Wednesday, May 21, 2008

This just seems like the most frustrating thing. Why do women's sexual organs start to attack their host? I have been having this pain on my right side for about two weeks and it has finally become unbearable. I went to the see the nurse practitioner this morning. My regular doctor is on maternity leave. The nurse practitioner is named Paulette and was a total glamazon, I loved her, styling from head to toe. You could take bad news from a girl like her, you'd be so distracted by her cute capris and boots to care. I didn't get any bad news really, but I did have to go in for an ultrasound.

So I went back to the hospital for an ultrasound later this afternoon. This all turned out sucky for me. First thing, I had to have a full bladder. My lady friends know how bad this, they push and glide the wand over your full bladder and it takes every ounce of strength not to pee everywhere. Second thing, my bladder wasn't full enough, so the tech had to use the other wand, the internal wand yuk! The technician was so upset and exasperated by this, frankly so was I. How do you know how full your bladder is? If you have too pee, then it should seem good enough, right? It never is, it's never simple. Third thing, the technician was rude. She was kind of annoyed about my abdominal plasty scar. Saying that the reason I was having this pain was because of scar tissue that could be forming around the scar. Yeah, that could happen, but I know that is not what is happening! I had my surgery months ago and have been healed for months. This pain just started two weeks ago. It was as if she was judging me because of getting plastic surgery. I wanted to yell at her, "Look you aren't a doctor, you have no idea when I had my surgery, and you have no idea what I am feeling! So keep your uneducated diagnosis to yourself." I didn't of course because I am a wimp, but I did say, "I would prefer to hear what the doctor has to say, thanks." People need to perform their work correctly and speak within the scope of their license. An ultrasound technician license does not make you a junior radiologist! It just doesn't!

So yeah that was my crap day. I think my ovary is attacking me and I got attitude from the ultasound technician. Uh! I won't know what is up with me until tomorrow. But I don't think it is anything serious. Probably just a cyst, I have had them before. I don't know why women have to deal with this stuff all the time. Cramps, blood, moods, cysts, babies, water weight enough all ready! Just be chill lady bits, please!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Me @ 17-------------------------------------------->I watched a great movie the other night. "Into the Wild," it is a book, and I can't wait to read it. I usually read the books first and then have lots to complain about when I see the movie. It reminded me of a person I used to be ten years ago. Before babies, jobs, school, divorce, pain and love. I was an immensely confident person, cocky at times, but with that came fearlessness. I was so not shy. I would laugh loud and sing out whatever song was stuck in my head. I would wear ballet costumes to the grocery store and see how many flowers I could fit in my hair. I would hardly wear make-up and had no concerns if I looked gorgeous with or without it. I had no fear of dirt or natural water and didn't mind if I got a stain on my shirt. I made or altered all my clothes, and in my junior year rarely wore the same thing twice. I was a bohemia girl, a classy type of hippy. I loved people truly and deeply without the fear of getting a big fat fuck you when I needed some love or help. I danced, I sang, I acted, I screamed, I called people to hang out, I looked for ways to push myself and push I did. Maybe too far, to the point I guess where I craved a closed mouth.

I was big in spirit and then something happened. I became domesticated. I have been trained so to speak, to not speak. I have given in to what is liked and not liked. I have lived for awhile, to some extent, to please and not to be pleased. I feel as if I have to watch my words, watch myself and not be that big spirit that is hiding. I love my life. I know right now it doesn't sound pleasant, but it really is! I have loved being there for my hubby and kids and don't plan on changing that whatsoever. I just feel I have given in a lot to my husband and kids like a lot of women do. I am not very fussy and giving is in my nature. I would much rather make people happy then get my way.

But being this way I have recently noticed it has caused a great deal of self doubt and insecurity that I never had before. I question myself all the time and feel like a dork for being expressive. I really used to fight against this as a kid, but forgot how. Just as an example, the other night we played a show and I went crazy. I dance, sang, shouted, acted, pretended, became the girl I once was....but afterward I felt so LAME! I felt that I was far too over the top, because when I see bands I just see boys stand and play. They are rarely shaking it at all, and never show their underwear, yeah, I kinda showed my underwear. Our last drummer kinda pick on my about talking too much to the audience and that I needed to take things more seriously. So that seed of insecurity was planted. When I let loose I feel like I will disappoint people. Friday I got so much positive feedback, but still on the way home I was beating myself up. Ugh. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling censored all the time. But sometimes, I think it is too far to turn back and find that girl that wore tutus to Wal-Mart and couldn't have cared less.

This is my personal struggle that I am trying hard to overcome. If anyone out there feels the same thing and is having the same inner fight I would love to hear what you are doing to conquer it. I am entering a time of spiritual growth and plan to not compromise that very much. She has had too much pruning as it is.

Monday, May 12, 2008

We had a great day yesterday. Camden made us all breakfast and bought flowers for me. Then once we all got up and around we went to the park to play. Elodie got to swing in the big kid swing and play on the playground. After a nap we had CAKE, yellow cake with chocolate icing. Elodie ate the whole piece and we were so scared she was going to get sick like Joaquin did with the sugar cookie. Monro made a lovely card and painting for my Mother's Day present. Joaquin told me "I luh loo," and Elodie turned one for me! It was such a beautiful day and here are the pictures

Friday, May 2, 2008

Here is our little miss getting ready for her first therapy session with Emily the physical therapist from DDI Advantage. Elodie has hypotonia, which means that she has low muscle tone in her trunk and legs. Some other kids with this have it very severe throughout their whole body. She is just floppy and her legs frog out to the side when she is on her tummy or when she is on her back.

She is going to get therapy to strengthen her lower body. I am really excited to get this going. Emily was very nice. She seems like she has endless patience. It will be fun working with her. Elodie took to her quite well which is good. Elodie is pretty mellow when she meets new people, but she doesn't like it when you have to mess with her. Elodie doesn't like to get her clothes changed, lotion on, or shifted in different positions. I think that is from being in the NICU. The nurses were constantly fussing with her when she was in there. I can totally understand.

We have set very realistic goals to work on in the next few months. First, we are going to work on her sitting without bracing herself with her hands for at least twenty minutes. Next we are going to get her to stand assisted by holding on to the couch or holding on to our hands for at least two or three minutes. Emily gave us some exercises to help strengthen her. Elodie will be have sessions twice a month for now, but it may increase or decrease as she goes along.

Also DDI gave us a lot of information on classes and groups they provide for parents. I am really excited about this because no one I hang out with has kids. No one! I feel at times I am in the mommy bubble. No one really gets my life and what it is like to have to take care of little people all day and all night. I love it and it is the greatest job, but yeah- sometimes it is a bitch, like all jobs. This job is forever and you don't get any breaks. I don't even get to go to the bathroom by myself! Now that Joaquin is training he is all about watching people pee. Ugh. Anyway. I hope to meet new people. It will be nice to know parents that get what it is like to have young ones, especially ones that need more assistance. Woo-Hoo! I am excited and will be posting a lot on Elodie's progress. She has already been doing so well just from me working with her. Now that she will be getting professional help, she will be walking before we know it! Wish her LUCK!

About Me

I am the SAHM to three children with huge names, but they will grow into them. I have a strong sense of justice and believe in good manners. I am interested in learning so much. Also, I am about yarn lots and lots of yarn!