2/12/2015

Pennsylvania Town Erects the Most Redundant Sign in the Nation

A week ago, Conoy Township, located in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania - you know, the place where everyone goes to gawk at the Amish like its a freak show and then eat their yummy baked goods - started erecting signs on every road leading into town:

That says, "Welcome to Conoy Twp. This is not a gun free zone." First of all, if you don't put a fuckin' hyphen between "gun" and "free," as in "gun-free," then your sign could be interpreted to be saying the exact opposite of what you're intending, as in "not a free zone for guns." Also, it's America, motherfuckers. No town is free of guns. If your town doesn't have guns, put up a goddamn sign to announce that. Otherwise, we all understand that you have guns.

That fine gentleman holding onto the sign like it's a giraffe's dick is Conoy Township Supervisor Stephen Mohr, who came up with the brilliant idea. He took it to the board of supervisors who, probably thinking, "Christ, just fuckin' do what Steve wants or we'll never hear the end of it," voted unanimously to erect them. Said Mohr, "You have to realize that to most people in this township, God, guns, family and friends are the four most important things." Imagine that thought process: In between going to church, shooting shit, and masturbating to stump porn, a light bulb went off in Mohr's head: "Obama is gonna take our guns. We need our guns because of all the meth around here. Let's let the bad guys know shit'll get real if they fuck with Conoy."

Local attorney (and the rude tipster on this story) Mitchell Sommers wrote in the local paper, "[I]t flirts with vigilantism. It’s a public declaration of defiance, made with township money, without any sense of whether the residents of the township even wanted this." As Sommers points out, they do have cops in Conoy. Those cops do, in fact, have guns.

Other signs had peace symbols or the word "not" painted on them, although the Borat-like joke there seems odd. Steve Mohr knows what's up. He knows who is responsible: "That tells me their grandparents were at Woodstock...They are probably from the left wing, liberal-thinking and against guns." Indeed. Never fear the hippies, though. Fine Conroyvians have already cleaned the paint from the signs.By the way, Conoy is taking vandalemons and making vandalemonade. Yeah, the town is looking into copyrighting the message and selling merch to individuals and other cities for a tidy profit for the town.

Also, Mohr is delighted that the British newspaper the Daily Mailpicked up the story. In a fundamental misunderstanding of other countries, Mohr opined, "Those people are envious of us. They are not allowed to have firearms." Yes, certainly, England wants thousands more gun murders. They are so jealous.