4.13.2004

Defeated.

If you are going to press play "Knife Party" by Deftones

my knife it's sharp and chrome
come see inside my bones
all of the fiends are on the block
I'm the new king
I taste the queen
in here we are all anemic
in here anemic and sweet
so go get your knife
and come in
so go get your knife
and lay down
so go get your knife now kiss meI can float here forever
in this room we can't touch
the floor in here
we're all anemic
in here anemic and sweet so

Note to self: DO NOT go to fight club when emotionally distraught. I caught two head-butts and a jab in the mouth today (when I should have been defending myself). That and I was just exhausted before I even got there. Just drained. My head wasn't in the game the whole time, and when I sparred Joe and Joel I got spanked. It's not really about competition, but I sucked. Period. I couldn't focus with my head somewhere else.

Where was it? Well due to the unexpected events over the past few days, Kelly was in my life again for an instant. We had not talked in a few weeks.

To make a long story short, and skipping some of the circumstances/details... I kissed her for the first time. To me, that's some kind of spark... That means something, because I don't go throwing that kind of thing around. Now, I'm not going to speak for her, but I don't know why it happened or what it meant to her.

After last night - I'm lost and beaten.

I'm sitting here at my keyboard clueless what to write now, even though I feel that more needs to be said.

I wish I could start at square one with her. I cannot. I can't look at her or deal with her without the years of baggage, rejection, and defense mechanisms coming into play. She doesn't have that and honestly I envy her for it.

You see, I've painted this beautiful picture for the rest of my life as far love goes. In that picture there is a dotted line with a "Insert person here"... the only thing that is missing.

It's my proverbial bible of skewed and unrealistic expectations. In that, I promised myself I would NEVER settle for anything less than absolute perfection. Somewhere in there I set the bar too high.

Just like that, my faith in all of those dreams has been broken. The weight of it has just snapped the backbone of everything I have led myself to believe in. It's not just Kelly either... She just made me realize some things.

You can't paint a picture and expect someone to fit. You have to find a person and paint a picture with them. She, nor any other girl I meet in the future, will be those from my past.

So, I don't know what to do. I give up. I'm a fucking jellyfish right now.

Go ahead-
beat me to death with that shield
that you swear
you are trying to protect me with