Monday, December 14, 2015

Here I am, I'm pregnant with my 8th child. It hit me even more when I called for an appointment with my midwife and the secretary said: "This is your 9th pregnancy, right?" Nine...what?? Huh, yes, this IS my ninth pregnancy! My first one was 17 almost 18 years ago. I had never tested positive and when I miscarried, it took me many weeks to find an answer to what had happened. I was not attached, I had no dreams, I did not know I was pregnant, when I miscarried is when I found out something was going on. Once I knew, I grieved and never forgot. But, I never "counted" that baby, except on each pregnancy first appointment where I guess in the papers doctors or midwives have to fill that "how many pregnancies" question. It sounds unfair to this first little one. But he or she always silently counted in my heart.

When I found out I was pregnant this time around, I was alone. I was shocked. I was scared. I was longing to feel some joy but fear took over.

The day I found out about rainbow #1, I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I had imagined how happy I would be, like over the moon happy, but I couldn't feel anything for days!

So, this time around I didn't want to have any expectations but I was hoping for joy.

I've come to realise that grief has changed everything, no matter how I desperately want to feel like I did about my 5 first children, a mix of joy, anxiousness, anticipation, excitement...

No. Not happening anymore. But I already love this little tiny one growing in my womb and I have faith that joy will eventually take over and win. Just like it did for my first Rainbow.

So, on top of the "all day" morning sickness that is very intense this time around, the unbelievable fatigue, and the bleeding that once again has come and gone, there is the emotional draining. Now is not the time to ask me if I want more children. This is not a question that ever shocked me, when asked nicely but now is not the time. For many other reasons, I feel this little one is probably my last one. So, I try to focus on doing everything "right", take the weekly belly pictures that I never took with any of my other children, announcing early in a special way etc. And yes, I am announcing early this time around too. Before losing Lily, I could not keep this a secret, I was so happy! I also oddly had it in the back of my mind that if I was to lose the baby, it would be very hard to have to tell everyone that I miscarried but on the other hand it would be horrible to go through this on our own, kind of like when I miscarried the first time. So here is our special photo announcement:

Wanting to do everything "right" I went back and forth more than I thought I would with deciding on the concept. I wanted to include all my children and this is the easiest way I found. I kind of love how Lily left a big empty space between #5 and #7. It was not on purpose but this is really how it feels. When for some reason, I have to count how many of us there is, making sure no one is missing...every time I feel something is "wrong" , the numbers don't add up! Or, when I am asked how many children I have, I dread this question, always.

I definitely started imagining our futur with this little one. He or she is here right now and I celebrate this life! I know God is in control, He is the One who put life in my womb and trusting him with it and praising him for it is the best thing I can do!

Thursday, October 01, 2015

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am excited to be taking part of Capture Your Grief 2015 by CarlyMarie for the 4rth year! After a wonderful and busy summer, many changes and adaptations, cooler temperatures & shorter days were inevitable, I was looking forward to this project to pursue healing, keep my baby girl's memory alive and raise awareness for PAIL...

"Capture Your Grief is a mindful healing project for anyone who is grieving the death of a baby or child of any age or gestation. There are 31 subjects, one for each day in the month of October. You are invited to explore each subject and share a photo that captures your own journey. You are welcome to take new photos or use ones from the past. Capture Your Grief is about exploring your grief and discovering more about your thoughts to aid in your journey of healing and personal growth. You can join the project at any time of the month."I will try my best to explore each of the subjects planned for each day during this beautiful month of October.

Day1- SUNRISE

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Day 2 - INTENTION

Through this project, that allows me to express Lily's legacy of creativity, I intend to pursue my efforts to speak for the little ones who can't...the little ones who deserve nothing but love&hope despite a prenatal diagnosis of a life limiting condition. I intend to try to support families going through what we have been by sharing our story.

*This is a photo I took this afternoon as I was having a little treat and found a heart shape chopping some of the last delicious local strawberries that are still in my fridge.Day 3- IN HONOURI am doing this project in loving memory of my baby girl Lily; a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a grand daughter... a surprise, a gift, a precious soul that had a purpose.

Before I was born the Lord called me;from my mother’s womb he has spoken my name. Isaiah 49:1Day 4- DARK+LIGHTThe dark and ugly side of grief was the bitterness that I was tempted to feel towards mothers that had never lost a baby, who were pregnant or had newborn babies or were complaining about their motherhood challenges. Discomfort in those situations was normal but I felt bitterness was unhealthy. During many months, I battled with these emotions, praying for God to wash them away from my heart, to give me the strength to face uncomfortable situations and to love despite being uncomfortable. When bitter feelings came up, I would focus on being thankful to God for Lily, for my other children and for those babies that really, were little miracles too... That brings me to the peace that God filled my heart with along with comfort and hope through this journey of grief filled with heartache and pain. Without Him, I know I would be bitter and mad today, I would not have chosen healing. Through His wonderful creation I still can see the beauty of this life and the beauty of Lily's life. God is the One who fills my heart with sweetness from above.

"I'm going to give you a new heart, and I'm going to give you a new spirit within all of your deepest parts. I'll remove that rock-hard heart of yours and replace it with one that is sensitive to me."

Ezechiel 36:26

* I took this picture when we went apple picking today (day 4). It was a calm & peaceful day filled with God's grace of having my 6 earthly children and my hubby to spend it with and the beauty & sweetness of walking through the apple orchard while eating apples fresh from the tree.

Day 5- EMPATHY

I love for friends and family to acknowledge Lily on her birthday or at least acknowledge that this is a special day for me (us). A short note, an e-mail, a $ store birthday or "thinking of you" card, a phone call... Silence hurts on that day. I went through 12 hours of labor and I delivered Lily's body just like I delivered my other children. The room was silent when she was born...I need the silence to not be part of that day anymore. That being said, I received a lot of support on Lily's 3rd birthday. Sure, I had to talk about it and mention how we were remembering Lily but I see it as the same as when I have a birthday party for my other kiddos...I kinda need to send birthday invites if I want their friends to come. I don't expect people to remember on their own because I am the first one to not know by heart most of my friends' children's birth dates (children on earth or in heaven). Sending birthday invitations for a kid's birthday is a lot easier for me than putting into words that Lily's birthday is around the corner...this is part of breaking the silence because it would be a beautiful thing for this to be as easy and natural as announcing any children's birthday and for loved ones to respond positively as well. Just like a simple band-aid has the power to comfort, so does remembering my child, especially on her birthday.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep"

Romans 12:15

* I took this picture today (day 5). My 5 year old came back from school with a "big" bobo on his hand. He insisted on putting a new band-aid by himself. (Of course, he is able to do everything and he also knows it all...!)

Two Small Footprints in Wet Sand is a testimonial noval, "a true tale told by a mother. It's the story of a little girl, of family, friends and the medical community united to define life by it's beauty rather than it's length."

I simply loved it! It was inspiring, filled with love and it did bring me healing to read how Anne-Dauphine Julliand, the author and mother of Thaïs, is putting into words how valuable and precious every life is and how grief does not have to control our lives.

**This is a picture I took of it before I returned it to the library last winter. I wish I had a better one...

Day 7- MEMORY

" Remember when..." You know, those words that we hear all the time when we recall memories? Well, 24 weeks was just too short, I don't have many events that other people outside of the 7 of us can relate to and remember. As Lily's mother, I have memories that no one else have because my womb was her home for 24 weeks. Sadly, I also have much more memories of remembrance of Lily than I have of her alive. So, today I am sharing a sweet memory about Lily's brief existence on this earth that many friends and family will also be able to remember; how we announced that I was pregnant with #6 who tuned out to be Lily. So here it is: "Remember when you found out we were expecting Lily?"

**In December 2011, had already taken the children's photo for our Christmas card. As some know, taking pictures of more than one child at a time can be a challenge so, I didn't want to start over! As this 6th pregnancy came as a surprise, I wanted friends and family to be surprised also! So I included a photo of the pregnancy test assuming that most of them would guess what it was.

Because I am sharing this here today, for the pleasure of seeing it as it could have been, I added "Attendu Juillet 2012", it was not mentioned on the original. I wish I had thought of writing "Due July 2012" or "Expected July 2012" above the pregnancy test in the first place.

The Bible verse in English says: "Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift." 2 Corinthians 9:15 While God's grace is the gift referring to in the verses, I thought that each of my children, even #6 was a grace from the Lord. (#6 was jumping into our lives at a very odd moment, the timing was not ideal in our eyes but God always knew what he was doing). Nothing could have more value than life.

Day 8- Wish List

My wish and hopes are that perinatal hospice and palliative care or comfort care could be set in place in every town and be a strong support for families who face a prenatal fatal diagnosis and are tragically currently too often only offered to terminate.

**I took this photo of the moon the night we observed the moon eclipse. I had never achieved to capture stars before, I couldn't believe my eyes! I chose this photo because of the popular saying"to wish upon a star".

Day 9- FAMILY

This is my family. This is how we are most of the time. We are not colour coordinated, we love to make memories together and Lily's presence in our hearts is invisible. I have just recently been comfortable with taking some family pictures where Lily is not included in some way because reality is, she is not here anymore. She is forever missing. But don't get me wrong, I still love to include Lily's memory in our "formal" family photo sessions, this, I am not ready to part with.

My family is a true gift form God. I love my family. Funny thing about our big family is that by the time I realize and start to enjoy the blessed moments of bliss and peace, there usually is something that comes up and craziness is back. It's like a pattern. But I still wouldn't change a thing, I would be lost without them!

**I took this photo last winter (with the help of the timer on my camera so I could join in the picture). It was one of the rare moment we were all skating at the same time. My children are growing up and making their own decisions but my mother's heart is still full when all my children are with me.

Day 10- WORDS

Truth. Drs did not see Lily's value because she was not born and was going to die. But she was alive and the very fact that she was conceived is a miracle. Her life was precious. Short but valuable.

*This apple tree was smaller than all the others in the orchard but it was still full of fruit...

Day 11- GLOW IN THE WOODS

The person who was there for me the most and who had (unfortunately) suffered babyloss is my friend Jenn @ http://www.treasuringlifesblessings.com/. As I have said countless times, my grief journey would have been very dark without her. She is the one who helped me discover about so many resources that made me feel supported and comforted. Here are a few of those:

My friend Jenn had a photo album on her facebook page of her son Noah's name...pictures that looked more professional, and many that were simply sweet and original sent by some friends or taken by her own children. I loved the idea the minute I saw it! So I asked her permission to do the same and she "laughed" and said the idea was not hers. I was so new to this community, I did not know how common it was! So I began collecting pictures of Lily's name and unfortunately got some harsh negative comments from some who did not know baby loss... So this is why I share... there is nothing wrong with writing your baby's name to remember him/her. Grieving is natural, healthy and necessary. Remembering Lily this way has brought me comfort and is a way that my children can remember her too. I cannot hold her, I cannot see her grow up but she has a name. Her name remains a tangible thing that we have of her here on earth.

*This photo was taken a couple summers ago...I love it!

Day 13- REGRETS + TRIGGERS

I think we all live with regrets. To me the question is; what to do with them?

I deal with them reminding myself that I did my best. I found peace asking God to forgive my negative reaction when I found out I was pregnant with Lily. My reaction was simply human. Fear is a human emotion. I regret being afraid, being terrified to have my baby die in my arms. I was petrified at the idea that she could suffer before she died. So, I did not pray for her to be born alive. I was so scared that I just let it go, let it all up to God, I prayed that His will be done. Without a fight, like I was too weak to argue. I regret not praying to meet her I regret being so afraid. I guess I did do my best and that ultimately, God had a plan for her life and my fears were only human.

As for triggers, this is a subject that is very abstract, year after year when asked about it in this project so I will not address it for this time.

Day 14- EXPRESS YOUR HEART

I am not sure what I want to talk about here. I guess I want to express my gratitude towards the Lord's faithfulness. He picks me up where I am and His love never changes. Because of Him, I grieve with hope...

"...God's love never fails."

Psalms 136

Day 15- WAVE OF LIGHT

I have read a couple good articles about why October 15 is important. Here are a few good ones that I found:

*A wave of light...I love to imagine what this looks like from space (that is if we could see it from there...) how special...

Day 16- CREATIVE GRIEF

Most definitely, this is how grief has left an imprint on me. I always loved photography but I blamed it on just being a fan of my children and a paranoid mother who wanted to document everything so I would not forget and my kids would have memories later on. Photography is the creative way I like to remember Lily and when I am behind the camera, it really feels right and it feels good. I love to document my grief this way. Not only during the month of October, but all year long. On days when I feel a bit down, I pick up my camera and I usually feel much better after.

*Nature is a big part of what I love to capture. In Heaven, Lily sees magnificent things that are even more beautiful than what we can witness here...but I can only appreciate what I see and what she would have seen too. I like to capture what I would have loved to see her appreciate too if she had been here. Creation is beautiful!

Before Lily died I knew who I was. I was a mother who loved to look after her kids. I loved watching TV and I loved to cook and bake. After Lily died it seemed like everything became a chore. I hated watching TV, I didn't care about cooking or baking anymore. I was fine interacting with my children but as soon as I would have to discipline, it quickly became overwhelming. It felt like mourning and grieving took most of the space. I lost my sense of organisation and I lost my ability to focus. I still managed to feed my family and to clean but I resented it. Now, I have been slowly grabbing back what I had lost...my interests, my focus etc. but it has been a journey.

Day 18- Seasons + Symbols

As soon as the first cold days come in the fall, the freezing sensation brings me back to the morning I came back home from the hospital. I was so cold, and I could feel it in my heart like it was freezing too. Even my heart felt cold.

As for symbols, the lily flower is what always reminds me of my girl.

Day 19- Music

I am sharing the link to a song that was written because of baby Samantha Bueno by her parents Charity Grace & Vincent Bueno. Samantha has been diagnosed with anencephaly but despite drs advise to terminate the pregnancy, her mother and father decided to carry her until birth. As a matter of fact, today is the day they expect to meet their daughter.

Lily had a strong heartbeat until the end...She lived 24 weeks in my womb. She was a fighter.

Day 20- Forgiveness + Humanity

Ironically, today is my husband's birthday. We have been married for 20 years now. All I can say is that forgiveness was and is still something mandatory when you have been with someone for that long! He keeps messing up and yeah, I keep messing up too! We are both human beings, very different human beings. As a parent, I also have to ask my living children to forgive me, as I am far from a perfect parent. I have to teach them the importance of forgiveness for the sake of their own happiness and well-being.

Letting go of the anger by forgiving will bring peace. The damage that has been done may have left an open wound or a scar and trust will have to be earned again but anger will be gone.

Day 21: SACRED SPACE

There is a shelf in my dining room with all sorts of little items that I change around depending on the season or the event. It is surrounded by our daily family messy items...

It is Lily's remembrance shelf.

Day 22: DREAMS + RITUALS

I daydream of Lily and find myself desperately trying to imagine who she is now. It took me over 2 years to be able to accept the thought that maybe she was growing in heaven or that maybe she was already a certain age. The thought of her not being a baby anymore when we would be reunited used to be too much to bear. I now like to daydream that somehow, I won't have missed anything and that I just might be able to see all that has been going on all this time we were separated by heaven and earth...

On Lily's birthday, I like to remember her with a birthday cake and a single candle, one candle representing one life. I also like to create special themed events on FB. and invite my friends to remember Lily's short life with us. Last year was a ladybug theme. The first was photos of the sky, sunrise, sunset. Year 2 was very difficult because Lily's grand-parents on my husband's side told us they would not remember by gathering together on her special day. I was very hurt by that. On top of it all, the new addition to our family was only 8 months and I was quite busy. Since I did not blog about what we did, I don't have many positive memories about year 2. That sucks.

Day 23: LOVE LETTER

I have written a letter for today. It is not a typical love letter but I would say it is a declaration of love & respect for all life. It is a letter written in French asking for Perinatal palliative and hospice services in my region & Province, for parents who face a prenatal diagnosis of a limited life expectancy for their unborn child.

**Those lily flower stamps became available a few weeks after Lily died. I bought many of them hoping they would last many years...

Day 24: CHOOSE YOUR BREATH

I believe grief and healing can co-exist. Where am I in my grief journey? I have been comforted by my Lord, and He still provides for comfort whenever I need it. I have chosen about 8 months into my grief that healing was going and had to happen. I am comfortable where I am now. I think and hope that I will always feel the need to remember my girl and keep her memory alive. There is not much else to do as her mother...she does not need me for now where she is. I am a bereaved mother who walks through a life where loss and pain and joy and beauty co-exist.

Day 25: EARTH REMEMBRANCE

We did plant many lily flowers that had been offered to us the day of Lily's funeral. But they are not where I want them to be. I have finally decided on a better place for them. This is a project hat I am very excited about and that will be completed in the spring!

Day 26: GRATITUDE

Thankfulness is what has helped me fight bitterness. Thankfulness has brought peace when I was pregnant with Lily's little sibling. The Bible says to be thankful at all times and it sure has always helped me put things into perspective and trust that God was in control.

My youngest child has a thing for this Precious Moments Angel doll...it says the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep prayer...it could also be grateful and praying.

Day 27: SELF PORTRAIT

It is scientific fact that Lily's (as well as all my other children) cells have been left behind...I like to think she left me creativity cells and empathy cells. My passion for photography simply bloomed after I had Lily as well as many other ways I now love to express myself.

Day 28: REACH OUT

This year again, we will donate shoe boxes for children by Samaritian's Purse. This is a beautiful project that is bringing joy to children in need. Because children are precious in God's eyes.

** My "baby's" older brother is helping him take a few sips of hot chocolate. On that day my oldest boys started a fire and were very excited to try boiling water to make hot chocolate... Just like a simple hot chocolate made their day, a shoe box can make a child smile too.

Today is the day my friend lost her son to SIDS 4 years ago. My heart has been heavy today all day thinking of her and remembering her son Cameron.

Capture Your Grief was the opportunity for me to open up and share about my grief and healing. It has been a challenge to complete it and keep up with it because life happens every day! But I am so grateful for this project that has opened my eyes to healing and the possibility of capturing the emptiness, the beauty and the love that Lily's life left as a legacy.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Safety, safety, safety. As most parents, my first child was not even born yet and I was already concerned about our environment being safe for my child. After coming across a heartbreaking post on FB a few years ago, I became even more aware of dangers for children. Meghan's Hope is an organization in memory of Meghan (Packard) Beck who was tragically killed when her dresser fell over her. They aim to raise awareness about the little known safety hazards, especially dangers of furniture and tv tip over. Their mission has expanded to include all aspects of child safety, childproofing and accident prevention. This post is in memory of Meghan.

This is our third year of having a trampoline in our backyard. At first, I wasn't so sure that it was a good idea. Safety issues, managing the "taking turns" issues plus the 'safest' trampolines back then were VERY expensive. But then, the cheapest were finally available having a net on the inside, protecting from jumping on the springs. My kids were getting older but not old enough in my opinion to go to the park or ride their bikes in the street without my supervision an 4 out of 5 of my children were old enough to use a trampoline. Even my wonderful Chiropractor had one in her backyard for her children and talking to her about the benefits, the supervision and the safety rules that would have to be put in place, we decided to get a trampoline.

One of the safety rules that we rarely find when browsing about trampoline safety rules is to never ever let your children play UNDER the trampoline. My Chiropractor had warned me about this danger because someone jumping on the trampoline could jump on the head of the person who is under the trampoline and this could cause permanent or even fatal damage to the spine of the person under the trampoline. I am not a chiropractor so I am unfortunately not able to explain exactly what would happen but my common sense tells me that this is absolutely something to think about and to prevent. I know my children would have been tempted to make forts under there but thanks to my chiropractor, the rule not to go under the trampoline was mandatory and had to be observed like all the other trampoline safety rules.

That was easy. My kids could all understand and observe the rules. But this year is very different because our last addition is now 20 months old!!! He is walking and exploring and he simply LOVES to be outside! And sure enough, as soon as the trampoline was up, he tried to go under it!

At that age, constant supervision is needed but even then, I felt like this was just an accident waiting to happen. So in an effort to make it safer I had the idea of fencing the bottom contour of the trampoline with green plastic snow fence (or warning or all purpose fence). My husband went all around with it removing the excess on the top part of it only where the entrance of the trampoline is and using tie wraps he fixed it to each pole.

The use of a trampoline will always require adult supervision no matter what. Some will argue that its use should simply be banned and I understand their concerns. Having a trampoline in your backyard is certainly not mandatory but kids will find a way to it. Either at the neighbors or at a friend's birthday party or heck, in the backyard of your chiropractor! Our children need to know how to safely use a trampoline and it's up to us to teach them.

Wednesday, April 08, 2015

The hard part around this time of year for me isn't just on Lily's actual birth day (I think it is never the case for anyone, anyway) Easter is really hard. The last day I felt her kick is really hard. The day I found out she was gone is also really hard.So for this 3rd year, I had no inspiration whatsoever on how or what I would be doing to celebrate this special day I delivered Lily. All I knew is that I desperately wanted her to be remembered and for her life to be celebrated. Isn't it any bereaved parent's wish? But reflecting on this, I think my fear really was that if I didn't say anything, and if it turned out that no one would say anything either, people would assume I was done grieving, that I was over "it"...that there was no need to speak her name anymore. Yes, I have healed a lot but I want Lily's memory in my daily life. A happy and blessed memory. It makes me feel like this was not all for nothing. The love we gave her while she was here was real and will always be and it was worth it.The only thing I was sure about was that we were going to have cake (or cupcakes). I had made it a tradition the past years to make a banana cake and decorate it, including a Bible verse on it that brought me comfort or inspired me. This year, once again, I was at loss.Slowly, I decided I would do simple ladybug cupcakes. I had done a 3d ladybug cake for Lacey's 3rd birthday so I thought it could be cute. I chose to do a completely new recipe: a Banana-Lemon cake. I Googled it as I always do and surprisingly, I did not find too many of those recipes! People who know me well, know that I usually like simple recipes and this is what I picked. I decided I would try to get better at decorating cupcakes and try a new recipe, so I did!I like to write the reference of a meaningful Bible verse on the cake for this occasion. I still had no Bible verse. Had I not read enough lately, was my attention deficient? So once again, thanks to Google, I found these pretty images on Etsy.

The next morning, I woke up to the idea of the Facebook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/879327415464788/ ) where I could remember other children as well as celebrating Lily's life! The support and love I have received from the babyloss community and from my family and friends is really amazing!I have decided not long after Lily died that I would capture our life without her, grieving, remembering, celebrating. The first photos I took were not easy to take. It felt like jumping off a cliff. Then, I realized I found comfort and healing in taking pictures of her name or of things that reminded me of her and how big and loving was my God through it all. So here are the captures of the days surrounding today.

We grilled sausages for supper. My 2 older boy started the fire! An easy and effortless meal for me, just what I need on hard, emotional days...

I baked and started forming the ladybugs made of fondant that I would put on the cupcakes a couple days before her actual birth date.

The finished product!

The actual taste of this banana-lemon recipe was interesting...I don't think it would please everyone but those who like lemon (a lot) would probably like it!

Here are the links to the recipes. I actually combined 2 recipe because I wanted lemon IN my batter and not only in the icing.

Banana Lemon Layer Cake, I used that recipe and modified it by adding the lemon juice & zest and replacing part of the milk by it. I made cupcakes with it and an actual layered cake.

On the morning of Lily's birth day, I woke up to the idea of the Facebook event where I could remember other children as well as celebrating Lily's life! The support and love I have received from the babyloss community and from my family and friends is really amazing!

I asked for pictures of ladybugs (live ones, images in books, stuffed animal ladybug...anything!) and I offered to write the names of other babies in heaven so they could be remembered too.

I would have written hundreds of them if I would have been asked to...

I loved receiving ladybug pictures as they were tangible images that friends and family took a moment to show me that Lily was not forgotten and that her short life was worth remembering!

I also received surprise wishes from friends who posted lily flower images on my wall! How thoughtful and precious of them! Lily flowers are so beautiful, so sweet and so symbolic for me!

And more photos I took...

So, this day has come and gone now...my mother heart is filled with sweet peace knowing that her short life was celebrated like every life, no matter how brief deserves to be!