"You only have
six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining
his
composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no
medical
insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

** Picture perfect

"You always carry my photo
in your handbag. Why?," the husband asked

his wife.

"When there is a problem,
no matter how impossible, I look at your

picture and the problem disappears,"
she said.

"You see how miraculous
and powerful I am for you?," he asked.

"Yes," she said. "I
see your picture and say to myself, 'What other

problem can there be greater
than this one?'"

** Spare change

Two college students, Frank and
Matt, were riding on a New York City

subway when a beggar approached
them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejected the
man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whipped
out his wallet, pulled out a couple

of dollars and gladly handed
them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanked him and then
continued on to the other passengers.

Frank was outraged by his friend's
act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do
that for?" shouted Frank. "You know he's

only going to use it on drugs
or booze!"

Matt replied, "What...and
we weren't?"

** Vision of beauty

A man left work one Friday afternoon.
But - being payday - instead of

going home, he stayed out the
entire weekend partying with the boys

and spending his entire week's
wages.

When he finally appeared at home
on Sunday night he was confronted by

a very angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a

tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the
nagging and simply said to him, "How

would you like it if you didn't
see me for two or three days?" To

which he replied, "That
would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't
see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came

and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went
down just enough where he could see

her a little out of the corner
of his left eye.

** Driving problems

A police officer on a motorcycle
pulled up to a man driving on the

highway.

"Pull over," the officer
said. The driver pulled over to the side of

the road.

"I'm sorry, officer, was
I speeding?" the driver asked.

"No, but your wife fell
out of the car a mile back."

The man replied, "Oh, that
explains it. I thought I was going deaf!

*** Weird coincidence

Two men were playing golf on
a Saturday afternoon. They were getting

frustrated, though, because the
two women who were playing in front

of them were quite slow, and
were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're
supposed to let us play through?" asked the

first man. The other shook his
head. "I'm going to go ask them if we

can play through...enough is
enough."

He started walking toward the
women, but as he got close, he suddenly

turned around and came back,
white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to
his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have

to ask those women if we can
play through. You see, one of them is

my wife, and the other is my
mistress."

The other man shrugged. He walked
over toward the women, and just as

he was getting close, turned
around and came running back to his

pal. His eyes wide open, he said,
"Small world!"

*** Fatherhood

An elderly couple was having
an elegant dinner to celebrate their

75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leaned forward and
softly said to his wife, "Dear, there

is something that I must ask
you. It has always bothered me that our

tenth child never quite looked
like the rest of our children. Now I

want to assure you that these
75 years have been the most wonderful

experience I could have ever
hoped for, and your answer cannot take

that away. But, I must know,
did he have a different father?"

The wife dropped her head. Unable
to look her husband in the eye, she

paused for a moment and then
confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man was very shaken.
With a tear in his eye he asked, "Who

was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman dropped her
head, saying nothing at first as she

tried to muster the courage to
tell her husband the truth. Then,

finally, she said, "You."

** Dalmatians

A nursery school teacher was
delivering a station wagon full of kids

home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past them. Sitting in the

front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian. The children fell to

discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds
back," said one youngster.

"No, he's just for good
luck," said another.

A third child brought the argument
to a close.

"They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

*** Wrong way

A man was driving down the freeway
when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "John, I

just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on

Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just ONE car,"
said John, "It's hundreds of them!"

** The leaf

A little boy opened the big family
Bible with fascination, and looked

at the old pages as he turned
them. Suddenly, something fell out of

the Bible, and he picked it up
and looked at it closely. It was an

old leaf from a tree that had
been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found,"
the boy called out.

"What have you got there,
dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young
boy's voice, he answered: "I think

it's Adam's suit!"

>> Baby Chickens <<

A city slicker moves to the country
and decides he´s going to take up

farming. He heads to the local
co-op and tells the man, "Give me

100 baby chickens." The
co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns
and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns.
This time he says, "Give me 500

baby chickens." "Wow!"
the co-op man replies, "You must really be

doing well!"

"Naw," said the man
with a sigh, "I´m either planting them too deep or