Oh For a Crystal Ball

Last year, a lot came up that I wasn’t really expecting. A bunch of chemical pregnancies, a move and change of jobs, the economy overall, my grandmother’s death.

This year…..well, there is stuff ahead that I’m fully aware of. Stuff that will be hard and stressful and scary. Does knowing about it make it easier? I honestly don’t know.

On the fertility front…..as we head into what is probably our last cycle, my doctor has managed to consult with a doctor in Chicago, one of the leading RE’s in terms of pregnancy loss apparently, about my case. And so on Tuesday of last week I headed off and had TWENTY (yup – 20) vials of blood drawn. Neither the nurses nor the lab person had ever seen anyone tested for killer cells. The lab girl, who does a good job but always tells me how scared she is of trying to get blood from me (yeah, thanks for that!) was more nervous than I was. But they filled those vials and sent most of them off to Chicago.

The really, really good part of this is that my doctor has managed to be the consulting Doctor for this and my lab is doing it (supposedly, although I’m confused by how it’s working) for my normal $20 copay. And we might have some answers finally.

The really, really bad part of this is that my cycle is meant to start next week. And the test results will take 2-3 weeks to come back.

Because paying for IVIG while hubby isn’t working and the economy is tanking around us, doesn’t seem possible, Dr. Ambitious is going to pump me full of Heparin, Steroids and yet more baby asperin. Yes, that’s in addition to the SIX vials of Repronex I’ll be getting twice a day. Did I mention that we’re aiming for a “better” result than the 14 follicles we had last time? Go for broke, indeed.

On the work front……We’re not yet at the fork in the road but we can see it looming and neither hubby nor I really know what to do about it. My old boss, who is still begging me to come back and willing to pay for relocation, etc. still can’t wrap her head around the idea of a department head who is offsite. But she keeps the relocation offer on the table. And she voluntarily gave me a raise in my freelance rates.

As for my current job…..it’s hard to put into words. I care deeply about the product that we create (far more than I did in my past job). And I don’t mind my work. But I’ll never fit in with my coworkers (who are much younger and either still clawing their way up the professional ladder even if they have to work 24 hours a day to do it or basically just content with not really doing much) and Mr. and Mrs. Company Owner frustrate me more and more each day. It isn’t like I have an ineffective boss who might one day leave. I report to the ineffective owners who are never going to go anywhere except on really expensive vacations with their kids and nannies while telling us that the economy and sagging sales mean that my commission (above base) won’t be paid for at least the first year. Honestly, I don’t begrudge them their life or success. But their lack of focus (or rather, their focus on way too many things) is making it impossible for me to do my job effectively. And it’s starting to drain me.

It’s a hard issue. I really like where we live and would have a hard time moving back to the grey, dirty city. But we’d be much better off financially, with real benefits, and I’d be doing a job that made sense. Hubby though would be miserable back there. So what’s the answer? I don’t know but I suspect we’ll have to take a guess in a few months time, one way or another.

The holidays this year were nice and quiet. I’d hoped to feel rested at the end of our time off. But I’m not sure I achieved that and I’m not sure I really got anything done either. As usual, I’m pretty much stuck in the middle, with a shining sliver of optimistic hope burning somewhere deep……….

Responses

Just has the test on the 30th. I could not believe the amount of vials, I was glad I didn’t know about the amount prior to the test, never would have gone through with it. Good luck and Happy New Year!