Dina Lohan Is Writing a Book, Hates California + Wants Lindsay to Get Married [VIDEO]

Dina Lohan is nothing if not a dreamer. The Orange Oprah and far-too-proud mom of Lindsay Lohan inexplicably sat down for an interview with 'Extra,' where she discussed her upcoming book (oh, great) and her hopes for her daughter (we all ran out of those after 'Liz & Dick').

Dina also thinks that living on the left coast has had an impact on Lindsay's ability to avoid things like booze, lying to cops, firing good lawyers -- the usual. “I have been trying to get her out of [L.A.] for five years," Dina stammered. "She’s safer at home.”

“That was so silly," Dina scoffed. "We got to the hotel, and there were so many paparazzi, so we opted out. We went to another hotel, the suites were full and then we ended up at the Beverly Hills Hotel.”

This, despite Lohan allegedly trashing the trailers on the set of 'Scary Movie 5' and calling paps herself for a paycheck? Oh.

Of course, Dina, like her ex husband and Lindsay's father Michael, thinks she's an unfair tabloid target despite doing press all the time herself to court attention ... so she's writing a tell-all. For more privacy. If you're not following this, it means you're into things like logic. You should stop that. You'll just get hurt.

The tome, titled 'A Parent Trapped' (we see what she did there!) chronicles her life, including alleged domestic violence at the hands of Michael Lohan.

“I don’t really want to speak about that on camera, but I've been a single mom my whole life."

Except, you know, when she was married.

She added, "I've had sole custody and my other three have had no relationship with him … yes, I feel like I’m the victim of domestic violence for years, so if I can save a life or change a life. I want it to be a helpful book. I’m always hopeful things will get better, and slowly but surely, hopefully they are.”

The book will only be helpful in furthering her daughter's consistently downward spiral and her own desperation for fame. And, you know, the number of selections in the bargain fiction section.

As for her plans for herself and hopes for Lindsay's future? She wants Lindsay to settle down and get married (and says Max George of the Wanted is a "sweetheart," despite disparaging Lindsay in the press every chance he gets) and says she just wants to babysit.