Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Dear Bad-Day Fairy,

You are doing an excellent job! I really appreciate the great lengths you have gone to so that I am assured an unforgettable experience. Your performance is stellar! Do you remember the day I brought a container of yogurt to work, and you reminded me to bring a fork to eat it with? Priceless. Sometimes, it's uncanny what you help me remember to do. Let's not forget the morning I walked out of the bedroom in my only remaining pair of clean socks and stepped into the gooshy wet spot on the carpet. How did you know that I forgot to put on cologne that day? You are doing a great job and I think you deserve a raise for all the overtime you have put in around my household lately.

Despite all this fabulousness, Mr. Fairy, remember what they say: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Now don't get me wrong, I like you, I really do. Every day with you presents new challenges and by making it over the hurdles (sometimes barreling right through them) I am rewarded with such a feeling of "why me?" that can't be found anywhere else. However, I find that I must terminate our contract for services effective immediately. I have noted that you have been spreading your influence to other members of my family, and frankly, Mr. Fairy, that was not part of the deal.

Incident after incident has happened and the evidence is irrefutable that you are working for other people despite the non-compete agreement. I wondered what was going on when Firstborn tackled Youngest's bed. I mean, we didn't want it to get away, right? Well, after we removed all the wooden shards from her room, I got to thinking about it. Who exactly talked Firstborn into doing this? Firstborn claims that he doesn't know why it happened, but getting your stooges to lie for you only works if they are good liars. I've been around you long enough to know your handiwork when I see it Mr. Fairy.

The dog poop in my chair last night was such a sweet gesture. You must have realized how annoyed I was getting at your flagrant disrespect of our agreement. Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr. Fairy, but only if it's the right kind of flattery. Though they may look like tootsie rolls, dog turds are not chocolatey delicious and without regard to flavor, know this: I very much prefer thin mints.

I know I've been difficult to work with sometimes, being all cheerful and such... but a contract is a contract and you have broken your end of it. I fear that we must part ways. In short, Mr. Fairy, you are fired.