They’re bringing out Rachel to give live commentary on the finale for the first time. How else could they fill THREE HOURS. This makes it feel incredibly anti-climactic. Rachel's clearly there against her own will: "I don’t know why you guys keep doing this stuff to me... Can I leave?" ​Feels so Hunger Games: "This trip doesn't end when you get back home... From now on, your job is to be a distraction. So people forget what the real problems are."

LOL RACHIE YOU TELL THE BEST JOKES

Why doesn’t Rachel crash viewing parties? Lord Harrison peers into our souls as Rachel talks about where her head was at on the date with Hot Peter for the millionth time.

Are you guys getting all this suffering?

Back to the Show...
Hot Peter and Rachel continue their fantasy suite date. Hot Peter: "What if I’m not ready to say will you marry me?" Rachel: "Honestly? That I’m trying not to cry." They haven’t even had sex and she's demanding he know if he'll propose already... My main takeaway this episode is that Rachel's Ex traumatized her by never wanting to take things to the next level and she's totally over-correcting for it in her current relationships... Rachel cries and Hot Peter accepts the fantasy suite.

THE NEXT MORNING...
Peter and Rachel bang out and then pop out the windows.

Now, we can't show penetration yet, but can you please recreate first entry for us with a metaphor?

​Bryan-of-Olga’s Fantasy Suite Date
Rachel and Bryan-of-Olga ride horses in a vineyard. She picks the "brown one of course" because "it matches me." Bryan-of-Olga says a bunch more Mad Libs-love-version-bullshit about their relationship: "I'm looking to be really romantic, just the ease and the comfort level that we have, is something that can’t be compared to. So I’m just looking to continue that."

It's something that can't be compared and relationships journey right reasons she has great personality amongst beauty. Did you get what you need somewhere in there?

Rachel: "Peter messed with my mind." Bryan-of-Olga notices, saying it was "Just awkward... I felt like she wasn’t all there."

Later at Dinner…
Bryan tells Rachel, "I didn’t feel you all 100% there... Like you know how women have their intuition?" Like you know how anything my mother has ever said has been right? Rachel: "It’s nothing personal to you or what you did or what you said." Bryan-of-Olga: "I felt down." Rachel looks at him like a child: “Did you feel down?”

And with that, Bryan-of-Olga has won the Fantasy Suite. He accepts with his standard percentage of enthusiasm: "Absolutely. 1000%. Thank you, Chris." Bryan side-smiles creepily and really shows us dem cheeks. ​

Oh shit! Thanks for hookin it up, Chris!

As they walk to the suite, Bryan-of-Olga says he's ready to break down her walls and "take that last brick down."

The next morning…
We see Spanish banging imagery.

Lord Harrison also sanctioned this pollination

As post-coital humans do, Rachel and Bryan-of-Olga intimately make out whilst feeding each other strawberries.

Only when you've smashed the last brick do you receive the fruit

​ROSE CEREMONY
Rachel: "I’m extra sensitive because this is the rose ceremony where I want home."

I'm extra sensitive because this might be the round that crowns the next Bachelor.

Rachel says something very pointed about wanting a proposal, "not a boyfriend", and then picks Bryan-Of-Olga and Hot Peter. Goodbye Eric.

Rachel: "Eric is such an amazing and beautiful person. It’s also why I’m not completely confident in my decision to say goodbye to him."
Eric gets in limo: "I’m just going to miss her bro… She was the one for sure."

All of my romantic experience at that one Prom has told me that she was my soul mate.

Hot Peter acknowledges Rachel calling him out about proposals: "She looked at me like dead in my eyes."

It's so weird, usually once someone looks directly into my eyes their threats stop IMMEDIATELY and they undress.

Peter and Bryan take turns hugging Rachel. ​She cheerses both of them.

To the two best lays who wear rings and to the one ring that will rule them all.

Eric comes out at the Live Finale...
He looks great with facial hair. Lord Harrison: "How’s your heart?" Eric: "She told me she loved me and then I got the boot." Eric admits he was ready to propose and was "locked in." Rachel uses a classic line: "You’re going to be so great for someone else."

That feeling when you've already got thousands of "someone else's" lined up

BACK TO SHOW...
Bryan-of-Olga trudges through a field.

Mom never makes me get up this early...

Hot Peter takes notes on his emotions.

Dear Diary... What I wouldn't give for some quality Guy Time right now to really sort out my feelings...

​Bryan-Of-Olga's Last DateRachel: "We’re going to explore Rioja in a different way." It would be great if this meant through the sewers. They go on a hot air balloon. ​They wave to a family. Bryan is clearly pissed he had to get up early for this date: "What are they doing up so early?"

What are they doing up so early? I understand that I had to wake up at the crack of dawn to get the W, but what's their endgame here?

Later that Night...Rachel: "You have been a great surprise for me and it’s been beautiful getting to know you… I’m used to fixing, I’m used to saving."

I THOUGHT DEAN WAS YOUR BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE!!! ​

Rachel's saying Hot Peter is the project. Bryan-of-Olga doesn't think she should go with Project Peter though: "I realize there’s somebody else here but I’m confident that I can make you the happiest. I think it would be a mistake if you didn’t choose me." UGH.

I love you but I only wish for your happiness above all if that means you'll be with me and not the other guy.

​Bryan made her a Spanish English dictionary to summarize his meaningless love affirmations. Babe, just close your eyes and point to a few different words and you'll get a classic Bryanism. It includes "Lips", "Chemistry", and misspelling "Por Siempre."

Hot Peter and Rachel go to a Monastery. There's a series of religious images and then a monk asks them their thoughts on "marriage."

Oh yes, pressuring the visitors to get married is standard on this monastery tour.

Hot Peter gives the monk his spiel on the importance and sanctity of marriage and then they go outside. Rachel asks him about the future again. Hot Peter describes their dulllllll future: "I can see football games and baseball nights and the farmers market and wine night with painting."

I can see football games, wine & painting night, but of course -- nothing can get in the way of my Guy Time.

Hot Peter: "I have no fears for marriage… The idea of having multiple marriages scares me. And to me multiple proposals is one and the same." Rachel: "Yeah, you definitely need to figure that out." Peter: "24 hours to do it is a very scary thought."

FUCKING JUST PROPOSE PETER!!! CAN'T YOU TELL I HATE BRYAN?!

Later that Night…
Rachel talks to Peter about the Rose Ceremony. Peter: "I knew you were speaking directly to me. I am in love with you. But these feelings are so recent... I don’t feel that I’m ready to ask you to marry me tomorrow. But I don’t want to stop being with you."

Rachel: "You’re talking to me about vacations and dogs and what sized bed we're gonna have... but you can't take that step."

You can't act like deciding on a California King suddenly means nothing

Peter: "I know that I want to try." Rachel: "I’m not looking for an instant 'I want to marry you'."

I just want you to decide it by tomorrow and actually tell me right now.

Hot Peter asks if she knows he's the one and she can't answer.

You don't know if I'm the one but please at least tell me you DO know Bryan's cheeks are fake though, right?

Peter: "So if I can’t… you walk away?"

They then play out the hypothetical scenario of Peter proposing just to not lose her. Rachel: "I want somebody who knows what they want." Peter lashes out: "Then go find someone you'll have a mediocre life with."

Good luck with your life of mediocrity. No farmers market. No painting paired with wine. Probably just trace-drawings paired with Natty Light...

Peter grasps at straws and says maybe things will change by tomorrow. Rachel: "I can’t do tomorrow if you’re telling me you want to be my boyfriend." Peter: "Then I do nothing but wish you the very best. I think we're both going to regret this decision... I am. If you change your mind, you know where you can find me."

Rachel Picks Bryan-Of-Olga
Bryan-of-Olga is still as boring and confident as usual: "I’m a little nervous but I’m confident once again." I've compared him to Josh Murray before and I do think he is very similar in how rehearsed he sounds but he definitely doesn't have the entertaining psychotic aggression of Josh.

​Bryan speaks in Spanish again... Cool...

Bryan-of-Olga tells Rachel when they met "it was like a chemistry bomb had exploded."

Rachel tells him she's "always been drawn to the excitement of complicated relationships" so she tried "to find cracks in what seemed like the perfect foundation...really had to do some soul-searching." I don’t believe EITHER of them.
Rachel: "This love is so mature."

It's a very mature love. You almost might say, it's settled into itself.

He gets down on one knee. Rachel squeals.

Her family is going to be so upset!! Me, depressed: "If he wins, why didn’t they edit it to make him more likable?" My sage friend: "There was no footage." Bryan cannot stop speaking Spanish. It is all he has. This feels dark and sinister.

She asks if he wants her final rose and he fucking says, "1000%" AGAIN!!!

Bryan-of-Olga: "Show 'em that rock." Disgusting. He says a bunch more Spanish shit and Rachel says, "I heard 'esposa!' I hear the key phrases!" Kind of sums up her relationship with Bryan. She literally just heard all she wanted to hear. RACHEL YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS.

Back to Lord Harrison's viewing party...
Bryan mugs backstage for the camera using some of the gestures he must've learned when he was onthe reality show THE PLAYER.

BRYAN-OF-OLGA COMES OUT AT FINALE...
Bryan gets down on a knee, "Will you re-marry me?" I’m surprised he didn’t bring out her watch and force her to wear it too.

This will last

Our first proposal wasn't fame-whorey enough babe

Another Bryan-of-Olga fucking humble brag: "There was a weather issue. I actually thought Peter was getting eliminated before I was."

You know it's funny you say that Chris, because I actually thought I was just waiting for that fucking loser to clear out of my territory.