Fighting the 40-Year Itch of Marriage

7 warning signs that could signal potential problems

On a typical Saturday night, Diane Di Mauro and her husband, Antonio Burr, might visit a museum in Manhattan, then have dinner. But instead of chatting, they’ll often have long intervals of silence at the table. Ditto on the drive home. In fact, Di Mauro and Burr can spend all day together and barely speak. They’ve been a couple for 30 years. Are they in trouble?

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As a relationships researcher for 38 years, I’ve learned there are two kinds of silence in a marriage. One is the frosty silence of people who have checked out of each other’s lives. The other, like Di Mauro and Burr’s, is more companionable: Partners are on the same wavelength, sharing thoughts via glances and gestures.

In a world where seemingly stable and happy 40-year marriages collapse without warning, we may wonder about the structural integrity of our own partnerships. Is your marriage on solid ground? Here are seven potential warning signs—and when they are really cause for concern.

1. Your partner asks for space

What it usually means: Over time, couples often go from visiting the mailbox together to pursuing hobbies—or even vacationing—separately. That’s okay: Time apart creates room to miss each other and bring new experiences to the relationship.

When to worry: If your spouse no longer seems to enjoy your company, or gets angry or dismissive when you suggest time together, there could be something else going on, such as an affair or serious depression.

2. You fantasize about others

What it usually means: Thinking about sexy people is the most ordinary thing in the world. As the old saw goes, you’re married, not dead.

When to worry: If you can’t become physically aroused without pretending you’re with a particular person, there’s something more serious at work. What to do? You don’t need to tell your spouse you are craving someone else, but you can say you don’t feel fully connected and you want to talk through what might be blocking your ability to relate.

3. Your partner is starting to gross you out

What it usually means: When you share space year after year, you’re going to see your spouse do some unlovely things—and vice versa.

When to worry: If you stay angry long after the offensive behavior occurs, you need to find out why it bothers you so much. With discussion you may realize you’re angry about something entirely different.