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How do I handle my 12 year old daughter?

Can someone please help me-my daughter is driving me crazy, and she is only 12! Since she started middle school this past year, she has changed so much. She talks back, tells me to shut up, and has a real bad attitude. She is my oldest child and I knew that my parents always spoiled her, but I am just now finding out how much. She also has poor academic skills and refuses to read and barely does her homework. I have always seemed to make excuses for her because of my father's death (her grandaddy) ; she was real attached to him and I know that his death affected her. My husband does not say much to her because I have always protected her. In the past, he has showed alot of favoritism towards our two smallest daughters, which I think has alot to do with her anger. I am not even sure if she has friends at school. I am afraid that she is going to be out of control. What can I do to handle her?

Why don't you take a few hours and bring her out just you two and go sit and have a talk heart to heart talk. You better have a talk and find out what you can while you may still have a chance. 12 is a hard age and it does get worse before it gets better so have a talk now and show her and remind her that you are there for her at all times.

Answer by
Anonymous
at 8:08 PM on May. 1, 2010

thats a tough one. the best u can do is talk to her. have a stern and serious talk with her telling her she needs to change her attitude or the consequences will be bad. if she still doesnt listen then punish her (grounding her , like no tv/going to a friends' or cutting her allowance). and if her attitude has changed ever since she has started her middle school , then its definitely her friends who are ''brainwashing'' her and molding her into a negative person. the new ''lot'' she has made what she calls her friends are not good. see if u can do something about that

Answer by
Anonymous
at 8:08 PM on May. 1, 2010

Not in any particular order:

Talk to a guidance cousellor at school and see what they suggest.
Stop making any excuses. Tell her NOW that things are going to change and she has to x/y/z....whatever you want to spell out....do her homework....read for 20 minutes every night, whatever.
Do the tough love thing: do not allow her to talk back without consequences (you and dad have to decide what that means)
She may need to see a counsellor if she is having grief issues over grandpa.

the behavior is kind of normal, but you don't want the younger ones to think it's okay. Normal doesn't mean you should put up with it, your normal behavior is to provide discipline and consequences.

I would take her to a pediatric psychologist, or someone who knows kids really well. Also, it might help to change schools. It could be the kids she is hanging out with. It sounds like things have been really chaotic in her life and she is having a hard time adjusting. But I would def. have her go to counseling so that she knows how to express her emotions and figure out why she is acting out.

Most kids change during the first year of middle school. Hormones rage, life is changing, they are trying to transition between child and young lady. I'd talk with her but tell her that you expect her to treat you with respect if she wants you to treat her with respect in return. There is a book called Reviving Ophelia that discusses this if you like to read. It's an old book so your library might have it. Stay calm and in control, choose your battles and remember the younger ones will go through this too!

Pull her out of public school and homeschool her. That way, you can get a handle on her academics, and you and her can spend some quality time together.

Maybe once or twice per week, you can take her out on her homeschool "lunchbreak". Maybe get your nails done and chat.

When I went through my hormonal phase when I was 16, what really helped was when my mom reached out to me.

Answer by
Anonymous
at 8:26 PM on May. 1, 2010

Honestly, while I don't have any advice (my only child is only 8 months, lol), I can say that what you're growing through with her is fairly normal. She's at an age when she thinks she knows a lot and wants independence, yet she's still pretty much a child. I went through the same thing with my mom at about 13, and now we're best friends and have been for years. Best of luck! :)

Does she have any privledges/chores? I'd be taking away privledges and adding to the chores. About the schoolwork situation I'd be sitting on her about it, like you would when they're in 1st grade. Checking everything, emailing or talking to her teachers on a regular basis. And I agree do NOT tolerate the talking back / disrespect issue or it'll only get worse. I have taken out everything out of my childrens' room except for the basic essentials when things have gotten too out of hand before, then they've earned their possessions back, shoot even take her door if you need to. (I've threatened it but haven't had to yet)