Taylor Swift’s Kennedy Three-Way … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Star

Taylor Swift’s Teen-Boy Love Triangle: “Taylor’s insinuating herself into the Kennedy clan has taken a twisted turn.” After taking on Jackie O’s “prim-‘n’-proper New England-chic, pearls-with-pleated-skirts” style and settling in at the Hyannis Port Kennedy Compound, “she’s adding another Kennedy notch to her belt. Taylor was caught making out with Patrick Schwarzenegger — Conor’s cousin — at a family event!” Swift would NEVER. “Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day she was all over Conor — so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights!” Les Cousins Dangereux! “That sounds like risky business for the singer, who’s been known to write songs about the two-timing men who’ve hurt her in the past.” Turnabout is fair play? “Conor and Patrick have always been competitive” and Taylor loves feeling desired. But the older members of the clan do not want theatrics. “As far as the Kennedys are concerned, Taylor is trash. Conor says he’s in love with her, but all she’s done is cause drama.” I guess another notch on her belt is all they’ll ever be.

Modern Family Actresses End Feud: “Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen have finally settled their long-simmering feud. But in typical mean girl fashion, the Modern Family stars have now ganged up on grumpy costar Ed O’Neill!” LEAVE AL BUNDY ALONE! “Sofia and Julia cleared the air after years of sniping. Sofia would criticize Julie’s body or pretend not to know her name, dismissively calling her ‘Julie Roland.’ But Julie wasn’t much better; she complained that Sofia acted like she ran the show and was a gold digger, calling her ‘Chola Barbie.'” But after Vergara’s engagement to Nick Loeb fell through the first time, they had lunch and bonded. “They had a tearful heart-to-heart and apologized. Julie told Sofia that as strong, successful women, they needed to bond.” They bonded over complaining about O’Neill, “a diva who acts like he’s slumming by working with them.” Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle, it’s called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it’s called murder?

Cindy & Naomi: “Beautiful faces can’t hide the ugly feud between Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell.” The ’90s really are back! Naomi invited Cindy to join her on new reality modeling competition The Face, but Cindy then found out Naomi “had no intention of giving her the job and was merely using her as a bargaining chip to land younger catwalkers.” MEOW. “Cindy feels manipulated. Naomi wanted to be the only ‘original’ supermodel on the show all along.” Their friendship is over for now. “Cindy put her neck on the line for Naomi many times, and although she knew Naomi had a dark side, Cindy never imagined she would do this.”

RHOBH Kyle Richards’s Fur Fight: “Supposed animal lover Kyle Richards faced a heated confrontation at the opening of her new boutique” when a guest “spotted fur clothing prominently displayed in the store’s windows.” Model Katie Cleary screamed, “You claim you are an animal lover? Do you know what kind of torture these animals go through?” Kyle responded “It’s gorgeous, and I’m not having this conversation!”

Tom Cruise’s E-mail: “His personal email address begins with the handle ‘1makdaddy'” Do you think he’s on AOL? Hotmail? Or some special Tom Cruise–only server? Quick, search for 1makdaddy on Grindr and see if anyone comes up.

Rihanna & Chris Brown: Chris Brown officially dumped girlfriend Karrueche Tran for ex-girlfriend Rihanna, and the reunited couple may elope. “They’re passionate, and when they’re drunk, they’ve both made many comments about getting married.” Don’t do it, Rih! “Chris will break her heart because he can’t be faithful — he never was when they were together, and he endlessly cheated on Karrueche.” He might also break her face. Chris and Rihanna have been clubbing out of control. “They are both living an unhealthy lifestyle. Given Chris’ temper, things could turn crazy in an instant.” Chris has completed the community service he was court-ordered to do after beating Rihanna, which included “56 hours destroying old police files, 41 hours tending horse stalls at police stables, and 77 1/2 hours waxing floors.” They make people destroy old police files? Whoa.

Misc/Etc: “Her butt looked amazing!” “staged a robot boxing match” “her body was unrecognizable” “all that vegan cooking couldn’t have hurt!” “a festive orange poncho” “I’m Walken here!” “Banana shoes!” “She’s not your typical soccer mom!” “She tried to be the life of the party, but then the happy face would drop and she’d look so sad.” “Even to her close friends she pretends like nothing is wrong” “She’s been chain-smoking to keep her appetite at bay” “he knows his looks are his meal ticket” “She’s boring, charges too much, and is high-maintenance” “He’ll do crazy stuff, like rip off a girl’s swimsuit!” “She’s been seeing a guy called ‘gym’ on the side” “They’ve realized that they were more like friends than lovers” “prefers nights at home with art films and poems” “fewer scantily-clad women and a lot more finger-painting” “young, fun, and cheesy” “only nice on camera” “limiting herself to a mere three oranges a day” “now she is going to have to sit by and watch a woman 20 years younger fulfill that dream” “the fact that a man would want to marry so soon after splitting from a partner could make the woman feel worthless and invisible” “she looked as slight as a tween” “men should always dress like Spartan soldiers”

Us Weekly

Goofy Celebrity Hotel Check-in Aliases:

Cage Hunt (Tom Cruise)

Chandler Bing (Justin Bieber)

Penny Lane (Fergie)

Bryce and Jasmine Pilaf (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie)

Mr. Dinero (Usher)

Frank Sinatra (Jay-Z)

Señor Pants (Mila Kunis)

Clyde Tibenus (Ben Stiller)

Mr. Drip Noodle (Johnny Depp)

Slappy White (Chris Rock)

Sigourney Beaver (Kate Beckinsale)

Arnold Schwarzenegger (George Clooney)

I.K. Malone (Steven Tyler)

Chuck Steak (Kristen Stewart)

Mr. Woodpond (Justin Timberlake)

Mayim Bialik: Blossom and Angela Chase could have been ’90s alt-rock BFFs. “In high school I was a huge Violent Femmes fan. I was even at the mosh pit in one of their concerts.” Big hats, I know you’re the one.

Taylor Swift: “It’s not my fault if someone gets into a relationship with me and then cheats and I write a song about it.” I’m sorry that people are jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m so popular! It’s not my fault you’re, like, in love with me or something!

Jenny McCarthy on Growing Up Catholic: “I had a Jesus poster. I had some I LOVE JESUS T-shirts. Jesus was my Bieber.”

Claire Danes: “For a long time I was playing at being a grown-up. Now I kind of realize that the grown-ups never really knew what they were doing, and that’s OK.”

People Who Were at Gwyneth Paltrow’s 40th Birthday: “Cameron Diaz, Beyoncé, Chelsea Handler, Tracy Anderson, Ethan Hawke, Kristen Wiig, and Jake Gyllenhaal.” The guests ate veal parmigiana and chocolate cake while watching “a 20-minute film that her husband, Chris Martin, 35, created with her godfather, Steven Spielberg. In the video, friends told stories. Arnold Schwarzenegger was in it. Apparently Gwyneth toilet-papered his house as a girl! At the end, her kids Apple, 8, and Moses, 6, said she’s a ‘fucking awesome mom.'”

Tina Fey & Jeff Richmond: “Tina Fey’s husband Jeff Richmond knows the way to his wife’s heart is a cheeseburger.” At the 30 Rock wrap party, the composer “put a centerpiece in front of her so she could eat more privately.” That is so sweet, and also exactly what you’d think Liz Lemon would want in a lifemate.

Misc/Etc: “Twinsies!” “wore matronly Chanel, but admitted she’s bisexual!” “Take a hike, hater!” “I tackled him in the snow” “Even the best marriages require a lot of work” “People treat you differently as a blonde than as a redhead.” “Dating an infamous serial dater can be tough on a girl’s ego.” “He once earned the nickname ‘douchelord'” “They love married life!” “used to have the attention of a mosquito” “he’s so cheap!” “She was always insecure over the course of their marriage” “I’m a pit bull, but I’m a toothless pit bull. I will totally attack, but I really just want you to rub my tummy.” “jumping on couches, kissing, and doing shots” “He even got paddled by the transgender hostess!” “I felt stupid for placing such value on little things my whole life” “I looked down and saw blood” “a scenic vineyard, a crisp autumn day, and an endless supply of wine” “Doting dad or secret cad?” “Ginger man!” “He’s afraid to look ‘uncool'” “a pulseless dirge”

In Touch

Kim Kardashian & Kanye West & Reggie Bush: Reggie knocked up his Kim look-alike girlfriend Lilit Avagyan, and Kim is not happy. “Kim tried to roll with the punches, but she was shaken up.” Although she “loves her boyfriend Kanye West, Reggie’s news is very hard for her to take. It dredged up so many old emotions — about Reggie, about the fact that she’s still not a mom and that her ex is so happy with someone else.” Kim’s life is an Adele song. In 2009 Kim had “no doubt” that Bush was “the one” and they would end up married. Her famous quote “I want to be a mom before I’m 30” keeps coming back around to haunt her. “She is so sad that she isn’t married or pregnant right now.” I’m pretty sure she might still be technically married to Kris Humphries? “Kim longs to have a baby. The sudden news really crushed her. It made her deeply aware of how badly she wants to settle down.” Even the perfect bitch has feelings, although her face can no longer really properly express them.

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie: “Angelina has no intention of marrying Brad anytime soon. When people bring it up she rolls her eyes.” People, or People? “All she cares about is work, it’s her number one priority.” So Angelina is the old Don Draper, essentially. Makes sense to me. “Judging by her attitude, I doubt a wedding will ever happen.”

Liam Neeson & Willem Dafoe Have Huge Penises: Liam “confirmed a huge rumor” on Watch What Happens Live. Brave Bravo host Andy Cohen asked Liam if he was the most well-endowed person in Hollywood.” Liam responded, “I’m told that Willem Dafoe and I are neck and neck.” Janice Dickinson once compared Liam’s dick “to an Evian bottle.” Dafoe’s member was cut out of Lars von Trier’s Antichrist because von Trier thought people would be “intimidated” by “his enormous dick.” NOT ME, LARS, I’M A LADY. When will movies man up and give us the full-frontal male nudity we so desperately deserve? Michael Fassbender was a nice start, but we’re ready to see Neeson and Dafoe sword fight. We can handle it.

Sofia Vergara & Cameron Diaz Are 40: Cameron says, “Getting older is the best part of life. I feel better at 40 than I did at 25,” adding, “For the first time in my life I’m content. I know myself better.” Sofia disagrees and says “Turning 40 is horrible. People who say it isn’t are full of shit!” She is worried about her spectacular assets, saying, “I already know I’m going to get a breast lift.”

Justin Timberlake: “Golf is my getaway.” Then what is acting? Make some music, damn it.

Misc/Etc: “Kinda grungy” “I morphed into Magic Mike” “I hated myself” “The signs were always there” “vie for the attention of a cute little pal” “No more sitting at home, eating too much!” “Takes a gander at the copious cleavage of Christina Aguilera” “You’re either on board or you’re not on board” “Nicki is gangster” “closet is bigger than most New York City apartments” “turkey bacon (fried hard)” “No judges have ever hired their own security before” “We weren’t as similar as we thought” “There were tears, but I’m not bitter” “I just need a guy who is ready for that chapter” “cheating with a babysitter” “You wish that my life was like your life” “She tries so hard to keep his attention it gets to the point where it just looks nuts” “the type of girl who gets what she wants” “He’s volatile” “grinding together and making out on the dance floor” “She knew how to play him and didn’t really care that he had a girlfriend” “Women either gain or lose weight during stressful times” “He loves the way he looks now!” “I’ve never felt so weird in my life”

OK!

Ashlee & Jessica Simpson: “They used to be close friends as well as sisters, but Jessica Simpson and her younger sibling Ashlee are barely on speaking terms these days.” After Jess complained to Ashlee about her weight-loss troubles, “Ashlee showed very little sympathy for her” and “Jess lost it.” Maybe she was tired of living in the shadow! “Ashlee believes Jessica only has herself to blame for her weight troubles.” Jessica spat back that “Ashlee is jealous of the attention she gets.” Although Ashlee is also a mom, her son Bronx is now 3. “Ashlee used to feel like they were friends. They would party together, but ever since Jess decided to have a baby she’s way more straight-laced. It’s alienated Ashlee. She feels like Jessica’s a hypocrite because they used to have fun together and now Jessica is Goody Two-shoes.”

Jersey Shore Closes Up Shop: “It will take a number of years to try to forget what we’ve done.”

Misc/Etc: “He definitely has a little crush on Honey Boo Boo” “her legs act as her best accessory” “It felt exciting. It felt nervous. It felt like I wanted to pee my pants.” “won’t be reduced to rolling pennies” “She’s going to make a million and be the next Jane Fonda.” “presented the wary diva with a bag of goodies” “a frog leaped smack onto her face” “well actually, it was spaghetti and milk” “there’s nothing better than always feeling like that person is better than you are” “Please forgive me for not regretting it” “Peanut Butter is more needy, but I will get into trouble if I say that he is like my husband!” “purr boxes!” “They looked more like squeaky potatoes at the time!” “protect her from seeing negative stories about herself” “a kiss and a taco” “She’s not 20 anymore” “Katie hates being single and her dad knows it” “hiding her amazing figure in shapeless clothes” “morph into an edgy, unpredictable adult” “just another spoiled party girl” “wild nights, rehab stints and jail time tell a sad tale of her once cherubic face”