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A Bureaucrat is the most despicable of men, though he is needed as vultures are needed, but one hardly admires vultures whom Bureaucrats so strangely resemble. I have yet to meet a Bureaucrat who was not petty, dull, almost witless, crafty or stupid, an oppressor or a thief, a holder of little authority in which he delights, as a boy delights in possessing a vicious dog. Who can trust such creatures? -- Cicero

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The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."

Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."

Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]:"Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."

Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"

Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."

Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."

Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."

Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."

Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."

Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."

Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."

Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."

Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]:"No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."

Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."

Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."

DISCLAIMER: The opinions stated on this blog are those of the Author and in no way reflect the ideas or opinions of the City of Pittsburgh, the County of Allegheny, the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the United States of America, any functionary, authority, department, or subsidiary of the above therein, or Gregory Peck. This blog is consistent with all rules and regulations of The Hatch Act [5 CFR 734.101 et seq.], and mocks all persons regardless of race, creed, color, gender, national origin, religion, marital status, age, disability, sexual orientation, political affiliation, union membership, or status as a disabled veteran or a veteran of the Vietnam era. Any names or situations contained in this blog have been changed to protect the innocent and for a cheap laugh. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Situations described and presented in this blog are fictitious, as far as you know. If you don't like humor, sarcasm, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire, this blog probably isn't for you; we suggest you read The Family Circus instead. Those with limited capacity to understand irony (dramatic, verbal, situational, and all others) should not read this blog. Seriously. Prolonged exposure to this blog may cause insomnia, loss of appetite, irritability, nausea, war, famine, pestilence, death, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. Posts may contain trace amounts of bovine fecal material and nuts. Spelling, factual, grammar, and other errors are par for the course. This blog is not to be taken internally. Do not expose this blog to open flame. In the event of catastrophe, this blog may be used as a flotation device. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog. If you have read this far, you obviously have too much time on your hands. Get back to work, dammit!