Question for all you men...

I know this page is for Dads, but I have a questions regarding my hubby and I was hoping to get a man's perspective of this.

Last month my hubby was diagnosed with a varicocele. He has low sperm count and motility. The Dr. said that by having the surgery it could up his count by up to 70%- which would put him at the low end of normal (and anything is better then nothing in my book). Well, he says he will NOT have surgery. He won't talk to me about it or ask me what I think. I'm trying to be patient with him but I'm also starting to pull away from him and am getting depressed. I don't want to push, but I don't want to resent him for the rest of my life either. What do you think I should do or say? I know he must be having a hard time dealing with it too, but can anyone tell me how he's feeling (more specifically)?Thanks in advance!

Hi Guys,

I know this page is for Dads, but I have a questions regarding my hubby and I was hoping to get a man's perspective of this.

Last month my hubby was diagnosed with a varicocele. He has low sperm count and motility. The Dr. said that by having the surgery it could up his count by up to 70%- which would put him at the low end of normal (and anything is better then nothing in my book). Well, he says he will NOT have surgery. He won't talk to me about it or ask me what I think. I'm trying to be patient with him but I'm also starting to pull away from him and am getting depressed. I don't want to push, but I don't want to resent him for the rest of my life either. What do you think I should do or say? I know he must be having a hard time dealing with it too, but can anyone tell me how he's feeling (more specifically)?Thanks in advance!

First off, let me say that I'm sorry you are going through a hard time with this. It's obvious you are frustrated and my heart goes out to you.

Second, I have to say that I don't think many of us can really identify with why he has chosen not to look intot he procedure. Maybe he has a fear of surgery or some other concern that he is having a hard time verbalizing. I know that personally, when my wife and I were going through our infertility issues, I was ready and able to do all that I needed to do to see our dreams come true. I most likely would have happily gotten the surgery, no matter the risks, but luckily, for us it didn't come to that.

The two of you definately need to talk, but you can't force him into communicating his reasons to you. If you try, you'll most likely push him further away, which could in turn lead to more resentment. I know you said that you are being patient with him, but you need to really did deep on this. Give him some space and hopefully in time he'll feel comfortable talking about it. If not, I fear it could lead to more problems in the future, and this will only be the beginning of your issues. You *have* to be patient and do your best to quash feelings of resentment. That won't help and will just lead to more problems.

Obviously, I can only speculate as to why he is refusing to have the procedure done. There are many different reasons, all which are valid in their own way. Try not to let your frustration rule you, with luck, counseling (if it comes to that) and maybe a little prayer, hopefully he'll come around.

Sorry that I couldn't be more help,

-J

Hi Beth,

First off, let me say that I'm sorry you are going through a hard time with this. It's obvious you are frustrated and my heart goes out to you.

Second, I have to say that I don't think many of us can really identify with why he has chosen not to look intot he procedure. Maybe he has a fear of surgery or some other concern that he is having a hard time verbalizing. I know that personally, when my wife and I were going through our infertility issues, I was ready and able to do all that I needed to do to see our dreams come true. I most likely would have happily gotten the surgery, no matter the risks, but luckily, for us it didn't come to that.

The two of you definately need to talk, but you can't force him into communicating his reasons to you. If you try, you'll most likely push him further away, which could in turn lead to more resentment. I know you said that you are being patient with him, but you need to really did deep on this. Give him some space and hopefully in time he'll feel comfortable talking about it. If not, I fear it could lead to more problems in the future, and this will only be the beginning of your issues. You *have* to be patient and do your best to quash feelings of resentment. That won't help and will just lead to more problems.

Obviously, I can only speculate as to why he is refusing to have the procedure done. There are many different reasons, all which are valid in their own way. Try not to let your frustration rule you, with luck, counseling (if it comes to that) and maybe a little prayer, hopefully he'll come around.

“Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express.” --Joseph Addison (1672-1719)

As someone who has had a surgery in my nether regions, I can say that it is a pretty terrifying prospect to face. Had mine not been cancer, which made my decision a no-brainer, I might have had a hard time deciding to go under the knife to have a surgery done.

However, with enough time to think about it, my desire to have a child would most likely have eventually outweighed my fear.

As someone who has had a surgery in my nether regions, I can say that it is a pretty terrifying prospect to face. Had mine not been cancer, which made my decision a no-brainer, I might have had a hard time deciding to go under the knife to have a surgery done.

However, with enough time to think about it, my desire to have a child would most likely have eventually outweighed my fear.

I understand what you are saying, but how long is long enough? What if we wait too long? DH is 30 and I'm 27. His mom just keeps telling him that we should wait it out for 5 or so years and then if nothing, talk about making some changes. But in 5 years I'll be 33 and he'll be 35. My fear then turns to how much longer will we have? I would like to have more then one more child (I have a 7 year old from a previous marriage) but because it's taking so long this time, how long would it take to have another? I don't want to push him, but if I don't try to get him to talk, he never will. I'm at my breaking point with him. Do I just give up my dreams for a big family and being a stay at home mom just because he doesn't want to have a TINY surgery? Oh, I don't mean to rant to you guys. I just don't understand why he won't be reasonable enough to discuss our options. I've brought up IUI, IVF, and adoption and he's SLAMMED the door on those options too. So it feels hopeless. Thank you though! I really appreciate your input!

I understand what you are saying, but how long is long enough? What if we wait too long? DH is 30 and I'm 27. His mom just keeps telling him that we should wait it out for 5 or so years and then if nothing, talk about making some changes. But in 5 years I'll be 33 and he'll be 35. My fear then turns to how much longer will we have? I would like to have more then one more child (I have a 7 year old from a previous marriage) but because it's taking so long this time, how long would it take to have another? I don't want to push him, but if I don't try to get him to talk, he never will. I'm at my breaking point with him. Do I just give up my dreams for a big family and being a stay at home mom just because he doesn't want to have a TINY surgery? Oh, I don't mean to rant to you guys. I just don't understand why he won't be reasonable enough to discuss our options. I've brought up IUI, IVF, and adoption and he's SLAMMED the door on those options too. So it feels hopeless. Thank you though! I really appreciate your input!

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately, I don't think his desire to have a baby is great enough to make him go under the knife, no matter how long we tried. His theory is "if we have one, great. If not, that's fine too."

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately, I don't think his desire to have a baby is great enough to make him go under the knife, no matter how long we tried. His theory is "if we have one, great. If not, that's fine too."

This does not really answer your question (I think PP have done that) but it took us 9 years and I was 42 and my wife 39 when our daughter was finally conceived and born. Life does not end at 35. I think you deserve some answers as to why he is no to everything, but life and family does not end at 35.

This does not really answer your question (I think PP have done that) but it took us 9 years and I was 42 and my wife 39 when our daughter was finally conceived and born. Life does not end at 35. I think you deserve some answers as to why he is no to everything, but life and family does not end at 35.

Sorry for your situation, but I'm with Chad on this one. Â It sounds like he doesn't want any more kids but is afraid to tell you because it's what you want. Â

The only other thing that makes sense is that IUI, IVF, the surgery, etc is a shot to his masculinity. Â The old he couldn't get it done on his own mentality. Â Some guys can be very sensitive about that stuff. Â That said, I think it's the first option...he doesn't want anymore kids.

My wife and I struggled to conceive, lost the baby and are now struggling to conceive again. Â Like someone else that has trouble said, I would be willing to do whatever to "Get the Job Done" so to speak. Â But I want to have a baby.

Just my 2 cents.

Billy

Sorry for your situation, but I'm with Chad on this one. Â It sounds like he doesn't want any more kids but is afraid to tell you because it's what you want. Â

The only other thing that makes sense is that IUI, IVF, the surgery, etc is a shot to his masculinity. Â The old he couldn't get it done on his own mentality. Â Some guys can be very sensitive about that stuff. Â That said, I think it's the first option...he doesn't want anymore kids.

My wife and I struggled to conceive, lost the baby and are now struggling to conceive again. Â Like someone else that has trouble said, I would be willing to do whatever to "Get the Job Done" so to speak. Â But I want to have a baby.

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