Here is the first national news story in the life of our future President: 10-year-old Michael Dasher of Rockledge, Florida, said he was fishing with his friends from the side of a canal when he accidentally snagged a six-foot alligator. Now, this is where my national news story would end. There would be a big headline reading “LOCAL OAF CHILD DEVOURED BY WATER BEAST.” Because Dasher is not me, he reacted to a charging SIX FOOT LONG GODDAMN ALLIGATOR by hitting it with sticks and jumping on its back. He then captured the animal like this was some real life episode of Pokémon and dragged it home, suffering only minor scratches. I don’t care how Bieber-esque this kid is, he rules. And I hope he uses the alligator to combat small birds.

Unfortunately, nobody else thinks so.

[Grandfather Benjie] Cox said after he gave Michael a stern talk about what he had done, the [Brevard County Police] officers gave him one, too. He said they told him that if he was older, he would have been arrested and charged with a felony.

Cox said the alligator seemed like it was in bad shape, but wildlife officers said they were planning to release it back into the St. John’s River.

Michael said he learned his lesson and will run if he ever sees another alligator.

Isn’t that just like a parent, missing the forest for the trees? He could’ve at least given him a “whoa, that was awesome, but you could’ve died” instead of badgering him about jail. I bet Gran’pa Benjie would’ve gotten chomped trying to hobble out of that canal. Michael, here’s some actual advice: the next time you see an alligator, put it on a leash and teach it to attack your grandfather and local police.

This kid is awesome. I like the part where he says he’ll run next time. Yeah run as fast a he can from the endless drab self serving “must be safe speeches.” Not to mention the uniformed representatives of pansey nation.