The ironic phenomenon of ugly Christmas sweaters hit shark-jump levels of cultural saturation so rapidly that I actually can’t even remember any early window of time when it wasn’t irritating (though in all fairness, I get irritated pretty easily). Entirely apart from its annoying ubiquity, the whole thing feels kind of shitty, like it’s not really mocking Christmas to wear them, it’s more like mocking people who just happen to like gaudy sweaters. And is that not punching down?

The upside of this dopey annual crap-pageant has been the profusion of cheeky takedowns. The Descendents have been making awesome gag Christmassweaters for years, and now, the twisted bastards at Middle of Beyond have given the world outright Satanic Christmas sweaters. MoB, regular DM readers may remember, are the preposterous visionaries who gave the world devil tarot card throw rugs and winter gear patterned after the carpeting in the Overlook Hotel from Stanley Kubrik’s film version of The Shining. I actually plunked for one of those Shining scarves, and to my horror, I found, when it arrived, that it was 100% acrylic (my own fault for neglecting the fine print). But for Christmas sweaters, that material isn’t just a requisite, it’s positively a boon. Designs include a straight up old-fashioned Satanic goat head snugly nestled in a red pentagram, Cthulu, Krampus, and a zombiefied Santa Claus festooned with braaaaaaiiiiiiins. So why settle for giving Christmas the finger when you can flash it the goat horns?

Since department stores and drug stores decided to pump out their Christmas tunes during Halloween (WTF?), this ill-fitting, acrylic Merry Krampus sweater sends a message I agree with:

This is a limited quantity item! Krampus is the anti-Santa Claus from Europe who punishes the naughty girls and boys on Christmas Eve. If you’re bad, instead of bringing you presents, Krampus stuffs you into a sack so that he can eat you for dinner. This sweater tells the world that even though you weren’t on your best behavior this year, you’re still in the Christmas spirit. It’s the perfect look for an ugly sweater party this holiday season.

Gl?ɬ?gg is the drink of the Gods. And now that we are on the veritable cusp of the holiday season, there is NO good reason not to make up your own batch to share with family and friends. Yes, it’s mulled wine, but with a hilarious name, and the more you drink, the funnier the name becomes, and the more you laugh about the name, the more you drink. Get it? Instant holiday cheer!