Archive for June, 2012

1. If you were planning to spend the day with nine children at an art museum a few hours away, but decide, when the three-year-old throws up all over you TWICE before you’ve even had your coffee, that you’d be a fool to take her to the art museum, you’d be right.

But if you think that that would be the worst way you could spend your day, you’d be wrong. (See here.)

2. If you are going to keep all of your nails, screws, bottles of paint, billions of plastic beads, nuts, bolts, bottles of glue, grout sealant, screwdrivers, paintbrushes, pipe cleaners, bits of felt, googly eyes, sequins, wrenches, pencil sharpeners, bouncy balls, clothespins, curtain rods, broken picture frames, dried up Play Doh, broken tape measures, and flattened coffee filters that will probably be useful for something some day in two rickety cabinets stacked one on top of the other, it is probably best not — NOT, I repeat — to keep several gallons of loosely closed paint on top of those cabinets.

3. Or at least, holy crap, why would you keep it so close to the computer? (Yes, what I learned is “holy crap.”)

4. Sobbing.*

5. I always think my husband is going to yell at me and make me feel bad when I do something incredibly stupid, but I learned again today that he never does. Instead he reassured me that he knows I didn’t do it on purpose, and that he would find a way to retrieve all the photo files from the last seven years somehow, and that we didn’t really need electricity in that part of the house anyway (I actually just silently said that part to myself, and assumed that he would agree, but just thought it too obvious to mention).

7. A computer that will not turn on is not a computer that will never turn on! Sometimes it just needs to have each of its 427 individual bits cleaned out so there’s not so much paint on them anymore, and then your husband will devote a mere five hours of his only day off this week to setting up the wireless milgram remote connectivity port mesodrive modulator.

Happy Friday!

*This is not actually something new I learned today. I was just brushing up.

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You know that bumper sticker, “when the power of love overcomes the love of power, then we shall blahbitty blah blah blah?” Well, where I’m at is when the sick-and-tiredness of being broke overcomes the dread of letting people see how lumpy I am, then we shall seriously consider launching a speaking career.

It turns out that the best way to go about this is not to wait for people to invite you, and then when they do, you say, “Gawrsh, I dunno, what do you want to hear me talk about?” No, you’re supposed to have ready-made topics.

I have a general idea of what kind of things people are interested in. But I don’t really go to conferences, so I don’t know what they are like. So, if you do go to conferences (and I’m thinking mostly of the Catholic ghetto circuit, since that’s where I generally hang out anyway — although any friendly venue would be fine), what would you like to hear me talk about?

Also, for goodness sake, if you are in the business of organizing conferences or lecture series, I am officially available as a speaker! simchafisher@gmail.com!

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Today starts the Fortnight for Freedom! Get your free copy of the Declaration from Hillsdale College — more info here.

Or, for a donation of $10,000 or more to the Fisher Heritage Foundation,* an authentic Patriotic Patriarch will come to your house and read it to you.** Attentive Matriarch (pictured at left) is extra.

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The Official Painfully Obvious Statement

I am a freelance writer. This here is my personal blog. What appears here is my opinion and my responsibility, and is not the opinion or responsibility of the National Catholic Register, Our Sunday Visitor, Catholic Digest or any other publication that publishes my work.

Le sigh.

Leaving the house, little two-legs? Not without your PANTS PASS!

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