Keeping Up With the Kardashians Recap: Nobody Likes a Debbie Desperado

The Kardashians are back! (But did they ever go away?) (No.)

The Kardashians are always just a tweet or an Instagram away, so it seems a little confusing to say that they're back — they never really leave. But Keeping Up With the Kardashians is back! And I'm every bit as excited as Kourtney was when she finally upgraded from a medium iced tea to a large (translation: very).

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This Week's Loser(s): Competitive MILFs.

Kim's a little irritated that the "cute" competition between her and Kris seems to be ramping up now that Kris is a singleton. What neither Kim nor Kris seemed to realize this week was that when you're in a MILF-off, nobody wins.

Larsa Pippen, who's helpfully/condescendingly captioned as "Scottie Pippen's wife," invites Kim to go to a pole dancing workshop, and Kris, who's newly single and ready to mingle, asks to tag along. Kris's attempts at stripping are every bit as awkward as the small talk she makes with Larsa, who cheerfully volunteers the fact that she and Scottie have sex three times each night. Kris professes huge amounts of jealousy. Kim texts furiously, stares into the middle distance, and pretends to be elsewhere. In that moment, we are all Kim.

Shortly after that, Kris announces, "Doing a personal photo shoot every once in a while is a lot of fun" — and just like that, she's half naked in the backyard with a team of stylists and photographers. All three girls show up and are properly horrified, but Kourtney puts it best: "That is so embarrassing for your life and your soul." Kris, now you're the person who's actually paying a team of people to take pictures of you half-naked in your own swimming pool. Don't be that person.

The thing about Kris is that she's both bold and shameless, and in some aspects of her life, those are positive traits — the woman's built an empire. (They are also probably a large part of what had Kendall sprinting out the door the second she turned 18, but that's neither here nor there.) And she's also right that she should be allowed to express herself and her sexuality no matter how old she is, and so I guess the argument I'm making is that this isn't about age. No one needs to take stripping classes with their children or pay people to take naked pictures of them. Put your top back on and try again next week, Kris.

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Hey, where's Kanye? We're not given an exact reason for Kanye's absence, but Kim assures us that he's proud of her for taking the pole dancing class, even though, "He's not like, 'Babe, dance for me.'" I'm assuming North was on a business trip.

This Week's Winner: Scott Disick. (WHAT?)

As one of the legions of fans who spent the early seasons of KUWTK yelling, "Leave him!!" at Kourtney every time Scott came on-screen, I'm surprised to find myself declaring that the Lord himself won last night's episode. (Not counting the part when he asked Kourtney, who was busy baring her soul by Kourtney standards, what she was so busy doing all day.)

Scott's been through the wringer lately, and he's still reeling from the loss of both of his parents in a couple of months' time. But this isn't a pity win — if I were in the business of giving out pity wins, Khloé would've won for the heartbreaking look on her face as she wandered around her house in one of Lamar's old sweatsuits.

Scott wins because he seems to be (and I'm aware that by pointing this out I'm likely jinxing him) … coping. He's depressed and he's anxious, but he doesn't break mirrors, cram hundred dollar bills into waiters' mouths, or go on a bender. He goes back to Miraval, the therapy-focused spa he and Kourtney went to last season, calls Khloé when he's upset, and addresses his anxiety by asking to spend more time with Kourtney and the kids. It's really weird, but it's impressive.

Scott also tells Kourtney (again — I feel like I've been watching them have this same argument for years) that he needs her to be more expressive and outward in the way she relates to him. He buys her a sport car and uses her under-reaction to it to prove his point. It's going to be an uphill battle. After all, Kourtney's the girl who says emoji are "a little dramatic for just an everyday text situation" and who has twice nonchalantly reached down and pulled a child out of herself without so much as quirking an eyebrow.

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"Oh, yeah, reality TV is fake" moment: There were (shockingly) a few, but the "surprise packing party" Kim sprung on Khloé was pretty obviously staged, mostly because it required viewers to pretend like there was nothing unrealistic about Kim volunteering to do manual labor.

"But this part seems pretty realistic, actually"moment: Kim's confusion about what to do when her pole dancing instructor tells her to slowly "undulate" her chest. "Slowly what?"

WAIT. Weren't we supposed to find out that Kourtney is pregnant? Yes! And we did ... only it was in the preview for next week's episode. But still: Kourtney is having her third child! Mason is now going to be a big brother to two.

Final Words to Live By: "I'd rather be a Debbie Downer than a Debbie Desperado." —Kim Kardashian West

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