On-Campus Starbucks Directly Correlated With Increasing Number of Dropouts

Just months after the new Starbucks opened in Price Center the university has reported a shocking increase in the number of student dropouts. The annual rate for the 2013-14 and 2014-15 years were 6.8, and 7.0% respectively. For the 2015-16 year, even though it is not yet complete, the dropout rate has risen to over 27%. How can that be right?

The Koala’s data science and analytics team was tasked with tracking the source of the issue, and the answer, is in fact, Starbucks. The 27% has been found, surprisingly, to be mostly comprised of Communication, Critical Gender Studies, Judaic Studies, Literature, Sociology, and Urban Studies and Planning majors. In our figures, we have not included students who’ve dropped out by killing themselves — this group is mostly comprised of Computer Science students.

After interviewing numerous students in each major we arrived at a loud and clear consensus: why obtain a useless degree and end up working at Starbucks when you can skip a step and work at Starbucks on campus. After hours of laborious research, the Koala R&D team concluded the Starbucks is to blame for the sudden rise in dropouts.

This rare showing of intelligence (dropping out) has raised the question about why these students were ever in such useless majors to begin with. In other news, the UC Regents has banned Starbucks from opening up on any other UC campus.