2.16.2009

Toilets and Coloquialisms

Almost all of the materials and fixtures for our bathroom have been picked out, including the toilet. I've got to plead ignorance: until I had to pick out a new toilet, I'd never given them thought from a design standpoint let alone split hairs over the myriad choices I have for sending my shit hurtling to the sea. A good hour reading online reviews of models and features allowed me to make an informed decision, but left me with this: when does the word 'shit' get promoted to non-swear status? I can't honestly recommend that you spend your free time reading reviews of toilets, but if you wind up having to and are dreading it, know this — euphemisms for shit are many and awkward. Aren't we beating around the bush here? Why am I reading things like: BM, fecal deposits, solid waste, number two, and the always comical poop. How about Corn Kernel Delivery Cylinder? It's perfectly clear that toilet bowl X is unsatisfactory because the water level is low and one has to clean the shit off the inside too often. Toilet bowl Y takes too many flushes to get rid of the shit. As far as I can tell, all the other names for shit just call *more* attention to it, and stop you in your tracks like you've just read a word in Swedish in the middle of a perfectly good English sentence. Haven't 'damn' and 'ass' nearly completed their ascendancy into non-eyebrow-raising usage? I think so. Shit needs to follow close behind[!].

We wound up ordering a Toto Promenade. It's got a round front, wide flush valve, and a nice trim that will compliment our other design choices in the room. Also, it will zip my shit away in a quiet whirlpool of environmentally-efficient bliss.