He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment. –Meister Eckhart

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In order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish you attachment to it. Deepak Chopra

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It doesn’t take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go. J. C. Watts –

To be consistently effective, you must put a certain distance between yourself and what happens to you on the golf course. This is not indifference, it’s detachment. -Sam Snead

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When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. Lao Tzu

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I cannot own anything. It is a valuable thought to keep in mind as you struggle to improve your financial picture, worry about investments, and plan how to acquire more and more. It is a universal principle which you are part of. You must release everything when you truly awaken. Are you letting your life go by in frustration and worry over not having enough? If so, relax and remember that you only get what you have for a short period of time. When you awaken you will see the folly of being attached to anything. Wayne Dyer

I’ve written about having faith in others, in yourself, in a Higher Power, etc. before. I’ve talked about letting go in similar ways related to our desires and intentions, and even a little about letting go in relationships and with the loss of a loved ones. I’ve discussed detachment a bit too.

I must be honest, these are some of the harder things for me. In particular, I had difficulty for quite a while with letting go – or what some call the law of detachment.

We’ve had challenges and uncertainty in life and in the world/health/economy. We often consider that uncertainty is always bad.

But it is important to realize that there are good things related to uncertainty. With uncertainty there is a break or freedom from what has happened – from the past. The past does not equal the future. We have the opportunity to escape our own past habits, conditioning, from what we now know. It is an opportunity.

If we are willing to step into the unknown, to have faith, and to detach ourselves from the outcome, we surrender ourselves to our own creative subconscious, to other people’s love and support, and to the creative powers that exist in this universe.

This doesn’t mean that you give up the intention or the desire, but you give up the attachment to the result.

That’s sometimes a little esoteric for me and difficult for me to do. I do know that it can also be very powerful.

I think about times in the past when I felt that I ‘needed’ a chunk of money to pay something. There are times when I needed a few hundred, other times when I needed tens of thousands of dollars for something.

Maybe for you it was a relationship that you wanted. Or maybe you wanted a new client, more sales, a new car, a house, that gadget, whatever.

We focus on it and we think about it and really just hang on it, right? We have a burning desire, we make a strategy and we really, really want it.

This is typically attachment. Typically this is not helpful. It can be based on insecurity, fear, scarcity. We think that we don’t have it, that it is separate from us and that we have a void and we want it to fill the void. If you think about creation and abundance, those things are opposites. It can also show a lack of faith in ourselves and Creation.

Abundance, Creation, wealth, can fulfill every need. But are these things that we are chasing, really a need? Are they really necessary?

When we ‘chase things’ we create anxiety, tension, stress, don’t we?

As Deepak Chopra says, “Attachment comes from poverty consciousness, because attachment is always to symbols. Detachment is synonymous with wealth consciousness, because with detachment there is freedom to create. Only from detached involvement can one have joy and laughter.”

(When Chopra speaks of symbols, he means the materialistic, physical things that we desire in life; cars, money, homes, clothes, etc. Often these things can leave us feeling hollow.)

Attachment leads us more towards a world of helplessness, hopelessness, desperation and seriousness, doesn’t it? Think of those times when you felt that you needed something ASAP. You probably worried more, thought about the problem, thought about something related to it from the past or future and you weren’t in the present moment. You probably weren’t as creative or joyful, right?

So How do we DETACH?: Essentially let go or hand over things to your Creator/God/Higher Power. Let go of all the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Realize and take responsibility for your own actions and accept that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself. Let go of the “need” to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.

Real detachment means inner strength, and the ability to function calmly and with full inner control under all circumstances. A detached person is not harassed and hurried, and can do everything with concentration and attention, thus insuring a successful outcome of his actions.

There is wisdom in uncertainty. There is freedom and creativity in uncertainty, detachment.

When we are attached to something, we are in some way trying to control things. Controlling such is this is typically because we’re afraid. Our fear and our ego leads us to believe that somehow if we control things, everything will be OK. Instead, letting go will open us up to other possibilities.

We all seek security in one way or another. Again, I cite Chopra’s example when we might desire money and expect security from it. “When I have X million dollares, then I’ll be secure.” But it never happens.

It is also true that we all can sometimes get attached to “Our Story” – our past, our challenges, our history. This story of our life can limit us greatly if we get emotional and/or attached to it. Instead, we can have a healthy detachment to our past. This allows us to more easily identify the lessons and the benefit that comes from the experience.

Are you stuck in life because you are living out of a story you told yourself long ago? Are you reliving the same story over and over, placing your attention on the story rather than where you want to go? We all do it.

Frey Freyday was actually born out of something I created called “Words To Live By” (WTLB). Going forward, I will now not only share the quotes, as you may be used to receiving, but also a related (WTLB). In 1999, when we had our first daughter, I was contemplating how I would raise my new beautiful child, and I was thinking about how I can best educate her and my other children about values, morals, and other key thoughts about life. School offers education. Religion offers some values and morals. Parents offer most of it, sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidentally.

So I created a (WTLB) book, like a dictionary, which lists things like honesty, love, persistence, etc. with a definition that I created, with my wife’s input. I then turned it into a workbook with one word per page and space below for notes. For years we would discuss with my two daughters and they would draw pictures and make notes in the blank space. I may share some of those images with you. As they got older, they were less inclined to draw and more open to quotes and references from adults, hence where Frey Freyday came from….

What is detachment? Detachment is the: * Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves. * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational. * Giving another person “the space” to be herself. * Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people. * Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing. * Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life. * Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence. * Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering. * Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling. * Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life. * Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point. * Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them. * Ability to allow people to be who they “really are” rather than who you “want them to be.” * Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching? If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you: * Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you. * Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do. * Can become an obsessive “fix it” who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect. * Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things. * Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you. * Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual. * Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project. * Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy. * Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result. * Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship. * Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen. * Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

In order to accomplish anything, we need a sense of certainty. Our references help us to build this important emotional state. However, if we have no experience in doing something, how can we be certain about it? Realize you’re not limited to your actual experience: your imagination has unlimited references to support you. – Tony Robbins

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There is no certainty; there is only adventure.-Roberto Assagioli

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Certainty is the mother of quiet and repose, and uncertainty the cause of variance and contentions.-Edward Coke

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You should have certainty in what you do. ‘Faith’ and ‘trust’ are words that put the power in the hands of an outside force that we are meant to rely on – whether it is God or a person or the universe. Certainty puts the power back in our hands.-Yehuda Berg

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If you develop the absolute sense of certainty that powerful beliefs provide, then you can get yourself to accomplish virtually anything, including those things that other people are certain are impossible.-William Lyon Phelps

Certainty. Do you recall the last time that you were certain about something….and you knew it was right, and you were right? Maybe it was at work, maybe it was with your family or a relationship – for different people it is different – it may have come from your head, or maybe your heart…..but you felt Certain.

When you meet someone that has ‘certainty’, you can tell right? Often the person that is most certain is most influential in the situation. Certainty is much like confidence. It comes across in someone’s way of acting, their attitude and words.

Think about a situation where you felt certain. Picture it in your mind. How did you feel? Feel now how you were when you were certain. Stand up. Go ahead and stand up…….feel certain. ….really certain. There is a calmness, coolness about it perhaps? You feel confident. You probably feel relaxed – although energized too. What is your posture and physiology like?

Stand as if you were certain! Are your shoulders sagging or are you standing tall? How is your breathing?

Now stand as if you are Absolutely Certain! How would you stand? Breathe? What is your posture, your physiology? What is your appearance? How are you talking? How are you holding your head?

Certainty is achieved from our posture, physiology, and attitude.- your state of mind, your state of your body. You own the situation, right? You own the moment.

Tony Robbins has a list of what he calls the SIX HUMAN NEEDS. Certainty/Comfort, Variety, Significance, Connection/Love, Growth, and Contribution.

Tony discusses Certainty this way – We all want comfort, right? And much of this comfort comes from certainty. Of course there is no ABSOLUTE certainty, but we want certainty the car will start, the water will flow from the tap when we turn it on and the currency we use will hold its value. We search for certainty in other parts of our life. At one time there appeared to be certainty in some industries and jobs.

Sometimes I find certainty in other ways…..I don’t know who told me once but they told me ‘Nothing in life is permanent, no problem is permanent, it is passing; your Soul is permanent. You are permanent. Nothing is so inescapable that you can’t move on….”

Knowing that ‘this too shall pass’ helps me ‘shake off’ something bad and I feel a little relieved, calmer, and more certain. Look at the big picture. Look at other – other people have recovered from this and worse. I also think about the good things in my life. I focus on what is working and I feel more certain. I look back in my life and recall how I overcame other challenges, I look at my successes, I look at my loved ones and support network. We are not alone. I personally believe in a Creator that is benevolent. I don’t pretend to understand or label but I believe in something.

We all have this power, this source, this strength inside of each of us. We’ve all felt it from time to time in our lives. It often feels like the ‘real person’, the person at the core of ourselves. When we access this part of us, we operate from a foundation of certainty, don’t we? But it does take a moment for each of us to access it – being calm, focused, even meditation….. but the point is that YOU can access the certainty inside. You can reach in and grab it – you don’t have to look outside.

Extraordinary people bring certainty into uncertain environments. Whether it be in sports, business, or even being a great parent, in times of uncertainty people are drawn to those who’ve somehow found a way to find an internal certainty that can guide them. That certainty is not that you have all the answers, but rather that there’s certainty inside you that, together with your loved ones, you can find the answer and move forward.

Lastly, having a Vision in mind is also key. If you have that END IN MIND – the dream, the vision of what you want, if you spend time visualizing it and really feeling it – feeling as if it is already happening NOW, then you will be able to access certainty. If you know where you’re going and you know that you’re not going to give up until you get there, then it’s OK when you encounter big and little challenges in life. You’re certain that you’ll reach the end and you’re certain things are working out. The path may be not as you expected but no path it.

Focus on asking the right questions to yourself and focus on what you say to yourself. Are your words and self-talk building up or breaking down certainty in you?

Like you, I’ve had successes and also been in tough jambs. There were times when I thought my life was over financially and I was embarrassed, stressed, whatever. But as I look back, in the big picture, that was just part of the journey. Those things passed. Other things will pass, I am certain of it! My real friends are still around. That ‘real Jim’ is still inside me. Struggles bring strength. Strength brings certainty.

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Frey Freyday was actually born out of something I created called “Words To Live By” (WTLB). Going forward, I will now not only share the quotes, as you may be used to receiving, but also a related (WTLB). In 1999, when we had our first daughter, I was contemplating how I would raise my new beautiful child, and I was thinking about how I can best educate her and my other children about values, morals, and other key thoughts about life. School offers education. Religion offers some values and morals. Parents offer most of it, sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidentally.

So I created a (WTLB) book, like a dictionary, which lists things like honesty, love, persistence, etc. with a definition that I created, with my wife’s input. I then turned it into a workbook with one word per page and space below for notes. For years we would discuss with my two daughters and they would draw pictures and make notes in the blank space. I may share some of those images with you. As they got older, they were less inclined to draw and more open to quotes and references from adults, hence where Frey Freyday came from….

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(Frey Freyday is simply a bunch of inspirational, motivational and other quotes meant to make you think, reflect, smile, even laugh a bit. Hopefully helpful, useful stuff….)

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Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.-Steve Jobs

– I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.-Nelson Mandela

– Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.-Winston Churchill

– He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.-Muhammad Ali

– You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.-Aristotle

– You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.-Eleanor Roosevelt

– Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction.-John F. Kennedy

– Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.-W. Clement Stone

– Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.-Miguel Angel Ruiz

– One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.-Maya Angelou

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WORD TO LIVE BY:

Courage – [kur-ij, kuhr-] – the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
I know people that say ‘I’m scared, therefore I have no courage.’ Everyone gets scared. It takes courage to move ahead and face the things we’re scared of….

I believe that, while knowledge and education are necessary, action takers rule the world. Action requires courage, of course. We’re all scared of failing, of rejection, of the unknown, of things outside our comfort level.

One thing that I believe some people do incorrectly is believe that they need “a bunch of courage” and to bet the farm. I think it is just as or more important to have courage to take small steps, incremental improvements each day. What can you do today to move ahead towards your goal or dream. Those little things need courage too.

Sometimes courage is required in a single moment. Like the movie We Bought a Zoo says, ‘all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage’. You can do it. Go for it. Live.

This post is dedicated to those people, those loved ones and those service men and women, that are now passed away but have inspired courage or have shown courage in their lives.

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Frey Freyday was actually born out of something I created called “Words To Live By” (WTLB).

Going forward, I will now not only share the quotes, as you may be used to receiving, but also

a related (WTLB). In 1999, when we had our first daughter, I was contemplating how I would

raise my new beautiful child, and I was thinking about how I can best educate her and my other

children about values, morals, and other key thoughts about life. School offers education.

Religion offers some values and morals. Parents offer most of it, sometimes intentionally,

sometimes accidentally.

……So I created a (WTLB) book, like a dictionary, which lists things like honesty, love, persistence, etc. with a definition that I created, with my wife’s input. I then turned it into a workbook with one word per page and space below for notes. For years we would discuss with my two daughters and they would draw pictures and make notes in the blank space. I may share some of those images with you. As they got older, they were less inclined to draw and more open to quotes and references from adults, hence where Frey Freyday came from….

– –

Bonus – From the Ted Radio Hour on npr.org – several links to great TED Talks about Courage

Brendon’s latest New York Times bestselling book, The Motivation Manifesto, was at first rejected by Simon & Schuster. He had a near-million-dollar deal with them, but when he turned his book in they said it was unpublishable. Brendon was stunned. Basically, they said they didn’t like it, and threatened to cancel the contract and demand their money back if he didn’t change the voice and add more stories.

What did Brendon do? What would you do?

Change your art to meet the desires of people who are uninformed about your expertise and passion?

Or fight for your voice and give the money back?

Brendon chose to fight for his vision. He agreed to give the money back and then released the book via a distribution deal with Hay House. The book immediately debuted as a bestseller on the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Amazon, and Barnes and Noble bestseller lists.

This is his story and 5 lessons learned fighting for his voice and dreams.

Brendon says, “Never let someone tell you that you or your dreams are impossible, improbable, or not ‘good enough’ for their liking, especially when they have no experience or knowledge of your true heart and powers.”

In this video he shares these 5 lessons:

Have vision for your life and art. And stick to it through your doubts and fears, through all the petty judgements and social oppressions.

Believe in your ability to figure things out. With enough time, effort, and discipline you will learn and grow and achieve.

Have fun chasing your dreams – no matter what. Bring joy to each experience and realize the journey is something to be cherished and grateful for.

Be patient but always persistent. Go easy on yourself but hard each day toward your dreams.

Respect and love others also playing this same game of life. Everyone is struggling to express themselves and achieve their dreams – so give them the same respect, patience, appreciation and love you desire for yourself.

Breandan and Emma, the couple up the hill from me in Sausalito have been married 54 years, they proudly told me last year. They walked, hand-in-hand past my home each morning, usually laughing, smiling and pointing out things to each other along the way.

Originally from Ireland, they listened, in bed, to BBC News at dawn so they usually had a tidbit of news to share with me if they happened to pass my home when I was finishing my lame attempt at morning exercises in the back yard.

When Emma died suddenly, Breandan stopped walking. He stayed inside their home and ignored my knock on their door. Several times. Later, when he started walking again, he told me his son, a motivational speaker on leadership, suggested that he start saying positive self-affirmations every morning “to lift his mood.”

He retorted, “My mood doesn’t need lifting! It’s right where it’s supposed to be.” So his well-intentioned son then mailed him a card pack with cheery faces on one side and, on the other, a series of upbeat daily affirmations. The card pack was entitled ”Yes, I Can!” to which Breandan hotly responded (to me, but not his son, I gather) “No I won’t!”

Write Yourself Through Your Journey to a Better Emotional Place

That gift inspired Breandan to get out of the old chair he sat in most days, with a morose look on his face, and take action, but not in the way his son intended. He wrote his own collection of “realistic affirmations.” I figured that the sentiments reflected his way of responding to grief, his stubborn resistance to being told to feel better and his core attitude about living life as it happens. Some were darkly funny. Yet his basic resilience started to shine through as he finished writing his sayings by the end of the year. “Not every cloud has a silver lining so start liking the clouds.”

I thought of Breandan when I read that Norman Vincent Peale may have been wrong, at least for some people, when he advocated saying positive self-affirmations to lift one’s mood. That’s a startling revelation for many of us Americans who have been bombarded with self-help messages based on the belief that positive affirmations are entirely beneficial.

“Repeating positive self-statements may benefit certain people, such as those with high self-esteem, but backfire for the very people who need them the most,” concludes social psychology professor Dr. Joanne Wood. Even those with high self-esteem felt only slightly better after repeating a positive self-statement.

The news gets worse for those with a low self-image Wood and her colleagues found:

• People with high self-esteem are more likely than those with low self-esteem to try to improve their moods when they are sad, as well as to savor their moods when they are happy.

• Those with low self-esteem sometimes even try to dampen their happiness, and engaging with others on Facebook seems to reinforce that reaction.

Don’t Fight Those Feelings. Instead, Notice Them, Then Choose What to Feel

Like obsessing more about the elephant in the room after being told to ignore it, being told to repeat “get happy” sayings, when sad, can make us feel even more sad. As Ed Yong concluded, “Statements that contradict a person’s self-image, no matter how rallying in intention, are likely to boomerang.“ “Don’t believe everything you think. “Thoughts are just that – thoughts,” wrote Pocket Peace author Allan Lokos.

Instead, of trying to change your feelings (as cognitive therapy attempts to do) change how you choose to view your thoughts. That approach calls on us to be mindfully observing what we are thinking and feeling from a calm pool, so to speak, without getting repeatedly sucked into the downward swirl of them. As Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”

Practicing this way we can notice what we are feeling in the moment without immediately reacting, thus becoming better at choosing how we want to act. This approach is called ACT:Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. To reinforce that practice, “think of yourself as a kind friend,” suggests Duke University psychology professor Mark Leary. That bolsters yourself-compassion and thus your happiness. “One is a great deal less anxious if one feels perfectly free to be anxious, and the same may be said of guilt,” Alan Watts wrote.

Breandan, by the way, has begun writing his memoir, describing some of the adventures he shared with Emma, the people they met and the joy of living with her “through thick and thin.” His writing enables him to take the ACT approach, to observing and accept his sadness at his wife’s passing and to choose to focus, instead, on the many of the happy times they enjoyed together. He showed me the quote he chose for the first page:

“In the end, just three things matter:

How well we have lived

How well we have loved

How well we have learned to let go” ~ Jack Kornfield

As Byron Katie would say, he is “loving what is.” See more ideas at my Quotable and Connected column at Forbes.

“The first thing you have to do in order to improve your mind is to take total control of your attention and notice: Where are my thoughts right now? Are they positive or negative? Are they helping me feel alive, engaged, and grateful in this moment? Am I present with my current experience or trapped in the past? Are my thoughts supporting me or are they automatically coming up negative and self-protective in ways that are not advancing my life? Just to be aware, to be conscious of what’s going on in your body, in your sense of feeling and emotion now, this is the stuff of becoming mature, connected, and happy.”

From: Brendon Burchard – Live. Love. Matter.
Thu ·
Most people are not apathetic fools—they are engaged and intelligent beyond measure. It’s just that they spend a shocking amount of time studying foolish things, and so they have gained great intelligence in the inconsequential. They know dozens of batting averages, celebrity baby names, and trivial anecdotes from the latest news alert. They know more about television characters than their coworkers; more about the freeway traffic ahead than their financial future; more about the new tech toy than what’s truly missing from their lives.

This of course, does not describe everyone. Yet we have the average American watching four hours of television per day. This amounts to around 13 years of his or her lifetime. Yes, that’s 13 years 24/7 in front of the boob tube. Those years slip by episode-to-episode, and often feel like rest and entertainment. But all research shows they amount to very little joy or meaning in one’s day or life.

The cost is immense: had those 13 years been used for vital and productive endeavor, they would amass to nearly $1,000,000 more in wages and over $2,000,000 in investment opportunity. Let’s not forget how those 13 years could have been used to deepen friendships, travel, create more art, learn languages, develop world-class expertise, contribute, enjoy love, or live life as a human rather than a gape-mouthed consumer of waste.

While television isn’t stealing everyone’s four hours, most of us now suffer from a sort of recurring “browser blackout” or “app amnesia,” losing hours of time each day on our computer or mobile devices without any recollection of what we saw or accomplished. Distraction reigns.

And so the outcome is we have tremendously engaged and intelligent people often tragically consuming and learning meaningless things. We are busy, but at what? We are smart, but at what? We are engaged, but with what?

Not everyone is so lost, but this might help explain the melancholy one feels in our society. For what could be worse than for smart, engaging people to finish their lifetimes without much to show for it but the ability to win a pop culture trivia contest?