Shag, Marry, Kill (Literary Edition)

I grew up on game shows. Jeopardy. Wheel of Fortune. Family Feud. The Dating Game. My favorites were the celebrity editions where we, Jane and John Does, sitting on our couches across America got to see famous people unscripted. To laugh alongside them like we were all a bunch of friends having pizza and soda round the game table. My husband and I still tune into Jeopardy, shouting out the answers before any of the players have buzzed. Game shows of every variety equalize the millionaire actor and the street vendor under the banner of “contestants.” A person’s past or even how they arrived on the show is inconsequential. All that matters is the present.

That accessibility to the masses and acceptance of the character game rules are attributes shared by literature. It’s why, as readers and writers, we get excited seeing a particular book we’ve read in the hands of a Hollywood star, political leader, or other esteemed person. We feel, “Me, too!” even if we don’t consciously think or say it.

So I went on a social media hunt for the current popular sport and found this all-inclusive gem: Shag, Marry, Kill. It seems everyone from superstar chefs to decorous journalists are being put on the spot to play. Well, I said to myself, why not authors in a literary edition—this is Writer Unboxed! I snagged three kind friends who were ready to get their game on.

(Ahem, stepping onto the game show hostess podium now.)

It is my pleasure to introduce brilliant writers and our distinguished contestants of the first Writer Unboxed Shag, Marry, Kill column:

Megan Abbott, Edgar-winning author of the novels Queenpin, The Song Is You, Die a Little, Bury Me Deep, The End of Everything, Dare Me, and her latest chosen as best book of 2014 by Amazon, The Fever.

Melanie Benjamin, New York Times bestselling author of The Aviator’s Wife, Alice I Have Been and The Autobiography of Mrs. Tom Thumb.

The rules are simple: For each question, the contestant must designate which of the three persons he or she would rather shag, marry, and kill. It’s generally hard to say, I’ll shag X, marry Y, and kill Z without some kind of explanation and therein lies our entertainment. The story of why each “shag, marry and kill” were chosen.

[pullquote]Marry Lewis Carroll. He always struck me as very polite and quiet in real life. He’d leave me alone to pursue my interests. Plus he was a mathematics professor, so he could balance the checkbook. – Melanie Benjamin[/pullquote]

MELANIE BENJAMIN: Shag William Shakespeare. Very lusty, I imagine ol’ Will was. And a true romantic. I’ve always wanted a sonnet written for me. Marry Lewis Carroll. He always struck me as very polite and quiet in real life. He’d leave me alone to pursue my interests. Plus he was a mathematics professor, so he could balance the checkbook. Kill Kurt Vonnegut. I’ve never read his books (Admitting this for the first time in public, actually), and so I imagine he’d tried to murder me, so I’d have to kill him first.

MATTHEW DICKS: Tricky since I’m really not attracted to men in any way. We’re horrible creatures. But if I had to choose, I’d kill Vonnegut. He’s my favorite modern day author, and I cried on the day that he died, but he was kind of a jerk. I’ll marry Shakespeare, in hopes of spending lots of time in the theater, and I’ll shag Lewis Carroll. Poets are sexy.

2) Which if these Canonized Chicks would you rather shag, marry, kill?

Jane Austen

Kate Chopin

Toni Morrison

MA:Shag Kate Chopin. Marry Jane Austen. Marry Toni Morrison. Okay, I really-really-really don’t want to kill any of these awesome women. So I’m going to have to cheat.

MB:Shag Toni Morrison. Marry Jane Austen. I mean, how hard would it be to live with Jane? She’d write happy endings for us all day long. Kill Kate Chopin. She’s kind of a downer.

MD:Shag Jane Austen. She was hot. Marry Toni Morrison for the connections. She knows everyone. Kill Kate Chopin for sure. Her short story A Story of an Hour makes it clear that she has no use for husbands and would be happy to see them dead.

MB:Shag, shag, shag Rhett Butler. Marry Tom Sawyer. Wasn’t he really the gentleman around Becky Thatcher? I think he grew up to be a fine man. Kill Hamlet. Definitely. The most depressing man ever.

MD: Shag Rhett Butler to make women jealous. Marry Tom Sawyer. Honeymoon on the Mississippi. Kill Hamlet. Decisively in order to drive home the point.

4) Which of these Historic Heroines would your rather shag, marry, kill?

Anna Karenina

Anne Shirley

Joan of Arc

MA:Shag Anna Karenina. Marry Anne Shirley. Kill Joan of Arc. This one’s easier because of the whole Joan-noble-martyr thing. Don’t we need her to make that sacrifice? (Though I wouldn’t burn her at the stake!)

MB:Shag Anna Karenina. Passion wins, every time. Marry, of course, Anne Shirley. Having read all the Green Gables books, I know she grew up to be quite the domestic goddess, in a fun way. Kill Joan of Arc. Definitely. Religious fervor to the point of mania is a big turn off for me.

MB: Shag Charles Perrault. Marry Hans Christian Andersen. I always feel so sorry for him; he seems to have been such a strange, tortured, loveless man who just needed an understanding kindred spirit. Kill Louisa May Alcott. I think I’d have to kill her before she killed me.

MD: Shag Louisa May Alcott. Lady parts again. Marry Hans Christian Andersen. The original versions of his fairy tales are dark and crazy. Would make for an interesting life. Kill Charles Perrault. His fairy tales are completely sexist.

7) Which of these Eye-Spy Gumshoes would you rather shag, marry, kill?

MB:Shag, of course! James Bond. Marry Shaggy Rogers. He’s so easy going. And I’m OK with dogs. Kill Sherlock Holmes. I couldn’t live with that kind of scrutiny; there is such a thing as being too observant.

MD:Shag James Bond. All those Bond girls can’t be wrong. Marry Sherlock Holmes. Kill Shaggy. One thousand times over.

MB: Well, shag Scarlett O’Hara, I guess. Love her taste in clothing, anyway. Marry Holly Golightly. But only the Holly from the movie. The Holly from Capote’s novella is very different, and wouldn’t stick around for anything so normal as marriage. Kill Claire Randall. Um, I don’t know who this is! Sorry. Kill, then?

[pullquote]Shag Léon Dupuis. Marry Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Kill Noah Calhoun. The only thing hard about this one is that killing Noah might be like killing Ryan Gosling, and that seems wrong. – Megan Abbott[/pullquote]

MA: Shag Léon Dupuis. Marry Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Kill Noah Calhoun. The only thing hard about this one is that killing Noah might be like killing Ryan Gosling, and that seems wrong.

10) Literary Potpourri (submitted by contestants)—who would you rather shag, marry, kill?

Newland Archer (Melanie Benjamin)

Philip Roth (Megan Abbott)

Winnie the Pooh (Matthew Dicks)

MA:Shag Newland Archer. Marry Philip Roth. Kill Winnie the Pooh. These choices, while honest, fill me with my shame. But less shame than saying I’d shag or marry a teddy bar. Though if that’s your thing, more power to you.

MB: Shag Philip Roth. To quote Jacqueline Susann, “Philip Roth is a good writer, but I wouldn’t want to shake hands with him.” Still – shag. Marry Winnie the Pooh. My first instinct is to kill him, since he can’t spell. (Seriously – “hunny?”) But then, he only wears a shirt so laundry would be easy, and he has Piglet around to tell all his troubles to so I wouldn’t have to listen to him all day, and Tigger would be fun at parties. So, marry. Kill Newland Archer. He’s so indecisive! He’s so noble! He’s so dull.

MD:Shag Newland Archer. When in doubt, shag the fictional human. Marry Philip Roth. He’s getting up there in years. Inheritance possibilities. Kill Winnie the Pooh. Enough with the damn honey already.

Thanks for playing, Megan, Matt, and Melanie! That was wicked fun… I may just have to do this game show host gig again sometime. Hope you all played along and enjoyed it too!

For you, Writer Unboxed friends: which of these misunderstood characters would you rather shag, marry, kill?

I’d definitely shag and marry Quasimodo. I have a soft spot for the underdog and he’s got that bad-ass strength thing going on. That said, I’d probably kill him a short time thereafter. I could only gaze into that one bulbous eye for so long, and the drool…. :)

Totally fun and awesome game show! Well played! And Sarah, since I saw it was you who wrote this post, I just have to tell you I just finished listening to The Baker’s Daughter on Audible and it was just fabulous! I loved it! I was so sorry when it ended! Thanks for a great read!

You are in best company, Susanna. During the editing phase of THE MAPMAKER’S CHILDREN, I had to search all my “justs” and ax as many as possible, per my editor’s orders. But in casual conversation, I Just can’t Just enough.

Thank you SO much for this incredibly loving comment, Susanna! I’m ecstatic you enjoyed the Audiobook of THE BAKER’S DAUGHTER. I can’t wait to share THE MAPMAKER’S CHILDREN– Random House Audio is doing it. Hope it meets with your happy approval too!

Jason, my friend, you win on technical definition of “sci-fi” but all of this was tongue-in-cheek, good-natured, book nerd fun. Blame childhood terrors of a slimy, smelly Gollum saying, “My precious, my precious” for the villain designation.

I remember cracking up when we lived in Scotland and I came across a (non-literary, sadly) version of this show on TV – Kiss, Shag, Marry or something. I kept thinking, “Seriously, what?!” I’d do one of these for YA, but I’m afraid my inner teen would get stuck on either kill or shag.

Wouldn’t it be a dream to have this literary edition as a staple show? I’d absolutely swap it out for one of the Real Housewives of XYZ… hey now, that begets another interesting idea: The Real Housewives of Lit-Land. I doubt it would fetch the rating necessary with all of us sitting at our laptops typing in silence for hour after hour of filming. :)

Oh, but if you Shagged Kate (with the intent to later Kill) while you Married Boo, she might do you in just when you got up for that post-ahem glass of milk. Not even Quasimodo’s saddle hump could ride in to save you. Kate was a jealous sort– a dangerous woman to love and leave. May I recommend GONE GIRL for reading reference. ;)

All in jest, my friend!! Thank you for playing along and stay warm this wintry night!

You are a valiant woman, Tina– picking up the pitchfork for the noble Quasimodo! I like you, indeed. Thanks for playing today. I totally enjoyed acting as game hostess to Megan, Melanie and Matthew, and to you, writer and reader friends.

Where I come from we play it as “Snog, marry, avoid” which is a little easier.

Quasimodo – hmmmmmm, dunno. They say French men make good lovers …
Boo Radley has a bad cough and Scout never sees him again which suggests he’s dying of TB and my BCG may have worn off by now, and as he’s probably a virgin, it might be embarrassing and awkward to do the shag bit.
Kate – well, I’m female and heterosexual, so although marrying her would now be a legal option in my country I’m not intrinsically interested.

So
Quasimodo – shag because he’s French (or snog.)
Boo Radley – put him out of his misery (or avoid – which would be easy as he avoids everyone else anyway.)
Kate – marry – we could come to an arrangement as she’s not that keen on men and might be fun to have as a lifelong housemate, and same-sex weddings don’t need to be consumated, so we could do it for tax reasons.

Hilary! I just laughed so hard I spouted tea onto my laptop touchpad and it’s now squirreling around my screen. Hilarious response re: Kate. I LOVE IT. Also, the “snog”–I’d never heard that term before. A Briticism? I am a notorious anglophile. Adding it to my “why-UK-slang-rocks” dictionary. Thank you, my dear, for this cheeky wonderful comment. I like you very much, Lady Hilary. Sight unseen.

“Two nations divided by the same language” … I try to be bilingual when I’m online but sometimes I’m caught out. I suppose “snog” probaby is a uniquely British word – it means, prolongued kissing, so it’s less of a big deal than a shag (assuming that means the same on both sides of the Atlantic – ? seabird related to cormorant?)
Glad you liked it anyway.
H
p.s. BTW I’m no lady … about as ladylike as Scout, while we’re talking about “Mockingbird”

We don’t usually use the word ‘shag’ to mean what the British mean. We do recognize it as a British slang when we see it, though. Shag just means something like long haired, it usually has to do with length of strands of fibers. For instance, we have a shag haircut style in America, we have shag carpet which is currently back in demand for no good reason. We have Shaggy the Scooby Doo character who is a hippie with long messy hair. Some dogs are shaggy haired breeds.
We don’t usually say ‘shag’ but we do have plenty of other slang words meaning sexual intercourse. I’ve never heard of snog. It sounds like a dark beer mixed with milk, maybe a German beer.
Bangs is our word for the hair that is on the front of the scalp, usually cut so a person can see without hair covering their eyes and for fashion. I think you call it frill. Bang (without the s) is one of our slang words for your word shag.