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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

What love is...

Fourteen years ago today I married the man I fell head over heels in love with!

God had chosen RW for me long before my existence. That I am sure of.

From the moment we allowed God to be first in our hearts and lives, He took control over them. And He placed us together, forever.

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Gatlinburg, TN- honeymoon

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I glanced at this photo of RW & me on our honeymoon earlier, as I do everyday... but today I picked it up and looked so closely at the two of us. We were 24 and 26 when we married, young and full of hope and expectations for our future.

I started looking at our eyes and the joy that we both had... the joy that you have before you lose a child. That JOY.

I got sad for a second thinking those two in that photo had NO idea what was ahead for them and if they did they probably would have ran as fast as they could away from each other... BUT God was there to keep them together.

Of course the old song by Brad Paisley came to mind "If I could write a letter to me..."

And I started thinking about what I would have written... here are a few of those thoughts:

You will love each other to death until 5 weeks after you are married and then you will say OMGosh what did I do? Who did I marry? That will last about a week until both of you come to an agreement about dinner and the socks on the floor. Then surprise you will absolutely love, love. love each other again...!!!

You will enjoy life so much, be heavily involved in church and ministry and have friends over all of the time and laugh and play and rollerblade and so much fun stuff!

Another surprise! A baby on the way! Oh no, you didn't plan that, but God did! There would be some scary times of pregnancy and after but a beautiful boy would be in your arms on Easter Sunday morning of April 2000!

Then there will be birthday parties and selling the convertible because it wasn't safe enough for the baby... Bye Bye car! There will be an SUV family vehicle! Hello stroller and playpen! Goodbye rollerblades and hello bike with a seat on the back!

There will be many laughs, cries, fevers, bo bo's and peekaboo's that would solidify this thing called parenthood! What a scary and beautiful ride!

There will be the excitement of purchasing new land for a dream home! July 2nd, would be the date you were official land owners!

There will be lots of MUD in that land while clearing it and lots of tractors and outside showers for your boy! (and for you both!)

Oh and just shortly after you list your home for sale, like two weeks short, you will sell it! And have to move within 30 days! Land, muddy land, and no house! Woah! Okay, thank God for parents and a home to stay in until your home is built....

Oh and about building that new home...

You will draw the plans and shortly after that have to adjust the plans because you need a nursery added! Woah, another baby! Not planned... but wow!

So there you have it... land, the shell of a new home complete and a new baby on the way! And the most precious 4 year old ever!

Now is where I wish I didn't have to tell you something-

The little life you are expecting to bring home and put into that new nursery will not leave the hospital with breath.

You will have the most beautiful baby, 8 lbs and 14 oz, and he won't survive the trauma of a uterine rupture. And your health will not either.

You will fight for your life and suffer extreme complications and injuries. For two weeks while you are in the hopsital, your baby boy will be in a morgue waiting on your hospital release so he can be laid to rest.

You will leave the hospital with a pillow on your lap and a hole forever in your heart.

You will go and pick out a site at the cemetery where you will bury your child. He won't ever play in the nursery, he won't ever cry in the nursery and you will never hold him in the nursery that was being built just for him. That can of paint that is labeled "Matthew's room" will sit in your hall closet for the next 8 years and you will dare someone to remove it.

You won't hold him until the day of the funeral. The first and last time.

You will ride with him beside you on the way to the gravesite... cars following with their lights on as tears flow down your face as you carress the little"bed" that he is laying in beside you... the top is closed forever. You cannot open it again... so this is what you have. Forever.

You will sit in the hot sun on July 23, 2005 as balloons are released for your son and you will not even understand what is happening for a long time.

Surreal.

You will become a shell of who you were.

You will struggle and cry in pain alone while noone is looking. You will scream at God, the one who gave you to each other and you will get mad, a lot.

You will experience things only grieving parents could ever understand.

You will never be the same. Ever.

And just five weeks after you lay your son to rest, a giant hurricane, Katrina, will visit you. She will flood both of your business... yes both of them.

Your friends and family will lose much. Yet you will not understand how someone can complain about losing their stuff when you lost your son.

You withdraw from everyone.

You are so sick from the trauma to your body and the doctors try to help, but nothing works.

Therapy. Tests. Procedures and more medical stuff than you would have ever imagined will occupy much of your time.

Your career will be over due to the injuries you will sustain from birthing your baby.

Your body will be like a lab rat... you will survive what most people don't. You will not understand still.

You will suffer immensely, both physically and mentally. Immensely. You will suffer together and apart.

Fourteen months after losing your son, God will give you a MIRACLE! God's Will becomes YOUR WILL! God will begin to restore your joy through a beautiful gift, life! Your lives will never be the same again!

You will start to laugh again and have hope resignate within your heart! Yes, you will feel that JOY again...

You will learn to let go when you need to and hold tight when it is necessary.

You will learn life, life is so, so precious and truly a gift from God.

You will learn death is part of life.

You will grieve even after new life is given to you... you will grieve still.

You will grieve together and separately.

You will grieve differently.

You will cope differently.

You will heal together.

You will get through the most difficult times moment by moment... enduring the adversities that come moment by moment...

You will say I am sorry, a lot. You will cry a lot and eventually you will laugh a lot. You will know that even the moments when you have questioned your faith, your God has never left your side.

You will be scared and brave at the same time.

You will learn God is always there, always.

You will learn how to lean over and pick the other one up, even when you want to kick them first. You will learn that at the end of the day it is not the socks on the floor that matters or what you have for dinner!

You will come full circle with life, death and be right back where you started when you said "I do!" God will be in the center of your heart and your home...

You will LOVE EACH OTHER for better or worse, for richer or poorer in sickness and in health til' death do you part!!!

You will both know God's grace is sufficient for all of your needs! And you will be blessed abundantly with love, hope and peace that surpasses all understanding!

After writing these thoughts out and as I take a second look at that photo now, I can laugh a little and know that we didn't really KNOW what LOVE WAS back then...sure we were in love... but we HADN'T EXPERIENCED LOVE yet!

Two births, one death, one adoption and fourteen years later, WE KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!

LOVE IS...

1 Cor. 13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.

Thank you God for the LOVE that you have given to us...for the boys that you have given to us, (all 3 of them) and for the joy that you give to us every single day!

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About Me

I am a mom to three beautiful boys, better known in our house, as our "little Rebels." Two are here with us and one has a special "Hotty Toddy" room in heaven. I love to write, create, shop and anything in between. I am usually the loudest mom in the bleachers and I love sparkles, everything that sparkles. I blog to encourage and inspire others. Life has given me many challenges and I share them along with life's most amazing blessings here! You can also find my archived posts at StillStandingMag.com where I talk about loss, grief and the journey of life after losing Matthew. And for the lighter side of my work, you can find my archived posts at HottyToddy.com where I loved to blog about being married to a Rebel and the adventures of life Raising Rebels. Confucius said "Wherever you go, go with all your heart" so I choose to write like that, with my whole heart. So wherever you find my words, here, there or in my book, you will know those words were written with my whole heart.

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