Army Cancels Black Light Equipment Inspections

FORT DRUM, N.Y. — Senior leaders at the Pentagon have shelved a controversial new policy mandating 100% black light inspections during Central Issue Facility (CIF) turn-in. Public documents indicate that the testing led to the condemnation of the Fort Drum CIF for violation of the New York State Health Code 1.68, Section 5, as it “constituted a danger or nuisance, or was otherwise prejudicial to the public health.”

According to officials close to the issue, New York State Department of Health Officials were alerted after suspicious stains were found by black lights on nearly 100% of equipment during turn-in and re-issue for an entire 4 week test period. Upon further analysis by the Cornell School of Industrial and Labor Relations, the stains were a virulent mixture of semen, blood, feces, and radioactive isotopes.

“We have been saying for years what the black lights confirmed the last few weeks,” said Lloyd Kilpatrick, former Fort Drum CIF supervisor. “Even the soldiers themselves had a faint glow on the clothes they were wearing while turning in their equipment. It is like they came directly from an orgy at a Liberian meat packing facility.”

Kilpatrick’s team were constantly calling in sick with diseases thought to be eradicated in the United States over the past century. They finally walked out when the Fort Drum Directorate of Logistics Supply and Services Division denied them decon/hazmat equipment after the test results were verified.

“Have you ever had someone call in sick because they had the yaws or Rinderpest?” Kilpatrick told Duffel Blog. “I didn’t know I had to prepare for ‘cattle-plague’ and skin lesions on my Risk Management Worksheet.”

U.S. Army Acquisition Support Center Director Craig Spisak weighed in on the issue, assuring soldiers and civilian workers that a solution will be found to ensure everyone’s safety in the very near future.

“We have looked at all of the options and currently have our best people analyzing every scenario,” said Spisak during a press conference earlier today. “Incineration, bleaching, sterilization of soldiers, and even using equipment as biological agents has been suggested. However, all of these methods are extremely costly to taxpayers and may violate both the Geneva and Biological Weapons Conventions.”

Regarding interim measures at other facilities, Spisak told reporters that there currently is no plan and workers will continue with the current CIF cleaning policy of throwing soiled equipment into a bin, haphazardly folding it, and giving it directly to the next warm body through the door.

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Jack S. McQuack is not in control of his life. He writes for Duffel Blog to compensate for not dying in a blaze of glory in some third-world hellhole. In his spare time he enjoys eating until he hates himself and has a mean case of prostatitis.