Thursday, September 04, 2008

Check out this work of genius I scrawled on a Starbucks bag yesterday. I don't know if this gag has been done before. Seems like Gary Larson would have to have thought of it. Or somebody. Maybe this is the most common one-panel dinosaur gag in the history of one-panel dinosaur gags. Anyway here you have my version.

I also have a joke I made up. Here it is:

Q: What do you call someone who has sex exclusively with homeless people?A: A hobosexual!

Let's see how many people comment about that one.

Anyway, I'm busy at work on the final edit of Zen Wrapped In Karma Dipped In Chocolate, my third book, which comes out from New World Library in February. This is the critical edit, the one I cannot change any further after it's been submitted. So I'm paying careful attention.

Which brings me to another rant I've always wanted to post. People sometimes ask me to make a list of my favorite Buddhist books. Problem is I don't read many Buddhist books. Most of the stuff on the shelves at the Buddhism section of the local Books-R-Us bore me to tears. I have a lot of reference books that I check when I'm writing. But most of those I don't read for fun.

One of the things that irks me about a great number of the books sharing shelf space with mine is that so many of the "authors" there don't actually write anything. They lecture and their students make tapes, then the students transcribe the master's words of wisdom and make them into a book. In some cases this is OK. Like when a teacher dies and students want to commemorate what she said. I also still like all of Shunryu Suzuki's books, which were made in this way. A few good books put together in this manner do manage to slip out. In these cases it's usually stated in the introduction that the book is the transcription of lectures.

But when someone makes a career out of "writing" this way and makes no effort to let folks know he's never actually sat down and written anything in his holy life... Well, let's just say I'm not impressed. These "writers" exist on the same level as airhead starlets who "write" their tell-all autobiographies by sitting next to their swimming pools and babbling into a tape recorder then letting a real writer turn it into something that they can make a zillion dollars on. Feh, I say! Feh!

Maybe I'm just cranky cuz I've been slaving over this thing for so long. And because I've worked so hard at making myself look like a shit-head in this book.

I've got a shelf of those books, including Brad's two, that were mainly purchased and read five years ago when I first became interested in zen. Anyone interested in my little collection? Would gladly trade them for books on science, skeptical inquiry, rock star biographies, comic strip collections. Just think, you might get "ENLIGHTENED"!!!

you are funny tho, but ONLY for the brief moments you let go of your teacher status.

and you cannot let go of it, because it won't let go of you for a while.

i'm really praying you make a boatload of money and hopefully FAST.

we'll see what awesome teachings you will impart then.

anyhoo, here's a FACT about T-Rex, it was a stupid, lame, scavenger beast, NOTHING like portrayed in the movies.

a goddam dog like you portrayed barking there, IN REALITY, would scare the fucking T-Rex into the darkest corners of the cave and have it only come out at night again, when maybe it would feed on DEAD CATS and one or two rotten hyena:z!

this is the problem with using humor as a defense mechanism.

it's very effective in nice, mellow, civilized societies like the US has become, where nothing can be questioned anymore, everything has to be politically correct and acceptable by all races and creeds, pretty much if you call someone's action STUPID, that's in court SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

anyhoo, get my point?

no?

look at your second part of the post.

all you do is whine about others making it in this world, while you remain a poor fuck, unable to pay for rent for 2 people [i give you this much, you have been able to pay for yourself, but even that, barely] and it's starting to get to you.

which is as it should be.

stop the bullshit about i'm not interested in building a sangha following, i'm not interested in this and that.

you ARE interested in lots of things, mostly getting some love just about now, at a time and no one in your fucking life is left to provide it.

where you gonna get that from, man?

your next suicide girl?

you gonna tough it out on the cushion while all you can do is sport through a 7 days sesshin with good circulation in between sitting?

bro, you ain't crashed AT ALL yet and when you do it will be stellar.

but hey, i'm sure you've got the smoggyrobs to prop you up or that ole lady who when i told her we've met before all she could think to hook me with was that she has a doctor's memory, really short.

she also had the messianic superior doctor smile associated with that, i'm sure she'll be able to nurture you back to health, if she can play bell ringer for you, everything is possible.

anyhoo, blah, blah, i know, justin says don't i have better stuff to DO with my TIME?

no, bro.

and why?

because i do not do and there is no time.

i LIVE that. YOU, on the other hand, have maybe TASTED it.

i wouldn't fukken know, because i'd never dream of being in the business of validating people's answer to the simple question:

now, step the fuck away from the alaska griZZly disguised into a long legged playboy spread and let romney show her how it's done!

THEN i will CHANGE my goddam vote back to ole elephantine party.

as it is, i'm stickin' it out with dr. dre!

asshole:z~~~~~~~~

ps: viet'kong's official statement: who the fuck wants to vote into a office a moron who can't fly a plane right and then uses that as a LOOKAT ME WHAT HEROIX I PULLED because i resisted TORTURE (which i hear he has NOT), man do i wanna vote for some guy who was reeducated by people born from Dragon fucking a Phoenix bird?

CHICAGO—The longtime search for self conducted by area man Andrew Speth was called off this week, the 38-year-old said Monday.Enlarge Image Search For Self Called Off After 38 Years

Speth sets out on a new life, moments after announcing the end of his search.

"I always thought that if I kept searching and exploring, I'd discover who I truly was," said Speth from his Wrigleyville efficiency. "Well, I looked deep into the innermost recesses of my soul, I plumbed the depths of my subconscious, and you know what I found? An empty, windowless room the size of an aircraft hangar. From now on, if anybody needs me, I'll be sprawled out on this couch drinking black-cherry soda and watching Law & Order like everybody else."

"Fuck it," he added.

Speth said he began his search for himself in the late '70s, when in junior high he "realized that there was more to life than what [he] could see from [his] parents' Dundee, IL home."

The search initially showed great promise, with Speth's early discovery of his uncle's old Doors records and a copy of The Catcher In The Rye. Over the next two decades, however, the "leads just petered out." Although Speth searched in a wide variety of places—including the I Ching, a tantric-sex manual, and a course in chakrology—he uncovered nothing.

Speth was dogged in his pursuit, sacrificing his higher education, bank account, social status, and personal esteem. Despite the rising costs and mounting adversity, he vowed he would never give up his search—until now.

"I can't believe how many creative-writing courses I've taken, how many expensive sessions with every conceivable type of therapist," Speth said. "All that time—a whole life—wasted on a wild-goose chase."

Since calling off the search, Speth has canceled his yoga classes, turned in his organic co-op membership card, and withdrawn plans to go on a sweat-lodge retreat in Saskatchewan. On Tuesday afternoon, he loaded books by such diverse authors as Ludwig Wittgenstein, Meister Eckhart, and George Gurdjieff into a box labeled "free shit," and left it outside of his apartment beside a trash can.Enlarge Image Search For Self Called Off After 38 Years

Speth tours Prague in 1991 at the height of his search.

"The only books I'll be reading from now on are ones that happen to catch my eye in the supermarket checkout line on the few occasions I leave my apartment to buy more Fig Newtons," Speth said.

Speth said he will no longer lament his coding job at Eagle Client Services, but will rather "embrace the fact that I have a job that makes enough money to pay for cable." Additionally, Speth has vowed to marry "the first woman who will have me, whether I love her or not."

"Oh, and if I never throw another goddamn clay pot in my life, it'll be too soon," he added.

Though hardened and haggard from his long search, Speth expressed relief that it was over. Asked if he had any advice for those who are continuing on their own searches, Speth had two words of advice: "Give up."

"Trust me—there's nothing out there for you to find," Speth said. "You're wasting your life. The sooner you realize you have no self to discover, the sooner you can get on with what's truly important: celebrity magazines, snack foods, and Internet porn."

... but you already knew that. Why? The reasons are many, but the specific thing that's got me flogging myself to sleep each night lately is the fact that several months ago, I humbly asked my readers to return to the golden shores of WULAD, while promising to resume regular posting of the sort of high-quality prose you've come to expect (in between long stretches of inactivity).

And for a few weeks, it worked--I was able to balance the requirements of my day job as a secret agent and freelance assassin with my other comedic commitments (such as this, this, this, and sometimes even this), while still saving up enough creative juice to crap out a WULAD-exclusive post about how awful California bagels are or why we should all vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

But maintaining this balance became more and more difficult as the days wore on, and posts here became more and more likely to consist of a short blurb, a handful of excuses, and links to all my other (occasionally paid) jokin'-nuggets from around the web. And eventually even those clip-show posts trickled down to nothing. For that, I do apologize, from the bottom of my black, black heart. (How black is it? Let's just say that the reason you're not reading a hilarious list of the funniest moments in Heath Ledger's corpse-wheeling video is that the poor guy was just too boring for me to come up with anything good.)

Anyway, the combination of the factors listed above, the fact that I'm about to take a 3-month sabbatical from "the Company" to focus on other pursuits, and my general sense of being burnt out on "writing about stupid shit" (as I told Glayne Stonewad), means that your friendly webnorhood WULAD will unfortunately be going back into creative deep-freeze until at least May. We'll see how I feel then--it's possible my satirical batteries will have been completely recharged, and I'll be raring to get my nose back to the blogging wheel. It's also possible I'll plant high-powered metaphorical explosives on said wheel and blow it to smithereens along with all the floppy vestiges of my blog "career." I honestly don't know.

do you notice at the end of the clip at least if not throughout the way mc solaar can open and close his energy gate:z?

if not, go ask hippo master mikey_etsch to teach you how to open and close a joint, if you can't fucking buy a $20 DVD from energygates.com or you can't bring yourself to beg michael bardan to ftp you a bootlegged ripped version.

The fools die for ideas of the smart,and there are no people 100% right.The rich ignore the shoeless poor,Learn to LISTEN!

Don't look down upon the poor but cultured.

If you succeed they'll look at you with admiration and hate,Envied for your fuckable woman, Dulcinea.

Laws are only for the common manand this won't change any time soon,Try to believe my w0rd:

You can't force a person to like you,If you're not welcome, leave (hint, hint),Any "final" evil has to pass,If people can be dogs when it comes to what's theirs,Pay attention, don't get indebted to heirs.

You can be fucked over by the closest to you,You can be betrayed by the whore you share your bed with, foo,If you ask for support from those that are cowards,It's the same as looking for fame in platinum records.

Be ready to make mistakes,Be ready to hate,But with mental detachment,You can be strong.

{chorus x2}

Be prepared to insult,Be prepared to lie,Truth is subjective,Like what you spit between clenched teeth.

Be ready to die,Poor,Then have,Then fall,To have nothing to take,To give,So they all like you,Be ready to face mountains of hate,Have the power to smile seeing your parents grow gray,

When nothing goes or all goes wrong,Without words learn to walk ahead through.

Respect your close friend, or not,

BE YOU,

NOT SOMETHING OTHERS WANT YOU TO,

Respect the laws, or not,

Be ready to be surprisedUnexpectedly by life,Your wife and your children,Write 'em off to death too.

Your so called friends will judge you in your absenceand they'll turn their backs on you when you have your hand on the cunt.

Be ready to be hated and despisedWhen you have the power to do something truly right!

Don't let yourself be driven,You have nothing to confess,You have one chance in life,Face it squarely and profit!

Pain you don't feel,Love and appreciation you don't feel,when everything in this worldcan be reduced to financial wealth.

i'm too short for her legs, realistically, or i'd be in love with her legs too and then i'd consider marrying her 17 year old pregnant daughter once election passes and the boyfriend takes a much needed permanent hike.

A lawsuit was filed yesterday in an Alaska superior court seeking to stop the de facto forced medication of children under the state's care (foster kids, juvenile detainees) and children covered under state health programs with psychiatric medications. Named as defendants were the State of Alaska, Gov. Sarah Palin and a host of officials with various state agencies. The suit was filed by Psych Rights, the Alaska-based mental health law project, which has vigorously fought the forced drugging of adults in the state's psychiatric hospital. Jim Gottstein, the president of the group, was instrumental two years ago in ensuring that the leaked Zyprexa court documents reached the public. A press release from Psych Rights can be found here.

The lawsuit is sweeping and seeks to go after the age-old practice of giving psych meds to children and teens in the custody or care of various state programs, at times without the knowledge of the children's parents (if there are any) and without the informed consent of the child or teen. Gottstein argues in his filing (2.2 MB .pdf here) that such practices violate the constitutional rights of children. I'm not going to put on a law class here (to the degree that I could), but here are some snippets from the suit.

Gottstein wrote to Gov. Palin in February 2008:

"It is a huge betrayal of trust for the State to take custody of children and youth and then subject them to such harmful, often life-ruining, drugs. They have almost always already been subjected to abuse or otherwise had very difficult lives before the State assumes custody, and then saddles them with a mental illness diagnosis and drugs them. The extent of this State inflicted child abuse is an emergency and should be corrected immediately. Children and youth are virtually always forced to take these drugs because, with rare exception, it is not their choice. PsychRights believes the children and youth, themselves, have the legal right to not be subject to such harmful treatment at the hands of the State of Alaska. We are therefore evaluating what legal remedies might be available to them. However, instead of going down that route, it would be my great preference to be able to work together to solve this problem. It is for this reason that I am reaching out to you again on this issue."

Gottstein got a mealy-mouthed answer to this letter from an agency head, but there's no indication that Palin, who is Sen. John McCain's vice-presidential choice and quite the advocate for families, ever saw the letter. There was no response from her office. I'm not criticizing Palin, but am simply noting the irony that she's named in this lawsuit given her sudden emergence on the national political scene.

In his filing, Gottstein notes that over 4,500 Alaska children and teens were being given various psych meds under the state's Medicaid program.

Among other things, the suit cites problems with the FDA approval process, the influence of drug companies upon prescribing practices, the lack of safety and efficacy research on psych meds in children (the vast majority of trials are done in adults), and the troubles with anti-depressants, antipsychotics, stimulants and anti-seizure drugs used in children as part of the basis for the lawsuit. The lawsuit asks the court to a "declaratory judgment that Alaskan children and youth have the constitutional and statutory right not to be administered psychotropic drugs unless anduntil":

"[E]vidence based psychosocial interventions have been exhausted, rationally anticipated benefits of psychotropic drug treatment outweigh the risks, the person or entity authorizing administration of the drug(s) is fully informed, and close monitoring of, and appropriate means of responding to, treatment emergent effects are in place."

This is a highly original and potentially landmark case. It will be interesting to see where it winds up.

Get back on meds (change prescription?)Stop being in denial about bipolarityStop deluding self about being 'enlightened' Realise commenting obsession is unhealthyRealise Zen obsession is unhealthyRealise negative/hostile behaviour is unhealthyGet life on trackJob securityStable relationshipsA pig in a cage on antibiotics

come now, what is successful, but what you deem it to be? mentality exists along a spectrum. My brother is 'undefined', or considered 'slow' or 'learning disabled'. But we talk totally on the level. The way he repeats things over and over sometimes bugs me, and I'm sure he is irked by some of my 'normal' mental habits, like my impatience with him. We just orbit different bandwiths of the spectrum of mental energy.

come now, what is successful, but what you deem it to be? mentality exists along a spectrum. My brother is 'undefined', or considered 'slow' or 'learning disabled'. But we talk totally on the level. The way he repeats things over and over sometimes bugs me, and I'm sure he is irked by some of my 'normal' mental habits, like my impatience with him. We just orbit different bandwiths of the spectrum of mental energy.

JP, you should be hired as Sarah's debate / personal trainer. Like Madonna's story, you will then be able to father Neo.

I love Sarah like a mad Iditarod dog and want her to be President now, not 8 years in the future.

Nor 4, which will likely be the case. Took her another try to Governator too.

mB)

PS: Little known facts about me:

US sold California back to Mexico (for 1 AMERO) because I do not submit to autocracy, snakes climbing up staffs, and Time.

Einstein resigned when the Mayan calendar surrendered Humanity's flag and my daughter will be born FREE.

Not the free Americans define in their English dictionaries.

On Sep 5, 2008, at 12:00 AM @gci.net, @alaska.gov> wrote:

> Some little known Sarah Palin facts:> > Sarah Palin will give birth to the man who will lead humanity’s war against the machines.> > Sarah Palin knows how old the Chinese gymnasts are.> > Sarah Palin is allowed first dibs on Alaskan wolfpack kills.> > The Russians sold Alaska to America because Sarah Palin would not submit to autocracy.> > Sarah Palin became governor because five children left her with too much spare energy.> > Sarah Palin will send Biden a pre-debate cheat sheet. The sheet will have tips on defending against Kung Fu Death Grip.> > Me: Just thought these would help fill in some gaps.> - Jonathan> > PS. Sorry, I know nothing about the "drugging kids" issue.> >> ----- Original Message -----> From: Mike Bardan> To: @alaska.gov> Subject: everybody welcome dr. bardan into the republican fold>> we all may remember what an ardent democrat she was back in the day of no dollar to her name, don't we?>> and before my love affair with sarah ends abruptly, can anyone make her CLEARLY STATE HER POSITION on this issue?>> >>> re: http://www.adn.com/2839/story/151514.html>> Alaska And Gov. Sarah Palin Sued Over Drugging Kids

I agree that the books that really are edited collections of talks should be clearly labeled that way. These books are just a different genre than ones that the author created after facing hundreds of blank pages.

The psychiatric establishment (the United States Pharmacracy), disconnected from Law and Religion, trying to establish themselves on top of both, has decreed:

The Axioms of Psychiatry:

1. When we say you are crazy, we will medicate you into submission.

2. We use date rape drugs to get your consent.

3. We use billions in marketing and PR to prove anyone who disagrees with us is crazy, therefore well deserving of 1.

Corollary: You, citizen of the Land of the Free, can do NOTHING about that, because we are above Law and above God and when we say you are crazy, you have no rights. Not even human rights. We can and will strip you of those too.

There are some really messed up people posting in the comments section here. Lots of people off their medication and getting all up in Brad's business. Sheesh. No wonder Brad doesn't spend much time reading the comments. 90% of what's being posted is like reading Finnegan's Wake.

This looks to be the results of the study of Zen meditation that Brad took part in. The not too surprising conclusion is the long term meditators (more than three years) have less mental chatter than ordinary folks. But they used a multi-million dollar machine to show it, so that makes it scientific.