Dear Dave… A Note to Cameron on the Tory Economic Policy

I’m not sure how you like to be addressed by friends: “your highness” perhaps? Whatever. Let’s scoot past the pleasantries, shall we? I’m not in the mood.

But hey, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. How do you feel? The economy shrank 0.5% in the last quarter, on your watch. Instead of growing, as predicted. Interesting. A couple of weeks back you said “Despite all the calls to turn back… we will stick to this course…. It’s because we’ve taken tough action that Britain is out of the danger zone today and able to grow.” Only, shit. The economy isn’t growing, it’s shrinking. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

Now you tell the cabinet “to recognise that there [is] no alternative”. Well I’ll be blowed. Here I was thinking it was your job to have ideas and stuff. What’s become of your fancypants education, Dave? I didn’t go to Eton or Oxford but somehow learned that if one plan goes catastrophically wrong you make a new one. Maybe that’s just me. You clearly love a bit of the stiff upper lip, though; the Blitz spirit, the charge of the fucking Light Brigade — as long as it’s someone else riding into the valley of death. Why change? You’d miss the fun of watching the poor folk fight to survive. Too much riff-raff washing around the country anyway.

At least we won’t have to worry about those nasty immigrants hanging around, what with there not being any jobs for them. There aren’t any jobs for anyone else, either, but really — that’s not your problem, is it Dave? It’s not your fault the lower classes insist on breeding children who grow up and have to work for a living. Not like you. Shining example of self-sufficiency that you are, you never need work for a living. You would never make any pesky demands like a living wage, or health care, or affordable public transport. Ruddy inconsiderate proles, wanting public services.

Silly people. Don’t they know the real problem is the weather? Georgie says so! Our dear chancellor spells it out: “It [is] clear that the fall in GDP was driven by the weather. There is no question of changing a fiscal plan… on the back of one very cold month. ”

It makes so much more sense now. You thought you got elected to govern some tropical paradise, I guess. No one told you that it sometimes snows in Britain. How on earth could you be expected to know that? You’re not God, after all. You just play him in Parliament….