Chronically Single

A chronically single woman.

I suppose that's what you could call me these days. When you're chronically ill and single it just kind of happens. The best definition I could piece together for a chronically single woman is a woman who desires to be in a committed romantic relationship but continues to find herself either persistently alone or in a series of dead-end relationships. Dead-end relationships. Yep, that sounds about par for me. The last year or so has been a particularly draining misadventure in dating. I've had a friend joke that I should write a book about it.

Well, how about a series of blog posts instead?

I'm an over thinker by nature and an insomniac at times, I've spent way too much time attempting to decipher what went wrong, what I'm doing wrong, what I'm looking for... oh that list could go on and on.

Being a spoonie plays into my dating life as it does every other aspect of my life. It takes a special kind of person to know and love a spoonie unconditionally. Not everyone wants to or is capable of understanding when a date has to be cancelled due to pain, anxiety, migraines, uneasiness or just simply being overwhelmed. Long-term expectations have to be considered as well- how does this person feel about the possibility of being a caregiver of sorts at times? Obviously you never know when life could deal a blow to you or your partner forcing you into that kind of role but when you enter into a relationship with someone who has a chronic illness or disability it is something you have to consider as part of the package.

Add in a heaping cup of trust issues, a pinch of scheduling conflicts and a dash of "I'm not as cute and young as I once was" and you've got yourself a recipe for dating disaster.

I've gone through an entire spectrum of pity parties over my failed attempts at securing a relationship over the course of the past year. In an attempt at finally being over that stage and coming to an acceptance of it simply being what it is, I've decided to vent out my feelings in this series of blog posts and then leave it there. Carrying the weight of the hurt, bitterness and pain is something that has taken a toll on my health and happiness and I just cannot let that continue any longer. I'm taking all of this and using it as permission to forgive myself, love myself and learn from my messes.

**To protect the privacy of the not-so-innocent (ha! I joke) and have some semblance of couth, there obviously will be no names mentioned, so if you happen to by some strange chance be one of the parties that crashed and burned with me- no sweat. I'm not doing this to bash you or cause any foul- it's purely for the purpose of healing, moving on and well, journaling experience- which is a main purpose of this blog anyways. You may not even know it's you that inspired each post so I doubt anyone else will.**