Barry Tompkins: This African Life

Bay Area sportscaster Barry Tompkins sits in a restaurant on Monday, Aug. 22, 2011, in Fairfax, Calif. He began his career in San Francisco in 1965 and has worked for HBO and Fox Sports Net. He is known for his work as a boxing commentator, but has covered football and other sports. He lives nearby in Ross.
(IJ photo/Frankie Frost
Frankie Frost

We have now been in the east African bush for 10 days. I'm giving some thought to staying.

The first thing we were asked to do when arriving in Mpanda was to remove our watches. Even though I'm quite sure mine is now being worn by a Somali warlord (who will be shocked to know it's a Rolex knock-off bought on a street corner in Hong Kong several years ago for $12), there is a certain sense of freedom that comes with not knowing what time, or what day it is. Incidentally, have we missed Christmas?

The second thing we did after arriving in this remote outpost was to place a reward with the local sheriff for the return of one of our party's bags that had somehow disappeared in the two feet between the plane and the luggage cart downloading the baggage. I'm quite sure that the wife of the warlord wearing my knock-off Rolex is now sporting really neat matching khaki shorts and shirt from Nordstrom and a pendant that says, "World's Greatest Mom."

I believe I mentioned last week about the wildebeest nonbeautification plan — that is, if you make yourself as ugly as possible, no one will want to a) associate with you, b) seek you out as a trophy or most important, c) eat you. As a direct result, there is a herd of roughly 500,000 wildebeest roaming the Serengeti singing "We are Family" and confident that even the lions are thinking, "Isn't there a skunk or guinea fowl or even a Big Mac that we can eat? I just can't face another wildebeest."

If you haven't seen a wildebeest they seem to be half horse and half buffalo, with horns that look like a purse and a face that appears to have been smacked with a frying pan. I can only assume their mating period takes place only at night — with their eyes closed.

Poaching is a never-ending problem on the Serengeti, and while I wondered for years how they could get those big animals willingly into those little poaching tins, I have realized that what we're looking at today may not be there for our kids and our kids' kids to see. The rhinoceros has been rendered virtually extinct by poachers seeking its horns, which are considered an aphrodisiac in China. It is obvious that despite the technological and financial revolution currently in China, it has not yet discovered Viagra. That little blue pill would make adventurers like us happy, it would make the rhino delighted, and it would create an industry that would — pardon the expression — rise to new heights in China. Viagra; no MSG.

Today we watched a family of elephants munching away on their daily intake of 400 pounds of vegetation. The kids were rolling around on the ground playing while mom struggled with the highest branch of a tree that she thought would be especially tasty. When she couldn't reach it dad took over. He simply knocked the 10-foot acacia tree to the ground with his head. I think I'm in trouble now. My wife's been complaining about a eucalyptus tree at home and keeps reminding me of the male elephant and how good he was to his wife. I keep telling her I have a headache.

I think she'll love me again tomorrow though. I'm planning on wrestling a rhinoceros for his horn.