I’ll have another bag of sand, please, with an extra dollop of cream on top

The most recent South Bay cycling kerfluffle and 24/7 Facebag drama was a beaut. The facts, such as they weren’t, went something like this: Gimme Mah Trinket, a super fast live-to-ride badass MTB racer showed up at the Third Annual Fredfest and Dorkathon Cross Country Bicycle Race in Scratchypits, CA. Having won the Leadville-qualifying Barburner, and having completed Leadville itself once and sort-of-but-perhaps-not-really completed it a second time, Gimme signed up for the beginners’ Cuddly Puppy Division race.

It was a full cuddly puppy field with six or seven riders, all of whom except for Gimme were excited to be racing their first ever, or second ever, or whatever MTB cross country race. Now I must insert here that I didn’t even know that you raced cross country on a bicycle. I thought cross country was a kind of foot race, so when I was told that the controversy occurred at a cycling cross country race my first reaction was “Fugg’ yeah, I bet those runners were sure pissed at getting beat by the bikers. I would be, too.”

But not.

The cuddly puppies lined up with battle-hardened, steely legged Gimme Mah Trinket and got devoured. How badly did they get devoured? Gimme stomped their dicks by seven minutes. She finished so far ahead of the puppies that race officials temporarily lost contact with her ACARS.

The cuddlies struggled in across the line, puppy butts covered in dirt and briars and brambles and sweat and gel packs that had exploded in their jerseys and drizzled down into their buttcracks. And they did what puppies do when they get their noses rubbed in their own shit. They whined. And the whine they whined was the greatest, most famous, most oft-repeated complaint ever made anywhere by any wanker in the history of the USCF: Gimme Mah Trinket is a SANDBAGGER!

Gimme didn’t really care. Her license listed her as a Cuddly Puppy despite being one of the strongest South Bay women on the road and in the dirt, she’d raced her category, and most importantly, she got her trinket. It was a beautiful, hand-carved, antique, hand-decorated water bottle from 1998 made during the Chee’ Pass Dynasty in China. Then she went to the official and upgraded to a Cat 1. Apparently you can go from a Cat 3 to a Cat 1 in MTB just by saying, “Gimme a one, please.”

Who knew?

Let the wailing begin

The cuddly puppies were outraged. They’d trained hard. They’d committed millions of dollars to this fine sport. They’d hired a coach, given up smoking meth, and told all their friends at work that they were going to do a “bicycle race.” How unfair that a pro, a superstar, a hard woman, a ruthless, toothy, shark-blooded killer with a zillion miles under her belt would sandbag the Cuddly Puppy division? At the Scratchypits race, no less! The outrage!

A measure of just how much of a beginners race it was bubbled to the surface merely by airing the “Sandbagger!” complaint. If USA Cycling were a book with a subtitle, it would be this: “USA Cycling: Sandbagging for Fun and Trinkets.”

The whole purpose of categories is to allow for organized sandbagging. If bikers wanted a real bike race, here’s how it would be run:

This would result in a genuine bike race with genuine results. The winner could say, “I was the best racer that day.” The down side is that races would have only thirty or forty riders, all of them would be in their late 20’s, and the same three people would win every single race. In other words, hardly anyone would get a trinket. The bigger down side is that USA Cycling and the various race promoters wouldn’t be able to promote races, because with entry fees from thirty riders you can’t cordon off a street, supply ambulances, promote the event, and hire a couple of cheap plywood boxes for a podium.

This is why cycling has zillions of categories, groupings, rankings, and divisions, so that no matter how weak, feeble, inexperienced, or strategically stupid you are, there is “some” chance that you’ll get a trinket. Trinkets get spread more democratically, race promoters get paid, and USA Cycling gets to send out another surly, obese, ill-tempered official to scream at you on a motorcycle.

Think of race categories for what they really are: Affirmative action for the weak, slow, and stupid. Without cycling’s affirmative action program, 99.999% of all racers would never experience the thrill of getting a $20 prime, or enjoy the glory of standing on a plywood box in the blazing sun, or posting their “results” on Facebag. Our society would be poorer as a result. Moreover, at least in the SoCal crit scene, without affirmative action no white people would ever win anything, and we can’t have that.

Do you really want a bike race?

The Scratchypits kerfluffle, if anything, proved that trinket racing really works, and it’s not the first time that a veteran sandbagger has been booted upstairs to a harder division due to whining cuddlies. The most famous sandbagging case in SoCal history was the Great Prez SoCal Cup Upgrade and Meltdown, where our hero sandbagged as a Cat 3 for several years. Just as he was on the cusp of winning the SoCal Cat 3 Cup, some cuddly puppy’s angry mom complained to the refs. “Prez is a sandbagger! Little Pookums can’t win anything! Upgrade him!”

Prez got force upgraded, and so emotionally destroyed that the trinket was so rudely snatched away despite being within inches of his sweaty grasp, that he dropped out of racing for an entire year. Worse, now that’s he’s back as a Cat 2, he is forced to race with the 35+ Masters division, the biggest category of sandbaggers in the entire sport. These are the guys who are for the most part Cat 1’s, Cat 2’s, and ex-pros, but who’d rather win most of the time than lose all of the time. However, unlike the Cat 3 races, riders like Prez go from winning sandbagger to pack meat, as it’s often difficult to finish and impossible to win. No more trinkets for Prez.

G$ tells a similar story about his own history of sandbagging. “When I was a Cat 3, I never wanted to upgrade. But after winning four out of sixty races, they force upgraded me. Some junior’s mom complained and said me and Roadchamp were dominating everything. Boom. Cuddly puppy upgrade. But I was like, dude, I’m forty years old. How’m I gonna race with the Cat 2’s? Their road races are a hundred miles long. I have a job, sort of. But they upgraded me anyway.”

G$ went on to collect plenty of trinkets, but only as a masters sandbagger. In sum, the category system is there for you to sandbag. You pick the race you think you have the best chance of winning, and the race you can most likely win is always the one against the weakest field. The weakest field is always the oldest or the slowest or the least experienced category. This is how trinkets are won, how juice boxes are collected, and how well-practiced podium poses are executed for the three adoring fans.

Any other system would result in a bike race, and no one in their right mind wants one of those.

Least of all the cuddly puppies.

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§ 46 Responses to I’ll have another bag of sand, please, with an extra dollop of cream on top

Yeah, there’s a category for everyone except women, who often race in combined fields and rarely have masters races except at district or national championships. Try being a 40- or 50- or 60-year old newbie. The female cuddly puppies have a legit reason to whine.

I definitely prefer doing the old guy races with the sandbaggers. They don’t crash nearly as often, and when they do, they only take out 1 rider instead of the 10 that would get caught up in it in a category where I would finish up front.

It’s pretty much mathematically impossible to win the SoCal Cup as a Cat 4 or Cat 3 without sandbagging. If you’ve piled up enough points to sit atop the SoCal Cup leaderboard, then you’ve accumulated enough USAC points where, according to the rules, you must force upgrade.

I went motorpacing in ’82 (Honda Hawk 400 w/roller), greatly increased my fitness, as a former pack-fodder-four. Won St. Louis, Sterling IL Cat. IV races in 1982. Those were my only *two* top-three finishes that year– in the era of “3 finishes in the top three, 6 in the top 6″ –earned– upgrades (not that stinky “by merit” stuff– i.e., puking, mewling etc. with a district rep because you don’t like racing in your true peer group for some reason). Got my new license in early 1983, and I was a Cat III. Totally fair, if unexpected, and yeah, as a 32-33 year-old Cat IV racing against The Children, I was and still am proud that I smoked those IV’s so bad that The High Sheriff wouldn’t let me race against them anymore!

Call it “Unsolicited Upgrade” if you want .

And yeah, I’ve been beaten by some of the best, which is another point of honor.

Pro woman roadie enters Sea Otter sport class, that’s what is was called early 2002/2003, and destroys, explodes, detonates and humiliates the entire field of C Pups.
Why? She’d never raced a mountain bike before.
Outcome? Stink eyed to death for the rest of her life.
My personal story- whenever I got accused of sand bagging, I’d come in last in my next race. Usually not on purpose though. Everyone is going to have a different opinion on this. Yours is one opinion. Truth is, women’s classes are different aka small. How I loved racing against Suzanne Sonye and Dotsie Bausch. Not. Good read. I had to get my coffee and get ready for this one. People…if you have a gripe about someone that everyone knows, don’t post that shit on FB. It’s rude, mean and classless. In My unhumble Opinion.

Six riders is what USAC is calling a race these days? Is anyone surprised customers at a USAC event leave p!ssed off? They produce a terrible product. USAC provides structure for an athletic event and paying customers leave dissatisfied.

Yet, plenty of other kinds of timed athletic events where sandbaggers exist and the customer has a good time. Enduros, long-distance mtb, etc.

Affirmative action for the weak, slow, and stupid. Except it’s not because someone 99.9% of the time sandbags the pups.

IMHO, it makes the event look better on paper. Human optimism kicks in, money is spent on race fees, and then the baby seals are clubbed on race day.

LOL….Come on Seth…Good hit below the belt. I can always use the fuel. This is my first real year of racing 35+ and as you know, I get to race for what is now the BEST TEAM IN GALAXY or is that SPY?. In regards to Trinkets, your right….three 10th places and a 5th place finish right behind Kayle Leogrande who took 4th thus far. Its just a matter of time until I get my Trinket by roll for now is not to be grabbing trinkets. I do realize that is a mindset for the weakminded. The only trinket I wanted that year as a cat 3 racer was that SoCal Cup Jersey. BTW…how is your Masters 45+ and Cat 3 racing going with SPY.

Contrast with running events. Couple hundred people show up. Everyone takes home a t-shirt and a shiny trinket. Pretty much one within 50 miles every damn weekend. But I hate running, it’s like watching your child get hooked on crack (TM – Wankmeister). Good thing I don’t give a rat’s ass about decorative trinkets.

Instead of paying a race entry fee, buy a new set of derailleur pulleys or a chain. Those look like trinkets, and have the added advantage of making your bike work better (assuming you’ve ridden the crap out of your existing ones). Award them to yourself when you set a new PR up the Switchbacks on Strava or maybe just for getting your ass out of bed at 5:15 on Saturday and Sunday morning so you can ride before your children wake up. It’s way easier (and cheaper!) to collect trinkets this way.

If you require validation from someone else, have your SO dress up and hand you the trinket. Or look your friends who spend their lives on the couch and realized you can utterly crush 99% of the people you know at some physical activity. Or post a picture on Facebook showing your massive weight-loss.

Or just ride and/or race because it’s fun. Even if it’s not, it’s a hell of a lot more fun than just watching your body atrophy and die.

i always wanted to be a pro athlete…as a kid when my Dad took me to any KC Royals game, i’d bring my hat, and glove…in case a guy got hurt out there and they “needed another guy”…(i was a very realistic child) Later in the college days, i was told by a D2 recruiter, that in division 2, i could be a big fish in a small pond…but if i wanted to run in D1, i’d have to “swim” in the BIG pond with a bunch of BIG fish. When he said it like that…it made me really think, “who wouldn’t want to see how they measure in the BIG pond???” So off to D1 i went, and after 4 years, i finally had to come to the conclusion that not only was i not good enough to make an Olympic trial(s)…but, even if i did, there was no professional future for a middle distance runner…Then, i played pick-up basketball twice a week for years…most of the guys had played in H.S., very few had played in college…all were good…i mean at least for basketball played in a park…
after a great drive, shot or defensive stop, guys all thought that if their life had been just a little different, they might have made it as a pro ball player….so delusional…i felt that way too some days…hahaha…ONE day (Lakers) Anthony Peeler stopped by to play…he was fresh out of the University of Missouri, where he dominated…
All the best and fastest guys were at the court that day…and man, this was their chance to see how they stacked up against against a real pro.
As you might have suspected, he was 10 times better and faster than anyone out there…best way for me to describe his movements is to say he simply melted thru us…like we weren’t even there…he shot from EVERYwhere on the court, including one jumper from over half court.
I know i’m droning on…but, at 52, i still just wanna feel like a pro…and for a few fleeting moments, winning a race in the “leaky prostate category” really is fun. Dog bless that delusion. I’m going to sandbag for the rest of my life, and i’m going to enjoy it.

I don’t really see how you can be a sandbagger in an age category, I think the only real issue there is doping. I do think that there is a problem with Cat 3-5 racers sandbagging though. When I came up through the ranks I would not have worn a Cat 3 or Cat 4 championship jersey (closest I came was 2nd to G$ in the Cat 3 TT in 2000, phew, avoided that moral dilemma!) because the people I rode with would rightly ridicule me for wearing the jersey of the chief sandbagger. I used to believe that it was silly to even have category championship races, but now I recognize that it’s good to give someone that interim goal and keeps people racing more, but a win in a championship race should bring about a thorough examination of the rider’s palmares. A cat 3 with 40 points is really by definition no longer a cat 3, so then it’s not even sandbagging, it’s really cheating. Let’s call it “point doping.” Down with point doping! It’s a lot easier and cheaper to police than real doping.

How stupid do you think our socal community is? You think by making light of the sandbaggers it will deflect from the real issues of thievery and unsportsmanlike conduct????
Sandbagging is the least of Lauren Mulwitz’s worries. Lauren was caught by many many people at Leadville CHEATING, not sandbagging. Of the 1500 who raced, only 2 people had gaps in their timing chips. Only 1 was DSQ- Lauren. For cutting the course. More and more people have come forward to recount stories of her mysteriously passing them, twice, at this year’s AND prior years of Leadvillle- on an out and back course. Impossible. Unless you cheated. She has been accused by so many people of cheating at other races, including Wildflower triathlon- oh but her Garmin wasn’t working so there’s no way to dispute the timing chip error… Rather- sandbagging her umpteenth mtb race you make light of???? Go ahead! The post that spurred this blog from you mentions her sandbagging as a DROP IN THE BUCKET. YOU decided to use it to throw people off topic. How very lawyerly of you.
The entire post was written initially because Someone “erroneously” posted Lauren’s “rocking bonelli” bragging to the Big Orange group email that she rocked the cat 2 race. At least own up to racing as a beginner and sandbagging. Just own it. Even if USAC posted the category incorrectly, they quickly rectified this- why on earth Liebert would have intentionally posted an incorrect result is questionable at best and deceptive to his Big O audience who take him at his word. But moving on to the real issues…

STEALING and THIEVERY has no place in our cycling community or any for that matter. Why has no one spoken up or reported Lauren?? Two reasons. 1) her boyfriend 2) YOU. People don’t want to ruffle any feathers, or fear being mocked and lambasted by YOU. You have single- handedly managed to defame the entire sport of mountain biking, the innocent beginner racers who want nothing more than a level playing field, and the few and scarce women whom you have done a horrible disservice to by making fun of them and their smaller fields. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You are a pox on the cycling community as it stands. People who had bike tools, bike tires, money from their dashboard, over hundreds of dollars STOLEN from Lauren have remained quiet because they either had misguided attempts to save Greg Liebert the shame, either thought they were the only one to have such a “bizarre” run in with her, or are petrified of being hazed by you in your blog or worse off being misrepresented in one of your rants and shunned from their cycling community and friends.

Mountain bike racing is nothing like road. That is why the fields are small.There is no hiding in the peloton, no leadouts by your team, no fat sprinters sitting in, no genetic freak climbers crushing the roadies- You have to be strong, prepared to risk crashing your face into rocks, technically skilled, fit enough to climb with the best of them but also bomb the descents even faster, prepared to suffer, alone, time trialing in pain. Fitness in mtb gets you nowhere, fast. Just ask one of our best local pro roadies how he did at last weekend’s mtb race. He got pulled, because the pros were going to lap him, quickly. He can sprint, climb, dirt and road. But mtb is a whole other animal which you clearly know nothing about and yet you find humor in ridiculing it.
Mountain biking is a sport largely based upon the Honor system. Honor.
Something that you, your buddy, and especially Lauren know nothing about.

I don’t think for a second that you truly consider Seth a pox on the cycling community. Your reaction seems more of someone who feels hurt, angry or perhaps simply disappointed that Seth did not take the opportunity to weigh in on The Incidents in his blog but instead chose more humorous subject matter by focusing on sandbagging (though admittedly, the behavior of Prez should never be forgotten and he should be publicly shamed and ridiculed until he makes it into the 60+ fields – I think we can all agree on that).

Seth has a big voice (not just in person and not just in person after he’s had a few beers) and I suspect you were hoping that he would tackle The Incidents head-on and that his blog would be a catalyst to a resolution of The Incidents, with the community once and for all collectively agreeing on the narrative, with appropriate consequences to follow. I get it.

But this is Seth’s blog. His personal blog. He decides what he wants to write about. In the process, he has been as open and honest with us as we could ever expect him to be – no, more than we could have every expected him to be. Personal failings, abject disappointments, the suicide of a brother – heart-wrenching writings, uplifting writings that remind us why riding a bike is so special… all mixed in with silly little anecdotes and sometimes hard-hitting investigative journalism like the Prez sandbagging expose – these are not the writings of a pox, these are the writings of a tribune and someone who gives back more to this community than almost anyone you can name.

Do you think Seth feels conflicted in all this, given his personal love and affection for G$? Of course he does. And he’s not the only one. I think what you and the community are looking for is some kind of resolution of The Incidents, accountability (whatever that means)… closure. But Seth isn’t the one in a position to give that to you Sandy. Sorry, but he just isn’t.

I had a hard time getting my sides not too hurt after laughing uproariously at your post (and especially the letters) regarding the whole Bonelli thing.

Comments–

1. This same shit has been going on for 40 years. I remember being made a 3 out of Juniors for 1973, and before I had even signed in to my first race in the summer of ’73 (in Norcal, no less, and I was a Socal junior in ’72 … how the fuck would they know or care about some army brat bike racer whose claim to fame was quitting West Point to help his brother avoid the draft), a whole squad of whiners wanted to know why I was a 3 and not a 2, because, blah, blah, blah. It was enough to make me puke. Got a call a week later from the district rep at the time, Bob Enright, who told me he ‘had’ to make me a 2. Great, so now I could enter road races with Ritchey, and Perry, and Vierra, and Boyer, and get my ass handed to me. Just Great. That was a warm welcome back to the West Coast.

Wait, I am laughing again … need to stop … sides hurt!

2. “Tempest in a Teapot” does not do justice in describing this situation … I mean … really? Who gives a flying F? And that gal (Sandy) who wrote you with the “true story” … “You think by making light of the sandbaggers it will deflect from the real issues of thievery and unsportsmanlike conduct????”

OMG! I wish I could plant a banner in front of her residence, which says … “Get a LIFE!!” x 10! A BIG banner!

Getting hooked into the curb by some Wanker “protecting his teammate” and ending up in the hospital is unsportsmanlike, when it comes to bike racing. “Thievery” … really? What politicians, the IRS, and the Military Industrial Complex do to us average Joes is thievery … sending 45k young Americans to die in Vietnam is ‘thievery’ … we are talking trinkets here. I got mugged in Cudahy in 1989 … couple of brothers pistol whipped me and took my watch and wallet, at 10 AM in front of the Kmart there … now THAT was thievery.

Sethy, you know how much I look forward to waking up each morning to read the crap that is spewed from your mouth. Because somehow I get a bit of pleasure knowing that someone as nice as you also has this crazy insane mind.

But in this case, you didn’t really address most of the key points of the “South Bay cycling kerfluffle” Facebook Post. The issue of “sandbagging” was the least of it, although it was what instigated that post. Kind of like, “the very last straw”…

I’d like to hear to hear your thoughts on the cheating, lying, and thievery (caught on video surveillance, no less!) of that same person who is also unquestionably a “sandbagger”. Along with all the corraborating personal stories and posts in agreement on the topic.

It’s truly an embarrassment to our cycling community. And even more so that so many people have kept quiet, turned a blind eye, and/or protected this person for so long. If anything, the general public should be protected and warned.

2. When someone is caught cheating in a bike race, he or she should be punished. Disqualification is a good punishment. Disembowelment and public lynching are not good punishment.

3. When someone steals from you, that person is probably not a good person to hang around with anymore, unless you don’t mind it.

4. If you believe that someone has committed a crime, you should report it to the police.

5. If you want someone punished for committing a crime, but that person has not been charged and convicted, then I oppose the punishment.

6. Everyone has to choose who they associate with. I can’t do it for them.

7. I’ve ridden with dopers, cheaters, liars, thieves, adulterers, wife-beaters, husband-abusers, ex-cons, white-collar criminals, and lots of other bad people. I’ve somehow come out fine, although almost none of them have ever become my close friends, except for one former felon. I missed the part in the Cyclist Application that included a background check. I generally assume that everyone’s got baggage. That’s because they do. Most of the time I prefer to ignore it.

8. Our riding community is tiny and no matter how much you hate someone, if they keep showing up on the ride you have to deal with them, ride safely, exchange greetings, and enjoy your ride. Ostracizing people who show up is not something I do or have ever done. The roads are free. My day is better when it starts with a happy ride.

9. I’m willing to forgive almost anything. People have stolen from me, cheated me, and lied to me countless times, and for the most part I’ve forgiven them. Many times I’ve forgiven them even when they deny all wrongdoing. Why? I’m too old to drag around the hate bag day in, day out. That’s a job for the young!

It’s hardly a “blind eye” and “keeping quiet” when accusations have been printed in various public places and when the rider has been DQ’ed from the race.

And yeah, cycling is so embarrassed by cheating that guys like Alberto Contador and Frank Schleck and David Millar have all been banned for life. Also, George Hincapie and Levi Leipheimer and Jonathan Vaughters have been banned from any involvement in the sport. Right?

In my “un-humble” opinion (trademark copyright) I’m not sure where this got so off track from the facts. Socal drama! Dude, I’m for sure no fan of MM after the whole sheisty Leadville incident, but i hope she doesn’t end up like Tammy Thomas… Cuz that chic, was a straight up man. Whoa. Don’t do it, its just not worth it! – former gansgta chic turned ski bum.