Thursday, April 21, 2011

Doom speaks to you in a rush. Do not bother yourself discerning why. Doom assures you that any seismic rumbling and blinding flashes is within all expected parameters. It is in your interest to ignore all potential devastation. Doom has it under control. Doom is on the job.

Doom commands you to slice a pocket within the chicken halves and insert 1/4 cup of gouda into each chicken. Doom warns you may want to pin pieces together with toothpicks.

Doom commands you to mix flour, salt, and pepper on a plate. Doom commands you to put the eggs in one bowl and bread crumbs on a second plate, creating a three-plate station for dredging chicken

Doom commands you to roll each chicken piece in flour then in the eggs then in the crumbs.

Doom commands you to heat oil on the medium setting in an iron skillet before placing chicken in skillet. Cook five minutes, turning once. Once brown, Doom commands you to place skillet in a 375-degree oven for 15 minutes.

While chicken is baking, Doom commands you to prepare linguine as directed on package. Once done, Doom commands you to put noodles back into pot and add butter. Doom commands you to heat pot to melt butter and stir noodles in butter thoroughly. Once butter is melted, Doom commands you to coat with shredded Parmesan.

Doom commands you to plate chicken over noodles. Doom advises you to beware the toothpicks.

Doom commands you to eat quickly lest Doom fails (Ha! Ha, Doom says!) to rebuff this new invasion of Skrull-Brood hybrids. Doom commands you not to breathe a word to the accursed Richards. Doom has matters in hand. But take big bites.

Friday, April 1, 2011

The arrival of spring affects even Doom. Yea, Doom feels revived and free of winter's lethargy. Doom enjoys watching the frost vaporize from Doom's armor in the sunlight. And Doom considers the future.

Doom's physical shell is mortal, as yours is. But unlike your pathetic and impotent existence, Doom's will shall continue long after Doom's bones are powder. Doom has foreseen this. Doom has prepared. The methods Doom employs to extend Doom's glorious reign over this world are surely beyond your verminous minds. But be assured, Constant Reader, Doom endures. Doom ever endures.

These lofty notions tax your comprehension, and Doom is not without pity for your plight. Doom bestows to you now a culinary delight, a magnificent feast to distract you from the limits of the body. In fact, Doom is aware (as Doom is of all things) that such a meal will allow you to fully exploit your sad form's sensory registers. Doom's Latverian Lasagna is the vehicle through you which you may briefly and minutely know the constant glory of Doom. Regard this as "Doom in a dish" as well as such a notion can be manifest.

You partake of Doom thus. You accept this boon with full gratitude. And this also shall ever endure.

Doom commands you to combine meat, onion, garlic in a skillet on medium heat. Stir until meat is brown. Drain any excess moisture.

Dom commands you to add tomatoes, paste, and pepper to the skillet. Heat to boiling and simmer for 15 minutes with the lid on. Stir a few times. Doom is watching. Doom will know.

While the sauce cooks, Doom commands you to boil the noodles.

As the noodles boil, Doom commands you to combine the beaten egg, Parmesan, and Mozzarella in a bowl.

When the sauce is cooked, Doom commands you to turn off the heat to the skillet and drain the noodles. Rinse the noodles with cold water. Your ingredients are now ready for mixing, and you will obey Doom's process:

Into a 2-quart baking dish, you will spoon a small amount of sauce. Add half of noodles side-by-side to cover the sauce. Atop this, you will add half the sauce. Atop that, you will add half the cheese mixture. You shall top with remaining noodles, then add the rest of the sauce and top with remaining cheese. To attempt it otherwise is to invite madness.

Doom commands you to bake for 35 minutes at 375 degrees. Remove from oven and allow to stand.

When the Great Victor Von Doom seeks respite from governing the filthy peasantry of Latveria (and the constant scheming for the downfall of that accursed Reed Richards), Doom likes to whip up some fried chicken. Doom graciously bequeaths to you all the secret Gypsy Momma Recipe handed likewise to Doom from his Beloved Mother.

To begin this epicurean delight, Doom commands you to thaw boneless chicken breasts.

Doom commands you to shake an acceptable amount of the spices into a bowl of wheat flour.

Doom commands you to soak the chicken with milk, water or egg for no longer than 20 seconds.

Doom commands you to then coat the breasts with seasoned bread crumbs, available to all at Doom-Mart.

Doom commands you heat a skillet with a liberal coating of peanut oil.

Doom commands you solve the conundrum of Doom’s Nuclear Reed Richards Exploder: Does Doom require more purloined energy from the Negative Zone to power the engine or does the problem lie with the transfer coils? The matter is too mundane for Doom’s brilliance, otherwise Doom would need not your aid. What? Of course Doom can fix it if Doom really wanted. Doom is merely preoccupied with the delicious chicken. QUESTION NOT DOOM!

Doom commands you to cook the chicken on high heat for ten minutes, then flip and cook for another ten.

During this, Doom commands you make Stove Top Stuffing, the one weakness Doom will confess. Remove the chicken, apply them to your plates without draining and consume the glory of the Gypsy Momma Recipe.

Swear fealty to Doom and fetch Doom some tea from the Beacon Drive-In. It washes the taste of confounding defeat from Doom’s mouth. Doom remembers the days before he heard of that accursed Richards. Doom longs for such halcyon days. Doom … Doom just wants to be alone for awhile. Bother Doom no more. Hast thou seen Doom’s copy of the latest Cosmopolitan? Doom requires a soak in the Doom Tub. Doom needs none but the company of the Doom Ducky which alone grasps the burden of genius Doom carries each day.

Doom is aware that this is a time of much hustle and bustle as families gather to celebrate their success and feast themselves into comas. Yes, yes, Doom also will indulge the noble populace of Latveria with the annual Doomsgiving. All Latveria will reap the bounty of our happy laborers. All Latveria will relish the finest foodstuffs, and the world will envy the camaraderie and joy that Doom bestows. Observe, jealous globe, the delights that could be yours if you but recognize the genius and largess that makes Doom the pinnacle of human achievement. Doom is good. Doom is gracious. Doom awaits your fealty.

But before the grand banquet, Doom wishes to assemble a simple meal. Simple but robust in flavor. Simple for Doom to concoct, of course. You lesser beings could not begin to cobble the glorious culinary architecture that Doom whips up as but an afterthought. But Doom feels a swelling of altruism this time of year (which explains why Doom is not crushing the accursed Richards clan while they are sluggish with sated stomachs), and Doom will grant you this delicious boon to tide you over until your own paltry Thanksgiving meals. Do not ask Doom to extend this courtesy a second time.

Doom commands you to rub peppercorn on the porkchops and place in the heated oil in a skillet on medium high. Doom commands you to cook the pork eight to 12 minutes, turning once. When done, Doom commands you to remove pork from skillet and set aside, kept warm.

Doom commands you to add sherry and broth to the skillet. Doom commands you to stir constantly over medium heat to loosen drippings from skillet. Doom commands you to add the sour cream/cream cheese and stir constantly until it is melted. Doom commands you to maintain heat to reduce sauce slightly. Doom commands you to add chives and lower temperature on sauce to thicken. Doom commands you to pour over chops.

Doom commands you to smack your lips.

Glazed Carrot Side Dish

1 pound of carrots, sliced

1/3 cup packed brown sugar

2 tablepoons butter

1 teaspoon salt

1/3 tablespoon orange peel/zest

3 cups water

Doom commands you to boil the water before adding carrots. Doom commands you to to allow the water to boil again and then reduce heat to simmer for ten minutes. Doom commands you to drain the carrots and set aside.

Doom commands you to heat butter, sugar, salt, and peel in a skillet over medium heat. Doom commands you to stir constantly until mixture is bubbly. Doom advises that the mixture may become pasty as the sugar combines with butter. Do not be alarmed, puny one. This is no reason to cower. Whatever form your mixture takes, Doom commands you to add carrots and coat with mixture in skillet until carrots are warmed and serve.

Doom commands you to make yummy sounds. Doom suggests that you allow glaze and sauce to mix. Doom himself is impressed with the alchemy he has consumed. Doom's concoction is a true reason to be thankful this year.

Doom beholds the approaching end of summer in these majestic Latverian mountains. Dotted as they are with five-story statues honoring Doom's unquestioned superiority, the mountains also regard Doom, and together we are bonded in gaze and stature. Here, finally, Doom begins to comprehend his own glory, and it is truly a wonder of this measly earth. Doom wants more than this speck of dirt, Doom admits. Doom deserves a greater world upon which to bestow his largess, a wider path upon which he shall march toward his unbounded destiny.

Even now, Doom weaves his designs into reality, drawing the immaterial into the raw clay through which Doom shall build his Olympus. And the world waits his next miracle, the heretofore unseen melding of element and genius. Through this, Doom will triumph. Doom will prevail. As ever. As is right.

Until then, Doom is peckish. Doom shall feast. Join him. Sit at Doom's table and glean what you may comprehend. Today, Doom requires more than the simple sustenance. Doom demands a meal worthy to nestle in his innards.

Doom commands you to brown the chicken in the cooking oil over medium heat in a skillet. You are then directed to drain the fat away and season chicken with salt and pepper.

Doom commands you to add onion, wine, broth, carrots, mushrooms, parsley, garlic, marjoram, thyme, and bay leaf to the chicken. You must bring to a boil and simmer. SIMMER, DAMN YOU! Cover and simmer for 35 minutes.

Domm commands you to remove chicken and vegetables and set aside. Remove the bay leaf. It is no doubt an unnatural machine constructed to poison your mind, cobbled together by Richards and intended to hobble your brains and make him appear all the smarter. Richards is low, and Richards is desperate. Believe not his lies.

Doom commands you to combine flour and butter in a bowl before stirring into the wine mixture. Cook this until it is thickened. Doom then requires you to cook for one minute more. Do not question Doom. Season with salt and pepper.

Now heed Doom as you have never before: You are not making a soup. This is not Coq au Swim Wings. You are to make a rich, savory sauce. The wine concoction will reduce and must reduce, and Doom shall not abide a watery slop besmirching his vittles! The evaporation will concentrate the bold taste. Doom does not lead you astray, to false victories as Richards may. No, Doom beckons you to a brave realm of victory. Reduce the mixture as you reduce yourself rightfully in Doom's presence.

Doom commands you to pour this conquering creation upon the meat and serve with noodles.

Doom commands you to relish this hint of his constant satisfaction. Doom is assured you will be forever grateful.

Doom regrets extending a standing invitation to the Red Skull and his accursed family at the 2008 VillainCon. Doom was distracted by his stately reflection in the armor of his Doombot security cordon and lost track of how many Latveria Mountain Ales consumed by Doom during the VillainCon's annual awards banquet. Doom is a friendly drunk. Doom had just won his 58th consecutive Best Doom Award (sponsored by the kind chairmen of the Latveria University), and, in his giddy largess, Doom offered to cook for that crimson-visaged buffoon and all his damnable brood.

By the Stones of Wundagore, is Skull attempting to sire the Fourth Reich by himself? Are these the Germanic Duggars? Doom pities the tortured Mrs. Skull for the horde of towheaded monsters she now watches over day and night while Red Skull slips out nightly tries to buy rounds of Weizenbock with Nazi gold.

But Doom's word is bond, and Doom shall feed that mob, and then Doom shall give them the Boot of Shoo to their collective Aryan asses. Doom's shows are on. Doom's feet demand attention from the manicurebots.

Tonight's Dish: Steak au poivre

For this delight, Doom commands you to prepare the following (recipe reduced for two people):

Doom commands you to press the pepper into the steaks on both sides of each cut.

Doom commands you to melt the butter in a skillet over medium heat and apply the steaks. They must cook for 10-13 minutes depending on thickness. Turn them once in this timespan.

When the steaks are finished, Doom commands you to remove steaks from skillet. Keep the drippings in the skillet, filthy cur.

Doom commands you to add the broth to drippings and scrape up the crusty bits which are delicious. Then you shall add the cream and mustard. Under punishment of disintegration, you will bring to a boil and continue to gently boil for 5 minutes or until sauce has reduced by a 1/2 cup.

Doom permits you to choose the preferred side for the meal. Doom this day has chosen jasmati rice, and he drizzles the sauce upon the steak and rice as he deems proper. Doom also prepares a small loaf of bread with which to sop up the remaining sauce for it is as delectable as Doom's reflection.

Doom commands you to savor. And Doom commands Red Skull's personal herd to get to steppin'.

Doom's kingdom of Latveria has failed to dominate the Winter Olympics in the soon-to-be-annexed nation of Ca-na-da. Despite the construction of skatebots, skibots, and bilathalonibots, Doom has yet to feel the treasured gold medal in Doom's iron fist. Doom's designs are, of course, impeccable and perfect. Therefore, Doom must conclude a conspiracy is afoot to deprive Latveria of its rightful recognition. As always, the blame lies at the feet of That Accursed Richards. RICHARDS! DOOM CALLS SHENANIGANS!

To salve this shame, Doom repairs to the kitchen, and there shall Doom concoct another success, another testament to Doom's unerring glory. Doom shares this new recipe with you, the unworthy denizens of the planet over which Doom shall soon extend his benevolent reign.

Doom bequeaths to you the Cucumber Raita!

For this exquisite delight, gather you these elements:

1/4 tablespoon sugar

8 ounces plain, low-fat or fat free yogurt

1/2 tablespoon fresh crushed mint

1/4 cup coarsely shredded unpeeled cucumber

1/2 tablespoon minced sweet onion

salt and pepper to taste

Doom commands you to combine ingredients and apply to side dishes or preferred protein vehicle. Doom at times entertains the notion of drizzling the raita upon his sirloin and jasmati rice. It soothes the rage inferno ever stoked by the continued existence of That Accursed Richards. Doom indulges upon and is momentarily distracted from his plans of vengeance, but never in his designs of grandeur.

The global economic crunch has hit even the Glorious Kingdom of Latveria. The peasants can no longer bequeath Doom with the tribute to which Doom has become accustomed, and they look, as always, to their beloved leader for guidance in this time of gloom. Doom takes to his resplendent balcony, beholds the gathered, desperate masses below Doom, and utters the wisdom upon which they may rest their beleaguered brows:

IT'S RICHARDS'S FAULT!

Doom told you! Doom tried to warn you! Richards Richards Richards! He has done this to you! He mocks you from the penthouse bath tub in which he soaks his boneless ass with his harlot of a wife!

This only fuels Doom's quest for vengeance! For justice! Doom is handing out Richards fatwas like they're going out of style! Doom shall destroy him in your name, my filthy troglodytes! DOOM SWEARS MAD RUCKUS IN YOUR NAMES!

But until then, Doom knows you must feed the dog, and thus, Doom cracks open once more his Divine Recipe Rolodex and bestows upon you a morsel that will warm your bellies: Doom's Famous Faji-tortill-orittos!

Doom commands you to dice the onion and cut the peppers into thin strips. Cut the protein vehicle into strips.

Doom commands you to cook the protein vehicle in a medium-hot skillet.

Doom commands you to begin heating the tortillas in another skillet. Heat the skillet to medium, heat one side of the tortilla, flip to warm the other side. Place tortillas on a plate and cover while you warm the others.

While doing this, Doom commands you to transfer the meat to a holding vessel. Add pepper and salt to the meat. Place peppers and onions in the skillet on medium heat. Add dashes of the spices.

Doom commands you to add the meat back to the skillet once the medley has warmed. Stir often and cook until the medley has softened and the onions are golden brown.

Doom allows you to add salsa to the filled tortilla shells on top of the shredded cheese. Doom appreciates lime-flavored chips as a side item. Doom will never admit to licking the lime-dusted fingertips of his luxurious armor.

Doom commands you to wolf it down, curs. The above recipe will feed two.

Doom at times hankers for comfort food, sustenance which soothes Doom's troubled brow (upon which genius rests) and transports Doom to the glorious chamber of sleep. It is at these times Doom summons the Comfort Cookbook, the culinary grimoire within which one finds the greatest collection of recipes dating back to the ur-chefs of the first human tribes whose evolution has resulted in Doom, the apex of human development. Of course. OF COURSE.

This night, Doom seeks the succor of sweet potatoes but wishes to be unencumbered by the fattiness of butter and the heft of brown sugar, the common complements of the sweet potato. It is here in the Comfort Cookbook that Doom unveils the one answer that Doom requires: Zesty Italian Sweet Potatoes and Chicken.

As ever, Doom allows for some degree of customization of the recipe. Doom is kind and generous. This cannot be questioned. You may replace chicken with some other similar protein vehicle, if you must. And in this, you should again be grateful to the largess of Doom. But in all other matters of this process, do not dare deviate.

Doom commands you to activate your oven to 375 degrees.

Doom commands you to place your protein vehicle in an ungreased pan.

Doom commands you to prepare 1/3 cup or mayonnaise or similarly textured salad dressing. Doom prefers Ranch; you would do well to emulate him in all ways. To this, add 1/3 cup of Zesty Italian dressing and a tablespoon each of rosemary, basil, and oregano. Mix them together thoroughly.

Doom commands you to brush the protein vehicle with this mixture and place into the ready oven for 30 minutes. In the interim, prepare two medium-sized sweet potatoes by peeling and slicing them into 1-inch pieces. While you await for the initial 30 minutes to end, Doom invites you to contemplate your role in Doom's kingdom and the protection of his subjects from the arrogance of the Accursed Richards. He seeks you harm, my subjects, and Doom will not allow it. Doom is ever vigilant, and his unsleeping army of Doombots protects you as you go about your daily duties, all for the betterment of Latveria and your rightful ruler.

Doom commands you to turn the chicken after 30 minutes, add the potatoes, and pour the remaining dressing mixture upon the dish. Do not waste the precious compound. It is delectable, and Doom will not see a drop ignored.

Doom commands you to bake again for another 30 minutes. You may use this time to put quill to parchment and compose a ballad to Doom. Doom appreciates your outpouring of sincere affection for your king. Also, epic poems describing the inevitable downfall of the Accursed Richards are welcome and will entertain Doom in the quiet hours of the night.

Doom commands you to remove the dish upon the end of the second half hour and consume.

It has indeed been a hectic time here at Stately Doom Manor, what with alien Skrulls getting all up in Doom's bidness. These interlopers dare hope they can conquer Latveria and exploit the populace for nefarious ends. That's Doom's job! Doom commands them to step off, and Doom would single-handedly thrash them from ribbed chin to funky green toes if Doom were not otherwise occupied with his new recipe -- a formula that verily drips with genius and skill, traits unknown to that Accursed Reed Richards!

Tonight, Doom deigns to grant you Chicken Tetrazzini!

Doom commands you to boil one package of spaghetti noodles. Oft times this will equal 7 ounces. This shall suffice. For convenience, Doom prefers to snap his noodles into thirds. Doom likes to imagine they are the very bones of the Accursed Richards. Doom relishes the loud cracks. Doom screams aloud "Crack your bones, Richards! Crack your bones! Doom lives for the sound!"

[Somewhat famous English transvestite comedian Eddie Izzard walks in]

Eddie Izzard: Oh, hey, Doom. That, um, that sounds a bit like my chiropractor bit. You know -- oh, nice apron, by the by. I like the little design. What is that, a retarded iguana?

Doom: This ... This is Doom's family crest. What are you --

Izzard: Oh, sorry, love. Anyway, yeah, I do the "crack yer bones" thing in my act. The joke is the chiropractor prescribes the same medicine for every problem, you see. "Hangnail? Crack yer bones. Smelly pits? Crack yer bones." And then I make funny faces and pretend I'm in a crazed state as I move their spines. "Make the noise! I live for the noise!" It goes over like --

Doom: WHO LET EDDIE IZZARD INTO DOOM'S HOUSE?! Doombots! Throw him into the sun!

Now then ...

Doom commands you to melt 1/4 cup of butter in a 2-quart pot. When the butter is entirely liquid, Doom commands you to mix in 1/4 cup of all-purpose flour and pinches of salt and pepper. Doom commands you to stir this on low heat until it is smooth and bubbly.

Doom commands you to add to the pot 1 cup of chicken broth and 1 cup of heavy cream. Doom commands you to bring to this boil. Doom commands you to to stir constantly.

When the noodles are al dente, Doom commands you to drain them and add them to the mixture. Doom commands you to add 2 cups of cubed chicken, 1/2 cup of sliced mushrooms, and 2 tablespoons of cooking sherry.

Doom commands you to pour the mixture in a 2-quart baking pan. Doom commands you to preheat your paltry oven to 350 degrees. Doom commands you to sprinkle 1 cup of grated Parmesan cheese atop the mixture. Doom forbids you from greasing the pan first. Heed Doom always. Doom commands you to bake the mixture for 30 minutes. When the cheese bubbles, Doom permits you to remove the pan.

Doom commands you to mix 1 cup of bread crumbs, 2 teaspoons of parsley flakes, dashes of salt and pepper, and 2 minced cloves of garlic.

Doom commands you to whisk the white of one egg with a half cup of water.

Doom commands you to place two chicken breast pieces within their own cling wrap veil. Flatten the pieces to a 1/8-inch thickness. Dip the chicken in the egg mixture and then dredge the pieces in the seasoned crumb bowl.

Doom commands you to heat 2 tablespoons of oil in a medium-hot skillet. Place chicken inside. Cook chicken for 2-3 minutes each side.

Doom commands you to prepare the side of your choosing (surprise Doom, cur) and cut one lemon into wedges. When eating, drizzle chicken and side with lemon juice.

Doom affirms the deliciousness of this dish, if you but do as Doom commands. Do not deviate from Doom's master Scallopini designs.

For too long, even in the glory of Latveria, the home oven has been reduced to a simple function by the peasantry. They mindlessly use it to bake. Latveria virtually drowns in a sea of casseroles, for which assuredly The Accursed Richards is rightfully to blame. Doom shall not suffer another casserole. This swears Doom!

I bid all my subjects to behold the wonder that is the broil function. Observe how it quickly heats your meager sustenance with an exquisite char, especially those Doom has blessed with gas ovens. No, no, not those gas ovens, my fellow Latverians. Fear not. Doom seeks to grill, not to kill. This night, anyway. Doom bequeaths to you the miracle of Doom's Lemon Pepper Garlic Chicken Alfredo with Red Peppers. Attend me!

First, Doom commands you to bring a pasta pot to a boil. Doom uses his mighty power gauntlets for this task as Doom will not bide his time for boiling water.

Doom then commands you to baste two chicken breasts in a mixture of olive oil, lemon juice, cracked black pepper, and two minced cloves of garlic. Adhere the glaze with a pastry brush.

Doom commands you to set the broiler on high and insert the chicken in a drip-pan. Doom bestowed to you all these drip-pans for Christmas so there are no excuses for you to lack them. Failure to use drip-pans will be met by my Doombots.

Doom commands you to put three cups of penne pasta into the boiling water. Add salt, curs!

Doom commands you to flip and baste the chicken after seven minutes. Stir the pasta lest it adheres to the pot.

Doom commands you to chop one red pepper into bite-size chunks and simmer over low heat with olive oil and kosher salt.

Doom commands you to heat up one half jar of alfredo sauce on low heat. Do not allow sauce to boil. That Accursed Richards somehow made Doom lactose intolerant, and only retail brands allow Doom his beloved alfredo sauce without committing him to hours upon the Doompotty. RICHARDS!!!

Doom commands you to mind the pasta. When it reaches peak density, drain. Add pasta to alfredo sauce, close lid, and shake to coat noodles.

Doom commands you to remove the chicken when done and plate. Cover in noodles. Add last the peppers.

Doom commands you to savor.

Doom prefers to quench his thirst with Flying Dog beer, and you would be wise to follow in Doom's path. Very wise indeed.