ANTM6 Ep. 8 Recap: Beyond the Valley of America’s Next Top Dolls

I love dolls, all types of dolls: Barbie dolls, Dresden Dolls, RealDolls…I may hate clowns, but I can get down with dolls. That’s why this week I am pleased as a hot pot pie to announce that one of the episode’s leitmotifs involves dolls; and the other, you ask? The “darker side of modeling” according to AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL (which apparently includes torture by dentistry and Janice Dickinson)—Muah hahahaha!!! Also this episode: Jade gets fluffed down by her mom (not as bad is it sounds) and Nnenna needs to get a restraining order for John (I mean it, girl, you’re gonna need one!).

It’s All About the Hamiltons, Baby

The show opens with someone happy (!) for a change. Joanie is overjoyed that the judges found her krump ass scrumptious enough to give her the top spot at the last elimination ceremony. “I’m proud of myself, I finally came out number one,” she says, beaming beautifully. So you’re telling me you didn’t win on at least one of those amateur stripping nights? The shame! You would have had my vote—and an Alexander Hamilton stuffed in your g-string to boot, because that’s how I roll.

You can’t get through longer than three minutes of this show before someone is pouting, however, and who better to do that than trout-mouthed Brooke. Her pictures have been su-hu-hucking and she knows she needs to “step it and do well” this week or risk being sent back to Africa—oops, I mean Texas. Yeah, if Texas is so great then why not just go back there?

Nnenna is on the phone again with her boyfriend, John. I hope she was able to declare him when she filed her taxes this year. You can declare co-dependents, can’t you? Furonda observes that Nnenna and her boyfriend are having problems, saying “It all started when she kissed the guy Vaughan.” Oh but I think the problems started long before she smooched that male model; I think the problems probably began the second she ever decided to hook up with this needy, whinging, overgrown infant. Whenever the trouble began, Furonda thinks Nnenna needs to fix it before it affects her performance in the competition. Forget about that, fix it before it affects me! I cringe every time I hear him raise his voice to her.

Deprise Surprise

The next day, the girls pay a little visit to the Strausberg Advertising Agency, where they meet photographer (whose last name is the perfect onomatopoeic representation of the sound a cat makes when it hacks up a hairball) Jeff Lorch who tells them that they are here to meet with an influential creative director and himself in hopes of booking them a commercial. Jeff disappears to peruse their portfolios with the woman who supposedly launched many a top model’s career, Deprise Brescia.

What they don’t know is that Deprise is a hired actress (and former model) who is as good at cruelly tormenting people’s insecurities as she is a total babe. The challenge is to see how the girls comport themselves under intense scrutiny and harsh criticism, something Deprise says women in the industry encounter all the time.

Deprise Brescia: Some people will pay to have a woman this hot treat them that bad.

She begins by telling Nnenna that her stomach needs work when she looks at one of her photos (the African one with Vaughan); Nnenna says she doesn’t know what happened in that picture, and Deprise snaps, “You’re stomach’s not looking that good in person either.” The normally unflappable Nnenna shows signs of, well, flappableness. It gets worse. Deprise at one point tells Nnenna that she has the face of a transvestite. “She has issues,” Nnenna says, “I think I’m cute, I don’t think I look like a drag queen.”

Deprise tells Furonda she looks “anorexic”; gets on Danielle for the gap in her front teeth; finds fault with Sara’s bottom lip being larger than her top; thinks Joanie photographs “old” and Brooke “masculine.” Deprise finds some girls had a harder time recovering from their verbal bashings; Joanie is especially effected by comments on her smile, self-conscious of her own, fairly prominent snaggletooth.

The challenge does not end there, however. Immediately following the harsh tongue lashings of Deprise, the girls must take a Polaroid. “It’s important to be able to shake this off and do your job,” Deprise says, and unfortunately for many of the girls, the displeasure is written all over their faces. Never in your life did see such strained smiles plastered desperately over tense faces, except perhaps at the Playboy Mansion when Hugh has just gotten a refill on his Viagra prescription.

Most of the girls are done and sitting around a table licking their wounds, none happy to have their faults pointed out, especially in the brusque way Deprise hands their asses to them. Despite their pain, they are also anxiously waiting for the results of the title match of the evening: Jade, “The Biracial Butterfly that Stings like a Bee” vs. Deprise “Bring You to Your Knees” Brescia.

Jade enters the ring confidently but not cockily, and surprisingly, of all the girls, handles Deprise the best. Whenever Deprise throws a punch (saying Jade looks “like a dude” and wincing over her nose and high forehead), Jade takes the comment gracefully and manages to turn it to her advantage (responding that her androgyny makes her “versatile” and that her bold features “pop”). Even Jeff is impressed with how Jade “owns who she is.” And how does Jade explain her ability to handle the interview so well? “Deprise is cut-throat; I’ve dealt with this kind of cut-throatedness before,” the pot says of the kettle. In her Polaroid, Jade makes sure to cover her forehead with her hand.

At the end of the whole ordeal, Jeff and Deprise finally reveal to all the girls that Deprise is the actress. Jade is the only girl to applaud her, while the rest smile wanly and look like they still want to jump Deprise in the parking lot later on to tear her perfectly blown out hair from the scalp of her pretty little head. “I did not see that coming,” Danielle exclaims, even though THEY PULL A STUNT LIKE THIS AT LEAST ONCE EVERY CYCLE, HELLOOO! Deprise apologizes and says that being mean was “really hard” and she felt “guilty” the entire time. I would still watch my back on the way to my car, darling.

Jeff says the test was to see how well they take criticism and still be able to do their job and produce a good Polaroid. Jeff and Deprise announce that, for being unphased by anything thrown at her, Jade is the winner. She picks Nnenna as her friend who will share the prize. A “surprise package” will be delivered to each of them at home.

Fluff a Nutter

Later on at home, two big boxes await the Jade and Nnenna. “Something’s in that box!” Danielle screams when one moves. Jade walks around the back and shrieks when she sees her mom emerge. They embrace, and Jade is so obviously overcome with genuine joy that it brings her to tears and for the first time I’m starting to see her as more than “Jade the Bitchy Reality TV Character” and as a real human being. Though that doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy still making jokes about “Jade the Bitchy Reality TV Character” when the opportunity arises, to me no one who loves their mother that much can be 100% evil, right? Like Norman Bates from Psycho. Okay, bad example.

Out of the other box bursts…JOHN, Nnenna’s scary boyfriend!!! Eek! Why do I have a feeling he wasn’t actually sent for by producers, and is just stalking her? I just know that Nnenna’s mother is tied up in a utility closet at Hobby Airport in Houston, trying to cry for help through the gag in her mouth. Nnenna does not look overly thrilled and actually stiffens when John starts pawing at her and smothering her with kisses. She even says later that she thought for a moment it was one of her sisters in the box, which was perhaps “wishful thinking.” “I felt indifferent,” she admits. Nnenna, please just break up with him already!

I’m guessing all of this happens on another day, some time after their visit to the Strausberg Agency, because everyone is wearing different clothing, and for practical reasons, how would the producers know who would win the challenge and which loved one to fly out? Unless there are 5 other people stuffed in boxes in a warehouse in LA, calling out, “Um, and how long are we supposed to wait in here?”

Jade takes her mom on a tour of the house, including the yummy Nigel Barker dining room, where at least if you drool, you have a napkin nearby. At one point, Jade’s mom turns to her and asks, “Can I fluff you down?” Whoa, hold up people, what the heck? “My mom does energy work; she pulls energy through the universe through her hands.” Oh so this is some kind of New Age hippy business—Thank GOD! Where I come from (Southern California, Porn Capitol of the Universe), “fluffing” means something entirely different. So saying “You’re mother’s a fluffer!” is likely to get you a punch in the mouth ‘round here.

Now that I know Jade’s mom is a superhero with the power to pull energy through the universe and shoot fireballs from her hands, I can relax. But just how does this kind of “fluffing” work? Jade lies down in prone position while her mother lays hands on her and then waves them around in the air above her as soft New Agey world music plays. Hmm, if you ask me, this looks a whole lot like an exorcism mixed with a spa treatment. The power of Aveda compels you! So this is how Jade’s mom was able to put up with Jade and her demons all these years…

Jade, how many times have I told you, no levitating on a school night!

Nnenna and John go straight to a bedroom—normally two young folks in love would take this opportunity for a little bow chicka bow bow, but instead Nnenna paces around the room defensively like a caged lion, as she frantically does some spin control on the Vaughan-snogging incident. She downplays what happened, making it seem like she just “took the kiss” without at all enjoying it. “Oh no, you don’t get off that easy,” John says, laughingly while “massaging” (or perhaps preparing to strangle) her neck. Remember the cameras, John, whispers the voice in the head, In due time she will pay…oh yes, she will pay.

All Dolled Up

TyraMail says, “Some say models are brainless living dolls. Are you?” What evil plans does Tyra have now? Lobotomies? Is that why this episode’s official title is “The Girl Who Has Surgery?” Tyra, why are you aiming that ice pick in my direction? [screams] Hey if it worked for Rosemary Kennedy, it could work for you too!

The girls are, however, not brought to an operating room, but a studio, where Jay Manuel tells the girls a heartwarming story from his youth (accompanied with appropriately cute kid picture): that his sister always got him in trouble for stealing her dolls. He claims he loved them because they have “perfect hair,” says he of the perfect, platinum, plasticine cap he calls his hair. I mean, with that hair and his tan, he does look kind of like a doll himself…

Look it’s Jay! Holy crap, what is that hanging around his neck, a c-ring?

For the photo shoot today (shot by Pascal Demeester, who also took this cycle’s wonderful baldheaded photos—what is he, Tyra’s indentured servant?) the girls will be portraying different kinds of dolls for Pantene Pro-V—Go, buy Pantene now…NOW, I SAID, GO BEFORE JAY BEATS YOU WITH A BOAR’S HAIR BRUSH!!! Joanie will be a ventriloquist’s doll (they used to say “dummy” back in the days before ventriloquist’s dolls fought for political correctness); Joanie, a “teen doll” (a kind of Bratz or My Scene type ho); Furonda, a rag doll (a high fashion Raggedy Ann); Jade, a mannequin (wasn’t she already this once this season?); Brooke, a “glam doll” (your more traditional Barbie); Nnenna, a baby doll (do they mean the creepy ones whose eyes seem to follow you around the room?); and Danielle, a marionette (Team America, **** YEAH!).

Mitch Stone, Pantene pro stylist, gets on the girls’ heads and hawks his snake oil (actually “intense sheen oil spray”); meanwhile, cute, young Mark Wahlberg lookalike Alexander Rankovic shows up and Jay introduces him as Joanie’s “puppetmaster” in her ventriloquist shot today. A lot of the girls are envious that Joanie will get to sit on this hunky male model’s knee for the day, and you can’t blame them when you see Alex’s bare chest getting rubbed with oil before the shot. “Can we share?” Danielle asks? Amen, this guy can stick his hand up my backside any day! (Wait, I’m sorry that didn’t come out right.)

The hair is done, the makeup is done, the wardrobe is done; it’s time to shoot. First up is Joanie, who looks adorable as the ventriloquist doll (although the mouth makeup looks kind of vampiric more than dummy). She has no trouble hopping atop Alex’s knee, and does a wondrous job moving her body into appropriately wooden poses. She even gets Jay’s seal of approval, who says she’s “looking good” but then wants her to try some shots with a smile. She says later, “I didn’t want to smile; I had trained my mouth before to kind of cover my teeth.” Awww, poor Joanie. I love your snaggletooth! You could open up a can of tuna with that thing, but I love it!

Sara must pose in a box for her “teen doll” look, for which Jay wants her to give “attitude” and “sass.” She’s looking good to me, but Jay gets on her case for posing to big and not tight enough, noting dolls would be packaged in a small space. Brooke gets into her box and looks hesitant and confused. Jay even stops her shoot to ask what is going on. Even instructing her to pose like she is an “exhibitionist” naked in front of her boyfriend doesn’t help (and certainly does not make for family-friendly television). Brooke says she’s “more and more frustrated” because she is only getting negative feedback, and looks as if she’s going to cry whenever Jay says anything to her.

Danielle says she knows “the heat is on” and she wants to do well even though she’s never done a shoot like this before. Hung up on strings, and in dark cabaret-type makeup and dress, her portrayal of a marionette looks fantastic. “She’s feeling this, she’s giving me a puppet but model,” Jay says, looking impressed. Jade is next, and also does well. Jay’s remark says it all: “Ooh, you are looking so eerie, like a real mannequin, Jade…Your body language is genius.” Looks like that fluffing really helped!

Furonda looks oh-so-adorable in a gigantic chair and braided pigtails. She nails the rag doll poses and impresses Jay enough for him to tell her that he thinks this is the best she’s done so far. “She improvised frame after frame after frame so it was just a pleasure to watch her,” Jay gushes. Nnenna’s not so fun to watch. Done up like Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Jay tries to get her to smile and look happy. Nnenna’s stern expression looks more Bad Seed than Shirley Temple doll, prompting Jay to suggest, “Think about John back at the house.” Big mistake; this is probably the last thought that could coax a smile out of Nnenna. Jay thinks that Nnenna’s tendency to hold back hurt emotions could end up hurting her. Thanks Dr. Phil!

The Secret Lives of Cosmetic Dentists

Jay says that since today’s doll shoot was about “perfection and beauty” Tyra has decided to give the girls an “extra special treat”: they’re sending the girls to an “amazing” dentist who will whiten the girls’ chompers, and in Joanie and Danielle’s cases, address their particular teeth issues (snaggletooth and gap, respectively). Joanie is so happy, she starts to cry, and Danielle gives her a big, comforting hug (it’s so nice to see the friendship between these too). Joanie says that her family could never afford anything like that; they barely got a regular check up, much less braces, which sucks but is a common phenomenon (and please don’t get me started on health care issues in America).

Since when was seeing the dentist considered an extra special treat?

Before long, we are at the office of Dr. Edgardo Falcon, Jr., who plans on putting veneers on Joanie’s teeth. We follow Joanie closely through the whole ordeal of getting her teeth fixed, from x-rays to teeth pulling to getting her teeth filed and onwards. He warns her that the first steps of the veneer process will not leave her liking how she looks or feels, but assures her tomorrow they will have a set of temporaries for her. Lest we forget, this is serious business, they will be doing actual oral surgery, which is not pretty, and it certainly won’t help anyone who is afraid of dentists. In fact, I damn near fainted when they showed that crazy snaggletooth coming out of her head. But more on this later.

Dr. Falcon then asks Danielle what she would like to fix. She says her gums are receding, but other than that she’s fine. When he presses her about her gap, she insists, “I love the gap. The signature gap is staying in my mouth, it’s who I am.” Good for you, Danielle. If Lauren Hutton could pull it off, why not you?

The rest of the girls get their easy peasy whitening, and then it’s back to Joanie, who’s tingling from the local anesthetic and is lying back in her chair with Danielle at her side, holding her hand through the entire process (which starts around 6pm). Dr. Falcon moves in with a medieval looking contraption and yanks out a couple of Joanie’s teeth, which we see in unflinching closeup, like a Takashi Miike film. A flash of white contrasted with red blood accompanied by breaking/snapping sounds, and I feel like I’m going to hurl, and even Danielle has a look on her face like, Oh, that’s not right.

My friend who was over here watching with me made a joke alluding to Marathon Man, a movie I haven’t seen, but she’s a genius wit, so I’m sure it was brilliant. I’m thinking of renting now, but maybe I shouldn’t if I ever want to sit in a dentist’s chair without hyperventilating ever again. Meanwhile, Joanie, still under the gas, is laughing and hoots, “The snaggletooth is no more!” Wait until that stuff wears off, she won’t be laughing then.

At 1:25 in the morning, no one’s laughing any more. They are still there in the office filing Joanie’s teeth (loyal Danielle still there holding her hand), that horrible sound of the file against enamel making my hair stand on end. Once done, Joanie is bedraggled and bruised, her lips swollen and torn. At home, she talks about how she has been in the dentist’s office for 12 hours, and will still have to deal with the competition tomorrow. “Look at my teeth!” she moans, and in a horror movie reveal, opens her mouth to reveal scary, pointy Jack O’ Lantern chompers from Hell.

The next morning, Joanie is on the phone telling her mom about how she didn’t leave Dr. Falcon’s until 5:30 in the morning and she now has “Hillbilly teeth.” Poor Joanie. Poor Hillbillies, for that matter! “I have to compete today and I can’t even talk,” Joanie mumbles.

John is still hanging around the house. He massages Nnenna and talks about ho he prays for her every day. I guess it’s supposed to be sweet, so why do I find it incredibly creepy? Nnenna closes her eyes as if to shut him out of her world. Ah, but Nnenna ends up saying she has “happy” to see John because he “needed to see [her]” and this might “help” him. Wake up, Nnenna, and smell the crazy!

Jade bids her mom farewell. The other girls notice how having her mom come revealed a different side of Jade. Even Sara acknowledges that with her mom there, Jade’s “hard, overly confident exterior melts. She needs to show the judges that kind of Jade.”

Tales from the “Dark Side”

TyraMail says, “There’s no lifeguard on duty, but there are divas.” They wonder about the wordplay with “divers” and “divas” and if there will be water involved. I say, beware of sharks. They end up at Club Mood, where Janice Dickinson (author of No Lifeguard on Duty, and no stranger to the treacherous waters of modeling) and good ol’ Eva Pigford are there in the middle of a modeling shoot with Marc Ecko, fashion designer, whose new accessory line they are hawking for a future feature in Elle.

“Eva the Diva” just happens to be my mom’s favorite Top Model winner ever; my mom likes to describe her as looking like “butter and honey.” I’m sorry, Mama, but if you ask me, it looks like Eva’s been consuming a little too much honey and butter, if you catch my drift—girl is looking thicker in the middle these days. Joanie, a trooper to be out there considering she hasn’t gotten her new chompers in yet, is excited to meet Eva because of all the Top Model winners, she is the one Joanie admires the most. Eva fields questions about her post-ANTM life, and she shares her advice. Brooke is most affected by the advice that you need to appear confident, even if you don’t really feel it inside.

Next, Janice (are those bags from Marc Ecko’s accessory line she’s showing off—oh no, those her silicone “fun bags” on prominent display) sits down with the girls to talk to them about “the darker side of modeling.” While I’m expecting juicy stories of sleeping with seedy people to get booked and shooting up with Linda Evangelista in a public restroom, Janice just tells them not to drink alcohol (yawn!). I thought the PSA’s were shot last week! And she’s got a lot of nerve saying that after her behavior on “The Surreal Life.” Yeah, I saw you grinding Balki in that drunken lapdance!

Janice (and her bulbous boobage) share a story about how she once had two (count ‘em, two) glasses of champagne at a Valentino fashion show and walked off the runway into the laps of Sophia Lauren and Marcello Mastroianni. She says she never worked for Valentino again—but come on, wasn’t worth it to have this awesome story about how you landed in the laps of two legendary Italian cinema icons? You know she breaks this story out at every party and event; her kids must roll their eyes, “Oh it’s the Valentino story again?” Besides, she’s telling me she was blitzed after two glasses of champagne? Forgot to mention that barbiturate buffet she chowed downin addition.

Janice also addresses the time modeling takes away from loved ones. “I have an 11 year old daughter, and 18 year old son; when I’m working, I feel so guilty not having my children with me.” This issue hits home with Nnenna, who says she wonders how she can have a relationship and a family along with a career. All I can say now is she better not be planning on having that family with John! “Beware, take care, see ya!” Janice’s cleavage says, before leaving the room.

The Crying Game

The girls head off to yet another studio, where they are surprised to find Tyra. Remember when the girls used to scream and jump with joy the second Tyra appeared? Now when they see her, they look leery like, “What the hell does this bitch have up her sleeve now?” Tyra says there is an “ugly side” to modeling; and in this impromptu photo shoot, directed by the Tyrant herself, the girls will be photographed crying.

She’ll give you something to cry about!

To achieve this, Tyra will use a “tear stick,” an old Hollywood makeup trick for actors that suck and can’t cry on cue, which irritates the eyes and brings out the waterworks like chopping onions or rubbing Vicks VapoRub in your eye (also, makeup artists use glycerin to create the pretty fat tears that slide artfully down the cheek). Jim De Yonker is there to photograph, starting with Jade, who at first doesn’t even feel the tear stick; eventually the tears do flow.

Danielle’s eyes burn a little bit more than they should after application of the tear stick, so much so that Tyra flushes Danielle’s eyes out by pouring water from a water bottle out onto Danielle’s face. Danielle doesn’t let this affect her, and she tries her best during the shoot. I love watching Tyra direct photo shoots, especially when she pulls the, “I’m so sad, and I’m so innocent,” face, as she twirls her hair around the finger, all Pretty Baby.

Furonda, who has grown on me a lot over the course of the competition, doesn’t need direction for her Emmy-winning performance clip: “Tyra took my husband,” she weeps, as one of the stylists (who apparently stole Sara’s houndstooth newsboy cap from the “Teen Doll” shoot) pins a big flower behind her ear. Tyra cautions her against overacting the shot, though, demonstrating that the “real tears” look Furonda is giving looks too much like she’s really crying, which isn’t pretty. I know I sure don’t look cute crying. Just ask my grandma when she was hitting me upside the head with a chankla. [SFG curls in a ball, having childhood flashback, weeping]

Next up is chronic crybaby Brooke. Tyra wants her to be “less sexy” and more “bad little girl.” You’d think Brooke of all people would excel at this challenge, but she has trouble getting Tyra’s directions down. “I really wasn’t thinking,” Brooke says weakly. When are you ever thinking, Brooke?

During her turn, Nnenna’s fake tears turn into real ones. “It surprised me emotion came out,” Nnenna later remembers, “The only time I ever get really emotional or vulnerable is when I think about my family.” Tyra, utilizing her daytime talk show host skills, comes over and comforts Nnenna with a warm hug. Tyra asks if maybe this was a “release” and Nnenna admits that she has been holding back a “stubborn” urge to cry for some time now.

Sara marvels at how “crazy” it is to have the opportunity to get a personal modeling lesson from Tyra Banks. Her shoot goes off without a hitch. And finally Joanie is up, and despite feeling “horribly sick” the girl gives good gorgeous. She captures the beautiful pained Hollywood movie star look Tyra wants perfectly. Mid-shoot, Joanie winces in pain when some of the glycerin gets in her eye. On top of her teeth extractions and dental work, I don’t know how this girl is able to get through the day. Please tell me they prescribed the good stuff for this girl. Joanie says, “I’m in so much pain, but sometimes you have to go through pain to be beautiful.” Talk about suffering for art!

After the shoot, Joanie gets to return to Dr. Falcon’s where she gets her new veneers put in. And you know what? They look frackin’ amazing. They not only look wonderful and perfect—they look real, which is not always the case with the too-white, too-straight chompers people are getting put in these days. They look totally natural, and in a relatively short period of time [says SFG jealously, having gone through the hassle of braces]. “I love it, so nice!” she exclaims, admiring her new teeth in a mirror; however, she says that she will have to get used to this new kind of smile.

Brooke Shielded

Tyra’s pigtailed “Paper Doll” picture is ridonculously cute, but as always it signals the imminent doom of one of our stalwart Top Model wanna-bes. Pascal DeMeester joins the judging panel. The evaluations start quickly with Furonda; first they look at her crying photo, which earns high praise. Twiggy admits she wasn’t sure she was photogenic at first, but says as the weeks have gone on, Furonda has grown. “And that’s what we’re looking for here on Top Model,” Nigel adds, “Someone that develops.” Her doll photo is also another hit; Nigel fancies it Furonda’s “best shot” so far, and Demeester points out that Furonda “improvised extremely well.”

Brooke is next, starting with her teary-eyed pic: “For a girl who cries a lot, I think that could have been a stronger picture,” Miss J. opines; Tyra says that it “wasn’t pleasurable” to work with her onset because she’s too tense. For her doll picture, Twiggy says, “I know in my heart and soul that you’ve got it in you, but in this photo you just haven’t got it.” Twiggy goes on to say she just wants to shake Brooke; Tyra says that Brooke had the easiest doll to do poses for (glamour doll) and she still didn’t get it.

In contrast to Brooke, Tyra says of Joanie, “It was a joy working with you, because you understand how to make anguish but still stay pretty.” Twiggy says the crying photo could be in an art gallery or a magazine. The judge’s agree she “nailed” her ventriloquist’s dummy shot. They also compliment her new teeth, which Joanie still seems shy to show (she still seems used to her closed mouth smile). She tells them it was the result of 12 hours one day and 6 on another, but thanks them for allowing her to have this done.

Danielle comes up and is promptly berated for having “refused” to have her gap closed. Tyra asks, almost angrily, “Do you think you can have a CoverGirl contract with a gap in your mouth?” Danielle says why not, but Tyra says that’s all anyone can see. May I bring up the example of Lauren Hutton again? Tyra will not be swayed; she says it’s just not marketable. “Well I guess you could say she left the gap wide open for another girl, baby,” Miss J. clucks. Her crying photo gets a lukewarm response; Twiggy sees “no real emotion” in it. Her marionette photo redeems her; Nigel says she has the body language down, and Tyra admires that she can give a “blank eye” but with “intensity.”

Twiggy at first compliments Jade’s photo, saying she sees real anguish there. Jade’s voice starts to crack as she says that pain was real, “because I’ve suffered.” Jade then proceeds to dry-cry, as the girls behind her look on in disbelief. Tyra says she’s not one to question emotion, “But when you teared up, I didn’t believe it, it seems like bad acting to me.” Nigel says he was looking at the girls behind her, and observed several of them rolling their eyes at Jade’s theatrics. Tyra thinks she’s confusing “submissive and sad” for the opposite of arrogance, which for them is “exuberant and grateful.” Her mannequin picture is “excellent,” however. How tiny is her waist in that photo? Tyra admits she was “blown away” by all of Jade’s film.

Sara’s crying picture is seen as more “nuts” than sad to Nigel; for her doll picture Pascal notes that she was “insecure in that tiny box.” Now comes the time in the show where the panel doubts her commitment to Sparkle Motion: after Nigel questions her passion for modeling, Sara defends herself by saying that on the contrary, “I’ve discovered another side of myself I didn’t know was there, and more and more I’ve become more passionate about this.”

Nigel thinks Nnenna’s chin looks ginormous in her crying photo; but Tyra says of all the photos this is one she feels the most. Her baby doll picture, well, no one’s feeling it. Nnenna tries to pawn her poor showing on the fact that she never owned a baby doll herself, and Tyra counters by saying she’s surely seen one before. Nigel then busts in with “Apparently you’re on the phone with your boyfriend every night. Have you lost your focus in this competition?” Nnenna says she has not, but Twiggy pushes on by adding, “Do you want to win this more than you want to be with your boyfriend?” Nnenna answers, “Absolutely.” “Because that’s what it might come to,” Twiggy says.

In deliberations, the judges’ biases emerge. J. finds Jade “fake” and Twiggy doesn’t like her “hardness” even though she admits she is capable of taking a good photo. Furonda’s progress has greatly increased her cachet. Twiggy desperately loves Brooke and would like to keep her, but can’t deny the suckage. Tyra seems downright pissed that Danielle defied her order to get her gap closed. It is not one of Nnenna’s finest weeks. They all are impressed with the way Sara conducted herself tonight, saying she finally seems confident. Joanie is “sensational,” and her dummy photo inspires Miss J. to play ventriloquist to a wooden Tyra who agrees to let her stay.

Photo time, and the girls definitely returning are: Joanie, Furonda, Nnenna, Sara, and Danielle. Tyra takes this moment to ask Danielle one more time if she’ll get her teeth done. “All the way?” Danielle asks peevishly, and Tyra nods yes. In the doghouse yet again are Jade and Brooke, like they’re some kind of Bottom Two All Stars. Tyra tells Jade that “the public is not going to fall in love with someone who is arrogant or defensive or fake.” To Brooke, Tyra says that the judges find her beautiful and have been keeping her around for a long time, hoping another chance will allow her to shine on camera finally. “No more chances for you,” Tyra then says, like the Soup Nazi of modeling.

Jade makes sure to stop and give Brooke a hug before she goes up to Tyra; but as she accepts her picture, Jade maintains that she was not being fake earlier. Nevertheless, Tyra says people always seem to confuse Jade’s actions for something else, and she needs to get in touch with herself and make sure that what she is feeling is what she is portraying.

Brooke leaves with little fanfare, saying she’s sad that despite having potential, she kept “falling short” in this competition. And ironically the girl pegged the crybaby of the cycle leaves the house without so much as a single tear.

Janice (and her bulbous boobage) share a story about how she once had two (count ‘em, two) glasses of champagne at a Valentino fashion show and walked off the runway into the laps of Sophia Lauren and Marcello Mastroianni......Besides, she’s telling me she was blitzed after two glasses of champagne? Forgot to mention that barbiturate buffet she chowed downin addition.

Haha, good catch. I noticed the same thing. I've read Janice's book, and I seem to recall that incident involving Quaaludes. Perhaps what she meant to say was "I downed my drugs with 2 glasses of champagne". Quite the spin 'ol Janice/UPN put on that story.

"At this point I'm assuming their child is dead. Most likely crushed beneath a mountain of corn dogs. Not that Britney or Kevin would notice. Arguing and drinking seems to take up most of their time. As does Britney's attempts to turn herself into a giant blob of jello."