Sunday, November 20, 2016

You want to know what I'm thinking about? (And if you don't want to know, you should want to want to know). Tardigrade sex, that's what! What's that all about? How on earth do tardigrades - infinitesimally small creatures - find one another to begin with? Because humans suffer from the same inclination from time to time, they built towns and cities so that we know where everyone is, but tardigrades hardly have the good sense to do that. It's not like they even have proper brains. Basically, it's like one needle in the haystack going in search of another needle in the haystack - and finding it. What?

And then! When they actually happen upon another! What on earth possesses the tardigrade to actually carry out its tardigradular duties? "Tardigrades are oviparous", reassures Wikipedia, "and fertilization is usually external." Okay then, that's not so bad, but... "A few species have internal fertilization, with mating occurring before the female fully sheds her cuticle." So they do have sex after all! But surely at this point, the sex-crazed tardigrade would rightly think, "Ew! It's a small wriggly buggly thing! I'm not going near that!" I mean, just look at them!

Tardigrade, sex machine.

Stubby little ridiculous thing with legs splodged out on either side of them! I have no idea what gets into tardigrades' minds to make them think it's actually okay. (True, they don't actually have minds. But that's no excuse.)

Tardigrade sex. Hot, heavy, horny tardigrade sex. This is what keeps me awake at night. (No no, not that way. Good heavens - never that way!)

Friday, November 11, 2016

*Ringring* *Ringring*TIM: Hello? LADY:We're ringing to talk about your gaffe supply. TIM: Gaffe? I make them all the time. LADY: *Laughter* I've never heard that joke before. TIM: Really? Surely everyone makes it. LADY: So anyway, we're ringing to ask about your gaffe line. TIM: Gaffe line? A line delivering gaffes to our property? What are you talking about?
(I can see the gaffe in my minds eye at this point, running along the pipe, a greyly rubbery flubbery substance, coming out a gaffe tap).BARON: I think they're talking about gas. TIM: OH! (Pause) (To lady on phone) Are you talking about gas?

Sunday, November 06, 2016

'Irregardless' is, too all intensive purposes, a misunderestimated word. There are currently many such words and phrases in our English tongue today, so that even those who are disinterested in learning, English sin taxes, and grandmas, may wish to pay a tension to them. They are literally the building blocks that form the inexorable march forward into progress of our language, so much more so than the stale old formalities that have tied us all back behind our class on the ladder for so long. Besides, what is language for if not for mutual communicants or repression of ideas? Nothing, or maybe even very little, let me tell you! So let us not worry anymore about subjecting our words to objectification, or objecting to their subjugation in accusative cases of law, for all these old rules are getting quite dative. And so, without further, adieu.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

...In a strongly worded email to students at both campuses, student-government presidents Rachel Grisham and Quinn Haaga warned their communities that acts of cultural appropriation "are not acceptable." Full stop. Seriously: Cultural appropriation is the act of borrowing or using aspects of a culture by another culture, typically a dominant culture. Around the time of Halloween, we often see people dressing as a culture or a character, which is offensive and reinforces negative stereotypes....Oregon Student Government: Dressing Up as Any Character Is Cultural Appropriation, Not Okay

Now I know what you're thinking. At last, someone brave enough to stand against the rampant abuse of character in our society! Finally someone has dared to oppose all this character people just go flaunting about, as if it was actually something that we were good with.

But hang on: what if a person goes to a party dressed as themselves? Then they will be inappropriately appropriating their own self off their own self instead of someone else, which, if you ask me, is even worse than if they were appropriating their self off another self who happened to have a self to spare. And even if appropriating themselves from themselves was deemed to be an act of appropriate appropriation, by appropriately appropriating their character before someone else can inappropriately appropriate their character from them, there is always the clear and present danger that they will end up committing racism against their sex or sexism against their class and, more importantly still, end up thwarting their own incipient Narcissism. No, it is clear that all such appropriate appropriation inappropriately appropriates, and sexism is classism against Narcissists, and that's that.

And that's even before we get into the fact that they're going to the party dressed, full stop. What? Who said that was okay?

In short, to prevent all future displays of character, these Oregon university student governments will simply have to hereby abolish all displays of character, including, but not limited to, self, name (pronouns are so triggering), clothes, face, body, and sense of meaning and values. Quickly! Before someone gets offended!

You know those toothpaste ads they used to screen when we were kids? There'd be a smiling lady with perfect teeth, and she'd layer fresh toothpaste from a tube onto a toothbrush. There would be a close up on the toothbrush, and you'd see the toothpaste go on in a perfect flow, ending with a lovely little curl on the end. At this point a 'ping' noise might come from the television or maybe little animated stars, but that doesn't matter, because what matters is the lovely little curl at the end! I used to practice hard with the toothpaste tube to try to get that curl at the end of my own toothbrush - I might have gone through the better half of a toothpaste tube to actually try to get it to happen. It's actually really hard! How did they actually get the curl at the end in those ads? We're talking the '80s, people. This is not the time of advanced CGI and movie special effects so real you can eat them: this is more the time of dodgy puppets with people's hands up their bums talking smack. Do they hire trained ninjas who have been practising the ancient art of paste-fu in Shaolin Temple for decades to get that little Zen moment of curly perfection? Are there some people who just have the curly knack? I DON'T KNOW! By the way, sorry mum and dad for all those lost toothpaste tubes.

Anyway. Things with a lovely little curl at the end of them. Do you know, there's a lot of these in nature, if you look hard enough? For instance, meringues. All the best meringues end with a curve, though they don't typically also make a 'pinging' noise or have animated stars, but you can't have everything. Ice-cream sometimes has too, though the curly bit doesn't usually last because it melts away in the sun just like all beauty must fade away to nothingness eventually and what's the pointy of it all?

And do you know what else ends with a little curl? Chook poo! If the chook does it well (and not all chooks, I have found, are trained ninjas practising the ancient art of poo-fu in Shaolin Temple for decades to get that little Zen moment of curly perfection) then it will taper with a delicate little curl, the nicest you could wish for. How do they do that?

Of course, not all these things are like the other. I wouldn't recommend cleaning your teeth with meringues or ice-cream, for instance, no matter how fun that might seem at the time. I wouldn't recommend doing it with chook poo, either. I know how disappointed you all will be.

I think the basic point I'm making is that things that end with a lovely little curl at the end are lovely THE END.

We've come a long way in the space of this short blog post. A journey. It's been a bonding experience. A moving thing. In fact, I think I want to do a movement now...

SCENE: A parliamentary cabinet meeting. The PRIME MINISTER is sitting at the table, along with several other LOWLY WORMS.

PRIME MINISTER: Right, thanks for coming to this cabinet meeting everyone. As you know, this nation faces many difficult and serious problems, so we need to get right down to it, offering rigorous, science-based solutions to these problems.

LOWLY WORMS: (Right on, hear hear, good on you Prime Minister, how right you are, and so on.)

PRIME MINISTER: So, a number of voters have raised transport along the Pacific Highway as an issue with us. As I said before, it's important that we apply a rigorous, science-based approach to solving all our problems, isn't that right, Lowly Worm 1?

PRIME MINISTER: (Dismissing LOWLY WORM 1 with a wave of his hand) That's all right, Lowly Worm 1. I know what the solution is. You may be the Transport Minister, but I am the Prime Minister. Yes, by applying a calmly analytical scientific eye to this situation, I have decided that nothing could be more suitable than explosions.

LOWLY WORM 1: Expl.... what, Prime Minister?

PRIME MINISTER: That's right! What could be more scientific than explosions? I've watched all the rigorous, science-based programs in which they apply rigorous, science-based solutions to stuff.

LOWLY WORM 2: Er, what programs would they be again Prime Minister?

PRIME MINISTER: Mythbusters, of course! They're full of explosions!

LOWLY WORM 2: They're not even on telly anymore!

PRIME MINISTER: That's why you're just the Lowly Worm and I'm the Prime Minister. I applied a rigorous scientific solution to that as well. I got the whole show on Netflix!

(Awkward silence)

LOWLY WORM 1: Er, so about this road...

PRIME MINISTER: Yep. We're going to blow the whole thing up.

LOWLY WORM 1: Blow the.... blow the.... blow the... blow the....

PRIME MINISTER: It'll be so cool, there'll be all sorts of pretty colours, and we'll all get to pose in front of the gigantic fireball for a photo op. Yep, we're going to explode the whole thing.

LOWLY WORM 1: Blow the.... blow the... blow the...

LOWLY WORM 3: Perhaps if we move on, Prime Minister. Ehrm, there's been some dissatisfaction about our Department of Arts policy of saving money on grants, various artists have called on a resumption of earlier funding. Now, I have a report here, which, if we go over...

PRIME MINISTER: No, don't worry about that. Yes, Lowly Worm 3, I have examined all the evidence in a calm, rational sciency fashion and I have determined that we must apply the best of science to this problem, too, and make lots of explosions.

LOWLY WORM 3: (Buries head in hands) Explode.... what, Prime Minister? Not the artists, I trust?

PRIME MINISTER: Certainly not!

LOWLY WORM 3: The.... the art galleries?

PRIME MINISTER: (Shocked) Good heavens no. Do you take me for some barbarian? Though come to think of it, with all those lovely oil paintings they have... there would be a very striking abstract-impressionist effect to it all...

PRIME MINISTER: Don't worry, you'll all be evacuated prior to the explosion and given cushy jobs in other Departments. (Laughs jocularly). Look upon it as a form of extremely advanced Keynesian stimulus. Keynes was very sciency, you know.

LOWLY WORM 6: Er.... perhaps we can resume this cabinet meeting soon, the time is running late, Prime Minister, and I think we all need a lunch break....

PRIME MINISTER: Quite so, Lowly Worm 6. Lowly Worms, let's all meet be back here in half an hour. (All file out). By the way, could I have some of yours? I exploded mine at home this morning, and for some reason it stuck to the ceiling instead of falling into my tupperware....

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

Beatrice the cat just walked into the laundry, did a poo behind the litter, commenced to clean the litter up, and then asked to go outside.

This strikes me as being a superb example of cat logic.

Let's apply it to my own life:

- Get some bread, butter, and a knife, Put the butter and knife in the toaster and turn them on. When the toaster malfunctions, eat the bread!

- Get a broom and sweep up the contents of the compost bin. Then come inside and throw it in the fridge!

- Pay two dollars to the chickens, walk down the road, steal a chocolate bar from the 7/11, and then take it home and eat the plastic!

- Take all my clothes off and lie naked next to the bathtub for half an hour, singing songs like 'Rubber Ducky'. Then dry myself off, put my clothes on, start running the bath, and leave the house for the afternoon!

Actually - you know, cat logic actually sounds kind of fun. I should try this some time....

Saturday, October 01, 2016

It's all 'Bulldogs' this and 'Swans' that and 'Magpies', 'Lions' and 'Bombers' with some people. I ask you - what do sporty people have against the fierce poodle, the ferocious capybara, the terrifying tardigrade, that these noble creatures- bastions of the animal kingdom- should be omitted from all team regalia the world over? I must admit, I once formulated a proposal for a new AFL team with the name 'Wombats'. I even wrote a team song! Well, the first few lines, anyway:

When the wombatsEnter combatWhen the wombats boldly charge into the fray...
Instead, the AFL went with the 'Suns' and the 'Giants'. Boooooring!

And while we're on the general topic, why don't we discuss the matter of team costumes: what do these people have against polka dots, teal, aqua, turquoise, or puce? Is it such a stretch from wearing stripes to the equally-distinctive spots? The animal kingdom seems to have no trouble accommodating either: contemplate the noble tiger (stripes) and the regal leopard (spotty). I mean, come on! AFL is a game in which grown men run around in short shorts to show tunes from the 1930s. It can't be that difficult.

In conclusion, this is my proposal for the AFL: have more spotty costumes, and call a team the Wombats.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

The things you learn on the bus. If you miss the bus, clearly the best way is to shout at the bus driver (as they're stuck behind another bus) to open the door. Get more and more aggressive in tone as this will surely persuade the bus driver to open the door. Then, if this doesn't work, go to option 2) - bash at the door in a further attempt to cajole the bus driver and win them over with your winsome ways. Keep shouting as it will demonstrate your lovely temperament not only to the bus driver but to all the passengers on the bus!

If for some reason that doesn't work, then.... um.... I don't know. Try waiting at the bus stop and being nice to the bus driver? Nah, that'll never work.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

That one time the Baron called me on the video thing on the iPhone when I was on the loo in the middle of doing what you do when you go to the loo and then proudly displayed me to everyone else in the house. That was a good time. Isn't it amazing how technology brings us all together?

A POEM ABOUT ME GOING TO THE TOILET FOR DRAMATIC RECITATION AT DINNER PARTIES

Sunday, August 14, 2016

America! Land of many fine cryptic crossword clues, and a gigantic hole in the ground second to none! Long have I admired the rugged untamed contours of your television sets, and your animals aren't bad either! But another thing that Americans like to eat is food, and that food is, if not better, worse or, above all, equal, to food in the rest of the world. In this post, I would like to present two underwhelming American food trends that seem to have caught on in the rest of the world (by which I mean Melbourne).

1. Batch brewed coffee
Instead of brewing coffee individually per the requirements of the customer, batch-brewed coffee is brewed the night before to be forced upon the unsuspecting customer the day after. Batch brewed coffee is great, explained one website, because it ensures greater consistency and it's something that, by definition, you do in bulk! Which is to say it has cost benefits for cheapskate cafe-owners but is actually a shithouse deal for actual coffee drinkers.

2. Donuts
Donuts have to be my absolute favourite food stuff that has a hole in it. Cheezels aren't bad either. (And actually while we're on that subject, don't you think - paradoxically - the presence of a hole in donuts actually makes them taste better?) But while donuts are a simple food to do well, I so frequently find them done badly. Donuts should be served piping hot, almost right out of the deep frying vat. Only a few toppings or fillings are necessary: they should be dunked in sugar or cinnamon-sugar, and also acceptable are the jam-filled donuts (also dunked in cinnamon-sugar). And Melbourne does this perhaps better than any other city in the world; hot jam donuts are sold just down the road from me at a van at the Preston Markets. The fact that this delicacy can - and is - sold in its proper form by greasy old men in dodgy vans at the footy should underscore the fact: this food is so easy to do well. So why do we find, in our fair city, an infiltration of donuts which are not done well at all? Instead of hot, sugar covered, jam filled donuts, we find the far inferior cold, mushy, confectionary-coated donut increasingly sold all over the place - the sort that Homer drools over in episode after episode of The Simpsons. These are donuts designed to be photographed (therein the secret of their success lies - cheap publicity). In order to get all that colourful confectionary on, the donut must be cold (or it would all melt): but when cold, the donut very quickly goes stale, and renders into a claggy, unpleasing paste in your mouths. No.

In short, Americans good, lovely people, fine place, but we appear to be adopting some very nonsensical food trends from them. My goodly friends across the Pacific, I implore you - instead of sending across your terrible coffee and your lacklustre donuts, could you please send across more of your craft beer and your maple syrup? We could arrange some kind of a swapsy where we send over lamingtons and pavlova. We'd even lay off feeding you guys Vegemite, honest!

UPDATE! - What is this obsession us Aussies have with feeding the Yanks Vegemite anyway? It's not as if we seem to want to inflict Vegemite upon unsuspecting Germans or Mongolians or Latvians or anything. Are we trying to start a war?

Friday, August 05, 2016

Pro-tip for all Australians: when speaking with Americans, throw as many Aussie expressions into your speech as you can, just to pique their interest. Strewth, cobber, take a gander at that geezer, haven't ridden in one of those for yonks, that kanga's had a few too many dhurries, he's a coupla tinnies short of a sixpack!

Over time, modify your speech so your ockerisms get ever more ocker and outlandish. Start making up a few: the Yanks will love it: throw another prawn on the barbie, me old Murray mate, there's a coupla cockies loose in the top paddock, how many sausages have to roll down the hill before me meat pie's done, by Jingo, Dingo, I get the Willy Willies from this great flaming galoot from the blazing black stump of Burke!

Eventually, your conversation should depart almost entirely from recognisable English. Trust me on this one. Whackadoodlediddly, why's me doovilaka pringled like the Nine Bulls of Ballina, it was just the other daisy she got stuck in a Lara Bingle at the Bottleo with Matto and Damo, who's a blagger got to nim to flanglewoozle a feller around here, I just want to take a Coonamble down the Bidgee, I ain't budging any smugglers, mate!

By this time you should be shouting, and waving your hands around a lot, and the corks on your hat will be tying themselves up in ever more fanciful knots. It will be great. The Yanks will never forget you.

Thursday, August 04, 2016

There are many strange, awkward, or underacknowledged moments of life that are in need of a word or phrase by which we are able to express their commonality. One such is that awkward moment when your underpants fall apart while you are in the middle of wearing them. You may smile and put up a brave face, chat pleasantly to your boss as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened, but in that moment, something fundamental has shifted in reality; your underpants have changed into something completely different. Let's workshop a few phrases for this important moment now:

your unders down under go under

asunderpants/gone asunderpants/asunderpanted: "He smiled the smile of one who had gone asunderpants".
wedgied by the nothing

ununderpanted

falling into the abyss/fell into the abyss

to take the invisible plunge

going silently commando

wearing one's blunderpants

biology meets topology

knickering off

your clothes clothes take their clothes off

underdance/doing the underdance

to have your knickers knock off and your knackers nick off through a nook in your knickers

to have a derriere in the merrier area/to have a derriere make merry in the nefarious area

Sunday, July 31, 2016

MELBOURNE, Sunday - Intergalactic conspiracy conglomerate and 500 card team the Lizard People have been forced to call off their latest meeting arranging world affairs because it clashed with a meeting at the same time and place of global domination group and old man's friendly society, the Elders of Zion.

"It was such an embarrassing mistake!" laughs Ps'norr, of the Reptilians. "We turned into the room we always use at our favourite cafe, the Bearded Iguana, and we found the Elders already present!"
Rabbi Mo Menavich, of the Elders, who describes his group as "friends first, dominators of civilisation second", said to reporters, "It was completely understandable. These scheduling errors are so common! I mean, it was like that time we scheduled a golf match on the same day as the third world w.... oh my goodness, did I just say that? Oy vey!"

AD! Do you or an intergalactic conspiracy confederate that you belong to have scheduling problems? Sign up to the ICCS, or International Conspiracy Cooperative Society, now to help you avoid these awkward mistakes!

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Now, as all of us in the enlightened 'I saw chemtrails in my skidmarks!' community know, there's this little meme been going around about a guy called 'Conscious Man'. Conscious Man is great! Not only does he attain a higher state of being through blissful karmic meditation, but he also does the dishes! I think I hate him already. But can we really know how good Conscious Man is unless we set him next to his opposite - Unconscious Man? Let's perform this little thought experiment now!

CONSCIOUS MAN:

Is mindful.

UNCONSCIOUS MAN:

Is in a drunken stupor on the couch.

ADVANTAGE:

Unconscious Man. Come on, who even knows what that mindful shit is?

*

CONSCIOUS MAN:

Takes out the garbage.

UNCONSCIOUS MAN:

Is in a drunken stupor on the couch.

ADVANTAGE:

Conscious Man.

*

CONSCIOUS MAN:

Meditates on the Yin and the Yang, the Feng Shui and the Falun Gong, the Chakras and the Yoni, the This and the That, and attains a state of Nirvana attaining the ultimate cessation of all being.

UNCONSCIOUS MAN:

Is in a drunken stupor on the - wait. Is he even alive? Oh, that's fine, he just vomited on the mat.

ADVANTAGE:

Conscious Man - unless he ectoplasms on the floor while in Nirvanic bliss.

*

CONSCIOUS MAN:

Will talk about your feelings, his feelings on your feelings, your feelings on his feelings, any old feelings, sometimes he'll even make up feelings to talk about.

UNCONSCIOUS MAN:

Is in a drunken stupor on the couch.

ADVANTAGE:

Unconscious Man. He's the strong and silent type.

*

CONSCIOUS MAN:

Grooves to the light of the silvery moon in a state of ecstasy.

UNCONSCIOUS MAN:

He's not sure whether he did any of that, he can't remember now, but at any rate he's in no condition to do it at the moment. Drunken, stupor, couch. You can fill in the blanks.

ADVANTAGE:

Unconscious Man, seriously, who is interested in that sort of nonsense?

Friday, July 22, 2016

New exciting book idea! Punctuate your own Adventure! (Idea may need some more work.)

you are an octopus nazi attack robot one day you are swimming peacefully in axis waters when three marines approach with water grenades what do you do do you ATTACK turn to page 15 ATTACK turn to page 37 you have chosen to ATTACK you wrap the marines in your mechanical robotic octopoid evil nazi arms which have started to rust in the seawater you should really see someone about that and begin to squeeze them in your death grip you lash about fiercely in the water the marines try to loose the catch on their water grenades but they fall out of their hands unused to the bottom of the sea NOBODY DEFEATS OCTOPUS NAZI ATTACK ROBOT you return to your watery lair not seeing a secret submarine sneak up behind you to see what happens turn over the pageSample punctuation:

Thursday, July 21, 2016

HEYA FOLKS I'M ROCKY GRUNTNOD AND I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU SOME SOFT TALK! PILLOWSFUDGEKITTEN WHISKERSDUCKLING DOWNCUDDLESLEAFBREEZEMARSHMALLOWBLOOMFAIRYWISPSCHMOODGECOSY.WELL THAT'S IT FOR NOW FOLKS TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MORE SOFT TALK I'M OFF TO EAT STONES FOR BREAKFAST NOW.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Presenting - Life among the Ents, a groundbreaking five hour documentary set amongst a family of these mysterious tree creatures wot you first read about in Tolkien. Using innovative and subtle immersive documentary techniques, our crew capture the lifes and loves of the Ents in a way never before possible.

In the first hour, we introduce ourselves to some typical Ents.

In the second hour, the emotional drama attains an intense climax as several leaves fall to the ground.

In the third hour, there is an unexpected revelation. We're not telling you what it is, but let's just say it's almost as exciting as that time you watched the grass grow.

In the fourth hour, the excitement reaches a fever pitch, but we also learn more about the food and drink of this ancient people. Hope you like looking at mud!

You won't believe what happens in the fifth and final hour. Okay, maybe you will but.... um.... why are you still watching the film anyway?

Sunday, July 03, 2016

...there was in those times a man travelling through Samaria to get to some area. We do not know which area this was, but we know he was in Samaria, which was some area he needed to go through while he was travelling from some area to some area. And while he was travelling through the same area (Samaria), he met there another man.
"Art thou from Samaria", the traveller asked the man, "or art thou roaming?"
"I am Roman," replied the man, "That is, some area away from Samaria".
"Thou art roaming away from Samaria?" said the first. "Wouldst thou join me?"
"I would stay in Samaria for a night," replied the second.
"Yea, verily," cried the first, "We will leave this same area, Samaria, and at night we shall come upon some area that is not Samaria: for I, too, am roaming."
"But I am Roman", protested the second, "And I would stay in Samaria, for I have business here".
"But why woulst thou stay if thou art roaming? And how couldst thou stay in some area if thou hadst business here? What strange business could it be?"
"Why, a very good business," said the Roman. "I sell fork handles...."

Thursday, June 30, 2016

It's voting time almost in two days except for those who have already postal voted, and I'm happy to say that though the major parties have plenty of policies that are only superficially appealing to serious voters, they have plenty of policies that are seriously appealing to superficial voters. Of which I am one. So, in that spirit of judging a book by its cover, let's hie to their websites now and award them points on a series of completely pointless points that we can point to.

First up, the Liberals: their polices include - um - well - um actually, they have

and what a planny plan it is, by which we will planfully plan our way back to freedom! And I could actually go on to look at the plan in some detail, but remember, we're looking to see policies that are seriously appealing to superficial voters, and I wouldn't want to take this too seriously. So I won't.

WHOA that's way better than Positive Policies and I don't even know what it means! And anyway, too much alliteration is bad for the environment. And now we have reached the end (or perhaps the superfices) of my superficial post.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Pom - an English person.
Pompom - a fluffy ball.
Pomnipotence - infinite power possessed by an English person.
Pompomnipotence - infinite power gained through the wielding of pompoms.
Pompompomnipotence - infinite power gained through the wielding of English pompoms.
Pompompompomtiddlypompomnipotence - singing a meaningless ditty while gaining infinite power through the wielding of English pompoms.

That's all for today, class.

For your homework, I invite you all to submit a picture of a Pompominatrix. Thank you for your time.