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In a few hours I will be leaving for B-Fest 2012: the last one before the world ends, dontcha know.

Here's what I'll be enduring this year:

6:00 p.m. Best of the BestA martial arts tournament film I actually saw once upon a time, I believe. Apparently features Eric Roberts and James Earl Jones.

7:50 p.m. Astro ZombiesI have never actually seen this, but I gather it will be the first taste of pain. Though it does feature Tura Satana and John Carradine.

9:30 p.m. To Catch a YetiI’ve never even heard of this one, so I have no idea what to expect. (In all likelihood? PAIN)

11:45 p.m. The Wizard of Speed and Time (short)12:00 a.m./midnight Plan 9 From Outer SpaceThe usuals.

1:25 a.m. Avenging Disco GodfatherConfession time: I have never seen a true Rudy Ray Moore flick. This year will remedy that.

3:00 a.m. Death Bed: The Bed That EatsThis is supposed to be totally Looney Tunes , which means it’s at the perfect hour for, “Did I just see that?!”

4:25 a.m. Tarkan vs. the VikingsA Turkish film, infamous for a lot of reasons including a bathtub toy-like giant octopus. I look forward to seeing it.

5:55 a.m. Mutant HuntThis is a movie directed by Tim Kincaid, who also brought us the delightfully awful sleaze-fest, Breeders. I recall seeing a trailer for it that suggests he thinks mutants are the same thing as cyborgs. Also this memorable actress (or, more accurately, her memorable hairdo) from Breeders is in it:

7:15 a.m. Guru the Mad MonkI think I’ve heard of this one. No idea if it brings the pain or not, but it's apparently as insane as its title character.

8:25 a.m. The Brain from Planet ArousThis was the opener at my second B-Fest ever, in 2004. It’s a lot of cheesy fun, but since I’ve seen it I suspect I’ll be sleeping through it.

9:40 a.m. Stunt RockYeah, not a clue about this one, either. Australian, I think.

11:40 a.m. Road HouseI finally saw this a year or two ago. It is awesome and telstarman is sponsoring it.

1:40 p.m. Werewolf in a Girls’ DormitoryHave not seen this one, but I do know it features a really sorry werewolf make-up job and “wolves” played by German shepherds.

3:05 p.m. The Galaxy InvadersPretty sure I’ve heard about this one, but nothing good. But will it be the sort of excruciatingly painful surprise that War of the Robots turned out to be in 2010?

4:30 p.m. It Came from Beneath the SeaThe traditional finisher of a giant monster movie. I’m a little disappointed with this one as a choice, as it’s not particularly good nor is it the delightfully awful sort of film the past three years gave us with The Mighty Peking Man, The Giant Claw, and Godzilla vs. Megalon. Plus it's a last-minute substitute for Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster, so boo to that.

I'm hardly prepared at all, so I say let's do this!

Current Mood: excited

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I know, I'm rather amazed that a film I found merely bad and not catastrophically bad has inspired me to write this much. But sometimes merely failing to be good is worse than being a total train wreck in every way.

And I suppose I may or may not save somebody from out there from renting this piece of crap. Though, frankly, if my readers are anything like me, they'll just rush out to see it themselves. The poor, poor fools.

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Now that I've dined on actual turkey, it's time to get back to chewing on this turkey. Granted, I've been busy so I'm going off two-week old memories of a stupid movie I watched once, but I assure you the actual film is as incoherent as I make it sound anyways. Though I may be mixing up the order of some things, I admit up front.

Well, I'm sure you've all just been dying to know if I just lovedTransformers 3 as much as I adored the second film. I'm sure you were all just on pins and needles needing to know.

Or you really didn't give a rat's ass.

Well, either way, I'm telling you what I thought of it. In short, the film was better than part two. However, if someone says they can run faster than a turtle that's lost its back legs and has a debilitating addiction to horse tranquilizers, that's not really an impressive feat.

Also, in this case, the turtle is dead.

Now, in some ways, this sudden increase in quality is actually a bad thing, because it means that the film is not only no damn good, but it isn't bad enough to actually be memorable. It's just bad and not bad in a fun way, either.

Although, even a plain bad movie can have its moments for all the wrong reasons. For me, one of the biggest reasons in the film is that it takes place almost entirely in Chicago. And I'm including the scenes that are supposed to betaking place in Washington D.C. Observe:

That's supposed to be D.C. No, really. Even better, is the HQ of "Nest", the odd name for the human/Autobot alliance or something.

I honestly did not even realize it was supposed to be in D.C. until most of the movie was done. I was just curious how Shia LeBeouf suddenly got from D.C. to Chicago. Though my favorite moment comes during a big chase/battle scene on the "D.C. Expressway":

Yes, that is the exit for Interstate 88 to Aurora, Illinois. Yes, they really did not bother to disguise this fact at all.

In a way, that makes it seem like the movie is so stupid it's fun. It's not.

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So, yesterday I learned two bits of news about two of my all-time favorite movie franchises. The news was not all that good. So, I thought, rather than express my own feelings about this news, I'd let the main characters of each franchise tell us how they feel about the news.

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So, I've watched Black Swan twice now. I wasn't terribly impressed either time, I'm afraid, but I like to give movies I've heard good things about a second chance. (Okay, actually Aminah wanted to see it so Izzy and I didn't send it back after we watched it) I almost feel bad for not liking it, but it just didn't work for me.

Yes, I know it had a hot lesbian scene. So did Jennifer's Body and you don't hear too much praise for that one.

I won't deny that it was rather pretty, there was some nifty body horror moments, Natalie Portman did an excellent job as the lead, and Vincent Cassel was clearly having a blast in his role. However, I think the problem is the film never really rooted itself in reality enough to lend a sense of escalation to the heroine's tenuous grip on reality. It's roughly the same problem I have with The Shining, in that I never for a second believed Jack Nicholson wasn't already a moment's notice away from going kill crazy even when he was supposed to be normal.

I'm not here to discuss the movie's merits, however. I'm here to point out something I realized during my second viewing:

Dress rehearsals don't exist in movies.

I guess I've always known this. And it's not hard to understand why a movie wouldn't show us this aspect of a stage production. The movie wants us to be as unprepared for the big show as the audience on opening night. I get that.

That doesn't change the fact that it can sometimes get ridiculous.

"Okay everybody, the curtain's up in twenty minutes. Let's start building the set."

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So, I don't really make a secret of the fact that I kind of love Lady Gaga. I love that she just tries to be as freakin' weird as she can be, just straight up not giving a damn what anybody else thinks of her. And I confess I find her songs catchy and enjoyable, too.

"Oh, so that's a disco stick?""No, I'm still pretty sure it's a euphemism for 'penis.'"

Lately, however, she hasn't been making it easy. First there was her single "Born This Way", an empowerment ballad about how everyone should be aware of how awesome they are, no matter their sex, race, sexual orientation, or physical condition. Which was cool in that it name-dropped anyone who is "Lebanese", which is one of those things I obsessively notice ever since I married a Lebanese woman.

Not that Lebanese women really need to be reminded of how awesome they are.

However, the song is also an obvious rip-off of Madonna, which is something everybody but Gaga herself has apparently noticed. It's also probably the most misguided "celebrate diversity and preach equality" song in recent years, given Gaga uses the words "Chola" and "Orient" unironically.

"What did you just call me?"

I still kind of liked it as a song, though. She then decided to follow it up with "Judas", which is a song so awful it makes the oeuvre of Ke$ha sound respectable by comparison. Seriously, it's Goddamn awful.

"No, not the 'Judas' song!"

Her latest stunt, however, proves she just doesn't give a fuck anymore. See, she released her latest album cover via Twitter. And it's awful.