UnNews:West Coast Mainline Finally Shut

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UK – Rail bosses have announced that after ten years of ongoing engineering work on Britain’s most important railway line, that it has finally closed down for good. The rail route, which links London with Glasgow, Liverpool, Birmingham and other undesirable places, was to be upgraded at a cost of £13bn.

The line now lies in tatters

A Department For Transport spokesman said, “Passengers were getting fed up of wondering if the line was open, or if trains were running throughout the disruption, and it has been very difficult for them to make plans. There’s nothing worse than seeing people turn up to the local station, to find there’s nothing running, and hear them wish they had used their car instead. This way, with the line permanently closed, they will know for sure it will be pointless to consider using the train, and won’t have to waste their time and our money.

One of the controversial anti-West Coast Mainline adverts by East Coast train companies

Besides, the Conservatives are bound to win the next election anyway, so it’s pointless us spending money on railways, which given past history they are only going to neglect. We should be feathering our own nests with the £13bn, whilst we’re still in power”, he added, whilst adjusting his Rolex watch, and rubbing his gold ring covered fingers together with glee.

Bosses from The East Coast Mainline, the main rival to the West Coast Mainline, have also been pleased at the news. Competition between the two railway lines, has historically been very fierce, and East Coast versus West Coast rivalry, has recently led to a series of advertising campaigns dissing each other, and tit for tat train derailments.

However not all groups are supportive of the closure plans. Rail union ASLEF have blasted it as “a sickening farce”, claiming that the axing of railway jobs will lead to a drop in membership, and thus affect the salary of their General Secretary. Reports suggest that a strike of railway workers last week was extremely strong, with zero trains running, of the zero planned. However railway management reported that "a significant number of staff still turned up to work, and although we ran with a reduced service of no trains, we managed to dismiss all those who bravely stood up to union pressure, got some of our kit back, and reclaim 30 lockers".