Husband playing mind games - please help

Back story - 6 months ago, H announced out of the blue that he was leaving ( married 15 years , 3 kids ) . He told me he'd found a house and wanted me to sign documents that released money from a business we both own to buy it .

I was in state of shock , came on MN. Everyone said " agree to nothing until you've spoke to lawyer . I assumed there was OW but couldn't find any evidence and Dh denied it .

Lawyer said - don't agree to anything, try to keep everything stable for the kids , get him to wait for a couple of months until teenager sits exams ( well she said a lot more but that's the relevant bit ) .

Dh agreed to wait a few months , he moved into the spare room under a pretext for kids and we are in the process of selling the business we own jointly . This will give me enough money to buy him out of the house and to afford to live here without his income .

Teenager finishes exams in the summer and Dh suddenly announces that he wants to stay and " try to make it work " . I'm a bit shocked and don't know what I want . I assumed he had been dumped by OW. So talked to a counsellor and decided to give it a few months to see what happens.

Dh does nothing different , just goes on living in the spare room and leading his own life. Only difference from 6 months ago is that he does his share of child taxi duties ( which as very onerous are our kids do a lot and we live in the country ) . He does NOTHING that I would think of as " trying to make the marriage work " .

He has given every appearance of having OW. Has gone on a diet and lost weight . Started exercising . Talking about getting an op to fix his bald spot . Has had several operations on his eyes so he " doesn't have to wear glasses in bed " .

Last night he informed me that there never was anyone else - it's all just " a game " to shock me into realising how hard life would be without him .

I am just incandescent with rage . He's put me through 6 months of pretending he wants to leave , believing that our marriage is over , trying to sell the business . Worrying about the kids, seeing a counsellor and lawyer AS A GAME ??? a fucking game ????

Either your instincts were right, he's been dumped and this is the terrible excuse he's come up with to cover his behaviour, or he has put you through hell for some weird "game" (the fact that he would ever call it that is the weirdest thing ever).Either way he's a cunt (as above). Stay angry and get rid of him.

OMG. I wish I could give you a big hug. I can only say it's so difficult for you because you were trying to keep I together for your children, however how could you trust him again after playing horrible games like that. I'm afraid it shows he doesn't value you very much to risk loosing it all like that.

Saying that I'd be a cynic and I think as you said he has had another woman and for whatever reason that has ended and he's now keeping his options open. Or, maybe he saw how together you are and the fact you wouldn't have been lost with out him has made him think.

Either way. I'd send him on his merry way and say well actually you showed me how life would be BETTER with out you Jog on knobber!!!!!!!

Do I ask him to leave today ? I feel completely in a state of shock . I've locked the bedroom door and I'm hiding in here , so he's having to get the kids up for school and take them . Teenager has already left

I don't know if I'm acting like a teenager too, hiding in my room , on Mumsnet . How pathetic

Do you think he's being honest now? I'd be inclined to go with your original feeling, which is that he was dumped by OW.He can't really be arsed to try and sort out your relationship, but it's much comfier for him to stay in the spare room than to move out on his own and have to do cleaning, shopping, etc for himself, so he's trying to convince you that you need him there. You don't.

Yy to disgrace. In a way making it all up to make you appreciate him more is worse than if he had found an OW. He has manipulated you in the most horrible way, and if I were you then there is no way I could ever trust a man like that again.

This is so shit for you. But yes he needs to go and today seems a good day to me.You are not being a teenager. Who else are you meant to get advice from in the bathroom?Oh, and I finally get to say LTB. I'm really sorry he's done this. He's a proper fuckwit I'm afraid. You will be a lot happier without his nonsense.

I would probably respond in a very calm fashion, when watching tv or something with 'i do have to laugh as your little game really backfired didnt it? As life is much better not being in a relationship with you'.

Yes, I have been trying really hard to hold it together for the kids . To keep on keeping on . I've been brave and strong . For the kids and also for our staff - to try to sell the business and keep their jobs

Ultimately if you want to save your marriage I would suggest you both need a very long talk... Will prob take months and some counselling. Why did he do this? Unless he has completely lost it this cannot have just "came out the blue" something else is behind this. To keep up the pretence so long??? It's what your children have gone through as well.... I'm sorry I can't help. You have such a long road ahead of you either way. Take your time xxx

Actually, now I've thought about it I think pp are right and that he did have an OW and he thinks that saying that it was all a game is an easier way of getting out of the shit than if he admitted an OW.

Either way he's a shit and yes, if you can manage it then he should go today.

Say, "I've had a think about what you said and I've made a decision. All these changes have shown me that I can cope emotionally and financially without you. I would happily have stayed with the man I thought you were, but by putting us through all this, you've shown that you are not him anymore. So we shall continue with the divorce, sell the business. And you can move out ASAP." He can keep ferrying the dcs around once he's moved out.

I don't believe the "game" is the truth. I think he's making up reasons. It wouldn't surprise me to find out that all his changes happened whilst pursuing an OW, but that she turned him down and nothing happened, so he thought he'd come back to you.

Gem, he's refused to talk about it over the last 6months. When I asked him recently what he was doing to " save the marriage " ( after he said he wanted to stay and " make it work " ) he said " I'm doing my share of taxi duties " .

I said that was just being a father to his own kids and also building a relationship with them so they want to see him after the split ( they are old enough to make up their own minds IYSWIM ) .

I asked him how he was " rebuilding our marriage " - he thought for a while and said " I painted the garden shed " . He didn't this with the kids one weekend in May.

He's made no effort and he doesn't deserve you. To put you through all this for whatever reason and expect another chance...Oh and one day you'll look back on the fucking garden shed and laugh. I mean he didn't even build it did he? Just gave it a coat of paint...Stay strong.

He has form . Was involved with an employee two years ago , gave her a lot of money ( some was ours , some was the businesses ) . He still maintains it wasn't an affair , which I take to mean it was EA. he takes no responsibility for it , maintains is was a " business relationship " and that I'm paranoid for thinking it was an affair

He feels like the injured party about it all . First because she dumped him and never repaid the part that was " a loan " ( yeah right ) and second because I have falsely accused him of being unfaithful .