Prince William and Kate Middleton rub shoulders with normals. Katie Holmes barks like a dog. Samantha Ronson's mugshot is everything you hoped for. Paris Hilton and Brittny Gastineau have a party-off. Wednesday gossip keeps its toiletries in 3-oz. containers.

Prince William and Kate Middleton flew back from royal cousin Zara Phillips' Scottish wedding on budget airline Flybe, which doesn't even have a first class section, so they were right there, among the poors. I wonder if Kate Middleton uses a neck pillow, and if so, does it make her drool? The ticket was $27, and Wills paid an extra $16 to check his bag. Kate paid an extra $5 to remove the pea that was under her flotation device cushion. Meanwhile, "a hungover Prince Harry chose EasyJet," and Queen Elizabeth was last seen muttering "go go gadget" as helicopter blades sprung from her sternum. [Daily Mail, image via Getty]

Samantha Ronson's 10AM DUI mugshot is exactly what you thought a 10AM Samantha Ronson DUI mugshot would be like. Her friends are "not surprised" by the arrest. [People, TMZ, image via Getty]

Gather round, ye weary travelers, and hear the tale of the Battling Malibu Beach House Parties of Paris Hilton and Brittny Gastineau. Apparently Brittny had been planning her party for weeks, and then Paris "just decided to throw a barbecue" to "show her up." Paris' guests were better (LiLostayed until 4AM) and at least one of her guests (Brandon 'Seven-Foot Clitoris' Davis) went on to crash Brittny's shindig, only to get kicked out. [Gatecrasher]

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, as soon as she recovered from partying at Paris', she threw on a romper and partied until 1AM at Chateau Marmont, where she "looked wobbly" and fell repeatedly. Of course, her publicist denies it: "As usual, a pack of lies from people with nothing better to do with their lives than make up stories about a famous person." It's not that they have nothing better to do. It's that entire industries depend on these people, and in troubled economic times like these, no one really can afford to take the high road. Making up stories about famous people is the better thing, relatively, because if tabloid reporters and bloggers weren't doing this, we'd either be panhandling at Venice Beach, or organizing a violent Marxist rebellion, and we know you don't want that. [P6]