Friday, September 28, 2007

Review? Get outta here. You don’t pay 100 bucks for films like Resident Evil: Extinction and its creed for artistic pleasures or emotional involvement, do you? Come on, you know as well as I, that twinkle in your eye and that tongue waiting to drool all over the floor means something. Hope is it, to catch something nice, glimpse is it? (Nudge nudge, wink wink). Milla Jovovich, umm?Zombie, no zombie, was it T-virus or Raccoon virus, or Raccoon city or whatever. I don’t have a clue. Sit back (only if the seat is thus) and slouch. Of course, the pleasure derived when a figure as petite as Jovovich kicks royal posterior is diminishing. How much more of Jovovich can one possibly take? Ultraviolet or Resident Evil, who cares? Ms. Jovovich in tights or in hot short pants, giving a stylish glance or too and that is what most teenage fanboys are after. It is all pretty much the same – watching someone else play your Max Payne for you. Only that, the one playing is Ms. Jovovich. If you’re the kind of person who bought the ticket to watch the game, boy, you could not possibly be in a more wrong place. But if you intend to just watch the person who is controlling Mr. Payne, well, you’re in for a rather decent treat. One question, what is the sunscreen lotion Ms. Jovovich was promoting, boy, wasn’t her face radiating. You got to feel for everyone else, the lotion seemed to be in short supply for everyone was having a rough time in the sun.Confession: I’m not that big a fan of Ms. Jovovich and certainly not one of her fanboys. She is a fine actress for a model but Resident Evil is hardly a Shakespeare play. I actually was found here because my building had a power cut in the day. Though Ms. Jovovich is a nice idea on a rather barren day, I would much rather watch Rebecca Stamos play Mystique in one of those X-Men films.Attention, fanboys: They showed a million Ms. Jovovichs incubating in the final scene, some result of a cloning process and all. Whatever. Point of the matter is that you can hope to watch UMJZFF next time around the production companies put together the money, though I hope not. Oh yeah, UMJZKF stands for United Milla Jovovichs Zombie (or whatever) Kicking Force. Okay, it was dumb and unimaginative. I dare, I double dare, I’ll come up with silly stuff as this for another one week. Come on, there isn’t only one virus in the film. And some of them are pretty contagious.Attention, Ladies: Kindly beware the fanboys.The film copies from a number of sources from Night of the Living Dead to Mad Max to The Birds and what not. That is not the point, though. The film copies as if audiences have started watching films this summer. That is not the point too. One question always baffles me though, just like the mystery of the universe. Don’t directors watch their films after making them? I mean, come on, even Forrest Gump knew he wasn’t smart. Why do these directors put laugh-out-loud emotional sequences is out of my comprehension? Don’t they realize, it feels like a cheetah wanting to camouflage itself among a herd of zebras. And that is not the point too. The point is actually that we now have a fair idea how the birds in the upcoming 2009 remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds are going to look like. I honestly feel they really need to pay attention to the story as well. It is a tough act, to remake a great film as The Birds. And yeah, before I forget, there is one more point. Another awful, really awful sequel is coming from the Jerry Bruckheimer house. National Treasure: Book of Secrets. The trailer was enough, I can’t wait for it. The original was dumber, more irksome and considerably less funny than the best efforts of Mr. Bean. I watched it for 10 bucks (front row and all, long story) and still discovered we grossly overpaid for the admission. Boy, looking at those ridiculous serious faces of everyone in the trailer, I had a jolly good time. What the hell is Helen Mirren doing in it, by the way? Strange are the ways of money.By the way just to be clear, absolutely crystal, Resident Evil: Extinction is pointless, baseless and needless (Fanboys wondering here, relax, it is not topless). In short, films can get worse but you need to stoop to Batman and Robin levels. Though it surely is achievable and mankind has proven it time and again, it is a tad difficult too.