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About Me

Ah, you don't really want to know, do you? You do? Gosh, how flattering. Well, I'm me, obviously. I'm a writer, baker of inedible cakes, mother of an indeterminate number of children (they keep moving, it's hard to count), dog owner, cat slave. Occupier of a crumbly old place in the crumbly old countryside in Yorkshire. And merciless self-publicist.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Vampires. Yes, honestly, vampires. And news about my next book. And liver flukes, but you can avert your eyes for that bit.

Now, those of you of a sensitive disposition (and there must be one of you, at least, you can't all be snorty killers and laughers at Bambi) may wish to look away now, for I want to talk to you about a subject currently close to my heart.

Vampires.

Yep, I've been very busy on the vampire front lately - and no, being busy on the vampire front does not mean licking the chest of the bloke that played that twinkly thing in those films about an oppressed schoolgirl and her really really old boyfriend. Sadly. No. My busyness had been all part of my new novel (due out this Summer, vampire fans!) which is....(drum roll. No, that wasn't a drum roll, that was my stomach rumbling, here it comes....brrrrrrdddrrrrrrr)... about vampires!

But vampires as you've probably never considered them before. Unless you have. My vampires are humans which have been infected with a demon, in a kind of parasitic way. Yes, like liver fluke. Or fleas. Only bigger. Unless it is a really BIG liver fluke.

Like this.

Which means that my vampires can go out in the daylight and all the things that a person can do, because just being infected doesn't stop all the normal human processes. Even sheep with liver flukes can still see themselves in mirrors, you know. They might not know what they were looking at, but they could still do it. If they wanted to.

But, like most parasites, the demons confer some advantages on to their hosts. So my vampires live a long time, are strong and fast and very well dressed. So, in that respect, not much like liver flukes, because being infected with liver fluke rarely causes sheep (for example) to wish to dash into Prada and buy an impeccable suit.

This is as close as they get. Sheep have no innate style, you see. Although, to be fair, this sheep probably doesn't have a liver fluke and therefore believes itself to be well dressed.

So. My vampires are stylish, good looking, strong, fast and only a little bit given to posing. And my hero is a vampire. My heroine isn't. And, because neither is she an oppressed schoolgirl given to lusting after sparkly lunatics who are going to outlive her by a factor of ten, she regards vampires with deep suspicion and rather a large helping of sneer at their desire to wear designer suits all the time. Unlike Buffy, she doesn't necessarily want to kill them, but she is prepared to punch them quite hard if they come over all fangy in her presence.

So, now I've whet your appetites, I have to go off and lick another ches...I mean, get busy on the vampire front again.

It's fine for them to be well-dressed as long as they don't fuss over their waistcoats. Then they become Anne Rice vampires and are thus every bit as threatening as a slightly vexed greengrocer. Note my inclusion of the term greengrocer.

Stylish, strong, fast heroes - yes, but enough with the liver flukes already. That photo is gross and brings back some less than happy memories of zoology A level which was great, apart from the parasites (dog fish dissection anyone?).

I'm glad so many of you are bursting for vampires... in a manner of speaking. And what's so terrible about liver flukes, girls? They have a *fascinating* life cycle from which we could all learn a thing or two. Mainly how to infect sheep, but we'd still learn...