Jack B. Quick is a space sheriff, whose job on Earth, is to eliminate that pesky sucker of goats, the legendary Chupacabra. He’ll have his Jack hands full; this Chupacabra is six-feet tall, looks like a cross between a seafood platter entree and Japanese pro wrestler, and is actually the presumably housebroken pet of Lord Invader.

Sent by the Queen Bee and King Allmedia (are you groaning out loud yet?), Jack has to be Quick around the Chupacabra in order to not get his goat blood sucked or admonished by the Queen, whose shirt stuffers are metaphorically the size of orbiting planets.

Jack chases Chupacabra around in his spacecraft, an early model Plymouth. To assist in his quest, he packs a shotgun (easily purchased throughout the galaxy). He also has to slap Lord Invader upside the head for letting his pet go outside his interstellar front yard. And if all of this doesn’t leave you gasping for logic, rocket ranger Dan Danger (now would be another good time to groan audibly) shows up to verbally walk us through this land mine-ridden story line. If Jack B. Quick succeeds, he’ll be knighted. If not, food stamps.

Working on a budget so low, the actors themselves paid for it (in more ways than one). Guns of El Chupacabra (1997) is a sci-fi comedy with a half-decent monster costume, wincing dialogue/references, and Julie Strain, who I would pay to just see stand there for 90 or so minutes.

Did you see Hobo With A Shotgun (2011)? Yeah, me neither. Seemed kinda dumb. Most people say that about me. Maybe I should get a shotgun and star in a movie that no one will watch. I wouldn’t shoot anybody, though. That’s just mean.

So there’s this knock-off of HWASGcalled Zombie With A Shotgun (2015). A web mini-series, it’s getting bumped up to first-class, meaning it’ll be made into a movie or “film.”

I hear tell you can see the ‘webisodes” and even the trailer on Vimeo.™ (Weird word – it stands for “video” and “me.” Much like “you” and “tube,” of which it rips off, but is actually better.)

Speaking of ripping off, seems the folks behind Zombie With A Shotgun didn’t have a problem ripping off Hobo With A Shotgun’s title, poster and even the kicker line.

So when will Zombie With A Shotgun be released? Haven’t a clue. What’s it about? What, you can’t guess from the title? Here’s the plot, then – “A couple are trying to survive the zombie apocalypse one shotgun shell at a time. The male is infected and knows that one day soon he will turn and be a serious threat to his beautiful girlfriend.”

Just 10 days ago as of this writing (July 7, 2015 to be 100% accurate), I had e-barfed about YET ANOTHER Amityville Horror cash-in: Amityville: The Awakening. Besides being a really dumb idea, the whole haunted house Amityville thing has been done and overdone since it started back in 1979, which began as a “based on true events” 1977 book of the same title by Jay Anson. (I personally think he goosed up some of the “supernatural horror” events to goose up sales.)

So now comes Amityville Nightmares, filming commencing in August 2015. I swear, that whole series is like stepping in dog poop that you can’t ever quite scrape off your shoes. Based on Amy Miles’ recent book, Visitation: An Amityville Nightmare Novel, Amityville Nightmares focuses on theories and real life accounts of the original DeFeo murders.

Note to you: Ronald DeFeo, Jr. was the eldest son of the DeFeo family who shotgunned his entire family in half in that infamous house after “voices” in his head to him to do it, setting off several decades of paranormal speculation and cash-ins. (Too bad the voices didn’t tell him to clean his room – yeesh, what a mess.)

As for the alleged spook talkers, it came up in DeFeo’s court trial that he was an abuser of heroin and LSD, and that he had an antisocial personality disorder. Antisocial? Get a rope!

The only thing I like about this impending movie is its kicker line: “It wasn’t the house that was haunted.” About time somebody got it right.

All it took was driving a bus school with five kids in it through a toxic chemical plant steam cloud to turn them into adorable death zombies. Where you’d think blue or possible purple smoke would get better results, not so in this case. (Note: the danger smog only works on kids.)

The sheriff and the soon-to-be-roasted townsfolk find out the kids – who look like they used to but with black fingernails – inflict fatal microwave burns on anyone they hug, resulting in yellow smoke shooting out of the victims as well.

For the next 73 minutes it’s evenly-staged death hugs and Sheriff Billy running all over the place in search of the children who have taken up smoking. Point blank rifle blasts only knock the brats down as they get right back up and are ready for a big ’ol hug.

Tedious, even by 1980s’ standard, is the first thing that comes to mind while watching The Children (1980) a sorta lurid and slow-paced cheapo, though it’s rare to see kids taking a direct shotgun blast to the chest. Oddly, I found that to be quite entertaining.

As a four-year-old riding on a farm tractor at midnight, plowing the fields (couldn’t it wait until morning?), Tony Todd (Candyman in a previous life) watched his dad get pitch-forked by a demonically possessed scarecrow. At this point we don’t know if the pitchfork was real or just a prop.

When Tony grew up, he wrote numerous books about the forked up cornfield guardian and learned that yes, booze can solve just about all of your problems. He even managed to capture the darn thing, tied it up in said field of corn and keep his shotgun and mind-clearing whiskey at the ready.

Along comes two frat pledges whose job is to steal the scarecrow and bring it back to the dorm (probably to have relations with it). Tony, senses amplified by alcohol, runs out with all guns blazing and shoots one of the kids in the stomach-y area. Through the magic of Art Institute™ special effects, the boy’s soul is sucked into the scarecrow, thereby reanimating it and setting out on a murderous vegetable-esque rampage.

Tony made two mistakes in regards to Scarecrow Slayer (2003): one was starring in it. The second was not having enough booze to blot out this epic career fail.