LIES OUR PARENTS TOLD US

by Jill Layton ~ As adults (or adults-adjacent), there is something we must all come to terms with: parents lie. Not in a mean, malicious way, but in a mythical ‘don’t do that or you’ll die’ sort of way. They learned the myths from their parents, and we will probably tell the same myths to our kids. Full story here: http://bit.ly/1O8oKMq

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The swimming myth

If you don’t wait 20 minutes after eating before you swim, you’ll throw up. It was a real concern most of us had, because throwing up is the grossest (especially if you’re swimming in it). But you know what? I don’t wait 20 minutes after eating to swim anymore, and all my food stays in my stomach.

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The eye-crossing myth

If you cross your eyes for too long, they’ll get stuck. I’m crossing my eyes right now, and they’re not sticking.

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The TV myth

If you sit too close to the TV, you’ll go blind. It was probably not good for our eyes, but if we couldn’t find the remote, we had to sit close to the TV. There was no way around it. It was worth the risk.

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The wet hair myth

If you go outside with wet hair, you’ll catch a cold. Outside doesn’t give us colds. People give us colds. If we go outside in cold air with wet hair, and then play tonsil hockey with someone with a cold… yes, we’ll probably catch a cold.

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The Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy myth

If you don’t behave, they won’t bring you gifts/money. Lies! They always brought gifts. Also, they aren’t real.

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The farm myth

Reggie the dog went to live on a farm with all of his fun dog friends. No he didn’t. He’s dead. And now death is confusing.

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The watermelon myth

If you swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in your stomach and you will die. Almost positive there have been zero reported cases of a watermelon growing inside of a human.

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The milk myth

If you don’t drink your milk, you won’t grow big and strong. Milk didn’t make me grow big and strong, it made me run to the toilet.

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The dessert myth

Sorry, we are out of popsicles. Have a carrot stick. You knew you weren’t out of popsicles, because you probably snuck one up to your room before dinner.

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The “I can always tell when you’re lying” myth

I ate a popsicle before dinner, so no… you can’t.

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The toy store is closed myth

Toy stores don’t close in the middle of the day for no reason. They stay open, because they like money.

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The “We’ll see” myth

You want to go to the mall? We’ll see. “We’ll see” meant “I’m going to change the subject and hope you forget you asked to go to the mall.”

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The “I brought you into this world, I can take you out” myth

Well, technically, yes. But not legally.

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The thumb-sucking myth

If you suck your thumb for too long, it’ll fall off. I didn’t risk it with this one, so I’m not sure if it’s true or not.

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The “We’re leaving without you” myth

Your parents would never leave without you. It’s their job to keep you safe and alive. Leaving without you would compromise that.

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The pee in the pool myth

If you pee in the pool, a purple cloud will form in the water and follow you and embarrass you. This was terrifying, and I refuse to pee in the pool to this day for fear of the purple cloud. And for sanitary reasons.

"Don't touch that you'll break it!" No matter how seductive the temptation to experiment with random, seemingly indestructible objects - this catch all request has left a lasting impression on my psyche.

My mother used to tell me the white calcium deposits below my fingernails were from telling lies. I used to lie and then try to watch for it. Long after I'd lost interest I would see one and get so bummed because I missed it!