I have been trying very hard to stop eating fast food. I do very well on this except for breakfast.

Cooking at home, if not fun, at least can be interesting. Seriously. I have set the stove on fire, grabbed numerous hot items, cut myself and 75% of the time have the kids wishing I would have just made eggs.

Tonight...I decide I am exhausted because The Bug has the flu and per her doctors orders has been banished to her room until she hasn't run a fever for 24 hours therefore leaving The Grumpy Teen and I at her beck and call. I have now added to my "Things You Must Teach Your Children" list that though it is ok to have the urge to want to throw ice cream at someone because you are deathly ill and it's that time of the month and you wanted the caramel one not the vanilla one, you can't actually act on it. Because apparently, for my children at least, that doesn't fall under the common sense category.

Anyway, back to the I'm exhausted and I decide we will have fast food for dinner because I have worked all day, spent my lunch hour talking The Grumpy Teen out of murder while picking up the living room and folding laundry, all on very little sleep and at this point don't have it in me to care about their arteries.

We pass by Burger King because the line is long. We pass by McDonalds because that line is even longer. We decide on Wendy's because no one is there. RED FLAG!!! Or so you would think. Maybe there is a reason my kids lack in the common sense department...

I pull up to the menu/speaker. You can't see anything because they haven't turned the light on so here is how it goes...

Drive Thru Teenager: Can I take your order?

Me: Can I have one second please?

Silence...

I squint at the menu...

75 seconds later...

RUDE ARSE DRIVE THRU TEENAGER: *smacks her lips* I said can I take your order?

Me: *dumbfounded* Actually no you can't.

As I drive off I see her look at me through her little window and she says on the speaker...

Have a nice day!

I throw the car in reverse.

Park.

The Grumpy Teen: Please mom don't!

Me:Any other day, but not today! Just sit here a minute...

I go in all gung ho to say:

Me:Manager, can you step over here with me to your fingerprinted and I can only imagine whatever else might be on it window?

We walk to it so I can show her McDonalds....

Me:Do you ever wonder why people are willing to wait in that long arse line for food instead of seeing that you have no wait and come here? It is because you suck. So now that I have helped inform you of new knowledge could you do the same for me? Why would your drive-thru slacker act as if I am wasting her time WHEN YOU HAVE NO CUSTOMERS? I can forgive the fact that you are trying to save on your light bill by not turning the signs on because YOU HAVE NO CUSTOMERS, why can she not forgive that I need a minute to squint at your unlit menu? Why is she in that big of a hurry? Is scrubbing the toilets that important because it cant be that she is anxious to wait on other customers BECAUSE YOU HAVE NONE! Are you seeing my point, Manager? If you want that kind of line *I tap on the window pointing to McDonalds and then wipe my finger on my jeans* you might want to have a class on how to be nice to the, that's right....NOT MANY..., customers you do have. I'm going to go get in line somewhere else now but you put that in your Frosty and slurp it.

Instead after another teenage twerp went and got the manager I simply said:

If your drive thru girl is not wanting to wait for people to order, you might want to turn the sign's light on. It's kind of hard to see in the dark.

Yes, my imagination is way more fierce than my actual self. It's not so much I'm worried what they thought but more the look on The Grumpy Teen's face when I got out of the car that kept me in check. But let me just warn you now, when they are grown and raising their own families....IT IS ON, DRIVE THRU TWIT AS I PREDICT YOU WILL STILL BE THERE!!

For several months I have been thinking that I want a hobby. Well you know, because I have so much time on my hands! Something that is just about me and not a child, parent, sister, co-worker, friend. But you blog, you say? Blogging is more like free therapy, not a hobby.

Gardening: Aside from having a cement patio, my children are lucky that I remember to feed them. A plant with no viable way (ex: a giant mouth with a side of you birthed (is that a word?) me so it is your job attitude) to remind me to do so, is doomed.

Book Club: I personally love to read! LOVE! However I don't know a group of ladies that would A) Not want to throw the books at each other. B) Not have to be bribed with alcohol. Oh and C) READ! I can see it now...I am sitting on all the copies of the book of the month after I had to take them away while someone slurs "Why are we here again?"

Cooking/Baking Class: This is something my children would actually use their allowance to help pay for...but I would like for my hobby to not help add to this cute but chunky face!

Exercise: Do I really need to say anything?

Arts and Crafts: Ummm...then why would I need to go to the flea market?

Video Games: This one I have tried. Online even. With a friend. But let me just say something, and I mean this with no disrespect....MMORPGs ARE FOR HARDCORE NERDS GAMERS AND NOT THE AVERAGE HOUSEWIFE NOOB! If you screw up a boss fight.... Stabalot will hack into your computer, find out where you live, show up wearing their Battlegear of Might in all its glory and try and kill you with their Finkle's Lava Dredger while you sleep!

Pottery: This one use to be #1 one on the list and the only thing that makes me not choose it is the fact that the start up costs for something you may or may not like are too great and since the kids wouldn't be handing over the allowance on this one, it's a no go.

So after ALLLLLL this...I get to the point. If I can find someone to teach this ol'dog a new trick I want to play the guitar! I mean I sing the part all the time. How hard could it be to learn it? Plus I am sure to find a used one at the above mentioned flea market and then when I become an expert, I can make the grumpy teen have jam sessions with me! He is bound to think I'm cool then! I'm sure of it!! I will let you know how this pans out....

I had no idea it existed. Perhaps it is something I have blocked out from when I was that age but I honestly can't remember it being this way....

It is my Saturday to bring snacks for after Bug's soccer game. Even though it is suggested we bring water and orange slices most parents bring chips, cookies, and soda. Not wanting to upset the coach, but not wanting to be the mom that brought orange slices, I opt for Gatorade and chocolate covered granola bars.

Bug: "Mom. I don't think this is a good idea."

Me: "Meh, I am THE expert on snacks! Expert!"

Bug: Rolls eyes.

Me: "Seriously, I bet you $1 (because that is probably all she has) they will love them!"

We shake on it.

Bug: "You'll see. Then they will hate when it's my mom's snack turn again. That is NOT going to be cool, just so you know!"

After the game...

Bug: Strolls up with the empty cooler. "Everything was gone before the game was even over!"

Me: "Bug, I can't decide this for you. What you need to realize is you're not just making a decision on who and who not to invite. You are making a decision about the type of person you are going to be. A person who makes choices based on other peoples opinions or a person who makes her own choices."

She invited everyone. 2 of the 3 that said they wouldn't come, didn't. A great time was had by all. And just so you know, my few readers...that is my daughter and I'm a proud mom!!

I would like to think of myself as being hip (saying that word completely makes this statement default to untrue, but yeah) when it comes to music but sometimes I would like to smack younger folks of today. Example:

We are in the office with T.H. at her desk, youngest sister in her spot playing on her laptop, and I'm at my desk working on what could have been accounts, what I would talk to some of the contractors about or maybe Farmville, who knows really, but I was uncharacteristically concentrating. T.H. and I no longer have working speakers on our computers and there isn't a radio in sight, so the younger sister is playing tunes on her laptop. This is annoying in itself because the speakers are horrible and make me want to claw my ears off. What makes this situation worse is her choices in music.

Note: We agree on many, many songs but on occasion our age difference will surface.

Ok, back to setting the scene. She is across the room with what sounds like death coming through her speakers plus I think if I remember correctly she might be singing along. I simply stare. Stare is too light of a word so we will change it to glare. I never say a word, just continue to glare at her when she looks over at me (sisters intuition and all)...

"What!?" she says glaring back.

"You think maybe you can turn that off?" I ask. This is my version of the tale so I remember asking "politely" and not hissing at all.

"No, I love this song!" she hisses!

I listen to the words for a minute...

"Really??" I counter.

"You feel like you are living a teenage dream?" I ask "politely".

"Ummm, this is Kate Perry! Do you know how popular she is right now?" she is getting angry.

"You like some of her other songs!!" she harps.

Some growling happened I can't remember the specifics.

"Let me ask you this...will this song ever be on the 98.1 The Max or Rock 103?? (that would be the 2 classic rock stations in this area) Hmm? Will it?? No! I don't flippin think so! Turn it off!" I'm sure I was still polite.

"I will not!" she isn't being polite.

It is one of the few times in our sisterhood that we fight because usually she is very good at handling my "politeness".

One more example before I get to the point:

I flag a car down that was driving through the complex. He is the husband of one of my favorite tenants. Very nice guy.

"I need you to turn your music down when you are in the complex, please." I tell him.

"But I've heard your music pretty loud before." He argues but he isn't being rude.

"Ahhh but my music sounds good!" I smirk. He laughs, turns it down and waves goodbye.

My point: When you are playing music that is good let me define good....Good Music: not something that has been remade, not something that is a remix, but something someday someone will want to remake or remix....then you have the right to disturb me with it. Otherwise, this old lady is going to ask your young derriere to turn it down! Just call me Mr. Wilson and get off my lawn!

~Kids back-to-school shopping should be a form of torture that interrogators use!

~I wish I had a horn that sounded like WHA-OOOO-GA. Then it would be an even more perfect car!

~I should buy stock in McDonalds.

~I seriously would have been a great hippie except a shaving one.

~My children notice shapes in the clouds, know the words to songs I grew up listening to and even dance with me to them, and as old as they are, are still amazed by lightening bugs. This makes me more proud than any report card.

~I must kick my sweet tea addiction. YA RIGHT! Someday but not today.

~Wishes teachers knew how awesome a parent feels when their child comes home at night all yappy because they were excited about class that day.

I only have a minute because I have to get ready for work but I neeeeeeeded to blog. I just dropped the Bug off at her first day of middle school this morning. This is something I have been dreading for many weeks now and had to fight back tears. I almost lost that fight when we pulled up in the drive and she let out a I-can-do-this breath!!

"Do I look like a boy?" she asked.

"No way, you look so very cute!" I answer as a proud mom.

"What if I look like everyone else?" she asked.

This is where I decide I need to be as normal as possible so that she feels like one thing is consistent in this big day of change so I say...

"Ummm...you are wearing a uniform, nubsauce! Of course you will!" in my best supporting mom voice. She rolls her eyes, tells me she loves me then gets out of the car...

A million things run through my mind as the tears can finally run down my face...Will she be ok? Did I give her enough lunch money? I will beat up any parents whose children try and bully her. Crap, what if she is the bully!?? Will she remember her bus number this afternoon? I can go on and on...but the number one question that keeps running through my mind is...Did I prepare my little baby Bug...the one who calls mascara...Madagascar, who I will not allow to have a cellphone, who still hugs me goodnight and occasionally even looks at me like she still likes me...did I prepare her enough for this new journey?? We shall see....

If you had told me 4 months ago that I would be sitting here in this...this...limbo, I would have told you crack is bad. It has been a long, long journey. One that almost broke me. For those that say what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger....I have 2 words for you. Bite. Me. No seriously, there might be a little truth to it...

There was a trip to jail ( a thirty minute trip, but the clink of those bars truly made time stand still.) Then the flood that wiped out my vehicle and the entire downstairs of both the apartments I was occupying. Not to mention the 197 other apartments it effected. A third of those occupied with people who also lost everything.

After several months of staying with my parents (6 adults, 4 adolescents and 3 dogs), red tape, lists and paperwork out the wahzoo with FEMA (I thank them every time I open the door to my new place), car shopping (you would think that wouldn't be in the complaint section, but seriously, I would rather eat dirt!), all while dealing with upset tenants, contractors, city inspectors and just the overall curious (because nothing brings out the wackos like tragedy) for many, many hours several days a week we have finally brought the 1st few families home. Myself included!

My apartment is..I can not find a better word than...mine! There isn't a room I walk into that doesn't make me giddy! Even the laundry room. The spirit crushing minivan drowned and after weeks of searching we found a little convertible that the kids and I can't stay out of (BIG HAIR FOR THE WIN!). I have lost unreplaceables along the way and they will be missed but I keep them and their memory with me always...