Dear Santa-ji…Thanks, Manmohan

‘Tis the season when, the world over, mailbags are stuffed to bursting with Christmas requests for Santa Claus.

One letter addressed to “Santa-ji, c/o the North Pole,” sent from a return address of “You Know the Number, Race Course Road, New Delhi” fell into the hands of India Real Time. In the public interest (and strictly just for fun) we have reproduced it here.

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Santa baby, slip some onions under the tree for me…

Xmas Eve 2010

Dear Shri Claus:

Here is my Christmas list this year.

1. Please drop a large bag of onions down every chimney in India. For the hundreds of millions of Indians who don’t have a chimney, please use the front door. For those without front doors, please leave it next to the charpoy.

If any children catch you and ask why you aren’t bringing them toys, tell them everyone needs to do their part to bring down inflation. If they ask you what inflation is, tell them their parents know all about it and to ask them.

2. Please release more tapes of influential foreign-born lobbyists saying indiscreet things to well-known media personalities. These appear to provide endless entertainment for all those gossipy cocktail-party types that I never really enjoy meeting but have learned to greet with a benign if somewhat vague grin because I am the Prime Minister and live in central Delhi.

If you can release more tapes, it means I can beg off these interminable functions by saying I am dealing with government crisis. And the tapes provide a most welcome distraction from that 2G nuisance.

3. Speaking of 2G nuisance, can you work some magic on forming alternative political parties throughout the country that might support my coalition government without disgracing it at the same time? I’m not one to feel sorry for myself and I am trying always to work very hard with our coalition allies.

But just think if your position as Gift Giver to the Entire World depended on your ability to get support for every single toy choice from a group of elves on the one hand and a herd of reindeer on the other? Tell me you wouldn’t make some unsavory compromise in the interests of workshop harmony.

Really, I envy your ability to oversee your means of production and distribution with such a firm (dare I say it, authoritarian?) hand. I said the same to Wen Jiabao when he was here last week. He gave me knowing look.

4. Could you please deliver something particularly nice—like one-way First Class air ticket to Boston—to Subramanian Swamy. He’s an old friend. He keeps noting that he has known me for four decades. But I don’t think perhaps I have held up my end of the friendship as well as I should have.I didn’t write to him daily when he was away teaching at Harvard, for instance.

In retrospect, this may have been a mistake and he may be suffering from injured feelings since he appears determined to single-handedly drag me into this 2G nuisance (see Nos. 2 and 3 above) and tarnish my reputation for integrity. (Just in case you’re wondering, I think I’ve been good this year; in fact, I think I’ve been pretty good for all my 78 years.)

In any case, I’d like to make it up to Mr. Swamy and I think arranging for some luxurious transportation back to where he came from might do the trick. OK, OK, it might help us both, but isn’t that what they call a “win-win” where he’s going?

5. This is the season of Peace, right? That’s wonderful. Let’s do something with it. Like make friends with Pakistan. Really, Claus-ji, this would be the gift of all gifts for Christmas. And if anyone can do it, I can. Sorry, I mean, you can.

I took a crack at it last year. But things rather soured when I sent Foreign Minister S.M. Krishna (no presents for him, please) to Islamabad in the summer to meet with counterpart Shah Mahmood Qureshi (definitely nothing for him) I need your help in getting this back on track and I have a plan.On my part, I will continue to insist that Pakistan renounce terror so that we can move forward on substantive issues and we’ll hold periodic talks for a day or two either here or there.

All you have to do is stop Pakistan’s spy agency from supporting terror groups, bolster the fledgling democracy of President Asif Ali Zardari (maybe something small for him, as encouragement), reduce the influence of the Pakistani military, fundamentally alter the mindset of a 170-million strong nation about India’s intentions, and convince 1.2 billion Indians that making peace with our old enemy doesn’t amount to a sell-out. Hope it is not too much to ask.

Enough, I have taken up too much of your time already. I know you are busy. We all are!

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