If America Was A Person What Would They Be Like?

I think America is like a really good friend that helped you out once a long time ago. But after he helped you out, he took all the credit for what he
helped you do. He also made sure he got more profit from the thing he helped you with than you did.

So Americas life was great after he helped you and you were happy for him. Couldnt happen to a nicer guy. Then you started noticing changes in your
friend America. He started partying all night and taking days off work. Then you hear he is mixing with the wrong crowd. You hear America has been
taking illegal substances. He tells you its nothing serious.

Next your friend America develops a gambling problem. He starts calling you up and asking for a few bucks untill payday. Then you hear America has
stopped going to work. You dont know if he quit or if he was fired. You suspect that he just stopped going.

Before long your friend America is a criminal. You hear rumours about America. People are saying he has done terrible things and is bad news. America
becomes an organised crime boss before too long. But he still has an addiction so he spends his money as quick as he steals it.

So even though America is making heaps of money now from organised crime he is still broke. In fact, he gets in so much debt that he is in risk of
losing his nice house and all of his nice things. America has grown accustom to living the high life and continues to spend big on luxuries and his
growing addictions.

Now you hear that your friend America has taken out a loan with this dude you know called China. You dont know much about China only that he has some
pretty tough friends and he is a stand up guy. Even though China seems cool, you have heard that he did some messed up stuff a long time ago and you
hope to yourself that America knows what they are getting themselves in to.

Someone tells you that China is a loan shark. It makes sense. Even though China has been cool to you, you always thought they seemed a bit suspicious.
America calls you up one night and they are crying like a little girl. They are worried that China is going to break their knee caps.

America starts thinking about how to get out of this mess. Who could they borrow money from? There buddy Greece? No... Then they think how the Brits
still owe them. No.... He thinks of the French but remembers that the French dont really like him much. He also heard France was having money
problems....What about Spain? No.....

America decided to send one of his hired goons to Europe anyway. All his old friends mostly lived in a place called Europe and the UK. America really
needed some cash so he sent his best goon, the infamous Mr IMF. America knew all of his old friends were broke but there wasnt anyone else to ask.
When Mr IMF told Europe and the UK that America wanted money, Europe and the UK were very angry. All of Europe and the UK decided that they never
really liked America much anyway,and this was the last straw. Most people started to think China was much cooler. Mr IMF tried to convince them that
it was actually one of their own,Germany,that Europe and the UK should be angry at but they were not stupid. They could see past Germany.

Mr IMF is the worlds best and smartest goon and he did manage to squeeze some money out of Americas old friends but it still was not enough. Things
were looking bad. America had tried to ignore the humiliating Credit Downgrade that he recieved in the mail a while ago. America had been ignoring the
fact that he had wasted his savings long ago and had been living on borrowed money from China each month. America calls you up in the early hours of
the morning crying again. America tells you he is scared. He has been thinking about all the countries he has ripped off because he heard they are all
making friends with China. America tells you that he cant even remember all the different countries he has ripped off since he stopped going to work.
He wonders how many enemies he actually has. Then he tells you he is afraid to leave the house because he thinks he saw Iran hiding outside in the
bushes. He has also seen some scary shadows. You tell him he is being paranoid but he insists that he saw Syria following him home the other day and
he knows that Iran and Syria hang out. He says that Syria might be out in the bushes too. Then he asks if he can borrow twenty bucks until next week.
You tell him no and hang up.

In the moring you feel bad for hanging up on your old friend and you decide that it is time to call an intervention. You call up your friends from
Europe and the UK to come. All of Americas old friends tell you that America is a jerk and they dont like him anymore. You try to convince them that
your old friend is worth it but they all refuse to attend the intervention. They all say that America is not cool anymore.

You get a loud knocking at the door. Its America. He pushes past you and rushes inside. You ask him whats wrong. He is a mess. You look him up and
down and think how much he has changed. He was once a good looking guy. He worked out and was healthy. Always dressed well and had a good sense of
style. Now he looked pathetic. He was grotesquely overweight and he looked like he had been wearing his track pants and t-shirt for days. He had large
sweat stains under his armpits and a stripe of a sweat stain across his bulberous stomach where I assume the shirt concealed his main fat roll. His
eyes are red and bloodshot and he needs a shave. He looks like he has not slept in days.

America tells you that countries have started leaving abusive messages on his answering machine. He tells you some dude called Bolivia sounded crazy.
He asks you "who the [SNIP] is Bolivia?" He says "I dont even know these people". I tell him who Bolivia is and he says that maybe he ripped Bolivia
off once but he cant remember. He says he remembers he had a big score with some guy called Chile a long time ago but it gets a little hazy after
that.

America tells you he is screwed. He says that he cant break his addictions. He tells you that the Bank called and thet he might lose his cars and
house. America tells you that he is only getting by on money that he keeps borrowing from China and that he is having trouble paying the interest on
the loan. America suggests that maybe you and he should get rid of China because then everything could just go back to normal.
You ask America to leave. He seems annoyed and he does go but he curiously leaves his car parked in your driveway and just walks off. You think great,
if China drives past and sees his car it wont be good. You have become good friends with China and you dont want to mess that up.

You get calls from friends telling you that America has one of his many cars parked out the front of all of his old friends houses. Everyone is
wishing that America would just come and get his cars because it has come to the stage where they do not want to be associated with him. They also
dont want China to turn up at our house looking for him. People say they have tried to call America to come get his car but he is not answering the
phone.

Then you get a call late one night. Its Canada. They tell you that America is in a coma in Intensive Care. Nobody knows what happened but the police
suspect Russia,Iran and Syria. Canada tells me that while America has been in hospital China foreclosed on them and are now living in Americas house
and driving his cars.

good story, but I still believe a good friend is a good friend for life. Through thick & thin. Never give up on a friendship. A bit of
tough love maybe needed at times in all friendships. But I would do all I could to help them help themselves. We all need a good friend. But we also
can have many friends all that bring something different.
If an old friend needed to park their car at my place for a while & lets say another new friend didnt like it. Well stiff sh!t I would tell them. If
that new friend was really a TRUE friend it wouldnt be a problem!. If it was Id be wondering what their intentions of me were. But really good read

If the old friend & new friend cant get along its their problem & they must work it out. I could try keeping them out of the same room. But apart from
that act civil in my company.

good story, but I still believe a good friend is a good friend for life. Through thick & thin. Never give up on a friendship. A bit of
tough love maybe needed at times in all friendships. But I would do all I could to help them help themselves. We all need a good friend. But we also
can have many friends all that bring something different.
If an old friend needed to park their car at my place for a while & lets say another new friend didnt like it. Well stiff sh!t I would tell them. If
that new friend was really a TRUE friend it wouldnt be a problem!. If it was Id be wondering what their intentions of me were. But really good read

good story, but I still believe a good friend is a good friend for life. Through thick & thin. Never give up on a friendship. A bit of
tough love maybe needed at times in all friendships. But I would do all I could to help them help themselves. We all need a good friend. But we also
can have many friends all that bring something different.
If an old friend needed to park their car at my place for a while & lets say another new friend didnt like it. Well stiff sh!t I would tell them. If
that new friend was really a TRUE friend it wouldnt be a problem!. If it was Id be wondering what their intentions of me were. But really good read

Im calling an intervention.

Sorry I just still see a lot of good in this old friend. I may not want to live my life as they have & hope I dont make the same mistakes.

But America makes me think of a drunk who's lost control. He's already lost all his money and driven all his friends away and has started making
enemies and bullying the weaker countries--in some cases beating them into comas. And now he's gotten paranoid and has turned on his own family, even
going so far as to spy on them and silence them at gunpoint....

She'd be like one of the chicks partying at Cancun on Spring Break. She's one of the ones with large bone structure, and a little bit hefty but
still got great curves and can get by with a bikini (but not a thong anymore).

She's more than a little bit drunk and she has a voice that sounds like water flowing over gravel. All the local boys are crowding around because
you know that America's been around the block, but this evening she'll be hammered (again) and looking to score.

She's got huge tracts of land, probably silicone; but who cares. She's got so many strings of "show us" beads that you can tell she's the life
of the party. Right now she's wearing the bottom of a bikini and a soaking wet t-shirt with nothing underneath.

She's got a rich uncle's credit card and she always buys everybody's drink, although the rumor is that her uncle's card gets declined more and
more these days. She's the loudest person in the bar, and she has a couple of guys for "protection," but you get the feeling she could probably
take you, even when she's drunk. She comes over and hangs her arms around your neck. She shouts to no one in particular that you are the only one
she trusts, then asks you if you know where we can score some blow.

She wants to go to another bar, and has a luxury convertible out in the parking lot. She asks you to drive, and you notice that her car is on empty,
and actually just a cheap rental with torn up upholstery and a really bad smell coming from the trunk. It is almost completely out of gas. The
stereo only plays at top volume, Van Halen hits from the Sammy Hagar years. You can hardly think straight as you drive, she keeps sticking her tongue
in your ear and shoving collector 2 dollar bicentennial bills into your pants.

You don't remember much after that, but you will wake up tomorrow with a bump on the back of your head, an empty wallet, a hotel bill for $3250.99,
and an STD. When you find your pants lying on the beach behind the hotel, the pockets will contain spent pistol rounds, all your now maxed-out credit
cards, and an autographed picture of America, topless.

She'd be like one of the chicks partying at Cancun on Spring Break. She's one of the ones with large bone structure, and a little bit hefty but
still got great curves and can get by with a bikini (but not a thong anymore).

She's more than a little bit drunk and she has a voice that sounds like water flowing over gravel. All the local boys are crowding around because
you know that America's been around the block, but this evening she'll be hammered (again) and looking to score.

She's got huge tracts of land, probably silicone; but who cares. She's got so many strings of "show us" beads that you can tell she's the life
of the party. Right now she's wearing the bottom of a bikini and a soaking wet t-shirt with nothing underneath.

She's got a rich uncle's credit card and she always buys everybody's drink, although the rumor is that her uncle's card gets declined more and
more these days. She's the loudest person in the bar, and she has a couple of guys for "protection," but you get the feeling she could probably
take you, even when she's drunk. She comes over and hangs her arms around your neck. She shouts to no one in particular that you are the only one
she trusts, then asks you if you know where we can score some blow.

She wants to go to another bar, and has a luxury convertible out in the parking lot. She asks you to drive, and you notice that her car is on empty,
and actually just a cheap rental with torn up upholstery and a really bad smell coming from the trunk. It is almost completely out of gas. The
stereo only plays at top volume, Van Halen hits from the Sammy Hagar years. You can hardly think straight as you drive, she keeps sticking her tongue
in your ear and shoving collector 2 dollar bicentennial bills into your pants.

You don't remember much after that, but you will wake up tomorrow with a bump on the back of your head, an empty wallet, a hotel bill for $3250.99,
and an STD. When you find your pants lying on the beach behind the hotel, the pockets will contain spent pistol rounds, all your now maxed-out credit
cards, and an autographed picture of America, topless.

edit on 4-6-2012 by Lasr1oftheJedi because: I missed the insult to israel part. BTW, God bless Israel, and all her allies. This is
purely intended for humor, not to insult any people. It's more of "America's take" so to speak from the Simpsons, one of our institutions.

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