about the talking fish

Thursday, November 29, 2001

My problem with Denise and Erik is over...for now.

It's been yet another instance of me being given the "friend speech." You probably know how it goes...just when you reveal to the girl your feelings for her, she goes, "I'm sorry but I can't reciprocate your feelings," or something related to that. Romantic cynics say, this speech just means, "You're pushing your luck too far."

I'm not sure I agree to that though. I was lucky this time, I guess; things didn't turn out as bad as I thought. Denise and I still remain friends and we've acted literally as if my confession never happened. There hasn't been any voluntary isolation on her part either. We're still largely the same two out-of-whack weirdos we've been in the past three months. Judging at how bad things may potentially have become, I never really expected anything like this --- anything this good --- to happen.

Erik and I aren't any closer however. I'm beginning to lose hope with him. Oh well. There's only so much I can do for the person; he'll have to sort his feelings out himself.

Sunday, November 25, 2001

Saturday, November 24, 2001

I had to fetch my sister from my high school the other night. They were having this movie awards night event modeled after the Oscars, and the movies on award were their batches' own creations. It was part of Zobel's grand 23rd Foundation Week celebration.

I found it all so commercialized. Something about Zobel now seems as if it's trying too hard to attract people's attention. Everything's covered with banners for pizza companies, cellular phone service providers, teen magazines and whatnot. They invited celebrities and bands either to perform in between awards or to present the awards themselves. Everything I saw that night proved my suspicions of how cheap my high school alma mater's students --- and their parents --- really are.

My favorite aunt, Tita Vik, mentioned something about Zobel back in All Saints' Day (November 1st). She said Zobel was the school of choice for the "nouveau rich." They are those who keep flaunting their wealth to the world because they want every fucking soul on the planet to know that they struck it big-time. This was because the nouveau rich usually started out poor, with nothing to flaunt.

It's rather ironic that the family De La Salle Zobel is named after is known for being the classic example of the "old rich." The Zobel de Ayalas are secure of themselves and their wealth, hence there is no need for them to flaunt anything. They've been rich for ages, but you can spot them on weekends in Forbes Park, wearing tank tops and cycling shorts, pedaling on mountain bikes to the nearest deli. Honorable, they are. Rich Filipinos should take a hint from them.

DISCLAIMER:Okay, I've been very silent the past few weeks. I haven't posted anything here in such a long time. In reality however, I've been mulling over a few personal problems over the course of my "sabbatical". I just didn't feel as if posting personal problems here would be any good simply because they'll cease to be personal the second I hit the "publish" button on my blog editor. Worse, I feel responsible for the egos and feelings I may hurt in posting my thoughts. I'll hide any real-life characters behind fictional names just in case.

Anyway...(sigh)...here goes shit...

---
Erik and I are newfound college friends, coming from different schools. During our first term the two of us were good buddies; it seemed like we thought and acted alike, with a few differences (e.g. he smokes and I don't, he likes R&B while I loathe it, etc.).

When the second term started I [slowly] realized that Erik was drifting away from our group. He was smoking more often and he later seemed dazed and distracted, as if he lost his focus somewhat. I was late in realizing that he'd broken up with his girlfriend at the end of the first term (around September), which I believe is the reason for his behavior. Being the friend I am, I told him about what I felt and he was okay about it.

As the 2nd term went along, I found myself getting acquainted with Denise. To put it bluntly, I'll admit I recently developed a crush on her. I was beginning to think about whether I should go court her, or simply remain her friend until some other time. I was still mulling about this when Erik came into the picture and began to get close with Denise as well. She's been very receptive to his charms.

To be honest, I think I'm way behind compared to Erik. People who've known me a long time know me as a torpe guy...your timid unromantic loser incapable of making the first move. Erik, in comparison, has had previous relationship(s)...it doesn't take much of a genius to find out who wins out over whom. Other people have noticed this going on and are left uneasy about it.

Here's my problem. Although it makes me jealous and irritated to see Erik and Denise with each other directly in front of me, I feel I'm not obligated to tell any of them how angry/annoyed I really feel. First off, both people are my friends. I don't want to lose them, especially Erik, since I'm actually more concerned about his behavior than most, even though I'm reserved about it. Second, I've heard that Denise's reception toward Manny is her normal treatment toward her male friends. Without being too forward, I am just worried that Erik might be patching up the hole left by his recent breakup with a love that doesn't quite hold its weight in gold, much less water. Lastly, I am now questioning whether or not Denise is a friend of mine worth keeping or not...not because of something she's consciously done, but because of her underlying behavior. If I may put it correctly, I think Denise has successfully teased both Erik and I, either consciously or unconsciously.

I've been thinking about this over the last week, and I think the best way to solve this is to stay away from both of them and act with full restraint. Not because I detest them, but because this is what I think is the right decision. Sacrifices must be made, and although I personally feel I've been making too many of them in my short life, I willfully concede to Erik if it's going to help our friendship in any way.

---
We had this volleyball game yesterday against another block. We won! Although I really feel I should practice more...

---
It's kind of sad knowing that the girl you like is being courted by your best friend. When I look back at my high school days (and how I loathe looking back at high school days), I regret the many times I developed crushes on girls with boyfriends or suitors. When will I ever grow myself the spine to court the girl(s) I like? I feel like a hopeless case.

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

Friday, November 09, 2001

Today I learned that going to your nearest arcade (in my case, Timezone) and playing games of Percussion Freaks and Dance Maniax is equivalent to jogging laps. I learned that first-hand.

After my games I drove home and tried jogging my usual 4-5 laps around the 600m church-barangay hall-park triangle. At my second lap my sides were already aching. Hmmm...Konami's games are more athletic than I thought. Too bad not enough people play them, especially my beloved Percussion Freaks...

Had a great couple of days. In PEONEPF (simply, the first PE subject in DLSU) we were involved in a little contest. We were supposed to make like the Pep Squad and perform pyramids and other such formations. We managed to perfect our group's pyramid with 20 minutes' worth of planning and 10 seconds' worth of execution. Great! I feel like I can do anything...

Well, anything perhaps play basketball. I suck at that. I'll take volleyball anytime.

Tuesday, November 06, 2001

Upon reading my entry two days ago, Tita Vik appealed to me via e-mail. She was concerned because I may not have to stand the company of my high school classmates here in DLSU, but I may have to when I get into a hotshot advertising agency. She told me this out of concern and personal experience.

I am thankful for her concern. But this isn't just something I merely cooked up at the night of the party. I've been feeling like this since sixth grade---and it's been quite a long while. Seven years, in fact.

I attended Carmela Sogono's debut last night. (She's a high school classmate of mine.) I was expecting more of my high school classmates to attend since it was semestral break time for Ateneo and UP people.

Honestly, I had high hopes for the occasion. Aside from being happy for Mela, I thought it would be as if my classmates and I would be thirsting for each other's company. (Okay, that was greatly exaggerated.) At the very least, though, I thought we'd update ourselves with lively chat and whatnot.

I don't know how I managed to delude myself into thinking that a reunion like this would be the sort of thing I'd be looking for two terms into college. When I met most of my old classmates, I realized that I didn't care for them anymore. I couldn't care less how they were purportedly losing sleep and getting low grades in Ateneo or getting confused in UP. I don't fucking care. They can burn in hell.

I realized that I SHOULDN'T have cared for them too damned much way back in high school. All the efforts I put into being cordial with these people actually amounted only to them using me. I felt so used: they don't even remember me or have a sincere chat. A simple "Hello" seals the dour welcome for most of those insensitive cads.

Ever since I met my wonderful college blockmates, I've been in a fix concerning my past. Half of me wanted to visit every one of them and ask about how life was in Ateneo or UP. My other half wanted to burn past bridges and forget all but my dearest high school friends. It's rather obvious which side won out in the end.

I wonder if Mom was right about the same thing happening to relationships...

copyright legalese

All original post content on this blog is copyright of Juan Miguel de Leon, 2001-2010. I expressly forbid anyone to take content from my blog and post it as their own without my express permission. (Yes, it has happened before.)

The "565" blog template used on this blog is copyright Douglas Bowman of www.stopdesign.com, 2004.

The views reflected in this blog are purely the opinions of the writer and not of any affiliated associations.