I did manage to sleep last night, I think it is the second time in more than a year that I had a normal night's sleep, well almost normal anyway. I am hoping it will be the start of sleeping generally better because I already feel so much better today and I think if I could just have my sleep, then so much of the rest of the struggles would get easier.

Thanks Of course I am hoping for another good night, but if I get two good nights in a row it might be the first time in as long as I can remember. Probably more than ten years, no idea now that I try to think about it.

I have problems sleeping. Sometimes it's because of my mental illness.and sometimes it's down to being a 50 plus woman (sleep problems are very common for older women unless you're my mum or two sisters) .

I use a sleeping tablet 2 or 3 times a week. Phenergan is an over the counter drug and very good. Like most of these drugs you can only use them about twice a week or they'll stop working. Possibly you don't like the idea of taking tablets, I know a lot of people don't. For me it's the best solution as lack of sleep not only exhausts me but brings about fears re. sleep generally.

Thanks Deb, I am glad you have something that helps you. For a variety of reasons pills will not help me. I have to try to build a pattern for my life and it is not easy.

There has been so much going on in the last week or two, and I have been so low and exhausted that I don't even know where to begin with tell you about it. I think I was just starting to feel a little better when I broke my phone and since then I have had a lot of anxiety because it is like a life line for me. But at least I still have my laptop for now and the internet. A lot of my contacts I also have on Skype or email so I am not totally alone.

I may not respond to your posts all the time but I do read them You are an inspiration for many of us You are not alone. You and Biao were one of the first people to welcome me to this forum and have envouraged me to keep strong so I just need to say that you are very important to many of usPlease keep strong and please believe me when i say you are worth it

Actually it was something said about it being okay for me to be me that made me cry so hard because it was so kind that has somehow contributed to me feeling like I don't know how to post anymore. Not that it was a bad thing, it was good. But it just made me realise how much I do not feel like I have a place or a right in the world without doing something for someone else. And I want to let the kindness in and keep connecting with everyone here. But I don't really know who I am to do that connecting if you know what I mean. I can think with my mind about qualities I have or things that I do, or something like what I look like and the objects I might use or whatever and intellectually have some sort of idea about what I am, even though it seems to be a fairly changable thing. But when I sit still and try to let some kindness in, there is just a worthless heap of a person on a dirty floor in a corner somewhere, or sometimes not even that. Sometimes just a black space. I don't know how to be okay with who I am, because it is a worthless, shame filled nothing, unloveable, rejected and lost. And I am crying and crying and no one is listening. But I don't even know how I am crying or what is the I, because there is only the crying and the crying is more like a desperate howl. And there isn't any language anymore because there is only hurt.

So yeah, I don't know how to be okay with that. I only know how to be okay when there is someone else.

Well I am not sleeping but I managed to start posting again.I don't think I will always be able to post as much as I did in the beginning. But I will try to find a balance that isn't all or nothing. I have missed talking with you all. It just felt too painful lately.

Thanks for sharing that post. HUGSIt rang a lot of bells for me as I'm sure it does for a lot of others.I doubt it will help but I want to say that I know you well enough at this point to be certain that you are far from worthless and I am glad to know you and value your friendship.

What you said connects with trick I am trying to learn at the mo. Not to value myself because of what I do or who I am or for any other intellectual construct but just to value myself emotionally. Part of that is trying not to view myself as something to be ashamed of or something that needs fixing. To try not to say I am like this because... because that implies that there is something wrong with me. I've realised that I frame all my mental health struggles from the starting point that I am not good enough which just reinforces my lack of self esteem. I want to let go of that. These are new ideas for me and very difficult to reconcile with my existing approach. It's 2am and I'm waffling so I will shut up now.

Main point of post was to say I care and anyone worthwhile who knows you will care because you are you and that is good enough.x