CRAIG CONLEY (Prof. Oddfellow) is recognized by Encarta as “America’s most creative and diligent scholar of letters, words and punctuation.” He has been called a “language fanatic” by Page Six gossip columnist Cindy Adams, a “cult hero” by Publisher’s Weekly, and “a true Renaissance man of the modern era, diving headfirst into comprehensive, open-minded study of realms obscured or merely obscure” by Clint Marsh. An eccentric scholar, Conley’s ideas are often decades ahead of their time. He invented the concept of the “virtual pet” in 1980, fifteen years before the debut of the popular “Tamagotchi” in Japan. His virtual pet, actually a rare flower, still thrives and has reached an incomprehensible size. Conley’s website is OneLetterWords.com.

"So difficult, isn't it, to draw hard-and-fast lines between what one rationally believes, and what one trusts is true, and what seems to admit of more than one explanation."—E. F. Benson, Trouble For Lucia

Omegaword suggests using amperbangs in the names of law firms as a testament that two heads are bigger than one.

We celebrate Omegaword's invention of the amperbang and now realize we've seen amperbang facial expressions, as when someone nods enthusiastically, eyebrows raised, to prod us to reveal a seemingly inevitable and yet elusive punch line.

Is it true, as Momus
suggests, that there are "few tales which would not be improved by the
addition of the phrase 'suddenly, a shot rang out'"? Decide for
yourself as we alter the opening lines of . . .

Is it true, as Momus
suggests, that there are "few tales which would not be improved by the
addition of the phrase 'suddenly, a shot rang out'"? Decide for
yourself as we alter the opening lines of . . .

One thing was certain, that the WHITE kitten had had nothing to do with it:—it was the black kitten's fault entirely. For the white kitten had been having its face washed by the old cat for the last quarter of an hour (and bearing it pretty well, considering); so you see that it COULDN'T have had any hand in the mischief. Suddenly, a shot rang out.

WANING GIBBOUS

The semicolon appears to be more than one-half but not fully illuminated by the reading lamp. The fraction of the semicolon's dot that is illuminated is decreasing, like the small villages in the English countryside. This semicolon appears before the Last Quarter Semicolon and before the Full Semicolon. The amount of the semicolon that we can see will grow smaller and smaller every day, like a ball of string.

When Andrew Lovatt kindly
praised us for "bringing the excitement and the hunt and mystery back
into lexicogaphy," we realized that he had identified the patron saint
of our magical dictionary: Artemis, the Roman goddess of the hunt. Thanks, Andrew!

Is modern science even more bewildered than religion? Here's Charles Fort's incisive take:

The position today of what is said to be the science of physics is so desperate, and so confused, that its exponents are trying to incorporate into one system both former principles and the denial of them. Even in the anaemia and frazzle of religion, today, there is no worse state of desperation, or decomposition. The attempt to take the principle of uncertainty—or the principle of unprincipledness—into science is about the same as would be an attempt by theologians to preach the word of God, and also include atheism in their doctrines. (Wild Talents)

Is it true, as Momus
suggests, that there are "few tales which would not be improved by the
addition of the phrase 'suddenly, a shot rang out'"? Decide for
yourself as we alter the opening lines of . . .

You have to start with the keyboard with individual letters. Then you graduate to the keyboard with concepts. Later, they give you this horrifying keyboard with the concepts grouped into ethical, jurisprudential, scientific and historic categories. You are horrified to find—to give just one example—"mass murder" and "the common good" sharing a single key. "Progress" and "calculated limited extinctions" are also key-mates.

And they tell you that's not even your final keyboard.

Graduation still looms. All the elders are getting excited for you.

The most horrible betrayal arrives, disguised as a graduation present.

Is it true, as Momus
suggests, that there are "few tales which would not be improved by the
addition of the phrase 'suddenly, a shot rang out'"? Decide for
yourself as we alter the opening lines of . . .

Clue: This is according to English novelist John Strange Winter (pseudonym of Henrietta Eliza Vaughan Stannard)

Answer: "The whole world is funny, but that part of it that calls itself dramatic is funnier than all the rest put together!" (The answer is in black text on the black background. Highlight it to view.)

We recently stumbled upon a surprising tip involving one-letter words: someone suggested using them as commands to keep a dog from barking. (The logic seems to be that dogs can't understand sentences.)

We happily note that in Shakespeare’s time, R was called littera
canina, "the dog’s
letter," because it sounded like a dog's growl.

"It is the custom here, that we go just a little beyond, that we consider each direction with the possibilities of madness and it’s grand, all-inclusive theatrics, where even minor dreams are worth their weight in gold, when balanced against the darkness out of which they have gestated and taken their cues from the fiercest and loveliest of all the animals."—surrealist J. Karl Bogartte, "The Weapons of Love"

Is it true, as Momus
suggests, that there are "few tales which would not be improved by the
addition of the phrase 'suddenly, a shot rang out'"? Decide for
yourself as we alter the opening lines of . . .

Vladimir Nabokov: "I confess I do not believe in time. I like to fold my magic carpet, after use, in such a way as to superimpose one part of the pattern upon another. Let visitors trip. And the highest enjoyment of timelessness -- in a landscape selected at random -- is when I stand among rare butterflies and their food plants. This is ecstasy, and behind the ecstasy is something else, which is hard to explain. It is like a momentary vacuum into which rushes all that I love. A sense of oneness with sun and stone. A thrill of gratitude to whom it may concern -- to the contrapuntal genius of human fate or to tender ghosts humoring a lucky mortal." (via SocialFiction)

Craig Conley is a true Renaissance man of the modern era, diving headfirst into comprehensive, open-minded study of realms obscured or merely obscure. A voracious researcher, he possesses both the focus required to compile book-length arcana on a given topic and the objectiveness to consider sources other scholars might ignore. It is precisely this tendency to "overlook" that forms the basis for Conley's Field Guide. As he states in the book's introduction, "Because we live in a highly visual world, we rarely exercise the full range of our hearing. Yet our ears can detect things that our eyes automatically reject. By listening as opposed to looking, we can avoid overlooking. Practice can be richly rewarding, whether one is listening for unicorns in particular or neglected delights in general." And so Conley mines the known literature on unicorns, nobly eschewing distinctions between historical accounts, fantasy novels, and instances of metaphor, organizing the brief excerpts and other tidbits found into 51 short lessons in the art of "deep listening" necessary to perceive the fabulous beasts. Soundwave diagrams impart insight into audible tendencies of the unicorn as rustling, laughter, mimicry of orchestral instruments, soft nickering, cries of ruin, and the creature's alarm "sneeze." More complex diagrams contribute to the mapping of the once well-maintained highways between magic and science, illuminating such correspondences as the Fibonacci Spiral with the shape of the outer ear and the comparative curl of the unicorn's horn with that of the human cochlea. Conley also offers an companion compact disc with four tracks of listening exercises set in a sylvan soundscape. Narrator Michael Warwick guides the listener through the first half of the CD, then departs, leaving only the birdsong and delicate, layered crackle and murmur of the forest and whatever one might discover there. This book and recording are fine works of practical esoterica. Highly recommended.—The Pamphleteer

Perhaps Portmeirion’s greatest achievement is the creation of a built environment that forces its occupants to question preconceptions about the world that they inhabit. As author Craig Conley points out, the setting is more of a virtual reality. The project exists as a series of contradictions that allow nothing to be taken at face value. The village has a town hall, but no residents and a lighthouse with no light. It is a port on an estuary too shallow for most watercraft. The result is a series of opportunities for expectations to be defied which, in turn, prompts visitors into a mindset of inquisition.

Is it true, as Momus
suggests, that there are "few tales which would not be improved by the
addition of the phrase 'suddenly, a shot rang out'"? Decide for
yourself as we alter the opening lines of . . .

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago—never mind how long precisely—having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. Suddenly, a shot rang out.

"The joker-god Maui has the same attitude as Ludwig II—you can't have too much loud color and bright contrast, and to hell with critics who want the 'understated.'" —Robert Anton Wilson, Cosmic Trigger II

Is it true, as Momus
suggests, that there are "few tales which would not be improved by the
addition of the phrase 'suddenly, a shot rang out'"? Decide for
yourself as we alter the opening lines of . . .

There was no possibility of taking a walk that day. We had been wandering, indeed, in the leafless shrubbery an hour in the morning; but since dinner (Mrs. Reed, when there was no company, dined early) the cold winter wind had brought with it clouds so sombre, and a rain so penetrating, that further out-door exercise was now out of the question. Suddenly, a shot rang out.

Thanks for this. It makes me miss writing those supernatural instructions and apothegms that you always made so much better (and more convincing) with your artwork! I keep wanting to do a New Dark Proverbs blog and make it work, and I think that's mostly your influence. I love the higgledy-piggledy metaphysical horse races ideas which constitute your various dissections of the game theory which language inevitably reveals itself to be (as it tentacles its way into its various convincing irrealities). I mean your diverse "series." I'm getting an image of the threads on a radial tire interweaving in space in a car commerical next to an image of the Three Fates and their threads. If I met the Fates, I think that would be the first thing I would ask them. "What is the thread count on my fate?"