Edward Carnby: Christian SlaterFormer unwilling guinea pig in the dastardly work of Lionel Hudgens on orphaned children: now a specialist in things that go bump in the dark – especially the things that make you say “Ow, my shin!”, “Oh dear me”, etc. Attacked by Andrew and Trevor at the film’s conclusion.

Aline Cedrac: Tara ReidScientist and Edward’s former girlfriend ~ does not go in for American Pie or Body Shots. Wears what looks like her PJs to work. Director eliminated most of her scenes for the new version of this film. Nuff said.

Commander Richard Burke: Stephen DorffCarnby’s sworn enemy, who swears a lot, shoots a lot and sweats a lot. I just described Stephen Dorff instead of his character. Ahh, The Power Of One reviewer. Goes kablooiey with all the uglies from the other side.

Professor Lionel Hudgens: Matthew WalkerThe dis-likeable former head of Unit 713. SHOUTS A HELL OF A LOT AS THE HORRIBLE THINGIE ATTACHED TO HIS NERVOUS SYSTEM MAKES HIM lose it occasionally. A close associate of Dr Shiro Ishi of Unit 731. Turns into Rambo and is knifed: speaks the opening narration and I don’t know why.

Sister Clara: Karin KonovalThe only likeable person in this entire mess and the one person who cares about Edward. Forced by Hudgens to use her charges FOR THE PRESERVATION OF THE human race. Commits suicide.

Agent Fischer: Frank C. TurnerCarnby’s contact and the spitting image of Fox and Friends’ host Steve Doocy. Gets spat on by one of the other side uglies and is turned into a zombie.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Two bullets to the heart will not kill someone: just make them angrier and crazier than a s**thouse rat.Despite what Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel think, darkness is not our friend.Things you don’t believe in can still kill you.The term ‘classified information’ is a euphemism for ‘none of your [expletive deleted] business’.Movie corpses don’t always wait to hear the director yell cut.Producers of such films can be real wankers. Mothers can be wrong about the dark.People walk and run in slow-mo in fish markets.When a pre-film credit crawl does not contain the words “A long time in a galaxy far, far away”, hold your nose as you are in deep s**t.Humankind has invented such things as self-repairing taxi cabs.A horrible thingy attached to your spine will turn a mild mannered Trevor clone into Rambo.What you can’t see (because of bad special fx) can also kill you whether you can see it or not.Douche bag Professors rely on a supply of orphaned children as cannon fodder for their experiments.

QUOTES:

Edward: “The gate was closed again. But like Trevor discovered, there’s a price to pay for bringing filthy underpants into the light. Those underpants were wiped off the face of the earth, leaving only the faintest trace of skid marks. And now, it’s happening all over again.” Aline: [COLOSSAL CLOUT] “I thought you were dead, you [rear fart / poop exit expletive deleted] hole!”Fischer: “You’re not supposed to be here, Carnby.”Edward: “I’m not. Commander Burke is.”Hudgens: “S**tTT!!!!!!!!!”Edward: “Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.”Aline: “Some doors are meant to stay shut.”Hudgens: “Don’t open it!”Edward: “Why am I still here? I just got my ass chased around this museum by something I can’t see!”Hudgens: “Does this place bring back memories, Carnby?”Edward: “There’s got to be something else here.”Hudgens:“It’s not about a few children! IT’S ABOUT THE FUTURE OF OUR SPECIES!!!”Edward: “I say we trust the Abkani.”Burke: “This doesn’t make any sense.”Edward: “This is where we need to go.”Hudgens: “Now. You’re with us.”Burke: “My men died for nothing! For [expletive deleted] nothing!”Edward: “Hudgens! Don’t be insane! Don’t open that door!”

STUFF TO WATCH FOR:

2:04: Ha ha! BRIGHT LIGHT PICTURES makes ALONE IN THE DARK! Ha ha…URKK!2:26: Twenty two years after the credits? 2:34: The last time I saw that lady, she was minus her arms and legs and was shoved under a bed at Home. 3:15: My sentiments exactly, Doctor.4:40: Well, THAT kid’s going to be in therapy for a long long time. 5:00: This film seems to have aged this guy terribly.5:14: Yes, I do think that about you. How did you know?6:20: What do I do? Oh, I masturbate primates and study their semen. 13:10: Any minute now, James Cameron’s going to get out of that thing. 14:15: Yikes, even the architecture is eeevvvvviiilllllll in this movie.18:00: “[expletive deleted] these VHS tapes: I’m going to go get some BluRays.”22:50: I would also sigh if I had a great rack like that in such a tight sweater.25:14: That looks like Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends.26:37: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST CHRISTIAN SLATER’S FACE!27:13: I thought I sent you to locate and buy some cut price undies for me? What gives, man?27:14 - 46:49: YAAAAAWWWWWWWWNNNNNNN........ boring, boring.....46:50: Umm…diddums want a sweetie?47:02: What ‘one of us’? One of the people with crazy ass eyes?48:00: I think someone forgot to pay the lights bill.49:19: Dog Monster: Hey! You miserable SOBs forgot to walk me!50:27: I don’t know what’s happening here but I do know one thing: my eyes are starting to bleed.53:54: Uncle Uwe: “Ag, scheisse: For vy you get zer icky blood on mein camera lens?”56:30: Ah, I was wondering where my car’s tires had got to.1:01:25: Looks like we missed the last train home, guys.1:07:17: Oy spik perfek brokun Abkani: the warning is to GTFO of this movie. Now.1:09:20: OK: While these bozos were shooting the s**t out of everything in sight, they let her die.1:09:21: She’s gone? Big deal: so is the audience.1:10:25: I guess she couldn’t wait to hear the word ‘cut’.1:14:37: That sounds like a crib from the score of Ronin.1:16:00: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TABLE!1:16:30: Oh wow, it’s….it’s…..it’s a DOOR!1:17: 09: Oops: something made me sneeze there and I nearly crapped myself.1:17:30: Whoa: When did he turn into Rambo?1:22:45: That’s what happens when your backyard septic tank goes unattended.1:24:52: That cat’s expression says everything you need to know about this movie.1:25:40: Dag nabbit: answer the [expletive deleted] phone!1:26:03: This city is really empty: did the producers order everyone killed or what?1:26:38: What is that white thing reflected in the glass? Trevor’s undies? NOOOOOOO!!!1:26:51: That would be Andrew and I attacking Christian and Tara, I suppose.

THE PLOT:

The scary video game of the same name was never the same after this film version was made in Canada. I don’t think that the aforementioned lovely country where I have three good family members – Newt, AndyC and JaseSF – was ever the same again.

How it ever got financed, I have no idea.

Instead of going straight into the movie, a credit crawl narrated by the film’s bad guy bores us stiff.

So, another investigative investigator into the paranormal gets attacked by a homicidal taxi cab driver? Big hairy deal: I live in South Africa and our taxi drivers double as hearse drivers here.

In the meantime, Professor Lionel Hudgens has employed James Cameron to bring up some stinky old crate from the sea, ripping off an old X Filesepisode but leaving behind the guy in the plane knocking on the windshield. When the captain opens the box, he unleashes all kinds of hell, including the part where this movie really starts [getting on my nerves]

Seizing the opportunity after this unleashing, all of Hudgens’ exploited children are reincarnated as zombie adults. Some even leave their customers behind.

A hug and a hell of a slap bring Aline Cedrac and Edward Carnby together again with the tender words “I thought you were dead, you a***ole!”

Recoiling from that assault, it does not take long before Aline and Eddie are going boinga-boinga once again.

Ewwww…….another in the series of “Was that REALLY necessary?” Too many lame CGI monsters, too weak a script, too many killings and too much money being spent on something ultimately not worth it.

A requirement of this movie is for the actors to look way cool while firing their rifles, handling a desk and being turned into A Grade Purina Chow for the monsters.

Leaving this movie on the shelf and deleting the review from my long-suffering PC is a thought I’ve entertained a lot but I….. must….finish……it. Just between us, there is this ugly creature that’s attached itself to my spine that is commanding me to (a) never wash my undies and (b) to review this to the end and write something similar to a coherent review of this mess.

Lousy, just lousy. Even that crash through the ceiling was boring.

You would really think that by now, I would have had enough of this film. I bought this DVD in one shop and a pizza in the shop next to it.

Shit happens, I suppose, especially in this kind of weird universe.

Trevor’s most intimate thoughts: I SHOULD HAVE EATEN THE DVD AND WATCHED THE PIZZA: IT WOULD HAVE MADE MORE SENSE THAT WAY.

Uglies from the deepest darkness, everywhere, everywhere.

Perhaps the film will get better with a few more killings and less people asking “WTF is going on here?”

I have to admit that it was me asking the above-mentioned question.

Dear me (no expletive deleted comment necessary): I was looking for entertainment with a capital E, not Endangerment of what remains of my underpants.

Laughable film, not funny, not scary and by no means even exciting. You just keep hoping that one of the main characters will die horribly and your spirits will perk up because of that.

My pronouncing of the word NEWFOUNDLAND is a little more correct than that one.

Ever wished you weren’t watching something? Right now, I would rather be watching the spindles go round and round at our local sewerage plant’s dams than be watching this POS.

Damnit, I think I just reached my limit.

Ugh, get me out of this review and this movie!

Mmm...After witnessing Tara Reid’s attempts at acting, I can see why the director eliminated almost all of her scenes in the director’s cut of this film. What I can’t understand is why this film was a best-seller in Europe.

Bulls**t, I am watching utter bulls**t and I paid good money for this DVD!

Andrew, HELPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I lost control of myself and my bodily functions there.

So there are many uglies hiding in the dark and many, many, too many tracer bullets being fired.

Meanwhile our heroes have found a… a…. DOOR!! They also find that a wimpy scientist with an evil ding-dong attached to his nervous centre can turn into John J. Rambo very quickly.

Oh great, the malevolent doctor gets the sharp end of the deal.

Violence reigns, Hudgens is knifed and makes a mess of the ceiling, Burke goes kablooiey, the orphanage’s septic tank erupts from all the crap within and without: Sister Clara kills herself.

In the meantime, the two remaining heroes wander the deserted streets, looking for signs of life or just a car with keys left in the ignition and it is no good that they check the cinema as even the projectionist has bolted from the booth in terror of the onscreen crap. Soon, the only sound you will hear is the flap, flap sound of the end of the film reel hitting the projector.

Eventually the film ends with both Andrew and I attacking the actors.

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What you, dear reader, will immediately notice is that, while I thoroughly diss this movie, nowhere in this review is there one word said or written against Uwe Boll ~ this is a review that, should he read it, would surprise him greatly.

After being made distressed, upset and angry by his film Darfur which was made in South Africa starring Billy Zane, Kristanna Loken and David O’Hara (the latter actor playing a very good guy for once) and which deals with conflict in the Sudan and six journalists getting themselves involved in said conflict, I realized that Uncle Uwe has a talent for film making other than making bad copies of really creepy video games such as House of The Dead, Alone In The Dark, Pong and Duck Hunt to name but a few.

Darfur upset me so much in fact that I nearly had a car accident en route to my hotel after attending the premiere in March 2010 in Cape Town: I also couldn’t sleep or eat that night, such was the effect that film had on me. I burst into tears at the end of it, where, in the midst of so much horror, death and destruction, a tiny sound of life (a hungry baby crying) is heard. Chris Roland, the producer of Darfur was on hand for a Q&A session after the screening and I nearly hugged the guy: the last time I cried unashamedly like that in a theater was when I saw Jans Rautenbach’s Katrina and I was the projectionist.

I know several people in the SA film industry that worked with Uncle Uwe on Darfur and the Vietnam War film 1968Tunnel Rats and all agree that while he is someone who is a tough taskmaster, he is actually quite a nice guy with a good sense of humor too. His good-natured lampooning of himself in Postal bears me out on this, as does his hilarious YouTube video of his Razzie Awards rejection (filmed on the Darfur set) where his first words to the camera and the Razzie committee are “Ah, [expletive deleted], you found me.”

So yes, underneath all the BS and the less than loved film adaptations of great video games, Uwe Boll is a talented filmmaker. There: I’ve said it. He made me cry while watching Darfur and I would kiss the guy if I ever met him: not just because I have some communicable diseases that I’d like to pass on to someone.

This movie on the other hand…… YIKES. If you want my thoughts on it, put together all the letters of each first word in bold in each successive paragraph of the review and that will give you my exact feeling on this.

« Last Edit: November 12, 2013, 03:41:37 AM by Trevor »

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Questions fell but no one stopped to listenThat eternity was just a dawn awayAnd the rest was sure to comeLeaves, caught in winter's ice