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Sunday, August 8, 2010

GAS STATION FOOD

Boys and girls! Welcome to my new blog piece! Upon my first excursion into this journey of tight ass food writing, I would like to put out the disclaimer that there is a high probability that every post will include offensive words pertaining to the human genitalia -- so eat a dick, you pussies! And don't tell my parents about this blog.

So let's get this shit started with the first of many installments pertaining to GAS STATION FOOD!

I feel the most appropriate way to start a blog about food and being on the road is for it to be about the place that bands visit most. There's nothing better than stopping every 2-4 hours and wasting your money on stupid shit and eating like a dumb ass! The shit is inevitable if you're a music dude, so one must figure out how to best to be a shitty pig with precision and accuracy.

Rule #1: Jalepeno flavored ANYTHING

Oh lordhavemercy! Nothing says food boner like something flavored with god's gift to peppers, the jalapeño. Perhaps the mundaneness of the highway is what makes this particular flavor so tittytastic, or maybe it's the masochism of raping your mouth with spicy shit -- regardless, more often than not, you will find that jalapeño flavored anything is the safest of choices. did you know that jalapeño flavored cheetos are better than the classic original flavor? I bet you didn't. The only way they could make it better is if they brought back the cheetos claw action and jalapeño'd that bitch, but i wouldn't know what else to dream about if they actually did that.

Rule #2: Sheetz is better than WaWa

You wanna know why? The main reason is because Sheetz has a DEEP FRYER. So it's like three in the morning, you're exhausted from rocking the fuck out, you may or may not be hammered, but you need some guaranteed satisfaction? Well shut your fucking face because mozzarella sticks are here for you! And what do you know about a dognut? Probably not whole lot unless if you've had a glazed cake dognut with some shitty coffee at the break of dawn. Also, the Sheetz MTO has more options 24/7 than WaWa, hands down. WaWa's all like, "Oh, it's three in the morning? Well we have egg salad!" fuck you, WaWa. Sheetz steps up to the plate with nachos, dillas, burgers, cheese fries -- you name it! this, and not to mention cheap ass gas and cigarettes makes sheetz the clear winner.

Rule #3: When in middle America, always go with the "Test Market" munchies

Why do you think shit like Jalapeño cream cheese taquitos even exist? It's because scientists like to get stoned as fuck and think of what the fattest pieces of shit would like to get down with! These fat pieces of shit happen to live in the middle of nowhere and only eat at gas stations, so that's where these scientists attempt to introduce their new flavors to see if they sell well. You should always go with these odd flavors because when the fuck else are you gonna be able to eat something like chicken curry dorritos?

This is only the tip of the iceburg to gas station food rules! What do you know about a Maryland house or the New Jersey Turnpike? Sheeeeyyiiiiit...