How 8 women approached the topic of emotional labour with their partner

Emotional labour is something so many women experience, and for many of us, it's something we might not even realise is happening. Not sure what 'emotional labour' actually is? You know all those responsibilities that for some reason to fall on women in relationships? Not necessarily the physical tasks around the house (although this of course does disproportionately fall to women), but the thinking that goes alongside them.

Maybe you're always reminding your partner about their family's birthdays, or that you've run out of butter, or that you've got guests coming so you should do a food shop, or listening to your partner's work woes. Whatever it is, emotional labour is all that managing and organising you do. And usually, it enables men to be emotionally lazy. And it's something that writer Gemma Hartley explained in such a relatable way, her piece went viral last year.

Here, eight women took to a Reddit thread to explain how they've brought up the topic of emotional labour in relationships, how it went down and if they've managed to make their relationships a more equal.

1. "We set some boundaries and expectations"

"My husband and I had problems with this early on. I had to be the one who noticed everything. I had to know we were low on milk, or there were dirty dishes, or the dog needed a vet appointment, or the refrigerator was leaking. It drove me nuts. I bottled it up for a long time because honestly I’m not even sure I recognised it as emotional labor. But one day I did, and I exploded at him a bit (which obviously isn’t the super healthy way to go) and explained how having to 'ask' him to 'help' or prompt him all the time made ours feel like a mother-child relationship, rather than a husband-wife. And that’s not sexy.

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"I will say, his first reaction was along the lines of ‘tell me how to fix it.’ And I was like, that’s part of the problem- I shouldn’t have to tell you how to do your part. And he got it. We set some boundaries/expectations (I’m the one who restocks toilet paper, toiletries, etc, but he keeps lists of things he’s noticed we need; he does the pet care, and takes the trash out weekly, etc) and I’m so much less stressed out. Change is possible!" [via]

2. "I told my husband I'm overwhelmed"

"I just had a convo with my husband yesterday about how overwhelmed I am, and he said that in a couple months, when his [work] responsibilities are lessened, he'll be able to 'help me out' around the house more. I was like. 'Whoa buddy. Let's change that language right around, because if you're 'helping me out', that means everything is my responsibility.' I HOPE he got it. We'll see." [via]

3. "We broke it down into more concrete tasks and routines"

"What's worked for us is that my boyfriend - who 'didn't notice' or was oblivious - set a reminder on his phone for 7:45pm to walk into the kitchen and look at the sink. If there's anything in it, either load it into the dishwasher or clean it, and put it on the drying rack. Setting it up as an intentional routine has helped him a lot, and the phone's doing the reminding, not me. But then it helps that he genuinely wants to contribute to the household, he was just feeling lost/overwhelmed before we broke it down into more concrete tasks and routines. He grew up never having to do any chores while I've been doing my own grocery shopping/cooking/cleaning/laundry since I was 11 or 12, so there was a real discrepancy in experience to overcome." [via]

4. "I tell him to Google how to do things"

"Seven years in and I'm finally just saying 'idk' to things, and telling him to Google it, instead of doing it for him. Like [he was] asking about paint and stains earlier... Idk? I'm as much of an expert as you are. You figure it out this time!" [via]

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5. "I taught him how to negotiate his own needs - it was exhausting"

"My partner's inexperienced. He hasn’t been in a relationship longer than a year while living in the same place. So he didn’t know how to negotiate a lot of very normal relationship conversations. [He] had very weird expectations about how things, like living together, go. There were a lot of times a brea up was imminent because he just didn’t know how to talk about what was bothering him, how or when to bring it up. I feel like the first six months of the relationship was me managing his expectations and teaching him how to negotiate his own needs, in addition to my own. It was genuinely exhausting at points." [via]

6. "I have to bring it up in a casual way"

"For me, it's about moderating my emotions AND my partner's emotions when the dishes don't get done. When I have a day off and he works, 100% of the time, I at least do the surface cleaning - tidy the bedroom, do the dishes, put stuff away. But I come home on his day off and the dishes aren't done, despite the fact we have talked about this before, and he has agreed to do them on his day off. Now I have to have the conversation of, 'you didn't do the dishes'. But if I come in annoyed, he's going to be immediately angry, then he's going to think we're fighting, and I'm going to owe him an apology. And since he resents being yelled at about the dishes, the dishes will never get done again. So I have to ask him how his day was. And be in a good mood. And later, oh so very gently, I have to ~casually~ mention that I thought we had said something about doing dishes respectively on our days off? And he will probably get defensive anyways, but maybe he will do them next time. I will probably end up doing them this time. Meanwhile, if I promised to do something for him and didn't, he would just say 'you didn't do X' and I would say sorry and do it immediately." [via]

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7. "I've learned it's ok to get mad"

"The biggest thing is that I feel like we can't move forward. Which is super frustrating. I can see the path ahead - If we talk about X we can move to Y, and come to a solution Z. But when someone just argues semantics, you can't move past X because of how you brought it up. Like, dude, I get it. It wasn't ideal for me to say it in that tone or with that phrasing. You're right. OK, let's move on. But do I have to apologise for every sentence or add a qualifying clause to each statement? That slows time and makes it impossible to address the core issue. One of the things I've had to talk with my current bf about is this: I'm allowed to have emotions. Expressing anger or frustration is not wrong. It's something I learned from my therapist. So often we feel like, in order to be taken seriously, we have to express it in a calm, clear, and accommodating manor in order to work through a problem. But it's OK to feel mad (so long as you don't attack anyone). That emotion is just a sign that something needs to change. But you have to be able to move through that anger into solutions." [via]

8. "I have to ask him to take notice, it's frustrating"

"Ugh, I am so tired of fighting with my boyfriend about [emotional labour]. I have to ask him to do literally everything. He just 'doesn't notice' when things need [to be] done. Right, OK. Every time I try to ask him to take notice of things around the house, like dishes or laundry or taking out the trash, he says I have to ask him to do those things. Wanting him to take notice on his own is apparently 'making him change his whole way of thinking.' It's frustrating. [via]

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