The 10 Most Beat-to-death Facebook Statuses

The guilty parties can be divided into several groups – attention seekers, extremists,
and bored clueless people with nothing better to do. The latter are completely harmless, nonetheless equally painstaking and annoying.

The following examples are polar opposites of moderation. People who cannot seem to control themselves. Post, post, post… It’s all acceleration and no brake with these lunatics.

*People posting every single vacation or holiday photo. Nobody wants their news feed polluted by your double or quadruple images. Weed that shit out. Five photos of the same three people posing in front of a giant condom is too many. This type of thing has been known to cause older PC’s to slow down to a crawl and even stroke the eff out. Your clusterfuck of photos are responsible for the sudden death of fragile elderly computers. It’s a wonder these people can sleep at night.

*Ladies constantly posting selfies or commenting on 5 year old photos of themselves to ensure said photo will reappear in their friends news feed. Here’s my face. Here’s my face. Here’s my face… youuuuuu hooo – here’s my face AGAIN in case you missed it!! These high maintenance girls are notorious for squeezing themselves into every single frame whether it’s a graduation, dance recital, sporting event or someone else’s birthday or retirement. It’s all about them. They need a Facebook thumbs up several times a day, like the rest of us need oxygen.

*Cartoons and memes. Originality is dead. Cartoons lose their funny when they’re thrown in your face over and over and over again. The ability to copy & paste does not make one an upcoming Improv star or a wild and crazy guy. Gone forever are the days when reading the Sunday comics were special. May the nostalgic funnies RIP.

*Extremist Kool aid drinking nut-cases who habitually post their intense over-the-top views on politics, special causes, sports etc. It’s safe to say many of these extremists have lost their objectivity. Math and science are examples of the few things on Earth that bear clear definitive answers. The world is more like a bazillion shades of grey. Extremist is often be synonymous with nut job.

*Achievement ho’s – the adult learner who’s taking a class and painfully posts every single one of their test grades or the star employee who uses facebook as their public resume of awesomeness. Newsflash – a certificate or promotion will not repair the obvious gaping hole in your self esteem. These are the exact same people who share results from bogus Facebook quizzes boasting their supposed incredibly super high IQ or suggested career-path – which is almost always something over-the-top spectacular like astrophysicist or neurosurgeon.

Psst… don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

*The distributor of sensationalized bullshit– What this lady does next will totally surprise you! This mans reaction is amazing!! What this guy did will blow you away!! Blah blah blah. Teasers like this give me a strong urge to stab a kitten or dig the authors eyeballs right out of the sockets with a spork.

*Everyone is my BFF posts. The most popular definition of BEST – that which is the most excellent, outstanding or desirable; the singular blue ribbon or gold medal. When a person has 25 BFF’s not only do they lose their credibility, they qualify as a friend whore; a person who has a different BFF to meet every need. Drinking BFF, fitness BFF, work BFF, Facebook BFF, etc. Over-designating the BFF title is right up there with male-animals-in-heat overusing the I love you phrase to get laid. Sleazy. Bottom line- Don’t say things you don’t mean.

*Overly cryptic always a secret agent – this person habitually checks into Facebook from the emergency room, surgery center, police station, court room or church soliciting prayers. They also want you to keep your fingers crossed for them because something big is about to go down. My personal advisement to these wannabe movie star ninjas is this – it’s either secret or it’s not.

*The constant complainer – whether it’s their health, poor service at a restaurant, slow driver on Rte. 9 or anonymous open letter to the mom whose children were unruly in Denny’s – these people project a constant stream of negativity. When you notice their name pop up in your newsfeed you envision wavy toxic green and yellow fumes surrounding their post. This is the person you must HIDE or unfollow. Nobody will be the wiser.

*Repost in 5 minutes if you love Jesus or want to discover a pot of gold coins on your doorstep. No. Just no. It could also read- “repost in 5 min or your kids and dog will blow up” and I still wouldn’t repost. I call this… living on the edge ladies and gentlemen.