Professor Steve Jones of University College London cites a number of reasons, but says the leading cause of our stagnation as a species is that fewer older men are fathering children. Turns out a man in his 50s is more likely than a man in his 30s to pass on genetic “mutations,” the fuel of evolution. (By total coincidence, professor Jones is 64 years old—an older man—making his theory either the summation of a life’s work in science or the worst pick-up line ever. Hey baby, how’d ya like to help encourage a few cellular deviations?)

Then the monkeys win, people.

The monkeys win.

Don’t get me wrong: we’ve had a good run as a species. Discovered fire. Mastered language. Invented the Swiffer. And evolution has been good to us: in politicians, for instance, evolution has over many centuries replaced the heart with a swollen gland capable of producing an extraordinary quantity of gall.

But already monkeys are gaining on us, continuing to evolve and improve themselves. Researchers recently found that some Nigerian monkeys may even be starting to speak in “sentences” by combining specific noises into a sequence. This development heralds a coming epoch of monkey domination and, in the meantime, technically makes all organ grinders bilingual.

According to scientists who monitor the Nigerian monkeys, when the adult male delivers a “sentence” of sounds consisting of three pyows and four hacks, it is understood by the female monkeys to mean “let’s get going” or “time to move on.” Whereas four pyows and three hacks clearly means, “I’m going bowling with Steve.” (I’m paraphrasing.) Hurling one’s feces at another monkey, meanwhile, is still generally understood by scholars to translate as, “I’m preparing for my Rob Schneider audition.”