Support for Family Issues

Domestic Violence_

I was in a marriage that was unpredictably dangerous, as well as mentally debilitating. I married a man just like my dad. My dad would get drunk and become destructive and smash up the furniture in the house, the walls, everything thing that got in his way.

I remember one time after he had gotten wasted and came home late, my mother was ready to leave him. He picked me up by my throat, suspended in the air against the wall and held me there. My mother began to cry. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his pocket knife, held it to my throat. He told my mother if she left him, he would slit my throat.

This was my life at 5 years old. But no matter what, children always love their Dads. When I was eight my dad died of an aneurism in front of me and when my mother was pregnant with my baby sister. I know my sister probably wishes she could have met him. But I think because she didn’t she grew up happy and she even married healthy.

My mother never did remarry. I am starting to think she had a point.

When I met my ex-husband I had two children that I was raising alone. I was on well-fare and public housing. I struggled and was barely making it. My exhusband

promised me the world. A week or two later he convinced me he loved me. Right away he wanted to move in and right away the craziness began. Eventually, I ended up marrying him because he said, he would kill himself if I didn’t. He promised that if I married him and had his children he would change. I married him and instead of this great husband I wanted I got my dad just in another body this time. My ex took control of my home. He never would keep a job. He exploited my finances. When he wouldn’t get his way he would make us pay.

He would have these fits of rage where he would destroy my home; smashing everything in sight. Oh,

especially gifts from my mother and sister. Daniel was verbally and physically abusive. One time he

kicked me when I was pregnant with his son. The next day I delivered our son, not knowing if he

would be normal. After one of his psychotic fits of rage he’d calm down and he would always be so

apologetic and sweet but always claimed he didn’t remember what had happened. He would have an

anger outburst then disappear for days. He would never work and every three months like clockwork

everything would happen all over again.

After dealing with this for years, Daniel threw his last fit of rage with me and my children around; I

called shelter with nowhere else to go. I wasn’t sure how I would be able to have a different life or even

if that was possible. Many times I had made my ex-husband leave but it was understood that he could

always come back because I could not afford childcare and a place to live. He knew that I couldn’t afford

both. So, I always would have to allow him back into my home. I was so scared. I was so alone I

didn’t see away out. I didn’t have any friends that I could talk to. I had his family but they always

conspired with him for me to take him back; after all, he watched his mom get beat up by his dad for

years. She always stayed!

I swallowed my pride and went to the shelter. After shelter I went to The Bridge’s Transitional Housing

Program. As I quickly bonded with other women there that were in the same situation as me, I

took advantage of many of the programs you offered. There I was taught the cycle of abuse; without

anyone telling me I saw the whirlwind that this relationship had taken. I began to understand and

learn how I had married someone just like my father and if I did not break this cycle now; my children

were destined to repeat the pattern that I printed out for myself. I had to break this cycle. The

Bridge offered referrals for my children and me. Counseling from certified professionals that I took

full advantage of because I needed to completely reprogram my mind—for all this I never had to pay a

cent.

While there, I received help from you so I could finish my college education because you taught me that

being self-sufficient was another key to breaking hazardous patterns of relationships. I began studying

Mental Health and learned so much about drug use and different types of abuse in my college

courses that I was taking. People began to see a new me. I was beginning to see a light at the end of

the tunnel and after a while, I got a job at a local School District as a Teacher’s Aide. It was an adaptive

behavior program where the students were mentally disturbed. The things that I learned in shelter

and in college proved to be invaluable. The first year I was an aide our program became so successful

that two of the teachers over the next years both got hired at other schools as principals. My supervisors

were very impressed with my knowledge on the students’ mental health and the insight I had

into the issues in their homes. For the first time in my life my opinions were sought out and I was listened

to.

I continued to do to my weekly support groups at the shelter. I also took an assertiveness class and this

taught me how to say no to my ex-husband and to others who could drain you not even knowing it. I took

parenting classes; every resource I used there again was free.

When I left the shelter I continued to see my caseworker and stay in close contact with the shelter because I had always felt safe there. Eventually, I graduated college with a counseling degree but since I was already working for the district I was promoted to a teacher. Because of my work as an aide I was sought out majorly by schools in my district. I had gotten so many phone calls from Principals in my district that one afternoon I had to unplug my phone because I was tired of it ringing. I had made a verbal commitment to the school that I interviewed with (the same school I am at now), but had not yet signed a contract so it looked like I was still available. There was this one principal I had to hang up on in a nice way, because she would not take no for an answer. She would not let me get off the phone. I told her I had to go with integrity, even though it was a position that I wanted. I did not want to start out my new career by upsetting a Principal after I had told her I would work there. It was a good thing too because my Principal was the President of her Principal Association.

I remember my first paycheck as a teacher—I thought I was rich because my salary had just tripled. I was so happy the day I no longer qualified for welfare and food stamps. Last year, I bought our first home and it was then I realized I was not rich at all, so last August I went back to school to work on my Masters Degree in Education Administration. I now have just less than a year in my Masters Degree program. This summer I received another promotion to District Behavior Specialist. God is good!

Recently, I just wrote my first book which will be out in less than two months and I have been working on my second one. I am also the founder and President of MRCA (Mothers Raising Children Alone). Our mission is to get scholarships to single parent homes—whether it is a Mom, Dad, a Grandparent, guardian or child. If you think I am just bragging too much on myself then you have really, truly missed my point. It…is… not... about... me! With out The Bridge I would still be in a very bad situation without hope. “Where there is no hope the people perish.” I would still probably be on welfare and wondering every day if mychildren and I were going to be killed in one of my ex’ psycho fits of rage.

Take
me away from the beating and the pain
Let me sing the sad songs again,
Do not let him in my house anymore
I have tried, but it is hard to walk out the door.

For all the sad songs I have sung today
Help keep me safe in every way,
Love is my only crime
I married a man who was not kind.

Take away the bruises I have
Do not look, you may become sad,
For all the songs that I have sung to be free
Help me and my children find peace.

Can I sing of what was once mine
Will the police come back another time,
I will give it my all, I stay in the hospital
With no one to call.

Please care a little, for a lost soul
I will not die, I will give my life,
To the doctors and nurses who care a little
Understand me now, a sad song I sing
I am the one who can bring it to an end
I will be strong, I will not be beaten again.

Role Models of America faces facts and uses honesty to bring real answers to our hurting world. God is the only way to solve these heartbreaking issues. Please know we are praying for the innocent lives everyday that are battered and sometimes killed. This poem was given to us by a Role Model who works in a batterd women's shelter. Please read... please pray.. please get involved to help make a difference in the lives of other women and children.

DADDY IT HURTS

My name is Chris, I am three, My eyes are swollen. I cannot see.

I must be stupid, I must be bad, What else could have made, My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my mommy, Would still want to hug me.

I can't do a wrong, I can't speak at all, Or else I'm locked up, All day long.

When I'm awake, I'm all alone, The house is dark, My folks aren't home.

When my mommy does come home, I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll just get, One whipping tonight.

I just heard a car, My daddy is back, From Charlie's bar

I hear him curse, My name is called, I press myself, Against the wall.

I try to hide, From his evil eyes, I'm so afraid now, I'm starting to cry.

Domestic violence is never ok in a marriage. You already know this, and you know what it is doing to you. I know you have searched your heart to find out what you are doing to cause this. Did you solve it?

What is causing this to happen? I hear your heart crying out this question.

Sometimes it's drug related..... is he on drugs?

Alcohol can also trigger it to start happening .... is there alcohol in your life? And what about his? Once done, this becomes a habit and a form of reaction.

Is it the result of childhood trauma? Was he physically abused as a child and so has continued the damaging form of abuse in his adulthood?

Is it the result of control issues? He is angry and wants to control the situation so the only way he knows how to is with violence.

Still others use it as a way of reacting to anger. It's a sick form of release. Is this it?

There are others, but these are the usual violence triggers. Is this happening to you? Don't' wait... why wait? Wait until what? Wait until it happens again? Go talk to someone today! Start changing your life right now!

So you are thinking about getting married.You’ve met someone and you’ve fallen in love.You want to get married, yet you have just a slight hesitation because of the way he occasionally acts and reacts.What are some of the Warning Signs of a Potential Abuser?

First take a look at his parents.Do his parents mistreat each other in any way?

Is he extremely over protective of you?

Does he want ALL of your attention and becomes angry and even acts out his jealousy when you talk to your friends on the phone, visit with your friends, or tell him you have other plans?

Do you feel like he is watching you constantly even when you just leave the room just to go to the restroom.

Does he ever grab you too hard, push or shove you, or even hit or punch you especially when he is angry?

Is he mean to your pet(s) or animals?

Do you both share in financial decision making?

Does he tell you how to dress and how not to dress?

Does he call you names or put you down at any time, but especially in public or in front of your friends and family?

Does he even jokingly make comments about violent behavior he’d like to do to you or someone else?

If you answered any of the questions with a Yes, BE VERY CAREFUL, the Love of your Life could be or become an Abuser.Always remember, whatever he does before you are married is always multiplied and magnified after you are married.

Before saying “I Do”, ask yourself, is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life or bring children into this world to live in?

We’ve all watched scary movies where the evil villain stalks the victim to scare us, all the CSI’s find a lot of clues to solve their TV Crime Dramas when they find where the murderer was hiding, waiting for, watching or stalking the victim.

In real life, what is stalking?It is when one person intentionally acts or does something that is directed towards another person that causes that person to either fear for their safety or the safety of their close acquaintances or family.For instance it might mean following the person or just letting the person know they are there somewhere.The stalker may even leave clues.It could also mean spying on or watching at a distance.It can be verbal or written threats to the victim through phone calls, letters, and messages or emails.This verbal or written threat must be made on at least two occasions before it is considered to be stalking.

Would you believe it, anyone can be a stalker?It doesn’t matter whether the person is male, female, young, old, rich or poor.

Forensic psychologists have identified three basic “obsessed” types of stalkers:

Love Obsession.This type of stalker becomes fixated on casual acquaintances, complete strangers or celebrities.The stalker will attempt to establish some type of relationship with the victim even if it is a negative relationship.Most often thethrough writing.They want any type of relationship with the victim.

Simple Obsession.This is the most common type of stalker because when investigated there has been some type of prior personal or romantic relationship.This is also referred to as “Fatal Attraction”.The stalker “perceives” some type of mistreatment and attempts to restore the relationship or seek some type of retribution.This is the most dangerous type of stalker where there has been some type of previous relationship because they are most likely seek to murder their victimbecause they have the mentality “If I can’t have them nobody can.”

Ertomania.This type of stalker is characterized by the delusion that the stalker is loved by the victim.Just about all the stalkers in this category suffer most often .from a mental disorder.They will most often they will not attempt to talk face to face with the victim, but will use other methods of contact.

HOW DO YOU PROTECT YOURSELF?

Make sure you know who is at your door BEFORE opening it.A wide-angle viewer is suggested for all your doors.

Be cautious of any unusual packages or boxes on your property that you know you didn’t order.Do not disturb the objects.TRUST YOUR GUT FEELINGS.If you don’t recognize the shipping label and you know you didn’t order anything or the shipping is unknown, call the Police right away.

Never leave your doors or windows unlocked.

Children need to be accompanied to school and bus stops.

If you suspect or know you are being watched or stalked, inform trusted neighbors, on-site manager, security or local police of the situation.If possible, provide them with a picture of the suspected stalker.

STALKING IS NOT A FUNNY HARMLESS PRANK.IT ISVERY DANGEROUS AND IS ILLEGAL!!

You know you are living in a Domestic Violence situation.The situation is escalating, things are getting worse with each episode and they are becoming more frequent.You now do not only fear for your own safety, but that of your children as well.

Where do you start?What do you do?

Call the

U.S.A.

National Domestic Violence Hotline.

2.Start Planning and Working on your Safety Plan.

Here are a few suggestions from the Texas Council on Family Violence (www.tcfv.org) in

Austin

,

Texas

.

If there is an argument, try to be in a place that has an exit and not in a bathroom, kitchen or room that may contain weapons.

Practice getting out of your home safely.Identify which doors, windows, elevator, or stairwell to use.

Pack a bag and have it ready at a friend’s or relative’s house.

Identify one or more neighbors you can tell about the violence, and ask them to call the police if they hear a disturbance coming from your home.

Devise a code word to use with your children, family, friends and neighbors when you need the police.

Inform your children’s school, day care, etc. about the situation and who has permission to pick up your children.

Decide and plan where you will go if you ever have to leave home.

Always keep The Local Emergency Shelter phone number, a calling card and some change with you at all times.

CHECKLISTFOR WHAT YOU NEED TO TAKE WHEN YOU LEAVE

Identification

¨Driver’s License

¨Birth Certificate

¨Children’s Birth Certificates

¨Social Security Cards

Financial

¨Money and/or credit cards (in your name)

¨Checking and/or savings account books

Legal Papers

¨Protective Order (if you have one in place)

¨Lease, rental agreement and house deed

¨Car registration and insurance papers

¨Health and Life insurance papers

¨Medical records for you and your children

¨School Records

¨Work permits/Green Card/Visa

¨Passport

¨Divorce and custody papers (if you have one)

¨Marriage License

Other

¨Medications for you and your children

¨House and Car Keys

¨Valuable jewelry

¨Address Book

¨Pictures and Sentimental items

¨Change of clothes for you and your children

If at all possible, have a previously designated place to leave your pets.

I got flowers today.It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.We had our first argument last night,And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.It seemed like a nightmare.I couldn't believe it was real.I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.I know he must be sorry.Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,And it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.Last night, he beat me up again.And it was much worse than all the other times.If I leave him, what will I do?How will I take care of my kids?What about money?I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.But I know he must be sorry.Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.Today was a very special day.It was the day of my funeral.Last night, he finally killed me.He beat me to death.If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers...today.

Life is wonderful.You have a great family, a hard working husband that frequently buys you gifts and flowers and loves you and you have two beautiful children.It appears to everyone that you are living the perfect life.You are a stay at home Mom and you don’t have to work, you even appear to be somewhat of a snob because you are a very quiet woman, no one ever gets more than a slight smile and a quick wave, you don’t say much or get involved with anyone or take part in any of the neighborhood events,it is so obvious to all the other mothers and neighbors that your husband spoils you rotten and treats you like a queen and you think you are better than all of them.

If they only knew the truth!If they really knew what your fairy tale life was truly like.All day, you stay in the house and don’t get involved with any of the other moms because you know the telephone could ring at any moment and you HAD BETTER be there to answer it and by the second ring.You fairy tale Prince Charming calls you numerous times during the day making sure you are there where you are supposed to be and no one is there with you.He plans your weekly chores list and tells you when you can go to the grocery store, what you will buy, how much you will spend and even how long you can be gone from the house.He know precisely how long it takes you to get to the school to pick up your children and drive straight home and get into the house.

You look inseparable on the weekends because you do everything together.You are both always working out in the yard together, washing the car together, working in the flower beds together and even playing ball with the children together.Everything is always Happy and smiling and having such a great time….One Big Happy Family.

When you do get to go shopping, he makes sure to always be there beside you and he picks out what you can have, what he wants you to wear and how much it will cost.

On the few occasions you get to go out to a restaurant, he orders for you and then makes jokes to the waiter or waitress that you need to lose a few pounds and he is helping you all the while he is watching and flirting with all the other women in the restaurant.

The ride all the way home is torture because he continuously tells you how fat and ugly you areand how he wishes you looked like Tiffany the head cheerleader that was in high school.He keeps asking why he married you and then throws it in your face, “Oh yeah, you got yourself pregnant and I had no choice”.He then tells you he can’t wait until you die so he can find himself a decent woman.

You finally arrive home, he orders the children to bed immediately, grabs you tightly by the arm and when you wince from the pain he is causing, he grabs you by the hair and drags you into the bedroom and begins his painful ordeal of forcing you to do whatever he wants.Sex in your life is not a beautiful experience of a husband and wife sharing your love for one another, but rather painful rape.

Afterwards, you get up to head to the bathroom for a shower and he grabs you by the hair and slaps you across the face and calls you a horrible name.When you start to cry he slaps you again this time hard enough to knock you down, but before you can get up he kicks you.

You are finally able to make it to the bathroom to get in the shower and the whole time you are in there you hope and pray with all your heart he is asleep when you get out.Your prayer is answered, he is sound asleep.You take a couple of Tylenol for the pain from your beating get into bed and finally are able to drift off to sleep too.

The next morning, he wakes up to tell you how sorry he is, that he Loves you with All His Heart and that he will never do it again.He still calls you numerous times during the day to check on your to make sure you are there and when he gets home that night,he has a big giant bouquet of beautiful flowers that all the neighbors see.

Everything is ok you think, he is happy and he is really sorry for being mean to you and maybe he really does mean it this time.After all, maybe you really did something to make him angry or set him off because he really is a good man, he works hard, takes good care of you and the children, you don’t have to do without anything.You have a big beautiful house with extra nice furnishings, You and your children have nice clothes.It must be just you that pushes the wrong buttons and sets him off when the bad days happen.Isn’t this just married life?After all, your Dad used to hit your mother.This is just the way it is.Right?

Wrong!Accepting it, Living with it will NEVER stop it because no matter how sorry he is the next morning, he CAN”T stop it.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND whatever you choose to call it…. Abuse, Domestic Violence, Mental and Physical Assault are all Illegal and All are wrong.It is NOT your fault, You are NOT causing it and You Do Not Have to Continue to live with it.Do you want your children to grow up into adults and either be abused or become abusers?

There is hope and help for you and your children.It is as near as your telephone.

Call the U.S A. National Family Violence Hotline1-800-799-SAFE and get help TODAY.