Thursday, March 13, 2014

30 Things Series #11: 10 Pet Peeves

I've been working on a series for my son, 30 Things My Son Should Know About Me. I'm beyond pleased with the way it's been shaping up. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all being put out there for my son in an attempt to help us get to know one another, spark future conversation, provide insight, hopefully teach lessons in how to avoid my mistakes, and perhaps elicit some rolled eyes and giggles. Today's installment: 10 of my pet peeves. The challenge is how to limit this list...

1. Sweatshirt strings. It's not what you think. Almost everyone I know feels vehemently that sweatshirt hood strings simply must be even. Knowing me as I'm sure you do by the time you read this, I imagine you'd guess I'd be in that category. You would be mistaken, my little love. I cannot stand when sweatshirt strings are even! They MUST be uneven, noticeably so. If they cannot be, because they're sewn in evenly, I'll cut them out so as to eliminate those pesky even strings altogether. Seriously. Go check my closet.

2. Eating sounds. I do not want to hear anyone eat! Ask your dad. He's the worst. I have no idea how or why he eats SO loudly, but he does...and I may have fantasized about smothering him as a result...many, many times. Seriously. Close your mouth, finish your bite before putting another into your maw, and, if you cannot help but broadcast your ever mastication, sit far away from me. That is all.

3. Eating sights. Ask your dad about this one, too. Quite honestly, I just don't want to be involved in any of anyone's digestive processes.

4. Invading my bubble. If I can touch a person (generally speaking, I mean strangers), they're too close. I need space, man, space! Scooting up an extra two inches so that your grocery cart is brushing my leg hair is not going to get you through this process any faster. Back UP.

5. Grody hygiene (or maybe manners or awareness...label it what you want, it's all grody). Let me tell you a little tale. I was a new teacher at my last school and was sitting with a friend at a brunch table during an inservice day. One of the other teachers came up to my friend to discuss the team they co-coached. He was eating at the time. He then licked all his fingers and said, "I don't think we've met, I'm [Grody Finger Licker]" and put his slobber-hand out to shake mine. Licking fingers: I'm not above it. Shaking hands: please do. Licking fingers then shaking my hand: NO. I was appalled and said, "Dude, did you just lick your fingers and try to shake my hand???" The look on his face showed clearly that he didn't see the problem. Suffice it to say, I left him hanging and made sure never to come into physical contact with him again. Gro-dy.

6. Lateness. How hard is it to be on time? And despite what your dad tells you, five minutes LATE is NOT on time (I mean, "late" is right there in the term!). Happening every once in a while is understandable. Stuff happens. Chronic lateness makes me absolutely buggy. If you're ALWAYS late, get a clue and start getting ready earlier. It's not that difficult.

7. Dishonesty. Here's how to solve that problem: just don't lie. Also, not that hard. Lying by omission - same thing. Don't. My face is doing this as I type: -___-

8. Unfriendliness. If I walk right by someone on the sidewalk, in the hallway, in the store aisle - wherever - I at least throw a nod, smile, "hi!," or some other acknowledgement of the person's existence next to me. It used to be that everyone else did this, too. In the last, I don't know, 15 or so years, people have stopped doing this. It's time to bring it back.

9. Bad customer service. When friendliness out the window, so did good customer service. I'm petitioning humanity to bring it back! At this point, I'll just take a friendly tone, if the person can't manage to offer genuinely good customer service. I'm hard-pressed to find even that lately, though. Big pet peeve. Huge.

10. Unclear communication. Let me be clear: I am not a mind-reader. Want me to know something? Say it - clearly, directly, succinctly. That is all.

Aaargh! I have so much more to add! Text-speak in conversation, "should of" instead of "should've," incomplete hugs, speeding on a residential street, chewing gum like a cow chewing cud. I could go on and on. Clearly, I have issues. I wonder if you'll grow up to have a pet peeve about uneven sweatshirt strings and how we'll reconcile that. Hmmm...