Lets talk about sex

Lets talk about sex

When it was suggested that I blog about sex I thought “brilliant idea! I’ll get straight on to it”. The reason? More people are likely to read about sex in the privacy of their own living room, coffee shop, hairdressers, than to talk about it. I discovered this first hand with my own attempt to use social media to start conversations and I can tell you, ladies and gentlemen, people are having none of it! Not a squeak. It made me feel extremely unpopular so I staged a social experiment and posted something none sex related and got loads of responses. Not that I need Facebook for validation you understand, but rather, I was curious as to whether it was actually that I post about how to combat a dry vagina or other such things that meant I would always be met with silence.

Silence, it would appear, is the go to move for people who do have a sexual problem, or even a sexual question. In a recent survey I conducted a few months ago, I discovered that roughly 70% of those who responded said they would rather “suffer in silence” than seek help for sexual difficulties. This is a really sad state of affairs and indeed, most people come to sex therapy only when they are suffering enormously and either their relationship is on the brink of collapse or they are so low from avoiding relationships all together.

So why do we find ourselves in this state of inertia? I believe it is because we are told that having sex, and lots of it, is what makes us a worthwhile man/woman. We need to have an 8 inch penis, and if we don’t we can buy pills, procedures to sort that one out. We are told that out labia needs to be neatly tucked away in our vulva and if it’s not, there is an operation to sort that one out too. We are told we need to be having sex like porn actors, we are told in school that sex is for procreation or in some establishments that we need to be abstaining from sex until we are married. We are told that masturbation is a sin, woman are slut shamed for liking sex, or in some cases, simply for having the equipment to have sex. We are told that a good sex life involves having regular sex (whatever that means) that if a man loses his erection during sex, that must mean he has a problem and he is not man enough, or he doesn’t find us attractive because we are not having porn star sex!

With all of these messages that we are bombarded with, it is no wonder we don’t want to talk about or admit that things are not quite the way we would like. If we admit to needing help, does that mean we are not man/women enough? We are somehow deficient? We measure our success in our relationships on the sex we have, yet we have the most appalling bench mark to measure against. We suffer from sexual shame that does not belong to us. It is something we have inherited from others. The desire to have sex may come naturally to us but the ability to have good, satisfying sex doesn’t always. Sometimes, we need good education, sometimes we need permission to enjoy it, sometimes we need permission to have less or more of it. We need to be able to talk about our desires and wants with our partners, what turns us and what doesn’t. We need to be able to be free to be our sexually authentic selves, which may include being as slutty as a porn actress or whipped to orgasm. Or once a month vanilla sex with the lights off.

So ladies and gentlemen, how do we talk about sex? I will leave you to ponder…………

The North East sexual therapy practice that helps couples and individuals across Tyneside, Newcastle, Sunderland and Durham who are experiencing psychological, emotional and physical problems with their sex lives.