"Sleeping with Sleep" (Male Monologue)

I really appreciate what you’re doing here. I know you thought we were going to hang out but … Is that a feather top bed you got up there? Really! I hope we can make this a regular thing.

See … I used to dream of marrying Mary Anne. Now, that I got her I just dream of sleep. Oh to be unattached and just sleep, sleep, sleep … sleep until the sun pours into the window and slowly brings in the day. The last time I rose AFTER the sun did, I was single. I love my wife, I do. But I also love sleep.

Calling Mary Anne an early riser is an understatement. Before dawn breaks, she awakes. Its a genetic family trait. Like if they analyzed her DNA, it’d show she’s part rooster. We have no alarm, just her. Within seconds of consciousness Mary Anne blares “Coffee, coffee, time to make the coffee." I pat her on the head, AKA snooze button and plead “Five more minutes honey, Please just five more minutes.”

You know those super disciplined people who never cheat on their diets with like a snack or ice cream? That's Mary Anne but for sleep. She's basically on a perpetual sleep diet. She sees napping as cheating.

Sometimes I pretend I have work to do in the garage and I just lay under the car with my tools and let sweet sleep take me. Then she comes in, finds me asleep and starts to cry. Like sleep is another woman. Like she’s caught me sleeping with sleep.

She pits herself against sleep, she says “You’d rather be with sleep than me?” I make the mistake of answering: “yes!” Boom, we’re in couples counseling. She tells the therapist "he's sleeping on me, just constantly. In the middle of the day, he'll sneak into the garage for a quickie." A quickie, that's her word for a nap.

And this therapist, she sides with Mary Anne. She tells me that some men sleep to avoid working on the problems in the marriage. And I’m like, first of all, let’s not call it sleeping. If its under an hour and it's under a car its not sleeping. Second, the only problem in the marriage is I'm exhausted. And she's like "Well, why do you think that is?" And I'm like "Because I need to go to bed!" And she tells me to look deeper than that, to look within myself. So I close my eyes to try and look within myself and I start nodding off. And my wife says "See what I'm dealing with." And the therapist is like nodding, "Uh huh, uh huh."

So anyway … that’s the deal. So thanks for letting me come over to “watch the game” man. So the bedroom’s just up the stairs to the left? Awesome. Let me know who wins.