DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently watched a comedy
that featured men cross-dressing. Ever since, I have had a
burning desire to have my husband wear sexy lingerie and
makeup.

There is nothing effeminate about him, but I can't get
this out of my head. I bought him a lacy bra and panty set,
garter belt and stockings, but I haven't had the nerve to
ask him to wear them. Am I crazy?

Should I try to forget this? óBURNING DESIRE IN NAHANT,
MASS.

DEAR BURNING: Human sexuality is complicated. There are
many women who help their husbands cross-dress, however it
is my understanding that the initiator is usually the man. I
don't think you are crazy, nor do I think you should
"forget" something that you describe as a "burning desire."

What I do think you should do is have a frank discussion
with your husband and find out how open-minded he is on the
subject. óAnnie

Hi Burning: What a
great letter. It will be of interest and value to many
readers. Iím excited for you. Your inquiry suggests
that you are ready to take your relationship to the next
level, from talking to communicating. To manifest your intention
you'll be entering a realm in which all that you know about
sex wonít apply any more, one in which the entire experience of
interacting becomes experiential intercourseóno beginnings,
no ends.

"Communicating" refers to a communication model, a
way of interacting (verbally, non verbally, physically, and
psychically) in which
both parties agree to communicate openly, honestly, and
spontaneously, zero
withholds. Most importantly, itís about communicating from your experience instead of from your mind.
Presently there's fear in the space between you and your
husband, else you wouldn't have written; also, a woman who is
whole and complete, one who is in-integrity, would have
asked each parent for support first.

Talking, which is what you and your
husband have mastered, has a different set of agreements;
specifically, there's an implied agreement to withhold
thoughts of choice from each other. It's called withholding.
Withholding serves as
a barrier to the experience of communication. It's
impossible for just one partner to have withholds from the
other; both have an equal number of thoughts they are
withholding from each other (yes, equal).

The following thoughts will facilitate the transition:

Iím concerned about your comment, ".
. . but I haven't had the
nerve to ask him." There is a communication process for
individuals, and another for couples, that will support you in identifying the source of, and
disappear, your fear. Your fear consists of many considerations; underneath
them is the truth. Considerations are thoughts, both
conscious and unconscious, that serve as barriers to
manifesting ones stated intentions.

Be assured these are wonderful fun-type
conversations, typical and normal.

Hereís some possible considerations:

Even the thought of
thinking about talking about the subject triggers anxiety.
This fear probably began during childhood, after an
interaction with another, perhaps trying to talk with a
parent about sex. It runs you to this very day.

Your concern
about what he might think about you is another
consideration.

You might have vestiges of
Victorian-like values and so there could be shame, etc.
associated with the thought.

Another consideration might be
that several years ago he jokingly revealed a bias about
something associated with such things and your mind has
stored that subtle communication in the back of your
mind.

Yet another consideration might be embarrassment,
yours and that which you think he might experience.

Another
could be that you have an unconscious fear of where it
might lead to, for both you and him.

And, of course the
biggie, what if he not only says no but with self-righteous,
indignant
condescension.

Each of these
considerations, and dozens more that we havenít covered
(most of which are hidden under other, as yet to be
verbalized, thoughts), serve as barriers to open, honest, and
spontaneous communication. In the communication mastery
curriculum your ongoing task is to empty your mind of all
considerations so that you won't have any automatic
reactions. Itís called completing the incompletes.
Eventually, topics of
sex will be as easy and comfortable to discuss as
meal preferences. Once you have formulated the intention to
share all your considerations the truth of what your fear
is about will appear.

"Incompletes" refer
to mostly childhood interactions that were not mutually
satisfying.

Although you are always the leader in
your relationship, which includes surrendering when
appropriate, in this matter you are the guide.

BTW: He has
exactly the same number of considerations. In truth, all
weíre talking about is cloth and giving and receiving
pleasure.

The next "level" (a.k.a. the communication
mastery curriculum) has to do with enrolling another(s) in
supporting your projects. This requires that you are clear
about your intentions. For example: If you ask and he says no it would reveal that you unconsciously intended
for him to say no. It would also reveal that you were
unconscious when you asked him, that no matter what you
believed you had no intention for him to say yes. This
brings us to the subject of asking.

For you to ask anyone
for anything you must first have in your mind that it be
your idea that they say yes or no. In this
way you create space for them to choose rather than
reluctantly give in to any unconscious manipulative/pressure. Many men blow it big
time with their partner when they manipulate them into group
sex or three-somes. This is partly because they have yet to
master communication. They donít know how to create space
for it to be their partnerís idea, if ever. Also, they might know
intuitively that the wife would say no if truly asked. Consequently, the
partner goes along with it but with non-verbalized
considerations and, unconsciously makes sure that
it doesnít work. In this instance, the husband was not
open and honest during dating about expectations, and would
therefore later reap the karma of deceit.

For you to manifest ". . . lingerie .
. ." you
first have to be totally willing to let go of your "desire"
FOREVER. If you pretend to ask, if there's even a hint of disappointment or
make-wrong, he'll know he has no choice.
In fact, I'd return the lingerie before you ask so as not to
create psychic pressure; it might communicate that you knew
he could be conned. Once you've handled
your considerations you must be willing
to "get" (to be with) all of his, with no laughing or expressions of
disappointment or shock.
You must be safe space for him to share his truths.

I recommend that you do The Clearing Process
first, then
invite him to do
The Clearing Process For Couples.*
It will reveal many
thoughts you both have been hiding from each otheróit will
result in a squeaky-clean relationship and intercourse like
never before.

BTW: Topics that are deal-breakers MUST be covered during
the engagement period. Both need to reveal their fantasies
so as to find out if they are mutually supportable. Often a
man hides (withholds) his fantasies during the engagement
period believing he can later talk (con) his
wife into swapping, or bowling, whatever; withholding thoughts
results in
communication breakdowns which are the
beginning of the end of the
growth and expansion in the relationship. The fear of
telling the truth always takes its toll.

óGabby

*

The Clearing Process
óincludes a clearing process for couples. It's best that
you
start with five clearings, one per day for five days in a
row, before you mention the topic or before you invite him
to do the Couple's Process with you. If you're intent on
mastering communication then complete all four free processes at
The Clearing House before asking.