An old 'liner driver comes into a new little back street casino after a hard day on the salt and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH $3.50 HAND JOB : $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old driver walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled tourists. She glides down behind the bar to the old guy. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?" The old pilot leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Yes Sir , I sure am." He leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,

"Well, wash your hands REAL good because I want a cheeseburger."

(It takes a pure heart to run a 'liner. 'Sides, he probably already figured "2 gallons of Nitro and a cheesburger, or.....")

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so stupid that he could get one over on them easy.So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Logged

Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house always prepared a meal.

When it came time for Jon and Nancy to be the hosts, Nancy wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms were a little expensive. When she told him Jon said "No mushrooms. They are too expensive. Why don't you go down to the creek bed and pick some of those mushrooms?"

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Nancy decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Nancy watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Nancy even hired a lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head just like a maid. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played cards and dominoes. About then, the lady from town came in and whispered in Nancy's ear.

"Mrs. Wennerberg, I'm sorry to tell you this, Ol' Spot is dead."

Nancy went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room discussing the evenings excitement.

Then the lady came in and said, "Nancy, you know, that fellow that ran over Ol'Spot never even stopped."

****Forgive me for this one ****** This biker sits down next to a truck driver in a roadside cafe`. The trucker is staring off into space ,with a bowl of chile in front of him. After 15 minutes or so, The biker suggests that he would eat the chile if the trucker doesn`t want it. The driver agrees and the biker starts to eat. 2/3`s of the way to the bottom of the bowl, The saddle tramp notices a decaying mouse corpse in the soup.... and instantly vomits into the dish. The trucker looks over and says " That`s about as far as I made it too"

Logged

I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Hey Mike...i was talkin to yer crazy uncle in Red Bluff the other day and he was trying to explain the current state of affairs of some other countries.... i took some notes

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pizzed Off" to "Let's get the Baztards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dogchow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-outline when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had.. an elephant? So, since I'm retired andhave little to do, on impulse I told her that "No, I didn't have adog. I was starting the Purina Diet again." I added that I probablyshouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but had lost50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubescoming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a "Perfect Diet" The way that itworks is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simpleeat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionallycomplete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have tomention her that practically everyone in line was now enthralled withmy story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in Intensive Care because the dogfood poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff apoodle's Acura and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he waslaughing so hard.

Cosctco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time inthe world to think of crazy things to say.