This post has been in my draft folder since the 14th of December. I just haven’t felt like I was good enough to be around anyone… even online. But then I was isolated and I felt worse.

Thank you to those of you who reached out to me whether in comments or through email. I needed that more than I can say. More. So much more. I wish I could give you a giant hug. It’s hard to get through the days when you feel like no one cares if you even exist.

Rather than write a whole post about my disappearance, I thought I’d go ahead and publish this now-edited post from December. [But if you’re curious, I will tell you whatever you ask about said disappearance.] I hope you’re all still here. I hope you know that I didn’t disappear because I didn’t want you, my friends, around. I am just drowning in my own personal hell. But I promise to answer every comment as soon as I can.

I can’t seem to take little things at face value. I pass right over the little positives that go on in my life. I don’t even notice them. I only notice the bad things.

Little things. I can’t seem to make them matter. Unless they’re bad.

I tried a new recipe that my whole family loved.
I treated myself to fancy coffee and an incredibly predictable and sappy Hallmark movie last weekend.
I spent the day with my daughter and her best friend ‘shopping‘ (without buying) and eating ice cream.
I am actually writing a blog post after a long disappearance.

You see, I should stop and think about those little things. Even right now. I should think about them. And I should realize that they are a big deal.

For me.

I’m not a ‘normal‘ person. Doing these things isn’t just a matter of course for me. These are huge accomplishments for a person who so often can’t bother to get out of bed until one o’clock in the afternoon. Some days I feel like showering and getting dressed is the equivalent of climbing a fucking mountain. Overwhelming and pointless. [No offense to mountain climbers.] I do it, though. Every single day. That’s a positive! But… I should be up and dressed earlier. Boom. There’s the negative.

I can’t stop before the ‘but‘. I can’t hold on to the positives. I cling to every single negative, though. Big, small, huge, tiny—every single possible negative thing—even ones that haven’t happened yet. On the rare occasion that I do notice something positive, it is immediately followed by the word ‘but‘… and I negate it.

Successful new recipe… but I’m sick of everything else I make.
Thought I could write a better story than the Hallmark movie… but I can’t write anymore and I’m probably not good enough anyway.
Spent the day with my girl and her friend… but I couldn’t take them anywhere really amazing because I don’t have the money.
I’m writing a blog post… but I haven’t written any fiction or poetry in forever and this is just another pathetic post about my fuckedupedness. Yeah, that’s a word now.

I think this also speaks to my inability to live in the moment. I don’t do that. Like, ever. I am in a constant state of regret about the past and worry about the future. Constant.

But. But. But.

My negativity knows no bounds. I can say positive things (yes, I really can), but (there it is again) there is always a but immediately following. And that but negates the positive thing. It negates it to a point where the positive thing doesn’t even exist for me anymore. Yet somehow the negatives are true and real. All of them. Even the imaginary ones.

My life is full of buts. No, not butts. Buts.

By the way, this afternoon, my son didn’t have phone service at school so he couldn’t tell me that he had to stay after… and I managed to not have a total meltdown wondering if he was kidnapped or hit by a bus. Good for me! But I shouldn’t have even panicked as much as I did.

Sigh.

And… I’m here today… but I may disappear again [even though that’s not the plan].

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.

I’m okay. Some of the time. 😐 Anyway… Mostly I just take care of the kids’ needs, but I have done a little work around the house. (I feel like I’m always trying to redo one room or another.) I’ve been reading a bit. Mostly when I should be sleeping. And this long boring answer is maybe not what you were looking for. Haha 😃 As for the weather, well, I don’t mind it since we haven’t had much snow. The kids, of course, want the snow to come on school days. They haven’t had a single snow day this year!
Enough rambling. Say hi to Mr Tips for me.

Yes, here I am. You know, you can always email me or start commenting on a random post of mine. I get notifications for those. 🙂 It makes me feel good that people actually missed me… because like I said in this post, I’ve been feeling like no one cares that I exist. The logical side of my brain tells me that’s not true, but the rest of my brain (fucked up part… which is the majority) always wins. I will try to stick around this time.

I didn’t really know if you wanted company. I just know how I feel when I retreat. I just want to be left alone. I didn’t want to intrude on that. But, since you’re here now, please do stick around a bit. I really have missed you. 😊

Let me tell you a secret. I *always* want company. I hate to be alone. I mean, I do sometimes want alone time, yes, but when I’m feeling down, I HATE to be alone. But that is what I am. Alone. Feeling helpless and hopeless. Yesterday I had a *huge* meltdown like none I’ve had in a long time. And, of course, I was alone. I took the proper anti-anxiety pill… but it’s not an instant fix. I literally didn’t know what else to do. Anyway… don’t ever worry that you’re going to be bothering me. And I missed you, too. For now… until you say something corny. 😛

Well… my husband is useless, and I honestly don’t think I want him to be useful. I find that I secretly roll my eyes a LOT. My sisters don’t understand at all. My mom understands a little but not enough. I believe that she (and my sister’s) just think I’m exaggerating when I try to tell them how bad it is. It feels dismissive and therefore makes me feel worse. So no, there is no one here helping me. Unless you count my NP but I only see her once a month and she’s not a therapist. At this point, I do actually think I need a therapist. But definitely not the one I saw before. He sucked. But it doesn’t matter what I think I need because those co-pays add up and I just can’t afford it. I can’t even afford one nice relaxing massage. And that would be awesome right about now. Especially if I can choose from a panel of super hot guys to give me said massage… and whatever else he wants to give me.

Thank you for letting all that out…I know that it was a really big thing for you to do.I suffer pretty much thr same like you do due to constant pain. I appreciate ur honesty and will drop by and say “HI” . BTW I’m Keza and anytime u want to talk just send me a line☺🌻

“Buts” are bad but “shoulds” are worse. You don’t need to apologize. You do what you can, when you can. You also recognize what you have accomplished and that’s an awesome big step. I’ll try to keep in touch more (you know my current situation)…💜

I have all the “should haves”, too… That’s the regret part. All those things I should have done differently. All those things I should or shouldn’t have said or done at all. These things plague me… when I’m not worrying about the future. I do miss our little talks but I totally understand. I mean, really, I vanish for weeks… ♥

Even if my words are really not very pleasant. I have mixed feelings about being around here more. And I feel bad because it’s all I can do to write… I don’t know if I’ll ever keep up with reading. But I’m happy to hear from you. 🙂

I’m so glad you posted. Almost every day I wanted to email but didn’t want to bother you. I’m sorry you’re so depressed. For once I can say I understand how difficult it is to get through each day. I spend some portion of every day having a brief meltdown but I frankly can’t help it. Let’s just do the best we can for now. Sending love your way…

Oh… you are never ever bothering me. You can email me whenever you want. Honestly, I prefer it over not hearing from anyone. I’m already so isolated. I know that you are going through a very hard time right now so maybe talking to each other would help. I have no solutions since I am such a mess, but I am always here. I feel selfish and terrible for being the way I am without solid, justifiable reasons when people are going through things like you are. Sending lots of love right back at you. ♥

Thanks so much. I am totally out of touch with everyone. I feel terrible… but at the same time, I wasn’t feeling like I could handle it. I’m still not sure. Everything just feels so hard. (And not in a good sex way.) I often want to just give up. I know I can’t… but it seems really appealing sometimes. Anyway, I’m glad to see you, too. ♥

Wow, I am touched by your comment. ♥ Thank you so much. I often feel apprehensive posting such dismal things, but I guess some part of me must feel the need to do it. Thank you again for your kindness.

disclaimer.

This blog occasionally includes sexually explicit material not suitable or intended for minors. By reading, you affirm that you are of legal age (18+) to view such content and you consent to do so. This blog may also contain profanity because I have a fucking dirty mouth. Hope you’re okay with it.