Sunday Funnies

“The hurricane cleanup seems worse than we thought. President Obama came to New Jersey. Chris Christie invited him to come in, and they put politics aside to get New Jersey up and running as soon as possible. And then they had lunch together and President Obama gained 10 pounds.” –David Letterman

“It took hurricane-force winds to blow a Democrat and a Republican together.” –David Letterman

“Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they’d give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean.” –Conan O’Brien

“The International Olympic Committee is investigating Lance Armstrong for the bronze medal he won at the 2000 Olympics. A little tip for the IOC: If Lance was on steroids and he came in third, you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver.” –Conan O’Brien

“The East Coast is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Because of congestion, Mayor Bloomberg is only allowing cars with at least three passengers to drive into Manhattan. You can’t cross the bridge with a bunch of empty seats – which was really confusing for Clint Eastwood.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today is the first day of November, which means the election will soon be over. And then we can finally get started on the recount.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A 108-year-old woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower — but still, good for her.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Two women from the Dominican Republic claim that New Jersey Senator Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. If true, he could be charged with impersonating a Secret Service agent. In his defense, Senator Menendez denies the charges, but I think he’s in trouble. Who’s going to take the word of a politician over a whore?” –Jay Leno

“Last night I answered the door and there was a kid lying on the porch. He was playing dead. I said: ‘What are you supposed to be?’ He said: ‘the economy.'” –Jay Leno

“President Obama canceled the annual White House Halloween party. He didn’t want to; he just didn’t want to risk a trick-or-treater asking him a question about Libya.” –Jay Leno

“New Jersey is in bad shape. Governor Christie announced water restrictions. No one is allowed to water their lawns, but they just got 18 feet of water so that seems like a reasonable request.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The power is still out for 4.5 million people. And they say 20 percent of the cell towers in New York have been wiped out. That means people have been resorting to using pay phones. They’re so filthy I’d rather write a letter.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Disney has bought the rights to the “Star Wars” movies for $4 billion. “Star Wars” fans are passionate. Most don’t like the newer movies. But some people prefer them to the originals. These people are known as idiots.” –Craig Ferguson

“The new films will be made by Disney. I’ve worked with Disney. They’re a great company to work for. If I don’t say that, they’ll hurt me.” –Craig Ferguson

“George Lucas says that before he closed the deal with Disney, he gave rough outlines for episodes seven, eight, and nine that he wrote himself. Disney was like, “Great, George. We’ll just put them on the fridge.” –Craig Ferguson

Nov. 2, 2012

“They did not have Halloween in New Jersey Wednesday night. Governor Chris Christie postponed it by executive order until Monday. However, he did spend the day scaring Republicans by praising President Obama.” –Jay Leno

“New York City is desperately trying to return to normal. Wait a minute. When were we normal?” –David Letterman

“You folks ready to vote? On the bright side, after Tuesday we’ll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That’s good news.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He’s urging his voters, his constituents, and all Americans to turn your clocks back to 1954.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday in Virginia, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for making puns about his name, like ‘Romnesia.’ Then he said, ‘I mean it’s just an ‘Obamanation.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The election is four days away, and more than 2.7 million people in Florida have already cast their vote. Unfortunately, since it’s Florida most of them just stuffed their ballot into a toaster oven.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico. And then Mexicans unveiled a larger, more convenient tunnel around it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The New York Marathon is now not happening on Sunday. Mayor Bloomberg canceled it. I think that was the right thing to do. In fact, I don’t even know why they bother running the marathon. We know what’s going to happen. Why not just find a random Kenyan, put a medal around his neck, and save everyone the trouble?” –Jimmy Kimmel

Nov. 7, 2012

“Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare.” –Jay Leno

“Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders.” –Jay Leno

“Some more good news – the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump.” –Jay Leno

“Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama’s Electoral College records.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man’s a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don’t call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden said now that the election is over, he’s going to take a vacation. He’s been vice president for four years. That is a vacation!” –Jay Leno

“In a stage show Madonna urged her audience to vote for President Obama. You know what’s unbelievable? Madonna has been right in every election since Calvin Coolidge.” –Jay Leno

After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“Well, finally the long race is over and as usual a guy from Kenya won.” –David Letterman

“Obama won last night, and for the Democrats that’s great, so we’ll just have to wait and see what happens in tonight’s debate.” –David Letterman

“It was a big night for the Democrats. Obama was on the electoral vote and the popular vote. Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote.” –David Letterman

“A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters.” –David Letterman

“They had a CBS exit poll last night. 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll said they were leaving.” –David Letterman

“The long national nightmare is finally over. We have expressed our will at the polls. The results have been tallied and we proved once again that American democracy is alive and well — even if Florida was more confused than an old person with an iPhone.” –Craig Ferguson

“I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a ‘loser’ is Donald Trump. I’ll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one’s listened to him — because he’s Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, ‘The world is laughing at us.’ I’m thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you’re wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama defeated Mitt Romney last night. We know this for sure despite the fact that the returns from Florida still have not been counted. What goes on in Florida? They had four years to fix this. We need to make sure Florida never gets the Olympics.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A lot of people said over the last few weeks that if Obama wins, they’re going to move to Canada. How come nobody threatens to move to Mexico? That must be depressing for them.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That’s a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today everyone was busy looking at all the different numbers, trying to figure out who voted for which candidate. President Obama beat Mitt Romney by 38 points among single women. They say it’s because of Obama’s final campaign slogan, ‘Hope and Pinot Grigio.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The president also got help in the election last night with 70 percent of the Jewish vote. When Jewish voters heard their support for Obama was so high, they were like, ‘Eh, coulda been better.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Keep in mind, this was no landslide, folks. It was like a 51-49er. Just because Obama won these blue states up here, he’s the president of all of them now? Look, Romney won all that red stuff. Why don’t we elect our president on square footage? Because Romney won some big states, folks, whole damn south.” –Stephen Colbert

“The illegal electioneering went all the way to the ballot itself. All over the country, what did voters have to do on their scantron sheets? Fill in an ‘O.’ Huh, where have I seen that before? And no surprise, it starts out white and you’re forced to fill it in black.” –Stephen Colbert

Nov. 8, 2012

“I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn’t work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden.” –David Letterman

“Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney” –David Letterman

“Karl Rove was running the Republican deal. He spent $400 million to try to get his party in power. They don’t know what happened. The Republicans are confused and scratching their heads. They won’t know what happened until they find the black box.” –David Letterman

“I went out to vote. I was in line for four hours. And then it turned out later that it was a gas line.” –David Letterman

“Everybody is talking about the fiscal cliff. And I’d be talking about the fiscal cliff too if I knew what the hell it was.” –David Letterman

“Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I’m saying, ‘What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That’s not the Republicans I know.” –David Letterman

“What is going on in Florida? They still haven’t finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn’t even be allowed to vote for ‘American Idol.'” –Jay Leno

“Here is an interesting fact about Tuesday’s election. It seems 41 percetn of Rommney votesr were named either Osmond or Romney.” –Jay Leno

“There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn’t have to move into a smaller house.” –Jay Leno

“It’s tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He’s rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint’ gonna win that one either.” –Jay Leno

“NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer.” –Jay Leno

“The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, ‘You got any left?'” –Jay Leno

“President Obama easily won his home state of Illinois. In fact, in Chicago Obama got 120 percent of the vote.” –Jay Leno

“It has been two days, and Florida still hasn’t finished counting all the votes from Tuesday night’s election. Of course, it’s gonna be weird when they’re finally done and they’re like, ‘The winner is – Al Gore?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney’s staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it ‘the scariest two minutes of my life.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“There are now a record number of Latinos in Congress, which has a lot more Americans talking about immigration reform. Americans seem to be in favor of it, while immigrants are still on the fence.” –Jimmy Fallon

“If Congress does nothing, the U.S. could go off a so-called fiscal cliff that could cause another worldwide financial collapse like the one in 2008. Congress had a lot of questions about this scenario, like, ‘What do you mean if we do nothing?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of people are still coming to grips with Mitt Romney’s loss. It was reported that the morning after the election, Mitt Romney’s family gathered to share a gallon of chocolate milk. In other words, they took it much harder than we thought.” –Conan O’Brien

“They are still counting votes in Florida. They’re still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living.” –Conan O’Brien

“I always wonder what the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses. You get so close to becoming the most powerful person in the world and just like that, you wake up hoping to get a call from ‘Dancing With the Stars.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney, the morning after defeat, was in his Boston hotel room surrounded by his children and grandchildren. There was a gallon of chocolate milk on the table. Looks like someone’s on a serious bender. It starts with the Nestle Quick, the next thing you know you’re snorting Jolly Ranchers” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Four counties in Florida were still counting votes today. It’s important that they get all of the votes counted because the numbers could drastically affect the outcome of this election in no way whatsoever.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“No one is exactly sure why it’s taking Florida so long. I’m sure they’ll have it all sorted out by Christmas.” –Jimmy Kimmel