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For the past twenty years dont know what have i done with my life that today i dont know what i want..In my childhood always went in flow with what mom and dad wanted, never got a moment to think what i want, what is best for me, how the way i wanted to live n now here i am confused who i am what exactly i want, how to fight for myself, got this old burden of following other’s thoughts, bored and sick of taking advice from people…i am innocent i take time to understand things because never had anyone in my who tried to make me overpower my innocence and learn things in a right way…

Everybody misunderstood me somewhere where i never expected them to do so… I dont know other people’s part but i know have never found place in anybody’s life the way i wanted..Its not my fault but people’s bad luck that they take my nature in the picture of characterless girl..My heart is open like sky where black clouds come and disappear, h ave never any grudge against anyone…have always been neutral to everyone be it my friend, acquaintance or an enemy the meaning of which i never get…

Sounds stupid but true and what i see beyond me is that people make me their enemy without knowing anything… I have happily accepted whatever came in the course of my life…got up independent learning to live… break… fall… survive. Whats wrong in trying to live without any fantasies, expectations, forcing people to accept you… to love you… Their choice and now I am no one to run behind people and then bruise my own heart…

At one point of time human company for me was supportive… Felt that can keep myself and that person happy… but now its like I am too scared of people… it gives me shivers till inside…

But now no longer like this… Here i am now adamant to protecting myself… Again learning to live…

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What do you do when you know what you’re doing is wrong yet you can’t stop yourself from thinking of doing it? What do you do when you know how you feel is not right but it’s just not in your hands to stop the emotions to flow? What do you do when you know that every step that you’re taking now in that direction would be equal to miles when you’d have to come back? Because you know you’d have to come back! You know it, ‘cause it’s like walking in this long corridor and ending up facing a locked door. (And I am not talking about Harry Potter here)

You know there’s no key to this lock because it’s an electronic lock, where the lock opens only if YOU are sure you want it to open.

This is my story. Like many, I have faced a lot of confusion in it. I still do. And amongst them, one still bothers me! I liked this guy I know loved someone else, and I’d finally come to make this decision after 5 months, that him and I will never be. And not just because his feelings were for someone else, but because he was not the right man for me. Don’t get me wrong! He was perfect in many ways- understanding, responsible, caring, humble, down-to-earth… But mostly, he was honest. And that’s what I loved about him. There is a rule. God has to pop your bubble when it grows bigger. And so, the” someone” apparently he loved dumped him. And I was there. Just like I’d always been. As a friend. But then 4 months later I realised he’d fallen for me. Period. Happy ending? I should’ve done a victory dance, right? But I freaked out.

And he has nothing to do with the fact that I suddenly decided it can’t be! Well, I have been brought up in a very homely, family-oriented environment. I’ve never had a boyfriend in my life, not because I never got proposed or anything. O believe you me, I got asked out plenty times! But I refused. Each time. Because I believe in the concept of “one man woman”.. I hope that when I’ll fall for someone, it’ll be for good. I know, you must be thinking what the hell am I even talking about? Does that kinda crap exist anymore? That’s so old school. But not for me! That is how I am. And this gentleman came in my life at a time when I was just concentrating on my dreams and career and all things fancy. But things changed. In a second. Just like that. After his arrival of course.

Stronger emotions overpowered my senses to think logically or with a clear head. Suddenly, he became the centre of my universe. I’ve never dreamt of anyone like I used to dream of him, back to back, every night. Earlier I’d convinced myself that he’s not the one, because it was easier this way. But after he started talking and confiding so much, those suppressed feelings came to the surface. But soon the clouds of fantasies, love and romance left this land again and moved on to another. And alas! That veil covering the nasty thing that we call truth, fell. I started to think rationally again. “He may be perfect but do we have a future together?” “Does he feel the same way for me or is it just a crush?” “Do I want this?” “Is there a chance AT ALL?”

And it was then I decided that when your heart is questioning you so much and when you can’t answer the questions, you should check if the path you’re walking on is the right one. I did the check. And guess what? It wasn’t the right path after all. (: He may be perfect, but he wasn’t meant for me.

If there are a hundred people in the world, at least seventy of them must be good men. The world would have ended a long time ago, otherwise. So, he is just another man in the crowd of seventy. He is a good human being, no doubt about that. But he isn’t “my kind of” good.

It’s still hard. I know I haven’t completely moved on yet. I cared for him before I even knew what his name was. It’ll take time. But I know I will move on. Cause there’s no other way. This is the only way!And I know I can do it. 🙂 Moving on, I mean.

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