When Evil Is a
Pretty Face: (Narcissistic
Females & the Pathological Relationship Agenda)

Copyright@2017
Zari Ballard SMASHWORDS

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Introduction: Connecting the
Dots

When we’re
involved with the type of partner that I describe in this book, we
can read a zillion articles on the topic and still not feel confident
that we know the truth. We may even devour books on how we can change
ourselves to fix the problem and never get to the nitty gritty
of what is really going on. Something about the relationship is “off”
yet we don’t know what it is. At times we feel as if this person is
our soul mate and at other times we feel completely disconnected.
Even after years, this person can become a stranger in the blink of
an eye. How is that even possible? Moreover, it’s not as if this is
our first rodeo. Indeed, some of us have been married and divorced or
had our hearts broken five times over. What is it about this
relationship that makes it so different from the others? Why is the
pain so unbearable and the misery so isolating? Are we making a big
deal about nothing or is something really going on behind our backs?
Who or what is this person and why do we even care? Is this
person a narcissist, a sociopath, or just a fucking asshole and how
can I even tell? For the first eight years of my relationship with a
narcissistic partner, I felt incapable of connecting the dots and
drawing my own conclusion as to what was really happening.

Although I’ve
written several detailed books about narcissism in relationships,
I’ve come to understand that sometimes all a suspecting partner
wants is a quick answer. I understand this because I’ve been there.
I spent 13-years with a narcissistic partner and didn’t even begin
to look for answers until the 8th year. At that time, I
felt very desperate and hadn’t a clue what the true meaning of
narcissism even was. All my life I’d thought that being
narcissistic meant that one was over-the-top conceited about his/her
physical appearance. I was completely floored when I discovered the
true scope of the definition. In my case, after some intensive
googling, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind what I was up against.
This person I had known for many years prior to becoming a couple
wasn’t anything close to the person that I thought he was. As his
girlfriend, I found myself repeatedly being subjected to behaviors
that blew my mind…such as the silent treatment. How could this
person I love disappear for weeks on end for no apparent reason and
then reappear again as if nothing had happened? And why did I allow
it to happen? There were so many questions and I felt bombarded with
answers that made no sense. What the hell was going on? Little did I
know that my journey was just beginning. Even after I grasped the
true definition of this supposed “disorder” called narcissism, I
hung in there another four years thinking I could fix it. Having so
much information often makes a conclusion impossible to process!

The truth is that
unless a person has already experienced this relationship madness for
themselves, they can never understand the scope of the betrayal. As
this person’s partner, this applies to us as well. Much of the
abuse is covert and extremely passive aggressive. The bad behaviors
come disguised as something else, causing confusion and self-blame.
The narcissist’s relationship agenda is pathological and the
behaviors are mind-boggling. For all these reasons, I have written
this book. If you are involved with one of these monsters, I will
help you differentiate between what is real and what isn’t and I’m
going to make it as concise as possible. I am going to help you to
connect the dots and show you exactly how to do it. You are going to
realize, as I did, that the dots have always connected…only
now you will suddenly have the eyes to see it.

To start, we have to
understand that while the line is fine between a person who is a
narcissist and a person who’s just an asshole, the line is still a
line. A person we meet, or start dating, or are already involved with
can be overwhelmingly selfish and arrogant, have a tendency to ghost
after a great weekend, and even be a cheater and still not be
narcissist. It’s the covert underlying operation of the
narcissist…that little bit of extra evil in the mix…that makes
the difference. In other words, when it comes to narcissism, it is
the level of the betrayal that separates the men from the boys
and the women from the girls. The bottom line is that an asshole can
potentially be fixed and a narcissist cannot. Understanding
the distinction between these two human entities will ultimately
determine whether we choose to stay or go. The fact that you are
here, however, tells me that you know the truth and simply
need a bit of validation. I can give you that.

As you may already
know or will soon come to learn, when we’re involved with
narcissists, all of our lives become interchangeable. My story is
your story is her story is his story. It’s my belief that the
thirteen “signs” or behaviors of narcissism that I describe in
this book are absolutely undeniable. If your partner subscribes to
one, he or she subscribes to all of them in some way.
All narcissistic behaviors connect together to bring us the
inevitable shocking “a-ha” moment. Trying to rationalize that
that your guy or girl is somehow excluded from the label because he
or she displays only one behavior or some more than others only
creates false hope. A narcissist is a narcissist and if the person
that you love subscribes to one behavior that I describe here, you
will, if you choose to stay in the relationship, inevitably be
subjected to ALL of the behaviors in some way, shape, or form. I
guarantee it.

This handbook not
only describes the thirteen most blatant characteristics of
narcissism in a relationship, it also shows, very clearly, how all of
the described behaviors seamlessly connect. This is very important
because - together – all of these behaviors define what I
call the narcissist’spathological relationship agenda –
an agenda by which the narcissist lives his life and by which you,
if you choose to stay, will live your life as well. In other
words, these behaviors do not stand alone and don’t make the
mistake of thinking that they do. You have to think logically
about the abuse without trying to bargain with it. This will be the
key to making your discovery…to answering, once and for all, if the
person in question is a narcissist or not.

So, here’s a
nutshell version of how this book with explain the connection between
one narcissistic mind-boggling behavior to the next: The love-bombing
described in Chapter I evolves into the future-faking in Chapter III
in the same way that the silent treatment described in Chapter VI is
a direct result of the managing down of expectations explained in
Chapter VIII in the same way that the pathological lying in Chapter
II along with the Cell Phone Game of Chapter V, the triangulation
revealed in Chapter X, and the projection of Chapter XIII is all part
of the chaos creation described in Chapter XII! Together and
combined, they enable the overall mindset that allows the narcissist
to perpetuate – and get away with - the “love” juggling exposed
in Chapter VII. Okay, now take a breath! Those are just a FEW of the
many ways that we can connect the dots within this book.

Finally, let me just
say that narcissism is everywhere. It’s part of the overall
spiritual warfare that I personally feel is encompassing this planet
as we speak. Particularly in today's social networking lifestyles, it
is at epidemic proportions. These sexual and emotional predators
enjoy the challenge of any environment – such as online dating -
where they can retain the disguise longer or create plausible
deniability with impunity. Learning to recognize the
signs/behaviors of a narcissist’s relationship agenda can
prevent this type of abuse from ever happening OR it can give us the
confidence to finally (and permanently) go "no
contact" and exit the game. In the end, once we
have this information, the choice is ours to make alone and once we
do, we have to own it.

Do you suspect that
your partner is a narcissist? If so, this handbook of pathological
relationship behaviors is going to let you know one way or another!
It’s time to connect the dots.

Chapter I:
The Love Bomber

Even though a
narcissist’s love bombing involves all those initial
actions/behaviors that, normally, we might consider to be “too much
too soon” or “too good to be true”, somehow the spell is such
that we suddenly throw logic out the window. The trick of the
narcissist is that he creates a “soul mate effect”, appearing to
be everything we want by mirroring our best qualities back to us.
Moreover, the narcissist will do it in such a way that we don’t
even know it’s happening. This tactic ensures an intense connection
quickly with a desired target and creates the illusion that we’ve
found our soul mate!

When we’re
involved romantically with a narcissist, the relationship cycles
repeatedly through three distinct and, inevitably, recognizable
stages. These stages, in perfect order, are known as the Idolize,
Devalue, and Discard phases of the relationship and, if the guy is a
narcissist, they will occur in succession without fail over and over.

The initial stage –
the Idolize phase - happens at the very beginning and it is during
this phase that we are subjected to love-bombing, a tactic used by a
narcissist to ensure a quick and intense connection with a desired
target. Ironically, many of us would be quick to say that a guy who
comes on strong initially is less than attractive but with the
narcissist, this is not the case. Because he’s an N, he knows
exactly what he’s doing and he is very good at it. The narcissist
knows how to come on strong in a very passive-aggressive manner – a
clever combination of skills that serves him well on those specific
targets that he views as having future potential.

During this
love-bombing stage, the narcissist will use a variety of emotional
manipulation tactics to hook, re-hook, and then string-along his
unwitting – and often love struck - partner. One of the most
effective of these tactics is one that I call the soul mate
effect. Along with its sister manipulation tactic future faking
(See Chapter VII), the soul mate effect makes up the stickiest
portion of the narcissist’s evil web. Both tactics are so important
to love-bombing, in fact, that failing at one or the other could
cause the narcissist’s relationship agenda to cease up like a bad
engine. For this reason, failing is simply not an option to a
seasoned narcissist. If he fails, it’s a good bet he’s not a
narcissist.

And, yes, I have to
admit (and not proudly) that the soul mate effect was my downfall.
Clearly exploiting the fact that we’d known each other for ten
years before spending another thirteen as boyfriend and
girlfriend, my ex would use this tactic to pull me back in after
periodically letting me go. In other words, after blowing me off and
obviously changing his mind, it was love-bombing all over again just
to suck me back down the rabbit hole. You see, an emotional
manipulator will typically love-bomb a target during the Idolize
Phase to sink the hook and then re-use the tactic in lesser degrees
whenever they need to magically reappear after a silent
treatment.

In the beginning,
just like all of you, I felt as if my ex and I were meant to
be together. For the first few months, it was as if we shared the
same fucking brain. We’d finish each others sentences, we
liked the same music, we laughed at the same things, I loved his
sense of humor and he flattered me at every opportunity. It was
amazing! And then, of course, he referred to us as soul matesand BANG, I was a done deal. Wow…could he be right? Are we
soul mates? Of course we are!

Love-bombing via the
soul mate effect is particularly effective because it is so very
personal. Not only do we fall for the lie, we actually deeply believe
it as well. In fact, we believe it so much that later down the
road, perhaps as a way to get him back or to prevent him from
leaving, we will actually try to convince him of its
importance. Please don’t leave me! We’re soul mates!Because we
frequently confirm that the love-bombing indeed works, a narcissist
simply puts just a slight spin on the original event, thus
re-creating the effect upon every return as an easy relationship
reset. During those return moments, for example, my ex’s soul mate
rhetoric might go something like, “You know, I think I’m addicted
to you. What can I say? We’re soul mates!” And if he really
wanted to tug at my heartstrings, he’d refer to “our history
together” which, for me, was a key phrase that either caused me to
turn a blind eye or triggered immediate forgiveness.

The difference
between the soul mate effect and future faking is that the soul mate
effect occurs only at the initial love-bombing stage and at certain
reset points to hook and then re-hook a target. With the soul mate
effect already in place, future-faking, which involves the narcissist
making promises and/or future plans that will never happen, is
typically used to keep or maintain the hook. In
essence, future-faking is an extension of the soul mate effect and
each serves a very important purpose in the relationship agenda.
While both strategies are obviously evil in that they are
pre-meditated manipulations intended to fuck with a victim’s head
for completely deceptive and self-serving reasons, to understand the
association is how we connect the dots.

The trigger-pull to
all of this is how the narcissist behaves soon after creating the
soul mate effect - and, mind you, it’s not a matter of if but
when it will happen. Sadly, the narcissist will 1) create chaos
and disappear the next day after saying all these wonderful
things without an ounce of shame, or 2) forget the plans made
altogether and then look at you incredulously when you remind him, or
3) accuse you of putting pressure on him even though it was he who
made the plans, or 4) accuse you of ruining his life the morning
after an entire night spent of him calling you the best thing that
ever happened…and it goes on and on. It’s all a bunch of
pathological word garbage
that, in retrospect, means absolutely nothing but when it’s
happening, of course, it’s a heart breaker.

The Idolize phase is
for love-bombing the hell out of you, showering you with attention,
friendship, camaraderie, romance, and all those things you’ve
always wished for in a partner. The N will make you laugh until you
cry and he’ll tell you how different you are from anyone else he’s
ever been with. He’ll mirror every good quality that you have until
you find it absolutely amazing how many things you both have
in common. The relationship itself will feel effortless in just a
short period of time and your heart will feel light as a feather.
He’ll use the word “soul mate” to describe how he feels about
you. You’ll start a sentence and he’ll miraculously finish it as
if, as I said, you share the same brain. Finally, you’ll have found
a lover who is also your best friend…the romantic element
we always dream about, right?