Ten Ways To Get Rid Of Unwanted Boners

By now you’ve seen the Emergency Alert from the CDC and reports in the news of a severe outbreak of unwanted boners in North America. Typically, people have flocked to the Interwebs for information and directions during national crises, and just as typically, there is a lot of misinformation about what to do if you are a victim. It is the purpose of this article to protect our members—and our members’ members—from dangerous and harmful advice. Below is a list of 10 common suggestions actually posted on the Internet about what to do if you find yourself an unwanted boner owner, each followed by our recommendations.

1. Think of something anti-sexual.

Oh, sure. Who do they think we are? Houdini? I mean, really, it’s asking a lot.

2. Run out of the room as fast as you can.

Yes. We actually like this one, with a caveat: As you run out of the room, flail your arms around and scream, “Boner! Boner!”

3. Stay seated. Cross your legs.

No. Have you ever seen a baseball bat break in half and part of it goes flying towards the third baseman? Need we say more? Besides, if you can cross your legs you don’t have that big of a problem.

4. Wear a cup. A small, concealing athletic cup should work in this situation.

Definitely not. Have you ever worn a cup? Have you ever worn a cup with a boner? It’s like cramming one of those big Italian salamis into a Vienna sausage can. I actually tried to cram my boner into a Vienna sausage can once. Let’s just call it an experiment gone awry.

5. Try putting a rubber band around your leg and tucking your member under it.

Although there are many rubber items that work well with boners, a rubber band is not one of them. No.

6. Put your hands in your pockets and hold it down.

No. That’s what they call “pocket pool.” Instead of being known as the guy who sometimes gets boners, you’ll be known as the guy who is always diddling himself. Good luck with that.

7. Duct tape it down then put your pants over it.

Are you out of your mind? I’m gonna find this guy who suggested this and horsewhip him. Unless you want your penis waxed, forget this one.

8. Go to the rest room and relieve yourself and it will go down.

Can’t argue with the logic, but it’s impractical and could have unwanted repercussions (see #6). Well, okay. Just don’t get caught.

9. Slam it in the principals door.

Oh, I’m getting a headache. Um…yes. Definitely do this. Works instantly, and you’ll never have to worry about boners again.

10. Think of your parents having sex!

Whoa. This technique is for advanced boner hiders ONLY. You can irreparably damage your psyche and render yourself forever flaccid if you try this and you’re not ready. Do not attempt unless you’re a professional!

The IUB’s ultimate recommendation is to do nothing. Boners are natural and unavoidable, and who says women don’t like seeing that she has aroused a guy? It could work out well for you. It’s like hanging a sign in front of your shop saying, “Yes, We’re Open!” So the next time you experience extreme penile ossification (that’s a raging hard-on, to you non-scientists), carry it as a knight carries his staff, and go forth to conquer new lands in the name of freedom.