11/18/13

On suffering, which is real.
On the mouth that never closes,
the air that dries the mouth.

On the miraculous dying body,
its greens and purples.
On the beauty of hair itself.

On the dazzling toddler:
"Like eggplant," he says,
when you say "Vegetable,"

"Chrysanthemum" to "Flower."
On his grandmother's suffering, larger
than vanished skyscrapers,

September zucchini,
other things too big. For her glory
that goes along with it,

glory of grown children's vigil,
communal fealty, glory
of the body that operates

even as it falls apart, the body
that can no longer even make fever
but nonetheless burns

florid and bright and magnificent
as it dims, as it shrinks,
as it turns to something else.

Before I post another recipe and/or semi-ridiculous cooking video, I have to tell you that my grandma passed away last week. If you’re a regular reader, you’ll know that she was just here visiting me, Matt, and Mavis. She’d just been in our kitchen, grinding fennel seeds with a mortar and pestle and making a yogurt pie/parfait.

I referred to her as 95-years-old, but the truth is that I was rounding up. She would have been 95 on December 31st, which just goes to show you that even though I understood that she was very old, that her heart hadn’t been getting enough oxygen for a long time, that she could go at any time and it wouldn’t exactly be a shock, I still hadn’t really digested that information.

She was here for six days and during that time, I started writing an essay tentatively titled “29 weeks and 94 years” about what it was like to simultaneously take care of myself, this baby I'm carrying, and Grandma. And perhaps sometime soon I’ll finish that essay. Her visit was a unique experience that I’m especially grateful for. But as for now, I’m still processing the loss and am not quite ready to write about it. Mostly, I keep thinking about how much a part of this blog she’s been. If you type in “grandma” over there in the little search bar at your right, you will get more than a dozen posts in which she’s mentioned and/or appears. From the essay I wrote about spending four days in her kitchen making holiday cookies to the video in which I call her up in search of some kitchen tips to her Belgian waffles, Grandma has certainly left her mark here. And I’m sure she’ll continue to.

Last Monday is when it happened, and as a sort of tribute, I made a crepe cake. It’s a recipe I’ve been working on to include in my book, but as it’s a labor intensive one, I’d been putting off attempting it again. But on Monday afternoon, I put on some music and got to work. I mixed the batter, flipped crepe after crepe, macerated strawberries, whipped cream, assembled it into one tower, and made a chocolate sauce to cover it all. It was an afternoon well spent.

Grandma would have loved it.

Posted by
Amelia Morris

47 comments:

I am so sorry for your loss. I've always loved reading about her on your blog and I hope you know that the picture of her you've painted for us, your readers, through your stories and your videos have always been funny, quirky and inspiring. Hugs and kisses from Toronto.

One of the strangest things about this age of the internet that we're living in is how involved we've become in the lives of strangers. Reading this made me tear up, for you and the hurt I imagine you are feeling, and for the loss of your grandmother, who I feel like I've come to know through your brilliantly articulated posts. My grandfather passed away in March and I remember how bewildering that time was, and how hard. I appreciate you sharing your grandma with us.

I'm so sad to hear the news, Amelia. I hope you and your family can relive and honor all the love you shared. Rainbows forever.

The last two of my grandparents that passed away went suddenly--the first of the two, without my even knowing (in fact, no one told me for over a week); the second--one day, we were all discussing where she was going to live, the next, she was gone.

Oh Amelia - after following your blog for so many years I too have felt the presence of your grandma here. I am so glad she spent time with you recently and that you through whatever you were feeling into that crepe cake. I hope it was amazing! I love the picture too btw. Now I'm off to re-watch the video of grandmas advise...

So sorry for your loss. Your video of baking pizzelle with your grandma is what lead me to your blog. Having loved & lost both of my own sweet grandmas, your videos with yours’ really touched me. Your relationship with Grandma seemed so full of love, patience & humor, both on your part and on your Grandma’s part.Thank you for sharing her with us.

Oh, I am so sorry. I was so charmed by her in the recent video and her honest reactions to things. I am sorry for your mom too, who was so delightfully thrilled to hear your happy pregnancy news. You all obviously had such a warm relationship and it is wonderful that you have these videos to share with your baby and to revisit yourself. I am sorry for your loss.

Oh no! I am so very sorry. I am in tears reading this. Following your blog and watching every video (sometimes more than once) I feel like I knew her. You were so blessed to have her in your life and she will carry on and be remembered in your cooking and story telling. I hope you feel peace soon. You will see her again one day. Take care & God bless, Debbie Sprague

You're lucky to have spent various moments with your Grandma. I haven't gotten the chance to cook something with my grandparents since they really live far from us. Anyway, I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm pretty sure your Grandma is happy wherever she is now. And I'm sure appreciated the care and love that you showed her all this time. :)

I'm so so sorry for your loss, thank you so much for letting us get to know a small part of her, every post with her made me laugh :) Amazing that you got to spend the time you did with her before she left.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my grandma and can sympathize her loss being a shock even with the knowledge that it could happen at anytime. Unfortunately, it always feels like we don't have enough time with the one's we love. When you posted the waffle story it made me cry because it reminded me so much of recipes passed down from my own grandmother. The memories though sometimes hard are so wonderful to have and with time they get easier and more enjoyable. My sincerest condolences to you and your family.

Amelia: I'm very sorry about your grandma. I loved watching her in the fish tacos video and reading about her in other posts on your blog. I hope her recipes/suggestions continue to appear here and there on Bon Appetempt.

So so sorry!! My grandma who I was quiet close to passed while I was pregnant with my daughter. it was hard to be positive because you're growing this little person inside of you but mourn this other person that was so apart of your life. the crepe cake making sounds perfect!

That's terribly sad. I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Based on her appearances on your website, she seemed to be warm, funny, and one kick-ass grandma. My grandparents all passed away before I was out of middle school so I've always been envious of people that got to spend time with their grandparents into adulthood. Lucky you.

Amelia, my deepest condolences. Grandmas in general are just amazing, and yours sounds particularly wonderful. That poem was devastating and perfect. It so vividly conveys the wild and crazy way that close-up loss feels. Virtual hugs to you and your family.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I can't believe she was just there, being her adorable self in your yogurt parfait video! I think it's lovely that you two were so close and hope you can hold your many memories of her close, close. Life begins, life ends...it's all part of the cycle, but still so hard to say goodbye. xoxo

Oh Amelia. I just watched the yogurt pie video and I'm left choked up. You have some wonderful video mementos. I'm really sorry to hear this news. I don't know if it's MY pregnancy hormones but thinking about you making the crepe cake puts a lump in my throat! I hope you're well. I will miss her presence here.

The above was set out, however, before my big culinary change of heart, as documented here. And while we're on the subject of pivotal moments... there have been a few over the (6) years, like this one and this one and, of course, this one AND now this one!