Bucknell to become fully Amish by Fall 2017

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University officials decided on Sept. 19 to transition into a fully functioning Amish community by Fall 2017. The transition will begin immediately with the removal of all desktop computers and will continue through winter break with the removal of all heating and cooling units within academic and residential buildings. Summer 2017 will be dedicated to the removal of any remaining light fixtures, pens, and wall outlets.

When asked about the decision, an anonymous member of the Board of Trustees cited the overuse of cellphones, incessant emails, and “terribly unflattering overhead lights.”

“We need to bring Bucknell back to its roots, back to when Carnegie was new, sororities didn’t exist, and staying up late to party downtown meant making moonshine and carrying a lantern,” the trustee said.

Over two-thirds of the department of computer science faculty has quit, but the remaining staff feels enthusiastic about the upcoming changes. Professor of Computer Science Nell Commons believes the changes will give students a better sense of direction.

“Yeah, I support this whole Amish thing,” Commons said while smashing his laptop with a hammer. “You can teach computer science without a computer; you can even code without a computer. Ever seen a punch card?”

Students can prepare for the imminent changes by tossing their laptops, cell phones, and e-readers into the large electronics heap in the center of the Malesardi Quad. Students should also begin watering their plants and volunteering at the Lewisburg Community Garden more often. By Fall 2017, all campus food will be locally grown. Students should pray for a bountiful harvest season.