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Apparently, Riverdaleans consume syrup as if it’s a drug. They’re all hooked on this thing, and it isn’t even that good. Kind of like this show. I can’t stop watching. Help, I’ve fallen into a vat of maple syrup and I can’t get up.

As we learn in “La Grande Illusion,” the Blossoms made their fortune off their syrup business. Since Jason is dead, they need a new heir, and, LOL, they sure won’t give it to Cheryl, because she’s a girl and she’s crazy and this is 1850. Their extended family and “The Board” of the maple syrup company have also come to town, presumably to steal the company and/or judge. It’s hard to tell if The Board is different than the family members, because they are all Super Extra Pale and have the same red hair. Continue reading Recapping Riverdale: Chapter 9, “La Grande Illusion”→

This week on Riverdale, Betty puts two and two together and figures out Grundy and Archie were together at the river. At a performance, Grundy rocks out on the cello while Archie watches with his dad. Fred Andrews continues to make weird comments about how “incredible” she is, and then proceeds to ask Grundy to accompany the Andrews men to dinner. I don’t even have time to be grossed out because literally so much sh*t is about to go down on Riverdale’s fourth episode, “The Last Picture Show.”

At Pop’s, Jughead complains loudly that the local drive-in theater, where he works, has been sold and is closing. He slumps into the booth howling about the American dream dying, and Veronica basically tells him Netflix exists and he needs to chill. But, because Drive-in and Zero Chill is Jughead’s aesthetic, he rattles off a few movie references, mentioning that the “anonymous buyer” made the mayor “an offer she couldn’t refuse.” At a nearby table, Cheryl and Hermione have an unnecessary conversation about which of them has less class. Continue reading Recapping Riverdale: Chapter 4, “The Last Picture Show”→