Holy Shit! Can you believe it’s actually almost been 25 years since the original Karate Kid movie? That means that Ralph Machio is, like, 60, right? It also explains why I liked Karate Kid as much as I did, grasshopper. I was 9. I also liked “Dukes of Hazzard,” and El DeBarge. Nine year olds would make terrible critics. 1984 was a great year for movies, though: Ghostbusters, Footloose, Beverly Hills Cop …. Oh, God! You Devil. Well, the 25-year-old bell will soon toll, so a remake is mandatory (see Footloose) unless you’re still working on sequels (see, Ghostbusters and Beverly Hills Cop). Ha ha! You know what else came in out 1984? Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.

Anyway, so, yeah: It’s official. They’re remaking Karate Kid. The plot will mirror the first movie, only this one will be set largely in Beijing. I have no idea why. Jaden Smith will star. That’s the devil spawn of Will Smith. He’s 10 years old, which is only 13 years younger than Ralph Macchio when he made Karate Kid. Can a 10-year-old even muster the strength to inflict pain? Ten-year olds are still part cartilage, right? What’s the leg sweep gonna do? What about the illegal jabs to the hector? A ten-year old would barely blink. This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. Why don’t they just remake Top Gun and get Jaden to play Maverick? Or cast him as Mickey Rourke’s character in 9 ½ Weeks? God, I hate Hollywood.