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Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day

Today is Father's Day so I am taking the day off from writing to sit on the couch and drink beer while watching a game. I'm not really sure what season it is, but I will find a game to watch. And I will smoke a cigar. I will bar b-q and then go watch a boxing match all the while scratching my balls. I will be enjoying the company of my kids who each made me a homemade card that I will read once and then put away somewhere to save forever so no one will know that I am an old sentimental softie. At the end of the day I will fall asleep on the couch with my hand down my pants. Happy Father's Day.

In the meantime, you can read this old tired summer repeat:

I am moved to write because today some lady threw her baby into a mega-stroller and rolled it into my station. The baby looked like it was a few weeks old and I don't know why the fuck anyone would drag their weeks old baby to eat at my place, but she did. Actually I should say her nanny did. Mother just talked on the phone and took cell phone pictures of it. Maybe she was Grandmother. Bitch looked old. First thing: "Can you turn down the music? The baby is asleep." Whatever. Point of story is when they left. I went to clear the table and there was a tiny diaper rolled into a ball that was sitting with the dirty dishes and used napkins. Like I won't notice a fucking dirty diaper. So I have decided to make a list of things to not leave at your table:

diapers

snot rags

babies

trash from other restaurants

hair pieces

magazines that I don't want to read like Time or Ladies Home Journal

crappy cell phones

your bad attitude

odor

junk mail

your phone number (ugly people only)

apple cores, banana peels or sunflower seeds

used gum

gum of any kind

dirty diapers

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Also vomit. I know a girl who quit waitressing the day a guy handed her a plate that his kid had vomited on. He'd covered it with a napkin and didn't say anything. The puke sloshed on my friends arm and within five minutes she'd given her notice.

After that, I told myself I would also quit if I ever got someone's vomit on me.

wow, that's disgusting...you should save it somehow and if they ever return, bring it out on a sliver platter garnished with a rose...ugh...some people...would you honestly be surprised if you came across a used condom or something? (Of course, you would be the 2nd person to come ac--never mind...)

btw, happy father's day to everybody who takes care of their children, and those who do not, please eat a lightbulb...that is all.