How To Become A Badass In Life (According To TV)

For some reason unknown to anyone ever, Badasses hate being comfortable! They always sit in chairs wrong. They either turn the chair around with a dumb smirk on their face while their balls are pressed against the butt part of the chair, or they're slouching so poorly it has to affect their spine health.

It doesn't matter what decade the series comes out, the Badass is always wearing a leather jacket, or has one with him regularly. It could be in the middle of summer and they'll still be wearing them. Does heat not affect them? Are they not afraid of heat strokes?

If your dad is a butthole or your mom is too busy for you, there is a good chance you have the ideal upbringing for a badass.

If it is a teenage/young adult tv show badass it is no surprise if they're having a hard time in school. Not because they're dumb but because they're too busy on Make-Out Creek with their tutor to waste their time doing homework or studying.

There seems to be a direct correlation to cool hair and badassness. Before anyone has any dialogue in a show, check to see if there is a guy with longer or flow-acious hair in the room, 10/10 times that will be the bad ass.

HOWEVER, if you want to break into film, you have to shave it bald, ala Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, and Dwayne Johnson.

It is no secret that ladies love bad boys. It also doesn't help when all the bad boys in TV are wildly handsome! I mean, everything they do is cool, at least make them a little bit ugly, right? WRONG, a little scar will add more character to them and make them even more badass.

Bad asses always have cooler names than you or me, like KNIFE or LASER or something crazy like that. I'm sure their names are like, "Alfonso" but they hate it, they need a name to match their cool personalities. So they adopt these crazy make-up names that probably make their parents a little sad but also proud.

Not everyone will drive a 2001 Honda Civic, I understand that, but if you're not ridin' around on a hog or mid-70's Dodge then you're a fucking nerd and will never be cool.

Eventually, down the line you'll realize, "Hey, I'm a big ol' softie". Maybe, all that other stuff is just around to mask how sensitive I really am: A widdo iddo baby who cares about other people's feelings.