Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Broken

Well, there I was in Cardio Kickboxing class. I take classes 3 mornings a week at my gym, and this one is by far my least favorite. But I take it because I love the instructor and know it's good for my body.

(Side note: Actually, Mary and I borderline worship this instructor. We have discussed how we're afraid that if she told us to run and jump off a cliff we probably would.)

On the best of days it takes all of my physical energy and mental focus to get through the hour long class. The first time I ever attended I was, no joke, seeing black spots before the WARM UP was even finished. But a couple of weeks ago we did a series of moves/kicks that I just could not do. It was fast, it was new, and it involved switching my body weight from one side to the other in a strange way. (Didn't that make sense?) Looking around, I'm pretty sure I was the only one struggling with it. That's nothing new and frankly doesn't bother me. But not only could I not make my body do the move, it started making me dizzy and a little nauseous.

And then. And then I realized I was experiencing a tiny tiny bit of what it's like to be Joshua. Except that's his every day, all day. His whole life. His brain and body are struggling to make connections and pathways that the rest of us do effortlessly. And then I really got sick and ran out of the class sobbing.

I stood out in the hallway of the gym completely broken.

Grieving for his frustration, his struggles. Thinking about how hard he works everyday to communicate, to learn. Crying for how much I love him. I was undone.

But it was good. Brokenness is good. Because it is after we are broken that God can come in and put us back together in a different, better way. He is re-shaping my heart for Joshua and I desperately need that. Because all too often I am frustrated with Joshua and how he's behaving. And I needed a little taste of what it's like to be him so that I can hopefully be more gracious.

A little Joshua update, he is rounding the corner of being potty-trained. We are oh so proud of him! He is also doing a lot better responding to his name and mimicking sounds and words. My relationship with Joshua is the best it has been since Baby A was born and I am so grateful for that.

Hope to be back with another post soon. Way too many things piling up and Baby A turns 2 this month for goodness sakes.