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Impress your friends and startle your enemies with a never-ending* series of incredible facts, figures and news reports, all of which are COMPLETELY UNTRUE! Why waste time on the truth when complete rubbish is so much more interesting?

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Credit where Credit is Due

With thanks and credit to Monty Python and The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies (p.74, The Brand New Monty Python Bok), which amused me immensely as a teenager and eventually helped inspire the site you are reading now. Not an ENTIRELY wasted youth then.

Posts Tagged ‘Death’

In 1987, Rainbow presenter Geoffrey snapped during a live TV broadcast, and bludgeoned his co-stars Zippy, George and Bungle, as well as platinum-selling musical combo Rod, Jane and Freddie, before finally turning the hammer on himself. No reason has ever been given for the killings, which remained Britain’s worst children’s TV-related murder incident until the infamous Tinky Winky massacre ten years later.

The longest novel ever written is Guy N. Smith’s Night of the Crabs, which was first published in 1976 at 7,659 pages long. While hailed as a literary masterpiece, the novel’s dense language, intricate plot twists and relentless levels of sex and violence (one death scene runs for over three hundred pages) proved too much for many readers.
Smith later relented, and produced a shorter version of the book for more simple-minded readers, and this became a standard text for schools in the 1980s.

The worst massacre in the bloody history of children’s television came in 1997, when Teletubby Tinky Winky went on a PCP-fuelled rampage, killing six and injuring dozens more.

The masscare began when it was announced that the Teletubbies TV series was to be cancelled. Tinky Winky, who in addition to having a serious cocaine habit was known as a ‘gun nut’ and loose cannon, began to panic about how he would pay for his expensive lifestyle and huge gambling debts, believing that the successful series had effectively typecast him.

After a day of drinking and drug-taking, the deranged Tubby entered the BBC’s headquarters and opened fire at random. Ironically, among those killed was the now-retired Andy Pandy, who was at the studios to be interviewed for an episode of World’s Greatest Wooden Puppets, and who was one of Tinky Winky’s idols.

Eventually, after a five hour standoff with police, Tinky Winky took his own life. The case later led to new government legislation that banned furry children’s TV characters from owning handguns.

The lethal fruit is favoured by Brazilian street gangs who use it to stab their victims, and its use has recently begun to spread across the world. The banana is popular not only for its lethal sharp ends and ergonomic nature, but also because eating the banana often destroys all evidence of a crime, while the slippery skin can be used to slow down persuading law-enforcement officers.

Several attempts have been made to outlaw the sale of bananas, but only in Britain – where the fruit is illegal to sell to under 18’s and where the carrying of concealed bananas can result in three years in prison – has this been at all successful, thanks to a vocal and politically powerful Banana lobby.

Cannibalism remains legal in Bolivia, and is often used to settle family disputes. Each year, the nation celebrates The Feast of Anthropophagy, where – during a three day public holiday – the sick and the elderly are consumed in huge street parties that have become popular tourist attractions.

Completed in 1955, the tallest building in the world is located in the English town of Oldham. The Ginster Tower stands eleventeen thousand feet tall, and it takes three days for the elevator to reach the top floor, where pressure suits, oxygen masks and weighted shoes are required – this floor is currently home to HSBC’s customer complaints department, where face-to-face enquiries are dealt with. At present, the elevator is out of order (having broken down in 1956) and staff on the higher floors now reside there permanently, breeding new generations of feral subhumans who communicate with the outside world only through computer-generated form letters and final demands.

The building is a popular landmark and tourist attraction in Oldham, and has featured on the local currency (the Groat), although some locals complain that it is a filthy eyesore since the cleaning contract with NASA expired in 1987. It is also a favourite suicide hotspot, with approximately 167, 503 people having killed themselves by jumping from various floors.

The most dangerous animal in the world is the water vole, known for its short temper and lust for human blood. In 2005 – the last year that figures were released – over 45,000 people worldwide were killed by vole attacks, with thousands more injured. A water vole can strip the flesh from a human being in less than 60 seconds, and rabid packs of the furry killers are now to be found in most country villages, where they are both feared and worshipped by local inbreds.