What I’d Actually Like To Blow My First Paycheck On

This Friday marks my first payday at my new company, and I could not be more stoked. Going back to school for the past two years was a great decision for my career path, but it came at a huge hit to my bank account. To put it bluntly, I’m up to my taint in debt. I should definitely use this paycheck to pay my bills and tell Chase and Sallie Mae to stop sending me death threats, but here’s what I actually want to buy:

Just, like, five pairs of gym shoes

I wear Nikes between four and seven days a week, and while I try and keep them clean, I haven’t bought new ones in over three years. They’re old, they’re dirty, and some of them are literally falling apart. Come payday, there’s nothing more I want to do than hit the mall and pick up some new Frees, Adidas trainers, and maybe some Newbies to round out my dad look. I want a new fresh sneaker to match every possible outfit I could wear, and I want my feet to be dripped in nothing but mesh for the rest of my life.

An iPhone 7

Ever since my beautiful iPhone 6s was taken from this world at the tender age of one month after I bought it, I’ve been rocking an iPhone 5s. And honestly, it’s been fine. It runs great, it takes good pictures, and it lets me continue to base my self worth solely on how many retweets I get. There’s no reason I need to drop seven bills on a new phone instead of paying more than the minimum on my credit card for once. But yet, I need it. I see the look of pity I receive when people see me texting on my tiny phone, and I hate it. Several times, my manhood has taken a blow when girls pick it up and remark about how small it is. My phone is never used to take the group pictures, and therefore, I don’t get first dibs to the Instagrams. It’s an issue, and I’m over it.

An overpriced necklace for my girlfriend

Before you ask, no, it isn’t her birthday, our anniversary, or any holiday. She hasn’t been hinting at wanting one, and she would probably tell me to save the money if I asked. Nonetheless, she’s been putting up with my broke ass for the past year, listening to me bitch about school work and the job hunt, and just generally being the best support system possible. This is definitely and unnecessary expense, but one that I feel is deserved solely for every early morning when she left for work while I slept like a baby for several more hours.

A bunch of throwback jerseys

Never mind, fuck that necklace idea. Instead, I want to pick up a closet’s worth of jerseys. I know they make me look like a douchebag (or a child, depending on who you ask), but I don’t care. I’m thinking a Monte Ellis Warriors throwback, a Marshawn Lynch college jersey, and a Team USA Pavelski sweater. I might also pick up a JR Smith and Money Manziel throwback to wear to the bar when I want people to know I’m there to tie one the fuck on. Realistically, I’ll only wear these jerseys, at best, three months out of the year, but fuck it. I want them.

Music Festival Tickets

When you think about it, this is really more of an investment. If I don’t go to at least one grimy-ass festival this summer, how will I showcase all my sweet throwback jerseys? I can’t let that sunk cost go to waste. That’s just poor money management. Sure, dropping a few hundred bucks on what will essentially come down to blacking out in the woods for a few nights seems steep, but can you really put a price on finally realizing how old and decrepit you are?

A wildly unnecessary bar tab

Look, I know I shouldn’t do this, but at the same time, I know myself. When I get a paycheck that is roughly double what I’ve been used to over the past year, I’m going to start thinking I’m rich. Despite the very real numbers to counteract that thought, after I start drinking (roughly four hours after getting paid), all logic is going to leave my brain. Will I cover all my friends tabs as repayment for all the drinks they’ve bought me over the past year? Probably. Will I suggest we go to a nice bar for once since I can actually afford to drink in adult establishments? Definitely. Will I drag my friends to a club and get bottle service at 2 a.m.? Hopefully not, but who knows? What I do know for sure is that I will wake up on Sunday with much less money than I had 48 hours prior.

Will I spend most of my check on responsible things and manage my debt? Will I burn the whole thing on one or more of the above? Will I hate myself either way? We’ll find out on Friday..

The Marine Corps has these things called “wet-downs” where when you get promoted you take the difference in your new and old monthly salary and put it all towards a drinks with your friends and fellow Marines.

I vote for a wildly unnecessary bar tab. Plus then you can write into Will about how you got so drunk you called your new boss and are now wondering if you’re going to get fired.

I just got paid $6784 working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over $9k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. This is what I do
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Take a long weekend to a coastal location, I have Charleston in mind. Outlet mall for your new kicks, your 5s will still take some great ‘grams no matter where you are there, there is a decent enough music scene, and you can get the lady something pretty nice. You’ll see enough d-bags wearing throwback jerseys to find one you need to add to your list, or scrap the idea altogether. All while getting smacked by reasonably priced drinks. Besides, nothing says $30,000 millionaire like a South Carolina vacation.