Sunday, November 20, 2016

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Major media personalities strive to retain their credibility
after being forced to appear naked on television by our alien overlord Tromp.

Tromp, mastermind of the invasion from Pluto, created
mass panic when he landed in the United States in November, 2016 in a fleet of golden
skyscraper-shaped spacecrafts. But the corporate media calmed the public by
normalizing Tromp’s incursions into what had hitherto been the normal business of distracting or scaring the news consumers with scandals so they would seek relief by buying the advertised products.

“It began innocently enough,” said Don Lime, host of a CNN
news hour. “Tromp’s ship landed on top of the White House, crushing it. Even I
screamed like a little girl when that happened—and I was live on air! Then my
producer shouted into my earpiece: ‘Where’s your gravitas, your savvy, your
objectivity?’

“So it occurred to me I had to be brave for the viewers. I
locked away my true self and began coldly narrating what transpired. I was like
a robot, just observing and describing in the most neutral terms I could think
of what was perhaps the greatest disaster to have befallen our nation as if it
were barely even newsworthy.

“When Tromp kicked a baby’s head off, I admit I struggled.
How to help prevent a human uprising that could cost millions of lives? How to
do my job with dignity and avoid alienating Tromp in case he should decide he’d
like to come on my show, perhaps be a regular guest or even a co-host. My
producers drew up the contract and everything, so that was in the back of my
mind: I had to play it cool with Tromp, because as hideous and inhuman as he
was, he was now in charge.”

But then Tromp and his minions decreed that all media
personalities, including pundits, analysts, and hosts, would have to perform
their on-air television duties nude and uncensored.

“I was taken aback when I heard that one,” said Megyn Sally,
journalist and commentator at Fox News. “I thought maybe I wouldn’t be able to
go through with it. But when the projected ratings came in, I said to myself, ‘You’ll
still have your journalistic integrity as long as you can pretend that nothing
unusual is happening. The viewers won’t know the difference, because they’re
just zoning out in front of the TV.’

“At first it was strange. I was sitting naked on set behind
the desk, the cameramen leering at me and millions of people no doubt staring
at my breasts on their television screens. But I reminded myself that I’m an
insider, a power elite who’s making millions of dollars a year, and the schlubs
sitting on their couches probably don’t even know our planet’s been conquered
by an alien power; they live in their little bubble worlds on Facebook and as
with the rest of the news, they’ll forget everything they’ve seen and heard
minutes after they’ve turned off their TV. So I gutted it out.”

When Tromp did consent to be interviewed on CNN, he sat
across from stark naked Brianna Keeley and slid his frog-like tongue down her
throat, forcing her to improvise.

“I remember thinking, ‘This is most unfortunate,’” said
Keeley. “Here’s this tremendous opportunity to interview our alien master, to
find out what makes him tick. I mean, what are his plans for us? Will he
slaughter half our population or perhaps exterminate us in toto? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

“I’d assumed Tromp might try to use to his advantage the
fact that he could decree that I be constantly naked in his presence. But it
hadn’t occurred to me he might jam his slimy, two feet long reptilian tongue
down my throat and just keep it there for the duration of the interview. My challenge
then was to pose my carefully-crafted questions to Tromp without them sounding
all garbled.

“At first, I just choked and vomited in my mouth, because I
could feel his revolting tongue slithering down my throat. Then it occurred to
me that while Tromp’s three hands were occupied with my breasts and other
private parts, he’d neglected to control my wrists. So I began furiously
writing down my questions with a thick black marker, and I held the paper up to
Tromp’s bloated face. I watched as his eyeballs turned to look at my questions,
and you know what? He released one of my breasts and scribbled his answers in the
space I’d provided him. So it was question and answer, and normality was
restored.”

Were the god we deserve to show himself at last, would we
shed tears of joy or claw out our eyes to spare us from having to see our
essence made manifest? How many people truly know themselves and understand
that our high-tech wonderland is a veneer over a wilderness
that’s the source of all our nightmares? When the lights go out and our savage
neighbours throw off their ill-fitting trappings of civility, storm the
battlements, and conjure their ogre king, the duped, happy-talking
professionals of the establishment are shocked and appalled. “America is
divided,” they say. “A civil war is coming.” But they don’t understand, because
they don’t accept the barbarity spread out before them as their shadow. Only
outcasts who don’t prop up the American system could be blameless for the coming
of America’s best representative, for the ogre Donald Trump. They’ve played no
part in turning the United States into a laughingstock which every nation is at
its core for being a herd of beasts and sheep that pretend to be angels.
American liberals think they’re innocent because they protect gays and Muslims
and women’s choice to abort their fetuses. Meanwhile, these same liberal
professionals pass their time as worker bees and consumers in a new Gilded Age
and preside over the US-led destruction of the biosphere.

For comedians and philosophers, the 2016 US presidential
election is an intellectual feast. Trump captured the dreaded zeitgeist of
American decline and humiliated the neoliberal establishment.
Contrary to Trump’s clumsy epithet for her, Hillary Clinton wasn’t especially crooked;
instead, she was clueless—like the entire class of power elites, the pundits
and pollsters and politicians, and the complacent beta herds of doctors,
lawyers, and teachers who think they’re on the right side of history whereas
the horde of Trumpian savages is un-American. Not even Sherlock Holmes could
show Democrats the clues that hide in plain sight. Bernie Sanders tried and was
marginalized as a “socialist” and a misanthropic dreamer. Democrats have been
too busy fussing as technocratic custodians of the social systems to realize
that America is a myth. Their true home
has been Trump’s sewer all along—only, some have been wailing and drudging naked
through the filth because they couldn’t afford blinders and boots, while the
professionals, whom Thomas Frank showed have made up the base of the Democratic
Party for decades, mistook the spectacle of infantilized and
shell-shocked consumers, scurrying in their corner of the global village, for a
land of the free and a home of the brave.

How smug were the writers of the Saturday Night Live
sketches which depicted Trump as a troll and Clinton as a shoe-in for the
presidency and “the most qualified candidate ever to run for high office”! The
latter mantra was a euphemism for “competent technocrat,” for “manager of the
system and maintainer of the status quo,” whereas the right-wing backlashes in
Europe, the Sanders campaign and the nomination of Trump signaled that the
millions who have been left behind by the system have finally insisted on searching
for alternatives. A neoliberal can afford to say that masses of have-knots can
be expected in a free market, if that
neoliberal happens to be part of the establishment. If he himself is a loser in
conventional terms, he wouldn’t be thankful for the second coming of Clinton,
because he’d have been radicalized by years of resentfully watching the glitzy American
success stories on TV. He’d be desperate enough to want to tear down the whole system
and to take revenge on the top one percent of power elites who have flourished almost
beyond comprehension while the majority’s wages in the US have been stagnant
for decades. Trump exploited this
blowback from globalism, using his skills as a reality TV star to demagogue his
way to victory, to inflict the world with the fallout of his megalomania.

Even now after the scales have fallen from their eyes,
American liberals rally to oppose Republicans who now control all branches of
their government. They don’t understand
that these armies of Republican troglodytes are only symptoms of a deeper, more
persistent inhumanity. As Yuval Harari points out in Homo Deus, the rancor of First World blue collar workers who have
lost their jobs to Third World slaves is destined to be followed by the bewilderment
of white collar elites who will in turn lose their jobs to computers. As robots
and slaves of authoritarian states are replacing middle-class labourers,
computers will occupy upper-class positions in the knowledge economy; that’s the
logic of “free market” capitalism. We “liberate” inhuman natural forces from
the creativity we’re capable of imposing when we act in a dignified, transcendent
fashion, and when we recognize we’re all at war with a godless universe and must create
a virtually supernatural world that doesn’t run on such heartless evolutionary
principles; otherwise, we suffer and die as hapless quasi-animals. Just as
Obama is leading the transition team that’s ushering in the Trump regime to the
White House, which regime will be dedicated to erasing any sign that the
abomination of a neoliberal African-American once sat in the Oval Office, we’re
all programming the machines that will replace our whole species of deluded primates.

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About the Author

In this blog you'll find my philosophical rants within the undead god. What on earth is the "undead god," you ask, and why do I rant within it? Read on and find out or just look at how the planet and all of nature mindlessly evolve, setting the stage for our existential predicament. In the big picture, who I am doesn't matter at all and when I write here I write mostly with the big picture in mind. But if you're curious about some of my interests, see my blogger profile.