The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121 AD - 180 AD), ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful..."

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, occifer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, occifer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, occifer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, occifer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. I can hear better now than I ever could."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.

I normally don't like to use the F word when I'm working on Saturday, but what the heck.

IT'S FRIDAYYYYYY!!

I'm happy for everyone who isn't working.

no

L

O

L...

It puts me one day closer to Sunday when it will indeed be sunny, and I will be off & trying to avoid being out in it for 1 fleeting day off.

I used another F word.

If I keep using the F words I'll have to change the name of this place to The Dirty Diner.

Have a happy day everyone.

Edit;

Oops, yeah it's still me........joe

Edited by gymcandy1 (07/11/1311:17 PM)

_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

I am glad you are getting closer to your day off. I'll be in the corner. I'm running out of snacks so feed me please. I had a smoothie for breakfast and dinner yesterday because I had no time to make anything to eat.

Another hot and clammy day here, don't really want to complain as the last couple of summers have been a complete washout but I can't tolerate this heat...good news is it's to be a few degrees cooler over the weekend and into next week which will suit me fine as I have to start baking again!

Trying to decide what to have for tea, definitely something no-cook...probably settle for cold chicken wraps with salad.

Have a great day guys!

Mary

_________________________
"It's not what you have in your lifebut who you have in your life that counts."

New day new fun. The 'for rent' sign on the house that was suddenly empty is down now. Was up, then down, then up again and now down again. Might see some action over there soon. Hope the new people are good neighbors.