Weekly Feature Articles

Valentine's Day is nothing short of divisive - you either love it or you hate it (and hate everybody who loves it). While a girl with a boyfriend counts down the days leading up to the Cupid-endorsed holiday, she'll quickly cling to her inner single lady and hate on the heart-filled occasion as soon as he refuses to put a ring on it. So if you don't have a man to spend the day (and night) with, how should you spend your February 14th?

First of all, don't feel sorry for yourself. You don't have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day: Big. Freakin'. Deal. Do you have a condition which requires a yearly dose of drugstore chocolates? Does your health hinge upon receiving flowers from a supermarket bin? Yeah, didn't think so. You'll be fine.

Now remember, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about romantic love. You don't have a man to dote on? Fine - spoil yourself and your friends. Get your nails done, go shopping, indulge in some you-time. Stock up on luxurious beauty products, bubble bath, perfume and blinc Eyeliner and Mascara and you'll feel like a million bucks.

Next, grab some food, a few bottles of wine (or, if you're like us, a few cases of beer) and invite your single pals over. You can choose to glam yourself up (you don't need a man to have a reason to look great!) or dress without even looking in the mirror (who are you kidding, you don't have anyone to impress). Spend the time talking and relaxing, or dancing around and getting crazy - y'all deserve it.

Once the sun has set, it's time to head to the bar. Here's the good news - if you go out to a bar on V-Day, chances are the dudes there will be single as well (even the most ballsy cheater will find it hard to sneak out with the guys on Valentine's Day). Here's the bad news - you may have to deal with couples canoodling in the corner of the bar. However, there's more good news. You may be single on Valentine's Day, but at least your boyfriend didn't bring you to a seedy bar to celebrate it. We'll count that one as a win.

It seems as though getting arrested is as trendy among celebrities as carrying around a Chihuahua in a Louis Vuitton handbag. From Paris Hilton to newly-minted divorcee Christina Aguilera, A-listers have repeatedly been put in handcuffs, fingerprinted and told to smile for the stationhouse shutterbugs.

Yes, it's a pity, but as Nick Nolte will tell you, there's nothing worse than looking horrible for your official mug shot. Sure, there may be more jailhouse images of Lindsay Lohan circulating than copies of her direct-to-DVD stink bomb Labor Pains, but in her later photos, girlfriend looked glowing for the cameras.

Nobody wants to spend a night in the slammer, but if you do unexpectedly find yourself in the backseat of a police car, here are three tips to get you looking fantastic before you say "cheese!"

1. Ask to put on the orange jumpsuit after the photoshoot. Yes, some ladies can pull off this color, but most complexions don't fare well with tangerine. If the authorities insist that you get dressed in your inmate uniform beforehand, try to cover your upper body with the chalkboard.

2. Smile pretty. Sure, you're probably not in the best of moods at this point. But sporting a frown only detracts from your natural beauty. Years from now you may be laughing about the whole experience, so do your best to make the most of the situation and give the world a glimpse of those pearly whites.

3. Powder your nose before being put in cuffs. If you know how the evening is going to go down, why not look your best? Before the officer makes their way to your vehicle, try to throw some blush on your cheeks and apply a few coats of blinc Mascara. Your quick-thinking may give your spirits a boost and allow you to look like the loveliest criminal in your cell.

Sure, there are repercussions to be had when all is said and done, but that mug shot will be out there forever. When it comes down to it, looking bad for the po-po should always be a no-no.

Not that any of this is surprising, but it appears that there's now a research study to back up the already widely-held belief that Mac users are all a bunch of whiny hipsters. An infographic put together by researchers at Hunch not only details the way Mac lovers diverge from PC users, but also unwittingly provides a point-by-point guide for any of you who have been dying to emulate the Apple-worshipers.

For the benefit of humanity and the tragically hip worldwide, here are a few basic pointers on how to talk the talk and walk the walk of the ultimate Mac daddy.

1. Trade in all of your big-label retailer clothing and replace it with stuff you found at the local hipster second-hand haunt. Mac people would never be caught in anything that's, oh, what's the word - mainstream. American Apparel is where we draw the line.

2. Impressionist art is soo last century. Because Mac users are more likely to be into stuff like graphic design, it's imperative that you begin carrying design books with you, just for good measure. It's not pretentious if everyone else is doing it.

3. Stop eating meat. Mac users are 80 percent more likely than PC users to be vegetarians - and to some degree, more liberallly-oriented, overall. So much for "PC" standing for "politically correct," hmmm? In general, we recommend staying away from food and drink that's too stereotypically American. Mac users are more worldly, so they like international cuisine and fine culinary fare - not hot dogs, sodas and patty melts.

4. If it's not the Huff Post or The New York Times, it's not worth reading.

5. Don't let anyone know you're actually excited about that new box-office blockbuster. Mac users are 95 percent more likely to prefer indie flicks, so this is sort of one area where you'll just have to conform - to not conform, you see.

6. Throw out any books in your library that don't fit under some sort of "post" genre. Post-modern, post-post modern, post-structuralist and post-apocalyptic novels are all where it's at - think Cormac McCarthy's The Road, not Great Expectations.

7. Last but not least, Mac people seldom self-identify. Mac users were approximately half as likely as PC users to admit that they belonged to a computing creed. In this vein, take it as a rule of thumb that you never want to allow anyone to pin you down (or know that you were just crying over this year's SXSW lineup). Classic hipster move.

Jamie Oliver, eat your heart out. There's a new food authority on the horizon, and according to their findings, it's not school lunches that are making America fat.

Italian researchers Dr. Davide Dragone and Dr. Luca Savorelli just published their findings in a scintillating paper entitled Thinness and Obesity: A Model of Food Consumption, Health Concerns, and Social Pressure, and we guess if they had it their way, they'd enact a revolution to keep more size zero models in the public eye. Impossibly skinny girls should not be removed from their current post as the harbingers of the body ideal, because, as the "doctors" would have it, Americans would just get fatter without this much needed thinspiration.

We're not ruling anything out, but in the name of scientific inquiry, we thought we'd come up with a few of our own theories pertaining to the obesity epidemic.

1. Our bodies are actually preparing for the apocalypse by building up reserve stores of fat, kind of like the way bears do before they go into hibernation. Americans (and Europeans, to an extent) are just naturally more predisposed to survive into the future. Either that, or it's a government conspiracy to keep the first world alive.

2. The chupacabra doesn't just suck blood, it sucks metabolism.

3. Smudgy mascara is creating the appearance of gaunt, sunken eyes, leading women everywhere to believe they're dangerously thin and overcompensate by eating more high-calorie foods to restore themselves back to health. If we knew so many of you were struggling, we would have handed you a tube of blinc Mascara a long time ago.

4. We may not know it now, but obesity has a hidden evolutionary advantage. When you pack on the pounds, you automatically get to take up more space on the train, have two seats to yourself on all domestic and international flights and have people unconsciously make way for you as you get in line for stuff (back in the Stone Age, you had to rise to alpha male/female status to get first dibs on anything).

5. We're basically taking on whatever bulk our tech gadgets are losing. The advent of increasingly-thin devices such as the MacBook Air, the iPod Nano and the better-faster-thinner iPad leaves it up to someone to pick up the extra weight, and it may as well be us. Maybe if our computers had more realistic role models, they would learn to just be happy with themselves and stop displacing all their excess baggage onto us, dammit.

Danger. Intrigue. Rebellion. If you're a woman who loves these qualities in a man, it's likely your type of guy can be described in one word, and one word only - bad. What is it about these men that send women to the clouds and back?

To all the lovely ladies out there who are unavoidably attracted to scandalous rebels with a reputation the size of a Goodyear blimp, good news: there are bound to be perfect matches for you in every major city. Guys who consider a leather jacket to be part of their daily wardrobe and walk around with a chip on their shoulders can be reeled in - it just takes some careful preparation. In order to get your hands on one of these motorcycle misfits, there are strict procedures and protocols to follow.

1. Dress for the first date accordingly. Leather attire or any accessories adorned with spikes says "I'm a bad chick too."

2. Get his attention by making sure your breath smells like the scent of stale cigarettes or cheap vodka, especially if it's between the hours of noon and 6pm when he's still relatively sober.

3. When there are plenty of other girls flocking around him, weed out the competition by starting a random fist fight. Whatever you do, make sure you come out bloody and ready for more.

4. Don't talk about past relationships unless you were involved with a rock star, a pyromaniac who accidentally lit your cat on fire, or Hugh Hefner.

5. Never get mad if he's late or a no-show. In fact, always have cash on hand in case the need to bail him out of jail should arise.

6. If he's forced into rehab, don't write him to see how he's doing. Playing hard-to-get works wonders with troublemakers.

If you're in need of a man who's not afraid to send you his mug shot as a Christmas card, follow the exhilarating examples and you'll be good to go. Just don't come crying to us when he leaves you for your sister.