I’ll never forget the moment I heard the words…”I’m sorry, your baby’s heart has stopped beating”. How can one sentence shatter my world and rock everything that I found to be steady and true? For the next five to six minutes I felt every emotion there was to feel. I was so incredibly sad, angry, heart broken and a host of others. I immediately held tight to the one I love and begin to pray. That was the only thing I knew to do. I knew that God heard every cry for help and every prayer. Even though I was an emotional train wreck I knew that Gods grace was clinging tightly to me. Through that I began to find comfort.Over the next several days I would go through the same emotions over and over again but always ended up remembering that we don’t always have the reasons why everything happens. Sometimes life is just life, it’s hard and not fair! I found out the true meaning of what Natalie Grant writes in her song Held…. “This is what it means to be held when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive”. Physically I was alive, but emotionally I felt almost dead. I was numb. Hurt. completely and utterly heart broken. The baby I wished for and dreamed of for so long was no longer alive in the safe place of my womb. With all of that being said I knew that My God ordained my baby’s life. Nothing or no one could ever convince me of anything different and one day I will get to see her again.

I was very thankful for the doctor that we had chosen, she was a gift from God and ministered to me in so many different ways. She was kind, warm and caring. She really cared and that was evident. The doctor gave us a few different delivery choices and ultimately we chose home delivery. I didn’t want to deliver my baby in a cold and sterile room if I had the option to have her at home. Three days later I went into labor and in the privacy of my home I delivered a perfect beautiful baby girl. We named her Abbi-Claire. Abbigail was a real baby not a clump of cells or just a fetus. She had ten teeny tiny toes and ten long beautiful fingers. I had the chance to hold her close to my heart and just admire every little feature. I have never doubted Gods existence, but if I ever had…holding that precious baby after delivering her into my hands made me know for certain that God himself formed our baby and gently placed her in my womb. He chose me to carry Abbi-Claire!

During the time I was holding her very little but fully formed body in my hands it hit me. If I love her as much as I do…imagine how much her creator loves her! Shortly after the delivery I was reading a blog and came across two things that have helped me so very much trough this experience. The first thing was a song by Selah – I’ll carry you. This song says several of the very thoughts I had. I love it so much! The second thing was a quote – ” And to think, when their little eyes opened, the first thing they saw was the face of Jesus”. What an amazing thought. Though today I’m longer holding Abbigail Claire in my hands or my womb I’m carrying her in my heart.