I don’t remember if I saw the original Zoolander in a movie theater or not when it premiered in 2001. Based on the previews, I remember thinking it was going to be awful. However, a roommate saw it and said it was hysterical. It was. Since it’s release, Zoolander is that rare film to tank in the theater but achieve cult classic status in the post-release DVD market. Lines such as, “Hansel, he’s so hot right now” and “Merman!” continue to saturate pop culture to this day. Mention ‘Blue Steel’ and ‘Magnum’ and folks nod their heads because everyone at some point has flashed their own attempt at Blue Steel. I guarantee Zoolander 2 will have no such impact on the zeitgeist. Movie goers may quote a handful of one-liners in the next few days, but they are not going to stick. Zoolander and Hansel even wear the words on their chest, Zoolander 2 is Old and Lame.

Even though it arrives 15 years later, I was not opposed to a Zoolander sequel attempt. With Ben Stiller back directing and most of the same actors returning to their roles, there was a very good chance the oblivious male model could make us laugh again. Well, he does not. Zoolander 2 is more police procedural than satiric comedy and falls all over itself to make room for celebrity cameos instead of establishing a story to maintain the audience’s interest.

In a hard, action-thriller opening, a hooded figure races through desolate, Roman streets evading motorcycle-riding assassins. Unfortunately, Justin Bieber is murdered from a hail of gunfire to a lot of applause from the audience I saw the film with. Someone out there is murdering celebrities and it falls on Interpol’s Fashion Division Chief, Valentina (Penélope Cruz, The Counselor), to find out who. Zoolander (Stiller, While We’re Young) and Hansel (Owen Wilson, No Escape) also show up in Rome to reclaim their superstar model status after an upsetting disaster befell The Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Want to do Other Stuff Good Too.

Zoolander and Hansel have been out of the fashion game for a decade and a half; let’s see how they judge contemporary couture. The biggest designer in the world is Don Atari (Kyle Mooney). If it sucks, then Don Atari loves it. What was dressing up is now dressing down. When Zoolander and Hansel strut in with their fur, leather, and sunglasses, the fashion house only stares on in befuddlement as they sport ripped T-shirts, anything ironic, and set the new fashion show on top of a medical waste dump instead of a fancy runway. I am not well versed in fashion, but I can only assume this mocks fashion trends for the past 15 years and is not, in fact, where we are now.

The model who has taken Zoolander’s place is All (Benedict Cumberbatch, Black Mass). All is androgynous and when questioned, will only say he/she is all. Mono marriage is now legal in Zoolander 2’s world and All just married him/herself. Taking a jab at progressivism in general, Don Atari makes it a point to ask Zoolander how proud he would be of his son if he showed up at home with All. This is about the extent we get of what were once walk-offs and fashion-themed comedy. All and Don Atari disappear in favor of more mystery solving and the cameo parade.

I love a good cameo every now and then. Zoolander 2 stuffed so many in; however, I began to lose interest because I knew another famous face would pop up for no reason whatsoever in another minute or so. I won’t spoil them, but it really doesn’t matter. The biggest drawback may be the amount, but how they are filmed is also a problem. Ben Stiller could never get so many stars on set at the same time, so most cameos are shot with nobody else on screen. It comes off as choppy and poorly edited. A main character will say a line, insert quick jump cut featuring a celebrity reaction shot, and quick cut back again to the main set. This gimmick wears thin after about the ninth time this happens.

The four screenwriters attached to this script had 15 years to come up with funny. Instead, we get Hansel throwing glass bottles at Zoolander’s face, an overly long car accident, and Will Ferrell (Get Hard), back as the evil Mugatu, screaming every single line. What these swing and misses all have in common is they were jokes set up by the first film. Zoolander 2 offers nothing new; it’s a retread of material that was hysterical 15 years ago. In 2001, there was no way I would or could have connected with a comedic sequel referencing everything it used to be in 1986. Anyone not paying attention to movies in 2001 will face the exact same issue here. Zoolander 2 is set up for failure.