7 Tips for Marriage

Applying classic parenting wisdom to marriage.

Eventually, our kids are going to leave. They’ll create their own homes, their own lives, leaving us alone with our spouse. And this can be a wonderful opportunity or, God forbid, a disaster. It depends on the prep work we did in advance.

Did we ignore our spouse to tend to our children or did we recognize that our relationship with our marital partner is the most important relationship we have? Marriage is a relationship that is eternal – in this world and even in the next. But it requires constant nurturing and nourishment, just like our children. In fact if we examine some of the classic parenting tips, we may discover that a lot of it can be applied to our marriages.

Let’s look at some of the wisdom we bring to parenting that we may overlook when it comes to our spouses.

1. Give them time – quality AND quantity – on a regular basis. We can’t wait for vacations and we certainly can’t wait for your children to grow up (especially in today’s world where that seems to take longer than ever!). We need to carve out some private time daily. It’s healthy for our kids – for them to see us make your marriage a priority and for them to feel that the world does not always revolve around them (at least try to pretend it doesn’t).

2. Listen carefully and attentively. If we are at work when they call, we should try to drop everything and give our spouse focused attention. If our children call, we are almost always available to them. If our grandchildren call or want to Skype, then we are definitely available. But if it’s our wife or our husband, how many times do we ask our secretary to tell them we’re busy and to please take a message? What business deal could possibly take priority over our marriage?

3. Don’t bear a grudge, don’t take revenge; forgive and let it go. Our children make plenty of mistakes yet it is completely unthinkable that we would keep score, bear a grudge. And however much they hurt us, we couldn’t even begin to contemplate “getting them back.” All we want is their love and their good. The same should be true for our husbands and wives.

We have a mitzvah to judge other human beings on the side of merit, to assume a favorable explanation for seemingly negative behavior. This comes naturally and easily to us with respect to our children. “They’re tired.” “They’re not feeling well.” “Someone hurt their feelings first.” Don’t our spouses also deserve the benefit of the doubt? Couldn’t they also be tired, under the weather or being picked on by their boss?

Forgive and move on. Holding on to anger and resentments hurts us both and accomplishes nothing. Our marriage is too precious to dwell on past misdeeds.

4. Give them emotional affirmation. Look for opportunities to praise them. Yes, even adults need praise and affection. Tell them you love them at least once a day. For some people that may come easy but others I know have been married for years without regular expressions of caring. Don’t make assumptions that your husband or wife “knows” you love them. Just like we regularly tell our children how much we love them, we need to do the same in our marriages.

Be interested in their lives. What are their hopes and dreams? Support their goals and aspirations. Be involved in their interests (at least ask about them) even if they don’t dovetail with yours. I was once organizing a social outing for women whose husbands all worked for the same company. One woman refused to come, “That’s his thing not mine,” she said. I was stunned. Yes, it’s his job but since he spends probably more time at it than he does with her, isn’t she a little interested in what goes on?

5. Apologize when wrong. Insisting on being right or never apologizing is the position of weakness and cowardice. The position of confidence, strength and caring is to say “I’m sorry” and say it first. If you can’t quite bring yourself to do that (yet!), you can try this gentler approach, “Are we friends again?”

6. Appreciate your spouse’s uniqueness. His/her differences from us aren’t wrong; they are opportunities for us to learn and grow and deepen our compassion. Areas of difference frequently lead to tension. If we can appreciate the differences, they can be a source of pleasure and excitement instead.

7. Avoid narcissism. Our spouses are not here to meet our needs and fulfill our dreams. Parents who use children to fulfill their own goals destroy their children and are still left unsatisfied. Marriage, like parenting, is not about getting. It is about giving and giving and giving. Our goal is to just give to him or her, just support him or her, just love him or her. Being married demands digging deep to give even when you’re tired, when you don’t feel like it, when you think “why don’t they just do it themselves?!” That’s what makes the giving meaningful.

We are so kind and compassionate and wise when it comes to our children. We take class after class, follow new theory after new theory in an effort to get it right. And then we are too tired to work on our marriages. We take them for granted, we can’t be bothered. And yet, our children will leave (barely looking back!) and we will be left, hopefully for many years, with this one relationship above all others.

If we nourish it while we are parenting, we will be able to reap all the benefits. I don’t want to even contemplate what will happen if we don’t.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 16

(15)
Yuri,
January 1, 2014 3:43 PM

the misery of marriage

Yes, sometimes marriage is a HORRIBLE, MISERABLE experience no matter what you do. There are crazy people out there and especially in all Jewish communities and sometimes it is very hard to spot them. Before you get married, learn about all the major psychological problems that exist in humans and learn to spot signs of these disorders before you find a partner.

(14)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2013 4:07 PM

need help with an issue

Dear Emunah,My husband of 8 yrs just told me hes an atheist. We have 2 young kinds with one on the way. Needless to say im totally crushed. I don't know if this is sustainable or what I should do? We love each other and I would hate to get divorced especially for the kids sake. Can this marriage work? Is it better to "give in" for the sake of the marriage? How can we both get what we need and honor each others truths? thank you

(13)
Gavin-Chaim Ephraim,
June 8, 2013 6:27 PM

Relationship with Hashem

I feel many of these comments on marriage can apply to our relationship to Hashem.We can give Him more time,listen attentively and apologize when wrong;to mention a few

(12)
Anonymous,
June 7, 2013 3:59 PM

YES!!!!

thank you, Emuna, for being so on the mark. some of our children have left home, we are still parenting some at home, and some grandchildren live nearby (Thank G-d) as well as giving LOTS of time to my nearby elderly in-laws. thanks for summing up these great encouraging ideas.

(11)
eugene,
June 7, 2013 2:43 PM

Good times

Dear Emuna, Your article is excellent and very true. I would like to tell you about children that you say "will eventually leave, barely looking back". My wife and I have given our children "EVERYTHING" that life could offer them growing up in this society. Yet, we watched closely how they grew, had good morals, and made sure they were not spoiled, helped their friends, family, community, were respectful, and loved their God. When they left our home and got married, we made sure they would be comfortable, but also understanding that there were no free lunches. Then as time went by, we noticed that we only heard from them when there were problems, or they were disagreeing with each other, or needed something, whether time, money (which they always re-payed) or just advice. Then one day I said to my wife, "why are we constantly changing our schedules to fit their needs when they do not make an effort to help us when we need them". So I finally got all of them together, including in-law children and mentioned to them "Why is it that we only hear from you during the "bad" times, but we never hear from you when you are having a good time"? They all just stared at each other and said "we don't need you then". "EXACTLY". I explained to them that Mom and I are very busy with our home, family including grandchildren, work, friends, social life and our congregation. We continue to "LIVE" just as before while trying to help everyone who may come down the road looking for assistance. So please, try to work on your problems together and come to your own solutions together, and just maybe sometime, when you are having a good time, will remember us and give us a call. Mom and I need some spare time to ourselves to love one another as we did forty years ago before you all came around. But try to discern what may be so important that you both cannot resolve together. Then call us. Sincerely, Not perplexed anymore.

(10)
Ronald,
June 7, 2013 12:52 PM

How Could I Have Missed the Obvious?

I could have used this advice a marriage ago. Sane, sensible, balanced - entirely unlike my marriage management skills. Ah well, better late than never! My next wife thanks you.

(9)
Yehudit,
June 7, 2013 9:25 AM

Investment

Great parallel!! And how many of us spend years and small fortunes on books, classes and lectures, not to mention conversations- on parenthood- but don't do the same for marital instruction.... Sadly, we spend the fortunes on marital therapy or g-d forbid, divorce, after the sad fact.....

(8)
Susan Barth,
June 7, 2013 7:07 AM

Must read article

This article states in the most succinct fashion the best guidance a couple could have for having a real partnership and marriage. The analogy to parenting is perfect for couples to visualize what priorities are important for a thriving marriage. Thank you Emuna for this thoughtful and magnificent article.

(7)
Rochie K.,
June 7, 2013 3:07 AM

Great article with practical strategies

I would like to add that by continuously nourishing our spousal relationships and showing love and respect towards one another, the benefits reach beyond the couple. We will actually be giving our children an invaluable gift when they leave the home to begin their own marriages: the model of a loving shalom bayis. As the saying goes ( & how true it is), " The greatest gift you can give to your children is to love your spouse."

(6)
Jessica,
June 6, 2013 8:26 PM

so obvious and yet so difficult to do

I'm a therapist and will be an empty nester this fall. My husband and I can't wait. We have so much fun and cherish so much any time we have together that we are really looking forward to this. We share lots of interests and enjoy each other's company immensely. I have found it amazing how many of the people I know both socially and professionally have neglected their marriages and found themselves lost when the kids leave, many adopting dogs or other pets with the annoying consequence that if before they only talked about their kids, now they only talk about their pets which is especially aggravating when it goes on and on. There are many we now avoid since we can only take so much about Fido's tricks, bathroom habits, etc.

Missy,
June 7, 2013 8:01 AM

my husband and i used to love spending time together but of late his job comes first. he got a promotion and often asks me if i would like it if he leaves his job whenever i insist we do staff together because i hardly see him. i feel he does not care anymore and we are less than two years into this. i do not want to imagine what will happen if this goes on.Jess, you are a therapist..please advise.

(5)
mark schiff,
June 6, 2013 6:05 PM

Excellent article on the most important relationship.

Emuna hit the nail on the head with this one.

(4)
Indian,
June 6, 2013 5:49 PM

Great

We Indians value a lot for marriage institution and your advice would go a long way and ensuring that we all become better companions.Regards

(3)
Steve David,
June 6, 2013 5:34 PM

Required Reading

This excellent article should be required reading for every married couple. Bravo!

(2)
Robin Rosenblatt,
June 6, 2013 5:18 PM

Respect

I think giving Respect to each other is the most important thing.

(1)
Dina,
June 4, 2013 5:49 PM

excellent article

"What will happen if we don't " is two complete strangers. I've heard women say that they didn't realize all the years that their only connection was talking about the children. So they always had a lot to talk about- problems, school marks, teachers, doctors, etc. And then one day they realize that have nothing to talk about, two strangers, don't even know each other. So your article is such good advice. Every couple has to work now to make sure every day that they can spend time talking about themselves, and not the children or the gas bills, etc.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!