I actually wrote this one at in January of this year… But I wanted some art to visualize it and asked Derek to draw it up so it would be good art (since he knows how to draw), but he couldn’t find the time… So I decided, “screw it, I’ll draw it, it,ll suck, but who cares…” Then I got sidetracked and forgot about the whole thing… But this week on the Daily Show, they’re having a special report on Evolution, and it made me remember it and it amused me thinking about it, so I dug it out of my drafts folder… And scribbled up the drawings… So, Here you go.

———————————————–
Jan. 2005

Well, last night I woke up at three in the morning and couldn’t get back to sleep… In these cases, I usually just “rub one out” and immediately doze back off, but last night, that didn’t work and I stayed awake, relaxed, but awake. So, Instead, I just rolled around in bed thinking about stuff (God help me) all night long. I ended up revisiting one of my harebrained theories that I’ve had for a long time to amuse myself and it made me chuckle, so I decided to hop out of bed to write about it so I could share it with the class.

My conundrum? Where the fuck did humans come from.

Now, some people subscribe to the notion that an invisible man who lives in the sky created a man out of thin air, and from that man, yanked a rib out of him, and made a woman. Now while that theory makes a whole lotta sense, it doesn’t explain why ape and human DNA are so close to one another. This makes it difficult for me to believe in this very thought through explanation. (Except for the part where the woman is easily tricked by the asshole serpent into eating fruit from the forbidden tree of knowledge, thus damning humans to live in shit for the rest of eternity. That part is believable. And, yeah, I know, Adam took a bite too, but I’m sure that he didn’t know what he was doing… I’d bet anything that she didn’t tell him that it was the forbidden fruit he eating when she gave it to him, then after the fact she probably said, “Ha ha, made you eat the forbidden fruit… God’s gonna be pissed!”)

Okay,… since it’s proven that ape and human DNA are appoximately 97-99% similar to one another, this raises some interesting questions. Similarity in DNA doesn’t outright give evidence to support evolution… So how else could the DNA be so similar, yet apes and humans, while having a lot in common, be so different. And the missing link question… Is there a missing link, and if so what could it be…

Now, most people would immediately assume that Bigfoot is the missing link… It makes sense and is the most obvious conclusion. But, as science has proven in the past, sometimes the most obvious conclusion is wrong, and the truth is a little more “far out.”

How far out?

ALIENS!!!

Hold on, hear me out, don’t click away just yet…

Here’s my theory of the missing link (I’ll summarize it for you)…

I believe that hundreds of thousands of years ago, a couple of teenage aliens (of the hairless cat looking variety) got wasted on some XÃ¢lktÃ gas wine and stole one of their Dad’s spaceships and went joyriding through the galaxy. They came across Earth and they crashed into it. While on Earth, they came across two female apes, and since they were wasted on their gas wine, the apes were looking good… They sweet talked the lady apes and ended up getting some ape ass. But when they woke up sober, they realized who they were with, what had happened the night before, and jumped back in the spaceship and got the hell out of there. Nine months later, the lady apes each give birth to a male and female Alien/Ape hybrid lifeform… BAM! Humans are born into existence! And the male and female hybrids continued the procreation process by inbreeding with each other thus creating the retarded species we have become today.

But don’t take my word for it, the evidence speaks for itself.

Matching DNA
Morph an Ape face and an Alien face together, what do you get. A Human face.
Aliens are smart, Apes are dumb. Some Human’s are smart while most, and when I say most, I mean MOST, are dumb.
Do I need to go on?

See the attached drawing and graphics that I spent all of 2 minutes on and put together to illustrate my theory…

God! I wish I had insomnia more, just imagine all the scientific research I could get done!!!

-Sean

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