Bush Declares 'Science Is Evil'

In an astonishing outburst against contemporary scientific methodology, President Bush has denounced its practice as ‘heretical’ and its practitioners as an ‘organization of ontological opponents of order’. The President brushed aside decorum and referred to modern science as the ‘biggest threat to an intelligent, enlightened, thinking culture since Aydolph Hilter’. As far as science has given mankind power over the environment, it had also diminished our sense of morality, so that we now had ‘the ethical characteristics of insects such as the spider’, and, because of the impersonal nature of the scientific method, had ‘reduced our dreams, hopes and aspirations to the level of epiphenomena residing on the fringes of human behavior, and that’. Mr. Bush was speaking before an audience of delegates to the Fiftieth Annual Congress on Scientific Advancement and Technological Innovation in Buckwheatsville, Missouri. He likened modern-day scientists to ‘an axis of amoral and abysmal acolytes of abhorrent attitudes’, and ‘geeks’. Looking agitated, and continually referring to his notes, he called for a ‘resurgence of rigorous rules of rectitude and righteousness’. Periodically adjusting his tie and sweating profusely, the President complained of ‘the quasi-phenomenological intrusions of existential pseudo-philosophies into the domain of theological and dialectical non-materialism’, and the overuse in science of ‘fancy theories, big words and hard sums’. After a pause during which the President received treatment for his twitch - and appeared to dispense with the use of his notes - he went on: “Fellow Americans: In this country we place in high esteem the good old-fashioned values of our fathers and their begatters. We know what’s good, and what’s good for our children’s children. Alice Cooper has no place in this land of ours. In the words of George Washington, ‘I done stole no apple; me and Huck was just waitin’ for Injun Joe’. Goodnight”. After being helped from the stage the President rejoined his entourage, pausing on his way out to shake the hands of a group puzzled vagrants setting up camp for the night, with an inducement to ‘give them one for me, boys’. A spokesperson for the hospital declined to comment.