A couple of ways to look at it

Every year on Oct. 1, new laws passed by the Connecticut legislature take effect. Of the ones that took effect in 2005, perhaps the most controversial, was the civil union bill granting same-sex partners identical rights, benefits and protections as

Jennifer Abel

Published
12:00 am EDT, Sunday, October 1, 2006

Every year on Oct. 1, new laws passed by the Connecticut legislature take effect. Of the ones that took effect in 2005, perhaps the most controversial, was the civil union bill granting same-sex partners identical rights, benefits and protections as married couples, at least on the state level.

When Gov. M. Jodi Rell signed the bill into law on April 20, 2005, some hailed it as a milestone on the road to full equality for all citizens. Others viewed it as a threat to marriage.

Those who entered into civil unions with their same-sex partners gained the right to be treated the same as married couples when it comes to taxation, family leave benefits, hospital visitation rights, state assistance and court privileges. However, the law applies only within Connecticut. Outside the state, same-sex couples are not protected by any federal law and laws regarding civil unions vary greatly in other states.

Now Connecticut's law is a year old and couples across the state have reaped the benefits. But many gay and lesbian couples said they won't be satisfied until they gain full marriage rights.

Maria Agramonte-Gomez and her partner, Lidia Agramonte-Gomez, were the first couple in line at Hartford City Hall last Oct. 1 to get a civil union license.

"If Lidia and I are visiting my family in Florida and she had an accident, there's no guarantee I could see her ... that's one reason we joined our [last] names together. I don't care if the hospital thinks we're sisters, as long as they let me visit her," Maria Agramonte-Gomez said.

While all couples are grateful for the legal protections afforded by civil unions, they are also aware that what they have is not legally a marriage.

"If you're married, you can go anywhere in the country and be married still," said Mary Beth Failla, who lives in Middletown with her partner Lori Pelletier. "You don't have to think, I'd like to take a job in another state, but if we move there we won't be married anymore."

Said Pelletier: "Even if civil unions were [legally] identical to marriage, I'd still want to be married. I don't like this separate-but-equal business. It would be like telling African-Americans in the old South, 'Don't complain about separate water fountains! At least you have a fountain!' Well, I think there should only be one fountain."

Plainville residents Randy Sharp and Jeff Blanchette echoed Failla's concern about leaving the state. "We're at the age now where we start thinking about retirement," said Sharp. "Should we be snowbirds spending our winters in Florida? I like that idea, but [our relationship] wouldn't be recognized there."

Even in Connecticut, couples in civil unions have none of the federal rights granted in marriage.

"If I die Randy won't get the Social Security benefits I worked for," Blanchette said. "We can't jointly file our federal income taxes ... even if we got that in civil unions, it's still not marriage. Separate is never equal."

"[Civil unions are] a huge step, but we have many more steps to take," Sharp said.

Many couples hope people will be more accepting of same-sex marriage once they see the effect civil unions have had on Connecticut. Or rather, same-sex marriage advocates hope people will see the lack of effect civil unions have had.

"The sky hasn't fallen. Society hasn't crumbled," Blanchette said. "Straight couples aren't getting divorced so they can have a civil union instead. If your marriage is destroyed because the gay couple next door have a civil union, maybe your marriage wasn't too strong to begin with."

Oct. 1 fell on a Saturday last year, when city halls are usually closed. But a few cities opened their doors to grant civil union licenses that morning. The Agramonte-Gomezes, who live in New Britain, left early to get their license in Hartford, and received the first civil union license ever issued in the state capital. They had their ceremony later that day.

"It was a beautiful ceremony, a wonderful day. We're so glad this law passed," Lidia said.

Not everyone agrees with her. Brian S. Brown is the executive director of the Family Institute of Connecticut, whose mission is "to encourage and strengthen the family as the foundation of society," according to its Web site. The Institute opposes civil unions and same-sex marriage.

"Everyone knows the same-sex civil union bill is meant to be a stepping-stone for marriage," Brown said.

He's right. Most couples in civil unions hope to marry someday, and a group called Love Makes A Family openly declares that its goal is "equal marriage rights for same-sex couples in Connecticut." The group's name states its position: love, not gender, should be the basis of marriage.

"That argument makes no sense," Brown said. "The subjective feeling of love does not define marriage. If I love four people, I can't marry them."

Anne Stanback, president of Love Makes A Family, calls this "a red herring. People made the same arguments when they changed the laws to grant women rights within marriage, or allow interracial marriage ... 'if you allow interracial marriage, what's to stop polygamy?'"

Southington resident Anthony Cervoni is bemused by the controversy surrounding his relationship. Cervoni and his partner Robert Haydasz had their civil union last New Year's Eve.

"It's interesting how this is a political issue," Cervoni said. "To us this is a personal issue. We just want to grow old together ... and make sure we're protected."

Brown admits that no Connecticut marriage is likely to fail as a direct result of civil unions, but he fears the indirect results.

"Same-sex marriage won't affect my marriage or yours, but it will change our [overall] culture, and changing the culture will change marriage."

Brown said that in Norway, marriage rates have gone down since same-sex marriage has been allowed, and he fears this might happen in America.

Stanback has a different view.

"In today's culture, when so many people aren't getting married, allowing couples in stable, committed relationships to get married if they want to will only strengthen the institution."

Stanback calls marriage "more than a bundle of rights. It connotes dignity and respect."

Failla recalls Pelletier's family's reaction upon learning the couple would have a civil union.

"They told me 'welcome to the family.'"

The other couples all had similar stories to tell. But while friends and family have been supportive, many others have not.

"Just yesterday," said Sharp, "I saw a bumper sticker that said 'Protect children, defend marriage.' If you really want to protect children, defend them from bigotry."

"These attitudes are demeaning. Hurtful," Blanchette said. "But I think we've learned to laugh at it. What else can we do?"

Only one state, Massachusetts, allows same-sex marriage, although it is not recognized by the federal government. Vermont also allows civil unions.

"Lori and I love each other," Failla said of her relationship with Pelletier. "We want to take care of each other, we want to grow old and gray together ... isn't that supposed to be the basis of marriage?"

Said Brown: "Marriage is based on a distinction between men and women. Only they can come together to make a child. The connection to child-rearing is the basis of marriage ... obviously, not all married couples have children. But they could. ... Ultimately, we need a free and fair vote on an amendment to the state Constitution to make marriage between a man and a woman."