In "Lust in the Mummy's Tomb," Mundae is a schoolgirl who wakes up one morning and takes a shower. I have just summarized the first ten minutes of this opus. Misty goes downstairs and discovers a mummy (Ben Orange) on the floor of her father's study. What's a girl to do? You boink it, apparently. As Misty works on the mummy, the ghost of Cleopatra (Patty Perturbed- probably not her real name) lurks behind a bookshelf, jealously watching Misty and the mummy. Unfortunately for Cleopatra, and the viewer, the orgasm of a young girl can wake the mummy. Misty "wins," and the mummy arises (so to speak) and chases her. Don't fret, Misty lives, and we learn Cleopatra will rest only if brought to orgasm by a hot young girl like Misty! How convenient!

Paired on the DVD is "The Vibrating Maid." In this one, Misty is home, pretending to read, when she hears the moans of her French maid (Lilly Tiger). We know the maid is French because she continually mutters "ooh-la-la" and "oui, oui," the only expressions taught to the actress. Misty finds the maid in a closet, using a shiny vibrator the size of a child's forearm. Misty promises the maid she will not tell but only if the maid shows her how things work...and by "things," I mean putting foreign objects perilously close to your junk while unconvincingly writhing in ecstasy.

These "films" are on the DVD together because neither is full length on their own. "Lust in the Mummy's Tomb" is about forty minutes, while "The Vibrating Maid" runs twenty-five. "Lust in the Mummy's Tomb"'s location shooting consists of someone's house, not a tomb in sight. While I did not watch this for historical accuracy of any kind, having some sad actor wrapped in all the gauze he could find in a poorly stocked first aid kit would be hysterical, if it were not so pathetic.

Misty Mundae is easy on the eyes, Patty Perturbed is refreshingly voluptuous, but I found myself just as bored as the cast members. Lilly Tiger is about as French as her Halloween maid's outfit, her accent is hilarious. The supposed direction by William Hellfire consists of turning the video camera on and off. No screenwriter is credited, since I believe the entire story meeting and read-through consisted of "take your clothes off and dry hump this."

Just a rant on Seduction Cinema and After Hours Cinema's hard softcore sex videos. If we are not watching these things for character development and story arc, then why not just put this back on the shelf and head to the back of the video store and walk through the door marked "adults only"? Don't have the magic door? Go online. My point is if you have a cast willing to do all of this sexually explicit activity on camera for all the world to see, then why not back it up with some semblance of a story or script and semi-professional production values? Film makers, challenge yourselves to actually write and shoot something watchable, instead of a bunch of scenes? Even though I found many faults with the recent "Shortbus" and "The Brown Bunny," at least these writer/directors were trying to be provocative, not lazy.

Sorry, Misty, but I need to break off this relationship. I also made the mistake of watching "Erotic Survivor" the same night, a film so bad I could not put into words the grief I felt when it was done.

Misty, you are a very photogenic and beautiful woman, but I need more out of my video vixens, since I am no longer sixteen years old and sneaking peeks at Cinemax. You are better than this...and frankly, so am I.