1.23.16: Forget naming a star for your sweetie. Forget uploading that porn tape you made on your honeymoon. The star will blow up. It’s called a supernova. The porn tape will blow up. It’s called a tort.

Name a roach for your ex. This Valentine's Day, let your special someone know your love is everwhere. Under the sink, for example. Name one of the Bronx Zoo's Madagascar hissing cockroaches for your ex. Tens of thousands of roaches ... well, the Bronx Zoo is in the Bronx -- remain nameless and would make a great symbol of your devotion. For $10, we'll send your loved one a digital certificate to cherish for years to come, featuring the name of your Valentine's roach. Stuck for a name? “Trump” works for me.

This year, you can even up the romance by adding chocolate. For $25, there’ll be a printed roach certificate and something sweet. Go for it.