Friday, April 5, 2013

Remember last week I was all like, "Ooh, there are mountain bike trails in Manhattan that are only a 10-minute ride from my glamorous villa?"

Well, sadly I may have to take this particular park off the lunch ride rotation, since I went back there and was slightly unnerved by the open-air sex. For some, spring means riding bicycles, and for others it means scampering off into the woods and enjoying the "down-low" lifestyle. Certainly this is merely one of the many facets of the diversity I so enthusiastically celebrate, but even so I plan to confine my mountainous biking activities to less carnal parks going forward, if only out of consideration for the men whose homophobic culture forces them into the woods to enjoy the company of their fellow men.

Fortunately there are excellent trails to the north of my home that are in easy riding distance, and while they do require taking a longer "lunch," I have yet to encounter any humans humping.

Speaking of carnality, yesterday I embedded a Knog video (that in itself sounds pretty dirty actually), after which I embarked upon my weekly commute to Brooklyn--on an actual big-boy bike, and not a folding bicycle. Knowing I'd be returning to my glamorous villa under cover of darkness, I equipped my bike with some of the lights advertised therein. Here's what I put on the front:

Theoretically this goes on your handlebars but all the cool people put them on their forks so they can lose a finger in the spokes while trying to press the "on" button. The slow blinking mode makes you easily visible, but it's discreet enough so as not to blast oncoming commuters off their bikes when you're going over the Manhattan Bridge. (Although, truth be told, I kind of want to blast most of them off their bikes.) Then, the steady mode throws off a surprising amount of light, which is good because the greenways up in the New York City hill country where I live are pretty dark, and mounted down there on the fork I can actually see the pavement ahead of me.

I mean, sure, it might not be enough light to take you deep into the woods for a hot same-sex rendez-vous, but it will help keep you from crashing into a pothole.

On the back, I sandwiched this between my saddle and my filth prophylactic:

I assume it worked because nobody rammed me from behind and then claimed they didn't see me. [Insert your anonymous woodland sex joke here.]

Anyway, all these lights are USB rechargeable and a pleasure to use [insert your sex toy joke here], and when I think of how far Knog have come since making these things I break out in tears of joy:

So what do the gentrifiers think about their neighborhood's pop-cultural history?

“I care on a minimal basis,” said freelance filmmaker Hiram Decker, 32, a Clinton Hill resident originally from Michigan. “A lot of people don’t even know about him.”

Hiram Decker keeps it real.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll be so excited you woant evan mind all the tipos, and if you're wrong you'll see a Dutchman telling it like it is.

Annie, I, too instinctively squinted at the photo to pick out the dudes humping, only then coming to my senses and realizing that I would not want to see that even if I attained success in the "Where's Waldo" aspect.

Hey, I was in New York city this past week with my 2 seater clown bike; a small rural 10 year old on the back, who likes to yell "salmon" at oncoming cyclists who come close to killing us. We have seen the enemy and it is us? Holy lob corporate buy ins to what's cool, why go the wrong way down every durn path / street etc, and then glare at us bumpkins, even when we give way a little. Fixie scene don't seem to be dead in NYC.

Pretty interesting to go down the Hudson River path to Tribeca where I'd say there's way beyond Cat6 racing - can a native confirm? More like Cat9 racing with a giant sanctimonious ladle. Is there a secret other than coldcocking whomever comes too close?

Here in NYC, where everyone unfortuantely has to compete for space, especially our somewhat limited, although growing, bicycle infrastructure you may may occassionally run into people who are not exactly obeying the rules. Consider if part of the fun of city riding. As far as our propensity to salmon, i have to completely disagree with wildcat self-appointed-bike-police machine and say that in certain instances it's totally fine as long as you are not getting in the way of or endangering anyone else.

We have a woodsy area like that here on the upper big muddy. Saw a threesome once while paddling my kayak, and there were others around who were obviously enjoying the show. Didn't know how common this was until I used the trail through there for a portion of my distance run route. Guys tried real hard to get my attention, so I decided to run elsewhere.

Hiram Decker would respond differently if instead of Biggie it were the singer of his favorite indie band And We Went Forth To The Black River Politely. A black man can't get above a "minimal level" unless he robs the muthafucka. Which would set off a series of contorted tweets wherein Hiram strenuously denies being racist while still seeming kind of racist.

ATTENTION WORLD:wishiwasmerckx does not have a racist bone in his body...not one cell of a prejudiced thought on his mind, indeed, he's a paragon of virtue...his character honest and true like his custom carbon wheels. We are blessed to have him in our presence.

What a coincidence! Just the other day my hubby and were enjoying a nice bit of outdoor frolic and along comes one of those awful harbingers of spring... the people making their bicycling. All winter we park-humped in peace, but one nice week and it is all over.

I am curious... where are all the black people who can't afford to live in Bedstuy moving to? Mount Vernon? Spring Valley? Staten Island? I always thought it was funny how some of the hardest areas have the most bucolic names...

My dog asked me to paraphrase a line from O'Neill's "Long Day's Journey Into Night" and advise you to "keep your dirty tongue off of [Brooklyn]. You're a fine one to sneer, with the map of it stamped on your [saddle for scranial embedding]."

I think he's just being dramatic.

Even if it is only income bracket by asociation, he's tickled you think he lives someplace for rich folks.

Rollie, It was not me all the while with the STILL LOVE YOU LANCE!I usually put my John Handcock on my work so as not to dillute my comedic integrtity. I have laid down some real zingers I signed ANON and was like MOTHERFUCKER I KNEW THAT WAS SOME FUNNY SHIT...DAMMIT.

As far as Babble's blog goes she is so damn hot and thats all you need to know. There are words on it? Whatev.

And 3, SPARTACUS dug into his suitcase of pain and turned himself inside out and poured himself into the pedals and yadda yadda blah blah he is so badass.

Anon 524, Kickstarter: The screen shot for the video seems to show George Foreman arresting a would be bike thief, two cops shooting off illegal fireworks (except when Det. Foreman nails a perp?), a young woman, holding up the 20 year old Fuji Steel Frame (worth a fortune as scrap metal), who one presumes must be the bike owner, except if she ever got on the bike her feet would never reach the pedals. And finally the Wild Cat Rock Machine man laying on the ground looking for that oversized bottle of Bud.

But, after reading the specs I agree with you that the invention has promise. Interesting that no one else has thought of this before, it's not like GPS and smart phones were invented yesterday.

Sponsored Linkway:

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!