See. I know what you’re doing, Theo. You’re making all these jackass moves and throwing them in our faces so that we’ll hate you. You’ve been doing it allllllll offseason. So that we’ll cry, “Theo? Theo Epstein? Bah. Curse that Theo Epstein. We don’t need him or his big, big moves!” And then Bud Selig (who hears everything. Except needle injections) will say, “hark! You don’t need him? Then here is your $5. Epstein buy-out problem solved!”

You know what, Theo? It is not going to work. You are worth so so so so so much. INVALUABLE. Hear me, Selig? It’s like, you take alllllll the elephants in the world (they’re endangered, you know. And expensive) and add in Yu Darvish’s salary. And multiply it by how old Tim Wakefield is (he’s a hundred, apparently. I read it in a Yankees blog). And then you add in all the copper (it’s valuable. I saw it on the news) from allllll the street lights on U.S. 1 and then you add in a pot o’gold for every Papeljig in the history of Papeldom (curse you, Philadelphia! curse you all! um. Unless you’re a fan in Delaware. Then great tidings to you. Great indeed). And then you add your five dollars. And THAT is how much the Red Sox will accept for Theo Epstein.

NO LESS.

Or. Um. Garza. Castro AND Jackson.

Don’t like it? SEND HIM BACK.

Oops! Did it again! Awkward…

Here you go- Sorry about that.

—-

In other news, I landed in Philadelphia this morning and have been playing in Delaware all day. I love it here. There is Thai food and I feel appreciated. Oh. But the speed limits are ridiculously low. Which bothered me, until I realized no one has to follow them. And people really, really like stocking hats. And I don’t think you can talk on a cell phone and drive. Which is silly. Because I’m very popular and people call me a lot.

There is a place here called Tasti Thai. It is a restaurant. Not a… um. It’s a restaurant.

Except for the color it looks like you posted the first picture twice, those two must have been separated at birth. What’s up with the dude’s thumbs?? That must hurt when he has them up his butt, which I’m assuming is the cause of his not doing something about this compensation issue.

I didn’t realize there were people in Deleware, great discovery by you! Do they actually live there, or just commute in from Jersey and Maryland? Good luck with the job interview.

Delaware, The First State. A state with no sales tax. A lovely place to reside. Speeding is allowed until the crash. In particular, I-95 below Wilmington is like the Daytona 500 without sponsors on the cars. The only “advertising” you see is on the fire engines, police cars and ambulances who come out to scrape up the leftovers.

Seriously, folks…DE is a lovely compliment to our PA border. Good luck, TooSoxy!