10 signs you've watched too much The Apprentice

Watching television, as we can attest to, is a fast-track to becoming a rounded and valuable member of society; but there are side-effects. To help you decide if you've become a little too involved with this year's The Apprentice, we've compiled a list of telltale symptoms.

The Apprentice continues on Wednesdays at 9pm on BBC One

Adding suspense

When you get home at night you try to create an atmosphere of suspense for your girlfriend — have you returned or not? — by sending the dog in first and then pausing before you walk through the door.

Dissecting your life

For every two hours of your life, you have to spend another hour discussing it in front of a live audience with a presenter, a journalist and some people who, last year, did what you did in those two hours.

Increased insecurity

You take a little wheelie suitcase with you to work every day, just in case you get sacked.

A painful loss of grammar

You begin every sentence with, “I personally believe myself that…”

An even more painful loss of adjectives

You find that the extent of your vocabulary’s adjectives is limited to “brilliant”, “fantastic” and “stunning”, with the occasional “absolutely” or “literally” if you’ve used the others too readily earlier in the day.

Diffusion of responsibility

You won’t make anyone a cup of tea unless they say, categorically, for the record, that it was their idea to have a cup of tea and if the cup of tea happens to be below standard then they are responsible. However, if the tea happens to be amazing, you insist on taking the credit.

The complete loss of dignity

If you offer to make them that cup of tea and they say no, you shed all traces of dignity and beg them for the chance to make them a cup of tea, saying that, while your tea may not be perfect, you have the potential to be moulded into exactly the kind of tea-maker they want.

Oversharing

Whenever you describe a friend or colleague, you talk about what they’re like “behind the scenes”.

Second face syndrome

You spend all day slagging off your colleagues before giving them a hug as you leave in an empty gesture of “all’s fair".

A penchant for dramatic farewells

When the pub closes and you’re asked to leave you thank the landlord “for the opportunity” and refuse to make eye contact with anyone else in the room.

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Andrew Dickens

Andrew Dickens is freelance writer and Contributing Editor at ShortList, from where he has recently been paroled after serving a 10-year term for crimes against good taste. Twitter: @andrewdickens Instagram: @andrewdickens