Monday, 8 March 2010

Oscars. 2010.

So, ok. I'm in my Snuggie, we've got E! on. We're doing it right this year instead of watching the Sky red carpet coverage where nobody wants to talk to the lame British presenters... 4 more minutes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians... that's unfortunate.

Ugh, more Avatar lameness. The chick from it, her dress is just too much. I'm not a fan. Pick gradient, ruffles, OR sequins. Seriously. Choose one. Don't do all of them.

Joel Madden is a douche. Nicole Richie looks too severe. They fail.
Vera Farmiga. Whoozat? Her dress is also too much. What the shit, ruffles? Stop with the ruffles.

Oooh, he said Ryan Reynolds was coming up next, but I bet he will have his ARMS in a jacket. Ryan Reynolds's ARMS should win an Oscar of their own.

GODDAMMIT, CAT, STOP BEING NAUGHTY, WE ARE NOT GOING TO BED JUST TO SATISFY YOU, THE TV IS DOWN HERE.

Aw, man, yeah, his arms are in a jacket. *pout*
Lulz, Seaquest is a nerd. The awe in his voice when he asked Reynolds "what was it like when you put the costume on for the first time??" about Green Lantern. Lulz. Geek.
Jason Reitman is cute. OOH he has a twitter?? *runs off*
*follows*
*runs back*

OOH Sarsgaaaaaard & Gyllenhall, are they together?!?!?! WANT TO BE IN SAMMICH.
Shut up James Cameron. You're stupid.

Ooooh, Maggie Gyllenhall's dress is FANTASTIC. It reminds me of a handpainted ballet costume I had once, the year I danced to Imagine & made everyone cry.

OOOH I SAW CHRISTOPH WALTZ!!!! BASTERDS FTW!!!

Ok, I have to pee. I'm drinking SO MUCH WATER lately because of the impending IVF, and I have the world's tiniest bladder already, so I'm pretty much peeing all the time.

I wish my Snuggie wasn't so long, I'd just wear it to the bathroom. I'm that classy. But I can't walk in it.

OMG *GLOMPS SIGOURNEY WEAVER*

I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE'S SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL I LOVE YOU RIPLEEEEYYYY!!!!
She's gonna POLE DANCE in something??!?!?! I have had dreams about that.
Ok, I'mma go make coffee now.

Tina Fey, you are so lovely. She looks so elegant. And I still see Christoph Waltz back there.
Ooooh Carey Mulligan HOT HOT HOT. Doctor Who to the Oscars. Gotta love it.
OMGOMGOMG Sandra Bullock looks GORGEOUS. So far she wins dresses for me.
Oooh, more Basterds. Diane Kruger. Not pretty. A handsome woman. Gorgeous dress, she can rock that weird shape, whereas it would make me look like a balloon. I quite like her.
Oh Sandy looks so scared. But so beautiful. And her hair is perfect. Just long and down and sleek. Yes. She wins the entire look for me so hard. So far.

Heh. I want to see Precious, badly. Husband wants to see stupid Avatar. I have no desire to see that, he has no desire to see Precious. Sounds like a date.

Is Faith Hill wearing black lace tights???? STRUMPET!!! There is no excuse for that ever. Or is it an insert behind the slit on her dress? I can't tell. Ugh. I don't like her. Tim McGraw: King of jalepeno Fritos.

Ah, little Mama Mia blonde girl looks ok. A bit severe with the pulled back hair, what's up with so much of that tonight? AHMAHGAH SHE IS DOING A "SEXY GOTHIC DARK" RED RIDING HOOD?!?!!?!?
*squeeeee*
Husband just looked at me. He knows me.
What? Fairy tales are important to me.
Fairy tales are important, period.
They're more true than you realize.

EEE Jake Gyllenhall!!!! Hooray!!!!! His head is MASSIVE. Seriously, how does he hold it up?!?!?! I can't believe he & Reese broke up. That nearly made me as sad as Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins splitting.

Someone has a really pretty dropped waistline behind Jake.
Heh heh heh. Behind Jake. Where Heath belongs. ROWR.
Which reminds me, the fucking In Memoriam is gonna be rough this year. It was not a good year.

I'mma cry. A lot.

I have to pee again.

OMG MILEY CYRUS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BUT WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR UNDERWEAR?!?!?!? Aw! Husband just referred to her mom as "Mummy Ray Cyrus." Bless. I <3 Mommy Cyrus's angel wings tat. So pretty.

HAHAHAAA!!!!! He just started giggling like a maniac when they said "let's look at Sarah Jessica Parker" and said "That's a sentence I never want to hear."

God, she looks like a foot in a sack.

Poor Broderick. He looks chagrined.
And bloated.

Oooh, not so much with the loving Charlize Theron's dress. No no no. I mean, if you haven't got a rack, you want to draw attention to what you have, but that's just not pretty.

Fuck's sake, I have to pee again.

It's impossible to see Matt Damon or even hear his name without saying it like the puppet of him in Team America. *sigh*

NO KEANU NO DON'T GROW A GROSS PATCHY BEARD. UR DOIN IT RONG. Do it like Banderas or don't do it at all.

Remember that episode of Beavis & Butthead where they glued hair to their face to make beards? Yeah. Keanu is Butthead.

Other chick from Precious is AWESOME. I LOVE HER. "If fashion was porn, this dress would be the money shot." I LOVE HER. I just can't pronounce or spell her name, so I'm just gonna call her Other Chick From Precious.

I would hang out with her. She's my kind of people. I'd be squeeing all over the red carpet just like she's doing. She is awesome and I love her.

I did notice all the nude and blush shades at the start of awards season, and I approve. I'd look good in a peachy one, I think. Like Joanie from Mad Men had at the Globes.

I mean, not THAT good. I could never look THAT good. NOBODY could EVER look THAT good. She is special. Like, once in a lifetime beautifullest woman alive special. But I could pull off that COLOR. That's all. We have similar coloring. Oh god she's amazing. Seriously. She probably is the most beautiful woman alive right now. She's Marilyn beautiful. Like, beautiful for all time beautiful. Christina Hendricks is *SPECIAL.*

SQUEEEEEE ROBERT DOWNEY JR!!!!!! I LOVE YOU FOREVER TONY STARK. YOU HAD YELLOW SCRUNCHY SOCKS ON WITH YOUR SHORTS IN WEIRD SCIENCE AND YOU ARE MY BOOOOOOOYFRIEEEEEND!!!!!!!!!

Gerard Butler is lumpy. I adore him, like, as a dude, and an actor, but I don't drool like most women seem to. He seems really sweet and yeah, he's all ripped & stuff, but he just doesn't do it for me.

I have to pee again.

NO MUSTN'T PEE, IT'S JEFF BRIDGES.

The Dude abides.

Will pee when he's done being awesome on my tv.

Ok. Peed. I'm *SO* not drinking any more water tonight. Fuck them shitz, I'm not gonna be up and down every 5 seconds during the ceremony. Nuh-uh.

I feel like I need some perfume. What goes well with a leopard Snuggie and the Oscars? Nothing new & exciting, I'm not blogging BPAL tonight. I'mma go with Pannychis. "Nighttime festivities" seems right, and I've been in a real jasminey place lately. :)

I'm a little wary of having 2 hosts.
ONOES FUCKING WINKLEMAN NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOO. I hate her hate her hate her. This is who I hate:

She has ruined every American awards show since I've lived in England. She just runs off at the mouth about crap about which she knows nothing. I hate her, I hate her eyeliner, I hate her bangs, I want her to just stop.

What other insulting, idiotic talking heads does she have with her tonight? Ooh, David Baddiel, that's good. I like that. Even if he looks *disturbingly* like my ex. Like... uncannily. Frighteningly like my ex. It freaks me out. Ronnie Ancona..... I know I've heard of her... seen her on panel shows... I dunno. I don't remember if I like her or not. And.... some douchey looking kid in a tie that's about four inches too wide and PeeWee Herman white shoes.

I hope Baldwin's like, WAY drunk. That would be best.

THIS IS WHY WINKLEMAN IS A TWUNT:
She just said Hugh Jackman looks identical to Richard Madeley.

Yeah, no.

And maybe that did take a little longer than I'd expected. I got distracted image searching Jackman. Sorry.
OMNOMNOM SNIKT.

Might as well pee while this wide tie twunt is talking to stupid eyeliner fringey twunt.

SO TIRED OF PEEING.

Please can we just not have Winkleman?
OOH WE HAVE CANDY!!!!

Heh. Montage of British people winning Oscars. Bless.

WHEN DOES THE FUCKING SHOW START?!?!?!
Fuck this noise. I'mma go play some Fallen London.
There was a lizard in my room and the lady next door with a fossil collection and holes in her red stockings became obsessed with me, and now I seem to be stuck in a room with a fountain and some guests.
My husband thought the Pannychis smelled like nail polish. Fail.

WHY CAN'T WE SEE WHAT'S GOING ON??? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE FUCKING WINKLEMAN.