Family Ties - When to Let Go

It is often challenging to make the decision to let go of abusive family relationships. This article is about when to make that decision.

Ruth consulted with me because she was confused about what to do
regarding her mother, her brother, and her son.

From the time Ruth was born, she never felt like she belonged in
her family. Her mother ignored Ruth, obviously preferring her
brother, and consistently allowed her brother to beat up Ruth. Ruth
had some connection with her father, but he was a weak man and never
stood up for her or protected her.

Ruth was a loving child and tried in any way she could to please
her mother and brother, to no avail. She could never understand why
her family didn't like her.

As an adult, she married an emotionally unavailable man, a man
very much like her mother. As with her mother and brother, she tried
in many ways to get his love and never succeeded. Her son, Dylan, was
eight years old when they divorced.

Dylan always seemed to prefer his father, and finally went to live
with his father when he was sixteen. Once again, Ruth was completely
in the dark regarding why her son didn't like her. She had been such
a devoted mother, so why was he rejecting her?

Ruth finally married again, this time to a loving man, and had
another child. Her current family was totally different from her
previous family and from her family of origin. However, she still
hoped to have a relationship with her mother. She would send her
mother birthday and Christmas cards, but rarely heard from her. The
final blow that sent her to seek my help came when she found out that
her son had gotten married without telling her, and that her brother
had moved her mother into a nursing home and sold everything without
telling her.

Ruth was a shining light of love. Her eyes, her smile, her
gestures all radiated love and compassion. Her deeply gentle and
peaceful nature was evident at first glance.

"Why? Why don't they like me?" she asked.

"Because you are a giver and they are takers," I told her. 'Givers
care about others, while takers just want to take from others. You
can never give enough to a taker to receive any caring back, because
they don't like themselves. They reject themselves and try to get
others to give to them. Because they have emotionally abandoned
themselves, they are angry at others for not giving enough to them.
Your mother and brother were united in their taking from you, as were
your first husband and son. They look at you and see a fountain of
love coming from you and they want it, but they are incapable of
receiving it. Your light contrasts with their darkness and they hate
you for it."

"But what can I do?"

"Nothing, other than not be around them. They will suck the life
out of you if you allow them to spend time with you. I know you care
about them, but they are incapable of caring about themselves or you,
so you have to let them go. It is not in your highest good to be with
people who are incapable of valuing you - who just want to take from
you."

"But can't I help them?"

"No, because they are not asking for help. I know you have
believed that if you just love them enough, they will heal and love
you back, but this will never happen because they are not open to
your love. They feel inadequate in the face of your open heart and
their closed hearts, and they take their self-judgment out on you.
There is nothing you can to do to help them open their hearts. Only
they can do that. It is unlikely your mother or brother will ever
open their hearts, but perhaps your son will in time. He will come to
you if he does."

"But I have such a great life now. Isn't it selfish of me to just
let them go?"

"No, it is self-responsible. It is not loving to yourself to be
around people who treat you badly."

Ruth understood. She felt sad, but relieved. She finally saw that
all she could do was pray for them to open their hearts.