Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Five "Census Document" Questions for Michael Steele

Today your Unhumble Car Czar turns it over to a summer intern who joined the Republican Party back when it was actually the voice of limited government instead of half-wit racists. (OK, ya got me. Nobody who was old enough to join the Republican Party that long ago would be interning this summer, but on second thought, nobody has a job, so maybe the story works).

Dear Mr. Steele: Received your Republican National Committee Census Document Questionnaire the other day. It was full of thought-provoking questions ... mostly not-on-paper ... like, "Why in the world is this guy in charge of the Republican Party?"

Instead of answering your census I scanned it and put it out on the web (see below) for even today's non-Republicans (pretty much everybody) to see.

Now I have a questionnaire for you:

Five "Census Document" Questionsfor Michael Steele

1. Do you think our party should continue to court young underemployed and uneducated whites who likely spent part of their childhoods shut in junk refrigerators with no oxygen during hide-n-seek?

2. Do you think our party should continue to court older versions of the above whose brains have since shrunk to the size of walnuts and who now entertain Fox News-fueled paranoid delusions of a Barack Obama-led descent into a Lucifer's Own Fiery Muslim/Socialist/Negro Pit of Despair?

3. Is the Republican Party, which is the last defense against liberal foolishness like racial- and gender-based hiring quotas, unisex public rest rooms, and Al Gore's beard, going to be strengthened or weakened by the continued media presence of lightweight party figureheads like Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal, and you?

4. Do you think sending out an official RNC Census Document Questionnaire loaded with childishly inflammatory questions straight out of some Fuller Brush salesman's porch-step persuasion playbook is going to secure the loyalty of the last sane members of our Grand Old Party?