So You Want to Take a Nap

From manipulating their fears to chemically assaulting them, here’s how you finally get some alone time.

By Olivia W. McCoy, University of Georgia

So you want the dorm room to yourself for once, huh?

Sometimes such a simple desire seems can seem exceedingly difficult, especially considering that your bunkmate happens to be a recluse. So what are you going to do? You can’t just think up and perpetrate some dastardly ridiculous web of lies to get rid of them for an hour or two, right? You can’t do that, right?

And even if you could, just where might you be getting these cleverly disguised fabrications and falsifications? You’re too sweet and kind to think them up yourself, so I’m assuming you’re going to need some help.

Oh me? Are you sure? You want me to help?

Well then, I thought you’d never ask.

Following this statement are some of the best half-truths, the most intelligent exaggerations, the more creative deceits and the most heinous fictions, falsities, and fibs around (in ascending of course), and today I’m going to share them with you.

1. The Fire Alarm

This ruse requires that you know their schedule, but if you’ve been living with them for more than half a day then I’m sure you’re capable of finding it out.

Just as your hermit is leaving class, be sure to send them a text somewhere along the lines of: “Ugh, some idiot burnt their popcorn again and now we’re standing outside waiting for the all clear #learnhowtouseadamnmicrowave #doesitlooklikeit’sgoingtorain?”

Because your roommate won’t want to deal with the crowds of similarly peeved underclassmen crowded around the building accusing one another for having been the culprit for the sirens, they’ll most likely just hide out in the library for a while until it calms down.

And even if they don’t fall for it, your excuse can be that the fire department made record-breaking time or that your phone sent the text late.

2. Bugs Are Your New Best Friend

This maneuver works best when your roommate is terrified of insects. Casually walk into your shared shoebox of a dorm and start a nonsuspicious activity, such as turning on Netflix or sitting on your phone.

*Side Note: Opening a textbook to start your homework is highly suspect unless you actually do yours before the last moment. If that’s the case then I applaud you for having escaped the beautiful monstrosity that is procrastination.

Casually mention to them, “So, did you get that email about how they’re spraying for bugs on Tuesday?”

This should get their attention. Follow it up with a relaxed “Yeah, apparently the floor right beneath us is having some serious issues with house centipedes.”

*Side Note #2: The type of bug is less important than you’re convincing them that there is a bug problem at all, but I recommend house centipedes because HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE THINGS?! Those are the devil’s pets crawled up from hell to devour our souls in short bursts of unadulterated fear.

As the fear grows in their eyes and the sweat begins to dribble down their temple, offhandedly add, “Those things are creepy. Too bad they have to wait until Tuesday to get rid of them, but I’m glad we don’t have that problem right?”

At the peak of their terror, surreptitiously glance over at their feet and point exclaiming “Oh hey! Watch out! Geez! You don’t want THAT crawling up your pant leg!”

I guarantee that they will be out of their in two seconds flat. You can adjust the time frame for the made-up bug bomb to fit your solitary needs.

3. Glam It Up

Girls, this one’s for you. It will require two tons of the most noxious body spray you can find, a curling iron, a full can of hairspray, a gas mask and an extremely pungent body butter lotion. While you’re at it, why not get the good stuff? Might as well pamper yourself with your ploy.

As they’re walking in the door begin spritzing that glitter spray like there is no tomorrow. Be sure to cover EVERY inch of your body. Then, begin with the hair, curl a piece and immediately saturate that baby until it crinkles at the touch. Repeat.

Be sure that you’re close enough to the door when you do this so that she’s greeted with an overwhelming cloud of toxic smells upon entering. Smile and explain that you’re just pampering yourself. Don’t try to oversell it by mentioning a date or activity you’re preparing for, because then they’re likely to wait for you to leave.

Once your hair is set and you’re glittering like one of those vampires everyone’s been talking about, grin maliciously and open the lotion.

The combination of unmasked chemicals is the ultimate deterrent. They’ll be sure to run off choking and sputtering and when they leave, take a shower and then relax in your empty room with the gas mask firmly secured around your head. Better safe than sorry.

*Side Note #3: This can also work the other way around. Take advantage of that free gym and sweat your toxins out—just make sure to keep them in a small sealed container to unleash them in your room. Then order a pizza with garlic, onions and anchovies. It may not be as appetizing as the peach fuzz flavored lip-gloss but hey, it’ll work just the same.

4. The Last Resort

Now listen up and listen close. This is only if all other tactics fail. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT try this unless completely necessary. I mean, you better be dying on the ground in desperation for some alone time if you need to rely on this.

It’s unbelievably detrimental to your pride and self-image. You’ll risk a lot with this scheme, and it is not for the weak of heart.

When all else fails and you find your roommate eating your onion anchovy pizza with a side of burnt popcorn while petting your new centipede pet, you may proceed with caution.

Begin by apologizing and explaining the circumstances of your desperation. Then, ever so pathetically, ask to have the room alone for a bit.

I know, it’s dangerous, but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, am I right? And they’ll most likely give in, I mean, you did supply them with a dinner of sorts.