As I write these words, I realize how blessed I am that I almost don’t recognize that girl anymore. The road I’ve taken to trade in that garment of heaviness for one of joy and praise has been the most important journey of my life.

First
Things First

As the brain fog of addiction started to lift in early sobriety, I made a vow to unearth the roots of what led me here.

How did I end up to be a full blown addict in my 30’s? Why did I allow myself to be treated so harshly by men? And where did that little girl go who had a big ‘ol bucket full of dreams? I didn’t know, but I would do whatever it took to find out.

Unfortunately, one is not typically
willing to embark on such a soul-searching journey unless there has been deep
pain. My bottom was a very dark and lonely place. At the end of my rope I had a
vision and was
faced with the stark reality that my choices were:

Insanity

Death

Surrender

I clung to the only possible hope I
had and fell to my knees.

Early sobriety was challenging and full of confusion and depression. Fortunately, I put myself in places to learn that it could also be full of hope.

As I heard story after story of people who found joy in recovery, I started to believe it could be true for me as well.

Create a List

I knew I had deep work to do to discover what led me here. I knew it would stem back to painful memories and wounds of my past. But it became very clear that I would not become free of the Groundhog Day of my life until I was able to face that past. I had to learn to forgive, see my part, make amends, and release resentments.

I needed to declutter my mind of those old familiar tapes which were not serving me.

Taking a fearless and searching moral inventory of one’s life is an exercise in many recovery programs. However, anyone can do it. The basic premise is to identify all of the people who have hurt you in some fashion.

Then you run each person or scenario through the following questions:

How were you hurt?

What area of your life was affected?

What was your part and/or the role you played? (not that you deserved what happened to you, but how did you develop unhealthy coping skills?)

Name some character defects you displayed.

What were the lies you believed in the process?

I can guarantee, if you do this exercise for every single person you’ve ever had resentment against, a pattern will emerge.

It did for me and I didn’t like what I saw.

Identifying
the Root

Once I could see how I often reacted out of self-pity, anger, or rage, I could see how I always ended up in the same types of relationships. I was playing out the same drama/trauma that scarred me as a little girl.

It’s not that I had a horrible childhood. In many ways, it was a great childhood but my family had some dysfunction, not unlike many other families—perhaps you can relate.

My relationship with my father was
volatile growing up. He was often stressed and had a temper and many times I
was on the receiving end of that temper. While I craved the love and affection
of my father, I rarely got it. And because I rarely got it, I began to rebuke
it and rebel on the occasions I did receive it.

I looked for my self-worth in a whole host of things outside of myself which ultimately led me to drinking, drugging, and relationships with men similar to my father.

What was the real issue? For me, I needed the love of a father.

Identifying
the Wounds of Our Past

If I was going to declutter my mind of negative self-talk and lies, identifying the wounds of my past was an essential step. It is for all of us.

If we don’t identify ways in our past where we developed unhealthy coping skills, find the courage to heal and forgive, and learn new coping mechanisms, we all can be subject to reacting out of the wounds of our past.

A good identifier can be if
something or someone triggers a big emotion in you, you might want to step back
and ask yourself several questions:

Does this emotion feel familiar?

Is there anyone from your formative years who also incited this emotion? If yes, who and in what situations?

I’ve learned that male authority figures can trigger wounds of my past stemming back to my relationship with my dad. As I learned from two phenomenal authors, Kay and Milan Yerkovich, we all have historical data from which we react. It’s what we do with it that can set us apart.

Develop
Strategies

This final step is crucial because we can all be triggered.

Let’s take one of my former styles as an example. In the past, when there was yelling and/or a conflict, I would run to my room and hide. I’d bury my head in my pillow and cry.

I now know that conflict can cause me to want to take flight. One of my current strategies is to stay and remind myself of what I can control and not control. I have learned for me, by centering myself through prayer in the midst of the conflict, my fear dissipates. It has become my most important strategy. Yours may be different.

Of course, there is an appropriate time to walk away from conflict, but there are also times when it’s important to stay.

When you premeditate strategies for your typical emotional reactions, you begin to create new patterns in your life.

The more you do this, the more the resentments of your past will melt away. Furthermore, you’ll stop attracting new ones.

I’ve learned that my earthly father could only give me what he had received. As a women of faith, I have a heavenly Father whose love is boundless. And through this faith, I’ve found the courage to form a healthy relationship with my dad.

Your exact journey may be different than mine, but this is the process that helped me declutter my mind of negativity:

Create a list.

Identify the root.

Develop strategies.

The work I mentioned is what has allowed me to embrace a minimalist mindset. I’m able to go forward into situations with less baggage.

My spirit is open and teachable. Yours can be too.

***

Deanna Broaddus recently celebrated 10 years of sobriety. She speaks publicly about her testimony, helps women in recovery, and writes at her blog, Recovering Women Wealth. You can also find her on Instagram.

Comments

Thank you for baring your soul to share this. It is compelling… I was touched by you.
My method for working through this is remarkably similar to yours. Fortunately, I also have a fantastic psychologist who is highly unusual. He actually gives feedback. I’d gone through a handful or two or more before I found this doctor. I sent him your article and he said it was excellent. He’s going to use it to help his patients. I’ve also sent it to several family members and asked them to read it. I pray they do.

The mind is a powerful place and can be full of wonders. I have to constantly reconnect and cleanse my mind. Filtering the brainwash, the negativity, the evil energy to stay focused on what matters to me most. My self-care, health, goals, etc. There will always be tests and deep thoughts trying to arise but with the right strategies and reminders, we can become clear of what’s important. Great post!

First time here and wow… thanks for being so vulnerable by sharing your past experience. I could relate because I desperately craved the love of my dad too. I want to let go of all the negativities and self-pity talks I’ve had with myself.

I could understand 1. Create a list and 2. Identify the root… but I was lost at 3. Develop strategies. Can you please elaborate more on no.3, please.

Jeremiah, I’m not exactly sure what she meant, but my main strategy is fairly similar to hers. Go to the root of each unpleasant, uncomfortable, or complicated feeling. Discover it’s Who, What/When, How, and the Resolution
Who: person, persons, or situation who create the feeling
What: what I feel in that circumstance
Why: do I feel this way? When do I feel this?
How: am I going to handle this?
Resolution: forgiveness of self, healing, understanding, letting go of pain.
NOTE: forgiveness of self is a difficult concept for many. It it crucial for what follows: healing, understanding, letting go.

I am fortunate to have a highly unusual psychologist, and a wonderfully supportive family. If I need help, I turn to them and present the situation & get suggestions on how to handle different things. I also pray and meditate often during the day. Time spent outdoors, even on my porch, helps me relax and think. Others may choose something different. I’ve worked through many, many, many problems, concerns, “bad vibes,” situations, you name it, This method works for me.
Best of luck to you on your journey. May you have the help you need along this path.

We all have mind viruses instilled so early we may not easily trace back. One needs to do shadow work to understand about themselves such as why they react a certain way and how they arrived where they are now. There will be that dark side of ourselves, just as there is ying yang to absolutely everything. Embrace that as well; it’s part of who we are. A Heavenly Father we have is exactly right. Focus on that. This earthly Iife is bittersweet; sad, often unjust, and glorious. There’s much we simply won’t understand about it. Life is about happiness, and we all journey through best we can.

Thank you for this post. Everyone of us needs to know the love of our Heavenly Father. So many times we see God like we saw our earthly fathers. If they were absent, abusive, distant, etc., then we see God that way.

If we can see God the way He truly is and realize just how much He loves us, I believe that would be the key to overcoming addictions of all kinds……including the addiction of shopping and needing too much stuff.

Thank you Joshua, for posting this article! And thank you, Deanna, for writing it! Our Great Savior is, by His Grace, continually working on/in His own to heal/mature us into being like Jesus. Soli Deo Gloria! I grew up in a legalistic Christian home with a Christian, alcoholic father with deep hurts, self pity, anger…. I’m thankful that he’s with Jesus now and that when I see him again we’ll both be completely healed from the ravages of this life. Thank God for His True promises in Philippians 1:6, Romans 8:28-29 & Psalm 138:8!
Thank you again Joshua, for sharing Deanna ‘s blog! My family and I have enjoyed and benefited from your blogs and YouTube videos. You encouraged me to embrace minimalism when I was around 60, and now in my mid 60’s I want to focus more on decluttering mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Jehovah Rophe is our Healer, our Restorer. I would like to encourage you to be bold in sharing more posts like Deanna.
My husband and I have been acquainted with your grandfather’s radio ministry for years. His ministry is a blessing!
God’s blessings on you, your family and our Father’s ministry for you!
Martha and Sam Childs

Thank you so much for opening up, it can’t be easy but know you’re helping many by doing so.

I have deep rooted childhood hurt and have been trying to heal all my life. I’m 48 and can finally say I’ve made huge positive steps but your post here made me realize I still have to truly face certain things. I too lean heavily on God and faith to pull me through and it’s wonderful to know He’s there with unconditional love.

I firmly believe a more simple, clear life starts with uncluttering your mind.

It is so true that many times we react from our past experiences and history. Sometimes we look for someone who is similar to our dad and sometimes we look for the total opposite. In both cases we are reacting and choosing from our past. Recognizing these patterns from the past is the first step to make a change.

Wow! This is powerful! Thank you, Josh, for having Deanna as a guest writer. And thank you, Deanna, for sharing your story and your pathway out of such self-destructive behavior! Such grace & love offered to you by Jesus & such courage from you to walk that path!

Excellent article! Evaluating past relationships and reconciling is important. I’m in the process of decluttering my mind from past hurts & negativity, and I appreciate these simple, straightforward steps. I also agree that prayer is one of the best premeditated strategies. I want my spirit to be open and teachable. Thank you for being open enough to write this to help others! Thank you Joshua Becker for sharing this!

Thank you for sharing your story. I am in early recovery and could relate to just about everything mentioned in the article. I have found that taking moral inventory is scary, but necessary. It’s freeing to know that change can happen when you put the work in. I think everyone should work a recovery program, because we all have our past that keeps us from living a bright future (some just don’t go down the road of addiction).

I can relate to many of the things you mentioned including the fathers personality and dating similar types of men.. I am a beginner and I am fascinated with this subject matter! Thanks for sharing your story!

It is really important to remove negative people from life to de-clutter mind. Sometimes we don’t want to think in a certain way but negative people play mind games and impart frustration in life. A well written article. loved it

I have nothing to do with anyone incl. relatives or siblings that gossip, that you can’t trust for any reason or who live lifestyles I don’t agree with. Incl substance abuse and DUI’s. They will only drag you down mentally. I am amazed that some of these so called friends I knew are church goers that you can’t trust, incl. former pastors I sat under who had affairs, etc. Best to have few trusted friends than ones that are toxic w/ many friends. I stayed out of church for yrs, until I was ready to attend again, I have never joined one and will not.

Laura Ann, I, as a woman who has been in church ministry for the majority of 50 years and as the wife of a retired pastor, want to encourage and affirm you to keep your eyes and mind on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith. We’re all imperfect, broken sinners in complete need of our great Savior. Jesus Himself did not entrust Himself to His followers (Jn 2:24-25) but He did entrust Himself to His Father, Abba Yahweh, Who judges justly (1 Pet 2:23.) As our adult children were growing up and seeing church members sin and disfunction, and our human frailties, we taught them that the church isn’t God. God is good, loving, merciful, just….; people, believers and unbelievers are, “frail children of dust and feeble as frail.” But, “In Thee do we trust, nor find Thee to fail….” Taken from the hymn, “O Worship the King. ”
Thank God that He’s still working on His own! Philippians 1:6
God’s blessings on your day, Laura Ann! Such a pretty name!

It is really terrible when people let us down and we are hurt. It is especially disappointing when these people say they love and follow Jesus and their behaviour leads us to question this or the sincerity of Christian faith.

I can tell you have a really beautiful heart. Don’t let these things turn you bitter. Some of the ideas in this article are really useful in this regard. Good luck.