Bonjour!
That mean 'Hey!'
I bet you didn't know your gal pal Loretta
spoke French now, did ya now?
Surprise, surprise!
Watch.
Oui, oui, monsieur.
Good morgen.
Voley voo
Menage a trois
(French jibberish)
Wait!
Pretend like I got hairy armpits.
(French jibberish.)
Rude! I rude!
(laughs)
Yeah, Loretta Jenkins
might bleed red, white & blue,
but she still know the motherfuckin' tongue
of the motherfuckin' land.
It's all maple in my veins!
(singing)
"Oh Canada!"
"And your maple trees on the snow"
"Ummm..."
"and there's some squirrels jumpin'"
"on a branch of snow..."
And it is fuckin' cold up there!
That's why I had to get the fuck out.
But we had to gain our independence
from them rude sumbitches-
Them Frenchies over there,
just like y'all had to them
hoity-toity, toothless Brits!
(dog howling)
Shut up!
Today's How I Seize It is cause
I thought I might go take in some culture.
I decided to go over
and take in that movie 'Les Miserables'
in that new multiplex over there in Little Rock,
cause costume-or-not,
I am officially banned from this
Cinemax over here,
as y'all who gets your regular movie advice from me
knows of my past altercations.
Well they wasn't much culture up in there!
Just a goddamn history lesson.
They said it was French,
but they wasn't nothin' up in there
but a bunch of Britishes
and Americans with shitty accents.
Nothin' to brush up my French on,
cause I'm gettin' huge over there in Austria somewheres.
Or Australia...I can't remember.
Some foreign place.
Shit, I'm gonna have to
get back up on the Loretta Stone.
I'm gonna sue Hollywood for false labelin'.
They ought to have gaved this movie a proper title.
Like the,
'It's Real Sad And Everybody Die Movie.'
I don't think they should make musicals
with death scenes in them.
Hell, this movie didn't make me Less Miserables,
it made me More Miserables!
Make something happy, Hollywood!
Shit, they don't never listen...
I reckon the queers like this movie,
so I'm gonna give it a thumbs up,
and a 'meh...'
I do hope it win some awards, tho.
There ain't nothin' I like bette
than seein' Ol' Hugh Jackman all gussied up,
and I turn the lights down low, all romantical...
and I draws us a bath-
Oh!
I left out the part where I mention
that my vibrator also named 'Hugh Jackson.'
(laughs)
I can even make it through his shitty movies,
long as my D Batteries holds out!
(laughs)
Now don't get me wrong,
I'll let Russell Crowe fuck me
eighty ways to Sunday-
He ain't even got to pull out.
But, I still wouldn't let him
sing in no goddamn musical!
They could at least have him
pull out his pecker and play with it
so I would have something
to be distracted by while he was singin'!
I got mad specks for that Ann Hathaway tho,
willin' to walk around in bulldagga hair,
just so they could get that scene
where she like all bellerin'
on and on and on about her youngin'.
And they cut her hair off.
Oooh!
She was fuck ugly when they took her hair off.
And she was like prostitutin'
and eatin' garbage out of the street
and pulled that maggot out her nose...
But I got to admit,
I didn't realize how fat she was
in all them other movies,
but she real good and skinny now.
I don't know, I kept dozin' off, you know...
All them turkey jibblet shooters I done.
They got that trichinosis drug in it.
But I guess she-
SPOILER ALERT!
-died,
or some war started or some shit, cause-
Hell, I don't know.
It's one of them daggum eight hour affairs
that you can powernap through
and not really miss much.
But I heard that gunfire
and that cannon fodders go
BOOM!
And people was screamin' and cryin'
and I must have dreamed a dream
where they let another shooter
let loose in there.
And I stand up,
screamin' all hysterical and shit,
and I grabbed the hair of the woman
that was sittin' in front of me!
I was gonna use her for a human shield,
jecked her up onto me
where I could hide behind her.
I was lookin' through her hair-
Peekin through-
And we was like runnin'-
Duckin' and hidin'
'til I could reach the exit!
And these motherfuckers tackle me talkin 'bout,
"Put our Grandma down!"
"She on a ventilator!!!"
Before I could explain my paranoia
these two rent-a-cop fuckjobbies?
They Jean-Val-Jean-ed my ass
all the way to the slammer!
But it's like I told the judge.
It ain't like I walk around on this earth
all sober and shit!
That ain't my fault.
I'm the product of my environment,
so explain that!
But he one of them conservative activist 'javers.'
Oh!
That's French for 'judges,' y'all...
Well, he sentence me to house arrest
and says I can't drink for thirty days.
Thirty damn days,
I'm supposed to be sober!
Luckily, I got some dirt on my neighbor Chrystal,
and so she been bringin' me over bottles of pee
over here for when they come test.
I mean it is kinely gross
fillin' up my cooter
with that heifer's lemondrops,
but anything is better than sobriety.
And that's How I Seize It.