The Truth about Lemons

My father is sick and I'm completely powerless. Now what?

I’ve heard people say a lot of stupid things, but ever since September, when my father was diagnosed with a cancer so rare everyone asks, “Is that even possible?” when they hear about it, the list of Stupid Things People Have Told Me has reached an all time high.

“Oh…” they murmur, sympathetically. “I’m so sorry. How are you doing?” Pity oozes out of their every pore as they rest their hand, in what I’m sure they assume is a comforting gesture, on my shoulder. Next comes the part where they try to offer me some words of wisdom. My favorite so far? The person who looked me straight in the eye and said, “You know when life hands you lemons, you just have to make lemonade.”

Seeing as how it would be impolite to smack them and run screaming from the room, I usually just clench my fists and force a nod.

Were it not for societal constraints, I’d scream, "THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD!" right in their unsuspecting face.

Life does not hand you lemons, sugar and a pitcher.

Life chucks bricks at you.

Life tosses you a chain saw and yells, “Catch!”

Trust me, you would be lucky if life just handed you lemons.

I know that people mean well. And I suppose if I’m going to be honest, I would admit that I’m not really angry at them anyway. Maybe what I want to really do is cry to God, Why me? Why us? Why my father?! Maybe what I really want to do is wake up from this parallel universe I’ve somehow fallen into and find that -- voila! -- everyone is healthy and back to normal.

Maybe what I really want is some control over all these calamitous events that are happening in my life.

I fluctuate between all five stages of grief at one point or another during the day.

I looked it up and found that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. That sounds about right. I fluctuate between all of them at one point or another during the day. I pretend like everything is fine, I get angry when I remember it isn’t, I make deals with God like, I’ll pray every day for the rest of my life if You… I eat massive amounts of mint chip ice cream.

But that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the last stage acceptance.

There’s a saying my father is very fond of, paraphrased from the words of the Chafetz Chaim to one of his students.

Let me ask you, if you’re on the train and you want it to go faster, are you going to go outside and push it?”

“No…”

“Of course not. That would be pointless. So stop trying to push the train.”

Acceptance doesn’t mean desperation. It just means understanding that you are not the conductor and you can not just get out and push the train.

Everyone always quotes the statement of our Sages that says, “Everything is in the hands of Heaven except fear of God." In other words, you have no control over anything in life. And the truth is, we don’t fully realize this until we’re thrust into events like this where it’s so clear how little control we have. I’m not a surgeon; I can’t operate on my father to make him better. I have no idea how chemotherapy works so I can’t very well convince it to do a better job. I don’t even have any power over the cells in his body that are mutating in disturbing ways.

I. Am. Completely. Powerless.

So now what?

The “lemons” God hands you can either make you bitter -- or better.

I may be only 19 but I know this much: the “lemons” God hands you can either make you bitter -- or better. I could ask “Why!” until I am blue in the face. I could beg and plead, be angry, stay in bed all day. But none of those would actually help anyone, least of all me.

There is only one question worth asking, and that is: What do I do now?

Everyone focuses on the first part of the saying, the part where they make it very clear just how little control we have. What people don’t remember is the second part: everything is out of our hands except for our fear of God. In these situations, where it feels like the trains is going so fast you may very well fly off the tracks and end up in a ditch somewhere, there is one thing you’ve got going for you. You, and only you, can decide how this will affect your relationship with God. Do you realize what a big deal that is?

Some people ask me how I can still have faith in God when my family is being put through the ringer.

"What does one have to with the other?" I ask.

"Well, aren’t you angry?" they want to know.

"Sure. But being angry implies that I have a relationship with God. I get angry at my parents because I know they love me, so there’s actually a point to getting angry. I don’t get angry at the president because he and I do not have a relationship. God is my father. I’d rather be angry then indifferent."

So go ahead, be angry. Make bargains, eat chocolate. But don’t forget that there is a fifth step, one that is more powerful than any other painkiller: accepting the fact that you have no control. Whether you like it or not, you are sitting on this train and it is going wherever it’s going, at whatever speed it’s traveling at.

So stop trying to push the train.

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About the Author

Sivan is a 19-year-old resident of Fair Lawn, NJ, where she lives with her parents and three younger siblings. She has recently begun working for non-profit organizations which help raise money for pediatric cancer patients. Her latest endeavor has been training for the upcoming Miami marathon in January in order to raise money for Team Lifeline in honor of her father's recovery. You can check out her website at

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 43

(43)
Anonymous,
October 27, 2010 2:26 AM

Baruch Dayan Haemet.
i went to your father's funeral on motzaei shabat, and it literally changed my life. i never knew him, yet he had a huge impact on me. he was an incredible person and i wish i could have known him. after the levaya i was talking with a couple of people who knew him, and they were telling me the most amazing stories about him. he was a true tzadik.

(42)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2010 10:03 PM

baruch dayan ha'emet

I attended your father's levaya last night...although I never met him it is so clear what an amazing person he was. I was moved to tears by every speaker, and your brother spoke so poignantly and beautifully. I plan on being a changed person after that levaya and truly take something from it as the rabbi said. I am so sorry for your loss and Hashem should comfort your entire family. Baruch dayan ha'emet.

(41)
Miriam,
October 24, 2010 7:39 AM

Baruch Dayan Emet

Sivan, it's late Motsai Shabbat and I just read a letter from Aviva relating the sad news. Your father, alav hashalom, is to be buried tomorrow in Eretz Yisrael. I can't sleep...So I did a Shachnavich search on google. I've read so many special things about your family, including your Chai Lifeline marathon run with Barak . This article is the ultimate tribute to your father, attesting to the legacy he leaves this world. May you be comforted by knowing you are each the most amazing children he could have hoped for!

(40)
Donna Kachler,
October 5, 2010 1:26 AM

You truly know what it is like to have a relationship with God! God Bless you and your Family...I know he has already...He blessed them with you, a wonderful inspiration of thoughts for others that can learn from you! (PS. I'm an alumni of FL and friend of Lisa Roseff; saw this on her FB post)!

(39)
Anonymous,
February 14, 2010 6:49 PM

It's true that hashem runs the world and chooses when and what should happen to whom but our sages do say that when misfortune befalls a person, one should review their actions. I hope this won't be one of the stupid hurtful things people have told you, but I really mean well. when one gets physically ill, one can look into their health behaviours and see if they can change. Go on the internet google natural healing, pH balance, alkalizing, and you will see how much lemonade there is to be made of illness. Because there is so much you can do, you just have to open your mind. I've read countless, countless stories of people who have healed themselves of the worst cases of cancer by changing over to healthier lifestyles.
I wish you lots of bracha, this journey is not an easy one.

(38)
Anonymous,
January 19, 2010 2:30 AM

My thoughts for you.

Sorry for all that this is doing to your father and family. My mom passed away from a very aggressive cancer, about 17 years ago. She was pretty young, and I was in my 20's. That experienced taught me about levels of pain I never imagined possible. And no amount of time prepares us for terrible things happening to loved ones. Spend as much time as you can with him, ask him what he would like right now.... to be more comfortable or whatever, and do what you can for him, and for any family member that is going through their stuff too. Also, I wish I heard of the Zone diet while my mom was alive, it helps improve the immune system & reduce pain. If you can concentrate on reading this book, you may want to try this towards maximum health for your family. And try to get him to go/walk outside if possible, this can help his body as well as his spirit. Do know though, that if you can not do anything beyond get out of bed and try to make it though the day without crying, that's okay, and it's all most people, that are going through this can do much of the time. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

(37)
Jacob,
January 18, 2010 5:32 PM

Sivan, your father is one of the better human beings I have known. In my few brief interactions with him I have learned very much. I know you, just a little bit, also and you have a lot of him in you. I will pray for his recovery.

(36)
Anonymous,
January 17, 2010 9:32 PM

Thanks - it's great!

Dear Sivan,
thank you many times for sharing this good insight of yours and the wisdom that emerges out of your experiences.
I am amazed about what a 19 year old is blessed to do and stand for (there are others).
So: May your Great G'D bless and help you and all of your family members and friends.
SHALOM.
Dorit

(35)
marilyn yanofsky,
January 17, 2010 1:23 AM

so very moving and very truthful. I lost my father 28 years ago and I go to the cemetary every month to talk to him. I know he is not here but I still can not accept. I am an pnly child and me and daddy were so close. Shalom to you sivan.

(34)
Margarita,
January 15, 2010 12:56 PM

great point

wonderful article.

(33)
a,
January 15, 2010 4:39 AM

wow. that is some pretty powerful stuff. . . .

(32)
Meredith,
January 15, 2010 1:49 AM

THANK YOU!!

My friend forwarded me this article and I can not tell you enough how much I relate to it. I have been going my Father's terminal illness for the last 5 years. It sounds like you have been reading my thoughts. I too go through those five stages on a daily basis. It had taken me a very long time to get here, but I can faithfully say that I am in acceptance of my Father's fate and the control I have over it. Thank you again for your article!!!

(31)
Anonymous,
January 14, 2010 5:59 PM

Beautiful

Sivan this is a truly beatiful article that really touched me. Thank you for sharing it- your strength is ubelievable.

(30)
Anonymous,
January 13, 2010 11:31 PM

I'm inspired!

Sivan! you truly amaze me! you taught me a great deal... and gva me lots of food for thought. thank you.

(29)
,
January 13, 2010 5:43 PM

Sometimes events have their own proper time and our anxiety a different times. Somebody stole my cellphone, last Sunday, I would like to have it back today, I am cut off, disconnected from the world but.....The carrier said that at least wait four days, and I am in the third....

(28)
,
January 13, 2010 1:00 PM

I have tremendous respect for the path you choose to walk and the courage and time you take to share it with others, and I am sorry for your pain and your father's pain.
May Hashem bless you both.

(27)
J LaLone,
January 13, 2010 12:23 AM

That is a lot of wisdom for only 19 years of experience.

I applaud you and I thank you. It is indeed so frustrating when peple say foolish things when one is suffering. I think it is said mostly to hush us up, sweep the sorrow under the rug. Nothing says I care more than saying, "I will say a little prayer!"

(26)
raye,
January 12, 2010 4:36 PM

Coming to terms with the inevitable when one is prepared for it

I like to think that i have matured enough mentally and spiritually so that I can accept the loss of a family member or close friend after a terminal illness. But I find it difficult to get over the shock when suddenly receiving news that somebody is gone for no apparent reason or illness. Is it because one would have wanted to say a proper
"goodbye'? Need I say more.

(25)
Gloria Magence,
January 12, 2010 10:28 AM

Very powerful and thought provoking. I wish I had read this when I was going through a similar situaton. Yashar koach!

(24)
Anonymous,
January 12, 2010 9:55 AM

YOU are NOT completely helpless !!!!!!! YOU CAN SAY 'I LOVE YOU' TO YOUR FATHER ! YOU CAN TOUCH HIS FOREHEAD, YOU CAN HOLD HIS HAND, YOU CAN SING TO HIM, YOU CAN SPEAK COMFORTING WORDS FROM TORAH TO HIM, YOU CAN BE WITH HIM IN HIS ROOM. YOU CAN DO THIS AND MORE . AND ALL THIS IS POWERFUL !!!! it is LOVE !!! AND i assure YOU THERE IS POWER IN LOVE, POWERFUL EFFECTS IN LOVE. YOUR LOVE WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE. PLEASE LOVE YOUR FATHER AND DONT LET LOVE LEAVE HIM,ever !!!

(23)
,
January 11, 2010 7:57 PM

Thank you so much for these incredible words of wisdom Sivan. We all wish a speedy recovery for your father. You and your family are an inspiration for all of us.

(22)
Pearl,
January 11, 2010 6:25 PM

thank you so very much!

This article was just what the doctor ordered for me today! What divine providence---thank you for inspiring me at a time that I so desperately needed it

(21)
Ted Leeb,
January 11, 2010 5:02 PM

Lemon Article

Your article on lemons was wonderful. Thankis for the insight.

(20)
Cindy,
January 11, 2010 4:54 PM

Silver lining

My father was a perfectly healthy, active upper-sixtys man who died suddenly while driving his car down the highway. HOpe your father has a Refuah Shelaimah, but always be grateful for the ability to say goodbye.

(19)
Anonymous,
January 11, 2010 2:29 PM

It's all about Emunah

I lost my Father August 1st..We were the closest Father/Daughter that could exist. He was on dialysis for 19 years and had a bad heart for longer than that. He was a man who was never bitter about his situation and ENJOYED every minute of his life, sick or well. His Family was everything to him and he believed Hashem did everything for reasons we cannot understand.. What got me through his death and his illness was knowing that we have a Merciful Hashem who has a reason for everything. Perhaps I cannot understand it now but I do believe it is all part of a plan. Our miracle was having a Father on dialysis for all of that time, for having 8 code blueswith no brain damage and for being with his family until he was 85.

(18)
Anonymous,
January 11, 2010 8:03 AM

when my daughter was so sick, her throat so swollen she could barely breathe.....gasping loudly for the tiniest bit of air to get thru, i heard the L-RD say "I AM closer to her than the air she cannot breathe" and i knew HIS love for her is greater than all else.

(17)
Anonymous,
January 11, 2010 3:34 AM

i think that the point of this article (and it was absolutely amazing, thank you so much sivan) was not that a sick person deserves the sickness for some oldheld debts or to go gather tzedaka and tefillot and chessed (cuz it's being done, the Shachnovitz's are an amazing family) but that all of those "helpful" suggestions do not immediately take away the reality of a sick family member. And when day in and day out nothing seems to be affecting, you do have to let go and just rely on your faith.

(16)
Beverly Kurtin,
January 11, 2010 3:05 AM

Can't Fix Stupid

You have no idea of how many of us are rejoicing at your father's recovery. Many people say things they think is going to be helpful, they are just echoing what they've heard others say in to others in your situation. I hate calling it stupid, but that's essentially what it is. As a former crisis intervention/suicide prevention counselor, I know what the BEST thing to say is NOTHING. Just a sigh, a nod and a light hug suffices. On the phone a "I'm sorry to hear about that, how are you holding up" followed by shutting up and letting the person who is in pain talk without interrupting them except saying "uh huh," or "I hear you" will do more than anything else. Do NOT criticize, make suggestions or do or say anything else unless the individual ASKS you to say or do something. You can fix anything other than stupid and a lot of what is said to a person who is hurting is just plain stupid. THINK before you TALK.

(15)
Anonymous,
January 11, 2010 1:32 AM

Amazing article Sivan! Inspiration to all!

(14)
alecia,
January 10, 2010 11:39 PM

been there done that

having been through a few losses in my day i would just like to add one thing. it doesnt matter if a person is 19 or 90 when there is a potential of a loss, the same feelings are felt. if someone is smart enough to recognize them at 19 can you imagine what a 90 year old would be thinking. i applaud anyone has gone through loss, whether sudden or drawn out - it affects everyone differently and i do agree that it is truly only up to each person as to how much they will be affected. imagine for a moment what a crazy world it would be if no one was affected - that would mean no one cares - but we do and we will always - that's what makes us human and humans have feelings and most of them can be justified - no one can ever take away your feeling - you feel the way you do because you do - others may help you see whether those feelings are healthy but dont every deny someone the right to feel - it makes us who we are

(13)
,
January 10, 2010 8:26 PM

Thanks

Thank you!

(12)
Marsha in Englewood,
January 10, 2010 6:58 PM

My thoughts are with you

Pray. Say Thillim. You may find comfort in the book The Blessing of a Broken Heart, by Sherri Mandel. Her loss is not the same, but her message is universal. Chazak to you and your family.

(11)
Grace Fishenfeld,
January 10, 2010 6:50 PM

Proxy

God is there but not only for US. WE are meant to tackle hard times and make choices. WE must comfort the pained ones. Make life easier for your dad and show him your love and strength. By supporting him in this crisis, YOU are extending God's will. WE are the extra hands of God. WE do the comforting and understand that the train will some day stop for US also. Accept and show him that you love him and continue to love life. HE then may leave without worrying about YOU..

(10)
Sandy,
January 10, 2010 6:25 PM

another way to handle the "stupid" things people say

Sivan,
I am impressed with your high level of inner-knowing, your sense of what's really important when dealing with a crisis. I have had much grief and struggle in my life, most tragically the loss of a five year old son. One of the most important things I have learned is to teach people the "right" response to what I need as comfort. We are the only ones who know what we need. People mean well, but there's very little out there to inform people as to how to respond to crisis with the right words and actions. What made me angriest was when people would say that Gd only gives people what they can handle, and I must be a strong person because I was given such a great burden. I know many who did not do well in crisis, so that theory has so many holes. I have consistently asked people to check in with me and ask what I need. Don't assume I am falling apart. Don't assume I need pity. I hope that's helpful and wish your father a full refuah bimhairah byameinu.

(9)
Kendali,
January 10, 2010 6:04 PM

Amazing maturity

Dear friend (I'd love to have a friend like you),
You're the most mature 19 year old I've heard of in many years. I'll be praying for your family, but for now I just want to assure you that your perspective of life will take you further than your ever imagine. There's a significant portion of the Divine inside of you that is blessing us, is blessing youself through these difficult moments and will bless generations to come if you keep surrendering all of you in Almighty hands. Count on my prayers for a total recovery to your father.

(8)
ruth,
January 10, 2010 5:07 PM

this train is bound for glory

You are right. Ultimately we are forced to surrender to a power greater than ourselves, and YES, being angry at God does imply a relationship. I think Dylan Thomas when he wrote "Rage rage against the dying of the light", well that poem was a valid expression for how so many of us do feel, at times of impotence in the face of suffering, of others and of our own.
Ultimately we are forced to our knees. We must surrender to that Higher Power. For me, as for Rigler, in an article above, there is a story that is ours and not ours, and as the hours go by, we realize, in life, that God is running this, the Greatest Show on Earth. And as shown is to shone, we keep shining the light that marks the path for each other.
Thank you for a beautiful piece that is about the heart, and taking heart.

(7)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2010 4:09 PM

Thank you ! This has been one of the most difficult years I have ever had. Your words are true. Thank you for sharing them.

(6)
Rachel,
January 10, 2010 4:09 PM

Fear of G-d = Relationship with G-d

I think what this article doesn't explain is that on is NOT powerless -- one can pray, give chairty, try to work on one's own character traits, etc, or as the Yomim Noraim prayers say Teshuvah,, Tefilah, Tzedakah avert the harst decree. I have always believed this, but having recovered myself froma life-threatening illness, I know that all the good done by others in my merit made all the difference.

(5)
Esther Sarah,
January 10, 2010 4:00 PM

ב"ה b"H inyan: there's something your father can do, if he's not already doing it

Shalom, Sivan, That word is "wringer" (going through the wringer), but there is something your father - only your father himself can do. He should ask himself if maybe he has some debt outstanding (and I do not necessarily mean a financial one). If so, he should then contact the person in question - living or, God forbid dead, and explain why he has not come through and explain how he hopes maybe to make good, and if he can't, then just ask for the other person's understanding. Why do I come up with this? Fairly recently I recovered from a mysterious physical problem by doing just that. Your father's illness - however serious - may be rooted in just such a problem. Another possibility is for him to think of someone he may not have forgiven for something. Either one of these instances - the debt - or the lack of forgiveness - may help. In any case, this internal search will do no harm, and it may even save his life. Good luck. May he have a Refuah shlemah vekrovah, speedy recovery .

(4)
,
January 10, 2010 3:55 PM

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. The acceptance part is the most difficult. Like you, I volly from one stage to another and back again. It has been 7 years since my unexpected loss, so I spend more time in one stage and volly a lot less. Thank you so much for your thoughts and courage.

(3)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2010 3:31 PM

I am fortunately one more who can relate and identify

I can identify with your situation my dear sister in pain.watching sometthing happen that you feel you have no control over whatsoever.On the 1 hand WE have to have faith that whatever does happen or dosent happen is a direct message from GOD and the other hand God wants US to get closer to him, and so we remain UNITED. WERE ALL in the boat TOGETHER. We hope to hear good news and spread our stories of E>S>H> Experience Strength and Hope so that others will recognize thier own abilities toovercome difficulties in life and start paying more attention to the Divine.

(2)
C. J.,
January 10, 2010 3:05 PM

how right you are

Dear Sivan,
I can only sadly, horribly agree with you. My family and I are going through some very rough times right now. Not medically thank g-d but the kind that each day brings more and more painful revelations about the family you once believed to be all right upstanding people. This has been going on for over a year now and has aged us considerably. How little control we have over anything, even the smallest of getures, words, feelings are fraught with sorrow, regret and what could have been done differently. I'm very sorry for you and your family and can only wish you the stregth to get up every day, and be able to talk to Hashem as best you can. I pray for your father's recovery, and a measure of peace for you, us and all of Klal Yisroel during our difficult days.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2010 1:51 PM

wow

sivan-
your writing is amazing(like always)
thisarticlewas so true and couldbe applied in all diffrent circumstances.
i daven every day that your father shouldhave a refuah shelaima!

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!