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From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1142
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=== 1142 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1142
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2000 00:10:14 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1142
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1137 70 votes cdhia gpp13 3erfb hng86 3grk4 37iuc bjnc5 4hvd5 05nqg 1fxe7
1137 3.0 mean 3.0 2.3 3.2 2.5 3.1 3.6 2.7 3.0 3.8 3.2
--- 1142-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Is it possible to prepare an omelet without breaking the eggs?
>
> MR/2 ICE #20508 * I'm not as dumb as you look.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Of course it's possible! However, it will be most difficult to
} *consume* said eggs if they are not broken. You could try to consume
} them, but my great powers say that you will end up with indigestion and
} a lacerated throat.
--- 1142-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Feeding and entertaining each other seem to be the main jobs of
> humans nowadays. What does this mean?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Getting food and avoiding boredom has been the lifework of humankind
} for some millennia now, supplicant.
}
} I suppose what you mean is "Most munificent Oracle, what is causing the
} vast proliferation of disgusting fast food places and cheesy
} pseudo-entertainment venues in what passes for the modern industrial
} world?"
}
} The answer to *that* question is that people in the modern industrial
} world have gotten fairly good at getting other people to do the dirty
} work of getting foodstuffs for them. No longer does the effete townie
} have to soil his well kept hands (and risk breaking one of his
} fabulously manicured nails) wringing the neck of tonight's chicken. No,
} he merely goes down to his local 24 hour grocery store (closed
} midnite [yes, midnite] to 6 am on Sunday) and picks up some boneless,
} skinless chicken breast which has already been marinated. Either that,
} or he goes out to the new trendy restaurant down the block and orders
} the new salad made with the new trendy lettuce, imported from the new
} trendy country that used to be part of the Soviet block and still
} hasn't quite got the hang of the nuclear waste disposal thing. This
} counts as entertainment, supplicant.
}
} Then, after the salad, which also included baby corn and baby carrots,
} the townie goes back to his fabulously decorated loft apartment in the
} warehouse district and has some interesting moments with the baby oil.
} This also counts as entertainment. Disdaining the wondrous literary
} works his grandparents bought and never read, the townie turns on some
} awful American television show, and thinks himself an intellectual
} because he catches a quarter of the references on "Jeopardy".
}
} Do not get the Oracle started on the subject of Disneyworld.
}
} You owe the Oracle a well-read copy of John Locke's "An Essay
} Concerning Human Understanding", and while you're at it, read Arthur
} Schopenhauer's "The World as Will and Representation".
--- 1142-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Where was I New Year's Eve?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Just because I'm the All-Knowing Oracle, doesn't mean I'm interested in
} everything!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a crate of Jack Daniels...
--- 1142-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> /././././././././././././
> ././././././././././././.
> /././././././././././././
> ././././././././././././.
> /././././././././././././
> ././././././././././././.
> ././././././././././././.
> /././././././././././././
> ././././././././././././.
> /././././././././././././
> ././././././././././././.
> /././././././././././././
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracles internet connection is temporarily unavailable, due to
} an unusually bad dose of "the slashdot effect".
}
} Please try again later.
}
} You owe The Oracle some .com shares
--- 1142-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> All of our corporate mail servers crashed today for some reason. We're
> using Software.Com's Post.Office mail server, and it has - after more
> than a year of use - crashed on every single machine that we use it on:
> mail.mycompany.com, relay11.mycompany.com, imap.mycompany.com,
> cti01.mycompany.com, and about a 1/2 dozen others. The error message
> is that relaying is being denied, which is very puzzling. Everything I
> can think of to test works fine - DNS lookups, Routes to the major
> carriers, and so on...
>
> The question, as I'm sure you know, is what kind of wine goes best with
> Roasted Mail Server?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Unread wine
--- 1142-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most 3L337, who has hand-eye coordination beyond the ken of
> mortal men, who can fill every slot in the Top Twenty list of any
> arcade game with the initials TIO merely by glancing its way, please
> help me:
>
> OK, I've blasted all the androids and the place looks quiet, but just
> when I'm ready for a vodka I'm beset by Evil Otto! Save me from the
> demented grinning basketball of death!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Everybody knows you're supposed to leave the room after blasting all
} the androids. Criminey! You've had TWENTY YEARS to get this right. Ok,
} here are the tips again:
}
} 1) In may cases, you can get a free game by tying a string to a washer
} and lowering it into the coin/token slot, pulling it out just as a
} credit is registered.
}
} 2) The switch is on top of the machine, to the right, inside a small
} hole. By turning the game off and back on, you can reset the high
} scores. Beware: The thing makes a LOT of noise when it boots up.
}
} 3) Don't bump into any walls. I mean the actual walls at the arcade.
} They're FILTHY.
}
} 4) If you give the guy behind the counter a 5, He'll only give you 19
} quarters, but if you use the change machine, it will only give you 16
} quarters, two of which are Canadian, plus two nickels. Get your change
} from the guy, even if he does watch you too closely.
}
} 5) Tempest is much cooler, but don't try getting any free games with
} washers or magnets because it squeals like a stuck pig if you mess with
} the coin mechanism.
}
} 6) You can play Berzerk at home now, on something called the Atari
} 2600, but Yar's revenge is much cooler.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Mame ROMs.
--- 1142-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> 0 Years
> 3 Months
> 22 Days
> 1 Hour
> 9 Minutes
> 29 Seconds
> It is currently January 13th, 2000+100 22:50:31
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nov/22/1999 21:41:02> ping cs.indiana.edu
}
} Change your internet provider. This is the worst ping response I have
} seen in a long while.
}
} You owe the Oracle two paper cups and a long piece of string.
--- 1142-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most extraordinary,
>
> Who is behind Europe?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Mickey Mouse. One country at a time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime pass to EuroDisney.
--- 1142-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh wonderous and other-worldy Oracle, who hasn't aged a day in a
> thousand years, I was just wondering...
>
> I happened to be reading an online encyclopedia, definitely NOT doing
> research for an incarnation, when I happened upon the following quote:
>
> "The Colossus of Rhodes took 12 years to build, from 294 to 282 BC.
> After an earthquake rocked the harbor, the statue fell over, due
> to a broken knee. However, Ptolemy III offered to cover the costs
> of rebuilding the statue. Unfortunately, an oracle forbade the
> reconstruction, and the offer was declined."
>
> Was that oracle you? And if so, why did you decide against the
> reconstruction?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes supplicant, the Oracle was indeed me. You see, after the Colossus
} was built, it started getting into some of the higher-end poker games
} that monuments play on Friday Nights. The Colossus made the amazing
} mistake of trying to full an inside flush with only the 4, 7, and
} 8 of clubs. So the Colossus asked his buddy the Oracle to lend him
} some money, which I did under certain contractual agreements.
}
} But, as happens too often, the Colossus was a little late with the
} payments, and I can not let someone think that this is an acceptable
} choice to make with the Oracle. So I ordered that his knee be broken,
} send a message, eh? And I forbid reconstruction so that everyone
} knows to pay attention to the last line of my replies to a supplicant.
}
} You Owe the Oracle the entire waterfront... and you know what happens
} when you don't pay the oracle...
--- 1142-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Where am I? For that matter, *who* am I?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You are a speck of grit in the eye of the universe. You are
} a paramecieum adrift on a piece of wood on the atlantic ocean.
} You are the chick at the center of an egg, unable to get past your
} own pitifully thin shell to touch those around you. You are a
} child, wandering through the candy store, paralyzed by indecision
} by the wonders that abound before you. You are a blind and deaf
} fool, starving at the feast of life. You are someone who knows
} there is something out there, but does not know where to place his
} first step to find that which you cannot name. You are a giant,
} holding countless lives in your hands, casting them about like dice.
} You are a god, the world spinning before you in the darkness between
} the stars, a tiny blue marble, and you do not see the beauty of it.
} You strain yourself as hard as you can, trying to grasp the meaning
} of your terrifyingly short lives, even when it stares you in the
} face, screaming at you for attention, wondering why you don't hear.
} You are that which seeks love, yet is afraid of giving up anything
} for fear of it not being returned.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to be good.