“I Would Totally Go Clubbing With My Mom”

So, Lindsay Lohan had a major run in the law this week, when she and her mother got into a limo fight in the wee hours of the morning after partying at some club (you can listen to the extremely depressing emergency phonecall Lindsay made to her father Michael over at TMZ). Anyway, the story inspired us to wonder, what kind of person goes clubbing with his/her parents? The answer is Gloss EIC Jennifer Wright. …but she does it for the waffles.

Jennifer: So, I will begin this lively debate by saying that Lindsay Lohan went clubbing with her mother and then got into a fight in the limo with her. Apparently her mom was on cocaine. She called her father, who (bizarrely) accused the limo driver of kidnapping her. It all seems very strange and sad. So. Would you go clubbing with your mom? I would probably go clubbing with my mom. I think that’s all I have to say. I would totally go clubbing with my mom. Full stop. End of debate.

Ashley: Hold on. I, too, would like to say I found that harried phonecall to her father profoundly sad. He’s so manipulative! He immediately suggests she’s being kidnapped. When the driver gets on the line and cooly insists that he is indeed not kidnapping anyone, Michael changes his tune to suggest that Dina’s kidnapping Lindsay. Still, the saddest thing of all is when it’s revealed that Lindsay gave Dina $40k so she could “keep her house,” and Michael insists that Dina’s manipulating Lindsay for money… and that’s the one time you believe anything he says. Oh, also, I would not go clubbing with my mom. Are you fucking crazy?

Jennifer: I would probably go clubbing with the limo driver. He seems like the only sane person IN THE WORLD during that conversation, given that he just keeps calmly repeating, “I am not kidnapping your daughter” and offering to pull over. Do you think you see a lot of weird stuff as a limo driver? Probably, right?

Ashley: Oh my god, almost certainly. It’s like everything a cab driver sees except fancier! Then again, they probably see the same amount of drunks soiling themselves as cabbies. And yeah, that guy deserves a medal for keeping his cool while a crazed Michael Lohan is threatening to “call the feds” on him for kidnapping Lindsay Lohan.

Club buddies Drew and Jaid Barrymore

Jennifer: I would take him to party in a club with me and my mom. Lavo, maybe. Do you know why Lavo?

Ashley: Oh, sigh. No, Jennifer. No I do not know why Lavo. Do they serve some kind of sandwiches?

Jennifer: Because their chicken and waffles are delicious!

Ashley: Of course.

Jennifer: I really like them. Do you know what I liked about Bungalow 8?

Ashley: I know this one! Grilled cheese?

Jennifer: Grilled cheese sandwiches! In other news, it’s sad that I can’t surprise you anymore. Maybe tomorrow I’ll come in screaming about being kidnapped, that’ll be pretty surprising.

Ashley: I would probably just calmly repeat that you aren’t being kidnapped, because that works on most people (not Michael Lohan?). Also, most people go clubbing to do a bunch of blow and have sex with strangers. You may be the only one who goes to Lavo for waffles.

Jennifer: So, what I’m getting at, is I’m very bad at clubbing. I’m sort of like a Morlock just wandering into any given club. So, I move my hands around a little bit and I get really excited about the food. I realize that anyone who went to a club with me would probably handle it in a cooler way, including my own mother. Also, since I see clubs only as “waffle and chicken joints” I think it would be perfectly reasonable to bring anyone there. My mother, my grandmother, the nice elderly postman who gives me magazines other people don’t want, a homeless person, anyone.

What are you, a monster??

Ashley: I think we’re skirting a much larger and more fertile issue here, which is whether or not you should be “pals” with your parents, at any age. I have always, always found it unsettling when, growing up, other girls would say, “My mom is my best friend!” I’m pretty old-fashioned in this sense, in that I think one’s parents should be authority figures, not buddies. But there’s nothing really anti-authority about enjoying chicken and waffles with them, so I guess you get a pass.

Jennifer: I mean, I think it would be unfortunate, because the clubs, they are so noisy. We wouldn’t really be able to talk. That’s why I usually bring a book! But parents hate that.

Ashley: So, we can probably both agree that you shouldn’t do coke with your mom in clubs and then get into limo fights, though?

Jennifer: WHO DOES THAT WITH THEIR PARENTS?

Ashley: I DONT KNOW. Well, it shouldn’t surprise us that the answer is Lindsay Lohan.

Jennifer: Well, you’re typically more low-key about drug use than I am, though. Insofar as you do not think it will immediately send people on an Edie Sedgwick-like downward spiral. Why is there a taboo with parents?

Ashley: I don’t think the problem is really the drug? I think that’s a symptom of a larger problem. Like, not many people with really solid, healthy relationships with their parents would do cocaine in clubs with them.

Jennifer: Why not? I mean, I drink with my parents. Though we do not get wasted, but nor do I do that with my friends.

Ashley: You know, I don’t know if I can really articulate why? I think all I’m saying is that Lindsay Lohan has seemingly had a deeply fractured relationship with her mom for a really long time, and the fact that they go to clubs together and do coke probably has something to do with said fracture?

It's pretty much exactly like playing catch or whatever.

Jennifer: Look, I think… well, let me begin by saying that, at this point in my life, in my mid-twenties, I regard my mother more as my closest friend than as any real authority figure. I mean, I’m an adult. I’m employed. I have health insurance. She can’t really ground me anymore. However, she is the first person I turn to for advice because I know she is someone who absolutely has my best interest at heart. I feel like this is a good relationship with my mother. I also feel like we are lucky in that we have similar peronsalities. And neither one of us would freak out in the back of a limo in a cocaine haze. If either one of us were in the back of such a limo, I think we would both be TERRIFIED. So, yes, I’d go clubbing because I both love and, I think this is more important, LIKE my mom. We would do it badly, but if she really wanted to see what a New York club was like I would say “sure, of course.” We don’t have a good relationship because we don’t do that, we have a good relationship because were are not… crazy people strung out on cocaine. I think if you are crazy people strung out on cocaine your relationships will not be great, regardless of whether or not you are related.

Ashley: Right, but I think you’re describing a healthy relationship with your mom. Also, you have a great relationship with your mom because she is awesome (Hi, Kathleen!). However, there’s a big difference between seeking advice or being close with your parents or visiting establishments for anthropological/waffle-related reasons and spilling out of clubs at 4:00 AM, strung out and threatening each other. There’s, you know, middle ground. Unfortunately, I can’t really pin point exactly what it is.

Jennifer: The middle ground is “don’t be totally reckless.” I mean, I think that’s actually my problem with this. I think if I started doing cocaine and behaving really self-destructively, my mother would be beside herself trying to figure out how to make me stop and be healthy again. There’s a certain amount of recklessness we think is permissable in young people. But we assume that their parents would try to stop that, not enable it.

Ashley: This got pretty serious.

No one ever talks about the fun, awesome side of cocaine!

Ashley: I’m all for transparency with parents (and I’m thankful mine were all for it, too) but I also think there’s a minimum amount of decorum with which you should conduct yourself around relatives. However, this is not the reason I wouldn’t take my mom to Lavo; I wouldn’t take my mom to Lavo because I don’t want to choke down a watery $20 rail vodka tonic in a near-impenetrable cloud of Thierry Mugler‘s Angel while dodging grindings from anonymous striped shirt bros who are really excited to be there.

Actually what all clubs are like.

Ashley: …It’s nothing to do with maturity, really. More quality of life. But I understand that you really, really like waffles.

Jennifer: They’re really good! But yes, I mean, I think I could happily do that with my mom. I do not think, in spite of her being someone I largely regard as a close friend I share things with, I could do a line of cocaine in front of her without her yelling at me.

Jennifer: hahahahaha. No, Dina Lohan’s problem is wanting to be a young person herself. Maybe my mom and I get along well because we both want to be old people, sort of. We talk a lot about art, and restaurants, and complain about people behaving badly. Dina and Lindsay both seem to want to enjoy the recklessness that accompanies youth, to obviously disastrous results.

Ashley: Still, being kidnapped by your limo driver is a legitimate fear for some people and I don’t think we should marginalize that.