The Plight of the Asian-loving Non-Asian Woman

by Original Bitter Asian Men on September 18, 2008

This site’s been up for quite awhile now. Every now and then, I’ll get an email from a non-Asian woman who likes Asian men. The email will go something like “Help! I’m a white/black/Latino/Arab woman who likes Asian men, but they won’t even look at me twice! I’ve given up on white/black/Latino/Arab men because (insert reason here), but I can’t get the Asian guy that I really want! What do I do?” The plight of these Asian-loving Non-Asian Women – hereby abbreviated ALNAW on this site – is complex and is worth looking at. I can’t promise effective solutions (who do you think I am, the Asian Dr. Phil?), but at the very least we can take a look at the issues that confront ALNAWs and what can be done about them… if anything.

Issue #1: Racism and Cultural Standards of Beauty
One reason that many Asian guys won’t look at non-Asian girls is the issue of racism and culture. Asians aren’t perfect – racism does exist among the Asian population. Even if your target guy is himself not racist, there is a chance that his parents might be. Some of the less-understanding Asian parents would be absolutely horrified at the concept of their son dating a non-Asian girl, and so the son himself may, consciously or not, avoid associating with such girls.

What can be done about this?

Not much, unfortunately. Depending on how under the shadow of their parents the Asian guy is, you may in fact not be able to do anything. Still, there’s certain things that can help. Show an appreciation for the culture. Be as understanding and respectful as possible. If you are studying the home language of your target guy and his family, big bonus! (But be careful! Inter-Asian racism also happens. If your target guy and his family is Korean, it may in fact be a big mistake to bring up that you’re studying Japanese, as many Korean families hate Japan to this day!)Issue #1b: Addendum for non-white women

The situation is even tougher for non-white ALNAWs. Many black or Latino women have written in asking why many Asians are willing to seek out white women but aren’t willing to date black or Latino women. I suspect that aside from the racism issue above, there is a cultural aspect. You see, in East Asian cultures, pale is considered beautiful. Whereas in the US, women buy bronzing lotions and go out and get tans, in Asian cultures women go out and buy whitening creams and carry parasols to keep the sun off of them. Therefore by extension, just by this little cultural difference and how they are brought up, many Asian guys are much more likely to find (pale) white women attractive as opposed to a black or Latino woman. If your target guy is Indian or Filipino, for instance, this isn’t going to be as big of an issue, but if your target guy is Chinese, Japanese, or Korean, finding one who likes duskier women is tough indeed.

Issue #2: Pressure From Friends and Society

Many of those who have written into the site have mentioned how, upon telling their friends that they prefer Asian men, they get terrified reactions ranging from ‘You like WHAT?’ to ‘But he’s going to beat you and keep you in the kitchen all day!’ The source of these reactions have already been mentioned elsewhere on the site; you don’t need me to preach to you again on negative stereotypes of Asian men and how they are propagated.

What can you do? Educating your friends is a good first step. Hell, show them this website! As long as they have a sense of humor (if they don’t, I suggest you stop being friends with them – joking, just joking!) they might learn a little. But, of course, nobody can change a person if they themselves are willing to change. If that’s the case, screw your friends – seize your own happiness, and who cares what your friends say about you and your Asian guy?

Issue #3: Passivity

Another point mentioned often in emails is a situation such as the following:

“I go to a library/coffee shop where there are tons of Asian guys, but none of them ever talk to me! Instead, some creepy white guys always try to pick me up! What gives?”

What gives is the issue of passivity. Many who write in go on to add that they are “traditional girls”, i.e., they would rather that the guy approach them and ask them out; they would never approach a guy and ask him out. I will say right here that if you are a traditional girl, you are going to severely hamper your chances of getting an Asian guy. Here is why. Asian culture, as I’ve gone into at length elsewhere on this site, is built around respect as well as polite distance. There is almost no way an Asian guy who is in touch with his culture will strike up a conversation with a woman he doesn’t know in a place like a coffee shop – this just doesn’t happen in Asian cultures. Doing so would be considered rude and terribly forward. Now, if you’re at party or a dance club, can you expect an Asian guy you don’t know to approach you? Sure. But if you’re at a library, or a coffee shop, or elsewhere, forget it.

So again, what can you do? If you are a traditional girl, my first advice is: stop being a traditional girl. It’s the 21st century – there’s nothing wrong with a girl asking a guy out; nobody (nobody important anyway) will consider you too forward or a slut. If you can’t give up being traditional, your next step is to be resigned to the fact that it’s going to be much harder for you to find that right Asian guy. About all you can do is find a place with TONS of Asian guys, and hope that you catch the eye of the right one. Be encouraging, too. You don’t have to approach them, but if you make eye contact, smile or nod. It’ll make it that much easier for the Asian guy to break down the cultural notion that approaching you would be rude and unwelcome. Barring this, get your friends to help. Having your friends introduce you to Asian guys they know eliminates the ‘stranger’ designation and once again makes it more culturally acceptable for the Asian guy to approach you.

Issue #4: Don’t Settle For Less Than What You Deserve

Remember above all, just because a guy is Asian doesn’t mean he’s a winner. If you’re sick of dating frat boys and would rather date an Asian guy because Asians in general are more respectful towards women, for the love of god don’t date a twinkie who treats you like crap just because he’s Asian! There’s some other Asian guy out there who’s much more willing to give you the respect you deserve.

I hope this article has given you some insight into what it’s like to be a ALNAW and what you can do about it. Not being ALNAWs ourselves, we don’t really know ‘what it’s like’, we can only report secondhand and give advice that may or may not work. If you have further issues that you would like addressed here, please, comment! We’d love to hear your questions and concerns.