Saturday, July 19, 2008

I recently wrote this little article, that was recently published! It's about how proud I am to be YOUR grandmother, your brother's grandmother, and Luna's grandmother!

I am not a beautiful woman... just ordinary, but like most women, I was attentive of my appearance. Not overly so, though. A clean face, blemish cream, a touch each of blush, mascara and powder were all the cosmetics I used. When people guessed my age to be younger than was so, I secretly smiled inside and enjoyed the moment.

At 45, I became a proud and doting grandmother. I took Savannah with me everywhere while my daughter worked. (I worked the night shift at the hospital then.) Often, while in the grocery store or at the park, people would imply that I was Savannah’s mother. “Are you going to carry this bag for your mommy?” a clerk would ask Savannah. I always kindly corrected the clerk, the librarian or other folks that I was Savannah’s grandmother and took a modicum of pleasure in their incorrect assumptions.

As the years passed and two more precious granddaughters arrived, assumptions that I was Savannah, Mari or Luna’s mother greatly decreased. No one ever asked or intimated that I was Luna’s grandmother though. Because Luna is of Korean, Caucasian and Latina heritage and I am very pale, people would ask if she were adopted or tell me it was a wonderful thing I had done, rescuing her from China! It made no matter to me; I loved being a grandmother to these precious girls.

Storm clouds approached and my youngest daughter estranged herself from me. As an added punishment, she banned me from having any contact with Savannah and Mari. I cried for months. Nothing worked to reconcile her to me. I missed my daughter and those granddaughters that I had practically raised. We adored each other - those sweethearts and I loved each other so much and were together constantly. We had made a “girl’s room” in our home for them, with pink walls and a baby rabbit wallpaper border. A pink and white quilt on a queen sized bed, shelves of children’s books and drawers of coloring books and toys filled the room. Blue’s Clues shower stickers were on the shower wall and little girl’s bath products and toothbrushes abounded in my bathroom. This made me SO happy.

I sat in a deep depression for a year. I cried rivers. After more than three years, I have slowly come to (mostly) accept that I won’t see Savannah, Mari or their two little brothers for a long, long time. I still have a broken heart and dream of them most nights. I still have time with Luna and my other daughter, and for that I am VERY grateful.

Back to my appearance... I have aged immensely in the past four years. The cry lines under my eyes are permanent, so they seem, especially since I tend to “refresh” them from time to time. No amount of sleep or face creams have helped. I acknowledge the folds and furrows under my eyes now as part of who I am. I don't fret over my appearance any longer, though I still use make-up and do my hair!

Last week, at the playground with Luna, my five-year-old granddaughter, a boy of about 12 asked me, “Are you her grandmother or something?” Immediately, I felt proud and replied with a smile, “Yes, I am her grandmother.”

I thought for a moment, I am SO glad that my first response to that question was pride and not remorse for appearing to be a grandmother! The more I thought about it, the better I felt! I am SO proud to be a grandmother. I LOOK like a grandmother and that is OK! In fact, it is wonderful and liberating!

All stages of life have their benefits and I am grateful to be where I am. I pray and pray that one day my daughter’s heart will soften and I can be a grandmother to Savannah and Mari and their two little brothers whom I don’t know. In the meantime, I scrap the girl’s precious photos and hope. I also beam at the title “grandmother.”

~ A PROUD Grandmother!

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I sure hope you girls are having a nice summer! I wonder if your school will go to a 4 day school week this fall. Did you go to the splash parks? I wondered if you went to see fireworks on the fourth as well.

We're getting ready to go to Colorado for a while. Luna asked that we be there for her first day of Kindergarten, and we are going. We might have gone up sooner, to escape this heat, but I need to have a second MRI. We'll go soon after, and come back if I need treatment. The heat sure does bother me more and more with each passing year! I look forward to the cooler weather, and cool breezes at Tia's house!

Luna and Tia got a new dog! They still have Botas, but they got a rescue dog- a blondish-white lab mix named Scarlet! She is really a digger and recently dug her way out of Tia's yard! Yikes! We've been caring for Thunderboy all this month and we know Cualli will miss him. We're sort of thinking of getting a smaller chihuahua for company for her.

Here's a picture of Cualli and her beloved squirrel toy! (It's a Beanie Baby dog toy!)

Love you girls more than chicken! Remember, I think of you a gazillion times a day, and love you more than chicken!

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Since I am feeling somewhat better these days, I thought I'd write more often! I was able to post the last note to you without crying, so I'm giving it another shot!

Remember the Blue's Clues stickers in my shower? Well, they are still there, and I thought I would show you! You are both too big now to really care about Blue's Clues anymore, but they were a part of your past at my house!

Your yellow colander of toys is still here too! It was a joy to have Luna play with them a few weeks ago. She LOVED playing with them, but she said she did not remember playing with you girls in the tub. She does have lots of pictures though of those days though! I sure hope that you can meet up with her again one day and be happy cousins again. She REALLY misses you girls! It goes without saying that PopPop, Tia, and I REALLY miss you too!

Now for NEW stuff! I am redoing my bathroom in CRABS! I still have your stickers and some of your art work, along with that picture of your mom and Tia in the Mexican frame on the walls.

I decided to make my bathroom whimsical, and the crabs DO make me smile! Here is a washcloth! I found all the things on sale at our favorite store- Target!The hand towels- TA da!

A crabby frame of my three precious granddaughters! (The photo does not show up well, but it is very clear in real life!

I haven't done a WHOLE lot of smiling the past few years, so I can really use this! I started cleaning out your shoes in the closet of your room, but did not last too long. There are about 12 pair of outgrown shoes that are SO cute and sweet. I packed up as many as I could in a box to keep, but I could not stop crying, so I quit. I also plan on packing up your Cherished Teddies and Painted Ponies collections for safe keeping - to keep dust off, as I can't go in your room easily. I did sleep in there with Luna while she was here... I looked at the glow-in-the-dark stars that you girls just loved, and got tears in my ears! Don't worry Mari, Luna did not touch the teddies or horses. It was so sweet to cuddle Luna in there, and memories of cuddling you girls, and reading stories and playing in that room flooded back. I miss you so so so much. Thinking of you is all I have and even wonderful memories feels like a stab in the heart. Still, I think of you ALL the time. I am CONFIDENT that one day I will see you again- when you are older. I love you so so much. Even though I know I am the grandmother, it still feels like I lost my own children. We were so so close. We are close, as I know you still love me and Pop Pop.

I love you more than chicken, and will always be your grandmother!Love, Mom Momx0x0x0x0x0x0