Undercover songwriter with a potty mouth

I'm back from a whirlwind wedding weekend in The Tang. A lot of stuff happened in a very short amount of time, so I'll try to condense it by picking out the most memorable bits.

Perhaps most memorable is the fact that we got lost on our way up there. Oddly enough, we seemed to have gotten lost because we were over-prepared. We had the directions from my cousin, we had a big map, and we had a GPS system we borrowed from the in-laws. You'd think this would ensure that we would be incapable of taking a wrong turn, but we like to stretch the limits of stupidity every now and then.

My BH and I reached one of many small towns a few hours in, and according to my cousin's instructions, we were supposed to go straight through to the next town. However, as I was driving through, the GPS system said "TURN RIGHT HERE" in its creepy machine voice. I pulled over, and we consulted the map. We eventually determined that our three navigators were all telling us to go in different directions, so we decided to trust the machine and take the right turn.

Boo.

An hour or two later, we were lost somewhere in the Haliburtons, trying desperately to get cell phone reception to call our relatives. They figured out where we were, and talked us back onto the correct highway. We arrived at the wedding fifteen minutes before it started instead of our planned two or three hour grace period. Since we were cutting it close, we changed in the parking lot behind our car. (Afterwards I noticed that the entire church had windows facing the parking lot and realized that I had flashed a room full of devout Catholics.) (This is totally something I would do.) (I was surprisingly cool with the whole thing.)

The ceremony was lovely, and I was thrilled to see that I had been seated next to my Communist Aunt. This meant that even if the ceremony was dry, I would still be entertained. My theory was correct. The priest was chatting away about how something or other was the word of God, and she leaned in, cocked an eyebrow and said, "It sounds more like the word of a horny old man to me." Thank you, Communist Aunt. A solid observation.

Later in the ceremony, she looked lost in thought. I figured she was reflecting on the beauty of the wedding or something, but obviously I was just being naive. She turned to me, and out of nowhere said, "You know, we would all be great grandparents by now if all you kids would have started having babies earlier. What the hell are you waiting for, anyway? Get busy!" (Perhaps this is just the Communist Aunt version of 'so when are you having kids?')

I was a little speechless at that one. My BH was giggling beside me. Once I regained my composure, I leaned in with a wink and said "It's not for lack of practice, aunty."

The rest of the evening was standard wedding fun. There was a buffet, cupcakes, an open bar, and more cupcakes. We partied with our relatives and listened to people tell embarrassing stories about the bride and groom. Eventually we headed back to our Super 8 hotel and passed out on the cheap polyester comforters. Because we had two Queen-sized beds, my BH insisted on sleeping alone so he could "sleep all stretched out like a star fish." It made no difference to me, because I swear I was asleep before I hit the pillow.

Since we left little Morty at home with our dear friend to look after him, we had to leave The Tang at noon the next day to get back in decent time. After a greasy breakfast and a five minute walk through the entire Tang downtown, we were off. It was a lovely ride home, and we stopped at a few antique places along the way. I bought an antique washboard! It will double as art as well as a musical instrument.

And that's about it. One wedding down, and one more to go. Woot!

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Did I ever tell you my great aunt played the wah board? Her senior's band got a gig playing on a cruise ship, she fell in love with a bell hop who was 28 years her junior - they toured the world...she was the greatest!