Intangible. Untouchable. All things to some People. And a laughable concept to everyone else…

‘Congrats’ Seems To Be The Hardest Word

What a lively few days it has been in Scottish football! I am sure the fallout from the Scottish Cup final has some way to run, but for now I have four things to say.

Firstly, MANY congratulations to Hibs on finally winning the Scottish Cup (and in such style) after an arduous season and after enduring 114 years of taunts from absolutely everyone.

Secondly, a big cheer for the unsung hero of Hibs’ Cup triumph: Alan Stubbs’ always-immaculate hair. I hear Baron Bouffant is still raging in the Blue Room about being outdone and failing to qualify for the European Male Grooming Championships next season. Nae luck Paul!

Thirdly, the scenes at the end of the match (and the singing and pyro during it) were a disgrace and I hope that investigations conducted ‘without fear or favour’ get to the bottom of what happened (and why), and hold individuals and organisations to account following due process.

And finally, word has reached Clumpany Towers that noted football fan Elton John is not impressed with Sevco’s continuing failure to publicly congratulate their Cup conquerors. Not least because he is Honorary Life President of Watford FC, where a certain Warbmeister used to work… Apparently Elton intends to re-record one of his biggest hits to express his displeasure, and I have seen a draft of the new lyrics:

‘Congrats’ Seems To Be The Hardest Word

“What have Hibs got to do to get cheers for Stokesey?

What have Hibs got to do after many years?

What do Hibs get when Wesley ships three?

And they celebrate to find that you don’t care?

*****

What does Stubbs do to get your credit?

What sort of praise for Gray can be heard?

What grace is seen when the Cup’s all over?

‘Congrats’ seems to be the hardest word.

*****

No class, no class.

It’s a classless situation.

And it’s getting more and more absurd.

No class, no class.

Why can’t Warbs toast their triumph?

Oh it seems, Hibees.

That ‘congrats’ seems to be the hardest word.

*****

[*Instrumental break and moon-howling Sevco statement*]

*****

No class, no class.

It’s a classless situation.

And it’s getting more and more absurd.

No class, no class.

Why can’t Warbs toast their triumph?

Oh it seems, Hibees.

That ‘congrats’ seems to be the hardest word.*****

What have Hibs got to do to get cheers for Stokesey?

What sort of praise for Gray can be heard?

What do Hibs get when Wesley ships three?

What have they got to do?

When Sevco has got no clue?

When ‘congrats’ seems to be the hardest word.”

With profound apologies to Reg Dwight, here is the ‘glorious’ original…