AUTHORS NOTE:
The following episode of the hit TV show "Seinfeld" was originally scheduled
to be the centerpiece of NBC's Fall sweeps week this year. The network
executives figured that they were finally giving loyal "Seinfeld" viewers
the episode they had always wanted. Unfortunately, when sponsors learned what
the storyline was, several of them threatened to pull out and the episode
had to be scrapped. A friend of mine leaked the script to me, and I decided
to rework it into a narrative story and post it. Once you read it, I'm sure
you will agree that the network was foolish to think they could ever get it
on the air.

* * *

The intercom next to the front door buzzed, and Jerry Seinfeld got up from
his couch, walked across his neat one-bedroom apartment, and pushed the talk
button.

"Who is it?"

"It's George."

"Come on up." Jerry buzzed George in, unlocked the door and then sat back
down to continue channel surfing, his favorite leisure activity.

George Costanza came in and plopped down next to him.

"How's it going, Jerry?"

"Not bad, Georgie. What brings you by?" This was more or less a rhetorical
question, since George dropped by almost every day after work for no
particular reason other than habit, and Jerry wasn't expecting much of a
reply.

But George heaved a deep sigh and said, "I want to ask you something, Jerry."

"Shoot."

"When's the last time you got laid? If you don't mind my asking, of course."

Jerry tore his eyes away from the TV and gave George a surprised look.

"When's the last time I got laid?? You came over here to ask me that?"

"I'll tell you the last time I got laid, Jerry." A few moments of silence.
"Actually, I can't even remember, which just proves my point. I'm horny,
dammit. My basic male needs are not being met."

Jerry shifted a few inches along the couch away from his friend.

"Well, I can't help you there, I'm afraid."

"Don't be ridiculous, Jerry. I haven't seen you dating anyone lately, and I
thought maybe you had the same problem I did. Misery loves company, you
know."

Jerry thought about it. The truth was, he hadn't had any sex in months
either.

"You know, now that you mention it, it's been a while for me too." He shook
his head sadly. "You hit the nail on the head - It really is a basic male
need, isn't it?"

George nodded. "If only it was also a basic female need, then we wouldn't
have this problem. Some people say that women need sex, but I certainly
haven't seen much evidence of it."

The intercom buzzed again, and Jerry heaved himself back up off the couch
with a sigh.

"Who is it?"

"It's Elaine."

"Come on up."

Jerry sat back down. "She's been coming over here every day after her workout
to use my shower," he said. "She says the showers at the health club don't
have enough water pressure or something."

George shook his head. "How do you like that," he said absently. As a general
rule, he preferred to concentrate on his own problems.

"Not very much actually, but what can you do."

Elaine Benes came into the apartment and dropped an enormous gym bag on the
floor with a loud thump. She was wearing a tight spandex leotard under a pair
of running shorts, and her long brown hair was pulled back by a sweatband.
Sweat evaporating from her leotard had caused localized cooling, and her
nipples were poking through the spandex.

"Hi Jerry, hi George."

Elaine walked over to the refrigerator, took out a carton of milk, and began
drinking like someone who had been lost in the desert for a week. Milk
dribbled out of the corner of her mouth, down her throat, and into the
cleavage of her leotard. Finally, she lowered the carton and let out a long,
satisfied sigh.

"God, I needed that."

She noticed that Jerry and George were staring at her.

"What?" She looked at the empty carton in her hand. "Oh, sorry about the
milk. I'll bring you some more tomorrow."

"It's not that," said Jerry finally. "You've got a little milk..." He
motioned to his chin.

"Oh, thanks." She wiped her chin with her hand, and then did the same thing
to her neck and the upper part of her chest. As she licked the last drops of
milk off her fingers, she noticed that they were staring at her again.

"What's with you guys?"

"Nothing, really," said Jerry.

"No, come on - you're both staring at me with funny looks on your faces.
What's going on? What were you talking about before I came up?"

Elaine was one of those women who couldn't stand to be left out of a
conversation, and Jerry knew she wouldn't be satisfied until she had dragged
it out of them.

"George and I were just having sort of a guy talk," he said. "It turns out
that neither one of us has... been with a woman in quite some time. We were
sitting here commiserating, and then you waltz in here in that tight outfit
and start guzzling milk, letting it run down your neck and between your
breasts..."

"I get the point," she interrupted. "You're horny."

"Exactly!" said George, slapping the armrest of the couch for emphasis.
"We're horny."

They braced themselves for some teasing from Elaine.

"Well, I'm horny too," she said to their surprise. She made a sour face. "I
haven't gotten laid since Fred joined that cult."

Jerry shook his head. "That was such a shame. Fred seemed like a nice guy."

"Well, his name is Ram El, now, and he has forsaken all earthly pleasures,
including me. I've had quite a dry spell since then. Sex is a basic female
need, you know."

"Aha!" said George. "So at least there's hope."

Elaine looked at them thoughtfully, and then gave them a devilish smile.
"Maybe we could sort of...help each other out. What do you say, Georgie?"
Elaine knew George had always had a crush on her.

"That would be fantastic," said George.

"Sounds good to me, too," said Jerry cheerfully. Naturally they assumed she
was kidding. But she wasn't.

She came over and squeezed between them on the couch.

"In fact," she said, "I was thinking it would be fun to have sex with both
of you guys at once. What do you say?"

George gasped for breath as he realized she was serious. "What do we say?
What you think we say?? We say yes!!" He looked over at Jerry for
confirmation, but his friend looked doubtful. The comedian was kind of
squeamish about trying anything new or different.

Elaine poked Jerry in the ribs. "What's the matter, sport? Not man enough?"

Jerry stood up and paced back and forth. "I don't know about this. I was in
this situation once before, and I didn't do it because I thought I would have
to start living a whole different life style."

"You didn't do it because you are a moron," muttered George, who had helped
Jerry get that previous opportunity and had never forgiven him for passing
it up.

George snorted. "Not when we get through with her." He rubbed his hands
together. "Now, we need a plan of action. Who's going to do what, what's
going to go where, it's all got to be decided ahead of time."

At that moment, much to George and Jerry's dismay, the door flew open and
Kramer burst into the apartment.

Jerry recalled that he had promised his lanky neighbor that he would go food
shopping with him this evening. At the moment, it was the last thing he
wanted to do. However, he was worried that George would spill the beans to
Kramer, and he reasoned that it might be best to separate them."

"OK, Kramer, lets go."

Kramer was looking at George curiously. "What's the matter, buddy? You look
like you've seen a ghost or something."

"This isn't like sharing a taxi!" said George angrily. "It's a private matter
between the three of us. You can't say anything to Elaine about this, Kramer.
If she finds out that you know, it will never happen."

Kramer nodded grudgingly. "OK, OK, I won't say anything."

Just then Elaine walked out of the bathroom with a towel around her head.
"Jerry, can I use your hair dryer? Oh, hi Kramer."

"Well, hello there," said Kramer in a low, husky voice.

Elaine stopped in her tracks and stared at Kramer for a second. Then she
looked at George. "You told him, didn't you?" George's face told her the
answer.

"He held out for four whole minutes," said Jerry. "For George, that's not
too bad."

"Well, that's just great," said Elaine angrily. "I guess I'll have to call
the whole thing off. I don't want the whole city to know about it."

George shook his head despondently. He appeared to be close to tears.
Suddenly, he slapped himself repeatedly on the forehead. "Stupid, stupid,
stupid!"

Elaine thought it over briefly. "Unless... Kramer, you want in?"

"Oh yeah - I want in." Kramer smiled happily.

"OK, we'll do it with Kramer," said Elaine.

"Hallelujah!" shouted George.

"You are going to do all three of us at once?" asked Jerry disbelievingly.

"Sure, why not." She cocked her hip saucily at Jerry. "I have three holes,
don't I? Come on, too late to chicken out now."

Jerry shook his head in confusion. This was getting to be a little too much
for him. But Elaine was right, it was too late to back out now.

"You know who else you should get in on this?" said Kramer to Elaine.

"I hate to even ask," said Elaine. "But who?"

"Newman," said Kramer with a knowing nod.

"Newman?? Why Newman?" Elaine wrinkled her nose with distaste. Newman was an
overweight friend of Kramer's who lived in the building. He and Jerry didn't
get along.

"Well, most people don't know this, but Newman is a superb cocksman."

"A what?" asked Elaine, laughing.

"A superb cocksman," repeated Kramer.

"How do you know?" asked George. "Are you just taking his word for it?"

"I've seem him action," answered Kramer with a meaningful nod.

"That's too much information," said Jerry with disgust.

"No, no," said Kramer. "He was in some movies back in the early eighties.
Adult movies."

"Wait a minute," said George. "You're telling me Newman used to be a porno
actor? I don't believe it."

"I don't believe it either," said Jerry. "Kramer, you're nuts."

"Oh no, it's true," said Kramer. "Wait right here." He disappeared out the
door.

"Superb cocksman," said Jerry thoughtfully. "There's a phrase you don't hear
every day."

"I'll say," giggled Elaine.

"It's kind of raunchy and elegant at the same time," said Jerry, switching
into his stand-up comedian mode. "You know, I think it would be a good phrase
for a personal ad." He pantomimed reading a classified ad. "Single white
male, mid thirties, non-smoker, is looking for someone to share special times
with. Enjoy reading, rollerblading, and avante garde films. Superb cocksman."

"No, I don't think that would go over very well. I've got a reputation as a
family comedian, you know."

"Too bad," said Elaine. "It's a lot funnier than most of your stuff."

"Gee, thanks," said Jerry.

Kramer burst back into the apartment carrying a videotape.

"Here it is: 'Hot and Spicy Pizza Girls'! A classic." He popped it into the
VCR and started fast forwarding.

"Right up there with 'The Godfather', I'm sure," said Jerry sarcastically.

"Here we go," said Kramer, playing the tape at normal speed. On the screen,
a scantily clad woman carrying a pizza box sauntered up to the front of a
house and rang the bell. A thin young man with curly brown hair answered the
door.

"There he is," said Kramer triumphantly. "That's Newman."

"That's not Newman," said George dismissively.

Elaine leaned in for a closer look. "Oh my God, that IS Newman!"

"About ten thousand bear claws ago," observed Jerry.

"I don't get it," said George with a note of jealousy in his voice. "Why
would anyone put Newman in a porno movie?"

Elaine turned off the tape. "I've seen enough," she said. "Newman's in."

Jerry threw up his hands in dismay. "Four guys! How are you going to do four
guys at once?"

"We need a plan," said George again. "You can't just rush into these things
willy-nilly and expect them to go smoothly."

Jerry gave him a dirty look. "Oh, so you're an expert, now. Well, someone
please explain to me how Elaine is going to satisfy four men at once."

Jerry, George, and Kramer launched into an animated discussion. Arguments
began, and angry words were exchanged. A sketch pad was used. George, who
was secretly afraid that he was going to be stuck with a hand job or an
armpit, was particularly vehement.

"SHUT UP, all of you!" Elaine was looking at them accusingly, hands on her
hips. They fell silent.

"This is MY orgy and I'll decide who does what."

They listened attentively.

"George, you get my ass."

"Why me?" asked George.

"Well, that's the tightest hole, and it's a very sensitive area. I'm not sure
how to put this nicely, George, but I think I would be most comfortable with
you in my ass."

George looked a little hurt. "What, you just assume that my cock is the
smallest?"

"Not at all. Jerry told me."

George shrugged. "That's OK. I wanted the ass anyway."

"Good," said Elaine. "Just be sure you wear a condom. And not one of those
blue ones, for Gods sake."

"Don't worry," said George reassuringly. "I threw all those away."

"OK," continued Elaine. "Jerry, you have the best hygeine, so you get my
mouth. Kramer, that leaves you with my pussy. Now, is everyone happy?"

They all nodded.

"What about Newman?" asked Jerry.

"He can be a substitute in case someone gets hurt," answered Elaine with a
laugh. "I just want to get a closer look at his tool, anyway."

"So when do we do it?" asked George eagerly.

Elaine smiled. She was almost as eager as George. "How about tomorrow at
about this time? We'll all meet right here."

"All right," said Jerry. "Tomorrow it is. Do you think you can wait that
long?" he asked, looking at George.

"Are you kidding? I won a contest, remember?"

* * *

The next day, George arrived at Jerry's apartment a bit early.

"I wanted to make sure I had time to get ready," he said, going into the
bedroom.

A few minutes later he came out wearing a paisley silk robe.

Jerry looked at him and laughed. "You look like Hugh Hefner. All you need is
the pipe."

"One should always dress appropriately for the occasion," said George,
inspecting himself in the mirror. "It's one of my philosophies in life. If
you want to be a swinger, you have to dress like a swinger."

"Well you look like one swinging dude, my friend."

Elaine was next to arrive. "Nice robe," she said to George with a wan smile.

"Elaine, you look kind of pale," observed Jerry. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I'm kind of nervous," she admitted. "I've never done anything like this
before, you know." She started opening cabinets in the kitchen. "You have
any booze?"

"Bottom cabinet next to the fridge," said Jerry.

Elaine found a bottle of whiskey and poured herself a huge drink. "Down the
hatch," she said, tossing it back. "Whoa! That's more like it."

As the alcohol took effect, color returned to her cheeks and she began to
dance around the apartment. She shimmied seductively up to George and ran
her hands up and down his chest, enjoying the slippery feeling of the silk.

"I like a man who knows how to dress for the occasion."

George nodded knowingly.

"OK, Costanza, lets see it," she suddenly said with a giggle.

George turned pale. "You want to see it? What, just like that?"

"You heard her, Hef," said Jerry. "She wants to see it."

"I think I better have a drink first," said George. He poured himself a shot
of whiskey and downed it. "Ahh... I see what you mean, Elaine. That does
help."

He walked back over to Elaine and then, with one sudden movement, he flung
off the robe. He wasn't wearing anything under it.

"Not until everyone is here," said Elaine coquettishly. "But I guess I can
get a little more comfortable." She took off her blouse and her skirt,
revealing a short black teddy which was cut low in front. She did a twirl
for their benefit.

"Now, lets go Jerry," she said. "Chop, chop."

"You heard the woman," said George. "Besides, you won't believe how much
better you will feel once you are naked." In fact, George did look unusually
radiant.

"OK, OK," said Jerry. He slowly removed his white sneakers and socks, then
his jeans and his t-shirt, folding them neatly as he took them off. Finally,
he stood completely naked.

"You know, this does feel pretty good," he said, smiling and swinging his
arms back and forth.

"I told you," said George.

Just then the doorknob rattled and there was a loud thud as something hit
the door.

"I thought it would be prudent to leave it locked this evening," said Jerry.

Elaine opened the door, and Kramer and Newman walked in. Kramer was rubbing
his forehead and looked a little dazed. Newman walked up to Elaine, moving
quite gracefully despite his bulk, and kissed her hand gallantly. Then he
stood in front of Jerry and gave him a long look up and down.

"Hello, Jerry," he sneered.

"Hello, Newman." Jerry tried to sound confident and superior, but he felt
himself wilting under Newman's gaze.

"What's the matter, Jerry, you look a little uncomfortable," said Newman with
a smirk.

Newman glanced briefly down at Jerry's midsection and snickered. "Oh, I have
you at a disadvantage all right."

Kramer suddenly noticed that George and Jerry were naked. "You didn't start
without us, did you?"

"Not all," said Jerry.

"Come on, Kramer and Newman," said Elaine, doing another twirl. "All the guys
have to take it off, and then we can get started."

"Giddyup," said Kramer eagerly, and he put down the duffel bag he was
carrying. He tore off his polyester sport shirt, sending a button bouncing
across the floor, kicked off his shoes, and dropped his pants, leaving
himself completely nude.

"Now that's what I call following orders," said Elaine appreciatively.

Newman had gone into the bedroom to undress. Now he walked out, also naked,
with a little smile on his face. His smile was the only little thing about
him. His wide chest and big belly made him appear twice the size of any of
the other men in the room. But what really caught ones eye was his immense
tool, which hung down to his knees and was as thick as a mans forearm. The
overall impression he gave was of a bull elephant.

"What can I say, Newman," said Elaine, sounding a little out of breath. "I
don't know where I'm going to find the room for that."

"I'm sure we can squeeze it in somewhere," he said.

The other three men were trying desperately not to look at the portly postal
worker. Jerry decided to try to change the subject.

"Hey Kramer - what's in the duffel bag, party boy?"

"Equipment, Jerry."

"Ooh, toys," said Elaine, perking up. "Lets see."

Kramer unzipped the duffel bag, rooted around, and then pulled out a large,
black dildo.

Jerry shook his head in wonderment. "A dildo, Kramer? We have four guys and
one woman - what on earth do we need a dildo for?"

"He's got a point, Kramer," laughed Elaine. "Lets see what else you have in
there."

"Right," said Kramer, unfazed. He reached in again and pulled out a big
plastic squeeze bottle. "How about some massage oil?"

"That's more like it." She took the bottle and pointed it playfully at Jerry.
A jet of oil arced past the comedian and splattered onto his couch.

"My couch! Don't mess up my couch!"

Elaine started laughing hysterically. Ignoring Jerry's attempts to protect
his couch, she began squirting oil at all of them and then rubbing it in. A
few minutes later, Jerry, George, and Kramer were all coated from head to
toe with a glistening coat of oil. Newman seemed content to stand aside and
watch.

"What's that scent?" inquired George during a break in the action. He had
been very quiet since Newman had arrived, but he seemed to have regained his
courage.

"Passion fruit," replied Kramer.

Jerry made a face. "This apartment is going to smell like passion fruit for
months.

Elaine giggled. "You make that sound like a bad thing."

"All right, Miss Benes," said Jerry. "We are all naked, completely covered
with oil, and sporting firm erections of various sizes and shapes. I think
it's time for you to lose that teddy."

"I guess you're right," she said.

Elaine's cheeks were flushed, her chest was heaving with the exertion of
spreading oil on three squirming men, and her eyes were sparkling. To put it
succinctly, she looked extremely hot. After handing the bottle of oil to
George, she closed her eyes and raised her arms over her head.

"All right, men. You may do with me as you wish."

They pulled her teddy up over her head and off, and slid her black thong
panties down her legs to the floor. Massage oil was squirted all over her
body in generous amounts, and then Elaine felt the delicious sensation of
six large, male hands stroking every slippery square inch of her anatomy.

She opened her eyes for a moment to see who was doing what. George was
standing in front of her, kneading her breasts with both hands. Kramer was
on his knees, running his hands up and down her legs. Jerry was behind her,
massaging her back from her shoulders down to her ass.

"Mmmmm," she said. "That feels wonderful, guys."

She closed her eyes again and concentrated on enjoying the administrations
of her three friends. She imagined that this was what a car would feel like
going through one of those deluxe hand washes where the attendants swarm all
over it with their hoses, sponges, and soft rags. She became hornier and
hornier, and it was a relief when Jerry finally slid his hand down between
her slippery ass cheeks and fingered her pussy from behind.

"Oh, God," she moaned.

"We certainly won't be needing any more oil down here," said Jerry, as
he a slipped a finger into her, and then added a second and a third. He
finger-fucked her expertly, and then Kramer started rubbing her pussy from
the front.

Elaine's eyes snapped open. She couldn't wait any longer.

"Enough foreplay!" she barked. "Lets get to the main event. Kramer, lie down
right there on your back." She pointed to the open space behind the couch.

Kramer complied quickly, stumbling over his duffel bag and almost falling
down. The floor was extremely slippery from all the oil.

Elaine saw with satisfaction that Kramer's cock was fully erect and pointing
up at the ceiling. She stood over him for a few seconds with her legs
straddling his chest, savoring the moment, and then she lowered herself onto
his waiting love muscle, which slid smoothly into her fully lubricated quim.

"Oh, Baby!!" shouted Kramer.

He started wildly thrusting up into her, and Elaine felt like she was in a
rodeo.

"Take it easy, Kramer! If you buck me off I'm not getting back on." Kramer
was giving her a hell of a ride, but he was making it impossible for anyone
else to join in. Besides, she suspected that at this rate he would be
finished in about ten seconds.

"Sorry," said Kramer, and he managed to calm it down considerably.

"OK, George, you're next," said Elaine. She leaned forward and supported
herself by putting her hands on Kramer's shoulders. Behind her, she could
feel George awkwardly shuffling into position.

"OW!" said Kramer as George accidentally kneed him in the balls.

"Sorry."

Finally, Elaine felt the tip of George's cock pressing on her anus. She
pushed her rear end back towards him, and his modest tool was soon buried
to the hilt in her ass. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the new sensation
of having both holes filled at once. Then she felt something warm pressing
on her lips, and she opened her mouth to let Jerry's cock fill up her last
available orifice.

The apartment was soon filled with moans, sighs, and cries of pleasure, as
the tangled mass of human flesh pulsed, shook, and moved this way and that.

Out of the corner of her eye, Elaine noticed Newman standing to one side
and nonchalantly stroking his magnificent man meat, which was sticking
straight out in front of him like a tree branch. She thought it looked
sturdy enough to hang his mail bag from.

Newman didn't look at all put out at being left out of the festivities; in
fact, he still had a hint of a smirk on his face. Elaine was suddenly
obsessed with the idea of trying to get that giant cock into her mouth. It
was the challenge of it that appealed to her: it would be like trying to
climb Mount Everest or swim the English Channel.

She focused her attention on sucking Jerry's cock, trying to make him come.
She was quite skilled at this particular activity, and since she was Jerry's
former girlfriend, she naturally knew just what worked best on him.

Before long, Jerry was moaning and grunting with pleasure. As he felt the
orgasm starting to build in his loins, he happened to look over at Newman.
His nemesis was looking back at him with a mocking smile on his face, and
with a flash of insight the comedian realized what was happening.

Desperately, he tried to back away from the brink, but it was too late.
"Newman," he thought to himself with disgust as he spurted his semen into
the back of Elaine's throat.

"Amateur," said Newman softly to Jerry as he sidled over to take his place.
"Step aside and let a real man take over." Jerry was too dispirited to reply.

Now Elaine was facing her greatest challenge face to face. She gamely opened
her mouth as wide as it would go, and was just barely able to encircle her
lips around the head of the beast. Inch by inch, Newman's cock began to
disappear into her mouth like a sluggish python returning to its den.

By opening her throat and fighting the urge to gag, she finally managed to
get it about halfway into her mouth. Her jaw ached from being opened so wide;
she felt like a pig being roasted on a spit. Newman then began sliding it in
and out, causing Elaine to make muffled gagging sounds. Her eyes bulged out
of her head, and saliva ran down her chin and made a puddle on the floor. She
was having the time of her life.

For some reason, the sight of Elaine choking on Newman's giant cock was an
incredible turn-on for both George and Kramer, and they began fucking harder
and faster. This had a synergistic effect: since their cocks were only
separated by a thin membrane, each one was effectively stimulating the other
with his own cock. Soon they were both thrusting furiously.

Of course, this was also providing a huge amount of stimulation to Elaine.
She let Newman's cock slide back out of her mouth, and concentrated on
fucking Kramer and George.

After a few more seconds of exponential buildup, George, Kramer, and Elaine
had simultaneous, explosive orgasms. The three of them collapsed in a
tangled, sweaty heap on the floor.

As she caught her breath, Elaine saw Newman standing over her, his cock still
ominously firm. She knew she would never be able to do it justice with her
mouth.

"OK, Newman," she said, spreading her legs. "Try not to damage any internal
organs."

Newman wordlessly kneeled between her legs, and slowly lay forward and
pressed the head of the monster against the opening to Elaine's pussy. Elaine
felt a moment of pain as her love channel was spread wider than ever before,
and then she moaned in ecstasy as it began sliding into her, deeper than
seemed humanly possible. She was surprised that is went in so smoothly, then
she realised that she was full of Kramers slippery cum, not to mention her
own womanly secreation.

Newman began fucking her with long, smooth strokes of his magnificent
manhood, giving Elaine another orgasm and a another, then another. Finally,
he let out a guttural groan and clenched his teeth; clearly he was close to
coming.

Elaine prepared herself to be tossed around like a rag doll by the force of
Newman's orgasm, but at the last second Newman pulled out and stroked himself
to climax over Elaine's stomach. Thick ropes of semen sprayed out of his
cock, jumping into the air for a foot or more, coating Elaine's stomach,
breasts, and face. A few spurts of sprack even sailed as far as the couch,
where they landed with a sodden thud.

Elaine wiped the semen out of her eyes and looked around. Kramer and Newman
looked quite satisfied, but she sensed that George and Jerry felt a bit
upstaged by Newman. She felt a sudden rush of warmth and sympathy for them -
they were terrific friends, despite their quirks.

"You were all wonderful," she said, looking at George and Jerry in
particular. "We should do this again real soon."

"Really?" asked George, hopefully. "You aren't just saying that?"

"Of course not," said Elaine with a contented smile. "You guys are all superb
cocksmen."

The End

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