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What I have learned as a failure

Warning: may contain triggers for those who suffer anxiety
or depression.

This title is misleading; I suffer from an anxiety disorder.
I am constantly under the pressure that I am a total failure and cannot do
anything. It’s hard to fight against something that is all in your mind. No one
is telling me I can’t; no one is telling me I am a loser. I am telling me all
this. All day, every day for the last 24 years. That is a very difficult
pathway to come off of.

Something I realised today. There will be no point in my
life where I became a perfect human and it will be all gravy. I will constantly
struggle.

Life is damn hard.

I had no idea I would fall this hard. I never saw this
coming.

I am not alone.

We all face different struggles. We face pain we did not
expect.

It is okay. Not everything can be fixed. But we can adapt
and change.

I have grown in many ways the last 5 years. I have shrunk
into a strange little dark thing but I also fought against it and became a
better me.

I have become a better sister, friend and human. I am compassionate
and I believe that anyone can overcome anything.

You are strong. Nothing is ever over until you day so.

I am so against letting myself try because I fear failure, I
fear being exposed as a fraud. Fraudulent against what, I actually have no
idea.

I am putting up this post because I needed to. Something I
whipped out of my ass. Mostly for me. But if someone reads this and feels a
little bit better for a second, then I am cool with that. Even if you compare
yourself to me and think at least you’re not as weak as I am. Good for you. You
can get past the next 24 hours of life.

There is no direction here. It is the incoherent ramblings
of person struggling.

A lot of people I know are in pain at the moment. Loss,
illness, life in general.

I am in pain because I hate myself and I am the monster of
my own life.

I have not found a new pathway. It’s hard. 24 years of being
that monster.

This is a confession of a failure.

But damn, I’m not giving up. I will never give up. My
monster, my fight.

I have a lot of issues with ‘s’ words. "Should", "success", "scared", "shame".
They all, well, suck. They have baggage, a weight I can feel
in my stomach, my soul. I feel like my story
is broken, wasting away like a faded receipt. Can I get a refund on my mid 20’s?