by Sir John Hawkins

John Hawkins's book 101 Things All Young Adults Should Know is filled with lessons that newly minted adults need in order to get the most out of life. Gleaned from a lifetime of trial, error, and writing it down, Hawkins provides advice everyone can benefit from in short, digestible chapters.

“We’ll have to fight them to the death using items we can find in this room.” Bush saw a mop and bucket nearby. “I’ll use the mop as a bo, and you can use the bucket as a… well, just try not to die too quickly.”

A throwing star then struck the wall near Bush’s head. He shrieked and ran for the nearest exit. Catching his breath, he looked around to see he was on stage.

“It’s the next speaker!” called out one of the crowd.

“Uh, hey everybody,” Bush said as he walked to the microphone. He then uttered to himself, “Think like a Democrat. Think like a Democrat.” Bush cleared his throat. “Who here hates Bush more than they love America?”

Everyone cheered.

“Republicans are evil!” Bush continued, “They eat babies… who all should have been aborted!”

More cheers.

“Man, I’m on a roll,” Bush said to himself while smiling. “Well, when we’re in power, we’ll change many things. We’ll set taxes to make sure no one is ever rich again!”

The crowd erupted with more clapping and yelling.

“And we’ll make sure poor kids stay in their poor schools where they belong! And all marriages will be gay marriages!”

The crowd was frenzied in cheering now.

“And we’ll never exert force against our enemies again… and make the national language French!” Bush shouted, making his mustache fall off.

The cheering stopped.

“That’s not a porn star! That’s President George W. Bush!” one yelled.

“Let’s kill him!”

Everyone started to climb on to the stage, but Scott then ran out. “Everyone, calm down! We can’t let partisanship rot our minds! We all need to have some understanding and sanity!”

“That guy with the goatee is promoting understanding and sanity!” one of the crowd shouted, “Let’s kill him too!”

As the crowd closed in on Bush and Scott, ninjas crept towards them from behind, ninja swords ready in hand. A new speaker then walked on stage, wearing a suit and glasses.

“Let’s see what the real speaker has to say about this,” one said, and the crowd stopped for a moment.

The speaker trotted to the podium, jumped up, and bit off the microphone. He then chewed it up and spat it out.

“Hey,” one person said, “That speaker looks an angry rottweiler.”

“Not just angry rottweiler,” said one of the ninjas, his sword shaking in his hand, “Very angry rottweiler.”