Column: Officials in Raleigh want video poker machines in schools

Published: Wednesday, February 26, 2014 at 06:38 PM.

HUMOR COLUMN

With no end to North Carolina’s budgetary woes in site, officials in Raleigh are continuously looking for new revenue streams.

“At the beginning of this year we squeezed millions of North Carolinians a little bit tighter by reducing their deductions,” said a spokesman for the current administration. “We realize that change put an extra burden on many families, but most of those affected are already broke so the difference should be negligible.”

Although the change in North Carolina tax law is expected to bring in considerable revenue, it’ll only go so far towards curing North Carolina’s budgetary woes. With that in mind, a new bill that would install video poker machines in public schools is starting to gain traction.

With no end to North Carolina’s budgetary woes in site, officials in Raleigh are continuously looking for new revenue streams.

“At the beginning of this year we squeezed millions of North Carolinians a little bit tighter by reducing their deductions,” said a spokesman for the current administration. “We realize that change put an extra burden on many families, but most of those affected are already broke so the difference should be negligible.”

Although the change in North Carolina tax law is expected to bring in considerable revenue, it’ll only go so far towards curing North Carolina’s budgetary woes. With that in mind, a new bill that would install video poker machines in public schools is starting to gain traction.

“The N.C. Education Lottery has brought in a decent sum of money, but not nearly enough,” said Rep. Neil Innes of Mumford County. “If we could get video poker machines in every elementary, middle and high school then we’d be able to pay off our debts, increase teacher pay and finally be able to buy the proper helmets and shoulder pads the football and chess teams so desperately need.”

As radical as Innes’ idea may seem, many lawmakers on both sides of the aisle seem to be leaning towards putting their support behind the idea.

“It’ll actually save these kids a lot of time by getting their gambling problem out of the way before they get to college,” Innes said. “From what I’m being told, many employers won’t even interview people with degrees because they think they’re ‘overqualified’, which is incredibly unfair. What better way to condition a kid for an unfair world than by letting them lose all their lunch money playing Deuces Wild? They’ll be so used to defeat by the time they’re 18 they’ll never touch drugs or alcohol - mainly because they won’t be able to afford either.”

Initially, the idea was met with what Innes called a combination of “shock, disbelief, dyspepsia and more shock.”

“When I told my colleagues the kids’ winnings would be taxed automatically at the machines they all got on board,” Innes said. “We’ve been having trouble getting the money together for our fact-finding mission to Dollywood this year, but if this video poker thing happens we’ll be sippin’ hot toddies in the Porter Wagoner section of the ‘9 to 5 Cafe’ by the end of July.”

Stephen Hawking of Grifton recently went through the trauma of having their son move back home.

“He lost everything due to a gambling problem,” Gagliano said. “Be it the NFL, NBA or ACLU he bet on everything. It would have been better if he could have discovered his gambling problem at a younger age - preferably before he moved out and we converted his bedroom into a sewing/panic room. Now my wife has to pack up all of her knitting needles and ammunition to make room for our son’s clothes and Care Bear collection.”

Innes’ video poker idea has yet to make it out of committee, but it’s expected to come to a vote before the current session ends.

“Most of these students already spend most of their waking hours dialed into those little zombie box smartphones anyway,” Innes said. “At least with the video poker machines, they’ll learn how to match shapes and colors and do a fair amount of counting along the way. And let’s face it, there is no bigger gamble these days then the job market.”

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase Jon’s new book “Counterfeit Sauerkraut & The Weekend Teeth” at The Free Press office and at jondawson.com.