Fly the somewhat friendly skies

I'm glad the federal bathroom guidelines for schools have been rescinded. I've been scared to death they'd force them on everybody everywhere!

I used to identify as genderfluid. I was always afraid I'd identify as a girl, go in and sit on the toilet, be right in the middle of a number 2 and decide I was a boy. I don't think I could handle it! What if I got caught?

Since my gender was fluid, sometimes I was non-binary. I never would know which bathroom was mine!

I don't even know what pansexual is. But because of my fluidity, which bathroom was I supposed to use? What if I became non-binary again while I was in one of them? Or transgender?

Now there's a new one I might have had to become in one of my ever-changing fluid moments. There's one called lesbian-heterosexual. What if I felt like a girl (trans) that was attracted to girls (trans-lesbian) and suddenly fell in love with a specific SJW guy (trans-lesbian-heterosexual)? Do we even have a symbol for that yet? Which bathroom is mine?

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After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I told her as soon as her family pays the ransom I will.

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Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

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It's been a rough week.

But on the positive side I didn't need any bail money and didn't have to hide any bodies.

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Why all families need a father in the house.

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I was invited to a party the other night by a co-worker. He told me to dress to kill.

I take it a beard, a turban and a backpack wasn't what he meant.

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pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐᴉlɐɹʇsnɐ uɐ ʇɥƃnoq ǝʌɐɥ ʇ,uplnoɥs ᴉ ʍǝuʞ I

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If Africa had more mosquito nets, every year we could prevent thousands of mosquitoes dying needlessly from AIDS.

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MODERN DATING

Male: May I shake your hand?Female: No. It will violate my ideology or my religion, or it will feel like rape.Male: Do you have any mentally-stable single friends?

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A woman came to my door and said she was collecting for a local orphanage. So I gave her my kids.

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A guy was on the first flight in his life. He buckled in nervously, then asked the lady next to him, "How many times do airliners like this crash?"

She replied, "Usually only once."

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They get around...

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A CNN reporter once asked a marine sniper, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"

The marine responded, "Recoil."

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"I've never flown before," a nervous lady said to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't you?"

"All I can say, ma'am" said the pilot, "is that I've never left anybody up there before."