Tales of adventures in mediocre mothering and travelling with children

Valuable Lessons From Semester 1, Prep.

I am two terms into Prep with my oldest child. We’ve reached a few milestones including recognising and adhering to school rules, making friends and putting together my first costume. Sorry, I mean my daughter made friends and has done all that other stuff.

Suffice to say, this first semester has been a huge adjustment for both of us and for parents, I’ve collated some of the lessons I think we could all try and learn from.

1. Being a class helper is a dangerous job so it’s OK to schedule work or something really important for that day. In Prep, children are given glue and sticky tape and then told to “make a ‘whatever’” from nothing but old tea boxes, sequins, crepe paper and coloured pipe cleaner. This does not end nicely for parents who have a pathological fear of craft at home. I wondered why the hardened veterans (people with older students) looked at me with a heady combination of fear and wonder when I put my name down on the helper list. Now I know. And now I have even more respect (maybe it’s concern) for my daughter’s teacher. The mess! The horrible, never ending mess!!

This is a Pet House, made during a craft explosion at school. Now it’s in MY house and can not be removed because it is “SO SPECIAL!”

2. Don’t be a selfish fucknuckle– leave the nuts at home. Yes, not being able to put nutella or peanut butter in a lunchbox is right up there with having no clean drinking water. But you know what parents with kids who have anaphylactic reactions to nuts think everyday they send their kid to school with you and your nut eating kid? ‘Gee I hope he/she makes it through today without being shot in the leg with an epi-pen so she/he stays alive for the few minutes it’ll take for the ambulance to get to her/him.’ Parents with these kids live with a genuine fear of nuts or whatever severe allergen it is 24/7. Surely you and your kids can live without it for 6 hours, 5 days a week?

3. New class = new friends NOT new customers. Yes, I’d love to have coffee so we can discuss the laborious homework regimes of our children. No I don’t want to host a Thermomix party. Nope. Not ever. Or Tupperware or the lingerie one. No no no. I think I’ve made myself clear on this point.

Another important school craft creation. I don’t even know what it’s supposed to be.

4. Don’t be a douche canoe- put your filter on. This could be applied to lots of cases but I’m going to use the one where a mother asked whether my daughter was free to attend little Sally’s birthday party next weekend. I replied no, since we’d be away, to which she said and I quote verbatim “Oh good! I’ve invited all the children in the class with short notice in the hope most of them couldn’t make it. You know, to keep numbers down.” My face said Did You Just Say That To Me Or Are You Just Really Stupid but I actually said “OK, Gotta Go” and we all know ‘Gotta Go’ is code for you’re a douche canoe.

So put your filter on people. It’s OK to think it, just don’t say it

5. It’s not a competition. Children learn at different rates so stick your Level 147 Reader up your mumsy jumper. My child is doing their best, thankyou!

6. Toilet Rolls are no longer a sought after craft item. Gone are the days of class made binoculars; the toilet roll is to go straight to the recycling bin, not the craft box. When presented with a month’s gathering of toilet rolls, the teacher said in a stage whisper, in front of the other parents, that “We can’t take them because they’re unhygienic.” What’s the world coming to???

So school craft adventures aside, the first semester has been pretty good. And I can’t wait for the holidays so we can make something out of all the toilet rolls I’ve got. Without any decoration. Outside. On lots of plastic sheeting.