Rejected Novel Titles: Revealed!

“And Then You Think Someone Dies, So You Cross Them Off And Then They Come Back And, I Mean, Come On…”

Title: 100 Years Of Solitude; Rejected Title: 100 Years of People With The Same Name So You Can’t Keep Track Of Squat

Title: The Great Gatsby; Rejected Title:How Gatsby Got His Groove Back (and then got shot in a swimming pool)

Title: Things Fall Apart; Rejected Title:F*** You, Whitey

Title: 1,000 Places To See Before You Die; Rejected Title: 973 Places You Won’t See Before You Die

Title: Love In The Time Of Cholera; Rejected Title: I Love You So Mu—EEWWW!! What The Hell’s Coming Out Of You??!!

Title: Lord Of The Flies; Rejected Title: Life’s A Bitch And Then You Crush Piggy With A Big Rock

Also rejected: “Who Loves Bunnies!?”

Title: Of Mice And Men; Rejected Title: The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men… Something Something… Hey, How Does The Rest of That Go? You Never Hear Anyone Say The Whole Thing. Anyway, Lenny Dies At The End And It’s REALLY Sad.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

It seems like there’s always a *few* you’ve seen. It almost makes it worse. If they were all expensive or far away, you’d forget about it. But there’s juuuuuust enough “Hey, I’ve been there!” moments to make you feel like a loser who never travels.

You know, the town I live in has been named one of America’s best places to die many times (by whomever makes such a list), which sounds kind of bad ass, until you realize it just means there’s lots of non-terrifying nursing homes and doctors.

With the 1,000 places book, it’s actually more like, “Hey, I’ve been there! Now that’s one less place I need to feel guilty about never putting down this bag of cheetos and getting off my couch to actually go see!”

Which then gets compounded by pages of “I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. Hey, I’ve been there! I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser. I’m a loser…”

You think 100 Years of Solitude is bad about people with the same names, I’ve been going through the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. EVERYONE has the same name. I mean, in one chapter you might have Shemerin and Sheriam and Elayne and Moirane and Egwene and Sevanna and Serenna….just once I’d like a good solid “Bob” or “Jennifer” in there somewhere. Sigh,

Oh, yeah, 100 Years is brilliant. I got SO MAD though, because I kept a flow-chart of characters, and crossed of someone who “dies” and then they turn up alive, and it was like Marquez was mocking me. “Oh, you won’t stay clear *that* easily!”

OMG, you kept a flow chart?? Now I don’t feel so bad for all of the spreadsheets I make (e.g., Number of Times We’ve Used The National Parks Pass; Hypothetical Amount of Money We’ve Saved/Lost by Using National Parks Pass, etc.)

That’s why titling upcoming trilogy “Who Loves Ice Cream!?” “Who Loves Pandas!?” and “Who Loves Puppies!?”. It all about the financing of the War of 1812, but I think the titles will get people to buy them all.

I really want to like “100 Years of Solitude” – I’ve read it twice trying to force the issue – but the cast of characters leaves me in the dust. Maybe I could decipher it the third time with your flow chart…