Wednesday, February 08, 2006

in defense of Nicole

I read a lot of other gossip blogs, and it looks like everyone hates Nicole Richie, but I can't figure out why. Okay, so she's really skinny now... but I totes can't blame her, I mean... she was basically Abbott to Paris (perra?) Hilton's Costello. She was supposed to be the funny fat chick in that duo, and you know what? That role fuckin' sucks.

Really though? She was cute back then, you know, when she had cheeks. And titties. Boys like titties, Nic, just so you know (or so I've been told).

But yeah, she got skinny and now Paris HATES her. I can just hear the conversation between them... "Dammit Paris, quit doing hog calls when I eat! Fuckit, I'm just not gonna eat around you, bitch!" and Paris would be all "oh, that's hot" and cough up a wad of phlegm and jizz.

So yeah, she's skinny to the point of being worried, but you know what? HER DAD CAN DANCE ON CEILINGS!

I'm not worried about her. I just wish she'd get some implants, because without the titties I'm worried that someone will get bored and like bang out a tune on her xylophonic rib cage.

In Other News

Clay Aiken is still gay, dammit. F'real Clay, we want you to defect. I can't wait, someday he's going to fall in love with some rough-ass motherfucker who like works on a dock, or a wharf, or some other water-adjacent location and this guy is gonna turn La Gayken into his bitch and then...THEN Clay will come out and be all "I'm gay, in love, and getting boobies!" and we'll be like "Um, sorry, we already have Pete Burns. Try something else, mkay?"

I can't stop watching American Idol; I watched the first three seasons, but was just turned off by the fourth season contestants. My idea of a nightmare is to be the meat in a Constantine-Bo Bice sammich, and if there truly is a Christian god, he would probably make Carrie Underwood sing during said sammich and MY HEAD WOULD FUCKING EXPLODE. I mean, have you heard her latest song? That whole turn to jeebus "take the wheel" bullshit is so square stated, I just don't even have the heart to make fun of it BECAUSE IT'S BEEN DONE SO OFTEN BEFORE. It's like saying "I just threw up a little in my mouth". Tired. But I digress...

I hate most of the people that I've seen go through on this season of Idol, so I'm looking forward to tonight, and watching bitches cry! YEAH, CRY BITCHES, CRY!

Yeah, I know that's Tonya "bitch, I cut you" Harding and that she's not on AI, but damn, ain't she a perfect crying bitch postergirl?? BOO FUCKIN' HOO, lady! I see boogers!

Tonight is the start of what they're calling "hell week", meaning they begin to eliminate people that passed the national auditions, you know I'll be sitting on the couch with my knitting needles and some Haagen Daz. And before you bitches think I'm getting fat, I will remind you that I'm not just in shape, but I'm slim and vicious, cuz I sweat to the oldies.