ABC wants you to save Happy Endings, as if you have any say in the matter

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Friday, March 29, and Saturday, March 30. All times are Eastern.

TOP PICKHappy Endings(ABC, 8 p.m., Friday): Hey, gang! ABC would like to know if you can save Happy Endings before it cancels the show! Never mind the fact that the show’s renewal has basically nothing to do with you at this point anyway! Oh, sure, if it scores a 0.0, it will be gone, and if it somehow gets a 3.5, it will be back, but for the most part, it should score in the low 1’s in the demo, then endure a down-to-the-wire nail-biter of an attempt to get renewed that will have nothing to do with ratings but, instead, the future potential profitability of the franchise! What David Sims is saying is, it’s back! Be happy! He can’t believe he has to stay home on a Friday!

REGULAR COVERAGEHouse Of Cards (Netflix, 1 p.m., Friday): We’re really ashamed of ourselves for not realizing that Kevin Spacey’s accent in this show is incredibly reminiscent of Foghorn Leghorn’s. Maybe you realized that weeks ago. Ryan McGee is trying to remember the name of that little nerdy chicken. What was it?

Grimm (NBC, 9 p.m., Friday): The guys go to cyber-war against a Wesen, which seems kind of dumb to us. Maybe we should update all fairy tales for the Internet era? What if Hansel And Gretel or Clever Hans took place in a Compuserve chat space? Kevin McFarland doesn’t know what Compuserve is.

Doctor Who (BBC America, 8 p.m., Saturday): ‘Tis a rare show that could bump the mighty Doctor’s return from the “top pick” perch, but Happy Endings managed the task. Alasdair Wilkins hopes our many-lived friend regenerates next time as Elisha Cuthbert. Because who wouldn’t enjoy that?

TV CLUB CLASSICThe Twilight Zone(1 p.m., Saturday): Todd VanDerWerff watches one episode this week in which a Confederate soldier stumbles upon a valley filled with Union soldiers frozen in place. What could have done this? Could it be… SATAN?! Yeah, we thought Church Lady jokes were done, too, but look at us!

WHAT ELSE IS ONGravity Falls(Disney, 8 p.m., Friday): Have you missed the two most recent episodes because of Disney Channel’s ridiculous scheduling (that apparently works well, given the show’s second season renewal)? Well, fear not, because those two—along with two others—are airing in a mini-marathon tonight.

Shark Tank (ABC, 9 p.m., Friday): Look, ABC wants you to save Happy Endings, but it would be really happy if you'd keep watching Shark Tank like you have been. All you have to do is come up with one really good pitch, and you’re golden! Here’s ours: biodegradable kittens. We’ll sell thousands!

American Masters (PBS, 9 p.m., Friday): Phil Dyess-Nugent examines the dyspeptic, hilarious, often moving work of his fellow Phillip, one Phillip Roth, in a new film that offers up a biography of the author many claim to be the greatest living American writer. Is he? Well, it’s either Roth or Dan Brown, duh.

Anderson Cooper Special Report (CNN, 10 p.m. Friday): It’s okay to admit you don’t know a thing about the Amanda Knox case. That’s what Anderson Cooper is here to do! He’s going to tell you all about it, and by the time it’s all over, you’ll wonder why this became such a big story in the first place! Hooray!

Too Cute (Animal Planet, 8 p.m., Saturday): Questions will be answered in the thrilling, death-defying second season finale! Just why was there a statue of a four-toed puppy? How do the hedgehogs fit into the series’ overriding mythology? And were the rabbits in Bunny Station doing anything worthwhile?

Orphan Black (BBC America, 9 p.m., Saturday): This new sci-fi series is worth your time, and Todd VanDerWerff is going to tell you just why it is. Sure, it seems kind of stupid when you just read the premise, but it has an impressive level of commitment, and we’d love to cover it for you forever.

Chicago(Showtime, 8 p.m., Friday): After that thoroughly weird salute to the film at the Oscars, we’re wondering how long it took Showtime to grab the Best Picture winner out of its vaults and shovel it on the air. There will be singing. There will be dancing. You probably won’t mind it all that much. Yay?

Tin Cup (TV Guide Network, 8 p.m., Friday): All-American hero Kevin Costner is a great golfer coulda-been, who gets one last shot. Also, Rene Russo is there, because this was when Rene Russo was in every movie being made. We like it quite a bit. Maybe not enough to watch on TV Guide Network, though.

The Ten Commandments (ABC, 7 p.m., Saturday): Charlton Heston is Moses. Yul Brynner is the Pharaoh. Presumably, some other people are other things. It’s over four hours—seriously, nearly five—of people wanting to be let go, and then they aren’t, and then there are some special effects sequences.

NCAA Basketball Tournament: Oregon vs. Louisville (CBS, 7 p.m., Friday): The Sweet 16 is upon us, and that means it’s time to see if the Louisville Cardinals, picked by many expert college basketball pickers, have what it takes to go even further in the tournament. Standing in the way? A bunch of fucking ducks.

Mexican League Soccer: Cruz Azul vs. Atlas (ESPN2, 7 p.m., Saturday): Who you got in this one? We know it’s tempting to go with Atlas, but let’s face it: Cruz Azul sounds pretty unstoppable when you think about the fact that they’re named Cruz Azul. Really, we have no idea. As per always.

IN CASE YOU MISSED ITRaising Hope(Thursday): Another season of Raising Hope comes to a strange, strange end, buried behind an episode of American Idol, like Fox got home late from work, was looking for something to put on the air, and found this in the pantry. Phil Dyess-Nugent says you’ll watch it, and you’ll like it.