What I am thinking of writing at the time I write it

Middle child turning 21…..OH no, I am getting old!

HOLY COW, My middle child will turn 21 on Ash Wednesday. What am I going to do? I know, Grow Older and wiser

Not too many of you know this but my middle child and I once had a really tight relationship….and then, he turned 15 and I was not the cool dad anymore. I turned into the parent that did not care….did not give a care….did not understand him….did not…….well, you know how it goes.

I love my child. But I did lose him. From 16-19 he was as distant as a child can be to his father. And I was lost as well. I tried to reach him but his lashing out at me caused me to hide like a turtle retreating to his shell. Finding him like he was when he was 7 was like trying to look for hens teeth: (anything very rare or impossible to obtain is said to be like finding hen’s teeth). I really thought I lost him and for those 3 years I was convinced he would not want to be in my family again.

He quit going to church, he broke up with his girlfriend and broke it off with those who loved him (esp my mother, his grandmother)

Before my mom died, She told me something about Child #2 that kind of disturbed me but I have come to understand she was right: He will break your heart AND crush your soul and it will take a long time to repair. You (that would be me) must NEVER give up on him. Remember your stumbling and trip ups as they will be your map to get him back in your arms. We (your father and me) did that with you. Now, you are precious with me and have been for the last 30 years….He will come back but it will not be right away. He needs to find his way BACK to you and his mother…..but it will feel like an eternity…never stop praying for him and all your children; sure enough, he became my prodigal son. He had NOTHING to do with me. He got messed up with so many vices that I am thankful he is alive. But I missed him so deeply. So many nights I tried to figure him out and where I went wrong as a father. I felt like I was a failure. A failure that I did not get into his life as I went too far to give him his space. Space that I thought he wanted but in retrospect, it must have felt that I abandoned him. I am sure he did not feel like he was worthy or I loved his brothers more or he let me down. Man, was it hard.

But I bring this blog to its present day. The Separation did not work out. We had a deeply emotional and fiercely passionate come to Jesus Meeting one night on the porch. I can not recall if I ever cried in front of any of my children but I did that night….I told him what was happening to him and what I know WOULD happen to him if he continued his current path.

today, Ash Wednesday he turns 21. And my perspective is that he has all the freedom you can possibly want. And that freedom now came with a price. The price of not having your mom or your dad or your family right where you need them when you really need them. I am proud to see him becoming the man that he is but I also know he has a very long long journey ahead of him as do all of my children. And as he thinks he has the independence and thinks he has things figured out being 21 years old he kind a has the thought of invincibility meaning he may think he is 10 feet tall bulletproof and completely self-sufficient..

I Find it ironic that I get a text at 1:24 AM this morning letting me know that he has a blown tire. At first I thought he was summoning me to rescue him but after about nine hours, he has solved this problem with out me

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