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Saturday, July 2, 2011

Peace in seemingly cruel coincidences

Our next step is IUI (intrauteral insemination). I'm going to be on another 150mg of clomid and hope that we get two follies again. Dr. Q will trigger me to ovulate and put Ryan’s swimmers directly in my uterus with my egg(s) and we'll see if anything takes. There is a little more monitoring involved in this procedure, which needs to be done on specific cycle days. Unfortunately, we're going to be out of town on days that I would need to see my doctor. So I’m on the bench this month; I can't get treatment. We'll have to wait till August to move forward.

I actually ended up being late. Two days late to be exact, and with the most beautiful chart I've ever had. As you can see in my average curve (in blue), my temps consistently drop, which mean that pregnancy did not occur. But this time they stayed high, and gave me hope that maybe the clomid worked, even after I got the first negative test. I figured I would test again this morning if my temp remained high. Alas, this morning's temp was a nosedive, and I started my period. Not only am I not pregnant, but I am also two days too late to do the IUI in July.

I thought that I would be pretty discouraged about all this, but God has given me a peace in my heart about how everything worked out (thank you for your prayers!!). Why did God choose to lengthen this cycle, of all cycles? Furthermore, why lengthen it just enough for me to miss my small window of opportunity to move forward next month? I don't know. But it is just too specific for me to doubt that He has a better plan. Maybe He wants to display His power by letting us get pregnant next month without medical help, maybe my body needs a little break for the IUI to work in August, or maybe this is buying time for just the right adopted blessing to come to us. I don't know. But I'm ok with that right now. God is good. I trust that one day I'll be able to look back and be so thankful that He used one specific sperm and one specific egg, in one specific cycle, in one specific way, to make one specific baby for us. When I look into that child's eyes, I don't think I'll care how long it took for him or her to be mine. :']

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord..." (Psalm 27:13)

6 comments:

with tears in my eyes, I have to say you are soo inspiring! your faith and trust in the Lord brings Glory to his name! Praise the Lord of his perfect plan and continuing to answer our prayers of endurance and peace!

I seriousily look forward to every time my email goes off and and I see "where's baby miller". It's like I can't wait at the end of a good book and I want to scan and see the end to take off some of the anxiety! lol. This post was extra special. I could feel your vulnerability, your peace... and I can relate. Because every time I look at Parker, those months and months of trying seem like a snap. When she gives me her gummy bear smile, the hot flashes, the fertility injections... they could have been a million times worse and still not compare to the smile she gives. I pray your time is soon friend! And I praise our Lord for your faithful and unwavering commitment to trust in Him. And I look forward to the day your precious little one looks up and grabs your face and you melt and these days feel like a lifetime ago!Cid