When has a Conference Call Ever Solved Anything?

My friend was late for lunch. She said her smoking cessation conference call ran long.

Me: Smoking cessation conference call?

Her: Yes, rather than making everyone meet like Alcoholics Anonymous, they just have frequent conference calls.

Me: Is it working?

Her: No, not really, but work is paying for it [through a wellness benefit], so I thought I’d try it.

So this is what it’s come to now– the company so believes in the efficiency of conference calls, that they are proscribing it for the health care plan as well. Though I suppose they would argue that it’s working as well for quitting smoking as it does for project management, and I suppose I’d agree.

But really, I think this place has stumbled onto a new business model– sell things to corporate HR that take place on conference calls. Or in meetings. It doesn’t really matter if it works, which it probably doesn’t; it only matters if it sounds like a corporate solution to the problem. Of course to really sell it, you’ll need a complete set of buzzwords to get it through. The kind of thing that when my boss hears it, he instantly senses a kindred spirit. There’s just no way he doesn’t approve someone taking time away from the office for this:

At Robust Achievers, LLC, we believe the only way to truly reduce and remove bad habits is a synergistic approach towards a paradigm shift that puts individuals on the road to being more success-oriented.

Our holistic programs for Smoking Cessation include daily check-ins via conference call with participants incorporating motivational platitudes and best practices. We then circle back for individual micromanaging sessions, wherein we encourage individuals to give 110% and be more proactive.

At the end of the day participants will take their lives to the next level without this nasty, dirty habit. And the company won’t have to lose productive time to smoke breaks any more. Net-net it’s a win-win.

If you’d like more information about our approach, we’d be happy to come in and go through our PowerPoint deck and answer any questions you may still have.

Of course if they have a conference call for breaking Buzzword Addiction, I’d like to sign the boss up, though you’d probably need to convince him it’s a way to improve his buzzwords.

MeetingBoy, the anonymous man who unleashes bitter -- and funny -- rants about his intolerable boss and office life in general at MeetingBoy.com. You can also follow him on Facebook and Twitter, where he's amassed more than 130,000 followers.