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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Better.

Last week was hard. One of the very most hardest weeks in a very long time. The baby shower took me out for a bit. Just seeing what I was missing was so very difficult. It took days to recover.

Then, we started painting Lila's room... painting over Jovi's room. I didn't think this was going to be difficult. I thought that it would be fine... I had already taken everything down... and put away all of Jovi's clothes. Wrong. It was hard. Sad... Sad it's no longer Jovi's room. Very sad it's no longer Jovi's room. We started painting just the day after the shower... I think it was all just tooo mmmuuuccchhhh at one time.

Then, I was a crying mess for days. And stressed out. I was super worried I was going to stress myself into preterm labor.... it was just a lot of days full of stress, crying, and learning to have faith, yet again.

But, I'm happy to say I'm back again. I've climbed out of the pit and am back to my new "normal" self. I am trusting God that everything will work for us... for Cash... for sweet Lila... and that He will keep my Jovi safe until I can get back to her. It's finally better. Lighter. Until the next fall... but getting up is always better than falling down. And, I always appreciate feeling lighter way more than I did before.

We have 17 weeks left until we welcome a new baby girl into our lives and while I know the time will be good for us (so much to prepare for her both mentally and physically around the house), but I'm getting so excited to see her. Who will she look like? Jovi? Cash? A whole new baby? This little Lila has to be the most anticipated baby we've had. Not that we didn't want the other two... there is just something that seems so much more special about her. Even my husband has said he can't wait until she is born... I don't recall the sheer excitement in his voice with the other two. This makes it sound like Jovi and Cash weren't ancipated or we didn't long for their arrival, we did! So much! There is just something special about getting another chance...

Jovi baby- You are still so very missed. It is so sad to see all the babies around your age (whose mommies I was pregnant with) and they are getting ready to celebrate first birthdays... taking first birthday pictures... I still find it incredibly unfair that we have to take you gifts to your grave... that we have to visit you at a grave at all. But, somedays it does feel lighter. Somedays I have so much hope about seeing you... and that you are okay. You miss your mommy and you can't wait for me to get to you, but I know you are okay. And that does help... Other days I'm just dying to get to Heaven. Each day I miss you just the same.... make any sense? I can't wait to see your smiling face! Will you have teeth? Will you be big or small? Will you have black hair or blonde hair?! I think about you every single day... every single hour of every day. I miss you so very much. Can I just say it again- I can't WAIT until I get to see you and hold you and play with you. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will enjoy the light."
Job 33:28

Elise couldn't have said it better. You are very inspiring to me and I am so glad you are having a better week. That was a lot to handle... You made it through and showed your strength. I understand how exciting having Lila is... Not that you didn't feel blessed before but we have a new outlook in life because of our unfortunate events. Love the pic of Jovi... So sweet <3