Warning... this is now more of an adult site. If reading things about what gay men do sexually with one another bothers you - you should not read this blog. This blog is a reflection of my adventures. Some are fun, some not so pretty. I won't name names, or kiss and tell... but I will live to tell. And baby, trust me - I am gonna spill it all over your pretty little party dress. Enjoy.

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2014/03/31

The Far-Sighted and Short-Sighted of Happiness

I tend
to be a big picture person.While that
is helpful in some ways, in other ways it’s problematic.So used to trying to forecast the future, I
frequently can’t recognize what’s happening in the moment known as ‘now’.That
kind of far-sightedness can rob one of a whole lot of happy.

Me and
mine celebrated our five-month anniversary this weekend. We had a great time: dinner out, a visit to
the Minneapolis Institute of Arts, a long walk along the greenway, a couple of
trips to the gym, among other things.

I’ve
come to see the time I spend at the boyfriend’s as my version of ‘getting away
to the cabin for the weekend’. It’s definitely
down time and frequently it’s ‘my time’. Sure, I still struggle with quite a bit of
guilt – mostly having to do with not being at the beck and call of others – and
we don’t always get to do everything we want, though we do come pretty close.

We
remain in the learning phase with each other, discovering all the nooks and
crannies of the other’s psyches; exposing parts of our past experiences as a
means of revealing what it is that makes us tick.

He
makes it all very easy. I’ve never been
in such a maintenance-free relationship before.
In fact, we have yet to have a real argument. And, yes, I worry about such things – for I
am used to such things.

I have
to constantly remind myself to stay in the moment. But more than that, I have to remind myself
that I deserve to be happy and that I have a lot to be happy about.

It’s
funny how being unhappy is the thing that has become second nature for me. This kind of joy? Free from all the angst and anxiety
associated with what used to pass for ‘happy’ in my life? Well, that’s rather foreign to me. It always catches me off –balance as I
struggle to recognize it for what it is: happiness.

And I
don’t even need the help of a gin martini to achieve that state (though, it’s
always a welcome addition).

The
other thing that throws me for a loop? How
quiet happiness can be.

I want
to rush in and fill up all the gentle lulls that occur while enjoying casually
intimate, everyday moments. That’s fear
in the driver’s seat; I’m terrified he will come to the conclusion that I am
boring – you know, because I am not doing nearly enough. So, again, I have to remind myself to shut up
and simply enjoy the moment.

It
doesn’t all need to be analyzed and dissected.

It’s
hard to do. I am so programmed to work
at relationships, I find myself having to put on the brakes all the time. There’s nothing more annoying than someone
who insists that there is something wrong when there is nothing wrong.

And
there really isn’t.

Yes, we’re
both human, both flawed, both possessing behaviors and habits that we could
work on. The great thing? We are both mature enough to view those
things as intriguing points of interest and not a reason to head to the nearest
exit.

And
while we can help one another grow, both of us realize that those behaviors and
habits are not the other person’s to fix. In some instances it’s more a matter
of adjustment than actual repair or replacement. And fixing
things that aren’t broken? Well, that
would be inviting problems and conflict.

So, we
continue to get more comfortable with one another, still learning how to occupy
the same couch. That learning curve is
all a part of the journey, and to think for a moment that it has a shelf life
or an end point – a time when we won’t be learning how to co-occupy this
life?

"And while we can help one another grow, both of us realize that those behaviors and habits are not the other person’s to fix. In some instances it’s more a matter of adjustment than actual repair or replacement. And fixing things that aren’t broken? Well, that would be inviting problems and conflict."