A few inches changes the world.

Monthly Archives: July 2014

They tell you you’re beautiful. They tell you you’re beautiful, and you’re silly for not thinking so. Or you’re fishing for compliments. Or you’re being falsely humble- when you look back at them with disbelief, and say, emphatically, No, I’m not. They tell you you’re beautiful, while they leave you for someone whom you can see is actually beautiful; with a curvy feminine body, long hair, oval face with smooth skin, bright eyes, high cheeks. You can see she is actually beautiful, and you know there’s no competing with her beauty, you’d make the same decision too, if you were in his shoes. Why not?

They tell you you’re beautiful, and you know you’re not. Because you have eyes, and you are under no illusions of your own face, hair, body. Everything just stops short of beautiful. Sure, you doll yourself up. People have remarked on how nicely you “clean up” or change your look- it’s because you know how to do makeup and you can smooth over and improve your face- brighten your eyes, add contour. You can dress in clothes that lengthen, enhance curves. You can affect an air of attractiveness, confidence, somehow your heels bolster your feeling this illusion is working.

But, you know it only lasts so long, and as they are telling you you’re beautiful they are looking at a woman who actually is. And doing the math on how to politely get away from you and get near her. They tell you you’re beautiful, and they enjoy sleeping with you- that’s one point they aren’t lying on, but you’re never a girlfriend. You’re never the one they want everyone to know they are with. You don’t take pictures together, you don’t meet their friends. You are just something they do when they have time. And they tell you you’re beautiful.

They tell you you’re beautiful but they’re just unavailable. It was bad timing. You were too cold. But they’re not unavailable for the beautiful woman they are dating now, taking photos with, introducing to their friends. It’s not bad timing for the beautiful woman they pursue instead of you. The beautiful woman is not too cold, clearly her long hair, fine features, nice breasts are much warmer than anything you could give him.

They tell you you are beautiful and they certainly don’t want to hear you suggest you’re not. Because it doesn’t just uncover their lie- it uncovers their truth. That’s what comes down to it, you were pretty, but not pretty enough for them. They are just not deep enough to be with someone that is just not pretty enough, but has a big personality, is interesting, different, challenges their world. The fear is that if you uncover their lie they have to see it as well. No, you’re not beautiful, she is. And they don’t want you, because you are just not pretty enough. You might have everything else to offer, and they might laugh with you, stay up all night talking about their lives, hopes, and dreams with you, enjoy the little presents you show up with unexpectedly, marvel at what you introduce them to, really enjoy the fucking; but you’re just not enough to look at. She is, the one they left you to be with, or find. And they just don’t want that on their hands. That truth that no, you’re not enough for them to look at. Because who wants to admit to being superficial? We’re not supposed to be superficial. We are supposed to also be interested in what is beneath. But that’s just a lie as well.

They tell you you are beautiful and you hate the lie more than their leaving. Just leave. Go be with the woman that is beautiful, that meets your standards, but don’t stand there repeating “you’re beautiful” when you can both see through the bullshit. Because you both know if you were actually beautiful he wouldn’t be leaving. And these are all the things you’re not supposed to talk about. You’re supposed to accept that lie, and politely pretend to assume it just wasn’t meant to be, or something. And just quietly go away. You’re not allowed to say, No, I’m not, when you hear that lie. You’re not allowed to uncover the dirty truth between the two of you. Lay bare what is true. It’s rude, you know, to point out that you might be everything else, but you’re just not beautiful, and that makes you just not enough.