Sasha Answers: She’s having a baby but I’m not

My husband's best friend (M) is dating a girl (R) who I have always been less than fond of. I've tried to get along with her, but she's so abrasive and opinionated that I find it difficult to find anything redeeming in her. Her and M have a terrible relationship - they have broken up SO many times over the few years they've been together and she treats M like total garbage. But a few months ago things really took a turn for me. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now, and I finally found out I was expecting a few months ago. The same day we found out our happy news, I found out that R was pregnant too. I was shocked and annoyed by the news, but was too happy about my own news to care that much. 3 weeks ago (at 12 weeks) I lost our baby. It was devastating.

In light of my miscarriage, I find the thought of even seeing R (and her growing belly) sickening. I do everything I can to avoid her and my husband is upset that I refuse to hang out because of her. I feel a ton of animosity towards her and I honestly feel like crying at the thought of having to see her pregnant. It feels like a knife in my heart that she got to keep the baby that they weren't even (officially) trying for, and I lost ours after years of trying without success. What do I do?? D

___

D, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your baby. I can’t imagine the disappointment, especially after trying for so long. So yes, you are entitled to feel sad and frustrated, and you have all my sympathy on that.

Buttttttt what you aren’t allowed to do is pass bad vibes and straight up venom to someone who is experiencing something amazing and miraculous in her life. I don’t care if you don’t like her and I don’t care if you think she has a f-cked up relationship -- the bottom line is that she has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the loss of your child and while you might know that on a mental level, emotionally you haven’t grasped that.

I’ve talked about envy before and D, I can’t promise that if you let that feeling go you’ll have a baby of your own one day, but I can promise you that envy will eat up every bit of happiness you’ve ever had. I really don’t want that to happen to you.

Look, I’m not saying you need to chum it up with her, but redirecting your pain and sadness onto her is not only totally unfair but totally irrational. So it’s time for you to face your own problems, your own loss, and your own fears about this miscarriage and start working them out.

Thanks for writing in and keep me posted. I’m sending some good baby making vibes your way! xx