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Disclaimer: I am a cis (almost entirely) straight female. Because I write from my own perspective, this article will be fairly heteronormative, meaning it is about straight cis males and not reciprocating oral sex with straight cis females. And I’m sorry about that, but I cannot write about things I have not (yet) experienced. But if you are hooking up with someone of the same sex and your partner isn’t returning the favor, that should just be grounds for flat-out termination. Don’t put up with that blatant unfairness under any circumstances!

Ladies, I don’t know about you, but I am sick and tired of getting bad head and/or giving it and not getting it in return. Our sexist society tacitly accepts men not reciprocating oral sex. When talking with my friends about the topic, we estimated that only 25% of the guys we have given head to have returned the favor. Sure, we may not have explicitly asked for reciprocation of oral in high school (that’s about to change), but there is still no excuse for such a low percentage.

I’d like to hope that the guys who don’t reciprocate oral sex are just not confident enough in their abilities as cunnilinguists to do so. However, sometimes it’s really for just plain dickish reasons. My best friend’s ex once said to her (and I’m quoting here): “Nah, I don’t eat girls out. It’s probably gross down there, I don’t want to put my mouth where another dick has been, and I got too much pride.” It’s safe to say I kindlyencouraged her to dump him. If your partner isn’t reciprocating, ask him about it. If he says something along those horribly insulting lines, storm out of the room and end. that. shit. You are amazing and so is your vagina!

Do you feel it? That change in the air. That sickening curious smell of… romantic bliss?

Yes, Brunonia. The beginning of November means that cuffing season is upon us. For those of you lucky enough to come from a warm part of the country, where cuffin’ season just isn’t really a thing, or for those of you who simply missed the term, cuffing season is:

An annual phenomenon in which people decide to hook up exclusively (i.e. get “cuffed” or tied down) just as it is starting to get cold out.

When trying to determine which aspect of Halloween I wanted to write about for this week’s Sextion post, I was distraught as all hell. The former Sextion columnists absolutely killed it in the costume department: if you need to know what not to wear if you want to hook up with someone this Halloweekend, what sex your costume will inspire, and what your costume says about your sexuality, check them out!

What could I write about, though? A Halloween-themed Sextion post seemed hopeless until it hit me: candy. Candy’s the part of Halloween you cared the most about when you were a little kid, but nowadays it seems to take the backseat to sexy costumes and partying (ugh).

However, candy, often ignored in the college Halloween scene, can be sexy and fun, too! So, in honor of this holiday’s real star, here is your sex life as explained by Halloween candies:

M&Ms: A dime a dozen, not that interesting, and slightly unsatisfying, M&Ms are missionary. However, you can eat about a million of these without ever getting bored, so maybe I should cut M&Ms/missionary some slack.

Lifesavers: Lifesavers are the end of a long sexual dry spell. Let’s agree that that much needed hookup just might’ve saved your life/sanity

Airheads: Airheads are a little strange (their texture? their shape? their colors?) till you realize how AMAZING they are. You know what else seems weird until you get the hang of it? High sex.

Oh Henry!s: Clearly, “Ohhhhhhhh” Henrys are great sex with a guy named Henry. Unfortunately, like these candy bars, which I have literally never laid eyes upon before, Henrys are fairly hard to find in this day and age. If only they were called “Oh Mike!”s or “Oh Matt!”s!

Take 5: When the sex is so bomb you need to take a 5 minute break.

SweeTarts: SweeTarts are sex with your high school sweetheart. Sadly, just as you slowly realize that you’ve outgrown that relationship, you also eventually come to the understanding that Sweetarts are low-key gross.

Snickers: Snickers are when you have an awkward moment while hooking up (such as not being able to get your partner’s clothes off or accidentally bumping teeth while aggressively making out), but you’re both awesome enough to giggle it off and continue.

Sour Patch Kids: What do Sour Patch Kids have in common with hate sex? First they’re sour, then they’re sweet.

3 Musketeers: The makers of this candy bar are just begging me to point out its obvious threesome nature. You kinky musketeers you.Butterfingers: I almost didn’t include this one because it’s so obvious. Clearly, Butterfingers, my favorite candy bar, would be fingering, my favorite form of foreplay.

Mr. Goodbar: Mr. Goodbar knows how to treat a lady, if you know what I mean.

I hope I ruined the childlike innocence of some of your favorite Halloween candies. Now go have an awesome Halloweekend, Brunonia!

Have you ever tried to have shower sex, but then had the whole situation turn into an absolute disaster? Were you freezing cold because your partner was hogging all of the warm water? Did your mom come home while the two of you were in the shower? Did you fall down and have to get 7 stitches on your left knee? Wait. No. Why would you remember that? That was me.

Anyway, despite this disastrous encounter with shower sex, I still maintain that it is fun. And yet, living on campus, it seems almost unattainable due to a potential lack of privacy, cleanliness, the proper partner, etc. But don’t worry, it is certainly possible to get away with this sneaky, playful, and adventurous sex act on campus. Here’s how:

Step one: Find someone who wants to have sex with you.

Bonus points if they are someone you feel extremely comfortable around. Showering together is intimate, raw, and definitely a little awkward/fumbly/silly the first time you do it with someone, so it’s best to choose a partner who can laugh with you.

Step two: Pick an appropriate shower.

Appropriate showers include:

The single-use, gender-neutral bathrooms that many dorms have. They have showers, and, more importantly, doors that lock (!!!).

These showers are as good as it gets for college shower sex in terms of privacy and comfort. Also, you could definitely get pretty sexually imaginative with the benches in them.

Iffy but doable showers include:

Any hallway-style bathroom with multiple shower stalls, such as those in Andrews, Keeney, Miller, Metcalf, Slater, Hope, most of the dorms on Wriston, etc.

Consumed by all of the hustle and bustle of midterms, it’s a wonder you’re getting any sleep at all—let alone sleeping long enough to have sex dreams! But, if you’re like me, you’re having them anyway! So let’s decode those sex dreams, Brunonia.

Dreaming of… sex with an ex:

You’re almost certainly just sorting through some old unresolved feelings. Give it some reflection and move on with your life (and in your sex dreams).

“But Demiiiiii, it was really good dream-sex and I think I maybe want to get back together with them.”

Just don’t. It never works out. You broke up for a good reason!

Dreaming of… cheating on your significant other in the SciLi 00 decibels area:

If you’ve been dreaming of cheating, not only are you feeling unsatisfied with you and your S.O.’s sex life, but you are also quite confident in your ability to have sex completely unnoticed in a (fairly quiet) public place. I say combine these two in real life and make it a win-win?

Before you know it, you and Hookup are on top of each other. Your hand on the back of their neck. Their hand running through your luscious head of hair. Both of you thinking you’re the master of seduction (keep telling yourself that). You whisper, “Let’s go back to my place,” because that’s what TV and movies have told you to do, and the two of you begin your stumbling, wobbly journey across campus to the overflowing landfill that is your dorm room.

Things are going smoothly until you remember that you didn’t expect making it this far.

Spare toothbrush: Hookup’s had a wild day. From Andrews Commons’ breakfast burrito to mystery hooch, their breath probably isn’t doing so hot. Be their knight in shining armor and hand them one of your toothbrushes lying around (not the one you use to scrub toilets with). While you’re at it, hit them up with some floss, and you’re practically their dentist.

Baby wipes: Time is money, they say. Well in this case, time is what both of you don’t have to take a shower and clean yourselves before passing out. Grab a couple of wipes, rub off that stank of the day from your armpits and groin, and you’ll both be as fresh as Will Smith from that one show in west Philadelphia.