Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Spot", or "Blackie", or "Fido". I call mine Sexton. Over the years that got shortened to "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said he'd like one too. Then I said this is for a dog, and he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said you don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old. He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, and when I checked into my hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room was a special room for Sex. I said you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night, and he said me too.

One day I entered a contest, but before the contest began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around, and I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. I said you don't undersand, I had hopes of having Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, and I said your honor, I had Sex before I was married, and the judge said me too. Then I told him after I got married Sex left me, and he said me too. Last night Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at four o'clock in the morning. I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up next Friday.

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Originally Posted by Blitzen

When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

A young lady is going to show her pet dog at Crufts. Owing to the strict guidelines of how the particular breed must look, it was going to take some time to groom & shave him in the correct fashion. To speed things up she decided to go & get some hair removal cream from the chemist. She reasoned that if it was safe for humans, it would be safe for her pet dog.

She walks into the chemist & asks for the largest tube of Veet they have.

"Is it for your legs dear?" asks the chemist, "Because if so I'd advise not to go out in the sun for a few days after, as it could cause bleaching of the skin"

"No, it's not for my legs" replied the woman.

"Well if it's for your underarms I'd advise not using antiperspirant for a couple of days, as it may cause stinging & irritation" said the chemist.

"No, it's not for my underarms" replied the woman.

"Well as you don't seem to be unduly cursed with facial hair, may I inquire as to it's use, seeing as you want so much of it...?" the chemist asked.

"oh," said the woman, "It's for my Schnauzer".

"Fair enough", said the chemist, "I'd just avoid vigorous sex & riding a bike for a few days"

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Originally Posted by Blitzen

When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not bloomin' listening'

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you idiot'. He replied casually,
'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your bum but you said, 'Get lost it'll be too painful'.

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off andwalks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and buggers off.

If the following is deemed inappropriate, I apologise and will remove it. For now, highlight to read.

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders kids?

No?

Neither has he.

Tommy Cooper specials:

News flash!! A two seater cesna plane crashed last night in a grave yeard in northern ireland... rescue workers have found 12 bodies so far and more are expected to be found as digging continues into the night.