The Sex Prayer to the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster, we thank you for giving us sex and sexuality, whether Homo or heterosexual, bi or trans, and for not making us like those uptight Christians, Muslims, Mormons and Baptists.

We thank you for wonderful masturbatory fantasies and for the pornography on which they are often based,

FSM we ask that you grand us sex partners, lovers, wives and husbands that know where our G-spots, clitoris and the sweet spot on our penis are. Grant us long loving foreplay with deep wet kisses followed by huge orgasms and loving cuddles after.

Grant us the courage and wisdom to communicate openly and honestly with our partners and give them more pleasure than we receive, for we know it is far better to give than to receive.

Your Noodliness, We do not need 72 virgins, in fact we ask that you send no virgins, for we don’t want to have to train them, unless, of course they are very willing to be trained. We especially plead today that you not send any repressed Christian virgins – male or female – for they will only feel guilty and cause great problems with their abstinence only training.

Your Pastaness, we ask that you give us the wisdom to understand and appreciate our partner’s kinks or lack thereof. Whether foot worship or spanking, ropes or talking dirty, help us to appreciate their full sexuality and lead us not into temptation of judgment and scorn for others when their sexual preferences are not ours.

We do ask in the name of Ramen, for retribution, shame and scorn on pedophile priests, hypocritical ministers sleeping with the choir director, and gay bashing closeted ministers, etc.

O’Spaghetti O, we ask that you send condoms and birth control in abundance and your blessings to the many dedicated workers at the Trojan condom factory and Planned Parenthood.

In the name of Dan Savage and Gretta Chistina we pray, for they are the true gods and goddesses of this world.

NoriMori

“Your Noodliness, We do not need 72 virgins, in fact we ask that you send no virgins, for we don’t want to have to train them, unless, of course they are very willing to be trained.”

I loved this part reminded me of this Jeff Dunham routine with his puppet Walter, on why Muslim heaven doesn’t really sound that great:

“72 virgins? I gotta teach 72 virgins how to have sex! How about 72 slutty broads who know what they’re doing?!”

Rebecca

1) Baptists are Christian

2) Dan Savage is transphobic

3) Many religions accept sexuality and even incorporate it

4) Many branches of Christianity love and accept people no matter their orientation

(*apologies if I posted this twice; if there’s two comments waiting in the moderation queue, only approve one)

Asmodeus Gabriel Reotutar

Ummm, christianity is not one of those religions (3)
and most christians are not accepting of homosexuality (4)

By the religious, sex will be called an inconvenience at best and “intrinsically evil” (pope john paul II) at worst.

Kai

Funny! But I don’t know what “trans” is doing in there: it makes it sound like being transgender is a sexuality. It’s not.

@Rebecca; 1) Yes baptists are chistian, maybe the author has a particular beef with them.
2) I did a bit of digging on this, and I don’t think he is. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/15/dan-savage-glitterbombed-irvine-_n_1095354.html I know it is the huffington post, but he says the same thing everywhere. As for being biphobic, he has stated he doesn’t like people coming out as bi, as an easy transition to being gay. He would prefer they are honest. I can agree with this, being a married bi-male myself.
3) Many accept it, almost all try to supress it. Even the more moderate Buddhism, and more moderate chrisitianities decry sex for pleasure.
4) I don’t know if you can say the majority, practising Gays are not accepted in Evangelical or catholic churches. Sure you can be gay, just don’t do anything about it. Need I say pray the gay away and the infamous still existing straight camps.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003405397387 Andre

Oops– I need to clear up an aisdtlut comment I just made in the above comment. By saying “Our kids” I am perpetuating the parental and aisdtlut view that kids equal parent property. My bad, and I apologize.I should have just said “Kids own their bodies..” and not “Our kids own their bodies.” Sounds very different, doesn’t it?

elekke

Are those people sure, that the 72 virgins are not over 80 years old each ????