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Miss Connections, Round Quatro

When I started writing these articles, months ago, I had a conversation with my friend Ben about the purpose of MCs. I told him a lot of MCs are for people who know each other in real life, they just don’t know how to contact each other, or, more likely, don’t know how to express their feelings IRL.

“That’s stupid,” he said. “I thought the point was that these were missed connections, like someone you’ve never seen before and will probably never see again. If you know how to contact them, like you know where they work, for instance, and you could find them if you really wanted to, then it’s not really a missed connection, is it?”

And I agree with him; in its purest form, that is what MC is all about. But, alas, we do not live in a perfect world, and so people often misuse MC, and often to the amusement of onlookers.

This round of Miss Connections is dedicated to some of the most creative abuses of MC I’ve ever seen. Take, for example, this MC, in which the person who should be the Missed becomes the Miss-er:

You were wearing an Orange sweater and a brown cap with glasses with a beard. I was walking my dog after work. We said hello in from of the market on the corner. You followed me down the street after that. You whistled, and then followed me down another street until I left you at the corner.

You seem like a nice enough guy, next time say something more than hello instead of following me down the street. 🙂

If you reply to this, let me know what kind of dog I had.

And you thought that stalking someone was a turn-off! I guess you’re just a prude when it comes to foreplay (read: personal safety). Based on this interaction, it sounds like the writer of this MC finds sexual harassment, such as whistling at a stranger and then following him down multiple streets, to make you a “nice enough guy.” And if he’s hot, then what’s the foul? He should be called a sexy harasser, amirite?

The only problem with this MC—I mean, besides justifying sexual harassment—is that it makes the poster creepier than the postee. If I were Beardo Stalker, I would be horrified by this posting. Also, it really takes away a lot of the power I felt over this guy when I followed him for several city blocks, so I guess I’m just not really that into him anymore.

The next MC is a clear case of someone who has a much more direct way to contact their postee, but, for some reason, decided to leave this actually important communique to chance and the public eye:

To my Mistress (Boston)

I’m very sorry, I have to let you go. I really enjoyed our time together. You made me feel very good, when I needed you most. My family is very important to me. My kids would disown me if they found out what a scoundrel I really am. Remember, I bought you a lot of presents and sent you on some expensive trips. Don’t ever threaten me, that you will tell my wife. It’s in everyone’s best interest that we move on. Thanks, for the memories!

“Listen babe, didn’t you see my Missed Connection? What? Damn, I definitely thought I wouldn’t have to discuss this with you in person…um, so, I don’t know how to say this, but…people frown upon extramarital affairs, especially spouses and children, so…I can’t see you anymore. Oh, and don’t blackmail me, kay? Peace.”

This MC is another example of using Missed Connections in a completely backwards way—which is to say, asking for a Missed Connection:

This is absolutely crazy of me to post on here..have never done this before.. lol.. im literally lmao off as im typing this.. but my friend put me up to it and suggested craigslist, because i may never know if a missed opportunity might come a knockin on here.. lol

I’m going to use this opportunity to comment on the idiocy of the seemingly obligatory disclaimer most MCs have about how ridiculous the premise of writing an MC is. If you didn’t think it might result in a meeting in real life/true love, then you wouldn’t be writing it, and if I didn’t think I might find one for me, I wouldn’t be reading it. Unless, you know, I wrote an analytical column about MC or something, but I don’t think that’s a less ridiculous reason for me to be reading anyone’s post. Moving on…

anyways, i was all around boston & cambridge today running errands ( 05/19 sat )… i never smile when a guy looks at me, and it may make me come off unapproachable..

“I SAID: COME HITHER!”

so a few handsome guys met my eyes throughout the day into night, and i believe they were checking me out..I really need to smile more.. lol so ill just throw a description of myself out there..I am tall, slender, had my hair in a high curly updo/ bun, with some curly pieces hanging down… had on a long striped black and white dress–form fitting, with a short light blue denim jacket, big black purse on my right arm,… if this description sounds familiar, respond back and tell me what ethnicity i was/ or appeared to be, and if i was walking by myself or with someone/group of people, am i someone who wears glasses or no?-.plse answer all of these ques.. i just want to make sure that you actually saw me, and not some desperate person looking to chat up anybody…;)

I’m astounded that she can both identify the exact reason that she’s writing this MC, and then blatantly and hypocritically claim that that’s not who she wants to respond. She doesn’t even care who answers it enough to give a description of any of the men she is maybe thinking of. The only response she will, and should, get is from someone who will write, “Yeah girl I saw you in your dress with your hair and your purse. You’re hot. I was the guy with a short haircut and huge biceps and I look vaguely ethnic. Let’s get freaky.”

damn i typed way more than i thought i was going to.. cant believe im doing this.. lol

Yeah, it’s funny how many details you can remember when you’re writing a description…of yourself. This is so self-involved that, even if I did see this woman, and was one of the many attractive men whom she scowled at whilst cavorting about the city, I wouldn’t respond.

The following MC, however, really challenged my powers of self-restraint, because, even though it is definitely not for me, I so wanted it to be:

Girl, you’re just my type. We should probably make out — repeatedly. If that old creeper across the aisle hadn’t been hitting on you so hard, I just might have made a move myself. He had about 30 years on you (or me, for that matter), as well as an apparent case of emphysema. You were visibly uncomfortable, but he wasn’t being actively threatening so intervening seemed like a needless way to make the guy probably boil over. In any case, it wasn’t the best time to break out my charm, so I held back. Bummer, on all accounts.

Tell me what Grampa No-Chance asked you on your way off the train so I know it’s you, and I’ll take you to the arboretum and teach you how to identify different trees. It’d be super romantic, I swear. How can you turn down a nature date where we spend half our time totally nerding out and half our time totally making out?

Shamelessly adorable. Oh, how I hope she took you up on that wooded make-out session.