Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

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On the professional.

My roommate Chris is a legend. He moved in 6 months ago and is someone who I’m sure will be a friend for life.

Problem is, he has this annoying cockatiel. It’s an utterly terrible pet. It makes noises like a car alarm and let’s just say it’s a morning bird. It’s also unfriendly, even to Chris, biting the hand that feeds.

For some reason he loves this bird. Personally, I think it would be better for both of us if it was gone. We’ve talked about it but he’s too attached. I don’t get it- this thing has the pointlessness of a fish combined with the noise of a dog. An absolute mood killer.

I’ve thought long and hard but get the shakes every time my hand gets near the cage door. What should I do?

Your hand shakes, eh? You want the bird gone, but you don’t have what it takes to do what needs to be done?

Yeah, well. I know a guy. Ex-military, a real professional. He knows how to deal with your particular problem. He works fast, and he can keep a secret.