Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Dobson's controversial use of 'ruitcake'

Dr. James Dobson, sensing his window of relevancy quickly closing, gave young whipper-snapper Barack Obama a strong tongue lashing for "distorting the Bible." The focus of Dobson's complaint was a 2006 speech given by Obama to liberal clergy where the senator attempted to point out the difficulties in legislating through religion, noting the various factions found in religion.

"Even if we did have only Christians in our midst, if we expelled every non-Christian from the United States of America, whose Christianity would we teach in the schools?" Mr. Obama asked. "Would we go with James Dobson's or Al Sharpton's?"

"There is no equivalence to us," Dobson opined. "Unlike Mr. Sharpton, I am not a Reverend. I am not a minister. I am not a theologian. I am not an Evangelist. I am a psychologist."

"Frankly, I don't like his tone," Dobson added. "Kids these days, with their loud musics, their Nintendos and their internets... I just don't understand it. Kids used to be seen and not heard. Now we have all this!"

"Which passages of Scripture should guide our public policy," Mr. Obama asked in the two-year old speech. "Should we go with Leviticus, which suggests slavery is OK and that eating shellfish is abomination? How about Deuteronomy, which suggests stoning your child if he strays from the faith? Or should we just stick to the Sermon on the Mount - a passage that is so radical that it's doubtful that our own Defense Department would survive its application?"

"He says we ought to read the bible, I think he ought to read the Bible," Dr. Dobson said, noting Mr. Obama was mistaken in his interpretation of Deuteronomy. "Why can't he leave Deuteronomy out of it? He was such a wonderful fat tabby, and would never hurt a fly. Why he used to sit on my radiator and sun himself for hours..."

When asked what he meant by this Dobson said, "Fetch me my pills, will ya? Help an old man out and I've a quarter with your name on it."

"In my day we didn't deliberately distort traditional Biblical understanding," Dobson droned on. "We respected our elders and their traditions. By gum, if we didn't do that an elder would take us behind the woodshed and give us a real lesson. Grover Cleveland once gave me a lesson on two non consecutive occasions."

Finally Dobson called Obama's interpretation of the constitution "fruitcake."

"That's right, I said 'fruitcake'!" Dobson repeated. "Yes, and now run back to your editors. If that language is too strong I'll tell you what I really think! Return to me in two days time with a glass of warm milk, will you?"

"Dr. Dobson's use of the word 'fruitcake' was carefully considered," said Tom Minnery, senior vice president for government and public policy at Focus on the Family. "We bandied a few strong adjectives about. You know, the usual suspects: 'bananas', 'bonkers', 'crackpot', 'cuckoo','daffy', 'gaga', 'hair brained'... ultimately we chose 'fruitcake' which is on one hand a nod to all the old ladies who faithfully read our newsletter, and also to let young Mr. Obama know that these old people always turn up to vote. We mean business."

"What? Are you serious?" Obama spokesman Joshua DuBois said in a reply. "I'd hate to think that we've upset a man of Dobson's stature. We'd be happy to meet and talk it all out over a bowl of hard candy. And we apologize for digging up his tomato garden."