Imagine two children fighting over a toy. The children are in a relationship with each other, and that relationship is not going so well. Our role is not to step in and judge (which inevitably involves ‘taking sides’), but to mediate, model and mentor. (Of course, it is also to keep people physically and psychologically safe!)

Imagine if our fundamental parenting principle was that children do not misbehave. Imagine we were guided by the understanding that children behave simply to meet their needs. We would stop blaming. We would not take their behaviour personally. We would know they were innocent and competent. We would recognise that our disagreements with our children were a result of our needs conflicting with theirs.

When I hear people say “you can’t reason with a very young child”, or “the only way to make a young child change their behaviour is to reward or punish”, I feel deeply saddened. My experience as a parent, and parent educator, is otherwise.

Children and discipline - a perennial issue. Discipline (the verb) can mean either ‘to teach’, or ‘to control’ (Gordon, T. 1989). If we use discipline to control children, then we rely on reward and punishment to change a child’s behaviour.

One of the best aspects of being a Mum is reading to my kids. As a family project, we decided to read some ‘classics’ together (well, I read to my children).The more books we read, the more I reflected on the differences between generations, in the way children entertain themselves.

Reasoning with a child aged three and under? Is that really possible? Surely, they’re not developmentally capable of responding to reason? Aren’t punishments such as smacking or time-out, and rewards such as star charts, the only way we can only get young children to learn, and to change their behaviour?

My lived experience (and that of hundreds of parents I’ve met through parenting classes) is that yes, you can reason with children - from a very young age. And yes, it is possible for them to change their behaviour, without parents resorting to rewards or punishment.

Active Listening is the best way I have to show empathy, and is the first skill I turn to when my child is unhappy. Firstly, I have to recognise the cues and clues that my child is not OK. Often ‘naughty’ behaviour is simply a signal that things aren’t going well for my child.

I then need to remember that there is a reason for them to be unhappy. For example, they may need my attention, or something happened at childcare, or their basic needs (food, water, rest and toileting) have not been met.

Now, I need to listen to my child, so they can talk about their unhappiness. This will help me to understand what is happening for them, and help them to understand themselves. I try to guess their feelings, and the reason they feel that way. I put these into a statement such as “You’re feeling . . . because . . . ”. For example “Sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because your toy truck’s wheels fell off”.

Giving your very young children a reason for your upset can help them understand and empathise with you. They may even come up with a solution to help you (which may mean changing their behaviour).

I-Messages

When I am unhappy about my children’s behaviour, I need to avoid blaming or putting down my child with a ‘you’ message. Examples of ‘you’ messages might be: “you’re just being naughty”; “you’ve been told 1000 times” “you’re old enough to know better”.

Instead of ‘you’ messages, I need to use an ‘I-Message’ when I’m upset with my child. A three part I-Message looks something like this: “when . . .(describe child’s behaviour) I feel . . .(a feeling word) because . . . (describe how you have been affected) “. For example “When I see the toys on the floor, I feel concerned that I might step on them and hurt myself”.

More and more parents are educating themselves on the best way to bring up their children. We search the Internet, we read books, and we attend parenting classes. We all want to do the best by our children, to raise children that are loved and loving, confident, compassionate, considerate, and with a good sense of self-worth. In this quest for information, many parents look for evidence of effectiveness.

Discipline - the perennial parenting problem. Discipline (the verb) can mean either ‘to teach’, or ‘to control’ (Gordon, T. 1989). In our quest to parent effectively, to do the best by our children, ourselves and our family, we think carefully about the best way to discipline our child.

If we use discipline to control, then we rely on reward and punishment to change our children’s behaviour.

This article questions the use of one of the most commonly used punishments - time-out. The majority of the parenting books we read, parenting websites, parenting courses, or parents we know, suggest time-out as a benign punishment. Most schools and childcare centres rely on time-out to discipline children.

During the years my daughter attended childcare we had several discussions around her fear of punitive time-out. Her distress, and my experience as a parent educator, drove me to investigate the effects of time-out.

Here is a challenging idea: the way we think about children, and the assumptions we make about their intentions, will shape our response to them. Ultimately, our presumptions influence our relationships.

One of the best aspects of being a parent is reading to my kids. As a family project, we decided to read some ‘classics’ together. Which meant me reading out loud to my children. The books we chose were from bygone days, timeless in their description of the human condition. To my surprise, I discovered the tales were also beautifully illustrative of a life that, to today’s child, is almost as alien living on Mars! This set me to reflecting on the differences in the way our children play today, compared to the way children occupied themselves in the not-so-distant past.

As a parent educator, two common questions that participants ask during a course are: “Should I tell my children I am doing a parenting course?” and “Should I tell my children about the things I am learning in this course?”

Every parent who reads a parenting book, or attends a parenting class, will have their own thoughts and feelings on whether to share what they’ve learnt with their children. Their decision will be based on their experience, their family, their children, and their level of comfort with the new skills they are learning. But what do the kids think? Read on at http://www.gordontraining.com/parenting/tell-tell-discussing-parenting-s...

Disclaimer: The articles, blogs, testimonials and P.E.T. stories on the Parent Skills website are posted only as opinion or ideas, and are general in nature. Posted articles do not constitute advice or recommendations. The administrator suggests obtaining professional advice on any concerns (including medical or psychological) the reader may hold regarding their children, themselves, or others. The administrator takes no responsibility for any action or outcome a reader may make as a result of reading a post. The reader alone is responsible for any action they take as a result of reading this website.

About Us

Larissa is passionate about the skills taught in Effectiveness Training. She is an accredited and highly experienced P.E.T. facilitator, with over 1000 parents completing the course with her. She continually updates her course with new examples and relevant material from the latest research. Larissa's writing has been published in Huffington Post Australia, Early Childhood Australia's blog 'The Spoke'; Her Canberra, Gordon Training International blog, and Generation Next blog.