Do I Have To Be Nice To People Who Are Mean To Me?

In the narcissistic family, it's all about image. The focus is usually on "how it looks to others." This can cause troops of people pleasers and encourage behavior that is not authentic. When children are told to "put a smile on that pretty little face," or "people don't like children who cry," or "throw back those shoulders and act like everything is ok," something gets damaged in the child. The message translates into "don't be real," and "don't have feelings." A primary internalized impression found in children raised by narcissists is: "You are valued for what you do and how it looks, versus who you are as a person."

If a child spends extensive childhood energy attempting to gain love, approval, and acceptance from a narcissistic parent who cannot provide it, that child learns the ingrained behavior of people pleasing. The result is disturbing because it creates co-dependency and even an extreme tolerance for aberrant behavior in others. When others are mean, the adult child of narcissistic parents transforms into the one who takes the blame, apologizes, and feels "they" must be nice. They ultimately even end up trying to fix the problem. The hurt is there, but is accepted and taken anyway, because they have learned they cannot expect anything else. Common phrases heard from the co-dependent are "I'm fine" and "I'm sorry." The message carried from childhood is that everyone is supposed to like you. Well... do you like everyone "you" meet?

Isn't it true that at least fifty percent of the people you meet... you might not really like? You may not choose to take them home as your best friend or to meet your children and family? They may not be your kind of folk, or they may have different beliefs and values from you. You don't have intense negativity towards them, but they might not be "best friend material" for you or your family. So, why would it not be true that at least fifty percent of the people you meet, may not like you? This can be a relief to those who believe that every single person must like them. It can lift the weight of trying to please everyone, which results in the ultimate journey of impossible endeavors.

So, do we have to be nice to people who are mean to us? What do we do? Do we have to expend significant energy to make it better? Do we have to continue to people please?The answer lies in knowing that you are worthy and deserve to be treated kindly by others. You do not have to put up with mean, cruel or abusive behavior from anyone. You can learn to set boundaries and draw your line in the sand. This is what I will accept and this is what I will not accept. You are worth it to take good care of yourself in this manner. If you don't, who will?

Does this mean you will be hurtful or ugly back to others who are mean people? No, there is no need for this when you are taking good care of yourself. If you are living your most creative life, doing what you want to do, enjoying the environment you have created for yourself, you are much less worried about what others think. You can stay away from the mean and ugly and focus on you and your own sense of self and recovery. Seeking revenge or staying in the victim role are no longer viable options. You simply remove yourself, draw boundaries, and take care of you. You realize that not everyone will think like you and that is okay. You become more tolerant of others and the concept of difference but you know that you control whom you hang out with and what you will be willing to do. There is no longer a need to blame or be angry because you are in control of you. In your loving and close relationships, you will more easily be able to talk through issues that come up with new found confidence in resolution.

We all know that when others are cruel or mean, it is about them and whatever is going on for them. But, many are still at risk of letting others define them, and giving away control. This surrender can allow others to make you feel awful, rejected and miserable. But, remember, we can't take counsel from the wounded. We define us. There is amazing freedom in this elementary wisdom. Wayne Dyer, in his first published work, speaks of what happy people look like. He so aptly says, "They are too busy being to notice what their neighbors are doing." In a narcissistic culture today where the focus is glamour glitzed with sparkle, image, and desire for external validation, there is comfort to be found in the beauty of you. The real you. Your internal validation is your defining moment. As the late Eleanor Roosevelt reminds, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." How refreshingly simple.

This really hit home for me. I have said, "I'm sorry" at least a million times in my life when I hadn't done anything wrong, simply because I was taught by my mother that looking good to others was all that mattered. I grew up socially phobic, people-pleasing, and attracted to abusive men. I lost the ability to identify my feelings because all feelings were considered bad - even good ones. It's only been recently that I've been able to look at someone who's angry and realize that it has nothing to do with me. Dr. McBride's book has made a huge difference in my life, and so has my Al-anon sponsor, who told me that 10% of the people I meet will like me no matter what, 10% will dislike me no matter what, and 80% will be completely indifferent to me. It made me realize that thinking that everyone had to like me and think I was such a sweet person, was the reason I was so paralyzed and depressed. What really matters is that old Ricky Nelson lyric: You can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself.

I think it is a potentially destructive and freak accident of Nature to be born a Clairsentient Empathic to a Narcissistic Family. Another reason for co-dependency is feeling too much and taking on the energies of others without being conscious of it, like a whipping boy:

Saying "I'm sorry" is my life, it certainly seems. I am a married mom of 2 teens, I teach several classes at a local community college and 2 years ago, started a small business. I apologize for everything - mainly for being the worst person on the planet over everything that I should do that doesn't get done.

I recently said yes to being secretary for a local Kiwanis club. I'm already apologizing for a poorly done job that hasn't even started yet.

I have recently discovered Dr. McBride's book - and the NM in my life. It all makes perfect sense to me now. I think this will be a huge uphill battle for me. I want to be happy with me - be in a happy marriage and break the cycle of potentially passing this horrible behavior on to my kids.

Cheers to finally recognizing what my problem is... now comes the tough part.

It's amazingly helpful & comforting to be finding that so many other women have been injured in this way...

Growing up the daughter of an NM can feel so isolating!! ~~ & like Dr. McBride states, our culture glamorizes the "mother" role & ignores the fact that many mothers didn't receive, & therefore cannot give.... that most precious of gifts; unconditional love!

There are support groups for victims of so many other issues, but not this 1!