If you have a loved one with cancer or if you are having a love affair with cancer join me here. This is an uplifting, alluring and realistic saga of Love in the Time of cancer. I am also writing this because as Mark Twain said, “I don’t want to hear about the moon from a man who has not been there.” Loving a man with cancer is my moon. Take the next step with me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Girls Just Want To….Be Women Who Can Talk About Sex

This past weekend I led a spiritual retreat for women in
recovery. We talked about everything that goes with recovery: addictions,
relationships, support groups, transferring addictions, “positive addictions”,
prayer and God and faith and how to keep on growing and changing.

We also talked about things that women talk about when they
get together: food, eating, bodies, health, shopping, shoes, money, men,
partners, work, kids, careers, skincare and sex. Yes, sex.

I found myself leading a late night session about sex and
aging and we talked about some of the things no one tells us about owning a
female body in mid-life. What I loved about that session was that we laughed,
and cried and held such a safe space for each other to talk intimately about
our sexual needs and sexual dilemmas. It felt truly sacred to be with these
women so openly and with so much vulnerability.

That experience triggered a memory from my childhood, which
I now realize, is what gave me the confidence to create my own positive
sexuality-and maybe also it gave me courage to help other women, and couples.
Here is what I remembered about my mother:

When I was about 10 or 11 my mother gave me those little
booklets from Kimberly Clark about my changing body and about menstruation.
They were pretty risqué I guess even though they showed no actual body parts
and never, ever mentioned sex at all. But just the reference to “maturity” and
fallopian tubes was a big deal.

After that my mother, Florence, talked to me often about the
feelings—the emotional and physical feelings—that were going to come to me as I
developed physically. She told me about sex and intercourse and how babies were
made yes. But she also talked about desire and the sensations I might encounter
when I was attracted to a boy. No, she did not use the word orgasm, that would
not have been in her vocabulary, but desire was and she wanted me to understand
that desire was not a “Boys Only” experience. She wanted me to understand that
I would certainly have physical desire and sensations because she didn’t want
me to be surprised when that happened.

Later, when I was in my twenties my mother talked to me
about this and she let me in on conversations that she had been having with the
mothers of my little girl friends. Florence told me that it infuriated her when
she heard women tell girls things like, “Those boys just want one thing” and
“Your job is to keep a boy from touching you” and “If a boy touches you it’s
all for him and not for you.”

My mother, now I realize how smart she was, told those other
mothers, “You are lying to your

daughter, so the first time she feels a crush
or a sensation of desire when she has a hug or kiss with a boy she will
conclude one of two things: That she is a freak or that you are a liar. And if
your daughter thinks you lied about feelings of desire then she will not believe
the important things you told her about love and caring and deserving respect.
You will have lost her trust.”

My mother told me that I would feel desire and that I might
want some of that pleasure but that I would say no. Not because it was all for
the boy but because I would care about myself, and I’d be careful with my
feelings, and I’d want to have a good reputation. And yes, truth be told—I did
hear about the milk and the cow and what happens if it is free. J

This weekend at the podium, talking to women about their
bodies and self-care and the timing of female sexual response, I was recalling
Florence and finally appreciating what an unusual and helpful mother I had.