Cristina Trette's bloghttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette
enHow to get her in bed (after marriage and kids) https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/how-to-get-her-in-bed-after-marriage-and-kids
<div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/sex-life-relationships-after-kids.jpg" width="800" height="654" alt="sex life and relationships after kids" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p><span style="font-size: 13.008px;">What happens when one partner wants sex and his wife or long term lover is rarely in the mood? A healthy sex life is part of what makes up a thriving relationship and general feelings of well-being. When one or both partners are feeling unsatisfied in this area, this can trigger the beginning of a downward spiral that does not end up very well.</span></p>
<p>As I researched this subject, I had a difficult time finding a reliable source that offers current statistics on low sex or sexless marriages. If you come across the current research, email me. A 2003 Newsweek article stated that 15% to 20% of couples who are married with kids have sex less than 10 times a year, which translates to around 20 million couples not having much sex. If you talk to marriage and family therapists, or even your friends for that matter, most will share anecdotal evidence that this number is probably much higher.</p>
<p>Many couples report wanting a better sex life. But with children, careers, lack of sleep, endless household duties, financial pressures, and all of the other energy drainers that come with modern family life, sexual desire can begin to fade away. This is normal. But normal does not necessarily mean acceptable. Alas, problems arise when one wants it more or the other wants it less. And if you become complacent, not much is likely to change.</p>
<p>It is more common to hear men complaining about not getting enough sex, which is why this article is for men. But don't worry guys, I have another article on its way that offers tips for the ladies too! Since you are in a partnership, the ideal situation is that you and your love work together to spice things up. Yet, there are plenty of things you can do now to get your lady back in bed soon. Keep reading!</p>
<p><strong>1. No more keeping score</strong></p>
<p>Outside of role play, feeling pressured or obligated to have sex with a man because he bought dinner, because he supports her while she stays home to care for the baby, or because he is suddenly showering her with attention, is a turn-off. The moment a woman feels manipulated or coerced into sex, she will feel used and lose interest. Instead of expecting sex in return for your "good behavior" shift your focus towards wanting to strengthen the bond you have with your woman. The actions below are great ways to reconnect at an emotional and relational level, and by doing this, you are highly likely to spice up your sex life too.</p>
<p><strong>2. Get real about what you really want and need</strong></p>
<p>Sex feels good. Its fun. You want it. Heck, you might even need it. But it's not just about the sex. The sensations that comes from build up and orgasm are highly rewarding in the brain. Yet, you probably miss the intensity, excitement, and passion that came in leaps and bounds when you were first together. You also might miss being touched and held. There is comfort that comes from being close to your woman. Just know this: most of us want, and potentially need, excitement and pleasure as well as nurturing and touch. Sex is just one of the ways we get these needs met. Learning how to attain both solid security and fun riskiness is <a href="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/livetv/sex-after-baby">key to recreating a fabulous sex life</a>. You can be naughty, squeeze in quickies, or play out fantasies, while creating a foundation of deep respect, love, and connection.</p>
<p><strong>3. Be vulnerable</strong></p>
<p>Nothing is sexier to a woman than seeing a strong and masculine man open up about soft feelings. Share some of your frustrations and fears with her. Allow her to be there for you. Most women are very attracted to men who are vulnerable, have an appreciation of their inner world, and put forth ongoing effort toward self-growth.</p>
<p><strong>4. Hear her</strong></p>
<p>She wants to be vulnerable too. Hold the space for her to talk about her feelings and really listen to what she has to say. Most of the time she does not want fixing or problem-solving. She wants to know that her feelings are important to you, that you care about what she is going through, and that you are there for her - no matter what.</p>
<p><strong>5. Flirt with her</strong></p>
<p>Like you did when you first met. Be playful, dance with her, slap her bum, get her to laugh, look into her eyes and smile, or naughty texts when you are at work. This is the woman you decided to partner with. Give her lots and lots of love and attention.</p>
<p><strong>6. Tease her</strong></p>
<p>Throw in some moves here and there. Not all the time and not too much. Just enough to be playful and create excitement. When she walks past you in the hallway, on her way to put the kids to sleep, push her up against the wall, move in close, and tell her how hot she looks tonight. When you hear the kids call out "mom", which they will because they seem to have a radar on adult enjoyment, pull away with smile and a look that lets her know how much she turns you on. Or, when she is taking off her clothes to get in the shower, come up behind her for a moment, move her hair to the side, and kiss the back of her neck. Most women love to be taken by their man and get very turned on when he is assertive and masculine. A little bit of push and pull now mimics the intensity you felt when you first started dating.</p>
<p><strong>6. Ravish her when you can and take the lead</strong></p>
<p>These days, with schedules drummed in, kids potentially sleeping in your bed, a to-do list that never ends, spontaneity has likely been swapped with bone-numbing routine and the grind. Well, its time to bring it back.The more connected you are on an emotional level, the riskier, naughtier, and more playful you can be. Ravish her when she is not expecting it and sneak in a quick when you can. Take the lead and suggest you try out some role plays. Or, ask her to share some of her fantasies and you can decide together, as a couple, whether or not you want to play them out. The more connected you are on an emotional level, the more spontaneous, risky, and playful you can be.</p>
<p><strong>7. Massage her</strong></p>
<p>Quick shoulder rubs are fantastic. To take it up a notch put the kids to sleep, light some candles, bring out the oil, and give her a full body massage. Do this with the genuine intention of wanting her to feel good and relax. She might fall asleep. What goes around comes around, but do not expect anything in return!</p>
<p><strong>8. Help more with kids or housework</strong></p>
<p>Lighten her load. If she is telling you she is too tired to have sex she means it. With work and babies and all the day-to-day obligations of motherhood she probably needs a break. One day, when you get home from work, send her to the tub with a glass of wine while you cook dinner. Or, figure out another way to get your family more support through babysitters, grandparents, teenager mothers helpers, etc. Do not make the mistake of expecting sex in the return for this (see number 1)! Remember all of these actions are attempts to strengthen your bond and relationship which tends to equal more sex.</p>
<p><strong>9. If she continues to refuse, stop pursuing </strong></p>
<p>If the more you try to get her to have sex, the more uninterested she becomes, then stops trying. You may have to spend weeks or months re-building your bond and friendship. Give it time and see what happens if you drop the sex agenda for awhile.</p>
<p><strong>10. Talk to her, and if all else fails, get support</strong></p>
<p>If you have never talked about your feelings around sex, now is a good time to start. Talking may be enough to turn things around. If you try all of these tips, and nothing changes, consider receiving support from a psychotherapist. Be sure to work with someone who works with relationships and couples.</p>
<p>If you try this, and it is helpful, I want to hear from you! Please leave comments in the box below. You can learn more at <a href="http://www.cristinatrette.com">www.cristinatrette.com</a>. </p>
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</div></div></div>Wed, 12 Jul 2017 02:51:53 +0000Cristina Trette50656 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.comhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/how-to-get-her-in-bed-after-marriage-and-kids#commentsWhy Parenting May Feel So Hard and What We Can Do About Ithttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/why-parenting-may-feel-so-hard-and-what-we-can-do-about-it
<div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/web-mom-yelling-kids-crazy.jpg" width="800" height="533" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>​I was teaching a Joy of Parenting course to a vibrant and well-educated group of parents. When I asked the group to introduce themselves, I requested that they briefly share individual parenting strengths and struggles. One by one, names and parenting struggles were offered with great ease. Yet, almost every parent had difficulty with recalling their strengths. I shared their sentiments and we had a good laugh about this! However, this common phenomena is worthy of exploration.</p>
<p>Enter in the negativity bias. Which may explain part of the reason why we all think that parenting is so difficult.</p>
<p>The negativity bias is a psychological term that describes the tendency for individuals to focus on negative events and situations in life, while simultaneously, being unaware of or less focused on neutral or positive events. Our bias towards the negative happens automatically. This is because our brains are hardwired for survival.</p>
<p>Our ancestors had to be able to fight or flee from threatening situations. Therefore, they also had to be on high alert for any situation or person that could potentially do harm. Back in the day, our biggest agenda was to stay alive by avoiding or warding off possible threats. This is why the one negative event of the day tends to stay with us but we ignore the hundred positive or neutral events. For our ancestors, the hundred positive or neutral situations were useless for survival! Yet we had to be on the lookout for the one tiger that may attack and kill us.</p>
<p>It appears that some individuals have a stronger negativity bias than others. Those who lean towards depression and anxiety, for example, tend to have a heightened negativity bias. Parents that tend to become very overwhelmed with parenting may fall into this category as well. At times, our brains misinterpret our own children as being threats to survival!</p>
<p>The great news is that there are well-researched strategies that we can utilize to overcome our negativity bias. This makes it more likely that we will be able to relish in happiness and bring more joy and satisfaction to relationships within our family unit. Keep reading to learn some of these strategies.</p>
<p><strong>1. Three good things</strong></p>
<p>Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, offers a quick and easy exercise that can train your brain to focus on the good. In your journal, at bedtime, make a list of three good things that went well during your day. If you want to improve the experience of parenting, make a list of what went well between you and your child. If you want more joy within your marriage, make a list recording the positive aspects of your relationship with your husband. Being the overachiever that I am, I like to spend a few minutes every night writing down every great thing I can think of, no matter how big or small. Another way to do this exercise, is to ask your children at dinner or as you tuck them in, to tell you three things that went well during the day as a common practice. This exercise has evidence supporting its effectiveness in lowering depression.</p>
<p><strong>2. Relish in the good</strong></p>
<p>In addition to recalling uplifting events at the end of the day, take some time to relish in your positive experiences as they happen throughout the day. Perhaps your children worked through an intense conflict, peacefully, and without your guidance. I encourage you to soak up the goodness of these kinds of moments by becoming mindful of the joy you are feeling as they happen. Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist, suggests that if we spend at least 30 second relishing in the good experience, that this has a powerful impact on your brain. Since many positive experiences are under-recorded by our brains, you actually have to put forth effort in raising your awareness of the good. Neurons that fire together, wire together so the more practice you put towards appreciating the good, the more automatic this process will become overtime.</p>
<p><strong>3. Increase positive interactions</strong></p>
<p>John Gottman, a research psychologist and relationship expert, has discovered that when couples have a 5 to 1 ratio, of positive interactions to negative interactions, they are more likely to stay together and avoid divorce. This finding implies that if we can increase the positive interactions between parent and children we will have more satisfying family lives and parenting experiences. The truth is, in relationships between family members, negative interactions will happen. Yet, our relationships are more likely to satisfying and long lasting be filled if we focus more on increasing our positive interactions rather than decreasing our negative interactions. This should come as good news, and possibly even relief! Let’s say you yell at your children or your spouse. Yes, this is a negative interaction. However, the relationship itself will be buffered against these kinds of injuries if there is a constant and high amount of positive interaction to balance things out. So, it will be worthwhile to start creating a multitude of positive acts of kindness, generosity, love, and affection.</p>
<p><strong>4. Caring Days</strong></p>
<p>Caring Days is a technique developed by therapist Richard Stuart that has been clinically shown to strengthen marriages. The following exercise has been adapted to be beneficial in raising warmth and positivity within families whom have children ages 6 and older. To do this exercise, sit down with your family at a time when everyone is balanced and content. Give everyone a piece of paper. On the paper write down behaviors, actions, activities, or events that you would like to see occur within the family. It will be important to request that the items are reasonable and attainable. Affordable material goods may go on the list, but the emphasis really should be more on experiences and actions that increase joy within the family. Some examples are to create a weekly game night, go out for ice cream, or get a backrub. Go ahead and list smaller actions such as a hug when greeting each other or saying goodbye. Make sure that everyone has around ten items on their list. Then place the list in an area that everyone can see. Over the next month, do what you can to start fulfilling items on the list. Every time you do something on someone’s list you can think of it as a “caring day”.</p>
<p><strong>5. Practice mindfulness</strong></p>
<p>I asked a well-respected marriage and family therapist, whose long-standing practice is dedicated to working with children with behavior disorders, to recommend some parenting tips to me. He told me that if parents want to transform the parent-child relationship, the one action they can take that offers the greatest hope for lasting change is that the parents start a mindfulness and/or meditation practice and teach the concepts to their children. This therapist has hefty anecdotal evidence illustrating that families can shift from conflict and chaos, to cooperation and connection, just by bringing mindfulness and meditation practices to all family members. Research supports the many benefits of mindfulness which includes lowered stress response, increased emotional regulation, and enhanced feelings of well-being. As parents, we could all use a big dose of these!</p>
<p><strong>References and resources: </strong></p>
<p>To learn more about the research behind positive psychology go to https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/.</p>
<p>To learn more about the work of relationship expert and research psychologist John Gottman, go to www.gottman.com</p>
<p>To learn more about Rick Hanson and his work on confronting the negativity bias, go to his website, www.rickhanson.net.</p>
<p>I read a great article the other day that briefly discusses the value of meditation, to read it go to https://www.rickhanson.net/meditation/.</p>
<p>Do you have any suggestions for how to raise the level of well-being in your family and parenting? Have you been able to override your negativity bias? I would love to hear about it. Please leave comments in the box below.</p>
</div></div></div>Mon, 23 Jan 2017 23:58:20 +0000Cristina Trette50167 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.comhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/why-parenting-may-feel-so-hard-and-what-we-can-do-about-it#commentsChoosing Serentityhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/choosing-serentity
<div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/choosing-serenity.jpg" width="900" height="596" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>The past month or so has been stressful. My schedule is jam-packed. Catching up, and staying on top of it all, continues to elude me. My three children have reacted to my intensity and have taken turns acting out in various ways.</p>
<p>About three weeks ago, on a Saturday morning, everything came to a head, when my family was in town. The morning started out great. I relaxed with my kids and their grandfather while drinking a cup of coffee. Eventually I noticed that it was time to get going on the day’s tasks and was frustrated when I had to switch gears.</p>
<p>We had plans to go sailing with friends and needed to leave in an hour and half. Regardless, I did my best to squeeze in breakfast, tidy up the house, do some food prep for lunch, and pack up what we needed for a morning on the bay. Through all of this, my older two children had massive meltdowns that I did not handle well. I am a parenting instructor, that teaches parents that yelling is damaging and ineffective. Yet, I have my bad days too and that morning I pulled out all of the parenting tools that don’t work, such as yells and threats.</p>
<p>I continued to rush through my tasks and rush the children through theirs. The more I rushed, the more irritated we all became, and the more they cried, the more I wanted cry.</p>
<p>There was a moment in the chaos that I experienced a sense of tremendous defeat and powerlessness. I walked outside and sat in my car because that was the only place that would be quiet. I wanted to drive away. I wanted to leave the responsibility of hosting family and caring for my kids to someone else. I briefly thought about a picture that a friend had posted on Facebook not too long ago. My friend wore a shirt that said, “I cannot adult today”.</p>
<p>I did not want to adult. I wanted to quit.</p>
<p>But I didn’t.</p>
<p>A bit later, I managed to get my kids in the car. I thought for certain the drama would end. Instead, things continued to intensify. I was at my breaking point. There was nothing left to do but breathe and go within.</p>
<p>Susie Walton, my mentor and Parent Educator and Family Coach, recently reminded me that chaos leads to change. The chaos I experienced that morning was signaling to me a need for change. It was time to slow down, simplify my life again, and reconnect with my children. And not just for that day, but in my life overall. </p>
<p>I drove while my kids continued to squabble. Then, I thought about a tool from a course called Freedom to Be that is taught by Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Company. This tool guides us to shift from a problem-ridden focus to a vision of serenity. The following quote comes from the process of Self-Acceptance that is taught in the course Freedom to Be:</p>
<p>“Recognize when I have lost my vision of serenity. Am I concentrating on what I could do to make myself happier right in this moment or am I sacrificing my happiness through blame? Often instead of milking more satisfaction from this moment I would find myself creating visions of the future turning out differently than how I want it to turn out. Instead of worrying and giving visual and emotional stream to what I don’t want to happen, I can switch my imagination to how I want it to turn out.”</p>
<p>I pulled myself together, did some internal shifting, and switched my imagination to how I wanted the day to turn out. Rather than continue down the path of negativity and blame, I chose to evoke joy – from myself. Soon after my children were responding to my love and happiness. I remembered that what happens around me is a reflection of my inner state. After the tumultuous morning, the rest of the day was harmonious. Everyone loved sailing, we enjoyed a nurturing lunch with family and friends, and that evening I was able to go surfing with my son.</p>
<p>There are so many tools and strategies available for use when confronting chaos or conflict. And I encourage you to begin exploring all the various ways your relationships can be strengthened by taking the time to go within and connect with your sense of self. </p>
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</div></div></div>Thu, 20 Oct 2016 14:00:53 +0000Cristina Trette49994 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.comhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/choosing-serentity#commentsChange your thoughts, change the way you parenthttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/change-your-thoughts-change-the-way-you-parent
<div class="field field-name-field-other-author field-type-text field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Cristina Trette</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/conscious-parenting.jpg" width="860" height="574" alt="conscious parenting" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>1. An event occurs which leads to thoughts</p>
<p>If you are like most parents, you will go through rough times with your kids - whether it is a public <a href="http://www.kidsinthehouse.com/toddler/behavior-and-discipline/tantrums">tantrum</a>, a bout of defiance, or siblings fighting. When parenting, events occur that can knock us off kilter. Let's suppose you are in the store and your six year old has a tantrum when you tell him that you will not buy a treat at the check out line. Beyond that, after you pay he refuses to follow you out of the store. Instead, he proceeds to lay down on the floor screaming. In this situation the parent may think thoughts such as, I cannot let him get away with this... he is a spoiled brat... how dare he do this... he is doing this to manipulate me...this behavior is intolerable... he has gone too far this time... Even loving parents think thoughts like this from time to time. And considering the child is having a tantrum in a public setting, which can be stressful and embarrassing experience to go through, it is normal to have thoughts like this! Yet, staying with these kind of negative thoughts will not bring you closer to your child nor will it enable you to elicit cooperation. So take some time to ponder what kind of automatic thoughts come up for you in the heat of the moment.</p>
<p>2. Thoughts lead to feelings</p>
<p>Thoughts such as, I cannot let him get away with this, will create feelings. A common feeling resulting from this type of thought is anger. Most parents know that they do not parent very well when angry. In fact, it is very difficult to do anything well when feeling anger as our bodies are designed to move into fight, flight, or freeze when angry. Therefore, It will be important to recognize that your child is not the enemy nor is he making you angry. Once you recognize that you are feeling anger, you will want to acknowledge it and feel it. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger! You will want to learn how to allow your anger to be present and let it flow through you.</p>
<p>3. Feelings influence what kind of action you take</p>
<p>But, lets suppose you end up taking action while you are feeling anger. When angry, you are likely to parent in a way that is harsh, forceful, or punitive. When you are happy, you are likely to parent in a way that is respectful, kind, and honors your child's dignity. Therefore, an important part of <a href="http://www.kidsinthehouse.com/toddler/behavior-and-discipline/effective-discipline">effective parenting</a> will be to not take action with your child until you are back into a balanced state. Of course, there will be times that you cannot do this due to safety reasons or just because we are all human and react impulsively from time to time. So for now, notice how your actions are affected by your feelings.</p>
<p>4. To shift this, begin by catching your thoughts</p>
<p>Now that you have taken some time to notice the types of thinking that leads you into a downward spiral be mindful to catch yourself the next time you get stuck in negative thinking. Sometimes you will catch it, and sometimes you won't. Be patient with yourself!</p>
<p>5. Next, check your thoughts</p>
<p>After catching negative thoughts, spend a few moments to check them. Is your child really a spoiled brat? Or is she just having a really tough time right now. Gather up some evidence on both sides. Maybe most of the time when you say no to a treat he says "ok" and keeps chirping along. Perhaps it is very rare that he has a tantrum when you say no or maybe he rarely asks you for everything. My assumption is that if you take the time to check your thoughts, you will conclude that your child is actually a pretty great kid most of the time but hits some bumps in the road on occasion (like we all do).</p>
<p>6. Lastly, change your thoughts</p>
<p>Once you become well versed at noticing and choosing thoughts, you can pause and change your thoughts. To do this, you simply replace the negative thought with a thought that feels better. I cannot let you get away with this is replaced with thoughts such as: My child is really struggling right now. My child would act better if he knew how. My child does not have the skills to cope with his disappointment in the moment. It is hard to be told that you cannot have something that you really want. There is nothing wrong with wanting a treat. I want treats sometimes too. I sometimes get upset when I cannot have what I want. I am the adult here, I do not like this, but I can handle it. I need to teach him how to handle his upset in a way that is socially appropriate. I will take a moment to care for myself before interacting with him. So on and so forth. Keep choosing thoughts that feel better to you. This will enable you to approach your child with love, acceptance, and grace while still being a leader, authority figure, and guide. </p>
</div></div></div>Thu, 18 Aug 2016 23:11:16 +0000Cristina Trette49709 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.comhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/change-your-thoughts-change-the-way-you-parent#commentsUnderstand the Root Cause of Acting Out https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/understand-the-root-cause-of-acting-out
<div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/screaming_boy_tantrum_crying_yelling_anger.jpg" width="414" height="414" alt="screaming tantrum toddler boy yelling anger" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>Sometimes children act out in maddening ways - tantrums, explosive fighting with siblings, or an outright refusal to comply with requests. When these kinds of behaviors happen too frequently in homes, they tend to be met with strictness, tight control, or even force. It makes sense that parents would want to "lay down the law" on these types of behaviors! It is not pleasant to be around children when they are in this mode and many parents have been taught to eliminate these kinds of behaviors through punishment.</p>
<p>Yet, punishment-based parenting advice is outdated. In fact, research suggests that punishment can make problem behavior even worse! What we know today is that children tend to act out when the level of stress they are experiencing in life exceeds their ability to cope. And unless mom and dad learn to look past behavior and consider the root causes of why their child is acting out, they are likely to overlook the possibility that their child is experiencing internal struggle and strife. Most children do not have the brain capacity or sophistication to articulate what is happening in their inner world in relation to situations and experiences. Therefore, when having a hard day, or when going through challenging life events such as changing schools, moving, or divorce, many kids will act out their feelings which can show up as angry outbursts or defiance.</p>
<p>​For example, lets look into the world of Matt, age 8. Matt's parents are successful, well-educated, and hardworking adults that are loving and attentive. Matt lives in a family-friendly community and attends a top-notch public school. Yet, his parents fight a lot after he goes to sleep. Last night he heard his parents fighting just after he got into bed. This worries him but he has never talked to anyone about it. Hearing the fight led him to stay awake an hour or so longer than usual. Then during recess he was excluded from a game with his friends, for the third day in a row. After recess Matt was very frustrated during Math because he did not understand the material being taught but was too embarrassed to ask for help.</p>
<p>On the way home from school, Matt was positive and upbeat and did not mention a word to his mother about any of his troubles - even when she asked him detailed questions about his day. On some level Matt knows he is troubled but he does not know how to articulate this. When the mother-son pair arrived at home, Matt eats a wholesome snack and gets started on his homework which is part of his daily routine. Suddenly, Matt becomes whiny. Whines quickly lead to screaming, a rude outburst, and refusal to do his homework.</p>
<p>Mom is feeling angry and baffled. What just happened? Her son has just become an angry and defiant little monster! Mom could raise her voice, lay down the law, and demand that Matt begin his homework RIGHT NOW. She could sternly remind Matt that he will not be allowed to play outside or enjoy screen time until all of homework is finished.</p>
<p>Perhaps mom starts here, but hopefully she does not stay here. There is another approach is more likely to elicit cooperation. Mom could look at Matt's outburst as a signal that something is going on inside of him that he is having difficulty with understanding, feeling, and expressing. Matt's mom would see that he is having a hard time coping - with something in his life - and she would seek to discover the root cause of his behavior. Mom will still set and hold limits, and maintain high expectations, but she will also allow space for Matt to feel and move through his feelings and make sense of what is going on. Until children learn how to feel feelings without acting them out, it can be messy. Part of the job of the parent is to help children move through this process.</p>
<p>Punishing poor behavior assumes that children act out on purpose and are deliberately choosing to be difficult. Although this may happen from time to time, my strong assumption is that most of the time children do not choose to act poorly. Rather, poor behavior is a sign, a symptom, a signal, that the child is experiencing difficulty with some aspect of his life which could include, but is not limited to, friendships, performance in school and sports, or the relationship with the parent. Looking at our children through this lens enables parents to get to the root cause of acting out behavior which is more likely to create long lasting positive changes in the way your child behaves and acts while also increasing closeness and connection within the parent-child relationship.</p>
<p>With this realization, Matt's mom will really slow down, move in for physical affection (assuming Matt responds well to touch), tap into genuine compassion and empathy, and become curious. With this approach she is likely to get more tears and an earful about the situations and events that are troubling Matt. And once Matt has gotten his troubles of his chest, feels heard, and re-connects to his mother, it is likely he will regain composure and be ready to tackle homework.</p>
<p>This approach takes patience, time, and a willingness on the part of the parent to be open to exploring the child's inner world. It teaches children valuable skills such as emotional regulation and responsiveness, gives them the ability to go to adults for help and guidance, models conflict resolution and assertiveness, and creates connection and closeness. ​</p>
</div></div></div>Thu, 19 May 2016 21:27:34 +0000Cristina Trette49706 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.comhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/understand-the-root-cause-of-acting-out#commentsVisualize your way to more responsive parentinghttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/visualize-your-way-to-more-responsive-parenting
<div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/woman.jpg" width="1280" height="879" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>Visualization, or mental rehearsal is a well researched therapeutic technique that has been shown to increase performance and lower stress response. Mental rehearsal entails visualizing oneself in a challenging or stressful situation as a way to practice responding. During the visualization the individual sees himself or herself moving through the challenging or stressful situation successfully and having a positive outcome.<br />
If one takes the time to do mental rehearsal, lets say every night over the course of a few weeks, he or she will actually re-train the brain to respond to stressful stimuli more effectively. Mental rehearsal can be used to prepare one self for a variety of situations include public speaking, job interviews, and athletic pursuits (my son uses visualization to prepare himself for challenging and difficult skateboarding moves). Really, the list goes on and on.</p>
<p>What does this have to do with parenting?</p>
<p>Well, parenting can be stressful. Tantrums, homework battles, defiance, and power struggles can lead to challenging moments between adult and child. Some moments are so challenging that a true stress response can take place within the body. Signs that an individual is under stress include rapid and shallow breathing, tension and tightness in the body, difficulty swallowing, and increased thirst. Have you ever noticed these sensations in your body when your child has a tantrum or when you are rushing to get out the door in the morning and your child becomes defiant?</p>
<p>Wouldn't it be nice if you could train your body/mind to respond to the stressful stimuli differently so that no matter what your child does you remain responsive, emotionally regulated allowing you to engage in effective parenting. To get specific tips on how to practice mental rehearsal so that you can become a more responsive parent read on!</p>
<p>1. Select one specific challenge that you are currently encountering with your child. If you can, choose a challenge that happens frequently.</p>
<p>2. Next, spend a little bit of time thinking about how you react to the challenge? Do you experience stress and overwhelm? Do you yell, threaten, or punish? Or do you become permissive?</p>
<p>3. Now, visualize the best version of yourself engaging with your child in the challenging situation. The images that come to you will be dependent upon your version of successful, productive parenting. See every detail. Relish in the how good it feels to parent in such a positive and responsive manner. Make sure to take long, deep breaths while visualizing.</p>
<p>4. Repeat step 3 over and over as much as you are able to. A great time for visualization is when you lay in bed at night after your child have gone to sleep. You only need to practice for a few minutes at a time.</p>
<p>5. When the real life challenge presents itself, notice how much more responsive you are! This practice works because the brain has responded to all the visualization as if they happened in real life. So by the time the real life situation presents itself, you will be seasoned at sailing through the challenge with grace and ease.</p>
<p>I would love to hear how this practice works for you. If you try it out, let me know your experience in the comments box below! ​If you would like to receive more tips like this, please visit my website at www.cristinatrette.com. </p>
</div></div></div>Wed, 09 Mar 2016 14:55:33 +0000Cristina Trette49582 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.comhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/visualize-your-way-to-more-responsive-parenting#commentsTurn towards your partner for more connectionhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/turn-towards-your-partner-for-more-connection
<div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/images90v789dm.jpg" width="275" height="184" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>Dr. John Gottman is a well know research psychologist and relationship expert who has conducted extensive research on what the happiest and healthiest couples do to create lasting, loving, meaningful, and committed relationships. In his book, "What Makes Love Last", Gottman teaches a concept known as turning towards each other. Taking on a general mindset of turning towards your partner or spouse can increase connection and reduce conflict. And the great thing is that is easy to do and can be fun to implement. To learn more, keep reading!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>1. Examine the way you and your partner reach out to each other</p>
<p>Gottman suggests that on a daily basis, you and your partner will make numerous bids for support, attention, and connection. Some examples of bids could include your husband asking you to help him fill out paperwork, wanting to tell you how a phone call went with a client, or telling you a joke. Bids can be seemingly minor or unimportant. But need behind the bids (for support, connection, and attention) are very meaningful and highly important. For example, one woman explained that while experiencing some conflict with her boyfriend, he offered her some yogurt. Unfortunately, the woman did not notice at the time that yogurt offering was a bid to re-connect. The woman dismissed him and remained stuck in conflict. She sees now that if she had smiled, made loving eye contact, and kindly thanked him for the offering (even while declining the yogurt) this could have been a moment for the couple to re-connect and turn down the conflict.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>2. Pay attention to bids</p>
<p>Here is the thing - bids can go unnoticed. Busy parents are consumed with careers, household duties, and children so it is common to overlook all of the small ways that their partners is reach out. If you do not notice most of your partners bids, then you can see how your partner may end up feeling unsupported, not heard, not seen, not valued, etc. So, start today by noticing all the ways, big and small, your husband makes a bid for your support, attention, and connection. Gottman found that the happiest couples are the ones that are highly attuned to each other and one way to be attuned is to notice bids.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>3. Turn towards</p>
<p>Hopefully you are already beginning to see the many ways in which your husband or partner reaches out to you for connection. Some bids are subtle, others are obvious. The next time he makes a bid, all you have to do is respond with interest and care. This is what is known as turning towards him. You do not need to comply with a request, drop everything, or even get into a discussion. Rather, you show him that you are there. At the minimum you can stop what you are doing for a moment, connect with him, and let him know you heard him. This is true even via text or email. If you have time and availability you can offer continued support, connection, and conversation. Some great ways to turn towards him are by offering humor, laughter, physical touch, and affection.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>3. Catch yourself when you have turned away</p>
<p>Maybe you are busy with the kids or caught up in your own problems of the day. Whatever the reason, there will be times that you don't notice a bid for connection. Or maybe you notice it, but you are unavailable for some reason. This will happen! Perhaps your partner reached out and you ignore him, withdraw, or say something to shut down communication. On the more extreme end, and more difficult to repair, turning away includes criticism and contempt (which is a topic for another blog post). Be encouraged to know that once you have noticed that you just turned away, all you have to do is turn towards him again. If for some reason you genuinely need space, then I recommend that you be lovingly direct and explain this to him. For example, tell him that you need some time to yourself but that you will be able to talk about the issue after dinner. Being clear and direct and expressing what you need and want is actually a wonderful way to turn towards him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>4. Have fun filling up your joint emotional back account</p>
<p>It can become fun and enjoyable to take on a mindset of noticing bids and turning towards your man. The reason for this is that you will quickly see how easy it is to create more joy and connection with this simple shift in how you respond. The truth is, it is easy to respond with interest and care to small bids. And in doing so, you will be filling up your "joint emotional bank account". So if he asks you what you ate for lunch, respond with warmth. If you have time, go ahead and ask him about his day too. Even if you super busy you can pause for a brief moment to connect with eye contact or touch. If you make a habit of consistently responding to the small bids with love then you will create a foundation of connection and support for your relationship to thrive on. Being there for each other in all the small ways will make it far more likely that you will be there for each other when something major and significant happens, and the need for genuine support is big. Enjoy!</p>
<p>I would love to hear how this works for you! If you try this out and get great results, I would like to hear about it in the comments box below!</p>
</div></div></div>Tue, 08 Mar 2016 17:32:51 +0000Cristina Trette49577 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.comhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/turn-towards-your-partner-for-more-connection#commentsUsing mindfulness to re-connect with your partner after baby arriveshttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/using-mindfulness-to-re-connect-with-your-partner-after-baby-arrives
<div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/baby_mom_dad.jpg" width="259" height="194" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>After having a baby, 67 percent of couples see their marital satisfaction plummet, according to research by John Gottman, PhD. The arrival of the first baby can throw parents into a total life change overnight. Many individuals, used to life with flexibility and autonomy, have a difficult time adjusting to the demands of a newborn, despite the fact that they love their new child. Some moms, who had been very successful in careers, find themselves overwhelmed with the daily tasks of newborn care which includes nursing or bottle feeding round the clock, middle of the night diaper changes, and periods of holding baby while he or she cries that can last hours.</p>
<p>There was a time when new mothers were showered with support from grandmothers, aunts, and sisters after a baby arrived. But today, many modern moms are caring for newborns at home in isolation. Unfortunately, the isolation is contributing to a host of problems, including marital distress. Learning how to care for a newborn without any support can feel a marathon that just won’t end.</p>
<p>Although the birth of a baby is exciting and joyful, a new baby can create significant stress. Many couples who would describe themselves as having a happy and loving relationship before the birth of the first child, may find themselves fighting after baby arrives. It is common for couples to experience conflict around finances, careers, division of household duties, sex, in-laws and extended family, and how each partner spends free time.</p>
<p>Since most couples choose to start a family this news may seem discouraging. Yet, it leads to a very important question. Is there anything that couples can do to ensure that their relationship will remain strong and connected even after the birth of their first child? Marriage and Family Therapists will be the first to tell you that there are many things couples can do to strengthen their relationship no matter what the situation. And one one way for couples to re-connect is by engaging in mindulness practices together.</p>
<p>Mindfulness-Based Relationship Enhancehance (MBRE) is just one of many programs out there offered for couples. In a study done at The University of North Carolina (Carsen et all, 2004), it was found that couples who committed to an 8 session MBRE program signfificantly positive benefits. Some of the results included increased: relationship satisfaction, relatedness, closeness, and acceptance of one another. It appears that mindfulness practices being actively applied once the baby arrives, or even before, can prevent a marital satisfaction from plummeting once the baby comes.</p>
<p>New parents may not have time to add anything else to their life with a baby at home (such as an 8 session MBRE program). Therefore it may be difficult to commit to course together outside of the home. Yet, some of these practices are simple to add to a daily routine. If the couple can set aside even 10 - 20 minutes a day for mindfulness practice together, perhaps while baby sleeps, they will reap the benefits of having a more connected relationship while becoming more responsive parents. Below is a short list of mindfulness practices to help you get started:</p>
<p>Silent Walking: In this practice, the walker remains silent while bringing awareness to all senses. The walker focuses on the movement of walking and on the way the foot and body feels when being lifted up and on the ground. Attention is also focused on the sound of the wind, the leaves rustling, the birds chirping, the way the sun feels on ones face or how the wind feels against ones body. This practice can easily be done as a couple, walking silently but together. After couples walk silently, they can have a discussion about what the practice felt like for them.</p>
<p>The Raisin: The raisin is an enjoyable practice for the couple to do together. Each person holds a raisin in silence for several minutes. The purpose is to focus all aspects of the raisin - the ridges, the stickiness, size, color, etc. Next, the individuals eat the raisin with a focus on chewing the raisin very slowly. Once the raisin is eaten, the couple can take turns asking each other questions. Questions asked can include are how does it look, feel, taste.</p>
<p>Body scan. When body scanning, the individual focuses on each body part and notices whatever body sensations, thoughts, or feelings arise without judgment. They can each take turns doing the exercise and state out loud or in their mind what they are experiencing. To start, the couple can lay down on the ground and get comfortable focusing on their breath. One person will have a turn while the other names the body parts out loud beginning with feet moving all the way up to the top of the head. Then the couple will switch.</p>
<p>Gratitude list: This is a wonderful practice to move into state of love, appreciation, and feelings of well being. The couple can do this short exercise any time such as at the start of dinner, while taking a walk, or when driving in the car. Each person takes a turn naming what he or she is grateful for and continues for around 5 to 10 minutes. This is a lovely practice to model and experience around young children as well. </p>
<p>Do you practice mindfulness with your partner or spouse? If you do, please tell me about the practice and how it has impacted your relationship in the comment box below!</p>
</div></div></div>Tue, 08 Mar 2016 17:24:17 +0000Cristina Trette49576 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.comhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/using-mindfulness-to-re-connect-with-your-partner-after-baby-arrives#commentsThe courage to stop yellinghttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/the-courage-to-stop-yelling
<div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/yelling_0.jpg" width="600" height="398" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”</p>
<p>― Haim G. Ginott, Teacher and Child: A Book for Parents and Teachers</p>
<p>
</p><p>When I made the decision to become a parenting instructor, it was in part, because I knew that I always parented more effectively when I was immersing myself in the practice of positive parenting. Not only did I experience more joy when I was with my children, but they were more cooperative too. After taking parent education classes, I also noticed that I was becoming more responsive and respectful with everyone I encountered, not just my kids. I realized that teaching parenting would not only help bring peace into the homes of others, but that it would also contribute to me becoming a better person overall.</p>
<p>Yet, shortly after becoming a parenting instructor, I discovered that I was still having a hard time handling really intense moments with my kids. Although parenting three children always requires my best effort, sometimes the kids have rough days where they seem to feed off of each other and take turns whining, fighting, or melting down. On these days, I admit, I would eventually reach a breaking point and yell.</p>
<p>I had to face the parts of me that were not serving my family, such as yelling. Yelling is damaging. Intellectually, I have always understood this. I never liked the way I felt after yelling but kept finding myself there. Yet, before I became adept at approaching stressful situations from a place of respect and mindfulness, yelling was a tool that worked. That is, yelling worked until one day it stopped working. Eventually my kids learned to tune out the yelling and they starting yelling too!</p>
<p>I had to get back to basics, slow myself down, and work with my children. First, I developed the courage to be mindful. Being able to change requires awareness that something needs changing. Second, I developed self-acceptance around my mistakes. It is very difficult to make changes when one spends a lot of time dwelling in self-blame and criticism.</p>
<p>My focus continues to center on remaining calm and grounded even in the face of chaos. Regulating myself helps my children regulate themselves which is a far better way to handle frustrating behavior than yelling. And the outcome is that my kids eventually re-organize themselves in accordance with my presence.</p>
<p>I have organized an eight step process that has assisted me with not yelling and I would like to share it with you. Most of this information comes from Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Company and Susie Walton's Joy of Parenting. If you would like to sign up for Susie Walton’s Joy of Parenting Online course, click <a href="https://mc208.isrefer.com/go/cartifst/cristina/">here</a>.</p>
<p>1. Measure yourself<br />How much are you really yelling? For a long time I minimized the yelling. I would tell myself that yelling was not that bad and even feel justified in my reaction because of what the kids had been doing at the time. The truth is, there is rarely a good reason to yell. Yes, sometimes yelling serves as a protective response such as when a toddler runs into a busy street or a child is about to tumble into something scolding hot. There are times when yelling is reasonable and may even prevent a child from harm. But the yelling I am referring to in this article is the I have had enough… quit your whining… knock it off… if you don’t stop crying I will give you something to cry about... kind of yelling. Even if you do not use this language, yelling is hurtful, unnecessary, and teaches children that yelling is acceptable behavior. It may be helpful to ask your spouse or partner to tell you with complete honestly how much yelling you are actually doing. If you bring in someone to help you assess yourself, assure them that their honesty is a gift that will assist you in your parenting.</p>
<p>2. What are your triggers?<br />Being in the car with my kids is a trigger for me. My children attend school 25 minutes away from home without traffic and with traffic it can take us 45 minutes on the return trip. There is something about us all being crammed into a small space, and the noise level that tends to come with the small space, that is terribly stressful for me. I have to work very hard on a daily basis to remain calm during our drive home from school. What are your triggers? Siblings fighting, defiance, and hectic mornings can all set the stage for yelling. A fantastic tool for tracking your triggers can be found at The Orange Rhino. This website is filled with loads and loads of support to assist you in your journey towards becoming a scream-free household.</p>
<p>3. Create a code word<br />My daughter and I came up with a code word to remind each other of our goals to remain calm and respectful. The word my daughter chose is cuddle (she is eight and cherishes snuggle time, which is becoming rarer as she grows up). Either one of us can say the word any time it appears that the other is heading down the wrong path. Sometimes the announcement of the words means we give a quick hug and stop the power struggle. Other times we actually move to the couch and have a chat about whatever is going on and needs to be addressed. Let your child pick the word that he likes and try it out frequently when you first begin the process of un-yelling. Upon choosing the word, you will both make an agreement that when either one of you says the code word you will take a break and calm down together or and agree to take a break and not re-engage until you are both calm.</p>
<p>4. Make a contract<br />You may want the contract to be between you and your older child in which you both agree to respectful behavior at all times, which includes not yelling. You can sit down together and write down the behaviors that you believe will lead to a mutually kind and cooperative household. Make certain to sign the paper and display it somewhere where you can both see it. If one of you veers off course, simply agree to have a discussion or make adjustments to the contract if necessary. I do not suggest using the contract as a tool for enforcing consequences. It is simply a reminder of positive actions that you are both striving towards.</p>
<p>5. Pay attention to your physical symptoms<br />It is likely that stress is slowly building in your body before you yell but you are unaware. Start turning in to the early warning signs that you are getting ready to blow. Common symptoms include increased heart rate, rapid and shallow breathing, tightness in your chest, clenched jaw, etc. When you notice your body reacting, this is a signal to you to let you know that you are heading into the red zone. Tune in to yourself when you start to notice your tension building. Sometimes just taking some deep breathes or rubbing your shoulders is enough to bring you back to a state of calm.</p>
<p>6. Acknowledge that you feel powerless in the moment<br />Many people yell because it gives them a false sense of power right at the exact moment they feel powerless. When things become intense, go within and pay attention to what is going on for you. It is likely that some negative thoughts or beliefs come up for you right before you yell. Try to catch these thoughts as they happen. Then replace the thoughts with more positive thinking. If you are thinking, “I need to be in control or I must make them do as I say” or even “I am a bad parent” change this to something such as, “I am a leader. I want to empower my children. Respecting my children will teach them to respect me”.</p>
<p>7. Focus on yourself first<br />Ask yourself, what is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now? My guess is that the response will not be to scream at the kids. Sometimes all that is needed to shift the dynamic is taking care of yourself so that you are able to be present with your child. Walk out of the room, go outside and breathe in fresh air, splash water on your face, or turn on music and start dancing. Last night, I started to get into a power struggle with my daughter. I was digging in my heels, insisting on my way as she was escalating her attempt to get what she wanted. I stopped, mid-sentence, told her I needed a break, and walked outside. I went and checked the mailbox and focused on re-gaining my center. By the time I came back, we were both ready to have a discussion. Then we came up with a solution that worked for both of us. If I had not taken care of myself, I would have forced her to back down. Yet it would have come at a cost to her dignity and respect. Taking care of myself allowed me to think clearly and work with my child.</p>
<p>8. Take care of your child<br />Once you are calm, address your child. Do what you need to do to take care of your child. Remember that all behavior is communication. Many young children are not able to let adults know what they need so they act out it out through their behaviors. Is he hungry, tired or thirsty? Does he need to rest? Maybe he had a rough day at school and needs to talk about what happened. Search for the root cause of the behavior rather than focusesing on the behavior itself. Extending kindness towards your child will lead to connection and cooperation.<br /> </p>
</div></div></div>Fri, 28 Nov 2014 19:13:51 +0000Cristina Trette47924 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.comhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/the-courage-to-stop-yelling#commentsTen easy ways to practice positive parentinghttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/ten-easy-ways-to-practice-positive-parenting
<div class="field field-name-field-article-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/sites/default/files/family_time_0.jpg" width="755" height="464" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>1. Get Quiet</p>
<p>We are raising children in a world that is increasingly fast paced. Many parents today are stuck in a constant state of overwhelm. If you meditate or have a mindfulness practice, you already know the value in stillness. Even if you are not interested in meditating, you can bring more peace into your life. Take a walk before picking up the kids from daycare or soak in the bath when everyone else is sleeping. If you are a stay at home mom with little ones at home 24/7 make breaks a part of your day. While your kids play at the park, sit on a bench and focus on breathing and allowing yourself to relax. Observe the beauty all around you and soak up the serenity in the moment whenever you can. Find what works for you to quiet your self and make it a priority.</p>
<p>2. Talk about the good stuff</p>
<p>Excessive complaining, not to be confused with a genuine need for venting and advice, is not serving you. Over the next week, make a conscious effort to reduce complaining. In our society, we are consumed with the negative. We talk about the evening news, political scandals, or local gossip. Although it may not be realistic to avoid all negativity, if 80 percent of your thoughts, conversations, and experiences are focused on the positive, it is likely that you will feel better overall.</p>
<p>3. Teach your children to talk about the good stuff too</p>
<p>Instead of asking your child questions that he can provide a simple yes or no response to, ask questions that are open-ended. Help your child take the time to think about how situations and events made him feel. For example, instead of asking, “How was school today?”, ask your child questions that get him thinking, examining, and talking. Some examples are, “What was the best part of your day?”, “Describe what you like best about the picture.”, “What was your favorite part of the presentation?”, “How does it feel to get an A in Math?”.</p>
<p>4. Practice acts of kindness</p>
<p>Place a nice letter under your son’s pillow thanking him for a way he has contributed recently. Pick some flowers for a vase to place in your daughter’s room. Small acts of kindness bring joy to the giver and the receiver. If you can, extend gestures beyond the walls of family. Pay the parking fee for the man behind you in the parking garage. Offer to buy your friend a cup of coffee. Bring in a dozen bagels for the teacher’s lounge at your kid’s school. Kindness is contagious and can quickly turn a sour mood into a happy one.</p>
<p>5. Start positive journaling</p>
<p>Many people keep a journal as a space where they can express their negative emotions. This is valuable as it gets the thoughts out of your mind and onto paper, making it less likely that you will store it inside. I suggest that you also purchase a separate positive journal. Keep the positive journal as a space for writing down thoughts, dreams, goals, and actions that make you feel good. Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology, refers to these journals as Blessings Journal. You can learn more at www.authentichappiness.com.</p>
<p>6. What went well?</p>
<p>One positive psychology tool is the “What-Went-Well” exercise. This practice involves taking the time to reflect on the positive aspects of our experiences. As mentioned, it is common for people to focus on the negative aspects of a situation or event. Seligman suggests that if you journal every night about three experiences that went well and why, you will end up feeling so good, that you won’t want to stop this practice. Examples can be simple such as my toddler staed in bed all night without a struggle or my husband surprised us all with our favorite treats from Starbucks.</p>
<p>7. Make a habit of being grateful</p>
<p>There are many ways to focus on gratitude. Some tape a gratitude list to their bathroom mirror. Others find that through journaling or silently extending appreciation works best for them. Find a way to have an attitude of gratitude. Susie Walton, the creator of a positive parenting course called, Joy of Parenting, suggests that families have gratitude feasts. Tonight, when you sit down for dinner, take turns expresssing what it is your are grateful for and why. Celebrate all the wonderful aspects of your life - both large and small. You can sign up for free positive parenting videos from Susie Walton by<a href="https://mc208.isrefer.com/go/Gen/cristina/"> clicking here</a>.</p>
<p>8. Become comfortable with mistakes</p>
<p>No one is perfect. Acknowledge and accept that mistakes are a part of the human experience. Teach your children to look for the beautiful purpose in mistakes they make. A fear of mistakes - and failure - will prevent your child from taking risks and being the innovative and creative individual that he is. Encourage your child to see mistakes or perceived failures as learning opportunities. One fun conversation I enjoy with my kids centers around asking them to tell me a mistake they made and what they learned from it. I take the time to tell them about my own mistakes, sometimes my mistakes even have to do with the way I treated them. During these conversations, I always make certain that my presence and tone excudes curiosity, warmth, love, and acceptance.</p>
<p>9. Catch yourself when you blame others</p>
<p>Your child is not in charge of your happiness. If you blame your frustration and anger on the behavior of your child (or anyone) it will be difficult to feel joy. Allow your happiness and fulfillment in life to come from inside of you. Everyone is at choice in how they feel in any given moment. Once you start acknowledging that you create your reactions to every situation and event, you will begin to feel more freedom and contentment from within. A dynamic course, called Freedom to Be, that is run by <a href="http://www.yourinfinitelifeonline.com">Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Company </a>provides wonderful tools for letting go of blame.</p>
<p>10. Create community</p>
<p>It takes a village to raise a child. The challenge today is that the village can be hard to find. <a href="http://www.partnersinthriving.com">Dr. Susan Wais</a> teaches a beautiful parenting course that is based on positive psychology. Wais tells us that research solidly demonstrates that individuals with a strong support system in place are happier and healthier. If you are raising kids in isolation, make an effort to reach out. Join a parenting group, sign up for a workshop or volunteer at your kid’s school. Getting involved in your community provides a convenient source for making friends and being a part of something meaningful. Sign up for the local 5k or volunteer at your local animal shelter. The list of ways to contribute to your community are endless.</p>
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</div></div></div>Thu, 20 Nov 2014 16:40:20 +0000Cristina Trette47902 at https://www.kidsinthehouse.comhttps://www.kidsinthehouse.com/blogs/cristina-trette/ten-easy-ways-to-practice-positive-parenting#comments