Think

Are you a victim of the Abilene Paradox?

On a recent visit to the U.S., I accompanied my father to his weekly discussion group. Sitting on the periphery of the circle, I listened as 25 people, mostly non-Jews, debated the week's topic: the Abilene paradox.

Taking its name from the Texan town of Abilene, the term describes a situation in which a group of people collectively choose to do something that none of them privately wants to do.

The background story goes like this: One summer afternoon, four family members are sitting on the porch in 104-degree weather, when one suggests they drive to Abilene, 54 miles away, for dinner. Despite the car's lack of air-conditioning, the second one says, "Great idea," the third says, "Fine with me," and the fourth says, "Sure, let's do it." They take the long, hot ride, eat what turns out to be lousy food, and return four hours later exhausted. Only then do they discover that none of them wanted to go – the first suggested it because he thought the others might be bored, and the others went along because each thought it was what everyone else wanted.

The Abilene paradox is a form of groupthink in which people are more concerned with avoiding conflict than with arriving at the optimal decision.

All 31 of the engineers working on the Challenger privately opposed its launch – yet somehow the decision to launch it was made.

One famous case in which the Abilene paradox may have been operative, much discussed by the group, was NASA's decision to launch the Space Shuttle Challenger in 1987. Seventy-three seconds into flight, the Challenger broke up and crashed into the Atlantic, killing its seven-member crew. Upon investigation, it was discovered that all 31 of the engineers working on the project had privately opposed its launch – yet somehow the decision to launch it was made.

I listened as the moderator gave each person in turn the opportunity to express his or her opinion. Most believed that the Abilene paradox stemmed from a flawed organizational culture – one that expects people to defer to a superior, that overly promotes being a team player, or that discourages opposition.

But there was something everyone seemed to be overlooking. As the group was about to conclude, I raised my hand.

"I actually find this whole discussion very humorous," I told them. "I live in Israel, and believe me, Israelis have no problem voicing dissent. Do you know what Knesset proceedings are like? It seems to me that the Abilene paradox could occur only in a society of very polite gentiles." Everyone burst out laughing.

The truth is, the Abilene paradox could occur only in a society in which not wanting to be different takes precedence over believing in yourself.

Following your own guiding star is a particularly great challenge for teens and young adults. Take, for example, the college campus hook-up scene. Researchers have found that neither men nor women are as comfortable with it as they seem. Part of the reason why hooking up is nevertheless so rampant is "pluralistic ignorance": although neither party may want to hook up, each believes the other does, so succumbing to perceived peer pressure, they do. (1) Many college students are simply afraid to say, "I don't want to," for fear of social ostracism. Yet if they did, the research indicates they'd find more sympathizers than they expected.

Jews have been able to change the world precisely because, when necessary, we’ve been willing to be non-conformists, even iconoclasts.

Bowing to social pressure (which unfortunately follows many of us into adulthood) rubs against the Jewish value of thinking for yourself. Jews have been able to change the world precisely because, when necessary, we’ve been willing to be non-conformists, even iconoclasts (remember Abraham smashing the idols?). No matter how far we may stray from it, individuality remains the Jewish ideal.

But try telling a young person, "You're smart – don't do what your friends are doing! Listen to yourself!" More often than not, it doesn't work. Nancy Reagan's anti-drug campaign slogan, "Just Say No" was based on the naïve belief that any typical teenager who thinks about the dangers of drugs will be able to muster the strength it takes to swim upstream. The fact is, too many can't.

Yet just think what would happen if we had that belief in ourselves. Or if one of those 31 NASA engineers had the temerity to stand up, bang on the table, and shout that the Challenger cannot be launched.

So here’s what I suggest to teens and young adults who deep inside want to follow their own hearts and minds rather than those of the crowd. Remember:

1) God gave you your brain; use it. If you were given a new Porsche, would you let it sit in the driveway while you borrow a friend's '97 Ford? You have a first-rate mind – don't let it sit in the wings while letting others make your decisions for you.

2) Despite the powerful force of peer pressure, at the end of the day you will be left standing all alone carrying the burden of all your unwise choices. Wouldn't it be nicer to enter the post-college world without that baggage? Yes, it’s challenging in the short term, but think how you’ll feel in the long term.

3) Believe it or not, people will respect you for standing up for your beliefs if you do it with confidence and integrity. Beyond all the apparent superficiality in this world, people are a lot deeper and more real than we give them credit for. Deep down they’ll admire you for sticking to your guns.

Following a visit to Israel, a Chinese school principal commented that the Jews there were willing to "overturn the world if need be" in questioning and challenging authority. (2) Jews indeed have overturned the world, and others have as well. Wherever and whenever necessary, let's be willing to do it again.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 24

(14)
Shoshana-Jerusalem,
August 16, 2016 11:51 AM

purity before marriage, not intermarrying and remaining frum

Jewish girls and boys have to learn to say "no" to peer pressure to live around. Let them start a movement. Let them be proud to say, "I'm waiting for my wedding night".. In Hebrew it's called "shomer negeia" . "I don't touch."

Also, be brave enough to say that you only want to date Jews, because if not, you will probably wind up marrying a non-Jew.Decide that you don't want to intermarry, don't want to brake your link in the chain of Judaism.. They'll say you are a raciest?Tell them, "I am not a raciest. I simply want to remain part of my Jewish family"..Anyway, why should it bother the non-Jewish world if we don't want to intermarry? There are plenty of non-Jews our there for them. It could be that they realize that intermarriage is the destruction of Judaism. For two thousand years that has been their goal. Inquisitions. Crusades. Pogroms. the Holocaust. The E.U. Intermarriage is their last resort. And there are still proud and informed Jews who dare say "no", who dare to continue to exist as Jews.

Some people here have commented about going along with the Orthodox community and not having your own individuality. There is plenty of room for individuality- doctors, lawyers, writers, etc. But there is, of course, no room for going against our Holy Torah, given to us by H-shem on Mt. Sinai, in front of about three million witnesses. Choose the path you want- Litvish, Chasidish, This yeshiva or that one. This rav or that one. But always stay in the path of a real Torah observing Jew, without the shortcuts and dilutions.

(13)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2014 8:34 PM

thank you

Thanks.

(12)
Anonymous,
September 24, 2013 1:29 PM

Amazing very true-the young learn the hard way-they are not ready to listen much

(11)
chana@jewishmom.com,
September 24, 2013 1:27 PM

fascinating

thanks gila, this is really interesting. Reminds me of something a wise independent-thinking woman once said, "Do what you want to do...at least then ONE person will be happy."

(10)
Anonymous,
September 24, 2013 5:25 AM

More balance, b'vakasha (please)

A study of our sacred texts, almost any serious study of our sacred texts, makes it clear that the Abilene Paradox is only half the consideration we need to bring in any question of when to buck the crowd. The epitome is from Hillel in Pirkei Avos: "If I am not for myself, who am I. And I am only for myself, what am I. And if not now, when?" All three parts are required to make the whole workable, and anything less is a distortion of our tradition. As a side note, I would hardly tout the Knesses, any more than the U.S. Congress, as a model of effective functionality and-or decision making.

Gila Manolson,
September 24, 2013 3:04 PM

I agree

I agree that other considerations have to play into the decision of when and how loud to open your mouth. But because of the Orthodox world's "infatuation with conformity" (to quote a Jewish Observer writer from several years ago), I wanted to make a strong statement from the other side, as my own way of achieving some "balance."

Sharona,
August 16, 2016 6:12 AM

same here

I was thinking of this exact point while reading your article, though I have never heard of that expression "infatuation with conformity". Thank you for your article!

(9)
Anonymous,
September 24, 2013 4:19 AM

frustrating

Ok, this article was clearly written by someone who did not grow up in mainstream orthodox culture. There is a TON of pressure to fit in, follow leaders, respect undeserving authority. Those who dare to question the axioms, challenge the experts, or step outside the norms are often shunned. Torah is beautiful, and Jewish life has many admirable advantages, but the option of being "out of the box" is really not one of them in most communities.

Gila Manolson,
September 24, 2013 3:00 PM

true, but...

Yes, it's true that being "out of the box" isn't an easy option for most people in today's Orthodox society, and it takes a lot of courage to stand up for what you believe in. But at the end of the day, you're going to have to feel you lived your life, not someone else's. Even if it means waiting until your kids are out of school and married off (which is terribly sad, but may be a reality for many), at some point, you have to do it. To be the vibrant, creative culture it should be, the Orthodox world does NOT need is more sheep.

miriam,
September 24, 2013 6:49 PM

True, but...

I grew up in mainstream orthodox culture and always felt the peer pressure in our schools and communities. However, I was extremely surprised to enter the public school world when I began to work, and find an even GREATER degree of peer pressure. I couldn't believe the lack of individualism and self-thought. I had always said that the secular culture at least has the individualism piece right. Boy am I happy I grew up the way I did.

(8)
Anonymous,
September 23, 2013 6:13 PM

True Beliefs

To all of you who ventured out and became outspoken people of society, may I mention something of some value, for what it is worth from a 70 year old who has been "through the mill" and "around the block" a few times....I used to speak up, always interjecting my thoughts and point of view to my chagrin because no one wanted to hear from a "has been" or a perceived "know it all".. But now I speak in the "third person". with words such as, "I have found through others," or "I have observed this or that". But as soon as you say "I do not agree" or "I am opposed to", you are the one out of line and not a team player. It all comes down to how you relate to others. I do not say that you have to be a coward or afraid to speak up, but you can get more done by giving an example that you have observed from "Others". In this way you are not the Outspoken Jew, later to be shunned by all in secret and sometimes blatantly in public. You are simply stating facts as you have observed them. Isn't it amusing that today we are supposed to be so open and transparent and speak for what is right, but in reality, people don't want anyone to know their business nor are they about to take advice from such low life as they may perceive you pontificating right from wrong, Imagine you telling young people what to do. It is only the young wise person that will listen and ask for more help or explanation. The others are just there for the ride and cover their ineptitude by chiding and criticizing others. Think about it, and maybe try it out for yourselves.

Gila Manolson,
September 24, 2013 4:17 PM

Point well-taken

I think there's much value to what you say. What a shame that we feel we can't speak in the first person--but making the same point in a less confrontative way by speaking "through" others is an excellent alternative. Thanks for the sage advice!

(7)
ilan,
September 23, 2013 2:45 AM

even when one disagrees with what the jewish community believes?

Just wondering whether the author or any reader believes one should act beliefs that differ from "the crowd" if those beliefs are Jewish beliefs. In my experience, thinking for oneself and standing alone has not been commended.

Gila Manolson,
September 23, 2013 6:25 PM

yes

Yes, I do believe that even within the Jewish community, you should speak up and share your point of view, no matter how much it differs from what's "accepted." You should be prudent about how to do this, but the alternative--becoming a sheep--means that no positive changes will ever take place.

Zahava,
September 24, 2013 4:40 AM

Exactly!

In my experience, too, conformity is a major requirement in the frum community. True, Judaism values a questioning orientation -- but only up to a point. Beyond that point, "just do it" is the expectation.

Anonymous,
September 25, 2013 4:53 AM

Speaking up about Jewish beliefs

Ilan:
You cannot just do certain Jewish things because that is what your parents did or that's what you learned in elementary school. Mature people realize that it is important to question and analyze and not just accept anything. BUT, I think a crucial point is that when we have questions about Judaism, we need to realize that those doubts do not give us a right to stop doing what Hashem said to do. We are entitled to question, but not to say, G-d forbid, "this makes no sense, and therefore, I am just gonna do my own thing." Rather, we need to say, "I don't understand such-and-such. I will seek out the answers for myself, but I will not do it in a way of chutzpah."
Good luck with your Jewish journey! It is quite an adventure!

(6)
Yechiel,
September 23, 2013 12:39 AM

what we have in common

As I understand the Torah, G-d gave us a way to go/do things, and the free will to choose. I suggest that we each remember that "I" am as important as the nest person. All that is required is that we find ways to objectively live and work in our society, not to be a robot.

(5)
Anonymous,
September 22, 2013 7:47 PM

This is a perfect article at the perfect time

Thank you for this article. It is so true. It is natural for me to be individualistic and think for myself. It comes natural. But, so many times-especially in Christian circles, jobs, and communities, it has cost me dearly. They respected me, but I seemed to be a target. So, I think it's also not just "group think" but it can be group bullying and mobbing that stops me from independent and critical thinking. So, my goal is to adhere to Judaism yet find new networks which will accept me yet allow me to be myself. I love to think, and I want to share this with others and likewise too. So, sharing is also a form of teamwork yet thinking for oneself is individualistic. I think when both concepts are coupled together that makes for a perfect healthy balance. And, isn't balance what the Talmud wishes us to strive for via the sages teachings? (I am 45 years old.)

Gila Manolson,
September 23, 2013 6:37 PM

balance is crucial

Your point about balance is well-taken. I see the issue like this: We have to be true to ourselves, yet at the same time remain part of the community and not to alienate others. We have to voice our opinions, yet in a way that others will be able to hear them. Being able to do so is the sign that we're not just out to flaunt our individuality but rather are concerned with the good of our society--that we want what we say to have a chance of being accepted so that positive changes can result.

(4)
Ann,
September 22, 2013 4:45 PM

election and re-election

Abilene Paradox is probably how Obama was elected and re-elected. He was never qualified, but somebody suggested him and they followed from there fully knowing he wasn't capable of handling the job.

(3)
Nach Shon,
September 22, 2013 3:01 PM

standng up can cost you your job

realism in USA, being the "devil's advocate" marching to different drummer, swimming upstream, will almost always cost one a promotion, or even their job. The power structure does not like free or inovative thinkers. Ayn Rand,s philosophy rarely plays in any "normal" setting. Unfortunately

Vlad Seder,
September 24, 2013 1:54 PM

Cost of doing your job

Can cost you your job? Losing your job might be the cost of doing your real job - the one you were put in this world for.

(2)
Harry Pearle,
September 15, 2013 6:38 PM

Get a Real Button that Says "NO-NO-NO !"

I have a button that says: NO, in ten different ways. You can buy one from theNObutton.com for $12. I rarely use my NO button, but maybe now I will try to use it more often.......( I also have an EASY button from Staples, to suggest that many worthwhile things can be accomplished beginning with EASY step). Maybe Nancy Reagan was right about JUST SAY NO, but it may be necessary to repeat it over and over, again, perhaps with a sense of humor...THANKS for sharing this great wisdom...

(1)
Abigail,
September 15, 2013 11:04 AM

loved this article and its message

Thank you Mrs. Manolson for yet another outstanding piece of writing. I am reminded of something I read once in Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan's book Encounters, in which he describes a famous psychological experiment where one person, placed in a social setting and unaware he is part of a test, is asked to state what he plainly sees before him. He initially gives the correct answer, but the others in the group (who are acting) say the answer is otherwise, and persist in mocking the person until finally, out of peer pressure, he finally concedes. The results of the experiment found that 9 out of every 10 people would not stand up to the peer pressure but would relent; only person out of every 10 had the courage to persist in maintaining his original answer. This speaks volumes as to the power of environment on the individual, and that it takes an exceptional devotion to truth for one to stand up to others and defend his beliefs come what may.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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