Sexual Abuse as a child

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Summertime should be a time of fun and laughter. Not usually for me or my family. It gets so hot in ILLINOIS, that my husband to whom works outside all day on barges, gets absolutely exhausted and I worry about him. I have PTSD, from sexual abuse, and summertime is worse for flashbacks, because that’s when a lot of it happened. My oldest daughter has health issues, and it seems that when she should be enjoying the sun, she has to go through another surgery. My youngest daughter, well, she’s young and trying to survive in our horrible economy.

In the past, I wouldn’t be able to function hardly at all. I wouldn’t get up early and exercise, I would mope around unable to smile. Since, it doesn’t get any easier, I’ve learned to cope. Not pretend troubles don’t happen, just realize that life wasn’t intended to be easy, it was intended for you to look at the glass half full. I now look at my husband, my daughters and my granddaughter, and tell myself to keep fighting. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Life is what you make of it. Sure, I get aggravated and angry at times, cry, yell at the idiot driver next to me. That doesn’t mean my life sucks, it means that life is life. You go through the shit, and keep trudging on.

Another thing, since I am almost 48 years old in September, I will no longer try to please everyone, and change myself to do it. I am me, take me or leave me. I will speak my mind. Hopefully I remember to do it with respect, but I am not going to take any crap off of anyone. I was a door mat for a long time, not any more.

Be true to you. Be respectful and loving. Help when your able. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, and don’t let anyone change you or your personality. God made you unique, and He didn’t mean for anyone to change you!!!!

Do you ever wonder why it took you so long to get where you’re at? I mean, from the time I was in grade school on up, I knew I only wanted to be a wife and mother, but because I let other people and their opinions influence me. I made too many crazy stops, before I got to my current destination as wife, mom and now, Mi Mi.

I never wanted a “career”, but I had everyone in my ear telling me that I needed to go to college, I needed to make money, blah, blah, blah, blah….. No I didn’t!! I was always the type that loved to be around family and I loved being creative. I loved to write, sing and draw. If everyone had left me alone and let me follow my dreams, it might not have taken so long for me to finally be happy. Yes, I have a mental illness, oh dang, I SAID IT!!! I’m mentally ill. How dare you if you just thought of the word crazy! It doesn’t mean that I’m crazy. It just means my ailment isn’t physical. I was born with parts of my illness, but others developed from traumas that happened in my life. Everyone would be happier if they would just admit it and get help, instead of blaming everyone else. Any way, as I was saying, I knew what I wanted. I should’ve told everyone else to take a flying leap, but I didn’t, so, it took a long time and a lot of heartache because I let other people run my life.

If your kids aren’t killing themselves, they’re respectful, appreciative, then leave them alone to follow their dreams instead of telling them to follow YOUR dreams. A lot of people that are going to college or have already been, have spent a lot of money on an education, yet they still don’t have a job or they’re unhappy. College doesn’t fix unhappiness.

Sometimes I feel like congratulating parents on making their kids feel miserable and inadequate.

Just because you didn’t do what you think you should’ve when you had the chance, now you project your unhappiness onto your own children. Tell your kids that you love them and want to support them in anything they would like to accomplish. Even if you don’t have the money, be their moral support. Then maybe it won’t take 30+ years to realize they’re finally doing what they always wanted to do, and they will have a great relationship with you by their side!

As I said in one of my other posts, the start of 2016 was, well, a nightmare. I won’t give you any details, other than to say, I thought my whole life was going to hell in a hand basket.

Now, it’s the end of January and I feel like I’m walking on clouds. I feel appreciated, loved, protected and because of a skin care product I use, I finally feel pretty.

It takes some sanding down to bare metal sometimes to find the smooth. The expression, “Diamond in the Rough,” fits my life to a T.

I am trying to learn to be positive instead of a DEBBIE DOWNER. I’m trying not to always wait for the sky to fall. Just because life is good right now, doesn’t mean it is going to end. I love my family, each and everyone of them. My husband is at work and I miss him. After eight years of marriage, we are cuddling and listening to each other. It’s a shame we as humans have to go through rough periods in our lives to appreciate how wonderful our lives really are.

Please, take the advice of a 48 year old, stop being so negative. It’s stressful and uncalled for. Life IS what you make of it. So, make it beautiful.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

When you love someone, you protect them, stand up for them, they can count on you no matter what mistakes they make. Too many people throw that word, Love, around lightly, then when a big problem arises, they’re ready to throw in the towel.

In the past, I was guilty of this. I don’t want to throw those words around any more. I don’t want to tell anyone I love them, unless, I’m willing to back those very important three words up.

This goes for spouses, family, friends and Christians. Self professed Christians sometimes say those words way too much. If you gossip about someone, you don’t love them. If you give someone an ultimatum, you don’t love them. How could you? If you are ready to throw a relationship away at the first sign of trouble, well, that causes fear. That’s not perfect love.

So many times in the past, people have told me they love me, but when I did something they didn’t agree with, or didn’t meet up to their standards, they abandoned me. Left me high and dry. With nothing, but hurt feelings and distrust. Please don’t do that to someone. Love them with your whole heart. Stand by them through thick and thin. You never know when it could be the last day, hour or minute that you ever see them again.

When I say I live my past, I don’t mean, “I live IN my past,” I mean, I LIVE MY PAST!

It happened within the last two weeks. An argument, upset feelings, argument gets bigger. Before you know it, your perception is off and you have tunnel vision. Something was said, or done, that took me straight back to a past relationship, a bad past relationship. Not only were things we were saying and doing like my past, but I was reliving my past. My guard came up, I put on my boxing gloves and went to war. When that happened, things that were said to me, were ten times worse than they should have been, because I just knew that I was right back in 2004, when my world was falling apart, therefore, in the present, my world was falling apart.

Why do we do that to ourselves and others around us? If they have lived that past with us, well, we just take them with us. Then when you try to go back and explain everything when things have calmed down, you look like you’re making light of what happened. I am much better than I was even a couple of years ago, but there are times I take a few steps backwards and then I have to try to keep myself from beating myself up for making a mistake.

I can thrive in life, excel, be so happy, if I will stop the cycle of living things over and over again. I do it to myself. I also think that I can handle life on my own, with no one or nothing to rely on. I can’t. I have to, for myself, lean on my Father. My Father, never lets me down. When I start listening and talking to Him, my life falls into place. When I don’t, everything goes to Hell! Believe what you want, live a miserable life blaming others and running in circles. Not me. I won’t do it any more. I like to love, laugh, hug and joke. I can’t do that if I’m miserable and always looking for the next shoe to drop. If you are looking for it, it will happen, that shoe will drop straight on top of your head.

Take a deep breath in the middle of bad situations, and reevaluate what’s really going on. And for goodness sake, keep others out of it until you absolutely know for sure that your life is going down that drain.

It has been a long time since I have blogged, sorry for being MIA. It has been a crazy summer, fall and now winter. My daughter was so sick for a while, but thank the Lord above, she is doing better. My youngest hasn’t had it easy either with her schooling and work load. Life goes on, and even through the hardest times, there is always a ray of sunshine.

This Christmas was extra special because of my granddaughter, Isla. It was relaxing and fun for all of us. She was so cute opening her first presents. She liked the tissue paper more than the toys.

I am only able to enjoy Christmases, and any holiday because of counseling and medicine. I used to stress so much, that I was irritable, mean, hateful, and also sad. Now, I am relaxed, excited, and content. What I am saying is, don’t think that you can recover from any childhood traumas on your own. Go to counseling, go to a psychiatrist. Don’t live your life in misery. It’s not worth living a miserable life, because you have too much pride to let someone else help. Trust me, you will cherish the happy times you will have once you start leaving your problems with someone else, and it needs to be a neutral professional. That along with my faith in Jesus Christ has helped me in so many ways, that my attitude compared to, 1990 to the present, looks like a miracle.

I must clarify, my blog yesterday was NOT a cry for help. It was a blog representing a point of view from a depressed individual or sexual abuse victims feelings. A point of view I used to have and many still have. If you have felt like the example in yesterday’s post, get help. Talk to someone.

I am a very happy moma, and Mi Mi. I attribute it to God, my husband and my children. I love life, love living, and live it to the fullest. You should too. Read Forgiveness Not Permission by Beth Kozine, available on Amazon.