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Friday, March 07, 2008

I reckon that the the final phase of the apocalypse actually began after eleven on the last night of January this year, when sixty year old Jan David Clark of 3547 North Ferguson, perceived that a demon had occupied the body of his wife, fifty-nine year old Susan Kay Clark, thus superseding his oath to “love and honor her…as long as you both shall live.” Jan David confronted the demon and chased it/her into the master bathroom where he sat on her, holding her face into the carpet, while attempting to perform an exorcism, something for which he had no formal training. At some point the unnamed demon entered Mr. Clark’s body and made him suffocate his wife, thus absolving him of all responsibility for her demise. Of course, being possessed, she was also blameless, making her death just damn bad luck for her. The demon then inexplicably left Mr. Clark’s body, freeing him of the need to exorcise him self. Mr. Clark then reverently wrapped his wife’s corpse in a bed sheet and placed atop it a sword and a cross, two items every Christian in Odessa, Texas evidently have readily at hand.*Jan David then called a friend to tell her the good news that he had banished his wife’s demon. The cops, notified by the friend, showed up a few minutes after seven in the morning and Jan David shared the good tidings with them too. He was then admitted to the Ector County Detention Center under a charge of First Degree Murder. He later told a reporter that he was sharing his cell with 10 demons and that the “vice-president” of the demons was haunting him. A step-granddaughter of the decedent said, “I always thought David was nice but sometimes I thought he was almost too nice.” But Jan David’s cousin who lives in Dallas was less ambiguous. She hasn’t spoken with Jan David for years and said, “It’s much safer to not associate with David. He was very scary and dangerous, I always felt.” Meanwhile the extended family indicated they would have little trouble meeting the $300,000 bail and affording an attorney, so Jan David will likely soon be free to seek out other demons in and around Odessa, if he isn’t out already. Score at the end of round one in Odessa, Texas; God zero, lawyers, one.*In the Indian state of Jharkhand a judge recently placed a legal notice in newspapers notifying the monkey gods Ram and Hanuman that they must appear in his courtroom to answer contempt charges. It was a secular court’s latest desperate attempt to settle a 20 year old legal standoff between a village and temple monks. The village says the monks owe taxes on 1 ½ acres of land connecting temples dedicated to Ram and Hanuman and the monks say the land is owned by the two mischievous gods, who don’t pay taxes. And then, miraculously, a monkey was seen sitting atop the statue in Hanuman’s temple (which could not have been unusual since monkeys have free rein around the place). Still the monks declared the wayward primate was the reincarnation of Hanuman, restraining him in the temple so the faithful could pay him tribute. The village government countered by backing an animal rights lawsuit claiming the monkey was being held against his will, and the court agreed. But a faithful veterinarian declared the simian happy and healthy and remaining in the temple of his own free will, and thousands of devotees showered him with fruit and money. The massed throngs of faithful prevented the police from removing or even examining the born again monkey god. The very next day the healthy reincarnated monkey god Hanuman dropped dead and was immediately, reverently, cremated. In India, the score is; courts, zero, monkey god monks, two, and I'd have to say, Monkey Gods, zero as well.*As one scientific publication puts it, “The Middle East is one of the few regions on Earth where (human) documentation of earthquake activity extends back over 4000 years”. And independently, according to cores drilled into the bottom of the Dead Sea, there have been significant earthquakes (of a magnitude of 5.5 or greater) along the Dead Sea and Jordan Valley faults in the years 64 and 31 B.C.E., and in the Current Era in the years 33, 363, 749, 858, (a magnitude 7.5 on 20 May) 1202, and other significant quakes in the years 1212, 1293, 1759, 1808, 1827, 1834, 1837, 1872, 1927 and February 11, 2004. And still, after four more quakes shook Israel and Jordan in November and December of last year, Shlomo Benizri, an ultra orthodox party member in the Israeli Knesset professed to see those particular shakers as a punishment from God. “Why do earthquakes happen?” asked Shlomo, and he answered himself that they happened because the Knesset has been “…passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the state of Israel, which anyway brings about earthquakes.” Thank goodness Shlomo wasn’t confused with all that plate tectonics mish-mash. But…*I don’t mean to nit pick with religious fanatics, but I was under the impression that during most of those years (like between 67 CE and 1948 CE) there was no Israel. So was God pissed that eventually there would be an Israel which would recognize foreign same-sex marriages, which is what Slomo was so exorcised about, and that was why he threw in all those other earthquakes? And besides, according to the evangelicals in the United States, the earthquakes in the Holy Land are a good thing because, as the evangelical web site “prophecy.iblog.co.za” prophesies, eventually the “…final earthquake that will hit the Holy Land will …rip the Mount of Olives in two, providing a means of escape for the Jewish people to flee from the onslaught of the Antichrist.” The count in Israel is now, Good government zero, religious fanatics, 4,000 years and conting, the God of peace, yet again, zero.*And how will God recognize the antichrist and his minions? Well, according to Hollywood he will have “666” tattooed on the top of his head. And how will God recognize his chosen people? Well, if they are the male off spring of 32 year old Johnny Eric Marlowe, of Kings Creek, Texas, they will be known by the rather blunt surgery Johnny performed on at least two of his sons…that we know of. It seems that Johnny has fathered 11 or 12 children – that the authorities know of – ranging from 11 years old to two years old, all born at home and none of whom have ever been enrolled in a public school. Yet another crime covered up by Home Schooling. And in this regard Johnny reminds me of those cat ladies who end up living in one large little box. But all of the members of this litter were conceived with just two women – that the authorities know of - one of them being Sarah Fleming and the other Amber Marlow, Johnny's legal wife.*The story came to light because last October after Johnny threatened a neighbor, who called the cops. When the Dallas police went to his home Johnny got into a shoving match with the cops and was charged with resisting arrest, assault on his wife and multiple counts of child neglect. At the moment Johnny is serving jail time on those charges after telling the judge, "I'd rather just take the maximum and let it go." Ah, but opting not to clog the justice system may not help Jonny, since the prosecutors plan on hitting Johnny withn two additional counts of child abuse for the half assed circumcision he preformed on the two boys when they were each just eight days old with a pocket knife. In Dallas, Texas the score is now; legal authority zero, home schooling, two, and God, yet again, another goose egg.*What with the myriad ways and titles Yawah’s name has been taken in vain over the past 10,000 years plus, what is the Catholic Church worried about? The AntiChrist? Lucifer? Predatory Piests? According to L’Osservatore Romano, (The Rome Observer), the official newspaper for the Vatican, the great threat to the Church remains, “Harry Potter”, the fictional boy wizard. It seems Harry is a concern because of “…the grave and destructive consequences” of magic. We’re not talking raising people from the dead, here, or turning water into wine or conjuiring a staff into a snake, or speaking mystical incantations or sacred words, we’re talking magic, which is different, I guess, because the Vatican isn’t getting a cut of the sales. Harry, says the Vatican, shows a “pale disregard for the ‘muggles’ “…who do not have magic.” Huh?

*

Now, I am not a Potter fanatic, but it does seem to me that a part of Potter plot lines is the struggle between the “pure bred” villains and the half- muggle heroes who are Harry’s friends and allies. And besides the bible sells about 25 million copies every year in America alone, to the tune of half a billion dollars. (And just why are bibles so expensive?) While the seven Potter books have sold a paltry 412 million copies. So why does the church feel so threatened by Harry? Well, J.K. Rowling, Harry's mum, has all those ancilary contracts for everything from capes to wands to press on forehead scars, not to mention the movies ($4.7 billion through the first five) and a Florida theme park yet to come. While the bible just has those damn parables and the Christ bobble head dolls. In this case I would have to say the score is Harry Potter two, The Catholic Church zero, and God him 0r herself, naught three.*

Maybe the problem is that God has to work through all these idiot surrogates. As an atheist I, of course, I probably should not offer an opinion. But if I did believe in God, and if there actually were a God, I would suggest that God should get some new surrogates.