HOWARD: Why the China Nuke Deal is Good News

I am filing my report on tricky communication lines here in deepest Somerset, in SW England, UK (writes Sir Howard) as I report on how the Chinese-backed Hinckley Nuclear Power Plant plan will effect our great nation.

I only have access to the teleprinter twice a week so there may be a hiatus between reports. Failing that, there is always the weekly post carriage which may ease difficulties.

But I have heartening news after a full ten minutes’ investigation of this rural county.

Amid glasses of cider imbibed by the locals, tractor traffic clogging the byways and highways of this remote corner of civilisation and the end-butts of marijuana cigarettes from the last Glastonbury pop and beat event, I have found remarkable evidence of why our green and pleasant land will benefit from an inject of Chinese money into the Hinckley unit facility.

Here are 7 reasons, Whitehall sources told me over a gallon of scrumpy and large plate of turnip raclette:

Defence: The Chinese army has copious experience of protecting vulnerable communities such as Tibet. So, it will annex neighbouring Gloucestershsire to ensure peace and a dedicated workforce

Free Speech: There will be a new season of openness in Somerset. Local newspapers will be free to print any Beijing press releases it wishes and there will be limited internet coverage of government information by 2030

Social Media:: Luckily, the Chinese bosses say county folks won’t have to worry about being pestered by hackers and such. All social media will be stopped to bolster privacy

Conservation: Three lorryloads of pandas will be sold to Mendip Zoo so Somersetians can observe lazy funny looking bears loafing around and not procreating

Future Investment: Our Chinese partners will buy up all property in the nearby Cotswolds (except for Chipping Norton) to use as obligatory worker leisure camps. In order to ensure rest, the zone will be off-limits to non-workers and all Cotswold antique shops will be nationalised

Saving Money: Each and every UK resident will save £450,000 per annum by the year 3248 because of the new Sino-French scheme. This will be pumped back into the Somerset economy to strengthen borders and internal affairs

I forgot what the seventh reason is.

Footnote:This website cannot guarantee total accuracy in this vital report from Somerset due to new government media law and telegraph breakage situations somewhere near Wells Under Mud