User:DarkUnicorn/AAA

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Alexander Andrew Adams (October 14,1950) otherwise known as AAA is, without question, the greatest video game player on Earth. Known only by the three initials he uses on arcade high score lists, he has left his ubiquitous mark in the RAM chips of countless motherboards. He both owns and has played every single video game in the universe, including the superintelligent ones developed by the Pentagon that suck you into a Tron-like cyberspace where you fight to the death against the CPU itself. He has killed approximately 12 video game CPUs in this fashion.

Among other accolades awarded to him, he has a cylindrical battery cell size named after him as well as an automobile organization.

AAA was born October 14,1950 with brain damage that gave him the talent to beat every video game ever made at an amazing skill level. This damage to his brain is irreparable and he will be stuck with it for the rest of his life (Thank God for bringing this guy to the world). Some people hate him, most people love him, it makes no difference to him. He didn't do well in school and got held back 3 times. At age 8, he pondered asking himself how to get through school. He sucsessfully got through. His life went on a whole way from there.

His first video game was Spacewar, made in 1962. This was before his high school years and marriage. Getting a high score of 9000, he said to himself, "If this is what I do, I do it."

Then came PONG. Pong was his favorite game of all time. He stated in an interview that "I pwnd my mates every time they came to sleepovers. Yeah, they're just jealous because I have the talent and they don't!!!!"

It is not known exactly what AAA looks like, as he is understandably reclusive. Conflicting eyewitness reports of a skinny twenty-something Korean with stubble, a pasty-faced former Ataribeta-tester, and even a six-foot-tall bearded Eastern European have all at some point been attributed to AAA. It is clear that unless he ever chooses to publicly reveal himself, we can only continue to speculate. Personally, I think he is a tall, Asian, stunningly handsome, single, twenty-something, well built hunk. Sigh. Unfortunately the odds are that AAA is a small Japanese boy with a ridiculous amount of talent at DDR. Most of the time, he wears a hood to hide his face. Scary.

It is a common myth that AAA is actually a very bad player, citing several sub-par high scores signed 'AAA'. What the people making these claims don't understand, however, is that these scores are actually so high that AAA overflowed the score counter. Thus, it is possible that the top score in your local arcade machine is actually several billion points more than that displayed.

Another popular theory is that AAA is actually such a bad player, that matter and time formed a cylindrical paradox, reversing human perception, so that the average joe believes that AAA is actually a god-like video gamer.

Yet another group of people think that this is simply part of AAA's sly tactics and an instance of him trying to lull you into a false sense of security. One final group suggest that for a challenge AAA simply tasks himself to score predetermined random numbers.

Some say this is a genuine image of AAA. Man, some people are so STUPID!

Since AAA's first high score in 1958, experts have pondered what, if anything, AAA does between playing video games. For the longest time, it was thought that AAA was somehow the source of all video game hints, but nobody could compile any solid evidence to prove this. When Prima invented Strategy Guides in the mid 1990s and sold them before the games for them even came out, experts began to assume that she, in fact, was AAA.

Further studies via hidden cameras disproved this notion when Prima, though incredibly skilled, failed to produce the high scores attributed to AAA. Though Prima does not say anything on the subject, experts generally accept the idea that Prima somehow obtains hints from AAA, which she then tests and writes down into her strategy guides. How Prima obtains this information is yet to be determined, but interviews with the former Queen of the Martians suggest that she does have some sort of relationship with the mysterious AAA.

AAA's influence has appeared in several elementary schools in several anti-drunk driving programs. However, AAA was true to his mysterious identity and took the form of a DrumMania 4th Mix machine and played catchy disco-infused-with-voodoo/tribal songs written by Vin Diesel for the children to remember. One boy attempted to play the game machine but since there were too many 128th notes in a level-1 song, the boy's head collapsed on itself. Investigators would later find out that the game did not cause his death, but his infalliable faith for several religions, which is impossible. The widespread of the boy's death and these excruciatingly catchy songs made AAA popular with the MADD. Fortunately, 117% of the members were experiencing menopause. This caused the MADD to take action, out of spontaneity, and create the American Automobile Association, or Triple A, named after AAA.

The company ended up losing millions of dollars in profit in its first quarter because soon after it began business, a majority of the people who signed were people who had too much time on their hands. These people became curious about what AAA meant (through days of staring contests in the mirror) and ended up listening to the extremely catchy disco-infused-with-voodoo/tribal songs, resulting in spontaneous combustion just from being near, looking at, or even thinking about anything besides the lyrics to the song, the beat to the song, the tune to the song, and sports drinks (especially water, or, in fact, any liquid/gel substance).

These people suffer from AAA's influence.

Unfortunately, the buzz and popularity of the Vin Diesel songs ironically caused more people to listen to them. People today still suffer from Vin Diesel songs. Vin Diesel's disco-infused-with-voodoo/tribal music is now the 7th leading cause of death, placing in front of being stung by several stingrays.

I was playing Halo 2 on Containment, right? We were playing Capture the flag, we just started. me and six other guys were watching the flag when two seconds later, the flag vanished. it said: Spartan 114 took the flag! No one was that fast, there were no possible Multiplayer cheats for Halo 2 so far. My guess? It was AAA.

My mom is a kind of person who never plays videogames, but once she gave Contra III, or "Super Probotector" as it is known in Europe, a go just to be friendly with us kids. She tapped the buttons so randomly and so ferociously that suddenly she skipped to the second level. I swear on my father's bones it's true, even though no level skipping cheat has ever been found for this game. My guess is AAA whispered the secret to her in her dreams.

Once upon a time I was the king of Street Fighter. I'd travel the land and wherever I found an arcade, I'd play and I'd beat everyone who stepped up with impunity. My skill was so great I used to humiliate my opponents by beating them in every possible match-up the game had to offer. I'd pay for their games and their food and their drink to make them stay and take more punishment. I turned the game into an art, where my every move was the most graceful, I stopped the opponent at his every turn, and I never repeated a combo twice in the same day.

But then I met this guy. . . it's so weird, it wasn't like I paid attention to what he looked like but when I try to remember I can only see a blankspace. He didn't make eye contact, he didn't say anything, he just picked Balrog. In World Warrior. Without putting in a quarter. I didn't really have time to take in that and to tell the truth I was so far into the game I didn't notice it was weird. But then he beat me so damn hard he got on top of the high score list in just one round. The second round was over in like, four seconds and I sort of fell over. I got to my feet right away but the guy had vanished, just vanished without a trace. But not before putting in his name on the high score, you guessed it, AAA.

There was this one time I was playing Road Burners at the arcade, and this guy jumps onto the bike next to me, drops a quarter in, and waits until I picked the track. As soon as it says Go, he just zooms straight past me. I barely even caught a glimpse of him. Then a few seconds later, he races towards me. Backwards. I just manage to get out of the way, and complete the race at what was my best time ever. I went to put my initials in, but it wouldn't let me. I'd lost! Written in the place that should've been mine was "AAA - "0.00.93".

I took my old N64 and Diddy Kong Racing game I had out of the closet and turned it on, and it said that the Game Pak is corrupted and may be irreparably damaged. I continued and I went to the time trial mode, and each track had a lap record of 00:00:00, followed by the 3 letter ID, AAA.... I turned it off and powered it back up, and it was gone, and all of my data was back, but I will never forget this, the time when AAA conquered my DKR game.

I was trying to frame AAA by having a bad score at pinball and typing AAA for the initials. But when it showed the high score table my score changed from 100 to 9,999,999,999. Then a man came up to me and said "Your not AAA!" and kicked me. I will never forget what happend and will continue on my search for AAA.

One time, I was playing mortal kombat in this arcade and this asshole kept doing this cheat that he learned on the internet from Oscar Wilde so i couldn't play against him without dying instantly, but I thought that it was just his skill so i kept challenging him over and over hoping to eventually win! After about 3 hours and $75 Later, I heard the door creeeeeek open and this hooded black figure walked through the arcade towards us and every machine he passed was setting the score list to AAA (Some machines couldn't handle his power and proceeded to burst into flames). I was scared shitless and tried to run but I was frozen to the floor. He came up to the machine we were at and threw me to the side... After that I saw the kid who had harassed me look up into the hood like it were the face of god himself then turn to the screen and choose his character Sub-Zero (I couldn't see if AAA chose a character because he was too fast). All of the sudden I saw the kid to drop knees and beg for mercy as his character kept being brutally raped by AAA..I'll never forget that day...

He has beaten every version of Gradius released to date. Without dying once. Or touching any powerups. Or using any cheats. On Hard Mode.

He has beaten every version of Doom on Nightmare difficulty without ever cheating or dying. Without using any weapons. Or powerups. Not even the pistol. Or the chainsaw. Or Beserker. The only things he ever picked up, in fact, were the head of an Imp and the key cards.

Evidence shot of AAA's accomplishment on Metroid

He beat the original Metroid in under 12 minutes, unlocking the ending where Samus becomes so nude that she turns into a skeleton.

He raised cats on Nintendogs.

In Darius, the game says "WARNING! A HUGE BATTLESHIP AAA IS APPROACHING FAST.".

He defeated not one not two, but 59 South Koreans at Starcraft.

And those Koreans were on the same team.

And he only used one single Zergling.

In Warning Forever, he managed to reach a boss so ferocious that it broke out of his computer screen (dubbed the "Tera Smashed Tera Poded Infinity Omega with Extra Onions") and had to subdue it in hand-to-hand combat.

Achieved AAA in every song in DDR Max 7, so they named the rank after him.

In Lemmings, he ended each level with more lemmings than he started with.

On Wii Sports, he can get a hole in one. Which is not so hard, until you realise he was playing Wii Tennis at the time.

He beat NetHack as an illiterate atheist vegan Wizard, without landing a single blow. When a trap on level 10 polymorphed him into a floating eye, he completed the rest of the game that way, blindfolded. Pestilence caught a cold from him. Famine bought him lunch. (AAA didn't eat it.) His final score wrapped MAXINT twice and still pushed ten other players off the screen.

Beat Windows on every difficulty level, including Vista. He also beat Bill Gates in Windows.

He gets the ball in the cup every time.

He finished Super Mario 64 in 10 seconds by jumping into the stain glassed window outside the castle, killing bowser and then rescuing Peach. He then went on to play the game properly from the start and attained 121 stars. He then went on to play Super Mario 64 DS and found 151 stars, all without touching the DS once; he used his mind...

He beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without even touching his controller. He just walked into the room, and the game beat itself out of pure and utter fear. On top of that, the system wasn't turned on, the controllers weren't plugged in, and the cartridge was sitting on a nearby shelf.

He broke the 3,000km/h max limit on every track using every racer on F-Zero X. He was also actually able to beat F-Zero GX.

He beat every Touhou Game without dying, bombing, focusing, moving, or shooting.

He beat Viewtiful Joe without picking up any of the Star Powers (or whatever they're called).

He beat Japan's Super Mario Brothers 2 without warping (Including bouns worlds 9,A,B,C, and D.),without getting any items, without dying even once. With his Famicom and its controllers unplugged,during a power outage. (This is one of his biggest accomplishments yet. He claimed that the game was waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy too easy. But hey, he's AAA, everything is easy for him.)

He bought and beat DragonBall Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 6, when we still haven't reached the #3.

He beat Pong when it first came out and achieved a score of 9 million.

AAA obtained full stats in River City Ransom using only $1.00.

AAA once beat Saturous and Menardi at the start of Golden Sun. Without cheats. Without looking at the screen. Without using attack. Before the storm even starts.

AAA once beat Cruel Melee in Super Smash Bros. Melee. Twice!

AAA once beat Fire Emblem Rekka no Ken in Mark's story. And then Sain's story. Closely followed by Kent's story. And then 3 times on Florina's story. Then 12 times on Athos's story. And then Nergal's story.