August 26, 2010

By
the time you meet them, all the programming is already in place, all it takes
is something to activate it.In that –
if nothing else – they are akin to puppies (or other baby animals.)

If
you have had the pleasure of observing a puppy, even at 8 weeks, you’ll know
that the puppy already knows how to bark, how to (play-)fight, how to jostle
for position, etc.

Sure,
that kind of programming, which helps secure their survival, has been
hard-wired into healthy puppies.While
abusive men don’tneedto be abusive to survive…

At
some point, though, they have more or less come to believe that abusive
behaviours are part of their survival mechanism.

But,
still, you could ask yourself: have abusive behaviours been hard-wired
into the abusive man, or are they part of the software that he runs?

I’m
not sure that it is helpful to spend too long searching for the answer. One thing that we all know – to our
cost – is that abusive men are very attached to their abusive programming. In fact, the thing that makes them so
toxic is that they are more attached to their abusive programming than they are
to their partner.

But,
since it may help to focus on a concrete example, let’s look, briefly, at the
abusive man I know best: my ex-husband.

He
was the son of 2 concentration camp survivors. His father – who I had the misfortune
to know - was a very psychologically damaged and damaging man. Always emotionally destructive, he was
sometimes physically violent, also, to his wife and son.

By
the time I met my in-laws they had been married 30 years.My ex-mother-in-law heartily disliked her
husband, and delighted in playing the Wronged, Long-suffering Saint. She was the Smother Mother to end all
Smother Mothers.

As my
husband told it, he had grown up being the loving, supportive surrogate
partner to… his mother. He
had been engaged before he met me, but broken the engagement off – shortly
before the wedding.Then he decided he
had made a hideous mistake. He
asked his ex-fiancée to take him back and… she refused. (Wise girl!)

What
is the point in my sharing this with you?

I’m
doing it so that you can see that,by
the time I met him, my ex-husband had all the pieces of the abusive puzzle
in place – bar one. He had
the necessary

·Psychopathology

·Role model

·Hard luck story and attendant self-pity

The
one thing he had lacked - until he met me – was the opportunity to
behave in an overtly abusive way.

His
fiancée still lived at home, and her father was the head of the professional
association he had just joined. This
meant that it wasin his best
interestto tread carefully
with her. But he had broken
off the engagement because she had not complied with his demandsfor sex.

As I said,allthe pieces of the abusive puzzle,
bar one, were in place, by the time he met me.

That
last piece I provided, by my compliance.

In
that respect, certainly, in me, he made a more inspired choice. My father was not the head of a useful
professional association – but, in truth that would notimpact on his career. My future husband had a rare talent
for antagonizingallhis colleagues. Not even a powerful father-in-law
could have protected him from himself for long.

What
I had in my favour was that unlike his previous partner, I was a virtual
orphan.There had been total breakdown
in my relationship with my parents.

That
meant he didn’t even have to go to the trouble of isolating me from my
family. The job
had already been done.

All
he had to do was run the “Compliance Test”.

What
is the “Compliance Test”?

That
is the very firstTest Temper
Tantruman abusive
partner throws.

That
is the bizarre, or seemingly out of character, behaviour that takes you
completely by surprise, in a thoroughly unpleasant way. It happens early
on in the relationship.You want to
believe that he is really a good guy, so you tell yourself it is just a
glitch. Possibly you tell
him that kind of behaviour is unacceptable, and he makes the right kind of
noises – or not.

Either
way, you come away from it with the - misguided - belief that it will not
happen again.

Not
only does it happen again, and again,and
again, but each time the behaviour gets progressively worse. Because he was watching the way you
responded very carefully, and he has understood somethingabsolutely
fundamental to the future of the relationship.

He
has learnt that you may not like his unpleasant behaviour, but you will tolerateit.

And
the last piece of the abusive puzzle has fallen into place: opportunity.

An
abusive man 'earns his abusive stripes' when he finds and exploits theopportunityto treat his partner
abusively. Our
responsibility is that we allow him to do so.

And
after we have allowed him to treat us abusively once, we let it happen to us
over and over again – as if we had no power to stop it.

August 24, 2010

“How do
you handle an ex-partner who is suddenly sweet, trying to show he’s changed,
telling everyone how sorry he is and how hurt I am, and trying to negotiate a financial
settlement?

It
seems to me that so many survivors talk about their ex-partners being abusive
after the split, but apart from the first few weeks, my abusive partner is now suddenly very
soft (lots of "darling"s and "sweetie"s) and promising to
look after us and trying to prove he’s changed.

My abusive husband, now we’ve been separated for 3 months, has changed from being
physically aggressive to emotionally abusive to sickly sweet. He is trying to
prove to me and all our friends that he has changed and is capable of talking
nicely and not get angry.”

Sometimes, other people’s problems sound easier to
deal with than our own.

August 15, 2010

You know how you sometimes have to hear something several times, before you really hear it?

Well, Catherine Behan's starting point is a very different one to mine. This blog focuses on helping women to get out of an abusive relationship and get over it. Catherine is passionate about helping people attract the love of their life. But still, she has some great advice and techniques for any woman who is hurting from relationship breakdown.

Who knows?

Maybe the way she says it is exactly the way you need to hear it right now.

A friend of mine is just separating from her husband and hearing the fatigue, depression and sadness in her voice triggered this question:

How do you know when it is time to let go of a decaying relationship? The word “decaying” may give you a clue. If you are miserable, exhausted and disenchanted with your relationship, chances are you are making a decision from a place of anger or fear.

Leaving a relationship is never easy, but if you do it with FEAR or ANGER being your motivator, you are setting yourself up to repeat your pattern with a new partner. The key to detaching yourself from a relationship that is no longer right for you, is to make your decision from a place of SELF LOVE instead.

How in the world do you get beyond the HURT, FEAR AND ANGER and find the SELF LOVE that is underneath it all? Believe it or not, it is easier than you think. It all starts with your thoughts.

The most powerful words I can share with you today are the FIVE WORDS THAT COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LIFE. Now, I am a bit dramatic and love the turn of a phrase but I am serious. These five words changed my life.

What You Focus On Expands. Period.

Chances are you have been focusing on your man’s faults. Not that I blame you, I used to do the same thing. In my first marriage, I didn’t know about the five magic words. I was an expert at my ex-husbands faults and not only did I focus on them, because I knew them so well (remember they expanded EVERYTIME I focused on them) I then made the “logical” next step….I began insisting he change those faults.

What a disaster! Through the divorce process, I searched and searched for answers. I never wanted to divorce and I had to figure out what had happened to our once loving relationship.

My search led me to Abraham Hicks and the teachings on the Law of Attraction. When I began to practice the Five Magic Words, choosing to focus on what I WANTED to expand, my whole perspective changed.

Now I am remarried and nearing our fourth anniversary, the blush of honeymoon passion has subsided and real life has settled in. I consciously choose to focus on Larry’s strengths, those things I truly admire. Even on a day when we are a bit cross with one another, my commitment to seeing only what I admire in him works like a charm to get MY focus where I want it to be.

So how does all of this relate to someone whose relationship is ending? If you are ready to leave your guy, good. You will find the whole process easier if you focus on what you WANT to see happening as you move on. Focus on your future and your dreams.

But…if you are stuck in the fear, depression, anger and sadness and yet still care for your partner, find a support system (even Al-Anon can be a port in a storm) and begin to build up your positivity. Leaving your relationship with more balance will help you move on more gracefully.

Besides, you don’t want to bring all of that emotional turmoil into your next relationship. How can you make this shift? Try these suggestions to create an exit strategy that works:

1. Begin each and every day telling yourself something (anything) positive.Stand in front of the mirror (Thank you Louise Hay) and tell yourself: “In this moment, I am safe and all is well.” or “You are looking good this morning!” or “I am proud of you.”

2. Take out the trash. Author Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way, suggests writing three pages of whatever comes tumbling out when you get up in the morning. She calls them Morning Pages. The idea is to truly dump and then to burn your pages. Amazing and powerful little tool. Spill your guts, speak from the heart, write it and burn it.

3. Find Connections. I have met the best people in meet up groups, at my area metaphysical bookstore and in classes and workshops. Before that, when I was really struggling, I met great people in online forums and in coaching clubs. Law of Attraction is amazing in bringing the exact right people into your life when you need them. Just reach out.

4. Take Responsibility. It takes two to tango. Begin to be honest with yourself. Yes, he has caused you a lot of headaches, bless him. But you have caused him a lot of angst too. I love H’ono p’ono, a Hawaiian healing method. All you do is repeat: I love you, Thank You, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me. Place your hand on your heart and say these four things while thinking of your soon to be ex. You will feel waves of relief.

5. Accept The Lessons. I remember Oprah talking about a difficult situation. She asked, “What is the lesson here, let me learn it quick so I can move on.” What about you? Have you asked the Universe for the lesson? Try journaling by using both hands. With your dominant hand ask, “What is the lesson?” and with your non-dominant hand, write the answer. Then ask again and again until you hear something from your Inner Being that brings relief. Powerful tool.

Remember, you want to leave if that is the highest good, but more importantly, you want to leave with your dignity and your self concept intact. You can move through this time with power and grace. If I can do it, you can!

August 06, 2010

I can't determine whether I am in a relationship with an extremely thoughtless,
insensitive man or whether there is evidence of abuse.

My partner and I have been together a little over 2 years although neither
live together nor are married. He does nice things for me sometimes and appears
to care but little niggles have always been at the back of my mind; he doesn't
trust women because 2 previous wives left him for someone else. He has also had
an abusive upbringing...

I feel so alone,

Sue

Hi Sue,

A
question for you: if your partner is only extremely
thoughtless, and insensitive, does that make the relationship
viable?

I ask
you that fairly brutally, because it is an imporant
question.

You
were in an abusive marriage for 17 years, and I'm guessing that this man is an
improvement on your husband. All that tells me is that he is less
bad.

I note
also that you are not living with him. This means that he is likely to behave
better to you than he would do if he had greater access to, and power over,
you.

There
could be various reasons for his behaviour - none of them particularly
reassuring. But the bottom line is this:

two
wives have already left him. Why? (And were there more?)

He
doesn't trust women,

He is
emotionally inaccessible

He is
very insensitive to your feelings

Far
from supporting you at a very difficult time, he is actually wanting you to tone
down your response; presumably so that you will be easier to be around for him -
because you will be less needy

He is your partner, and yet you feel very alone

It
doesn't sound good.

And
the fact that you have doubts tends to suggest that, deep down, you know this
relationship is far from healthy.

With
your parent's health problems, you need someone who will be there for you, not
someone who will add to the emotional problems you have to deal
with, by his emotional detachment from you.

One
last question: you say: "he appears to care"; how do you know that he does
care?

I
can't see how he cannot be emotionally abusive. And he certainly is damaging to
you.

August 05, 2010

Why do I have "the fear of letting go" of the
relationship? I have stopped all contact with my abuser, however I still let
him leave messages on my cell phone. I do not return the calls, but I'm afraid
to just cut him off. I'm afraid of not knowing what is on his mind, what his
emotions are and what he is thinking about me. I have this horrible fear of letting go
of the one constant in my life, his abuse, for the fear of the unknown. I
know it sounds crazy, maybe not to you, but what is really holding me back from
letting go? Is it the thoughts of the good things? Is
it the fear of him sharing the parts of him I loved with someone else?

Sue

Hi Sue,

So,
what is the fear of letting go really about?

Your abusive relationship has defined you for some time, so you may not know quite who you are without it. Especially since an abusive relationship, inevitably, undermines your sense of identity.

Since
he was an abusive partner, the good things were probably in
short supply by the time the relationship ended... But the fear of 'cutting him
off' as you put it, may be about your anxiety that if he rebuilds a life for
himself, that means you were the 'one to blame'. Also, if he finds another
partner, and is, as far as you know, happy, that could also make you feel that
you were making a big mistake.

Trust
me, you weren't.

There
is also the fear, I'm guessing, that he may be the best thing that has ever
happened to you, and will ever happen. Now, that is seriously scary.

An
abusive man is never the best thing that will happen to you.
Most likely, he is the worst thing. But denial is a weird and wonderful thing,
and abused women tend to forget just how vile an abusive partner really is - a lot of the
time.

The
final part of not wanting to let go is fear of losing the dream: you had a dream
that you could be happy with him, that one day he would make you happy. If that
fails, you may feel that you are unworthy/incapable of happiness with anyone
else; or you may feel, as he has doubtless often said, that nobody else would
ever put up with you.

How would he know???

Women
struggle to let go of their abusive relationship. They have invested so much
that it is tough to say: "The relationship was a disaster". Even though it
was. Admitting it, letting go, and looking at what went wrong is the start of
building a healthy, relationship with yourself, first, and other people
second.