Thursday, July 29, 2004

Morning Sickness Revealed

I’ve discovered that there are many different kinds of morning sickness. First of all, “morning sickness” is such a ridiculous term. Mine has been “non-stop sickness,” although I will grant that the period from waking until lunchtime is the worst for me. I had heard that it was a bit like the flu, but I don't really think it's comparable. When you have a stomach bug, vomiting is usually a relief. You puke up the offending material, drink some Sprite and feel slightly better. Not so with morning sickness. Vomiting doesn’t make you feel any better. All of the nastiness, but none of the benefits.

You have your traditional Back of the Throat Morning Sickness. It’s like walking around with the knowledge that you could puke at any moment, yet you are simply choosing not to. You can just feel it sitting back there. Waiting for you. No, no, you say. Not right now. I am in a meeting. Okay, says the Back of the Throat, we’ll catch up later.

Sniper Sickness has hit me on several occasions. It happens out of the blue, usually for no apparent reason. The first instance was when I opened the fridge one morning to think about breakfast. Suddenly, the mere thought of food sent me into a gastric convulsion. I ran to the bathroom and barely made it. I had another episode at lunch today. I had eaten my lunch. I was just peacefully sitting on my couch. Then all of a sudden….lurch! I caught myself, though. Sniper Sickness is very mental. With enough focus, you can will away the need to dash to the bathroom.

The Violent Vomit is awful. This is when you vomit so many times in a five minute time period that, not only are you dry-heaving, but you actually bruise your windpipe. After one of these episodes, I usually end up drenched in sweat with throw-up in my hair. I’ve had the Violent Vomit mostly in the morning, although I had a spell at 2am once. “Honey,” I squeaked miserably, “Will you get me a glass of water…?” “Yeah,” Jason grunted. I waited ten minutes, then crawled out of the bathroom to find my husband sound asleep. Let’s just say that he paid dearly for that one.

If you haven’t announced your pregnancy yet, you may resort to Cat Burglar Puking. As stealthy as James Bond, you sneak over to the one single-seater bathroom and desperately try to wait your turn. “Hey!” says Phil in the hallway. “I have a couple of questions about those advent calendars…” Back of throat, back of throat, back of throat, you begin chanting in your head. Please no Sniper.

And last, but not least, there is the Queasy Quandry. I don't feel right, you think. But I am not sure how I feel. Am I going to throw up? Could I possibly eat a banana? No, that could send me down Sniper territory. Okay. I'm just going to sit here in this chair before anything worse happens.