Detachment

Written by Jordan.

I’ve always felt a detachment to myself.

A severe disconnect between me and my body. I just didn’t fully realize it until I was nearly 26. That I’m Transgender. After that, I finally knew who I was. Everything clicked. Everything finally fell into place in a way that can only be described as being set free.

I had always known I was different. I saw myself as a boy when the reality is I was born female. At 25, my aunt died unexpectedly. My dad knew how my uncle was feeling. He was the only one to fully understand because of my mother’s unexpected death over a decade prior. I, however, was the only person to go out of me, my dad and sister. All because my dad listened to my stepmother instead of his instincts. From that point on, I disconnected from him. I’ll never forgive him for that and he knows it.

It wasn’t long after I came back from the funeral that I reached out for help. By the end of the year, I was transitioning to male with the little money I could get. I was also speaking out. Something I’d always disliked. It’s become therapy though. I am able to help others understand Trans people. I’ve come to see not everyone will understand or accept me. Family above all else. My own family doesn’t accept me. They say they do; yet, they make no effort to do so.

To my dad and sister, I’ll always be a daughter and sister. In a weird way, I’ve come to accept it. My sister has a Trans friend and accepts him perfectly fine, but can’t accept me as her brother. How messed up is that? It has been the outside help that has truly helped me. In moments of suicidal depression (and I’m not kidding about that) I have seen a light telling me to keep going because everything will be okay.

I’ve detached from my entire family at this point. I don’t consider them family anymore. Just a bunch of people I happen to be related to.

For so many others, it’s the same thing. They’re not accepted for who they are and can’t be their authentic selves. Many teens are kicked out for simply wanting to be who they are. I’m planning on moving to New York and not ever coming back. I find it a little funny that my friends and even family think I’d come back and visit. They don’t fully realize I’m more than likely never coming back. I’d rather deal with the freezing cold of NYC than come back to Florida and be in an unloved environment.

My little piece of advice, encouragement, insight, whatever – is to be who you are.

Accept yourself and love the person you are. Everything else will fall into place even when it doesn’t seem like it.