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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Falling, Glitter and Yawns - The 2014 Oscars

The Oscars were Sunday and of course everyone was out in their finest clothes and borrowed jewels.

The rest of us just sat at home in our yoga pants eating ice cream and dreaming about the day that we can wear normal clothes and see our feet again. Or just I did that.

They all get credit for not showing up in yoga pants.

Seriously, props to Olivia Wilde, Kerry Washington and Elsa Pataky (who is carrying twins) all looked amazing with their bump. I also give Elsa credit for even leaving the house with that bump, let alone looking as amazing as she did (in Ellie Saab). I'm not sure when she is due, but I can only imagine it's soon because we're about the same size.

Really though, the whole night was not only about the dresses, but the shoes, with slits in dresses, heels were on display, and I must admit that I was surprised to see so many platforms. Maybe it's so they didn't have to get their dresses hemmed. I totally pulled that trick at my wedding, but when I got married three years ago platforms were all the rage. Now I think they're going away and zero platform is more acceptable.

This is not what Dorothy's shoes looked like.

Then there was also the really awkward moment that Whoopi lifted the hem of her bizarre and ill-fitting dress to reveal a pair of striped tights and red glitter heels for the Judy Garland tribute. I've seen Wizard of Oz more than a couple times and not once do I recall Dorothy wearing six inch platforms that were probably made by Pleaser.

Now I have no issue with Pleaser heels or glitter, six inch platforms, or anything of the sort. But when you're trying to pay tribute to a classic film that contains the most iconic shoes in the history of cinema, maybe don't pick them up at Lover's Lane on the way to the awards ceremony. Just because they're glitter doesn't mean they're the magical ruby red slippers, or anything even close.

Then there's Jennifer Lawrence. She looked very nice, and was her bubbly, America's Sweetheart self, and apparently endeared herself to millions of Americans again when she fell again, apparently tripping on the red carpet.

Please just be drunk. Then this is funny instead of sad.

I get it, we all fall in our shoes, and shit happens, but seriously. Pull it together and learn to walk in your shoes before leaving the house. Once is cute, the second time you just look like kind of an asshole. If this happens again next year we're going to all think that it's on purpose to make yourself appear cute. Or be drunk. Falling is totally acceptable if you're absolutely loaded, and Jennifer Lawrence may be a little more interesting if she gets drunk and acts like kind of a bitch.

Am I the only one who doesn't believe she's really that nice? Mostly because I don't believe anyone is that nice.

The rest of the evening was full of amazing shoes, dresses and jewels, and was probably one of the safest, and most boring Oscars ever. When Whoopi's hooker shoes are the most discussed thing on Twitter, then you know it's a dull night. Maybe next year someone will get drink and tell off the host or throw a heel at the front row. That would be a night worth discussing.