It’s been a decade or more since we’ve heard about helicopter parenting—and I see it firsthand all over the place—from mothers devoting full weeks of their calendars to potty training a toddler to teenagers who are required to have their homework vetted by a parent. It also explains a recent date I went on, in which an exceedingly handsome (think young Paul Newman) banker spent the evening telling me how insecure he is, about his tight relationship with his parents and his recent anxiety during shirt shopping. “There were so many choices,” said the 41-year-old New Yorker. “I didn’t know what to do. So I called my mom from the dressing room.”

That poor guy is just one product of overbearing parents. In fact, college administrators, psychologists and hiring mangers are reporting their observations, and not much of it is pretty. Earlier this year, a University of Mary Washington study found that college-age adults with controlling parents were more likely to be depressed and anxious. Researchers concluded that this parenting style robs humans of the need to feel autonomous and competent.

Studies like these validate my impulse to shake some sense into hovering parents.

So when I read a recent Wall Street Journal article detailing how leading corporations have institutionalized their support of helicopter parenting in an effort to attract and retain top talent, I was appalled. Appalled!

Examples cited in the story: Northwestern Mutual managers allow parents at interviews and visit parents at home. Google and LinkedIn host “Take Your Parent to Work Day,” while the rental car company Enterprise sends information packets home to the folks of new hires.

Of course, companies will do what is best for their shareholders. But how about what is best for children who are now adults?

Seeking Mommy and Daddy’s Approval

Merrilee Boyack, author of The Parenting Breakthrough: A Real-Life Plan to Teach Your Kids to Work, Save Money, and Be Truly Independent ($15.46 at Barnes & Noble), says that the longer a parent is overly involved in a child’s life, the more damaging it is to both parties. “When parents refuse to allow their kids to make adult decisions, it keeps them in a childlike state,” says Boyack, the mother of four adult children and an estate planning attorney. When asked about parents’ attempts to protect their offspring from making a wrong career move, Boyack says: “Parenting is not product development; it is personal development. Some of our greatest growth comes from overcoming failure—why would you want to prevent your child from growing in such a profound way?”

Denise Schipani, author of Mean Moms Rule: Why Doing the Hard Stuff Now Creates Good Kids Later ($11.18 at Books-A-Million), says that the “letting go” process does not begin at college graduation. “Helping your child be an independent person starts at the very beginning,” says Schipani, a mom of two school-age boys. “Children are constantly telling you in different ways that they want to be independent.” If your kid is in her 20s and is still reliant on a parent for decision making, “you’ve missed a lot of signals along the way,” Schipani says.

Bite Your Knuckle and Let Go!

Schipani urges parents to listen to their instincts as well as to their children. When a kid tells you she wants to put the model airplane together herself, let her, even if you think it’s too complicated. The same goes for walking to school alone, picking friends and choosing high school classes.

I shared with Schipani my own fear that if I reject helicopter parenting of my two kids, now just ages 3 and 5, they may grow up feeling neglected in the face of peers with hyper-involved moms and dads. Do I succumb to the pressure of my parenting peers and micromanage my children?

“You know what is best for your kids,” Schipani says. “Listen to your gut and listen to your kids. Each day, they let you know in different ways that they are ready to go off on their own.”

5 responses to “Helicopter Parenting Gone Too Far?”

The worst part of the article is the fact that companies think a helicopter parented adult is “top talent”. Really? Those emotionally and personal developmentally stunted people are considered the best of the best? Serious? Why?

I thought self-entitled kids with high self esteem way out of proportion to their actual accomplishments were bad. The thought of overbearing parents who think they have the right to intrude on every aspect of a co-worker’s life sounds like a nightmare.

Good point @DahliaPink. I was thinking of indecisive coworkers who constantly hold things up while they consult mommy or daddy. Or ones who had family members come to the office to “fight their battles”. Over the years I’ve seen both a wife & a sister try to do conflict resolution with officemates for their pathetic relative.

The worst part is dealing with so called adults with no social skills to deal with a wide range of situations. They never got to practice figuring out both good and bad of life like a normal person. So how can they ever stand on their own two feet if the parents continue to dominate their adult life?

Do companies really feel confident trusting business decisions to an employee with helicopter parents? I find this shocking.

I’m going to guess part of it is getting the experience and knowledge of the 50-something parent(s) at the price of a newly-minted college grad… and with less security risk than outsourcing overseas but better PR, since they’re hiring Americans…