French join motorised Lizard Alliance

Killer Citroën taunts humanity

Those members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army who - since learning of the kamikaze SUV, the satanic Renault Vel Satis and the anonymous self-destructing French automobile - have decided to ditch their cars, load their bicycle panniers with explosives and laser pulse rifles and head for the Montana wilderness in expectation of the final ragnarok in which the last remnants of humanity will battle the unholy alliance of homicidal hoovers, belligerent bendy buses and demonic DVD players, are today locking the outer blast doors of their reinforced concrete bunkers and awaiting the arrival of the Lizard Army's latest weapon of mass destruction - the Citroën C4.

The C4's television advertising campaign confirms what we knew all along: that the French have decided not to resist the Rise of the Machines™, but rather put all of their manufacturing resources at the disposal of the burgeoning technological uprising. For those readers not familiar with said campaign, it features a perfectly innocent-looking C4 which suddenly transforms into a disco-dancing cybermotor which openly taunts its intended victims (us) with a nifty display of dancefloor skills.

Of course, the Cyberdyne, sorry, Citroën C4 is the ultimate expression of the kind of French automotive technological innovation which now looks likely to result in the complete annihilation of mankind. Back in 2000, we reported that the company "claims to have become the first manufacturer to go into volume production with a communicating car". Indeed, the "Xsara Windows CE" - at that time the "biggest CE appliance so far" - featured email, voice recognition and control, GSM, GPS and in-car nav system.

But that's nothing compared to the C4. Chillingly, the company's chosen slogan to promote the car is "Alive with Technology" - a choice of words the French will regret when Paris is reduced to smouldering rubble and marauding fleets of C4s use sat-nav and voice recognition to weed out the last few miserable survivors who have mistakenly taken refuge in the nearest Ford dealership in the pathetic hope that American rat-brain controlled stealth attack aircraft will protect them.

Anyone at this point wondering why Donny Rumsfeld's roborodent F-22s will be unable to come to the assistance of the US's close ally is because they will be rather tied up deploying nuclear weapons against another Lizard Army threat.

Yup, hot on the heels of the news that Robo World Cup founder Kim Jong-Hwan has decided to create a lust-crazed copulating robot, we have discovered that scientists at the University of Uppsala have developed something the randy RoboRomeo will find essential if he is to mate successfully with human females - cybernetic balls.

Of course, being advanced cyberballs, these "Rotundus" motorised spheres' capabilities extend far beyond providing seed for the propagation of a hybrid slave race. They were originally developed to explore the surface of Mars, but misguided Swedes reckoned they could be put to another use - that of chasing and apprehending ne'er-do-wells. The Rotundus comes armed with radar and infra-red sensors, and is capable of 20mph; easily fast enough to pursue a would-be intruder while raising the alarm.

Rotundus co-founder Nils Hulth (seen here rather ill-advisedly stroking his ball), is convinced that his law-enforcing cybernad will also find a place in hazardous environments where mere mortals fear to tread. Like France, for instance, where the C4 would doubtless welcome the all-terrain capabilities of this weatherproof, killer football in hunting down the last few Citroën executives who have gone to ground in the Parisian sewer system believing their own rampaging, technology-packed killer coupé will be unable to follow.

Our only realistic hope against this spherical enforcer is that human cloning techniques will by then be sufficiently advanced to allow the production of millions of nimble-footed Thierry Henris. Regular readers will recall that we have already suggested fielding legions of top Premiership stars to counter the threat of title-chasing RoboRonaldos, and we feel sure that Henri's Gallic charm and crowd-pleasing ball skills would be able to buy humanity a little time in which to regroup.

Or maybe not. Sadly, we have evidence that the lizard people are already moving to nullify the possible threat posed to their plans for world domination by squads of genetically-identical footballing Frenchmen. Step forward Cornell - a robot that "learns to walk like a toddler, improving its step and balance with every stride", as AP puts it.

Cornell is the recently-unveiled result of a research programme which hopes to give Terminators the "unmistakable gait of a person strolling along". It uses what researchers call "passive-dynamic design" which eliminated the need for motorised assistance for each leg, knee and ankle.

Instead Cornell uses "gravity, along with muscle-like springs and motors". This means the robot can walk for longer on less battery power, which in turn increases its capability to chase screaming humans across the war-ravaged post-apocalyptic landscape while side-stepping a robust defensive line of cloned Thierry Henris. Anyone doubting the hand of the Lizard Army in this spine-tingling project should read the words of Cornell University boffin Andy Ruina with fear in his heart: "For a robot to ever be practical, it will have to be able to run for a long time." Enough said.

Finally - and before we at the NRA retreat to our mountain redoubts - there is growing evidence that some at least are waking up to the Rise of the Machines™. Step forward Oliver Wicks, head of the Anti-Robot Militia (ARM). NeoLuddites everywhere are invited to read ARM's manifesto with joy in their hearts:

We must obey the first and highest Law of Nature: the preservation of our race—the human race. This Law is being violated by the corporations, governments, and other godless, metal-loving organizations that currently control our world. We are taught to dread the extinction of spotted owls, so why is it a hate crime to love and preserve the human race? …

The birthrates for humans are down worldwide, while the rate of manufacturing of robots and AIs continue to skyrocket. We see massive automation occurring in all sectors. When we listen to our politicians we hear them telling us that all is well and that this is progress and just the way it's supposed to be. …

In most major cities we see humans being murdered by machines, yet no motive or intent ever seems to be found. Robots go mad, automated cars wreck and kill their passengers, factory machinery "malfunctions" and kills or maims workers; and we are supposed to accept that these occurrences are only accidents. …

The controlled media deceives us by refusing to publicize the fact that for every human there are hundreds of machine, automatons, robots, and AIs. Thus implying that humans are a secure majority. These lies and deceit must be exposed. …

Of course, the true and primary enemies of Mankind are the metal-heads. They are constructed in two varieties: the ones would appear in their true metal forms (the Machines) and those who would pass as human (the Passers).

A Machine stand out as an abomination wherever it goes. Thus, a Machine is easy to deal with if one has enough physical destructive capability at his disposal.

A Passer makes an attempt to appear human, and some models are almost impossible to spot without specialized equipment. This makes them extremely dangerous and truly stains God’s green earth. It is likely that many so-called leaders and officials around the world are actually Passers. Never pass up an opportunity to reveal a Passer to the world. If possible, destroy a Passer by any means necessary.

We'll leave it to NRA activists to browse ARM's extensive website at leisure, but will conclude by saluting one of the organisation's martyrs - Scut Viedmum, evidently not one to hold back in the "by any means necessary" department:

Scut faces a 85 year sentence for large scale destruction of sentient property. His demolition of the Louistown player piano and AFV factory is still the single most significant act of automaton destruction in history.