This may be slightly outside the normal birth topic parameter but maybe not... *m

Archived User

This may be slightly outside the normal birth topic parameter but maybe not... *m

July 6, 2005 11:06 AM

In working with my previously mentioned client, I've been trying to
come up with resources for her -- books, etc. to read that deal
with processing her previous birth experience (particularly in
light of her being PG again so that the impact of her previous
experience on this upcoming one is not a negative one). I haven't
found much so far.

Then yesterday, I received an email from a member of a group I used
to be the leader of, and she was asking for information or
suggestions on dealing with her lingering sadness over the loss of
her dream of a normal birth. I met her when she was pregnant with
her second child, so I am not sure what her first birth was like.
Her second involved an OB who cut an insane episiotomy and it
extended, and then did a botched repair. She had painful sex and
some other issues from the rectal tear for a LONG time until
finally she had to see another doctor and have the repair repaired.
Things were still not "fixed" then but were much better. Anyway,
the second birth was a really awful experience, that lingered on
for about two years in its effects.

Fast forward a year after that, she was expecting again and was so
glad to get a chance to have a different birth. She was "doing
everything she could" - she chose midwives so that she could have
the midwifery model of care, read your book, Henci- she was
interviewing doulas, etc.

Then she realized that the baby wasn't moving one day- listened to
her instincts, which saved the baby's life. Her daughter has heart
problems and they thought she was going to die. (I believe my
friend was ~28 weeks at the point that she realized there was a
problem.) She spent a lot of time in various hospitals for the rest
of her pregnancy, trying to walk the delicate balance of giving
enough heart medicine that the baby would receive and be able to to
survive, while not causing damage to my friend, whose heart was
fine. It was quite touch-and-go and a stressful couple of months.
Eventually, no matter how much tinkering with the dosages that they
did, they couldn't give my friend enough of the drug for what the
baby needed without the effects on my friend being too toxic, and
it truly did become a case of the baby being safer out rather than
in, and she ended up born by cesarean prematurely but much less
prematurely than she almost was.

My friend did her research, feels good about her decisions and
grateful that her daughter is alive and doing pretty well with a
pacemaker- she is quite delayed so far but cute as a button and
such a joy to their family. They hope that she lives a long life,
although I believe she is still at some risk of not living to
adulthood due to a variety of problems. Still, for today she is
doing well, and they have learned to appreciate each day as it
comes and not borrow trouble. They have plenty to deal with on a
daily basis without looking for more!

But even so- the cesarean of a preemie was not the healing
experience that my friend was hoping for and working for, and she
is still mourning it (even as she rejoices at her daughter's life
and considers the sacrifices to have been well worth making, etc.)
and people basically telling her she shouldn't be doing so, that
she should just be grateful she has her daughter (which of course
she IS) and that she's ungrateful to be anything other than
happy... and that c/s is no big deal... etc. isn't helping. Instead
it makes her feel guilty that she still feels kind of cheated of
her chance to try again.

For my VBAC client, I am thinking about having her read Mother's
Intention, and see if kind of the tone of that book might help her
feel more empowered and less helpless... though I don't know that
it will help with her fears that the doctors are right and her body
IS defective and unable to give birth... but for my friend, I don't
know what to suggest for her. She doesn't have regrets about her
choices- only about the loss of what she had to give up to save her
baby. She considers it worthwhile and yet...

So it seems to me that maybe this is a big unmet need, with the
climate of birth there is in our country right now. There must be
many more women than only these two in my circle, who are dealing
with the grief and pain of not getting to have a normal birth when
they so urgently desire one. Is there anything out there for women
to read, to help come to terms with the loss of their dream of
having a normal birth? Or classes to take? I want to help them- and
yet, I'm not a psychologist, and I don't know where to point them
to begin their journeys toward emotional healing...

Sorry if this is off-topic...
Delilah

By: delilahdr1

Archived User

This may be slightly outside the normal birth topic parameter but maybe not... *m

It certainly isn't off topic, but it isn't my area of expertise.
However, I cut and pasted your post into an e-mail to a friend who
is a marriage and family therapist specializing in perinatal mental
health. I asked her to suggest some resources.

-- Henci By: Henci Goer

Archived User

This may be slightly outside the normal birth topic parameter but maybe not... *m

Hi Delilah:
This story is heartbreaking on so many levels. It is often true
that by listening and *truly* hearing this lovely woman's distress,
you are providing a salve toward healing. Too frequently, we are
shamed into believing that we are ungrateful if we admit to
"negative" feelings, and that love and sadness are somehow mutually
exclusive. She is so blessed to know you!
In my practice, I am often with women who have had dramatic and
traumatic experiences. Trauma is possible whenever a person
experiences fear, horror, or revulsion. No one else needs to
objectively validate that experience: the experience is in the eye
of the beholder. Certainly finding onself in the hospital, hanging
on moment by moment for your unborn child's life, not knowing all
the while if your own healthy is also in jeopardy, can be
horrifying to say the least. Understanding the grief involved in
this trauma, and working through the adjustment from expectations
to current reality is important. A very fine book in this regard is
*Shattered Assumptions* by Janoff-Bulman.
When working through the trauma itself, I often use "EMDR" as a
tool for healing. A good book on that particular form of help is
*Transforming Trauma: EMDR* by Parnell.
Looking at the possibility of a residual experience of either
depression, anxiety, or PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), two
very good books spring to mind: *The Hidden Feelings of Motherood*
by Kendall-Tackett, and *Rebounding from Childbirth* by Madsen.
Each has a section on stress and dealing with the unexpected.
An excellent organization supporting women who have experienced
birth-related trauma is hosted by the organization called "TABS"
(Trauma and Birth Stress) out of New Zealand. Their site can be
found at http://www.tabs.org.nz/home.htm. In the US and Canada, an
organization called "Postpartum Support International" (PSI) can be
found at http://www.postpartum.net. On the PSI site, you can find a
list of mental health therapists trained to support women in the
perinatal period, as well as list of support groups by region.
Not all therapists are equipped to work with trauma, and that would
certainly be a screening question I would ask before making an
appointment. My experience is that this type of therapy is relative
short term (as little as 2-3 sessions! and commonly around 5-6 if
the therapist is well trained and experienced, and the subject of
counseling is confined to the perinatal experience). When you do
locate the appropriate support, relief is often very rapid in
coming.
I wish you and this mom all the very best, and hope for a peaceful
resolution to her experience. It sounds like you are a very active
resource for your local area. What a gift you must be to the
mothers you meet. Now go solicit a hug - you've earned it!
Best regards,
Sharon Storton
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Campbell, California By: Sharon Storton

Archived User

This may be slightly outside the normal birth topic parameter but maybe not... *m

Thank you so much for your reply and suggestions. I sent the list
to my friend, and she really appreciated it- she was heading for
the library this weekend to find some of the books. I am going to
meet with my VBAC client next week to discuss what she wants from
her next birth and how to interview care providers with an eye to
"does this care provider offer what I want". I will keep you guys
posted!
Delilah By: delilahdr1

Archived User

RE: This may be slightly outside the normal birth topic parameter but maybe not... *m