Infidelity: Why men are unfaithful

Some fellas cheat on wives who are very attractive – even more attractive than they are. Others do it to fill an emotional void created by a current relationship.

For men, cheating is not always just about looks or even just about sex, despite beliefs to the contrary. Men are more complex than often thought. There might be as many reasons for men cheating as there are men, but we can narrow it down to a few basic categories.

Nature

Whether it’s evolutionary, biological, or both, men desire several partners and are more sexually aggressive than women. There is just something compelling about getting as many sexual conquests as possible. This is not a good excuse for cheating though; even nature’s force can be resisted sometimes.

Variety

It is unfortunate, but some fellas do not want to eat the same pudding. They want to sample other dishes, even while they eat some pudding in between. To them, it’s just part of a balanced diet. Women should be extremely wary of these variety cheaters; they’ll cheat even if you’re doing everything right.

Weakness

Some men get tested; some are tested more than others. I know a guy who toys with women whom he does not consider attractive. The buffoon even claimed that he’s strong because he “resists temptation.” But what if a woman he considered attractive tried to cripple down his untested defences? Women deal with this better than males do; after all, they’re tested regularly. In a few cases, men simply fail a temptation test that they are not familiar with and cheat.

Thrills

Remember when you weren’t supposed chew gum in class, but you had to have the Tutti Frutti? Well, the thrill of cheating is something like that – except that it’d take plenty Tutti Frutti to match it. Some men get a high from the spliff of infidelit; it’s dangerous, fun and forbidden. Avoiding detection also adds some excitement to the game – until discovery ends the thrill.

Problems with the relationship

Issues with the current relationship can motivate a guy to seek solace in the arms of another woman. Perhaps the wife or girlfriend does not seem adventurous enough. The problem could even be outside of the bedroom – some emotional disconnect or void. Persons tend to underestimate the emotional motivation for cheating. A man feels inadequate or misunderstood in his relationship is especially susceptible to an available, enterprising woman.

Ego

Some fellas cheat because it makes them feel useful and desirable; it builds their ego. Even when that ego is massive, they want to share it with others. For some, it is therapeutic – a way to counteract verbal abuse with a relationship. Be warned though. Even though their wives might think the world of them, there are fellas who just want their own female fan club.

They can separate sex from emotions

Some men do it better than others, but males are generally better at separating sex from emotion compared to females. To this group of male cheaters, sex is in LA and their emotions are in New York City. The distance helps them to both deal with their guilt and justify their actions.

Women sometimes let men get away with cheating for various reasons. When they give the dog another bone, they may not make it clear that it’s their last bone, or they aren’t taken seriously. A few fellas truly make an earnest effort when given a second chance; repeat offenders feel that they can squeeze another one.

There is no single profile of a male cheater, so to say that men cheat because they are dogs does not fully address the issue. However, once women don’t tie themselves up with men who like variety, lots of options and plenty ego-stroking, the possibility of infidelity is much lower.

More on why men cheat...

While there are books that have explored the feelings and experiences of wives whose husbands have been unfaithful, the question of why men cheat and whether it is because of sexual dissatisfaction, emotional dissatisfaction, or something else has remained largely unexamined. At last, The Truth About Cheating presents many fascinating and provocative answers.

In Why Did He Cheat on Me?, bestselling author and infidelity expert Rona Subotnik helps you understand what drives men to be unfaithful--and what you can do about it. From the first telltale sign to rebuilding trust, marriage counselor Subotnik takes you through the sometimes painful, always challenging process of dealing with infidelity.

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Comments 4 comments

You have left out one important reason. Society accepts the nonsense that a man is just going to cheat, as fact. They are not looked down on or treated in a negative way. As a matter of fact, men tend to pat each other on the back and "celebrate" when their buds score another conquest.

On the other side of the coin, women are scorned, looked down on, called names and, in many cases, ostracized from family and community.

Women have very strong sex drives too, it’s just that there has always been a double standard for men.

SpiffyD 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Hi Kim,

Thanks for you comment. I'm not sure that a man would say he cheats because of societies double standards. That affects how his action is judged, but I don't think it's a significant motivator for the individual cheater - just an excuse that some men (and women who excuse their behaviour) use.

Some women have higher sex drives than some guys, but nature has a great influence on sexual behaviour. In any event, the "acceptance" issue is covered by the last point. It's easy to talk about "society" in a general way, but there are many men who would not pat other men on the back for doing that. I'm one of them, and there are others. Instead of blaming poor society again, I tried to be more specific - women who accept and excuse this behaviour directly.

dashingscorpio 5 years ago

You pretty much listed all of them.

I suppose "weakness" includes those guys who have women throwing themselves at them. (ie sports figures, rock stars, movie stars, super wealthy, famous, and powerful people. It must put a lot of pressure on their mates. Imagine Angelina Jolie having a fight with Brad Pitt knowing the moment he walks out that door angry there are millions of women waiting to comfort him as Luther Vandross once said, "If only for one night." Having lots of "options" when one is upset can lead to regrets.

With regard to miss_jkim comment - A "double standard" only exists when both sexes agree on something. If women admired other women who slept around there would be no "double standard" It takes both sexes to dislike something for it to be "double". Men who sleep around don't care what (women) think! Women for the most part worry about what men think about them.

On the other hand we have a "double standard" with regard to domestic violence. Both sexes say "A man should NEVER place his hands on a woman". However lots of people think it's ok for a woman to hit or slap a man if he say something that offends her, gets caught cheating, ignores her or has hurt her in some way. You see women hitting men all the time on "reality shows" such as "Maury Povich" and "Cheaters". Rarely if ever do you see a man hitting a woman on these shows when they learn they have been supporting a child that's not theirs or the woman has slept with his friends..etc

If men called 911 every time women hit them FIRST the jails would be full! Both women and men would call those guys wimps. In fact our society does not provide shelters for men that are victims of domestic violence.

SpiffyD 5 years ago from The Caribbean Author

I particularly enjoyed your comment on the double standard. Men who sleep around really have a different standard and a different code indeed. It's almost like a subculture. They're like outlaws - not caring about what the "establishment" thinks. In this case, they would reject what men and women who advocate fidelity say. There are women who'd do the same.