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"I did nothing
wrong while in
Manila. I will
do nothing
wrong here at
Augustana."
Ferdinand Marcos
Augie president
4KA
Ferdinand Marcos
011
Marcos' cronies have already arrived on campus
smoothing the way for the newly elected president.
Future Sift
Health, Physical ElltitatiOund Rem
3fid related playing fiet
V3:;
Mirror staff breaks ground
Marcos takes over Augie Augustana's search for a
replacement to President
William Nelsen was abruptly
halted Tuesday when it was an-nounced
that Ferdinand Marcos
had been hired for the position.
According to Richard
Gunderson, chairman of the
Augustana Board of Regents,
the hiring of Marcos will benefit
both parties involved.
"He (Marcos) was out of
work and we needed a new
president," Gunderson said.
"His 20 years of experience in
the Phillipines is really all we
needed to look at...well, that
and his enormous bank roll."
Upon further questioning,
Gunderson admitted the real
reason for hiring the exiled
Phillipine leader.
"I figure we can really kill
two birds with one stone by hir-ing
Marcos," Gunderson said.
"He assured me that he would
finance the entire HPER project
out of his own pocket, and we
get a good qualified leader for
the students on this campus."
Reached at his Hawaiian
hideaway, Marcos said the
Board of Regents made the only
move they had available.
"I have lots of friends with
lots of money; that's the only
thing the Board is really con-cerned
about anyway," Marcos
said.
The only thing Marcos was
really concerned about, he said,
would be the cramped living
quarters he'd be forced to live
in
"That house isn't even big
enough to store all of Imelda's
shoes and jewels," Marcos said,
referring to Nelsen's house on
the corner of 37th and Grange.
"Something will have to be
done about that. We've already
been suffering enough since we
were forced, I mean, asked, to
leave the Phillipines."
Asked if his scandalous reign
in the Phillipines would have
any adverse effects upon his
presidency at the college, Mar-cos
said, "I did nothing wrong
in Manila. I will do nothing
wrong at Augustana."
Gunderson agreed. "Ferd got
a bum wrap from the people in
the Phillipines. He's a little ec-centric,
that's all. Don't quote
me on this, but Ferd and his
family have always been really
tight with me and some of the
other board members. When
President Nelsen was fired, er, I
mean, resigned, we knew who
we wanted all along."
Gunderson admitted that not
everyone on campus would be
pleased with the choice of Mar-cos,
but concluded, "We're the
Board of Regents and we like
him. That's all that matters."
The Augustana Smirror staff
broke ground Monday after-noon
at the site of the $10.5
million Ferdinand and Imelda
Marcos HPER/Smirror com-plex.
"I thought it was the least I
could do now that the Regents
made me president," Marcos
said by telephone from Hawaii.
The proposed $5.5 million
complex has been expanded to a
$10.5 million project which,
besides housing the athletic
facilities of a water polo pool,
fencing arena, croquet course,
bowling lanes, and frisbee golf
course, will house the Smirror's
new and expanded facilities.
These facilities will include
multiple offices, a photo lab,
printing studio, four brand
(spanking) new compugraphics,
light boards, layout equipment,
sauna, whirlpool, and massage
parlor.
An equal size facility will
house Imelda's shoes.
"It's nice to do physical labor
after four months straight bent
over the compugraphic
machine," Alan Petersen, staff
Big Guy and Hunch Back, said.
"Besides, it was such a nice day
out. We didn't want to waste
any time. It was a perfect time
to break ground."
Marcos said the possibility of
adding an aerobic/modeling
studio is excellent.
"Mary (Hart)- requested it,"
Marcos said. "We didn't want
to disapoint her and the Regents
thought it was a good idea."
If the Smirror staff works hard
all day and night for the next
week-and-a-half, they hope to
have the complex completed by
graduation.
"We thought it would be a
nice present to the graduating
seniors," Marcos said. "Even
though they'll have to pay an
exorbitant rate to use it when
they come back to visit."
Any student who wishes to
have a locker engraved with his
or her name, or a gymnasium
named after him or her, may
drop a quarter in the donation
box next to the HPER sign.
Augustana Provost Lee
Bowker, in a surprising and
somewhat bold move, fired
himself Wednesday citing his
overwhelming lack of holiness
as the reason.
"Augustana is a college on
the move. We must do
everything with a committment
to excellence," Bowker said.
"If the faculty here are
Ph.D.s, then I should definitely
be a god."
Therefore, Bowker said he
has enrolled himself in school.
"I'm going to this great place
in Iowa called Fred's School of
the Deities," he said.
Still, Bowker hopes that
Augustana will always
remember him for his fine year
of service he provided.
"My long range goal is to get
my name right up there with
Mary Hart's," he continued.
"Someday I hope that my name
will also be a favorite for ex-ploitation
by this fine institu-tion."
Bowker's wife was en-thusiastic
about her husband's
dramatic switch from ad-ministrator
back to student,
saying, "Don't quote me on
this, but I think the change will
do Lee some good as his work at
Augie has been affecting our
homelife lately. He's already
got our children working on
their doctorates! Now, I may be
old-fashioned, but I think that
the jump from potty training to
thesis writing is just a little too
big for the average three-year-old.
Lee Bowker
"Remember, this is strictly
off-the-record, but I'm also a bit
upset over Lee's constant pur-chasing
of new dogs for the
family. Just when the kids and I
get used to the old one, Lee puts
that dog on leave to advance its
training!"
When asked about his home's
frequent dog roll over, uh, tur-nover,
Bowker stated, "If the
dog can't do a trick well, it
shouldn't do it all."
To fill the gap in leadership
created by Bowker's departure,
the Board of Regents has named
Myron Floren as new provost.
"Floren may not be ex-perienced
at school administra-tion,
but he sure plays a rockin'
accordian!" noted one Regent.
Floren was quoted as saying,
"I realize there are some who
may not think I'm qualified for
the job, but I'm a Regent, and I
like it."
Bowker fires himself so
he can return to school

"I did nothing
wrong while in
Manila. I will
do nothing
wrong here at
Augustana."
Ferdinand Marcos
Augie president
4KA
Ferdinand Marcos
011
Marcos' cronies have already arrived on campus
smoothing the way for the newly elected president.
Future Sift
Health, Physical ElltitatiOund Rem
3fid related playing fiet
V3:;
Mirror staff breaks ground
Marcos takes over Augie Augustana's search for a
replacement to President
William Nelsen was abruptly
halted Tuesday when it was an-nounced
that Ferdinand Marcos
had been hired for the position.
According to Richard
Gunderson, chairman of the
Augustana Board of Regents,
the hiring of Marcos will benefit
both parties involved.
"He (Marcos) was out of
work and we needed a new
president," Gunderson said.
"His 20 years of experience in
the Phillipines is really all we
needed to look at...well, that
and his enormous bank roll."
Upon further questioning,
Gunderson admitted the real
reason for hiring the exiled
Phillipine leader.
"I figure we can really kill
two birds with one stone by hir-ing
Marcos," Gunderson said.
"He assured me that he would
finance the entire HPER project
out of his own pocket, and we
get a good qualified leader for
the students on this campus."
Reached at his Hawaiian
hideaway, Marcos said the
Board of Regents made the only
move they had available.
"I have lots of friends with
lots of money; that's the only
thing the Board is really con-cerned
about anyway," Marcos
said.
The only thing Marcos was
really concerned about, he said,
would be the cramped living
quarters he'd be forced to live
in
"That house isn't even big
enough to store all of Imelda's
shoes and jewels," Marcos said,
referring to Nelsen's house on
the corner of 37th and Grange.
"Something will have to be
done about that. We've already
been suffering enough since we
were forced, I mean, asked, to
leave the Phillipines."
Asked if his scandalous reign
in the Phillipines would have
any adverse effects upon his
presidency at the college, Mar-cos
said, "I did nothing wrong
in Manila. I will do nothing
wrong at Augustana."
Gunderson agreed. "Ferd got
a bum wrap from the people in
the Phillipines. He's a little ec-centric,
that's all. Don't quote
me on this, but Ferd and his
family have always been really
tight with me and some of the
other board members. When
President Nelsen was fired, er, I
mean, resigned, we knew who
we wanted all along."
Gunderson admitted that not
everyone on campus would be
pleased with the choice of Mar-cos,
but concluded, "We're the
Board of Regents and we like
him. That's all that matters."
The Augustana Smirror staff
broke ground Monday after-noon
at the site of the $10.5
million Ferdinand and Imelda
Marcos HPER/Smirror com-plex.
"I thought it was the least I
could do now that the Regents
made me president," Marcos
said by telephone from Hawaii.
The proposed $5.5 million
complex has been expanded to a
$10.5 million project which,
besides housing the athletic
facilities of a water polo pool,
fencing arena, croquet course,
bowling lanes, and frisbee golf
course, will house the Smirror's
new and expanded facilities.
These facilities will include
multiple offices, a photo lab,
printing studio, four brand
(spanking) new compugraphics,
light boards, layout equipment,
sauna, whirlpool, and massage
parlor.
An equal size facility will
house Imelda's shoes.
"It's nice to do physical labor
after four months straight bent
over the compugraphic
machine," Alan Petersen, staff
Big Guy and Hunch Back, said.
"Besides, it was such a nice day
out. We didn't want to waste
any time. It was a perfect time
to break ground."
Marcos said the possibility of
adding an aerobic/modeling
studio is excellent.
"Mary (Hart)- requested it,"
Marcos said. "We didn't want
to disapoint her and the Regents
thought it was a good idea."
If the Smirror staff works hard
all day and night for the next
week-and-a-half, they hope to
have the complex completed by
graduation.
"We thought it would be a
nice present to the graduating
seniors," Marcos said. "Even
though they'll have to pay an
exorbitant rate to use it when
they come back to visit."
Any student who wishes to
have a locker engraved with his
or her name, or a gymnasium
named after him or her, may
drop a quarter in the donation
box next to the HPER sign.
Augustana Provost Lee
Bowker, in a surprising and
somewhat bold move, fired
himself Wednesday citing his
overwhelming lack of holiness
as the reason.
"Augustana is a college on
the move. We must do
everything with a committment
to excellence," Bowker said.
"If the faculty here are
Ph.D.s, then I should definitely
be a god."
Therefore, Bowker said he
has enrolled himself in school.
"I'm going to this great place
in Iowa called Fred's School of
the Deities," he said.
Still, Bowker hopes that
Augustana will always
remember him for his fine year
of service he provided.
"My long range goal is to get
my name right up there with
Mary Hart's," he continued.
"Someday I hope that my name
will also be a favorite for ex-ploitation
by this fine institu-tion."
Bowker's wife was en-thusiastic
about her husband's
dramatic switch from ad-ministrator
back to student,
saying, "Don't quote me on
this, but I think the change will
do Lee some good as his work at
Augie has been affecting our
homelife lately. He's already
got our children working on
their doctorates! Now, I may be
old-fashioned, but I think that
the jump from potty training to
thesis writing is just a little too
big for the average three-year-old.
Lee Bowker
"Remember, this is strictly
off-the-record, but I'm also a bit
upset over Lee's constant pur-chasing
of new dogs for the
family. Just when the kids and I
get used to the old one, Lee puts
that dog on leave to advance its
training!"
When asked about his home's
frequent dog roll over, uh, tur-nover,
Bowker stated, "If the
dog can't do a trick well, it
shouldn't do it all."
To fill the gap in leadership
created by Bowker's departure,
the Board of Regents has named
Myron Floren as new provost.
"Floren may not be ex-perienced
at school administra-tion,
but he sure plays a rockin'
accordian!" noted one Regent.
Floren was quoted as saying,
"I realize there are some who
may not think I'm qualified for
the job, but I'm a Regent, and I
like it."
Bowker fires himself so
he can return to school