​5 Stupid/Terrifying HottestChristmas Toys of 2016

4. SUPERMAN WITH SHIELD

(You can read this entry if you want, but I think the most humiliating thing I can say about this toy is that even the grown man playing with dolls in this video points out that it's silly to give Superman a shield.)

Since the Man of Steel’s 1978 big-screen debut, where he showed us that spinning the Earth backwards somehow changes the past according to his will instead of just simultaneously killing everyone on the planet, it’s been made very clear that the creative team in charge of Superman often goes out of its way to hate all logic and reason. And now they’re at it again. But this time, it looks like they’ve recruited help from the same League of Substandard Toymakers that seeks to destroy Batman’s reputation to create a toy that defies sense harder than ever before. It appears the League isn’t too fond of Superman either, as evidenced by this punchline of a Christmas gift. Here, imagine you work at Justice League HQ and you got Superman for your Secret Santa. You’ll probably be inclined to choose carefully, buying a gift for someone who could melt your face with his eye-lasers. So let’s start by eliminating the bad gift ideas. What is there that Superman could never possibly use? What is the absolute worst and most useless thing you could give him, unless as a joke? (And still, it’s probably not a good idea to get Superman a joke for Christmas.) The answer, sadly, is in the title of this toy: a shield. Someone gave the most indestructible being in the universe a shield for Christmas, somebody I expect is no longer with us. In case you don’t know that much about Superman, the main thing you need to know right now is that his skin is bulletproof. So unless this shield is made from skin that he sliced off of his own back, there’s no way it could be as indestructible as he already is when wearing nothing at all. If anything, it would actually make him weaker since he’d spend half of his time protecting the shield from harm so as not to offend the 3-year-old child or developmentally disabled adult that gave it to him. And that’s it. We’ve reached maximum irony.

​ Giving Superman a shield is like giving Aquaman scuba equipment. Or giving Bruce Wayne a dollar. To be fair, though, it’s actually only half as bizarre as the time they gave Superman an effing airplane.

Pictured: The last toy this toymaker made before being found with a fist-shaped hole where his abdomen used to be.

RATING (OUT OF 10):

STUPID: ANY NUMBER HIGHER THAN 10 The fact that Superman’s body is essentially a shield in and of itself should be point enough. But on top of that, Superman also already has a laughable overabundance of super-abilities as it is, probably, like, 10,000-or-so, and he gets a new one every couple of weeks. If he ever finds himself in a new situation, he just makes up some more new powers to cover it. So the idea that someone thought they needed to give him accessories, too—accessories that do something Superman’s body was already doing, even in his sleep—is maximumly insane.TERRIFYING: 0 I’m not the guy who told Superman he needs a shield, so for me: 0. But for the guy who did tell Superman he needs a shield, ANY NUMBER HIGHER THAN 10.AWESOME: 1 Superman is AWESOME in and of himself, so that at least earns something. And it’s kind of funny thinking about all the things that may have happened to the guy who gave Superman a shield.

HOW SCARED SHOULD I BE: 1

But for the guy who did tell Superman he needs a shield, ANY NUMBER HIGHER THAN 10.

TERRIFYING TOY OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE:

Superman’s Rape Whistle!

Fact: I looked at SO many penis whistles to make this picture. Eff you guys.

The Man of Steel may be indestructible, and a dude, but one never can be too careful! Sure, I mean, I guess there is no conceivable situation where he could use a rape whistle, but—Superman? Is that… what are you doing? Wait, No! NOOOOOOO!!!

From the Substandard Toymaker League!

(P.S.: Dear Superman/Henry Cavill, please don't sue or kill me.)

5. SHOPKINS: A PEDOPHILIC HORROR ADVENTURE

"Eat me!"

Shopkins is a line of toys whose purpose is to celebrate consumerism in the most terrifying way possible. It’s the perfect balance of ironic and disturbing. Shopkins depicts a world where every consumer product is alive with a happy, excited face. Every meal in that world would be like biting into an adorable kitten. It’s basically Sausage Party for kids. So already, what the eff is that? That’s sick, Toymakers, just sick. It’s also even worse than that, as it’s not just food that’s alive, but all consumer products. All of it. So toilets and clothes and firewood? Yeah, alive. In Shopkinland, you’d have living toilets eating your poop, living firewood screaming as it burns to death in your fireplace and living clothes covering your naked body with their naked bodies. So getting dressed is basically an orgy. Oh, and did I mention that, other than living consumer products, the creators of this pedo-friendly fantasy have populated their sick universe exclusively with little girls that they’ve splattered with delicious frosting?

When I combine the idea that all clothes are alive, plus the following image of a little Shopkins girl with an inviting doughnut right where her vagina should be, it feels as if a tiny, pedophilic Freddy Krueger has crawled into my eyes and started slashing around at my brain.

​ So, to sum up, what we have here is a toy that’s clearly made by pedophiles and/or psychos to instill addictive materialism into kids and, sometimes, probably, to seduce them into vans. …Please, please keep your child away from Shopkins.This just in: HOLY EFF! I just found the Shopkins Youtube channel and everything is worse now.

In this 2-minute webisode, we learn that these living consumer products can talk and process emotions while they eat kabobs made out of their friends, one of them is being visibly eaten by worms and they eat food off the ground, which, I guess, would be gross if they weren’t just cannibalizing each other for 2 minutes.

RATING (OUT OF 10):

STUPID: 10 Going along with the relevant point I already covered, that this toy’s main purpose is to turn kids into shopping addicts, here’s another one: these toys are dumb. I mean all these new toys that charge over a dollar each for a penny-sized, lump of plastic that actually costs less than a penny to produce. These toys have no moving parts or other features, they are not even erasers, just a worthless plastic statue that actually cost more per volume than erasers and moving part toys. They’re not even there to be played with, just collected, teaching kids to fall in love with and hoard a bunch of useless junk. Hmm… You know, I just now remembered my awesome collection of “Monster in my Pocket” figures from the 80s so forget everything I just said.TERRIFYING: AT LEAST 10,000

“My underwear has a mouth! It feels funny…”

AWESOME: 0 Shopkins introduces your child to a world of addiction, orgies and cannibalism. There is nothing good about Shopkins.

HOW SCARED SHOULD I BE: 10+

​At this point, I’m running out of ways to criticize a world of child orgies and cannibalism. It’s just not a topic I ever expected to cover for so long.

TERRIFYING TOY OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre Vibrating Underwear for Kids!

Of all the photoshops I've ever done, I can confidently say that I'm least proud of the ones on this page. And that's considering that, a year ago, I photoshopped cookies coming out of a dolls's ass.

Make potty training fun with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Vibrating Underwear for Kids! Each pair has beloved characters and gory blood-splatters from your favorite horror franchise, and uses two CR2032 batteries to vibrate your child’s genita—WAIT. WHAT THE EFF ARE WE SELLING???? JESUS CHRIST, I’M CALLING THE POLICE!!!

PRISON!

OVERALL:

​I think the main lesson here is don’t eff with kids—not figuratively and sure as eff not literally. (Seriously. Click here if you need help: www.stopitnow.org) Oh and DC? Stop humiliating your superheroes! You see what Marvel is doing with the Avengers? Do that. I’m starting to become convinced of my theory that Marvel has taken over DC to run that brand into the ground with shame to make their own brand look better. Lastly, toymakers (I know you’re reading this), please don’t prey on children, and please don’t bring back poop-eating toys next year.