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There seems to be an unending list of articles on the subject of sex, from espousing general attitudes to detailing specific acts. Interesting though many of them are, I believe there is often one missing detail. The basis of great sex is not physical, it is relational. A satisfying sex life is based upon sharing your life and your heart, not just your bed.

We have within us a quiet barometer, which if listened to, will help us sort out truth from theory. There is an inner voice in all of us that speaks sometimes faintly, other times with urgency. It’s a voice we should listen to. When having sex for the first time, that voice will often speak to our fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. Those are natural and real emotions. But when we are confronted with sexual acts that deviate from sex in its most natural form, that voice creates urgency, discomfort, and alarm.

The marketplace of today speaks of the sexual experience as a casual act and also as an experimental one, a form of entertainment to be entered into lightly with no emotional ties. We’re encouraged to try new avenues of sexual activity, with several partners, and to experiment in the process.

This way of thinking belies the real sexual intimacy and fulfillment that is founded in a relationship, not in a physical act. The type of relationship I’m referring to is when a man and woman have a commitment based in love, layered with respect for one another. Not a perfect relationship, but one that strives to care for one another selflessly. A relationship that is built upon trust, and is developed over time. That is the foundation for sex to be fulfilling and complete for both individuals.

This relationship would never ask for something disrespectful, or expect you to be casual without a commitment. They would not ask you for something to which your inner voice immediately reacts in alarm. You may stifle that voice, ignore it, or discount it, but it is present for one purpose: your protection.

A satisfying sex life is based upon sharing your life and your heart, not just your bed.

There are two conversations that are currently driving the discussion of sex, and I believe both should have every one of our voices screaming aloud. The first conversation promotes casual sex with whoever holds your momentary interest—no strings attached. This can be physically entertaining if you have a partner who knows how to push all the right buttons. There is a momentary excitement and pleasure. But it’s like taking a ride on the craziest roller coaster in the amusement park. The rush is huge for the five minutes you are on it, but when you get off there is no lasting impact.

The second conversation is growing in popularity, and it’s about experimental types of sex. Recently the most vogue and daring conversations explore the challenges and merits of anal sex. The publications that have stepped into the dialogue include Allure, Vogue, Gwyneth Paltrow’s modern lifestyle website goop.com to name a few. Even more disturbing is an article in a publication specifically targeted toward a young and vulnerable demographic, Teen Vogue.

The articles I have seen are intended to walk the participant through the steps of how to take on this sexual act, detailing how one needs to prepare in order to eliminate pain and prevent physical damage. Unlike vaginal sex, there is the very real potential of tearing—creating not just pain but damage that requires medical attention. The natural lubricants that are in the vagina are not present, making this a much more dangerous sexual encounter. It leaves one to wonder if the pain and health risks are that high, why do we think this experiment holds merit? And why would someone who claims to care about us ask us to put ourselves in a painful or harmful situation?

If you have someone in your life who is asking you to do something that your inner voice is speaking against, listen. Not to him but to that voice that only cares for you. You should trust yourself, not someone who isn’t putting you first.

Other people will perceive your worth in the same way you have established it in yourself. If you believe you are worth a lifetime of commitment and that anything that may cause physical harm to you is not something a loving partner should ask of you, then others will believe the same.

…that inner voice is present for one purpose: your protection.

The truth is, great sex is not merely the giving of ones body; it is an intimate relationship and the giving of one’s heart. It is about earning and offering trust. Great sex comes from knowing that the person you are sharing your bed with is the person who has committed all to you, and that they’re worthy of your heart. Then, and only then, should you give them your all. That is the basis of great sex.