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Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Adventures of Lispy Gay #3

I am doing a little experiment. Today is day three in a four day serial of Lispy Gay. Hopefully, at the end of each post, you will be so filled with anticipation that you will hardly be able to wait until the next installment to find out what happens. I just thought it would be fun. Or maybe it will suck. We shall see. You can read installment #1 here. And installment #2 here. Your comments are appreciated.

Standing on the doorstep, with eyes red from crying, was a woman that Lispy Gay knew too well. In fact, he had just been thinking of her. "Oh Lispy," she said. "I think my husband Sam, your Choking Chicken boss, is having an affair and I don't know what to do." In shock, Lispy Gay replied, "What in heaventh name makesth you think that Prithilla?" Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that his dog was resting his head on a pile of fabric that was going to be the hills of Christmas Village. It seemed like ages ago that this day was all about making the biggest and best Christmas extravaganza ever and now it had become a soap opera. "Last night, Sam was talking in his sleep and he said something." Lispy looked back at the woman and invited her inside. Priscilla continued. "He said "You do that better than my wife does, Steven.' Who the hell is Steven??" Lispy tried to decide how to respond and also tried to figure out why Priscilla was there. They had only met a few times and he never thought she liked him very much. "Gee, I dunno," he said. "Do you want some homemade macaroons?" She stuffed three of them into her tiny mouth and said, "You're probably wondering why I came to you with this problem. Well, it sounds to me like Sam was dreaming about another man and if anyone knows about dreaming about men, I figured it would be you. I mean, right?" "What maketh you thay that?" asked Lispy Gay as he crossed his arms and pursed his lips while straightening the hem of his negligee. "Oh, well, I dunno...I..I just thought that..." Her voice trailed off as she looked at the pile of Department 56 spread across the floor. "I guess, I just assumed that you're gay. You do have a miniature schnauzer."

At this point, Lispy Gay had had just about enough. He had only been awake for a little over an hour and his favorite day of the year had been ruined. He had been fired, gotten his job by blackmailing his in-the-closet boss and now this woman was here assuming that she knew all about his sexual orientation. "Now you lithen here, mithy. I may like pink and thatin sheets and occaithionally lithen to Barbra Sthreithand but that doth not mean I am gay. Juth becauth I buy KY Jelly by the gallon and I have a dog named Tranny Thore Ath Rex doth not mean you can come here and athk me questionsth about your thupposedly and pothibly gay huthband." Priscilla sat up straight in her chair. "I apologize, Lispy Gay. It was wrong of me to assume. So are you straight then?" Lispy took a long sip of his chamomile tea and said, "No, I'm ath gay ath a gooth. You juth hit a nerve, thath all. Tho what about Tham? Ith that what you were crying about?"

"Actually, no. If he's gay. I'm glad. I have wanted out of this marriage for ten years. Those were tears of joy. So do you think he's cheating on me with someone named Steven?"

Just as Lispy was about to vocalize his opinion on the whole scenario, the telephone rang. He skipped over to the pink princess phone and picked it up. "Lithby Gay rethidence." There was a pause on the other end of the line and then a clearing of the throat. "Hello? Ith thomeone there?" Another pause. And then, "Mi nombre es Stefano. I want to talk to you."

Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of the adventures of Lispy Gay! And maybe you want to Tweet this too?

Alright you can not stop at 4, I repeat you CAN NOT! You are going to have to make this a regular addition to your blog. You can take a few extra min. to tell us what has happened each day in Lipsy life! Please!