AT RISE: SATAN, wearing a business suit and red tie, is passing out brochures to a group of angels. There is an open briefcase on the table next to him.

SATAN

I know what you’re thinking and I don’t blame you. You have every right to be suspicious...so although the name-calling was a bit unnecessary, I won’t hold it against you. I’m not here to cause trouble...all I’m asking for is two minutes of your time. Just two minutes, and then I’ll never bother you again. You have my word.

(clearing his throat)

Now, I know you’ve always been told that you live in the greatest place in the world...a paradise, if you will. And I won’t disagree with that...but I do want you to be aware of your options. So please just try to keep an open mind as I tell you about another utopia...

(dramatic pause)

Hell! I realize that Hell is known as a horrible place of misery and suffering, but if you look through the brochures I’ve given you, I think you’ll see that everything you thought you knew about Hell is untrue. I know you all worship God, and I respect that. You think you can trust him, and why shouldn’t you? Well, I’ll tell you why...he lied to you!

(collective gasp from the angels)

Why would he lie, you might ask? It’s simple really-he’s jealous of me. There was a time when we were friends...but our friendship ended the way most friendships do. God and I were inseparable until about two thousand years ago-that’s when she came into our lives. I was standing at the gates as I did every day, deciding who to let in. It had been a disappointing day so far-business was slow and I was getting restless. But then I saw her standing there, an angel in a white halter top and skintight leather pants. Her name was Sapphire and she was a dancer. She wasn’t on the list, but I said I’d let her in anyway...if she would let me take her out to dinner.

(taking a deep breath)

When God found out, he demoted me-he said that I broke the rules and that Heaven was no place for a girl like her...until he saw her and decided he wanted her for himself. He started buying her jewelry and naming planets after her, but she wasn’t interested, so he kicked both of us out of Heaven. He’s never really gotten over the fact that she picked me over him. He has devoted his entire life to making me look bad...and I’m not a bad guy! He’s told so many lies about me that everyone thinks I’m this awful person...and none of it is true! I don’t eat babies or steal people’s souls... And I don’t care what anyone says, I am not responsible for Freddie Prinze Jr.’s acting career-I can’t believe that so many people think I’m capable of such evil! Every time something bad happens, I get blamed for it...all because God can’t let go of some little thing that happened two thousand years ago.

(pause; he regains his composure)

But I digress... I know what you all think, but I’m here to tell you that Hell is not the torturous world it has been made out to be. It is in fact a happy place...just like Hawaii!

(gradually becoming more animated)

In Hell, the weather is warm and the fun never ends! You’ll love our refreshing spa, where you’ll have access to hot springs, saunas, and an Olympic-size swimming pool! Or you can work out in the gym-our state-of-the-art facilities are quite impressive...believe me, you’ll have no problem sweating off those extra pounds! We also have our own amusement park, Satan’s Fiery Pit of Fun, which includes plenty of rides, as well as an arcade, petting zoo, and miniature golf course! Check out our world-famous casino, voted number one for the fourth consecutive year by Travel Magazine! You can even start your day off at the bar if you’d like-here in Hell, no one judges you for drinking before noon! Have you ever dreamed of meeting a celebrity? Well, then come on down! Rock stars, actors, world leaders...we’ve got tons of them! And let’s not forget Karaoke Thursday!

So as you can see, Hell is the real paradise...it’s the Jamaica of the afterlife! If you still aren’t convinced...have I got an offer for you! The first thirty days are free of charge, and once the trial period is up, you can go back to Heaven if you are not one hundred percent satisfied! No strings attached! Give Hell a chance-what have you got to lose?

This is a once-in-a-lifetime offer, so you better act fast! You could be making the biggest mistake of your life if you let this opportunity pass you by!