Saturday, February 20, 2010

As often it happens, a song i heard on my ipod while walking today gave me reason to go back....to stop....to remember....to explore feelings and emotions. I love music - music can take you back in in an instant and you can just feel moments and emotions from years before. This time, the song is called "Home". Late 2004 and early 2005 proved to be a very hard time in my life. My daddy was so sick - come to find out later he had cancer - but at the time we didn't know what was causing him so much pain and sickness. My precious momma had become victim of one of the most horrible diseases imaginable - Alzheimer's. She was 95 at the time, and we really didn't see the horrible symptoms of the disease until her later years - but momma, during that last year, at times would become violent and she would threaten to hurt my daddy or at times herself. Late 2004 she was still at home with my daddy, who refused to let us get someone in the home to help. As daddy's illness worsened, momma became more and more confused and it got to the point that daddy had to call often because he couldn't calm her down. I didn't go anywhere without my cell phone in hand because his calls were getting more and more frequent - sometimes deep into the night. We would have to rush over and i would sit with momma and michael would sit with daddy. For reasons i will never understand, momma wouldn't recognize daddy....he was a stranger to her and she hated the stranger in her home. For the longest time, we would play a game with momma to calm her. i would sit with momma while daddy went back to their bedroom - he would change his clothes from top to bottom....sneak out the front door and then, as momma and i would sit in the den, daddy would come in the back door - the door she always equated with daddy's arrival, and she would get this relieved look on her face and then would come "Ray Beard, don't you ever leave me again!" She would recognize the precious man coming in the back door and the night would be okay after that.....but as time went on, it would take longer talks to calm her and there were times when the only option was to take her home with me and leave daddy there alone to rest. The back door game wouldn't fly. It never failed though, the minute we drove away, momma would fret and say "we can't leave Ray there - take me home". The same man she wanted to get away from became the one she couldn't leave. In September of 04, daddy's health got to the point we had no option but to get momma into an Alzheimer's unit in a retirement home only a mile or two away from their home. It was the most horrible thing i could have to do - i was still trying to hold down a job and with momma sometimes becoming violent, there just wasn't another option i could see. The morning we took her, we had precious friends waiting to rush in and hold on to my daddy. His heart was breaking. My heart was breaking too. As i write this, i am amazed once again that i was able to make it through this. My parents were the loves of my life....our lives were coming unraveled and there was not a thing i could do to stop it. As i write, i again realize this is one of those times God carried me safely in His mighty arms.....because there's no way on earth i could have walked this part of the journey. Life was on auto-pilot. Work - go by and get daddy dinner - visit with daddy - then to see momma - then home - just to wake up and do it all over again. I do not know how i emotionally made it - having to go and see my momma....sitting there in a room with others that didn't know where they were or sometimes who they were....each and everyone of them wanting to go HOME.....how did my heart not break to the point of no return? My only answer is Christ. And to see my daddy....there in that house, all alone - spirit broken (which by the way, i had never seen before in my life - my daddy....my hero - the strong one - so weak and frail) a pile of uncertainty and heartache......i still don't understand why.....why these two? Thanksgiving came - i still have a family that depends on me to pull us together for the holidays.....I don't even remember planning our Thanksgiving - just remember going by the day before to see mom and she was not well - not well at all. Had to call an ambulance and she was admitted in the hospital. HOrrible infection - mean ER Doctor - "you realize your momma is 94 and she just might not make it" - but she's a spit fire.....and she pulled through it all. She really relished being in the hospital because she had daddy there by her side, and me....and for some reason the pain meds helped her remember - it was like old times. She was like the momma we knew years before. But once the pain medication was taken away, memory faded and the anger at being back at the retirement home was even worse. Back to auto-pilot. Mom's 95th birthday came in December. We didn't even think about taking her out for her birthday because taking her back was way too painful. We had a birthday party for her there. WE decorated the little library and family came and we had such a good time. Daddy so frail - but he was there. Momma beamed with her family around her. That was December. In late January mom had another infection - another ambulance - another admit to the hospital. This time she was so much worse. She was mentally okay for the first 4 days - but on a Wednesday, things drastically changed. She started talking about the past - she uttered these words and i KNEW...."i want a pretty dress - with lots of flowers" i knew she was talking about going home. And that was the day she made up her mind - she was going HOME. And for the next two weeks, we waited. I set up camp in her room with her. My niece came too and we had make shift beds....each taking turns sleeping in the "good bed". Michael tended to daddy.....i just had to be with momma. Then i get a call - DADDY is in the ER downstairs....heart problems. They admit my daddy and he's on the 4th floor....momma on the 8th. Auto-pilot for sure. Christ leads and carries - no other explanation for sanity at this point. Calls to my precious Aunt and Cousin in Arkansas....what do i do - how do i do it - asking for help, for prayer, for answers. Scared out of my mind....not wanting the moment to come when my precious momma takes her last breath but knowing it's going to happen - scared to leave because i want to be there. Every other day I would leave - for just an hour or so - i would go home to shower, to breath in the air outside - to be a part of the world outside my bubble. Michael would come and stay if Deana, my niece wasn't there. Someone was always with momma.....never once was she alone. As i drove home on those days i ventured out, a song would almost ALWAYS come on the radio.....i would turn it up so loud and roll down my windows and sing with all my heart - these words:"Home"

Another summer dayHas come and gone awayIn Paris and RomeBut I wanna go home

May be surrounded byA million people IStill feel all aloneI just wanna go homeOh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to youEach one a line or two“I’m fine baby, how are you?”Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enoughMy words were cold and flatAnd you deserve more than that

Another aeroplaneAnother sunny placeI’m lucky, I knowBut I wanna go homeMmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go homeI’m just too far from where you areI wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s lifeIt’s like I just stepped outsideWhen everything was going rightAnd I know just why you could notCome along with me'Cause this was not your dreamBut you always believed in me

Another winter day has comeAnd gone awayIn even Paris and RomeAnd I wanna go homeLet me go home

And I’m surrounded byA million people IStill feel all aloneOh, let me go homeOh, I miss you, you know

Let me go homeI’ve had my runBaby, I’m doneI gotta go homeLet me go homeIt will all be all rightI’ll be home tonightI’m coming back home

I would sometimes change the words to "Lord, welcome her home" - it became my song for my momma.....i knew in my heart she wanted nothing more than to step into glory....to see Christ - to hold her momma and her daddy and her beloved brother that passed before her....to hold my cousin, Hoyt, who passed away WAY too early in his life......There are things that run through my mind right now and i can't go there.....things momma said to me while she was in that hospital those last 2 weeks....things that hurt me so bad....even tho this blogging helps me heal, i still can't go there. I know though, that my momma left this world knowing that she was loved beyond measure by her daughter....never a doubt that my love for her was bigger than both of us. Early on Sunday morning, February 20th, 7:35 i woke up and as usual, the first thing i did was look next to me and see momma's chest rise and fall - to be sure she was still there with us - i bent down and whispered to her that i was going to run get coffee and i would be right back. Deana was still sleeping soundly on the other side of her.....so i slipped outside - i was gone all of about 2 minutes and as i came back in, again looking to see the rise and fall of momma's chest and it wasn't there. I yelled for Deana....i yelled for the nurse....i grabbed her hand and realized she was gone. I believe i saw her last breath.....her death was so peaceful. Not one change in her facial expression. She slipped into glory so peacefully and for that I am so thankful. Deana and I held one another....we rejoiced in the fact that my precious momma was in heaven with our Lord. She didn't have to wonder who she was, where she was - she had the clarity of mind of her youth.....no pain....just joy. Precious Joy. Grandmother and Granddaddy Hatfield, Uncle Ogle, Hoyt - all there to great her. What JOY must have been on all of their faces. My momma saw Christ. He opened His arms and welcomed her HOME. And if i know my momma.....she was on to the mansion - getting it ready for all of us. She left this world on a Sunday morning.....did she enter heaven and join in the worship service pounding away on the heavenly piano? I can just see her now. And as i write this, my sweet daddy is by her side.....booming away in that beautiful voice of his - "How Great Thou Art" - All these memories because of a song.....on my ipod - as i walk. I listen closely to the words....each part of the song brings a different memory.....

May be surrounded byA million people IStill feel all aloneI just wanna go homeOh, I miss you, you know - i see my little momma.....sitting in the middle of others in that retirement home - surrounded by people - but so alone.....longing for HOME.....

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to youEach one a line or two“I’m fine baby, how are you?”Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough - all the memories of her love....for daddy, for me, for family - locked away in her mind - locked away by a horrible disease....but there....still there - and every once in awhile she would catch a glimpse.....

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s lifeIt’s like I just stepped outsideWhen everything was going rightAnd I know just why you could notCome along with me'Cause this was not your dreamBut you always believed in me - She must have often felt like she was living someone else's life....like she was looking from the outside into a life didn't understand.....and daddy couldn't understand - couldn't be inside that mind with her - none of us could - but each one of us, daddy more so than anyone - always believed in her.....always supported her.

Let me go homeI’ve had my runBaby, I’m doneI gotta go homeLet me go homeIt will all be all rightI’ll be home tonightI’m coming back home - reminds me of the day she made up her mind....that Wednesday when words changed....when emotion changed - Baby she's done....she's had her run - but she's going home. And she's home now.....Home with our Lord. Home with my daddy by her side. HOME.

I miss you momma and I love you with all that's in me. Love, "your" cindy.