Art Speak: Arty Nonsense Exposed

Over Flowery Artists’ Statements

I despair when I see pretentious, meaningless, tongue twisting nonsense spoken in some artists’ statements. The culprits are mainly the conceptual artists who need to bamboozle you with an attempt at philosophical genius in order to camouflage the insignificance of the poorly executed end product.

Glasgow’s gallery of modern art.

Glasgow’s current trend for the conceptual has risen it’s profile within the notorious Turner Prize with a glaswegian shortlisted artist all but a certainty each year. This means that arty nonsense is rife in my hometown!

However I’ve now had a word with myself and decided to have a good laugh about it.

Torrent of Crap

After all, I’ve not ever seen such a torrent of crap since my son’s nappy bin burst under it’s substantial weight at the top of the stairs!

You’ve got to see the funny side I suppose, so here’s a compilation of some true corkers I’ve seen out there (no links or names or pics I’m afraid as It’s not the intention to damage anyone’s reputation!)….

“…a group of sculptural works that aims at a void that signifies precisely the non-being of what it represents…”

“…this suggestion of performance psychologically involves the viewer with the making process, provoking instinctive responses to her precarious assemblages”

-Just think, that last statement could be applied to my staircase incident!’

“My work centers on an interest in the universality of our biological make-up and landscape; combined with the collective sense of the sublime…”

“My practice examines hesitation as part of the process of decision-making, where the object is neither the object of objecthood nor the art-object. It is rather the oblique object of my intentions. …”

More nonsense talk to be pasted here in future I’m sure. I’d be interested to see anyone else’s findings in the comments below.

SO funny! Exactly ! The last one was particularly ridiculous! Whatever happened to letting the viewer have their own experience of works!? instead of filling in the blanks with psychophilosophobabble!?

Love it Scott,
Glaswegian exiled in Australia about to embark on project that will use pretentious art critic bullshit to reveal what utter crap has been written over the years by the so called experts…
Keep it coming my friend…. Best wishes, from the artist formerly known as Niloc Nostrebor, Russian dissident and Glaswegian born again industrial, heretic…. CR x

It’s really bad around here too.
It’s funny, when I was in school, I don’t remember any programs or classes entitled ” pretentious, artsy-fartsy B.S. for writing artists statements that no one understands”.
And yet, I’ve found that so many graduates from similar programs that I went through, here in the Toronto area especially, seem to be very fluent in it.
They need to just shut-up and paint something.

And that ” nappy incident” would probably qualify for some arts installation grant, if you put a pretentious enough proposal together.

It is kinda funny that an artist would create this complicated verse to explain either their work or their process. I used to hold them in contempt and found it hard to believe they actually took themselves that seriously. i wondered if they know they are that pretentious and are simply trying to fool people into accepting them, or are they are desperate to find an answer and that this flowery-ness is the best they can do. I find the planet is full of suffering people,some of whom make it to the world of art. Creating art fills a need and explaining their art also fill a need, pretentious as it can occasionally be. I empathize with them rather than ridicule them. Of course, some of them are simply pretentious, flowery a__holes who should be put on a barge and pushed out to sea…but I digress.