"If the Passover Story Were Reported
by The New York Times or CNN"

by Daniel P. Waxman

The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight
in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and
disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this
week in the form of the plague of darkness.

Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply
impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a
frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts
that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of
Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me."

While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed
upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only
the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It
is the right of every society."

Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the
Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower God.

The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish
aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back
to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President
Jacques Chirac.

Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's
chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the
firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is
the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews
have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed
the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really a very
nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him," gushes
Shapiro.

The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to
negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise
to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and
harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive.
"Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states.
"The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through
these plagues."

The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. If
only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease
having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown
Prince Abdullah declared.