Last week, I woke up at five am to write a story for a collaborative project I’m working on with some friends. (Details soon!) Instead, I turned on the TV and caught episode seven of Revenge season three. I stopped watching this show regularly in the first season, so obviously I didn’t understand anything that was happening. Which doesn’t mean I can’t share with you exactly what I was thinking, in chronological order:

photo: ABC

1. Nolan still wears colored pants? After all this time? Really?
2. Wait, what? Getting married?!
3. Who’s this guy in the shower again? Actually, I don’t really care, let me just look at him and… HE DOESN’T NEED A TOWEL, VICTORIA, GO AWAY! UGH WHY MUST YOU RUIN EVERYTHING.
4. I want to befriend this girl because she can bake me a cake. Although…
5. Daniel’s ex has major crazy eyes, but also a cute apron and a photoshoot ponytail. She’s cool. And I’m a terrible judge of character.
6. “This itinerary is too aggressive.” #sh!tvictoriasays #push
7. Pshaw. Publicists don’t wear prints that big and colors that bright. Everyone knows that.
8. Come on, Jack, give us one tear. For dead Amanda’s sake. Half a tear? No?
9. Of course the fireworks make everyone suddenly feel like making out. How novel.
10. Is everyone a cheater on this show? Everyone’s a cheater on this show! I don’t trust you people.

I wish I can tell you that after the closing credits I finally got some writing done—but no. I had a chocolate truffle for breakfast and read Gillian Flynn. I need your focus, Emily. Help?