More forces approach, all from the north. Ikensall's Steampunk Engineers, Cpt. Zipps' Space Commies (bet you thought you were going to get Super Jews, didn't you?), and Robot Monkey's Space Marines. Wait, those aren't space marines, they're Space Mall Cops! They heard somebody was trying to shoplift some beer.

The Akkadian at the inner ring is enraged by the Mateys' taunting of the Mateys and the Ork's desecration, but Akkadians have no time for the opinions of others, only for duty. He presses forward, shoving the tank trap into the lava with a powerful kick. He's not able to jump across this turn, so he takes cover behind it for the time being.

Meanwhile, the other Akkadian, rescued from the lava, rolls a 1 on his Burning Roll and the fire goes out. I swear, luckiest guy ever. He bumps fists with the Necromancer who rescued him.

The Orks feel that they haven't provoked the Akkadian enough and run forward to kick him into the lava. He successfully Parries the Shove with his Akkadian butt. The other clumsy Orks pick themselves up off the ground and start grabbing rubble to build cover, but the axe-armed Ork falls right back into the lava again and is killed.

The remaining Dimmies try to copy the Akkadian, the first kicking the tank trap into the lava so the other two can hop over. He crit-fails and slips onto his back. The next Dimmy gives it a shot and the same thing happens. Finally, the last remaining Dimmy is able to accomplish the difficult task of kicking an inanimate object.

The Shitgoats pick up their fortification (and the Necromancers' Skeleton, riding in style) and start carrying it forward carefully. A set of strong rolls mean none of them break through the rubble.

The Skeleton jumps down to grab the fallen Ork's axe, and goes right through the crust into the lava. The Necromancer who resuced the Akkadian spots this, and runs over to grab both the axe and the skeleton's sword before they sink below the surface. Along with the mace pulled from the dead Dimmy, this makes the Necromancers the most well-armed team on the field. The remaining Necros begin building a mysterious box.

Since I haven't heard anything from Crazyhorse yet, the Crazy Horses revert to regular Horse behavior and the Brittanians hop on board, taking hold of the loose morningstar hanging off one of the saddles. Thanks to the Horse's natural weapons and speed, they are now the most powerful team on the field by far.

Along with the Big-Boob Girls and the Old Dudes, they head over to where the Ewoks have finished bridge construction. The Brittanians line up to leap across onto the fingers (an easy jump for Horses), but the Ewoks and FELC are in the way, and Greedo doesn't look like the type who's willing to share bridge access. "Oota boota, Brittanians??"

The Brittanians respond by bursting into the most atrocious rendition of "God Save the Queen" ever heard, disgusting and horrifying everyone in the area except for the robot gunners, who are robots and don't care about beer, boobs, or musical quality.

Before the Dr. McNinjas can use their human bridge to get safely across, everyone else has exactly the same idea. The Yodas are closest and get there first. The Black Ninjas are right behind them, but on the way past the lone McNinja still on foot, two of them suddenly strike. Thanks to the Ganging Up bonus, the first Ninja's succeeds in twisting the McNinja's hood around (modified Shove), while the second stabs him with his sai. McNinja tries to Parry, but crit-fails, dropping his bonesaw where another Ninja is quick to grab it. The sai strikes true with a Bonus Die to damage, and the McNinja goes down.

The remaining McNinjas can't wait around, because that lava underneath the first guy is hot! So they carry out their plan to whip themselves onto the center ring. But they're carrying three Yodas instead of the lone McNinja they were expecting, and they aren't able to whip quite as vigorously as planned. In the end, they just end up crawling forwards like a convenient Yoda conveyor belt.

The latest round of Vikings proceeds forward more carefully than their predecessors, but one still crit-fails and falls to his death.

The Death Seekers begin building a bridge for their leader, who climbs atop it and announces "Attention everyone! You are now slaves of the FALX! It is now your duty to come over here and help us build this bridge!"

The Natalyas and Spideys rush forward with bricks to build a covering wall (for the Natalyas) and stepping stones across the moat (for the Spideys). Two of the Spideys have enough Move to hop onto the stones, but they'll sink next turn. Aoffan, there's two choices when it comes to climbing up the knives: rush through them and take damage, or climb carefully and suffer movement penalties. Let me know which you're doing in your next set of orders.

One of the Natalyas busts through the lava and trips, but reaches the center ring. Meanwhile, the Commando Natalya decides she wants that How Do I Shot Knife for herself. She tries to jump down and catch the Spidey by surprise, but misses completely. On the Spideys' turn, he counterattacks. She successfully parries two points of damage, but that's not enough to stop the 10 his Bonus Die gives him. Her corpse falls back into the lava hole her companion just opened up.

The Stormtroopers are so ticked off about the UNDF guys jumping on their heads that they rip out of their Stormtrooper armor. Surprise! They're Brikian Regulars underneath.

The UNDF guy still on shore sees the Peach Raider's dirty trick, backstabbing Sir Pablo's Men. "Hey you bastards! I'm totally going to come over there and shove you into lava URK" Too late for that, one of the Brikians stabs him good.

The other Brikians start sprinting around the outside of the ring, looking for safe passage to the center. The surviving UNDF men in the middle try to pick up a tank trap to throw at the nearest Gunner robot, but it's a four-man job and there's only three of them. They take cover behind the tank trap while they come up with a new plan.

Meanwhile, Sir Pablo's Men take revenge on the Peach Raiders. The swordsman swings a mighty 11-point blow, rendering the Raider's 3-point Parry irrelevant. A second Pablo's Man scoops up the fallen Raider's chainblade and jams it into the back of a second Raider nearby. He goes down as well. A third Pablo's Man tries to Shove another Raider towards the lava, but fails.

Outnumbered and outgunned, the Raiders decide to get out of there. They run away and head for the Mateys' platform and, as long as they're there, shove a couple Mateys into the lava. Man overboard!

End of round. All machine guns have targets in range, so they all fire. The northwest gun fires at the nearby McNinja, hitting him, but it's only a 3-point flesh wound - no effect.

The southwest gun sweeps across the four Orks and the Akkadian, but such a wide arc turns out to be overambitious. He misses all of them but one Ork, but he makes up for it with a ton of Bonus Dice. The Ork takes 20 points of Damage and is ripped to pieces.

The southeast gun fires on the UNDF dudes hiding behind the tank trap. The cover does them no good, he hits all three - but his damage rolls are pathetic. Only one dies.

The northeast gun is as excited as it's possible for a robot to be. He's got all five Spideys and two Natalyas in the space of an Arc 2 firing arc, and he's going to take maximum advantage of the situation. Except... his rolls are miss, miss, hit, miss, gun jam. Only one Natalya is killed, and he'll need to spend the next turn Reloading.

You guys got real lucky with the Gunners this time around. Looks like no new orders piled up while I was posting this, except ForlornCreature's request to join, so I've got a clean slate. Ready for new orders.

ForlornCreature wrote:Awesome battle, the fails make me laugh because there are so many. May I have a spot? Preferably with DSM of a different colour, I love those things, I just bought eight.

Sounds fine. I'll give you the Naked (which is to say, yellow) DSM. Unfortunately, despite being Naked, you arrive on the exact opposite end of the field from the Big-Boob Girls, over where the Brikian Regulars just dumped their Stormtrooper costumes.

It's true, he only meant to disarm. But he had so many crits and you had such a crit fail, things just went overboard. I guess I can retroactively go back and make it stun damage or something, but it seems weird since you're the team of PURE KILLERS.