Thursday, July 14, 2016

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

"How I Spent My Summer Vacation"

by Donna Troy

Some of my loyal readers have noticed I haven't had a post in a while. By 'some of my loyal readers' I mean my friend, Chris. My loyal readers, or Chris, have been asking where I've been. Back off, already. I took a vacation. Believe it or not, I don't make a living writing this blog. My paying job has given me migraines, mild anxiety and a gastrointestinal disorder. I'm entitled to a vacation even if my boss thinks it's okay to ask me to take my laptop with me on said vacation. Because I'm extremely vital to the company when I'm not there. When I am there, I'm told I should be grateful to have a job. Which is why I can't get a raise. Or a decent health plan to cover the costs of the numerous physical ailments my job has caused. So, I can't miss work because they need me. And I can't get a raise because I'm replaceable. It's a vicious fucking cycle and I needed a goddamn vacation.Fortunately for my loyal readers, or Chris, I watched a lot of news or "news like" programs while I was vacationing. Here now is my recap of the stupid bullshit I learned by watching news and "news like" shows.MSNBC

I have mixed feelings about MSNBC. I really enjoy some of their anchors like Rachel Maddow, Joy Reid and Lawrence O'Donnell. Special shout out to Lawrence O'Donnell. I find his voice especially soothing after Chris Hardball shouts at me for an hour. I was watching Lawrence O'Donnell when the Dallas shootings happened. He covered the story for two hours with his especially soothing voice. Then Brian Williams took over and his voice was especially annoying. Also, to Brian Williams and all the other anchors who deem it necessary to remind us that the Kennedy assassination took place in Dallas, I say, what the fuck has that got to do with the price of rice in China? Everything that happens in Texas isn't somehow connected to the Kennedy assassination. Although, I have to admit I was half expecting Brian Williams to say he was riding in the car when Kennedy was killed.All puns are stupid. I'm not above making stupid puns, but MSNBC has taken bad puns to a whole new level of stupid. When they cover something batshit Trump has done, which is all the time, they use a graphic that reads, "Trumpster Fire." A pun so clever I had to explain to my brother it's a play on the term "dumpster fire."With the conventions less than a week away, there are all kinds of scuttlebutt as to whom Clinton and Trump will pick as their VPs. MSNBC has termed this "Veepstakes." What really pisses me off about the stupidity of "Veepstakes" is that the person who came up with it probably makes more than enough money to pay his or her gastroenterologist. Life's a bitch.Batshit Trump

I'd like to take a moment to congratulate Donald Trump for congratulating himself after the terrible massacre in Orlando. The Donnie felt he deserved his own congratulations for predicting a terrorist attack would happen at some time in some place. It takes a real lack of empathy and a distinct brand of asshole-ish-ness to pat yourself on the back because a hundred people were shot. Congratulations, Donnie.After congratulating himself, Trump explained how that whole tragedy could have easily been avoided. And I quote:

"By the way, if you had some guns in that club the night that this took place, if you had guns on the other side, you wouldn't have had the tragedy that you had. If people in that room had guns with the bullets flying in the opposite direction right at him."

If you're reading this and you don't understand why that's stupid, get the fuck off my blog.Have you ever noticed how Trump defends the Second Amendment, yet doesn't give a shit if rights guaranteed in the other Amendments are infringed upon? Freedom of Religion is guaranteed in the First Amendment. But Trump wants to ban all Muslims from the entering the country. Freedom of the Press is also guaranteed in the First Amendment. But it doesn't count if Trump doesn't like what's published about him. The Trump campaign has revoked the press credentials of The Washington Post, Politico, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, Univision and BuzzFeed. Yeah, you read that right. Fucking BuzzFeed.Following the tragedy in Orlando, the hate-filled Donald Trump wasn't sure who to hate most. The shooter was Muslim and may have been gay. It was a gay club filled with gay people, many of whom were Hispanic. So, The Donnie decided to rely on his old trick of making up shit about President Obama. Donnie blamed Obama for letting the shooter in the country, which is weird because the shooter was born in Queens, NY, which is also the birthplace of @realDonaldTrump. But I guess if we follow Trump's logic, Obama has the Executive Power to deport people born in Queens. People like Donald J. Trump. Yes we can make America great again. Enjoy living in "Afghan," Asshole.Somebody Finally Did Something

Senator Chris Murphy led a fifteen hour filibuster on the Senate floor just to get the Senate to agree to vote on a gun bill. If you're like me, you've probably always thought filibusters were stupid. They never work and they are usually only used by people on the wrong side of history, like Strom Thurmond or Jesse Helms trying to fight integration. (I know one of them filibustered against integration. I don't know which one and I don't feel like looking it up. I mean, it doesn't really matter. Pick a racist.) Shockingly, Chris Murphy's filibuster worked. After fifteen hours the Senate agreed to have a vote on a gun bill. The following week they voted it down. I know Senator Murphy had good intentions, but perhaps he should have been more specific in that he wanted the Senate to vote for the gun bill.The next week Democrats in the House of Representatives staged an historic twenty-five hour sit-in to demand votes on gun bills. They shouted, "No bill, No break!" The House was about to take a break for the Fourth of July holiday and they wanted to get the vote done before the dumber members of the House died in a stupid fireworks accident. The Republican House members went on break anyway. After sitting on the House floor for twenty-five hours, the Democrats decided there was no point in protesting people who weren't around to hear them protest. So they went on break. In all fairness, a lot of them were too old for that shit anyway. When you need help getting up from the floor it's time to admit your sit-in days are over.Brexit

...is a thing that happened in England. Something to do with votes and Europe and stocks fell and I know as much about Brexit as the people who voted for it did.Istanbul

A terrorist attack took place at an airport in Istanbul. Some selfish people immediately worried that it would interfere with their vacation plans. It didn't. The security lines weren't long at all, so I got to the airport early for nothing. I was able to catch up on some reading while I waited for the plane.Clinton Emails

Bill Clinton decided to visit Attorney General Loretta Lynch by boarding her private plane uninvited. This was a most stupid idea because Hillary's whole email debacle hadn't been settled yet. Both Clinton and Lynch said they only talked about their grandchildren and whatnot. Most people, even people who believe it was a stupid move by Clinton, believe that nothing untoward or illegal went down. That didn't stop Trump from claiming just that. With no proof whatsoever, he's claimed Clinton tried to bribe the Attorney General. His reasoning is that no one could talk about their grandchildren for thirty minutes. Trump, himself, states he can't talk about his grandchildren for more than a minute, a minute-and-a-half, tops. It's worth pointing out that Trump can and does talk about himself for lengthy amounts of time often exceeding thirty minutes.At long last, FBI Director James Comey gave a press conference and announced no charges would be pressed against Hillary Clinton. Hurray! All this bullshit's ov– Spoke to soon. Two days later, the Republican-led Senate decided to have an "emergency" hearing. The "emergency" being that the outcome of the FBI investigation didn't fit with their political aspirations. They questioned Director Comey, a lifelong Republican, himself, and no fan of Hillary Clinton, for four-and-a-half hours. They accused this guy of being in cahoots with Democrats and all kinds of other ridiculous shit. Comey very politely told them, "Comey don't play that."

(If you're under forty, you may not get the "Comey don't play that" joke. It's a play on "Homie don't play that." Homie D. Clown is a character played by Daman Wayans on In Living Color. In Living Color is a show that was on TV over twenty years ago. Reading the previous paragraph may have been more enjoyable to you if you were familiar with Homie D. Clown. I recommend watching clips of Homie D. Clown on the Youtube or wherever. It's still funny.) Fucking Guiliani

A lot of sad, wrong things happened last week. Everyone with a heart feels compassion for the people who died and their families. Then there's fucking Guiliani, who chose to take this opportunity to state, "Black Lives Matter is inherently racist." Uh, no, motherfucker, you're inherently racist. It's not racist for people to not want to be murdered. It's racist to call them racist for wanting to live, you slithering motherfucker.

What Sarah Palin Said Was Worse

Yes, she's still around and no one knows why. Does she even have a job or anything? Anyway, she said the following about Black Lives Matter:

"They’re not protesters. You know, these are thugs, they’re rioters. And yeah, I’m calling out the media, saying quit claiming that these rioters are people."

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Sarah Palin.

Dear Sarah Palin,

The Black Lives Matter movement exists because black people weren't being treated like people. Statements such as these may be the reason you don't have a job. Food for thought.

Best Wishes,

Donna Troy

The Campaign

President Obama campaigned with future first woman President Hillary Rodham Clinton. And Bernie Sanders has finally endorsed Hillary Clinton. I have to admit I'm a little confused by Sanders' endorsement, because I think he's still running for President? I don't know. I guess we'll figure that out during the convention.Trump is supposed to announce his VP pick in the next few days. The top guesses are Mike Pence, Newt Gingrich and Chris Christie. He's not going to pick any of these people. Because they're ugly. And according to Trump, "You know, it doesn’t really matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass." That can only mean one thing. Yes, Donnie will choose his daughter. His daughter, Ivanka, whom he wants to date. Not his daughter, Tiffany, because he's forgotten she exists.