Okay, it's kind of funny, if that's the intent. And this would be fine on (say) page 53, after we've met everyone and are engaged.

But whoever told you sex was a good hook probably forgot to mention the addendum, "but anuses aren't." I tend to think the only place you're going to find pendulous balls on the first page is in the erotica section . . . and this isn't erotica either.

Well, it's attention-grabbing. I hope there's an explanation in the next few paragraphs of why Amy seems perfectly okay watching her parents' sex videos, though. I think most teenagers would rather not know their parents have ever had sex, let alone watch it.

The problem I have with the opening isn't its explicit references to sex, it's that I don't get what's going on in the main characters heads. I think it's supposed to be a gross but slightly amusing opening, but I don't really get the impression that the characters view it as gross and slightly amusing. We get the idea that it's gross with the "ewww"s but the characters appear to keep watching the video through multiple sex acts. Maybe it's like watching a train wreck where you hate what you are seeing, but you can't pull your eyes away. But if that were the case, we wouldn't have the super casual popcorn making at the same time.

In the end, we get a couple of people who apparently just like to sit around watching their parents have graphic sex like it is no big deal. And, well, that isn't a pair of people I'd rather read about. I think you need to find a more sympathetic reaction to the video from our protagonists, or, if the point is to show how jaded the characters are so that they grow through the book, then you need to find some other reason for us to like the characters enough to keep reading despite their current ickiness.

I think that if, at any point, while writing anything you consider using the phrase "pendulous balls" (and you are NOT Edgar Allen Poe) then you need to stop writing, get some fresh air, and consider your work very carefully.

Also, double check to make sure you aren't writing a children's picture book.

I hope there's an explanation in the next few paragraphs of why Amy seems perfectly okay watching her parents' sex videos, though. I think most teenagers would rather not know their parents have ever had sex, let alone watch it.

When I was a young teen I found some pictures of my parents having sex. I'm still traumatized. Seriously. The idea that a teenage girl would comfortable make popcorn while settling her male friends down to watch such a video makes me not only ill, but extremely doubtful. What's wrong with her?

I'd drop the book in a second unless told by the back cover blurb that it plans to deal with why Amy is a moral vacancy.

I got the impression that the two guys popped in the video of Wizard while Amy was unaware in the kitchen making popcorn and getting snacks. I'm envisioning a horrible scene when she realizes just what they're watching.

Or maybe they're a bunch of granola-munching, weed-smoking, free-loving hippie kids who were raised watching Sesame Street while their parents boffed on the sofa right next to them. I've known people like that. They're freaks, but they exist.

I'd read further, just to find out which scenario is correct. Whether I'd read more than that...

My eyes are bleeding!At first I thought the pendulous balls were made of brass, then I read on. Ak! I hope it's a joke. Maybe the balls are so big because it's a wide angle lens.Then I read it a second time, because the first time my eyes refused to focus. I wiped the blood out of them and got curious.Who is the narrator? Not Amy, not Mark, but somebody who is close enough to be blamed for Amy's problems.Take out the anus and maybe you'll have something.

I'm going to stand up for this one; I think it's well-written and sets us up a nihilistic, touchy, somehow world-wise narrator. He moved from pendulous balls to a telling conversation between the parents so quickly that I'm confident there will be more substance to come, and that the vulgarity will be more insightful than gratuitous.

Anyway, maybe Amy is already high enough to watch her parents' sex tape.

This one really gets a reaction doesn't it? You'll either be fascinated enough to read on or you'll drop the book like a hot potato. I have two reactions. Out of curiousity, I would read on for another page to find out what happens when Amy finds out these boys are watching her parent's sex tape. (I have inferred from the fact that she is popping popcorn that she is unaware of what has occurred.) I would be curious to see her reaction.

However, the visual imagery with the dad's anus really grossed me out so I have a feeling that if I was in a book store and I picked it up, I would put it down fast. I haven't invested in the characters that early enough to be willing to get past the anus shot.

It's certainly attention-grabbing. Including yeast so near the sex adds another level of ick, and anus puts it over the top. If that's what the author is shooting for, I'd say it was a pretty good job. I agree with the commenter about changing 'Amy's Dad' and 'Amy's Mom' to Mr. and Mrs. Something.

I found myself wondering if our protagonist was mentally unstable, and if he/she was imagining/hallucinating the part where Amy's parents talked about him/her. If this is the case, I would read on a bit further. The character won't get my sympathy without getting funny fast, but I'll stay and watch a car wreck.

I can't figure out the relationship of the narrator to Amy. Why Mark would be making out with Amy but Amy's dad says Amy's problems are the narrator's fault... I don't get it. Brother/sister? Step-siblings? Cousins? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Something else? I assume it becomes clear later, but for me, not knowing got in the way of understanding what was going on and interrupted the flow of the prose.

"... soft-bellied mom" didn't fit with the rest of the piece for me. The only real visual details we get are "pendulous balls" and "soft-bellied mom"... yet porn is extremely visual. The other items (anus, giving head) seem gratuitous because the action and details on the screen don't seem to be of that much importance (though there is a masculinity consideration attached to big, brass ones... not that I'd attach anything to them myself, mind you).

The "cried after she orgasmed" implied that she was crying over the sex, for reasons unknown. Then the next sentence says the narrator knows Amy's mom is upset about Amy, and that's why she's crying. Is this supposed to show that she gets emotional after orgasms? That her mind is elsewhere?

For me, too much happens with too little emotion, detail, or characterization. If the porn is truly important to the story, I want to know more about it--what do Amy's parents look like, are they enjoying it, do they talk to each other during, what do they say, does it look like they've done this loads of times before... and if it's not important enough to go into that kind of detail, then I'd like to see it glossed over without any detail. What's important is how the teenagers are reacting to this, what they think of it--are they learning from it, disgusted by it, what? Focusing on the details that bring out the deepest reactions in the narrator would characterize him better.

Finally: If the video distracted the narrator, maybe he shouldn't hear the initial question, only Mark's response.

(Oh, and Mark is going to eat popcorn AND make out with Amy? Sounds messy. But then I'm getting old, and I understand teenagers these days are good at multitasking.)

yeah,ls, I thought that whole yeast thing was grosser than the pendulous balls. But as far as porn is concerned, well, I've seen my share, and there's been no shortage of hairy backs, belly fat and sagging flesh. Usually on the men. Most of the time, it makes me wish the actors were doing it with the lights out.

Don't know the genre, but I'm guessing it's YA because we have teens in the opening.

Here are my (lengthy) comments. Sorry for the verbosity.

1. Never heard of brewers' yeast on popcorn. Butter, salt, even caramel or cheese, or nothing. These seem like more reasonable options.

2.I don't have a clear idea who is speaking, who is the POV character.

3. Didn't like the "Ewww"--seemed too babyish. Maybe "disgusting" or wtf or oh, gross, or something. Ewww sounds like 12 and under.

4. After you set up the situation (Amy's popping popcorn, it's midday, teens cutting class, getting high, watching videos--and the video switch), you re-focus on the actual video being shown. I have problems with how the video action is portrayed. If Amy's dad is adjusting the camera, he's either in front of it or behind it, but looking at the camera. Full frontal nudity-not the anus. (NO reason for it-other than crudity-I agree with those who object.)

5. Amy's mom gives Amy's dad head (also crude). probably okay because it conveys quickly and efficiently what is happening.

6. Mark's comment-perfect.

7. Mark goes to eat popcorn and make out with Amy. These seem like somewhat-incompatible activities. At least we get the idea of relationship.

8. Narrator keeps watching the video--okay. Now I really want to know who this is. Is this a girl or boy? Is he or she watching the video so as to not watch Mark and Amy?

9. Amy's mom has an orgasm. She does that giving head? Or the dad is superman and manages to enjoy head, then get erect again and satisfy his woman? Just sounds so preposterous.

10. Amy's mom cries afterwards--totally not believable. IF she had an orgasm with her husband, and they're intentionally filming their love-making-why would this happen? The line, mom is upset about Amy, is lame. No POV character could possibly know that. And even if it were true, I doubt that this situation would evolve the way described.

So by this point, I am completely not believing this story and not wanting to read on. Not because of the sex. But because of the poor mechanics, lack of credibility.

11. There is one possible saving clause. If POV is Amy's ex-boyfriend and dad said it was POV character's fault that Amy got pregnant, and mom is crying to think that her baby did the nasty with POV character, and her own love-making has brought this to the fore of her thinking...then this could make sense.

But if that's what's happening, then you need a serious re-write to let us know and keep us reading.

12. Based on what is written, I have no idea what the story is about, what the conflict is, what the premise of the story is. Worse, yet, I have no idea who is the POV character and why I would care about him or her. I wouldn't keep reading.

That's kinda my issue with it. What's the audience? I'm not interested in reading about dumbass teenagers skipping school to get stoned. I'm not saying I'm too mature for that, it's just not my thing, and I'm assuming a majority of adults aren't into that, either.

But if my fifteen-year-old ever came home with a book that opens like this, well, I'd go to the store that sold it to him and tear the clerk a new freaking anus. Little Timmy can learn about sex the old-fashioned way--on the internet.

I'm totally with Magz. I hate sex scenes in fiction, normally, in great part because they're so fake and manipulative. This is what sex actually looks like when you're having it at home. And yes, if you're in the position I think the man is in, the camera is gonna get a good view of your anus. Kudos for writing probably the most plausible sex scene I've ever read.

As for the novel, I'd read on. I'm picturing it as a cross between a much darker White Oleander and Christiane F. (Does anyone in North America actually know who Christiane F. is, or am I betraying my Old World catholic girls' school upbringing?)

This scene could be funny and poignant if positioned somewhere else in the story (maybe just a little farther back), and if you displayed how horrified Amy is to see her parents doing it, and her boyfriend seeing her parents doing it. I get no sense of that.

If Mom is discussing her kids and crying right after a tape-worthy sex bout, then it sure wasn't her who wanted sex at that moment. And that raises almost as many disturbing implications as the teenagers watching the tape and not gagging.

I'm assuming (kindly) that the purpose of the tape scene is to show our mysterious narrator is considered a problem by Amy's parents. But no way would this get through as YA, which is read by people much younger than your high school class-cutters (and regularly censored by their potentially self-taping parents).

If I'm right about the purpose, it could as easily, and more realistically, be achieved by having them find a file of Dad trying to program the web cam or following Mom around the house with his new digital camera with 2-minute-video-feature while she's trying to have a serious conversation about their screwed-up teenage daughter.

Sadly, most of the sex that makes it onto tape is not tape-worthy. And this pretty much fits into that category. This is real sex, bellies jiggling, balls hanging, ass-pimples and all. (I know ass-pimples weren't specifically mentioned, but I do think they'd add a certain flair to the scene.) I'm totally with hawkowl: this feels all too appallingly real. The only thing that's missing is the dad kneeling on the mom's hair. Hey, wait--maybe that's why she's crying.

And to the author, kudos for the fact that this bit has generated so much comment. Whether they're praising you or swearing off sex forever, at least they're talking about you. ;)

Hey, I'd read this. And yeah, I'd like to know more about the narrator's relationship to Amy (I assume they're school friends--s/he makes that pretty clear by saying it was a typical day of skipping school to get high and watch Wizard of Oz.)

I didn't think any of it was too graphic or unpleasant. I mean, the author doesn't go into loving detail describing the dad's anus.

Oh, and I liked the "Amy's dad this," "Amy's mom that," "Amy's dad," "Amy's mom." I think it was deliberate and it worked for me.

Love,a sub-literate future grad-school dropout

PS: Brewer's yeast on popcorn is totally normal. And I bet it would be delicious.

My comments don't post on EE's site, so I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the minions for so much helpful feedback, and to apologize for offending those with delicate sensibilities. I'm touched that so many of you who were thoroughly grossed out took the time to give thoughtful critiques. This has been a lot of fun for me. (I didn't clock the disgusting yeast/sex juxtaposition until y'all pointed it out.) I based this rewrite on your suggestions, and I changed Amy to Hannah in order to play up the hippie parents. Personally, I miss the pendulous balls, but here you go:

“Butter or nutritional yeast?” Hannah was popping popcorn.

“Butter,” hollered Mark.

I’d have requested yeast, but the video of Hannah’s parents distracted me. This was what married people did?

We’d planned a normal afternoon: cut school, get high, zone out. We were going to try that thing where you mute “The Wizard of Oz” and play “Dark Side of the Moon.” Mark said it was supposed to be really deep.

It was all Hannah’s dad’s fault; he taped his sex stuff over the movie.

When Mark first popped in the tape I wasn’t sure what we were watching. Sure, Hanna’s dad was naked, but her mom was chatting about how the Winn-Dixie had started carrying soysage and organic milk. When she took her clothes off, I understood what was going on.

“Awesome,” Mark said. He shoved off the couch and closed the door to the kitchen.

In the video, Hannah’s mom hung up her skirt. She folded her big beige underpants and placed them on the chair by the bed. Then she gave Hannah’s dad a blowjob.

Hannah’s parents did all the things I’d never done. They were saggy and soft-bellied, but it didn't seem like a big deal to them. Once, Hannah’s mom said she was worried that shopping at Winn-Dixie made her a bad person, like she was betraying the co-op, but otherwise they didn’t talk. Each time they switched positions, Hannah’s dad got up to adjust the camera angle. He stood right in front of the lens, at crotch level. His pubes were greying, like his beard.

“Ugh,” said Mark, “this is so not like porn.” He left the room. Maybe he was going to make out with Hannah or to eat some popcorn, I don’t know.

I kept watching. I guess I’m a pervert.

It lasted maybe ten more minutes. Hannah’s mom cried after, which weirded me out as much as the sex part. She was upset about Hannah, of course. Hannah’s dad said everything was my fault.

I thought it was a good rewrite...but I didn't have any problems with the original. It seemed like stark & ugly real life to me, and a REAL window into the narrator's mind. It's obvious to me that readers are supposed to ask, Why is this teenager watching his/her friends' parents fuck? And who is s/he?

I think those are good questions to ask. As long as the second one is answered promptly, I'm good with this.

I think some of you need to grow up, truthfully. Ooh, body parts that are actually real. I need to go scrub out my eyeballs. Get a grip.