John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

I still cry every time I think of him. Could I have PTSD? (Published 1/8/2013)

Q:

I watched cancer take my brother nine months ago at the young age of 45. It hit without warning and three months later he was gone. I was with him through it all and was with him when he took his last breath. I still cry every time I think of him. Could I have PTSD? It just doesn't seem like he can really be gone. I am not the same person I was.How can I work through this?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

We’d imagine that some of the images associated with your brother’s illness and death—not to mention his age and the speed at which it happened—continue to reoccur in living color in your mind and heart.

We are not doctors or therapists, but we do not think or believe that you have PTSD, no matter how the definition has gotten stretched from it’s original meaning.

What we do believe is that you are a griever with a broken heart. We also believe that the circumstances of your brother’s death, coupled with what we’d guess was a very powerful relationship for you, combine to keep you feeling stuck with a boatload of emotions. And, that you have no sense of how to get out from under so much feeling.

Assuming that we’re correct, the first thing we want to say is the your grief—even nine months on—is NORMAL and NATURAL. Your broken heart does not need to be “pathologized” with a diagnosis of PTSD or any other condition.

Since your brother’s untimely death robbed you [and him] of the hopes, dreams, and expectations of your futures together, a large part of what we might term your “unresolved grief” relates to that future that will not happen.

We’d strongly suggest you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it suggests. As you do, you will find the pain diminishing and the bouts of crying reducing. At the same time, you will have a positive sense of retaining the fond memories you have of your relationship with your brother.