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Thursday, July 20, 2017

On Changing Your Mind

If you're viewing this on a web browser, I'd like to apologize that the design is currently half finished. I learned earlier this week that some of the elements of my old design were no longer supported so I decided that was a sign that my blog needed a little refresh.

Well, before I decided that, actually, I really found myself wondering if I even wanted to blog anymore. It really feels like I have a hard time keeping up with it these days and blogging is so, so different than it was when I first started over six years ago.

I thought really hard about taking this opportunity to just close this door, removing the guilt I feel when I realize I have written in way too long.

Yet, I do find blogging so therapeutic. I always loved to write and really wanted to be a novelist when I was younger. Who knows, maybe I will pursue that one day. This seems like the perfect segue in to what this is all really about.

I have really been struggling with my identity over the past year and a half. When I was teaching I loved my job for many years. Then, all of a sudden I didn't anymore. What just one year before was something I looked forward to every day, hours spent loving on and pouring into a population who really needed someone to invest in them, creativity poured in to lessons and activities, and just a whole lot of passion for what I was doing quickly turned into something completely different.

When I was pregnant I found myself counting down the days to maternity leave quite a bit. I was spending most of my life doing paperwork. I felt like I was letting my kids down by leading them to spend their days taking tests to practice for the test (at least two full days every single month), grading tons of papers to meet my quota of 5 grades per student for the 200 standards I was responsible for teaching, not being able to go to the restroom for six hours at a time because budget cuts left no personnel to cover for me. I always knew I would go in to education but all of a sudden I loved my profession but hated my job. Throw a new baby in the mix and I felt the biggest relief when I resigned my job.

A little story I never shared on the blog was that when I was driving away from my school for the last time my car was packed to the brim. The trunk barely closed but I was determined not to come back for another load. I had a newborn to get home to and boobs that were about to explode because I hadn't been able to pump all day at work. As I was driving out of town, I noticed that the car was really loud and when I turned a corner I caught just the perfect angle to tell that the trunk had popped open and I'd lost an entire box of post-its, staples, tacks, and index cards, and paper clips along the way. So, I hopped out (with my pump and battery pack), closed the trunk, and that was that.

I'm often asked if I'll ever go back and I really don't know. But I do know I needed a break more than I needed anything else in my life. I've transitioned nicely into the work-at-home-mom life. Some days are easier than others but I have well exceeded the income I used to make when broken down by hour. I love what I'm doing now and really love that I don't have to leave Madeline.

This has been a big transitional time for me. Learning the ins and outs of running two businesses (that are so totally different from each other) as well as navigating parenthood and marriage after a baby. If you have followed for a while then you know that our family went through a big and unexpected transition right before Madeline was born as well.

So, I say all of this to explain why my posting is unpredictable right now. I'm still trying to figure everything out in this new phase of life. I also find that I change my mind all the time now, especially since I feel like I'm really forming a whole new identity for myself. I'm actually contemplating going back to my old blog name. I switched because we were in a really hard phase of life while I had it yet I think it might describe me more. Now, whether this blog will still be The Lovely Latte or if it will be back to Carolina Mrs. the next time you pop in is still undecided. I really am struggling with making my mind up.

Also, that random woman in my sidebar will be updated in the next couple days with an actual picture of me. Haha! The new design is a work in progress.

3 comments:

I stopped teaching after three years because we were moving, and I ended up finding a non-teaching job first. I felt (maybe feel?) so guilty about not teaching, but in the end you have to do what is best for you. I loved teaching, and I really think it is a calling, but it is not easy. I think I'll eventually go back when my daughter is in school, but it's going to be a tough decision!

Sounds like you have loads to think about and contemplate. I've been blogging since 2009 and have often wondered too if it's worth the time and sacrifice. Ultimately, I decide that it is and stick with it, but know that some times and phases of my life, my posting will be a bit more sporadic... and that's okay!

I stopped blogging because it got to be so different than when I started. Sometimes I miss it, but most of the time I don't. Transitioning into different seasons of life is tough, so you got to do what's best for you.