This post will “offend some, and titillate others.” That’s in quotations because I stole it from a Kiss video. We all have a shadow self. A “dark side”, if you will. Although there are common elements, each shadow self is as different as each of us are. For some, this part of us is in conflict with our higher self. Others are more at peace with it. And some of us go back and forth, hopefully aspiring for more peace than conflict. I will focus on the element of the shadow self that wants to control people. Punish people for transgressions. Dominate those less powerful than ourselves. To a degree, this trait is in most of us. Most of us keep it in check. Others do not. Those people are called sociopaths. I’m not writing to you. Go get some therapy. Or a personality transplant. For those of us who keep our darker nature in check, I offer you a place, and a context, to let this self out. Let’s call this part that wants to control, dominate, and punish, the Bad Boy. Or The Bad Girl. That doesn’t sound so threatening. And for what I’m about to offer, it does not have to be threatening at all. In fact, it can be fun, exhilarating, exciting, passionate, intimate, and even highly beneficial. And sexy. Very, very sexy. The place I’m talking about is the bedroom. And the context I’m talking about is sex. Some of you saw this coming. And got excited. And some of you saw it coming, and experienced an “Oh No”. And still others have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. In the vernacular of sex, what I’m talking about is referred to as “D&S”, or “Dominance and Submission”. This may or may not include what’s known as “B&D”, or “Bondage and Discipline”, and or “S&M”, or "SadoMasichism”. Okay. Enough with the cryptic acronyms. Let’s get down to business. Our need to dominate and control can be exercised in the bedroom with wonderful results. I’m not going to go into the nitty gritty of it (that would be a whole ‘nother post). I will instead share my insights on the psychology of it, and how it can bring individuals a sense of freedom, expression, and joy. And how it can bring couples new levels of intimacy, closeness, excitement, pleasure, and yes, love. Preposterous you say? Not at all. I will use the following analogy. Many of us indulge in this shadow self when we compete in sports. If you want to win, and even if you don’t care that much about winning, you experience a certain element of wanting to control or dominate your opponent. It’s t the nature of competition. It feels kinda good. Many of us experience it in business. Even if you are an ethical and socially responsible business person, you would like, to varying degrees, the ability to control your market, your competition, your customers, your vendors.....right down the line. Because it would mean you would always get what you want. When you want it. And that’s a part of human nature. Maybe not a terribly evolved part of human nature, but there nonetheless. In the bedroom, we can play out this shadow self safely and erotically. If we can indulge this in a controlled, fun, safe environment, many things can and often do happen. We get to be The Bad Boy or The Bad Girl without actually hurting anyone, or causing harmful consequences. We exercise a piece of ourselves in acts of self expression. And self expression is very important, critical I would say, to our development as full human beings. I said I was not going to get into the nitty gritty, but I realize that some nitty gritty is necessary to understand the bigger picture. So let’s say one partner wants to be tied up, and the other partner agrees. What the person who wants to be tied up (known as a “Sub” for “submissive”, or “Bottom”) is doing is giving up a vast degree of control to their partner. And the partner is accepting the responsibility of that control. The mere consent by both parties alone involves a great deal of trust. And increasing trust between partners is an important element in deepening the relationship. So already, we’re off to a good start. Many people have to exert a lot of control in their lives outside the bedroom. Through a job where they are responsible for consequential decisions. Or in parenthood where they are responsible, literally, for lives. Or perhaps it is just one’s nature to want to be “in control” of things, to varying degrees. There are the Hyper-Responsible types. There are the Planners. Many people shoulder a lot of responsibility. I offer that, in the bedroom, for them to be able to give up control to another trusted person is not only a welcome relief, but highly stimulating and pleasurable. Just for a while, they let somebody else take charge. You don’t even have to have a lot of responsibility in your life to crave the desire to let somebody else take over for a while. Any stress one has in their life, whether self imposed or environmentally imposed, can reek havoc on one’s nervous system. Letting go of that, even if just for a while, gives the mechanisms that literally run your body a little vacation. But it goes much deeper than just a break for your central nervous system. The eroticism of it touches something deep inside of us that wants someone else to take care of us. If you are lying on a bed, helpless, then ipso facto, somebody else has to take care of you. Most of us have a desire to be cared for. This is just another way to experience that. But wait! There’s more! There is something very taboo and naughty about surrendering yourself to another. Even if just for a while. And taboo and naughty are usually big red hot erotic turn ons. The forbidden fruit always tastes good. Stay tuned for part two, where I delve into this more. And where I talk about the person in control. The “Dom” (for “Dominant”) or “Top”. That’s where the Bad Boy or the Bad Girl really has the chance to get the lead out. Literally.