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America’s Just Not That Into Us

Why aren’t you visiting Canada like you use to? Sure, we know you’re having a little cash flow problem at the moment, but if you really, really liked us, you’d still want to find a way to spend time with us, wouldn’t you? We’re only a few miles away. Texans drive further to the Piggly Wiggly every day than it would take for a New Yorker to come up for the weekend.

According to the people who keep track of this stuff, US to Canada tourism is at a 36-year low !

So, anyway did the President say anything about us when he got back? What did he say? Does he like us? Did he say anything bad about us? He said something, didn’t he? What? What was it? He hates us, right?

We knew it. We know you all hate us, don’t you? A 2007 study said that Americans think Canada is boring!

O.M.G.! Is there anything worse than being called boring? A relationship can recover from a lot of things, but not boring.

We don’t stand a chance next to exciting, ultra chic New York with our dowdy little matronly Toronto. And how could we ever compete with hotsy-totsy Vegas?

No wonder you can’t stand being around us. We’ve only got Niagara Falls. Sure it’s got all the kitchy trash of Vegas and a couple of casinos, but no showgirls, no quickie wedding chapels and no Wayne Newton.

We don’t blame you for preferring glitzy, glamorous LA or hot, steamy, sultry Florida over our southernmost place: Windsor, Ontario — the genital scab of the country, where the mullet is just now coming into fashion. And it’s not even warm there.

Oh! Is that it? Is it because we’re frigid? Frigid and boring? Is that what you’re saying about us? Is that why you’re staying away?

We are working on it, you know. We’re all over this new global warming therapy, for instance. So, if it’s beachy you prefer…. well, we could get beachy, we really could.

And how can you call us boring when we’ve got Cirque du Soleil, “the hauntingly beautiful circus full of whimsy and wonder that nourishes the child within you?” Eh? How?

And you’re always saying how clean and pretty we are. Doesn’t that count for anything?

No?

Fine. Stay away. We still have the Japanese and Chinese and Germans and Dutch and those bloody Scots. We’ve got plenty going for us and they know it! And they appreciate us!

So we’ll be just peachy, thank you very much. Will you?

Because every time a frosty wind blows down from the north, you know you’ll think of us. And you know, even as the goosebumps rise on your forearms and your nipples stiffen in the chill breeze, you’ll suddenly be filled with an excruciatingly unbearable yearning for our beavertails. Oh yes you will.

[1]I know! THREE MILLION. I couldn’t believe it either. That’s just for security and policing. For 6 hours! It doesn’t include firefighters, paramedics, road closures and buses during the visit. Holy crap!

57 responses to “America’s Just Not That Into Us”

Have wanted to go to Canada for ages (but waiting til my elderly Canadian relatives pop off this mortal coil first so that i don’t have to visit them- you may think that comment is terrible, but you haven’t met them).

Turns out I am going over to Canada in a couple of months but for 3 days for work where I will be on a bloody boat filming safety crap! What a kick in the teeth.

I always think that there would be a huge Canadian audience of ex-pat Scots for my husband’s band (described recently as punk folk- whatever that is) and that we could spend a summer touring the Rockies and rocking out…but no one has ever organised it, sadly.

Well, since I went to Canada last year I feel like I have a lot to say about this. First of all, everything costs a FORTUNE. Granted I live in a cheap state and realize that Hawaii (been there), California (bt), and New York (bt) are also expensive, but at least the food was good. And I had been warned about Canadian food (someone had even told me the ketchup was bad), but it really was (with the exception of my host’s stew which was excellent and most delicious)! And I am a beer drinker and every beer was like drinking beer in an airport or sports stadium – EXPENSIVE. And I felt a slight “eeew an American” from everyone. And it was probably worse that I was from Texas which seems to have an extra added bad rep. And customs? Oh I did a whole post about that. Not to mention that your airports don’t have bathrooms. Don’t you guys pee? On the positive side, the flowers all over the place in Vancouver are very beautiful. Is it worth a trip there? No.
As for the comedians, models and hockey players, I don’t think you acxtually gave them to us. I think they just showed up here.
On the other hand:
Thanks for the electric cooking range, Trivial Pursuit, and most importantly, and this one IS – Basketball. Basketball is the best thing to be invented by a Canadian and yet you guys don’t follow it. Well next time you want to talk about Canadian exports to a U.S. citizen, mention basketball. You might not get it, but it’s great and most of us love it.
Go James Naismith!!!

Geewitz-Everything costs a fortune in Canada?? Yeah, try going to the UK, Switzerland or Norway sometime! As for the ketchup being bad..umm..what? And the food here is great (O.k. maybe not as much in Ottawa, LOL. Well except for the beavertails) Guess its weird for Americans to eat here because not everything comes in portions that could feed a commune. 🙂

Anyways, back to post-I don’t really care if Americans think we’re ‘boring’ or not. There’s plenty to see and do here and each province has its own flavour. Plus like you said XUP, who needs Wayne when you have ‘Cirque’ and all its crazy contortionists? 😀

MisssyM – Where do your relatives live? This is a huge frunking country so if you go somewhere far enough away they won’t expect you to visit them, trust me. Where will you be for those 3 days? And absolutely there’ll be a following for a punk/folk band of Scots – not just among the ex-pats. We love that shit over here. Anything with a slash-folk moniker we gobble up with a spoon. Except maybe not out west. Start at the east coast and work your way through Quebec and Ontario and then if you’re not tired maybe drop in on a few prairie provinces.

Geewits – I was afraid of what you were going to report as an authentic American tourist who’s been to Canada. I know you didn’t have too much fun. Probably you went to the wrong place. People who enjoy big cities and flowers and sushi will love Vancouver. You maybe would have had a lot more fun in Calgary (Canada’s Texas) or even Quebec or parts of Ontario. And yes, everything up here is a lot more expensive than down there no matter where you go, but Vancouver is our very most expensive place. You are probably going to pay at least $3 -$4 for a beer in a pub, though no matter where you go. And I’m so sorry that you got an ‘eeewww American” vibe off some stuck up Vancouverites. I guarantee lots of us would love your bad-assed Texas self, especially your accent. And yes, we DO seem to have a big shortage of public toilets. Everywhere. I don’t know why that is. I once did a whole blog post on it. And basketball will never replace hockey, (heck, spouse and kids don’t even come close to hockey), but there is a rabid basketball fan base up here. I hope if the opportunity ever presents itself to come visit Canada again, you won’t let your last experience cloud your decision. We don’t like it when people go away disgruntled.

A&J – I understand this is part of Ottawa’s gigantic security budget anyway. And by Ottawa, I mean federal. The city itself only has to pay for a very small bit of that. But still – I can’t wrap my head around that figure. It’s incredible.

Hannah – Oh!! Be nice… we’re trying to woo the Americans back not scare them off forever. We DO charge a hell of a lot for stuff here compared to the US – that’s why we sneak down there to do our shopping, isn’t it? I’m not getting into the food thing at all because food is a matter of personal taste. PS: Wayne’s face kind of looks like a Cirque du Something, too doesn’t it?

Raino – I’m sure we have way more going for us than that. The Europeans love us because of all the space and rugged terrain and wildlife. They spend hours wandering around in the middle of nowhere. My cousins came for a visit from Germany once and we took them to Algonquin park. They spent two solid days of their vacation driving through nothing squished in a car. It rained every day for the entire week we were camping. They got eaten alive by mosquitos; developed some kind of intestinal bug from pooping in the woods or eating so much corn and canned goods and to this day they swear to anyone who will listen that it was the best vacation they’ve ever had. And these are people who spend weekends in France, winters in Spain or north Africa; who’ve been to Fiji several times and pretty much anywhere else that sounds wonderful and exotic to us. And it’s not even that they’re totally out of their minds – lots of Europeans love this stuff we all find so boring and annoying. Go figure.

Your wondering why Americans don’t like us is easily solved.
Unlike everywhere else in the world they are taught that nothing and nowhere is as good as the USA.
They think it is expensive to drink beer here. Of course it is we actually have beer instead of diluted horse piss. Why do you think Bud keeps all those horses around.
For most of the USA now anything without a mall and a gas station is very threatening.
We need 6 mill to protect their prez because of their paranoia.
Most of the rest of the world doesn’t believe they can solve all problems with a gun so that level of protection seems excessive to us.
People avoid Texans cause the last one we saw for 8 yrs was such a colossal screw up.

My hubby and I have passports, and so does our daughter (we were advised to get her one when she turned 2-yrs old, so we did.) My husband’s parents got their VERY FIRST passport last year, (they’re in their 60s) because they booked a cruise to Alaska. Isn’t Alaska in the US, you might be asking? Well, yes, but they had to go through…

*gasp*

…Canada! A FOREIGN country! Oh no!! They were displeased to find out they needed a passport. But, they did it…begrudgingly.

Obviously they have a different view of the value of world travel, but sadly, a LOT of Americans don’t have passports, so your once-friendly borders are closed to them.

When I was growing up, my mom and dad piled us in the van and we took off across the country on a summer vacation family trip. We went to Canada, and we had a great time. Had we needed passports, we would have never gone.

Just this summer, one of my cousin’s daughters took a youth group trip up to the border, but none of the kids could pass over because they didn’t have a passport, and my cousin didn’t see the “need to shell out that kind of money.”

I can’t imagine not having a passport, and part of me is shocked every time a fellow American grumbles about having to get one.

I’m curious…and I need to check the stats on how many of us are passport-less. But, I don’t want to be in a bad mood so early in the day. 😉

You guys are great, just a little self esteem issue. Hang in there, once we drive our country into the ground, you’ll have all the southern territory you want/need.

As I see it, Canadians are like the family you WANT to invite to the family reunions. You guys are always friendly and willing to lend a hand. Sure it’s cold up there most of the time but that’s why they make thermal underwear, right?

The Queen and I were just talking about how we have to make a trip to Niagara Falls with the kiddies. Of course, we’ll jump the border (if they let weirdoes like me in your fine country).

Bandobras – Now why do you have to be so mean about Americans? Those are all stereotypes you’re propogating here. Look at all the lovely people that read and comment on this blog. None of them are what you describe and I’m pretty sure that’s representative of many, many Americans. Sure there are yahoos there, just like there are yahoos here. We can sneer at them sort of electing Bush, but we also elected and re-elected Harper and then got all crazy-eyed about that “treasonous” coalition that wanted to do something about it. The majority of Canadians don’t even know how our own political system works. And the beer thing is apparantly a thing of the past. Dave in Portland would take great issue with you maligning American beer across the board.

Jo/Anonymous – I think you might have discovered the real reason Americans don’t want to have anything to do with us anymore – we shipped Celine down there.

CP – That’s unbelievable. Over 41% of Canadian adults have passports. Even 41% seems low to me. I don’t personally know anyone who doesn’t have a passport. So, are you telling me Americans never travel anywhere outside of the US? I imagine most of our travel involves getting the hell away from winter a few weeks every year and that means going somewhere warm. And PS: I don’t think it was our idea to do that cross-border passport thing. I do believe that was a US-led initiative to stop all the crazies, we apparantly harbour, coming over from Canada.

Reeky – Thanks dude. I feel all warm and fuzzy now. Let me know when you’re going to be in NF. My family lives down that way so we’re there quite a bit. Perhaps we could wave howdy across the Niagara Gorge or something. And you’re so right – we DO have a little self-esteem issue.

I come from a large extended family, and I can think of ONE person (my sister, two if you count her husband) that have passports on my side. (And, really, I don’t even know if hers has been renewed…) On my husband’s side, it’s his parents, and his parents only, that have passports. One of his random cousins may have one, too.

We have a lot of friends who do have passports, but that’s because we are attracted to people who love to travel. That being said, we also have a TON of friends who have never had a passport and have no desire to see the world.

It’s sad, really.

Getting a passport is a cumbersome, lengthy and expensive process. In our eyes, it was worth the hassle, but we’re obviously in the minority.

I suppose you could argue that you don’t personally know me but I don’t have a passport. I don’t see a problem with not travelling outside of Canada — the country is big enough that you could spend all your vacation time exploring it without overlapping.

[Haha I read “Let me know when you’re going to be in NF.” and wondered why you were talking about Niagara and Newfoundland in the same comment.]

CP – Interesting. You can get a passport here in a couple of days for about $80 – half that for kids. You fill out a form, get a couple of photos taken, get someone who already has a passport to sign off and submit the whole shebang. If you’re in a rush you can get it in 3 days; if not, a couple of weeks. What do you guys have to do that’s so long and cumbersome.

Louise – I haven’t actually used my passport in quite a while, but I always renew it anyway because you never know, right? And thanks for spoiling my streak of not knowing anyone who doesn’t have a passport.

Jazz – Ya, that’s what I said to CP already. We’d be happy to just let them drive on over whenever they want, but NOOOOOOooooooooo, they wanted stricter border controls. Now they can’t ever leave their country.

Just because I’m a nitpicky kind of guy I have to point out that the USofA in order to defend themselves from the crazies north of the border required passports for their own citizens returning from Canada long before requiring them of Canadians.
Remember just because you are paranoid it doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

There are different prices based on age, but a first time passport request for someone 16 and older is $100. If you need it “expedited” you ADD $60 to that fee.

Here’s a note about “expedited” passports:

If you’re traveling WITHIN the next TEN WEEKS and don’t have a passport, you’re “encouraged” to expedite it. Expedited service turn-around is 5 days. (From past experience, it usually takes more than a month to get your passport…when we did our daughter’s, it only took a few weeks, which was considered “speedy.”)

The forms are typical government forms (confusing to some, not to others), and you need to present proof of citizenship, which would be a certified copy of your birth certificate, naturalization papers, etc. (Because it’s the govt. they are really picky about what is acceptable and what isn’t when it comes to official copies.) You also need to provide a photo ID.

You need to submit two valid passport photos, and the cost of those is not included in the above fee.

For minors, the fee is $85 (plus any expedition fees), and the child needs to be present at the Passport Office with BOTH parents. If BOTH parents are not available, a signed-notarized document by the non-present parent needs to be submitted with the paperwork.

Luckily, if you’re 16 or older, the passport is good for 10 years. If you’re younger than 16, it’s good for 5 years.

If you’re just renewing the passport, you can usually do so by mail which knocks off $25 off the fee, so for $75. (Unless you need it expedited, etc. See above.)

Like I said, we understand the importance of having a passport, so we were willing to jump through all the hoops.

And, I never said who was to “blame” for the rules…I was just telling you why less Americans are visiting your country. (Even though, it IS hard to overlook the whole Celine Dion thing.) Ha! 😉

The passports, definitely. As someone who lives right by the Peace Bridge and used to regularly go get gas in Canada because it was closer and cheaper (20+ years ago) it irks me to need a passport.

Plus, my son just turned 16, so I wouldn’t have even thought about it before that. I think if the kids & I get NY state enhanced driver’s licenses we can get back from Canada, but –

The both parents thing is only unless one has full custody and papers to prove it…but that brings up a horror story about a happily married mother getting grief at the border because her husband wasn’t with her & kid. I guess the idiot thought she needed written permission.

I’ll just stay here and throw rocks across the Niagara River…except then the Coast Guard will turn their guns on me in between making sure that boaters don’t get too close to the opposite shore.

CP – That doesn’t sound all that different than what we have to do to get a passport. It costs you a bit more and may take a little longer, but other than that it sounds pretty much the same. Not all that cumbersome…or maybe we’re just more used to bureaucracy than you guys. Probably if we had California and Florida and Hawaii we wouldn’t have so many passports either.

Bob – Please, this is a family blog. And I really would like to know where that aboot thing came from

Heidilou – Not the tails of actual beavers — delicious crispy fried dough in the shape of a beavertail, sweetened with sugar and cinnamon or laden with any number of fruity, chocolatey or even savory delights. Obama bought one when he was here. They probably didn’t let him eat it for security reasons, but it’s the thought that counts.

Louise – Thanks. The “Obama good time” link in the post also explains beavertails. It’s funny that maybe Heidilou thought we hacked the tails off real beavers and ate them.

Becky – Ya, the custodial parent thing HAS been a bit of a nightmare every time I have to get my daughter’s passport renewed. But as long as I have my stack of documents in order I’m okay. I don’t know. I would feel bereft without my passport. You never know when a last minute vacation deal might come my way. I want to be ready.

I have the custody papers, it just seems like a lot of work just to go get Chinese at George’s (the favorite “reason for going to Canada?”- and I don’t even like Chinese. I no longer want to go buy some 222’s either…Can you still buy them over the counter (pharmacist had to hand off, as I recall)?

A week end up north might be nice though. Maybe I should look into this subject seriously.

I can imagine going through life without that experience, but not without a passport and the experiences that brings. It doesn’t seem like that big a deal – a nuisance, certainly, but I see it as a bonus if a passport isn’t needed to visit another country, though I would probably bring it along anyway, just in case.

My brother is a supervisor for Canada Border Services and works at one of the crossings into the USA. He’s got SO MANY stories about how astonished many Americans are that Canada is actually a foreign country and has different laws and regulations. Yet we Canadians grow up with the idea that the USA is exactly that: a foreign country with different laws and regulations. I think it’s more of a big dog-little dog thing: Canada’s the little dog so we HAVE to be aware of the American big dog, just for survival.

Lebowski – With all the businesses going down the tubes in that neck of the woods, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that there’s always a market for sleaze.

Helen – NS is a pretty cool place to visit if you like scenery and oceans and stuff. And there are cruises leaving Boston and NY all the time that make stops in Montreal, Halifax and St. John’s

Becky – I’m not sure about the 222s. I haven’t heard of or seen them in decades. And George’s would be, what? In Fort Erie? I guess the idea is to get a passport not only to drive over to Canada, but to maybe see something of the rest of the world, too. Like I said before, you never know when an opportunity might present itself. That’s how I figure it anyway, so I always renew my passport just in case.

Nat – I think you’re definitely on to something there. I don’t think we should assume full responsibility though. She kind of left on her own accord and they are paying her to stay there.

Violetsky – Actually, I’ve never had a beavertail, either. They had them in Halifax, too and while they smelled nice enough I was never tempted by the idea of a giant slab of crispy fried dough. They’re kind of like pancakes, I guess except crispier. I agree about the passport. I don’t even find it that much of a nuisance – especially now they’ve relaxed the guarantor rules. It’s not much more difficult than getting your driver’s licence renewed.

Pinklea – I always find stuff like that so hard to believe and yet, I hear it so often.

Cedar – Hey, we’re not the ones who’ve given her headline status and letting her sing in movies and hooked her up with Oprah and keep paying her tons of money. She’ll never leave if you keep that up. See, we didn’t do any of that shit and that’s why she left

As far I know, you can still get 222s and other pain killers with OTC-strength codeine in them. Still kept behind the counter, though.

I’ve only ever had a beavertail once (at a Senators hockey game years ago — every Ottawa resident is required by law to attend at least one actual hockey game, I think) but as I recall, they’re not really like pancakes at all. Think more pastry-like, less chalky-bready-pancaky-like.

Louise – Thanks for the update on the 222s AND the beavertails. Wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out that no one who lives in Ottawa had ever eaten more than one?

Jobthingy – Thank you for being the only one who mentioned this. How crazy is that? You’re Chinese and you send away for cookies from Ottawa because Obama “bought” the same ones?? What kind of weird thrill does that give you?
And how about that $3M price tag? The whole thing is fraught with madness. MADNESS, I say!

Raino – Thanks.

Loth – Millions of Canadians and Americans will now be trying to access your blog because you are the designated Bloody Scot.!! And yes, of course, Leonard Cohen… although how he got into the same category as poutine, I don’t know. Have YOU had a beavertail?? They sell them on the boardwalk in Halifax.

And since this is your second post where American portion sizes have come up, I have to say that after I ate there the first time, I actually asked “Don’t you have anything smaller?” Not only that but one night I saw them hand the nachos to a guy and it was like a pizza sized tray! I remember thinking, “I’m glad I didn’t order the nachos!”

Don’t get me wrong, I loved the Regal Beagle as a fun neighborhood bar, but the food was bad and the portions were HUGE.

i loved this post. As someone with a lot of American friends, it is too funny. I read one of the first few comments and wanted to answer a few things said.
-yeah, we pee and our airports have washrooms but they might be written in French so like me (and I live here), you might not be able to read it
-yeah, our beer is more expensive because it is REAL beer and has twice as much alcohol in it
-ketchup-hate it!
-‘everything expensive’ here-yeah, we have great healthcare and don’t have to pick which finger to have reattached unless we are illegal and then the u.s. foots the bill-very flawed medical system over there. Ours isn’t much better in some ways come think of it:)
anyways, liked this post and got here via knitnut

As an ugly American (and passport holder since the age of two weeks), I feel obliged to point out that the passport requirements are as much our fault as the Canadian government’s. Also, passports were not nearly so expensive before we launched the War on Terror; evidently, by making them costly, we magically prevent terrorism! Who knew.

Also, I like visiting Canada very much. (Especially Francophone Canada, where I went a fair amount in college since it so close.) I don’t really have a good excuse for not visiting in recent years…I didn’t realize you guys missed me so much!

Geewits – There’s absolutely no need to defend your opinion on our food. We have some of the crappiest restaurants known to man and we also have some pretty damn good ones. And I’m pretty sure that we have plenty of restaurants that serve portions so huge it’s obscene. I’ve seen them.

Lo – I don’t know where Dave from Portland is to defend all these slurs against American beer. He’s this blog’s official expert in American beer. And I wouldn’t go around bragging too much about our health care system these days with 30 hour ER wait times and a good percentage of the population who can’t even get a GP. But you may have something there about the washrooms. Although I can never find a public washroom when I need one either and I know enough French to be able to read the signs.

LGS – Really? You love beavertails? What are your favourites?

Bandobras – Yes, doesn’t that sound appetizing.

Meloukhia – As a few people have said, I think the passport thing is actually ALL your fault. I don’t think Canada would have bothered if ya’ll hadn’t insisted. And yes, we do miss you. If you’re close to Montreal, then you must be close to Ottawa, too. You’ll have to visit Ottawa next time you manage to make it across the border. Have a beavertail. (PS: Tahmoh Penikett… you’re welcome)

Dave – Ya, it seems to be the same thing according to Wikipedia: Fried dough is a North American food associated with outdoor food stands in carnivals, amusement parks, fairs, rodeos, and seaside resorts (though it can be made at home). Fried dough is the specific name for a particular variety of fried bread made of a yeast dough; see the accompanying images for an example of use on carnival-booth signage. Fried dough is also known as beaver tails, elephant ears, whale tails, tiger ears, pizza frita, frying saucers , buñuelos in the case of smaller pieces, and in Rhode Island squares of pizza dough that get deep fried and covered in sugar are called doughboys; these foods are virtually identical to each other, and recognizably different from other fried dough foods such as doughnuts, beignets.

Missy – Halfway to Canada could be a long way depending on where you’re coming from. I’d say the best places for an American to visit in Canada are in Atlantic Canada – St. John’s Newfoundland or Halifax or Cape Breton. You get a real flavour of something different. Also Quebec City.