My #1000Speak Topic, REVEALED

Apparently I’m up for a week of REVEALS (coming up next – ‘Everything, REVEALED!’ (kidding)) and as it’s the right time to chum the water start laying the groundwork for the incredible mass-post, compassion-frenzy on the 20th February, as 1000+ Voices Speak for Compassion, I thought I’d make a small bit of a song and dance (in words, cos I can do that…totes!) about what it is, what I’m gonna do about it, what it means to me, and what YOU can do about it.

What it is: A group of as many people as possible – bloggers, vloggers, instagrammers, tweeters, musicians, poets, artists – all releasing SOMETHING on February 20th, on the subject of compassion. And putting them into one (or two, or several) ma-HOU-ssive linkies. Because compassion matters – it’s a good thing and it helps us to Be The Village for each other. A long time ago, I fell in love with a place called Our Land, where compassion, empathy and wonder RULE. Since then, the SisterWives have created a safe space online for people to share things which are difficult for them, because we’re stronger together. Because everyone matters. Because we’re designed for relationships, and no-one should have no-one, and in this day and age, no-one should feel alone or unacceptable or as though they aren’t worthwhile.

But we forget all that too easily, and get swamped by the overwhelming negativity which tries to wrap itself around our souls and tries to choke us. This is to redress the balance a little in terms of what’s ‘out there’. Ouf! With me so far?

What I’m gonna do about it: Well, in addition to helping the other admin-y types manage the INCREDIBLE 1000Speak Facebook group, I’m going to write. I’m going to keep sharing stories of compassion as I come across them in the run-up to The Big Day, and I’m going to start drafting my own post for the day.

I’m not looking forward to the latter task.

Because I’m going to write about self-compassion – the thing I am absolutely, definitely, NO GOOD-VERY BAD-AWFUL at doing.

Why it matters to me: The thing is, despite how much I really don’t want to write on this subject, I think it does matter, and as much as it’s probably going to be some kind of cathartic/learning/deep emotional experience/spiritual revelation for me, there’s another level to it, which is that I’m not that special. It stands to reason that there are other people out there who, like me, could write til the cows come home about compassion for others, and who are their own worst critics, and regularly guilty of being their own judge, jury and executioner.

So it will be me – executioning – falling on my sword for the sake not only of myself, but to try to untangle the issue a bit for the people who will resonate with my outlook. I know they’re out there, and I want them to know they’re not alone.

There will be guts everywhere!

But that’s partly what this is all about, too. It’s not about having something shiny-fabu-wonderful, because life isn’t LIKE that. Life very rarely gives us the rainbow-sparkle version of itself, no matter how much we might like it to. Life is hard and challenging and difficult and wonderful and beautiful and sometimes we taste triumph, but more often than not it’s a slog, or battling the down-turns, and it’s MESSY.

I doubt there’s a person in the world who will tell you that they feel their life is genuinely without some form of struggle, yet there are those who find ways to beat themselves up over the small things and the failings (perceived or real), hold themselves to impossible, exacting standards, and fail utterly at keeping up with them (me), whilst others have learned the art of self-compassion, and they manage to navigate the mess without adding to the trauma by keelhauling themselves in its wake.

I want to learn that art. I want to be able to manage life without constantly reverting to ways of thinking which leave me drowning in a miserable sense of failure and inadequacy. I want to look into a mirror and see (mostly) just a person, not a poster-child for ‘Ways To Get It Wrong’.

I want to learn to be content in my own skin, and in my own brain, and to live with a little more grace and a bit less self-obsession.

Soooooo, I guess I best get sharpening that sword.

Meanwhile…

What you can do about it: JOIN IN!

You don’t have to spill your guts – I promise – but if you take part somehow, on ANY kind of social media platform, on February 20th, letting the world know that you’re putting something out there for 1000Speak, and relating something to do with compassion and why it matters to you, then you add weight and unique perspective to a movement which I think is the most exciting I’ve been involved with yet.

Different in a good way? What kind of voice did you expect? What I’d LOVE, would be an Oxford accent. Have you ever heard it? It’s most noticeable on the train, and as you get closer and closer, more people have it, and it’s simply DELECTABLE. But alas, Saaaaaav’ampton it is *sigh*

I am SO proud of you for taking the step in this direction with your compassion post, my love!! SO excited to read what you sort through and share here…

I am praying for some amazing revelations and transformation… hey! I CAN DO THAT! And yes… GOD can do that. You might think you will never change… but God’s a BIG God. And I see you changing already. Slowly, evolving into this beautifully stretched heart FULL of deep love and grace. And although it is all for others- I see some of that love and grace soaking through to you too.

We’ll see. I hope you’re right, Kitty, cos this topic has me SKEERT like I can’t tell you. Not because I think I’m gonna flub it – I KNOW I can write it – but because I don’t know if I’ll take what I write ON BOARD, or do my usual ‘disconnect’ with these things. *sigh*

Yay to you writing about self-compassion! A few people are picking that theme and I love it. It is challenging to practise self-compassion, partly because of old habits and partly because of cultural taboos that we’ve absorbed (and maybe those amount to the same thing.) I’ve been actively working on it for a while now, and it has made a huge difference – and I still forget and go off into beating myself at times.
I was talking to my mum about this event/movement/whatever it is last night and she spoke about the power of a large group of people praying has been shown to have an effect, and so she reckoned this could work in same way! So many voices for self-compassion is great!

I thought of you when I wrote this, Yvonne, because you’ve been so helpful in trying to get me to understand self-compassion, why it matters, how it works and all the in betweens. I know that I’m nowhere near to close with it yet, but I’m determined to write something which not only acknowledges the rightness and good sense of self-compassion, but which somehow applies it to me. I want to set a good example, if I can, and I’m a bit fed up of living inside a brain which is such a war zone at times.

Your mum has a good head on her shoulders. That’s a very compelling image and a striking comparison. I kind of have that feeling about the whole project.

Last year, not being up on the latest and greatest sayings, someone told me I was the bomb. I retorted,” What did I do wrong? You don’t like me?” Then I learned what it meant. So, Lizzi, you absolutely are the bomb! Love this and the movement and everything in between. Yup. I surely do.

Bless your boots, Cathy! That’s an entertaining little anecdote, and I really appreciate your vote of confidence and support (no retort from me!). I think it’s one of those things which has a feeling of something ‘bigger’ than just the idea and the sum of the posts we’re all going to make – I feel like it’s working at some kind of big change, which is wonderful.

Whatever you write will be amazing…because it will be YOU!
Honestly, I’m a bit overwhelmed and excited all at once as I keep up with the FB posts and marvel at the wonderful talents coming together. What you are doing is not an easy task and I so admire and love you for bringing it together.
As for me….I’m looking for a sword, too. I haven’t written a real word in over two weeks and now the deadline is looming. Every day, my thoughts dart to what’s compassionate right in front of me and how do I capture it?
How do I write about it.
Maybe, more importantly, how do I live it?
Rock on Lizzi…you got this 🙂

Well, here’s hoping, right? It’s not gonna be easy, no way! BUT, I have confidence that even if it’s a bit of an academic study, rather than something which I can necessarily translate on an emotional level (which would be the ideal), it will still count. And if it’s a mess, my readers will just have to have compassion on me.

To be honest, apart from a few minor aspects of adminning the facebook group, there is very little to do. The lovely thing is that it almost runs itself because people are quite prepared to behave sensibly about it.

I’m so glad to have your vote of confidence for this, and thank you SO much. I need all the encouragement I can get, I think – especially on the day – and it’s going to feel really difficult to write something which is going to hit so close to the bone.

I have faith in you, Michelle. I always enjoy your writing and I think that whatever subject ends up presenting itself in your mind to be written, will be wonderfully done.

(incidentally, just cos I never asked – do you prefer ‘Michelle’, or something else?)

“And if it’s a mess, my readers will just have to have compassion on me.”
I have no doubt that will it not only be not a mess…your readers will shower you with love and support.
And thanks for your confidence in me. I’m going to give this some thoughtful consideration over the weekend and hope something wonderful pops into my brain.
My friend – you can call me whatever you want! My friends and family alternate between Michelle, Mick or Mickey.
You have a wonderful weekend with your husby and I’ll talk to you next week. xoxoxo

Your work is fascinating. You’re on the other side of the desk to me, and I deal with people in your role several times a week. Their attitude can really make or break someone’s day, and I know that you’re mindful of that. On behalf of all us on the business-end of the desk; thank you for that 🙂

I am completely stuck on what to write about. Everything I think of seems not enough, but I need to just let that go and write. I witnessed a touching act of compassion in the dentist office yesterday – maybe I’ll recount that.

Self-compassion is a great topic for you, especially because you struggle with it. I wish you didn’t, but I think the fact that you will face it head on speaks volumes about you.

I’m nothing if not stubborn. And perhaps a bit masochistic. This seemed like the hardest thing for me to write about, so of COURSE it’s the thing which I figured I probably need to write about MOST. *sigh*

I wish I didn’t struggle. Then I could write about something straightforward.

Recount the dentist office moment anyway! Sounds like a good one, if it’s stayed with you. The great thing is, with compassion, NONE of our posts need to be outstanding (my saving grace for this) because the POINT is that we’re spreading compassion, and can expect to receive it, even if we feel our writing could be more poignant/suitable/perfect/whatever.

You’ll figure it out. I have every confidence in you, Dana. I KNOW you can write ‘deep’ very well indeed:)

I know I have been quiet for some time – it seems that I have not been able to verbalize anything – truly my lips feel like they are glued together- nevertheless all of this is because back in October something happened that totally displeased me – I was mad and had to deal with it – but I had let it go and move on – (on a side note on the way to work one morning the car in front of me had a personalized license plate that said “Don’t Be Mad” ha I took a picture of it and text it to hubby – who I was mad at and said talk about a sign.) The reason I tell you this is because since then I have been taking care of me and what pissed me off in the first place. And although at times I have felt like a 3 year old brat taking a temper tantrum – I have realized the the only way that I can feel better is; for me, the adult me, is to take care of me with compassion – having said all of that – I have been writing – breathing, and forgave, so bottom- line if I can treat the inner spoiled brat in me with compassion can I do the same or would I want to do the same to an enemy?

It’s easier, perhaps, when we can see a clear explanation for the behaviours we exhibit. I feel like a charlatan a lot of the time – a snivelling crawler who tries to ingratiate herself. I’ve forever wanted to be likeable, because as a child I wasn’t (so most of the evidence suggested) and NICE people are just lovely to be around or near or to know from a distance. So one day I decided that would be my new goal – to try to learn to be a NICE person. Evidence suggests that I’m succeeding, but I don’t FEEL like a nice person. I still feel like a horrible one. THAT is the problem I’m facing.

I’m glad you managed to have compassion for your inner spoiled brat, and that you’ve been able to begin working through the incident which caused you so much angst. I hope that you continue to be able to treat yourself kindly, and that you get through it okay.

OHhhhh now on THAT I can give you LOADS of justifications. I know SO MANY REASONS.
1 – If I reject myself first, then it’s less painful when other people do it second
2 – I feel pretty useless and worthless
3 – I don’t like how I look/behave/think
4 – I’ve heard too many bad things said about me – they can’t ALL be wrong
5 – I don’t deserve anything better
6 – I just plain don’t like myself much
7 – It’s pathetic and narcissistic to be so caught up on self-criticism over things which don’t really matter AT ALL, when there are people dying around the world
8 – And so on, and so forth.

Why? Because we’re doing the best we can the best we know how. Yes, we make mistakes, but so does EVERYBODY. I can be extremely hard on myself at times, but I’ve lightened up quite a bit in the last few months. I pray that you can find some way to cut yourself some slack.

I shall try. I AM trying. Things are impoving, at a snail’s pace. I still have setbacks, but your determination to sort things out in YOUR life, has really inspired me to get my act together and try harder to get things fixed NOW 😀

Ack. You’ve hit the nail on the head. Helena asked me earlier “but how are you going to prove you’re doing it?” and that’s really the rub. I think I can write the theory. I don’t know if I can make it happen. You and I are quite similar in this arena, I think

Yes! I for one am thrilled that this is your topic. For someone who gives compassion and gives of themselves so readily I want so much for you to see and truly feel what those of us who know you see. ❤

I’m the tiniest bit skeert, Gretchen. Not because I don’t think I can write a post on it (it might not make much sense if I flub it, but I WILL write it), but because I worry that it’s going to be a bit of an academic exercise and will remain at arm’s length and not become something I am able to internalise. I still haven’t found a reason to bother giving compassion to myself – I know I can make other people feel happy, and I know I have the same measure of intrinsic worth as everyone else in the world. But other than that…I just see a vacuum…

I’m going to tell you something someone very wise told me. It’s helped me and *maybe* it will give you something to think about. I identify a lot with Ava (my youngest). She is very much like me when I was little. This person told me that when I’m being critical or impatient with myself to picture the young me, or to picture Ava. And then to speak that way to Ava (in my mind only). The point is I would NEVER say the things to her that I say to myself. If niece or neph remind you of you, use them. Any time you’re being harsh with yourself stop yourself and picture saying it to them. And as for the things that were said/done to you when you were little, defend yourself against those things the same way you would defend niece or neph.

I don’t know if this is something you’ve done, if you have looked at it this way. I don’t know if it will help you. The bottom line is you would find it so easy to have patience and compassion for niece and neph or to come to their defenses. You have to start applying that to yourself.

I hope it isn’t totally annoying or obnoxious that I am saying all of this. I don’t mean to say that I have an easy answer. But it is an exercise that’s helped me recently and I have to constantly remind myself to look at things that way.

(also, I have no worries that you will write something detached or at arms’ length. You’ve never done it before. I know you won’t now)

This brings me All The Feels, Gretchen, because the one thing which I’ve seen people do, which I don’t think I could ever do, is that ‘write a letter to your younger self’ thing. Because I don’t like her. I’ve adopted the criticisms and perceived repulsion, and have somehow fallen into the habit of viewing her as an irritation – something to be borne with and dealt with and put up with. I can’t bring myself to like her or view her as a likeable child. She just kept evolving into a worse and worse version of herself, and right up until a few years ago, gosh, I would quite happily jettison every permutation of ‘me’ and begin again, but I can’t and they follow me and I hate it because I’m so afraid that they’ll get out and take over again, and people will see THEM, and I’m so horribly ashamed and embarrassed by them.

I wish they weren’t. This is why I would never go back – people sometimes ask, don’t they – which part of your life would you like to go back to, and for me, the answer is a very vehement NONE OF IT. I don’t even want to go back to last week. I just want to somehow keep being better, keep becoming more acceptable, and further and further from those beginnings I dislike so intensely.

I know you have it in you. I believe in you. You would pick the hardest thing for you to write about and it is probably appropriate because you are already so, so good about showing compassion to others. You are a champion for the cause. If you write about self compassion and it can move you closer to becoming the same sort of champion for your OWN cause then I shall be one of many standing and cheering you on.

Whatever you write will be wonderful. Because you are wonderful. Tell yourself I said so. And I’m rarely wrong :)!

I don’t know WHY, my DA, but your comment elicited a really strong visual of medieval knights, and you as a kind of pre-existing champion, on your charger, telling me really sensible things like how to put my armour on properly. I might be tired. I don’t know why that happened in my brain, but it was quite a nice visual, like I’m bound to go into battle and don’t really know how to fight properly, or which way around to hold a sword, but that you’ve been there, done that, and you’re right behind me, giving me hints.

If that’s too weird, then WHATEVS, and I didn’t say nor think any of that, and can’t imagine what gremlin took over my computer and just wrote that there piece of comment.

But thank you 🙂 I shall luxuriate awhile in the knowledge that you, in all your rightness, think I’m wonderful, and that’s lovely 🙂

Self-compassion is going to be my topic on the 20th, too! 😀 I can be terrible at it too, but you know what? If more of us talk about it and support each other in our efforts to be more compassionate toward ourselves, maybe it might be the start of something. Looking forward to reading your take on the topic, Lizzi. 🙂

You could be right, and I’m fascinated by how many people think that self-compassion is such an important deal. I’ve been very good at marginalising it for YEARS because, well, I don’t think *I* matter very much, except in certain capacities such as how I can be useful or make other people feel happier. It’s going to be a fascinating day, for sure, in terms of seeing what people come up with on the subject.

Thanks Rena, and thank you so much for sharing this one, earlier! The more people who hear about 1000Speak the better. Congrats on your Huffpo piece, btw 🙂 That’s BRILLIANT. You’re on board for 1000Speak, right? I hope (rather assuming that Alzheimer’s might be your subject if so) that it will bring some extra views to your writing and spread a bit more awareness about the disease.

If only you could see yourself the way others see you… I’m glad you are delving into the topic of self compassion, which is the basis for all compassion. I can’t wait to read your post (and I’m not saying that to humor or indulge you – I really can’t).

I have a feeling it’s going to be a bit of a mess, Jen, but I think that’s okay because on a day when everyone’s ALL ABOUT COMPASSION, hopefully I’ll be slightly off the hook for a less-than-perfect post. I have no idea how I’m going to approach this, and increasingly feel like an idiot for picking THEE HARDEST TOPIC I COULD THINK OF. But I still think that BECAUSE it’s so hard, it’s probably the right one to try. If that makes sense.

I wish you all the very best, my sparkly friend, and I shall be cheering you on and hoping that you strike treasure. I reckon that anyone who’s good at compassion for other people, at LEAST has a fighting chance of finding some for themselves, but the WHY is the bit I get stuck on.

I fall on a spoon because it hurts more(sorry, sorry…Alan Rickman popped into my brain and had to have his say). Self-compassion is, I think, the hardest to practice. All that self-doubt that creeps in and makes us become depressed and worse is our special brand of sadism. I am still learning how to just be the best me I can be…not perfect, totally flawed, just me. And I still hate trying to come up with good things about myself. One of the best things someone finally told me is that I drop everything, no matter what it is I’m doing, just to greet them. I actually never saw that one. It didn’t even occur to me that I do it. It’s just a little thing I don’t even think about but it means something to them. So, I have one thing on my list. 😉

I have plenty of things which I *could* draw on to blow my own trumpet, but I hate to do so, because no matter how much people believe the wonderful things they say, or where they say them (yesterday, a couple of very darling friends even said some amazing, incredibly affirming things about me in public, which was so gorgeous of them to do) – I’m excellent at ‘rationalising’ away the goodies, or finding ways they don’t belong to me, or figuring out ‘equal opposites’ which cancel them out.

I’m very, very bad at being complimented. I have a tendency (a horrid one) to feel as though people who offer me compliments are humouring or indulging me. For whatever reason, I cling to low self-worth and the irritating thing is that (psychologically speaking) it must be DOING something for me, otherwise I would jettison it. I think it’s just a comfort-zone thing, and something I’m used to as a result of living it for so long. I find it hard to trust admiration, even though I crave it, because I think everyone I know is so admirable – I don’t feel at all special 🙂

I’m a plonker, in short, and I gotta learn to think nicely about myself.

I do that too!
I hate being complimented because I’m so uncomfortable with it. I overcompensate by complimenting everyone else. I’m not humoring them, I am truly sincere because I do believe with all my heart that they deserve the compliment. But me, no I don’t deserve it. I don’t even know what you are on about. (Like when certain people use the word ‘amazing’ in reference to me-I’m really not.) But I am trying to learn how to reset my brain about it all. And, ugh…it’s taking F.O.R.E.V.E.R.!