random traffic jam thoughts

So there I am, at 5:40pm, stuck on 1 (Mo-Pac) with all the other people in Rush Hour – laughing my butt off. I’m surrounded by people technically more `blessed’ than I am, as they all have J-O-B’s that they’re getting to come home from. There they are, all dressed up stuffy…looking exhausted, overwhelmed and just unhappy to be there, anywhere, in general. I’ve spent my afternoon at Pedernales Falls, and here I am in the midst of them wearing shorts and a bikini top (I don’t even have a shirt on), slightly sunburnt, grooving my head to the Lucksmiths and laughing my butt off because I think it’s hilarious that I managed to time my return right up for Rush Hour (d’oh! LOL). They all look much less…amused…to be stuck there with me. I may be less blessed but at least I had a nice day. =’)

So in this traffic jam I oddly found myself thinking back… to Christopher Smith, when I was 15. I had the hugest crush on him. He was gorgeous! I wish I had a picture to share. Blonde and cute as can be. I was 15 going on 16 and he was almost 17 I think. My older sister introduced us, she worked with him. Chris & I became friends…he’d show up when I got out of school and hang out. He was a skater guy – this was in the mid-80’s when the arcade game “Skate or DIE!” got big (title still cracks me up – I was always teasing him about the over-dramatics of it, heh heh). Lincoln, where we were, is a very hilly place…those small annoying hills (when you’re driving) because you’re constantly using lots of gas to go UP hill but never quite get enough momentum coming back down. But Chris would actually take me places _on his skateboard_. I couldn’t skate…no no, not really my thing. But always thought it was cool that he was willing to not only haul his own mass but my added 104Ibs (at the time) up those hills. And coming down them, two people on a skateboard – I’d swear we’d hit 50mph and I’d be scared but Chris somehow totally in control…me holding onto him tight, him holding onto me and completely in control. He was always coming over, hanging out. He at one point decided he wanted to learn to play electric guitar so he’d bring that over, too (and even taught me a few lines of a song on it). I remember he had a tat on his upper arm that said “FTW” and that’s the first time I heard the phrase “Fuck The World” – I used to give him a hard time about his angty…because really, he was sweet and kind and very giving and not at all `goth’. He was gorgeous and I had the biggest crush. But he was much, much too good looking to be interested in average-me. And I was so shy.

A couple years passed and we’re not really hanging around anymore, our lives have moved on, but the city is small and we still bump into each other, know of each other. I had become friends with a woman named Veronica and we hung out for awhile, but then kinda faded out and awhile later…I’m 17 now, I hear Chris is going out with Veroni and actually *got her pregnant*. I’m stunned. He’s just not *that* guy. But there’s a party and I decide to go to it and there’s Chris and there’s a moment when he & I are alone in her kitchen. We talk. Chris got her pregnant because it’s what she wanted (I knew her well enough to know that’s true) even though she wouldn’t marry him. He’s trying to be the “good boyfriend” he’s supposed to be but I can tell he’s miserable, doesn’t really love her, she definetely doesn’t really love him (as he & I are talking I can hear her in the other room flirting with some guy), and basically they’re headed for a break. Then he says it: “You know, I had the *biggest* crush on you when we first met…when you were 15. That’s why I was always coming over, but I guess you didn’t like me that way. That’s how it goes.”.

I am stunned speechless. My jaw actually drops. I felt so bad! I was like “CHRIS! I had the Biggest crush on you!!” We stare at each other, helpless and wondering. Then reality sets back in…about 2 years have passed and he’s a daddy now with a woman who talked him into it (she could be very manipulative, truth be told…which is one reason I had distanced myself from her – drama!), and he’s trying to make that work. And I’ve moved on. But…wow.

I’ve rarely been stunned (me? speechless? doesn’t happen much LOL) as I was that night in life. To think that we both had crushes on each other at the same time… and we were both too shy to do anything about it. Too insecure. He was so HOT! Yes, blonde hair, beautiful green eyes (which I’m a sucker for anyway) and just as sweet and easy going as could be. Great guy. Missed. whoops. And here I am strangely thinking back to the shock of that moment…in rush hour….half a lifetime away. LOL Life is odd.

(edited) And later….at Gold’s….in the pool…my top came undone. Oi ! I don’t think anyone saw and got a show, but it turns out tying a bikini top underwater is trickier than I’d suspected. The strings are all wanting to float off in some random direction while you’re trying to get them to agree to go where you want…ugh. Took me a moment and I felt stupid standing there fighting with it in the pool LOL. But no one else was in the pool (just one guy over in the hot tub area) at the time. Granted, the pool room is all window on one side (the side I’m on) with the general gym area just outside it and PLENTY of people working out (as it’s evening) so sure, could be someone got a brief show. Ah, well. lol

I did make one half-lap this time… I’m so totally, embarressingly out of shape that yesterday I found I could only swim 1/3rd the pool lane length before being completely out of breath and having to stop to catch it. So I did 2 full laps…taken in 3rds LOL. And was super sore and tired (and embarressed) at the end. Today I was determined to go back…it won’t get better unless I just do it… and actually made it halfway cross the lane each time before being completely out of breath. No, not swimming underwater – just swimming in general!

I have no air capacity – partly due to sinuses…I was *supposed* to get a nasal surgury a couple of years ago (2005? 2006?) but couldn’t afford it (have never been able to afford it) and thus, can’t breath. They’ve gotten worse, which is something in itself, since they were bad enough at the time that the ENT surgeon was going to walk me straight over to the surgery room that day without even discussing it (doh). But…I live on. And I’m also, on top of that, just seriously out of shape! So I’m on it…working on it… determined to bare my embarressment each time and just go back for more. I’ve never been too much a wuss about muscles sore, I can still do it (though I am cautious and responsible in my exercising…don’t want to damage tissue).

Also to note – both yesterday and tonight I heard Kelly Clarkson’s new “My Life Would Suck Without You” song played at the gym…so…kudos to you Kelly, good job. Would suck to be her at the gym, actually, and having to hear yourself played over the loudspeakers…but I imagine she’s got a personal gym or some diva such thing millionaires like her have.