Saturday, January 28, 2012

Hey potheads, and welcome back to Classics of Crap! This week's awesomely bad movie is the infamous 1936 anti-pot propaganda film, Reefer Madness, aka. Tell Your Children. Possibly the most well known of all the "educational" films of the 30's, Reefer Madness depicts several men and women trying pot for the first time. Like most people's first puff of the green stuff, nothing happens. Oh wait, I'm sorry. No, what I meant to say was that the tiniest bit of Mary Jane makes these people go absolute batshit crazy. Killing, molesting, hooking, more killing, gambling, even more killing and finally throwing themselves out of buildings. Cause, you know, pot makes you do that. Reefer Madness has gotten a fervent cult following over the years for its completely ludicrous depiction of smoking pot. In fact, in 2005 they actually made a musical spoof of it starring Kristen Bell and Neve Campbell. It's good, but no where near as entertaining as the real thing. With one watch, you'll be hopelessly addicted!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Hello out there to all you fans of crap cinema. For this week's Classics of Crap we are going to look at one of the embarrassing last movies of one of the all time acting greats. The Island of Dr. Moreau was one of Marlon Brando's strangest performances, acting in a muumuu and pancake makeup alongside a kooko for cocoa puffs Val Kilmer, and a ton of guys dressed as half men, half animals. You see, Brando plays a mad/evil(?) scientist that tries to perfect humanity by combining their DNA with that of animals. I would have read a few self help books, but be that as it may, his experiments don't end well. The "man-animals" (Terl, is that you?!?) revolt and take their revenge against him and his scientific hubris. The whole, don't mess around with nature or it will kill you story, but this time with hyena men firing uzis. This movie is so bananas insane wonky ridiculous, you can't help but enjoy it. Best part- anytime Dr. Moreau's creepy little assistant is around. This character was actually the inspiration for not only Mini Me in the Austin Powers franchise, but also the tiny sidekick character for Dr. Mephisto on South Park. Still not convinced to watch this movie? HE GETS NAKED. You're welcome.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Hey guys, and welcome back to an ass kicking, gut busting, rootin tootin new Classics of Crap. There were a lot of tough guy brawlin' movies in the 80's, but none of them has as much affection or appreciation than the hilariously bad Road House. An instant camp classic when it arrived in theaters in 1989, Road House is a ludicrous movie about a tough (but sensitive!) bar room bouncer who gets caught up in a whole plot of intrigue, including pissing off generic town bad guy Ben Gazzara. On the way, he falls for beautiful Kelly Lynch, while in the movies most random moment ever, a stuffed polar bear falls for a portly 'Bubba redneck' type guy. There is much to like in this overstuffed turkey. The one liners, such as "Pain don't hurt", are priceless. After watching it, you will be so juiced up, you may want to punch somebody. (Probably the filmmakers.) Pain may not hurt, but this movie will.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Something that I've barely touched on in my Classics of Crap series is the romantic comedy. There are so many bad romantic comedies, it's actually kind of difficult to single out the worst of the worst. For some reason, Mannequin leapt to the top (or bottom?) of the pile for me. It is pure, unadulterated awful. The strange thing is, everyone I talked to about seems to have fond memories of this movie. I watched it again for the first time in almost 25 years and was surprised to find that it is far, far worse than I remembered. Only James Spader seems to get what kind of movie this is, and turns in a bizarrely hammy performance. Also, I gotta say, the theme song by Starship is a guilty pleasure, but the rest of the movie is just pathetic. Mannequin? More like ManneCAN'T! *rimshot*

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Hey guys and welcome back to Classics of Crap, where we shine a spotlight on cinema's greatest mistakes. Last Action Hero was a 1993 misfire that must have sounded GREAT on paper. It had the biggest action star in the world in a tongue in cheek action movie that was aware of all the clichés of said action movies. It paired Arnold with a kid, (it worked great in T2), and was loaded with celebrity cameos. Well, as history has shown, it was a dismal failure, due in no small part opening against Jurassic Park. But more than that, it showed that perhaps audiences weren't ready for a "meta" movie just yet. Scream, opening a few years later, was another movie that showed the characters in the film to be aware of movie clichés, but Scream still stood well just as a horror movie, even if you weren't already a fan of the genre. Last Action Hero just laid there, to in-jokey to be really funny to anyone but movie nerds, and not enough real action to satisfy action fans. With the exception of the always excellent Charles Dance as the villain, this movie has been relegated to the bottom of the $5 bin at your local Walmart. Plus, Austin O'Brian is the most annoying kid actor since Jake Lloyd.

Freelance/Questions:

Find me on Facebook!

Like what you see?

About Me

Jeff Victor studied art/design at the University of Kansas and has worked as an illustrator ever since. Some of his clients include Dreamworks Animation, Cartoon Network, Nick Jr. Animation, Warner Bros Animation, ABCMouse, BBC/Create Media, National Geographic Kids, East West Animation, Playstation, HBO, DMS Films/Academy Awards, IFC, Bicycle Casino, K&Company, Hallmark Cards, and Universal Studios: Hollywood.
All images on this site or on jeffvictor.blogspot.com are copyright Jeff Victor and may not be used without permission. All characters/properties are copyright by their respective owners.