sega ﻿classic ﻿arcade collection

(Circa 2001)

It’s a collection of four games: Golden Axe, Streets of Rage, Columns, Revenge of Shinobi. I thought four games in one sounded pretty cool, but then I noticed a Genesis version of the collection with the same four games on it… plus two. I wondered why the soulless bastards who made this system cheated me out of two of their precious and potentially harmful games, but I decided not to dwell on it. Whenever the Sega CD is activated, it’s only a matter of time before certain doom commences, and I wasn’t about to miss it.

golden axe﻿

Golden Axe is a game where you run around and kick things. Basically, it’s Battletoads, only it sucks and has bad music. And the noise you make when you die is so comical I actually enjoy killing my guy off, and spend most of my time enjoying it unintentionally. Also like Battletoads, if there is one enemy on the screen, you can use the head-butt move every time they try to get up until they die. And for some reason, when you run, instead of jumping farther, you jump higher. And you don’t maintain your running speed, either. This makes it difficult to clear some of the larger gaps.Golden Axe does have some fun qualities to it. Like when you get to beat up a poor defenseless elf and take his stuff. He runs around like a deranged little Muppet until you just kick him all over the screen like a soccer ball. If the game were nothing but six levels of that, I would give it the coveted “Greatest Thing Ever!” award, which I only present every 10 minutes to something that easily amuses me.

Now I might be out of line here, but since the title of the game is Golden Axe, maybe the graphics designer or programmer or something could have included an actual "golden axe" somewhere in the game. There were a few characters with axes, but none of them were gold. Maybe they could have just called it something different like Freedom Crusaders, Kick the Elf, or even Guy, Gnome and Bikini Girl Go to Town! The game didn’t have an ending, just credits. Here are some actual names from the game’s staff of tribal headhunters: Ham Tak, Decky, Waka, Imocky, Opa-Opa. It sounds like the game was made by Ethiopian aborigines. It also sounds like the dialogue was written by a five-year-old who translated it from his pet monkey’s stand-up comedy routine. “TO DEFEAT THEM AND TO BRING PEACE TO THE LAND IS MY DUTY!” “SOMETIMES HE DID DISAPEAR INTO THAT DOOR!” “WE PRAISE YOUR ACTS OF BRAVERY AND DEEDS OF COURAGE.” Well, this game has been officially possessed. I guess the game doesn’t expect you to win with the gnome character because it apparently doesn’t know what to do in this situation. So it just shows the gnome walking straight down at the bottom of the screen while playing a very annoying song over and over again. I watched this for 10 minutes expecting something to change before I reset the game. I am an idiot.

RATING (OUT OF 10)

GRAPHICS: 2 They suck. They just suck. There are only about four types of enemies that just keep changing colors throughout the game. And I’ve seen better backgrounds on NES.SOUND: 4 Some of the music was good, but most of it sucked. And the sound you make when you die is so funny, it would have been put to much better use if they had used it as the noise the elf makes when you kick him.PLAY CONTROL: 4 This game redefines the laws of physics. When you run and then jump, the inertia created by running is transposed into upward thrust. This is my scientific approach (me sounding like an idiot trying to sound smart) to explaining that the play control could have been better. Also, someone in the staff decided it was a good idea to allow the enemies, which you have to beat in order to continue, to hurt you from areas of the screen you can’t reach. He indicated this at one brainstorming session when he said, “Mm buala *pop* ngaho jaweh,” followed by the chasing down and spearing of a wild boar.FUN: 5 “Kick the Elf” is the greatest mini-game ever invented, even if it wasn’t meant as a mini-game. As for the rest of Golden Axe, it wasn’t very enjoyable and was a waste of my already poorly spent free time. It really only became fun after I started shouting at my Sega CD. Then it was great. “You want some of this? Ow EFF! How ‘bout if I shove my ‘Golden Axe’ up your ASS? IT’S THE ELF!!!!! YEAH, SET THE ELF ON FIRE!! You like that? Huh? You like it? KICK THE ELF!!! Yeah! Take it! TAKE IT, YOU LITTLE BEYOTCH! Split your tiny elf-skull in half!”Um, yeah… my doctor says I should go back on my meds.

GOLDEN AXE RATING: 4

This game isn’t very long, and isn't much fun, nor is it designed very well. After playing it a while, it gets pretty easy to beat, too.