To live would be an awfully big adventure...

04/19/2014

We Are Here Together

I'm sitting here at the dinner table, the end of nap time is looming near and I really, really wanted to blog today. So, yeah. Sitting here, hands perched over my iPad, hot tea to my right, emptly plate that just held a few slices of proscuttio (I'm addicted) to my left and...

I don't know what to write about. I've been trying for days to sneak in some time to write a new post, but now that I'm here, I can't remember what I wanted to talk about. I guess I'll talk about the obvious - my baby.

Teddy is getting so big, he's grown out of his newborn clothes and is eating like a champ. I am so proud of myself for being able to breastfed him. No formula. No bottles. Just Teddy and Mommy - it's our special time together and I am so thankful. With everything that we went through together, I am so thankful to have this, this one part of motherhood (with him, so far) be just blissfully normal. It's so special to me and hopefully to him, too. I hope that it brings him comfort, joy, warmth and love, and that the memories of his entrance into and the first days in this world are slowly washing away. That he doesn't remember how scary it was to have a tube down his throat breathing for him. The high-frequency ventilator that shook his whole body every second of every minute of every hour and day that it was down this tiny throat. The failed PICC line attempt. The successful re-try. Tubes sticking out of his arms and belly button, one of the four IV machines chiming almost constantly. Drugs dripping from bags into his body. Being medically paralyzed for days so that he wouldn't be aggrivated by all that was being done to his tiny, precious body. Being extubated, his face finally free, only to have his nose covered with that horrible C-Pap machine, lips squished by the plastic. The mask so tight on his face that made him swollen, all while the feeding tube that sustained him hung out of his mouth.

Guys, it was intense. I Instagrammed my way through that part of our adventure, but what I shared was a fraction of what we experienced. There is NOTHING harder than watching your child suffer, at least in my experience. The thought of this boy, this little man whom I now hold day in and out, being put through again what he fought through in his first month and a half of life, well, it make me nauseous. It makes me want to snarl and lash and tuck him so far into my shirt that he disappears. We fought so hard together. Laid in that hospital bed together. He was with me everywhere I went, everyday since that one day in May that he was conceived. We did it, together we beat the odds and made it to 34 weeks pregnant, and the day after he was born they told us twice to come say goodbye. Come say goodbye to the boy who powered through and held on for twelve weeks with a burst bag of water. Come say goodbye to the boy who made you crave cookies and cake and danced the second either of them hit your stomach. Come say goodbye to the boy who was a miracle. Come say goodbye.

When I look down at his beautiful face while he nurses away, so content, so safe and calm, I thank God for giving us this one bit of normalcy in our journey together. He is mine and I am his and we are here together.

Hi Violet, I used to read your blog when you were pregnant with Roman and when he was little..then I stopped reading blogs for a while. Today I thought about you and wondered what you've been up to. Your last few posts made me cry and so happy with the outcome! I'm very happy for you and your little family and your husband's faces in the video made me laugh. Best, Kelley