Ive had too much beer in the last couple days, and now I'm farting like crazy. My stomache is all bloated and every 5 min or so, I let out a horrible, ass ripping, room clearing, fart. It's making my eyes water.

I was cutting wood with my dad early this morning, think 7:30. I had eaten two "breakfast sandwhiches", fucking crusty bread and overcooked eggs. Lame bacon too thick and undercooked. After my third Camel I knew it was gonna happen. I stay mad regular, always shitting after the first few smokes of the day. Combined with the sandwhiches wreaking havoc on my bowels, I had no choice! Why hadn't I shat in the house when I knew I was going to need to very soon? I could have forced it out, even though it wasn't 100% ripe at that point. I think I subconsciously wanted to shit in the woods. I grabbed a handful of KFC napkins from the glove box and hit the woods. It took forever to find a suitable shit spot. We were in the deep Maine woods, but I was still paranoid someone would stumble upon me. No one should have to see that. Finally I found the perfect stump. About a eight inches off the ground and totally covered with soft moss, it was perfect. I hunkered down with my left ass cheek supported on the stump and then took a shit.