No n00bs allowed!

If you still wear underwear from the GAP & blatantly ignored the content warning and are reading this anyway, don't come cryin' to me when your parentals catch you on my blog. I'm not exactly tactful or a good example for ANYONE to follow.

The day set aside each year to commemorate the birth of my one and only Soul Sister, 17ForeverLisa?

I'M ALL OVER THAT SHIT LIKE SPARKLES ON THE PEEN.

"Because Lisa, your birth is definitely something to celebrate." -MC﻿

Like so many of us Twi-besties, Lisa and I met through the Twitarded blog, a few months before New Moon came out on DvD. We discovered our relative geographical closeness (although we both agree that even three hours is MUCH too far), that we were both sports fans, are close in age, and our husbands share a name. But most of all, we discovered our unnatural, bordering-on-obsessive addiction to some very pretty boys and a series of books & movies called The Twilight Saga.

And the rest, they say, is Twistory.

"To us, she'll always be THIS. Frozen. Never moving forward." - MC

I invited Lisa to my New Moon DvD release party, and by some miracle of faith, she agreed to haul her happy ass to my house in the middle of fucking Nowheresville to hang out with strangers. I think it took all of three seconds before she became a part of our family.

"Bitch, I love you. You don't know how long I've waited for you." - MC

"Whorebag, you are my life now." - Lisa

Since then, we've had some of the most memorable adventures two old, crazy Rob/Jackson lovers could ever imagine. We traveled North to meet the Twilight Junkies Anonymous...

"Pssssst. Lisa. I think they're as crazy as we are." - MC

"I know, right? SCORE!" - Lisa

We shared in the glory of Eclipseward on the IMAX, and then proceeded to spend 2.5 hours looking for a fucking Chili's. Three beers later, we were reduced to trying to catch each other farting & tweeting the .wav files to the masses. I woke up the next morning to discover the bitch had ACTUALLY taped me snoring and put it on her blog. And HELL NO, I'm not linking that shit. If you're that excited about my sleep apnea, you'll have to wade through Lisa's colon blog. ﻿

Our next adventure was my Eclipse DvD release party where my girl agreed she needed to spend the entire weekend in my den so she could enjoy a couple of good ole' fashioned bean flicks to all my TwiPorn.

Our next adventure brought us to New York City where we got in some quality, creepy Rob-stalking, attending both the Water For Elephants Red Carpet Premiere as well as Rob's appearance on Live! with Regis & Kelly.

"We are SOFA KING cray-cray, but Godammit, I love us." - WFE h00rs

Our most recent Twi-scapade took us to the Windy City where we enjoyed some quality time with our favorite Texan, Jackson Rathbone and his fabulous 100 Monkeys in concert at the House of Blues. Lots of Twitards in attendance and Lisa winning a private meet-n-greet made the evening so full of fucking WIN that we spent the next several days smiling like a couple of cats shitting razor blades.

"Yeah, House of Blues ain't ready for this jelly." - Jude

"Jelly? Fuck that shit. We're bacon & eggs." - Mandy & Nic

"OH MY GOD it's Lisa's Birthday!" - Jax

So dear Lisa, all kidding aside, I want you to know what meeting you has meant to me. It's meant finding that rare soul with which you can share a deep passion and understand its roots. It's meant knowing that the very moment that awesome photo or video clip hits the interwebs, three hours away someone who "gets you" is squeeing just as loudly as you are. It's meant having a person....that person, your person. The one who doesn't make you feel ashamed, or silly...who doesn't belittle you for loving what you love and pursuing your passion.

Lisa, you are MY person.

"Bitch, I love you. Let's get eaten together." - MC

"You had me at eaten." - Lisa

"Word." - MC

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA!

Here's to many, many more adventures in Twi-fuckery with my one and only Soul Sister.

I don't normally read Lainey's blog because I'd rather spend my nine hours a day in front of the computer working very hard at my job, being a dilligent, dedicated employee and making myself indispensable in the workplace.

Well, that and the occasional tweeting, blogging, reading fanfic, surfing Tumblr, online shopping and social networking.

But yesterday, someone dangled the sparkle peen in front of my face and I did what any self-repsecting h00r would do. I chomped. And I'm not sorry.

First, it was interesting to learn that Lainey hated the book Breaking Dawn as much as I did. Stephenie Meyer should have named this book Freaking Yawn. Aside from the honeymoon and the 12 or so pages of vampire sex in the cottage, IT. WAS. BORING. I forced myself to keep reading in hopes that Edward would crush Jake's larynx with a smile on his face and say something like :

"I've been waiting four fucking books to do that, you pedophilic pussy."

I plowed through the second half of Stephenie's word vomit, literally praying that there'd be a vicious, venomy battle where Edward would exact his revenge on Felix for the Volturi chamber beat down, and Bella would torture Jane by yanking out that fucking ridiculous bun hair by hair.

And until the final page, I held out hope that Bella would sprout a pair of testicles and tell Edward to cheer the fuck up or she'd suck the joy out of him through his Penis De Milo. And that he'd take her up on it.

Wow...that's ummmm.....disappointing.

As you all know, none of that happened. What we got instead was the vampire equivalent of the final courtroom scene in A Few Good Men. Lots of political posturing, mental manipulation, shouting and in the end, nobody really won. Only ONE vampire dies, and no one actually gave two shits about her anyway. Irina who?!?

The penalty for being a tattletale in the vampire world is death, apparently.

So when Lainey said in her blog:

"VAMPIRE SEX ...they start mashing up against each other without restraint. Especially him. So there are a lot of accelerated motion quick cuts – him on top, then her on top, the camera’s speeding around them, they’re speeding around each other, like porn on 30x"

Idied a thousand fucking blissful, euphoric deaths.

Please, God (Bill Condon), I beg you....let this be true. PLEASE!

And this:

"I’m told there will be a battle. You will “see” a battle. A vicious battle. And ...Some Cullens die. Wolves too. It’s total carnage."

I love carnage. Carnage is my friend. But wait one fucking minute. Cullens will die?!? Which Cullens?
I love the Cullens! And Wolves?

Well...I'll have to be honest and admit that both Jared and Embry have "expendable" stamped on their foreheads. They were marked for death from the day Condon got his hands on that script. Yep...in my mind, those two chicken-chomping, muffin-sucking hairballs are already dead and buried.

Sorry, boys. Aro's bustin' a cap in yo' asses.

But which Cullens are expendable?!?

It took me exactly 1.77245 seconds to figure out which Cullen falls victim to Condon's red pen of death. In fact, to me, it was ridiculously obvious. C'mon...you're thinking the same thing.

You know you are.

Tits to the tile ladies...you have to know it's gonna be:

KAPOW!!!

And if you really think about it, Emmett too. Because what would the ending be without a few tears?

So...what do YOU think? I'm very interested to hear your thoughts and theories. If it goes down like this, what kind of uproar will occur in the batshit crazy fandom? Protests on the steps of Summit HQ? Rioting in the streets of LA at the BD 2 premiere?

***Pulls spoon out of shit pot and stands back to watch the chaos unfold...***

What kind of VagSlice would I be if I didn't share parts of my adventure with all of you? So of course, I bring you not one, not two, but three new Cougar's Den Episodes!

Episode #40 was shot in the Hoh Forest just outside Forks.

Hoes Mama Cougar, CullenClanCrazy and TatooMickey all up in the Hoh babyyyyyy!

Episode #41 takes place on Second Beach at LaPush after newly anointed Cougars CullenClanCrazy, TatooMickey and I drank a bottle of Vampire Cabernet on the beach. (***CoughAndMaybeaBottleofWhiteZinCough***)

(Sorry about the rough audio...turn your speakers WAY up - it was windy & shit.)

This third vid is a "quickie" - shot as Mama & TatooMickey, in a moment of true Twitardedness, underestimate the incoming tide and take an unplanned plunge in the Pacific, thereby ruining Mama's cell phone and drenching us both so thoroughly that we had to ride back to Forks in our skivies. Unfortch, Charlie didn't pull us over, because we were totally ready to do nasty stuffs to the Police Chief.

Chief Swan, we've been very bad. We may or may not have committed a felony. I think we might need a cavity search. By the way Chief, we're huge fans of your womb broom. Pornstache FOREVA.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I got an e-mail the other day, from a friend of my oldest daughter who works at the "Family Video". Think a moment about that franchise name and then as you continue to read, let the irony wash over you.

The email said:

Dear Mama, (all the kids call me Mama)

I was sorting in the "back room" yesterday and you'll never guess what I found. Did you know there is a TWILIGHT PORN MOVIE?!?!? Have you seen it? If not, I could bring it to your house and we could drink and watch it. Let me know.

Love,

B

Well, as it happens "B", thanks to my lovers at Twitarded and my soul sistah 17ForeverLisa, I was acutely aware of the existence of said porn movie, but no, I've never seen it.

I just......can't.

Just.......no.

Can't. Dew. It.

"Hey, Fast Eddie, didn't you say you had two brothers? 'Cause I don't have a hole in my chest, but I do have three other orifices just waiting to be filled."

Before you start to imagine me all stuffy and prudish, let me remind you that I used to make my Barbies perform oral on each other as outlined in this previous perverted post. I've seen plenty of porn in my day.

I'm sleazy, lewd and a completely depraved.

Hell, I regularly visit the website for the Tantra Chair because I'm fascinated by the erotic demo videos.

Well....go ahead. You can click the link. I'll still be here when you wake up get back, h00rs.

But the very thought of anyone else pretending to be a manwhore Edward, fucking a Bella with a meat curtains the size of Montana makes me wanna smother kittens. I just can't go there. There's something sacreligious about it...in my warped, deviant mind.

Rob is my only Edward and Kristen is my only Bella.

End of story.

What's a porn lover to do?

EUREKA!

Let's turn the real Twilight movie into porn!

Because in my ill, twisted grey matter, Robward and Krisella can be as hardcore horny and kinky as my mind will let them, as long as they're still my Edward and Bella.

So, in that vein, I bring you my apparently popular (based on the amount of times they were retweeted and the 50 followers I picked up) TwiPorn Tweets!

B - "You're not. I can see what you're trying to jerk off. It's a dick."

E - "I feel....very....erect for you."

B - "So you swallowed me?"

E - "I don't have the strength....to stay out of you anymore."

B - "I know what you are."

E - "Say it. OUT LOUD."

B - "Porn star."

E - "Are you afraid?"

B - "No. Where are we going?"

E - "Up the poon tang, into the stank tank. You need to feel what I can do in your behind!"

E - "And so the Lion fell in Love with the Lamb."

B - "What a horny lamb!"

E - "What a sadomasochistic lion."

B - "About three things, I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was hung. Second, I didn't know how dominant he wanted to be. And third, my anus was unconditionally, and irrevocably shredded by him."

E - "I don't want to have a monster cock. I mean, it's like I can't fully satisfy you."

B - "Come to visit or fuck?"

Billy - "Actually, we just came to visit your flat chest. First pole dance of the season. Jacob here wanted to see it."

E - "What did you expect? Cock rings and floggers and ropes?"

B - "Not the ropes."

E - "Not the ropes."

E - ﻿"Yeah, this is my room."

B - "No porn?"

E - "No, I,...I don't wank."

B - "Ever?"

E - "No, not at all."

E - "You'd better be tight, spunk monkey."

E - "How did you get in here?"

B - "I came on your window."

E - "Do you....do that a lot?"

B - "I like to watch you queef. It's kinda fascinating to me."

There's so much more where this came from. (No pun intended.)

Just think - I haven't even explored the porn possibilities in New Moon or Eclipse!

Come on....I know you VagSlices are just as corrupted as I am. Get creative and share your favorite TwiPorn lines with me in the comments.