Archives for April 2016

The results are in! Last week I asked you to have your husbands submit their answers to a short survey – and the responses may surprise you. Over 175 pilots submitted the survey, which was way more that I thought I would get! (I even got to hear from a female pilot who is part of a pilot couple!)

One thing I learned from the answers? A little understanding and compassion goes a long way, for all of us. Aviation is a hard lifestyle, and it’s hard on all of us. It’s not a competition to see who’s getting less sleep, or who is more stressed, or busy, or whatever. We are all sleep deprived, we are all stressed, and we are all busy. This really opened my eyes and led to a great conversation with my husband, with both of us feeling more supported afterwards. He knows I work hard, and I know he works hard. And we both know that we need to show each other appreciation, maybe even more than a “normal” couple would.

Read the answers to see what you think! And who knows? Maybe it’ll start a conversation with you both as well.

(Warning: The results are a little long, so head down to the handy infographic below if you want to skip ahead to the good stuff.) Alright, here we go!

1.) How do you feel about your career?

Love it, but don’t love being gone all the time: 62%

Love it, wouldn’t change it: 27%

Don’t love it, but it’s my job: 8%

Don’t love it, wish I could do something else: 1%

Other: 2%

“Other” responses included:

“Love what I do, hate who I do it for.”

“Enjoy it sometimes, but it’s often stressful and exhausting.”

2.) Do you feel like your wife supports you and your career?

Yes, and it’s great to have that support: 92%

No, but I wish she did: 3%

Other: 5%

“Other” responses included:

“She supports the job but doesn’t like the unpredictable schedule.”

“Yes, but she resents it.”

“Now, yes, but there have been some challenges.”

3.) What do you miss the most while you’re on a trip?

My wife and kids: 82%

Being able to relax at home: 10%

Other: 4%

4.) Favorite thing about coming home? (Since this was an open-ended question, the responses all varied. I’ll include as many as I can so you can get an idea of what was said.)

“It’s really just a company thing. My wife lets me know how she feels.”

“Saying she misses me.”

7.) Do you appreciate what your wife does while you’re gone?

I should probably be better at expressing it: 56%

I do, I tell her all the time: 36%

I don’t say it, but I think she knows: 8%

And one responded: “It’s important to show her your appreciation, not just tell her. Words are too easy.” Well said, I agree! (And yes, it goes both ways.)

8.) Do you feel that your wife understands your job?

She does, but it’s hard on her: 47%

She does, and she handles it awesomely!: 46%

She doesn’t, but I wish she would try to: 2%

She doesn’t get it at all and has no interest: 2%

Other: 3%

“Other” responses included:

“She tries to when she wants to. She gets aspects of it.”

“My husband understands to a degree, because he is a pilot, too. However, I don’t think he notices all of the extras that I have to do to prepare for a trip.”

“I feel she understands parts of it. When she doesn’t understand, she at least tries.”

9.) In what ways could she be better at understanding?

Believe me when I say it’s not all fun and vacation: 46%

Come on a trip with me: 20%

She already understands it well: 16%

Ask me more about it/show more of an interest: 11%

Other: 7%

“Other” responses included:

“She has understood my job at every level. From flying banners to flying cargo and now as a captain at a major airline.”

“Slowing down the schedule when I’m home.”

“Set less expectations on when I’ll be home as things change in this business very quickly and are often out of my control.”

“Understanding the computer systems we have for scheduling and such.”

“No, she’s good. I don’t want her traveling down this rabbit hole. One [of us] needs to stay sane.” (Hahaha!)

10.) If you could tell your wife anything you wanted so that she could understand you or your job better, what would you say? (Or anything you’d like her to know.)

Okay, so before we get to these answers I need to tell you that there were so many that I couldn’t possibly write them all here, but I did my best to pick the ones that really stood out and represented the entirety of responses best. I broke them into 4 categories: Funny, About The Job, Help Me Out Here, and About Us. So here we go, these are the things they want us to know:

Funny:

“There are no stripper poles in the back of the plane.”

(Thank goodness for that clarification!)

“Clean my house, woman!”

(To be fair, it had a winky face.)

“Would you still love me if I quit and played piano in a whorehouse?”

(That one made me laugh out loud, and I freaking love how that’s the next best option to being a pilot.)

About The Job:

“It’s exhausting.”

“Although I’m surrounded by [people] all day at work, it’s actually a very lonely profession. Being on reserve, especially. I’m deadheaded around to fly one night here and there and am usually by myself. At the end of the day, all I want is to hear her voice on the phone, or a text telling me about her day (if I’m flying and she’s asleep) so I can feel a connection to home.”

“Its hard being away from home and family, work is not fun and games. When we get to the hotel after a long day, all you want to do is shower, relax, and sleep.”

“I love what I do and I’m good at it.”

“Imagine being poked and prodded every moment of your day from management and passengers.”

“I feel bad when my wife is at home and is on the edge with the kids and she wants me to come home, but I can’t always come home when she’d like. Flights get delayed, or I take on extra work to pay the bills.”

“I work like a dog!”

“Commuting takes longer than just how long the flight is between the two cities.”

“It’s not as glamorous as she thinks. Lonely nights grow tiring.”

“I don’t know what ‘breakfast,’ lunch,’ or ‘dinner’ are. I eat when I’m hungry, often in the airplane.”

“I love my job but I love being with [my family] more, and being away is not as fun as when we spend time together.”

“That it is very hard being away from everyone you love.”

“It’s not a job, it’s a lifestyle. It will all pay off one day.”

“All the great places I get to go to are not that great because I don’t [get to] share it with her.”

“It is nice to have time alone in a hotel, but it gets lonely, fast.”

“She has been around the industry for a while, she knows the job and she is very supportive and engaged in my life. She doesn’t need any advice from me about aviation.”

“I’ve got nothing on this one. Since she is a flight dispatcher, she has not only sat in on my jump seat but she also deals with other pilots and so she is fully aware of what I do.”

“She is extremely supportive and has been from day one. She knows that when I go somewhere neat or fun that sure it is enjoyable, but that I would rather have her and the kids with me.”

“I wish that she wouldn’t try to make me feel guilty about my job, or that I have to choose between her and my career.”

“I think my wife has as strong an understanding of what I endure as she can. She knows that commuting back and forth to work is a beating. She knows that training and checking events are particularly stressful for me. She knows my work schedules can be brutal. I just try not to complain when I’m at home – or at all – as it only serves to exacerbate how I feel.”

“It’s not always fun.”

“I love my job. It’s the culmination of a lifelong dream, but she comes first, not my job.”

“I truly wish she understood how lonely the road can be despite being surrounded by people.”

“I am filling this out as a flying wife… but I am also the stay-at-home when my husband is away. I would tell him to smile when he gets home. Be friendly, thankful, and notice what has been accomplished, rather than what hasn’t.”

“I do this not only because I love my job, I do it for us. We’re sacrificing a little bit of time away now so later on we won’t have to. I tell her this and she understands. Overall I don’t feel unappreciated. And I think she understands the nature of the job well.”

“Try to understand that it’s a tough job and I am doing it honestly.”

“Traveling fatigue is the single largest obstacle in our marriage. It leaves the pilot completely exhausted and unmotivated once arriving in our ‘home domicile’.”

“It’s harder being away from your family than you think it is.”

“I wish I could take her everywhere I fly to. She would love it.”

“Believe it or not, I do work my butt off at work.”

“A pilot’s professional life and home life are very different. While at work it’s hard to think about home, and while home, I don’t even want to think about work. While it may seem that every pilot is disenfranchised [about] what is going on at home, they are really just consumed and focused on working as safely as possible.”

“See the job as being one of opportunities, and not always obstacles.”

“Living out of a suitcase and [in] hotels is not a glamorous life.”

“I hate the thought of being in a crash pad ten times more than you hate it.”

“I like my job, but I don’t like being gone even more. It’s a lot of lonely nights in hotels without you.”

“That I do not sleep as much while gone as she thinks I do.”

“It’s not vacation. While it’s nice to go to some amazing places, I’d rather do it with her.”

“This is an extremely stressful career that demands a lot of me. Leaving home is the worst part of the job and every night away lasts forever. I don’t treat it lightly.”

“Life will be easier when I’m more senior.”

“Trying to build a work schedule is always a balance between obligations at home, and trying to be most efficient, i.e., most money for my time away. This is a ratio I’m always trying to improve, thus the constant swapping and moving my schedule around.”

“I would like her to know how stressful it really is sometimes. That after or during a hard day at work I don’t want to hear about troubles at home. I do want to hear about it after I have recovered.”

“I would like her to be able to join me on trips. The biggest issue is that I get to experience fun destinations while she works and raises kids from home. I want to share the experience with her so she can see it’s not all fun and games, even though we do get to have some fun at work.”

“It’s not as relaxing as it sounds on the road. And being on reserve, though you might not fly as often, comes with its own challenges and stress.”

“I love flying with all the ups and downs but it does have stressful times that I need to decompress from when I get home.”

“Being an airline pilot was all I ever wanted to be. Just because I sometimes look forward to leaving home does not mean I do not love my family or home life.”

“How tired I am.”

“My career is part of what defines me as a person. I really enjoy my career, but I do what I do not only for my own pleasure, but to try and build a better life for my family as well. I wish that was more understood and respected by my wife.”

“She does a great job at home while I’m gone and when I’m home, I admire everything she does and only wish she could ‘relax’ and enjoy her work time like ‘I get to’ sometimes. (Yes, Florida, the islands, and Aspen are nice, but then there is TEB [Teterboro, NJ] for a single night, Podunk ND, and small nothing-to-do towns somewhere…”

“The continuous body clock changes are hard and it’s even harder when you expect me to function the day after I get home.”

“Just give me one full day at home once I return from a trip to figure out which time zone I am in before the long honey-do list is given to me!”

“Meet me at the door!”

“We have no kids. It’s hard to come home and have little interest shown in me. She does work, and I do understand she’s tired. But when one is only home 2 or 3 days a week, and see their wife only a couple hours a day before she goes to sleep, it’s very hard to be close or feel like they are their other half. It’s more like having a roommate and you start to grow apart.”

“Actually initiate a conversation about my trip. Ask, ‘How was the hotel? Who was your crew?’ Show some interest about… anything.”

“Please ask for help when you want & need it.”

About Us:

“My life’s pretty great and so is the wife. :)”

“I may not always act like it or say it enough, but you do a wonderful job with our kids and keeping up on the day-to-day activities. Even when I am home, you never seem to stop and I need to work on telling you more often how grateful I am to have a wife like you and such an incredible mother to our two children. I know sometimes in your eyes it seems like I am on a two week vacation every time I take off for work, but my real vacation starts when I am pulling in the driveway and getting to spend my time with you and our kids until I have to go back to work again.”

“I love you so much and I’m lucky to have you!”

“I would enjoy my job so much more if I could share it with you, family.”

“Just know that I can’t wait to spend more time with her now that I’m flying less.”

“That she’s awesome and the support she gives is what makes it all possible!”

“Thank you! Because of you I have a wonderful career.”

“How much I appreciate all she does when I am away.”

“Love my job, but love my family more. If I had to choose, it would be family.”

“That I miss going out fishing on our boat with her.”

“I’m glad you’re not as stressed as you used to be.”

“Thanks for being supportive and working so hard for the family while I am away on a trip. I know it is difficult to try and schedule life sometimes but you always make it work. Thanks for being a great wife and mother with my sometimes chaotic career.”

“She’s great!”

“The current situation is only temporary. It will change, hang on with me and it will be worth all the sacrifices made so far.”

“At 20k hours she understands my job. We have a wonderful relationship and miss each other when apart. She knows that I work hard and I know that she works hard at home running the home and raising our boys when I’m away. That’s why it works. We both work hard towards a common goal.”

“I appreciate you so much. I know it is not easy being at home alone with the kids for days on end. I want you to know that I love you, I value you, and I think you’re a great mom and wife.“

“I think of you more often than you think! Love you.”

“Knowing that she can hold down the fort while her husband is ‘off on his jollies’ is comforting, and I admire all the sacrifices she has made and continues to make as it does not go unnoticed. LOVE YOU BABY!”

“I love you even though I don’t say it often enough.”

“Don’t change a thing. She is perfect.”

“Thank you for being such an amazing mom to our kids when I’m gone working. I love you!

“Just be glad I didn’t choose to become a traveling gynecologist! But seriously, thanks for all you do! I wouldn’t be able to have this career AND a family without your help.”

“I would tell her that she is my rock and keeps me grounded. She reminds me that while I may have my dream job that there are more important things in life than aviation.”

“I love her and I really value what she does.”

“I know she’s unhappy but at my age, I can’t make a career change that would provide for the family.”

“She understands my job and the crap I put up with… Wouldn’t change a thing.”

“That there is nothing I enjoy more than when my wife is able to come stay the night with me when I end up at an airport that close to home during my duty week. It really helps break up my duty week, and I feel like I have a night at home just by her being with me. I am thankful that she is always excited to (and able to) join me.”

“We both think open communication in a relationship is one of the most important things you can develop, no matter what career you are in.”

“She’s the only one who understands me perfectly.”

“I would tell her how much I appreciate her allowing me to live my dream and taking care of the kids while I’m away.”

“She’s amazing, really.”

“I love you, sweetie. I don’t love work. Keep that in mind when I am an ass when we communicate while I’m on the road.”

“Thanks for always being by my side, through the hardest of times in an unforgiving industry.”

“Life is hard coming and going; feeling like a nomad where I live out of a suitcase. I try hard to transition back into the family routine, it is always a challenge and I will never be as good as you in so many things. You are the gel that keeps our family together. Airline spouses, partners of pilots, and cabin crew are the unsung heroes of aviation.”

“Love you.”

Sure, I may be away on a trip and you’re dealing with a screaming baby at home, but know that I am not doing this on purpose. It’s my job and I would and will help however I can when I’m away. Things like managing the house, the budget, the cars, all those little things. That’s all my job, and when I’m home, 50% of the childcare is as well. I do this job not only because I truly enjoy my work, but to support the family as best as I can as well. I love you!”

“That I miss her when I’m gone.”

“She really works harder than I do with her job and the kids and the house!”

“She is perfect. Wish she knew how much she means to me and how important her support is.”

“That I’m doing all I can to get her all the dreams that she has given up on to allow me to pursue my career.”

“Getting a good night’s sleep is great, but I love it when she calls me at 2 am on an overnight because she wants to talk.”

“No matter what, I love you.”

“Just how much I appreciate all the stuff she does at home when I’m gone.”

“You are awesome. I appreciate all that you do while I’m gone!”

“My wife understands my job and has always been the best support system I have. I wouldn’t be here without her.”

“Thanks for putting up with this roller coaster of an industry.”

“I tell my wife everything about my job and my trips. I’m probably in the minority here with that. I tell her everything there is about planes. She asks me questions and we can have conversations about my job. My wife helps me study for recurrent, she’s my positive in a sometimes negative situation. She loves to come on trips with me and she loves my passion for my career. She’s my biggest supporter and I am hers.”

“I will never put this job before our family.”

“I love you.”

“Dear, you do a great job supporting my career.”

“Come fly with me… baby!”

I don’t know about you, but I was blown away by some of these responses. These guys love us, ladies. They really do. Make sure you give your man an extra kiss when you see him next. Orrrrr, maybe even a BJ. Nothing like feeling appreciated!

As adults, it can be hard to make new friends. As a pilot’s wife, it can feel almost impossible at times. Why? Because with kids, a full schedule (whether you work or stay at home), and a husband who’s gone for work, there’s little time left over for ourselves, let alone for making friends. (Or cleaning. Ha!) But I’m here to tell you that making friends is so important – especially as the wife of a pilot.

Whether you have one of each type or just a few friends who are a combination of these, let’s go through them and see why each is important to have in our lives, shall we?

Other Pilot Wives

This starts off our list because it’s important. No one gets it like other pilot wives, which is why it’s good to have them as friends. We need each other to share the ups and downs of aviation life, as it comes with its own stressors and unique circumstances. It doesn’t matter which airline you’re with, or whether you’re regional or mainline; having a friend who understands bidding, schedules, domiciles, non-revving, being alone, and commuting is priceless. (Psst… Look online. The Pilots’ Wives group on Facebook is a great place to start – you can also find groups for wives of each airline, pilot wives with kids, and other groups specified by city/state.)

The Neighbor

This friend can be absolutely indispensable to a pilot’s wife. I’ve had neighbors help me with child care, after school care, dead car batteries, and other small crises that are part of being home alone part-time. You don’t get to choose your neighbors obviously, but it really helps to try and get to know them. (Also check out any neighborhood gatherings or meet-ups; you can find friends more than one house away!)

The Online Girlfriend

You know her, she’s the one whose points you agree with in online groups, who’s had your back on certain topics, and who made you take the leap and hit that friend request button.

You’ve shared private messages, supported each other behind-the-scenes, and chatted away an entire evening because you just click. You would love to meet her in person if, you know, your benefits actually worked and you didn’t have 3 kids to watch by yourself. Until then, thank goodness for the Internet.

The Used-To-Be-Internet-Only-But-Now-You’ve-Met-In-Person Friend

Sometimes you DO get lucky enough to meet someone in person you’ve only ever met online – and it can be magical. I had the opportunity to go to a pilot wife meet-up in Sedona recently and I can’t tell you how awesome it was! We all drank together, laughed together, hiked together, and became instant friends. One of the best trips of my life so far. If you ever get the chance to meet another pilot wife in person – do it! You never know where that friendship could take you.

Meeting other pilot wives in Sedona – it was a blast!

The Veteran Pilot Wife

Oh, yes. This friend is like a gold mine. She’s been there and back and will help you through it, too. She knows how tough your life is right now, and she totally feels for you. The best part? She gives you hope. Because one day, you too will be done with diapers and vomit and, “Mom! Moooooooooom!!! I neeeeeeed you!!”

You’ll be able to shower. And not show up somewhere with Cheerios and spit-up in places you didn’t know they could be. You’ll get sleep. SLEEP, people!! And not the kind that’s interrupted every couple hours. That’s right, I’m talking about 8 hours of solid silence with no body parts digging into your ribs. That day will come. And this friend will keep you going because she represents the light at the end of the tunnel. Good pay AND a good schedule?! That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

The Bestie

This is the friend you’ve had since before high school. You’ve gone through bad hairstyles, bad outfits, and bad boyfriends together. You may not live in the same state, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pick up the phone and pick right back up where you left off. Now instead of boyfriends you talk about your marriages, and instead of homeroom gossip you talk about raising kids. You still laugh together, and you still cry together. And you can look back with amazement on a solid friendship that has lasted for years. It’s the friendship you can always count on to still be there no matter what happens, and especially when stuff happens. She will always be there for you, and you will do the same.

The Other Bestie

This is the friend you have that lives nearby that knows all about the day-to-day stuff that happens. She’s there to meet you for coffee or playdates, and is always ready to go shopping or just hang out at your house or hers for some much-needed wine and girl time. If your two besties ever meet, they become insta-friends as well. Because let’s face it, your taste in friends is awesome.

The Listener/Therapist

This is the friend who is always there to listen to your problems and empathize with you. She understands you and has the best advice. She’s never judgmental or critical; she simply listens and is there for you. Whether you need to complain, vent, or cry, this is your girl.

The Fun One

She’s the one who plans themed parties, who jumps at the chance to cheer you up if you need it by taking you out for drinks, and who knows the best places around town to entertain the kiddos. Don’t have plans? She’s happy to make them for you, as she’s always coming up with new ideas and ways to enjoy life. Her happiness rubs off and her laugh is contagious; you always feel better after spending time together.

The Cheerleader

She’s your support and your number one fan. She believes in you and makes you believe in yourself, too. She is the one who’s there for you, cheering you on even when you feel like you have nothing left. She reminds you what a great mom you are when you’re at the end of your rope, and she’s there to tell you that you can handle anything. (Remember when your husband was gone for training and you handled it all? And the kids were alive and fed AND happy? You’ve got this.) She is a great comfort when you get too down on yourself, and that’s what makes her a great friend to have.

Stay happy, friends! Surround yourself with supportive people and grow your tribe. It’s important to have a good circle to help you survive and thrive in this crazy lifestyle.