finding a sense of place

Really, It’s Not About Me (except today, it might be), But, All Is Bright!

Disclaimer: Keepin’ it real, y’all. An update post of sorts since I’ve been pretty absent lately. The Christmas spirit has been a slow start for me and You may be subjected to a small pity party, but it does end on a bright note! Also, I mention Rod Stewart and Jesus both in this post. I think they would be okay with that.

Rod Stewart is crooning I’ll Have A Blue Christmas in my ear and the dish suds is getting to the point that the dishes better be done soon or we’ll have to have fresh water. If only I’d done them last night instead of going to Dollar General. Because mixing dinner dishes with breakfast dishes makes double the “toil and trouble”.

Going to Dollar General (I live in a really small town and it’s a good place to get gift wrapping supplies) was a good thing though, because finally, it was beginning to feel like Christmas. Nothing like buying empty gift boxes to get you in that Christmas spirit. But then,

I had breakfast dishes to do (at lunch time) because I woke up with a short stab of pain in my head and then felt a little heavy armed and a slight (very slight) numbing sensation in my face. So, I called my parents to come sit with me awhile just to make sure I was really okay (I’m really not a hypochondriac). I seem to be okay because we checked my blood pressure and it was close to normal (I am self-diagnosing a pinched nerve, or sinus issues, or more than likely, just plain ole stress) and then I was hungry, hence the breakfast for all of us and the extra dishes. Followed by,

A mishap with the bathroom sink. I left my Mom (who has Alzheimer’s) in the bathroom with the water running, forgetting that she has trouble turning the facet off. A few minutes later when she hadn’t appeared and I realized the water was still running I walked in to see the faucet skewed sideways and water running down the counter, over the cabinet front, onto the floor. Quite a nice puddle. Yep, she still has her strength, apparently, as the faucet was sideways and is now lose, but still seems to function without leaks. And, my bathroom floor needed a good mopping anyway. I was a little frazzled by this turn of events, but tried to reassure her it wasn’t her fault. Lately,

I’ve been way stressed. Like waking up crying stressed. Like I want to hibernate from the world stressed. For no apparent, specific reason, but just life in general catching up with me, the depression that lingers longer this time of year and some nagging health related things I need to share with my Doctor when I finally dig my head out of the sand and let him start drawing blood. But first,

We have to get through Rocky’s Cataract surgery (December 17) and my having to navigate big city traffic on the interstate (my nemesis) since he is having surgery in Louisville. We have known for several months that this was coming soon, but when he saw his Doctor last week she went ahead and scheduled now, during the most ‘hap, happiest season of all,” so that is added to the stress to do list.

Then there is my computer which is in for a check-up as we speak. The prognosis is not good. Rocky’s also needs some TLC so we are both functioning on a very slow computer, which is nothing to complain about really, in light of more important things.

I am also still playing musical tables at my house and currently have a floater table. She spent two nights ago in the Music room and last night in the Living room. she is a leggy, restless one that table. I waffle between sending her away or finding her a place all her own. Except, therein lies the rub. We are short on space. I kind of like having her around though due to my inherited thing with tables, so here we are,

Living in a space with too much furniture and feeling somewhat unorganized which has not been good for my state of mind. If I have too many things begging for my attention at once, or too many decisions to be made, I freeze and can’t function. Which is why,

Today, for a little while, everything caught up with me and it did feel like it was about me. I resisted the urge to cry and started the dish water instead. Then, after a few moments of searching for the Christmas CD’s, I soaped and rinsed dishes as Rod sang to me. So, now that I’m armed with clean dishes, my gift boxes and Rod, I think I’ll usher Christmas in quietly, giving myself permission to do no more or no less than I feel up to. Because, as Rod just reminded me, it’a really all about,

Holy Infant, tender, peace. This is all I need to remember. When the dishes are dirty, when the sink floods, when my computer crashes, when I have to battle traffic, when my head hurts, when my spirit is crushed, when I’m pulled too many directions, when I am chest deep in chaos and the breathing is shallow and the world is closing in, I just close my eyes, breathe in the silent night and remember the Holy Infant. His tenderness brings peace.

8 thoughts on “Really, It’s Not About Me (except today, it might be), But, All Is Bright!”

wow, you’ve had a lot going on. It’s easy to get overwhelmed when we feel our lives are spinning out of control. Thankful you are able to realize the true meaning of the season and rest. All of that other stuff can wait.

Thanks for stopping by Barbie – this week has been better and I’m doing my best to just relax and stop worrying about everything! Thank you for keeping the bloggers together. I haven’t left many comments lately but I still see what’s going on and it is great to know there is a support community!

Teresa, in so many ways I can relate-the details are different but the piling up of little and big things seek to overwhelm over here in Colorado as well, and your transparency and honesty coupled with that gift of weaving words that you have….well let me just say it is balm for a weary soul.

Melony, thank you so much for your encouraging words. When I have weeks like the past few and the weariness settles in, I wonder why I am even writing. Then someone like you comes along and helps me see why I still write. It is good therapy for me and hearing you say that it is balm helps me realize that at least a few people get my heart and can relate.

So glad I got to meet you in September – you have such a beautiful heart and that shines through in your smile. I wish you a peaceful Christmas season.

May his tenderness continue to bring you peace, my friend! You have really been through it…and it is OK to stop and take that breath and just let go of all the stress; and listen to that music that puts you in the place you need to be…I knew I had been missing you; but have been chillin’ myself! After a very busy thankful Thanksgiving, I needed the rest and relaxation, too…take care of you so you can be there for the others…Blessing to you all!

Thanks, dear friend. I am beginning to realize that I have to take time to chill and not feel guilty about it – the only way I can be there for others is to be sane myself! I hope this season is one of peace and blessings for you. I’m still here in the background and I will keep in touch.