Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Candice Alley has the honour of releasing the first new Australian pop single of 2007. Candice is probably best remembered for the song "Falling", which was a massive Australian hit in 2003. For a while there Candice was hailed as the next big thing until her follow-up single, "Dream The Day Away", and her debut album, "Colourblind", both flopped miserably. Candice was abruptly dropped by her record company and completely fell off the pop radar - until now.

"Before You Go" follows the "Falling" blue print very closely; the only change to Candice's sound is an ever so slight move towards lite-pop/rock and a new glamorous image. Candice looks amazing but I'm still not taken with her as an artist. She makes pleasant music but it is a little too sedate for my liking. However, it is nice to have her back. As far as dull singer-songwriters go, Candice is entirely bearable! The "Before You Go" CD single also offers a wonderfully trashy remix, which I have uploaded for your listening pleasure. I've also included Candice's previous singles, "Falling" and "Dream The Day Away".

If you like what you hear, help keep Candice in fake eye-lashes by purchasing her single from Sanity. Hopefully, a new album will follow in the near future.

Monday, January 29, 2007

A psychiatrist would have a field day analysisng my obsession with craptastic pop siblings. My CD collection (and this Blog) is littered with La Toya Jackson, Dannii Minogue and now, Laura Imbruglia. Yes, Laura is Natalie Imbruglia's younger sister. Although, a surname is about the only thing the sisters have in common. While Natalie galavants around the world making bad movies and selling face cream, Laura has been playing gigs in small pubs all over Sydney and slowly building up a devoted following. It only took one concert for me to fall under Laura's spell and I've been addicted ever since.

Laura Imbruglia's music is a strange mix of gorgeous harmonies, Indie minimalism and witty lyrics. Laura is kind of like the Australian Jenny Wilson, only she doesn't try as hard and has a better voice. I'm not sure why I love Laura so much because I usually can't stand the kind of music she makes. I would rather stick needles in my eyes than purchase an album that "The Drum Media" recommends but I have bought both of Laura's EPs and her album. Laura simply has an ability to write songs about topics that I identify with - like being a homebody, dreaming about white goods and working with gay vegans! Not only that but anyone who dedicates their music to The Carpenters is obviously not your typical Indie troll. I'm convinced Laura Imbruglia is reading my mind. In fact, I think Laura would make my perfect fag hag. We could snuggle up under her Oxfam rug, eating Tim Tams and listening to The Carpenters. I would try to politely suggest she do something with her hair, while she would berate me for liking Karen's disco album. However, we would get over it in time to sing along to the chorus of "Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Craft". Call me, Laura!

This post will only focus on Laura's debut EP "It Makes A Crunchy Noise". I'll cover her amazing album and other material soon. I love every song on "It Makes A Crunchy Noise", so it's difficult to decide what to share. I already posted Laura's internet dating opus, "Don't Stray From My Site" in one of my resolution posts. I'm sure I'm not the only person who shares Laura's fear of ending up an MSN buddy! Another favourite song is "Ornithophobia", otherwise known as "The Cicada Song". Do kids still collect Cicadas? The song reminds me of being 8 years old and walking around with an ice-cream tub full of chirping insects... maybe it's an Australian thing. In any case, I'm sure this is the only song to ever rhyme "exoskeleton parts" with "insect heart"! If that sounds too weird for you, I highly recommend Laura's ode to gay vegans, "Lettuce & Anarchists". It's gorgeous and hilarious.

If you like what you hear, you can still buy "It Makes A crunchy Noise" from Chaos. Laura's debut album is also out now and is available from all the usual places.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Jason Prince is a pop trash icon. I love everything about this poptastic poofter; from the retro blond highlights in his hair, to his amazing vocals and spectacular inability to dance. Jason is like the English Lorenz, only without the muscles and with an even smaller promotional budget. Obviously, he is pretty fucking fabulous! Over the past few years, Jason has been busy churning out tragic trance cover versions of current hits for Klone Records. In fact, such is Jason's standing among lovers of tragic dance music that you will be hard pressed to find a Klone compilation without at least one of his masterpieces.

I don't know a lot about Jason Prince, mainly because he has next to no internet presence. He used to have a website but it has either been taken down or is out of order. I assume that Jason is gay because he sings love songs about men, and well, because I have eyes. In case there is any doubt, I think this short clip of Jason covering the "Wonder Woman" theme song with two trannies provides conclusive evidence! I also get the feeling that Jason is a bit of a recluse, he's been using the same photo for his singles and albums since 2002 and the mind-boggling video of "Electric Dreams" has been filmed with more vaseline on the camera than a Madonna photo shoot. I'm not sure why Jason is hiding, I think he's gorgeous in a chav-next-door kind of way! As much I enjoy rudely speculating on the private lives of Z-grade celebrities, I really should get to the music.

I still remember the first time I heard Jason's cover version of "You're Beautiful". I was completely overcome by the magnitude of someone turning James Blunt's woeful piece of shit into a fabulous Hi-NRG dance number, which is surely the most amazing transformation since Jesus turned water into wine! Interestingly, Almighty tried their hand at covering the song too and the resulting catastrophe reinforces just how brilliant Jason Prince really is. "You're Beautiful" was a shameful omission from my best of 2006 countdown. This gem should have been top 10. The maxi-single is also notable for containing a rare non-cover version. "Jaded Lover" was written by Jason and is fun, in a craptastic kind of way. It's a welcome change for a gay artist to actually sing about a guy.

Jason finally got around to releasing his debut album last year and it was worth the wait. It is basically an album of cover versions but these covers are all so insanely ridiculous that "The Jason Prince Collection" sounds highly original - in a twisted kind of way. One of my favourite tracks is Jason's cover of the Pet Shop Boys' "What Have I Done To Deserve This". Forget about those slutty West End Girls. This is THE SHIT! Amusingly, Jason sings Dusty's part, while an inebriated tranny takes over for Neil Tennant. Bliss! Other highlights include a great version of Feargal Sharkey's "A Good Heart" and a camp rendition of "Together In Electric Dreams".

If you like what you hear, please support Jason and buy the album from Amazon or directly from Klone Records. I can't wait to hear what Jason does next, he deserves to be bigger than Elvis!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Amidst the hordes of reed thin, blond bimbos littering the odious daytime television landscape, one woman stood out as a true original. I'm talking about the recently deceased Darlene Conley, who will be forever remembered as embodying one of television's greatest characters, the inimitable Sally Spectra. Darlene died from stomach cancer on the 14 of January and this Pop Trash Addict has been in mourning ever since. "The Bold & The Beautiful" has been one of my favourite shows since the early 1990s. I remember coming home from school to watch it during lunch time and it was staple viewing while I was "studying" at University. As much as I love Taylor, despise Brooke and fantasise about having a threesome with Dante and Hector; the reason I keep coming back for more is Sally Spectra.

Darlene turned Sally Spectra into a cultural icon. Darlene had charisma, personality and the kind of curves that would make Sir Mix-A-Lot cum in his pants. That combined with Darlene's love of big hair and deep voice, ensured that Sally Spectra would become an instant gay icon. In fact, I don't think I've been to a single Mardi Gras without running into at least one Sally Spectra drag impersonator. However, there was a lot more to Darlene than Sally. Darlene had bit parts in films such as "The Birds" and "The Valley Of The Dolls" and, as was only recently pointed out to me, had a brief but fabulous musical career in Holland.

My gorgeous Dutch friend, Jeroen, pointed out that Darlene made a wonderfully tragic pop song to publicise "The Bold & The Beautiful" in the Netherlands. "Botch A Me" is bright and brassy, much like Darlene herself. The lyrics are almost impossibly awful and Darlene basically talks her way through the song - but I love it. I could listen to that voice all day and any song that actually includes the words "tra la la la" is ok by me. Jeroen was also kind enough to share a song that Darlene recorded with the cast of "Bold & The Beautiful" for a Christmas album, as well as Darlene's solo version of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". "Love Is The Gift" is actually quite a pleasant ballad, while Darlene's take on "Santa Claus" is divine. I know, I will be dragging it out for many a Christmas to come.

These songs are a sweet reminder of an incredibly talented and vivacious woman, who lived for the moment and never took herself too seriously.

La Toya Jackson is one of the patron saints of Pop Trash Addicts - as the multitude of posts devoted to Queen Toy clearly attest. I've had a couple of queries about some of the Toy terminology that I use, so I have decided to put together a La Toya Dictionary. As La Toya's new single, "Armed & Famous", is apparently ready to hit radio and propel La Toya to international superstardom, there is no time like the present for a little La Toya education!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

For some people, Ethel Merman's disco album sounded the death knell for the entire disco movement. It seems that everyone from Mickey Mouse to Barry Manilow was entitled to jump on the disco bandwagon with impunity, except Ethel. Disco was considered beneath the Broadway legend by her fans, while disco junkies just couldn't get their heads around Mama Rose jumping into her best sequined boots and belting out a selection of showtunes under a mirrorball. The album sank without a trace and was considered a sad career low for one of the greatest vocalists of the 20th century. Thankfully, this opinion is being revisited with the passing of time.

If you don't know who Ethel Merman is then you're either very young, not gay or completely out of touch with your cultural heritage! Ethel is an old school gay icon, a contemporary of Judy Garland, who experienced her hey day in the 1950s. Ethel was the queen of Broadway, before moving into films and television. As with most ageing gay icons, Ethel's choice of material became increasingly camp with age. She became a regular on "The Love Boat", had a recurring role on "That Girl" and most fabulously, played a villain on "Batman" called Lola Lasagne! With that career trajectory, it was only a matter of time before Ethel tried her hand at disco and the result is quite spectacular. Despite the backlash the album received on release, "Ethel Merman's Disco Album" is finally being recognised as an outrageously camp monument to a true legend.

The album has aged surprisingly well, probably due to the fact that it didn't sounded contemporary - even on release. Ethel sings 8 showtunes which have been given a disco make-over. A couple of the disco interpretations don't quite work but many of them do. The best known track is probably Ethel's disco version of "There's No Business Like Show Business". It is wonderfully camp but, in my view, one of the weaker songs. My personal favourites are "Everything's Coming Up Roses", "Some People" and Gershwin's brilliant "I Got Rhythm". In fact, the album is worth purchasing for Ethel's outrageous take on "I Got Rhythm" alone. Disco queens and fans of all things shiny and camp will fall for disco Ethel. I know I have!

The album can be purchased from Amazon and most other online retailers.

Monday, January 22, 2007

The third and final part of my Young Divas special will focus on the magnificent Paulini. Paulini is one of the alumni of the very first season of Australian Idol. She came in fourth after being criticised on national television by one of the judges for being too fat, which is actually quite ironic given the multitude of plus-sized women to frequent later series of Idol - including fellow "divas" Ricki-Lee and Kate DeAraugo. In fact, it seems you have to morbidly obese to even make it to the final 12 of Australian Idol these days. The controversy helped raise Paulini's profile and, as clearly the most talented vocalist to appear on the show, she was quickly snapped up by Sony.

I have already dedicated a post to Paulini's magnificent second album (or third, if you count a shitty Christmas offering), "Superwoman". That album was also recorded before the Young Divas formed but this post will focus on Paulini's number 1 debut album, "One Determined Heart". Paulini's debut single, a cover of "Angel Eyes", sets the tone of the album. "Angel Eyes" is a lovely ballad, which showcases Paulini's impressive voice. It is also pretty fucking boring. I really like "Angel Eyes" but an album of full of ballads and dodgy cover versions was never the best career move. Thankfully, there are a handful of interesting remixes.

"Angel Eyes" hit #1 on the Australian singles chart and remains Paulini's only solo top 10 hit. The follow up, "We Can Try", was written by Audius - whose dubious claim to fame is working with Dullta Good-rim. The original version of "We Can Try" is bland crap but the remixed radio version is sensational. The song made the top 30 and, in its remixed form, remains one of my Paulini favourites. It seems far more suited to "Superwoman" than "One Determined Heart" - ie. it appeals to people under the age of 90.

I hope I'm not sounding too critical of "One Determined Heart" because in comparison to the other Young Divas solo albums it is a work of unbridled genius. There are several excellent tracks and Paulini's vocals are exquisite. Another highlight of the album is the selection of bizarre cover versions. The album contains one of the strangest cover versions I can remember hearing. Paulini's version of "No More Tears (Enough Is Enough)" is notable for being her first cover of a gay classic and surely the only R'n'B rendition of the song. Not only has the song been turned into a mid-tempo soul ballad, it is also sung as a duet with a man - which makes some of the lyrics rather interesting! It's so wrong, it's kind of right.. if you know what I mean!

Actually, I'm mistaken about "No More Tears" being Paulini's first cover of a gay classic. I had forgetten about this live medley from Idol which includes "Don't Leave Me This Way" and "Freeway Of Love". As usual, Paulini's voice is immaculate.

It seems appropriate to finish any discussion of "One Determined Heart" with yet another cover version. The song selection is truly baffling and one of the most random choices is Phil Collins' "One More Night". Paulini's version is rather nice, although it is begging for a remix.

If Paulini rings your bell, why not keep the woman in diet pills by buying "One Determined Heart" and/or "Superwoman" at Sanity, Chaos or Australian Ebay. Both albums are recommended but "Superwoman" is infinitely superior. This ends my rundown of the pre-diva careers of Paulini, Kate, Emily and Ricki-Lee. It will be interesting to see what 2007 holds for the divas. I have a bad feeling that "Right About Now" is being lined up as single number 3. I hope not because it is one of the worse tracks on their fabulous album. I hear rumours that Sony is intent on rushing out a new album with original material in 2007. That can only be good news!

Bionda is becoming something of a fixture on this Blog as one of the holy trinity of Swedish pop trash queens, along with the lovely Olinda and Marie Plosjo. Of the three, Bionda is definitely my favourite. Her publicity whoring antics are already a thing of legend. Who else but the woman formerly known as Linda Rosing could squeeze in having sex on national television in the Big Brother house, launching a failed pop career, starting a political party (which garnered only 222 votes in the election), writing an autobiography (well, having one ghost written by a gay journalist) and re-launching a pop career with a tour consisting of three songs - into only a couple of years? As far as I'm concerned, someone should be handing Bionda a Nobel Prize for services to the Swedish tabloids!

One of my favourite songs of 2006 was Bionda's stunning pop anthem, "Forget Me, Forget Me Not". The song shocked everyone by actually charting in Sweden and has become an internet favourite. Bionda's number 1 desperate gay fan, Tommie, recently sent me the remixes of "Forget Me, Forget Me Not" and one of them really stood as being worthy of an international icon like Bionda. The "Snakebyte Floorfiller Edit" is a wonderful piece of Euro-disco that almost manages to improve on the original. This remix makes Bionda sound like a Swedish Dannii Minogue impersonator - which is obviously almost unbearably fabulous. I just had to share it with Bionda's tens of fans around the globe!

For those of you who missed out on the original:

Tommie has also been kind enough to upload the amazing video to youtube. This is seriously fantastic. It's mind-boggling what you can do with $20 and a camcorder! Watch the video here.

Bionda has made such an impact that some incredible fans are petitioning AATW records to sign Bionda - join the petition!

Friday, January 19, 2007

I'm starting to think of birthdays as some kind of mystical litmus test for how well your life is going. If everything is rosy, you're happy. However, if things aren't going to plan, birthdays are about as enjoyable as root canal surgery without the happy gas. Unfortunately, my day fell into the latter category. I woke up in an absolutely demonic mood and spent most of the day being horrible to all of those I hold near and dear!

I belong in the bad friend Hall Of Shame. I berated a friend for "waking me up in the middle of the night" when she called at 9am to wish me a happy birthday. I accused another friend of making my ears bleed when he rather sweetly broke into a rendition of "Happy Birthday". I broke a lunch date, decided to disown anyone who had not phoned me by midday and cancelled dinner plans with my family by sending a group SMS along the lines of "I'd rather choke on my own vomit than be in the same room as you"! It was like an out of body experience; I went to sleep as a relatively normal human being and woke up as Linda Blair in "The Exorcist". And then, I snapped out of it and spent the afternoon calling up everyone to apologise. Thankfully, most of my friends were more amused than offended and my mum assumed I was joking. The rest of the day was a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to partying tomorrow night. I have no idea what came over me!

I've just realised that this post is pretty pointless apart from advertising the fact that I occasionally behave like a crazy person. I might use this post to deal with a couple of bits and pieces that I have been wanting to share. Firstly, there are a couple of hot new Blogs that I highly recommend.

This Blog is a trash lover's wet dream. Jamie has dedicated his Blog to my favourite movie genre: B-grade trash! It should be illegal to feature this much Morgan Fairchild! I've known Jamie for several years and I can testify to his expert knowledge of all that is craptastic. Jamie is one of the co-founders of the Church of La Toya and will be instantly familiar to anyone who has ever posted at "Say Hey". I just can't work out how Jamie finds the time to make so many wonderful posts and keep his title as England's number 1 dogging enthusiast. I guess he takes his laptop with him!

I only came across this stunning new Blog today. It's new but already has the makings of something special. Dina Carroll, Sertab, Monica Naranjo and Anna Vissi - yes please! This is definitely one to watch!

The Best Blog of January 07

I also need to give some well deserved praise to the Blog that has made my summer. You all know Deirdre Halliwell as the world's premier tranny pop diva and the blind man's sex symbol, but her amazing Pop Blog is less well known. Anyone who likes the content of "Pop Trash Addicts" will love:

I breathed a sigh of relief when Deirdre Halliwell finally pulled her fist out of her gaping hole and updated "Cheesy Pop Music". In fact, I have a suspicion that Eddy strapped Deirdre in front of the computer and made her work for the entire first week of January. The quality of the music is unbelievable - rare Sinitta, Liza, Kelly Marie, Samantha Fox, Hazell Dean, Marcia Hines, Marlene Dietrich, Rebbie Jackson and Tiffany! Deirdre has not only posted the most fabulous collection of artists in Blog history but has included her first new single of the year, an amazing cover of Nelly Furtado's "Maneater" called "(I've Gotta) Mangina!". I'm truly in awe!

Watch the entire second episode of "Armed & Famous"! The scene where La Toya goes to the local corner store in a red velour tracksuit and asks for caviar and champagne is possibly the most fabulous thing I've ever seen. That is, until La Toya gets therapy for her cat phobia. I'm hooked!

How amazing is Kylie's "White Diamond"? I just can't get it out of my head!

The promos for Dannii's reality show, "Australia's Got Talent" have started to air. Basically, all of the contestants are trannies and tragic homosexuals if this preview is any indication. I'm not saying anything!

Enjoy Dannii's first brush with reality TV on "Celebrity Wheel Of Fortune" here!

Watch Gina Riley (Kim from "Kath & Kim") take the piss out of Dannii with her interpretation of "Love & Kisses", called All You Need Is A Famous Sister. Sorry Dannii, but it's still fucking hilarious!

Finally, a big thanks to Neil for sending me so many wonderful goodies!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Rest assured that today's post will include no pictures of naked people (I understand, I'm developing something of a reputation!). Instead, I'm continuing my exploration of the floptastic solo careers of the Young Divas. Today it's Ricki-Lee Coulter's turn to be dragged under the microscope. Ricki-Lee immediately stood out from the crowd when she first appeared on Australian Idol. For starters, unlike the other contestants, she wasn't butt ugly and could actually sing. Ricki-Lee looked a certainty to win the second series but in a major upset, she was knocked out early in the competition. However, her potential did not go unnoticed and Ricki-Lee was snapped up by a record label before the series had even ended.

Ricki-Lee's self-titled, debut album is something of a musical dog's breakfast. Shock records obviously couldn't decide whether to market her as a cute pop star, an edgy bad girl or most amusingly, as a gangster ho - so they basically tried a bit of everything. Ricki-Lee sings Mariah-esque ballads, bubblegum pop and funky hip hop tunes (complete with cheap rent-a-rappers!) with varying degrees of success. The album does contain its fair share of excellent songs but the lows are pretty desperate. And yet, "Ricki-Lee" has grown on me immensely since its 2005 release. "Hell No!", the lead single, sounds like a tragic urban-pop version of Alanis Morissette's "Ironic". The song peaked at #5 on the Charts and has become something of an Australian trash classic. The second single, "Sunshine", was also a top 10 hit but unlike "Hell No!", "Sunshine" is sweet and upbeat enough to grace a Young Divas' album!

The rest of the album is such a mixed bag that no particular song is reflective of the overall sound. I have selected three of my personal favourites to share. "Stay With Me" has an Indian vibe and a chorus that involves a lot of "la la la"-ing. In other words, it's fucking fabulous! "Tell Him" is a mid-tempo R'n'B number that wouldn't sound out of place on the US charts. I mean that as a compliment! The song showcases Ricki-Lee's impressive pipes without ever being bland or boring. The final song, "Let Me Hear You Say (Ft. Nitty)" is here for pure entertainment value. I love it when nice white girls hire a rapper and try to sound like a streetwalker. Ricki-Lee's attempt at an urban party anthem is great, although I'm not sure who she thinks she's fooling!

Ricki-Lee's album is still readily available, so if you like what you hear please buy it. You should be able to find it at Sanity or Chaos. Part 3 of my Young Divas special will focus on Paulini's debut album and include Paulini's first tragic cover version of a gay classic!

This is my third, and last, New Year's resolution post. I've decided that the whole resolution process is a load of crap anyway. So far I've vowed to get fit and work out my career. My last resolution is the most ambitious - to find the last decent, single gay man in Australia. I might as well have resolved to build a time machine or to revive Dannii's music career! With my track record of married men, drug dealers and general psychos, this resolution is going to take some doing. Therefore, I have brought out the big guns for some moral support and advice.

Firstly, some mood music. Given my deep love of all things Euro-trash, it seems only fitting to begin with Nicki French's spinster anthem, "Is There Anybody Out There?". Let's face it, Nicki is about as trashy as it gets. I love her dearly but surely Nicki's grandchildren should lock her away in a nursing home. Nicki claims to be in her 40s but I think she has forgotten several decades due to dementia. It's a sad day when you identify with Nicki French. I thought chasing Melissa Tkautz across the dancefloor of a gay nightclub screaming "sexy is STILL the word!" was my lowest moment but musing over Nicki's overwrought, self-pitying lyrics such as "feeling like a song without a tune" is surely even more desperate.

Nicki isn't the only fabulous has-been to express how I'm feeling with regards to men and dating. New Zealand's amazing Sharon O'Neill has recorded a number of songs dealing with man trouble but the most applicable to moi is still her 80s hit "How Do You Talk To Boys", which I shared in one of my very first posts. Sharon was so far ahead of her time, it boggles the mind. This song tells the tragic tale of a woman who can't communicate with people she would like to fuck. I love the line about boring herself to tears.

I have no idea what Jenny Wilson is on about most of the time, but Robyn's some time duet partner hits the nail on the head with her opus "Love Ain't Just A Four Letter Word". I think. Jenny Wilson is possibly the most annoying bitch in pop. When she's good she's brilliant but when she's bad, she's the female Jose Gonzalez. Gross. This song is slightly depressing in a serious, Swedish artiste kind of way but catchy enough not to make you suicidal. I think the message of the song is meant to be uplifting... but I could be wrong.

If nothing else, I'm quite certain that this will be the only post in the history of Blogging to contain both Jenny Wilson and Collette! Collette is one of my favourite Australian pop divas from the 1980s. Collette only had one big hit but her obsession with bike pants is still being parodied today. Collette mostly recorded bright, happy songs for people to listen to on ecstasy. That is probably the reason why "Ordinary Man" has always seemed slightly out of place in Collette's catalogue of "hits". There is a definite twist of melancholy to "Ordinary Man" - although it is well hidden under Collette's unorthodox (ie. crap) vocals and the gloriously cheesy beats. This is my current anthem. No 80s loving homosexual pop fan should be without "Ordinary Man" in their collection.

Ok, enough depressing mood music. It's time to get pro-active! When faced with man trouble, Millie Jackson sought the advice of a love doctor. I wonder if this love doctor takes Visa and makes house calls... Whatever the case may be, "Love Doctor" is one of Millie's finest moments - and there is not a sexercise in sight! Just as fabulous, only in a slightly tragic way, is Karen Kamon's "Manhunt". Karen preaches a more direct approach to snaring a man and who am I to disagree? The flaw in Karen's thesis is surely the quality of man you will pick up while dancing like a slut in a club. I guess "Manhunt" is the soundtrack for those days when you're only pre-requisites are a penis and a pulse. We've all been there!

It seems appropriate to finish this meandering post with a song about a tragic cyber loser! "Don't Stray From My Site" is hilarious and gorgeous at the same time. In fact, I've become so taken with this singer that she is the purchase of a strap-on away from being my soulmate! I'm talking about Natalie Imbruglia's far more talented sister, Laura. Laura Imbruglia's music is so good that it is almost scary. Expect to see a long and detailed post about Laura in the very near future. In the meantime, enjoy this song about internet losers. It has to be the first and only song to mention emoticons, Windows, LOL, LMAO and MSN. Laura is a genius. Fact.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Brigitte Nielsen's trash credentials are absolutely flawless. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that Brigitte is Euro-trash royalty! The one time Mrs Sylvester Stallone has done it all - Z grade movies, Playboy spreads and reality TV shows. However, her greatest contribution to modern culture is undoubtedly her amazing two album musical career. Her debut album, "Every Body Tells A Story", is wonderful but its follow up - "I Am The One... Nobody Else" - is the musical masterpiece that has cemented Brigitte's standing as a modern day icon."I Am The One... Nobody Else" is almost unbearably tragi-fabulous. Brigitte was happy to stay within the safety zone of Euro-pop for her debut album but explored the emerging hip hop movement for its successor and even incorporated some rapping. I think it's fair to say that Brigitte is the original Eminem! The album stiffed pretty much everywhere but has developed a cult following over the years. I listened to the album for the first time in a couple of months last night and I was so overwhelmed by Brigitte's genius that I felt the urge to touch myself and then share some of the more fabulous tracks with you. I'll come back to Brigitte's debut album another time."I've Got The Best Man" is a good example of the album's tone, without being quite as craptastic as the songs below. Basically, Brigitte lists why she has the best man with some seriously dubious lyrics like "my life is so complete, other men just can't compete". This song has everything: cheesy Euro-beats, heavily accented rapping and a sax solo!

Nothing will prepare you for the splendour of "Give Me A Chance". The song begins with Brigitte ringing the doorbell and finding some skank at home with her man. Obviously, Brigitte is having none of it and storms inside for a rap duel with the brazen hussy. The lyrics are truly joyful, my favourite lines include:

Brigitte - He would never dump me, tall and sexy as I am.Slut - Well evidently that's not enough, he must want beauty to wake up to!

Brigitte - I have beauty and brains. That's why he's kept me for five years!Slut - As they say, out with the old and in with the new!

Can you believe the nerve of this bitch?! Thankfully, Brigitte sets the woman straight by the end of the song. "Give Me A Chance" is a veritable trash classic.

Things spiral even further out of control with "Who Told You", which is the moving tale of a well-hung man who doesn't know how to use his amazing endowment. Poor Brigitte pleads - "you're such a popular boy, you were born with such a beautiful toy. Do you know how to use it?" Trust Brigitte to delve into the big issues. "Who Told You" is one of the most straightforward pop moments on the album and never ceases to cheer me up.

As if "I Am The One... Nobody Else" isn't fabulous enough, Brigitte recently married a hot Italian stud, more than 20 years her junior. She even made him wear underwear to the wedding! Brigitte is, and will always be, the one for me.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Jackson family is second only to the Minogue clan for pure entertainment value. La Toya is obviously the most fabulous Jackson by quite some margin but her siblings have provided their fair share of trashy delights. As far as I'm concerned, the second most talented and entertaining Jackson is Jermaine. In many ways, Jermaine is the male equivalent of La Toya. They have both dabbled in a variety of musical genres, taken publicity whoring to new levels and been stuck in the shadow of more successful siblings. The only difference is that Jermaine's solo career was actually successful. Oh, and the fact that - unlike sweet and adorable Toy Toy - Jermaine is apparently a complete cunt.

I actually find Jermaine's bizarre behaviour one of his most appealing characteristics. Here are five reasons to love Jermaine Jackson:

1. Jermaine has 11 children from 5 different women.2. Jermaine named one of his sons "Jermajesty".3. Jermaine shacked up with, and then married, his brother Randy's wife.4. Jermaine recorded a duet with Pia Zadora for the cinematic masterpiece "Voyage Of The Rock Aliens".5. Jermaine released a song "Word To The Badd", which criticised brother Michael's changing skin colour. The lyrics were later altered, transforming it into a "break-up" song addressed to a woman.

I've decided to re-visit one of my favourite Jermaine Jackson albums, 1984's "Dynamite". "Dynamite" was released in the wake of "Thriller" and was intended to propel Jermaine to Michael's level of superstardom. The album didn't quite scale those lofty heights but it was a success and showed that Jermaine had well and truly embraced the pop sound of the 1980s. The album's title track was a top 15 hit and the poptastic "Sweetest, Sweetest" was an international success. The album is also notable for its three duets - the above mentioned classic with Pia Zadora, as well as one of Whitney Houston's first appearances for Arista Records on "Take Good Care Of My Heart" and a duet with Michael, the edgy "Tell Me I'm Not Dreamin' (Too Good To Be True)", which was a #1 dance hit. My favourite song on the album is the truly bizarre "Escape From The Planet Of The Ant Men". Pop is rarely as weird and wonderful as this!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

I love the Young Divas. They really are a pop trash addict's wet dream - a manufactured girl group who cover gay disco classics and look like sumo wrestlers in drag. I've made several posts about Paulini and her amazing "Superwoman" album, but I realise I have all but ignored the other three members. Basically, because I thought they were completely useless. However, I have had the near spiritual experience of watching the band perform live several times over summer and the other tragic skanks have won me over. Kate, Emily and Ricki-Lee might be as rough as the Australian cricket team but they can sing and they are amusing, in a car crash kind of way. I have decided to review the (failed) solo careers of all of the "divas". Paulini is my favourite YD and Ricki-Lee's album is actually quite wonderful in an "oh no, she didn't!" manner, so I'm going to start off with the two least trashtastic divas: the ever-expanding Kate DeAraugo and Hawk Eye, aka Emily Williams.

There really isn't much to say about Emily. Apart from the fact that she was runner-up in the third series of Australian Idol, behind Kate DeAraugo. Emily is the only Young Diva yet to release a solo recording. The closest she has come is singing the bonus track for the Young Divas' album, a fairly shocking cover of Dolly/Whitney's "I Will Always Love You". I doubt this offering will have fans petitioning for a solo album. Emily does have a nice voice but she seems disinterested and bored A LOT of the time. During concerts she often stops singing mid-song to talk to the crowd about her life and her sister (who was also on Idol). It was nice and personal the first few times but the novelty has well and truly worn off. Strangely, when the girls sing together, Emily comes across as one of the most competent performers. Emily is growing on me but I still think the most intriguing thing about her remains the fact that she was a forklift driver before entering Idol!

Kate DeAraugo entered the first two series of Australian Idol but was rejected. She made the cut the third time around and ended up winning the whole damn thing. I'm still not sure how she did it. I was less than impressed with just about everything about Kate during her run on Australian Idol, from her dreary choice of soft-rock material to her pleasant but generic voice. Kate's debut single, "Maybe Tonight", hit #1 and the follow up, "Faded" was a substantial hit. However, Kate's album disappeared after a couple of weeks and Sony decided against releasing any further singles. "Maybe Tonight" is actually quite a lovely ballad, while "Faded" (penned by the Veronicas) is a surprisingly good slice of pop-rock. Unfortunately, the rest of her debut album is rather shit. In many ways, Kate is the odd "diva" out. Her musical influences seem to be quite rock orientated and she looks far more comfortable in a tracksuit than a sequined mini-skirt. And yet, it is this fish out of water quality that makes Kate so endearing.

The second part of my "Before They Were Divas" special will focus on the trashtastic Ricki-Lee Coulter. Stay tuned!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

One of my favourite acts of 2006 was the stunningly talented Swedish diva, Bionda. I'm sure you remember her as the ex-Big Brother contestant who formed her own political party in order to promote her pop career. It seems that Bionda is not the only tragic ex-reality TV tart to try her luck with a pop career in Sweden. Bionda's number 1 fan, Tommie, recently introduced me to Olinda and Marie Plosjo, two ex-reality "stars" who have released amazing pop songs. Where does Sweden keep all these beautiful, intelligent and gifted artists?

Olinda Borggren makes Bionda look positively demure. It seems that Olinda has a history of wearing no clothes and being a complete bitch to absolutely everyone. Some of Olinda's career "highlights" include making a complete spectacle of herself on Joe Millionaire 2 by crafting a dildo in a pottery class and removing Joe's pants in the swimming pool. After Joe Millionaire, Olinda returned to Sweden and appeared on another reality show called "Paradise Hotel". True to form, Olinda wore very little clothing and was a complete bitch. She has recently been generating headlines by claiming that Sweden is "the arsehole of the world". Olinda obviously hasn't been to Canberra.

Ratty slut

Amazingly, multi-talented Olinda also found the time to record a single, apppropriately titled "Playboy Bunny", and even filmed a craptastic video clip. The song is a divine slice of euro-pop that reminds me of Aqua and Cartoons. Olinda might be a ratty slut but her music is brilliant! I have no idea if the song was a hit but it should have been, if only for the amazing lyrics which include lines like "I'm hot and ready, to work you steady". Bionda should cover it! In her spare time, Olinda manages what appears to be a porn site with her boyfriend. The intro invites us to "enjoy the magical and fucked up world of Olinda and Patrick". I'm guessing that Olinda's world is more fucked up than magical.

The second amazing Swedish pop goddess does not quite have the trash pedigree of Olinda or Bionda but she is still incredibly fabulous. Marie Plosjo is another ex-"Paradise Hotel" contestant who has desperately tried to extend her 15 minutes of fame by embarking on a trashtastic pop career and dabbling in nude modelling. With her sister. Marie's "Boom, Boom, Boom" is not as spectacular as Olinda's "Playboy Bunny" but it is still a feast of poor vocals, cheap production and lazy instrumentation. Swedish pop does not get much more ghetto than this. It goes without saying that I absolutely love "Boom, Boom, Boom"!

I think it's time to forget about Melody Club and BWO. The future of Swedish pop clearly lies with three tragic bitches called Bionda, Olinda and Marie. I can hardly wait to see which new low these ladies sink to next. Thanks again to Tommie for bringing my attention to these Swedish superstars.

Monday, January 08, 2007

This is the second of my new year's resolution posts. The aim is to basically post a selection of songs that inspire me to get my shit together. Hopefully, they have the same effect on other desperate losers reading this crap. The latest facet of my life screaming out for an overhaul is my career. Work is boring me to tears. I need to start doing something interesting before my boss finds me slumped over my computer, dead from chronic apathy. It's time to get in a new job frame of mind with two of the most famous work related songs of all time. I'm actually a bit ashamed that I haven't posted anything from these two amazing ladies before now because I am a massive fan of both. I guess, it's better late than never!

Dolly Parton's "9 To 5" and Sheena Easton's "Morning Train" approach employment from very different perspectives. Poor Dolly has to slug it out in the office, while fabulous Sheena suffers the massive ordeal of sending her man off to work in the morning. Personally, I think Sheena has by far the better deal. I really should consider being a gay housewife. I bet I could wave the morning train goodbye with just as much style as Sheena! I love both of these songs.

After much consideration, I don't think I'm suited to working all of those hours between 9 and 5, or to cleaning the house. I think Liza Minnelli's first gay husband and Australian icon, Peter Allen, may have had the answer with his classic "I Could Have Been A Sailor". The whole idea of being locked away for months with hot men is appealing but I don't like water or physical exertion. The Young Divas (and Donna Summers before them) sang about hocking one's box for cash with "She Works Hard For The Money". Unfortunately, I can barely give it away, so I doubt I would be overwhelmed with paying customers. Rather, I think the song that sums up everything that I am looking for in a job is Olivia Newton-John's "Queen Of The Publication". I would love to work at one of the cornerstones of journalism like "New Weekly", "News Of The World", "Star Magazine" or "Bild". I think I would be perfect at writing bitchy comments under pictures of celebrities without make-up and I was born to fabricate factually inaccurate stories about fading stars, minor royals and Z-list attention seekers. I most definitely would be the queen of the publication!

The next step in my career evolution is making things happen. I've decided to listen to the experts - Dannii Minogue and Melissa Tkautz. Like Dannii, I've been "really, really ready for success" for a while now. And like Dannii, I'm still waiting! I just hope that one day my life will be as glamorous as Melissa Tkautz's fabulous existence. Melissa has left behind a life of long days in a gay solarium to have a resurgent floptastic pop career. I think we can all learn from Melissa and her glamorous life!