Two And A Half Men - season 2 episode 1 (Back Off Mary Poppins)

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The snap, the kick is up,and it is good! It is good! - Man. - Okay, well, that's the game. Dad, can I have my allowance? Sure. Here. Thanks. Here. Pleasure doing business with you. You're taking my son's allowanceon a football bet? Hey, when he wins, I pay off. You know, minus the vig. Minus the vig. You're charging him forthe privilege of making a bet? That's what the vig is, Dad. Face it. He's not gonna learnthis stuff in school. I don't care. Give him his allowance back. Fine. You get no allowance. That's your punishment for gambling. - Told you he'd do that. - Yeah, you did. Pleasure doing business with you. Hey, listen. After you drop him off at hismom's house tonight, do me a favor? - Just make yourself scarce, okay? - What's her name? Or is it too early to ask? It's not a girl. I'm just having friends over. Oh, poker? Oh, can I play? - I'm better than I used to be. - It's not poker. Wait. A flush beats a straight......and a full boat beats a flush, right? - Right... A full house and a full boatare the same......so I won't say"full houseboat" anymore. - It's not poker, Alan. - Then what's going on? I'm just having somefriends over to smoke cigars......sample some fine single-malt Scotchand, you know, talk. I enjoy all those things. Well, Scotch makes me a little gassy. But I'll take a Beanoand I'm good to go. That's nice, but I don't thinkyou'd be comfortable. - Why not? - Because we talk about personal things. - You mean like a support group? - No, no, no. It's not a support group. It's just guys who get togetherto talk about their lives. - That's a support group. - No, it's not. Okay, it's not. It's not. Got it. So why can't I come? Because these men are my friends. There's a level of trustand confidentiality. - I'm your friend. - No, you're my brother. Wait a minute. You don't consider me a friend? It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose. A brother is someone you get. - Excuse me? - There's no choice involved. Your dad just wakes you upin the night and says:"Your mom wasn't really fatand this isn't your room anymore." So all these years,I've just been an intruder to you? An inconvenience? A burden? Well, sure. You can spin it that way. You know, I had no ideayou felt this way. I am very, very hurt. Okay. But you'll stillmake yourself scarce, right? - Bye, Uncle Charlie. - See you, buddy. - Oh, he's your buddy? - Alan, don't start. How is he your buddy? You didn't choose him. - I chose to let him stay here. - You chose to let me stay here too. No. I chose him, I got you. You know, there are timesI just loathe you. And yet you're surprisedI don't consider you a friend. Okay, have your real friendsto your little "support group." - It is not...- It is a support group! It's a support group for weak,rudderless men. And I wouldn't be a part of itif you begged me. Okay, bye. Dad, check this out. You can pick your friends......you can pick your nose,but you can't pick your friend's nose. - You know who told me that? - I can guess. Uncle Charlie. And you knowwhy it's funny? Because it's true. Yeah, yeah. Have a nice week, Jake. Bye, Dad. Hi, Mom. Can I have my allowance? I missed you too, sweetie. - Thanks for dropping him by. - Judith, hold on. Do you consider us friends? I consider you my ex-husband. I know.