iClouded Part 2

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Like the last few posts, this is coming to you “live”from Artisan Roast HQ in PJ. Proudly supported by the Flat White on my left and my iPad in front of me 🙂

So, how has your week been?

Today’s post isn’t going to be a #NoteOnLife, it’s going to be something #ClosetotheChest, something i really haven’t done in a while. A long time ago i wrote a piece, “iClouded”, well here’s iClouded Part 2. My week has been ok, yes the weekend was brilliant but elevated levels of fatigue, muscle aches, stiffness, pain, nerve sensitivity and brain fog has made the last few days hell, nothing near my worst days but still pretty significant. Things got somewhat better yesterday but are worse again today. My mind is in quite a blur state, not sure what i’m actually doing and what i’m going to do and not being able to recall easily what i just did.

I arrived at Artisan today without any money AT ALL even though i already knew i had no money… hence i had to make a run to the bank which all in all caused my an hour.

I absolutely hate this, among all the damn symptoms of fibromyalgia, i hate brain fog & fatigue the most. I can take the pain and aches and sensitivity, but the fog with fatigue is the true low blow that cripples me (Elevated Levels of Fatigue usually mean elevated levels of Fog, so it’s a 2-for-1 deal), simply because i’ve ever been a physical person, i’ve never really relied on my physical attributes because they’ve never exactly been in great shape, you know, hole in heart, one useless thumb, one bifid thumb and a left arm that has an irregular bone structure have all been major factors in making me a not-very-physical person. However, what i’ve always had is a pretty good mind, not the best mind even when compared to some of my friends, but a pretty damn good one at that, so when something like this god forsaken brain fog comes along and HANDICAPS my mind, lets just say i don’t take it too well. I feel insecure over my self-worth… why?

Well, it could be because there’s this line that keeps running through my head…

what am I without my mind?

It’s a helluva scary thought. My skills and talents do not lie in the physical (or not yet anyway), they stem from my way of thinking, my experiences and my…. damn it, i had the third word but now i can’t remember it, but you get the point, right? Or am i so clouded that all this only makes sense in my mind? So, why is fibro fog really so bad?

One Word: FEAR

This is reminds me of the brilliant of George Lucas through Yoda:

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

How true is this? or maybe it’s just me.

It scares the shit out of it. I start doubting myself = vulnerability of my self-belief and the i get angry, or get easily angry about everything because, well, i’m scared and vulnerable. I’m doubting myself and then the anger turns to hate. Hate at the world. Hate at life. Hate at Fibromyalgia. Hate at me for being in this stupid state. Well, it took me many a month, but i’ve learnt to manage these #FibroFogSpikes better. By managing me fear better i’ve seen corresponding changes in Anger and then Hate, but it is very very dependant on how much control i have over my life. There are certain key things that help me manage this Phase, and the most important that is having my time to be alone at my favourite coffee place and write… There’s just something about writing with good coffee in an environment that is buzzing with people but isn’t noisy that grounds me, that for some reason makes me feel safe and comfortable. Also, it doesn’t help at all when my plans are disrupted by last minute plans when i’m in this phase because all i want to do is stabilise myself again. I’m not saying that i don’t want to help people, it’s just that if i
don’t do this for myself, things will only get worse… Anyway, i think that’s enough rambling for one post. Hopefully this Fog & Fatigue diminishes soon so that my next post won’t be an iClouded Part 3, because i really really wound’t want to bother you with something like that so soon 😉

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Published by Roshan Kanesan

I'm a Producer for the Morning Run on BFM 89.9. I also produce and host the weekly personal finance show, Ringgit & Sense, and the occasional Breakfast Grille. Outside of personal finance, I have a particular interest in business, financial markets and technology, especially when these areas intersect.
View all posts by Roshan Kanesan