April 5, 2016

Today we have become aware of a new, terrifying drug trend sweeping the nation. Teenagers are combining ED medications with Minoxidil for a fast, crazy high lasting well over four hours. Kids refer to this combination as "Drug X".

Teens everywhere are succumbing to the siren call of Drug X, and health officials are declaring a new drug epidemic as it sweeps the boulevards and gated communities of our nation. Most worryingly, this drug is easily manufactured by simply combining the two drugs, which are often easily obtained at home. Parents may not realize there is a problem until "date night" when they discover the missing ingredient.

DrugX and Addiction*

Doctors say compounds like DrugX are highly effective for treating
ED. And patients are much less likely to get addicted if they use
these drugs in just the dosage necessary to treat their ED.
But when a person starts taking compounds when they are not in ED,
or in doses beyond what is required to treat their ED, doctors say
the drugs have a different metabolic impact on the brain. In those
situations, addiction is highly likely.Many teens crush up DrugX pills and snort them to get high,
getting a hefty dose of drug all at once when they are not having ED to
begin with. This form of taking in the drug is much more likely to
lead to addiction.

A Pricey Habit*DrugX is very expensive on the street: $80 for one pill. To pay
for his habit, Ryan says he cashed $7,000 in savings bonds his aunts
had given him on birthdays. He sold his PlayStation, leather jackets,
cell phone — everything he had — just to stay high and keep from
getting sick. He finally broke down and asked his parents for help.
Looking back on it, Ryan says he didn't think using DrugX would be
that dangerous because it was a prescription pill — that made it
seem safe. Many different kids at his high school were playing around
with it, he says: "People from every sort of group — the
burnouts, athletic kids, the geniuses and, like, girls playing
wicked-good softball [who were] offered scholarships to places —
they would be using it."That sentiment is echoed by 18-year-old Mike, a recovering DrugX
addict in Winthrop, Mass. Mike says he was always an athlete and
played football. Until his sophomore year in high school, he attended
a prep school with wealthier students; he later transferred to the
local public school. He says that, if anything, he saw more DrugX at
the prep school."All the popular kids — that was the cool thing to do,"
Mike says. "It seemed like it was cool because it was so
expensive, this big rich drug. And a lot of rich kids were doing it
because the poor kids couldn't afford it."DrugX is so expensive that many teens turn to stealing to support
their habit."I stole so much money from my parents," says Katie, 18,
who is also a recovering DrugX habit. She says she and a friend both
stole their parents' ATM cards to support their habits. "I stole
$5,000 from my parents in two months."
Katie also wrote checks from her mother's checkbook. Katie's
parents say she and her friends stole cameras and jewelry from their
house. Somebody stole her father's wedding ring out of his top
drawer."It's like someone just punched you in the stomach,"
Katie's father said in an interview with NPR. "You know you're
never going to get it back. And what did it get used for? The
addiction."

In the face of such a monumental problem, Congressmen are being called upon to offer some solutions. After consultation with many experts and industry representatives, millions of healthcare dollars are being earmarked for education and treatment programs to address the issue. Congressman Richard Priap responded to questions at a press conference yesterday:

Obviously, any sort of ban on the drugs being used illicitly to create this compound is impractical and does not address the root problems. Denying millions access to these needed and useful drugs solves nothing and simply creates a more profitable market for smuggling rings to fill. Law abiding citizens will be denied needed treatments while criminals continue to have access, which is always counterproductive. Prohibition simply does not work, as we have demonstrated again and again.

*SATIRE ALERT*SATIRE ALERT*SATIRE ALERT*Obviously the above is satire. Please note that the paragraphs colored yellow are taken from an NPR story on OxyContin that can be found in its whole and unaltered state HERE .As a hospice nurse, I have seen how the panics over OxyContin abuse have negatively affected patients who NEED these drugs for severe pain, with little impact on overall narcotic abuse nationwide. I watch huge numbers of people suffering the effects of bans on psuedoepinephrine based drugs in an attempt to address methamphetamine abuse, again with less effect on drug manufacturing than it has on law-abiding allergy and virus sufferers.I picked on NPR for the *protected* satire above because the article for me highlights the reporting that goes along with issues that affect the wealthy white and educated demographic. It is an emergency, an epidemic, requires immediate action. I mean these kids are moving on to HEROIN for heavens sake! Poor people use heroin.

So I wondered - what would happen if Richie Rich started getting high from a combination of Dad's hair restorer and impotence meds?

Please note - this is not a real thing and if you try this then you are stupid and deserve whatever horrific mutation results.