PALO ALTO, CA—Claiming that she needed a real man who could actually love and fulfill her, Priscilla Chan announced Monday that she was leaving husband Mark Zuckerberg for Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum. “I finally woke up to the lie I’ve been living—Mark just isn’t enough for me. He can’t satisfy me intellectually or physically, and the second I saw Onion Social, I knew I had to be with whoever created that ingenious, pioneering site,” said Chan, who admitted that she was looking forward to moving on and starting a new life with someone who really understands the power and potential of social media. “I need to do what’s best for me and my family. After visiting Onion Social, I quickly realized that Jeremy is a true visionary in a way Mark only wishes he could be. He has conviction, he’s strong and principled, and he’s the kind of man I want raising my children.” At press time, Chan announced that she was already pregnant with Rosenbaum’s child.

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