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Keep your hands and feet inside the confines of your easy chair–Shark Week is circling! It attacks July 23 and lasts an entire week on the Discovery Channel and SYFY.

Before I begin my musings about the annual fest to pay homage to an eating machine, let me set the stage by asking you to imagine a cello. The Jaws theme begins. Come on, you can hear it–it’s two stinkin’ notes. Even I, possessing a cello I can’t play, can manage two notes. So now that you have that playing in your head, let’s continue.

For the past two weeks, I’ve seen advertisements for Shark Week in the form of sharks on a plane, Shark Week T-shirts, Shark After Dark nail polish, and Deep Sea Delight ice cream cupcakes. Then there is shark on a Seal. Unfortunately, the shark wasn’t interested in a Kiss From a Rose, it wanted pop star nosh.

The Discovery Channel lineup for the week of July 23rd – 30th offers scenes of serial killing sharks (because after the first attack they’re apparently serial killers), devil sharks, and a shark safari. There are also alien sharks, which I think could be a possible crossover event with SYFY. The main event for Discovery this year is Commotion in the Ocean–Michael Phelps vs. Great White. No gloves, mouthguards, or jock straps for this one, it’s a race to see who is the fastest swimmer. Should we watch through our fingers like I did when I saw Jaws for the first time? Will Great White decide feed rather than speed is the goal? I guess we’ll see.

Let’s move on to the SYFY B lineup. There are some real winners for Shark Week 2017. 5-Headed Shark Attack (because 5 is way better than 4), Mississippi River Sharks, Toxic Shark,Trailer Park Shark (the things I envision here would take an entire post), Empire of the Sharks, and (drumroll) Sharknado 5: Global Swarming, tagline: “Make America Bait Again”. Unbelievable, isn’t it? Who knew that idea would fly…5 times? I guess Tara Reid and Ian Ziering still need grocery money.

I will have to say, I am disappointed that SYFY hasn’t taken my suggestion for one of their spectacular movie events. I want to see T-rex Hex. An evil warlock places a hex on (name the city) for shutting down his warlock consulting business. He turns the long-armed city council into short-armed dinosaurs and mayhem ensues. (What? It’s at least as good as Sharknado!) Just an FYI for all of you who are fans of 80’s romance covers, Fabio will be playing the part of the Pope in Sharknado 5. I think I’ll insist on Fabio playing the part of the evil warlock in T-rex Hex as well…now that would be worth the price of admission!