Re: The Sex thread

Originally Posted by TomAz

BD does pete piss on you?

No, but he has pissed me off numerous times.

Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.

Re: The Sex thread

Originally Posted by miscorrections

Please keep us posted on your pegging progress.

I just discovered this is like one of those tongue twisters you say like 10 times, really fast.

Its like the Infinite Monkey Theorem, if you put X amount of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and ask them to give you Shakespeare 99% of them will fling their shit at you while the other 1% will masturbate in the corner.

Re: The Sex thread

hahahahahahaha

“Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”

It was around this time I began to suspect that many of Cosmo’s sex tips were in fact fueled by hunger. When Cosmo’s not advising us on how to incorporate the contents of our pantries into our sex lives, it is advising us on how to lose weight, so how else to explain this questionable use of eating utensils? Since I would never turn down the chance to stab my girlfriend in the name of journalism, I made my way into the kitchen and grabbed a medium-sized, four-pronged IKEA fork.

Her eyes widened as I made my way to the bed, and she said, “We’re really just going straight into this—no foreplay?”

“No foreplay,” I said. “Only forkplay.”

She protested for the first time throughout this bad sex experiment, so I relented and we fooled around for a while before proceeding. When she felt warmed up I picked up the fork and lightly dragged it across her stomach. “Fuck, that’s cold,” she said. And it was. Because it’s a fork. It doesn’t really adapt to your body temperature. I breathed hotly on it and then stuck it between my thighs to make it warmer. If making out while clenching a fork between your thighs isn’t the height of eroticism, I don’t know what is.

Foregoing the warmth factor, I took to pressing the fork into various fleshy parts of her body—her tits, thighs, butt, and so on. My girlfriend is usually quite responsive to touch of all kinds, but forking her was getting no reaction.

Re: The Sex thread

Re: The Sex thread

In both cases, I'm pretty sure the only way I could even wrestle up an erection is if we filled Amy/Gunz's mouth with concrete. I don't think a ball gag would stop the incessant unintelligible mumbling.

Re: The Sex thread

Re: The Sex thread

Originally Posted by thelastgreatman

In both cases, I'm pretty sure the only way I could even wrestle up an erection is if we filled Amy/Gunz's mouth with concrete. I don't think a ball gag would stop the incessant unintelligible mumbling.

Well, that's one sure-fire way of creating an image in your likeness for the board...