What To Do When The Guy You Like Is A Terrible Kisser

We’ve all been there. You meet a guy that you really like, the first couple of dates are great, and you can’t wait for that first kiss. But when it happens, it’s awful. But while you’re frustrated and disappointed, you’re not ready to give up on him yet — even if he is a bad kisser.

We’ve all kissed guys who slobber, are too rough, lack passion, seem uninterested, or are boring. It doesn’t take long to weigh the options: you’ll either have to put your needs on a back burner and be grossed out, or risk hurting his feelings. But there is another option: you can learn how to teach a guy to kiss.

Is it possible to turn this around? It depends. He’s made it this far kissing like he does, so he probably thinks he’s doing okay. Maybe his ex actually trained him, and he thinks he’s the bee’s knees. There are probably women he’s perfectly compatible with, which makes him a great kisser in their eyes!

So, what’s the solution? You might think telling your date that he's a bad kisser is the solution, but telling him is NOT a good idea. This is not the time to be honest. His ego would be unnecessarily bruised, and he’d be even more nervous kissing you — if he was brave enough to try again at all.

But what about sneaking in a little tutorial? What have you got to lose? Here are 7 kind-but-assertive steps for how to teach a guy to kiss — and kiss well.

1. Don’t judge yourself by his response.

While you want to approach him in a way that lets him “save face,” it’s also important to let go of the belief that you’re responsible for his feelings. Keep in mind that you are telling him something about you that’s necessary for him to know if there’s any chance of things moving forward.

Be comfortable with yourself and confident in your message. Your message of “I’m okay, you’re okay — we just need to figure something out” gets conveyed through your words, voice, and mostly body language. Good eye contact, along with being positive, warm, and open is key.

3. Lead the way.

If you want a slow, romantic kiss, then tell him, and proceed to kiss him the way you want to be kissed. You can subtly “play” while kissing, pulling back and moving forward, giving him a sense of there being many ways to move around.

4. Pull back if you don’t like something.

You don’t have to be mean or rude. Just pulling your head back a little will give him enough of a hint if you don’t like something. Or commenting playfully that you can’t breathe. It’s good to keep things light, but still say what you need to.

5. Ask for his likes and dislikes — and then have him show you.

By doing this, he’ll know that you’re interested in his needs, and that pleasure is mutual and reciprocal. State your preferences, but in a way that says, “I like this, but I LOVE that!” Then rev up your responsiveness to show him the perks of making you feel good.

6. Let him know when you like what he’s doing.

Give verbal (or audible) and nonverbal positive reinforcement. If you’re kissing, that means a low-pitched groan or a throaty whisper in his ear, “I love it when you do that.” Or you can be more casual. A simple, “I like that” or “Do that again” will help build his confidence and teach him about you.

He’ll remember this not only because it was such a turn-on, but because, with repetition, his brain is actually being rewired to connect the things he did with what brings you pleasure.

7. Hang in there, because if he’s a great guy it will be worth the effort.

There’s nothing more disappointing than finding out that the one person you’ve chosen to focus your dating attention on doesn’t kiss well. But hanging in there and showing him what you like — especially if it’s communicated in a light and accepting way — can work.

Practice doesn’t make perfect right away, but if there’s enough improvement, it will definitely be more fun getting there. And if you’re both good students of each other needs, there’s no telling how much fun the learning will be.

Dr. Sue Mandel is a Psychologist, certified Dating Coach, and certified Life Coach who specializes in dating, relationships and the psychobiology of love. For Dr. Sue’s help with your dating dilemma, contact her to schedule your free 20-minute consultation.