Tag Archives: bird

Before getting diagnosed with dementia I would answer philosophical questions with pat biblical answers – questions such as why God allows suffering in the world. Now I see some of these questions in a whole new light.
The questions are no longer philosophical – – they are real. Why did God allow ME to suffer with dementia at only 55? Why did He do this to my family? How can He say He loves me yet allow me to suffer so much when He could have prevented it? I don’t want clichés or religious sounding answers.
Through my challenges and doubts, I have come to realize a few truths.
1. Our life is just a speck of light in eternity. So the pain I feel now doesn’t even amount to a pimple in the scope of the world and eternity.
2. God sent His Holy Spirit to comfort me. He said, “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee” – that is showing He loves me. The Holy Spirit is not answering the burning why questions in a way I want them answered but He is comforting my soul. He has opened my eyes to see the world & people in a different way. I have experienced a new relationship with God, my husband, my family, and the beauty that surrounds me. Through dementia chat groups, I have experienced compassion with virtual friends that I never thought possible. To me, FB was a waste of time … now it is my support line.

How long has that Albino bird lived in our backyard? Maybe it just came, or maybe it’s been there for years and I never saw it? Another rare bird came for a short visit, a spotted fawn walked within 6 feet of me, two kinds of Hummingbirds, beautiful butterflies, an exotic bug – so many new things. Were they always here?

3. On this side of eternity I will never be able to answer why, but I do know God will sustain me through it. He will give me new beauty and love – as long as I am willing to look through His eyes. I try to find something to be thankful for everyday – something new.
4. There are two ways to ask “Oh God Why Me?” Why did God surround me with so much love & beauty? Why did He give me such a loving family? Why does He comfort me? As I look at all God has blessed me with in life, with a thankful heart I ask “Oh God Why Me” – what have I done to deserve this? “Oh God Why Me” really depends on the attitude that I want to portray in life. I choose to be joyful and thankful.

I remember the fear, anger and loneliness I felt the day the doctor gave his official diagnosis of Progressive Degenerative Impairment evolving into Alzheimer’s or an FTD. Hearing those words, created a flood of emotions and questions, but I couldn’t react.
Having lost the ability to multitask, perform simple math, or follow instructions, combined with a decline in verbal communication and comprehension; deep down, I think I already knew. The doctors were just giving it a label. As a career person, being told I would not be able to maintain a successful career, it felt like my life was ending. So I turned to my music and found comfort in singing about the fears.
My most difficult day of this illness was on Aug 17th. From the time I was 11, music has been my outlet – for joy, sadness, heartbreak and fun. I have been able to express myself playing my guitar (“Olivia”), writing songs, singing and performing. On that day, when I picked up Olivia to sing in Church, it seemed like a foreign object. I couldn’t remember how to hold it, much less how to play. I felt like my very essence had been drained – my soul had been ripped out. How could I express my love, a beautiful sky, a heartache, or make people smile, without my songs and Olivia? How could I live without my music?
Two months later, at times I can remember how to play and combine the chords and the words, but it is becoming less. Now more than ever, I long to be able to take Olivia and write about this disease, to cry and laugh and find comfort in her strings. Instead, I listen to the songs of the birds outside my window, the screech of the barn owl or the cries of the baby fox. I don’t think I ever listened to them before – perhaps, God is trying to open my ears, eyes and heart to new things. I will start to listen more carefully.