For every home game of the 2010 ISU football season WRNL is going to bring you a “Tailgate Preview”. We’ll focus very little on the opponent or football in general and turn our efforts instead to how to get the most out of your tailgate experience. Remember the WRNL tailgate meets in lot G7 this year

Ah, the tailgate, a preparation of the mind, body and soul for the receiving of the gift of football. Any football fan worth their well-worn team jersey knows that the gameday experience is incomplete without the feasting, drinking and camaraderie of the tailgate event. In this recurring article we’ll highlight a drink, a dish, and something to keep you busy between sips.

Drink

For tailgating purposes imagine this without the lime, the straw and probably the ice ... and in a plastic cup. perfect.

The opening game is a Thursday night game. For those of us who came prepared, this is no big deal; we’ve already taken Friday off as well – making it a 5 day weekend – time to get fucked up. For you other poor bastards you might want to take it easy on the booze – you gotta work in the morning.

For this opening feature we wanted to go with something a little classier yet simple enough to not intimidate the less experienced drinker: The Seven & Seven. Like the Rum & Coke the Seven & Seven is the perfect drink for the memory impaired and mixing challenged. Half Seagram’s 7 whiskey and half 7-Up, that’s it, try not to fuck it up.

For the college kids, you can use any type of lemon-lime soda, so go get yourself that 3-liter from Sam’s Club, you deserve it. You could probably use just about any whiskey you wanted to as well, this isn’t exactly rocket science.

For our more mature readers – it is rocket science. Seagram’s and 7-Up. Those are your options.

Food

who couldn't love these little guys

Evening games tend to overflow with culinary masterpieces. With grill masters not in any particular hurry the food can be more complex and multifaceted. To that end we present to you The Turtle Bacon Burger. Three types of meat (maybe more depending on how cheap of hotdogs you buy) brought together and formed in the shape of a turtle. That’s the definition of Win.

The bacon weave reminiscent of the Bacon Explosion that took the internet by storm last year. And even the most artistically challenged grillers should be able to form the turtle head (not the poop kind) and other turtle appendages. Wrap it and grill it.

The turtles can be served on a plate with a bun – or you can grow a couple ball hairs and eat it on a big knife Crocodile Dundee-style.

Competition

drink, flip cup, be hero-worshiped by adoring fans

For NIU week we’re going to highlight the game of Flippy Cup. Flippy Cup is a team game that can have as many players as there is room on the table. To begin you drink whatever is in your cup – usually about 1/2 full of beer – then place the cup upside down on the edge of the table with a portion hanging off the edge. You strike the exposed edge with either your finger or penis and attempt flip the cup upright. When you succeed the next person on your team attempts to do the same thing until all team member on 1 team have finished. Winners bask in glory – losing team downs whatever is in the middle, usually a 1/2 – full beer. Variations abound – but you get the gist of it.

As with any drinking game put the Seven & Seven down and switch to beer if you want to remember if you won or not. If you’re male you’re going to want to practice before jumping in a big game. There is nothing worse than a Flippy Cup teammate that continually slows the team down. If you’re female – you can choose to practice or wear something skimpy, either one will work. On a totally unrelated note, any of you ladies want to wash my car?

Well, yesterday actually when I chose to stop by campus while passing through Ames.

There’s nothing more beautiful than a walk across the campus of Iowa State University. The beautiful landscape, Lancelot and Elaine paddling across Lake Leverne, colorful Autumn trees, and the Campanile. Oh Campaniling, how I miss thee. So many times you helped initiate a simple midnight kiss that would inevitably turn into an awkward sexual encounter. Looking past the medicated shampoos and penicillin shots, these are fond memories that I will certainly forever cherish.

That’s right! Yesterday, “a day that shall live in infamy”, when our precious Campanile struck noon it played to the tune of “Bad Romance” by known skank and master of the hidden genitalia, Lady Gaga. As if the hipsters and flat billed hat wearing toolbags that seem to be popping up everywhere weren’t bad enough, now a once peaceful walk across our beautiful campus has been tarnished by the pitch corrected vocal mind rape that is “Gaga”. Having to suffer through her music at bars and/or when in the presence of a co-ed you’re hoping to seal the deal with is one thing, but to hear it echoing from the very bells that gave us the ode to our alma mater, ughhh!

I wear big glasses to hide my stroke face

However outraged I am by being forced unto diving head first into the bulging crotch of electro-pop while walking the campus yesterday, my abounding love for Iowa State will one day drown out this unfortunate event. But this wound is fresh, and now that abortion of an attempt at music is stuck in my head. Every time I close my eyes I find myself engulfed by a transvestite Mardi Gras of sexual nightmares. Please, make it stop!

In honor of the hiring of assistant head coach Bobby Lutz to the Cyclone Basketball program WRNL had a “Lutz-stache-off”. We asked our Facebook followers to submit images of people rocking Lutz quality mustaches with the promise of fame and riches for the best one. Well – consider the ‘fame’ part checked off the list, we’re sure the riches will follow any minute now. Not that you Facebook ingrates deserve either one with such a shitty low participation rate. In fact, we could name one of you a winner and the other guy would be the loser, you lazy sonsabitches. (please keep following us – we know you like it rough)

Lutz-stache competitors

The mustached maniac himself - Bobby Lutz

I think even Bobby himself would agree that Bill Fennelly pulls off a mean fu manchu. In fact, WRNL would like to encourage Bill to grow it out – it would easily intimidate its way to 3 or 4 more wins each season.

Becki Todd (ISU): “It’s just so frustrating. The everyday student is fighting tooth, nail, bottle and can to make this happen, but we just don’t get the support of the athletic department like the U of I does. We’re looking to improve next quarter to at least match their pace”

Iowa President Sally Mason issued the following statement:

“I have no idea what the cause of the increase could be but I am aware of and concerned about the situation. We will work towards a resolution to the matter with the appropriate parties. Read that and they should get off your ass for a while, Kirk …. wait, forget that last part”

Ames PD unhappily suggested that they were somewhat to blame for the poor showing by Iowa State.

“Look, trying to catch a Lisa Koll, even with a few drinks in her, is [expletive] impossible – this isn’t a raging Jewel Hampton running from us – this is a whole new level.”

WTF is WRNL?

Wide Right and Natty Light was put together by a collection of Iowa State fans who felt like we could show the humorous side of being a Cyclone. WRNL is in no way affiliated with Iowa State University and our viewpoints in no way reflect the ISU Athletic Department. All characters and events on this blog — even those based on real life — are likely made up. All personalities are fake. All photos were ganked off the internet and Photoshopped, badly. If you needed that explained to you, then you probably should have left the site already.