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Draco Malfoy

Hey! I have been having some big troubles with my description of Draco being OOC. I am writing a mystery story with Draco as the antagonist. I am hoping that someone will be able to point out the definite OOC-ness and make some suggestions on how to fix it!

Here is the passage that seems OOC. Thank you in advance!

“How could I?” Draco spat. “How could you think that I would marry someone as ugly as you? As if I could spend the rest of my life with someone as annoying as you, fat chance! Mother should have known better than to think that she could barter with my life. Especially for something as trivial as revenge against her sister?”

Harry raised his eyebrows at Draco’s tirade.

“I saw Pansy leave the compartment. I had a feeling she was up to something. She claimed that she was hungry, and that she was going to talk to the Trolley Witch about some treats.”

Harry motioned to everyone to remain quiet while Draco finished his explanation.

“After she left, I stunned Crabbe and Goyle. I left them in the compartment so it appeared that they were sleeping. I made my way to the bathroom, since it was located directly across from the Trolley Witch’s compartment. Silently, I crept up to the open sliding door. Pansy had forgotten to close it all the way, just like she did at Hogwarts. It was then that I overheard Mother, offering my life in exchange for her pitiful revenge.”

“I felt the rage that usually simmered deep inside me rise to the surface. I grabbed a pinch of Peruvian Instant Darkness powder and flung it into the compartment. I upended the trolley in my haste to get at Mother. The trolley must have tripped Mother, knocking her to the floor. I heard Pansy scuffling in the darkness. That must have been when she stepped on the robes. Pansy finally left, running like a scared little witch. I leapt at Mother, attempting to hit her for her betrayal. I tripped on one of the legs of the trolley. I landed in a pile of chocolate frogs, smearing that crap all over my hands.”

It was George that interrupted this time. “Don’t talk about chocolate frogs like that,” he warned. “They are the most fabulous treat ever invented.”

“When the darkness cleared, I saw that Mother was laughing at me. I became so enraged that I attacked her. I wrapped my hands around her throat and squeezed the life out of her.”

Draco hung his head for a moment before continuing.

“I feel to my knees when my task was done. My hand hit a small bottle of perfume that must have fallen from Pansy’s robes. I took some of the treats from the trolley, doused the room with her perfume, and returned to the compartment.”

“You deliberately tried to frame me,” Pansy accused.

“Yeah, I did,” Draco retorted. “So what?”

“You bastard,” she cried. “I can’t believe I helped you plot against Dumbledore. No wonder you couldn’t kill him. You’re just a whiny little brat. You’ve never done anything of importance in your life. You’ve failed at everything you’ve attempted…”

Draco’s furious voice interrupted her outburst. “Actually, my dear, I’ve accomplished two things in my life. I killed Mother and, I’ve succeeded in getting out of marrying you. You could say I killed two birds with one pair of hands.”

Draco laughed maniacally as Fred and George conjured ropes to hold him until they pulled into Kings Cross Station.

“How could I?” Draco spat. “How could you think that I would marry someone as ugly as you? As if I could spend the rest of my life with someone as annoying as you,

I seriously doubt Draco would ever say this to Pansy. Possibly, he would say it to Hermione if he were by some ill-begotten law forced into a marriage with her, but Pansy dotes on him and he soaks it up.

Originally Posted by khrys

"... fat chance!

This phrase, as well as "crap", "treats" and "squeezed the life out of her" are just not things I can see Draco saying.

You might want to think about getting a Brit-picker beta as well as a "regular" beta. They do not necessarily have to be the same person. However, those words strike me as middle-class American, rather than upper-class British.

Originally Posted by khrys

Mother should have known better than to think that she could barter with my life. Especially for something as trivial as revenge against her sister?”

*snip*

“I saw Pansy leave the compartment. I had a feeling she was up to something. She claimed that she was hungry, and that she was going to talk to the Trolley Witch about some treats.”

*snip*

“After she left, I stunned Crabbe and Goyle. I left them in the compartment so it appeared that they were sleeping. I made my way to the bathroom, since it was located directly across from the Trolley Witch’s compartment. Silently, I crept up to the open sliding door. Pansy had forgotten to close it all the way, just like she did at Hogwarts. It was then that I overheard Mother, offering my life in exchange for her pitiful revenge.”

*snip*

“I felt the rage that usually simmered deep inside me rise to the surface. I grabbed a pinch of Peruvian Instant Darkness powder and flung it into the compartment. I upended the trolley in my haste to get at Mother. The trolley must have tripped Mother, knocking her to the floor. I heard Pansy scuffling in the darkness. That must have been when she stepped on the robes. Pansy finally left, running like a scared little witch. I leapt at Mother, attempting to hit her for her betrayal. I tripped on one of the legs of the trolley. I landed in a pile of chocolate frogs, smearing that crap all over my hands.”

Had Draco just been given Veritaserum? He *never* states what he's done in this manner, and unless he's under Imperio or the influence of a potion, or took a *really* good whack to the head, I simply can't see him saying "the rage that usually simmered deep inside me", or any of the rest of it. He would not stun Crabbe & Goyle, largely because they appear to be too stupid to need to be stunned. He'd just tell them "stay here" and they'd nod sycophantically and mumble something like "uhm, ok boss". He would also not call Pansy a "scared little witch". And as much as he appears to worship his mother (he was willing to risk his own life for her), I doubt he'd attack her. And certainly not bodily.

Originally Posted by khrys

It was George that interrupted this time. “Don’t talk about chocolate frogs like that,” he warned. “They are the most fabulous treat ever invented.”

Having seen only a short excerpt of your fic, I'm entirely unsure what this passage has to do with anything? In this particular context, it's quite jarring.

Originally Posted by khrys

“When the darkness cleared, I saw that Mother was laughing at me. I became so enraged that I attacked her. I wrapped my hands around her throat and squeezed the life out of her.”

Narcissa would not laugh at Draco, unless he was going out of his way to make her laugh. Bellatrix might do it, but Narcissa wouldn't.

This seems more like an excerpt, and is more appropriate for the Excerpts of Murtlap forum here. You'll get a better understanding of how OOC Draco is there.
This forum is for posting your queries on canon characters, rather, and having members discuss it. GringottsVault711 said the following should go under this subforum:

Originally Posted by Jenna

Everything to do with Canon Characters -- meaning all Canon Character discussion threads, general characterisation discussions, Canon Character Pairing threads -- will be in the Canon Character forum.

I'm sorry. I'm a bit new to this. I need help with OOC-ness. The announcement under Canon Characters says that this is the place to discuss characterisation of a Canon Character.

CMWinters- Thank you so much for your helpful suggestions. I know that he wouldn't say those things normally. I was thinking along the lines that...maybe some backstory would be helpful, eh?

Draco kills his mother, sorry, it's part of the plot, and he has taken Polyjuice Potion to hide on the train. He is discovered, caught and his dastardly plot exposed. I was thinking that Harry could slip him something to ensure that he told the truth, but I wanted him to be so enraged with what happened that he just spilled his guts to the entire group.

He didn't want to marry Pansy, and he was furious at his mother for offering him as a prize if Pansy did her dirty work. I was thinking along the lines that while Draco enjoyed Pansy's simpering and doting, that he would never truly *want* to marry her.

I really need help with Draco's characterisation, not the excerpt itself. I just included that to help explain what I was working with. Although, I'm not sure that I'm working with much. I might need to scrap the ending and come up with something new entirely once I understand more about Draco himself. Help!

Okay, I'm going to act like a good little beta should here and help you with characterization.

Draco kills his mother, sorry, it's part of the plot...

I, personally, would have trouble believing this in a plotline. Even if he was threatened by Voldemort, or another Death Eater, I don't believe he'd kill her. Draco is very attached to his mother, as was proved in GOF and HBP. (Please check "Spinner's End" for references.) If this occured, I would assume Draco would help his mother escape and act as if he killed her. (Not entirely sure if this would work as Voldemort has some way of knowing everything but he seems like the type that would try.) I myself could only see Draco harming his mother if under the Imperious Curse.

...and he has taken Polyjuice Potion to hide on the train...

Hopefully this is set after fifth year because if it isn't, Draco wouldn't have learned how to make Polyjuice Potion. Unless his family owned a copy of "Moste Potent Potions."

...He is discovered, caught and his dastardly plot exposed...

How? Did the Polyjuice Potion wear off on the train, because unless this happened, or he was completely out of character for the student he'd impersonated I don't think he'd be caught. You have to remember that Draco isn't stupid, I'm sure he'd find a way to keep the student he impersonated from running in and blowing his cover.

...I was thinking that Harry could slip him something to ensure that he told the truth, but I wanted him to be so enraged with what happened that he just spilled his guts to the entire group...

How would Harry get a hold of such truth serum? I would think only professors and other adult wizards would be able to brew it. Unless Hermione did it for him of course, but why would he need it in the first place?

Since Draco is a very head-strong, stubborn young man, do you really think he'd just spill his story out in rage? I think he'd try to keep it quiet as long as possible. Harry and his friends would be hard-pressed to get THAT kind of secret out of him; especially since he's never given into peer pressure from them before. He just dishes it right back. I believe he'd do the same in this circumstance both to protect himself (as a Slytherin) and those he works for.

...He didn't want to marry Pansy, and he was furious at his mother for offering him as a prize if Pansy did her dirty work...

Ah. So this is the cause of Draco's murderous attitude? Well I suppose we have to look into Narcissa's character a bit then don't we? (If you want this to remain canon) If you've read "Spinner's End" then you'd know that Narcissa's character is developed a lot in that chapter. In that chapter she is described as a loving mother - with a few faults - who holds nothing but affection and love for her son. She goes to the person she trusts most to protect her son because she wants what's best for him - life. Does that sound like a mother who would sell her son as a prize for Pansy's bidding?

You also have to think about Draco as well. Being the strong, stubborn, pampered Slytherin he is, do you think he's sit back and let Pansy marry him? I believe he'd only settle to an arranged marriage if it was what Narcissa truly wanted and thought would be best for him. I also don't think he'd go down without a fight if he really loathed her.

...I was thinking along the lines that while Draco enjoyed Pansy's simpering and doting, that he would never truly *want* to marry her...

Good. I too think Draco would enjoy being the magnet of women's affection. And yet, he would keep his feet firmly planted to the ground about what he wants - without being too egotisical over it.

I also find this very hard to believe. Draco seems to highly regard if not love his mother. He becomes furious when Ron and Harry verbally attack her to him, and tries to be a good son to her. He would not of his own free will kill her. However, Draco is selfish. One possibility is that he could be in a situation where it was her life or his own. That is a much harder decision for him to make, and while I personally think he would still allow himself to die first, if he was sufficiantly frightened he could easily or rashly decide that his life was more important than hers. Another way he could (possibly) kill her would be entirely by accident. There could be a lining up of events, such as a spell that was aimed for something else accidentally hitting her, or her mistakenly drinking a glass laced with poison that had been intended for someone else (perhaps Pansy in your situation), or some other calamity. But even in these circumstances Draco would mourn his mother's death and quite probably try to run from it or hide, attempting to forget that it happened and was his own fault.

he has taken Polyjuice Potion to hide on the train

This part of his character is good. Draco has a talant for potions as well as having Professor Snape to help him improve. It is very possible that his first choice would relate to something he could do himself (such as potion making) rather than relying on the protection of someone else. One thing that bothers me is the assumption that he would forget to take the polyjuice potion regularly (I'm guessing that this is how Harry found him). Being quite intelligent and very cautious with his own life, I cannot see Draco treating something like this so lightly as to forget to take the potion regularly enough. He would know better.

He is discovered, caught and his dastardly plot exposed. I was thinking that Harry could slip him something to ensure that he told the truth, but I wanted him to be so enraged with what happened that he just spilled his guts to the entire group.

This is not Draco at all. He is a Slytherin, clever, and well versed at hiding his plans. I can hardly see him flying into a blind rage and telling all. Draco fights with his words and his mind, not with his muscles. This is evendent in every squabble he and Harry have. Goyle and Crabbe hit people. Draco eviscerates them with the sharp end of his tongue. If caught he would try to mislead, to twist words and lay false tracks. He would think first and answer later. His temper may be hot, but his blood is cold. Look at his plans in HBP in regards to Dumbledore. He kept his own council and told no one. If the strain was too much, he still confided only half and in someone (Myrtle) who was no danger to him. Even if he was expressing remorse and confessing, it would not be done all at once and certainly not to Harry.
You suggest here that Harry would slip something in his drink or such. If so, he would need to be very subtle because Draco would recognise the intent and refuse to drink if he saw, and he is neither blind nor stupid. If Harry did manage to get him to drink Veratiserum, he would answer the questions they put at him, but in a much more neutral tone of voice, each word forced from him. He would not lightly give up his plans.

I was thinking along the lines that while Draco enjoyed Pansy's simpering and doting, that he would never truly *want* to marry her.

This is good insight. Draco does not want Pansy for her simpering. He enjoys the power he has over her. He has a certain amount of charisma which allows him to gather followers. I believe he likes the feeling of control that this gives him. Pansy becomes a thing, someone who will do his bidding, and who he can use to further his own ends. He would not want to marry her because he does not consider her and equal to him in any way. As much as he is selfish, Draco would want to marry an equal. Someone who he could talk with intelligently since he is intelligent, someone who he felt was equal in rank or bloodlines. Someone with equal ambition to help him with his own plans. He would want control, but not stupidity; respect, but not subserviance to all. A simpering Pansy would not suit him at all.

Remember in GoF when Draco insults Harry, Harry insults Narcissa, Draco tries to hex Harry and gets turned into a ferret? The key is the insult to Narcissa. Draco actually flushes with anger and says something along the lines of, "Don't talk about my mother like that, Potter." He really seems to care about her. His father, on the other hand, shames Draco in the middle of Flourish and Blotts.

“I saw Pansy leave the compartment. I had a feeling she was up to something..."

This sounds like the great detective watching his quarry from an upper window. I wouldn't be surprised if Draco didn't think Pansy capable of doing anything harmful. Even if he did, I don't think he'd follow her. Also, I think he rather depends on her simpering adoration to keep her from doing anything against him.

The trolley -- first, you don't mention that it's outside the compartment in question, you just say Draco upends it. Second, he trips over it trying to get to Narcissa, which seems to imply that the trolley is inside the compartment.

Draco’s furious voice interrupted her outburst. “Actually, my dear, I’ve accomplished two things in my life. I killed Mother and, I’ve succeeded in getting out of marrying you. You could say I killed two birds with one pair of hands.”

Draco laughed maniacally as Fred and George conjured ropes to hold him until they pulled into Kings Cross Station.

And this sounds like the great, insane villain monologuing. One thing clashes, and that's Draco being "furious" and "maniacal." Usually, if he's furious, he's sane enough to have such normal reactions. If he's maniacal, that isn't always true.

And Draco doesn't, as far as we've seen, ever use terms of endearment on anyone, even if he is mocking them. ("Potty and Weasel" don't count.)

One further note: the fact that Draco seems bored with Simpering! Pansy is the reason, I think, that there are so many Draco/Hermione stories. She has the intelligence and the courage to stand up to him and be the equal he needs. How many Draco/Pansy stories do you see out there?

I must second AJ Seawiel about Narcissa's mentality. Draco seems (refer to HBP, the Unbreakable Vow) to be the absolute most important thing in her life. Why would she offer him as a prize to a girl that he has never shown preference for? He's never shown any real affection for Pansy, though he does lap up the attention she feeds him.

I agree with many here, that it is OOC for Draco to simply tell his stroy like that, and also, for Harry to give him anything while they were on the train. In HBP, Draco is very secretive about all the things he does, and doesn't even tell Crabbe and Goyle. Why would he tell everyone else? Also (i'm sure this was mentioned before) Draco wasn't able to kill Dumbledore. Of course, he felt little anger or hatred towards him, compared to that he feels to his mother(in your story), but he loves his mother. In HBP, he was afraid that Voldemort would kill her. If he was afraid someone else would kill her, wouldn't he be even more afraid to kill her himslef?

Draco wouldn't kill his mother. In Diagon Alley, in book 6, when Draco was seen running to Borgin and Burke's, Harry said how Draco would never leave his mother.

I doubt he would not want to marry Pansy, or, atleast, say she was ugly. On the train in book 6, when Pansy was stroking his head, he didn't seem to want her to get away from him.

Also, Draco wouldn't be telling his whole entire plot to frame people. Unless someone has taken Polyjuice Potion to look like him to frame him, or he has been given a bucketload of Veritaserum, he wouldn't be saying any of this.