So my mum came over the other day in tears. Having recently found my Instagram account and getting a bird’s-eye view of me being a champion parent, she had come to the realisation that her skills as a mother were flawed and begged me to forgive her for 30 years of failures. Dad and her were even considering battling the barricades of menopause and a vasectomy to see if they could have another child, hoping that this time I would mentor them and give them the opportunity to be truly exceptional parents. “Mother, rise from your begging knees and pull yourself together”, I said in my most condescending tone. “For an undisclosed sum of money I will teach you the ways of a good Instagram parent”.

I sincerely hope that none of you actually believe that ever happened. Aside from mum and dad trying for another child, best of luck to them and may the scientific evidence of its impossibility not dampen their spirits. Truth is though a fairly regular comment on Instagram is that we are great parents, which is lovely it really is. Let’s be honest here though, through the act of posting only photos and a couple of 15 second videos, people can get away with faking pretty much anything. For instance, I’ve had a good look at Kylie Jenner’s Instagram and I can’t for a second tell that she is transitioning…that’s the Jenner they are talking about right? Or I bet if Instagram was around 20 years ago, O.J. Simpson would have looked like a really good husband.

If I were not myself, and as a stranger happened to stumble upon my Instagram, I would likely assume I am a fairly hands on parent. I believe I would have 4 very distinct thoughts;

1. Aside from Akon, this might just be the most attractive man on Instagram.

2. His kids are super cute too, way cuter than mine, and he really seems to have a significant amount of time to entertain them. I wonder what he does for work that gives him all this free time?

3. Oh what! He’s a singer! At weddings, parties, functions!! I can check out his website www.stevenchilds.com.au and book him for my own event! This is the best day ever.

4. Wow, is that his wife? I’d sure like to see her naked.

Let’s just focus on point 2 and look at the most important factor in it, I’m a stay at home dad. Sure, I work a couple of nights a week for a total of maybe 8 hours, but for the other 160 hours my job is just to be a dad. I would be a pretty terrible person if I didn’t take advantage of the ample free time I have to organise a crafternoon, park visit or picnic. All parents know that this shit doesn’t take all day though and my kids have the attention span of a heavy cocaine user. Really anything I post on Instagram is just a bridging activity I chose to do in between some shit I actually needed to do while my kid watches Frozen. Realistically if we were all to document our actual day, it would look like this.

Hell, I’m sure 6 followers (likely family) would really enjoy this and I would earn myself some sort of worst Instagram account award in no time. Instead, we all post the good bits right? It looks like this:

Truth: Shit yeah we did some craft today! It lasted 10 minutes and cleaning up after was one of the single worst experiences of my life because the paint wasn’t water based. Can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.

Actual Instagram Post:

Truth: I drank a bottle of wine with my wife last night, seeing if I could trick her into finding me attractive. Didn’t work, head hurts this morning and Iggy wouldn’t stop yelling into the depths of my brain until I took her for a bike ride.

Actual Instagram Post:

Truth: I had shopping to do before the school run but Iggy wouldn’t leave the house until we did dress ups. Remind me to throw out that fucking tiara and those heels next time she is at daycare.

Actual Instagram Post:

Truth: Shit, forgot to get mum a birthday present. I guess I could get the kids to bake something…but then I have to wash the dishes for the 27th time today. Do I love my mum enough to wash the dishes again…

Actual Instagram Post:

I really hope this post has made the point I was attempting to make. Point being, yes my kids watch Frozen at least 3 times a week too, because without the TV I wouldn’t get a single thing done. I just don’t post that part because some troll with 3 dogs but no real kids would attack my choice to give my kid an iPad. Before you post anything just always ask yourself this very important question, “Is this post going to make someone else feel like an inferior parent?”, if the answer is yes, post away.

18 Comments

Ahhh thanks for keeping it real. I was comparing my husband’s parenting skills to Instagram Steven and he just wasn’t measuring up! This particular quote I read today made a lot of sense. “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” Your highlight reel is awesome and so is your honesty. Thank the lord for Frozen!

Kate

May 26, 2015

Yup! This is my life. Mother of a 2 year old and a 3 month old. Train Movie (Polar Express) is played a lot at our house to get everything done and my life together.
This cracks me up! ????????

I like to post a mix of “OMG I am winning as a parent” and “Where is the wine (I’m a non-drinker)” moments on instagram. Tinkerbell is my cleaning fairy – when she’s on the screen I can actually get stuff done

Antanika Holton

June 4, 2015

This is so Ducking great. You make me feel completely human. Keep up the Awkward/ fun/ messed up job you are doing!

How does any parent do the mundane (housework) without computer/tv/ipad? If Jarvis is not stationary (on the couch or in front of my computer) he follows me around messing up what I just cleaned in his attempt to help. If I thought DOCS wouldn’t complain I would gaffa tape him to the wall when I want to mop.

Steven

October 12, 2015

Maybe Gaffa tape the iPad to his face?

Steven

October 12, 2015

Ducking haha.

Steven

October 12, 2015

Tinkerbell is what I call a bottle of wine

Steven

October 12, 2015

Hi Dani! Thanks so much for the sweet message! My website has been silly with messages for a while and only just saw it! I’ll make sure Tina passes on the hug when she is back in December