We run a tight ship up in this bitch. We keep it clean and scholarly and relevant to today’s modern literati. You come to Holy Taco to learn, not to be inundated with internet detritus like your ebays and megapixels and bosoms. But is that enough? Obviously. But we’ll still do a bit more because we’re givers. Ask any prostitute in Detroit. We tip with sandwiches and beets and change and all kinds of stuff. Yeah. But the point is this – there’s lots of boobie on the internet but what do you really know about it? What makes a boob a boob? It’s time to learn!

But none of those hilariously charming terms comes close to explaining what the f*ck an areola is or how it controls the boob as a whole. Fortunately, we went to the library, Starbucks, a strip club and a retirement home to research this piece. The sights we saw! And now, for your edification we’ll explain to you the areola.

To start, think of the areola the way you think of Porkins in Star Wars. Did he save the day? No. But he was a valuable part of the team. Why, if not for Porkins, maybe more of those fish guys would have died. Maybe Lando wouldn’t have had time for a sexy Colt 45 break. Maybe Princess Leia wouldn’t have gotten to Tattooine on time and someone else would have been fitted for that metal bikini and when she showed up they would have put her in a queer looking sundress. And if not for the areola, boobs would look like completely retarded knees and elbows.

The areola is the command center for everything that needs to get done on or around a boob. Do you think women wear bras for support? Lord no, there’s tape and hands for that. Bras hide areolas. Bras mock your ability to view them fully. Or sure, maybe you see some nipple pokies up in there but is that doing you any favors? For all you know the areola attached to those nipple pokies may be the size of a pie plate. Which brings us to our next point.

Not all areolas are your friend. This can never be stressed enough. Some people will haphazardly claim all boobs are wonderful but that is just not so. Because out there, lurking under massive bras that have three high-security hooks on them are areolas that look like overcooked pancakes. They’re huge and fearsome creature and if you don’t know about them ahead of time you may be caught in a situation where you need to not say “Holy shit, dirty hubcaps!”

Areolas, like Skittles, come in a variety of colors. The colors, unlike Skittles, do not match the rainbow. If you stumble upon green or red or blue areolas, it’s possible you’re under the influence of toxic substances. Or, possibly, you’re Captain Kirk. If so, snap a photo. The people back home will love that.