I grew up in a very violent household. I was molested by my brother from the time I was 4 until about 15.

In Jan 2009 I started dating a state police officer. At first he wined and dined me. After about 5-6 months he started get more and more jealous. There was always weird jealousy but it started getting weird/creepy.

He was sure I was doing something with my exhusband. My exhusband was an abusive idiot and my boyfriend knew this.

He started following me around and driving by my ex's house...long story but it was weird and creepy.

One night we were in bed and I was at the end of my monthly cycle. He wanted to perform oral sex on me but I felt creeped out. This guy was at least 100 pounds heavier than me and a very good wrestler and a state police officer...trained to imobilize people. He never did this before or after...but..He layed his entire body on top of my legs. I told him no, stop, please don't but he pulled my panties back and started performing oral sex on me.

I was trying to stop him. Tried moving my legs but I could not move one inch. I started crying and told myself to relax because obviously he was not going to stop and I was in pain.

I continued dating him. Dumb I know...but I lost it and started drinking heavily. We kept breaking up. He would break up w/me; I would break up w/him. I am struggling right now. Drinking. Gained lots of weight. Used to workout at least 1 hour every single night. I met him at the gym and now when I go there and see him I shake uncontrollably.

I am sick of feeling like a victim while he just continues on with his life.

I am just so damn lost right now. How do I break out of the victim role for the millionth time??

Sorry...adding this at the end because I forgot to mention...when he was done performing oral sex on me he whispered in my ear that no meant yes and he had been trying to get down there all week.

myturnnow

Apr 24 2010, 07:26 PM

Oh my...I am sooooo sorry for what you've had to go through! You seem to have gone through a lot of trauma and pain. I have aswell and its a horrible thing to go through, and I thought itd get better as I got older but that was definately not true!!!

Km glad you have come on here to talk bout it. I think you should tell someone. Espeically bout your ex-boyfriend and especially because he's an officer. That is a very creepy thing to do and I would say that's sexual assualt and rape in a sense. Especially since you had said no.

It is so important to talk to someone you trust. Its a hard thing to do but its so necesaary for your health and well-being.

Struggling4agoodlife

Jun 29 2010, 05:54 AM

Thanks for responding. I do not know why but I checked back and could not see your comment. I have spoken to my oldest sister and confided everything to her. And, I agree, you think things will get easier and they do not. Well, I think the incident w/exboyfriend brought back all the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness and crushed my self confidence. I know I can pull myself out of this but it's just so hard because the exboyfriend keeps showing up. For instance on mothers day he showed up @ a restaurant where he KNOWS my family goes every single holiday. It upset me so much I could barely eat and just sat in my chair on the verge of tears shaking out of control. I have realized this man is just pure evil. But still I am becoming more concerned for my safety. I think he showed up @ the restaurant to intimidate...well, it worked!

myturnnow

Jul 6 2010, 07:44 PM

Hello again Ya I know what you mean.... Its like when I feel good bout things and then BOOM #### hits the fan and things just all come roaring back....Ya I can't believe your ex would do that. He's got some balls to go and not only make you feel awkward but to interupt your family. It was mothers day too....I can't believe that. I can just imagine how much what he did to you really brought hings back to you...

I think you should really talk to someone bout his doing these things to you. Maybe you need to go higher and think bout getting like a restraining order against him. Just my opinion. Does your family know bout the abuse? Like as a child or with your ex?

onyourside

Jul 6 2010, 09:30 PM

your right. it was. you were crying and telling him to stop. he should have. he is a jerk for this. you had to grow up with such a different state of mind than what most people do. i grew up in an awesome family and i got raped in college by my friends. i couldnt forgive them and have no friends. which better. i would rather not be harmed in that way then be with them. your mind cannot keep going through that. since you did grow up on another end of the spectrum he wasnt in your mind. he wanted to please you. (####ing jerk should know NO MEANS NO--- not your fault). Guys are more sexual and women want pleasure. he was thinking he would please you and show you that you can say no to him and it would rather please you than harm you. i am not with him on this because he should know as a police officer he should not have done this. but he is always thinking that is with a gorgeous lady that he is with. every guy wants to know they can heal anything you are going through. the joke and poke- not neccassarily a bad thing but this is. people are so uneducated about raped women and it has happened to you since you were little. i am with you. you were crying and saying no. he wanted to bring you up. show you he was on yoru side and make you feel good. he didnt understand. he still should have been more sensible to your needs. guys tend to do that. personal experience shows me that it's difficult to trust men NO ####!!! they dont deserve to be trusted at first and you shouldnt trust them. i know you are activated. Honestly you need a really good female friend to help you out. you konw what i mean. if you have a real friend then yes she will understand. most women will do it. sensitive to your demands. DO IT!!! you need a man and you will get one. you have to look for it.

mommanessy247

Jul 16 2010, 06:17 AM

i was in a relationship when i was 17 with a boy that was "perfect" in all standards, just graduated high school himself ( i was a senior then) he had a job & a car. my parents really liked him and my mom fed him like crazy every time he came over, even when he said no thank you, lol. when my dad would tell him to have me home at a certain time he'd push me in the door 2 minutes before hand. my dad really liked that.anyways, one night we were out in a deserted desert area outside of town makin' out in his car. things got hot & heavy and we ended up in his back seat. as he stripped my clothes off he kept whispering in my ear that he loved me & that wanted me so bad. whoowee believe me i wanted him too but i thought we were just gonna continue making out and maybe touch each other all over. i thought it was weird that he was undressing me. i was wearing a skirt and he pulled that up and got himself between my legs. right when he was about to thrust himself inside of me, it suddenly hit me what we were about to do. i panicked and got my legs crossed underneath his body and said i was so sorry and that i couldn't do it because i just wasn't ready. he got angry and forced my legs apart. i started crying and saying "please no" and "stop". right as he was about to thrust himself inside me again he suddenly stopped and stared down at me for a few minutes before getting off me & zipping up outside the car. he got in behind the wheel and said " come on, i'll take you home". i think he stopped himself because he'd suddenly remembered that my dad was a cop. talk about about relief...oh my word! long story short, he ended up finding someone else to f*** and dumped me.i just had to tell that story cuz you were talking about a cop and it reminded me of that time when my dad was one.

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