I Am Not My Mental Illness

There are a bunch of ways that I could sugar coat my depression and what it really is. I fell into depression around 12 years old after being bullied severely in middle school. My family was destitute and homeless. Every day I would get to school dressed as neatly as I could and still the kids hated me. I would cry and miss the school bus purposely. One day at school a girl hit me with her books and the whole class laughed while my teacher pretended to do nothing.

That day I went home and sat with a bottle of pills for two hours, and I cried and cried, but I was too afraid actually to take them. I tried to commit suicide two more times that year. After that I moved to a new school, even though the kids didn't like me there either, they left me alone for the most part.

I guess I could say depression comes and goes. There were days I would feel on top of the world and then days where I would lock myself in my room with no human contact. Just last year I graduated high school and attended prom with real friends I did have. But as time went past my depression would worsen. Only then did I realize that something was wrong, and I need help, but I didn't know how to ask for it.

At work, I locked myself in a bathroom and tried to commit suicide again. It was just too much the thoughts racing in my head. I didn't feel loved. I didn't feel wanted or beautiful. I didn't feel like a person.

I was unsuccessful in my attempts. I eventually contacted a therapist because enough was enough and I wanted my life back. I wanted to be in control. I was sent to a psychiatric hospital for two weeks, and I got to go home at night, but I had to be at the hospital 8 hours a day. It was helpful to see people there that were having rough times just like me. I got help, and I was put on the mess. They help a lot, and I'm finally able to think rationally. I'm finally able to see that my life matters. I still have rough days, but I'm here to say that your life matters. It does, and things will get better, and then you can write about it to help the next person. Depression isn't just in your head. It isn't something you can just get over and stick under a rug.

We need to be aware of the daily struggles of people with depression and anxiety. Just know if you're reading this you are loved and that every step you take to living another day is a day you have won. You have accomplished something huge. It may not seem like it, but you have won.