You know, it’s easy to get depressed around Christmas time. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself as others are so obviously having a good time. Take away the booze, the drugs, the porn etc. etc. and what are you left with? It’s not just about what I can’t do it’s more about what I won’t do. Invitations are left unanswered. Parties unattended. Why go out when I can throw my very own pity party?

This Christmas is miserable for other reasons. My malaise is the countries malaise. Diffident people, unresolved policies, a new President who arrived with such hope and is not delivering. The undeserving bankers partying on the taxpayers dime. ‘The have’s and the have mores.’ Do you remember Bush saying that? I read about whole families in homeless shelters and growing incidence of hunger in the world’s richest country.

My friends are becoming more frustrated and less patient. I only hope that their frustration leads to dissidence and activism. Listen, this is not my fight. This is not my country. Why should I care? Well, I do.

This week I wrote about sexual fluidity and my usual detractors came at me with the usual arguments. One writer challenging my assertion that there is more sexual fluidity than we like to admit posted a link to an interesting piece in the New York Times.

I think that it is worth reading. Rather than proving his point that most men are one thing or another or gravitate toward one or other end of the sexual spectrum it proves only one thing: we tend to ask men the wrong questions about sexuality if we want to hear the truth.

Bisexuality is not the point. Sexual opportunism amongst men is the point. Most men, initially, are simply not honest when asked about their desires, fantasies or experiences. Of the hundreds of men I have spoken to about their sex conduct-when they finally feel safe enough to tell the truth, the truth is always far more complicated and often more harrowing for them to admit.

Our personal and evolving sexuality is far too complicated for most humans to own up to. Sexual honesty is further complicated by the hysteria whipped up by organized religion.

Sexuality is simplified by those at either end of the sex spectrum who are sure (for the time being) of their own desires and cannot be aroused by anything else. These people are in the minority. For the sexually opportunistic when sex options become available those options are gravely considered. Hence the problems many men face with the internet and the availability of previously unseen or considered (often illegal) pornographic images. Men trawling for pornographic images on the internet start by looking at ‘vanilla’ type images but very quickly find themselves looking at and aroused by images of sex acts and sex scenarios that they may never even considered previously. Why do they look at them? Because they can. Once the door is open to this world of taboo it is very hard for most men to close it again.

How many men who are languishing in prison today, their lives destroyed, for looking at illegal images would have ever sought out those images if they hadn’t had the internet? Once, not so long ago, before the internet those criminals might have thought about those things-maybe. They might have had terrible desires or feelings but feelings are not facts.

Feelings are not facts.

Is it only a matter of time before the leap from an imagined world to reality?

The internet takes us very quickly to places that we wish we had never been. From the safety of my own apartment I can explore the darkest reaches of my own mind.

Most of us never have the guts or the inclination or the opportunity to make real what was previously a fantasy. The moment we step from fantasy into reality we create another life.

Tiger Woods will tell a reporter that his wife and family come first. This scene is played out endlessly on TV to confirm that Tiger Woods is a liar. No, Tiger Woods did not lie. Tiger Woods really does believe that his wife and kids come first but he Tiger, like so many men, has multiple lives and like many, many men he compartmentalizes those lives. He has his real life of wife and children and his fantasy life of hookers and escorts. Because of his power, position and social mobility he gets to act out what is usually, for most men, a fantasy.

I serially cheated. I had two lives. My real life with my lover and the discardable life of quick hook ups.

‘It meant nothing’ means something.

I was acting on my most basest desires because I could. Because I had no morality? I balked at writing that but actually I mean it. I had no code of conduct. I had no guiding principles around my sex conduct. I found myself at the mercy of my desires. Is this peculiar to me? No. One does not need to have had a traumatic past to become the victim of ones desire-just ask Tiger.

Sexuality is not as dull as gay or straight or bisexual. It is infinitely more interesting. My detractors want you to believe that sexuality is simple. That they have the answer for all of you-that you are one thing or the other.

The truth is that until we can all honestly, shamelessly tell our sex stories we will never really know.

30 CommentsComments are closed.

Bravo! Couldn’t have said it better. I admire your ability to articulate your thoughts. So many cannot or are not taught to in life. Our own truths are stifled. Sexual fluidity is something our culture still looks at, as if it were a freak show. Oprah doesn’t get it. The ADVOCATE doesn’t get it. What is so perplexing to people? I am thankful to being raised Unitarian and with my father, that I was born to question, to listen to and honor my internal truths.

Wonderful point about compartmentalizing. Those who are morally offended by someone who says “it meant nothing” are making a snap judgement based on emotion and cultural mores. A statement like that needs to be examined with at least an attempt to approach it with objectivity and willingness to understand sexual addiction.
The coincidental airing of Sex Rehab alongside the Tiger Woods scandal is a great opportunity for the public to learn about sexual addiction. It is unfairly shrouded in secrecy and stigmatized because people judge before they can understand.

so after all this i’m left desperate to ask one question.
what you’re saying here is, of course, sadly true.
but–BUT–can a man change if he comes to this realization? and can prison be a catalyst for this change?
i implore an answer, it’s hard to explain–but it’s quite important to me.

You’ve certainly put out some subtle and important ideas in this post, Duncan. I’m glad to see that yesterday’s philosophical pub brawl is in recess for the moment.

I’ve thought a lot about that assertion; that access to evil inevitably leads to an increase in evil in one’s life unless one is protected from it by some kind of personal discipline. I mean, that is a Calvinist view about human nature, that we are all by design flawed and separated from God etc.

I do think anyone can develop morality, whether taught it as a child or not. We can unlearn bad lessons. We CAN change, get better, get stronger. Speaking only for myself, the turning point for me was adopting a daily practice of trying to be more consistently ethical. I try to be compassionate and fair, to myself and to everyone else. Of course I don’t always succeed. That’s why it’s a practice.

I don’t mean to sound like one of my alter egos (Captain Obvious), but I would like to offer you one suggestion in friendship. When you are depressed or saddened by your awareness of the enormous injustices being done to the have-nots (most of us at some point) – perform a service. Do something directly, yourself.
Give something away to someone who needs it more. Offer to help somebody in need, and follow through on it. You can’t feed them all, but you CAN feed one. It’s even better if you do something you know is badly needed, but that you might find personally a bit distasteful. I’m telling you straight, that kind of service will transform you.

And in the meantime, sing more! This is the best time of the year for some of the best songs ever written for any reason. You don’t have to be Christian or believe any of the mythology to get a boost from Christmas music. Holy songs, funny songs, in your language or foreign languages. Don’t just listen. SING!

Hey Duncan…how amazing are you..such a beautiful mind…it sure is the truth..so well written…yes we all have our second fantasy…I have one as well..I fantasized about it for a long time before I started to act on it, that is before internet there is no way that I would have been able to watch gay porn…and go on and jerk off. I don’t want to, but I get a relief from it, so I do it. I found it to be a relief whenever I get venerable, stressed and I believe I am this way because of the sexual abuse that I went through when I was a child.

I find I value people who are real, people who have real thoughts, opinions and ideas that are organic. I seem find them in the most unlikely places. Here I have found you sir and you are real and interesting and human. Thank you for that.

I might be asking a stupid question as I have not read every word of everyone of your blogs…just a few and I would like to know what movies or projects you are working on? I wont believe anything you envision could be anything less than enthralling.

You are right. However, it takes brains to recognize nuance and complexity. For me, one problem with that study is that the only visually showed the men images. Touch is more erotic for me with a woman. Visual is more erotic with a man. Also, do we know whether there can be equal attractions going on at the same time? Or is it processed more one at a time? Bisexual attraction is not a myth, 10-20% of men, when honest, will tell you that.

Re: the NYT article: I am fascinated by the topic of bisexuality. For a long time I believed that it didn’t exist. I believed this because (1) I myself am a female who has been soley attracted to males since the first inkling of puberty, and this has never changed; and (2) I’m a former biologist, and it just made sense to me that people would be genetically wired to be attracted to one gender or the other.

BUT THEN I dated a bisexual man for a while, and it really opened my eyes. He was clearly attracted to women as evidenced by his behavior in bed, but he also had a desire to be with men sexually. He had been sort of semi-coerced into a physical relationship with another male teen when he was in middle school (it’s a complicated story), and I came to the conclusion that this activity led to his later, adult interest in having sex with men. In his case, I feel like he was “born” heterosexual, but circumstances led to his also being attracted to males. So, my mind was changed about bisexuality – I think it does exist. And I believe that more than genetics goes into a person’s sexual preferences.

So anyway, I’ve come to believe that for some people, sexuality is more fluid than I had initially believed. Not everyone is like me – having an early, solid, unchanging preference for one gender over the other.

Duncan, I find you delightful. I enjoyed watching you on the show, but more than that I enjoy your thought-provoking pieces in this blog. In the real world, you and I would likely never meet and by outward appearances we have little, if anything, in common. But so much of what you say here resonates deeply in my heart and mind. Maybe the fact that we are all human and are trying to live a genuine life with meaning and depth is more important than any of our differences should be. Thank you so much for sharing yourself here and your deep thoughts about the complexity of our humanness and the world we live in. Thank you, thank you.

The post asks: How many men who are languishing in prison today, their lives destroyed, for looking at illegal images would have ever sought out those images if they hadn’t had the internet?

The answer seems to be FAR TOO MANY
and for FAR TOO LONG. In the US the
reckless passage of feel-good laws
passed to offer a false sense of
protection of the children, as well
as, the false outrage for the children
have lead to mandatory minimum
sentences of 5 years for (downloading)
these images.

And 15 years for making them.

Then add in the mouthy “haters” who
come by and act like this is too
graceful and that castration and
death penalties would be more fitting.

Obscenity laws are are backward
as our drug policy and, as you
conclude in your piece, they will
remain so as long as sex is taboo.

But can I ask you a question about Kari Ann? You’ve mentioned repeatedly that she does meth and implied she was on meth throughout the show — though everyone was drug-tested (yet she got a pass on her positive tests).

Are you saying she was doing meth while in the unit and filming was occurring? Taht seems almost impossible. Could you clarify?

Presumably drugs were not allowed in the unit. Did she just sneak them in? Did friends bring them in? I can’t believe Dr. Drew would allow the presence of meth in the unit?

Or was she just full of meth from before checking into the unit?

I found the entire show fascinating and while I know you feel Kari Ann detracted from it, I still feel I got a lot out of the show, and it moved me very much. I’ve watched many of the episodes repeatedly.

Paulie, reading your shit is such a waste of time. How do you know so much about the pedo laws and why do you care about reversing them? Most of your posts don’t make any sense and are practically unreadable but it got the message of this one loud and clear.

Your article in The Daily Beast-
However horrible the show has ended up being (which I completely agree it has turned out out to be) I am glad you did it. If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t know about your blog/twitter/you which are all great. Having found my way to your twitter and your blog when I think of you now I think ‘Duncan Roy’, not ‘bitchy gay guy on sex rehab’. In other words, as far as I am concerned you’re not so much associated with sex rehab anymore as you are just ‘Duncan Roy, a man’. If I were to run into you in person now I would say ‘I read your blog’ rather than ‘I saw you on TV’. Hopefully there are a considerable amount of others who have stumbled onto your blog and feel the same.

Oh, I get it now Paulie, you’ve heard of the overzealous laws in a support group.
These are your words, are they not?

” In the US the
reckless passage of feel-good laws
passed to offer a false sense of
protection of the children, as well
as, the false outrage for the children
have lead to mandatory minimum
sentences of 5 years for (downloading)
these images.”

What ‘images’ are you talking about Paulie? I mentioned ‘pedo laws’ b/c it sounded like that’s what you were referring to, esp. since not much is considered obscene w/ adult images anymore. How does my reaction toward your statement make me a homophobe?

No need to divert the subject to your stance on the drug war, I really don’t give a shit. They are separate laws meant for different types of criminals. I don’t see any correlation.

I’ve seen injustice first hand Paulie, I’ve opened my home to 5 different severely sexually abused teens over a span of 8 years. They’re the ones I have empathy for, not you or anyone else who can’t tell right from wrong. I can assure you, you’re the kind of person I wouldn’t let them go near.

What else is there when you take away booze and porn and drugs? Only the key to the freakin’ kingdom! You have no idea the wondrous second act that awaits you, provided you allow your higher power aka your inner child to take the wheel. Now that you refuse to retraumatize, it’s time to take the next quantum leap into every.thing. your. heart. longs. for.

Because you have been disingenuous, and King Duncan–yes King Duncan– is furious with you! And he’s not interested in your pity. You chose a fictional character instead of him! Lucky for you, he may be coaxd out of hiding if you swear to spend the rest of your life making it up to him. As Alice Miller said: “The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body, and although we can repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated, our perceptions confused, and our body tricked with medication. But some day the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, it will accept no excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth.”

The truth shall set you free. As a spiritual psychotherapist and metaphysician whose ultimate betrayal of my inner child is legendary, I cried when I saw your light bulb moment on the show. I have been studying and living the mind/body connection to free myself and know of what I speak. Duncan, Einstein was purported to have said on his deathbed that in the end, there is only one question: Whether one sees the world as malevolent or benevolent. Either way, you are right. I have been through Hell on Earth and believe me when I tell you you just got the best Christmas ever and are about to get the most amazing birthday present ever. Do not bemoan how long it took or any such notion…all is well and is unfolding beautifully.

I would be happy to chat with you if you like. My commitment to my inner child is to enjoy myself, and my inner child has not let me be since I read your blog last night, so since I developed a headache by resisting, I am now capitulating. My time and my phone number is yours if you want it.

P.S. I loved your definition of abundance, and it very rare for me to see anything new and noteworthy enough to write it down.

P.P.S. I added Grace to my name because I earned the grace period I’m in–sure-footedness, peace, and the stillness that displaced the unbelievable cacophony and turmoil that used to be my head! As a student of life, when I was ready, the teachers appeared. Along the way the I met books, movies, music, therapies, dreams, oracles and all manner of assistance to navigate the turbulence. And now, I can tell you: It was all worth it. Every bit of it. And what was my compass? The body that never, ever, ever lies. Period.

What ‘kindness’ of yours are you referring to Paulie? You still haven’t answered the question about what ‘images’ your talking about. Why? Other than that slip up, I have no particular beef w/ you. I could care less about your stances on all of the other issues you have dragged out in an attempt to impress people.

It’s always horrible when someone either implies or states outright that I have alterior motives for taking teens into my home, but I expect that from people like you. You act like you care about all of these causes but don’t have a clue how offensive you are towards people who are actually making a contribution.

I started foster parenting at age 25 for a 16 yr old girl who’s mother was raped and murdered. My older sister, who was in the social services field took in her younger brother. We wanted to keep the family together b/c it was determined the kids shouldn’t be in the same home. After she moved into her own apartment I was asked to help other teens transition several times. I enjoyed those kids on a personal level and never saw them as ‘broken.’ Satisfied?

What have you done besides whine about the strict child protection laws?

Not sure how I ended up reading this blog posting. Google dropped me off.
I have not read what is above… glanced but it seems personal and toxic.
My comment on your post Mr. Duncan is whilst reading GAY was waving flag at me.

The word “gay” arrived in English during the 12th century from Old French gai, most likely deriving ultimately from a Germanic source.[1] For most of its life in English, the word’s primary meaning was “joyful”, “carefree”, “bright and showy” and “optimistic”.

Excuse my placement Gay was waving from up yonder on the “porridge” page. As in

Most gay{bright and showy} men who identify as gay{carefree} are born gay {optimistic} However, a few men (and I count myself among them) are sexualized at an early age. I am plagued with this question: If I had not been so badly abused as an infant would I have become gay {joyful}?
There are many varieties of gay {blithe}.

I think Blithe is a better word then gay for homoerotic tendencies and feelings. My comments are not political or moral just thoughts that have jiggled around a bit.

BTW
I in no way dismiss the pain and confusions of abuse. The realm of terror,abuse and dehumanizing is an all to familiar hell. Bless

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