Just another happy rag by one of them broads.

Just another magic Sunday.

I deleted the post that was here as being too emotional and overwrought. Unfortunately it also meant deleting some supportive comments, so I apologize for that, but I do still have them in my Outlook in box and can look at them again.

I am still not back to normal, whatever that state of mind is for a person like me, but I have to sit here and put some coherent words down. I am going to try anyway.

Some days your overwrought feelings hijack you and take you on a long run somewhere outside the city limits where the wild things live and I think I was there today. I am slowly finding my way back downtown, but it will be awhile before I get there, a bit disheveled and beaten up.

I go on long journeys in my mind where other men fear to go and it is scary out there, it is a genuine jungle with scary sights and sound effects and everything. My reasoning takes a bow and bows out. Only my hyper alert emotions stay behind to help me scare the shit out of myself.

Eduard tries to follow me there, but I think he gets as lost as I am until in the end we both fall silent and finally walk out of the woods again. All worn out and drained.

Sometimes I think death is the answer, but that is only briefly when I most despair, until some of my fighting spirit returns. Somewhere I find a nickel’s worth of hope and give it a shine with some spit and polish.

I think it is best that I go to bed now and call it a day. Try this again in a few hours, maybe. See you then.

One hour after midnight. Goodness, I felt like I was writing some cheap dime store detective novel last night, but all of it was most heartfelt. See how cheap your emotions can seem when you shine a Hollywood type light on them? I swear, I don’t know know what made me do it, except for a certain amount of embarrassment at having written the original, now deleted, post.

Things seem different after a few hours sleep and I see I made a mountain out of a molehill by being hyper vigilant and I am just not good at this cloak and dagger stuff. Eduard and I agree that the way the contract is written now, does not allow for a lot of spontaneity and an awful lot of genuine sharing. It wraps every outing in mystery and darkness and suspense, no matter how innocent it is. All is silence and non sharing of fun events that need to be shared with your best pal, like we share everything we do and this is standing in our way, the manner in which it is wrapped in secrecy that is not necessary. So out goes the old contract and we will write up a new one.

Gandhi in Window

I have written the above in complete silence, because I needed to concentrate, but now I have turned on my Deezer soundtrack to lighten things up a bit and I am going to have a double strong Senseo.

I you want to see a fun advertisement by the Dutch Hema stores go here, you will enjoy yourselves. I was alerted to this by my friend Laura in California of all places. Thanks, Laura!

If anybody else knows of any funny adverts, go ahead and send me the link and I will post it here.

I hope lots of people have felt free enough to take the opportunity to take the free award at the bottom of the post before this one. Which reminds me to still stick mine in my sidebar.

Nouri on Table

I can’t believe how down and out I let myself become yesterday and so out of sorts and as it turned out, mostly for nothing really, or for things that I could have rectified much more easily than how I went about it. I seem to give birth to changes with so much difficulty. I make assumptions and then work from those instead of getting the story straight from the horse’s mouth first. I always assume I won’t get a straight answer, that’s why. I always assume I don’t have the right to come out and just ask the question, as if I am breaking some rule then that has been settled upon by all the other adults.

I have to change that behavior in me and always get my facts straight first just by asking and assuming I will get a straight answer.

Still life with Brion

This is going to be a post with a lot of art, because I don’t know what to write about that much. Some of these images were in the deleted post, so I feel that I have to use them again. I think I’ll go have a lie down now on the sofa and see if I have to add anything later. Little ciao…

A lot later, 7 AM as a matter of fact. Well, what a super sleep I had on the sofa! I feel a lot better now, if not a bit like someone with a hangover who wonders what the hell she did at the party yesterday. Oh no, please don’t tell! I know it was a rapid cycle of some sort, sucker hurts.

It looks like it is going to be another bright day out there. The sun is shining and what I can see of the sky is blue. Maybe today will turn out to be that perfect day that yesterday was supposed to have been.

I am calling it quits on this silly post and am hitting the publish button. Tomorrow is another day. “…I love you, tomorrow…you’re only a day away.”

Well ciao people, to the confused and the unconfused and to the happy minded who don’t give a hoot. Have a great Sunday.

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10 Responses

That nickelsworth of hope shines brightly, like a candle in the darkness. Keep looking at it Irene.Hope you will feel better soon.It will pass, you know it will.Sending out all my strongest vibes to you………X

Irene,I have not been able to get to a computer for the past week, so I missed your deleted post. However, I hope you never feel silly about writing about how you are feeling, even if your feelings change. Feelings are good to get out.I am sorry to hear you are having a dark period. The contract and the not knowing part would be very difficult for me too. I am glad you are going to discuss this again.I hope you are feeling more love and light soon. I wish I could send you some, but I want you to know how much love and light and beauty you shine on our worlds. Don’t forget that.XOXOXO

Back on the track again, dear friend. Glad you came through yesterday safely and in one piece and glad both of you realised that idea was too hard – while you have difficulty controlling your thoughts, you need a little more safe ground under your feet. You will find a compromise.I feel confident you can find a way to allow Eduard his window without you getting into a terrible state. You want to and that is the main first step. It is a big step many of us would not find easy ourselves. At the moment it is all new and will take work, but I am sure you will get there and it will be so good for you to have that ability to lengthen the leash. Keep well and hugs from here have a GREAT Sundayxxx

I’m kind of glad I missed this late night post, you’re having me slightly worried here. But I think you’re on the right track. The first step is to acknowledge things need sorting out and then move on to do it. It may take a long time to do so but that process can’t be rushed. I’m wishing you a calm, relaxed Sunday with lots of sunshine!