Animal laws are pet projects for lawmakers

IN WHAT the city of Kingston considers the most important issue after your nasty smoking habit, city lawmakers are planning to charge $160 for dog adoptions in order to humanely cut their private parts (that would be the dogs' private parts, not the lawmakers').

In the past, the city adopted out the dogs without charging the fees, leaving the spaying and neutering up to the owners, who would then proceed to not spay or neuter their dogs.

Note that "spaying" and "neutering" is different from mutilating. Using euphemisms, after all, is the humane thing to do.

IT'S all part of a trend lawmakers embarked upon some time ago. Soon after realizing animals can't vote, politicians began passing all sorts of bestial rules to distract the public from the fact that their dogs ate their homework.

In Rosendale, town lawmakers are currently considering amending the law to prohibit your cat from invading properties (bear invasions are still OK).

It's all because cats in Rosendale have super powers, such as meowing, coughing hair balls, bird chasing, copulating and waste-secreting.

Rosendale should remember how the progressive village of New Paltz didn't waste any time in 1999 secreting an ordinance solving that very problem.

Instead of declaring cats a nuisance, the village decided to kill them all.

But unfortunately, no cats were killed. Upon learning of the news, Pets Alive, a Middletown group which likes to meddle with sensible cat-killing-laws, came forward and decided to save all the creatures.

That sort of reaction happens when laws are proposed to kill cute animals, which is why cats get protection and turkeys get shot.

But that didn't stop the cow-eating state of Florida from introducing a bill trying to ban cow tipping in 2004. During voting, a problem with hanging chads made Pat Buchanan the winner. So the ban didn't pass.

Alas, it's not all silly rules or crazy politicians. For instance, the village of Athens is set to open a "Park of Paws" playground for dogs in late September. Finally, dogs will be able to bite you with all the freedom they deserve.