Technology: it just does things. It doesn’t stop to ask if anyone might want or need the things it’s doing. That’s for marketeers to figure out. Technology just sees that it can accidentally do something when it was meaning to do something else. Then does it. For better or for usually the other thing.

Have you ever wished that you could answer a phone call on your cigarette? Or that a friend hundreds, even thousands of miles away could share with you what they were smelling at that particular moment in time? No? Well they’re coming soon to a phone near you anyway! (The ability to reliably make and receive phone calls on the other hand is of course not a function of your phone that is getting any additional attention.)

“I’m sorry, can I put you on hold, I’ve gotta take a drag.”

First from the Department of Unnecessary Combinations of Things, comes a marriage of two of the most addictive pocket fillers in America: smartphones and nicotine. The Supersmoker e-cigarette will naturally be able to fill your lungs with the delicious flavor of nicotine via the vapor pen base unit, but wait, there’s more for no real good reason! Using its Bluetooth connectivity (yes, that’s right, this e-cigarette is equipped with Bluetooth because, well… because it CAN be, I guess) and built in speaker, you can play music from your phone’s playlists or apps like Pandora and Spotify. And when you receive a call, your phone-cig can rattle your teeth with its vibration notification.

“Some say we’ve made this product so cool that people who aren’t smoking will start.” said “Supersmoker Club general manager” Roy Steijger, apparently unaware that that’s probably not something he should be excited about as a human being who should be in possession of a conscience.

And for those who might not need a phone they can smoke, but for whom the sound of farting into the phone will simply never be enough to satisfy their juvenile needs, your prayers have finally been answered in the oPhone.

Telephonic Farts in a Tube. The oPhone.

The oPhone, developed by Harvard researcher David Edwards, will “allow scents to be passed along through a text message, phone call or social media application via a Bluetooth-capable smartphone, tablet or computer.”

Since the invention of the cell phone, and that of the human nose soon after, humans have been clamoring for some way to share scents from impossible distances. And now, with the creation of the oPhone we will finally be able to engage the senses of long lost friends and loved ones as if they were standing right next to you being dared to “smell this thing” or test whether or not this milk might have gone bad.

Technology has given us so much, and made so many things, previously impossible to believe, now possible to own. I’m so ready for the day when I’m going to be able to text you the soundtrack of the smell of the thing I just inhaled, all wirelessly and bafflingly. And that day is coming soon!