The Fishtank Podcasthttps://thefishtankpodcast.com
Productive Procrastination. Created by Sebastian Bowen.Sun, 28 Jan 2018 15:02:39 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://s2.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.pngThe Fishtank Podcasthttps://thefishtankpodcast.com
Sour Tales 🐄 #08: Zeno’s Paradoxhttps://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/28/sour-tales-%f0%9f%90%84-08-zenos-paradox/
https://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/28/sour-tales-%f0%9f%90%84-08-zenos-paradox/#respondSun, 28 Jan 2018 12:47:10 +0000http://thefishtankpodcast.com/?p=1878In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales.

Hello All

I did not send a request for the last few of months so I’m asking for payment to the end of September.

I’m requesting payment for the months up to September now: for most new members that’s the period from June – September i.e. £8. For others, it’s more.

Notices:

The Milk Fund remains solvent. Just about.

Since my last email some members of the milk club have gone to a better place. They have not expired. They have simply moved to the dizzying heights of the 5th floor. These are mostly members of the DITC, who moved in mid-May. Apparently, they have something called ‘sunlight’ there. The rest of us Morlocks continue to toil away in the shadowy cauldron-like purgatory of the 1st and 2nd floors.

This will therefore be my final missive to (former) members of the milk club now resident on the 5th floor. I have still to write to individuals to request final outstanding payments. I just haven’t got round to it. We wish them well.

For many of my emails I’ve railed against milk theft. However, perhaps our sympathies should really go to these milk thieves. These intrepid pilferers make the journey from their desks to the kitchen seeking ‘free’ milk.

I saw a procession of these go one after another on Friday afternoon, making the trip, reaching the fridge and eking a bit more from the bottle. Obviously with each additional trip, the bottle would have been noticeably further depleted; therefore successive milk thieves would take a progressively smaller amount each time, whilst endeavouring not to exhaust the bottle completely. (this is actually a demonstration of Zeno’s Paradox at work – we should have paid more attention in Maths)

It got to a point when these individuals made their sorties only to discover it had ran dry. Of course, such is the mind-set of the milk thief, they would refuse to believe that their act of theft could have contributed to the running down of the supply. Therefore the bottle was never thrown away.

These individuals would then have to return to their desks in a state of mild confusion at how this seemingly eternal bottle had ceased to deliver any further milk.

I witnessed one regular offender. He entered the kitchen. He filled the appropriate hot water from the dispenser and then went to extract his milk armed with his mug, a smug smile and his customary sense of entitlement. He opened the fridge and found himself staring at the empty shelves. One might have expected him to close the fridge door at this point. However, he simply continued to look expectantly at these shelves, perhaps imagining that if he stared for long enough some ‘free’ milk would appear.

However, none came. The dirty white abyss of the fridge stared back at him and only served to reflect the emptiness of his own soul.

Finally, he closed the door and trudged back to his desk.

Note: It is important to re-tie the knot after use (ensuring that the bag covers the lid) as a means of preventing ‘milk pilfering’, which is the single greatest threat to milk solvency.

It is the duty of every milk club member to ensure the security of milk.

I have mentioned this before but another great threat to solvency is cereal eating.

The milk club is for the supplementation of hot beverages, only. Cereal eaters should buy their own milk separately or use water.

Until next time.

Regards,

The Soulless Bureaucrat

]]>https://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/28/sour-tales-%f0%9f%90%84-08-zenos-paradox/feed/0IMG_9933-6thefishtankpodcastKnow Hope https://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/27/know-hope/
https://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/27/know-hope/#respondSat, 27 Jan 2018 08:15:52 +0000http://thefishtankpodcast.com/?p=1886
There is a frantic buzz at the moment in the UK, Birmingham City to be precise. And with it comes a huge burst of inspiration in the form of Know Hope. I caught up with the founder of the exciting new brand Kieren Frantic, to find out what’s it all about.

Who is Keiran Frantic?

I am a curator of whatever I focus on at the time, music, fashion design, digital design, video and/or photography.

Despite being young, you have been at this for over ten years. How have you grown as an artist?
When you say it out loud, 10 years sounds mad. I first started recording properly when i was about 16 I would say, just making grime with my boys because who doesn’t want to do that at 16. Then I got signed to an independent label when I was 19 but that was short lived, I took years out came back took years out came back again.

In terms of how I have grown, my writing influences changed, it started off me proving I’m the toughest kid in the area to just mastering my craft. As I got older I wanted to write about what I was going through, more introspective and now its all of those things with social commentary so all people can relate to it. Its our story not just mine.

How does the Birmingham scene differ from other city’s?
Birmingham is the city of underdogs. I like that though, its better to underestimated and over deliver. The only real disadvantage is that we have no structure here e.g no label, no a&r, no national station here. But again that isn’t a problem in this YouTube generation.

The 0121 anthem, what was the thought behind that?

Honestly it was just organic. Heard the beat and it was tough, hard hitting like a statement, so my chorus had to match. I was just sitting there like ‘jeeze where shall I start… 0121 straight to the heart’. I was going to leave the 0121 just in that bar and digress, but I thought for where the Birmingham scene is it would be good if we had an anthem, a chant. So I used that line to inspire the concept. It’s one of those songs that we will look back on like a Polaroid photo – it captures the timeslot before Birmingham blows.

When I first heard the track I couldn’t decide if it was Grime or Hip Hop. I wondered if that was by design?

Yeah its a grime type of beat, cold baseline minimal drums. But the flow I do on the verses is spaced out not a typical grime flow, makes it easier to take in the lyrics and more universal. Pretty good for a freestyle too.

Is there a new album on the horizon?

Yes, I’m currently working on the next album at the moment entitled Hope Dealer, Due to come out soon

How does the British scene stand up against the USA?

You see the thing is, in America they are not asking how does the USA scene stand up against Bangrah for instance, which is a huge industry by the way. I don’t think we need to stay looking over at USA to benchmark ourselves. We have our own standalone sound, loads of talent and we’re beginning to have our own industries to push it also, things such as SBTV and the YouTube channels, 1xtra etc. We just need more structure.

Do you think British Hip Hop or Grime could be promoted better in the UK?
I think it is promoted very well at the minute considering how young the scene is. Remember Grimes is currently being promoted and led by the same artists we were jamming to in school. They’ve gone from emcees to CEO’s in their own right. The problem UK has, is the media stigma of Grime – as far as the papers are concerned, we are the problem.

What type of artist can we expect to see from Know Hope?

Without sounding cliché, I only work with people that are the best at what they do, and know exactly what it is they do. It’s about finding your lane and owning it. I was told it doesn’t matter what you do in life as long as your the best at it.

What is the concept behind Know Hope?

Know Hope is a culture brand, its for the people by the people. When I say culture I’m not talking about black or white, Christian or Muslim – that’s race and religion. The culture is a mix of all those things, its what’s common between the unemployed 18 year old in Sheffield and the bank clerk in London. The fashion, music, language, style, influence, topics

The aim is to inspire, delivering the message of success through self belief. So if you are wearing a top, tracksuit, cap or whatever the logo is like wearing your favourite sports team’s emblem. By wearing it you are saying, I believe in myself and I don’t give up or give in. As time goes on we will develop this brand and message further, for now I’m just getting the message out.

Are you a record label or a clothing line?

Neither, its a culture brand. We feed the culture and get inspiration from the culture. It’s just everyday people like me and you who love what being young in Britain feels like and want to landmark it. We put out clothes, music, manage artists, put on events – everything.

I have to ask, what’s with the Panda mask?

You will see that the Giant Panda Bear plays a big role with the brand. The Pandas are symbolic to the type of people ‘Know Hope’ represents. Giant Pandas work best on their own, they’re not followers and their environment is causing them to slowly become extinct. Like us they are a last of a dying breed of leaders and survivors.

What has the public reaction been towards the brand?

It’s really positive, people have taken to it locally and we intend to expand and grow the brand over the next year. The plan was always home then Rome.

What are your future plans for the brand?

I don’t want to say too much because I like to keep my cards close to my chest, but its like I said, we’re a culture brand. So everything you see in our culture music, fashion, entertainment, we’re coming for it all. And we will spread our message at the same time, there’s purpose in all we do.

]]>https://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/27/know-hope/feed/0img_1095-1thefishtankpodcastSour Tales 🐄 #07 The Malevolant Starehttps://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/21/sour-tales-%f0%9f%90%84-07-the-malevolant-stare/
https://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/21/sour-tales-%f0%9f%90%84-07-the-malevolant-stare/#respondSun, 21 Jan 2018 23:45:31 +0000http://thefishtankpodcast.com/?p=1897In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales.

Hello All

Request for funds from January to end of July

I did not send a request for the last few of months so I’m asking for payment from Jan to the end of July. (some of you will owe November and December or possibly more)

Notices:

The Milk Fund remains solvent.

The Milk Fund has bid goodbye to some of its members – many of the City contracting team fled to/sought refuge at the Costa Del Sister Company.

We wish them well.

In other news Milk thieving continues unabated.

There is an understandable lack of willingness to confront milk thieves. Therefore a more passive-aggressive approach is advocated.

On witnessing an act of milk theft: milk fund members are encouraged to lock the offender in a malevolent stare; to then point to the milk fund members list and then shake one’s head in a disdainful manner.

Note: It is imperative to maintain a malevolent stare. A stare without malevolence is likely to appear simply vacant. Rather than feeling cowed or shamed perpetrators are likely to enquire as to whether the starer is ‘feeling alright’?

If you feel your stare lacks malevolence please practice in a mirror beforehand.

The Orbit time portal has been introduced.

To coincide with this the as of the 1st of July the Milk Fund has launched its Milk Usage recording system. This was after a lengthy pilot programme.

The pilot actually took the form of a surveillance exercise where some members of staff were ‘monitored’ in their daily visits to the kitchen. Some of you will have felt the creepy sensation that you were being watched – that’s because you were.

Members of the Milk Fund will be required to record the time used for different tasks and the quantity of caffeination required to complete tasks.

To illustrate further, Sherlock Holmes referred to the case of The Red Headed League as a ‘3 pipe problem’. Whilst the Milk Fund does not endorse imbibing the same infusions as Holmes in order to aid solution of work-related problems; certain tasks naturally place similar demands on caffeine (and by extension milk) resources.

i.e. Who among us has not been confronted with a ‘2 cuppa spreadsheet’?

Others will similarly have found themselves requiring several coffees to sustain them through soporific meetings and mandatory training sessions.

Members of the milk fund will therefore be required to complete a daily record of milk/caffeine consumption. This will require Milk Fund members to account for all caffeine/milk based beverages against the tasks/meetings they are required to complete.

This will involve listing individual tasks and then selecting a ‘tedium rating’ on a scale of 1 to 5. This will then be followed by totalling the required caffeine/milk based beverages required to complete the task.

This will be a daily mandatory requirement.

At the end of the month: the Milk Fund will collate none of the information and make no decisions based on this empirical evidence. The Milk Fund will instead continue to make decisions based on its own prejudiced attitude, applying its ongoing low opinion of the human race.

Regards,

The Soulless Bureaucrat

]]>https://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/21/sour-tales-%f0%9f%90%84-07-the-malevolant-stare/feed/0IMG_9933-8thefishtankpodcastSour Tales 🐄 #06: Goodbye Rachelhttps://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/21/sour-tales-%f0%9f%90%84-06-goodbye-rachel/
https://thefishtankpodcast.com/2018/01/21/sour-tales-%f0%9f%90%84-06-goodbye-rachel/#respondSun, 21 Jan 2018 23:43:28 +0000http://thefishtankpodcast.com/?p=1848In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales.

Hello All

Request for funds to the end of December.

I did not send a request for last month so I’m asking for payment to the end of December. (some of you will owe November and December or possibly more)

The Milk Fund’s budgetary statement is as follows:

“The milk fund remains solvent.”

Notices:

The Milk Fund has bid goodbye to one of its members: Rachel

Rachel’s willingness to testify in open court against ‘Milk Thieves’ earned her a spot in the Milk Fund’s Witness Relocation Programme.

She is now living an anonymous existence in an undisclosed location under a new identity: although her choice of new name, Anastasia Von Pommelhorst (IV) appears less than entirely inconspicuous.

In other news Milk thieving continues unabated.

The notorious “security bag-tearer” on the 3rd floor remains active and at large.

It should be noted that this individual only tears the bag on certain days of the week. This suggests a possible Jekyll and Hyde type character: An individual who is usually able to pilfer milk on a sneaky basis, but on some days (possibly when the Northern Line/traffic is severe), undergoes a “change”.

This could take the form of a furrowing of the brow coupled with a diminishment of rational thought;

This individual is therefore likely to be a senior member of staff. Over time this individual has likely developed an air of entitlement; regarding others as his feudal serfs over whom he has dominion. He therefore believes that what is theirs is his.

This enables him to calmly tear the carrier bag without any pang of remorse.

However, even more degenerate than the ‘carrier bag tearer’ (difficult to imagine, I know) are the people who screw the cap on over the bag.

This then causes milk to get into the bag.

If any of you are doing this please refrain doing so in the future as it is disgusting.

If you identify a milk thief you are advised to hiss at them as they walk by or spread libellous gossip about them.

The milk fund endorses the practice of rumour-mongering; as well as malicious hissing.

If you feel you will be unable to engage in these practices; courses will be available.

Note: It is important to re-tie the knot after use (ensuring that the bag covers the lid) as a means of preventing ‘milk pilfering’, which is the single greatest threat to milk solvency. Please see instructional video below.

It is the duty of every milk club member to ensure the security of milk.

Some people have had difficulty in tying the carrier bag around the bottle in a secure way.

If this persists I will have to introduce a mandatory bag tying training seminar; failure to complete training will result in cancellation of membership.

Another threat to solvency is cereal eating.

The milk club is for the supplementation of hot beverages, only. Cereal eaters should buy their own milk separately or use water.