Thursday, June 21, 2007

As the search for the 14th member of the KSK fantasy league continues, I'd like to take a moment to post some excellent submissions from readers. They're short, NFL-related, not a link to a blog post, and make no mention of the applicant's fantasy league playoff history.

First off, this fun story about Ben Roethlisberger from our new friend Ken Dynamo (edited slightly for spelling and clarity, because most of our readers are only semi-literate, which is totally fine with us).

Big Ben at the Grammys in 2006. Overdressed as usual.

My friend is in Vegas by the craps table when he runs into Ben Roethlisberger, a few other Steelers, and their entourage. (This is after Roethlisberger's rookie year before the motorcycle accident, so he's still being treated like the man.) My friend is completely shitfaced and stays to watch Roesthlisberger throw dice. Everybody is cheering Ben on like it's the Super Bowl until he craps out, at which point the table goes silent. My drunk friend then interjects "Roethlisberger? More like... CRAPSlisberger!"

The silence continues until Roethlisberger finally says, "You know what man, people have been kissing my ass all night, and I did crap out. Let's get a drink." So my friend stays and raps with Roethlisberger for a few drinks, and the conversation turns to, as you would assume, stuffing sorority chicks at Miami, Ohio. Roethlisberger claimed that he would pick a sorority and then try to plow every single member. My friend then asked, "Even the fat ones?" To which Roethlisberger replied, "Well, that's part of the challenge." "It's a matter of principle."

I can't attest to the veracity of the story, but I want it to be true, which is good enough for me.

Next up, a Kyle Orton Story that DOESN'T have drunk photos to go with it, courtesy of Chicagoland reader Mike:

Back in 2005, I happened to stop at a Dick's Sporting Goods when Kyle Fucking Orton was doing an autograph signing. I actually waited in line for over an hour to get his autograph because my dad is his #1 fan and I am mildly retarded. When I was up, I had no idea if I was supposed to say thanks or whatever, so I told him he had an awesome neck beard (he does). To this he replied "blow me shithead" and I was escorted out of the store. Three days later, he got his ass handed to him by the Steelers and began his downward spiral into obscurity. All me.

Finally, we got this email from a reader I'll only call "Jeff W." No, that's too obvious -- make it "J. Wimer".

go fuck yourselves, that's my application. and btw, not one of you idiots could get laid in a womens prison with a fist full of pardons, no wonder you post drag queen pics.

Thanks for your input, Jeff! Of course we wouldn't get laid in a women's prison -- we're the Gay Mafia. Anyway, that's not quite what we're looking for, but we wish you well in your own fantasy league, where we're sure you're very well-liked.

Oh, and one final note on the juicy NFL player stories: people, we shouldn't have to hold an idiotic contest to get these kinds of tips. We ALWAYS want to hear about your experiences with NFL players. Especially if it's gay sex!

Alright, alright, I almost got Ape fired with my amateur porn pics. Sorry. How was I to know he worked for a bunch of uptight prudes. Would a naked picture of OJ Simpson get me any closer to forgiveness and winning the contest?

Gainesville is decent for sorostitute talent, but the best "talent" school in FL is the arguably worst athletic school in FL. Its colors are my name. My favorite pro team and my college are both black and gold.

Just about all the sororities at Arizona, or even just random groups of hot girls, had at least one fat/really ugly girl. Hand grenades we called these chicks, because groups of good looking girls would use them as a buffer when going out. Groups of guys with someone willing to jump on the hand grenade for the good of the platoon were usually golden.

That story actually makes me respect the hell out of Orton. He decides to bust out a "blow me, shithead" in the event that somebody might be insulting him, despite being in the middle of some sporting goods store at the mall that's probably full of little kids and nuns. And, come to think of it, to a guy that waited in line for an hour for his autograph. THAT is a man that doesn't fuck around.