America’s Next Top Model, Season 10, Episode 11

We’re now at five contestants, which is always the tipping point where the viewer starts wondering, do I really like any of these remaining models? It’s Anya, Dominique, Fatima, Katarzyna, and Whitney at this point, and the show’s starting to get that grim “let’s just all get through the remaining episodes and forget this season ever happened, okay?” feel to it.

As the show starts, Fatima’s getting the bee-yotch edit (“I have no competition,” “Katarzyna is dull,” etc.), which usually means ThirdPlace on this show. Unfortunately, since we still have five people, that means Fatima will probably not get the boot tonight.

Time for the challenge, where the models learn how to fight like gladiators. Hilariously, Dominique says “I hope I get to fight Whitney!!! …..I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” No, you’re not. Anyways, it’s basically learning choreography, and Fatima seems to be having a terrible time. Oh, Fatima, I do not see a future on Step It Up And Dance for you after you settle for your third place finish on ANTM.

Off to hair and makeup and they all come back in gladiator costume and are sent to an amphitheater where…. they see the Mister and Miss Jays, who announce that this is a surprise photo shoot! Shrieks. And…. they’ll be fighting huge gladiator dudes! I was kind of hoping they’d release a lion into the arena myself. Alas, all the fights are in very, very slo-mo and no one gets injured. Whitney wins the challenge, and Fatima looks terrible. As her reward, Whitney gets 1000 Euros, which is now equivalent to five bazillion US dollars, and gets to go on a shopping spree with one friend, who is Anya.

And it’s off to the photo shoot. Oh no, it’s the one where Tyra takes the pictures. “Mama’s in charge today and Mama’s gonna be taking her babies’ pictures.” Who writes Tyra’s dialogue? My God. The theme of the photo shoot is Renaissance Exaggeration (huh?), which basically means look like a drag queen in an Italian palazzo. Jay and Tyra both note that Dominique looks kind of like Cruella de Vil but in a fabulous kind of way. Katarzyna, no doubt demoralized by the continuous mispronunciation of her name on the show, gets told she looks like Walk Like An Egyptian, like fifty times because Tyra is unable to come up with more than one pop cultural insult per model per shoot, and Whitney gets told she looks like Mae West. Tyra’s advice to Whitney: “More fashion, less sex — it takes the hooch away.” Maybe they’ll stencil that on the wall of the next season’s models’ apartment.

….Annnnd it’s panel. Tyra greets the girls with a threatening “Bonsoir,” and then gets the skipping needle noise as everyone goes, “That’s French!” Tyra then shyly confesses that she was actually very nervous at the photo shoot because “I was shooting with artificial light for the very first time.” Oooooh, Tyra, you’re a risktaker. All the judges are like, “oh, Tyyyyyyra, your pictures are so beaaaaaautiful,” and I’m totally rolling my eyes like, was their show-taping bonus tied to this sucking-up performance, and then Paulina says, “You should do this full time. I’ll take over the show and you just take photographs.” HA!!!!! I love Paulina. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! ANTM would be so much more awesome if Paulina took over as the host!!!

So Dominique gets slammed for her large sweater over leggings outfit, Katarzyna gets the Walk Like An Egyptian line again, and Whitney looks like the space aliens are about to beam her up into the ship in her picture. Fatima actually takes a very nice picture, and I don’t really remember what Anya’s picture looked like. At the panel, Nigel says Anya is doing very well, but “can she really represent America?” Is it because of her bizarre accent? And Dominique is proclaimed to look much better in pictures than in person, but that she looks too much like a game show hostess. Sure, if the game show is Trannyshack.

Blah blah blah, four pictures in Tyra’s hands, blah blah, pack up and leave the house immediately: and smirky Fatima wins! Dominique comes in second because Tyra doesn’t like her outfit, and Anya gets third. It’s between Katarzyna and Whitney, and, despite having been selected as the Cover Girl of the Week by the viewers, Katarzyna gets the boot. Whitney then gets the advice that she has to “show her diversity” if she wants to succeed. I’m kind of hoping Whitney showing her diversity will involve some kind of participation by the Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

Miss Jay rips Katarzyna’s name off his glitter contestants’ vest, and I was kind of satisfied to see that all the names on the left hand side of the vest have now been taken off.

Thank goodness, only two more episodes of this show to go. I kind of hate everyone else that’s left on this show now, so I must say I don’t really care one way or the other who wins or loses — I’m thinking I’m going to root for the person who’s going to make the most awkward My Life As A Cover Girl commercials for next season. Is that Anya or Dominique? I’m not sure! (What IS that Anya accent?) I hope Fatima is in the final two, though (even though I just said she’s getting the Third Place Bee-yotch edit), because it’ll be entertaining to watch her horrible stiff walk through the final runway show. Oh, Lurch, I wish you were going to be on that runway too!