Memo From Management

Destroyer of Eardrums!!!

TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director Of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

I became an expert in handling S.H.I.T, and I am not talking about the Rabbit dropping type of S.H.I.T. rather I am talking about full well fed Elephant sized S.H.I.T.

S.H.I.T may happen, but it has to be handled, and I am not talking about pushing it around with a long stick, I am talking about rolling your sleeves up and getting stuck into the S.H.I.T.

As I have stated S.H.I.T has to be managed, if S.H.I.T is not managed it slides downhill to the poor sods who have to wallow in S.H.I.T. just to survive.

I became aware of the volume of S.H.I.T. pretty quickly after I took up the position of Head of Freaking Everyones Pile of S.H.I.T. that I started an Uphill S.H.I.T. Pushing training programme and once the staff became aware of the Uphill S.H.I.T. Pushing Programme they, as one, signed up for the Uphill S.H.I.T. Pushing Programme with more enthusiasm than a guy who has just won the Lotto.

The Uphill S.H.I.T Pushing Programme worked well and once the Boardroom was full of the S.H.I.T. returned there, which I hasten to add included all the additional S.H.I.T. that had been added to the original S.H.I.T. that had begun the downhill slide and this bonus duly applied to the returning S.H.I.T. had the effect of more PA staff being required to handle the Directors own S.H.I.T which by now was overpowering them.

This was good news for the staff of lower grades as the prospect of a vast increase in pay was now available if they were prepared to manage even more S.H.I.T. The staff advancement programme was started
( S.A.D. S.H.I.T. ) to train newcomers to the Company in how best to handle the S.H.I.T. and it was so popular that the nearby University became aware of our activities and they developed a Degree in S.H.I.T. Management and the first Graduate was so keen on S.H.I.T. that they went on to become Doctor S.H.I.T. for which I am so proud as from my little Acorn and whole forest has grown.

The good part of all this S.H.I.T. management was that the staff within the Company were so grateful to me for introducing the Uphill S.H.I.T. Pushing Programme that they collectively made sure that no S.H.I.T. landed on my desk again.

So I retired from my Head of position S.H.I.T. free, but not out of the S.H.I.T. completely as I now go on the very well paid lecture circuits where my expertise in handling S.H.I.T. is partly passed on to the adoring paying audience, I only give them enough S.H.I.T. to be able to survive for if I gave them all the S.H.I.T. they would not come back for repeat lectures. Hence the truth is that my lectures are not completely S.H.I.T. free since I and talking nothing but S.H.I.T.