Tag Archives: Love

With last week’s Supreme Court decision to make same-sex marriage legal across all 50 US states (or, as I’ve heard it said, “Fifty States of Gay!” 😉 ), we of the Poly Leadership Network have been deluged with questions, most asking some variant of “Is plural marriage next?”

Poly people have long known that we’re “the bottom of the slippery slope” according to the conservative right. Lumping the right to marry multiple spouses in with child abuse, marrying livestock, and other extreme and unwelcome cases has been a favorite tactic of those trying to shut down the push toward “gay marriage.” But now that we’re here, and the “unthinkable” has happened, is legalization of multi-partner marriage actually “next on the agenda” for poly people in the US? Continue reading →

Polyamory and Control

In polyamory (and open relationships), we’re often admonished for being “out of control,” or told that we should feel ashamed of who and what we are. “Control” often shows up in polyamorous relationships in various other ways, too. For instance, people sometimes try to control their partner/s — or even more commonly, their partner’s partner/s) through inflexible rules. [Note: these are in contrast to Agreements, which require cooperation; read more here]. Poly people also often try to control their own feelings of jealousy or insecurity by suppressing or repressing them. As Rocky the Squirrel says, “that trick never works!”

Simple, powerful steps, with powerful results. (The rest of the article is great, too, and I recommend it.)

Letting Go of Shame to Find Acceptance

I myself am receiving powerful messages right now to “let go” in my life. It’s not been something I’ve been traditionally good at. This is part of why I’m reaching out more for help of all sorts. I need some “hopeful scenarios” to replace the negative thoughts, you know?

In that article, Veronica also quotes Brené Brown, well known expert on shame and vulnerability:

This speaks directly to what I was talking about a couple of weeks back (in Facebook) when I said I disagreed with the notion that we can hate ourselves into health. It’s also relevant to other situations in my life which are requiring letting go. It is HARD to ask for and accept help, especially when one has always been accustomed to being the one to offer it. It’s especially hard for men in our culture. But it can be hard for women (or people of any gender) as well, in part because it requires letting go of the popular USAian idea that we can be “rugged individuals” and should be able to do everything on our own. It also requires letting go of the shame, and the internal messages that to ask for help is to have failed, or that we’re unworthy, or will never be good enough. It also requires us to give up control over what other people think of us, and the fear that they’ll judge us negatively for who we are, or what we need.

Polyamory and Community

One of the greatest gifts in polyamory (and sometimes in open relationships), in my view, is that of community. As we honestly open ourselves to others, and create bonds and ties and networks, we naturally create a community of not only lovers, but of loving people of all sorts; people who can be there for us in times of loss and hardship, as well as times of joy and celebration. It’s hard (for me, at least)to trust in this net, because of the strong messages of nuclear family, and individual responsibility. But as I allow myself to be more open and more vulnerable, I am finding more and more support — mentally, emotionally, and physically — is available to me.

Of course, this requires that I be open to receive that support, and that can be a challenge for a perfectionist like me. But by following those steps Veronica outlines above, I can breathe through the confusing feelings, and eventually learn to accept what IS. Not always easy, but usually possible.

I find that for me, part of the process is to continually remind myself to stay in a state of gratitude, which allows me to be open to receiving the gifts that may come my way, as well as allowing me to remain relaxed and able to respond appropriately. “Fear is the mindkiller,” after all, and when I’m in a state of contraction, resistance and fear, I often cannot move, quite literally.

So it is now that I end this post where I began my day, in gratitude for my community. I am grateful for so many of you, both those whom I know, and those whom I’ve never met, and may never meet. I am grateful for those who can help me with my physical and financial needs, and for those who can help me with my emotional, mental or spiritual needs. It is an article of faith for me, that in giving to each other, we always give back to ourselves. And I am especially grateful to my friend Adam, at the moment, who is providing an example that yes, it IS possible — through gratitude, acceptance, and letting go — to change for the better.

I hope by sharing these thoughts I can inspire you, as I have been inspired today by my friends and community. And may you always, always remember, that

~♥ Dawn

PS: Are you interested in talking with me about polyamory, or about any of the topics in this blog? I’m happy to give back via a Free 30-minute session, or a 1/2 price 60-minute one. Past clients have reported increased happiness, decreased feelings of shame and jealousy, and have gained clarity and useful tools through working with me in a co-creative process. I’d love to help you understand and manifest your own best life and loves! Contact me and we’ll set up a time that works for you. 🙂

What’s relationship success? Is your relationship a success or not, and how do you tell? How can you use “creative relationship design” to create a successful relationship tailored to your needs, and those of your partner/s?

This was the topic of the free call that I did a couple of weeks back, with Francesca Gentille. I’ve finally surmounted the technological hurdles to get this out in a form that anyone can listen to. Hooray! Below is the link to the YouTube page for the audio (the slideshow portion is fairly optional.)

If you are local to the SF Bay Area, you might be interested in the in-person class that Francesca and I are teaching THIS Saturday, April 26th: Afternoon Delights on the Wilder Shores of Love. (HINT: there’s a DISCOUNT CODE for those who listen to the FREE CALL recording below!) We’ve still got some spaces left, so grab a friend — or two, for best prices! — and sign up for this fun, interactive workshop!

Most of the time, in this blog, I focus on polyamory and other forms of “ethical non-monogamy.” Today, I’m offering something involving another facet of my own “outside the box” nature: Paganism. In a somewhat uncharacteristic way for me, I’m going to offer the poetry first, and the explanations after. So scroll down if you’re interested in more background on how this poem came to be, and why I’m posting it here. Enjoy! ~♥ Dawn

Out In The World, the Goddess Speaks

Out in the wind
the Goddess speaks:
Branches whispering to one another, swaying in the wind.
“Bend;” she says, “flexibility is the key,
lest in bearing your natural pressures, you would otherwise break.”Continue reading →

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you US folks (or anyone else) who celebrate it today! Today I am grateful for the skills that I’ve learned through polyamory, which have helped to bring our tribe(s) into relative harmony and alignment that couldn’t have been imagined only two years ago. I created my “usual” — fresh cranberry-orange sauce, an apple pie, and a pumpkin pie — while my daughter made fresh bread with our breadmaker. My partner took the potatoes, the stuffing, and the turkey over to his ex’s house, and cooked them there. I helped my daughter’s boyfriend’s family get costumed for the Dickens Fair this weekend, and then we headed over to my partner’s ex’s house, and consumed a marvelous feast and chatted while watching Rob Roy on DVD and enjoyed the attentions of a variety of domestic critters. All in all, a good day.

I hope your day was as good, and I wish you a wonderful Holiday season. I am thankful for you. 🙂

PPS: In honor of Pride Month, you might also want to check out my Love Is OK T-shirt with the rainbow heart. Because no matter who or how many you love, Love is ALWAYS OK! (Tip: Use code 15PROMOONALL for a 15% discount when you order by end of day on 6/11/13.)

Why should singles or monogamous couples have all the fun? That’s what Pepper Mint, Luke, and the other Poly Speed Dating organizers said to themselves a few years back, when they created the highly successful Poly Speed Dating events. Armed with moxie, a desire to serve the poly/open communities, and some wicked programming skills, they created a unique algorithm to allow the poly/open communities to experience the entertainment and relationship hookup possibilities inherent in “dating” 10 people — or groups of people — all in one evening.

I’ve been to a few PSD events myself, and they’re quite the ride. Anywhere from dozens to in at least one case several hundreds of eager polyamorous/open people crowd into a room organized into groups of chairs, usually by twos, but in some cases in clumps. Daters can specify a dizzying array of options, including dating as a single, being open to (or only) dating groups, sexual orientation, gender (including several beyond the standard binary M or F), kinkiness (or lack thereof, called “vanilla”), geographical preferences, and other items. Less specificity might get you more dates; more specificity may get you fewer dates, but ones that are more in tune with your particular wants and needs. Each date lasts a few minutes, and daters have the opportunity to say whether they’d be open to more contact later. Only if BOTH parties match on that, does the computer program reveal contact information to both parties. (After that, it’s up to you to do something about it.)

Since their inception, they’ve become popular in the SF Bay Area, and have spawned several sub-varieties, such as the specifically Queer-Friendly events. Last year, the biggest ever (so far!) PSD took place in the ballroom at the highly successful “OPEN-SF” conference. [And for those who are interested, I have word from the organizers that YES, there is another OPEN-SF conference planned for 2014! Hooray! More news as I hear it.]

• 450 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA.
• A 5-minute walk from Central T.
• Check-in starts at 7pm. You must be there by 7:30. Event ends around 10pm.
• $20 per person if you pre-register, $30 at the door.
• We’ll provide snacks and soft drinks for you as part of your entry fee. There will be a full (pay) bar.
• No person turned away for lack of funds–please contact us!

If you have any questions about THIS event, email bostonpsd@polyspeeddating.com.

You can get yourself on the PSD mailing list for future events (in Boston or elsewhere) by writing to them at:
PSD@polyspeeddating.com

So if you’re poly/open, and in or near Boston, you’ll want to check it out. It looks to be awesome fun.

And remember: No matter what makes your love special, no matter how long or short that love is, no matter who and how many you love…

~♥ Dawn

PS: Want to set up a time to talk with me about open relationships, polyamory, monogamy, and/or how to design your own best relationships? I’m happy to do a free 30 minute, or a 1/2 price 60 minute phone session with you. Get clear on what your relationship structure is, and underlying assumptions about rules and boundaries, and your relationship/s will be easier and happier! Or call me (510-686-3386) to set up a time!

My friend Patricia Pearce often inspires me with her writings (or sometimes her friends do, as guest bloggers.) This week she wrote another deep and thoughtful post on the tragedy of the bombings at the Boston Marathon, called Love’s Marathon. I highly recommend that you read it all. To get you started, here’s an excerpt:

In my understanding, the fundamental spiritual truth is that all things and all beings are interconnected, part of one body — Love — that animates the Universe. Atrocities such as Monday’s bombing in Boston do violence to that fundamental truth of interconnection by enacting a story of division. They are assaults on Love.

But because Love is the reality of complete oneness, even those who enact the story of division are not, cannot, be cast out of Love, because there is no “outside” of Love.

Once when I was walking a labyrinth on retreat, I received a teaching. “There are no enemies,” it said. “There are only those who do not know who they are.” There are only those who are not conscious that they are cells, as we all are, in the one body of Love.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Love this week, and about enemies, about division, and separation. About what it means to love, to be an enemy (of), to support or betray. Patricia points out that there is no “outside” of Love. Love is intrinsically whole, intrinsically inclusive. There are people who try to say that, by loving “outside the box,” that I am outside of Love. That people whose love doesn’t fit societal expectations, such as those with same-sex partnerships, are somehow less deserving of being included in Love. I think this is nonsensical. Those who feel they must “protect the sanctity of marriage” by excluding one or another form of love are, as Patricia says, “enacting a story of division.” Love is bigger than marriage. Love needs no “protection,” because it is bigger than the boxes we humans try to keep it locked up inside.

My logo, by the way, is a visual representation of this concept. Love is literally outside of the box, the heart surrounding the smaller box at the center. It is impossible for the box — for me, or for others — to be outside of Love, because Love is bigger than the confining walls. Love is unable to be contained … and also still open, with room to let more love, more people, inside.

When I get scared, and when others around me get scared, we tend to put up walls and barriers. Our intent is to create safety, but what we end up creating is separation. We want love, but in our attempt to hold on to love, we create fear and pain, loneliness and suffering. The hard thing, as Patricia says, is to continue to keep our hearts open, even in the face of pain and suffering. Even in the face of tragedy. Because without opening ourselves, and risking our own hearts, there is no way for us to remember that separateness is an illusion, that we all are one, and that there is room enough for everyone inside the welcoming heart of Love.

Fortunately for those of us who love outside the box, we’re used to running “Love’s Marathon”– we’re used to continuing to open ourselves to Love and to possibility, even when it brings us some pain in the shorter term, because we know (or trust) that the end of the journey is worthwhile. It’s not always easy — but then, worthwhile things rarely are. So when someone is casting ME out, or viewing me as an enemy, I get to remember that they’ve probably forgotten who they are. And that makes it easier to love them in that moment, because I can remember that the separation is an illusion, and hope that soon, they will remember it themselves. I can hold that space of remembering that we are not separate, until they can remember it too, and then we can be together in Love again.

Wishing you Love and inclusion,

~♥ Dawn

PS: I first met Patricia in a course by my friend and mentor Samantha Bennett. Sam has a course coming up this spring (her “Monster Get It Done telecourse), and since she’s rearranged the schedule so it starts next week instead of this one, you can still hop on the bandwagon. The way you learn how to sign up for the Monster Get It Done is to listen to the AWESOME teleseminar Get Unstuckified: Why You’re Procrastinating On the Important Stuff and What To Do About It.

I’m proud to be a Really Big Fan (aka Affiliate) of Sam’s, so if you choose to purchase the course through this link, I’ll get a referral fee. But I trust that you will do your own homework, and only purchase stuff that you know is right for YOU. I’ll be there in the course too, and on the calls, so you know I’m not just trying to get money here; I really believe in what Sam has to offer, and I think it’s worthwhile.

And I think that if we can all get ourselves “Unstuckified,” it will be easier for us to remember that we’re really all connected, and really all a part of LOVE. After all… Love is ALWAYS OK.

Things are really hopping for polyamorous people in Colorado right now. In addition to the big news with the excellent poly episode on Our America With Lisa Ling (which profiled some of the Loving More folks in CO), the Colorado legislature has apparently also just passed legislation regarding same sex partnerships in the state. According to Robyn Trask, head of Loving More:

[Recently] the Colorado Legislature passed a bill for Civil Unions for same sex couple. The bill allows many of the same rights for Civil Unions as marriage but falls short in areas of taxation and some financial benefits.

Loving More has been contacted by reporters asking if the polyamory community wants marriage or civil unions and do we plan to “push” for this now or in the future. …

I am wondering how the leaders here [on the Poly Leadership Network list] feel about this issue. Loving More is not a political organization and we can’t push for any legislation. Our role is awareness, social advocacy and support.

Discussion is ongoing on the PLN list, and several people have weighed in. Jessica Burde of Polyamory on Purpose expressed a couple of very good points:

1) We have bigger issues. When polyfolk can’t lose their children and
their jobs for being poly, when there aren’t laws on the books which
can fine us or send us to jail for our lifestyles, then I’ll worry
about whether or not we should fight for marriage.

2) LGBT doesn’t need us rocking their boat. A lot of us have been
disappointed with the response of the LGBT community to the poly
movement. Many of them see our desire for recognition as a threat to
the progress they have made over the last few decades. By providing
ammunition for the slippery slope argument, we hurt the people we want
for allies, and help the people who want to hurt us.

Are we ready for poly marriages?

Here’s what I added to the discussion:

“Pushing” for poly marriage would probably be a mistake, I think. Jessica [Burde] has said some good reasons why. I actually think that the way to create a more just, fair, and safe society (here in the US anyway) for everyone, is to fix the damn health care situation. Ridiculous “health” “care” costs ruin so many people’s lives, and drive decisions about marriage and relationships. I’m still married to my “almost ex” (or my “significant ex” as my sister calls him!) in large part because of health care access. […] Get health care OUT of the marriage question, and make it a RIGHT for ALL citizens (at the very least; possibly all HUMANS residing in these borders), and then we can start talking about what choices people might want to make around marriage/relationship.

And yes, the dangers of losing children in custody battles is a huge problem as well. The more we can educate the public on the safety and indeed positive benefits of poly to children raised in poly households, the better for everyone. Again, that doesn’t require “pushing” for marriage benefits — just educating about poly families (e.g., the excellent work of Elisabeth Sheff in the US and Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli (sp?) in Australia.) Getting it through the thick skulls of the lawmakers that the stigma and fear is more dangerous than the “lifestyle” is definitely going to help.

As to polys riding on the coattails of the GLBT movement… yes, same sex marriage is necessary before we can even consider poly marriage, since any poly marriage would defacto contain at least one same sex couple. But same sex marriage is not the SAME as poly marriage, and it isn’t necessarily the next logical step, since it is pretty radically not the same as hetero couple marriage. Same sex marriage is required — but not sufficient — for poly marriages to exist.

Where I come down, in general, is that I believe that everyone should have a right to free association (gee, where did that idea come from?? *eyes the documents of our founding forebears…*) and to be related to whomever and however many they love. As such, I support the rights of same sex couples to marry. I also think that, if we remove the notion of heterosexual couples only, that eventually it will become nonsensical to think that we should limit loving relationships to only two adults, in the same way that eventually it became nonsensical to imagine that people of different religions or races should not marry. But I think that will come about without us having to “push” for it… just educate, educate, educate.

What do YOU think? Is now the time to be discussing poly marriage? What kind of marriage laws might YOU like to see? How do you think we should be approaching this issue?

As always, feel free to comment below, contact me here, or on my Facebook Page, Love Outside The Box. I welcome your input on these issues of importance to all of us who “love outside the box.”

~♥ Dawn

PS: Are you interested in creating a poly relationship ceremony? Or creating a more standard wedding for two people, and want someone who understands that you are proceeding from some different assumptions? I’m an ordained minister, with experience creating and officiating at weddings and other life milestone ceremonies. You can find out more about this aspect of my work on my Ministerial Services page. And as always, I’m happy to set up a 30 minute free consultation to help you determine if I’m the right person for the ceremony you want to create. No matter who and how many you love… Love is ALWAYS OK!

And Lisa Ling herself is clear that poly is not exactly the same thing as either swinging or polygamy… because she’s already done episodes on both of those. 🙂 [Hey, check it out! Reid Mihalko is front and center in his Sex Geek t-shirt in the promo pic for the Swingers Next Door episode! Way to go, Reid. :)]

Loving More is very excited to announce an upcoming documentary on Polyamory. In August, 2012, we were contacted by producers from the show Our America with Lisa Ling. They were thinking of doing an episode on polyamory. We keep a list of people willing to talk to the press and TV media and set about helping them find families willing to be on camera. The more I spoke with the producers, the more interested they became in the Polyamory Movement and Loving More Nonprofit. We checked them out, as we always do, before forwarding the request. I spoke with Reid Mihalko who had worked with them on an episode about swinging. We watched the show on swinging along with several other documentary episodes of Our America and we were very impressed. We put them together with a family on the East Coast, a family of five adults all living together (Wes, Gina, Jessie, Shaun, Ginny). See their blog Polyskeptic.com

I had talked to one member of the family and to my delight they agreed to work with the Lisa Ling Show. They also filmed my family, Jesus (Chuy) my long term partner, John, whom I was in new relationship with (essentially filming a V-triad), and me as well as several people from our community here in Colorado. During the weekend Lisa did an interview with my sixteen year old daughter Marina, who has been raised in a polyamorous family. The show also found a triad in Vancouver, who I beleive all live together, to film as well. Essentially they have covered a nice cross section of polyamory in different configurations.

Working with the producers, crew and Lisa Ling, who is an award winning journalist, was a delight. We spent three full days filming at our home in Loveland, CO. Overall it was a fun experience and very different from other TV crews I have worked with. We were not able to announce it until now because we agreed to sign a nondisclosure.

We have no idea what the final film/documentary will show or how it will be edited. From experience both, in working with other television and media as well as the shows we have since watched on BDSM and a show on seniors in America, I am confident the show will be done well.

We are having a viewing party here in Colorado in north Denver. Email Robyn@lovemore.com if you are interested in the potluck/viewing party or to join Loving More Nonprofit on meetup groups Colorado. I know a few people elsewhere who are hosting a party or recording for people to see later [e.g., we’re hosting two viewings through the East Bay Poly Potluck and Discussion Group on 3/10 and 3/14; contact Dawn on her website (or by email at LoveOTB@gmail.com) for details!)]

Best wishes to all the families and poly groupings who appeared on this show. It’s never easy to be this far outside the box (as I well know: e.g., [Nat Geo (cameo)] [Montel 2005 pt 1]). But with the risks, comes the possibility of creating a better world for all poly folks (and other relationship explorers.) Thanks to everyone involved for their part in helping it “get better” for polyamorous folks.

Links: Sex

Who is Dawn Davidson?

“I’m speaking up for those who feel lost and alone, and who’ve been rejected by others for core pieces of their being, whether that’s paganism, poly, their bodies, kink, or whatever. I’m here to say “you are not alone,” and “you are fine, just the way you are,” and hand you some tools and roadmaps.”

What do YOU need to be heard about?

LoveOTB@gmail.com or 510-686-3386.

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