UN condemns Edinburgh University students for abuse of Hugh Robson toilets

A UN panel has condemned the students of Edinburgh University during a hearing in which representatives of EUSA were questioned in public for the first time over allegations that it protected masturbaters at the expense of the Hugh Robson toilets. Hugh Murdoch, the president of EUSA, acknowledged on Thursday that the student body had been slow to face the crisis but said it was now committed to carrying out a full penetration of the subject.

Officials faced a fast barrage of hard questions covering why they would not release data and what they were doing to prevent future abusers from defiling the Hugh Robson toilets. They insisted that EUSA and the university had wrapped their hands around the crisis and were taking action to prevent future genital stimulation from occurring in Hugh Robson. However the UN panel, as well as toilet advocates, complained that there was still too little transparency.

“The view of committee is that the best way to prevent future masturbaters is to reveal old ones,” Phil Accio, chairman of the panel, said to the chagrin of journalists and delegates present. “Openness and exposure can only serve to encourage healing and rehabilitation, hard as it may get.”

Previously, EUSA had insisted it should not be held accountable for the actions of students in Hugh Robson, saying it is the responsibility of university staff to fill the holes by stopping the abuse. However, by insisting on using internal disciplinary measures to thrust at the problem, EUSA has “allowed the vast majority of masturbaters to escape judicial proceedings”. The report adds: “Due to a code of silence imposed on all students under penalty of ex-communication, cases of masturbation in Hugh Robson have hardly been reported to university officials.” The stiff code is still held rigidly in place, according to the authors of the report; two months ago, EUSA refused “to provide the committee with data on all cases of masturbations occurring within the tight quarters of Hugh Robson toilets.”

But Moe Lester, EUSA’s permanent observer at the UN, said the report only served to “smear the face of EUSA”. He said it failed to take into account EUSA’s “spurt of changes for the protection of the bathroom stalls” and that efforts at reform were “fact, evidence, which cannot be perverted”. Investigators agree EUSA has committed itself to fighting public masturbation, but say to drill through the essence of the problem, the Association must ensure that all its members are “made aware of their reporting obligations” and that “these obligations prevail over EUSA rules”.