Monday, May 27, 2013

The Real Naomi

I usually do not like to write about myself. Once upon a time I wrote diaries, but found that people cannot help but snoop. I have never met a single person in my life, who know I had a diary, and did not violate my privacy. Diaries are not for me anymore.

I use this blog to exercise my first amendment rights. I write philosophy, I write drama, and often times, there is no censor between my brain and the pen. I say what I really think, and, I like to say the things I know other people are thinking but too kind to say themselves.

So, for a change, lets talk about me. In an interview on 60 minutes, Angelina Jolie said something that resonates with me. She was talking about how she had too many close calls in her life, took things too far and really should not be here. I think she was a heroin addict at one point in her life. I do not relate to drug addiction, with one exception. I cook with wine, and sometimes, I even add it to the food. (Ta Da!) In all seriousness, I do not relate to addiction but I do relate to her feelings about pushing things too far.

I identify with Angelina - To my detriment, I stayed at the freak show just a little too long.

MY CONFESSION

When I look back on my life, I remember the unspeakable pain that I endured. My confession is that I like getting even. It all started long ago, when I was just a little girl with bad hair, acne, freckles and a bully for an older sister. I was very shy and sweet. It was easy to take advantage of me because I never stood up for myself. My sister bullied me. She made fun of me, she hit me, she hurt me and my mother was never there to protect me from her. In later years she apologized and I forgave her.

But something about that entire experience changed me. Today, I fiercely defend myself.

In 2008 and 2011, two individuals from my past, a former foster sister and a cousin sent me a nasty email because they did not like something I wrote or published. They do not know each other. They knew the push-over Naomi from the early 90's, they never met the Naomi of today.

I publicly humiliated both of them. My cousin got the brunt of my wrath when she sent me an angry email because she did not like something I posted on her mother's Facebook page. You see - some of the women in my family love drama and actively look for things to be pissed off about. Let me just say, I gave her a legitimate reason to be pissed off.

I disclosed the truth about this cousin in a Youtube video with her name and image. The truth that she is older than me, and never done a single important thing in her life. She ignores the entire family and put herself up on a pedestal. What I said and did to her, she was not expecting in a million years. Let me just say, that that woman will never be contacting me again with her bullshit. :-)

Anyway....

In the last year, and up until today, I have been going through a process of trying to change myself. I want to take the high road. I want to be better. For me, it is not about being smarter or more educated anymore. I already have that. I gave myself the University education, and surely will seek more of it in the future. But my education is not making me a better person. I want to do more good things, for the sake of doing good things.

When someone from my past does something like my retarded cousin or ex-foster sister, I am going to just block them from contacting me and ignore them. Giving them a legitimate reason to be pissed off is not my path anymore. Even though the world is full of shit people, at the end of the day I am accountable to my family, my husband and to myself. I published another article, about why revenge is wrong. I made a commitment some time ago, to be mindful about revenge seeking behavior in myself.

I write blogs about the online activity of other people. I wish that I could write only about the things in life that really interest me, like literature and philosophy. Unfortunately, the only thing people want to read are stories about how fat Kim Kardashian looks in a floral dress. People want to read about the Free Thought Blog Feminists. They want YouTube drama.

The Satire Factory contains many photoshopped images or de-motivational posters about the very internet celebrities that I write about. Davis Aurini, for example, is a Nazi, woman hater, and over all very sick human being. He writes horrible diatribes about how most women are given too much freedom. I think that the images of him as Adolf Hitler certainly lend a great deal to my essays and analysis. But, are making these images really what I want to do? I do not have the answer yet, but I privatized the link until I do know what I want to do.

TRY IT ON LIKE A NEW DRESS

I greatly admire actress Joan Crawford. I do not believe that the whole "Mommy Dearest" story is entirely true. She raised other adopted children, and they have no memory of her being abusive. In an interview with David Frost, Crawford talks about how actresses bring the best part of their characters home, try them on like a new dress and are not aware that they are doing it. I relate to that as well.

The literature and philosophy that I discuss in this blog are incorporated in my being. There were many long hours spent thinking about The Myth of Sisyphus, and how in my own life I live to push a boulder up a hill only to watch it roll down again. The moment my boulder begins to roll down, I am confronted with the absurd, meaninglessness of life. These are actual things that I think about.

When someone tells me X proposition is true, epistemology automatically turns on in my head. I start questioning where that person's knowledge is coming from. When someone is comparing two things, I think about whether those two things are similar in form and function, ensuring that the analogy created is not a faulty one.

I relate to Joan Crawford, because when I write about any type of philosophy, I incorporate it into my being. Crawford said that actresses do not know they are doing it. I do know that I am doing it. I actively incorporate the best aspects of something that I wrote about. I incorporate Atlas Shrugged into my individual, private, personal way of doing business. I incorporate epistemology when others are telling me something. I incorporate the lessons literature has to offer about life and how to live it.

I believe that life is something we should do actively. Life is not something we should let happen to us. We should never replace the thinking of others for our own, we should never be lazy thinkers, but we should take an active role in the process of thinking. We should have a goal every day, and do the best we can.

Sometimes I do not do things as well as I should. I need to change that. I need to become more like Joan Crawford, and bring my best to the table every single day that I am alive.

NEW AND SIMPLER PHILOSOPHY

I am adopting a philosophy that is newer, better and simpler. My philosophy is this.
1. Know what you are going to do every day
2. Do your job the best that you can do it
3. Be a better version of yourself

Don't worry, I am not throwing away Albert Camus. I am not throwing away literature, philosophy, or any of it. I just want to be better for the sake of being better.

I downloaded the two interviews mentioned in this blog. It is embedded below.

2 comments:

Several years ago, I looked at my philosophies and ended up becoming an atheist and tried a massive self-improvement program. It's one of the reasons I adopted the "imrational" persona on YouTube back then.

I saw a lot of people die (working as an ER nurse) and realized that I wanted to be able to look back on my life and respect the person that I was. This led me to the question, "What kind of person would I respect and what qualities would they have?"

I failed pretty miserably at it, but still look back fondly on the experiment. I wish you the best of luck with yours.

As to the diary thing... yeah, people snoop. Even if they respect you while you live, you can be sure they'll crack open that book after you die. Still, reading past memoirs, diaries, and autobiographies is one of my favorite form of literature. I am fascinated by the how and why of people's choices and what exactly their patterns of thoughts were.

COMMENT POLICY: Freedom of Expression is given to those who stand up for what they are saying, not hiding behind anonymity. You must be a registered user, with a link to your Facebook page/ Youtube account/ or other social network where I can verify your identity.

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