Even when serving as Northern Ireland Secretary, Owen Paterson was plotting to be the standard bearer of the right. Inviting MPs over for weekends at his official residence, he would sound out potential allies. Since being sacked he has hosted a number of increasingly pompous keynote speeches on right-wing catnip subjects, such as the global warming and tax cuts. Today he’s banging on about Europe. Reportedly only two MPs have turned up to listen.

As you can see, they were in for a Monday morning treat:

I. INTRODUCTORY REMARKS

II. HISTORY OF THE EU – A political project from conception, masquerading as an economic project

III. MOTIVATION FOR A FULL POLITICAL UNION EXPOSED Contemporary Examples

IV. LOSING INFLUENCE IN THE EU

V. LOSING INFLUENCE ON THE WORLD STAGE: 1/28TH OF A CHAIR OR A WHOLE CHAIR AT ‘TOP TABLES’

VI. BOTH A SINGLE MARKET AND GLOBAL TRADE a) a single market b) global trade c) immigration

VII. AN OPTIMISTIC, POSITIVE VISION – THE UK AFTER THE EU

VIII. AN ORDERLY EXIT – INVOKING ARTICLE 50

Paterson was clearly calculating that the Tories would be up the creek this week, post Rochester. Instead they are strangely united, watching Ed drive off a cliff in quiet amusement. It’s safe to say O-patz has not had much luck in his campaign so far, and people are hardly flocking to his banner. For good measure, his speech clashed with one by Theresa May. Someone who actually has a chance of being the next Tory leader…