Shamepies! The little Justin Bieber kid is falling apart at the seams. (Dear God, could this get any more maudlin?) According to the Biebs, the night he broke his kissing virginity with Selena Gomez was the best kiss of his life. He says, “My first kiss with Selena was the best of my life. It was in the car. It was scary and spontaneous and it was just awesome.” That’s romantic. She’s a beauty and he’s a beat(ch). He adds, “What does love feel like? It feels good. If you’re really in love then you should get butterflies. Butterflies and happiness, that’s how I feel anyway.” No shiz nizz Sherlock! Love kicks the brain into overdrive and causes you to do stupid stuff e.g. scream laugh while taking a shower, giggle in your coffee, and drool on a wall. Love is a fun experience. A good experience. An important experience. Don’t ruin it for us with your sentimental cheese crackers, please?

The bipolar love birds – Bieber and Gomez – once again fell out of the love truck and finally split. It was written in the Barbara Palvin cards and whatnot, and it was only a matter of time before Gomez went to graze in the green grass of single life. He still loves her most probably – she was, after all, his first love – but it’s over now, so they should focus on their careers and fire their PR people. (Nothing takes the sting out of heartbreak like firing someone).

Luckily for us non-fans, The Bieber doesn’t want to share his relationship and his heartbreak with his admirers – Sister Wives FTW! Instead, he would rather keep all of his personal relations out of the public eye. (Deleting Twitter?) He tells Fabulous, “I never like to throw it in my fans’ faces. I love my fans and I’d never want to do that to them. It’s my private life and I like to keep that separate. I don’t have many things that I get to myself, but that’s the one thing. I’m very happy. And I know my fans just want to be happy for me.”

Barney hug and pity party for one – RSVP before or on Justin Bieber’s cheating rumours.