Labour Election plans "hit by theft"

Staff arriving at the Labour main offices this morning were shocked to find a door forced and computer equipment stolen.

Senior Labour election planners have described the theft of a laptop computer from the party HQ as a "serious setback" in their preparations for the general election.

The computer, not thought to contain any confidential information, was loaded with customised software for automatically generating statistics, speeches and soundbites.

Labour party spokesman, Clarence Radley said "We now have no idea how many, if any, families have been helped out of debt, how much fairer Britain is under Labour, and we run the real risk of falling into cliche when finding ways of expressing how important and good we are as a government. We are, quite literally, sick as a parrot over this. And gutted. That too."

The Tories were quick to make political capital from the government's lack of statistics.

In a speech in Tunbridge Wells, David Cameron proudly announced a £135m increase in spending on green initiatives, a 28% increase in the chance of sun over the next week and a 42% year-on-year improvement in prospects for random numbers and buzzwords forming "a key platform for electoral mandates going forward into a new fairer future for those participating in the return to prosperity of the British economy".

"With the Conservative Party, you can be certain that our commitment to neighbourhood initiatives will form a greater part of our pledge for fairness for our hardest-working families to rise from poverty into a socially inclusive 34% rise in recovery", announced Mr Cameron, to a largely non-plussed audience.

Mr Cameron's aide hotly denied that the Tories were in any way involved in the theft, adding "You can be 94.73% sure of that fact."