I can't believe it's news!

PENDLETON, Ore. - Bicyclists in eastern Oregon say they're getting whacked on the head by an angry bird.

Riders in Pendleton, Ore., told the East Oregonian that a male hawk is dive-bombing them because they're too close to a nest he's guarding in an old cottonwood tree.

Bicyclist Mack Temple says the bird came in from behind like a fighter plane and whacked his helmet. Another rider, Charlie Newhouse, says the attack on his helmet was "like getting hit with a baseball bat." He says the talons went in through the helmet.

Bird-watchers say the large bird is a Swainson's hawk. The riders say he's been vigilant for a few nesting seasons, but hasn't been as aggressive as this year.

Bird-watchers say the hawk will ease up once his brood learns to fly.

MINDLESS APE SEEN WANDERING NEW JERSEY. THIS TIME IT WASN'T THE SITUATION.

HOWELL TOWNSHIP, N.J. - A wayward baboon that apparently escaped from an amusement park and became a mini-celebrity - appearing at a golf course and being followed on Twitter - was captured Saturday after spending three days on the lam.

The animal appeared to be unharmed when it was found and tranquilized at a farm in Howell Township, in southern New Jersey. The farm isn't far from Six Flags Great Adventure's Monkey Jungle in Jackson Township, which has about 150 baboons that are part of a drive-through safari.

Park officials confirmed the capture and said they believed the animal was theirs. But they won't know for sure until it's assessed and they can see if it has a microchip that's embedded in all their baboons.

Numerous online followers tracked the baboon's travels after it initially was spotted Thursday. Many posted on a tongue-in-cheek Twitter account created by a person posing as the baboon.

Park spokeswoman Kristin Siebeneicher said the baboon, which appeared to be an adolescent, would be taken to the park for a physical exam and health assessment. She said all of Great Adventure's baboons are vaccinated, fenced in and implanted with microchips beneath their skin, but they are not counted daily because they sleep outside in the Monkey Jungle preserve.

And if it turns out that it was one of their baboons that escaped, park officials want to know how it got out because they have found no signs that an escape occurred.

Police and park officials had been looking for the baboon since Thursday afternoon, after a driver saw it near Interstate 195, not far from the park in Ocean County. A short time later, a woman reported that the baboon was sitting on her back porch.

Several sightings were then reported in nearby residential areas on Friday, and officials thought they finally had the baboon cornered in a tree at a local golf course on late Friday afternoon. But an attempt to shoot a tranquilizer dart at it failed, and it ran off into the woods.

Officials had said the baboon didn't pose a threat to residents but as a precaution warned them not to approach it if they encountered it. They believed the animal was frightened and was just trying to find its way back home.

IN OTHER PARTS OF THE COUNTRY, THIS IS NEWS

ERIE, Pa. - A Pennsylvania man took his dog out for a walk - and found a 3-foot alligator in his backyard.

The Erie Times-News reports that the homeowner discovered the alligator Friday afternoon behind his house.

An animal control officer pulled the alligator out of some bushes using a noose on the end of a pole, then held it down and taped its mouth and legs with electrical tape.

Officials suspect that someone had the alligator as a pet and released it when it became too big.

It is illegal to own an alligator in the city of Erie, officials told the paper.

WELL, AT LEAST SOMEONE IN MICHIGAN IS MAKING CARS

FLINT, Mich. - Talk about peeling out.

A Pennsylvania man cruised into Flint, Mich., this week in his giant, motorized banana and parked it on the bricks of Saginaw Street.

Some looked confused. Many snapped pictures.

Banana car owner Steve Braithwaite tells The Flint Journal he had no idea how much he was going to enjoy people laughing and smiling at him.

The Coopersburg, Pa., resident with Flint ties brought the former pickup truck back through the area, more than two years after buying the original vehicle from a junkyard in Genesee County's Argentine Township.

Braithwaite decided one day he wanted to turn a Ford F-150 into a banana and travel the world in it.

So, what he calls his "crazy desire to do something ridiculous" became a yellow-tinged reality.

'BOY, THIS 7-11 SURE IS HOMEY'

BROCKPORT, Pa. - State police have charged a man with stealing a six-pack of beer after walking through the unlocked back door of a rural central Pennsylvania residence and into the kitchen.

State police tell the Erie Times-News that they charged 44-year-old Michael Reed, of Brockport, after a witness saw him leaving the house about noon Tuesday.

Police say Reed took the six-pack of Natural Ice beer from a refrigerator in the Horton Township home. They filed the theft charge on Thursday.

Online court records don't list an attorney for Reed, whose preliminary hearing has not been scheduled.

Those same records show Reed has a history of petty offenses dating to 1998, including public drunkenness, harassment and writing bad checks.

OUGHTA SEE SOME REEEAL INTERESTING LAWS OUT OF OHIO IN THE NEXT FEW YEARS

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Ohio's Capitol building in Columbus will be a place for making laws and making drinks.

The Columbus Dispatch reports the Ohio Statehouse's first full-service bar will open next month within an existing café. The bar on the building's lower level will sell beer, wine and liquor.

The Ohio agency that oversees the Statehouse says the bar will have flat-screen televisions and will be open to the public at certain times. It also will host special events and what are described as "private happy hours."

One thing it won't allow: guns.

A new Ohio law permits some concealed weapons to be carried into bars and other places where alcohol is served. But the public is prohibited from taking firearms into the Statehouse.

DARN THESE VANDALS

CINCINNATI - Statues, parking meters and other fixtures around Cincinnati are being targeted by graffiti artists who use yarn, not spray paint.

The city has become a battleground for what's known as yarn bombing, yarnstorming and guerrilla knitting. Rogue knitters have been dressing the city in sweaters since the first International Yarn Bombing Day on June 11.

Woolly wear has appeared on Cincinnati statues of Presidents James Garfield and William Henry Harrison, among others.

WLWT-TV reports a local group of yarnstormers known as the BombShells says on its website that its goals include softening the edges of "an otherwise cruel, harsh environment" and transforming the idea of graffiti into something nondestructive and cozy.

WHY CAN'T THIS GUY BREAK INTO MY HOUSE?

VINELAND, N.J. - Authorities say a burglar offered to repair the screen that he damaged breaking into a New Jersey home after he was confronted by the homeowner and told her he meant to break into a neighbor's home.

The homeowner, Maria Cardona, tells The Press of Atlantic City that the man made her nervous as he told her about his family and kept a hand in his pocket. She says he was "really polite," but she just wanted him to leave.

Vineland police say nothing was stolen during the encounter Monday.

HUNGRY?

FOND DU LAC, Wis. - A Fond du Lac man got his hand stuck in a car's gas tank after he reached in to try to retrieve a Snicker's candy bar he saw inside.

Capt. Tony Knecht says firefighters cut the filler pipe, then accessed the backside of the gas tank opening to release Stokes' fingers. Once he was free, emergency personnel helped take the pipe off his hand. Officials stood by with a hose during the cutting in case there were sparks.

Stokes' cousin, Tyrone Williams, says Stokes happened to look into the gas tank and saw the candy bar. He says someone had removed it from the wrapper and jammed it into the gas tank.

BRUCE WILLIS MADE IT LOOK SO EASY, THOUGH

ENGLEWOOD, Colo. - A 28-year-old Colorado man was rescued dusty but alive after he was trapped nearly 15 hours in an air-conditioning vent.

Englewood police say they responded to calls for help Tuesday from the roof of an elementary school, where they discovered a man trapped 30 feet down the vent.

Firefighters had to cut open the vent to pull the man out.

The Denver Post reports that the man, who wasn't identified, told police he stole a friend's purse Monday night and threw it on the roof. When he climbed onto the roof to get the purse, he fell into the vent and became stuck.

DI-VINE INTERVENTION

KINSTON, N.C. - The Gospel of John quotes Jesus as saying "I am the true vine," and some folks in eastern North Carolina think they may have witnessed a literal demonstration.

A utility pole about a mile south of Kinston has attracted attention in the last week or so from people who say the kudzu clinging to it resembles the image of Jesus on the cross.

Kent Hardison goes by the pole every day on his way to work at Ma's Hotdog House, about a 90-minute drive east of Raleigh. His first reaction, common here when it comes to kudzu, was to blast it with Roundup herbicide. But then he had second thoughts, according to The Free Press of Kinston.

Believers have reported seeing the face of Jesus in everything from sheet metal to a grilled cheese sandwich, but the depiction of the crucifixion is a rarer phenomenon.

"I just thought it was my imagination," Hardison said. "I thought I was crazy the first time I saw it and it resembled Jesus."

Hardison and some of his customers think the vine might be an indication that God is watching over the region.

"Maybe it's a sign of the times," Michelle Davis said. "There's been a lot going on in this area." Kudzu, originally imported from Japan decades ago to help prevent soil erosion, has enjoyed such explosive growth that it's sometimes known as "the vine that ate the South." Long a problem for foresters and farmers with large plots of land, in recent years it's been moving into cities and developed areas.

Power companies spend about $1.5 million a year fixing damaged power lines caused by kudzu growth, according to Irwin Forseth Jr., a biologist at the University of Maryland.

Hardison said that regardless of whether there's any deep meaning to the vine, kudzu makes an appropriate medium for a divine message.

"It doesn't matter what you do, it is going to be around," he said. "Ain't that a lot like Jesus?"

Man steals fake marijuana using fake money, goes to real jail

SHARPSVILLE, Pa. - Police say a western Pennsylvania stole a kind of "fake" marijuana while using a fake $1 million bill.

Police in Sharpsville on Monday charged 23-year-old Joseph Lombardi with trying to "purchase" a bag of herbal potpourri called "Space Cadet Flight Risk" using the bogus bill at a Food Mart store. The Sharon Herald reports the substance is sold as incense but mimics the effect of marijuana when smoked, which is why the ersatz pot is included in a bill outlawing such substances that Gov. Tom Corbett signed into law last week. The ban takes effect in August.

Police have charged Lombardi with theft by deception and retail theft because they say he took the herbs and ran after putting the bogus bill on the counter.

Online court records don't list an attorney for Lombardi, who doesn't have a listed phone.

Talk about a bridge too far (rimshot)

SAGINAW TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A new 385-foot-long steel pedestrian bridge is too long by 2 inches, forcing officials to delay installation of the span across a Michigan river.

Saginaw County Road Commissioner Engineer Ryan P. Whiteherse tells The Saginaw News that a crew installed one segment over the Tittabawassee River in Saginaw County's Saginaw Township last week but pulled it out when it discovered the fit wasn't right.

Whiteherse says taxpayers won't foot the bill for alterations on the $688,000 project. He says the fix is covered under a construction contract.

The contract had called for the bridge linking Saginaw and Saginaw Township to the Saginaw Valley Rail Trail to be in place this week.

Now, the bridge sits in four pieces near the river, about 85 miles northwest of Detroit.