SCHIZOPHRENIA THE TRUE STORY

Sunday, January 21, 2007

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

SCHIZOPHRENIA, THE TRUE STORY

Hi my name is Dan Kilcup. At the suggestion of my psychologist and psychiatrist, i ended up typing up my life...at least til the current time.

i've been in and out of being homelessness but now i have settled into living in a Section 8 apartment and going to day treatment (at Bayview, since 1/2000).

Living in abandoned cars. Buying cheap cars and living in them. Trying to mow lawns for money, only to find out my car was towed and i was homeless again.

This book covers being "forced" to homosexuality (meaning, i fought it and fought it til i did it as a last resort).

There is sex, drugs and rock in roll covered. Believing i was going to be a star (the radio was telling me this) and spending $970 on a guitar (money i wish i had back).. a brief experiment in drugs. (three months doing crystal meth).

famous stars suspiciously dying...

THE FORCEThis country has created a “force” much like in Star Wars and here is something you won’t hear anywhere else…I am 90 percent certain that any missile attack can be diverted when the missile is within 5 feet after launch. Because I figure, if they can control me from satellites, they can control missiles. As in, I don’t think they’d waste their time on me unless they had that covered…

The radio talks to me 24/7. Actually the lyrics talk to me, but there's plenty of this covered in this thing. wondering if there are cameras in my apartment...I've looked for them.

My mind is being read (electronically) and also "written" meaning, my voices put thoughts IN my mind. There is "someone" in my mind 24/7. My only escape is dreams altho occasionally my voices even control THAT. thinking it's being done via satellite...

There's a pursuit (by the police) involved, including driving the wrong way on a street, pulled out of the car by gun point....

"Voices" that threaten my family...Animals "talking" to me, as if they wanted sex.Animals at the zoo controlled and doing "signs" to me....

I have tactile (touch) hallucinations, audible (as in every radio station talking to me), and smell hallucinations.

Followed EVERY FUCKING WHERE I GO...insects, animals, everyone around me in public...i swear SOMEDAY i'm going to have a thought and someone will right out answer it,,,

I go to Day Treatment every day, where I feel safe, and come home where I also feel safe. Other than that it's a"public appearance", people following me. So i go out AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.

wondering if my brain is going to frozen and kept alive...knowing I won't even have privacy in death...

attempts at praying - but if i close my eyes i see porn

went through a phase of cross dressingLATE 1985It was late 1985 when my mental health issues started. I was working at General Dynamics as a word processor when my voices kicked in, making me paranoid and exiting working. I had been a workaholic, sometimes logging in 100 hours every two weeks. For convenience, I moved close to General Dynamics. In what I felt like was a "sign" Jim, who came to work with us, moved to San Diego from San Francisco and ended up RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME. Without knowing previously where I lived, he moves 500 miles, so close to me that he would even get my mail! Little things like this were happening.

By the way, I am of the opinion that my “voices” stuff came before I realized it. Basically I think they've been monitoring me since I was fifteen, because my mother went through a paranoid stage just for a week. I had a ham radio and she set it outside thinking it was listening to us. And this was 10 years before i even HAD my problems.

Also, when i was 20, I was living in Linda Vista (home to Vietnamese refugees) and a song came out that said “Don't have to live like a refugee). And, yanno, my roommate felt like it meant something to him. And, this happened way before I knew my voices were there. When the radio, tv, newspapers were all talking to me.

ForceThis country has created a “force” much like in Star Wars and here is something you won’t hear anywhere else…I am 90 percent certain that any missile attack can be diverted when the missile is within 5 feet after launch. Because I figure, if they can control me from satellites, they can control missiles. As in, I don’t think they’d waste their time on me unless they had ever other thing else covered…

PSYCHIC NETWORKThere is a psychic network which covers, all FM stations and MY BRAIN. And the radio stations give me signs and respond to my brain.

ANYWAYS!

So my mental health issues began when i was 25. I lost my word processing job at General Dynamics. But, not to worry, I had great word processing skills. For example, I would set up four computers working all night, translating one thousand page documents from one brand of software to another automatically, instead of having a person having to edit each page individually.. And I had a card which allowed me into General Dynamics 24 hours a day. I would come in at 2AM and make sure none of the computers crashed. I was using a particular program called NBI 4000. When we first received this word processor I made it do some neat little tricks, and a sales rep from NBI offered me a job in Boulder, Colorado, because in two weeks I had done things he'd never seen before. I'll stop the bragging LOL. So I lost my job. Then my “voices”” controlled the employment situation because I couldn't get a job. It was incredible, I would see help wanted classifieds advertising the need for the NBI 4000 every single day but when i called it was no dice. I think my voices were disabling my phone because I would never receive calls about this software. I think they were routing my calls to...someone. Then almost subliminally I began to notice the radio talking to me. And the television, and the newspaper. I'm watching MTV and notice it's watching me. I walk outside and I saw a guy fixing a flat tire and, thinking he was in on the deal, i told him, “this is getting ridiculous”.

My voices kept calling me "JR" (as in Johnny Rotten).

And the newspaper started talking to me. For example, I masturbated myself, with my finger up my butt, and the next day the newspaper had stories of the Voyager spacecraft and said "we've got beautiful pictures of Uranus!" (your anus, in my mind)..."what a beautiful sight!" (my anus) "We've got pictures!" I didn't know then but they were electronically "turning me on." And, also electronically, tactiley, my hand became their hand. I was masturbating with someone else.

Now I’m blowing through money like crazy because my voices told me I was going to be a star. Which they've told me throughout the years, even today; but i DON'T fall for this anymore. With all this star stuff i thought I was going to be rich. (I’m on unemployment at this point in time, 1985). But it didn't happen. Somehow I ended up buying a car for a hundred bucks, and i end up living in it. The license plate said "FTW"' which i perceived as "Fuck the World" and which later morphed to "Fat Woman" then, this real tough one, "The Whole Family" (threatening, as it says, The Whole Family). They told me that i had Fucked the World because i had called a radio talk show, saying I wondered if AIDS could have been created. Later on, a BIG sign was THEY SET IT UP!! They controlled me Into saying this!

I was in a store and saw a picture, in a magazine, of Ricki Nelson and it said "The boy next door died" and i came to feel like it was a threat to me. I became furious, and started driving like a maniac. I drove on the median straight to the center of the city, 4th and Broadway, and parked on the sidewalk, got out of my car, flipping off whoever was doing this to me. After a few minutes I got back into the car. There was a Shore Patrol right behind me and within seconds, a police car. I didn't stop. He turned on his siren and the chase was on. I drove the wrong way on a one way street, and finally there was a police car cutting me off. I got out, gun to my head, the officer saying "get back, get back" to people nearby...

I went to jail for the night. I could hear the police radio and it sounded like people were getting ready to riot because of me, like people were on my side.

I got out of jail in a coupla hours. And you know what? My car was still there! I mean, i'm involved in a chase, even going the wrong way down the sreet, and they didn't tow my car. Not only that, the car was parked on the correct side of the street. How could they not tow it....it didn't even have registration. My voices, here again, in control, but they were actually helping me (they help me once a blue moon).

Then my voices helped me again. Two months later i went to Traffic Court, and i went to the courtroom and waited 1 1/2 hours. They didn't call my name. So i walked out and went to the receptionist and she looked in the computer and then she said "we have no record of this" And i was free to go. Well, i turned on the radio and a song came on, saying "Moving violations are easy to fix, just tell the DJ to fix it in the mix" meaning they zapped my case right out of the computers. Yay! Cause i think i would have been in a lot of trouble, i mean, getting in a chase, going down the wrong way on a one way street??

I ended up parking in Mission Beach. I remember having a bunch of library books about astronomy and i was sitting in the car, in a rain storm, reading books with a flashlight. It was real cozy, i must say. In a way.

Around this time I began going to a church on El Cajon blvd. I thought if i became baptised (in the name of jesus), it would solve my problems. Only thing, when you are used to hearing things with double meanings, it comes out negative, for example when you are praying you have to say "Jesus Come Into My Heart" and all i can think of is "Jesus CUM into my heart." So after getting baptized I felt like it just "didn't take" because of this. And, going to this church, i was almost involved with a protest against gays and lesbians at the Gay Pride Parade. Ironic since i ended up going there on the other side.

EARLY 1986I needed money so i stopped by a garage sale and bought a push mower, and drove to North Park. There i parked, with everything i had in this car, and began trying to get money mowing lawns. I was charging dirt cheap, just to get money. I did a huge backyard with a scythe and a mower for five bucks i think. A couple hours of work. I only got one job because, while working, I was told by the lady whose lawn i was cutting that my car was being towed! I went outside and found out she was right. My voices again, especially when i was trying SOOO HARD! Turns out it was because of registration. Everything i had in the whole world was gone, including my place to stay. I called the police and they told me it was at “Star” towing. Ironic, my voices telling me (sarcastically) I was going to be a star again, for the 1000th time. So here I am, just a little money or place to stay, all i have is a push mower. I tried to get more jobs doing the mower but when it didn't pan out, i ended up pushing this thing two miles, and then i just left it on the sidewalk. So I head to a friend's house in east san diego. Not much of a friend, though. I went to his house and when they wanted to go to bed I went outside and into the apartment laundry room, shut the door and lay down on the ground. I had some quarters so i turned on the dryer so i could get warm in the vent. A tenant came in and saw me and called the police. Well, they just asked me if i knew anyone in the building. Then they knocked on my “friends” door to see if i could stay there and they refused. So the cops drove me a couple of blocks over and i looked for a new place to crash.

Well, i went to an all night coffee place, like a Denny's, and drank coffee for a while. I was outside this place and it seemed like every car was giving me signs, every damn car. I mean, i felt surrounded. I had no place to crash and finally a drunk gay guy hooked up with me so i could crash at his house. We were in bed together but i hadn't been pushed far enough, and i wouldn't have sex with him. So i was there for a night.

The next night, needing another place to crash, i ran into another gay guy who was living in a van. It was pretty nice cause he had some kind of gas heater and damn, it gets cold at 2am. We had a radio on and it literally said "Get out of the car, get out of the car" and then we changed stations and the station was saying something like "go for it!"

Regardless, i STILL hadn't been pushed around to the point of having gay sex.

I had quilt my mom gave me and I went to a used car dealership. I wanted a place to sleep so i looked in a bag of trash till I found a coat hanger. Lucky for me, (there weren't many alarms back then), I just opened up a car and went to sleep. The next day when I came back to crash, the car had been sold or something, and i couldn't get into another car. My mom's quilt was gone, damn.

While walking down the street I looked at my watch and it said "5:05" and within seconds a car speeded by me. And, knowing Police Codes, 505 is reckless driving, so obviously, right then I saw a car recklessly driving. I know a lot of police codes and they used that to give me signs. Another one is, i was changing clothes at the beach and i changed my shorts for a second and, an hour later a guy says "what time is it? and i said "314 (which is indecent exposure". And if i look and it's 11:45, 11-45 means suicide.

That night (in what I consider a “hit”) I was walking across a street and got hit by a motorcycle, breaking my leg. I spent a couple of days in Villa View Hospital. When I got out i went straight for my mom's house, but she wouldn't let me stay there. So she drove me, with her husband, straight to downtown san Diego. Now I’m in downtown, with a broken leg, at 10PM. I take a bus to east san Diego and i found a battered car, no wheels, abandoned. Oh, i had considered suicide previously, driving across the Coronado bride when i had a car so, now, living in this abandoned car, i felt air blowing on me my feet, and i deciphered the message: “cold feet” (I had cold feet when considering suicide, standing on the bridge). I slept in the car all through the day, exhausted. When I got out, i saw carpet in the trash, and this meant “New Car, Pet (like, new carpet)” they were calling me Pet. As if, well, something to toy with, to have fun controlling. And in this abandoned car, the message was i had a “new car”.

At this time I had unemployment coming in. When it was running low i fortunately got a job at a jack in the box. It was horrible, the paranoia i was getting. I was a cashier and people would pay for the meal and the amount they paid would “mean” something to me. There were various machines that would have noises that meant something to me to. When i would sweep outside, every car's license would mean something. So i quit. Low on unemployment, I went to get General Relief (which meant to me, GRRRR, meaning they were mad about this), i was instructed to go to go to unemployment for proof of not being eligible. With one of the times my voices actually helped me, it turned out, even after going through the maximum six months unemployment, i was somehow eligible because of the two weeks at jack in the box. I mean, to get a whole set of benefits (6 months) of unemployment after only two weeks? Especially when i quit, and wasn't fired... I went to my “friends” house at night, hobbled with crutches and I threw up. It was about 7PM, and i called my grandmother; she let me in. I thought, fantastic, i could get caught up in my sleep. The next day we went on an outing and, with all the billions of thoughts, I had remembered something about 'S.L.A.B.O.” Don't remember the details. Anyway, that night I was laying in bed, and I became aroused, and my legs began to spread...and i thought, what does that mean? And i came up with “Spread Legs And Beat Off.” So I'm laying down and my voices start touching me. I don't remember how, but they began touching me and, I would think of a letter, and the finger that corresponds to the finger on a typewriter would get “touched”. So every finger i thought of was touched. This is when i first found out they could read my mind.

I'm laying there in bed, and, i wasn't a thin guy. Well, i turned around to sleep with the radio on the other side of me (my butt facing the radio) and this song comes on: "Moon River, wider than a mile" (butt = moon).

Well ya, the radio talks to me, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It's like the movie "Christine" if you 've ever seen it. Like when the star tries to open the car door and the radio says "You keep on knockin but you can't come in". THAT'S how the radio talks to me, through the lyrics of songs.

My voices would make me feel a ring around my neck which meant to me they were going to cut my head off and torture it.. And they told me they were going to cut my grandmother's head off and torture her too, and that the only way around this was for me to kill her and bash her head so that they couldn't keep her alive. But i knew it was wrong and refused to do it. Then they said would do the same thing to me. So i went to a liquor store and bought a big bottle of vodka. Then, on crutches, I went to three different bridges but just couldn't do it. They told me if i jumped they were going to cut my head while i was falling and float my head to...wherever. And if i jumped off a bridge, to "fall" it would mean fall backwards = LLAF, or "Laugh". Meaning if i jumped they would laugh.. After about 3 miles, 3 bridges, i went back to my grandmother's house but she wouldn't let me stay anymore. My mom took me to CMH (which, ironically meant, “Cut My Head”) and i got out in three days. I was wandering around and this black guy walks up to me and motions to him. We walk into the YMCA and he buys a room and gives me the key, and leaves. Never saw him again; I consider him an agent of, ummm, whoever is screwing with my life. I go up to the room and there are two mirrors. I look at one and i look fine. Then the other one is cracked (as if I’m so ugly i would break a mirror), and, looking in it i was ugly. The next day I go to another hotel. I began going to an AA meeting downtown. Weirdly, it wasn't alcohol, but, just a place to meet people; that's why i went. I didn't realize it, but it was my mom's weekly meeting she went to. I was stuck in the rattiest hotel imaginable and i wanted out...I felt there was no other way than to succumb to gay sex. My voices actually totally stopped any other way of survival; I was absolutely driven to it, pushed down, no options. Anyway, I met a gay guy there, and finally started having gay sex. He let me stay at his house a couple times a week, which was ten times better than the hotel. He took me to a gay AA meeting place, and i was stupid, i was hanging out and didn't even realize it was where alcoholic gays meet. I ended up being the slut of the hangout. Regardless, i ended up being screwed by three different guys.

MID 1986Here I met “bill”. He was about 40 years old. He began to tape me (sexually); he had all kinds of video equipment. Still falling for the star stuff, i thought i was going to be famous, with a XXX video that would haunt me afterwards. We would screw me two to three times a day.

Anyway, he had a dog. And I'm still here with this broken leg. He always criticized me, “I usually go for guys younger” (i was 25 at this point). While being screwed he always told me to masturbate and this kind of conditioned me to like gay sex. And the radio talked to me with a song that said "killing me softly with a song" kind of like catching aids. However, years later i checked and i'm hiv negative.

My voices were always touching me with “tactile” stuff. If they touched my middle finger it would be “sex" because when you flip someone off, it means "fuck you" and I've morphed it into meaning you want sex, if yanno what I mean. So, with sexual stuff always in my mind, his dog came around a table, and for 1 second, i thought of sex with the damn dog. I'm instantly embarrassed of course. Then the dog comes across the room, licks my middle finger (my sex finger) as if he wanted to have sex. Unbelievable. I saw a license plate around this time that said "DBAF" which to me meant "Doing Business As (a) Fag"

He took me to a Gay Pride Parade. They put on a good show I must say. Interesting thing that i was almost on the other side, picketing the parade, and now, well it's just the opposite.

One time I was at the bus stop after getting screwed and, looking for a good sign i thought what could "Cum In Ass" (look at the initials) mean? I quickly came up with C.I.A. Oh, the reason you look for signs is because you're looking for the rare "good" sign.

BTW, The word “bust” means like “caught” or “true” So when I think of a sentence (or write it down), If I hear sirens, car doors, car alarms, or any loud noise, they are there to punctuate the thought. For example, if I think “I’m worried I’m going to get in a car crash” then I’ll hear sirens. Or any loud unexpected noises. Hope you can understand this!

ANYWAYS!Bill would take me to gay AA meetings. And you no what i would do? I would scope out the lesbians at the meetings.

Each day he would drive me over by motorcycle, to an AA meeting. Then i would walk back, but sometimes I’d hang out and by the time i got home he would be mad. So one time this guy asked me to go to the beach and i went, forgetting we had a dinner with these two lesbians. I got home and he had my stuff at the door packed. So here I am again, a bag full of clothes and no place to stay. I called my grandmother, but no way. So i called a friend and he picked me up in a car, and sold it to me for 100 bucks. Yay, a new home! I slept in that for one day, then went back to Bill's; because i forgot some stuff.

So, I drove to mission beach to sleep, and woke up to a flat tire (thank you, voices). I drove about seven miles on the flat and saw a tire place and got it fixed for 15 bucks.

The car would overheat, so i opened the hood and saw a rainbow because of the hot water. This meant, "rainbow", (supposed to be a "promise" from God) morphed into "Ow Brain" (rainbow jumbled) and it's a "promise" from my "voices." that I not only Owed my brain, but that they would put in me in hell (hell being hot which is just like my car when it's overheating). This might be hard to follow, maybe try reading it twice.

And my voices always tried to make me refer to them as "God" and i can't, knowing my "voices" are just another human being altho they just might be a brain, i'm not sure.

I checked my account and started looking for a place to stay. I found a place, the guy wanted 300 bucks to move in. So i emptied my account and moved in.

While driving something went wrong and i parked the car. But i couldn't fix it at that time. In two days, with some money, i went back and damned, the car was gone. towed away or something. My voices again. So, a week after moving in, the new roommates kind of subtly informed me that they had killed their last roommate. Something like having a fight and the guy went through a window, had his throat cut by the shards of glass of the window. Didn't seem like a good sign. I was spending the days at the beach, drinking gross stuff (night train). I was arrested for being drunk in public, along with some other guy. The cop drove us to detox instead of jail, and the guy i was with told me we could leave, they won't do anything (you are supposed to stay 4 hours), so we took off, fugitives lol. We caught a cab, and got a six pack (it's legal to drink alcohol in a cab). I get back to the beach and DAMN, we run into the same cop. But you know what he did, he just said, i looked “familiar”... So i was living in this killer's apartment. One night there was an earthquake, and a caller said, while the earthquake was happening, a song came on that said “I feel the earth move, under my feet, i feel the sky tumbling down” So, at this point i thought, “how did they know there would be an earthquake?” and figured, damn, they are exploding nuclear bombs to imitate earthquakes. But, now i figure, they were setting this up, the caller was set up to call in the event of an earthquake and say this song was on immediately after any earthquake.. If you can follow. Either that or we are causing man-made earthquakes with nuclear explosions...which, i hate to say, i kind of believe just maybe they are doing that. Nuclear explosions mimicking earthquakes...i sure wonder about that one...

One morning, when i got up, one of the roommates (there were two) asked me for 20 bucks and i said i didn't have it. Anyway, i went to the beach, got some money from the bank, and came home around 8 PM. They didn't hassle me that night, but in the morning they started asking me who took their typewriter. I said I didn't, that's for sure (i mean, KILLING their last roommate!). They start saying, ”how come you have money (this evening) when you didn't have any this morning?” Which i said, “i went to the bank”. They said to “leave, right now ” very threateningly. So here i am again, no place to stay, kicked out, on crutches. And they owed me about 200 bucks worth of rent that they wouldn't refund.

Well, i later realized they had set the whole thing up. They had set the whole thing up.

LATE 1986 Ok now, i moved inside a nice house, and for 75 bucks a week. It was nice. I took a bus to Target and bought a TV. It was a nice set up. I stayed a couple of weeks til i saw an ad for a place for 93 bucks a month. So i paid in advance at the new place. I thought, wow, at 93 bucks a month i could go to movies, concerts, etc. But when i got there, the place was condemned, my rent was stolen by a guy who went to Texas; and channel 8 just left reporting this.

HOMELESS AGAIN!! I went downtown and found a truck parked in a paid parking lot. There weren't any windows but whatever. I went to Welfare and they gave me food stamps. I got them and i walked to every store i could, spending money so i could get change cause i wanted 75 dollars for a gun. While walking i saw a cop at a corner and i saw his gun and i seriously considered getting his gun so i could commit suicide. I got enough money for the gun but found out it would take 2 weeks before i could get it. Like i said, i was homeless on a couple of occasions but i always had a check coming in from General Relief or Unemployment. When i was outside i ALWAYS shaved, washed and conditioned my hair. Daily. I used to get hot coffee for shaving. Better than aftershave, actually.

I went back to the truck but it was gone. But two blocks away there was a small used car place and there must have been 20 people crashed there in various cars. I found one with a thick blanket and had a great night's sleep. That morning i hid the blanket and went to the beach. But my voices grabbed that blanket, when i got back it was gone. And it gets sooooo cold in the dead of night.

I rented another hotel. It was horrible. At least it had a color TV. But it sucked and I ended up sleeping on the beach with some guys cause I preferred it, even though i had paid for the hotel in advance. I had a place to sleep but preferred the beach. We'd drink beer during the day and crash on sleeping bags at night. I was with some guy called “Mexico” (he was Spanish) and one night we were heading to a playground to sleep. So I’m carrying a blanket and he goes into someone's yard and steals a barbecue. Needless to say, I was scared to death. We get to the playground and crash. The next day the barbecue that was right next to us is gone.

Being homeless, I heard a song that said "Dance All Night, Play All Day" which i perceived as "DAN PAD" if you look at the first letters of the song. what does that mean? "dan" (my name) and "pad"...meaning Dan get a pad.

I started buying the occasional lottery tickets cause i felt like people would do what I do, and i thought i could get millions of people to buy tickets and, in this way, i was worth millions of dollars a day (if people really did what i did and bought them as i said, millions a day) Next, i began staying at a van parked in a gas station; all night long i'm hearing orders from the drive thru at a Burger King. Occasionally some other guy would crash there too, showing up late at night. One morning I'm sitting there sleeping and my voices were giving me a tactile sensation, like a penis in my mouth. I'm fighting it and fighting it, then they turn me on, and finally i end up sucking it. Within two minutes a sadistic gas station guy opens the van and sprays me with water for five minutes or so.. I end up walking to a laundry mat and drying them off.

Back to the beach - a group of us, around 20 would crash on the beach. If you are homeless, it's kind of the best way to go, drinking beer, looking at beautiful woman. One day, around 2pm, while i was hanging out with the boys at the beach, i met a girl named Rachel. We ended up making out for like two hours. Turns out she has a car which she's living in, a block from the beach. My cousin was there and he was said that I could do a lot better. Well, that evening we crash in it. The next day i look and see that she has a five o clock shadow, she's a guy. Well, she did have a vagina.

Whatever. She doesn't have the key to the ignition, but she does something, and we're able to start the car. We took a trip to LA, the desert, the Salton Sea, then Julian. We got into a fight in Julian and i hitched a ride back home.

After that road trip I went to a Carl's Jr. in the morning thought "if there's a god, let me never meet her again!." Anyway, about a 1/2 a block away i ran into her...I have to admit, when she's all cleaned up, shaven and stuff, she wasn't that bad.

Anyway, one night I was walking in Balboa Park and i was way tired, and seeing a car with it's window down, i got in to sleep. Pretty wild, but I wake up and the car is driving! I'm doing my best to stay low, but the car keeps stopping hard and finally i fall down off the seat with a thud. Finally we pull over in sunset cliffs and he just lets me out without a problem.

Now, It's 4am and i get out and see another car with it's window open. So in i get. I had a radio on and the radio was telling me to masturbate. Then I’m being “turned on” at the same time, and i fight it for hours. About 2 hours (6AM) later, I'm sitting in the back seat and i see the owners, outside their house, doing stuff, taking out the trash and stuff. I decide i have to get out NOW. In addition, they have two dogs. Fortunately these dogs didn't give me away or anything. So at some point, i opened the door (the lights go on, of course), and headed away.

At this point i'm in and out of CMH, and someone clued me into social security. I signed up and after a long time it came through.

1988I end up at a board and care in El Cajon. A shitty one. A lot of people. One phone (a pay phone) 100 feet away. I don't know how but my family came across “chrysalis”, a board and care-type situation, but with treatment. It had nightly groups. Only 12 people but thank god, 6 girls, six boys. One roommate. Male (unfortunately, lol).

I stayed here the longest possible allowable, 1 1/2 years. The radio stopped talking to me (THANK FUCKING GOD). There was a window and it seemed like almost every time I glanced out, a “SAFEWAY” truck would pass by (focus on the word “SAFE”). I was required to go to a day treatment facility, and i took the bus daily. I had some happy times here at Chrysalis. We had 1 to 2 outings there a week. Horton Plaza, Sea Port village were the usual. There I met my (ex) wife.

After the 1 1/2 years at Chryaslis i moved in with a great guy...can't remember his name. I had my own room in a two story, two bedroom apartment. He was SO nice. He had an expensive bike and he said i could use it. Anyway, i went to my cuz's house one day and came back to find the garage door open. I didn't think anything of it, i supposed he left it open. When he came back well, it turns out his bike way missing. He didn't kick me out or anything but i felt so fucking bad, he's so nice, and now this happens.

I ran into a ham radio guy and he said it's easy to electronically make a garage door open...but it chalked it up to, once again, my voices. One afternoon my wife to be and i went to the Del Mar Fair. We had a nice day, but when I got home it turns out I lost the damn key. I hit the door, kind of softly, but no answer. After a half an hour I gave up and I was walking down the street and saw a RV parked in a gas station. It was unlocked and I got in. But I couldn't sleep because my damn voices were tickling me every couple of seconds. I'm trying to sleep and I have an itch and i scratch it...then again in another place, and I scratch it again...and another place...scratch, itch, scratch, itch scratch...ALL FUCKING NIGHT LONG !! IT WAS UNBEARABLE !!!!So I get out, and I’m heading home, out of my mind with anger. I ended up calling 911 about this. Don't remember the details but I was pissed. When I got off the phone I realized I might get caught, but I start going home and I saw a cop or two, and I think they were looking for me. Regardless, I made it home.

So with this guy, I stayed there for a couple of weeks.

My voices kicked in radical and I went to the hospital and when I got out I figured it was best if I moved. I didn't have enough money so I moved into a horrific board and care. One dinner, for example, was two hot dogs, beans, and only one piece of bread for the hot dogs. I did feel almost at home when a cat came into my room, a time for pet therapy. So one time I was sun bathing, with a fan on at the same time, and when I got back from day treatment, the fan was locked up in a garage. Furious, I decided to move. I then moved to North Park, a nicer type of board and care. The food wasn't bad at all. My wife to be moved out of chrysalis and moved to an apartment about 3 blocks away and I began staying there more and more. I'd bought a car for 600 bucks, packed it and moved in with her. The first day I moved there, I took a cigarette and walked around the complex and she was pissed. I don't know why. She wanted me to go back to the board and care. After awhile, she calmed down, and I ended up living with her for about 2 years. My voices got worse. They kept “touching” my pinky; that was a threat to my family, because the word “kin” is in pinky. The only thing that stopped it was by smoking, so I was smoking 3 packs a day. Consider this when she's a militant nonsmoker! I used to do anything I could to light up. First thing in the morning I’d go to 7/11 for a soda and, mainly, a smoke. I'd get her a soda, too. Also I’d check the laundry multiple times for a quick smoke.

1989She got a job answering the main phone at mercy hospital and I’d just chain smoke till she came home. I'd sit on the stairs to see exactly when she got home.

Voices were attacking me and her at this time. It was terrible, laying in bed, hour after fucking hour and getting no sleep. I was suicidal at this time and i used to fantasize ALL NIGHT LONG about it. You have to give her a hand because both of us would be up all night, and after not sleeping AT ALL, she'd get up in the morning, drive to the hospital and answer the phones. Admire her for that...

Still suicidal, i drove down allies looking for an open garage, where i could park my car in it, and leave the engine running so that i could die from carbon monoxide. In addition, i went to a home depot and bought a dryer hose and duct tape.

Couldn't find an open garage so i went to an empty parking lot, attached the hose to the tailpipe, opened one window just enough to let in the hose, and then i stuffed shirts all around the hose to stop air from leaking. I lay there waiting to die, and just inhaled for 30 minutes. Nothing. Damn.

So i went home to my girfriends house. She said i smelled smoky and i just said i had car trouble.

Some better timesWe got into wrestling and would go to the Sports Arena like every two months. One time Hulk Hogan was there. As soon as we arrived at the Sports Arena, the crowd yelled "fagot, fagot" and i felt like this was directed at me. THEN, when Hulk Hogan showed up, in a weird way i felt people were paying more attention to me than to him.

So after words, we're on the way home and this song comes on ...."Mr. Bigshot, who do think you are?....You think your higher then any star above."

Anyway, at some point she asked me if I’d marry her and against better judgment, I said yes.

We got married and our SSI/SSA checks got majorly impacted. Plus I was up to 4 packs a day !! And I couldn't stop the voices, the “Kin” voices. The ones that only stop if I light up... As i said before...a chain smoker and a non smoker (militant one at that) are NOT A GOOD COMBINATION!

I ran into a childhood friend and she let me move in with her. Her kids had their own rooms, she had one, and now me. I was just puffing away. My wife kept visiting almost daily so I’d smoke around her visits. Somewhere in here I began snorting crystal, and later, smoking it. The taste of it in your nose, combined with a cold soda, was just tasty.

So I was living with some girl and her kids, and her boyfriend would come over during the day, while she was at work, and we'd smoke crystal, and he'd answer his pager for deliveries. Some times he'd bring some other guy over and he'd snort incredible lines, say 8 inches long and 3/4 of an inch across. Whereas I would do, no joke, a one inch line by 1/4 inch. I figured my habit was $5 bucks a day. Affordable, LOL. One time we were doing a delivery, in my car, and this guy I was with came out with a sawed off shotgun. We put it in some cloth and put it in my trunk. Damn I was afraid of THAT situation. In addition, the roommate used to occasionally shoot off a 22 cal hand gun in the backyard. And i ALMOST burned down the damn house with my cigarette. We got home just in time to see a billow of smoke in my bedroom. Nothing happened, but it turned out one of the kids had cancelled the fire insurance so we'd have BIG TROUBLE if there was a fire. My voices pretty much controlled this whole situation and i'm thankful they didn't burn down an uninsured house...my voices could have TOTALLY screwed me. I might have end up shot or something.

I was having a lot of trouble sleeping now. I thought that since I only did crystal in the morning, it shouldn't be affecting my sleeping, but it was. I was going nuts. I was tossing and turning ALL NIGHT LONG. Cigarette...try to sleep for five minutes...cigarette...try a new position, cigarette, and just tossing and turning. Back and forth from cigarettes to trying to sleep, all night long. I asked my doctor for a sleeping pill but it didn't work.

Once, while i’m tossing and turning all night long, my voices “aroused” me, and I masturbated...then they aroused me again, and i masturbated again. Now I'm totally exhausted..and they made me masturbate again....I'm TOTALLY exhausted by now! Three times in three hours. And these were not your regular sessions. Each fucking time it took FOREVER, a real, real damn workout. It was so exhausting but i will say, it was the highest sexual experience i ever went through. And i DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN!

The next day was Christmas and, with no sleep, and chain smoking all night, my roommates said "merry Christmas" and they said when I returned the greeting it was almost like “go to hell”... "

CHRISTMAS 1989I was talked into going to the hospital now. Around New Years now. I'd quit smoking crystal and marijuana (the quitting date for both was Christmas 1990). I moved to a Santee board and care. A very nice one, too. Six people total. A celibate girl, too bad. I had an old car and drove it daily to a Burger King, and smoked up to a pack during each visit. Unbelievable. I had friends there, it was pretty nice. I'd order up a burger and read two newspapers. I got the people who worked there to call me "Norm!" when i arrived daily.

After a couple of months at the board and care i was getting itchy, wanting to get my own apartment, or a roommate situation because you have much more money than you would have staying at a board and care.

I had just enough to afford a place to stay so i took a chance and moved in with some old people. I spent my time at another burger king and kept myself busy. But my cousin was looking for weed and one day he called while the owners were on the phone and they kicked me out thinking i was into drugs.

1992I moved to el cajon. I finally had my own apartment. I began working as a delivery driver for a pizza place. I worked there for 6 months til the owners gave up on the business. I immediately got a job at another pizza place. They were kind of testing me and asked me, on the first day, to clean a trash can, which i did to perfection. I got in deep and cleaned it spic and span. One day i arrived and they asked if i had any black friends and i said, coincidentally, “a couple”.

Then i went on a delivery late at night and i got pulled over going 55 in a 45. The cop asked me if i was working and i said, “yeah, i deliver for a pizza place”. and he said, “really?, because it got robbed last night, by some black guys. I took the report.” He let me go without a ticket, and when I got back to the pizza place I said “you were ROBBED?” My voices controlling stuff again. PIZZA ROBBED BY GUNPOINT !!

I worked there for about 1 1/2 years til they, too, gave up the business. I worked hard. Every day between deliveries i would walk a ton of miles dropping off flyers, stopping each time they paged me for a delivery. In addition, in the morning, when they paged me at home, i'd immediately get up and drive in, pick it up, drop it off...I must have placed flyers on 90 percent of el cajon, no joke. After this job i applied at a KFC. In between deliveries i would do clean up and i was a hard worker here, too. One thing i didn't like is, when i initially started they said you'd take one delivery a time. That went up to 3 at a time. By the time you've driver all over the place, the last one was way late. And i couldn't trust that they'd packed the order correctly, so i was forced to take 3 delivery orders apart and check them so that i wasn't missing something, which always happened any way.

Anyway, during every delivery i was smoking, and it got to the point that when i wasn't on delivery, my voices would attack the “pinky/kin” thing, to where i couldn't stand it. Finally, it got to the point where, when they asked if anyone wanted to go home early, i was “ME!”. Even if i'd only been there an hour. So basically, my voices forced me off this job.

1995So i was living in el cajon. Hadn't had a girl in awhile, but “suzan”, a girl in the apartment complex asked for a ride one day and asked me if i wanted a blow job. For money. So i had her about 8 times, i guess. If i was in the mood, i'd kind of check to see if she was walking by.

Another girl around this time was a friend of my cousin's wife. We all went to Fiesta Island for a bonfire, and i noticed a sign on the cement around the bonfire pit that said "Caution Hot" and i thought it meant, "Caution....HOT" Like she's getting excited...! So now i'm getting excited...THEN I jumbled it up the letters (caution hot) to see what it meant and i got "Hot Cunt Action" which sounded GREAT! THEN TO TOP IT OFF I jumbled it just a bit and got "Hot Cunt Action.......NOT!" If you can see what i mean...

1995ANYWAY! - Section 8 came through and i moved to la mesa. Beautiful spot, long tall pine trees. Fairly large unit, too. I became a fixture in the neighborhood because i'd walk a couple hours a day on pretty much the same route. People at work would wave to me daily. It was around a 4 hour walk. Once i walked from la mesa to parkway plaza and back. Stiff hills involved, too. These were some unremarkable times; the radio wasn't talking to me at all.

11/2000After years of not being hospitalized, my voices attacked me BAD. I fought it and fought it. The last time i was hospitalized my voices got even meaner when i got there, so i DIDN'T want to go back in. After days of sensory inputs, voices, and stuff, my sister's husband picked me up for dinner, and i was soooooo out of it...i'd been looking for the newspaper all day, for example, and he came in and found it just laying there....and, as for the food, i was just touching it, didn't barely take a bite...so they talked me into going to the hospital. This was the first time i'd been to Bayview.

BAYVIEW (11/00 thru current)The beginning of going to Bayview was just a myriad, Kaleidoscope of voices. Things were happening so quick I just can't remember all the details. Finally around November 2004 I began writing down everything that happened to me. I was jotting down stuff as it happened to me and typing it up every week or so. It's not that nothing happened in between, it's just that, damn, there was so much stuff happening I could never remember. Tell ya the truth, I wish I started sooner because things that happened were even MORE unbelievable. Just UNBELIEVABLE...

ANYWAYS !The word “bust” means like “caught” or “true” So when I think of a sentence (or write it down) and I hear sirens, car doors, car alarms, or any loud noise, they are there to punctuate the thought, meaning "true". For example, if I think “I’m worried I’m going to get in a car crash” then I’ll hear sirens. Or any loud unexpected noises. Meaning "bust" or "true." It punciates the thought. Like, If I think "am I gonna have a headache?" then I might Immediately hear a horn.

Hope you can understand this!

SAME OLD STUFF (kind of a synopsis) 2005

Everywhere I go I get followed. When I’m with someone, it’s generally not so bad, but still…sometimes it’s so bad I feel like going to the hospital. Generally, when I go out in public alone, it can get like a pressure cooker. I shop every Saturday with my cousin (he drives) and for some reason the paranoia is off the charts…people right behind me, wearing clothes that mean something to me…talking to their friends with the words aimed at me…people talking on cell phones, talking, but aimed at me…or they walk by with a headphone radio and If I can hear It, the song Is even aimed at me…And it continues when I’m in whatever store I’m at, even the piped in music is aimed at me. So, I go out into public as little as possible…On Saturday outings with day treatment, when I’m with 5 to 10 people, it’s not as bad, I mean, I definitely get signs, but more sporadic rather than continuous…Oh, even going to the gas station, people in front or behind are hassling me.

I guess…either half of san diego is following me, or I’m seeing visual hallucinations. But they seem SO FUCKING REAL, I can see their hand, their feet, they are looking as real as real gets…I feel like touching people to see if they are real, actually I feel like hitting them because they are pissing me off.

So I get followed by animals, insects, people, and helicopters…

Sometimes I go to Long’s drugs and 90 percent of a time it’s a bitch, so I pay people to come with me. That helps.

Well, my voices give me tactile stuff, touching my pinky…when they touch my pinky I’m worried about my family, cause the word “kin” is in pinky…the only thing that fixes it is to smoke…so I’m like a rat, I get negative stimulus (touching my finger) and resort to smoking…and chain smoking…the anxiety I get if I don’t isn’t nicotine related, it’s more related to the touching of my pinky. Negative stimulus.

So every day my voices threaten my family. I am so scared for my daughter, hoping that she won’t be an “electric” schizophrenic. (I consider myself a normal person who Is undergoing something horrible, through the use of electronics.

When I’m waiting for the van in the morning, looking outside the complex, it’s like watching TV; people are doing signs, cars driving by with music aimed at me…a guy walks by with his hands in his pockets (H.I.P. -> like he’s “hip” to the situation) If you saw "the Truman Show", well It's quite a bit like this.

CMH

CMH stands for “Cut My Head”, which means, they say they are going to cut my head off and keep my brain alive…

RADIO TALKING TO MEEVERY FM radio station is talking to me except a talk show. When it gets bad I turn on a tape. Sometimes, listening to the radio, I’ll hear a snippet, change the station, and the next station will finish the snippet/message. THAT’S when it gets bad. At night I listen to AM talk shows, and when THAT gets bad, people that are calling into talk shows will be giving me messages. That’s when It gets tough, and I go to tapes.

DRILL SERGEANT

This is relatively new. Like for about a month I get these real tough voices, like commanding me, saying negative stuff. The only way I could think of it is like a drill sergeant. A tough, tough voice. 90% of the time he does It while I'm masturbating; telling me what to do, where to touch, saying stuff like "I'm better than Melinda (girlfriend), aren't I?

The weird thing is that yesterday I actually saw a guy taking a shortcut through day treatment, wearing one of those tan uniforms with a little insignia thing on his chest. MY drill sergeant, damn….

SO, I get tactile, visual, and audible, and smell hallucinations. For example, my cuz was smoking a cigarette in the car and it started to smell like mariuana. And it was just a cigarette.

CONTROL BODY

They control my body, all over the place. Sexually it’s like someone else is having sex with me.

RADIATIONWith all the radiation involved in reading my mind, controlling me and stuff…I’m worried about the long term effects of radiation.

SHOCK TREATMENTMy doctor has suggested shock treatment. I’ve talked to a few people…and overall they were against it. Regardless I’m considering.

BLANKA couple times a day my voices make my mind go blank. I’m just talking away and all of a sudden I totally forget what I’m saying…courtesy of my "voices."

Bad SignsIn 1994, I think, I was delivering pizzas and stuff, and I saw a street sign that said “Denver” and all I could think of is Bob Denver. I kind of just filed it away…then within a day or two I heard the news that John Denver was killed in a plane crash.

Now, I told my voices to call me (1989 I think) “king” cause I felt like a king, the king of the damn universe. THEN, in the 90’s, the Rodney KING thing happened and I am of the opinion someone (cia or something?) coordinated the whole thing, maybe to blow off steam in the African American community? From the camera man, to the cops on the street, the whole thing was controlled so it would happen just the way they wanted it to happen. A CIA controlled riot…

Now, two weeks ago, I was worried about something happen, getting hurt or something on Madonna's birthday. Maybe falling, or breaking a leg? Because I’ve of had a psychic link to her for 20 years…it’s not that she knows me or anything…because last year on her birthday I fell hard in my bedroom, almost breaking a leg. Sooooo, I was worried about something bad happening to me two weeks before her birthday and damn, what a surprise, SHE broke a couple of bones, yeah, on her birthday…instead of me…so believe what you will…

About three months ago, I think, my voices gave me the sign “JR”….now, they’ve called me JR for years…JR as in “Johnny Rotten”, or the bad guy “JR Ewing” in that show called Dallas…anyway, they gave me that sign, after NOT doing it for a long time and I guess, I just filed it away…

THEN about a week later, John Ritter died…as in JR…what a bitch…

ANOTHER SYNOPSIS - 2005Well, 16 years ago my voices started touching my left pinky. It's a threat to my family. Why? Because the word "kin" is in the word "Pinky." My voices do this unless I smoke and, therefore, i chain smoke. Like a rat in a cage. I get the "pinky/kin" stimulus, and i end up smoking. It can get so bad where you almost want to cut the fucking finger off! So, I started, in 1989, to cross my ring finger all the way around my pinky finger. I do this on the van on the way to day treatment and on the way home. Also, oh about half the time, i do this while reading the newspaper. And i ALWAYS do it when I go to bed. I wouldn't seriously cut my damn finger off. And if i was serious they would just end up touching the "stub" anyway. So, they touch my pinky, and i smoke to counteract it. That's about it.

JOBS – I would trade jobs with ANYONE…you put in your 8 hours…then your life is YOURS for the other 16…I put in my 8 hours, and another 8 hours, then 8 hours…then 8 hours…sometimes they even get into my dreams…and it just goes on and on each day….if i didn't have these problems, I’d get into computers ONE WAY OR ANOTHER…and move up…my voices, as I said, are a 24 hour a day, 365 days a year job, you get the jist…and, for a living it’s the shittiest, most fucked up way in the world to make a living…I survive basically…the daily grind at day treatment is fairly good…that’s seven hours…then I have 17 to knock off daily…I’ve been sleeping from 7:30 to 6:15…yeah, they can even make THAT tough, by making me have dreams, not always tho…but those sleeping hours are usually my escape hours…

As for day treatment, I come in almost perfectly because if I don't, voices attack me that whole day when i don't come in...I go to day treatment on Sundays, so basically I’m at day treatment 6 days a week…cause the weekends are my toughest times to deal with generally….

It’s been said that I have “Grandeousity”…people following me around, listening to my brain, you know the whole thing, I’ve said it a thousand times…all I have to say is, if I have “grandeousity”, then GRANDEOUSITY totally fricking sucks!

TYPOS – my voices can make me do typos, I’ll type something and I look and it’s a typo mispelling…and that typo is generally a bad sign…for example, one time I was writing a Father's Day card and I wrote "F" then "A" then, instead of "T" (father's day) I wrote "G" (as in FAG)

MEDICATIONS: I take my medications FAITHFULLY !! My cell phone goes off when it’s time…a backup is a pager set with 3 alarms…which works out good because sometimes I put my cell on the charger and it doesn’t go off but, thankfully, my pager goes off as a redundancy. Why do I do that? Because years ago I ran out of meds and that ONE FRICKING NIGHT things went bad…you wouldn’t think that missing my night dosage would be enough but damn, it sure the fuck was that night, I tellya…

So, as for meds…I keep track of them, I sign on the “meds needed” sheet (at Bayview), then check with the pharmacy to see if they’ve got them yet…I do a blood test every other week and it’s always me who has to remind the nursing office that it’s “time”…seems like ½ the time they don’t believe me either, til they go through some paper work and figure it out…oh well…I know exactly when because I will never forget when it’s time.

LAST WEEKEND…Saturday was tough….couldn’t get out of bed…got out to take a shower, combed my hair, took meds…read the Union…barely finished the paper…had to go back to bed…I couldn’t sleep…but just lay there…started to feel like…just a lil bit like I needed the hospital…got up again, drank a pot of coffee….back to bed regardless….thankfully I had day treatment Sunday and I fought like hell to make it to make it there…anyway, more coffee, a million cigarettes…being there helped…and through the use of Sunday program, I GOT THRU THE WEEKEND.

I call this the “quit smoking cough”…I have a tickle in my throat and lately, (the last 5 days anyway)…I take a drag and damn, I’m hit by a cough you wouldn’t believe…my voices have “helped” me cut down 50 percent, one pack a day instead of two…but…yeah, it’s good, but I don’t get the satisfaction of having a puff…if you see what I mean….

ALSO LAST WEEKEND…I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing this…but I’m standing there in the 99 cent store…grab about 8 items….and….everyone is right in my brain…in fact, everyone is kinda listening, everyone is silent…a giggle here, a giggle there….i get to the front and check the lines and the only one has a big line, so I’m kind of bummed so people start laughing just a little bit, laughing at me, here a little bit there a little bit. Laughing cause I was bummed about the lines being long. I walk around and notice they have tomatoes…beautiful vine ripened tomatoes, the kind I’ve dreamed of and at a great price….i see it, and my thoughts are Yay…and SOMEONE…laughs…I sneak off to an area where the junk foods are, candy, cookies, and stuff…someone walks by, looking pissed (cause I’m “breaking my diet”)....What thought is going to trigger what response? a thought an answer, a thought, an answer, a thought, an answer... a thought, an answer, ad nauseum...”I'VE GOT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE”...I stand outside, light up a cigarette “(mmmm my best friend).” Outside is not perfect, I still get the paranoia, but it's a hell of a lot better than being inside...same goes for every building I end up in, 7/11, mcdonalds, vons, whatever...the same process...thoughts being "broadcast". And listened to, what a bitch.

WHAT I GO THROUGHWhen at day treatment I feel like a regular person, I can socialize and talk to people and feel normal. Sort of, anyway.

But when out in public, it’s like I’m followed EVERY DAMN where I go. I truly am scared to leave the house. Just walking the few feet to my mailbox means I’m going to get five negative signs. I consider this world class paranoi! Or "Gradeousity", which fucking sucks…

So basically I don’t much leave the house.

On Saturdays I go shopping with my cousin and when I go into the produce market, 99 cent store, and Vons, people “do” stuff, usually making me mad. I walk around the store and people are right there every time. Every corner I make and someone gets in my way. If there is music in the store, the words of the song are “talking” to me.

When we go shopping and park, I tell my cousin “okay, here goes another personal appearance” (yanno, getting ready to go into the store)..

Sometimes we go to a fast food place on Saturdays and I can’t take the being in public, cause EVERYONE seems to know EXACTLY what I’m thinking. People laugh at my thoughts, it’s incredible. So while they eat I hang outside and smoke.

Also, my voices threaten my family unless I smoke so I end up chain smoking.

So that’s what I go through.

SUPPLEMENTAL FOR DR SABENGenerally I have panic attacks in public. I didn't realize they were panic attacks until I read an article about it in the newspaper, and found out that was exactly what i was going through. Very claustrophobic, even outside. The only thing that helps is to get out outside of any building I’m in for example, fast foot, department store, or inside anywhere. And grab a cigarette. It's kind of like every single person around me are doing "signs" to bother the shit out of me. If they are on cell phones they still talking to me. This even happens if i'm in a large mall with hundreds of people around. I feel all closed in and i have to get outside to escape.

What I get out of day treatment is that i feel like a regular person here and i don't get signs as much as when i'm out in public. Yeah, I still get stuff but it's ten times less. I really need day treatment; i quit for two weeks once and ended up in the hospital.

They do bad things to me, for example, if I pray with my eyes closed i seem to always see porn. IF THE PUBLIC KNEW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME THEY WOULD BE OUTRAGED! People schooled in ethics, heads of churches, "thinking" people would be on my side. What would the pope say? How about people teaching philosophy? How about people who protest testing on animals? What would the pastor at ANY FUCKING CHURCH, let alone the congregations, think about it?

Because they control almost every thought I have. Good, bad, nasty etc.

I thought of standing downtown with a sign saying "I AM PROTESTING MIND CONTROL AND, YA IT'S A BITCH!" but i think the cops would just pick me up and take me to some hospital.

I considered defecting to Russia. I thought of going to the Russian Embassy in San Francisco and applying there. My voices clued me in and said that they could control me there, too (Russia). They could control me anywhere in the world i went, basically. I'm trying to figure it out, is this being done by satellites? Defecting is not very politically correct but, damn, i wanted to do any damn thing to get away from the "rays" (beams of energy going into my brain, reading my mind, and WRITING my mind). I've come up with the term "writing" my mind meaning they put thoughts into my mind rather than just READING my mind. Actually, come to think of it, I think it’s all done by satellite. If they can keep track of some damn whale by satellite then how bout me?

Thought about going to Amnesty International but hell, they wouldn't believe me either. If you wanted to to fight against civil rights, what could be more basic? A person who can't even THINK in private??

Anyway, I consider the government (i.e. my voices) to be WAY OUT OF CONTROL AND EVIL. Knowing there would be people on my side helps a little. I think that i'll go down in history some way or another. Yes, i sure will, i'll go down in history. SOME time, I’m thinking, this will all get out…Maybe some one will be reading this book, 30 years from now thinking, OMG I can’t believe what they were doing to this guy!

There is something bad I do, I TRY to "use" my voices occasionally. Say I have a girl over at my house, well, sometimes I try to get my voices to "turn her on", and arouse her. I want this to happen but feel guilty at the same time because i'm using the "power" to excite girls. It could happen. And it would be out of her control. Ethically it's not too cool I've got to admit.

SOME STUFFMy voices are getting kind of pissed cause I won’t think of them as “God”. Hell, I don’t wanna pray to a “person”. Regardless, sometimes I’ll pray and damn, I slip and realize I’m praying to “them”. Then they say, “just think of us as a little g.” So I’m battling this…

Golf Have you noticed a slurry of “holes in one?” I KNOW "the force, the power" whatever, control various sports…For example, In golf, sometimes a guy hits a LONG hit, and it magically hits the ground, then rolls, sometimes oh so slowly…RIGHT INTO the hole…Electronically controlled golf I'd say…

Traffic lights are being controlled. On the way Into day treatment. Just to piss me off.

CIGARETTES – my voices control my cigarette smoking…as I always say, I’m always being hit by a beam that causes a “generalized feeling of anxiety” and an attack on my family. ONLY a cigarette will do the job of reducing it. If I get up at 7AM, my voices already know exactly how much I’ll smoke by the end of the day. It's anxiety because tactily It's a beam that threatens my family. Basically, i feel a tension on my pinky. And the word "kin" is in pinky. So I feel tactile stuff on my pinky, and therefore it's a threat to my family, therefore I smoke. And, if i smoke, they tone it down just a little bit. And how do you handle this "kin" feeling in this situation? If it only calms when you smoke? By chain smoking, how else? So, since It's the only thing whereby they lower the "family/threatening" ray, or beam, that's all you can do. I'm like a rat; hit a certain point, you get a response…I feel like my family is threatened, unless I smoke...so i chain smoke.

ANIMALS – they give me signs. Here at day treatment a couple of times a week a black cat crosses my path.

WEIRD – even animals give me signs.

This is weird, but I was thinking about the sun and thought “it’ll use up all it’s nuclear fuel in 5 billion years” and I felt sorry for the sun…i just feel stupid for thinking this.

LASTLY – I’ve said this before but sometimes I’m not sure if the thoughts in my head are mine or what?

UPDATEVoices tried to convince me they did the tsunami with a nuclear bomb but they finally reassured me that it wasn’t true, but damn the between time was a bitch – thinking all those people died.

There’s a commercial I hate that talks to me when it says in the end “for the rest of your life." Like my voices saying they will hassle me "for the rest of my life."

They keep making me brush my right wrist with my left thumb – like they want me to slit my wrists.

I swear some day someone's going to answer my thoughts. I’ll think of something and someone will right out answer.

I keep hearing the song, an oldies, that says “this will be the day that I die, this will be the day that I die;" the meaning is obvious.

When I was sleeping in a car, the voices blew cold air on my feet…meaning “cold feet” cause I backed out of killing myself earlier in the day. That I had "cold feet" when crossing the Coronado bridge.

Again, when I pray they will screw it up…if I have my eyes closed I’ll see pornographic stuff…once I was trying to get "saved" by Jesus and I was praying and praying, then I saw a naked jesus having sex…that ruined it for me…I thought maybe I had thought of It but now I realize they put the thought Into me.Weather stuff…I think they can burn holes in clouds, sometimes everything around me is gray, and a spot of sunshine comes through.

I think that some people around me want me to commit suicide and it’s a very depressing feeling….

Masturbation – when I occasionally masturbate, I realize that MY hand is THEIR hand…and it’s a guy…so some dude is masturbating me…MAYBE it’s a girl but they tell me it’s a guy…a gay feeling for sure.

Saturday I threw up, I don’t know if it was because of stress but I heaved twice…I use a metal turkey tray for cigarettes (I call it the world’s largest ashtray), and it was fortunate that I had it cause I heaved in it twice, then it was sooo gross I immediately placed it into a dumpster.

Last week I talked to dr. saben and he told me once he had a client who felt like world war three was his fault and I said, hey yeah, the voices told me that I was responsible for the early 90’s Gulf war…so I guess I’m not that special which is JUST FINE WITH ME!

Another commercial that pisses me off is this one. First, my voices tell me to commit suicide, jumping off a bridge, THEN the commercial says “you can do it. We can help”…

Well, in spirituality group the pastor was saying “hope” is like air and water…you need it…and I thought about and said “well I DON’T have it….

A song that bugs me, David Lee Roth has a song that goes, “Jump. Might as well jump, Go ahead and jump” Suicide, duh.

The television (sunday, march 5) told me basically that this started when i was 14 years old and that they were monitoring my life, although my symptoms didn't start until i was 25...I was always in advanced math and english, I did almost no homework, and I skipped out with my girlfriend 2 to 3 days a week for sex and still had a 3.3 average (i made the honor roll). What we did is my friend, these two sisters, and me, would go to school til 3rd period, sneak over to his car and take off to my house. We waited til 3rd period cause they took roll and it counted as “being there” for that day. They we'd go home and screw.

ANYWAY ! Sometimes it’s cloudy outside, and sometimes it seems to clear up on purpose...well, damn, i was sitting outside, it was cloudy, and the song comes on that says “here comes the sun, it's alright” and damned if the sun didn't burst through right on target...so i think they can burn holes through the clouds!

This song was aimed at me (my voices talk to me like i'm a guy sometimes, and a girl sometimes, I figure it makes it twice as easy to send me messages) ”She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey”

Animals are controlled, too, like when i went to the zoo, a gorilla came charging from 40 feet to be RIGHT IN MY FACE, like he wanted to kick my ass. It's a sad situation, but some guy went into an animal cage a year ago or so because he said the animals were “motioning him to come in” and I've got to say i could understand how it happened...That exact thing could happen to me...i dunno but, maybe i'm just smarter or something but i would never do that (climb inside). I mean, an animal could have easily given ME signs like that, but i would never be that stupid.

Anyway, In the first couple of months of my problems, i was trying to get “Christ” in my life, i was holding a bible and saying “I love you Jesus”, repeating this over and over....then my voices switched it around into something sexual....like “I love you Jesus” for gay sex...i could never say those words again, pretty my ruined it for me, i put down the Bible for good...

MARCH 21 1005

My voices know that I want to lose weight and they say, “don’t worry when you get cancer you WILL lose weight”

I went to Sea World last night and things got kinda hairy, paranoia wise and I thought I’d go from Sea World directly to the hospital. Or that I would have to get in the bathrooms and just hide..

All the radio stations (fm anyway) “talk” to me. And if someone is listening to a headphone radio, THEIR radio is talking to me, too. Even, say, someone walks by and i hear 3 lousy seconds, that little blurb will be talking to me.

My voices directed me to a 99 cent store with CHEAP cigarettes…they said, "hey you’ll die but at least you get cheap cigarettes."

Helicopters follow me around….”CHOPPERS” like in “chop her”…my head off.

I know people often think they are Jesus, and I went through that faze thinking…just maybe I’m jesus? THEN, within 20 minutes i thought i might be the antichrist Instead.

ANOTHER SONG: last week all morning my voices told me to be a prostitute…I take it all in stride, not seriously as I use to…and I turned on the radio 30 minutes later and the song was “Roxanne, you don’t have to put on the red lights”…ha ha ha.

For awhile they would untie my shoes, it drove me nuts, finally I just double knot them.

Sometimes…a couple of times a day….my head feels like it would just explode…

I consider the middle finger to be the “sex” finger…as opposed to flipping off (fuck you) it became (fuck) as in something good, it was GOOD like if I saw a cute girl they would “touch” my middle finger, my "sex" finger.

Anyway, I was living with some guy, and his dog came into the room and my voices "touched" my sex finger and for ½ a second I thought of sex with the dog…THEN the dog walked across the room and licked my middle finger, as if he wanted sex OMG. So I can understand about that guy who went into the gorilla cage because the gorilla was “motioning” him to come in…it could happen to me, except that I wouldn’t go in.

Last week at day treatment….everybody “seemed” to be laughing at my thoughts…everywhere I went….it just puts you in a pissed off mood.

Sunday, March 20 at day treatment was tough..my voices were making me paranoid…I was tired cause they woke me up at 4am…and I was anxious, which, it seems like you can’t be tired and anxious at the same time, but I was…THEN they gave me a headache for a couple of hours…but yanno, when they give me headaches I kind of feel like I deserve them because of various thoughts over the day.

Sometimes you basically wonder…like when you go to a grocery store….is there literally 50 people following me around? Or is it just paranoia, who knows…

When I hear a fire engine sirens I wonder if they are my fault?

I smoke because my voices threaten my family unless I smoke, so therefore I chainsmoke…it’s also a “Generalized Feeling of Anxiety”…the initials are G.F.A… which morphs to “FAG”…

Saturday I bought some strawberries on sale, they were GOOD…then I got up at 3:30 in the morning to smoke on the balcony and the song that came on was “strawberry fields forever."

If I buy a bag of potato chips, next thing you know I ‘ll be surrounded by fat people…If I light up a cigarette, then I see people in wheelchairs with oxygen…

When I lived with this guy I saw a license plate that said DBAF…I morphed that into “doing business as a fag”…whatever….I guess my business administration education helped me out here, lol...

I was living in my car and I went to this guys house, and he wanted sex, but, since I owned a car and could sleep there, I turned him down…then he started putting socks in a bag….the initials are SIB…”socks in bag.”….which morphed into B.I.S. which ended into meeting “Bisexual (is) Bull Shit”…like I'm not bisexual.

I like asian chicks cause they are generally thin…when I went to sea world (on the 12th) the FIRST thing I saw when I got there, while at the entrance…was 50 asians chicks and they seemed to be giggling about the whole situation….

I haven’t done it lately, but when I’m surrounded by people in public…I think “don’t you have ANYTHING better to do?" I’ve said it out loud…but now I just “think” it, I guess it kind of gets my feelings known either way…"I say, DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO???" And I guess the answer is, "no."

OH, the last time I went to sea world was in 1988, I was living at a board and care/treatment center (they had groups)…and the paranoia was bad and I just waited in the van the whole time while everyone was having fun…For hours.

APRIL 4, 2005

Well it was a tough weekend though with some silver linings. First of all, my cuz came over for our weekly shopping…We went to the ATM and then to the 98 cent store where I buy super cheap cigarettes…it was there that I discovered I’d left my ATM card in the machine…Luckily, I had enough money for my necessities, that being cigarettes (LOL), where I bought 5 cartons with the money I’d taken out…

I was scared to death, cause if I left my VISA card in the machine, someone could choose “another transaction” and take 300 bucks out….So the bad part, leaving the card in the machine had a silver lining cause no one had used it…I’m thinking they might have realized there’s a camera at the machine maybe?….So I called the bank, no dice, no one had returned it, so I gave up on retrieving it and called the 800 number to make my card invalid…whew…I must have checked my balance (at Washington Mutual you can do it automated) 15 times….

Now I know that my voices set it up that day, made me forgetful like that….i mean, not getting the card back…

Ok, they can control me and make physical things happen and it did, for example this:

First of all, they made me forget my ATM card…so I get to the produce place, with just enough money…and I got a bag of 10 apples, but there’s no ties for the bags (which they did on purpose), so I put them in the top of the shopping cart (which was also open on purpose)….and (of course) the only shopping cart available had a weird wheel, you know, turning sideways whatever…so I’m walking around and damn, the fucking bag of apples opens, goes through the top of the shopping cart, and 8 apples are rolling all over the floor (ALSO ON PURPOSE !!)….and I hear laughing in my head and in the store…and nobody was there to see it, it was around a corner, but everyone in the damn store seemed to be laughing at me…so I’m down to the last two apples, bending over and then they made my sunglasses fall off, so I’m pissed…I put them back on and THEN they made my headphones fall off my head…I hope my voices were having fun cause I wasn’t…

SOOO, apples are done, sunglasses were on me, headphones in place…and NOW sonofabitch, I reach in my pocket and I discovered that I’d lost my shopping list! I searched, backtracking but it was no go… I mean it had like 20 items and I can’t remember every item….i’m feeling exasperated by now…feel like throwing an apple into the wall….

Now people are just getting in the way, like, in a narrow one cart way, damned if SOMEONE didn’t just have to be there…on the good side, I took a deep breath, and, courteously, just shoved my cart out of their way…”thinking, damn, ok, I can take this I can take this, I’ll be outside soon, where I can grab a cigarette…

Well one sign that came out of this is this…(I mean this is how I think)…and my thought was…I could have lost 300 bucks this day and I didn’t…so I considered they were giving me a sign to buy a tv (the color tv I have now basically looks black and white)…figure I “saved” 300 bucks, I can spend 150 and still come out ahead….

ANYWAY, that was the weekend of 4/2/05….

I ALMOST burned down a house ten years ago….so I get scared when I hear fire trucks, I feel like it’s a sign that my apartment is on fire…so when I get home I’m always joyful to find it ok…Like, I KNOW (95 percent) I didn’t leave anything burning…because I have my morning cigarettes on the outside porch….the only other thing I suppose would be the coffee machine (did i leave it on?)I get enhanced paranoia when i hear fire trucks.

SIGNS: I can walk out of my apartment at 8pm to check the mail and always see 5 to 10 signs…Let’s see, I have some donuts and I’ll immediately see fat people like “that’s gonna be you”…and usually they’ll be wearing the same colors you are wearing…damn…

Lately I’ve been eating a lot of cheese and butter, cause I feel like my voices are going to give me cancer so by eating all this junk I’m committing “suicide by diet”…as in heart attack…

I’ve recently learned that someone isn’t only in my head, also, I am “computerized”…cause I feel tactile sensations, touching my fingers, hands, and in my booty..and I realized it was done by computer because I can think of any part of my body and IMMEDIATELY feel a sensation there…way faster than anyone could react, respond….i’m a damn cyborg…

Let’s see, what else….well, the “following around” deal is this….i seem to be followed around by helicopters, people, cars, motorcycles, animals, even damn bugs…I guess they are visual hallucinations…I mean, not there…but they look real, whatever….but you could probably touch them...are they real or not? Are 100 people following me? I can see their feet, see where they touch the ground...DAMN i feel like they are real!

I used to be into watching professional wrestling…one time I went to the sports arena and the crowd seem to be watching me instead…(Hulk Hogan, a big wresting star was there) and they started chanting “fagot, fagot, fagot”…I’m like…”ok I can handle this”….so I’m feeling like real important. Like i was getting more attention than Hulk Hogan, like they were all here for me, like I'm more important than Hulk Hogan...so later after leaving…a song comes on “Mister Bigshot, who do you think you are, higher than every star above?”

Yanno when you are on the phone and someone says “good bye?”, my voices turn it into “Good Bi”

About 2 weeks ago my voices told me they were female…they asked for a kiss…so finally I do it and I FELT a mustache, gross….

Whenever I close my eyes I see hardcore porn….it’s a wonder I don’t walk around with my eyes closed all the time lol….

I am afraid of watching the news, cause they blame me for half the shit that goes on in the world…I watch the munster, cheers, or maybe mash, instead….

Sometimes I can think of a song and within 2 hours I hear it…sometimes immediately, I mean, I think of a song, turn on the radio and there it is…I’m trying to figure, was the song put on because I thought of it, OR, did they put the thought into my head, and THEN I hear it on the radio…I’m leaning toward the second situation, they put the thought in….

Won some tix to Rod Stewart…didn’t go…didn’t want to stay up late and, hey, just as well, cause I’d hear signs from HIM….

Oh, I was listening to 99.3 radio station (oldies) and they had a contest where they said you can “control their station for a day”…I thought, hey, that sounds interesting, but what do you call controlling FIFTEEN stations a day lol???…let’s see…90.3, 92.5, 93.3, 94.1, 94.9, 96.5, 98.9, 99.3, 100.7, 101.5, 103.7, 105.3…ok, that’s only twelve LOL LOL…

As for the OPS/CLUBHOUSE PROGRAM, I NEED it, when I’m at home I’m “catastrophizing)… For example, my lease at my apartment was coming up and I was afraid they’d cancel it because I keep getting followed around by U-HAUL trucks (a sign to move)…THEN I thought, I’d have to move in with my cousin…then I was worried that I would say something in my sleep that wouldn’t be too nice..he’d kick me out, and I’d end up being homeless til I found another place to live…all that worry for nothing, my lease was renewed yay!

When reading my mind, I just don’t know where my thoughts end and theirs begin…like yesterday, I was typing an email and I typed a word and at the same time they said it on tv….

I feel, ummmm….nationwide….

Oh there’s a song that goes “unlimited funk”…you know how you hear a song and THINK you know the words then later you find out the words were different? The point is, “unlimited funk” I feel like the words should be “living is fucked….living is fucked, it’s a put on…."

WHEN VOICES ATTACK (APRIL 8, 2005)

Man I went thru a helluva attack last friday…this is real hard to explain but I’ll give it a try…IF you can follow this you’ll understand just what happens when the voices attack…torture in a real way…

So Friday night I’m ready for bed, normal time…7pm, but I’m wide away…then it’s 8PM…and the TV is kind of talking to me…and I’m starting to get scared, will it continue when I jump into bed?

Anyway, FM radio stations all talk to me, the lyrics talk to me…but when things go bad the TV and AM radio stations talk to me. It’s like people who call talk shows are saying things aimed at me. So for escape I tune around and ALL AM radio is aimed at me, what a bitch. News, spirituality stations, talk shows and ALL OF THE STATIONS on AM are aimed at me.

Even the spirituality shows give me negative messages…for example, I tune around, hit a Christian stations and the first words I hear is “Focus on the Family”, I mean, ordinarily it’s a GOOD thing…but now it just sounds like it’s threatening my family…

Tactile stuff starts popping up, and it becomes a combination of tactile stuff and radio stations (AM and FM) and TV…

TACTILE STUFFThis may be hard to follow but if you get by this you’ll understand just what happens when voices are out of control….

When they touch my big toe (it’s a long story), the message is “true.”

And when they touch my “Second Toe”…It morphs to S.T…which morphs to T.S., which means “tough shit”

So the message is "KIN"(a threat to them) is "TRUE" (is true) and then "TOUGH SHIT."

I don’t have to go through the motions, it’s just that when these tactile things occur I instantly get the message….weird stuff but after you’ve been programmed for 20 years, well you know what I mean…

So my voices give me messages via code words, such as:

"Kin, Family, Relatives, Focus on the Family, It's all relative, clan"...or an incredible variety of words...

If you turn off the TV or radio, it doesn’t help because you get these negative things jammed directly into your head, you "hear"them and they do the “pinky”, “true” and “tough shit” tactile stuff, directly to your body, and it’s kind of a wash as to which is worse, tv and radio, or thoughts being put into your mind directly, if you know what I mean…oh, even tapes don’t help…I could listen to an hour’s length of a Christian service and regardless get negative messages, you could hear stuff about the antichrist and then think you ARE the antichrist... it’s so hard to explain…

So (again, when voices attack) I get a threat to my family, every ten seconds or so, (I’ve timed it once), which can stress you out to the max…especially when you figure this runs on for hours…So what did I do? First I lay in bed…and get the same message…watch tv…the same message, listen to the radio THE SAME FUCKING MESSAGE!? I ended up going from one distraction to the other, bed, tv, radio…nothing helps. You yearn for sleep…FINALLY in bed you fall asleep and get wonderful beautiful sleep….escaping for a while…until about an hour and a half later, you wake up and realize it’s starting on all over again…torture, you wake up and “Oh my God not more!”

So in 12 hours you get about 3 hours of freedom (sleep) and the rest of the time is devoted to this mental torture…

Figuring, you can’t take it anymore you start thinking about hospitalization…damn….loss of freedom, no exercise, cigarettes once an hour, roommates and you know that you DON’T WANNA GO…but what can you do? So you start thinking, ok, what do I need…in the suitcase….shampoo, conditioner, sunglasses, money, batteries, all the necessities…cancel the newspaper, put a message on the phone, what a bitch.

THANKFULLY, just when you are considering finding the “800” number (to the hospital)…and you’re getting ready to arrange for transportation (from my cousin)…and you’re thinking about packing the suitcase….it slowly dissipates…THANK GOD, THANK GOD!!

That’s the best I can do…

So you are on top of the world for the next two days….considering that you could very well be in the damn hospital!! You start to appreciate ALL the little things, trees, grass, friends, cell phone, cats, dogs, family (oooops), television (when it’s NOT talking to you), exercising on the steps….yes there IS a God…

KMART AND OTHER STUFFI went to K Mart a coupla days ago and the song on the speakers was "she's got it, yeah, baby she's got it" and it made feel like my girlfriend had aids or something.

It is totally weird but i feel like i'm in a vide game with someone controlling me every second. Micro managing me to the point where i don't know where i start and they start.

I hate it when people say "it's all relative" because, to me, it sounds like a threat to my family...yanno, focusing on the word "relative"...

And when people tell me to "be strong" I interpert it to "B.S."

Same thing when someone says "think positive", it makes me think "positive" as in testing for diseases or something.

Some times when i'm listening to a radio, another station will cover the station i'm listening to, with a bad message. It usually just lasts a couple of seconds. One time I was listening to a song and another station came on and i heard "who the fuck are you?" which means to me WTF, which morphs to "The Whole Family"...weird stuff, but after 20 years of programming, you KNOW what WTF means. Immediately.

I'm naughty but i had a girl coming over and I wanted to make some dirty videos, and i was fantasizing, not planning. I don't even own a video camera. The next morning on the way into day treatment, I saw a license that said "MACNMAR". I knew it was a sign so i tried to figure it out...finally i spelled it backward an got "Ramming Cam" - or, "Ramming Cam (era)" (if you can decipher this.) X-RATED STUFF..

I'm considering shock treatment, hoping to escape my reality for a time...it kind of sounds like a modern day lobotomy but...anyway, I feel like i had an impromptu version of shock treatment because my voices gave me two seizures...at least that's how i feel about it, that they CAUSED them.. anyway i'm just asking for opinions from my family and friends. I'm worried about being able to take care of things, paying rent, bills and stuff. (after shock therapy)

This is embarassing but almost every night i lay in bed with my legs spread trying to get into the most relaxed position, and i'm SO tired...THEN my voices start screwing me in the butt (for psychologically-minded read "tactile hallucination"). Then my voices say "do you mind?" and i'm soooo tired...I'm too tired to fight...and i say just say "knock yourself out." This happens a couple of nights a week, althou they "penetrate" me a dozen times a day. I mean, i can just be walking the steps and i can feel them doing this. Actually more than a dozen, come to think of it.

Hmmmm...around 1988, where i was living in a treatment center (we went to day treatment during the day and had a group every night) it must have happened a hundred times, but i'd look towards the window and, just in time, i'd see a Safeway truck (as in, "safe way").

This is ironic but i keep hearing a song called "sweet child of mine", and i realize it's a damn threat against my daughter but i like the song so much, it's hard to tune away.

My sister had a car with the license "GYA" (and some numbers) and, obviously (to me!) it stood for "GAY".

There's a song by Prince (i've liked him since 1978 when I saw him on tv) called "Erotic City" To me, the part "erotic" meant "horny." And the "City" part meant, everyone around me. So this song meant that everyone around me is horny.

I feel like i'm going thru "world class" paranoia....I've had incredible signs from various tv shows...Conan O'brien had JohnTravolta on and he sang "Danny Boy" about 4 months ago...Another time on Conan they had a sketch with Conan talking to a suicidal guy....named Dan...and they talked him out of it. Then, to the Dan, they played "that's what friends are for....in good times and in bad times i'll be on your side forever more, that's what friends are for".

The cigarettes i smoke are called "seneca" and, to me, that morphs to "Canse(r)", as in cancer.

Damn i walked into the bank last week and some old lady is in there with an electrical scooter AND outfitted with oxygen...like that's going to be me..and it just might be but what can i do, i mean, my voices hit me with a "beam" that gives me a generalized feeling of anxiety and a threat to my family that only stops if i smoke...it's NOT a nicotine addiction, it's a beam....and with the anxiety I get a threat to my family. God I've said this a million times but, they touch my "pinky", the word "kin" is in the word pinky, so it's a threat to my "kin"/ family and it ONLY STOPS when I smoke and, therefore I CHAIN SMOKE. Enuff said.

Here is something that NEVER happens but, about two weeks ago i saw a pretty girl, with a guy, and i thought "you're pretty" and just in time i heard her say, from a distance..."thank you"....because, when i'm out in public, people are talking to me, even if, they are talking to someone else, or even if, say for example, they are on a cell phone...They say i have grandeousity and i guess i do and it SUCKS!

Yanno, if i call customer services from ANYONE (cox cable, verizon, telephone), well i know my voices are controlling it because the name of the operator will ALWAYS have a meaning to me. I guess they transfer any number i call to.."someone."

When people rev their engines around me, the sign is "Rev Eng" which means "revenge"....but sometimes it'll be like "rummmmm" and, just for the hell of it i think "rummmm (and) coke"...altho i don't drink at all, and haven't in four years. So I am TRYING to think of "rum and coke" but, in my heart i know it's "revenge".

Occasionally stuff ends up missing around my house...and then i find it months later...voices fucking with me again....

Anything electronic around me is controlled....watch, pager, radio, cell phones.....one time i pressed in some presets on my radio and the next day they were all there, but reversed....

What a horrible sign ! I saw a lady who looked like my mom during chemotherapy, with no hair....Talk about a mean sign...they are saying "that's what you are going to look like when you get cancer"

My voices told me, when i'm in public, my thoughts are "gold". I don't know what else to say.

In the very early times i remember hearing a "click" like my phone was tapped and i remember getting very indignant thinking, "this is the United States, my phone shouldn't be tapped!" Now i think back years later, dam now i have my BRAIN tapped, .....sonofabitch....having my phone tapped was the LEAST of my worries, looking back...

Maybe it's a coping skill, but once, as a joke, I thought, "Just pretend all these people following you are paparrazi"....well i got a great laugh when, a couple of hours later, I was walking down the street and some guy walks by with a camera with a zoom lens....i thought that was funny....

I WONDERI Wonder…remember the “Night Stalker?” (Richard Ramirez). He said AC/DC songs were talking to him, I guess to kill people. I’m wondering, did he go through what I’M going thru?” Because songs on the radio talk to me ALL THE TIME (but not to kill)…except when, back in the 80’s, like ’86 I believe, back in the beginning of my mental health problems, I was living with my grandmother and they told me they were going to cut her head off and torture her brain. It sounds weird but I believed it. And they told me, if I killed her it would save her from getting her head cut off and tortured. But me, myself, my very soul wouldn’t go through it, I just knew it was wrong no matter how “right” it seemed to be in this convoluted, weirded out world…

And how about the “son of sam?” He killed people because his dog was telling him to kill people. Well, I’ve had messages from animals including a gorilla at the zoo who, when I arrived, came running straight at me like he wanted to kick my ass lol…And a dog once licked my middle finger…my middle finger is the “sex” finger because when you flip someone off it’s “fuck you” except I interpret to be a good thing…”fuck you” as in having sex with someone. And a dog came across the room once and licked my middle finger like he wanted to have sex, OMG…

Back in ’85, again, at the beginning of my problems, well like, when I masturbated I would hear a rocket-like sounds that got louder as I pleasured myself (I lived by the airport) and it pretty much climax when I climaxed. Then it would fade away. This happened a number of times and I felt like I had POWER with my sexuality….

BAD SIGNI was listening to the radio three days ago and a rolling stones song came on:“here it comes, here it comes, here comes your 19th nervous breakdown” which they are saying pretty much I’m going to have one, although it would be more like my 39th, if we were a bit more realistic.

About being followed WHEREVER I go…I know they must NOT be there, because it involves people, animals, and even insects….but it seems LIKE THEY ARE SO REAL…so vivid, I feel like I could reach out and touch the person. They are real from the front, the side, from the behind…and their feet touches the ground. Damn….But, in the movie “A Beautiful Mind” they show the guy with schizophrenia talking to some people and then they show them from above and NO ONE IS THERE. So, they either ARENT’ THERE, or else ½ of san diego is following me. Like I said, even insects do things to piss me off. Last week, hoping it’s a GOOD sign, I saw a guy with a shirt that said “You’re voices aren’t true” so THAT seems good…

Anyway, sometimes I think of a word, or type it out, and I immediately hear it on TV.

Radio stuff“you’re so vain, I’ll bet you think the song is about you, don’t you don’t you?”And, yanno, I DO think the song is about me…maybe not the singer’s mind…but, someone…

AEROSMITH: “dude looks like a lady” Yeah, I’m a chick..

Another song, this one from the 60’s “You’re dirty and sweet you’re my girl.”

MUSIC AIMED AT ME: “you must be a special lady, and a very exciting girl, cause you’ve got me sitting on top of the world, sitting on top of the world”

This morning I saw a license plate that said “WVU” which I interpreted as “WUV YOU” (love you). I tell ya, with lovers like that, well, you don’t NEED no damn enemies…

I realize my “voices” were there LONG BEFORE my symptoms came up. My mom had a paranoid episode where she put my ham radio outside because, I think she thought it was “listening” to her. I didn’t understand so I put it back in the house. I think she went to the hospital for a couple of days. This was TEN YEARS BEFORE my troubles…To me, this meant my voices were “monitoring” me since 1975 (my problems started in 1985. Yes, they were monitoring me before I actually KNEW it, before I discovered it.

I’ve been exercising, climbing steps for 1 ½ hours a day. I got cocky and thought “I exercise as much as a damn football player!” A little bit later my voices said, sarcastically, “yeah, right, Junior Seau.”

I was watching a spirituality Christian service (TV church) and within a ½ an hour I went to feeling I could be Jesus, to feeling that I could be the Antichrist.

Lately I’ve been feeling like my head is going to explode….

I’ve decided, if they can monitor a whale by satellite, they can monitor ME by satellite(s). I’ll bet I could go ANYWHERE on earth.

I’ve had a dream, probably 10 times, where, I’m in my living room at 4AM and my mom is in the bedroom, and I’m waiting to see if she was going to come out and stab me. I remember thinking, “If I get through this night I’m going to move. I think sometimes she DID come out, but I don’t remember the details. But she didn’t come out to stab me. FINALLY, I had a dream where she did come out, but was dressed appropriately, going to look for a job…and we hugged and kissed and, after those 10 times, finally one that ended well.

When I masturbate and touch myself in a naughty place, my voices say “that’s my finger touching you inside, that’s my finger up your butt” and then a song comes on that says “I’m special, so special, gotta have some of the old attention, give it to me” then it says “gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs, gonna use my FINGERS, gonna use my, my imagination.”

Occasionally I wish I was a girl…no surgery, no hormones or anything, I just kind of wonder. Then my voices say “your booty IS your cunt”…Of course, if I was a chick I’d be a gay one lol…Also, my voices give me the feeling of being a girl because, sometimes they screw me up front, and I can feel a penis inside me. I can feel it deep inside me, just like if I had a vagina. Sometimes (especially last night) my voice screw me from the front (like a vagina) and through my booty at the same time. Today, while climbing the steps they were screwing me from the front, behind, and “putting” a penis in each hand…it just makes you weary and it’s hard to fight all the time.

BAD THOUGHTSMy voices often use ALL THEIR POWER to make you have a bad thought… they lead you and lead you and lead you and FINALLY when you give in, and have the thought, THEN they use all of their power to making you feel guilty for having the thought, which, if not for them, I wouldn’t even have had the thought in the fucking first place anyway.

One thing I battle with is my voices threaten my step dad Tony. They threaten him and say something like “wouldn’t you like to inherit some money?” and I say “I DON’T WANT IT THAT WAY, NOT WAY AT ALL.” And they keep on and keep on keep on, so I battle it a lot… THEN when I see tony I feel soooo guilty, and damn it’s a bitch.

MASTURBATION MARATHONWell I masturbate big deal who doesn’t?” Occasionally, though, I have a “masturbation marathon.” What happens is, ok, I’m going to it and I get to a weird situation, kind of like I went passed the orgasm…So you have to kind of start over. So you go for it, but it keeps happening. But you’ve invested this much into it that you have to go on. Like I say, it keeps happening and now it’s been an hour…FINALLY you get there, but whew, what a damn workout. And you are kind of afraid to do it next time cause you don’t wanna go through the same thing again. (the only reason I’m mentioning this is because my voices totally controlled the situation).

This is way out of sequence but, oh, back in 1986, when my voices were just starting to kick in, and I didn’t realize they could read my mind, well I went through one day looking for positive signs. And you end up having a billion thoughts, but one of them was “SLABO”…Hell, I don’t remember how I came across this thought but it was the initials of something that happened…

Anyway, when I got home, I’m laying in bed and could feel my legs spreading…then my penis was being aroused. And I thought about it and came up with the message “Spread Legs And Beat Off” (as in SLABO).

Lastly, because of the kind of girl I like, the media (FM and NEWSPAPER) say “I promote Anorexia"….

MAY STUFF (2005)First of all, I keep putting it off, but at some point I want to get into a tunnel, underground, to see if my voices could follow me there. One of these days. I tell you, if I did and I felt “free” underground, well I almost feel as if I would live there. But, with my voices, “someone” would end up walking by, probably a person a minute. Damn.

A SMORGASBORD OF THE RADIO AND TV TALKING TO ME:Pretty trippy but I was watching a padre game a coupla days ago and a bat came flying from a batter’s hand, and into the crowd. THEN the announcer says “there’s some lumber going into the crowd,” and I look down on the newspaper and immediately see a half page picture of a lumber yard! Scary, but true.

SONGS AIMED AT MEIt is better if you know the song so you can “sing” it in your head; I think you could follow more effectively that way:

“no where to run to baby, nowhere to hide”

They are calling me a chick with these two…I think sometimes they call me a chick, and at other times they call me a dude because I figure it’s easier to give messages to me. Kind of like, twice as easy, if yanno what I mean…

You, make me feel like a “you natural woman, a natural woman”

“man, I feel like a woman”

This one really hits home (because they are talking to me and it is sooooo true):“You’re my obsession, You’re my obsession, what do you want me to be, to make you sleep with me?

And I answered, in my head…be a chick! That’s what I want you to be…but it’s like on the internet, my voices could tell me they are female when actually they are a 65 year old dude, you know how true that can be…Also, focus on the word “obsession” in the song…because they are obsessed with me, big time!

They are talking about masturbating with me later with this one:“Looking for some hot stuff, baby this evening, looking for some hot stuff baby tonight”

This one has two meanings…”downtown” either means being homeless on the streets of downtown san diego OR (the one I try to think about) it refers to a girl’s private parts…Downtown…Admittedly, IT’S A BATTLE, because the song has separate meanings at different times, even within the song.

So, it goes: “Downtown, things will be great when you’re downtown, no better place for sure, downtown, everythings waiting for you, downtown, downtown." Read it as in "downtown" (a girl's vagina) and then once again as "downtown" (being on the streets). Like I said, I perceive It as two different ways, even within the song. Sometimes It's a vagina, sometimes It's "downtown' as I downtown San Diego. Damn.

NEXT In this song they are calling me a woman and other B….S…..“You are the woman that I’ve always dreamed of, I’ve known it from the start….I saw your face and that’s the last I’ve seen of my heart”

This one is about having two chicks at the same time:“It takes two to make things go right, it takes two to make it out of sight”

WHEN I WAS LIVING IN A CAR:

“Dance All Night, Play All Day”…the initials are “DAN..PAD” as if, start looking for a pad, a place to stay…

TV COMMERCIAL:“At Earthlink, we revolve around you”

About being fickle with chicks:“You may as well face it you’re addicted to love”

About them “masturbating” me (controlling, touching (as in tactile hallucinations):

“All night long” (the initials are ANL, but to me it morphs into “ANAL”, then the song continues: I’m gonna give it to you all night long (anal” - meaning, all night long AND anal).

Radio station 99.,3 always says, just when I tune in “you are sooo cool”…one day I heard this, and I went to do my laundry, and a girl, just as I was leaving, said “stay cool”.

HALLUCINATIONS:Well, I’ve gott’em all. Audio, yeah I hear stuff, radio stations all talk to me, visual the tv talks to me (just a few times a day), tactile, yeah I get touched all over the fucking place, their “favorite” place seems to be my butthole. They touch it a bunch a times a day, sometimes they “lick” me there and tell me “cunninlingus” because they say that my asshole is a pussy, so they are giving me cunninglingus…Unfucking believable huh???

I seem to occasionally smell stuff too. One time my cousin was smoking a cigarette and damn, it smelled like weed for a second.

Sex stuff: basically, I get reamed from the front of my body (it feels like it’s, well, as if I had a pussy…and it goes in, I can feel it inside…and the booty, too. And if I wanna see porn I just have to close my eyes. Sometimes I’ve experimented and I told my voices what I wanna see, porn-wise, and yanno, it’s instantly there.

Early on:I literally thought if I stepped on a crack it would break my mother’s back, so I would walk where there weren’t any cracks, or in between…

HELICOPTERS These fucking things fly very lowly over my house, sometimes a couple of times a day. I mean the apartment literally shakes….I used to get really scared thinking they went through all this trouble to do this to me, and how important I must be, but, at this point, I think they are just “electronic” hallucinations (yanno, they electronically make me see them). It’s less scary thinking of them that way…because helicopter is a “chopper” and they tell me they are going to “chop” my head off…but when I see them I just think “OK, I KNOW YOU’RE THERE!”

FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE NEXT:I tape Christian “television churches” and a coupla days ago I watched 15 minutes of one of them, put it on pause, threw in a tape about a girl getting it in the butt, did what I had to do, and then went back to watching the spiritual stuff. WHY? Cause I’m watching the show and my fucking voices “aroused” me, a big fucking hard on…and I couldn’t control myself…and that’s what happened…the reason I told you about this Is because my voices totally controlled the situation.

EARTHQUAKE NUKES:I’m going back and forth on this one…I seriously wonder are they making man-made earthquakes, like an earthquake caused by a nuclear bomb? I just don’t fucking know. Sometimes I believe they do, sometimes I don’t.

GOOD SIGNI was reading a newspaper and the headline said “You children aren’t doomed”, God I pray for it to be so…

RADIOOccasionally I’m afraid to change channels on the radio because I feel like I could hurt someone's (my voices) feelings because they played a song they THOUGHT I'd like but didn't.

LATE MAY 2005

Well, the last time I wrote some stuff and I said I felt like a porn star, but that’s so yesterday thank god.

This weekend I went shopping at the 99 cent store. Usually it’s a hassle finding a shopping cart but I lucked out, there was one, and only one. So I say to myself, “my voices are being nice to me today.” So I start pushing it and after 10 feet it turns out one of the wheels was stuck….double crossed…then arriving at day treatment, at the spot where I climb steps for an hour, I find, at the bottom of the steps, two cigarettes, my favorite brand, and I’m thinking again “my voices are being nice to me today” , so I try to light one and damn, double crossed again, they had holes in them…

RADIO TALKING TO ME

Oh, it’s even like this…if I walk by and someone has a headphone radio on and i hear it for 3 seconds, I'll get a message.

Here’s another”

“Little girl you’re so young and pretty, and one thing I know is true, you’re gonna die before your time is through….” On the other hand the song also says, “girl, there’s a better life for me and you….”

My dad wants me to fly to Washington DC and I’m afraid to go…the song goes:

“She’s got a ticket to ride, but she don’t care”

I chose this song because it is meaningful, to be played when I die…so when they play it, I want people to think of me…

“It’s a dead man’s party, who could ask for more?”

Although, this song has a seemingly positive thing when I hear this:“Don’t be afraid of what you can’t see”

Falling in love: I just cannot conceive falling in love with anyone, I just can’t…so this song came on:

Stupidly, my voices tell me they love me with this one:“Oh, baby, wouldn’t you agree, you and me have a groovy kind of love?”

This weekend at my sister’s house we lit an outdoor fireplace and this song came on:

“come on baby, light my fire”

More of this “I love you” bullshit from the radio:

(Elvis) “I can’t help falling in love with you”

This song comes on when my voices are telling me to go to the hospital:

“I’m coming up, so you better get the party started”

What this means: "I’m coming up” (to be hospitalized the 3rd floor) “so you better get the party started.”

This song turns gay:“Let me be the one” then I saw in front of my face a mustache…and they continue “can I be your (gay) lover?” while at the same time they touched me in a naughty place…

More gay stuff“So kiss me, tell me, let me tell you I’m in love with you” and again I saw the mustache and damn I finally relented and kissed my voices, omg.”

In writing all this stuff the thought crossed my mind, “best seller?”, then I realized the initials of best seller is B.S.

Ten years ago I did fly to Washington and in Minnesota, I think, well, we were supposed to connect with an airplane…turns out the plane developed a leak and couldn’t fly and I KNOW my voices caused this problem.

As for all this freedom talk, being memorial day, I thought, well, fuck, how about freedom of THOUGHT???? &%#$# (**&^## !!

On the way to day treatment on Saturday, we drove past a cemetery and I thought “I wish I was there”…Not a serious thought, just a thought In a passive way…Yanno what my voices said? “give it time bitch”

A week ago I was sitting on my porch, gazing out towards the road and it was kind of like watching TV…I saw cars, trucks, people, and dogs, all doing “signs” to me.

STEAL STUFFMy voices occasionally tell me to steal stuff, but I just don’t go for it anymore…cause 4 years ago while in the hospital someone was drying clothes and my voices told me the owner of the clothes wanted me to have them, he just didn’t want to do it directly. So I’m standing there and after 20 minutes of the voices, I stole the clothes…

Well the next day staff wrote on the board “did anyone accidentally take the clothes?” Accidentally meaning, “steal”…I immediately went to my room and brought the clothes, and told them how my voices convinced me to steal it, and well, he didn’t even get mad at me.

So now, if I see stuff unattended, say laundry or whatever, I refuse to take the stuff.. I don’t fall for it anymore. Doublecrossed again.

SATURDAY WALKING TO LONGSBeing in the public was tough on Saturday…

First I walk about 20 feet and there’s a fence that says “South Bay Fence”, so the morphs to “S.B.F”…Now “SF” always means “Safe”….adding the “B” means “SF (is) B.S.”, or, “Safe is Bull Shit”….

Then there’s a guy on a scooter (like for handicapped) ; the sign is that I’ll need a scooter…next, there’s a guy collecting cans (like I’ll be collecting cans)…then, I have a negative thought (don’t remember what that was, actually)…and I hear a car horn honk…not a lot just a tap…(when they honk it's like to punctuate the point) I seem to have sounds follow me everywhere, and traffic noise seems to be turned up a notch, I can hear every car and every engine…and I DON’T DARE listen to the radio because sublimally I realize it’s going to be real negative, mean to me, threatening my family….then I see some graffiti, it’s distorted but it looks like “June” (my sister)...so it’s threatening her.

And just before I got back to Bayview my voices out and out said “SAFE BS” (in my head)

Finally I get to the gate at Bayview and immediately feel relaxed and safe (ish).

ANYWAY!

I’m still thinking about finding a tunnel and climb in it to see if my voices can “get” me there…

HEYAbout six months ago I fell down in my bedroom, and my leg was just aching…I was trying to decide on whether to go to the hospital to see If I broke my foot…I turned on the radio, hit a station or 3…still tuning, then immediately, the next station, the DJ says “don’t worry about it”…interestingly, this happened on Madonna’s Birthday. I've had a psychic link to her since 1985. Every August 19 I wonder WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN on her birthday.

I’ve kind of fiddled with the idea of going to Amnesty International…I figure I was what you would call, a human rights violation (to the max!)…but then I realized, they would just think “well, he IS in a mental hospital.”

My mom died in 1989 and within two months of that I saw a car license that said “YO MAMA”, and it was all I could do to not smash into that fucking car.

MORE RADIO TALKING STUFF This one really hits home: “with all the people I know, I’m still a lonely man”

Flattery: “you’ve got the most stunning blue eyes I’ve ever seen”

In 1985 I hitchhiked and ended up in San Clemente…For some weird way, having watched “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”, I thought that I would go through what he did, in the movie, but anyway, I’m walking and I saw a Shopping Cart Pushed Over, and that meant S.C.P.O. which meant “San Clemente (is) Pissed Off”…

Also in 1985 I “picked” Madonna and Cyndi Lauper…I don’t even know how to explain…I just don’t….anyway, the two are not friends…but in early 1986, both of them ended up in the same elevator, strange, but true. Two famous people, that I "picked" ended up on the same elevator way after I even picked them.

HOW I AM DOINGI still wonder if every radio station is talking to me, or if I’m just listening to a bunch of CD’s, that they are are cueing up for me to listen to. So maybe they are just controlling It so that It sounds like a radio station…sometimes the station will say the time or something and I realize, I mean, I believe that the radio stations really are talking to me. So, hey, I don’t have a job but my claim to fame is 16 radio stations really are talking to me, for whatever THAT’S worth….

IMPORTANT

I REALLY BELIEVE that Jim Carrey is going through SOME of what I’m going through, at least how songs talk to you because I read an article about him and he was going to a meeting somewhere and he heard “all you need is love” just when he got to the meeting and it he said it was “so perfect” to hear the song at that particular time. They say he suffers from depression, too, so….

Yesterday on the way home from day treatment I got into a spiritual mood and started just looking at plants and trees and shrubs and stuff knowing it was all a sign from God. But even that got fucked up cause I saw a palm tree without it’s top and that made me think about getting my head cut off…unbelievable, I was sure that I was in safe territory and, well even that had negative stuff against me, damn…

And yanno, as for rainbows, you would think THAT would be a sign from God. Well it is, but it also makes me think of gay sex because the colors of a rainbow flag signify “being gay”. And my voices tell me that they are my colors.

This sucks, but about 3 days before John Ritter died I got a “JR” sign. “JR” in my world means “Johnny Rotten” which Is what my voices always used to call me. But they stopped doing that for like 6 months. Finally, after a long time, they called me JR and I just filed It away. Days later John Ritter died of a heartattack. What the fuck.

I was listening to a radio station a coupla days ago and the DJ asked what a caller was doing, and she said she was “at work” and I thought about it…and decided I am “at work” when I’m awake, and sometimes while I sleep (they can give me horrible dreams)…In this weird “computerized” world, I am working hard. What am I doing? I am THINKING for a living. As I said before, it’s a hard job, and it doesn’t end when you get home, cause you are “thinking” continuously until you get to bed. I sleep 11 hours a day, and “work” 13 hours a day. So I’m putting in a lot of overtime lol…

PINKThis happened just the way my voices wanted it to go…

I was living in a tiny hotel room. Like 1986. Had no friends, and my family kind of rejected me (although now our relationships are very good). My voices were doing the “pinky” thing….which means, they “touch” my pinky and it’s a threat to the family because the word “kin” is in the word “pinky”. Like i've said 100 times.

ANYWAYS!So I’m battling mentally trying to come up with SOMETHING positive with the “pinky” thing, to fight the "tactile" stuff. The pinky is throbbing and ALL YOU CAN THINK is "kin" as a threat to them. So I go outside and a guy walks by and sells me 5 naughty magazines for a coupla bucks. This guy was a set up, and the next sequence was totally planned...

I’m checking them out and on the front of one of them was the word “Pink”. Which can stand for a chick’s vagina. I thought about it and finally realized I could think of a girl’s vagina, as in “pink” instead of the threat to the family (meaning kin). So at this point I’m kind of jazzed thinking anytime the pinky thing goes off I can think of chicks.

So, as is their custom, they aroused me and I began fighting them, thinking of:A) a girl’s private places ORB) the “kin” meaning

So, in my head, it's "pink" KIN then "pink" vagina....trying my damndest. It was a tough job. So I’m touching myself and reached the “goal”.

I relax for a coupla minutes and then the “kin” vs. “pink” thing starts up again, yanno, the tactile stuff on my pinky. I fight it and fight it trying to stay positive…and I end up masturbating again.

THEN, I rest and the pinky thing starts up again…and I fight it and fight it but I can’t masturbate my whole life. So it’s a losing proposition. Thankfully, my cuz called my mom cause I had said something about jumping out of the 3rd floor window of my hotel, and cops came and took me away, to the hospital.

RADIO TALKING TO ME“If you kiss me then I’ll kiss you back” Problem is that I “see” a mustache in front of my face and I know I’m kissing a man…

another song says “I know you sleep around with different guys” and I’m like, when I masturbate maybe it’s a different guy each time…so fucking gay…although I’m hoping there’ll be an occasional girl mixed in…I mean, I wanna see a girl…but, yanno, like on the internet, you could be talking to a guy when the person says it’s a girl, so this is like the internet though only 100 times more personal…my voices touch me in various places and TELL me they are in control of my finger or hand or whatever…” like they’ll say “that’s my hand touching you there and EVERYWHERE” whatever..

“if you touch me cutie I’ll touch your booty” and and then I feel it in the butt…

If I see a guy wearing a shirt that says “levis” it morphs into ‘Elvis” cause you can spell elvis with the letters in levis. Then I hear “I, can’t stop falling in love with you”…my voices giving their all undying love for me I guess…

I gave some pages to a treatment coordinator and he said it was interesting…I thought, ironically, I told him I’m glad he thinks my living hell is interesting…

Yanno, I think my voices could actually give me a real close shave without touching a razor…just a few radio waves and that’s that..

When I have a headache I think..”I Have A Head Ache”…the letters are HAHA… like “ha ha” they are laughing that I have a headache…..

In the early years when I was seriously considering jumping off a bridge I thought ‘FALL” which backwards is LLAF or more like “Laugh”…jump off the bridge and fall and my voices would laugh…I’ve been at the edges or bridges four times, just THAT close to doing it…but with a very dry sense of humor I thought “I might get hurt doing this”…I would just look down and down and down, and cross the bridge like 5 times and just couldn’t do it…

Another song said, “Is it so frightening to have me on your shoulder”…I thought about having an angel and a devil on my shoulders, one on each side….

Sometimes I avoid the radio…for hours at a time. A week ago I avoided the radio for a couple of hours, and when I turned it on the next song was “bitch, bitch, the bitch is back”

I was listening to a song and it said “the end is coming soon”, then, immediately I heard static…Sta Tic means ST, and backwards, TS, or, tough shit…as I said before, I don’t go through all the motions, it’s just that when I hear static I immediately think “tough shit”.

FLATTERYThey are saying:You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you, you’d be like heaven to touch” (then they touch my booty) “I wanna hold you so much” (then they put their arms around me)…

People say “how can you live alone?” and I think about it and decide, even laying down on my bed I’m not alone. I'm NEVER alone, never ever.

This is weird but EVERYTHING I say, and EVERYTHING I look at is video taped, or more accurately, I dunno, put on a DVD…My voices can see whatever I see, it's like camera one (left eye) camera two (right eye).

I’ve said before, I think Jim Carrey is going through the same shit, I really do…and in that show “Liar Liar” he was talking to someone and the guy had a filing cabinet (on Jim Carrey), and Carrey (in the show) wasn’t impressed ‘til the cabinet opened and the file was like 30 feet long…I absolutely think there’s a huge file on me, and many gigibytes on the computers…

As for erections, well, you gotta understand ½ of them are done by remote control…all this sex I write about well, they are just out of my control…

Occasionally I see, even with my eyes open, vaginas…I could read the paper and next thing I know, wow there it is…what can I do? Not my fault…and they say “Dontcha like it?” to which I can’t help but say “yes”.

About a week ago I saw Bayview maintenance guys drilling a hole with some type of contraption and four of them were controlling it…shit, I ended up thinking of four guys drilling me in various places”.,…sorry

As I said, all the sex, well I can’t help it…I mean, if I want to see XXX rated stuff, all I have to do is close my eyes…don’t judge me too bad, please…

And as I’ve said before…with the ultimate in technology, I “THINK FOR A LIVING”…I don’t know that I produce much at all, but damn, 15 radio stations are talking to me…and the newspaper, and the TV blah blah blah…

GARTH BROOKS:“I’ve got friends in LOW places” which occurs to me cause I’m followed around by homeless people…people pushing shopping carts, collecting cans…we went on a walk last week with Kristi and I told her I had a “sign”, it was a shopping cart sitting next to Carl’s Jr…it went right over her head, but to me it was a sign…that I’m going to be pushing shopping carts…

Also I seem to be followed by the occasional limo. “you’re going to be in a limo someday”)…U Haul trucks (“you have to move”)…and an occasional Rolls Royce…The shopping cart "sign" happens a hundred more times than the limo, though.

VOICESThey said a week ago “We go to A LOT OF TROUBLE keeping you on the edge, not too horrible, not too good”…although whatever they say, sometimes I’m STUCK in the horrible, just fucking sick of the shit, I don’t wanna hear another fucking “I love you”, “touch me” or whatever. Cause I know eventually they’ll get mean at some point.

So I listen to cassettes a good part of the day…

My last g/f, “Sandy”, well we broke up because…MAINLY cigarettes (I’m a chain smoker, she’s a non-smoker, and she would get mad every time I light up)…but also because of my paranoia. I’m afraid to leave the house. She’d come over and we’d just watch TV and she would get bored, wanting to go to the beach, movies, like a regular person. Just walking to the mailbox I’ll get a couple of negative signs…

Shopping at K-mart is GENERALLY not too bad, yeah I get signs and stuff, but I go through the side door. Grab what I want, maybe check electronics, then, hit the side door, out in minutes. And I'll STILL get a sign or three.

But going to Long’s Drugs is a real bitch, for some reason…I have film that needs to be dropped off and picked up occasionally. But i put off doing it because by the time I get back to Bayview I’m all pissed off…Regardless i NEED to do some picture developing, so i usually TRY to get at least 3 people to go with me, it helps...just a bit...sometimes i'll see shopping carts along the way (sign: i'll be homeless and pushing one). Just a smogasbord of signs.

I’m thinking about a certain girl and the radio (and my voices, right now as I think of it), comes on and the song goes “Never gonna get it, never gonna get it”

I have “signs” just typing because they can control my typing…yesterday I was trying to write “Father’s Day” and the first letters that came out were “FAG”…

Only I would think of this, but with 25 years of programming…I came up with this:I saw an EDCO trash truck…My cousin’s name is Ed…then I look and there’s an orange band of color which reminds me of a U Haul truck…which means to move…and I come up with “Move in with Ed.”…all this a from trash truck and a band of paint…

MORE RADIO STUFF“You’re the object of my desire, hey you really turn me on and on and on”…for what THAT’S worth…

“No handsome face could ever take the place of my guy…He may not be a movie star but when it comes to being happy – we are”

OH this is weird…this morning a truck carrying tons of bananas crashed covering 3 lanes, and Howard Stern was talking about bananas all over the place…funny thing is, Stern was on a tape delay…so he was talking about bananas BEFORE the crash…if you know what I mean…

JULY 2005Well, let’s see…

A coupla days ago I was climbing the steps and skipped smoking for a bit…then I thought “hey, maybe I can quit!” And the voices respond with “Dream on”

Oh, this is fucked…I bought a $250 MP3 player and spend hours and hours putting songs from cassette tape into the player…

I was up to 180 songs and one day decided to listen for awhile..I looked and it was broken! DAMN…touching the buttons didn’t do a thing. I’m going crazy at this point…after 20 minutes of trying to fix it, I gave up. I sat down, sooooo disappointed, I mean $250 bucks for nothing, and damn, ALL those songs, and hours and hours…

SO, my voices screwed me there (I KNEW my voices had a hand in this)…So I turn on my other radio and fucking A, a song my voices knew I wanted badly to record came on (“Love is Blue”, a great instrumental). They did this just for a “tough shit” type of moment.

THEN what did I hear? A song that went “I feel good, you know that I would”….just to be SUPER SARCASTIC, cause, I mean, I wasn’t feeling good.

That evening I called “Creative Labs” (creative labs made the mp3). I thought I was to blame, cause I wore it while climbing stairs…I thought maybe I bumped it too much or something…then, they fixed it over the phone! I don’t remember the details, but it involved taking out the battery and pressing some buttons. And the best thing, my songs were all intact!

The next day, the SAME song comes on…”I feel good, you know that I would” and THIS time it wasn’t sarcastic! And I DID feel good. Ironic, one of the rare times my voices actually HELPED me.

For a while, my voices were playing love songs; they were saying they loved me…I fell for it, hook line and sinker. I was the ultimate sap! One time I was listening to one station and another one came in, just for a second, and said “we love you.” They were playing love songs all day and night, it seemed so real. For example, Elton John was singing “How wonderful life is, when you’re in the world” What a sap. Finally, I heard a particularly loving song, and after it ended, the DJ was laughing, and he said something like “think again”. Like I said, what a sap. Humiliation….NOW when I hear love songs, I just remember that guy laughing at me, to keep it in perspective.

I try to listen to tapes so I don’t have to make my voices work hard, if you know what I mean, what with having to give me messages and stuff. So they can relax and stop playing songs over the radio for me to hear. One day I forgot to bring a tape, which meant I was going to have to listen to the radio all day, and I kind of said “I’m sorry” for making them work so hard, and they responded “No prob”.

A quickie here…I was masturbating one day and my voices said to just let go control of my hands. I did and then they masturbated me…as usual, it was a guy which totally sucks. Finger in the butt, tactile oral...

Throughout the day, I’m looking for signs and stuff, kind of like doing a crossword puzzle ALL THE TIME. “What does this mean, what does this mean? I’m walking down the street, for coffee, and while walking, they make a leaf fall in front of me…the message was : “Leave” (day treatment) They can do stuff like this all the time…

I feel like I have a “crooked” smile…like I’m trying to smile but my heart isn’t in it. Kind of like Charlie Brown’s smile, if yanno what I mean.

As for God, I’m sure he is all knowing. I think of asking him questions…”how many grains of sand are there?” “how many molecules in the universe?” “How many times did my left shoe touch a crack in the sidewalk in my whole life?” Cause when I walk, if I step on a crack with my left foot I try to even it out by stepping on a crack with my right foot.

I heard this song, it really applies…”Cover your head with hair, long beautiful hair”…”don’t never have to cut it cause it stops by itself”…cause I have long hair…

A month ago, worried about paranoia at an upcoming dance, I heard a song…”everything’s gonna be alright, let the music take control of your body tonight” which is real cause they can make me dance good electronically.

Another song…”dancing with myself…dancing with myself” cause I like to dance by myself…

Oh, I’m watching “Letterman” and he had a part where he said, “here’s a subliminal message: CORN” Which made me think of “hole”, which was “Corn Hole” which was a persons booty…other than that, I can’t figure out what the hell that meant…the way things work is, in a year or two later, I’m figure it out….

With the voices I get, I have to figure out the geopolitical aspects of befriending any race LOL. What is the significance of dating Asians, black chicks, Italians…IF you can undertand this. It’s like I am “siding” with whatever race I date (if a girl) or become friends with (if it’s a guy).

A week or two ago, my voices told me they are 72 years old…for what THAT’S worth…

A week ago a bee took flight from a table and I watched the curve of the flight and for that moment I realized the mathematics involved…his jump, the curve. For the first time I understood calculus when it came to this bee.

OMG! Maybe the BIGGEST SIGN of my life…Yesterday I was climbing steps and I saw a person in the corner of my eye, and I turned to face him/her and there was NO ONE THERE…Is that how a million people seem to be following me?

A coupla weeks ago I was fuming when I was at a produce market because a 400 pound guy kept getting in my way. The message was “you’re going to be this fat”. Well, another fat guy got in my way this week and, before I could become mad, I saw his shirt and it said “Sap” which meant, to me, I was a sap for believing it. Thank god for that one.

Just today, July 5, (2005) I was walking down the steps and I was listening to a radio station and another station cut in and said “Hey look at that!” and immediately I “saw” a vagina in front of my face. I just can’t be good with stuff like this happening…

My mind is being read electronically and has been for at least 25 years…I think it is low level radiation, but low level radiation for 25 years, 24 hours a day, doesn’t sound very safe. I’m worried about some sort of cancer because of this. I THINK they are reading my mind by satellite. I often consider going underground, in a pipe or something and seeing if they can still read my mind. I guess I wouldn’t really do this, but I feel like, if they couldn’t do this underground, maybe I’d LIVE underground. Whatever. Yanno, If I did, someone would probably end up walking by every 5 minutes.

Sometimes when I’m watching the news, live, the people on the screen seem to be in a “Vulcan mind meld” situation, like, if I think of something, they laugh, or respond…so I don’t watch a lot of news. I record stuff instead.

And the radio! Every FM radio station (music) is talking to me, whatever channel I am listening to. Every one of them. Sometimes when things go bad they will talk “mean.” Also sometimes i'll hear a DJ say something, then I'll change the channel and the next DJ finishes the thought from the previous station. So I end up listening to tapes a lot…

SAFEAs for feeling “safe”, I generally feel safe only at Bayview (day treatment) and home. I have certain errands I have to do, groceries and stuff, where i'm out in public and it varies from “it’s a hassle” to “I almost feel like I have to go to the hospital”. Outings with day treatment aren’t too bad, as long as I have a “buffer” (people with me)….Going to K MART (across the street from day treatment) isn’t too bad either. But, damn, going 1 ½ blocks up the street to Long’s Drugs is usually a bitch. So I try to go with someone. Or MORE than someone, really.

Going shopping with my cuz is usually real tough. When I go into each of the stores that I need stuff at, everyone is following me, getting in my way. I try to tell myself to relax but it is a bitch. The music in the store is aimed at me, and sometimes everyone around me is listening to my thoughts. I try to get out as quick as possible of course. When it gets bad, I “think” something, someone responds (laughs or something). When I think of something else, someone coughs. And this goes on and on, thought after thought, response after response ad infinitum. And when I get to the line, someone usually gets in line just before me with a ton of stuff.

As for shopping carts, every where I go I see empty carts, it’s my voices saying “you’ll be pushing a shopping cart some day”.

MEDICATIONSI’m on Clozarile, Neurontin, and Lithium. Apparently I’m on a high dose of Clozarile and it can’t go much higher. I take my medications so faithfully…I have a pager (it’s not connected) that beeps at 12 noon, 4pm, and 6pm, so I don’t forget.

It’s basically, virtually ANYTHING I see Is controlled by my voices, but ten times worse in certain public situations. Basically whenever I am alone it’s worse (alone in public). You know, for my mental well being, maybe I should pay my cousin to stay with me when we shop. It wouldn’t solve it, but it would help just a bit. Like, if I’m walking down the street, if I have a thought, someone lightly taps their horn, if they drive by with music on their radio, well, that’s aimed at me. And I’ll see a shopping cart or three. Maybe a guy pushing one with cans. All aimed at me.

Two or three times a week my head, it’s hard to describe, but my head feels like it’s going to explode.

RADIO TALKING TO MEI hate this one commercial that says, “For the rest of your life”…meaning, they are going to be reading my mind, “for the rest of my life”. I can’t even die alone, someone is going to be there, damn.. No privacy even in death.

As for the radio, if I even walk by a person and he has the radio on, if I can hear it (it’s loud enough) it’s always talking to me.

TV – for some stupid reason, I’m watching the news and Larry Himmel (weather) guy comes on and I think “I’m more important than him” and my voices IMMEDIATELY say “Literally”. But the way it happened, so fast, I realize they MADE me think this whole thing on purpose. Cause I wouldn’t think such a thing. Hope you can understand. They made me think of it in the first place.

DAY TREATMENT – I’ve been going to Bayview for about 5 years, missing very few days. Cause if I take a day off, my voices go haywire.

I exercise for 1 ½ hours a day, climbing steps at day treatment. I used to walk in public but that went out the door, cause I’m seeing things, people, animals, insects, helicopters all aimed at me in a negative day. And having my mind read. And wrote. (thoughts put IN)

One of the worst things is that my voices “touch” my left pinky. I can feel it…What that means, is….The word “kin” is in pinky…so by touching my left pinky, my voices were threatening my “kin”, or in other words, my family. Even machines can make noises responding to my thoughts. Figure you are feeling the “kin” finger for hours on end, it just ruins you. A suicidal situation when it goes on and on. I was in a hospital once and, every night before I fell asleep, the “kin” finger would basically throb, and you just try to smash your finger into the wall trying to get it to stop throbbing…again, for hours on end…you actually feel like you wanna just cut the finger off!

The situation where I am at right now is, my pinky thing (“kin”) is going off (throbbing) unless I smoke, so therefore I chain smoke. It’s kind of like I’m a rat, and I’m responding to something…again, they threaten my famliy (kin) unless I smoke, so I chain smoke.

MIND CONTROL My whole life is is defined by this term…

SONGS THAT I CONSIDER IMPORTANT (Pink Floyd)“We don’t need no education…We don’t need no thought control”

Or (Cheap Trick)“the dream police, they live inside of my head, the dream police they come to me in my head.”

Everyday, at certain times I cross my fingers. I've done this for 15 years, at certain times of the day, mainly when I go to bed. I cross my fingers with my left ring finger around my pinky finger in a convoluted way, because the pinky finger throbs (again, a threat to my family). And I’m trying to stop it this way. Since 1989 (before my mom died).

I have always thought that earthquakes MIGHT be nuclear bombs instead. Last week in the newspaper there was an article that mentioned “manmade earthquakes” and that made me think just maybe it was true that they are causing earthquakes with bombs.

ANYWAYMy doctor has suggested shock treatment…I am considering it. I’ve been talking to people who have had it done…I just don’t know…

Oh! I’ve heard the term “Thousand Points of Lights”…haven’t heard it lately, but I believe the term defines me 100 %…They are reading my mind, and controlling my body with 1000 “beams” of light…probably MAINLY through my brain…actually almost 100 percent via my brain. Where Is freedom of thought?

OMG, I’m worried about death, meaning, they say they are going to cryogenically freeze me…it sounds weird, but you know, “Ted Williams” (an ex baseball player) has been frozen, and last week I heard Michael Jackson is looking into it….so AM I going to die only to be frozen or what?

If you can believe it, if I close my eyes (in prayer) I usually see porn. This seems like the most ethically bad thing in the world. So when I pray I keep my eyes open, tho, sometimes I still see porn…it’s like shadowy, but it’s there at the same time…

CLIMATE CONTROL (or like weather modification) I think that my voices can burn holes in clouds, and make it sunny in a spot. Also, every damn day when I go to get picked up to be taken home by the van, it becomes super windy, and after having that happen day after day, I really think they can make the wind blow, in a spot…As for medications, I totally believe my medications are placebo, tho I take my meds 100% anyway. When I take lab tests, I figure they are rigged, meaning fake results.

FOLLOWED I am followed around by, cars, animals, people, insects, helicopters…Even a gorilla in the zoo. A couple of years ago some guy went into an animal cage cause the animal was motioning him to come him, and I can understand how that happened, although it wouldn’t happen to me, I mean, I wouldn’t actually go in. But when we went to the zoo, a gorilla was standing about 50 feet away, and when I got there, he ran full speed til he was IN MY FACE…he was controlled….electronically…he seemed like he wanted to fight me….

SPIRITUALITY I was watching a “television” church, which I watch every Sunday, and within ten minutes, I felt like I was “Christ” and then a few minutes later, the “Antichrist”.

DREAMS: Even dreams are controlled by my voices…it’s like I get a bunch of shit all day, then even my dreams are controlled.

READ MINDS Yeah they read my mind constantly, but they ALSO (a word I came up with) “WRITE” my mind…putting thoughts in…as opposed to just listening to my thoughts…So I don’t know whether the thought I’m thinking is Me or Them….

DAY TREATMENTI NEED day treatment. It’s the only place I feel safe, that and my home…One time I quit for two weeks and I ended up in the hospital as an inpatient.

VOICESI hear either outright voices or music talking to me 24 hours a day. It's actually the lyrics of the song that talk to me. Like, if I had a job, I could go home, drink a beer, relax…Just put in my 8 hours and be free for the rest of the day, whereas, what I do is like a 24 hour a day job, and like I said, even my DREAMS can controlled…doesn't pay a whole hell of a lot, tho I'm grateful for what I have, I mean It could be worse. It's just that 90 percent of my friends are making decent money mostly working on computers and stuff.

FROM THE FRONT LINES by Dan Kilcup

July 22, 2005

Hey, I heard an old school rap song that said “to all the homies in the CIA, what’s up? Is the CIA involved with me? No fucking doubt.

Radio Talking to me:

“You’re not the prettiest thing girl but that’s ok”

Another song talking to me:

“Every little thing you do, baby I’m amazed by you” (like I’m amazing)⇓ this is just a bunch of bullshit, and I’m not going to fall for it anymore…cause two weeks ago I thought my voices were in love with me, and they were playing love songs…song after song were love songs to me and I fell for it….THEN at the end of one of the songs, the dj is laughing and he says “think again”…

Every time I hear a song I try to figure out the “double cross” aspect…for example, a couple of days after the dj laughing deal, my voices said they miss the days where I thought they loved me….therefore, I hate to say it but I’m afraid I’ll fall for it again…I just gotta remember if I do, they’ll just be laughing at me….

I came up with a coping skill. See, when I pray and my eyes are closed, I see porn…so NOW when I pray I think of “blank wall, blank wall.” Better yet, I pray with my eyes open…even then I see stuff.

Oh, this is important, for the 4th time in two weeks I saw someone, looked back, and no one was there…so I GUESS that’s what is happening when I feel like a million people are following me…I guess they aren’t there but it looks exactly like they are there, 100 percent, head to toe, and their feet totally touch the ground, too. I really think I could reach over and touch one of them…I’d like to hit them actually to tell you the truth…

We went to Mission Beach with PHP (Saturday program)…I was with 25 people, but we parked on the bay…I wanted to go to Hamel’s at the beach to see the ocean . Anyway, the walk was no problem, paranoia wise, cause I saw almost no people…so far so good I’m thinking, but when I got to Jack in the Box, THEN they turned on the paranoia…I really wanted my coffee so I hung in there…the whole time waiting was like people following me, talking amongst themselves (but every word aimed at me), reading my mind, laughing at thoughts. It was a pressure cooker. Basically reading my mind.

Oh, when a man walks by with his hands in his pockets it’s like “Hands In Pockets” which means “HIP” (as to being HIP to my situation, like he knows what is going on…basically it seems like 90 percent of people “know what is going on” or act fucking like it, what a bitch).

Yanno, when I was at the beach I closed my eyes and, with my eyes closed, I “saw” (yes, I saw, with my eyes closed) a woman taking her bra off, and immediately someone nearby me, at the beach, yelled “Yahoo!”

I needed some film developed at Long’s Drugs, so I asked Danny T. to go with me (to fight the paranoia), I gave him a buck…can you believe, we were walking and I saw some dog crap and my voices said “taste it”…incredible…I don’t know why but the 1 ½ block walk to Longs drugs is generally a son of a bitch…

Like I said, I try to figure out how they are going to double cross me depending on what’s happening….usually signs from the radio…

I guess I talk in my sleep, and, damn, throughout the day I’ll have a bad thought here, a bad thought there…and then after a particularly bad thought, my voices THEN say “all night long”, meaning, a couple seconds of a thought, and it means I’ll be talking about it in my sleep, all night long…

Well, anyway….when I’m waiting for transportation, sitting on my porch, it’s like watching T.V. A bunch of bad signs….people walk by talking toward me…a bunch of stuff which I can’t remember right now…the Truman Show indeed.

I’ve said before, but I felt I had a sign that earthquakes nearby were caused by nuclear bombs….THEN incredibly, I saw an article that mentioned “Man made earthquakes” (this was In the newspaper)…soooooo….now I’m starting to feel like some earthquakes were man made….What I'm saying Is I’m starting to feel like some earthquakes were nuclear bombs….

And as for feeling I'm going to be cryogenically from, I wonder If…is there an ambulance on call, 24 hours a day, nearby, waiting for me to die, a heart attack or whatever, that can be instantly called into action to cryogenically freeze me? I really wonder….

ANYWAY, I’m sure that my voices can burn holes through clouds, where the sun would shine over me, and this keeps happening, at certain times in the day and I swear, I think they are able to control winds, making it blow real hard….

I still swear that someday I’m going to go down a drainage tunnel and SEE if my voices can follow me there…if not, I wouldn’t do it, but I’d get an urge to dig a 50 foot deep hole and just live there…Maybe do what I have to do during the day, and staying there nighttime…

SHOPPINGEvery Saturday my cuz and I get together for grocery shopping…Each shopping trip is really a bitch, but sometimes more so than others….last damn week was tough…Produce store, 99 cent store, vons…sometimes I get so much crap that I skip vons cause I just wanna get home…like I say, I usually try to “be” with someone while I shop…BUT, the last time my cuz had some financial stuff to do at the bank…so I went to the 99 cent store, pretty much pissed because of multiple signs…one lady is on her cell and she says “She’s not going to be physically active for long”…aimed at me because I exercise 1 ½ hours a day, 6 days a week, and the sign is, just what it says “she’s not going to be physically active for long….then I get to my cuz’s car and someone walks by and says (on his cell) “yeah that’s true”…by now I’m worried because I’m getting a whirlwind of signs…slightly thinking about going to the hospital…And nothing really helped…and, damn, when I got back to the car, my cousin and his wife were in the bank, for 30 minutes and I’m standing there scared, naked, alone, all by myself, with no one to talk to as a buffer zone..And I’m standing outside of the bank all by myself…signs fucking galore…I closed my eyes when some guy walked by because I’m thinking “this guy planned his whole day trying to piss me off and I’M not looking, my eyes are closed…so I’m standing there, I think of something, with my eyes closed, and a car alarm goes off…little stuff like that keeps happening ever couple of seconds, it’s just a fucking bitch….

And before the 99 cent store we went to Wal Mart…My cuz was in the store, so I went around the exit and lit up a cigarette…I’m all secluded here, by myself…THEN a homeless guy walks by, directly in front of me, and picks up a cigarette butt to smoke….kind of like a sign that I’M going to have to do the same thing someday….#$%^&^% !! scary as hell…

More songs talking to me:

“A Fly Girl, a fly girl” A.F.G. ⋄ morphs to F.A.G.

Another song: Beatles song (my voices TRYING to make me believe they love me)

“Closer…let me whisper in your earsay those words you long to hear….I’m in love with you oooo”

Another song:

“If you feel like giving me a lifetime of devotion,I second that emotion”

MORE RADIO STUFF

“You’re the object of my desire, baby ignite my fire, hey you really turn me on” (same song) “My body screams, please make love to me”…as I said, they are talking to me with the lyrics to the song.

So….i hope you can follow what I’m saying…

Another song: ”Devil or angel, I just can’t decide, love me or leave me…I love you, I love you, I love you” but I just can’t fall for this, as I said, the last time I did, at the end of a song a DJ was laughing at me, saying, “think again" basically laughing because I fell for it (thinking they "love" me)

Quick snippet while tuning

“We’ll take care of you” (DJ talking to me)

RADIO“It’s alright if you love me, it’s alright if you don’t” (same song) “breakdown, go ahead and give it to me” (like co-masturbation, sex with voices)

John Lennon song that sounds appropriate (I think he was going through the same stuff): “Nobody told me there would be days like these, strange days indeed, most peculiar, mama”

Here’s another: ,…. on the day that you were born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true (then something about hair)…and then stuff about blue eyes…

That is why, all the girls in town follow you, all around,just like me, they long to be, close to you….

Another: I’m sitting next to a girl, not my girfriend, and this song comes on: “if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one your with”

With the bullshit about me loving my voices, whom I hate: “Baby, wouldn’t you agree, you and me have a groovy kind of love, we’ve got a groovy kind of love”

ANOTHER: “and you don’t believe that it’s true, but I never meant any harm to you”or “You’ve got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen”

As I said, I think John Lennon had my type of problems, cause I AGREE WITH THIS LINE: “The way that your going, you’re gonna crucify me”

“You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good, baby you’re no good”

My voices: “Who loves you pretty mama, who is always there to make it right?”

“You’re so vain, I’ll bet you think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you?” to which I would have to say “Yeah, I fucking do”

OH, the perfect song: “Lately it occurs to me…… what a long, strange trip it’s been” (which is so fucking succinct…)

SNIPPET (while tuning) – meaning, I changed channels just in time to hear: “building the perfect beast (meaning me)….

SUICIDE: a couple of years ago I was in the hospital with voices galore, and I was suicidal…a couple months after getting out, my voices were attacking me, and they made me flash to when I was suicidal in the hospital, and having a supply of depakote I think, I swallowed two weeks worth of medications…turned out I couldn’t overdose on depakote (or whatever it was).

Gosh, yesterday I was reading the newspaper, and I got to an article on military spending on a helicopter called “Comanche” which I thought was funny cause I live on Comanche drive…within seconds of reading this a helicopter flew over low and loud…I’m like “yeah, ok, I KNOW you’re there”…

A couple of months ago, knowing that I was being followed around I decided to consider the people following me “paparrazi”….so I’m walking down the street, and a guy walks by with an expensive telephoto camera….kind of funny…

While masturbating once my voices said to me "aren't we better than Melinda? We make you cum." Because when i masturbate it is ALWAYS, how can i say, co-mastubation because SOMEONE is always with me. They can control my hands and fingers. I can basically "let go" of my hands and let them touch me wherever they want.

I’ve worried about the effects of radiation, being used to read my mind….that it might be dangerous, especially when you figure it’s been happening to me, 25 years, 24 hours a day…well, my voices have insinuated that it’s only a millionth of a volt, that sounds like a pretty safe level, considering I was a ham radio operator, and realize that’s a pretty low level….

Two days ago I masturbated with my voices, which I do all the fucking time anyway…but my voices talked me into making out with them and, with a TON of coaxing, I finally relented, kissing them back…afterwards I felt so grossed out and disgusted, especially knowing it was a guy…so the next day I pursed my lips…so they couldn’t get in….such an ugly feeling it was….how could I kiss them? Via tactile hallucinations.

LASTLYMany years ago I was talking to someone and I said something like “I feel like if you hit terrorists, it’s like hitting a bee hive and all these other terrorists come out”…then my voices kind of made it out that I was a terrorist…

Months later I was at a bus stop and a big swarm of bees went right through where I was standing.

THEN, also months later, I was walkind downtown and a newspaper fluttered by and landed by me…so I looked, and it was an editorial cartoon showing a bee hive, with the bees all flying around, the bees were terrorists, kind of like what I originally said…

THEN about two weeks ago in my cuz’s car we were all just talking, and he mentioned that he saw a car with a swarm of bees on the trunk, and with all this crap, I felt like I was a terrorist, again….

As I said, they refer to me as a guy or a girl…it’s just for convenience because then they can talk to me twice as easily, if yanno what I mean….

Not too much lately, but they used to tell me they were going to kill me, keep my head alive and torture me, like in hell…they seem to have passed that situation, thankfully…but when they were doing that, I was in a car that overheated…I opened the hood and it was all steamy, like hell, all hot and all…and in the steam, mixed with the sun, I saw a rainbow…in the bible a rainbow is a "promise", but in this weird way, it was a "promise" to be in hell…that they would do this to me…worse yet, the word RAINBOW can be morphed into “OW BRAIN”…meaning I owed them my brain, if you follow…

Outing to Mission Beach” (August 31, 2005)Upon arriving I paired off with a friend and we walked to Jack In The Box. I figured, with someone else with me, I’d do pretty good.

Then, about 3 blocks away from the group, I began getting “signs”…I was getting ready to write them down, which I usually do, but I couldn’t keep track, so I just began counting them. I came up with 68 signs in all…

So they came and came and came on. Last time, I had a radically bad experience at Jack In The Box, so when I got there, I went in with my friend. Wasn’t too bad at all. So, instead, my paranoia got bad outside, when leaving Jack In The Box. As I was writing them down, sometimes I lost track of how many I had, so I purposely restarted them 4 or 5 back (when i forgot) so I wasn’t overdoing it, more like understating how bad it was. Basically, across from Jack’s I got hit hard and added to that negative “tactile” stuff. At one point I had 3 signs in 15 seconds…very fricking scary. And, yeah, being with someone didn’t really help.

It got to the point I began thinking if the next step might be the hospital…and I thought about going to the park, finding a secluded area and go where I couldn’t see anybody…and turn on the radio, but put on the tape player so I wouldn’t get signs. And, I was thinking, my friend could go back and tell them to pick me up there… But I gave it a try and was able to get back okay. It seems things started calming down right about the time I got back…

Now I’m thinking….next time I go out in public to take an entourage LOL…(at least I keep a sense of humor about this shit)

SEPTEMBER STUFF

Well, the last outing to Mission Beach went bad. We went back and I thought my paranoia would be less since I was with someone. And I hoped the paranoia would just be at jack in the box, like an outing before, but, this time, jack in the box was ok, but the paranoia really set in coming out of the jack in the box. It got so bad that I thought about going to some nearby bushes where I couldn’t see people, and put on my headphones and then listen to tapes so I wouldn’t get any messages from the radio. Maybe even closing my eyes…Contemplated going to the hospital, but, with the help of a friend I made it back to the group (we were on an outing)…As I said, I thought that by being with someone would help but it didn’t. Everything calmed down when I got back to the group and it made me think, “I know…maybe if I’m with 5 to 10 people I won’t get as much paranoia”…so basically, I need an entourage lol. Oh, I wanted to mention, I got 68 signs. I only counted the signs that were BLATANT, being obvious and stuff…anyway and if I counted all it would be a lot more.

Let’s see, my doctor has mentioned shock treatment…I just don’t know…I just feel like the symptoms will come back…i kind of feel that, maybe I could get hooked up to some electronic stuff so that I could wake up to a shock treatment daily…I wanna be shocked so much that I’d need to look at my wallet to remember my name…

As for the radio (all FM stations talking to me), we kind of have an agreement; when they play songs I don’t like and commercials at the same time that means : “listen to tapes, dan”…so I listen to tapes for 20 minutes, then go back to the radio…

I feel bad for this, but occasionally I try to “use” my voices to get a girl horny…if you know what I mean…I mean, with the right “beam” it could happen.

RAT AND NEGATIVE STIMULIWell, my voices transmit a beam to my head that makes me feel super anxious. Also the beam threatens my family. Yeah, as I've said, they "touch" my pinky (threat to family) when I don't smoke, so therefore, I chain smoke. It’s not a nicotine problem, it’s the anxiety they do to me…I’m kind of like a rat, and you do stuff to the rat and he responds, that kind of thing. So I smoke because of this ray, or beam…enough said.

TRAVELING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHTIt occurred to me…If someone was “in my head” (electronically), and they could go to someone else’s head (electronically)….let’s say someone in Paris or something…instantly, then a person would kind of being able to travel at the speed of light…hope you can understand. Yeah, just read it a coupla times.

IN THE MORNINGYou know…I guess a regular person would occasionally wake up and say “I’m looking forward to the day!” thinking about it, I don’t, but I can’t wait for my first cigarette cause it would alleviate some anxiety…

SONGS“Don’t you know how sweet and wonderful life can be?” My voices “played” this song on the radio and began screwing me in the butt…(tactile sensations)…while I was doing the steps…yep, I can be walking, sitting in group or anything, and I could be getting screwed…

“She works hard for the money, so hard for the money” --- and I DO work hard for the money…

“I know you want to leave me, but I refuse to let you go”---and I DO want “them” to leave me…PLEASE?????? But I can never be free, they will NEVER leave me. They will be there the day I die.

“You’ll never find someone else who cares about you like I do and, you are going to miss my loving”… Like I’ll miss them, just a bunch of B.S.

“You’re my obsession, you’re my obsession, what do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?---------I’m their obsession, and if you knew what is going on in me you would totally agree, they ARE obsessed with me…I am being electronically micro-managed.

“Your true colors, are beautiful, like a rainbow” which makes me feel gay because the rainbow is the color of the gay “flag” Like my colors are the same as a gay flag.

Then, one time, I listened to tapes so i'd get less signs, and, two hours later I finally turned on the radio and this song came on “bitch, bitch, bitch is back”

“Rag doll, I luv you just the way you are” calling my hair a “rag doll”

“How sweet it is to be loved by you” --- I don’t fall for this love stuff anymore…

Anyway…well some guy at day treatment said he thought some day I could work in computers and I was just thinking, damn, with this “world class paranoia” I have, I’m just surprised I’m not in a state mental hospital” WHEW…also, when I’m typing my voices can MAKE ME DO TYPOS…what a bitch…for example, I was writing a “father’s day” card, and when I tried to write “Father”, they made me write “Fag” in place of Fat…

SPIRITUALITYAn example of how things can be twisted up…we’re singing a song (in spirituality class) and the words were ”who from his love can sever” and I fixated on the word ‘SEVER’ cause my voices always tell me they want to “sever” my head and keep my head alive…sometimes I feel a ring around my neck, too…

DEATHSWell, while working at a pizza place (delivery), I passed a street and it was “Denver”…so I thought “Bob” Denver. But it stuck in my mind. Then the next day, or possibly two, John Denver was killed in a plane crash…

Also, my voices, they call me “JR”, but not much lately at all, except a couple of months ago, they communicated “JR” and I filed it away in my head. Within three weeks John Ritter, (yeah, j.r.) had a heart attack…

Another one, is that, Sam Kinison was coming to the la jolla comedy store…and, in my mind, I kind of considered it a bad sign, cause the word “kin” is in his name (like I’ve said 50 times, my voices threaten my kin/family. And he died in a car crash.

Now, concerning Madonna….i have kind of a connection, a psychic connection. Ok this sounds so typical of a paranoid schizophrenic, but I’ll say it anyway and laugh if you want to…anyway, last year I fell down and almost broke my leg. I hurt it bad and I thought, damn, it WOULD happen on her birthday. So I was really worried when her birthday came around, would i get hurt, be involved in a traffic accident, anything? I even talked to my sister about it.

So on her birthday I checked into the New York Times website and found out she (not me, yay!) fell while riding a horse, multiple broken bones…I feel sorry for her…oh, yes, I was reading a biography about her and, turns out Elvis had died on her birthday…and she said she felt he had died on her birthday for a reason. So go figure. Like they say, "Ripley's Believe It Or Not." But now i'm really worried about NEXT year.

ANYWAYSMy voices give me the occasional headache. And, worried about my daughter, I tell my voices, “please, if you HAVE to give out headaches, give it to me, not her.” So, when I get headaches I feel like it might be helping her…instead of giving her a headache, me.

I was worried about her getting headaches because I went to Long’s Drugs and over the intercom they asked for children’s Tylenol…which I instantly thought, it’s a sign my daughter is getting headaches…yanno, “children’s Tylenol”?

PROGRAMI really need program…once I quit for two weeks and I ended up in the hospital.

I kind of have a girlfriend in my life…and on more than one occasion I have wondered if she was real…if she was…a secret agent? Sometimes I squeeze tightly to see if she is there…so I don’t know.

A week ago I dreamed I found a box of cigars, like a hundred of them, and I was with a friend so we split them up (in my dream)…The next day, getting on the bus, I looked down and saw a wrapped cigar on the ground..

CMH/Cut my headOn the van last week we were driving on the way home and I saw two glints off a motorcyclist’s helmet, and then he touched his head and I got the message, about cutting my head…so it’s scary…cause, like I said, Michael Jackson has been investigating having this done to him, “cryogenic freezing”…Ok, it sounds crazy but sometimes I think there is a nearby undercover ambulance nearby (24 hours a day) that wants to keep my head alive, and will instantly respond to whatever happens to me. Who knows?

On Sunday (08/21) I was watching the charger game and reading the newspaper, and the announcers were responding to my thoughts, sometimes laughing when I read something in the paper.

SEAPORT VILLAGEAt an outing at Seaport Village I lost my cigarette case. The second I found out, every fucking person was laughing at me. Everywhere I checked, I couldn’t find it, and giggles and stuff are happening and I was soooooo pissed. THEN my voices gave me a thought, and I went back to that exact spot and DAMN, I found them. Still humiliated…but I DID thank them, these fucking bastards.

DRILL SARGEANTOccasionally I get this “drill sargeant”…he is real fucked….he demands, and demands, telling me what to do, how to do it. (He’s gay too)…About three weeks ago he was fucking with me while I was trying to sleep, and, for some reason, he told me to get up and eat something, and then he would let me sleep…so I had some granola or something, and, yeah, he DID leave me alone. Go figure. Oh yeah, about a week later I saw a guy in a military uniform, kind of a drill sargeant looking guy…walking through bayview’s street, near the steps…

So I told Melinda, I’m trying to be faithful to you, but when I masturbate, this gay drill sargeant is in my head and he touches me and he tells me what to do. So I’m not faithful In a round a bout way, when you think of it…not only this, this “voice” says that “I’m better than Melinda” (like sex with the drill sargeant is better than what it’s like with Melinda.

My mother died in 1989, but I wonder if my mom is still alive…or is her brain frozen?? I mean, I saw her dead, but I just wonder if she was somehow kept alive…who the hell knows?? I mean, I’ve read Michael Jackson has looked into cryogenic freezing, and Ted Williams, well, he’s supposed to be a “head” by now…and, today…I’m kind of like hearing my mom’s voice…something like “don’t worry” or “it’s me”…but I don’t think this is true but again I don’t know..

Cause IF my voices can keep my brain alive…it’d be like the ultimate video game (for THEM…people controlling me…instead of pure computing, you’d get…if you could keep a person alive…you could have “virtual reality”…instead of pure computing, you could get actual thoughts…it would beat any video game, (again, for THEM) that’s for sure.

ANYWAY, my “voices” are just like “Star Wars” and they are like “The Force”, or “the Power.”

With what I go through I feel like a star…like an anti-star, or famous, except it’s infamous…..

As for the radio talking to me, you can’t knock THAT out of my head without a megawatt of electro-shock therapy…

RADIO TALKING TO ME….AGAIN“some people are made for each other, how ‘bout us?Some people can love each other for life, how bout us?”(Meaning) my voices giving me signs to “love” them bullshit, for the 2000th time”

“I’ll never break your heart” ⇓then the station faded out for a second, and I heard a “blank space” which means B.S.- Blank Space.

Had a great lightening storm last night and I hoped, (like a billion to one) that I’d get struck by lightening. Wishful thinking.

Went to an outing yesterday and I became tired, rubbing and closing my eyes. And when I did, I saw pornographic stuff. But too much porn gets tiresome, but I was too tired to keep my eyes open. So I did that for awhile.

License plates bug me so I try not to look at them. I saw one this morning that said AFS SO…I quickly came up with “So Safe” which seems like a positive thing. Regardless, my eyes are blurry without glasses, and I prefer it because when I can’t read license plates, I get less signs.

I was listening to the radio and two songs came on at the same time on top of each other, and it created the greatest song I ever heard, lol.

I previously mentioned the “Drill Instructor”….well, he only takes control of me, directing me to do stuff during masturbation. Except for once when he was bugging me while I was trying to sleep.

So I’ve came up with the “Twister”…I think my voices helped me choose this name. The Twister is just that, he twists my thoughts all over the fucking place. THIS is the guy who RULES my world, 100 percent. Whatever happens to me, my voices twists things from one way to another. It’s like, I just think of a thought and instead of just going with the thought, you rethink the thought, like having second thoughts? Instead I have second and third and four thoughts, maybe more….

So “Twister” is in control of my world. From around 6:30AM to 7:00PM, Twister rules me…It’s like you can have a positive thing happen and, by the time Twister is finished with you, it’s a negative…or kind of like…sideways….and yanno, during the day, with 10 billion thoughts you have, Twister picks and chooses and Twister takes the negative thoughts and says to me “All Night Long”….meaning I was going to dream about this negative thing and talk about it (in my sleep) all night long…like a song that says “I know the secrets that you keep, when you’re talking in your sleep” It also says “When you’re home in your bed at night, don’t you know you’re in a spotlight?” Can’t remember the exact lyrics. But I really really believe I’m in a spotlight every fucking night as the song says. Also, Twister jams thoughts into my head just so that, as soon as I finally have a thought they gave me, they make me talk about it in my sleep. For example, I was in the hospital and they made me fantasize about having sex with guys in the hospital for soda money….and, after a bunch of input, I ended up dreaming about it – talking in my sleep. Then I was a laughingstock, talking in my sleep about doing guys, like I said, for soda money…the “hospital slut”…I mean, I never would have had thoughts like this normally.…OH, I never did anything with the guys).

A song aimed at me:“Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends….(and, it continues) “I know you’re working for the CIA, they wouldn’t have you in the Ma Fi A “ (meaning Mafia)

This is cool, I was listening to a DJ and he said “You’re not funny but you’re pretty damn entertaining”

My dad cruised in from Washington D.C. and, without telling me beforehand, we went to Lake Murray (a street fair). The paranoia was tough but what could I do…if I’d have known they were going there, I wouldn’t have went.

Howard Stern said something like “falling in love with a ghost” and I felt like I was masturbating with someone else’s brain, or kind of like someone had “died”, but the head was kept alive and it’s now alive in my fucking head, kind of ghost-ish… There was a movie called “The Man With Two Brains” – Steve Martin…and they showed a brain and it was telepathically connected with him…Who ever it is, they are in me and can see everything I see and know whatever I am thinking….

My dad recently visited. He is hard of hearing and always says to get on his right side, the good side (the ear that hears). So a day before my dad showed up, my right ear got clogged…like his always is…anyway, it was just a little sign…

Occasionally I pray, and I just tell my voices “please kill me quick, please, if I have to die” cause I don’t want to suffer like with cancer and stuff….also, I always ask my voices to help me lose weight and they say “when you get cancer you will lose weight”.,

My voices have attempted to make me believe that they can control hurricanes, that “Katrina” was my fault…actually they only half-heartedly do it, kind of like one of little practical jokes…

A truck passed by me a coupla days ago and it said “National” – as if “Nation-wide” as if I’M nationwide and yanno, I believe it to be true…

They CAN control the weather just a bit, cause sometimes when I’m walking in rain, it seems like they can block the rain directly over my head…and I’m WONDERING if they can make wind, which I’m just not sure of…they also can blow holes thru clouds, putting me into an area of sunlight….

Ok, yanno what? I think there’s a MONSTROUS file on me…keeping track of everything I do and see (oh, when I had this very thought my voices said “fact”, and then “no doubt”, so take it as ya wanna)…… as for the file, it’s probably electronic, as opposed to filing cabinets…15 years of this stuff, micromanaging me most of the way…and the backup! They, of course, must have back up of everything…so…and they can see whatever I’m looking at, so they must be doing video, too…I guess I probably started on VHS (1985)…moved up to DVD….”my life on a DVD” and I’m probably up to a Digital Video Recorder…

I was worried about breaking up with my chick…she wasn’t around me lately for awhile, and I heard this song – “Season’s change, feelings change”, as if her feelings have stopped…especially considering we just exited Summer for Fall last week…”season’s change, feelings change?…get it?

Another song: “I can hear your thoughts, I can hear your dreams, every little thing you do, baby I’m amazed by you” as if they are amazed at my thoughts…figuring half the thoughts I even have are from “them”, so they shouldn’t be “amazed” by me…

EYESI think my voices could give me 20/20 vision if they wanted to.

Lastly, I think through word of mouth the FBI may be involved, possibly cause they realize the radio is talking to me…because there was an article in the newspaper telling how all these famous people were spied on – the Beatles, and a bunch of others that I can’t remember…I may not be famous, but I consider myself infamous…

OCTOBER 15 2005So i'm at Bayview and they are cutting down a palm tree. First they cut off the top off and it made me think of my head getting cut off, kept alive, and tortured, because that is what my voices have told me they are going to do to me. THEN i walked into the community room and there was an encyclopedia on the table and i picked it up and it was the N-O version which meant to me, the cutting my head off was "NO" which is a goodish sign. Then they cut the rest of it and (again, to me) it meant cutting my penis, yanno, a phallic symbol (tree) getting cut down. As if I should get a sex change.

I know it wouldn't work, but i was thinking i'd like to put a "Do Not Resusitate" band around my wrist. If i should get a heart attack or something like that, i wish they wouldn't save me.

Oh, this occured to me. They have "reality" tv shows. A camera following a family around and stuff. So I thought, damn, I AM the ultimate reality show. 100 percent. They can see what i see (through my eyes) and know every fucking thought. Now, THAT'S what i call a reality TV show. And, like i said, electronically they can see what i see, and throw it onto computers, too. And save whatever they want on, i dunno, VHS, DVD, DVR, take your pick.

I dreampt that i was showing a person from the 50's a fiber optical camera. A camera about the size of a nail. And i dreampt this twice, and took it as a sign that someone, (maybe the FBI?) had cameras in my house. So i spent a little bit of time looking around for such a camera. Didn't find it. Even now, writing this, i'm looking over my shoulder...

A NEW THINGWell occasionally (last coupla weeks) my head just feels like it's going to explode! I don't know how to explain it, but, it just does. Like every three days.

RADIO TALKING TO MEWell, i bought an mp3 player and i have 200 songs in it. It's a joy to use. And i thought my voices would be HAPPY i got it, because, since i don't listen to the radio, it makes life easier for them, they don't have to work hard giving me signs from the radio. So, as i said, it makes life easier for them. But, i'm worried that they WANT to give me messages from the radio, and will do whatever it takes to mess up my MP3 player. Someone will either take it (choreograped by my voices, yanno, controlled so that i'll absent mindedly leave it lying around), or else they'll just break it electronically. Actually they have kind of found a way to tell me messages over the mp3 player, because when i "shuffle" the music, well, there at so many songs, i've been getting messages anyway.

LATER ON IN NOVEMBER (2005) - MY MP3 RADIO BROKEWell my radio broke. My voices broke my radio, electronically. Too bad because I was using it to escape my private reality. Because every song was a “hit” song, to me. Only songs I REALLY liked. And nothing but. And, the best part, I was having minimal messages from them, although after awhile messages did pop up. And I was kind of thinking, “hey, now they don’t have to go to all that trouble sending me messages over the radio” Anyway, I guess they don’t mind going through all the trouble making me messages, because they BROKE IT. So now, I’m back to the radio/cassette situation. I’ll listen to the radio until it gets bad, then go to tapes.

SHADOWSThe other day I was taking out the trash and i saw a shadowy thing near a tree. I looked again and there was nobody there. Reminded me of an incident like this in "A Beautiful Mind" Well I guess I’m going through what John Nash goes through. And it’s a bitch.

We had a DBT group (don't even know what that stands for). I'm scheduled to go next monday and i hope it works out better because last time in group I felt like throwing up and felt like my head was going to explode, too. And i stayed in group until i couldn't take it anymore, and when i walked outside there were sirens and putting this all together made for some radical anxiety. It's just I get into this "bad place" every week or two.

HOSPITAL thoughts...Well, i hate to say this because I feel like I'm letting people down, but I seriously feel like going to the hospital maybe every other week. The radio starts getting all sarcastic and even my MP3 player sounds negative, songs i love become songs i hate...So.

IMPORTANTI think the president is controlled, too! He fell off a bike a coupla months ago, which is something my voices might cause. Madonna fell off a horse two months ago. That kind of thing. Car accidents, slips, etc.

DAY TREATMENTI REALLY need day treatment. I quit once and within two weeks i was in the hospital. And i'm STILL thinking about shock treatment.

LOSING WEIGHTI wish i could lose weight, and if my voices wanted me to, I could. But, sarcastically, my voices say "When you get cancer, you WILL lose weight"...Again, my voices “touch” my pinky, which makes me think of “kin” (threatening my kin) which causes incredible anxiety that ONLY LETS UP when I smoke. And, therefore I chain smoke. What would YOU do?

Like i said, too, it's like a rat...hit him with stimuli and you get him to respond. And hitting ME with this beam makes me respond by smoking...i don't know how to explain this any better; people think, "Oh, you just aren't trying hard enough", but, damn, electronically speaking, there's NOTHING I CAN DO.

Helicopters flying overhead means "CHOPPER" chop her head off, me being "her." When i hear a helicopter i just say (as in think), "Yeah, i hear you" Oh yeah, my voices consider my "thinking" the same as saying stuff out loud. Like they'll say "you said" when all i did was "think" something.

TV TALKINGRight now the TV is just talking to me sporadically. What happens is i'll type something up and the TV will say the exact word i'm typing.

RADIO TALKINGThe radio is still talking gangbusters. Anytime I turn on the radio, the song is playing just for me. Thankfully i have the mp3 player but, as i said, it's beginning to talk to me, too. Sometimes the message is benign, sometimes it's totally sarcastic, with songs that at one point are good, and then the next moment TOTALLY NEGATIVE....even the MP3 player can get nasty. I mean, sometimes i get up around 2am for a cigarette, turn on the radio and THEY ARE RIGHT THERE.

As for paranoia, it's generally real bad in public but it seems that if i go to outings with day treatment with a lot of people, it's not TOO bad. I used to think i could just go with one person but that didn't work. So basically i feel like, if i have an ENTOURAGE (10 - 15 people), i can survive.

NOVEMBER 2005Still afraid to go outside even when going to the mailbox. When I'm out In public (grocery shopping etc.) it’s basically a whirlwind of voices and signs, hundreds of that I would think. Maybe I’ll count them one of these days. AND when I get home It’s like “WHEW"

Seems like every time things are going tough I hear this song: “Under Pressure” by David Bowie.

When the Pastor of Bayview prays for me I hear an echo and then laughter (in my head). And if I close my eyes when praying I see porn.

Felt like I was going to throw up while climbing the steps a few days ago…(stress?).

M3 Player talking to me more and more:They are telling me I am going to be homeless again and this song comes on “You’re back on the street like you didn’t miss a beat."

A song: “I don’t think you’re a nasty girl. I think you are” (I change the MP3 player and the next thing I hear is “old”. “I don’t think you’re a nasty girl you are old”

SHADOWSWhile doing the steps a week ago I saw “shadows” four times, and I turned around and no one was there.

I was thinking about Boy George occasionally for about two weeks and then I found out that he had heard people in his house, called the police and no one was there. But he had some drugs and got busted. Coincidence?

Sometimes guys hang around me…and I’m wondering, do they hate me or do they wanna fuck me? Or a mixture of both?

Daughter’s (new) last name: HansonTHEN I saw a cement truck that had the name “Hanson” on it…And it was spinning…rolling…it was a threat to them.

BLURB FROM A SPANISH STATIONI even get stuff from a Spanish station. It’s a new station and I haven’t bothered to delete it from my radio…anyway, I was tuning and, just when I tuned in they said “te amo” which means, “I love you” – what a bunch of BULLSHIT!!! I’ve said this before, but with love coming from my voices, I DON’T NEED ANY ENEMIES !!

FLATTERY FROM MY VOICES:"I hope you don’t mind how I put down into words,How wonderful life is while you’re in the world."

MP3 (like I said, even my MP3 player talks to me more and more, not just the radio)There was a song that went “Jump Jump, everybody, Jump Jump” (it means to commit suicide duh).

I actually did throw up a week ago in the morning, nothing in my stomach.

FROM GREAT TO BAD IN SECONDSI was having a ball at Balboa Park. We had food, I had a radio blasting, “Precious” was dancing, I felt great. Then I went to get coffee and I saw a person who, from an angle, didn’t seem to have an arm. I looked closer and she did have an arm, but it reminded me of a family member who got in a motorcycle accident and his arm was ruined. So instantly, from great it went to horrible, because I feel responsible for his accident.

UNBELIEVABLY SICK !My voices are trying to say my mom’s alive, her brain is alive somewhere. So I get a kiss on the lips and I’m like, ok. THEN they start kissing me all over, til finally I’m getting an electronic blow job. Supposedly from my mom. I really can’t think of anything sicker than this OMG!

There’s a song I like. Well it has the word “fag” in it. From the mid 80’s…Then the last time I heard it, it was changed; when the word “fag” came up, the song said fag over and over again, around 10 times in a row.

HEAD EXPLODEIt seems my head will explode; they’ve been doing this almost daily. Damn. And I feel like I’ll throw up occasionally. The last time was in the early morning. No food in me at all.

I keep seeing people in wheelchairs, the sign? That I’ll need a wheelchair…..

I still feel like my voices are occasionally blowing holes in clouds. It gets real sunny all of a sudden. I am of the opinion that they are, they are shooting clouds right out of the sky.

Wow, the TV was talking to me and they said "You'll conquer death." Meaning, if I die they'll save me somehow and I guess my brain will stay alive and then I'll be the voice of someone ELSE. Hell if i know? I think it just might be true. I remember thinking of asking my cousin to break into a mortuary when I die and smash my brain so that they wouldn't be able to do this to me. To my brain.

Things get really tough and I feel like going to the hospital every week or two. God I hope not.

While shopping last week I was walking up to a shopping cart and immediately I heard a car alarm go off. The message? That I'll be homeless and NEED a shopping cart.

In spirituality we were singing "head will be exalted" and to me that meant something like my "head" was going to be..."exalted" whatever that means. Actually it SOUNDS kind of positive I guess, in an extremely weird kind of way. The weirdest way I can imagine, actually.

I think i'm being controlled possibly by a severed head. Yesterday while thinking about this exact thought I immediately heard a "siren" and then I felt a "ring" around my neck (which means "cut my head) and then ANOTHER siren, damn.

And today, while climbing the steps, a guy, complimenting me on my workout said "You're a machine!" and, within seconds, i thought "with what i go through, I AM a Machine...or rather, i'm connected to a machine...and, within seconds, i heard a song that says "Welcome, my friend, welcome to the machine"...It's all related to tactile, visual, auditory and whatever the rest are, hallucinations. Damn, now just thinking about it, i'm starting to hear the fucking song. The "Machine" song. For example, I can think of ANY part of my body and Immediately get stimulated there. To counter attack negative messages, I have for a long time, thought, "cunnilingus" every single time I got a negative message, because It's such a strong word and Is, In my opinion, a good meaning. So, If get a negative feeling i immediately think of cunnilingus. It's a battle. Well, It's been sort of changed because NOW It means them going down on my booty (cunnilingus), because they consider my booty a vagina. So, if I get something negative I always say in my head “cunnilingus” which got changed from me going down on a chick to them going down on me as If they were using their tongue. Like, say, every time I hear a negative sign from the radio, I Instantly think "cunninlingus" and, when I do, I Immediately feel my booty being licked. Oh well, hope you can follow this one.

And IF they want to touch me somewhere, I used to think they had to literally go through the motions. But now I believe they can just “press a button” and stimulate any part of my body they WANT to. That goes along with "licking" my booty; they don't have to actually do It, they just do It electronically, like a machine.

MID NOVEMBER 2005My Doctor is still recommending shock treatments. It’s like I ALMOST want daily shock treatments, first thing in the morning. So bad that I’d forget my name. He said I’d forget certain conversations, but long-term memories would come back. What I WANT is to delete my long term memories, actually.

Yanno, I feel like I’m living in a movie. The radio plays songs that are a soundtrack to my life. Some are ok, some suck. Truthfully, I kind of think that maybe I’m on a top-secret satellite channel, 24 hours a day, and only certain people are allowed to watch. Like I said before, I feel like I am the ULTIMATE reality show, complete with mind-reading and what I call “mind-writing” (not just listening to my thoughts, but putting them IN). Watch the movie “the Truman Show, because I LIVE THE TRUMAN SHOW. It’s SO weird because I wonder if I currently have good ratings, and if my ratings drop, will I die on camera? And when I die on camera will I get terrific ratings?

It’s to the point where there are no commercials, but there IS product placements. Because I saw a big “Coke” trailer bugging me and others pop up all the time. The worst Is the Uhaul truck which stands for "to move." God I hope not. I TRIED to figure out a "good" meaning and the only thing I could come up with is "Hawaii" because "U-haul" sounds like a hawaiian word In a roundabout way.

RADIO TALKING TO ME:“She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey” – after the song I heard static which means “Tough Shit” (that I work hard for the money)

“Hotel California” – “You can check out any time you like but you can never leave.” I just can NEVER leave my voices, although I’m thinking of going into a tunnel underground and SEE if they can get to me there, cause I swear, if I could get “freedom” there, I’d LIVE there…

“Sexual Healing” – this is really fucked. In the lyrics to this song it says “I can’t wait to operate” (as in cutting off my head and keeping it alive).

“I’m the one who wants to be with you, deep inside I hope you feel it to, just to be the next to be with you” …radio talking to me…

“I feel for you and I love you” radio, again.

“I need a dirty woman, I need a dirty girl” radio again.

Fuck this shit…I heard a dj talking and just when I tuned in he said “How far down your throat does it have to go?” Now this is stuck in my head…and they jammed a penis in my mouth….while climbing the steps...

Then there’s a song that goes “Eminence Funk” which morhphs to me “Living is fucked, living is fucked, it’s a put on” Because, you know how sometimes lyrics in songs kind of sound like something else. I mean I KNOW the lyrics but it still sounds like “Living is fucked.”

While climbing the steps there was a guy on the chair who said, just when I got there, “Go on to” – and I thought of it meaning, go on to "bigger and better things”

Another song: “Shake your ass bitch, let us see what you’ve got…"

A Negative from a PositiveI saw a sign at day treatment that said “One step at a time, you can do it! We can help. To me that meant, get on a bridge…one step at a time, you can do it, we can help. Incredible.

ShadowsDamn I keep seeing shadows lately. I look and no one is there. A daily occurrence now.

SPIRITUALITYYanno, I kind of think about God and wonder…how could God make dinosaurs, and just sit there for hundreds of millions of years….just sitting there watching them, like HOW BORING! P.S. DON’T mention this to Christians, they just believe the earth is I guess 6 thousand years old. I think?

XXXLately I’ve been getting some XXX stuff, from my point of view. For example, I forget where I was, but I could “feel” and “see” stuff. Here we go: at one point, I felt like I had a penis in each hand, and two other guys masturbating over me. And what happened is, all four dudes came at once, and I felt cum dripping down my face. What can I do?

Then today I “saw” someone’s fist and they proceeded to “fist fuck” me. Damn…

In 1986, I think, I was living with this gay dude. I’d been pushed down and down until I submitted to gay sex, needing somewhere to to live. Well, this guy, Bill, let me live at his house, and he made some XXX videos of me. He had quite a set up, cameras, lighting, etc. Anyway, years later I’m wondering if I MIGHT be successful some day, and if that video could come back to haunt me. Who knows?While listening to Howard Stern, they mentioned “Mercedes” and it meant, to me, I’ll have a Mercedes. Some day. Because, immediately after they said it, a car honked (which always means to punctuate the thought). Keep my fingers crossed.

Also, I only get a few messages from listening to Stern and I just consider them to be coincidences. But when he goes off the air the radio is just waiting for me, waiting to give me messages.

My voices call me a star. Lotsa B.S. of course. But guess what, we had a group at OPS where I read encyclopedias, and I reached over a bunch of people and got the “F” encyclopedia, (without knowing which one), and I turned the pages and got to, without trying, “Falling Star” which, again, meant to me something bad as in “falling star = suicide.”

OMG, lately in the van I’m getting radical anxiety, I move my legs from side to side, cross them, just basically adjust them a million times. This is a real bitch.

I’m proud of myself cause I turned down sex with some girl because of my new relationship with “Melinda.”

Then “Cathlean,” a lover from about two years ago called and wanted to date (like we use to)…And I turned her down, too, although we’re going to email and stuff.

Lastly, I was listening to an internet provider commercial, they said to "go through them" because we are "internet safe" and that "safe is beautiful" which made me think that I was beautiful. And safe.

NOVEMBER - LATE 2005“Make me do right, or make me do wrong, I’m your puppet” as if I’m the puppet.“I’m your puppet, I’ll do anything, that you want me to, I’m your puppet.”

“If this world runs out of lovers we’ll still have each other” Voices trying to get me to love them.

“Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight” Talking about masturbating with me later in the day.

“I love her and I’ll be there for her” Me being her.

SEX CHANGE B.S.My voices are playing the sex change bullshit. Been there done that...

First of all, my voices have electronically given me some boobs, not a lot, fortunately. I’m weird, cause today on the steps they were playing tricks on me and I WANTED them to be bigger. Damn. I swear they can make me so stupid. Then they started some “get some implants” bullshit.

Then, while climbing the steps I saw a bush shake. A cat or something. And that meant, to me, is to GET a bush. Yanno, sex change AGAIN. I can’t believe it. THEN I rethought it and thought, “bush shake” means B.S. which gave me an internal laugh.

The song “Sexual Healing” has a line that says, “I can’t wait to operate” meaning to:A. Operate by cutting my head off and keeping my brain alive, OR meaning, Operate, meaning a sex change (yanno, to operate). I can’t figure out which was worse, actually.

And it continues. I was listening to a DJ and they said “the word for today is: procedure” and it sounded like another sex change message…Procedure, yanno.

I’m being re-evaluated for social security and I’ve worried what I would do without it, and, in all the millions of thoughts one of them (like just 10 seconds, swear to God) was prostitution. Just ten seconds, not like I contemplated it seriously. And this song came on: “Roxanne, you don’t have to put on the red lights” and, since I wasn’t serious in the first place, I just got a laugh,.

Damn. I’m listening to some station and they said “are you feeling it?” and I instantly felt it in the butt. They said this twice as I was tuning around.

I’m TRYING to be faithful to my girlfriend but it can get difficult. I was next to some girl on the van on the way home yesterday and I heard, “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one your with.” ALSO, I got a big (electronic, you know, from my voices) hard on. And I was so horny I could barely breath. On the good side, I didn’t let it go any further.

“Worried about your little world falling apart” then I “saw” a twenty-something girl, with long straight brown hair, kiss me on the forehead. Well, it sounds good…but maybe it’s a 70 year old man. Who knows?

As for almost screwing around on my girlfriend, the radio played “shot through the heart, and who’s to blame, you give love a bad name.”

When I turn off the radio, or get out of the van, I ALWAYS hear the last song playing in my head. What a bitch.

I saw a blimp today, over day treatment. Flying damn low. Close enough that, with my bad eyes, I could read it. And it flew repeatedly around day treatment.

So I’m thinking, this is kind of exciting, what message does it say? Because, it’s just for me. Anyway, there wasn’t any words, just some designs. And, in the middle, I saw a heart. So I’m thinking, awww, it’s a heart. For me and my girlfriend. Yay! Then I thought again and came up with “Heart Attack.” Damn, there ALWAYS has to be negative messages. Fuck. Like Jennifer says, try to look for a GOOD sign when I get messages. But here I had the “good” sign and it turned into something bad.

As for Jennifer, we had an outing to Kobey’s Swap Meet and one girl fell ill, some kind of stomach deal. I didn’t think anything of it until later. Turns out the girl was hurt by my voices. Damn, and I was having a “kind of” good day. As for outings, the only way it will work is if I have 10 people with me.

Also at Kobey’s I saw a hopefully good sign. I saw a girl with a shirt that said “mellow yellow” and thought that can mean “MELLOW” as in the day is going to be mellow. Which it wasn’t, come to think of it.

Also at Kobey’s I bought a carpet and someone mentioned it can have kinks in it. So I was worrying about that and I was getting a ton of laughter which was pissing me off. It was kind of a "tough shit" moment. When I took it home there was a little bit of kinks, but not too bad.

Even at day treatment, SOMETIMES I get negative stuff. While climbing the steps yesterday someone honked their horn, and then someone else, within ten seconds. Like usual, when i hear a honk, it's there to punctuate the thought. Anyway, they were honking at my thoughts. Not that they knew it. Some kind of bad sign, though I don’t recall.

People ask me “How are you doing” and I’m like “oh, ok.” But if I start feeling TOO good, my voices remind me about a relative who was in a motorcycle accident. Choreographed by my voices. And his left arm is useless. The only good thing is he’s got a lot of money, and is going through hot girlfriends like all the time. I’m sure he would rather have his arm but…

We have a delivery van that comes to Bayview with the words “CARE” on it. Two signs here: A. “board and care” or B. “We care for you.” I don’t like the board and care meaning.

Last week I had a whole book of stamps and I lost them. So I went through the trash,(in my apartment) yanno, that’s 8 bucks, and, while digging through disgusting stuff, my voices said “get used to it” meaning to collect cans for money.

My worst hassle is voices when I go grocery shopping. I go to a produce place, a 99 cent store, Walmart, and Vons. It’s just a bitch. And, yanno, sometimes, even if it’s not incredibly horrible (kill family, and stuff like that), it still you makes you weary. Just tired to death. WEARY. You just get tired of thinking so much.

I saw a truck one day. It said "LAND STAR" and instantly I came up with "ANAL STAR." Oh well.

Oh, we have, at day treatment, an Indian treatment coordinator. We occasionally talk together. Well, it made me think of him because I was vacuuming and i thought the spinning part wasn't working. So I bent down to look on it and, with my long hair, I came within an inch of having my hair caught into the spinning thing. So I thought about it and came up with this: "I was almost scalped!" It would have torn a chunk out of my hair. Wow! Scary….It was that close.

Yanno, I listen to Howard Stern every morning for a couple of hours. With so much of my attention on him, I am kind of worried about him, like he'll break a bone or something.

The Rolling Stones came to San Diego two days ago and, yeah, it's weird but I wonder if they just might be mad at me because I didn't listen very much to the radio station that was playing them all day.

SPIRITUALITYI've taken to keeping my eyes open during prayer because if i don't I'll see porn.

We were singing "Christ Opened Paradise" and I thought of getting hospitalized. Because, instead of regular Paradise, I thought of "Paradise Valley Hospital."

RADIO (AGAIN!)My voices were touching me, yanno, in the butt, and i turned on the radio and there were these girls SCREAMING! Then the next song says "this is where the party's at."Then the NEXT song says "got me doing things I'd never do."

Then the DJ is talking and he called me "sumu."

I was thinking, when i die, my dust will be on the earth, and 5 billion years from now the Sun will expand until it reaches the earth...so, someday my dust will be on the sun.

God, every time i hear a siren i wonder if it's MY fault? Then again, other times I am worried about my apartment. Is it on fire? Wow, check this out, yesterday I heard sirens, so yeah, i'm worried about my apartment. THEN, a block from my house, I saw a fire truck...THEN, I got home and water is just pouring out of my next door neighbors porch. I thought, well at least it's THEIR house...So i'm getting ready to check for damage when I saw the neighbor. I said, "What happened?" and she said she was just hosing down the porch. UNBELIEVABLE. All of this was choreographed. SCARY!

So when I hear sirens I just think "what did I do NOW?"

QUICKIE UPDATELately I’ve been kind of tired, weary.

Because I’m thinking for a living. Damn.From the morning I wake up I get voices. Until I fall asleep. I’ve been sleeping 11+ hours a day and it doesn’t seem like enough. When I get on the van (coming to day treatment) I’m usually doing my best to sleep through the route.

Occasionally I have dreams (courtesy of my voices)…can’t even get away from voices in my sleep.

I’m just tired of being tired.

Yeah, the radio talks to me. Even when It’s not death and destruction and they are just giving me messages – good and bad – it’s tiring…

I’m just tired man.

THE MAIN POINTI’m just weary…I’m just weary.

EARLY DECEMBER 2005Damn, my voices gave me a super headache on Saturday. Nothing helped and I just coped the best I could. Damn, what joy when it went away…

ANYWAYWhile grocery shopping I heard a guy say “either put yourself into it or forget about it” which meant to me to, to work harder on my book dealie. Probably just some more bullshit. They seem to have a knack for dishing it out all the time.

THE FORCEI basically feel like there is a “force” like in Star Wars. Mainly reading mind stuff, I dunno. I just wonder if I’m going to survive when I die and be a part of the force, and me reading OTHER people’s minds instead of my mind being read? Fuckin’ A. Either that or maybe my head will survive and end up being controlled like a video game. Will just my head survive? Just when i typed this up i heard a car honk, like 6 times. To punctuate the thought...

Lately I’m just tired of being tired. I get 11 hours sleep and still that just isn’t enough.

RADIO (as always) TALKING TO MEDamn, even a Spanish station talked to me. I tuned in just in time to hear “mi amor”…love bullshit AGAIN (as if they love me). Mi amor means “my love”…

I tuned in to hear a guy say “I like it in the mouth.” Instantly I started feeling like I had a penis in my mouth.

I heard a DJ say “different positions” and immediately my voices started having sex with me in every way imaginable. Booty, Wiener, mouth, hands. As if I was with 6 guys at once.

THE PERFECT SONG: : (BEATLES)“Christ, you know it ain’t easyYou don’t know hard it can beThe way that it’s goingYou’re going to crucify me”

Another song:“I am sooooo into you, I can get to nothing else, I love the things you do”

Two different DJ’s on different station. I tuned around and heard a DJ say “you could always sell” and then I tuned around just in time to hear a DJ say “your self for cigarettes.” Prostitution. I just laugh inside.

Last weekend I tuned in and there was a caller named “Nicole” (my daughter’s name). Then I heard a car rev it’s engine, which means “Rev-Engine” which means “Revenge”. Thankfully (or so I thought) then I heard a song on the radio saying “just my imagination.” Like it’s just my imagination… Seems good, huh? Then, voices in my head said “do you really believe that?” And truthfully I just had to say, “um, no” to which they said “smart guy”. And then I heard another “rev – Enge” thing go off.

FINGER SHITI cross my fingers in a weird and unusual way. It’s like, I can feel my left pinky (tactile stuff) vibrate…and, like I’ve said, it’s a threat to my family (because the word “kin” is in pinky). So I wrap my ring finger around it. If I’m at day treatment I do my best to hide it because it’s just weird. If I smoke, it doesn’t “go off” so therefore I chain smoke. I tellya there have been times where I’d like to cut the damn finger off. Yanno, if I did, though, they’d just “touch” the stub. And the word “bust” is a jumble of stub. I hate that fucking finger! It goes off various times a day…and it ALWAYS goes off when I go to bed…well, that’s that. Oh, I’ve been doing this since 1989. Sixteen years.

Also this weekend I heard (in the morning) three helicopters fly above me in five minutes. Focus on “CHOPPER” – as in “chop her” head off. The floor literally shook. And I’m like, “ok, I know you’re there”.

GROCERY SHOPPINGI was at the produce store and there was a big line. Then I noticed a sign near the checkout that said “we don’t accept checks – sorry for the inconvenience” However, in my world I focused on “Sorry For The Inconvenience” Which meant they were apologizing for the long line. Again: "Sorry for the inconvenience"

GENERALIZED FEELING OF ANXIETY (G.F.A) which means FAG. The way I perceive it. Or have LEARNED to perceive it.

KMARTLast week I was in kmart and things were going ok. Then I saw an Asian girl in the store, with a bad arm. Instantly I recalled a family member who was in a motorcycle crash and has a bad arm. And, yeah, I feel responsible for that one. Damn.

HOW I FEELI feel tired, beaten up, knocked down, stressed with voices from every direction.

WINDThis hasn’t happened in a long time but last week I heard “words” in the wind. I can’t remember what it said but it was negative. A while back I could hear bus engines saying words. And to fight it you have to think of words. And the words you think of start coming out in the wind and bus engines and anything that makes noise. And you had to just think, think, and think, because if YOU didn’t throw in YOUR words you’d get negative stuff instead. Whew…

On the way to day treatment last Saturday I saw homeless people in a food line and my voices said “get ready for it.” I hope not, I’ve been homeless before so.

Yanno, I wonder if the people who make up my voices, well, I wonder if they ask to work on the holidays? Or do they ask to take the day off? Or is it a just a bunch of disembodied brains? Because my voices take NO HOLIDAYS.

With what I go through, I’m surprised I’m not in a state mental hospital.

Last Monday, going to Long’s Drugs I walked up and I saw a shopping cart. And my voices said, “it’s just waiting for you” (like being homeless).

I’m always worried when I have money in my wallet. I’m afraid they are going to self-combust it, meaning, burn it right in my wallet. I could have money in there, and then next thing, ashes.

MADONNA STUFFI’ve already said I have a “psychic” link to her. I saw her on HBO last year at a concert that was televised and she had a sign near the stage that said ‘FUCK OFF’ and I wonder if that was directed at me?

OH, THIS IS IMPORTANT! I did a check…with the power not on or anything, I put my head in the oven to see if surrounding my with metal could stop my voices. No deal, what a bitch. They came through loud and clear. Well, at least I tried.

BALBOA PARK OUTING – EARLY DECEMBER 2005Well the outing started out kinda good. I’ve said this before, but I thought, with what I go through I just think “somebodies gotta do it”. Just wish it wasn’t me. Early on a guy walked by, talking to someone, and he said “Somebodies gotta do it.” So..yeah. Then I heard someone laughing at that thought, and then, someone honked three times to punctuate the thought. Damn.

Ok so we go to the Christmas outing at Balboa Park and, while meandering through the carnival, I saw a guy who I see at every dance, and he has a broken leg, a cast on. Like it’s all my fault, which is how I took it.

Then I saw a 400 pound guy, dressed all in blue (like the colors I was wearing on that day). The message: this is going to be you. Then heard a honk from a scooter (yeah, as always, to punctuate the thought). Instantly I was worried that I’ll be in a scooter some day and people around me laughed at that thought.

Throughout the day I had a myriad of thoughts that were being laughed at.

Then I saw someone in a wheelchair, and, also instantly, I heard a car alarm for about three seconds. Like I’m going to be in one….

A good one here, a guy walked by, talking to someone, and he said “super nice guy.”

I heard a guy saying to someone “give up.” Which means "suicide" to me. I just file it away because I’m NOT suicidal.

Well I ate lunch and got hungry. Considered buying a hamburger and instantly I saw a 400 pound chick. Like, that’s gonna be you. So, I didn’t buy the hamburger.

Then I saw two pretty girls and everyone around me clapped. So weird, huh?

Someone then said “let me see your pictures” and I thought of a gay guy I was living with. And he took some xxx pix of me. So I was thinking the guy was asking to see them. Okay.

Yanno what I basically go through? Humiliation. Because people keep laughing at my thoughts; hard to describe.

My voices always try to get me to be gay. Then when I had a gay thought, my voices said “Not a bad idea.”

At the craft area at the Balboa Park outing a guy said “”we’ve got your back.” How nice.

Halfway through the Balboa Park outing a person walked by and said “so far so good.”

Someone in our group said “let’s go on a train.” Well a train, to me, means my voices (tactiley) having sex with me with like 6 guys at once. Oh well.

Damn, there was a gasoline tanker truck that overturned on Wednesday. Billows of smoke. No one was hurt luckily. And I was just waiting for my voices to blame me for that. They did, but just half heartedly, so I feel pretty much vindicated from that one.

So I’m doing the steps on Wednesday and over ten times I saw a shadow behind me. And I turned around and no one was there.

Saw a person walking by with a bulldog.” In my world, this means that I’m a dog (way ugly)…but with the word “bull” I’m not ugly. “Ugly – (is) Bull”

Heard the train go by sounding like “DOT DOT”. Reminds me of Madonna cause…okay, follow this…She was in a movie called “Truth or Dare.” The initials to that are TOD…which backwards are DOT…I don’t go through this every time, it’s just that whenever I hear DOT I think of Madonna. Instantly.

MADONNA SONG“If we took a holiday it would be so nice!” Because I really want a holiday occasionally, damn. And my voices don’t give me holidays. Yanno, I wonder if the people involved with my head ask to work on the holidays? Or ask for a day off, instead?

RADIO“Albertson’s…making your life easier” for what that’s worth…

Okay, I have a steady girlfriend. She’s been sick for a week and, I have to admit, at times I’m flirting my ass off. This song came on the radio:

“Why must I feel like that? Why must I chase the cat? Must be the dog in me"

I was tuning around the radio and just in time I heard:“Helping to you reach your financial goals”

I was listening to Howard Stern yesterday and they mentioned a “golden shower”. THEN on the way home someone on the radio was talking and they said “Golden.”…So, with a lot of help from my voices, for like 10 seconds, I fantasized about…doing it. Unfucking believable. Never would have thought about it if I wasn’t suffering from voices.

One of the girls I’m flirting with is a girl named “Sonia”. Weird, but there is a blimp hanging around Bayview for over a week. And the blimp says “SANYO” which jumbled up is “SONYA.”

More flirtation here. I was kind of fixating on a certain girl. Then I saw an “Exit” sign…which meant “Excite”, which meant she was excited, horny. Then I felt aroused (tactile stuff from voices) and I kinda asked my voices to MAKE her horny. Using the force for bad, lol.

This is trippy…And I’m not going to do this…but I’ve thought of calling every radio station and asking them “do you know you are talking to me.? Like I said, I’m not going to do it . Classic mental case stuff.

Radio said, “Ron Howard.” Sounded like “how hard” to me. Which made me think of masturbating with my voices later. Because when I masturbate, THEIR hand controls MY hand. But, yeah, I’ve said that before. So they are saying “How hard?”

We had a group and, therapeutically, it was supposed to be beneficial. They said, practice “Mindfullness” by thinking of your hand. Just think of your hand. Well that didn’t work out because I got tactile stuff. My voices touching my pinky, which is a threat to my family because the word “kin” is in pinky…

When I close my eyes I see porn and stuff. Then they said “wouldn’t you like to be mindful with your eyes open?” SO, now I’m occasionally seeing porn with my eyes open...

In mindfulness we mentioned deep breathing. Now, to me, to "quit" means suicide. Because I don’t have freedom of thought and the only way out is to commit suicide. So, in mindfulness they said “Just notice it – the urge to quit will PASS – and go back to deep breathing. So to me it meant, “don’t quit, the urge will pass” meaning, the urge for suicide will pass. I’m not suicidal, but it's a nice thought.

MID DECEMBER 2005Howard Stern got a rash on one of his boobs and I consider it my fault. Oh yeah, he also had a song on that said “Danny Danny Danny”, and somethin’ else.

Thursday I had hospital thoughts all damn day….

DON’T READ UNTIL I WALK AWAY (the reason why)I don’t want people to read my stuff til I walk away. I do this basically to everyone. My thoughts are embarrassing and full of sexual stuff and, like I said, I just want to get away, and let people read it later. I don’t know why, but leaving the situation makes me forget about all the details so….as for Dr Saben (psychiatrist), well I suppose you’ve heard it all before…

Sometimes I consider calling the different radio stations and just say “do you KNOW you are talking to me? Not gonna do it though. It’s just a thought, a whim.

I was listening to Howard Stern and they talked about severed heads, like my voices swear they are going to do to that to me. Because Ted Williams (a baseball player) has had this done to him and Michael Jackson’s looking into having it done to him. So, yeah, it’s weird. Ummm, but reality?

Also while listening to Stern I heard Cyndi Lauper sing a song live from his studio, and yeah, I really think it was about me.

THEN what was sooooo cool, is that, the song normally ends “like a rainbow” which has always meant “ow brain (rainbow morphed)” ….as in something really screwed…but she DIDN’T SAY THIS PART AND ENDED IT HERE! What a great fricking sign.

Because I’ve had psychic links to her (and to Madonna) since 1985. Whew! It’s like I “chose” each of them. Basically, I just fixated on the two hottest chicks on the planet (in 1985).

THIS IS EMBARASSING BUT I had a diologue with Madonna last week. Actually, it was my voices pretending she was talking to me:

TO ME: “Hi Dan!”“ummm, hi Madonna”TO ME: “Wanna see my cunt? It’s really me!”TO ME: “You’re an asshole I hate you. You called me “old.” So are you you.”TO HER: “I’m sorry:TO ME: “I like you again. I love your hair bitch. Cyndi Lauper sucks. I used to love you.”.A couples months ago I was worried what would happen to me on Madonna’s birthday, because last year I hurt myself on that date. So when her birthday came around I was just waiting for something to go wrong. I even told my sister that I was worried about it.

So I got on the internet (on her birthday) and instead, SHE was hurt…. She fell off a horse.

TO ME: (in reference to her fall) “That hurt like hell!” TO ME: “Wait for your turn.” Whats gonna happen to me on her next birthday?ANYWAY:TO ME: “I feel like I have a cock – want me to screw you.? I like it in my butt. Can you feel it in yours?”To ME: I really feel like I have a cock and you have a bush. Can I fuck you from the front bitch? (just then someone honked their horn (sounded like ”DOT” (a nick name I have for her)TO ME: “Would you like me to PP in your butt? I’ve got nothing better to do. I had it done to my pussy. (WHICH SHE REALLY DID IN HER BOOK).

TO ME: “Congratulations on your exercise (regimen). I do yoga Dan.”TO ME: “We’ll do it tonight (me masturbating with her)…lol…MADONNA: “I feel like I’m a gay man inside” (I’d read that about her).

I’M saying to my voices:STOP! I don’t wanna fall for this B.S.! THEN they said “smart guy” (that I was smart because I didn’t believe it).

BACK TO MADONNA: A song came on saying “keep it coming luv, keep it coming luv, don’t stop it now, down stop it now” (meaning) don’t stop thinking about her.

Alanis Morisette has been popping into my mind because I saw her a picture of her in the paper and on her left hand she penned in her name. Because I always write stuff on my left hand. And it’s like she wants me to write HER name on MY left hand. I feel like they are shoving her down my throat but that’s ok…I guess…

MORE GAY STUFF: I was sitting next to some guy, he looked gay. THEN my voices started to arouse me a little, and then I heard, on the radio “a dream come true.” Then he left, I am was so glad.

VOICES CONSIDERING MY BOOK: “You know your book is going nowhere.” Then they said “best seller” which means B.S. if you follow…

I have an MP3 player which records off the radio. Every day from 12 to 12:30pm they have “old school rap”on a radio station and yesterday I was listening for a good song to record….if they would give me one I’d consider it a “gift.”

Then YAY ! I got a good song… “YAY I got another song. Finally, another song. The radio played them explicitly for me. My voices knew what songs I liked and then played them. Three gifts!

LATER ON: My voices called me a “dumbass” because 5 percent of me really believed it was Madonna. The laughs on me..

LATER ON: (concerning my dialogue with Madonna), I went to the pharmacy and I ran into a mental case who told me he talks to Bill Cosby. This was supposed to be the ultimate humiliation. Like I was just another mental case believing something like this (talking to Madonna) but, hey, 90 percent of myself DIDN’T fall it. Humiliation was the goal but it didn’t work. I didn’t believe it. If I had REALLY believed it, it would have been total humiliation but when it came down to it, I just didn’t believe it…So it didn’t work on me.

SATURDAYI was thinking “is this stuff being done by satellite?” and the TV said “mystery solved. WOW.

OUTING TO HOTEL DEL CORONADOFirst of all, we get there and immediately I walk by an old lady with a cast on her arm. As if was my fault.

I heard a guy say to someone: “You’ll have good days and bad days.”

Then I saw someone is a wheelchair and I felt guilty because a guy in a wheelchair was killed a few days earlier crossing a train track. Damn.

Throughout the damn day people were laughing at my thoughts.

Then I saw a girl who looked like the girl I knocked up a long time ago.

I saw a 75 year old lady and I called her a chick. Something like “let this chick walk by.” And yanno what, she liked it lol.

Then I saw a fat chick with a worried look in her eyes and I thought “what the hell did I do now?”

Then a Filipino guy with “DKNY” jeans on. Means (my name is Danny K). Which morphs to DKNY. Like he’s a fan or something.

Then another big fat guy (“worried it’s gonna be me”) and the answer was laughter. Is this good, or bad?”

Clinton (a look alike) made an appearance. I saw him and got loads of laughter, because I thought it just might be him for a second.

Then I’m seeing Limos. That’s what I’m followed around by: Limos (as if I’m going to be in one”) and homeless people (as if I’m going to be one).

At some points I was hearing a myriad of sounds aimed at me, laughter, talking (aimed at me), people talking on their cell phones (aimed at me). Just everything. Damn.

When I got home, I turned on the radio and I heard possibly the most succinct song aimed at me:“SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGNDO THIS DON’T DO THAT, CAN’T YOU READ THE SIGN?”

Lately the TV has been talking to me. What happens is I’m watching TV and then it cuts to a blank space. Just for a second: which means B.S. Yanno, Blank Space. So I get a thought and immediately I see and hear the B.S. thing on the television.

Saw a comic strip. Love it! A kid writing in the snow “WHY ARE WE HERE?”

This is wild, but in San Diego there was an overturned gas truck that blew up a week ago. Could see it for miles. I was just waiting for my voices to call it my fault. They did it somewhat.

Then a week later a fuel depot in England blew up. Terrorism, I think. Anyways, I was in public worrying it was my fault and just when I thought this someone walked by and said “True” as if it was my fault. Sonofabitch. I really believe there’s a connection but I don’t think it’s my fault. Oh well. But, yeah, so I don’t feel guilty.

ANYWAYS! I keep seeing shadows when I’m walking on the steps. What a hassle.

On the van on the way home from day treatment, we were on El Cajon Blvd (known for it’s prostitutes), and I said (in front of my chick) that I wanted to “window shop”. Yanno, just look. I dunno, three days later I heard a song that said the words “window shop” and I got a laugh.

And, yanno, these people that follow me are so fucking real. I just do not fucking know if they are “visual hallucinations” or real. Am I being followed my hundreds of people or what? Don’t fucking know. They are just too damn real. I swear they are I fucking do.

I had a dream a week ago that I could fly. Everyone has this one so no big whoop. In the dream I was feeling it in the stomach. Yanno, swooping down and stuff. When I woke I was like, if I could just have this dream I wouldn’t need food or water, I just want the dream. It was like, I run about ten feet and lift off! Didn’t always work but when it did it was great.

The next day, thinking about it, I remembered that I had watched Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer last night. So there we go.

ANYWAYS

I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFEI HATE THIS FUCKING LIFEI HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE

I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFEI HATE THIS FUCKING LIFEI HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE

LATE DECEMBER 2005I was listening to the radio and one station said "You're not old, you're a classic." Terrific.

I read in the paper about U.S. Senators protesting wire taps within the country (phones, email, cell phones)...What would they think about me?? I mean, i've got my damn BRAIN tapped, sonofabitch. So i guess, someone would be on my side. Someone very high up.

Tami (case manager) became sick last sunday. I consider it my fault...hope it wasn't too bad.

Saw a yellow cab. This meant? C A B morphs to B A C which stands for "Board and Care." I don't wanna go to a board and care...but the yellow? It morphs to Y el Low - YL, and backwards LY which, finally means ly as in Lie...i'm going to a board and care - lie...As in most of these things, i don't go through all the motions, a yellow cab automatically means i'm not going to a board and care.

RADIO TALKING TO MEIt is soooo sophisticated. They can make me happy...sad, joyful, sorrowful...I don't know how else to say this but they make me "walk the line."

"I am the eye in the sky, i'm looking at you, I can read your mind." Well, that's pretty blatant.

"Forget about your worries you can leave them all behind." Obvious meaning.

(Commercial) "Changing the way you think about the radio." This one i don't understand. Are they going to make me think of something good? Or something bad?

HOWARD STERN

While listening to Stern they talked about "Paranoid Schizophrenic Homosexuals." This one hit close to home.

Voices said to me: "You wouldn't believe how far it's gone."

I've said this before but when i get negative signs i instantly think "cunnilingus" and it used to mean just as it says. THEN my voices began "going down" on my booty (they consider it a vagina)...then somehow they morphed it into me getting a penis inserted in my booty and, after they finished, when i get negative stuff...to fight it, i think about getting it in the booty. A gradual process; it lead from going down on a girl, to getting it in the butt. But there's nothing i can do, because you'd rather get THAT feeling than think of bad stuff. After all the bad stuff and having things morphed all over the place it ends up with me saying "put it in there."

DECEMBER 20 AND 21 2005My fucking "pinky" thing kicked up and it was real fucked. All i could feel was my pinky being "touched." A threat to my family. I was feeling horrible...thinking about going to the hospital...I called my sister and told her i was thinking about going to the hospital...inexplicably, I made her mad. Finally it went away but damn it was close.

I hate when i wake up in the morning because "SOMEONE'S" always on my mind. It's just horrible, a fucking burden. It just makes you weary, just plain weary.

ANYWAYSSo they did the Madonna B.S. the whole time i did the steps on friday. Basically i feel like it was probably a 60 year old gay guy masquerading as "Madonna."

FRIDAY DECEMBER 23 2005I went shopping and the paranoia was OFF THE HOOK! It turned out to be a "public appearance." Thoughts responded to, answered, just....micro managing....second to second, second to second, just out of damn control. I don't know how to explain it....almost like being a fucking star! Like everyone is there, just for you....yanno, more like an anti-star...more attention in 10 minutes than you'd like in a lifetime....Out of fucking control!

Talked to Saben on Monday. He is trying to figure me out...what signs did i see? Well, my pinky was throbbing away (threat to family)...For some reason i didn't mention it, i'm kind of use to it when it's not super bad. When it is super bad that's ALL I can think of.. It's as real as real gets when that happens.

JENNIFER "Look for GOOD meanings of signs"Well i mentioned this one time, but, in the 80's i was getting the "pinky" thing. And i walk outside and ran into a "planted" guy who sold me some nudie magazines. On the cover i saw the word "pink"...And i thought, hey, every time my "pinky" finger goes off i can think of a girl's private parts! Sounds like a lotta fun!

So i tried it and ended up masturbating. It was a fight. Then, without any relaxation, they did it again, and I fought hard to make it a “vagina thought” compared to a “kin/family threat” Finally after three times I was exhausted and i gave up...I mean, you can't masturbate your whole life...can you? So the “kin” thing wins.

ANYWAYS!Well christmas was pretty good...altho, there's a guy in the family who got hurt on a motorcycle accident and he has a bad arm, and he showed up...Yeah, i feel like it was my fault. So every time i see him i feel bad...It wasn’t the greatest xmas I gotta say.

Thursday and Friday I got the pinky thing going and it was a bitch. I considered going to the hospital because it was really tough. I called my sister and told her and she got mad at me.

JANUARY 2006The “die but keep my brain alive” thing is a real hassle. It started in 1986 and it continues to this day. I mean, shoot, when I pass over (when you die) they MIGHT keep me alive…so you never know if you are in heaven or hell because it just might be my voices in control…I can just imagine when I take my last breath, and die, will I be kept alive and is it more of the same? Or today they told me I would be in the brain of a good looking guy and getting all kinds of sex.

More Madonna stuff…when I come across the term “wide open” I think of her. Naked. Because Wide O Pen = WOP…which is a word for WOP (Italians). (She’s Italian..and so am I) So I think of WOP, I think of Madonna, wide open…weird.

I see the occasional armored car parked here at Bayview, and I salivate and get an erection. Not really!

OH! I was trying to light a cigarette with an empty lighter and I kept trying and then it lit! And I swear, the lighter didn’t work. So I’m thinking they lit my cigarette for me. Not 100 percent sure but I know they COULD if they wanted to. They could cut my hair, too, or give me the closest shave in the world.

Damn, some guy taking a shortcut walked through Bayview pushing a shopping cart and it’s like “get ready” (to push a shopping cart).

Tami (treatment coordinator) became sick last Sunday and I feel real bad about that, that my voices made her feel sick.

This morning I was doing the steps and, two different times, I heard sirens and I just asked “what did I do now?”

I’ve said this before but I’m going to have my mind read and wrote (putting words in rather than just listening) til the day I die. I won’t have privacy even in death.

A positive signSometimes, lately, when things start getting bad, I “see” a twenty-ish girl, with brown hair lean over and kiss me on the cheek. But, yanno, it’s probably a 70 year old guy.

RADIOA song came on saying:

“I always feel like somebodies watching me”

ANOTHER:“Now we’re standing there face to face, isn’t this world a crazy place?”Then I “saw” (like in the shadows) the same chick in her twenties kiss me on the cheek. Kind of like soothing me in the bad times.

ANOTHER SONG“I believe it’s time for me to fly” (as in suicide)

”Call me God”The other day I was just weary of it all. Tired of waking up to someone inside my head. Where I have to think all the time. Making sure I just have good thoughts. So I said to my voices, “You fucking know what I think before I know…you’re God” – then I immediately heard bells, whistling, and cheering and they said “That’s what we wanted to hear!” Because I finally referred to them as God which pisses me off because they are just people, they AREN’T God.

Then I thought about, what if they really did keep my brain alive? And then I hear maniacal laughter.

MASTURBATION SITUATIONWell when I get everything ready for masturbation, I look at two straight magazines, looking at hundreds of photos of girls, but I keep four pictures of gay stuff nearby, just in case. So I’m looking at penthouse and stuff, and I get a crick in my neck and I have to move my head to get rid of the crick and when I turn my head around to where the pain is gone I’m immediately facing gay stuff.

Then my mouth starts to say gay words, I fight it but it feels so good. They touch me with my own hand. My mouth is saying stuff. “gay is the way” and other gay stuff. Then they try to get me to kiss them and, after a lot of persuading I end up kissing them. And, at times, I’m starting to talk like I’m in a porn movie and I’m a porn star.

“I need it, give it to me”“yes, yes, I like it”“Deeper, touch me deeper, yes I like it there, oh yes, oh yes.”

They are in control of my weiner and everything else, my mouth is saying nasty things, but if feels so good you don’t fight the gayness

And right after writing this I last paragraph I heard a song that said:“Let’s get N A S T Y, I want to bring out the freak in you.”

And when I finish I feel so disgusted….

And then they say “did you like it?” and I sarcastically said “Yeah, it was fucking great” and immediately I heard (a song): “That’s the way, uh huh, uh hu, I like it, uh huh uh huh,”“That’s the way, uh huh, uh hu, I like it, uh huh uh huh.

ANYWAYS!Every couple of days my “voices” call me over the phone and when I say “hello?”no one is there. They just want to hear me say “Hello” because that means “Owe Hell” as if I “owe” myself to hell. What a bitch. Like there’s an after life, and they will keep my brain alive.

FREE PENSWell the other day I was looking around various stores looking for a good pen. But I didn’t want to spend the money, I’m keeping a strict budget. THEN the day before yesterday I looked on my dining room table there was a pack of pens. I’ve bought many crappy pens and when I tested them they were just great! Thanks to my voices…Because every so often my voice take something, or leave something, you never know what. Right out of my fucking house.

CROSS DRESSING PHASE (MID 2000)Sometime during 2000, my voices “whittled away” extra pounds, I mean, I was eating the same but dropping pounds like crazy. It got to the point that I was worried. I looked at the pant size i was wearing and I was thinking, “when will this stop?”

I couldn’t figure it out, but then when I was laying in bed I felt a sensation in my stomach…and slowly but surely they gave me the message: “we are giving you an electronic version of liposuction.”

To add to this, they found a way to give me boobs. Normally it wouldn’t so weird because overweight guys can get breasts, but they whittled me down to 140 pounds, and, being this skinny, the boobs really stuck out. And another weird thing is, I started getting attention from, it seems like, every guy. I couldn’t believe it, no matter how tough looking they looked, it was the same….

We had a thrift store at Bayview and I would sometimes find myself all alone and sneaking clothes out, looking at chick’s stuff and I would grab all sorts of girls clothes. It evolved from pink t shirts, to panties, miniskirts, skirts, tops….and masturbation was a joy, I would look at myself in the mirror, wearing a mini-skirt, doing it. It was kinda like, I’ve got access to this body 24 hours a day. And with the boobs and chicks clothes, it was stimulating…it got to the point I was wishing for them to get bigger! Oh, BTW, I reached a size 6 pant size (chick’s clothes).

And, damn, my voices screwed around with the thrift shop inventory because everything would fit to a “T…

THEN, one day, I was looking and the sizes all started getting larger and larger – it was a sign that I would get larger…and it happened.

AND THAT WAS MY CROSS DRESSING PHASE...

ANYWAYS!This is a bitch. I was in Long’s Drugs and I heard, over the intercom “children’s Tylenol” which made me think my child needed Tylenol (as in headache). And, what a bitch, a couple of weeks later I was with my daughter and she has been getting headaches. That hurts SO bad…that just hurts SO bad…

We have a group called “DBT” and, for some reason, my voices make me squirm because they are doing that “pinky” thing…I just can’t stay through the group without going outside to smoke. (cause, like I’ve said, smoking helps me get thru the pinky thing).

There was a guy on the Bayview Van and my voices started to arouse my weiner, and I could feel something in my booty and my voices said “he sucks dick” Gay as hell, I swear. Not really anything that I could do. Other than not react to the stimulation.

Well, as I always say, every FM radio station“talks” to me. I ran across a DJ who had a sore throat. He was hoarse. Immediately I heard a siren (meaning kind of like “bust” – as if it’s my fault).

And it occurred to me again…I hate this fucking life…and, while typing this sentence I heard a car alarm…again, as if “bust”. I then heard, in my head, my own private song, going something like this:

I’ve often wondered if this is being done by satellites…they say, with satellites, they can see like 12” across….can they be reading my mind by satellites? AND put thoughts in via satellites?

The other day I was doing “the steps” (I climb steps for 1 ½ hrs a day, 6 days a week), and I saw a 60’s VW Microbus, rainbow colored…kind of saying I’m a hippie, because I have very long hair. It was real pretty.

I saw a truck, at Bayview, that said “Overnight” with 3 little stars meaning, “Overnight Star”…I don’t read anything into this because I’ve seen this company’s truck once in awhile for 20 damn years.

I also saw a trash truck that said “Caution Hot” so, first of all, I thought about a certain chick, and it meant she was “Hot” as in horny…then I played around with the words and I got “caution – hot” then “hot cunt action” and, I’m getting all excited til I find the actual meaning “Hot Cunt Action”- N O T! As weird and obtuse this sounds, my voices wanted me to think exactly this way.

I’ve been seeing a van parked near my house with the word “VIDEO” on it. This makes me think of a nasty video tape, XXX, starring me that some guy taped of me. I never would have done this were it not for my voices, grinding me down into homelessness. Avoiding gay sex a bunch of times until there was nothing else I could do. Last resort.

ARNOLDSchwarzenegger referred to someone as a “girlie” man and I feel it was a slam at me. And, as you may well know, he was involved with a motorcycle accident, and, yeah, I think it’s my fault (and, just now writing this down, I heard a car alarm meaning “bust” or “true”) Like, to punctuate the thought.

RADIO STUFF (talking to me)I heard a dj talking while I was surfing the FM dial (“surfing the voices, actually”) and a DJ said, “let Spielberg get a hold of this story” as if….well yanno.

I LOVE to flirt around, (but nothing serious because I’m being faithful to my girlfriend) and I heard a song that said might as well face it your addicted to love. With this flirting around, I heard a song that said “shot through the heart” and you’re to blame, “You give love a bad name, bad name”….saying, I give love a bad name by flirting around especially thinking of other chicks.

On the other hand sometimes if I’m talking to some girl, I hear (radio), “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one your with.”

This is Ironic because I heard Martin Luther King (we were both born January 15) saying “free at last, free at last, thank god almighty we’re free at last” and I thought of the irony of me NOT BEING FREE, EVEN IN THOUGHT”. Ain’t that a bitch.

Once in a blue moon my voices compliment me on my eyes and I hear the song “she’s got Bette Davis eyes.”

If I see a guy and hear this song ( “he’s a magic man”) it makes me think he has aids because “Magic Johnson” has aids. Yanno, magic man.

XMAS – MID JANUARY 2006

RADIO STUFFMy voices and I have kind of a “pact.” See I was listening to my MP3 player all the time and they electronically “zapped” it. Wrecked it, in other words. So the way it goes now, I listen to the mp3 on the van on the way into Bayview, and on the way home…but in the mean time I listen to the “voices” on a regular radio. I “surf” the voices, generally. In other words, “surf” the radio. Because, I had thought, when I got the mp3, they wouldn’t mind because they wouldn’t have to spend all that trouble “talking” to me via the radio. But I guess not…because, like I said, they wrecked it. SO, I’m hoping they won’t wreck it again…

SONG: “don’t you worry about a thing” wishful thinking.

SONG: “No more Fun And Games Of The Mind” the first letters are F A G O T…

I combed my hair and the next song was “She’s got the look” like I look good….or maybe just my hair…

SONG: “ I hope you don’t mind if I put down into words, how wonderful life is when you’re in the world” A BUNCH OF FLATTERY.

MORE FLATTERY“Shake your booty, shake your booty.You can do it very well, You’re the, best in the world, I can tell”

AND IT CONTINUES:“Simply the best…better than all the rest”

SONG: (ALAN PARSON’S PROJECT) “ I wouldn’t like to be like you.” WELL SAID…NO ONE should like to be like me, regardless of the perks of power.

DJ saying “stay safe” (I appreciate the sentiment).

Adam Corolla (DJ, he took Howard Stern’s place)…he’s pretty good...ANYWAYS…I feel like he was referring to me when, on his show, he said someone is a “Flaming Homo”\

So Adam Corolla has a talk show and talk shows are better…I get less signs. As opposed to changing the channel where the songs will be aimed at me. Yanno, what I mean is, the lyrics of songs on every other FM station is talking to me. So, when Corolla goes to commercial I think about changing the channel, but I get scared cause I KNOW every other station is like “waiting” for me…the songs talking to me...Luckily, there’s another talk show on at the same time (KGB).

The radio said stuff about “spreading seed” and I fantasized that it meant them secretly taking samples of my sperm and impregnating a whole lotta girls…

SONG: “Welcome my friend, welcome to the machine” The machine being a computer…and I am attached to a computer….and, the song continues “What did you dream?” and then it says “It’s alright WE TOLD YOU WHAT TO DREAM.” My voices MAKE me dream stuff….

SONG: “Nothing’s going to break my stride, I’ve got to keep on moving” (the means TO MOVE- what a bitch).

THEN, I heard, on the radio, the word “drag queen” and immediately I heard a car honk.

I heard “Let’s get N A S T Y (the letters spelled out) I Need to have a nasty time All the nasty things we could do Let me bring out the freak in you”

“A mother and child reunion is only a heartbeat away” meaning my mom is still alive, either with God, or had her brain frozen or she’s just still alive and she’s just a head. That I’ll be seeing her again. Incredibly it’s possible she is and that it’s a good thing. Figure THAT one out….

SONG with the lyrics “No time left for you….”

Since I’m worried about being homeless again, I saw a RV parked that said on the side “residency” which made me feel like I’m going to live in one someday.

I was reading about pain from cancer and someone HONKED. What a bitch…

There’s a movie commercial that talks about “closing in on me” and that rings a bell, like life is going to close in on me (more than it has been).

On a grocery shopping outing (which I consider it to be a public appearance – it’s a bitch) I thought of going into McDonald’s and 15 seconds later I saw a fat chick…meaning, I’ll get fat eating McDonald’s.

Also on this outing we went to Wal Mart, and a guy parked right next to us loaded up some luggage, this meaning “pack some bags and go to Washington (where my dad lives).” My dad wants me to visit, everything paid for and stuff. But I’m afraid to leave day treatment.

While reading the “scroll” underneath a football game, I saw the word “Moss” (a player in the game) and the announcer said “wish”…this weird thing meant that I wish I were super thin like “Kate Moss.”

There was, during this football game, a car commercial that said “wherever you wanna go” meaning, “buy a car” but when I fantasized about that for about 3 seconds the football announcers laughed at me. Humiliation.

On my birthday I received a on line gift certificate from Amazon.com. A hundred bucks, kind of nice. So for Christmas I got a $150 gift certificate from my dad for Best Buy….A year’s subscription to AOL (that’s $300 bucks) and the one I mentioned (Amazon). All in all I received $550 dollars from my dad from XMAS/Birthday. In a few seconds, thinking about this, the TV said “hey moneybags!”

ANYWAYS!Basically I have “Power” (capital P). Just fucking incredible. At times I’m controlled second to second. Because in DBT we talked about having power and I’m like “duh, yeah I have radical power and does ANYONE wanna take it? Please??

Then in DBT we talked about what happens when you are in crisis and need hospitalization, and I got worried just talking about it. I don’t even want to think about the hospital.

In a paragraph or two, during DBT we started talking about “going through a breakup” and I don’t even want to even think about breaking up with my chick. Not at all.

Also in DBT we talked about coping skills and I had to admit, one of mine is to “stay miserable” because whenever I get TOO happy, my voices click in some super negative stuff and bring me down to earth. So, yeah, you try to not get TO happy, cause you’ll get knocked down eventually.

Oh, I received some paper work at the DBT group and I set it down on the steps and I looked and pages were being blown by the wind, basically page by page and I’m thinking, “this is a sign to read this thing” and I’ve got it at home. And I AM going to read it.

At OPS every time I turn a certain corner I see a folded up wheel chair and I hope it doesn’t mean I’m going to be in one…but that’s the sign, anyways…

I heard Martin Luther King’s speech “free at last, free at last” and I thought maybe I won’t be free (in life) but maybe I’ll be free of nicotine (I’m going on day three, which is radical for a chain smoker).

P.S. – I start smoking again…there goes THAT dream.

GROCERY SHOPPINGThe last time I was shopping, when I was looking for cough drops, the music playing in the store was (because I was TRYING to quit smoking)“it’s now or never”

When it comes to grocery shopping I NEED Melinda. Because the visual hallucinations can be off the hook…micromanaging everything, second to second. Just like that, second to second. I swear to God it can be a bitch. And, yanno, I wasn’t sure if the people were real or not but I got an incredible sign that made me feel like they are not really there: I opened up a vacuum cleaner I bought and the instructions were in 5 or 6 different languages, but not in English. Then I started to assemble the vacuum myself and I looked and “Presto” the instructions were changed! They were NOW in English! That proves it that every single fucking person who does signs to me (and follows me) doesn’t exist. I don’t know if that’ll help or not. I just don’t know if that’ll help. Regardless, I consider my weekly grocery shopping to be a “Public Appearance.”

WAY BACK (Mid 80’s, I just remembered)..I was attempting to do “voice impressions” for awhile and I went to a swap meet and I saw a book called “To Kill A Mockingbird”….

MID 2001My voices convinced me I was going to be a big fucking star and after a couple of weeks of this I went out and spent $970 on a guitar and amp. I have fooled around on guitars for years, but using only one string at a time…and I knew NO CHORDS! It’s like, some times a star will say, “I made it and only knew 3 chords” and I’m like….”how about NO chords?” Funny when you look back…just wished I had my money back….

I was walking by some people and, in my head, I said “sex is work!” and everybody laughed at me…

I was reading on line about multifunction printers and, to me, it meant “MAL functioning printers” (I just bought a printer and I’m HOPING it doesn’t malfunction.).

So I’m on day 3 of quitting smoking. I’m a chain smoker and time after time I start thinking about lighting up (instances where I used to smoke, like getting out of the van, getting to steps, getting out of groups, etc.) But when I SERIOUSLY consider smoking my voices give me a radical cough, like they are helping me quit. Then again, in five minutes, I might be stressed to the point of having to smoke.

P.S. AGAIN – my voices have me smoking again…

ACCURACY OF THIS BOOKI’m doing my damndest to making this thing as accurate as possible. Things that I’m not sure of gets TOSSED OUT. Thing that COULD be a coincidence gets TOSSED OUT even when I’m 90 percent sure it’s a sign. Ever heard of “Literary License?” I take NO literary license. No embellishment…I’m doing a really good job…SO! But my voices try to get me to second guess stuff. They fight me basically, saying “this isn’t exact, this isn’t exact” and I end up deleting even more…stuff that I KNOW was right…so………

ANYWAYS!Here at Bayview they were cutting down a tree, throwing the branches into a chipper (is that the right term?)…a machine that converts branches into mulch…I fantasized about jumping into it, it seems like a quick and (painless?) way to die.

Yanno, I wonder if ambulances are continually following me so that, if I get a heart attack or something, they can arrive immediately so they can save my life…or my “head” to be exact. And have me live regardless. Like a head? Just a head?

TV TALKING STUFFI have little snippets of stuff from the TV. One of them is when the traffic helicopter chick says stuff, they pertain to me. Like, if she says “It’s getting pretty heavy on the 15” I think it means I’M getting heavy, or if she says “things are looking pretty good on the 805” then I’m thinking that I’M looking pretty good.

Yesterday I was in “games” group and I caught a headline in the paper…”facing a hazy future?”

An hour ago, I was walking the steps and a Mexican guy yelled out “perro” (which means, a dog) and I thought it concerned my looks..”You’re a dog!”

While on the steps I keep seeing a black butterfly. In the same exact spot. Last two days. Today I saw him twice and I got real close and he didn’t flinch. I don’t think he was really there…I really don’t think he’s there…or she lol…

FEBRUARY 2006Yesterday I felt like I had a knife to my neck. More like it, it was “in” my neck like one inch. This means, as usual, they are going to cut my head off and keep me alive. “CMH= “cut my head (and keep me alive).

I had Sunday off from program. On that one day off I had an indescribable feeling…I was stressed, tired, and depressed (I think). Just wanted to sleep (but couldn’t). I kept looking at the clock, hoping for the day to go by so that I could go to bed (6:30).

RADIOSONG: “break on through to the other side.” The other side meaning what comes after death.

I was listening to the radio while doing the steps and the radio actually said “turn off the radio” and, with a sign like that, I instantly DID turn it off. And went to tapes instead. And I didn’t turn the radio on for 30 minutes. (or so).

COMMERCIAL = “we’re in it for the long run” meaning…it’ll never stop. For the long run…til death. As in no privacy in death.

“There is always Magic in the air” Magic, meaning “AIDS” (because Magic Johnson has aids. And Magic in the air morphs to “AIDS = AIRBORN” which means the end of civilization if AIDS became airborne.

Commercial: “Mexico. Beyond your imagination.” Like having a Mexican prostitute who is so good she’s “beyond my imagination.”

The radio said something like “it’s cupid, and help is on the way” See, “help” has always meant help sexually…like if I said “help wanted” then I WANTED sex. So what they are saying is I’m going to have a new love. Problem is, I LOVE my g/f “Melinda.” So that’s that!

Someone said “if it ain’t one thing it’s another” and this really hit home.

DBT Group: The last two DBT groups were stressing. My “pinky” thing acting up. Had to go outside and smoke.

The “Madonna” thing (DOT) is in my life. There’s a guy named “Todd” at day treatment and his name backwards is DOT. (see, Madonna had a movie called Truth Or Dare, and the initials are TOD...so DOT or TOD both mean Madonna.

An old man walked up to me outside of the 99 cent store and said “no sleeping” and I thought, am I going to get insomnia? And instantly I heard a car honk to punctuate the thought. Funny thing is, I have this recorded (horn and all). See, I have a hand held digital voice recorder.

About the truck parked outside my house that said the word “Video” on it. I looked again and it also said “Duplication” and, to me, that meant a certain XXX video I did in 1986 was going to be duplicated. Who knows, it might be on the internet now.

SEAPORT VILLAGETwo woman walked by me (where I could hear them) and said “poor baby” three times.

Again, as always, I was followed EVERYWHERE during our outing at Seaport Village. But I now realize they aren’t real…the same way that I saw an instruction manual a week ago. It was in every language EXCEPT English. A minute later I looked at it and it WAS in English.

I’ve thought, if I get homeless I’d like to get a drum and play it for money. THEN at Seaport Village we walked alongside of a guy pushing a cart of drums and guitars. Kind of mocking me in a way.

Isn’t it kind of strange that “Valentines Day” initials are “VD?”

I’ve said this before but I swear to God someday I’m going to have a thought, and someone is going to openly, right out and ANSWER the thought.

Got caught looking at a chick and everyone around me (that I didn’t know) just started laughing.

Yanno, some girl at Seaport Village was giving me a sign and I wanted to just walk up to her and say, “Do you know how REAL you look?”

Sometimes when I hear people coughing around me I take it as a sign to quit smoking…

There was a boat near Seaport Village named “Seal” and I interpreted it as saying “Navy Seal” Because, like a Navy Seal, I’ve been through so much bad stuff I feel I’m kind of like a Navy Seal.

GONG SHOW – I was trying to write “going” and it came out as “GONG” which meant to me…I’m kind of like in the Gong Show…if I ever get too boring, my voices will pull the hook, as in death.

ON THE STEPSInsects often bother me, kind of following me (yes, even bugs bother me!). And they hang around me. Mocking me. There is this one breed of butterfly who always shows up on the rails, and he doesn’t flinch or anything, even if I get one foot away. Now I KNOW it isn’t there but….

Finished the steps and looked at my watch…”11:45” and police code for 1145 is suicide

MEN’S GROUPGreg talked about “improving your life” and I just let out a laugh…I’ll never be able to improve my life.

As i said before, U Haul trucks mean to "move" which is a bitch. On the way to day treatment there's a U Haul truck yard and it sucks because, instead of one here or there, i get to see like 50 of the fucking things!

OUCH - almost every day my voices make me bite my tongue while chewing gum...drawing blood.

SONG - there's a song called "Sweet Child of Mine" that i hate...because it has a line that says "I'd hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain" because that is the way i feel...as i said, my daughter Nicole has been getting headaches....By the way, i think the singer of this song must be going thru some of this, because he seems to worry about the same thing I am worrying about.

And, contemplating my daughter getting headaches I immediately heard a Rod Stewart song that said "It's all true."

This is a good sign (to me). I was listening to the radio and they said that people with Near Death Experiences, when they come back, aren't afraid to die. THAT would be so cool.

At day treatment, while doing the steps, a guy with a broken leg sat on the bench. And i'm thinking A) my voices broke his leg and B) they are going to break MY leg again (for the third time). I have crutches just in case.

And, even worse, he walked by and i looked and, damn, he was wearing shoes almost exactly like mine.

And it reminded me of, years ago, i walked by a guy on crutches and I said "wanna race?"...then, six months later, I was on crutches and some guy said "wanna race?" and i realized how mean it was to say that to someone on crutches.

RADIOOn KGB (radio station) they talked about hair cuts for like an hour. Finally one of the hosts got a haircut on the air. He didn't want to but they talked him into it. He liked his hair long because he wanted to look like a rock star and this hit home - it's the main reason I don't want to get a haircut. And woman complimented him...only like one in ten liked it longer. This whole deal related to me, i really think.

SONG (aimed at me): "Baby hair, with a woman's eyes" (my voices seem to like my blue eyes) - "It's you and me together....Sarah, smile, oh won't you smile awhile for me, Sarah?When you feel cold, I warm you (i swear, they can WARM me up....it can be 44 degrees outside and i can be warmed up...for example, ever notice why some rooms at day treatment are hot? THAT's why!

Also, about this song, it talks about "smiling" well, the day before this we talked (in DBT) about, sort of, a "forced" smile...So, this song hits home on many levels.

RADIO - a guy on the radio said this is "interesting television" (as if i'm on television) - and then i heard a door of an armored car slam...meaning i'll be rich (yanno armored car)...but i just let it bounce off my head (teflon mind, they call it in DBT)...tired of dreaming.

SONG: "If we took a holiday it would be so nice" cause i wish i had a holiday...even ON holidays i'm going thru stuff.

SONG: "I don't mean to sound degrading, but with a face like that you've got nothing to laugh about" (rod stewart) as in MY face...

COMMERCIAL - For some reason, it said to "stick a pencil in your mouth" which, i then could "feel" a pencil, even the sharpened tip, in my mouth...which morphed into a penis.

A DJ was talking about getting a "Massage Chair" for xmas that he's probably going to return....Exactly MY situation. I got a massage chair i'm thinking about returning myself.

Tuning around, i ran into a spanish station, and immediately heard them say "crazy"

"Giving you the best of my love" aimed at me.

SONG: "One of these nights, one of these crazy old nights, we're going to find out, pretty mama, what turns on your lights coming up behind you one of these nights" and, that night, they pretty much talk me into gay sex while masturbating as in "coming up behind you one of these nights"

Radio - "whatever makes you smile in the morning go for it" which to me means to keep smoking cigarettes because i REALLY look forward to that first cigarette in the morning.

TALK SHOWS - there is much less "signs" so i hide behind the morning talk shows."Good by Ruby TuesdayWho could hang a name on youwhen you change with every new dayStill i'm gonna miss you (as in, miss me when i die).

On the way to day treatment, within a block i saw a guy pushing a shopping cart ("you're going to be the one pushing one someday").

Three blocks later i turned my head to see three limousines, including a hummer. (again, you're going to be in a limo someday).

I saw Dr. Etchi (don't know the spelling) but, looking at him, his sharp appearance it suddenly occured to me "i like this guy." He just looks basically like a nice guy.

XXX EARLY FEBRUARYI’ve said this before and I’ll say it again…in this high tech world I actually THINK FOR A LIVING ! Someone is in a room somewhere watching what I’m doing. Or maybe a couple of people. And they don’t take vacations and they monitor me 24/7..Even my dreams, they are right there…P.S. it doesn’t pay very much but, yeah, I’m grateful to get what I get but….

On an outing I was sitting back and two old guys said “it’s a beautiful view” as if I’m beautiful.

My voices can make me feel stuff. Or NOT feel. Because sometimes I’m looking for something in my pocket and damn, it’s not there…then I KEEP ON feeling for it and zap, it’s there.

And they can control my (or other’s) sense of smell because sometimes, with a shower (daily) and clean clothes I feel like I smell bad, and people around me think so too, even though I’m like totally clean.

Walking to the clubhouse there was a girl carrying oxygen was there. THAT’s scary (I’m a chain smoker).

My voices control objects and stuff. If I drop or throw something it’ll take a weird bounce…keys, cell phone, radio, basketball. One time I was at a bank and I dropped a quarter and, whoa, it landed on edge.!!

And I think professional sports are being controlled to, for example, NFL, Baseball, and especially golf. I saw a radical shot yesterday, a guy hit the ball, it landed five feet from the hole, then did a 180 degree turn and rolled right the fuck into the hole. So when I saw that Tiger Woods won again…I just thought “this whole thing was controlled!” Really, taking nothing away from him but…

While climbing the steps (I do 1 and 1/ 2 hours a day of exercising that way) my voices made me bite my fucking tongue, drawing blood. The very tip. It made me think of slicing my tongue in two (that’s a current fad), like a snake..and I thought, I’m kind of like the devil.

We went to an outing (whale watching) and I ran through a bunch of people to take a piss. I was just thinking about this bathroom run because I was so focused on pissing, that I forgot all of the paranoia stuff. But after pissing I realized, yeah, they were right there. An old lady within earshot said “isn’t it beautiful?” and I thought, now I’m an “it.”

At the outing I saw a guy in my general vicinity with an expensive camera and I was in the shot for a second and thought “here’s the paparrazi’, LOL but then he changed the angle.

About the worst thing I heard on this outing was someone said “you don’t have to wipe out the whole family” and that made me scared to death…Oh, then someone said “it’s doable”.

A guy said “keep your balance” and it meant to hang on, the very edge, balancing, like on a tightrope…don’t get too happy, don’t get too stressed, stay right on the edge.” Then someone said “absolutely right.” (about the edge deal).

Yeah, they always tell me they are going to make me move, it’s a bitch, but there’s a commercial that says “don’t move, improve” so I’ll go with that…

I forget where, but I saw a guy that looked like my dad (a threat to him) and then a girl who looked like a girl I knew at program.

I was reading the newspaper and I saw the word “document” which morphed to “demented.”

A neighbor has a dog and she was a sign on the door that says “beware of dog” and I felt like it meant me, I’m the dog.

Yanno, whenever I see a U Haul truck I feel like it means I’ll have to move which, of course, I don’t want to do. But I was watching Howard Stern’s movie “Private Parts” I noticed every time he moved he used U Haul trucks. So, I’m trying to, instead of thinking about moving when I see a u haul, trying to think about Howard Stern.

This is totally fucked. I was looking at a picture of my daughter and my voices threw in this: “I’d love to see her in a bikini” Just out of control.

Out of nowhere my voices told me I have two other children, what a load of crap.

I saw a truck that said on it “Miramar” and backwards it meant, “ramarim” which meant gay sex…Ram a Rim.

Sonny Bono died of a skiing accident. I don’t think it’s my fault, but I DO think a “force” controlled the situation.

Radio keeps talking about housecleaning and that hits home because section 8 is coming to inspect, so it’s gotta be clean.

RADIO“When the levee breaks there’ll be no place to stay” and New Orlean’s levee broke and they kind of half-assed told me it was my fault. Like a damn hurricane is my fault!

“Together forever yours, Together forever mine, facing what you feel inside (like gay sex, they force it to me when I masturbate), ready to stand the test of time.”

"I still haven't found what i'm looking for" (then a car honked) It concerns my girlfriend (as if i still haven't found what i'm looking for)

"Are you a machine or a being?" (radio said this)...and i thought, i'm a human being controlled by a machine.

“Every little step I take, you will be there.”

A song said “say goodbye” like ten times, meaning to say good bye to my girlfriend Melinda.

I listen to talk radio shows. The paranoia is much less than changing channels and listening to songs where the lyrics are talking to me. If there’s a long commercial, I can tune around and all of the songs pertain to me. And if I get a message, sometimes I’ll change the channel and the next station will finish the message.

“Look around, everywhere is heartbreak, it’s everywhere that you go. You try anything to escape the pain of life that you know.”

Hotel California: “You can check out any time you like but you can never leave” Like I can never leave (life). Like they’ll keep me alive…

Bruce Springsteen’s song – “everybodies got a hungry heart” like my heart is hungry for a new girl…then the song goes “We fell in love I knew it had to end” (concerning Melinda)…then the radio said “that might be the best thing.” Then a different station said “absolutely.”

Concerning Melinda: (American Woman) “You’re no good for me, I’m no good for you, gonna look you right in the eye, tell you what I’m gonna do, you know I’m going to leave, you know I’m gonna go….I’ve got better things to do, then spend my time growing old with you American Woman” I swear that I don’t want another girl!!

LOLA – “Girl’s can be boys, boys can be girls, it’s a mixed up jumbled up, shook up world except Lola. Because I feel kinda chickish…

Then “are you ready for love?” as in a new girlfriend.“Waiting for cupid” as if “cupid” is going to deliver me to a new chick…which, I DON’T WANT a new chick sent my way, I’m more than happy with my current girlfriend, Melinda.

Kenny Rogers:“You ask how I look and I said “you look wonderful tonight.”

Sometimes even the talk shows can get hairy. I tuned into one and they had on a guy named Dan (not a coincidence!) and they talked about masturbating while having sex. And, 20 years ago i was with a guy sexually and he told me to masturbate while doing you know what. Like the caller said, masturbating while having sex. I've said it before, but i wouldn't have gay sex until my voices beat me the fuck down til i had nowhere else to go. I turned down guys, lived in cars and stuff before i gave up.

“I remember finding out about you, every day, my mind is all about you”

“You’re the object of my desire, hey you really turn me on” (voices talking to me, as if they actually liked me and I turn them on sexually…they can turn me on sexually and damn, they already know if I’ll be having sex tonight. Masturbating or anything…

“The future’s uncertain and the end is always nearI woke up this morning and I got myself a beer”

This reminds me of an ex g/f who would get up in the morning and walk to the liquor store and buy a beer and I thought that was so cool.

On the radio they said “history repeats itself” and I was instantly worried about being homeless, again.

I was buttoning a shirt and I heard a horn so I’m thinking, “what does THAT mean?” so it morphed into “No butt” as if I have a great ass….then a second thought, there is a telephone number called something like 1 800 NO BUTTS so maybe it means I’ll be able to quit smoking. Por favor !!!

Yeah, I like listening to talk shows on the radio. All the other channels are "talking" to me, the lyrics of the songs. Because the radio is waiting for me, ready to send me messages. I listen to talk shows from 6am 10am…then afterwards, I’ll listen to one that goes til 2pm although I don’t listen to the this one too much. Basically I listen to “messages” when I get to Day Treatment…listening to the radio talk to me…then when it gets tough I go to the talk show (hiding) or go to cassette tapes (also hiding). Like I said, I had been listening to my MP3 radio and basically hiding all day…but they broke it and I got the message: They wanted to send me messages...Because with the MP3 I’d listen to it all day…also hiding. I thought, by listening to the MP3 I would save them a WHO LOTTA TROUBLE, yanno, making messages all the time. Oh well…

My doctor recommends shock treatment. We talked about it today and i'm real close to going there. The radio said "we're going to miss you"...I really am considering it...

In order to make this as true as possible i wanted to mention, i've been dating my stuff about 1/2 a month in advance. Kind of like a magazine, you get Marchs magazine in February. So i've been doing this for about 4 months. Just to make this as perfect and true as possible. So if i do this on January 30th, i date it mid-february. Kind of making each one fresher, if yanno what i mean.

ANYWAYS! The radio said to me "clean as a whistle" which i took to mean sexually i'm clean.

Oh the radio got "mean" today and i turned on a tape. Damn, the tape jammed (courtesy of my “voices”...and i was real scared thinking i was going to have to listen to bad stuff...if nothing else i could turn off the radio but then, damn, i'd hear songs directly in my fucking head. So i tried to fix the tape a coupla times and finally gave up on the tape. I was glad to find the radio right there, but not mean. Whew!

Often when i hear bad stuff, in order to get my focus off the bad things, i think of being touched in the booty...I didn't do this for a day or so, then i got a bad sign and instantly did this and my voices said, "we were waiting for that all day." And, just now, I had channel 8 news on in the background (when i was typing this) and the news chick said "Very interesting." (concerning the booty thing).

Sometimes in group i get the "pinky" thing. I feel like my voices are doing this for the benefit of mental health workers. Like they are doing this to prove i'm crazy. So now, i try my hardest to hide this thing. Often i will hide it under the table.

XXX MID FEBRUARYI had a dream that I was in a bathroom. There were 16 stalls. Every one of them was totally clogged up, crap piled almost to the lids. God the stench was horrible! And, damn, I had to go to the bathroom and there were no more restrooms anywhere to go.. So I had to urinate on top of doodie, OMG! Even in my dream I almost threw up. So fucking disgusting I tell ya. All of this controlled by my voices…

RADIO“That is why all the girls in, girls in town, follow you, all around.Just like me, they long to be close to you” Wishful thinking… and B.S flattery.

“It’s a family affair, it’s a family affair” “remember the days when we were down and out?” (when I was homeless), the song seemed kind of soothing…kind of makes me look back, and remember stuff. ALSO, like they are saying they aren’t going to make it happen again. But sometimes they say they will make it happen again… Kind of like when I see shopping carts, it’s a sign that I will be pushing one someday…damn.

“When you’re out in the club, don’t think I’m not,when you’re out making love don’t think I’m not”which makes me think Melinda isn’t being faithful occasionally, in her thoughts…because, I flirt and I’m sure she flirts too. But when I comes down to it I’m just fine with her.

On Adam Carolla’s talk show they sang (Instead of “we will we will rock you” )They sang this version, WHICH I KNOW IT WAS DIRECTED AT ME:He’s a flaming homo!He’s a flaming homo!

Also, a DJ was talking about “Your horrible, miserable life”

And, hearing more gay stuff all over the place I heard a “ton” of sirens…the sirens are there just to punctuate the gay stuff on the radio.

Monday 3rd - I thought about TRYING to give up smoking but I just couldn’t do it, the pinky thing acting up…and either the radio OR the voices (don’t remember which) called me a “wimp” because I didn’t give it a shot.

And just because I get a “quit smoking” sign doesn’t they are going to help me quit. A coupla months ago I was in kmart looking for a lighter, and they didn’t have them. And some lady shopper said “that’s a sign to quit smoking”…if it were I would have been able to quit no problem at all.

FUCKING AOn February 6 I went through a “drop stuff” phase. Every fucking thing I picked up I dropped. Razor, cell phone, soap, pen. Pick keys up, drop it, pick It up…sometimes 3 damn times in a row. Drop my bag, pick it up…everything I could conceivably pick up I would drop, maybe 3 times in a row. A real sonofabitch situation.

A lady walking by me said “working today?” and I thought I WORK EVERY FUCKING DAY 24/7. All of the day and all of the night. Because every waking hour I have to try to have “good thoughts”, and my voices even control my dreams, where I have to be have good thoughts.

ANYWAYS!I purposely turn on the radio to get messages because if I rely on listening to my MP3 player they have a habit of wrecking it. So when I get to program I listen to the radio until it gets bad (which it always does) and go to tape. Then, after 20 minutes I can go back to the radio and it will usually be ok again. I just can’t use the mp3 player all the time, no matter how comforting it is, because they’ll break it.

Radio or voices, I’m not sure which but I got this sign “You wouldn’t believe how far it’s gone.”

FORCE ⇓ PUT THIS IN THE BEGINNING AREA OF THE BOOK

ForceThis country has created a “force” much like in Star Wars and here is something you won’t hear anywhere else…I am 90 percent certain that any missile attack can be diverted when the missile is within 5 feet after launch. Because I figure, if they can control me from satellites, they can control missiles. As in, I don’t think they’d waste their time on me unless they had ever other thing covered…

PSYCHIC NETWORKA network which covers, all FM stations and MY BRAIN. And the radio stations give me signs and respond to my brain.

Chinese ParadeI saw this BEAUTIFUL chick at the parade and i had an almost overwhelming desire to pinch her butt. I would NEVER do it, not even if paid me, but she was fine...

XXX LATE FEBRUARY 2006This is a bitch but I saw a headline in the newspaper that gives you an estimate if you’ll die within four years – a direct sign to me.

Once again, I wonder if my life is being “recorded” on DVD…Videocassette, or hard drive. Because they can “see” my life through my very eyes. In other words, what I see, THEY see. And is the medium they are using being kept in a safe cool environment that doesn’t deteriorate?

In the van on the way home, there was a UPS truck next to us and this caught my eye…”world-wide” as if my life IS actually world wide…which, I have to see, I really think it is! Basically, “The Truman Show” in real life.

OMG, I was walking by my apartment when I saw two HUGE buses, kind of like what a rock star would be in…and they were in the middle of the street, as close to my apartment as they could be. The driver must have been 10 feet off the ground. Like I said, it was directly across from my apartment…and they hung around for 10 minutes before they took off…what a sign!…a good sign. Because, in my life I’m surrounded by homeless people (like I’m going to be homeless) and limos (like I’m going to be in one). This is kind of like the “limo” sign to the 3rd power…a good sign.

I saw a license plate that said “SR FREE”…meaning?suffersurferfreeze (my brain)soar free (I like this one the best)

Well, that’s what I came up with…

Way back in 1986 I hitched a ride and ended up in San Clemente. Stupid as hell, but I thought I was going to go through a great adventure (like Pee Wee Herman had in “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”).

ANYWAYSSo I ended up in San Clemente and I saw a shopping cart. Then I thought, Shopping Cart Pushed Over…SCPO…which meant “San Clemente (is) Pissed Off.

SOYesterday I forgot my headphones. I was really scared because I was worried about hearing voices in my head. Because, with my radio I can at least choose the music. I ended up having to “think” songs in my head. Kind of a bitch.

I was stuck. Start walking the steps (for my exercise) or go to kmart and buy some headphones, and lose step time. I decided to do the steps.

While doing the steps I heard a song (in my head) that said “dancing with myself” which is meaningful to me cause when I go to dances I like dancing by myself. It was so clear, too.

At noon they played in my head “rock the boat, don’t rock the boat baby, rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over” at least they played a song I liked.

I saw a guy pushing a shopping cart over by clubhouse…and I began getting worried, it seemed to be a sign that I’ll be homeless. But then a girl laughed which means “it’s a silly thought.” So I felt a little better.

I was walking down to clubhouse from OPS and I accidentally walked into a tree branch that swept over my neck…kind of like a “CMH” moment…a “Cut My Head” sign

CBS NEWS (A good sign!) “if we keep them safe in the house, that’s the best way” meaning they want to keep me safe and in my house.

RADIO“It’s unpredictable, but in the end, I hope you have the time of your life.” Soothing.

DJ said “we all know you’re not gay”…thanks! I appreciate the sentiment.

DJ - “every guy is chickish in a way, and every girl is manly in a way.”

“You’re such a lucky guy to have a girl like her” (yay! Meaning Melinda)

“Is it hot in here or is it just you?” flattery as if I’m hot.

“after Monday it’s all over (wishful thinking!)

“I want to be with you Night And Day (NAD…which morphs to DAN) The final meeting?” I want to be with you night and day DAN , I want to be with you night and day, Dan.

“everywhere you turn there’s an obstacle to be found.”

The radio got “gay” for quite awhile and I ended up fantasizing about going to a gay AA meeting place. Just for a couple of seconds.

Radio called me a teenage boy “there’s a little boy inside of you.”

DAMN! A girl DJ (talk show chick) dreampt she humped her dad. And for like three seconds I thought of my daughter! OMG I am soooo sick, but I wouldn’t have had this damn fault without prodding from the radio….

Lately I’ve been listening to talk shows (wherever possible) so that I can escape from listening to lyrics talking to me in songs. Kind of like a way to hide from the radio.

A couple of days ago my voices “pooh poohed” that the radio is talking to me. But you KNOW it is…usually it’s a sign here, a sign there…THEN at other times the "signs" are coming at me superfast...and in, i dunno, 15 minutes i have a whole page worth of stuff.

At other times it gets really INTENSE and i have to listen to tapes (or possibly talk shows)...I may be creative but i couldn't come up with the stuff they throw at me...so...

RADIO“Take my hand and we’ll make it I swear, living on a prayer” (yanno I had a prayer said for my daughter beforehand the song, so it was pithy when they said “Living on a prayer” after having prayed for my daughter…

DAMN, a new song by Garth Brooks…”I cross my heart” CMH (the “cut my head stuff)…and “I cross my heart” which generally means it’s a promise. So it’s like CMH - Promise

Also on Sunday, a homeless guy with a shopping cart came by a dumpster (again!)…so I was writing this blurb down when I heard laughter from a TV newscaster…meaning “silly thought”…

“I feel for you and I love you”

THE DREAM POLICE “cause they are waiting for me, they’re listening to me, every day and night, they’re driving me insane, those men inside my brain”

(it continues) “the dream police they live in side of my headthe dream police they come to me in my bed”

I don’t remember…is this a commercial or a DJ talking? Anyway it said “don’t you worry about a thing”

“Come a little closer”….then I “saw” a cowboy laying in bed, motioning me to get in bed with him. My own Brokeback Moutain moment (yanno, the movie about gay cowboys)

Sometimes the radio, with it’s lyrics talking to me can get so INTENSE that I GOTTA switch to tapes….and sometimes I’m just afraid to listen to the radio.

For a couple of seconds my voices gave me a ride in a Humvee in Iraq…but it was just in the shadows and I didn’t see any details….

“you just keep me hanging on…set me free, get out of my life…you don’t care a thing about me, you don’t really love me, you’re just using me”It’s weird but my voices played this song for me, actually saying what I really feel about them

DJ said “self hating homosexual”…which I kind of am, because when I masturbate there’s a guy inside of me (in more ways than one) and I hate it. In my booty and in my head.

RADIO“Are you feeling it?” (I felt it in my booty immediately)….

“You can’t always get what you want, sometimes you find, you get what you need” – meaning, I’m never gonna be rich (the book crap), but I’ll get social security (“get what you need”)

On a talk show they took a call from a guy named “Johnnie” and, EXACTLY when this happened I saw “Johnnie” from day treatment…the exact same moment….

STINKY DAYI was a stinky boy on Monday…I drink this green tea that makes you go to the bathroom once a day. But I had also ate a lot fiber and the result was I was going number two but it was pure liquid….just pouring out….spashing my booty too…

Anyways, I did the TP deal, and it was super clean, but like I said I splashed a whole lot….

The next day I heard this song:“oooh that smell, can’t you smell that smell, the smell that surrounds you”

THE RESULT? Stinky day!

Damn! I was doing the steps and some guy nearby bent over and I looked at his booty for a second!

RADIO TOO INTENSETwice today (Thursday, feb 23) the radio got just too intense so I went to tapes…I couldn’t find a talk show…

COMMERCIAL – “We’ll make your life a whole lot better”

I haven’t seem my chick in three days…the radio said “seems like a mighty long time”

TWO BAD SIGNSFirst I saw a guy at day treatment and he had his hand around his back…it made me think of a family member who was in a motorcycle accident and has a bad left arm.

I’ve broken my right leg twice. Now I keep seeing a guy on crutches and I worry I’m going to break my leg again….As soon as a saw him today, the radio said “future.” (as if I’m going to break my leg again)

ANYWAY!I’m kind of worried that my manager won’t renew my lease in May. And I’ve fantasized that, if they do, I’m going to go out and buy some new clothes…SO, there’s a commercial that says “expect great things”….(as if renewing my lease)…and the big thing, It’s a Kohl’s (clothing store). So they are saying to expect the lease to go through, and go out and buy some clothes.

This is scary, but my cousin and I were talking about hunting, about three days before the vice president’s hunting accident!

I read in the newspaper about a “happy death” and I was wishing for that…then the radio said “not true”…I think it was “trust me but it’s not true.”

EARLY MARCHRADIO (this is a threat) “We are family, I’ve got all my sisters with me”

Radio said – “God your filthy!”

First song when coming on the van last week was “you’re an evil woman, evil woman”.

I avoid CBS news at night worrying I’ll get signs..and when I was writing this down this very thought the DJ said “shut up, shut up” (not in a serious way, but joking around.)

“It’s gonna be a bright, sunshiny day…the rain is gone I can see obstacles in my way” this seems to be a kind of optimistic sounding.

One time, immediately turning on the radio it said “change the channel.”

Damn, even a talk show got negative, fortunately, when I changed the station to music, it went well. Like I’ve said, I hide from my voices by listening to talk shows instead of listening to music, because the music “talks” to me via song lyrics and talk shows rarely give me signs, but yeah they do too, occasionally.

And I’ve been thinking of a certain girl and the radio said “it’s a crush, just like all the others it’ll go away.”

“Change your life, it’s up to you” then I heard a car honk…as if I CAN change my life…but it’s just more of the same.

Pinky finger (the kin dealie) “you can turn that switch off yourself” (meaning, they are saying I have control of my finger.) another frickin’ lie.

TALK SHOW – One time this got a tad boring so I started to change the channel but, knowing the lyrics would be giving me signs, I QUICKLY turned back to the talk show.

“It’ll be a happy ending” (my death)…I hope so…

“Free at last…you are free!” I said, WHAT?

I saw a comedy bumper sticker, it was something like “work is for people who (but I couldn’t read the word but I filled it in, in my thoughts…”work is for people who don’t have MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF VOICES” Like I’ve said before I feel like my voices are “Mission Control.”

Commercial – a young girl (my daughter’s age) talking about taking something for migraines, a threat to my daughter…don’t even want to ask her…

There’s a big supply of Reader’s Digest (at OPS), and if I grab one randomly (out of 15), I get “visual hallucinations”, basically, no matter which one I take, what page I turn, it’s aimed at me. Like, they will make me “see” stuff that isn’t there, and it’s all related to me… If I grabbed one, they make me see “visual hallucinations” – I see what they want me to see. Hope you can figure this one out…whichever one I pull, I automatically see predetermined stuff… whatever….

If I die, I’m wondering if I’ll “survive” and if I do will it just be more of the same?

Guess what, in my mind, I “saw” John Ritter’s head…

OUTING TO MIRAMARImmediately upon arriving someone said “this will be your lucky day”. But it wasn’t particularly true…It was a lie…thinking about it, my voices lie a lot…

Looked at my watch during the outing, and it said “11:44” which in police codes means “death, or report of death”. Bad sign.

JET – one of them had “LC” on it which means “lung cancer”…on the other hand, there was one that said ‘WL” which has always meant “WELL”…

HOWARD STERNI have two things in common with Stern: I never mess around on my chick, and nothing is too private to put into print…

While doing the steps a couple days ago I became short of breath…then I heard dramatic music…supposedly giving me the message to stop smoking right now. I thought this would scare me off cigarettes but no. IF my voices wanted to help me quit they could completely lay off the “pinky” and I’d be able to quit….

TWO TRUCKAt the bottom of the steps last week there was a tow truck loading up a car. I was worried about my cousin’s car, yanno, breaking down…then I noticed it was an older car and, to me, that meant, if I get a car it’s going to break down a lot…

I saw a car driving down the street and my voices said “new car” as if I’ll be getting a new car…

Damn the TV started talking to me on Wednesday, March first. For over 30 minutes, and for some reason I didn’t change the channel, thinking it’d go away. Finally I put on a recorded show (Becker) and it calmed down. Those guys are like my best friends (on the show).

Worrying about being homeless, my voices said “don’t stress ho”

GAY THOUGHTS – When things go bad they’ve trained me to think of gay sex…like, if I start worrying about my apartment (having to move) I instantly start thinking nasty thoughts to counter it…like if i do gay stuff they'll let me stay. I mean, i perform fellatio occasionally which i can do no matter where i am...like I said, I only do it to remain in my apartment.

Again i saw the UPS (world wide) truck as if i'm "world wide".

They've got a movie called "Brokeback Mountain" and it makes me feel like maybe i'll break my back. On the other hand, i can never look at a cowboy in the same way.

MASTURBATION - they use my own hands to do this to myself..My hand is their hand....and it's incredible but my OWN MOUTH starts saying gay stuff...My own damn mouth.

Radio said "brace yourself for something bad" and i worried about my daughter...and immediately the dj's had a collective groan...kind of a good sign i guess.

COMMERCIAL - "you can do it, we can help" meaning one of these things: a) suicide b) quit smoking c) succeed in my fucking book

RADIO talking about polygamy....they talked about 4 wives and called the guy "king" which is their pet name for ME, (King) and i got a chuckle out of that one.

COMPUTER STUFF: in google news i saw an article that said "you are being shadowed". which made me think of the FBI, maybe the CIA?

Ambulance at day treatment...it said "care" on the side...i figured either they "care" about me (good sign) or they want me to go to a board and care (bad sign).

Another ambulance said "balboa" which made me think of sleeping in balboa park (homeless).

TV MUSIC VIDEO - "You want it all but you can't have it, it's in your face but you can't grab it" (1986 - i'm looking at tv and it's telling me this message...kind of like "nyah nyah nyah)

RADIO said "it's cancer, just a brain tumor" (i'm worried about that, my mind being read for 30 years with radiation, the effects of long term radiation).

With input from my voices, just for a second i thought of getting a manicure - nails, polish and stuff, just for a second...and my voices said "GOLD".

Don't know why but when i go to bayview outings with 15 people i can handle it (tho yeah i do have some stuff) but when i go shopping with my cousin it's 80 percent horrible...when we get to a shopping center i'm like..."here goes another public appearance" and it's almost always bad...

SHOPPING (last time) the minute i walked into each store on our latest shopping trip, things got fucked from entrance to exit...too much to write but it was just horrible. It was wall to wall and i was squirming in my shoes, don't know why but it just was. I HATE SHOPPING OUTINGS.

It occured to me...with the right mixture of voices and other input they could make me gay...

RADIO - "deep in my heart i abhor you"

SATURDAY - the radio got mean and i went to tapes which went sarcastic. Didn’t know WHAT to do here…

BAD SIGNS - they've kind of changed...basically they give me a REAL BAD sign every 30 minutes, enough to wear you down (when i recorded this on my digital recorder i immediately heard a car alarm go off to punctuate the message).

Occasionally i feel a ring around my neck (CMH - cut my head stuff).

I like this one: "I've got a song it ain't got no melody, let the bad guy win every once in awhile" as if i'm the bad guy.

Yanno what i like? I like a song that is soooo good that i like it just for itself and i don't perceive any signs at all...

RADIO - happy ending: which means a quick/painless death.

RADIO (again) the DJ said a “thousand pricks” and yanno, I fucking a SAW a ton of pricks and when that happened i heard a collective groan from the DJs.

There’s a song which says "everybody wants you" which would be cool.

another song says: "We aren't getting any younger" which is true but why do i have to waste all these days doing this bullshit?

RADIO - "not like a job but like an adventure" (not an adventure that any one would want.)

TV - "You are going to like the way you look, i guarantee it."

I'm trying to get my beard styled, and it's going to be done with a straight edge razor blade...then i heard this song "cut you like a knife."

With this beard I keep seeing people with beards with just a little more than i have, then a bit more, and then a little bit more...They want to show me what it will look like in various stages. And I REALLY want to get it sculpted.

Oh today, march 7 i saw a shiny red truck park over by PHP and, just for the heck of it, i jumbled it up and got "RED TRUCK" = "CAR TRUE" (like it's true i'll get a car).

I thought, what if life after death was GOOD? and i immediately heard a honk (again, puncuating the thought.)

While surfing the radio i tuned in just in time to hear a DJ say "a few years" as if that's how long I’ve got left...

Today even the talk show was getting mean as it occasionally does. Then I went to tape and IT was mean, too.

RADIO - "put it in your butt" and i thought, “i'm tired of doing this aren't you guys getting tired of screwing me? to which they said "NO, it's GOLD.”

I got bad sign after bad sign after bad sign for awhile and i said "you guys are horrible" to which they said "that's our job."

TALK SHOW - they talked about a guy named steve who was in a coma and he heard a myriad of voices which ended up saying "don't worry steve everything's going to be alright" So i'm wondering if the after life is good?

GOOD SIGN? I opened the paper to a headline that said "NOT BURNING OUT BUT FADING AWAY" so THAT sounds good...

Z-1 LATE MARCH

The other day my voices were making me horny (yeah, with the right “electronics” they can do it). Then I heard “Let’s get started now” (like, start masturbating) Not sure if it was TV or the radio…

I remember one time I woke up thinking, “someone is in my mind” and it makes you so weary, just so weary…

I’m always afraid of losing my Section 8 apartment and then I heard a Toyota commercial that said “moving forward.”

Saw a cartoon and there was a homeless guy, like Italian gansters, with a sign that said “will whack for food” which meant to me, “will whack off for food” as in masturbation.

Bad sign at the mall. I saw a person who looked like a family member who was in a motorcycle accident and his left arm is useless, so, yeah, a very bad sign.

What timing, also at the mall, upon arriving it started to hail real good…and there was a police car…when I see a police car I think “Police” which goes to “Lop ice” which means, “lop” lop my head off and put it in “ice.” And just to puncuate the message is I’m standing in a pile of ice (hail). I’m wondering if maybe they made it hail or what, because the coincidence is mind-boggling.

Going through the mall at times people were reading my mind and, usually laughing at the thoughts.

So I’m going through the mall and my eye caught a beautiful chick and immediately I heard a buzzer go off. I think it was the carousel.

I saw a banner for a movie called “Aqua Marine” and it meant, to me, a “Queer Marine”. Don’t ask, don’t tell, I guess.

I’ve come up with a term, a hallucination…”Smell Hallucinations” I feel like my voices can make me smell bad at times, I mean I shower every morning so….

My “shopping” outing on March 10 was unusually good. Thankfully I was with Melinda and that helped out but I CAN’T COUNT ON THAT THE NEXT TIME.

Well they were “screwing” me (I can be walking, sitting or whatever) and I said, “aren’t you getting tired of screwing me?” and I heard a sexual grunt.

Good commercial, it was a hospital and it said “we’re all behind you, live long and thrive.”

RADIO – (as if I’m talking) “make me do right, or make me do wrong, I’m your puppet.”

Another song: “The future is open wide” (sexually that rocks).

John Lennon song “Imagine” – what I don’t like is he has a lyric that says “can you imagine no possessions?” which makes me think about being homeless…

As for the radio, sometimes I get a sign here, a sign there…then at other times they can makes signs so quick that I fill up a page in an hour or less.

TRUMAN SHOW – they decided not to kill Truman “on camera” but my voices will have no qualms about killing ME on camera. As I said, I’m 24 hour reality show; whatever I see they see. I mean, I think they have a room somewhere with a bunch of people watching...

Again, I know they can blow holes through clouds, I think they can block rain and I’m still not sure if they can control wind.

Once, a couple of days ago an 18 year old chick kissed me on the cheek (cyber kiss, not a real person) and I “said” (as in “thought”) “make her 26 years or so.”

Had a temporary back ache…worried about breaking my back (because of the show, “brokerback”) but it did help my posture, yanno, making me sit up straight for awhile.

Helicopters mean “CMH “ (cut my head, as in Chopper), and while i was actually typing this some guy on TV said "No bull") anyways, they said they would either put my brain in ice, or just keeping me alive, not sure about either one. But, anyways, I saw three helicopters in 45 minutes, one by one, screwing up with me.

Later on I saw a GIANT helicopter, real damn scary…but I just looked up and waved….but I was scared inside…

MADONNA: My voices tried to make me have a dialog with Madonna again but I just didn’t fall for it. I was a sap last time because I believed it…

UPDATE on the “pinky” thing…as I said, it’s a threat to my family…anyways, I have to deal with it sporadically at day treatment (mainly in groups), and every day (during the trip into Bayview) and when I read the newspaper, and every night when going to bed.

What I DO have to deal with is anxiety, stress, radio (and sometimes the TV) talking to me, “smell” hallucinations. And 90% of the time I feel followed on my grocery shopping outing which I NEVER look forward to. And saw a newpaper article on “micro” cameras and immediately thought about searching for one…then the RADIO talked about micro cameras, so this was a double sign…I’m thinking, maybe word got out that the radio is talking to me, and the FBI or CIA wants to get in on the action. I mean, even the Beatles were followed or something, weren’t they?

GOOGLE: I saw an article with the headline “you are being shadowed” so…

I went to a trip to Washington D.C. and we actually drove by the exit for the CIA, and I just smiled and waved.

My voices insinuated that I masturbate with a new guy every day.

AGAIN, I think my mind is being read by satellite…

TV “Hour of Power” (television church)…well I watch this virtually every Sunday…but this can backfire, because in the show they said “intimacy with God.” My voices have me referring to them as a god, and this “sign” made me think of being intimate with god, meaning, sexual, yanno, intimacy. Not the REAL god, but just my voices…

On the other hand, on the same show, they were singing a song which went “He shalt not be moved” as if I won’t have to move…

I was walking on the sidwalk and it was wet…when I stepped on the wet part, I heard a siren and I thought “Walk On Water” (walk on wet steps) like Jesus did in the bible.

Again, I give my voices (at times) “electronic” blow jobs, to hopefully be able to stay in my apartment, better safe than sorry…

SABEN: we were talking and I felt like he “hinted” that I should dress better but I just don’t have the money.

Tuesday (March 14) I kind of obsessed over moving out of my apartment and I was like planning the whole thing then I heard a girl laugh, almost hysterically, which, when that happens means I’m having a silly thought. But they can say the exact opposite thing, next time.

U HAUL TRUCK (which ALWAYS MEANS TO MOVE) was parked close to my apartment…and I saw the truck and quickly saw a headline (in the newspaper) that said “Your worries are overblown.” Sounds good, but what’s the NEXT sign?

NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR – I heard my neighbor by the door and he was talking to someone but I felt it was aimed at me because he said “Don’t move.”

A family member was in a motorcycle crash and now his left arm is useless…well I saw someone on the steps with his arm in a certain position that looked like I he was missing an arm…so i thought of him and it was a terrible sign…

I have a Stanley cup that I drink coffee out of at day treatment, and in a choreographed situation, I dropped the top and later, noticing that I lost it, I looked for it and found it in the road. It had been run over, but when I tested it, it tightened up better than it ever did! Carefully choreographed, I KNOW they planned this because one time, early on, I needed to wash my hair. Well, there was a hose running across the street. A vehicle drove over it and, broke it, and it began spraying in the air and, voila’, I washed my hair!

About 50% of the time, going to Long’s Drugs is a bitch. If I’m with a caravan generally it’s better. Well, one time I was with “Jennifer” and, OF COURSE, we ran into a homeless guy (again, as I’m IF going to be homeless)…On the way back Jennifer said, “so far so good” and we turned a corner and there was ANOTHER homeless guy… To which she said “we spoke too soon.”

Anyways! So I don’t go to lunch at the cafeteria because I feel like people are laughing at my eating…because I eat real fast.

DAMN! In the newspaper they talked about the “now defunct STAR WARS program”and I thought, B. S., it’s right the fuck here. I mean, reading minds, come on? And I’m thinking will I live (like in the movie) when I die? So STAR WARS is 100 percent in effect….

And, like I said before, I’m betting that we can take out missiles five seconds after launch…I really believe this…

TV IS GETTING NEGATIVE TODAY (while reading the newspaper) so I just read the paper in silence…

My fucking pinky thing is acting up, what a bitch…

RADIOA talk show was thinking about an amnesiac…which reminds me of shock treatment…..i hope this doesn’t come back to haunt me but I want to be an amnesiac…Maybe I SHOULD get shock treatment…

Tuesday…I was listening to a talk show and it ended at noon….i was scared because that is how I hide from the radio…I think I went to tapes, I forget…

SONG: “I can have it all, I can really have it all” B.S.??

One of their favorite songs about me: “Dude looks like a lady”

Another one: “Go ahead and jump! Might as well jump! (suicide song)

Radio said “I believe in miracles” and I like this because I often say “I need a miracle!”

A talk show I’ve been listening to, because it generally has less signs, got negative today…

SONG: “let me see you move, move move – as if I’m going to have to move…

Tuesday, there was a contest called “Who is going to go to hell?” (which my voices tell me that I am…)

A commercial for computer training, when I heard it, it sounded like “get trimmed (as in my beard).

COMMERCIAL: “Free is what you are right now…”Free at last, free at last” basically the Ultimate Irony…

Another commercial: “You are going to get your shot at wealth and fame” It’s just WISHFUL THINKING

I keep hearing a commercial concerning a BMW, as If I’m going to be in one…what happened was, years ago, I wet my bed…and WMB (wet my bed) backwards is “BMW” but I’m sure it’s just another lie, I’ve had enough of them anyway.

COMMERCIAL: “We’ll make your life a whole lot better”

I don’t even know if this was the TV or radio, but the message I got was “you want to feel dominated” like I want to be dominated….and sometimes I DO.

I was listening to the radio and it said “it’s all been a pack of lies” and IMMEDIATELY I saw a shopping cart The message is “being homeless is all a pack of lies.”

“I don’t mind your hanging out and talking in your sleep” which is salient because I KNOW I talk in my sleep…that makes me FIGHT AND FIGHT to keep good thoughts all day because once they get a bad thought, they make me dream about it, for hours, (or so they tell me).

Been here done that, but I heard a song that said “N A S T Y I want to bring out the freak in you”

John Lennon: “there will be an answer” but it kind of sounded like “your hair is tangled”

“Get ready for the grand opening!” which makes me think of sex.

Talk show, when going off the air, said “We love your show”

I hear this a lot “this will be the day that I die” which turned out to be wrong, but if they keep doing it they’ll eventually be right.

Z-2 COMING UP ON APRIL

First of all my finger was acting up while on the van...and, as always, while i read the paper, and when going to bed. And, again i'm wondering if there are cameras in my house but my voices told me i would never find them.

SONG: "It's all clear, you were meant to be here" (meaning Bayview).

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESSI've decided to do a stream of conciousness test...here goes"

On the steps i saw a thin guy and wished I was thin...

There was cat food in the middle of the steps that i had to walk around. It kind of bugged me and i thought "they could put cat food on the side of the sidewalk, the cats would find it anyway...

While on the steps a guy walked by me talking to himself. He sat on the bench and it kind of scared me.

Yay! the guy left...

I noticed two big fat people and said to myself, "hey you're not the thinnest person in the world yourself."

I have a digital voice recorder..when i think of stuff i press a button and talk. My voices made me drop it. Damn because i NEED it, my productivity sky rockets with it.

Cat food is still there pissing me off, gotta walk around it.

Am i being passive-aggressive? Because when people walk by me on the steps, i immediately get way out of the way so i don't have to have a conflict on the steps...no skin off my back.

Dropped my recorder (again!) what a bitch...from now on i'm going to be WAY more careful putting it in my pocket...yeah, they made this happen. the drop was choreographed (dropping the recorder)…what a bitch…

On the steps i'm wondering if OPS is done with breakfast so that i can get ready to go to group?

Hate the cat food, (still).

Doing the steps...i'm going to go up for coffee the next time i reach the top. Coffee helps me smoke a little less...

Got the coffee. It took one minute.

Voices made me forget how long i've been doing the steps (I do 1 hour and 30 minutes a day) but, thinking about it, i figured it out.

I'm thinking of my recorder. Will the batteries hold up? then i remember I changed the batteries yesterday.

On the steps i'm thinking about the sprinkles on the sidewalk. It came from my coffee cup. So i stepped on a wet patch and my voices said "Walk On Water" like Jesus. They’ve said this a couple of times before.

I need more coffee but i don't know if there'll be any left but i'm going to check.

I was on the steps thinking "how long have i gone?" But you don't to check your watch and get bummed that it isn't as long as you thought.

This occured to me and i thought i should mention this but my voices can make me do typos. Because once i was writing "FATHER'S" and it came out "FAG (her’s)".

Looking at the view from the steps i saw a motorcycle and it made me think of a gay guy named "bill" who let me live at his house. Because he had a motorcycle. And, yeah he took naughty pictures of me.

Now my voices are telling me to listen to the radio (and get messages)..."Listen to the radio, 100%"

Saying, "get messages and put it on your recorder"

NOW, while writing this they are saying "No" Then they are saying yes,,,,then they are saying no a second later.

So i don't know what to do...I think i'll just watch the world for awhile and get messages that way...

As for the radio they are saying (in my head) "do it, don't do it, do it don't do it. (listening to the radio...) So i didn’t know what to do and said "help!" and immediately heard (in my head) "help, i need somebody" (the beatles song). then they did another song...then "help" is repeating...

Anway, i'm going to listen to the radio....it's either, choose which station (and song) to listen to, or hear songs in my head., And if the radio gets negative i'll go to tapes.

This is weird (but not unprecedented) but my stomach said "no" Yeah my stomach can talk to me.

I heard the word "before" and a car honked. "Before" make me think of a candy called "Before and After" which makes me think i'll hear voices BEFORE I die and AFTER i die, I've thought of this before a long time ago..

I'm watching PHP and keeping track of when they get out of group because, with the timing, i'll be done with the steps.

Still on the steps and i haven't gone to the radio. I heard a motorcycle in the distance going "VRRRRMMM" which makes me think "MVVVVVVVVVV"

FINALLY turned on the radio. This is great!. It was tuned to a talk show. As i have said, less signs.

Wondering if Jennifer is here. She wanted some posters made on the computer and i hope she has them ready. But no rush...

Looking over at PHP. they aren't out of group yet, so it means i have to continue doing the steps.

Radio said "Kill ya"...they could give me the EASIEST death in the world...wishful thinkin'

Finally looked at my watch....i was done 5 minutes ago, yay!

After the steps i hit the bathroom to pee. What relief! I had the radio on while peeing and the radio said "stream" which i thought was kind of funny...

Got out of the bathroom and reached into my pocket for my lighter but couldn't find it no matter how i tried...finally i found them. I really wonder if they can do that because it happens all the time. Controlling my sense of touch i think...though there's a little bit of doubt.

Voices tried to make me think there were steroids in my medication. Then they asked if i wanted them and i said no.

Getting into the van, immediately on the ground was a can of "Miller" beer. It made me think of my daughter because her mom's last name is Miller. (oh it was empty)

Dreading shopping tomorrow...and my pinky acted up for a second while typing this...

Now i'm getting screwed while on the steps and, again, my pinky is acting up; it's getting fucked up now (the pinky).

Hearing a song in my head....the Beatles "while my guitar gently weeps" the lyric they are giving me in this song is "You were perverted, too."

Madonna song "Vogue" which made me think of "gov" as in government....because i feel like the whole weight on the government is on my back.

RADIO - "There's got to be a better life than what you have planned" - sounds good....

HOMELESS – while homeless I shaved ALMOST every day...I used to buy coffee and i would shave with it...It really smelled good. Well one time i glanced at something, and then i looked back at my coffee and it had spilled. I thought at the time that a sharpshooter had shot my cup with a BB. Now i realize, they can do stuff like this, "telekinisis" is the word i'm searching for, I think. They can knock stuff over with a "beam.:"

I wonder if the day that i die is already set.

Again, if i get bored listening to a talk show, before i reach down to change the channel i remember that i'm going to get "signs" from the radio, so i don't switch.

Damn they are weird, but a talk show started to talk about sex with a cow and, as i walked the steps i saw a damn cow. Unbelievable...(picture in my mind)

SONG: "we're running with the shadows of the night, it'll be alright, surrender all your dreams tonight, they'll come true in the end" - I fixated on "shadows of the night" which meant i'm being "shadowed."

I close my eyes and i saw a person getting it in the booty.

Still doing the steps and, with all the input i'm getting i'm feeling really weary.

NOW, a song came on which goes "BULLSHIT" as if i'm NOT feeling weary...sonofabitch...

Now, this song ALSO sounds like "push it, push it good, push it real good" and i could feel it in my butt (as usual)...

I guess it was only a matter of time...I saw someone (in my head) with a vagina AND a penis...so, i don't know....

Z-3 LATE MARCHSunday mid March…I’m in spirituality and process group and my damn pinky is acting up…

Appropriately, I heard a song that said “You are my lady, you’re all I’m living for” and I’m thinking of Melinda (g/f).

Lately they’ve been touching me between my booty and my weiner…finally I came up with “vasectomy”.

COMMERCIAL for Miller Brewing company…daughter’s maiden name…threat..

On the steps I heard “Here comes the sun, it’s alright” The weird thing is my voices can make me feel heat, because when the sun comes out it’s hot, like a beam…an artificial beam making me feel the sun warmer than it should. I’m sure of this….

STONES – “Pretty pretty little girl, such a pretty girl” and I’m thinking, damn with a beard like I have they still are calling me a chick. As I said, it makes it easier on them because they can give me twice the signs calling me a guy or a girl…

While walking the steps I heard “stairway (as in, the steps) to heaven”

Sunday I came within an inch to throwing up…Stress?

So after an inspiration “spirituality” group where I had said “when I see pictures from the hubble telescope, I see the hand of God”…then what? The next song was “cum my lady, cum cum my lady, so sexy almost evil (as if I am)” I could have changed the channel but I didn’t think about the lyrics I just know I liked the song. THEN as the song went on I noticed the lyrics….

Saw an ambulance and it reminded me of my cousin, he went to the hospital via ambulance…he’s in the hospital, right now..

At my sister’s house I was outside smoking and they were taking pictures inside and I could see the flashes and it made me think of being a star, what with papparrazi taking pictures. Don’t worry I know it’s B.S.

A guy from staff walked by the steps and my voices said “He’s attractive” (it wasn’t me).

Heard a song, “sexual healing” and THIS lyric is tough, but it goes like this: “I can’t wait to operate” like “cut my head” off.

Choreographed (what a bitch)…sometimes I drop my lighter and I bend over to pick it up….then my headphone slides off…and I reach for the headphone and my camera bag slides off and falls to the ground. What a bitch…

“Bill” a gay guy who I lived with for a couple of weeks handcuffed me…that was twenty years ago and I finally found this meaning: Hand Cuffed Me – HCM which morphs to CMH (cut my head).

I changed to music instead of a talk show (which was kind of boring) and I heard in my head “Welcome Back”…then my voices said I didn’t hear it (welcome back), what a bitch because I KNOW I heard it….bastards…double cross as usual…

Later on in the day I was tuning and every station was too in my face if you know what I mean and I knew it wasn’t a good time to listen to the radio…so I went to “tapes”.

Listened to some tapes, then to a talk show and knew it still wasn’t time to listen to the radio…

Dr. Saben suggested better clothes and a ponytail…I dunno, but I like my hair down. It’s kind of chickish but I kind of want to be chickish…I’m thinking of getting some clothes but I don’t know if the clothes I would choose would be cool to Dr. Saben because I kind of want his approval.

Yay! No cat food on the steps…

Anyways, after a lull, they are back to making me think of gay sex as a coping skill…it’s like, my voices give me a bad thought and then say “all night long” (like I’ll be thinking about this all night long) so what I mean is if I get a bad sign I fight it by thinking about getting reamed instead of having bad thoughts in my dreams. I THINK I talk about stuff in my sleep and, not wanting to think bad thoughts all night long I immediately think of gay sex.. Because, as I said, when they make me think bad stuff for a couple of seconds they’ll then say “all night long” even tho, hell, I wouldn’t have even HAD the thoughts without a LOT OF INPUT.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and just think “oh not another day!”

I just get a laugh out of this but…I dunno if it was radio or tv but the message was “there’s always work in that field” and then I felt it in the booty…the message was to be a hooker…LOL…

I don’t know where but my voices said “do you mind if we screw you?” and I said “go ahead” talk about gay, damn…

And in group a couple of days ago my voices told me to suck dick…and I heard Sam Kinison screaming “DO IT, TO IT!” and I did it for a second…if you remember Sam Kinison you know what I’m talking about….”DO IT, DO IT!”

SONG: “that’s the way, uh huh, I like it, uh huh u huh” then I felt it in my butt.

Good sign first thing in the morning: an armored car (as if I’ll make money)..

DJ’S talking about being homeless said “you could be a BIG FAT TRANNY HOOKER” basically just humiliating me…

Yesterday at my apartment complex I saw a fat girl talking to her dog “sit down, be good” and this meant to me, “It WOULD be good” meaning sex with her would be good.

OMG, I went to Vons yesterday and it was the old stuff, radical paranoia, people ALL knew what I was thinking, the lines were long (choreographed by my voices). And as I’ve said, I “think” for a living and a guy just blurted out “It’s hard work but you have to do it.”

(ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT SIGNS EVER!)

My voices told me to start emailing people my book…everywhere you can think of, left and right. “Get in gear and start doing it.”

The radio said “not only” and it sounded like Natalie (my niece)…she wants to become a nurse but I’m going to try to steer her away from that. Because my cousin was in the hospital and they took an IV out and blood was everywhere, spurting like 1 feet and the nurse is holding her arm for 10 minutes. If she saw this I think she’d think of another profession…

I was listening to a talk show but, even with the headphones on, I heard, in my head, “fat bottom girls you make the rocket world go round”

Radio gave away a dildo and, damn, AS YOU WOULD PROBABLY EXPECT, I felt it in my butt.

SONG: “I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but it’s too late” “why can’t we be friends” and later: I know you’re working for the CIA, they wouldn’t have you in the MAFIA…

Listening to a song and in the background someone said “a great novelist” so that’s a good sign although I DON’T BELIEVE IT..

I got a sign: “You look good” and then I saw a Reader opened up and a headline that said “from an angle”.

Z-4 APRILThursday while doing the steps I relaxed for awhile. Then they started to put songs in my head so – back to the radio…actually I went to a talk show…

Anyways, I was listening to a song and I heard “a great novelist” which I consider B.S.

SONG: “why can’t we be friends” (as in, friends with my voices) then I heard “I know you’re working for the CIA, they wouldn’t have you in the MAFIA”

RADICAL SIGN !…I received an email from spycamera dot com saying “we can see you but you can’t see us.” I feel like searching for camera but it would be futile…

Today I heard a song stuck in my head and I told them to turn it up and they DID!

Someone walked by and said “constitution” and it occurs to me that if ANYTHING would be against the constitution, reading my mind would be…

GREAT SIGN – a DJ said “I’m just kidding, hell.” As in, “Hell is just kidding” or in their terms, “Hell is B.S.”

My last shopping trip was a bitch and I am SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO SHOPPING TONIGHT.

At clubhouse friday...pinky is fucking acting up, what a bitch...

Walked by an ATM and it looked like "ARM" which is a bad sign. Someone in our family was in a motorcycle wreck and his arm is useless...fuck...and to punctuate the thought were cars honking right and left...

SONG :"You're giving me the sweetest taboo" and my mind fixated on my sister and i thought about making out with her for three seconds...then i felt like throwing up for like ten seconds...

I saw a t shirt that said "vintage" and it made me feel "vintage" like a classic car...

As usual, i saw a homeless guy in old town...

Also i saw a guy who looked like he was missing an arm...back to the family member in a motorcycle accident...

I bought some fudge, with a five dollar bill. I'm almost positive...and she gave me change for a ten...i told her and she swears it was a ten. Well, i tried...

I saw a sign that said "dip your own candle" and it looked like "spy camera". I really think there are cameras in my house...

Yeah, on the outing to "Old Town" my pinky was acting up. Not too bad, but I wish it would stop...

I REALLY WONDER IF THE DJ'S ON THE RADIO, AND THE NEWS PEOPLE ON CHANNEL 8 KNOW THEY ARE TRANSMITTING TO ONE PERSON????

Went to Paradise Valley Hospital for a stick and i went into a bathroom and it hit me just what it's like to be in the hospital and it was so vivid is scared me...because i don't want to go into the hospital...so i'm hoping it's not a bad sign...

In front of the hospital i saw a sign that said "100 years" (the hospital has been around 100 years) but it meant to me my voices would keep my alive for 100 years...

Prince song that says "let me tell you, there's an afterlife....things much harder than the afterworld....look around, least you got friends..."

HEADLINE IN THE NEWSPAPER: "BIG BROTHER'S WATCHING YOU" HOW MUCH PLAINER DOES IT HAVE TO BE???

Then i read an article that said "driver Dana dies in wreck" (Race car) and immediately a car raced down the street passing my house....

Tuesday. In group my fucking pinky is acting up so I went outside to smoke because that alleviates the problem...

On the steps i was "channeling" Sam Kinison. I wonder if he's really dead. He is screaming "do it! do it! in my head.

Then Madonna kicked in for ten seconds...

Anyways! The radio is talking about patriotism. I'm like the LAST person who believes in patriotism because, well for one, the constitution is being treated like it doesn't exist...so i was afraid my voices might get mad at me but yanno what they said? "we don't mind."

Damn. When i write stuff down my voices say "bullshit" and then "No b.s." Then "true" and then "false." So i've only been writing stuff down that were blatant, if yanno what i mean? For example, listening to a talk show the DJ said "It sounds like a living hell to me"

SO: I heard a commercial for "Hooter's" and then i felt stimulation on my chest...Then again while I was typing this.

Sunday late march, i was at home and i had this horrible feeling like my head was going to explode...worried about that or a stroke....

Then (a blatant one) One of the DJ's said to the other one "are you trying to make my head explode?" They said that, right on the damn radio...

After awhile they gave me a real bad sign...ruined the whole morning...but i just walked it off, walked it off...

A truck drove by that had a phone number including the word "iron" and it made me think they are putting iron in my meds..

On the way home from day treatment i turned on my MP3 player but, damn, every song was IN MY FACE if you can follow that...hard to explain but even songs i've recorded have negative signs...finally tho, i tuned around and found a song i could listen to...

ANYWAYS! I’m walking the steps, NOT listening to the radio…but trying to delete the voices in my head…

VOICES: “you like it” (listening to signs on the radio) and I answer: “ I would like to do anything in the world other than what I do…. Which I do day and night.

Steps: I’m feeling it in the butt…but now I’m thinking of a family member with a bad arm (motorcycle accident)…so I’m feeling bad now…see, I can’t get too happy because they’ll lay THAT one on you…(when I typed this, a girl next to me said “yeah”). So if I feel good they’ll send something bad in your head or on the radio…because I “walk the line.”

Damn. Now I’m channeling the director at Bayview who died. She said “I’m in a better place a MUCH better place…NO B.S., No lie. . Then she said “Ripley’s Believe it Or Not.” So I wonder, I just wonder if she’s still alive. NOW she said “100% babe”

Continuing: “Dan I saw you at the Memorial. And I saw you in back getting teared up. I was touched.”

THEN I had an “oblique” sign…I don’t know how I heard it…but here goes: In “Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn” Tom and his friend faked their death and ended up going to their own funeral. SO, I feel like that is what happened with Kari. Like maybe, who the fuck knows?

Now they are double crossing me. They are saying B.S., then NO B.S., then true, then false to the stuff I’m typing up. So what happens is I only type BLATANT stuff.

I heard “star” and then “true” as if I’m going to be a star. But I’ve been hearing THAT one for 21 years and I’m QUITE over that. That’s how you can’t believe ANYTHING they say.

SO…my voices said “Go to the radio and get messages” so I’m going for that.

Damn, doing the steps, in my mind’s eye I saw that family member with a bad arm…THAT’LL bring you back to earth.

Heard over the radio…or in my head…don’t know which…and they said “train” so yeah, it makes me think of getting screwed by ten guys in a row. P.S., when I heard “Train” I instantly heard a car honk, just to puncuate the thought…

This never happened before, but I heard a car honk twice. Just in my head, not an actual car. Then at the bottom of the steps there was an ambulance 6 feet away. I thought of my cousin who went to the hospital in an ambulance two weeks ago. THEN I thought “AMBULANCE” – Lance Ma Bul – as in “Lance Ma (is) Bull” and, just to clarify it, cutting my mom’s head off and keeping it alive is bull…

My voices are making me fantasize about being just a head. I could be in Hawaii, Paris, or Rome in seconds. It’s a weird way of actually traveling at the speed of light.

“Gilligan’s Island” I’m hearing this…just the last part…”Here on Gilligan’s Island” repeating repeating, and repeating…What does this mean? Well, you’ve got “Island” which makes me think of Landis (the street my step dad lives on)…so, in a roundabout way they are threatening him…and they are saying “hey, inherit stuff” and I’m like “I WANT MONEY BUT NOT THAT WAY !!

Well i'm doing the steps with music in my head (voices), trying to concentrate, trying not to listen.

On the radio my voices said "you like it" concerning the messages and i said to them "i'd like to do ANYTHING better than what i'm doing!" I mean no privacy in my thoughts!

Still doing the steps, hearing songs in my head. And, yanno, they turned up the volume. Damn.

I'm being reminded of a family member who was in an accident and his left arm is useless. Now, THAT'S a fucked up sign.

So you can see, i can't get too happy because they'll always drag me down...

I'm walking the line...a little to the left, a little to the right...

Kari (or carie), the director who passed on...i kind of channeled her...she said "I'm in a much better place, a MUCH better place...NO BS, no doubt, no lie." Then she said "Ripley's Believe it or not."

So i totally wonder if she's alive??

It continues (she's saying): "100 percent babe. I saw you at the memorial and i was touched because you teared up"

It reminded me of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn because they faked their death and went to their own funeral...

NOW my voices are saying stuff didn't happen when you KNOW it happened. Kind of like a double cross...and now they're saying to listen to the radio and get signs...weird stuff...Because my voices LIE ALL OF THE TIME ANYWAY I TELL YA.

Now the message is "star" and then "true"...I'm going to be a star...true! at least that's the message but, hey, it's another lie. I don't fall for this stuff anymore....i've heard it for over 20 years. I guess i've become "wise", ya think?

I just saw in my mind's eye the family member with a bad arm (motorcycle accident). Reality comes crashing down....then i saw a penis right in my face...then my mind drifted away, then I heard the word "train" and a car honked. "Train" means me having sex with a bunch of guys electronically... (the car honk, as always, puntuates the thought).

this is different but i heard a car honk (twice) only in my head....

And i fantasized about being just a head...i could go to Paris...Hawaii, Japan instantly just by being channeled into someone else...

Back to Kari..."i'm alive and it rules! better than heaven..."

As for voices i'm quite sure Elvis Presley was controlled....One time he went outside and there was a light rain and Elvis said "i can stop it" and then he put his palm to the sky and (as the author said) "miraculously it stopped raining." So i believe Elvis went through what I'M going through...

And yanno why, i've been in "no rain zones" where it was raining hard but only a light mist on me. It mystified me at the time but NOW I KNOW MY VOICES CAN CONTROL VARIOUS WEATHER PHENOMENON....and they definitely can blow holes through clouds....

SONG: the lyrics were talking to me...."when you're strange, faces come out of the rain when you've strange." Focus on the word "strange" because i think i've SURPASSED that!

Later on the steps i had a negative sign so i thought of getting screwed instead of the bad thoughts...

On Thursday my pinky was acting up but i'm proud that i stayed in group...

Also in group, along with the pinky deal i had a fucking sensation that my head was going to explode....afraid of getting a stroke...

On the way home in the van a song came on that ended "I'm not afraid to die" and my voices said they want me to feel that way, and, yeah, i'm getting there.

A BIG SIGN! Never saw it but there's a movie called "The Matrix" and the TV Guide describes it as: "A COMPUTER HACKER LEARNS HIS WORLD IS A COMPUTER SIMULATION" and this hits SO CLOSE TO HOME, SO SUCCINCT!!!!

ANYWAYS! My voices pretty much tell me my book isn't going to succeed, then at some point, they say it will succeed...So i saw a headline in the paper that said "Success is the true sound of revenge (as if my being successful is revenge to my voices).

Then i heard "revenge is sweet" and that goes along with the last paragraph...

I thought the message here was suicide when they said "you can do it, we can help." Not suicidal tho...

Sometimes when i'm tuning and i hit a station, the DJ says "go away"...

A DJ mentioned "eyes wide shut" and it meant something to me because if i close my eyes i can see stuff, mainly porn...

Another DJ actually said "communicating through ESP"...

I'm STILL thinking of shock treatment...it would be 12 sessions...it worries me tho that i might lose track of every day things, like paying my bills....

Said it before but if i have bad thoughts i start thinking about gay sex to counter them....and right now they screwed me, pulled it out and dribbled it onto my back....i can see the whole thing...

On the van we passed a big truck that said "oversized load" (as if i'm fat).

A DJ mentioned "estrogen" and then my boobs got stimulated...then the DJ said "that's true" and their meaning was i've got female hormones in my medication....not to worry, they've told me this since 1985 and i don't fall for it anymore..

More with the DJ's...."cameras are there" and "there are infrared cameras in your bedroom." as in, my house...

More doublecross stuff...they are saying messages i get on the radio are: true...not true...true...not true...yes...no....yes...no.....blah blah blah....More lying...i'm pretty accustomed to it tho...

Finally they are saying "no" (about receiving messages over the radio) and a car horn went off and a backup alarm (to a car) went off...they are saying what i'm writing isn't true. As i previously said, tho, they lie all the damn time anyway...

Walking the steps and someone said "Hint" and i thought "thin" as if i will be.

Saturday i was watching "Becker" with Ted Danson. He bought a motorcycle and then i heard (outside) a real motorcycle drive by, revving his engine..

SONG: "someday love will find you, break those chains that bind you" and i'm like Hello, i HAVE a love...Melinda Melinda, my linda...don't want another one...

Listening to the radio and, covering up a song for two seconds, a guy said "hi kids!"...I know it's a threat to Nicole (my daughter) but it kind of made me think she's getting "high" (as in marijuana)...probably more lies in my opinion...

STEPS: I'm walking and (totally choreographed), they made me reach down and pull up my pants... THEN my headphone slowly slides off my head, then to pick that up i reached down and THEN my fucking camera bag falls off my arm...

THEN I DID IT AGAIN, THE WHOLE SEQUENCE...(what a bitch)

Oh, so i'm typing this up and my voices said "Genius at work." SARCASTICALLY.

SONG: "bring a tear to my eye and tell me everythings, gonna be alright."Soothing EVEN THO i know it's another lie....the ulimate sap...WHAT'S THE NEXT MESSAGE?? I mean like 20 years ago i would think it's the greatest sign in the world...now I look at it with a calloused eye..

Still on the steps...i got a bad sign so i thought of gay sex (my coping device)...I let them ream me...they're saying "deeper, deeper bitch...you know you like it, you know you like it"

SONG; "smoke on the water, fire in the sky." When i hear this i'm worried my house is on fire..

SONG: "Ooooooh child, things are gonna get easier, ooooooo child, things will get brighter" and you just think, what's the NEXT song going to be???

SPIRITUALITY GROUP: my pinky is bothering me, irritating me... then finishing my workout, i was sitting outside by a table and it came back again...it's a bitch because sometimes you forget about it, but then that old tingling sensation on my pinky acts up...

And the "head explode" feeling is coming back again...I'm afraid i'm going to have a stroke or something...maybe i'll just explode and leave a ten foot circle of my head...(no i don't believe this, i'm just saying...it kind of FEELS like that...)

Sunday April 2...a fire truck rolled by day treatment...the way i perceive it is "Fire Truck" - "FIR TRU" as if "fire is true" (as if my apartment is on fire)...

Reading the newspaper about the FBI and the CIA and a car honked right as i read about them. I totally wonder if they are involved...I TOTALLY WONDER IF THEY ARE INVOLVED...Like i said...MAYBE they discovered the radio is talking to me and, like i said, they want IN ON THE ACTION.

SUNDAY NIGHT - again, i feel like my head is going to explode...

EARTHQUAKE IN IRAN - i'm of the opinion they were caused by nuclear weapons...kind of a warning to Iran, who are trying to make a bomb...A man-made earthquake...

Z-6 EARLY APRIL

I remember friday a fire truck pulled in and parked by PHP. I thought, "FIR TRU" (the first three letters as in “fire is true”, so i thought my apartment is on fire...well my apartment was fine...but, in the newspaper, i saw an article concerning Bayview...a patient lit his room on fire...so...

my voices said "going nowhere" as if my book is going nowhere...on the other hand, an armored car pulled up, as if i'm going to be rich lol...

Listening to a song and a voice interrupted and said "I like that" and my voices touched my "sex" finger...(my middle finger means, instead of "fuck you" as usual, but it's backwards meaning "fuck ME"...after that one went of they started screwing me...

SONG: "You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave" meaning even if i killed myself they'd find a way to keep my brain alive.

Radio is talking about Pheromes...makes sense because i think i smell bad...my apartment laundry room is being renovated for the past 1 1/2 months, and i'm wearing jeans 3 times....coupled this with my workout in those same jeans...on the other hand, i STILL only wear shirts once...anyway, the laundry room will be open april 15 Yay! can't wait...'

Ever notice that when you take a dump it smells a lot worse to OTHER people than it does to you?

STAIRS: a black and white cat crossed my path...even tho it wasn't all black, i thought of it as a bad sign...THEN a DJ said "Not that" or something close to that...as if, NOT a bad sign...

Someone mentioned "Alpine" in group and it occured to me that i might have to be there someday - but i hope not...

STEPS - i saw a girl walking by with oxygen containers and that's a fucked sign...

RADIO - "You look like a woman and smell like a man" (as in, wearing the same jeans three times)...but not in a row...

ANYWAY...MY OWN VOICE screwed with me...i said the word "actually" and it sounded like "sexually." Out of my own mouth.,..

HMMM....I read something that said there's s spot in your head which, when stimulated, it gives you anxiety....that hits SO CLOSE TO HOME! (because that's EXACTLY what my voices are doing to me...

RADIO SIGNS: If i tune around and listen, the lyrics of the songs are talking to me....blatantly...however if i listen to a talk show, they are much subtler....

STUPID - I saw some grafitti and it looked like DAN K (my name and last initial)....it kind of made me think people doing grafitti are on my side...stupid as hell...like i'm underground...

Just thinking this but, I’m as gay as technology can make me...

SONG: "he kept dreaming that he'd be a star, a superstar but didn't get far...he found out the hard way that dreams don't always come true"

SONG: "don't you want somebody to love, don't ya need somebody to love" and i'm like, "I've got Melinda and i'm satisfied" and then they said "don't you need somebody to love ("NEW")....a new chick, in other words...

Hmmmm. I went on-line to ATT.COM and spent 30 minutes so that I can have high speed internet next week…FINALLY I found my way through and I’m going to be connected April 11…THEN I turned on the TV and instantly there was a commercial for, yeah, you guessed it, AT & T internet…

RADIO – the radio was talking about the shuttle which crashed and for a few seconds I thought it was my fault….damn…

The radio talked about “brokeback mountain” and I was worried that my back would break. On the other hand it made me think of gay sex because, I guess the movie is about gay cowboys…

I’m listening to sirens while doing the steps, they are going “W O W” and I felt like my voices were saying I looked good, like “WOW”…I hope you get a laugh out of THAT one!

ANYWAYS!Three guys walked by me while I was on the steps and I thought “I don’t want that.”

Z-7 APRIL 10I was listening to the radio…and a song by Madonna came on and the lyrics said “you’re a superstar, you know it…instantly a fire truck came racing through to punctuate the thought . I KNOW I’m not a star although I get enough attention to be, I dunno, a “minor”star, actually a NEGATIVE star…I know! An ANTI-STAR…

On the way in (in the van) my voices told me (in my head) that I’m worth thousands of dollars a day…take that as you like but I believe it to be true…I mean…anytime I listen to the radio it’s talking to me…I can get up at two in the morning to get a cigarette and, yeah, they’re right there, basically ANY FUCKING TIME…

SMELLS I’m TOTALLY convinced my voices can control smells…like today…I go to catch the van, carefully avoiding the grass (where dog crap could be)…and, as every day, I took a shower…anyways, I get in the van and there’s a smell of dog doooo…like it followed me in…so I look at my shoes, nothing there…so the whole van is smelly and I’m like sooooo embarrassed, there was nothing I could do…OK, my laundry room is closed…and I’ve worn the same pants twice…and did my daily work out twice in them, so I could smell a little bit smelly…but not dog crap…PLEASE BELIEVE ME !!!

RADIO“get down get down girl..get down, get down girl”…I fantasized about being screwed from behind while I was on all fours…for like…10 seconds.

ANYWAYS…my mind drifted and then I thought about being on all fours again (sexually) and a car honked (to, as usual, punctuate the thought).

Talk show…as usual, a safe haven from “messages/lyrics”…but then they started talking about guys who looked like chicks for about 5 minutes…

CONCERNING MY BOOK: “no matter what you try you’ll never succeed.”

COMMERCIAL – on the radio they had a commercial for Condos for 300K…My voices said “some day…some day.” I believe it….NOT!”

Another commercial…they had lyrics saying “can you teach me to fly?” Well in the olden days “fly” meant to succeed…a good thing…”we can fly” Now it means suicide, jumping off a bridge, to “fly” I’m not suicidal, tho…

TALK SHOW – they are talking about knee surgery saying they almost have to cut the leg off.. Well my voices keep telling me they are going to cut my leg off, and…combined that with the family member who has a hurt arm…my voices say “an arm and a leg.” Get it? His arm and my leg..

A GOOD SIGN My voices said they are tired of screwing me….well that’s good but it messes up my coping device which is to think of gay sex…I guess I have to think of something else…

Voices – screwing me again and then they said “we’ll NEVER get tired of screwing you”

SONG, it's very poingant because, with what i'm going through today, it said "You've been working too hard and that's a fact" because i have been working hard today…mentally drained…

It continues: "sit back and relax awhile, take time to relax and smile"

Because, here on friday, my paranoia was just kicking in...

Now, after the message about knee surgery, where a guy almost gets his leg cut off during knee surgery (previous page), Now MY knee is hurting...It’s become a sign i'm going to lose one of my legs...

On the van on the way home on friday..."leave your worries behind" that sounds nice...but as always, WHAT'S THE NEXT SIGN GOING TO BE???

John Ritter died of a heart attack...well, i was reading the paper and it mentioned a different john ritter...so, if i hear the name john ritter, I’ll take it as a sign i'll die of a heart attack. And, just thinking about it the initials are “JR”…so from now one if I think of any version of “JR” it’ll be a sign I’ll get a heart attack.

(about some guys book) "Commitment grew through experience" and now it’s meaning it applies to my book...

CATS - i love cats and stuff but, considering the bird flu, i feel like cats will be a threat to people some day...not now, but some time in the future...because i have read that bird flu WILL BE in the U.S. someday, and cats will touch infected birds...so someday you won't want to your pet to go outside.

Today (april 9) i saw a neighbor being taken out of her house by ambulance...i know it was just a visual hallucination but i got the message, that that is going to happen to me some day....

I came across a negative sign (in the newspaper)...so i did the gay stuff (coping skill)...and then my voices said "penis breath."

If they can read my mind, i'm willing to bet a thousand dollars that they are in Osama Bin Laden's head...either that or he's 20 feet underground...other than that I really think he is being monitored...

Reading the sunday paper today and I felt like my head was going to explode (AGAIN!)

Turned a page and saw "it's going right, don't change a thing!"

Saw an article about a hotel...it was in high elevations and offered oxygen inhalers (to people unaccustomed to the altitude)...to me, it was a sign that I'll need oxygen...

I was reading the sunday paper and i saw the word "only" and it looked like it said "ugly" as if they were talking to me....P.S. just now when i typed "ugly" i heard a guy on TV say "that's for damn sure."

I keep getting the feeling like my head is going to explode... well, i'm watching letterman and the band is "the strokes" which scares me...like i'm going to get one...

still reading the paper...i came across a make up commercial and for a second i thought of putting make up on...for like 5 seconds...

My voices are saying "make up, make up, make up" in my head...

MONDAY APRIL 10

I was in group and people were talking…and someone said to this girl, “God doesn’t want you to leave.” And instantly I inhaled deeply (courtesy of my voices) and tried to get a sign…and it was, “God (as in my voices) don’t want me to leave (my apartment)…so that was a good sign…

Same group, and we were talking about being without hope…and the coordinator said “don’t let it paralyze you” which to me meant being paralyzed…scary…

Computer room: the song on the radio said “leave your worries behind” which I’ve heard many times before…sounds good but you don’t know what the NEXT song/sign will be…

SONG: “don’t wish it away, don’t look at it like it’s forever…between you and me, I can honestly say things can only get better”

Radio I’m tuning around and hit upon a station playing a song with the lyrics “free falling” which stands for suicide…

SONG: “Get down on it, get down on it” and I ended up thinking to get down on a guy’s penis…

SONG: “Mr big stuff, who do you think you are, you think you’re higher than every star above.”

TALK SHOW They are talking about amputating a dog’s leg for some reason and then it hit home because my voices are always saying they are going to do that to me.

Spy cameras the DJ’s were talking and they said “video cameras are on all of us.”

ANYWAYS – my mind was just drifting and I ended up thinking, with this high tech world, I THINK for a living…and wish I had more money for the job. THEN my voices said “someday, someday.”

SONGS: “She’s just a devil woman, with evil on her mind.”

“You’re something special and you look like you’re the best!” (flattery).

I saw a trash truck and noticed the word "star" in the word "trash"...it's like a sarcastic way to call me a "star" - as in "trash."

I was listening to a song on my headphones and in my head i heard "and they call it puppy love." And i thought, being in love as a kid is so powerful, it mimics the adult version...

RADIO - (said) "you are a star, you are a star, not a one trick pony...." As if...

ALSO - the radio said "You are a niche, not a mass appeal" and i totally agree with this...i believe my book's target audience is a niche - pyschiatrists, psychologists...people in the mental health field...and yeah, i don't figure on having a mass appeal...

SONG (Queen)...it has a lyric that says "wish i'd never been born" and that hit home....

TALK SHOW - mentioned an "amputee" which scares me because my voices keep telling me they are going to cut off a leg...

RADIO - "expect great things" "they love me, they love me not" (people around me) "let the bad guy win every once in awhile" (like i'm the bad guy) "i think it's gonna be a long time, i think it's gonna be a long long time (how long i'll live)

THEN - "you're only young but you're gonna die (from one extreme to the next)"

I saw a FEDEX truck...but branches (i think it was) were covering the EX part out and i just saw "FED" which made me think of the government...and how it's upon my head...because i feel like the weight of the government is on my head...

BAD SIGN - i heard a song that said, "different strokes for different folks" which scares me because i'm worried about having a stroke...

Heavy metal song..."you look good, you look good"

TALK SHOW is talking about "smellovision"...which rings true because my voices can control smells...i'm not 100 percent sure but 90 percent..

ANYWAYS - a treatment coordinator said that i'm use to my voices and stuff...but yanno, even if it's a theme, actually my voices can come and attack me almost like it was the first time i had various thoughts...it's almost like they can control my voices anew...the radio can become mean just like the first time.

Sometimes i wonder, say like i'm in a group...i'm actually in an empty room and everyone is a visual hallucination. Kind of like the holodeck in star trek.

Monday 17th...things were going ok when i got hit by a "wave of darkness" and everything went bad for awhile. I get this feeling once in awhile and it sucks…of course…it could be ok, and then in the next instant it hits…

On the van i kind of flirted just a little bit with some girl...and when i got off, a song came on that said "you give love a bad name, bad name."

On a shopping trip last week there was a guy in a wheelchair and someone called out his name, which was, you guessed, "dan" (as if i'm going to be in a wheelchair).

also on our shopping trip i was waiting for a pizza from costco and everything was kind of haywire....thoughts, car alarms going off, cars honking....i think next time i'll splurge and just get pizza delivered..

Voices said to me (in my head) "we wuvs you" but i'm not going to be gullible again and believe it...

TALK SHOW: they were talking about sex in the future and they mentioned, if a person's brain was stimulated in just the right spot, a person could orgasm. Which made A WHOLE LOTTA SENSE TO ME, because they "turn me on" that way...

and, yanno what? the dj's were talking about this and giggling and i kind of wonder if THEY were turned on as well?

Also on the talk show they said you wouldn't need arms and legs, you could just THINK.

ALSO, they were saying something about being a reality show and i thought, damn, i sure am the ultimate reality show...

Here's a good sign! A girl told me to go to "H" and said, do you know what "H" means? It means heaven!

SONG AIMED AT ME, AND A VERY NICE ONE AT THAT:"When you feel that you can't go on...because all your hope is gone, and your life is filled with much confusion, until happiness is just an illusion, and your world is tumbling down, darling, reach out, come on girl, reach out, I'll be there, i'll be there, with a love that will see you through...when you're without hope, you're about to give up, when your best just ain't good enough, because all your hope is gone and your love has grown cold, when you need a hand to hold, reach out, reach out to me, and I'll be there"

AGAIN! - I'm only as gay as technology can make me!

My pants...i swear my voices have entered my house and gave me different pants! These pants as of late, are way baggy in my butt and my pants keep falling down. This first started about two months ago...

TALK SHOW SIGNA guy on a talk show this morning said "I may have to go to the hospital"...he was just kidding but it was aimed at me, as if i will have to go to the hospital...

SONG: Aerosmith song that says, "and you're back on the street like you didn't miss a beat" which scares me because i don't ever want to be homeless again (as the song is hinting).

TALK SHOW: they were talking about pregnancy (i think of my daughter), hormones, being irritable...and i'm just scared it'll affect their marriage... and they talked about throwing things...and then they said "It's a biological fact." I’m ALWAYS worried for her…

ANYWAYS - my mind was wondering and then i thought about guys....then i "saw" some guys balls, and then he masturbated in my face...

I started kind of fantasizing about being a successful author and then I heard “You can’t always get what you want, but you might find, sometime, you get what you need” meaning I won’t be successful but at least you have social security.

Talk show...they were talking about the loss of a child as being the worst thing that can happen and i feel like they were talking about my daughter....then they talked about being under stress 24 hours a day and i'm like, "that's me."

RADIO - madonna song saying, "You're one lonely star, you don't know who you are...you deserve an award for the role that you played, all the world is a stage."

Thinking of Melinda (she's in the hospital) "Because your kiss is what i miss, your kiss is on my list, of the best things in life."

Pinky finger was acting up in spirituality group...i hung on as long as i could, then i took off and did the steps for ten minutes..also i had the "Head explode" feeling again....Tuning around the radio, just in time to hear an Elton John song singing "pretty eyes.

FLATTERY! - in spirituality we had a song that said "Isn't he beautiful? Isn't he wonderful? (as if ME)....hell, if i fell for THAT one i'd have to blush lol.

A bunch of fire trucks in the background here at bayview....hope it's not my house, or bayview....

I saw a guy and a girl talking and i felt like they were enticing me and it's like, i want the chick, 100%.

I don't know if this is a mantra but i said to myself: "I am a good person, i am a good person" (the television announcer then said "You're right.") I mean, sure i have bad thoughts but 90 percent of the are instigated by my voices anyway. So i feel like i am a good person inside.

I GET A REAL KICK OUT OF THIS ONE! I hear all the bullshit stuff…about Osama Bin Laden…The news is saying stuff like “he’s believed to be in the mountainous area in Pakistan” which is so stupid because MY VOICES KNOW EXACTLY WHERE HE IS…I mean, if they can read my mind, definitely they are reading HIS mind. I know it, I just fucking know it!

ANYWAYS!I’m listening to a talk show and they said “3rd floor” twice inside of a minute…like I’m going into the hospital, yanno, 3rd floor?

On the other hand, I have a little hand held device that records what I say when I press the record button…and while talking into the recorder about this, I heard a bunch of laughter which usually signifies that my thoughts were silly…

RADAR LOVE – whenever I hear this song I think of the girl I knocked up…once a week or so…and I wonder if she thinks about ME when she’s listening to certain songs…

Z-9 LATE APRIL

SONG that is aimed at me - “faces come out of the rain, when you’re strange”

Cigarettes may go up to four dollars a pack and it scares me…my voices said “we’ll take care of you, we’ll take care of you”

“We’re not going to take you out, we’re not going to take you out !” wishful thinking, I could die SO EASY if my voices wanted to kill me…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’d trade places with ANYBODY !

“Weddings don’t always come as planned, you might need a divorce” which means either breaking up with Melinda, or my daughter’s marriage might fail..

TRUE SONG – “you might as well face it you’re addicted to love”

BAD SIGN – Talk show DJ said “what’s in the chest?” which makes me worry about cancer…

My voices found a way to tell me that all my voices (all the people in my head) are volunteers…

TALK SHOW….another station cut in front of the DJ’S saying “mortgage” which is nice because I’m considering going through the motions of buying a house/apartment…

Walking down the steps I saw this kind of mangy gray cat which means, being gray, I’m old.

SONG:”I am sooo into you, I love the things you do” as if!

SONG: the ever-present Aerosmith song: “dude looks like a lady.”

BUMMER – as I said, I listen to Talk Shows, as there are fewer signs…now, dammit, my station went all staticy….which meant I had to go to music and the “signs” involved…I hate that…

DJ talked about not liking to leave the house and I thought, “I’m right there!”

COMMERCIAL…”we sign 20,000 people up for car insurance” and I HAD to figure out how many a day and guess what I came up with? “666”

TUESDAY, APRIL 25TH – I was reading in the newspaper about the “middle class” making 35K to 99K…and when I read “99,000” I heard a car honk to punctuate the thought…oh well…

RADIO – I was tuning around when I heard a station say “family” because this is a threat to them (my family)…

“Sometimes when I look in your eyes, maybe you’re thinking of some other guy” (worried Melinda is going to meet someone in the hospital)

“You’re the sunshine of my life, that’s while I’ll always be around” my voices talking to me (flattery)…and, yanno, they WILL always be around…

Voices trying to get me not to slouch, saying “you don’t have to get stiff as a board, just lean back” (improving my posture).

TALK SHOW DJ “You’re a genius!” (as usual, I don’t fall for this anymore.)

TALK SHOW: “you want cancer of the larynx”

TALK SHOW (more flattery) “deep down we love you.”

“You know you’re something special and you look like you’re the best” – more flattery…

SONG – “I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’re thinking” Old news…knowing my thoughts, what a bitch I tell ya. ANYWAYS: ‘I know what you’re thinking” means just that….

ANYWAYS! I’m listening to songs on the radio but in my head I keep hearing the song from before saying “I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’re thinking…

TALK SHOW, a dj mentioned "suicide" and a car honked at the same time...

READER'S DIGEST - "a life without pain" and i'm HOPING for that...

I was in group and i started to have negative thoughts so i did my coping skill...allowing my voices to screw me...i have to conciously allow them to screw me. The only other option is to have the bad thoughts so...anyway, they screwed me for half the first group...

NOW they are licking my booty...i could "see" the tongue...they call it "cunnilingus" because, as i've said, they consider my booty to be a vagina...

Then they said "we don't mind if it's dirty"...can you believe this??

So i'm tuning around and i landed on a station...and a girl says "hot stuff!" then they play a song that goes "girls just wanna have fun" as if i'm a chick...

ANYWAYS! i'm climbing the steps and i see a guys balls...they told me to suck on them...i fought it...

A song came on that said "i have a surprise for you....All Night Long...A.N.L.->ANAL...”

Then they are touching my butt and the song says "I can't wait to love you baby, all night long..."

I tune around and hear "i want you so bad, sexually...."

Sometimes i feel a "wall of darkness", a wall of negativity...and my voices say (concerning this Wall of Darkness) "never happened, never happened" and i get mad saying, "hey, i went thru this, i know it happened! Then they said "just kidding."

TALK SHOW - "you might be the hippest, coolest...(that's all i heard)"

SONG: "Paranoia strikes deep, into you life it will creep, it starts when you're always afraid..."

Staff member walked by on the steps and my voices made it into something sexual...they kind of gave me a bad sign so i THOUGHT of this person sexually so that i wouldn't think terrible thoughts instead...

ANYWAYS! I was listening to a talk show...hiding from the radio, yanno, i didn't want to hear lyrics talking to me...so i was listening to a talk show but i got kind of bored. THEN a song "covered up" the talk show....a song i wanted to hear...so i checked and the station right next to it was playing a song i liked...

OUTING TO LITTLE ITALY ART FEST Some guy walked by with a "gay" accent...since i masturbate "with" someone, a guy...this made me feel sooooo embarassed..

Walking down a street i was listening to a couple of people talking figuring it would be aimed at me, and this girl said something, and i'm trying to analyze, and then the guy she was talking to said (in a humorous way) "get out of here."

A few minutes later some one said "sick of the whole thing!" and i thought, yeah, i'm right there with you dude.

Girl went by with a motorized wheel chair. I get this often. It means I'LL be in one someday...but what happened is i saw it and immediately "everyone" seemed to laugh (meaning it was a silly thought).

Sooooo....Mozella was leading a group (on the outing) and she said "stop and look" which was funny because i actually was looking at a beautiful blond at the same time.

I was with someone and he said, "danny isn't there anything that appeals to you?" which was cool because i was looking at two chicks at the moment....

Then i saw a chick, must've been 55...but beautiful...looking cool and sexy in her sunglasses...looked like Elizabeth Taylor...she sat down close to me... TOTALLY looking in my direction...i felt like there was a "vulcan mind meld" thing going...she had a cheshire cat expression going...for about ten minutes....i felt that she knew what i was thinking...she knew it was going on and she got a kick out of it....

GRATEFUL DEAD: i saw a person that LOOKED like a person from the Grateful Dead...I think the name was David Crosby....i mean, if this person wasn't him, then this was his clone...

During this outing i had this recurring feeling that my head was going to explode...it kinda feels like you're worried about getting a stroke i tellya....it's a real bummer when this happens....Also, while i was typing this up i had it again...

WALL OF DARKNESSI (again) had this "wall of darkness" feeling...i don't remember the details but i was at the outing and things just started going bad...i think i just closed my eyes and rode it out...but now, with my eyes closed, i feel like "just a brain." like i'm getting no input from my eyes...and the sounds of people around me are closing in on me....i think a thought, someone laughs...kind of like that...every thought gets some kind of response...some are OK, but most are negative.... i hope when i die i'm not going to be "just a brain" like my voices swear is going to happen...

An ambulance went by during the outing, right next to me...i know it was for my "benefit" but i swear to god, i don't believe it was there....i totally believe it was a visual hallucination...

Now I'm home and, in my head i hear "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with" and no one is here...then it occured to me, MY VOICES are here...so basically it means getting screwed by my voices...

Oh, as of late i've been smoking a little bit more....i guess my stress has been upped a bit...i was smoking about a pack (and glad of it)...now it's a close to a pack and a half...

Sometimes i'm real weary in the morning, don't want to go through what i go through...i've decided to try to realize after a cigarette and coffee i can find my way to start the day....

I was listening to a talk show and a song from another station covered it up and the words were “Back In black” (AC/DC) and I thought…oh, I know…SSI kicked in today!

Talk show- so I’m listening to a talk show and they mentioned the word “satellite” and then I heard the DJ say “there you go!”

Z-10 TWO YEARS

TWO DAMN YEAR'S UPDATE:

Radio/TV/Newspaper's "threatening my family" UNCHANGED"Pinky thing" (also a threat to family) WORSE: (they are actually doing things to my family; my daughter has been getting electronic headaches/electronic flu. It feels SO BAD when she is suffering…and they are telling me she’s going to be an “electronic” schizophrenic….and my cousin just got out of the hospital…some people thought he was going to die…I feel so bad for him…)

Everyone knows my thoughts in public UNCHANGEDFeel like my head is going to explode (one month) A NEW PHENOMENON

"Wall of darkness" - the whole world gets negative in seconds (it started two weeks ago)

torture via the occasional headache UNCHANGED

CMH - cutting my head off and keeping me alive UNCHANGED

seeing things with eyes closed NEW(for example, even praying

worried about cameras in my house NEW

A whole lot of visual hallucinations UNCHANGED

"saw" a brain, in a bubbling liquid (i could hear it)

Don't know what's worse, super negative voices or actual pain

Anxiety/tactile stuff that makes me chain smoke UNCHANGED

My mind being read 24 hours a day (CIA? FBI? NSA?) UNCHANGED

Radio talks to me 24/7 (Music stations) UNCHANGED

Voices - It's only been a year since i realized that many thoughts WEREN'T MINE

My pinky thing is acting up…and a song came on that said “do you have to linger around my finger?” Damn....

Now the pinky is being touched in a different format because my shirt keeps brushing by it…enough to piss you off…

I feel a massive weight upon my head…the government or something..

The “weight of the world.”

A song came on that said “heaven” like seven times…because sometimes my voices say they will keep me alive and I’ll either be in “heaven” or “hell.” So I like this sign although the very next sign could be “hell” again…

On Thursday on the van on the way in I got one of those “wall of darkness” moments..i could be feeling “OK” in one moment, and horrible the next…thank god for the steps, they combat these feelings…

SONG – my voices will live forever (as if, they will ALWAYS be there).

SONG - “All of your dreams will come true” (then a car honked 8 times to punctuate the thought)…they are fucking with me saying my book will be successful…

TALK SHOW – they started talking about kids and I knew they were talking about my daughter…So I started worrying about my daughter and then they said ”That’s right”.

A commercial came on then I heard a car alarm like 12 times…so I’m listening to the commercial to find out the “sign” and it was a Jacuzzi commercial…as if my book will be successful and I’ll have enough money to buy one…

ANYWAYS! I was talking to someone about shock treatments (I’m seriously considering having it done) and a song came on that said “shock the monkey, shock the monkey”.

VOICES said “business is business, you’ll get paid” again they are telling me my book is going to be successful…

In a group the coordinator said how do you feel? And I said I have “anxiety”…so she says you’re feeling anxiety today? And I said, “I live it!.”

Sometimes I wonder if a bunch of people at day treatment aren’t really here and I’ve just got a ton of visual hallucinations instead???

RADIO – said something about “a choice of models” and in my weird way I thought it meant “models” as in pretty girls…and I’d have my choice of them…funny, huh?

TALK SHOW – this is a tough one…they talked about being an “invalid” and stuck in bed all day…bed pan and everything…scary, because that’s how my mom died, so I take this one seriously…they also mentioned “breathing through a hole in your neck.” A tough, tough one…

RADIO – SONG (which made me think about Melinda)…”There’s no one like you, I can’t wait for the night’s with you, I imagine the things we’d do, I just want to be loved by you!”

TALK SHOW – they said “look at that! And so I “saw” a penis masturbating…damn…

NOW they are putting it in my mouth…I can’t control it…I just feel it…but I wasn’t going to suck on it…and, then they masturbated it and, damn, “it” came on my lips…For anyone who reads this I’m sorry about the graphic nature of what I’m writing; it’s just what happens to me…I just don’t know where they come up with this stuff….

Ok, so they are saying something like being “serious about dreaming” which, yeah, means (at least what they WANT it to mean) that this book will work out…hmmm…while tying this I’m hearing fire engines, which is a sign that it will.

I try to shy away from looking at staff chicks…I mean I know I can’t get them so what’s the use? But one girl in particular walked by and I felt compelled to stare at her booty…and a song came on that said “tell me if you like it”

STAR OF INDIA OUTINGWell i hid a nice cup i have under a gang plank...then when i went back to pick it up there was this odd stick that looked like a human bone....which reminded me because i broke a bone once, actually twice, in my leg...so in my mind i felt like it was a sign i was going to break another bone...

ANYWAS! i was walking and realized my fly was open, so i put my bag on a seat and took care of business...and there was a lady there reading, but the advertisement facing me was for Lasik eye surgery...the hint was i'll be able to afford eye surgery someday...sounds good but what's the NEXT sign?

So we're eating and getting ready to leave and a guy walked by in crutches...ANOTHER sign i'll break a leg or something...

IMPORTANT We walked into a submarine and i wanted to test to see if my voices could reach me surrounded by a metal shell and, yep, i checked and they were right there....I'm wondering if they can reach, for example, Russian submarines....underwater? like, HOW DEEP can they do this??? because if they can they can basically CONTROL THE WORLD....and like i said previously, i think a nuclear missle can be halted WITHIN 5 FEET OF LAUNCH...I know they can....

Sunday May 7I spent a coupla hours emailing my book to various people…then the next day on the radio they said "don't be afraid to try again." Because I was getting kind of fatigued emailing…

A SONG came on that said "I will never be free" and It meant I will never be free…even to the death…

ANOTHER: "There's always something there to remind me" (my pinky If yanno what I mean).

IRAN and Nuclear Weapons - all they have to do Is burn a circuit In the bomb - they can do It, I KNOW…Iran could make a nuclear weapon and all we have to do Is burn a circuit.

TALK SHOW - DJ got a breast Implant but she's saying her boobs are growing even more - I kinda wonder If my voices are responsible for that…because i've seen it happen before...

Song - "the first cut Is the deepest" and It made me think of a chick who self-mutilated that way…I'd never do It, but I'm kind of Intrigued about the whole thing…

TALK SHOW - they mentioned a person who was "angolan" and Immediately I came up with "go anal"

TALK SHOW - mentioned the word "moving" about 8 times which has always worried me because I'm afraid to have to move.

While doing the stairs they gave me a really bad sign and I coped with my old "In the booty" stuff and It worked…

Z-12 Mid-MayTalk show – said to me, “you hippie freak, you hippie freak!”

Then they said, in like 10 seconds, “Lung cancer, heart failure, deathbed.” Three negative things in ten seconds, damn…

I was worrying about Nicole and they immediately said “I knew this was going to happen…”

Then I heard “Love is waking up to the person next to you and wanting to make them happy” and that’s how I feel about Melinda…although It’s impossible for me to be happy…think a happy thought, get slammed by a negative thought…oh well, that’s the way it goes…

TALK SHOW – first of all I’m getting quite a lot of signs from talk shows…they’ve usually been a sanctuary for me, but as of late I keep hearing signs from them…

Then they said “Oxygen chamber” – the talk show mentioned this and I fixated on “oxygen” because they say I’m going to need oxygen some day and I don’t doubt it…

SONG: "It cuts like a knife, but it feels so nice" - more self-mutilation talk...like i said, i can't understand cutting yourself.

SONG: "Nobody baby" - horrible because it's like "no body" - like being just a head.

I was reading about the CIA in turmoil and the last sentence was "there's nowhere to go but up" yeah, it sounds nice but, as always, WHAT' IS THE NEXT SIGN?

TALK SHOW - the DJ said, "why are you trying to make my head explode?" which means something cause lately, i've felt "like my head was going to explode."

SONG - "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with" and i thought, "I'm not with anyone right now" and i figured it meant having sex with my voices later in the day...THEN a horn went off, as always, to punctuate the thought.

TALK SHOW - "don't you ever wake up thinking it's a blue and lovely day?" and i thought....mmmmm.....NO!

BECAUSE i know someone is in my head ever fucking second of my life....from the time i wake up til i go to sleep and sometimes even in my dreams...

TALK SHOW - they said "a really really expensive car" and i heard a car honk...as if i'll have enough money to buy a car...on the other hand, the DJ said "no."

I thought about it, but on my day off, sunday, i smoke but i don't get the pleasure from the cigarettes, they don’t relax me....on other days smoking relaxes me...but on sunday it really doesn't and i end up being stressed the whole day, waiting for monday program where for some reason i can smoke and get the satisfaction...

saturday night i was in bed with Melinda and i got the worst anxiety i've had in a long time, so i got out of bed and lay on the couch and was instantly relaxed...

Revolver sex: damn what a bitch, i'm just climbing the steps and my voices made me think of a gay thing and i ended up with having like 6 guys masturbating on me....and they were like a revolver because as soon as one finished, the next one showed up, in a revolver like pattern...son of a bitch...maybe if i think of chicks, the opposite will occur but who knows?

Well, still on the steps, i heard a person outside say "One in a million" and i thought, hey, well, maybe i AM.

Voices directly in my head said, "you're an all powerful brain" for what that's worth...

Thursday- i've thought about it and I'M NEVER HAPPY...

VOICES - i was tripping out and said (in my head) "I hear voices in my head" and my voices said it back,"i hear voices in my head" with an echo...

SONG: (PRINCE)"Let me tell you there's something else, an afterlife...where nothing ever happens...you can see the sun, day or night...cause in this life, things are much harder than the afterworld...this life you're on your own..."

It occured to me....I'M LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE, CRYING INSIDE...

RADIO - talking about mother's day - I thought, hi mom, thanks for having me, wish you didn't"

SONG: Stones - "sympathy for the devil" which makes sense because i kind of consider myself to be the devil, so give me sympathy!

Sometimes at home i'm watching tv and a LITTLE BIT relaxed and my voices interject "it's not so bad" and i believe it for like a nanosecond...then they say to me: ALL NIGHT LONG - meaning they'll make me say “it’s not so bad” in my dreams ALL FUCKING NIGHT LONG...but damn, it fucking is the worst fucking thing in the damn world...i'd trade places with ANYONE...Can you imagine waking up at nothing but voices (good or bad)…Going anywhere you go, from minute to minute, from second to second, blah blah…it’s a real burden and, as I’ve said, I feel the weight of the government on my shoulders or perhaps more like “In my head”.

SHOCK TREATMENT - i'm going to do it...i think...while pondering this the radio said to me (a KISS song): "shock me, make me feel better"...hell that makes me WANT to do it!

My voices are trying to talk me into crossdressing….AGAIN! No matter what happens I won’t make an ass out of myself and go do it…”Hey darling going to make it happen” (they say thru a song).

TALK SHOW – talked about mini-skirts and red pumps….don’t look at me I ain’t doing it….

NOW they are saying go shopping (for chicks stuff) with Melinda

ANYWAYS! My mind was just wandering until my voices interjected stuff about cross dressing AGAIN…for like 3 seconds…THEN I HEAR THIS SONG: “do it, do it, do it”

I saw a guy talking to himself and I thought “I only do all MY fighting vs. my voices in my head. And it’s a real hassle….fighting directly in my head…

SONG: “It’s time to move forward” this is interesting because I’m checking Section 8 to see if somehow I could buy a house…someone told me I could but I’m thinking “a house on social security??”

Z-13, STILL MID MAY

SONG: (MORE CUTTING STUFF) "The first cut is the deepest"

Outing to American Indian Festival - this day is FILLED with U Haul trucks everywhere i go...I don't know, that covers it...U haul trucks stand for "Move" (out of my apartment...)

I'm seeing a lot of wheelchairs and scooters...the ONLY good thing is that if i'm incapacitated hopefully i'll be in a scooters instead of a wheelchair but, damn, that's not much comfort...

A threat to my daughter - i see babies everywhere (my daughter is pregnant)...

Another scooter came by...and, damn, directly between the festival and the bathroom i saw another u haul...

Better a scooter than a wheelchair...

What a bitch, but the crowd is responding to my thoughts (for awhile)...

Indian Dancers are singing something like "hi ho" and it makes me feel like they are saying "Hi, ho" meaning "Hi whore" ( to me)...

Like i told greg, the music was SOMEWHAT smoothing because there area few words (to get messages)...but it sounds sexual because they go slow and then faster and faster and faster....

SEX STUFFThe announcer mentioned the "love flute" and i thought of my weiner...then i winked or something at Melinda and she got it immediately and we both giggled about it as the announcer kept saying it (Love flute).

HOME FROM THE OUTINGWhat a bitch! My voices gave me an "electronic" headache and it was an unusually tough one at that...NOTHING solved it...advil...pillows, nothing...about an hour and a half...and at the same time my pinky started acting up...double torture...well with the "pinky" thing it reminded me of my daughter because SHE is having headaches...so the message was kind of like, "this is what's happening to your daughter" A REAL SON OF A BITCH MOMENT!

PINKY THING - about a week ago the "pinky" thing (threat to my family) was going on and a song came on that said "linger around my finger"....and then NOW, i'm getting the pinky thing and at the same time, while reading the paper, i saw in the paper the word "Linger" exactly as i was feeling it...

IT'S A THEME but my head AGAIN feels like it's going to explode...

SONG: "You're unbelievable!" flattery will get you no where...as in, they are saying i'm unbelievable...no more unbelievable than they MAKE ME....

TALK SHOW - they said "liver damage" and, just when i was whispering this into my handheld voice recorder they punctuated the thought, saying "absolutely."

DAMN...my girlfriend (in 1980) was working at "big brother's" and i'm wondering, was it happening at that time? basically i think it was....(yanno, big brother's as in Big Brother."

ANYWAYS, i keep hearing the term "mayo clinic..." i guess because i sent them an email....the last time i was walking by a TV and they said it....

TALK SHOW – Tuesday May 17 – I was tuning around and I hit upon a station just when it said May 31…bad sign because my mom died in 1989…May 31st.

SONG (Beatles) came on and it said, “we just want to change your head.”

SONG – “I used to love her but it’s all over now” – so I thought about a girl or two (but not Melinda!)

And after that particular song the DJ said “but it’s all over now.” Which for a microsecond I thought maybe it IS over (voices/radio/tv/newspaper talking to me)…but it just continued regardless…

Sometimes I’m feeling ambitious about my book thing…and my voices will say “your book is going nowhere” (3 times)…then I’m just about to give up and they’ll say “don’t stop” which morphed into a song which went “don’t stop thinking about tomorrow, don’t stop it’ll soon be here.” As if, keep going on the book….

While on the steps I thought, I’m feeling a little bit happy…BUT THEN they reminded me of a family member with a useless arm (motorcycle accident) and it zapped me into reality, that being, life sucks…

Oh we had a group on “optimism” vs. “pessimism”…basically I’ve decided I’m a “realism” person. Again, life sucks and I have to get used to it…What is my future? Barring some kind of miracle it’s a slow and painful death….THEY'VE MADE THAT PERFECTLY CLEAR...

Monday Jennifer and I walked to Long's drugs to develop pictures and, damn, i'm always particular about my weight, and there was a guy in there dressed like me and 25 pounds heavier...this just pissed me off and i left the store...it was kind of like "This is going to be you..."

RADIO (TALK SHOW) – CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS! THE DJ SAID “IT’S THE 21ST CENTURY AND WE’VE GOT MENTAL TELEPATHY!

“I Believe in miracles you sexy thing” Like, I always say, “I need a miracle” But they’ve watered it down quite a bit when you hear it sometimes…because I DON’T BELIEVE IN THEIR VERSION OF MIRACLE…I need the biblical version of miracles, not just some dj or song blurting it out….

SONG: (ROD STEWART) – Calling me ugly…in the lyrics to this song: ”because with a face like that you don’t have nothing to laugh about”

“You’re not getting older, you’ve just become a classic” – sounds nice…

RADIO – (KGB) – “This is your station” and I kinda thought, I have like ten stations talking to me…so I’m thinking ALL of the stations are mine…

COMMERCIAL “How would you like to leave it all behind?” and I’m thinking “yeah! I’d like all forms of media to STOP talking to me!… TV, RADIO, NEWSPAPER etc…including your generalized paranoia when going out in public…

CLIMBING THE STEPS – the sun is kind of peaking out and I’m wondering it it’s THEM…because I KNOW they can blow holes in clouds…and I WONDER if they can make the wind blow?

MONEY – I broke down and gave a guy a quarter for cigarettes or something…then I walked back to the steps and this song came on: (Pink Floyd) – “money, so they say, is the root of evil today.”

I think the the President is being controlled! Because he was on a mountain bike and fell off…because this is exactly the kind of thing my voices would do.

TALK – mentioned the song, “hallelujah it’s raining men!” and I had gay thoughts for a couple of seconds…

Z-14 LATER MAY

I noticed the word "star" is in the word TRASH...the meaning? They are sarcastically calling me a star...and are insinuating i'm going to be digging in dumpsters someday...

This is interesting but, with a "beam" of electrons they could instantly knock out any satellite in orbit....say you have an enemy satelllite, well you get it...

WEDNESDAY - was a real irritble day....i thought maybe i missed my morning meds but no...too much coffee? no...just irritible...it started with radical anxiety in the morning waiting for the van....and, the usual cure, cigarettes, didn't work...I'm just hoping this doesn't continue...and it ended up with a dispute with a girl named Tammy...

TALK SHOW - humiliation time...the DJ's started talking about expensive homes and immediately i heard a car alarm go off...as if i'm going to be able to buy one someday...and the alarm kept going for about 3 minutes and i bought into it...THEN, the humiliation moment came when i heard two people laughing their heads off...oh, not only that, while i was typing this up the channel eight newscasters started laughing their heads off TOO...

ANYWAYS! my voices told me i'm their sex slave...

TALK SHOW - "you've got a haircut more appropriate for a guy ten years younger."

AGAIN! i've got this "head explode" feeling again...it's become a recurring theme and it totally sucks...i feel like i'm going to get a stroke...

CAREN On thursday she asked how i was doing and i said..."Oh, i'm ok." when actually i was feeling pretty darn crappy....

MADONNA SONG: "A world i want to conquer and deliver and despise" which pretty well sums it up...i totally agree with it...

U HAUL TRUCK ("move sign") - well i always see them but on thursday we were passing one parked on the street and i looked away but it didn't help because THEN i saw the reflection in the window...damn...

SONG - Sometimes when i hear this song i disagree with it...but not this time...it goes "You've been working too hard and that's a fact" and yep i've been working pretty hard for the last two days...

GETTING HOME - upon arriving home i saw a guy contorting himself and, for a second it looked like he had only one leg and it scared me because my voices always tell me i'm going to get a leg cut off...

Commercial – it said “shopping” and it sounded like “shopping cart” (like I’m going to be pushing a shopping cart, as in homeless)…

TALK SHOW “You must have a mental problem” (that hits home).

SONG: “It took awhile for me to learn, I’m at the point of no return”

TALK SHOW – they were talking about sperm (some chick wants to get pregnant and she said “ ewwwwww.” Then as I was walking the steps I looked to the right and “saw” a hand dropping with cum…

Same talk show, they said “5150” (mental case)…

They were talking about the gay pride parade and then I heard a honk…as if I’m gay, as I said I’m as gay as technology makes me…

Now my voices are telling me that everything I’ve wrote down today is B.S….THEN I heard a car honk to punctuate the thought…(like 5 times)…

BUT it’s true! Because they lie to me every fricking day! So I hear messages saying OTHER messages aren’t true…damn…

BAD SIGN – they said “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” and I immediately got scared for me daughter…

RADIO “you’re not a genius, you are mentally retarded” which is weird because they call me a genius from time to time…

Later on, a chick from awhile back, who I had sex with, well I started to hope she’d come back to program…I’d like to screw her again…THEN I thought, “damn, I’ve got Melinda!” and I immediately stopped thinking of the other chick…

SONG - the song “stairway to heaven” came on (it’s my ultimate song)…and as I was listening sirens started and got closer, louder and louder as the song went….to where I heard “and she’s buying a stairway……to heaven…and the sirens subsided….

Oh yeah, I was listening to a talk show when “stairway to heaven” intruded on the station. That’s how I knew it was playing, so that I could change the channel to find it.

SONG – “You’re dead on your feet” which was true because I’d been on the steps for over an hour.”

SONG – “you know you’re never gonna stop moving” (as if I’m going to have to move)…

SONG “dream until all your dreams come true” as if my book deal will be successful…but yanno, I’m really tired of trying…

HEAD EXPLODE – More of the “feel like my head is going to explode stuff”….this has become a daily occurrence…I hope I don’t have a stroke because it sure feels like it…

Twilight zone (wishing into a cornfield episode), a guy becomes just a jack in the box head, nothing else, just a head....and his name? DAN!

Saturday I was looking at a clown's head, just a head, when a helicopter flew over...helicopters mean “chopper” (head off)…

OUTING TO CHULA VISTA ART SHOW - I saw a guy wearing the same colors i was...but he was in a wheelchair...damn....

A lady walked by me, talking to someone else, and she asked "how's your daughter?" Because i'm ALWAYS worried about nicole (my daughter)

Then i saw this big fat guy with nice breasts....manboobs yanoo....because they CAN give a man breasts...and make a chicks tits bigger...

Someone walked by me and said "careful"...

A threat to my dad's wife...her name is suzie and i saw a chick that looked JUST LIKE HER but in crutches....i wouldn't doubt if somewhere down the line i find out she IS in crutches...

HOT DOGS - I saw a "Hebrew National hot dogs" stand and thought about it but didn't want to spend the money....well, a couple of minutes later i saw a guy walk by, about 400 pounds....wearing a "Hebrew National hot dog" smock...as if i'm going to be that fat.....

A pretty chick was holding up a tiny dog and i felt like it was her holding me...then she knelt down and kissed it and i was touched...

IN THE MORNING - oh, it was tough! This morning, while at home waiting for day treatment to pick us up (me and melinda), i got this incredible anxiety...now, i get anxiety, yeah, i live it, but this was terrible...i chain smoked (which usually helps) but nothing worked...i COULDN'T GET COMFORTABLE! To cope i tried just laying totally prone but it didn't work. Then the van pulled up and I got in...But i JUST COULDN'T relax....a girl got on and asked for a seat next to me and i just told her no, like 4 times til she sat down next to somebody else...See, i was laying my legs across the seats, taking up two spaces...and with the tiny bit that helped, i didn't want to let her sit down. Later i felt really bad for not letting her sit down, but at the time i needed to sit like this....this "anxiety beam" was WAY worse than the usual "anxiety beam" that i'm used to, the one that makes me chain smoke...

Things calmed down like 50% when i got there....and i survived....but it was a tough morning..

RADIO (while in van on the way home) - "we, here at (some hospital) are right behind you, live long and thrive."

SUNGLASSES - I got these nice 99 cent store sunglasses and realized they were there JUST FOR ME....but it was a doublecross, because when i wore them they kind of cut into my face...they were way too tight...so...instead of a gift it was a double-cross...

AFTER THE OUTING - afterwards my voices said (concerning the radical anxiety) "oh that wasn't so bad" and i'm like "BULLFUCKINGSHIT!" When they said that i said, with incredulity to Melinda "they are saying it wasn't so bad!" But Melinda knows, because she saw me suffering, smoking away...laying flat on the ground TRYING TO GET CALM...RELAXED, whatever...sonofabitch....

MONDAY MAY 22ANYWAYS! Lately my voices have touched my heart occasionally, just a tingle…and I say “TAKE ME TAKE ME!” hoping my voices will finish me off…I guess I’m not suicidal but if I was assisted this way…I’d just tell them to take me out…

TALK SHOW well there is this pretty 21 year old I know…she’s talked about strip teasing in front of me…and she’s bisexual…and when I hear this song I think about her:

“Dontcha wish you girlfriend was hot like me, Dontcha wish she was a freak like me.”

Well, I’ve thought of her when I hear this song, and I tuned to a talk show and they played this song (with the DJ’s actually doing the singing…) This was AFTER I heard the original….like I said the dj’s were singing it and it was’t the regular song…

Five months ago my sister called me a loser and, hell I thought, how can I be a loser when I’ve got 13 radio stations talking to me!

ANYWAYS! My voices are funning with me, as if my book will be a hit…I heard “wells fargo, the next stage.” As if the next stage is a bank load of money. Get it? Isn’t this a stupid way to look at things??? But THEY LIE TO ME LIKE 20 TIMES A DAY.

I was listening to some station and, for one damn second another stations covered it up with the word “TRIM.” As if I’ll be trim…(P.S., as I was typing this last sentence someone said “Nope.” NOW I won’t be trim they are insinuating….

After that anxiety attack I had on Sunday, I had a watered down version of it on Monday morning….god I hope that continues…

ANYWAYS! I gave it another shot, quitting smoking...so i was tuning around and damn, i tuned around and a MEXICAN station said to me "dos cigarettos"...even the mexicans don't want me to quit lol...

SONG: "I'm not half the man i used to be" which, in my weird world means "cut off my legs" (get it? HALF the man i used to be)...

QUITTING SMOKING - I gave it two hours til i caved…just as I lit up a cigarette, I heard the lyrics to a song saying: “I just can’t make it.” So basically they controlled me to the last second…

Oh, before I smoked the first cigarette, ...they gave me one of the oldest jokes....I was fighting cigarettes and my voices said "don't! then they said "stop!" then they said, rapidly, "don't stop, don't stop" (meaning, don't stop smoking)....

AGAIN with that anxiety on Sunday....see, riding home or to program in the van is anxiety provoking...and it's helped after i get off and light a cigarette...not cured but helped...but damn, that anxiety was so all-consuming and even a cigarette didn't help one iota...THAT WAS TOUGH...THAT WAS TOUGH....

ANYWAYS! I had a bad sign and I went for that old coping skill from a little ways back…that being I LET them screw me in the booty…then they said, something like…”Hey,l that’s the first time today !(to do that), It’s been awhile.”

SONG: “we are the champions of the world” and my sister called me a loser a couple of months ago, and this song continues with “No time for losers cause we are the champions of the world…”

Oh, this occurred to me…last Thursday and Friday I was irritable…I’m guessing there is a “irritable” beam…which went away as of late…an irritable beam, meaning my voices are aiming at a specific part of my brain that causes it…

On the van on the way home I saw some words jumbled up and I came up with “Dyke” and now they have a new “sign” for me, that being “Dyke” Lesbian, duh.

TUESDAY – may 23….AGAIN I woke up with that horrible “anxiety” beam, anxiety attack if you will…damn….i lay prone, my whole body touching the floor….didn’t know what else to do…god I fucking HATE that feeling….

ON THE STEPS, Tuesday may 23rd – The radio is talking to me (EVEN A TALK SHOW DOES NOWADAYS) and they are talking about expensive, expensive houses…as if I’m going to be in one…I did the “Teflon” thing, I just let it bounce off me because I believe it… NOT!

RADIO – “the latest technology in headache medicine” – this makes me feel like it’s a sign that I’m going to get a headache…

Bayview – I saw a super thin guy riding through Bayview and I thought “I wish I was that thin!” and then my voices said “give it time, give it time.”

SONG “it’s a heartache, nothing but a heartache” which makes sense because occasionally my voices “touch” my heart, and I say to them, “just take me, just take me! Just take the fuck out of me!”

Z-15 LATE MAY

SONG ON RADIO “Don’t believe the church and state believe me I’m with high command” – Now the initials are High Com Mand are “HCM” which usually morphs into “CMH” which morphs to Cut My Head (and keep me alive) but I feel like the song is saying they are the High Command….and i wonder....

SONG – “I’m every woman, I can read your thoughts right now” and I kind of wonder if every damn girl I see when in public is actually the SAME WOMAN (inside).

THURSDAY, 24TH OF MAY - I was on the steps when I realized there was a song in my head….so I turned on the radio because, if i'm listening to songs in my head, i'd rather listen to the radio where I can at least PICK the song I like (if it’s a positive one)…..

Still on the steps, a guy walked by and I got a gay feeling…not sure how…damn these guys….

HELICOPTER (CHOPPER – as in chopper head off) came by flying real low, I think the ground shook….i just smiled and waved tho, inside I was kind of scared….

Still on steps...i saw a guy with his arm kind of behind him and it reminded of a family member with the bad arm....

A guy walked by and had his radio blasting and, i didn't know the words of the song but it sounded like "feel it in the butt"...i mean, the words just popped in my head...

HMMMMMM my mom suffered depression in 1968...went to the hospital....i really wonder if my "voices" came into effect back then...i wonder if they were monitoring me since then????? since i was 8 years old??? THEN, my voices gave me flashbacks and flashbacks and flashbacks for a couple of minutes, back to when i was eight years old....who knows?

TOUGH NIGHT - WEDNESDAY THE 24TH OF MAYVoices kept me up...usually i fall right to sleep..but they kept me up...I was listening to a christian stations (like i always do) but they gave me tactile stuff and made even a positive message seem negative...and i had the pinky thing going....

SO, i started to think about going to the hospital...laying there...i decided to listen to a "rain" CD....thinking about the hospital....fantasized about the details...having a roommate...can't shave whenever you want....cigarettes ONLY every three hours....just all the negative things involved when going to the hospital...so i fought it and fought it and fought it...and FINALLY i fell asleep...oh, i've decided, if this negative stuff pops up, i'll IMMEDIATELY go to a rain CD...

So the next day i noticed plants and trees, flowers, mountains, and nature, realizing, i COULD have been in the hospital but i'm not, and to appreciate God's work.....

When it comes to dying the message i got was "horrible, horrible pain."

Grocery shopping on FridayWell it started good, i went to the pharmacy and there was no line...yay!

Went to bank to get a check register at the bank and only one person in line...yay!

headed over to wal mart...90% good altho the type of printer ink i wanted just didn't happen to be in stock...YEAH RIGHT...

headed over to the produce store....went very well...

so i'm like, hey, i'm 4 for 4 when it comes to the shopping experience...

SO, i went to the 99 cent store and this is where it got bad...BAM! i'll do my best but it is tooooo hard to explain the details because they happened SO FAST....second by frickin' second....

a guy walks in in crutches...now i've broken my right leg twice already (i consider them "hits)..so i'm like, are you guys going to break my leg AGAIN??? all i know it was pissing me off, shit...

so i'm walking down the damn aisles and i must have run into him 3 times (at least)....right there, wherever i was...every 3 minutes or so...

ANYWAYS! so i finally get to the line and it was LONG...stuff kept getting jammed into my head literally second by second....finally i started yelling in my head (i told melinda this)...what the fuck do you want????

so i was thinking about giving money to melinda so i could go outside and light up...but i wasn't sure if i had enough money so i couldn't do that....(i wanted to add up the cost to make sure if i even had enough money...)

so i hung in there and hung in there....i DID go outside for a quick smoke but then i came back to pay for the bill....

And, fucking A, a damn homeless guy asks for some money and, perceiving that...either he's in on it, or he's a visual hallucination (either way) and he's there just to piss me off and i just told him no...

So that's what happened on friday (grocery shopping day)

NEXT!Checked my watch and it was "11:44" (police code for death).

TALK SHOW - the DJ said "Mrs. Hamilton." Me and my wife used to live on Hamilton so this is kind of a threat to her....

ON THE WAY HOME - I again experienced a "wall of darkness"...this is a bitch...it's like, in seconds, things all go wrong...negative, bad stuff...so far it's gone away after a bit...this has been happening maybe twice a week...ultra scary

I dunno, for some reason i was thinking of some guy...thoughts jammed into my head...and i heard the song "if i can't have you, i don't want nobody baby." how gay are they fucking making me???

DJ - i don't remember the context, but they said "you know they are going to kill you?" to which i thought "old news."

DJ - some guy won a trip to hawaii...he said he was going to oahu for 3 days and somewhere else for 6....i couldn't hear what island he said but it sounded like "natalie" a threat to my sister's daughter...Oh i know, is there a island there actually named hawaii? cause that could sound like natalie...

DJ - had a guy on who was a "Long term fan" but it sounded like lung term fan (like in lung cancer or something...)

As for this book....it's a book only a psychologists/psychiatrist could love lol....

HMMMM....talking to dr saben about the TV talking to me....well i have a vulcan mind meld situation with the channel 8 news...and Dr Saben asks "what about someone with you for a reality check?' so i told me it was in my brain...and he says, oh, you realize it's in your brain?" but the point was, it's a co mingulation of MY BRAIN and the news teams brains...I can't like say to melinda i was thinking of x and they responded with Y. Because by the time you finish with a thought versus response there on to the next thing...on the other hand, sometimes you go without the "response" thing for a couple of minutes...then other times you KNOW it's happening...

THIS IS TRIPPY - A "this is your life" moment...fifteen years ago i used to call myself "Data" just as a joke..." (Data, the robot in star trek)...i swear sometimes i feel like i could bust open my forehead and find electronics LOL... SO, i was listening to a talk show (remember, talk shows used to be my sanctuary, to hide from the lyrics of songs)...and they started talking about "data" and, thinking back, it just made me laugh...i'd forgotten all about the "data" deal until now...

ON THE STEPSWhile doing the steps i was totally thinking of shock therapy....trying to decide....asking for the radio to help me decide...i'm going to ask my sister...she already said no...my cousin says no....jennifer says yes....it's way hard to decide...

Heading over to get some coffee, away from the group i just had 3 signs which is pretty good, including a guy with a star on his shirt. Now 20 years ago i would think "oh, i'm going to be a star (star on shirt)" but now it's like sarcastic like "you'll be a star, yeah right."

Hey this is wild, i'm walking alone here at balboa park and a guy nearby says "decomission" which sounds like they are going to let me retire...but, yanno, i KNOW it isn't true of course...

Went away from the group to pee and i was getting paranoia stuff...two guys who just happened to follow me into the bathroom.. Then again while walking back to the group...so i decided to hang with the group as much as i could...

Hmmmm, this is a bitch...somewhere i saw a newspaper and my mind instantly focused on the word "pain." cause i know i'm headed for a painful death...

Z-16 JUNEI was reading the newspaper and I read “hearing voices in your head used to mean trouble, now it means you are “technofabulous” as if I am – a bit of flattery

Leave it to beaver – June to Beaver – “God knows everything, God sees everything” and I thought my voices are like God because they know everything and see everything.

Tuesday, 30th of May – I got that awful anxiety this morning while waiting for the bus…for the 3rd time in ten days…it’s like, while waiting for the van I feel super anxious, one that doesn’t respond to cigarettes..the only thing that helped was to just lie prone on the floor with my face facing the floor…it’s really fucking tough to deal with but it finally goes away when I sip on my coffee in the van…although, on Saturday I was still anxious like this on the van, so I ended up laying sideways on the seat (taking up two spaces). That helped but this girl wanted that seat and I just told her no like 5 times and I feel like an asshole for doing that…It’s just that at that time I needed that seat.

STEPS TUESDAY - I was climbing the steps and a talk show said “family” and instantly I heard a beep from a car…not a loud one, just a “mini-beep.” Enough to get the message across….a threat to my family.

As for how long I’ll live, I heard a song on the radio saying “No time left for you.”

WEDNESDAY MAY 31On the way into day treatment, on the freeway, there was a pick up truck full of stuff...Something fell out of it and i asked someone what it was and they said a "sleeping bag"...well, this means i'll be homeless using a sleeping bag...and the initials for sleeping bag are S.B. B.S. means "it's not true" but B.S. backwards means "No B.S." So that's that....

COMMERCIAL "Put electrodes on your head and do computer work with just your thoughts...." Succinct...

I notice the word "Hope" is in the word "Hospice" so that blows up the positive meaning of "Hope."

As for the wall of darkness i heard my voices yell - (with an echo) "Wall of Darkness."

RADIO - "wait until you've lost your children and you have no money" (hell of a negative sign...)

TALK SHOW – at the end of a talk show the DJ said “I love your show!” I said, “thanks I love your show, too”

The ubiquitious helicopter just had to fly over me at day treatment. I hate that sign..that being “chop my head off.” Like CHOPPER (chop her) head off…calling me a chick…

BAD SIGN – I wasn’t listening to the radio for awhile, and when I turned it on, I immediately heard a threat to my daughter because the song was “sweet child of mine.”

BAD SIGN – A talk show played a game called “who’s going to hell” which is bad because my voices always tell me I’m going to hell – as if, cutting my head and torturing me…

SONG – this song sang “Back in Black” because today we get our first Social Security checks…

TALK SHOW - at the end of the one of their shows they shouted "we love your show" as if, my show....THANKS...

I hate this but i was walking, not listening to the radio....then i decided to listen and the first song came on was "sweet child of mine" (threat to my daughter)...

RADIO said "You are soooo hot, and you know it!" and i thought a) thanks and b) I DON'T KNOW IT

MORE CUTTING STUFF - "It cuts like a knife, and it feels so right" anyway, i just can't understand anyone cutting themselves...but my voices are telling me to cut my arms but it’s NO WAY…

MISSION BAY - on an outing i wanted badly to go to the beach but my voices said "don't go, don't go, NO B.S., don't go" well, I defied them and it went alright. WHEW!

MISSION BEACH - Well we went to my old glory days, mission beach, 1978, the exact spot where i used to hang out....i talked with Jennifer all about those days...

THEN, on the way home, i, in the van's radio, heard "Missing you" (Rolling Stones), which was poignant because in the summer of 1978 i visited my dad and fell in love with a girl named "Cindy" and, as I headed home, she told me she'll always remember me by that song...so my voices choreographed the situation....knowing, as soon as i heard the song i'd think of my love of '78.

The radio was talking suicide...i'm not suicidal but i was tuning around and i heard the DJ say "clear for a landing"...like jump off a bridge…

Talking to Saben – I told him I really really want shock treatment…it just reminds me, tho, I’ve been at 4 different bridges looking down and I just couldn’t do it…as for shock treatment I REALLY WANT TO DO IT, but I just can’t say that final “yes”.

I saw a friend today….it just started to rain and she said “you’re God!” I don’t think I can make it rain but I really believe sometimes my voices burn holes through clouds right around me…not like every day but sometimes…for example, I was sitting down once and the sun began to kick in…just in time for the radio to say “Here comes the sun, it’s alright.” Another funny thing is I occasionally see a van that says “weather modification.”

SHOCK TREATMENT – I talked to my sister and she’s against it…I really think she’d get mad at me if I do…so that hinders my decision…what does give me hope is this guy named “Michael” did it and he is so much better as far as I can tell….it can be pretty terrific…I want to do it. I want to do it.

TALK SHOW – the DJ said “Milk Duds and cancer” – then he said “brain cancer” which is a bad sign…brain cancer sounds scary because they are reading my mind 24 hours a day, for 21 years…with radiation…all that radiation sounds like it can’t be good…taking a toll on my head...

To me it seems like some of the brightest people go to day treatment...

PARANOIA - I consider my self as having "World Class Paranoia."

ON THE STEPS - I was in a rush to open a pack of cigarettes...and i opened my camera bag and found an opened pack...i wonder if my voices found a way to open it (for my convenience)....i wonder....like, maybe they came into my house and placed an open one in my camera bag…just maybe. Because I don’t remember opening it.

WEDNESDAY JUNE 7 - I had that radical anxiety in the morning...laying out, prone, helped....but smoking didn't even help as usual, because this was tougher than the "cigarette anxiety."

I was just going around the dial when I heard a song going “you’ve been working too hard and that’s a fact” which is so true as of late…I’ve been working too hard!” because I’ve just been thinking, looking for signs all the time. It can make you weary…so weary…

GROCERY SHOPPING ON THURSDAY – It wasn’t too bad thank God….but, I yelled (in my head) to everyone around me “does ANYBODY want this job? Does ANYBODY want this? Because this can be SO FUCKING INTENSE…

ON THE STEPS (Friday 9) – My voices are telling me my mom (who died in 1989) is still alive…and that she checks up on me occasionally…and I have to wonder, I just have to wonder…

I Heard a commercial for Tylenol and I’m wondering if I’ll get a headache…

Z-17 JUNE (MID)

OUTING TO DEL MAR FAIRWOKE UP, SATURDAY (10TH) with that horrible anxiety…the one that cigarettes won’t help…again, I just had to lie prone on the floor, face down…I hate this new phenomenon.

ALSO, a radio guy said “some weird things are going to happen today”

So, I’m at the line at the fair and some guys says “he sees stuff” as in paranormally which I do.

People at some point begin to laugh at my thoughts…this comes in and out all day.

Some people in the group are eating food goodies and I thought about turning on my radio and immediately heard a crowd cheering. How weird.

ANYWAYS! So I’m in line at the del mar fair and in quick succession I saw three people in wheelchairs. like I’ll be in one. Not a good sign.

ENTERING THE FAIR – the first sign (an actual sign like on a board) that I saw were advertisements for wheelchairs and electric scooters… T-SHIRT – the first t-shirt I saw said “Old guys rule”…

A guy walked by and said “that’s the dude!” and another one said “he’s the granddaddy!”

I thought I lost my camera and instantly everyone around me started laughing…but I found it. Nyaaa nyaaa nyaaa.

I saw on old guy with a hat on…and I kind of thought “that represents me.” And just when I thought “represents,” over the loudspeaker I heard the same word, “represents.”

ANOTHER WHEELCHAIR – around six of them so far.

ANOTHER scooter…make that TWO SCOOTERS. (as if I’m going to be in one)

I saw a very large person….i was worried it would be me…but then someone said “it’s just joking, it’s just joking” Thank God.

ANOTHER SCOOTER son of a bitch…

ANOTHER WHEELCHAIR…

ANOTHER WHEELCHAIR…

Then I saw the ever-present helicopter (of course). CHOPPER, which means CHOP HER (cut my head off).

I saw an air plane with a banner…for insurance…a sign to “get a car”

As I read it, some guy next to me laughed as if it’s NOT a sign (to get a car).

Now some guy hits one of those things that go in the air…to judge your strength…and he hit one and and it says “97.” In police codes “97” means “arrived at scene” and it meant “I’ve arrived at the scene.”

We’re at a booth and a song comes on that says “You’re just what I needed.” As if Melinda is just what I need.

We ran into a stand for “auto trader” It’s a magazine selling cars…the meaning is…it’s time to look for cars…but I just laugh it off.

Now, I keep seeing scooters and wheelchairs, and FINALLY I decide MAYBE it’s a coincidence. JUST WHEN I THOUGHT OF THIS – BAMMM – a person on a scooter backed up into one of our people…to punctuate the thought….just when I figure the scooter and wheelchair were coincidences this happens just to prove they aren’t coincidences. Damn.

Also to prove it, I went 20 minutes without seeing one. So my voices can turn it on or turn it off as they want.

ANOTHER scooter…then to my right, a wheelchair…one totally cut across our path…TOO MANY for a coincidence…to the left, to the right…

WHEELCHAIR – cutting me off, right in my face. I must have seen 6 wheelchairs and scooters in 20 seconds..

TWO scooters, one on the left, one on the right...with people laughing...and there was one blocking my path. damn..

Then a guy with a great big beer belly (as if that's going to be me)....another damn.

BIG, FAT lady on a scooter (don't let it be me!)

LEAVING THE FAIR...i heard a girl say "guardian angel". sounds good..

I was talking with Melinda, saying to her "i'm weary, i'm weary" when a guy walked by saying "that's true, that's true."

BOTH WAYS - when i see a hot chick i think (at first) that she's hot...then i think, i wish i was thin like her.

I saw another scooter when i heard someone say "that's good" which i don't know how the fuck that would be good.

SHOCK TREATMENT - I'm going to see if my sister would be OK with it....but she won't...

VOICES - they told me they could block sunlight and at the same time give me kind of like a chemical peel (with radiation). I finally gave up after a couple of months and i'm back to a hat and sunblock.....

THEN, YOU NEVER KNOW! because the very next day i read an article that said 15 minutes of strong sunlight a day gives you a major dose of beneficial vitamin D. and that it HURTS to slather on sunblock...just after i'd spent months deciding sunblock or not.

RADIO - they blurted out, "mind control" and said "It's very easy to do".

WALL OF DARKNESS - a couple of times a week...the whole world feels negative for awhile...

TALK SHOW - I was listening to a talk show and a song came on (at the same time) that I liked. It was just for me. So I tuned around and found it and listened to it.

TALKING TO GREG - i have anxiety in groups which is alleviated by smoking...which, like i always say, is why i chain smoke...and the step climbing helps...altho the benefits of the steps stops working after about 15 minutes....

COMMERCIAL - i was listening to a commercial when a voice from another channel said "looking sharp" which, yeah, is good but it's a bitch having to analyze every thought or sign you have....

SONG - "she works hard for the money, so hard for it honey, so hard for the money so you'd better treat her right" which is succinct because I WORK HARD FOR THE MONEY!!

WALKING THE STEPS - I was thinking of a joke to tell this guy, and i was setting it up when the radio said "SHUT UP" as if it was a stupid joke (which it was).

WALKING THE STEPS - Armored truck parked next to PHP...as if I'M going to be rich...but just thinking about it made me weary.

THURSDAY – I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show and I felt like it was totally talking to me…it was a very spiritual feeling..they sang a song that said “You’ve still got it.”

The way I see it I have a love-hate relationship with my voices…sometimes they love me and sometimes they hate me…

When they hate me It can be a real sonofabitch…when they “love me” it’s always like, “oh you say you love me NOW” and now I’m just waiting for the negativity/hate to kick in.”

RADIO – sometimes I wonder if I’m listening tapes or if I’m REALLY listening to live radio…I mean it’s like EVERY FUCKING STATION is talking to me…even talk shows lately…so I test it…if the DJ says the time I check and see if it REALLY is that correct time.

RADIO – “don’t give in without a fight” – I’m figuring, it meant don’t give in to homosexuality…truthfully that’s not difficult because I LOVE chicks. I don’t want to do the George Michael route (he came out as gay). NOW they are screwing me while I climb the steps…

A SONG ON RADIO - About 40 minutes later, yep, of course, I heard a George Michael song on the radio. “I will be the one that loves you, til the end of time” which made me think of my voices….”I will be the one that loves you” til the end of time-til I die)

TALK SHOW – “You might have cirrhosis of the liver” a bad sign (obviously)

Z-18 – JUNE 16

THURSDAY JUNE 15- GROCERY SHOPPING - Well, the paranoia was OFF THE FUCKING HOOK! I was at WalMart and decided to check on the price of jeans...between wal mart and target it hit (3/4 of a block)...every one was talking but their words were aimed at me...people talking, cell phones...all aimed at me...during that walk people were giving me signs and it was down to the second...a thought, a thought, a thought...back and forth for about 10 minutes...second by second for ten minutes..figure your mind is racing right about now....and, yanno, i was outside and smoking (my usual coping skill)...wasn't giving me the relief it usually did...to understand...is try to think what it would be like to have your thoughts answered, second by second, for 10 minutes??...it's VERY claustrophonic....i'm outside and i feel like i'm in the middle.....of something...in the middle of the world....now this whole thing i can't explain as well as i want to because it was second by second..oh yeah, Melinda was with me during this 10 minutes and that didn't even help.

SO WEIRD! I’m looking at this cat (this whole thing was choregraphed) and he was walking away from me with his tail in the air and I’m looking at his booty and a song comes on radio saying “I’m just looking for some tush” – now THAT’S wild…

SOMETIMES when i get anxiety my voices say "ride it out, let it go through...it'll pass"

SATURDAY, OUTING (Imperial Beach) More anxiety "again, ride it out".

ON THE GOOD SIDE - i saw a choreographed situation - a few very good looking chicks...one of them i turned around just in time to see a major cleavage situation...i didn't have a choice, i just turned my head and there it was...i had no choice because it happened sooooo fast. I couldn't have stopped it because it happened so fast. Even if i didn't want to see it was beyond my control. Although if I think they might be underage I often try to avert my eyes as quickly as possible...

I walked to the pier and i heard (in the waves!) "HOOK" (from the left hand side) and "KER" (from the right hand side)...it came out like "HOOKER"...then i walked over to the POW WOW and suddenly it occured to me that i once had sex with with a beautiful American Indian chick...From "hooker" to Pow Wow to Indian hooker...isn't it weird the way they do things??? by the way, i was with this chick in 1984...

ANYWAYS! I heard some kids yelling "dad, dad" and it kind of sounded like "dad, fat" (i'm fat).

At the POW WOW someone yelled "45 minutes" and it meant suicide because "45" (in the police code) means suicide...

I saw a ton of hot chicks on the outing...they were there JUST FOR MY BENEFIT...

I saw a girl with "the ultimate cleavage.” I turned around just in time to see that.

Then i had to see a guy on crutches....as usual, that'll be me....they already broke my right leg twice!! FUCKING A...Yanno what? When the orthopedist did the final check of the first time I broke my leg he said it had healed very good. A football player once had this injury and the orthopedist said if HIS leg had healed as good as MINE, he could still play (his injury was career-ending).

at the end of the outing we had wrap up and I sat down. Then i just HAD TO SEE A U-haul truck, which, as always means "to move."

I was with Jennifer and the way her legs were crossed it looked like she had part of her leg missing (my voices tell me they are going to cut a leg off).

AGAIN! On the outing i had the "head exploding" feeling again...

I was walking down the sidewalk and (just in time) some guy opened his car door, blocking my step...at a whim i decided to make it a sign to get a car...although if i think of it i'm sure i could make it into a bad sign (or two)...to cope i'm deciding to go to the next thought and not fixate on what that one COULD mean...

SATURDAY POW WOW - i had to see him, a big fat guy in a scooter (as if it'll be me).

GOOD SIGN - i glanced to the other side of the freeway and I saw a stretch limo (as if i'll be in one...yeah, i know it's B.S. but it's still a nice sign...

SONG - "you might never get rich but it beats digging a ditch." (I’ll never be rich)…

ON THE WAY HOME from Imperial Beach, boom, we ran into a U HAUL parking lot...it just had to happen...i mean i'm staring at 20 U-haul trucks, what a bitch...

I still wonder if my voices can blow holes through clouds....

Sometimes i really feel the sun hard and i wonder if my voices can bleach my hair blond with radio waves...

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - a couple of months ago when this movie came out i was kind of worried about breaking my back ("broke back")...then my cousin was in an accident and DID break his back....sonofabitch....

So, yeah my cousin was in a serious auto accident...he broke his neck, ribs and back. I think it's my fault or more like, my voice's fault....the latest is that he should be able to walk, which is scary because i wanted them to say he will be able to walk. this government is really out of control...and i'm worried...whatever happens to him means something worse will happen to me...i want them to kill me in my sleep as opposed to a long painful death...but they wouldn’t be nice enough to do that…

VOICES - they said about my cousin "he's going to be alright duechebag" pleaaaaze be true for once !!

One of the clients had a broken leg and i blame it on me...and while climbing the steps i saw someone pushing a wheelchair which isn't a good sign. My cousin is in the hospital…I wish it was me instead…well my voices said “some day.” That’s a bitch…

As for people following me around....i really think they are following me..and i don't think they are visual hallucinations. they are toooooo real.

OUTING TO A WOODIE CAR SHOW - well the woodies didn't show up but i thought about "Car Show" and came up (jumbled) with "Ow - Crash" (my cousin)

On the way home from this outing it had to happen…we ran smack into a U Haul truck parking lot…there were like ten trucks on the left side of the street and ten trucks on the right…and we drove straight thru the middle (U Haul trucks mean to move)…damn.

ON THE STEPS– A song came on saying “this doesn’t mean I don’t love you, that’s forever” as if my voices love me…

SONGS AIMED AT ME:“I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but it’s too late”

“Make a joke and I will sigh, you will laugh and I will cry, happiness I cannot feel”

TALK SHOW - People are interested in you…you’re in the public eye, people are following you around.

TALK SHOW – they are saying “I’m a worker and that’s my job…I have no privacy…and I totally wonder if, while in public, people are taking pictures of me)…

As I said before, I listen to my radio a lot because if I don’t, I hear songs directly in my head.

COMMERCIAL – “we’ll make your whole life better” wishful thinking

I’m (of course) worried about my cousin and they said “he’ll be ok, ho (whore).

My voices are saying they love me, while, at the same time my cousin is in a hospital bed with tubes all over…

TALK SHOW said “are you writing a novel?” and I’m thought, yeah I’m writing a crappy ass book which no one seems to like…

SONG TALKING TO ME – “ain’t gonna hurt nobody” and, like I said, at the same time my cousin is in the hospital with a bunch of broken bones…

THURSDAY, JUNE 22 -RADIO – at one point every station was on commercial or talking…I knew it was a sign to turn it off for awhile…

With the radio off I heard a commercial in my head…”Home equity mortgage” as if I’ll have a house some day.

THURSDAY, JUNE 22 – radio was calling me old and gay…I’m cousin is suffering in a hospital and they focus on this??? Actually, I’m kind of glad they don’t totally focus on him because I’d be sooooo depressed…

TALK SHOW - “ No pain, easy, quick” (as if my death will be painless, easy and quick) but I don’t believe it…

TALK SHOW – talking about kidney stones…and enormous pain…so I have to look forward to THAT.

ABOUT COUSIN – “He’ll be okay ho (as in whore).”

Z-19 LATE JUNE

FRIDAY 23RD ON THE STEPS - "The first cut is the deepest" (they are telling me to cut myself and have been for awhile)...

I went to Long's Drugs to get pictures developed and, of course, i saw a shopping cart just leaving bayview...

BEATLES _ "Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be, the way that you're going you're going to crucify me." I think i know exactly what he was talking about..."

I went to the mailbox, Melinda on my mind and how i think she's going out with other guys...and some people were standing around and they said "go home and cry" (sarcastically).

OH, WHEN I FIRST GOT TO THE FAIR I THOUGHT - OMG, HERE WE GO, A PUBLIC APPEARANCE!

SATURDAY outing Ocean Beach Street fair...well, the "wall of darkness" kicked in for awhile...everything went negative for a few minutes...I (obviously) hate that...my voices told me to ride it out...and I did…

We were sitting down at the fair and there was a band playing in a bar and their lyrics said "could i get a witness?" (my cousin is a Jehovah Witness)...not a good sign...

CLEAVAGE SITUATION - now this was choreographed! i capture a glimpse of cleavage occasionally (controlled by my voices) and i mentioned it to someone and a few minutes later i saw a girl with nice cleavage and she TURNED AWAY just when the show was about to begin....

LOST! I got lost for a second...and i'm thinking "i can’t deal with life without other people as sort of a buffer!."

I kept seeing lottery tickets, as if i'll win the lottery but, yanno, with their help I COULD win the lottery...

MONDAY, JUNE 26th...i'm on my porch waiting for the bus when i see (damn) a homeless girl pushing a shopping cart. and the weird thing, she didn't look half bad...

VOICES TOLD ME - "You will never be homeless."

RADIO (talking to me) "just remember i love you and it'll be alright."

SONG (aimed at me) - "ain't it good to know you've got a friend?"

ANOTHER ONE AIMED AT ME - "when you feel like hope is gone, look inside and be strong, because a hero lies in you."

MADONNA - "if we took a holiday, took some time to celebrate, just one day out of life it would be so nice" that's how i feel because i wish i had a holiday from my voices....they don't even take christmas off...

SABEN - we talked about dreaming. do i get a respite from my voices when i dream? actually, i have the occasional dream but mostly i don't remember them. it's funny, but i didn't believe in subliminal stuff but now i do because SOMETIMES when i dream, well, in the morning i don't remember them but then all of a sudden I see a sign and then i remember a dream in detail…

TALK SHOW –“you aren’t a genius, you’re mentally retarded!”

SONG (aimed at me) - "Private eyes they see your every move"

SONG – (aimed at me) "Money for nothing and your chicks for free" (then a car honked, as always, to punctuate the song...

SONG (aimed at me) "there's "NO ONE Like you, i imagine the things we'll do, i just want to be loved by you" (co masturbation for later)

OUTING - BALBOA PARK - the first thing, a sign, was that i saw a kid who looked like a family member (james)...a threat to him...

ANOTHER james siting..

ANOTHER ONE!

I saw a filipino that looks like an ex girlfriend (cathlean)...i'm thinking they are telling me to go out with her....

THEN i saw an ambulance and a fire truck....kind of like a warning...

ANOTHER GUY who looked like James..

ANOTHER cathlean siting...

OSCAR - I don't know what he was talking about but he said "a lot of surveillance" and it made me think about my voices....a lotta lotta surveillance...

WIND - i really wonder if my voices can make wind...

At Balboa Park... there was a guy next to us doing "tai chi" and he was just pissing me off..because I KNEW he was there to bother me and he wouldn't leave....I kept trying to figure out what the sign was.,...well, at 1pm we did yoga and, in the background he was playing a flute, and together it seemed like he was serenading us...so THAT'S what the sign was, playing the flute for our yoga...

Oh this guy at one point was shaking her right leg and that meant to me, i'm going to get my right leg cut off...

well, going to coffee there was a girl with a hat exactly like mine....it kinda meant "we're still here"

GOD, these people following me look SO REAL...and i think they are....whatever...

SATURDAY, art museum...while i left there were two ushers and they said "pretty sexy today isn't it? They were talking to each other but it was aimed at me...

ANYWAYS! I was getting bored so i decided to take a walk by myself, scary but the way the signs were going i thought i could handle it...

SO! 20 feet away i saw a guy in a t-shirt that said "old guys rule"

Then i saw strollers (my daughter nicole is a new mom)...

Then some guy said "hey hey hey, look look look" but i refused to look...

SOMEONE said "are you hungry?" and i thought, no, i just ate lunch.,..

Then i heard people laughing at my thoughts...

I saw more filipinos and it reminded me of a girl named cathlean who i'm trying to score on....maybe this sign means "go for it.”

Then i saw a girl who looked like my dad's wife, suzie (a threat to her)???

ART MUSEUM - my voices were "shooting" my legs so that i would get tired and want to sit down and when i did, some guys butt was right in my face blocking my view...UMMMM, NO THANKS!"

I SAW (like i will need one) a big fat girl in a scooter...

a guy who looked like a FATTER me (like i will be him).

LADY - broken left arm? (me someday?)

DAMN, a guy with TWO canes, one on each arm....

A guy who only said "over the...."; and i thought, the hill? the top?

ANOTHER fat guy who looked like me..

I'm still by myself and there was a momentary lull...I could relax for a minute...for 3/4 of a block...it felt nice...i was in the shade...yay!

A lady talking to another said "she's smart sometimes, and sometimes not" meaning me....

OH, the, (what a bitch) i saw a van like my cousin's, the one he crashed in...

ANOTHER cathlean chick (looking good)...

I saw a person who looked like my dad, the hair and features....threatening him...

TAI CHI GUY - I KNOW! he was doing some pathetic music and he was bent down and i realized, the sign is i'm going to lose my hair!

Some guy walked by me, trying to entice me and i thought, "hey, go to hell!"

SOME MORE of people responding to my thoughts....

CATHLEAN - some guy said "i'm taken" and it's as if Cathlean is taken...

by the pond i talked to a super beautiful blond chick....that was nice...and she was there JUST FOR ME....

Another person with a broken arm....(will it be me?)

Then i saw a duplicate of my sister (threat to her)...now i' know she was on a road trip but i took a CLOSE look anyway...omg...

LEAVING THE OUTING - directly in our path was a big black limousine...as if i'll be in one...i told jennifer when i saw it and she said "is that supposed to mean your going to be rich and famous?" and i said, "oh no, it's bullshit but i like the thought."

Z-20 JULY !!On a talk show a caller said “are we on the radio?” and the DJ said, “No we’re communicating via ESP” Pithy…

SONG AIMED AT ME“No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes”

“No one knows what it’s like to feel these feelings, like I do, and I blame you”

“No one knows what it’s like to feel hated, to be fated, to telling only lies”

“These dreams are empty as my conscious seems to be”

“I have hours only lonely, my love is vengeance, and never free”

OUTING WITH CATHEAN ON THE BUS…well I took a bus with a girl named cathlean and it was a bitch but I’m worried about losing her as a g/f if I DON’T go places with her….we’re going to go again on the bus to the mall but I don’t know what to do…what I intend to do is just be honest with her: “Cathlean, I JUST CAN’T GO PLACES WITH YOU!” it’s a bitch because I don’t think she’ll stay with me if I just tell her I can’t go….”CATHLEAN, I JUST CAN’T GO PLACES WITH YOU! I JUST CAN’T!” She is outgoing and gets around via the bus and I don’t think she’ll settle for just hanging around at my house. But I can’t do it….”CATHLEAN, UNDERSTAND!”

SO THAT’S THAT…

TALK SHOW – damn, they talked about an oxygen machine (I mean, I’m a chain smoker)…and they played the sounds of what an oxygen machine sounds like…bad fucking sign…

SONG (AIMED AT ME) – “Lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry anymore…”

“carry on wayward son,There will be peace when you are doneLay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more.”

TALK SHOW – A DJ was talking about being at a movie and there was a girl with oxygen behind him…and when it got to a quiet space in the movie he could totally hear the oxygen. And he was making sounds, like a person with oxygen…bad fricking sign like I’ll be using one someday, damn…

STEPS – I was doing the steps and some guys started playing a boom box and the song was “she works hard for the money, so hard for the money, so hard so you’d better treat her nice” as if I work hard for the money and, damn if it ain’t true….

SONG - “I wake up in the morning worrying, “what’s going to happen today?”

CATHLEAN – there is a girl named cathlean and she hasn’t called me in three days so I feel like it’s going nowhere…then I hear this song:

“It ain’t over til it’s over”

“come along for a fanstatic voyage” which totally sucks…

July 10 – I had that anxiety in my whole body which yeah, I hate/dread…even cigarettes don’t help..the only coping skill is to lay prone on the carpet….

OH YANNO what I noticed? On my days off I smoke but I don’t get the satisfaction…more like I don’t get the relaxation….i hate days off….i end up stressed all day (on days off) because I get that anxiety all day…

Someone said “plenty of power, that’s what it’s all about” NO FUCKING JOKE

SUFFERING – I put sunblock on and forgot to avoid my eyes…(choreographed)…so in group my eyes were burning and at the same time I got a damn headache…courtesy of my voices…

TUESDAY, 11th of July RADIO: “Have you heard about the lonesome loser? He’s a loser but he keeps on trying…” meaning, I work on this damn book; I keep on trying”

SONG – “like a complete unknown” and then my voices said (directly in my head) “DANNY, DANNY, DANNY” and then they said it echoing…

SONG – “I’m back, I’m nationwide” and I believe it to be true.,.

TALK SHOW: (said to me) “GENIUS OR INSANE?”

My voices could give me a vasectomy….if they wanted to...all done by radio waves…

12TH of July on the steps…my voices told me a lot of songs were written about me and I kind of believe it…and while I was typing this out someone next to me said “yeah.”

RADIO insinuated about gayness and for like 10 seconds I thought about going to a gay club…what a bitch…

SONG – “all I need is a miracle” which sounds good..

AT HOME – I heard some neighbors arguing and they said something like “get out of the closet”…as if I’m in the closet.

I WONDER – if they are sterilizing things so I won’t get sick…they could if they wanted to…for example, all of the doors at PHP and OPS, the handles of the toilet could be all sterilized…little bit of radiation…

REGIMEN FOR THE DAY:My day is totally regimented…First thing when I get home I read the san diego union and the LA times…at the same time I munch on two carrots, two apples, romaine lettuce, an orange….i totally wash each vegetable…Then I do cleaning, a little bit, Monday through Friday…Then I watch Oprah…Then I watch channel 8 news…At 5:45 I take my evening meds…At 6pm I watch an episode of either leave it to beaver, or seinfeld, or maybe the twilight zone (which I live in it!)I go to bed at 6:30…now, with this hot weather I put two pillows down and crash in the living room in front of the air conditioner…I do laundry every two weeks…every other week I wash the sheets…

A COMMERCIAL ON A RADIO STATION SAID “You sick bastard!”

TALK SHOW – talking about cervature of the spine…then I heard a fire truck…to drive the point home…reminding me to stand up straight.

COMMERCIAL – “don’t wait til you’ve lost your children and all of your money” a real fucked sign..

TELEVISION SHOW – “The facts of life, the facts of life, when the world never seems to be be living up to your dreams, the facts of life are all about you”

TALK SHOW – “if you didn’t have despair, you couldn’t have joy.” BUT I DON’T LIKE DESPAIR !

END OF THE DAY (TALK SHOW) They said “love your show!”

RADIO COMMERCIAL (for some kind of fund) they said “we’ll make your life a whole lot better!”

And within 20 seconds of THAT one I heard a commercial that said “expect great things!”

I noticed that if I peed in my bed it was Wet My Bed which equals WMB which backwards means BMW, as if I’ll be driving one…I KNOW it’s BS but it’s better than thinking death and destruction, huh? THEN I heard a commercial FOR a BMW…isn’t this weird?

Z-21 MID JULYJULY 15TH OUTING – first sign of the day: I saw a guy with a scooter…he went right by us and then made a u-turn, passing us by again…(sign=I’LL be in a scooter).

We went for some coffee and a crazy person walked by us yelling gibberous…it made me uncomfortable…

We passed a lady talking to another and she said “great minds think alike”…to me, of course…

Two pretty girls walked by and I heard them say something like…”let’s see who he likes the best”

We walked by and a guy did sign language saying “ugly.”

MADONNA a song came on by her saying “If we took a holiday, it would be SO nice, holiday!” and I thought about it and it occurred to me that TODAY WAS A HOLIDAY FOR ME” …not perfect but not bad…the only problem is I kept hearing this song in my head for 10 minutes or so and it became sarcastic…

HOUR OF POWER – it’s a Christian church and I watch it for inspiration…but even this can become negative because there was a song talking about “feeling God” and THEN (concerning feeling) they started screwing me in the butt…oh well.. they even had a song that, while they were singing it SOUNDED LIKE “hump me in the butt.”

OH THIS IS A PISS OFF- this guy at day treatment said “when are you going to work?” and I said, “unless there was a miraculous change in my voices, probably never” and he’s like “that’s a cop out” and I think, let him into my brain for five minutes and he’d not only understand, but would apologize.

Because my voices have invested TWENTY ONE YEARS of reading my mind and putting thoughts in it and I can’t believe that my voices would throw that all that away….

ANYWAYS, THAT REALLY MAKES ME MAD.

MONDAY JULY 17OH THIS day started out fucked…again I had that anxiety in the morning…which cigarettes can’t cure…the one where I lie prone on the floor….

WHILE DOING THE STEPS, (MONDAY JULY 17TH) I tried my damnest to NOT listen to the radio and it’s signs but after awhile I gave up because if I listen to songs over the radio I get to choose songs as opposed to hearing voices in my head….

HERE IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT I began hearing American Indian drumming in my head (with no “talk to me” lyrics)…and I listened to that for awhile…

SONG IN MY HEAD in my head I kept hearing “happy days are here again” which, yeah, it sounds like it would be nice but I perceived it at sarcasm..

It occurs to me…if they keep my head alive like they promise to…and I supposedly die…well when that happens, I wouldn’t know whether I was in heaven or hell, whether I was with God or just with my voices…I mean, they could ACT like god but I kind of will never know….i wouldn’t be sure if I was with God, or just voices MIMMICKING God…false heaven’s and hells…I would never know…or MIGHT never know…

I could see a beautiful beach and I’m thinking I’m in heaven…or they could torture me…sonofabitch…

SONG Here is a song that I should hear ten times a day: “paranoia may destroy ya” “you look so weird!”

SONG – I’m every woman, I can read your thoughts right now”

WEIRD while doing the steps I “saw” my sister, very subliminally…a threat to her…a bad sign

SABEN – “is it in here or out here (my voices)?” and I’m like it’s EVERYWHERE! I think it’s being done by satellite, actually…I mean you always hear about about satellites looking down and seeing license plates…Then I showed Dr. Saben an article about a guy who got implants and could play video games with his thoughts and Saben is thinking that the article is true (about using implants) whereas I KNOW it’s being done WITHOUT implants and can be done from afar…because it’s being done TO ME without wires…and the article is just a HINT…

THE NEXT DAY I had that damn anxiety AGAIN…in the morning, that one…

IRRITATED MOOD that damn fucking driver pissed me off and I had a real irritated day…why? Because she when to La Mesa via Lakeside…fucking A…and I’m so NOT looking forward to today’s trip…OH YEAH, then I heard a song come on going saying “I can’t wait, this is what I’m waiting for” and it meant I can’t wait for a damn cigarette…

IRRITATED DAY and I’m contemplating today being just as fucking bad…

TALK SHOW – I actually heard a DJ on a talk show say “mind control, (with an echo) mind control, mind control, very powerful, very easy to use”

I kind of feel like Howard Stern because lately I’ve got people I began to hate, kind of like him…truthfully tho, I don’t want to, it gives you a real bad feeling inside…

Today while doing the steps I suddenly realized I didn’t have my headphones…this entails to listening to voices directly in my fucking head, whereas with my radio I can CHOOSE the damn songs…

And, yanno, every 30 seconds I reached down to get the the headphones...

The only good thing was that I realized I was going to have a real productive day, book wise, yanno, getting a lot of signs…

Wild! I heard a song in my head and as it came to an end, a different song perfectly blended in…it was like the piano finished and then ANOTHER piano started perfectly in synche.

WALKING the steps…I heard an ambulance and I thought “what did I do now?” I just think it’s audible hallucinations 90% of the time so I don’t feel so bad.

What a bitch…I started thinking about my daughter and immediately I heard a sound like a gunshot…

DOING THE STEPS – this is a bitch, I saw a guy, my age (or less), pushing a walker…I mean, I work out 5 days a week, is it still going to happen to me? So this is a bad sign..

SONG AIMED AT ME – “you might not ever get rich, but let me tell you it’s better than digging a ditch” Enough said.

ANOTHER SONG – “Purple Haze” (Jimi Hendrix) was on with these lyrics…“There are many around you who think life is just a joke.”

TALK SHOW – DJ is talking about being handcuffed and I recalled living with this gay guy who DID handcuff me….

ANOTHER TALK SHOW SIGN – they keep having this bit where this guy goes “you’re not a genius, you’re insane.”

RADIO TALK SHOW- they said, “the word for today is hobble” and I’m thinking, break a bone, again??

IMPERIAL BEACHING OUTING, IMPERIAL BEACH – I saw a t-shirt that said “stoner” (to which I said (in my head) “I used to be” with a laugh) and then I saw a T-shirt that said “split” which make me think of breaking up with Melinda…THIS NEXT ONE IS GOOD: When I saw the “split” t shirt someone walked by and said “ain’t happening…Yay!

BATHROOM (during outing) – I was pissing and someone blurted out “you’re perfect!” and instantly I noticed the stream of piss and I noticed I was aiming straight down into the toilet…a perfect stream….not to the left, not to the right, but right down the middle…

While taking pictures I said to a group of people “let’s get a panorama” which was weird because an hour and a half I saw a girl wearing a t shirt that said “Panorama.” Funny….

JULY 24 – TALK SHOW – they played snippets of about 12 different songs (for 20 about seconds) with the word “FREE” in them…”I’m free, he’s free, they’re free,” that kind of thing. I felt this was the ultimate irony since I’m not free….

SONG“ (Paul McCartney) “I’m a man in the middle of something, that I don’t really understand.” Well, THAT hits home…

JULY 25 – Well I always want to maintain good relations with my apartment manager. So I’m at home and I’m TRYING not to think bad thoughts and I battle and battle and battle negative thoughts that my voices try to get me to have…so I’m back to a gay coping skill…

GAY COPING SKILL I’m back to thinking gay thoughts to counteract negative thoughts meaning…for example, every time I think of something bad I force myself to think about anal sex…for some reason that helps…

TALK SHOW – while the DJ’S were talking, in the background they had a guy say “you’re gay.”

TALK SHOW – A DJ was talking and saying something about “treason” and I thought about, hey if one of my “voices” told what was going on, well, that MIGHT amount to treason…

SAME TALK SHOW – they said “secret secret secret” (six times). As if my life is a secret…

SHOCK TREATMENT I’ve been fantasizing about shock treatment…

TALK SHOW – they said “dying of cancer”

TALK SHOW – “do you ever hear a voice when there is no one in the room? That’s crazy!”

SONG “having a nervous breakdown can drive you insane” (THEN I heard a car honk)…

TALK SHOW – the DJ said the word UGLY as in: “Ug” “Lee”

Z-22 AUGUST WOW! Governor Arnold Schwarzenger came to San Diego…Not just San Diego but, where I live, La Mesa. I’M totally sure he came there because of me! Laugh if you like, but I KNOW it, I just know it! So THAT GIVES ME A LITTLE BIT OF SELF ESTEEM, I SWEAR!

I saw the ever present helicopter but this time I found something positive because it was flying real low and looked like the helicopter in MASH and I LOVE the show MASH. I don’t know how I’ll react next time but for now it was a MASH chopper…

HMMM…I’ve begun to say “thank you” to my voices when good things happen to me. A couple times a day I guess…

TALK SHOW – “This might be the last year of your life.” THAT sounds negative.

A MILLION YEARS AGO (1985) my voices tried to get me to kill my grandmother. They said if I didn’t they’d cut off her head and torture her…I wonder I if that’s how serial killers start?

When it comes to the Israeli war in Lebanon I’m on the side of Israel. This is really stupid but I thought if I wasn’t with Israel would they send a commando unit to kill me?

Talk about twisted! My voices touched my “sex” finger (the finger they touch when they want me to think of sex) and then immediately touched my “kin” finger…so I thought of “sex” then “kin” and ended up thinking about my daughter sexually! Just for five damn seconds…

TALK SHOW the DJ’s were talking and one of them said “shove it up your ass” and immediately I thought of gay sex…I can’t stand this but when I masturbate, slowly but surely each time they get me to think of all forms of gay stuff…so I fantasize but then when I’m done I feel really gross…

TODAY in group I had that “pinky (kin)” thing (threat to my family) where I had to cross my pinky and thumb to cope….a real bitch…

On the way home on Wednesday I saw a guy with a t-shirt that said “Christmas in july” which is trippy because I always send xmas cards in july. I have a artificial xmas tree in my living room and I try to feel xmas like whenever I can.

Hmmm…on the steps I saw a black cat and I watched to see if he would cross my path. Well he got on the steps and seemed to think about it for awhile and then he took off heading the opposite direction (not crossing my path). Which I think is pithy because my voices can control animals, whatever.

Coming back down he was on the other side and he did the same thing, not crossing my path. He ventured as if he was thinking about it but again he didn’t. I mean, he took a step but then retreated. The whole damn message? That I wasn’t going to have bad luck. A real B.S. moment…

Oh, this is a bitch. My voices keep saying one of my dad’s are going to die and leave me some sort of inheritance. I hate it but truthfully they get me to fantasize about it…for a couple of seconds…then I blurt out in my head “I don’t want money THAT way!”

FRIDAY, JULY 28 – I arrived at day treatment and then I realized I’d forgotten my headphones. I can’t live without my radio…because I start hearing songs in my head…and, with headphones I at least can choose the song I hear…oh yeah, I can sort of choose songs when they are directly in my head but it’s mentally tiresome…so I found a guy with headphones and I gave him two bucks so that I could use them for an hour.

SONG AIMED AT ME “Promiscuous girl” and suddenly it occurred to me that when I masturbate there could be multiple guys doing me…and maybe a chick or two…so, I’m thinking, maybe I’m promiscuous in that way with a new guy or two daily….maybe at the same time…

OUTING, JULY 30TH – first thing, people are laughing at my thoughts…

COOL SIGN! There were people throwing a football around and I thought, YAY! Because I can’t wait for football season…BAD SIGN - I saw a person who looked like my sister’s husband (a threat to him)

ANOTHER ONE: we saw a statue of a guy who like he didn’t have a leg…

DURING THE OUTING Melinda and I were sitting on a bench and there was a guy sitting there…twenty minutes later he took off and I noticed his shirt said “Jensen relocation” why was this a bad sign? I focused on the word “relocation” which means “MOVE” to me.

DAMN, we were on the bench and there was another guy wearing a nice black shirt almost exactly like mine and black pants almost exactly like mine and the sign? Well he weighed about 300 pounds so, damn, it’s supposed to be me.

STILL during the outing…well Melinda and I walked around from relaxing spots to relaxing spots but it just didn’t work. I mean, I didn’t get many voices but STILL I felt, as they say, a “generalized feeling of anxiety.” I guess I’m just tired of thinking and thinking and thinking for a living – I’m burn out….i don’t want to be thinking ALL THE TIME…

SONG – “You must believe I’m the only girl in your life” as if in all my relationships I’m with the same girl (inside).

ANOTHER SONG - The DJ said (concerning a song) “that’s a deep cut” and instantly I got it: I had cut myself pretty deep while shaving…So that’s what they meant when they said “that’s a deep cut”.

While walking I saw a Camel Filter package on the ground and I thought about once this guy gave me a Camel cigarette while I was living with this gay guy….i thought he was rewarding me for being gay…

I was walking and I saw a girl and I began staring at her boobs…THEN I felt my boobs kinda growing…

I was walking to Long’s Drugs and I saw a homeless person and it meant “that’ll be me.” I’ve been homeless before so it could be true…

While standing on the edge of the sidewalk, coming back from Long’s, I stood there waiting for them to “push” me into traffic…if they wanted to they could…

TV - talked about recruitment for the FBI...they said they would have a link on their website and it occured to me i could just touch the top of my head and voila, i'm linked...

TWENTY YEARS AGO - I saw a truck drive by...it was blue...and i came up with TRU BLU (Truck blue)...so it was "true blue"...anyway, later on Madonna came out with an album called, you guessed it..."true blue"

TUESDAY, AUGUST 1ST - it occured to me, if my voices wanted to, they could give me the easiest death in the world...sometimes, when i have the first cigarette of the day i get dizzy and i just say "take me take me."

VOICES helped…. or NOT! Doing the steps first thing in the morning i saw one of my brand cigarettes and i didn't drop it there...so,...so i'm kind of happy, a free cigarette...ANYWAYS - when i headed to group i tried to stick it in the pack and it broke so, heck, a free cigarette....and a wrecked cigarette...

SAYING THANKS - my voices have got me to say "thank you" and i do a couple of times a day...and when i wrote this down, i went through the community room and this song was playing "you oughta be grateful for the little things..."

OH, i walked by an outside table and there was an encyclopedia...and the edition was "Q R" which meant QUEER to me...

While doing the steps, my voices were touching my booty and saying the nastiest, gayest sex in the world...right out of a porn movie...

B.S. - SONG - "That is why, all the girls in, girls in town, follow you, all around, just like me, they long to be, close to you." FLATTERY….

Gay stuff - my voices totally control my body and i give in to the gay stuff and then afterwards i feel TOTALLY DISGUSTED...

FOR EXAMPLE: i'll have two gay pictures and 10 full magazines of straight stuff and i'll be looking at a hot chick and i'll get a crick in my neck and move my head to relieve it and damn, i'm looking at gay stuff...

Gay stuff - sometimes i'm doing the steps and i see a guys booty and i give into gay thoughts for literally only 3 seconds....not even every day...REGARDLESS, IT’S ALL CHOREOGRAPHED...

Last night they called me a porn star...and i have a couple of guys touching me and stuff and guess what i'm going? I'm just watching TV!

HMMM...Yanno, sometimes i think about these two girls i knew when i was like 9 and i wonder if they think of ME sometimes?

FUNNY! I was walking by the TV in the community room and as i walked by the TV said "Here she comes, she's dazzling!" then i heard applause...funny stuff...

BAD SIGN - i was shaking my head while a song was on...shaking my head up and down (as in saying "yes")...so i'm shaking my head up and down and we passed by a U HAUL truck...which means move, which means yes...it means to move and I’m shaking my head yes…

TALK SHOW - DJ said "i didn't do it by sign language, i did it by ESP...I swear to god, i think these DJs KNOW they are talking to me....

I intermittently thought about going down on a guy, maybe 4 seconds...then the radio played "getting to know you, getting to know all about you."

TALK SHOW - I don't know but i'm getting a lot of input lately from this radio talk show...

RADIO STATION - i went to claim my tickets to a padre game and walked into the station, and the girl behind the counter said "you're being followed." Well my brother in law was behind me and that made sense but, damn, the was she said it i felt like she was just telling me i was being followed....wow!

See, all the radio stations are talking to me so i wonder if EVERYONE working in radio stations know, too...?

ANYWAYS! i was thinking about becoming friends with a neighborhood girl...she's a little overweight...then this song comes on "fat bottom girls you make the rocket world go round."

Hmmmm….there’s a new song called “Danny California”…I kind of wonder….is it about me?

Z-50 MID SEPTEMBER – BOOKMan I tell you writing this book is pure hell at times…

First of all I got a website up (courtesy of a 20 year old kid)…but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get “comments” working. (where people could read and post a comment on what I thought). I spent about 80 bucks and it is going nowhere…I just can’t get that comment thing going…

Then his g/f gave it a try…I think she spent hours and she couldn’t do it either…

So she’s an expert on “myspace” and I tried to start a blog (basically ditching my previous website)…and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t even figure out how to start one on “myspace”…it should be so easy but damn…the computer was acting up…I click on something and it doesn’t go anywhere…

SO…I’ve put so much into this…yet, at this point I felt like throwing my computer out of the window, and taking the hard copy of the book and lighting it on fire….so…I’ve calmed down but it can be SO exasbergating….

ANYWAYS! I was watching the Charger game and there was a commercial that said “what makes you special?” and it was funny because there were about 15 cameras pointing at the camera…like if you were a star and 15 cameras were aimed at you…I got a kick out of that…that sounds very appropriate…

CHECKING MY MAILI was hoping my renter’s rebate check arrived…well, I’m putting the key in the mailbox and I hear cheering in my head…(cheering that it arrived)…and there it was…

RADIOThe talk show mentioned having a stroke and it occurred to me that I have this “head exploding” feeling sometimes…it feels like I’m going to have a stroke…

NOT MY FAULT but (steve Irwin I think) died by getting a spear into his heart…and it was a million to one shot…and I think possibly it was controlled by “the FORCE.”

ALSO – concerning all the radio stations talking to me, they said “this won’t last forever” which gave me just an inch of joy….maybe they’ll retire me??? Please do…TUESDAY SEPT 13I have an awful feeling like my head is going to explode...in addition i also feel like i'm going to throw up....for a couple of hours....THEN my voices hit me with a ray beam that made me tired...so i'm super tired, head feels like it is going to explode, and i feel like i'm going to throw up. what a horrible combination, damn...

and it just kept going and going and going.....

SONG with a bad sign....i'm thinking of melinda and this song comes on that said "season's change, feelings change....season's change, people change"....as if my g/f's feeling's have changed...and, yanno, the season IS changing....

TELEVISION: the announcer said: (“you can’t control the weather”)THEN someone types on the TV screen: “Yes you can”

Because for awhile I’ve noticed stuff like, all around me sometimes it is raining EXCEPT on me…then there is sometimes I feel like the wind around me is being controlled…and I think sometimes they burn holes in clouds…so, it’s wind, rain blocked around me, and the sun breaking through….for example, once the sun was coming out and a song on the radio said “Here comes the sun, here comes the sun it’s alright….

GOD KNOWS EVERYTHING…a trillion files on each and every person in the whole world…how many times your heart beats today…or your whole life….just thinking about God is totally mind blowing…

TALK SHOW – the DJ’s were talking about “morbidly obese” and now I’m scared it will happen to me….

I feel soooooo electronically controlled that I used to have my friends call me “Data” like the robot in star trek….

Even animals around me are controlled….

FACES I feel like I’m getting visual hallucinations because sometimes faces remind me of other people….

RADIO TALK SHOW – a person’s computer screen said “God is my hero” and I thought…yeah, when it comes down to it, he’s my hero, too…but when the DJ’s read “God is my hero” all the DJ’s laughed at him…

SUICIDE: Television said: “You can do it, we can help” I’m not suicidal tho…

I spilled coffee on the van and I’m going nuts to try clean it up…I’m rubbing and rubbing and then I noticed it was dissipating…like, evaporating…and I’m sure my voices had a hand in it…they made it melt away..

TALK SHOW – “you old hippie” and I thought, yep…

SONG “you’re dirty and sweet and you’re my girl” then it said “you’ve got the teeth of the hydra upon ya” (my teeth are stained)…

CHEAP TRICK (I think they were going through EXACTLY when I’m going through) “The dream police, they live inside my head, the dream police they come in my bed “they’re waiting for me, they’re listening to me, every single day they’re driving me insane, those men inside my brain” – “they don’t get paid to take vacations they won’t let me alone….

Z-51 SEPTEMBERSometimes I just wonder if my voices are taking sperm samples of me and impregnating other woman…

I saw a guy walk by with a limp…I’d broken my leg once and the doctor said it had healed really well…surprisingly well…so I guess this guy walking by me with a limp was just a sign that that could be me…my voices helped me with THAT one…

SONG: “You had a bad day, you had a bad day” which was true (a couple of days ago)…I was thinking of finding an empty room and crashing…

GROCERY SHOPPING – I was waiting and waiting for this girl to show up and getting scareder and scareder…i totally felt like cancelling but i didn't...

Shopping at the 98 cent store...i arrived and immediately i saw a guy in a wheelchair and one leg....my voices tell me that'll happen to me....

I saw TV interview and behind the guy talking there were two UHaul trucks...(Uhaul trucks mean to move)

I was filling out paperwork and i saw a counselor and i told her (under "race") that i was Japanese...the next day the radio played "i'm turning japanese, i really think so"

SUNDAY – a SONG came on that said "You're an evil woman"

Spirituality group: I thought god has a trillion files on everyone in the world...then my voices said "don't feel so sure of yourself" like i'm getting too cocky....

SONG -"He's plain ugly to me and i wonder if he's had a good day in his life" (meaning me).

We were on a walk at day treatment and this guy went out of his way to let me go in front of him and i waved to him as i walked by and i thought, hell i hope i didn't flash some kind of gang sign...

This is just great...a plane ran out of gas and landed on the freeway in, where, you guessed it, in the city i live in, La Mesa...and i'm in the middle of making a banner for the internet and, surprise, surprise, the pilot was FLYING a banner....

SONG: "I hear the secrets that you keep, when you're talking in your sleep" but what usually happens is my voices jam a bad thought in, and this lasts for mere seconds...then they tell me "all night long" meaning, they get me to think of a bad thought for seconds, then make me talk about it in my sleep...so basically i'm not really thinking secrets but what voices make me think....

TRIP TO WASHINGTON D.C. - If i visit Washington i'm not going without telephone numbers to hospitals.

TALK SHOW – “do you feel okay other than that sore throat?” which is weird cause I’mhad a sore throat for the last two days…but it isn’t bothering me..

TALK SHOW – I keep (also) hearing a commercial that says “expect great things!” which I wish it could come true…

I HEARD A COMMERCIAL that said “avoid the headache” and I’m thinking….HOW???

TALK SHOW COMMERCIAL - that said “the luxury of life” and I thought, “I’m not totally enamored of the whole thing…yanno, life…not suicidal but definitely not happy…”

It’s like, I’d like to change the position of ANYONE…

I can’t wake up happy…I remember I used to be happy actually ecstatic…when I was 18…I went to the beach ALL summer…I hitched a ride in the morning, and I hitched a ride home in the evening…chicks all over the place…suntanned to the Nth degree…

ANYWAY – I’m doing the steps, my exercise and I hear a siren…and a song came on the radio that said “It’s all because of you…” I’m pretty sure it’s an audible hallucination…

COMMERCIAL – I heard a BMW commercial that said “the ultimate driving machine” and I thought about it for a second and realized I’M the ultimate driving machine….

TALK SHOW – DJ said: “there’s not a really good way for this to end”…(when I die)…

BG’S song: “to dreams that will never come true” (meaning my book).

COMMERCIAL “don’t wait til it’s too late and you’ve lost your children and don’t have as dime.” Losing my daughter that’s a real sonofabitch, and be broke at the same time…

VOICES – they’ve been telling me a headache is coming and it finally happened last night…thank god it wasn’t a super bad one…but what about tomorrow?

Z-52 OCTOBER

FRIDAY – I was unloading some groceries and a girl yelled at me as if I’m hot…for a coupla seconds I was happy but then I realized it was just my voices…

SEPTEMBER 22 – couldn’t sleep…I went bed at my regular time, 6:30 but I just layed there for hours…a cigarette every now and then….

ADAMS AVENUE STREET FAIR – I saw a girl who, at the angle I was at, looked like she didn’t have an arm…that’s a bitch because I had a family member who was in a motorcycle accident and his left arm is useless….

REMINDS ME – in 1985 I thought I was going to be a star and I called a dealership asking for a car to be delivered to my house and I really thought it was going to show up..

In spirituality group they asked me why is spirituality important to you and I said, “you lose the fear of death” which wasn’t true in my case because I’m worried my voices were going to keep my head alive and torture me…

Sunday, September 24…I had “generalized anxiety disorder” TO THE MAX…I even walked out of spirituality group which I never do…and I walked out of all groups…this day had the highest anxiety level in quite awhile….it started even before getting into the van…because while waiting I was having anxiety and I lay spread eagled on the floor because I’ve found that to help….

I smoked a few more cigarettes than usual, too…

This song came on and it was very succinct: “Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it’s been”

Last couple of days I’m going through anxiety and I haven’t been able to stay in groups….

I was worrying about my daughter and realized, she’ 26. I’ve heard that paranoia kicks in during teenage years so I’m hoping this rings true…then the radio station said “call her” which I’m going to do…

TALK RADIO – the DJ said “hurry up and die” What a bitch…

Well, while doing the steps, just when I reached the bottom (and had to turn around) the radio was playing a song that said “turn around”.

DJ said: “It’s a scientific experiment gone bad!” THEN he said “you never know what is gonna happen next”

LATELY I’ve begun to be jealous of cars (that I don’t have one) and rich people, stuff like that…people in their cars, boats…people in restaurants..

FANTASIZYING about being dead and I’ve decided to get cremated…and I KNOW IT’S NOT TRUE but I’ve thought what if I’m actually alive when it happens…

MILITARY JET – It flew over and the jet engine sounded like “you want a piece of ass.”

Thursday I went to get the mail and in that quick trip I saw six signs…one of them was a girl with a bent leg as if that’s my fault….

FLATTERY – “ the sun sets and rises around you…you’re the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night…”

This is true, tho, they are the first thing in my head (in the morning) and the last thing in my head (at night).

I heard (Friday September 29) the DJ say “Hobo waiting to die” and immediately I heard a car honk…that’s me…a hobo waiting to die…

I heard a commercial for computer classes and I thought, damn, without this shit going on, I’d take a computer class and learn valuable software (studying day and night) and get employed using this software…

COMMERCIAL - "I promise we will take care of you." THEN i coughed and i'm thinking they'll take care of me when i'm very ill...

TALK SHOW - the DJ said "I got mistaken for Nikki Six." THEN car honked because my daughter's name is Niki....a threat to her...

SATURDAY MORNING - 30th of september...a song came on that said "hey now, don't dream it's over" meaning hearing voices...radio talking to me...people following me...

BAD SIGN - I was using the bathroom on saturday at."the flyingleathernecks"facilities...and it was lit up in flourescent (like the hospital bathrooms) and it had a shower which totally made me think of going to the hospital (which i DON'T want to do)...

STONES song aimed at me - "I can't get no satisfaction....i can't get no girlie action" which is succinct because I keep seeing (as i said) hot chicks and i can't get ANY OF THEM....

SONG aimed at me- "There's a freak show on the dance floor, a freak show" meaning me as a freak...

Z-53 EARLY OCTOBERSATURDAY – I don’t know what’s wrong but I just don’t feel good….i’m counting the time to when I go to sleep…

My voices have given me “man boobs” and I complained to them and they just said “I’m making a mountain over a molehill..”

Sunday, October 4th – I’ve had a low grade headache for most of the day…then I “saw” a knob and they were twisting it as if they are making my headache worse…luckily that didn’t happen…

My headache became worse…and, then again I saw the knob (in my head) getting twisted and my headache, as I said, became worse…

Sometimes my voices touch me on my forehead where they used to give lobotomies and It’s a sign that I should get shock treatment because I feel like shock treatments are modern day lobotomies…

ANYWAYS!In the morning, my voices know EXACTLY how many cigarettes I’m going to smoke, and how much I’m going to eat…they are THAT in control…

SONG aimed at me – “Now if you feel that you can’t go on, because all of your hope Is gone, and your life is much confusion, as if happiness is just an illusion and your world has come tumbing down, darling – reach out – reach out to me – because, I’ll be there with a love that will shelter you, I’ll be there with love that will see you through…”

“When you feel cold and about to give up, cause your best just ain’t good enough….

“I can tell the way you hang your head, you’re afraid”

Missing Melinda – haven’t had sex in a month….

SUNDAY – we went for a walk and I saw a car pull into a driveway and I looked and saw a sign that said “entrance” and then I looked in front of me and saw a girl’s booty and, putting two and two together I came up with anal sex with the chick in front of me…wild, huh?

Continuing on this walk, this time I ran into an old guy…he had “man boobs” like me, nipples erect, and a small belly like me…

AS FOR BEING FOLLOWED, I swear, people are just too real looking…I think they are there….

Voices talking to me – “face it, you’re gay, you do it with a different guy each night..” like when I masturbate someone is in my head…and touching me, my hand is their hand…

ZOO OUTING– Not 100 % sure but I think I saw a homeless guy outside of the zoo, he was at an angle and it was tough to see

I like super thin girls and the media said “I promote anorexia.”

SONG AIMED AT ME – “sign sign, everywhere a sign!” so damn true…because here at the zoo there were just too many signs to keep track of

Well, at the zoo had to take a crap, what a bitch, and I wanted to use my own bathroom…so for awhile I was squeezing my butt cheeks together and people around me started laughing, they got a real kick out of that one…

Now, since I’m thinking of buying a motorcycle, I keep seeing motorcycles; and some of they for sale…

NEWSPAPER – I saw an article about Bangkok slums and I thought, well, hell, I guess I’d rather be here than there, even with my damn voices…

Yanno, I must say my voices pay a lot of attention to my booty…I’m guessing 25 percent of the time they are touching me there…

PRINCE SONG “some say a man’s not truly happy til he truly dies”

Sometimes I go through a phase where I’m not getting signs (15 minutes) and if I get happy then, “BAM!” they give me a radical negative sign…

STEPS – October 3 – I tried not to listen to the radio and then (this is weird) – I heard, in my head, static and stuff…it was like they were tuning around the dial on the radio, a song cutting in here and there and static in between..

SEX – damn, when you have it you take it for granted, but then when you don’t have it for awhile, well, damn you miss it…

STEPS – they are saying that I’m cutting down on smoking and I sure hope that’s true…they are saying “less than a pack” but I really can’t imagine it tho…

RADIO AIMED AT ME – a song came on that said “keep on dying” then I heard a car honk (to punctuate the thought as always)…

SONG (aimed at me) – “let me go crazy on you” then this is super weird but they started touching me everywhere…my penis, butt hole, stomach, chest…multiple tactile stuff…oh yeah, I’m not sure but I think they have a way to lengthen my penis, I’m not sure tho…anyways, I had three or four people having their way with me….so so weird…

SUNDAY – first thing in the morning I threw up and I had this feeling on and off all day, nauseous feeling….

SONG –“DON’T BE FOOLED BY THE RADIO, TV, AND MAGAZINE, it’s all a grand illusion”

LONG’S DRUGS – I went there (by myself!) and things got sort of haywire and I instinctually knew it was time to turn off the radio because the radio was too “In my face” meaning, full of negativity….

Inside I’m walking around and, just when I looked down I saw a packet of “children’s motrin” which bums me out because it’s a sign my daughter is going to get headaches….

ANYWAYS! – I made it through longs…I got extra attention from the cashiers and that was real nice….they went out of their way to help me figure out the the film processing deal and in the next cashier (getting keys made) the cashier helped me even though there were 5 people in line….

ROLLING STONE SONG - (aimed at me) “jesus, it’s just a shot away, it’s just a shot away” which made me think of having problem with an angry husband….

Z-54 MID OCTOBERRADIO – I was tuning around the dial looking for a song to record (I have an MP3 player)….then I heard “world renowned” as if I am…

PURE ENERGY – “I want to known what you are thinking, is there something on your mind?” which doesn’t make sense because they already know what is on my mind…

RADIO – “we’ll get you to a better place” as if my book will make money…

As I said, they’ve given me some “man-boobs”and I don’t like them. Then they mentioned breast enlargement as if I should get breast enlarement…of course, they gave me these “man boobs” three different times in my life so I’m used to it…

COMMERCIAL – It talked about “anal probes” and I thought, damn, they touch me there all the time anyway…

I forgot my cell phone and, next thing you know, I’m seeing people on cellphones all over the place…

On the way home I was ½ a mile away and I saw two fire trucks and I got scared thinking my house was on fire…thankfully it wasn’t..

OCTOBER 7 – doing the steps I looked down at the steps and in the stains it looked like a girl with her legs spread….

THEN, exactly at the same time the DJ chick on the radio started laughing…

COMMERCIAL – “we’ll make you get your financial goals.” Then the next day a commercial came on that said “we won’t make you rich.”

LONG’S DRUGS – I saw a guy with a shopping cart with a empty 10 gallon jug of water…which reminds me of the bird flu, because I’m worried about…and I’ve got 12 gallons of water stockpiled at home…

SONG AIMED AT ME - (Beatles) “Baby I’m a man who is in the middle of something that he doesn’t really understand.”

SONG aimed at me…”Bennie and the jets” and here’s the part that applies to me “she has electric boobs” because my voices have given me “electric boobs.”

SONG – “Leyla, won’t you ease my worried mind…” (I heard this in the community room radio just when I walked by)

U HAUL TRUCK passed me by on the way home from day treatment (as I’ve said, u haul trucks mean “to move.”

I’m sitting on the ground waiting for a ride to day treatment and, first thing I see is a u haul truck down the street…THEN a guy gets in and start driving RIGHT ACROSS MY PATH…bad sign,…-

OUTING TO LITTLE ITALY – I’m sure my voices were just joshing me, but I went to the area where they were doing chalk art and I sat down…then I looked down between my legs and there was a brochure for a luxury car; it said “save the dream”….as if I’ll have the money for one someday…keep dreaming…damn…

MISSING MELINDA – I’m pent up sexually and I’m being enticed by girls walking by…for example, I saw 4 pretty girls in one minute…it’s a “tough shit” deal going on; I see all these girls and I’ve got no one…

I went thru a couple bouts of people reading my mind…basically laughing at my thoughts…I’m getting clostrophobic…or is that “agorophic??”

SITTING BY THE CHALK ART AREA – I saw a garbage truck that said “EDCO” and it’s a threat to my cousin ed…then again, you could spell “COED” instead of EDCO which stands for college chicks…

I BEGAN GETTING ANTSY over here at the Little Italy outing…

I saw a “segway” transporter with an advertisement on it for that luxury car…and it was aimed at me…again, it said “save the dream”.

MORE excellent girls…it’s like being in the ocean full of water yet you can’t drink..

BAD SIGN – a guy walked by and directly said hi and his T-Shirt said “Ugly Festival.” THANKS A LOT…just when i thought i was looking good...

I was sitting on the sidewalk at the Little Italy chalk contest and i thought, "I hope i don't look homeless" which was followed by people laughing...

ANYWAYS - i saw a fire truck drive by and i thought "i hope it's not something that I did"

THEN a girl walked by and said to someone else but aimed at me: "you should have been a firefighter" which was interesting because i used to idolize fire fighters...i had a scanner and would go to nearby fires and stuff...

so i saw a girl walk by with her arm in a cast and i thought "it's either MY fault she's in a case, or I'M going to be in a cast...damn, i already broke my leg twice...

About three days ago i saw a picture of Martha Stewart and i found out she was 65! she looks awesome! So i kind of "chose"her..ANYWAY i was at the street fair and people around me started talking about her...Martha Stewart this, Martha Stewart that....

Then people started talking about cancer, what side of the body it's on...depressing...

I'm sitting there looking around when my eyes landed right on some chicks butt...immediately people around me started laughing....they can make me see whatever they WANT me to see…

More hot chicks enticing me....

Then i was in a contest because there were FIVE hot chicks in a row...i decided to choose the best one....they were kind of saying "which chick do you want?"

I feel like i'm watching TV while just sitting there...i just sit there and the world revolves around me...

A guy walked by with a charger's shirt on, number 21, the jersey of Ladamian Tomlinson which i sort of have a crush on....

A band played "you're beautiful" so THAT'S a good sign...

I saw five hot chicks in the last 30 seconds, that's great....

Now girls are traveling in herds, oh my....

My pinky (family thing) is acting up and i can't wait to get home...

More laughing at my thoughts…

Then a pretty, pregnant girl ended up next to me, three feet away and it reminded me that i have wondered if my voices are getting my sperm and empregnating chicks...i really don't think so but they could if they wanted to....FINALLY she walked away after standing next to me for five dang minutes...the other thought was that I knocked her up...is this ridiculous or what???

DOUBLE CROSS - i started looking at someone starting at their legs...then i saw she had pretty legs...THEN when i looked it turned out IT WAS A GUY...

The announcer at a stage said "is the CIA here?" pretty trippy

Announcer - "it takes guts to make your dreams come true"

Announcer and his girlfriend started laughing at my thoughts...

Announcer - "I understand why you come to this place to die"

OH! the pregnant chick (from two blocks away) is back...don’t know how she found me…

I'm feeling kind of nauseous..stress or what? I just wanna go home...

THREE BAD SIGNS (that totally overwhelmed me)...

My voices began touching my heart and i thought, "please take me!" A heart attack is better than cancer…

AT BAYVIEW - tuesday - jennifer had a reading that said "massive cerebral hemmorage" and, instead of a positive sign i turned it around and said it was "HOPE" as far as I was concerned,., that I would have it...a stroke...

ANYWAYS! I’m doing my exercise regime (steps) and I’m feeling kind of fat…THEN a bigger fat guy came up and sat down on the bench…we were both wearing dark blue t-shirts…it’s like my voices saying “this is gonna be you.” And, sitting there at that bench I ended up seeing him every 30 seconds…what a bitch…

SONG aimed at me “welcome my friend, welcome to the machine” meaning my voices are the machine…

DJ on the radio station has a cough and I think it’s because of me…

Z-55 mid October – DAMN CLOSE TO HOSPITALIZATION!

I got home from day treatment only to see a U Haul truck parked outside...it was as close as it could get, too...that damn "move" sign...

COMMERCIAL - "get your move on" which again, means "to move".

FRIDAY, 13TH OF October - a lady said "a dream come true" which, yeah sounds good but it sounded sarcastic to me....

Handout from Jennifer - it said "have a religious belief system" and i could really use that...then i thought, even if they kill me and keep my head alive, SOMEDAY i'll die...and, yanno, yes i believe in god totally...but i'm not sure 100 percent there is an afterlife... i'm like 90 percent sure....but just maybe...this is it?

SONG - "You can stand me up to the gates of hell but i won't back down...." maybe this guy is going through what I'M going through....

DOING THE STEPS - i looked at my watch so i could keep track of the time and it said "11:41" - which, in police codes means "injury accident"...so i'm scared...

FRIDAY, 13th, october - i'm stressing out because, at 1 1/2 packs a day i'll totally become broke when the cigarette tax becomes effective....THEN my voices in a roundabout way reminded me i could get cigarettes through the internet (from the Indians)....THEN i recalled that in some states UPS and FEDEX were told not to deliver them....so i'm scared....but, yeah, my voices told me not to stress, saying i can get them online...

This is weird but on the way to Lakeside i saw a truck that said "restoration" on it and i perceived it to mean they would "restore" my face....

Lakeside - 14th October....i took a chance and walked to burger king by myself....then some guy whistled...immediately i thought "Whistle At Me", which meant WAM (initial letters), so now it means "WAM" and there was a rock group called "WHAM" and the lead singer ended up being gay...so NOW it supposed to mean i'll turn gay....can you believe this convoluted message????

BAD SIGN - At burger king this little girl said "i can't even feel my own arm" and this reminded me of a family member in a motorcycle accident....

BURGER KING - i got there and had to take a piss...there's no one in the building....i take a quick piss and suddenly there's four people in line....damn...

SO! I'm at burger king, and i just wanted some coffee but then my voices made me real hungry so now i'm thinking of getting a double cheeseburger....JUST WHEN I WAS READY TO ORDER IT, the guy behind me in line had a BIG BELLY...so i didn't get it...

OH at Lakeside there was a helicopter flying low, and jets flying by and i said to Jennifer "yeah helicopters are usually a bad sign but for now it meant "they are bringing the sky show to us!" I can’t do this every time tho…

HOME FROM LAKESIDE - the tv was talking to me a bit....there was a preacher and he pointed at his head and said "that's where your power is", "that's where your power is,." SUCCINT! I said, "yeah, but it sucks"

Madonna song which I totally agree with, the words are “a world I want to conquer, deliver and despise…” (it continues) – “It’s hard that life can be so demanding.”

SUNDAY 15th October – my breathing is getting heavy and stuff…and I thought, “maybe I should consider quitting cigarettes” and instantly a car horn honked (meaning to quit smoking) I will try again….

I haven’t had sex in a month…and a commercial came on that said “relief is on the way” but they always tell me that…

SONG aimed at me: “I’m burning I’m burning for you” as if my voices are “burning for me” and it meant sexually” but, damn, next thing I know I’m seeing a guy masturbate in my face…

SUNDAY (again) – in group I had that “pinky” thing going where I have to cross my fingers…what a bitch,..,.

Then I heard a song that said “fire all your guns at once” and then I saw two guys masturbating in my face…man I couldn’t think of all this shit by myself!

Charger game announcer on the radio – “he is going to put you in a place where you’re successful ” as if I’ll have money some day….

“Somethings you should leave to professionals” this meant to me as prostitutes, yanno, “professionals”…

THIS WAS CHOREOGRAPHED AND PLANNED:My cousin wanted a jacket so we went to AMVETS…he’s going through the jacket area and I saw a Redskin jacket (I have family in D.C.)….it was in great shape…and it was like $9.70 and I had something like $9.95 on me…well, they put that in the store…and guided us to it…and knew enough to know that I had almost exactly the right amount of money…

WAKE UP CALL – my cousin and me were parked on the street when gunfire erupted…we even saw the smoke…I thought about hiding out of the car but I decided not to…we waited 3 minutes and they left…it made me think of the rolling stones song that goes “oooh Jesus, it’s just a shot away, it’s just a shot away. It was only a 1/3 of a block away….ANYWAY, it’s something to wake up your day….

VONS – the song over the intercom was “I’m special, so special” and I’m like “no I’m not!” but maybe I am…and I WISH TO GOD I WASN’T

My sister called me a loser about 4 months ago…and I thought,”a loser that has 10 radio stations talking to me!” THEN yesterday I woke up, turned on the radio and a beatles song came on that said “I’m a loser, and not what I appear to be…”

DAY TREATMENT, MONDAY 16th – I saw a delivery truck parked and it said on the side “I’m not worthy!”

COMMERCIAL – “are you planning on retiring someday?” and I’m thinking maybe, just maybe my voices will allow me to retire??? Yanno, retire from this whole business, mind reading and all that…voices….

TRUCK Drove buy and on the side it said “care”, and I’m thinking “board and care” which would be a bitch….my voices said “don’t worry you’re going to die in that apartment” (where I live).” and it won’t be that long, either….”

ANXIETY GROUP – the coordinator said “where do panic attacks come trom?” and I said “Washington (as in D.C.)”

THE SONG I WANT PLAYED WHEN I DIE - “It’s a dead man’s party, who could ask for more” it continues “going to a party where no one’s still alive” and the only good part of the song is where it says “don’t be afraid of what you can’t see” (as in my voices) again, “what I can’t see)”….

THIS IS JUST GREAT (NOT!) – I’m used to seeing U haul trucks which mean “to move” and now I saw an orange truck (the color of a u haul) and it was called “Public Storage” which meant I am going to need storage to hold my stuff when I move….so it kind of doubling up on the uhaul situation and I’m wondering if I’m going to be seeing THIS negative sign all the time???

ON THE PORCH – I was sitting on the porch yesterday waiting for a ride to the grocery store and I got a bunch of stuff, kind of like watching tv just sitting on the porch…

FIRST THING - fat guy walks by, belly hanging out – as if this is going to be me…

Well, a couple of months ago I was on a pier and the ocean whispered to me, from the left side “Indian” and from the right “hooker”…then we went to an Indian pow wow and it made me remember the time I HAD an Indian hooker…so so subtle….the reason I mention this is I was hearing voices in “engines”…a car would go by and I’d hear words in the rev’s of engines…like the voices I heard in the the ocean (above)

STILL ON THE PORCH - Well, usually a helicopter means to “cut my head off” but this time, in the motor I heard “wet pussy, wet pussy” – then it said “down, down” (which meant going down on a girl, which I LOVE)

COMMERCIAL – “Chronic stress is bad for you” and I live it, and at the end of the commercial it said STOP WORRYING

HELICOPTER talking to me and it said “Wet cunt, yeah yeah yeah”

HELICOPTER (againl, talking to me) – “Woman, woman” as if I should be one, THEN while the I was looking down on stains on the porch I saw two breasts….

I’M GETTING KIND OF SCARED AT ALL THESE SUBTLE SIGNS….Words in the engines of helicopters and stuff…

ANYWAY, this is the closest I’ve come to being in the hospital in I guess eight months or more….

ANYWAY, while worrying about the hospital I heard, in my head, “don’t worrying baby, don’t worry baby, everything will work out”

GROCERY SHOPPING – was a 100% bitch…people talking to me from everywhere….i’m thinking “I’ll be amazed if I don’t go to the hospital today….voices are totally closing in on me, from the left, from the right, everywhere I go….

THEN, thank god, the negative signs subsided…slowly, slowly….whew!

AFTERNOON – I’m trying to relax and not listen to the music, what with all the messages I get…for few minutes it worked but then I got voices directly in my head so, yeah, I had to listen to the radio…because at least I can choose the songs I hear…

GOOD SIGN – the cashier at wal-mart asked me about my day and I just kind of said “not good” and, this was nice…she gave me the receipt after putting a little smily face on it…oh, when I got in line she called me “Ma’am” which I got a kick out of…

SONG (a repeat, yeah aimed at me)…”the dream police they come to me in my bed” and “they’re waiting for me, they’re looking for me, every day and night they’re driving me insane, those men inside my brain”

COMMERCIAL –“I drank some wine and I got happy”…as if I should drink…but my guess is if I drink…it’ll be one…then two…then three….then alcoholism…so I’m not going to drink…WALKING UP THE STEPS – I heard on the radio…something, something, shopping cart…like someday I’ll be pushing a shopping cart…

Z-56 LATE OCTOBERThursday October 19 – my day off…it was a bitch…anxiety filled….cigarette after cigarette…blah blah blah…look at the clock, it’s 9:48…do some stuff…look again…9:55 (meaning, the clock was going so slow)…

Friday, back to day treatment…it’s so much better, damn….a song came on and, over the song, a girl says “my dad rocks!” and I thought it is kind of true…because I talked to my daughter and I said “is it time for a haircut?” and my daughter said “no, it looks so rock and roll!”

Funny but for my 16th birthday all I wanted was a scale..

DJ – the DJ said something like “it looks like a dyke actually” (meaning me lol)…

OUTING CORONADO – a fire truck went by…I came up with “FIR TRU” (the first three letters) which meant “FUR TRUE” which meant, hey, Melinda is coming over, if you see what I mean..,.

POLICE CAR – “LOP ICE” (Police jumbled), which meant “cut off my head (lop) and put it in ice (Ice)…THEN a car honked (as always, to punctuate the thought)…

Z-57 EARLY NOVEMBERI’ve developed a mantra…it goes like this “I hate this life, I hate this life, I hate this life!” No, I’m not suicidal but this is how I feel…

ON THE STEPS, Wednesday - I tuned into a Mexican station and I heard “muy intelligencia, muy intellencia” which means “very intelligent”.

DJ – “the voices in your head control the music” and I’m like “duh!”

AT one point, me and three DJ’s were in a kind of a “Vulcan mind meld” situation…it was almost like we were sharing a brain…

RADIO, Friday, 25th of October – Talk show guy said “It’s all about the family, it’s all about the family.” Not a good sign…

I wonder if there are GPS locators in police cars…and cops are being controlled…or maybe helped…like a cop sees some kind of emergency and, when he asks for back up, voices can INSTANTLY be there….kind of like “Robocop.”

ANYWAYS! I was in the van, and a truck drove by with a sign that said “clearly the best.” Flattery…

WAL MART – I was looking at shoes and I found one and people an aisle over said, “yeah, that’s the one” so my voices told me which shoes to pick in a roundabout way…

BEATLES - (this makes SO much sense)… “CHRIST, yanno it ain’t easy, you know how hard it can be, the way that you’re going, you’re going to crucify me.”

Man, things were going well for a few minutes…but then (as always) they brought up the family member who was in an accident and that shot that happiness to the ground…I’m just going to deal with it the best I can do…

ANYWAYS! I went to a dance last night and I ended up having people reacting to my thoughts…sometimes I’d have a thought and the whole crowd would cheer…damn…

I kind of wonder if people were really there…at the dance…like I’m in one big star trek holodeck…

OCTOBER 28…on the van I had horrible anxiety…the only thing that helped was lying sideways on the seat of the van…

Chollas Lake outing – we couldn’t smoke except for one tiny patch of land…so (of course!) I ended up there half the time…in between, while sitting with the group my pinky thing happened, throbbing, (a threat to my family) so I crossed my fingers in a weird way…but that didn’t help because my voices did the pinky (kin threat) thing in a different way, in a different place on my pinky…it was just a bitch…at one point I thought of having a cigarette and my headed nodded (courtesy of my voices) saying “yes”…

OH, Jennifer came over for some watermelon and, just when she arrived, the radio said “sweet juicy melons.”

FOR EMILY – well, my pinky throbs and it’s a threat to my family, UNLESS I smoke…therefore I chain smoke…so it’s not your usual addiction to tobacco…This happened for hours and hours (on my last job) and finally I had to quit it because it was just TOO intense…You’ve got a threat to your family AND IT IS ALL YOU CAN THINK OF, WHATABITCH…and the only thing that helps is to cross my finger, again, in a weird way…although sometimes in continues non stop…The pinky thing acts up at different times during the day…so I have to cross my pinky finger with another finger, and it’s just a weird thing…

SONG (aimed at me) “we’ll fade away” as if I’ll fade away…like the whole mind reading thing will cease….ANYWAYS, to make things worse, someone said “fading away” is to die…so I have to deal with that…

SPIRITUALITY (October 29th) – During spirituality the good part was that I was able to stay in group..

SONG (aimed at me, the Rolling Stones) “I know you wanna leave me but I refuse let you go”

Yanno what I hate? My voices screwing with my sexuality….

VOICES – I’m thinking they might know exactly when I’ll die…it’s like the Truman Show…knowing whenever it happens they will be there. I will die on camera..

Whenever someone says “Be safe” I interpret it as B.S. (the initials of “be safe”)

DAMN! The radio station said “this is huge! This is huge! Watergate huge!” And I had to agree with that…

I heard a commercial about “children’s motrin” which automatically made me think of my daughter having headaches…sonofabitch…

OH, I heard a song about a person getting his brain eaten and then being inside some one else’sbrain…which they always tell me I’ll die and go into someone’s head…THIS time, when I heard that part of the song my head (courtesy of my voices) vigorously shook my head (saying no)…so I hope that’s true, that I’ll just die, I don’t wanna live like this…no I’m not suicidal, its just…well let’s just say “life is tough.”

SCARY – a guy walked by me and said “nothing’s impossible” as in keeping my head alive???

Radio at Coronado – I’m NOT listening to the radio at all because I know instinctually that it’s going to be negative….

99 cent store – I go over to get a shopping cart and someone honks their horn (“I’ll be pushing one someday)…and a separate guy honks his horn….”honk” (two seconds) then “honk”…

Z-58 Early NovemberFirst of all, my voices can see what I see… that’s a given…

Now, I’m wondering if my voices are beamed throughout the world for only certain people to see???? Like a top secret channel beamed via satellite??? Like in “The Truman Show” and people are glued to the television watching the whole damn show!!!

ANYWAY, I REALLY WONDER…

Friday November 3rd…they are keeping me on the edge, they are keeping me on the edge…not too bad, not too good…

Mission De Acola – JUST FOR ME…a beautiful girl, black dress, boobs hanging out…it took ALL my guts not to say “WOW!”

SPIRITUALITY, Sunday the 5th – the guide kept talking about “father’s” and “children” and it made me afraid that I knocked some girl up…voices are telling me they put a hole in the condom (which they COULD have)…funny because a week ago I was worried my voices were impregnating chicks and now It might have happened….like I said, the sex only happened once and I wore a condom…and hopefully it wasn’t punctured (by my voices)…

VOICES – They are telling me I’M THE GUY (Pregnancy-wise)…oh my god…

Again, they are telling me they made a hole in the condom (my voices said “real easy to do.)

VOICES SAID “We made it happen…it was amazingly easy”

DAMN they won’t stop with this pregnancy thing…now they are saying they made a “tiny bubble of sperm” and basically guided it….that’s a son of a bitch…

Spiritually November 5th – I had a headache, actually intermitately…what helped was leaning my head back and opening my mouth…my voices QUICKLY began to put a penis’ in my mouth…pain, and screwing with my sexuality….

CHARGER GAME (commercial) – Announcer said “this isn’t brain surgery” then another announcer said “YES, it is”…then they mentioned something about “3 pounds” which made me think about the weight of my brain…I’m weary, just soooo weary…

RADIO on Monday – the DJ talked about condoms and THEN there was the sound of a baby crying….again, saying I knocked up cathlean….

STEPS ON MONDAY – I heard the “back up” horn of a car and, very subtely I heard in the horn “beep beep beep” and it sounded like “do not eat pussy.”

RADIO – “everything will be alright” aimed at me…then they touched my pinky (kin dealie) and the message was “everything will be alright (kin-wise)” and I totally hope this is true…

1986 at the beginning – I was in a hotel room with a bible and I was fervently reading it for some kind of hope…and I knew almost everything about the new testament…I knew it page for page…so I’m praying saying “I love you jesus, I love you jesus” almost nonstop then my voices made it into something sexual…I ended up, in my head, seeing a naked jesus…I thought it was my fault and I IMMEDIATELY stopped reading the bible figuring how can I think of jesus NOW???

NOVEMBER 6 – at home, a car went by and I heard, in the distance “won’t let you go for any price”

PREGNANCY – yeah, it’s a hundred to one but the radio was talking about a girl I might have knocked up saying “he will be treated well, live well, be well cared for…

COMMERCIAL – “we take it or leave it” which meant to me to take or leave having boobs (they’ve grown lil boobs on me lol) to which I responded “TAKE THEM”

TALK SHOW - she has a pretty face and pretty lips (talking to me).

SONG talking to me - "I believe in miracles since you came along you sexy thing, you"

CIGARETTE - Well the cigarette tax didn't come through and i'm experiencing pure joy! because that'll save me 150 dollars a month! wow! it would have been 3 bucks a pack...i believe in miracles!

CONTROLLING ME - my voices are controlling me to the extent that, in the morning they know how much i'll eat and how many cigarettes i'll smoke...

READING GLASSES – I was trying to get reading glasses and I couldn’t get them in focus…I kept trying and trying til I realized they are controlling my eyes!…putting them in focus most of the day…Because I was trying to get reading glasses and my eyes were like, too good…then I tried to read the paper and then they weren’t in focus….

RADIO – three dj’s were talking and one of them said he had “manboobs” and I thought, ”damn, so do I” and he went on to saying they actually were the boobs of a 14 year old girl….funny…yeah, I’m sure there’s a connection…

BOOBS – I’ve started to ask my voices for breast reduction (I say take them away!), like 10 times a day…yeah, they aren’t really big (my voices told me I’m making a mountain out of a molehill LOL)” but sometimes I can totally feel them perking up…

LASTLY – (if you can follow):

(The radio was talking to me saying “DAMN! THIS IS HUGE, THIS IS HUGE, WATERGATE HUGE!” and I just thought “I have to agree with THAT”…

Z-59 LATE NOVEMBER – HOSPITAL THOUGHTS

TALK SHOW GUY (talking to me) - “We’ve got this thing – insanity…how weird is that?” ..because sometimes I feel like I’ve got a “Vulcan mind meld” thing going on with the DJ’s at the radio station…like we’re all (the DJ’s and me) are sharing a single mind for a short time…

I’M WORRIED about breaking ANOTHER bone…because I broke my right leg twice…and I’m hoping “isn’t that ENOUGH?” (which is what I tell my voices)…because they personally broke them…twice…

AND I have crutches in my kitchen and damned if I won’t keep track of them because I just MIGHT need them again…

ON THE STEPS – I was walking and there was a wet spot that looked like a gorilla….then I walked a little farther and there was a swimming sperm…like I knocked up a certain chick….

RADIO – “You’re too valuable for us to kill”

RADIO – talking to me - “coming December is the sound of freedom!” sounds good, for sure, but IT’S B.S.

RADIO COMMERCIAL talking to me -– “Expect great things” BUT I listen to this with a calloused eye…a ways back I would have been overjoyed with this sign, but they are just funning with me…

CLIMBING THE STEPS (Wednesday) – I had the radio off and I heard, in my footsteps, “No more pussy, no more pussy.”

DAY TREATMENT – I come 6 days a week and I WISH I could come 7…on my day off I just feel so antsy waiting for the day to end…I almost wish I could pull a Brian Wilson thing…he had so much stuff going on that he actually had a psychiatrist move in with him…of course, I would want a psychologist, LOL.

SONG (aimed at me) – well, first of all, in 1983 I think, I was living in Linda vista, (where a lot of Vietnamese refugees live) and this song came on “you know you don’t have to live like a refugee” and my roommate kind of said it meant something to him, almost personally…and I just thought…O K…then years later when my voices kicked in I realized it WAS talking to me….

November 17SONG aimed at me: “No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes” -

Yeah, this is weird but sometimes I wonder if people at the program are “plants” because it seems like people are showing up and their names or faces mean something to me…I don’t know…but I guess it’s one HUGE coincidence….

RADIO – the DJ said something about being “free” and then, one of the DJ’s said “are you trying to make my head explode?” which is weird because for the last 2 months I’ve been saying that my head feels like it’s going to explode….way beyond coincidence…

OUTING TO “LA RAZA” (November 18)On the tour of the la raza deal there was a segment about hopes and dreams and the breaking of chains…I kind of get something from this….like my hopes and dreams will come true…

DRUMS at the outing – someone was playing drums Indian style and it occurred to me that the Indian drums had something in common with RAP music…

DARK MOOD – I saw a plane at balboa park landing and it made me feeling like there’s going to be a plane crash…

PINKY THING (hospital thoughts) – while in the tour my pinky thing acted up quite badly, forcing me to go outside…I think it had something to do with my calling my daughter earlier on…because I’m soooo scared she is going to have my problems…anyway, I was in the tour hanging in there, hanging in there til I HAD to go outside….

SUNDAY – I was thinking about my daughter and it morphed in HER having to go to the hospital…then, in my brain heard “that’s the way, uh huh I like it.”

ANYWAY – the keep playing that song (above) so I HAD to listen to the radio….

SONG (aimed at me)…David Bowie – “You got your mother in a whirl because she’s not sure if you’re a boy or a girl.”

ANOTHER ONE – “some day love will find you, break those chains that bind you.”

ANOTHER – something about “sweet memories” but it sounded like “sweet MAMMARIES” as in them giving me boobs…as of the last week I’ve told them to take them away….

SHOCK TREATMENT – still considering it….and I hear a song that says “shock me, make me feel better…”

YANNO, sometimes I’ll have a thought and then hear cheering…booing, laughter, clapping, things like that…

SOMETIMES – throughout my day I’ll see people working and stuff…and I wish it was me…put in your eight hours and your day is done…whereas, my day CONTINUES…all damn day and night…at least I have sleep but then again, my voices sometimes put dreams into my head…

TALK SHOW – the DJ’s talked about people who are “going to hell” because my voices tell me that that’s what’s going to happen to me…then they said it 4 times in 15 seconds…

Z-60 THANKSGIVING!Hmmm…it’s almost thanksgiving and I heard that “the President is going to pardon the turkey” and I’m thinking ME??? Because I feel like only the president can set me free…then again I THINK the president himself is controlled, I really do…

U-HAUL TRUCK – When I see one I feel like I’m going to have to move…well worse yet, in my mind I saw a flash of the color orange (the color of a u haul truck) and it morphed…because now just seeing the color orange makes me feel like I’ll have to move…I’m just…tired….

TALK SHOW – they were talking about motorcycles and stuff….and crashing…which was interesting because I was kind of fantasizing about getting one…but, hearing this, I’m going to skip it…

FIRE TRUCK WENT BY and I started thinking “what did I do now?” and, the way things work I’ll probably get home and see on the news there was a 3 alarm fire in chula vista…

OMG! i went to the bank and damn, it was incredible! a room with 12 people, ALL LAUGHING at my thoughts...some laughed at certain thoughts, some laughed at different thoughts...i just can't explain it, it was brutal and damn, i was glad to get out of there...every single people laughing...it was just tough...i can't even explain it but it was just tough...

Then, upon leaving i turned on my radio and, immediately, there was a ton of laughter...kind of like the "laughing at my thoughts" thing followed me to the radio...

OTHER THAN THAT, I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN IT!

Upon arriving back on the campus (Bayview), when i was 30 feet away i felt like relief was 30 feet away...

LAUNDRY - all the top loading machines were full so i had to use the below loading...which was bad because they were the ones put in for handicapped people so it meant, to me, i'll be handicapped...

THANKSGIVING – things went fairly well until I saw the family member who hurt his arm in a motorcycle accident and it made me feel bad…turns out, damn, he was in another accident and totaled his car…damn, where does it end???

Hmmmm…I’m wondering how would Amnesty International react to a person’s civil rights being violated to the point of eavesdropping on his thoughts???

FAMILY MEMBER - (Darla) she is usually cold toward me and she was at Thanksgiving…out of nowhere she gave me some small talk…I was eating my second helping of turkey and I couldn't eat any more and she said “wow usually two plates is nothing for you” and I kind of liked it…I think it’s the stigma of being a mental patient that bothered her…YAY! Or maybe it’s because I dressed well, and shaved…maybe THAT’S why she liked me…

ANYWAY! – we’re eating and stuff and the radio is on, serenading us…and it’s talking to me but nobody knew it….i’m wondering, is this music piped in or is all of san diego listening to what I’m listening to? Kind of mind boggling I must say…Is all this music being transmitted throughout san diego? Just for me?

So..am I rocking the whole city?

OK, here is crazy stuff for you BUT, I was watching a Madonna concert, a two hour dealie, and at one point they said the word “Dance” and they said it at least 20 times, but it sounded like “Dan” “Dan” “Dan” the way the words ran together…you may now proceede to laugh….

While doing the steps, (NOVEMBER 24) I “felt” a finger in my butt…it was thin (like a finger) and they moved it around and they said “deep penetration.” They’ve done it other times, yanno, putting it in, but this time was more vivid….

As for this finger thing they twisted it around and stuff…

TALK SHOW – the DJ called me a “cherub” and said “did your check come in yet?” and I said (via mental telepathy) “no, not until next week.”

Z-61 DECEMBER

GROCERY SHOPPING - just great, i get to the 99 cent store and there is a guy walking along carrying oxygen (meaning this will be me)...

Soooo, i walk along throughout the store and damn, i run into him again...

i finish shopping and i'm outside and there is a shopping cart about 15 feet away and i hear in my head "it's waiting for you." Then I hear a light honk of a horn to emphasize the point.

OUTING - someone said "it's going to be a beautiful day" and i thought "maybe i look good today."

I went to mcdonalds for coffee and there was a license plate that said "you move" (in jumbled up letters)...as if i'll have to move...

OUTING - I got a headache and the pinky thing going at the same time....what a bitch....

November 26, sunday (spirituality day) i, again, so a truck that said "video" on the side which reminded me of a porn video this guy made of me...

SONG (aimed at me): "don't stop thinking about tomorrow, don't stop it will soon be here, it'll be here, better than before, yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone" (it continues) "I know you don't believe it is true, i never meant any harm to you" How about breaking my right leg twice?

CHARGER GAME (announcer, aimed at me) "sometimes you get paranoid that they REALLY ARE AFTER YOU" (unbelievable!)

CHARGER GAME - "RETIREMENT PLANNING - made easy"...i hope i get to retire at some point! THEN they said "smart move" which "move" usually is bad but it sounds like a positive sign...

I heard the term “brainwash” and I started to think of my brain, literally being washed with soap and towels…

SHOPPING – I saw a girl pushing a shopping cart (she works at the store) and I thought “that must be a monotonous job…then, for 2/3 of a second I realized I’d rather do that than what I’M doing…

And this girl was kind of hot and I think she probably meets guys all the time…whereas every one I meet is a plant…put it this way, people I meet are a part of my paronoia…

WALMART – every fucking person at wal mart (on this shopping trip) was reading my mind and laughing at my thoughts…every fucking was doing stuff to piss me off – and aimed at me…everywhere I went…if I turn around to look behind me and BAM someone doing something…

I saw a guy with a thing on his knee – like I’m going to need one and, yeah, my knee has been acting up a little bit…

I had a thought about shampooing my hair and then, two days later, some talk show hosts were talking about “shampoo rinse repeat” as if, do you really need to repeat? Which I had thought about two days ago…

SYNOPSIS1. wherever I go my mind is being read2. my voices can see exactly what I’m seeing…like, my eyes are “camera one, camera two”3. and there is SOMEONE in a room, (maybe more) controlling the whole thing.4. Is it the CIA? Or higher?5. It’s a fairly clandestine group…6. They can touch me (and they seem to have fixated on my butthole)…I get screwed a hundred times a day (in my butt)…they can give me headaches…7. they talk to me via lyrics, on 11 fm radio stations…8. they can talk to me via Talk Show radio stations…9. when it gets bad, AM radio gives me shit…because AM radio is basically talk shows and when it gets bad, all the callers calling in are giving me bad signs…signs, every single station…10. My voices said “you’re going to go far” and I said (via mental telepathy) “as if.”11. this is a bad situation – I listen to the radio to escape voices…Dammit, I heard music in my head kind of covering up the headphone music…because I listen to the radio so that I can choose songs instead of hearing the music my voices play in my head.12. sometimes they squeeze thoughts from my brain and use my thoughts 2 days later on a radio talk show…

I had a few moments of happiness and THEN my voices reminded me of a family member who crashed on a motorcycle…

ALSO – I thought about my life with it’s high highs and even lower lows and the radio said “so you think you can tell, heaven from hell?”

ALSO, I kind of feel like a lost cause…with “world class paranoia.”

Radio – a) it said “You’re going to feel free” (yeah right, I’ve heard THAT one enough) b) and then it said, “you’ll feel like your head will explode” (and I have felt that quite a lot lately).

Jennifer – she said I could put things in her office but I’m afraid that if I do, something’s going to come up missing…for example, I get the newspaper delivered but once a week my voices snatch it.

We went to the bank, for quarters and right in the way was an armored truck and, using my sense of humor I said to Jennifer that “armored trucks give me an erection.”

AT HOME – I did laundry and, right in the way was a “Banner Mattress” truck…now, I’ve heard the commercial for Banner Mattress for maybe a year and it ends up with “Banner Mattress, for the rest of your life.” Meaning to me, I’ll be in this whole fucking thing “for the rest of your life.” And, just while typing this up I heard the commercial in my head..

Z-62 DECEMBERTelevision talking to me:"Don' put yourself in the back seat.Don't deny what you know your truth is.That's what makes you amazing and beautiful and rare and an individual and it radiates out like the most beautiful light...and with loving yourself, you will attract people loving you back"

(it continues) Respect the dignity of your own experience. You are the author of your life...Life can begin again, again and again, and begin regardless of the past."

SONG - "and there’s not too much sadder than the tears of a clown when there's no one around"

"don't let my glad expression, give you the wrong impressiondon't let this smile i wear make you think that i don't care"

SAVE my brain - i feel like (for the 100th time), my head will be saved... and be placed in a earthquake proof container/location (like, the “man with two brains” movie)

SWAP MEET - first thing, my cousin had to take a piss and I was ALL ALONE, feeling scared, alone, naked agorophobic …and things were getting very tough…just me with all my voices squirming around my head…OMG…

The next couple of paragraphs are all concerning an outing at Kolby’s Swap Meet…

ANYWAYS! Yeah people were laughing at my thoughts…

I saw a guy with luggage and it reminded me that I had a piece of luggage, packed just in case I went to the hospital…

I saw a chick in a wheelchair and, when I got scared I was going to be in one, she laughed…as if I won’t be in one???

ANYWAYS, just when I turned around and saw ANOTHER chick In a wheelchair, a guy said “can’t stop now” which, well, I don’t know what the hell THAT means…

It’s bad, it’s not as bad as it can get, but it’s really bad…

Cousin has been in the bathroom for 10 minutes and I’m STILL here, all exposed…it’s incredible, just incredible…

A guy walked by me and said, “there’s not too many people here today” and I thought “thank god!” But, thinking about it, they could make it just as bad, no matter how many people are here…

Anyway, a little kid walked by and said “blood pressure” and, I immediately thought “is mine high?” and then another girl said “Yeah.”

OK, my cousin came back and, looking at his big belly, I got scared that it’s going to happen to me? And then a girl said “yep.”

This is new, I heard a person actually “cough” at my thoughts…

Continuing on the outing, at one point It got really quiet and I thought, “this can be as difficult as hearing voices…I can’t explain it tho…

This is stupid, but damn, there was a painting of a sunset and I thought, “that’s pretty cool!” and the response was laughter from various people around me.

I walked by a radio and it was giving me flattery, saying “she’s a brick house, she’s mighty mighty gonna let it all hang out.”

My cousin took off for a few minutes and, damn, I saw a guy in a wheelchair with no damn legs – as if this will be me. Scares me…

Song…Beatles….aimed at me…”don’t carry the world upon your shoulders” which pretty much sums up my life, because I DO carry the world upon my shoulders…

MANBOOBS – a guy went by with tits three times the size of mine….my voices way of saying that “I’m making a mountain out of molehills” because of my tits…

TEENAGE GIRL – damn, you’d think that I’d be looking at her in a sexy way, whereas, looking at her, I’m thinking “I wish I was that thin.”

I STILL WONDER IF THESE PEOPLE ARE REAL??? I THINK IF I REACHED OUT TO GRAB THEM, I’D BE ABLE TO TOUCH THEM, SO I THINK THEY ARE REAL!

ANYWAYS – a guy walked by with a T-Shirt that said “You ugly” so there goes my self esteem.

THEN a guy walked by with a cell phone and said “I’m just fucking with you man” as if the “ugly” t-shirt was a trick???

INTERCOM at swap meet – “Darr Starr is waiting for you” more fuckingB.S. that I’m going to be a star…

Identity theft – my voices told me they could delete my checking account in a way that nothing can fix…and I totally believe THAT…

Then I heard a “click” meaning they could ruin my account as easy as a “click”.

ANYWAYS, the next day….I’m at day treatment on Sunday and I was contemplating the size of my tits and how I wanted to make them smaller…and, just in time, the announcer at the Charger game says “come to the Hooter’s restaurant.” Ha ha, funny funny.

“We’re really gonna chop her head off!” What a bitch…because i'm not sure if they really can...

ANYWAYS! i'm at the 99 cent store and there's a big bus for a retirement facility (it said "Retirement Village")...it's directly in my path...to me it meant someday i could retire...i don't think so but it's a nice thought...

AT WALMART - I was having a cigarette and (my voices did this) they broke it, ruining it...and a girl walked by and said "sorry."

ANYWAYS, so i'm climbing the steps and the radio said "mr multimedia" which is true becausei get messages from the radio, tv, and newspaper...

RATING THE MESSAGES - the worst was: RADIO.....and the next: television.... and lastly- the newspaper

TALK SHOW DJ SAID THIS: "WE'RE on a secret project using satellites...super secret satellites)"

MORE: "It's an evil satellite"

WALMART outside....smoking at the entrance...all alone, by myself...how can i explain this? It's like watching a mean television....

Z-63 MID DECEMBER I Heard a commericial from triple A that said “we’re ALWAYS with you”….DUH…

My voices said “it’s a slow slow process to make you gay.” They said “It’s a slippery slope.”

RADIO said “We’re going to be rich.” THEN a positive message (I can’t remember what it was) that punctuated the thought meaning I WILL be rich…I just don’t believe this B.S. but, what the hell…

To whomever reads this book…”I hope my living hell is interesting to you”

SONG – I keep hearing this commercial that ends with “expect great things.” Sounds good but I don’t believe it…

MY BRAIN – if they kept it alive I could travel at the speed of light…I could go from Russia (some one else's brain) to Paris (someone else's)…travel at the speed of light!

One of the earliest signs, before I was even aware of it…was a song that went “don’t have to live like a refugee” (when I was living in Linda Vista – where a lot of Vietmanese Refugees lived at that time)…1982….although I had stuff 5 years before…they were monitoring me and stuff…one way, just reading my mind, and monitoring me…

“Pink Floyd song” – “there’s someone in my head and it isn’t me” Well said..

Holiday – “international day of human rights” and I’m thinking I’m the epitomy of someone needing help through this agency…

NEWSPAPER – Tuesday…well the newspaper was kind of talking to me…and the Television…what a bitch…luckily (and it worked) I got my TVO and watched an episode of “Leave it to Beaver.” Altho my voices could even make Leave it to Beaver talk to me…

I’m getting a tad bit of “hospitalization” feeling….so, like I said, I went to Leave it to Beaver to see if beaver will fuck with me….

COMMERCIAL – they talked about “oxygen” in the house (like I’ll need oxygen, what a bitch).

PRINCE SONG THAT SAYS – “Let me tell you there’s an afterlife..you can always see the sun, day or night” it continues “things are much harder than the afterlife, this life you’re on your own.”

RADIO – a TALK SHOW - all they were talking about was cancer, what a bitch.

RADIO – talked about “first loves” and what it would be like to see them…then seeing them 40 years later. i wish I could see my first love....

This I got a kick out of…a guy talks to his therapist and says “do I need medication?” and the therapist says “No, your life just sucks!” Which was succinct because I had said my life sucks in a process group a week earlier.

SHOPPINGOkay so we get to a shopping mall and a car alarm goes off...and on...and off....and on! damn....this was done just to piss me off and it worked.

So i leave wal mart and, then again, the damn alarm starts going on and off again....just waiting for me.

I felt like going to the car and smashing it's window....

Wal Mart - i saw a girl walk by who looked like my sister....the negative part was this was a threat to her....then again...she looked better than my sister so i've decided it means my sister is going to look as good as her....

99 cent store -also, just to piss me off, i get there and there are no shopping carts. i had to do quite a bit of searching til i did find one...

VOICES - they said, in my head, "what would it take for you to quit smoking?" and i said, via ESP "a miracle." and my voices said "expect a miracle"...yeah, right.

A couple of days ago my voices called me "sir"....like i am older than...whomever....you never know, cause they could be any age....

Z-64 – NEARING XMAS!

RADIO talking to me…”it’s all over now baby blue” (I have nice blue eyes!) As if all my voices crap is ending…yeah right…is there ANY FUCKING WAY this could end? (barring suicide)…

SONG IN MY HEAD “paranoia may destroy yea…” super negative but then it said “stay in control” as if I have to…well, stay in control…ride out the storm..

When I die my voices said “it’s not heaven and it’s not hell” and you could look at, for example, Mars…with all the pictures they’ve taken I COULD explore Mars forever…

I guess that could be one of the BIGGEST SIGNS – when I die it’s not heaven and it’s not hell…

Mom – died in 1989…voices said they’ve kept her alive and she’s having the time of her life…and I’m falling for it, dammit…they’ve saying “yes she IS having fun….” They’re saying “Yes, 100%, the biggest message you’ll ever get!”

JUST WHEN I FELL FOR MY MOM BEING ALIVE I HEARD THIS SONG “Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind” meaning my mom was just dust….

PET THERAPY – there was a pet called “Karma” and someone said “GOOD Karma” and I figured it meant…”(a good) car, ma (they call me ma at times)…so it’s means that I’ll get a (good) car!”

TRUCK that was parked outside of PHP...it said “PHS” which made me think of having sex because there’s a song that goes “push push in the bush, push push, in the bush” (PSH instead of PHS) and immediately when I thought of this song I heard the song in my head…so they expected me to think of this…they had this song “cue’d up” and ready to play…

ANYWAY – sexually this one is a great song with a good message but when they are playing it over and over in my head, well you just get tired of it…then they changed it, and when the lyrics said “in the bush” well I FELT it in my booty (they consider my butt to be a vagina…and “cunninglus means my voices going down on my butt, too)…

Then I heard this in my head, again – “paranoia may destroy yea…. STAY IN CONTROL

STEPS – voices said “we’re in control, you’re living a life straight out of the twilight zone” – one of theTRUEST thing I’ve EVER heard!!

COMMERCIAL for a talk show – “are people born gay or can they MAKE you?” and I thought “THEY CAN MAKE YOU”

COMMERCIAL for a website called “Monster dot Com” and I figure they are calling me a monster….

SPIRITUAL MOMENT – I saw a Monarch Butterfly and he landed on the stairs…well he took off and I swear I thought I could hear his wings beating in the air…

TVo’d a show and my voices put a show into it’s place; all about expensive houses (20 million and change) and damned, I was soooo fucking jealous…also when I see people in cars I WISH I could have a car…

ANXIETY GROUP – they talked about relaxing your mouth and IMMEDIATELY I felt a penis in my mouth…

Then they said “go to a quiet, safe place” and, immediately, I felt like my butt was getting screwed (they do this every day anyways).

ON THE STEPS – Out of nowhere I felt a penis in each hand, and something up my butt…and a guy masturbated on my chest…what a bitch!

Now I’m seeing my sister’s dog right in front of me and he’s barking right in my face (not the real dog, just like a vision). And this dog likes me! I hope when I get to my sister’s house on xmas he doesn’t bite me because they could arrange it.

TALK SHOW- two of the DJ’s said they were atheists…and that, “no matter how sure you are, there’s a kernel of doubt”…but thinking about it…I BELIEVE IN GOD AND REALLY DON’T HAVE A KERNEL OF DOUBT.

They are trying to make me an atheist but I just won’t go there.

FOR EXAMPLE, look at the fucking sun…what do they think, man could make it? The universe is so vast and empty…how could you NOT BELIEVE?

I read that the “KGB” and the “CIA” sometimes cooperate with each other so I guess, maybe I’m not only “national” but I’m “international.” But my voices pooh-poohed that notion because when I typed up the word “international” the radio next to me got blanked out for a few seconds which means “blank spot” or rather “B.S.” (Blank Spot).

Because I’m pretty sure I’m national, if not “international.”

LYRICS talking to me -“I’VE gotta do it my way, or now way at all.”

FREE WILL – free will can be altered…for example, my voices almost continuously “screw me” in the butt…then while masturbating they give me “electric” hard on…and I’m looking at chicks…then I get a crick in my neck, and I HAVE to move my head sideways and IMMEDIATELY I’m looking at a guy’s dick. This one is hard to explain but I did my best…it’s “free will” getting bent out of sight. And, after looking at this guy I get a (controlled by my voices) huge orgasm…

MADONNA LINKS – well last year I fell and hurt myself on her birthday. So this year I’m worried about what’s gonna happen to me next time? SO, on her birthday it turns out she fell off a horse…coincidence? Don’t think so..

Oh, Madonna had said (in a book I read) she felt like “Elvis died on her birthday for a reason. I’ve had a celebrity or two mysteriously die.

WARREN BEATTY – said to Madonna “don’t you know that everyone around you feels crazy?” and she just accepted it.

HILARIOUS – after doing these “Madonna” entries I put on my headphones and radio and the next song I heard was a Madonna song…

And it went like this: (aimed at me of course) – “get into the groove you’ve got to prove your love to me” and five years ago I would have fell for this but NOT NOW. As if she “loves” me LOL.”

ANOTHER song aimed at me: “I believe in miracles, where you come, you sexy thing” as if I’m a sexy thing…a miracle being (for me) to quit smoking….but again, when I typed out MIRACLE the radio did another “Blank Space” – B.S. moment…

ANOTHER MADONNA SONG – well, I heard the one song above aimed at me…then I went to clubhouse and, first thing I heard on a table radio was a Madonna Christmas song…

SONOFABITCH – I went to dinner with my daughter (who I’m always worried is going to have my problems) and my voices were keeping me on edge…laughing at my thoughts…just a ton of stuff….i was feeling closed in, surrounded…especially since I just couldn’t go outside to smoke…

STEPS, Friday 29th – I heard a noise and I looked up and saw a Good Year blimp…to me this meant I’ll have a good year! God I’m hoping for THAT one…

SUICIDE – some times I feel like people want me to commit suicide…I’ve been at the edge of bridges three times…tried to gas myself in my grandmother’s house…looked around for hours for an open garage to die of carbon monoxide (by parking my car in it)…bought a hose and tried to connect it to my exhaust for about 45 minutes to die (again) by carbon monoxide. Didn’t work….took all the pills I had in the house once…and one time when I was close to suicide, standing on a bridge, I ASKED for a sign from my voices to tell me to do it…I just WANTED them to say “do it.” And THEY DIDN’T…

P.S. I’m not suicidal now.

SHOPPING AT THE 99 CENT STORE - they didn't (just to piss me off) have any shopping carts nearby...finally when i found one, just as i got there some one honked their horn...not loud, just two taps, real light....i got the message that i'll be pushing one someday.....

SATURDAY - grocery shopping...people in scooters were always getting in my face (as if I'LL be in a scooter)....it's a real bad sign...

TV TALKING TO ME - "the edge is never dull" and, two minutes later the TV said "the edge is never boring"

GROUP WITH NICOLE AT PHP – someone in the group said something that sounded like you’re worth $12 million…they said something else but to me it sounded like I’m worth 12 million…and that’s exactly how my voices wanted it to sound….

OH MY GOD ! In a group I was tired and I closed my eyes and I “saw” in my mind a dog…and my voices said “he wants to fuck you.” And I just started laughing out loud…which no one else knew why I was laughing….

JANUARY – I’m thinking my voices are with the C.I.A. and I’m wondering if it’s in collusion with the KGB….and maybe England’s intelligence agency? Maybe if, all over the world, people are watching and, during especially interesting moments, they aren’t hitting the bathroom when they’d like to because they want to see WHAT’S HAPPENING NEXT??? Actually, that’s what’s always in my mind – “what’s happening next?”

HERE’S A SIGN! I’ve been watching a show called “breaking Bonaduce.” It’s about Danny Bonaduce’s life…(he was “Danny Partridge” in “The Patridge Family” in the 70’s). And I was happy to hear he was coming onto a radio talk show that I could listen to on Jauary 2. THEN on January 2, I saw a VW Micro bus van in psychedelic colors drive through program…it immediately made me think of the “The Partridge Family” because they had a big bus in psychedlic colors…I got a kick out of that one…

WELL, my voices always tell me I’m going to hell…and there’s a song that says “I’m on the Highway to Hell” and then it says “I’m on the way to the promised land.” So, MAYBE these guys from AC/DC and going through this just like me? And maybe….

MOVIE – there’s a movie about the CIA, it’s supposed to be a good thriller but, damn, I LIVE it…so I won’t see it…

THIS BOOK DEALIE – at least I’m working on something…it’s a job…

THIS IS INTERESTING – I’ve told people that it feels like my head’s going to explode…and one of the talk shows played a clip of Chris Farley (fantastic comedian) and he said “My head’s going to explode.” He said this when he was alive, (duh) which was years ago so he was going through what I’M going through. Because he said it years before I did….

Z-66 MID JANUARY

TELEVISION – the TV said, “yes, there are going to be obstacles but you can get the thing done” as if my book is going to succeed…complete and utter B fricking S I think…

When I’m thinking over something wrong that I did 26 years ago the radio said “let it go, leave it alone.”

My life, the reality show…the radio said “this makes for good T.V. we’ll keep it going as long as we can.” Yeah, I know the RADIO said it..but they STILL meant that my life makes for good TV.

Radio said “it’s morbid and depressive.” As if my life is…

IN GROUP - they mentioned, in a hand out, “self talk often appears in telegraphic form” and I changed it to “self talk often appears in TELEPATHIC form.

RADIO SAID – “He’s a clown and he’s overrated.” Meaning me… It occurred to me, like in “the Truman Show” there’s a HUGE file on me…

IN GROUP we had “the Worrier” and something like, “stop worrying or something.” Because I DO think I’mA worrier.

A song came on that said “Gimme some loving” and instantly I felt “it” in my butt. As if my voices want sex,

LIKE I’VE SAID – my voices seem really pleased to touching my booty all the time.

SECTION 8The night before section 8 was going to show up I had, INCREDIBLE ! anxiety…I went from couch, to bed, I tried to watch TV but no…and my best coping skill, cigarettes, didn’t even help…I think it lasted about an hour, but OMG!

FRIDAY while waiting for section 8 to show up I got the “pinky” thing going on big fricking time; to the max.

Slow Suicide: my voices MAKE me smoke and it’s like slow suicide..,

SATURDAY, shopping….i was waiting for my cousin to cash a check and cars were honking at my thoughts; and the pinky thing was acting up…stuff going around me and stuff…and, (again) my head felt like it was going to explode…

SHOPPING – people were “doing things” to me and I felt like running my shopping cart into theirs…and I told them ‘FUCK YOU” telepathically….i think that got my message out…they did things just enough to make me simmer.

SONG – “you can check out any time your life but you can never leave…” makes sense…”I can never leave”

OPRAH – this was aimed at me…because last week I forgot to do one of my sheets (while doing laundry) and at the end of Oprah she said “wash your sheets.”

My girlfriend went to the hospital and my voices said “that relationship will only become stronger.” I HOPE THAT ONE IS TRUE.

Madonna – “I made it through the wilderness, some how I made it through” It reminds me of going through homelessness and how I made it thru...

SICK THOUGHTS – The chaplain said to a girl, “let God into your relationship” which made me think “that’s the sickest thing I ever heard! It’s just…it’s weird thinking that while having sex, God is watching, but damn, he MUST be…

I’m not really up on prayer…in the paper they checked on people (20,000 in all) and being prayed for didn’t help…of course, I do think it would help THE PERSON who is doing the praying…so I think I’m going to start praying at least twice daily…

MARRIAGE – my girlfriend is hinting….strongly…that she wants marriage…when I said “no” she said “Let’s give it some time.” WON’T CHANGE MY MIND, THO, I’m never getting married…I guess I think I should tell her NOW…

SONG (Aerosmith) - I’ve had this song many times, aimed at me “Dude look like a lady”, “dude look like a lady.”

AS IF MY BOOK WOULD FAIL – (rolling stones song) – “you can’t always get what you want (my book to be successful) but you get what you need…meaning social security and section 8…

BULIMIA – I tried this a couple of times…

I SAW A GOOD YEAR BLIMP and, for a second I thought “I will have a good year” then a couple of hours later a talk show guy changed that to “Blimp” as if I’m fat…

RADIO – for awhile I was afraid to change the channel on the radio, because my voices wanted to give me “signs”…like I was going to offend my voices if I didn’t stay on a radio station to get a message.

I thought “if I DO change the channel everything will be negative…”

Then they said “change the station, we’ll be WAITING FOR YOU…” as if, negative stuff…

RADIO TALK SHOW said “stick around Danny, we’ll see you when we get to the other side of the break”- That was real weird….

SONG AIMED AT ME “When your in doubt, when you’re in danger, just remember I will always be there”

THIS IS COOL! It just occurred to me…that I’m in a nice apartment…and I was thinking, Bayview is like my mansion…computers…groups…tons of friends…and I get driven in….it’s my Kingdom..like my personal property….stuff like that! I get driven in, my personal driver….

Tuesday I think – my voices said “You used to have confidence, hope and dreams….then they said, “Let’s get that back.” Because I kind of lost all of them…hope, confidence and dreams…

Z-67 LATE JANUARYA song came on the radio saying “love stinks” and I changed it to “LIFE stinks.” Well it does…

I’ve come to feeling like my house is “government property”…me too, actually…

RADIO –“ there’s a light in the end of the tunnel. Keep going on…”

COMMERCIAL about life insurance…somehow they stuck in the word “homeless” which I’m always afraid of happening to me…

DOUBLE CROSS – (they did this before)…They are saying stuff I gleaned isn’t true…I KNOW it’s perfectly true…so now (like I did last time), I’m only going to say stuff that is BLATANT…for the meantime…ULTRA BLATANT…because I have an imagination but I can’t come up with the radical stuff they throw at me…

NOW – I’m only going to say blatant stuff…it’s to the point where (almost!) I won’t write stuff down unless they say “DAN KILCUP.” I’m kidding of course but you get the message…

TALK SHOW – I had to put this in. A guy called in and said “you’re government property.”

Then I heard it again, in the span of one minute…

WOW, this I call blatant! I had to put this one in….”I am the eye in the sky, watching you, I can read your mind”… It makes me feel like this is done via satellites…

I saw a T-shirt that said “gold” because my voices call my thoughts “gold” especially when I’m undergoing stress…sometimes they say it’s “pure gold.” So yeah…

HEADACHE – I feel it where they used to do lobotomies and I think it’s a sign to get shock treatment because I’ve always felt like shock treatments are modern-day lobotomies…

SPIRITUALITY – I did my usual “astronomy” bit where I feel spirituality thinking of stars and stuff…and it occurred to me…we’re 93 million miles away from a star…we’re THAT close to an actual star! And it uses million of tons of energy every second YET, it’ll last 5 billion years!

MY LIFE – this is a ride, this is a ride! A radical fucking ride…

SONG AIMED AT ME: “watch the basket people walk around and mumble” I’M SCARED THAT’S GOING TO BE ME!

Again I had the ubiquitious feeling that my head is going to explode…coupled with nausea…that I’m going to throw up….

TALK SHOW – well I escape from my voices by listening to Talk shows…but I had to go to music (where lyrics talk to me) because I was listening to a talk show and heard music in my head covering the talk show (again).

So my voices want me (I presume) to listen to music that is giving me signs via lyrics….

I stepped outside of PHP and a car revved it’s engine…it’s sounded like “Move” (a bad sign) and then I heard “Never” as if to “never move”. A good sign because my voices always tell me I’m going to have to move…) So I HOPE “never move” is correct…or is it more B.S.? because I get B.S. ALL THE TIME…

I then heard the same “Never move” sign, but from a different car this time.

SONG (aimed at me) “I’m glad you picked up on my mental telepathy.”

FROM TIME TO TIME – I feel a ring around my neck (like a necklace) and it’s saying my head is going to be cut off…and kept alive…like a tight necklace…

When I have a girl in my house, sorry to say, but I attemp to “use” my voices by turning her on…electronically…

While walking from the steps to the clubhouse, directly in my path was an oxygen machine…as if I’ll be using one…

CLUBHOUSE – I was working on my book and, when I finished, I turned on my radio and I immediately heard “best selling author” which kind of amused me…

SONG AIMED AT ME: It was “Angie” by the Rolling Stones and a lyric came on that said “ain’t it good to be alive” and, for that nanosecond I agreed…don’t know about 5 minutes from now, but for this one moment I felt good…

BUT EARLIER ON IN THE DAY A SONG CAME ON THAT SAID: “It’s a great day to be alive”…and I felt like “that doesn’t make sense to ME.”

Z-68 STILL JANUARYAs I said, I’m just an “ex-USD student going through incredible times!”

Song aimed at me (I’ve heard this song since 1985) that said “you want it all but you can’t have it…it’s in your face but you can’t grab it.” Meaning? I want my book to be successful but “I can’t have it.” And, seeing the video on TV…”It’s in your face but you can’t grab it.” Like, success is right in front of my face and I’ll never succeed.

COMMERCIAL – “Don’t your worry ‘bout a thing” – wishful thinking…

Lately I’ve been “fixating” on Diana Ross (instead of Madonna)…because I saw a picture of her and she looks great…for her age…and she came out with an album called “I love you.” Which I took it personally…THEN a radio station came out with a website picture of her, without makeup, and that totally sank my view of her…

SONG aimed at me: “Mister roboto-(I’m a robot)” “Secret secret, I’ve got a secret.” ”I’ve become the modern man.” “too much techonology…”

“I’ve come to help you with your problems so we can all be free.” Nice sentiment…

Prince: “dream of outrageous dreams” and “all found in your wildest dreams.” All we want is a “love bizarre”

Then someone walked by and said “millions” and quickly another said “I told you so!” more B fricking S….

VOICES – “give it up…go to the hospital.”

Prince: “erotic city” – this means to me that everyone around me (kind of like “the city”) is ALL horny….

Sunday, on the van, I swear I heard the dj say “Kilcup” Now THAT’S blatant…

STEPS – I’ve heard this commerical on the radio before but I dismissed it…BUT, when I got to the steps and turned on the radio, immediately I heard “be a lady tonight.” Blatant enough…

I feel it in my butt all the damn time but once the radio said: “we love you” Not I love you, but WE love you…and I thought when I’m having sex I have someone in me, and someone in her…group sex without trying…

Also, the usual voices (they are guys), two of them, are having sex in front of me…

Beverly Hills that’s where I want to be, living in Beverly hills, that’s not where I belong…now I KNOW that’s b.s.!

I’M AFRAID OF HAVING TO MOVE…and if I do I’m thinking of myriad options including camping somewhere around Bayview…at least the commute will be a breeze…

I wonder if Madonna gets headaches? Like, every bad headache is worth it (like 10 million dollars?) I really think she does. Whereas I’d do a headache for 10,000…well I’d do a run of the mil headache for 1,000…but I wouldn’t do it with some of the bad (voices controlled) headaches…I remembered one it was OFF THE CHARTS…

FLATTERY (to me) – “you are beautiful in every single way, words can’t bring you down. So don’t you bring me down today.”

Madonna talking to me: (SONG) “You have the courage to love me, for me…how valuable you are, and what the world can see.” So I started fantasizing about “valuable” and someone said “absolutely.”

It continues: “your love has given me hope.”

I think this is despicable but when I try to pray, I see porn in my mind’s eye. You’d think SOME THINGS would be sacred…I guess not.

Spirituality on Sunday…I had the ubiquitious “pinky” think going on…

My voices said “BEING ALIVE MEANS YOU ARE PRAYING IN SOME FORM…Then they said I’m under constant prayer…but I think it’s more like “constant survellance.”

I sat down in a group and I saw a magazine…I turned it over and it said “VICTORY.”But it was just wishful thinking…

I don’t remember what time this happened but I felt the “ring around my neck” feeling again…

AS ALWAYS this song came on: “we don’t need now education….we don’t need no thought control.”

DJ talking about a car breaking down…”I don’t want to see you on the shoulder of the road or getting abducted by a mental patient” that personally pissed me off…I’m the most harmless person there is…

ON THE STEPS TUESDAY – A counselor said “It looks like the cats enjoy it! (watching me do the steps)” And I laughed REAL HARD in my mind…because I DID see a cat…they may have been controlled too…I mean they can if my voices wanted to (controll them…)

ON THE STEPS – someone asked me if Johnnie was on the computer and immediately I thought of me being a “john” as if I were to pick up a hooker…but I figured that song MIGHT have meant something else – it was’t blatant enough…but then a couple of seconds later on the radio a song came on with the lyrics “Johnnie.”

Z-69 FEBRUARYMADONNA has a song that says “If you read my mind.”

I consider myself a lost cause schizophrenic….

There’s a Beatles song that goes “lady Madonna….. listen to the music playing in your head”

Relationships group…The guy running the group said he’s had the same wife for ten years and I thought I’d rather have a new girlfriend every 3 months. Kind of like I have it now.

I was working at General Dynamics and I hadn’t had sex for years…well I lived ½ block from El Cajon Blvd and, at a whim, I pulled up next to a girl and, bingo, I had sex…so I started doing this once a week or so…the incredible convenience!

SONG about my current girlfriend – “Hold on loosely but don’t let go”

There’s a commercial by AAMCO Transmissions which pisses me off…it goes “I don’t want to see you on the side of the road getting hit by a drunk driver or being abducted by a mental case…Which I took personally because I’m the most harmless person there is…

SONG aimed at me – “You’ve been working too hard and that’s a fact.” SUPER TRUE because mentally I’VE BEEN WORKING HARD AS OF LATE…

Saturday – 27th – my day off…it was a real bitch of a day…I just wanted the day to end so I could go to program on Sunday…it was my day off but I DID get out of the house which usually helps…oh, my cousin gave me a tour of the neighborhood hookers…he’s a Jehovah witness but still told me stuff like “this girl is here every day” and this one and this one…It’s like, there’s a hot chick and IF I WANTED TO, I could be having sex with this one, or this one, etc..

SUNDAY – the chaplain inadvertantely called me “john” and it made me think of the days when I picked up hookers….also I had the damn pinky finger going…but that’s basically everyday.

Prayer at spirituality group – when we prayed, for once I didn’t see porn when I had my eyes closed…Because I USUALLY do see porn…

BEATLES SONG – “nobody told me there’d be days like these, nobody told me there’d be days like these, strange days indeed, most peculiar mama…I KNOW he was going through this too….

MATH – I do math in my head quite a bit…like if I had the world “billion”, I figure, hey there’s 300,000,000 people in the U.S. so that’s $3 dollars a person…

A SONG by Elton John – “when are ya gonna come down, when are ya gonna land?” which makes me think of suicide…as if, when are you going to land (like off a bridge)…No I’m not going to jump, it’s just what occurs to me listening to this song…

I said this a long time ago but in 1985 I “picked” Madonna, and I “picked” Cyndia Lauper and a year later (they aren’t friends) they ended up in the same elevator…

MONDAY 29th – I guess I have a depression going today….it’s usually just stress and anxiety….but I felt depressed today….and the steps didn’t help which is really weird….thankfully Fred gave me a little bit of laughter….

Z-70 MID FEBRUARYON THE STEPS – listening to music in my head…same song, monotonous…on a whim I thought “can I make the music skip?” and, sure enough, the song skipped….

TALK SHOW – a dj said “impatient?” but it sounded too close to “In patient?” THAT scares me because I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL...

I thought in my head, “DANNY’S FRICKING BOOK – and seconds later the DJ said “fricking”. I kind of felt excited, what with my thoughts going directly on the radio…

A song aimed at me: “Wondering where my life is leading, rolling on to the bitter end.”

Saturday and Sunday I Just wanted to sleep…I was looking at the clock wanting time to go faster so I could sleep…I’m feeling kind of exhausted…

THURSDAY FEBRUARY 1– A Helicopter flew over Bayview, real low…I would be real paranoid if it was real but I think it was just a hallucination…regardless, I’m frightened…

OH, I’m the product of a 15 year old mother if that means anything….

My mom caught me putting on make up when I was five…she didn’t get pissed, she just laughed it off…this made me feel mischievous looking back on it..

PINKY STUFF – Last night I had the “pinky” deal (threat to my family)…it’s happened before but it only lasted ½ an hour instead of the usual 6 hours in a row (where you have to go to the hospital…) since it finally went away I felt ultra-relieved…

And yeah, like I said, I had depression lately where I just wanted to sleep my life away…a bout of depression….

I had been a “3” (out of a 10) lately because of depression but the CLOUDS OF DEPRESSION have lifted today. Feeling kind of optimistic…

I’m here at clubhouse and they have the radio on and it’s a song by Prince who I really like…and he’s playing halftime at the Super Bowl…I don’t know how it would feel…but it would be incredible if I got a “sign” while watching the Super Bowl…

LISTENING TO A SONG and the lyrics were “I like the way you shake your ass bitch” and then my booty started swaying back and forth as I walked…they hadn’t done this for twenty years….then I was touched in the booty and it is indescribable but it felt like someone had ejaculated between my butt…and it felt just like my butt was wet…this is something else I hadn’t experienced for 20 years…last time it happened I had some toilet paper and went to dry it off and there was nothing there…I’m feeling hopeless now…

Bayview – I’m real scared Bayview will shut down…there’s talk as of late…I don’t know what’s going to happen to me if it does….anxiouty and fear...

A GROUP – the moderator said “who here feels like they will always be in mental health situations?” and I said “yes…because my voices have invested 22 years (probably more) in me and I can’t believe after all this time, as of a sudden they’d stop….i’d pray for it but I don’t expect it to work…I kind of feel miserable contemplating this…

FRED’S CD group (I guess that could cover nicotine addiction)…and I HAD to leave group early…my fricking head felt like it was going to explode…same as Chris Farley felt…I heard a DJ and he played a tape of Chris Farley saying “my head feels like it’s going to explode” and he said that ten years ago (when he was alive obviously) so he was going through some of the same stuff I’M going through…I’m surprised, thinking about chris farley and me having the same problem…

A LADY TALKING TO A DOG – she said “stay, stay” and, to me this meant I’ll stay in my apartment, a good sign…but then she said “No, no.” and this meant “don’t stay.”

PRODUCE STORE – I ran out of bags to put produce in and, just when I turned around, there was a bag and I thought “thanks, voices” but then when I put bananas in it it broke so now it was “thanks, a lot voices.” (I’m being sarcastic.)

99 cent store – I had some gay thoughts, I couldn’t help it…so I’m walking down the aisle and there’s a gay looking guy behind me, like 15 feet and then my fricking pants started sliding down (from behind) lower and lower (courtesy of my voices). Damn…I’m feeling embarrassed what with my pants sliding way down right down in front of a gay dude…

PRINCE SONG – “some say a man ain’t truly happy ‘til he truly dies.” How do I feel? Optomistic…

SIGN ON THE ROAD – “Detour.” When I thought I was going to be a rock star this sign meant “D (as in Dan), then “tour” like being in a rock band touring…NOW I can laugh at this!

“The waiting is the hardest part.” I feel horrible because this means inheriting a chunk of money…but someone has to die before this happens and I feel SO DAMN BAD that I fantasize inheriting money this way…just damn awful…I tell my voices to stop! Stop! Stop! When they try to talk me into this I think of it for 10 seconds before I stop the thought process…and I have a disgusted feeling…because I fell for the thought for like 10 seconds…

SONG AIMED AT ME – the lyrics are “He’s a loser but he keeps on trying” As if, “I’M a loser but I keep on trying.”

SONG (concerning my book)– we’ve gotta hold on to what we’ve got, it doesn’t matter if we make it or not. We’ve got each other and that’s a lot…take my hand and we’ll make it I swear, living on a prayer…living on a prayer…we’re ½ way there and we’ll make it I swear, oh, living on a prayer…at this point I feel excited thinking my damn book is going to succeed….

SONG (very bad!) – “you’re back on the street like you didn’t miss a beat” meaning I’m going to be homeless AGAIN…

My voices are (again!) making my hips swivel like a chick coupled with a feeling in my booty like my butt’s wet from sperm….i don’t know how but, they can give me the wet feeling in the butt even when it’s not…at this point I feel humiliated…

WOW, ON THE SUPER BOWL! You may recall a number of times in the last few months I’ve said that my head feels like it’s going to explode…then, on super bowl Sunday they had a commercial where a guy says “I feel like my head is going to explode.” I don’t know why but I’m kind of happy because of this…..as if someone very high knows about this….i mean, damn, the commercial was on during the Super Bowl…

MONDAY, FEB 6 – a song came on that said “more bounce to the ounce.” This always means my man boobs are going to get bigger….an embarrassing feeling…

MADONNA AGAIN – two years ago on her birthday I fell down in my bedroom and hurt my leg…I turned on the radio and it said “don’t worry. (it’s not broke)” SOOO, on her birthday this year I was worried what’s going to happen THIS time? And I turned on the internet and SHE fell down off a horse on her birthday, broke like six bones…nevertheless, I’ll be scared when her birthday comes around again...

AGAIN – my butt feels like it’s getting wet….

REFERENCE TAKING A VACATION TO WASHINGTON DC “You are now free to move about the country.” (air plane commercial), Just thinking about the plane trip makes me feel undecided…

GETTING SCREWED IN THE BUTT - damn this is becoming a theme…embarrassing and/or humiliated…

SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY as if I do, which is damn true.

FRED’S GROUP – we were talking about how my daughter adores me which is true tho I don’t know why… I was only in and out of her life her first 9 years; I paid no child support…I guess the only difference is when she was 11 I took her out places (once a week), mostly to lake murray where I bought some bread and we fed ducks…and when she got married she walked down the aisle by her self so as to not offend me or her step-dad….regardless, I’m happy she DOES feel this way…

STEPS – I feel like my head is going to get cut off because I have a ring feeling around my neck.. This is a negative feeling…

Z-71 MARC HI saw a license plate that said “MOV” (as if I’m going to have to move) and I hope not…then my voices said “lie” as if I’m going to move is a“lie.”

I have a horrible feeling when I see a license plate that says “CMH” which means Cutting My Head and keeping it alive…

SOMETIMES I FANTASIZE ABOUT INHERITING MONEY for 20 seconds and it’s horrible because someone would have to die….i feel so bad when they make me think of this for, like I said, 20 seconds…

SUICIDE attempts (I haven’t been suicidal for 3 years)….I drove over the Coronado bridge twice…the edges of other bridges 3 times…carbon monoxide (via car) twice (drove around for hours looking for an open garage door to drive in…natural gas in a house once…I used to fantasize for HOURS about the Coronado bridge….i was at a board and care and fantasized about setting a fire and breathing in the fumes…and lastly, I was in the hospital and felt suicidal but I didn’t have any meds…ANYWAY, I was out of the hospital and experiencing voices and my voices flashed back to the time I was suicidal but didn’t have any meds and, remembering how that felt I took all the meds I had in the house….as I’ve said, I haven’t been suicidal for 3 years…

Masturbation – Sometimes my voices get me to have gay thoughts and I go with the flow…THEN when I’m done I feel so disgusted…

BEATLES SONG – “I’m just a man in the middle of something that he doesn’t understand.”

WOW! SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL – it was about a robot who is depressed and jumps to his death…I’M A ROBOT! However I won’t jump to my death…

GROCERY SHOPPING – It wasn’t REALLY bad but quite tough…and I ran into a lady on oxygen (as if that’s going to be me).

I’ve said this before but I believe my voices could sterilize handles on doors, on the toilet handle, doorknobs…whatever a person touches…even at OPS...oh, then my voices said “it’s a good idea.”

Umbrella effect – I’m not 100 percent sure but I think my voices could put me under an electronic umbrella so I wouldn’t get rained on…like I said, I’m not 100 percent sure…

SONG – “Suicide Blond” and I thought of Anna Nicole Smith (the blond who died)…and they began blaming me for it…I just said “No! No! No it’s not my fault!” THEN they went back to their usual, that being, licking my booty.”

SPIRITUALITY – I mentioned (in spirituality group) having a spiritual feeling on the steps by looking at a leaf….

PRAY – I pray fairly often…I don’t feel like it’ll work at all but it makes me feel good regardless….

This is great but a DJ said “How she didn’t end up in burn ward I’ll never know” which means a lot to me because one time I used natural gas to die with and I’m luckier than hell it didn’t explode and give me horrible scars….I’ve really got to thank them that they didn’t cause an explosion that would leave me with horrible scars…I mean, they could cause a spark to make it happen…

FEBRUARY 12, MONDAY – while waiting for the van to take me home a tough feeling of agaraphobia kicked in…I just wanted to get home…I felt very closed in with my thoughts being “broadcast” to others…what a bitch I tell ya…

COMMERCIAL – “We’ll get you to a better place” - I HOPE so because right about now I’m in a bad place whew! I feeling fricking horrible…

WRAP UP OF THE DAY SO FAR – it’s 2pm, Monday, February 12….Started the day great, we got in on the van early so I got in 35 minutes on the steps immediately…in group I was a “7” out of ten…and I wrote down that I was feeling pretty good…Oh yeah, I felt energetic…what a great start!

THEN as the day went on it got worse and worse and I can’t really explain it other than it was a subliminal thing going on…I think I was tired of “thinking.”

ALL IN ALL it was a rough, it was a tough day…I was just wishing for the day to end so I could sleep…

OH, MY VOICES said “there’s 7 guys and two chicks controlling you.” Probably a bunch of crap but it was intriguing in a way…and I wondered if they were good looking? And I wondered how old they are??

CARTOON – THIS one hit home - a psychiatrist says to his patient “you’re not crazy, your life just sucks.”

Oh I have scars behind my ears, multiple and I realized they are like my daughters because she has like 4 earings so…it’s a threat to her…

VOLUNTEER JOBS – what stops me??? Voices can see what I see (like in a control room) and they control virtually everything I do…I have smell hallucinations, tactile hallucinations and audible hallucinations…I have like 10 stations on the radio talking to me…the lyrics to songs actually….TALK SHOWS talk to me occasionally whereas music stations, like I said talk to me gangbusters…the lyrics are ten times worse…so I kind of “hide” by listening to talk shows…when I can’t smoke my voices “touch” my pinky – most people know the pinky thing…so when I can’t smoke I’m being tortured by threats to my family…damn…I can barely make it through groups because, yeah, they do the pinky thing…I dunno…almost continuously….

If I felt able to work, I’d take a loan out for 2,000 bucks, buy a high end computer, spend 500 bucks on software, and work on that software til I was an expert! Because this is exactly what I did when I went to work for General Dynamics…I got a job on software but I wasn’t proficient so I would take home the manual at night and within three days I was an expert…for example, there’s a girl named Joni who I worked with in 1985 and she is working on computers to this day and I was waaay more proficient…so hey, without the fucking voices/tv radio, newspaper I’d be employed…in the computer world…so I’m stuck with being at home, and being at day treatment, my only two sanctuaries…and, yeah, like I always say, I HATE being in public because often it’s just too damn tough…

VOICES – whenever I’m up I’ve got voices micro managing me…and sometimes they intrude in my dreams…at the beginning of the day they know how many calories I’ll eat…how many cigarettes I smoke….all knowing like a god I must say. (they LIKE it when I refer to them as God which I hate.)

KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN – I was working at KFC 9 years ago and my voices took me off the job. They did the “pinky” thing again…while I was working all I could was worry about my family…I’ve already stated what pinky thing means…so when people came in to work, and they asked who wants to go home, I said “ME!” even if I’d only been working ½ an hour…

Z-72 MARCH (STILL)Well my voices kidded around, telling me I’d have to be a prostitute, which I totally didn’t believe…then I heard a song that went “Roxanne (meaning me), you don’t have to put on the red light.” As if prostitution is B.S. which I already knew…

??? I’m wondering if my voices can protect my ears…maybe beam music directly into my head and bypassing the ear entirely…I’m still going to keep the volume down, tho…

Just walking to the mailbox and back I saw a “sign” and it was a guy who looked like a guy I know who wants to fuck me…

MY DAY OFF – I always look forward to it…sleeping in and stuff…then the hard reality is I end up sleeping like 15 minutes more and that’s about it…and paranoia creeping in as the day goes…finally I’m like “I need to get back to day treatment…

This MIGHT be good…well when I see a u-haul truck it means “to move”…then I fixated on the orange color (like on a U-Haul Truck) and I got…”ORANGE = NO GO.” (don’t move)…I think it’s wishful thinking but it helps…(then someone around me said “that’s just wrong…

Now my voices are calling me a GAY PORN STAR….because I’m with a different guy every night (when masturbating…

FORGOT MY HEADPHONES TODAY – This was a bad thing…I began hearing songs in my head, what a bitch…and I had to fight it and fight it…they’d play a song with a “bad sign” and play it over and over again……oh the fight…oh, I’ve had worse but this was a battle regaradless. I tell you, one time they did this and I had to go to the hospital…

SO I began “playing” a song in the head, a jazz song with no lyrics…I decided whenever a song intruded into my brain I’d try to play this jazz song…

I HAD A PLAN – that was to offer money to anyone with headphones…I offered people money til I found someone…if not, I was going to buy one at Long’s Drugs…I hope the headphones are at home because if they aren’t I’d make an emergency run to wal mart…I can’t live without the radio…

GOD – I hate it but sometimes I accidentally call my voices God which they really like…but it’s just a damn person in my head, not god…Because my voices are CLOSE to being like god…I swear, they know me better than I know himself…

ANYWAYS, my voices piped in the theme song of “Leave it to Beaver” and I went with that song…it’s relaxing to me…soooo, now I’m listening to Leave it to Beaver…NOW the plan is if I hear a BAD song I’ll counteract it with Leave it to Beaver…

NOW they are playing “more bounce to the Ounce” which means (they COULD do this) they are going to make my breasts bigger…BACK to Leave it to Beaver…(the song I counteracted with “more bounce to the ounce.”)

Interesting…they started playing Eddie Haskell, when he’s talking to June Cleaver…I heard “Good morning mrs. Cleaver.” And she says hello back…

BITCH – I’m listening to this over and over…

NEXT! They are playing “stairway to heaven” a song I love but I heard it twice last week…regardless, I listened to this song…

THANK GOD – someone had headphones and I was back in business!

Oh yeah, previously, when I was listening to songs in my head I made the song skip and skip at random…I just don’t know how they can do this!

SOMETIMES, when I’m listening to the radio, the REALIZATION that it’s AIMED at me made me feel totally amazed…like I said 10 stations aimed at me…AND IT’S JUST FRICKING INCREDIBLE…

BACKGROUND – I was in “advanced math” from grade 7 – 12…and we took a reading test (at grade 7) and it said I was reading at grade 10.5 level…

Sunday, 18th of February – (BAD SIGN) – “it’s just a little too late” and I felt like they were telling you my book wasn’t going to succeed…

Madonna’s song –“Holiday… we need something to release the pressure, just for just one day it would be nice Holiday” - this rang true because lately I had a ton of pressure and I needed a Holiday….things were just going horrible…and I needed a holiday….

Z-73 MARCHSooo true…I’m laughing on the outside, crying on the inside…

I’m walking and trying to relax…but they jammed a song directly into my head…and it was LOUD…so I had to turn on the radio…as I always say, if I listen to the radio I can choose songs that don’t have negative messages…

CHRIS FARLEY – I keep hearing him on the radio saying “I feel like my head is going to explode” which sums it up for me exactly…because I’ve felt that way for awhile now…

OMG – I heard a song I haven’t heard for 20 years…they were just saving this one up for me…it goes “voices, I hear voices”

Radio DJ chick said “they’re awesome” and I thought it meant my man boobs…THEN the radio DJ said (20 seconds later) something like “what a pair.”

MORNING MEETING – I went to the 9:30 am morning meeting and they anxiety was real tough…I hung in there, hung in there, FINALLY I gave up and went outside for a smoke…

CHINESE PARADE – I was walking around looking for a cup of coffee when BAM! The ubiquitous UHAUL truck showed up….(it means to “move”)

ANYWAY! So I’m still looking around when the uhaul truck ran around the corner and I saw it AGAIN…

So, I was looking for coffee and went into a bar and the music playing was “burning down the house.” Because I’m always worried that I left a cigarette burning…THEN when I got home I found out I’d left the electric heater on, about 3 feet from the house and I’m kind of lucky it DIDN’T BURN DOWN THE HOUSE…

SIPPING MY COFFEEDamn what a bitch….i found some coffee and I’m relaxing (as much as I can) in a chair when I saw a truck that said “Discount Movers.” Damn,.. as if I will have to move.

So this “moving” truck drives by and it did the same as the uhaul…it drove around the blocks and I saw it AGAIN….what a bitch…

TRICKED! I saw something out of the corner of my eye and it looked like a limo (my voices are always funning me saying I’ll be in a limo)…but when I turned to look it was a pick up truck…

TRAIN going by – I saw a sign on the side of a train and it looked like “Hope.” A good sign…Now I realized, when looking more directly at it, that it didn’t say hope…but I perceived it as hope….that’s how my voices wanted me to perceive it….

BOOK – they are funning with me, making me feel like my book will be successful…because I saw an armored truck…what a joke! Like I’ll have a ton of money lol..

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE at the Chinese festival outing and (at times) people were laughing at my thoughts…

Million to one – a pine needle fell down (they choreographed this) and hit the side of my cup…and I thought “needle” which made me think of an ex g/f who had diabetes and had to use a needle…so it’s sign she’ll come back into my life…

WHAT’S IT LIKE? – It felt like, just sitting there, like I was just watching the world go by…Or, more appropriately, it felt like I was watching TV…Kind of like “reality” TV.

Looking for coffee…I took a side street, far away from the rest of the show and I felt like the world “followed me around.”

BAD SIGN – I saw a lady from behind who reminded me of my mom…

BAD SIGN – I saw a girl who looked like the one I knocked up…a threat to her…when I saw her I heard honks to puncuate the thought….

PINKY – damn, my pinky is acting up…

THEN, a kind of lull in the action…YAY!

And so it continues…a big guy walked by with big old tits…I hope they don’t do this to me..

Anyways! I was looking at different girls…I’ve said this before but I like girls who almost look anorexic, but with big tits…

SO we’re at the Chinese festival and I’m seeing plenty of thin girls…I like asian chicks because they tend to be very thin….yay! OBSERVATION – peeing in a port a potty is one of the grossest things you can do….yuck!

BRINKS TRUCK – another sign my book will be successful…as I said, it’s probably b.s.

A guy walked by and said “hooks” – they are giving me the business saying I should become a hooker…THEN I heard in my head “Roxanne, you don’t have to put on the red light” (like I don’t have to be a hooker).

I gave up…I was watching the world go round, like watching TV but this Roxanne song came on, directly in my head so I gave up and listened to my radio…

WALKING along – a car honked twice…and I looked up and I immediately saw the fucking u haul truck…

GREAT – I’m walking back to the group and I passed a guy washing a shopping cart meaning “we’re getting it ready for you.”

SONG aimed at me – desperado, you aren’t getting any younger…you better let somebody love you, before it’s too late” Which means a lot becomes I’m anticipating waiting a long time looking for a girl who is super stable…one that my voices give me there blessings…

WAL MART - I’m heading for a check out lane and 5 people scoot in directly in front of me…and a guy in front of me said the word “anxiety.”

END OF THE DAY – I’m smoking on the porch and I saw a u haul truck up the road…so perceived that as being “to move” but when it turned I saw an orange light point directly in my direction and “orange” can jumble up to meaning “NO GO”. Or more like Don’t move So I was happy with that but my voices said “yeah whatever you want it to say (sarcastically.)

VAN – I dropped quite a bit of coffee on the floor of the van…and tried pushing it around with my feet…SO, I forgot all about it and 15 minutes later I looked and it was gone! I think my voices melted/evaporated it away (they could do this)…thanx!

SONG aimed at me – “I’ll do funny things if you want me to, I’m you’re puppet (as if I’M a puppet)…“Make me do right, make me do wrong, I’m your puppet.” Yeah, I’m a puppet…

SONG aimed at me– “I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but it’s too late…”.

VOICES Are (laugh laugh) are telling me to be a hooker for chicks…and the radio said “escort.”

COMMERCIAL – “as a kid did you used practice signing your signature knowing it would be worth something some day”…UTTER B.S. aimed at me as if I’ll be famous…

MP3 PLAYER – I lost it…I kept seeing orange cabs and orange whatevers and I now perceive it as “orange” = “gone” meaning my radio is “gone”

SONG –aimed at me – TOM PETTY – “everybodies got to fight to free!” (it continues) “don’t have to live like a refugee” which, this song means something because when it came out I was living in Linda Vista – where a ton of refugees live…again – “don’t have to live like a refugee”

MP3 PLAYER – I lost it and car drove by and it sounded like “tough shit.”

So I’m bummed out about losing my mp3 player and a song came on that said “that’s why they call it the blues.”

RADIO – I don’t remember the details but I heard, from the radio, “so pretty, all the time.” As if I am (flattery)…

GROUP – we were talking about chess and my voices always tell me I’m a genius - I know not to be true…because if I played chess I’d have no clue how to win…

Z-74 MARCH (STILL)I’M IN THE SMOKING area, clubhouse, sipping coffee, smoking a cigarette, covered up with a tent…that’s like the ultimate for me, the combination! Thanks God!

VOICES ARE SCARING ME – I’m in the smoking area and the tarp above spilled some water about three feet from me…omg…which is bad because I have a 250 radio on me..

I was going to sweep and there was a song on the radio and when I left the room it was stuck in my head…so I guess I’ll have to listen to the radio (where I can CHOOSE the MUSIC in my songs/signs..)

Because I had music in my head…and they turned it up LOUD…

Song aimed at me “some day love will find you, break those chains that bind you. I still love you girl” I hope so, because I need to be in love and if I ever get another girlfriend, she has to be STABLE and she has to have the blessings of my voices…I’m willing to wait a LONG time…

Song – “I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but it’s too late…

TUESDAY 27th – end of the day….i’ve got anxiety to where I feel like I could throw up….kind of like my voices version of bulimia (easy way to lose weight lol)…

Same day…no energy, couldn’t do my steps…I just found an empty room and crashed in it…

VIEJAS – I keep hearing a commercial for viejas, they are giving away 500,000…so (hearing this) was a sign I could win…actually if my voices wanted to they could make me win….

HEAD EXPLODING FEELING AGAIN…

NEWSPAPER article – it said “who’s voice is in his head” and my voices blurted out “Jane.” Well THAT’S nice to think about, it being a girl who is touching me when I masturbate…

HMMMM…I’ve kind of decided to consider my voices “mission control.” Because I sincerely think there is a kind of a “mission control” situation going on…where they project whatever I see onto a screen…

MARCH 1 – I LOVE RAIN, but today we’re having a sunny day after a couple of cloudy days…bright sun, no wind…It’s almost good enough to say “I’m happy for a bright sun shiny day!”….ALMOST….

Song aimed at me – “for just one day out of life it would be, it would be, so nice HOLIDAY” (which means a lot because, once in awhile I get a respite, a holiday, if you will…

COMMERCIAL( a guy talking) – he was talking about how to be successful, how to make money…I consider wishful thinking…

ROD STEWART –“Every one needs passion”

DJ AIMED AT ME! ”I’m so sick of these dang girly boys; stop it and be a man!”

A DIFFERENT DJ said “ESCORT” because lately I was kind of fantasizing about being a hooker for women)….Which I laughed at…

THE HOSPITAL GOT SOLD – and one of the requirements was that the clubhouse stayed open…so I kind of feel like I have friends in high places?? Or who knows…it’s probably my paranoia taking over….

ANYWAYS! A girl walked by me and for some reason I wanted to smell her down there and immediately a car honked five damn times…I totally don’t know if I thought of it or THEY thought of it… but I think they did it because they choreographed it to the extent that they immediately honked the car horn.,..

A truck drove by that said “MOR” which reminded me of my high school girlfriend because we always said “More” meaning “I love you more.” Wish I could see her again….

LAST WEEK at the Chinese Festival I felt like I was watching T.V – the world just going by, giving me signs, good and bad….so we went to an outing at the 99 cent store and my voices said “TV TIME!” but it wasn’t too bad this time…

SOMETIMES when you’ve got paranoia all around you, having a cigarette is like having your only friend…

WAL MART – I was looking for a belt and I was walking through the “Womens Clothes” department and my voices were trying to enticing me into wanting to cross dressing…(again!) .

WOW over the P.A. system the announcer said “Barbie’s Husband” and it meant, to me, that I would be the husband to a girl who looked like a Barbie Doll…all perfect and stuff…like I’ve always wanted anyway….

SONG aimed at me “what about love, don’t you want someone to care about? Don’t let it slip away…I REFUSE TO FALL IN LOVE FOR THE TIME BEING….something always happens…I’m going to totally take it in stride….i want someone super stable, and someone that my voices give my blessings…I’m not going to give out my phone number for the time being; maybe six damn months…

SHOPPING – I was looking at the frozen food section and some damn way, I don’t know how, I perceived it as saying “you’re a god.” Hmmmm, it’s more like my voices are a god…damn I hate that…

ELTON JOHN SONG – (suicide song) – “when are ya gonna come down, when are you going to land?” An innocuous song turns into a suicide song…I’M not suicidal though…

SONG – (ME talking to my voices), “when are you gonna get a replacement, there’s plenty of me to be found?”

Because I damn know well I’m not a genius, why don’t they just get a certified genius and fuck with him…thinking about it, Bobby Fisher, the chess master has talked about being the victim of mind control…

BAYVIEW – I saw a maintenance worker at Bayview taking out the trash and he had balloons of trash (kind of like a homeless person,) the way a homeless person has a bunch of cans piled into balloons piled into a shopping cart….my voices telling me that’ll I’ll be homeless again…

MARCH 4 2PM – I saw an article that said “It’s time to move on.”

PARANOIA – sometimes I feel like my paranoia extends to the bird kingdom (LOL). Which is true because one day I opened my patio door and took a shower and DAMN! A bird came into my apartment! I don’t know if this was a real bird or visual hallucinations???

Z-75 MID MARCHSONG – “little red corvette, baby you go much just too fast…need to find a love that gonna last” – this has duel meanings…saying I go much too fast means, to me, not to tune the radio around as quick…the other meaning is obvious, I need a love that is gonna last…it continues…”got to slow down..”

SONG (POSITIVE!!) – “ooooh, baby don’t you know that’s worth, ooooh, heaven is a place on earth!” I WANT to believe it but the next song could be opposite…

Next song – “jukebox hero, with stars in his eyes” - this meant, in the olden days, that I’d become a pop star…see, the way I perceive it is, my book might be exactly the same way, I’m all starry eyed and stuff, and it might go absolutely nowhere…I mean, damn, I don’t know what to do with it now, anyway…

JUKEOX HERO – (It continues) “That boy has got to stay on top…and be a jukebox hero…” as I said, the olden days where they were leading me nowhere…

BOOK – they knock my book at least once a day…they get blatant, for example…”it’s going nowhere, nada, zilch,, nothing, not a cent, no b.s., your never going to sell a copy, best seller is B.S., dream on.” The only thing that makes me continue is I get positive feedback from people who’ve read it on-line…and, the momentum of the thing also makes me continue….i mean I have 320 pages so far…and I’ve heard I’d have to convert it to 6 by 9…that would probably put it over 400 pages!

SONG – “It’s messed up when your mind is playing tricks on you.”

HERE’S bullshit but it’s nice to see anyway…I turned the corner coming down from OPS to Clubhouse and, first thing I see, is an armored truck…my voices joking with me saying “I’m going to be rich someday”

MARCH 6 – I just wanna mention, though I don’t know how, is that I figured out how to put in a “counter” in my website (it tells you how many people came into my website)…So far I have 180 “hits” – although since I didn’t put the counter in on time, I HAVE to have over 200 “hits.”

CAR HONK – “want it, want it” as if I have someone I would “want” say, sexually…then the first thing I see was a guy…oh great…

RADIO –“be the first one to forgive” and, I thought about it and it meant “forgive” my voices and I thought “not gonna happen…

THURSDAY day treatment…we pulled into the driveway of bayview and, damn, OF COURSE, there was a homeless man in our way…we had to wait for him to let us by….meaning? that I’m going to be homeless, damn…

ANOTHER DUAL SONG – “you’re on the street (like being homeless), looking good (that I look good)…

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS – when I have negative thoughts I allow my voices to touch my booty….via my thoughts…THEN I say x-rated stuff, that I only say because I don’t want to think of the negative thoughts…I say things like this: “touch me, mmmm, I like that, do me, yeah.” Like I said, it’s only to fight negative thoughts….It’s like a coping device, a horrible coping device….

GAY GUY – I walked by a guy who looked gay and, after passing him I felt “wet” in my booty…like there was sperm in my booty…my voices started doing this years ago…and when they did this (years ago) I went to the bathroom to clean up and it was positively dry…so I knew it was the case this time…

SONG aimed at me – “I got to keep on moving” as if I’LL have to move (in my head the last five minutes)…then when I heard “move” a car honked it’s horn…what a bitch…

DAMN…I was walking by the clubhouse and there was a license plate that said “MOV” I DON’T WANNA MOVE!

A talk show talked about jobs, and they mentioned “bloggers” (putting your journal on-line) and I thought “I’M THERE ALREADY.” And they said news outlets are hiring a lot of bloggers…I wonder who I should contact???

PLAGIARIZE MY BLOG – I’ve become a little worried about people taking my blog and using it for themselves…

SIRENS – Commercial came on (during sirens, which means to puncuate the thought) for guitar center and it reminds me of how I thought I was going to be in a famous band…so they are saying my “book” is going to be another situation like that, going nowhere..

SALE OF THE HOSPITAL – I felt like my voices had a hand in the sale…for example, “clubhouse” was stipulated to stay open…I THOUGHT so but then I decided “It’s just my paranoia….”

SONG – (ted nugent) He had a song that said, “some people think they gotta die some day, I go news you never gotta go” Because I feel like my voices are going to keep my brain alive…

SONG – “I can’t get no, satisfaction, I can’t get no girlie action” well that sums it up…

MY BOOK IS GOING NOWHERE MY BOOK IS GOING NOWHERE! My voices sang this to me…pretty blatant, huh???

YOU’RE GONNA BE RICH, NO B.S. – well, THAT positive thought came out of nowhere…which do you believe??? OPRAH – a guest on oprah said “you’re in big trouble” damn…

THEN on the steps…a guy said (to someone else) “don’t worry about it…”

SONG (as if my sister is talking)“Daniel my brother, you are older than me, are you still feeling the pain? Of scars that don’t heal…” then it said “Daniel, you’re a star!”

MY VOICES made me dream of having short hair and I gotta admit in my dream it was nice…so I’m THINKING of getting my hair cut short…but of course, the last time I was thinking of this (cutting a couple of inches off) the receptionist said “don’t cut your beautiful hair!” so…I’m thinking on keeping it long….

I’m holding off when it comes to girlfriends, something always happens to them…I met this pretty latina girl and I stopped myself from giving her a business card…

DAUGHTER’S HOUSE (in Pasadena)…right at her electric fence there was a damn shopping cart (you know by now it’s a sign that I’ll be PUSHING one, someday)…

The radio was telling me I’ll be homeless because i heard a song that went “you’ll be back on the street like you didn’t miss a beat”

PASADENA – all I can say is it had some GOOD signs because I was seeing booty, booty, booty….

A GUY ON A MOTORCYCLE – it reminded me of living with this gay guy who, yeah, owned a motorcycle…

RESTAURANT – I was surrounded with people laughing at my thoughts…what a bitch…

RESTAURANT – there were two bottles of water on the table and it made me think of being homeless because my eyes focused on the “California redemption deposit” like I’ll be homeless and NEED bottles and cans….

RESTAURANT – at times I was surrounded by pretty girls and, I think three, looked my way as if I had a chance….

GOOD SIGN! – OK, yes it’s B.S. but there was a newspaper stand and I focused on one that said “DREAM” and I thought I should dream of success….THEN I looked a couple of inches down and it saw “HOME.” As in DREAM HOME…

FIRE TRUCK - it went down the street and made a right, directly on my daughter’s street…can’t be a good sign…I’m worrying she’ll be in an accident or something. I STILL wonder if people who are following me are real or if they are a combination of audible/visual hallucinations…I’m going with it being hallucinations….

FUNNY – I told my dad that cell phones were better than the shoe phone in “get smart”…SO, 45 minutes later we were walking and a car that looked like the sports car in Get Smart drove by!

GAY CRAP – two guys walked by me and then my booty felt like it was wet…

I don’t remember if we were driving or walking (driving I think) and I saw a “reflecting thing” that they use in the movies…they use them to reflect light off the sun so that the actors look their best…more “dream come true” B.S.

ICE CREAM SHOP – The radio was playing a song that went “and fade away.” Meaning I’ll fade away…like the radio might stop talking to me….

TUESDAY- 13 of March – first thing we did was drank some starbucks coffee….then we drove 135 miles to see my daughter…THEN we had a nice meal at (what I consider) a Ritzy restaurant…two hours later we had ice cream cones, and then we finished with a nice meal at another ritzy restaurant…

MORE laughing at my thoughts, what a bitch….

Ok, so we’re eating at a nice restaurant (in tables/chairs outside) and a homeless person walks by (as if I’LL be a homeless person)…

RESTAURANT – we’re eating at a restaurant with an outdoor section and suddenly it occurred to me that I was “watching T.V. AGAIN….(I mean, everything I looked at was choreographed). I WISH I COULD CHANGE THE CHANNELS! Didja ever see the movie “the Truman show?” it is EXACTLY like that….

COMMERCIAL (I think) it said: ”.Large, full sexy breasts, 2 sizes up” as if I will have them someday. I got a kick out of that one….

SONG (I hope this one is true) – “back in the saddle again.”

DURING MY DAD’S VISIT – I was thinking “I HATE myself for smoking.”’

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS??? My voices were trying to find a way to make me think of my dad AND my daughter sexually!!

TALK SHOW – on the show they had a character (today) named “cancer Dan”….sometimes when I tell someone the radio is talking to me, they say “did it say your name?” and so here it is…

FRIDAY - the chaplain's walked by me and we chatted...then they gave me a vigorous hand shake and, for a tiny bit i felt my problems disappated...

SONG - "don't tell me it's not worth fighting for" meaning my book...

In my head - i "saw" a blond girl get down on her knees in front of me as if she was going to give me fellatio....don't want to offend people but that's what i saw....

SONG - a song came on which reminded me of a girl who inherited 6 million dollars....she wasn't much to look at but her boy friend was totally hot....ANYWAY - my voices said "you're going to beat that (moneywise)" but i damn well know it's B.S.

BOOBS - also during the parade, at one point i felt my boobs expand...

BAD DAMN SIGN - upon leaving i turned around just in time to see a guy who might've weighed 500 pounds...

Z-77 LATE MARCHA guy walked by me, dressed as I usually do, that being a blue t-shirt and blue jeans….and 100 pounds more than me – meaning I’LL be that fat, damn…

BAD SIGN – the last time I lost my apartment and had to move I heard a song that said “you dropped a bomb on me, you dropped a bomb on me…NOW I heard the same song so I’m expecting to have to move again…sonofabitch….

DURING spirituality group my voices said they were downsizing, to me it meant the they are taking some guys off my case…the staff controlling me is diminishing according to them…maybe I’m losing my popularity….anyway, I don’t expect anything to change…

I’m thinking about how I’ll have to cope with 2 days off of program (instead of one)…it’ll be stressful…my voices said I’ll be in the hospital in two weeks…

SEX – I hear that a guy thinks of sex every 8 minutes…well (me being controlled) I think of sex, I dunno, every two minutes…I mean, If my eyes get tired and I rub them (closed) I “see” porn…even if I pray….so I’m kind of “Hpersexed.” I can’t help it!

SATURDAY NIGHT – I had radical anxiety, I swear to god…I got out of bed…laid on the couch…back and forth…it was horrible! Luckily it only lasted 15 minutes, but it was a bitch…I was just going back and forth between the couch and the bed looking for relief..

SONG (aimed at me) – “you’ve been working too hard and that’s a fact” That’s so true…

7-11 – I saw a guy in a t-shirt and it said “slip knot” where, instantly I thought it meant to hang myself….

SISTER’S HOUSE – I saw my ex, with her husband…and, damn, I STILL have feelings for her…well I heard a song that said “Is she really going out with him, is she really gonna take him home tonight? Cause if my eyes don’t deceive there’s something going wrong around here.” “I get so mean, around the scene.”

Sometimes I see signs and stuff and it can be SO subliminal I can’t even record it…for example at the st. patrick’s day parade stuff was just happening left and right, I swear. Anyway, my voices said, concerning missed signs, to just consider the stuff I miss “secrets.

SONG – “why must you be such an angry young man when your future looks bright to me.”

SONG – “You don’t need to find out just how far it has gone” as if my power is greater than I even know “dirty laundry.”

HMMM…a guy walked by me with bottles and cans…meaning I’M going to have to do the same…

PUBLIC – when I walk into public I turn off my radio because I know it’s going to be in my face, too many signs to even contemplate, blatant to the max….so I know not to listen to the radio when shopping….

WAL MART Shopping March 20, first thing in a girl said what sounded like “Bi Sex.”

CHILI’S restaurant….I was eating at Chili’s and a thought popped into my head…”will my lease be extended?” and everyone around me laughed…as if they are saying “don’t worry.” It was comforting but damn, what sign will I have next?

So we left Chili’s and a song came on my cousin’s stereo saying “you don’t have to worry ‘bout a thing.” This was aimed at me concerning my lease.

WOW! I was listening to the radio and the DJ said “talk to the person in your head.”

DAMN…I was outside looking for a dry seat (They were wet because of the rain) and, right out of my own mouth I said “no matter what I do I’m going to get my butt wet.” What a bitch….my voices are saying I’m going to have gay sex at some point…..