Thursday, June 29, 2017

A world leader is like a pastry. They both require a precise combination of ingredients and alchemy in order to rise. To prove it, here are the dessert doppelgängers of 12 heads of state.

1. Emmanuel Macron = MacaronNuanced, petite and sophisticated, the Macaron is distinctly French but not nativist. Sandwiched between the left and right, its smooth, refined filling appeals to both sides, while its bold color differentiates it from the more predictable pastry pack.

2. Theresa May = Pound Cake

In a referendum on national desserts, the British Pound has proclaimed itself an autonomous cake with just four home-grown ingredients: flour, butter, eggs and sugar and refuses to be served on the same menu as EU confections like theMacaron.

3. Bashar el-Assad = Devil's Food Cake

With its intense cacao overtones, this authoritative cake contains more unsweetened chocolate than other chocolate cakes, making it stronger and darker. It requires extra baking soda, raising the pH level for a chemical offensive that ensures death by chocolate.

4. Angela Merkel = Angel Food Cake

By welcoming all varieties and flavors, from strawberries and whipped cream to blueberries and blackberries, this time-tested Angel is providing lightness to the dessert world as darker, more commanding cakes assert their authority.

5. Vladimir Putin = Red Velvet Cake

Similar to the Devil’s Food Cake, this rich, potent cake appears red, even though it’s really dark and chocolatey under its smooth white frosting. Secret agents like Red Dye #40 have been known to elicit a red scare and cause death by red chocolate.

6. Donald Trump = Hostess Ding Dong“I’m the most beautiful chocolate cake you’ve ever seen,” it will tell you. “I’m YUGE!” Yet those with discerning taste find this tiny, mass-produced concoction distasteful and full of toxic fluff. Some even suspect that its white filling is really Red Velvet Cake frosting.

7.Enrique Peña Nieto =Brownie Sadly, the Brownie does not enjoy the same prestige as more authoritative chocolate desserts. When even a Ding Dong claims superiority, the Brownie knows deep inside its dark fudgy interior that if it were a Blondie, it would get more sugar.

8. Justin Trudeau = Maple Pecan Sticky Bun

Sure, this droolworthy favorite is a hit with the ladies, but even men can’t resist that hot Canadian maple syrup oozing sweet, gooey goodness. You’d be hard-pressed to find an eater alive who isn’t ready to fork those shiny nuts.

9. Benjamin Netanyahu = Ice Cream Cake

While ice cream and cake are independently divine, when served in the same confection, they are rife for conflict. Once the ice cream melts into cake territory, the Ice Cream Cake gets stirred up, and clear boundaries with a two-dessert solution is needed.

10. Kim Jong-un =Bomb PopWhile this icy, anti-pastry popsicle projects an appearance of power, its long-range capabilities are questionable since it has proven to melt upon take-off. Regardless, this is one sickle that the Communist’s pop would have agreed is the bomb.

11. Xi Jinping =Fortune CookieIn a new era of prosperity, this cookie’s fortunes are on the rise. While appearing easy to crack to the West, it’s really a tough cookie in a position of power with a foreboding message: Play nice or beware of Bomb Pop.

12. Rodrigo Duterte = Donut HoleWhen the Donut Hole called the beloved Black And White Cookie a “son of a whore,” it could’ve been mistaken for a Ho Ho or Ding Dong. This d-hole is so dirty, it proves certain anatomical parts of a pastry should be relegated to their own deep fryer.If you liked this post, check out my Trump at the TableeCookbook.