John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

It's not always possible to get back into the inner circle, but you can still deal with your broken heart. (Published 01/26/2016)

Q:

As my mother was dying, twenty years ago, she wouldn't allow anyone except my father and me to be present. I come from a very large family, and my siblings somehow hold me responsible for them not being allowed to be there. Since then, I’ve been shunned and excluded from family events. Although I’ve filled my life with supportive and loving friends, and my boyfriend, who was my rock, I miss my family. I’ve tried in every way to correct what I view as my mother's selfish behavior in not allowing any of them to visit and say good-bye to her. Is there anything I can do to create a happy ending?

A Grief Expert Replies:

(Dear Janice,

Thanks for your note and question.

The saddest thing about your note, for us, is that we’ve heard this kind of story so many times. Even though that doesn’t change anything or make you feel better, at least you know that is a common occurrence in families.

As you already know, it may be impossible to ever get your siblings and extended family members to let you back into their circle. As sad as that may be, you may not have a choice, and at some level you might not want to be with people who have shunned you.

One thing’s for sure, you have a lot of losses to deal with, not the least of which is that loss of family and sense of connection.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines., As you do, you’ll sense a shift in how you feel, and the idea that a happy ending is possible may come to you, though not necessarily with the family member who had been part of your life.