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03 September 2010

Everybody Listen To Me, And Return Me My Notes From The News

So. Eastern rain. Sorry. The sky is dark and Earl is upon is, but he's just a Cat 1 by this time and nobody's really worried about it. Shit, I grew up with tornadoes; this ain't nothing. So unconcerned am I by the hurricane that I went out into the wilds and the wilder wilds and rounded up some newsnotes for your edification and amusement. Which would make a change of pace from what you usually get from me. But anyway, on with the bumpers:

George of the Jungle was a serious thespian's role, dammit! dept.: Brendan Fraser is making a bid for theatrical legitimacy, and will be starring in the comedyEllingon Broadway later this fall at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre. In related news, the ghost of Ethel Barrymore has been sighted in the theatre this morning, standing in the lobby and screaming.

If I'm a dog then you're a bitch, Dept.: The saga of Weezer's descent into ever-more-pronounced suckitude continues. Now comes word that the band did not title their new albumHurleybecause of any connection with Jorge Garcia orLost, but because the recording was financed by . . . the Hurley Clothing Company. Don't believe me? Brian Bell said so in an interview . . . and then denied it not long after. In spite of the fact that Hurley's got a new clothing line that carries the Weezer brand name and is specifically linked to them in the product description. Now it's not as if Weezer had any real integrity in the first place but . . . man. Jorge Garcia has to be kinda pissed off right now. As for me, I wonder how well Pinkerton would work as kindling . . .

The day the clown had a noticeable tentpole in his pants, dept.: Well, Jerry Lewis is continuing his candid, cantankerous, don't-give-a-crap attitude in interviews. Recently in an interview with Inside Edition, Lewis (who incidentally looks like Harlan Ellison's dissipated older brother these days) went off on today's selfish starlets like Linday Lohan. Jerry, sounding not at all like he's in get-off-my-lawn mode, says that if he ever saw Lindsay he would give her a smacking . . . and a spanking . . . and then probably had to be left alone for a few minutes to do some spanking on his own.

And now to change to my secret identity of Captain Obvious! dept.: Hey kids! The Black Crowes' Chris Robinson says Taylor Swift sucks! There will now be a brief pause while we all say, "NO SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT." As if we needed a washed-up, stoned-off-the-planet hack who stole his moves from Mick Jagger and his vocal mannerisms from Rod Stewart to tell us that.

So it goes, dept.: Montana "Not Wildhack But An Incredible Stimulation" Fishburne gave an interview to Hollywood reporter about her sex tape, and notes that she's getting some offers of acting jobs now that her notoriety has been sealed and everyone's seen her O face. She also adds that she and her dad still aren't speaking. But I bet Jerry Lewis would like to have a word or two with her.

The Beastie Boys did it first, but they didn't do it for free dept: 50 Radiohead fans shot footage of the band's Aug. 23 show in Prague, using Flip digital cameras. The band donated soundboard recordings of the show, and the whole thing was edited into a concert film, Live In Praha, that is available online for free streaming and free download. Top that shit, MCA.

HEY LADIES! dept.: True Blood's Stephen Moyer is doing something very special for charity. he's auctioning off the "cock sock" he uses while filming nude scenes for the show. The garment will be autographed by both Moyer and his costar/missus Anna Paquin -- here's hoping she signs it with something tasteful like "Wish you were here."

What shall we use to fill the empty spaces, dept.: If you're in the Chicagoland area and are looking for something to do this weekend, you might want to check out the North Coast Music Festival in Union Park. The three day fest features hip-hop, electronica and jam bands, with a pretty good mix of national names and local talent (De La Soul, Lupe FIasco, Moby, Chemical Brothers, Umphrey's McGee are among the acts appearing). Day passes are $40 a pop, and hey, it's not like you were doing anythingelseon Labor Day weekend, right?

What in the ever-living FUCK, dept.: Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband wants to have her body preserved and plastinated after she dies so he can . . . um . . . er . . . you know, I honestly have no fucking idea why. But it's creepy and weird and scary and oogy and I think I need an adult now.

Well! I don't know about you, but I need a shower after that.

Oooooorrrrr . . . maybe not.

Have a good weekend all! Stay tuned, a new Track By Track is imminent!