October 9, 2001

The non-linearity of my consciousness creates an intricate web of referencees. This web I can navigate with the speed of a spider; as I know my own web, but others do not. I have met only one who's streams of intelligence match my own in such a way that she is able to know what I am thinking. It is an amazing thing, this telepathy. This complexity, I don't call it a short attention span. I call it bifurcation. As I live and breathe I twist and fly and navigate my thoughts.

Politcally I can see that this war too is also about ecconomics and I am not deaf to the arguments that the mujahadin are American made... but like I said I draw the line at music. True this is simplifying the issue a bit... but I HAVE to simplify it. I feel it would also be an oversimplification of the issue to say the US is acting imperialisticly and deserves to have it's ass kicked.

I am a person who protested the Gulf War, organized protests, caused property damage, tried to stop the war machine and ended up in jail for my efforts... we know how the Gulf War ended.

It's different this time, just as it was in Bosnia and Kosovo where I supported NATO action. Now it's just the US and England and I am supporting this millitary action.

Civillians and innocents will die. They allways do, weather a homeless man on the streets of Manhattan in Wintertime or a UN employee working to rid Afghanistan of mines from the Soviet invasion.

I also believe in karma and the wheel of life and that there is more than meets the eye when we speak of the world. This is not the final destination, just a stopover, and I have been to this station before.

Maybe I'm just feeling guilty for supporting the US military and Bush in their warplans. Maybe I'm just conflicted with my anti-American sentiments that still flow through my brain (I am an American).

I don't know, maybe I'm just sad about the email I recieved from my disfunctional mother this morning.

I wish the world was different but it isn't. It is what it is in all it's beauty and horror. I live in it. It affects me sometimes when I'm not being too selfish.

Although all the ~5 noders who care about this crap have already been informed of the stuff that happened during the period of inactivity, I'll bring you up to speed anyway.
The army still refuses to let me go. My life long dream to become a C-class person - freed from any military service during times of peace - is as far from becoming reality as it was 4 years ago. Once again, they stated I am clearly in too good of a mental and physical condition to get C!d, but instead of handing me B-class papers forcing me to military/civil service they simply gave me 3 more years of postponement.
I'm not really pissed off by the decision. After all, it's the second best thing to getting C!d. I most likely have to do my time in civil service, but at least I can decide by myself when to leave the application.
But what does this say about the state of Finland's defense? That guys like me are considered fit to serve in such tasks? I aren't the most insane person there is - apart from extremely low self-esteem and occasional short temper, I guess I'm more or less a stablehuman being. But in terms of motivation and dealing with authority? Hah! The politicians are constantly talking about closing down training camps and scaling down the military. 99% of young male Finns answered in a study* that they would enter military service even if it wasn't mandatory. So what use to they have for a guy who doesn't give a rat's ass and would rather be anywhere else? And the physical part.. Don't get me started. While I've slowly been getting into a better shape than I was a few years ago, I still am the athletic equivalent of a big rock. Why the hell would they want me being there slowing others down and being in the way?

In non-army-related "news".. I had a two week vacation,
the first one since I started working in this company! For some strange reason I abandoned my plans of doing nothing for 2 weeks, and instead started cleaning out the closets and shelves in my pigsty. One useless desk plus a ton of trash later, the place is almost starting to look like a place someone could live in. Come to think of it, working feels more of a holiday than all the manual labor did. :)
I didn't initially plan to take some time off E2 as well, but there simply was no time to node. And afterwards there hasn't been much desire for it anyway - as you might have guessed from reading my home node. Perhaps I'll regain my will to contribute some day..

*SIGH*

Well...I can't be certain anyone is going to particularly care this is the first post for me in a while. Whenever I've got something I want to say, I bring it here, I guess. Maybe I could call E2 my journal, because instead of writing on actual paper, I choose to write it on a website for all to see.

I'm back to being the same ol' me again right now. I'm having relationship problems. Anyone who's been around E2 long enough knows that's pretty much all I talk (read as bitch) about. But it feels better when I talk about it, so it's really not for your enjoyment, is it.

I'm listening to Incubus's new CD. I like it. I don't usually like slower bands like this, but I like this CD. Especially a song called 'Wish You Were Here'. Very nice song. It's weird that I should start liking the song (especially the lyrics) at a time like this.

Anyways, I better go take a shower...I've got classes to go to. Enjoy your days today. Hope to see you all around sometime.

I think there's an resonating frequency for every part of the thinking day, which when discovered can cause unexpected effects. Colours in the air, nausea, oscillation out of control. I've hit on mine accidentally for right now, and it's mix tapes. Mix.. tapes. I am grooving in my chair and counting the hours until I get home to bust out the minidiscs, an activity that hasn't crossed my mind in months.

School is long and lots, but I think the worst part has been being lonely. I spent this weekend with one family (mine) after another (his) and realized how strange it seemed, to get to be around people. I should call a meet or something, or go walk my imaginary dog, or what.

I hate shopping for bras. There is, doubtless, some arcane code page somewhere explaining the sizes and how they relate to actual human bodies in a way which doesn't involve calipers or divinely inspired meditation, but I haven't hit upon it yet. It would be, naturally, too much to ask that there be a measuring tape anywhere within 3 miles of Sears. 2.5 hours later, I emerge, shaken, with two expensive pieces of articulated clothing, looking alien even to I who have been eyeing them and their kin for hours on end. Floral print flying buttresses. When I get home, the weird-out has passed and I put one on. Ahh. Worth it.

I am beginning to develop a spring fever for moving again. I'll be moving anyhow in less than 3 months, but it's getting so hard to defer myself from combing the classifieds, visiting IKEA, and trying to guess if the cats AND my perishables can safely be transported in one trip, a kind of "fox, hen, grain, and farmer must cross the river in a small rowboat" puzzle that doesn't really need to be solved.

Arrrrg I have got to stop staying up till 3:30 am on E2 and MSN Chat. Woke up this
morning 4 minutes after I had planned to leave the house. Once again, ran out of the house
after just throwing on a sweater and some deodorant. It was cold this morning, but it got
much too warm later on to be wearing a sweater.

Had to head
back home because in my rush to get out of the house, I forgot my suit. I needed it for
later in the evening because my chapter of the Fraternity of Phi Gamma Delta was
doing pledging. So far it seems like we got a bunch of quality guys, but time
will tell.

School(University of Western Ontario) and work (a biotech lab) are going... I wouldn't say well or unwell... just going. I'm finding myself to be increasingly lazy, this probably the cause of them not going as good as I'd like.

University was seeming really different and alien to me, but today I feel better about it. I was hanging out with a couple people, my lab partner, and a friend's brother, and it felt like school again, not an institution of education, but more like highschool.
I ran into a bunch of people on the way to where we hung out (the Nucleus Cafe, the science cafeteria). I also felt pretty good because I knew about this Cafe, which the other two really didn't seem to know about. I felt like I was becomming familiar with everything, and fitting in.
It was nice to hang out with people, because most of the time I'm by myself, and then this person who I like, but not all that that much, comes to sit beside me, and then we're joined by all of their friends. Who all speak a different language. What fun.

I'm really dissapointed with University in some ways. At first i was told that there would be study groups set up with other off-campus students, which there haven't been, and mid-terms start soon. And nobody tells you anything. I have no idea where to go for things I want/need. Everything that you could sing up to be a part of happenned in the first 2 weeks, and I was pretty much clueless then, so now I'm out of luck. Oh well... theres always next year!

One thing I REALLY don't like about university is the realization of just how many people are judgemental nasties.
Here's an example:
A guy and his friend sit next to me in my math lecture, which is gigantic and impersonal.
"Hey how's it going?" he says
"I'm good, you?"
"Not bad.... So what res are you in?" he seems pretty friendly at this point.
"Oh I live off campus,(he gives me a funny look) what about you?"
"Med-Syd (a short form). So where do you live?" he asks, with a sort of 'ohoh, the answer to this one is unpleasant to me' look.
I maintain a friendly aura, "With my parents."
His look changes, he is displeased with the answer. "Oohh. Why?" His tone becomes offensive.
"Well, I get along with my parents, and it's free."
He nods and maintains his disgusted face. "You like living there??"
"Yea, sure, my parents don't have a lot of rules for me." I'm thinking of saying something like 'my mommy and daddy don't have the 10,000 a year to fork out for me, and maybe I don't want to live in a loud drunk house.' but I remain calm.
"I love res, its fun."
"Oh yea..."

And so ends our conversation with the beginning of the lecture. I was acutally pretty pissed off at this guy. He tried to make me feel like crap because its my choice to live with my parents and not leech off of them all money possible? And that I don't want to have to share a room the size of my current bedroom with another person? And that I like home cooked meals, and peace and quiet and personal space?
I considered moving away from home, but theres no real program anywhere else that I want that isn't here, and I like my family and this is my home.
So up yours Mr. closed-minded res dweller!

Ahh... :)

On a completely different note, I've recently become interested in growing house plants. I have 3 spider plants, 1 croton (funny name), 1 african violet, and 8 cacti. I want more! Everytime I go somewhere that has plants I get excited. Now I want a tall one... so that I don't have to buy somehting to put it on... there's no more room near my window!

Life has come to a stand still. Everything has become pointless and extremly redundant. I've lost all my will power, I've lost all my motivation. Soon I think that my life will just come to an end. Not literally though, metaphorically. My mind is almost gone. I've lost all my sanity, with no hint of any temporary sanity. Everything is just too bland.

I want more out of things. I want more out of my life, yet I just don't seem to be getting more. Instead I get less. I've looked for love, even affection, and I just haven't been able to find what I really want.

I damn the way that my life has been. I damn everything. I'm lost and have no fucking guide. No one is willing to take me on wing and lead me through this point in my life. It's too much for me. I just wish for some of this stress to leave. I don't want these things upon my shoulders any longer.
I've been reading through nodes lately and have found several people obsessed with things. Things I will not mention, but dear lord, its a fucking massive obsession. Am I as obsessed as this person? Am I?