Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Dreams

I was gonna talk about these dreams on the other post, but I thought I'd be overdoing it. So here goes to my separate, more sophisticated post =)
I will only talk about one of my dreams because that one is the only one I can clearly recall and what I researched on (yes, research). I've been very curious on why I kept dreaming of her and since I've been going to Barnes & Noble everyday to read the last couple of days (or week), I decided to get usefulllllll reading done ! Here's what I got:

My dream:
Back in the apartments in Chicago, she was sitting there, on here table, looking so young, healthy, beautiful. Then in her living there were tons of bookcases stacked with tons of new toys, and kids books and stuff. They were all new, untouched. My gma had been just leaving them laying around and stuff. It was like she was leaving it for us to come back and get it. She was just sitting there, smiling, while I was thinking of taking some stuff to give to my brother and stuff.

When she was laying in the hospital when I went to visit her with all of my family, she kept talking about going back there, with her grandkids and just die there, happily. My grandma had been living in those apartments 20+ years and she could never forget it. We practically owned the whole building with our families there and those were the good times, when we all lived there together. She raised us all, equally and we appreciated it, everyone one of us. We would sit there at the hospital, her last few days, just talking about the old times. My gma made thanksgiving, christmas, other holiday dinners for our whole families and they were the best. Her food, omg they were sooo good. And about how she loved Old Country Buffet so much. My cousin, Daniel, my grandma and I were walking around our neighborhood one time and my gma spotted a bill on the floor. Oh man was she happy. She was like "time for old country!!" I thought I was the only one who knew, but my cousin was telling me how she was more happy about taking us out and feeding us rather than that she found money. That she was so glad to have found another reason to bring the family together and that she was the one giving us foods.

My brother & I grew up without a father, she replaced him. Doing a much better job. Also for my other cousins, Daniel & Alex. She took care of us, all the time. She never let our moms hit us when we did something wrong. She always, ALWAYS took our side. She made sure we were happy and especially well fed. I'm going to school because of her. She wanted me to. And not go to the Air Force. That is how much I appreciate her...

ANYWAYS BACK TO THE DREAM. Here are the meanings::::::
-Dreams about grandmothers means the "nature of human life" and the "face of a certain death". My grandma is the certain death, therefore I dream of her.
-Death: A certain dead person means that the certain dead person is still alive in the dreamer's mind, in my mind. Meaning, I still haven't accepted the fact that she's dead. Even after I was there when she died, when I saw her dead body at the wake and funeral and saw her get buried. When I touched her cold, hard body.... yeah you know the rest...
-House (or her apartment): Carrying with them revocations of the past. Something that is significant. Her place WAS veryyy significant if anything.
-Toys: Represents what the adult secretly fears in the real life. I honestly don't know what that means...
-Lastly, the past: Signs of regression...yep... Unconscious desire to reconstruct or re-experience the past repeatedly. This whole last month, while the funeral and ish were going around, yeah, I wanted to go back in the past and/or repeat everything. I wanted to see her, healthier, and with everyone. Having fun and not getting together just for her but for various other reasons. But it will never happen, will it?

Cousins and I are getting together this Summer of 2011. It's gonna be great. We even told our parents, "even if you guys don't get the family together, us cousins are going to and be close." They love and support the idea. We need it, especially after everything...

I spent that night, miserable. Everyone was crying and I tried to touch her, she was cold. I tried so hard to warm her hand up... It was impossible. It was harder hearing my uncle screaming for her. He screamed, so loud, that I think she did hear him. She lost her heartbeat, my uncle called and it came back, for a second. I really thought it was a miracle... She was slowly sinking that day. In the morning she moved from a regular room back into a room in the ICU. Her heartbeat went from 80's and dropped at various times and kept doing that all day. None of us knew it was that bad so my cousins and I decided to leave. (When we heard the bad news, my family came down Christmas morning, driving from ny to chicago, in the bad snow. The next few days my cousins from oregon came, then ones from georgia. It was a family reunion but for a bad cause. Then my gma started getting so much better, so everyone who had to leave -for work and stuff- left. Back home leaving my aunt from Georgia, my two cousins from oregon and me behind.) We were exhausted from being at the hospital every morning til nighttime and wanted to go rest. My aunt called, we rushed over. Once we got there, my aunt told my grandma (who by then was pretty much almost gone) that her grandkids were there. She was gone by the next minute. I think she was waiting for us, wanting to say her last goodbyes. I didn't tell my mom till my gma was totally gone and I had settled down. My uncle kept screaming in the room trying to get my gma to wake up. When we found a beat, we called the nurses to come and try something. They said they couldn't, so they didn't. My aunt from Oregon was going crazy. And my other relatives who lived in Chicago came. It was a disaster. The next few days everyone else came, who had left. At the funeral, everyone was there. Then, gone again.
I never knew this day would come so quick. It was terrible, the worst possible. Losing someone, who is so close and precious to you, is so tough. It's hard to imagine a life without them, therefore I think she's still there. Waiting in Chicago, sick, but still alive. She's not though, she isn't and won't be. I just have to wait till it's my turn, then I'll see her... I miss you. I love you. Rest in peace.

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