Thursday, June 10, 2010

I think I've finally had the epiphany I've been searching for..For years almost...

And I'm going to try and make this make as much sense as humanly possible...Everyone has their own world.Their own private place between mind and earth that constitutes as their own world. Nothing can interfere with it, and based on our distinct personalities nothing can deviate us from this "world" we create for ourselves once its established. We can enter it, at will, with or without prompt.And I'm starting to feel that in a small part, people lose part of their mentally stability when they lose a sense of their world.

For example, you always hear stories about women who have been divorced who half of them say, after their husbands left them..they just weren't able to go on. To me, this is because when you love someone, you incorporate them as part of your world. Sometimes, we love people so much that they become your whole world and when things unfortunately in some cases fall apart, there it all goes..your world, has now collapsed. You've 100% lost all sense of YOURSELF.The unique, dynamic individual that is yourself, and what you like, your hobbies, your talents, etc.Marriage has caused one of the parties to conform FULLY to the others world, and that's not a healthy marriage. Marriage is two whole individuals that come together to further bring out the good in one another, not the horrible misconception that one party is incomplete and needs the OTHER person in order to be whole. God has already made each and every last one of us, whole.

Then, there's a healthy world. A world composed of your own hobbies, desires, talents. These things are simply, your own. Not one human on this earth can take it away from you. Christina Aguilera has always described her "world" as singing..whenever her father would beat her or her mother, she would retreat to her room and sing and it transports her mind to another place. This talent, is part of her world..the only way to remove this is if someone were to hold her down and remove her vocal cords.

What I am realizing, after many a tear shed, is that my mental instability is caused by an absence of a world. I'm actually a very talented artist, and whenever I had a moment's worth of free time on my hands, I would have a pencil in hand. My focus in high school was art. My mother has pictures that I've drawn since age 3, and kept them because she saw something in them that might suggest the talent. I started song writing at age 12. If I wasn't drawing, I was song writing. In the midst of my last relationship, my last job, my arrest..I think over the last 4 years, I've lost sense of my world. I think I've been so consumed in one person as well as several negative events that I've truly lost sense of my world.

I drew for the first time in years...last week.I can't tell the last time I've written a song. You know what else dawned on me?I like to cook...a lot. I hate being commanded to do it, but me..at my own will, I have a blast cooking. I can't hula hoop. I want to be able to hula hoop as well as any 7 year old girl. When's the last time I've rode a bike? Or sat on a swing? Dancing is something else I've always been really good at, since childhood..why aren't I in a dance school? I want to take pole dancing lessons more than anything..and I want to get super excellent at it. I used to enjoy working out, and did Taebo twice a day..now, I loathe the idea. For a long time, I only listened to neo-soul and alternative rock..only. I can't remember the last time I listened to either.Drawing soothes me, it keeps my mind off of emotional eating and thinking about things outside of my control..which also is the same effect when I'm cooking. I love Japanese. Everything about the culture and the language. And I love writing in this blog.

My whole world now, is worry. I stay home, inside my own head, and cry endlessly. Panic over all the things I can and cannot control. The only thing I've been consistent with in the last 3 years, has been this very blog.I've been a part of everyone's world except my own.This idea that to fix all my own problems, get past my own things, to get someone like me, all these things in order to adapt I had to become part of your world.

And I've been doing this unconsciously for years...So I've spent so much time conforming to what is going on situation wise as well as to who I was dating that I've lost 308% of who I am..what I like...what I want.

So that's just it..when I'm alone, no one or nothing to conform to..no stereotypes, or ideals to live up to or fulfill there's nothing.I'm empty.I let everything drain out over the years.And there's nothing left...just traces of things that used to exist that consisted of the definition of me.So I now see where the true problem lies......

I have to build my own world, my own sanctuary that consists solely of me. I have to rebuild upon what I've lost, and add onto what exists so that a world in full is established.So no matter who may come or go in my life, or what situation befall me..I will always be a part of my own world.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

My anger levels are becoming unstable again.I'm getting upset, but more importantly reacting loudly again to things I disagree with in the form of lashing out against people I love.

I'm quick to say, "why don't you love me, when I make me so damn easy to love"{-Beyonce} however, when you're the most opinionated person on planet Earth..yeah, you're not so easy to love anymore.

I'm in a hard position.

The All-Star has the newest presence in my life, and hasn't seen all aspects of me, nor I've seen all aspects of him. Things that are knowledgeable to others, my best friend we'll say, aren't knowledgeable to him as yet.I feel like I'm taking a step backwards, as opposed to the forward motion I always want to take with him because I love him more than anything. The things I used to fight with her about, regularly at one point in time...my opinionated nature, my high levels of sensitivity, inability to move quickly forward from a disagreement..I'm now going through the wringer with him about.

Don't get me wrong, we've been beyond blissful, and it sometimes makes me wonder if I'm finally experiencing a love so wonderful because I've been hurt so much in the past..however, when we DO disagree, though seldom, it's huge. And, it happens to be everything that I've ever argued with my best friend about regarding my personality.Though I've gotten substantially better, and people openly admitted they were tiring of me "going boom, like an 808"{-Blaque} I have hope. As saddened as I am in this moment that him and I aren't speaking..I know that its only 1 day. This isn't the end of us in the least.

Though I argued once upon a time with my best friend about all these subject matters, her and I have the strongest bond that two best friends can have. She knows me inside & out, backwards and forwards. Any reaction, statement, almost anything that comes out of me she KNOWS where it stems from or why it could've been phrased in a particular manner. She knows more than half the things that will come out of my mouth before I even say them, especially in the midst of a disagreement. The fact that her and I, our past disagreements..and some of them, earth-shattering, has gotten us to the point that absolutely nothing can break us gives me the biggest blinding light of hope for him and I.

For if they both only knew, how exactly alike they are..To him, these are new arguments, to me..these are past memories I'd rather not rehash.

But the same indestructible bond she and I have, him and I will have...with time of course.And it'll help if I can keep my explosions under a bit better degree of control..

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I'm spending a little time researching the "Fear of Success". So far it doesn't have a "phobia" title, such as "claustrophobia" or "arachnophobia" but it's actually very, very real. It's stems in part from a fear of the future, what one may lose by progressing forward in life and issues with self-forgiveness where the person reminds themselves of their failures constantly.

"The fear of success is a very unique issue that arises when you are genuinely creating change and moving forward in your life," says Ti Caine, a hypnotherapist and life coach..

To create and sustain success it is essential to find and release your fears of success. The more you leave the task undone, the more your fears will control you. "it's the monster in the closet," says Caine. "And it gets bigger."

Fears of success tend to cluster around several issues. One of the core fears that arise from change is that success will lead to loneliness. Women especially fear success because they are afraid that being powerful enough to create the life they want will render them unlovable. Sometimes people fear success will mean being attacked by enemies, or besieged by others wanting money or other things from them.

Many women fear success at losing weight because becoming more attractive to others could jeopardize the love and the life they have or create situations they do not know how to handle.

Some fears of success are easy to release because they will probably never happen, such as fears of losing it all and becoming a bag lady. But some are real. When you change, the relationships around you will be forced to change. Some friends will always cheer you on. But others are steeped in jealousy and will denigrate you for moving forward.

But in everything I'm reading, there's a lot about self-sabotage and then the cycle of anger with yourself for that sabotage.

There are three essential parts to self-forgiveness. We must:

1. acknowledge the commission of an objective wrong and accept responsibility for that wrong, 2. experience feelings of guilt and regret, and finally 3. overcome these feelings (i.e., self-forgiveness), and, in doing so, experience a motivational change away from self-punishment toward self-acceptance.

I'm realizing that I don't get to step 3...And because of that "I'm trying to do better, but only do good enough"-Drake

So just like my last entry regarding the Discipline Principle, I'm realizing how severely I lack it. I have a completion issue. I truly do and what many people don't realize is that there's a strength in looking inside yourself and admitted that something is incorrect. The follow up to that though must be to correct it.

So, like I was saying I most definitely have a completion issue. What I think is the shocking and worst part of it is, is that I fear being successful as badly as I may want to be. I think I'm afraid of having everything I've ever dreamed of...and losing it all. By never completing anything I've been passionate about it has no chance of growing into some asset that can be taken from me. I mean, I'm half living with the man of my dreams and sometimes I ponder a breakup because I'm petrified to lose him the deeper our love gets.I've sabotaged job interviews for myself. I've stopped all efforts behind www.shoesfromlastnight.com & http://dulcedecocoa.bigcartel.com. Two amazing ideas that could've (& maybe still could be) been highly profitable and I froze them. Yes, in part due to work and time restraints, but you'd think such an amazing idea I would jump at the chance to keep pressing forward with them.

Like...I don't know what my problem is..Well, I mean I know what the fuck my problem is but you get the drift..

How did I even come to be this way? I'm stressed out by my lack OF success, so why am I doing things to keep myself paralyzed from gaining success? Is it a form of an OCD disorder? Is it something that I personally can fix or do I need assistance of some sort..I'm very curious as to how I've become this way, but despite my curiosity, I don't really have time to dig as to why I may only have time to figure out the escape route.So to sum it up: I'm unemployed, real estate license-less, gained a little more weight and haven't done my physical 7-day detox kit- all the above planned last week.

I need to regroup and actually get to life work, and finish the job....