The Don Quixote PieceScene 10

"These words are to protect me: To do what I want to do:
To keep me from doing what I crave to do: What I will not do:
What I refuse: What I resist, insist I will not do. I will
not massage China's sartorious again as I did again this
afternoon after the matinee. I will not massage it until its
knots and tightnesses are massaged out of it, until the
muscles of the inside of her left thigh are smooth and pliant
and warm and pink with her exerted blood. I will not then
palpate the rest of China's left leg, her calf and her ankles
and her knees for tightnesses and knots. And I will not then
move on to her right leg, massaging it, exploring the hollows
and flexing and twitching and quivering of her muscles as I
did this afternoon after the matinee. I will not continue
then, until, moaning, China rolls in a serpentine roll and
indicates slightly the tops of her thighs and quietly asks me
to massage her quadriceps while her crystal green eyes--still
smudged with stage make-up--watch me provokingly, as if
daring me, as if goading me to use this pretense to continue
my exploration of her excellent form. I will not then
massage those thighs until they slope into hip, and caress
the form of her hip as she extends and then parts her legs. I
will not then feel the flatness of China's belly, and then in
a bold but not unexpected moment stroke her mons veneris. I
will not then bite China's neck as I did this afternoon after
the matinee, and smell the mingled odors of apples and make-
up and pepper and sweat. I will not then reach for China's
small perfect breasts and feel their nipples protruding
through the thin leotard. I will not then kiss her full on
her pink mouth. China will not then lead me across the stage
floor of my home, down a step, to the bathroom doorway,
through the bathroom doorway, where posing before the mirror
she will peal from herself her leotard to reveal to me her
small perfect breasts, to reveal to me her excellent naked
form, her perfect naked form, her body shorn of all but its
essentials, her human body perfected and exaggerated to its
artistic truth. China will not then stand before me so
unselfconsciously naked as she did this afternoon after the
matinee, so comfortably naked, so willingly naked as I unpin
her strawberry blond hair and let it fall around her French
eyes and face wet and slack with desire. China will not then
swivel and open the shower valve and then turn and suddenly
fold her arms around my now disrobed body, and kiss me
hungrily. And I will not then enter the steaming shower with
China, as I did this afternoon, and then wash from her the
matinee, and then possess her form, and so betray myself and
Beth."