Colonoscopy: the live blog

My wife and sister have complained so much about this procedure that I have made a command decision: I’m going to enjoy this thing.

Stay tuned.

Either his head is that small, or my rectum is that huge

8:00 PM
The instructions said to take three Dulcolax (“dookies,” as we called them in residency) at 8:00 PM, two days prior to the procedure. They have a delightful candy coating, no doubt to encourage abuse. Yum!

8:15 PM
So far so good. I’m telling you, y’all are wimps.

9:40 PM
Nearly two hours into this, and I’m quite sure that I am still FOS. Color me underwhelmed. Meanwhile, I’ve been helping Jake with his housing application for UCLA. He didn’t want to bother with this, so I put him into the hall for brony vegans.

Thursday

1:30 PM
The dookies worked their magic at about 1:30 this morning. Kept me up for an hour, then I slept like a babe. Jake got his own ride to school this morning, so I didn’t have to face the specter of an unusually urgent commute. As for today, I’m on a clear liquid diet, and sadly I did not buy enough stuff to get me through the day. One can only drink so much chicken stock. Oddly enough, I’m not that hungry.

The real fun starts at 4:00, when I begin drinking the Miralax-Gatorade cocktail.

Oooh! Ancient popsicles! I’m in luck.

7:25 PM
I have created the finest green. So that’s what my bile looks like!

All of the Miralade is in and I’m feeling fine. More than anything else, I worry that the prep won’t be efficient enough and I’ll have to do this all over again. As much as I’m enjoying this, I would rather not do it again any time soon.

Friday
11:24 AM
And, done. The post-procedure crampiness (from gas) was the most unpleasant part of the whole thing. Otherwise, no big deal, and now my colon has a blue ribbon seal of approval. Or something like that.

One thing I’ve learned — not all bowel preps are created equally. My wife’s doc put her on three or four days of clear liquids, and the “terminal flush” gave her two sleepless nights. And that was supposed to be the “easy prep.” My prep started 36 hours before the colonoscopy, and so far I’ve only had to take two rounds of Dulcolax. At 4 PM, I need to drink 64 ounces of Gatorade mixed with a whole bottle of Miralax. That could be rough.