Message Boards

Topic : Communication

Good communication between partners can make or break a relationship. Share your tips and stories.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

Communication

I know what you are going through. I am in the same situation with my bf. We've been going together for 5 years. He's been wanting me to move to FL, and with my health problems, I'm inclined to go. I need the warmer climate.

On the other hand, I have a son in PA , whom him and his wife JUST had a baby two and a half months ago. I've always wanted to be a grammy! Right now they are only an hour away.

I have another son here in NY Whom is close to me and a big help.

I also have always wanted to be a snowbird. I didn't realize at the time how hard a decision that would be to move south until now.

Like you asked, how do you pick between your family or your SO? With me there is health issues. It would be better in warmer climate, but, then it would be nice to have family near by, along with the bf. grrr, so frustrating, and stressful!!!!!

In case your wondering my bf, has a place, both, in FL and one in Upstate NY.

sarcasm

HELP!!! I feel like such a jerk. My gf and I are really struggling over the past couple of weeks. I feel so lost and I don't turn to anyone. So I came here... My gf is really stressing out about school. She also is a collegiate/scholarship athlete (creates a lot of pressure). I feel like she is totally taking it out on me. He attitude and lack of .... well everything... I feel so selfish and angry and sad and lonely. And it all comes out as sarcasm. I don't want to be!! It gets worse when she is sarcastic with me. I feel it's the only way to communicate. I don't really know how to be more supportive.

lost

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. I feel wierd b/c he does not want to stay with me this vacation. I can not drive alone to this place so he is going to follow me out and then drive immediatly home to paly video games with his friends. He was ofered to stay with me but does not want to cancel on his friends because he does not want to dissappoint them. I know the guys that he is hanging out with and I can always go with when I want. I guess my question is, should I feel unhappy that he is not staying with me? I feel sad about him wanting to go straight back home with his friends and not jumping at the opportunity to see me (we are lucky to see each other twice a week and we do not live togehre yet). any suggestions?&nbsp

I am not the only one am I

Hi! I sortof know what you're going through. I just ended a relationship about a month ago, partly because my bf didn't understand why I needed to talk sometimes. Communication is a must in all relationships. Its good that you love him, but also he needs to respect you; if he doesn't then he really doesn't love you. I'm happy that you want to talk about issues in your relationship;I think relationships would be more successful if both bf and gf talked to each other and listened. I think guys do not understand fully of why us, women has this urgent need to talk. They may think we're trying to pick a fight, but most of the time we just want to talk some of our issues we're dealing with with our bf's. On a last note I think all guys need to talk through their feelings more with their gf's and also listen more. If everybody does these things I can assure you that the both of you will have a better relationship. <><Karina<><

I am sitting here this morning going through the exact same thing. Such little issues that kinda upset you turn into HUGE arguments all because you wanted to talk about it. I thought that is what you do. But as soon as I say, "Babe, what you are doing kinda hurts me" I get slapped with a "You just want to argue dont you!!". Well, no I dont, but I do deserve to say what is hurting me and you would think that if someone really loved you they would care about the fact that you are hurting. I just spent the past 30 minutes crying my eyes out asking him "what can we do?" "how can I approach this to make you not feel defensive?" and " what can I do to make this better so that we can go back to being happy like we were when we first woke up". But all I get is "you're pushing it" and "I am tired of always pleasing everyone else, I dont care if everyone hates me or loves me, I am just going to take care of me from now on" and of course, finally I got "just leave me alone, if you want this to get better, just leave me alone". Now how is that going to fix anything. I understand that everyone handles things differently, and everyone needs space in an argument...so let him go, and watched him come home, and then walk right past me...then start washing his truck as if I didnt exist. How long are you supposed to sit there with tears in your eyes waiting for him to care enough to come and talk things out? Why do I have to put my feelings on hold until he is ready to deal with me and what is going on? I dont want to rush him but I feel as if he doesnt care. He doesnt even bat an eye at the fact that his so called lover and best friend is crying for an hour. When is it time to say you know what, you really dont care. If you did you would put your arm around me and we would find a way to work through this. I have seen him cry twice...and you know what, my heart hit the floor. No more anger, no more frustration, all that mattered was that he was crying and it broke my heart....why does it not affect him the same way as it does me? How can you watch someone you love cry and not seem to care? Ok, I am sorry, I will stop venting online now :)

What am i suppose to do?

Hello!my name is deziree and i just had a baby on sept 23rd 2005. I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend and during the time i was pregnant i only seen him 5 times one time it was a whole weekend the rest they were over night. I didn't see until after the baby was born and that was when my baby was 2weeks. He has a daughter from his previous relationship and i know he's close to her and she needs him cuz she's 9 yrs old. But he see's her every weekend and never has time for my baby and has only seen him twice and my baby is 3wks old. He did not tell his daughter about my baby because he says it will hurt her cuz shes spoiled. IS THAT DENYING MY BABY? When i my baby saw him for the first time it was great then he tells me i have to go home cuz his daughter is coming and he sees her every weekend and sometimes for weeks and he never saw our son and we have to leave then to top it off he decides to tell me "make sure that i don't leave anything of the babys at his house because she's coming.........It hurts because this is my son and he's his first son and not i dont know what to do &nbsp

bad communication skills

hi, all. My name is Lacey, and I grew up in very tight knit schools. Schools so small, that for a time, I was the only girl in my grade. now I'm in a huge public school, and I really like this popular guy. I've known him for two years, and he seems interested in me, only problem is, I really don't know how to act around all these people, I feel stressed, and would rather just sit in my class room. I hate this feeling, and really want to be out there, with them, but I just don't know what to say. any advice?

Need advice

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months. I had known him for a couple years before we started dating because of mutual friends. Well, last night I found out that a little over a year ago he was sleeping with a girl from work....while he had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend. I know for a fact that he did not want to be with this girlfriend and didn't know how to breakup with her but that doesn't make the cheating right.&nbsp

When we got together I asked him if he had ever cheated on any of his girlfriends and he said he had in highshool but that was it. I later asked him if he had ever dated anyone from work (I knew all these people well) and he said no.&nbsp

Well my question is this....even though the cheating happened before me should I forgive it? I mean he did in fact lie to me when I asked him about his past. &nbsp

I believe that he wouldn't do this to me...I truly believe that people can change. Am I being naive?&nbsp

Getting a job

I graduated from college in May with a degree in Business and still haven't found a job. I did have an internship for 2 months but the company chose not to hire me, so i've been unemployed since. My job search hasnt turned up many interviews and now I'm getting frustrated and upset. My girlfriend is graduating in December with a degree in business and has nearly 15 interviews and already one job offer after spending less time searching. I am now beginning to get really jealous of her having such great success and I feel like it's really hurting my ego and pride. Deep down I'm happy, it's just I know I want to be the bread winner. My family points out how great she is at getting interviews and just asks me why I'm not trying as hard, when I really am. Other than this we have a great relationship, I just feel like I'm not going to be a great family man, the one job I care abuot the most. Does anyone have any advice that can help me out on this situation?

Lack of Communication

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 1 year and 8 months. I’m 25 and she is 24. About a month ago, we took a break from our relationship because we were having some issues that we needed to think about. In addition, she was (and still is) tied up in all sorts of very unfortunate family conflicts. A couple of weeks later, we both realized that we missed each other and that if we really wanted to help our relationship, then we would have to work the issues our together. After all, relationship issues cannot be helped if two people run away from each other.
This is her first serious relationship, while this is my third. She has had several 2-week to 1-month sexual relationships, but never any serious ones. Our main problem is that we are simply in different places in our ability to handle intimacy. We get along amazingly, but whenever we get into situations where we have to become vulnerable, she shuts down. This has mostly affected our physical relationship; basically, I make love, she has intercourse. We used to have sex all the time, but she would never respond well to affectionate physical advances. She likes to be dominated, controlled, and “taken.” Trust me, I like to do that – sometimes – but that’s ALL she wants. She doesn’t respond to truly intimate sex. Whenever I say “I love you” during sex, she doesn’t say anything. Whenever I try to look her in the eyes, she closes her eyes and looks away. When I tried to talk about it with her, she said that she has never had meaningful sex before. She said she would have sex just to have it, not even because she liked it. She says about her previous relationships, “he wanted to have sex with me, so I let him have sex with me.” When she was in high school, she would do all kinds of sexual things (orgies in her basement, etc.), but never have sex. Anyways, how can I be aggressive an dominate in bed when I don’t even feel like I’m part of the moment??? I feel like a masturbation tool for her. Why not just remove me from the situation and replace me with, say, a sex toy?? As of now, we are not having sex. We cuddle and things like that, but we don’t have any serious intimate contact, and she doesn’t like to talk about. This is requiring her to become vulnerable, so she is shutting down.
Our problem is not necessarily about the sex - it’s about the communication. We talk about her personal issues, which I appreciate making me a part of, but we don’t talk about OUR issues. When we don’t talk about our issues, I don’t feel like her boyfriend anymore. I don’t feel like a partner to her, which is what adult relationships should be about. In fact, I feel kind of like I’ve been fooled – like I’ve been tricked into longing for something that was never there to begin with. Whereas I thought our intimacy was about love, I now realize that it is about something entirely different for her. I feel a space forming between us, and I’m not okay with that. It’s all starting to spill over into other parts of her relationship – it’s often makes me generally insecure about our relationship, and makes me more prone to become jealous about really stupid things. I love her dearly, and I don’t want this to tear our relationship apart. The problem is so fixable if only she would be willing to talk about on a consistent basis.
Any advice??

Communication

but he calls me his gf and he talks about doing things months from now... ??? He also told me after his other gf that he became verry independant....

I am a guy who loves to spend time with my girlfriend and I would make any sacrifice so I could be with her. I believe since he's got these excuses about an ex he might just be covering up his true feelings for you, meaning he really might not be into you and wants shoulder candy so he can say he has a gf. I know it may sound harsh but really he should devote more time to you and appreciate the time you spend with him.