Películas para no dormir: Adivina quién soy, a 2006 Spanish horror movie, translates to Non-Sleeping Movies: Guess Who I Am? Weird; the name I found this under is A Real Friend. Both are crappy titles that give no insight as to what it is you’re watching. And even after you watch it, you’re still left wondering WTH.(Digital speak for “what the heckaroo.”)

Tweener Esrtella’s dad died. Her single and still hot mom works double shifts as a nurse and indulges in her naughty whims with the security guard at their apartment buildingm in the romantic parking garage. While her mother is busy getting busy, Estrella, obesessed with horror movies and books, makes friends with Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s Leatherface (she even takes him to school) and a bald vampire who follows her around town. He’s the splitting image of Count Orlok from 1929’s Nosferatu. She calls him simply, “Vampiro.” It suits him.

Mom (non-mom name: Angela) gets a visit from a drunk, pistol-packing detective who warns her of this “vampiro” (clue: he’s been chasing him for years) who once raped her and later died in prison. He didn’t really croak. In fact, he’s in town for some more illegal lovin’. You can imagine the look on mom’s face when Estrella brings Vampiro home to share a nice dinner of homemade pizza and wine. (He picked all the pineapple chunks off the pizza before consuming. Good — pineapple does not belong on pizza any more than a garlic headband belongs on a vampiro.)

Dinner goes south, mom gets slapped, Estrella gets sent to bed, and Vampiro forces mom (which oddly she’s kinda up for) into a less than romantic encounter on el couch. It’s here Estrella summons her monster friends: zombies, Mr. Hyde and the real Count Orlock (nifty cameo). A chase scene through the underground parking garage ends with a confrontation with the saw. Man, I sure hope Vampiro doesn’t lose his head over this misunderstanding.

Despite all the right ingredients, A Real Friend never manages to deliver the pizza. Some blood, a little violence, not enough screen time for the legends of horror… It’s as if this was all in Estrella’s head. Chalk that up to the confusing script, which hints at some big secret behind dad’s passing (never revealed, although you can probably figure it out) and who the heckaroo Vampiro really is. Maybe they should put the pineapple back on this multi-topping pizza and bake it a bit more.