Thursday, March 13, 2014

2) Obviously, we didn't go out on Monday night to celebrate, we went out on Sunday night, since everyone knew I'd be glued to the TV for three hours, come 8 PM on Monday.

3) This commentary is dedicated to Johnny Langan and Carolyn Murdock, who successfully pulled off THE GREATEST SURPRISE ANYONE HAS EVER KNOWN ON THEIR BIRTHDAY.

I thought the two of them were taking me to dinner. They told me they'd chosen a nice Italian place cause it had pasta and an intense dessert selection (I'm not that hard to please...) We got to the restaurant, and instead of three of us, it was THIS:

Even better: it had a Bachelor theme. Everyone had name tags with their name, age and occupation, as well as roses and date cards galore. When we got there, Johnny said, "Here's a date card for you to read... Oh wait. The date card is for us, from you. LET'S SEE WHO GETS TO GO ON THIS DATE!" And he proceeded to read the names of everyone who was there that night, even though their name tags said things like...

Roses all around:

....It was a good birthday.

Again, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Meet the Parents

Observations:

- I’m loving the dramatic end to the episode that they’re doing in the previews right now, with a subtle howling wind in the background of the crying women…

- Clare and Juan Pablo are saying hello to one another and they have shared FIFFTY-FIVE mini besos.

- JP's sister (sister in law?) gave Clare a hug, but also kept a hand on her pregnant belly. Good choice. I'd keep my baby away from Clare too, in untero or not...

- Clare’s mother (fondly referred to as “Mama”) is Mexican, but Clare does NOT speak Spanish.

....This is BEWILDERING to me.

- I think Madre JP was speaking of the language barrier, when she asked about communication, but Clare started talking to her about when they argue?? Oh it's cause English is her second- NEVERMIND.

- I love how the women on this show think that they’re getting out of admitting that they’re “in love” when they get that question, by saying “I’m falling in love.” AS. IF.

- Cousin Roldofo seemed to ask if Clare would be willing to stick around and hold onto the relationship, "even when Juan Pablo walks away…" Red flag, anyone? Was there NO part of her that heard this and thought about asking, "Why do you ask? Does he frequently walk away from relationships?"

- And then cousin Rolf hit her with “You need a person that’s willing to stay.”

- Madre asks Nikita, “How would you imagine a weekend with Juan Pablo?” and then proceeded to tell her that it involves a lot of... watching TV. Based on her tone, I assumed she was passing judgment on this weekend activity, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE GROWING INTELLECT OF A FOUR YEAR OLD IS INVOLVED, but no, she was making the point that International de la Bachelore is a down-home kinda guy... Riiiiiight.

- Obvious Observations with Hare Random Audience Members: “His family warned both girls about him and they were like, ‘Ohhh it’s ok!’ and you know what? It’s not!”

Final Date with Clare:

Well... For once... I will give it to Chris Harrison. I believe that "most controversial" was the superlative with which he approached this finale, and while I STILL think Brad Womack I (that would be Brad's FIRST season) was the most controversial, this season was the most SOMETHING, at least.

Observations:

- Ohhhh there it is. A cloud 9 reference. Everybody take a drink.

Memorable Quotes:

- “Are we taking a ride in a helicopter?” I'm NOT kidding, she asked this as they were WALKING UP TO THE HELICOPTER.

Oh well. I'll let this game of Obvious Observations with Hare Clare go. If only we'd known what was coming. If only SHE had known what was coming.

- Ok so I'm not a professional transcriber. At least not one like THIS CHICK, anyway:

But I made everyone go back and re-watch what Clare said when they disembarked from the helicopter, so I could get it all down: (if this were a classroom, I'd call on that random emo kid Hunter in the back row, who wasn't paying attention, to read the following off of a slide...)

"So as the helicopter is landing, we have a rare moment together with no camera no audio and no one there with us except for the pilot, and Juan Pablo leaned over and whispered what I thought was going to be sweet and loving words was not what came out of his mouth, and I’m just shocked."

(At that moment, I'd stop Hunter, so he could have time to reflect on how he needed to pay better attention, and I'd make the following remark to the class)

At this point, I'll admit: the editors and producers still had me. I've seen this show enough times (EVERY TIME, if you really care to know) to recognize when the audience is being set up to think one thing, right before the opposite comes to fruition. So I'm expecting that sentence to be followed up with a "He leaned over and told me that he has never loved anyone in his life like he loves me." THIS IS NOT DUE TO A HIGH OPINION OF JUAN PABLO; IT IS DUE TO THE EXPERIENCE OF BACHELOR EDITING...

Hunter is terrible at reading out loud, so I call on Emma, in the front row, to finish the quotation. Emma has a 99 average in my class and hasn't missed a day of school since she got pneumonia in third grade.

"It's something he said in that moment to me, it’s just… I almost, I don’t have words for it: how I feel right now. He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear. That he really doesn’t know me and some sexual thing I don’t even want to repeat, it was insulting. It was offensive and it just made me feel awful. Every single women deserves to be treated with respect. I’m not just an object. Maybe I have him all wrong. He said, 'I feel like we don’t know each other. You don’t know me, I don’t know you!' but he loved hooking up with me."

Emma would read that quotation with perfect diction and inflection, and then I'd move on to show the class the next slide... SEAN LOWE'S FACE:

- Somehow Clare didn't LEAVE HIM TO ROT ON THAT REMOTE ISLAND, she stuck around and "confronted" him later on in the evening. She started with, “We had a conversation in the helicopter… talk to me about that.” I don't even know where to BEGIN with this. On the one hand, it's not an aggressive line, which is admirable. But on the other hand, she literally said NOTHING useful to him, topping the whole thing off with, “If I’m gonna be with someone, I want them to know that they want to be with me.”

Do I think it's slightly unsettling that I can so accurately describe my emotional reactions to this show with clips from Disney movies? Maybe. Either way, THIS is what I have to say to their conversation:

- Remarkably, in their exchange, JP said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of sensible value WHATSOEVER. I say "remarkably," because he didn't even feed her cliche lines that every girl wants to hear. He said a bunch of garbled jargon (including, but not limited to 'I like so many things about you, I like how family you are into...") and then topped his spiel off with, “To me, the no kissing rule was the best rule you gave me."

Buster Bluth had the most appropriate words for this moment:

Call me crazy, but could it be that the "no kissing rule" was JP's favorite because it was THE ONLY RULE ON WHICH CLARE INSISTED?!?! Ugh. He's playing Josh Rachet. I WANT AN END TO THIS.

My notes from here on out became skinnier and skinnier (unlike my waistline) and the only comment I have about Nikita's date is about how she must have convinced Bachelor Intern Jacob to rustle up a picture of the two of them... Which begs the question: did Clare have a gift that she intentionally withheld from JP? Cause she seems like the type who would Mod-Podge all the petals from roses she'd received from him into a collage of his face...

Rose Ceremony:

- As soon as we saw Clare get off the boat first, I hollered, "SHE'S GOING HOME. HE'S GOING TO SEND HER HOME, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS." I was watching with mostly Bachelor rookies, who didn't understand the significance of whichever contestant emerges from the boat/limo/WHATEVER first...

Just because it's #tbt, I'll hurl a hefty retrogression at you: remember when they did the good ole split screen, circa Bob Guiney, and we didn't know which girl was going to get rejected until suddenly he uttered the word "but" to one of the women, and the body language looked like this, and we all understood?

I STILL say Bob and Kelly Jo were MADE FOR EACH OTHER.

- So Clare isn't breathing right now. No, she's not being suffocated by JP's lechery, but she is seriously taking NO breaths between her words. THis is indicative of having had little to no therapy. I'm JUST saying. You can spot the crazies ten miles away. (Although, sidenote: my parents actually watched the finale (yes, I'm still shocked, too) and I had to fill Granny in on a piece she might have missed, when I told her, "Clare was super sane this episode... she hasn't been in ANY. OTHER. EPISODE.")

- I won't even dignify the "glad I didn't pick her!" line, but I would like to call your attention to JP's "I wish the earth sucked me today." Once again, just so many different ways for that one to go...

- She says “I love you” to him and he says, "Thank you." THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
- He doesn't offer Nikita the Neil Lane rock, so we come to understand that her phone call to Mama and 'em will sound something like, “Mom, I’m not engaged, but he likes me a lot…”

AFTR:

- We know that Chris Harrison says ALL THINGS best, but he truly summed up this ahem, journey with, "Another season of The Bachelor has come to an end, I’m not gonna lie: I’m ok moving on…” I'm just too exhausted by Juan Pablo to even analyze what happened. How are he and Nikki still together? How did she watch this whole season and still want to be with him? Was he not admitting he loved her too, just to spite the producers? What happened two weeks ago, around the time of the Women Tell All, that made them change all their plans? (Is it that his Dancing With The Stars contract offer was withdrawn?) I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SEEING RIGHT NOW. (For the record: those are Hare's words; not mine)

Blah blah blah, Andi is the next Bachelorette... - “I have a good life, I just don’t have anyone to spend it with.” WHO SAYS YOU NEED SOMEONE WITH WHOM TO SPEND IT?!? Ugh shrinking violets, be GONE.

- Whom decided that this yellow dress was ok for Andi’s big reveal? The color, the shape, the texture, the EVERYTHING is wrong with it... Ugh and her eyelashes are too thick to even keep her eyes open right now, as she's talking to Hare…

Verbal Faux Pas:

- I refuse to dignify the former Bachelor with ANY more discussion of him, but I would like to highlight an outstanding faux pas from Mrs. Sean Lowe. She and Sean were essentially trying to tell JP that he's behaving like a brat for wanting this much privacy, when he basically SIGNED AWAY HIS LIFE, when he agreed to do the show, and she said, "Don’t slap the hand that fed you."

....it's "don't bite the hand that feeds you." There's a verb tense issue and a word choice issue, but she's Mrs. Sean Lowe: she can do whatever she wants.

Now please excuse me while I go re-watch every episode of Burning Love until May...

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

I just... I'm at a LOSS. I mean, what did we WATCH last night?? Fortunately I'm economically savvy enough to not chuck stuff at my TV and therefore have to buy a new one, but Chris Harrison was NOT off base in his remark about that being the case for many viewers (ok maybe he misspoke about the demographic, because I DON'T know that Internationale de la Pollo Loco is watched by TV destroyers, but ANYWAY) I have very many things to say. Commentary will be up sometime tomorrow. As well as a description of the AWESOME SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY MY ROOMMATES THREW FOR ME, THAT HAD A BACHELOR THEME. (Yes, the finale aired on my birthday. It's fine.) Spoiler alert: there was a contestant at the party who's name tag read "String Cheese, age 43, Ferry Boat Driver."
Finally: this post is dedicated to Joshua and Lisel Allbee. They are ALSO financially savvy enough to not THROW THINGS at their television....

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

LET ME BE CLEAR: there is only ONE MAN who is feasibly allowed to have ZERO regrets:

This post is dedicated to Elisa Sugar Goodrich. She has faithfully supported my commentary from the beginning (from the very beginning, really, but leading me to my Bachelor Blogging Idol, Lincee Ray years ago) and she also taught me that you can watch secular TV shows and follow Jesus, because we would watch The Bachelor after she led Bible Study at her house, in high school… This rose is for you, Elisa!

Again, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Observations:

- This is the first time in the show’s history (TRULY) that Hare has remarked on an external change in a contestant, with his reference to Cat’s bangs. And I’m not that upset about it…

- Rene’s eyebrows have been MEGA penciled in and I’m not sure what to think about it…

- The girls complained that there was little to no substance in their conversations with Pollo. But wait! Rene got some substance! Ohhhhh nevermind. It’s cause they talked about their kids… and nothing else.

FAAAAIL.

- This Muppet thing, right now… First of all: the STUBBLE ON CHRIS HARRISON. Seeing how we saw it first appear in the “Need for Speed” promo, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that this facial hair is a “movie promo look” cause it’s resurfaced for this promo and I am NOT upset about it… And finally, this Villainous Kermit story line… Anyone who has El Pollo Loco as their best man… is 100% a villain…

- Ohhhh Lauren S. You need to sit up straight, behind Kat, right now. I do NOT need to see your tummy peeking out of that dress… Who decided that she should wear this little number for an event where she’d primarily be shown SITTING?

- I’m loving how Hare is trying to defend Juan Pablo in any and all ways, because HE IS THE ONE WHO PITCHED EL POLLO LOCO TO AMERICA. #TakeSomeResponsibility #NotHereToMakeFriendz

- Speaking of hashtags, anyone remember #Kasey, from Dez’s season? So campy. Rest in peace, Dez and Kasey’s relationship that was destroyed by the sudden gust of Santa Anna Winds…

- Victoria, honey, there is NOTHING you can say that will be taken seriously by ANYONE right now. Rene had to CRAWL UNDER A BATHROOM STALL TO RESCUE YOU. Close your mouth.

- Sharleen’s eyebrows are perhaps as equally penciled in as Rene’s, and I am MOST ASSUREDLY not upset by it.

- I would have REALLY liked to meet Sharleen’s family. As much as I didn’t want to meet Clare’s, I would have loved to see what Mama and Papa Sharmander were like…

- I think that Rene’s assumption that her declaration of love wouldn’t have changed el Pollo’s mind and therefore avoided her elimination "because those were her feelings, and not his…" Is giving Pollo too much credit…

- Rene says that she learned a lot on this show. MAMA RENE, WHO COUNSELED EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW MORE THAN THE BACHELOR SHRINK EVER HAS… learned something…

- AHHHHH LAUREN H, I FORGOT ABOUT THE CRYBABY ON THE PREMIERE! Why didn’t we hear more from her tonight? She was such an epic Hare… (No, not like “Our-Host-Chris-Harrison Hare” but a hare as in “The Tortoise and the Hare.” She burned out right away. Yuk yuk yuk.)

- When Hare (yes, the one who sometimes has stubble, not the rabbit) starts listing adjectives that describe the season… YESSS THE BLOOPERS ARE COMINGGGG

- I was just commenting about how much I missed the days when Stubble Hare would ask the former contestants who they thought would be the final choice… THOSE DAYS GOT BROUGHT BACK TO US, LAST NIGHT. Team Nikki for the win. (But this isn’t a contest, you guys.)

Memorable Quotes:

- Stubble Hare billed this season’s superlative as “controversial.” So we heard, “most controversial season in the show’s history…” Was it, though? Is it ever, though?

- Subtly Stubble Hare wasted no time in grilling Sean and Catherine, “How was the wedding night?” OH WE ARE GOING THERE RIGHT NOW…

- On why they’re going to start having kids ASAP, Cat remarked, “I mean, he’s old.” Well they say that honesty is key in a successful relationship…

- I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Andi regrets calling Pollo “enchanting,” in the clip that we just saw, but that’s just me…

- Subtly Stubble Hare asked the women, “So you’re all attracted to him, but why wasn’t that enough?” For all the superlatives and hyperboles that our dear host loves to throw out there, this should have been advertised on the Women Tell All Marquee: “Watch as our host poses a question to the women that he has never before inquired. Previous contestants ask The Bachelor why they weren’t enough, but never before has it been asked why The Bachelor himself wasn’t enough!”

- While she didn’t talk about her Dad’s DUIs, Kat enlightened us with, “He talks about being fair, and then he goes around and changes every single one of his rules…” Well that… yep. That right there.

- Did anyone else catch the moment where Subtly Stubble Hare said “The rules changed… what he was doing and AT WHAT TIME." That last part was totally under his breath, but I hope it dug the knife in, either way…

- When watching the playback of Sharleen, I remarked “Ugh. Great dress on night one.” My friend Johnny replied, “Um, has she ever NOT had a great dress?” TRUTH.

- This is also, I believe, the first time that Hare has referred to a “top girl.” Am I right? It’s not a competition, you guys. But Sharmander was the top girl.

- Stubble Hare asks Rene “What’s going through your mind when you watch that?” WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING THROUGH HER MIND, HARE?! She graciously replies “It’s hard to watch…” And he digs the knife deeper, “Why is it hard to watch?”

- Andi summarized her time in the fantasy suite: “The things he said made me feel cheap… But he wasn’t mean.” I hope her statements in the courtroom aren’t like that, because she just threw way too many ideas into the crock pot and turned it on…

- Sure, what JP said about “not being there to kiss 27 women” is legit, except the fact that he told the women, in the moment, that he was thinking of Camila… (Which he then went on to say meant that he wasn’t going to let her watch the show, but he was worried about what her friends’ parents might say to her?)

Questions I have:
- …Piggy and Kermit arent’ married? Is this like a Barbie and Ken thing, where they split up and are getting back together again?

- Why is Andi defending the oceanic romp, right now? Why?

- Once again: I’ve always known I’d be a terrible candidate for this show. But am I alone in thinking that if I were a contestant that DIDN’T make it to the final two, I would watch the season and then spend every Monday night thereafter practicing my tirade for the WTA in the bathroom mirror? There are so many rehearsed and polished monologues that we see in this episode and they just don’t ever get enough credit…

- Not that I’m terribly curious, but when Andi says that el Pollo was “name dropping” in the fantasy suite… Are we talking names like David Beckham and Mia Hamm? Or Sean Lowe and Desiree Hartsock? Or random Venezuelan people that Andi had never heard of, but nodded her head like she had because she could infer from his tone that he was trying to name drop, before she faked falling asleep?

- Who was that blonde chick that stumbled into his arms, in the bloopers just now?

- How, HOW could this finale POSSIBLY be unlike anything we’ve ever seen before? We've seen Travis Stork not propose, we've seen Brad Womack pick neither woman, we've seen... whatever Dez's season was... How could this ending POSSIBLY surprise us? (And whose idea was it, to let these audience members think that they had the authority to speak about the outcome?)

Sunday, March 2, 2014

1) Mama Rene is engaged. HALLELUJAH, THERE IS A GOD. I would definitely liken such a quick engagement to Melissa, of Jason Mesnick's season, more than I would to the Tierrorist, from Sean's season...

2) I care so VERY little for El Pollo Loco, that I ONLY watched Andi's overnight date. Nikita is too cool for a guy like JP, and Clare is just insane (if NOTHING else, she has that sister Laura; COME ON) honestly, I hope he picks Clare. They deserve each other.

3) I am so super stoked for the Women Tell All, it is UN. REAL. Can't wait. Kelly, aka Carly Rae, has apparently coined the term #KellingIt, and I'm not at ALL upset about it.

4) My birthday is March 10th. I already lead a very un-thrilling THRILLING life, as it is, but to everyone who asks me "what are you doing for your birthday?" my reply has included something to the effect of, "I dunno, I hope there are cookies involved, but I can tell you right now what I'm doing that night: IT'S THE FINALE OF THE BACHELOR."
4 a) THANK YOU, Chris Harrison, for planning this. I can already feel the Bachelor Love.
4 b) On my 22nd birthday, my brother called me right at midnight and said, "Wooo hooo! Are you tearing up Miami, celebrating 22?!" I replied, "Psh, no. Ethan and I are watching the Women Tell All for Brad Womack's season" (remember when Crazy Michelle broke down and cried?) Like I said: VERY un-thrilling. I regret nothing.

5) This post is dedicated to Brittany Hays. She loves Jesus, her boyfriend, Disney, and this show, (not necessarily in that order, but pretty close) and she gets a kick out of my writing. This rose is for you, Brittany. And if you don't get engaged soon, I will tell El Pollo Loco to scour Miami until he finds you and covers you with Pollo besos...

Again, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Fantasy Suite Date: Andi

Observations:

- Andi has never met Camila, nor seen how El Pollo Loco interacts with children… The same cannot be said for Nikki.

- Loving that there’s a BMW behind this dune buggy that they're in, right now…

- Tough that any couple that makes it to the fantasy suite will NEVER AGAIN travel in the kind of luxury that they encounter on this date/in this suite.

- DON’T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE ROAD IN THAT DUNE BUGGY FOR A BESO, EL POLLO. HAVENT YOU SEEN THEVOW?!

I know Kelly Davis has seen it...

- I will give El Pollo points for seeing that Andi’s Dad was justified in his response to the “may I have her hand” question... But those points are very obviously cancelled out by whatever comes out of his mouth in the next moment, sooooo back to 0.

- Andi is rocking the one pieces this season and I have ZERO qualms about it.

- Maybe I'm a little late in realizing this, but coming from a girl who now refuses to venture out in the sun in anything less than a berka: THEY CAN’T WEAR SUNGLASSES OR HATS ON THESE DATES. I've always known I'd be a terrible candidate for this show. But much like the fantasy suite sealed the deal for Andi, I now "know in my heart that this could never work." I could never fall in love without my visor protecting me from UV rays...

- Ohhhh there’s the could 9 reference. Thaaaaank you, Dez. Alright here's the thing: “cloud 9… can’t stop smiling… I see a future with Juan Pablo” has TOTALLY been cut from another episode. We saw ZERO footage of her saying any of those words, just now.

- She is only swinging one of her arms, during this pensive walk around St. Lucia. Just one.

- Clearly Andi had a LOT to say after the date, and so they had to fill in a WHOLE lot of time with shots of her walking/standing around St. Lucia... And now she is swinging only one of her arms, during this pensive walk... Just one.

Questions I have:
- …Has Andi not taken the bar exam? But seriously, did they set us up with that whole dramatic fake courtroom scene, in the premiere when she's not even a LICENSED LAWYER?!?

- Why doesn’t Pollo know if she’d be a good mother? HOW has that escaped him, at this point?

- If they haven't discussed how the other person feels about social issues, or where they stand politically, what have these two been talking about?

Memorable Quotes:

- I'm waiting to see the clues to the big breakdown, post fantasy suite, but so far, Andi has said that it is “heartwarming” to have seen JP in Atlanta...

- On their date, Andi gushed about how spontaneous Pollo was: “Juan Pablo heard that the kids liked to play soccer…” I think it’s more like: ‘he put words in their mouth and found an excuse to take off his shirt…’

- After the dune buggy jaunt that landed them on a psuedo-hike, Andi remarked, “I kind of look over and I see a huge waterfall.”
1) the waterfall is not huge.

2) how does one “kind of “ look over?

- After commenting that he wasn't sure what kind of mother she'd be, Pollo told Andi, “That’s why I have an overnight with you, so we can talk about lots of things…” SO I CAN SEE IF THE SEX IS GOOD ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU AROUND.

- And finally, we shall close with perhaps one of the most stirring lines of the season, which richly highlights the noncommittal apathy of el Pollo Loco. Andi said to him, “I realized that I wasn’t in love with you” and I KID YOU NOT, he replied, "that’s perfect."

I THINK WE'RE DONE, HERE.

(And yes, I realize that my use of "noncommittal apathy," is heavily redundant, and even though English IS my first language, redundancy used to passionately drive home a point is better than NO PASSION AT ALL, POLLO LOCO.)