ScorpioOct 24 - Nov 21
The International Olympic Committee will get a restraining order against you this week as your requests to add Overclocking as an Olympic sport become violent.

SagittariusNov 22 - Dec 21
Your parents refuse to buy you any school supplies. Don't feel bad, most parents of thirty-five-year-old basement dwellers do the same.

CapricornDec 22 - Jan 19
The stars say that third place is cool. You should be proud of your country's single bronze medal.

AquariusJan 20 - Feb 18
Those people aren't chanting U-S-A they're chanting You-Ass-Hole. Get out of the ball pit before you hurt some kid.

PiscesFeb 19 - Mar 20
The stars suggest that you keep your old monitor. Doom 3 is supposed to be that dark.

AriesMar 21 - Apr 19
The stars are upset by the lack of coverage on the Mars probes as much as you are. They're sending a messenger to CNN to "make an impression". You might want to avoid Atlanta for a couple millennia.