December 29, 2010

I don’t know who really reads this anymore, or if anyone does. It does not matter much, as it’s more for my release than anything else.

Cynicism –

1) An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others

2) A scornfully or jadedly negative comment or act

What an interesting word and definition. They should include my picture with this definition becuase I have noticed over the past few years I have become more and more jaded in my view and attitude. I just don’t care anymore and I am tired. I am not happy, I am not content, I am not satisfied, I am not disapointed in everything, I am annoyed and I just don’t want to put forth the effort to try to appear happy to the world anymore.

I am not depressed… it’s not just my life that sucks, it’s the world. I am not happy with the way things are changing or going on around me and I don’t see the point in putting in all this effort and continually feeling like I am being pushed back down.

I am not sucidal I just need to make some major life changes. So I am processing an internal debate on the following items:

1) If love isn’t enough, then why do we need it?

2) I can’t find love and happiness together so which one do I choose? Which one is more vaulable?

3) I am going back to school, to progress in my job. Currently I am not happy with my job, will this help (other than for me to leave)?

4) Do I get my degree and then leave my job or do I leave my job to complete my degree?

Maybe I just hate the holidays now. After loosing so many special people at the holiday times, they just aren’t the same anymore.