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“I know you had two negative urines, but before we proceed, we should have a blood test done” said the doctor, while making his little chicken scratches all over the lab requisition.

“results to patient” he wrote on the top of the page, in big bold letters. He even included a ” +/ -” underneath. “I don’t want you to have to come back here”, he said.

I cheated, and rather than wait in line at a lab, I had the lab tech at work take my blood sample while she was doing her rounds. After taking the sample, she handed me a piece of paper with a phone number and a pin code, and gave me the explicit instructions to call this number after 2 pm the following day. (today)

I called during my coffee break today, at about 2:05. gave her the pin… and THIS is the conversation I had.

Lab lady: … the result of your pregnancy test is… less than five. (I should note that she said “less than five” in a whisper, and all slow, as if I were two.)
Me: **Pause**
Lab lady: **clears throat**… Less than five.
Me: Okaaaaaay… but what does that mean?
LL: Your doctor will give you the result.
Me: but he ordered that the results be released to me?
LL: Your result is less than five.
Me: Less than five WHAT? Weeks pregnant??? Embryos???
LL: Your doctor will give you the result.

Frustrated, I hung up the phone and pulled out my handy-dandy Diagnositc and Laboratory Test Reference Book. Like hell I’m going to wait in a crowded waiting room during flu season to see a doctor who told me that I don’t have to come back.