MARIUS & COSETTE
A teaspoon of some xanthan gum
And still it tastes like...baking soda

EPIPEN
One more dairy substitute

MARIUS & COSETTE
Will I ever eat again?

EPIPEN
Drinking oat milk from a carton

MARIUS & COSETTE
What I'd give for pizza pie

EPIPEN
Now I spend my days confused

MARIUS & COSETTE
Or a slice of beef on rye...

EPIPEN
Wond'ring how you milk an oat

VALJEAN
It's so good to see you, Quinoa!
You're the protein source I chose
Still, you look as if I've seen ya
Coming out of someone's nose

MARIUS & COSETTE
Flax instead of eggs
Try to make it whip
Now what do we use
Instead of chocolate chips?
Carob doesn't work
Carob is a trap
Anyone who's had it
Knows it tastes like crap!

VALJEAN & EPIPEN
When the hell is this stuff dated?

MARIUS & COSETTE
Burned and bloated day and night

VALJEAN & EPIPEN
Why's it smell like something died?

COSETTE
What on earth is "lecithin"?

MARIUS
Love, I fin'ly defecated!

EPIPEN
This does not feel like a bun...

ALL
Do you hear the people sneeze
And cough and wheeze
From allergies?

VALJEAN
One grain more!

MARIUS
(simul)
So I added wheat -- I'm sorry
We still had some left in stock
Nothing says "it's time to party"
Like anaphylactic shock
So I guess this must be Quinoa
It's not so gross, I suppose
Still it looks as if I've seen ya...

COSETTE
(simul)
Will I ever eat again?
What if there's a trace of tree nuts?
Someone get my Epi-pen
I'm not supposed to breathe in peanuts!

EPIPEN
(simul)
Have you ever milked an oat?
Guess it's better than a goat
Try a little nog
Smoother than a silk
Even though it's made
Of neither eggs nor milk!
Have another roll
Harder than a rock
Better hold your breath,
Because it tastes like-

Friday, January 4, 2013

I have been on the mindful eating journey for about four years now. I can't believe it's been that long already. As my readers know, I initially viewed mindful (or intuitive) eating as a way to ultimately lose weight and indeed it did result in an approximately 10% weight loss over about two or three months. Since then, my goal of intuitively eating down to a more socially acceptable weight (yes, dieting, though by another name) has evolved into the realization that I will be much healthier and happier focusing on healthy practices at the weight I am at NOW (which is about half-way between where I started in January 2009 and the 10% loss) rather than longing for a size that I can only reach through strictly adhering to what I consider disordered eating practices (aka, dieting).

In the past four years, I have become much more attuned to my hunger and satiety patterns while coming to enjoy physical activity to the best of my somewhat limited abilities. I do what I can and try not to compare my arthritic, orthopedically challenged body to that of a younger, less damaged body (my thoughts regarding the pediatric orthopedists and the treatments they prescribed to me as a child and how these treatments contributed to my unfortunate condition today cannot be expressed in a "family" blog...).

So far, so good.

However, my blogging and blog reading over the past four years have led me to wander down paths and develop food fears that I must now fight every day. Based on all the reading I've done, most food is POISON and I'm clearly poisoning myself on a daily basis (yes, I'm being sarcastic).

I regularly eat poisons such as dairy, whole grains, nightshade vegetables, bananas, legumes, red meat, high cacao chocolate, wine. It is truly frightening. It would seem that most food, unless it's been sanctioned by the paleo/ancestral/low-fat/no-carb/nightshade vegetable hit squad is BAD BAD BAD, not mention HORRIBLY DANGEROUS DANGEROUS DANGEROUS.

If someone, forty years back, had looked at what I ate on this typical day, they probably wouldn't have batted an eyelash. And no doubt in forty years time, the food police will have found other foods that are bound to kill us before we know what's hit us.

Meanwhile, back at my ranch (so to speak), I continue to mindfully eat a wide variety of foods, in reasonable quantities and avoid an undue reliance on highly processed products. These are my choices. I also continue to fight the voices of FEAR FEAR FEAR that permeate today's food landscape though sometimes the continuous fear mongering makes me practically sick to my stomach.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I follow film maker and all-round muckraker extraordinaire Michael Moore on Facebook. What follows below is a post he made a few days ago. Yes, it's long, but well worth the read. What an inspiration!

I am now in Week 42 of my walks. Each day, 30
minutes, that's it. Thousands of you have joined me since that Sunday
night on March 18 when, as a joke, I said I was going for a walk. I had
read that morning in the paper that there were now more people in the
U.S. on anti-depressants than those who go to the movies. I tweeted out
that maybe that's the problem -- perhaps if people got out and went to
the movies more they might feel better. This unleashed a lively
conversation about mood-altering drugs, the lousy movies these days in
theaters, the rip-off prices for 3D films, etc. Finally, someone wrote:
"Sometimes I think what I need is just a brisk walk." I tweeted, "Hey,
there's an idea! I'm putting my shoes on right now." I went out and came
back home after 30 minutes -- and a few hundred of you had amazingly
joined me where you live. So I went walking the next night, probably out
of some sort of obligation because so many had written to say "please
let's do it again tonight!" So I did. And the night after that. By the
end of the week it was hard to determine how many thousands were now
going out with me on these "virtual walks" in hundreds of cities and
towns, but it had taken off like a rocket and so we all went walking
every night from that point on.

Now it's 250 days later. What a
simple, great idea that person had! Some have asked, "Why are we
walking?" "What's the cause?" There is no cause other than to go for a
walk. We do it just because it feels good. We do it because we can. We
do it because it's free and it takes no time. All you need to know is
how to put one foot in front of the other (or, for the disabled who've
joined in, by any means necessary). It's the perfect slacker/schlub
activity.

I am often asked "How much weight have you lost from
all this walking?" For a while I didn't understand the question. I mean,
why would I want to lose anything? I have enough trouble finding my
keys! Then I got it -- skinny people (1/3 of the country) want us, the
majority, to be like them. That's so nice of them.

But the
truth is, exercise does not work, diets do not work, feeling crummy does
not work. Nothing works. My advice: Quit trying to be something you're
not, be happy with the life you've been given, and just go for a
pleasant walk outside. With me. Wherever you are. Get off the treadmill,
stop drinking diet Coke, throw out all the rules. It's all a scam and
it conspires to keep you miserable. If it says "low-fat" or "sugar-free"
or "just 100 calories!" throw it out. Remember, one of the main tenets
of capitalism is to have the consumer filled with fear, insecurity, envy
and unhappiness so that we can spend, spend, spend our way out of it
and, dammit, just feel better for a little while. But we don't, do we?
The path to happiness - and deep down, we all know this -- is created by
love, and being kind to oneself, sharing a sense of community with
others, becoming a participant instead of a spectator, and being in
motion. Moving. Moving around all day. Lifting things, even if it's
yourself. Going for a walk every day will change your thinking and have a
ripple effect. You'll find yourself only eating when you're truly
hungry. And if you're not hungry, go clean your room, or have sex, or
call a friend on the phone. Without knowing it, you'll starting eating
like the French (there is no French word for "fast-food") -- and you
will feel better. You do not feel better admonishing yourself or beating
yourself up or setting up a bunch of unrealistic rules and goals with
all the do's and dont's that are just begging to be broken. You wanna
know something? I eat ice cream every friggin' day. I drink a regular
Coke every single day. I put butter on things. But I also walk every
day. Some days now, I walk twice. And now I've started to do some
push-ups and lifting stuff. It's building muscle, and in doing so, has
created an extra furnace to burn stuff and create energy. Weird! That,
in turn, makes me sleep 7-8 hours a night which is another game-changer.
And all the walking and lifting makes me thirsty, so that makes me
drink more water -- another huge plus!

So, you can see from
the photo of me up in the box that something has changed. I have no idea
how much weight I've lost and I don't care. I don't care about that or
diets or home gym equipment or rules about what I can or cannot eat or
anything other than making sure I go on my walk today. That's it. That's
the big secret. It costs nothing. I feel great. I can see my feet!
There they are! Hello, feet! Wanna go for a walk? The feet say YES! Ask
yours right now. And if you want, join me. But do NOT go on that walk
with me if you are doing so to "get fit", "be healthy", or "lose
weight". You are fine just the way you are. Only walk outside with me
right now because you know it might just feel good, because it's a
beautiful day, or someone is joining in with you, the fresh air is
invigorating, you have to drive down to the drug store but you realize
you can walk there, or simply because it's just nice to be alive for one
more day. Walk to walk and nothing else -- and the other stuff will
take care of itself.