My Tabs

Apr 17, 2010

I once thought of you and me as two people trapped in a room full of people, looking for someone to fill something that was missing in our lives. Something that one found in the other. And then there was this glass wall between us that can’t be broken because .. it was just there. Maybe because we didn’t try. To say that the love wasn’t enough would be an insult to what we had. No matter what, the glass wall was bigger than the two people longing for each other on either side. And we were but, two people forever fated to watch. And wish.

And now, I see you disappearing into the crowd, away, never to be found again, and it hits me with a force of a million bricks. The fact that I can’t lose myself into the crowd, because always, always, I will keep coming back to this place where I saw you last. Because I will keep returning, hoping to find you here. Hoping to see you behind the glass wall, still away from touching you. But seeing you. The thin thread that keeps me from going insane. Your face. The familiarity of your face and your eyes. I will keep coming back to this place, just in the hope that you will miss me as much as I miss you.

Remember that one walk we once took down Colaba Causeway? When I saw those crystal stones I fell in love with, and we found one that looked so seamless it was like it wasn’t broken. But it was, the perfect sphere breaking open revealing a beautiful crystal world inside it? And how the pieces fit so perfectly together, it was like they were made for each other. That was you, as you were, you are, for me. Like you will always be. Completing me.

They all say time heals everything. But maybe I don’t want to be healed. Because with you, even your memories, I feel substance in my existence. I feel alive again, albeit just for brief sporadic moments. In those moments, I feel emotions. I feel happy thinking about the invisible dimple in your stubborn stubble. I feel myself smiling thinking about the exact shade of my pink and blue dress, and how you watched me across the corridor, the morning sunlight casting shadows of those pillars in our way, and how you walked to me, slowly, never taking your eyes off me. I feel bitter regret and pain, thinking of the last time I saw you. And I feel cold rage about the last promise you broke. Of never breaking my heart again. But feeling things I feel nowhere else but with memories of you, is like coming back to life. Maybe in the worst possible way, but still, coming back. Like I was, a long long time before.

Maybe days, Maybe months. Maybe even years. I don’t know how long this ache will last. I don’t know how long it will be before I’m ready to say goodbye to you. I don’t know at what point of time I can finally bring myself to say that I’m done, mindlessly meandering among the memories of you.

There is a piece of my heart that is missing. That has been missing since the day you left. That is the part of me that will always belong to you. Across seas and stars of the heaven, always, forever yours. No other man will ever fill that space with his love, maybe only wonder what was it that once lay there, completing that heart of mine. Seeing nothing but a shadow of how deep I'm capable of loving someone. That love, bordering on the edge of sweet obsession, will always belong to you.

Without you, I find myself staying awake some nights, watch shadows chase themselves over the ceilings, dark shadows against the blue light falling across the ceiling. Without you, the ache of your remembrance nearly kills me.

Without you I am breathing, sustaining my life, walking about, following the monotony, so that no one suspects what’s missing. Without you, I exist, because my presence here is required in this social fabric called society.