This Month In The Lady Mags: Marriage, Marriage, Marriage!

Not sure if you want to spend $3.99 on this month’s Vogue? Don’t worry, we’ve got Wendy Felton, Editor of GlossedOver.com, here to tell you exactly what’s up on the sex, love, and relationships front in each month’s crop of lady mags.

It’s wedding season! Women’s magazines have put the focus on marriage this month, bursting with altar-centric advice—from dating him to divorcing him. Here’s the lowdown:

Not sure if he’s the one? Cosmopolitan‘s June issue devotes four pages to an illustrated lesson on snooping. A pair of panties means danger, “unless they’re his size,” but a platinum credit card? “Bingo!” Cosmo also spills the beans on what he’s thinking about now (beer), what he wants to hear in bed (“Wow! Where’d you learn that?”), and the location of his g-spot (exactly where you think it is). Also of note is “What They Crave at Every Age.” If he says he’s too young to be wed, don’t hold your breath. According to Cosmo‘s handy age-based breakdown, men aren’t ready to get married until…well, ever.

Self offers a smidgen of good news: sex dreams are only metaphors, and kissing burns 11 calories in 10 minutes and fights tooth decay. Then the magazine commissions a marriage therapist to deconstruct one couple’s squabble over child care. The doc’s advice: Use “I” statements and keep your barbs situation-specific. No matter how well you fight, the prognosis for your marriage may not be good. “Will Your Love Last?” is an excruciatingly long three-page quiz to help you spot red flags.

Speaking of relationship red flags, Elle‘s cover warns “Don’t Get Spitzered.” No one’s happy in this collection of essays grappling with marital infidelity, with the possible exception of one writer, a former Craigslist call girl who discusses her experiences. There’s also a chilling report on New York’s divorce laws, which allow the dissolution of marriages in only four limited circumstances. Get ready to prove “cruel and inhuman” treatment in court!

The outlook for couples doesn’t get any sunnier in Marie Claire‘s “Love and Sex” section, which specializes in true confessions. One guy divulges his addiction to online dating; a mom reveals the marital discord that led to her affair with another woman; and a single woman pops a Xanax on the first date at the behest of her suitor. Apparently, anti-anxiety pills are the “thinking man’s date rape drug.” Need more cheering up? Read on! There’s the true story of a woman who unknowingly married a terrorist, and a six-page section on dealing with summer’s surfeit of weddings. What you need to know for June: re-gifting is fine, carry safety pins, and, hooking up with groomsmen is not recommended.

Allure also has weddings on the brain, serving up a think piece about what to wear when getting married for the second time. Lesson learned: wear a bra under that white wedding dress. As for other things adult women should already know, don’t ask your partner whether you look fat. Studies show that you’ll be angry when he urges you to head for the gym. (They needed a study to figure that out?) Pregnant newlywed celeb du jour Jessica Alba tells the mag that performing in The Vagina Monologues made her comfortable with her sexuality, and says “I never believed women had to be virgins when they got married, or that a woman has to fall in love with a guy just because they’re having sex. I don’t think sex is a big deal.”

Sex may not be a big deal, but getting married certainly is! Vogue and W feature plenty of expensive baubles for the bride. Carrie Bradshaw, the single girl who spawned a million imitators, is all over Vogue, as the magazine covers the filming of a photo shoot scene for the Sex and the City-movie version ofVogue, which features Carrie as a 40-year-old bride. Got all that? They also suggest $645 Manolo Blahniks and a $950 leather ring box for the “unconventional” (read: unconventionally and ridiculously wealthy) newlywed, while W‘s “Bridal Flash” prefers colored gowns and off-the-rack Marchesa dresses “suitable for the woman who marries on impulse and for the last-minute shopper.” Oh, her.

Impulsive brides? Who can be impulsive when there’s so much to buy before getting married? That is, if any woman is still willing to walk down the aisle after reading all the melancholy tales of marriage in this month’s magazines.

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