Tag Archives: wishes

Every year on 3rd of January I wake up in an extremely bad mood which doesn’t leave me until midnight. Typical birthday blues. I try to have a full agenda, but this year… I had a migraine again. Vomited in the medical laboratory, the world was more painful than usual.

However, my birthday is the perfect time to share with you successes and failures of 2017. I’m gonna use numbers.

My first hero is 2:

2 amazing months: July and November, when I felt well. They were full of joy, warmth and peace. Sources of their awesomeness were very different from each other but in the end, I spent two months almost without pain and depression, cherishing normal life

For the past two months, I haven’t been rehabilitating myself and exercising. I can’t explain it. It’s about being extremely busy and extremely lazy.

I started doing two cool things. I opened my business an started volunteering for poor people and against food waste. Shop gave my unemployed life bit of meaning, work for less fortunate made my need of helping others less meaningless.

Two things I’m actually proud of: my Lewaczka.pl blog (this one too;p) and first money earned since the stroke.

Two job offers. Nothing worked out of it, I have no clue why, but still: someone believed in me enough to offer me a place in his team.

Two brilliant blog entries from a guest star:) In Polish only, sorry!;)

12:

Pills I’m taking daily,

months since last birthday blues,

months till my 30th birthday

3:

three new diagnoses. Lupus: most likely I’ve been living with it for the past 10-15 years, not knowing about it, carotid artery dissection – could be the cause of strokes. Lupus, dissection, hole in my heart, I have many things to choose from;)

three hospitals I was admitted. All three admissions were planned.

For the third time, I was guaranteed social security money. Yay. I’m kind of covered till September.

3 amazing trips. Denmark with a friend, Cyprus with family, Emirates for NCD Alliance conference... All of them were really great. Denmark was like completing lifelong dream, Cyprus nice time with my beloved people, Emirates: oh wow, it was my blog-wise achievement. Big one. I can’t stress enough how I enjoyed the time there.

1:

neurolupus, new kind of lupus thrown into my face. It’s about to be confirmed, now I imagine it as a little worm eating my brain and leaving me with depression, dementia and meaningless life,

one participation in an event of a big importance;) well, at least for sick people,

new, brilliant psychotherapist,

one physiotherapist who has left me for the man. But I can’t be upset about it. I wish her best of luck with him, they deserve perfect life:)

One pronouncement saying that I’m disabled. It’s official. It’s good. It gives me a discount for a train. Twice a year;)

One magazine cover my face was on. I’m a cover girl;p

One sport I started to practice. I’m lousy. But Olympic games are once every 4 years, no worries here;)

Foreigner, I’m helping in settling here. He’s a friend and we are very happy to see his life easier from time to time.

Epilepsy attack. unexpected. Adding two years to my auto-ban;) (do not mistake with autobahn;p I mean I’m banned from driving for 2 additional years).

Today I have my third rebirthday.

on 21st Dec 3 years ago I had a brain stroke. That means that I’m at the same time 28-year-old, 63-year-old and 3 years old.

Each year I feel very weird on this day. I really feel that this date is important to me, even more than my birthday. celebrating the day you were born, its something natural, but I didn’t choose the way of my growth, right? My mom says that I didn’t say ‚no’ to food, but it’s not like I was choosing it. After my brain stroke, I conducted my life consciously to the point that I could. From the diaper to the place I’m in.

Last year was a bit peculiar to me. It cant be related in few words, so I’ll leave it until the new years eve;)

Today I’m gonna be traditional. I’m gonna tell you the ways my life changed in a good way. Areas that are better now.

As you know, the life of a strokie isn’t that great. Frequently it seems to be hopeless and horrible. But there can be found things that changed for better. I truly believe that each and every one of us can find at least one such thing, even if his or her life is miserable.

Well, I have to admit, that few things changed for worse last year. surprisingly I feel weaker than last before. Strange. This year I haven’t had a stroke, the year before I did. how to explain that?:o

so many things are going for worse, I’m not gonna focus on them because there are plenty which changed my life for better. Since last year I’ve noticed a big growth. I’m letting the list expand, even if it grows that big, that it’s too long to read.

so.

what has changed in my life for better after stroke?

I take better care of myself,

I’ve met few new, nice people,

I’ve let go few people, who were bringing me pain. emotionally it’s a great thing for me,

I’m less stressed with small things,

I don’t have a stressful and horrible job anymore,

I’ve learned knitting,

I quit smoking,

sometimes I’m rested,

the card ‚you know, I’ve had a stroke’ still works for me,

I know why I’m oversensitive to sun,

I have a PFO fixed,

I’ve I’ve found a new, great psychologist and i feel that she’s the one,

I’ve learned Spanish. I can communicate in this language. And I learned it by myself,

I’ve lost 15 kilos,

I don’t have to give my granny rides to shops. Not being able to drive sucks, but on the other hand, I love this excuse,

I see that I’m helping people,

My hair fall out less,

i’m thinking about myself more,

I started dating,

I have a small collection of figures of goats,

I understand people better,

I’m not that worried about money. I know its very horrible, as my parents are providing for me, but on the other hand, before I was counting each zloty with a fear, and now I’m still counting, but without fear,

I get long depressive states less frequently,

I get rid of stuff rather than I collect them,

I’m learning to have an order around myself,

If its even possible, I’m closer to my brother than anytime before,

again I appreciate being outside,

I have the hammock!

I can do things in WordPress better and better,

I have ‚my own’ business. It goes badly, but it’ll be better. one day.

I have a feeling that I’m more active.

Comparing to the Polish version this list is shorter for two points;)

But still it’s impressive, isn’t it?

I like the points about being proud of myself, as for the first time I really feel pride and satisfaction. It’s a new, great feeling to think about yourself well. For a change;)

Maybe you should try to think about such list yourself? Even in despair, we can find something. For me, the first thing was realising in a hospital that I have nicer skin.

Two days ago I had my first rebirthday of my second stroke. Lil’ stroke – it was waaaay smaller than the first one. Lil’ stroke – it hasn’t destroyed every single thing, only slowed down the process of healing, and added some inconveniences.

The stroke that didn’t change my life completely, but showed me, that my life isn’t normal. But who cares: I will work out everything. At least I hope so:)

In some ways, this stroke changed every single thing, in others – nothing. For example, I have like 99% of certitude of the cause of my strokes. I’m not scared and I don’t feel anxiety caused by Uknown.

But I didn’t mean to write about it. I want to express my feeling about living with this shit. I will focus on emotions, which have been a wreck for past few weeks. Or months?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy. Ironically, I have a feeling that my depression problems got smaller after my strokes. This year I’ve had few pretty well months! Despite that, my emotions have been shaky. Like a swing, the hugest swing in my life. Minor things drive me crazy, mad, sad, or happy, ecstatic, loving… If you know what I mean. Continue reading

Easter is coming. I want to wish you everything which is good, but that later. If i tell you now, you will not read the important part (( ;

Lately I’ve been spending hours a day talking to one guy;) Sometimes it even sounds feels like a confession – well, since i don’t go to the church, maybe it’s needed. I talk about problems that I’ve been discussing here for past two years too.

Right now only in English, but the website is going to be translated to other languages (including Polish, that’s great news for my Polish readers;) The morethe better i guess. I think the site will be available for more than English speakers:)

THE WEBSITE HAD IT’S LAUNCH, BUT WILL BE UPDATED.

For example next questions are waiting to be answered. You may remember that we (me and you, my readers) submitted some questions too.

To tell the truth I’m certain that the website will do many good things researches show people know about spasticity less than they should. Often they don’t even know what they are suffering from. This website is a first place online (I’m certain for like 99,99999999%) that collected important all basic and lot of non-basic data about spasticity. Actually it helped also me, and even before i wouldn’t call myself ignorant in this matter. Continue reading

in my humble opinion stoke is like the worst hangover you can imagine. Which lasts and lasts and lasts for too long…

your are mumbling instead talking

you can’t keep your balance

light and noise are like millions of needles which stick into your soul

this headacheeeeeeeeee

you are so tired

and so poor

world seems to be unfair and full of evil

you can’t control your body

you can’t swallow or you can’t even look at food

But this hangover doesn’t leave you after a day in bed. You have to work hard to mineralize its effects.

I’m writing abut it for few reasons. First: I want you to feel it a bit more. Secondly: I want to express that I’m happy not to have hangovers anymore;p Third thing would be wishing you

to not have any hangover-like symptoms,

I wish you happy 2017. I hope it will be kind, veryyyyy healthy and happy. I hope that you will have like millions of dollars and all institutions will have stay away from you. I hope that 2017 will give you love, joy and friendship. I hope that government will not piss you off, bed will be always warm, and headaches will keep away.

Dear 2016, fuck off. You weren’t too kind for me, for the world also, to tell the truth. Few nice surprises will not recompense me all the diseases and hours of doubts. I’ve just kicked your butt and i want inform you that my delicious champagne (below) is going to bit you up. Ok, let’s face the truth: 2017 doesn’t have a difficult task to do;)
PS

lately I’ve been whining a bit too much. My first new year’s resolution is to stop it. Good one, isn’t it?