The Best Bachelor Wedding Recap You'll Ever Read: Grown Sexy Edition

Last night ABC aired Sean and Catherine’s wedding, an event that so simultaneously sweet and boring that I didn’t know whether to cry of joy or change the channel. The big theme last night was ‘grown sexy’ which is as ridiculous a concept to us as it was to Ashley, who actually mouthed ‘What IS that?’ to JP in the midst of Chris Harrison discussing it at the end of the weekend. But really how did ABC even approve that theme? Was the alternative ‘child sexy’? Now that would’ve truly been a fucked up night to remember.

The real theme of last night was “Sean and Catherine are going to fuck for the first time”. It was literally the only thing anyone on this show could talk about, allude to, or directly reference. I mean there was literally a ‘honeymoon suite cam’ in the corner of the screen for upwards of an hour, featuring an actual empty room with a big bed and some maid coming in to clean it. #GROWNSEXY

The episode starts off with Sean and Catherine’s road trip where we got to see shit like the Grand Canyon and the precedent set for Sean ignoring Catherine whenever she’s speaking. Thankfully, they’ve got a bunch of time in the car for us to get the scoop on the big day as Catherine and Sean talk about their wedding plans aka Catherine continuously speaks for over an hour and Sean completely tunes her out.

Next, we’re back to Dallas where Sean has forced Catherine to move in with his ‘best friend’ so he doesn’t have to have sex with her until the wedding night. By best friend this either means 'girl he’s hooked up with at least once' or 'rando ABC found off girls who auditioned for the Bachelor but didn't get on the show Craigslist. Catherine then covers this girl’s apartment (who she barely knows) with collages of her and Sean #normal.

Next we head over to Sean’s house to have a word with the Lowes:

Sean: Today I’m going to tell my family that ABC we picked a date for our wedding.

Catherine’s thoughts during this Lowe family meeting: Wow I hope Sean doesn’t grow up to look like his dad. Sean inherited his dad’s lack of eyebrows but thankfully not his ‘Ken, the page from 30 Rock’ inspired accent.

In a big fuck-you to Chris Harrison, Sean asks his dad to officiate the wedding instead. You can’t buy everything with money ABC! But really, do we need to watch the cleaning lady tidy up the Honeymoon Suite? There might as well be a timer in the bottom right corner with the heading “Countdown to Poundtown” for all the classiness of this Suite cam.

Next we watch about half an hour of footage of cake decorating interspersed with lingerie shopping and Catherine’s sexual photo shoot because reminder “SEX SOON. CATHERINE HORNY” I did enjoy how they make the La Perla girl pretend she doesn’t know who Sean is or that he’s coming in.

Meanwhile. Back at the live wedding we get to see Trista and Ryan, Des and Chris, and Lisa Vanderpump and Giggy. Is it weird that I like Giggy's tux more than Sean’s? Side note: Why is Andy Dick invited to this thing and why does the camera pan to him at least three times?

Sean wears converse to his interview with Chris Harrison just a couple of days before the wedding. Chris shows an equal lack of respect by donning a studded pocket square.

Ah, fucking finally, the wedding ceremony begins just as I was about to take a nap. The have the hip band 2Cellos playing the most boring ass wedding music I’ve ever had the displeasure of hearing. Were they playing the reigns of Castamere as everyone but Catherine walks down the aisle? #notgrownsexy

Catherine, looking adorable and pretty (finally a compliment!) Then they play a cello version of Michael Jackson’s Human Nature which wasn’t really giving much pizzazz to the already boring ceremony. Sean’s dad then gives an insanely boring speech sprinkled with some Christian input which is so boring there’s no way anyone was listening.

::And now for a silent prayer just long enough for a commercial break::

Sean wants personalized vows written by ABC’s speechwriters. There were way too many references to how happy he was to find love on the Bachelor for this vow not to be sponsored by ABC. Seriously I’m surprised he didn’t have to say, “I’m so happy to have found the love of my life, Catherine. Tune in Mondays at 8 pm, this vow sponsored by The Bachelor!” Sean then cries hysterically and some warmth was brought back to my cold, dark heart.

We end as Chris Harrison gives a shameless plug for tonight’s episode of the Bachelor, as no Bachelor special would be complete without excessive references to how amazing The Bachelor is, excessive amounts of brand plugs, and at least one tacky mention of drama to come on upcoming episodes.

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