Jared Kushner Fucked How Many Ways From Sunday? All Of Them, Katie

HOLY FUCKING AVALANCHE OF STORIES about Jared Kushner, and how his dimpled butt ain’t got no Top Secret security clearance no more, due to how his dimpled butt is compromised as a motherfucker!

Late Tuesday afternoon, Politico broke the news that, on orders from Chief of Staff John Kelly, Kushner had been downgraded from his first class “Top Secret/SCI-level” interim security clearance, and had to go sit in coach with the other plebes with regular old boring “Secret” interim security clearances. Indeed, Kelly downgraded them all at the same time!

As Politico noted, this is all fallout from the Rob Porter scandal, the one where the White House was harboring a known wife-beater and letting him see Top Secret classified information, despite how a secret wife-beating past could set a person up a to be highly susceptible to blackmail.

Politico failed to note how HILARIOUS this is, because it means that, for now, John Kelly has won. OVER JARED! Who is in the president’s family and who only got his job because of rank nepotism! And for now, Trump is “standing by” Kelly, at least until he sees something on “Fox & Friends” while having a particularly burn-y bowel movement that makes him change his mind:

The president has the ability to grant Kushner a permanent clearance, but Trump said Friday — the same day the memo was sent — that he was leaving the decision to his chief of staff.

“I will let General Kelly make that decision,” Trump told reporters. “I have no doubt he’ll make the right decision.”

Yeah, OK, sure. We bet TEN AMERICAN DOLLARS Trump will find a reason to tell the world to get fucked and give Top Secret clearance right back to his golden boy, because Trump does shit like that. According to Gabe Sherman at Vanity Fair, Trump is VERY MAD at John Kelly, and Jared ‘n’ Ivanka are also VERY MAD at John Kelly, but Trump feels “boxed in” because of Kelly’s memo about security clearances, and knows that if he goes ahead and fires Kelly, the news will be like “LOL that idiot just fired another chief of staff” and “LMAO President Dumbass only did that to protect his criming son-in-law.”

For now, this means Poor Jared won’t get to see the Presidential Daily Brief, which will severely hamper his ability to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and handle Chinese trade and have sleepovers with Saudi princes and play dress-up in flak jackets in Iraq. You know, all the normal “job” stuff he does all day.

Tuesday night, the Washington Post dropped an explosive report shedding new light on exactly why it’s so hard for Jare-Bear to get a permanent security clearance in the first damn place. Is it his constant meetings with Russians — maybe about dropping Russian sanctions, maybe begging for loans for his businesses — that he lies about so much? Sure, but it’s not just that! Is it how he’s constantly forgetting which lies he’s told on his disclosure forms — the financial ones, and also the ones about his foreign contacts — which leads him to have to keep updating them all the time? Yes, that’s part of it! What about how his family real estate business is so totally fucked he tried to recruit foreign investors during the campaign and the transition (and maybe during his time at the White House) to save their asses, particularly related to a building in Manhattan at 666 Fifth Avenue that’s completely upside down and worthless? Special counsel Robert Mueller surely is interested in that! It seems to be related to all these things, actually!

Tell us, WaPo!

Officials in at least four countries have privately discussed ways they can manipulate Jared Kushner, the president’s son-in-law and senior adviser, by taking advantage of his complex business arrangements, financial difficulties and lack of foreign policy experience, according to current and former U.S. officials familiar with intelligence reports on the matter.

Among those nations discussing ways to influence Kushner to their advantage were the United Arab Emirates, China, Israel and Mexico, the current and former officials said.

SHIT. Strangely, those are all the countries J-Kush is supposed to be working on! And he’s been begging Chinese and Emirati investors for a personal business bail-out, or maybe just to borrow five dollars, due to how he and Ivanka can’t pay their Visa bill. This is all just great.

So we have “US officials” who have been reading the intelligence just saying that oh by the way, we’ve caught foreigns in all these foreign lands talking about how Jared isn’t just a chump, but that they’re so excited to make him their chump. Anybody else think it’s interesting that “US officials” are just cold leaking shit like this about Kushner, all while the controversy over these security clearances is super hot? We think it’s very interesting!

This issue has reportedly been all over National Security Advisor H.R. McMaster’s desk, which adds some interesting context to why there have been rumors Trump wants to fire McMaster and send him back to the military. (Gabe Sherman also notes that firing McMaster might pressure John Kelly to resign, which would definitely solve all these problems, for sure.)

According to WaPo, McMaster “learned that Kushner had contacts with foreign officials that he did not coordinate through the National Security Council or officially report.” That seems … not advisable! Especially for somebody like Jared Kushner, who is also very obviously susceptible to blackmail!

It’s also not advisable because clearly Jared is in over his head and is also very dumb:

Special counsel Robert S. Mueller III has asked people about the protocols Kushner used when he set up conversations with foreign leaders, according to a former U.S. official.

Officials in the White House were concerned that Kushner was “naive and being tricked” in conversations with foreign officials, some of whom said they wanted to deal only with Kushner directly and not more experienced personnel, said one former White House official.

Well, why would you deal with grown-ups who can see through your shit, when you can just THEY WENT TO JARED instead?

By the way, the official White House response to all this, from spokespeople like Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is that everything is fine, just fine, HEY LOOK OVER THERE! SQUIRREL!

In summary and in conclusion, we don’t see how Jared Kushner keeps his job if John Kelly and H.R. McMaster also are allowed to keep their jobs. Indeed, Axios quotes a White House official who says, “Javanka and Kelly are locked in a death match. Two enter. Only one survives.”

In other words, this is war, war is hell, and at least for the time being, Jared is fuuuuuuuuuucked.

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