Author
Topic: Beandipping Badmouthing (Read 5084 times)

I'm not sure if this is in the right place but need some suggestions for phrases to use when Beandipping

There were 4 of us ladies who were quite close but I had an altercation with 'Samantha' at Christmas where she completely crossed my boundaries and I have given her the cut direct. I have no problem with 'Miranda' and 'Charlotte' still socialising with Samantha if they choose (they saw the altercation) and I socialise with them separately. The problem is when Miranda and Charlotte want to share their complaints or stories of Samantha going crazy or vent because I have been in a similar situation and know the dynamics of the friendship. I've gotten abusive phone calls from Samantha telling me to leave 'her' friends alone when I have caught up with them and I just don't want to engage in the drama anymore. I really don't want to spend the time with my friends, talking about someone who I don't want to know and feeling like I'm being used only as a sounding board. Are there any polite phrases to say I really don't want to discuss this person anymore?

Op this can be a difficult situation for sure. I think perhaps the best way might be to completely avoid any discussion about your decision to cut Samantha and instead say something as basic as "I'd prefer not to talk about Samantha. How about those Yankees?"

I've been in a similar situation before and I said something exactly like that, however my Miranda and Charlotte reminded me that when I was having problems with my Samantha, I talked to them about it and they felt it was unfair that I was able to discuss my issues with her but they weren't. So perhaps just make sure you're not in the same boat. That in the past Miranda and Charlotte weren't your sounding boards for Samantha issues.

on Samantha herself, if she calls, don't let her rant at you, avoid the drama by simply not answering (if you know it's her) or hang up as soon as you hear her voice. No explanation, no listening to her rant, nothing. Just don't answer or hang up immediately.

As aussie_chick said, part of the cut is not to accept phone calls from the cut person. If she calls from an unrecognised number, you need to hang up as soon as you hear her voice on the other end of the line--before she finishes the first word if you can manage it that quickly. She shouldn't have the freedom to yell at you on the phone.

One thing I've found handy with bean-dipping is to ask a question, especially asking for advice. It causes people to need to think carefully on something or consider a novel situation, which very easily causes them to lose the train of thought about Samantha. "Yes, I know she's like that, that's why I've cut her out of my life. Now, I've been meaning to ask you something. My niece is looking at buying her first car, and has come to me for advice. Since you know so much more about cars than me, can you tell me ... <technical question>"

Having someone explain something they know a lot more about than you works also. What are some areas they're good at? What are some questions you can ask?

The trouble is, you've cut Samantha, not your friends. If they want to vent, you can't stop them if they don't want to be stopped. Just "mmm-hmm" and "oh" and nod and be as non-committal as possible until they're done, or excuse yourself if it looks like it'll be a long one.