Monday, December 17, 2012

THE TOP 10 REASONS YOU TOOK OUT YOUR SCRAPER BOX IN 2012.

Think Outside The Scraper Box!

10. Because The Worm
Is Living With Shayna In The Trailer. Why call him The Worm and not The
Wriggler or The Snake or The DigDug Creature or The Silverfish? Because he’s
The Worm! And he’s living with Shayna in the trailer! So you fired up the
Scraper Box (again) dammit!

9. Because Your Daddy
Took Out His Scraper Box And Your Daddy’s Daddy Took Out His Scraper Box. There’s
nothing so powerful as the notion of three generations taking out their Scraper
Boxes, driving them around properly in the usual manner, returning them to a sensible
storage area, and disembarking to the traditional welcome that one would
receive, including a reasonable portion of suckling pig.

8. To Join The
1,000,000 Scraper Box March. What a spectacle! All them Scraper Boxes
amidst the circular wavings of Patriotic Towels, amidst the droppings of
Patriotic Confetti, amidst the Keynote Address by the ghost of Marlon Brando,
and his Keynote Refrain: “The Hauling, The Hauling!”

7. Woke Up In The
Middle Of The Night And Didn’t Know Where You Were. Nothing comforts a
touch o’ the Nocturnal Paranoia more than a little trip on the Scraper Box,
unless, that is, the Nocturnal Paranoia does not abate, and you were then a
Paranoiac riding around on your Scraper Box at night.

6. To Show Someone
Else A Good Time. Uh huh, okay, I see how you—wink! wink!— ‘took out the ol’
scraper box last night’, you ol’ devil you, you ol’ Casanova you, you ol’ PLAYA!

5. One Too Many Jokes
That Began With A Boot Up Someone’s Butt. So, a patient appears in the
Emergency Room, complaining of an “Inability to Void.” Upon further
examination, the doctor discovers a boot lodged in the patient’s butt, and
says, (Irish accent optional), Would that Inability to Void ‘ave anything to do
with the boot stuck up your arse? Oh that, says the patient, Nah, that’s but a
coincidence, been there for years, the boot. No, I really cannot void, I can’t!

4. The, Everything
Happens For A Reason, Reason. Don’t know why you took out your Scraper Box?
Many Americans cannot fathom the Action-Consequence Continuum, either, so let’s
just say what they say—that Divinity wanted you to take out your Scraper Box, and
anything that happens (e.g., happy or destructive) must be due to Divinity.

3. To Think Outside
The Scraper Box. One always sits outside the Scraper Box, of course, but the
real trick is to do some Deep Thinking while astraddle your Machinery.

2. The Economy Is Rebounding.
The rebound will lead to Many Possible Americas, including DigDug Creatures,
Breakfast Potatoes, and Obese Conservatism, thus choose the off-ramp for your
Scraper Box judiciously.

1. Willard “Mitt”
Romney Was Defeated. Good ol’ Mitt wouldn’t own a Scraper Box, unless
Cadillac made one, and then I spoze he’d strap the dog to it, or drive it into
an elevator, or buy 50 of them: two for each house.

APPEARANCES WITH HETERODYNE IMPROVISATIONAL MUSIC PROJECT

I have appeared several times (as “Words”) with the Heterodyne improvisational music project, which is led by Maria Shesiuk and Ted Zook. Other performers have included Sarah Hughes, Leah Gage, Doug Kallmeyer, Bob Boilen, Sam Lohman, Amanda Huron, and Patrick Whitehead. Here are three free sample recordings, each about 30 minutes long, available on Soundcloud: