posted 06-14-200810:06 PM
So, I've been dating this guy for almost eleven months now, and we talked for nearly three months before we actually labeled ourselves as "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. (He's the first guy I've ever dated, but NOT vise-versa.) In the beginning I wasn't clingy; he did his thing, I did mine. (We are also both in the same high school so we saw each other daily.) We were taking things really, really slow. Our first kiss was a month and a week after he asked me out; then we made out a week or two after that. At this point, our relationship was all sweet and lovey dovey, but I still wasn't clingy. Of course I loved seeing him, but if I didn't spend one on one time on the weekends, I was ok with it. After five months, he fingered me, but that's as far as we went for the next month or two. After this, I noticed that I was more attached to him, in a clingy way, but it was controlable. At seven months we had dry sex; at eight he performed oral on me. After the eighth month, I began to become really, really clingy; I began wanted to see him all the time and when I couldn't, I would get depressed. At this time, I didn't regret doing any of the sexual things I had really done. Well, for the past three of four weeks it seems as if I am started to regret everything we have done, including the oral I performed on him earlier this week. (I didn't regret it while I was doing it, just after the fact; he did not force me.) Sometimes I even have myself believing our relationship is based on 'sex', but when I think about it logically, I know he cares about me and would stop if I ever told him to. I just can't seem to stay happy with him. I've talked to him about how I feel. I know he is trying to make me happy again because he really, really wants 'us' to work, as do I, but I find myself crying at night before I go to bed or waking up in tears because of the relationship. His current personality really doesn't match the person who I started dating, and I know people and relationships change, but I can't accept it. He is not abusive, and I know that he cares deeply about me. I'm just not sure what to do. The only person I can talk to about this is also really good friends with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid that he will get mad at him (because he is very defensive when it comes to be getting hurt - but in a brother way because his orientation doesn't really match with me. ) Whenever I'm spending time with him I seem to feel bored, uninterested, get aggravated and emotional easily, and feel like I'm in need of some freedom/space, but whenever I'm not with him, I feel anxious to see him, get easily aggitated by him, and just wish I could cuddle and be there with him.

Sorry for the extremly long post..

But do any of you brilliant people have any advice? Do you possibly know why I am feeling this way? ( <- I know I'm the only person who can probably figure this one out, but who knows..) Have you possibly been in the same situation or close? I suppose anything and everything would be helpful.

posted 06-14-200811:36 PM
Maybe this relationship just isn't right for you anymore? Especially if you don't really enjoy the time you spend with him, maybe it's just time for the two of you to move on.

How much time, on average, do you spend with him per week? Would either spending more time with him or less time with him perhaps improve these feelings you're having? Perhaps you need to come up with some new things for the two of you to do together?

Also, if you're no longer comfortable with the sexual aspect of your relationship with him, there's nothing wrong with just taking a break from anything sexual for a while and seeing if that changes the dynamic of the relationship at all. Just because you're okay with engaging in sexual thing with him at one point in the relationship doesn't mean that you need to continue to desire to do so, and if, like you mentioned, he'd be okay with stopping any time you wanted, then it seems like it shouldn't be too much of an issue.

Ultimately, of course, it's all up to you. I'm just throwing out some ideas that you may want to consider.

--------------------"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."-Oscar WildePosts: 115 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted 06-14-200811:48 PM
Why do you regret the things you've done with him sexually? Do you feel that it has somehow changed the relationship or him for the worse? Why would your friend get upset at your boyfriend if you told him how you are feeling? You say that your boyfriend isn't abusive, so what does he do that would cause your friend to be upset with him? (Sorry for all the questions, just trying to make sure I understand the situation. )

From this post, it sounds a little like you had an ideal image of your boyfriend before you started dating, but once the two of you became more serious and you got to know him as he is in a relationship, he didn't live up to that same image and now you are questioning who you are dating. Does this sound about right for you?

One of the hard things about dating someone that you've had a crush on for a while but didn't really get to know too well beforehand (or even about dating anyone period, whether or not you had a massive crush on them for a while) is that you can develop these expectations of them and view them in a certain way, hoping they live up to those expectations, but they almost always end up falling short in reality because people make mistakes and have their little quirks. It's not an unusual thing. There are plenty of short stories, songs, and movies about that (for instance, the movie "Enchanted" plays on that idea). What people have to do, though, is try and work out what the person really is like and if they can accept and love that person the way they are, quirks, mistakes, and all. If you can't, then maybe it's time to move on and find someone whose reality matches up with your expectation (though I'll warn you now that's pretty hard to find as sometimes our expectations can be a little ridiculous; we're all human, afterall).

ETA: another thing I wanted to bring up is that at your age (and hopefully at all ages), relationships should be fun and enjoyable and emotionally rewarding, not bring us to tears every night. Actually, every relationship at any age should only last so long as it is emotionally rewarding. Once it gets to the point where you find yourself upset more than happy, it's time to end it and move on. Of course, relationships aren't easy and there are rough spots, but crying every night because of the relationship, worrying constantly about the relationship, just isn't healthy, nor is it any fun.

[ 06-14-2008, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

--------------------Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy GrailPosts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
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posted 06-15-200812:20 AM
libertatissacra:Well, I really, really want us to work out; I just want to be happy. I love talking to him and everything; it's just we keep yapping at each other. Maybe it's a stage?

The time we spend together varies from week to week. This week I saw him Tuesday for five or six hours (but by the time I left, I was more than glad to leave because we had began to bicker). Then, I saw him on Thursday for a school related meeting and then went shopping with him afterwards. (We left on good terms then.) On average I see him for approx. 12 hours a week. Honestly though, I'm not sure if I'm spending too little or too much.

I actually talked to him about the whole sex thing; he said that if I didn't want to do anything sexual, we wouldn't. So, that part is taken care of..

orca:I'm not sure why I regret everything I do. I just feel so uninnocent, I suppose. I kind of feel like I'm not who I was because of the relationship.My friend might be upset though because he doesn't like the fact of me crying, especially over a guy, whether he is a friend of his or not, and I just wouldn't want to make the problem any bigger than it already is. So..

I dont think the problem is that I didn't get to know him well before hand, because I've known him practically all my life and we talked for two and half to three months before we ever really did the labels (as stated above). I think that his personality has just changed a little bit, as mine has too. I'm just having a hard time adapting to all of these changes - in me, him, and our relationship.. I guess.

Do you think a break would be good for the relationship? You know.. like take a little time off from each other to explore.

posted 06-15-200804:51 AM
I really agree with what Orca said about worthwhile relationships being overall enjoyable experiences. I see so many people, of all ages, clinging to relationships that really don't make them happy just out of force of habit. That is, they're just so used to being in the relationship that they don't want to let it go, no matter how unhappy it's making them. And personally, I find that unfortunate. I mean, yes, all relationships are going to have ups and downs. People fight and argue from time to time. It happens. We can't be happy and get along with everyone all the time. But when a relationship is causing you more grief than it is happiness, I think it's really time to consider why you're still in that relationship in the first place.

I think perhaps a good starting point for you right now might just be to take some time to think about what is causing you and your boyfriend to bicker so much lately. If you can isolate the cause of the bickering, then maybe he and you can have a discussion about how to annoy one another less in the future. If the root of the bickering is aspects of your respective personalities that can't really be changed, then perhaps the relationship has just run its course and it's time to move on.

Although I don't know you or your boyfriend and therefore can't say what's going on and if the relationship is worth keeping, I do think you should be aware of the fact that maybe this relationship just isn't going to work out. There's not much point in making it work just for the sake of making it work if you're both still going to be miserable, you know?

--------------------"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."-Oscar WildePosts: 115 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Nov 2007
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