……and ushering in the Lucky Seven :)

Its Time To Speak Up, To Act!!

She stood in the bus, jostling for space. It was a little too crowded. She was already late for college and could not risk waiting for another bus to come along.

Suddenly,she felt a man pressed to her back. Practically stuck on her. She was at once repulsed and disgusted. She tried to move a little away,but the crowded bus did not permit her the space. She turned a little to the side so that her elbow could jab him , if required. The man shifted himself too. He once again stood behind her and pressed himself to her. She let go of the handle bar and tried to swing at him, lost her balance and almost stamped the feet of another passenger standing close by.

“Watch out”, yelled the other man.

She apologised, all the while aware of the smirk on his face.

She looked about. A seated woman was looking at her, but as soon as she turned towards her, the woman immediately found something more captivating outside the window. A couple of school boys gave her a blank look. The conductor was at the other far end of the bus.

She could only pray that her stop come soon so that she can take the next bus back home. All she could think of was washing off the feel of that thing throbbing at her back.

She was 18 years old.

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The car was at the door. Everyone was seated inside when she remembered that she had forgotten her purse. She jumped out and ran to the house. Her father’s attendant,a newly employed guy, opened the door. She rushed in to fetch her purse. He followed her. She came back solemn, tight lipped. Others were too much in a party mood to notice the change in her manner. She wasn’t much of a talker anyway.

She was quiet the whole day. Not enjoying the party games or the boat rides. Silent to the conversation going on around her.

Throughout the day, she didn’t utter a single word.

She was 16 years old.

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It was one of her rare chances to see the beach. She was as excited as the other kids in the family. Her mom had bought her a new dress and she was keen to show it off to her cousins.

They all left together. All the children accompanied by a myriad of aunts, uncles, parents, siblings.

The beach was crowded. One of the entrances was two-way, allowing people to enter the beach as well as to leave it. Everyone was holding hands so as not to get lost in the crowd.

Suddenly, she felt a hand grab at her chest and squeeze hard. She looked around. There were so many people, it was difficult to make out whose hand had come forward to hurt her. It was over in a flash. Not so the pain. It lasted more than a week. The bruise took much longer to heal.

She was perplexed at the act. What was the person trying to do? She didn’t even have breasts.

She was only 11 years old.

—————————————————————————————————————–

It was a daily evening ritual, to go for a short walk with her room mates after dinner. Sometimes , their land-lady accompanied them. But not tonight.

They walked along familiar paths, nodding their heads at other families/couples out for a stroll.

Two boys came on a motorcycle and stopped right besides her. They threw her a lewd comment and pointed to her chest. She was too stunned to speak. One of her room mates, took action and picked as tone to throw at the boys. They fled as rapidly as they’d come, cackling loudly.

She looked around. All the other people were looking at her , accusation writ large on their faces. As if blaming her for bringing bad repute to their locality.

She bowed her head in shame and walked back towards home.

She was 22 years old.

——————————————————————————————————————-

She stood at the bus stop, waiting for her bus to come. Earlier that day, her dupatta had got stuck in the classroom door jamb and had torn at the corner. She was wondering if her tailor could undo the damage. If not, she would have to buy a new one.

A middle-aged man came to the bus stop and beckoned to her. She looked about, assuming he was calling someone else. He shook his head and beckoned to her again. She went up to him.

“Chalegi kya“, he asked her.

“Ji? ??”, she asked, not sure if she had heard right.

“Kitna legi“, he persisted.

She was too shocked to reply as the realization hit her.

Before she could come up with a reply, he was off again.

She stood there for a long time, wondering what it was about her that gave the man the impression that she was a prostitute.

She was 20 years old.

—————————————————————————————————————

She settled down in the bus, opened the purse and pulled out her novel. Her’s was the last stop and as she was at the window seat, she didn’t bother who sat next to her.

Even though she was engrossed in the book, she couldn’t help but feel something tickling her waist. As if something was trying to climb her skin. She looked at the person sitting next to her. He was an old man. He looked kind, grand-fatherly. She was sure she had mistaken the touch. She adjusted her dupatta around her and went back to her book. It was another five minutes before she felt the touch again. There was no mistaking it this time. It was the old man after all. Just as she turned towards him, he gets up and walks towards the front of the bus. He had reached his destination.

The bus moves on. She looks out of the window at the old man. He stares at her then gives a lascivious wink.

She shudders in disbelief.

She was 25 years old.

———————————————————————————————————————

All the above are instances are gathered from experiences of friends and family. One of those instances is mine. Am sure, many of you would be able to relate to any one of these instances. There were many more gruesome ones, but I did not post them here. We all know that sexual abuse is rampant in our country. We have all been a victim one time or the other. And most of us have kept quiet about it.

I have been a victim. Not just once, but many times. But I never had the courage to stand up for myself. To look at the guy and slap him hard across the face. Make him think twice before he lets his body parts stray where they don’t belong.

But I stayed mute. And in turn encouraged them to try out their tactics on other women.

Aren’t I as responsible for the increase in the eve-teasing as these guys, if not more?

Recently, I took a stand. Marriage had made me stronger. I no longer let a guy mess with me and walk away. Once in a while if I do take the bus and encounter such people, I make sure to make sufficient loud noises to attract attention. Its a different matter that people focus on me rather than the guy, who is the actual culprit. But I don’t mind. As long as he keeps his hands off women, I’m fine.

But I don’t travel in buses much.And I feel I missed out on many chances to correct wayward men.

If a young man tries to molest a girl the first time, is caught and punished, would he have the same confidence while trying it out a second time? I guess not. But we don’t realize this fact. We encourage molesters by keeping quiet. By staying mum. Not letting anyone know what happened to us. In most cases, the girls are just worried about what their family/friends/relatives would think about them. After all, didn’t we think that promiscuous girls most vulnerable to eve-teasing??

If you are a woman reading this, then don’t hesitate to raise an alarm if you find a guy molesting you or someone else. Its time we remembered that WE are the victims, and not them.

Its time we remember that if they dont have any regard for our modesty, we shouldn’t be regardful of their families/wives/children.

Its time to realize, that making the society safe for women lies in our own hands. The more we cower, the more we subdue our voices, the more we give in to their dominance.

I have a daughter. And I dread to think of her ever having to face such perverts.

I can’t guarantee that she won’t.

But I can at least try to make sure that she is able to handle them as best as she can.

I don’t want my daughter to have after-thoughts on what she could have done. I want to be proud of what she did end up doing.

So here’s a request to all the strong women reading this.

Lets join hands to fight eve-teasing/molestation/rapes.

This request also goes out to guys. I cannot generalize and say that all men are perverts. So those who aren’t, should make sure that the ones who are, are punished for their actions!!

Let us not be silent any more. Let us have the confidence to speak up for ourselves.

I had tears of frustration, helplessness, anger… when I finished reading this. Why the hell should girls/women go through this??!!! Yes, silence hurts more than it helps. The older generation was wrong, by keeping quiet and not raising a hue and cry nothing has been achieved. It is time we refused to take this treatment in a passive manner.

You have done a good job of writing down these experiences. This post must be read by a wider audience. So it goes on twitter and also my FB page. 🙂
I am linking it to my blog too.

Hi Shail,
I’d heard these stories from friends and also added an experience of my own . It was your post which made me realize how I’ve been silent about these things. And how important it really is, to make ourselves confident enough to fight back.

A very strong post .. here via twitter!
I totally get ur point … wonder what they get from that …momentary pleasure for which they leave some ppl hurt life-long?
I hv got those looks too from other women asking y ws I trying to oppose; it might be harmful etc.. sad that ppl prefer to be scared and stay mum rather than oppose things 😦

Thanks for dropping by.
Am guilty of the same behavior . Forget about others, I couldn’t stand up for myself!! Luckily, I’ve changed over the years.
Now, its more imperative to first acknowledge that it happened. And then take corrective actions.

Mostly, girls go on thinking that nothing really untoward happened to them…maybe since everyone goes through it, its ok.
But its NOT.
NO ONE should go through it.
And we have to stand up against such men.

During my recent trip to India, I had an experience with a man( I am a man). While travelling in a bus, a hand touched below my belt. I thought in the crowd it happened. But after few minutes he touched once again. I moved myself little backward to have sufficient space btw us. His back was facing me and he tried again by bringing his hand closer to my belt without realizing I was watching. As his hand came closer, I held it firmly and lift it to his back for sometime. He could not move and he could not do anything.Then I gave a little punch on his back for him not to do try this again with anybody.Don’t know if he still continues.

I could relate the incidents that you have narrated and it is such a trauma one could go in those situation.

Hats off to you!! You have come out with a solution……What has to be done in those situation.

Being a father of a teenage girl I consider this äs a great advice.

“”But I can at least try to make sure that she is able to handle them as best as she can.

I don’t want my daughter to have after-thoughts on what she could have done. I want to be proud of what she did end up doing.””””

I used to HATE traveling to and from college in the public buses and faced such incidents on an almost daily basis but couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I don’t travel much by buses these days but I think I would handle such situations differently. We shouldn’t be ashamed of someone else’s filthy behaviour even if it is targeted at us!

My mom always taught me to fight back and I did.
Sneaks and Bullies are scared of people who fight back and yell.
Being Tall and umm.. well built also helped 😀

Most of the old movies have this Boy teases ‘haughty(?)’ Girl and Girl Is angry and then blushes and eventually accepts him/ is tamed, kind of story lines.
So if you want to speak out against eve-teasing/ molestation, would you also speak out against the way women are shown in movies ?

I remember in one of Company get-togethers there was a skit about a guy , his father dies, he has an ‘unbyahi bahen’, and his elder brothers wife refuses to let elder brother help out this guy , his ‘vidhwa ma’ and ‘unbyahi badi bahen’.
I was disgusted and offended with it, but people around me were fine.
If the attitude of ‘educated IT’ people is to accept that women are powerless and have to be helped and can’t help themselves and this is acceptable, God help the society.

This ultimately is root cause of girls remaining silent in face of molestations and abuse.

A friend once related an incident that happened to him on a crowded commuter train which is similar to Maddy’s experience while his wife and I were going on about harassment of women in public places. I still remember the, ‘I can’t believe this happens to us men too’ (of course from another man) look on HIS face and also the disgust. I have also read a blog comment about how a woman harassed a boy in a bus, pressing against him and all.

You are right.
I stand corrected.
But what I meant was that I had NO idea whatsoever that even women indulge in such acts!! (call me ignorant, if you may).
Such women must be punished as well.
Harassment, at any level, by anybody is unacceptable.
But I guess, we are more silent/subdued when women are harassed by men. We have our own ‘reputation’ at stake.
On the other hand, a guy might actually feel priviledged to be harassed by women (Have you seen the AXE deo ads? Know what I mean ??)
😀

came here via Shail’s tweet link…read this a few days back actually…but was and still feel too fruistrtated too write anything..
the way you have written this..the way you have described it..makes my skin crwal..thats how real it is…

today read Swaram’s post too…felt disgust at us as a society…

am much better equipped mentally and physically to handle perverts now…but somewhere along the way lost a lil bit of myself..
not tangible but a loss nevertheless..will write about it sometime..

Hey Indyeah,
Thanks for dropping by.
You are right about the part of ‘losing oneself’. I guess most girls would agree that once molested, they lose atleast some of that confidence they were born with.
And the loss increases everytime they keep quiet.
More’s the pity 😦

When I see, hear and experience such things, I wished I could bring in something akin to the Shariya law – the part that was used to abuse the other should be chopped off as punishment. A few Handless people and everyone else will behave out of fear if nothing else.

Congratulations 🙂 This post in one of the winners of ‘Tejaswee Rao Blogging Awards – 2011’ (TRBA 2011). We would like to create an ebook with all the winning entries in 47 categories on Feminism and Gender Issues in India (and one category on Animals Rights). Please do let us know if you are fine with your winning post/s being included in this ebook. ( Please click here to let us know).

Life with RS & SS

"You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore... but let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you."
Author: Khalil Gibran
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Aren't those lines beautiful?! Each time I mention that I have twins, I simply LOVE the way the words feel to my ears...as if, just saying it was a blessing (which it is).
Each day, each hour, minute,second is a blessing.
I cant even think of my life before you two....Its almost as if it all got wiped off and I started life afresh after you both arrived.
Me, as a mother was born the day you two did....and together, we grow, we learn, we love, we laugh, we live.