Friday, 3 January 2014

‘Hooray for Olliewood’ (2nd line: ‘Who’d like some fish for breakfast? Ollie would’). At Christmastime my mum thinks it’s hilarious at to sing ‘Deck the halls with bowels of Ollie’ in front of me.

Age?

10

Owners?

Novelist Jane Fallon (she asked me to point out ‘new book, Skeletons out March 27th’ and ‘available in all formats’ ) and comedian Ricky Gervais.

Brief biography?

Given as a gift aged 4 months. Spayed shortly afterwards (lawsuit pending). Now unable to bear children I have settled for a life of combat.

Catchphrase?

Brush me!

No, really, though. I’m not even joking. Do it.

Favourite habits?

Literally biting the hand that feeds me.

Perfect evening?

Eat, snooze, brush, repeat

Favourite food?

Tuna. TUNA!!! GET ME TUNA!!!

Defining moment?

The day my overly long left fang accidentally grazed the skin of someone who was doing something I wasn’t enjoying and they stopped. These days it’s not so accidental.

Enemies?

We’d be here all night. Suffice to say there are only two humans I have any time for, everyone else is fair game. I’m not scared of anyone or anything though, except the tabby and the tortoiseshell from next door but one, the two grey cats from over the back, the other tabby who spends all day in my garden, next door’s dog, the window cleaner’s dog, all other dogs, Mr Hoover, the broom and the stick that someone brought back from Hampstead Heath once.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?