Kristen’s Story: A rough road to happy ever after

I am a 26 year old female that has dealt with sexual assault, emotional abuse , and rape . most of the things I am about to write I have never told anyone. Some of it I used to blame myself, and some of it I have learned to just block it out and pretend like it didn’t happen. I guess I’ll just get into it and start with one of my very first memories ,of being sexually assaulted by older brother and his friends. I was a bout 5 or 6 years hold and I remember my brother taking me into his room in the basement ( he was about 13 at the time) and said that he wanted to play a game, and being so young of course I didn’t really understand, I just remembered I thought it felt weird, I had never had anyone touch me the way they were touching me. I currently have a good relationship with my brother and my family has never been one to share how we feel or communicate, so it’s something I have lived with my whole life and I just act like nothing ever happened. I don’t think it was trying to hurt me in anyway, I think he was just curious of the female genitalia , I am not even sure if he really knew what he was doing.so I have never brought it up, in fear of it ruining our Adult relationship. This is something that I have never told anyone. For a while I tried to convince myself it was just a weird dream and my mind was making it up. I pretty much tell my current boyfriend everything, but this is one of the very few things I haven’t, since I don’t want it to change his views on my brother, who he is currently friends with.

Another one of my childhood memories, doesn’t involve sexual abuse, but just physical abuse from my father. He was a very angry and depressed man, when I was young , and he always took everything out on my mom, brothers and me. throughout my childhood I had been, spank, hit, pushed, yelled at and spit on more times then I can count. I remember one specific time, when I was around 10 years old, I think I wanted to go to a movie with my friends and when my parents said “no” so , being upset and not understanding why I couldn’t go, I stomped up the stairs in protest, I didn’t even mean to do it on purpose, I was just bummed out, but my dad was not very happy about that so he ran up the stairs and grabbed my face so hard he knocked out one of my loose teeth, then smacked me, and proceeded to scream in my face about how I won’t disrespect him like that ever again.

were done with the family, now on to the boyfriends…..

when I was 14 I started talking to this guy [J], he was one of my good friends boyfriends, best friend, so the four of us hung out all summer. The first 6 months were amazing, I was young and in love. I originally was going to save my self for marriage, but I was in love and he convinced me about a month after I turned 15 to “make love ” to him. Things were good for a few months, but as our relationship progressed, so did his obsession with me. He wouldn’t keep his hands off me, and first I liked all the attention, but eventually it became over bearing. He got jealous of everyone who even would look at me, he hated my friends and wouldn’t let me hang out with them. He also would try to finger me and make-out with me when my dad was 2 feet away, which I felt super uncomfortable about and I didn’t want to do . He started to make me choose him over my friends and family and convinced me to lie to my parents so I could spent more time with him, and if I didn’t he would break up with me. He started accusing me of things I never did, he for some reason thought I slept with another guy , which I didn’t, and he actually ended up cheating on me with a stripper. After that I decided to try to take a. break and I wanted to escape from him, but at that point ( about 1.5 years in) I had pushed away all of my friends for him. I felt so alone and like no one else cared about me, I tried dating a few other guys, but boys being boys, all of them just tried to sleep with him pretty much right away, so I ended up getting back together with my boyfriend, and I wanted to be honest with him and let him know that on our break I kissed two other guys. This was a horrible mistake, I didn’t think it was a big deal since he had sex with someone else, but to him kisses a guy is way worse, and he held this over my head and used it against me. he was manipulative and paranoid. My school counselor had called me in her office a few times to talk, aparently her and some of the other teachers thought he was abusing me, at the time I was just thinking physical abuse, and I thought it was absurd. but now I realize, that I was in a emotional and verbally abusive relationship. I knew it was a toxic relationship , but I became so depend on him , I didn’t know how to not be with him. He changed his class schedule so we had multiple classes together, we shared a locked, and I isolated myself from my friends for him, and my parents didn’t trust me at all, so they were being super strict with me, because they were afraid I’d go to be with my boyfriend, who they forbid me to be seeing. Most people enjoy highschool, its hanging out with friends, and partys and not alot of worries, but for me , it was a living hell. He made me feel like a piece of shit, always trying to fight with me and hold things against me, and blaming everything on me. Most nights I cried myself to sleep , hoping I never woke up. I thought about suicide alot, , but I get up catholic and thought that if I went through with it, I’d go to hell. So I would just pray that I would just stop breathing in my sleep. I tried cutting myself a few times, just because I wanted to see myself bleed, I was so empty inside. This was from someone who was suppose to love me, that I loved and couldn’t let go of. Why did he make me feel so awful, all the time.
He made me think things were my fault, but as I got older and matured, I realized it wasn’t my fault, what he was doing was unfair to me. If he loved me , he shouldn’t treat me the way he was.

I eventually found the courage to break up with him about a few weeks before the end of our senior year. I was going to wait until after we graduated but I had to have a date in order for my parents to let me go to prom. and of course my now ex-boyfriend tried to start a rumor about me, saying I had STD’s to scare away any guys away. He was still trying to control my life. I ended up finding a date to prom , from another high school, and my ex tried to fight him at prom. thankfully it was just a few pushes and then I got my date to walk away.

As I went to college, he kept trying to persuade me to get back with him. At this point I was so much happier without him , I was finally FREE ! Free from the emotional, verbal abuse. AT least for now, it was the first of many unhealthy relationships. in college . The first week in the dorms I had too much to drink and ended up sleeping with one of the guys that also lived on my floor and was given the nickname ” floor Whore”, one mistake, and was already getting a bad reputation.I guess I am a bit of a hopeful romantic and had a lot of crushes, which of course ended up being assholes. Then I met [K], I first just thought he was a jerk, and I should have listened to my first instinct, but after spending more time with him, I eventually fell in love with him.
This leads to me to the worse night of my life. it was winter break during my junior year and me and [K] just went on a date before he heading home for break. I was going out with my friends to the bars. For some reason we started our night at one of the most shady bars in town , and without thinking about it took a shot off the bar that I thought my friend had bought, about 15 minutes later, I blacked out, until about 6 hours later , when I wake up naked in a basement room with a guy on top of me. I imediantly throw up everything, I’m scared confused, don’t know who this guy laying next to me is or where I am. I tried to gather my clothes and find my keys and phone. I go upstairs and find a flashlight and a pocket knife, which I take with me. Even though it’s 6 AM, I am was just so scared, so I tried calling [K], and my friends, of course no one answers. At this point I am balling my eyes out, trying to figure out how to get home. I finally get home and wake up my roommates, to try to find out what the hell happened to me. They of course think I am over reacting and they go back to bed. Keep trying to call and text [K], I thought he was the one person who could comfort me. I felt so violated and scared. I just wanted him to make me feel safe. the next day I tried to tell me friends who happened, or the little that I remember, and I tell them how I think I was ruffled, but they think. I am being dramatic and that I just got drunk and slept with some guy. But that’s not what this was, this was different, I have gotten very drunk before, to the point where I almost had to get my stomach pumped and was foaming at the mouth, but I usually remember at least bits and piece of the night, I couldn’t remember anything, anything at all for over 5 hours. And I loved [K], there was no way I would cheat on him. I was roofed, and taken advance of. I tried to get more information our of my friends, but they just said how I could barely talk and was flirting with some random guy. I was so upset, I didn’t understand why they didn’t take me home if I was so drunk I couldn’t speak. and [K] still didn’t call me back, instead of being the support that I needed, he was ignoring me, I finally got a hold of him a week later in which he called me a whore and that I spread my legs for anybody. Everyone seemed to be blaming me, after being taken advantage of and being raped. I thought about going to the police, and getting a rape kit done but I never did, I didn’t even know what to say, I couldn’t remember most of it, I didn’t know who did it, and I was under age so I was afraid of getting in trouble for my fake id, and underage drinking. It put me back in this dark place , similar to high school, I once again felt like I had no one, none of my friends cared, my boyfriend left me because of it. I once again felt so alone. It made me question if it was my fault. I wish I never went out that night. decided to make some changes, I swore off men for awhile and to work on myself and to find some real friends. I have tried to take all these negative bad things that have happened to me and have it make me stronger. I feel like I have never had it easy, on top of the abuse, I just happen to have bad luck, including getting in a car accident with a semi truck on the highway, getting robbed at gun point, and the sudden death of my dog. Sometimes I feel like I can never catch a break. Let’s jump ahead , I have now been in a health relationship with my current boyfriend for 5.5 years and we have a new puppy and a successful engineering job , and I am just hopeful for the future. I choose not to be victim from my past.

Author

Related

The When You're Ready Project is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories and have their voices heard, finding strength in one another. When you're ready to share your story, we will be here.