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Superman was standing on the roof of the tallest building in Gotham, surveying the city with his super vision. Down on the roof of another building he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude! He tries not to look, upholder of the morals and all, but he just can't help staring. She's just laying there on her back with her legs spread! Pretty soon he can't stand it and he gets this idea: I can swoop down there with my super speed, get a little, and swoop away so fast no one will know it was me. So he zooms down, hump hump hump hump, and zooms away in flash.

A Turkish woman was swimming one day when she sees another woman come out of the pool with a lit cigarette. The Turkish woman tries it and it doesn't work. She asks the woman how she keeps her cigarette lit. She replies: I just put a condom over it. The Turkish woman goes to the drug store and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms. The clerk asks: What size would you like? She replies: I don't know, big enough to fit my camel.

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Three mice meet at a convention in Dallas. Aftger spending the day walking the show floor, the three repair to local tavern to have drink.

After a couple of drinks, they begin discussing who comes from the tougher town. The first mouse says, "I'm from Brooklyn, and we're so tough that we grind up rat poison and put it in our coffe so we can start the day off with a nice buzz."

The second mouse says, "That's nothing. In L.A., when we find a rat trap, first we eat the cheese, then we lay down under the bar and use it as becn press to work off the calories."

The third mouse is a local. He takes a long pull form his beer and gets up as if to leave.

"Where are you going?" ask the out-of-towners.

"Well," drawled the third mouse. 'I've heard about all the bullshit I can stand for one night. And besides, I'm late. I've got to go home and screw the cat."

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A blonde girl comes home from school one day beaming with pride. She tells her mother that she was abel to count to 100 when all the the kids in the class could only get to 20. I'ts because I blonde right mom she asks and her mother says yes dear.

The next day same deal except this time she was the only one to complete her a,b,c's. It's because I'm blonde right Mom? Yes dear her mother says.

The next day she starts telling her mother about how she was able to float in the pool through almost the entire gym class while all the other kids sank like stones.

It's because I'm blonde right mom, she says.

No dear her mother replies, it's because your 24 and have 36d breasts, those things would float a PWC.

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Three men are sitting around the bar discussing their prowess in bed. The first man, a Frenchmen states proudly that he had made love to his wife twice last night and the morning she kissed him weetly and told him she loved him.

The next man, an Italian, discredits the Frenchmen by stating that he had made love to his wife thrre times last night and in the morning she made him breakfast and told him she could never love another.

Meanwhile, the third man, a Texan, just sat there listening attentivly.

The Frenchmen asks smuggly, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

The Texan replies, "Just once."

The Italian, with a great deal of attitude says, "Just once? That poor woman, what did she say to you this morning?"

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A Dutchman from Innisfail, Alberta came into the local pub with a big grin on his face anxious to tell his buddies about his most recent sex experience.

Tells his buddies he was walking along the railroad tracks when he came upon a young lady tied to the tracks just like in the movies. He untied her and took her home. They had sex all over the house. Him on top , her on top, doggy style etc. This went on all day.

One of his buddies gets very interested and asks him if she was pretty.

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So I was driving down the street the other day and I hit your mom. I was like OH CRAP, that's Mrs. Johnson(sorry I don't know your mom's name). I got out and asked her if she was OK. "Yes" she replied "but I have to ask you, why didn't you swerve to go around me?!?" I replied "I have to be honest with you Mrs. Johnson, I didn't think I had enough gas."

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a man returns a mercedes back to the showroom after taking this sweet lookin car out for a test drive, the mercedes is battered to shit covered in crap and a split windscreen, the furious salesman comes over to this guy, smug ass hell, and the salesman asks him calmly, umm sar what the fuck did you do to our car the guy replies smiling ran over a Paki, to which the sales man replies fair enough but that dosen't explain the state of the car, the guy replies fairly appolegeitc yeah sorry bout that drove through 4 fields to catch up with that bastard,

disclaimer: it is not the authors intent to racially discriminate anybody of pakistan background just piss them off.

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Little Johnny walks into a brothel toting a dead frog on a string and asks for a whore with herpes.

The Madam starts to laugh….”we don’t have those here.”

Johnny slaps down $100 and repeats his order. “I want me a whore with herpes!”

Again the Madam replies….”we don’t have those here.”

Johnny slaps another $100 on the table and says “I want me a whore with herpes”

The Madam replies “last door on the left.”

Little Johnny nods and proceeds down the hall, toting his dead frog on a string.

5 minutes later Johnny comes out of the room, nods at the Madam and proceeds to leave when the Madam asks:

“Look kid, what’s you story? You walk in here, pay $200 for a whore with herpes, and you have a dead frog on a string.”

Little Johnny replies: “I just went in there a fucked that whore with herpes. When I go home, I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my parents get home, my dad will drive the babysitter home. On the way home, he’s going to fuck the babysitter. Then when my dad gets back, he’s going to fuck my mom. And in the morning, when my dad leaves for work, my mother is going to fuck the mailman….and that’s the mother fucker who killed my frog!!!!

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An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:

"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

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An old man walks into a whore house and asks the Madam for a girl with gonorrhea.

"I'm sorry, " said the madam. "We run a clean house here. None of our girls have any form of V.D."

"Nonsense," said the old man. "I've been in whore houses all over the world, and I 've never seen one that wasn't rife with gonorrhea."

"Bring me one of your fluzies now."

Not one to lose the opportunity of a fee, the madam goes to one of the girls. "Nancy, there's an old coot in the parlor who insists on having a girl with gonorrhea. You go and humor him for a while."

Dutifully, the girl goes about her business whith the old man. When they're done and the old man is about to leave, the girl tells him, "Say old man, that was fun, but you know something? I don't really have gonorrhea."

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In Texas, there are a group known as the Texas Aggies, and as you may know, they are not considered to be among the brightest of God's creatures.

One day, three Aggies taking a class in animal husbandry were instructed by their professor to take a prize bull out to a certain field to service a cow.

Seeing the look of confusion on their faces, the professor explained that he meant that they were to ensure that the bull and the cow had sex.

Later that day, the professor got a call from the local hospital that his students were there and were all bruised and beat up. Concerned, he ran over to the emergency room to see them. Sure enough, they had multiple contusions and a few fractures.

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The best friend of a young Polish fella who happens to be a virgin decides to get him laid for his 21st birthday.

He takes him down to the local cat house and fix him up with a gal and she takes him to her room. The hooker askes him what he likes and he tells her it's his first time and would she recomend something. The hooker suggests a little 69 to begin with and they get in their positions. While they're going at it the gal lets a rather ripe fart that damn near gags the poor newbie. He stops looks up and says I'm really sorry but I don't think I can take 68 more of those.

One day, an inexperieinced Aggie decided it was time to become a man. So he saddled up his old plow horse and headed into town. Once there, he made his way to the local house of ill repute and asked the lady in charge for a date.

"Well." explained the lady. "Before you can date one of my girls, you have to show me a rubber and give me $50. Then you can pick out any one of the girls over there on the couch and go upsatairs."

"OK ma'am. What's a rubber and where do get one?"

"Go to the men's room in the gas station across the street. There's a machine on the wall where you can buy one for not very much."

So the Aggie goes across the street and checks out the machine. He's nervous because he only has 50 dollars and 75 cents. Fortunately for him, there are three choices. He can have a white one for 25 cents, a black one for 50 cents and an orange one for 75 cents.

Thinking that the girl will think he is cheap if if he buys the white one, he is about to buy the orange one when he thinks that might look showey. His best bet is to buy the black one he decides.

He goes back across the street, shows the condom to the madam and gives her the $50. He then picks out a real cute gal and goes upstairs to become a man.

Now he is a sentimental Aggie, and once he's done, he starts to feel guilty. She's a pretty girl, and he thinks she shouldn't spend her life in this kind of place.

Right away, he proposes. They get married and move out to the farm. About seven months later, she gives birth to a healthy boy.

A few years go by, and it is time for the boy to go to school. At the end of his first day, the boy comes running up from the bus stop in tears.

"What's wrong boy?" asks the Aggie.

"Daddy," sobbed the boy, "all the boys and girls at school made fun of me because I'm black and you and Momma are white."

"That don't mean nothing 'cept you just cost more than they did. Hell boy for another two-bits, you coulda been orange."

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Jeff B arrives in port after a long and gruelling Transpac and decides his first stop ashore will be at the local whorehouse. He arrives at the establishment, finds the right girl and they engage in an act that we'll just call "adult recreation". Midway through their labors of the night Jeff B starts wondering how he's doing (since it has been so long since his last act).

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A first grade teacher is teaching the class about morals. She tells a story with a moral and then asks the class if they have any stories they'd like to share.

Molly raises her hand. "My aunt raises chickens and one day I went out to collect the eggs. On the way back I dropped the basket. All the eggs broke. The moral: Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Very good Molly. Praises the teacher. Anyone else have a story?

Kelly is next. "My mom has cows on ouir farm. I milked one of the cows and tripped and spilled the milk. I was upset, but my mom said it was OK. Moral: Don't cry over spilled milk.

"Excellent, anyone else?" Asks the teacher.

A quiet kid sitting at the back of the class raises his hand.

"Bobby, you have a story to tell?!" The teacher exclaims, he's never participated voluntarily before.

Bobby says "My Dad was in Vietnam. He was on patrol one day with his unit and they were ambushed by 150 Viet Cong soldiers. He looked around and the rest of his unit was dead. He jumped into a fox hole. All he had was 2 machine guns, two grenades, his sidearm and a bottle of Jack.

He took a big swig of the Jack, jumped out with one of the machine guns and killed 50 Viet Cong soldiers. He jumped back into the fox hole, took another swig of the Jack, jumped back out with the other machine gun and killed another 50 soldiers. He jumped back in the foxhole, drank some more jack, lobbed the grenades and killed 40 soldiers. He finished off the bottle and jumped out with his sidearm and killed the remaining 10 soldiers."

"My dad killed 150 Viet Cong singlehandedly!" Bobby says proudly.

Rather disgusted and confused the teacher asks "Bobby WHAT is the moral of this story?!?"

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American scientists decide they have to study the minds and thinkings of several nationalities of man. The build a 10' x 10' x 10' stainless steel room and in the room place two perfectly round 6" stainless steel diameter balls. They then recruit several men to see how they react to isolation within the room.

The first test subject is a devout Buddhist. He is placed in the room and the scientists begin to observe his reactions. After the first day he has done nothing but stare at the two balls. The next day is the same. On the third day they look into the room to see the one of the balls balanced perfectly on the other, the Buddhist is in the lotus position with his fingertips together, meditating. The scientists duly note the reaction and congratualate themselves.

Next, the scientists place an Englishman in the room. For the first day they observe him studying the balls and the corners of the room. The next day is the same. The third day they look in and see the Englishman playing a solitary game of snooker. The scientists duly note the reaction and congratualate themselves.

Next, the scientists place a BN in the room. They come back five minutes later to see him scratching his head, one ball is missing and the other is broken.

30. 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb while the 29 others are representing every minority group that may be affected by the lightbulb's change.

Two Aliens land on a desert highway in the middle of nowhere. They approach an old abandoned gas station in order to make contact with the humans. Confusing an old gas pump with a human being, Alien number one approaches it and says "Take me to your leader."

Alien two says to Alien one, "Dude, I don't know about this"

Angry that the gas pump is not responding to his questioning, Alien one says again, "take me to your leader, or im going zap you with my ray gun!"

Alien two, becoming more and more scared says: "I don't think it is a good idea to question this human, and I really think we should leave!"

At this point, Alien one is so anrgy that the gas pump is not responding, he pulls out his ray gun, asks once again "last chance, take me to your leader!" The pump does not respond, so he shoots it, despite two's warning against further questioning of the human.

The force of the explosion causes the two Aliens to be blown half way across the desert. When they regain consciousness, Alien one goes "man, all I did was question him and when the insolent human did not respond, I shot him and he exploded...that has never happened before!"

Alien two says "listen, I told you it was a bad idea to fuck with a guy who can wrap his dick around his arm 5 times and stick it in his ear"

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and drove off, only at the speed limit. The police officer followed him about about three blocks, then pulled pulled him over, read him his rights, and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. He asked if the man was the designated driver. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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A blonde boarded a BA flight from Heathrow to New York and shortly after take off walked into first class and sat down in a spare seat. A stewardess asked for her boarding pass, and on seeing that it's economy asks her to return to her own seat.

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first class to New York" Not wanting to cause a scene, the stewardess backed off and reported to the cabin crew director.

So he approaches the woman and also asks her to return to her seat. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first class to New York". Once again, not wishing to cause trouble, he retreats and reports to the Captain. "No problem" says he, "My wife's blonde"

The Captain hands control over to his co-pilot and walks back to the blonde, bends down and whispers into her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her seat.

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Father Brown is teaching Sunday School and asks the class if they know what happened on Easter. Little Susie raises her hand and says "Easter is when Santa Clause comes down the chimney and brings us toys". "Well no, you're close, but that's at Chrismas" says Fr. Brown. "Anyone else?" Little Timmy pops out with "It's when we dress in costumes and go door to door and get candy." "Nope, that's Halloween, little Timmy." Father Brown is beginning to get concerned when little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, little Johnny, can YOU tell us what happened at Easter?" Little Johnny begins "They put Jesus on the cross...and um...he died...so they took him down and put him in the tomb..." At this point Fr. Brown is getting very encouraged, "Yes, little Johnny, what happened next?" "Well" says little Johnny, "Well, they put him in the tomb...and...um...on the third day...on the third day, he comes out of the tomb and...if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter!"

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One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

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Father Brown is teaching Sunday School and asks the class if they know what happened on Easter. Little Susie raises her hand and says "Easter is when Santa Clause comes down the chimney and brings us toys". "Well no, you're close, but that's at Chrismas" says Fr. Brown. "Anyone else?" Little Timmy pops out with "It's when we dress in costumes and go door to door and get candy." "Nope, that's Halloween, little Timmy." Father Brown is beginning to get concerned when little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, little Johnny, can YOU tell us what happened at Easter?" Little Johnny begins "They put Jesus on the cross...and um...he died...so they took him down and put him in the tomb..." At this point Fr. Brown is getting very encouraged, "Yes, little Johnny, what happened next?" "Well" says little Johnny, "Well, they put him in the tomb...and...um...on the third day...on the third day, he comes out of the tomb and...if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter!"

Just a point of information. This is an old joke that could not get past the censorship imposed on the Smother Brothers show in the late 60's or early 70's.

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Ya know, I've been accused of being humour impaired, but even I get that joke.

I mean who can take seriously any organization founded by the same old hack that Nixon dragged out to try and debate Kerry in the 70s and managed by an old Reagan Whitehouse aide and personal friend of the Bush family.

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Five surgeons were debating who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responded, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon said, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. And the head and the ass are interchangeable."

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Come on! Give me some good jokes. Three hours on the rail... here's one more. Yep, blonde joke, (it's o.k, cuz I'm told I am one...) So the blonde finishes the puzzle and, and she is so proud of herself. After all, the box said "3-5 years," and it only took her 2...