Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Days I wake up on the wrong side of bed
Mind instantly flooded with assignment deadlines
Thinking to myself whether they have ever left me
Or were they there substituting sweet dreams

A struggle to get up
That raging "war" with procrastination
Thoughts of defeat, desperation and hopelessness flood in
How do you even be that "women whom the devil fears when she wakes up?"

No one's at home so I blow my shofar
Hoping that something will break in the atmosphere
Took a shower and sang my heart out
"Shout to the Lord", my favorite classic

It was in that moment when I heard God speak
That He honored "that kind" of worship and lavished in it
Telling me that there is a time and place for corporate worship
But just as important a place for private worship

A place where I can sing my heart out and let it all out
Forgetting the accuracy of right harmonization
And worries of pitch perfect singing
Hitting that point of climax that is oh so liberating

Sometimes I do wonder what does God really hears
When He hears our worship
I bet He hears from a realm never accessed by any human being
Either that or keys and notes are powerless to Him
Defying what we call "out of tune"

He sees right through me and there's no room for pretense
Staged presence of how we "should" look during worship
He sees me through the storms
And He sees me through "me"

"Me"; sometimes the only hindrance between me and God
It could be a long journey in from the outside of my heart
I let go of that Simon Cowell "demon" (don't worry, it's just a metaphor :P)
And know that God won't judge my worship

In fact I believes He loves my sacrifice of worship
When it's real, raw and unhampered with
The sincerity and brokenness embedded in it
Something I could only give here on this earth

No point putting up a front with my Jesus
He knows my next thought before I can even think
He sees me through my darkest moments
And He sees me through "me"

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Few nights ago I finally managed to visit the much heard of Mamak here in Klang Valley. Prior to that, all I heard was how good it was and how the food there was delicious, and after three years of hearing all these, I finally got to visit it. Well, I personally think it was over-rated, but that would not change the minds of the hundreds of customers who goes there every night to get a table at the (estimate) 100 meter long line of tables.

Which made me wonder how much did the big boss pay bribe to have the allowance of tables laid out so far wide in front of all the other shops by the roadside and how much he actually earned. Seeing the amount of rental he got to save on because he was practically using the properties of others just because they weren't operating at night.

As I was eating, two things went through my head:

1. Where did all these tables come from? I'm not sure the one unit restaurant could have housed all these.
2. Poor workers, having to run along about a 100 meter long table trail to take orders, remember orders and go back and forth.

Talk about the mind power and energy needed cos there were no table numbers! It just boggled me, how they could handle such a crowd every night. But what strike me most was how much these workers were being paid. I heard that this business had been so successful that other branches are open elsewhere so the big boss must be earning big bucks!

I'm no entrepreneur, and I doubt I have the mind for it too, but I do believe that the boss is rich enough to live a comfortable life with more money to spare. Sometimes I feel like if I were a boss, how much would I pay my workers. If we climb that high to the top and have more than we need, why not raise the salary of these workers? In turn, their way of life will be improved and their children will have the education they need (despite whichever land they come from). This world will be a better place, ain't it? We actually have nothing to loose.

Maybe its not that simple? Maybe its just the idealistic part of me, but sometimes I feel that something can still be done. (Just thinking out loud, lol!)

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Almost at the end of my college term
I look back upon what I've learned
The experiences, friendships and lessons obtained
Priceless and not to be disdained.

Through the ups and through the lows
The people that comes and goes
It's not by chance we cross paths with
More like how a Higher Power intervened

Hours pasts quickly when you're conversing with the ones you love
Reflecting on the past three years here
Can't believe that we've outdone our capacity
Surrendering ourselves to go beyond "what could be"

Despite the roller coaster ride
We're able to enjoy the moment
Sometimes exhilarating, sometimes frightening
But every moment was worth living

Knowledge is broaden
While dreams continue to expand
I guess being idealists pays off
We still believe in our Fairy Tale "ending"

I'm free to be me
And you're free to be you
Let's not let the thoughts of others
Dictate our actions

We can't base our future on people's past
Neither will their story depict our own story
Their experiences are valuable
But we can have our own new ones too

And just like a prophetic picture taken
It's like we can reach for the stars so easily
As we align ourselves to His divine plan for us
His grace will be sufficient.

We've come this far
Him seeing us through every season
So come what may
I dare to believe.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I'm not quite sure how it happened. Everything went on so fast. First we were sitting in Old Town, having a meeting and then before you can say "yes" we were rescheduled (very suddenly) to interview Nick Vujicic! It was crazy. I almost turned it down, because I didn't know the Nick mentioned was actually Nick Vujicic cos never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that such an opportunity to meet him exclusively would come.

"CRAZY!!!" is an understatement. Even with that tone. Realizing its the "Nick Vujicic" that I read about, watched videos of, and heard so many testimonies about made me just faze out for a moment. Not just a moment actually, but it was hard concentrating throughout the rest of the meeting because I was just- STOKED.(staring blankly out into the air, with mouth slightly opened, no kidding. my director had to ask me to stop thinking of the interview, lol! better act more like a professional journalist next time than be sooo super starstruck!)

You see, my admiration towards this great man of God goes way back. Many years ago before entering college, I read about him in a magazine and was amazed at how he didn't allow the circumstances of life to bog him down, despite having no limbs. And how much he sees the potential and how beautiful every individual is. He sees people through the eyes of faith, the eyes of God, beyond what the naked eye sees. I even used his story and video as my presentation in one of my first English classes in college, hoping that his message of hope can touch my classmates and tutor, enlightening them on this great Force that helped him through his limitations. I scored more than 90% for that by the way! Comes to show that passion really pays off!

I'll leave his incredible story out cause it's worth reading his books and watching his videos for yourself but I'll tell you about how overwhelmed I felt meeting him. Prior to the eventful day, I had my finals to sit for and while studying at 2am in the morning, my roommate was watching a short video on Vujicic and his wife and their amazing relationship. Making sure it was not too long cos I didn't want to miss my morning paper, I gave in and watched, truly amazed.

The following day, my friend decided to drop by Kinokuniya and we kept finding ourselves at the promo table exclusively displaying only Vujicic's books. It never crossed my mind to get a personal copy because I knew many of my friends have them and so I thought I'd just borrow.

Then it came to the day of the meeting and a sudden "last minute" appointment to hopefully get some quotes from Vujicic to endorse our prayer run- RUNNAT. We were told that time was tight and he had to rush off but we still jumped at the opportunity hoping for at least a glimpse of him or a photo taken.

Off to the hotel we went, doors pushed open for us to enter and there I saw a familiar sight- my intern days. One photographer and two reporters were ex-colleagues of mine! Lot's of press were there but it was really exclusive. Some even brought their whole Macintosh there to work on the recording on the spot!

But nothing beat seeing Vujicic in person. Evidently whole as he is but clearly with a few missing parts, I was on the verge of tears unfathomable. And there and then is when I heard in my heart, "See, this is how much I love you." I knew exactly whose voice it was and what He meant. God loves me so much, understanding my secret wants even when I thought impossible. He spoils me and just wants to grant me my heart's desires even when I though that going to see Vujicic in one of his talks over the week here in Malaysia may be too troublesome in terms of time, money and transport. And if really, I was given a chance at any of those, it will never come as close to this, meeting him personally in the privacy of a small function room. God really gave me 5-star treatment, didn't He!

He was so nice to let us take a group picture with him and even voluntarily asked if we had a camera so that he can say a word on RUNNAT. That was the plan, but it didn't go as plan cos we didn't even ask! Talk about the favor. There and then, he acknowledged and encouraged our presence in front of the press calling us "precious" and asking what we were all about.

I was even more excited when a dear friend of mine in a wheelchair had a chance to talk with him about his future dreams and plans. Vujicic asked him whether he ever thought of being a motivational speaker and prayed for him on the spot! Again in front of the press! I stood amazed at the series of great happenings.

After sometime when everyone was almost gone and it was just us, the bunch of young people, I asked whether we could pray and just thank God for such a great moment. I teared, knowing that my God will do this for me. I also prayed for my friend that he will "walk" into his God-given destiny.

Still overwhelmed on my train ride home, I decided to stop by KLCC to fix my phone. Instead I went straight to the bookstore to check out his book again. I couldn't focus. Walked out of the shop and on and on I walked aimlessly, trying to steady my breath and heartbeat because I still could not believe what happened. It was more of the divine appointment then the person itself that kept my mind boggled.

Went back into the store, bought the book, tore the plastic packaging and found a secluded corner on the floor where I could read it. Thank God for solitude! Never had I cried and laughed at the same time, reading a book! His presence was so present there. I've not been able to finish reading novels lately, not sure why. Reading them half way and returning them to the library before its due. May its the lack of substance and reality or maybe its that I've grown out of fairy tales, but this book I knew was gonna be read to the very end.

I had to lower my face and partly cover it with my hand so people won't see the tears streaming down. It was hard to not wet the book, as I wanted to keep it well. All in all, that moment was surreal. Spent like two hours reading in the store knowing that another well-needed meeting awaits me. Thankfully the meeting wasn't that soon and so I had my very rarely found "self-quality time".

I just felt the love and presence of God over me. Hope started to rise, doubts started to fade, promises started reigniting. Haven't been in a right mind since exams, feeling hopeless and insecure. But those just evaporated as I turned every page. I still stand amaze.

It's crazy what a good book can do and even more meeting it's author! God set me up! Giving clues the past two days through his video interview at a very odd time and at that table where his books were displayed. The next time I meet him, I'll ask for an autograph and I'm pretty sure that that wish will come true. For now, I'm believing in so much more.

Although very very different, Vujicic and I share an even bigger similarity. We worship the same God! And that is when I realize that I'm not just living for myself, but I'm living for something greater and that makes life all the more worth while living. We all can live LIFE WITHOUT LIMITS, if we choose to!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Friday, March 8, 2013

It was just last night when I was trying to play the guitar and soak in His love for me, winding down after a long day's work. The downside? I wasn't spending the night in my own room and the guitar was a classical. Trying to press the "wide-spread" strings with my comparatively tiny fingers was a struggle. Not too sure whether it was lethargy or frustration, but no words were sung. As I flowed into a simple tune, plucking the strings and gently catching the rhythm, fading into a melody of four simple chords, I realize that no words need to be sung.

Giving up out of frustration, I just let the sound of the strings sing. That moment, like a subtle jolt, I realized that the strings can sing for itself and so can my heart without words. Too many revelations flood my mind this very second. Psalms 66:4 says that "All the earth shall worship you.." and I doubt a guitar would be excluded. (lol, just thinking out loud.)

And so as I begin to fully grasp what worship from the heart is all about, I realize that words maybe the last thing on my mind sometimes, maybe even on His. Why? Cos words can't really fully describe the greatness and wonders of this Awesome God we serve! He's so far-fetched that the word "far-fetched" to describe Him would be undermining His glorious ways!

If God could read our hearts, I believe it would be a far cry from what we are actually expressing. Words and actions can only limit ourselves from fully and truly letting out on how we feel! And so as I was browsing through Bethel's Facebook site, the two words "WITHOUT WORDS" jumped out at me, and I was there and then introduced to a whole new world of songs without words, the power it brings in an 'unscripted' manner and the answer to my subconscious question I had in my quiet time last night when I just had no words.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Working here has been more than a roller coaster ride
That would be an understatement.

Never knew that one month of internship
Can throw all that I've known in my sheltered life out the window
And open my eyes to a door just half opened
Mercifully giving me time to digest whatever lies behind

Can't fathom the amount of joy and gratification I'm feeling from my job
It's crazy and I don't wanna turn a 'workaholic'
But this is not something that I have always dreamed of as a young girl
No, it's something I reached through a series of 'pleasant' accidents
And many 'I-don't-know-what-to-do's"
Through very unassuming ways

Thanks to this blog of mine
I got exposed to the world of writing and beyond
With great encouragement coming from overseas
And nothing else to study
I stand amazed at where I stand.

With God before me
And Britt Nicole playing through my headphones
It's like I can take on whatever the world brings

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Caught in the mix up and thrown into the water
Flapping my arms and feet to survive this feat
I struggle to not just survive this massive sea around me
But to understand what and all that IS happening around me

Suddenly things become so clear
That it's not as easy as Black nor White
The greyish areas permeates
And then the "wrongs" are made right

In my innocent, over-sheltered and naive mind
The equation is as easy as simple math
"We do our job, something we love, and people benefit from that!"
It's hard to realize that it's way more complicated than it seems

Like how being naked is not wrongNeither it a sinBut that does not legalize the use of pornographyOr just the fact that millions come out of it

In this haze I don't know where I stand
A mystified mess that no one seems to understand
When both sides justify with legal rights?
Where does the law stand in on who is REALLY right?

The system has been tampered
And corruption seems inevitable
Camouflaging into the system
Like it was an original

It's not yet a month but I'm seeing so much
Educated people in suits aren't all that "educated"
While people in tattoos and piercings have the nicest mannerisms on earth
The wall of "stereotyping" I grew up with, broken down bit by bit

Friday, February 8, 2013

Saturday, February 2, 2013

The working world is a cultural shock
Not just a slight knock
But more like hard rock
Shaking you out of your "fairytale" world
Into a world where greed, fame and lust is real
Making it more than just, realistic

Sometimes I wonder how do people survive this world
But that's the thing.
They do survive.
And that's just being part of this "dog eat dog" world that we live in

Growing up not in the "best" of environments
But somehow still very much protected and sheltered
Coming out of this "shell" we all have to leave sooner or later
I wonder what is the right environment to be brought up in

To protect or to expose?
That is the question.
I wouldn't want my children to face the cultural shock I'm facing now
But then again they need to know whatever happens in society or politics
This is the environment they will eventually grow up in
So what do we do about it?

But then again there are nice people out there
And its just another war going on in the inside of my head
Like where do I place my feet?
When should I act all professional?
Or be friendly and just "be myself"?

The thing is that everywhere and everyone will tell you to
JUST BE YOURSELF
But the thing is being yourself is not always what they want or need or even prefer
Not easy being Christ-like when you're submerged into a culture so different from Heaven :P

But I'm growing up and I do love my job
Sooner or later
More things will be revealed and unfolded
But one thing stands
In Him whom I trust with my life

L.I.F.E
Leadership
Integrity
Flexibility
Excellence

True principles I learned from one of my assignments
Being sent out, you see different corporate leaders
And some are really genuine in whatever they're doing
And so this LIFE principle is what I would live by

So Kingdom yet so Relatable
To this real world I'm in right now

Dear Lord,
Help me get through this cultural shock right now
To understand, in all that happens
To take of this experience as a "life-lesson" journey
That though the storms and waves may come
Still the more I seek You
The more I find You
And who have had it worst but You?
Help me see the light through all of these
That all these cultural shock I'm having
(And all that's within)
Is nothing compared to who I believe in....

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Remove not these emotions that you have placed within me since the day I was created

Remove not the capability to feel happiness,

hope, determination, patience, love and thanksgiving

Remove not the capacity to feel compassion,

to feel that prick of my conscience to do good and justice instead of evil

But most of all, remove not the ability to cry when sadness sees fit for tears,

Remove not the ability to feel sorrowful, confused and lost at times

when my emotions seem to tether between reality and a self-conjured wall of security

Remove not the yearning to be the person you want me to be

and even more than that,

Remove not the urge to make a difference in this life

and banish notions of wanting to exist, breathe and eat

Remove not these feelings that give me a personality and character

That I may never lose the gift You have placed within me

The difference that separates me from the animals and plants

You have given me a soul that is capable of feeling the good and also the bad

A soul that rages against the unfairness of life

a soul that weeps when it is afflicted

a soul that learns day by day to depend on You

for renewal, restoration and redemption

Remove not the part of me that makes me human, my friend

Remove not my feelings despite the pain because without the pain

I would not have learnt to reach for you for comfort and unfailing love

Remove not these feelings for they become the stepping stones for me

Stairways to honesty and acknowledgement of the times when I fail

that You were there to accept the wretched fool that I am

Remove them not, my Friend remove them not

*something a dear friend wrote back in 2005, I was 14 back then, but she scripted whats on my mind right now, putting disorganized thoughts, feelings and responses to paper. This is part of growing up but I know I'm in safe Hands.

When life takes a toll on you
You see things from a different light
Not the Light you're thinking off
But it's funny how my brain works

When I'm stressed out and depressed

Seeing the night view eases the heart
I see art as the blood drops in that cleared water toilet bowl
Walking down 4-storey flights of stairs becomes therapeutic
Wondering what taxi drivers think of the negative stigma attached to them
Makes me over think too much

I also realize that its a mad world out there
A lanyard you put on with a tag on it
And there you have it

Curious stares from citizens and immigrants alike
Some tourist even know whats our local paper

I play a psychology game to keep myself protected
Lanyard goes on when its not safe
Off when I don't want unnecessary attention

Life as who I'm right now ain't all that easy
Not because of the present being
But cos of all of the negative stories
Case studies, experiences all too extreme
Making me perceive my present world
More scary than it seem

But it is FUN!
And life's a journey
Can't believe I got "conned" into this field
With nothing on my mind to study
This blog saved me when I was Form5
At the end of a great depression
I found my avenue of expression
It started cos my friends were earning money with ads on it
It started the same for me
But nevertheless I found myself differently

Never thought that I could write and just write
And it just eased my soul
What I couldn't say with my mouth
I just did it with my fingers

Never was it my dream to be a journalist
I mean who writes that as an essay when you're standard two
I wanted to be a teacher, lawyer or psychologist
But skeptically ended up being a journalist.

It's too soon to tell
And time would only tell
But I'm excited with what I'm doing
And love my job as so it seems
Its just life on the ......Other Extreme. :)

Friday, January 18, 2013

I just cannot write for what I do not believe in
I cannot be given assignments paraphrased
Cos no one else wants them

I just cannot keep quiet and see all the corruption
I cannot sit back when I have a mouth to speak
And a hand to write

I just cannot handle the cultural shock I'm facing
Being "sheltered" all my life
Isn't really all that helpful

I just cannot pen down words that are not in my soul
I love justice
Not cos it's cool but cos it is right

I just cannot go on demonstrations
If I do not understand the cause
Was it really for mankind or more for "humane-kind"

I just cannot bring myself to do things
Even if it gives a salary
It's the passion that will make me keep my job

I just cannot stand it when everyone speaks in euphemisms
Trying to guess what's happening or already have been happening
Its really hard for a 21 year old

I don't want to be conned into doing assignments I do not agree to
But its the experience that counts
And if I don't see it now, I'll never fight for change

I did not understand the phrase
"Evil triumphs when righteous men do nothing" as a college freshie
Three years later into the working world, I finally understood

I cannot sit back and relax
Complaining and blaming
Without doing anything

And as I'm pacing around in this office cos I'm alone here writing a "not-heeded" story, I choose to believe that God is righteous, faithful and ever-loving. I go over to my boss' desk and see a wooden plaque by his board. It meant Peaceful with the the verse Micah 6:9 at the bottom. I bent forward to take a closer look:

"And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justice, to love mercy

And to walk humbly with your God."

I can see the difficulty faced
But I just cannot.

*I love my bosses, they're really kind and friendly, taking real care of me, fifth day as an intern and I'm seeing so much already. Can't believe there's so many righteous people in my country, but I still question the ones on top. It just boggles my "naive" mind.

Monday, January 14, 2013

How is love seen?
How is it shown?
Is it an untouchable feeling?
I don't even know why I'm asking.

Surrounded by couples with the lack of affection
Getting caught up in all the "no action"
Is this the way love is?
How God intended it to be?

So how much love would you show
A life partner, teacher or friend
Your mother or father
Babies and aunties
Cat's, dogs or any emotional being

How do we convey the strong feeling inside
Is it supposed to be kept in till the day of "I do?"
Bottled up like we're robots
Just because?

Like how far can affection get
Before it turns to lust?
Or unhealthy love?
Or infatuation with the form rather than the being?

God created my heart
The blood running through my veins
The way my heart skips a beat
I was created to feel and to be real

To feel, know, receive and give LOVE
To understand the true essence of it
Not mincing it because I feel insecure
But to give from that overflowing from above

I don't love from a lack of love
With the hope of receiving love to make me complete
I am made whole
Fully and completely loved by the true definition of Love

But how do you show love?
When church goers restrain themselves from showing affection
To their partners and spouses
Is it cos they were wired that way?

Or is it because of a stigma attached
That leaders should not be all mushy?
When somehow I figured
That God put those mushy feelings in us

He ravishes His love on us
So why are we holding it back?
We try our best to return it to God
But go half-heartedly when it comes to men

PDA seems negative
A public display of affection is detrimental
But does that mean we should never publicly announce our love?
Even when the feeling's so strong, erupting in our soul?

If we publicly display our affection in the right way
With the 5 love languages God gave us
I think the word PDA is what we really need at the moment
To tell the world and be true to our feelings

To stop living in denial
Or under the pressure of what people are thinking
We should Love. Out. Loud
The way we were born to love and to be loved

God was affectionate.
He died to have a relationship
To fight for something worth fighting for
Love drove Jesus to the cross

It was all because of LOVE.

So if it took God to show His love through such a violent act
What does it take for us when it's already been done
So we sit back and relax, sucking in our feelings
Or follow-through this given break-through

I'm still not sure how love is seen
Or should it actually be seen?
But one thing for sure
I'm not satisfied with the love that surrounds

I'd rather it be strong, honest, real and raw
That we will be willing to die for the sake of a friend or loved one
A love so strong it moves you to action and not only through speech
A love that is conveyed the Godly way

Like the words of a song by Megan Nicole:

I wanna be blown away
I wanna be swept off my feet
I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe
I wanna be lost in love
I wanna be your dream come true
I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you

The lyrics may sound cheesy but I think this secret desire is in most of our hearts

If only we would stop living in denial

And just be humans

The way God created us to be, filled with hormones, emotions and desires

Sometimes non-Christians are more fulfilled in this area because they're not afraid