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Saturday, September 22, 2012

One more night - with what?

"When do you want me to ask God to remove the plague of frogs?" asked Moses.

"Tomorrow," Pharaoh replied.

What? Let me get this straight - you have slimy, disgusting frogs in your bed, frogs in your breakfast muesli, frogs all over the floor and in your cooking utensils, you can't walk two feet without stepping on or kicking aside a frog - and you want to spend another night with them?

What was that all about anyway? Why tell Moses you want to spend another night with those revolting things crawling all over you?

Frogs are fine - in their place: in the water. Some of them are actually quite pretty. But that doesn't mean I'd want them infesting everything I owned.

So what was behind Pharaoh's bizarre desire to spend another night with the frogs? Why would anyone want to do that?

It's the illusion (or should I say the delusion) of control. I, like so many people, like to think that i have control over my own life. And my innate selfishness dictates that if I can convince myself that I have control over things, they will not be the master of me. Even if they are. It's the same argument when I know that (let's say) overeating is bad for me. It makes me feel gross, I eat until I'm in pain and then I groan for hours afterward.

Yet what do I do the next time? I do it again. And again. And when I think about portion control and healthy food choices and being more active ... I plan to do it "next week." Or "the first of next month." Or "after Christmas." It's the delusion of control. I can't face the fact that I can't do it on my own, so I put off the painful process of facing that fact until another day. Same as stubborn old Pharaoh.

It's become a stock joke between my husband and me. "Um, when are you going to _____?" (Answer - next week, next month, whatever). "Hmm. Gonna spend another night with the frogs, huh?" And we both laugh, because we both know the uncomfortable truth - the status quo is preferable to the pain of change, even change for the better ... and we both want to believe that we have the power over when, how, and for how long that change occurs. Next week becomes next month, next month becomes after Christmas... and the thing that stands in the way is fear ... and ego. I've heard it said that EGO stands for Edging God Out.

That sounds about right.

So am I going to put off until next week what I know I should have faced weeks ago? Or do I want to spend another night with the frogs?