Category Archives: Old Lady Jokes

An elderly couple has only been in bed for a few minutes when the man farts. He says, “7 points!” She asks, “7 points for what?” The old man replies, “It’s fart football.” A minute later, she fires one off. “Touchdown! Tie score,” she announces. A few minutes pass and the old man farts again. “Touchdown! I’m up, 14 to 7.” Not to be outdone, the wife rips another. “Touchdown! Tie score.” A few seconds later, she pinches off a tiny squeaker. “Field goal! I lead, 17-14.” The pressure is on. The old man refuses to lose. He strains and strains but to no avail. Finally, he gives it everything he’s got, but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife asks, “What in the hell was that?” And the old man replies, “Halftime! Switch sides!”

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, was shocked when the woman’s doctor said she had a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She had to avoid stress, eat right, and never have sex again, or the strain might kill her. They reluctantly tried to live by those rules but over time both got really horny, so the husband decided to sleep on the downstairs couch to prevent temptation. For a few weeks, this arrangement worked, until one night about 1 a.m. when they met each other on the stairs–she coming down, he heading up. “Honey, I have to confess,” she said, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.” “Glad to hear that, sweetie,” he answered, “because I was just coming up to kill you!”

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement!

‘Oh, really? Darn,’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’

‘Oh, no,’ said the little old lady. ‘You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or I cut it off ‘

‘Well, that seems only fair,’ laughs the cop. ‘OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?’

Two sweet little old ladies were standing outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One lady pulled out a condom with the end cut off, pulled it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, “What’s that???? “A condom.??? “Condom? I never heard of it. Where’d you get it???? “Oh, you can get them at any drugstore.??? The next day the second lady walked into the drugstore and said to the pharmacist, “Give me a pack of condoms.??? He looked a little shocked, but politely asked, “What brand? Oh, it doesn’t matter,??? she replied, “just as long as it fits a Camel!??? … The pharmacist fainted.

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…

‘Damn!’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can Find some of them. Thanks for the warning!’

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?’

‘Oh, no’, says the little old lady. ‘You see, my yard backs up to the sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!’ So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: ‘$20 or off it comes!”

‘Hey, not a bad idea!’ laughs the cop. ‘Good luck! ‘By the way, what’s In the other bag?’