Somber Sunday 6.02.13

My Bea Bird died in my hands tonight at 12:07 AM. Thirty years of unconditional love and the demands of the bitch bird are now drawn to a close. Yet another chapter of life is closed forever.

It’s 12:20 now and I’m still bawling my eyes out. Again after having just buried her mate Avery my Imp. This is just too much for one person to bear alone.

You see my options. I am alone and writing. That’s what I do. I am alone and writing; I am always alone and now more than ever in this life…

As a Gay & Gray man I know alone. I know the alone of being invisible when I walk into a room, the alone of being disposable, the alone of being left in need. It’s a life-long fact of being Gay in the USA. The Loner is restored and the accessories of living jewels are no more in my life.

Lee is off with Michael and I’m alone and that’s OK. There isn’t a damned thing anyone can do. I am just inconsolable now and will continue this way as these beautiful creatures, the living jewels who loved me unconditionally are now gone.

Now may not be the best time for taking a bath with a toaster but it sure is feeling that way.

I’m really a piece of work tonight. I wasn’t this upset when Butch died, Beula & Earl, Mike too were easy as was Nancy but these two constants in my life are no more. I didn’t cry over Mikey the Beer Sponge running off to the woman’s shelter because I returned his abuse. His intent was leaving me just when I needed someone to love me and to love the most so I understood the Cowardly Guilty Catholic alcoholic for just what it is. Dangerous Dan and the thief family are the same.

I am a disposable person and have been a disposable person all my life. I understand that from parenting to present. I understand that from siblings and friends alike. I understand.