Woman attacked by pack of wild insects

Lake Magaguadavic — In the early hours of this morning, a York County woman was viciously mauled in a surprise animal attack. The bloodthirsty swarms of wild blackflies, horseflies, midges and mosquitoes attacked the woman without warning as she walked her dog on the Farm Point Road, about 20 minutes from Harvey.

Neighbours came upon an irritated and itchy scene when the bloodcurdling screams of a woman brought them running from their cottages. Twenty-three-year-old Brittany Mercer was shouting and swatting frantically while being attacked savagely by the aggressive flying animals. Mercer’s beagle tried to defend his owner, but after failing to detect the source of the attack, he instead ran in circles around her and bound her legs with the leash. She ended up immobilized while the scourges feasted on her body.

With the assistance of her neighbours, Mercer eventually was able to get free of the leash, but not before suffering countless bloody bites from the aggressive pack. Unfortunately, Mercer’s overprotective beagle mistook the strangers’ assistance as an assault and prevented them from helping for several minutes.

“They wanted blood, those vicious buggers,” recalls 68-year-old Arthur Cummings, a retired postal worker from St. Stephen. “I couldn’t see their eyes, but I bet there was madness in them. They just kept coming and coming, insatiable really. The horror… the horror…”

It’s a well-known fact that mosquitoes are the deadliest animals in the world. More deaths are caused by mosquitoes than any other animal, thanks to the spread of malaria, dengue fever, yellow fever and encephalitis. A single malarial mosquito can infect more than 100 people, and according to the World Health Organization, malaria kills a child every 45 seconds in Africa.

“It’s time for the government to do something about these animal attacks,” said seasonal resident Edith Kline. “A child was bitten just the other day around here too; it might be the very same ones for all I know. We need laws to protect us from these violent beasts. Government needs to act now before someone else is victimized.”

Mercer was unavailable for comment, and is said to be resting at home applying calamine lotion and hydrocortisone cream to her inflamed wounds several times per day. While she is expected to make a full recovery physically, she now refuses to walk the stupid goddamned dog.

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