THE CROOKED LITTLE HOUSE BOOK

I went looking for a new house, a new start, a new life... What I found was my new family. -Mercy Giuliani

The ugly side of fear

My blogs will always be a way I’m sharing my personal experiences and wouldn’t call people out on their “stuff”. Someday I may share others stories, with the permission to help add more color and dimension but for now you just get me 😊

I’ve been getting constant messages lately to talk about fear. Fear in some cases can be positive. It can get us to wake up and take notice. But in most cases fear is a destroyer. It can rob us of what I believe is one of our most powerful tools, hope. I believe I am being guided to talk about fear because it haunted me for so many years and turned me into an ugly monster. Unfortunately, I didn’t just surrender to fear, I let it take me over. It consumed my thoughts and thoughts become action so ultimately it affected everything I did. When I was living in this fear base, I wasn’t sad or depressed. Instead I chose the other side of fear, anger. A very ugly, mean monstrous one. The worst part of being connected to fear for me was that my energy completely stopped moving. I was stuck in this darkness and it was all I could see, hear or think.

At the time I didn’t think I was fearful because I wasn’t being a victim and I wasn’t sad. I turned that fear into an anger that could unleash at any time. I was a monster. I was so consumed in the fear that I would snap at any moment. I told myself that I was angry because of everyone else’s actions. The truth is I was angry because I was afraid and locked into such massive fear I couldn’t connect to anything else.

The fear wasn’t even about me. It was about my children and my family. Because there was nothing more that I wanted in life than for my family to be happy and healthy. But I didn’t stay in the light. I didn’t follow hope and god and know that everyone would be okay. Losing the light in my life was devasting. It changed me as a person. Instead of lighting the way for others I was throwing darkness everywhere. Darkness creates such a void and I filled that void with so much anger my family would tip toe around me hoping I wasn’t having “one of those days.”

I did find solace at times and would connect to all things good in moments throughout this difficult time in my life. One of those moments of bliss for me, where the darkness had no chance to exist, was dinner with my family each night. We would sit down together (no cell phone or that would bring the monster out…lol) and share about our day. I’m an energy bug so for me it was just about the bond that took place each night and the connection to the most important thing in my life. Yeah, I’m Italian but the food came second, it was my family.

I look back at this time with great sorrow. I wonder how I couldn’t have seen how awful the hours and days were that I spent hanging out with fear instead of joy. Such a complete waste of my energy. And the damage I did as that monster to my relationships was unforgiveable. When things would happen that are just part of life; parenting, money, job or marriage challenges, I could easily move into complete darkness and be so hateful I couldn’t even recognize myself. I tried establishing boundaries, setting rules, discussing expectation because I was trying to control the situation and ultimately the outcome. And almost everything in life is imperfect. Instead of connecting to hope and knowing all would be good, I would punish those around me for the challenges as I was the judge, jury and executioner. There was never physical violence and I would never demean or attack personally but the fury was so strong that the words never mattered.

I believe part of the drive to write this topic and this blog is my own guilt. Part of this blog is a confession. A confession to those I love and to say I’m sorry. Because I let fear and anger control me. The monster would come out and rear its ugly head and I would hurt people. And as messed up as it sounds, I thought I was controlling things, that my monster would straighten everyone out, so they could end up happy, healthy, successful people. What an idiot I was. Even now that fills me with sadness. Because at my core I am full of compassion and love and would never want to hurt people. I hope that those that suffered from my anger, from the ugly monster, will find it in their hearts to forgive me.

I have always been a fan of spiritual laws where it’s a common belief there are two base emotions that all other emotions come from. That is love and fear. Love is light and joy and all the best reasons to do anything in our lives. But fear can appear as anger or sadness and always darkness. In my experience when you connect to fear, it can so easily consume you. It can start as little thoughts and build and build until that’s all that consumes your energy. With me, the more I connected to fear the darkness grew and I lost hope, light and my connection to the universe.

I’m beyond grateful that I can say this is my past and I work everyday to stay in the light and attempt to not give fear a minute, speckle or moment of my energy. I can still recognize when I’m connecting to fear and I now treat it as a test. That the universe is helping me flex my positive muscles and seeing how quickly I can walk back into the light. When a fear-based idea enters my mind, I try to remember to say, “I am going to let the light in and release those ideas.” If you find yourself angry or sad, I would ask that you dig into that emotion and try to understand what’s behind it. Because in my experience, it has been all about fear. And once you uncover what the specific fear is about, you can then release it and give it up to the higher powers that be.

My best advice for moving out fear is simple. Go back to the light. Have faith and connect with things that bring you joy. The more light and love you have surrounding your energy with the easier it is to simply not connect to fear. Darkness cannot exist where there is light. Anger can not exist where there is love. Surrender your fear, surrender the sadness or anger and feel the light of god surround you.