The Huge Myth of Control

There are so many incredible parenting bloggers out there. So many! Often times I read posts and wonder—how did you know that? How did you figure that out? Of course, the bigger question is: How did our parents, and their parents, and their grandparents figure it out?

I wrote this awhile back. It's not entirely about parenting, but it is about control and choices (both Top-10 parenting topics, for sure). In my very first job out of graduate school, I worked in a peds diabetes clinic. This is where I gained the utmost respect for my young patients, the remarkable staff who cared for (and about) them, and the disease itself. It's where I saw how some things we have no power to control unless, that is, we have that power—which, more often than not, we don't.

Who knew that so many years ago I was receiving training for being a parent without even realizing it? (In fact, you can substitute the word "parent" for "social worker," and on many levels it works.) Obviously, when children are younger the issues are different than when children are older. Still, many parents of newborns have told me that, for example, when the baby doesn't want to eat, the baby doesn't want to eat and (ruling out a physical problem), there is nothing that Mom or Dad can do until, well, the baby wants to eat. The "letting-go" part, I think, is a challenging river to cross. But once at the other side, the relationship, particularly as every gets old, can be the relationship it was meant to be because all parties can be...themselves.

I was no expert when it came to diabetes. I think that's why I was perfect for the job.

I was a brand new social worker fresh out of graduate school who found herself (luck?) working at one of the most prestigious teaching hospitals in the world. The medical center was known for its cancer research, but it had money to expand a little-known pediatric endocrinology clinic. The doctors wanted someone young who could relate to the teens and ‘tweens who'd been newly diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. They wanted someone who spoke the same language (slangauge?) to help them cope.

I confess, at the time I did not know the difference between blood and blood glucose. Pumps, needles and monitors were familiar terms, but not in the context of diabetes. During my interviews I'd been honest about my lack of textbook knowledge and was told to leave that to the physicians. Other words were used to describe what my job entailed: I was to help the children grieve, deal, cope, adapt and accept their diagnosis.

"Okay," I said, not knowing how to help these children do all those things but thinking it sounded vaguely like what a social worker was supposed to do. I must have looked confused because one of the interviewers said: "You help them stay in control."

Diabetes is sometimes referred to as a disease of control. You either have it (control) or you don't. Your diabetes is either in control or out of control (often noted in black pen in the clinical chart as "OOC"). Coincidentally, adolescence, like diabetes, is all about control (hormones, blood sugar, take your pick). What the docs (and the parents, I suppose) really wanted was someone who could kind of, gently, convince (control) patients into compliance. I knew, in a deep, gut, intuitive way-but had a hard time putting to words back then-this was never going to work.

Okay, so most kids were in touch with the bummerness of not being able to eat Milky Way bars for lunch or a donut for dinner. But because I didn't know the difference between a bowl and a bolus, I offered little to no advice but asked a lot of questions (I was trying to learn something). In a fairly short time many moved beyond the sadness and segued pretty uneventfully into acceptance. The diagnosis empowered these kids to take control of what they could. Having diabetes offered the opportunity to feel empowered. These kids tested their own blood sugar, gave their own insulin injections, shopped with Mom or Dad to buy the groceries and fixed their own lunches. I didn't know enough to focus on the food, blood sugar, diet and exercise-I referred the kids back to the docs like I was told to do.

I was young and inexperienced when I started that job but enlightened about one thing when I finally left it: Diabetic or not, no one is an expert about your life except you. No one can control you and, by proxy, no one can control your diabetes. The beauty of diabetes, as my young patients taught me, is that control is what you make it.

"no one is an expert about your life except you. No one can control you and, by proxy, no one can control your diabetes. The beauty of diabetes, as my young patients taught me, is that control is what you make it."

So, so true. The only thing we can really control, I think, is how we choose to react to things. That, to me, is all the control we're capable of. And when you think about it, it can add up to a LOT - or not.

Diabetic or not, no one is an expert about your life except you. No one can control you and, by proxy, no one can control your diabetes. The beauty of diabetes, as my young patients taught me, is that control is what you make it.

I just wrote about being KICKED OUT OF THE DENTIST for the 2nd time in 3 months. Why? Because we disagreed on a small point and the dentist needed to retain the control...

Something that stood out to me in your post is that you let the patients talk to you instead of trying to fake it. I'm sure they opened up to you because you allowed them to be the expert--and someone was listening to them.

Our youngest daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes two weeks before her seventh birthday. This came as a total shock to us, not having any relatives or ancestors suffering from it (later on my husband found out that his father, much older then his mother, died of diabetes complications).
After a couple of weeks hiding behind the couch as the syringe was being filled with the insulin, she accepted the change in her life. She started administering her own injections with our minimal help.
We have moved on to the pen, and lately to the pump. She is gaining more control over her condition, not because we are pushing her, but because she wants it that way. Our job is to give her the tools, teach her as much as we can, offer her our support, and allow her to learn as much as she can, to be armed as best as she could be for the ongoing life-long battle.
But even if she did not have diabetes, our role would be the same. Because life IS a life-long battle.

Great topic! Part of my learning how to care about myself, set appropriate boundaries and learn to trust had a lot to do with control, both the reality of it and the myth of it. It's a complicated subject but well worth delving into in order to uncomplicate and de-stress your life.