Derisive diatribes about the state of the nation, nation states and swerving leftward

7 December 2004

Swerving upward

The EPA has found rocket fuel (perchlorate) in the nation's milk. "The FDA investigation found the toxic additive in 217 of 232 samples of lettuce and milk from 15 states, including areas not
previously known for perchlorate contamination." In an investigation of this find, Swerve Left reporters recently interviewed the Bush administration's Chairman of the Council on Environmental Quality, James L. Connaughton.

Swerve Left: So James. It would seem that the Bush administration's promise to make our "air, water, and land cleaner" has not been entirely successful.

Chairman Connaughton: Well, actually, this is the problem with the liberal media. There's a tendency to take a myopic and negative view of every news story without looking at the big picture. The U.S. has set high goals for the next decades. There are even plans at this point to put a man on Mars. None of this will be possible if we wallow in negativity and fail to line up behind the president.

Swerve Left: Sir, what exactly does Mars have to do with perchlorate.

Chairman Connaughton: Like I've always said before, our nation's policies need to be integrated, whether it be the war on Iraq, our efforts to help our big businesses grow, our space program, or our environmental program. Now Karlo, I don't need to tell you that the effort to put men on Mars is no easy task. If we're really going to go forward and get the job done, we need men who are self-directed, and even self-propelled. In other words, men who are able to leap forth from the limitations of a space capsule and propel themselves using internal fuel sources. Milk spiked with rocket fuel is just one of the ideas we're working on.

Swerve Left: Uhm. I see. Is there uh any science to back up such an innovative approach?

Chairman Connaughton: We have our teams of creationists working on it as we speak. These dedicated and devout individuals tell us that there is ample precedent for men flying through the air unassisted. It's simply a matter of hushing the negative liberal naysayers, quieting their hateful ideas and homicidal tendencies. As George always tells me, "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."