Mini-Narrative, Take Two

January 9, 2008

After my meeting with Professor Ganley, I decided to rewrite my mini-narrative about The World Beyond me. We talked about structure, form/function and the layout of the piece itself. After drawing a map of my narrative on paper, I was able to restructure the piece.

The World Beyond Me

The cleanest air you could ever breathe. The sweetest smell of flowers and regional plants you could ever smell. Mountains reach to the sun. The sun reflecting an orange-red off the mountains that even Crayola couldn’t create. Other than the distant flow of the Ganges River, it is utterly silent. But wait, a bird, perhaps hundreds of yards away makes its call. Gentle breeze marks the division between the heat of the North Indian summer and coolness of the Himalyas.

But mummy, I think we should do this trip another time. I would’ve just graduated a week before. People will be having graduation parties and it’s a time to spend time with friends who I may not see for a while.

I stand at a view perhaps a few hundred feet from my parents as they click away at a view point over 10,000 feet above sea levels on a Himalayan gentle giant. I stand. Breathing the air. Smelling the smell. Seeing the mountains, the sun. Hearing the overpowering silence with a distant river and bird. Feeling the heavenly breeze.

The Himalayan Mountain Range is the biggest in the world. I am literally standing on top of the world. Atop my perched abode, I should feel powerful and mighty, as no one can reach me up here. But I have never felt as insignificant. I have never felt better. Nature’s beauty and power have intoxicated me. At this moment, I realize that there is a force beyond your or my control. The force of the mountains, river, and sky. The force of their beauty and creation. I feel blessed to live in this force’s world.

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2 Responses to “Mini-Narrative, Take Two”

Hi Abshek,
I like a lot of what you’ve done here, although I must admit that I can’t really remember what the first version looked like…
I think the first paragraph works well, especially because you have written it so that one sense seems to flow naturally and almost obviously into the next; I really like that the observations feel connected and unified in this way.
One thing that I am still a little confused about is the matter of the progression of the piece as a whole. The presence of different tenses (sometimes it feels like you’re looking forward, or looking back at a time when you were looking forward, while at other times you are in the moment) makes it hard for me to understand the narrator’s view at the end. The last sentence clearly speaks to this, but I find myself wondering what you might have said, after that experience, about your early hesitance and desire to stay home after graduation…?

Wow. I am really impressed with your ability to transform this work from its original form to this one. The opening sensory descriptions that you included in the second version truly bring me into the story with you. It makes me feel like I have a connection with this story and with the bigger meaning. My favorite line is “that even Crayola couldn’t create” . It ties together the ideas of humans and society co-existing with the nature.