Ladies, Here Are The Penis Leggings You’ve Been Looking For

Smash the patriarchy in comfort and style with these unicorn penis leggings

Do you enjoy a full range of motion in your pants? Are you sick of missing the one thing that seems to get a large segment of society ahead with ease? Do you love unicorns? If you answered “yes!” to all of the above, boy do we have the spring wardrobe staple for you.

As women, the absence of a pale pink penis pretty much totally fucks us over in every aspect of our lives: from how much we’re paid, to how seriously we’re taken at work, to how much we’ll be expected to bear the load in a household.

Sexual harassment in the workplace is as rampant as it was 50 years ago. And women are still making 79 cents to every man’s dollar. There comes a time in life when you just have to say fuck it; I’m wearing penis leggings. Take that, patriarchy. Thanks to an artist based out of Austin Texas, now you can.

What better way to say, “I can’t take this workplace sexism anymore and I’m actually losing my shit” than by showing up to the office in pants covered with magical, slightly hairy, rainbow-maned unicorn penises? If anyone dares to approach you and ask about your life choices, you can just say something like, “Kevin in accounting’s pink penis seems to be working out really well for him. He just got his second raise in a year. I decided maybe I need a penis on my person to give my career that extra kick!”

“With everything heavy that’s happening right now, the human spirit needs a break, a chance to remind us of what’s so awesome about life,” Morningstar told Cosmopolitan. “So unicorn everything? Hell yeah, bring it on. And that includes how magical a good peen can be.” Okay, so she’s a little more optimistic than I am. Whatever.