Tuesday, 16 September 2014

There's a new Bourne film on the cards from Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon, which is great news if you like the Bourne films I suppose. Let's be honest, it can't be any worse than The Bourne Legacy.

Obviously the most important consideration is what they're going to call it, and I don't know about you but I've always felt the Bourne films' titles to be a bit simplistic. So I've raided my Oxford Junior Illustrated Dictionary to come up with ten suggestions designed to a) be relevant to the plot, and b) teach everyone a new word. Let's vocabulate!

In which Bourne attempts to sell his unique skills to two competing buyers who, between them, force him to lower his price.

In which it is revealed that Aaron Cross was grown from within Jason Bourne.

In which Bourne, in hiding, makes a living as a botanist bemoaning the fact that he only has spores of one kind. Possibly not the most thrilling Bourne film.

In which Bourne canters about with a long face, eating hay.

In which Bourne must stop enemy agents from stealing the relics of long-dead saints from his local church.

In which Bourne masquerades as a European who makes a fortune in India.

In which Bourne, stranded miles from civilisation, kills an enemy agent and is forced to eat his raw flesh to survive.

In which Bourne attempts to answer the question of why God permits the manifestation of evil.

In which the key to proving Bourne's innocence depends on the forensic examination of microscopic slivers of wood.

Jeremy Renner stars in this vapid and unsophisticated Bourne film.
Oh no hang on that was The Bourne Legacy.