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Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Damned if I ain't back. This blog took a brief vacation in the interest of actually fulfilling my responsibilities, and then was somehow subsumed by various obligations to causes that further my own ends such as ever completing my doctoral degree or making some money.

Also I got married, but don't be alarmed. This will never be a blog about a wedding. Suffice it to say that there is no limit to the shit that you can spend your money on when you are planning a wedding, and that NO ONE has a sense of humor when it comes to matching the napkins to the floor or finding a plant that people aren't allergic to to staple to a tux jacket that you may or may not recoup a deposit from. Moreover, there is so much useless bullshit that is suddenly a dramatic imperative, like somehow you won't be really married without it.
But I digress. My point is, that somehow, by hook or by crook, I had to get some money. And as an ethicist, I am morally prohibited from hooking, because that is against the law in the state of Washington.
Thankfully, there seem to be an innumerable cadre of jackasses desperate to give me a paltry sum in exchange for a modicum of effort on my part. While I formulate for your edification and entertainment pending posts about genetically modified foods, patenting DNA, water fluoridation and the consumption of neurotoxins, please occupy yourself with the following exchange. Also if you have any money you want to send me start stuffing it into an envelope because SHIT IS REAL IN 2013.

___________________________________________________________________

From: (REDACTED)Sent: 4/9/2013 11:41 AMTo: (REDACTED)

Subject:
Invitation to Contribute to Pain Medicine Board Prep Course

Good
afternoon Dr. Emmi (REDACTED);

My name is (REDACTED)
and I am the Editorial Program Coordinator for (REDACTED). (REDACTED) specializes in developing and conducting CME-accredited,
board preparation courses across a range of medical specialties.

I would like to
offer you the opportunity to participate in the process of writing
multiple-choice questions for our Pain Medicine board prepcourse.

This is an
opportunity for you not only to improve a rigorous educational product tailored
specifically to help other pain medicine doctors prepare and pass their board
exams, but also to be compensated for your expertise. We are currently offering
$625 for a total of 25 questions ($25 per multiple-choice question).

Please note that we
are not asking for you to recall actual board exam questions nor can we accept
actual board exam questions; rather we are asking you to compose original multiple-choice
questions based on the published exam blueprint. Our goal is to provide the
best learning tool we can to help physicians prepare for the actual exam.

We provide specific
writing guidelines and examples, explaining how to write questions for this
board preparatory course and what standards we expect.

Feel free to
contact me directly at (REDACTED). You can learn more about API at (REDACTED)

I would be delighted. I agree that
given our evolving paradigm of education, it is imperative that we develop more
progressive and relevant methods for assessing comprehension. To this end, I
have been perfecting a technique of "chronoscopic interrogation (patent
pending)," which allows the test taker to envision a holistic context, further
complimented by each subsequent query. Please see my sample questions
below.

1) Just what the hell are YOU looking at?

2) Do you want a knuckle sandwich?

3) Does this hurt?

4) What's your problem, pal?

5) How about THAT? DOES THAT HURT, TOUGH GUY?

Thank you for your interest in our progressive method of pain management.
The large body of evidence supporting experiential learning suggests that in
order to effectively manage pain, the pain must first exist. That should
learn them real good. Please feel free to contact me for further input.
My very best,
Emmi (REDACTED)
(the "Doctor" is silent.)

_______________________________________________________

I am still waiting for my check, but I feel assured that a highly professional institution such as the one above that doesn't even need to confirm that I am not an anesthesiologist will have no problem delivering the goods.

Thanks for coming back to me, babies, you know I love you dearly. This will almost assuredly never happen again.*

*this pretty much guarantees that this will happen again tomorrow. Tough shit. I don't do this for my health, you know.