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Sunday, May 28, 2017

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Review by Bob Ignizio

The original PIRATES
OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL was a moderately enjoyable time
waster that gave Johnny Depp a chance to shine doing his best Keith Richards
impression as Captain Jack Sparrow. If things had stopped there, all would have
been well. Unfortunately, PIRATES
turned into a franchise, with each subsequent film becoming more bloated and
stupid.

It's been 6 years since the last tedious tentpole, ON STRANGER TIDES. With the major
studios pretty much terrified of making anything that isn't a sequel, remake,
reboot, or comic book adaptation, Disney has gone to the well one more time
with PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN
TELL NO TALES. It is every bit as dumb, cluttered, ugly, and obnoxious as
the previous sequels.

You want a plot synopsis? This thing is so confusing and
inane and littered with pointless characters that I barely know where to begin.
I guess all you need to know is that various characters, Depp's Jack Sparrow
among them, are chasing after a magical object called the Trident of Poseidon
that has the power to lift curses. Javier Bardem is the big bad as leader of a
bunch of vicious ghost pirates, and Geoffrey Rush is back as Barbossa, who also
wants the trident.

Rounding out the cast are Brenton Thwaites as Henry Turner,
son of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley's characters from previous installments
(they show up briefly, too), and astronomer/accused witch Carina (Kaya
Scodelario). There are plenty of other characters cluttering this thing up, but
I refuse to list them.

This is just a terrible movie. Sure, it's
technically sound and has a great cast, but it's just one mindless action scene
after another, buried under an ocean's worth of CGI. Of course a sizeable
portion of viewers are going to go see it regardless of what anyone says. Of
course some of those people are going to convince themselves they enjoyed it. There's
only so much one can do to help the delusional. All I can tell you is this
movie is an utter crapfest, and while one hates to tempt fate, it's doubtful
anything worse will come along this year. 1 out of 4 stars.