“Happiness is not a destination, not something to be pursued. It is the way we live.” ~ Galen Pearl

Are you happy? Really happy? Do you want to be?

Most of us have at least had moments of happiness. We’ve experienced joy in spurts. For countless numbers of people, happiness is one of those fleeting things, difficult to hold onto, impossible to save for a rainy day, here again, gone again, like a whisper or a shadow or a puff of smoke.

So how do others always (or at least usually) seem to stay so doggone happy? How do they hold on to what seems so elusive to many others?

Insight into Happiness

My dear friend, Galen Pearl, has some insight into such questions. As a matter of fact, she’s written a new book on the topic, a book for which I’ve had the honor of providing a blurb for the back cover (that alone should be enough to get you excited about getting your hands on a copy! :)).

I’ve approached this book review a little differently than most. Each of the 10 steps is introduced by a teaser quote from 10 Steps to Finding Your Happy Place (and Staying There). While the quotes are hers, what follows each quote are my thoughts based on the ideas she presents, not necessarily endorsed by Galen, I must add.

Perhaps not your typical review format, but I’m just odd that way. 🙂

10 Steps to Finding your Happy Place … and staying there!

Step 1: Give Yourself Permission to be Happy

“For much of my life, I saw the universe as hostile, full of catastrophes waiting to happen as soon as I relaxed my guard. The eventual realization that this belief was actually a choice … was a life-changing moment” ~ Galen Pearl

If we see life as a thug in a back alley waiting to mug us, life will seem to sadistically play the role we’ve given it quite well. But it’s less that life will mug you more often, than that you will simply notice less often all the times life isn’t mugging you.

So by comparison life will seem to be leaving you bleeding in the alley more often than it really is.

Still, when we go through life tense and on the defensive, waiting for boogeymen hiding around each bend in the road to spring out at us, the more often we will, in fact, find boogeymen.

This is because we so expect them to be there that we often create the conditions that lead to the very problems in our lives we wish we didn’t have. This further reinforces the perception that, indeed, life carries brass knuckles and uses them quite liberally.

And that attitude is not conducive to happiness.

Step 2: Decide if you want to be Right or Happy

“The choice between being right and being happy invites us to explore our underlying assumptions about our own knowledge.” ~ Galen Pearl

Happy relationships matter to our personal happiness. But so often we inflict little wounds on our relationships to protect our egos in our insistence that we are all-knowing enough to declare with great certitude that we are, in fact, right.

There are times we may be, but a little more humility goes a long way to better relationships, more happiness in marriage and friendship and access to increased wisdom as we open ourselves to new perspectives. When we insist on our right to be right, we often undermine the very happiness our egos fight to protect by making such absolute declarations.

Step 3: Give up the Delusion of Control

“If you don’t have children, you might still be under the delusion that you can control things. Children are God’s cure for this.”~ Galen Pearl

We sometimes think we are in control of our lives, that we have it all planned out and can therefore predict what’s around the next corner. Then life strikes, sometimes mercilessly and often without warning.

The illusion of control vanishes as we rush to grab as much of our lives as we can, hoping too much doesn’t slip between our grasping fingers.

The thing is that when we hold on too tightly, we end up squishing all the juice from our lives. Standing too rigidly against the wind, ends in splintered lives of disappointment.

Instead, learn to bend in the wind. It keeps you from snapping so often. If everything is a weighty matter, then your shoulders will soon collapse under the constant weight and pressure of living. We need to learn to loosen up a bit to find that happy place.

Step 4: Feel your Feelings

“We see our feelings as an automatic response to outer stimuli we can’t control. We are at the mercy of other people and events. We become feeling victims.” ~ Galen Pearl

Feeling victims. That’s a great way to describe those who feel like no matter how hard they try to be happy, there’s always someone or something that robs them of that elusive experience. They are ships on others’ seas. They blame life and circumstance, the past, the economy, the weather, traffic, whatever.

But one of the secrets to happiness is to take responsibility for our own feelings. Our emotions are the result of how we habitually interpret life. Happiness will therefore forever remain elusive until we accept that we are in control of how we feel by being in control of the meaning we attach to events and circumstances and how we perceive those things.

Step 5: Make Haste to be Kind

“Kindness done in secret is often the most delicious.” ~ Galen Pearl

Kindness in the open is still kindness. But kindness done in the dark is an unfiltered sort of kindness, divorced from social applause. It is an authentic expression from the core of who we are.

It ignites something inside of us. We come alive. We love more and feel more and hunger to bless and serve and lift others, filling life with more purpose, significance and meaning.

Instead of connecting at the level of me, the blesser blessing you the blessee, we connect at a much deeper place, at the level of soul to soul. Service becomes the vehicle by which love is expressed and compassion extended. Both blesser and blessee become two sides of the same coin, mutual expressions of gratitude.

Step 6: Judge Not

“I’m not okay, and you’re not okay, but that’s okay.”~ Galen Pearl

Perfectionism is the sin of conceit. It’s the arrogance of expecting perfection. (<– Tweet this!) I don’t know if Galen would agree with that evaluation, but she treats the idea of self-judgment very compassionately. The quote above doesn’t stop where I ended it, in fact. It continues this way: “It’s better than okay. It’s perfect.”

And so it is. We can only be where we are. And the next step in life is only made possible by being here at the step you find yourself now. Getting to the end of the track can only be had by starting at the beginning. So why bemoan the beginning? Why complain we aren’t somewhere else? We’re here. Be here. Now step forward. That’s how life works.

Step 7: Practice Compassion

“If I can reinterpret a perceived attack … as a call for love, then my heart stays soft and open.” ~ Galen Pearl

What a wonderful way to look at the angry driver, the backbiter, the offensive associate, inconsiderate neighbor and even the abusive parent. Seeing bad behavior as calls for love opens our hearts for compassion and empathy.

Compassion swings the door to our hearts open a little wider than it would have been otherwise. It paves the road to forgiveness and charity … and to more happiness.

Step 8: Forgive Everyone

“How many petty affronts, real or imagined, have you held on to long past the expiration date?” ~ Galen Pearl

What a delightful thought—even offenses have expiration dates! If only they would automatically expire! But since they don’t, Galen helps us take the steps toward expiring them ourselves.

Once we have reached what Galen calls radical forgiveness—gratitude even for the challenges others impose on us that have nonetheless helped shape us—we are finally freed, liberated from the ball and chain of history.

Anger, offense and resentment evaporate, leaving a purity of joy, a happiness that is the result of a soul that is at peace with itself and the world.

Step 9: Develop an Attitude of Gratitude

“As I live and breathe gratitude, an amazing thing happens. I fall in love with my life.”~ Galen Pearl

I love gratitude and have written a bit about it recently (see here, here and here to see what I mean). All of our lives consist of good and bad. But it is a sad part of human nature that seems to focus on the bad over the good.

When we get in a fender-bender at the end of the day, that’s all we tend to remember about that day, even if every other moment leading up to the dent in the fender was absolutely beautiful.

We even talk that way. We say things like, “That ruined my day!” But wait a minute! Stop and think about that. Does it really ruin your whole day? Really? Why?

Why does one bad thing ruin all the hundreds of little good things that happen in any given day? Why don’t we say things like this instead: “That bad thing is drowned in the sea of good that happened to me today, so I guess I won’t even think much about it!”?

Step 10: Be Here Now

“If you look at a map of your life, you will see a little red arrow pointing to the present moment. You are here. Right now. There is no place else you can possibly be.” ~ Galen Pearl

And so we are indeed, right here, right now. We can’t be anywhere else. And yet we so often find ourselves projecting ourselves into the future, agonizing over things that haven’t come to pass (and most likely never will).

Or we spend our present moments regretting the past, feeling guilt for things we cannot change or have already dealt with.

But happiness isn’t something we can pull from the past or draw on from the future. It can only be experienced under our feet, in the present moment. The more time that is spent here and now, the less will be spent wallowing in regret or anxiously worrying about unlikely futures.

Afterthoughts

While perhaps the only books I’ll ever I agree with 100% will be the books I author myself (and I’ll likely have some arguments with the author of those as well!), Galen has put skilled pen to paper to create a guide to happiness that will touch your heart if you have a heart to touch!

Did I tell you how much I just love Galen Pearl yet? She’s an amazing woman with heart, wisdom and authenticity.

A former hippy turned law professor, turned adoptive mother of five, turned martial artist, then blogger, discussion group and retreat organizer, happiness expert and author, Galen has lived a full life of giving and doing and serving and living.

Here’s another glimpse into Galen Pearl’s soul: 100% of the proceeds she earns from the sale of her book will be given to the Edwards Center, a nonprofit organization providing services to adults with developmental disabilities.

Galen’s 10 Steps to Finding your Happy Place (and Staying There) will be a treasure to whoever picks up a copy to read. But, of course, that won’t be the case if you never buy the thing. 🙂

(PS: While I’ll get a small “thank you” sum (pennies, really) if you make your Amazon.com purchase through my site, I wholeheartedly recommend 10 Steps to you – and would never recommend any book or program I would not benefit from myself)

Click the book image to purchase your copy from Amazon.com today:

YOUR TURN!

I would love to know your thoughts in the comments below—on happiness, Galen’s book, whatever. And perhaps we can coax her over to reply to some of the comments as well.

If you liked this post, please Like and Share it using your favorite social media share buttons below as well—if, indeed, you did like it, that is. 🙂

PS: Steve Aitchison of Change Your Thoughts is hosting his annual Top 50 Personal Development Blogs of 2012. Be sure to follow the link over to his place to vote for your favorite. Just add a link to the site you vote for and a one-liner reason for your vote. Check it out here. Oh, and by the way, if you happen to vote for me, I promise to blush a little.

42 Comments

One of the primary reasons for this is that so much of our emotional response is buried in our subconsciousness. It takes a lot of work and digging deep to understand where our emotions are coming from. From here we can take control.

Great point, Dan. I also think that most people never do much about changing how they feel because they think it’s something automatic and outside of their control. And perhaps “control” is the wrong word. Still, we don’t need to be victims to our feelings. We can actually change the way we feel about something, in part, by changing how we view it.

Dan and Ken, You have both identified my own challenges. For years, I kept my feelings buried because they did seem outside my control. Learning that I did not have to be so much at the mercy of my big, scary feelings, gave me enough courage to do some of that digging. Once they were out, I realized that they were manageable.Galen Pearl recently posted … Grieving Over Welcome Changes

i like point number 1 so much
sometimes we are the ones who prevent ourselves from feeling happy
choosing our emotions is possible to a certain extentfarouk recently posted … Why women let themselves go after marriage

farouk, Although many of the steps are not really sequential, you have pointed out the one that really is the foundation for all the others. No matter how kind or grateful or forgiving we are, if we do not allow ourselves to be happy, nothing will bring us true joy.Galen Pearl recently posted … Grieving Over Welcome Changes

I’m going to love this book!
From what you tell us in this review Ken, Galen seems to say so much in her quotes that we didn’t realise were true, until we read them.
I’ve ordered it and look forward to a fascinating read.Linda Hewett recently posted … 10 Undeniable Reasons Why You Need To Join Our Confidence Forum

I trust you’ll love it, Linda! Galen is such a personable writer. Her personal stories are filled with inspiration and warmth and new ways of looking at life. The hardest part of writing the review was choosing which quotes to leave out!

Let me know if I was right in my prediction once you’ve read it, okay?

I LOVE that attitude, Vidya! “If I don’t have a big thing to be happy about, I just add up the little stuff and savor them.” That’s awesome!

Proof of my blushing? Hmmm. Not sure how to produce that! 🙂

As for the email, you see, there was this ninja and a government plot against me and an earthquake and a tornado and flood I’ve had to deal with lately that have impeded my ability to … wait, you mean you’re not buying it? What?

Okay, the real reason is that I wanted it to come at the perfect time and have sensed the moment wasn’t right. Er, I mean, I was waiting for anticipation to mount so that when I do reply, you will be so surprised that, uh … well, the thing is, I tried to reply but cybercriminals …

Seriously though, Vidya, I will shake the cobwebs of my forgetfulness and write soon. 😉

Talk about happy! Vidya, you are a shining star of joy in cyberspace. Ken, I don’t know what this blushing is about, but I’m definitely curious about your method of proof.Galen Pearl recently posted … Grieving Over Welcome Changes

This does look to be a great book! I am definately going to check it out! I have recently been reading A Rebel Chick Mystic’s Guide by Lisa Selow (lisaselow.com if anyone wants to take a look). It has really helped me on my personal journey, and helped me to learn more about getting to where I need to be in my life and doing it my way. And then this book about learning to stay happy once you get there…brilliant! Thanks so much for this post!

I’ve seen reviews of the book, but haven’t read it yet, Katy. I’ll be sure to see about getting a copy. I’ve heard lots about it. Just so much wonderful material to read out there. Glad you found the post helpful. Galen does a wonderful job at presenting ways to increase our happiness in such a personal and compassionate way.

Comments are not off. Not sure why it didn’t work for you. Glad you liked it and hope it works when you try to post a comment again. I will look forward to reading your comment, as I know it will be interesting.

If I remember, I tried to leave the comment while at work during my lunch break. The comments feature may have been blocked here — lots is. I can see comments, but there’s nothing to enter a new comment into. I’ll take a look at home and see if the comments section shows up there.

I absolutely meant what I said, Galen. Thanks so much for coming over to reply.

I have to say, I had a lot of fun doing the review that way. And like I told Linda, the hard part was choosing what quotes to leave out. So many good ones to choose from.

You’re too kind, Galen. I’m thrilled to have played any role in encouraging you along a wonderful path that has been exciting to watch unfold. You have so much to offer the world. So I thank you for offering it so tirelessly.

Great ideas Ken. I especially like the concept of experiencing one’s feelings. We can avoid so many obstacles in life and be more happy by recognizing that feelings are a normal part of being human and can help us grow and succeed instead of impeding our progress.Guy Farmer recently posted … Be Happy with Who You Are

Galen makes that clear in the stories she tells in that particular chapter of her book. Worth checking out for sure. We certainly are feeling beings. And all our feelings can help us as we navigate the waters of life. The problem is when we get stuck in our feelings or use how we feel to justify lousy behavior or have feelings that are hypersensitive and self-destructive.

I loved your review of Galen’s book, which sounds amazing. Before I go onto some of your thoughts, I just wanted to say I loved the way you did this review. I didn’t find it odd. I just found it as Ken being Ken, very creative and imaginative.

Ken, I could resonate with so many points you made, my friend. What you wrote about compassion was so true. Practicing compassion I’m beginning to believe through my own experience, can be the single most effective practice for personal transformation. Doing so has the ability to completely change the way we perceive ourselves and others, like magic.

I loved the point you made about kindness too. Kindness practiced in private is extra special and truly authentic. There is something a little too ‘external’ about kindness delivered in public. One needs to be careful they are not just being kind to look good to others.

I would like to wish Galen the very best with her book. She is an amazing lady and a rare individual who has the ability to truly touch our hearts with her writing.

Hiten, I agree with you that Ken’s approach to this review added so much. Isn’t it great when Ken is being Ken?! Thanks so much for your very kind words. You made my day.Galen Pearl recently posted … Embrace Limbo

It seems to be becoming my mantra of late, that we will get the most mileage in personal growth by concentrating on the root of character. As we develop courage and compassion and kindness and humility and perseverance and the like, the core of who we are grows, making most other areas of our life significantly better as a result (I have a post scheduled for near the end of this month on the topic, for that matter).

As for Galen, I couldn’t agree with you more. The more I get to know her, the more I love her example of compassion and kindness and decency.

Simple. But not easy. Growth is never easy because we are going against perhaps years of habituated behavior, human nature and often, social pressure.

Galen does a wonderful job at reminding us that we will stumble … over and over again. That’s to be expected. We are imperfect beings and that okay. The point to life, I think, is to keep at it, picking up a lesson here and there, taking a step at a time, going at a pace that stretches us, but that’s possible, sometimes resting for a spell, than getting back at the process of living, of growing, of learning happiness again.

So don’t get discouraged, okay? Just a step at a time is all it takes to get up the highest mountain or into the deepest valley or across the longest plain. It’s not easy. Never has been since the dawn of humankind. But the basic principles are simple enough to understand. But to consistently apply them, to reprogram the way we think, to overcome our obstacles, that takes something from us. But it’s all worth the effort, Katie.

Kati, there is a story about Father Keating that I find so reassuring. After leading a time of centering prayer (which involves using a cue word to bring our wandering attention back to God), a nun came up to him very discouraged. “Father, I am no good at this. I had to say my centering word a thousand times!” Father Keating smiled wide and replied, “That’s wonderful! That’s a thousand times you were connected to God!”

So I think that every time we make a choice that opens our hearts, that is one moment that we are connected to God, or the universe, or whatever word you want to use. And if we realize later that we missed that opportunity, then that’s wonderful because we are developing self awareness and will be more likely to choose wisely the next time.

Perfectly said! It is exactly all we can ask for. We step, stumble, learn, adapt, try again, take a step or two, fall back, get back up, brush off our knees, and try again. Then, over time, we look back and notice a plodding sort of growth that takes us closer and closer to the goal of a fulfilling life of purpose and meaning, a character worthy of self-respect and the growing warmth of happiness that is the result of taking those daily steps.

That was some great tips Ken! We seem to forget that we are responsible for our own happiness and expect our partner to fulfill our needs. The recipe for a happy marriage and a happy life in general – is to take responsibility for our own happiness – and your 10 steps will certainly get us there, especially if we apply them on a regular basis.Karen recently posted … Recipe for a Happy Marriage – Ingredients for a Good Marriage

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About Me

My name is Ken Wert, the founder of M2bH. My purpose here is to teach you how to live a richer life of greater purpose and meaning, of mind-blowing possibility and deeper, more soul-satisfying happiness than you ever dreamt was possible. Join us on this happy adventure as you learn how to unlock your hidden potential to enjoy the rewards of a life well lived. Read more ...