Tuesday, June 25, 2013

(In case you caught that tweet on the bottom of the screen last night, nobody worry: I'm not trying to take any credit for that line I put in the title...)

Let’s start with this: before even watching tonight (‘cause it doesn’t come on over here till 8) I was told by my friend Heather Gaines that about the former home of the Third Reich, Dez said “This is just the happiest place on earth!”

…Only one question: was she paid by the German government to say this? And if so, did she get more for that plug than Soldier Boy did, for his appearance on the show? (Again: refuse to dignify his existence by engaging in the terrible spelling of his name…)

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

One on One with Chris (NOT the host)Observations:
- If I had DVR, I would have watched Hare saying the name of that German hotel at least forty five times.

- Miley Cyrus came on the screen at one point, during a commercial break, telling America that she’d be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight and Good Morning America tomorrow. As I sauntered into the kitchen to grab a Pop Tart, I hollered at the screen, “Why does she expect us to stay up with her tonight and get up with her tomorrow morning?! SHE DOESN’T DESERVE ANYTHING.” My roommate Carolyn then pulled up the music video for Miley's new single.

...I refuse to dignify the existence of this atrocity by further comment.

- Chris seems shockingly adept at reading German, even if he can’t translate the date card.

- Dez tried to whine about how they were “so tourist-y,” and once again, Chris shot up the Approval Meter by more or less saying, “Hey maybe it’s not so much the Germany for Dummies book as it is those cameras in front of us…”Aaaaand cue the fumbling, bumbling music as they try to navigate around Munich. Where is Eric Bana right now? (Is it inappropriate that he’s the first person I think of, when I think of Munich?)

- In what could be considered a throw-back to Sean wandering around Prague, yelling out Emily’s name, Bryden proceeds to take matters into his own hands by asking the citizens of this fine city if they’ve seen television cameras around. I find it curious that NO ONE BOTHERS pointing out the FIFTEEN CAMERAS that are probably right behind Bryden.

- The sinister music builds as he approaches them. We see gargoyles. How LONG did the Bachelorette Intern Jacob have to yell “keep doing the dosey-do! Bryden hasn’t made contact yet!” Meanwhile Carolyn finally threw up her hands and said, "I'm glad Bryden is doing this. I'm glad he's stopping this dancing that's happening right now."

- Chris doesn’t know what to think about Bryden’s interruption. Neither do the birds that are pecking the ground, two feet away from him, begging for bread crumbs from Bachelorette Intern Jacob.

- Let's face it: Bryden had a pretty mellow exit. I was having flashbacks to Ashely Herbert climbing into the consolation that was that lavender tissue-paper comforter, upon Bentley's departure...

- Dez says she’s gonna be fine, about Bryden's departure. As tears start streaming down her face, she informs us that she will be FINE.

- Chris tells the camera that they’re enjoying a private concert by Matt White. As though he knows exactly who Matt White is. I would be so much more inclined to look up Mr. White’s music if they let Chris say something like, “I have no idea who Matt White is. Never heard of him before. But his music is great!”

Questions I Have:

- Why is Bryden so sunburned?

- In an effort to describe the Fifty Shades of Enjoyment of his date with Dez, Chris tells the camera all the things he doesn't have to worry about, tonight. Um, does he normally worry about what time he’s going to bed and if he can brush his teeth?

- Did this musician Matt White happen to be in Munich, or did they fly him there?

Memorable Quotes:
- “I think this is the nicest hotel in Germany.” Oh, cause you would know, Ben.
- Dez: This is my first trip to Europe.
Carolyn: Oh my word-

Grace: Don’t say it. Just don’t. She grew up in a teepee.

- In his campaign to be the next Bachelor, James muses about how upset Dez will be about Bryden’s exit and insists, “She’s gonna feel like it’s something about her.”
…Welp, d-bag or no, this just might be the first and only insightful thing James has EVER said.

- When Bryden announces his exit to Dez, she asserts: "Well you did have a long plane ride. A lot of time to think." That's also a lot of time to get jet-lagged.
- At some point during one of the man pow wows, back at the "nicest hotel in all of Germany," I said to Carolyn: “I want Brooks to be my roommate. Not in your stead, but like, in addition to you. Carolyn, Grace and Brooks.”

- Mike: “Great. A two on one date with the guy that I find repulsive.” Repulsive, or attractive, Man Lovin' Mike?

Group Date

Observations

- Blah blah blah there’s a yodeler, snow, and sledding. Where is Sean’s Giant Snowbus when you need it?!

- No… No love is NOT like sledding down a hill in Germany. STOP, ZAK, STOPPPP. She will not accept these abs.

- Sidenote: Sure, it made for some awkward footage of Zak attack, waiting in the background behind Mikey and Dez making the snowmen, but at least he waited, so we didn’t have to hear that interview with Mikey, “So I’m sitting there, making snowmen with Dez, having a great time, and all of the sudden this guy comes out of nowhere and steals her away...”

- James needs to take off that infinity scarf RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Questions I Have

- Why is building these mini snowmen with Mikey the COOLEST thing she’s ever done?

Memorable Quotes

- “This is the happiest place on earth”
You know, Dez… There are some people who spent a significant period of time in Germany, about 70 years ago, who would beg to differ.

Two on One Date

- Well Ben is certainly sweating (literally wiping his brow with a hankie in the limo ride) but I could have done without Mike’s legal puns.

- HOT TUGGGGG

- Dear Dez, we all know you’re terrible at the contemplative sauntering-around-a-new-city, but would you please learn how to just become .01% better at acting? You could become at least 50% better at believably convincing the guys that you were going to take a polar bear swim IF YOU’D TAKEN OFF THE BERET.

- Well this is certainly the most overtly passive aggressive two-on-one date in the history of humanity.

- I’d like to take a moment to address a blurb from the late night news that came on during a commercial break: “Coming up, tonight at ten: another day, another road rage attack in Los Angeles." That is all.

- After observing them in another man pow wow, back at the Nicest Hotel in Germany, two things:
1) Drew is still a woman.

2) I would LOVE to see Drew and Kasey on Bachelor Pad. The obsessive discussion that is going on right now is just too much. Chris is trying so hard to be a part of whatever it is that they are dissecting and chewing on. Brooks is debatably still on painkillers. I can’t say that I’m well-versed in prostitute jargon, but I think that Vocabulary Drew was trying to say that Mikey and James were talking about arranging for prostitutes… to be out on a boat, near Chicago. The only thing that needs to happen in a boat near Chicago is THIS:

I was seventeen in this picture. Clearly a baby. But clearly still exactly the same person I am today, making my dear friend Elana reenact the scene from My Best Friend's Wedding. Classic.

- Anyone seen that episode where Gob Bluth sputters, “I have feelings for you,” in season 4?

Cause I’m feeling that same kind of baffled sentiment about the sympathy that is rising within me at the moment, for Ben. As much as I want to hate him, he is kind of handling this like a champ, right now…

- This is by far the biggest and most articulate attack and pay-off we’ve ever seen on this show, after all the talk leading up to the date. Let us hark back to more dramatically set-up two-on-one dates, ie: Ashley taking Will and Ben C. on that date when Ben got totally thrown under the bus and couldn’t defend himself. (And in the end Will got sent home too) Or how about when Brad Womack sent both Melissa and Raichel home (on his SECOND stint as The Bachelor) when they tried to throw each other under the hottug? You remember Melissa – she was the crazy blonde chick that came back on season 2 of Bachelor Pad that was obsessed with Blake… Usually on this show, if one tries to throw another under the hottug, they end up incriminating themselves. (Remember when Kacey B told Sean she was “between a rock and a hard spot” about… I don’t even remember what it was about, frankly, because it was so absurd, but she ended up getting sent home at the end of that episode.) I was fully expecting Dez to follow suit and send Mike home, but for some reason… Ben got sent home, and his exit interview was not unlike a one Wes Hayden, after Jillian sent him home… The point is: thank God for lawyers and their wordsmithery.

Speaking of which, here’s a lawyer:

He is also capable of crossing only one eye at a time, like myself. No relation. None.

- The rose ceremony was too boring to even discuss. I will say that I didn’t mind Hare’s relentless interrogation of Dez, pre-ceremony. And finally, I’d just like to remind everyone that Kasey is the guy who TALKED ABOUT HASHTAGS ALL NIGHT LONG, during the premiere.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Hare opened tonight's episode with my favorite game of “Obvious Observations with Hare,” when he informed the men: “You are obviously the thirteen that Dez sees a future with.”

Thank you, Hare. THANK YOU.

Of all the places for a “first stop on an international tour of love,” they picked… the Armpit of the Nation. Nothing against Jersey, particularly - I'm sure it's lovely, but how on earth does a place get a nickname like that?

Oh and Snooki. Snooki is from New Jersey. Did the Bachelorette Intern mean to book tickets to Atlantis, instead of Atlantic City, perhaps? I guess we'll never know...

Also I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge how that roller coaster Crazy Mouse was in the opening montage of Atlantic City.

I hate that roller coaster. If I were on a date and someone asked me about my pet peeves like Dez asked Brad, I’d say “The Crazy Mouse rollercoaster.”

This picture is from my most recent ride on a Crazy Mouse. It was in Shanghai. Even halfway around the world, it’s still the same terrifying ride where you feel like you’re going to fly off the rails at every turn:

MOVING ON. To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

OPENING MONTAGE: OBSERVATIONS:
…Well clearly the men aren’t flying out of LAX on Southwest. Looks like the Intern got SOMETHING right.

- Ok these cops saying hi to Dez on this boardwalk right now... Just stop. Please. PLEASE.

- WHY IS DEZ SO BAD AT LOOKING FAKE CONTEMPLATIVE. (I can't even dignify this idea with a question mark) I'm gonna need a slow-clap for Ashley Herbert - even though she was often prancing around in strange outfits, she had perfected the art of looking conflicted/torn/troubled/whatever other words the Intern was throwing out at her while they were filming her walking down a beach...

- There are a whole lotta towels in that hotel suite. Are the guys sharing a single bathroom?

ONE ON ONE DATE WITH BRAD:

OBSERVATIONS:

- Dez’s pursuit of chocolate on this date JUST might be the most interesting thing she's done all season.

- Well you know the date can’t be going well if they’re showing them eat, during the dinner portion; they seriously never do that on this show... Yikesbikes.

MEMORABLE QUOTES:

Zak: Brad doesn’t reveal a lot…

Carolyn: Like the fact that he’s been to prison.

Grace: He didn't go to prison, he was just accused of domestic violence...

Zak then came short of pulling a Kalon and calling Brad’s kid “baggage.”

- “Every decision she makes comes down to connection, one-hundred percent.” THANK YOU, DREW. And this whole time I thought it had to do with how much chocolate on which she could get her hands.

QUESTIONS I HAVE:

- About getting to know Brad better, Dez said:“I need to make sure it’s not just qualities but a connection.” There are so many cliches and oblique terms in that sentence that I don't even know what to make of it.

GROUP DATE:

OBSERVATIONS

- Dez tells the guys she has something exciting planned for them at Boardwalk Hall. Dez has nothing planned for the guys. The producers do. In addition to the Crazy Mouse, this is another huge pet peeve of mine: Bachelors and Bachelorettes taking credit for events in which they had ZERO hand in planning. Even the Intern should get more credit for this than Dez.

- Brooks is 100% still pounding the vicoden right now. Not judging, just observing.

- I’m sorry. Wait. Mikey “doesn’t want to be seen as a meathead,” yet comes out onstage, takes his shirt off and- Ok Chris just took the words out of my mouth. The approval meter is climbing higher and higher for my buddy Chris...

- Watching the guys crack up backstage was so much more interesting than their answers to these questions. But still not as interesting as Miss Utah's answer was, last night. Anyone else see that?

- Zak… your singing, right now… My shoulders are too tense to allow me to write any commentary on it.

- I was REALLY hoping they’d bring out Victor Melling to be the pageant instructor.

- I’m pretty sure Dez doesn’t actually “go to coffee shops and write poetry too,” she just said that because Chris caught her laughing at him and she needed something to say. Ohhh the Approval Meter is soaring right now, as Chris reads poetry that doesn't rhyme. Give him a rose now.

- So glad Zak had his lyrics in front of him when he finished his song for Dez. So grateful for that. Also grateful that he had a guitar. Maybe things would have gone better for Kasey if he’d had a guitar. But then again, that wouldn’t have stopped the tattoo he got. Guard and protect, Kasey. GUARD AND PROTECT.

QUESTIONS I HAVE:

- Am I hallucinating or have we seen Brooks wear THIS EXACT outfit, with the red and white stripes and denim button-down before?

- Man Lovin’ Mike has “dreamed, since he was a little kid, of being Mr. America.” I am NOT making that up; it is straight from the horse's mouth, just now.

- Can someone set up Juan Pablo and his baton with Kasey B, please?

- I don’t know that I’m actually interested in the answer to this, but ...how did they decide who wore what swimsuit?

- Um…Did we know Juan Pablo had a kid? Before right this second? Is anyone going to address his casual mention of a daughter, just now? I'm not so much concerned with the daughter as I am his casual mention of her, given that this is the Season of the Offspring and everything...

MEMORABLE QUOTES:

- Brooks just called Dez a unicorn. That is all.
- The flurrry of activity that was the men getting ready for the evening was described as, “Devil’s brigade. A hodgepodge of tom foolery.” Thank you, Vocabulary Drew
- Brooks would “BE A LION. NO HESITATION” when asked about his preference of jungle animal. Can't fault him for quickly committing to his answer...

One-on-One Date with James

OBSERVATIONS:

…Well this is one romantic helicopter ride.

- James has a hangnail on his thumb. And here I thought the helicopter ride couldn't get any less romantic. I hope the Intern has a pair of nail clippers.

- I find myself more interested in watching Manny and Jan’s date than James and Dez’s. Clearly the Intern had to scramble to clear out this hole-in-the-wall bar for them… Oh wait, there are people in the background. Well clearly the Intern brought his family in and made them pose as extras.

- I'm loving the fact that a pair of reading glasses are making an appearance in the same shot as a champagne glass, for the first time in the ten years of this show. Way to go, Jan.

- This is the first time we’ve seen Dez talk about her family to one of the guys. I’m not really sure what this means. Other than the fact that based on James’ expression, he clearly didn’t see Dez on Sean’s season. Otherwise he would have said, “Yeah I know: you grew up in a teepee and fell in love in a tent, I know.”

- I have no qualms about confessing that I was legitimately weeping, watching Manny and Jan look at their wedding album. THERE, I SAID IT.

QUESTIONS I HAVE:

- The whole hotel room montage, of James getting his chocolate-covered strawberry on, in the bathtub - what I really want to know: does he or does he not have a granite rock in his calf? Can we talk about this?

- Is he sporting some grey streaks in his hair, or is it the natural light?

Cocktail Party

OBSERVATIONS:
- I think Dez is wearing tights. And I just can't decide if I respect her for it, or judge her.
- Michael presenting these acronymic cards to Dez is giving me: child giving copious pieces of artwork to their parents and the parent having to react to every one of them. And when I say "pieces of artwork," you KNOW I'm talking about the kind of thing where the kid has shredded a receipt and is giving it to their parent, piece by piece, like it's The Last Supper.

- Obviously this goes without saying, but we all know what I was hoping Mike would tell Dez that the "G" stood for, and then show himself out.
- Not that I wanted to re-watch the No Friends Zone Kiss with Chris, but I played it back to make my roommate look at the straight-up PAW that Chris had on her back, during the whole thing. IT WAS A PAW.
- Bryden is sporting a classic case of First Date Syndrome right now. That, and cabin fever, to the point that the producers talked him into attempting to stir up some kind of drama tonight. Seeing that he has made a career out of fighting to defend this country, it's safe to say there's not a single bone in his body that ISN'T genuine. Which made his whole attempt at drama tonight just a waste of space. I would REALLY like to see him set up with Katie, the curly-haired yoga instructor from Sean’s season. Anyone?

- I’ve decided that the dramatic symphony of rose ceremony music is going to be my wedding processional. Big Daddy, I’m gonna need you to start familiarizing yourself with this music ASAP. And by “ASAP,” I obviously mean “in sixty years.”
- Hey Mikey, I didn’t want to hear you tell Dez, “you make me sweat.” You should NEVER say that again.

- I will limit myself to just one Arrested Development reference in this post, in regards to Zac not getting a rose:

....Her?

I mean we seriously didn't hear him speak in four episodes. Which is a shockingly low number, if you consider my all-time favorite mute contestant EVER, David:

He seriously made it to about the final five of Ali's season, without saying a single word, before he got sent home.

- I think this may be the first time we've seen an escalator on this show.

- Make that three – FOUR escalators! Four of them, in this long walk of departure for Zac.

Besides an egregious number of sentences that were ended with prepositions this week, (if I hear Dez musing about "where they guys are at," one more time...) we had a GREAT, very solid verbal faux pas from good ole Ben: “When you're a dad, looking for love… it’s not always the funnest thing to do.”

Monday, June 10, 2013

I would like to begin this post by posing a hypothetical scenario: during the whole Brian Blow-up, I can’t decide if it would have been better for Dez to be approached or the (ex?) girlfriend, but I would have paid BIG MONEY to see one of the guys come out of the house, up to the girls during the big blow up and say, “Could I steal you away for a just minute?”

First things first: if anyone was wondering what kind of crafting was going on tonight, during the episode, there was this:

Some of this:

And a little bit of this:

Perhaps the series of events that led to this week will be disclosed at a later date, but long story short: I’m running a Craft Camp this week. It is called Artsy Tartsy. And helloooo I have to test the crafts before I unleash them on the kiddos. (I enlisted the help of my roommate, Carolyn.)

To whom it may concern: I mean no
harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily
subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting
yourself to Grace’s commentary.

Dodgeball Group Date:

Memorable Quotes:

- “I could see pain all over his face. And I couldn’t make it better.”

Join us next time, for BLATANTLY OBVIOUS REMARKS WITH DEZ.

- Chris said something to the effect of “We see the National dodgeball team. They have dodgeballs. We don’t know what we’re doing.” REALLY?! You have ZERO clue?! Once the teams had been assigned, he went on to say that he was confident in his team because “Mikey was a really big guy.” Now listen. I’m no dodgeball expert, but am I wrong to assume that the larger your body mass, the larger your chances of getting hit with a ball? I’m also no stat expert, but I’m just gonna leave that one out there on the table.

- Man Lovin' Mike: "We're about to go to war in this little caged-in arena..." You upset about that, Magic Mike?

Questions I have:

- Who got paid more? The National Dodgeball Captain, or Soldier Boy?

- Just how many times did el Capitan practice his spiel?

- Oh Chris… Did YOU find this spot, on top of the Intercontinental, having never been there before, or did the Bachelorette Intern? Good move, either way.

Observations:

- Oh I’m sure you "randomly" drew those teams, Hare.

- Reason 953 I’d make a terrible Bachelorette:

…I don’t find ANYTHING funny about guys in short shorts.

Except MAYBE their tan lines. But seriously. Dez. It’s not that funny. I will say what I find hilarious is when guys rally up and do team cheers.

- If I hear the word “balls” one more time, I will seriously throw up.
- Mike, glad you clarified that “marbles” was a metaphor for “minutes with Dez.”
- Aaaaaaand Books is now infertile. Oh wait. It’s his hand. WAIT. This just might be the first actual injury we’ve ever seen on this show.
- In the past five minutes, Drew has used the words "palpable" and "fluid." These are unusual occurences for The Bachelorette, I must say.
- SO many inappropriate shots of Brooks on this gurney right now.
- There’s no way that anyone could accuse Brooks of pulling a Tierra because he’s clearly hyped up on pain meds right now, reinserting himself into the party. Ok but really, is Dez going to get high from making out with oxycotin-drenched Brooksie?
- If I hear “her and I” one more time, I will also barf.

THE MOST DRAMATIC CONFRONTATION IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY.

(Tell me something I don't already know, Hare.)

- I’m really, really deeply confused about what is happening with these peach pants right now that Dez is wearing.
- Drew seemed so adult and educated with his two moderately-advanced vocab words on the group date. He then regressed to kindergarten by tattling in his interview: "You don’t go on a dating show when you have a girlfriend. HE'S IN TROUBLE." Would you feel better if Hare put him in time-out, Drew?
- Dez should never go into any form of mediating or counseling. Hare, on the other hand, is handling this crisis beautifully.
- “You threw rocks at my face.” Oh those words definitely just got said...
- When Dez demanded if any of the other guys had anything to tell her, I really really wanted Mike to blurt out “I’m in love with Ben.” No dice.

- Aaaaand Brandon is crying. No, this is more than crying, this is like, weeping. Ok so now we all know that he came on this show for the free counseling, no judgment...

#KaseyIsAWinner's date was so lame that I seriously only have one remark. To Kasey, I’d like to say: #opportunities. Let's talk about what kind of consolation he could have provided on this date. Anyone remember JP's date with Ashley after Bentley's departure? Yet the only consoling that went on was the #ConsolationRose that Dez gave him.

John Wayne Group Date

Memorable Quotes:

- “She’s in a beautiful gown from… the 1900’s.” Nineteen hundred and what, James? 1990? That wasn't a good save, buddy.

- The guys are freaking out about the horses like Dez freaked out about the short shorts, and I'm getting so bored. Thank God for my crafts.

- I have no idea who this guy Dan is, but I’m not mad about his pants splitting. And it looks like he handled it well. Ten points, Dano.
- I am floored by Zac’s ability to articulate right now. Once again, he's pulling a Lindsay Yenter right now by proving that he's more than just a pretty face drunk hott mess on the first night.

COCKTAIL PARTY POOL PARTY

Thoughts:

I mean, based on their freakishly sadistic scheming to get rid of Brian, I get it that Hare and Dez want to be in cahoots. But for Hare to announce that Dez has cancelled the cocktail party... Only to announce that there will be a pool party, instead? That just... What a waste.

Ben is wearing Ryan’s tank tops. That’s what I have to say. Doubt me?

- Ben wants to show Dez that he’s not just a Dad, but he can be spontaneous and romantic.

…Cause it’s really romantic to ask a girl to drive you in her car for fifteen minutes.

- I will not dignify the presence of this hot tub orgy by discussing it.
- Drew. Still a woman.

- Mike: “This show isn’t called ‘let’s make friends.’”
Roomate Carolyn : Wait… I thought we were watching Let’s Be Friends. What is this show?! What have we been watching this whole time?
- As Creepy Brandon is talking to Dez, Carolyn is chanting, “CRY. CRY. CRY.” Ohhhhh Dez giggling as Brandon kisses her. NOT a good sign.

Well... At least Brandon said good bye to her with (some?) class. I think the Bachelorette Shrink just upped her rates...

Verbal Faux Pas:

Aside from the innumerable uses of "her and I," there are only two honorable mentions tonight:

- Dez remarked that the whole Brian thing "threw me back."

...It threw you off, Dez.

- Bryden said that Juan Pablo could have been “spouting off a pasta recipe, for all we knew..."

...Hey Bryden, that line would have been funny if... Juan Pablo were Italian.

Oh, and finally, on the promo for next week, we hear Dez say, "I want a love that will light the darkness."

I'm not going to attempt to dissect this, I'm just going to end on it.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

No but I’m not even kidding: my life would be so much easier without the restraints of compassion and empathy getting in my way.

For anyone that’s ever had ANY kind of exchange with me, it is no secret that I’m too cheap to pay for any kind of cable (and ergo DVR) and am too desperately attached to live TV to watch in any form that is not real time.

This usually isn't a problem, until tonight, when I found myself taking a load of my clothes out of the dryer at 7:37 PM, and running into Sheryl, a sweet lady who lives in the apartment two doors down from us.

Sheryl is in a boot, walking around on crutches, and was doing her laundry.

I blame my mother for the next words that came out of my mouth, “Do you want me to grab your clothes out of the dryer and bring them to your apartment?”

She was hobbling around in a boot, I’d never even spoken to her in my life, but how could I not offer? (Like I said: Granny is responsible for what I’ll settle on calling “compulsive compassion.”) Because now I was responsible for timing a commercial break to jet out and grab Sheryl’s clothes, fold them (like I said: compulsive) and deliver them to her, all while being brusque enough to not illicit any small talk, because I’M SORRY SHERYL, BUT I CAN’T PAUSE THIS SHIZ. IT’S PLAYING IN REAL TIME AND IF I DON’T DART BACK TO MY APARTMENT, I’LL MISS ONE OF HARE’S DENSELY COLORED FRENCH BLUE SHIRTS, OR DEZ TALKING ABOUT HOW POOR SHE WAS AS A CHILD.

All of this could have been easily avoided if I had just politely nodded to the woman lumbering out of the laundry room, but the claws of compassion are clenched tightly around my heart. Like I said: I’ve tried ripping it out. I have.

Ahem, moving on:

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

DATE WITH BROOKS:Observations:
- I’m so glad Hare explained the date rules to everyone. I’ve been so deeply confused about it all, for the past 11 years and Hare cleared it up in 11 seconds.

- Brooks still hasn’t washed his hair.

- In what I can only guess was a lame attempt to explain why they're going to a gallery of quinceanera dresses, Dez says that she needs a guy to be comfortable and ok with the fact that she wants to design wedding dresses. Not be a stripper, or even something pseudo-risque like say, an actress, but... a wedding dress designer.

- As much as I generally disenjoy Dez, I would TOTALLY be her best friend if it meant that a cupcake truck was a part of her "everyday life." Anyone else catch that? How she started the date by saying she wanted it to be a slice of "everyday life"? Anyone?

- I’m calling it, right now: Dez is going to say “I’m so glad that Brooks was willing to just go with the flow and follow my lead and move the “ROAD BLOCKED” signs…” When in reality, there should be some serrrrious red flags that he was willing to move those signs.

- Based on what I will call his "somewhat-reserved candor" when speaking about his parents, it is clear that our Brooksie has been to therapy. I support this.

Memorable Quotes:

- Dez reminds us: “I want love at the end of this.”

...As though there were ANY chance that ANYONE watching ANYWHERE would EVER question that she was here for ANY other reason.

- Brooks remarks that “Dez is this giant ball of mystery.” Is she though, Brooksie? Cause I’m pretty sure she’s so NOT complex that she’s laid everything out for us in acrylic glitter bridal markers. (And no, those aren’t actually a thing– trust me: if they were, I’d have them.)

- I believe it was Zak W. who remarked that it was amazing “seeing Dez in her everyday clothes, with her hair down…” I would just like to point out that Zak never has, in fact, seen Dez with her hair up. He should have checked his previous entries in his questionably antique journal, on that one.

- In his Lucky the Leprechaun tux, Dez tells Brooks, “You are so funny.” No Dez, that tux is so funny. And it's not even funny, it's just weird and pointless.

- Dez enlightened Americans everywhere with her insights about the Hollywood sign: "I think it represents everyone coming here. To pursue their dreams.” (Trivial fact, from someone who refuses to find anything profoundly meaningful in the sign: It was originally erected in 1923 and read "Hollywoodland.") Brooks went on to somehow compare a relationship to the sign, and this assertion was also steeped in zero logic. I think Dez may have also later compared herself to the state of California, but all these unfounded metaphors are blurring together in my mind.

- I DO need to give a shoutout to my girl Carol right now, mother of my classmate and dear friend Jenna. I saw classmates Jenna and Trent in the national tour of American Idiot this weekend, but I don't like to brag about the accomplishments of my friends. I'm not trying to use The Bachelor Franchise to turn my one bar into five bars, here. I love talking to Carol about the show, and because she DOES have DVR and because the moment that Brooks talked about his previous relationship was muffled by the sound of my roommate walking in the door, then tossing her Trader Joes bags to the ground at the realization that it was Bachelor Monday, I texted Carol to ask what it was that Brooks said, because I figured he had either dropped a bomb like divorce, or had said something meaningless about being in a serious past relationship where he had his heart broken...

Questions I have:
-And just how do you know that "Brooks can be fun," Dez?

- I'm too lazy to actually look into this, but I'm 90% sure it's actually very much illegal to go within a fifty foot radius of the Hollywood sign.

- It was during said adventure of questionable legality, my roommate Carolyn walked in, took one look at the screen and said, “What is she, an actress?”

- Brooks Brothers went to great lengths to articulate the vulnerable limb he was out on, when he told Dez that... his parents had been divorced and that he, like any real human with real feelings, passionately disclosed his feelings to his father, years afterward. I would just like to pose the question: has a contestant on this show ever gone out on one of these limbs and NOT had a warm response? I'm just saying. Hark back to AshLee telling Sean of her childhood. Or Emily telling the girls and then Brad about Ricky's accident. Or even Jason Mesnick telling DeAnna about Ty. (Remember when having a kid was a really big deal? Ben shows no traces of this...) Anyone ever see that (INCREDIBLE) show, AverageJoe on NBC? Cause on Season 2, (ahem, Average Joe 2: Hawaii) this girl Larissa picked a guy named Gil (who was not-so-Average-Joe, in fact a model) and after choosing him in the finale, she then disclosed that she dated Fabio and he actually got up from the table and took off down the beach. After she'd chosen him as her final guy. I'm JUST saying that nothing like that EVER happens on this show, meanwhile the contestants talk about their revelations like they're admitting that they dated Fabio and Gil is going to take off down the beach about it...

- And finally, is anyone else is wondering if Brooks is going to suffer from First Date Syndrome and get really clingy and needy and send himself down in flames? Just a thought...

Group Date:

Observations:

- Juan Pablo. May you never stop dancing.

- The casual way that Zak W. is handling a box of something that is supposedly antique is reminiscent of how Julie Andrews gives Princess Mia that locket, in Princess Diaries, and Anne Hathaway roughly shoves it into her backpack, much to the chagrin of Grandma Clarisse.

- Ok and wow. America just watched Zak W. make a comeback from his embarrassment that was the premiere, that was lightyears faster than Lindsay Yenter's, after getting hammered and showing up at Sean's in a wedding dress...

- Ben "doesn’t wait for Dez to come find him. He’s old-fashioned." I'd just like to take a moment to point out that apparently being “old-fashioned” means "having a kid with your best friend..."

- Somehow, if Mikey remarks that Ben is not genuine I am, rather inexplicably, willing to believe him. I don't know if this says more about my regard for Mikey, or my distaste for Ben.

- Ben seems to be handling this confrontation with Mikey well, so far... Wait, this is literally the first well-received confrontation that has occurred in ANY contestant-to-contestant combat, in the history of this show.

- Dez seriously looks exhausted right now. And I never sympathize with the Bachelorette. Or Dez. But someone get the BacheloretteInternGopher up off of that cot of his so the girl can close her eyes for fifteen seconds.

Memorable Quotes:

- About Brandon's lack of clothing, Man-Lovin' Mike asserted: “His outfit… is so incredible.” I will let this sentence speak for itself. Brandon continues to do a number of highly inexplicably explicit man-stretches around Mike as he whines, “I've got a good heart right? That’s all that matters in life.” I could be wrong, but it seems like B-Dog has caught onto the fact that Mike is into men and is enjoying it.

Questions I Have:
- Tell me HOW they got Soldier Boy to do this show. I will not dignify his existence by employing the ludicrous spelling of his name.

- Why this cowboy motif with a rap video? Oh it's cause Wes was a country singer, I get it. It is completely without shame that I announce my synchronized completion of Ben's line about "love don't come easy," after only hearing the word cue word "queasy," and having never seen any part of this episode before.

- Brandon informed us that he had to "jiggle my junk in her vicinity." 1) You don’t HAVE to do anything, Brandon. 2) Thank you for using an oblique term like “her vicinity.”

- Brandon later presents his case to Dez as a potential future husband with the following: “I'm not an ivy-league guy, I don’t have a great family… But I was born.”

Date with Bryden:

Observations:

- Dez talks about how "cute and adorable" this little small town is. She has 100% NEVER been there before.

- So… Bryden just has some casually gruesome photos in his casual jacket pocket, casually.

- I cannot bring myself to be upset about the way that Dez handled poor wittle Bryden not going in for the kiss right away… And then how Bryden subsequently handled himself: equally commendable. Dez, I’m not mad at you for your rehabilitation of what otherwise could have been a DISASTROUS moment.

- After discussing the details of his car accident and showing his photo album, Bryden talks about living each day to the fullest. Dez responded with, “That’s how I live my life, and I didn’t…I haven't been through what you've been through...” I'd just like to take a moment to point out that what Dez wanted to say here was “That's how I live my life...and I wasn’t even in a near-fatal car accident!”

COCKTAIL PARTY:

- I have two thoughts about Mike discussing his diabetes right now: 1) Nick Jonas. Specifically “A Little Bit Longer.” 2) He is discussing diabetes. Not a former life of crime.

- My shoulders were up by my ears by the time Ben went in for a second kiss.

- This klatch of boys is shockingly articulate. Clearly the Bachelorette Gopher has been dispatched to stir up whatever kind of drama it takes for these men to feel the need to repeatedly confront each other. Which almost makes it boring, if you consider that 80% of the entertainment that is in the drama on this show is because it's usually carried out by morons who can't express themselves.

- James tells the guys that Dez is going to “figure it out” about Ben. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to call to the witness stand, Exhibits A and B: Courtney Roberts and Vienna Girardi.

Dear James,

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

She won't "figure it out."

They never do.

Love, Grace

- I seriously have no idea to whom these first five roses have gone, in the rose ceremony. Lack of airtime of the men is partly to blame, but mostly it is their lack of personality that causes me to have NO IDEA who these guys are. Did the guy who made the “Reasons I Like You” list get a rose yet? And why didn't we see that “List”?

- Guys who got sent home: the black guy, MyOneTrueLove Robert, and some guy whom I have never seen before.

- By the exit interviews, our TV has gone into epilepsy mode, where it freakishly changes colors and it looks like the men are departing from a haunted house. Literally.

- “Heartbreak is like a pit in your stomach and it doesn't go away…” Have you reached the “heartbreak” level, Guy-Whom I’ve-Never-Seen? Have you?

Everyone Loves a Verbal Faux Pas:

- Brooks Brothers said he was doing “arm pumps” about his date with Dez. FIST PUMPS, Brooksie. James and Mikey will get you up to speed on what these are.

- “Setting the tone off, so right, with this first date..." I will not attempt to correct this sentence construction but rather, like any good teacher does, I will pose a series of questions that will lead Dez to discover the error in her ways: What is setting the tone off, exactly? How does a tone become "set off"? What constitutes a tone being "right"? Those are just a few.

- Our Gracious Host: “I take it as a good sign, that you guys are all taking this serious.” SAY IT AIN’T SO, HARE! USE YOUR ADVERBS!

- And finally, let us talk about the enigma that is: “I got swooped," as originated by the Plumber. After he said this, I released a small cry of protest to which Carolyn responded, "Well I think that's a fair... past participle? Is it a past participle?" At a loss for words, fumbling around in what appeared to be a Grammar Wasteland, I blindly reached for what was familiar, as I sputtered, "Well it's not passive. One does not 'get swooped,' one 'swoops'." Fortunately, dawn broke and light came streaming into this desolate Grammar Wasteland, filling it with sense and reason, when Mikey accused Ben of “swooping in on Dez” THERE we go.