Flag Etiquette

New column!

Recently, the Undeniably Heterosexual Boy Scout mailbox has been filling up with letters regarding the proper handling and display of Old Glory, and while I'm glad to see a resurgence of patriotism and support for our boys who are risking life and limb to subdue a tribal nation through technological might, I'm afraid I've been a bit dismayed as to the amount of flag desecration we're seeing in these dark says. Let's get to your letters, and see if we can sort this out.

Dear UHBS: What's the best way to affix Old Glory to my car? Millicent, Irvine

Didn't I help you across the street once, Millicent? And this is how you say thanks? You're a wicked, wicked woman, Millicent, and you're going to hell. Here's why: according to the National Society of the Sons of the American Revolution (NSSAR), "The flag should not be draped over the hood, top, sides or back of a vehicle or of a railroad train or a boat. When the flag is displayed on a motorcar, the staff shall be fixed firmly to the chassis or clamped to the right fender." So, yeah, all of you folks who're out there trying to proudly display your pride in America, YOU'RE FOULING IT UP! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! Dislodge the Stars and Stripes from the back of your pickup truck, and for God's sake, take the flag off your antenna. An antenna is not a staff, and by pretending it is, you're just showing how ignorant and lazy you are, and that, Millicent, is downright un-American. What do you think this is, Cuba?

There's a correct way to Americanize your car, according to the Boy Scout Handbook: "Flag decals and stickers may be correctly displayed on the inside of motor vehicle side windows."

Similarly, Millicent, you should be wary of any business that prominently displays the flag to advertise products. According to the NSSAR, "The flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever." I know you think you're being a good American—drinking Budweiser and buying Ford SUVs and such. And make no mistake: spending money is the American way. But until these businesses stop desecrating our noble flag, we must assume that they are communists or terrorists, trying to infect our people with their godless—or maybe godly—drivel, so they can usurp our freedoms and make merry with our womenfolk. Or not. These businesses must desist immediately. Don't make me get Webelo on your ass!

Lastly, nothing does my heart prouder than to see a healthy American girl in a stars-and-stripes bikini down at Laguna's Main Beach, but alas, it's also true that, as NSSAR says, "a flag should never be used as wearing apparel or bedding." It can also not be used as part of a costume or uniform, unless you are a soldier, fireman, policeman, member of a patriotic organization, or a superhero like the living legend Captain America. The correct way to express your patriotism through fashion is through a stately and dignified lapel pin worn very, very close to your heart.

Now, I understand that in the throes of patriotic passion, a lot of flags have been inadvertently desecrated. The NSSAR recommends that "when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, [the flag] should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning."

I have a solution:collect the desecrated flags and drop them on the Taliban (after the bombs, silly). They will enthusiastically burn the flags in the streets. Problem solved! God bless George W. Bush, and God bless the United States of America!