3 - The Elevator Boy

"Known the old man long, sir?" queried the boy as we ascended.

"By reputation," said I.

"Humph!" said the lad. "Can't have a very good opinion of him, then.It's a good thing you are going to have a little personal experiencewith him. He's not a bad lot, after all. Rotten things said of him,but then--you know, eh?"

"Oh, as for that," said I, "I don't think his reputation is sodreadful. To be sure, there have been one or two little indiscretionsconnected with his past, and at times he has seemed a bit vindictivein chucking thunder-bolts at his enemies, but, on the whole, I fancyhe's behaved himself pretty well."

"True," said the boy. "And then you've got to take his bringing-upinto consideration. Things which would be altogether wrong in the sonof a Presbyterian clergyman would not be unbecoming in a descendant ofold Father Time. Jupiter is, after all, a self-made immortal, and thefact that his parents, old Mr. and Mrs. Cronos, let him grow up sortof wild, naturally left its impress on his character."

"Of course," said I, somewhat amused to hear the Thunderer's characteranalyzed by a mere infant. "But how about yourself, my laddie? Are youanybody in particular? You look like a cherub."

"Some folks call me Dan," said the boy, "and I _am_ somebody inparticular. Fact is, sir, if it hadn't been for me there wouldn'thave been anybody in particular anywhere. I'm Cupid, sir, God of Love,favorite son of Venus, at your service."

"And husband of the delectable Psyche?" I cried, recalling certainfacts I had learned. "You look awfully young to be married."

"Hum--well, I was, and I am, but we've separated," the boy replied,with a note of sadness in his voice. "She was a very nice littleperson, that Psyche--one of the best ever, I assure you--but she wastoo much of a butterfly to be the perpetual confidante of a personcharged with such important matters as I am. Besides, she didn't geton with mother."

"Seems to me that I have heard that Madame Venus did not approve ofthe match," I vouchsafed.

"No. She didn't from the start," said Cupid. "Psyche was too pretty,and ma rather wanted to corner all the feminine beauty in our family;but I had my way in the end. I generally do," the little chap added,with a chuckle.

"But the separation, my dear boy?" I put in. "I am awfully sorry tohear of that. I, in common with most mortals, supposed that themarriage was idyllic."

"It was," said Cupid, "and therefore not practical enough to be a goodinvestment. You see, sir, there was a time when the love affairs ofthe universe were intrusted to my care. Lovers everywhere came to meto confide their woes, and I was doing a great business. Everybody waspleased with my way of conducting my department. I seemed to have aspecial genius for managing a love affair. Even persons who wereopposed to the administration conceded that the Under Secretary ofHome Affairs--myself--was assured of a cabinet office for life,whatever party was in power. If Pluto had been able to get elected,the force of public opinion would have kept me in office. Then Imarried, myself, and things changed. Like a dutiful husband, I had nosecrets from my wife. I couldn't have had if I had wanted to. Psyche'scuriosity was a close second to Pandora's, and, if she wanted to knowanything, there was never any peace in the family until she found outall about it. Still, I didn't wish to have any secrets from her. As ascientific expert in Love, I knew that the surest basis of a lastinghappiness lay in mutual confidence. Hence, I told Psyche all I knew,and it got her into trouble right away."

"She--ah--couldn't keep a secret?" I asked.

"At first she could," said Cupid. "That was the cause of the firstrow between her and Venus. Mother got mad as a hatter with her onemorning after breakfast because Psyche _could_ keep a secret. Therewas a little affair on between Jupiter and a certain person whose nameI shall not mention, and I had charge of it. Of course, I told Psycheall about it, and in some way known only to woman she managed toconvey to Venus the notion that she knew all about it, but couldn'ttell, and, still further, wouldn't tell. I'd gone down-town tobusiness, leaving everything peaceful and happy, but when I got backto luncheon--Great Chaos, it was awful! The two ladies were not onspeaking terms, and I had to put on a fur overcoat to keep fromfreezing to death in the atmosphere that had arisen between them. Itwas six inches below zero--and the way those two would sniff and sneerat each other was a caution."

"I quite understand the situation," I said, sympathetically.

"No doubt," said Cupid. "You can also possibly understand how aquarrel between the only two women you ever loved could incapacitateyou for your duties. For ten days after that I was simply incapable ofdirecting the love affairs of the universe properly. Persons I'ddesigned for each other were given to others, and a great deal ofunhappiness resulted. There were nine thousand six hundred andseventy-six divorces as the result of that week's work. It's aterrible situation for a well-meaning chap to have to decide betweenhis wife and his mother."

"Never had it," said I; "but I can imagine it."

"Don't think you can," sighed Cupid. "There are situations in reallife, sir, which surpass the wildest flights of the imagination. Thatis why truth is stranger than fiction. However," he added, his facebrightening, "it was a useful experience to me in my professionalwork. I learned for the first time that when a mother-in-law comes inat the door, intending to remain indefinitely, love flies out at thewindow. Or, as Solomon--I believe it was Solomon. He wrote Proverbs,did he not?"

"Yes," said I. "He and Josh Billings."

"Well," vouchsafed Cupid, "I can't swear as to the authorship of theproverb, but some proverbialist said 'Two is company and three is acrowd.' I'd never known that before, but I learned it then, and beganto stay away from home a little myself, so that we should not becrowded."

I commended the young man for his philosophy.

"Nevertheless, my dear Dan," I added, "you ought to be moreautocratic. Knowing that two is company and three otherwise, you havebeen guilty of allowing many a young couple who have trusted in you tobegin house-keeping with an inevitable third person. We see it everyday among the mortals."

"What has been good enough for me, sir," the boy returned, with acomical assumption of sternness--he looked so like a fat baby of threejust ready for his bath--"is good enough for mortals. When I marriedPsyche, I brought her home to my mother's house, and for some nineteenthousand years we lived together. If Love can stand it, mortals must."

"Excuse me," said I, apologetically. "I have not suffered. However, inall my study of you mythologians, it has never occurred to me beforethis that Venus was the goddess of the mother-in-law."

"You mustn't blame me for that," said Cupid, dryly. "I'm the god ofLove; wisdom is out of my province. For what you don't know andhaven't learned you must blame Pallas, who is our Superintendent ofPublic Instruction. She knows it all--and she got it darned easy, too.She sprang forth from the head of Jove with a Ph.D. already conferredupon her. She looks after the education of the world. I don't--butI'll wager you anything you please to put up that man gains more realexperience under my management than he does from Athena's department,useful as her work is."

I could not but admit the truth of all that the boy said, and ofcourse I told him so. To change the subject, which, if pursued, mightlead to an exposure of my own ignorance, I said:

"But, Dan, what interests me most, and pains me most as well, is tohear that you are separated from Psyche. I do not wish to seeminquisitive on the subject of a--ah--of a man's family affairs"--Ihesitated in my speech because he seemed such a baby and it wasdifficult to take him seriously, as is always the way with Love,unless we are directly involved--"but you have told me of theseparation, and as a man, a newspaper-man, I am interested. Couldn'tyou reconcile your mother, Madame Venus, to Psyche--or, rather, Mrs.Dan?"

[Illustration: "'THE GODDESS OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW'"]

"Not for a moment," replied the boy. "Not for a millionth part of atenth of a quarter of a second by a stop-watch. Their irreconcilabilitywas copper-fastened, and I found myself compelled to choose betweenthem. My mother developed a gray hair the day after the first trouble,and my wife began to go out to afternoon teas and sewing-circles anddances. The teas and dances were all right. You can't talk at either.But the sewing-circle was ruin. At this particular time the circle wasengaged in making winter garments for the children of the mother ofthe Gracchi. I presume that as a student and as a father you realizeall that this meant. You also know that a sewing-circle needs fourthings: first, an object; second, a needle and thread; third, agarment; fourth, a subject for conversation. These things areconstitutionally required, and Psyche joined what she called 'TheImmortal Dorcas.' The result was that all Olympus and half of Hadeswere shortly acquainted with the confidential workings of mydepartment--all told under the inviolate bond of secrecy, however,which requires that each member confided in shall not communicate whatshe has heard to more--or to less--than ten people."

"I know," said I. "The Dorcas habit has followers among my ownpeople."

"But see where it placed me!" cried the little creature. "There wasme, or I--I don't know whether Greek or English is preferable toyou--charged with the love affairs of the universe. Confiding all Iknew, like a dutiful husband, to my wife, and having her letting itall out to the public through the society. Why, my dear fellow, itwasn't long before the immortals began to accuse me of being in thepay of the Sunday newspapers, and you must know as well as anybodyelse that Love has nothing to do with them. Even the affairs of mysovereign began to creep out, and innuendoes connecting Jupiter withpeople prominent in society were printed in the opposition organs."

"Poor chap!" said I, sympathetically. "I did not realize that you hadto contend against the Sunday-newspaper nuisance as we mortals have."

"We have," he said, quickly, almost resignedly; "and they are ruiningeven Olympus itself. Still, I made a stand. Told Psyche she talked toomuch, and from that time on confided in her no more."

"And how did she take it?" I asked.

"She declined to take it at all," said Cupid, with a sigh. "Shedemanded that I should tell her everything on penalty of losingher--and I lost her. She left me a little over a thousand years ago,and my mother for the same reason sent me adrift fifteen hundred ormore years ago. That is why I am eking out a living running anelevator," he added, sadly. "Still, I'm happy here. I go up when Ifeel sad, and go down when I feel glad. On the whole, I am as happy asany of the gods."

"However, Dan," I cried, sympathetically, slapping him on the back,"you have your official position, and that will keep you in--ah--well,you don't seem to need 'em, but it would keep you in clothes if youcould be persuaded to wear them."

"No," said the little elevator boy, sadly. "I don't want 'em in thisclimate--nor are they necessary in any other. All over the world, mydear fellow, _true_ love is ever warm."

There was a decided interval. I felt sorry for the little lad who hadbeen a god and who had become an elevator boy, so I said to him:

"Never mind, Danny, you are sure of your office always."

"I wish it were so," said he, sadly. "But really, sir, it isn't. Youmay think that love rules all things nowadays, but that is a fallacy.Of late years a rival concern has sprung up. I have found my officesubjected to a most annoying competition which has attracted away fromme a large number of my closest followers. In the days when weacknowledged ourselves to be purely heathen, love was regarded withrespect, but now all that is changed. Opposite my office in thegovernment building there is a matrimonial corporation doing a verylarge business, by which the fees of my position are greatly reduced.Possibly after you have had your audience with Jove to-morrow you willtake a turn about the city, in which event you will see this trust'sbig brazen sign. You can't miss it if you walk along Mercury Avenue.It reads:

"I don't need your sympathy," said the boy, quickly, drawing himselfup proudly. "It can't last, this competition. Man and god kind willsoon see the difference in the permanence of our respective output.This is only a temporary success they are having, and it often happensthat the spurious articles put forth by Mammon & Company are broughtover to me to be repaired. My sun will dawn again. You can't put outthe fires in my furnaces as long as men and women are made from theold receipt."

Here the elevator stopped, and a rather attractive young womanappeared at the door.

"Here is where you get out, sir," said the elevator boy.

"You are Mr.----" began the girl.

"I am," I replied.

"I have orders to show you to number 609," she said. "The proprietorwill see you to-morrow at eleven."

"Thank you very much," I replied, somewhat overcome by the cordialityof my reception. It is not often that mere beggars are so hospitablyreceived.

"Oh, I guess we will," he replied, with a wink at the maid. "Igenerally do meet most men two or three times in their lives. So _aurevoir_ to you. Treat the gentleman well, Hebe," he concluded, pullingthe rope to send the elevator back. "He doesn't know much, but he issympathetic."

"I will, Danny, for your sake," said the little maid, archly.

The boy laughed and the car faded from sight. Hebe, even more lovelythan has been claimed, with a charmingly demure glance at my costume,which was wofully bedraggled and wet, said:

"This way, sir. I will have your luggage sent to your room at once."

"But I haven't any luggage, my dear," said I. "I have only what is onmy back."

"Ah, but you have," she replied, sweetly. "The proprietor has attendedto that. There are five trunks, a hat-box, and a Gladstone bag alreadyon their way up."

And with this she showed me into a magnificent apartment, and, evenas she had said, within five minutes my luggage arrived, a valetappeared, unpacked the trunks and bag, brushed off the hat that hadlain in the hat-box, and vanished, leaving me to my own reflections.

Surely Olympus was a great place, where one who appeared in the guiseof a beggar was treated like a regiment of prodigal sons, furnishedwith a gorgeous apartment, and supplied with a wardrobe that wouldhave aroused the envy of a reigning sovereign.