Here's how I might sell myself: I'm squeezably soft, but built to
last. I'm only 56/100ths percent pure, but I'm mm mm good. You'll
melt in my mouth and in my hands. (C'mon, you know you couldn't
resist that one, either, if you were trying the slogan thing). You
don't have to ask, "Does she... or doesn't she?" because I am
perfectly willing to reach out and touch someone. (Sorry -- too
much Mad Men, I suppose).

More short, snappy statements: I know what MST3K stands for (for
"awesomeness" of course), wish I could have the babies of Mr. Show
and its alumni, felt the conclusion of Breaking Bad was a bit of an
anti-climax, know the proper response to a shout of "Henderson!",
and can't imagine I am the only one who thought Enterprise was a
pretty good show no matter what everyone else said.

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EDITED TO ADD... 10-11-2014
Skip this to get back to the main feature.

I'd like to clarify at the outset what I'm about. Sure, I still
want to be the 21st century's answer to Mae West, but maybe I could
be more specific.

Sex is an important part of my life. I like it. It's fun. I want to
have it with people, but not just any ol' random people.

It's easy to get laid, but it's not so easy to find someone to
spend time with.

I want to enjoy people's company. For me, this means, possibly,
going on what used to be called a date -- like, let's eat something
together in public. I haven't been to a movie in ages. You don't
have to impress me or think of anything particularly original to
do.

I like the possibility of romance. I like how it feels when my
heart sings. Don't you? I do not believe that dating and
mindblowing sex are mutually exclusive.

I tend to overshare anyway, so evidently there's not a whole lot I
consider private.

But in the interest of full disclosure, and in the hope of avoiding
a weird and embarrassing chat, I'm going to state here something
that's private but should be known if you're interested in
dating/having sex with me: I have herpes. I got it the first time I
had sex, when I was 17. I haven't ever given it to anyone (to my
knowledge), and I had unprotected sex with my ex-husband for more
than 18 years. I very rarely have outbreaks, as is common for
people who have had it for such a long time, and in fact, I can't
even remember when the last one was... it's been well over four
years, now (at October 2014 update).

At the same time, I am scrupulous in monitoring myself for
symptoms. If there is any tiny little thing amiss "down there,"
whether or not it's a possible outbreak, I won't have sex. If
things start to pinch or rub me "down there," I will stop right
then, simply to be extra certain sure I don't transmit anything.
Herpes is, according to information I've read, more difficult to
spread from female to female, so F-to-F transmission is rare.
Nonetheless, I play it very very safe and am happy to engage in
alternatives to genital-to-genital contact if my partner
prefers.

I believe that sex with me is no more or less risky than with the
average person, and may in fact be safer given the fact that I am
hypervigilant and given the fact that statistically speaking, there
are a lot of people out there who have it and don't know it, or
have it and will not disclose that information to a sexual partner
(I have personally met three such people).

Bottom line, though: there is no 100 percent guarantee against
transmission aside from abstaining.