Okay, don’t get too excited… its my boss’s computer and its only on loan but its all mine, MINE, MINE TONIGHT!!!

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments.Geewits, yes, I know, I’ve been through this, or rather, PTSD before. I know I need meds but alas, I have no health insurance. I’m going to check with Nate’s doctor tomorrow and see if I can get something to “take the edge off.”I prefer a big ass margarita but something is better than nothing.

Actually, I felt better today after I went to see Kevin. I was out on assignment for my writing job and it was just another ½ mile to the cemetery. His marker looks very nice. I told him how much I missed him, how much we all miss him, and I wish he was still here. I cried quite a bit and remembered my dear friend and the way he used to make me laugh. Even when you were mad at him, you couldn’t stay that way because he always made you laugh at something.

I told Steve about it later in the day and he said, “Well, you can’t say that 2006 was boring.”I said, “Fuck, 2007 is off to a roaring start as well.”And because I didn’t want to cry in front of him, I just walked away. The guys are making a lot of mistakes, costly mistakes, and it’s those times that we miss Kevin but we miss him most when we just need a friend.

Jeff and I talked about putting Nate in counseling today. He wants him to go to the same counselor that Danlel went to, which is fine. We drove by a church the other day and while at the stop sign I noticed they have a grief group starting. Nate looked at me and said, “Momma, I think we need something like that.” He is so wise.

So, we go about slapping cement in the broken pieces of life and watching The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Nate never can decide if he wants to be Aragorn or Legolas and I can’t decide between Arwen and Eowyn, both highly noble strong ladies. I can’t say much for the noble part but strength is my forte.

Macy likes us better now. She’s almost a year and a half old. We got her from a local humane society. She’s really adorable, when she’s not ignoring us. She has big beautiful green eyes and has a tabby look about her face and legs but then she looks like a tortie across her back, but then has a cream colored throat and belly, and a fairly insignificant tail, other than the fact it has a light red tip.I guess she’s been in a cage a lot because any movement by our feet sends her fleeing for her life. Also, she didn’t seem to know that Hermione was another cat until Hermione hissed. I’m glad we decided to get her instead of getting a kitten. Nate said we should get a kitten and a grumpy kitty that no one else wants. I guess we got a little of both in Macy.

Hermione, well, she’s laying on the comforter on the bed, living the life of a reigning queen.It used to be I couldn’t sit at my computer without a cat or two on my lap and
Ireland had taken to lying on the back of the ancient monitor I had. Guess it was warm up there. I can see a bit of my other cats in Macy. Tabby like Marco, calico like
Cali, flighty like Midnight, purrs like Ozzy… but also just Macy. It soothes a bit but also another reminder that things will never be the same. It will always be different than it used to be.

Nate finds that hard, as he was reading over my shoulder and started crying, which means I also started crying and we talked about not having any answers as to why this happened to us and why our precious felines, other than one, did not survive, and how, although he didn’t say it, I know now his heart was as hopeful as mine that when I opened that door, not smoke, but cats, would come pouring out.

T-Bird and Jeff both told me they did not recognize my voice when I called them. Jeff thought I was a friend of Danlel’s but then thought it could be me, so he came to my house, not knowing what to expect.T-Bird thought I was her sister until I said, “All of my babies are gone,” then she said she knew it was me, because all her sister’s babies live with her now. And all that time, I thought I was being totally coherent and clear.

The horror was unimaginable. The realization after finding Ozzy at the door, who I originally thought was Smokey, that all of my pets, save one, were dead, was … enough to go temporarily insane. Minutes seem like hours and all you can do is scream. And then, oh God, where is Nate?I thought for some horrible moments that somehow he had managed to slip past me into the house. I couldn’t find him and I ran around the house looking for him and screaming for him, my poor neighbor trying to calm me down, a woman I had never met before. Then he’s there, having run down the street toward the fire department, which is just a few blocks away. And all I can do is hug him and tell him the awful truth.

Then I was so numb and disconnected, I didn’t even hear the sirens of the same fire trucks I was screaming for minutes earlier. And I wander, ankle deep in water, snow blowing in my face, being gently set aside by firemen, staring at the burn on my hand, the non-feeling feeling of frostbite, my chin burning, T-Bird giving me her gloves and calling Steve for me. Sitting in my new neighbor’s house, where the Nabes used to live, and socks and my feet wrapped in a towel and again, the realization, there is nothing I can do to stop this horror.

Jammie Jsaid,

It’s weird to relive it over and over again, isn’t it? It makes it all to real, yet again. It’s part of the process of grieving through it, though, and maybe there’s comfort in knowing that. In knowing that you’re human, that other humans have been through it, that other people have somehow made it through, and that other people can empathize with you, come along side of you and hold you. Can’t make it better, nothing ever will, but we love you. We’re here for you when you’re tired and can’t do it alone. You’re not alone. Don’t ever, ever forget that.

Keep writing your feeling out. It will help put things in perspective and help you shed some of the pain. Also, does your community have any kind of outreach program or provide counseling services to those who do not have health insurance? Maybe at a discount or through a special program?

Could you please forward to me your mailing address or a PO box if you prefer? liz@tomkinson.org

Does your city or state provide health services i.e. free counseling, (and meds if needed?) There must be some type of thing! Maybe a clinic. I am sure it’s probably not your first choice, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do….

I’m glad that Macy is adjusting to you. She’ll eventually pick up on your vibes and you on hers, and then it will be like she’s always been with you. I know she can’t replace the ones you lost, but I’m glad you, Nate, and Hermione have her, whether Hermione realizes how lucky she is or not. 🙂 You guys have made it this far, you’ll keep on making it. Just keep writing so you can get it out, and maybe have Nate journal as well so that he can get his feelings out.

And remember that all your blog buddies can be a grief counseling group as well. We love you and Nate!