(Closed) Reduce or Cancel? Courthouse Only? MAJOR DRAMA

We have had some major drama surrounding our wedding and now I’m not so sure that inviting 230 people is a good idea (especially since we aren’t close to a lot of those being invited by FI’s side where the drama is coming from). I can’t eat or sleep (I’ve lost about 5 pounds since Tuesday) and I just want to scream!

Everything began when Future Sister-In-Law wasn’t forthcoming about wanting to be in the wedding and just expected me to read her mind. After her mother insisted (still hadn’t heard a word from FSIL) I agreed and let her in the wedding party. I also asked her why she wanted to be in the wedding since she and I have never had anything resembling a relationship. Response (it’s not pretty…. skip ahead if that’s not your kind of thing): I’m a “fucking cunt ass, gold digging, bitch who is going to get knocked up after the wedding forcing Fiance to give up his dream of earning a Ph.D so he can get a real job to support me and the baby because I’ve never worked a day in my life, don’t plan to, will live off his paycheck forever and eventually also his inheritance.” During all of this she also threatened several times to not show up to the wedding. We had a family meeting to try to fix things with a mediator present to keep me from feeling ganged up on. Well, the only way that would happen is if everyone sided with Future Sister-In-Law, which they did, including the neutral mediator. I had even been encouraged beforehand to stand up for myself rather than avoiding confrontation. The take home message from that meeting was that I needed to respect her feelings. How do I respect any of that? She’s too inmature to tell me what she wants and why without cursing and throwing around baseless insults when I don’t understand something and I’m the problem?!?!

Things got quiet, but I didn’t feel things were right without an apology or even confirmation from everyone else that they didn’t agree with her outrageous accusations. Last month we were planning on going from Atlanta to Chicago for a family wedding. Plane fare jumped at the last minute and we needed a cheaper way to travel and thought we’d just tag along with the rest of the family since they were driving. That sent Future Sister-In-Law through the roof and nearly resulted in nobody going to the wedding. We ended up driving ourselves because we didn’t want to miss it and things got quiet again, but still not right.

Queue the latest problem–she buys a dress that is so similar to my mother’s that they would look like they planned it on purpose, knowing full well what color and style my mother would be wearing ahead of time. (Think: http://www.osoblog.tv/diane_von_fustenburg_warehouse_stripe_dress.jpg) Because it was a big deal to my mother to not have people comparing and critiqueing her beside Future Sister-In-Law she said she’d deal with it and I wouldn’t have to be involved which I thought sounded like a good idea (lol in retrospect). My mom called her mom and explained the situation and how important it was for her and even described the time she wore the same dress as MOB and felt horrible because of it. Her mom kept insisting that FSIL’s dress was *the* dress, but eventually backed down and even remembered that the store carried it in beige and they could easily exchange it. We thought that would be the end of it, but one should never underestimate the self-centered power of a 19 year old drama queen.

Her reaction to being asked simply to wear a different color was to yell and curse at my mom and call her immature after being thanked for graciously understanding the situation. Her mother was very apologetic and even said she was proud of her for not cursing (we didn’t realize she started all of this by sending a message on facebook and that’s where all of the cursing was). I also received a lot of messages calling me a crybaby and stuff which I wasn’t going to respond to, but her mother asked me to please try to smooth things over so against my better judgment I sent her a message apologizing for there being confusion over the color of the dress, and telling her that I wanted her at the wedding, basically trying to make everyone stop fighting at the cost of being able to stay out of it. She spent about four hours on the phone talking to Fiance about how I’m psychologically manipulating him and he needs to get his head out of his ass because everyone else can see it except for him. I probably shouldn’t have kept pressing, but I’m tired of being walked all over and decided to stand up for myself for once in regard to her and sent the text that broke the camel’s back: Would you be happy if we called off the wedding and broke up? Her response was that she didn’t have a problem with our relationship but with how I don’t respect her or her relationship with her brother (really? REALLY?!?!?!?). Later that night she talked to her brother one last time in which she told him that he can deal with not having her at the wedding or in the rest of his life and he can pretty much say good bye to the rest of his family, too.

AUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankfully she doesn’t actually get to speak for anyone but herself and her decisions are her own to deal with and not the fault of anyone else. We’re all invited to a family friend’s house for Passover seder tomorrow and we’re torn about going because of the potential for our presence to ruin everyone else’s evening, but that’s just a drop in the bucket compared to everything else. All of this has been hard of everyone, especially Fiance since he’s basically the rope in a game of nuclear tug of war. I don’t think I’ve left anything out, but there’s so much to be angry and hurt about that I’m sure I missed half of the story. The wedding is only 51 days away but we haven’t sent out invitations yet (school and work schedule kept us from putting them together before this upcoming weekend–they’re going to hit the mailbox on Monday) and I’m just not sure what to do anymore.

Honestly, I would dis-invite her. Horrible as that sounds, she is going to be a huge stain on that wedding and it seems like she has no intention of acting kindly or politely at the wedding. I would get Fiance to sit with her and tell her that she has the choice to knock it off, treat you with respect, or not come and let her know that this decision is good until the MOMENT you get married.

As a sidenote, I have NEVER said that on this site before and have read lots of these “my ____ is crazy” stories, but I think having her at the wedding is a very, very bad idea. Even if you do a courthouse wedding, she will still want to be there.

Forgetting things–she’s also threatened to show up at our apartment if we didn’t talk to her…..

@takemyhand: Fiance and I, in a weird sort of alternate universe way, hope that she shows up and causes some major league trouble because her family won’t be able to deny she needs my help and my family will make sure that anything she does to embarass herself will be magnified about 10 fold by how they handle her. That being said, my parents get to choose who is and isn’t invited and her name won’t be on the invitation and that’s fully supported by me and Fiance.

@abarber3: My FI’s father and step-mom are not invited to our wedding for similar craziness. I would suggest that you have a “lookout” person who is able to discretely escort her off the premises WHEN she shows up…. Ours is my father and our wedding coordinator.

If she is harrassing you, I’d start documenting it as best you can and threaten to file a police report. If something does go completely crazy, as least the police will be aware of what is going on and you will have history to prove that she is trying to…er… not even sure what she is trying to do!

Wow! That’s brutal. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. My SO’s parents have been so excepting to me and he’s an only child. His friends are like his siblings and we al get along nicely!

I really hope that you stand by your decision of not having her as a guest for YOUR special day. That the baby have her bottle! It’s also nice to see that your Fiance is in agreement with your stance! All the best!

I would elope as well. This is just a powder keg waiting to explode unfortunately.

Who was the neutral mediator? I’m curious why s/he took the family’s side. Was s/he truly neutral? Is there any truth to what the family is saying? You sound so reasonable in your post that I’m totally befuddled about what’s going on here.

We already have a fantastic venue (http://www.chattoogabellefarm.com), so I really just can’t decide between giving it up (as well as the things we’ve already planned and were really excited about) to go somewhere she doesn’t know about (whether it be a different venue or the courthouse).

I’ve had a little bit more sleep (not enough) and remembered a few more things, namely some of the things she’s said to me. “I’m constantly attacking her; I’m trying to ruin her life; and I’m trying to break apart the family.” Neither my mom or I have raised our voices or said anything even a little bit mean or nasty toward her during all of this and, well, I’m just really glad that a lot of people see her for who she really is and that I’m not actually crazy and missing the cues.

Hello no, don’t let this little spoild B ruin your wedding. Postpone if you have too, chop their side of the guest list with all the drama. Why give her the statifaction. Your Fi needs to step in and tell her in no uncertain terms what he is going to tolerate and not tolerate. Block her from facebook, don’t take her texts or reply to her nonesense. Your Fi should be the only one communicating with her. This is beyond crazy. I can’t tell if your Future Mother-In-Law agrees with her, or if it’s the case of a spoiled brat with a parent not being able to rein in her daughter. Either way she needs a talking too also. No way in hell would I have a 19 year old dictating my life, or speaking to my mother in that fashion. I’m pissed off for you!

@abarber3: I love your venue. But I love what the above PP said. Your Fiance needs to set her straight. If she does not come to the wedding so be it. I would have your big wedding but I would have her step down as Bridesmaid or Best Man. She is not worth it whatsoever. She is disrespectful to you.

@LuvMySailor: Glad I already stood up for myself on that one! As soon as she had something negative to say she was out and I wouldn’t consider looking back. Planning parties and stuffing envelopes and shelling out money for dresses and travel and such might come with the territory of being a bridesmaid, but the ONLY responsibility in my book is to provide as much emotional support as is needed. Thankfully, that’s exactly what my girls are best at doing!

So the first night of passover (which happened to be FI’s birthday) was a pretty big disaster. We didn’t know who’s house it was at or where it would be so we stopped by his house with what we thought wasn’t enough time for anything to happen. I stayed in the car to avoid any conflict and ended up receiving the brunt of an all out attack when his sister took the spare set of keys that her father has for emergencies. She unlocked FI’s car, climbed into the driver’s seat and screamed/cursed at me for an hour and a half. I think I would have felt more comfortable being the only female on a navy sub after 6 months at sea. I didn’t say a word to her the entire time and just smiled and laughed and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. My blood pressure was through the roof and I could hear and feel my entire body throbbing with every heartbeat and my arms and legs went cold and then numb from the adrenaline rush and I was incredibly nauseous.

The best part is I was on the phone with my mother at the time and Future Sister-In-Law from hell “challenged” me to not hang up and let her hear what was going on, too. So my mom/brother/brother’s girlfriend all gathered around to listen. My family had basically the same physical reaction as me even though they weren’t there. She was so loud that my dad, who was in the kitchen cooking dinner while the phone and everyone else were on the other side of the house could hear some of the specifics of what she was saying! They are all so shocked and offended by what she did and we really don’t know how handle the situation anymore.

Fiance caught on to what she was doing and climbed into the backseat. His father also joined us but shortly traded places with his brother who had a little more success turning down the volume and the viewer rating and getting us to seder just in time for it to be over.

By The Way… Invitations started going out today! What we have decided is that no matter how big or small our wedding is, if she’s there and does something to try to ruin the day we’ll be surrounded by people who won’t let it stand. But, if we invite everyone we originally intended to, we’ll have more people there who will back us up in the situation. If nothing happens we’ll be disappointed that we didn’t have as many of our friends and family there with us.

Not only would I not invite her, I also wouldn’t invite the rest of his crazy family that seems to condone her bad behaviour. Where is your Fiance in all of this? Why isn’t he standing up for you and telling them to cut the bullshit or none of them will be invited?

If it were me, I would be either be planning my wedding without his family, or eloping to an island.