Lindy West

Back in October, word went around that schools in California and New Mexico were officially banning Flamin' Hot Cheetos because of their "hyperpalatability" (translation: OM GROM GROMPH OMPH GROM GROMPH). A travesty, I know. When corn turds dipped in chili powder are outlawed, only outlaws will have corn turds dipped in chili powder!!! What's next—will they take our Chili Cheese Fritos!? THANKS, STALIN.

The latest in the War on Flamin' Hot Cheetos drags us even farther down that industrial-grease-slick slope: Pediatricians now claim that this Red Menace is literally burning your children alive from within. If said "doctors" have their way, not only will America's youth not be allowed to enjoy Flamin' Hot Cheetos in their palaces of learning, even their leisure time may soon be bereft of this most American of snacks.

Pediatricians are warning parents of the dangers of extremely spicy snacks – such as Cheetos and other chips – claiming these foods are sending numerous children to the emergency room each year, Medical Daily reported. According to experts, eating too many spicy products can cause significant inflammation of the stomach lining, which can ultimately lead to severe abdominal pain.

"We have a population who loves to eat the hot, spicy, not-real foods, and they come in [to the emergency room] with these real complaints," Dr. Martha Rivera of White Memorial Medical Center in Los Angeles told KABC-TV. "[The kids are being] set up for ulcerations, erosions and… peptic ulcer disease."

But it doesn't stop there, claims the powerful anti-FHC lobby. Flamin' Hot Cheetos are also responsible for something that the medical establishment (probably) refers to as Flamin' Hot Butthole:

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"It burns when it goes down, it burns when it comes out," Dr. Rivera told KABC-TV.