Moscow Wins Gold in Dog Killing

Moscow Wins Gold in Dog Killing- Jana Horn

The Winter Olympics is in full swing and with it comes the introduction of the Games’ newest competition: Dog Killing. Michael Burundukov, or self-titled “Killer Mike,” of Moscow, is the first gold medalist in this year’s competition, killing over 60 dogs in less than 5 minutes.

“I never have more proud in represent my country,” Burundukov said as he accepted the medal. When asked how he accomplished such a feat, he responded simply, “Machete.”

The Russian government offered the Dog Killing competition to citizen “athletes” that were ineligible for the official Olympic Games, providing weapons and other undisclosed incentives to the teams to ensure roads clear of stray dogs for the Ceremonies. The competition is appearing to foster national pride in otherwise politically indifferent Russian commoners, as entire villages are gathering to cheer on their representative athletes. In light of the success of this competition, the Russian government is talking about adding more categories to participate in; Grass Painting and Water De-Yellowing are likely to be announced in the next few days.

Despite the positive effects of the Dog Killing competition, there has been much controversy as well. The Russian public’s main concern has been a question of where these dogs are being disposed of. “Litter is problem,” says Hegla Stein, a local indentured servant. The government is assuring the people not to worry; the streets will remain clean as the dogs are being recycled. There is further speculation that the dogs are being served to the official Olympic athletes, but this remains unconfirmed.