Global Ponzi, aka the world capitalist oligopoly's
leetle joke, moved several umbrella steps closer to its
logical endgame -- world economic collapse --
today, as CNN revealed that world people everywhere are
all, suddenly, in unison, demanding their fucking soul
back -- you know, the one they "lent" to Capitalism in
exchange for, like, food 'an stuff.

But, according to the Fox News Network, it appears that
-- whoops -- the bank where the souls are kept is, like,
all EMPTY. Sorry -- yuh buncha losers!

"Apparently," said a spokesman for the world capitalist
oligopoly, "we sold all those old souls long ago for
beer and Twinkie money, and to buy the silence of
witnesses who saw us selling those souls on a monumental scale
to buy monumental quantities of beer and Twinkies."

Analysts claim the current world economic collapse is
not really the fault of lying scumbag capitalist world
Ponzi schemers but, rather, a reflection of larger
cosmic forces, such as the one reported just yesterday
where recent astronomical observations indicate that the
universe is actually now rapidly contracting --
contrary to recent theoretical claims of the infinite
opposite.

Or else it's all World Lesbianism's fault.

Either way, the American people are advised, by CNN, to
keep their phenobarbital, vodka, and plastic bag kits on
hand at all times.

"This will be the first generation of man," said Garth
Register Jr, CEO of World Coroner Inc., "to all have
their death certificates read the same. 'Cause of
Death: collapse of the universe.'"

Internet Inventor Bought By Cleanser Company

Wired Digital, inventor of not only the internet, but
also the Wired Digital Rectal Exam Kit, was purchased
today by Lycos, the detergent maker and inventor of the
stuff you use to clean soap scum off bathroom tiles, if,
in fact, you even bother to clean, you know, the scum,
off your, you know, "tiles."

"This is a win-win situation (yawn)," said Lycos CEO
Rebecca Kramer. "This purchase pretty much casts in
stone our status as the undisputed #1 internet portal
when it comes to the world's bathroom -- which, as
everyone is starting to learn, is not such a bad place
to be, as it is, of course, the place where the last
vestige of the human soul resides and, therefore, the
place where most purchasing decisions originate."