It is estimated that at least 1 in 25 people you come into contact with on a daily basis has no conscience at all. No capacity for love, or empathy for another. They hide in plain site completely aware that the majority of us don't know their secret. However, once you become useful to such an individual you slowly but surely will find out the horror.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

How to Know if You are Involved with a pyschopath/sociopath.

It is very hard to detect a psychopathic personality in the very beginning of a relationship. There are however a few red flags to watch out for. A psychopath/sociopath needs what Dr. Sam Vatkin (author of Malignant Love Narcissism Revisited) "narcissistic supply". The supply for a narcissist is life, a human to control and manipulate. Without this supply the narcissist feels as if he/she is dying. This means the person will be in a hurry to get the relationship going. It'll move at a quick pace. He/she will shower you with compliments, phone calls, dates, gifts, and basically become everything he/she knows you are looking for. In the beginning he/she may ask a lot of question about you trying to gather as much information as possible in order to become all that you desire. With my narcissist that wasn't the case however. He spent most of the time talking. He loves to talk about himself. But, in general the narcissist will zero in on you with an almost predator glare as you're sharing information about yourself.

The narcissist will seem to have developed an emotional attachment to you rather quickly. Again, this is to ensure they'll be able to have their narcissistic supply met. The don't really feel any of the professed emotions they are expressing. They are playing a cat and mouse game with you. You of course are the mouse.

Psychopaths have a difficult time expressing true emotion, empathy or feeling. So, early on discuss deep emotional impactual topics. Don't allow them to get away with a superficial explanation. As meaningful questions. Try to get an opinion on topics such as politics. Psychopaths care very little about anything that doesn't directly involve them. Chances are he/she will find it difficult to have strong opinions one way or the other. They simply don't care.

Does this person have a string of short term relationships? This is a red flag.

Do they readily take responsibility for mistakes, or events in his/her life? When you have a disagreement or difference of opinion does this person appear to be offended, insulted, even angered by this? A psychopath takes differing opinion, thoughts and feelings, as personal attacks.

The following links will explain in more detail how to spot a psychopath/sociopath.

Before going to these next links, let me just say if you are a kind, compassionate, caring person who believes most people have the best of intentions and are as equally as caring as you. If you are a trusting person who generally puts the needs of others before yourself, then you are a prime target for a psychopath/sociopath. They don't live in the same mental state we do. Their moral compass is one you can't fathom in your wildest dreams. Because YOU are a person who has great empathy and capacity for love. Sociopaths/psychopaths at first appear to admire those traits and qualities in you greatly. Then they'll begin to resent you, loath you and torture you for those very same traits that they have no understanding or reference to comprehend.

If after checking this blog you think you may be dealing with a person with borderline personality proceed with extreme caution. These predators and I realize it is extremely hard to see the person in your life as a predator, but that is how he/she sees YOU if he/she truly is a sociopath/psychopath. You are prey to them. You are the next victim to control and manipulate like a puppet on a string. Once you are in their grasp it is VERY, VERY difficult to get out. You'll find yourself feeling like your living the Stalk home Syndrome where you know you should get away, you know what this person is dong to you doesn't feel right, but you are conflicted because they drop you just enough crumbs to keep you sniffing down their trail, only to snare you in their net when you get there. You'll struggle to be free, once free you'll find yourself almost beyond your own comprehension back on that trail searching for the crumb you know is a trap. But, somehow you have a glimmer of hope that MAYBE this time that crumb will lead you to a full course meal that'll nourish you to fulfillment. It won't. You'll be left starving, tortured, miserable and feeling trapped & weak from the journey wishing you never would have stepped out into that battleground in the first place. I'd say run, like the plague is after you from this person. For that is what they are. I say this all the while still loving and having great compassion and concern for my beloved sociopath. However, my instinct for survival is stronger then my concern for him. I will also have compassion and be deeply saddened that this person has been born with a brain that doesn't allow him the full human experience. It's the hardest thing to swallow ever. The person I thought I knew, loved, and shared many experiences and moments with never existed. I mourn his loss, just as much as I weep for the one who is in his place unable to fully connect, love, feel joy or deep relationships the way most of society can. It is a tragedy beyond words

3 comments:

This post really touched me. I really admire you for taking the time to create this website -- thank you. I, too, was involved with a sociopath who was a relentless cheater and liar from 2006-2011. Even during the relationship, I researched various mental disorders because I had never met a person like him. Even after figuring out that he fit the sociopathic profile, I still stayed. I was bound to him, and I was ashamed of myself for that. In 2011, I was able to leave upon urging from close friends. Unfortunately, I let him reel me back in (because I missed him) in Sept 2012. I just found out that he is cheating and has been during just these few short months together. What is more scary (other than an STD scare) is that I also believe he was the one who filed a fake tax return with my information last year to receive a significant refund (thereby, messing up my own REAL taxes). I also believe he had someone break into my mother's home last year to steal my diaries (without confessing, he returned most of the diaries to me). Mind you, both of these incidents occurred when we had broken up and were not in contact with each other. Even when we were broken up completely, he was still interested in me... which scares me. I need to get away from him (again and forever), but I am fearful of how he will victimize me in the future, even when I am no longer in his life.

The only person that can victimize you, is you. You can choose to allow it, or you can choose to be your greatest protector. It is my belief that we are on this planet to become the greatest love for ourselves. In loving ourselves we are free to love others. I'm glad this post touched you. Non of what you describe is surprising. It is clear this person is a sociopath and likely won't leave you alone until he has another ready victim or 2. Sociopaths enjoy what is called triangulation. They typically have 3 victims at time in various stages. You know that old Janet Jackson song "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" think of that statement. Think has this person done anything that was all about you and in support and consideration for you? Likely not. The relationship is all about serving his needs. Reading diaries and invading privacy is also very common for sociopaths. What greater way to manipulate you than to know your every private thought.

Look up some of the links and blog entries about breaking the cycle of addiction to this person. You may find something helpful for breaking free of him in them. Best of luck to you.

I resent that you lump psychopathy and bpd in the same category. Yes they can co-occur but psychopathy can co-occur with many things and BPDs usually have other co-occuring problems like depression, anxiety, and drug/alcohol abuse. Based on my own research and therapy with an expert in BPD, we have problems with impulsivity as well but our challenges are entirely different. I am sorry that you experienced such a horrible relationship with an individual who is basically incapable of loving another. It took a lot of courage to let go and stand up for yourself. But Bps are not all like that. Many of us weren't properly loved ourselves and the struggle inside us hurts us more then anything. You do not seem to even try to sympathize or empathize with that at all. It is hard to have any hope when I read things like that. Reading things like this just adds to my struggle and give me more of a reason to kill myself. If everyone thinks we're psychopaths when we're not, anything is better then living with that kind of stigma and shame.