live every moment

FUCK!!… It was an outburst of the frustration coming out for the nth time ever since I began to peddle this morning. Just like a shadow of disappointment that is gonna spread over the whole day, it came out for the first time early in the morning when the lazy ass-hole Samyak messaged that he will not be joining as the bloody scotch he had overnight has still got his body numbed and eyes sleepy. I was already on my gear and 2kms past my house. The pact we made the previous night was clear that he will go home and sleep. However it was foolish of me to believe that he would sleep a peaceful night on a Friday despite knowing the fact that he had just refilled his bar with all color of labels from Goa. Giving up, being not my style of commitment, I decided to carry on on my own, all alone to the most terrifying trail out of my city.

It was 1:45 in the noon and the sun was scorching above my head. My fill of water was long gone and again thanks to Samyak, that I was left with no food as I had left all the packed stuff at his house. I still get amazed at my stupidity most of the times. My parents should have gotten me tested for it. The few buns and the soda that I have had a few km away at the self-claimed condiment store would keep me up for 2 more hours, but later I had no clue what to do.

Surprisingly my bike was keeping up so well today. No puncture, despite the untidy trail for over 75 km. The initial few km of the trail was good. Some favourite old Hindi songs and very frequent vehicles passing by, and those innocent surprised looks on the country kid’s faces all had added fun to the lonely journey. But later, once I took that deviation from main road, it was human-less. I so much wish I was off into the jungle, so that at least I get to see some life in plants and trees and their inhabitants. But this one here, is just rocks, mud and crazy road with stones all over. There is no god-damn sign board to let me know where I am going. I am sure that Samyak’s GPS on his new phone would also not have been of much use here as my basic phone itself is devoid of its signal.

The only sound I hear after the battery in my iPod had dried down is of the same songs that gets playing in my mind. Guess it was few months back, did Chitra refilled my play-list with classic romantic numbers by Kishoreda and Rafi. She was so lovely in all these. Camping on a roadside after a long 100km of biking and both of us listening to these songs from a single ipod, one with each ear-bud, beneath a single sleeping bag was her all time dream. Silly girl. If everything had gone smooth, it would have been realized today. SHIT, No. Not those memories again. I told myself, Saggy, concentrate on the road. The nature is beautiful. Well, I couldn’t control laughing the next moment. It is only rocks and dirt all over and I am clinging to THIS nature to avoid the memories of my beautiful Chitra?? Now who is silly?

Well now my stomach is starting to bubble those gasses out indicating that I should eat. I check my watch to see the time, the same feeling always. Those silver hands over the majestic black dial with a red seconds hand, it always fills me with pride. Too Serious and boring, would have been Chitra’s comment now. She always liked flashy and girly things. I still remember the pain I went through in convincing her to select this watch against to her choice of some “mickey mouse” thing (which was choo cutee for her) on our fifth love anniversary or whatever she called it. It was a special gift from her and most enjoyed one for me than the Blue ruby pendant I gave. No matter how much ever stubborn she gets and all the drama she puts me through, even in front of the shopkeeper to my embarrassment, there is a charm in her approach. She always gets to know what is my limit and at that very point, agrees to whatever I say like sweet little doll. DAMN, why the hell I am not able to get over this girl. The more I decide not to think of her, the more she haunts.

Human thought process is so complex. A dead battery, a simple watch had taken me through all this chain of memories associated with it which are in the past. Why we always linger around those memories? Why cant we LIVE in this moment? My hunger is striking at me, the sun has taken an oath to sweat me to death, my bloody knee has already started to protest against my will to complete this stretch and there is no sign of any shop or even an existence of life in the near eye-sight distance, and the stupid mind still wanders around the old memories which is supposed to be a closed chapter in my life by now. Has anyone done any decent study on this and came up with a solution? It should be the first thing to do a check on it in google after going back.

I am however amazed by the pace at which I had moved when my stupid mind is busy on its thoughts.. I had come almost 25 more km, thus getting nearer to my destination, without realizing the strain that my muscles had gone through. The green valley that Chitra was telling must be somewhere nearby. God knows from where this girl will find out all this places to camp. It puts the whole of our senses into trouble throughout the path and finally when we reach there, it gives so much relief that we feel each step of trouble we took was worth. Usually it will always be a whole gang, again her convincing excellency, that will be going on such excursions, sometimes on bikes, sometimes in our cars and sometime just backpacking. But this is the first time I am all alone executing her plan.

Its not that I had not been alone on any such voyage. There were many instances before, though it was putting my marketing skills at test in convincing Chitra for that, I went alone biking or traveling with one final promise to call her at least once every 2 hours or asap as I got a signal. But this was different. I am all alone, like a loser and a loner going on to an unknown location. I have questioned myself many times before over a couple of days as what was my purpose in making this trip. After that depressing so called “Break-up” talk with Chitra, just a week back, though all my gang dropped this trip, why I cling to it? What I am going to prove? That I am not dependent on her? Whom I am going to prove it to? To her, or to myslef? Well the answers were so very different each time and none of it was totally convincing. May be Samyak was right in this. We never get answers for such questions when we seek it, and wen we actually get it, it will make more sense. To hell with him, I dint understand a single word of his explanation. Finally it was him who suggested that its not wise to go on alone to an unknown place when you had just broken up of your 6 year long relationship and offered he would join if I am ok with it. Asshole, finally he too ditched me.

Oh well, then there I saw. At last to my relief, a small petty shop. Wishing I would get something to eat there finally I decided to stop over. Time was 5 in the evening, and it was almost 7 hours since I had my breakfast of 4 idlis. Now I peddle harder so as to reach there soon, praying to that GOD, whose existence I still doubt. Finally I reach there and realize that its a small shop which served all the purpose of a village, a hotel, condiments, boutique and even medicines. The dukaanwala claimed to be a trained RMP doctor and practiced and most demanded tailor in all the surrounding villages. It was too late for lunch and too early for dinner. But my hunger was not late for anything, I managed to get some leftover rice bath, not sure of its state, but still was about to consume, to my relief the lady of the shopkeeper offered me some hot dosas and asked me to wait for 5 minutes. I helped myself with some boti and other stuff till then and hogged yummy dosas when it was ready. Later packed some for night and after telling them I would be coming back for an early breakfast, I left the place, The brewing coffee had refreshed my mind and I was off with a good spirit for rest of my journey enjoying the wonderful sunset to my right.

The sun was set and I was about a 10 km away from my planned destination, and it was pitch dark when my front wheel got a puncture. Well, nothing to worry as I had all the tools required to fix it up, I got to work. I opened my bag to take out a torch and FUCK again, I have forgotten it. Scared of the thieves and giving to my laziness I had got the little light fixed to my bike so that it cant be removed. It was not a easy distance to push the bike along till the camping site too. Helplessly I waited in the dark for a bright idea. I am not that bachan kid to get the idea at a flash. I waited, now hopelessly. Suddenly some bike was passing by and had stopped to esquire who I was. Then I requested them to throw some light at my wheel base and quickly fixed the puncture and bid a goodbye to them. This is the most wonderfully part of any travel. Most of the people we meet will always be kind and friendly. But I wonder, back in home, especially in the cities, why people are so mean?. Are we capable of being kind and helpful only to strangers and its all only jealousy and anger that we can show to our neighbours and fellow city dwellers? Thinking about where this civilisation was heading, I reached my green valley. As Chitra had explained, it was really a huge land of grass, mostly green which was not evident in the dark. There was no boundary, and no watchman. It was a free land. I figured out a place, and thanks to my expertise in putting up the tent, I managed to raise one even in the dark.

The place was good. There seemed to be villages all around, which was evident by those distant lights. There was a road passing by very near to the place, giving the safety feeling. I locked the bike to the tent with usual chain and vowing to the strain I had, went inside tent and collapsed inside my sleeping bag gazing at the sky through the netted opening in my tent, which I intentionally had kept uncovered. The stars were shining and the moon was getting almost into the circle.

I don’t understand the association but the sweet face of Chitra always come up whenever I gaze at the moon. What happened with Chitra? We were together almost for 6 years, ever since our graduation days. I always thought she understood me better than anyone, even better than my parents. But what has happened with her? Why was she so confused when I said what I want my destiny to be.

Well she always knew about it. Who else had known me better than her. How many times have we discussed about it. The way our lives are getting busier and how we are not getting time for family, the crucial materialistic attitudes that the younger generations are developing, the whole humanity that is being lost from the mankind. How many times had we discussed all these. How many times had she enlightened me with so many facts that had not even occurred to me. Now when I tell her that I want to research on this, perhaps the history and see if I can find a solution to all this in their way of life, she just burst out. Why dint she understand how important is this to me, and otherwise my whole life seemed pointless. I wanted to learn this, seek a solution and try to change the lives that is being forced into devastation. I thought she would understand. I thought she would support. But all she did was, called it a stupid idea and said I alone cant change anything. If everyone thinks they alone cant change, how is it going to change?

She just left me saying she can’t introduce me to her parents if I quit my job and spend my rest of life finding answers to some stupid questions. Is that so strong a reason that a lovely relationship of 6 years will end. Is she sleeping a good night’s sleep now with this decision. Am I the only one haunted by her so much? I am associated in her life as much as she has. How is she ok with this departing and I am suffering? Is this the mirage called love that I treasured all these years? Whats wrong with my friends? Why don’t they believe that a change is necessary? They all supported her in this. Am I really being stupid? Even Samyak, to whose idealistic thoughts I always get excited, told I am chasing a non realistic dream. What’s wrong with the world. Why they don’t want to change?

In-spite of so many questions and the slight headache that the cold breeze has started to bring, the immediate flash of Chitras face in my mind bought so much happiness. Yes, I am not angry on her. I just feel sorry for her. Its been 7 days since we had spoken after that day, where she said if I want her, I must give up such crazy thoughts of changing world and settle down as a family man. Like always Silly girl. I thought it was a usual debate and she will realize my limits and come back and agree to what I have said. But 7 days, too long man. We should have been listening to those romantic songs cuddling each other today on this cold night in the unknown land. Damn I miss her. What is the point of me riding all this way and camping here alone? I was assuming I am getting over her in doing all this but truly I am getting more towards her. If my passions were only important to me, why do I miss her now even after knowing that she will be a hurdle in achieving them? No I am not emotionally blinded, for 6 years is not a small time and 27 years is not an age where our emotions misguide the reasons. What is this blissful feeling I get when I think of her? Why it feels so content when I am in her company? Oh god what is this. Why is it so good. Well is love so powerful? Does it really has got strength to guide us always? Is this the solution? Suddenly it did occur to me, at that hour of night, that I was looking out for a solution when I had it right in-front of me all the time. I was experiencing it and yet was trying to find it somewhere outside. How could this not had occurred to me in all these months since the quest began.

I checked on my mobile if I had signal and yes I did. I dialled Chitra, and to my surprise she picked up the phone on its first ring. It was 2 in the night. I wanted to tell her that I had found the solution. That I became a step closer to my destiny, explain her how I realized it and how stupid I was to ignore this all these days. I wanted to convince her as how I need her support in making this reach out to people. She picked up the phone and all I was able to say was “I Missed you. Honey” She burst out crying and said she missed me too. Later I told her I will never let her go again and said how crazy I were to come here all alone and how much more it made me to miss her at this time. She laughed out saying a “You deserve it”. I thought I have all the time in world to talk about my passions, but not this moment.

Relief.. it is such a great felling and with a firm determination on my mind I drifted to sleep later. The pain in my thighs made it more sound and well rested. I was awakened by the chirping of birds. The sun was already up and I enjoyed the bright sunlight for some moments through the window of my tent and later came out. To my surprise, there she was. “What the … “ My beautiful Chitra standing out there waiting for me to wake up. That was the best moment witnessed of all these years. I so much pity Samyak, as I know exactly what would have happened and how much pestering he would have gone through to agree to drive her here so early in the morning. I am sure that bugger would not have settled for anything less than an intro of one of Chitras friends. She came running and hugged me. It was a blissful moment and it just made my belief in the answers I had found stronger. My future path was clear to me and yet again, decided that I would never ever let Chitra go away, and hugged her more tightly.

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19 Comments

AdarshFebruary 1, 2012 at 14:03

Hi Suhas,

This is so very different from rest of our posts and i must say it’s totally refreshing !!! With this you have entered the next level in writing !!! While i was reading it i was totally in the world that you had created for the reader and by the end of it i was i love with Chitra !!! Damn man !!! Ha Ha !!! I know it should have been such a pain in a** writing it n later editing n all but it was worth it !!!! Hats off !!! As i said before you should seriously think of writing a column for a newspaper !!!

Hey Adi, thanks a lot maga. Well, editing what i have writtenin first place is really a pain as its against my philosophy of “Live in moment”. But this one i was not sure of the one particular para where the protagonist had a realisation, that i have communicated what exactly in my mind. So i forced myself into an editing mode and just crossed a self drawn line. U are seeing the effect. Thanks again for those encouraging words. coming to writing a column. well i doubt i have it in me. .. lets se wats in store. 🙂 Cheers .

Great piece of work!! Your writing has the knack of holding the reader’s interest.. kept this reader glued right till the end. Depiction of introspecting over a loss and then ‘getting’ it back and at another place of ‘trying to be the change’ triggered a different thought process altogether.. All in all, a great shot!! you should definitely write often!

Thanks a lot Swetha.. Thats a very thoughtful review. U got the underlying message pretty soon and well. I always enjoy your critic. 🙂 I hope i will write more in coming days. had purposefully taken a break, Now its back. 🙂

No comments 🙂 Its amazin!!! Questionin myself if its me who reali wana be a journalist o you who come up wid such writin talent 🙂 Owe you man!! Love every word of yours ….<3<3 btw who is Chitra ?? 😛 still hauntin.. 😀

Thanks a lot Meera. Just cos i write well, i cant be a journalist. It needs something more than writing skill which i lack. Well. Chitra is just a character. Now she has become more than that in my life. I am being asked this everywhere. Guess that is the power of literature that it reaches to so many like this. 🙂

Al the best for you. i know its ur passion to be a good journalist. I wish u good luck!! be a responsible one. Our country needs such ones. 🙂 Keep reading my blog 😛 it may help even help u sometime, u can flick some words or a style. .. 😉 Celebrate life.. Cheers, Suhas.

Hey, I just came across your blog link on facebook and started reading. There was no way I’d read such a long article if not for the way you’ve scripted! Really brilliant! Message conveyed, I must say…
Loved the statement “If everyone thinks they alone cant change, how is it going to change?”
Couldn’t resist from commenting 🙂

Chitra…!!! i know thou not this chitra some other Chitra does exist in your life .. but the Climax is jus ossum, it jus gets u to be a part of the story… sooperb narration , all bits n pieces in the story comes in front o u with the beautiful story,, ee story enara film madidre naane heroineu..!! 😉
sakkath bro………… feeling short o words also feeling conscious dat my words arent even matching to put in a comment for beautiful narration…!! sakkathagide.. 🙂

Thank you Pe. Thats an amazing way of putting your appreciation. Just let the thoughts flow and believe anything u say/write straight from your heart, will never fail to reach the heart, just like your comment here. Never feel conscious.. atleast not with wid ur bro. 🙂

Movie, nodona. if i can adapt it to a sensible screenplay, definitely u ll play the role. My word 🙂

Superb…,,!!:-) Just loved this dude,.i have to appreciate the fact that, it takes a lot of effort and talent to come up with such a piece of sheer beauty.,.kudos to it..;-) I could relate myself to the protagonist, which was the best part..,Keep up the good work.,!

Hey good narration… I read ur blog after such loooooooong time… n to read such a good piece of story feels really good….. Good work suhas… Keep it up…:):) Next time u post a blog drop a mail..:):) wld luv to read such stories..:)

Thanks megha!! in some kind of void!! but u can expect another one soon. u can subscribe on the home page. just write in ur mail id in the subscription section and u willl get mail updates!! Thanks for all the support!!! Keep reading!!!

Good expressive skills.. The simple story line makes it relatable. I felt the description of travel too long for a story intended to communicate tender feelings related to a relationship. Liked the way the following lines are written – ‘Too late for lunch and too early for dinner, but my hunger was not late for anything’. ‘the only sound I hear………………the one playing in my mind’. Incidents like the one where you speak of chitra knowing the protoganist’s limit, -asking who is silly in the paragraph before that, -description of samyak and hinting he might have asked for an intro to her friend makes the story convincing.
Over all, grt maiden attempt, cheers buddy:):)

Was missing your feedback on blog Ashu.. 🙂 Thank you very much for posting.. You were the first reviewer of this story and these words was such a boost to the confidence.. 😛 Keep reading and keep sharing your thoughts on these posts,… Cheers 🙂