Dating Advice #58 - The Bookworm Quandary

He's a super-intellectual and she's not. Is this a deal-breaker?

I just stumbled across your articles and found them to be a breath of much-needed fresh air. Thank you so much.

My question is this: I had been dating a wonderful woman for the past six months. I looked at the list of important qualities for a relationship that you posted in Dating Maze #35, and this woman definitely has the qualities you describe.

However, one major problem I had throughout our dating is that she is simply not as educated as I am. I am a bookworm-intellectual-geek who has been reading everything under the sun since I was a child. I love information and knowledge.

She is the opposite. In fact, at times she simply shocked me by her lack of knowledge about things I consider basic. Her vocabulary is as bad as her spelling. She moved to America from Israel when she was a child, but I don't think that has much to do with it. She is not well-read, bright, insightful, or at all an intellectual type.

So, you ask, why am I even attracted to her? I don't know. She amazes me in many other areas. We stopped dating about two months ago, but she is still ingrained very deeply in my head. Not a day (and sometimes not an hour) goes by without me thinking about her.

When we stopped dating, I found it very hard to "let go." We e-mailed a bit afterward, but I think I bugged her too much. She felt "used" and on an emotional yo-yo, so I finally let her go. But I am always finding myself thinking about when we will get back together. I worry about when I will overcome this, and if I made a mistake. So what if she never heard of Jonathan Pollard and I had to teach her the word "limbo"? I have been torturing myself for the past two months and do not seem to be able to let her go. I have dated others since, but no one matches up!

So, my question is: Should one's level of education and intelligence be a key factor in a marriage? Have I made a terrible mistake by ending our courtship? I appreciate any insights you have.

Mitchell

Dear Mitchell,

You say that you and this woman had all of the qualities we listed as vital to a healthy relationship. Yet one of these qualities is mutual respect, and it seems that you are having difficulty with how that quality relates to your courtship.

There are many happy marriages between an intellectual and a non-intellectual, a well educated person and a modestly-educated one, or an individual who reads everything she can get her hands on and someone who is content to only know the essential information in life. In these marriages, the more intellectual, educated or more well-read person has a great deal of respect for his/her spouse.

Spouses should not be expected to meet each other's every need. You can receive intellectual stimulation from your work or your friends. As long as you make the marriage your priority, you can also have good outside friendships.

We know of very happy marriages between a super-jock and a non-athlete, a talented sculptor and someone who can only draw stick-figures, a singer/guitarist and someone who is tone deaf, a gourmet cook and someone who can't boil water. In each of these marriages the husbands and wives admire qualities in each other, are mutually supportive of their pursuits (intellectual, artistic, culinary), and do not feel intimidated or diminished by the differences between them. Actually, they feel that their differences complement each other.

So you have got to decide if you truly respect this woman and whether you can see the intellectual gap as simply a function of personality, rather than a deficiency in her that must be fixed in order to make a future marriage work.

It also might be that the woman you dated actually enjoyed the fact that you broadened her horizons with your knowledge. Perhaps no one ever piqued her intellectual curiosity before.

You should also consider the possibility that her limited vocabulary and cultural awareness may be the result of a language barrier. A child who moves to a new country at age 10 may always lag behind in the new language and culture. Or she may have a learning disability that was never diagnosed.

So where do you go from here? If you can honestly say that you respect and admire this woman and can accept your different intellectual natures, then you and she need to have a long talk about how you feel about each other and whether you both want to renew the courtship.

If you can't accept your intellectual differences and respect her in spite of them, then you did the right thing by ending things. In that case, we suggest using a self-help book to help you mourn the loss and move on with your life.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 6

(6)
Anonymous,
November 3, 2011 3:57 PM

I can empathize with Mitchell very much!

Hello. I hope you do not post this comment, for I would rather not divulge my own situation to the public, but I am in a similar situation (to Mitchell's) and I appreciated his post and your reply. My boyfriend (who is Israeli too) is not intellectual and hasn't had the kind of education that I've had. Another difficulty is that I'm a full seven years older than he, although it must be said he's very mature for his age. We're very fond of each other, and he has so many lovely traits (a special sense of humor being his best), but I keep debating with myself if I should really stay with him! I love books, reading, writing, intellectual conversation, and strongly dislike tv shows, whereas he reads little, makes fun of intellectual conversation, and is virtually hypnotized by tv shows. I just don't know if it's going to work! Can his great sense of humor and other good qualities can make up for the lack of intellectual conversation between us? If you have any advice for me (in addition to the things you wrote in your reply to Mitchell), I would be very grateful. Thank you!!

(5)
S.M.H,
October 19, 2002 12:00 AM

He was wrong

Mitch obviously has a major superiority complex. To me it sounds like he loves the girl very much and that she probably feels the same way. As anyone who is in the "game" knows, dating is difficult enough as it is, and just finding one person with whom one can HAPPILY share life is an incredibly difficult task. Mitch found a girl whom he deeply cared for and was HAPPY with, most of the time. Intellectually he thought he might have had a problem, but obviously after six months of dating he didnt seem to be so terribly unhappy with her -just unsatisfied on a single front. What about all the happy times, the laughter, the good moments the love they shared together ? Are those not at least equall to the things he claims to be "mising" ? Married life is more than a debating match, more than a philosophical argument -it is about being there for another person that one cares for, respects and loves -didnt he have that ? Mitch, you blew it man. The girl loved you but your hubris was self defeating.

(4)
David,
August 6, 2002 12:00 AM

Education is A Goal to Many Paople!

Aside from the comments mentioned here, if education and intellectual pursuit are considered important goals by one partner, wouldn't it go against advice given on this website to pursue such a relationship?

(3)
Anonymous,
April 17, 2002 12:00 AM

On bookworm/nonbookworm couples: It depends on the couple. Albert Einstein's first wife was an intellectual (they divorced), and his second wife was not (they were happy). I know an intellectual man who had misgivings about having married a nonintellectual woman. As an intellectual woman, I can't really imagine being happy with a nonintellectual man.

(2)
Andrew Brodie,
April 25, 2001 12:00 AM

DNA and Dating

I believe that the crucial question is this: Can you see the other person's D.N.A. in your children?

If there is even one agora of lingering doubt after a reasonable period of time, one owes it to the other person to move on. Don't linger.

(1)
Anonymous,
April 19, 2001 12:00 AM

been there, done that

This past winter I broke a relationship simply because the guy was only interested in sports and "fun" - arcades, movies, etc, and never wanted an intellectual conversation or pursuit. I had to literally drag him into the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where he refused to look at the pictures. While he admired my talents very much, and was amazed to be going out with an "intellectual", I soon grew tired of his lack of basic worldliness and completely uninquisitive nature. I happen to think that it is crucial for both parties to respect one another, for some trait (if it isn't intelligence it could be kindness or easygoing manner). But I think that it is still, despite all the feminism that abounds, important that the man not be too inferior to the woman in the brains dept, while I often see happily married couples where the reverse is true. If anyone feels like contradicting this, please do. I would be happy to hear evidence to the contrary.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...