Some Peter Crouch Moments

If your child is born on 06-06-06

Christian Parenting Alert!

Freehold, Iowa - A number of panicked Christian ladies across America are scheduled to give birth on June 6th, 2006. This date raises concern among church members since the numbers of that day also identify the son of Satan, the "Beast" from the book of Revelation. No decent, Christian family wants the little red bottom of the devil's spawn perched on a limb of their family tree, taking a dump on the branches below, much less sitting in a high-chair at the dinner table listening in on family prayers while quietly finalizing plans to sodomize mommy with the family vacuum. As such, Landover Baptist Creation Scientists have put together a checklist of recommended actions one should take if their baby is being born or was born on 06-06-06.

Is My Child The Devil's Son?

A Checklist for Christian Mothers

1. Ladies, keep your legs crossed until after midnight. A True Christian™ lady always keeps her knees together -- and June 6 is no time to stop. As your demon child willfully pushes and kicks, causing your lady hole to dilate to the size of a drainage pipe, keep your knees locked together at all times. This will give your demanding child a wonderful, early lesson that he can't always have his way. To underscore this valuable disciplinary message, as the devil child flops around, trying to claw its way out to the human world to do Lucifer's bidding, continue to warble in a loud voice, "La la la la la la la I CAN'T FEEL YOU!"

2. If at all possible, have your Baptist doctor induce the child to be born earlier. The most reliable method known to Creation Science to get a mother to go instantly into labor is to jump in front of her when she least expects it and scare the dickens out of her. If this doesn't prove scary enough, read the Bible to her. Otherwise, FedEx a love processing gift of $2,000 to " Landover Baptist Church , Freehold, Iowa 55369." As soon as your check clears, we will send you information on how to perform a "Creation Birth Reduction." Reduction will cause the mother to give birth two or three days out from her expected due date. If you have a weak stomach, allergies to dried locusts and can not drink human urine, the Reduction is not for you.

3. If the 06-06-06 date can not be avoided, make sure that the child is kept in a chicken cage on the hospital floor, and that there are at least two full grown hogs within four feet of the cage at all times. As a Bible believing Christian, you know that demons and pigs act like the two sides of Velcro when they are around each other (Mark 5:12-13), so keeping them by your newborn's side acts as a Godly safety net. If one of the hogs starts grinning and snorting, prancing about, or just plain acting full of the Devil's business by emptying its bowels all over the hospital floor, get it out to a lake and drown it as soon as humanly possible. And you don't have to be a Christ-killing Jew to know this: Goodness gracious, don't eat the bacon!

4. Make sure you check under your child's testicles for any peculiar markings. For it is not upon the head (as the hell bound Catholics incorrectly believe and, by all other indications, should be the last ones to be wrong in this regard), but rather hidden in the rough skin on the nape under a newborn's tiny tallywhacker, or slightly inside the anal cavity that one should be looking for any signs of the Evil One. Creation Scientists have observed that the so-called "taint" (the disagreeable area between the genitals and the anus) is where demons are most likely to post messages for each other.

6. You might decide (as many Christian families in need have before you) that it is best just to sell your child to the cause of Creation Science. Our laboratory and research center will pay $18 a pound (17 cents a pound for mixed race infants) for any child under the age of 6-months. In making this decision, you can rest assured that you are doing something for the cause of Christendom™. Your family will be helping Creation Scientists better understand Satan's handiwork in early childhood development. This greater understanding will better prepare us in case (God forbid we'd have to suffer) there is a post-tribulational Rapture. If that is ever the case, the more we know about the enemy, the better.

7. Buy an enormous, full Korean wig that cascades thick locks of hair down your back to your waist. June 6, 2006 is no time for a pregnant woman to be walking around looking like a young boy, lest she be mistaken for Mia Farrow.

Urinals

Beer

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

How to Run up a Wall and Flip

Have you ever seen an action hero star or video game character run towards a wall, take a few steps on it, and flip backwards? Did you silently wish to yourself that you could do the same? Believe it or not, while difficult and dangerous, it IS possible to run up a wall and flip. The move is called a "wall flip" and it is part of the increasingly popular sport of Le Parkour (also known as free running or urban running). After plenty of training and experience, here are the steps you can take to complete this incredible (and potentially dangerous) move.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Babe of the Day: Sofia Vergara

The daddy-longlegs who is all an English hero should be

Photo sent in by Conor Devlin.

Peter Crouch may not have slain any dragons, but he is a brighter national symbol than the flag of St George.

Please, enough of the flag. Flying it may be xenophobic, moronic, nationalistic, passionate or tasteless according to your point of view, but the argument is circular and certainly boring. St George needs to be dispatched kindly but firmly to the substitutes' bench as we find a bright new national symbol to unite England this World Cup tide. And yes, in a 6ft 7in striker from Cheshire, we have one.

Bring on Peter Crouch, a 25-year-old daddy-longlegs of a footballer, all limbs and digits and goalscoring nous. He is an outsider who suddenly finds himself to be a near-certain England World Cup substitute and who may even make Sven's starting lineup. He shoots, he scores, he does robotic dancing for Prince William - what more do you want? Continue Reading...

Video of the Day

Bringing Football Into The Bedroom

It seems everyone is trying to cash in on the World Cup, including Germany's biggest erotic retailer Beate Uhse. The chain has brought out an assortment of sex toys including "sporty vibrators", a ball stuffed with lingerie in various team colors, and a sport-themed porno film.

Erotic retailer Beate Uhse, whose brand name is as well known in Germany as Mercedes or Volkswagen, hopes its new range of products will attract World Cup tourists for whom the very German sight of sex shops prominently located in city centers may be a novelty.

Mum of the Year Awards

Unintentionally Gay Music Videos

If you're a "I wish I was young again" person and find yourself watching a lot of VH1 Classics, you may have noticed a few things about your favorite vids that were not so apparent when you first viewed them.

Back in the heyday of MTV some established rock acts made a genuine attempt to be innovative with their videos, trying to break the mold of chintzy special effects, testosterone-filled clichés and the perfunctory live performance. Striving to be completely different, some videos turned out, shall we say, just a bit gay. By "gay" of course, we mean every conceivable meaning of the word. Here are some gems (click song title to watch videos):

This classic clip is hands down the most flamboyantly fabulous rock video ever made. And easily the most hysterical. In addition to stroking on stage with a bunch of guys, Billy liked to wind down alone in cozy pink and white sherbet-colored PJs from the Richard Simmons collection. Once comfortable and feeling the need to express himself, the naughty little rock star snaps and prances and writhes around his fancy, silk-strewn bedroom, tossing off pouty glances and come-hither looks to you… and only you… the lucky viewer. Rock him tonite (sic), won't you?

Spot the Perv

More Colo Colo

This is an away game and the team is about to come out. As you can see that part of the stadium was too small to keep us in. I Bet the other team's goalkeeper was a bit scared. The rap is against our rivals telling them that we own the country and we're at home wherever we go.