I don't understand breaks, you either want to be with someone or you don't. I am under a ton of stress right now too. I work full time and am a full time graduate student. I have been working/in school 80 hours a week for the past 15 weeks and then go home and have to do homework and house related stuff such as cleaning, caring for pets and taking care of an acre of yard. I don't tell my husband I am stressed and need a break.

Life is stressful and if you are with someone and want to be with them you work though the stress with them. Next week I am working 60 hours, have two finals and a presentation to give directly after leaving work. We all have stress and we all have to deal to deal with it because it is a part of life. Is she going to take a break every time her life is stressful or she has to "figure something out" about her life?

I don't understand breaks, you either want to be with someone or you don't. I am under a ton of stress right now too. I work full time and am a full time graduate student. I have been working/in school 80 hours a week for the past 15 weeks and then go home and have to do homework and house related stuff such as cleaning, caring for pets and taking care of an acre of yard. I don't tell my husband I am stressed and need a break.

Indeed, the stress thing is a total copout. If you want to be with someone, you're going to lean on them when you're stressed, not try to push them away. The hardest working times of my life were the times when I couldn't have been happier to come home to someone that was kind and loving.

People deal with stress differently, we've just recuperated from a big fight and are back on track again, but the problem here is that she gets snappy because of the stress and I'm too stubborn to let her snap away.
So it's both sides being dumbasses here, I just want to make it clear to her we can have a relationship and that I can help her in this stage of life.

I do not believe "taking a break from the relationship" really exists...you either are in love and stay together or one of you want to be out and has no guts in saying it. I seen it happen all the time around me, and have it happen once with myself. I wanted a break from my bf because we got together without really knowing each other (just went with the feelings) and realised how much childish he is, month after breaking up he came back told him how it was and he went QQ. With my current bf now I do ask for a day of being alone, everyone needs some time but always crawl back same day because I miss his voice. <-- that is loving someone for real, even when I'm stressed he sticks by me when I complain

If your gf wants a break, tell her how you feel about it. Tell her what it can do to your relationship and if she is still willing to go through with it, then maybe it's a sign to say not to bother anymore.

Pause with no terms: Find another girl because she'll be gettin' it the first night.

Lol, nice sum-up, but she's not that kind of girl, believe me.
She's raised in a old fashioned way where she doesn't even dare shower with me if someone else is home.
Hell, she'll feel uncomfortable having sex with the cat near us! xD

Naw, she wouldn't dare, she truly is one of those too-kind-for-life girls who tries to do everything by herself.

---------- Post added 2012-12-03 at 03:12 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Cathina

I do not believe "taking a break from the relationship" really exists...you either are in love and stay together or one of you want to be out and has no guts in saying it. I seen it happen all the time around me, and have it happen once with myself. I wanted a break from my bf because we got together without really knowing each other (just went with the feelings) and realised how much childish he is, month after breaking up he came back told him how it was and he went QQ. With my current bf now I do ask for a day of being alone, everyone needs some time but always crawl back same day because I miss his voice. <-- that is loving someone for real, even when I'm stressed he sticks by me when I complain

If your gf wants a break, tell her how you feel about it. Tell her what it can do to your relationship and if she is still willing to go through with it, then maybe it's a sign to say not to bother anymore.

Thanks, but I'm sure you know simply saying 'We set terms on a pause or it's over' is damn near impossible for me?
I won't be able to function for atleast a week if we broke up.

Thanks, but I'm sure you know simply saying 'We set terms on a pause or it's over' is damn near impossible for me?
I won't be able to function for atleast a week if we broke up.

It sounds like you're on the right track. Offer to be there for her if she needs it, but allow her the space she wants to work out the stressy things in her life at the moment. Also be clear on what you want from the relationship - being supportive is great. Being a doormat... Not so much. It's a fine line though, and depends a lot on the personalities of the people involved.
Some people need to lean on their partner through tough times. Other people need space to get their head straight and work through their stresses. It's not necessarily a reflection on the relationship.

It can be suffocating to feel like you can't get breathing space in a relationship, and it's unfortunate but we do tend to take out our stresses on those closest to us, so try not to take it personally if she gets waspish with you.

It sounds like you're on the right track. Offer to be there for her if she needs it, but allow her the space she wants to work out the stressy things in her life at the moment. Also be clear on what you want from the relationship - being supportive is great. Being a doormat... Not so much. It's a fine line though, and depends a lot on the personalities of the people involved.
Some people need to lean on their partner through tough times. Other people need space to get their head straight and work through their stresses. It's not necessarily a reflection on the relationship.

It can be suffocating to feel like you can't get breathing space in a relationship, and it's unfortunate but we do tend to take out our stresses on those closest to us, so try not to take it personally if she gets waspish with you.

Good luck to you both. Hope it all works out.

Thanks, I really, really appreciate your help.
You've put me at ease about this issue and I'm sure we can work this out.

She doesn't want to break up, she wants some time and space to get her stuff together, but I think she needs to realize I can help her with that.
Maleren, thanks, your reply is what speaks to me the most, I really appreciate it.

you cant. that simple. you telling her that is basicly telling her shes incapable of dealing with her problems unless you help her. that comes off all sorts of bad. Please PLEASE tell me you have never said that to her, cause that will make things worse. When someone is stressed or depressed about something and wants to sort it out themselves trying to force your help onto her and 'convincing' her she needs your help is the exact opposite of helping. Shes not gonna realise that she needs your help if you keep trying to ram it down her throat. Step back. give her the space shes already told you she needs and in time hopefully she will realise she needs you on her own and then she will come back to you.

Ive been in your shoes and i made the same mistake you appear to be making. i diddnt get the message, i kept pushing because i knew i could help her. I lost her, i lost our child (which she found out about and aborted after shed officially ended it with me) and i have never gotten over it fully.

Please do not try and force your help on her. When shes ready to accept it she will seek it out. Trying to make her realise she needs it will kill your relationship. Shes already hanging up on you cause of this. Hopefully the damage hasnt already been done. Step back. Focus on something else and be there for her when she ASKS for your help.

you cant. that simple. you telling her that is basicly telling her shes incapable of dealing with her problems unless you help her. that comes off all sorts of bad. Please PLEASE tell me you have never said that to her, cause that will make things worse. When someone is stressed or depressed about something and wants to sort it out themselves trying to force your help onto her and 'convincing' her she needs your help is the exact opposite of helping. Shes not gonna realise that she needs your help if you keep trying to ram it down her throat. Step back. give her the space shes already told you she needs and in time hopefully she will realise she needs you on her own and then she will come back to you.

Ive been in your shoes and i made the same mistake you appear to be making. i diddnt get the message, i kept pushing because i knew i could help her. I lost her, i lost our child (which she found out about and aborted after shed officially ended it with me) and i have never gotten over it fully.

Please do not try and force your help on her. When shes ready to accept it she will seek it out. Trying to make her realise she needs it will kill your relationship. Shes already hanging up on you cause of this. Hopefully the damage hasnt already been done. Step back. Focus on something else and be there for her when she ASKS for your help.

Wow...
Thanks... I haven't told her that, I guess I shouldn't tell her I can help her... I should tell her I'm there when she wants it...
I should just give her the space and time she wants, and maybe only do some fun stuff once in a while?

Wow...
Thanks... I haven't told her that, I guess I shouldn't tell her I can help her... I should tell her I'm there when she wants it...
I should just give her the space and time she wants, and maybe only do some fun stuff once in a while?

Don't panic.

There's a world of difference between:
"You MUST allow me to help you with your problems, you can't cope without my help!"
and
"I can help with your problems, if you want me to."
The latter is absolutely fine. Absolutely nothing wrong with offering help. Just don't force it.

aye mate thats the best bet. Tell her your there for her if she needs you and then focus on enjoying your time with her. Arrange some fun stuff that she enjoys when yer together and dont smother her with texts/phonecalls when yer apart. Dont cut off all contact but keep it light, the sorta stuff youd usually chat about by phone or text.

whatever ye do dont get moody cause she wont let you in. I made it all about me and built an even bigger wall then she had by trying to force my help on her. by the time she had something she really needed my help on id already alienated her by trying to force my help on her.

By just focusing on enjoying your time together you will become her refuge where she doesnt have to think about the things that are stressing her out. She may not confide everything to you straight away but you will become her comfort when everything else is pulling her down. This is what she needs and it will keep your relationship alive. She will come round eventually but it will be on her terms. Just be there for her till then.

Walk away - if she wants a pause from you, she doesn't want to be with you. It's not fair of her to expect you to wait. It's damn selfish. Be a man and tell her to go to hell.

What does she expect, put your life on hold? Not date anyone, see anyone?

"Pause" means... "I found something better that I want to try out, but if it doesn't work out, I want you to be there - till the next pause"

You hang around and you just waste time - time you could be spending with someone who actually gives a damn about you.

All the people who are saying "give her time" are wrong.

Let me tell you something...
You can make more money, you can, if you have a lot of money gain power and even gain a lot more sex, but time... once it is lost, it is gone. Don't EVER let anyone waste your time.

Make the break. Deal with the pain. Move on. Find someone else. You are weak and setting yourself up for abuse with any other attitude.

If she wants a break, being there for her is the opposite of what you need to do.

She needs to remember that she wants you around, and the best way to do that is to not be around.

Take the break. She'll probably want to hang out with you during the break, be polite and don't argue back no matter what when you talk, but turn her down. Don't put up with mixed signals, don't be her halfway boyfriend. If she has you halfway, it's easier for her to slowly let you go. If she misses you and you aren't there, she'll start to evaluate whether she wants you back for real.

When she says she wants a "pause", what she wants is for you to grovel at her feet for her to come back and take the blame for all the problems of the relationship. Whether you want to do that is up to you.

So guys...
I've been in a relationship for 2 and a half years with the love of my life, but she's been having a rough patch lately.
She has a lot of stress and because of that, we argue quite a lot lately.
I've been agitated very quickly in the relationship earlier aswell, so now I know how much this hurts for the other.
She's thinking of getting a 'pause' on the relationship, but I am not quite willing to abide.
Actual pauses on relationships turn out bad 99% of the time, as far as I know.

So... What would you do?
a) Anything you can to make her change her train of thought and accept all the help she can get from me
b) let is all just go
c) actually accept the pause

Regards,
Jim

Option A. A pause will not do her any good (or you), besides it sounds a lot like the stress has gotten to her and she doesn't know what she really wants at this point. She may feel like a break is the answer, but it's not. Ask her what she means by break anyway, not seeing you for a while or just end what you have together (for whatever reason) and resume after a short while? She'll be happier that you're there for her, in the good and bad times.