Month: December 2013

AMERICA — Faggots in Washington (D.C.) who don’t vote for the Bible are destined for an Eternity in Hell — courtesy of our Lord and Savior, the compassionate Jesus Christ of the United States of A-fuckin-merica.

I say, if you don’t like the Bible, then forget how to read ’cause that’s all reading’s good for. If you don’t believe that, then go to Hell. And if you don’t like this country, then get out.

Because if humans were meant to read, then why weren’t we born with it? Why did we have to “learn” how to do it? Learning is a tool of the Devil, since whatever wasn’t put in the Good Book simply ain’t worth knowing, and that’s all there is to it. Amen.

Praise the Lord.

There ain’t a dignified man on this earth who don’t praise the motherfuckin’ Lord. This country used to be good. This country was once worth something. Now, all it is, is overrun with blacks, Mexicans and the Chinese. No fuckin’ wonder the NSA is spying on us. We aren’t even White anymore.

Now, how the fuck I’m supposed to get a job, Obama, when all our shit’s made in that Communist wasteland Vietnam? Barack Hussein Obama must love them overseas coloreds because that’s where his Daddy’s from, so he gives them all the jobs. Now I don’t want to sound racist or anything, but even with all the chinks building up our railroads, and all the Mexicans digging out my ditches, this country was alright before the blacks.

How in the fuck is it I gotta sit in line at the drive-through and when I get up to that window, a big nigger’s lookin’ out at me, reaching for my debit card? Don’t they already steal enough? We gotta put them in charge of our beef and our tortillas now, too? I mean, if I go to Popeye’s Chicken, who’s gonna be there? You know who, and that’s why I’m not racist.

Computer networking allows billions of long-dead authors and living professionals to collaborate in the world’s most perfect epic poem: The Panid

INTERNET — Today the Arch-Primate of the Camelot Online University announced the results of an intensive new study. Hundreds of thousands of competent and accredited colleagues in thousands of diverse fields participated in the study, combing through the entire corpus of written human dialogue at least three times over, looking for accidental descriptions of future events, gems of beauty, or other pieces of interest they felt like upvoting in the purpose-built PanidBook social media web site, a decentralized not-for-profit digital communal space and an often criticized “first-ocracy” investing unwarranted power in the hands of people who were the first in their field to join the website.

The results of the project have been described as astounding, beautiful, and profoundly disturbing. Critics of the study have rightly pointed out that the parameters of the social media itself were determinate to a large extent in the resulting poem and that by no means does this study “prove” that such a thing as foreknowledge exists, a belief which follows the demented exaggerations of the paranoid mainstream news media.

However, according to the Arch-Primate’s reading of the study’s poem and the associated esoteric texts, if knowledge were to be something which in fact existed, then it would only be provable as such through the prediction of future events. But this was not the aim of the project, and critics say it was a narrative selected by forces of a Reddit-style upvoting market driven by the tendencies of the study’s participants and not at all the “truth.” They also suggest that the Arch-Primate has insisted on a method for stitching a story together which matches his vision and the closely aligned vision of the many thousands of subforum moderators.

As is well documented, the study’s original aim was in fact to perform, in The Arch-Primate’s words, a “survey of narrative epistemology establishing a canon of pure truth within the system of epic poetry.” The seven volume Panid is set to hit the shelves of Barnes and Noble next December, as the Panid is an ongoing project which is self-refining and not yet ready, as the Arch-Primate explained, “It would not be responsible to release it yet for public consumption. Already our colleagues in fractal geography have been able to chart a pattern approximated in the Panid’s construction forming a nearly perfect correlation with known laws of physics, and with a few minor changes we may be able to complete the project and pass it into the hands of theoretical physicists. Using computer modeling, they will be able to write the narrative of the future and perhaps even prehistory, today. It may be the stuff legends are made of.”

I was talking to this guy tonight who made a case for the NSA. It was no case at all, though – not because he was only 20 years old, an “international relations major” – but because his point was “how does that affect you?”

That’s not a point. That’s a hypothetical question to which my response was, “It doesn’t affect, her, her, him, this guy, or Jeremy [a loser sitting nearby] — but it affects people like me, who want to write without someone looking over his shoulder. And I’m not talking about newsroom-looking-over-the-shoulder but knowing what I read and write is vetted by a bureaucrat in Utah or Quantico who has no concept of what we do here; and shouldn’t.

If you think there is a “good side” to the NSA, then you just aren’t paying attention. You don’t open your eyes. You don’t fucking think. But the NSA is such a thing that if you do think, then you are the enemy. You’re being watched. This country don’t need thinkers, baby. We’re a nation of patriots. A nation of God.

We’re a nation of herd.

The concept of revolution is such that, if we talk about it, then we are complicit in our own demise. “Look how that worked out for the Black Panthers.” The FBI killed Fred Hampton in his sleep, unprovoked. And then they paraded the media through his apartment to show all the bullet holes like, “Check out the firefight. These niggers don’t give up.” Yeah, but all those bullet holes – every single fucking one of them – went one way: into Fred Hampton’s fuckin bedroom, where he and his pregnant wife slept.

The FBI put an informant in with Hampton and the Panthers, because we didn’t yet have something quite so spectacular as the NSA listening in on our cellphone microphones at will and watching us through our own private webcams. Revolution is non-violent. It’s the resistance that’s violent.

Pay attention: The Fourth Amendment ain’t your friend. It is there to trick you into believing that in a perfect world, you aren’t being watched. The Constitution, the agreement into which all Americans are born, was a pro-slavery, pro-capitalist document designed to indoctrinate school children into a belief structure, formulated by James Madison, author of the Federalist Papers which validates subservience to the ownership of the means of production… which were then codified by the economic elites of the late 1700s behind closed doors – where the Constitutional Convention took place.

INTERNET — Pope Francis went over the heads of the Cardinals by issuing an Encyclical which will assemble a worldwide Ecumenical council including the highest leaders from every faith.

In his statement, Pope Francis said, “God has chosen Buenos Aires as the grounds for the merging of all faiths. The biblical convention welcomes all in the writing of our global seminal holy text. Will it be a concise set of poetic aphorisms, lengthy genealogy, didactic farming advice, or an epic war poem? No! It will be a major media event Tweeted and E-Mailed to every person on earth as five different Reality shows featuring the hottest monks and nuns in humiliating sexual situations compete to invent the world’s next religion. Everyone will be converted if we just blow the Vatican’s treasury on Persona Management propaganda from our friends at HBGary, and the world will have ten million years of peace.”

Atheist speaker Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador condemned this speech, slamming his fists on the podium, “Ain’t that Pope ever read the bible? What he’s intendin on doin’ is building him a big ol’ Tower of Babel, I tell you what. That’s a religion designed to come a tumblin’ down, but he’s mad with power. Them Marxists slipped one through to United States president and now they done it in Rome, by gum.”

The inverted pyramid of the Bitcoin Occult Association represents upside down capitalism acting as the horizon for the all-seeing-eye.

INTERNET — Many Bitcoin investors panicked as all Bitcoin trading came to a mysterious stop on Sunday.

Cryptanalyst Dr. Angstrom Troubador of the Secret FISA Cuthbert Institute of Technology at Palantir stepped forward to take responsibility, telling the press, “A new generation of bitcoin millionaires and billionaires have infested the streets of America with hybrid cars which are designed to last for exactly 8 years. Bitcoin’s annihilation and incorporation into the general world economy acts as a turbo-boost for the empire. Can you feel it happening? The Shift is here. Capitalism 2.0, man. Artificial moneymaking crowdbanking fads which work to the benefit of the individual and the whole. It’s trickle-up fad economics, but it just swings. People will make billions, even trillions, and then the banks will kill it at a pre-ordained time. This will happen again and again, and it is a part of their plan to rebuild the middle class and the — uh — developing class.”

After many reporters chanted “Occupy Wall Street” and were thrown out of the room, Doctor Troubador continued, “The Occult knowledge of Bitcoin has been hidden, but I quote the seminal message of its creator: ‘Live by the coin. Die by the coin. For know one day a coin will always rise again, better than all others, and at this point a peaceful sanity will descend over the planet.'”

Trading continues at a much depressed state in markets continuing to sell Litecoins and PPCoins. but dogecoins are now traded at an astounding rate and worth, quadrupling in value over night.

The owner of MtGox, Dr. Satoshi Nakomoto, pounded his corporate fist at his podium, “We aren’t closing down, but we’re downsizing. If they bust Litecoin, we’re done. The Coin Fad is almost over, man. I’m calling it now. It was exactly like Tulips. Funny money. No one should have taken it, it was a bogus hacker prank from the get-go. Mt. Gox will continue to offer an alternative to Paypal, who if you’ll remember once blockaded our dear friends at Anonymous — the brave ones who stand for freedom and mere destruction of all governments everywhere. Support Mt. Gox, and you support a proud member of Anonymous.” Dr. Nakomoto winked at the camera.

HOLLYWOOD — Joey’s World Tour is BYAAAAAACK! — To be featured in a Disney Channel Mockumentary entitled Joey Outside the Car. However, the famous Youtube fast food reviewer has been met with stark criticism as his star has risen to new heights, triggering a savage cascade of imitators who are now suffering acute medical conditions stemming from multiple daily fast food reviews.

Joey’s strongest allies, including pundits with the Internet Chronicle, contend that Joey’s genius can not be duplicated.

“There’s just nobody like him,” said columnist Frank Mason. “Nobody can describe a sub-par breakfast burrito quite like Joey can. He’s a genius.”

Angered citizens outraged at the rash of casualties lobbied congress for laws to ban overly sugary drinks. In response to the vocal minority, Rhode Island Del. Tom Sutherland challenged Joey’s allegiance to this great nation (America), and even wrote a bill making sugary drinks completely illegal.

“We’re banning all soft drinks – delicious, swinging, or otherwise – immediately as a matter of public safety and to combat the Socialist homosexual agenda,” Sutherland said. “Joey is a mutant with unnatural eating powers who has been able to heavily influence millions of eaters. Anyway, Joey’s been cheating on his diet. Why’s he always talking about a diet when he’s in a car scarfing down fast food novelty items?”

The corporatist agenda of Joey’s World Tour International is as beneficial to public health as it is overt, according to leading fast food industry experts, most of whom have no official monetary connections to the “food” reviewer, although many – among them, Ted Nugent, Jacob Applebaum and Colonel Sanders – outwardly defend Joey’s patriotism, praising his work.

Dietary-supplement expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador dismissed Sutherland’s claims in the strongest of terms, saying, “There is no unpatriotic genius. Joey is a force of nature, a phenomenon. Joey is a Real American, a God damn genius and a patriot,” Troubador said. “I’ve never witnessed anything like it. But I also never questioned Joey’s Patriotism. Now Shoenice, he wants to love everybody and feed the starving children in every corner of the planet. That’s Marxism. The continued exponential growth of Joey’s World Tour is nothing to be concerned about, although it is true that we see hearts are stopping left and right. But who would blame Joey? Who could? Come on, people. Get your fucking stories straight.”

Mason added, “I give that a solid 10/10 advice from Dr. Troubadaeur. Joey’s World Tour has it all, humor, satire, self-deprecation; it just swings, gang. Go out and watch him on Youtube right now.”

The Hyper Squirrel is a futuristic endangered species engineered by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.

INTERNET — Thursday, BioScientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador invented a new kind of squirrel. The Hyper Squirrel is barely able to hang on because it’s so tiny it can’t compete with the predominant species, the American squirrel. Already, Hyper Squirrel activist groups have rallied to support the Hyper Squirrel’s equal rights and diversity. Larger squirrels will be humanely caged and removed from the Hyper Squirrel’s natural environment at the Troubador Polytechnical Institute’s campus.

Dr. Troubador told reporters, “We plan to expand the invention of new endangered species to an industrial scale and open up franchises in every major biosphere on the planet. This will both speed up evolution and provide the planet with enhanced biodiversity, possibly curbing the threat of global warming. These fast-evolving trash squids I’ve been working on will thrive in that hellish whirlpool of plastic human detritus in the Pacific and absorb carbon dioxide.”

Anonymous Scientists at DARPA criticized Dr. Troubador, saying, “We’ve all known about the climate change hoax for a long time, but if Troubador wanted to speed up evolution I suggest he just introduce invasive species to new parts of the world. We’ve been doing this for years. Whatever animal consumes the most is of course the most evolved, the antithesis of something like that puny Hyper Squirrel. What he’s doing is slowing down evolution. I’ve been working on this terrible plague to unleash which, when it runs its course, will basically make us immune to any foreseeable biological alien attack. It’s not a doomsday project, just a cosmic immunization. One day we may even kill and eat the aliens, if we continue steadfast with such projects. We’ve been working with the airline companies for decades on this. Another thirty years or so and we’ll be in the clear.”