In the Tabs This Week: Khloe Kardashian and Kris Jenner Bond Over Divorce, Kourtney Gets Ready for Baby No. 3

We read Us Weekly, Life & Style, Star, OK! and In Touch this week, so you don’t have to. We know, right?

Jessica Simpson lives the cliché and is happy about her baby, other celeb women are stressed out about their babies but love them so we don’t think they’re sociopaths, Khloe Kardashian keeps hearing more horrible stuff about her husband, Kourtney Kardashian has almost three kids but no husband, Khloe and Kris are having a mother/daughter divorce … and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe. But you don’t have to read it, because we did. Sometimes we do need to be a hero.

Us Weekly

Us Weekly

Jessica Simpson has baby Joy — although we thought the new one’s name was Ace — and Us Weekly brought us the exclusive photos. There were pics of a Maxwell and an Ace, but no Joy. Maybe she’s already off at boarding school because she wasn’t at home in L.A. where Jessica showed off son Ace, shared her new wedding plans and slammed “hurtful” weight bullies. Those are all fine things to do, but she should really be out looking for her baby Joy.

Khloe Kardashian kicked out husband Lamar Odom as her final warning. First, last we heard, he hadn’t been home in quite some time, so can she really kick out someone who isn’t there? And second, final warning for what? He’s kicked out. She’s sent him packing. What more can she do? Maybe she’ll add some millions to their divorce total.

Us Weekly knows why Liam Hemsworth is worried about Miley Cyrus’ train wreck. We know too. Anyone with even half a heart would be concerned if his fiancé had been in a locomotive accident. It seems like it was serious, too. The cover photo revealed that her face is kind of messed up and her tongue won’t go back in her mouth. Her taste in wardrobe hasn’t changed, though.

Life & Style

Life & Style

Apparently Life & Style was also concerned about Baby Joy because they put her name on the cover along with another baby called Drama. Perhaps they’re off somewhere together. Nobody has time to look for them because Kim Z is having stress over twins, saying “I can’t handle six kids,” Kim Kardashian is in the middle of a family fued over first photos – there are pics she didn’t want you to see – and Fergie had a dramatic delivery with lots of interesting details. And still, Baby Joy and Drama are unaccounted for.

New rumors are tearing Tim McGraw and Faith Hill apart. And, once again, what we learned in elementary school rings ever true. Rumors are mean and vicious. The fact that they have the physical prowess to rip two people limb-from-limb is brand-new information, though.

In the next chapter of the Khloe Kardashian Weekly Saga, the protagonist herself says, “My husband is a drug addict.” Fortunately, she kicked him out in the last chapter, so his drug having ways won’t cause him to mess up her house or anything. We can’t wait to turn the page.

Joanna Krupa of ‘Real Housewives of Miami’ told someone who told Life & Style, “My husband won’t sleep with me.” We don’t want to pretend to be experts here, but isn’t that part of the definition of being a housewife, even in Miami. Maybe it’s all just a little too real for Krupa.

Star

Star

The next chapter of the Khloe Kardashian Weekly Saga picked right up in Star this week, and it was a good one. All the fun of the first two chapters rolled into one. It’s worse than she thinks. Drugs, lies and a love child. Exclamation. Any chapter with a mistress’ pregnancy bombshell is a winner in our book. Or, well, Khloe’s book. It’s a good thing she’s in the tabs every single week because this never gets dull.

This was a big wow for us. Jennifer Aniston has gained 17 pounds. If she’s not careful, she’ll be perfectly healthy and still happy with herself. The photos are unbelievable. For one thing, she looks great and for another thing, we’re impressed by a camera lens that can assess a person’s weight to a specific poundage and know exactly how much they have gained. Now our selfies can take the place of our scales. Total time saver.

Speaking of Jen, it’s Brangelina. Star is fair and balanced and gives equal time to former spouses Brad and Jen. Sadly, Angie is in a fury over Brad’s secret Scientology sessions. And we’re in a fury over the excessive use of alliteration.

In what has become a much over-publicized outrage, Star brought us Miley’s MTV disgrace. Well, crazy, ratings hungry producers brought us that. Star is just talking about it for attention and to give us another look at Miley’s ever present – does that thing have a name – tongue.

OK!

OK!

We had to put down our Khloe Kardashian book to pick up the much-neglected Kourtney Kardashian saga. For her, it’s a girl. According to the tab, Kourtney’s baby dream of another sister for Mason is coming true. And, we know how they found out. From a doctor. Who did an ultrasound. OK! also told us why Scott proposed now. Clearly, three kids is the charm. Way to just jump right in, feet first, Disick.

After their — supposed — wedding at a magical time called Secret Sunset, we found out that Jen and Justin had a honeymoon in Mexico. If you’re a secret wedding denier, then they just went on a vacation and kissed a little bit in the pool. Either way, lucky them.

We had forgotten we cared at all about Tom Cruise’s personal life until we read that it’s love. And OK! knows who Tom’s new girlfriend is. We actually decided to wait for him to declare it himself while jumping on furniture because we think that’s a way better way to tell fun secrets like that.

Simon Cowell and his baby mama are planning a shotgun wedding. We didn’t have to think too hard to guess who would be holding the shotgun. We’re just surprised that he’d be invited to the wedding, being a former friend and all.

In Touch

In Touch

We got to go back to the Khloe Kardashian Saga with In Touch and move on to the next chapter, in which two Kardashian marriages are over. This chapter told us of a mother and daughter who face the darkest time of their lives as Khloe is forced to confront Lamar’s drug secrets and Kris meets with a divorce lawyer. Meanwhile, Lamar is in hiding and Bruce is angry and “humiliated.” The chapter closes with a look inside their fight to protect their millions. This is a real page turner.

Unfortunately, after the lovely photo spread earlier in the tabs, Jessica Simpson is in anguish. She must have finally realized she’s missing baby Joy. But, with all the babies being named this week we aren’t sure which one she’s referring to when she feels “this baby ruined my body.” As they do.

There is more proof for any of us who are Jen and Justin secret wedding deniers. In Touch has their hot “honeymoon” album. Of course, being the deniers that we are, we’re convinced that the quotes mean that it wasn’t really a honeymoon, but just a really nice trip for the couple. Neither of whom seem to have put on any weight, so we’re denying that too.

There is a surprising truth behind North West’s debut that made us say to ourselves, “Kim did what?!” OK, we didn’t say that. Nothing Kimmy K does really surprises us any more, unless it doesn’t involve money or being directly in the spotlight, which her baby usually does.

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