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Dear Carolyn: My 20-year-old son (Son 1) is a kid who has never given us any
trouble by breaking rules, drinking, doing drugs, etc. He works full time when he is home from
college and is responsible in his job. His money is his own, and he tries to save as much as
possible.

Son 2 also recently started working full time for the summer. Our expectation is that everyone
should share the household chores.

Son 1 leaves his clothes and belongings wherever he happens to be — in the kitchen, the
bathroom, the hallway, etc. He hasn’t unpacked from coming home, and our garage is full of stuff
from his dorm.

He seems to think he can do chores whenever he chooses or apparently not at all.

Son 2 says it isn’t fair that he has consequences when he doesn’t cooperate, although that
rarely happens. Son 2 has also mentioned that his brother gets by without doing anything while he
gets stuck doing more because he cooperates.

I have told Son 1 that if he can’t cooperate without constant reminders and nagging, he will
have to make other living arrangements next summer. He claims this would be “kicking me out because
I won’t clean a bathroom.” I say that “kicking him out” would be to give him 30 days to find other
living arrangements, but we are giving him the opportunity to change his attitude.

What should we do?

— S.

Dear S.: He thinks he scored points with his “kicking me out because I won’t clean
a bathroom” calculation — because you responded by quibbling over the definitions of “kicking out”
versus confronting the laugher at the heart of his argument. That validated his whine as
legitimate.

The response he deserved to hear instead was this: “When you don’t clean a bathroom, your
brother, your father and I do it for you. So, yes, you’re being kicked out for not valuing our time
and comfort as much as you do your own — your brother’s in particular. You have X weeks to turn
this around.”

Don’t remind, nag, warn, badger or argue with him again. If he doesn’t start doing his share on
his own, then follow through with the consequence early next spring.

In the meantime, let him know that any belongings he deposits in common spaces will stay where
they fall if you can stand it, or be moved to a box in the garage. When his last pair of socks ends
up in there, he can fish them out — and wash them — himself.