I once read about a navy game; what better way to spend your shore leave in foreign lands than with a bit of beach cricket? Unfortunately, it was terribly hot, and as the afternoon wore on everyone got tired of playing. The last wicket seemed to last forever. Eventually, the brave slogger who was holding up the game chopped a lofted square cut into the sea, where the ball was promptly swallowed by a shark.

The umpire called him out - caught "Shark".

Other curiosities: my cat chases cricket balls but he never stays put and gets called for interference all too frequently.

Hit the fence it's 4, hit the fence without bouncing it's 6, over the fence it's out. Any attacking shot that doesn't get you out or hit the fence scores 1. Each innings lasts 18 overs, and you have ten wickets. A good score is around the 200 mark. Hit any of the bushes (or chairs or upright spades or anything else we scatter round the yard) you're out caught. We play with a trampoline turned on its side to stop the ball if the batsman misses - edge it onto the black bits of the trampoline and you're caught behind. If the ball hits the trampoline without an edge and you were beyond the flat skipping rope (crease), you're out stumped. LBW applies no matter where the ball pitches, as long as it would have hit the stumps. Hit wicket, bowled, handled ball and hit ball twice as normal. Only spin bowling or slow-medium seam is allowed: we play with real balls and bowl from only 12 yards due to garden size limits. Six of the 18 overs must be bowled with the weaker hand. "Caught and dropped" - seen as me and BC mates are so utterly hopeless at catching, if you spill a caught and bowled chance the batsman is out anyway, as most decent cricketers would have caught it. Makes no sense I know! After every six overs players take a fag break. If light becomes too bad, we dont' care. It's the perfect formula for BC. Playing the BBC Cricket theme on a continuous loop is optional.

Our pitch makes things interesting to begin with. There are bumps and divots everywhere, and any balls pitched anywhere on line with off stump will typically veer violently toward leg, or at your head. Any other ball pitched on a good length will almost roll towards you.

Our very special rules:

1. Hit the lone stump at the bowler's end - 5 runs
2. Any ball which rolls along the ground (quite a common occurance when the overhanging tree gets in the way), the bastman can throw the ball in the air and whack it.
3. Over the fence is out IF the fielder gets the ball before the batsman - leads to rugby games sometimes.
4. Anything that is lying around can be used as a fielder (i.e. balls caught in trees - OUT, balls caught on lawn chairs - OUT, balls in wheelbarrows...you get the idea.)
5. Chucking is permitted, providing the ball is not above waist height. It was the only way I could get my brother out. Sad really.

This final rule would get the RSPCA offside, but:
6. Hit the cat on the full, 10 runs. (And pay any medical bills)

Hit the dog on the full its OUT!, but the dog hasnt yet managed to actual catch the ball in her mouth although she fields, she walks in with the bowler and fields the ball, but rarely gives it back to the bowler

If in the circumstances the scores are even and wickets are too then the game leads to a bowling shootout. The player that one the toss also gets to choose who bowls first. The player bowls on the standard pitch, if he wits the wickets thats one point. after 5 turns each the player with the higher score wins the match. If in the circumstances that the score is still tied after the 5 turns, then it turns to sudden death. therefore if the first player hits the wickets on his ball and the second player misses than the first player wins. If the first player misses and the second player misses then they go again. If the first player misses and the second player hits then the second player wins.

If this is confusing than imagine a penalty shootout in soccer.

Leeds United will make it back to the Premier League"You tried and you failed miserably. Lesson here is never try"

Lemon trees and the dog

Used to have about 4 lemon trees - good fielders those Citrus - hit it on the full to a lemon tree and you were gone....and most of the time you were.

Bucket of fresh water at bowling end to clean off dog slobber - Of course this was completely optional. Dog slobber makes a tennis ball do remarkable things but the spray coming off the ball as it nears the batsman (or woman) is "marvellous"

Ball Tearer...

Goin' the Larry Dooley with Roy Symonds"I was thinking 'should I do this in ones or if he sits one up there should I give it some Larry Dooley?
I decided that if he slipped one up there I'd give it some Larry Dooley."