Sunday, January 18, 2009

Lost in the Wilderness of Slush

Dear Editor,I am looking for an investor/publisher who will pay me for a genuine survivors wilderness story. My intentions are to live in the wilderness alone. Write daily logs of my activities, discovery's, and challenges. Send the logs directly to the investor/publisher as the owner to the rights of all logs, blogs, and face book activities. I propose to stay in the wilderness for a period of one year. The place of wilderness can be the investors/publishers choice or mine, However the Wilderness venture will be a true wilderness experience, nothing less than survivor in the rough. Can you lead me to someone with the interest for this adventure or give the interested party my email for communication purposes. What is the feasibility of this operation for success. My email is [redacted]. My surface profile can be found at [redacted]. Please pass this on.

Can you say Man vs. Wild? I believe that's the name of the series. I think there are more where an adventurer is dropped off alone (with camera crew) in the middle of nowhere and must survive and make his way out to civilization.

I am looking for someone who will pay me for my diary of what it's like to be an unsuccessful children's book author. I will make available all my many, countless, never-ending pile of form letter rejections, from both editors and agents, so you can make a book out of it. This will be the "true" experience of one author single handedly facing the publishing gods in what promises to be a truly heartbreaking experience.

I do like the "please pass this on" part, though. Do you think I could do that when I send my next agent query? It'd sure save stamps and/or emails, plus there'd be the surprise factor. Wow, I could get an offer of representation from someone I've never heard of! How cool would that be?

EA, I would like you or your publisher or an investor to pay me to live in a villa overlooking the Mediterranean. I would like a Ferari and several scantily clad servants at my beck and call. I also require spending money so I can go to the casinos in Monte Carlo. In return, I promise to give you all of my notes when I feel like jotting something down.

Oh, and did i mention the tuxedo-wearing chimp I will require as well?