You Can’t Be 100 Without Being 99 First

Apparently, while most of us are spending our time asking “Did he actually just say that?” in reference to Herman Cain, other members of the US population are more goal-oriented: They are turning 100. While it’s true that some of them do it without much fanfare, and others, when wished a Happy 100! respond with “I think I did a poo,” many others are brazenly crossing the line with hats, streamers, balloons, cake, and a total disregard for the consequences their longevity will have on society.

The November issue of National Geographic brings some startling data to our attention: As of April 1, 2010, there were 53,364centenarians. If we take this number and divide by 50 (or by 37, if we ask Herman Cain), we can see that this means a lot of really old people. Or, we can divide by 49, since Florida, which has about 1000 centenarians per square block, has its own Really Old People’s Census which has been held since April 2, 1513, when the first really old people arrived with the famous Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon.

Ponce de Leon and his really old passengers were, as we can totally understand, searching for the mythical Fountain of Youth. When the Native Americans in Residence responded to PdL’s offering of cheap beads and Cain campaign DVDs, by shooting a poison arrow into PdL’s shoulder, his passengers were permanently stranded in the New World. Unfazed, they then decided to stay where they were and to invent white pants that could be worn year round. Fascinating as all this revisionist history is, we must return to the topic at hand.

Worse news from National Geographic: It is projected that there will be 601,000 centenarians in the US by 2050, a veritable deluge of really old people and one that threatens to spill over the borders of Southern Florida into several unsuspecting states.

This writer has done a fair amount of research, mostly while ripping open a bag of M&Ms with her teeth. And something startling has been uncovered to explain the dramatic rise in centenarians. Census 2000 was the first time in history that the 65 years and over population did not grow faster than the total population. Yet the older population, 85 years and older, showed the highest gain. This can only mean that a lot of people are bypassing the years 65-85 and jumping right into the 85+ group. We have no idea why this would be so. But it brings us to the very real possibility that others are bypassing the 85-99 age group and leaping right to 100.

Since all this data has entirely too many numbers in it, and since this writer doesn’t like numbers to begin with, we will end with one request: If you are over age 65, please consider going through all the numbers required and in the proper sequencebefore you hit 100. Don’t worry. Social security might be bankrupt, but we’ll make sure there are enough party hats, balloons, and cake for you.

Hey, once you hit the age of Senior Discounts at IHOP or Golden Corral, there is no need to linger around those piddling middle old-age years fraught with “donut holes” in your medicare coverage. Get right to the flaming birthday cake, pronouncement of your longevity by Willard Scott, and taking your driving lane right out of the middle of the road that you can’t see over the steering wheel.

I am afraid all 601,000 centagenarians will be living in my neighborhood in 2050 when I shall be a sprightly 95 years old (and probably still working) or staging an “Occupy Ponce deLeon Park Rally and Wheelchair Parade”.

Okay, I turn 50 next year. I take this to mean I could skip turning half a century all together and move right on up to 100, by-passing all the messy math and odd numbers in between. Were I to do that, could you arrange for the party hats and cake? I like white cake with buttercream icing–in case you care–lots of icing–in the event that you are feeling extra generous. This route to skipping 50 really works for me, especially if there is lots of cake involved. Did I mention extra icing?
Kathy

See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. People like you refuse to do all the hard work in the years between 50 and 100, things like trying to make sense out of all those pesky Medicare options and lobbying for soft food choices on the Denny Early Bird Specials Menu. You just want to skip to the perks. And yes, you did mention the extra icing part. Shame on you.

Question Sandwich with Kathy’s question. Next year I’ll turn 25 which is, like, a quarter of a hundred. If Kathy’s cheating can I cheat? Sure, it’s like skipping 75 spaces on a board game, but in multiplication terms, it’s only like fudging the numbers by 4. I also covet the heavy frosting and prefer party hats without the chin-restricting elastic 🙂

Whaaaaa, you are 24???? 24, as in barely old enough to vote and still having breasts that are in the correct place? When I was 24 I was walking through snow drifts up to my neck, and it wasn’t even snowing. Damn. I do remember that the wheel had been recently invented, and we were all really excited about that. But I digress. Damn. I don’t want to digress. You are 24, and you are a seriously dynamite writer. You will be famous someday that won’t have anything to do with violence or political corruption. Now I can get back to the icing part: I hate icing, so you two can have mine. Done.

I remember when (OMG! I really said that!) I was a young Boomer and the prevalent saying was don’t trust anyone over 30….remember? Well, I remember a fair amount of trauma surrounding my 30th birthday, but surprisingly the years in between have somehow all blended together and low and behold yesterday I received in the mail my packet explaining Medicare. How the f did that happen I want to know? Where did those years go and is this going to happen again so that I all of a sudden hear Willard announcing my name? And who will announce Willards name? Oh the humanity!

There have always been all kinds of people walking around completely shell-shocked, saying “I just used to be a kid yesterday, and now I am 30 and I can’t find my bong,” and boomer+ parents responding with “Are you going to move out of the basement now?”

My mil is 93. And never fails to remind us every time we talk to her. Her sister is 96 or something old like that. So add them to the statistics. I doubt I’ll make it to that age, but it would be neat to find out what our country is like in the next 50 years.

I love Carl’s comment. There are good things about making it to 100. No peer pressure, no need to give a crap about anything. My grandmother lived to 100. We had a big celebration for her, reserved a banquet hall…invited lots of people, had a cake, decorations etc. All of us went up to a microphone to tell stories and talk about what she meant to us. As I was sitting there in the audience next to her in her wheelchair, she kept sighing loudly. I asked her how she was doing and she gave me a look, rolled her eyes and said, “What the hell are all these people up there yapping about anyway?”

Priceless. Was she that way throughout her life, or did she become that way later? Mu aunt just turned 90 and she has gome from being really feisty to being very calm and grateful for everything that comes her way. Five years ago, she was the poster child for the Glass Half Empty belief system.

She was very down-to-earth her entire life. A typical Mainer: a stubborn, tell it like it is, hilarious woman. When she hit her 90s, she was even more so. I hope to be like her someday. No finer gift than to be able to laugh at the absurdities in life.

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