“In youth, it was a way I had,To do my best to please.And change, with every passing ladTo suit his theories.

But now I know the things I knowAnd do the things I do,And if you do not like me so,To hell, my love, with you.”

Dorothy Parker

Yes Means Yes

As you may have read this week, Aziz Ansari does not make a good impression on a first date. The anonymous account of one woman’s sexual encounter with the comedian has incited a huge debate, from those who feel it exploits the #metoo movement to those who call it a crucial component of the full conversation. I tend to fall into the latter category, identifying with statements like this one from The Cut:

The response to both “Cat Person” and the Ansari story finds the #MeToo conversation changing and flowering in a new direction: one in which women are eager to discuss and change expectations around sexual manners more generally, not just to litigate right and wrong.

We are witnessing an unprecedented upheaval in our sexual politics and personally, I don’t want it to end until ALL facets are examined.

On a related topic, my husband (a lawyer) and I were recently discussing the legal definition of rape. Here in Washington state, it is defined by lack of consent expressed by the victim’s words or conduct. In other words, sex is not rape unless one participant voices an objection. This implies men are entitled to engage sexually until they are told to stop - a task which often grows more difficult the further a sexual encounter continues, as Cat Person and allegations against Aziz Ansari illustrate. There are rumors of proposed legislation to change the wording of this definition to lack of consent, period. A similar bill was enacted among California State educational institutions in 2014. If this were the case, lawful sex would begin with affirmative consent; ideally an enthusiastic and continuous sentiment among both participants. When I think back to sex ed in school, I don’t remember anything in the curriculum about forging an agreement with my sexual partner. I’m pretty sure the topic of consent was reduced to no means no. While that’s a good rule of thumb, imagine the impact if every teenager was taught they must ask to engage in sexual activity from the start. How many of us could have avoided regretful encounters if our partner had stopped to say, “Do you really want to do this?”

I was sad to see last Sunday’s NY Times cover article detailing multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against legendary photographers Bruce Weber and Mario Testino. 15 male models have described a decades-long pattern of exploitation. Vogue editor Anna Wintour issued a bold statement in response, putting the magazine’s relationship with the photographers on hold for the foreseeable future. Reminds me of Claire Dederer’s recent piece for the Paris Review, What Do We Do With the Art of Monstrous Men? (and correlating NPR interview). Long story short: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Speaking of Vogue, Serena Williams shares her struggles with becoming a new mom and her harrowing post-delivery ordeal in next month’s issue. Having a baby is no joke, even when you’re the world’s greatest athlete.

Add Patrice Banks to my list of female heroes. Frustrated by one male auto mechanic after another, she went back to school and opened an all women’s car repair shop complete with an adjacent nail salon and blow dry bar - genius! Today, their mission is to offer women automotive buying and repair services based on trust, education, inclusion, and empowerment. Be sure to listen to her inspiring interview on Fresh Air. 🔧💪

It seems like everyone is getting on the natural deodorant bandwagon lately and I finally found a winner with Malin+Goetz, thanks to a recommendation from my boss. It smells great and works like a charm - highly recommended!

Are you marching this weekend? Last year’s parade was so inspiring, I’d love to recreate the feeling. For any Seattle locals, be sure to stop by Mort’s Cabin in Eastlake - he’s been handing out free fabric for volunteers to create hats and scarves. See you at Cal Anderson Park!

♀∞

Have a Great Weekend.

Woman With A Plan is weekly newsletter by Sarah Richey, a Seattle-based working mom of three feminists in the making.