(HUSBAND trudges offstage/onstage with nail polish and applies it to WIFE’S fingernail)

WIFE

(crying)

You do everything for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

HUSBAND

Please don’t cry, baby. You’re my one and only, Wosker.

WIFE

I have to pish.

HUSBAND

You just went, baby.

WIFE

I have to go again.

HUSBAND

(begins to sing)

Come with me my love to the sea, the sea of love.

I want to tell you how much I love you…

(HUSBAND trudges with WIFE offstage/onstage to the den)

WIFE

I’m hot.

(HUSBAND removes blanket)

HUSBAND

Ok?

WIFE

I think I have to use the washroom.

HUSBAND

I feel kinda dizzy, true love. Can we watch TV for a while?

WIFE

Of course.

(pause)

WIFE

Did you forget I have to pish?

HUSBAND

Shall we call the girls?

WIFE

That would be nice.

(HUSBAND takes cell from his pocket, calls their older daughter and leaves a message)

HUSBAND

Hi, Yvette. It’s Dad. All’s good here. Will you please call, when you get a chance? Love you.

(HUSBAND calls their younger daughter and leaves a message)

HUSBAND

Hi, Rose. It’s Dad. All’s good here. Will you please call, when you get a chance? Love you.

WIFE

I want a mint.

HUSBAND

Wanna see a pic of your new granddaughter?

WIFE

Sure!

(HUSBAND shows pic on his cell to WIFE)

WIFE

Precious! So beautiful!

HUSBAND

Another?

WIFE

Absolutely!

(HUSBAND shows another pic on his cell to WIFE)

WIFE

Precious! So cute!

(crying)

I’m so sad.

HUSBAND

Why are you sad, sweet muse?

WIFE

I won’t see you!

HUSBAND

I’m not leaving you, baby. I’ll be here all night.

WIFE

I know.

HUSBAND

I’ll just be resting until 6 tomorrow morning.

WIFE

I know.

HUSBAND

You know, I need to rest, so I’ll be fresh during the day to bathe and dress you; and put on your makeup; and shop for food and supplies; and cook and wash the dishes; and take you to your doctors; and manage your med; and do the laundry; and deal with the care agencies and care providers and long term care insurance company; and make appointments; and pay bills; and…

WIFE

(crying)

I’m so sorry. You work so hard for me.

HUSBAND

I have to poop and moan and groan. Promise not to tell anybody?

WIFE

(laughing)

Sure.

HUSBAND

Will you please wait here, and not leave the room? Will you please wait….

(HUSBAND sings “I’m in the Mood for Love” melody and trudges with WIFE offstage)

HUSBAND

I’m in the mood to pish.

Pishing with you is thrilling.

Just say the word. I’m willing.

I’m in the mood to pish.

Am I a silly goose, or what?

WIFE

You are a silly goose.

(HUSBAND sighs and trudges with WIFE onstage to den)

WIFE

I’m hungry.

HUSBAND

You just ate enough to feed the 8th Army, true love.

WIFE

(laughing)

Ok.

HUSBAND

I feel kinda dizzy. Can we rest for just a few minutes?

WIFE

Ok.

(pause)

(HUSBAND’S cell phone RINGS)

HUSBAND

Hello? Yes, will you please send her up? Thank you.

WIFE

Who is it?

HUSBAND

The service is here.

WIFE

Who is it tonight?

HUSBAND

It’s Dymphna. She’s a saint. You like her.

WIFE

I don’t like her!

HUSBAND

You don’t like her?

WIFE

She dresses like a leprechaun and smells like Easter Sunday!

HUSBAND

Where’s your sense of humor?

WIFE

And, her name, her name is as pointless as zero plus zero!

HUSBAND

Whoa up, Wosker! I’ll Google it.

(Googles/reads Dymphna reference on his cell)

Saint Dymphna was born in Ireland sometime in the seventh century to a pagan father and devout Christian mother. She is also often shown holding a lamp, while some holy cards feature her wearing green and white, holding a book and white lilies. She is the patroness of those suffering neur-o-…

"You are rewarded not according to your work or your time but according to the measure of your love. Saint Catherine of Siena, O.P.”

WIFE

Why did they send that message to you?

HUSBAND

I don’t know. Maybe she was an importante Dominican, and her Fenwick goombah are celebrating her feast day. But I do know is this. My third grade teacher told my Gram that I loved to be loved, and before we were married, you told me you’d get r-e-a-l-l-y mad at me, but you’d always love me.

BIO: Chicago's J. Ray Paradiso is a recovering academic in the process of refreshing himself as an EXperiMENTAL writer and photographer. His photographs and stories have appeared in dozens of publications both in print and online including Chicago Quarterly Review, Storgy and Typishly. Equipped with graduate degrees in both Business Administration and Philosophy, he labors to fill temporal-spatial, psycho-social holes and, on good days, to enjoy the flow. All of his work is dedicated to his true love, sweet muse and body guard: Suzi Skoski Wosker Doski. Check out J. Ray’s work here.