relationships

I read an article in The New York Times this past weekend, “She Can Play That Game, Too,” that talked about casual sex on college campuses. Most of you have done it and honestly, no judgement from me at all.

The women featured in this article talk about the convenience of casual sex and how they feel relationships are too time consuming. They generally don’t speak to these guys unless it’s late at night and they just want to hook up. Whatever, that’s cool. Do you. The rest of what I say doesn’t apply to you.

The people I have a problem with are the ones who think they can casually hook up with a guy that they consider one of their “good” friends. It’s this simple. If you are hooking up with a guy, you are not “best friends”. I do believe that a guy and a girl can be friends, but that’s only if you are not having sex. I understand wanting to feel comfortable and trusting the person you are hooking up with, but if they really are your best friend they should feel more like a brother, not someone you have sexual tension with.

Females are emotional creatures. It’s in our nature. I am so tired of hearing girls say, “But I don’t want to lose our friendship,” when talking about a guy they are hooking up with that is treating them like shit. First of all, if he was really your friend, he wouldn’t be treating you like shit. And if it is casual, him not texting you or not asking you to hang out, wouldn’t bother you.

Second, I don’t care if you poured your heart out to this guy and he knows everything about you. All he cares about is getting into your pants. If that means he has to listen to you complain about your life for a little, he’ll do that. Only if it means he is getting in your pants after.

There are two possible outcomes of this. The guy realizes he’s actually in love with you and it turns into a relationship. What will most likely happen is you’re going to keep hooking up with him and he is going to keep treating you like shit.

If you want to have casual sex, do it. But don’t turn around and question why the guys you are casually hooking up with don’t respect you. And if you are still questioning it, here is your answer: Because you are not respecting yourself.

If you are secretly in love with your best friend and are casually hooking up with them because you are too afraid to talk about your emotions, MAN UP. Yes, it’s scary. But if you truly are such good friends, you should be able to get past it. Your other option is to spend the rest of your life having feelings for a person who is going to have casual sex with you until they find someone else who is willing to express their feelings.

The worst thing that could happen is they stop talking to you. At least you can sit there knowing you put yourself out there. You lost a friend, but hopefully they aren’t your only one (In that case, ignore everything I have said and keep doing what you’re doing).

So here are your options if you are hooking up with someone you consider a “best friend”:

Keep hooking up with him and keep feeling like a used napkin.

Tell him how you feel and potentially wind up in a relationship.

Tell him how you feel and your friends on Facebook drops a number.

Tell him how you feel and even though he doesn’t feel the same way, you maintain your friendship.

ALSO, if they already know how you feel, haven’t reciprocated the feelings and you’re still hooking up with them, just stop now. Please.

For those of you who have mastered casual, emotionless sex, props to you. You’re stronger than I.

I didn’t write this to make you feel bad about yourself (at least not entirely), but I think sometimes we (yes, I said we) just need a reality check.

The feeling of falling for someone is like none other. It takes a lot to bring you down from that high, but eventually you do. Once you’re down. you start noticing different things about that person. Sometimes it even feels like they are a completely different person than who you fell for. From my experience, you have to take first impressions with a grain of salt. When you first meet someone, you are generally putting the best “you” forward. After time, that sheds and you start to show your true colors. As for me, I’m an extremely sarcastic person. When I first meet someone, I tone it down just to get a feel for the person and then once I am comfortable I treat them the way I treat all of my other friends. In terms of a relationship, once emotions get involved people really change. So what are 3 attractive characteristics that seem to disappear once emotions get involved?

1. Confidence

Confidence is sexy. When a person exudes confidence, we want to get closer to them. Once you get to know them better, you start to see cracks in the confidence. Self-deprecation is seriously the least sexy thing. Perfect example is Hannah from the HBO series Girls. She is constantly questioning her looks and wanting reassurance that guys find her attractive. That’s an instant turn off for a guys and girls. While it is nice to hear someone say that they find you beautiful, you need to know you’re beautiful first.

2. Independence

In a strong relationship you should be able to depend on the other person. However, when emotions get involved people become too dependent. They start feeling like they need the other person to survive. The worst thing you can do is tell another person that you need them and without them you would be nothing. In a way it’s flattering, but more likely they will be terrified and want nothing to do with you.

3. Self-Respect

This is huge. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. What you accept, you will get more of. If you hook up with a person the first time you hang out, they look at you differently. Whether you care or not, that’s up to you. Nobody wants what they can have. It’s not about taunting them or teasing someone. While that can be fun, it’s truly about having your expectations met. If you expect a guy or girl to treat you with respect, the first time they disrespect you you have to let them know you will not accept that. If a guy calls you a bitch and you laugh it off, the names he will call you will only get worse because he knows he can get away with it.

What all of this boils down to is having expectations and not settling for less. Now before you go off and make a list of criteria including a six-figure salary, remember you have to be reasonable. It’s as simple as you expect them to respect you. That’s only one side though. You also need to set expectations for yourself. Don’t settle. That’s sexy.

I am excited to announce a revamping of As Told By Olivia. My goal for this site is to help its readers in all aspects of life. Whether that be with relationship problems, money problems or just keeping you updated with what’s going on in this crazy world, ATBO is here to help. “What does ATBO 2.0 entail,” you ask? Here’s a run down:

Monday: Pinspiration

Monday is the perfect day to get inspired. This will be a post the best pins we compile on a different topic each week. This includes fashion, travel, food, fitness, DIY, etc.

Tuesday: Music

Tuesday will feature some musician or artist that is doing cool shit. Everyone needs a little entertainment to get through the week.

Wednesday: Advice

Just to give you a little push to finish out the week, on Wednesday I’ll be giving you some advice on different aspects of your life. Topics will range from relationships, work, school and just life overall. Just a reminder that you can do it (whatever “it” is)!

Thursday: Money

This column is a little selfish because I absolutely suck when it comes to money. It can seem really daunting when you know nothing. Thursdays I’ll be covering some money related topic just in time for pay day.

Friday: Things You Should Know

Keeping up with news can be annoying so I will be making it a little easier on you by giving you a little rundown of what happened the past week. You’re welcome.

So that’s what we have coming up. I hope you are looking forward for what we have in store. An advice post will be going up a little later! Happy Hump Day!

I can’t get over what a busy month October has been and how fast it has gone by, which is actually the perfect way to get into the topic of this post. You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone. And then when it’s gone all you can do is reminisce on all of the great things and how you took them for granted.

How about this: enjoy it while you have it. Lately I’ve noticed everyone freaking out about something while it’s happening instead of being in the moment. It’s almost impossible to enjoy something if you’re questioning every second. I’ll put it into perspective with a real life example.

Ladies: So you are texting this guy that you really like and it’s new so you’re excited. Instead of freaking out every time he texts you and asking your friends what to say, enjoy the conversation. If he says something that throws you off, keep it going. Trust me, he’s not wording things a certain way to send you mixed messages..he’s sending a text while probably not paying attention.

Another one: You are trying to get over someone (and you’re past the rebound state) and you spend all your time complaining to your friends how you want a new guy to talk to and blahblahblah. Then, a new guy starts pursuing you. Instead of instantly coming up with five things that are “wrong” with him, see where it goes! Unless you are 100% not interested, give it a chance. You have absolutely nothing to lose.

All I am saying is, don’t let a good thing pass without appreciating it while it’s great. That’ll make after it ends (hopefully it doesn’t) a lot easier to handle because you won’t have to deal with regretting the things you should’ve done or said. Hindsight is 20/20 but in the moment can be pretty clear too if you make the effort.

Alright, I am not going to beat around the bush on this one. When a person falls for someone it’s like they turn into a completely different person. They will do some of the dumbest stuff they have ever done. They will accept things from this person that they would never accept from anyone else. They will even give up some of their morals for this person. All this, just because we like someone.

There comes a point when you have to stop and be real with yourself. Is it really okay for you to give up so much for this person? I understand making sacrifices for a person in order to have a relationship, but at the end of the day you can’t lose yourself. You also have to look and see how much this person is giving up for you. If they are telling you you can’t do a, b and c but they refuse to make compromises or sacrifices then you have to take off your love goggles and stand up for yourself.

Love goggles. It’s a real and dangerous thing. When we’re in love we find it so hard to see all the wrong that our significant other does to us. They can do no wrong in our eyes. This is a slippery slope to a very unhealthy relationship.

Ways to ensure your love goggles are not impairing your judgement:

1. Ask your friends for their honest opinion

Your friends are your best ally in this situation. They know you the best and they always know when you’re doing something wrong but sometimes they are too scared to speak up. You first have to mentally prepare yourself to be able to accept whatever your friends say and then ensure your friends that you’re ready and will not hold anything they say against them.

2. After you get in a fight with your significant other, ask how you would handle it if it were someone else.

Fights happen in all types of relationships but when they happen with someone we have feelings for it’s sometimes harder to stay mad at them. Here’s something to remember: What you accept you will get more of. This means if you are constantly letting them get away with stuff, then their respect for you is going to start to diminish. When a person knows they can walk all over you, that is exactly what they will do.

3. Don’t continue to fight for someone who is fighting for you.

I know this is easier said than done but BE REALISTIC. If a person is not actively trying to hold onto the relationship and you’re doing all the work, you’re wasting your energy. This is dangerous too because then we begin to give people credit where credit is not due. You shouldn’t give someone credit for texting you back or calling you first. Those are things that are expected of a person in relationship. Make them work and put in just as much effort as you do. It makes the relationship more fun and eliminates the feeling that you’re doing more than the other person.

If your significant other isn’t willing to put in the work then you know that is time to let go.