For the discerning cheapskate record collector

(Atlanta, Georgia) – Far from being the heath and social risk so often portrayed in today’s media, alcohol abuse is actually quite endearing, even charming, a Centers For Disease Control and Prevention-sponsored workshop at the downtown Atlanta Hyatt Regency conference center heard yesterday.

The controversial CDC report, entitled “Stop Judging and Start Chugging”, noted that people who drink a lot show increased levels of over-confidence, political opinion emphatic-ness and finding themselves amusing. In addition, the report went on, other people “simply like them more when they’re drinking.”

“For many, many years now negative media stereotypes have done untold damage to the self-esteem of our nation’s ginhounds, whiskey sponges and winos,” announced report co-author Jamie Tan. “All too often the American booze jockey is the ‘bad guy’: Watch any TV drama and I bet you if there’s a scuzbag boyfriend, a wife beater, a child molesting step-dad or a skid row bum, he will be a drunk.”

However, the report indicates that such portrayals were not always the case and cites “sixeventies” UK rock band the Faces as an example of the kind of positive role model to which today’s dipsomaniacs should harken. “The is hope for every lush,” Tan continued, “in the ramshackle performances, boozy camaraderie and ‘lads will be lads’ misogyny all heard songs like ‘Had Me a Real Good Time’ and ‘Miss Judy’s Farm’.”

“We would all be a lot happier if we behaved more like the Faces,” concluded Tan amid enormous cheers and glass clinking.