DONALD TRUMP LOOKS LIKE

My sunkist knee caps in 6th grade when I attempted self-tanner and didn't realize you were supposed to avoid the joints

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An Oompa Loompa that spooned Christian Bale's spackled combover in American Hustle

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A cantaloupe that gingerly made love to Guy Fieri's flame shirt

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The peach I accidentally left on my counter in my New York apartment when I was fleeing the city before Hurricane Irene and which had exploded in a rotted sticky mess by the time I returned a week later

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Someone who filed for bankruptcy four times and believes with the whole of his heart that our president is Kenyan-born

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The baby carrot that escaped the bag and has been living in the corner of the crisper for 4 months -- a fuzzy, graying nub you don't want to touch without gloves