John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Widows and widowers sometimes get trapped in the idea that they're "cheating" when they enter new relationships. (Published 10/13/2015)

Q:

I wrote to you about a year and a half about my feelings I had when I lost my wife, mother, and father. What I was wondering is that I am trying to get along with my life and I have found another women to share my thoughts with and stay with me, but I always feel like I am cheating on my wife and I feel so guilty. Is this just me? I have cried every day for the first year. Thing are better except for my feelings. Thank you in advance for your reply.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Hi Charley,

Thanks for your note and question.

I’ve looked back at your original note to us and our response, in which we explained that while we never compare losses, there are differences in our emotional reactions, based on the uniqueness and nature of the relationships involved.

With what you’ve said in today’s note, we want to direct you to the library or bookstore to get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, it will guide you to becoming emotionally complete with your wife who died. In particular you’ll be able to effectively eliminate that incorrect idea that you’re cheating on her—because that just plain isn’t true.

As to your question, “Is this just me?” The answer is NO!. It’s not at all uncommon for grieving widows or widowers to get trapped in that idea. In a way it’s sweet, but it’s not accurate or helpful.

Most of the thousands of widows/widowers we’ve talked to over the past 25 years tell us that their spouse who died would have wished for them to be happy and to find a mate to share their lives with. Whether or not you and your spouse had ever had that specific kind of talk, we’d guess that it was/is true.