Thursday, October 25, 2012

I
was sitting in a coffee shop the other day and across from me was an
Asian (Hindu looking) woman and a black man (possibly African), being
affectionate. I used the descriptive terms above to draw a picture
and illustrate that you wouldn’t necessarily put these two together
under usual circumstances, but there they were, a couple.

A 'fly' black woman!

It
got me thinking about how black women discount themselves from
certain mixed relationships and discount other people from being
interested in them, and how this mindset might actually (more than
anything else) be the reason why they don’t get to be in these
partnerships and with diverse types of men and not- as they believe-
the world-wide conspiracy against black womanhood. Contrary to
popular opinion and given our eclectic society where people brush up
against each other and are compelled in dozen ways each day, to
eschew small mindedness and instead join the mainstream of life, most
people are not automatons programmed fully by the prejudices of their
communities, such that they cannot respond favourably and positively
to other people, no matter how maligned these are by their in-group.

There
are a hundred different reasons why a 'Hindu' woman would not date a
black man, but maybe it is the knowledge of these reasons in the mind
of the black man that would be the barrier and not the reasons
themselves. In the case of black women I am beginning to think this
is the critical issue.

One
of the reasons why I am beginning to lean in this direction is that
in a multiracial community as most of us live in, we mostly interact
with others outside the charged imperative of finding a mate or
getting into a relationship. We meet as work of school colleagues,
just getting on with work or school tasks, not looking to get into
'relationships' with any of these. This can mean we can find
ourselves falling for another before we remember to put up barriers
of prejudices and apply the 'he/she is not suitable' type parameters.

Richard
has a lovely smile and he is passionate about the environment. I
deeply admire these attributes and respond positively -but unconsciously- to Richard
and way before I even realize I am thinking along lines that should
trigger or make me trigger my reservations about romance with him,
and the process is happening vice versa. This is a scenario that
plays out, a hundred thousand times a day around our multiracial
communities. By the time we think of triggering our romantic
reservations, the impression formed of an individual might simply be
too overwhelmingly positive to override. Nature is a master at
manipulating the situation in favour of optimising reproduction and
the diversity that improves an offspring's chances of persisting into
the future.

There
are other realities of a modern society that can also strengthen our
resolve against retreating back into old insular ways, for one, more
and more interracial couples out there proclaim loudly -without
saying a single word- that it can be done and it's no longer a big
deal. Many of us also have come to understand that our communities
are not bastions of peace and self-sufficiency but can be places of
pain and stifling, so why not open to good wherever it comes. Many of
us also know there are higher values to live up to, of openness,
tolerance, the brotherhood of all humans and despite religious and
cultural arguments, many of us would love to live up to these ideals.

And
to leave the domain of theory, there are men who have developed a
taste for black woman that is beyond social re-engineering –
strange as it might be for black women to believe and accept this to
be the case, which is a sad commentary on our sense of self worth.

I
know some people experienced a little discomfort at the word 'taste',
but guess what, I bet they would still experience discomfort if I
used the words preference, 'are stuck on' or 'fixated', which is a
commentary on how any sort of attraction to us, good or otherwise, on the
part of white men has been 'sordidized' (yes this is a made up word).
I remember a couple of years ago, one perceptive commenter on a web
discussion on interracial dating, asking the question, 'how does a
white man then show his legitimate/valid attraction to a black
woman?' She then went on to answer her own question, that it appears
there is no provision given for such an occurrence.

Guess
what, when a white man's attraction is made sordid under any and all
circumstances, this is how black women's womanly confidence suffers;
she may start off frowning at white men for their ugly attraction to
her but she later starts to (with the help of black commentary on the
issue) believe something about her encourages this abnormal and
inordinate response in him, and then she begins to nurse major doubts
about her own femininity and feminine attraction.

As
an addendum, a good deal of us feel that men are conditionally
attracted to us (i.e. because of what we did right). This is the way
media/current culture shapes the discourse (women need to do A, B,
and C to be attractive). There is no denying that appearance and
presentation etc go a long way, however it is essential to consider
that some of the times, it is more about who that person is
(internally), that makes for his attraction to us.

How
does a black woman deal with gnawing self-doubt as she interacts with
the world?

One
way is to ignore it or act despite it.

Actors
and performers often deal with crippling stage fright/fears, they
still get through their performances without mishap. Sometime the
answer is, 'Just do it'- just like Nike says. You don’t have to
necessarily, resolve your disquiets before you accept the attention
of a man or mingle in a group like you are the belle of the ball.
Step forward even with the butterflies- the butterflies often are
gone by act 1 scene 2!

Sometimes
you fake it, nod and accept he thinks you are this magical thing, and
soon you will grow into the confidence.

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Thursday, October 18, 2012

When
I wrote about the habit of black boys beating down black school
girls, a number of readers wrote in about their experiences. Thank
you for the responses. I have held off mentioning this pattern that I
had noticed with black boys and their targeting of black girls for
physical abuse, even though I have been noticing it for a while now.
I believe it is simply an extension of the toxic black female hatred
situation within the black community where black women and girls are
disrespected and devalued, and this mindset is now communicating and
implanting itself in black boys as soon as they start to understand
and actively related to black girls.

Soul
Alive wrote:

My
daughter is in Middle school here in the states, and she informs me
some loser Black kid came and asked her for the answers to an
assignment. She quickly told him, what have you ever done for me? I
lol'd at how sharp she is. On a more serious note, I advised her to
stay away from that type. She went on to tell me that when she
refused to capitulate, he whined and fussed. Eventually one of her
friends gave him the answers as well as loan him a pencil! I told her
to avoid that friend.

Turns
out when the dirt bag was done with the pencil, he threw it at the
young lady who had just helped him. I teach my daughter from YOUNG to
avoid most things Black and male.

Soul
alive provided here, an example of the problem that black girls who
are aware and want to distance themselves from the whole unhealthy
will face. When other black girls, yield themselves and their bodies
to the idea of venerating black boys and catering to their wants and
needs, they actually begin to create an environment where every black
girl, (even the ones who do not accept this state of play), will
become endangered. Mothers must never shy away from discussing this
issue with their daughters (the toxicity of black circles, the
entitlement behaviour of black boys and the constant black female
endangering appeasement and veneration coming from other black
girls/women) and pointing out the clear examples as in this case, of
what such a general dynamic brings about; the out of control sense of
entitlement of black men/boys and the subsequent bodily and emotional
harm of black girls in their line of sight.

AK
wrote:

The
black girl said to her 'Come on Michelle man! I've been hit before
plenty of times it's no big deal. Just go back down man you're
holding up the bus!' I have to hand it to the biracial girl though
she still stood her ground and refused to get up and she said 'No, I
don't like being hit and he was there slapping me on my face going
mad'. Then of course the WM driver stopped the bus and people had to
get up and get out and wait for the next bus. A bunch of older white
people were about to get on one of them had her young biracial
daughter/granddaughter almost about to cry and the woman was cradling
the girl's head.

Yes,
you have black girls and black women actually contributing to this
environment where black men are king. They shore it up, fetch the
necessary players (i.e. other black girls who will serve and bow down
to black men). They disarm other black girls who may think to resist.
They wear them down with accusations that they are uppity, self
haters etc, and cause them to doubt themselves and their desire to be
treated with respect. They gather the surplus of black females that
will be required for the harem of black men and to ensure that the
number advantage and resultant devaluation of black women continues
(this is why even black women who know that too many black women
chasing black men has a negative impact on black women's ability to
bargain for fairness and positive treatment, and who have even
experienced what it does for the black woman's desire for fairness
and respect, continue to push for black women to remain surplus to
black men).

These
black women and girls have become toxic to themselves and there isn’t
much one can do but separate from and instruct your daughters to keep
away from them and their circles or else they will work on you
mentally and otherwise to recruit you to that social order and they
will not rest, because a black woman operating outside this state of
play an affront to them and their identity.

The 'Uppercutting'
bus driver

Shidea on right. Should she be punched or should she be arrested, that is the question.

Most readers
would have by now come across this incident widely reported on the net (if not type 'bus driver uppercut' in google. I find it very
intriguing especially since a couple of days before I had written
this:

...And
let a black girl even tap a black boy lightly even in a playful
manner, and that becomes a reason to viciously beat her down because,
'she hit me first'.

In this case the
black girl in question Shidea N. Lane was without doubt very
aggressive and as they say 'put her hands on the driver first'.

The driver made
a curious statement, about how if she wanted to be treated like a
man, 'he would treat her like one.' I think its a very telling one,
that suggests underlining belief that black women who are aggressive
need to be dealt with with brutal boxing ring force as opposed to
being restrained (e.g. blocked, arms twisted behind their backs,
shoved away). There was nothing in the driver's reactions that was
about self protection etc as can be seen (the woman was standing
before him calmly when he swung back and gave her that massive
uppercut that even a man twice her size). His actions came from a
place of hatred not frustration or self protection and I am not
surprised (but many of you are curiously) that he has been suspended.
His statement was a 'real' statement about where his heart was.

Apparently
according to reports, the driver continued to fight with this
passenger until he was separated by other passengers.

Well the bus
service has issued its own statements

"His
behavior is absolutely unacceptable. RTA apologizes to our customers
for this incident."

I am glad it is
the bus service that is holding to the professional and decent line
(as usually is the case with black folks who don’t know what is
decent), while black folks continue to argue about how she put hands
on him first! (some of you might like to 'restudy' the video again
and see if you can understand why the bus company took the line it
did)

A significant
number of people dwelling in black milieus have lost touch with
decency and it is taking external people to reinforce and reimpose
the idea and state of decency where black people congregate. Living
in the black milieus can be deduced to lead to distortion of what is wrong and right
and what is decent.

But the saddest
thing in all this is that it is clear that even some who profess BWE,
and BWE proponents have also lost touch with decency.

However will you
find it?

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Friday, October 12, 2012

In
a recent newspaper article a well-known black politician stated
categorically that absent black fathers were the major reason behind
knife and gang crime in the UK.

This
is no news to any BWE proponent I am sure, even as we watch other
folk struggle to be politically correct about it all, laying the
blame at the door of slavery, poverty, government and what have you.
Indeed this black politician comes from the Labour party (democrat
equivalent) where you kind of, don’t say such things. However he
decided to break with protocol. You could almost feel from his words,
the frustration with the situation, how that things had gotten to
such a head that it couldn’t be covered over any longer and he just
had to speak the truth as he saw it. Of course the white media, tried
to contain the message and water it down by injecting exceptions and
humour etc, I guess as they are required to do by journalistic
protocols these days!

Now
the fact that this was a black politician even from the left, making
this kind of assertion, is not really the big deal for me, instead
two or should I say three other things from the back story grabbed
me.

One
is that he said he had sat with countless single mothers in the black
community who were desperate for black fathers to participate in the
lives of their sons, the second was that he was the son of a single
mother himself and maybe I should add that he himself is married
interracially.

Of
recent I have been writing about how certain incidents have served to
illuminate many of the core concepts we have been preaching with BWE,
concepts that to even me have sometimes seemed purely theoretical,
well this was another of those instances.

As
I pictured this room full of single mothers (standing room only
perhaps), imploring for this black man politician (this symbol of
black manhood and a black person who would thus care about their
situation) to do something- who knows what- on their behalf, maybe
find a political wand that would magically make these men come back
into their son's lives, it came home to me strongly, how black women
make their own way hard.

Instead
of taking easy steps to avoid getting into the situation in the first
place, these women prefer to trust that some kind of magic will come
to the rescue in the end, some kind of undiscovered, unexplored
solution would somehow come into view and make things alright!
Someone once made a snide comment about the fact that 'Black women
are looking to government but government cannot find you a husband',
once on a BWE blog and I know it came from a hateful place so was
dismissed, but there is a load of sense in that statement.

The
situation with these single mothers is no unpredictable accident, for
the most parts, these women choose men who they knew and had seen,
display a lack family values. Such women also get pregnant under
conditions that have a 70:30 chance of landing them in
single-parenthood. They can see and observe this to be the case all
day and everyday so it's not like they didn’t see what was ahead or
where taking by surprise at how it all panned out (as is the
impression about mothers ending up alone). Some of these men have
even had offspring with their friends and acquaintances and so they
know what is likely, despite the crocodile tears they shed later.

Lets
look at this lifestyle of having an option not to get into a
predicament, yet deciding to do that which will clearly land you in
the bad situation. Lets look at a lifestyle of expecting to be bailed
out somehow, by the system, by government or by God etc even as you
make decisions that are leading you into a place of problems. Apart
from anything else, this is an amazingly inefficient way to conduct
one's affairs. In today's parlance it would be termed purely
'unsustainable' and unacceptable in an age when as humans we have a
moral obligation to conserve and live reasonably and sensibly with
our resources, if not for anything, for the continuation of our very
planet. Such a lifestyle if it was the model for an organisational,
business etc, would lead to the catastrophic failure of the company
and the loss of jobs. Think about that.

Think
about the whole idea of asking a politician to somehow solve
something outside the realm of human capabilities as in bringing back
men (who very likely where never committed to the offspring or mother
to start off with), into a family unity. Even if it could be managed
by some wonderful alchemy, think of how much time, effort, resources
would have to go into any kind of solution which will never be ideal,
and then imagine how easy it is and would be for any black women to
just opt out of getting into such a predicament in the first place.

In
any case, I doubt even angel Gabriel could manage to do something for
the situation of these women let a lone a singular black politician.
This is the place where personal responsibility is the only solution
or should I say personal common sense.

Think
about how very straightforward it is to avoid having to end up in
this situation with men who don’t participate in their children's
lives. We are talking about marriage here, about not trusting just a
word of promise (especially uttered in the heat of passion), one that
is not immediately backed up with an offer of commitment.

Healthy
Distrust

When
you look at the mental set that leaves black women in this
single-parenthood predicament (excluding rape, and abuse of under-age
black girls), you will notice a couple of things:

One
is that they know and expect the single parent state will come to
pass for them at some point. In other words they don’t resist it
but continue down the road when it opens up for them. For black
women, single parenthood has become a culture therefore it should not
be framed, even tackled as an issue of mishap, mistake or naivete.
Black women need to be looked square in the eye and asked, 'Are you
simply deciding to go down the road of single parenthood as a way of
life?'

I
see it all around me, at the right age range say 16-21, boys set up
girls to be single-mothers and it follows like clock work to plan. It
happens too frequently now for it to be couched as a mistake or
something that just happens there is on a level an acceptance even an
embrace of single motherhood.

Secondly
for some black women who claim to have been fooled (a small
percentage), by the whole situation and scheming of black men who
they gave a 'brothers trust', it appears these women are relating to
black men with trust that is unwarranted given the track records of
black men.

If
you had a business partner that repeatedly breached contracts (be
they gentlemen’s agreements or signed legal documents), at some
point you would learn to put into place safeguards, and the right
protection whenever you had to deal with them. It appears black women
by being so 'fooled' over and over and despite all the backlog of
experience to teach them otherwise have not learnt to deal with black
men and their repeated betrayal the way that is required and as any
sensible being would after repeated disappointment. Which points
again to them accepting black men's unreliability on some level, and
eschewing a healthy distrust of black men, that would natural evolve
in black women's attitudes due to the current state of play between
black men and women.

I
repeat that very few people would continue to deal with a repeated
contract breaker

without
adjusting to the fact that they have proved repeatedly unreliable and
thus covering themselves legally or otherwise. I am well aware that
many black community agents are acting to squelch this naturally
evolving and self protecting distrust in interracting with black men,
by branding it invalid or self-hate.

Substitutions

There
is another thing here and that is that there are and continue to be
in our modern society, substitutes for the participation of black men
as fathers in their children's lives (welfare, other black women
etc), and as long these 'stand ins' remain, the option to choose to
be irresponsible and unsustainable in approach will continue
to be taken up by a significant number of black women (even while
covering themselves with the excuse that 'I was tricked', 'I was
fooled'). In other words the motivation to act wisely is just not
there currently for who whole host of black women because of the
safety nets in place.

Which
brings me to the conclusion that, I suppose one of the good things
about our tight economic situations is that people are beginning to
understand the hard way, how to organise themselves and their
situations to be 'efficient' and sensible. The rationale for personal
responsibility and common sense is being so effortlessly made as we
get squeezed financially and cuts to all sorts of safety nets are
being implemented. When there are no more government programs to
stand-in for a participating husband and father, many black women
curiously become wise!

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Thursday, October 04, 2012

As an individual
there will be areas in your life that will require you spending real
money and effort to build up, while other aspects will come naturally
to you.You might have to
spend loads of money to train yourself on public speaking for
instance, yet your friend might be a natural in public speaking, she
has never had a moment of stage freight and cant understand why
people have nerves or cant sleep well a night before any
presentation. I
certainly know that I have spent loads of money looking for the right
formula for weight loss for me (because it is indeed about finding
the right formula that works for you from the thousands of methods
that are out there-thanks Cher for being willing to share your weight
loss surgery experience with us).

I
think it is of vital importance to know that you will have to spend
your money for self improvement in certain areas of life and not
others. It is important not to be resentful of the fact that your
friend doesn’t need a personal trainer when you require two (as
well as a dietician) for instance. It is easy to fall into resentment
and bitterness about the fact that you have to do loads of work in
certain areas when others don’t seem to have the same problems and
the same demands on their money. I think it would be a big mistake to
resent the situation. For one you never know what their struggles
are.

The
best approach is to get on with what you know you need to do to take
your life forward, pushing back the thoughts of 'Why do I have to do
XYZ when Annabel doesn’t have struggles in this area'. Embrace the
fact that your own life and who you are determines that in these
areas you will need to work hard and spend towards the outcome you
desire.

Some
black women are not going to meet their 'prince' while walking down
the streets of Harlem or where have you. Some of you will have to pay
for a subscription online with a matchmaker for instance, which could
set you back thousands of dollars. The question is, do you want it
bad enough to do whatever it takes to get your dream, your desired
goal. Its not about measuring your life against that of others or
saying, 'If she got him going to church then why do I have to make
extra efforts'.

Your
dream is not cheap and neither should you be. If it takes buying
resources do it! And don’t be waiting for a windfall, for sales or
hoping that you may not need the resource like if you pray real hard.
There are problems you could have had wrapped up last year but you
were being too cheap and now two years later you are still with the
problem.

Some
of you might need to shell out the money for gastric band surgery. If
you have researched and done your due diligence and realized it
represents the most effective way for you, then why not be brave and
do it, get back your life/start living instead of hoping for some
other miracle and putting life on hold not to talk of damaging your
health the longer you stay within an unhealthy weight range.

Sure
you may sign up for a matchmaker and then subsequently meet Mr Right
at the Farmer's market the next day, that still isn’t enough reason
not to take out a subscription. I would still be very proud of myself
for making the effort even if it worked out some other way. There is
also the issue of time. Take the weight loss issue for instance, a
personal trainer might get you to your goal faster (and quite
possibly keep you on track as opposed to you yoyoing), which means
you can get on living the life you want 6 months -1 year earlier than
if you took other options. Many folk do not factor in the cost of
time lost. Getting you to your goal faster can be the difference
between having or loosing the opportunity to have children for
instance.

Think
carefully about the things you want to achieve and the resources
needed and don’t delay in spending the time money and the effort.
And do it Now!

Black
school boys are out of hand!

I
am constantly coming across black boys of school age manhandling
black school girls, in such a way that if they were older, the police
would be called on them! What the heck is going on. The other day a
black boy knocked a fellow school girl to the ground in what started
as a sort of play fight on the way home, he suddenly injected real
viciousness into an innocent enough play fight. It appears the
hatred of the black female is now finding root in black boys at a
very young age.

I
see white boys play fight with white girls all the time, twisting
their arms or pulling their hair but it is never done to the point
where the girl is really hurt or bruised, you can actually see how
they are preventing any kind of bruising in their hold. Not so with
black boys who play fight with black girls with such vehemence that
it becomes something else. Maybe some of you mothers need to tell
your daughters to avoid black boys outright because some demonic
epidemic of black female hatred is sweeping the masses of black boys.

On
another day, an idiot black man besides me on the bus, admitted that
his son had told him directly that he likes punching girls (read:
black girls because these are the only type of girls he will be able
to get away with punching). He admitted it to a school age black girl
and said it so matter of factly like it was no big deal and he didn’t
even say that he countered the idiocy in anyway. In a cinema queue a
few days later another black boy openly and while looking to catch my
eye also professed finding pleasure in hitting women to the black
girl who he had come with.

And
let a black girl even tap a black boy lightly even in a playful
manner, and that becomes a reason to viciously beat her down because,
'she hit me first'.

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About Me, About the Blog

Hi I am Halima AndersonI am an author with a passion for the relationship 'well-being' of black women, hence the writing of the book, "Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...? It is important for me to specify that this blog is for women who are new to interracial dating or who still have struggles with the idea and want to see if it is a thing for them. This category of black women will be my primary focus!If you are already in an IR or are open to the idea, I wish you good luck!

Email: something2say(at)gmail(dot)com

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