Time to hand out the first date curse! This girl never wins, right? The honor went to Claire, a 32 year-old hairstylist from California who likes the game Clue and whose favorite snack is fruit. That tells me literally everything I need to know about her. (For the record, the correct answer would have been “Scrabble” and “chips”.)

Claire was blindfolded (because, 50 Shades) and whisked off to a frozen hell. Or if you’re from California, a “winter wonderland”. But I’m in Canada in January and I think it looks miserable.

Claire has a dead dad, which in terms of Sad Thing To Bring Up On First Date is a pretty good card to play. Definitely better than like, someone who talks about getting dumped recently – on The Bachelor, hard breakup stories are bringing a knife to a gun fight. You need a dead relative (immediate, not extended), a scary disease, or an alcoholic parent.

The date ended with a private concert, which is the only thing I hate more than when they jump off something high and compare it to a human relationship. And of all the terrible private concerts, this was the worst one – dancing, barefoot in the snow, to music played by a guy that for all I know could be one of the troubadours from Gilmore Girls and nothing more.

Date #2 – Kat

The second date went to Kat, a 29 year-old medical sales rep who tried to salsa dance with Juan Pablo when they met and has literally no interesting factoids listed in her bio.

Juan Pablo and Kat jumped in a plane, and Kat wondered if maybe they were going to New York City – which is, she says “romantic, and private, just the two of us”. Has Kat ever been to New York? Has she ever watched a sitcom?

Juan Pablo and Kat dressed in neon clothes and went to an “electric run” in Utah (or something) which, I’ll admit, looked like one of the coolest things ever. It’s 5k of like, glow in the dark dancing. I WAS BORN TO WIN THIS RUN. Are there cocktails? It was in Salt Lake City so probs not. There should be cocktails at the finish line though.

(For the record though, getting up on stage and dancing is my worst nightmare.)

Date #3 – Group Date!

The first group date is always horribly obnoxious, but this time we knew it would be extra special thanks to the teasers of some chick’s insane breakdown. This is never so much a “date” as it is an embarrassing activity like modeling, acting, singing or poetry writing. This time, everyone was posing with puppies. And Juan Pablo.

OK FINE THAT SOUNDS AMAZING.

I was hoping the girl who listed her profression as “dog lover” would miss out on this group date because it would be funny, but that’s Kelly and she was there.

On America’s Next Top Model, there’s always one girl who struggles with nude photoshoots. And fair enough, y’know? So like, OF COURSE maybe one of these regular women with professions that AREN’T modeling would feel a tad uncomfortable taking her clothes off – even for the good cause of adopting adorable puppies. Andi, a 26 year-old district attorney, was understandably hesitant to take off her clothes.

Elise, a first grade teacher, also really didn’t want to take her clothes off. Because of course. But this girl is brilliant – she swapped outfits with Lucy, who’d been hanging around the pool topless the night before. She got to be a fire hydrant instead. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

I hated how when Andi talked to Juan Pablo, it was all about her nerves and not like “Hey dude, I’m a lawyer and can’t just take my clothes off in a photo.” Instead, she got all moony-eyed when he said he’d strip with her and decided she’d go ahead and do it. Sigh. Girl, go put your one-piece bathing suit on. (Also guys? I think it’s weird to be naked around animals. It just is.)

During the cocktail party, Cassandra told Juan Pablo that she has a two year-old son. Do we think this girl has potential to stick around? She’s super pretty and I think Juan Pablo likes her, but she’s only 21 years old. That’s. Young.

I like Renee, another mom. She seems very laid back and actually showed a sense of humor in her confessional videos.

The drama came with Victoria, a 24 year-old legal assistant who magically became hammered off of “one glass of champagne”. “This is how I am sober!” she insisted. And she said she can’t wait to straddle Juan Pablo, because “that’s what life is all about. Straddling people.”

Victoria drunkenly wandered around, saw Juan Pablo talking to another woman, and then ran into the bathroom to cry. Renee had to crawl under the door to comfort her. I would’ve just thrown some tissues at her and backed away.

Like every drunk hot mess ever, Victoria tried to leave without her shoes on. A guy from Mumford and Sons kept trying to tell her that she needed shoes, a taxi and a flight to leave, but Victoria was NOT having that. She would not wait! (That’s a Mumford and Sons joke. Did you get it?)

Victoria went back to the bathroom, and Juan Pablo tried to talk to her. I would’ve been talking to Mumford and Sons instead, finding out how that taxi situation was coming along.

Juan Pablo gave Kelly The Dog Lover the date rose. What? Did we see her literally at all during the date? I assume this was just because she loves dogs and it was a dog date.

The Hangover

After her drunken mess of a night, Victoria was taken to a hotel instead of back to the house. Juan Pablo went to visit her, and she said “I might have overreacted a little. I guess I should apologize…for setting off the crazy train. Welcome to Brazil!” So, that group date is definitely not Victoria’s most embarrassing drunk story. That much is clear.

“It’s no one’s fault but my own. Maybe I did drink to much…I probably could have been more adult about it and handled it better.”

Yep. That’s a 24 year-old talking. This person is not stepmother material! Juan Pablo told her that he’s 32 and has a daughter, but “thanks for coming”. Victoria didn’t need to stick around for the rose ceremony. Well played, Juan Pablo!

The Rose Ceremony

So, we all hate Amy the Reporter, right? That mock interview was the worst idea ever.

The Fancy Canadian was feeling bad about how rude she was when Juan Pablo gave her the First Impression Rose, and her apology was so genuine that I thought it was rather nice.

Cassandra cried over whether sticking around was worth being away from her son, and both Renee and Juan Pablo convinced her to stay.

There are still a lot of women who I feel like we’ve never seen before, ever. Like where did Danielle come from? In addition to Drunk Victoria, Amy the Weird Reporter and Chantel (who seemed nice) went home.

2 Responses to The Bachelor – The Dog Dates Are Over, The Dog Dates Are Done

I don’t really have any interest in ever watching the Bachelor, but your recap was a funny and entertaining read. As a resident of the Golden State, I can confirm that snowy scenery is much more appealing if you don’t have to live in it because you can always go home to warm weather.

Yeah, Danielle was unrecognizable after her one on one date with the flat iron! And, I know I’m old and all, but can somebody please explain what the “hymen maneuver” is !?! I almost snarfed my Crystal Light on that one.