Yesterday the UC San Diego administration released a statement denouncing The Motherfucking Koala. We thought it was very, very cute. What you may not know is that we knew about the statement days before it was published. We tasked our recruits to go undercover in order to infiltrate Ballsdeep Pradeep’s headquarters, documenting his meetings, files, and private items. They were incredibly successful. Behind the piles of dental dams, curry flavored lube, and empty cans of Gerber’s Vegetable Turkey Dinner flavored baby food, we found Prunedip’s computer. On that computer, we found the following chain of emails:

On Sun, 11/15/15, Ballsdeep Pradeep <ballsdeep@ucsd.edu> wrote:
Subject: Koala’s At It Again, What Do I Do??
To: incompetent-administrators@ucsd.edu

Well guys, looks like the Koala mentioned black people again, we may need to do some damage control…I’m thinking a nice denouncement message will calm the uppity student body.

No, not the drinking game you pansy. Does my 69-second wine bag pull mean nothing to you? I got you back when you passed out and I dunked my balls in your mouth: BALLSDEEP BABY! You know what absinthe does to you. The warm delights of your entrails, the gentle weeps, the dripping orifices – I plugged your holes real good Juanny boy.

Too long have trigger warnings plagued the airwaves. Too long has the no-blacks rule been removed from our campus. Too long have students not been free to offend their hypersensitive peers. “Spam Musubi only $1” and “Holy shit they opened up Starbucks” have replaced the long-gone chants of “Nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger.” Next week, that will all change.

Administrators at UC San Diego are creating an all new, state-of-the-art Dangerous Space for UCSD students who just don’t feel like their needs have been met on campus. In the past few weeks, the lack of dangerous space at UCSD has become increasingly apparent; students have been lashing out with puppy parades, non-violent protests, and other equally safe gimmicks. Safe spaces at UCSD are commonplace, and threaten individuals who do not like feeling safe. The logical next step has been taken by the university in creating a place to fairly support all UCSD students, continuing the university’s theme of inclusion and equality.

Located in the center of Library Walk, the new Dangerous Space is the ideal place for students to do whatever the hell they want. Senior Frank Yu gave The Koala the following statement: “The needs of dangerous-space students have been overlooked for generations, but UCSD is finally recognizing what means the most to 19-year-old Asian nerds: fucking a dead body with a picture of my waifu taped on the face.”

F. Yu isn’t alone. Not only will this new dangerous space allow people of all ethnicities and sizes – even unnaturally large sizes – it will allow for knifes, guns, opinions that might be different than yours, drug paraphernalia, sharp writing instruments, and explicit pornography.

The new Dangerous Space is guaranteed to get students excited for a good time, and will probably end like all good things do, with body mutilation and feelings of remorse.