Meanwhile, the concert has also had a tremendous effect on Kashmiri separatists. The Hizbul-Mujahideen leadership, for instance, has been so impressed that they have decided to rename their organisation the Hizb-ul-Tchaikovsky.

“I love to crack nuts while listening to Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite”, boasted a Hizb leader. We understand the Haydn supporters in the group defected to the Lashkar-e-Taiba, which has since been renamed the Lashkar-e-Haydn. Intelligence sources tell us that one unintended consequence has been an exodus of fighters who cannot pronounce the new names of their organisations.

The success of the concert has led to demands coming in from other troubled areas. Unreliable sources say the Bavarian State Orchestra has been requested to play in Muzaffarnagar and in households torn by saas-bahu tensions.