Archive for October 2011

CONCORD, N.H. – In a move largely praised by conservative commentators, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann fired the last of her campaign staff and bought an iPhone 4S.

“She really needed to shake things up internally. Her staff was holding her back by offering their time, hard work and common sense approaches in the midst of a up-hill campaign. In other words, it was business as usual,” said Nancy Greghill founder of Hold-On a conservative think-tank.

What Bachmann loses in human capital supporters say she easily recovers in technological advantage. Bachmann’s new iPhone comes with “Siri”, a personal assistant application, which insiders say will probably take over day-to-day campaign advisory duties.

During a Sunday night gathering with several New Hampshire Bachmann supporters, Greghill unveiled her own iPhone to demonstrate Siri’s profound reasoning abilities.

“Siri, should we defund the United Nations?” Greghill asked loudly for all to hear.

“One moment. Checking my sources. Here’s some background information on the United Nations,” Siri responded, pulling up the United Nations Wikipedia page to cheers and rapturous applause.

As a follow up, Greghill asked Siri what policies Bachmann could support to best connect with Latino voters. After checking its sources, Siri came up with some highly rated, yet reasonably priced, restaurants in the area that served enchiladas.

“What makes Siri so brilliant are the things it doesn’t say,” Craighill said later.

“Like any good political adviser, Siri makes one stop and consider the deeper connections behind certain issues. I think Michele Bachmann will be well served by having Siri in her camp,” she said.

BORING, OR – Owners of a small convenience store are seeking assistance after a tiny, life-like Wal-Mart commenced operations in their building last week.

“It just popped up overnight next to the Hostess Cupcakes,” said Scott Brownstone, owner of the life-size store.

The store’s opening has also attracted the attention of many nearby residents, who now frequent Brownstone’s store, if only to shop at the minuscule Wal-Mart.

“There used to be a steady stream of loyal customers buying my goods. Now they come in only to see what they can purchase at the tiny Wal-Mart,” Brownstone said.

Brownstone stated he’s frustrated with the number of people crawling on his floor to get a better look inside the store.

“Men and women on all fours, some in their Sunday best, straining to reach for microscopic flat screen televisions is not a sight I look forward to seeing,” Brownstone said.

Brownstone has filed a trespassing complaint with the city of Boring (pop. 5,600), but some residents don’t see what the fuss is about.

“No law has been broken. It’s just free-enterprise at work,” said Michael Hayfield, a local attorney and a self-described loner. “Most people are aware of macroeconomics. Well, this is ‘iota-economics’. It’s really small, sort of like my prospects of building meaningful, long-lasting relationships.”

The manager of the tiny Wal-Mart, Vernon Thumb, a three-inch-tall man, with a barrel chest, flowing brown beard and a shrill voice, said the store is here to stay.

“We are providing jobs for undeserved Elf-American and Gnome-American citizens in the community,” Thumb said.

Thumb refused to comment on whether his store provided employees with medical benefits or a friendly work environment, but insisted its practices were in accord with National Elf-Gnome Labor Relations Act of 1956.

City officials have yet to respond to Brownstone’s original complaint, but expect to do so after the next election.

In the meantime Brownstone can only watch and wait.

“How can I compete with a store that’s selling half-inch salmon fillets for a penny? I’ll answer my own question. I can’t,” he said dejectedly.

Ms. Trump is spearheading a citywide campaign to save what she regards as the city’s historical legacy: its dozens of gaping potholes.

“See that one over there?” Ms. Trump asks waving a bony finger at a four foot wide crater on Elm Street. “It dates back to the week Jimmy Carter freed those hostages.” One block over we survey a “six-incher” into which a unnamed candidate for governor spit gum during a failed election bid in 1996. The gum is long gone but the memory remains.

Local chatter by patrons at Grey’s General Store overflows with pride for their prodigious holes. “I’ve got two of ’em on my street. If anyone tried to fill ’em I’d introduce their forehead to my cast iron skillet,” says ninety-eight-year-old Garvin Goafer. Others show framed photos of family gathering around their favorite pots.

Ellen Garvey honeymooned next to an eight-foot behemoth in 1955. “We setup a canvas tent in the middle of the street and went fishing when the pothole filled with rainwater,” Mrs. Garvey said with misty eyes. She still has the pictures and the husband to show for it.

Over at City Hall mayor Johnson Clydsworth is resolute. “The county has begged us for years to fill these holes. But I keep telling them to stick a sock in theirs,” Clydsworth said. He said the history alone makes them worth preserving.

Like this:

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Authorities said Daniel H. McQueen, age unknown, has been holed up in a Wall Street water closet for an indeterminate length of time. Mr. McQueen, who had been protesting abuses by Wall Street elites appears to be shifting his focus toward more immediate concerns.

“Daniel ate jumbo shrimp which had been left out at room temperature for about a week,” said Gail Irvins, 65 who witnessed Mr. McQueen running frantically toward a nearby restroom. “Our guess is a mild food poisoning may be a contributing factor.”

A small group of stock traders had assembled earlier today protesting Mr. McQueen’s blatant misuse of a public facility. “We demand the self-entitled one-percent not monopolize a latrine owned by the remaining ninety-nine,” said white-collar worker Steve Barlentine as he pounded his fist angrily on the bathroom door.

Mr. McQueen has responded only with faint groans and hushed statements of personal regret.