• Now he has the mainstream TV channel he's always craved, many are asking what Richard Desmond will do next. Speculation yesterday about a possible merger between the Daily Express and the Mail. But if he did that, where would he promote Channel 5? Problems, problems. These things tend to crop up at once, for having reluctantly flogged off his Asian Babe magazine empire to preserve what's left of his good name, Desmond has become more reliant on the income from his porn TV network. But his channels, Red Hot and Television X, pedal soft porn – and audiences' tastes are getting spicier. With revenues tumbling, Desmond has been told he either has to show riskier programmes or sell the channels. Dirty Des finds himself on the horns of a dilemma. Reluctant to give more grist to the mill of those who find his porn-magnate status an incongruous position for a serious businessman – something he is acutely sensitive about – his only other choice is saying goodbye to the golden goose that makes his more mainstream ventures possible. Still, such are the migraines of success.

• These are tough times, and luckily we have a government brimming with tough guys. None tougher than our friend and mentor Eric Pickles. This, perversely, was why officials at Newham council in east London were keen to sit down with him to debate the cuts they say have fallen on them more severely than on affluent Tory boroughs. ITN set the whole thing up. As late as Friday afternoon, the word was that Pickles, ever the pugilist, was keen to do it. And so the mayor of Newham, Sir Robin Wales, went to Stratford town hall, where the meeting was to occur. But at the 11th hour Pickles could not make it. A diary clash, came the explanation from ITN. He was never confirmed, say Eric's spinners. Hard to know who's right, but this sort of thing should be kept to a minimum. Wouldn't want anyone call Eric frit, would we?

• Oh, how they laughed at our little April fool's day wheeze about the Guardian going about weak-kneed for the royal family just in time for the nuptials of William and Kate. The page 2 declaration, the live blog with promises of an exclusive diary from Prince Philip. All rubbish, but appreciated. "All right, you got me to look. Bastards!" posted davejh1950. At least he survived with his dignity. Poor Professor David Flint, mouthpiece for the shouty Australians for a Constitutional Monarchy – hook, line and sinker. "It is a knockout blow to the Australian republican movement," he posted on Sunday. "That respected voice of progressive politics, the Guardian, has returned to the monarchist fold. A "welcome back to the prodigal son," said the professor. Hardly. As for the triumphant article, don't bother looking. It's gone.

• To the Sun, now, where lefty-hating Guardian-bashing columnist Trevor Kavanagh tells it like it is. "Hacking off the head of the welfare monster" was his main rant yesterday. And under that main piece in the English and Northern Irish editions of the paper, a rant about the English being forced to pay "eye-watering" prescription charges, while others get medicines free. "This is just one of the barmy consequences of regional government, invented so that irresponsible politicians like the Scots Nats next month can buy votes at election time." This item was strangely missing from the version printed by the Sun in Scotland, where the paper has been cuddling up to the SNP. Heads must roll. No doubt they will.

• Finally, our friend Duncan Campbell, previously of this parish, reminds us about next week's opening at Bridport Arts Centre of From Page to Screen, the festival about books that have been turned into films. It brings to mind, he says, the story about a man sitting in a cinema with his dog. The dog is clearly enthralled by the film – it barks during the exciting bits, howls quietly during the sad parts and even appears to clap its paws together in applause at the end of the movie. Another filmgoer has been watching the dog's response with fascination. At the end of the film he says to its owner: "I have been watching your dog's reaction – it's just extraordinary." "Yes, isn't it?" says the owner. "He didn't like the book at all."