What are we learning every time there is a school shooting?

Nicki Winingham and her son Logan, 14, a freshman at Arapahoe High School, pray together at a signs of support along a fence at the school in Centennial Monday. (RJ Sangosti, The Denver Post)

By Kristen RaceGuest Commentary

Every time there is a school shooting, I start to feel a little bit nauseated. My sister is a high school math teacher, so I immediately scramble to find out where the all too frequent horrid event has occurred. Her school is just a few miles away from where Friday’s shooting unfolded, but it doesn’t matter how close or how far — we are all horrified, sick to our stomachs and continue to wonder, why?

I was 2,000 miles away from Connecticut the afternoon of the Sandy Hook shooting a year ago, but I remember it vividly. I picked my young son up from school and hugged his small body, thinking of the families that would
not be hugging their own child in Newtown that afternoon, or any afternoon. In the days that followed, I took solace in the hope that after such a tragedy, we would make changes necessary to end the devastating school shootings that continue to haunt our communities year after year.

Here we are, a year later. The Newtown tragedy was the deadliest of 2012, but overall there were 10 school shootings that left a total of 41 people dead and 13 wounded. This year has been even more deadly than last, with eight school shootings occurring in the month of January alone and a total of 20 so far.

In response to school shootings, we enact zero tolerance policies; pass federal and state-wide anti-bullying laws; lock school doors; install security cameras; practice lockdown drills; hire armed guards to protect our children; and have even considered requiring teachers to carry lethal weapons. Yet all of our efforts have failed to stop students from growing up to become mass murderers. Why?

As a culture, we have chosen to spend our time and resources on responses to violence and bullying rather than creating school cultures and climates that make children feel connected, safe and welcome. Millions have been spent over the past decade on interventions for students who engage in bullying and violent behavior, yet programs that help children develop emotional awareness, empathy and compassion remain low priority. Further, our home lives
are increasingly characterized as disconnected, disengaged and stressful.

We spend too much time and money dealing with the outcome of bullying and violence, and too little time and money preventing this behavior from occurring in the first place. No amount of lockdown practice or school security is going to protect our children from a person intent on doing harm. Instead, we must foster climates in which this type of behavior is unlikely to occur in the first place.

When we drop our children off at school, we hope they enter into a community that is safe, welcoming and nurturing. To build such a community, our educators must model and teach empathy, kindness and compassion in the classroom, and families need to reinforce those values at home. In order to prevent bullying and violence among
children, we must teach them to be aware of their own emotions and of the emotions of others. They need strategies to overcome adversity when things feel dire. Additionally, we must consider as a society what it means to engage with one another and the negative — even dangerous — impact on young people who grow up lacking true, authentic
connections to the people who matter most in their lives.

Those of us who study child development and brain science are particularly concerned with the trends we see today. Our culture is over-scheduled, over-stimulated, and disconnected. We have created a generation of kids who are stressed out, lack problem-solving skills and strategies for regulating their emotions and communicate better
with screens than with people. Children today have fewer opportunities to sit with discomfort and they never learn to cope with boredom, agitation, or restlessness. Instead, we have taught them to distract themselves the moment an unpleasant emotion arises. The part of their brain responsible for problem solving, empathy, decision-making, and attention remains dormant as the video game, smart phone or TV stimulates part of their brain that preps them to fight or flea at any sign of unfamiliarity. Children no longer develop the vital skills necessary not only to solve problems, but also to interact with others in a healthy and empathic way.

This skill continues to develop as children experience relationships throughout their childhood. Empathy
is teachable. When it is not taught and practiced, the empathetic part of the brain does not develop which can lead to bullying and violent behavior.

We must tend to the healthy development of children’s emotional intelligence in the same way we do their academic growth, and it starts with our own behavior. Adults need to put away our laptops, phones and tablets and look our children in the eyes when we speak to them. We need to model compassion, empathy and respect for others with as much vigor as we teach reading, writing and math. As parents, we need to stop projecting images of perfection and start asking for help when we have concerns about our children. As a culture, we must put down our phones and seek out meaningful connections with each other through face-to-face interactions.

We will never prevent all future school shootings, but we can provide healthy, nurturing environments in which our children can develop the critical skills to grow and understand their emotions. We can be intentional about the messages we send to the young people in our lives about how to embody kindness, compassion and empathy. If we can
help one troubled teen to consider the feelings of his potential victims, or prevent one family from having to experience the loss of a six-year-old child then wouldn’t our efforts be worth it?

How you can stand up for change:

1. Start with your own family. Dedicate time to strengthen bonds with your kids. Establish family rituals. Commit to having family dinners. Spend time with your kids individually on a regular basis. Establish strong communication patterns while your kids are young, and don’t be afraid to seek outside counsel when you don’t feel like your efforts are enough.

2. If you have concerns about a relative or friend’s child, speak up and offer to help. Let them know that you have noticed a change in their child, or that you are concerned and would like to help. Sometimes kids can be more open with a family member or good friend than with their own parents.

3. Advocate for programs that teach children how to recognize their own thoughts and emotions and how their behaviors can influence the thoughts and emotions of others. There are many very effective programs across the country that focus on teaching empathy and compassion. We need to prioritize our focus on these initiatives to
create school climates where children feel safe, included, and ready to learn.

Kristen Race is a Colorado native, parent of two young children, and an expert in child, family and school psychology. Dr. Race is the founder of Mindful Life, which provides brain-based solutions for today’s families as they try to manage the stresses of modern day parenting.

What happened to
her
was more than what she was,
yet what she was…
brave,
beloved by friends and parents,
on her way to becoming
a priceless
woman,
mother, wife, professional, citizen,
was plenty.
Would have
been
plenty.
When we lost Claire
we lost whole worlds,
present and
future.

She lived in a state, a city,
where thundersticks
are
sold
everywhere, no questions asked,
to the mad,
massacres
in high
schools, theaters, churches,
are as regular
as the seasons,
and many
Coloradans
value
their Bushmasters
over the lives
of their
children.

Vincent Carroll is The Denver Post's editorial page editor. He has been writing commentary on politics and public policy in Colorado since 1982 and was originally with the Rocky Mountain News, where he was also editor of the editorial pages until that newspaper gave up the ghost in 2009.

Guidelines: The Post welcomes letters up to 150 words on topics of general interest. Letters must include full name, home address, day and evening phone numbers, and may be edited for length, grammar and accuracy.

To reach the Denver Post editorial page by phone: 303-954-1331

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