Donald Trump, who is pretty much Susan B. Anthony and Medgar Evers wrapped into one, has leapt to the aid of women and black people once again in attempt to save them from their own electoral choices. The self-anointed "self-made millionaire," who was born into wealth and has declared bankruptcy four times, has used his large, shouty platform to warn women that Barack Obama is "nasty" and that Vice President Joe Biden is racist. Heed his warning, women and blacks! Donald Trump cares very deeply about you!

Trump, who has called himself "the least racist person in the world" because one time a black guy won The Apprentice, is shocked! SHOCKED! at Joe Biden's recent terribly-chosen string of words wherein he declared that a Romney/Ryan win would put people "back in chains." The Least Racist Man in the World cannot believe the terrible thing that Joe Biden said, and he wants people to Do Something about it. He's also disappointed that women support Barack Obama in much larger numbers than they support Mitt Romney. Trump told Fox News' Greta Von Susteren yesterday,

He's somebody who will say some very nasty things. He is a person that is not the nice person that some people think, and his popularity rating - while high - I think if people knew the facts, the rating would actually be extremely low... Maybe [women] don't know him. Maybe they don't get what is going on.

and

What he said about chains and what other people have said about other things are vicious. Have you ever heard language like this?

Trump then grabbed his pearls and passed out dead on the baby seal-upholstered fainting couch Von Susteren keeps on set for when her guests catch the vapors.

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Yes, no one has ever said anything so nasty as what Biden said. Especially not that time last year (inconveniently, right before Osama Bin Laden was killed by an Obama-ordered raid) when Donald Trump said that Barack Obama was not born in America, and then said that he suspected that Obama was a bad student and somehow affirmative action'd his way into Harvard and Colombia (Trump, himself a bombastic fuck up even at a young age, was able to get himself into Wharton Business School by calling up some of his rich dad's friends, which is totally different). And women! They simply don't know what's good for them, says the man who, according to a former Miss Universe contestant, forces all women who hope to vie for the crown in the pageant he runs to parade around in front of him in a bikini before they're even allowed to enter and once pitched a show to Fox called Lady or Tramp?

Thank goodness for Donald Trump, you guys. He's looking out for us. And then telling us that we'd look great if we lost 10 pounds.