Late-Night Laughs

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

A Good Laugh

Sep 04, 2008

Jay Leno: “From what I understand, President Bush”
is “very upset” that “John McCain has picked Alaskan
Governor Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential running mate.”
Bush “said, ‘Alaska? Why couldn’t he have picked someone
from America?’”

Jay Leno: “No, Governor Palin announced, over
the weekend, that her 17-year-old, unmarried daughter is five months pregnant.
Oh, boy! You thought John Edwards was in trouble before.”

Jay Leno: “Well, there’s a lot of controversy
about this. Apparently,” Governor Palin “told McCain about”
the pregnancy “weeks ago, but…I guess she said it into his
bad ear, so he didn’t realize.”

Jay Leno: “Well…in 1984, Sarah Palin came
in second in the Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant. Now she could be vice president
of the United States.” So for “the first time in history,
a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace.”

Jay Leno: “Actually, there was…talk about
canceling the Republican convention because of Hurricane Gustav.”
In fact, John McCain helped “out during the hurricane. To give you
an idea what a compassionate guy McCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees
into some of his empty houses. I thought that was great.”

Jay Leno: “Well, it’s now being reported
that in exchange for Hillary’s support, if he is elected, Barack
Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought
this through? You know the Clintons. If she gets on the Supreme Court,
she could demand a recount and declare herself a winner. It’s happened
before!”

Jay Leno: “Well, John Edwards, who is scheduled
in October to speak at the University of Illinois, has raised his speaking
fee from $55,000 to $65,000! Well then again, he has another mouth to
feed,” and “another mouth he has to keep quiet.”

David Letterman: “And, of course, the big news”
is that “John McCain has selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as
his vice presidential candidate. Apparently, he was turned down by his
first choice, [actress] Bonnie Hunt.”

David Letterman: “And you’ve got to love
this. Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. … A vice president who likes
guns. Well, what could go wrong there?”

Craig Ferguson: “The Republican convention is
underway,” but “I’m watching the TV news and there is
more coverage on Hurricane Gustav. … Now, a hurricane and the Republican
convention are very different, of course. One’s a stormy blast of
wind that throws mud everywhere. The other’s a hurricane.”

Craig Ferguson: “John McCain picked Alaska Governor
Sarah Palin as his running mate. She’s a popular governor, a great
public speaker, and she’s raising five kids. So she can definitely
change a diaper, which is a skill she’s going need if she is running
with John McCain.”