Look, Ma! No Hands!

Google has invented the self driving car. Wait, so whose picture is on the license?

We live in exciting times. According to recent news reports, the California DMV recently gave Google a license to test their self-driving cars on the road.

Self-driving? Then whose picture is on the license?

This would be amazing for driving your kids’ carpools!

Self-driving cars are definitely the wave of the future. I’m not sure why your car needs to go somewhere that you’re not going, though, but it would probably be great for driving your kids’ carpools. We just have to train it to say, “Stop spitting back there!” Or it can drop you off at a wedding and go look for parking.

Google says that the cars would actually be safer than traditional cars, because they won’t drive tired, or with road rage, or while eating a sandwich with both hands.

Think about it: What’s the main cause of accidents? Drivers! That’s some solid thinking right there. When was the last time you heard of a car getting into an accident without a driver? Almost never. And I say “almost”, because there was one story in the news about a couple in Missouri that ran out of gas, so they decided to get out and push their car to the gas station at the bottom of a hill, and it kind of got away from them and went right through the gas station’s convenience store. So almost never.

Nevertheless, the driverless car is still in testing stages. California is the third state to allow this, the other two states being Nevada and Florida (no kidding). Also, state regulations currently require two people to be in the car at all times. One person sits behind the wheel, ready to grab it if anything goes wrong, and an engineer sits in the passenger seat, monitoring the car’s software on a little screen. This is as opposed to a traditional, non-driverless car, which generally only has one driver, and usually not even a whole driver. There’s a guy sitting there, but even he’s not fully aware. The only drivers paying full attention to the road are the ones complaining about the drivers around them. So in other words, driverless cars are much safer, but it’s mainly because there are two drivers plus a computer calling the shots.

And Google isn’t the only company having cars bring themselves into the future. A company in Germany is currently developing a car that a driver can steer with his eyes. This frees up his hands to do whatever it is he needs to do while driving, such as play with the radio. Okay, so he can’t do that, because he still needs his eyes to drive. But he can definitely do things he doesn’t need his eyes for, such as scratch his feet. He can attack his feet with both hands, so long as he keeps his eyes on the road.

Anyway, they plan on putting this car into production as soon as they have all the kinks worked out. I wouldn’t worry. What’s the worst that can happen?

Okay, so you’ll have to stop rubbernecking at accidents. You also can no longer discipline your kids in the back seat. And if you’re driving on mountain roads, you don’t want to look at the view.

Q: What if the driver dozes off? Or what if he blinks?

A: Actually, the car automatically stops when you close your eyes. So, for example, if you come to a red light, you have to close your eyes to stop the car, and then try to guess when the light has turned green again, based on the honking.

Q: But what if one of the passengers looks at the windshield? And what if everyone in the car is looking in a different direction?

A: They’ve fixed that problem too. In order to steer the car, the driver has to wear a modified bicycle helmet, so the car knows whose eyes to follow. So if you get this particular car, you’ll be sure to look really cool, driving around and scratching your feet with a bike helmet on.

Those silly Germans. What will they think of next?

Now before I get a bunch of stern letters sticking up for the poor German scientists, I want to point out that I am not actually hurting anyone. In fact, humor columnists throughout the ages have always made harmless jokes about technology. Let’s go back in time and take a look:

Aish.com, June 1959

Don’t Take the Belt!

A Humor Column:

by Morris Kenneth Schmutter

So I hear that Volvo just patented something called a “seat belt”. Apparently, it keeps your pants up, but only if you’re sitting in a car.

No, I’m just kidding. It’s supposed to keep you in your seat while you’re driving. Because otherwise you’ll just wander away, apparently. Maybe we should start putting them on the seats in my classroom so my students will stop getting up.

Seriously, what is this obsession with safety nowadays?

Seriously, what is this obsession with safety nowadays? When I was growing up, we just roamed around in the back seat, and when my father wanted us to be quiet, he would hit the brakes, and we would all SLAM into the back of his bench. We had no seat belts, and we all turned out just fine, except that I no longer finish all of my…

Aish.com, June 1910

This is Not a Crank

A Columne of Humour:

by Myron Hyman Schmutter

So Ford just came out with a car that doesn’t have a crank on the front. No crank? How are we supposed to wind it up in the morning? With a key?

Apparently, the car can do all this because it runs on gasoline. Gasoline! Why don’t we just run our cars on dynamite, while we’re at it? We’ll just attach a few sticks to the back of the car, and hope we don’t have to make any sudden turns!

Also, when are they going to invent brakes?

Aish.com, June 1886

Where Does One Stick the Carrots?

A Comedy (in that all are still alive at the end):

by Melvin Clarence Schmutter

So I hear from the newsie on the corner that they’re inventing a new kind of cart. I get all my news from the newsie – but not by purchasing a paper, mind you. I’ve discovered that if I stick around long enough, he eventually screams out the entire contents of the paper, including Ziggy. (That Ziggy is a delight! And what a marvelous head of hair he has!)

Anyway, it seems that the Germans are coming out with something called a “horseless carriage”, or “car” for short.

Q: Horseless? So it’s not going to move?

A: Apparently, it will move by itself. At least downhill.

But my question is this: Does it have to be horseless? My horses have become part of the family; I don’t want to lay them off. Perhaps they can sit in the cab with me.

Q: What if the car breaks down? Do we take it to the side of the road and shoot it? Also, how is one supposed to make it go faster? There’s nothing to whip!

A: Perhaps you’re supposed to whip the car in front of you. Personally, though, I’ve never whipped my horse to make it go faster. It feels mean.

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About the Author

Mordechai Schmutter writes a weekly humor column for Hamodia, a monthly humorous advice column for The Jewish Press, and a comic strip for The 20s and 30s of Brooklyn. He is also the author of the books, Don’t Yell “Challah” in a Crowded Matzah Bakery, A Clever Title Goes Here, This Side Up, Cholent Mix, and What Is This - Some Kind of Joke? all published by Israel Book Shop. In his spare time, which doesn't exist, he attempts to teach Language Arts to a bunch of high school guys, most of whom are usually too upset that he showed up on any given day to even pay attention to his lessons. He is also available to do stand-up comedy. He lives in New Jersey, but no longer remembers why.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 6

(6)
Anonymous,
August 30, 2013 4:51 AM

Great Stuff

Clean humor is so hard to find these days. It gives me joy to see clean, clever jokes that have laughing so hard. Keep it coming.

(5)
Shelly,
July 24, 2013 1:59 PM

Can't wait

I really like you articles!! Please keep writing!

(4)
Anonymous,
July 24, 2013 4:12 AM

Fantastic job!

One of the best ever!We were in stitches literally every line!Keep it up!Your articles bring such a boost of therapeutic humor to us. We look forward to each one. Especially, nowadays when there are so few Kosher options for relaxation and fun.Thanks again.

(3)
Helen Schwab (Chaiah),
July 23, 2013 10:09 PM

OMG, LOL! thank you so much!

The author is wise to have his ancestors contribute to his "columne" -- after all, they WERE closer to Sinai...

(2)
Francis Clark,
July 23, 2013 4:46 PM

safer cars

Air bags, seat belts, cameras, sensors and ABS don't make cars safer. Drivers do. Replace all air bags, seat belts, cameras and such with razor sharp sabres and watch how safely everyone would drive!!!Seriously, an executive for the National Federation of the Blind, a blind man, drove a car for the first time in public without sighted assistance. https://nfb.org/node/1003 Change the operator from a blind man into a computer controlled system and we have the option for ...Hackers to take over your car while you're sitting there diligently not paying any attention! Zombie cars anyone?

(1)
Seth Lefkow,
July 22, 2013 3:44 PM

Decisions, decisions.

I can't decide which item, by one of Mordechai Schmutter's brothers, is the funniest.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!