Thursday, September 20, 2012

UTEP

We have officially reached THREAT LEVEL PURPLE MIDNIGHT:

There's not much else to say. Shockingly, firing our offensive line coach after 2 weeks did not fix the offensive line. Double shockingly, benching our quarterback at halftime did not immediately cause the offense to revert back to elite mode. We just need to come to terms with the terrifying conclusion that this team is not very good. BUT THAT'S OK! They're young, and there is some talent there. It's just not ready for primetime yet. Between DOB and Stave, one of them should be able to develop into a decent QB by the end of the season or the beginning of next season. Ball's looked unimpressive so far, but White and Gordon are full of promise and potential. I guess what I'm trying to say is re-calibrate your expectations, have fun on gameday, and enjoy the ride. As bad as this team might be, the days are dark once the offseason rolls around.

PS - I tried warning people that if you see me with a marker on gameday, you'd be wise to run the other way. Consider yourselves MOTION DUBBED:

You know the weird part is that this all seemed like SUCH a good idea at the time. Also, I learned that unlike beer pong and flip cup, you do NOT get better at drawing pictures when you're hammered.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Damnit. The stars have been aligned all season. But things are changing. Winter is coming. THE 11 AM GAME HAS RETURNED. It's every man, woman and child for themselves when it comes to 11 am games. Except you really shouldn't get kids involved the type of activities we enjoy. Terrible idea.

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION: For some reason, I will be playing EXPERT in a College Football round-table discussion-type thing on Huff Post Live next Wednesday around 7:50 pm CENTRAL. I have no idea how this is gonna play out, or how foolish I'll look and sound, but check it out if you wanna see me vidchatting from my kitchen about how miserable Wisconsin and the Big Ten are. Feel free to leave comments in there about how handsome and articulate I am. It's the internet - everything you say is TRUE.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ESPN2 AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY

WEATHER: LOW 50'S, RAIN, PROBABLY SHOULD GET EXTRA DRUNK SO THE RAIN DOESN'T AFFECT YOU AT ALL

TELL ME ONE THING ABOUT UTEP. I DARE YOU.

NOTABLE ALUMNI

Taurian Fontenette, AND1 Streetballer. Or as you might know him, Air Up There AKA Mr. 720. What happened to AND1? I'm talking to whole thing. The clothes. The hoopin'. The mixtapes. I feel like they all just disappeared one night. FACT: I used to have enough AND1 clothing to clothe a small African nation. AND1 shorts were the hottest shit ever back in the day and I couldn't get enough. Forget for like 10 seconds that I'm white, terrible at hoops and white. It didn't matter. When I had my AND1 gear on I was just as good as Air Up There, especially when I didn't have to dribble and was playing on the 7 foot hoop in my backyard.

Ed Hochuli, NFL Official, World's Strongest Man. HOCHULES. How freaking TIMELY is this? In the midst of the terrible, no good NFL Official Strike of 2012 (SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE THAN THE TEACHER STRIKE), we get to talk about Hochuli. Say what you want about the man, but he gives out tickets to the gun show every damn Sunday during football season. Except this season, I suppose. In case you live under a rock in a cave on Mars and don't know who he is, let his biceps make love to your eyes:

TOP 5 DEEP THOUGHTS (according to a random website made in the 90's, because no way I remember any Deep Thoughts well enough to make my own list, and this list is pretty good, so just pretend in your head that these are MY favorite Deep Thoughts and give me all the credit for picking such good Deep Thoughts)

1) "One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' "He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. 'I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

2) "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.'"

3) "To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

4) "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

5) "I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as goo"d as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

Is it OK that I'm still kinda scared of clowns even though they've never murdered any of my family members? F clowns right in their stupid, painted faces.

PS - This is good trolling on the official Jack Handey website:

Jack Handey must just absolutely clean up with the ladies. I'm moderately attracted to him and I'm a straight dude. Another week and another school with top notch alum out there killing it. Get your shit together, UW.

THEY SHOULD BE THE MUCKERS, NOT THE MINERS

Check it:

It is presumed that the nickname "Miners" came from the fact that the school was founded as the "State School of Mines and Metallurgy." In doing research on this project, early mention of "Ore Diggers" and "Muckers" for the nickname was found, but nothing to determine if the name "Miners" was voted upon by the student body, or if a faculty member, John W. (Cap) Kidd, chose the name. Kidd was a big booster of athletics, especially football, and in 1915, when funds were rather lean at the school, Kidd donated $800 to equip the football team.

Is there a way I can go back in time and retroactively give them $1,000 to be the Muckers? Do you know how much fun it would be if there was a school named the Muckers? THEM DAMN MOTHERMUCKERS ARE LOSING AGAIN! OK, maybe this wouldn't be as fun as I originally thought. But the signs on Gameday would be great. Assuming UTEP was ever good enough at football to host a Gameday?

LET'S PRAISE THEIR INTEGRATIONAL ABILITIES

Remember the movie Glory Road? Me neither. Saw it once, it kinda sucked. But the story was apparently very real: UTEP was the first southern school to integrate its sports programs. MAD PROPS. And in a fascinating case of instant karma, UTEP's basketball program (which had 'aggressively' recruited black players - Wikipedia wanted to emphasize that this was AGGRESSIVE RECRUITING) won its only national title in 1966, beating a Kentucky team full of white boys. IN YOUR FACE RACISTS.

Not gonna lie, kinda wish I went to UTEP.

THE BEST DRINKS IN MADISON

9) I Think It's A Long Island, But Whatever Comes In The Mason Jar at Red Shed

I've never been there less than blasted, so the thought of trying to tell you exactly what's in that drink is just absurd. Here's what I do know: Whenever a drink is offered to you in a mason jar, you take that drink and you DRINK THE SHIT OUT OF IT. There's for sure gonna be way too much alcohol in it, and the faster you drink it, the faster you can go embarrass yourself on the dance floor or start sending regrettable texts. BOTH ARE FUN.

Do any of you watch Bar Rescue? It's probably the best show in television history not named Game of Thrones. Basic premise: Ultimate bro Jon Taffer goes to a bar that is failing miserably, and in 5 days he completely re-brands it, trains the staff how not to be terrible at what they do, and leaves with a smug smile on his face about how good he is at being a dick to people to force them to change. Sounds great, right? ANYWAY, one of his biggest things is making bartenders measure out drinks and not over serve. If Taffer saw the bartenders at the Red Shed pouring gallons of liquor into mason jars, he would honestly have an aneurysm right there on the show. He can't stand it. Do you see where I'm going with this? Because I sure as hell don't. I just wanted an opportunity to talk about Bar Rescue and how much of a dick Taffer is, yet how much I respect him and his craft. 'Bar Rescuer' is a pretty badass title for a business card.

Previously:

10) Orange Halloween Wop

11) Three Story Beer Bongs On Dayton Street

12) Mountain Creek Power Hour

Honorable Mentions: Birthday Mug at the Nitty Gritty, World's Biggest Mixed Drinks at Quaker Steak & Lube, Old Fashioned at the Old Fashioned

MATCH-UPS TO WATCH

UW Rushing Game vs. My Sanity

(Brace yo' self, I'm frustrated)

NO LO COMPRENDO. For those of who don't habla español, that means I have no fucking idea why we're so bad at running the ball. We are currently 96th in the nation in rushing yards per game. I'm not sure how many teams there are in D1, but if you told me there were 97 teams I'd believe you. We've been that bad. Monteé (MAYBE IF YOU GET RID OF THAT DUMB ACCENT MARK YOU'LL BE GOOD AGAIN) Ball is averaging 3.8 yards per carry and has exactly 2 touchdowns. TWO. Have you noticed at the two home games so far that after every (excuse me, both) touchdown he scores, the run up a little flag to hang at the top of the stadium? They probably ordered 40 of those flags. How dumb do they feel now? We'll see those flags in an African village somewhere next year next to a family of 8 wearing Buffalo Bills Super Bowl Champs t-shirts before we'll see them flying high at Camp Randall. FIX THIS PROBLEM BEFORE I LOSE MY BRAIN.

UW Police Department vs. Everyone Trying To Have Fun

You know what, Madison? This is some bullshit. I get that you don't want people dying from bonging shots of Everclear, but to break up 24 house parties the day of UW's only night game? YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE. Let's break it down:

Ald. Scott Resnick, District 8, said no major crimes occurred, even with the first nighttime Badgers football game of the season.

Translation: We made a giant fuss over nothing.

The additional officers responded to 24 house parties, including one party on Mendota Court where 25 to 30 packs of beer and 22 bottles of alcohol were confiscated...

Translation: They no longer have to buy booze for MPD Poker Night next Friday.

...according to the Madison Police Department Central District Community Policing Team’s Twitter page.

Translation: WE HAVE TWITTER SO YOU CAN FOLLOW US AND LOOK WE'RE NOT BAD PEOPLE WE'RE JUST LIKE YOU

Both McCaw and Resnick said students can avoid problems with police officers by keeping house parties small and under control.

Translation: We only care when you're having too much fun. HAVE LESS FUN.

Ugh.

RANDOM MUSIC I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK

Imagine Dragons - It's Time

Not a standard studio version because I think I'm way done linking to VEVO videos. They're bad people. Regardless, I really like this song - and it was recommended to me by the awesome people behind TouchTunes. Do you know what TouchTunes is? I'm sure you do - they're the badass jukeboxes that have giant digital touchscreens AND a sweet app that lets you buy songs from your phone. Basically, whenever I go to a bar I buy Ghetto Superstar a minute before I get there so when I walk in it's blasting. Intro songs. Best idea ever.

Phantom Planet - Do The Panic

Such an underrated group. Yes, they did that California song from The O.C. (former O.C. fan here, only soap opera I ever liked). But they have a bunch of other great songs. This is one of my favorites.

Puff Daddy, Faith Evans, 112 - I'll Be Missing You

The intro to this video is kinda messed up. And this is a sad song - but it's a really GOOD sad song.

PS - Faith Evans. PIPES.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Otherside

Hands down my favorite RHCP song. Those harmonizing vocals later in the song just work so damn well. It's pretty incredible how successful they've become despite writing relatively simple music the whole time.

THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU

Somehow won last week

Can we shock the world again?

HOCHULI'S BICEPS

YOUTUBE

18 minutes of bloopers from The Office, and it's absolutely, 100% worth watching all 18 minutes. The way I look at blooper reels, if these funny-ass people are losing their shit over a scene, then it must be really funny. My favorites are definitely Stanley at 1:27, the surround sound bit at :24, and Kevin sitting on Santa's lap at 8:04.

Fuck it, let's just keep the blooper reels coming. Here's 24 minutes of Seinfeld Season 8 bloopers. I could watch these videos all day.

Well, only one logical step to take after that: Curb Your Enthusiasm bloopers.

FOOD PORN

Cheese fries from Wiener's Circle. I've been going here since I was a kid, but it's obviously a whole different ballgame once you start going there wasted. All because of this beauty:

5) Waffle House. Covered hash browns are technically not cheese fries, but they're fantastic and the best thing to happen to Georgia since Sherman.

Last Place) Every establishment that drips nacho cheese bullshit on fries and passes it off as an order of cheese fries. Offensive.

SKY PORN

Not only did Feld snap a great pic from last Thursday's Packers/Bears game, but it tastes a little bit better knowing it was taken by a Bears fan. GO PACK GO

Incredible shot of a sunset in Hong Kong from my friend Kyle. Hit that link to see the rest of his photography. He uses real cameras and stuff.

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING HIPSTER - INCLUDING 2012 #LATFH HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES

I call this the Amelia Earhart look. The giant headphones work perfectly as a pilot headset with the mid-20th century flight jacket. Excellent composition.

Today we also have our first inductees into the Look At This Fucking Hipster Hall Of Fame - which just HAS to be based in Wicker Park.

Up first is a guy who knows you're only as good as your last haircut:

I love everything about him and want to shake his hand if I ever see him again.

F yes. This is me re-using old material, but this guy is a dead ringer for the lovechild born from these 2 guys:

Nailed it.PS - You know how people say the red line is dangerous after 2 am? I think they mean it's fucking AMAZING after 2 am.

PREDICTION CITY

Last week started out as a reverse jinx but very nearly turned into a cold, hard reality. This week I'm just going with a straight-up pick. UTEP is not that good. They've played some teams close, but this team is not good. Stave makes his first start, but I really, truly, madly, deeply hope this is the game where the O-Line starts blowing people up and we can run the ball with confidence. Please. It's an early game. Don't start our Saturday off on the wrong foot. Just win, baby. THE PICK: