Tag Archive | "Roger"

Time travel

Samoa skipped last Friday entirely, and landed on the other side of the International Date Line. They are only about 10 miles from it. They wanted to be in sync with Australia and other populated areas closer to them.
On February 29, 1948, I was on a ship heading home from Korea. It was leap year, so we had an extra day. That night we crossed the date line and it was February 29 all over again. So, 30 days hath February. My first and only.

Out of tune

Submitted by a correspondent:
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently a funeral director asked me to play at the graveside service for a homeless man with no family. It was to be held at a paupers’ cemetery way out in the country. Not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
An hour late, I finally arrived and saw that evidently the funeral guy had gone. The hearse was nowhere in sight. Only the diggers and crew were left, and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and called out an apology to the men for being late. I walked over to the graveside, looked down, and saw the vault lid already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches. I played heart and soul for that man with no family or friends. As I played “Amazing Grace,” the workers started to weep. In fact, we all wept together. Finally I packed up my bagpipes and headed for my car with a full heart.
As I opened the car door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothing like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Sweet stop

Another reader contribution:
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped in Kansas by a state trooper for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandma’s delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.
“Nothing,” the trooper said. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies.”

On the move

A young man was a slow worker and found it hard to hold down a job. On one of his visits to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later in the day the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing. He found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open.
“Where are the tortoises?” he asked.
“I can’t believe it,” said the new employee. “I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!”

Happy New Year!
I intend that to mean for the whole year, not just January 1. May 2012 be a year of blessings for all of us.
Our first day of the year is related to the Gregorian calendar, named after Pope Gregory. If you don’t like this one, the Julian calendar places New Year’s Day on Jan. 14. Throughout the world, people observe other dates, mostly related to religion. Pope Gregory picked this date based on Jesus’ birth on Dec. 25 and baptism on Jan. 1. It could get complicated.
I think Adam and Eve celebrated because they saw the days getting longer and the sun coming back.

Antique story
A little boy opened the big family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages, one after another. As he turned them, something fell out. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages.
“Mom, look what I found!” he called out.
“What do you have there, dear?” his mother asked. With excitement the boy exclaimed, “It’s Adam’s suit!”

Church story
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally his big sister had had enough and gave him the elbow. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church!”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?’ Joel answered.
Angie pointed to the back of the church. “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers!”

Sew-sew story
A pretty girl stepped up to the fabric counter and said, “I’d like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the young male clerk.
“Fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
Smirking, the clerk measured out the cloth and wrapped it. Then he held it out teasingly.
The girl smiled, took the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, and said, “Grandpa, pay the man.”

Deer Tick Warning
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but this one is real, and it’s important. So, please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, Do not do it! It is a scam. They only want to see you naked.
I wish I’d gotten this information yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

Living well
Hey, old folks. I’m celebrating my good health! I’ve noticed that lots of people in the obituaries didn’t make it to my age. So far I’ve had no hip or knee replacements. No sign of cancer yet. Not one of the myriad diseases that creep up on us and bring us to the end. Except for that little kidney problem, which dialysis takes care of with an inconvenience I’d call minor for my age. It’s good to be here.

However…
If my body were a car, this is the time I’d be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull. My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
My traction isn’t as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
The worst of it is, my fuel rate burns inefficiently. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. And don’t expect me to start up before noon.

Driving, No. 1
A couple, traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking a 30 to 45 mph crosswind, came to a tollbooth. “What do you people in Kansas do when the wind quits?” asked the driver.
The tollbooth attendant didn’t miss a beat: “We take the rocks out of our pockets.”

Driving, No. 2
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone, within the legal speed limit, when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again and even more slowly. Another flash. He did it for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
“These settings must be screwed up,” the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt.

Driving, No. 3
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. “Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”
So the next day they all drive away right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband playing patty cake with the female boss. The blonde quietly sneaks out of the house and drives back home at her normal time.
The next day the brunette says, “That was fun. We should do it again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”

Get smart
Public pressure on Washington finally did the trick. Members of Congress faced reality. In other words, they got nervous that they wouldn’t be re-elected next time if they didn’t shape up and pass the debt bill. So, the immediate crisis is put to rest, although a true resolution has been put off.

Our government still spends more than its income. Much of it consists of unavoidable obligation—interest on government bonds and other debt, for example. But our government’s optional spending calls for close inspection. We the people must decide what we really want, and elect accordingly. Surely we’re able to see past sleazy political rhetoric. Our choices may involve the dread taxation for somebody, but there are governmental programs that are worth it. Let’s get smart.

Not so smart
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy’s checkbook, Mike made a deal with her: he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, “I’ve done it! I made it balance!”

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. “Let’s see—mortgage $550.00, electricity $70.50, phone, $35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here, ESP $615. What the heck is that?”

“Oh, that,” she said. “It means, Error Some Place.”

That smarts
His wife has been missing a week now. Police told him to prepare for the worst. So he’s gone to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

Smart comeback
A wife says to her husband: You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”

Smart aleck
For three days all I heard from my Texas visitor was stuff like, in Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest something else, etc. It became annoying.

Being from Niagara Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the Mighty Niagara, knowing nothing in Texas could compare to this wonder.

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him, “Do you have anything like this in Texas?”

He waited a moment before he answered: “No, but we have a plumber who could fix it.”

Down with government?
No taxes, no government. This notion has taken hold in some circles. In my opinion, the idea has a few flaws.
If nobody in town had to pay taxes we’d have to do without water, sewer and roads. Not paying taxes would leave your budget with more money for steak and designer jeans, but, whoa – the street is off-limits for you, buddy, unless you pay a hefty toll fee to the private owner. If your house catches fire, better have your credit card handy because there would be a service call charge, an hourly charge for each fireman, mileage fees, water charges, and hose usage. That’s plan A. Your fire is out. But if you want the firemen to save people or pets from the building, you have to buy plan B from the owner of the fire department. (No taxes, though.)
Check the city budget. Try online for a summary of where the money goes. It’s clear to me that we need government. It’s the most cost-efficient way to get the things we need. Why government and not private providers? Because government doesn’t have to make a profit.
Taxes save us money. You read it here.Be prepared
Two elderly women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One said, “You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live that way all your life?”
“Yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
“I don’t get it,” said the other. “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”
“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”Mom joke, No. 1
My mother and I were walking down the street when a man with a clipboard stopped us. “I’m taking a survey,” he said. “Do you think there is too much sex in movies?”
“I’m not sure,” replied my mother. “I’m usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing.”Mom joke, No. 2
A young man finds his dream girl and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiancée. Wanting to make a bit of a game out of it, he says he’ll bring the girl over with two others and see if his mother can guess which is his choice. His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.
After the three have departed, the young man says, “Okay, Mom, which one was the girl I want to marry?”
Without any hesitation, his mother replies, “The one in the middle.”
The young man is astounded. “How in the world did you figure it out?”
“Easy,” she says. “I don’t like her.”

Retribution

Terrorists who threaten “retribution” because we killed Osama bin Laden have short memories. When I think of retribution, I think of 3,000 innocent people killed in the World Trade Center. I think of those who died in Washington on the same day. I think of those in a field in Pennsylvania. And I think of the tens of thousands of human beings, military and civilian, dead or maimed because of bin Laden’s plans. He wanted to destroy Western civilization, especially America. Well, we’re still here and he’s gone.
Presidential candidate Donald Chump will no doubt demand the “long form” death certificate for Osama. (Donald is not my favorite candidate!)

Stimulating

The economic stimulus checks we Americans have received are puzzling to some. Puzzle no more. I’ll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government sends to taxpayers.
Q. Where does the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government gives us back our own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of these payments?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Commanding

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her six- and seven-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of five) answered, “Thou shall not kill!”

Budgeting

A man saw a friend at a table in the bar, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he commented, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in February,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then, in March,” the friend continued with a tear in his eye, “my father died, leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? That’s incredibly sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, beginning to sob, “nothing!”

Last words

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. In my office, I have a work station…

Mad

Even some of those who voted “Snyder” last November now seem to be mad at the Governor. Personally, I think all the gnashing and growling and demonstrating just lets off steam, and I doubt 1.5 million people will petition to recall him. High-level elected officials aren’t often recalled. Some constituents remain supportive no matter what happens, and the masses are indifferent.

More mad

“The Donald” must be a bit mad (British term for crazy) to make such a fuss over the President’s birth certificate. It didn’t reflect well on Trump. Hawaii has now released to the public the long form birth certificate, despite the state’s official policy of not doing that.
Was there ever really any doubt about where President Obama was born? At least two Honolulu newspapers ran birth announcements at the time: “A son to Mr. and Mrs. Barack Obama….” Even the name of the hospital appeared. That’s hard to explain, unless, of course, the President was indeed born in Hawaii on August 4, 1961, just as his birth certificate said all along.
Is Donald Trump serious about running for President? If so, should we insist on a copy of his IQ test?

Fish story

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks: If you’re diving and are approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard as possible. And, “If this doesn’t work, beat the shark in the face with your stump.”

Fish story #2

A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when the game warden jumped out of the bushes. One of the boys threw down his rod and started running through the woods, the game warden hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath. The game warden caught up to him. “Let’s see yer fishin’ license, boy!” he said.
The boy pulled out his wallet and handed the warden a valid fishing license.
“Well, son,” said the warden, “you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks. You don’t have to run from me if you have a license.”
“Yes, sir,” said the boy, “but my friend back there? He never bothered to buy one.”

Blonde joke #1283

A blonde man went to his boss’s costume party unclothed but with a woman on his back.
“What on earth are you supposed to be?” asked the boss.
“I’m a snail,” the man replied.
“What a bunch of nonsense,” said the boss. “How can you be a snail when all you have is that woman on your back?”
“This is no nonsense,” the man replied. “That’s Michelle.”

Governing

I see the Legislature has gotten rid of the law that all products on the shelf must have a price label. I look at those all the time and now they will be gone. I suspect prices will go up!
I also see that the law makes it impossible for us to have a Referendum on the issue. If we don’t like the law, too bad.

Letter to God

I noticed that my dog had written some letters to God on my computer.
“Dear God, is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
“Dear God, when we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
“Dear God, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
“Dear God, Let me give you a list of things I must remember to be a good dog:
I will not eat the cat’s food before they eat it or after they throw it up. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like their smell. Sticking my nose into some ones crotch is not an acceptable way of saying ‘Hello.’ The cat is not a ‘squeaky’ toy so when I play with it and it makes that noise; it’s usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God, when I get to Heaven may I have all of my forgotten buried bones back?”
The dog’s e-mail came back with this message: “God does not accept e-mail, only prayers.”

In charge

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director,” said his wife.

Well-aged

Here’s a part of aging I like: For people my age, a good-sized chunk of history is within our living memory. I personally remember some of the Great Depression and all of WWII, including war bonds, ration stamps, VE Day and VJ Day.

Although not around for the Wright brothers’ first airplane flight, I was already approaching middle age by the time Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon.

I remember walking to first grade. The newest cars that passed me that day were 1934 models. Looking back, it seems like a scene from a period movie.

Famous people, now passed on, were alive and working during the lifetimes of us old folks. Robert B. Parker and Dick Francis, two of my favorite authors, are gone now. I remember a young Joe DiMaggio, as well as Fess Parker, Peter Graves, Art Linkletter, Ernie Harwell, Jimmy Dean, Mitch Miller, Eddie Fisher, and Bob Feller.

Local people I knew for decades remain alive in my memory. Clarence Blakeslee is a treasured example.

People my age have a seasoned view of the world. I’m happy with my memories and recommend old age for everybody.

The blonde is back

“How come you’re late?” asks the bartender when the blonde waitress comes through the door.

“It was awful,” she explains. “I was walking down Elm Street and saw a terrible accident. A man got thrown from his car. He was lying in the street with a broken leg and a fractured skull and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.”

“What did you do?” asks the bartender.

“I sat right down,” says the blonde, “and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

Personnel management

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After the background checks and testing, three candidates remained: two men and one woman.

For the final hurdle, the CIA agents took one of the men to a metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what. Inside this room you’ll find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

“You can’t be serious,” said the man. “I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replied, “You’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He went into the room with the gun. All was quiet for five minutes. Then he came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried,” he said, “but I can’t kill my wife.”

“You don’t have what it takes,” said the agent.

It was the woman’s turn. She was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots rang out. The agents outside heard screaming, crashing, banging on the wall. Then all was quiet. The door opened and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

The optimism dept.

The longer I live here the happier I am with this country. We have citizens from all over the world, churches too numerous to count, and the Irish don’t shoot the Poles and the Methodists don’t blow up the Baptists.
I don’t agree with every decision of the governor, Congress, or the Supreme Court, but our system works.
We are pleased that the Egyptians are getting democracy on their own. We wish it could be universal. However, America can’t afford to force it on every despot in the world. The Middle East, Africa, and parts of South America still need reform for the good of their people. I hope we’ll let them do it on their own.
And, continuing to look on the bright side… spring is near!

Medical dept.

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Somebody call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.
Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that… uh… that… uh… thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Darn, there go the lights again.
You know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of them…”
Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing off my concentration.
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

Mars and Venus dept.

He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said: We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said: A widow.
He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
She said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
He said: They already have boyfriends.