Flashes of insight from the Everyman. Weekly observational posts. Part comedy, part philosophy, part temper tantrum, Lightning Bug's Butt is always good for a laugh and/or a place to send your hate mail.
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1/16/2008

Bullets ex machina

I wish the presidential primaries were decided with a dance-off, like in Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo. The only danger in that would be that we could wind up with a grease ball Puerto Rican in the White House.

That's just what we need. Some break-dancer throwing bloody chicken bones into a pentagram for guidance on national diplomacy. All hail to Vice-President Turbo.

Have you seen those obnoxious signs in shops that read, "If you break it, you bought it." I enjoy approaching the cashier and informing her that I just broke wind. How much do I owe ya? It's on-the-house, you say? Well, there's more where that came from.

Whore houses are legal in the state of Nevada. Do you think one of them advertises with the slogan, "More bang for your buck."

Speaking of slogans, I think this would be a great slogan for McDonald's: "Because your kids will drive you crazy if you say no to us."

True fact: due to its revolutionary motion-sensing technology, the Wii's original name was the "Handy." Just weeks before releasing the product, Ninendo's marketing department learned that "handy" was a slang for "tug-job." Crisis averted.

Our vanity is literally killing us. Want proof? There are more people willing to quit carbs than quit smoking.

A few posts back, I poked fun at those who use the ellipsis (...) too frequently. Too many "dot, dot, dots" in the blogosphere, I claimed. This bullet mark drew more hostility than any other post in my 3 years of blogging. I haven't seen this many people defending dots since my trip to India where I ridiculed the women's bindis...

You've probably seen how flamboyant gay guys hate each other. That is, some guys are so over-the-top gay that they offend other gays. I want to introduce a term for this phenomenon: gay + hatred = "GAYTRED"

The worst thing about being a porn star is, you don't have a job uniform to write off your taxes. However, you can write off upholstery cleaning.

The cliche "Less is more," is true, more or less.

I've always been intrigued with the conjugal visit. I admire the seductive powers of any man who can get laid while behind bars. When I was single, I could barely get a girl to sleep with me when I had free roam of the earth. What I wonder is, how does an inmate broker the deal over the phone: "Hey, baby. I'm so in-the-mood. I need you badly. Can you come over?" "Sure. Where are you?" "Uh, prison." You'd think that would be a deal-breaker. But some women go. And how do you kick off the seductive scene in prison. Pour some Toilet-Brewed Prison House Chardonnay '07, light a roll of toilet paper on fire and throw it in the corner for ambience, tip the guard a carton of smokes to disappear for 20 minutes. Serve a ration of Sherriff Joe's green baloney hors d' oeuvre. "Girl, I love you. But can you get naked and lie on your back? Lights-out is in 15 minutes."

Money may not buy happiness. But money buys freedom. And freedom is happiness.

The problem with mulatto people is that you can't tell whether you're supposed to hate them or not; and if so, precisely how much? Nowadays, they're mixing up the races like gangbusters. I look at a mulatto person. I see some black, some white, some Indian, Puerto Rican, a little Filipino, a dash of Eskimo... and then suddenly I realize, I don't know whether I'm supposed to shun this man or invite him to my Secret Society.

I was in the check-out line at Wal-Mart last week. This guy in front of me was wearing full camouflage, combat boots, military patches and pins, a Monster Truck baseball cap. He had a pony tail and a beard. And he was like, 4-feet, 9-inches tall. I thought to myself, there's a 100% chance this guy is armed. Anyway, this little redneck piqued my curiosity. As he left, I looked at his shopping bag. In it I found the video game "Call of Duty 4." So he wasn't a paramilitary redneck weirdo after all. He was just suiting up for the big game. Dude, they can't see you through the television. Just play it in the nude, like I do.

I think I need to move to Nevada and start up a business... you don't mind me using that slogan do you?

And... I had a good chuckle at the conjugal visit theories. I've always been curious about that. Maybe I should just go whack some poor fella, surrender myself, and see how that'll work out for me. Maybe I'll have more sex behind bars than I do out here...

...wait just one minute here! That may be something I absolutely DO NOT want!

I actually know of a guy who got married, when he knew he was going to jail, just so he could have those conjugal visits.NO it wasn't ME he married.I guess you have to be a con to get the jugal visits. Yep I am with you, give me freedom!Great post, LBB!!!!!!

Hmmm, I started to read this post, then I noticed a tiny pic in the corner. It's you. Dam.. you are so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear. Alrighty, let me get back to reading this long ass post of yours.

as of this year you can't write off any workers clothes here in BC which SUCKS with abc being a steel framer and all. have no idea why they are doing that and having been a secretary all the couriers they go through lots of crap. i think in comments sometimes i am bad with the .... but in posts no way, bad grammar on purpose yes but ... is too far. so i agree with you.and as if this wasn't long enough we are GLUED to the debates GLUED and at this point i think a dance off may be just what everyone needs.

I know a gay guy, and we met up with some friends and one of them brought their gay friend. The guy I know, knew the other guy from who knows where and HATED him. It was so awkward. I thought, you both are gay, how do you hate each other? I thought they all got along. What do I know?

And then, sadly the other gay guy was in a fatal car accident and the guy I know went to the services. I was very confused.

I think that if there were a dance off to decide who the president was then voter turn out would be at an all time high. I know more people who didn't vote in the last presidential election, but managed to vote for "Dancing with the Stars" every Monday night for 8 weeks. Please! You only have to vote ONCE for president. However, if there was a dance off then Mitt Romney would have a chance; did you see how the Mormons managed to get Marie Osmond through to the finals?!?!?

I agree with you wholeheartedly about the dance off. I used to sit in church as a child and think the front would be perfect for a rock concert. Marrying two things that don't belong together just seem so delicious some reason. Don't take my word for it. Just ask Hilary and Bill.

I've always been fascinated by those dot things that indian women wear. SO many questions: how long do they leave it on? What do they adhere it with? Why are they differen colors? Does it ever wash off in the shower? Do you take a shower? Does it frighten the monkeys?

And seriously--a bunch of geeky game designers just NOW figured out "handy" was a euphemism? Not likely. I think they were trying to get away with it. And on that same note, we have a oil change place called BJ's Lube and Wash.

I suppose you have a problem with the dash and the colon also, too, in addition, as well as the dot-dot-dot?? What about people like me who use too many question marks and exclamation marks??!!Yes, I am enjoying my Jack LaLanne juicer very much.I found out that I really like carrot juice. It's quite good, and very low in calories. The name Wii makes me think of peeing. It's not much better than Handy.

Ok shoot me! I just used an ellipsis hehehe, Neena Gupta wanted to feed your package to her monkey?? She has a monkey for a pet?

Of course of course, a Puerto Rican in the White House who dances and sings like " A little bit of MONICA in my life"...(oops! ellipsis again(I AM an Indian))

You naughty,you are spoiling the atmosphere of obnoxious shop? Or maybe you wanted to provide a more fitting atmosphere for the shop of obnoxiousties...

More bang for your buck? No no no, don't ever say that! you will piss the miss & receive only a hiss! Say " more bang for an EXTRA buck" okay? ( lesson in etiquette of whoring : No. 2741)

Crisis averted really.. whew! you cant give them handy at the age when all they need is candy...

Vanity? Think deeper my dear.. deeeeper...Quit carbs than quit smoking means quit carbs but not smoking (in other words). That is because smoking will expedite the process of thinning out started by quitting the crabs.

Gaytred... I can almost picture Flamboyant gay guys treading over one another after flicking their locks with a "huh"

In India you can write off any kind of taxes, Uniform or no uniform... we are that corrupt ( am I proud? Your guess entirely...)

REALLY? do they really have conjugal visits in prisons In America? WoW! I thought they automatically lost their conjugal rights with their freedom once in there! Boy I was wrong! Ps> I love the ambiance! :)

You hate by race? BAD Big Butt! I would put you on my knee and spank your butt for that!WACK!