hey there.

23.12.16

17.12.16

I hate it when people insists that I'm not happy because I'm single. That "deep inside" I'm unhappy. If I've said it a hundred times over, I'm good. I've stopped explaining a long time ago, they won't understand anyway. Some people are so narrow-minded. I don't need someoje else to complete me. I'm perfectly fine. Maybe you should worry about yourself instead of focusing on me. Ugh!

1.12.16

Saw this meme on Facebook that says "when I was young, I told myself I'd be married at 23" made me laugh coz when I was you I always thought I'd be dead by 23. Me and my crazy ass thing about dying young.

12.9.16

Sometimes I think if there's still something wrong with me. Like it didn't really go away. I can still feel it, hiding, bidding its time. I'd like to think I overcame it, all on my own, without asking help from anyone. Coz really, who can help and what can they do? It's my fight with my own head. These days and these past years I feel fine, normal. But suddenly there are just days when i feel nothing again. The apathy is too strong, I don't want to do anything but lie down and read. When I'm starting to read too much,it comes. In waves then all at once. Other times, I feel to much. I cry for no reason, all I remember are bad memories, I think too much. But I think it's a lot better than not feeling anything. I'm trying to fight it, I think I'm winning, but I could be wrong. I don't know what I want. That what scares me. I need to want something again so I could focus on that and not lose myself. I need more great days. I need to feel ok, coz I feel like sinking again. I don't want to. I have to pull myself together. I have to. No one else will do it for me. I have to be ok for me.

7.9.16

You're so weird and sometimes I don't get you, but I'm starting to really admit that I kind of like you like you. Gah. And I'm so dead sometimes so I may or may have agreed to whatever people tell me. Haha

19.8.16

It's not fair. Nanay died a little more than a month after she was diagnosed with cancer. It's not fair. She wasn't supposed to die. We shouldn't be commemorating her death. I hate all the doctors there. I've never forgiven anyone in that hospital yet. I haven't forgiven myself yet. She wasn't supposed to die.

26.7.16

I'm crying why am I crying what the hell is this I don't even know what I'm feeling right now I don't feel anything but I'm crying I hate this I hate this stop coming back I was perfectly fine please be gone by the time I wake up please

14.6.16

18.5.16

I'm too old to still be doing this, but I have to get this off my head.

I keep having flashbacks of the jumps. When I do, it's immediate that thoughts of you comes after. It's frustrating coz I want it out of my head and I just can't seem to. You're in my head. Why are you in my head? Why are you still in my head? I want you out. I can't do this again. I can't keep getting into this kind of thing where I'm the only one feeling things. It's not fair to me. I know I sound whiny, of course I am. That's what happens when you're always on this side - the outside. It's not fair. I'm always on the outside, looking into whatever

I can't even tell anyone, because then it'll be real. I don't want it to be real. It can't be. It just can't.

17.6.15

14.6.15

Oh god. Lol. Haha. I was stupid for a while there. How did I even think of that. This is why I should never trust my gut feel. I should only rely on facts. Ouch. Rule number one. Alway remember. Should have it etched in my brain. Ouch. Oh well. Moving on...

10.6.15

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AND WHAT DOES IT FUCKING MEAN??!! STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD! YOU MADE IT HERE SO IT ONLY MEANS YOU'RE TOO MUCH FOR MY BRAIN TO TAKE. UGH! STOP IT! OR NOT, IT'S BETTER IF YOU DON'T. HAHA

17.5.15

Hi 'Nay. I know I said that hindi na ko masyadong galit, siguro nga hindi. But the thing is I can't forgive her. Not after all the things she said to you. Cousins, tss, it's just a fucking label. She's not my cousin, I don't want her to be. Kapal ng muka talaga. Abnormal nga yata siya 'Nay. Tangina, sorry, pero I really can't get myself to forget the things she did. Things will not be the same with her. Just her, though. Sorry.

16.2.15

15.2.15

We're out having dinner. Right now. And all I want to do is go home and lie on my bed and stare at my ceiling. Is that bad? I want to cry. Is that bad? I'm having all these thoughts again. I guess that's bad. I have to pick myself up real quick before this turns into something big. I can't go back to that. I just can't. Not when I've already decided on finally doing what I'm afraid to do. This just can't happen to me again.

A little before two hours after my birthday (that sentence made very few or no sense at all)...

Hey. So yea, I just turned a year older. Spent the day exactly how I want it to - by myself. Technically, I was with my sister-in-law but she was in her room almost the whole time. We talk for a bit, 'twas cool. Slept most of the day away, watch re-runs of HOw I Met Your Mother, and avoided social media and the rest of the world. Exactly the way I like to spend my day. My family almost talked me into going out to dinner but I talked them into going out tomorrow instead. I just really want to stay home and ignore everyone. Then a little after dinner, I went to my room and for some reason that even I don't understand, I started crying. Like really crying - sobbing and shit. My existential crisis game is on point as fuck. Just had to come when I don't want it to and in waves. I feel so fucking empty, unaccomplished, unworthy, and alone all of a sudden. And scared. Another year and still, nothing's going on with my life. I seem to be forever stuck. I have to stop being afraid and make my decision soon...

30.12.14

16.7.14

Just when you thought you've finally gotten brave and decided to speak your mind, they laugh and tell you it's just not possible. They need you. You don't need to find yourself. Thy need you. What you want is not important, all that matters is they need you and that you have to be there for them. Wow. And the thing is, I no longer feel like crying. I'm way past it. This is too much.

15.6.14

13.4.14

I'm ok. I'd like to think that I'm happy. I think I am. I just have a little issue. In my head, I've never thought I'd live to this age and I now i don't really know what to do? (I'm over using the question mark but whatever) for as long as I can remember (not really, grade school days) I've had an obsession? With dying young. I dunno why. I've alway thought its better than dying of old age. Less drama, less hardships. But I dot really feel that way now. Why is it so hard to fucking explain your own feelings? It's so weird. I'm ok but my thoughts are on it's dead end. Can't day dream past this age. Haha. I guess this is what living each day as it comes is. It's kinda scary and nice. Whatever. Why can't I construct proper sentences. Ugh.

24.3.14

22.2.14

Made up with the bff. Haha. Fighting with people you love or people in general is exhausting. Fighting with my mom is heartbreaking. We're kind of ok now. Not back to the way it were, but ok nonetheless.

16.2.14

14.2.14

Went to church for the first time after so long. Almost cried my eyes out. During homily, the priest said that God loves us all differently. Uniquely. I wonder sometimes if He really does. I have so many things to be thankful for and I am really thankful, I just am a really horrible person. I've upset my whole family. I don't even know why or how I did it. I don't want to talk, there's nothing to say. I don't want to apologize, I've done nothing wrong. At least that's what I think. I'm always the one apologizing, everything is always my fault. Even if I'm the one being misunderstood, the blame is always on me. So I was given a deadline to fix this thing that I apparently did. I already suck at apologies as it is, how do you think I'd fare for apologizing for something I didn't do. I wish this'll just go away. I'm never leaving this room.