Obama Retirement: “I’ll Take Time to Reflect on What Americans Did Wrong”

WASHINGTON – As President Obama gives his “exit” interviews before leaving office in January, he’s been asked what some of the first things he plans on doing are, once he’s settled in his Washington D.C. mansion. As the modest man he’s always been, Obama said he’s going to do some deep introspection and reflect for a while, before writing a book.

“I’m going to do two things, primarily. First, I’ll spend a great deal of time looking at myself. Our new place in DC is being fitted with wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling mirrors in every room. Most of my first year out of office will be spent taking selfies, and I’ll be able to reflect and admire myself from any angle, and any location in the house. That will help me fully realize just how great I’ve been for the country, and how lucky the United States has been to have had me to guide them out of the worst financial situation since medieval times.”

“Secondly,” Barack continued, “I’ll try to count the number of ways the American people screwed everything up. That’s going to take some time. The fact that Democrats lost over 1000 seats in state legislatures, governor’s races, and congressional seats during my 8 years in office, proves that we were doing the right things. I just believe the average voter was too stupid to see that. If a person who’s seeing their earnings decrease can’t see how that’s to their benefit, then I can’t help them.”

“If someone can’t realize that we’re a better America when we’re all divided, and fighting each other, then nobody can make them happy. All I can say is, ‘Good luck, Mr. Trump!'”

Americans, and every citizen in the entire world for that matter, are better off now than they were 8 years ago when Obama took office. When asked for proof of this, Mr. Obama replied, “Because I said they are. I’m an expert in everything.”