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Self contemplation: Dark Sky

On August, 29 2013, I wrote a blog about being a woman and a dreamer. At the time, I was about to board to Belgium to start my study. I was 25 back then… I felt so bold for I was so ready to leave everything behind: my family, my friends, my love to run after what I believe to be my dream.

And today, two years after, I ‘m trying to contemplate everything that has happened in the past two years.

Since I left Indonesia two years ago, I told myself that I know, I won’t be back home anytime soon. I know that the journey that I chose is the journey of solitude. Being far from the people you love and love you back. I would be a total stranger in a country where the language I do not speak.

Now, as I reflected back to all that has happened, so suddenly I feel half broken. This year has been a roller coaster ride for me. Stress up with the urge to finish my study on time because my scholarship only covers me for two years. Then I struggled to find either a job or a PhD position here in Europe because I don’t want to go back to Indonesia only to work in order to pay the bills. I love what I am doing now, and I don’t want to go back to the place where I only work everyday just because I need to.

Then the hurricane strikes, my father passed away and I couldn’t do anything about it. Healing from the scar of loosing someone who means a lot to you is as huge as my grieve for not being able to be with my mom and my sister at that time. That still becomes a huge sorrow for me. We always said that no matter what happen, we will always face it together. But not this time… I couldn’t be with them to share our grieves and to go through it together.

Some good news came… I got a PhD offer from a university hospital in Germany for the topic of research that I really like and also got a job offer from the biggest pharmaceutical company in Belgium. I decided to get the job after giving a thorough thought.

You can’t imagine! Working here is like a dream comes true to me. I sit with so many great people (that sometime also distress me because I start to feel that I am too dumb for this job) who is very helpful and I feel that I’m just doing another research here. Finding drugs, running the analysis… I finally can go home from work and feel like I have done something meaningful today.

At the same time, getting this job makes me have to move to a new city. From the small city, now I move to a big city, but so suddenly I feel alone. I know no one, I know nothing about the city.

I started to make new friends, finding new activities. I always love doing sport.. And I do some new sports now. I tried wall climbing, I do aqua fit, regularly go swimming (ok, this is not new). But the fact that I make new friends with expats as well doesn’t give me the bond that I long for. You know that it won’t last forever, you know that someday they will eventually leave this place (or maybe you).

At the same time, people you know from back home also evolve. They grow up, they make families, you couldn’t share the same things anymore. Time difference and distances suck, don’t they?

I met new people, and start to wish to settle down. I never imagined myself to think about settling down at the age of 27. No, I should’ve been doing something awesome and explore more by this time. But no… I start to think about settling down with someone. The idea of having someone here that I can talk to, that I can share my fears, my daily frustration, my pain, my happiness, someone that I can care about, beats the feeling of being independent that I’m always proud of.

And it scares me…

I hate to see myself start to relying on someone for my happiness.

I think I need one of those time again. Time for myself. Just between me and myself…

I booked a flight to Rome for January next year for 6 days. Why Italy? Because it’s one of the countries that I perceive to be romantic with their amazing foods and wines. I look for the day where I’d be in a place that I don’t speak the language, just blend with the locals, wandering around the city to find small things to be grateful at everyday, and mostly to enjoy the company of myself.