Friday, July 10, 2015

After some number of years on the Nuvaring, I decided to change my birth control. This will disappoint many as the Nuvaring has been a critical part of my stand up act. People love hearing about my Nuvaring, you guys. One comic even said he'd like to chew on it. Please note: Nuvarings are NOT CHEWABLE. That is very important.

It's not that I didn't like the Nuvaring; it's just that having to think about birth control even only once a month is very difficult for a disorganized mess like me. So, I decided to get an IUD.

Maybe you're thinking, Why is she talking about her birth control on the internet ? Or, more likely, Why does she even need to be on birth control - doesn't she have a cat?

These are reasonable questions. I only have an answer to the first.

Before getting my IUD, I stupidly decided to do some "research" on the internet, which sent me on a downward emotional spiral. I literally cried in the shower before my appointment, terrified that I was going to die that day, spread-eagle in the stirrups at my gynecologist.

Spoiler alert: I did not die. But what a way to go, right?!

Anyway, the reason I'm talking about my birth control on the internet is because I hope that some anxiety-ridden girl, scouring the web at 1:30 am, will find this post and know that at least one person had a positive experience.

The worst part about getting an IUD was the panic I felt while reading about it on the internet.

I'm not going to tell you it was painless. But I am going to tell you that the procedure lasts approximately 35 seconds. Just breathe and say to yourself, "I HAVE A UTERUS OF STEEL," and you'll be fine.

Then, go out and get yourself some ibuprofen and a sleeve of Reese's peanut butter cups. Eat the whole sleeve. Take a nap. Enjoy your 5 years of sterilization*.

#ThanksObama

*Disclaimer: IUDs do not actually cause sterilization. For more information about IUDs, please consult the internet...