Monthly Archives: April 2016

It’s always about Nakamura. Even when everything else on the card lives up to expectations and in some case exceeds them, it’s still Nakamura. His match was everything and it gave existing fans reason to scream “TOLD YOU SO!” at their ill-informed friends, while their friends nod and say “You were right” before going out to buy every single piece of Nakamura merchandise in existence. Titles were decided. For me it was the best instalment yet of these always excellent NXT Takeover shows, but even with all that being said, nothing compares to what Nakamura was at this show, and what he will be in WWE going forward.

The Revival vs American Alpha – NXT Tag Title Match

This kind of match is the reason WWE are pretty much scrapping their current tag division (New Day aside) and starting again . Gone are the days of two main eventers being shoehorned together to win the tag belts for the sake of a shite storyline, and in its place we have this. The future. Two of the best tag teams in the world right now, who carved out their own niche at completely opposite ends of the spectrum. American Alpha as the flashy, technically inch perfect, energy fiends and The Revival as a couple of car mechanic Da’s (DAsh and DAwson…co-incidence? nah mate) who focus on fundamentals. Those fundamentals being the ability to stomp the living fuck out of anyone and everyone who crosses their path. Half their offence is just stomping on cunts mercilessly and that’s why I love them.

The subtle wee things are what made this match. Like The Revival trying their usual underhand tactics but American Alpha overcoming them at every turn. The effectiveness of their wily tactics has punctuated their run with the belts, so them trying and failing to be cheating bastards told a story all on its own. That American Alpha were wise to it and unwilling to allow it. Jason Jordan must love Chad Gable though eh. Imagine being as boring as he was, cutting about for years making absolutely no impact on the audience despite having all the talent in the world. How frustrating that must have been, then this 5 foot 8 ball of wrestling sunshine swoops in and changes it all. His charisma connects with the audience and ignited you just because you’re paired with him and all of a sudden it all falls into place. This is no longer a Jason Jordan doing what he’s told and trying to make the best of it, this is a Jason Jordan in his element and the stereo German Suplexes they hit on the Da Club proves beyond any doubt that this is a team completely in sync and ready to take over. Not just the NXT tag division, I mean the fuckin world.

Gable’s charisma sucks you in every time. American Alpha on top, crowd going mental and all of a sudden Dash has floored Gable with a clothesline on the outside and The Revival are all over Gable. Wearing him down with fundamentals. Chinlocks, headlocks, anything with a lock on it. The fans get drawn in, urging him to make that comeback and that’s where Jordan comes in. On that apron, powering up. Ready for a tag so hot it could melt your face clean off if you happen to be within 100 feet of it. Gable reached out and was caught mid-air by The Mechanics, but he turned it into a double DDT and there was the opening for the tag. Jordan shuffling his feet on the apron, ready to dropkick the living fuck out some cunts, only for Dash to emerge from under the ring to pull him off the apron. The first bit of cheating that worked to its full effect. There was a wee fuckup as they went for their double team finisher and missed it a belter but it detracted nothing from the match and the way they responded to the “You fucked up!” and “Botchamania” chants says it all about what they are. Mistakes happen in wrestling but it’s about not allowing them to de-rail the rest of the match and if anything this fuck up improved it because for a wee minute Dash and Dawson turned into a pair of cheeky smiley chappies as they allowed the crowd to get it all out their system, and that was a nice change of pace from their usual bulldog chewing a wasp demeanour. The happy smiley chappies disappeared soon after because Jordan finally got THE WORLDS HOTTEST TAG, and proceeded to straight up kill The Revival with all sorts of dropkicks and big “fling this cunt over yer heid” suplexes. Big man had the straps down and he was rollin. Near fall after near fall. Fans on their feet every time. It was coming.

They beat them at their own game and that’s storytelling. A team who have held on to their tag titles through blind tags, eye pokes and feet on the ropes got done with a blind tag. Jordan tagging in while Gable keeps Dawson occupied in the corner, as Jordan enters the ring at the other side undetected and LAUNCHES himself at Dawson with a shoulder in the corner, before they hit Grand Amplitude (their mad double team suplex thing) to become the brand new tag team champions.

Tears of joy followed from both Gable and Jordan. This wrestling shit isn’t just a means to an end for them, it matters and they will strive to keep getting better at it. That’s what sets them apart and that’s why they’ll be winning any belt that says “Tag” on it for the foreseeable future.

Baron Corbin vs Austin Aries

On any other night it would have gone down as a decent match. On a night that makes “decent” look like a bag of shite, it didn’t quite cut it but Aries making his debut and Corbin being extremely believable as a cunt who likes throwing indie guys about like empty shellsuits made it at least a compelling enough match. Corbin will never be the guy for the 5 star classics but he’s not supposed to be that, he’s the opposite of that. He shakes his heid and waves his fingers at those who strive to entertain. Why give the people what they want when you can stand on pencil necked geeks instead.

Aries took a kicking for much of this match and while that meant he didn’t have the chance to show his full range of skills, it made plenty of sense. For Corbin’s shtick to work, he has to look capable of battering cunts. He also has to make mistakes that Indy guys wouldn’t make so they can be lit that “I wouldn’t have fucked up like that, I’m an Indy guy, we know better from all the Indy stuff. Ya big somehow hairy baldy cunt”Aries dived about daft and got Corbin in a daze before the big man derailed it all by hitting Deep 6 on the floor. End of days next of course, but NUT. Because of the years of experience and hard graft he’s put in WRESTLING all over the world, Austin Aries managed to outfox someone with a fraction of that experience because storytelling is important. End Of Days reversed into a rollup for the uno, dos, tres. Aries wins on his debut.

Aries will undoubtedly have better matches during his time at NXT but this one was important because he managed to drag something watchable out of the improving Corbin, and sometimes that’s more of an achievement than having a 5 star belter with someone on the same level as you ability wise.

Shinsuke Nakamura vs Sami Zayn

He’s something different from anything else on the wrestling spectrum and that’s why he’s here. That’s why he’ll succeed. That’s why the noise when he made his entrance was deafening. Pairing that amount of charisma with the ability to throw your knees towards folk from unspeakable and at times unnatural angles is something else. Its something that doesn’t need fluent English to get across to an English-speaking audience but his English is fine. Good enough as a basis to improve on anyway, so really the only thing standing between Nakamura and one day becoming WWE World Heavyweight Champion is bullshit. That’s it. That’s the only thing that could prevent a talent this special sitting on top of the wrestling mountain one day, looking down on us all with an air of suave disdain. Suave disdain vs Sami Zayn. The debut to end all debuts. It was fuckin………FIRE.

He knee’d him, he stomped him, he tried to kick his chin off. He threw body parts, he threw them hard. Sami Zayn matched it. He kept the fuck up, because at the end of the day he’s Sami Zayn and performance wise NXT have scarcely seen anything like it. For all Baron Corbin was probably the worst opponent for Austin Aries debut and the fact that he made it work paints him in a good light, if Nakamura failed to tear the house down with a talent like Zayn on his debut it would have reflected badly on him. The problem with that is Nakamura doesn’t do failure when it comes to tearing the house down, and on this occasion he tore the whole of Dallas down. They had to cancel Wrestlemania it was that bad, only for Nakamura to look at the pile of rubble his overflow of charisma had created and wink at it, causing the whole city to rebuild itself. Only this time with 100x more sass. If you’re one of the folk who don’t “get” what he’s about, you clearly don’t have any room in your heart for sass and I feel bad for you if that’s the case. I’d rather be sassy than classy, and I’d definitely like to be sassy on Class A’s. The wrestling though.

Knees. So many knees. If a knee missed the mark? have a spinning heel kick instead. If a kick missed the mark? The next one will be taking each and every one of your front teeth. Sami was as strong style as a Canadian man could possibly be, fair fucks to him for trying to match Nakamura’s level when it came to strikes. He fell well short on most occasions but responded to a belter of a forearm by knocking Nakamura off the top rope with a beauty of his own. Taking Nakamura to the outside isn’t always a smart move though, just gives him new and innovative ways to batter fuck out of you with his knees and he landed a knee flush on Sami’s jaw as he dwelled on the apron. Fuckin eat that ya haudin the door open for grannies, flatcap funtime having skinny Seth Rogen CUNT. Honestly, nothing against Sami. No idea where that came from, but at the same time, how DARE he think he can hang with Nakamura. He can hang with him and did hang with him, but still, how DARE you pal. Canada is not Japan, and there’s no such thing as Japanada so fuckin wind yer neck in. He never listened though. The neck stayed out as he hit all sorts of flying crossbodies and big dives on Nakamura’s poor unsuspecting jaw, but Nakamura hadn’t used his knees as a weapon for well over a minute and he set out rectifying that by kneeing Sami’s nose clean aff his face before ramming it in his eye socket. STRONG STYLE.

They smashed the living shite out of each other with about 500 forearms until they could barely stand. Blood pouring from Nakamura’s nose and he gave nothing looking like, or in any way resembling a fuck. A wee burst nose was never stopping him. Bullet to the temple wouldn’t stop this cunt. He’s probably catch it, eat and shite out wee bullet shaped roses later. Jumping armbar locked in out of nowhere but Sami blocked. Sami made the mistake of playing Nakamura at his own game though. He took kicks to the face so responded with kicks to the face. He got put in submission holds so he responded with submission holds. Playing Nakamura at his own game isn’t how you beat Nakamura. He should have jumped about as much as humanly possible, thus preventing Nakamura from having a static target to aim his knees at but again. Fair fucks to him for looking like a guy who COULD play him at his own game and win. It’s just a shame for him, and the nation of Japanada that he didn’t get the job done. Kinshasa (new name for the Boma Ye, although I’m told it’s slightly different) was attempted but Sami blocked it and went for that mad DDT he does where he jumps through the wee gap between the ringpost and turnbuckles only for Nakamura to counter that with a kick to the head. Everything can be countered with a kick to the head if you want to kick people in the head as much as he does. Hogan going for that big leg drop? Spring up and kick him in the temple. Cena going for the AA? Spin off his shoulders and kick his skull in. Taker going for the Tombstone? Fart in his eyes, he drops you, land on your feet and WHAM. Kick to the fuckin skull. Every single move can and should be countered with a kick to the head.

Moves can also be countered by mad frenetic elbow to the back of the head though. That’s another effective way of doing it and the shower of elbows Nakamura used to block the exploder suplex in the corner, led to him hitting a flying knee off the second rope to knock Zayn dizzy before KINSHASA WAS UNLEASHED, and Nakamura had announced himself to a new world of fans with one of the most engaging and technically brutal wars in the history of NXT/Wrestling in general/the history of the world as we know it.

They warmly shook hands before Zayn bid farewell to NXT. Three years in something considered to be “developmental” could be painted in a negative light but truth be told he’s a big part of the reason that NXT is seen as its own seperate entity now and has more than earned his opportunity on the main roster full-time. I give it 6 months tops before Nakamura joins him there, and he knees The Usos so hard enough bits of them break off to make a third Uso.

Bayley vs Asuka – NXT Women’s Title Match

While Nakamura’s style is somewhat new territory for the Men’s division in NXT, there’s been a Japanese burd knee’ing and generally knocking fuck out the women’s division for a while now. Her name’s Asuka and as much as Bayley is rightly loved and has become a standout performer on NXT, she had to drop the belt here, because Asuka is something entirely different and far too menacing to lose wrestling matches to pretty much anyone. And as much as she probably respects Bayley more than anyone else on the roster, losing to a “hugger” when you’re perhaps the most frightening female to grace the planet earth is a bad look for Asuka, and something she would look to prevent at all costs. By battering fuck out of her opponent.

It was a similar type of story to Nakamura and Zayn. Anytime Bayley built up a bit of momentum she got floored and armbarred to fuck. Anytime she slung a few forearms at Asuka she’d get kicked in the skull. Or she’d get a flying erse to the ribcage. She locked in the Guilotine Choke that eventually choked mawbear Nia Jax the fuck out and that didn’t get the job done. Nothing would. Even diving through the middle rope before hitting a hurricanrana wasn’t making it happen. Nothing would. She was never retaining but the fact that so many wanted her to and believed she would retain is what made it so shocking when she didn’t come out victorious. Even though Asuka winning made all the sense in the world, it’s the fact that you felt Bayley’s pain that made it a moment to gasp at. A bit similar to Brock Lesnar ending the streak. Should Brock Lesnar be able to beat The Undertaker clean? Of course he should, but that doesn’t make him doing it to end a 25 year reign of excellence any less of a “oh my fuck, I just pushed ma pants” moment.

Asuka slapped fuck out the champ, only for Bayley to reverse it into a kneebar because she’s game. We know this by now. She’s as game as it gets. Being game doesn’t stop a wrecking machine from wrecking things though. That jumping armbar is some seriously slick wrestling. Anytime it’s applied its a buzz, but Bayley unbuzzed it and fought out. She kept on fighting and never once looked down and out before she eventually was down and out and maybe that’s what made her losing such a galling thing. She’s the underdog who made a habit of winning, so even when she looked out of it as Asuka got the Asuka Lock in, you believed she’d somehow spring to life. She never did. She was choked out by and lost her title to the best female wrestler in WWE right now and considering the standard across the board that’s quite a thing to be. Quite a thing indeed.

As for Bayley, good shit is happening on the main roster that she needs to be a part of ASAP while Asuka writes the next chapter of the rich story the women of NXT continue to tell us show by show, year by year. They’ve come to represent nothing but excellence and undoubtedly put the wheels in motion for the retirement of the “Divas” Title on the main roster and re-introduction of the “Womens” title.

Finn Balor vs Samoa Joe – NXT Title Match

Let Joe bleed guys is it? Fuck PG? Maybe Joe didn’t want to keep bleeding into his eye eh. Maybe try asking him how he feels about it before making decisions that could lead to him not being alive. When he was burst open within the first 30 seconds of this beauty of a title match, maybe he thought stopping the bloodflow early was a good idea. I will admit it does take you out of the moment slightly to see doctors tending to him during the match but we’re all adults. We know what wrestling is and I’d much rather be taken out of the moment knowing Joe was safe and healthy after the match, than to be kept in the moment while the cunt bleeds out. This wasn’t a daft wee cut either, this was Austin in the sharpshooter right before passing out at WM12 type of bleeding, and that needs tended to, so unless you’re his wife or maw I suggest you keep your “let Joe bleed” patter to yourself.

The reason he bled so much in the first place was these two clearly watching the two matches that went on before them and decided to throw absolutely everything at it. Demon Finn leathered Joe with chops at every corner, before Joe sold that punt kick off the apron beautifully. Looked like he’s been hit by a foot shaped bus, but he recovered quick to reverse the slingblade into a sickeningly wonderful overhead belly to belly. Most observers expected this to be the title that would definitely change hands on this show, but most observers of wrestling also happen to be misinformed dafties and they were WRONG as fuck. Even if Joe looked like a complete and utter beast at times. Hitting a powerbomb before transitioning straight into the most painful looking Boston Crab in the history of crabs coming to Boston. Finn spun out and hit a standing double stomp, only to find himself folded in half and muscle buster’d to fuck. BUT HE KICKED OUT. The Muscle Buster usually has the beating of mere humans, but Joe was in there with a mad Irish demon and he was about to have his soul sucked out his erse.

Finn hit the Double Stomp off the top, before going searching for the Bloody Sunday, only for Joe to flip it into the Coquina Clutch, but a sexy wee bit of mid-air maneuvering turned that usually fatal submission into a pin for Finn. STILL your NXT Champion, and arguably the strongest champion that title has ever seen. Judging on the level of opponents he has seen off , he has to be regarded as up there and for me this was his best match in the company to date. Or at least it will be until he inevitably shares that ring with a certain Japanese guy we got a bit excited about earlier in this very review. Joe really doesn’t NEED to become NXT Champion to validate him being there, all he had to do was display how good he still is in that ring and he’s more than proved that, so get him on the main roster having suplex contests with Brock asap. Nae offence to Ambrose, but judging by that Mania match Brock is clearly running out of legit contenders to work with and Samoa Joe might be someone who could get in about it with him and actually look believable in doing so.

Cracking show. It was all very Nakamura I’m sure you’ll agree. I give the show 140 knees to the face out of 140. Thanks for reading. x

Wrestling is a circus. A variety show geared towards entertaining you. Do cunts go to the circus and talk about how the bears should have been booked better? Do cunts go to the circus and talk about how the trapeze artists should have been in the main event instead of the middle of the card? Do cunts go to the circus and talk about how the segment with the legendary tigers took up too much time and there’s some up and coming tigers who deserve the spotlight more? Nah. They go and allow the madness to sook them in. ICW does madness better than any wrestling company and The Barras always delivers big moments. The show was solid overall, but the unrelenting chaos of the NAK war will live on. That fuckin super/certaindeath-plex in the Whiplash vs Trent Seven match will live on. The seemingly endless parade of elbows Big Damo fired into Drew’s temple will live on. Cunts moaning about shit will be forgotten because when folk scream into a void you don’t remember what they were actually screaming, just the fact that the person is wasting their time screaming into a void in the first place.

The wrestling was heavy good.

But before the wrestling, we had the Noam. A man who was scheduled to do a bit of wrestling, before deciding to do a bit of Noam’ing instead (he was actually injured, and I dunno what doing a bit of Noam’ing would entail but….aye) some beautiful words about Kris Travis and how he helped Noam more than anyone when he was first breaking through down in England, as our Noam got visibly choked up when he thanked the audience for the respect they paid. Many people paid tribute to Travis, myself included, but the band of people who were truly his friend are the ones you feel it for the most and Noam is undoubtedly one of them. He went on to talk about how Red Lightning has suspended him and that’s why he wasn’t in the match, but that was the performance bit. That was the wrestling chatter. The stuff about Travis was almost too real and ye just wanted to give Noam a right big cuddle and tell him it’ll be better in time. There was good news for Noam on the day the news about Travis broke though, he will be part of the WWE Global Cruiserweight tournament. The apparent reason Red suspended him cause…..eh…..yer just no allowed to cut about at WWE without permission awrite! Especially not if you’re already a guy Red hates. He will stick you on commentary in a match you’re supposed to be wrestling in though because that’s just the type of “Look what you could have won!” Jim Bowen bastard that he is.

This turned out to be one of the stand-out matches of the night. Fair play to all involved for their part in that, making these multi-man things seem cohesive isn’t easy but they done it and the finish was beautifully timed. We don’t discuss the finish at the start but. Tell the story. 15 minutes of wrestling first. Cunt’s fair battered lumps out each other and Davey signed off on his reign with his best performance as champion after rousing words from The Wee Man during his entrance. You could call it a baws oot performance I suppose eh. Ha ha, get it? Cause he got his cock out in Belfast? Aye…you get it. Yer a smart kid. Joe Hendry done the Foo Fighters anaw, and you have to applaud him for not using that song sooner considering how much the word “hero” figures in it.

Zack Gibson was Noam Dar’s replacement in the match and big Scouse can fuckin go. Of all the talented English guys ICW have flirted with using regularly, for me him and Rampage Brown are the guys that would fit as permanent fixtures on the roster. Gibson’s got that deceptive agility for a big yin and also know his way round a good submission, but his attempts to lock in that exceedingly sare looking armbar early on were blocked by Davey before Davey took flight with a big swan-dive on to Kenny and Lionheart on the outside. Gibson locked in a mad double submission on Thomson and Kenny Williams which essentially involved him wearing Kenny as a backpack before putting Liam into that armbar that still looks exceedingly sare. The point is, the match was more action packed that yer maws gub wis the last time yer Da took her dogging. A hunner spears from Davey, followed by Liam hitting a beauty of a back cracker on big Zack saw all the competitors scattered about the ring like skagheids on a comedown. One more dunt and I’ll stop the morra. I swear Agnes. Just one more dunt. Joe Hendry then fall-away slammed everyone in the building. Even a hen night that were in just to see Jack Jester swing that dildo about kiddin on its his dick. Everyone caught a slam. Kenny Williams caught the last one out on the ramp, a move which prompted Noam Dar to take the lords name in vain on commentary. Well no his lord, I think Jewish folk believe in Gandhi eh? That’s how it works. But he said “jesus christ” and that’s no PG. He also dropped some cracking patter about how Zack Gibson doesn’t say anything apart from “You’ll never walk alone” in a heavy Scouse accent. I don’t know if anti-Scousism is a thing, but if it is, Noam is right good at it. We’re no reviewing him doing hilarious commentary but, Kenny Williams took a Rock Bottom on the ramp, taking his tally of sare looking moves took on the ramp up to 2.

We had our 5 minute warning and as of yet, the scramble had been exciting but not very. Eh…scramle-y? No one had pinned or submitted anyone else yet and that means Davey Boy was holding on to that shiny belt. Kenny had emerged from the dead to get right back into jumping about elbowing folk. They all had a wee bit of flirtation with the belt as the clock ticked down but only one man managed to score a pinfall to take that glistening mistress up the road with him.

Davey and Joe Hendry stood toe to toe in the ring with the rest battling on the outside, but as Davey hit the spear on his pal someone was heading towards the ring. A year removed from his ICW return after breaking his neck, to a mixture of boo’s and indifference he was wide eyed and dangerous. While he is a villain and therefore has to act like a dick, you can tell when he speaks about the crowd reaction he got that night that there’s real pain there. Real annoyance that all the folk who told him he could get through it and everyone that rallied round him decided to back the guy who took the piss out him instead. A guy he genuinely doesn’t like. He used that pain to deliver a moment and I’ll no lie, personally I was into it. Not because Lionheart’s my favourite, or not because he’s even a guy I particularly like personally but he is fucking good at this. Very good. Even if its not your cup of tea, he is great at what he does. Too great to be solely known as “a fanny” or for taking selfies wae a dug. Would that not fuckin bug you, if you had built a reputation on being one of the best performers in the UK and the first impression new fans get of you in ICW is everyone in the crowd calling you a fanny? Even if he fuckin is a fanny, he’s a fanny with a belt now as he dodged the spear before hitting a beauty of a Superkick followed by the FUCKIN STYLES CLASH on Davey for the win. Well there was 5 seconds left when he got the pin. Just enough time for Hearto to give it the old “Milk, Lemonade, Chocolate” patter before escaping with a new belt and some auld demons left behind.

The 55 (c) vs Polo Promotions – (ICW Tag Title Match – Match is won when the opposing team’s manager throws in the towel)

If Jackie Polo and Mark Coffey are done, they signed off in the building where the road to 442 began. Fear and Loathing 7. When they were still baddies with fuck all but contempt for the east end scum watching them as they took the tag team titles from Paul London and Brian Kendrick. The journey since then has saw popularity soar with purple and pink at the core. People got behind them because they believe what Jackie Polo and Mark Coffey stand for. Excellence in that ring, and being able to tan a pint in under 5 seconds outside it. If it really is goodbye then ICW are saying goodbye to one of the strongest characters to ever set foot in an ICW ring in Polo, and one of the best professional wrestlers in Europe in Mark Coffey and no matter the reason for it, it is fucking sad. A situation that you have to hope is either resolvable or a massive stitch up that will one day soon make us all look pretty daft.

The match was rammed with emotion even before Polo and Coffey taking to twitter to announce their departure, as both Coach Trip and James.R Kennedy held the fate of their own careers and the fate of their teams in their hands. The match would only end with the towel being thrown in and the manager who flung it would also be kissing ICW goodbye. Coach Trip cocked that arm back ready to end it all when Polo was isolated in the ring getting choked out by Kid Fite, after he had previously monkey flipped Sha Samuels into next month, but Coffey came out of naewhere to tackle Trip just as he was about to chuck it in. It spilled outside as big Sha grabbed the mic and told them if they want to leave he’ll “show them the fackin’ door” before Coffey took a big running jump at them. Anything that makes Mark Coffey deviate from the usual plan of getting cunts in the middle of the ring and battering fuck out them with forearms and mad volleys to the tits is obviously something he cares about and if he’s taking big running jumps on to folk for they tag belts, he clearly gives a lot of fucks about Polo Promotions leaving with them.

Back in the ring a flurry of diving heiders on Kid Fite in the corner took him out the equation and he stayed hung up like kebab meat for the rest of the match as Polo made it rain scoops on big Sha before locking in the Crossface. Mark Coffey had assumed the role as chief apron antagoniser by this point, a role which entailed him antagonising folk from the apron. Before the role evolved into him actually getting in folks faces and antagonising them that way. By slapping them about. Namely Kennedy, as Coffey slapped the sungegs right off his daft coupon while urging him to chuck the towel in and chuck it in he did. Giving Polo Promotions the end to their ICW careers they craved, while bringing his own ICW career to an end in the most humiliating way possible.

Kennedy’s last humiliation was still to come after Coffey took to the mic to thank everyone for their support before ensuring them winning didn’t mean them staying before they departed ICW for good, and Kennedy got dragged in the ring to be unceremoniously slapped aboot. Sha accused him of turning two of the best wrestlers in the UK into a “joke” and that him and the likes of him are the reason Polo Promotions left in the first place. Wrestling is an art-form. A performance. Its important to remember that at all times, but at the same time if Sha Samuels was putting on a “performance” when it came to looking and sounding like he hates James R.Kennedy it was fucking Oscar worthy cause he really made you believe he can’t stand the sight of the cunt. He won’t need to stand it any more cause NA NA NA NA. NA NA NA NA. HEY-EYY-EY. FUCK OFF. Catch ye efter Kennedy x

Mikey Whiplash vs Trent Seven

For 10 minutes they didn’t stop. For 10 minutes they took risks that they should really both be sectioned for even considering taking. For 10 minutes they gave us everything they had and as engrossing as it all was, it left you yearning for more than those magic 10 minutes. We want an hour. We want three hours. One more time? Fuck that. 10 more times. Naw make it 12. Naw make it a lifelong ironman war and this is what they do for the rest of their lives. Some people were just born to wrestle each other. Mikey Whiplash and Trent Seven are two of those people, its just a shame that being born to wrestle each other also probably means they were born to kill each other because they’re going to keep doing sare suplexes until eventually it leads to some kind of suplex from on top of the Hydro into a Lions Den below and if that one doesn’t kill them they’re definitely immortal.

Trent Seven seems far too nice to be a psychopath but the lack of regard for his and others safety seems to indicate he very well might be. Hiding the madness under the biggest smile as he shook hands with everyone in the front row during his entrance (except one guy who dodged the handshake cause apparently it is possible to dislike Trent Seven, who knew eh) before slowly rolling in the ring and awaiting his certain death. Whiplash entered and waited in the corner; inviting Trent on before catching him with a knee and a quick Death Valley Driver for a 2 count. Aye. The match started with a Death Valley Driver and if the opening move in a match should be seen as a precursor for what’s to come, its really fitting that this move has the word “death” in it. Uppercuts galore from Whiplash followed by a big running chop and a brainbuster from Trent. Still not even broke the minute mark. It was 10 minutes of everything imaginable that these two could do to each other bar maybe a gun or sword fight. At least with those situations its a fight to the death, but when these two combined for THAT superplex is was more like a suicide pact. Superplexes look fuckin agony when they land in the ring. I never imagined a world where the possibility of doing it in the other direction was even a thing but it is when you’re clearly mental. Whiplash threatened to suplex Trent in the direction of the crowd only for Trent to reverse it and hit a superplex on the the cold hard floor. HOW ARE NEITHER OF THEM DEID? I’m sure there’s many elements of wrestling it is possible to teach people, but that is not one of them. You have to be a special kind of aff yer fuckin nut to even contemplate emulating that superplex but thankfully nobody died and we still had 5 beautiful minutes of this to enjoy.

A battle of forearms led to another Death Valley Driver for a one count as these mad bastards showed no signs of letting up. If that’s a one count, its gonnae take a shover over the napper to even get it up to a two never mind the whole three. They then took turns each to suplex each other. With a stack of variations thrown in the match. Dragon, back, German, aw the suplexes. They would not stop fuckin hitting each other. Clothesline after clothesline. Kick to the chest after kick to the chest, before Trent planted Whiplash with a peach of a piledriver for the win. 10 minutes of everything brought to a beautiful end.

Mikey Whiplash has been avoiding handshakes in innovative ways (mainly gien the cunt offering it the middle finger tbh) in ICW for a while but accepted the handshake from Trent. Mutual respect lives and it comes in the form of suplexes that have the potential to kill everyone involved. More Trent Seven pls.

The NAK (BT Gunn and Chris Renfrew) vs Wolfgang and Kay Lee Ray

Equality. That’s kinda why I took to the NAK in the first place. Renfrew’s the mouthpiece but always shied away from being called the leader because they were equals. A unit that turned catchin bodies into a team sport. Its sad to see them divided, but when Stevie hobbled out on a crutch and told us the match was aff on a count of him hoppin aboot daft, ye knew the match was still happening. Kay Lee was in her gear and Kay Lee also happens to be game as fuck so when Renfrew issued the challenge it took her about hauf a millisecond to be charging towards the two maddest bastards in the company. Game on. She hopped on the apron and caught a superkick for her troubles, because equality is important.

Wolfgang and Renfrew went at it for a bit and gave us a wee glimpse of what the singles match might be like. They had a cracker once upon a time in Liverpool before Wolfy saw the light and chucked up the N but this one will be proper charged with emotion when it happens. BT Gunn and Kay Lee got into it anaw, and after a lovely wee exchange, Kay Lee got the tits chopped clean aff her. Because equality means knowing the risks you and your tits are getting in to. She hit back with a braw superkick, before some double team chop/missile dropkick action KO’d her again. Ye ever seen a man get powerbombed on to another man who had just been powerbombed? Its called powerbombception and Wolfgang executed it to perfection. A barbed wire chair made its way in and Kay Lee and Wolfie took shows each of drawing pretty pictures on Renfrew’s back with it (like the cuts are pictures, that’s the joke here, they weren’t actually drawing any pictures mate) and btw who the fuck thought wrapping barbed wire round a chair in the first place was a good idea? Chairs are for sitting but I’ve never seen anyone use one of these for anything else but leathering another human with it. Cause naecunt wants to sit on barbed wire.

The match was an all consuming war but one of my favourite things about it was Stevie Boy cuttin about hitting folk with that crutch. That’s about as scheme as it gets eh? 2 teams of former pals leathering each other while a 5th pal jumps about smackin folk over the nut with a crutch. He was nearly dragged into the thick of it by BT after Stevie had dragged the ref out when he was about to count a 3, only for Kay Lee to sneak up and low blow him. She hit the Destroyer after that, don’t think there will ever be a day where I’m not completely fascinated by that move but it didn’t get the job done and then she died. Mikey Whiplash attempting to kill her in Edinburgh by lobbing her into the crowd looked like fuck all compared to this. As all the barbed wire, low blowin, Canadian Destoryer’in action waged on in the ring, Renfrew was setting up some kind of death device on the outside with two chairs propped on top of a table and ye know fine well she went through all of it. Powerbomed though every single layer of it, and she got kicked in the fanny to set it up as well. Because equality means she who is willing to kick baws, must be prepared to take a boot up the fud. I’m sure Gandhi said that.

Know what else chairs shouldn’t be lined with? Fuckin thumbtacks. Who wants to sit on hunners of thumbtacks? Naecunt, so of course its used as a weapon as Wolfie set up up in the corner before driving Renfrew heid first into them. I know thumbtacks aren’t long enough to actually penetrate brain matter, but there’s still something unsettling about seeing them embedded in someone’s skull. What if they did make contact with the brain and all of a sudden Renfrew disnae like Coco Pops anymore? Imagine a life where a thumbtack fucks yer brain up to the point where cereal that turns the milk into milkshake is no longer enjoyable. Fuck that for a laugh. After embedding thumbtacks in Renfrews skull, Wolfie sauntered up the ramp and gorilla pressed BT Gunn through a table. Thats his cousin btw, for anyone who may have forgot, thats a family member. If he does that shit to his family, and had already scudded Renfrews skull into steel and tacks, imagine what he had in mind for Renfrew as he looked towards the ring, pointed at him and howled “YOOOOOOOOOOOU!” at the top of his lungs. He got in the ring and got Stone Cold Stoner’ed oot his boots. Hands up for the grand finale.

The grand finale was 4,000 thumbtacks in a wee burlap sack being scattered all over the ring by Renfrew while pint upon pint of blood emptied out his forehead. 4,000 fuckin thumbtacks and within a minute of scattering them aboot, Renfrew had been powerbombed on to them, before Wolfie got him in the Cloverleaf, still on the thumbtacks. So many thumbtacks in and around his person at this point, before Wolfie dropped the barbed wire chair slap bang in the middle of them, which was apparently Renfrew’s plan all along as he hit the T-Virus on top of all that sare sounding shit. Barbed wire chair, thumbtacks, a machete wae stanley blades glued to the side of it, all of it going in to Wolfie’s skull and that was finally enough to end this before Renfrew became half man half thumbtack.

The war rages on. If this match wasn’t the tip of the iceberg violence wise you have to assume it ends with a gunfight at the Hydro or suhin. At the very least something involving knives and flamethrower.

Grado and Joe Coffey vs Red Lightning and Jack Jester

Dallas might have accepted ICWs induction into the Barrowlands Hall of Fame but in Red Lightnings eyes that’s HIS award. It should have been delivered to HIM right before he made his Barrowlands wrestling debut, so he could kid on its his dick and wave it in cunts faces while telling them to kiss his arse. Dallas refused to give the award to him but, instead sending Joe Coffey and Grado out to make sure Red’s in-ring Barras debut involved him getting scudded aboot the chops a lot.

Grado stoated out in tiger facepaint, which was slightly less impressive that Joe’s Iron Punisher (captured by David J.Wilson in the photo above) paint but fair fucks to him for getting into the spirit. Gave Red a wee fright at the start of the match because I’m sure he wasn’t expecting his Barras debut to be against an actual real life tiger. Nice that the crowd were firmly behind Grado but, I’m no intae the mixed reaction shit he gets sometimes in Glesga noo because to me its just silly. Fair enough when he was putting his belt on the line against a guy a lot of folk supported but now giving him shit is futile and makes YOU look daft. Booing the goodies and cheering the baddies is ass backwards and I get why it happens in isolated cases but if your default setting is boo the good guys and cheer the bad guys, you’re doing wrestling wrong and frankly being a bit of a fanny. Red and Jester isolated and battered Grado for a bit because that’s what they are. Everything they do is designed so you’ll fuckin hate it and they do it well. The perfect antagonists for Joe Coffey’s quest to get the title he feels he deserves.

Joe and Jester battled for a bit, before Jester spat water all over Grado’s face, causing the tiger face paint to melt away. Tigermania is deid. The Black Label don’t even let people enjoy having their face painted. You CAN be a tiger if ye want Grado. That is your prerogative. Don’t let they bastards spit on your dreams. He took about 50 jabs before hitting the rock bottom for a 2 count, setting up for the hoat tag. The hoattest tag in the recent history of guys gettin tagged in. Joe chopped fucked out of Red, before hitting that backwards spirngboard crossbody thing on both him and Jester. He was fired up ladies n gents! That’s putting it mildly let me tell you. A deadlift German and a big lariat couldn’t put Red away though. Barrowlands debut n that. An undefeated streak to be defending, and defend it he did. Big Flex jumped in for Diesel hauners and chokeslammed Joe in an experience that must have been akin to getting chucked out the tap windae of a block of high rise flats. Say what you like about big Flex, but one thing that’s undeniable is that he’s 7 foot tall. And you CAN’T teach that. Red got the pin. Nae title shot for Joe.

Hope remains. Where there’s a will (to hold a steel chair to a guy’s throat) theres a way. Joe took Flex and Jester out then stuck a steel chair in Reds throat. Demanding a match at The Garage against him. If Joe wins he gets that title shot. If Joe loses he joins his brother, Jackie Polo and apparently everycunt else in departing the company. Red had no choice but to accept because he was pinned in a corner although you’d assume he has the power to cancel the match and fire Joe for threatening him in the first place but lets no get into logistics. The match is happening. Joe’s getting the title shot. End of.

Massimo vs Doug Williams

Cards on the table. I think I’m a wee bit in love wae Massimo The Maestro. Not love in the traditional sense. Wrestling love. I am in love with the way he does the wrestling. He really shouldn’t be able to move with the ease he does considering the fact that he’s about 6 foot 10, but he jumps about the ring like Rey Mysterio fulla tenner eccies and I’m into it. Doug Williams was the perfect foil. Neutralising the big man’s athleticism with all shorts of uppercuts and knees. Even a wee suicide dive, because its the fuckin Barras mate. If Doug Williams was going to bust the suicide dive out anywhere, its here.

The big man cleaned Williams out with a huge kick to the melt, but he used all that experience to roll out the ring for a wee breather. Quick fag, cuppa tea and a viscount and he was good to go again, only for Massimo to hit him with a backdrop out on the floor. It was a huge opportunity for Massimo and he was chucking all his Italian might at it. Doug was on top for majority and gave us a whole new appreciation for subtle but deadly offence. So many moves that involved bending an arm into an unnatural position, you were surprised Massimo didn’t end up with his arm lodged up his arse at any point. The big man did hit a Boss Man Slam out of nowhere to get a bit of momentum going, and bit of juice in his undoubtedly deid arms. He kept the arm juice flowing (nae idea whit the fuck arm juice is) with some brutal clotheslines in the corner before hitting the mark with a big springboard forearm to the dome but youthful exuberance can always be trumped by a veteran with ring unparalleled ring awareness. Or to put it less diplomatically, a cunt who knows how to cheat and get away with it as Massimo went for the big boot to the school only for Williams to dodge it and roll him up with the foot on the ropes for the win.

Massimo didn’t take kindly to the foot on the ropes and responded by embedding his foot in Doug Williams jaw, but the big yin needs to learn from this. Never trust a guy with a Union Jack on his jacket. They are almost always cheatin bastards in some way or another. Liked the match a lot, shame the crowd weren’t hugely into it but it was an interesting matchup and Massimo never fails to impress. More Massimo. More Trent Seven. And hopefully one day Massimo vs Trent Seven.

Nikki Storm vs Sammii Jayne (Loser Leaves Town Match)

It was a strange, bittersweet thing seeing Nikki Storm bow out here. On one hand you couldn’t help but get invested in one of the best built storylines on the card going in to the show, and that storyline pitted her as the pain in the arse vindictive villain, but in reality her leaving signals the start of a new chapter in her career and life, and its difficult to ignore how talented she is no matter how well she portrays a pain in the arse in ICW. So congratulations to Nikki for achieving something many of us could only dream of, but at the same time congratulations to Sammii Jayne for being the one who put the final nail in her ICW coffin. Barramania was a show rammed with opportunities and Sammii Jayne grasped her with both hands, turning in the performance of her ICW career to date.

Carmel popped out and said hello before joining Billy Kirkwood on commentary. Shite that she wasn’t involved in a wrestling sense somewhere but I guess if someone was gonnae contend for her belt it would have been one of these two. Nikki displayed the full range of skills that established her as one of the best in the world at what she does, but Sammii matched her all the way with various pinning combinations early on. Nikki bossed it for a bit, dropping Sammii on the apron, but she kept fighting. Missile dropkicks and double knees to the back with Nikki hung upside down in the corner. Nikki had to compose herself at one point because she got TOO caught up being raging for nae reason, to a point where she might have hurt herself or those around her. If she gets that raging just being in the match, imagine the wrath if she lost it. We seen that wrath and so did everyone in the front row who left the show without eyebrows or a soul.

Hate each other they most certainly do, but one thing Nikki and Sammii have always shared is a mutual appreciation for a good neckbreaker. Nikki hit a cracker after she’d been German suplexed oot her bootsts and they both had a shot of Nikki’s finisher, which also happens to be a neckbreaker of the fisherman’s variety; Sammii hit her own finisher, which is a slingshot neckbreaker, before Nikki rounded off the most neckbreakin sequence ever described here at Snapmare Necks (see thats a joke cause neckbreakers, in theory, would be responsible for snappin a lot of necks, wordplay) by hitting the eye of the storm from the apron to the floor, then the same move from the top rope but Sammii kicked out. I’m starting to think a neckbreaker might not actually break peoples necks. I don’t think Nikki knows that because the rage wis seepin oot her pores when Sammii kicked out. Maybe wrestlers have never known that and do neckbreakers genuinely believing they break peoples necks. I sincerely apologise if this is jarring news. Powerbombs don’t actually have bombs in them either, and moves with the word “gutwrench” in them don’t actually involve anyone taking a wrench to the gut.

It must have felt like someone had took a wrench to Nikki’s gut (this is a terrible analogy but we’re sticking with it) after the neckbreaker that ended it all. This match, her ICW career and probably her deep appreciation for neckbreakers in general as the move had betrayed her. The PNG (Proffesional Neckbreakers Guild) have been notified of her resignation from the board as Nikki took Sammii up top, only for Sammii to kick her to the canvas before nailing the slingshot neckbreaker off the top rope to bring Nikki’s ICW career to an end.

There must have been a bit of temptation to completely break character and give the fans a wee wave before departing from pastures new but the fact that Nikki Storm wasn’t willing to do that (as you can see above) sums up why she can and will make it over there. Complete dedication to being the very best she can be, and being the very best she can be meant being carried out the building literally kicking and screaming. She will undoubtedly be missed but at the same time she is undeniably deserving of this opportunity and you have to think its unlikely we’ll see her again. Sammii Jayne on the other hand now has the platform to build on this and take Nikki’s spot at the top of the women’s game in Scottish Wrestling and performance wise there are few who come close to her.

SEE YE EFTER NIKKI HEN. Its been emotional.

Big Damo vs Drew Galloway – (ICW World Heavyweight Title Match)

No matter the circumstances, Big Damo vs Drew Galloway is the symbol of wrestling excellence in the UK today. Two guys who have things no one else does. Like being a 23 stone partially shaved bear. No one else has that in wrestling today. Throw in the fact that he can fly into the pot and you have a dangerous champion who has the ability and probably the desire to eat you in one gulp. Drew Galloway is 6 foot 7, or 8, or 10 or fuckin 15. Point is he’s big and he looks like somecunt carved him out of a big block of handsome. Add a tremendous amount of wrestling ability into that big pot of genetic gifts and you have one of the best wrestlers on the planet today. In ICW he’s a prick but. Maybe not by choice, the fans decided he was one and he decided to dedicate the rest of his ICW career to reminding them that he’s very fucking good at this wrestling caper and rubbing their noses in it every chance he gets. The big bastard.

The odds looked to be stacked against Damo as The Black Label surrounded the ring, but the big man’s no daft. You don’t win big shiny belts being a dafty or even if you can win them, they’ll get snatched right back aff ye quicksharp. Damo made sure he at least had a fair shot of keeping it when his own merry band of assembled hauners came out to take care of The Label and it was down to a simple case of two massive guys knocking fuck out each other. Starting with rapid jabs in the middle of the ring before Damo suplexed Drew in the crowd. Only wrestler maybe on planet earth who can make that task look easy. For some fuckin completely unfathomable reason Drew thought slapping Damo about his hairy chin would be a good idea, and he took a big senton and and elbow to the throat for his troubles. Don’t slap a real life flying human bear mate. Of all the things you might do to such a creature, slapping it should never be even in the equation. Anything not involving a baseball bat is probably a bad idea. A belly to belly suplex was a better one, before the first Futureshock DDT of the night brought a two count. He’s a big bit ae a boy, might take two or three Futureshocks, or ye know….a bullet to the temple or something.

Galloway got on the mic to have a wee moan at the crowd no loving him. Might want to keep an eye on that beast you just DDT’d mate. His eye was firmly on him when he dodged the VanDamoNator to clean the big man out with a boot to the side of the head before hitting a superplex and a second Futureshock for another two count. If Damo is a bear, these Futureshocks are like tranquilliser darts and sometimes it takes two or three to take the bigger beasts down. Or again, bullet the temple. Murder is never ok in wrestling or anywhere, but sometimes ye just need to do whatever does the job in a timely fashion. Tried covering him with the aid of a chair, but even having a steel plated chest didn’t help. I think the message they were trying to convey throughout is the message that BIG DAMO IS IMMORTAL AND THE ONLY THING THAT WILL KILL HIM IS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. Or again. Bullet to the temple. That kills pretty much everything. Drew cleaned Thomas Kearins out with that big Claymore kick cause of course he did. Whenever he’s within 100 feet of him he has to kick another rid clean out his body but the ref being down saw a repeat of the exact scenario Damo faced last July when he went for the belt and Sean McLaughlin ran down to count the three only for Red Lightning to reverse the decision. This time he didn’t even let the decision be made at all. Dragging Sean out after a two count and laughing maniacally in a bears face. When will these cunts learn. Do not anger an already angry 23 stone man. It will lead to your death. Or in Drews case it lead to defeat. Even after Red dragged Drew out the way when Damo had him propped against a table in the corner, sending Damo through it, he still lost, and in a typically brutal fashion as Damo firmly established himself as THE guy.

Jester got involved and tried the dildo method. A chainmail dildo over the napper would surely get it done, but Damo ducked and Drew took the length instead. Never has Drew Galloway been brutalised and dominated like he was in that closing sequence. When he done it to Renfrew it was impactful because of what it meant with the title changing hands, but when he locked in that crossface, then elbowed the living fuck out of Drew, before locking it in again when Drew was clearly already out the game, it was impactful because it sent a fuckin message. Bring the best in the world and have them bring their whole team of hatchet-men, but one thing you’ll not be leaving with is that shiny belt. Damo deserves to be at the top of the tree because you believe he can stay there.

No really sure where this is going. Irreparably hungover from Mania shenanigans and that but I just saw a guy actually complaining about Austin giving a stunner to Xavier Woods, as if Austin had buried him and it was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. Fuck sake. Its a stunner. Seen a video of him stunnering literally everyone on the roster a few years ago and funnily enough their careers all recovered. Because its a fuckin Stunner.

People are entitled to their opinions and if you think a show is bad then by all means say that. If there was specific things that weren’t to your taste or whatever, say it. I’m not saying people should just pretend everything about every show is great, but for fuck sake, when it gets to a point where things like Austin giving out a stunner or 10 is a problem, you’re watching a totally different thing from me. If Austin, Foley, HBK, Rock and Cena appearing pretty much for the sake of having them appear irks you, you’re doing wrestling wrong. They are legendary figures and their bits were FUN. This shit is supposed to be fun. An escape from reality. The people who work in wrestling are the only ones who should concern themselves with wrestling being THEIR reality and dealing with the real life pitfalls of it, but the amount of chat I’ve seen today about booking decisions, and why they’re wrong would make yer heid spin. When did it stop being sound to let go and get invested as a fan instead of over analysing absolutely every facet of the show? I don’t get where the joy in being a wrestling fan comes from in that situation. Its like everyone wants to do a bad Dave Meltzer impression (leave that tae idiots like me who waste their existence writing about this shit in a much less financially rewarding capacity eh? cheers) instead of just WATCHING THE FUCKIN WRESTLING.

Yesterday I seen two very good wrestling shows. Both had their flaws, but for me both exceeded expectations. If I’m picking out the stuff I specifically didn’t like about Wrestlemania I’d say the ring clearing so Shaq and The Big Show could fight at the start of the Andre The Giant Battle Royal bothered me the most, purely because the guys in the battle royal are clearly the ones just thrown on the card for the sake of it for the most part and for them to have to dwell outside while a retired basketball player has the Mania spotlight irked me a bit. That was pretty much the only “booking decision” I didn’t like but even at that, its not the first time WWE have done such a thing with a celebrity and it won’t be the last. The only match I felt that fell short was Lesnar vs Ambrose but did it really? If Brock Lesnar fought Dean Ambrose in any kind of real life situation it would probably go a lot like that match did so its hard to argue with Brock pretty much battering him, but I wish Ambrose was given a wee bit more. That’s just personal preference shit though, I don’t expect WWE to cater to me and that’s where I reckon some wrestling fans have it twisted as fuck. Wrestling is a never-ending story and that story can change in an instant. People seem shocked that this is the case and its just completely and utterly baffling to me. Its never been any different but the existence of the internet makes it difficult to avoid folk whinging about it. Barramania was compelling, and the only thing I didn’t like was it running to a time that made making it home in time for Mania a doubt. But again. That’s a personal gripe and ICW are under nae obligation to end a show in time for you to see a different companies show on the same night, and I needn’t have worried anyway as we made it home with 3 minutes to spare. Enough time for a quick shite or a really long wank. The show itself was fuckin good. Cunts took risks so you’d be entertained by it, and I’ve always found this “WE NEED MORE” mentality in wrestling fans a wee bit off putting. Similar to when folk actually chanted “let Joe bleed!” during NXT like they have the divine right to influence a decision that could cause another person real health issues. Aye just let him keep bleeding into his eye. I’m sure that’ll be sound.

Point is (there is no point) just fuckin enjoy it. Its wrestling. Last night a multi-millionaire jumped from 30 odd feet in the air through a table purely to create a moment you’d remember. It was perhaps the least logical thing I’ve ever seen in terms of the risks of doing it and the potential rewards for Shane, but he done that shit anyway because as much as we all love it, wrestling is pretty ridiculous. That WHY we all love it and discussing it like its the fitba or something takes all the joy out it for me. If you really think you’d be that much better at it, be a wrestling promoter. Book a show. Don’t be a shitebag. You have all the answers after all. Should be a piece of piss. Or maybe just let the folk employed to do it continue to do their job. Here’s a couple of guys with their baws oot. What did you make of this booking decision? Would you have booked it baws in? Comment with an answer and I’ll be sure to read and shake my heid at it. x