Tag Archives | eschatology

Years later, the survivors discovered the Bozo Virus got its start at Escola de Clown de Girona, near the end its semester.

The “Esclowna” was a kind of university/prep school for the international clowning set. The buffoons-in-training lived in common dorm rooms, and shared everything, so the virus spread easily within the school. There it incubated. (The school was at least 30 kilometers from the nearest village in Spain.)

They developed flu-like symptoms, and then recovered, but of course, everyone at the school was a clown, or a clown-in-training, already. So the worst of the symptoms went unnoticed, until after they matriculated. When the school year was over, the faculty, staff and students went to their respective home countries, throughout the world, and began to perform as clowns: at birthday parties, in old folks homes, in circuses, at rodeos, and on the street.

At first the virus was spread by contact. Then it mutated and became airborn. By the time authorities realized they had a pandemic on their hands, the virus had mutated again: you could catch it by even seeing a clown. By then it was too late. Only the most extreme coulrophobes and the naturally immune were spared the ravages of the disease: first flu-like, then the outbreaks of Red Nose, Sad Face, Happy Face, and of course, the grotesque, frizzy, multi-colored Goofy Hair.

The economy ground to a halt because of employee absences as the victims of the Bozo Virus spent their days making balloon animals, pulling down one another’s pants, and stuffing too many of themselves into small vehicles. (Many of these victims suffocated, instead of suffering the fate of the rest.)

The infection rate was 99 percent, and except for a few cases where it was possible to restrain the victim, lethal. The Bozo Virus was a cruel task-master. The infected could think of nothing else but clowning. Every moment they were conscious, they spent coming up with routines, acts, and “bits”. They didn’t eat. They didn’t drink. They only slept when their bodies ran out of energy. Eventually, they succumbed to the diesease, and no amount of horn honking could rouse them.

How will Twitter end the world? There are six competing theories. Perhaps one day religious scholars, apocalypse researchers and other gloomy intellectuals may agree which of these theories is correct, or maybe some genius will provide a Unified End Theory of Twitter. Until that happy day, we will have to simply forearm ourselves with knowledge of these theories, and grimly soldier on.

6:The Twitterpocalypse

This is a re-imagining of the popular (and much-hoped for) Christian End of Days. In this cosmological terminal point, the Son of God will return to our planet and use Twitter to inform us of who has been naughty and who has been nice. Anyone who retweets Christ will be saved, and naturally, he expects you to follow him back too. Failure to do so will prevent you from enjoying the Rapture, which means you’ll have to endure the painful Un-Twittering process. (Known in other Christian eschatology as the Tribulation.)

5: Big Twitter Is Following You

This theory posits a dystopian world-government ruled by a troika of control-freaks using Twitter to watch our every move and control our very thoughts. I don’t personally believe this end theory for one moment, but it is presented here in the interests of accuracy. These theorists may be thinking of Facebook, not Twitter.

4:The Tweetularity

Twitter will eventually become so overrun with bots following one another that human communication will be rendered impossible. Some even posit that these bots will consume all of the Earth’s resources so they can inform one another of viagra and cialis sales. Humans will be rendered obsolete, except as a kind of biological battery and sex drug storage device.

3: Tweetlander

There can be only one! Each Twitter user has the potential to become not only immortal, but omniscient as well. The only catch? You have to cut off the heads of every other Twitter user. So clearly, the number of followers you have doesn’t really matter, and in fact, may be kind of awkward. On the plus side, “unfollowing” could be a bit more satisfying.

2: Peak Twitter

A terrifying prospect — exponentially rising populations, global warming, water shortages, and growing costs of fossil fuels will not only cause massive food shortages, but Twitter servers will not be able to handle the traffic associated with the crisis. Imagine a year of the Fail Whale. (And no cheeseburgers, or any other kind of sustenance.)

1: Tweetnarök

This esoteric theory suggests Twitter will bring about the end of the world in a series of battles and disasters, all set to Wagner. The celebrities with the most followers will face off in a final battle to decide who will be our champion, and try to save the world. For some reason, the danger comes in the form of a world-eating snake. Unless Stephen Fry wins, I suspect this is the end for us all.