Monthly Archives: September 2010

The Bureau Of Land Management: God’s Barren Bounty

“Oh my! Sorry, but I didn’t see you there, children. I’m a Dick In a Tie! I hope you’ve been learning a lot since the last time we talked!

“And I also want to say “Thanks” to all you great kids for filling out your OligarCo Swell Times Birthday Club Cards! All of us here at the ol’ shop are looking forward to celebrating your birthdays this year. And so are our fine pals at your friendly Draft Board, who, we forgot to mention, co-sponsored the Swell Times Birthday Club. Say ‘Hi!’ fellas!”

“See you soon, kids.”

“Anyway! Enough jawing on! It’s time for learning!”

“Siiiiigh….”

“Billy? Is that you, Billy!? Say, Billy, what’s got you down today, huh? Has Jack Kerouac been giving your classmates marihuana cigarettes again? It’s okay, Billy, we can just add that to his special file here…”

“No, it’s not that Mr. Dick, it’s just that – Well, my back yard’s all crumby and I have nowhere to play after school.”

“Well that’s not swell, Billy, but what could be so bad about it? Did your parents park the trailer next to the pet semetery again?!”

“No! Worse! I mean, I live in a pretty bad neighborhood and it’s real dangerous to go outside. Golly! Just look at it!”

“Cripes! Yikes! I like Ikes! Billy! That’s terrible! But I’ll tell you what let’s do: why don’t we let you play in America’s backyard today? Why don’t we visit the Bureau of Land Management!”

“You mean? You mean you’re taking me out to all of that barren wasteland in the desert the government doesn’t know what to do with? where all those missing cartel members were unearthed last year?! Swell!”

“That’s right, Billy! Follow me!” *PWISH!*

“This is it, the moon!”

“That’s no moon, Billy, that’s millions and millions of acres of New Mexico’s own freedom country – BLM Land!

“You see, The Bureau of Land Management, or the BLM, is responsible for taking care of literally MILLIONS of acres of land out west. The socialists back in Washtington, saw fit to give them a budget to do things like ‘patrol’ and make sure it ‘doesn’t catch on fire’ or become ‘infested with mutants’ but the spending on these lands amounts to a pittance, just pennies an acre. Its pitiful budget and its remote, hellish landscape make it the perfect utopia for freedom-loving Americans! And poisonous insects. Lots and lots of poisonous insects…”

“But what would anyone want to *do* out there?”

*Hoonnnk! Hooooonk!*

“What was that?”

“That schoolbus full of white guys? That’s the annual Ayn Rand fanclub outing to BLM land. They’re going out here to celebrate her body of work by not paying taxes and raping children.”

“Golly! It seems like anything can happen out here!”

“That’s right, Billy, and most of what does go on out here can fill an AM radio conspiracy talk show for the next decade!

“You see, in the 1940s most of the state of New Mexico was like a giant petri dish for the federal goverment. New Mexico was the dumping grounds for all kinds of Cold War weapons programs. What, from nuclear bombs, to wasps that were made out of electricity to a fog that turns people gay – the BLM lands are literally teeming with the horrible failed experimentations of the military industrial complex.”

*clankclankclank*

“What was that?”

“That’s an example of what I was just talking about! Snugglebot! Let’s see what he’s up to.

“Snugglebot, what is your primary directive?”

*TO SNUGGLE!*

“That’s precious!”

“Eh, I wouldn’t get too close there. Snugglebot was actually designed to be airdropped into Russian villages and Snuggle all the children he saw.”

“What’s so bad about that?”

“Snugglebot, what is your primary subroutine?”

*cancercancercancercancercancercancercancer* Zzzzt!

“Best steer clear of that needle, Billy!”

“Yeesh, that was close!”

“No kidding, Billy! Yep, the government thought Snugglebot was actually a little too grim to unveil during an election year, so they scrapped the program. But thanks to the Bureau of Land Management he has literally the rest of his nuclear-powered battery life to fulfill his secondary directive – picking up all of the rocks on the eastern side of the BLM lands and making them a mirror image of the western side!”

*Clang! Clang! Clang!*

“Mister, Snugglebot’s trying to stick himself with the needle!”

“Let’s move on, Billy! How are you enjoying yourself so far?”

“Why is my hair falling out, Mister?”

“Oh! Psssh! That! I forgot to tell you. The deserts of New Mexico are a literal goldmine for naturally-occurring radioactive alloys! Neat, huh? We’re at the fun part of the trip now, Billy! Here, take, this official OligarCo Swell Times pickaxe and – Oh!- there are your new friends now. Have fun, Billy, I’m going to hop in this Jeep so I can catch my tee time with Richard Nixon and some of his Bohemian Grove buddies. Remember, the last one to mutate wins an official OligarCo model rocket set! Fill up those mine carts, kids! Have fun!”