Somebody in the White House Thought We Needed to Know This Stuff. Remember That.

I congratulate The Washington Post on obtaining—God alone knoweth how—the transcripts of phone calls between the president* and the respective leaders of Mexico and Australia. Before we go into how doomed we are as a species because of this guy, let's ponder the fact of what a blessed sieve this White House is. I'm willing to believe anything at this point, so maybe somebody in the administration thought leaking these transcripts would make the president* look tough. After all, the available evidence is that this White House hires off the dim end of the chandelier.

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But, more likely, the leak is a thinly veiled cry for help either from someone who would like to still have a career in government when this is all over, or someone who would like to still have an inhabitable planet when this is all over.

The transcripts were based on records kept by White House notetakers who monitored Trump's calls. Known as a "memorandum of conversation," such documents are commonly circulated to White House staff and senior policymakers. Both documents obtained by The Post contain notes indicating they were reviewed and classified by retired Lt. Gen. Keith Kellogg Jr., who serves as chief of staff on the National Security Council.

Let us begin, then. Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.

Here he is, talking to Mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto about Ohio, and in the third person, too. Also, dancing.

I was not at all disappointed in the meeting, because Mexico, honestly, through smarter leadership, more cunning leadership — and you are in that category very much so – the very smart leadership in Mexico has taken advantage of the United States. The people of the United States know this. In Ohio, they are having rallies for Trump right now because Trump has taken a hard stance on Mexico. We lost a lot of factories in Ohio and Michigan and I won these states – some of these states have not been won in 38 years by a Republican and I won them very easily. So they are dancing in the streets. You probably have the same thing where they are dancing in your streets also, but in reverse.

Here he is, talking to Pena Nieto about his big beautiful wall, and the big beautiful jackass he will make of himself if the big, beautiful wall doesn't get built, and if Mexico doesn't pay for the big, beautiful wall.

Nieto: This is what I suggest, Mr. President – let us stop talking about the wall. I have recognized the right of any government to protect its borders as it deems necessary and convenient. But my position has been and will continue to be very firm saying that Mexico cannot pay for that wall.

Trump: But you cannot say that to the press. The press is going to go with that and I cannot live with that. You cannot say that to the press because I cannot negotiate under those circumstances.

Here he is, selling New Hampshire down the river. Good morning, suckers!

And we have the drug lords in Mexico that are knocking the hell out of our country. They are sending drugs to Chicago, Los Angeles, and to New York. Up in New Hampshire – I won New Hampshire because New Hampshire is a drug-infested den – is coming from the southern border.

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Here he is, trying to be flattering and falling on his face.

TRUMP: I will let Jared Kushner, Wilbur Ross, and all the different people that are involved – Wilbur will be confirmed as Secretary of Commerce any moment now – to get with your team and they can knock something out that will be a fabulous agreement. It will look good for both of us. I will say with you representing Mexico and me representing the United States we will have a good agreement and we will almost become the fathers of our country – almost not quite okay? Please go away from this conversation understanding it is not my first choice, but what I want is to have a good and strong neighbor in Mexico.

There's an awful lot of Jared in this transcript. That concerns me as well.

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As hard as it may be to believe, the conversation with Malcolm Turnbull, the prime minister of Australia, went even worse. (How can an American president, even this one, manage to alienate the Aussies? I didn't think this was possible.) This conversation already is legendary because portions of it, particularly the angry way it ended, were leaked a while ago. But the verbatim transcript is nothing short of astounding.

Australia has a terrible refugee problem. Its solution was to turn the island of Nauru into an open-air prison. As The Guardian revealed a year ago, conditions in the camp there are horrific.

Shortly before the presidential election, Turnbull and President Obama concluded a deal whereby the United States would vet and then admit 1,250 refugees from the Nauru camp, and from another camp run by the Australians in Papua New Guinea. Apparently, the new president* was under a lot of pressure to cancel this deal once he was inaugurated in front of the biggest crowd ever gathered in the western hemisphere. He tried to explain this to a very aggravated Malcolm Turnbull.

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Trump: Look, I do not know how you got them to sign a deal like this, but that is how they lost the election. They said I had no way to 270 and I got 306. That is why they lost the election, because of stupid deals like this. You have brokered many a stupid deal in business and I respect you, but I guarantee that you broke many a stupid deal. This is a stupid deal. This deal will make me look terrible.

(Ed. Note: I think the way the president* assumes that Turnbull understands what the Electoral College is all about is charming as all get-out.)

Trump: Mr. President, I think this will make you look like a man who stands by the commitments of the United States. It shows that you are a committed —

Hold on there, Dingo Breath. This is not the way you talk to Mr. 306.

Trump: Okay, this shows me to be a dope.

OK, fire away. I'll wait.

Everybody done? Good. We continue.

Trump: I am not like this but, if I have to do it, I will do it but I do not like this at all. I will be honest with you. Not even a little bit. I think it is ridiculous and Obama should have never signed it. The only reason I will take them is because I have to honor a deal signed by my predecessor and it was a rotten deal. I say that it was a stupid deal like all the other deals that this country signed. You have to see what I am doing. I am unlocking deals that were made by people, these people were incompetent. I am not going to say that it fits within the realm of my Executive Order. We are going to allow 2,000 prisoners to come into our country and it is within the realm of my Executive Order? If that is the case my Executive Order does not mean anything Malcom [sic]. I look like a dope. The only way that I can do this is to say that my predecessor made a deal and I have no option then to honor the deal. I hate having to do it, but I am still going to vet them very closely. Suppose I vet them closely and I do not take any?

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Turnbull cracks another Foster's and has none of this.

Turnbull: Let me explain. We know exactly who they are. They have been on Nauru or Manus for over three years and the only reason we cannot let them into Australia is because of our commitment to not allow people to come by boat. Otherwise we would have let them in. If they had arrived by airplane and with a tourist visa then they would be here.

The president* was eager to demonstrate that he had walked by a television set while the news was on once in the past five years.

Trump: Okay, good. Can Australia give me a guarantee that if we have any problems – you know that is what they said about the Boston bombers. They said they were wonderful young men.

Turnbull: They were Russians. They were not from any of these countries.

Trump: They were from wherever they were.

Undeniably true. But how can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all. It's a puzzle, surely.

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Turnbull goes on to explain why the mode of transportation the refugees used to get to Australia matters and then he reminds the president* that there was a president before he was president*.

Trumbull: So that is the point. I am a highly transactional businessman like you and I know the deal has to work for both sides. Now Obama thought this deal worked for him and he drove a hard bargain with us – that it was agreed with Obama more than a year ago in the Oval Office, long before the election. The principles of the deal were agreed to.

Trump: I do not know what he got out of it. We never get anything out of it – START Treaty, the Iran deal. I do not know where they find these people to make these stupid deals. I am going to get killed on this thing.

Turnbull: You will not.

Translation from the original Australian: Why do I give a bloody fck what they say about you on talk radio? Give me another beer right now.

The call rolls on to its now-famous angry conclusion. At this point, the transcript indicates that Turnbull isn't even listening to him any more.

Trump: I have no choice to say that about it. Malcom [sic], I am going to say that I have no choice but to honor my predecessor's deal. I think it is a horrible deal, a disgusting deal that I would have never made. It is an embarrassment to the United States of America and you can say it just the way I said it. I will say it just that way. As far as I am concerned that is enough Malcom [sic]. I have had it. I have been making these calls all day and this is the most unpleasant call all day. Putin was a pleasant call. This is ridiculous.

Turnbull: Do you want to talk about Syria and DPRK?

Trump: [inaudible] this is crazy.

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Turnbull: Thank you for your commitment. It is very important to us.

Trump: It is important to you and it is embarrassing to me. It is an embarrassment to me, but at least I got you off the hook. So you put me back on the hook.

Turnbull: You can count on me. I will be there again and again.

Somebody in the White House thought we needed to know all this. They were right but, yeesh, I'm laying in canned goods and making sure the crystal set is powered up. When those people from the drug-infested den of New Hampshire come flooding down, I'm going to be ready.

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