Remember how great the Andre Invitational Battle Royal was last year? Well, this year isn’t that. This year’s match, much like all of WrestleMania 31, is leaving a lot to be desired and it’s really hard to care about. WWE probably sensed this and asked Jon Gruden to give the match the final push it needed to become interesting.

Let’s get to the meat of the video, here: Jon Gruden’s analysis of Titus O’Neil is worth the price of admission. First Gruden accurately names the Omega bark then he impersonates it. By “impersonates it” I mean, “butchers it beyond repair.” Jesus, this is comedy.

While we’re here, I’ll go ahead and say that I wish Curtis Axel’s gimmick was that he never goes over the top rope in any of his matches and even when he loses he celebrates that he’s still in the Rumble. But what do I know?

Anyway, HOORAH HOORAH HOORAH.

]]>http://uproxx.com/prowrestling/2015/03/heres-jon-gruden-predicting-andre-the-giant-invitational-winners-and-doing-a-hilarious-titus-oneil-impression/feed/9gruden wwedaviddtssgruden barkKLEARINGHOUSE: J.J. Watt is just a terrific young manhttp://uproxx.com/ksk/2014/10/klearinghouse-j-j-watt-is-just-a-terrific-young-man/
http://uproxx.com/ksk/2014/10/klearinghouse-j-j-watt-is-just-a-terrific-young-man/#commentsWed, 01 Oct 2014 19:46:48 +0000http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=94463 declined Dwight Howard’s offer to teach him how to do the “Nae Nae” dance which is something that is apparently a thing that I should know about.]]>

-In case you haven’t heard, J.J. Watt is an outstanding, hard-working human being that is perfect. He must have finally gotten around to reading page 2 of his “What do rich people buy?” Google search because he went out and bought his momma a nice car.

— Kyle Orton is in a competition with himself to see who can look the way that everyone hopes Kyle Orton looks. His neckbeard seems to have migrated north to just above the hole he shoves whiskey into.

Meanwhile Sarah Sprague thinks he looks more like some rando emo kid who looks like he cares too much about baseball:

— Let’s check in on the Raiders coaching search, shall we? Oh cool so Jon Gruden says that he doesn’t want to return to the sidelines. The nice thing about firing your coach this early in the season is that you get first crack at your Joe Philbins, your Jeff Fishers, your Jason Garretts, your Mike Smiths, and your Marc Trestmans when they get fired on black Monday.

If I were an NFL player there’s no chance I would ever bench myself in my fantasy league. I wouldn’t care if I was a 4th stringer, there are only a finite number of Sundays that you can literally be your own fantasy, and I would take full advantage of that.

]]>http://uproxx.com/ksk/2014/10/klearinghouse-j-j-watt-is-just-a-terrific-young-man/feed/59unnamed (2)kissingsuzykolberunnamed (2)So Jon Gruden And The Hooters Girls Made A Commercial Togetherhttp://uproxx.com/sports/2014/08/so-jon-gruden-and-the-hooters-girls-made-a-commercial-together/
http://uproxx.com/sports/2014/08/so-jon-gruden-and-the-hooters-girls-made-a-commercial-together/#commentsFri, 08 Aug 2014 19:40:03 +0000http://uproxx.com/?p=657542 Kate Upton showed up on my TV and then Jon Gruden made a commercial with Hooters girls and then, well, I don’t know where we go from here guys.]]>

I woke up this morning and said, “Isaac, you’re going to keep it clean today. You’re going to post about important topics, like nuclear proliferation, the Israeli/Palestinian conflict and the subsequent geopolitical ramifications. And then Kate Upton showed up on my TV and then Jon Gruden made a commercial with Hooters girls and then, well, I don’t know where we go from here guys.

]]>http://uproxx.com/sports/2014/08/so-jon-gruden-and-the-hooters-girls-made-a-commercial-together/feed/5Jon Gruden HootersisaacandFrank Caliendo Invaded Jon Gruden’s QB Camp To Do The One Funny Thing He Doeshttp://uproxx.com/sports/2014/04/frank-caliendo-invaded-jon-grudens-qb-camp-to-do-the-one-funny-thing-he-does/
http://uproxx.com/sports/2014/04/frank-caliendo-invaded-jon-grudens-qb-camp-to-do-the-one-funny-thing-he-does/#commentsThu, 24 Apr 2014 20:25:27 +0000http://uproxx.com/?p=521284 and provided some comic relief with his cartoonish and admittedly amusing impression of the former Tampa Bay Bucs coach.]]>

ESPN

One of the true joys of the NFL offseason is not being exposed to the weekly antics of comedian/screamer Rob Riggle on Fox and especially the impression du jour of Frank Caliendo, who has long since found his perfect home at ESPN. Except, the problem with that is now that Jon Gruden has carved out a nice spot on the ESPN primetime pre-NFL Draft lineup with the Gruden QB Camp, it was only a matter of time before Caliendo came in and provided some comic relief with his cartoonish and admittedly amusing impression of the former Tampa Bay Bucs coach.

I’m just glad that he did this during Derek Carr’s session, because if he had interrupted my best friend Blake Bortles with this kind of nonsense, I would have given my TV a very stern look before doing absolutely nothing else about it.

]]>http://uproxx.com/sports/2014/04/frank-caliendo-invaded-jon-grudens-qb-camp-to-do-the-one-funny-thing-he-does/feed/2Caliendo as GrudenashleyuproxxCaliendo as GrudenCRAPPY NEW YEAR 2: BLACK MONDAY COACHES PARTYhttp://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/12/crappy-new-year-2-black-monday-coaches-party/
http://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/12/crappy-new-year-2-black-monday-coaches-party/#commentsTue, 31 Dec 2013 17:45:00 +0000http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=78805 Once a year though , this room is used as an outreach center for coaches bloodied on Black Monday at the end of the season.]]>

In the basement of the NFL offices, there is a small room used for staff meetings, Bagel Fridays and the monthly office birthday party with the chantilly cream and strawberry cake that Jennifer in legal always orders because she knows it’s Rog’s favorite. Such a suck up, that Jennifer.

Once a year though, this room is used as an outreach center for coaches bloodied on Black Monday at the end of the season. A safe place where they can gather and talk without judgement and fear. The tenor of the room is always a bit bleak, but when Black Monday falls right before New Year’s Eve, the annual gathering of the recently disposed is a tad sadder than usual.

Let’s listen in.

Rob Chudzinski: Awww, peanuts. I’m the first one here. This is just embarrassing. Do I just sit here and wait for the others before pouring a drink? Do I just make myself at home? I thought for certain Kubiak would be here first. Christ, I hope no one thinks I’m hosting and I have to also stay late to clean up this mess.

Andy Reid: [comes out from hiding under the buffet] Oh, hey Chud. Don’t worry. I’m here for you, you’re not alone in this buddy.

Rob Chudzinski: What are you doing here, Fat Andy?

Andy Reid: Hate to say it, but I had a craving for the crab rangoons they served last year and I needed a place to lay low where I’d probably not run into Tomlin. You probably know how that feels, wanting to stay away from Mike Tomlin. Sorry. Heard about Jimmy Haslam leaving the game early on Sunday. Um… Sorry. Crab rangoon?

Gary Kubiak: Nearly had a stroke this year and you’re two ribs served with a loaf of sliced white bread away from your own, so no thanks. Just stopping by real quick before Schiano got here. Would be be awkward since I’m probably taking his old job.

Lovie Smith: [crawling out from underneath the buffet] Not so fast! You have to get past me first for the Tampa job.

Gary Kubiak: You can’t come to the fired coaches party if you weren’t just fired. This is supposed to be a support group. Get out of here, Lovie.

Lovie Smith: So supportive you won’t be a Schiano Man and look Schiano in the eye? Please. I’m going to take that Tampa Bay job from you, but first I’m going to go interview for your old job first. I’ve got an offensive coordinator ready to go, I’ve got a Devin Hester ready to follow. What do you have? Turning a team to rubble after losing the AFC championship? If it wasn’t for your team’s demise, we might be standing here next to John Harbaugh and the Harbaughs are much more fun at parties than you are.

Leslie Frazier: So this is what this room looks like. Sorry guys, thought I’d be here sooner. Decided to fly instead of driving and got stuck at the airport for too long.

Mike Shanahan: Just like your team. Could have rode a great running back to at least an 8-8 season and instead you threw the ball even in short yardage situations. You’re an idiot, Frazier. Do you know what I could have done with a Peterson?

Jim Schwartz: Destroyed another set of knees? You shouldn’t be criticizing anyone, Shanny.

Andy Reid: When did all these other people show up? Oh dear. Is Mike Munchak on his way? Jason Garrett? Do we have enough crab rangoon? A Schiano Man doesn’t run out of appetizers and THE ACTUAL Schiano Man is still coming. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Let me shut that door so no one else can sneak in.

/door flies open

Jon Gruden: WILL YOU PIPE DOWN, FAT ANDY. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY? WE’VE HAD THIS PARTY BEFORE AND NOT ONCE HAVE WE RUN OUT OF CRAB DESPITE HIM SHOWING UP TWICE WHEN HE STILL HAD A JOB.

Jon Gruden: I’M NOT, BUT ONCE A FIRED COACH, ALWAYS A FIRED COACH. WHICH MEANS YOU LEAVE SMITH ALONE, KUBIAK. I EXPECT WE’LL SEE YOU HERE AT LEAST ONE MORE TIME, KOOBS. ALSO I MIGHT TOTALLY BE INTERESTED IN A JOB JUST TO SEE WHAT’S OUT THERE. GIVES ME A CHANCE TO WATCH TAPE IN SIX DIFFERENT FRONT OFFICES AND WHO WOULDN’T LOVE TO FLY AROUND TO WATCH TAPE ALL DAY. NOT THIS GUY, I’LL TELL YOU THAT.

Jim Schwartz: None of that made any sense and you contradicted yourself.

Jon Gruden: THAT’S BECAUSE I WORK IN THE MEDIA NOW AND I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT AND THEN CONTRADICT MYSELF LESS THAN TWO SECONDS LATER. ISN’T IT GREAT? OF COURSE IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. IF LIFE MADE SENSE I’D STILL BE COACHING IN TAMPA, NOT SHARING TIME WITH THAT GUY WHO SLEEPS IN SPIDER-MAN PAJAMAS, TIRICO. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THAT GUY, HE’S NICE AND ALL BUT I CANNOT ABIDE A GUY WHO STILL SLEEPS IN FOOTIE PAJAMAS. STILL IF IT MAKES HIM HAPPY AND HE KNOWS ABOUT FOOTBALL, THAT GUY CAN WEAR WHAT HE WANTS.

Jon Gruden: SCOUTING SPIDER-MAN PAJAMAS? THIS GUY, MAN. HOW DO I KNOW? I JUST SAY WHAT THE GIRL TYPING THIS POST SAYS I SAY AND WHO CARES IF IT’S REAL.

Mike Shanahan: I know how that feels.

Jon Gruden: I TOLD YOU, THIS GUY IS IN THE MEDIA AND I’LL SAY I’M NOT INTERESTED IN COACHING, EVEN IF THIS GUY IS INTERESTED IN COACHING. TROY AIKMAN SAYS I AM INTERESTED IN COACHING, SO IT’S STILL UP FOR DEBATE. MAYBE I STILL AM. THAT GUY KNOWS MORE ABOUT FOOTBALL THAN ANY OF YOU EVER WILL. ANYWAY, I’M OUT OF HERE. JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW THIS CLASS OF FIRED COACHES WAS DOING. BY THE LOOKS OF THINGS, NOT WELL AND SCHIANO IS STILL IN THE PARKING LOT TRYING TO FIX A LEAK IN HIS TIRE. OR MAYBE THE LEAK IN HIS MOUTH. SAME THING. THAT GUY FULL OF HOT AIR AND LIES.

Gary Kubiak: Schiano is here? Crap! Everybody hide!

[Entire party hides under the buffet.]

Greg Schiano: Where did everyone go? No way I beat Chud here. Wait, I was told there were going to be snacks here too. Did they eat everything and leave? How rude. A Schiano Man makes sure there is enough for everybody to share. Guess I’m just going to have to wait here until someone comes back with an explanation and some moist towelettes.

[Sound of muffed wrestling is heard under the table. A tiny cry of “Noooo!” is quickly hushed.]

[Tray of crab rangoons slides out from underneath the table.]

Greh Schiano [Biting into a crab rangoon]: This is definitely worse than tracking college football coaches’ flights.

]]>http://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/12/crappy-new-year-2-black-monday-coaches-party/feed/17CrappyNewYearkissingsuzykolberCrappyNewYearJon Gruden Was At His Most Gruden On Monday Nighthttp://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/10/jon-gruden-gruden-monday-night/
http://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/10/jon-gruden-gruden-monday-night/#commentsTue, 29 Oct 2013 12:43:22 +0000http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=73749

Though Seahawks-Rams went down to the very end, few would have imagined going in that it would be much of a contest. Which might explain why Jon Gruden prepared for the game took an extra strength dose of whatever drug Gruden uses. No matter the reason, Chucky was extra crazy during this week’s MNF, whether it was singing at the outset of the broadcast or dropping quotes like this: “He comes faster than a speeding bullet. That’s why I nicknamed him The Roadrunner, Mike. Because if he catches you, you’re through.”

]]>http://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/10/jon-gruden-gruden-monday-night/feed/43mquinnkissingsuzykolberAlfred Morris Reunited with “Bentley,” Others Get Similar Car Lovehttp://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/10/alfred-morris-reunited-bentley-others-get-similar-car-love/
http://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/10/alfred-morris-reunited-bentley-others-get-similar-car-love/#commentsMon, 14 Oct 2013 13:59:46 +0000http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=72206 decided to refurbish his vehicle back to factory freshness as best they could, including an engine tuneup and fixing a cracked dashboard .]]>

Bucking the trend of buying fancy rides upon entering the NFL, Washington Redskins running back Alfred Morris has kept it simple. His daily driver is a 1991 Mazda 626 nicknamed “Bentley” despite signing a $2.2 million rookie contract. Mazda caught wind of his love for his car and decided to refurbish his vehicle back to factory freshness as best they could, including an engine tuneup and fixing a cracked dashboard. He’s set to receive his beloved this week to cruise the streets of DC in style.

Other automakers are seeing this as a way to gain unofficial endorsements, and are following suit by showing appreciation to current and past NFL players and coaches by doing similar acts of kindness. Here are a few more vehicles being handed back to their owners…

Starting off the broadcast of the Monday night game between the Raiders and Broncos, Jon Gruden was asked to offer what advice he would give to his former team to pull an upset in Denver. It ended up being a tongue-in-cheek recap of a time that Gruden was humiliated by the Broncos, but it also proved rather prescient for what actually played out last night.

“I’m tired of hearing that, Mike. The Raiders have a shot tonight. They gotta run the football and that’s what they do best. Give it to McFadden and run it all night. The second thing they have to do is generate some turnovers from their defense. They must steal possessions from Manning. And the third thing is use the element of surprise. Use an onside kick, fake a field goal, do something to create points. But I’m tired of hearing about it. I was here in 1998 as the head coach of the Raiders, we had a young quarterback named Donald Hollas going up against Elway and I gave our team several reasons why we should win this game.”

– Terrelle Pryor made his fourth career start against a future Hall of Famer
– Oakland did try an array of trick plays – including a trick touchdown pass by Darren McFadden and an onside kick.
– The defense forced Peyton Manning to fumble, his first turnover of the season.
– Final score: 37-21. Not an exact match but that’s mostly a function of how scoring during garbage time played out.

Let me just say its a honor to be here celebrating Jon Grudens 50th birthday. Its obvi that Jons made many many friends around the league in his short time here. Looking around the stage tonight I see alot of people I grew up watching on TV, but in all fairness my Dad was somewhat of a Night Court buff. If you know anything about me you know Im a huge fan of the Pigskin, but Im apparently not the only one judging by Warren Sapps stack of empty porkrind bags at his feet. Its called a trashcan Warren, you know the thing where you keep your credit rating.

Warren honestly great to see you. Warren just got inducted to the hall of fame (wait for applause- like 1 guy claps) your too kind Mr. Eisen. Warrens had a rocky life post football, but hes looking forward to the next chapter in his career, Chapter 12.

Jeff Garcias here you talk about the ultimate Gruden Grindr folks. Jeff was a perfect fit for Jons West Coast offense, aka the only San Francisco horizontal play system that fits Jeff better then Craigslists casual encounters folks.

John Lynch is here no offense.

Glad to see Bucs Superbowl MVP Dexter Jackson could afford the bus fare to get here. Dexter you ok? Dexters never going to pawn his Superbowl ring except when hes using it as a chesspiece at his job in the park. Dexter played free safety, the only two words youll hear to describe anyone from Florida less often then “HIV negative.”

But we’re all here to celebrate the 50th birthday of Coach Jon Gruden. As a great football mind Jons known as a Robin Hood in the Urban Communities stealing jobs from the whitest football guys out there like Ron Jaworski and Tony Dungy.

Jons got a face for radio and a voice for telegraphy making his rise to the top a more unlikely success story then the last time Chris Simms wrote a check.

If I could talk about Chris Simms for a second, hes got Kyle Shanahans initials tattooed on his leg folks. Getting your old roomates name tattoed on your body is something you’d expect to see on Michael Vicks lower back fresh out of Leavenworth, but thats ridiculous.

But seriously Jon, we all appreciate you’re enthusiasm as a analyst. Sure you’ve got your catchphrases, in fact the only time Ive heard anyone say “THIS GUY” more often then Jon is when I played “who would you do?” with Kerry Rhodes during the Source awards.

Early in his Coaching career the Raiders traded Jon to the Buccaneers back in 2002 folks. Normally its a kiss of death when Oakland values your career as being worth two 1st rd draft picks, but Jon didnt let that phase him. In fact the next year Jon took the Bucs to the Superbowl. The team mantra that year was “pound the rock” and John brought a big granite rock into the lockeroom, which proved to be a disaster since Keyshawn Johnson kept trying to smoke it.

Folks Jon grew up in Sandusky, Ohio I mean come on. I guess its true what they say you can take the boy out of Sandusky but you can never take Sandusky out of the boy no offence.

THIS GUY Jon Gruden I like to call him the Faith Hill of the Monday Night Football intro on account of his pants are to tight and his legs being to wide open, and the only people who like listening to his opinions have “She Thinks My Tractors Sexy” listed as qualification’s on their resume. THIS GUY Jon Gruden I like to call him the Elvis Presley since he stole a black guys creation to make a name for himself then he got fat and will coast off 2 years of actual work for the rest of his life. THIS GUY Jon Gruden I like to call him George Bush since hes a conservative playcaller +gives his highest ranking defense positions to old guys who havent worked since the Regan administration. THIS GUY Jon Gruden, I call him Barack Obama since hes better at talking about his job then doing it. THIS GUY Jon Gruden I call him Bill Clinton since hes got a screwup brother and spends all his freetime touching himself to film of 19 year olds.

THIS GUY Jon Gruden I call him a living treasure and a true hero of the NFL and a great ambasador to the Shield. Thanks and Godbless Mr. Gruden happy 50th birthday. Godbless America.

(Thunderous applause Jon and I hug each other, Jons wife gives me a openmouth kiss on the cheek and whispers something to my ear its on for later Im going to bang her probably)

]]>http://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/08/the-roast-of-john-gruden/feed/20kissingsuzykolbergrudenroastHappy 50th Birthday To This Guy Jon Grudenhttp://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/08/happy-50th-birthday-to-this-guy-jon-gruden/
http://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/08/happy-50th-birthday-to-this-guy-jon-gruden/#commentsFri, 16 Aug 2013 13:47:29 +0000http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=68331 Gruden Talk . Gruden drinking games . When he reveals something personal about himself, like wanting to go an ’80s hair metal concert if his wife would allow it, the weekly Monday Night Football live blog shifts into high gear joking about (and relating to) his plight of the middle-aged married man.]]>

This guy Jon Gruden, he turns 50 years old this weekend. Five full decades of grit.

We have a lot of fun with Jon Gruden around here at KSK. Gruden Talk. Gruden drinking games. When he reveals something personal about himself, like wanting to go an ’80s hair metal concert if his wife would allow it, the weekly Monday Night Football live blog shifts into high gear joking about (and relating to) his plight of the middle-aged married man. Gruden’s mannerisms in the booth make for an easy target; how he describes every player as a potential Pro Bowler, his half-smile, half-scowl that shows up at least once during every broadcast, the way he picks on Ron Jaworski, how by end of the second quarter you hope he doesn’t blow out the center channel of your receiver with overmodulation.

Truth of the matter is, I absolutely adore Jon Gruden. The man is 50 years of pure football id. Running up and down the field and being part of football — either playing, coaching or broadcasting — is all Jon Gruden was meant to be in this world. It seems only fitting that during one of the most infamous games in football history, Gruden would be coaching on the sidelines when the tuck rule stole a possible Super Bowl berth from his Oakland Raiders. (And it only seems natural that he would sign a copy of the rule, declare Tom Brady’s throwing motion a fumble, then give it to Patriots owner Robert Kraft.) It’s not surprising he’s one of the few coaches ever to be traded between teams, a footnote to a footnote in a long career around the league. Even during this week’s episode of “Hard Knocks” we learned something new about Jon’s relationship to football after he described in detail losing a footrace to his younger brother Jay and how finishing second deeply upset him. Losing meant Jon did not have the natural athleticism needed to succeed playing the sport he loved. After the race he stood in his family’s driveway and he cried.

Certainly Gruden’s level of enthusiasm in the broadcast booth is not for everyone, but when faced with the dreary Joe Bucks, condescending Tony Kornheisers and ill-informed Mike & Mikes we’ve endured calling our nation’s favorite sport, he is without a doubt a bright ray of football fun to be cherished. Of course he loves every player in every game, he’s watched endless hours of tape on the third-string running back and thus sealed his bond with them. That guy plays football and Jon loves football and therefore he is excited for them. Gruden is the closest thing we have to an actual football fan in the booth but instead of having a favorite team, he has a favorite everybody.

On a lark, I reached out to Jon Gruden’s representatives hoping to get a 50th birthday quote for the fans, but was told not to get my hopes up for a response because we are so deep into the 2013 season and Jon was already consumed with game prep. Unsurprising, even his own wife Cindy said in a 2001 interview being married to Jon meant, “birthdays come a few days late sometimes.” But we’ll make time for this guy Jon Gruden today. 50 years deserves it.

Happy birthday, Jon. Everything else we post for you today is out of love.

Back in April, Jon Gruden stopped by a hair salon in Tampa to get his trademark Chucky hair trimmed. An otherwise unremarkable event was made memorable by Gruden’s decision to stop in the salon wearing the shortest shorts he could get his hands on. The photo escaped the notice of the Internet for a while. Perhaps it just took that long for our eyes to adjust to that much exposed coach thigh. Now, however, it’s getting the attention and ridicule it deserves.

Let’s not be too cruel to Gruden, though. When you spend 20 hours a day absorbing game tape, you need those legs to breathe. Besides, it’s not as though disturbingly tiny shorts aren’t commonplace coach apparel. Bill Belichick was elevating his tiny shorts game before Gruden ever started roaming the sidelines.

]]>http://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/05/jon-gruden-in-booty-shorts-no-no-too-sexy/feed/25kissingsuzykolbergrinderbelichickshortsWith Leather’s Watch This: Jon Gruden Has All The QB Answers For Ushttp://uproxx.com/sports/2013/04/with-leathers-watch-this-2/
http://uproxx.com/sports/2013/04/with-leathers-watch-this-2/#commentsThu, 11 Apr 2013 20:45:05 +0000http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=109131With just two weeks left until the 2013 NFL Draft begins, we’re in desperate need of a talking head who can tell us all about what a quarterback needs to succeed in professional football. But it can’t just be any person with a mouth and pulse, it has to be someone who possesses that uncanny ability to talk to us like we’re complete morons. And for good measure, let’s make sure that person has a knack for starting every description of a man with “This guy right here…”

Haha, just kidding! We have Jon Gruden, the one-time Hooters cook who collects big ass paychecks to interrogate college QBs entering the NFL Draft about their skills and mental toughness in a way that makes us, the viewers, feel like we’re watching The Muppets. I, for one, am glad to have Gruden’s QB Camp in our lives, today at 5 PM ET on ESPNU and 7 and 7:30 PM ET on ESPN 2 just in case you’re running through a really long airport or train station and miss the first two.

Also, it’s the only show on TV that gives us faces like this…

NHL: Penguins at Lightning – 7:30 PM ET on NBC Sports

How f*cking long is this season? It feels like two baseball seasons already.

NCAA Baseball: South Carolina at Florida – 7:30 PM ET on ESPN U

College baseball? God, there is nothing I’d rather watch less.

NCAA Hockey: St. Cloud State vs. Quinnipiac – 8 PM ET on ESPN2

I stand corrected.

NBA: Knicks at Bulls – 8 PM ET on TNT

NBA: Thunder at Warriors – 10:30 PM ET on TNT

Okay, so that joke I just made about the hockey season? This isn’t a joke. With the exception of the Lakers and Jazz, end the damn NBA regular season already. Good lord, this is boring.

(Note: Such is the life of a fan of a 20-win team.)

Titulares y Mas – 11:30 PM ET on Telemundo

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!!!

]]>http://uproxx.com/sports/2013/04/with-leathers-watch-this-2/feed/2ashleyuproxxIt's a WrapOn Its 30th Birthday, Hooters Is Going Straight Edge With A Family Makeoverhttp://uproxx.com/sports/2013/01/on-its-30th-birthday-hooters-is-going-straight-edge-with-a-family-makeover/
http://uproxx.com/sports/2013/01/on-its-30th-birthday-hooters-is-going-straight-edge-with-a-family-makeover/#commentsTue, 22 Jan 2013 18:55:08 +0000http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=103201 the new season of The Ultimate Fighter , which debuts tonight at 8 PM on FX. So if you’re excited about Team Sonnen vs.]]>

As we learned during Saturday’s UFC on FX 7 live discussion, Dana White’s empire has once again teamed with the restaurant franchise Hooters to make it the official watch party location for the new season of The Ultimate Fighter, which debuts tonight at 8 PM on FX. So if you’re excited about Team Sonnen vs. Team Jones – as you should be – and you also prefer your fried food to be delivered by the daughters of former hair metal video vixens, then today is your Christmas.

The new look involves “sleek and contemporary finishes” a high ceiling, painted ductwork, bright cypress wood walls and light-colored brick, the company said. There will also be new booth seating and high-back chairs “with an enhanced seat size and added padding.”

The hope, according to Hooters Chief Marketing Officer Dave Henniger, is that customers view the revamped store as “the ideal environment to kick back and relax after work, get together to watch their favorite sports team and enjoy a delicious meal with their family.” (Via the LA Times)

In the basement of the NFL offices, there is a small room used for staff meetings, Bagel Fridays and the monthly office birthday party with the chantilly cream and strawberry cake that Jennifer in legal always orders because she knows it’s Rog’s favorite. Such a suck up, that Jennifer.

Once a year though, this room is used as an outreach center for coaches bloodied on Black Monday at the end of the season. A safe place where they can gather and talk without judgement and fear. The tenor of the room is always a bit bleak, but when Black Monday falls on New Year’s Eve, the annual gathering of the recently disposed is a tad sadder than usual.

Let’s listen in.

Andy Reid: Always heard about this farewell party. Accidentally got invited back in ’07, which was pretty embarrassing because I thought all the coaches came to this party and when I showed up with a job, Brian Billick keyed my car in the parking lot. Spread seems better this year, though. Did you see the crab rangoon?

Lovie Smith: Why am I even here? I won ten games this season! We were just at the Super Bowl! My players are threatening to retire with me gone! This has to be some sort of mistake.

Ken Whisenhunt: Easy, Lovie. Easy. Tough year for your team. You didn’t make the playoffs and you lost to the Packers twice. Hey, I dragged that bag of bones Kurt Warner to the Super Bowl and I’m here too.

Smith: Oh what the hell do you know about anything, Whiz. You let Pete Carroll piss all over you for 58 points. As for losing to Green Bay, have you ever tried to coach a cat who smokes in a stadium full of cheese? No, you haven’t. You’re too busy trying to mold that worthless Kevin Kolb that even Fat Andy shipped out of Philadelphia.

Pat Shurmur: I’m happy to be here. Relieved, actually. At least I can go to a team with a future while I’m still young. No more cold, miserable industrial ghost towns for me. Isn’t that right, 5Chan?

Chan Gailey: Maybe, maybe I should have given the ball to Spiller more. I just don’t know. I had this plan with Fitzpatrick and I thought, I just thought… Should have gotten the ball to CJ. I’m just so tired of being cold. So tired. So very tired.

Smith: Any idiot can plan around CJ Spiller. Is he a cat? Nooooo. Do you have to still deal with Urlacher hiding catnip around the locker room just for fun? Nooooo. Won ten games in that madhouse.

Norv Turner: [smiles]

Smith: What the hell are you so damn happy about, you damn fruit cake? AJ Smith spike your Gatorade with lithium again? Imagining a rainbow coming out of River’s ass and not his football throw?

Turner: [smiles] Just glad to be here, man. On this earth. Every single day. [smiles]

Mike Tannenbaum: If you guys want, since you keep bringing up quarterbacks, I can call Brett Favre or Tim Tebow for you guys. They’d fit right in at any team you land at.

Entire room in chorus: SHUT UP, CHRISTMAS TREE.

/door flies open

Jon Gruden: THIS GUY CHRISTMAS TREE, WE CALL HIM THAT BECAUSE HIS NAME IS CHRISTMAS TREE IN GERMAN.

Smith: Who invited him? Fat Andy? Whiz?

Whisenhunt: Wasn’t me.

Gruden: INVITATIONS. YOU GUYS CRACK ME UP. NAH, THE LEAGUE LET’S ME KEEP A KEY TO THE BUILDING BECAUSE I LOVE FOOTBALL SO MUCH AND I DON’T SWIPE THE ART OFF THE WALLS LIKE COLLINSWORTH USED TO WHEN HE HAD A KEY. ANYWAY, HEARD THIS GUY SHURMUR WAS DOWN HERE AND WANTED TO GET THE RUN DOWN ON WEEDEN AND LEWIS IN CASE I INTERVIEW IN CLEVELAND THIS WEEK. I WATCHED ALL THE TAPE I COULD FIND, BUT MAYBE SHURMUR HAS SOME VIDEO OF LEWIS IN BED SO I CAN STUDY HIS DEEP SLEEP REM EYE MOVEMENT.

Shurmur: Study his deep sleep REM eye movement? What the hell, Jon? That’s not a real thing to study.

Gruden: NOT A REAL THING TO STUDY? YOU GUYS, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY? THIS IS WHY YOU’RE OUT OF A JOB, SHURM, NO OFFENSE. WHICH IS WHAT YOU HAD ALL SEASON. NAH, I’M JUST JOKING WITH YOU SHURM, I LOVE THIS GUY.

Gailey: Interview? Heard you were happy at ESPN.

Gruden: HAPPY? WOULD YOU BE HAPPY WATCHING SOMEONE MAKE LOVE TO YOUR WIFE WHEN YOU YOURSELF COULD BE MAKING SWEET BEAUTIFUL LOVE TO YOUR OWN WIFE? WAIT, DON’T ANSWER THAT. I’VE HEARD ALL ABOUT YOU 5CHAN. THIS GUY IS PRETTY FREAKY. EH, I SAY IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND YOU LIKE THAT, OKAY. BUT NO, I’M COMING BACK TO COACHING SO I CAN GET ALL OF YOUR FORMER FANS RILED UP AND HOPING MY VISOR IS ON THEIR SIDELINES.

Reid: I thought that was Bill Cowher’s job. We all agreed on that years ago.

Gruden: THIS GUY COWHER, OF COURSE THAT’S STILL HIS JOB. HE’S NOT GOING TO COACH. I’M GOING TO COACH. WHICH MEANS ONE OF YOU GUYS HAS TO END UP IN BROADCASTING. NOT NORV, HE’S NOT HD READY.

Turner: [smiles]

Gruden: SMITH. I THINK THIS GUY LOVIE IS MADE FOR THE BROADCAST BOOTH.

Smith: I just had a winning season!

Gruden: THIS GUY SHOULD PUT THAT ON HIS RESUME. OKAY, I’M GOING TO HEAD OUT. UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE KEEPS SENDING ME CO-EDS, SO I JUST HAVE THEM LOG TAPE FOR ME TO WATCH.

Whisenhunt: Jon! You’re twice their age! That’s disgusting!

Gruden: SINCE WHEN IS LOGGING TAPE DISGUSTING? THIS GUY DOESN’T SEEM TO KNOW THAT WATCHING TAPE IS THE MOST GLORIOUS THING A COACH CAN DO, DOESN’T MATTER THE AGE OF THE PERSON TAKING NOTES BESIDE THEM. ALTHOUGH IT WOULD BE HELPFUL IF THEY KNEW MORE OF THE PLAYERS NAMES AND DIDN’T JUST WRITE “THIS GUY” AND “THAT GUY” IN MY NOTES. GETS CONFUSING SOMETIMES. MAYBE SEE YOU GUYS AT THE COMBINE.

/door closes

Gailey: We’re doomed. We’re all doomed. Romeo, don’t you think we’re all done for? How do we compete with this guy?

The exhilarating suffering of Cowboys and Eagles fans, together in one convenient location. Today, the suffering of one will be compounded. The suffering of the other will be momentarily alleviated, though tinged with the knowledge that all that awaits them is further disappointment and frustration. Two teams enter, both teams cry.

It appears Andy Reid’s ham-fisted reign of terrible clock management is finally coming to an end in Philadelphia. If the Eagles fall behind in the second half today, FOX is gonna have to cut stadium audio to keep the “Fire Andy!” chants from overwhelming the broadcast. This week, Jon Gruden emerged as a popular speculative future Eagles coach, even though Gruden knows what it’s like to have the fans there turn on him.

Most likely, both Dallas and Philadelphia will be forced into a bidding war for Sean Payton once both Reid and Jason Garrett are shown the door. That means this derpfight is just getting started.

Your late game slate, as rated for potential watchability by KSK’s patented four- and sometimes five-star system:

New York Jets at Seattle **
Dallas at Philadelphia ***
St. Louis at San Francisco **