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Sunday, August 31, 2014

I turned 24 back in early July and haven't had time to blog yet. Here are 24 random thoughts I have on just about anything. Enjoy

1. Let's get the sad one out of the way first. It sucks about Robin Williams. I don't want to get all depressing here to kick things off, but he is certainly going to be missed. What amazed me the most after the news broke is how many different movies people mentioned calling their favorite of his. Most movie stars are usually mostly known for one work, but certainly not Robin Williams. I'm missing a bunch here but off the top of my head I remember people on Twitter/Facebook mentioning Jumanji, Flubber, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, Aladdin, Hook, Mrs. Doubtfire and Patch Adams. The world is a less funny place without Robin Williams.

2. The Ice Bucket Challenge took over the planet for a few weeks recently. Pretty interesting seeing all these celebs calling each other out and getting involved. In one of the more bizarre callouts, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon called out Kermit the Frog, and somehow that actually took place. What I love about the ice bucket challenge is the assholes on social media who post things like "uhhhh u kno dat dumpin a bucket of ice on ur head doesn't do nothing, right?" How the hell you can be ignorant to the fact that the donation is involved is mind blowing to me. I was nominated a few weeks ago, and haven't done it yet (I know, I know) but my plan is to bring it back around in maybe 3 years and just call out a bunch of random people who I don't know why I'm friends with on Facebook. Can't go wrong, right? I mean after all, it's for charity.

3. I need to voice my opinion on something. Ladies: stop wearing those goddamn rompers. Why do you want to wear something that is mostly associated with toddlers? It's kind of weird. When I see a girl in a romper I want to throw up. They're not really attracted. They are awkward looking. At the very least can they just have a different name than a 'romper'? I don't want to associate you with goddamn Tommy Pickles when I see you struttin' yourself on some highend fancy street in a major North American city. Get with it. Even Kate Upton can't look good in a romper.

Nice PJ's ya slob.

4. So there are rumors of a Laguna Beach 10 year high school reunion special in the works, yet it seems that basically no one are interested in this. For the love of everything that is sacred, don't let this happen. MTV will be giving the world it's most desperate cry for help yet if they make this happen. I really don't mind most of the cast, but Heidi and Spencer make me want to go play in traffic. Don't let these idiots get any more minutes of fame than they already had. That being said, it would be really easy for them to play the "I wonder what they've been up to" game that people do at reunions. "I heard Heidi got some work done" will be the understatement of the century on that night.

5. Remember that band Jet? Like, the 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl?' and 'Cold Hard Bitch' guys? What the hell happened to them? They should come back. Get an opening slot for the Arctic Monkeys on their next tour, play the hits and get back into the groove of things. They were too good to go away, especially when the world needs more actual musicians instead of shitty pop acts who don't even have to sing themselves to sell records to a bunch of idiots who don't understand what good music really is.

6. Speaking of which, time to rant about MTV. The final dagger in MTV's claim that they still care about music was at the VMA's last week when Lorde won best rock video. Lorde is not rock. She is pop. Just because she wears dark clothing, desperately needs a tan and looks bored does not make it 'rock'. This is a fucking travesty in my opinion. The fact that the Arctic Monkeys or Black Keys did not win this award is preposterous. I would've been okay with Imagine Dragons even winning! Okay, Linkin Park was somehow nominated too. I think I would rather take Lorde over Linkin Park but anyways, this is not okay. I don't mind Lorde at all as a performer. I actually like her more than most of the other idiots who are famous right now (lookin' at you Miley Cyrus you talentless wench), but she should never have been nominated for rock. Somewhere out there, members of Guns 'N Roses, Motley Crue and Van Halen are weeping at what has become of their beloved 'Best Rock Video' category. MTV, you suck.

Ohhhh I get it. Lorde Voldemort!!!!!

7. JK Rowling gave billions of her fans a surprise by releasing a short story under the guise of hated reporter Rita Skeeter about what Harry and his magical pals have been up to at a Quidditch tournament or something like that. Nerds everywhere hyperventilated thinking this might lead to more stories, but let's all agree that after 7 books, things are pretty much wrapped up. Unless JK Rowling blows all her earnings on drugs and gambling debts and desperately needs some cash, I highly doubt we will get anymore wizardry from her. Plus, how many fake words are left for her to use as spells? It's a shame she didn't use 'tweet' as a spell that makes people give their opinions when no one else wants to hear it.

8. Is the chick from the Wendy's commercials hot or not? I have been debating this for a while now. What do you guys think? I might have to make this into a full length blog. Also, bad choice naming her 'Red'. I think I speak for us all when the only person named Red that matters is Red Forman from That 70's Show fame.

9. I hope the Beyonce and Jay-Z divorce rumors are true. Finally the world will see that Beyonce isn't, in fact, perfect. She bugs me. I've seen her Super Bowl halftime show and the majority of her VMA performance, and I honestly think people just like her because they believe the hype. They don't want to be 'different' by being realistic and saying "eh she's okay" or "it was alright" or even "it was pretty good!". Our society has this fucked up notion that everything she does is like some sort of law. And don't even get me started on Blue Ivy. She's a baby. Get over it. We were all babies at once too. Katy Perry never tweeted about me waving to her when I was 3 years old or whatever. Wait, am I younger than Katy Perry? Hang on, I gotta look into this.

10. I'm sick of Shark Week. It was kind of funny the first 2-3 years it was held, but it's a bit much now. There can only be so many sharkumentaries (that was pretty good, wasn't it?) made, and making more Sharknado movies certainly isn't going to help. Sharknado 2 was made solely because the first one was so ridiculously bad that people watched it in hopes of seeing a trainwreck, which they did. This is like the movie equivalent of when everyone picks the weirdo reclusive kid in high school to be prom king. Sharks aren't that exciting to me. If I see one up close and personal, it'll probably be the last thing I see. Ever.

11. Here are my top 5 favorite flags of all time: 5. Canada

It just works.

4. California

Look a bear.

3. South Carolina

Scenic.

2. Rhode Island

Hope as a motto? Kinda ironic.

1. United States of America.

America!

Would anything even come closet to topping that 1-2 punch of the US and RI? No chance in hell.

12. I like wrestling and will be started a wrestling blog in the near future. This officially means that I have stopped trying at life.

13. This is a music video for a song called 'Cheap Beer' by a band called FIDLAR (Fuck it dog, life's a risk). It is entertaining and is what a music video should be:

14. This is a music video for a song called "Shake It Off" by a singer named Taylor Swift. It sucks and is a blatant ripoff. It is uncreative and the song is annoying as all hell and I will save it for a video breakdown at some point in the near future:

15. Actress Megan Fox has a pretty strange career. She is only good in reboots. Think about it, her most marketed feature film that wasn't a reboot was Jennifer's Body, which didn't do so hot. She also starred in Transformers and the newly released Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, which have done very well respectively. Is there anyone else out there who can say the same about being successful in two different reboot franchises? Anyone who can think of another person, let me know and I will gladly pay for a drink of your choosing. If Megan Fox could just go out there and buy herself a personality I think she would be a much bigger star, even without being in the inevitable Back to the Future or Breakfast Club reboot.

16. There is one pretty big band out there who I want to call out: MGMT. I have decided that you guys are assholes. You come out on the scene with a huge album with 3 hugely popular singles (Time to Pretend, Electric Feel, Kids) and make it big. You go on tour and the world finds out your quirky and such, which is okay since you make good music. Your second album, Congratulations, comes out and people buy it thinking it'd be good, and maybe half of it is, being generous. You guys went weirder with that album, but there are some okay songs on it, so all is forgiven, maybe even chalked up to a sophomore slump. Then your 3rd album comes out and it's absolute weird garbage. You stop playing 'Kids' at your shows even though everyone there chants for it at the end of each show/encore, but you guys are too cool to play it. Not only that, you hardly interact with your fans and your shows are disappointing, which I learned at Lupo's in Providence about a year ago. Also, you guys are such hipster douches that when your 3rd album 'MGMT' came out, you decided to celebrate Record Store Day by not releasing the vinyl version of your album, but you released your first single 'Alien Days' on CASSETTE. CASSETTE TAPES. NOT EVEN HIPSTERS LIKE CASSETTE TAPES! THEY SUCK! AT LEAST VINYL HAS BEEN PROVEN TO SOUND BETTER THAN AUDIO AND IT'S COOL HAVING A PHYSICAL RECORD AND ARTWORK YOU CAN FRAME AND STUFF LIKE THAT. CASSETTES WERE AWFUL TO BEGIN WITH AND THERE IS A REASON WE DON'T USE THEM. You guys suck. Stop being overly weird, make some good music, play your hits at concerts and be thankful you're even somewhat relevant still.

17. In what was probably the most girly fight between two dudes ever, Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber got into a scrum at some club or something. This is the only time that I would root for Orlando Bloom in anything. The only fight I would spend money on to order on Pay-Per-View would be this battle, with the loser guaranteed to go back to their country and stay there for good.

No one wins, or we all win?

18. Singer Lana Del Rey admitted that she basically slept with people to get to the top of the music industry, which I'm sure thrilled the top executives at her record label. Lana Del Rey might be able to sing well enough, but she is such a fraud it's unreal. I hate how she went for her retro Hollywood glamour look when she first started and was shrouded in secrecy, only until she was found to be a rich LA kid who always got money from her Daddy and I'm guessing got bored and gave singing a try. Then she got in trouble by saying that she wishes she were dead like Kurt Cobain, which pissed off a lot of people, including Kurt Cobain's daughter. Now that she's top level famous she decides to just admit that sleeps with people to get ahead in life? Must be nice. Lana Del Rey embraces the seedy part of music deals and just proves that hard work doesn't always pay off, just being hot and easy does. What a country. UPDATE: It has been pointed out to me that I guess Lana Del Rey grew up in Connecticut, meaning she's even faker than I thought.

19. I enjoy me some good ol' fashioned obstacle course TV shows. If you remember a few years back, Spike would show Most Extreme Elimination Challenge which took some insane Japanese obstacle course show and they dubbed over the voices with ridiculous and actually funny dialogue. Besides the humor, it was an entertaining show with absurd courses. One new show along these lines is Stone Cold Steve Austin's Broken Skull Ranch. Basically Stone Cold owns some huge ranch in Texas and developed an obstacle course that guys who love Crossfit drool over. It may not be as funny as MXC but it's so nice to listen to one of my idols smacktalkin' these people as they climb over rocks and up hills and such. There's no one quite like Stone Cold Steve Austin and whoever came up with the premise for this show is a genius.

20. Jesse Lacey, frontman for Brand New is trying too hard to be this generations Morrissey. Obviously, Jesse is not cheery person. If he were then Brand New would never have become famous for heartfelt songs about girls treating him cruelly and friends backstabbing him. This being said though, Jesse needs to cheer up. I saw Brand New open for Modest Mouse in Queens at some ping-pong stadium a few weeks ago and Jesse Lacey was depressing on stage. Weirdly interacting with the crowd who showed so much love and support for the band. It's like he just doesn't care at all, even at what should be a hometown show for the Long Island native. As most people familiar with the band know, their first real hit was Seventy Times 7 from the first album. It resonates with fans and hits the angsty strings in peoples minds and hearts, and it is one of the most beloved songs from the emo movement of the early 00's. After playing Seventy Times 7 at this show (they don't always play this song at shows, by the way) he muttered on his microphone something along the lines of "Thank God that song is over with". I am a huge fan of his, but shut up Jesse. That song made you guys. Don't complain about something that got you huge. Seriously, with some of the mediocre setlists you give your longtime fans, that 4 minutes of 70x7 was the highlight for many people. Cheer up and work on that damn 5th album. It's been 5 years since Daisy came out, and we all know that that album was a huge flop.

21. So the longtime voice of Saturday Night Live passed away recently. Don Pardo was the guy behind the introduction of the cast before each show along with various cameos in skits and such, and he had one of the most distinctive voices on TV. In fact, he is in my top 5 of distinctive voices, along with the AOL 'You've Got Mail' Guy, the guy who does the Monster Jam commercials (SUNDAY, SUNDAY SUNDAAAY!), H. John Benjamin who voices Sterling Archer on...well, Archer, and the Moviefone directory guy.

22. Somehow, Limp Bizkit is playing Boston this fall. Even more amazing is the fact that Fred Durst and Co. are charging 50$+ for tickets. Are you serious? The Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog Flavored Water came out about 14 years ago, and you haven't done anything good since. You ruined a perfectly good song by The Who when you "covered" Behind Blue Eyes and had Halle Berry in the video for it (that is so early 00's it's not even funny), and even that happened about 12 years ago. This being said, I may look into going to this show, because the 11 year old me would be begging my poor mother for permission to go to this show. Imagine the crowd of people this show would attract? So many degenerates. Also, who is opening up for them? Korn? Disturbed? So many washed up rap-rock groups are probably available for this position.

Keep on rollin'

23. It has been reported that the NFL wants performers to pay up to be the halftime show at the Super Bowl, which has disaster written all over it. First of all, this will definitely not help the Super Bowl get any good acts. I don't even know who the last good Super Bowl halftime show was, maybe U2 back in 01? Most people disappoint and the added stipulation of giving up a portion of the performer's earnings on the following tour just means that we'll get someone lame like Coldplay this year and then probably Katy Perry and then Rihanna, because they can afford it. Leave it to the NFL to take a thing like paying performers to show up and turn it around by having performers pay them to play. This crushes my dream of ever having Carly Rae Jepsen play the Super Bowl :-/ thanks a lot NFL. Greedy bastards.

24. I find it utterly amazing that I did a joke interview with a friend on the topic of wigs and it has gained 58,000+ views since April and is my most read blogpost by far. I don't know what that says about the world today, but I'll take it.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

The NBA Draft is upon us. Normally, I don't really care (see previous blogpost), but this year is completely different. First of all, as a Celtics fan, I have a lot riding on this for the future of the team. More importantly, dear friend and now official Breakfast at Jimothy's NBA Insider 'Dapper' Dan Allen is in attendance at the actual draft in New York City. I need to take full on advantage of this, so every few minutes or so I will get word from Dapper Dan on what's going on at the event. Check back every few minutes or so to get the inside scoop. Now let's get to the action!

The Way There (5:58 pm)
Dapper Dan- First insight: met my cousin in NYC. Got a cab. Cab was pulled over. Meter kept running.
JK- No way. Great start. Let me knows the situation when it comes time to pay
DD- Already paid. $1 tip.

Countdown to the Draft
JK-Are you surrounded by any interesting characters?
DD-Every jersey ever. Like bonnaroo.
JK-Can I get some highlights?
DD-Carter-Williams everywhere. Montage of the last rookie class. Tim Hardaway Jr. got a rousing applause.
DD- Isaiah Thomas got HUGE bios.
DD-Boos.
DD-I'm drinking.
JK- Fantastic. Before it starts who is going number 1 and who do the Celtics take at #6?
DD- Wiggins one. (Aaron) Gordon or Joel Embiid for Boston.
DD- But TRAdes
DD- TRADES
DD- ANARCHY

DD-more broads than you'd expect here.
JK- That's interesting.
DD-CLEVELAND SUCKS rains down from the rafters!
JK-It really does!!!
DD- Cleveland will blow this pick btw
JK-I think odds are better that it will be a bust. Typical Cleveland. That place stinks. I hope Clevelands pick walks out on stage and does the Johnny football money gesture.Andrew Wiggins goes #1 to Cleveland
DD-Wiggins is Canadian.
DD-Crowd supported him.
JK-What kind of America is this!?Jabari Parker goes #2 to Milwaukee
DD-My seats are so cheap that Philly is everywhere
JK- That's never a good sign. How about Parker going to the wasteland that is Milwaukee?

Joel Embiid goes #3 to Philly
JK-That look on Embiid's face during his name getting called really sums up anyone getting news that they have to go to Philly.
DD- Parker wanted that. Hour from his hometown.
DD- I'm hoping Embiid wasn't live
JK- Maybe he just doesn't like cheesesteak

Marcus Smart goes #6 to Boston
DD- I'm so mad if rondo is gone
JK-Holy smokes. How do you like that pick? I was thinking (Julius) Randle
DD- Anti randle.
DD-I hope he can play with Rubio in Minnesota!
DD-Burn.
JK- Do you think smart's glasses are real or hipster fake?
DD- Fake.

At this point, Dapper Dan has either had too many Coors Lights or his phone died or he is just too enthused in the draft to text me. Some thoughts to consider: What the hell kind of a name is Elfrid? I don't watch it, but if you were to ask me "Is Elfrid an NBA prospect's first name or a character on Game of Thrones?" I totally would've said Game of Thrones without hesitating. I do like his hair, by the way. As for Dougie McBuckets going to Denver, all I have to say is that thanks to my beloved Providence Friars, he'll be going there without a Big East title. Take that, sucka.

Philly? Grrrrrrrreaaaaat.

Doug McDermott has been traded to Chicago

That was fast.

Dario Saric goes #12 to Orlando
Obviously the Croatian guy has a purple bow-tie. This guy looks like a real doofus. I know Dapper Dan wanted him for the Celtic's but he doesn't do it for me. On a side note, does anyone else think that Commissioner Silver looks like a cartoon character? He has very mouselike qualities about him. Maybe the ears? He almost reminds me of a human pencil for some reason. Minnesota is up next.

Zach LaVine goes #13 to Minnesota
As someone who can't grow a decent looking beard, even I have to say that this kid can't grow facial hair. Geez. Looks about 12 if it weren't for the fact he's 6'8 or whatever. I already don't like him because he wears high socks while playing basketball. That's not good. Might as well toss on some short shorts and go full on early 70's style.
I also like these Footlocker/Adidas commercials with Dante Exum. Strange listening to an Australian accent when the conversation is about sneakers. He's kinda funny. Also, somewhat worried about Dapper Dan. Maybe he got thrown out for having too much fun? Kinda concerning.

TJ Warren goes #14 to Phoenix
I will not even pretend that I know anything about TJ Warren. I was kinda banking on Dapper Dan to be the wealth of knowledge as my correspondent. Maybe he has gone rogue and is attempting to go backstage for interviews? I give this Warren fella credit, that is a pretty boss looking black and pink pinstripe shirt he has on. Very impressive.

Adreian Payne goes #15 to Atlanta
We now have Krazy Kyle Towne reporting as my new NBA Draft correspondent. Please welcome him with open arms.

KT- Kyle here, reporting live from the Sully Cave
JK- Kyle, thank you for joining the B@J NBA Draft reporting team. What's the atmosphere like in the Sully Cave?
KT-Pretty low-key right now. We were pretty upset after having Embiid, Gordon and Exum all taken from our grasp. But things are looking up. We are really holding out hope for GARY

Come to the Celtics!!!

JK- Is Gary the snail the most famous Gary of all time in your opinion?
KT-The Dante Exum commercials are spawt-on, but are really putting salt in the wound for us Celtics fans. We were one pick away. No Gary Busey is number one. Then he probably falls somewhere between Gary Coleman and Gary Payton.
JK- Riveting stuff right there. Chicago is up next, who do you have them taking right now?
KT- Well I believe this pick is going to Denver if I'm not mistaken, in the Doug McDermott trade. If it is Chicago, they'll take Tyler Ennis. If it's Denver, I'm saying Gary Harris, and more heartbreak for Sully and me.
JK-Geez. I can't trust anything on tv anymore.

Jusuf Nurkic goes #16 to Chicago/Denver
JK- What the hell did he just say?
KT- That guys is gonna love the legal edibles in Denver.
JK- Eat 'em if ya got 'em, am I right?
KT- Won't be shocked if the C's moved down to pick up a second round pick. But the real hope is for GARY HARRIS.
JK-Can we trust someone named Gary who was born in the 90's?

James Young goes #17 to Boston
JK-WUT
KT-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
KT-Celtics WILL regret that pick
JK-That is such a let down. Think it'll be part of a trade?
KT- We can only hope. That guy has the worst hair I think I've ever seen.
KT-We must now brace ourselves for the apundance of bad jokes heading our way with prospects named Smart and Young.
JK-Ugh. This isn't good.
KT-Jeez, they just had to put the draft on #tbt

Tyler Ennis goes #18 to Phoenix
JK-Tyler Ennis just looks good in orange

Gary Harris goes #19 to Chicago/Denver
KT-Right team, wrong pick. Knew he'd end up in Denver somehow.
JK-Hey so would you rather fight 1 horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses?
KT-I have chosen 100 duck sized horses and I will stick with that decision despite how many good arguments are made for the other side.
JK-Interesting. It's good that you refuse to change your mind.
KT-Yeah, the more I argue about it the deeper entrenched I get in my original opinion.
JK-So Toronto is up next. Toronto is up in Canada.
KT-They sure are, and boy could we care less.

KT-I would really like them to take Shabazz Napier, purely because I don't want him to land in Miami. Like that kid, and I wouldn't wish LeBron on my worst enemy. But that means I wouldn't wish LeBron on LeBron…..LeBronception?
JK-Geez Louise that is a scary thought

Bruno Caboclo goes #20 to Toronto
JK-Bruno? What the fuck
KT-Bill Simmons couldn't have said it better. "What just happened?"
JK-"He doesn't really know how to play yet" isn't something you want to hear about a kid that just got drafted at #20
KT-Idiotic. Toronto has World Cup fever.
KT-Shabazz to OKC would be awesome
JK-Yeah they probably would love to fuck over LeBron and the Heat. This would be great.

Mitch McGary goes #21 to Oklahoma City
KT-Think Like A Man Too is the #1 movie in America. Let's let that sink in.
JK-You know, maybe Canada isn't so bad after all.
JK-So Mitch McGary fails a drug test, goes to the draft instead of serving a suspension, and now gets drafted and rich. Only in America.
KT-Gotta love it. Also gotta love a guy named Bogdan Bogdanovic.

JK-Holy shit. Imagine that. A Len Bias Celtics jersey. A Celtics jersey of a player who died the day after we drafted him. That's pretty damn impressive.Jordan Adams goes #22 to Memphis
JK-Dan just sent me a pic of a Len Bias jersey at the draft
KT-Jeez. Just poured out a full beer.

Rodney Hood goes #23 to Utah
JK-How'd the crowd at the Sully Cave respond to Rodney Hood getting drafted to the Mormons in Utah?
KT- We are so jealous of those idiots.
JK- And with good reason.
KT-Give me Exum and Hood over Smart/Young any day. Making out like bandits. But hey, they are the fluffiest organization in sports. They are just…there…and always will be. They will never amount to anything.
JK-Are Exum and Hood the next Stockton/Malone? Should Exum wear short shorts?

Shabazz Napier goes #24 to Charlotte
KT-Kemba and Shabazz!
JK-Reunited and it feels so good! Get on the Hornets bandwagon!

Shabazz Napier rumored to be traded Miami
JK-Oh shit.
KT- Sweet shit. It was destiny.
JK-So much for the Uconn reunion. Shabazz is gonna develop a serious coke problem in Miami now.

Clint Capela goes #25 to Houston
JK- Oh. Clint.
KT- Sup Clint.
KT-I hate seeing LeBron happy.
JK-See that's why I love sports and pop culture. Neither of us are ever going to meet LeBron James, but we both want him to be miserable.
KT- Just another reason to love this country.
KT- And on that note, bring on those waffle eating idiots! USA! USA! USA!
JK- Yeah man! Fuck Belgium! They're good for nothing!

PJ Hairston goes #26 to Miami.
JK-So Doug McDermott goes to Denver?
KT-Nope. They were just confirming the trade from earlier. Dougie McNugbutts will be joining Anthony Randolph on a one way flight to Chicago, Ill.
JK-Oh. I thought its as a 2nd trade.
KT-Nuggets get Gary Harris (the guy they probably would've taken at 11), Jusuf Nurkic, and 2015 2nd rounder from Chi city. Great trade for Denver. Good work.
JK-And great work from my correspondent at the Sully Cave on explaining that trade!

Bogdan Bogdanovic goes #27 to Phoenix
KT- BOGDAN BOGDANOVIC! DREAMS COME TRUE
KT-Goran Dragic's new besty
JK- When will you be ordering that jersey? Hopefully in the retro 90's edition
KT-Yeah I want a Barkley-era Bogdanovic

JK-'Your Love' by the Outfield and 'She Drives Me Crazy' by Fine Young Cannibals just came on shuffle back to back. What a night.
KT- Sully just brought up a great point about the Williams sisters. Where does one play tennis in Compton?
JK- Wow. No clue. Can we confirm it's THE Compton in California?

CJ Wilcox goes #28 to the Los Angeles Clippers
KT-So Venus is from Compton, CA…and Serena is from Saginaw, MI. Lynwood, CA to be specific.
JK-How the hell is that possible? One sister grew up in Compton and one in Saginaw? Did they meet at summer camp like in the Parent Trap?
KT- That's the only explanation that makes any sense.

Dapper Dan breaks his silence:
DD- One of the last B@J updates is that everyone has a fucking shirt but no one has anything to say.
JK-What do you mean?
DD- Literally you see a person in an obscure player and ask about the reparative pick and they can't opine.
JK-So it's like a bunch of fake hipsters who don't know what they're wearing but they do it to not be mainstream?

Josh Huestis goes #29 to Oklahoma City
JK-Oh. A Stanford man got drafted. Geez. He would be from Montana.
KT- Snore pick right there.
KT- In my mock draft I had San Antonio stealing CleAnthony Early. Dare to believe.
JK-That might be my favorite name in the draft. I hope they get him.
KT- For the record, my boss's mock draft had Spencer Dinwiddie being selected here. Another fantastic name.
JK-Whoaaa. That does win.

Kyle Anderson goes #30 to San Antonio
JK-Really? They couldn't have picked a more boring name.
KT-Only idiots are named Kyle.
JK-Oh yeah. That's right. Hey so anyways, Kyle, thank you for filling in for Dapper Dan Allen for this.
KT- On the bright side, I now have a starting five of Kyle's in the NBA. And hey now problem, always down to chat about the NBA.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I respect people who don't care. I just do. I am a firm believer those who don't let little things bother or upset them are people with a good head on their shoulders, and I don't mean the shampoo. When I attended Governor's Ball a few weekends ago, I was chastised by someone in a bathroom line who somehow got mad at me for going to the shorter line while he and a bunch of other idiots were standing around in the longest of 3 lines. There I was, minding my own business and thinking about what most people think about when in a bathroom line, "Go. Faster.", when all of a sudden I hear this nasally voice from behind me and to my right yelling something about a guy in a Dodgers hat. That's when it hit me. "Hey, I'm wearing a Dodgers hat." I said to myself, and decided to turn around and see what all the hubbub was about.

"What?" I said.

"You cut the line. That's bullshit man. There are people waiting!" Said this lanky hipster in a tank top and some club master Ray-bans.

"Okay." said I, trying not to give this idiot the time of day.

Much to my chagrin, he kept on giving me crap. "It's not cool. You fucking cut all these people who are waiting." he said, along with some other mutterings under his breath.

"If it bothers you that much you can come over here and go in front of me." I offered, just hoping to end this. I was actually serious too. It was his move at this point.

"No. What about all these other people? It's on principle. Don't you care about lines?" He said, basically giving me a layup.

Without using a half a second I kinda snapped and said "Care about lines? I don't care about anything. Of course I don't care about lines. Don't. Care. DON'T. CAAAARE."

There was sheer joy that came to me when the look on his face just grew to confusion and he got all tongue tied. He tried pleading his case a little bit more but I decided to act like a 5 year old and keep on shouting DON'T CAAAAARRRRE! Each time he started up another argument about caring about the bathroom line. Mature? Maybe not, but that's what people deserve when they choose to not be in the short bathroom line and then call out people who do select the short line.

The point of this story is that it brought me great joy to just get it off my chest that I didn't care what he thought. At all. I'm not going to let some hipster (who looked as if eating anything at all was too mainstream by the looks of his thin frame) dictate what line I could or couldn't use because he fucked up. This exclamation of not caring was a rare time for me standing up for myself, and I guess I'm proud. Anyways, obviously I care about some things, because you kinda have to, but my goal in life now is to try to not let the small things get to me like in the above example, and not care when things are trivial. Therefore, let me give you my list of favorite people who simply don't care.

10. Bill Belichick/Nick Saban- I'm making these two one in the same because I just can't have two college football coaches taking up to slots on this list. Two of the most successful football coaches in the world who never seem amused or impressed by anything. Fun fact: these two combined for a whopping 5 smiles over the past 3 years. Out of these two, I will give a slight edge to Belichick in the 'don't care' department by his usual desire to just wear a hooded sweatshirt everywhere, and his tendency to speak as little as possible to reporters even though he technically has to talk to them. People give him shit all the time for not being 'friendly' and a pain to the press, but I think his phrase of "it is what it is" works just fine and can be a suitable answer for any question posed his way. Nick Saban impresses me in his lack of showing enthusiasm despite how successful he is. I've never seen a coach win a national championship and look so miserable. In the postgame interview, if you had your TV on mute and caught it midway through, it'd be tough to figure out if he was on the losing or winning end of the game because he never smiles and is never happy with anything.

Is she the ultimate 'Ice Queen'? Probably. I'd love to see her reaction when a guy hits on her at a bar or something. If that is the face she makes for a silver medal at the Olympics, imagine the face she'd make for a creepy guy at a bar. McKayla basically told the world that it was gold or bust for her, and everything else just doesn't matter. There have been psych studies that have shown that the bronze medalist is normally more content and pleased with their outcome than a silver medalist, but this is just ridiculous.

8. Icona Pop- They don't care, and they love it! And I love it! Cause I don't care! The ultimate DGAF anthem.

7. Jeff Spicoli (Fast Times at Ridgemont High)- I wouldn't know, but I'm sure if you were stoned since the 3rd grade you wouldn't care about much either. Jeff Spicoli got a pizza delivered to his classroom in the movie, which I'm sure planted the seed for many wise-asses in high schools everywhere to duplicate this prank since seeing the movie.

Unafraid of the power hungry Mr. Hand, Jeff Spicoli doesn't care about fear and decides to explain how Mr. Hand's 'precious time' is actually everyone's 'precious time' and that there is nothing wrong with a little feast once in a while. It's a bold move to pull this off, and it is near impossible for someone who cares about being disciplined to pull off.

6. Jack Bauer (24)- Jack Bauer is an interesting character in regards of not caring, because he cares about America, and every once in a while, a woman, but besides that he is in full DGAF mode. This is a guy who once cut open a man to extract a microchip from his stomach to save his country. He is ruthless to a point of no return. In one season, he didn't care so much that he agreed to purposely start a heroin addiction to go undercover with some terrorists. No big deal. Not for American hero Jack Bauer. Does he have many friends? No. I think he has like, 2 friends, and that's being generous. Does his family like him? I really doubt it. Jack Bauer doesn't care about what he has to do to save America, just as long as he gets the job done. And for that, Jack, we thank you.

5. Stone Cold Steve Austin- The ultimate anti-authority figure. The man was a Texas redneck who drank beers on the job, ran his mouth while backing it up, flipped off anyone willy nilly as he saw fit, got into a years long feud with his boss on national television, borrowed a Coors Light truck and sprayed a bunch of people in the ring, celebrated victories with more beer, and created probably the most iconic pop culture phrase from the wrestling world when he told us, after beating a newly religious Jake the Snake Roberts "You sit there and you thump your bible, and you say your prayers, and it didn't get you anywhere! Talk about your psalms, talk about John 3:16…well, Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!" Steve Austin did what disgruntled employees everywhere wanted to do to their boss and various authority figures, and for years in the late 90's and early 00's, people lived vicariously through Austin and his attitude, which showed us how little he cared.

4. The Driver (Ryan Gosling in Drive)- Always need to look out for the quiet ones. Ryan Gosling in the indie super film 'Drive' played a stunt and getaway driver who doesn't say much. In fact, he doesn't even care about people who hire him as a getaway driver, giving them 5 minutes and not a second more to do their job and get out. He didn't even seem to care when his only friend (Bryan Cranston with a limp) gets murdered. He just sort of looks down at him and sighs. Sure, in the movie he starts to care about his neighbor who is the blonde chick who ends up playing Daisy Buchanan and breaking Gatsby's heart and the little kid who is kind of annoying, but he ends up going to any length necessary to protect them. He beats the shit out of a man with a hammer and doesn't even wind up with the girl! The Driver just does what is right, and he couldn't care less about anything or anyone.

He makes this face in 98% of his screen time.

3. Ferris Bueller- It's one thing to play some hooky as a bored high schooler. It's another thing to go about it by having the best day ever without any real attempt to hide. Think about it. Most kids these days would spend a day off from school playing Xbox and try to pretend they still had a fever when their parents got back from work. Ferris Bueller took over a parade float in downtown Chicago and serenaded the city with the only decent Beatles song they ever made.

In addition he gets his best friend to let him use a car which is 'so choice' and doesn't seem to worry too much when it goes crashing through a glass wall (never understood the glass wall in a garage part). Ferris lives the dream: has the girlfriend, has the adoration of his classmates and his town (Save Ferris was written on the water tower for Pete's sake), has the ability to do what he wants and get away with it. Well done, Ferris.

2. Australian Party Kid- The inspiration for the movie 'Project X'. If you haven't seen this famous youtube video yet, you have been missing out and I won't have to explain why he is so high on this list.

Between the massive rager he threw that got out of hand, to not wanting to take off his sunglasses for the interview, this kid has balls, and an affinity for not caring. I do find it a bit ironic that after this interview, the sunglasses probably did get a bit famous.

1. Jay Cutler- The legend. I hated Jay Cutler for a while, because I just thought he was a smug asshole of a quarterback. Little did I know that he was just a person who didn't care. This is a man who proposed to his girlfriend, Kristin Cavallari via text message, and then sent the engagement ring to her via mail. There is a tumblr dedicated to him with photoshopped cigarettes in his mouth, called Smokin' Jay Cutler, because his usual facial expression is that of someone who looks like they'd rather be anywhere else in the world than where they currently are, even while playing professional football.

The real legendary tale of how Jay Cutler doesn't care is that some guy at a bar approached Smokin' Jay in a men's room at a bar while he was wasted and proceeded to tell him how he also went to Vanderbilt University like he did and before he could finish saying that he was also a Chicago Bears fan, Jay Cutler cut him off by just yelling DOOOOOONNNNN'T CAAAAAARRRRRRRRE in his face before stumbling away.

Now, when it comes to quarterbacks, my respect is with Tom Brady. Next in line, however, is Jay Cutler and everything he stands for…or doesn't care about, rather. Much respect, Smokin' Jay.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Governors Ball is one of the most exciting festivals out there. It is relatively new, but each year the lineup gets more and more absurd, and this year may be the best yet. Headliners include the newly reformed (for now) Outkast, Jack White, Vampire Weekend, The Strokes and Phoenix. This years edition of Gov Ball is also very important, because I will be in attendance. Since the weekend is almost upon us, I enlisted fellow blogger and best buddy of mine Matt Rizzini, who runs One Nation, Under Dance, and just recently graced the interweb with his own festival season preview which you can take a gander at here: One Nation, Under Dance. I decided to kick it old school and just have a good ol' fashioned Facebook chat with Matthew and see whet's goin' on with him and see what he's looking forward to about Gov Ball, since, like me, he will also be there.

Matt: I got another fuckin' potato.

Jim: Greetings and welcome to the first annual One Breakfast at Jimothy's Under Dance Hall Nation. That is amazing. Those damn potatoes will catch up to you.

M: Yup yup ok.

J: Alright ya know what let's just get this shit started. I figure we'll each answer questions one after the other, ya know?

M: ok. ok.

J: Alright first thing is first. Hipster Time: who is a lesser known artist you can't wait to see?

M: Classixx. A nu-disco group that will be busting out the keyboards and synthesizers to perform live. It'll be a laid back set which will be a perfect way to start off a Saturday loaded with big name acts later on in the day. How bout you?

J: You can never really go wrong with nu-disco as I always say. I've been wanting to say the Kills for this question because they're so under appreciated, but they are kinda sorta biggish, so I'm gonna take Tanlines here.

M: Hey well we can go from Tanlines right to Classixx and revel in all our hipster glory.

J: That's not a bad idea. Next up, is there anyone playing who you are looking forward to seeing again?

M: Oh yeah, Phoenix. Saw them at the House of Blues (Boston) and now I can't wait to see how they play on a festival main stage. Friday night. Sun will be setting by the end. I'll probably find my wife during this set.

J: Ya know, I always did like your optimism. If I were to ask myself this questions a few days ago, I'd be at a loss. That all changed this past Saturday when, I dunno if you heard but I saw the Strokes play at the Capitol Theatre for a warmup show. I'm guessing they played that show to get all the kinks out before Gov Ball, but there weren't all that many kinks to be worked out. They were awesome. I was blown away by how they made some songs like 12:51 sound better than the actual studio version.

M: I would have place a $250 bet that you would have picked the Strokes for the answer to that question.

J: Then you would not have lost any money. Also it hit me that the only other band I've seen before in this lineup is Sleigh Bells I believe.

J: MOVING ON!!! I'm calling this segment "ask the expert". As the head scribe of One Nation, Under Dance, which button pusher are you looking forward to seeing out there the most on the 1's and 2's?

M: Funny you ask. None really. As far as I can tell there will only be 3 true DJ sets at Gov Ball- RJD2, Skrillex and Axwell^Ingrosso. I don't really know RJD2, I'm probably gonna catch most of Jack White instead of Skrillex, and I'm not too crazy about the 2/3 of Swedish House Mafia playing.

J: I am actually stunned by this.

M: There are several electronic acts that will be playing live however, and I can say that since I have seen Disclosure before, I am most looking forward to finally seeing the Bloody Beetroots live. It's going to be nutz.

J: Okay, makes sense. I was getting worried there for a second. I thought you were pulling my arm there for a hot minute!

M: Empire of the Sun, Glitch Mob, Disclosure, Bloody Beetroots, Classixx. Plenty of good live electronica for those ravers out there.

J: You all know who you are! For me, I have to answer this while leading into a new question. I'm saying Disclosure, but the problem is, they are playing the same time as Broken Bells, so I'm not quite sure which I'll see. So, Matthew, which time conflict is the most heart wrenching to you?

M: Pushing aside Skrillex vs. Jack White, because I'm pretty set on seeing at least most of Jack before maybe seeing some of Sonny. So I'm gonna go with Naked and Famous vs. the Glitch Mob. Both shows will be great. It's going to come down to how I'm feeling at the moment. Thinking about splitting them up since the stages are close.

J: That's an interesting idea. I, like you, will make a game time decision between Outkast and Damon Albarn (blur, Gorillaz frontman/mastermind). I do enjoy me some Outkast every now and then, but I have been a fan of blur since I was about 7 when that WOOHOO song came out, and the Gorillaz are a classic, but who knows what kind of a setlist he'll play solo. Also, I feel like it'll be interesting seeing him since everyone else will be at Outkast.

Won Me Over With the Jean Jacket

M: I'm picturing a very small crowd for Damon. Could be pretty cool.

J: Exactly. It would be a bit intimate. Speaking of intimate! Are there any eye candy you'll be locking your peepers on up on stage this weekend? Let me tell ya, that Sexi Lexi Krauss from Sleigh Bells makes me weak at the knees, and it's always a pleasure to catch a glimpse of her live and in person.

Hubba Hubba. Oh and Hello Derek. I Guess.

M: I can't remember what Sexi Lexi looks like since last time I saw Sleigh Bells I was about a mile away. So I'm gonna go with Banks, but she is early on Sunday so hopefully we make it there in time. She's pretty pretty.

J: Pretty pretty is high praise. I know you hold all ladies up to the highest of standards when it comes to looks. So Banks is pretty easy on the ol' peepers you're saying? Anyways. Starting to wrap things up, what food are you most intrigued by from the list of various vendors and is there anyone you feel is missing from this lineup?

M: Man oh man the food lineup is probably the best looking food lineup I've seen at a festival. The mac and cheese looks delicious but I'm not sure I want to scarf down a plate of mac and cheese before I dance the night away. So my pick is the Mile End Deli and the Cool Haus Ice Cream Sandwiches. And Cage the Elephant is missing from this lineup. With the energy they seem to bring to their live performances, they should be at every festival. But overall I think this is a fantastic lineup.

J: I'm certainly going with the macaroni and cheese vendor as the most intriguing, I don't care if it effects my dancing or not. The other dark horse vendor which could be a crowd pleaser is the Nugget Spot. Harkens back to chicken nugget day back in college. As for the band that needs to be in this lineup, I'm with you that it's a fantastic lineup, but I feel like my dudes and chick in Fucked Up deserve to be here considering they have a new album that just came out today. They'd add a punch of hardcore shredding to this lineup, but since they played here last year I guess it makes sense they aren't coming. Last question now: which headliner is gonna crush it the most at Gov Ball 2014?

M: Jack White. As long as he doesn't bring up Meg White or the Black Keys and just shreds.

J: I also am going with Jack White. He's someone we'll be telling our grandkids about, and I love how he just plays music from all the various bands he's been in (White Stripes, Dead Weather, Raconteurs). He may be kind of an asshole, but he caters to the fans, which sometimes can be a bit rare today.

M: He better play Icky Thump.

J: If he doesn't will it ruin your weekend?

M: Nope. Because it's almost impossible to have a bad weekend at a music festival.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

I realize that I haven't done much writing due to the Pop Culture Madness tournament which took about two months too long, which may or may not have been part of my plan. With the exception of a top 10 list of the best songs by the Pixies, which you should totally check out, and the final matchup between Kel Mitchell and eventual champion Bill Murray, I haven't been using my creative genius to rag on items in pop culture. That being said, I've been keeping a list of topics I would like to address, so let's get started.

First off, when are hipsters going to start wearing brands like Ecko, Fubu, and South Pole? I'm thinking in about two years we can expect this to happen.

Not so mainstream anymore!

So Donald Sterling quickly became the most famous owner of an NBA team recently. Sweet Jesus did he make a mess of his life. This whole situation about being secretly recorded by a mistress who claims to not be a mistress has everyone somewhat confused. This V. Stiviano is possibly the most mysterious part of the whole situation. Apparently she has more aliases than a typical 1930's Chicago Mobster and was trying to get her meal ticket with this recording. Seriously, she has gone by Vanessa Maria Perez, Monica Gallegos, Maria Vanessa Perez, Maria Valdez, Mariamonica Perez Gallegos, Puff Daddy, V-String, Lefty, Lil' V With the Gimpy Leg, and Fun Dip. I'm just confused by why she settled on just V. Unless she's starring in a movie with Natalie Portman with a shaved head and wearing a mask, it's not really a good name to use out in public. What she did was good in a way because we found out Donald Sterling is a racist, but unfortunately she'll be on some awful reality game show in the near future, and try stretching out her 15 minutes of fame as long as possible. Only in America, man.

As I mentioned in a prior blog, the iPhone commercial with the Pixies song 'Gigantic' is pretty awesome. Makes me want to finally get the upgrade on my iPhone that I've had for about 18 months. I can only wonder if Apple knew just exactly what 'Gigantic' is rumored to be about.

So Solange Knowles seems to be Public Enemy number 1 in the eyes of the general public after slapping around Jay Z in an elevator and upsetting Beyonce. What is sad is that some people who really need to go outside more will probably care more about Solange being a terrible person than various dictators and Donald Sterling. This whole Beyonce craze is kind of absurd right now anyways. SURFBORT.

One ad campaign that has not been doing so well comes to us from Dominoe's. I'll tell ya, somewhere out there is an ad man who was trying to get himself fired by coming up with the "Failure IS an option" campaign, only for it to be picked up and actually used in commercials. I realize that some things in life you have to try and try again after failing, such as riding a unicycle, or shotgunning 5 Keystone Lights in 60 seconds, but I never want failure to be involved in my food, and for it to be deemed okay by the people serving it. What happens when I return my shitty tasting pizza? "Hey, these Cinnastix kinda suck." "Oh, well I can promise you that we really tried. You know, sometimes failure CAN be an option. Enjoy this coupon next time you come in." NO. This is just typical Dominoe's covering their asses for sucking. Do they want me to not be mad the next time they make my Cheesey Bread taste like a stale piece of Doublemint Gum? Failure is an option. God. I'd love to see a student try using that one on their parents. Suck it Dominoe's.

The Wu Tang Clan did something pretty interesting recently. They made an album that is truly one of a kind. Seriously. There is only one copy on this album on vinyl. And that's all there ever will be. Basically, they worked their asses off to make a 31 song double album entitled Once Upon A Time In Shaolin, and it will be toured throughout the country at museums where you can listen to it on headphones, to stop any chance of the album being leaked to the public. After this museum tour, it is being sold for (reportedly) $5 million. This now leads into the question of "If you could have one band/singer make an album JUST for you, who would it be?" Personally, I'd have trouble deciding between the Red Hot Chili Peppers or Brand New….or Rebecca Black, just to piss people off. Pretty awesome thought concept by the Wu Tang Clan to pull a stunt that has never been done before, which is rare in this day and age.

That reminds me that the Boston Calling music festival starts tomorrow (Friday). Really looking forward to seeing Brand New, Modest Mouse, Death Cab For Cutie, and the opportunity to throw some rocks at Jack Johnson. I discussed this via text with dear friend and fellow blogger Matt "Hey How Are Ya?" Rizzini, but what exactly are the odds that Brand New plays 'Logan to Government Center'? the Government Center T stop is closed for 2 years, but they're so close by, so they have to play it, right? Then again, they are not ones who really play to what the crowd wants, so maybe they'll just be oblivious and not play it at all. I'm optimistic and am going to say the odds of them playing it are 51-49. Gotta keep the faith, you guys.

Remember the 'Make 7-Up Yours' commercials? Now that was one hell of an ad campaign.

It's been good times recently for fans of emo bands who broke up 15+ years ago. Mineral decided to get back together, but more importantly, American Football decided to bring back their not-very-cheery music from the dead. I recently read an interview with the singer of American Football where he admitted he was pretty confused by the fame they've gotten over the years, considering they only played around 12 basement shows in the midwest and actually broke up before their only full length album came out. That's like Heath Ledger dying before the Dark Knight came out. Okay maybe that isn't the best analogy to use, but you know what I mean. What matters is that a bunch of unhappy kids briefly grinned for a split second upon hearing the news of Mineral and American Football reuniting for some shows during this year.

Avril Lavigne had a pretty awful music video come out for a single entitled 'Hello Kitty' where she basically took every Asian stereotype and rolled it into a video that even MTV wouldn't have played back in the mid 80's. I know it was basically career suicide for her when she married the douche from Nickelback, but this is just stupidity. The Queen of England on LSD could watch a full season of Pokemon on mute and understand it more than any sober person watching this Avril Lavigne music video.

I would now like to call to attention to the only thing that bothers me about Mad Men. I love the show, I think it is a masterpiece that can basically do no wrong. This being said, I have on issue with it. That is when they show flashback of Don Draper (Jon Hamm if you've never seen it). My problem with these flashbacks is that they use a kid to play young Don, who could not look any more unlike Jon Hamm. For the love of everything sacred did casting mess this one up! Look at that nose! You expect us to believe that this dweeb grew up, shrunk his nose and became arguably one of the most handsome men to ever walk the planet? This show once had a scene where a guy lost his foot in the office when it was run over by a drunk secretary on a John Deere lawnmower and I didn't question it, but this is just too much!

Noooope.

Oh yeah, back to Donald Sterling, the singer from one of my favorite bands, Wavves, created this pic stitch of Donald Sterling and his doppleganger, and it's pretty damn good.

Well done, Wavves.

Only Justin Bieber would move on from Brazilian prostitutes to underage high school girls.

One thing that brought me great joy recently was the picture of Macaulay Culkin wearing a tshirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a tshirt of Macaulay Culkin. My initial reaction? How the hell do I not have a tshirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a tshirt of Macaulay Culkin? The picture of Culkin wearing the shirt is pretty funny. Probably his finest work since Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

Couple of weeks ago a very bored and witty Massachusetts Department of Transportation worker (who is clearly not in the proper profession) decided to make signs all over Massachusetts roads read "Use Yah Blinkah!!!". This was pretty funny stuff. What wasn't funny was that it probably got instagrammed or tweeted while driving a million times, which probably led to a bunch of accidents and maybe even some deaths. This is why we can't have nice things.

I was very disappointed recently when the Boston Bruins blew it in the playoffs and lost to those pathetic douchebags that make up the Montreal Canadiens. What was somewhat good was the fact that Bruins forward Milan Lucic went into the traditional and 'sacred' handshake line where he promptly told Canadiens forward Dale Weiss "I'm going to fucking kill you next year" with an overly firm handshake. Is this sportsmanlike? Ehhhhh. Is it awesome? Yes. I'd bet money that this is not the first time over the past 90 years that someone has said something along these lines in the handshake line, but it is the first time some cry baby has actually gone public and talk about it. The thing is, Lucic may have just been angry and didn't really mean it when he said, but now there is a very good chance that he could actually kill Dale Weiss on the ice next year, which is something to watch for next season.

Did you guys know that Spacejam.com is exactly the same as it was back in 1996? That's kind of awesome.

It occurred to me today that after 20 years I guess we can say that Kurt Cobain was in fact lying when he sang on 'Come As You Are' that he didn't have a gun.

Wrestling time: HHH has been one of the greatest wrestlers ever. Why is his weapon of choice a sledgehammer? That's a bit much in opinion. Most people go for a steel chair or a table, but HHH goes for the sledgehammer. That's a bit unfair. That's like giving Barry Bonds a metal bat while he was in the peak of his steroid use and they moved the fences in by 40 feet at the Giants ballpark.

I could be a 10 time champion if I used a sledgehammer too, man.

Finally, I guess a hologram of Michael Jackson played at the Billboard awards or something, which gives out awards to music for people who are too stupid to branch out and listen to actual good music. What a joke. The man is dead. Give it up. The only benefit of hologram Michael Jackson is that it is much safer for anyone under the age of 13 and we can probably expect an awesome South Park episode about this in the near future. Also, I hope that no one makes a hologram of me after I meet my demise in 71 years. But if someone does, I'd encourage them to put great detail into my hair, because let's face it, that's my real moneymaker.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

The end is here, you guys. What a journey this has been. We started at 64 and we are now at 4 competitors left for this meaningless competition which will earn the eventual winner a whole lot of nothing. This tournament has had upsets, beatdowns, Cinderella stories and choke jobs. I've learned a lot about my own friends from their responses (I need new ones) in this tournament, and I'll be glad when it is over so I can start posting other pop-culture related material on here. Anyways, much like on the newly returned show 24, the clock is ticking on this tournament. We have made it to the Final 4, with each competitor worthy of being here. Without further ado, I'd like to get into it, but first I must take a moment to thank the judges/panelists on taking the time to vote on these two remaining match ups, so props and much respect to Dan "The Riverside Rambler" Allen, Kyle "Belt Buckle" Towne, Liz "Nails" Wroblewski, Sean "Zoinks" Mottola, Ryan "The Radiator" Urkiel, Jenna "The Crown Jewel of Chatham" Borkoski and last, but most importantly, my Mom, 'Big D'.

Sean-"Daniel Bryan was Connor the Crusher's #1 favorite wrestler. Millions of people rally around this war cry. It's just too powerful for anything Kel Mitchell does."

EDITOR'S NOTE- What Sean is referring to is this truly heartbreaking, but awesome video of Connor the Crusher, who was a terminally ill boy who got his chance to meet Daniel Bryan and make some wishes come true. This video is a tearjerker, but totally worth watching:

Jenna-"Morally, I'm torn. Out of devotion to this blog's namesake author, I want to select the YES!!! Chant automatically. But, out of respect to my nine-year-old Nickelodeon-loving self, the less famous half of Kenan and Kel deserves some consideration. Kel is a prime example of 90's kid nostalgia, even more mysterious is that he has lived virtually off the grid since Kenan beat him out for a spot on SNL. Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan's YES! Chant is a relatively new phenomenon. It's been taking the world by storm, recently, but in the years to come, will fans reflect with the same reverence given for a man who has been out of the limelight for over a decade? Because of this, I'm faced with the ultimate dilemma: do I select a seed that is a pop culture icon in the metaphorical time-capsule sort of way, or do I base my decision solely on this year in pop culture? I'm sorry Jimothys, but I need to go with my gut on this one and select Kel Mitchell based on his longevity and for perpetually saving a small business with his recipe for secret sauce."

Kyle-"The Yes! Chant has been quite the movement. But I don't know if it will be able to withstand Daniel Bryan's neck surgery and subsequent absence. That being said, Kel Mitchell wasn't really able to withstand Kenan Thompson's absence either. There is a soft spot in my heart for both of these warriors of pop culture, but my vote will be with Kel. Did you know that he tried out for SNL and was denied in favor of Kenan? Man, talk about a wrench in a friendship. I just feel like he needs the win after reading that."

Mom-"Well, I would have said Kel because I like him and think that wrestler is really homely looking, but after watching that YES chant video I must give my vote to the wrestler. "

Dan-"Kel Mitchell burst into America's hearts the way Mark Prior did in Wrigleyville. With good breaking balls and good burgers, both men were phenoms at their crafts; seemingly unstoppable on their projected meteoric rise to the top. Unfortunately, Kel and Mark Prior's UCL decided to burn out rather than fade away. More than a decade has passed since the debuts and over time, people have grown nostalgic (how Kel hasn't appeared in a Fanta ad is insane). As more and more time slips away, we will all look back at how entertaining Kel Mitchell was. YES! on the other, is in a rough spot. Your friend and mind, Daniel Bryan, suffered a neck injury recently. Fun fact about the neck: it connects the head to everything else. With Daniel Bryan's head not quite in line with his body, it becomes very challenging for him to start chanting. It's a tough injury this late in the pop culture bracket, but these things happen when a March Madness-style bracket is still going on in mid May. In a stunner, Kel Mitchell advances to the finals. I feel weird just writing that. Truthfully, I think Kel kind of sucks. BUT a healthy actor from my childhood will always beat the crippled, decrepit mess of a wrassler with a neck injury."

Liz-"Kel Mitchell."

Urk-"Yes Chant beats Kel only because I want to set up a heartbreaking defeat for the Yes Chant in the Finals. It will be like when the Rangers and the Bruins both win their game 7's, make the Eastern Conference Finals and the Rangers take home the victory."

WINNER: Kel Mitchell, 4-3. God dammit you guys. Hate to see the YES!!! Chant fall, but Kel is a worthy winner. This victory proves that no matter what era, year, time it is, nothing stacks up to the 90's. Nothing. Since this is the most promising thing to happen to Kel Mitchell's career in a while, I would like to state "AWWWW HERE IT GOES!".

Jason Bourne vs. Bill Murray

Nice Haircut, Nerd.

Sean-"Bill Murray almost survived a zombie apocalypse by himself. Bill Murray can also eradicate ghosts. Basically he transcends time and space."

Mom-"Bill Murray because he is such a classic (although people of your age might disagree) but since it's Double Nickles Donna that was doing the voting, I must go with Mr. Bill."

Jenna-"This matchup was much easier for me. Applying the same reasoning to the first match of the Final Four, Bill Murray is my choice to take on Kel Mitchell in the final. Murray is a beloved American, entertaining individuals throughout his decades-long career. In years to come, Americans will still revere Caddyshack (just to name one of his many outstanding films), but will the Jason Bourne novels and films have the same cultural impact? I don't think so. My apologies, JB--maybe next year."

Dan-"Fake bad-assery opposed to real life perfection. I want to go on record right now and state that Bill Murray easily wins this tournament. Newspaper headline: 'Bourne runs of out TP vs. BM.' Jason Bourne filled a void while Jack Bauer was on a 2-year tequila bender (Cuervo?). Now that Bauer is back to make the most of his 24 hour day, Bourne is redundant. Between PBR pants and urban legends that you'd never believe, Bill Murray (ghost)busts into the finals."

Kyle-"I'm going with Bill Murray and it's not even close. It's like George Mason vs. Florida back in 2006. Pretty cool Final Four run for Jason Bourne, but he's getting smacked up every day of the week by Bill Murray."

Liz-"Jason Bourne."

Urk-"Bill Murray wins because Jason Bourne isn't even on the same level as Jack Bauer and he still somehow made the finals."

Well, well, well. I don't think anyone was surprised that Jason Bourne got bounced. He might've had the easiest route to a Final Four ever, and his weakness showed in his shellacking by Bill Murray. What a doozy we had between Kel Mitchell and the YES!!! Chant. New school vs. Old school in the realms of pop culture, and the Old school won a tight one. Get well soon, Daniel Bryan. Now, here we are, the championship for the 1st Annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness Tournament.

Kel Mitchell vs. Bill Murray.

The point of this tournament is much like the heralded sitcom 'Seinfeld'. Nothing. Nothing about this tournament makes sense. Why was Ryan Gosling facing off against Tandem Bicycles? No idea. This tournament is basically a big fun waste of time. No one gets a trophy here. Bill Murray and Kel Mitchell will never know that they are facing each other in a championship on a blog. This whole things means nothing, and that is why I love it. It is now time for yours truly, to take the two competitors remaining, and decide which one will be the champion.

Kel Mitchell- Kel, Kel, Kel. Where to begin. You were a staple of my childhood, along with millions of others who grew up in the golden age of television: 90's Nickelodeon. I think I can speak on behalf of everyone and say that you were the real star, with Kenan as your somewhat less crazy counterpart. You were the funnier one, and in all honesty, seemed like you'd have the brighter future of the two. The fact that Amanda Bynes is more relevant than you is utterly disturbing. Every time I see Orange Soda, I think of you. Dan Allen made a great point earlier on when he said that it is insane how you haven't inked an endorsement deal with Fanta or Sunkist. Is your agent on drugs or something?

I don't know what happened with you and Kenan on SNL, but I can only imagine that you were extremely sick during your tryout and it had a lasting impact on your tryout and things didn't work out well. In a perfect world, you should be on SNL doing skits about topics like politics and the Kardashians and starring in Digital Shorts about dicks in boxes or lazy sundays and the like. The possibilities of you portraying Kanye West, Barack Obama and Kevin Hart is amazing, and I'm hoping you one day get a second chance with SNL. You are a hero of the 90's, but what have you done for me lately? It's never good for your career when the most relevant thing about you were fake rumors of your untimely demise, and realizing you were in a commercial for Sprite after doing some looking on the Google machine. You provided us with classic scenes and memories through the Kenan and Kel Show, All That, Good Burger and other Nickelodeon shows. Remember 'Figure It Out'? You were brilliant on that with the likes of Lori Beth Denberg and making Summer Sanders laugh mid-question. Glory days, man. You brought joy into the lives of 90's kids, and you will forever be adored by all of us. You may be out of your prime, but you're not done yet in this tournament, and life, I guess. You have certainly earned your spot in the world that is Pop Culture.

Bill Murray- The timeless warrior. I don't know where to really start. I think my first experience with getting to know Bill Murray is also my personal favorite: Caddyshack. Bill Murray helped make that movie, and he's basically a character just thrown in the mix. It amazed me when years later I learned that Murray, as Carl, had no lines written for him, and he just made it all up on the fly. That sort of things stuns me. His appearance in Space Jam (thinking back on it now, maybe Space Jam was actually my first time seeing Bill Murray) was legendary, and he was a contributor in the defeat of the Monstars, helping Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradley, Patrick Ewing and (most importantly) Charles Barkley regain their talent.

Even outside of movies, this man is a legend. He is a beloved figure on the popular website The Chive, which sells some pretty sweet tshirts of his face, helping to keep him relevant, although he didn't really need the help. What I like most about Bill Murray is his ability to be himself, anywhere. Bill Murray does his own thing, and just doesn't care. I respect that. He beats to his own drum, wears his facial hair in weird ways every now and then, owns PBR pants, umbrella hats and other unique items, because he can. All of us should try to be as confident and legendary as Bill Murray.

THE VERDICT: This is tough, as both competitors are definitely worthy of the title. As much as I was pulling for the YES!!! Chant, I knew who the eventual winner of this tournament would be, and that is Bill Murray.

'Hope.'

Kel put up a great fight, and I was pleasantly surprised that the panelists gave him as much love as he did, but in the end, this was Bill Freakin' Murray's tournament. The thing is, Bill Murray is still doing his thing. The Grand Budapest Hotel features our beloved Bill, and that seems like a real winner (classic Wes Anderson, man). Sprite commercials and death hoaxes can only help out a man like Kel so much. I don't know why Kel Mitchell hasn't had any opportunities lately in Hollywood, but the fact is that he should. I honestly hope Kel isn't done with acting, because anyone who has seen him perform knows he is super talented and naturally funny. As for Mr. Murray, his career is a hundred times more impressive than Kel, and he is more beloved than Kel. If Bill Murray walks into a bar, EVERYONE there should offer that man a drink. Finally, a lot of this comes down to the fact that Bill Murray is beloved for being true to himself wherever he goes, and that's impressive. It takes balls to wear some of the stuff he does and do the things he does, but he doesn't care, and he gets laughs from people. In a world where you flip on the news and instantly become depressed, you can always turn to Bill Murray for laughter. The world would be a much better place if everyone lived their lives like Bill and didn't worry about what other people think. Bill Murray is a true icon, both in life and in pop culture, and for that, he is the 1st ever Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness Tournament Champion. Well done, Bill. Drinks are one me.