Tuesday, July 31

Monday, July 30

I was in Barnes and Noble yesterday looking for Imagine: How Creativity Works by Jonah Lehrer. I didn't know what section it would be in, so I looked it up on the B&N website, then asked an employee because it wasn't listed.

When I went to the counter I was taken aback by the price, $26.00 plus tax. Having worked in publishing for ten years, I knew this was in the normal hardcover price range. I couldn't put my finger on why it bothered me, though.

Later I went to look up something on my phone and saw this:

I guess the online cost didn't register when I was at the actual register. The price for the same book was TEN DOLLARS less on their own website.

I understand shopping online almost always saves you money, but that is ridiculous. I thought I was doing a good deed by giving their brick and mortar some business. While I don't read as much as I used to, I do enjoy going to a bookstore. In fact, I don't really like shopping online at all, but now that I pay attention to my spending habits, there's no way I can give up going the cheaper route.

Wednesday, July 25

I can't stop laughing at my last post. I am such a nerd. I love my sweet fartnugget and he loves me. GET OVER IT, THIGHS.

This week is MUCH better than the past two. I've been exercising, meditating, and therapying with Cee. Yay for good health!

Did I mention I had a gluten attack in Vegas? It was only for a few hours. Stupid orzo got me again. Why does it have to look like rice!?!? It was annoying, yet comforting in a weird way. At least I know I still have a problem! MDLL's Guinness looked mighty tasty to me last night. It was the first time I debated risking it in a while, but I won't. It's not worth it.

Tomorrow night I'm heading down to Jackson for my dad's birthday. Rippie came home for it! I'm excited to hang with the fam for a few days. I love those morons.

Monday, July 23

I am dramatic. I always knew this, but it really hit home last week. Case in point, I am bored with MDLL now that the elephant in the room is gone. I AM THE WORST.

We hang out, we have fun, we have great talks, we have amazing sex, and we love each other. Rinse and repeat. BORING. Where's the excitement? Where's the fight? Where are the tears, the heartache, the knots in my stomach?

I told MDLL how I felt last night. He laughed and said, "I can get married again if you want." Nicely done, sir.

This is the first time in my life I am in a happy, healthy, stress-free relationship. There's always some sort of drama within my family or friends, so I honestly do not know what to do with myself right now. It's almost like a phantom limb - I can feel the old drama, but there's nothing actually there. I sort of miss it. Do I break up with him? Do I punch him in the face? He's already bald, so I can't shave his head in his sleep. Should I shave my head in my sleep? WHAT DO SANE COUPLES DO AT THIS JUNCTURE??

Interestingly enough, I am in the middle of a rough spot with someone else. I don't consider it drama, just something that happens to friends after a while. Naturally I chose to meet it head on rather than let it run its course, which is my way for most things in life. Am I confrontational because I am dramatic? Vice versa? Can you be one without the other?

I learned so much about myself the past two weeks because of the shift in these two relationships. It's eye-opening, exciting, sad, and overwhelming. I love delving into myself to find my truths, to know who I really am, but I need a way to do this without involving others. The problem is, I don't think it's possible. Who am I without You and our shared experiences? Who am I without Your opinion of me? Who are any of Us without each Other? What is the meaning of anything and everything!?!?! GAH!

There was an episode of CSI a while ago where someone was killed in a movie theater. That was the first time it occurred to me how vulnerable a person is while engrossed in a film. Engrossed in anything, really, but the noise and darkness contributes to how easily one can be attacked.

I forgot all about this until last Friday, for obvious reasons. My heart goes out to all of the victims and their families. It saddens me that people like the shooter exist in this world. The scariest part to me is he doesn't seem to be insane, abused, or any other "good" reason for being a murderer. It appears he did this because he could.

I'm not completely sure what I want to say about all of this yet. I'm exploring it as I type, so please bear with me:

1. I hope he gets life in prison.

2. I hope the victims and their families are given proper grief and PTSD counseling.

3. I am embarrassed to admit this, but when I first heard about the shooter I was hoping he was white. If he was black or hispanic, there's no doubt in my mind we would have a race war on our hands, especially during this election year. The idea terrifies me.

4. I am extremely disappointed in the comments I am reading on Facebook and elsewhere. Everyone has opinions. I get and respect this. What I don't get is why everyone thinks they are being attacked. The people in the theater were attacked, not you. If you want to have an intelligent discussion about your stance on gun control then be respectful and LISTEN.

I do not understand guns nor the need to own them. I live in New York City and I feel safe without one, so I don't get why anyone else in the country needs to carry. Who exactly is threatening your safety? Let's say I did have a gun and someone broke into my apartment. Would I be capable of killing them? Do I WANT to be capable of killing them? I hope I never have to find out.

My stance - you want to own a gun go ahead, but you should have sufficient training and a psychological evaluation before it's in your posession. Once you receive a license and the gun is registered, your information should stored in some sort of weapons database (an idea I read this morning). Big brother, my ass. If you have nothing to hide, you should have no problem with logging your arsenal.

5. This is nothing new...the media absolutely sucks. Keep the guy out of the press and keep the cameras out of the courtroom for once. Don't sensationalize this schmuck. This is why I refuse to write his name. He doesn't deserve the attention. HE BETTER NOT GET A BOOK DEAL EITHER.

Thursday, July 19

I overheard a woman and man talking about renting out apartments. It sounded like the woman was a landlord, saying she'd move to the front apartment and charge $1200 a month for the basement apartment. After listening some more I made the assumption they were brother and sister or at least related. I also thought they were older than me by their thick New York accents and knowledge of real estate.

I turned to look at them on my way out. The guy was probably in his mid-20s. I couldn't tell about the woman. She could have been early 30s. Why does age matter? One of things they said was, "yada yada yada...he's such a loser, he doesn't even own anything."

When did renting make a person a loser?

Furball and I recently discussed this in regards to our parents. It seems to me their generation's measure of success was a steady job, marriage, kids, own a home, a car, and maybe an inground pool. I guess you could say it's the same nowadays too, but for me, single and living in NYC, it is not. To me, a truly successful person is happy and inspires others to by happy. That's it.

Two things struck me as odd about their conversation and estimated age range. One, if they do own buildings around Astoria, wouldn't they have gotten some sort of financial help at their age? Yes it's quite possible they were better with money than I am. An old friend bought a condo in NJ around 27, but that's not an apartment building in the city. Two, isn't that a rather outdated way of thinking especially in NYC and considering the tumultous economy? Obviously owning has it's benefits, but if you can't afford everything that comes with owning, why bother?

I'm not angered by their opinion at all, I just found it interesting. I'm not sure if I'll ever own an apartment or home. I can't imagine leaving NYC, but if I have kids I might want to for better school systems. I would love a backyard, even if it's just big enough for a grill and garden. My parents have owned their home in Jackson for 26 years. They plan on renting in Brooklyn when they move, so that they don't have to deal with keeping up the property. Seems smart to me, but then again...

Wednesday, July 18

As predicted, the low came after last week's amazing high. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. Probably. I don't know.

I'm nearing the end of it, which is a relief. I should get my pdiddy today, so that will help. I BETTER GET IT. Gah!

The past few days I had a glimpse into mine and MDLL's future. We have such a loving, affectionate, open, honest, and comfortable relationship. We worked hard to get here and I'm so incredibly glad we did.

There's one thing I knew before MDLL, but never really saw in action though. Boys are stupid. WHY YOU SO DUMB BOY??

Saturday was an awesome (yet emotional) day for me. It started with a trip to the Brooklyn Botanic (I always thought it was Botanical) Gardens and Coney Island with Juniper. Then I met up with Rocks, Rower and Slow Jams for the tail end of a Shakesbeer pub crawl where actors do a quick scene in each bar. Then Rocks and Rower came with me to Crazy Ass for a bit to hang with MDLL. Then I took MDLL to the emergency room.

A little less than a year ago, MDLL slipped in his bathroom when he was bombed, twisted his ankle, and fractured his leg. I argued with him for almost two hours before he finally let me take him to the hospital. Yes, I'm a doctor Nazi (thanks mom!). You would think MDLL accepts this by now, but no.

Saturday night we were watching TV when he went to the kitchen to get a drink. I heard glass break and him say, "Oh shit." I called out, "Everything okay?" He said, "Nope." I got up thinking it was a simple mess. I wish. Blood was EVERYWHERE. He sliced his foot open and it would not stop bleeding. I've never seen that much blood in my life. I was worried he was going to pass out, so I said let's get a car and get you to the hospital. You know what he did? He fought me on it by saying - wait for it - he'd sew the two inch gash on his foot himself. BOYS = DUMB.

A few years ago he had a party at his apartment, slipped on some ice, hit his chin on the kitchen counter, and split it open. In his drunken glory, he decided to stitch it himself with some floss and a sewing needle. In all honesty, he did a really good job and part of me is slightly turned on by his Ramboness. That being said, he is not pulling that shit when I'm around. You have insurance, then use it.

After 20 minutes of arguing - wait, is it arguing if you don't yell? We weren't yelling at each other, he was just being thick while I was being stern. When I finally got him to the door, he said, "Thighs, I can do it myself." I silently stared him down. Apparently my eyes said it all because he didn't complain once we left his building. In fact, three hours and eight stitches later he kept telling me how much he loved me, how happy he is being with me, and how thankful he is I'm here for him.

NERD ALERT - I heard the ER clerk ask him if Thighs McGee was still his emergency contact. I smiled and teared up. He looked at me and said, "Yes she is." MELT.

After that long emotional day, I spent Sunday by myself to recuperate and rest. MDLL took off Monday so he can give his foot time to heal, which apparently meant go to Crazy Ass for some day drinking even though he's on antibiotics. Dumb thing 1. Later that night I made jambalaya and he doused it with gourmet uber hot hot sauce I bought him for his birthday. I told him to only use a little, but he ignored me. Dumb thing 2. Seconds after eating it he broke into a sweat and got the hiccups. Dumb thing 3 is he KEPT eating it, which resulted in him having to take off again Tuesday because of stomach issues. Sigh. I came back over last night to make him a healthy, non-spicy, tummy friendly dinner and take care of him. He was incredibly thankful and appreciative, but again WHY ARE BOYS SO DUMB?

So having spent the better part of the last four days with MDLL, I had a glimpse into our future. Some thoughts:

1. I love falling asleep and waking up with him.

2. I love cooking with and for him.

3. I love I can go home if I want to, which means I am NOT ready to cohabitate.

4. I now understand how easy it is to become a bossy and naggy girlfriend. I never thought I'd be one, but here we are. I felt he was acting dumb, so I told him how he should be acting. In my mind it seemed obvious - If you get hurt, go to the doctor. If you're on medication, don't drink, and go easy on your stomach. But that's just it. It's in MY mind, not his. Sure later he said I was right about everything, but in the moment he felt I was being pushy. I guess it's a fine line...

5. which means I need to keep my mouth shut about wanting him to be healthier and get some hobbies. For now anyways. Everyone teases me about my Groupon addiction, but I'm making up for time I lost last year. I'm also at the point in my life where I don't want to drink every day because it's counter intuitive to all of the work I've been doing to better myself. Unnecessary calories and spending aside, I don't want every new memory taking place in a bar. It's true the company matters more than the setting, but I'd much rather have a shared experience rather than a shared drink.

6. I also understand how easy it is to become a hermit couple. Yesterday was the first time I played house. I came home from work, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, and watched TV with him until we fell asleep. It reminded me a little bit of when I was dating Tat in Staten Island, how I felt friendless and trapped. Granted I had some other things going on this week that contributed to those feelings, but it was odd. Again, I know I'm not ready to move in with him and I also know I never want to be THAT couple who gives their identity and freedom to the relationship.

Phew! My low this past week wasn't in regards to MDLL, but it didn't help to have all of this going on with him. The combination was emotionally overwhelming. The one positive thing about my lows is that I do seem to learn something new once they pass. I just wish I wasn't so raw in the moment.

Sunday, July 15

www.isidewith.com has an election quiz to help you determine which election candidate you relate to the most.

I'm not surprised I sided with Obama, but I am surprised I sided with Republicans on one issue. I'm also surprised there's candidates I never heard of, not because I am so informed, but because the media doesn't seem to care about them. Too bad it's still a two-party system...

My results:

I side with Barack Obama on most issues in the 2012
Presidential Election.

Friday, July 13

I have veinte y seis minutos left of work. I can't wait to get out of here! I'm itching for the weekend!

This week has been fantastic. I feel so happy, fortunate, blessed, and lucky. Life is good!

I don't really know what made me feel so great. I guess it's just awareness. I'm fully aware of how good I have it. My healthy, family, friends, boyfriend, job, city, home, salary, etc. are all GOOD.

There is a little voice in my head that says, "You feel too good! You're too happy! A low is coming!" I am doing my best to silence it. The nice thing is I recognize how low the voice talks now. There was a point when it was LOUDER THAN LOUD and now it's just a slight annoyance, sort of like a stray hair you can feel but can't see.

I wish all of you could feel what I am feeling now. Happiness, gratefulness, love. It's amazing. I've worked hard to rid myself of negativity that it's so gratifying to get to a place of positivity, joy, hope, and faith. I chose to be here and I couldn't be happier.

It's hard to digest the idea that our thoughts and feelings are a choice. I truly believe they are now. This doesn't mean I will never be angry, hurt, sad, etc. I was pretty upset about something this week and I couldn't let it go. I dug deep, got to the core of the issue, and was enlightened. I believe I was choosing to hang on until I fully understood why I was feeling the way I did. Now that I know, I'm at peace and moving on...

Tuesday, July 10

I had my annual checkup with my doctor this morning. It is so, so, SO incredibly nice to feel good and be healthy!! Dr. B was very happy for me. I am, too!! Yes, I want to lose weight and stop binge drinking, but you know what's great about these two "issues"? I'VE HAD THEM FOREVER!! Nothing is new! I am not falling apart! Yay! What a difference a year makes. : )

Other fantastic news...guys, it's on. Like REALLY on. I am madly in love with my boyfriend and I know he is madly in love with me!! I am in awe of how wonderful things are between us. I didn't know it was possible to fall more in love with someone every time you talk to or see them. Gosh, I have so many examples that I don't know which one to share...

Okay, sometimes MDLL will text me asking what he should have for dinner, which is funny because I am the LAST person to give meal suggestions. If I'm home my dinner is usually carrots, hummus, and a rice cake. He always makes fun of me for it, which is ironic since his dinner is usually pizza or chinese. We were text-teasing each other about being world class chefs last night. After a couple of zingers I wrote, "I can't wait for us to cook together all of the time. I think we'd make a great team." and he responded with "I think you're right!" ADORABLE. This is the worst anecdote of all time.

OHOHOHOHOH!! MDLL came to my cousin's Fourth of July party on Saturday. It was so fun!! We had a great time sweating (so hot!), playing beer pong, and stuffing our faces. My parents were hysterical (Juniper!) and treated MDLL perfectly. My mom asked if he was having fun/had fun at LEAST six times. I am so glad we've moved past the drama. Now we can be one big happy family!

Monday, July 9

What is pro-ana and pro-mia? I didn't know either...turns out they are the promotion of anorexia and bulimia, respectively. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I am half surprised, half not surprised. There's a movement/website for everything, why not eating disorders? I really don't get it though. They are encouraging low self-esteem, illness, and death. The website SkinnyGossip is promoting intolerance and hate. You can be a proud thin person without being verbally abusive to overweight people. Why not promote positivity and good health instead?

I'll admit I am judgmental at times. If I see an obese person I want to go all Jillian Michaels on them and scream, "Stop killing yourself!". When I see super skinny women I think they are weak and unfuckable. Obviously I'm not above being mean, but I am not promoting my behavior. I am wrongly projecting my insecurities about my body and unhealthy lifestyle, which makes ME the asshole, not them.

It's interesting I read these articles today. I woke up this morning feeling confident I can get into slammin' shape this summer. I'm at 170 now and while I would like to get down to 155 again (in a HEALTHY way) I have new goals that aren't dependent on the scale:

1. Fit back into my size 10 Gap jeans and The Dress, the $300 strapless Max Azria dress that I'm hoping to wear to Socks' wedding in October.

2. I can get The Dress on, but it doesn't look flattering because of my flabby upper arms. This is goal two; I want to firm my arms and thighs. I'm sick of my chubby appendages!!

3. Move at least five days a week. Tonight I'm walking the five miles home. Tomorrow I'm going for a run in the morning (if it's not too hot). Wednesday yoga. Thursday kickboxing. Saturday I'm planning to do a Brooklyn Day, so that will be a lot of walking, too.

4. If I was able to change my diet out of fear last year, then I need to be brave enough to do it again this year. I know what I can eat, I know what I'm capable of, and I know once I set my mind to do this I will succeed!!

Tuesday, July 3

I am toying with the idea of deleting my MDLL divorce posts. I always felt a bit guilty for airing everything out on Thighs without his knowledge. He knows I have a blog, he doesn't want to read it (Shizza bless his soul), there are no real names, so it's possible I could "get away with" keeping it up. I mean, it became my story too, right?

I'm going to keep thinking about this. Writing on Thighs is my therapy, so I needed to share my feelings and thoughts about his separation with the universe in order to survive it all. Now that it's almost over, I'm not sure I need it to be publicizied. HA! Publicized to 23 people...

Is it a white lie? Sin of omission? Some other phrase I'm screwing up?

MDLL, if I decide to keep Thighs as is and you read this, I hope it doesn't hurt you. Anything I've written on here I've already shared with you, so it's cool...right?

I don't know how I would feel if I read about my life in someone else's blog...thoughts?

I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD. I cannot not NOT believe how fortunate and blessed I am. Iron and Miron paid for my flight and hotel, gave me some money to gamble, and took me out to amazing restaurants every night, STK and Picasso being the standouts. I am not a foodie, nor am I cultured, so it is always a treat to spend time with people who enjoy and can afford the finer things in life. I make good money now, but I still hesitate at the idea of dropping three hundy at the craps table. Consultants, not so much. The amount of money being thrown around was jaw dropping. I saw a guy bet and lose 5K in 10 minutes. Give it to me instead!!

Vegas is a weird place. There are high rollers, low rollers (is that even a thing?) and everyone in between. I'm still not sure what I want to say about Sin City. Key words floating around my noggin all week were economy, sadness, greed, hedonism, status, sex, fun, luck...it's a fucked up place if you think too much about it. I guess that's the appeal; they make sure you DON'T think once you get there.

The conference went really well. Fingers crossed our leads become clients!! I felt much smarter this time around, yet I kept my mouth shut for the most part. I didn't want to say the wrong thing!! I rarely sit around looking pretty (mostly because I only recently decided I actually AM pretty), but I didn't mind being quiet. Well, during the day anyways. At night I turned it up to 11 and had a BLAST. Iron and I stayed out until 6am our last night. She and I get along really, really well. It's probably because we are the same person. Seriously, our personalities are a lot alike although I am more centered. Yes, this means Iron is absolutely NOT centered...yet anyways. She'll get there! This is part of the reason I believe I got this gig - the universe wants me to help Iron out of the personal funk she's been in for the last few years. At the same time she can help me out of my financial one! Isn't that nice? I think so!

While we bonded over a lot of things, one experience will always stand out...

WE GOT TATTOOS TOGETHER!! Yay! After 17 years, I FINALLY got a blurple Pisces tattoo. I fell in love with this picture online...

and the artist brought it to life! I have a total crush on Ben from Club Tattoo!!

It's healing up nicely although now it's peeling like crazy. I'll take another picture once it's completely healed. I still can't believe I got it. Yesterday was the first day I didn't drink in a week, so maybe it'll hit me once all the alcohol is out of my system!

I'd love to come back to Vegas one day with MDLL or my girlfriends. Five days was way too long, so maybe a long weekend is better. Luckily being at the conference from 9-5pm all week kept me relatively good. Relatively...

I am also so proud of myself for standing by him and seeing this through. Of course now I am having mild panic attacks about actually being in a loving, respectful, caring, healthy, relationship with MDLL minus the elephant in the room. My commitmentphobia is rearing it's ugly head! ARGH!

Apparently the wedding planning phase really was a phase. Maybe it was a distraction from everything. It was fun to think about, but now I am shaking in my Birks.

I am NOT ready to move forward yet. The next few months I want to simply enjoy having a wonderful boyfriend and not think about what's to come. Our two year (holy crap!!) meetiversary is September 6th and I'd love to take a mini-break with him around then to celebrate.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!

I LOVE MDLL AND HE LOVES ME AND THAT IS ALL WE NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE AND IT'S OKAY TO BE NERVCITED ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES THAT I AM SUPPOSEDLY NOT THINKING ABOUT.