Jeff Carpenter found he and his wife Shelia, of the Town of Maine, developed a more loving relationship after sorting out the frustrations of his care needs. / VALERIE ZEHL/Staff photo

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Editor's Note: The report was first published on Nov. 24, 2013.
For more than 30 years, licensed clinical social worker Lisa Kendall has worked with elders and their families in Binghamton, Ithaca, Elmira and beyond.

She has learned the most common issues for caregivers are stress, exhaustion, resentment and burn-out, mainly caused by their perception that they should be able to do it all for the elder. They feel inadequate and feel shame when they want to bring in outside help.

“At the same time, I met elders who felt helpless, experiencing symptoms of depression because they felt they had nothing to give, and that their families often wouldn't let them help round the house or participate more fully in their own care,” said Kendall, who lives in the Ithaca area.

As certified educator for The Eden Alternative, she cites the work of its founder, Ithaca-based Dr. Bill Thomas, whose core philosophy was creating a framework for understanding how every caregiver and care receiver has something to give and receive.

Partnering can come in as simple a form as a grandmother reading to a child or teaching how to crochet while the mom and primary caregiver fixes dinner.

It can remove a lot of stress when both caregiver and receiver think of the transaction as a partnership, rather than as one person shouldering full responsibility for the well-being of another.

In her roles as instructor for Ithaca College’s Fieldwork in Gerontology class and as a member of the Cornell University President’s Advisory Council on Work and Family Issues, she has worked with groups and individuals reframing what it means to heal and recognize opportunities for the individual’s growth and relationships even as the physical body is dying.

Partners in care

When Jeff Carpenter’s vision became a problem, wife Shelia became his chauffeur. The 20-minute drive to any of his doctors or hospitals from their home in the Town of Maine was bad enough, but for 90 days he found himself in Rochester’s Strong Memorial Hospital, with Shelia never far from his side.

Even after the hospital released him, Jeff could do few things for himself.

“I was moody,” Jeff said. “Sometimes I barked; I wasn’t terribly kind. You both try to do what you used to do, and you don’t and you can’t. You have to adapt.”

In retrospect, he’s not sure whether he or his wife had the worse experience.

“It’s not so much a male thing as a human being thing,” he said. “You want to be independent. You get your ego in there, and you want to be able to do it, but you can’t even put your pants on. It’s humiliating.”

In what became a near-perfect partnering, the two found their way through those difficult months.

“I’d get angry, then I’d sit down — and she’d give me a kiss,” he said. “I’ll tell you what, we became, for lack of a better word, lovers. It shored up our relationship after almost 40 years together. We’ve been through a lot, but this has created a more loving relationship.”

“Caregivers — I don’t know how to say enough,” Jeff said. “They have the toughest job in the world. All I had to do was lay back and get well.”

Retaining independence can come in many forms. There’s much Katharine LaLonde, of Ithaca, can’t do — but there’s also much she can.

“I can get my own breakfast,” said LaLonde. “And one day a week I go out with the Red Hatters.” The Red Hat Society is best known as a social outlet for women over 50, who dress in purple garb and red hats.

LaLonde can’t drive anymore, but she makes arrangements so somebody will pick her up for her standing monthly date with retired school district employees like herself.

That takes a heavy load off her caregiver daughter Mary Kay, who already has plenty to do when she comes home from work and isn’t necessarily inspired to sit and socialize.