Headlies: NHL Lockout Ends, The Goon Comes Out Of Retirement

Flin Flon, Manitoba – Following an end to the 3-month long lockout of the National Hockey League, former WWE superstar The Goon has announced that he is coming out of retirement. Banned from the NHL “and all the leagues between from one coast to another,” The Goon has vowed to bring his talents back to the WWE.

“I’ve been waiting for my moment to return to the squared circle,” said The Goon. “You know, I had a huge influence in the WWE. I was extreme before ECW. I was hardcore before Mick Foley. I mean, just look at Dean Ambrose’s hair. You think he just came up with the greasy hockey haircut? That’s pure Goon! And where do you think Steve Austin got “Stone Cold”? It came from me! We went for a public skate together back in ’94 and Steve forgot to bring his tuque and scarf. The chilly ice rink air cut right through him and left him stone cold, eh?”

“We’re really excited to hear about The Goon’s return,” said Stephanie McMahon. “Things have grown a little stale in his absence. Oh sure, there was that whole ‘Monday Night War’ thing, but where was the fun? Where was the heart? Kids loved seeing wrestling plumbers and garbage men. After seeing the reaction that the Brooklyn Brawler received when he appeared at the TLC pay-per-view, it was only natural that we bring The Goon back.” When asked what was planned for the wrestling hockey player, McMahon smiled coyly and said, “I heard Zack Ryder was looking for something to do. I hope he likes curling.”

The 90’s Superstar deemed “too violent for the NHL” has been vigorously training since the contract negotiations between NHL players and owners broke down this past summer. “I’ve been doing power skating, stick handling, slap shots, wrist shots, and backwards skating,” said The Goon. Though it’s not particularly clear how any of that will actually help in the ring, he remained unfazed. With his skates fused to his feet and the blades severely rusted, The Goon vows to take on all comers. “I actually haven’t taken off my skates in years, just waiting for the moment when I hop the boards and back into the WWE! Randy Orton? Big Show? Repo Man? You better watch your back because I’m about to check you from behind!”

The Goon quickly looked at his watch and exclaimed, “Oh, jeez! My break is up. I better get back to Tim Horton’s before Mr. Mahovolich kills me. He hates tardiness.”