John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...

There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it.
Then...

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...

met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and...

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...

was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It...

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...

for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he
rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do...

before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman...

!
This is not a joke but is a brilliant laugh. ENJOY
HERE is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I...

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says...

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...

her class where a character got "totally freaked out" by something. She stopped reading and told the class, "Let's talk about being freaked out! When I call your name, come to the blackboard and draw something that freaks you out. Kevin?"
Little Kevin came to the board and drew...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
> sports car and
> was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
> blonde.
>
> The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's
> license. She dug through her
> purse and was...

A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?"
His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...

I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to my shrink and told him:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink...

and found a bargain.
“I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to...

Whiskey from his house owner - John's Bar and refill it with some water always.
John soon realized the cheat Jack was doing.
Once while John n his wife were seating in the Living room.
While Jack was busy making some food in kitchen,
John shouted from Living room
"Jack are...

Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the...

receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The...

for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said.
'Hey, Ole! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Ole got excited by this, but just then...

Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Michael.
"Michael,Michael " she yelled...

and the king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt no matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, everything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...

City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, What's this, Paw? The father responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what...

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that...

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...

I used to be like this...
Then I met a girl...
She was like this...
Together, we were like this...
I gave her gifts like this...
When she accepted my proposal, I was like this...
I used to talk to her all night like this..
And at the office I used to do this...
When my friends...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...