Here is something I've been working on for the past year. Whenever I think of something inspirational, (in other words, negative or cynical) I write it down. These are Brian Inwood's Words of Wisdom. (Brian Inwood is my real name)
Bask in my wisdom.

Brian Inwood’s Words of Wisdom

-Cynicism is just another word for experience.
-Friends may come and go, but memories last forever. Or at least until you forget.
-You’re only flaw is that you’re screwed up.
-Despite popular belief, it’s not that hard to flush the toilet.
-It turns out that suicide is painful.
-When you ask someone a question to which they reply “look it up on Wikipedia”, you are legally aloud to smack them.
-It is okay to kill insects since they are small, creepy, and easy to squish.
-If you’re happy, chances are you’re a moron.
-Even though it’s just a Treasury, you still have to buy it to have the whole set.
-No matter how filthy, stinkin rich you are, you’re still a total moron if you buy a 3000 dollar chess set.
-“Catch and Release” is just a nice way of saying “Torturing fish for fun.”
-Any word with a “KH” in it is automatically funny.
-Mouse traps are an inhumane way to kill mice. Letting your cat torture and rip it to shreds before finally killing and devouring it is the kindest way to kill a mouse since “it’s nature”
-When you propose via hangman, it sends mixed messages.
-No matter how fast you can run, don’t annoy the cheetahs.
-While April, May, and June are good names for girls, it is unwise to name your daughter February.
-If you can’t tell what the commercial is about, it’s a car commercial.
-Nose picking is a necessary evil.
-When someone says you aren’t funny, don’t make it worse by making a pun.
-If you don’t cry during “So Long Old Friend” in Here Comes Garfield, you have no heart.
-Remember, it’s the thought that counts. So think of something good.
-Don’t order a glass of milk at a restaurant. The server will look at you funny.
-Nobody has ever laughed while reading a joke book.
-Retiring from your job is not your main goal. Retiring with MONEY is your goal.
-It’s only “just a game” when you lose
-The harder you work on something, the less it will be noticed.
-“Coloured In Law” states that “The amount you enjoy your picture uncoloured is equal to the amount you will hat it coloured in".

The flushing toilets joke was from the fact that nobody flushes the toilet in public washrooms.
The Suicide IS painful joke is a refference to the M*A*S*H sign on in which the words go "Suicide is painless"
I invented "Coloured In Law" from my own experience of adding colour to pictures.