How I lost Fifty Pounds... Overnight !

The First Step To Weight Loss

Weight loss is a hot topic. People are always interested in new methods for losing weight, especially if there's a chance of losing weight quickly. I don't want to come across as overly smug here, but I have discovered a secret that is practically guaranteed to rid you of pounds... in a matter of hours! And it's a secret, my friends, that will be revealed in all its fullness... right here in this article!

Before I begin, though, I'm obliged to point out that no one should undertake a weight loss program without consulting a medical practitioner. Your medical practitioner will tell you, perhaps for the umpteenth time, that there's no surefire way to lose weight. The best you can do is improve the odds, you'll be told, and the best odds will be gained by eating a balanced diet, exercising regularly, and refraining from overindulgence in anything that you're likely to enjoy, such as red meat and booze.

I'm advising you to visit your doctor for three reasons: 1) to assuage my fears of being sued; 2) to give you a refresher on why weight loss programs don't work; and 3) to give your poor doctor an opportunity to bill your country's health system one more time. Oh wait... there's a fourth: to allow you to relax and finish this article in comfort. My method... guaranteed!... does not contain any of the rules touted by doctors.

So, on with the show.

Prepare For The Challenge

Like any worthwhile undertaking, a good weight loss program will benefit from a morsel of considered preparation. Your body is your best friend. You need to treat it respectfully, lovingly, gently. You need to prepare it for the dark tunnel it's about to enter.

Can you imagine the shock of arriving at a Sunday afternoon and discovering there's NO SUGAR? Without warning? No, my friends, that's not the way it's done. You sit with your body, lovingly feed it the sugar it so deeply desires, and talk softly and tenderly to it about the tribulations that lie ahead. You say you are there for it, you are there with it, that you will share its pain. Doing this will not lessen the coming agonies, but the feelings of understanding and trust you establish between you and your body will make the burden so much easier to bear.

The two of you can sit together and make a list of all the sacrifices you will be making for each other. The saturated fats, the excessive carbs, the vast quantities of alcohol you will no longer share; these things need to be laid out and mourned. The long days and weeks of whole grain breads, cucumber sandwiches, and life-draining tofu and soyburgers; they, too, need to be acknowledged, addressed, and faced down. A project as serious as weight loss should be undertaken with earnest sincerity. You and your body need to face it as a team, as a single unit, in positive and supportive ways.

That way, when you find yourself double-fisting hamburgers and fries on diet day four, nobody is blaming anyone.

England, Chips, Beef, and Beer

To supplement my weight loss program, I decided to go to England on vacation.

One of the reasons I went is that they don't have any french fries over there. A good way to avoid eating french fries is to take a vacation in a country where there aren't any. In England they have "chips". Now, I don't recall anyone here in North America saying that you shouldn't eat chips. Everyone's too busy fussing about french fries. Over in England they served me chips in baskets. I ate lots; yum, yum and YUM!

England is well known for fish and chips but I didn't have any fish. I'll tell you why. A few years ago England was plagued with an outbreak of Mad Cow Disease; a little while later Canada was plagued with an outbreak of the same thing. So out of a sense of brotherhood and solidarity I ate beef. The RED stuff... lots of it. Like I said earlier, yum, yum, and YUM!

Then there was the beer! Oh Lordy, how I loved the beer! They served it to me in big mugs and no one was counting mugs. Every time I'd wave in a friendly way to the bartender she'd send over another mug. A wonderful gal was that bartender.

Fifty Pounds Lighter

But, you protest, this Hub is supposed to be about weight loss. How can this be about weight loss when you're eating those horrid foods and drinking all that beer?

Okay, I'll admit you have a point on the weight loss thing. I did mention "weight loss" and a few related phrases here and there. To be honest, though, I just tossed them in as bait for the Adsense folks. Weight loss ads are quite lucrative, I hear. What I said - or at least what I said I'd say - is that "I lost fifty pounds." There's a difference between losing weight and losing fifty pounds. Let me explain.

I was in England, as I mentioned, in one of those places that doubles as a restaurant and a bar. A "pub" I think they call it. Anyway, somewhere between the end of the afternoon and the beginning of the night, I lost track of things. The next thing I know I'm outside the bar, doing my level best to stay upright on an undulating sidewalk. I'm still trying to perfect "upright" when I see a lady police officer coming toward me. "Bobbie" I thing they called her.

Folks, let me tell you, Bobbie was one heckuva good looking lady. I told her so, too. Then I got all loquacious and everything and told her that her uniform had moved in delightful ways as she was walking toward me. I went on to ask her if she could "re-move" her uniform so I could more deeply impress on my mind such a beautiful memory.

Now, like I said, I had lost track of things. I have a distant memory of her running her hands over my body. A pleasant memory to be sure, but I'm not perfectly clear on it. I sort of remember lying face down on the sidewalk. Which doesn't make much sense; of what use was I lying face down? Oh well, if it turns out that she was a little kinky I can live with it. She was beautiful! The last thing I recall is being hurried along toward a large brick building. "Rich chic!" I thought, trying unsuccessfully to focus on my good luck.

Unfortunately, the rest of the night is a total blank. My next recollection is of sitting with Bobbie in front of an old man wearing a wig. (The old man was wearing the wig, not me.) I didn't pay much attention to the old fellow because I was reflecting on the wonder of having spent the night with Bobbie. She's the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see next morning. We had to have spent the night together, right? Gee, I wish I could remember...

The old guy seemed to be talking to me but I don't think he was making much headway. I was having trouble with his accent. To be fair, I think I would have had trouble with any accent. I heard something that sounded like "drunk and disorderly" but I couldn't be sure. I didn't know who he was talking about anyway. And I still wasn't paying attention because by now I was practically rolling in the afterglow of my newborn romance.

So Bobbie chats him up and soon she turns to me and says, "Fifty pounds."

I looked at her through the mist of my love-soaked intoxication and smiled ever so dumbly. She stared coldly in return and reached into my pocket. Withdrawing my wallet, she took five bills of British currency bearing the number "10" and handed them to the old guy. She turned back to me and said in an icy, professional voice, "Your fine is paid. You are free to go."

So there I was, fifty pounds lighter. And obtusely thrilled because I had this secret...!

Comments

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Author

Niteriter 4 years agofrom Canada

You are in grave danger of creating a disconcerting dependency. Loving anything about me incurs the risk of You the Lap becoming a home for Me the Dog!

Cheers!

Holle Abee 4 years agofrom Georgia

Another great story! I LOVE your sense of humor. Voted up, etc.

Author

Niteriter 4 years agofrom Canada

It's good to see you back in the neighbourhood. Your presence makes everything a little brighter!

pennyofheaven 4 years agofrom New Zealand

Haha awww you are so humble and so generous with your praise. Sorry for the tardy reply have been on holiday from the hub pages. Will be checking out your hubs again over the next few days.

Author

Niteriter 5 years agofrom Canada

Penny, I am in awe simply that an intelligent person like yourself would take the time to read my low-level comments on the human condition. That you would declare yourself an avid reader turns me into an old dog rolling over to have his belly scratched!

Thanks for the visit. Much appreciated.

pennyofheaven 5 years agofrom New Zealand

You have an avid reader here. I love reading your wit and charm it really does make my day.

Author

Niteriter 7 years agofrom Canada

Most of my Hubs contain, as my friend nicomp says, "perfectly useless information" (an educated comment that holds a great degree of accuracy) but I do hope my readers are rewarded with a little chuckle at least. Thank you for visiting.

tdarby 7 years ago

Great hub--loved it. What a delightful play on words that I did not see coming.

Author

Niteriter 7 years agofrom Canada

I'm happy you enjoyed my little tale, Isabelle. The story's historical accuracy might be held in question considering my hazy recollection of the pertinent events. I guess it's fair to say that I was a bit of a loser any way you look at that set of circumstances, wouldn't you say?

Isabelle22 7 years agofrom Somewhere on the coastline

The title got me in. Haha. Loved it Niteriter.

Author

Niteriter 7 years agofrom Canada

Swift wit is an old friend of mine who hasn't come to see me for a while. My jocular exchanges often end up much like a family reunion attended by unrelated strangers, the evidence sitting irretrievably atop your comment in my return to Ben.

Thanks for stopping by. I'll be active here again in just a little while. I have a couple of "real Life" deadlines to meet.

drbj and sherry 7 years agofrom south Florida

You lost 50 pounds, my friend? And you call me "frolicsome?"

Enjoyed the hub and would be pleased to participate in jocular exchange.

Author

Niteriter 7 years agofrom Canada

By the powers granted in me by a gallery of jesters, I hereby pardon all your puns for life.

Ha, I hate it when the sidewalks start to undulate. Much better when it's only the women that do the undulating. Great anecdote my friend Niteriter! Still trying to find people with overweight wallets obese with pounds to buy my art, but pardon me and my puns.

Ben

Author

Niteriter 7 years agofrom Canada

Your visits are always a pleasant occasion, Maita. I'm happy that my lighthearted inventions make you laugh. Best wishes.

prettydarkhorse 7 years agofrom US

wow that's great, you came to england so that you cant eat chips LOL, haha, I really like the way you write haha, you always made me LOL< nice writing and humour too, have a good day always, Maita

Author

Niteriter 7 years agofrom Canada

I sit in my rocking chair and dream my dreams.

nicomp really 7 years agofrom Ohio, USA

LOL. This could be fashioned into a fractured fairy tale.

Author

Niteriter 7 years agofrom Canada

I'm happy that you came by to visit, Green Lotus. I believe in the value of laughter so I needed your comment as well. Thanks for letting me know.

Hillary 7 years agofrom Atlanta, GA

You made me laugh..and I needed that.

Author

Niteriter 7 years agofrom Canada

Aw, MagicStar, you tickle me plumb to death. I am your puppy forever!

MagicStarER 7 years agofrom Western Kentucky

Hey! I need to lose 50 lbs. too! The only way I could ever probably lose it, is through your way: in England! hahahahaha - You are a riot! I don't know why all those women took off with all your things and left you alone with your laundry! They are missing out on a lifetime of entertainment! :)

CarpetDiem 7 years agofrom Southern California

"I have discovered a secret that is practically guaranteed to rid you of pounds... in a matter of hours!"

hi Niteriter,

I figured this must be a joke, but I couldn't figure it out until I read your punchline. Excellent joke, I mean, informative hub!

I'm heading over to become a fan! CarpetDiem

bayareagreatthing 7 years agofrom Bay Area California

again...still laughing!

Amanda Severn 7 years agofrom UK

Right on cue, as I finished reading this hub, a British 'Bobbie' walked past my office window. Might she have been the sweet siren of your fantasies I wonder? We'll probably never know....

Very funny hub BTW Niteriter. That's certainly one way of shedding fifty pounds!