On New Year’s Eve I said to a few of my fellow moms-in-grief “Another year. Woo.” Another year without our children. It’s hard, so hard.

I want so much for 2011. I want Annabel to grow older. I want my family and friends to be healthy. I want safety and prosperity for everyone I love. But, my ability to say that I hope these things will happen is gone. I am afraid to hope. I am afraid.

Before Madeline passed away, I would sit up on New Year’s Eve and think about the year to come. All I’d think about were the amazing things that could happen. Sometimes they’d happen, sometimes they wouldn’t.

Then last year on New Year’s Eve, all I could see was the bad. I was scared something would happen to Annabel during the last weeks of pregnancy, I was scared something unexpected would happen with my family, I was scared of everything. Looking back now, some of that happened, some of it didn’t.

I guess I am realizing that as I grow older, uncertainty is more and more a part of life. The naive optimism of youth fades. Still, it’s not in me to be cynical and negative. So even though it’s scary, I will look down the road of 2011 hoping for the best while accepting the reality that anything can happen.

kristeneileen says:

I would like you to know it makes me feel enormously better to know that I am not alone in feeling how you feel. It is a very isolating thing, growing up, gracefully surrendering the treasures of your youth, especially when you’ve been made to carry new heavy burdens of sadness, like missing sweet, funny Maddie. Still, isolating as it is, and sad as it can feel, we can know we’re at least together in that. And that is something.

FTR, my heart foretells a beautiful year for the Spohrs. I trust it. I choose to believe xxoo

So true. Anything can happen. And it is scary, when you think of it like that. Right now…2011 is an open journal that is completely blank. What will be written in it for you? for me? for anyone else out there? Good things, I hope. Hoping is good. Planning is good. If you don’t hope for the best, and plan for good times…then really, what else is there to do? Uncertainty IS a part of life. But we shouldn’t walk around all day under an umbrella when there are clear skies…just in the off chance it starts to rain. You have taught me that. You are not hiding under any umbrella.

I hope that 2011 brings amazing things for you and your family.
Happy New Year

I agree that as you get older you loose the excitement of what the new year will bring. I found myself just hoping for a year with no craziness. Good health for my husband, and kids. I think that’s all I can wish for. It is a wish.

Jenn says:

I get it! When I became ill and then we lost our 10 month old God daughter so completely suddenly and all of a sudden, things changed…. forever. Suddenly, I was lost… Maybe together we can try to figure this thing called life out?!?!
Love to you and yours; my friend.

Elizabeth says:

Last night my fiance told me I was a cynical optimist…does that even work? He eventually switched his platform to say I am a realist.

Realizing good and bad are part of this lifetime really stinks. But, it makes you wise and have a huge heart – love your blog and can not wait to see what 2011 has in store for you and your family! {{Love and Hugs from Minnesota!!}}

Each new day means you are still going strong as a wonderful example for your Annie and for everyone who reads your blog. I hope that 2011 is good to you and that you continue to feel the love and comfort of your family and friends.

Melissa says:

I was reading Elizabeth Edward’s book, “Resilience” last night. She speaks at great length about the loss of her son, her grief. I didn’t know that she credits the internet groups as a crucial part of her recovery. Anyways, I thought of you and your Madeline throughout the book and wasn’t sure if you have read it yet.

I am wishing you and your family nothing but the best this year. I wish there was something I could say to help but instead, I just hope you know that I am thinking of your family and am very happy to be able to know Madeline through you.

Hi Heather… I have been following your blog for quite a while. Since before I was even pregnant. I lost my little girl when she was 5 months. I cant help but think about you all the time as I feel Im feeling all the things you have once said about your Maddie. I dont know if its where I live or what but I have had a really hard time finding people who I can relate to on this issue. Even other mothers who have lost their children- I feel like some of the “raw” feelings are just me. I just want to thank you for making me feel somewhat “normal” or at least not alone. You write so beautifuly. Its been a year since our Makenzie passed, my husband is wanting another child and I am so so scared. I worry I will have to face all of this reality again. I just cant do it. The other thing that makes me just love your blog is how much you talk about Maddie. Even our family is “done” with talking about Makenzie. They want to push that aside and not think about it. My blog is my place to keep her here. I always have her in my home, in my heart, in my mind… but others have a hard time with me keeping her out there in the real world. You just give me peace in knowing no matter where I am on this road- she will always be here to. And this thing we are dealing with– never goes away and I never have to ignore that. I hope all this rambling has made sense. Thanks for being you. Thanks for giving me hope that I can love another again like i love my Makenzie. Your amazing. Love.

Tara. says:

Wishing you, Mike and Annie a wonderful 2011! Hoping that with each passing day, it becomes easier to focus on the good, remember the good of the past and continue to heal. There is so much good in your life-embrace it and treasure it!

Heather, While I never lost a child, I had the same feelings of anxiety in my early 30’s with 3 young children. I spent way more time worrying about something tragic happening to them or my husband being killed in a wreck, etc. I prayed. I got on antidepressants and while better…I still had bouts of panic and anxiety. I read a book by Dale Carnegie titled “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.” It is a wonderful book and while each chapter may not apply to you, I feel certain you would benefit from reading it. Staying in the moment is hard for all of us, yet that is really all of us have.

I spent every waking moment worrying about losing my children that I wasn’t really enjoying them. I finally was able to let it go. And I credit this book….along with those happy pills…in turning it around for me.

I know my situation doesn’t even begin to compare to yours, but I just wanted to reach out to you….and you’re too far away to hug.

Kerry says:

Becoming an adult really sucks sometimes. Now that I’ve experienced some of the tragedies life has to offer, I have bouts of depression and anxiety just worrying about what might possibly happen next to the people I love. I’m impressed by your attitude, though! I think I’m an optimist at heart and am tired of just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I should read that Dale Carnegie book!