Heading into the stretch run you are either on the playoff bus or it turned you into roadkill three weeks ago. Somebody get a shovel, please. Imagine the playoff bus looking like the Partridge Family multi-colored ride, fantasy baseball is our family band and I’m your David Cassidy. I think I love you and we’re about to win you your fantasy league. If you lost Carlos Gonzalezor own a hurtin’ Miggy, let your humble Guru find you some late season power. Need some steals, some saves? Let the man in the shiny turban lead you to cheap SAGNOF. Still searching for solid starting pitching? Follow your Goo as we consult the oracle known as the SON. Just don’t interrupt his “private time” with my Roomba. The playoffs are coming, bragging rights are on the line and there’s room on the bus. Just don’t sit next to Danny Bonaduce and keep your filthy paws off Susan Dey. She’s mine! It’s time to jam it or cram it.

The Gist: When the South Main Baptist Church in Houston heard that the Astros had traded Bud Norris for a bunch of Hoes, they immediately set upon Minute Maid Park with bibles and snakes in hand. How disappointed they must have been to discover that the Hoes in question was just a skinny outfielder hitting .283.

Key Stat: The Hoes be stealin’. He’s nabbed seven bags in 27 games.

X-File: Over the last three weeks, Hoes ranks 13th among outfielders in Fantasy points.

Jam it or Cram it: Hoes has no power, not a lot of RBI potential, but could give you a SAGNOF boost during the playoff push. Pool any waiver cash you have left and stuff it into Hoes rainbow-colored thong. JAM

The Gist: Dubbed “Little Miggy” by Baseball America, Garcia has hit .360 with a couple of homers, 10 RBI, and 11 runs scored since landing on Chicago’s South Side in the Jake Peavy trade. Did they dub anyone “Little Iggy” in that trade? Probably not.

Key Stat: Garcia was tearing it up at Triple-A before the trade with a .376 average, six homers, 27 RBI, 32 runs, six steals, a .419 on-base percentage and .555 slugging percentage in 47 games.

X-File: Garcia has hit safely in 15 of his last 16 games. His BABIP is at .377.

Jam it or Cram it: Garcia is just the kind of hot bat that will help down the stretch and keeper league owners should stash him away for 2014. Grab some Avisail and apply liberally to your irritated fantasy rosters. It’ll relieve any stat itch that’s ailing you. JAM

The Gist: CC has popped up in our jammer crammer a few times this season. Usually, I talk about his power potential then make an X-Files joke about the truth being out there. Today I will just ask why you don’t own a player with 27 homers and 77 RBI?

Key Stat: Oh, it’s because Carter is hitting .217.

X-File: The truth is Carter’s average will be a non-factor on your team the rest of the way.

Jam it or Cram it: If you’re hurting for power after losing Jose Bautista or Carlos Gonzalez, head down to your local waiver wire office and pick up some CC. He could go all Brandon Moss and hit 5 homers in a week. JAM

The Gist: Prospect and SAGNOF lovers rejoice, Hamilton will be called up to the Reds on Monday. This is great news if you’re a steals seeker. Hamilton truly has off-the-charts speed with 75 stolen bases in 90 attempts. The problem is whether or not he’ll get regular playing time or will just shine Dusty’s shoes.

X-File: B-Ham will probably just be a pinch running option over the next week or so.

Jam it or Cram it: Hamilton will be the latest prospect to get a call up, be among the most added, then sit on the bench. I’m having a Xander Bogaerts flashback. But B-Ham is so tempting. He’s hit .256/.308/.344 with 18 doubles, four triples, six homers, 41 RBI, 74 runs and 75 steals this season. I just can’t resist. JAM

The Gist: If your fake baseball team has resorted to daily streaming, Duffy’s matchup against the Mariners on Monday is a must add. In his first 16 1/3 innings, Duffy has two wins, allowed just two runs while posting a 17/5 K/BB ratio.

Key Stat: Like strikeouts? Duffy’s K/BB in 69 innings in the minors was 87/30.

X-File: Duffy is just a year removed from Tommy John surgery.

Jam it or Cram it: Duffy is worth a stream for those fighting for wins and K’s. His WHIP won’t help you much and SON is lukewarm on him for Monday, but I need strikeouts. SON get off my X-Box! JAM

X-File: While Hawkins is 5 of 6 in save chances, the Mets may elect to try some young blood in the closers role.

Jam it or Cram it: Hawkins is available to the truly desperate SAGNOF’ers, but his finest attribute is his willingness to use his nether regions for a 60 win team. CRAM

That, my friends, is an athletic supporter.

While you’re getting your rosters set for the playoff push, set your sights also on the fine folks over at DraftKings. Next weeks Razzball/DraftKings contest will be the last one of the year. Get in on the action. 50 spots, $10-per entry, six tasty payouts with first place pulling in a cool $300.

Thanks for riding the Razzball bus. The Goo is available for all your jammer crammer questions. Follow The Guru on Twitter@TheGuruGS for the daily jam or cram, fantasy roster 411’s and other gooey shenanigans

Will xander bogaerts have much fantasy value by the end of the regular season? I have him in both of my fantasy baseball leagues and only really need him in one. I currently only own him because he is a member of the sox. Lay your wisdom apon me, oh guru!

@The Thumb: Yeah, the same happened to me. That horrific outing from Wood today, right after I got good old fashioned Cleveland Streamers from Marco Estrada and Doug Fister earlier in the week.

In addition to Duffy, you might consider Salazar’s next start against the Mets if he’s available. I’m also have my eye on any A’s pitching at home vs Houston this week–Gray, Griffin, Straily. And Haren’s next start is vs MIA….then again so was Wood’s today…

Hey, I missed one show early in the season due to a mix up. Not sure why there’s no love for the Goo…or Tehol…or Smokey…or Terse. The Razzball podcast is one of the good ones,though and Nicks a cool guy, good at what he does.

@The Guru: Ha, I was just messing with ya. It’s too bad the podcast couldn’t be an hour long. They could fit more of you guys in. Obviously you guys are doing all of this for free, so it’s understandable why you’re limited. The podcast is definitely the highlight of my day when I get to listen to it.

@The Guru: Yes sir, I enjoy myself some fantasy football for sure. I’m in an RCL league with frequent commenter Prezi actually.

I’m looking forward to the J or C for football.

For a preview, are you jamming or cramming Jonathan Franklin this year? I drafted him near the end of one of my drafts and it is sounding like he isn’t impressing so far. I don’t really have anyone to pick up, so I’m going to hold for now. He’s probably the first to go though once this years Kevin Ogletree appears :)

Would you drop Dempster for Duffy ROS in 14 team mixed league 5×5 roto? In a tuesday to tuesday league, would you start either this week ahead of lincecum, Vargas, colon, porcello or redmond? In second place, killing it on hitting but suffering on pitching …

Why I like this game…
As of this morning I was down 9-3 in my $$$ H2H playoff battle and all but dead. I needed a miracle: something like three QS and 24 Ks from four streamers plus Greinke, and from my hitters merely a .444 average, a 1.500 OPS, and at least one bonehead move on the part of my hubris-infused opponent.
I got all the above, including him leaving Shields on the bench today.
Still, it came down to the 9th inning of the last game. Zimmerman only hitting fifth in the inning.. If he gets a single, I take the lead in avg by .002, and win 6-5-1, provided it’s his last AB. If he even gets up.
He gets an infield single. Scores the winning run. Mets go down meekly.
I am now the chairman of the Central Oregon Coast chapter of the Ryan Zimmerman Fan club.
And very happy the Mets have a crap closer.