Brave Dave hires Cowell in election shake-up

In an unprecedented move, the Prime Minister has joined forces with entertainment mogul, Simon Cowell, in a frantic bid to brainwash more teens into polling booths during the 2015 general election.

An avid reader of both tumblr and buzzfeed, Cameron is at least 60% sure that his new strategy will force youths to consider a U-turn of their political disenchantment, and that his twitter popularity will increase.

He is particularly excited to be revamping the election format, which he claims has become boring and tiresome.

'It's really important to engage our young voters with the people who run their country,' says Dave, his etonian dialect taking on a distinct, northern twang. 'Why do you think I rarely wear a tie? It's to make me look more like Gary Barlow. Everybody loves Gary Barlow.'

The unlikely pairing are working together in order to create a one-off television special which encompasses the spirit of lively political debate, as well as pitching MPs against one another in light-hearted contests designed for their pure entertainment value.

Cowell, who Cameron chose for his wealth -and indeed his wealth of experience in humiliating individuals- is uncharacteristically animated by the idea.

'This may possibly be the most exciting thing to happen to parliament since Guy Fawkes. You haven't lived until you've seen Boris in a morph suit bashing the merry bells out of Ed Balls with a giant cotton bud. Hilarious.'

The show 'I'm the Prime Minister, Please Let Me Stay in. Please. PLEASE. I Beseech You.' will air in May 2015, and will be hosted by Ant and Clegg.

Did that Mary Evans put you up to it? You know she wasn't a real teacher, she just broke in and pretended to be working at Bournemouth Uni as part of her complex life as a fantasist and fraudster. Despite all that, welcome to NB and well done for a promising start...

Ah, that makes sense. I did wonder why all our lectures seemed to be geared towards training us up as her minions. She didn't directly put me up to it, however, she did force me at gunpoint to repeatedly click on her website in order to increase the view count, and it was there that I learned of this magical place. Thanks very much!

Dear God, even the contributors are getting younger. Turn away, Katie, turn away - this place is good for nothing other than picking up dodgy men. A bit like a students' union. Or my lectures.

Now as a former lecturer to this lovely young woman, I feel responsible for her moral and corporal wellbeing here on NB, so let's have a few rules of engagement, please.

1) Oxbridge, leave her alone.
2) Salty, do fuck off.
3) Please be polite and encouraging to this emerging young talent
4) I mean it, Oxy - hands where I can see them.
5) Katie is to be considered a brilliant, talented, funny and beautiful woman at all times.
6) But not more than me.

Now I want 1500 words from all of you on "Why It's Not Nice To Do That In Public". See me after class.