Proud to celebrate the big 5-0 in the treasured company of family and friends.

If you know me well – or even if you don’t but you’re good at reading between the lines – you’re probably aware that one of my current life challenges involves moving past the emotional fallout from my recent divorce.

It’s been about nine months since we signed the papers. Every day is a little better than the last. Once in a while, I do slip into a pit. Sadness is a persistent companion but not, in my estimation, a bad one. Tears cleanse the heart, and I’m fortunate to count on the ready support of friends and family, who never fail at making me smile. There’s always a rainbow to be found after the storm; a shaft of sunshine on a cloudy day.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been coaching myself toward a new project: In baby steps and occasional leaps of faith, I’m opening myself up to the idea of dating. This has precipitated no small amount of reflection on what what “dating” means in the context of my independent, middle-aged existence. Many expectations of my 20s and 30s now beg to be thrown out the window. Not because I’m any less capable or less deserving of love and passion, but because the hopes and fears I had back then don’t seem all that relevant now.

Listen to one conversation between twenty-something women in a coffee shop, and you might understand what I mean. Been there. Done that. Not going back, thank you very much.

Once we reach the summer of our lives, that youthful drive to twist ourselves into the shape of our partner’s expectations has all but disappeared. We no longer search for the One who will give “meaning” to our lives. Men, for all their charms, do not wield the same power over the sum total of our future – in part because we no longer grant them that power.

Questions of life style, children, and career paths have all been settled. We’re comfortable with who we are and no longer stress as much about who we want to be or where we’re going in life.

Okay, we are planning for retirement, which carries its own brand of stress. But that’s logistics, not romance. And logistics are always less complicated when you’re planning for one.

After a divorce – or two – the myth of ‘forever love’ hardly seems worth sustaining. We know from experience how much joy and pain love inevitably brings. Having lived through the triumphs and sorrows of a true relationship, we are less inclined to sacrifice our personal truth just to be with someone. Compromise carries its rewards, but it never guarantees the future. Understanding this inspires us to focus on our own dreams, even as we occasionally welcome the presence of another who chooses to walk the same path with us.

Despite this awareness that relationships can never play the same role they once played, a very primordial need for companionship drives me back toward the dance. It’s human nature, after all. We are social creatures. We want to enjoy the good things in life in the company of others, to engage in loving and intimate relationships.

As I turn away from the past and embrace the future, I hear voices of conflict in my head. 50-something me and 20-something me sit at a table in that imaginary coffee shop, arguing about how dating and relationships are supposed to work. 20-something me clings to old expectations and insists on what she considers reliable norms of courtship. 50-something me doesn’t want to hear it. Instead, she strives to reinvent herself, to enjoy the fruits of a life well-lived, to remain open to romance but not particularly dependent on it.

She looks out the door that has been opened to her, and suspects that this might very well be the best period of a woman’s life to date.

Confidence, maturity, and independence; wisdom shaped by experience. Twenty-five years ago, I didn’t have these tools or if I did, I hadn’t yet refined them. I didn’t understand just how much was within my rights to demand, and just how many sources of joy and fulfillment can be found outside of a relationship.

How does the old saying go? I wish I knew then what I know now.

Whether by accident or design, “then” is now once again. And all that knowledge I wish I had had? It’s mine, hard-earned and ready to be put to good use.

The time has arrived to play by my own rules.

The Goodreads giveaway for EOLYN, Book One of the Silver Web, is ongoing. Five signed copies are up for grabs. Visit Goodreads or click on the link below to enter, and good luck!

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6 thoughts on “Love in the Summer of Our Lives”

Wow Karin — looking good! I swear you don’t look a day over 29! I think the divorce suited you. I know this joke you’ve probably heard too. Goes like this:

Jini: Gosh Karin, you look great. Have you lost weight?

Karin: Yeah, I lost 150 pounds of ugly fat. I got a divorce :>)

Don’t give up on love though. Love is always just around the corner no matter your age. The big challenge we all have is how to make love last. Not many have figured that out. Even people who remain married all their lives often stay together out of habit while actually they have fallen out of love.

Thanks, Jini! I haven’t given up on love at all; just letting go of the cultural norms that define & confine it. imho, it’s impossible to “make” a relationship last. Either a relationship lasts or it doesn’t, and if it’s meant to end, all of one’s best efforts will not be enough to stop the tide of the inevitable. That doesn’t mean one shouldn’t try, but it’s a dangerous illusion to assume the permanence of a relationship depends entirely on us. It’s not that people don’t “figure it out;” it’s that love has a mind of its own.

I like to use the garden analogy. Love is like a beautiful flower garden. At first all is thriving. As time goes on it won’t stay the same. It will either grow and flourish or it will wither and die from lack of care or disease. For love to flourish it takes a lot of work. Yes you’re right — no matter how hard we work at it, things can still go wrong. A garden can be overtaken by disease with no fault on the part of the gardener. In the case of love, people can change and we may find we’re not compatible with the new changed person anymore, through no fault of theirs or ours. There’s no guarantees but love is certainly worth trying to keep. Permanence is a whole other philosophical issue. Can love last beyond a lifetime? I don’t know. I hope to find out.