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CAMBRIDGE, MA - On Sunday, as Harvard students filled the Yard to watch Kiiara and Bazzi perform at Yardfest, the Divest Harvard and Harvard Prison Divestment Campaigns held a rally with a record breaking number of people in attendance. The high turnout was not actually in support of the divestment effort, but rather in an effort to shut down the music festival, as the divestment groups had done to President Larry Bacow’s talk earlier in the week.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- The Tercentenary Theater was a sight to see this past Sunday afternoon, as linguists swarmed the yard to tackle the most pressing intellectual caper in the department's history. Their quest? Deceptively simple. Deduce the missing vowels in CEB’s tastefully yet confusingly abbreviated moniker for the day’s revelry: YRD FST.

Earlier this year, Quincy House tutor Adam M. Quincifeld heard something strange. A former tutor pointed out that Harvard had been churning out dweebs, dorks, and pointdexters for centuries, but the House had produced total fucking nerds almost every year for the past decade — a number that dwarfed other houses’ totals by a mile. (Not that any Quincy residents have run one, of course.)

It has come to our attention that current policy requiring gap years for those who are not in good academic standing has fallen under scrutiny. We have considered these several reports in addition to plentiful feedback from students. The Ad Board has convened to determine the best path forward. By unanimous vote, the Ad Board has determined the best policy is not to give a Single Flying Fuck about your mental health.

I write to you in need of assistance. At this very moment, Chunky Mephistopheles is on the roof of the Carpenter Center casting what I assume is a spell of destruction and I worry that this will anger my Resident Dean.

Any iota of advice you could give me is very welcome. I have nicknamed the spirit “Girthy Bob” at his repeated insistence, and Girthy Bob has already purchased every Marlboro cigarette in a seven mile radius. I am unsure if this is relevant, but perhaps it inspires sympathy in College administrators. If you could let me know, that would be great.

CAMBRIDGE, MA.— Dean of Harvard Admissions William R. Fitzsimmons was surprised to note that Yale had been offered more money over the past few admission cycles from overeager parents attempting to bribe their kids into the school than Harvard had. According to eye witnesses, when Dean Fitzsimmons read the Justice Department report, he seemed perplexed and mumbled “$400,000…?”

EARTH - Earlier this week, the entirety of the human species collectively cringed following an announcement from Grays freshman Sarah McKay, in which she revealed her plans to block with her boyfriend of two months, Chris Summers ‘22. “I just think Chris would make a great addition to our group,” she declared, hours before the blocking deadline.

Responses to Sarah’s decision have been coming in from around the globe. In an unprecedented move of unity, the governments of all 193 member states of the UN released a joint statement titled ‘Alright, Who’s Gonna Tell Her?’

b) It depends on what I’m reading: on Nietzsche days it’ll be a ristretto (that’s un café serré to those unfamiliar with Italian) but if I’m reading someone more decadent — Baudelaire for example — then perhaps I’d pair my scholarship with a half Allen Likes it Grilled and a soy milk London Fog.

Harvard University has been closely monitoring the progress of the winter weather event that is expected to arrive later tonight. We are expecting 2-4 inches of snow, and a more difficult than usual commute.