Yinz goin ta Pittsburgh? Well, that’s your call, and I won’t judge you for it. Actually, I’m going too, so I thought I’d assemble a quick primer on the Steel City. I consulted my buddy Kenny, who matriculated at University of Pittsburgh, and my former ladyfriend eBagel, who attended pretty much every other school in the city. They advised me on the history of the city, some sights and sounds, and where to get properly sauced up before the game. Readers, please print this article out and stuff it in your fanny pack while travelling the Pitt-y wilds. It’s an untamed land full of hooligans and ne’er-do-wells, cutpurses and castrati, Pensbloggers and Super Swamper Boggers, and– of course– the ever-swelling army of Max Talbot’s illegitimate children. Let’s jump on in.

Pittsburgh Fast Facts!

Pittsburgh was first settled in 1983 by the occupants of a Bon Jovi roadie van that blew a tire on the turnpike.

Pittsburgh’s main export is gristle.

Since the collapse of the big steel, Pittsburgh has been supported by the atherosclerotic plaque industry.

Beer can be purchased only from distributors. Liquor and wine are sold elsewhere.

If you request transportation to Heinz Field, the correct phrasing would be: “can you ride me to Heinz?” Transitive verbs hold no meaning within city limits.

Avoid people like this at all costs. (Illustration by Rachel Cohen)

Touristy stuff

The Incline
Built in the 1870’s, these cable cars will give you a lovely aerial view of urban decay. Keep an eye out for the tire fires illuminating the cityscape.

The South SideDense with bars and college students, the south side also hosts the Beehive, a hipster-friendly coffee place where the only thing blacker than the coffee is the horn rims on your oversize, prescription-less reading glasses.

Alright, this is obviously a desperately incomplete list. Do you have any recommendations to share? Got any plans for a meet-up or a tailgate party? Do you know the map point to a slamming warehouse party? Please put ‘em in the comments. We’ll all be in enemy territory, so solidarity is necessary to our shared survival.

If you’re in Pittsburgh and would like to buy me a beer or three, hit me up via the Twitters: @peterhassett.

Bites & Brews, also in Shadyside – a la cart style pizzas, sammies, and salads. Half price small pizza and a dollar off suds during happy hour.

LuLu’s, in Oakland – good Asian fare.

Peter Hassett

Awesome, @Darb! Thanks.

http://capssnaps.com Chris

You are still going with cracked ribs compounded by a cough? A true warrior, Peter.

Darb

No prob, Peter!

A note on beer: while cases must be purchased from a distributor, some bars will let you buy a six pack to go. Note these will be at bar prices, though. D’s is a good example of a bar that allows this.

Manda

A sidenote to be mindful of traffic coming in. Construction and traffic seem to be ever-present like any true blue collar town.

McKinley

Primanti Brothers is greasy awful. Go to “The Original” on Forbes for great hot dogs and fries (small order is more than enough for 2-3 people). If that doesn’t cut it for you, Five Guys is next door. Also, the Dunkin’ Donuts just down the street may have the freshest donuts in the franchise.

Wes

Any word on a pregame/delay of game bar?

J.P.

To clarify a little further on Darb’s observation: distributors sell beer by the case, only. They also sell those overly sweet malt beverage drinks (Bacardi Breezers, etc) by the case. Why you’d wanna drink that stuff is beyond my ability to figure out, but it’s available if yinz’s tastebuds are beyond salvaging.

You may purchase more than one six-pack from a bar, but you generally are required to purchase and carry out each sale as a single transaction. Thus if you need 3 six-packs of beer, it’ll require three purchases and three trips out the door. Yeah, it’s stupid, but PA’s got an archaic and byzantine process for alcohol buying and don’t expect it to change anytime soon, as all of the players involved are happy with their grips on their respective markets.

Wine and liquor need to be purchased through a “State store” and prices are actually good. Pennsylvania’s ability to buy in bulk for an entire State store system generally leads to consumer-friendly prices.

Sacrilege! Primanti Bros is 10 times better than the O. The O is possibly the grossest “restaurant” in the city. I have seen a homeless man passed out on the floor of the mens room with his head leaning against the urinal! On a side not, the fries are good when your drunk.