DEAR AMY: My man and I have been together for three years and just got married. Unfortunately, we continue to have an unresolved problem, even though we have been to counseling.

He has a few exes whom he keeps in touch with. I have only one ex whom I occasionally talk to, but my husband has met my ex, and I tell my husband whenever my ex and I speak.

I have no problem with his being in touch with his exes, but he refuses to let me meet them and gets defensive if I ask about them. He says he does not spend time with them socially and so there is no need for me to meet them.

I ask to get an update every now and then, but he only tells me about two of them. I know he's in touch with more than two women because I've glanced at his phone (he guards his phone with his life and won't let me see it, even though I've asked).

I'm not asking for a transcript. I just want to hear about this contact because I'm uncomfortable with these relationships, but he says this is unreasonable. I'm trying really hard to trust him, and I'm tired of fighting. Other than this he's a wonderful man.

Is it appropriate for a man or woman to have private relationships and regular communication with a member of the opposite sex when in a committed relationship?-- Upset Wife

DEAR WIFE: You shouldn't have to try all that hard to trust your husband. Trust should be braided into the fabric of your intimate relationship.

As you point out, transparency is vital between partners. The more opaque or secretive your husband is, the more it will interfere with the intimacy you should share.

Your relationship should be the primary relationship for both of you. Your husband's choice to maintain secret relationships with other people interferes with your intimacy. It's as if he has invited other people into your relationship but he won't let you meet them.

The most illuminating book I've read on this subject drills to the heart of why secret relationships are so painful and destructive. I highly recommend "Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity," by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli (2004, Free Press). Read this book together, and discuss it in counseling.

DEAR AMY: Is it proper for a married man to compliment a woman on her appearance? I realize it can be overdone, but occasionally a new hairstyle or a certain outfit really stands out.

In such cases, I would like to tell a lady that I think she looks nice, but my wife says it makes most women uncomfortable and would not be appreciated. My 21-year-old daughter says she enjoys receiving compliments and thinks most women do. Who is correct?-- Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: I suspect the woman whom your compliments make uncomfortable is your wife. I think it's delightful for people to compliment one another. Unless this praise is too intimate or goes galloping out of control ("Wow! Your radiant complexion would give Nicole Kidman a run for her money!"), you should feel free to parcel out the praise -- and direct some of it toward your wife.

DEAR AMY: In view of an important and close presidential election (where, sadly, religion is a factor), I question the wisdom and timing of your column wherein a restaurant customer, described as a Mormon, displayed truly despicable behavior toward a server sporting tattoos.

Your answer did not go far enough. That type of behavior is not a value of the Mormon Church, and rather than simply saying, "It isn't about religion, but about rudeness," you should have pointed this out. There is much ignorance about the Mormon religion.-- Sioux B.

DEAR SIOUX: Several readers thought that I let this letter writer insult the Mormon Church, and though I addressed this religious reference in my answer, I apologize to readers who were offended.

LW1: You have trust issues that were not resolved thru counseling. great idea to go ahead and get married.

LW2: What Amy said.

LW3: "DEAR AMY: In view of an important and close presidential election"Has there ever been a presidential election that people thought was not important?

"I question the wisdom and timing of your column wherein a restaurant customer, described as a Mormon"Does every action have to fit a bigger agenda? It was an interesting letter. She ran it. If she gets any letters that have to do with race, should she refrain from running those too?

"Your answer did not go far enough. That type of behavior is not a value of the Mormon Church, and rather than simply saying, "It isn't about religion, but about rudeness," you should have pointed this out."

So now, she's supposed to be the mouthpiece for the Mormon church? Her answer was fine, surprisingly.

L1: Why on earth did you marry him with this obstacle in your relationship? I don't like Amy's advice because if the guy hasn't cheated, I think he'll be pretty offended by being treated like a cheating spouse.

FWIW, if he guards his phone with his life and is secretive, I wouldn't trust him. But I also wouldn't marry him, or even get engaged. Why did you?

L2: Your insecure wife needs to shut it. Sincere, spontaneous compliments are wonderful. The married guys I work with are better than the single guys when it comes to commenting on a new haircut or even a nice new outfit. I thank them and it puts a smile on my face. They're just being nice. Continue to compliment women (not too much, not effusively, etc.) and just don't tell your insecure wife about it.

L3: I'm not a fan of the Mormon church's involvement in various states' gay marriage issues, but I've known several Mormons and they were loving, caring people. I defend the Mormon church when people make an ignorant comment about plural marriages, etc.

That goes without saying, but why are you choosing this particular letter to point that out. This is one of the few times I don't find fault in her, unless you fault her for apologizing to the overly sensitive Mormons who think she should have done more to protect their honor.

L1: No, you shouldn't have gotten married with an unresolved problem but that barn door has been shut. You need to go to counselling and, if he continues this behavior you have a decision to make. Accept it or leave. You'll destroy the marriage doing the same thing over and over.

L2: Continue to compliment your wife and daughter. Your wife (so you too) might need counselling b/c this insecurity is coming from somewhere. It could eat her up.

L3: Right. It isn't about religion, but rudeness. So why are you bringing it up -- again?

<quoted text>That goes without saying, but why are you choosing this particular letter to point that out. This is one of the few times I don't find fault in her, unless you fault her for apologizing to the overly sensitive Mormons who think she should have done more to protect their honor.

When someone makes it a point to point out that they are Mormon and then displays behavior that is against that religion's teachings, I think it is appropriate to point that out rather than say it has nothing to do with religion.

<quoted text>When someone makes it a point to point out that they are Mormon and then displays behavior that is against that religion's teachings, I think it is appropriate to point that out rather than say it has nothing to do with religion.

I don't think the rude lady made a show out of being a mormon. I think the LW happened to know that and pointed that out in the letter as if it had something to do with her being rude. There are rude asshole's in every walk of life.

<quoted text>When someone makes it a point to point out that they are Mormon and then displays behavior that is against that religion's teachings, I think it is appropriate to point that out rather than say it has nothing to do with religion.

There are a decent percentage of people in any religious group who pick-and-choose the teachings they prefer to validate their own internal judginess/meanness/smallness and disregard any teachings that are to the contrary.

Pointing it out isn't going to stop them from doing that. They've long ago embraced the cognitive dissociation.

1. If you're in touch with one of your exes, you don't get to complain about him being in touch with his. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone from whom you have to constantly obtain proof/reassurance? He resents you not trusting him, you resent him talking to exes and not being more transparent. The reality is that, even if he showed you text messages, and even if you got to meet the exes, you still would not be satisfied. You are done, you just don't know it yet.

2. Your wife is jealous/insecure. You probably do not compliment her enough to suit her.

<quoted text>There are a decent percentage of people in any religious group who pick-and-choose the teachings they prefer to validate their own internal judginess/meanness/smallness and disregard any teachings that are to the contrary.

And the ones who strictly follow every teaching to the letter (which is actually impossible because the bible is contradictory) are labeled religious nut-jobs. Can't win for losing!

<quoted text>There are a decent percentage of people in any religious group who pick-and-choose the teachings they prefer to validate their own internal judginess/meanness/smallness and disregard any teachings that are to the contrary.Pointing it out isn't going to stop them from doing that. They've long ago embraced the cognitive dissociation.

I think being nice to other people and following the golden rule is pretty fundamental to all of Christianity. I don't know too many folks who would say they don't believe in that. You have a point, but it's usually not in relation to something so basic.

<quoted text>And the ones who strictly follow every teaching to the letter (which is actually impossible because the bible is contradictory) are labeled religious nut-jobs. Can't win for losing!

Not only are the teachings contradictory at times (see the mean vindictive god of the old testament verses the kind god of the new testament), but also what is said in the bible is often times subject to a number of reasonable interpretations. Additionally, a lot of the rules in any branch of Christianity are man made rules that are not supported by the bible or even go against what is said in the bible. The very notion that one should have to go to church is not supported by the bible and indeed language used by Jesus suggests that one should not have to.

<quoted text>Not only are the teachings contradictory at times (see the mean vindictive god of the old testament verses the kind god of the new testament), but also what is said in the bible is often times subject to a number of reasonable interpretations. Additionally, a lot of the rules in any branch of Christianity are man made rules that are not supported by the bible or even go against what is said in the bible. The very notion that one should have to go to church is not supported by the bible and indeed language used by Jesus suggests that one should not have to.

THere was an outdoor wedding ceremony on the SImpsons. Weather played havoc. Rev. Lovejoy said, "This wouldn't be happening if they got married in the church instead of outdoors in the showiness of nature."

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