Another seven days of spying, cheating and illegal touching

WEDNESDAY AUG. 6
A couple of anti-violence groups found out last week that one of their higher-ups doesn't even care about stopping gun violence and sells their anti-gun plans to the National Rifle Association. According to the liberal investigative magazine Mother Jones, 62-year-old Mary Lou McFate -- an unpaid board member of anti-violence organization CeaseFirePA -- was selling the NRA insider information like what high schools they were going to give free lectures to and which Senators were closeted left-wing pussies. Anti-violence activists were reportedly shocked by the news and said it's just another example of the NRA leaders thinking that life is really like action movies.

THURSDAY AUG. 7
Sheriff Richard K. Jones welcomed Sen. John McCain to Hamilton today with an ad in The Enquirer that read: "Senator McCain: Why haven't we heard from you on immigration??? Are you avoiding this American issue???" Jones, who is pissed off that McCain and a bunch of Democrats were going to give amnesty to all the illegals who have moved here and begun new lives for themselves in America, said the ad was meant to draw attention to the issue of immigration and not necessarily to hurt McCain's standing among the largely Republican Butler County community, although he admitted that using six question marks was supposed to demonstrate the seriousness and relevance of his inquiry.

FRIDAY AUG. 8
Former vice presidential candidate and current Democratic endorser John Edwards admitted today to cheating on his wife with a campaign staffer back when he was campaigning for the Democratic presidential nomination. At the time, Edwards called the rumor of his infidelity "tabloid trash," but it turns out that The National Enquirer was right on that one, as Edwards admitted that he already told his wife about the affair and they have dealt with the matter personally.

The incident is part of a number of recently publicized extramarital affairs and affinities for prostitution by public officials, who no longer benefit from the privatized world of cheating that their forefathers in government enjoyed.

SATURDAY AUG. 9
With most of the world's leaders busy watching sports in China, Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili thought his small Eastern European country had the head start it needed to take over South Ossetia and then defend it from Russia.

Saakashvili was wrong, though, as Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a break from watching a fencing contest, ordered Georgia to be beaten down and made it back to his seat in time to catch volleyball. President Bush reacted emotionally when he heard the news of Russia's fierce counterattack on Georgia, saying, "Goddammit... Shit... Dangit... How many are dead? Is Tennessee OK? I guess we can forget about Florida. Tell Alabama to help out Georgia. Fuck, man, can I still watch the basketball game tonight?"

SUNDAY AUG. 10
Enthusiasts of paying women to get naked and swing their boobs around were disappointed to find out today that a federal judge refused to deny last year's law that restricts dancers' stripping style and hours of operation. The AP reported that U.S. District Judge Solomon Oliver Jr. said the law, which prohibits the naked dancers from touching customers and forces strip clubs and porn shops to close at midnight, is "a reasonable regulation on the time, place and manner in which plaintiffs may exercise their First Amendment rights." Representatives of the dancers, who claim to not be hos just because they dance the go-go, say they're not even into touching patrons but that it's important to get close enough to a lonely man's ear to tell him that they like him for real so he keeps coming back.

MONDAY AUG. 11
Local strippers aren't the only people having their touching privileges revoked these days, as the Catholic Archdiocese last week unveiled its new guidelines for appropriate touching of children. The Enquirerreported today that the Archdiocese's new "Decree on Child Protection" (known as "Why Bible Camp Totally Sucks Now" among the higher-ups) includes a lengthy and quite specific list of what physical affection is appropriate (handshakes, pats on the back, high-fives and side hugs) and what sort of isn't (bear hugs, lengthy embraces, lap-sitting, tickling and piggy-back rides). Church officials say the lists should eliminate even the most borderline of situations and that it wasn't at all awkward to debate whether it's OK to give children piggy back rides.

TUESDAY AUG. 12
The latest statistics out of the Hamilton County Justice Center suggest that maybe we don't even really need a new jail. According to The Enquirer, the number of inmates being released early is actually down 83 percent and the number of people going free right after booking due to space constraints is down 22 percent. Chris Finney, who led a group against the jail tax last year, used a pudding metaphor to demonstrate how the statistics prove he was right. "The proof is in the pudding," Finney said, meaning if empty jail beds were a sweet, creamy dessert and Commissioners Todd Portune and David Pepper ate them they would find them delicious and they'd have to stop imposing taxes without voter consent.