Steve: Slimes are like gross puzzles where you have to figure out which slime you're fighting and what it's immune to before you get killed.

Zack: Oh no not a nearly-immobile goo puddle. How terrifying.

Steve: Go ahead and scoff, dude. Take note of the Mustard Jelly's intelligence. Average. It's a thinking slime as smart as a person. This thing could work a desk job.

Zack: Well this company does reward failure.

Steve: It's not gonna fail at eating your bones! It's gonna devise some scheme and trick you and kill you when you least suspect it.

Zack: I would say 23 hours out of the day I am not expecting to be killed by a slime so it has a pretty wide window.

Steve: I'm just saying combine the grossest monster with deadly cunning and you have a real recipe for horror.

Zack: Now you've got me thinking about what sorts of schemes a slime would cook up to kill somebody. The obvious one is creep up next to their bed while they're asleep and wait for them to get out of bed, but if these guys are as smart as you say then they could pull one of those "you just won a TV, come and get it" stings that cops pull on people with warrants.

League of Legends has 600 characters and 11,000 skills. These are the only ones you need.

About This Column

Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.