City Announces 4th Of July Celebration: Burien Town Square Implosion

The City of Burien announced today (Friday, April 1st) that, due to a “major, serious lack of interest,” and “not a chance in hell that this thing will ever sell,” they will be imploding the troubled Burien Town Square development as part of a new city-sponsored fireworks event on July 4th.

“We’re gonna implode this sucka in the same style that many old Vegas hotels have been blowed up,” said Mike Martin via a series of Tweets. “In fact, we’re using the same company that has imploded many others. And get this – there will be fireworks too! It’s gonna be aweso-” he added before running out of Twitter characters.

Once the nearly-empty building is destroyed, it will be replaced by a brand new Gottschalk’s department store. Groundbreaking will begin on July 5th.

“It’ll be great to have a real department store in downtown Burien,” said newly-hired Economic Development & Fashion Manager Skip Quigley. “Because that’s what this city has been missing – a place centrally located where you can buy noisy cord pants. Hey, do you know if anyone actually lives in that building? Oh well, they’ll find out eventually, right?”

Burienites will finally have a centrally-located department store, where they can buy noisy cord pants.

Bleachers are already being erected in Town Square Park, a giant Beer Garden will be built, and the city plans on charging $25 per person to witness the spectacle, which will begin at 10pm sharp on Monday, July 4th.

Viewers must register on the city’s website, and a 23-page Release Form must be signed, along with something called a “Notice For Next Of Kin.”

Children will be encouraged to play for FREE on 15 newly-installed Bouncy Houses that will be placed on the sidewalks, immediately adjacent to and surrounding the Town Square building.

We Blow ‘Em Up Real Good, a Kent-based company best known for exploding a whale on the Oregon Coast, along with many other “theatrical” implosions throughout the world (see demo videos below), was the lowest bidder, and has been contracted to destroy Burien Town Square for the bargain rate of $1,349.99. Meth-influenced workers have already broken into Town Square and have placed 265 explosive charges throughout the building, and will connect confusing wire fuses to a faulty generator beginning July 3rd, immediately following a work party sponsored by Jågermeister at Mick Kelly’s Irish Pub.

“This should be a hella 4th that this city will not soon forget!” added Mayor Joan McGilton, who cast the deciding vote to assign herself as the sole dignitary to set off the implosion by pushing a giant red ignition button. “I can hardly wait!”

Mayor McGilton will commence the implosion by breaking a large bottle of champagne over the giant red button, all while standing on the roof of Town Square, accompanied by city employees and councilmembers.

“This should give us all a very unique and interesting vantage point,” McGilton added.

Accompanying the mayor will BTB Photographer Michael Brunk, who will be roaming inside the building taking photos, along with Bart Bryan, shooting video from a corner condo as it implodes – both capturing exclusive, never-before-seen “Inside Point-Of-View” angles of the implosion.

We plan on streaming a live video of the implosion right here on The B-Town Blog, so be sure to look for that beginning at Noon on July 4th. We’ll also be covering the city’s memorial service, already planned for the following Saturday, July 9th.

Comments

Oh man! It will be sad to lose such an awesome photographer like Mike Brunk, but all for a good cause, right? Sounds like a rockin party – bouncy houses, faulty generators, and drunken explosions- I’m filling out my release forms and Next of Kin paperwork as we speak! 🙂