Dancer, honour student, "that girl."
Female athlete triad, 90 isn't 100 and it won't get you anywhere, the girl who will
never be good enough.
When I see the cuts on your arm, I want to slap you. You don't even know what it
means to suffer. None of you do. You're pathetic.
But then, you'll never know what it means to triumph either.
I'm not going to say where this came from because it's no one's business, really,
but I thought it was worth sharing.
I love those rare moments when you find someone who feels exactly the way you do.

Last edited: 20 February 2011

The following people said "Hello!" because they enjoyed reading the diary:.....

Just because people feel unhappy for different reasons doesn't mean
they don't actually feel unhappy.
Mind you, I don't understand why, but I at least read up on the
subject in psycology texts rather then making it a point to kick
people when they're down.

@Kirti
Unhappy's one thing. And yes, I know people can easily be erm...
unimpressed.. with me for my "rudeness" but I should probably
specify that clinical depression (as in a chemical imbalance in the
brain) is one thing. I feel awful for those people, and they need
help.
There are some people though who just get me so pissed. I have this
one friend who used to self harm, because she simply didn't have a
thick enough skin to deal with the everyday teenage pressures- grades,
parents, etc. She had the audacity to tell me, every day, how hard
her life was, without ever once even asking me how I was feeling.
I know this is probably the trait people like least about me, but I
stand by it: I have high expectations for myself. I demand to be the
very best I can be. I also expect the same from others. I can't
stand to know that there are some people out there pushing boundaries
every day, overcoming obstacles and being all the stronger for it,
never once complaining, and then there are those who sit and
whine, rather than doing anything.
No one is joyful all the time, and everyone is depressed sometimes.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, in my opinion.

My other issue is that I'm not saying self-harmers are
attention-seekers, just that they get all the attention
self-harm is the esteem issue that gets all the attention.
I have hypergymnasia, also called anorexia athletica or comuplsive
exercising. It's a sort of eating disorder-esque illness, but not
quite. I started seeing a sports psychologist for it two months ago.
Everybody knows; my friends know that if I can't do things, I'm other
at dance, physio, or seeing a sports psychologist. They just don't
happen to care. It's like "Oh, she's a dancer, lucky she's not
bulimic. She just likes to work out."
...No, actually, I'm addicted to working out. Like alcoholics are
addicting to alcohol.
Now, that friend who self-harms? Everyone who knows it treads
lightly, and tries to be ridiculously nice to her. I don't understand
why she gets that treatment and I don't.
Not to mention that anorexia athletica is not even officially
classified as a mental disorder, and isn't up for review, either.

@tiggerlemon101
"The trait people dislike most..."? People who aren't you are people
too- what I mean is, no one thinks like that. Nobody stands
around saying "She has high expectations and I feel the need to
dislike her because of it."
The thing is that even if you aren't clinical, people can go over
rough spots in their life when normal things just build up past where
they can handle it, and no matter how infuriating we find it insulting
them or calling them weak is still mean.
The sports psycologist sounds somewhat dim (I read you newer diary
already) but eating disorders I understand somewhat. My "fasting"
habit went on for over a year, but I forced myself to quit it on my
own. I remember health class at the time was strange, because the
lessons were all meant to look down at girls with eating disorders but
all I could think is "At least anorexics have will-power. Not like
people who binge."- it was a mentality that was quickly amended after
learning that one form of bulimia was over exercise, which at the time
struck me as being... Not admirable, just you know, working for your
weight loss is better then trying to puke your mistakes away. It took
a long time for me to realize what eating disorders really mean.
The bottom line is, good luck kicking this addiction, and screw any
asshole who sees it as being less then some other problem. Trying to
balance healthy exercise from over excercise as an athlete can't be
easy, but figuring it out is a process you'll learn to handle- even
without a clincal classification or special treatment from
friend who don't understand what's really going on.