Tuesday, January 4

Put your children in harm's way.

The 'Thudguard' protective safety hat will cushion a child's head against bumps, bruising and laceration, whilst developing and exploring newfound mobility. Between the ages 7 to 20 months the fontanelle, temples and back of head are particularly vulnerable when an infant is learning to walk. It also protects adventurous toddlers up to the age of 3 years old who are already walking but who may benefit from extra safety in play parks and other environments. Falling over is part of growing up but the 'Thudguard' can reduce the severity of these injuries. Toddlers will confidently learn to walk, run and play in safety.

No they won't. They'll learn that falling over is safe and painless and therefore they won't learn not to do it, hence putting them in greater danger for, quite possibly, the rest of their lives. We experience pain for a reason. Why don't you find some way of disabling the little dears' taste buds while you're at it, so that they don't notice how bad bleach tastes?

I really pity these poor kids. Until now, children actually had a chance of concealing their parents' zealous overprotectiveness. Now, they will be forced to wear headgear that proclaims it for all to see.

Depressingly, this silly hat earned its "inventor", Kelly Forsyth-Gibson, a place as a finalist in the British Female Inventor of the Year Awards. How crap is that? Even if the hat were a good idea, it'd still not be much of an invention: all she's done is take a couple of bike helmets and tell some kids to wear them while not riding bikes. Hey, look! I've invented a revolutionary new driving shoe. It's basically a running shoe, but you wear it while driving. Can I have a patent, please? Apparently, Ms Forsyth-Gibson

is working with designers and technical experts at the moment to finalise specifications and to provide a quantity of hats for testing.

Bollocks. They're bike helmets with fluffy ears stuck on them. What's a technical expert going to tell her? "Well, these are only designed to protect the skull in the event of a 20mph collision with a car windscreen, so we'll need further testing to see how they'll hold up in the event of the user tripping over while running around in circles and singing." "The fluffy ears, while attractive to toddlers, could be snagged on passing lorries." "Your kids look like twats."

Was it a really bad year for female inventors that this crap made the shortlist?