Monday, August 22, 2011

10 Creative Ways to Dump your Virtual Lover

You’ve been having an online affair with a virtual lover, and now it’s time to end it. But how do you end a virtual affair? Here are ten ways for you to dump that lover or to get them to dump you, leaving you to become virtually footloose once again, while having a little fun in the process.

The Cliché: “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not the person I was when we began, and it wouldn’t be fair to let you go on loving someone that doesn’t exist anymore.” Hey, it worked when you were in high school, why shouldn’t it work online, as well?

The Stand-In: You could talk a friend into pretending to be your new virtual mate, and have mushy conversations with them on the same site that you met the person you wish to dump. Who’s ever going to know, besides your friend, right?

The Wronged, Sympathetic Spouse: Create a new online identity and say it is your real life spouse, and say that he or she has discovered your online affair. Then, you can use that new identity to go online and seek sympathy and common ground with the dumped lover. She or he will then join your pretend spouse in thinking you’re a real jerk, but that’s the point, isn’t it?

The Accusation: Accuse your virtual lover of having given you a virtual sexually transmitted disease, and threaten to write a blog about it if he or she doesn’t leave you alone. When your dumped lover argues that virtual STDs are impossible, accuse them of not really believing in virtual things and use that as even more reason to break up.

Up the Ante: If the STD accusation doesn’t cause your virtual lover to accept the break up, accuse her or him of becoming a stalker, and get semi-hysterical about it while mentioning your cousin the cop.

The Sexual Orientation Ploy: You can tell your virtual lover that you’ve suddenly understood the urges you’ve been having, and discovered that you’re virtually gay or lesbian. If you are gay or lesbian you can, of course, claim to have suddenly realized that you’re actually a virtual heterosexual person. Keep in mind, though, that this one can have long term consequences for your future virtual dating prospects.

Identity Change: This may be a bit drastic, but if you really want to dump someone without any confrontation or drama, simply disappear. Cancel or quit using your old profiles, and create new ones with new information. Block their emails. Eventually, they’ll get the message and move on.

The Loan Request: Ask your virtual lover for a short term loan in order to allow you to take your new real life lover out on an extravagant date. Unless your VL has masochistic tendencies, this is almost guaranteed to cause them to call you several bad names and never wish to virtually speak with you again.

Blame Your Computer: “My computer doesn’t like your computer, and won’t let us be together anymore.” As with number one above, the real life version of this one worked in high school with your parents as the bad guys, didn’t it?

Sell Your Computer: Simple, effective, but drastic. It is guaranteed to work, but now you will have to resort to doing real things in real life to fill your leisure time. Think long and hard before taking this big step.

Well, there you have them, ten creative and/or fun ways to dump your virtual lover. Don’t like any of these? Well, I suppose you could just resort to being honest and empathetic, telling your virtual lover that it’s over and saying the right things to help them not feel so bad about the end of the affair. But heck, any person of character and empathy can pull that off, and you wanted to be creative and clever, didn’t you?