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Six Domestic Violence Survivors Explain Why It’s Never That

Simple

It’s the question every survivor of domestic violence is posed, often incredulously: Why didn’t you just leave? The reality is that leaving an abusive relationship is often a herculean task that endangers the woman and calls for resources that aren’t readily available.

In June, after The Huffington Post ran an investigative report on a woman allegedly murdered by her boyfriend, we received an outpouring of responses from domestic violence survivors who wanted to explain why they had stayed with their abusers. We spent the next three months interviewing these women. While they offered hundreds of reasons, ranging from the logistical to the deeply personal, some common themes emerged: Fear. Love. Family. Money. Shame. Isolation.

In this series, you will hear from six survivors of domestic violence about why they didn’t leave sooner. The stories — told in their own words — are as distinct as they are similar. One woman suffered a brutal week of abuse before fleeing. Others stayed for decades trying to make things work. Two women were shot, the bullets narrowly missing their hearts. Another endured years of incessant stalking.

This week, stories like theirs became part of a national conversation when a video surfaced of pro football player Ray Rice violently punching his then-fiancee Janay Palmer in an elevator. Palmer, who married Rice just a few weeks after the incident, wascriticized for having stayed with him. Then, something remarkable happened: Writer Beverly Gooden shared her own reasons for staying in an abusive relationship on Twitter, using the hashtag#WhyIStayed. Within hours, hundreds of survivors were tweeting their own reasons for doing the same.

As the stories continue to flood in, we hope this project will make it clear that “just leaving” often isn't an option. We hope these accounts will prompt people to stop asking why she stayed — and instead begin asking how they can help.

These stories include descriptions of extreme violence and sexual assault and may be distressing for some readers.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

New national survey uncovers staggering silence and inaction around domestic violence and sexual assault; Overwhelming majority of Americans have never discussed these hidden issues with children or friends and 65% of victims who come forward say no one helped

Corporations announce major domestic violence and sexual assault prevention and awareness initiatives using the NO MORE symbol

PR Newswire

NEW YORK, Sept. 23, 2013

NEW YORK, Sept. 23, 2013 /PRNewswire/ -- Celebrities, athletes, corporate leaders, and advocates have joined forces to generate awareness for domestic violence and sexual assault and encourage bystanders to help, in a dramatic new series of public service announcements that feature the NO MORE <http://www.nomore.org/>symbol, the first unified branding symbol (like the pink breast cancer ribbon) for these issues. A new, national survey underscores the urgent need for the campaign, revealing that the overwhelming majority of Americans know victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, but they do not talk about the issues with their children or friends, or take steps to help survivors.

The study "NO MORE Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, Survey of Attitudes and Experiences of Teens and Adults" was conducted by GfK Public Affairs & Corporate Communications, and commissioned by the Avon Foundation for Women, and shows an urgent need for increased awareness, conversation and education around domestic violence and sexual assault, with an emphasis on what bystanders can do to prevent violence and help victims before it is too late.

Among the key findings:

60% of Americans know a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault

Three out of four (73%) parents with children under the age of 18 said that they have not had a conversation about domestic violence or sexual assault with their children

67% of Americans say they have not talked about domestic violence with their friends; even more, 73% have not discussed sexual assault.

Even though 75% of Americans say that they would step in and help a stranger being abused, the reality is most people do not help.

For example, among the 70% of women who experienced domestic violence and then told someone about it, more than half (58%) said that no one helped them.

But 64% of Americans say if we talk more about domestic violence and sexual assault, it would make it easier to help someone.

"The Avon Foundation for Women funded this survey to better understand why domestic violence and sexual assault remain so inherently hidden and marginalized in our society," said Carol Kurzig, President of the Avon Foundation for Women. "The data shows us that conversations about these issues simply are not happening. That silence leaves victims trapped by the shame, stigma and fear that these crimes carry. If we can encourage more people to start talking, we can end that cycle and bring these issues to light in a new way."

A new, celebrity-driven NO MORE PSA campaign is being unveiled to the public that directly addresses the silence and inaction of Americans on these critical issues. The NO MORE PSA campaign was spearheaded by the Joyful Heart Foundation, one of the many championing organizations behind the creation of the NO MORE symbol, and was directed by actress and advocate Mariska Hargitay, the Foundation's President and Founder, in her directorial debut. The campaign, involving more than 40 celebrities and public figures to engage bystanders to get involved, was developed in partnership with Y&R and photographed by world-renowned Timothy White.

Beginning today, the three-year PSA campaign will roll out across the country in local and national markets via print, broadcast, online and outdoor advertising, in movie theaters across the country, and in major airports and medical facilities. The Ad Council's Endorsed Campaign program has endorsed the campaign, and the Entertainment Industry Foundation is also helping generate awareness. Other major partnerships include Viacom, Lifetime Television, ConnectiVISION Digital Networks/ClearVISION and OK TV!

"Being a part of NO MORE from the beginning has been a great privilege, especially the launch in Washington DC, where I got to stand with Vice President Biden and Attorney General Holder," said Hargitay. "And if that wasn't enough, directing the NO MORE PSAs was a dream come true. Society continues to misplace shame and blame on survivors. That has to end. What we saw during the filming, brave and strong and authentic person after person, was people standing up for each other, for the people they love, for their partners, wives, husbands, children, friends, mothers and fathers, for people they've never met, for themselves. I was just moved beyond words. NO MORE fills me with confidence and renewed determination.

The NO MORE PSAs can be viewed at www.nomore.org/psas. Anyone can follow the conversation on Twitter throughout the week, at hashtag #NOMOREexcuses, where celebrities, experts and advocates will promote and share updates on the PSA launch.

The NO MORE PSAs are available at no cost to non-profit organizations, universities and corporations across the country to co-brand and increase support in their local communities for domestic violence and sexual assault prevention and services. Many will begin using the PSAs locally beginning this fall, (see a list here <http://www.nomore.org/nomorepsalaunch/> ).

The New Symbol for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault - NO MORE NO MORE has been in the making since 2009 and was developed because despite the significant progress that has been made in raising awareness around these issues, they remain hidden and on the margins of public concern.

Virtually every domestic violence and sexual assault prevention organization in the U.S. is behind NO MORE, along with corporate leaders, branding experts, celebrities, athletes and advocates nationwide.

NO MORE was designed to unify everyone working to combat these issues in an unprecedented way - whether their focus is women and girls, men and boys, teenagers, children, minorities, rural or urban communities - as well as corporate leaders from a variety of business sectors behind one, powerful brand created to transform awareness and action.

Corporations Say NO MORE

This fall, prominent companies will launch new prevention and awareness activities under the NO MORE banner. The Avon Foundation for Women <http://www.avonfoundation.org/> is funding a NO MORE bystander campaign to provide employers with training programs and tools to help their employees recognize the signs of abuse and better support victims. Kaiser Permanente <http://xnet.kp.org/domesticviolence/> will use the NO MORE symbol in their medical facilities and at community events to build awareness about the health impact of these issues. The Allstate Foundation <http://www.allstatefoundation.org/> is incorporating NO MORE into its ongoing work to help domestic violence survivors gain the financial knowledge and resources needed to break free from abusive relationships.

Verizon <http://www.verizon.com/> will feature the NO MORE PSA over its wireline and wireless networks during the month of October. The PSA will run on FiOS TV, wireless and online assets reaching millions of viewers.

"We believe that joining forces with other companies and the many organizations involved with the NO MORE campaign is the right thing to do because it allows us to leverage our collective resources and helps amplify the domestic violence and sexual assault awareness message across the country," said Torod Neptune, chief communications officer for Verizon Wireless.

Volunteers and financial support from organizations and individuals who care deeply about ending domestic violence and sexual assault, including The Allstate Foundation, the Avon Foundation for Women, Fifth & Pacific Foundation, Finn Partners, the Joyful Heart Foundation, Kimberly-Clark, Mary Kay, Sterling Brands and Verizon helped make the NO MORE symbol a reality.

In addition, representatives from nearly every major domestic violence and sexual assault prevention organization in the country <http://nomore.org/about/all-organizations/> have supported the vision for NO MORE's potential to revolutionize how these issues are seen by the public.

NO MORE is a new unifying symbol designed to galvanize greater awareness and action to end domestic violence and sexual assault. Supported by major organizations working to address these urgent issues, NO MORE is gaining support with Americans nationwide, sparking new conversations about these problems and moving this cause higher on the public agenda. For more information on NO MORE, to get involved or to get the symbol, visit www.nomore.org<http://www.nomore.org/> .

The NO MORE Study Methodology

Avon Foundation for Women commissioned and funded the NO MORE Study (NO MORE Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, Survey of Attitudes and Experiences of Teens and Adults), conducted by GfK Public Affairs and Corporate Communications, to research domestic violence and sexual abuse among teens, ages 15-17, and adults 18 and older, in an effort to further support the Foundation's mission of educating people to reduce sexual assault and domestic violence. GfK Public Affairs and Corporate Communications Group conducted interviews with a total of 1,307 respondents, 15 years of age and older. The study was conducted using the KnowledgePanel. The data was weighted to the population it represents. The margin of error for this study was +/-3.2 percentage points.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

This fabulous blog post was too perfect not to share. Thank you Liz (OCU, Gamma Tau) and our Alpha Chi Omega Ritual Specialists. This is a perfect post to share as many collegiate chapters start formal recruitment and head back to school! Alumnae - you also can live your ritual daily and PACE!

By Liz Ragland, Gamma Tau
I can’t pretend that it’s not true. It’s not a dirty secret or anything to be embarrassed about so I’m just going to put it out there: I’m kind of obsessed with all of the things that remind me of Alpha Chi.
I’m taking a detour from the typical ritual-themed post and borrowing a trick from Buzzfeed - a list! There is no sensational title or pictures of boy bands, or cats (or boy bands with cats) just an honest list of why our symbols, rituals, traditions, and history remind me of our common bond as sisters. Next time you see a red carnation, lyre, or a lyrebird out in the wild I hope you’ll think of our sisterhood!

Red carnations are everywhere – If you have ever been tasked with buying red carnations for bid day or any Alpha Chi ceremony you may think that they are hard to find but really, they are almost always available! It’s kind of awkward to get sentimental standing in the floral section at Trader Joe’s, but every time I spot a red carnation it reminds me of the important events in my life as an Alpha Chi. It takes me back to many times I was handed a red carnation: Bid Day, after Initiation, after Hall of Commitment, and after my last formal meeting.

Lyre spotting makes me smile – Next time you are in museum, go lyre spotting. Our beloved symbol was used in many styles of art and architecture and it’s always fun to count how many times you can find our symbol in art, or even at Walt Disney World. Next time you do spot a lyre, snap a picture be sure to send it to Coffeewithcelia@gmail.com so we can feature it on Facebook!

Stars are always present (and so are your sisters) – Look up. You may not see the stars right now but they are there. Just like your sisters, stars are always present even when it’s daylight. In good times and in bad, remind yourself that your sisters are always there to help you along your journey even when they might not be totally visible, they are there. Perhaps it’s time you get away from the pollution of light and a busy life and seek them out.

Fall, full of olive greens and scarlet reds, reminds me of a fresh start – Our sisterhood was founded during the season of olive green and scarlet red. To me, Fall is a fresh start. This is most likely because it’s the beginning of the school year but there is something in the crisp air that reminds me to refocus and reorganize. Do you know what I mean? Perhaps this Fall you can use the season as an opportunity to reboot your attitude, your studies (or your work’s to do list), and your commitment to help your sisters seek the heights.

Hera Day makes you a better you – Part of being a Real. Stong. Woman. Is donating your time and skills to make someone else’s life better. Every March 1, in honor of our patron goddess Hera, we are called to do work that brings happiness and well-being to others by engaging in projects in our own communities. When was the last time you donated an hour or two of your time to make someone else’s life better? If it’s been too long, find an opportunity! Visit serve.org for some ideas.

Life would be dull without the arts – Music, dance, theatre, and visual art bring joy to our lives and help us explore new ideas or shine a light on an old idea. Our founders were bonded by their mutual love for music and I think any sister who has experienced a piece of music that gives you goose bumps or brings a tear to your eye understands why their passion for music was so strong and why it’s important to our heritage.

Who doesn’t want to “seek the heights”? – Our open motto was just as relevant in the late 1800s as it is now. Together, as sisters, we are called to support and inspire each other to seek the heights in every way possible. We seek the heights in our professional and personal lives. We seek the heights so we can continue to grow emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Next time you’re faced with a challenge or stuck in a rut, remember our open motto and reach out for help if you need some support so you can reach your own “height” whatever that may be.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Thomasville, GA is a perfect place for a date night or shopping trip from Tallahassee, FL. Check out this recent page from the Tallahassee Magazine for ideas:

And did you know, PLENTY of Alpha Chi Omega sisters live in and around Thomasville? the majority of our sisters in that area initiated at Beta Eta (FSU), Beta Sigma (UGA), Epsilon Pi (GA SW State U, Inactive)

We rely on members like you to find story ideas and start conversations on topics of importance to our members. Volunteer writers and photographers seeking an opportunity to be published are also invited to contribute. Simply send your story idea and/or sample of your work to our editor, Laura O’Brien.

Members and collegiate chapters wishing to send notes and reunion information to The Lyre should submit a three- to five-sentence description via email. They can also be mailed to:

Please note that not all submissions may be featured, nor are any considered “issue-specific.”

SUBMIT PHOTOS

Photos submitted for publication in The Lyre must be high-resolution JPEGs or TIFFs at least 300 dpi or 1 MB in size. Original photos off your camera or computer are best. Photos from applications such as Facebook, Instagram and Pic Stitch are typically low resolution and do not work well for print purposes.

To find the dpi of a photo, right-click on the photo or file name on your computer, choose Properties from the menu, click on the Details tab, then scroll down to where it says Horizontal resolution and Vertical resolution. Both of those should be at least 300 dpi. If they are less than that, the photo may appear grainy when printed.

Members and collegiate chapters wishing to send photos to The Lyre should email the photo, along with a three- to five-sentence description and list of those pictured, to The Lyrevia email. They can also be mailed to:

Saturday, July 19, 2014

What do you do when you are smart, full of altruistic spirit, just graduated and want to put your Alpha Chi Omega values of Wisdom. Devotion. Achievement to good use? Drive cross country meeting sisters and writing a cookbook whose proceeds go to support survivors of domestic violence.

Do AXO sisters amaze you every day with their creativity or what? Doesn't that sound like an invigorating way to learn about business, practice philanthropy and meet new sisters?

Friday, July 4, 2014

Jill McConnell Meenan (Beta Eta, FSU) served as the FSU Student Government President when she attended FSU and she continues to utilize those skills in Tallahassee contributing time and talent to Maclay. She has chaired many fundraisers for the school - even an event with fellow Beta Eta alumna Kim Skelding a few years ago. Thanks for continuing to serve your community Jill! Another fun fact: Jill is the big sister to alumna Karen Detrick Ellis.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Did you know the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has published the National Directory of Domestic Violence Programs for more than 30 years. This valuable resource has provided domestic violence programs, advocates, victims and survivors information about shelter programs across the nation and has been used by many to help those trying to safely escape their abusers with that process.

Thanks to the generosity of the Avon Foundation and our wonderful partners in production, Theresa's Fund the Directory will be updated this summer! We are very excited to announce that because of this partnership, this cutting-edge resource will be available later this summer via a new website called domesticshelters.org.

For the first time ever in the U.S., some 250,000 data points on 2,000+ providers will be available on desktop computers, tablets and mobile devices. This will allow easy access to important data, and will make it much more accessible both to shelter programs nationally and people seeking help.

Additionally, the site will empower victims to quickly and easily find nearby help that matches their needs, language, and other preferences. Most people conduct searches online these days when making choices. And domesticshelters.org will be the first "one-stop" online resource for just about everything they need to take that first important step. Rest assured though, addresses will not be released or publicized and searchers will be directed to websites only to maintain safety and confidentiality.

Domesticshleters.org is the idea of a family foundation called Theresa's Fund that has been an active, successful domestic violence change agent and resource in Arizona for more than 20 years. In February they began surveying providers around the country with the intent of launching domesticshelters.org as their own initiative.

However, as word spread about their important work, NCADV was made aware of their endeavor through our members and movement friends and thus reached out to Theresa's Fund. Long story short, after a number of meetings, we both decided the greatest impact would happen if we collaborated on the project.

Today we need your help in collecting information about your organization. Your participation is the key to domesticshelters.org being the powerful force that it can be in changing lives. You may have completed a survey for Theresa's Fund previously by phone or online but we ask that you take it one more time since we have revised the survey to make it more inclusive and comprehensive. Please let us know if you discover any issues while taking it as your feedback is very important to us. You can email us with those issues at storralba@ncadv.org.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Save lives and help the environment--donate your unwanted cell phones and digital electronics to NCADVA.

NCADV partners with Cellular Recycler for the collection of used cell phones and select digital electronics. We receive a portion of the monies that come from the sale of refurbished cell phones to support our programming that helps stop violence in the home.

Cellular Recycler's mission is to create a nationwide cellular recycling program to keep valuable cellular equipment out of landfills. To date, they’ve kept an estimated three million cell phones and over one million accessories out of waste-sites. Also, they have their Responsible Recycling certification which is the highest certification given out by the EPA for E-Waste recyclers so you can trust that the materials they collect are recycled safely, reliably, and through means that minimize waste and errors. For more information on their programs, e-mailncadv_info@cellularrecycler.com.

Accepted Items:**• Any cell phone in any condition and their accessories (most wanted: Iphones and Blackberries, but we will take what you have!)• Laptops• Mp3 Players• Digital Cameras• Video Game Systems

Click here to get your free shipping label(3 cell phone/small item minimum required. You may also use this label for shipping laptops, game systems, etc.). Have fewer than three small items or want to ship at your own expense? Mail to: Cellular Recycler, Attn: NCADV, 4840 Sterling Drive, Unit A, Boulder, CO 80301.Hold a Collection! Order collection supplies like boxes and posters here.

NCADV is recycling items to:• Fund programming that empowers victims of domestic violence, connects victims and survivors to helpful resources, and helps them remain free from abuse• Support legislation aimed at ending domestic violence• Give support and resources to organizations across the US working to stop violence in the home

How It Works:• Roughly 60 percent of the collected items will be refurbished and resold• The revenue generated from the sale of refurbished items will be used to support NCADV programs that help end violence in the home• The remaining items are recycled according to the highest environmental standards

Donation Acknowledgements:All donations are received directly by our recycling partner, Cellular Recycler. Cellular Recycler determines the value of each donation. NCADV then receives monthly reports for each month prior and issues donation acknowledgements to donors with the total value of your donation as soon as we are able. If you need an immediate acknowledgement, you are welcome to download the letter found hereand fill in your own estimate of your donation. If you have further questions pleaseclick here to contact us.

About your item's data:There is no need to clean or wipe information from the item you wish to donate. All donated electronics are either refurbished and resold or recycled for parts. If refurbished, the item's software is replaced with new software which completely wipes any stored information from the device. If the item is recycled, it is crushed down for recycling. Either way, the information on your device will not be compromised and there is no need to completely wipe your device clean.

The value of your item:The value of all donated electronics is based on the current wholesale value of that particular item (please note: these values differ from what your items might be going for on Ebay, Craigslist and another similar sites' pricing). NCADV receives approximately 1/3 of each donated item's total value. The total amount received by NCADV for your donation is what we include in the thank you letters sent to you following our receipt of your information from Cellular Recycler, approximately a month to six weeks after your donation is received by them. The amount included in these thank you letters is the amount you may claim on your taxes. To see a list of 2014 values, please click here. For items not included on this list, NCADV receives a minimum of 50¢. Please realize every cent counts in this effort! Electronic donations raised over $63,000 for NCADV in 2014 alone!

*Note: If you wish to receive the Ebay or Craigslist value of your item, you can always sell your item privately and donate that amount to NCADV for which we can then give you full tax credit.