You might even say I was borderline obsessed with my new groom. At age 22 we wed in the presence of family, friends and God. We vowed for better or for worse, to be faithful, ’til death do us part.

I was so enamored with this man that I now called my husband. The very word husband was then just becoming familiar and normal in every day conversation.

Jason was truly the man I had always hoped for, but never thought was real. Never believed was actually out there.

As a Christian, my faith is the most important part of my life, and Jason was such a shining example of what it meant to live for and like Christ from day one. I admired his hard work ethic, his devotion to Jesus and just felt so dang special every time I was with him.

In this season of life, I had just finished my Master’s in Social Work and Jason was working as the equivalent to a youth pastor at our church. Sure, he was super busy with the teens and spent a lot of time at the church, but overall, we were truly happy. I was so stinkin’ attracted to Jason, I honestly couldn’t believe I got to look at the man everyday. I had married a hottie, for sure.

That’s why it was so crazy. That’s why I almost didn’t see what was happening before it was too late.

Here we were, newlyweds, youth pastor and wife, still in that honeymoon phase…and I felt like I was blindsided.

Blindsided

I’ve always been a very friendly, bubbly person. At work was no different for me.

I was mindful of my interactions with men other than my husband, and even though I may have been 23 and still fairly naive, I knew certain boundaries needed to be set.

My heart was to respect my husband and to protect not only myself, but other men, as well. So while I was friendly, chatty as usual, and welcoming to others, I was vaguely aware of the potential pitfalls of opposite sex relationships once married.

It began with interacting with my co-workers per usual. The “Hey, how are you’s?”, shooting the breeze, etc.

One co-worker, who we’ll call Andrew*, was particularly charming and engaged with everyone there in a fun way.

The first week I saw more of Andrew, I didn’t think anything of it. He has reason to be here, I shrugged it off. He’s super friendly to everyone, I told myself.

But Andrew wasn’t a homely guy. And even if he was, let’s be honest: I was the girl who always liked the boys’ attention. Not in the super-flirty, come-hither kind of way, but I just flat out felt appreciated and special when guys noticed me.

Andrew was quite handsome, and I was definitely attracted to him. That made it a lot harder.

At 23 and a newlywed (and a happy one at that), I wasn’t ready to be attracted to someone else. I wasn’t prepared to have those types of romantic feelings for anyone besides my dear Jason.

No one told me this might happen.

I was never warned that uh…you actually can feel those things for someone else even in a happy, devoted marriage.

Another week passed with Andrew making what seemed to be more frequent stops to my corner of work than what seemed necessary. Although I knew it was wrong, I enjoyed being around him. He was easy on the eyes, funny, and made me feel those nervous butterflies.

I wasn’t ready to admit to myself or anyone else what was happening, but I just knew that when Andrew came around, I wanted to be near him.

My first big internal warning sign was when he started talking about his wife. I distinctly remember getting a pit in my stomach, and feeling a burning sensation in my face. I did not want to hear about his wife.

Red flag number one.

The second warning sign for me came when I got asked out. Okay, not like, junior high “asked out”, but still. A lot of my co-workers frequently went to a local bar after work.

On a Friday or Saturday night, a group of them would meet up, have a few drinks and dance. I may have been a pastor’s wife, loved Jesus, but I loved to dance. Still do. I have always been confident of my own personal one-drink limit, so that wasn’t an issue either.

What I did know, was that I wasn’t sure what would happen if I joined them…if I went out while Andrew was there.

“No, I can’t tonight, but thanks anyways!” I managed with a convincing smile. I knew I was only going to have one drink if I went, but I wasn’t sure of the rest. What if he started laying it on thick? What if, sitting next to each other in a booth, he put his hand on my leg?

I knew I couldn’t submit myself nor my marriage to that temptation.

I may have been a Jesus-lovin’ girl, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t human, or above making huge mistakes.

The final sign, the nail in this coffin, came during a time that a lot of us were posing for pictures together at work. Mostly, it was just groups of female co-workers clustered together, smiling big for the camera, looking at the back of our ’08 digital camera models to make sure they came out alright.

Then Andrew appeared, like he seemed to always do.

“Laura, let’s get a picture together!” he chimed.

I knew even that was crossing the line at this point, but I walked toward him, and smiled for the camera anyway. I’ll never forget how he put his hand on my lower back and near-electricity shot through my body just like the first time Jason and I held hands.

Part of me felt so ashamed. Here I was, MARRIED, for Pete sake, and attracted to another man.

Liking his attention.

Doting on his every word.

I felt guilty, but mostly, I just denied it all, even if to myself.

It’s okay, nothing happened, I comforted myself.

It’s not like you did anything wrong, my heart lied to me.

But I knew better.

Out of shame and utter denial, I didn’t tell a soul what I was experiencing. Things like this didn’t happen to “good girls” like me…or so I thought.

It actually took me up until last year to come clean and get this whole thing off my chest to my husband. It had been gnawing away at me, and even thought it was six years later, I’m so glad that I shared my heart and that he knows my secret.

These feelings of attraction, and flirty games we can play can honestly happen to anyone.

My heart in sharing this publicly is that I want you to know that you’re not alone. If this is you, right now, I’d like to encourage you with a few things.

First, nothing is worth a ruined marriage. If you resonate with the struggle I described, find ways to avoid or even make it clear to that person that you’re not interested. If you still find yourself in the same situation, I strongly believe not even a job is worth it. Y’all, if things would’ve continued down that path, I sure hope I would’ve quit that job. I truly believe that would have been the best choice for me, had things not turned around.

Don’t believe the lie that all hope is gone. Even if you have taken things too far, I believe there’s always a chance for restoration. Seek counseling. If you’re a Christian, like myself, I’d strongly suggest seeking out a Christian Counselor who will be able to walk you through the struggle through the lens of faith.

If you haven’t experienced this battle, I seriously thank God for that. Know that it can happen, and I hope it doesn’t blindside you like it did to me those years ago.

So how are Jason and I doing now?

Quite well, actually. That experience taught me some very important lessons. I know now that I’m not above making foolish decisions, nor I am any better than anyone else. I also know that I can fully trust my husband, and he’s just as amazing, if not more so, than I initially thought.

I’m convinced that Jason holds my heart with such tender love and all things are safe with him. And while I know this isn’t the case for all women, I am grateful and humbled that such an outstanding man with incredible character chooses me everyday.

Three kids later (and adopting another!) we’re quite busy. With a recent move to across the country from Michigan to Denver, I am more thankful now than ever for that man that I said “I do” to nearly eight years ago. There’s no one I’d rather do life with, and I’m utterly thankful for a God who protects me even from me and a life I truly don’t deserve.

“Laura is a mama of three littles {and in the adoption process}, delighting in the Gospel of grace. Attempting to be genuine and raw, Laura seeks to find the humor in everyday life. She shares her journey through faith, motherhood and marriage at Life As A Loewen blog. Passionate about issues of social justice, and always up for a Motown dance party, Laura seeks to live with spirited intentionality. Check out her blog Life As A Loewen and follow her on Instagram!”

Comments

Laura, I just want to thank you for being vulnerable enough to share this! I like you, dealt with an unexpected, strong attraction to another man soon after we were married. It took me off guard and I felt guilty about it for a long time before “coming clean” as well. I really think this probably happens to more ladies than we realize and I am so happy that you are helping ladies be aware that just because you are happily married, doesn’t mean that you are immune to attractions that could quickly lead in directions you never wanted them too!

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