Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Camden forgot to change Elodie before he put her to bed last night. She leaked everywhere! It was literally from head to toe she was soaked. First bath of the day and first load of laundry was due to stinky baby skunk pee and Daddy.

Really I am as well to blame in the lonely day of gross. Next gross thing that happen... I was eating a no-bake oatmeal cookie and gave a tiny, tiny, tiny piece to Elodie. They have peanut butter in them and she is allergic. She has had a Reese pieces with no problem, so I thought maybe she had grown out of it. Her lips did get a little puffy and a bit red but that was it. I gave her some benadryl and thought maybe she is getting better. That was it, until I took my eyes off of her of course. Joaquin and I were in the kitchen and I hear a heavy thick cough. She threw up her entire breakfast in her lap, hit nothing else but herself. I quickly grabbed her to put her in the tub, as I did she turned her head and lost it all over the coffee table and rug. Actually that was a good thing, because if she would have turned the other way, she would have hit the Christmas tree. That would have been the end of Christmas for me all together. Second bath and second load of laundry was due to my stupidity and peanut butter puke.

Then they had a nap. Yeah! After cleaning up all of that I was in need of a break. I did get a little rest. I hid in my blankets and wished for a warm doggy to snuggle and tell my troubles to. No such luck with that coming true, before I knew it the disaster twins were awake and hungry. I go in their den of preschool evil to be hit in the face with the terrifying stench of dirty diaper. It was Joaquin! He hardly ever has accidents, he has been so good about going to the potty. I gave him a bit of that cookie as well. He is also allergic, but not as severe as Elodie. So that is how the rogue peanut butter decided to leave his tiny body and he couldn't wait to yell for me, poor thing. Gah. It was so explosive, so gross and so everywhere. Third bath I gave, third load of laundry due to again the stupidity of me.

Extremely challenging mommy day and like I said, mostly my fault. I just feel so lonely in all of it sometimes. I love being home with my kids. It is a really hard job to do. So the next time you see one of your SAHM friends, please give her a hug and a kiss. Take her out of the house in a cute outfit to a movie, dinner, drinks, or give her copious amounts of xanax or weed. Make her feel like a girl and not just the cleaner of bodily functions and mean babies. Believe me, she totally needs it, even though she caused it herself and she is totally stupid. Derp.

Friday, December 12, 2008

I am still in shock to look over at every practice and show and see JOSH F-ING EMERY!!! (F-ing isn't really his middle name, it is Christopher, explicative used only for dramatic effect.) I have admired Josh since he was in Gerald Music and now he is in my band. I am so happy and lucky.

Josh is handy and prepared. He usually always has gum and when he doesn't he shows you the gum in his mouth, to indicate that it is his last piece. I don't know why, it cracks me up when people do that. Josh has terribly cute habits. He will open his beer and then twist the cap back on in between drinks, weird huh. I have never seen another person do this. He seeks out the walls and the corners of rooms. He likes to just sit back and watch the whole scene unfold before him, taking it all in and filing it away. Josh has the best laugh, much like Janet. It is always my goal to crack Josh up, so I can hear his laugh and see his great smile. Josh has let me use his chap stick without fear of my girl cooties. I think that is so intimate, sweet, and a true sign of friendship. Ask a friend to use their chap stick, if they wipe it off before or after you use it, they hate you. It is true.

He has great relationships with his family. It is so lovely how he can just go to his parents' house and relax. He loves his brother and sister so much and talks about them often. He has the most beautiful daughter. I have yet to meet her, but you can see in her photos that she is smart, vibrate and will figure you out completely. Her eyes are intense and gorgeous. Josh is such a good daddy to her. He radiates such love when he speaks of her, it is going to be cool to see him with her when she comes to visit for the holidays. We already have a playdate planned with Monro. Awesome.Josh is the kind of friend that no matter what your plans are he is cool with it. You want to sit and watch a movie, Josh is down. You want to record kick ass music, Josh is so down. You just have to be the initiator and plan maker and he will be there. Josh is a very interesting person. He is so relaxed, but he is absolutely up for anything, including weirdo China Blue parties. He is down for hanging out until the wee hours of the morning with hardly a yawn. High energy people are the best, but you would never know he is like that. He needs a bit of warming up, not much, just a bit.

Josh and I have a lot in common. We have been through so many similar experiences. It is nice to have a friend around that knows where you are coming from. It has been such a short time that I have gotten to know him, but like everyone else in my band, I feel like I have always known him. He is familiar and comfortable to be around. He is so clever and witty. He cracks me up constantly. The other day he texted me in a movie, and I was trying to be all sly and read it under my coat. I get to the end of the message and it says, "PS-You really shouldn't be reading this in the movie theater." I lost it! I was trying so hard not to laugh, because of course it was a totally inappropriate moment in the movie to laugh. Ah, he is far too funny to handle.

He has a cool job. He prevents fraud and saves people from annoying hassles. He is a cyber super hero and it is very impressive. When he talks about work, I get the impression he is a really good boss. How could he not be, being as chill as he is? Josh is a geek like me. We love Harry Potter, Jim Henson, Star Wars, Pirates the works. It is forever nice to be in the presence of a geek. I don't feel shame when complaining about the sixth movie not being fucking released in November when it bloody well should have...ahem...I digress. Josh is the normal looking one in this picture.

Josh, I dig you. I tell you how great you are and I know you have no idea how to handle it and for that I am sorry. You, my little friend, are just going to have to come to grips with being a total BADASS. I am in awe of you all the time. I am always thrilled when we hang out and play shows together. You have really added so much to the music and it is crazy what a huge change it has made in our group dynamic. I have had my friends come up to me afterward and tell me how good and different the energy feels now. I attribute a lot of that to the addition of you. I am so happy and thankful to have you in my life now. You are so inspiring and I can't wait to make more music with you. Thank you for joining us and thank so so so so very much for being my friend.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

This is one of the strangest television moments I have ever had. Camden wasn't feeling very well, so he decided to sleep upstairs. I was in our room, reading and listening to TV. I was buried in my book when from the TV I heard hysterical laughing. I looked up and see my husband's body with AL ROCKER'S head superimposed onto it. No kidding!!! I was freaking out, thinking, WTF?!? The weird thing is that I wasn't even paying attention to the television until that moment, it was just on for noise.

I came out here to the computer to check if it was really him. I played the clip over and over again. Yes, indeed I was right it is Camden! He did a photo shoot about three years ago with a well known photographer named Daniel Arsenault. He sells stock photos, so that is where they got ahold of my Camden. Hilarious. Here is the clip if you want to see it. His body is about two minutes and fifteen seconds into the clip. They gave Camden's body a tan, but that is his tattoo and my old pants and belt! Wah!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

So the past three weekends have been amazing! I have bonded with so many people. I have been flooded with the joy and beauty my friends bring to my world, I just had to share...

Three Weekends Ago...We played the Fat Flake Festival. It was Josh's first show with us and it was really good, even though it was freezing. I am so glad they gave us a break to warm up. Brrr! Amanda and Cliff (or Chip as I have known him for over twenty years) came out to see it. It was so nice for them to travel all the way from Vernal to see me! I have never had a friend come out specifically to see a show before. I felt extremely special. We had great chats and drank tea, so fun. After the show everyone came over to my house for cake and ice cream. It was Ryan's birthday on that following Tuesday. He needed a little bit of Cavedoll love for his b-day. It was rad.

Two Weekends Ago...The television died. Hooray!Camden and I took the whole family to Body Worlds. It totally tripped me out. I was so giddy. I love anatomy and learning about the complexities of the body and mind. It is crazy how we are hunks of meat that are so diverse, so beautiful and so intricate. It is even more crazy that our emotions boil down to favorable or unfavorable chemical responses. (I am being extremely general of course.) But it was so cool. At the end of the tour people were given the opportunity to write a body secret anonymously that would hang on the window of the Leonardo for the duration of the exhibit. Some of them were extremely disturbing and other's were just hilarious. I wrote one too, but I will never, never tell what it was, never. Shhhh. It was so meaty rad.

Later that night I went over to Allison's and then from there we were going to the Urban to see Jeremy Enigk. Allison is so funny and she is so nice to laugh at all of my goofy stories, SHE has the best laugh, it kills me. It was really the first time she and I had hung out one on one for an extended period of time. Can you believe that? We couldn't either. We then met Josh at the Urban, he went there with Gerald Music kids. He was stuffed from dinner. He looked so cheerful and happy to be there. HE has the best smile, it totally kills me. We also met up with Gavin, blogger extraordinaire. He looked pleased and pleasant as usual. Oh the music was so perfect! It was so lovely to experience that with my friends, it was a real bonding experience for me. I felt instantly closer to them, and instantly like making music with them. Which we then did...Josh came over the next day and recorded guitar parts and Allison did her keyboard thing on a new song called "Vader." Everyone in the band thinks that this is their most favorite so far. It is/was sexy music rad!

This Weekend...Well as you very well know, Thursday was Thanksgiving. I didn't have Monro this year, so we decided not to make a fuss on that day and do our family thing when he got home on Sunday (which we just did and it was nice, uh huh). Camden and I made tacos on Thursday and watched "Hancock." It was entertaining enough. Not usually my kind of movie, but it was funny. We recorded and recorded and recorded. On Friday we watched "Tropic Thunder," it was so weird, but so funny. It was completely over the top crazy, I felt insane just watching it. Anyway back to music... We have some pretty fun songs this time around, I am so excited to play the new ones. them.

Yesterday Allison came over after work and spiced up a few songs with her sugar. She is so talented and has a great ear. Josh came over again, bless him, after working out. He is such a trooper. He recorded more stuff that totally blew my mind. I love what he can do with that guitar, awesome. Then he and I went to Janet's to help her celebrate her birthday. After some convincing we went to a party at China Blue. Salt Lake parties of legend are held there, so I have been told since I have lived in this city. I had friends that went to their parties, but was never made it up myself. It was hilarious! I got pretty drunk. Drunker then when I was in Tulsa. Very few have seen me this "let loose," oh god it was fun. I totally needed it too. It is always good to let your mind go to see where you must follow it. I absolutely loved it. Janet and Josh were the best party mates and dance partners ever bitches eyeah! It was all too weird to completely describe, but I will try. There was a bunch of beautiful people there, all plumed and pretty. The walls were a covered in different murals every few feet and the air for a while was tinged with the smell of burnt cookies. A tree was almost set a blaze while someone was attempting to juggle with fire. Belly dancers moshed upstairs while Janet and I, once again, got the dance party started. We then went back to our spot in the front parlor, where it was mostly dark except for the spinning disco lights that happily danced over a cardboard cut out of our Lord Darth Vader, as he sported his blue metallic mullet wig and wrong color light saber (was I the only one that noticed his faux pas?). I felt very at home here. Janet, Josh and I chatted with every one that came through this funhouse. Everyone of them were gorgeous and entertaining. The party came to us. We WERE the party, as in the new Salt Lake legend that I am now trying to start. If you see a Cavedoll follow them, they know where the fun is. It was the most rad.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Elodie got her braces today. Woo-Hoo!!! The go up to her thigh and have a locking hinge. (Don't you love that word? Hinge.) When she is standing the lock slides into place and the braces support her knees so she can stand. After her fitting, I put her down in the elevator and she stood up happily holding onto the rail. She giggled as she saw us going up and up and up! She got a walker to help her get around. She was so excited, she even took a few small steps. I was seriously loosing my mind when she did it! There were three other families in the therapy room and I was totally making a fool out of myself, clapping, cheering, even some jumping up and down. It is so echoey in there, the whole hospital probably heard me freaking out. Joaquin was helping too. He was right there with me saying, "Come on baby, walk!"

I took this picture with my camera phone, so that is why it is not that great. She really took to the braces and the walker. I am sure she will dig this walker more than the pony one, because in that one she can't move the wheels as well. She was exploring and curious which is exactly what we want her to be. She didn't fuss or anything. I am so proud of her and thankful for what movement she has. I love going to Shriner's because it really helps put things in perspective. Today there where a lot of older kids in the orthotic department, most of them with much more serious issues than Elodie. Those kids and their families are such an inspiration to me. If they can do it, so can we, this is how it is and I am grateful.

That reminded me an annoying experience at Elodie's 18 month check up last week. Her regular doctor wasn't available so we went to the physician assistant. It was a routine sort of visit, nothing serious to discuss. She pretty much just needed to be measured and needed her shots. But the PA, insisted on being an a-hole and talking about whether I had fears that Elodie was going to be in a wheelchair all her life and not get any dates in high school. Pfft... Can you believe that? I mean sure, it is a concern, but I don't think or focus on it. I was more fearful that she had cancer or something deadly than whether or not she was going to be serious make out material in high school. Lame. Wheelchair or not, she is my daughter and I love her just the way she is, and her good friends will too. She is super cute, so I know that dates won't be a hard thing for her to come by. I was so pissed but I was respectful to the a-hole. Gah, some people. But he was pretty old, so I know he grew up when they used to throw disabled kids in institutions and forgot about them. I know some people have a problem with kids that aren't totally perfect, but I sure as hell don't, mine or anyone else's. It was so lame that a medical professional could be so clueless. My mama lion almost came out and scratched his face off. I guess I need to get used to that sort of ignorance. I don't mind answering questions, it is just the assumptions that boil me up inside. My Elodie is probably the smartest, most well adjusted kid I know, and I know that nothing is going to knock her down. Except maybe if she doesn't have her braces on and her brother pushes her over, then she will fall down. We must get used to that as well.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

My friend Melissa is in the process of making her foster daughter Emma a permanent member of her family. She was in court yesterday for Emma's biological mom's hearing. She said the judge didn't make his decision yet, and requested that people put Emma and the judge, Judge James Michie, in your prayers and prayer list at churches and temples to make the right decision and put Emma in Melissa's home permanently.

I have known Melissa for over 20 years and know that she is the right person for Emma. She is so loving, caring, and nurturing. Her mommy blog is so cute, she devotes so much to her two children. Melissa's home is Emma's best chance at a happy home life. Please send her good vibes and pray if you do for her family and the judge. It is so hard to be in the state of limbo when it comes to your baby. Please help me with this one! We LOVE YOU Emma!!!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My Joaquin is so funny. Reading bedtime stories to him has to be a whole production. He prefers wild actions and that I sing the book instead of just read it. He even counts me in "...1...2...1, 2, 3, go!" Last night I was reading/singing/shouting a book about a rooster, it had a bunch of other animals in it. I pointed to the frog and ask Joaquin, "Quiner [KEY-ner] what is that?" He looked at me really worried, and said "Isa book, mom.""No, look what is this?" Tapping on the picture of the frog.Hand on my arm, "Mom, isa book," he ran over to his other books and picked one up and said "See, book!""Oh okay, sorry I forgot what it was called."He said, "Sats okay Mom!" and counted me back in "...1...2..1,2,3 go!"

Saturday, October 25, 2008

So I haven't talked about Cavedoll for awhile. There has been a lot going on, but I haven't put it all down. The election usually takes up most of my time on the computer lately, gah. Too much research, I will be so glad when it is over 10 days, mofo! Go Obama Go! Okay enough of that....

After Elodie's lump phase, I felt like my priorities needed to be hard core focused on my family. I felt that being in Cavedoll was a big distraction at the time and it wasn't giving me much pleasure. So I quit. I quit all the time, really. I am like Brett from "Flight of the Conchords," (if you haven't seen that show, then you haven't really lived.) I get frustrated and think that the band is pulling Camden and me apart rather than pushing us closer together and sometime it is. If you haven't noticed, he is always creating music at times he gets lost in it all. I felt that was happening again when Elodie was having surgery and such. He was expressing his emotions through the magic of song, and I was crying my eyes out. It was a lonely time. With much love, understanding, and peer pressure mostly from Camden, I didn't quit after all. It is all self-created drama. I try not to do that, but sometimes I just get so freaking pissed I can't help it! We took a break and now I am feeling better about it. So that is my deal.

Allison cut the hell out of her hand...twice! She cut her thumb with a knife pretty badly one day. Then she cut the part between her pointer finger and her thumb soon after that with a broken glass. That cut was the kicker, it was so deep and awful she had to get stitches. She hasn't been able to play for awhile. I saw it today, it is healed, but it didn't really look like the stitches took. Its healed inside, but she still has a gash. It is quite the scar. She played today and said that it was fine. JanetMarie thinks it was some sort of glass karma, because Allison threw a bottle at a wall one night. Whatever the reason we think it sucks, and it has so hard to see her all bandaged up. We are glad the glasses have stopped taking their revenge.

JanetMarie has been particularly busy. She has had her house completely gutted and remodeled. It is amazing! She got all new appliances, floors, paint, a bathtub (finally!), and two bedrooms. It is not quite finished, but it is so close. It looks beautiful. We are so happy for her and Rick. They totally deserve it. Ryan also built a new deck for them and it looks great. We can't wait to party it up in there and put in some good vibes.

As for Ryan, I have no idea what he has been up to lately, other than he went to the B.A.S.H with JanetMarie and built her pretty deck. I haven't talked to him much because I usually talk in texts and he no longer has texting on his phone. I text Allison and JanetMarie a lot. I miss that so very much with Ryan. Ryan is the funniest texter. He is such a smart ass. (said like Mike Myers' Scottish accent.) I know he has voted and someone stole his cooler, so he had to use a little pink lunch sack to tote his beer and testicles over for the last practice. BAHAHAHAHA! I am hilarious! Ryan is the best. He is the most excellent friend and a great dad. I love having him around.

Finally onto the NEW CAVEDOLL! Josh, TA-DAH! Camden has found another guitar player. Someone he has been wishing for ever since his music put on the current Cavedoll persona. We knew Josh way back in the day when he played for Gerald Music and Hello Amsterdam. He is really nice, quite, but you can see there is definitly some feist there. He is exceptional at learning quickly. Camden has been emailing songs to him and he has got them down. He added some nice new flava to "45 Minute Dance Party" the other day. It is super sweet, you can hear it on our myspace. His guitar is cool and clean sounding and is a good contrast against Camden's. We are thinking about getting rid of the backing track because it is now so full and lush with Josh. He has really brought new life to our songs. He adds soooo much. We are all very excited to write new stuff with him as well. Today we made it somewhat official by posing all together with other local bands for the cover of Live and Local Vol. 5. Woo-Hoo! We are now six of one, half dozen of the other. The same. Our next show is November 15th at the Gallivan Center with Josh in tow and I will try not to quit before then. I will try really hard.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

People always come up to the house and want to trim our trees or cut our lawn or sell us something. I NEVER answer the door when I am home alone with the children and don't expect anyone. If I know you, yeah I will answer, but strangers, no. NEVER! It isn't because I live in a bad neighborhood, it is because I don't need to or want to, that is my right as the owner of this house. Maybe I am paranoid, but I am a momma lion after all. I keep my cubs in close.

About two weeks ago I had this strange issue with some "gardeners." These guys were going around the neighborhood ringing bells asking for work. They came to our house THREE times in ONE day!!! Isn't this insane? I know they knew I was home, the first time. Joaquin was running around screaming and we were dancing to loud music. I looked out the peep hole, saw people I didn't know, so continued dancing with my kids. I thought done and done, when they went away. But they came back about two hours later while the babies were sleeping, and again I didn't answer. They rang the bell like little kids do, like over and over again really fast. I was texting Camden while all this was going on and he couldn't believe it. Then the same guys came back when he got home a few hours later. He told them to stop ringing the bell like that and to not come around anymore, we simply weren't interested. The guy actually looked hurt, as if Camden was at his house harassing him. They left and said sorry for bothering us. Again, I thought that was that....

They came again today! The babes are sleeping and the house is completely quite. Go the F away! I wanted to write about this to see if I am the one that is crazy or are they? This all seems a little bizarre to me, if someone doesn't answer the door, and tells you they aren't interested, wouldn't you just leave them alone? It is freaking me out a little. I need a "No Solicitation" sign for all my doors. Does anyone out there not answer the door when they don't want to or I am just ridiculously rude? I just want to be cautious, or am I being too cautious? Ummm....Thoughts anyone?

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Everyone is in bed so I am reading blogs and my friend Mandy had this on her blog. (www.yearbookyourself.com) It is so funny I had to do one. I have been seeing these around on myspace and such, but had no idea what it was until Mandy's blog.

Here is my first attempt Knessa 1994.

It is a bit scary 'cause it looks too real. In 1994 I had long curly hair that I rarely raked through. I parted in the middle and let it go wild. At least in the fake photo I look like I made an effort for my classy yearbook pic. Ugh weird.

Here is the Master Piece Knessa 1964!

Bahahahahaha! I laughed so hard when this popped up! Awesome. I probably would have been this geeky in 1964. You can adjust the photo to make the eyes fit in the glasses, but as you can see I choose not to! Bahahahahahaha! I love this one and the glasses, I think this should be my new press photo. What do ya think?!?

Friday, October 3, 2008

Elodie had her first physical therapy appointment at Shriner's on Wednesday. Her therapist is named Mark and he looks similar to my high school friend Jay Haslem. I liked him, Elodie did too. He has a different therapy philosophy than the other therapist we work with and I dig that. Good to try things for Elodie from all angles.

All brains work differently, of course. He thinks it is better to see how Elodie is going to move and go from there, rather then try to teach her a way to move that might not be efficient for her brain. Mark thinks that it is more important for children to adapt their skills to their skill level so tasks can be completed. He thinks that trying to teach a child to move traditionally might not work all the time. Mark also thinks that Elodie's army crawl is fine and he doesn't want to focus on making her crawl traditionally. She has shown that she can get around just fine to explore and get in trouble. He wants to strengthen her legs and abs more to get her to stand.

Introducing the Pony walker! Pictured above, Elodie can stand in it! She is completely supported and her little feet touch the ground. It is designed so that she can push off the ground with her feet and roll along. She has pushed of hard once during her appointment, but now she is sort of pushing a little bit, like little twitches. It is amazing! I am watching her in it now. She is standing, doing her little pushes, and watching "Finding Nemo" with her brother. My eyes are glossy with tears. We are just borrowing the Pony Walker for a little bit to see if it helps her. I think the little pushes are going to help her get strength in her bum and thighs. Also I sit behind her and cue her legs by moving them in a walking motion and make a noise so she can connect the two, it sounds like "Pashooo!" Hopefully we can keep it for longer and maybe she will take her first steps in it! Just to see her moving her legs at all is so exciting. She is so tall when she stands, it is the cutest thing in the world. Mark said that once she gets her AFOs she will have an easier time pushing with her floppy little feet. They will help keep her joints ridged.

I am so happy that she likes it. I was scared it would freak her out, but I am really learning that this girl loves to try new things. She plunges into stuff with all the confidence of a much older kid. Elodie has a "can do" attitude. It makes me so proud. I hope she keeps that forever. I think she gets it from her daddy. She works so hard at everything she does and I just have to teach her something once and she's got it. I will do my best to encourage her sense of adventure and feist, having two rambunctious older brothers will help too, I'm sure. I yelled at Joaquin a little while ago to get his foot off her head, and she bit him. I think she will be just fine.

PS- The reason why the pictures have weirdo lines on them is because when we went hiking a few weeks ago, I fell on it. I was holding Joaquin, walking down a hill and slipped, the camera was in my back pocket. I crushed the display. It still works, but we can't see the pictures and now weird lines. Meh. Maybe we can get a new one at Christmas, but if not we will live with the lines.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I wonder what Ms. Couric thinks while doing these interviews, because her face, doesn't look so unbiased. Hehehe.

Well this is what I think. First off feminism is not a girl being able to do traditionally perceived boy things. Women have always taken on hunting, fishing, wood chopping and sports. Most of the women I know have been expected to do everything that the boys can do. Does Sarah Palin really think that is what feminism is? That is what it sounded like to me. What I define my feminism as is, I want to be equally accepted for being born a female. I want my thoughts, work and my experiences to be valued and respected by all I come in contact with in my life. If they are not, I don't want my sex to be a factor in the evaluation of those things. I also don't want to be exploited for being a female either. Females are different then males, (duh) and both sexes should be valued for their different strengths. I know my brain doesn't function the same as my husbands, but it doesn't make it bad. We handle a great many things differently, but I honor my husband for what he is and he does the same to me. Feminism for me comes down more to mutual respect, what is needed in all relationships to function properly.

She says it herself, Joe Biden has the experience. He was giving speeches and she was in the second grade. It is bad for Joe Biden to be 71, but okay for Mc Cain to be 72 running for office. What is this logic? Such blatant hypocrisy. Why is Mc Cain still harping on Obama's inexperience when he chose a running mate that has such marginal governmental experience? A heart beat away is far, far too close!

Next, ah...Sarah Palin can't name one newspaper or book she has read, or reads. What?!? Where does her information come from to create her "world view?"

She sure can tap dance around question she knows are controversial to answer, like the environmental issue. I don't think I have ever heard her say "yes" or "no," to any question. That is an easy statement to make when she has only done a handful of interviews. HA! She does the same thing with the morning after pill question.

One of the biggest issues to me is HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A CHOICE!!!!! You can't pray it away you can't decided one day to be gay and then not. It doesn't work that way. By her logic, that would mean that she chose to be heterosexual and we are all neutral until some one shows some interest or until we get burned by the opposite sex one to many times and have to switch teams. GAH! This gets me so angry. It shocks me that people believe some one would choose to be gay, and choose to have that kind of discrimination and hate directed toward them from homophobes and bigots. I guess it is people like me that add to the confusion. I am an openly bisexual female. I have always been sexually attracted to both males and females, but I didn't choose to be that way. That is the way my brain works. I married Camden because I am in love with him, but could have easily felt that same strength of love for a female. But really the "gay choice" issue comes down to misinformation and not really knowing a homosexual person. If Sarah Palin were "absolute best friends" with this gay women for 30 years she would probably know better, and since she is in a place of power, shouldn't she want to help the quality of life for her "best friend?" I know I would. She says she isn't going to judge a persons' life, but her not siding with equal rights legislations for gay marriage, adoption, insurance, etc. are judgements. Judgements that state the gay person made a bad choice and should be forever punished by not having the same rights that all heterosexuals have. Ridiculous. Imagine if your child were gay, would you think that your child should be denied a loving marriage, or a child, just because of their sexuality? Anyone out there who could possibly think that being gay is a choice, I ask you to be brave and ask a gay person. Everyone has one in their family, so look them up give them a call and ask.

I hope that people that read this will get their news from reputable sources, Fox News doesn't count, it is ran by Bush's family. Please look up all facts stated in emails and youtube videos you get in your inbox, be it pro-Obama, or pro-Mc Cain. The hate and propaganda politics need to end! Inform yourself to be a responsible voter. Watch and donate to PBS and NPR. I am as liberal as they come (obviously) and I hope for the sake of our country Obama is our next president. Maybe if not only for the sake of the country, but to keep Palin out of the oval office.

Yesterday Elodie had her first visit at Shriner's Hospital. Walking into that place was almost magical. It is a beautiful small hospital. It is so clean! The cleanest hospital I have ever been in, all the toys and books looked brand new. I think people are really grateful to be in there, so they take way better care of it than a regular hospital. While we were getting registered, Elodie checked out a dog counting book, with all sorts of puppies in it, she loved that.

We met with Dr. Woiczik, (Y-check). She was very nice and petted Elodie's head. Elodie is getting more and more wary of doctors. That is something I don't know how to fix with her being so small. Now when she lays on the examination table and hears the crinkly paper she gets nervous. Dr. Woiczik did an evaluation of her skills and will be following her progress. She ordered physical therapy for her, and Elodie can go as much as we would like her to go. Elodie was also fitted for some AFOs (ankle foot orthotics). They are braces she will wear when she is getting around that will help her ankles and feet stay in the right position, just like her Happy Straps work for her hips. The hope is that she will get more strength in her feet and ankles if she can learn to stand on them in the good place. She can't stand without help yet. We got to pick out the color and pattern for the velcro and foam. Elodie choose black with little purple, pink, and teal flowers and purple velcro. The ortho tech casted her feet and legs to get an exact fit. She was so good during that process, it took a long time. She will get the braces in a few weeks when they are made. Ahhh....Her first couture item, specially made for my little miss. I told her once she learns to walk I will buy her tons of shoes to wear. One for every outfit if she wants, she deserves it for working so hard against the lump's damage. We are going back on Wednesday for her first physical therapy appointment. We checked out the physical therapy department while we were there, it is super cool! There are so many things to play on and with, she is going to have a blast. (fingers crossed) On Wednesday we will get her on a set schedule for her therapy.

The really cool thing about this hospital is that they will keep tabs on Elodie until she is eighteen, if she needs it. She is in the inner circle. She can get physical therapy, orthopedic braces, x-rays, and medical care all for free. We are so priveledged to be a part of it. The only thing is that this hospital operates on donations. I worry that things that could help my girl could be cut due to the state of the economy. I guess there are big strokey beard meetings going on about that very thing. If you can please donate to Shriner's and other worthy charitable causes. They are tax deductible after all and every little bit helps. If you can't send money, they are happy to take books, toys and time. It really is a lovely place for children. It is so welcoming and pleasant. I am so thankful to have Elodie there. Yeah Shriner's!!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

My spongy heart has been full and heavy with the recent experiences some of my friends have had and the current state of the economy and election. I have been syrupy soppy with all sorts of emotions. In acting class you are taught to keep a "sensory journal." You are to write down things you hear, see, or experience and exactly how you it makes you feel. You are to take it all in, write it out, as to purge and learn how to respond. I have been taking this all in forever, but have not got it out, hence the syrupy soppiness.

I have very lucid dreams quite frequently when I ignore my emotions and stuff them down. I believe it is my higher self telling me what I should do in a sneaky way. Last night I dreamed a very telling dream, of what I think I need in my life, of what we all need. I was a part of an organized Volunteer Cuddle Program in my dream. What it consisted of was people who needed to just feel human touch and the need to be loved could come together and just hold one another. You could talk and spill your guts, but the other person didn't need to solve you issues, just to listen and love you. In my dream I was holding my friend Lance. He is a person I don't know well, he is in the local music scene, but we don't hang out or whatever. He was sad about his business and his dog. (I don't even know if he has a dog, that is how well I know him) It seemed so real, and the feeling of listening and giving love to a person I don't know very well was so enlightening. It was so good to just look at him in the eye and say, "It is okay, you are cared for you are loved by your friends and family, no one will let you be harmed." I deeply meant every word and he was grateful. I wish that this could be so in real life, without the messy innuendo it would eventually cause. Gah, people, I think at times we all think too much about things and I wish we could just express our emotions without fear of rejection.

(Imagining you, the reader, holding me tight, listening close and making me feel loved)In this time it feels as if nothing is permanent. People are loosing their jobs, homes, relationships, and more. The simple basics of human need are spilling through peoples' fingers and my heart is heavy. I feel that no one is safe from these times. It is down right frightening. It all seems that people are completely rearranging their lives by force and not choice, me included.

I have been looking for a job. I don't want a job, I have the best job in the world. I am so scared to break it from my focus. Once you go back to work after having kids it seems that that is it, no more staying home with the kids. The money is too important to give up. I am not ready to go to work, to change my life. I am not comfortable putting my kids in day care. Monro had day care when he was four, but at that point it was a good thing for him. He was getting ready for school and the world. But the little ones are still just babies and need their momma. They aren't even totally potty trained yet. The thought of some one else guiding my kids full time, makes me sick, even if it were someone I truly loved and trusted. It literally makes my stomach turn. I want to take some of the financial burden off Camden so he doesn't have to work every single day, but how do I do that and stay home with my kids? That was always my dream, to be a stay at home mom. I never really had a definite career in mind as a younger person. I didn't have a competitive drive to have a big important job. I just wanted to get paid in kisses and hugs. I think that is because I never had that sort of guidance when I was a kid. I feel if I have a job I am letting them down. If I don't I am letting my husband down, and then the wolves would scratch louder at the door. It is tough times for all and the world needs rearranging.(Imagining you, the reader, your heart beat in my ear, the same as mine, because we are the same)

I am so glad that we have an election coming up soon. I really do think that America in on the precipice of change. Sometimes I feel so little would make it better for all of us. We just need more understanding and help from one another. Know that in through your difficult times I am here. I will hold you, be it virtual or real, just to make it better. I am a fantastic listener, tell me your story. (vac@kitefishingstudio.com) I know this post is a bit all over the place, but so am I. I am having a hard time focusing on stuff, because stuff just keeps changing. Thank you for letting me take it all in and write it out, I needed that.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Don't those words above sound great together? Anywhoooo..... My girl had her post op visit with Dr. Rollins today. It was pretty uneventful. She had to have a chest x-ray to make sure that she healed up fine on the inside. She did. But she freaked out when I put her on the x-ray table. The girl lost it. I know she remembered the last time we were there. She had a chest tube and it hurt so much for her to be picked up and moved around. She is smart, nothing gets by her. She was completely panic stricken! Elodie screamed! That is totally weird because she never, never freaks out like that, especially in public.

Trauma aside, she is fine. Joaquin and Monro came with us. Joaquin was very interested in seeing the bones of his little sister. Her head was kind of down in the frame, so you could see all of her gnarly teeth under her gums. Joaquin loved that, he kept pointing at it and then his teeth and biting the air with excitement. He got a sucker and some stickers for being super cute. He had charmed the office staff in the short time we were there. He was wearing an old pair of sunglasses, and then tucked them in his shirt. The girls in the office were calling him "the movie star." He said bye to each one of them and gave them each a high five and knuckles (or terrorist fist jab, as it has been called on Fox News), and we were out. Ta-Da! So in a few months Elodie will have another CT scan to make sure that the lump is shrinking and that is that. She had two sessions of PT these past few weeks and she has been doing great. Her legs are really engaging.

I am off to make lasagna for a debate watching party over at Ryan's. I can't wait, it is going to be an awesome freak show! Better then Project Runway! Vote for Obama people, he is our only hope!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

No, no, no, not me! My friend Brynn had her little boy on Saturday. I am so happy for her. It seems like an eternity when you are preggers and then bam all over, and you have this little person attached to your heart for the rest of your life. It is an amazing feeling, scary mostly but full of love and tears. Birth stories are so interesting, if you don't know yours you should ask yo mama.

Monro... March 6th 10lbs 12oz 23.5 inchesI was so stupid when I was pregnant with Monro. I was only 19 when I got pregnant and 20 when I had him. I didn't have a whole lot of support around to tell me how to take care of myself. The midwives were not concerned with how huge I was getting until it was too late and I was 187lbs and almost ready to deliver. I got preeclampsia, which is high blood pressure and headaches a whole host of other uncomfortable things, so I had to be on bed rest for the remaining two months of my pregnancy. It wasn't all day, just five hours out of the day. I had to lay on my left side to get my pressure down and I had to check it all the time. Gah. I was so huge. I only had three shirts that fit me and two pairs of pants. I had to wash them out by hand, because we didn't have a washing machine.

On the fourth of March my water broke while at Liberty Park. We went over to my ex's parents house and called the midwives. We went up to the hospital and confirmed it. It wasn't like in the movies when everything just bursts, it was a slow leak, ugh, I know. The nurses wanted me to stay at the hospital, but I hadn't eaten anything since seven that morning and you can't eat once you are officially admitted. We left the hospital and went for burritos! In the middle of eating my contractions started. This is a very weird pain. It isn't in your stomach muscles, it is much deeper and wraps around all the way into your back and radiates into your legs. I experienced this pain for a good 33 hours then I gave in and had an epidural. Monro wasn't moving, with each contraction he would come up and then go back into the same spot. I was so stubborn and wanted to have a natural birth, but I was tired from all the contractions the staff thought I wouldn't have the strength to push once it came time. I never got to that time unfortunately.

Once I got the epidural my vitals started to tank and I was going in and out of consciousness. My kidneys were shutting down and my legs were filling up with fluid, the skin stretched and split so fast. I stopped breathing and was rushed in to surgery to have a c-section. Within minutes Monro was out and I was breathing on my own. He was able to see me right away. I remember the first thing I said was, "He is here, I can't believe he is here!" It took a long ass time to get him there and I was so out of it during his delivery, all that time seemed to melt away. He was so cute and HUGE that is why he wasn't moving into the birth canal. He had dark hair, blue eyes and looked just like me! I became a grown up at that moment and realized this was the best job I would ever have, being a mom.

Joaquin... March 14th 7lbs 14.5oz 20 inchesJoaquin was a much better pregnancy compared to Monro. The only thing with him was the first three months, I was so sick. I barfed all the time. I had to quit my job at Akasha and work from home. I was terrified that I would loose it in a session with a client. But after those first few months were over I felt pretty good. Except at about seven months I developed a heart murmur, but that is pretty common and went away after I delivered. With Joaquin I knew how to be pregnant. I ate right, I did pregger lady yoga and played my monster music everyday. He loved Cat Stevens and The Beatles of course. I loved sharing my pregnancy with Monro, he was so proud and excited. Everyone, literally everyone he talked to he told them I was pregnant. It was funny. He drew on my belly, he talked to his brother and told him all about his kindergarten adventures. It was cute.

Since I had such a scary delivery with Monro I wanted to just schedule a c-section. I know it isn't popular and whatever, but when you almost die the first time you have a baby, it makes you sort of gun shy. He came so much easier. I had to be put out cold because I my spinal shunt. The only bad thing with Joaquin was there was some mix up with who was going to be our nurse and it took forever to see my little guy, like two hours! My first words when I woke up was, "He is blond?" I thought that since I picked the name Joaquin, he would be a dark little Mexican baby, but no. Blond and blue eyed, and he looked just like his daddy. Monro came a few hours later to meet his little brother. He was so excited and nice. He brought me a cow, we named Gracie. It was such a better time frankly. I was so in love with Camden and proud of him for taking care of all of us. He was and is an excellent parenting partner.

Our first meeting...

And this makes you a Daddy...

Elodie Love... May 11th 7lbs 12oz 20 inchesMy best pregnancy considering. She was so good. I only got sick once, but the stress in my life at the time was a bit ridiculous. I have wondered if that stress contributed to her tumor. I think maybe that is just my guilty mother's heart. When I was about 16 weeks along I began to bleed a little. I went into the doctor and she said that she thought it was due to stress and I needed to take it easy. My grandmother was dying, my mother was constantly calling me for help, Joaquin was still a little baby, Cam had some bad business deals that would go away, and we were trying to get my custody of Monro. It was a horrible time, but through out all of that I had to have a lot of ultrasounds and got to keep close tabs on my baby. At 16 weeks we found out she was a girl and it was amazing! I never thought I would have a girl. I am a good boy mom and didn't have a great example of mother daughter bond. I didn't think I could do it. So I got a book and realized a lot about myself and what went wrong with my relationship with my mother. It has helped me be such a better mom, all that self examination.

So my girl was the same with Joaquin, scheduled c-section. This time didn't go as smoothly as it should have. She got too much of my anesthesia. She needed oxygen, she was breathing shallowly. Cam came in to tell me when I was waking, "She is being naughty and not breathing." I was terrified. I knew that she was going to be my last baby and that couldn't live with out her. I told Cam to not worry about me to stay right by her side and tell her to be good and breathe. He was so worried about whether or not I would be okay. I wrapped my hands together tight and placed them under my chin and prayed to Elodie. "You have to breathe little one, you have to try really hard and you have to be here for me." She stabilized and was sent to the NICU. I met her there later that night when I could walk. She was laying on a red heart blanket and looked like a little Valentine. I just kept kissing her and saying, "I got my girl!" I was so proud and have been ever since. I am so lucky to have these little kids to hang out with all the time. They are my best friends!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Well, since the tumor is regressing our doctors think that there is no other need for surgery. It has receded from her spinal cord, but it has left a sort of dent in it. It looks like a spinal cord injury on her CT scan. So what they think is the best sort of treatment for her is to get more physical therapy in order to get strength so she can walk. How she improves will really be up to her.

She is works really hard during therapy and when we practice, I am not worried about her at all. She does have feeling in her legs and movement she just needs to expand on that. Our developmental neurologist says that kids that have issues when they are little with hypotonia and such, usually catch up by the time they are three. Woo-hoo! Just in time for preschool! Now we are going to work on getting her a some great therapy that we can afford. We are applying to Shriner's Hospital to see if they can help. They are free, I hope they take her.

She is totally back to normal. You would never guess she had surgery last week. She is outside right now playing with her grandparents and her brother. Just like a normal, healthy, happy baby girl face! We are so blessed. Can't say it enough, I love my kids!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

I have never had so many different emotions crammed into my heart all at once like I did at the hospital. It was such a growing experience that I am truly thankful for it. So to borrow a phrase from my Myspace friend Jennifer (Eolin), here is how it all went down....

Wednesday...I went in to the babies' room to get them up and Joaquin had peed the bed. Nice. I grabbed Elodie put her by the toys and gave him a quick bath. I heard miss fussing but I just thought it was because she was hungry. Nope, she had a major poo diaper blow out and was mad, because she went in her diaper. (she usually goes on the potty like a big girl) She had to have a bath too. Ugh. I don't know how they know but they always do this sort of thing when I am in a hurry. Camden came home after I got her out of the tub and he saved me, he got Joaquin breakfast so we could head out the door.

Usual stuff happened when we were checking in to the surgery department of Primary Children's. Waiting in a bunch of different room, saying the same story to a bunch of different people. It seemed to take forever. Elodie got some versed again, which is a very funny drug. She was so happy and giggly, all of the other kids and their families became her very best friends. She is a happy drunk.

Finally, I handed her off to the anesthesiologist, he was sweet, but had coffee breath (pet peeve) and my girl waved bye-bye. I felt so tense inside. I knew what was going to happen and knew that the doctors were extremely good and capable of everything they had to do, but I was so scared.

The biopsy was only supposed to take 2 hours, so when two hours came and went I started to feel sick. They have signs in the waiting area that say, "If you haven't heard about your child after an hour from the time stated, please speak with the clerk." By the time some one came to speak with us it was 4 hours. I was on pins and needles. What happened was the surgeon Dr. Rollins, took four different samples from the tumor, because the immediate pathology kept coming back as scar tissue with calcifications. The fast pathology test take 25 minutes to process. I just wonder what was going on in there while they were waiting for it to come back. Do they go online, do they read, do they dance what is going on while my baby is just there on the table waiting? When Dr. Rollins finally came to talk to us in the conference room, I instantly felt relieved. I didn't know the immediate results, but some how I knew she was going to be just fine. I danced when he left and Camden seemed to breathe for the first time. After our conference I went to see her in recovery. She looked so tiny in that crib. Every recovery bed was full, that was scary. I sat there and stroked my babies hair and began to feel so grateful for everything I have. I wanted to hug the family next to us, I don't know what surgery their baby had, but it was sad, she was coughing up something gross, and was so pale. I closed my eyes hard and thanked Elodie for her strength. We went up to her room after a half hour of recovery. Elodie was still sleepy, but she would open her eyes and look around for me. It was sweet.

That night was rough. The nurses had to come into come in every hour for vitals, Elodie was on a morphine drip so they had to keep a close eye. I was on a fold out recliner chair thing, for what it was it was pretty comfortable. But I didn't sleep. I felt that Thursday morning that I had hit the wall. I was so tired emotionally, I was tapping all the strength I had to continue to be a happy face for Elodie. I kept texting Camden, (he was home with Joaquin) how I was so lonely and felt I was on the edge of breaking down completely. He was trying his best to be encouraging, but it was really hard for me to be away from home and to have our daughter in this medical limbo.

Thursday...The morning was pretty good for Elodie. She was sitting up, chatting and playing. She was eating her breakfast just like she always does, but this morning she had a chest tube. We played most of the day and she napped. She was so sweet to all the staff. I went home later that day and showered. It felt so good. I broke down in the shower and just cried. Cried that kind of cry where you know that afterward you are going to be a different person. A person with experience and a new beginning. I welcome cries like that, they opens me up so far that it feels as if I am turned inside out. Nothing can harm you when your heart is all the way open and willing to learn. I am learning and Elodie is my teacher. Camden's parents came into town on Thursday. We were and are so grateful for that. The kids just love them and they are a huge help to us. We wish they lived closer and could see the kids all the time.

Friday...All the doctors came in to visit Elodie and give us the good news. The tumor is benign and is regressing. It is a weird type of tumor, leave it to us to have another freak disorder, but it is leaving her. It has caused some damage to her spinal cord, but with physical therapy we have hope that that can be rehabilitated. How well she walks will be up to her, so if you have ever met my girl, you know that she will be just fine. It may take awhile for her to catch up physically, but that is okay, she can take all the time she needs. She is so strong, she didn't even flinch when her chest tube was taking out. Amazing.

Saturday...We are home of course and happily hung out with our family. Saturday was so great. We went to Camden's aunt's house in Heber for a BBQ. It was so nice to just chat with them and play. Camden's dad and uncle gave Elodie a blessing which was so sweet. It meant a lot to Cam's dad. We aren't religious people of course, but it is important to teach my children tolerance and acceptance of all people. That begins at home and accepting one's family first. I would never refuse love and positive energy being concentrated onto my children.

Sunday....I am so grateful for all of you out there that sent Elodie your love and positivity. I will put up all the photos I took, but right now my computer and camera aren't cooperating. Maybe it will later today. My hubby is leaving on a business trip in Vegas, so I can't tell you how pleased I am that Elodie got to come home before he left. Phew. I have been so happy and in love with the world ever since the doctors said the word, BENIGN! Benign was like my morning breaking, like the first morning fresh from the word! Everyday is a glorious day and I hope to keep this feeling on for a long time to come. Thank you for your support and your love, it really helped me through. Family and friends that is what it all comes down to, that is all we truly have in this life. I love you, know you are loved.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

So tomorrow my baby Elodie is going to Primary Children's to get her biopsy and bone marrow test. The technical term for the biopsy is, left thoracoscopic biopsy posterior mediastinal mass. Nice eh? Who knew they could fit such big words on my tiny baby girl.

Elodie is doing just fine as always. She is sitting in her high chair right now eating a hardy meal of beef broccoli and sweet and sour chicken. She isn't going to be able to eat for a while so I thought she should have something nice and flavorful. My kids are so funny, they hate kid food. Monro has just barely come around to peanut butter and jelly. The babies are allergic to peanuts, so none for them. Joaquin despises mac and cheese and grill cheese sandwiches. What kid doesn't like cheese? Elodie is my best eater, but she prefers savory foods with lots of flavor. Meal times can be stressful, 'cause sometimes I just want kid food-simple food! Anyway, I digress.

My girl will be in surgery for a little while and then we get to have a slumber party in the hospital. We should be home on Thursday. Whoo-hoo! I am sure she will bring home another little stuffed friend. Today she had her blood drawn and she got a black puppy named Muffin. She is so cute, she looks a little like our myspace friend Wilbur, but she is more of a dark chocolate. I will do a photo shoot soon of all her stuffy friends. She is spoiled at the hospital, I tell ya!

I am excited to get this part over with and get on to the treatment phase. We will know exactly what we are dealing with after the week. Phew. It will all be settled soon, I am sure. I can't tell you all enough how strong my girl is, I really can't. You just have to meet her. She has these eyes that are so compassionate and sweet. She hugs and kisses with great love and sings her heart out with enormous passion. She is my idol. I tell her this everyday and I hope she someday she really understands it. I love everything there is about Elodie, even her lump. HA!

I have been talking to her lump. I have been saying that I totally understand why it would want to snuggle into my baby, she is made of sugar, but it is time to hit the road. I put out a warning, so I hope it has listened and doesn't try to hang out or leave any buddies behind. Elodie is done with this lump.

I will blog about the whole thing when we get home. Wish us well and we will be, we always are because we are lucky enough to have each other.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Lately this has been the "Elodie Chronicles," her present situation has taken over the blog in a big way. She tends to do that where ever she goes really. Today in the radiation department was a great example of that. She has been there five times in the last two weeks. FIVE! Everyone knows her. They brag about her sweet disposition whenever they hand her over to another nurse or technician. She is the good IV girl. She hardly makes a peep and is more offended then physically hurt when they come at her with needles. She is also cute when they sedate her. During these scans she has to be completely still, so sedation is always on the menu. Today she was singing, literally singing, "Lalala" when they gave her the sleepy drugs. She then saw me smiling down at her, she pointed at me and said, "Hey!" As if to say, "Why are there so many of you mommy?" So funny.

So today she had an MIGB. She was radioactive. Hope it gives her super powers, but meh, it probably won't. Yesterday we met with Dr. Michael Rollins. He is going to be doing the biopsy on Wednesday the third. He was so very nice. He actually apologized for having to cancel the first appointment we had with him last week. I don't think I have had a doctor apologize for anything. It was shocking and I thanked him. Joaquin was with us, and he was good. He didn't mind being shuffled from office to office. He was so concerned about his sister while she was getting her exam, he even shushed me! It was funny and he got a sucker for being an awesome big brother. We looked at the CT films and he was very interested. Afterward he was telling us about it in the elevator in his own language of course.

Elodie will have to stay in the hospital over night when she has the biopsy. They are going to do it with scopes so she will only have a few tiny incisions. She will also have a chest tube to drain out any fluid from the surgery. She will most likely have another surgery to remove the thingy when the test results come back from the biopsy. Once we know exactly what stage of tumor it is the doctors will know how to treat it effectively be that surgery, medication, or a combination of both.

Her blood tests all came back great. Her white blood cell where normal as were her electrolytes, which if they were elevated may suggest a more aggressive tumor, but they weren't so Yea! I had to get a urine sample from her and drop it off today. This was hilarious. They gave me these little bags with a sort of bandaid at the top to stick to her lady bits, then the bag had cotton balls in it to absorb the pee. I had to squeeze the pee out of the cotton and pour it into the specimen cup. Gagg. Baby pee is so stinky. You really know you love someone when you willing squeeze their pee from a stinky bag into a cup and then put that cup in your fridge. It is true love and it is real.

Elodie is doing fine through all of this. She has no idea what is going on, she just knows she is getting a lot of attention. I don't think she minds that. Joaquin is mostly stealing the family spotlight. We and the doctors are positive about her diagnosis. She is so strong and happy. There is no need for "poor baby" stuff directed toward her. "Poor mommy," sha! She is happy and usual and up for anything. She pleasantly goes about her day, every once in awhile offering herself up for experiments and test. She presents her arm reluctantly, but proudly for her IVs. She pees in bags with dignity. She is unapologetic in her loopiness and no matter how pissed she is during the tests she always greets her nurses with a "hello." She is a shining example of a good patient. We are very proud of her and love her for her resilience. She is a tough cookie, so watch out world, here comes Elodie!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Camden dropped Elodie and I out front of Primary Children's Hospital at about a quarter to 8 this morning. The weather was lovely and the babies were in good moods. Camden took Joaquin over the Kelli and Ryan's to be watched for the day. He got to play with their son Steele all day, so he was set.

Elodie and I went in filled out the paper work and waited. She had to drink contrast for the CT scan today. The nurse asked what flavor she would like, (lucky kids get to pick a flavor, the stuff they give adults is plain and chalky and awful.) I said, "Anything but orange would be fine." A few minutes later, she came in with a sippy that was full of orange flavored contrast. She didn't know, but that was the only flavor they had. Great. She had to drink about 9-oz. in an hour. Yuck. We went outside to help it go down easier. I basically had to force feed it to her, but she didn't cry much. She just gurgled it in protest, but still swallowed. Then after she drank that, more waiting. It has to work its way through her system to help the view of the CT.

Camden came up by this time. He said once he drop Joaquin off, he was in instant play mode. Phew. Elodie got another IV after a lot of waiting....yawn.

We then went into the big CT scan room. If you have never seen this machine it is huge. It is a movable bed that slides back and forth through a giant circle that looks like a front loading washing machine. It is weird to put a tiny little person on that monster thing. I held Elodie in my lap as our nurse gave her versaid, a medication to chill her out while she was getting her scan. It was so funny she was doing her usual chatting and then, bam SILLINESS! She just started to giggle. She was looking into my eyes just laughing, then Camden started to pet her hair and she loved it almost purring with laughter. I laid her down on the machine and she cooed and giggled the whole time. Hilarious.

Then we were to go upstairs to the Hematology/Oncology department to get her results. We checked in and waited some more, bickered a lot. Camden isn't very good hospital company, he just sits there looking tired and I want to talk to distract my thoughts. He never wants to talk, really. He never has anything to say. It was irritating for both of us.

The resident told us that the doctor was in a meeting so we should get some food and then come back. Elodie finally got to eat! I automatically go into a hospital cafeteria and get a grilled cheese samich! The craving is from all those days spent on my feet on the floor taking care of patients, ah takes me back. Elodie was in a better mood instantly and so was I. I was so hungry.

Finally the doctor came in and told us what he thinks Elodie has. He thinks she has a neuroblastoma. Now what kind exactly will be determined by a biopsy and bone marrow screen that she is getting tomorrow and another scan she will get probably next week. But the doctor thinks that she doesn't have the aggressive kind, with cells that are rapidly growing and infiltrating other tissues. He believes she has a lower stage kind. I think so too. She hasn't shown any other signs except her lack of strength in her legs. She is so healthy and her prognosis is pretty good. Yeah!

It was an easier day today for Elodie. She got stoned and got cuddled by her mom and dad all day. We had it rough waiting and waiting in those little rooms. That part was exhausting. She is going to be sore after tomorrow, but she will be okay. We have a good team behind us that will make sure she gets everything she needs. She is one tough cookie and so I am, so we aren't scared. We head into storms with our heads on straight and our hoodies on. We should get the results of the biopsy on Friday. Got fingers, cross 'em people!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I came home from the Cavedoll show on Friday night (Saturday morning really) and got my Elodie up for a snack. She couldn't eat anything past 3AM until after the MRI was done. She was NPO because they have to sedate babies. It was scheduled for 11AM, which is such a long time for a little one not to eat. I had to feed her something right before the cut off time. She was very confused, but in a silly mood. I knew she would either be really pissed at me, or really funny. I am glad she was funny. She had some peach yogurt, milk and crackers and cheese. She thought I looked pretty crazy in all my hair and make up from the show. Elodie went back to sleep with out a fuss as usual she is a pretty good little sleeper.

We all woke at the usual time. I tried to feed Joaquin at the dinner table so Elodie couldn't see him eating his breakfast and her wonder, "Hey Ma, where the hell is my waffle?" But he wanted to sit at his little table for breakfast so he could watch his cartoons. Elodie played happily on the floor, she was oblivious until Camden came home with bagels for us. I had to put her in her room, that was sad. It is so hard to deny your kid food. So hard. She got her binky which she only normally uses at night and she was pretty okay.

Now on to the waiting. We sat in the little room, as ya do and waited. Filled out forms and waited. Changed the baby and waited. There was a girl about Monro's age coming out of the sedation and she just lost her mind. She was screaming like they were cutting off a limb. That started to get to Elodie. We shut the door and hid in the little room. Elodie was so funny while we were just hanging out. I think she was delirious from hunger. She was laughing at everything I was doing and every toy was hilarious. She was a nut. A nurse came in to tell us that another patient that was already in the hospital had to have an MRI and that is why it was taking so long. This nurse had gum and Elodie noticed. After that she kept signing "eat" over and over. Sad.

Finally the nurses came in to give Elodie her IV. She was so good and hardly made a peep that she got to choose a toy out of the treasure box. She picked a soft brown teddy, I named her Meri, because it sounds like MRI. Heehee. Not too long after that it was her turn. She rested in my arms when they gave her the medicine to knock her out. It was funny how much she tried to fight it. She was laying across my arm and then when she could feel the tiredness coming on, she was trying so hard to get up. She was pointing off into the distance, said "Ma." and then she was asleep.

The test took about an hour to finish and then she would be coming out of the anesthesia for another hour, so I went out and got some gas and a snack. I went to that Tesoro by Presidents' Circle and as I was going into the store I heard our song, "Full of Awe" coming out of a car that had just finished fueling. It was so weird. I texted Camden immediately. (He was home with Joaquin and Monro) Wow, people actually listen to the CDs they buy. Huh.

So back I went to the hospital to wait. I sat in my car to eat my snack and drink my tea. I felt so alone. So all alone. I felt that no one could possible understand what I was going through at that exact moment, except my Camden. I called him and lost my composure. I had been so good up till then. I know what this part of an illness or a disorder or a whatever is like, this crazy "let's figure this out" phase and it sucks. I went through it for almost two years when we were trying to figure out what was happening to my brain. It is different when it is your baby though. They looks so tiny, so small on those big doctor machines. I fidgeted with Elodie's binky while I talked to Camden and had him set me right. He did, he almost always does. I popped the lid of my tea and it gave me a wonderful much needed quote about courage and I was able to suck it up and go in there and get my baby.

The nurse gave me my sleepy girl and it reminded me so much of the first time we met. She was hooked up to an IV, groggy and cute just like she was when I saw her the night she was born. She was trying so hard to talk and tell me all of her crazy drug dreams, but she couldn't. She could just make weird sounds, laugh a little and stretch and shrink her mouth. It was funny. After a half an hour and some apple juice she was good to come back home. She had another nap and then was pretty much back to normal. We went to Ryan's (our drummer) for a BBQ and she was just fine until bedtime came, which is usual. A girl needs her beauty sleep NOW DAMN IT!

I got a call today from the doctor. The findings were not as great as we had hoped, but not completely horrible either. Her brain is perfect, it is developing very well. So we can rule out any cognitive disorders, (I already knew that her brain was fine she is so stinking smart and adaptable). But next to her spine in her thoracic region is a soft tissue mass. It is connected to other tissues around the spine including her muscles and lung. We don't know what it is really, but it has gotten in the way of her spine developing properly and she has some atrophy in her spinal column. That is why her legs are not working and developing like they should. Atrophy if you don't know is the partial or complete wasting away of a part of the body. Which means that her leg and lower spinal weakness could be reversible with lots of therapy or maybe not. We don't know anything along those lines yet.

So what is next? Well, very soon she is going to have a CT scan to get a better idea of what this thing is and what we can do about it. This is all going to move very fast. She may have surgery, she may have more tests, but soon we will know what we are up against and what we can do to help Elodie. I am trying hard to stay positive and keep my nurse's cap on tight. If I think like I nurse more than a mom, I will do better with all that she will have to go through in the next little while. I will be there in the rocking chair waiting for her to be placed in my arms just like the first time we met. I will rock steady in that chair, I will be strong, because I have my Camden to set me right. He almost always does. ; ) Wish my baby luck.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

We opened for The Faint last Wednesday and here is how it went down...

Before we left for Tulsa, Camden got an email from the concert promoter asking if we could be the opener for this particular show. Camden having his wits about him, immediately replied with a "yes." We still have no idea how they found us and why they chose us to do this show. This was a rare opportunity and frankly the icing on the Tulsa cake. Tulsa was so great, I would have been happy if we were to never play again, it would have been the biggest high note to go out on, but we had to make the week completely memorable by kicking ass with a welcome home show in the SLC. So that is exactly what we did and the crowd did not disappoint.

I arrived at around 8:00pm, I had to wait for our ultra hip and super nice sitter Jane Anne before I could hit 'da club. In the Venue is completely different from the last time I was there, which was years ago. New lights, new big stage, new grope-y security crew of which I was not fond. They also had these huge metal barriers that looked like something a rancher would use to inclose cattle. These were used to inclose our lovely audience and keep them away from the stage. Pleasant. The security and stage crew, assemble and shifted, took apart and wheeled around the different pieces of the barriers for a good 30 minutes. We grabbed our gear and took it outside. Ally's keyboard almost tipped completely over in this whole ballet of the barriers. Like I said, pleasant. The Faint were sound checking at this time. They sounded great and filled the crazy open space with such funky good times, we forgot about the crew.

After a quick visit to the upstairs bar where we met Yoseph, a six foot whatever fan and hunk o' sweetness that bought us shots, it was our turn to sound check. We had to set up our stuff in front of The Faint's gear, so the huge stage was tailored down quite a bit. It was relatively the same size as the stage in Tulsa, tiny. So much for a big stage. The sound people couldn't get my mic to work, some sort of cross feed problem, I don't know? So we were still checking when they let all the shining lovable SLC kids into the show. We were up there it seemed like forever, but I was striking up conversations with the cool kids down front. One guy asked me, "Do you feel uncomfortable with all of us staring at you while you sound check?" I replied, "No, do you feel uncomfortable with everyone staring at you 'cause you are talking to me?" He went a little red, then we geeked out about music for a bit, it was rad. Finally the mic worked and we got on with the check, we checked with "Full of Awe," and the crowd even cheered for that. Nice bunch a flowers they were.

I sprayed my throat with my Thayers and then on with the show. The sound was so great, we just flooded the place with our music. It was an awesome set, a bunch of the hits. It was pretty short though only 30 minutes. Meh. It was good to just give the people a taste of sugar and then move on, hopefully we made some fans so they will come see us when we play longer. I faked an orgasm during "Mexico" and mimed a BJ on "On and On," yep good thinking with those antics Kness for the all ages show. Gah. Sometimes people wonder if it is hard to play the same songs for people all the time, and yes, sometimes it is. That is when things like the fore mentioned happen. What can I say, I was still out of it from the drive. ??? I guess people found it pleasing. They clapped along to "Full of Awe," and totally lost their minds during "Taste like a Hurricane." We got a fabulous response. Which is something you hope for when you are opening for a major player like The Faint. Janet scared me to death, because I look over and she was playing in the middle of a puddle. She had knocked her bottle of water over. I was so worried she was going to get shocked. It was all okay, nothing shocking,and she played beautifully even in a puddle of water. I went upstairs after the show to meet people and to see Yoseph again, he bought me another shot, sweet guy. I shouted out to him on the mic during our set and dedicated "Mexico" to him for his generosity. Went back downstairs before I left where I was promptly groped my the security guard. He had no idea that I was just on stage a few minutes before and searched my tiny purse. It can barely hold lipstick it is so small, derp. I had to leave early to relieve the sitter, so I missed The Faint. Heard it was good though. I got a stupid parking ticket for parking like everyone else. Argh. All of the snags aside it was a fun show and an amazing audience. They were really dancing hard, hope they saved something for The Faint. Hehehe.

The thing that was really surprising about this show was the response I particularly got from girls. All the girls I met (and have met lately) were so nice and complementary. When I was in school, I was every play and musical that was put on in my little town, some girls HATED me! And they were mean about it too, spreading rumors, kicking my chair in choir, saying my voice sucked what have you. They hated me because I could sing, dance, say lines, stand in front of a camera and smile and I wasn't afraid to do any of those things, even when I knew they were going to be mean. I have always been able to get up on stage and do something. But for some reason when I was a kid, this bothered some mean girls. I was never a "show off" about singing. I was the same then as I am now when I perform, it is just something I do and I'm grateful people like it when I do it. Now people are nice about me performing for them, want me to do it and that is the biggest gift I have ever received. People now appreciate me for this part of myself that was forsaken for so long. I want people to know that this performing thing is not who I am it is just something I do, it is my job. The cool thing about this job it the instant gratification that comes with it and meeting new people. I love meeting new people and geeking out about music.

Come geek out with me this Friday at Kilby Court doors open at seven, I think. It is an earlier show and all ages this time too, and I will try hard to behave myself. I will be there shortly after seven, gotta wait for the sitter.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Here are the rules:1. Link to the person who tagged you.2. Post the rules on your blog.3. Write six random things about yourself.4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

Mandy tagged me. She is a friend from Vernal, we go way back when I would wear costumes to school.

Six random things...

1- I almost always eat the same lunch everyday. Peanut butter and honey with cheese slices on the side and a diet coke. When I put the honey on I draw a heart with it as to put love in it. I do that when I ice a cake.

2- I have had eight surgeries in my short life.

3- I have know how to crochet for 21 years. My auntie and my grandma taught me when I was 8. Sheesh, I am old.

4- I was three the first time I sang in public. I was the back up singer for my mom. I don't remember what it was for, but we sang Christmas songs for some old ladies.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What is D-Fest or DeversaFest? Well, it is a festival and music conference that is put on every year in Tulsa, Oklahoma. There are a ton of bands performing on main stages and in the clubs of the Blue Dome District in Tulsa. During the day there are panels where industry people talk about all sorts of different things that are interesting to artists. They talk about licensing, how a record deal works, getting your music out there and whatnot. That part was extremely informative and we were all thankful for their information. We got into the festival through our radio promoters at Tinderbox Music.

So... We set out on our journey on Wednesday. Camden's parents came all the way from Florida to take care of the children while we were away. Our friend Mike Terry (photographer extraordinaire) came to take pictures of it for an article he is working on about us for the Deseret News. (I will let you know when it comes out). Saying goodbye to my babies was so very very difficult. I haven't been away from my kids very much, and knowing I wouldn't be able to snuggle them and take care of them for several days was so painful. But I did it. I know it was good for them to bond more with their grandparents, but for me it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I'm still healing that tear in my heart, even though I am home. I know I am crazy.

We were off. Camden, Ryan, Allison, Janet, Diane, Crystal and me. We didn't stop that much, because the night before I made fourteen sandwiches for the drive. We ate pretty healthy on the way down, we had plenty of snacks and Red Bull to keep the drivers going. We drove so long the first day. Made it all the way to Salina, Kansas. Diane works for the hotel chain where we stayed so we got two rooms for about sixty bucks for that night. Fantastic rooms too. It wasn't a very restful sleep but it was good to stop moving. We got up early the next day had our continental breakfast and we were back on the road. The van was pretty comfy for staying in it twenty hours total the way down. It is Ryan's and it has a DVD player and lots of room. We had Ryan's iPod too, but it was too loyal to him to play any of the music we gave him. I think he talked to it before we left, to tell it to only give us one or two songs, but to stick with the regulars. As a result we watched movies mostly. Cheeky iPod.

We wanted to make it to Tulsa pretty early so we would have time to eat, rest, get dressed and go to the opening party for the festival. We got there at about four o'clock on Thursday. We checked into our rooms at the Crown Plaza, a beautiful room, and headed out into the city. We walked down to McNellie's Pub for dinner. Camden and I shared a chicken wrap and it was soooooo good. After dinner we got dressed and headed down to the party.

The place where they had it was pretty cool. It was two bars, and an all ages club hooked together. It was a maze. We handed out a bunch of sample CDs and fliers that told people where we were playing at the festival. I didn't see anyone else doing this specifically, so we were creating a good buzz. Some people actually went to the website and checked us out. It was such a surprise to go up to people, hand them a CD and they would say, "Oh yeah I checked you guys out and was planning on seeing your show." We already were getting a positive response. Shocked! Most bands didn't have as many girls as we do, so we were quite interesting. Walking around I met Donita and Nate and they clued me into where the cool kids hang out at that particular club. Donita and Nate are dancers for a group called Recorder. Just the nicest people you could meet, so hospitable and funny. The dance club was called Cappella's. The Dj was so good, but no one was dancing. Wha??? The lighst were crazy and zooming all over no one. Lame. So I just had to dance. Janet and I were the only ones dancing and then five minutes later the floor was crowded. We danced until we were soaked. Janet and I took a break and the floor completely dispersed. It was funny. Then we came back and the crowd followed. We had dance floor super powers. Craziness. So after a fun night of networking and dancing Camden and I went back to the hotel for the night. The others came with us but after a pillow fight, and arm wrestling in the hotel room they were up for more. I don't know exactly what went on, but I know they were droopy in the morning.

The next day Camden and I went to panel and took tons of notes. So much good information and also conformation that everything we are doing we are doing it well, and right and we know our place and identity. We didn't do much besides the panels during the day. Camden and I were just trying to suck up all the information we could. But really there wasn't much to do in the area we were staying. Downtown Tulsa seems to be in a flux, there was a lot of construction going on. There isn't much shopping or food. We just ate at the hotel and McNellie's, and got souvenirs at a cute shop called Dwelling Spaces. It will be interesting to see what happens to Tulsa and where it is headed in the future.

On Saturday we hooked up with Jon Delange of Tinderbox Music, our radio promoter. Not only does he try to get us on the radio stations, but he has hooked us up with 9 licenses to different shows on cable. So someday we could hear ourselves on E! or Style. If you happen to hear it let me know. We signed the licenses and had a great conversation with him. He is really cool and impressive. He started out in recording, just like Camden. We laid low on Saturday because we had to play that night. I wanted to save all my energy for the show.

The Show.... We played at a club called The Continental. While we were walking down there, we walked by the VIP club and they were blasting our song, "Taste Like a Hurricane," the Dj got a CD the night before and played songs then too. It was a nice boost before we played. We got there at around 7:30pm to load all of our stuff in and relax for a bit. We were to play at 9pm. The stage looked so small and no one was there. I was thinking it was just going to be one of those shows. I really didn't know what to expect from Tulsa, I thought it was going to be similar to Salt Lake, but boy was I wrong.

While we were setting up our stuff, (mind you this was only about ten or fifteen minutes) the club started to overflow with people. We were sound checking and the people were pushed up right against the stage. We saw eight industry panelist in the crowd, we had given some of them CDs and they said they were going to come check out our live show, and THEY ACTUALLY DID!!! Not only was that great, but the people we met at the parties came too. It was such a departure from Salt Lake, a lot of people here say they are going to come down, and you look for them, but they don't. They get busy I guess, and that is cool. It was nice that people set aside time to see us. We ROCK IT!!! We played so tight and our energy was so high. Every eye in the crowd was on us when we played. The crowd danced and we interacted. When we played our last song ("Taste...") the crowd cheered like they had heard it a hundred times and were just waiting for us to play "their" song. It was rad! Ryan actually got sponsored by a drum company after we played. He is getting a free kit to play on, HE GOT SPONSORED by Po' Boy Drums! He was so good. I heard the people in the front just going off about Janet, saying how sexy it was a that girl played bass. Allison and I danced together and audience loved it. Camden screamed and danced and caught eyes with every girl there. He was so on it. The show was so easy to play because the crowd was hanging on every note. They screamed for more when we were done. After the show I picked up so many business card, met so many nice people, and took pictures with a bunch of them. It was great and felt so good. I was pretty depressed the whole time we were gone, because I was away from my babies. I tried hard not to let it show and just went on with the day, but the show was a good release of pent up energy. I loved it, and I sang pretty well, if I do say so myself. We hung out with the Tulsa peeps after the show and it was great. They really cared about us and wanted to get to know us.

It was hard to get to sleep. We set off the next morning for Denver to stay a night with Camden's aunt Loree. They have a beautiful home, we could have moved in their basement and they wouldn't even have known. It was so nice to eat real food again and feel like I was getting some nourishment. We had a restful sleep that night because we were so close to home.

Monday was my birthday. We started the day with getting Starbucks. That was actually the first time I had ever gotten a drink from Starbucks, so I took a picture. Geek, I know, but there are so many good local coffee shops here I have never wanted to go to a chain. Blah. Long drive and then we made it home at about 5pm. It was beyond elation to see my children. My Elodie just hooked on too me like a monkey. Joaquin grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. They had so much fun with their grandparents. I swear they grew in the five days we were gone. We unloaded and Cam's mom made dinner. Monro baked a cake for me, lemon with cream cheese icing. Sooooo goood. It was soooo good to be home. When I check our myspace page, we had 5 pages of friend request, YES I SAID 5! Three fourths were from Tulsa. They liked us they really really liked us! That has never happened after a SLC show. Maybe we are taken for granted here? Who knows?

Thank you Tulsa, D-Fest, Julee and Allen, Elodie, Joaquin, Monro, Kelli, Boone, Sky, Steele, Rick and pets, everyone that came to our shows this past year, Diane, Crystal, Allison, Ryan, Janet and my Camden for making this trip possible. We are opening for The Faint on Wednesday at In the Venue, so if you get a chance come on by and see us. Say hi, I like meeting people.~Cheers~

About Me

I am the SAHM to three children with huge names, but they will grow into them. I have a strong sense of justice and believe in good manners. I am interested in learning so much. Also, I am about yarn lots and lots of yarn!