With baseball’s spring games getting underway, it’s important to throw shade at one of the Greyshirts. Billy is a tremendous Marlins fan and as a Braves fan, I’m obligated to share with you all facts* about Billy’s team and fellow fans.

*Not really facts

Here goes.

10. A 60-win season is listed in year 8 of Jeff Loria’s 10 year plan as a “stretch goal.”

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Not a bad goal considering the fire sale to Toronto a few years back.

9. The ridiculous outfield “sculpture” is actually a shrine to Jobu, and Jobu likes dolphins (or swordfish, or whatever the hell they are).

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“Yo, Barkeep! Jobu needs a refill.”

8. Marlins fans haven’t seen real baseball in so long, they’ve started attending other games to see what it looks like.

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“Yeah, Bill, that’s what I said. They hit the little white thing with the wood pole! This is good stuff.”

7. In 2013, Billy the Marlin went on a diet. As a result, Twinkies went bankrupt and were discontinued.

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He has since fallen off the wagon and Twinkies are now being produced again.

6. Ichiro learned Spanish because fleeing to Cuba may be more appealing than playing a full season for Miami.

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It’s not that far to swim.

5. Dade County judges have started sentencing misdemeanor criminals with multi-game ticket packs to the Marlins.

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Felons get season tickets. But where will they all sit?!

4. Marlins players’ contract incentives include: grape sno-cones after each home game; Dubble Bubble in the dugout; and participation trophies.

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Dubble Bubble?! Should have at least held out for Big League Chew!

3. The longest home run at Marlins Park was recorded last season with ﻿a t-shirt cannon.

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In all fairness to the Marlins, at full power these things can put a t-shirt into orbit. ﻿

2. The Clevelander was put in to distract fans from the Marlins play.

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It’s working for the most part. There’s one of these where the Jacksonville Jaguars play, too. Hey…wait a second…

1. The Marlins are actually a minor league team.

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﻿Sorry, G. It’s true.

So, I know full well that I am in for it after this “shots fired” list. In reality, the Marlins are probably going to be the second best team in the division, thanks to the Braves’ Major League-esque front office maneuvering.

I can also think of 10 things about Braves fans. But, I’ll leave that to Billy. Those will be hilarious.