June 20, 2011

Honestly, it is just shocking. When your Scientific Discovery first heard the news, I had to sit down and shake My fist at the sky in anger and despair. First, those ungrateful peasants chase multi-talented and gloriously just Ferdinand Marcos out of the Philippines, depriving the man of his rightful dictatorial place, and now, citizens! Now! Their usurper of a president, Benigno Aquino, has declared that he will not allow the late great Marcos to return to Manila for burial as a national hero. The ignominy! The shame! How can they do this to the man who kept his country under martial law for nine years to keep down the opposition Communist Party and other dissenters? The man who murdered one of his first political rivals and then represented himself in court, getting acquitted of all charges despite strong evidence pointing towards his guilt? That is pure dictatorial style and he deserves to be recognized for his many years of service to his nation.

But it seems that the sourpusses ruling the Philippines now just have to hold a grudge and deny Marcos his final honourable place of rest. Isn’t it bad enough that his wife Imelda has been holding on to his preserved body since he died in 1989? And that she’s been reduced to kissing the glass that entombs him instead of the tombstone that should be a magnificent marker of his storied life? Isn’t it about time to let the whole oppressed peoples thing drop? My own sneaking suspicion is that Aquino is taking what might be his only chance to revenge his father, who was assassinated in 1983, probably on Marcos’s orders. So petty.

June 14, 2011

My dear oppressed peasantry, to think that one short year ago, the Canadians were up in arms against the tyranny of their so-called democracy, an insurrection that was cruelly put down by their “democratically elected” leaders. My revolutionary heart went out to them, as I watched the agents of the democratic despots cart prisoners to a makeshift jail from the comfort of my bullet-proof bubble car. Having descended from the heavens to lead the people of the Independent Republic of Josi, I of course cannot empathize with their plight, but having spent these many years watching the political upheavals of so many lesser nations, I can concoct an emotion vaguely resembling sympathy.

But do not lose heart, revolutionary Canadians! Your Freedom Fighter will not let the fires of reform go unstoked, and allow to pass by an opportunity to form a new government indebted to My Great Display. With this in mind, I have instructed My doom force to work with the rebel Canadians, training them in the urban jungle of Toronto and the grassy countryside of southern Ontario. Come, rebel warriors! Come, wherever you are in that vast nation! Come and enjoy the tutelage of one of the greatest dictatorial minds this world has ever seen! We have weapons caches to make even the fiercest of warriors weep with delight, and the soldiers of the doom force are trained in the best kitchens in Europe, ensuring mess dinners of the highest quality: mousses that caress your tongue like a long-forgotten lover’s touch, wines that cost more than ten dollars, strawberry shortcake for dessert each and every day! Read the rest of this entry »

January 31, 2011

Citizens, your Rebellion Smasher has taken to her bed, heartsick at the tragedies befalling her Egyptian comrade, Hosni Mubarak. The reports keep rolling in, from my own Doom Force and from the international media that you, peons, are not permitted to have any contact with for precisely this reason. Look what’s happening in Egypt! And what happened in Tunisia! Although I sympathize with my African comrades and have reached out with support in the form of arms and troops to put those citizens back in their place, I cannot help judging them for being so permissive to start with. If they had only done what I have done, and restrict all communication with the outside world, their governments might still be healthily oppressing their masses.

Instead, my comrades inexplicably allowed their peasants extravagant liberties such as mobile phones and limited Internet access. And while dear Mubarak did attempt to rectify that error by turning the Internet off the other day, really, it was too little too late. So this I say to you, aspiring autocrats, if you are not prepared to commit to the persecution and subjugation of an entire people without rest or respite, then perhaps you are not cut out for the dictatorial game. I rip babies from their mothers’ breasts and trade them for drugs to make zombies of rebels, who I then arm and send out to hunt each other in a giant game for my own entertainment. If you cannot picture yourself taking dramatic action such as this, start looking for work now and save your citizens the trouble of revolting.

January 22, 2011

Ha ha! All you naysayers grumbling about the triumphant return of Baby Doc! The statute of limitations should be up for all those alleged crimes against humanity of his! The law even applies to dictators, if it suits those dictators’ purposes! Ten years! That’s all they have to prosecute those “crimes” and did they? No! Twenty-five years and no charges! So those irritating “authorities” can investigate him all they want, they won’t be prosecuting any human rights abuses. As if what that man did could be considered abuses of human rights! He only did what was natural. Any dictator would have done the same.

And really, did anyone have any intention of having this great man be put in front of a judge? He left France on a Haitian diplomatic passport. If those silly Haitian peasants hated him so much, wouldn’t they have revoked that passport? Hmm?

After twenty-five years, My old friend clearly had the simple desire to return to his homeland. And rule it again with an iron fist! Go, Baby Doc! Your friends and fans know the truth, no matter what lies you may have to tell the media and the public in order to achieve your terrible goals.

The public front is that he returned to Haiti on a noble mission to help his homeland after the terrible shaking of the earth last year. And yes, detractors might say that that shaking was a year ago and where was Baby Doc then, but those detractors should remember that if Baby Doc had come back then, he would have ripped those clucking tongues right out of their heads.

January 17, 2011

I know you peons are accustomed to seeing his image in the Parade of Heroes that winds its way through the dusty roads of the cities of the Republic during the Festival of Visionaries held each year to celebrate the miracle of My own descent from the cloud city above to bring order to the unruly surface world, but this time, it is for real, citizens. Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier has returned to his homeland from his exile in France!

And we in the IRJ could not be more thrilled. Baby Doc has such a gift for dictating, we know he will bring us exciting surprises in the months to come. He is being coy with his reasons for returning to the land he once oppressed so splendidly, but your Intrepid Interviewer will get all the answers when I talk to him tonight, as I do every night before I go to bed. (But never to sleep, citizens. I merely lie in my king-size bed of penguin feathers, alert, waiting, watching. A wary dictator is a breathing dictator.) There is even talk of him returning to power, thanks to a group of loyalists! Ah, yes, Stockholm syndrome is a key weapon in an autocrat’s arsenal.

Is he taking advantage of the country’s weakness after the earthquake last year? Has he–heaven forbid–turned over a new leaf and come back to rule in a genuinely democratic fashion? Or great man that he is, has he grown tired of paying rent in France and has now–and you know dictatorial fingers are tightly crossed for this one–come back to wreak vengeance on his former peons? With Haiti struggling after the earth tried to shrug it off and the troubles following the presidential elections in November, the time seems ripe for dreamboat Baby Doc to pick up the reins and steer the country back on course. With the whip I’m sure he always carries.

January 16, 2011

Perhaps you have heard about the troubles our Tunisian friend, Ben Ali, is facing? Then you have clearly been disobeying My dictatorial imperative in contacting the world outside the IRJ and that will be the end of you, peon. But I will let you cower in terror for a few days as a lesson to those citizens who may have come into contact with your disturbing thought crimes. I cannot believe that any of My beloved peasants would be so malcontent as to follow the example of those Tunisian rebels, but a good dictator knows to squash even the hint of rebellion and so, I punish those of you passing rebellious information to others in the Republic. You no longer merit the title “citizen”. You are nothing but criminals and before you die, you will see the insides of the notorious camps on the outskirts of My glorious nation.

January 11, 2011

Yes, peons, just when it looks grimmest for those of us with fascist inclinations, a cuddly mascot appears to improve our brand images! Imagine the atrocities we shall commit under the flag of captioned authoritarian cats!

And read about how style matters for the would-be dictator (something I’ve also pointed out in a scolding tone back when these official missives were printed on paper) at Uproxx. Take these tips to heart, fellow autocrats!

January 7, 2011

Oh dear peasants, I often think gladly about the amorphous nature of the borders of the IRJ. After all, if you are to escape My cruel iron fist, you must first know the way out. And I’m sure that you who have attempted this escape and still live so that I might make examples of you, you are well aware of the vague nature of the borders of this mighty republic and the god-like omnipotence of My secret squad of doom who steal you from your homes in the middle of the night.

Imagine if you were able to find a border and slip away in the dark to a neighbouring country hostile to the IRJ. (Yes, Canada, My steely gaze is firmly fixed on you.) The shame you would bring on yourself and the UN inspectors you would entice into My seat of power! Just the thought of dealing with those pusillanimous bureaucrats is nearly enough to put me off of these delightful and expensive truffles. And to think that My dear friend and loyal ally Kim Jong-il has gone through exactly this. And that the contemptible peon who slipped out of the great Democratic People’s Republic of Korea would spill state secrets in a book! That was written in French with Pierre Rigoulot and translated into English by Yair Reiner! Naturally, I sent a fruit basket to help sweet Jong-il through the terrible betrayal by a seemingly loyal citizen.

December 22, 2010

December 21, 2010

Oh citizens, as we prepare for the annual festivities to celebrate your Incredible Action’s descent from the heavens, I hope none of you have forgotten what happened to those peons who “forgot” to send presents last year. Although I am a tolerant ruler, I cannot abide by insurrection via non-present-giving. And be honest, there is no one so deserving of a present as your Fox Trot.

There were some citizens who, at last year’s dictatorial festivities, declined to participate in the gift presentation, and as has been widely broadcast by state channels, those citizens were executed shortly after the gifts were not received. From this example, I think it is clear, citizens, that your Hot Stuff expects presents and has no compunction about removing those citizens that do not offer up the entirety of their net worth on the anniversary of Her glorious birth.

No, She does not need or want any of it, but as a Dictator, She cannot allow any of you to have it. So send Me those cookies in tinsel-covered packages, citizens. Send Me your first-born so that I might sell them to hostile nations. Do all this and more for your beloved Republic, citizens, and your Tap Master just might let you keep your head. Maybe.

Peons! The Dictator will allow you the great honour of being seen in the same webspace as Her Almighty Amazingness. Send your pathetic links and Her staff may post it here, making your life complete and leaving you no further reason to live.

But should you somehow manage to continue to live, your Shining Leader also accepts e-mail. Of course, She would never lower herself to reading it, but you can send it to Her here .