Apologies if it seems that we're dwelling on the failures of Marlins Park—but there are oh so many of them, each more embarrassing than the last. This one's about that huge "economic impact" the new stadium was supposed to bring to the area. More than a year after the stadium debuted, not one single business has…

You've got a second-year stadium and the worst attendance in the league. You've got the worst team in baseball. If you're the Marlins, how do you possibly make money? The answer, it seems, is to give away free tickets and hope people buy lots of beers.

Planning to go to the Marlins' home opener on April 8, as Miami kicks off yet another rebuilding year? The odds are: you're probably not. But the Marlins are doing whatever they can to get you in the ballpark: Half-off tickets through Groupon! Two-for-one deals! A free all-you-can-eat buffet! How about a competitive…

Jeffrey Loria took out a full page ad in several South Florida newspapers today in an attempt to win the hearts and minds of the six people who haven't quite made up their minds on his wretched franchise. He talks about a lot of things: the unsustainable roster full of major league talent, the World Series Miami won a…

We've aired our grievances with the very concept of public financing for sports stadiums, especially the sweetheart deal Jeffrey Loria got for Marlins Park, where the team had to cover less than 20 percent of the cost. But even if you're not philosophically opposed to tax money going to multi-millionaire owners, it's…

All right, so, there's nothing worse and more useless than attendance stories in April. Still: here's one anyway. The Marlins, despite that fancy new ballpark, haven't even been close to filling the place.

After trotting out Muhammad Ali like a show pony, the Marlins owner welcomed friends and colleagues to his luxury suite on opening night with this cake: a custom made replica of Marlins Park. That bigass logo? It's 3,600 crystals. Probably worth more than your life. I swear to god, this thing better not have a working…

Lost in all the other wonderful features, like the fish and the home run sculpture and the fact that Marlins Park is actually really nice is something called the Bobblehead Museum. No need to come to Little Havana to see it—it'll come to you in your nightmares.

When I was young, the Mets tricked me into rooting for them solely by that giant fiberglass apple. I couldn't wait for Howard Johnson or Kevin McReynolds to hit a home run, just so I could see the apple rise out of the similarly comically oversized top hat. So maybe, at 28, I'm no longer in the demographic for the…

I love me some animal welfare, but can't get too worked up by the Marlins having a tank filled with live fish embedded in the backstop of the new Marlins Park. For one, fish are dumb. For another, the other option, the ocean, is not exactly a paradise. There are predators and seaquakes and boats and the constant…

And so the assorted tangs and bettas have been moved to their home, their prison, their eternal resting place behind home plate at the new Marlins Park. There they shall live and swim in circles without ever knowing the open seas or passionate baseball fans, until such time as natural causes or a forgotten filter…