The Official 2016 Playoffs Bandwagon Guide

Hey there folks! I know this is a bit different than a normal comic but I do this post every year (normally on Uproxx) and I’ve decided to stick it here this time. The Playoffs are finally upon us and what a glorious time of year it is. If there is anything that can take our fragile minds off of how terrible the NFL, the world, and our lives are, it’s the majesty of playoff football. So if you are one of the sad fans who are stuck with no team in the playoffs, or your team actually is in the playoffs but you need a backup team in case your own breaks your heart, here is the handy bandwagon guide, so that YOU can still trash talk people anyway.

THE NO CHANCE FEEL GOOD STORIES
They are probably boned but very likeable

The Detroit Lions
Most unique reason to bandwagon: The heartwarming tale of a perennial snake-bitten franchise
Every year the most acceptable moral bandwagon is the team that no one can actually hate, the team that never wins, and has a small chance of actually winning it all. The Lions are simply too snake-bitten to hate. Even if you don’t pick the Lions as your official bandwagon team, you know you’ll still be okay with them winning it all, so really, we are all Lions bandwagoners.

The Miami Dolphins
Most unique reason to bandwagon: A different AFCE champion? Sign me up!
If the first choice in any playoff bandwagon is the perennial loser, then the second most bandwagon-able team each year is the upstart team that nobody ever expected to be there. The Dolphins fill that role this season, starting off 1-4, left for dead, then came surging back to secure a playoff spot even with a season ending injury to their starting QB. The Dolphins surprised everyone this year, and they deserve your love, even if their chances are small.

The Oakland RaidersMost unique reason to Bandwagon: Give Oakland a Champion before they leave for Vegas
The Raiders were probably the most bandwagon-able team in the entire league before the Carr Crash. A team that spent over a decade wallowing in it’s own filth after a Super Bowl embarrassment finally found itself and became the most fun, like-able team in the league behind the back of ugly face rising star Derek Carr, Stud Amari Cooper, a now fun Micheal Crabtree, and Khalil Fucking Mack. But then Carr crashed and the Raiders fell from a contender to a first round exit candidate. This team has a bright future, but not in these playoffs. Still, if they won, that would own.

THE GUYS YOU’D BE HAPPY TO BRING HOME TO MOMThe acceptable, solid choicesThe Atlanta FalconsMost unique reason to bandwagon: Nobody is really taking them seriously despite how good they’ve been
The Falcons did their usual Falcons thing of starting off strong and then fading in the stretch. Wait…What? They didn’t? They ended up with the 2nd overall seed in the NFC? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? It feels like the Falcons finally defied our expectations and only faded from the public consciousness instead of actually fading. The team has no defense, but it hasn’t hurt them too much, because the offense is incredible. This team can score with anyone, and now that nobody is looking might just surprise. Plus, they’ve never won.

The Kansas City ChiefsMost Unique Reason to Bandwagon: Do it for the Walrus
The Chiefs are like a big plate of warm mashed potatoes. They fill you up right, they satisfy, and you can’t help but wonder if something more exotic might have tasted better but you are still okay with your choice of dinner. The defense is incredibly fun to watch, the team has made special teams an enjoyable and important aspect of the game, and the offense is calculated and efficient if dull. The Chiefs have a problem of sitting on a lead once they get one and they really aren’t built to come from behind (Even with a couple comeback wins) but it’s a solid team and solid teams with playoff experience are always a solid choice. Plus the last time the Chiefs won a Super Bowl only dinosaurs were alive.THE CHAOS RUN
For those who just want to see the world left in ruins as people struggle to understand how

The New York GiantsMost unique reason to Bandwagon: Unique powers of Patriot Slaying
The two teams listed here are listed as such because they are teams with terrible offenses and great defenses, which in my recent memory seems to be the recipe for playoff upsets. The Giants especially have history here, and if we somehow get another Giants/Patriots SB, no one is really going to be surprised because the ingredients are there, they just need to be mixed. Plus, if you hate the other teams in the NFC playoff, imagine how fun it would be to watch the Giants ruin dreams again en route to another Super Bowl nobody they defeated thinks they deserve as they cry salty tears when Eli holds up another Lombardi he wishes was a rocket pop.
The Houston TexansMost unique reason to Bandwagon: TWO TIME CHAMP BROCK OSWEILERThe Texans offense is atrocious. Brock Osweiler is back in the driver seat and oh my god we have to watch the Raiders play the Texans this is an actual playoff game. But imagine how amazing it would be if a great defense once again carried Brock Osweiler, a man who was benched mid-season, to a Championship. We could have a man who started at QB win two straight super bowls on different teams who both scorned him. Brock would be legend. Some of you will find that an atrocity. Those of you like me will think that is probably the funniest thing that could possibly happen in this playoff.

THE TEAMS ONLY A FAN COULD LOVE
You have chosen the dark side and are officially proud to be an glory seeking asshole
The Pittsburgh SteelersMost unique reason to Bandwagon: Antonio Brown
Antonio Brown is cool and good and deserving of your love. Nothing else about the Steelers is loveable. The towels are stupid. The STAIRWAY TO SEVEN crap is stupid. Big Ben is probably a rapist and no amount of rings will make him not probably a rapist. However, they are still probably the least evil choice of the remaining teams.
The Green Bay PackersMost valid reason to bandwagon: Uh..They aren’t the Pats or Cowboys I guess?
The Packers are the Patriots of the NFC. They’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time being good in the past two decades and it’s gotten to the point where it’s just incredibly boring. They haven’t had the same level of success the Pats have had, but they’ve always been there. When Rodgers talked about running the table, we all knew it would happen, because life is cruel. The Packers have had their success, go away. There aren’t any Charles Woodsons (Players who deserve a ring but don’t have one) to root for on this team anyway. Maybe the corpse of Julius Peppers?

The Seattle Seahawks
Most unique reason to bandwagon: Watching some dumb team decide Tom Cable is worth a head coaching job afterwardThe Hawks are probably the least likely team in the asshole category to actually win as the Seahawks window appears to be rapidly closing and they can’t play on the road for shit. Earl Thomas is dead, the offensive line is a tire fire of stunning proportions, and Russell is no longer the love-able little scamp he used to be and is now just kind of a weirdo. Every year the Seahawks don’t win brings us closer to the stability juncture of the 12’s no longer being incredibly annoying and just being regular fans with a gimmick again.

The New England Patriots
Most unique reason to bandwagon: Well, they aren’t the CowboysThe Patriots have made a case for the best franchise in league history for the past 16 years. They need another championship in the same way that rich people need another boat. Go away, Patriots. Let someone else have a turn.

The Dallas Cowboys
Most unique reason to bandwagon: You hate America
On paper, with all team names hidden from view, the Cowboys are a like-able, root-able team. A team that built itself the right way with unsexy offensive line picks? A team with a long denied star (Romo) on his last legs, sitting behind one of the most incredible rookie QB runs in history? A coach everyone laughed at, now taking his team to the #1 seed? A stud rookie RB? A long time steady blue collar star TE? The Cowboys would be the most likeable team in history if it wasn’t for one fact:

They are the Cowboys

Fuck the Cowboys. If the Cowboys win the levels of smug fandom will outclass everything that has come before it in our lifetime. It will be inescapable thanks to social media and the internet. If we have a Patriots/Cowboys Super Bowl, I will root for the Patriots. I’d rather see the old money get another boat and keep being smug than the new money asshole who doesn’t know how to be rich rub it in everyone’s faces. Fuck the Cowboys forever and ever amen

Discussion (58) ¬

As a Steelers fan, it’s been interesting to watch the public opinion of the Steelers go from “a team with an historic winning tradition and loyal fans” to “Roethlisberger rapes people and their fans are insufferable”.

The Steelers fans became contemptible in 2005, and they’ve only gotten worse since. That Post-Season remains, by an enormous margin, the most egregiously, flagrantly mis-officiated post-season in NFL history, and having watched literally ever post season game in the Super Bowl era, there isn’t another post-season that is *close*, and *ALL* of its favor went to the Steelers. I mean, come the hell on: Matt freaking Hasselback was flagged for unnecessary roughness on a tackle after an interception, for “going low”. ON A FREAKING TACKLE. The fact that Steeler Nation by-and-large refused to acknowledge it was pretty awful. I mean, be glad, by all means that you got the Trophey, but have the decency to be sheepish.

Also, the whole “JEROME GOT HIS RING IN HIS HOME TOWN” was the most overplayed, contrived storyline ever, and the fact that it went to someone as profoundly mediocre as Bettis compounded it. Yes, he’s a nice guy, and by “mediocre” I mean as an NFL starter, which is still better at what he does than 99% of the world is at anything they’ll ever do, but he is, with only the possible (and dubious) exception of Favre, the most over-rated player in the modern era of the NFL, and the fact that he made the Hall of Fame is a pathetic joke. He spent the 2nd half of his career as not even the best running back on his team.

The team used to be Blue Collar, and there was no question of their greatness, but the teams in the 2000s were hollow shells of that glory, but the fans, oh my gosh, the fans. They’ve acted like it’s still their prime, and they haven’t embraced their team– they’ve idealized it. In the 70s, everyone knew the Steelers were jerks and dirty people on the field, but they *LOVED THAT*. They LOVED that they were smash-mouth and scrappy, and even if it spilled over off the field, it was acknowledged and adopted. That extreme nastiness is what made that Mean Joe Greene commercial so damned effective.

Nowadays? The fanbase white-washes the team, glorifies them as … whatever… and refuses to acknowledge flaws. That’s not fandom, that’s a brainwashed horde of sheep in need of a wolf.

I actually despise the Seahawks, and found the reffing in the Bengals + Colts games far more offensive– and up to that point, I kind of liked the Stealers, or was at least indifferent toward them, and appreciated their history.

And yes, for an NFL starter, Bettis was astonishingly mediocre. He had a couple of very good years on some very good teams, but he was rarely a true impact player or difference maker. He was much more the product of his team and their scheme than their scheme and team make-up was a product of his ability.

I love how everyone forgot a week after the game that the Seahawks had one of the worst performances in Super Bowl history in SBXL and had no business ever even being competitive in it. You could write a book about the dumb decisions and bad plays they made in that game, and that’s not why they lost, not because of a couple questionable calls (nevermind that the only objectively bad call was in the 4th quarter right after Hasselbeck threw the game clinching INT right to Ike Taylor when there was no Seahawk within 20 yards of him)

Oh and the overturned Polamalu INT in the Colts game is one of the most egregiously bad calls the NFL ever made, but don’t let me get in the way of your narrative.

As a Giants fan, I want to watch the world burn. I want Eli to have more rings then Peyton because why not? If they lose though, I’m going with whoever wins the QB shit show, Texans vs Raiders. Regardless of what happens, if either team makes it to the Super Bowl and wins, everyone is left stunned. You either get Brock “The Human Giraffe” Osweiler with two rings despite being arguably the worst starting QB this season or you have a rookie who was the back up to the back up winning a ring when they were considered done well before he even got the start because of McGloin’s injury.

My dad’s a Packers fan, my step-dad was a Giant’s fan, I’m a Belichick fan (because I’m too young to have seen Lombardi live, and we might well be witnessing someone even greater, and I’m too much of a fan of history to not appreciate it unfolding before me), and with my Broncos out, my investment is diminished.

The only four teams I absolutely *DO NOT WANT* to win are the Chiefs, the Steelers, the Cowboys, and the Seahawks. I hate the Raiders, but I hate them so much less than the Chiefs these days that I could stomach a Raiders win. Plus, I want the West Coast to do well, and the Chiefs don’t count, and I hate the Seahawks. I want Romo to get a win, just not in Dallas. I want them to cut him, for him to go almost literally anywhere in the AFC, have the year of his career, and then take a steamy, diarrhetic turd on the Cowboys next year. That would be soooooooooooooooo delicious after all the crap he’s eaten from the Cowboys fans the last decade.

I wouldn’t mind a Dolphins/Falcons/Lions/Texans win, but none of them have a real shot, so meh.

No way the Steelers even make the SB. They have to beat the fins, WHO THEY LOST TO, then the Chiefs, and then the Pats, with the latter 2 games on the road in 2 of the most hostile environments in the NFL. My Pats gonna get that Drive for 5 going.

Anything can happen. There was no regular season evidence the 2012 Ravens would do anything special in the playoffs. Chiefs’ worst loss of the season was to the Steelers, so I expect the Steelers would be right in it @KC.

As a Dolphins fan, I’m still hoping for a miracle but I doubt that they can win anyhow. Best case scenario is that Matt Moore plays like he did in that stretch in 2011 when he was second in passer rating only to Rodgers.

Jesus, that Cowboy salt… I didn’t think there could be a franchise Dave hates more than the Pats…
Or maybe he is just concerned that if they win, the smugness will far surpass that of Pats fans.
It’s amazing to me the prevalence of bandwagony Cowboys fans all around this country, it really is America’s (bandwagon) Team.

Also, apparently there’s a protocol that ensures Goodell will NOT be the one to hand the Lombardi to Tom Brady. If Brady were voted SB MVP, he might have to do that…but if the Pats win this year, maybe they’ll wrap it up early enough for people to remember the name of someone on the team besides Brady or Gronk.

I just can’t get on board with the Dolphins since they changed the logo. The old one made something as silly and minor league-sounding as a dolphin wearing a football helmet look professional and awesome. And then they gave it up… for a piece of non-helmet wearing dolphin clip art that you could see anywhere. An even bigger shame than the Patriots, Broncos, and Titans still using the kind of extremely 90’s logos that teams in every other pro sports league backed away from 5-10 years ago.

I can’t stand the Packers. Every time they lose a big game they whine and they cry and they demand that the rules be changed until they get to win. Last year the Packers whined because the ref redid a coin flip that they had already lost anyway, the year before they whined because boo-hoo it’s not fair that the other team gets to win in overtime with a touchdown.

Aaron Rodgers is really underrated as a whiner, and Clay Matthews is a flopping cheap shot artist who would be eviscerated by the media if he didn’t play for the good ol’ boy Packers and look like Thor.

okay son look it’s time someone told you the facts of life. see, any criticism of Aaron Rodgers actually fuels The Chip. you know, the one on his shoulder. any criticism at all! even comments on a silly football webcomic! don’t ask me how. The Chip knows. and it’s the source of his power. it’s how he can somehow throw a perfect rainbow 50 yard touchdown pass to Janice from Accounting or who the fuck ever while being pulled to the ground by his throwing arm. it’s all The Chip.

even pointing it out to you is only feeding The Chip, because now, through The Chip, he will feel that he has to disprove me and throw a perfect rainbow 50 yard touchdown pass to Janice from Accounting or who the fuck ever while being pulled to the ground by his throwing arm without The Chip’s help. not because i’m important or mean anything to him, but because The Chip knew what i said, and registered it as criticism, and he must defeat all criticism.

it’ll happen. watch. he’ll throw a perfect rainbow 50 yard touchdown pass to Janice from Accounting or who the fuck ever while being pulled to the ground by his throwing arm, and then he’ll rip the ball out of Janice from Accounting’s arms and spike it into the ground, and then he’ll go into his tent and sulk while the Packers are on defense, and that’ll be enough for Green Bay to somehow bullshit its way into the NFC title game.

Everything you said is true. Aaron Rodgers is a jerk nasty to friend and foe on and off the field, has abandoned his family for no other reason than being an arrogant jerk, and somehow me typing this will further insure that the 50 yard TD to Janice from Accounting will not only go down as you described, but also involve him breaking two tackles in the backfield. And Green Bay isn’t bullshitting its way into the NFC title game, they’re going to the Super Bowl if they beat New York, and losing only if New England is its opponent.

Alex Smith needs to win because Kaepernick lost in 2012 superbowl, when he was benched for Kaep. And now look at where each of those QBs are. Superbowl success this year would be the final repudiation of every roster and staff decision made by the 49ers from that moment through to today.

I’m saying this as a 49ers fan, mind you. We should have put boring, game-managing, can’t-throw-it-deep Smith back in as soon as his concussion wore off.

As a broncos fan these playoffs are just the worst, two divisional rivals, the team that smacked us around in the SB a few years ago, The brock lobster, the cowboys, and the freaking pats. Rooting for lions/giants/dolphins for the underdog factor.

The day I ever get on a Packers bandwagon is the day I ask the entire state of Minnesota to shoot me in the head. Ditto with the Lions. I’ve got your team’s back in this next round, Dave. If they can beat the Packers, I will gladly jump on board for the rest of their run.

Yeah sorry Dave. As a Bills fan, I still can’t root for the Dolphins. Theoretically, I hate the Pats more, and the Dolphins do have the making of a likeable team and share the Bills’ pain most of the time, but I’m just salty Rex nuked our team and another AFCE rival got in and we still didn’t. #17yearsandcounting

i think the most aggravating thing about the Packers is every year the story is the same with them. they start out crappy, “omg are the Packers dead? all hail the new King in the North!” then Aaron Rodgers gets stoned and tells his radio audience to r-e-l-a-x or says they’ll run the table or whatever, and then *they do*–but thanks in large part to the rest of the division collectively shitting their pants at just the right time to benefit the Packers and only the Packers, and then they win the division basically by default.

Our division sucks. Normally someone else gets in during the playoffs though. I wouldn’t mind seeing both Minnesota and Detroit in the playoffs next year so long as Green Bay earns another division title.

As a Cowboys fan who lives in Portland…I had a a guy throw trash at me from his car when I was walking down the street when I wore my Cowboys coat for the first time in years.

Dude had a Seahawks bumper sticker. The 12’s are getting as bad as Eagles fans. I would never throw shit at anyone and it has been over 20 fucking years since a ring. 20 fucking years. I would not be smug with a win, but I would feel a huge sense of relief. I also wouldn’t throw shit at anyone.

Dude that sucks, fans can be so awful. Seahawks fans don’t even have much reason to hate the Cowboys. If I threw trash at you, it would make sense, because we’d have that brotherly NFCE hate thing going on

If it makes you feel better I had a 49ers fan (When they existed here a few years ago) throw coffee at me once while on my way home.

You could not have described why not to root for Atlanta better in the comic. Thoughout my Fandom it seems whenever something good happens the team finds a Way to Falcon it up. I could list multiple examples but i will leave you with one the 2012 NFCCG Have a large lead then blow it march down for the game winning score feet from the endzone wide open receiver falls down pass incomplete game over. So this year a little voice in my head is so excited but i cant shake the feeling of a bigger voice standing right around the corner with a baseball bat ready to strike.

Sorry Dave, I’m probably rooting for Dallas. My best friend in college was a cowboys fan, and I’d love to see him happy. I also have a massive soft spot for Romo after he was the MVP of two straight fantasy championships for me, so I want him to get a ring somehow. If not the Cowboys, I want 3LI. Few things would be more perfect than Eli riding into the sunset as the greatest villain in Bahstan spahts hasterah.

Honestly though as long as it isn’t Pittsburgh or New England I’ll be happy. Oakland would be awesome because they’re so much fun and I have relatives who went to MSU so Postseason Superhero Connor Cook would be amazing, but that’s not happening.

As soon as the Seahawks get eviscerated by a vengeance seeking Falcons in Atlanta I’ll be switching over to the Giants if they’re still in it. Nothing, nothing, in football could me me laugh harder than Eli retiring with more Super Bowl wins than Peyton.

Man was that a win if I’ve ever seen one. I’m particularly happy about beating the Giants because now Giants fans can stop clowning Green Bay due to always beating us in the playoffs or whatever.

My dream scenario is the Packers winning against Dallas next week (I really like their chances), Seattle losing to Atlanta and a Packers-Falcons NFC Championship. Then Packers can win a SB against whoever. Dare to dream…