Clarity versus elusion

Recently, I have been putting in extra effort and time for self-study. For example, making it a goal to write blog posts more often in order to articulate my monkey mind beyond my daily journal. In the depth of my studies, I am expanding my knowledge of my personal power and the energetic qualities I have yet to utilize within. It sparks a curiosity that is empowering and meaningful. It is the kind of connection that I longed to feel year after year. Now I am beginning to desire spontaneous, flirtatious interactions with life rather than rigid, pre-outlined order of events. I am gaining self-acceptance and respect which is such a lovely change from the programmed demeaning messages typically stuck on repeat.

This energetic alignment is igniting the gift of clarity, using my intuition more than my brain power. I started to get confident in this new sense of self and fluid flexibility with the world around me. As I got confident, my future desires became outlined. And there I went, immediately back into subconscious “go-mode” to rearrange my life
back into an order of predetermined events so I could produce the future my mind sees. In the heart of creating lists and plotting action steps, I stopped. I stopped
to feel my heart. I knew I had to question my rapid movements. The movements that propel me, yet again, into the same paradigm of authoritative control over my life. The paradigm that would ultimately crush my confident, empowered, soul-searching, curious and provocative shift.

I stopped and I could see the elusion masking clarity. My newfound ‘clarity’ was indeed me attempting to run from the barriers that I most fear breaking down. The work I really need to do. In thinking that I was gaining clarity and needed to act, I was falsifying the truth that I needed to sit in the sticky struggle. It was an elusion that would keep me trapped in functioning in my state where I most want to break the boundaries. So I learned. I learned that by choosing to sit in the struggle accompanied by the clarity of my energetic potential provides the transparency I need. It reveals the root of my deepest fears and real issues that can percolate to the surface of my awareness. Rather than abandoning myself, my closest allies, and the struggle itself, I am choosing to stay and feel. Speak clearly and slow down. Slow down enough to repeat this process until the natural manifestation of life knocks on my heart and whispers what’s next.