So; Ive been playing Hackensack with some of the group! Ive been on Facebook with some of the group! But in public no one knows me; nothing has changed. And Im starting to understand I only have a few real people interested in me! ITs great; the social that is occurring! Ive made great leaps!

Im at the giant town shopping center once a day; saying hello to people! Every morning for one hour; I have to gain at least 12 hellos.! And usually I end up with lots of stuff happening. I end up with a few conversations, and different types of social interactions.

Other important changes;

1. I am now able to walk up to someone at the meetings, kneel down, touch them, put my hand on there shoulder or back and say something nice or positive and simply walk away! Short and sweet and to the point, get up, walk away!

Pretty girls; Things are finally starting to be confronted. Ive done allot of walking at the shopping center! Ive started confronting people! This means: as Im walking down the isle I slow down and stop and let others pass me! Im not turning on to another isle. This is very important for an AVPD! Im facing forward! This is important for someone with DD. Im learning to slow down and confront; very important!

So, tonight a beautiful young women sits next to me! and I decided to just say her name; look at her, and say hello! later, after the meeting, Im playing hackie sack with her and others.

Playing hackie sack with the young beautiful girl from the meetings; It was strange and hard! And it was hard breaking the ice and saying hello to her; its not her fault! she's just as freaked as everyone else...

When playing hackie sack, I felt embarrassed being next to her or interacting with her! and I found her so attractive. And Im finding that Im living in my perverted head; and this is obvious to anyone; dirty old man! But Im considered cool enough by people; its not perfect! And Ive discussed this stuff! I can't help but not know how to relax or act around this person! its very hard! Its like looking at a women from one of my porn movie sites... And those sites kept me alive for awhile when I could not interact with anyone else. However, things are changing. Im trying to confront my demons.

Im all twisted up! Ive got un-development from ages 4 on to 6 or 7 or 8 n 9 and 10 and 11 and 12 and 13, and it just keeps going! theres no development at any age! its crazy! So, now when I see a beautiful women, Im attempting to break through these problems, but I do not know what to expect! How to act! How I will inner act without feeling sexual. Yet, other men are around these women and they don't seem to act this way! they don't seem to care at all! Its makes me feel dirty and weird and weak and seemee! Im needy; turning to these beautiful young women to fulfill the lost years of my life! I feel like a hostage maker! Like I'm trying to take them hostage; I don't, I back of and walk away!

Im lazy and in a dream world! and Im trying to stop this!

Anyway; tonight I confronted some of this! Yesterday after the meeting, another young beautiful women; normally I would shun her because I was to scared to look at her and admit this; Instead I got the courage up to look at her as she was walking toward me; say her name and say hello! So, things are changing.

Tomorrow I go to the river for three days; boating, swimming, fireworks and camping, and plenty of girls and people and food and everything else! Lots of sun!

Im on SSI! I doubt I will ever be of it. I will get married at some point! or have women in my life! so I wont be alone!

adult women are very controlling! or is it just me! seems allot of relationships die because they want control of everything! Im watching this in many women! This is not my thing, I would have to have a different type of women!