Disclaimer: KH isn't mine, but y'know... Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. Or like giving disclaimer rights to a fangirl. It just isn't smart.

This fanfic is based on something I found in a blog or forum or something... I thought it was funny and decided to Kingdom Hearts-itize the situation. Sometimes it quotes the actual conversation that took place directly.

I don't know if it's funny or not. It sounded good when it was swirling around in my head at 1 a.m.

Oh, My Aching Crotch

The organization didn't have a doctor, mainly because nobodies didn't really get sick and weren't technically alive in the first place. But whenever medical attention was required, Vexen usually did the honors. He was the oldest (as he savored in reminding everyone), and therefore, had the most experience in treating illnesses. He didn't really know anything, hardly able to even apply a band-aid, but the job gave him something to brag about, at least.

One quiet night in The World That Never Was, he came to utterly regret his position as Organization 13's doctor, though. He'd received a text message from Axel, one that he wasn't exactly sure what to say about.

i think i pulled a muscle in my crotch. ok, its really high up on my leg...but that doesn't sound as exciting, now does it?

And another text message that came soon after displayed:

so...uh how do i make my crotch stop hurting?

Vexen stared, checking over the message twice to make sure he'd read it correctly. Unfortunately, he had.

Axel had done what?!

Vexen tried to send a message back, but he couldn't figure out how to work the confounded device in his hands. The Superior had seen someone using one in the world of Twilight Town, and now he was forcing all of the organization members to utilize them as well.

It was quite a nuisance, with the poor signals and weird buttons and whatnot. After all, if they needed to talk to somebody, they could simply summon a dark portal in order to reach them. But Xemnas's orders were the law, and Vexen didn't dare defy them, even if they were rather questionable.

But goddamn it! He couldn't get the blasted phone to work. He may have been a highly intelligent, experienced scientist, but this new-age tech was completely foreign to him.

It was Zexion to the rescue. The young nobody was quite adept when it came to modern technology, and he'd been the first of the organization to grasp how to make a cell phone function.

"I see you're having trouble." He portalled in behind Vexen and leaned over his shoulder. He read the message with a raised eyebrow, but said nothing. He was used to Axel's strange stunts. He smoothly pressed a few buttons, and a blank text box appeared.

Vexen sighed. "Thank you, Zexion."

Now...what should he say about Axel's little...issue? He punched in:

How did you manage to pull your inductor muscle in the first place? I hope your groin heals in a quick and thorough manner.

After taking an eternity to create and send that message (he was really bad at using the phone to type), he flipped the cell phone shut, hoping that was the end of the matter. Zexion walked away casually to read a book.

Now that the unorthodox dispute was under control, Vexen could return to the recent clone experiment he'd been conducting. He immersed himself in his work almost immediately, finding himself drifting deep in thought. He would simply take the sample and measure it in the micropipette, then transfer it to a new agar type... Hm, but which one would stimulate the clone cell's growth most efficiently? This would take some heavy concentratio--

The cell phone beeped loudly, startling Vexen so much that he nearly knocked over a contaminated beaker. He grumbled a few choice words about Axel under his breath, and then he found the message and read it, wondering what was so damn important that his work had to be interrupted again. Didn't the rest of the organization realize he was on the verge of a major scientific discovery here?!

i dont kno. i guess i tend to sit weird wayz in my free time [sitting on one leg, that sort of thing].... so i mightve pulled something changing positions....

Zexion quietly appeared again, glancing over Vexen's shoulder to read the newest message.

He chose to reply with a brief suggestion, partially because he didn't want to hear about Number Eight's hurt crotch anymore and partially because he had no idea how to go about healing such an injury. He proceeded to shut off his cell phone so that no more messages would get through. Thank Kingdom Hearts, he could finally have the peace and quiet he wanted.

"That was...odd," Zexion remarked, holding a book to his face as usual.

"Yeah," Vexen grunted, returning back to his work.

There was a moment of silence. Vexen was having trouble focusing on what he was doing. Zexion was still standing behind him, his expression unreadable, and the old scientist couldn't quite remember what he was going to do with the tool he currently held. Becoming engrossed with the project at hand was proving more difficult than usual...

"To hurt himself there...I wonder what he did to merit such an ache," Zexion said suddenly, apparently still interested in the unusual situation facing Axel.

Vexen put the pipette down, quite unable to keep his mind on the experiment. "Perhaps he should rethink all the positions he assumes in his spare time," he said stiffly. Why were they still discussing this?

"Yes," Zexion mused. "Although now I'm afraid to ask him what he does in his free time..."

Okay, that was it. Vexen was quitting his job as the organization's doctor. As the oldest member, he could handle a lot of troubling predicaments. But Axel's aching crotch was not one of them.

A/N: X3 I don't know why I decided to make Vexen the "doctor." And I don't know why I included Zexion. It just sort of...happened that way.