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I have a list of to-do’s. Many of them are things I need to get done in order to make my life less chaotic. And let’s face it – life can be chaotic. Things like clean the high chair before the next meal, prepare snacks for the babysitter to feed the child before she gets there, make sure the laundry is done.

Some of them are things that would be nice to get done to make life more pleasant. Those unfortunately usually fall to the bottom of the list and the chaos-inducing ones. Things like fold and put away the laundry, prepare snacks for the week ahead of time, and prepare healthy snacks for myself ahead of time.

And then there’s the wish to-do list. This one is never really written down, but remains in my head as dreams of things I want to-do. This includes things like go to an extra exercise class (besides the 2 a week I normally go to), bake just to bake, write a blog post, read a book, etc.

These I can say really never get done. (The exception is today’s blog post writing). But I want to do these things, so I need to make them happen.

Sometimes life is funny. We spend our days doing things we really don’t want to do, but need to do, while dreaming about what we want to do. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if it was the other way around? Unless you are fortunate enough to have a full time housekeeper, chef, nanny, dog sitter, etc. – this probably isn’t possible. And even then, I’m sure you are stuck doing things you don’t want to because you have to. And yes, it’s part of life – doing things you don’t want to. And that’s fine. No big deal.

But then there’s finding the time for things you want to do. That’s where the difficult part comes in.

So, here I am, finding time. Instead of zoning out in front of the tv after a busy day of work and life, I’m writing. Because I want to and this is the time I have to do it.

It shouldn’t be so hard to find motivation to do things you want to do. But sometimes, it is. And that’s a reality. There’s all these slogans that say if you really want it, you’ll find a way; and if you don’t, then you’ll find an excuse. While I do believe there is some truth to this – there is also the truth of being run down, exhausted and used up by the end of the day.

So, no more feeling guilty for not working after the little one goes to sleep and taking time to do something for me.

No more feeling guilty that I haven’t yet cleaned the high chair in preparation for tomorrows breakfast. Breakfast is 12 hours away. I can take some time to write.

No more feeling guilty – the guilt can kill the motivation. So here I am, guiltless, spending a little me time before diving back into life.

I’m having difficulty remembering what day it is. Days tend to all blur together – one bleeding into the next. We actually still have a notebook we keep logging our son’s diaper changes, feedings, naps, etc. Otherwise we won’t remember. Parenthood definitely takes away some of your brain power.

So it’s already Wednesday. Wow.

I am happy to report I did good on my workout goal for last week. I did every workout except for Sunday’s yoga DVD. It’s probably the one I need to most, but the one I feel least guilty about skipping. Odd, right? But there were days I had to force myself to do my 15 minute exercise – and I did it. So yay! Small victory dance.

My goal this week is 30 minutes. Yesterday that didn’t happen. Yesterday was chaotic. My sitter didn’t show up and I had an early morning meeting with my boss – so my husband had to stay with the baby. And from then on, craziness ensued. You know how when your day starts off crazy, it just stays crazy. Unexpected trip to the pediatricians office, ridiculously long lines at the grocery store for 11am on a Tuesday, all that happened. So no, I didn’t workout then. But I did my 30 minutes on Monday and today, so I’m just picking up where I left off. No guilt. Things happen. No quitting – that’s the more important thing!

On a totally unrelated note, while I’m happy I’ve started this exercise regime, I still can’t help looking towards next year for me to finally have some happiness. I don’t know why – I’ve never been a New Year’s person. January 1 is just the same as December 31st in my book. But for some reason I feel like all the hurt and stress I have buried deep down in me will disappear with the changing of the year. It doesn’t work that way, I know. I just don’t have the time or the means to release it, and it will stay with me until I do. That’s a scary thought. But I just have to keep powering on. When the feelings overcome me, I let them. I don’t judge myself. You can’t wish away sadness anymore than you can wish for more money. So I just feel it. And hope that one day I won’t be so sad anymore.

But that’s my update. Nothing overwhelming. Just thought I’d throw this out there.

I just had to pat myself on the back a little bit. Three days of doing some working out while my little one napped (or was suppose to be napping).

I have to give you a bit of background information.

This used to be me:

After a rough pregnancy (all day sickness started at 6 weeks – ended 2 days after I gave birth) and a bad recovery (unplanned C-section, reflux baby requiring round the clock care, etc.), working out has not been in my schedule for over a year now.

Before pregnancy, as I went out to run 3-4 miles before a good 30-45 minute strength training session, I used to look at people who were walking and be jealous. Part of me hated pushing myself so hard to get a good workout. Now, by the end of my 30 minute walk, I’m sweating. I’m that person I used to be jealous of – and I’m completely jealous of the old me. Grass is always greener, right?

So part of me is a bit down on my current workout.

I’m doing the 21 Day Fix DVDs (no, I’m not a Beachbody rep – but I do enjoy their products). And I’m not even doing all the DVD – I’m only doing one round of each exercise. So my workouts are more like 15 minutes. And yep, I get a little winded, sweaty, and I definitely feel them the next day (even though I’m using little to no weight). Compared to where I was, I feel like a slug doing such a little workout.

But I have to quit comparing myself to, well, myself. My body has been through a lot – and made a beautiful, healthy and amazing little boy. So yeah, it’s going to be a little beat up. And that’s ok. Because it will get better. And I may never be where I was when that picture was taken, and that’s honestly 100% ok with me. My goal, to be perfectly open, is just to fit into some of my pre-pregnancy clothes. Not all – but at least a few.