Monday, March 5, 2007

Back in SF - Neither here nor there

2 weeks seem like a really short time when you have to go through what seems like an amazing rollercoaster ride.I’ve had another confusing vacation at home – making me question where I belong.So much so that I even contemplated renaming this blog “Neither Here nor There” but that’s just dumb because no one reads this but me anyways.

Being in KL once again made me realize how I could maybe live at home where my family and dear friends are.I can just imagine sneaking out for late nights at the mamak, swimming in our pool overlooking a lake every morning, driving my very own car in the city, watching my lil sisters grow up, playing gin with the ‘rents and sis by our teeny koi pond, hanging out with nieces/nephews and eating yummy food everyday.I can imagine being in love in KL, sharing everything with the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with.Just enjoying each other’s company and naively dreaming of the future.Oh what a fantasy.What I can’t imagine is the bulk of my life now – my career.

Throughout my plane ride home, all I could think of was home.I never did get used to plane rides.They drive me just as crazy as if I were kept in a room for a full day, with a ton of questions in my head and no one to answer them for me.This dismayed reaction to long plane rides started when I was 18 flying to the US for my first year of college.Then it was because I was crazy in love with my first bf and leaving him for the first time kept me in tears all throughout the 4+12-hr long plane ride.I remember getting pre-insurance conjunctivitis upon arrival, and mommy laughing at the clinic bill when it came.Ugh.And here I am after so many years, a career girl still crying on planes clutching my pillow tight.Some feelings just won’t go away no matter how hard you try to shake them.

I arrived back in SF after the previously described experience, unlocked my apt door, stepped in and took in a waft of the comforting familiar smell of scented candles and wood.I had forgotten how beautiful this apt was.In the overstuffed mailbox was a paycheck from work, and I thought to myself – life is almost perfect here, why does it always feel like something’s missing?Is this something I can achieve over time?Will I get what I’ve always dreamed of after 3 years?I’m hoping so much it will happen cause I know I’m willing to drop everything I have now if it means everything I’ve ever dreamed of.