Excuse Me While I Set Your Child Straight

Is it ever appropriate to correct other people’s children? This is a topic that generates very strong opinions amongst parents; opinions that range from a resounding “yes” to a “hell no”. Where do you stand?

Just yesterday, I was at an event where I volunteered to help run some children’s activities. I was assigned a location, and along with two other volunteers, helped direct and aid the children that came to our area to take part in our activity.

Some of the children I encountered impressed me with their manners. However, there were numerous others that were blatantly rude and impolite towards me. Should I have said something?

Impoliteness is something that many children lead with — either because they have not been taught respect and manners at home, or their age and personality simply don’t allow for them to remember how to act in all situations, and at all times. Sometimes, they are just kids, being kids.

I assume that many of you, like myself, regularly are on the receiving end of disrespect from other people’s children. But, is this something that should be spoken up about or ignored? Does bad manners warrant correcting in every situation or should behavior correction, with other people’s children, only be acceptable when something more and worse than discourtesy is going on? This is a tough one.

As the adult in these situations, do you take into consideration whether or not the child’s parent is present or in the vicinity? Does whether or not they are, influence your decision of whether to speak up or not? If they are there, but not paying attention, do you still feel it is okay to speak directly to their child?

Let me tell you a little bit about my decisions in recent situations like these. In the aforementioned incident where I was helping to host a kids activity, I did speak up. I did not speak sternly and I did not intend to come off as disciplining the impolite children. In that instance, I simple stated, lightheartedly, “please be sure to mind your manners”. Additionally, I outwardly praised those that were using their manners with me by stating, loudly enough for all to hear, “thank you for your manners”.

In another situation, at a local bounce house, I chose not to speak up. I was eating a healthy snack bar and a little girl came up to me, snatched it out of my hand, took a bite, said “eww,” gave it back to me and then ran off to play. Yes, that really did happen. Crazy, right? I really thought maybe I was being Punk’d and that Aston Kutcher must have been hiding in the wings. I then scanned the bounce house to look for her parent and made eye contact with the woman who was clearly her parent. You know what the woman did? She gave me the “stink eye,” as if I had done something wrong? I did not correct the child here, nor did I approach the parent, who I assumed would not be into discussing the incident with me, based upon the look that she gave me.

A third incident that highlights bad behavior, but has my child exemplifying it, is one that I referenced in an article published back in April. In this situation, my son was acting up at the library and by acting up, I mean, being loud, crying, refusing to do what I asking, etc. Nothing too crazy and pretty much what you would expect from a tired toddler. Still, as I was leaving the library on that day with my typically, well-behaved, but defiant in this moment toddler over my shoulders, while baby-wearing my youngest, a man scolded my son — while I was holding him. I was furious. But, I maintained my cool (somewhat) and informed the man who I did not appreciate him speaking directly to my son while I was standing right there. Additionally, I told him that I was doing the best to handle my situation. Yes, this was my situation, not his. Some not nice words were exchanged between he and I and then we went our separate ways. But, of course, I was traumatized the rest of the day and left feeling extremely bothered, that a stranger had the audacity to approach me and my son and inflict a correction, seemingly on both of us.

Whether you are the one whose child is on the receiving end of a stranger’s correction or you are the one who feels that the situation requires you to intervene and speak up, there are some things that we all should remember when we are communicating with others — other adults and other people’s children:

— Consider whether the behavior is dangerous or harmful and if it is not, then maybe, just maybe, it is something you can ignore.

— If the behavior is something you don’t want to ignore, then express your opinion in a jovial, joking or light-hearted way. Presenting your opinion and/or correction in this tone and style, is surely to be received better than if you didn’t.

— Consider that sometimes, merely making your presence known in a situation, to either the other adult present or the children involved, can have the effect of stopping the behavior.

— Speak directly and respectfully to the over-seeing adult when they are present and you have deemed it necessary.

— Give kids a break — because when your child is the one that forgets his/her manners, and it will happen, you would appreciate that courtesy being given to your child.

In conclusion, the overall takeaway is that if you raise well-mannered, respectful children and you, yourself, respond to any lack of manners or disrespect aimed in your direction, with dignity and courtesy, then we will be maintaining positive communication with those around us, as well as modeling that for our children.

Thanks for your comment, Jennifer. I do agree with you that the man would not have said anything had it been my husband with my children. How unfortunate is that? But, all I can do is know that I am doing a good job, working hard at this parenting thing and so far, have raised kind, respectful and typically well-behaved children. I think that is something to be proud of! Thanks again for your comment!

Great post! I would like to think I could keep my cool if someone correct my child in front me like happened to you, but it also makes me think about when I speak up to others kids. Thanks for giving me something to help me stay more mindful of my actions! 🙂

I guess the thing is we tend to make judgement on the surface (look at that crying child, must be a terrible parent) whereas when it’s our own kids we know them- that they’re tired, hungry or just having a bad day. Also it’s fine for us to tell our kids off but we feel upset when someone else does it! So I think in most cases no- but I wouldn’t have been able to resist saying something about the child who grabbed the food from your hand!

I firmly believe it takes a village to raise our children. When my son behaves poorly (which is often because he’s firmly rooted in the terrible twos these days!), I expect the adults around him to correct him, especially if his behavior is directly impacting them. There have been plenty of times that I have been in a movie theater, enjoying some adult time, and a young person (with or without his or her parents) was either talking loudly or kicking my seat. That behavior directly impacts me, and, as a member of Planet Earth, I will call that behavior out. As both a mom and a former classroom teacher of 12 years, I’m aware of how to correct a child without causing too much conflict. I recognize that some parents might not want me to correct their child, but, when their child’s behavior impacts me in a negative way, I’m going to call attention to it in the most effective and positive way possible. By letting children behave however they want whenever they want, we reinforce the common idea that they are the center of the universe and everything revolves around them. It takes a village to help them realize that they are a part of a larger village, not the center of it.

Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to provide such a thoughtful comment MaryBeth. You make so many great and very important points. I think the key to what you said lies in the fact that you know how to correct a child without causing too much conflict. Not everyone does, nor do they always do it respectfully, politely and constructively. I totally understand and agree with your sentiment that our children need to know they are not the center of the village but an active participating member of it and that their actions impact the village as a whole. Thanks again for the thoughtful dialogue!

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Meet Nicole

I am genuinely and embarrassingly authentic. I feel every word and live every sentence that I write. I would love for you to co-travel with me on a journey through parenthood, marriage, and self-discovery.