Kevin Mirallas is trying to force his way into Marco Silva’s plans by putting in a series of good pre-season performances.

The Belgian snake (30) has also been muscling his way onto free-kick duties, and is relishing stealing the next penalty kick, whilst our spineless captain watches on in silence.

The pattern of a handful of decent performances followed by a period of sulking and down-tooling, is of course textbook Mirallas. However, it is not clear this time what his motivation is. Having arrived in Athens to a returning hero’s welcome, only to be chased back to the airport a few months later by a mob of seething Greeks, another dream-move to Olympiakos is no longer on the cards. Whilst Everton themselves are already well-stocked in the non-prolific striker and inconsistent winger departments.

Rumours around Finch Farm suggest that his motivation relates to a wager he is having with the equally ophidian Morgan Schneiderlin.

Thousands of Evertonians are in meltdown over the clubs refusal to replicate last year’s summer transfer policy of signing anyone that they could find for any price that was asked.

The summer outlay of approximately £400m essentially landed Everton Jordan Pickford and an unmanageable wage bill.

Marcel Brands and Marco Silva have been much slower off the mark than previous incumbents Koeman and Walsh. The duo, bizarrely wanting to asses the current squad, and determine, which, if any of the 223 playing staff they want to retain before making any signings.

To outsiders it may seem that Brands has a difficult job on his hands, but with these minor additions to the starting eleven, Everton could easily break back into the Premier League’s Top 6:

GK: PICKFORD
LB: NEW SIGNING
CB: NEW SIGNING
CB: NEW SIGNING
RB: NEW SIGNING
LM: NEW SIGNING
CM: NEW SIGNING
CM: NEW SIGNING
RM: NEW SIGNING
S: NEW SIGNING
S: NEW SIGNING

Wayne Rooney’s year long testimonial came to an end last week as he completed a deal to join MLS side D.C. United on a three and a half year contract.

The year long testimonial was arranged by chairman Bill Kenwright as a thank you for Rooney’s outstanding services to the club. It netted him approximately £8m pounds which he will either donate to his favourite charity or use to pay court injunctions and fines.

Deemed a club legend by assorted print media, Rooney appeared 85 times for the blues and clocked up an astonishing 28 goals, placing him a respectable nowhere on the clubs’ all time appearance and goalscoring charts.

The B&Q store in Speke’s New Mersey Retail Park faces closure following the sale of Ramiro Funes Mori to Villarreal.

Shares in the hardware giant fell rapidly following confirmation of the move, and it is suspected that up to one hundred permanent staff members could lose their jobs.

B&Q employee Barry Venison expressed his disappointment, “Mr Mori would be in here every day buying barbecue equipment by the trolley-load. It didn’t matter what the weather was like – nothing could stop him. He’d often be here, five minutes before we opened – slightly miss-timing it, kissing his loyalty card for no particular reason, with some kind of bun thing on his head – maybe because he liked burgers.”

The Argentinian, who has long expressed a desire to return to his homeland, finally saw his wish granted last week, as he secured a transfer to Villarreal in Spain – moving him at least 400 miles nearer to Buenos Aires.

Premier League fixtures for the 2018/19 season have been leaked ahead of their official release on the 14th June.

In what is now a customary ploy to destabilise the club and ensure the blues don’t break back into the top six, Everton have been handed a typically tough run of fixtures to start the season.

The blues will travel to the Bernabéu on the opening day to face European Champions Real Madrid, before a tough home fixture against Bayern Munich. They return to Spain a week later to take on Ernesto Valverde’s Barcelona, before a testing trip back in time for a game against the 1970 Brazil team at the Maracanã.

The second fixture at Goodison will see Everton take on a World Cup 2018 all-star eleven, whilst fans demand Marco Silva’s well-groomed head.

There are only a handful of days left to get irrationally angry about flags.

In just over a weeks’ time there will be no further opportunities for internal seething at the sight of a flag. Miniature flags on car doors, flags hanging out of windows or on shops or pubs you plan to boycott. Misspelt flags. Flags with failed attempts at humour, badly drawn birds, messages designed to goad, and jokes about chicken. Flags on the houses of people who have suddenly developed an interest in football, and with it a long-held loyalty to a club they know nothing about.

All of these flags, and more – will disappear as quickly as they first appeared. Once this is the case, people are advised that it is then okay to revert to their usual behaviour of needlessly getting annoyed when they see a Liverpool kit on a three year old in ASDA.

Flag-rage season itself will resume when England kick off their World Cup campaign against Tunisia on June 18th.

There is no shame in Allardycing, many clubs have done it before, and many more will too. Make the call, and within days Sam and his crack-team of touchline Sammy and doing something in the stands Craig can be there to help. All it takes is a massive pay check and a short-term contract.

No one said Allardycing is easy. It can be painful to watch and the effects of it can last for years. But together we can pull through. Within a season or two, you can once again be safe in mid-table and playing free-flowing attack minded football.

If you, or any other club you know, need Sam’s help – then reach out today. Make that call. Or bring a brown envelope.

The football media has spent the weekend frothing at the mouth at the sight of a handful of Evertonians not wanting to accept mediocrity. Pundits, journalists, radio phone-in hosts and assorted experts in the world of football (some of whom have managed a football team for a handful of games, but all of which know a lot more about football than you), have extensively watched minutes of Everton highlights to conclude that the fans have no right to accept anything other than mediocrity.

“Everton have no right to try and break the dominance of the current big six,” said seventeen ex-Liverpool players without an agenda. “Who do they think they are – wanting to mix it with historical big-hitters like Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester City? They need to stick with Sam Allardyce. He’s as good as secured 8th place for them, and there’s no reason why he can’t do that again next year.”

It is hard to question their logic. Allardyce has completely turned around the fortunes of the club. When appointed earlier in the season, Everton were languishing thirty points adrift at the foot of the Premiership table, and almost overnight he turned them into the 1970 Brazil team. With a memorable draw away at Swansea, and a shot at home to Newcastle – the expensively assembled blues squad have consistently demolished Champions League standard opposition and stormed from lower mid-table to mid-table under his stewardship.

“There is no team in England who wouldn’t want Sam as their manager,” said another ex-red pundit, whist trying not to laugh, “I think he should be offered a contract extension.”

Everton have issued a ‘Fans Survey’ to help them determine whether to fire manager Sam Allardyce. You would think the decision would be as certain as a Funes Mori barbecue this weekend, but it seems the club are still unsure as to whether or not he should be relieved of his duties at the end of the season.

Allardyce, who has now achieved his two objectives of helping the blues reach 40 points, and ensuring they play turgid anti-football in the process, is still in the Goodison hot-seat. Like a straggler who won’t leave a party, or a relative who won’t go home after Christmas – he is currently overseeing preparations of how to secure a ‘vital point’ at home to Newcastle on Monday night.

Viewed as harsh by some outsiders, the wording of the question in point could have been simplified to:

How would you like to see Sam Allardyce relieved of his duties?

A) Via the telephone . B) Via an email. C) Via a message in a Fortune Pie. D) Why the hell is he still here?

Other questions seemed aimed at ascertaining whether fans were still happy that the club was a rudderless, shambolic, amateurish mess, in complete disarray from board to pitch level. Some examples being:

On a scale of 0-10, with 10 being “ICompletely Agree” and 0 being “I Strongly Agree.” Please rate the following:

It has never been so demoralising or soul destroying to support Everton as it has been this season.

I don’t have faith in the board successfully making their way to Goodison Park on Monday night, never mind taking us to Bramley-Moore in 4 years’ time.

Everton need to pull their finger out and actually employ some people who can SORT OUT THE MESS.

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All articles on this site are a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, incidents and all references to anybody associated to Everton Football Club and the club themselves are made in a fictitious manner.