Inner Monologue of a First-Time Stoner

We go inside the head of a first time smoker.

by Slava P. Oct 13th, 2011

Every time a group of men under the age of 25 gathers for long periods of time, you can bet your last two cents that one of them (probably you) will be smoking weed. Whether it’s a road trip, a concert, or a day spent playing NBA 2K12, someone is eventually going to bust out the green.

the worst skull-f**ks he could ever imagine.

The following is exactly what’s going through his mind as he smokes weed for the first time.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna go through with this, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. You only live once, right?

Huh, I thought it would look more like those leaves I’ve seen on Dr. Dre albums; this stuff just looks like little nuggets. It looks like plant shit. Okay so how does this work? I just suck until I get it all in my throat? Haha…that’s what she said. Make a note to tell that to the guys.

They don’t seem amused by my witty observations, their loss. Alright so I just light it and suck….

HOLY SHIT!!! That tastes like ass. Seriously guys, that actually may be the most foul thing I’ve inhaled since I visited my grandpa. I’m choking!! Why can’t I stop coughing? Is it possible to actually cough up a lung? This shit has been nothing but trouble, I don’t see the appeal… and why is everyone laughing at me…

Okay so is this it? Am I high? I feel the exact same, nothing’s spinning, no hallucinations. Maybe I’m just immune to it, like some kind of weird superhero. Did I just refer to myself as a superhero? Maybe I’m high, but I feel don’t any different. Wait what the f**k, did I just mix up ‘feel’ and ‘don’t’ in my mind? Ask if someone heard you. Dammit of course not, it was in my mind. Damn you, mind.

I’m looking at my hands and honestly I can’t tell what all the fuss is about, they’re just hands, with little fingers. Why would anyone trip out to something so simple? Now nails…nails are trippy shit; it’s like finger armor. Holy shit look at that stucco ceiling, it’s got like faces in it. Look, there’s Zeus right by the corner. Right there! Shit I lost him, maybe if I squint…

I should say something, I’ve been quiet for like 20 minutes looking at this ceiling.

‘Woah dude, I’m high.’

Seriously, that’s the best you could do? Who are you, Keanu Reeves? ‘Woah dude’? Step your game up! Now everyone’s laughing at you again. I’m hungry. Was I hungry before or am I hungry because of the weed? Is this the munchies thing that everyone talks about? What was the last thing I ate? …Cereal I think…. Was that breakfast or lunch? Shit.

Okay well let’s take a walk to see what this guy has in his kitchen. Holy shit, this all looks fantastic. Why do I have a craving for everything? Nacho cheese, I love that stuff, I should make nachos! Let’s open this bag up. This bag is so smooth, what is this, plastic or foil? I bet if they made a field out of this stuff they could play some insane sports on it. Friction-ball!?! Note to self, don’t forget about friction-ball, could be a cash cow. Okay the nachos are in the bowl, step one complete. I should try one just to make sure that they’re good. Wow, how can something so simple taste so good? It’s like salty AND crunchy and…textured?

Why is my mouth dry? Oh my God, I’m overdosing. I knew drugs were a bad idea, I need a doctor! Okay calm down, you’re being a pussy, just drink some water. You’re not overdosing just listen to your heart beat. My heart is like beating to like…a rhythm. I can hear my own heart beat.

Is that normal?!

Just chill out and lean on something.

I’ve been leaning on this kitchen counter for like 5 minutes, the nachos are starting to mock me from the bowl. F**k those nachos, they don’t even need cheese, I’ll just eat them raw. WAIT! Why haven’t I ever seen this before, raw nachos are just chips! Note to self: tell everyone you know about the nacho fraud. I should see what everyone else is doing, maybe they want some nachos. F**k, I meant chips.

Call of Duty, huh? I guess I’ll just watch for a bit.

Jesus Javier Christ this is sweet. SHOOT HIM, oh f**k that was close, good call. This is friggen awesome, was it always this sweet or is the weed making it better?

I really think weed makes me smarter, I just talked in-depth to that guy about how Iron Man could totally beat up Batman in a fight. I mean what chance does Bruce Wayne stand against repulsor rays? It’s like my mind has been opened up to a new realm of thought.

What the f**k, no he couldn’t. Batman could just f**k up Stark by playing mind games with him and driving him to alcoholism. Damn you, marijuana. Should I apologize to the guy and admit that I was wrong? F**k that, Batman wouldn’t do that.

Oh shit, where’s everyone going? Oh, we’re going to go buy more weed? What’s the etiquette here, do I give them money or do I just sit still and hope they leave without me so I can look at this goddamn ceiling some more?

Okay they’re gone, it’s just me and some other guy who looks like Charles Manson. I didn’t think this through. No, dude, I don’t want to play COD, knock yourself out. Wow, looks like he took that personally. Maybe I’ll just go lay down in the guest room. I’m so tired, this stuff is exhausting.

Note to self: smoke more weed.”

You can find more of my work at my site Salva P or on Twitter at @SalvaP.