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She's on Facebook

My husband cheated me only a couple weeks before he returned home from Afghanistan with another service member recently. I know her name and can see her Facebook profile. He had "unfriended" her, but I find myself looking her up to figure her out more. Why on earth do I care? Now, I ask myself if I should say something to her or not. I wonder if anyone else is thinking UN-rationally as I am lately! I think sometimes of what I could say to her. I don't even want to pick a fight. I really want to know how it went down from her perspective, why she did it, etc. I know this just doesn't make sense. I feel so alone and mental.

My husband told me that she knew he was married. He gave her the opportunity and she took it. The blame is on both of them. She had told my husband that she's a devout Christian and "he should work it out with me" and that she felt bad because she was once cheated on before too. You know what I told my husband? She was a divorced single mom and deployed with nothing to lose.

TheClimb posted 6/21/2013 21:12 PM

You nailed it, she had nothing to lose. The hot mess that my husband chose, knew me and my daughter. The bitch watched us spend hours helping on a fundraiser for her daughters' education. She wanted someone to take care of her and liked my house and the stupid country club life she assumed I had. The very worst part of this is that she watched her two teenaged daughters suffer the unexpected loss of their father and she was more than willing to take my ten year old's father away from her. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER FOR THAT.

So, I know exactly how you feel. It sucks, it is hugely unfair, and we can never really be made whole again. How can she right this wrong?

I live in a very small town and have many connections to the OW; family, friends, work associates. Her Facebook friends are also my friends so I see things posted by others about her. Sometimes her picture pops up on my page. People think she is wonderful, so happy she has found a new man. Most of these people do not know the truth; some do and still accept her. I am seriously wondering about some of the friends I have!

I don't have much help to offer you as it is obvious that I still struggle with letting her go. Over four years and I still want a pound of flesh....her flesh. Perhaps that is because I see her often. I hope that you do not see the OW. I know how difficult it is to stay away from Facebook.

I don't think we will ever understand how another woman, mother could purposely inflict so much pain on another woman, mother who has done nothing to them. There is no good reason or excuse. I guess some things just can't be explained.

I hope you and your husband are doing well. In time, you won't think about her as often and even when you do, it won't ruin your day. If I ever figure out how to let her go, I will certainly let you know.

daledge posted 6/22/2013 07:20 AM

I am so sorry for you. I know your pain and how you want to know what on earth these two cheaters were thinking.

We will never know. What they did is inexcusable. We've had the opportunity to cheat ourselves, but would never even consider going there. What makes them ???

The most ironic sentence you wrote is that she calls herself a devout Christian! No, let's make that a simple slut.

Don't do anything. Keep it in your head. Post on cheaterville.com. But you will not get any answers, just grief.

She will be defensive. She will lie. She cheats with a married man after she was cheated on? HUH? You couldn't trust anything that came out of her mouth!

Instead focus on your husband. Focus on your marriage. Do not be dragging her into your relationship with your husband.

She will move on if you just put her out in the cold. Post happy loving pictures of your family on your FB page.

You will need to be forever watchful though. Now you know that he has crossed the line.
Make it very, very clear to him that this can never happen again. Sock some money away for yourself. If you read enough on this website you will see these cheaters can and do cheat again. So govern yourself accordingly.

Good luck. Try to manage your emotions rather than fall victim to them. Talk to a counselor if you can.

dontstop posted 6/22/2013 21:28 PM

TheClimb,

I'm sorry that you have to run into her sorry existence because there were so many connections beforehand. Those friends who accept her are not your friends. For me, if I just let it be, I will never run into her or see her again in FB world or real life. I want so badly to tell her things to see if she's human but I suppose it will change nothing. I honestly have no idea how a mother/woman justifies this if she KNOWS the man she is carrying on with is married. But like I said before, I blame them both since it takes two. As far as my husband goes, he is trying everything to keep me from walking away. I need to feel wanted but it doesn't change how I feel about this whole thing. What's worse is that I don't look at "us" the same way I used to and I hate that. Thanks for your words!

dontstop posted 6/22/2013 21:35 PM

daledge,

You know, it kinda helps too just talking about this on this site! If I am feeling crazy, angry, or sad, I can let it out here and people who are in my shoes "get it". Isn't it just insane that I have to "watch" my husband now? I mean, we had it all. Now, he's completely upset with himself, says he thinks so low of himself, and how he will never do something like this. He doesn't want me to leave and he wants to repair what he's done. He's done and said all the right things a woman needs to see/hear, but I'm mortally wounded. We will never be the same. I certainly got my own bank account. Right now I am trying to get another job so that I can pay off bills and tuck a few away. I appreciate your response to my post.

TheClimb posted 6/22/2013 22:38 PM

For a long time, my marriage did not feel the same. After time, and him earning back my trust, things seem more normal. Time truly does help.

I will say that I am not the same person. I'm no longer afraid of what might happen. I was always a strong person but now I am more secure in myself. I also have a quick temper and now give my opinion whether you ask for it or not.

Dawn58 posted 6/23/2013 10:44 AM

So sorry that you are going through this.

You are not alone, you are not mental. I feel like a crazy person, so consumed with hurt and anger. I know the OW's name, she's on facebook too. She had the gall to post a picture of her and the pig as her profile picture. How nice, a homewrecker next to a liar, cheat who is still married. Nice. Speaks volumes to her character.

The OW is no body. You are a far better person, you have integrity, you are faithful, you are a beautiful, strong, loving woman. Do not lose sight of that. This has nothing to do with you, it's all about him, he is damaged.

Take care of yourself, post here, get support, read the postings in the library.

You are not alone. Unfortunately, there are hundreds of us out there. It amazes me the number of people that have come into my life over the past few months, who have gone through the same thing. Have lived through this nightmare and reached the other side. We will too!!

dontstop posted 6/24/2013 09:12 AM

Dawn58,

I agree that it is amazing how many people have gone through this in so many ways. And I feel for each and every person here. In my real life, I do not have anyone face-to-face who has gone through this so I come here to talk to those and read from the library as well as others' posts to try to understand it all.

I cannot believe the OW in your situation did that on FB to you with the "pig". It makes me want to scream. I'm sorry that this has happened to you too. When they things like that are on the internet, it's like it is frozen in time to torture us over and over.

dontstop posted 6/24/2013 09:17 AM

TheClimb,

I'm very happy to hear that you have found a way to live through this. I need to hear that too. I bet you are much stronger and certainly more secure having gone through this. My WS has continues to take steps like cleaning out his FB of anything he posted with her while deployed to earn my trust again. One thing I know is that I can't spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. We both use Facebook to keep in touch with so many people. And I have to admit that I do love him still. I ask myself should I trust my heart or head?

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/24/2013 10:01 AM

You should trust both. You don't have to decide anything today, so take LOTS of time to figure out how in synch your heart and your head are.

I think that curiosity is natural and try to be easy on myself--I still check out the OW on FB. I don't know why and it doesn't help me heal. It has gotten much less frequent the last week or so. I try not to give her any of my energy.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/24/2013 11:20 AM

You know what I told my husband? She was a divorced single mom and deployed with nothing to lose.

LOL...except maybe her pride and her dignity (which she apparently had no problem tossing aside.)

dontstop posted 6/24/2013 17:27 PM

WeepingBuddhist,

I like how you said you try not to give her your energy. That is a good way of looking at it. I still look at her on FB here and there, but I will try to stop as I know it will not help anything. You're also right that I am curious. I need to know what made her so special to him. Thank you.

dontstop posted 6/24/2013 17:28 PM

NeverAgain2013,

Lol, yep, she did lose that!

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/25/2013 09:22 AM

ugh, the only thing that made her "special" is that she was willing to participate in your spouse's deceit and betrayal. A real gift these OW have that, thank goodness, I seem to lack.

1Faith posted 6/25/2013 09:35 AM

It makes complete sense. You are trying to understand how the unfathomable has happened. You need to try to make sense of it all and put the pieces of the puzzle together. This is completely NORMAL

You want to understand why he chose to cheat with her? Why he risked so much, and disrespected you for her?

You are hurting and what to fill in the gaps regarding the timeline of this occurring.

Some will disagree, but if you think it will help you move forward I think you should reach out to her and simply ask the questions you want to know from her point of view. How did it happen? How could you think it was okay? Does she realizes the harm and despair she caused? If nothing else it might make you feel better letting her know that you know and how you feel.

Devout Christian, please? Yes, we are all sinners and we all make mistakes but don't pull that label out to lessen the severity of their choices. A true Christian doesn't knowingly and willingly commit adultery.

Bigger question is what is your husband prepared to do to ensure he never makes the choice to cheat again? Is he prepared to go to counseling to understand why he allowed himself to cheat in the first place? The most important part of reconciliation is the WS showing honest remorse and doing whatever the BS needs them to do to help them heal.

Good luck to you and follow your instinct. Do what you need to do to move forward.

(((hugs and prayers)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:36 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

dontstop posted 6/25/2013 09:59 AM

WeepingBuddhist,

I'm lacking in that specialty too. I wanted to add that when my WS told me at first about the whole thing, he said that "she was a lot like me" and I said NO WAY. I said she is nothing like me because I would never participate in breaking up a family and marital relationship of 11 years knowingly. My WS now has realized how wrong it was to say something like that.

dontstop posted 6/25/2013 10:21 AM

1Faith,

It really is like fitting the pieces of the puzzle together. Those questions that you put in your post are so very accurate. You see, my husband has always been a good man, loving father, hard worker, etc. So when this happened, it was just heartbreaking. I suppose if I made a terrible decision that affected innocent people, I would say things like I was a good Christian who was once cheated on too and want to "help" the couple. It's only human for me to judge, but it seems like her conscience got to her after their night of fun at my expense ended. I'm a sinner too. But let me go ahead and explain how I show my worth as a Christian.

She is raising her two kids by herself. In the military now, they are kicking people out for having punitive actions in their record. While I was "living in the moment" with my anger, I could have reported her since she is in the military. At best, she would have lost her ability to get promoted. That means money. At worst, she would have lost her career. That means her babies would not have dental care, medical care, a roof over their heads, food on the table, etc. That is what I thought of. I didn't report her so that her children would be protected. When she was "living in the moment" she ripped my whole damn life apart. That's my interpretation of what being a "good" person, let alone a Christian, means to me. But I don't mean to turn this into a religious thing either.

As for my WS, he has been very remorseful and transparent. He's been doing everything to let me know what he did was unacceptable and that he'll never do it again. He's willing to do counseling, test for STD's though he said he used protection, etc. He said every minute that I am suffering, he is going to suffer with me because he caused it. It even hurts to write this out!

I've recently tried to delete anything on the internet that makes me feel bad. I can always go to her FB page...if I want to torture myself. So far, he's given so many details that I have a picture in my head. Though it is painful, it is helpful. I'm glad to hear that is normal.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/26/2013 08:35 AM

dontstop--sent you a PM

ErinD posted 6/26/2013 20:07 PM

I have and continue to do the same thing. I wish I could stop checking her page but I just can't help myself. I must say it has gotten less frequent I also went over WS Facebook page when i first found out so I could see their posts to each other.
What I find so hard is she seems like a nice person. Her friends care for her and she for them. We like many of the same things. I could have been friends with her I think. I have to fight back writing something nasty to her on her page outing her for the POS HW she is.

sunshine226 posted 6/26/2013 21:45 PM

OW's cover photo is of my WH and her son, been up since last August, I asked her to remove it because if my DD sees it she will be very upset, WH told me he told her to remove it, then in November DD saw it and sent OW a very nasty message on FB, still the pic remained, January I asked her why she didnt remove it, she said that one night her and WH were talking about it and her son got very upset about it. If that pic meant so much to the son, why isnt it on his profile (this kid is 10 and his bio dad has never been in his life)

OW still has pic there and wont take it down, her way of sticking it to me and my kids I guess and WH is too afraid of her to insist she remove it, she's the boss in their relationship, I know this just from conversations i have had the misfortune of having with OW

Last conversation consisted of her telling me that WH wasnt allowed to come here anymore, not to spend the night in here without her (we live 2 hours apart, THANK GOD!!!)

Instead of being a 47 year old man, she treats him like a child, like her personal property, but WH stays with her, but at the expense of greying and thinning hair!!!!!! He has aged so much since he met OW!!!!!!!!!!!