes and villains that far exceed his own powers, he'd be doomed to fail. I would like to see him attack a modern city, not Khazan. These stories don't necessarily have to take place in the Khazan universe.

Other than these issues, I believe this story has promise. I would suggest that he reviews it and makes more out of it. I'd also suggest a plot twist that nobody would expect to be there.

Really though, it's not that bad. I would say it has a good chance of winning a couple of matches against the lower tier on the FPL.

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Points:

I scare little kids.

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)

RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!... Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!

Actually I may need someone to take my place for grading. Dual-admin duties are going to be tough.

I didn't take over, just helpin a friend out is all

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Points:

I scare little kids.

QUOTE (treacherous @ Aug 16 2008, 12:12 PM)

RRRAOAAOAOAORRARRAA!!... Blue lights and sirens rang through the night!! Yeah, they all wanna kill each other... HERE ME CITY!! THE STREETS BELONG TO THE GANGS NOW!! THIS IS THE NEW ORDER!! PREPARE FOR CHAOS!!