Report 37

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My choices have had to do with what I've been calling exposures, but a better word would be disclosures... with simply not hiding... trust, confidence... learning to in essence, act out of a place of 'no cages' etc.

Staying with that...seeing what that means.

There have been two crisis at home this week. They seem like little earthquakes shifting things around, and I welcome the shifting but find the timing inconvenient, as I do the cold I have now, and the 84 degree weather as others discuss the snow.

I had an angry dream a few weeks ago, of yelling "I am done, done with this" about one of the things shaken. It felt good. I'm trying to tell myself that it is just 'ordinary mind' which finds necessary and in fact long overdue change 'inconvenient'. :)

As for the practice, I've found that since the first extended breathing excercize (have returned to it for shorter periods) breathing is 'first' ... I'm very conscious of taking/giving, arriving/returning...settling into no-ground ground. I've considered Shunyru Suzuki's 'swinging door' image quite a bit, and ways in which we construct and deconstruct our 'self' or 'selves' continually.

It isn't lost on me that my reports dwell on the same themes, which does not mean that I'm just doing my own thing. :)

There are brilliantly unfolding subtleties and distinctions, and certainly there is a greater sense of allowing the living being that Stim wants to hear from... that living being who appreciates fully and loves fully and makes it possible for the freeing mentioned above... who knows that sadness has its work to do, and lets it... then lets it go.

Unsticking. Unkeeping. Fluidity... :)

Came across a line in reading which I thought spoke to what Stim has been pointing to for us to uncover:

"The natural expression of pure being is its own antidote."

I don't know what that means, but it feels comforting. :)

Really liked Dao's phrasing of : I guess part of the trick is to find some basis for choosing that is more "alive",that isn't just a sense of obligation, an overly constrained sense of self/personality -- those choices are hard to stick with. And felt warm and fuzzy reading Gaya with the baby. :)