Improper Conduct

Drumroll, Please

You know that girl with the never-messy hair and the always-fashionable clothes who is a healthy eater, who only laughs when appropriate and never drops anything on herself when she's wearing white? Yeah, that's not me.

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Ever since I've moved to the suburbs, I've made every excuse to get as far away as possible from the house as regularly as I can. This was ridiculously easy when I had a job. I'd take any reason to stay out late ranging from using random reasons to stay late at work to catching a 9.30pm screening of Titanic in 3D (GOD that movie is long!). And I don't even like Titanic. However, now that I'm unemployed, my means of physical escapism have somewhat dwindled. It wasn't so bad initially; I made sure I had plans on the other side of town for the entire week after my last day at work. Then I went on a trip to Goa for 10 days (I went by myself and it was awesome but the only thing most people seem to care about is that I didn't click any pictures except 20 of a dog I fell in love with and you just need to get over it because I forgot okay?).

That's his nose. I tried to get a picture of his face but he thought my phone was a toy and jumped on it. But doesn't he have a cute nose?

However, in the last three weeks that I've been back, I haven't been so lucky and I've been stuck in the house quite a bit. And now my mom quit her job as well. This is her second week of unemployment and I'm still dealing with not having the house all to myself. Having been a latchkey kid my entire life, my system has been thrown a little off by the presence of another human being in the house for an extended period of time. (As a kid, I could never understand what the big deal was when friends would extol the virtues of having the house all to themselves for a few hours or *gasp* for the entire night. Why would anyone want to stay alone at night anyway? It's dark, full of spooky noises and potential murderers/ghosts lurking just behind the door and you can't even go to sleep unless you've emotionally blackmailed a friend into talking to you until you fall asleep).

Anyway the point is, I have to remember I'm not alone anymore which means there are certain things I'm not allowed to do; things which I may or may not have accidentally already done/said in mom's presence causing her to question my already flailing sanity.

I can
Paint my nails red and sneak admiring glances at them (not more than thrice a day).

I can
Think back to a conversation I had a day (or a week) ago and come up with the perfect comeback.

I can't
Dramatically reenact the conversation out loud with the comeback in tow and then loudly blame the universe for not making me witty when I need to be.

I can
Hum a tune. Quietly.

I can't
Burst into song at random/inappropriate moments including but not limited to when I'm reading a book, when I'm watching television, when I'm in front of the computer, at 8 in the morning when I'm supposed to be asleep, at 3 in the morning when everyone else is supposed to be asleep or when a particularly emotional/intense scene is being played out in mom's favourite soap opera.

I also can't
Burst into dance in similar situations.

I can
Spend the entire day reading a book.

I can't
Start talking to the characters, provide them with sincere advice, emphatically belittle their questionable choices or yell "You're such a psycho!" at them more than three times in the span of an hour.

I can
Stay in bed till noon.

I can't
Accidentally stretch the wrong way and fall out of bed with a resounding thud, quickly scramble up and pretend I did that on purpose.

So, have I mentioned I really, really need a job to maintain a semblance of mental stability? Because I'm pretty sure mom is this close to seeking psychological intervention.

Saturday, 24 December 2011

At my old job, we conducted sessions where we'd go to a few schools, show the classes a few films and then talk to the kids. I still remember the first session I took at Navy Children School in Colaba. There I was, a clueless just-out-of-college-girl with an intense fear of public speaking (even when most of the public was one-third my height) paired with another almost equally clueless girl who wasn't very sure she even liked children.

But I've come a long way since then. Okay six months. Shut up. But I have learned a few things.

Things the sessions taught me:

1) During the first couple of sessions you conduct when you are completely at sea about what to expect with a partner who's sharing your boat, a kid will fall and scrape his knee, a girl will throw up and a boy will poop his pants.

2) Once Santa Claus interrupts your class, the kids go wild. Unless the games mistress has a whistle.

3) If you can whistle using two fingers, you're officially cool. If you can't whistle, tell them you love dancing but never in public. Apparently that makes you cool too.

4) Children cannot walk into a room that has a projector facing a screen without breaking out into a shadow puppet show.

5) A ninth grade boy will call you Aunty just to mess with your head.

6) Never shake a kid's hand or sign his notebook howmuchever he begs and pleads. His friends will notice and you will be mobbed and end up being stuck in the room for twenty minutes.

7) If you ask first graders why people need the sun, one boy will excitedly raise his hand to answer, jump up and down yelling "Me! Me!" and when picked on will go on to tell everybody how his grandfather died in an accident where a car set his car on fire.

8) When an Australian asks third graders to guess where she's from based on her accent and a boy very sincerely and very innocently asks "Are you lesbian?", it's impossible to stop laughing hysterically without thinking of dead puppies.

Friday, 23 December 2011

So I just found this post from way back when (okay, August) which I meticulously wrote but then forgot to publish because I probably got distracted just as I was about to update. I have the attention span of a goldfish.

Struggling to open a BEST bus window counts as my daily dose of exercise okay? By the way, why does nobody offer to help? Do they not see how difficult it is? I did it all by myself today and sat there feeling all smug. For about five minutes after which it started to rain. But I had opened that window and dammit it would remain open! So what if the right side of my body was getting soaked? It was the drench of victory! Victory of man over machine. Okay woman over glass and steel or iron or aluminum or whatever that window was made of but still.

Is ignoring work to blog acceptable? What about reaching work late because you couldn't leave home without finishing your book?

Memories of my graduation ceremony make me wish I had a Pensieve. Ultra sleepiness makes me want to have a water balloon fight. Does sleepblogging count as drunkblogging? It should. I get pretty sleepdrunk.

I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2 and it was really terrible. But I still sobbed through most of it anyway.

Wearing a convocation robe made me feel like someone straight out of Hogwarts. I strutted across college like Snape and very seriously considered stealing my robe.

My mom knows someone who refuses to carry an umbrella even when it's pouring. He thinks that if cows and dogs and chickens don't need umbrellas to survive the monsoons, neither does he. Why do I not know such interesting people? Mom gets to sit at work and smile at John Abraham while I get to stay back late at work and miss ogling Abhay Deol and Farhan Akhtar.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Excuse Me, Where's My Mumbai? This city means many things to many people.City of dreams, financial nerve centre, city that never sleeps, entertainment capital cradle of cricket and much more.All apt descriptions for sure. But not enough to hide the one question that everyone wants answered but few dare ask.What about us?We, the citizens, who live, work, sweat and struggle to give the city its many colourful descriptions? We, with our desperate instinct for survival that's conveniently airbrushed as the "spirit" of the city.What about a Mumbai where I can simply walk down a street without stepping into something I shouldn't. Or take a long deep breath without being petrified about waking up sick the next morning. Where I can race my kid to the nearest tree. Or commute to work without spending half my working life in traffic. And the other half paying through my nose for a roof above my head.The truth about Mumbai is also its greatest lie. It's a city that can give us all that we work for but is hard pressed to give us all that we live for.So there's a Mumbai for business and a Mumbai for careers. There's a Mumbai for entertainment and a Mumbai for investment. There's even a Mumbai for stray dogs and a Mumbai for party animals.But is there really a Mumbai for me?

I thought it was just me. Just me who's slowly becoming disenchanted by this city I once loved. I used to think this city, my city, was perfect. Now I'm becoming nostalgic for a life I've never lived; for trees instead of concrete, for a home instead of a house, for walks instead of runs, for the quality of life instead of the mundanity of existence.

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

I think travelling by first class for two months spoiled me. I was mildly terrified of the ladies compartment today. Did you know that if you have to get down at Kandivali station, you have to shovepushscratch your way to the door two stations in advance? And then hordes of women invade your personal space and touch you inappropriately? How do people live like this?!

There was a lady clutching the doorway who almost fell off and had to be pulled in by three women. But does she heave a dramatic sigh of relief at her narrow escape and scramble inside the train like a normal person? No, she decides that carrying on hanging from the doorway and laughing like a banshee is a better way to celebrate.

I thought the universe was trying to make me feel better by getting me a rickshaw the moment I stepped out of the station. Then my rickshaw ride turned out to be a religious experience. I don't know what kind of murder-suicide pact my driver had in his head but the only thing I had in mine was "Please don't let me die, please don't let me die, ple - OH MY GOD THAT TRUCK ALMOST CRUSHED MY KNEE - please don't let me die." I swear my hands were shaking as I handed him his fare.

And to top it off, as I was clutching the rod in sheer terror and seriously considering cutting my losses and just jumping out of the vehicle, a man old enough to be my father whistled at me. I officially give up on the suburbs.