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Tuesday, 25 November 2008

"Hey! Joe, come try some cake!"Reluctantly, Joe walked over to my table and picked up a slice of cake."Well, this looks surprisingly good actually. Better than the goose bread anyway. "Is it carrot cake?" He asked, taking a large bite."Yea," I replied. Seeing his pained expression, i added, "and broken glass. Zingy, eh?"

Monday, 24 November 2008

God, I thought, this apple juice is shit. I took another mouthful - good thing I was thirsty. Norman entered the room from the living-room."Seen my urine sample?" he asked.Slowly, i put down the cup, and using my free hand, pointed to the nearby counter where Norman had put his urine sample.

This story could have gone two ways, and neither of them are funny. I imagine I should use this to illustrate a philosophical point, but I won't. So there.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Thursday, 13 November 2008

A Vaguely threatening advert just popped up telling me to say "goodbye U.K., hello Canada!". It told me to go and start a new life, and i think there may be dire consequences if I don't. Good luck everyone, have a nice life!

Mary checked the blinds. It was no good, it was still out there, watching her.Slowly, she crept to the phone, but the wires had been cut. In a typical, cliched manner, her mobile battery had died five minutes ago. There was only one thing for it, she would have to make a run for it. If she was lucky, she could make it to one of the farm vehicles - the jeep was nearby, and she had the keys. Then, she could escape and find help in the village. But deep in her heart, she knew it would be no good - everywhere she went, it was sure to go.

She ran. Fleece white as snow, the lamb burst from the shrubbery and gave chase. She knew she couldn't escape, it would follow her anywhere - even school!

"Hey dear, could you take out the bin?" my fictitious wife called from the living room. With a sigh, I rose from the sofa. Thank God for the pause feature on Sky+, or I'd be missing Jeremy Kyle. Bastard that he is. I headed towards the kitchen, stopping on the way to pick up my shotgun.By the time I got back from dumping the remains in the river, my wife and all her belongings had vanished. That's 3 now...

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Knock knock, went the door. Ha, thought you'd gotten rid of this didn't you!"who's there?""Adolf""Adolf who?""Hitler. I hope there aren't any Jews in there!"It had been bad enough when the KKK visited last week, and lets not even get started on the offensive things the mailman said about homosexuals. I seem to live in a very bigoted and fictitious neighbourhood.

The water was too cold, and there was little else to do. A bird was singing a bad rendition of Britney Spears "Toxic" in the distance, and an few fish were jumping and such. Turning away from the river, Norman reached into his pocket:"Bet you a fiver I can eat myself.""Yea, go on then." I repliedWith a horrible squelching noise, he dislocated his jaw and stretched it over his face. Slowly, he chewed away at his head, until he collapsed, his face a bloody mess.He hadn't even managed to eat a quarter of his body, so i took the £5 and left. I hope he practises some more.

Sunday, 9 November 2008

"Hey, any spare change?"I looked sadly at the tramp accosting me from the street. I felt sorry for him - he looked like Santa would if he had a bad few months - so i reached into my pocket and threw him a few pounds."Thanks!" He replied, "Now I'll grant you three wishes.""Really?" I asked."Yea, sure." He replied, "As long as you want chlamydia."

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Herbert, spotting the muffin sitting tantalizingly on the table, started to walk across the room. The banana skin, positioned perfectly in the middle of the floor, chuckled gleefully to itself - fortunately, Herbert was pretty deaf, and it wasn't a loud chuckle. One shuffling step at a time, he moved closer...closer...closer. He was so close the banana could almost reach out and touch him... He took another step, his foot rising, hovering inches above the fruity peel... it came down... slowly... the banana, practically orgasmic with excitement, prepared for the kill...Suddenly, two men in ski masks burst in to the room, shooting both Herbert and the banana, and stole the muffin.

Friday, 7 November 2008

A cold wind blew in, rushing around my body and freezing my exterior body-parts. I looked around again, at the dead trees that offered little shelter against the onset of a malicious and bitter wind. Siberia: Cold, barren and cliched."We should keep moving," Ben muttered nearby"Aye," I replied, "Probably..."So we starting moving again. In the distance, a wolf howled sadly.

"Did i tell you i had a dream you were eaten by wolves?""Yes." Said I, "often in fact. It doesn't improve the situation."

We had been on the run for days now, always one step ahead of the ferocious creatures that chased us, for now. I didn't know how we'd gotten into this situation, but it seemed a good excuse for not blogging. Ben blamed Lizzie and Karen, but he always did, so that didn't help.

I watched the last embers of the fire go down, a few last sparks shooting into the sky as the former Leviathan died. I knew what was behind me before i heard the tell-tale twig snapping, and i turned to look into the ferocious maw the great beast that had been tracking us. Ben was moving over, reaching slowly for a rock. Unfortunately, the beast leaped, its claws cutting a deep gash into his chest. It turned, ready to finish me off, but stepped into the ash of the fire, dislodging burned out logs and sending fresh sparks into its face. Scared, the creature turned tail and fled. But it was too late for Ben.

He lay there, cradled in my arms. With a haggard sigh, he uttered his last words:"Macs are good", then died. I buried him nearby, and went home. It was too cold in Siberia anyway.

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Sayith "Rachel" in an e-mail to me. Unfortunately, it's just spam. I was kinda hoping to be drawn into an international conspiracy and such, with glamorous women and deadly vegetable patches. Meh, i should probably take my medication more often...

Is to become an evil, Victorian-style landlord. I plan to grow a large, threatening moustache and throw families out onto the street for being a ha'penny short on their rent. I plan to replace sound with fast-paced organ music, and write everything down on large slides, to make the whole experience more old-school. If you don't pay, I'll tie you to a railway line (Could that derail a train? Hmm... I'd be so evil I wouldn't care anyway.)So, if you're looking for a place to stay, apply now!Unless you're Jewish. Actually, they're good with money.No blacks!Ah, mindless racism...