Wondering about Stuff

difficult child is approx 4 months sober.
She has a part time job at a grocery store as a cashier......she likes it God....Please let her last at it!
Last weekend when SO and I were having a disagreement, she stayed in the back ground and very low key, and sympathetic. All signs of a maturing difficult child, I think.
Still I ponder the rest of her life and that of my Grandson....
If she truly has a disease called drug addiction.....and she does.....will she forever be surrounded by those similarly afflicted? Will my precious Grandbaby grow up among a group of people who are at a constant propensity for relapse?
The doctrines of NA, loosely stated here, are the theory that "addicts help addicts stay sober". A deep theory which on it's face makes perfect sense and has great potential to work as long as the person is willing to "work it". Let's face it, my difficult child and the ones I've seen traveling the churches and meeting halls of the NA "Rooms"....are going to stumble and falter throughout their lives. I have seen few who have acheived long lasting sobriety. The doctrine not being at fault, but the individual.
You have to wonder at what point the addict no longer relies on the "group" to help him as he has learned to "help" himself. At what point should the addict take himself out of the group and integrate himself into non-difficult child life? There doesn't seem to be allowance for this contingency. I guess some manage to do it. I know my difficult child won't ever totally do it.
I know I'm rambling here, I just want the best life for this little boy, and so far, I don't see it with difficult child.

I don't doubt that she can get it together and function as an independent eventually, Melissa. The problem is that the baby
will have had years of stability at your home and in my humble opinion will not be able to transition based on when she is ready to face life as
a healthy adult.

on the other hand easy child/difficult child had all those stable, loving years with us before his
GFGmom "pretended" to be capable of occasional trust. She did
introduce him to the low life way of living (with all the instant
gratifications that come with it!) and he began to drink & smoke!
All of his RTCs, therapists and POs have commented that no matter
what poor choices he makes he is different from most of the young
men because he openly speaks of his love for us and our home. It
is seen as a potential for reform that most don't have.

difficult child, sadly, spent his first five years primarily with his Mom and
some months with us. He is now 16 and still shows the signs of
not being properly bonded as a small child. He was left with a
variety of babysitters, friends, etc. in addition to spending
time with the three of us. He is still an insecure child.

Your Grandson will benefit from every year you keep him with you
where he does not have to "sense" the lack of stability of difficult child
lifestyles. That's why I think you need to stay nearby when he
visits with his Mom. I don't think she would purposely do anything to harm him...but..GFGmoms just tend to draw "friends"
and chaos into their daily life, and that can concern little boys
and girls.

It's funny you bring this subject up, because my mother in law was just saying the other day that she hopes someday D.J. can meet somebody, outside of the program, and realize he doesn't have to live in the soberhouse forever. She made some comment like, does D.J. realize if he meets somebody and gets married someday he can't live in a soberhouse with her? I understood what she was saying, because I think once they get a good amount of sobriety behind them, they should be able to function in the "real world" and live day to day among people other then recovering addicts, but I reminded my mother in law that when difficult child moved away from that type of living too quickly last year he relapsed and that I think he needs to stay living where he is now for longer and that 8 months really isn't that long of a time when it comes to recovery. I know she really doesn't understand, though she has always been very supportive, but she worries more about him going back to school and buying a home and having a career, where I can look back at a year ago when I never thought him being 8 months clean and working full time and supporting himself would ever happen. She comes from a family of Doctors, real estate agents, builders, all types of people who own their own successful businesses, so I know it drives her crazy to think that her grandson may work at a hobby shop for the rest of his life, as she puts it.

I think everyone in recovery is different. I know people who have been in recovery for many many years who still go to meetings weekly, and others who get enough tools behind them to continue to remain clean and sober without continuing the program forever.

I do understand what you are saying though. Drug addicts and alcoholics are difficult child's and we would all like to see our children someday become easy child's, but if they always associate themselves with difficult child's, you have to wonder how they will become easy child's. I don't blame you for being concerned about your grandchild always being around difficult child's. It is a different world!

I do understand what you are saying though. Drug addicts and alcoholics are difficult child's and we would all like to see our children someday become easy child's, but if they always associate themselves with difficult child's, you have to wonder how they will become easy child's. I don't blame you for being concerned about your grandchild always being around difficult child's. It is a different world! [/quote]

Interesting topic. I also wonder why my difficult child 1 has always been attracted to difficult children and still is. I hope I am not going to offend anybody in trying to describe this, it's just that she seems to like people who use bad grammar, who seem "coarse" or "hardened", smoke, drink, don't value an education, etc. I'm sorry to say that the last time I saw her (Saturday at a festival) she really looked like she is going to age quickly. She just turned 19 and she is very skinny and her face looks "hard" to me. She doesn't have the glowing, soft look of a healthy teen, she is already looking like hard living is catching up to her.

On a side note, she said her boyfriend is scared of us so we didn't see him--I said, "good, he should be scared of us." If you remember, they left their apt. and abandoned all their stuff, including their pet rat, who now lives with me. She is happy to be financially independent of us now and actually she does seem happy with her life so I'm glad to let her go. I just wish she wasn't on that fast track to aging.

Well I know two recovered alcoholics. Both go to meetings regularly one even speaks at other chapters as on of his steps.
neither socializes with the people they know through their meetings. I have absolutely no qualms about either of them having contact with my grandchildren. -RM

Since my husband went into recovery four years ago he has not associated with any of his old drug pals. He doesn't attend meetings---never did. He has his own version of a twelve step program that he follows. He is deeply into his bible study and reading---I know that is what helped keep him clean.