Why letting go can be difficult

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I believe I was seven or eight years old when I was old enough to understand, was when I made Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. That he would come into my heart, and live with me forever. I am almost 20, and I am now an Ex-Christain. I was a praying, tongue-talking, witnessing, servant of the most high God. I no longer call myself that. It was not a sudden choice. It was a long transformation. Choices were involved, but they took a long time for me to decide. Ultimately, letting go was very tough. I can now see why, I now see why it took so long, and I now realize a few of the reasons why it was so hard when at the time I did not know why. To those who are considering leaving Christianity behind, I may not be able to make your decision any easier, but I can help you see why it can be tough. Here a few reason why it was tough for me.

I believed because it was all I was taught. When I was given these spiritual instructions, of which those around me (family, friends) were also following, I knew that something was right about it. When you are told to incorporate God in every thing you do throughout your day, and see that it is done amongst those who you hold close, questioning it is not something you will take lightly. But also, I was taught that without Him, this life is worthless, and the next one after is not to be looked forward to.

I believed because my reputation pivoted on it. God was something I made sure those at school and else where knew I believed in. I knew I was one of the few who were living the right way. I would rarely make decisions without thinking about the Bible. I did not look to make friends, I looked to please Him first, before anything.

I believed because God's reputation pivoted on it. One of the things I was taught growing up was to occasionally, kind of worry about what others may think. As a Christian, my actions everyday had to reflect Jesus. If I "back slid" in front of a non-believer, I would be crushed. Because in my mind, that would be what that person would think of all Christians.

I believed because it felt secure. I felt welcome in the Church. I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt like I held a higher priority. I was a part of something bigger than myself. I just did not understand that everyone desires that, at least at some point in time.

I believed because I was scared to not believe. Hell was a given right off the bat. What I didn't realize, was that I was so concentrated on searching for Jesus, that I didn't have a fall back. I did not know what I would do if I did not believe. I could not fathom myself not believing.

I believed because I tried to believe. This was not something I realized on my own. I read this in a comment to an article, of which the commenter and article name escapes me. But I believed because I pushed myself into believing. I wanted to believe, therefore, I believed.

C'mon, I've been there, done that. I even have a biblical name. Letting go is hard. Given that you could at least get through this article, I'll warn you: if you LOOK and research enough, you WILL find enough reasons to no longer believe. There are indeed some things Christianity does do right. But there also fallacies I could no longer ignore, no longer forgive and brush over with a few assumptions. Personally, I am through of apologetically thinking. Who wants to live like that?

Don't get me wrong. I consider myself a baby atheist. (Ever heard of the term "baby Christian"?) I still struggle with thinking apologetically, brushing over contradictions with assumptions. I still feel guilt over the simple things Christianity taught me not to do. But I'm still young. I have growing up to do.

Now if I could figure out why it's difficult to tell my family I am now an atheist...