Hello Journal. :)

Hello Journal, you and I are going to become very good friends as I write in you. Here is my story before I get into too deep and start writing in circles, that way you know what’s going on as I write haha. Before anybody reads too far into anything, there could be triggers, so WARNING THERE ARE TRIGGERS…

First off my name is Caitlyn, I am a sexual abuse survivor that started at the age of 13 and ended at the age of 17, ended at 18 with going to court against him, I’m also a child of a mother who abandoned her for drugs at the age of 19, and i’m a first time mommy to a 4 month old sweet baby boy :).

The abuse left a huge impact on my life. I became a very depressed girl, before the abuse I was a girl everyone wanted to be, I was the girl everyone looked up to. I had almost straight As, I never went below a C. Honestly? That letter grade C was an F to me. I had a 4.0 every once and a while, and when I didn’t I was pretty darn close. I never even missed a day of school, I only did if I had a doctor appointment or throwing up my guts haha. As soon as the abuse started happening that all changed, I started missing school, getting Fs, my GPA went very low. It was to the point I almost didn’t graduate high school on time. I even would cut myself to get some kind of new pain so I could ignore the fact that my father was using me to have sex with and I couldn’t do anything about it or win the battle. And when I would win, it would just be for a few months and then he would come back, and in those months that he was gone or I was, I would learn the medications that I could take that would only make me extremely sick, throwing up, ears ringing, and would even make me very sleepy. So I would take a shit ton of pills so I wouldn’t have to go to school for at least 2 days at a time. While those 2 days off would happen I would cut like crazy. At that time it felt so good, the pain of my father would go away and I could relax. Sometimes. I put my body through so much pain. I had to deal with all that pain, what a stupid girl I was hahaha. Thinking I could hurt myself to fix the hurt that someone else was putting on me, such a wrong idea. haha. I quickly learned that all that stuff shouldn’t of happened, I shouldn’t of done any of that stuff to myself.

As all this would go on my mother ended up using drugs again, and finally when I was 19 it got so much worse. She would talk about killing herself, and one day she attempted to. I remember that night like it happened yesterday. I remember hearing her boyfriend breaking down his garage door to get to her before she could do it. I was on the phone calling the cops and she acted like she did nothing. She was making a cup of tea and acted like we were crazy. So she obviously didn’t get help that night. Weeks after that, the next day after Christmas we found out that she was using. Him and I told nobody trying to get her to get help before my father found out because she was trying to get my father to not take her to court for custody for my little brother. So we tried getting her straight ourselves, she wouldn’t get the help. We couldn’t do a thing. Weeks later it seemed to get a little better, she started detoxing. She became clean for a couple of weeks. We took her keys and her phone. She had nothing. But we had to give her the phone back so she can call to get help. Such a wrong idea. Around this time I got a boyfriend and I became pregnant, so I got excited and started to think, “I’m her baby, her first born. I’m pregnant, maybe this will help her push with being clean.” I was wrong. That was the last and first day of her being supportive and happy for me. Weeks after that I got a call from my mother’s friend saying she ended up on her porch and she tried mixing drugs to kill herself, and that’s when it got bad. I saw her and she was alright, after that she started trying to get better and moved in with my best friend and her mother. I was excited, but I shouldn’t of been. Her staying clean didn’t last long. I saw her on mother’s day, I was surprising her. She wanted nothing to do with me. She just kept telling me that she was about to leave, over and over again. That was the last time I truly ever spoke to her and saw her.

The exciting part, I am now a mother of a 4 month old baby boy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is for sure making my life better. He will never understand how much he means to me, neither will my future kids. God knew exactly what I needed in my life to keep me on the right track and to keep me going. He helped make my son healthy and amazing. Even though he was born 3 weeks early and had to be in the hospital for 3 weeks, God gave me that battle for me. He didn’t do it to teach me a lesson, he did it to show me what truly matters for here on out, he gave me someone to love unconditionally for the rest of my life. He gave me the biggest distraction that I need, but God still throws things at me to keep me on my toes. And for all this I am very thankful.

There is my story. Now the next entries will be just whatever is going on in my head. I will just be venting and opening up for here on out to make myself better for my son and future children. This is for my babies. I am just keeping myself on the right path. I started with antidepressants, and now I am writing to keep myself on the right track. I am very proud of myself and nobody could ever take that away from me. 🙂 <3