What is Truth, Telling the Truth, and is a Half Truth A Lie?

by Robert Wilkinson

A dear friend of mine wrote me the other day about a moral dilemma troubling her. She asked: "Is there ever a situation when bending the truth is necessary for the well being of a person or group of people?" There were layers to her question which deserve consideration. This is a major dilemma for all who know more than they can say, as well as all who are called to say something truthful even when it looks like it will lead to a major problem. If you're interested in my response, read on.

She went on to ask: "I am not talking about Iraq, although it applies on a level. The government has a legal responsibility to be honest at all costs, so the government is absolutely wrong in the way it went about going to Iraq. I'm wondering about my question in much simpler terms. How about when a mom tells her son that smoking will kill him therefore he should never touch a cigarette, a half truth that could spare a potential addiction which could lead to death? Or a mom tell her 4 yr old daughter to stay away from the edge of the pool b/c she will drown if she falls in, a half truth that could spare someone drowning?"

How about when a mom doesn't tell her children that dad is a raging alcoholic so that the children grow up in a secure environment where it's okay to love dad? To me, that's an omission of truth that allows a household to grow up with a reasonable amount of love."

"What if a great seer only illuminates part of the truth to gently propel humanity to its next level of evolution, being careful to cloak much of the knowledge b/c humanity is not quite ready to process it responsibly? Again, this is an omission that could be a form of protection."

"What exactly do you consider truth? And do you ever find it to be evolving or shapeshifting depending on who's telling it? And is truth a black and white matter or do you find that it exists in shades of gray on occasion? And if so does this bother you? Can you think of any occasion where you either stood on truth at all costs, or only presented part of the truth knowing the it would get you the same results? Do you think that the end justifies the means in some cases, or that the truth should always be illuminated no matter what the issue or cost?"

Here was my answer, with a few edits:

Truth is often in the eye of the beholder, much like "reality." And there are unconditional truths, conditional truths, and untruths. What is true here may not be true in other circumstances. Gravity is an unconditional truth for our Earth, though it may not be on other worlds, just like we know "Life" to be carbon-based, though it may not be across the galaxy. Still, these are true as far as we are able to measure (except if we are discussing a virus!) Is water wet? Yes and No. Both are true, depending.

Another unconditional Truth is that consciousness is a one-way street. We can never become ignorant of a thing once we've realized it. We either act in accordance, or in discordance, with what we are aware of. Even if we "forget" we still bought the ticket and took the trip. We can never go back to a state of innocence once it's lost. Life experience just doesn't work that way.

There are other unconditional Truths, like evolution of consciousness, how Magnetism, Synthesis, and Economy work, and the fact that all forms pass away, every cause creates an effect on some level, and that Love is Eternal. That all particles exist within a larger field, light is the source of all that has "lived" on Earth, and so forth.

That brings us to the other two types, conditional truths and untruths:

When my grandmother used to ask me "How do I look," my answer was always "great," or "beautiful," or "wonderful," or some other compliment. I would never tell her she had on too much perfume, or that her dress looked 25 years out of date, or whatever. Was I telling her an untruth? No. I was merely stating an opinion, since in that circumstance "truth" is a judgment call at best.

If she asked me if her dress looked old, I would always tell her "You look great." or "That's dress looks really great on you." Untrue? No. She did look great to me, as well as to many of her friends. As for perfume, well, there are a whole lot of young and old people who wear too much perfume in my opinion, but should we tell someone in a mall that they stink? Do we have the right and "duty" to express "the truth" whenever it comes to our attention?

So that brings us to the dilemma of what to say when and to whom. Truth is like that. Is not telling someone the "whole truth" if it's needlessly hurtful "bending the truth?" The truth is bent by perception. Is "the truth" to be used as a bludgeon to press our point and force another into submission? Must the truth be cruel and destructive? What is "the whole truth?" We can always tell "the whole truth" in ways that either hurt another, or do not hurt another. It is all how we frame "the whole truth." And realistically, who among us really knows "the whole truth?"

Telling someone "the truth" is often a far cry from some of the examples you cite, which are more statements of opinion than fact. We should never mislead a child if there is any way to be truthful in what we say. One of the problems with the examples you cite is that FEAR is never a good thing to cultivate. We want to be firm with young children (a 4 year old should NEVER be unsupervised near a pool!) but at the same time not tell them something factually suspect, or they'll doubt our veracity in more important things later on. ("Smoking pot will lead to heroin addiction.")

Again addressing an example, smoking cigarettes MAY kill you, or it may lead to other diseases that will kill you. Or you could get drafted and go to Iraq and be blown up by an IED, whether you smoke or not. Or we may stroke out, or have a heart attack, or some form of cancer even if we don't smoke. A dear friend of mine was a meditator, macrobiotic, and genuinely altruistic guy who died of rare bone marrow cancer in his mid-40s because of a drug the doctors told his mom to take in 1945.

I agree we need to stress all the negatives of smoking, and some are so vivid that they'll make more of an impression than "it will kill you," a statement of an absolute which may or may not be true. "Your breath will stink, you'll waste your money, few will want you around, your health insurance will be more expensive than others," and so forth, depending on the developmental level. And here we have to remember that teenagers don't care. And they may even do it just to bug you, so they have to be handled a certain way. Like cut off their money.

The mom, the 4 year old, and the pool is somewhat different. That's a clear case of using FEAR to scare someone to death about water. Better that she find some other way to persuade her child not to go near the pool while teaching her how to swim! Then if the child falls into water she WON'T drown! I used to teach very young children in Florida when in my teens, and they pick it up pdq. That mom is shirking her duty to teach her children a skill that will help them survive, and even make their lives more enjoyable!

As for children of alcoholics. Well, it's usually better to have a dad than not, unless he's physically abusive. Moms too. Regardless of what we endure at the hands of our parents, it was an agreement by all in the family system to do the drama before any of us were born. So though many are raised in somewhat dysfunctional situations and we have our crazy and extreme moments this life, it doesn't have to permanently damage our psyche. Many of us may be weird, but it doesn't make us bad guys.

Everyone's parents have blind spots, weaknesses, and psychological baggage. We just learn who we're not, and go our own way in life while loving them with all our hearts in their weaknesses and their strengths. What else is there to do with our parents' flaws? They weren't raised by saints either, and when I think of the "gods that walked the earth" when mine were young - Stalin, Hitler, the Great Depression, etc. - I have great compassion that they're as cool as they've become.

All great Sages only illuminate a part of the Truth they know, since not all things can be said all at once to everyone. That's just discrimination. When in a college town in the 70s you speak one way. When you're working in a courthouse in 2007 you speak another. Blavatsky gave the world a great gift in "The Secret Doctrine." Yet she made it clear that it was a translation of only 2 of the 33 Sacred Volumes. The rest were deemed too heavy for humanity to handle by those who were and are the custodians of the records. Get the first two volumes down, THEN you get to go to grad school!

Believe me, if truth seekers want more, they will find it. Guaranteed! To the degree they are able to handle it and then some, it challenges their creative imagination, perseverence, and faith in themselves, the Divine process, and the Eternal Connection to the Great Ones. Without those, it's all vanity, since ALL "Spiritual" practices further the Oneness We All Are Together. Anything less would feed separateness, and you know how that is viewed from the higher angle.

As to your more personal questions. Does the fact that truth is hard to determine bother me? Sometimes more than others, especially when people have asked me what I think the "truth" of a thing is. I know I'm going to offend some, confuse others, disappoint others, and seldom communicate it to anyone's satisfaction. Who can put the ocean in a teacup? And the very thing all can agree on may lead some to major spiritual breakthroughs and world service, while others will run their lives into a ditch with the same information and intention. Not all Truth fits for all people all the time.

I've been in situations where I felt like Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men" in telling someone "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" And there have been times when I've had to name the truth in the face of the whirlwind, and suffered the inevitable consequences of standing for something good in the midst of liars and thieves.

Seldom do the ends justify the means, since using wrong means never leads to a good end or karma. Think the "Sorcerer's Apprentice" here. That example can be applied in 10,000 ways. So I try to "tell the truth" as I see it, remembering always that like us all, I can be totally misperceiving a situation. Or not. As to "telling the truth," well, we must always "tell the Truth." The trick is which Truth to tell.

Comments

Awesome article. I agree with you regarding fear mongering with the pool example. Also, if I had known my dad was an alcoholic before I was a preteen, even with what little I may have understood, I might not have blamed myself for a lot of his actions. When I finally realized it, it was like a light bulb had went off (still no one told me, I figured it out myself) but it did not reverse the damage already caused. Sometimes the hard truths have to be told, hiding them doesn't really help anyone.

Hi Corrine - Thanks for your praise of the article. Many have alcoholic parents, one or both, (or abusive in other ways!) and it's useful to remember that whatever damage may have been done, it's up to us to move beyond the fear and loathing and claim our birthright to be a greater Being than the damaged child who once was helpless, but doesn't have to stay in that state any more.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we DID make an agreement "on the other side," for whatever Soul reasons, and while it doesn't excuse the abusers, it cannot help us to stay stuck in a self-image of victimization. When my light bulb went off, I actually was able to appreciate my childhood circumstances, since I realized it gave me permission to do my thing in my own way.

As for reversing damage, well, the world has ALWAYS been pretty bare-knuckle throughout the centuries, with the challenge always to become more than whatever you imagined when young and at the not-so-tender mercies of the sometimes very cruel adult world. It's NEVER been easy for kids. At least now there's a veneer of "civilization" for those of us in the "first world" while those in the third world are still condemned to child slavery, mutilation, and so forth. Personally, I prefer my own difficult childhood to some abominations still going on in other parts of our world. Speaking truth to power is never easy, but in the long run, it strengthens the Soul.

awsome indeed... what an issue 'the truth' is, and how appropriate under the current sky. Alchemy has taught me the difference between exoteric truth and esoteric truth and how truth in general is such a bendy thing... I try in turn to teach my children that honesty is a responsibility which is about honouring the Self. When we start telling the 'brutal truth' to others we aren't honoring anyone, but using words as weapons (telling a kid they'll drown if they go near the pool is what I call 'awfulizing' and to me has nothing to do with the truth!). In the middle of that is the 'complaint' which we often think of as coming out with the truth (oh kid, you really stink! how about a wash?) may be helpful, depending on it delivery, but if there's something that bothers us, its really about us.. so perhaps 'truth' doesn't apply there either.

What a great article. This is a subject close to my heart. I teach elementary students and I never believe in sugar coating the world. Children just grow up to become disillusioned and cynical when they find out the truth.

I talk to my students about war. We talk about how many people believe it is ok to kill another because of their beliefs if they call it war. My students think it's crazy that people believe killing is ok.

If we pretend the world is sweet and kind, what do my students think when they are beaten by their parents? Or watch their parents beat each other? Or watch night after night as their parents sink into a world of drugs and alcohol? We need to make it ok for them to bring the truth out into the light so they can get help, not keep secrets in shame.

My ex-husband is an alcoholic. I've never hidden that from my children. He seldom has time to see them, but they love him anyway. They just know he has problems. Like many other people on the face of this planet.

Hi all - I'm catching up on other things, so thanks for checking in. I absolutely agree with every single thing you've said. Sounds like four part harmony to me. And given the quick and powerful responses to this article and emails I've gotten, it'll probably yield a follow up.

Hi reinersue - Thank you. Welcome to the site. I thought it important to begin to explore a very complex subject. The gulf between "fact" and "opinion" can be as wide as an ocean or as close as one's heartbeat.

I think it was Buddha who said it -- to paraphrase -- Truth must first of all be the truth as it is reflected in your reality and secondly, it must be kind.

Telling someone the truth in a way that preserves their dignity is totally different than telling someone the same truth in a way that humiliates them. To take someone off to the side to say, "You've got broccoli in your teeth" is much different than saying loudly before a large group, "EWWWWW, what is that in your teeth?". They both accomplish the same thing but one way is kinder. Using one of the questions in the post, it is okay to keep children in the dark about their father's alcoholism as long as the children are not hurt by it. If the children are being physically or emotionally abused, however, they need to know that it is their father's weakness, not them, that is responsible for his actions. (Obviously, they need to be removed from the situation also).

To tell a truth that will instill fear in someone is a form of control and not okay. Explanations can be made such as "You need swimming lessons to go by the pool's edge" is better than yelling "You'll drown!". But the first example takes time and effort which it seems the world is in short supply of.

You wouldn't tell your children the mechanics of reproduction if they asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" You tell them an age-appropriate answer. Sages tell us the Truth as it is appropriate to our spiritual age. Sometimes it is a huge gulp, sometimes it is just a grain. Is this lying? No. It is infinitely kind.

When we are asked for the truth, we should always reflect before we speak. Is it really the truth? Is it kind? Can we say it in a positive and uplifting way? If not, then maybe it is best to defer the response or not say anything at all.

I so love flying by your site Robert...there's always a gift one way or another and it's wonderful to immerse myself in all the wisdom both from you as all reader's comments...

Now here's my comment on this heart provoking article.

Truth is a major issue right now in my life situation.
I am 41 and my father is a WW II veteran (Dutch Indies/Japanes occupation), my mother the brought up in a resistance family here in Holland during that same WW II.(German occ)

I am their co-creation.

War, children, truth! No matter what words parents use, how they phrase them...it's the emotions the words are charged with and the accompanying bodylanguage that - I believe - children actually perceive as the truth. I speak from experience, looking back at a childhood where wartrauma's hoovered over day-to-day life, unadrressed.
Where words were spoken, yet charged with contradicitve emotions.
I've found this to be the experience of many others, when I asked them to look back at their childhood.
Apparently children respond faster to the emotional charge within the words than the actual meaning.

This - in my personal situation - has lead to much confusion when growing up.
Apparently there existed two "truths" the mental one distinctive from the emotional one.

Parenting is the world's most challenging job.
Being aware and having emotional integrity is one of the greatest gift one can bestow upon one's offspring.

Speaking the truth for me means being in congruence, aligning the words with the emotions, the bodylanguage. First and foremost being truthful is being aware of MY inner truth.
Evolution for me means lifting the emotional veils or differently becoming aware of feelings as a driving force in sharing/telling/living my truth.

Which brings me to my current "truth" dilemma.
Let me just describe the situation and pose the question to you all:
There is this person (A) who is married for quite some time. The married life has become burdenfull over the years, A expresses and shares the grief and complaints with others for multiple years. But never acts on it.
Then some day A confronts the other marital partner (B) and tells B life together is no longer an option.
A's words are charged with resentment, anger and frustration. B is flabbergasted.

A then withdraws more and more from the relationship. When being asked to cooperate in a solution, A can only adresses B with counter questions and resentment.

A starts to create "alliances" outside the marriage by sharing her experiences.

Hi sonja - I agree with everything you said, just didn't respond before now. I absolutely believe that kindness and compassion are essential to recovering our individual and collective sanity. The brutality and polarization of our present collective illusion is unsustainable, given our true Higher Nature of Love, Wisdom, and Intelligence. I agree there is nothing wrong with not telling the harsh "truth" to a child, since they'll figure it out all too soon as innocence is lost in the meatgrinder of modern existence. And of course, they will never do well if we inculcate fear as a default. The only sane defaults are truth, goodness, and beauty.

Hi Lisa - Yes, how can we explain the horror of war to those that are fundamentally innocent? So the children read the emotions, and try to understand the best they're able something that is conflicted at best, insane at worst. My father was a WWII "war hero" who hated war with all his Pisces heart. He's never gotten over some of what he witnessed of human cruelty and insanity. That infused his personality when I was growing up, and he couldn't even talk of his war experience until I was in my mid-30s. There were times when I was young that he would be so explosive that I wondered what really was going on, since I couldn't make sense of his emotions. And now I understand, and have deep compassion for someone so sensitive who was forced to be a part of mass violence and insanity. I absolutely agree with your statement "Being aware and having emotional integrity is one of the greatest gift one can bestow upon one's offspring." I did that for my daughter, and she is now grown and courageous in asking questions that need to be asked and standing for integrity despite the shallowness of modern urban Americans.

As for your example, it's far too complicated to address in this comment stream. I'm sorry that so many words were swallowed and so much resentment built, since there is much that can never be recovered once there are too many layers of negativity, unless one applies "spiritual" practices as solutions, which is up to individual choice. And of course, different generations have different demons to deal with, since many with Pluto in Cancer were not raised by saints, and grew up with Hitler, Stalin, and the world-wide "great depression." Very grim times, and so grim outlooks resulted regarding how to deal with problems. Perhaps your issue isn't one of "truth" but of acceptance, forgiveness, and affirming the highest good will come out of whatever wreckage is happening. Each can come to their form of "unconditional truth" but it doesn't mean that others will understand, or even accept it. All things that are true, good, and beautiful can be restored if the participants want to. But it will never be the same, since "the moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on..." to quote a great poet. Expectations usually obscure truth, unless one is expecting what is true, in which case expectations create the thought forms that result in forms of "truth." Selfish or separative emotions drive illusion, which is conditional truth. Love and Compassion drive Unconditional Truth, since these always result in more Love and Compassion. Truth begets Truth, whereas conditions result in illusions, since all conditions are impermanent.

Dear Robert and Lisa...its an interesting topic 'Truth'..as one of my favourite sayings is 'the truth shall set you free' and there is no reality only perception...we all have our own truths that feel right for us...but...some people get hurt or even killed for speaking the truth so it brings me to the true role of karma...which is the ultimate truth for me and it always amazes me that dishonest people do not really believe in this natural form of justice or have a conscience. I believe what goes around comes around....if you exploit you will be exploited....until we learn there is only one way even in the harshest of circumstances against the biggest liars and that can only be walk away and leave it to karma or god. My daughter has a father who is a compulsive liar and will say anything to get what he wants and come up looking like the victim but she is the most honest perceptive intuitive bright example of what being around dishonesty can teach you also and it doesnt mean you will become like them. I am constantly proud of her integrity and the way she handles this dishonesty from someone she loves...she has certainly handled him better than i did!! Being an aries i worship honesty and think it is the most important part of our intricate personalities...maybe A in the story above just kept too much inside for toooo long and errupted like a volcanoe which can happen with aries...i have been there and its not pretty and have always been engulfed in remorse afterwards...but you have to forgive yourself and move on...saying sorry is so easy and healing for everyone...you sound like a great friend just for caring and being concerned and my advice is be neutral.

Hi giverny - I agree that "karma" is a form of Unconditional Truth, even though sometimes it works in mysterious ways. Of course dishonest people avoid examining karma, since dishonest people usually don't want to accept responsibility for their actions, and blame consequences on everyone but themselves. "Walking away" can take many forms. I know of people like the one you describe, compulsive liars who are closet (or not so closet!) sociopathic personalities. It's true that often the best way to deal with such bottom dwellers is much distance between the two of you.

For children of such creatures, they can only be fooled for just so long, and often all we can do is encourage them to examine behaviors and draw their own conclusions from a dispassionate angle of observation. Children as a rule are not stupid. They usually bust our inconsistencies fairly quickly. And when they see a parent doing bad things, it doesn't mean they will become like them, and in fact it often yields opposite tendencies. My father exploded regularly at his children; I NEVER exploded at my daughter for that exact reason. I also am an Aries, and yes, we value honesty more than most other tribes. Whether that's a virtue or hinderance is often circumstantial. At least we get over things faster than the other signs. Quick to anger, quick to move on.

Hi abacus - If we all honored our truth without worrying whether others are agreeing or disagreeing, then the whole world would be better as long as our truth didn't violate another's ability to live their life in harmony and peace.