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Very quietly last week Run and Be Still celebrated it’s 3rd birthday. It’s amazing how fast time flies and how much can change in the span of a year.

Life is fluid. Like the waters constantly meeting the shoreline, shaping and molding, so are our days. Sometimes they pass gently and lazily. Sometimes with such ferocity they steal bits of us as they go, washing them away, reshaping who we are.

This has been a majorly reshaping year for us. So many changes, forcing us out of our comfortable routine and into this grand new adventure.

Isn’t it ironic how the future and the passing of time makes us desperate for our memories? At least that’s where it finds me. Milestone markers open the archive of memory banks and old photo albums and I try to hold on just a little longer, remind myself so I’ll never forget, the way things used to be. I don’t want to go back, I really like the “me” I am becoming, I just want to remember. And it would only be fair to admit that the memories I cling to are most certainly revisionist, glorified, and edited. Even (probably especially) the bad days. The passing of time has dulled their sharp edges. Their bitter taste comes part and parcel with the sweet ones.

This past year has found me trying to answer the question, “What am I going to do with myself?” I suddenly found myself with extended blocks of time on my hands. (No more kid shuttle bus duty. It’s all very bittersweet and as you know I am working though it.) Then there came a deep desire to really make a difference. Someway, somehow. I needed to do something. There was a hole that needed filled. I don’t think this is some mid-life crisis. (Although you may be reading this thinking, “Sister you are kidding yourself. That’s exactly what this is.” I’ll just keep pretending, thank you.)

Move. Touch. Share. Love. It’s my new mantra. Love in action has become my cure. Love Runners and do Good have become the vehicle. They are my “Just Do It.” I have a tendency to become intense and obsessive when I am passionate about something. One of the biggest lessons that I have learned in trying to get this off the ground is that this isn’t everyone’s dream. This isn’t everyone’s cause. But oh my, the opportunity to be God’s hand and feet in this endeavor makes my heart beat faster and I am not going to give up on that! And so it was with great anticipation that I launched the online studio last weekend. We are officially Open online! Will you please check it out and pass the word? It would mean so very much to me! Love Runners and The do Good Studio.

Launching Love Runners and The do Good Studio reminds me of the days when Run and Be Still was brand new. Stalking the analytics and statistics, wondering if anyone has visited and if anyone even cares. And then here we are in the blink of an eye, 3 years later, and you’re here and I’m still here. When I started out I didn’t know what I was going to write about, how long I could keep this up, or if anyone would even read it. To date, there have been 237 posts, 17,525 views, and 9,188 different visitors from across the globe! It’s amazing to me. Humbling. We’ve shared a lot of life together and over the course of those years the continuous lapping of the water has reshaped me and the course I thought I was on.

In Love Does, Bob Goff says, “Accepting the invitation to show up in life is about moving from the bleachers to the field. It’s moving from developing opinions to developing options. It’s about having things matter to us enough that we stop just thinking about those things and actually do something about them Simply put, Jesus is looking for us to accept the invitation to participate. Each of us gets to decide every time whether to lean in or step back – to say yes, ignore it, or tell God why He has the wrong person.”

That, has been in a nutshell, what the last year has looked like. From opinions to options. From mere thoughts to real actions. Big family milestones. New house. New mission. New adventure. I guess you could say year 3 was the “Year of the Yes.”

The magnet thumps dully against the metal as the flag declaring our intentions is put on the roof of the car. The sky is a brilliant blue, unfit for grief and I think back to a similar sky on a similar day over a decade ago.

What do you say to the boys who have lost their mother? What do you say to the husband who can’t make sense of how cancer laid claim to a body within a span of days? Not years. Not months. Days.

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fearsThere will be a day when the burdens of this place,Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to faceBut until that day, we’ll hold on to you always (1)

There will be a day with no more suffering, no more pain, no more fears. Even and especially when we don’t understand Jesus please flood our hurt with your comfort. Peace that passes understanding. The assurance that covers all hurt – not removing it but allowing you to breathe through it and heal in spite of it. And I know it and believe it and have laid claim to it. I pray that they do too because mere words fall hollow on both ears and breaking hearts.

“The doctor will see you now.”

“You’re blood tests look great. So, you know you are in remission…”

I grab hold of these words and hang on as if my lives depends on them, because it does. But for how long? And how will I know when I’m not? And what happens then? Will I have the grace to declare God’s sovereignty over my life? When the fear becomes paralyzing, the unknown too heavy to carry, lay it down…take courage. God is striding ahead. And if that day comes, if the results are different, He promises He will be right there with me.

This has been a week of paradigms of opposition, of declarations of continued health and the sweeping hand of death. It’s been a week where even a diagnosis of remission is terrifying because it isn’t a continued guarantee of anything. Life’s fragility has been at center stage.

Lord, I come, I confessBowing here I find my restWithout You I fall apartYou’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need YouEvery hour I need You (2)

“Hey, Mom. My homework is done and the top is still off of the Jeep. Can I go get ice cream before I put it back on?”

The clock says its almost 9:00 on a school night. That brilliant blue sky of the morning has faded and darkened.

“Sure.” Then, running out the door after him, even though I am ready to call it a night, “Wait! I am coming too.”

And with the now night-cooled wind blowing our hair and the heater cranked warming our feet he looks at me and says, “Thanks for coming along.”Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

And in his sincerity, my eyes fill and my heart spills over as God wakes me up to how much life there is to live in every single day. I think about how quickly time is passing us by and how I don’t want to miss a second of it because as I have been reminded there aren’t any guarantees.

This is my story, this is my song,Praising my Savior all the day long. (3)

Praising and leaning in and holding on for dear life because Oh God, how I need You.

Maybe it’s because 13 years ago today I woke up never knowing what the week had in store, never knowing that in just 5 days we would be burying our son. Ignorance is bliss.

Maybe it’s because this season is marred by so many anniversaries. Anniversaries marking the passage of time from “the before.” Before we knew “that” grief, before we knew “that” fear.

Maybe it’s because I can identify with the tree, but I read this and I can’t get it out of my head. Beating like a drum…

All through the woods, the trees are letting go.

I told the Farmer on the way home from Sunday chapel—when we came up to the top of Bobbie Johnson’s corner, and just before he turned, where you could look long to the northwest and out across Gingerich’s cornfield to their woodlot with the embers of maple — that it was brave, the way the trees made dying look glorious.

How did you let go and relinquish glory and be willing to stand bare, straight into wind?

(How The Brave Deal With Losses, Ann VosKamp)

I read the rest of the article but I kept coming back to this, a question for the trees. How do you let go and relinquish glory and be willing to stand bare, straight into the wind? It keeps echoing in my head.

So, maybe it’s all those things and probably so much more…

There are so many things that strip us bare, aren’t there? Death and disease have both stripped me down and left me standing bare, and vulnerable, and exposed. They come like a thief in the night stealing away swiftly all that we have known and come to count on and love.

And I thought of this tree, letting go because that is what it has to do. The tree, no matter how badly it wants to, cannot make it’s leaves last another season. And my heart hurts for the tree and for what it is losing.

And I thought of these words…

Love’s like a hurricane, I am a tree Bending beneath the weight Of His wind and mercy

The tree, beaten, bruised, and whipped by the wind. Bent and broken under the forces it endures, but rooted still…

How do we let go…of a person, of control, of a dream? How do we let go and relinquish our beautiful leaves when they have reached their vibrant best? But the Autumn tree, it lets go and I am reminded of the rest of the song.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware Of these afflictions eclipsed by glory And I realize just how beautiful You are And how great Your affections are for me.
(How He Loves, David Crowder Band)

The glory eclipses the pain of affliction. It doesn’t erase it, it doesn’t negate it. You don’t forget, you never forget. The pain is still there but it fades under the shine of His glory when our eyes shift from “it” to Him.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. (Psalms 73:26 NLT)

And so we trust. We trust that this isn’t it. This isn’t the end. We know that as trusters and believers glory lies ahead for us. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. (Romans 8:18 NLT)

And we hold onto hope. Having hope will give you courage. You will be protected and will rest in safety. (Job 11:18 NLT)

While we may stand stripped bare, as autumn turns colder, facing straight into the howling winter winds remember the spring will come.

You don’t have to try to force things to happen. Stay faithful and you will walk into God’s blessings for your life. ~Spiritual Inspiration
I love a good story. I love a good God story even more and the one I got to be a part of today will, I am sure, continue to unfold. You could call it a series of random events or view it through the lens of being orchestrated by God’s almighty hand. I prefer the latter. I have already told this so many times today and hope that in writing it down it doesn’t betray the magic of the story.

The morning started typically enough with a two hour delay for school. (With the weather we are having that has become the norm.) I also had to have my monthly blood test today and had an afternoon appointment for work. The facility where I get my blood tested is very close to a Target and it’s become my reward after being jabbed to wander the isles of Target looking for clearance deals.

Today, as I was near the front of the store, I glanced over at the ATM and saw money sticking out of it. I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing and looked around for the person that it belonged to. No one was anywhere even close! I walked down the isle and pulled the stack of bills out of the machine and continued to look for the person who frantically must be missing what I determined to be $200!

After 10 minutes of wandering and waiting, I had to leave. I didn’t turn the money in. The cynic in me was afraid once I turned it in it would disappear. As I left, I kept looking over my shoulder for a camera and waiting for the “What would you do?” host to pop up and ask why I didn’t turn the money in. I also felt a little like a thief, while wondering at the same time if it was my lucky day. My plan was to call Target after my appointment and ask if someone had reported any money missing. Then let them tell me how much and where. Almost three hours after I left, I called the store and was transferred around a few times. Finally I was connected with a manager who said indeed $200 had been lost near the ATM today and, in fact, the woman who lost it was standing in front of him right then. How is that for timing?!

She asked to speak to me, thanked me profusely, and proceeded to tell me a little about her week. She had been diagnosed with cancer on her face yesterday and then lost $200 today. She also told me that the whole way back to the store she was praying that someone would be honest and turn the money in. She was so overwhelmed and upset and completely blown away that I was calling to return the money, especially while she was standing right there. Random? Good luck? I tend to believe it is something a bit bigger. So we set a time up for me to drive back the 45 min to the store. As I was retelling the story for the first time, I was urged to give her one of my books, Run and Be Still. After giving it some thought, it seemed after the week she was having it might provide some comfort and encouragement, so why not?

She was waiting at the door when my daughter and I walked in. She hugged me as if I was a long lost friend and thanked me at least a dozen times for returning her money. We signed the proper forms that the store required through their lost and found and continued to talk and share. I did give her my book and she teared up while the store manager looked on and didn’t quite know what to make of us. She entertained me by telling me about how she had the other store employees looking through her purse for her and patting her pockets down to make sure she didn’t put the money somewhere and just couldn’t find it. She said she felt like she was losing her mind and didn’t trust herself to have not overlooked it. I have had days like that too! (I have been known to look for things that I am holding in my hand…I am not proud.)

I had to ask her the burning question that I had and that was of course, “How do you walk away from your money in the ATM?” She laughed and told me it never came out while she was standing there. She waited and waited, got her receipt, figured it wasn’t working and walked away. It must have been on some kind of delay. At this point, I began to sense even deeper that our meeting wasn’t just happenstance. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. She walked out the door and I had a couple of things to pick up. I grabbed snacks for the kids, checked out, and got in line at Starbucks for what I deemed was a necessary afternoon treat.

I glanced over at customer service and saw my new friend looking through her purse and my immediate thought was “Poor woman. Did she lose her car keys now?” The employee she was talking to pointed her in my direction and she came over with my book in her hand, obviously in disbelief and said, “You wrote this? You really wrote this?” I assured her I did and she wanted to know how long it had been out and then she asked for my phone number. She said she was going to read the book tonight and wanted a way to be in contact. As best I can figure, she went to her car, read the book jacket, and had come back in to try to find me or a way to get ahold of me. It seems that the book struck a chord with her. I guess this story is to be continued but God has orchestrated an amazing beginning.

You know, I could have just claimed finders keepers. I could have said, “Thanks God for the sudden cash flow.” I could have tried to convince myself that it was ok. That it was all right. But I didn’t and the story I have tonight is such an amazing beginning. So much cooler, and immensely more gratifying than $200 could ever be.

God knew exactly what I needed today. I needed to see Him. I have been working on living, as one dear friend has said, within the confines of today, and looking for Him in today, in the big and the small. This is sometimes so frustrating because on the mundane, typical day in the life of Ashley Cunningham, I don’t feel like I can always find Him. On the house-bound-snow-days when I am drowning in laundry and dirty dishes, I don’t feel the sparkly freshness of God moments. That’s not to say He isn’t there. I know He is and I know life is sometimes mundane and typical. But God also knows that I am struggling with a need to continue to share my story. A need to understand the plans He has for my book. Ten years in the making, a surprise publisher that came looking for me, a speedy publication process, and now a beautiful finished product that I hold in my hands and wonder, “What now?” How do I get God’s message of hope, peace, and comfort from my hands into the hearts of those who need it most? This question has been so heavy on my mind and heart and then God shows up at Target with $200 that needs to be returned to a woman who needs more than just the money. She needs Him!

Isn’t it awesome when God injects some amazing into the middle of the typical just when we need it most? Feeling truly blessed tonight…

Living passionately as a survivor, embracing the chaos of the everyday and finding God right in the midst of it all.

Love Runners & The Do Good Studio

Love Runners and The do Good Studio are a Run and Be Still offshoot. Inspired to do something more, I formed this collaboration dedicated to meeting the needs of those living in the margins, both locally and internationally.

It all began with this pair of worn shoes and these simple words, "Take me where love is needed." At it's core our purpose is simple...Take us where love is needed and let us help in meeting those needs tangibly, physically, and spiritually.

Do Good Studio is a 100% not-for-profit store that exists to fund different Love Runner sponsored causes dedicated meeting needs of those who cannot help themselves.

We are able to do this by through the sale of fair-trade, up-cycled and unique Do Good finds and there are some really cool things in The Studio!

Learn more at www.DoGoodStudio.org

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Cease Striving…Be still…Know God (Ps 46:10) Sounds peaceful, right? Peace-filled is more accurate. "Still" has little to do with activity and everything to do with state of mind. Welcome to my crazy life!