Highly Suspect Reviews: Transformers: The Last Knight

THIS IS A SPOILER REVIEW!!! Here ya go, schadenfreude fans, it’s time for your dangerously huge dose of Unusual Suspect agony as you get to hear Chris, Jon, and Matt Frank writhe in pain from their experience watching Transformers 5. Well, on the whole, Matt. Chris calls it, “The greatest film of the series.” He doesn’t mean that like you think he does. Listen to the review to see what I mean.

Born in the wilds of northern Virginia, in 1992 Chris managed to put all of his survival skills to use and barely escaped with his life to Austin Texas, where ever since he’s dabbled in everything from plumber’s assistant to sandwich maker, from band to bar management. An opportunity to see theatrical release films for free, by becoming a critic on a local public access show called “The Reel Deal”, turned into a full time job when Chris and his friends decided to take it to the internet. They built the site Spill.com, adding multiple podcasts and animated features, to no small amount of success. During this time, a fortuitous friendship sprung up between Chris and young Brian Salisbury, who was also a local film critic, and they merged their forces of will, and their laundry list of ideas for shows, to eventually build this paradise you see before you.

Fate of the Furious and Transformers: The Last Knight coming out 2 months apart really shows why I enjoy the Fast and Furious movies and loathe the Transformers movies. The FF movies wear their absurdity on their sleeves, and delivers a simple plot that is easy to follow and doesn’t overstay its welcome. Along the way the films are peppered with cheesy, melodramatic dialogue and is injected with a sense of camaraderie that it keeps the films light and fun. The films rally around the central theme of family, and, despite how ham fisted it is, it helps to give the films their own identity. Transformers, on the other hand, delivers barely anything but exposition and plot and isn’t aware of its stupidity. It all feels like everything was made up as they went along and they just find ways to drag it on and on and on and on just for the sake of going on and on and on and on. You get an hour into a film and it still feels like the film is in the introduction stage. Nothing makes any sense, which would be fine if was shorter and had some personality to make the rote delivery of the plot points more than just an excuse to have robots fight each other. A lot of the problems of Transformers would be alleviated if they were in the range of 90 and 100 minutes and were just open about the fact that it’s only there to show robots beating the crap out of each other. Fast and Furious knows exactly the kind of films that they are and doesn’t waste time delivering a convoluted and nonsensical plot with a bunch of useless characters that stretches to 2 and a half to 3 hours. Transformers starts off like something that is moderately entertaining for what it is but by the time you get near the end you feel like you’ve been there for 4 hours and you start to actively hate the film. Trying to explain this movie makes you feel like an idiot. Usually you say that to be hyperbolic, but I swear that explaining this film makes me dumber. Just giving the barebones of this story is dumb because I can’t tell you how any of it lines up with each other or what exactly the significance is with any of it. This movie is pure don’t give a crappery brought to screen and it’s hilariously messy. I’m definitely not feeling this, but boy is it a fun film to talk about. I haven’t been this excited to see reviews (and I love reviews) in a while.

birdy the critic

Matt Frank sounds so angry that it feels like he went on a cocaine bender to explain this movie.
I hope for his sake that Godzilla 2 doesn’t repeat the problem of Godzilla 2014 and the Transformers series of constantly hiding or backgrounding the giant creatures for boring human leads.

What series is Matt Frank working on currently? I haven’t seen any of his comic work since Godzilla: Rulers of Earth.

What do you mean “Why are they talking like this?” Didn’t you remember in the first Transformers movie (when Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots introduced themselves to Shia’s and Megan Fox’s characters) that Optimus says that they learned the language and cultures of Earth “through the World Wide Web”, which explains why Bumblebee uses sound clips and catchphrases as a means of communication. Considering how much internet speak has changed in ten years, it should be no surprise to anyone that aliens from other worlds would look us up through the web, see the meme filled content and say, “oh, this is how they think, act, & talk.”

Chris Cox

Don’t you remember in this movie where they say, oh yeah, forgot to mention, we’ve been on Earth, for like, FOREVER.

Rock-X

Actually, I haven’t seen this movie yet, which is ironic since of all times to miss out on a Transformers, Now is the time? Still, you’re spot on in the review of how this now contradicts lots of story elements in materials related to the first movie.

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