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Wife Wants A Threesome

Dan and Carrie give non-monogamy advice: How do you have threesomes if your spouse is unattractive?

Dan: You see what I mean? That's a tough one, isn't it? Although I will say this: Something I noticed right off the bat was that this woman wasn't being honest with herself. Not at all. Nor was she being honest when she wrote me this email. Let me give you an example.

At the very beginning of the letter, she explains that when her relationship with her now-husband first started, the guy was fine with the fact that she occasionally slept with other women. But at some point, he obviously came to the realization that Karen enjoyed her girlfriend's naked body more than she enjoyed his. Naturally, it was after that point that he changed his tune about Karen's dangerous liaisons: It was no longer alright, unless he was right there in the room with the two of them.

But in the next paragraph of Karen's email, she says this: "He and I are only ok with it as long as we're both involved—every time."

Well... not exactly. It's clear as day that Karen's husband isn't comfortable with the idea of his wife screwing around without him. But when she says, "He and I are only ok with it as long as we're both involved," that's just complete bullshit. It sounds to me as if she's practically dying to fuck this friend by herself, and to be completely honest, I don't blame her. After all, if the friend isn't into fat guys, but the husband shows up and starts putting his dick into everything that moves, that's going be one seriously awkward scene!

Carrie: First, I'd tell her it's pretty obvious that both she and her husband need to take a step back, and really talk about a few things. I don't think this woman is being honest with herself at all, in my opinion.

I think it's also obvious that she really hurt her husband the last time they did this, and even though he may want to do it again, he also wants more control over the situation this time. And, at least subconsciously, he wants to stick it to his wife a little bit by getting a stripper for their threesome.

Karen's trying to cover her ass by saying the stripper idea isn't "smart," and that strippers aren't "clean." The truth, of course, is there are plenty of clean strippers out there. (The husband isn't even asking to get a prostitute, after all, which would be a lot more risky). I think Karen knows full well why she's afraid to get a stripper: She's afraid her husband will find the stripper more attractive than her. And I think the husband knows this, too. He's probably using this as a way to get back at her for hurting him the first time around.

Dan: I think what it comes down to is this: Karen is probably a very sweet, very kind-hearted woman. But she's also human, and she has sexual needs like everyone else. For her, these obviously include having sex with her best friend. And yet her husband's insecurity about his weight is the only real reason this is a problem. But because Karen doesn't want to risk offending her husband by having a real, honest conversation about his weight, or about their sexual boundaries, or for that matter anything else, she's turned to me.

And I know what she wants me to tell her. She wants me to say that her husband knew what he was getting himself into when they got married, and now he's being unreasonable and unfair, and she should do whatever the hell she wants. But you know what? That's simply not the case. I mean, she married this guy! And if there's anything that's almost guaranteed to destroy the foundation of a long-term relationship, it's lack of communication. And that's something that appears to have been going on in this relationship for quite some time.

Carrie: I think both Karen and her husband are asking for a lot of trouble in their relationship if they don't talk honestly with each other before doing this. The husband needs a forum to explain how he felt the last time they had a threesome.

And Karen needs to be able to talk to her husband about sensitive topics as well. It's a really bad sign that she's not even able to discuss his weight with him, especially when you consider how big of a factor that's become in their search for sexual partners.

I found something else about her question a bit troubling. Did you notice how she didn't mention anything about the third party? I think these two are so worried about themselves, and about what they want, that they haven't even thought about out how they're going to handle this new addition to their relationship. For example, is this something they just want to experience once? Or do they want it to be an ongoing thing with someone specific? If they do want it to be ongoing, they'll need to realize that the third partner is most likely going to want something out of the relationship too.

Dan: Before Karen so much as makes out with her girlfriend again, she needs to have a long heart-to-heart with her husband. The two of them are obviously not communicating with each other. They need to lay it all on the line. They need to decide what they're comfortable with as far as their sex life goes. Bottom line: Karen has to be honest with her husband about what she wants. She can't keep pussy-footing around the situation forever, or eventually someone is bound to explode!

Carrie:: We know the wife wants spontaneity—or so she says—while the husband wants more control. I think they can find an element of both by trying out adult dating sites, likeAdultFriendFinder.com. That way, there will still be some element of surprise, but both Karen and her husband can be in control by selecting a girl together, and by laying out any ground rules they may have.

They might also consider trying a few swingers clubs. Most of these places are no-pressure clubs, and considering the husband has been hurt in the past, it might not be a bad idea to get started a little slower this time around. By going this route, they can be sure nobody's getting hurt in the process.

Many couples interested in swinging start out by just making out with someone else together. Slowly, they might work their way up to having sex with this other person. And eventually, they may even move towards a relationship.

But if these two really do love each other, like Karen says, and if they really do have a great sex life together, like Karen says, then there's absolutely no reason they should feel the need to rush into anything.

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