A Marwadi, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the rail tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! — but doesn’t know what it is.

Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?”
The desert man replies, “You have to kill these things when they’re small.”

How’d you die?” the first man asks the second. “I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.

How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy.
“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says. “What do you mean?” asks the first man

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

Once a villager from Punjab wanted to catch an eight o’clock train. If he takes the proper road to the station, it was a long winding way, but if he could walk through someone’s farm, it was a short-cut to the station.

A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
“Before it happens, do you see any dreams?” the doctor said.
“Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, ‘Let’s pee.”
“OK,” the doctor said. “Next time you see the demon, say, “No, we’ve already peed.”
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, “So? Did you do as I said?
“Yes, I did.”
“Did it help?”
“Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse.”
“How?”
“As I said ‘We’ve already peed,’ the demon nodded and said, ‘Then, let’s shit a little.”

Ladies and Gentlemen:
This is your Captain James’ Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways.
We apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the highway Dhaba.

This is flight no.9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to ——–. Landing in ——- is not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your village.

Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety Standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure , I announce that starting this year over 90% of our passengers have reached their destination.

For the ones that don’t quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits. For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you quickly find out whether God really exists.

We regret to inform you that today’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also put a pair of binoculars under your seat.

As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down. Life jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water landings on any of our five rivers.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belts. For those of you who can’t find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage of water we require for your tea.

I won’t be flying with you today because I have to attend to my nephew’s wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time. For an extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain’s seat in the cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view.