Day 722

Oh man, the hits just keep on coming.
I’ll let you all in on a secret that the White House doesn’t know.
You ready?
Here it is – Nancy Pelosi is not in charge – yet.
Hysterical right?

I Laugh in Your Face

Did you hear Sarah Wannabe Sanders? Or the Mick Mulvaney? They were whining, “If only Nancy Pelosi was in town we could make a deal.” Blubber blubber, toil and trouble.
Hey Mick, Hey Sarah, FYI Paul Ryan is Speaker of the House. Make your deal with him.
Oh? What? He left town? Too bad, so sad. What’s that? “If only Nancy Pelosi hadn’t left town you could make a deal.” Oh. I see.
Hey, here’s a little sumptin’ sumptin’ from Speaker Pelosi’s office (that is still open – by the way. You know “Open” as in “Open for Business.”) This little Sumptin’ is called “a statement.” It comes from her chief of staff. Let me read it to you, you might be interested. “We have not heard from the White House since December 11th.”
Hum, what does this tell me?
1. You know how to contact Nancy Pelosi.
2. You haven’t contacted Nancy Pelosi since December 11th.
Oh wait, let me do some calculating, if I subtract today’s date from 11 why that was over two weeks ago!
Let me remember – Nancy Pelosi was in Washington then.
So let me conclude that if you had wanted to make a deal with Nancy Pelosi you could have done so over two weeks ago! But you didn’t. Hey, wait a minute, what kind of a scam are you trying to pull? This reminds me of the photo op Paul Ryan did where he got a bunch of Republican buds to sit on one side of a table to show “they were ready to work” but there was no one on the other side of the table. The Democrats weren’t there for the glorious photograph. Oh snap, he didn’t tell them about it.
In this case the White House doesn’t even have that excuse because they’ve contacted Peolosi’s office before, so they know how to do it. They didn’t contact her office so therefore they have no real interest in doing a deal.
The funniest thing about this is Pelosi is not the Speaker! Yet, she has this much power without being Speaker. Imagine what will happen when she takes control?

In other hysterical things. The Trump Administration is cracking down on Welfare Dads. You know those lazy good for nuthin’ men who sit around waiting for their food stamps so they can eat. Not anymore. No sir, Trump is cutting back. No longer will the group that uses SNAP coupons the most be able to get them so easily – white men. Yup, White men use SNAP more than any other group. Wait a second? Isn’t that the group that overwhelmingly voted for Trump? Yeah, you got a problem with that? Talk about biting the hand that feeds you, in this case that hand is slapping you in the face.

In other really really funny stuff the president has threatened to shut off the southern border completely. I don’t know about you, but I envision Trump at a giant wheel valve that he is turning that lowers a gate into a big culvert shutting off it’s flow. I mean, isn’t that the way it works? It’s a big valve right? No? It’s a giant switch. Like in the Frankenstein movies? A huge double pole, double throw knife blade job that sparks and lightning bolts shoot out of as it arcs to make or break a connection. Yeah, that’s it. All trump has to do is jump up, place both feet on either side of the switch, grab the giant knob and yank down on it and magically the border will be closed. (Simultaneously Jimi’s version of Bob’s song “All along the Watch Tower” will play. “Click, Bang, What a hang …” whoops different song.) Wah – Wah – wah – wah “But you and I are not like that. Said the …”

I think we need to have a poster of Nancy dressed as Ben Hur with six white stallions charging as she stands in the chariot, whip in hand, to save the day. Mick and Sarah being crushed under the hooves. Lightning bolts and storm clouds behind her. Mountains riven apart with stormy boiling waters flowing down. Yeah.

“You better watch out,
You better not shout,
Nancy is coming to town.
Yeah.
Nancy P is comin’ to town!”

“She knows what you’ve been sayin’
She knows what you’ve been doing.
So you better watch out.
Yeah.
Nancy P is comin’ to Town!”

The most interesting combination in Washington is Pelosi and Cortez.
Here we have the most seasoned legislator and the youngest woman to ever serve in Congress.
Which one will Donnie have more success with?
A woman that has proven to be the most effective Speaker of the House in decades
or
a former bartender from New York?

I say neither. Personally, I think it will be a case of “slice and dice.”
He will fail miserably with both.

He ran on building the wall.
Those in the real world knew what he was saying was silly,
and it still is.
Just ask the starving white men waiting for food stamps.
Oh, It’s Pelosi and the Dems fault? Got it.

Here’s what I think Schumer ought to do. He should tell Donald that they’ve caved on the wall, that the bill he as president is about to sign has the funding for his wall in it. Listen, Donald is an idiot. He doesn’t read. All you need to do to convince him is to go on Fox and Friends and tell Steve Ducey that the funding for the wall is in the bill. No one reads it. They won’t know. I think they ought to add a provision like “The wall must be made of Flubber. Only genuine American Flubber may be used. None of that crap from China.” Then they ought to take a contingent somewhere and show them a wall being built, or a dam, doesn’t matter. Show them bricks and concrete, tell then they are on the border. The only way they’ll know where they are is if you let them take pictures with their iPhones, which will tell them they are in Newark or Spokane. So no photos other than by a designated rep.
Gotta have a ribbon cutting picture. Of course. Maybe, the pic should be in the National Park with the big stone towers behind. Yeah, it was good enough for the old western movies, it’s good enough for a ribbon cutting. Tell ‘em the border is just south of where they are standing, like six hundred miles south, but south.

Oh man. It’s going to be great. It will be the best wall. Made with steel slats. Each slat will have a stencil on it either saying “Gift of Mexico” or “Given by John Douchebag via GoFundMe” or whomever donated for the slat. Gotta go price steel slats. Inquiring minds want to know. I think we can get a good deal on slats from China, some may give off a hint of radioactivity, but the price can’t be beat.

Five days to Go!

869 Days to Go.

PS “I Laugh in Your Face!”

PS Pro Tip – I don’t usually give out useful information in these screeds, but if you ever want a calendar to look at, you can do the following:
Open up the terminal* on your Mac and type “cal” followed by the year you wish to see,
* That’s the little black box with the icon “>_” in it.

For example “cal 2018”
(Pro tip #2 after typing you must push the key marked “return” !!!)
Will give you the calendar for the year 2018.

“cal 18”
Will give you the calendar for 18 A.D.
Alternatively, you can type “cal” month year and get only the one month.
Here are two examples: