Monthly Archives: December 2014

I don’t know what it is. At times I can’t write to save my own life. At times i write so fast my hands struggle to catch up with my brain. At times am strung so tight the only way to release the pent up energy is through scribbling my notebook over and over again.

Its always after i talk to you… For some reason you open up gates of words and thoughts in me. You take me to a new high. It’s the adrenaline rush that gets me so into my mind, down the gutters of creativity…exploring fields of words, gaping over mountains of thought, lost in the mist of creativity, drinking from the fountain of my own instincts.

And when i see you in my mind, when I conjure up thoughts of you, when it feels like i can literally touch you though you are but a fiction of my imagination…my pen runs wild over the pages…my notebook floods with you.

You and your smile. You and your sigh. You and your laugh. You and your insolence. You and your pretense. You and your pride. You and your surprisingly alluring stubborn streak.

Rummaging through the dust of past lovers…drinking in hope and searching in the journals….devouring page after page…indifference abounding in my wake. At the abyss where life meets death…where hope meets hopelessness, where faith is diluted by the lurking doubts…that’s where i find you.

You always wait. With the same jaded but knowing crooked smile. You always wear that “i knew you’d be back” attitude so well i am tempted to punch you.

But I saw galaxies in your eyes. I got lost in the stars within. I got drawn into the pool that’s your soul You drew me in with your smile. My muse, my inspiration.

Over time you learn to tango with your demons. Over time you learn to sip a latte and read books with that inner critic. Over time you learn when to take the Devil within for coffee and when to toss him to the gutters of hell. Over time you grow wise and laugh at the things you used to do before you learned to walk again.

Well, at least that’s the order of life among the ‘normal’ people. Me? well, I repeat the same mistake over and over again just to be sure I got it right the first place. I kick my toe on the coffee table again and again till it bleeds no more, metaphorically of course, i am not a sucker for pain. I poke at my scars over and over till they bleed. Then just when they are drying up, well, i go at them again. Okay, lets say i am a little sucker for pain.

Over time, the Devil’s smirk ceases to bother you. You get along just fine with the disasters and troubles that life shoves your way. You learn to tell karma where to shove it. Well, in less colorful lingo anyhow. You learn to overlook the little pressures of life and concentrate on its pleasures.

You learn to start over. To begin again. You are the master of your destiny. You can shuffle the cards and ignore the ones fate deal you .You decide what’s good for you. You conquer your fears. Learn to walk again. To talk again. To stand for yourself. Because at the end of the day you have yourself to answer to. When you finally hang your reputation to inspect the dents on it…the happiness of society can take a hike up the highroad…that high-horse can go to hell, that pedestal wont put a smile on your face…only the smile on your face and the happiness in your heart is what really matters

Over time, impending disaster becomes a comedy. That knife stuck on your back by a supposed best friend no longer makes you question your faith in humanity..because heck, what faith? People come into your life and leave…there’s no forcing the order of chaos. The hands of time keep moving. The hour glass empties and refills at its leisurely pace. so why, i ask, why bend over backwards for things that don’t build you up. Why get an ulcer for things you can’t change? Why get riled up over something you can shrug off and move on? Uuurm, just a question.Because some circumstances, some people, some encounters…are just connoisseurs of pain and betrayal.

A little twisted. A little sexy. a little walk on the wild side. the taste of something new. A little crazy and out of control….Because at the end of the day, everybody walks with the Devil sometimes

Death, they say, is no respector of Person, Place nor Time. Everyone knows that. But when it happens…when the Grim Reaper finally snoops through and decides to barge in unannounced on you…

The pain gets real bad. You bawl your eyes out feel a deep rage that wont go away. You can’t be consoled then. You pull at your hairs and scream real loud even though you know it wont change a thing.

Its terrible.Its unfair.Its sudden.Its cruel.Its too much.

But you cant get away from it. And no matter how much you hurt, you cant change it. And its worse if its your child. Your parent. Your lover. Heck, its always worse.

Its like losing your limbs after growing up with them all along. Its like turning blind after always being able to see. It enrages you. You wonder WHY ME!!! You punch the wall in your despair. You curse the fucking forces that be.