Friday, 27 December 2013

The number 13 is
unlucky for the superstitious. It is iconic to the Horror film industry. It was
a once in a century opportunity. It was a chance to brand a banner year.

The Masters of Horror could have
returned for at least one last film. The second generation of new Masters1
should have released their magna opera. Neophyte directors would have premiered
their bloody offerings. It would have been Horror’s greatest year. It would
have lasted a hundred years.

Alas no one noticed. 2013 has come and
will soon be gone. Only one movie released this year is worthy of nomination
into Thrill Fiction’s Top 100 Horror Films. As such this ‘worst’ list should be
able to write itself but au contraire; it’s like dredging a cesspool looking
for material that hasn’t dissolved.

10SOLOCAN

In October this year Shock Till You Drop
became film distributors. Solo, a camper-in-peril
story, is their first effort. It’s also their worst effort. Lead actress Annie
Clark hints at future possibilities but she cannot lift up Olympus. The camera
focuses on her for too long. It reveals a plain Jane made to look somewhat
pretty being asked to distract the audience from the farce of this hollow
shell. Julia Roberts in her magic youth didn’t try this at home.

9THE COLONYUS

There is a certain type of
distinguished thespian who consistently brings gravitas to the motion picture.
The British call him Michael Caine. The Americans call him Morgan Freeman.
Christopher Nolan calls them whenever he wants to. In horror films they are
called Robert Englund and Tony Todd. There are others. For example Laurence
Fishburne is an actor of gravitas.

At the first sight of snow the viewer
is alerted that this is a The Thing1982 rip off. As soon as
Fishburne dies (in act 2) the audience is advised to ask for their money back (the
producers should to take the writers to small claims court).

8ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANEUS

Overnight2003 chronicles the
events from script to first screening of The
Boondock Saints1999. The documentary shows how Harvey Weinstein can destroy
careers – and by extension lives. Mandy
Lane
had an international release in 2006 but a US limited release last September. Harvey
can waste dump his genre films as and when he pleases but the true story of Mandy Lane is waiting to be
made into another documentary.In the
meantime the cinema release has a reveal that could have been horror’s answer
to Planet of the Apes1968. Alas it was
botched. Further Amber Heard plays the titular character.

Right again Harvey.

7TEXAS CHAINSAW 3DUS

The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974 stunned the world.
It still stuns. What’s equally stunning is Lionsgate’s capacity for
exploitation. Tobe Hooper’s fable could have been written by Aesop. It is a
self contained complete story. There is no narrative latitude for sequels or
prequels. Post 9/11 there is no cultural rational for a remake.

Addendum: This isn’t a remake; this is
3D.

6EVIL DEADUS

Here is a perfect display of fandom.
The original trilogy soared from no-budget to low-budget to wide release. 20
years later and the franchise never really went away (unlike the Candyman and Jeepers Creepers series). The fans
demanded a reboot. They deserved more than a remake (of a film about demons)
that has no soul.

5DARK SKIESUS

It’s always good news when a studio
announces a horror film. It’s usually bad news when the studio releases that horror
film. However there is precedent for greatness: Rosemary’s
Baby1968; The
Exorcist1973; Scream1996. There is precedent for
good films eg Final Destination2000. There is no excuse for Dark
Skies
- and how on earth did it make a profit?2

The Weinstein Company should rename
itself Weinstein & Son the way they make money from junk.

4BLACK ROCKUS

It’s a bad day for horror when the Political
Correct faction wants to see our papers. In this film three white women (on
their way to domestic-soccer-mom-bliss) play the leads. This is not The Craft1996 or even The Descent2005. This is
gaggle-babble feminazi white-victim fantasy with the expected dose of civil
rights contradictory racist appropriations.

Vile.

3FRANKENSTEIN’S ARMYUS

This found-footage feature is set
during World War 2 and is about a Captain America type program gone wrong. The
concept isn’t terrible but how much footage can be found in a 1940s era camera?
The ‘terrible’ comes with the budget:

Attention aspiring filmmakers! If you’ve
got no money – make a film noir.

2THE DEMENTEDUS

This is no name/no talent camcorder
teen cinema. It is indicative of the genre’s current torpor. The mere idea that
one human being would charge another to watch this is proof there is evil. Civilians
use condoms; the Hollywood system uses a filter to guard against STDs
(Straight-to-DVD).

1
INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2US

There is a new generation of horror
film fans. They elevated the mediocre Insidious2011 to a smash hit hence
this sequel. They watched The
Purge2013 and The
Conjuring2013 the way their parents watch American Idol. There is only craft. There is no art.

Congratulations James (Wan). You
crafty bastard. You sold out. Now you can cash in. Why don't you direct a mainstream action flick? They'll give you $160million to play with - but they'll want their pound of flesh James. You sold out. You will pay up. They demand it. Should anyone ever nominate you for
a Master of Horror1 I will remind
them of Insidious Chapter 2.

For unrelated reasons I
stopped watching soccer in 2012. It was a lifelong habit. Friends didn’t
believe me. They do now. This year in horror was as bad as last year and next
year doesn’t look scary at all. I don’t know how much longer I can watch
camcorder cinema and corporate horror but at some point I’m going to have to detox.
Gonzo porn is better than this (and I don’t watch that anymore). What will
happen to the industry if Thrill Fiction withdraws its support? You’ll be left
with punters who think Idle
Hands1999 is classic cinema.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Every year in every century ends with the numbers
0-99. The most important year to the world ends with ‘00’. The most important
to the horror film fan ends with ‘13’. A 100 years ago cinema was nascent.
Today the internet is mainstream. It is the fanbase and support structure for
the genre. Today is 2013. It is the year of horror. We won’t live to see the
next.

Welcome.

This is what the industry has in cinema for
us.

[Only films with confirmed release dates are
included. All dates are UK and North America only and are subject to change
(see Carrie). Releases are wide unless otherwise stated. The criterion is big
budget, buzz and expectation. My expectation.]

Texas Chainsaw
3D(January
4th US & UK)

Before everyone goes back to work and the
kids go back to school Hollywood decided to capitalise on the January Open.
This week last year Paramount released The Devil Inside. By
the end of the month it had grossed $53million1. . That film was risible.

Fool me once.

Mama(Jan
18th US/Feb 22nd UK)

Foreign horror films are the flesh and bone
to Hollywood’s new clothes. The best movies come from Spain. They are the most
literate and they are the most lyrical – when filmed in Spanish.

Mama is
an English language film. When the Spanish script English it can result in The
Others2001 or Darkness2002. This film, however,
has promising pedigree. It is based on a short and produced by the only Master
of Horror at work today; Guillermo del Toro.

Sold.

The
Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia(Feb 1st US VOD and Limited)

Virginia Madsen squeezed blood drops from the
driest period in horror (since the modern era began) in Candyman1992. Her last visit to
the genre was The Haunting in Connecticut2009. That film was
mediocre. Perhaps lessons have been learnt for this subtitled sequel.

As noted by Grace in the video review below
the American holocaust of African slaves features in the storyline of this
film. What she didn’t mention is that it featured in Candyman
too.

Stoker(Mar 1stUS & UK)

The Others 2001 is
a great horror film. Nicole Kidman is in almost every scene thus a horror film
starring Kidman cannot be ignored.

The director of Stoker is
Park Chan-wook. He directed Oldboy 2003. It won the Grand Prix at the Cannes
Film Festival.in 2004. As his name suggests Park is Korean. Directing actors in
English may turn out to be a faux pas for him. Especially since one of those
actors is Dermott Mulroney..

The jury is out.

The Last
Exorcism Part 2(Mar 1st US & Mar 15th
UK)

The original is one of the better found
footage films (for those who can’t stand the genre that’s an accusation of
being the smartest idiot). This sequel retains the lead actress from the former
but not the writer-director team. The good news is the three year gap between
films. The gestation suggests adequate time was spent on the script and the
edit.

The Evil
Dead (Apr 12th US & Mar 15th UK)

After a year’s reprieve the remake is back.

The tagline is a whore’s pillow talk. It’s
superfluous as the title alone will attract the middle aged Gen-Xers looking
for their lost teenage years. Perhaps they (but not me) will Facebook the
chicks they were seeing in high school when the original came out. Those hot
chick are now grandmothers fighting hot flush menopause with medication.

Sam Raimi has moved on. He left the fanboys behind
in their mother’s basements.

Carrie(Apr
5th UK & Oct 18th US)

Ask anyone in Britain who Sir Bob Geldof is
and they’ll tell you he’s the man behind Live Aid (We Are the World to you Americans). Ask again and they’ll say he’s
the lead singer of the defunct Boomtown Rats.

Q:
What is The ‘Rats biggest single?

A:
I Don’t Like Mondays.

The title is a direct quote from then 16 year
old Brenda Ann Spencer. She was answering a reporter’s question as to why she had
perpetrated in the Cleveland Elementary School massacre. The day was 29 January
1979.

The original Carrie was
released in 1976 – when the schoolyard massacre was an anomaly. Don’t expect Carrie2013 to
be released theatrically in America. Today the schoolyard massacre is a
regularity. There will be a lot of school shootings before the projected
release date.

World
War Z(June 21st US & UK)

I listened to the audio book – or rather I
listened to as much as I could before I washed my ears out in repugnance. The
story is nothing more than white supremacist wishful delusions; in the middle
of the zombie apocalypse even Nelson Mandela wants to worship whitey.

This racist masturbation was written by Max
Brooks – as in son of Mel. It proves that no matter how much money you throw at
the problem, how much education you bestow upon a racist there is no cure for
evil.

Of course Hollywood is going to screw it up
by taking out all the trash and leaving the action set pieces.

Thank you Hollywood.

The
Conjuring(July
19th US & UK)

Vera Farmiga has proved she can play support
in action films (Source Code2011 and Safe
House2012). In
The
Conjuring she plays the lead role in a horror film.

Vera Farmiga: Old Spice

Liv Tyler attempted the same and failed in The
Strangers2008.
Jennifer Connolly tried this and stumbled in Dark Water 2005.It’s a tailor made
role for a middle aged woman (see Virginia Madsen in The
Haunting in Connecticut). Vera gets to play mother hen to a
family haunted by ghosts.

Horror doesn’t have to be original – it just
has to be good.

You’re
Next(Aug
23rd US & UK)

The fans of Ti West continue to congregate
around their computers and wait for news of his next venture. You’re
Next is a home invasion flick a la Secuestrados2010. This is the first
Ti West film to have a wide/international release – but it’s not a Ti West
film. He neither wrote nor directed this picture. He’s the second billed actor.

written and directed by Ti West

That makes it a Ti West film.

There
are better films on the horizon but Maniac and
[●REC]4
Apocalypse haven’t received release dates yet. The
genre waits for a game changer à la Scream1996, Halloween1978 and Night
of the Living Dead1968. In
the meantime remakes are fine in theory but horror is best practiced with originality.

Antiviral directed
by Brandon Cronenberg: coming soon.

I’d like to wish a belated happy new year to
all those who visited the blog in 2012. We read. We write. The culture is safe
in our hands. Filip I want to hear your Exorcist 3 review; Steupz you still the
man; Nisar keep watching those stats; Ricky Sprague – you are a writer. To all
those who regularly read my blog and I didn’t mention you by name – let’s get acquainted
this year.