evil staring back

i love my husband with all my heart but what do i do, what am i surposed to feel if we are having sex and my darling husbands face stares at me and its the face of one of my abusers,i go numb and cant move, i cant talk to tell him ,he knows the signs in my eyes now but im letting him down sexually, i feel bad about that he has done nothing wrong.i hate the flashbacks the hallusinations there faces on the wall.i sometimes just want to cut and release the pain but that upsets my husband i feel trapped sometimes within my head my thoughts my feelings.

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