Monthly Archives: February 2013

Welcome to a new feature here at Thirtysometeen, called Ohmigah, an homage to the columns in our favorite teen magazines , where our readers share their most embarrassing, traumarama, cringeworthy stories. Hopefully, they won’t all be about someone farting while talking to their crush, or getting their period while wearing a white suede mini skirt.

Our first entry is from Jessica, it’s actually not that embarrassing (unless you find going to Comic Cons embarrassing), but it is full of soul crushing disappointment:

Okay, so, I was attending a Comic Con in New York in 2007 because my boyfriend got us a free hotel room for doing a little reporting on the convention for a blog. Comic Cons are incredibly boring if you aren’t into that subculture or buying miniature, sexy Harley Quinn statues.

However, there was a Degrassi panel and my boyfriend told me Jake Epstein would be a guest. I’d been watching Degrassi: TNG for years, since I was a sophomore in high school, and I was pretty attached while completely aware that it was ridiculous. I cried when the Class of 2006 graduated. Craig’s insanity is one of my favorite things to ever be on TV, so I was jazzed.

Darth Vader gives Degrassi fans the shocker.

I waited to enter the panel’s conference room with a couple 14-year-old girls wearing homemade Degrassi t-shirts, which wasn’t great for my self-esteem. Also, I was suspicious because they weren’t wearing Hell Hath No Fury t-shirts. Well, turns out Craig wasn’t going to be there at all. The special guest was Liberty. Liberty!! I’ve never been so disappointed. She did look really pretty, though. Not wearing overalls probably helped. I’m not going to discuss how long I waited in line to get a photo with her before I became too embarrassed to stand it and left, disgusted with myself.

Thank you for sharing your harrowing tale, Jessica! You braved thralls of teen girls only to be left crestfallen with nary a Craig to be seen. If you have an embarrassing story from your crazy teen years email us at thirtysometeen@gmail.com. We really want to hear how your bathing suit top fell off at the beach or how you got ran over by a go-kart in front of ALL your friends at your 16th birthday party. OMIGAH! TRAUMARAMA!

Kolleen: Oh sweet Jesus, lords and ladies, it’s Cassie’s episode! When it comes to Skins girls, Cassie is my ~dream weaver~ (Letty prefers Effy). So I’m pretty excited about covering this. Remember I am not watching these episodes via Netflix as to preserve the integrity of the music. You can find a listing of the songs in this episode here.

Cassie is waking up from a long night of partying at Michelle’s house (her mum has gotten remarried ~again~, prime partying opportunity). Ewwwww. She has goo all over her hands! Is that vomit? We all know Cassie has eating issues, and it sure does look like vomit.

?!?!

Nope, we’re safe. It’s just like, tapioca or something because this party obviously devolved into a food fight at some point. Cassie stands in her underwear and she is pretty thin 😦 (I’m not going to screencap that, because I don’t believe in having a screencap used as weird pro- ana fodder). She stands over a nude Chris, who has “I like boys” written in lipstick across his butt. Jal asks something I’ve never understood about the size of penises (I literally can not grasp what she asks here, someone clue me in– something about action stations? Is this a British thing?) and Cassie says “Poor Chris,” implying that Chris is not… well endowed. Or maybe he is? I have no clue.

She pulls on a gold dress that I COVET.

Screencap found on Tumblr

In the kitchen she notices that today is the day Michelle’s mum is supposed to come home. She sees Anwar praying outside and asks him if his God is listening; he says he hopes not, otherwise he’ll know about all the drugs he did the night before. Cassie thinks he’s cute. Anwar verifies the date and she goes to tell Michelle, who is half asleep and lovingly calls her a crazy bitch and insists that her mum is due back tomorrow. Idiot. Before she leaves, Cassie kisses a passed out Sid on the forehead, leaving a lipstick imprint of her mouth.

Of course as she’s leaving, Michelle’s mom and her new douchey husband pull up. They exchange pleasantries and Cassie makes a break for it as Anna tells her she’s looking much better. Malcom body shames her as he is a piece of crap. As they enter the house, Anna screams, and everyone jumps out windows and the like. Seems right.

On the bus home, Cassie finds a note in her bag that says “EAT!”. She watches the other riders eating carelessly and is sad because she can’t do that. Having an eating disorder is the worst.

EAT

She arrives home, where her parents are basically banging on the kitchen counter as her baby brother stares at them from his high chair. They’re artists so I guess they’re way more sexually expressive and comfortable with their bodies than, say, normal people. She lies about eating at Michelle’s and her dad basically runs upstairs. Cassie asks if she can watch the baby for her mom, and reminds her that it’s her last clinic day and that she’s certain she’s gained the last half kilo needed to terminate therapy. Her mom is psyched for her in that “great, shut up, I want to bone your dad” way. As Cassie changes her brother and puts him down for a nap, she can hear her parents banging in the next room. Yuck. So she pops something– E? I don’t know. I’d do drugs too if I were surrounded by these wackos. Also, what in the hell is up with this painting?

Also there is a painting of her mom ironing in the nude hanging in their kitchen– no wonder Cassie doesn’t eat

She then gets a text message from an unknown number that says EAT! Confused, she looks out the window, but no one is there.

Later, she comes down the stairs in yet another outfit I covet (green shirt with elephant applique; white pleated skirt), as her dad is painting her mom who is once more posing nude. Yuck. She reminds him the taxi is coming to get her, and he has no idea what she’s talking about. It’s really infuriating– these people know nothing about their daughter’s therapy. They’re totally wrapped up in their own weird crap. In the taxi, Cassie shoves weights into her underwear or skirt or whatever. Alan, the taxi driver, teases her a bit, and says he’ll miss her since she’s being discharged He’s like the dad she should have; they even say they love each other. It’s very sweet. She passes her weigh in, obv, and when she goes into the hall another ED patient is water- loading in order to make weight. Unfortunately the nurse doesn’t take her in quickly enough, and she runs down the hall toward the bathroom. Cassie meets with her doctor, who seems like a fake bitch to be honest, and as it turns out is Abigail’s mom (Abigail from the other episode, the one with the speech thing!). This doctor doesn’t even remember Cassie’s name. This is pretty spot on when it comes to mental health care nowadays. Cassie kisses her on the cheek to thank her and it makes the doctor melt down in an OCD fit. Cassie then attends her last group session, and who do we have here?

MAD TWATTER PHD

He goes on and on about how some kid screwed him out of a transaction and when he passes Sid’s ID around Cassie suddenly realizes what’s up! She must warn Sid!

Sid’s at school, getting way too many french fries (chips, in England) from a lunch lady dressed as a fish. It’s a little surreal. Also, he hasn’t bothered to look in the mirror today, because he’s greasy as hell AND he still has that lipstick mark on his forehead. Gross. Cassie joins him in a third outfit I love (yellow shirt, gray sweater, weird necklace with lizards on it). She notices he’s super gross and he explains he came straight to school. She arranges his food all weirdly and he confronts her about her eating habits. She demonstrates how she disguises her lack of eating, which he is sort of impressed at and also kind of bullshit over. While she’s showing him how she messes with her food she drops hints about how his ID is missing. This distracts him, which is the point. He says it all seems a bit fucked up and she says it’s really nobody’s business, and who cares anyway? He says he cares. Just as they are about to have a moment, Tony comes in, singing the praises of omega fatty acids. Tony points out that he has lipstick on his forehead and berates him for being a gross-out. Cassie saves the day by spilling Tony’s drink all over his pants. As Sid is leaving Cassie tells him Mad is out to get him, and of course Sid acts like he just found out his cancer has AIDS. As he runs screaming for the hills, Cassie notices his chips spell out “EAT”.

EATTTTT

We cut to Tony drying his pants off in the female staff locker room, where Angie is butt ass naked. Tony explains that the other dryer is broken. Then Sid walks in, to Angie’s chagrin, THEN Chris walks in! Chris tells them not to look at Angie and Angie tells them to GTFO. She acts annoyed, but when she leaves she looks at her boobs and says “Still got it”, which is something I do and say every day.

Cassie spies on Sid from the balcony at school, saying “look up if you like me”. He doesn’t look up.

In class, Angie asks Sid what’s bothering him and tries to make it all about her boobies. Sid explains to her that he owes someone a lot of money, and she tries to help him out, but when he tells her he never paid for 3 oz. of pot she tells him he’s fucked. I like teachers who are honest and down to earth. Chris comes in and half apologizes, half hits on Angie. Foreshadowing!

Cassie keeps getting “EAT” text messages and assumes they’re from Sid. But Sid and Tony are deep in discussion about what to do about the safety of Sid’s testicles. They’re barely listening to the teacher, who is trying to tell them that he’s going on holiday and they will gave a substitute. Do you know who that substitute will be? Can you guess?

Well now Sid is done for. He has a panic attack outside and everyone slaps him to have him come to. Then they all leave him because they don’t want to get involved. Some friends. Cassie misunderstands Sid’s phone usage (begging his mom to come get him) as she gets yet another message telling her to eat, and tells him he’s sweet but it’s unnecessary. Sid is rude to her, telling her he’s got problems of his own and he’s not messaging her. Poor Cassie. She tries to show him her phone and he tells her there are no messages. She leaves, embarrassed. She goes home to see her family all having a great time without her and, dejected, runs upstairs and opens a drawer full of candy (England has the best candy).

mmmmmmmm

Instead of eating the candy, she makes a call– not to her therapist, but to Alan the cab driver. She meets him at a diner and tells him about Sid, and the messages. If you notice, the word “EAT” is lit up behind her. She asks him who is telling her to eat, and he says she doesn’t need permission to eat. He reassures her that he loves her and she begins to eat her burger.

It’s pretty heartbreaking that the only person who has time to help Cassie in her life is a taxi driver for a mental institution, but I think Alan’s character is very sweet and endearing. I love him to bits. Sometimes help comes in the unlikeliest of places.

Covering Cassie is a bit bittersweet for me, because I suffered from an eating disorder for a lot longer than I like to admit. That being said, February is National Eating Disorder Awareness Month and next week is NEDA Week, so I will break from my jovial character to say that if you or someone you love needs help with an Eating Disorder, please click this link for help and resources.

From this episode:

-“What are you on about” is my favorite British saying. It’s so much better than “what the hell are you blathering about”, which is what I usually say.

Kolleen: Hey everyone! I know it’s late here on this very special day, but it’s never too late to give someone you love a Degrassi themed Valentine! Besides, you still have at least 3 more hours (EST) and everyone knows all the Valentine’s Day fun really begins at night (wink, nudge). So print these out and give them to your loved one. Our Degrassi themed Valentines say “Your love has shot me right in the spine’! And they’re way better than those carnations you get for a dollar in high school.

Letty: AND WE’RE BACK. It was my intention to write like two more posts last week, so we could catch up a bit before Monday’s new episode aired, but instead I watched episodes of Salute Your Shorts (kinda holds up), played Candy Crunch Saga, and drank a lot of Prosecco. What do you want from me? I am not a machine. Sunday I finally got around to watching episode two. It didn’t blow my mind, but I liked it. This show is so earnest y’all, SO DAMNED EARNEST.

We open with mega close up shots Sebastian and Carrie’s staring adoringly at each other. We get multiple lingering shots of their eyes and mouths. I guess to remind you that youth is fleeting or something. These two people are so very pretty. Annasophia Robb’s eyes are tremendously gorgeous. They make mine look like two dog turds shoved into some eye sockets.

Carrie and Sebastian are mostly a couple. She is still grounded so they can only see each other during school. They don’t really get anytime alone because that twazzer Donna is always in the way. Sebastian is about to kiss Carrie up against a door when it opens and Carrie’s friends, Mouse (the Asian), Walt (the closeted gay), and Maggie (who I previously dubbed Makeup Face) appear. If I were Carrie I would have given them all a verbal dressing down at lunch for ruining her hallway make out opportunity. Making out in the hallway gives you a lot of high school street cred. It’s classy.

Back at home, Carrie explains in her voice over that being grounded isn’t actually so bad because it has brought her closer to her little sister Dorrit. They are just palling around, washing the car, spraying each other with water. I find it all pretty boneriffic, really. Many a Cinemax movie of my youth had scenes that started just like this but ended very differently. Vanilla dad comes out and notices that his daughters are bonding. He just can’t help but get in the spirit and sprays both of his teenage daughters down with the hose. Oh Bradshaw family, you are the epitome of fun!

Later that evening Carrie is up in her bedroom talking to Sebastian on the phone. Since he is a bad boy rich kid, he is trying to get Carrie to sneak out to have dinner with him and his parents at the Country Club. There is a lot of sensual rubbing in this scene, so much so that they have to split the screen to show all feet rubbing and phone cord stroking that is going on. I think it’s supposed to symbolize something guys, kind of like the burning trees in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “Young Goodman Brown”. Do you think she’s going to sneak out? I certainly would. But Carrie is a good girl of course, so she resists Sebastian’s temptations.

Also resisting temptation is gay boyfriend, Walt. Maggie is trying her damnedest to give him a blowie and he is outright turning her down. I don’t know why he can’t just imagine that it’s Jake Ryan knobbing on his bob, but he tells Maggie that he wants their first time to be special, not in her bedroom while her parents are in the other room watching television. This doesn’t seem to set off any alarms for Maggie, as she must not know any other teenage boys. Walt is so handsome and sweet though, I wish I had a gay boyfriend.

Sebastian is having dinner at the Country Club with his family, when who walks in? That megahooch Donna LaDonna of course. It’s like she has Terminatwhore vision, she sets her sights directly on Sebastian and goes in for the kill. Once seated, Donna entertains the entire table with a compelling story about her tiny gold bikini. All the men at the table are riveted, except for Sebastian. He is pouty. He thinks the Country Club is LAME, but Donna says that perhaps he just hasn’t seen it through the right eyes, and offers him a tour. He accepts, because he is not an idiot, and is spied leaving with Donna by Mouse who is also at the Country Club having dinner with her family. Mouse is a good friend, and calls Carrie immediately to alert her that Donna has dug her harlot talons into Sebastian. Carrie is right to be worried, because boy howdy, does Donna have some big ‘ole DSLs and no doubt knows how to use them.

Damn girl!

Once outside, it’s NO HOLDS BARRED. They smoke a joint, have a beer, and Donna is almost literally throwing herself at Sebastian. She does the ‘ole “lay your head in a dude’s lap” thing and even proclaims that she lost her virginity on the bench they are sitting on. HOLD UP. Who loses their virginity on a bench?!?! That shit is trashy. I am tres impressed. Mouse, on the phone with Carrie, backpedals some because she got Carrie all worked up into a moderate frenzy, and tells her to just talk to Sebastian at school the next day. Asians are very reasonable people.

Well, it’s the next day at school and Carrie is walking with Sebastian and asks how his evening was. He claims it was “uneventful”, but then Donna strolls up with her minions looking all smug and shit, and hands Sebastian his jacket. She purrs, “Thanks for warming me up.” while looking directly into Carrie’s sad face. Well played Donna, well played indeed. Sebastian apologizes, and via flashback we see that Donna went in for the kiss and Sebastian rebuffed her. What a good dude! He admits to smoking pot, but that he didn’t want Carrie to know. See, Sebastian just has to let loose and party sometimes, he is a man, and has partying needs. He asks Carrie if everything is okay with them, and her mouth says yes, but her face says NO, no, No. BTW, this entire conversation took place while Carrie was wearing this gem of an outfit:

HORSE PANTS.

Carrie and her friends are at lunch and they are advising her what to do with Sebastian. Maggie says she needs to make more time for Sebastian and get on with the boning already. They diss the predatory Donna some more and Walt sits there and looks uncomfortable. Later Carrie placates poor Maggie by saying she is sure that Walt really is waiting for the right time to slip it in.

Later that day, or the next day or whatever, I wasn’t really paying attention, Carrie is at her internship. She overhears her shrew of a coworker, Barbara, talking about a hot date she has that evening. Barbara gives Carrie a shit ton of work and leaves. Once Barbara leaves, Carrie immediately makes a phone call to Larissa, her smoking hot British black friend who works at a magazine. Larissa answers on her Zack Morris type cell phone, which lead me to look up when the first cell phone was made (1973 ~the more you know~), and tells Carrie that they need her splatter purse for the photo shoot TODDDDAY. Carrie has to decide what to do, should she stay and do all that boring office work, or book it to some burrough to bring Larissa the purse? Duh, the title of this episode is “Lie to Me” so she lies to Barbara and tells her some crap about taking some files to the printer and takes off. Before she leaves, she gets a phone call from Sebastian, and he invites to a BLUE OYSTER CULT concert! ::swoon:: Sebastian, I’m burning, I’m burning, I’m burning for you. She gets caught on the phone by Barbara, who tells her that the work must be done by sometime in the afternoon and to bring her some Chinese food on the way back from the printers. Gotta pregame for that date, huh Barbara.

Back at school, so I guess it is the same day, Maggie is being all sexy like with Walt. Poor poor Maggie, she just wants to get hers, and Walt pushes her away and tells her to stop acting so desperate. Shit man, that is UNACCEPTABLE, Walt. I understand your plight, but you just don’t say that to a girl! Walt stalks off and Maggie looks after him dejectedly and slumps her way down the stairs like an undersexed Eeyore.

Dontchu worry girl, you’ll get yours.

MONTAGE! Carrie is at the fashion shoot and it is oh yeah whoo super eighties fun! Carrie immediately gets distracted by all the colors and glamour. She is standing there holding a zebra by the leash when she remembers that she has shit to do! Before she leaves, Larissa gives Carrie the sage advice of, “Fake it til’ you make it” and a fugly Dior scarf. Thanks Larissa, you are a great role model. Well, Carrie hustles her cute little ass back to the office, and she is only thirty minutes late.

Carrie Bradshaw blow up doll

I am routinely thirty minutes late everywhere I go, so I applaud Carrie for being on time. Carrie’s dowdy coworker Barb is less pleased though, and accuses Carrie of cruising by because she is young and cute. Carrie shows that broad what’s up though, because she completed all of her designated tasks (and more!), then gives Barb the fug ass scarf for her hot date. Fake it til’ you make it Care Bear!

At home, Carrie shows Walt a picture from the shoot. It’s not even a Polaroid, so I don’t know how she got it. It’s the 80’s REMEMBER!? Dorrit is upstairs with her super cool friend, hanging out and putting on copious amounts of eyeliner. Super cool friend wants to hang out, but Dorrit says she has to hang out with her SISTER at the swim club instead. Downstairs, Mouse shows up and alerts Carrie that Donna is really working it when it comes to Sebastian. She even had the gall to give Mouse a fake compliment. BIIIIITCH. She tells Carrie she needs to get on that shit FAST, so Carrie decides to add another another fib to her web of lies, and the next day, tells Sebastian to meet her at the swim club, where she told her Dad she’d be. That’s not so much of a lie really, just leaving out some key information. Dorrit is disappointed to find that her sister has dissed her for some dude at the swim club and skulks home.

Meanwhile, Walt finally decides he’s ready to smash Maggie and get it over with, but ‘ole Mags is getting her rocks off with some cop. Apparently this was established last episode, but I somehow missed it. After Maggie and the cop bangarang, she asks him to “lie with me” which is the title of the episode! I love/hate when they do that! While Maggie is getting hers, Carrie is at the swim club having more wet kisses with Sebastian. I hope they somehow manage to squeeze in sexy pool make out scenes in every episode, because I dig them.

BOOOOING

Anyway, they are hardcore smooching, when bland Dad walks in. He was concerned about why Dorrit came home early and went down to the swim club to see what happened. Dad is understandably bummed that his precious daughter lied to him and they are walking to the car when Sebastian comes out to apologize. He introduces himself and gives Dad a firm handshake (he can give me a firm handshake anytime, amirite ladies?). It turns out that Dad knows Sebastian’s father, and just like that, well, after a heart to heart, he forbids Carrie to see him.

It is dark now, and a very doleful Walt has been waiting outside of Maggie’s house for seemingly hours. He admits that he just doesn’t love her and that they should break up. Even though she was just getting stuffed by a cop, she is very upset. She says she will change (oh girl, no) and Walt is like, “Can you change your vagina into a penis?”. Then we all have them feels. Poor Maggie and Walt, I’m sure they will find ~happiness~ in due time.

The next morning Carrie tries to make up for her bad behavior by making her dad a couple of poptarts, frosted strawberry, his favorite (mine too, me and bland dad are soul mates!). All it takes is breakfast pastries and forbidding your daughter to date someone to bring a family together. Later that evening, Carrie puts the picture of her purse in her diary, then goes to makes amends with Dorrit and asks if she wants to watch a movie with her. Carrie suggests The Wall and Dorrit says, “What’s the point if you’re not stoned?” YOU’RE SO RIGHT DORRIT. Dorrit instead offers up a bootleg copy Purple Rain which I highly approve of. I was once Purple Rain era Prince for Halloween, and the resemblance was uncanny. They are all settled in to watch the movie when Sebastian shows up at the door to take her to the Blue Oyster Cult concert. She tells him that she can’t go, and he is cool with it, probably because Donna is waiting legs spread in the backseat of the car. After the movie Maggie shows up and tells them that Walt broke up with her, and they all commiserate over saltine crackers and jelly. I think maybe Walt actually broke up with Maggie because she is a behemoth. Look how she towers over her friends!

You are crushing me.

Anyway, cracker sandwiches, friendship, 80’s, YAY! Dorrit calls them all lame, and I agree, but was jealous of their saltine sandies. Onward and forward to episode three!

Number of times I was distracted by Carrie’s hair: 5

Number of sweaters that I wish I owned: 17

Number of sweaters I do own: 1

Number of times I was impressed by Donna’s bawdiness: 69

Kolleen: One thing is certain, I love everything Carrie wears. If she had worn clothes like this in the original show, I would have watched it a lot more. Or ever. Also, I lost my virginity the way respectable ladies do– by waiting until my dad left the house. Unfortunately for my gentleman caller, he came back for a bit and I had to hide my suitor in the closet on the hottest day of the year. For an hour. Sorry about that, buddy.

Okay, let me preface this by saying I am not a big fan of Sex in the City, in fact, we can go as far as to say that I despise Sex in the City. I do not give a shit about Charlotte or Samantha, and I think Sarah Jessica Parker’s face kinda looks like a foot. An attractive foot, but a foot. When women were running around WEARING SHIRTS that said, “I’m a Miranda” or “I’m a Samantha”, it made me genuinely concerned about society. So it is with much trepidation that I enter the world of a young Carrie Bradshaw. There has been a positive response and it seems like people have really been digging on this show, so I have been wooed into watching it. It is about teenagers and set in the goddamned 80’s, so let’s ride this horse! I’m ready to rodeo. There have been four episodes aired already, so we’re going to do a little bit of catch up. Let’s jump in, shall we.

The show opens with the signature Carrie Bradshaw voice over. This bitch never stops narrating shit in her head. It is a constant stream of consciousness like that William Faulkner book you had to read in high school (I know the title, but I am being purposefully daft.) If my inner thoughts were voiced, then everyone would know just how much I liked hot dogs and William Zabka. Anyway, Carrie, played by AnnaSophia Robb (who looks distractingly like a young, fresh Lohan sibling), wakes up from a recurring dream. She’s dreaming big, dreaming of the BIG APPLE THAT IS. Right now it is 1984 and she’s living in Connecticut. It is the first day of her junior year and Carrie wants to be a writer, she says the key to being writer is “figuring out who you are, finding your voice”. I guess that makes me a 12-year old mean girl stuck in a 30 year old’s body, but we all knew that. To remind everyone that it is the 80’s Modern English’s “Melt With You” plays in the background as Carrie roots around in her closet for an outfit. ~*TYPICAL CARRIE*~

We find out that Carrie has a sister named Dorrit, which I didn’t know was a name until I watched this show. Dorrit is 14, and looks like she likes The Smiths. Carrie stalks into her sister’s room looking for mom’s purse. She finds pot in the first drawer of her sister’s she opens, so we know that Dorrit is a rebel. After that Carrie and Dorrit have a mini slow-motion cat fight over mom’s purse that is really odd, but I LIKE IT.

Oh those Bradshaw sisters!

It turns out that mom’s purse is a big deal because Carrie’s mother passed away 3 months ago from cancer. Carrie and her blandly attractive father (Matt Letscher) have a tender talk about how she has nothing to wear to school because her mother was the one who used to take her back to school shopping. Dad lets her pick out something from her mom’s untouched closet, and pointedly tells Carrie that she can’t wear a certain green and white dress because it is the dress her mom wore on her last birthday. Carrie picks out a pair of her mother’s chic sunglasses and sets off to school.

Carrie arrives at school wearing an outfit remarkably similar to what I am wearing right now. Everyone stares at her because she is the “freak who lost her mom.” She gets some fake sympathy from the queen bee bitch of the school Donna, who strolls up with her lackeys, all sporting spurts of neon. Donna is just using Carrie’s tragedy for her own personal gain. What a B. Carrie, to her benefit, sees right through her and is nonplussed. We meet Carrie’s friends, an Asian girl named Mouse, some other girl with lots of makeup, and Makeup Face’s gay boyfriend. For some reason I never caught Makeup Face’s name, so SBT. Also making a grand entrance is the new boy in school ~~Sebastian Kidd~~. Sebastian (Austin Butler) has been kicked out of three boarding schools, and projects a definite young Spaderesque vibe (he wishes).

I just died in your arms tonight. WS

Sebastian walks right up to Carrie and says, “I heard about your mom.” Whuh, huh, HOW? WHAA? It turns that Carrie met Sebastian over the summer at the swim club.

EEEE! Even though school JUST started there is a school dance coming up. Everyone has a significant other to take to the dance, expcept Carrie. Even Mouse has a boyfriend who is in COLLEGE named Seth Glassman, who SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY TO. She describes it as “putting a hot dog in a keyhole.”, which is a wonderful and disgusting mental image. Makeup Face has also lost her virginity, so Carrie is the only one who still has her v-card. The girls encourage Carrie to ask Sebastian to go out on a triple date, or even better, ASK HIM TO THE DANCE.

Carrie walks and ponders this and sees Sebastian sitting on a bench reading Rolling Stone. She sits down and they have a deep conversation. Sebastian thinks it’s cool Carrie has so many thoughts in her head (his words, not mine), and he professes that he is just a boring rich kid who’s mom ran off with the tennis instructor. Sebastian grabs Carrie’s hand and she has a flashback to a steamy pool kiss they shared, which just so happened to be Carrie’s very first kiss. Y’all my first kiss was not even close to being this good. I’m just saying is all.

Get it girl.

Carrie figured she’d never see him again, until he showed up at her school. Carrie is about to ask Sebastian out, but she really sucks at it, and while Sebastian is waiting eagerly, she spies her dad walking down the hall. She is reminded of when her father came to school to tell her that her mother had passed away, and she faints in Sebastian’s arms at the memory. It turns out that her dad came all the way down to school to tell that he got Carrie an internship at a law firm in Manhattan. YES, THE MANHATTAN THAT IS IN NEW YORK CITY! Carrie is overjoyed, but to really make things right, she needs to have mom’s purse.

Once home, Carrie busts into Dorrit’s room and starts snooping around AGAIN, and decides to look inside a sketchily large teddy bear. It turns out that Dorrit is a bit of a klepto, because she has all sorts of shit stuffed into that teddy bear, including mom’s purse. I forgive Dorrit, because she is wearing the best sweater ever.

Bitch, you betta gimme that sweater,

When Carrie pulls out mom’s purse she finds it splotched with nail polish. What will Carrie do? Spill some more goddamned nail polish all over it of course. This is the 80’s after all, so she splatter paints the shit out of the purse, then carefully paints her name in cursive. It is gorgeous, in the jankiest way possible. This is a Carrie Bradshaw original y’all. She is so creative. By decorating this purse, she is really finding herself, proving she is ready to take Manhattan or something.

The school dance is that night, and it is also Carrie’s first day at her internship. Carrie and her father are in the city, and she promises to go straight from the train to the dance. He steps back look at her in her flowered blouse and realizes that his little girl has blossomed in to a ~young woman~. “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes is playing in the background. This song has always annoyed me, but it is admittedly fun to sing when you have a cold and your voice is all scratchy. Then in ~*TYPICAL CARRIE*~ fashion, she gets knocked down by someone on the sidewalk and gets a run in her stockings. She’s gonna have to go bare legged to the law office, DECLASSE! Some stuffy broad gives Carrie the ins and outs of the office, sets her up with some busy work, then busts her gauche ass for not wearing stockings. She sends Carrie to Century 21 on her lunch break, and there, we see 80’s heaven.

Valhalla, I am coming.

Century 21 blows young Carrie’s tiny little mind. Understandably so, because guys, there is a woman wearing MULTIPLE fanny packs there. As Carrie peruses through the clothes, a gorgeous black woman with awesome eye shadow walks up to Carrie, screeching about her purse and starts grabbing at it like a needy toddler. Carrie immediately over reacts and shoves the woman away forcefully. It turns out the lady, Larissa (Freema Agyeman), is British, which makes her even more smoking hot, and she works at Interview magazine. She thinks Carrie’s bag is the shit, and wants to shoot it for the magazine. Larissa is the epitome of all that Carrie wants to be, worldly, fashionable, hip, trendy–SHE IS NEW YORK. She convinces Carrie to help her steal a heinous outfit and invites her out to a club called Indochine. She tells Carrie that she collects people the way other people collect art. ERRRR, but whatevs, Carrie seems into it. Larissa also seems to be under the impression that Carrie is in her early twenties, which Carrie fails to deny.

Back at the law firm, Carrie calls Mouse and finds out that Sebastian called to get Carrie’s number. OMG, he wants to go to the dance with her! Should Carrie go to the dance with Sebastian or meet Larissa at the club? What a quandry! While pondering this, her dowdy coworker brings in a dress that has arrived for Carrie. It is a hot pink little polka dotted number that her coworker says looks like something “that singer who takes the lord’s name in vain” would wear and that she would never wear anything like that. RUDE. Carrie slips on the dress, hails a cab and her never ending inner monologue wonders which way she should go. She chooses the club, duh. Meanwhile, back in Connecticut, Dorrit is sneaking out of the house wearing an army jacket ala Lindsey Weir, and is up to no good.

Carrie arrives the club, but not before the show chooses to remind the audience AGAIN that it is set in the 80’s in New York with a really weird and unnecessary bumper with stills of Andy Warhol, Debbie Harry, and a boombox. At Indochine, Carrie is surrounded by artists in an array of all different ethnicities. There are even gay men there! New York! While Sebastian is at the school dance alone, getting picked up on by queen bee Donna, Carrie is having a great time, drinking champagne, and getting sandwiched by dudes on the dance floor. All of a sudden it’s midnight and Carrie has to book it to catch the train home. Carrie is no longer a virgin. She just lost her virginity to MANHATTAN. ::dies::

Carrie is picked up at the train station by her closeted gay friend and sees Sebastian in his PORSCHE 911 (oooh!) with Donna toking on a joint. He tells Carrie, this isn’t what you think it is, and she retorts, “It’s EXACTLY what I think it is.” ICE BURN! It looks like lil’ baby Carrie Bradshaw grew some balls in the big city of New York. Not that it should matter to Sebastian, he’s probably gonna get a sweet handy from Donna. Carrie arrives home to see cop cars outside of her house, she thinks they are for her, but hold up! Dorrit is missing! It’s probably only been a few hours, but the cops really seem to care in Connecticut. Well, Dorrit turns up the next day, and slight drama ensues with Dorrit giving Carrie the ‘ole “You’re not my mom!” spiel. Carrie stalks up to her room and dad comes in for yet another tender heart to heart. They hug (of course) and he grounds her for coming in past curfew, which is what mom would’ve done. I have to mention that Carrie is wearing a super great shirt that features both STRIPES and POLKA DOTS and I am super envious of it.

Girl, I feel your pain.

Later Mouse turns up and tells Carrie that she’s been calling her college boyfriend Seth, and he just hasn’t returned her calls. Mouse starts crying and laments about how Seth could have sex with her then treat her like this. Welcome to life Mouse. Much voice over ensues, with Carrie philosophizing, “We imagine our first kiss, but we never imagine our first heartbreak.” HEAVY. Dad is finally ready to clean out mom’s closet, and the entire family does it together while “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” plays in the background. The symbolic green and white dress goes to Dorrit, who is also blossoming into a young woman? I guess.

Carrie meets up with Sebastian at the swim club and they start splashing around, just like old times, while Donna’s minions look on. Later Carrie starts writing in some notebooks that she found in her mom’s closet. Guys, she’s doing it! She’s really becoming a writer. Cue shot of her walking the streets of Manhattan in the sparkliest dress that has ever been created. THE END.

Carrie said in her voice over you should open your heart to new beginnings. Should I open my heart to this show? Signs point to no, but I like what’s bad for me. I have three more episodes to catch up, so I’ll be back soon!

Kolleen: Wow. I had reservations about this show, but it seems pretty on- point. I love the 80s and I people with weird names. Also my first kiss was behind the public library. Man, I was a dork. I’ll never make it in Manhattan.

Kolleen: Hey guys! Guess what? We got movie passes as a belated Christmas gift so my husband, our friend and I went to a double feature last night. I insisted on Warm Bodiesfor research purposes (and because I wanted to pretend I was on a date even though our friend was with us). I thought it was ADORBZ. ADORBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Also we were the oldest people in the theater (at 31, 32 and 33). I swear the entire audience was in 8th grade.

Look at this thing of beauty. He is a joy forever.

While the pace is pretty slow until the end and you may groan by realizing Hoult’s character is named “R” and Theresa Palmer is named “Julie” and they may be playing off of Romeo and Juliet a bit (I didn’t read the book, so I can’t say if this is explored more– if you’ve read the book please let us know how it was!), you will at the least be mildly entertained and at most think it was a lovely blend of ~romance~ and horror. There’s a good supporting cast (Rob Corddry, John Malkovich, and Analeigh Tipton, who I am ashamed to say was recognized by MY HUSBAND as being an America’s Next Top Model finalist) and it’s just cute and clever as hell, man. It’s better than Twilight, anyway. Go see it.

Further reading since I am too lazy to actually write a real review: here you can read about Nicholas Hoult AND about how Skins was a good jumping off point for its actors. And you can see a picture of Hoult looking suspiciously like Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Also, here you can read an actual review of the movie from our friend (and one of my biffles) Brian’s website, Horror Movie a Day, which is closing up shop in April. Check him out if you like horror stuff.

Warm Bodies did well this weekend so if you don’t get a chance to see it tomorrow, go see it this week or next weekend! Remember to let us know what you thought! Stay tuned this week for more Degrassi and Skins recaps. If you have a suggestion for us, please let us know!

(PS The second movie we saw was the new Stallone flick. It was WRITTEN by an 8th grader, I believe. Zzzzz.)