Pages

Monday, July 14, 2014

Fear

I've had fear since this pregnancy began. Some times it seems less and other times it is in full force. I think this is something that each woman pregnant after infertility deals with in her own way. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to deal. My fear is back and I think its because I'm so close to 24 weeks and the big "V". I have read so many blogs of woman getting so close to their 24 weeks and losing their baby or babies. This scares the hell out of me. I have made it so far. I still listen to to their heartbeats every single day. I compare my pregnancy to others in my twin groups (which I shouldn't). I feel some movements. On Wednesday I will be 22 weeks and still no kicks :( It is so hard to see all the other twin moms in my group talking about feeling kicks at 18 weeks and husbands are feeling them also. I guess it just adds to all my fear about this pregnancy. I wish there was a crystal ball that could tell me that my girls will be born into this world. I know there are SO many people out there that can't understand where I am coming from because they have never experienced all the losses and years of treatment and that is okay with me. I keep getting told by everyone that the girls will be fine and to quit worrying. Well honestly, no one knows that for sure. I look at their cute little faces on the u/s pics daily that are taped to my computer. I smile when I hear the their little heartbeats on the doppler and feel little bubbles in my tummy. I hope everyday that I will meet these two girls and be their mom. I look at their cribs and imagine them laying in there giggling and just staring at me, as I stare at them. This has been my biggest struggle in life. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant and hoping it is not taking away from me. As for today they have nice strong heartbeats at 165 and 168 and I am doing everything I can to keep them healthy and alive.

Please universe, let us have this gift........................................

Let me make it to 24 weeks, then 27 weeks, then 30 weeks, then 34 weeks (at least). If you are feeling generous I would love to make it to 37 weeks :)

Carrying them has been the hardest and most rewarding thing to happen to me in a very long time. Regardless of the hardship of carrying twins physically, nothing compares to growing two little humans in your body. It absolutely amazes me.

14 comments:

This post brought back so many memories. Because I had a very similar experience. I was completely terrified of losing my Beats, particularly in the between the 18-24 week mark. And in the fact that I wasn't able to feel them kicking (I even had NSTs where they were moving like crazy and I couldn't feel them, which shocked the nurses) and I was a wreak.

Sure, there are going to be people who tell you to stop worrying and that everything will be fine. It will be especially hard coming from people who should know better. So ignore them. Instead focus on getting through the next moment, the next part of the day, the next day and even the next week. Break it down into manageable components. And when it gets too hard and too overwhelming, call your OB or MFM and request an ultrasound. What ever you need for reassurance, no guilt or shame. Because you've been through enough and this pregnancy has been far from easy. So do what you need to do to keep yourself sane and take care of your girls. Anyone who pooh-poohs you can go play in traffic.

I have been carrying this fear of the past few weeks. Tomorrow marks the "big V day" for me and I've been holding my breath. These past few weeks have brought a lot of growing and aches and pains that I've had to convince myself many times is OK. Thinking of you and hoping that the time passes quickly but not too quickly so you can get those moments of joy as well!

I stand in agreement that you will make it to 37 weeks and no harm will come to you or those baby girls in the time between. I break off the spirit of fear over you and speak peace into your life! (I know you aren't a believer but I am and believe in the power of your tongue). Can't hurt anyway right? ;-)

Sorry the fear as at a high-point right now...I totally understand how it can come and go in waves. And it's not something you can just brush away when people encourage you to relax. 24 weeks is definitely a huge milestone, but didn't really put me at ease at all. I think I'll be a little fearful until this kiddo is in my arms...and then I'll still probably worry from time to time! I'll continue sending positive vibes your way for a nice long twin pregnancy with healthy babies!

About Me

Hi everyone! I married the love of my life on April 24, 2010. I guess it took a little longer then I thought to find him. I do have a daughter and she is 16 years old. I got pregnant with her when I was 20, wow have times changed. I never thought that having a second child would be such a challenge. Here I am 38 and ttc. We have 7 iui's under our belt and two failed ivf attempts and 5 chemical pregnancies and 1 miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat. Everyday of struggling hopefully brings us one day closer to having a baby or one day closer to moving on without one.
Recently I was diagnosed with:
Positive APA Panel, ANA, Th 1/Th2, Factor XIII mutated, PA1 mutation, MTHFR mutation. Working with Dr. Kim and a new protocol.