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Okay my issue is major in my household I think I have the laziest tween in creation...lol one is 12 the other is 13. I have to literally following them around the house telling to pick up things and do things. I've taken away luxeries just at a lost? HELP!!

IMHO, when they DO actually get in there and do their chores...I find that what is most effective is showing them appreciation. Yes,Along with rewarding them with privileges. But specifically saying what about the job they did was especially good. When doing this don't harp on the flawed parts. When they do good, ask them: "There, now how does that feel? You got it done and it wasn't as bad as you thought it was going to be, was it? " (Expect a yes....lol!). Extra points for a cooperative attitude... I throw in as much humor whenever I can. Its funny when they TRY not to smile or laugh.... My 14 responds so much better to rewards, an appreciation. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. :D

I am new to Cafe Mom so I am not sure I am even suppose to post this here but I need help! I have a daughter who is 12 and is really starting to change. I did not have a good relationship with my mother growing up. I do not want history to repeat itself. So I def have a huge fear that this change is the beginning of the end , so to speak. Although, I know what she is going through is totally normal I have no idea how to handle it or what she needs from me. She has started to push me away and most times I can't win no matter what I do. I want my daughter to know that I an here for her and how much I love her. I try to help her with the new things she is experiencing by talking to her but I think in my trying to help I am making the situation worse. She is more on the shy side and usually does not want to talk to about things. What do I do? How much space do I give? I guess I am afraid that because she is so shy she will not come to me or my husband so we can help her/be there for her. The last thing I want her to feel is alone or like we are not on her side, like I used to growing up.......

I am new to Cafe Mom so I am not sure I am even suppose to post this here but I need help! I have a daughter who is 12 and is really starting to change. I did not have a good relationship with my mother growing up. I do not want history to repeat itself. So I def have a huge fear that this change is the beginning of the end , so to speak. Although, I know what she is going through is totally normal I have no idea how to handle it or what she needs from me. She has started to push me away and most times I can't win no matter what I do. I want my daughter to know that I an here for her and how much I love her. I try to help her with the new things she is experiencing by talking to her but I think in my trying to help I am making the situation worse. She is more on the shy side and usually does not want to talk to about things. What do I do? How much space do I give? I guess I am afraid that because she is so shy she will not come to me or my husband so we can help her/be there for her. The last thing I want her to feel is alone or like we are not on her side, like I used to growing up.......

I think you should make an effort to approach her. Even though she's shy, she still needs someone to talk to.

If you are talking about the hormones and bodily changes she's going through, maybe giving her a book or two might help?

Thank you for your reply. I have tried talking to her but she usually walks away bc she is to shy to talk about it. I thought about getting a notebook for her to write in. She loves to write and I thought it might be easier for her to express herself that way. Then she can give it to me and I can respond in there. I know talking face to face makes her uncomfortable. So I am trying to think of dif ways to communicate with her that will work for her.

Thank you for your reply. I have tried talking to her but she usually walks away bc she is to shy to talk about it. I thought about getting a notebook for her to write in. She loves to write and I thought it might be easier for her to express herself that way. Then she can give it to me and I can respond in there. I know talking face to face makes her uncomfortable. So I am trying to think of dif ways to communicate with her that will work for her.

I think the notebook is a WONDERFUL idea. Let me know how it works if you decide to use it.

Thank you for your reply. I have tried talking to her but she usually walks away bc she is to shy to talk about it. I thought about getting a notebook for her to write in. She loves to write and I thought it might be easier for her to express herself that way. Then she can give it to me and I can respond in there. I know talking face to face makes her uncomfortable. So I am trying to think of dif ways to communicate with her that will work for her.

I think that is a great idea too. Is she artistic? Maybe expressing herself through drawing or crafts could help too? She might enjoy classes like those, and maybe you could do them together.

Another suggestion comes from a friend of mine. She found it was easier for her son to open up at bedtime after turning out the bedroom lights. Maybe a routine setting where her face isn't as visible would make her more comfortable? (Edit, I wasn't talking to my friend about your post. We were talking about our kids opening up, and that is what she found to work well with her son.)

How do I get my tween daughter to be more independent and to think for herself and stop depending on mom. It's extremely frustrating with little things that she knows she must do like chores and preparing her clothes for the next day. I'll have conversations where we are sitting face to face and to me she doesn't hear a word I say. For example she asked for a sleep over and my response was to show me you can help keep the house clean with your chores and you can have a sleep over. she said but i'll for a sleep over and you won't let me, she never acknowledged the part about her chores. Or she wants to decorate the house for Halloween we get items from the dollar tree but she has yet to start decorating.

Do you have a visible chore list? If not maybe make one and hang it on the fridge or a central location. Remind her ONCE a day to get started on her chores. If chores aren't completed, then no TV, Computer, Phone, playing, etc. As far as laying her outfit out the night before, if that's not done, she can pick it out in the morning. But give her a time to be at the breakfast table completely dressed. If not, then she goes to school in what she has on. No if, ands or buts about it. Maybe that will make her aware of time management.

Have you had her hearing tested? Maybe she does have a hearing problem. So have it checked. If she is fine with her hearing then maybe she is a visual person. So post list of chores, etc. And remind her once. Give consequences for not doing them. And follow though on the consequences.

My boys do their chores after homework, which is done as soon as they get in the door from school. Of course they are allowed to use the restroom and grab a light snack. Once homework is complete, they do chores until dinner time. After dinner, they finish what needs done, then they have free time. Otherwise no free time. Free-time is TV, computer, playing in rooms, having friends over, etc.

Quoting iamsunflower:

How do I get my tween daughter to be more independent and to think for herself and stop depending on mom. It's extremely frustrating with little things that she knows she must do like chores and preparing her clothes for the next day. I'll have conversations where we are sitting face to face and to me she doesn't hear a word I say. For example she asked for a sleep over and my response was to show me you can help keep the house clean with your chores and you can have a sleep over. she said but i'll for a sleep over and you won't let me, she never acknowledged the part about her chores. Or she wants to decorate the house for Halloween we get items from the dollar tree but she has yet to start decorating.

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