Being married… and attracted to other men

There’s a man in my life who I’ve known for a while. We bump into each other every now and then and the attraction from years before is still there.

But I’m married to someone else.

I’m happily married and have been for almost nine years. I love my husband and have no intention of ever being with anyone else, ever. But from time to time I’m still attracted to other men. I don’t flirt (well, I try not to) but I do realise that familiar feeling. I often wonder if there’s a way to switch off potential attraction to other people, or is it normal?

I was surprised the first time I was attracted to someone after I’d been married. I was surprised, horrified and guilty. He was my new personal trainer at my gym. He was hot but he was also smart. He knew things I didn’t know. Knowledge and ambition have always been triggers for crushes for me. But how could I think about another man in that way when I was so in love with my husband? Did it mean I didn’t love my husband as much as I thought it did? Were we doomed?

I revealed my dilemma to a friend who’d been married for several years. She thought it was funny that I was so disgusted with myself. She said it was totally normal and she often felt attraction to others.

She added, “Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you won’t be attracted to other people. You love your husband. The difference is you don’t act on it because you’re married and you don’t act on it because you love your husband. Just forget about it and move on.”

I’ve been thinking about this ever since and she is totally right. I think the trap people fall into is they think their attraction to another means they aren’t in the right relationship, as though their attraction to another must mean they aren’t with their soul mate or something. This is a romantic, idealistic and damaging way to view love and relationships. How can any marriage survive such a high bar as this?

Marriage is about love but it is also about choice. I choose to focus all my attention on my marriage, even when he is annoying and we are mad with each other. I recognise that I am attracted to others and I’m sure he is too but we don’t act on it because we love each other and are devoted to our marriage.

Our attraction to others is just that, attraction. It’s a fleeting moment of attraction that just means we are human.

And to continue my tradition of inappropriate quotes in my work, here’s one from Sister Wives. I love this show. Cody (the husband) said that sometimes in a marriage your wife might be mad at you but they still want you around to be mad at. So don’t read into your feelings too much. Attraction, anger, doubt…they are just feelings and just like feelings like happiness, fulfilment and contentment, feelings come and go. They are all part of the ride. Just stay on. And try not to flirt!

Jo Abi is the author of the book How to Date a Dad: a dating guide released by Hachette Livre Australia. You can read more about her many and various exploits here and follow her on Twitter here.

If you have a significant other – do you ever find yourself attracted to other people? Have you ever acted on it? Would you?

And while you’re pondering that dilemma, check out our gallery of the men you might be attracted to…

Click to open gallery Bradley Cooper

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Bradley Cooper

Bradley Cooper

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Click to open gallery Chris Hemsworth

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Chris Hemsworth

Chris Hemsworth

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Click to open gallery Clive Palmer

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Clive Palmer

Cliver Palmer

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Click to open gallery James Dean

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James Dean

James Dean

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Click to open gallery Jason Priestley

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Jason Priestley

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Click to open gallery Johnny Depp

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Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp

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Click to open gallery Johnny Depp

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Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp

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Click to open gallery Prince Harry

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Prince Harry

Prince Harry

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Click to open gallery Prince Harry

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Prince Harry

Prince Harry

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Click to open gallery Robert Pattinson

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Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Waleed Aly

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Waleed Aly

Waleed Aly

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Click to open gallery Idris Elba

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Idris Elba

Idris Elba

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Click to open gallery Clive Owen

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Clive Owen

Clive Owen

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Click to open gallery Karl Stefanovic

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Karl Stefanovic

Karl Stefanovic

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Click to open gallery Tom Piotrowski

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Tom Piotrowski

Tom Piotrowski

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling with George Clooney

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Ryan Gosling with George Clooney

Ryan Gosling and George Clooney

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Click to open gallery David Campbell

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David Campbell

David Campbell

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Click to open gallery Matt Damon

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Matt Damon

Matt Damon

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Click to open gallery Bryan Cranston

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Bryan Cranston

Bryan Cranston

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Click to open gallery Eddie Redmayne

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Eddie Redmayne

Eddie Redmayne

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Click to open gallery Jason Clare

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Jason Clare

Jason Clare

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Click to open gallery Ryan Reynolds

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Ryan Reynolds

Ryan Reynolds

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Click to open gallery Sam Worthington

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Sam Worthington

Sam Worthington

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Click to open gallery David Speers

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David Speers

David Speers

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Click to open gallery Malcolm Turnbull

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Malcolm Turnbull

Malcolm Turnbull

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Click to open gallery Denzel Washington

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Denzel Washington

Denzel Washington

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Click to open gallery Jeremy Fernadez

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Jeremy Fernadez

Jeremy Fernadez

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Brad Pitt

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Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Patrick Dempsey

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Patrick Dempsey

Patrick Dempsey

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Click to open gallery Patrick Dempsey as Derek Shephard.

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Patrick Dempsey as Derek Shephard.

Patrick Dempsey

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Click to open gallery Patrick Dempsey with his twins Sullivan and Darby

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Patrick Dempsey with his twins Sullivan and Darby

Patrick Dempsey

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Click to open gallery Bradley Cooper

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Bradley Cooper

Bradley Cooper

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Prince Harry

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Prince Harry

Images from the Royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.29/04/2011Byline: Ikon PicturesIkon Pictures Limited0797 1567 124

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Leonardo DiCaprio

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Leonardo DiCaprio

Leonardo DiCaprio

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

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Click to open gallery Brad Pitt

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Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt

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Click to open gallery Ryan Gosling

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Ryan Gosling

CANNES, FRANCE - MAY 20: Actor Ryan Gosling attends the 'Drive' photocall during the 64th Annual Cannes Film Festival at Palais des Festivals on May 20, 2011 in Cannes, France. (Photo by George Pimentel/FilmMagic)