ARA: Should we have to pay $500 each to attend his wedding?

My step son is on his 2nd marriage, his mom passed away more than a decade ago. Step son has told me several times never ever overstep my boundaries and act like his mother as I’m not. He’s planning a very expensive wedding reception and has asked, informed & is expecting everyone including myself & his dad to “donate” $ 500 each to cover cost of reception as per him “they can’t afford it”. We are on fixed incomes his dad retired recently, I’m on permanent disability. Honestly we can’t afford this , is this proper for his son to be asking or expecting people to pay for his fancy reception?

42 Responses

If they can’t afford the wedding they shouldn’t be throwing one. No one, and I mean no one, should be expected to pay to attend anyone’s wedding. Your step son sounds like a real piece of work. Send a small gift and your regrets that you won’t be attending. When no one else shows up he’ll realize how much of an ass he’s being.

Do attend the ceremony, but opt out of the reception. (attend the ceremony is about “being there” for him as his family, skipping it will only complicate your relationship with your stepson and future wife. Of course, his Dad should tell him waaayyyy before the Hall is booked or invites are printed, that his “plan” is ill-thought, and beyond Dad and StepMom’s means. (Can Dad and you meet up with the Bride’s parents to hash this out?)

BTW, dear reader, write back when Stepson announces what he expects you and Dad to do for the rehearsal dinner!! :-)

Can you say Spoiled brat, boys & girls???? Things Mr. Rogers never could have imagined asking….
Don’t give this spoiled brat a DIME. Youre under NO obligation to. I’m with those who say if they can’t afford it they shouldn’t have something this fancy-schmancy. NEVER good form to expect others to pay for your wedding. Dad & stepmom should stand their ground. Just say now, parents! Let them have a wedding they can afford.

I think….the opulence of the event needs to fit the economic level of the couple. If they really need a $500 donation per person from the step/parents, which isn’t a whole lot of money in the grand scheme of things, then in my opinion they need to tone it down a bit. It is possible to do a GREAT ceremony and reception for less money. No need to have it in a hotel for example, to make it memorable. There are soooo many ways to cut costs with nuptials, if one researched and did enough work towards the event.

How much was spend on the first marriage? A second marriage would warrant less costs, in my opinion. I have a family member who’s been married 5 times [and divorced 5 times]; we didn’t even bother to attend that last wedding.

Some cultures though, feel compelled to spend a lot on a marriage ceremony. Perhaps the decision on how much to spend is beyond logic, and one of custom and traditions. But, I agree with other posters that in this country, no one can be expected to donate a minimum amount towards nuptials.

That’s crazy. I can’t think of a single relative or friend that I would give 500 dollars to to attend their wedding… It’s already costly for many to attend weddings. Travel, accomodations, attire. That stuff adds up.

I actually agree with all the comments said thus far – Send a gift with regrets.

They need a reality check that one should not be spending that much on a wedding, especially if you cannot afford it.

In my recent wedding, gifts ended up paying for ~40% of the reception, and I was specifically vague about gifting requirements. We had no registry. We had a reception for 75 people with open bar and it cost LESS than 10k.

No way! It is extremely poor etiquette to ask for a gift at all at a wedding. I’d decline and not even send a gift out of principal. The marriage won’t last anyway. They say the number one thong married chokes argue about is money and spending and it’s clear this couple in incapable of living within their means. A marriage isn’t about a wedding…. $500/person is an over the top per head price as well. Get your priorities in order….

I should say the only time I feel money exchange is appropriate is when people have destination weddings and guests need to pay for a cruise etc but in those cases the money is usually given to a travel agent anyway….

No way! It is extremely poor etiquette to ask for a gift at all at a wedding. I’d decline and not even send a gift out of principal. The marriage won’t last anyway. They say the number one thing married couples argue about is money and spending. It’s clear this couple in incapable of living within their means. A marriage isn’t about a wedding…. $500/person is an over the top per head price as well. Get your priorities in order….

I should say the only time I feel money exchange is appropriate is when people have destination weddings and guests need to pay for a cruise etc but in those cases the money is usually given to a travel agent anyway….

Hell no if he can’t afford it on his own then he shouldn’t have it. You know they will get at least some money from the wedding use it to pay for the reception but have it at a cheap place you can afford without having to count on your guests paying for it. And who the hell is going to pay to attend a wedding anyway not anyone i know, unless it is a denstionation wedding in which casei would expect.

Even if we assumed he was going with a relatively small guest list of maybe 50 people, that makes it a $25K wedding already. How committed is he to the venue? If he hasn’t promised his first born, maybe he could be convinced to cancel and look at other places. There’s a lot of nice venues in the Capital District and surrounding areas that are more affordable if you make the effort to look for them. Or getting married at City Hall and having a celebration down the road when the couple can actually pay for it isn’t unheard of these days. Or I think some banks will do loans specific for wedding costs. Honestly, there’s a lot he could (and should) do before asking all the guests to pay $500 to attend his party.

I agree with the point Miss Erin made though. Make sure you’re in the same boat as your husband on this and approach it together. Let him take the lead in talking to his son. If he’s still convinced that the only wedding for him is a $500 pp affair, then declining (as graciously as possible) and sending a gift that’s within your means is perfectly reasonable.

UHM!!! Well, I certainly hope that your husband feels that his son has gone over the deep end and that you will both be on the same page with this one.

I believe that I would tell my lovely step son that as per his wishes you will not be over stepping any boundaries of parenthood by telling him how absolutely ridiculous his (and his future wife – let’s not forget about her here – she is making the same request is she not?) request is and that while you love him very much, unfortunately, you and his father will be unable to attend his wedding reception. You are truly sorry that you will miss it as you are sure it is going to be wonderful. And send them what you can afford.

I have to say that I find this to be one of the most ridiculous things that I have ever heard of in my life and this man needs a serious walk in the real world.

Reader, write the following note to your son and mail it (feel free to enhance where needed):

Dear (Insert name here),
While I am happy for you in finding the woman you may want to spend the rest of your life with, I am a bit apprehensive at the request that guests pay $500.00 each to foot the bill of your pending nuptials. You have gently reminded me over the years that you are not my true-born son. And while these statements did sting over the years, I have come to grips with them. As you are not my son, I don’t feel responsible to pay for your wedding. You know your father is recently retired and is on a limited fixed income. While I’m sure he would love to help you any way he can, one of the ways he cannot is financially. We would love to come to your wedding as invited guests and will give a gift to you that’s appropriate and within our financial means.
Further, almost all of the people I have asked stated that it’s not right to ask anyone to contribute a set amount to attend a reception and I respectfully request that you remove this obligation for everyone you are inviting.
I have attached a number to a financial advising agency, as it seems that you may be requiring their services in order to keep spending within your own means.
Love Always,
Not-mom.
XXX ooo XXX

Maggie,
Clearly it does matter to A. Reader, she discussed it in her opening question. I know you probably aren’t too familiar with me as an OTE comment submitter, but let me assure you that as the 2012 OTE “Dear Abby” award winner, all advice given by me here is on point, carefully worded and always, 100% very serious. You can see, I also made sure to suggest that the reader change things to best suit her needs, in the improbable event that she would want to tweak this letter in any way.

And jsc, I 100% agree that dad should sign off on the letter too, but have a slight fear that he is just one of those “let’s suck it up and deal and not rock the boat” kind of guys.

EZ, I’m sure that the father is at best one of those “let’s suck it up and deal and not rock the boat” fellows. But I think he’s best described as a Disneyland Dad to have raised a son with such a sense of entitlement. If there are any OTE Awards for 2014, you’ve got my vote for the Dear Abby award :)

If I was going to get 500 bucks from everyone I invited to my wedding, I’d send out the Save the Dates tomorrow. I don’t even have a girlfriend, let alone a fiancee, but I’m sure I can find someone who is down with tying the knot to reap some quick income.

Is this guy HIGH?! This grown man expects his father to foot the bill for a SECOND wedding? If he can’t afford it, well, life sucks–buy a helmet. If you and his father go along with this, better save your pennies because you’ll be paying for wedding #3, too.

Reader, you don’t owe this spoiled, insensitive brat anything and would do well to be rid of him. Don’t even waste money on a gift. Tell him that you’ll only show up if he pays YOU $500 each. Mother of God! For $500 a plate, I expect lobster with truffles and solid gold party favors. Reality check: It’s only a 4-hour party!

If this kid were my step-son, like EZ said, I’d be quick to remind him that I’m sure as heck NOT his mama and don’t owe him a darn thing.

I listened to an NPR article last week on how Afghan brides, in one of the poorest countries in the world, spend lavishly on marriage ceremonies. Article says there is ‘plenty of demand’ for dresses that cost three times the average *monthly* wage in Afghanistan. If you google NPR and Afghan brides, you’ll find the article.
It is unknown if the stepson or bride is of a particular ethnicity, just wanted to point out that it may be mostly influenced by tradition or environment.
If we all listened to just plain reason, then most expenses for a marriage ceremony would seem illogical, wouldn’t it?

If the couple can’t afford the reception, they shouldn’t have it. An adult child cannot expect parents or step-parents to foot the bill for a wedding. If the parents want to and can pay for all or part of the event, great. But if not, the couple needs to put on their big girl/big boy pants and figure something else out.

No way, no how. I wouldn’t go into the whole, “I’m not your real mother, remember?” thing because that’s beside the point. He’s not asking you to pay because you’re his stepmother, he’s asking everyone. The point is he’s wrong to ask anyone to pay for his wedding, whether it’s his first or his 15th. I would do what someone else here said – he said he can’t afford it, well they need to have a party they can afford because you can’t either.

I think it’s funny how everyone wants to show off and have these fancy receptions – they’re all the same and they all meld together and I can’t remember anything special about any particular wedding that I’ve been to. When I get married, it’ll be a little beach party somewhere and our buddy Ed will cook the burgers!

This makes me angry just reading it. As many others have said, you plan a wedding that you can afford. If you want something bigger and fancier than what you can afford, it is your responsibility to deal with that, by saving up for awhile, getting a personal loan, whatever. It is SO rude to ask anyone to contribute any amount of money to your wedding. Honestly, even if you and your husband were millionaires, it’s STILL rude to ask.

If I were you, I would send a polite refusal and hold off on a gift or card. My guess is that many people will be unable or unwilling to afford this, and the wedding will be cancelled or re-planned within the couple’s means. At that time you may choose to attend or send a card or gift. If there are people crazy enough to pay $500 each to attend and they go through with it, I would still decline and send a card or gift.