Rejoice! King Cutler Returns

As the preseason QB carousel goes round and round, there is one QB who is noticeably absent from the action. Once Ryan Tannehill’s season became uncertain, that QBs name came back to the forefront. Colin Kaepernick? No! Jay Cutler. He’s the guy you call when you need QB help!

For football and political reasons alike, there can be an argument made as to why Colin Kaepernick wasn’t contacted by the Dolphins. So this naturally leaves Jay Cutler. He boasts a 69-72 winning record for his career. He reached the postseason once. He has 146 career interceptions (4 of which came from one game thrown to one guy). When the chips were down, Adam Gase turned to someone who knew his system and he had to look no further than Jay Cutler. Under Gase’s innovative offense that plays to Jay’s strengths, he had one of the best seasons of his career and carried the Bears to a 6-10 record. Needless to say, this was the ONLY option for Gase’s Tannehill replacement.

Here are some reasons why you should be excited about Jay Cutler’s return:

3. Fitness

If there’s one thing we know about Jay, it’s how hard he goes in the gym. Just look at this pic he took in the offseason.

However, Jay had to take a break from his strenuous regimen to prepare for the rigors of in-game broadcasting. A seasoned vet such as Jay Cutler has earned enough goodwill that the Dolphins likely signed him without working out. When asked about his fitness, he responded with:

“The good thing is I play quarterback, so I don’t have to be in that great of cardiovascular shape”

Whew, I’m glad he cleared that up.

2. Natural Born Leader

Jay Cutler is a natural born leader. Coaches trust him to set the tone. Look no further than what former teammate Martellus Bennett had to say about him.

1.5 Heart of a Fighter

Remember the famed 4 interception game vs Deangelo Hall? One might ask how a QB is allowed to even toss 4 interceptions, let alone to the same guy. When asked about this decision, Jay Cutler said:

“I’ve played against him before, there’s no reason to shy away from him. I mean, that’s hard for me to say throwing four picks at a guy. But I’d still, if we had to play them tomorrow I’d go at him every time, if we could.”

So yeah, calm down, Deangelo. You’re no Primetime. You’re “just another player” as Jay Cutler also said. He stares fear right in the eyes then throws the ball into its hands. He doesn’t care who you are. You don’t scare him. He’s Jay Cutler. He’s so bad ass, “Jay” doesn’t even stand for anything, it’s his birth name.

1. The Great American Rivalry

Magic vs Bird?

Rocky vs Apollo?

No, no, no.

Jay Cutler vs Phillip Rivers is the greatest American rivalry. These guys make it no secret that they hate each other.

Nobody quite knows when this beloved rivalry started, but some pinpoint it to Jay’s stint in Denver. During a tremendous beatdown, the Archduke of Athens, AL taunted Jay.

Jay:

As you see, there’s no love lost here. Philip Rivers hates Jay Cutler more than he loves making babies every 9 months. Jay Cutler hates Philip Rivers more than loves admitting he hates football.

Well, the football gods looked out for us. Mark your calendars! On September 17th, the Dolphins roll into wherever the hell the Chargers play out now to face Philip Rivers. It undoubtedly will be a grand ol’ time.

Say what you want about Jay Cutler, but he’s been the NFL’s greatest B-plot for years. Nobody else embodies mediocrity quite like him. Nobody else has the talent he possesses but still makes the conscious decision to suck because being good requires too much work. Jay Cutler does things one way: his way. So here’s to you Jay Cutler (raises an imaginary pint of beer), the QB who sucks on porpoise.