MSE 250 Creative Writing

by
Students of the 9:30 lecture

Chapter 1

10/28/92

As our hero was slowly driven out of his mind by the MSE 250
lecture, he heard a strange buzzing sound. It grew louder and he
didn't see where it was coming from. All of a sudden he saw everyone
running out of the room. He was confused, but went along with the
crowd. As he ran outside, he saw that what used to be an ugly white
sculpture had turned into an anemic offspring of the Stay-Puff
Marshmallow Man! A mad dash into the EECS atrium only made matters
worse as the anemic offspring smashed through the front of the
building looking for people to eat. Among one of the innocent victims
was the imfamous professor Gibala. He was still yapping about material
defects. Nobody seemed to mind so the offspring ran off to find
professor Laine. The monster found professor Laine drinking expresso
in his office so the monster thought 'ohh, and expresso flavored
professor' and quickly ate him up. I.W. Chen was yelling,
"No... No... do not eat Professor!" But the monster didn't speak
chinese. So the monster piked up I.W. Chen and took a bite, but then
began gasping because of the awful taste. "Ha!" laughed Chen. "A block
copolymer mixture of polybutadeine and polystyrene in my clothing must
have enflamed one of his taste buds!" In the meantime, the MSE 250
TA's were getting together to find a way to stop the creature, knowing
that there would be big money in it for them (and the knowledge of
having saved a few underclassmen lives). They began drawing phase
diagrams and TTT diagrams for marshmallow fluff. Finally, they came up
with a plan. They would blast away this marshmallow man with a
polymeric residue.

Chapter 2

11/2/92

Our hero, Virgil Smith, was pissed that the TA's would get all the
credit, so he stole some of the polymeric residue and formed discs for
his disc gun. Loading them with the notch first, he looked down the
hall with intense paranoia. As he glanced from left to right he saw
one of the MSE TA's walking toward him. He decided to practice on the
TA with the disc gun and so he took aim. But out of nowhere sprang
Chen, still limping from the gangrene infested chunk taken out of his
leg by the Marshmallow Man. The crush he had on the TA had been kept
in the closet for a long time, and this was his chance to show his
love for her. He picked up the coors hammer and began to repeatedly
beat our hero over the head with it while shouting "Taste my
sintered-ceramic hammer you undergraduate scum."

Chapter 3

11/4/92

Editor's Note: Chapter 3 was accidentally lost to posterity.

Chapter 4

11/9/92

Virgil woke up, his head still bleeding. The last thing he seemed to
remember was fighting Chen, but other than that Chapter 3 was a
blur. He stared at the three empty cases of assorted Canadian Brew,
and then saw Chen lying in the corner. It looked like Chen passed out
before he could finish the Canadian Brew so Virgil polished it
off. Virgil soon after, passer out from all the beer he drank. He
woke up a half hour later with his face in a puddle of puke and was
now saying the word "eh" after every word. He vaguely remembered the
Marshmallow Man, grabbed his gun, and staggered drunkenly off to find
him. After a long tour of the North Campus, Virgil finally glided into
Cafe Pretentious in the North Campus Commons. He was about to order a
blueberry muffin when he noticed the Marshmallow Man disguised as an
art/music major, wearing black depressing clothing and experimental
facial hair, drink a cup of Hot cocoa (with out the little
marshmallows). But before he could grab his disc gun and get off a
couple of rounds the Marshmallow Man threw a half-caf double decaf caf
with skin milk and a twist of lemon in his face. Virgil screamed in
agony as his face proceeded to slowly deform, you see the temperature
of the coffee exceeded the Tm of Virgil's skin as he slowly proceeded
to melt into a small puddle on the floor of Cafe Pretentious. "oh, wow
man" commented one of the art students as he puffed on his clove
cigarettes and twisted his goatee in deep thought over his half-caf
double decaf. Meanwhile the Marshmallow Man slipped out of the door
and proceeded over to the Dow Building.

Chapter 5

11/11/92

As the Marshmallow Man got to the Dow building he saw Bryan
what's-his-name coming out of the EECS building. He grabbed Bryan and
ripped all his limbs off. Meanwhile, Virgil was in the process of
recrystalizing after turning into a puddle. Unfortunately for sorry
Virgil, he was recrystalizied in the shape of a highly attractive
female. The very attractive female saw Gary what's-his-name, gasped in
horror and ran off creaming. Gary was so embarrassed taht his head
collapsed. Prof. Chem had by this time made his way to the Auto Lab
basement and laughed, knowing that his top secret prototype and pride
of the Engineering Staff would surely destroy the sadistic work of
art. Chen fled the building as it transformed into a 5-story fully
functional replica of Jonny Sako's robot.

Chapter 6

11/16/92

Gary of the concave head was shocked that his head imploded. He tried
to pull his face out but due to the deformation the yield strength
equaled the ultimate strength, so his head exploded into tiny
pieces. Fortunately, Gary's brain wasn't and integral and necessary
part of his body. Due to loss of all facial features, though, Gary
only lost 1 point of charisma (down to a 31 out of 100). He was still
capable of funtioning on a semi-normal level. By this time, the robot
was up and functioning. It scratched its "head" and said "Damn, I
could sure go for some expresso." Oh no, had the robot turned into an
art school student or the dreaded L S and Player? Chen was ready for
this and broke out his brand new anti-Artsy Fartsy reverser ray beam
and zapped the robot back to normal. With new found life, the robot
set about to destroy the Marshmallow Man. Unfortunately, Prof. Chen
mistakenly programmed the robot to destroy anything made of
marshmallows. The robot headed off towards the nearest Meijer to wreak
havoc on the defenseless mini-marshmallows. The robot never locked
onto the Marshmallow Man because he was hiding in the Ford Reactor at
the time. He was now the Radioactive Marshmallow Man. The newly
Radioactive Marshmallow Man walked out of the Ford Reactor ans saw our
heroine, Virgil, a now highly attractive female, and
smiled. Marshmallow Man swaggered up to our heroine and, while suavely
running his pudgy finger trhough his marshmallow mop top, he tried to
pick up Virgil. "hey babe, I bet you could make part of this big softy
real hard." At this point Virgil whipped out her gun.

Chapter 7

11/18/92

Virgil shot two rounds into the Marshmallow MAn's groin, which took
eight and on half weeks to travel the fifity-five meters. In the
meantime, Prof. Chen had noticed our attractive heroine and started
putting the moves on her. Virgil vainly tried to get rid of Prof. Chen
as he grabbed her and tried to kiss her. Meanwhile the Conduction Band
began playing "Kiss Him Good-bye."

Chapter 8

11/23/92

Devoid of all tought and reason, probably because she stayed up until
five AM, our heroine went to Toledo for some night-life. But, before
our heroine could even get off of North Campus she found herself
sitting in the North Campus Commons sipping an expresso with
Prof. Chen. As they were sitting there, the highly enraged Marshmallow
Man crashed through the windows and headed for our heroine. Our
heroine then proceeded to pull out her HK P9S 9mm pistol and M 79
grenade launcher. She put one round from the HK into Prof. Chen's
head, between the eyes of course, and fired the M 79 at the
Marshmallow Man. Suddenly, Gibala could be seen coming around the
corner with his ceramic hammer. His love for Virgil was too strong. He
knew the Marshmallow Man had to go. Unfortunately, Prof. Gibala
remembered that he died in Chapter 1 and fell to the floor at this
realization. (Editor's note: Lets not create anymore plot holes, OK?)

Chapter 9

11/25/92

The Marshmallow MAn, having no substantial body parts to detonate a
grenade, watched as the grenade flew harmlessly through him. It
impacted the Marshmallow Man's gallstones (which do have
substance). On impact the greande exploded and parts of flaming
marshmallow flew everywhere. The Marshmallow Man was now nothing more
than a pile of roasted marshmallow which Virgil began to
eat. Unfortunately th robot created by Prof. Chen had finished
destroying the local Meijer and was on his way back to North
Campus. The sight of so much exploding marshmallow overloaded the
robot's programming and it went on a rampage, targeting in on Bursley
Dining Hall. Unfortunately there were Rice Crispy bars for desert in
the dining hall. And everyone knows marshmallows are the key
ingredient in the bars. The robot smashed through the huge plate glass
windows of the dining hall and proceeded to pulverize the deser
island. Back at Cafe Pretentious our heroine was checking all clips
and reloading in preparation to take out the robot when she noticed
something on Prof. Chen's corpse.

Chapter 10

11/30/92

The remote control for the robot was on Chen's corpse, but a piece of
shrapnel was stuck in it. Unfortunately Virgil was a Naval Engineer
and didn't have a clue when it came to electronics. Had she been a
navel engineer (a belly button engineer) she would have known how to
remove the cioncidentally placed piece of shrapnel. Virgil grabbed the
remote control, still containing the piece of shrapnel, and went
looking for the robot. Virgil found the robot in the commons beating
the shit out of Prof. Van Vlack. Van Vlack screamed for help but the
whole MSE department was out of town. Van Vlack proceeded to charge
his capacitors to shock the robot. Virgil simply stood watching and
laughing as the robot kept pounding on Van Vlack. Pounding and
pounding and pounding and pounding, after several weeks of brutal
pounding the robot dragged Van Vlack over a carpet of tacks and dipped
him in alcohol, followed by a liberal rolling in a bed of salt. Van
Vlack's only reaction to the whole incident was to while in a pitiful
child-like tone "I'll never publish again. I'll never publish
again. I'll never publish again." The robot laughed hysterically and
screamed "This is for the Winter '92 MSE 250 students!"

Chapter 11

11/2/92

During the time the robot was beating up Prof. Van Vlack, Virgil went
to the Art School and got an arc welder. She then proceeded to weld
the robot's ankle joints. It was too bad the SiO2used as an
insulator in the arc welder had been replaced with simple ceramics. In
a flash of light, the ceramic exploded and blew up the entire lower
half of the robot. The enraged robot began to drag itself by its arms
toward our heroine. When it got to our heroine it discovered that she
had been killed by the explosion, so the robot then initiated self
repairs and proceeded to wreak greater destruciton on Noeth
Campus. Meanwhile, at the office of the Michigan Daily they heard
rummors that something was happening on North Campus, but since they
didn't have any "reporters" who knew what North Campus was, let alone
how to find it, they ignored they story. Back on North Campus the
robot was offering any passers-by a complimentary beverage before
thrashing their bodies into a bloddy pulp through a process not
dissimilar from a jucier.

Chapter 12

12/7/92

The robot was growing bored with all of the senseless violence. It was
also sick of the music school's senseless violins. The robot looked at
its watch, a Rolex, and it was 9:40 am on Wed. Heeey! The robot
remembered that this was when MSE 250 was, so he returned to the room
to see if there were any profs. or TA's left. As th robot busted into
the room 1013 Dow he found the remaining TA's flipping a coin to see
who the unluckly one would be to try to decipher Prof. Laine's notes
and give lecture. The man who won the toss was a silly looking, tired,
old man whose name no one could remember for more than a week. The
psycho-robot proceeded to bash the silly old man's head in, all the
while chanting, "Robots don't like MSE" with a stupid grin. The robot
then trashed the remaining TA's and profs. and smiled with
satisfaction, knowing that every MSE TA and prof. was dead. But wait,
didn't Ohio State, MSU, and Notre Dame all have MSE departments? The
robot's job was not yet done. As the robot was heading off to Ohio it
passed the commons and smelled coffee and decided to take a quick
detour to Cafe Pretentious. The robot got his espresso and was getting
ready to sit down and enjoy it when he noticed that there were no
seats. The robot got real mad and threw his boiling espresso at an
innocent looking art student.

Chapter 13

12/9/92

The art student got annoyed at the robot for throwing the coffee. She
pulled out a familar looking remote control, but it didn't have a
piece of shrapnel in it. She had always wanted to be an electrical
engineer but her parents made her become an art student. She presed
the self destruct button and instantly, the MSE departs of every
college and university in the world blew up. No one noticed at State
though. She then looked up at the robot and with a smile pushed the
other button on the remote control (this one was suppose to kill the
robot) but, her head blew up instead. The robot breathed a sigh of
relief and continued on to Ohio State, but on the way it fell in a
hole where the EECS building had been. And then from out of the sky
came a man clad in blue and red who dissassembled the robot and fired
beams from his eyes that slagged the robot. As he left he said but one
thing, "I'm not really dead, I'm just taking a four month rest."
Thanks to Superman life was able to get back to normal. North Campus
was rebuilt, and classes continued on as they had before Chapter
1. The End. (Editor's note: Due to time constraints the ending was
just sort of tacked on.)