69 Thoughts We’ve All Had While Drunk

1. I’m really tired. I’m only going to have this one drink and duck out early.
2. Wow, I’m already a little less tired now.
3. I can’t wait to eat.
5. Why is my mom calling me? Mahm, I can’t talk. I’m at a bar.
6. Do I want another drink… I should really get some sleep, but one more couldn’t hurt. I mean, I’m already out.
6. And they’re literally playing the best music right now.
7. I’ll call my mom later.
8. I wonder where the nearest pizza is…
9. Pizza is a pretty great concept, when you think about it. Each bite has bread AND cheese AND meat AND veggies. WTF wow.
10. I love pizza.
11. I love my friends. Friends, I love you guys so much.
12. I’m soooooo glad these beautiful people are in my life. So blessed.
13. And I’m sooooooo glad we’re bonding. Thank you, alcohol, for cementing these friendships.
14. I literally can’t wait to eat.
15. All I want is some pizza in my mouth, cheese gently dripping down my chin.

16. SISQO?!? FUCK THIS SONG. I LOVE THIS SONG.
17. I need to plant a big kiss on the DJ. I need to have this DJ at my wedding.
18. Awwwwwwshiiiiiiiieeeeeetsooooonnnnnnn. This is my jam. I need to get up on this barstool immediately and let my body express just how much I love this song.
19. I don’t care who’s watching.
20. Except an extremely attractive human is actually watching.
21. OK, act cool. Act sexy. Keep gyrating your torso in sensual circles.
22. Stranger: Am I sending sexy vibrations to you yet?
23. Do I look sexy? I can’t tell.
24. But my limbs have never moved like this before.
25. I’m SeDuCiNg yOU wiTh mY sWiRLs, Boiiiiiiii.
26. Oops, a little cranberry vodka just dribbled down my shirt.
27. Sticky.
28. Oh well, deal with it later.
29. “Do I want another drink?” Are you fucking kidding me? Yes and hurry.
30. I won’t text my ex, I won’t text my ex, I won’t text my ex.

31. “Who wants pizza? Does anyone else want pizza?”
32. OMG I WANT PIZZA SO BAD.
33. Why don’t my friends want pizza? ARE THEY MONSTERS?
34. I will name my firstborn “Pizza.”
35. Do you think Dominos will deliver to this bar?
36. I want to hear Beyoncé. I’m going to demand the DJ to play Beyoncé.
37. This song reminds me of my ex.
38. Don’t cry, don’t cry.
39. Don’t text the ex, don’t text the ex.
40. I have soooo many people I would rather text than my ex. SO MANY.
41. Whatever, I don’t even WANT to text my ex. I’ve moved on. I’m better off.
42. Although… Since we’ve BOTH moved on, it would just be like texting a friend, right? That’s not so bad.
43. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little innocent “How are you?”
44. In fact, it’s human decency to care about someone you used to date.
45. …I should text my ex.
46. OK, OK, one polite, casual text.
47. Text. Coherently.
48. “Heiy; whatasdf up”
49. Will he respond? Fuck. What if he doesn’t respond?
50. Still no response?!
51. “HELLO????//?”
52. OK I TRIED TO REACH OUT AND BE FRIENDLY, YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASS UGHHHHHH.
53. “a;is willl alway;is love;a you”
54. FINE, DON’T RESPOND. I’M BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU ANYWAY.
55. Plan B: Text hookup.