Need help with a male coworker. Long, sorry

I’ll start this by saying that I have a lot of male friends/acquaintances and have rarely had a problem. I fully believe in platonic male/female friendships and so does my fiance. In the type of work I’m in, I meet a lot of people and my job can be pretty social at times and I’m a pretty friendly and outgoing type of person. I usually talk to everyone.

With that said, I’m having issues with a guy at work. I can’t go to HR about this and I don’t really want to do what my fiance suggests, which is tell the guy to fuck off. My go-to work/career advice friend just started a new job today so I won’t bother her. So, I need some help from you ladies!

I work with this guy who is a couple of offices away from me and kind of in the same department. I have to work with him quite a bit. He is mid 40’s and has a wife and child (although when I first met him I definitely thought he was gay, he’s very… flamboyant). He always has seemed like a super nice guy and we get along, but lately I’m feeling a little uncomfortable and I’m feeling like he’s overstepping his boundaries a bit. He knows I’m engaged and there is absolutely ZERO attraction or anything on my side, nothing at all. Not a damn thing. He’s just someone to talk to in order to make the work day better.

As a side note, I rarely associate with work people outside of work. Of course I have some friends who I have made through working but for the most part, especially since I’m in HR, I try to keep work friendships at work.

So… back to the “situation”

Last Thursday me and him made plans to check out a new coffee place near the office at lunchtime on Friday. Friday morning came and I decided to leave work at 11 since it was the long weekend. I went to tell him that I couldn’t make it for coffee but he wasn’t in his office so I left a note on his monitor. I apologized and put that I decided to head out early, told him to have a great long weekend and coffee is on me next week.

I came into work yesterday and he saw me in the morning and I could tell he was visibly pissed off. I asked him what was wrong and he said “I can’t believe you ditched me like that on Friday. We had plans and you just left a note for me. Ugh, I can’t even talk to you”. He wasn’t joking and I thought that was a little bit of overkill, I mean, it was coffee with a coworker! Either way, I felt bad so later on in the day I said I was going to Starbucks and offered him one and he said “you owe me like 10 after Friday” and then said that my dress looks good and I should dress in things like that more often. Then he said he will come with me. I didn’t know what to say so he came with me and he started telling me how marriage is hard and how sometimes he wishes had a hot, young wife. WHAT?!

Right away I felt SUPER uncomfortable when he said the dress comment but then the rest of this just made my skin crawl! There was just something about the way he everything that I didn’t like, as well as the actual content of what he was saying. Not to mention I feel the way he’s acting about the whole coffee thing on Friday makes me think that he feels that this is more than just a regular work friendship.

Today, he has already stopped by my office and asked me if I want to go for lunch. I said I have plans and he asked what and since I actually don’t have plans, I panicked a little and just made up that I have to go to the mall. He said he loves the mall and he will come with me.

I don’t want him to come with me, back to the skin crawling feeling! I’m going to tell him something came up and I’m meeting an old friend or something instead because I really don’t want him to come with me.

So my question for you ladies is… how would you handle this?? I have to be very careful because I do have quite a bit of work that I have to do with him and I think it could make things difficult if I upset him, plus I really don’t want to insult or hurt someone. And, like I previously mentioned, complaining to HR (or any other higher power) is out. Any suggestions??

First, Stop making plans to do things with him, and offering to get him starbucks.. Those are things that give people the idea that you are friends and you obviously dont want to be his friend. be polite, corgial and not akward but you dont owe him any thing. Keep all of your conversations to very surface things. Remember hes your co-worker, not your firend.

You can end the situation about the mall with a simple “I think im going to go alone.” He doesnt just get to come with you in YOUR car because he feels like it.

and frankly if you dont say something becuase you dont want to be akward or hurt feelings, its your fault.

Boundaries are extremely important and he isnt going to set them so its up to you. You might not have a lot of best guy friends in your office but you will have respect. I work in the “corportae world” and have to deal with this on a daily basis. You have to make your boundaries clear and stick to them. Sometimes its hard not to get caught up in the whole friend vs coworker thing but really, you dont need friends at work, especially ones that make you uncomfortable.

Make notes about what has happened so far in case he makes any false allegations about you coming on to him. Make sure they are dated so you can prove you didn’t make them up after the fact. You can easily do this by sending them to yourself in an email.

Then, DRAW THE LINE IN THE SAND FOR HIM. Stop trying to be a nice girl. No coffee, no lunch, no shopping together. He will always misinterpret any kind of social contact whatsoever.

From now on, if he tries to make plans with you, just tell him you have something “personal” to do, and leave it at that. You don’t have to give him a rundown of what you’re doing on break. Or, you could just say, “No, thanks” when he asks you out to lunch.

Don’t offer to do stuff with him. If he invites you to do stuff, tell him you don’t want to. If he insists, tell him that you have a lot on your plate. If he gets weird, look at him straight in the eye, and just say, ‘no’- you don’t have to be mean about it, but you do have to be firm. Start hanging out with other people in the office more, and only hang out with your coworker if it’s in a group. If he talks about his wife/home life, talk about how much you love your FI. Maybe have your FI stop by/pick you up more often.

You don’t have to be best office buds with him- you just have to work with him.

@orchidaloha: Is he your supervisor? If not, then I would put together a carefuly worded email letting him know his comments made you feel uncomfortable and that you would prefer to keep things professional with coworkers. Make sure to include the specific phrases he used. By doing this you are putting him on notice of the inappropriate behavior and by saving a date/time stamped copy for yourself, you have something to show HR at a later date if his behavior becomes more inappropriate. Oh, and don’t tell him where you are going in the future when he asks. I wouldn’t invite him along on anything or allow him to invite himself along either. If you couch things in terms of “professionalism” he should get the point and get over it. He will only push the boundaries of your work relationship if you let him. There is nothing wrong with telling him no and that his behavior makes you uncomfortable.

Eh guys, what a weirdo! ckearly he has different reasons than you in majntaning this friendship. I don’t think you did anything wrong sfrom what you’ve said so this guy is just being overly pushy in hopes of getting you into bed .

does this guy actually work for the same company? I thought you said he worked few offices away but then how could you walk into his office and vice versa. If its a dufferebt company ,first start by not going into their offuces all together. If its same company its little trickier to cut ties without too much fallout.

I think the ‘adult’ thing would be to ask him to speak in private ,but that you don’t have time to go out just need a few min. Simply tell him thst while you valued his friendship some of his commenst have made you feel uncomfortable, that your thinking maybe he’s thinking that the relationship is more than friendship. apoligize that if you have given him the wrong idea that didnt mean it , that you are happily engaged and not looking for a piece on the side. tell him you have agreement w FI to not speak to opposites sex friends about relationship problems (yours or theirs) and that you are uncomfortable with compromising fi’s trust , that you don’t want to hear about his marital problems .

im sure this guy will get defensive and act like he’d never be interested in you in a million years (though we know he is) I also doubt he’d ever ask you to go for coffee again , or anything else for that matter . Hopefully he isn’t a catty Beeotch and will keep his mouth shut around the office but you know him I don’t. If he’s the type to talk about others be prepared to hear the office rumors and such .

i would just maintain a friendly matter of fact tone , keep it light. If he gets pushy just ignore his comments and keep to your per-determined ‘speech . If he makes comments about your looks ignore them. if he insults you, ignore it. After you say what you need to say tellhim that unfortunately , you are swamped and walk back to your desk. If he doesn’t get the point and asks you out again in future just say NO THANKS , no other excuse needed. If he pesters you for reason just say you don’t want or need to go anywhere thanks anyway. say this every time And hopefully this guy gets the hint.

@vorpalette: Yup, I’m HR. And, my company has a weird setup. I’m the next person to the HR manager and I couldn’t go to her because they don’t deal with these kinds of issues. So I have to deal with this myself.

I have kept records though. I have it all detailed in an HR file in my office.

@mchitt329: He has been here for 8 years. Most people in the company are here 1-2 years.

Thanks for all the advice everyone! He just asked me again about lunch and I said I have stuff to do so I’m going alone, so he asked about tomorrow and I said I’m having lunch with my fiance. I was pretty short with him.

@orchidaloha: I guess I don’t understand why your manager wouldn’t deal with his, nor why he would act liket his to someone in HR.

Aside from talking to your manager, shut him down. Tell him no. Stop offering to get him things. Stop telling him where you’re going. Tell him outright that his behavior is making you uncomfortable and that it needs to stop.

@orchidaloha: I just read your update. Good for you. Just keep saying no. The guy doesn’t know he’s harassing you if you’re offering to get coffee and lunch with him. From now on, when he asks if you want to get coffee, say you’re busy. If he wants to get lunch, you’ve already got plans. Never say yes.

If he doesn’t get the hint and starts whining about how you’re not friends anymore, tell him, “You made a comment about my dress that made me feel uncomfortable, and since you’re married and I’m engaged, I think it’s best to keep our relationship professional.” And stick to it. Don’t let him tell you it’s no big deal or pressure you to spend time with him. You have the right to say no.