So, most of you don’t know this, but my hubs fancies himself a pretty funny guy. He is big on the joke gifts. Along with that, he is also super generous to the extreme. Which is a problem, sometimes. Our normal Xmas looks like this: presents for Misty, totaling in the thousands of dollars…..Misty having to choose which of the super awesome gifts to return because we just can’t afford to spend all that money (last year = Wii, year before = Coach bag, etc.). So, although it is very sweet of him to want to buy me vast amounts of swag, it also makes me very sad when I have to choose which too expensive items to keep & which to return.

This year, I attempted to nip that in the bud. I requested one item, and one item only: a laptop. See, I never ask for anything, which usually gets him in trouble, because there are no parameters. This year, I made it clear what I wanted. I even said, “it doesn’t have to be an iPad or even a MacBook or anything. Just a simple laptop.”

So, based on that, I was pretty sure of what I would be getting Xmas morning. What I wasn’t sure of was what else would be under the tree…… This is what I got:

Retro!

This is actually pretty cool. And no, it was not a present for the kids. It was specifically for me. I think I remember having one of these as a kid. Either that, or one of my childhood friends did and I just remember playing with it. Anyway, it’s kind of awesome.

Monster hands . . . rowr!!

For those of you sans kiddies, you might not know what this is. Those with crotch monsters will obviously recognize Brobee from Yo Gabba Gabba fame. The hubs got me these gloves. Thoughtful, because of course now I can look like a homeless crazy person, but still have access to my iPhone. What a sweet gift!

Next, the hubs combined the love of my favorite sports team, with my love of wearing clothing that covers my ass. Well, he got the first part right, anyway…….

Go Ravens!! Caw Caw!

I better be!

As if this thing would even cover half of my massive derierre . . . hence the joke part of the gift. The hubs said when he first stopped into VS, they had ones that said “Here’s your halftime show,” but when he returned to get them, they were sold out. Raise your hand if you think there are people out there wearing these things unironically. Yep, I see all of you. Sad world, no?

Next, of course, came the reading material. The hubs knows that I love to read. He always supplies me with some fine books as gifts so that I can sustain my insatiable appetite for literature. Here are the selections he chose this Xmas:

Sage advice, really.

Yee-ha!!

And the best for last . . . . .

How did this happen???

I know y’all are super jealous of my highly educational and entertaining literary works up there. When I finish perusing them, I promise to share if you are nice to me, ok?

He also gave my son a joke gift as well:

My little wolf.

And just so you know . . . the hubs isn’t immune to getting some joke gifts himself. Mine were relatively tame (a Justin Beiber movie and a Lady Gaga one as well . . . oh, and I wrapped every one of his presents in Justin Beiber wrapping paper), but there is an ongoing gift exchange between him and his nephew (who is my age). Usually his nephew gives us something crazy and then a real gift. We do the same for him. It all started many years ago with a pink hoody that said “I like boys” with hearts on it, that the hubs gave to his nephew. It has evolved over the years. This year, the hubs gave his nephew a Marshmallow thong and Sponge Bob rain boots. I gave him a “girls night out” movie pack of “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” “What a Girl Wants,” and . . . 2 more very girlie movies I can’t remember. This is what he gave my husband:

Looks like a fun evening . . .

Nothing says Merry Christmas like 2 thongs and Blaxploitation videos!

Ok, now on to the real gifts. The hubs done did good this year for me. This was my real gift:

My precioussssss!!

Yep. IPad. It is pretty awesome. Although the entire reason I wanted a laptop was so I could sit in front of the TV and also blog, and it is giving me some problems with that. I can’t seem to upload any pics from it to WordPress. Anyone with an IPad & WordPress have any ideas for me?

Oh, and of course I also got this:

Mmmmm . . . coffeeeeee!!!

So, yeah, he did good. Plus, there wasn’t anything really overly extravagant that I have to return (yes, I know about the IPad. Let me live in blissful self-delusional ignorance, ok?). There were a few returns that occurred, small things, but I am gonna get to that in a later post. Stay tuned.

So, what did you get for Xmas? What was your most favoritest thing? Any gag gifts you wanna share with the class?

I just wanted to leave you all with holiday greetings, as I am going to be MIA for the next week. I am off work until the day after New Years, except for one day next week where I am due in court. I will try to check in on some of your sites if I get the time (and the laptop I am asking for this xmas, DO YOU HERE ME, HUBS, err, Santa?), but don’t expect any new posts any time soon. I mean, unless I also get some sort of burst of creativity for xmas as well, but I’m not envisioning that scenario occurring.

Anyway, to everyone at this time of year, for whatever you celebrate, be it Chanukah (Happy Dreidel Days, ma peeps!), Christmas (Ho Ho Ho), Kwanzaa (Joyous kwanzaa to you all!) or Festivus (for the rest of us) . . . have a very happy one. Enjoy the time with your loved ones, and try not to kill any family members. It would not be very festive of you, right?

Now, before I leave you all, I feel it is my duty, nay my absolute obligation, to share with you one of the raddest things that I have received so far this holiday season. Remember back when I was begging and pleading with all of you to send me your addresses so I could send everyone a xmas card? Well, a few of you asked for mine and have sent cards to me as well. The first one I received was from Carrie from The Cannibalistic Nerd fame. And this was no ordinary card. No, not at all. This was a hand-made card, which she described as something a 7 year old might create. I would describe it as fucking awesome!! So, I felt I had to share this creative card with you all, so you could appreciate the absolute joy I experienced as I perused this most wonderful and thoughtful of creations. My kids were wondering why mommy was cackling so hard at this card and I had to show them. They also enjoyed it, despite not truly understanding the significance. But y’all will get it.

Ok, have I built it up enough yet? Well, without further ado, here it is . . . enjoy:

Front side . . .

Completely and totally fucking awesome, right? Possibly the best card ever made in the entire world? Am I over-stating this? I really don’t think so! 🙂 I have also received some lovely and adorable cards from some of my other peeps, so don’t feel bad that I didn’t include your cards here as well. I truly appreciate all the cards I have received from everyone (I have received Johi’s & Thoughtsy’s cards so far and am being told by others that more are coming). Thank you to everyone, really. And here is where I’m gonna get all sappy on your asses, so if you prefer to skip this part, feel free. I am truly thankful and grateful for all of you out there in the blogosphere that I have met this year, both online and personally. You all have made me laugh, made me cry and made me so happy that I started this blog, because otherwise I never would have known any of you. And having you all in my lives has been the greatest gift this year that I ever could have received. I am truly thankful for all of your friendships and support over these last few months and love all of you crazy bitches (even the dude-bitches!) to death. Thank you for coming into my life and sharing your own lives with me. I feel truly blessed and grateful for all of you. Have a wonderful holiday season everyone. See you all in the New Year. Love ya! Happy Happy to all!! Misty

Ok, is it me, or does it seem like the world has gone completely crazy lately and nobody seems to be pointing out the madness? Oh, so it is just me . . . maybe I’m the crazy one. Fine, you want examples?

Exhibit A:

Whoop-sie!

The above ad is an actual advertisement that I found while I was perusing my weekly coupon circulars to cut out my .25 off Downy coupon. (No, I am not an old crazy coupon lady. Not yet, anyway. Oh, shut it!). Ahem, anyway . . . .

Is it just me, or could you have happily gone your entire life without witnessing Whoopie Goldberg’s “Oops, I just pissed my pants” face? Still just me? Damn. Ok, then.

Exhibit B:

Microphone hands?

Sing it, soul sister!

This is Patrick Monahan from Train, performing on the live season finale of The Biggest Loser last week. Apparently, Train now has a new theme song they wrote for the show and they appeared on the season finale to perform it. Here’s the thing . . . am I the only one who thinks Pat Monahan has morphed into Edward Scissorhands? I mean seriously, that first picture screams “can I please cut your bushes into cute woodland creatures?”

Exhibit C:

When show girls attack?

This one was shot by the hubs. Yep, we are a family of picture takers when seeing whacked out shit going on around us. Anyway . . . he saw this in a Chicago airport. He was just mindin’ his bidness, when a troupe of dancing show girls came parading past. He has no idea what their purpose was or what the occasion was, but decided to document the craziness whilst it happened.

So, I repeat . . . am I the only one who thinks the world has gone mad? Has anyone else seen anything completely bizarre with no explanation and might agree with me about this whole crazy shitbug world we are apparently living in? Or am I just losing my mind and everything is copacetic?

A couple months ago, I heard a report about a woman in Illinois who died from injecting beef fat into her face. Apparently it was supposed to help make her look younger or something, and this wasn’t the first time she had done it. This is the article:

The story was later updated to report that the beef fat injection was not what actually killed her. However, I can’t help but think that injecting beef fat into your face is not necessarily healthy. Then again, what is Botox but putting poison into your face so that it won’t move or allow expressions? But no wrinkles, so hey! Soooo pretty now!!

Anyway, after hearing this story, it got me thinking. Of course, at first all I could think about was that she had a “Hot. Beef. INJECTION.” I’m thinking Bender had a different idea of what that phrase meant at the time.

But now, I’m starting to think that maybe putting things in your face to make you look young isn’t such a bad idea. Time isn’t exactly on my side at this point, and I ain’t looking any younger, ya know? And after all, it wasn’t the hot beef injection that killed her. So I’m sure it has to be safe, right? Hmm, maybe I should think this over a bit more. Or maybe, I should try some other type of liquid injection . . .

Ever put anything weird or wacky into your face/body? Did you die? Lose an appendage? Become mute?

I ask because I think I should probably know this before I shoot kool-aid into my veins to make me have super powers and be able to break through walls, right?

Our family is very big on traditions. At the start of my hubs and my relationship, we unknowingly started our very first tradition. Our first date was on the evening of Thanksgiving. We went to see a movie. Thus began an approximately 10 year tradition of always going out to see a movie after having Thanksgiving dinner with the family. It was such a tradition that the entire family knew that we would always be going out to see a movie, and would ask us what we were seeing that night every time we saw them at Thanksgiving. Sadly, that tradition is no more since after having kids, it was just too difficult to always go out to a movie on Thanksgiving night. Also, we both grew tired of it. It started to feel more like an obligation than a fun tradition, and truthfully, we were getting old and tired, and really just wanted to go home and have some pie.

But, we still have many traditions that are going strong. We always go cut down a Christmas Tree, we always have the entire family over to our house on Christmas Eve for dinner, we always have breakfast with his parents and we always go to his sister’s house for Christmas dinner and have the best lasagna in the world. The hubs waits for that lasagna all year. It is delish.

Another tradition the hubs and I have on Christmas day actually started just a few years ago, and by chance. After we returned from stuffing ourselves full of lasagna at his sister’s house, got the kids all tucked into bed and finally collapsed from an exhaustingly festive day, we turned on the television and discovered that one of the all time best holiday movies ever made was just starting. So, that year, we sat there, completely stuffed and exhausted, and watched that movie. What is the movie, you ask? Well, here’s a hint:

Snow, Snow, SNOW, SNOOOWWWW!!!

Any guesses? What if I say Sisters?

Sisters. Sisters.

That’s right, I’m talking about the classic Christmas movie . . . Irving Berlin’s White Christmas. Personally, I think this movie has everything: Humor, holiday spirit, fine acting, singing, dancing, a misunderstanding that eventually turns around in the end, and love and happily ever after for the main characters. It is the perfect holiday movie.

The hubs and I make it a point to avoid watching this until Christmas has officially come and almost gone. We have been known to be watching this movie well into the day after Christmas. Actually, to clarify, I will usually be watching it; the hubs usually falls asleep about half way through. I am the type that once I start watching a movie, I have to watch it until the end. The hubs is Mr. Lights Out when a movie comes on. He tries to stay awake, but it is indeed a long day, so I don’t blame him. I would fall asleep if I could, but somehow am not able to. I just have to see the end.

Anyway, if you have never seen the movie, or if it has been years since you have watched it in it’s entirety, I urge you to sit down sometime this holiday season and watch this fantastic film. Get yourself a holiday beverage (or 2 or 3), and enjoy this romping holiday classic. Word to the wise, though . . . you may want to skip over the Mandy number. It is just my personal opinion, but I think the movie could do without this one. It is pretty long and glaring, and those legs of Vera-Ellen are just freakishly skinny. I’ve seen the movie a dozen or more times, and I still watch and think they are just gonna snap any second with all that kicking and bending and dancing. Jeesh. That girl was in serious need of a sammich!

I'm dreaming . . . of a White Christmas!

So, what is your favorite holiday tradition? What do you do every single year without fail? What is your favorite holiday movie?

——————————————————————————————————————–

Ok, apparently y’all were scared off by that stalking comment in last week’s post. I really don’t wanna stalk you. But I do want to send Christmas cards to you. So far I have only received 3 addresses. Three, people! I am feeling very unloved. So, since I know you want a card from me, Imma gonna need ya to inbox me those addresses so I can send out cards this week (this is my goal). mistyslaws at gmail dot com. Come on, peeps. I know you want one!!

This is Buddy. He is an elf on the shelf. If you are unaware of this phenomenon because you don’t have kids or just have not succumbed to the charms associated with this tradition, let me explain. The elf on the shelf is an elf that sits in your home, watching the kids to make sure they are being good. Every night he flies home to Santa to tell him the score of the day. Then on Christmas Eve, Santa picks him up and he goes back to the North Pole until the holidays roll around the next year.

Every family has to name their elf, and my kids picked the name Buddy. Actually, it was originally Santa’s Little Buddy, but we shortened it. Either that, or he was going to be named The Grinch (per my 3 year old), but that was vetoed because it didn’t quite have that holiday spirit.

Because he flies back to Santa every night, in the morning, he is always in a different spot in our house. Sometimes on the fireplace mantel, sometimes on the drapes, on a lamp, a picture frame . . . you get the idea. Basically, Buddy has free reign to come and go as he pleases and reposition himself wherever he feels comfortable.

The children have delighted every morning in trying to find where Buddy ended up the prior evening, and gleefully announce his whereabouts once he is spotted. Basically, Buddy has been a welcome addition to our (mostly) holiday loving family.

But, I have recently discovered that Buddy may not be what he appears. Apparently, there is a dark side to Buddy. He is not content to just sit on a shelf and wait for the kids to discover him with glee each morning. Oh no. He is a very naughty little elf. Apparently, he has been having a bit of fun in the dark hours of the night while everyone else is asleep.

The way I discovered his bad boy side was when one morning, as I was leaving for work, I took a look at my phone. I noticed that there were some abnormalities from when I left it to charge the night before. First, it was no longer charging. Someone had unplugged it and left it almost drained of the battery. Second, when I turned it on, it did not go to the main page. No, it did not. It instead opened onto some pretty disturbing images. It seems that my phone had been used during the night to document some shenanigans occurring between Buddy and a host of other characters that in years past have been content to also sit on mantels and shelves to decorate the house during the holidays. But apparently, not this night. I can only assume that Buddy was a bad influence on our holiday friends. And I have documented proof of the wild times that occurred between Buddy and these normally sedate and classical holiday characters.

Brace yourself . . . these pictures are quite graphic and I wouldn’t want to ruin your childhood memories of all these beloved icons forever. You might not want to look any further . . .

Ok, then . . . I warned you. Here they are:

Playing Reindeer Games

Guess he caught him.

Look away, Cornelius. Look away.

He likes it Ruff.

One happy dentist.

Oh, Gingy!

Not you too, Sam!

Santa Claus is coming . . .

Manage a Elf

Well, I’m sorry you had to be subjected to those vile and obscene photos, but I felt it was my obligation to show the world the dangers of having an elf in your home. Apparently, my elf is a complete nympho, and I fear yours might be as well. Keep an eye on those elves, and you may want to hide all your other holiday decorations. For the safety of all reindeer, please, be vigilant!

Well, ’tis the season and all of that shiz. Fa la la la la. Basically, what I’m saying is that we have started the Christmas decorating extravaganza that occurs at our home right after Thanksgiving, and are mid-chaos. And I am in holiday hell.

First, let me say, that I am somewhat ambivalent towards Christmas. I think this has something to do with my upbringing. In contrast, the hubs is Mr. Falalapants, and loves this holiday like no other. Also, I believe, because of his youth.

Let’s review . . . my family is quite small. Just my parents and my brother and me. So, Christmas in my family was not a huge family affair. I mean, we got a tree, and we decorated it, and we did the Christmas morning presents from Santa thing. But there just wasn’t that whole family feeling you have in other families that are large and raucous and joyful. That is the hubs’ family.

The hubs’ is the youngest of five kids. By the time he was 6, he was an uncle. (His oldest nephew is one year older than me. It’s always so funny when he calls me Auntie Misty. Ha ha). But anyway, basically, there are a ton of people in his family. Christmas for him was always a time for everyone to get together and celebrate family and have a great time. The hubs’ has very warm and fond memories of his childhood Christmas’. My memories consist of my mother crying in her room on Christmas day because my brother and I wanted to play our new video games and not hang out with her. Very merry, right?

Anyway, all of that is to explain how the hubs and I have different points of view of this holiday. Over the years, I have tried to warm to the holiday. First, for him, and then later, for the kids. So, I do all the fun holiday tradition stuff . . . getting a Christmas tree, decorating the house, taking the kids to see Santa, sending Christmas cards, even having his entire loud and vivacious family over for dinner on Christmas eve (that’s an entirely separate saga for another time). But it is an effort for me to try to get into the holiday spirit, whilst for him, it oozes from his pores. Basically, because he is so damn holly jolly, I try to follow his lead on a lot of Christmas related activities, rather than come across as a Scrooge.

This brings us to the Tree. Every year we go to a Christmas tree farm to cut down a fresh tree. There is this really nice place a few miles away from us with huge fields full of beautiful tall trees. It also has a big barn in the middle of the farm that sells wreathes, ornaments and other odds and ends. Plus, we always get some hot cocoa there after the tree cutting. It is a lovely family tradition and something we have done for quite a few years.

The hubs and I used to argue about when to go get the tree. I used to think closer to Christmas was better because then the tree would be fresh and more vibrant when Christmas rolled around and for the inevitable few weeks after that the tree would remain up. He thinks we should go get the tree the day after Thanksgiving. Period. Some years I have stood firm and demanded we get it closer to Christmas. Some years I have conceded to his demands. This was one of the latter years.

This year, there was no way I was going to argue with him. I still, of course, thought it was too early, for a variety of reasons: 1. The day after Thanksgiving was a full month before Christmas this year and the tree would be completely brittle and dying by the official day, and 2. Not to mention when we took it down, I would get stabbed by all the little sharp brown dead needles when un-decorating the tree. 3. The day after Thanksgiving was merely 2 days after his mother’s funeral, and I didn’t think it was all Tis the Season time at that point. However, this was also the reason that I was going to let him have it this year. He needed something fun and family oriented and Christmasy to take his mind off of the grief. All of us, really. So, after Thanksgiving it was. Off we went to the farm.

We got what could very possibly be called the perfect tree. It is tall, it is full and it is beautiful.

Mini lumberjack in training.

That is my little one helping to cut down a tree. That is not our tree and I think he might have been doing it wrong. But he was having fun, so whatevs.

So, we get our tree, bring it home, put it in the tree holder and get it in the house. It is lovely sitting in the corner of our living room. And there it sits . . . for a full week. Completely untouched. Naked. Neglected. Sad.

The problem was that I am the one who decorates it. Just me. I put on the lights. I put on the bows. I put up the angel (I hate that bitch, she is so damn difficult!), I put on all the ornaments (with a bit of help from my wee little elves). So, the tree sat waiting for me to decorate it. And I just could not find the energy or desire to do so. Until this weekend, where I forcibly made myself get into the holiday spirit at least long enough to get off my ass to decorate that goddamn tree. With much prompting from my boys all week of course, and also because I was forcibly trying to get myself back into life and walk away from the grieving depressive state I had been in for about 2 weeks.

So, Saturday morning rolls around and it is time to decorate the tree. The hubs had brought up a bunch of the Christmas boxes from the basement, including the ornament box and the boxes with the lights. So, I plug in the lights I am going to use to make sure they work. They do. I start to wrap those things around this beast of a tree. I spend about 2 hours on and off, wrapping the lights around, until I get to about halfway up the tree and realize that one of the strands is pretty old and looks crappy with the wires coming apart. I also realize that I am not going to have enough lights. So, halfway through tree lighting, I have to run out to the store to get more lights. Of course. So, I come home, start dinner, put some more lights on the tree, and realize that I can’t reach the top of the tree (not even close) with my little step stool, and needed our bigger ladder. So I ask the hubs where it is . . . it’s at our other house (another saga, don’t ask) and he doesn’t have the key because he gave it to the guy doing work on it this week. Great. How exactly am I supposed to get up top to put the lights on? So, I made him drive over to our BIL’s house to borrow his ladder. While waiting, I feed the kids dinner, play with the kiddies, then put the little one to bed. When the hubs brings the ladder back, I proceed to put the rest of the lights up . . . except I am still not tall enough to reach the top. Damn this tall tree!

So, I enlist the hubs’ help. He climbs up and puts the very last strand on the tip top of the tree. Plus, he then needs to put the angel on top. As he is doing this, the lights go out. Complete darkness for the entire tree. What the what!! So frustrated right now! We check the power. Fine. We check the outlet. Fine. We check the connections. Fine. Damnit, I know what it is. The first strand, wrapped all the way around the bottom of the tree, which is an older strand, has obviously gone out, since all the others are plugged into it. I check it and yep, that one is the problem. Which means, I have to take that one completely off, and then put 2 more down on the bottom in it’s place because it was a 250 strand and I only have 2 100 strands left. Sigh.

Now, I’m pissed. And tired. And frustrated. Damn this tree. I do finally get the burned out one off and get the new ones on. But I’ve now decided that I am done for the night. It is late and I’ll do the rest tomorrow. So, the hubs decides to use a bungy cord to tether the tree to the wall so it doesn’t fall over during the night (this has totally happened before). Great idea. Except that before I go to bed, I notice the tree is leaning at a very sharp angle towards the wall where the bungy cord has slowly pulled it askew. Fuck me.

Oh, and did I mention that I am allergic to pine? Either that or I’m allergic to peace, joy and good will towards men, which is more probable at this point. Anyway, this happens to me every year:

Itchy.

(I know it’s hard to tell, but I have little red bumps all over any place on my body that touched that tree. And scratches, because obviously that fucking tree hated me and was trying to cut a bitch).

Whatever . . . the next day, I straightened the damn thing, got the bows on it, got the decorations on it, and am finally done with this tree from hell.

Ohhhh Tannenbaum!!

She was a real bitch and almost ended me, but I won. She’s upright, lighted, decorated and topped with a bitch angel. I am done.