Day 10 Day 10 - hiding my feelings from my family.

I've been looking at other people's Day 10s, and can't help thinking that you've all been doing better than I am... My problem isn't being out of touch with my feelings, even the most awful ones (raging helpless grief being the worst); it's coping with the sheer relentless onslaught of the buggers. I've had a pretty big problem with depression to varying degrees for a very long time, and the last 3 or 4 years have been particularly difficult. (I know depression is usually classed as a numbing of feelings, but I have to be different.)

I think about dying a lot. No previous attempts or current plans, just hamster-wheel dark thoughts. I've told a few close friends about this, but sometimes I wish I hadn't, as it's a terribly negative thing to hit them with, and I feel like even more of a freak. I said too much to my Mum recently, and scared the hell out of her, which I deeply regret as she has more than enough to worry about already. I just couldn't stop myself.

I'm finding that journaling is keeping the focus on the negative, but I'm going to carry on with it anyway. (Masochistic, moi?)

Hi Queenie,
Have you looked at the personality traits http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_Personality_Traits
It really helped me identify the feelings. I can relate to "thinking that you've all been doing better than I am." I have that circled under the low self esteem paragraph. When I catch myself having that feeling, I can trace it back to this personality trait and know that it is triggering me for a pain distraction.
I had the same feeling this morning when I thought about starting the journal. NOOOOOO! I don't want to look at it anymore. Yet, when I started writing about a past traumatic event - it uncovered a memory related to being hard of hearing when I was six. I was able to track its impact all the way through the various personality traits. It uncovered a real nugget for me that I can really use today.
Keep on keeping on and it will get better!!! It already IS better because at least you have this awareness so far!!