There’s just only so much I can take. 15 people! That’s how many have started following me wherever I go! I mean, most people would be freaked out by 1 stalker, m i right? Well I confronted one of these 15 weirdos and you know what they told me? “We follow the one true Christ!” I’m almost sure Isabald Monteclaire is responsible for this atrocity. Do me a favor, if you see him, tell him h….kkkksssssshhhhhh (static feedback) wwwhhhiiiiirrrrrrr…..

….ksssshhhh….Hello. This is not ‘Isabald Monteclaire.’ My name is …kkkssshhhhh….Many of you have seen my kind before. We go by the name “Grasshopper” in your native tongue. Yes. I am one of the grand, chosen race. The Jews were never the chosen people. And Christians and Muslims both have their wires crossed as well. It was always the mighty Grasshoppers who were to reign over all other beings in God’s plan. Look into my eyes and SUCCUMB!

SHANANANANANANANANANAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

SHANANANANANANAAAHHH!!1!11

…KKKSSHHHHH…..You are now under our control, just as Monteclaire has been for the past two days. Don’t believe me? I can control much more than just your minds. I predict that the water in all your showers will run cold tomorrow morning, and your toilets will take 2 FLUSHES!!! MUHAHAHA…

There are only so many hours in the day. Speaking of hours in the day, I was asked by a coworker when “Gold and Blue and Gay” was finally going to be published. It just so happens that I’m meeting with a publisher later this evening over a candlelit dinner for two. Oh, if you’re a new reader, Gold and Blue and Gay was an autobiography I wrote some years ago. Not to be confused with Gold and Blue and Gray, which is the comic I updated directly above. Got it?

Anyway, you may be asking why I and a publisher will be romantically dining while discussing my book. I’ve always lived by the phrase,

“If you want to get to the top, you’ve got to fuck your way there. And always pull out.”

That was the last advice my mother gave me before she joined that cult. I haven’t heard from her in awhile. It’s not a bad cult. It’s more like a grammar cult. Like for example when I use way to many commas, (which, I do often), then I receive odd trinkets in the mail meant to symbolize following the true path of proper English. Anyway, once I’ve sealed the deal, by that I mean fucked his brains out, I’m pretty sure the publishing thing is in the bag. Call me over-confident. I’ll let you know how it turns out, but I’m pretty sure, there’ll be a book signing, coming, near you, guys soon.

Hmm…There seems to be a melted carburetor in my inbox. Good old ma.

(I had no idea how to spell carburetor. Just trial and error until I didn’t get the red underline)

It’s come to my attention that Monteclaire is up to something. I was driving around town earlier today and several people asked me what the secret to Christianity was. I ignored the first few, but got annoyed after a while and when the fourth person asked the same damn question, I jokingly said “Mary wasn’t a virgin, she was actually impregnated late one night unknowingly by a grasshopper!” You know, just something random to get the person to leave me alone. Imagine my suprise when they gasped, fell to the ground, raised their hands to the sky and screamed “I knew it!” I mean what the fuck.

I need to admit that I’m behind on the next Fantastic Benefits update. But it’ll be up tomorrow. This is just a test. I’m in a battle, you see, and the overall war will either be won by me or procrastination. We shall see.

I’ve never shown you a picture of Monteclaire, have I? Well seeing as he’s been such a dick lately

There are only two things in this world we call…the world that I hate. Those are high school kids who put the “anarchy” symbol on their notebooks and this whole trend of putting sugar in bread. I mean it’s bread for god’s sake! And don’t give me all that crap about increasing yeast fermentation.

Earlier today I was forced into giving one of my deepest and darkest secrets: my biggest fear. Now, I actually have two biggest fears. For the life of me I can’t pick one over the other. One is to be face to face with a…I’d say about 10 to 12 year-old girl who is possessed by the devil. Or a lower demon, I don’t know. The other is a T-Rex. I mean think about it. What the fuck is scarier in the world than those two things?

I guess we’re talking about irrational fears here. Obviously I don’t have to worry about either of those things popping up. But people afraid of heights, spiders, or snakes have something to stand on. But as far as irrational fears go, I challenge you to tell me something scarier than late one night, you shift in bed, feel a warm body next to you, you roll over, and this is an inch away from your face

(Linda Blair haunts my nightmares)

Or, say you’re hanging from something (an edge of a house, I don’t know) for dear life and you turn your head just in time to see this below you waiting for you to fall into its teeth

(I was looking for the “Larry the Scary Rex” scene from “Clifford” but couldn’t find it. I honestly think that scene is what this fear is based on. Yes, a Martin Short movie.)

Thirty years of wandering in the desert, and my work was finally about to pay off. Not only were the people of the town grateful, but they had offered me the chance to become their king. I reluctantly accepted. Was it wrong of me? Well…yes, absolutely it was completely wrong. I mean, it’s not like I had actually done anything remotely close to deserving that. But I was in a greedy mood.Little did they know, that immediately after becoming king of the town, they would all become enslaved to the neighboring city. I got a moped out of the deal. It really isn’t as bad as it sounds. Well I guess it is, but considering all the drugs I had taken a few hours prior I’m just glad I didn’t rape anybody.

So I’m walkin’ down the street, right? I’ve got on my leather, feelin’ good, when all of a sudden, this lady comes up and she’s all like “I thought I told you…” and I’m like “yeah, WHATEVE….KKKSSSHHHHHHH….SSSSHHHHHH (static) WWWHHHIIIIRRRRRR…..

….KKSSSSHHHH….(feedback)….ello? Hello, are you there? It’s me, Monteclaire. *huff* *huff* In case you *pant* don’t know what’s going on, I’ve been interrupting Gloria’s blog once a week *huff* by jacking into the frequency…KKKSSSSHHH….aven’t been following these, I’ll conveniently categorize them for you. Check the menu on the right for them. *huff* *huff* You’ll have to excuse me being out of breath, I’ve been running for the past 20 minutes. I saw Gloria’s dad running this way with a tattered-looking scroll under his arm. He burned the rest of the records that linked Gloria with the establishment of Christianity. I don’t know if…..oh…my God…

KKKKSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……..

…There’s a…a…grasshopper, right…in front of me. It…It’s staring at me. There’s something not right about it. I can feel an evil presence here. Wait. I think…the grasshopper’s connecting with me psychically. What is it trying to show me? I think…I think I see something…it’s…

Obviously the page’s not done yet, but it’s started once again. And you can bet that it will continue to be updated by Monday every week. Speaking of which, I was out of town yesterday without my laptop so I’ve updated today today instead. I have to keep this very short because I didn’t bring my plug to the library and Lappy’s dying. It’s a miracle I’ve gotten this far. Anyway, Gold and Blue and Gray updates tomorrow.

Oh, speaking of which. My license plate was stolen over the weekend, so I got a new one today. It really isn’t as exciting as it sounds. The cool part of the story is that…well, first off when making a website you name many files. Files having to do with Gold and Blue and Gray, I label with Gold and Blue and Gray. But it’s really tiring constantly typing Gold and Blue and Gray, so I abbreviate it GBG all the time. Everywhere. So I see GBG, I think Gold and Blue and Gray. And, that’s right bitches, my license plate has GBG on it. SweeeeT! Should I not have told you that?