Thursday, May 16, 2013

Wtf are those goblins doing?

So you've just rolled on your random dungeon chart and the result comes up: 2d6 goblins. 2d6 goblins. Again? I hope the party doesn't get bored of goblins. . .

Wrong attitude, Mr. DM! Humanoids are awesome because they can do anything that the party can do. They're people! Little green, incompetent people that you can kill and loot and not feel bad about because they aren't really people! You are so lucky to roll 2d6 goblins! Here's why:
Roll a d100. The asterisk means that there are more details below.

1-21Actually being sort of competent.*
22-26Abusin' something.*
27-31Foragin'*
22-36Cookin'.*
37-41Eatin'.*
41-46Sleepin'.*
47-48 Trying to teach a rat tricks.*
49-50Rat-on-a-stick fight.*
51-52Playing kiss-the-rat.*
53-54Dicing over recent loot. Triple treasure on 'em.
55-56Fuckin'.*
57-58Combat training.*
59-60Doing human impressions.*
61-62Writin' some graffiti.
63-64Bathroom break.*
65-66Trying to learn insults in Common from another goblin.
67-68Breakin' shit.*
69-70Playing hide-and-seek.*
71-72Fighting over a rat in a box.
73-74Fighting over gold coins in a box.
75-76Fighting over a magic item in a box.*
77-78Fighting over a box.
79-80Running away!*
81-82In combat!*
83-84Losing a fight!*
85-86Funeral.*
87-88Storytime/brag fest.
89-90Gettin' drunk.*
91-92Setting up camp.
93-94Interrogating a prisoner.
95-96Trying to open a trapped chest.*
97-98Arguing about how to get past a trap elsewhere in the dungeon.*
99-100Lootin'.*

31 Foragin'
[d4] 1-mushroom pickin', 2-cave fishin', 3-bug huntin', 4-just walking around chewing on stuff and complaining how hungry they are. If they aren't in an appropriate area, they're still carrying the right equipment as well as a bag with 1d6 ration-equivalents.

48 Trying to teach a rat tricks
It's not going so well. But the rat is the prized possession of one of the goblins in the room. He's very protective.

50 Rat-on-a-stick fight
Tie a rat on the end of a stick. Use your rat-on-a-stick to fight another rat-on-a-stick. Or just to mess with your friends. Usually devolves into goblins beating each other with ratses-on-stickses. If engaged in combat, the rat on a stick has a 50% chance to give you rabies.

52 Playing kiss-the-rat
It's like spin the bottle, but with a rat instead of a bottle. Also, you kiss the rat instead of each other and all of your friends make fun of you because they're fuckhead goblins. Why do you hang out with these guys?

56 Fuckin'
Even before the PCs walk up to the door, they can see that there are goblin clothes in the hallway. If they listen at the door, 100% chance to hear goblin sex noises. Goblins are surprised 100% of the time (as long as the party busts in soon--goblin sex is known for its brevity). Goblins probably have no armor on, no pants, or pants around ankles. I could put a little roll here to see if they goblins are fucking a goat or each other or whatever, but I'm worried my mom might find this blog someday, and be worried that the longest paragraph is about goblin sex.

58 Combat training
[d4] 1: archery practice against a barrel, 2: melee practice against a barrel, 3:just beatin' the shit out of that barrel, 4:goblin duel atop a barrel. The barrel has an angry face drawn on it.

60 Doing human impressions
Where did they get the hat? Or the dress, for that matter? Maybe they belong to the prisoners on level 3. Either way, you are witness to an awful goblin pantomime of human behavior. Everything from "Oh no! Goblins! But I don't know how to fight!" to "Not the baby! Nooooooo!" to "Don't worry, our cities and laws will protect us!" It's goblin stand-up.

64 Bathroom break
[d4] 1-2: goblins pissing everywhere, 3: goblins shitting everywhere, 4: like that scene in Pulp Fiction where you see some weapons lying up against a wall, then you hear someone using the toilet around the corner (as the DM, you are required to make farty goblin noises), and then a goblin walks around the corner buckling up his pants. If the PCs don't react fast he'll freak out, run around the corner, and jump down the hole he just took a shit in.

68 Breakin' shit
Burning tapestries, throwing antique chairs down the stairs, playing catch with an expensive vase, eating ancient spellbooks, etc. If the PCs don't act fast, some valuable loot will be destroyed. And the goblin that ate the spellbook will start turning into a magma octopus.

70 Playing hide-and-seek
Yes, there are now goblins hiding all over the dungeon. Like, inside chests and shit.

76 Fighting over a magic item in a box
[d4] 1: cursed, 2-3:stupid (like a bag of endless manure), 4:surprisingly useful/powerful (where did they get it?)

80 Running away!
Look at 82 and 84 for inspiration, but consider the following: the party approaches a door that immediately bursts open. A bunch of panicked goblins run screeching past the party, fleeing for their lives. If the party runs, too, the goblins will probably try to trip them. Unless they're cornered, then they might help the PCs fight the thing. What are they running from? Pick the scariest thing on your random monster table.

82 In combat!
Pick whichever one is most appropriate: stompin' scorpions, grappling a elf dude and pulling his long hair, throwin' shit at a ghost and shrieking, throwin' shit at a (high hp) zombie with a bucket over its head.

84 Losing a fight!
Pick whichever one is most appropriate: getting wrapped up by giant spiders, swallowed by giant snakes, fighting the other evil humanoid group in the dungeon, being set on fire by demons, eaten by goblin zombies, fighting a single tremendously drunk dwarven berserker (only other dwarves can understand his drunk-Sean-Connery slurs).

86 Funeral
Prayers, fighting over the deceased's belonging, crying. 50% chance of cannibalism at the end.