That was the question on practically every gossip columnist�s mind yesterday as we waited on pins and needles to see if Mariah Carey would show up at the Grammy�s looking like a million bucks or cab fare and tip.

Well, she didn�t quite knock it out of the park (that Rapunzel hair belongs on someone about 10 years younger � or better yet, back where it belongs on the Cowardly Lion). But Mariah, looking a few pounds less hefty, managed to slip on a dress that didn�t look about ready to bust at the seams, mostly cover her gargantuan titties and knock one out of the park with a medley of �We Belong Together� and her Gospel showstopper, �Fly Like a Bird.�

Still, for all her efforts (and three trophies, her first since her debut album), Mariah managed to get upstaged by just about everyone.

First, she took a backseat to Madonna, who opened the show � a spot that was supposed to belong to Mimi. Thank God Madonna looked so damn good, because she sounded like shit. Her toned and trim bod, clad in a purple leotard bodysuit, didn�t match the wobbly, off-key voice that came pouring over the speakers. Elton John may chastise you for lip-syncing, but I for one think you should leave the magic to the studio engineers and just dance your pretty little butt off.

Then, she played second fiddle to Kelly Clarkson, who took home both Pop Album of the Year and Song of the Year, the only two categories she was nominated in. Kelly blubbered like a school girl, sang the shit out of her �if you don�t love me, I can�t love myself� anthem �Because of You� and called it a night.

Then, she lost Album of the Year to U2 � the band took home five trophies, eclipsing Mariah�s three. In fact, none of the awards Mariah won were even handed out during the telecast. Poor bitch only got five minutes to show off her girdle enhanced physique, but fear not. Summer�s coming and Mariah has a new single on the way. No word yet on whether she plans to keep shedding the weight so that will actually be her body we see in an all too skimpy bikini.

Britney Spears and Her Malibu Joyride

When Reese Witherspoon claimed she was cornered by paparazzi, she had witnesses, filed a police report, managed to get the guy�s name and ended up forming a coalition of celebrities against overbearing and sometimes violent tabloid snakes.

When Britney Spears claimed she was cornered by paparazzi, she got a latte and a visit from Child Protective Services.

That�s because Brit was allegedly cornered by abusive photogs at a Malibu Starbucks where she was waiting in her car with baby Preston as her two ton bodyguard got drinks inside. When bodyguard got back in the car, she sped off � with the baby in her lap.

She claims she was so scared, she felt the need to keep her baby close.

But in pics, baby is laughing up a storm, she�s smiling and downing her drink and the bodyguard is talking on his cell phone.

Not quite the pic I expect to see from an allegedly tragic experience.

Why couldn�t the bodyguard put the baby in the carseat? What, you haven�t trained him to snap the over the shoulder harness into place yet? What are power locks and tinted windows for Brit? You couldn�t put your baby back in his seat while your giant of a bodyguard roughed up a cameraman or two?

The story is bullshit Brit, and you ain�t in Louisiana anymore, so this teaching your baby to drive on the way to the local feed store crap ain�t gonna fly.

And yet, it did. No charges are being filed. No complaint has been issued. In fact, it looks like Brit might even escape the piddly $200 and change fine. Yet another example of how Hollywood celebs are above the law. Not that I expect much more from a bitch who would let her boytoy pull down her top as you see here at last night�s Grammy afterparty.
Adam Sandler and Kevin James Register as Domestic Partners

Well, on film, that is. The two funnymen will reportedly star in the comedy I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry as firemen who play gay to score domestic benefits.

Before you get scared, the script was penned by Alexander Payne (About Schmidt, Sideways), which should put its intelligence level slightly above Big Daddy. And while the film may play into the fears many Republicans �claim� to have that domestic benefits for gays opens a big can of worms for anyone to claim benefits, who doesn�t want to see Kevin James and Adam Sandler try to mesh with a slew of shirtless muscle queens over Pride weekend?

For laughability alone, here�s hoping this one gets off the ground.
Paris and Ashlee: Two Crazy Bitches We�re All Fucking Sick Of

Paris Hilton: Fucking sick of her drunk, nasty ass ... and apparently, so are the Mexicans.

The skanky socialite, who wins this week's �Bitch of the Week� award, has been slapped with a restraining order after allegedly threatening a party planner – and calling him a �lazy Mexican.�

According to reports in the New York Post, Hilton was accused of pushing Brian Quintana (who introduced Paris and her current sex romp, Stavros Niarchos), making a racial slur against him and bombarding him with calls threatening his life.

Quintana also claimed Paris �has a drug and alcohol problem, some rather shady associates, and is known for erratic behavior.�

My question is, is any of this news? Paris is rich, blonde, uneducated and frankly, comes from what I like to call new money – parents who taught her to use her cash for tacky shit and spend none of it on something of actual value, like antiques � perhaps charity. Dime store pussy, that's what she is ... little more than a glory hole for up and coming D-list celebrities to shake their log at.

Much like our runner up for bitch of the week, another spoiled, racist whore � Ashlee Simpson.

Ashlee is now coming clean and admitting she was drunk when she asked a fan to kiss her feet at a McDonalds in Canada. But she claims the fottage was edited together to make her behavior look worse than it actually was.

She told Seventeen: �I was being a little silly and crazy that day. I was laughing and joking around, and the guy in line behind me was like, 'Uh, you're gross', but he didn't know who I was until I turned around. Then he was like, 'Can I have my picture with you?' and I was like, 'Dude, you called me gross!�

So, she told him to kiss her feet.

What she doesn�t explain is why she then stood up on the counter and told the cashier to hurry up, that she had millions in the bank whereas these poor employees �barely scraped by on minimum wage.

What�s next? She�s gonna claim the fry cook threw boiling grease at her and called her sister a whore? I wouldn�t put it past him � hell, I�d do it. This is what happens when your dad owes back taxes to the IRS ... he pimps you out. Far as I'm concerned, now Ashlee's a bitch and a liar.

Wanna nominate a "Bitch of the Week"? Here are the rules. They have to be famous and evil. And you have to let me rake �em over the coals. Should someone spring to mind, e-mail me at buzz@himcorp.com.
HOT MAN ALERT

And finally, we start a new column � Gratuitous skin for no other reason than the fact that I like looking at it. I was watching All My Children last week (they�re having a Red Cross benefit and you can call in and donate money � yeah, that�s the only reason I watched) when this character named Josh took to the screen in a tux.

Damn, is this guy fine. And he plays second fiddle to Erica Kane (Susan Lucci), yet another reason to love him. Wouldn�t you know the man used to model for Calvin Klein, Tommy Hilfiger and Express. His name is Colin Egglesfield, and he is our �Hot Ass Man of the Week.�

So there you have it folks. Another buzz.

To review: Mariah shed a sausage link and managed to look somewhat decent at the Grammys; Britney is a bad mother from the swampy south; Adam Sandler and Kevin James may not make toned homos, but at least they�ll make us laugh; Paris Hilton and Ashlee Simpson suck ass and this Colin Egglesfield guy would look better on my kitchen table.

Until next time!

Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.