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Thursday, February 17, 2011

Coming Out of the Closet HNT

I had a routine doctor's appointment last week. Just a six-month checkup on how the diabetes is going, and how I'm doing with it. I'm happy to say that I'm still doing pretty well. For the most part. I've actually gained weight, but I'll blame that on winter, for now. My blood sugar level is pretty good, but my blood pressure is a little higher than he'd like. So there's an adjustment in my meds. I got my cholesterol test results back today Tuesday: 134 (LDL level was 67--feel free to be impressed if you know what "normal" is!).

So this was turning out to be a decent visit, with my doctor being pleased with just about everything. Until, out of the blue, he asks, "Have you had a screening for colon cancer?" WTH?? Where did that come from? Now, for the record, I know full well that I'm at an age when there's all sorts of tests I should have had by now. That pesky "no insurance" thing has pretty much kept me from scheduling them. But now, in my condition, I need to start thinking of all these things, especially if he's going to be bringing up the subject. I knew he was serious when he gave me a "kit" to take home to take a stool sample. And I could just stick that in the mail and send it in. There's so many things wrong with just this part of things, and we hadn't even started discussing the actual procedure!

He went into his whole spiel about why I should have one, and what they're looking for, yadda, yadda... A colonoscopy, which is what I really need, costs really big bucks for someone who's uninsured, so we talked about the poor man's alternative. A flexible sigmoidoscopy. Google it, if you need to. The good news--he only shoves this ten-foot long rod up your ass part way. The bad news--nothing to sedate me. "You might feel some discomfort..." Ya think?!?

At this point, let me note that this particular area has always been a one-way street, exit only, other than the times that my mother used to take my temperature down there when I was six (for you young whipper-snappers, a rectal thermometer was the only way to take your kid's temperature back in the day. Right, Tony?). Anyhow, he went into some detail about the preparation for this inspection, including the fasting and the cleansing and how people generally take the day off for something like this because they were up all night sitting on the toilet, 'cleansing', because lord knows they want things spotless up there while they're exploring one's ass. How he'll "gently insert" this gargantuan rod, and take a look around the walls of my colon. It'll be like a parade, where they close off the streets, run the parade the wrong way on the one-way streets of downtown, and bring in the pooper-scoopers to make sure it's all clean once everyone's gone through. And then it turns into an art stroll. If he sees something interesting, he'll just pluck it off the wall and take it.

So, sometime in March (date is yet to be set), I'll be losing my anal virginity. Coming out of the closet, as it were. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to supply candy or flowers or anything. Maybe candles? Wine? On one hand, I'm sure I'll have some good blogging material. On the other hand, it might open up an entirely new lifestyle for me. I'll let you know. If I'm lucky, I could ask for a prostate exam while he's down there and get myself a two-fer!

I am not your typical girl.I tell it like it is and I hold nothing back.I'm stubborn and over analyze the world, it's both a gift and a fault.I'm a fighter and I'm sure I could kick your ass.

Know who I am yet?

Check back on Thursday afternoon to find out!

This week's MG shouldn't have been too difficult to figure out, but in case you're not sure...it's Daisygirl! Stop by and see some more pics in her jersey!A little low on the numbers at "...the Other HNT", but not lacking in quality! Stop by and check out your fellow HNTers over there! And leave some comments! NSFW, as usualIf you missed it earlier, there's a new adventure on the OsShirt page! It's Vixen and Roxy, with more pictures and stories than what they let on last summer!There's still time to help out Cher and her cancer treatments by purchasing something from one of a couple of different sites. There's the Scentsy site, which is all explained here, or the stuff from My 31 here. There's also a Paypal account set up in case you'd just like to donate money directly for her. She's currently undergoing radiation treatments, and has suggested that she might sneak in a picture or two while she's glowing for HNT! How could we ignore something like that?!?It's been awhile that I've said anything, feel free to ask me a question or two in that Formspring box up there in the sidebar! Nothing's off limits!

Ahhh Os! I can't say I envy you really! Still, a Man's gotta do what a Man's gotta do! Just try to think of it as just a really big thermometer, after all you were a lot smaller when those thermometers were used on you, so it may be relative in a way! ;)

Os, Over here everyone over a certain age has to spread poop on a piece of paper and post it through the mail. It's a natural precaution because colon cancer is very curable if caught early enough. Sadly my grandfather died from this back when they didn't talk about bottoms.

As to your anal virginity, trust me, once it's gone through the initial muscle ring, it should be fine and if they know what they're doing, I'm sure it will slip in fairly easily.

Im up with something that may interfere with your blood pressure. You have been warned ;P

I have to blush and confess I've had this procedure done. Yes, it's not comfortable, yes you'll be embarrassed (who wouldn't be?)but the embarrassment is mainly due to the amount of farting you'll be doing after the rod comes out! If it's any comfort to you, the rod is flexible! Good luck and I hope they don't find anything. Mine was just IBS.

For all such things, the "prep" is much worse than the actual exam. And I don't know if your doctor told you this; but, once you have the baseline exam, you're on your way to "checkups" every few years to see if anything has changed.

We're up a Married in Ohio with a profile photo from our fictional personal ad. I'm even "flexing" like the ex-congressman.

~cringing at the scope idea~Having gone though the colonoscopy fun last year, I'm wondering what happens if they need more info after the sigmoid-thingy? Would you then have to get the colonoscopy and pay for two procedures? You'd think there would be some sort of lower cost payment plan in place for people without insurance. :(Stupid health care.