"I AINT WON JAK A LOT FROM THE SQUATTERY THLE LOTTERYS SHOULD BE THE JACK SQUATTERY CAUSE I AYNT JACK SQUATTING A LOT WHY THEY SHOULD RENAME THE LOTTERY TO THE JACK SQUATTERY CAUSE THAT'S ALL I EVER WIN IN IT!!!!!"

oogaBooga - 2010-03-20 I think, Early, I am most impressed by the care you've taken in urinating on my laptop.

EyeViolence - 2010-03-20 Perhaps if I really were fat I'd learn to be proud, jolly even. My skin would become thicker. Then it wouldn't matter if I couldn't get out of a ditch. I'd still have my dignity.

Scynne - 2010-03-20 Why is it that all fat people, when experiencing difficulty due to their fat-assed-ness, always get extremely stressed out, panicky, and irritable? They all say the same sorts of things, too, with the same tone of voice.

Spike Jonez - 2010-03-20 That inability to cope with simple stressors is how they got so fat in the first place. I say grab a shovel and cover her up while she's "seizing."

pastorofmuppets - 2010-03-20 She's hyperventilating. If her circulatory and respiratory systems were stronger, it wouldn't be necessary.

Johnny Madhouse - 2010-03-20 She's been unable to get exercise beyond the occasional feeble protest of her position, and so has swollen to fill the entire hole.

Her clothes have disintegrated, torn by both her expansion and the chafing against the earthen walls of her prison. Her buried flanks are host to burrowing insects which have taken up residence in the layers of fat. Several generations of parasitic wasps have switched hosts from caterpillars to her, and scientists have expressed jubilance at being able to watch behavioral evolution in action.

In attempt to preserve some modicum of dignity, those closest to her have covered up her limp rolls with a cheap blanket, buncing it tightly around her puffy neck in a manner that makes her resemble a head on platter.

To protect her from the elements, they have constructed a gazebo over her. Now they can sit in a circle, sipping mint tea and discussing the weather as the morbidly obese woman beneath makes irate vocalizations.

Comrade Admiral - 2010-03-20 Perhaps more disturbingly, lipid samples taken from the soil in a Washington State park have identical DNA to samples taken from this ditch.

The implication being, of course, that they are both pieces of the same organism, a vast subterranean carpet spanning the country, absorbing decaying plant and animal matter as it spreads.

abeli$con - 2010-03-20 like this isn't a dupe? i saw it literally years ago.