Shelter-in-place survival guide

It’s Day-who-knows? of quarantine; your pillows are now your closest friends and whipped coffee and Tik Tok dances have become a lifestyle. Everyone is in the same boat, and the level of insanity throughout the Palo Alto community has increased drastically, surpassing even Joe Exotic’s — from Netflix’s Tiger King — level of crazy.

Your daily routine is as follows: as the clock hits 1 p.m., you awake from your haven and say goodbye to your new besties. It is now common for almost everyone to be in their bed for a minimum of 15 hours a day, so it’s best to get outside for a couple of hours to prevent bedsores.

While you thought everyone in your town was annoyed with the unfortunate circumstances, you were wrong … your pets could not be happier. Not only are your pets a joyous light in this depressing state of life, but they are also helping you learn a new language. With their small bodies somehow producing noise at an octave of 10, your slight insanity has led you to believe that you can understand the covert language of bark.

After a couple of hour-long conversations with your dog, the boredom has begun to shadow your aura once more. You think to yourself, “How about I dye my hair?” This seems to be a common thought among Paly students, and the answer is, do it, do it now! You may ask yourself, “What if it looks bad?” Simply turn off the camera function on Zoom during class time — no one needs to know of your mistake. But if it turns out well, well, you’ve got algae-colored hair and you should be proud! (I know your parents are.)

Now that you’ve learned a new language and are rocking fungus-colored hair, why not indulge in some light TV? Well, maybe not so light, as TV is now your second best friend. Your day will nonetheless consist of sleep, lying down, maybe breathing some fresh air, and watching a motherload of TV shows provided by the deities — Netflix, HBO, Disney+, and Hulu (sorry Youtube originals, you’re merely a mortal living amongst the rest of us).

Just as you’re hitting your third hour of television, you eye your swimsuit drawer. With a vengeful eye toward the world, upon sight of your drawer, physical pain is cast upon you. This pain is a reminder of your canceled spring break plans. So, grab those swimsuits you’ve been waiting months to wear and douse them in a little lighter fluid and head outside to make some s’mores.

At this point in your day, the fumes of burning polyester have reached your mother’s hound-like nose. In a fit of rage, she demands you put out your makeshift revenge fire. Because this is the seventh argument you’ve had today, you do so willingly. As another day approaches, it is now apparent that you must pick your fights wisely.

After almost all efforts to overcome boredom have been made, you are left resenting the fact that you are in high school. As 5 p.m. is around and your of age siblings bust open a bottle of bubbly, you’re left thinking to yourself, “Why don’t I just move to Italy?” But as soon as you turn on the news … “Nevermind, I take it back.”