Bereavement Without End – A Plea From Alienated Parents Everywhere by Tim Line

Bereavement Without End– A Plea From Alienated Parents Everywhere by Tim Line

Bereavement Without End

The death of a child is indisputably one of the most incredibly horrible tragedies one can imagine. Whether by sudden accidental circumstance, or by a more lengthy cause as in illness, the loss of a child is undeniably painful to experience.Painful to the parents, parents to the family, and painful to anyone related to the child. Never knowing the laughter of that child again or the tears, the joys and the accomplishments is a pain no parent should ever have to endure, and yet it happens. No one is to blame. It just happens.

Imagine the same pain and the same sense of loss, with one exception-the parent is very much aware that the child is alive.

The effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome are very similar to the loss of a child due to accident or illness. For the parent who has been alienated from their child, the bereavement does not end. How do we know? Each alienated parent separately, and all of us collectively have lived with both the cause and the effect of Parental Alienation for countless years. Like a terminally fatal childhood disease, Parental Alienation rips the innocent child from your arms slowly. You witness the suffering. You witness the effects. You can feel the impending doom is inevitable, but you are powerless to do anything about it. You try remedy after remedy hoping that one will finally rid your child of the “disease”. You work like a person possessed in order to finance the efforts, and when the final blow comes, it is emotionally devastating. You question yourself. You blame yourself for the loss. You tell yourself you should have done more.

The very sad part of the story, is it is not unique. There are hundreds of thousands of children and parents affected by PAS. We beg of those with the power to make people aware of this devastatingly horrible phenomena, to please do all they can to educate people on its effects, and to change the laws to protect the innocence of the children involved. Only then can we truly hope to keep children safe from the harmful side effects that are inherent with Parental Alienation itself. It’s killing the spirit of family everywhere.

The pain is on real. I beleive it is worse than death. There is no closure. I haven’t spoken or seen my children in 3 years. My oldest just turned 18 and I am fighting my x-husband in court all though he is in contempt. He refuses to let me see my children. I have had false allegation. Which was found not guilty. My bigest mistake was giving him custudy of my children. Ever since then I havn’t seen them…. I cry every day. I have diaganosed with Post traumatic syndrome and deppression. I miss them so much. I never thought I would be without my children. I send them presents and letters to hear that they post terrible things about me on face book when they recieve them. I don’t know how to deal with the hated. How can they depise me. We had such a great realtionship, I love them with all my heart. And they hate me with theirs!!!!

Kerry, Your situation sounds all too familiar. Like someone has passed out a “How to”, book on doing this. I have 3 children, that started as shared parenting. I was bullied into signing on for that. Every time they came home from dads house, they were a little more disconnected from me. Secrets, lies, “don’t tell mom”, spying, and I was accused of abuse. Accusation that the court and GAL found had no merit. It is terrible. I leave gifts and send texts, only to be ignored. Damned either way.
All I know is, my ex cannot take my memories away. I love my children, who are now grown men, 24, 21, 19, and we had some very special times.
I pray everyday for God to step in. I will pray for you too.

Kerry: I am sorry to read about your situation. I read often that alienating parents are in contempt of court. I have stopped counting. Many ignore court orders and believe that he/she is above the law. Because the orders are not followed, estrangement will ensue. Dr. Gardner also described the pain worse than death–there is not closure. However; Do not give up hope. Spread the word about this terrible form of emotional abuse. Stay healthy–for yourself and for your children. Alienated children may very well behave and appear that they hate the target parent, but it is not reality; it is their reaction to brainwashing. There are many support groups to aid in coping with this unfounded rejection. Also, Dr. Warshak’s website, at http://www.warshak.com has great resources and a blog. There are helpful tips from other alienated parents (on his blog). Some have shared different methods on sending cards and letters even when the parent suspects/knows the letters are likely to be returned. You are not alone; there are many alienated mothers and fathers. As a consequence of many ignoring the plea from alienated/rejected parents, many parents have formed support groups. Many are on facebook and some in yahoo. Some are open and others are closed. You may want to check out Mike Jeffries, author of a Family’s Heartbreak; he maintains a list. Also, the parental alienation awareness organization offers many resources. I also have a resource page. Find a support group and get connected with others who understand. I do not think this form of emotional abuse will remain much longer “as a normal reaction to divorce.” It is anything but normal. Regards, Monika

Thank you for your advice and support. I will take any information you have. I am still learning about Parental Alienation. I can’t believe I was so blind all these years. I knew what he was doing was wrong. I just didn’t know there was a name for it. The courts wouldn’t listen. Thanks for caring this is hard on all of us. sincerely,Kerry

Child-Centered Divorce is a support network for parents that provides a free weekly newsletter, articles, coaching, advice and valuable resources designed to promote positive co-parenting before, during and after divorce.http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

Southern California Parents of Alienated Children (PAC) is a support group of targeted parents who meet monthly in person, through Skype and by phone. Members share experiences, resources, information, support and hope. The group’s mission to to prepare members for healthy reunifications with their children.http://www.parentalalienationsupportgroup.com

Learn all that you can. This site offers articles they may add to your understanding of the dynamics

Our alienation is somewhat uncomprhensable to our family and close friends for our sons have never been subjected to divorce or separation, we are very much a married a couple, have been for over 30 years and both sons are ours. For us, it has been going on for over three years now and yes, you are right, it is like a bereavement that doesn`t have an ending for they are still very much alive and alienationg us ?

Hi Clare: I am not sure if you are asking a question, but it may help to clarify terms. The word alienate may or may not suggest separation, but always implies loss of affection or interest. Many parents endure what is known as parental alienation after a separation or divorce. That is, a child has a loss of affection towards one parent. And, while studies indicate that an adjustment phase is normal (about one year) many alienated parents report five, ten, or more years after a divorce that their child rejects them, does not like them, is defiant etc. Being an alienated parent five years or more, is not a normal reaction to a divorce (although some suggest it is). On the other hand, the word estrange implies the development of indifference or hostility with consequent separation or divorcement. Alienated parents may have access to their children (joint custody etc.) While they have contact, the relationship is strained. Stated another way, the relationship is one in which affection is lost; affection is not restored to a previous level. On the contrary, estranged parents do not have contact. Many parents become alienated or estranged after a divorce. It is caused as one spouse will not adhere to court orders and they continue to badmouth the other parent in front of the child. Some of the parents may have a mental illness; others simply need parenting education classes and need to learn appropriate boundaries. While most parents report being alienated or estranged after a divorce, there are also parents that no longer have contact with their children and the couple is together. Many of the posts on this site and others refer to alienation and estrangement that resulted from a divorce. But, as you said, children (and adult children) too can become alienated and estranged. You may find it helpful to read Dr. Joshua Coleman’s book, When Parents Hurt. I am sorry to read about your pain. Losing a relationship with our children, divorce or no divorce is very hurtful. This is a link to Dr. Coleman’s site: http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/books/when-parents-hurt/

I am reviewing the past many years and suspect that PAS has destroyed relationships in my family. Before the seperation 8 years ago, my husband and his family undermined my parenting in many ways. THe worst was that he did one daughters homework to prevent her from being accurately diagnosed with a learning disability. Following the divorce, she was diagnosed with an auditory processing disability but was 16 yrs old. He coached her in refusing and treatment as if I wanted her to have this wrong
I dont really know of him saying bad things to them but at every opportunity he would say that it is their mother that split the family up. He constantly acted depressed and sad and wore torn clothes and shoes with holes in their presence and claimed that he had no money and therefore could not visit with them. When they (teenage girls) would complain about rules, boundaries, or anything else, he seemed to encourage it. It created a lot of conflict between me and them, but the older came around and the younger daughter did not. By her senior year, she refused to eat the food I bought, had a boyfriend that brought her fast food a couple of times a day everyday. She told the psychiatrist that we didnt have milk, told anyone that would listen that we didnt have food. Dad encouraged these lies. When she was 18, she ran off, married this boyfriend, and I have not seen or talked to her in 3 years. She see’s dad and his family regularly but will not communicate with her sister either because her sister tells her that these things are lies when the topic comes up.

For me, it probably is worse than death as there is no closure. However, she is alive and healthy as far as I know-regardless of my pain-this is what I want for her. For me, I feel as though I must begin to think of her as non-existant. I need to find a way to bring about closure. I dont know if there is anything worse than the bond between a mother and child being broken so senselessly and selfishly.

I am sorry to read about your situation. Unfortunately, you described what many rejected parents have endured. 1. undermined your parenting. 2. Every opportunity he would say that it is their mother that split the family up 3. He constantly acted depressed and sad and wore torn clothes and shoes with holes in their presence (making the children feel sorry for him—this creates an unholy alignment). 4. By her senior year, she refused to eat the food I bought, had a boyfriend that brought her fast food a couple of times a day everyday (creating the impression that what you do is never good enough) 5. For me, it probably is worse than death as there is no closure. Dr. Gardner, the man who introduced the phenomenon, also described it worse than death. Not having closure is painful. It is disheartening that some dismiss his work and trash his name.

On a positive note, many are working hard to bring attention to what you have been through. The Parental Alienation Awareness Organization—you may want to get involved. Dr. Richard Warshak has excellent resources. Dr. Amy Baker also has a web-site. You may want to find a support group. Until others agree that this is a form of child abuse, the issue will continue. Parental alienation, unless everyone agrees, will be deemed as nothing more than a normal by-product of divorce. It is not. The key is catching parental alienation early.

This pain is endless, my daughter is 28 and she wants nothing to do with me for almost 15 years now, she took her father’s side when we div’d 15 years ago, she talked rarely and not at all for the past 18 months, it hurts every day. Now she will be married in Sept., my first born and only daughter, and I am not allowed the priviledge to attend and she WILL NOT tell me why she wants nothing to do with me. I am at a loss for words to even send her a card, we have been estranged for so long and it is sad, I really don’t know her. My son is 25 and quite a workaholic, he lives in Arizona and I live in Ohio, I am lucky to see him once a year and talk once a month, he just doesn’t have the time. We get along well, but mainly on his terms, It really hurts my heart.

This is exactly the way I have been describing this feeling that I have dealt with since january 2010. My son just turned 14 last Friday and I have seen him 3 times since Christmas. I have been divorced from his father since 10/2004. As if it couldn’t get worse, his mother moved in and she leads people to believe the mother (me) isn’t in the picture. My ex-sister-in-law lost her teenage daughter in a car wreck and she insists this is just my son’s age. I have 2 other sons and don’t know how to make sure they remain close. I don’t know what to do and yes, it really hurts!

Sheila, it could be ME who wrote your posting. This is exactly what I have experienced with my daughter, she is 26, have not seen or talked to her in 15 yrs. I am divorced from her dad and he alienated her from me. My daughter is also getting married in 2 weeks. I am forbidden from attending and my gifts to her have been returned to me. My heart goes out to you so much. God bless and soothe your dear heart.

. Hi Gina: There are many support groups. It may be helpful to find one in your area. Also, check out the parental alienation awareness organization. Dr. Richard Warshak maintains a blog; part of his blog offers postings of suggestions and tips by parents and grandparents when all contact has been lost. You are right; extended family can add fuel to the fire. You are clearly not alone. There are parents that have not had contact for 10 years or more. Some of the “lucky” parents have contact, but are treated with contempt, instigated and perpetuated by an un-happy ex-spouse. Parental alienation is often started by one of the parents not supporting the other and it is maintained by ignored decrees and parenting plans. Add brainwashing for years on end and estrangement is the outcome. Thank you for your comment.

I have seen one of my my alienated children ( I have two and fighting not to loose the thierd one) after nine years. He was 14 when I saw him last. I could not recognize him but had tThe last I saw him he was tall and skinny with whe feeling it was him. I got of my car stood infront of him and and adressed him by his name. he pretended not to recognized me and asked what did I want? I asked him if he is ……….the name of my son and he said oh no and walked away. I thought it was him but was not sure. He changed so much. The last time I saw him he was tall and thin. New he maybe just as tall but since he gain waight he looked short and chabby. Just like my older boy who is also alianeted. My thoughts at that moment were interesting: If i was looking for revenge here it is. In six more month when my youngest will be 16 I will not have to deal with his father ever again (he got custedy LOL) and I can pretend that this horffice marige have never happend. But he ( my ex) will be riminded for the rest of his life of my exsistenca as all my kids have my body shape and look like me. That thought disapeared very fast as I really do not car for it. But the pain siped throughThe pain of a mother of a son who hates her so much that he pretends not to be himself and not to know her. I know for a fact that I did not do anything to deserve this. I also know that there is nothing I can do to change it. At least not for the time being. He has to realize and face the facts of his life before he will ever come back. The question I have is did any one out there got to the point of starting all over again and having th pain lesson? It is more than eight years now and the pain is hetting me just as hard as it did in the first year. I lost my mother years ago and I know that after 10 year I came to term with her death and the pain subsid. Did not disapeared but was not as strong and today 23 years later it is not pain what I feel when i think if her but just missing her. I would like to hear from orhters who have been in my shoes but for longer.
Thank you to all

You are not alone in dealing with parental alienation for years on end. As the problem has been dismissed for years, parents have suffered for years. Not to mention the children that are now adults–they suffer too. You are also not alone as an alienated mother. You may want to review Dr. Richard Warshak’s page. Also, Dr. Joshua Coleman and Dr. Amy Baker. Dr. Coleman and Dr. Warshak maintain blogs in which other parents have shared their suggestions.

Thank you for putting into words what my soul cries out over the loss of my son due to divorce poison/parental alienation. My ex husband is a practicing attorney and narcissist who intentionally and deliberately alienated our son who was then 12 years old (now 19). The loss of the loving mutual relationship we had remains and no amount of time has dulled the pain. Instead of time making things better, the pain has only remained or intensified as each year passes without being part of my son’s life, milestones are missed, going to bed every night thinking about not seeing them to tuck them into bed, what they are thinking about, how their day went, laughing with them, hearing their voice, what’s going on in their lives, are they sick, hurt, confused, do they even remember us anymore or have they been so brainwashed and removed that it’s as if we never existed which is how they act. There is no closure, no happy ending, only emptiness, frustration, hurt and confusion on how a child you love with your whole heart and soul and took care of, loved, nurtured, laughed with, played with, taught, and captured every moment of their lives could just go on as if you never existed. When he was a child I understood the power and manipulation of the father’s influence, especially at such a tender age, when young boys desperately want and need the approval and affection of their fathers…and they already know mom loves them to the end of the world and back no matter what they could or would ever do. However, now that he has reached the age of 19 and there is still no attempt for contact and blocked attempts at contacts made toward him it wrecks my heart. Although I see no glimmer of reconciliation at this point, I refuse to give up hope because as long as there is breath there is still hope….sometimes I think this expectation of hope only further adds to the injury because it remains open and is never a closed door or chapter in our lives. I pray for all prodigals to find their way back.

What about “us” the parent that is alienated because the adult child is married to someone that wants you out of his life. My son is 37 and had his first child in Aug. I have not seen nor heard from him since my grandson was three days old. I will be 65. Friends that have known me for over 30 years are blown away. Everything I have found on alienation speaks of the problem because of divorce. I did raise my son by myself but his father and I worked together and not bad mouth each other.

Dear Sandy: excellent question. There are many reasons that a child or adult child becomes alienated. Some of the “reasons” are known, or at least the parent may have an idea as to why the cut off was initiated. Other times, the parent is not privy to the cut off. Thus, one day, without warning, the adult child no longer speaks to his or her parent. The difference between parental alienation that most on this site and other sites are speaking of, is parental alienation that is caused by one parent intentionally or unintentionally turning the child against the other. With education, the parents “unintentionally” causing harm will correct their wrong, make it right, and cease their badmouthing and other hateful frolics. On the other hand, the intentional group, as studies show (Jafee et al.; 2010; Kelly, 2010; Baker, 2010) refuse to stop and will not adhere to court orders etc. The children and adult children, as a consequence, become brainwashed. However, you posted that you had an amicable divorce. Certainly it is painful to no longer have contact regardless the “reason” (parental alienation due to an ex-spouse) or, other unknown reasons. With parental alienation, due to a divorce, most of the children have similar manifestations (Dr. Gardner’s eight manifestations). They sound like “mini” adults etc. Most notably, they reject one parent–not both. The reasons for the rejection are trivial, or sometimes are fabrications.

One resource you may want to view, specific to your situation, is Dr. Joshua Coleman. He has a great book titled When Parents Hurt. He also has a workbook. He covers parental rejection not only due to a divorce, but also discusses the happily married (or happily divorced) couples, that are left scratching their heads, wondering….where did I go wrong. He should be commended as he has personally dealt with a cut off and shares this publically. When alienation or estrangement has not occurred in one’s family, it is hard to understand and others are quick to judge. “Dr. Coleman himself experienced several years of estrangement with his adult daughter, with whom he has reconciled. Mending the relationship took time and a persistent effort by Dr. Coleman to stay in contact.”

A portion of the following is from Dr. Coleman’s book: We live in a culture that assumes if there is an estrangement, the parents must have done something really terrible,” said Dr. Coleman, whose book “When Parents Hurt” (William Morrow, 2007) focuses on estrangement. “But this is not a story of adult children cutting off parents who made egregious mistakes. It’s about parents who were good parents, who made mistakes that were certainly within normal limits.”

I tried to contact Mr. Tim Line, when I first read his article more than a year now–just to thank him. His article still stays next to my bedside as a reminder that I am not alone or crazy or ever did anything wrong. As a commenter Misty said, “it puts into words, what my soul crys out”. I use it’s analogy as a way to get people to understand the depth and breath of my pain that is Parental Alienation. I just wanted to thank Tim again for writing this for all of us, and to thank Monika for keeping it on the front lines of communication for anyone else who needed to read it as much as I did and for those who are willing to try and understand.

This article perfectly describes the pain I feel about my 14 yr old daughter “formally advising” she wants no contact with me – yet we are (or were?) really close and have never had the even the slightest falling out. I’ve tried everything I can legally and theres nothing more I can think of – yet I cannot just do nothing. Do you know if there are any support groups in Australia?

It looks to me like a lot of the problem lies with one of the parents basicly “brainwashing” the child against the other parent. Ive seen this happen with both mothers and fathers. These children grow up believing the lies about the other parent. I have been living with that situation for many years. I last saw my children 15 years ago. They are both adults now, and I had hoped they would make contact with me, but they have not. Thier other parent, told them so many lies, and punished them after they were at my house for visitation. They told me they had to act like they didn’t like being with me, or they would be punished. I tried going through the courts, I spent a lot of money I didn’t have for nothing. I finally decided, to let them go. I thought that if I wasn’t around, then it would be less painful for them. They would not be punished for being with me, they would not be tormented by being pulled back and forth. I don’t know if I made the right call on this… and it is way too late to second guess myself, because what is done, is done. I still mourn this lose and probally always will.

steve buchanan :
All true. In addition, I have had to deal with the loss of ‘friends’ and damage to my reputation due to all the false allegations.

toby :
It looks to me like a lot of the problem lies with one of the parents basicly “brainwashing” the child against the other parent. Ive seen this happen with both mothers and fathers. These children grow up believing the lies about the other parent. I have been living with that situation for many years. I last saw my children 15 years ago. They are both adults now, and I had hoped they would make contact with me, but they have not. Thier other parent, told them so many lies, and punished them after they were at my house for visitation. They told me they had to act like they didn’t like being with me, or they would be punished. I tried going through the courts, I spent a lot of money I didn’t have for nothing. I finally decided, to let them go. I thought that if I wasn’t around, then it would be less painful for them. They would not be punished for being with me, they would not be tormented by being pulled back and forth. I don’t know if I made the right call on this… and it is way too late to second guess myself, because what is done, is done. I still mourn this lose and probally always will.

I have spent the last 11 years feeling like know one would ever know the truth about the horrible lies he created to hurt ME. He and his family of Attorneys destroyed OUR daughters’ childhood and memories of a mother who’s love for them was greater than my love for myself, making me walk away from a custody war he created with NO INTENTION of losing. I fought him in court until I lost every thing I had. I had to face a world that believed the allegations of neglect, abuse, exposure to pornography, drugs and domestic violence he alleged against me. None of which were true. My Attorney’s, the girl’s Attorney’s all told me to walk away, as I would never win, due to his FREE, ruthless family of Attorney’s willing to help him legally kidnap my daughters’ via the police pulling them out of my car with emergency, temporary restraining orders accusing me of every horrific crime he could make up. (I have never, ever been arrested!) His accusations and family support somehow became truths over the years to even my own family. I just learned about PAS this past fall, leading me to believe that since my girls tolerated me and did not hate me, that PAS did not apply to us. Well. I was wrong. This past Christmas I actually recognized the sheer disrespect, judgement, and intolerance for me as a person, let alone as their own Mother, that I had heard other Parents describe as the hate that comes from PAS. I felt like I have never felt before. For the first time in 11 years I felt like it was over. He had won the war. They really did hate me. His “Gas-lighting” had finally worked after years of lies, and his captives are now volunteers for his crusade against me. Our story is so much deeper than I am able to tell, as the pain is still very unbearable. They were eventually abused, neglected and deprived but by he and his 20 year old short-term new wife, not me. I heard their screams and cries over the phone and through notes passed by friends, and could not do anything about it legally. I did not see my baby for 5 years. She hates me. He signed my almost 16 year old precious daughter over to a girls home, because they only wanted the baby but could not say I was unfit for her and not the oldest daughter. So………
Well now it is just me and the pain with nothing left to look forward to but another lonely day to come and go. Perpetual Grief and the shame of being someone I never was, but everyone thinks I am. Just “Nobody’s” Mother. Thanks for listening, this is the first time I have been able to write this much.

Hi i understand the grief of a lost of a child and they are still alive. I have been a vicitim of domestic violence and me in the court system for over 12 year my ex-husband has posioned my oldest child and i recently turned custody over to him because of my sons outburst and terrible treatment of his sister and me. Parent alienation is real and there needs to be a federal law against this type of cruelity to a parent no one should live this horror. I will always love my son and wish him the best but, i still have my daughter and that makes all the difference in the world she doesn’t believe my ex-husbands lies. I am a chrisitian an believe one day I will be re-united with my son until then I pray and keep focused on God and my life with my daughter. I wish everyone the best who is going thru similar circumstances. signed perserverance

Hello: I am living in so much pain and have been alienated from my thirteen old son by his father. I haven’t seen him in four months and only talk to him for a couple of minutes twice a week, his father, his attorney continues to accuse me and my family of hitting my son(I never even spanked my child in his life) They are trying everything in their power to keep my son away from me and the courts do not do anything about it. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex husband and he controlled my life. I believe that attorneys, judges, custody evaluators need to be educated about this Parental Alienation.
Felicia

i commented on this post back in 2012 when I could find no support or advice. It is encouraging to see that there are quite a few support groups on the Net now and since then there has been some good research and advocacy by Childress, Woodall and others. But five years since my last comment and my daughter remains alienated. It certainly is bereavement without end.

Parental Alienation Support

This page is to provide support by offering resources and references in regard to parental alienation. It is provided with the understanding that the blog is not providing any legal, mental health, or other professional service. The information is not designed to replace the services of a qualified mental health professional or attorney. This page does not represent the opinion of any professional organization. As a caveat, nothing on this site should be construed as offering professional or therapeutic recommendations. Comments posted on this page do not reflect the opinion of the author.

Ideal Professional Approach and Parental Alienation

Working in an emerging area of practice requires a delicate balance of courage and caution—courage to pursue new paths, caution to ensure the well-being of those we serve. This balance is expressed through the virtue of “humbition:” a fusion of humility and ambition (Warshak, 2002, 2007). Applied to the field of healing disrupted parent-child relationships, humbition allows social scientists and practitioners to balance an ambitious application, extrapolation, and expansion of available knowledge, experience, materials, and procedures with an acceptance of realistic limits to our ability to help parents and children manage the dynamics of alienation. (Warshak & Otis, 2010).

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Texas Premier Counseling Services

Texas Premier Counseling Services

Monika Logan is a licensed professional counselor living in Dallas, Texas who specializes in troubled parent-child relationships and sexual behavior problems. In addition to maintaining a private practice, she created a program to help youth in the criminal justice system maintain boundaries both offline and online and stay connected with their families.