How Often Do ‘Normal’ Couples Have Sex?

At some point in life, many couples wonder and ask themselves, “What is the average amount of sex that other couples are having?” And though the answer is not perfectly clear, sex therapists have said many things about this very topic. Here is what they say, as well as some additional tips to help you get your sex life on track!

The Average

There is some question among sex therapists about what the true average is for couples in committed relationships. The answers can range from once a week to once a month! When Ian Kerner, PhD, was asked how he responds to couples who ask him how often they should have sex, he said, “I’ve always responded that there’s no one right answer.

When couples stop having sex, their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.

After all, a couple’s sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner’s health and natural libido and, of course, the quality of their overall relationship, to name just a few.

So while there may be no one right answer to the question of how often couples should have sex, lately I’ve somewhat been less equivocal and advise couples to try to do it at least once a week.” According to David Schnarch, PhD, through a study conducted with more than 20,000 couples, he found that only 26% of couples are hitting the once-a-week mark, with the majority of the respondents reporting sex only once or twice a month, or less!

However, another study, printed in The University of Chicago Press about 10 years ago, stated that married couples are having sex about seven times a month, which is a little less than twice a week. And in a third study, it was reported that out of the 16,000 adults interviewed, the older participants were having sex about 2 to 3 times per month, while younger participants said they were having sex about once a week.

Most sex therapists agree that having sex less than 10 times a year is reason enough to label your marriage a sexless one. However, a lack of sex does not mean your marriage is in trouble, according to Schnarch. While sex may be the way couples typically express their love and desire for each other, a lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean that you are headed for a break-up, though it is something that you should get a handle on. Dr. Kerner says, “Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list; but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become ‘good friends’ at best, or ‘bickering roommates’ at worst.”

How to Sync Your Sex Drives

There are a lot of factors that need to fall into place to make sex something you are desiring. In many couples, a difference in opinion can be a problem. Al Cooper, from the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, says, “In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex.

“If your sex drives are out of balance, your aim is to meet in the middle, having sex a bit more than one partner likes, but probably a bit less than the other likes.” – Dr. Gail Saltz

No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.” As with every issue in a relationship, sex and the frequency at which you have it requires compromise.

It may seem like a large mountain to climb, when you think of all the other things you deal with on a daily basis. Laundry, work, cooking meals, cleaning, and other tasks often seem more important than a quickie with your partner; but sex can become fun again! Kerner says, “Once we stop doing it, it’s easy to get stuck in a slump; but once we get back on track, we remember how much we missed it. The old adage ‘use it or lose it’ has some truth. So does my suggestion, ‘try it, you’ll like it.'”

At first, it might mean scheduling sex and making the time that leads up to the sex more intimate. Hug each other each day, exercise to increase your testosterone levels, and turn off the distractions, like the computer and TV. If you are still having problems with being able to engage in intimacy, seeing a sex therapist may really help you and your partner land on the same page!

Well I’m 23 and I don’t think it matters about your age it’s the connection and if I want sex I’ll get it from my partner if he can’t provide. Then for another man my legs will divide. Hey I’m just being realistic. I’m not gonna want sexcapades all my life and if I do I feel as if I should have them. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY!!!!! Even if you would die for that person. We all deserve to be pleased.

Good article! We looked into using herbal supplements, it worked great for us. We went from sex one or twice a month to at least twice a week. My partner bought some called ‘hibido’ (i think it was called), worth a look.

Hi I m 30 yrs old and m married for 4 yrs. After 6 months of marriage I noticed my husband’s less interest towards sex. But still we had twice a month or 3. After that it reduced to ones a month and then reduced to after 2 months. If he in mood only then it happens, I can never talk him out or you can say get rejected every time I ask. But since last 8 months it totally stopped. I tried to talk and ask in first few 3 months but always get rejected. After that I stopped asking for sex but tried to talk about his problem or stress but nothing worked. He then said about some work related tension. But after a month everything got resolved but still he complains about his work. He then started to come late from his regular groceries shopping most of the time for a drink, which sometimes turns out a lot. I read somewhere that sex relieves stress so wanted to talk him out. But problem is he doesnt want to talk about these things….. even if i say let’s talk like adults understanding your problem. Please suggest as it is becoming difficult for me to handle things with the question in my head. Should we go for consultation?? He says he loves me…. I would have been least worried if there was cuddling between us like couples have, but even no love cuddling.

I’m a 30 year old female; been with my boyfriend 2.5 years and his sex drive has plummeted over the last year. I’m so glad to know I’m not alone in this. Our relationship is pretty much perfect except for this issue, but it is a VERY devastating problem! He is so loving, sweet, kind, hard-working, generous, appreciative, trust-worthy… everything I would ever want in a life partner. I adore him in every way, but over the past 6 months I’ve had to initiate every single time and repeatedly get rejected. It sucks. It drains my confidence, makes me feel unlovable, and depresses me.

I know he loves sex and enjoys it when we do it, but getting him in the mood is impossible. He blames stress and always seems to have a new excuse… when stressful situations pass it’s like he FINDS something else to stress over.. I guess this is anxiety. When we first met, the sex was electric. When we have it now, it’s amazing still, but he never feels the motivation to be intimate with me. I feel like I’m starving to death emotionally. He swears its not me and that I’m beautiful, etc, but the rejection makes me feel repulsive. Other men are clearly attracted to me and its so painful to be rejected by the person I love. It hurts enough to make me consider leaving. We’ve talked about it multiple times and he’s always considerate and open in the conversation which gives me hope, but nothing really changes.

I’m at the stage where I’m ready to settle down and start a family. He has all the qualities I’m looking for and I am madly in love with him, but I am terrified of getting trapped in a sexless marriage. Especially if we were to have kids! I can see this only getting worse for him since he seems to shut down under stress. Should I run and hope I find someone just as amazing with a better matched sex drive or stay and try to work on this issue with him? Advice anyone?

You’re not alone, I guess unfortunately this is a common issue. I am experiencing the exact same situation, and a very good friend of mine as well… Except that we are married with kids… And we both feel trapped in a sexless marriage, it makes us angry even though we both have loving ” perfect” husbands, they say I love you, yes you’re beautiful, blah blah blah, they help with the kids, the house, etc but don’t touch us, don’t want us, don’t feel the need for it… And we’re both miserable… It makes us angry, resentful, bitchy. I would not do it. I don’t want to live like this, I feel unwanted, unloved, undesirable, ugly, old, miserable, moody, pissed and cheated of the life I was supposed to have. You will end up resenting him, hating him at times… I long for hands touching me, wanting me… It’s very upsetting, I could go on and on, I’m 37, 5’7, 144lbs ( gained 15lbs in the last year), good looking according to others, I know I can be attractive but I don’t feel I am, I feel the opposite. You don’t want to live like this believe me.

Hi , thanks for usefull subject,
I am 27 years old and lady is 19. we begin our first sex together. we run once in 2 night (out of bleeding period).
I have some Goal for my life and need you guide on that.
1- I want to save and improve my lovely life.
2- my lady has a nice body and I dont want to یisassemble it.
3- I want to save my romantic and power of my sex for all days of my life.
thank you.

I’ve been married for 10 years. I’m 33 and he’s 45. It’s been 5 months now without sex. I’m tired of begging for sex. I only ask for once a week before, and sometimes didn’t get any. We won’t have any sex when I don’t ask him first. I’m tired with this condition. Is he too old to have sex? The longest time we didn’t have sex was 8 months. Is this kind of relationship normal? Or should I see a counselor?

Hey, Im 43 and if my wife of age 30 would let me have sex four times a day everyday I would and I could , but she wont have it! Im lucky to get sex 3 times a week which is why I was reading these comments. I would be concerned about your man. If I am refused sex for more than a week Im concerned!! I want sex at least once a day and sex lasts at least 45 min AND I make sure i go down on her everytime. Id give her oral everyday if she’d let me. Ive never been like this with any other woman…its the connection i have with her….so maybe you need a new connection!?

Have you tried talking with him about it? Not in an accusatory way, but letting him know that you enjoy being intimate with him and would like to experience this again and more frequently. You could also try asking him what he’s interested in sexually or creating a journal for the two of you to share your sexual desires without discussing it in person, which might make it more “hot”. Communication can help a lot! Best wishes!

Holy crap, I am reading through the comments on this “article” and am surprised at how many people are complaining about their “lack of sex” from their partner and how they are considering leaving them for it. This is ridiculous to me! A relationship is about more than sex. It is about having a partner to go through life with. Yes, sex is an important part of that, but is not the only or most important thing to consider when deciding if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. There are many many reasons one partner or the other may not be “in the mood” for sex and sometimes there may be “dry spells”. But sex isnt the only way to be intimate and if you can’t connect with your partner in any other way, then maybe you SHOULD reconsider your relationship, but if you go into all your relationships with the notion that sex is the most important thing and theres no other way to be intimate, then those are going to fail as well.
FYI: We have been together for 7 years and have 5 kids and my husband and I usually have sex 3-4 times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. And sometimes in the kitchen, the shower, the laundry room… and sometimes we fall asleep cuddling and thats just as satisfying.

Lol, I think if my husband did me 3-4 / week I wouldn’t complain either, and you’re right marriage is not about just sex, obviously, my husband has everything I want in a man, but the sexdrive… If it wasn’t for the fact that I do love everything about him except that… I would be gone, a long time ago, and because I won’t leave him for that, I am left to feel sad, unwanted, undesirable even though I am not and he tells me I’m not unwanted, undesirable etc… But do I get sex 3 times or even twice a week? No… Yes there are dry spell…and then there is something completely different that you know nothing of.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 3 years. He is the love of my life, I plan to marry this man,have his child,and build a small family. My life would not be complete without him. He is 33 and I am 27. At first, we use to have sex every day,then it went from that to every couple days. Now…we have sex up to 2 to 3 times a month.

And it doesn’t bother me,or him. We don’t hold out on one another,it’s just the way we like it. Were not rabbits,we don’t want to have sex every day…twice a day…we don’t NEED it that much. Our relationship isn’t just based on sexual attraction. It’s based off of mutual respect for one another….extreme love….and yes,attraction. I will love this man until I am old and gray and until the day I die. Sex is not everything….its just a small part. We are happy,and that’s all that matters.

Hi, my fiancée and I used to have sex 3/4 times a day. The past year it has dramatically changed. She no longer has the erge for sex. As of a couple of months she has stopped all contraception to aid her in losing weight.

We do have it about once every month/ month and a half

I still could easily have sex 3 times a day but would really settle for once a week. Everytime I ask or show interest in sex she just shuts me down.

Your wife and you did marry when she was 34. Dont get a shock when you read what I am going to write. You will not like it, but it is most likely true and it may save your ass if you consider it.

For women, their most valuable years are from 18-23. They are most fertile and most “hot”. A women who has been to college/university/working has had many lovers over the years and if she decides to settle past 30 and have a baby it is most frequently a low quality man compared to what she had in her bed in her early 20s.

That would be you. She may have never been attracted to you like she was attracted to that (fictional, hope you get the point) football player and his buddies back in college. Or that biker she used to hang out with after work when she was younger and hotter. You are her old-age-provider. She is not into it for the sex, she wants your resources.

Now that she got her ring AND her baby there is not much more she needs from you. The more you give her, the more she will withhold from you. Best you can do is make clear how much she is going to loose if you leave her (and make damn sure it is realy the case!) and then demand sex once a week as a bare minimum.

What the hell?? Are you new? Havent you heard of cougars? Older women like sex just as much as those in their 20s. After having a child, a women’s libido changes drastically. Physical changes and hormonal changes make it difficult sometimes for women to be in the mood for sex.
Demanding sex is degrading and not how a man should treat his wife and mother of his child.

As per my experience i have doing sex everyday three times , am very happy , without food i can manage , but with out sex i can’t..we are doing sex every day minium three times. Am enjoying sex with different possition & angle. We are very happy for that..any body need advise contact me.

I feel awful for not giving my man any sex. It is a man’s number one complaint, if he’s not getting any. I am 36 and he is 42. We have a 12 month old and I would definitely like another some day. (And, yes, I know I have to have sex to have another.) I don’t know what hairiness because I used to have such a high sex drive. Now, and for past year, (yes, year) I just haven’t been in the mood. I feel awful, and know that I have to TRY… I’m going to just do it and see what happens. Most likely, I will love it again and want more and more… At least I really hope so because he will most likely leave if not. I know he will always be my friend and a great father to our baby, but I do want more than that. Wish me luck!

I have been married for 5 years; our sex life started off great but started to decrease as time went on. I’m 29, he’s 32. We have a 1 year old child; we have sex once a week if he is lucky. He always has to initiate or ask and I have been rejected over and over and over again. he can’t tell anyone how frustrated he is with me I understand this , he’d be happy with twice a week. He has communicated things with me, and I can’t tell him & can’t explain it but i am just not in the mood for it. Although I feel like having sex more often, but I cannot initiate .Sometimes I also feel I can’t even care to pleasure him even if he had tried things like cuddling, and he always help with chores around the house. He has always tried spontaneity and approaching me in different rooms and even trying to book a night away. When we do have sex, he said he feel like I am doing a favour or like he is a nuisance. I am working woman .Most of the time I say always tired and he doesn’t understand this as I am good in all the other things like at my work place, with my kid, with relatives and with the kitchen stuff. All I am doing perfectly but when it come to sex I always become so Lazy to do that. I love him and he says he loves me and we are blessed with one child already. I don’t want to get a divorced because of this. I don’t want to lose him as he is a wonderful human being and a loving husband. So, need some advise as I understand the situation but don’t know the problem?

In other words. Are you attracted to him? Truely attracted to him….which means…even after 5 years, the mere thought of having sex with him makes you hot…even after 5 years. If not…then theres the problem. You have lost interest,sexually,with him…which will affect the relationship in the long run. I know this by experience with my boyfriend,when he went through a long,and severe depression. He never wanted sex…and I felt so detached from him emotionally and physically. You need to understand his point of view as well. When you deny,deny,deny….over and over….he is going to eventually feel like you don’t love him,and that you are not attracted to him anymore. And trust me,that hurts a lot. He is going to feel confused, and hurt. Which will lead to problems if you are in fact,not attracted to him anymore.
If its just laziness, and you truely do love him and ARE attracted to him, then you need to find time. You need to make time for him. Sex is not just sex when you are in love with someone. It’s also very emotional and physical. It’s the closeness you feel to that other person. So when you say no… you are denying him that.

If it’s a physcial problem….like..low libido. Then you should go get tested for that,and see what your options are.

Sex is the most important thing in any relationship. If you care about your relationship make damn sure you have at least sex 1/week. No matter if you like it or not.

You dont like to go to work every day, do you? But you show up anyways, every freaking day.
You may not like sex every day but once per week or you end up as single mom, old alone with 5 cats. That is not a joke.

Hi, Im 27, my Husband 32. We have 3 children. 6,4,and 7months. I stay at home with the kids. He works 12hr days. We have sex daily…sometimes 2-3times. Its rare that we don’t. We keep up with it, like…”Did we have sex yesterday?”
“NO?” “Twice today then! grrrrr…”
We care about keeping one another happy. Because we love each other. The sex is GREAT though. Maybe other women are not always getting satisfied? I cant imagine NOT getting laid! LoL, after my long days. I NEED some tension release! (sorry for being a little immature) Or maybe my husband has high testosterone. IDK. But we’ve always been this way, which is shocking because over the past 2yrs. I gained 70POUNDS!!!! (DIGUSTING) And still though, nothings changed! We make time, we make sure each other’s happy. With three kids. You have keep the love alive. No matter what. Don’t forget why your in love. Your children deserve happily in love parents.

Hi, my wife and I have been married for 5 years, together for 8. Our sex life started off great but started to decrease as time went on. I’m 34, she’s 32. We have a 3 year old child, and she’s pregnant with our 2nd on the way. We have sex once a week if I’m lucky. I always have to initiate or ask and have been rejected over and over and over again. I can’t tell you how frustrated I am. Although my libido can probably handle it 4-5 times a week or maybe more, I’d be happy with twice a week. I’ve communicated things with her, and she tells me she can’t explain it but she’s just not in the mood for it. She doesn’t care to pleasure me because once again, she’s not in the mood. I’ve tried things like cuddling, and I always help with chores around the house. I’ve tried spontaneity and approaching her in different rooms and even trying to book a night away. I’ve been shot down, all but once a week. I’m not out of shape, and I’d a good looking young man in his 30’s. When we do have sex, I feel like she is doing me a favour or like I’m a nuisance. She works 3-4 days a week and i’ve been currently off work on disability. She says she always tired and I don’t understand this. I don’t know how much more I can take this. I love her and she says she loves me and we are blessed with one child already and another on the way. I don’t want to get a divorce, nor would my conscience allow me to find it elsewhere. If I back off and wait for her to be in the mood, she can go a lot longer without having sex. When we do have sex, more than half the time she climaxes as well so she does have an active libido. Unfortunately asking her for sex has become like a road map; when to ask, what times of day I shouldn’t even bother asking, don’t be spontaneous, and is she gonna shut me down again? What steps can I take to resolve this? Are there any known things to increase a women’s libido? Thanks for listening.

David this is what you need to do: you need to give her that look. Stare at her for 1 minute and don’t even say nothing while your doing it, because the goal is to listen to what she’s gonna ask you. Once she start talking, walk over to her, not aggressively but like you got a crook in your neck and dip right into her sweet spot, that area on the neck. Kiss her without even saying anything to her and I guarantee she will respond.

I have the same exact problem as (DAVID) but I’m a 26yr old woman and my husband is 37yr old men we have one daughter together and I have 2 other children from a different relationship. We have been together 7.5 years.

My husband and I have been together for 20years and married for 15yrs. He is 40, I am 36. We have 6 children. We have sex around 3 times a week. I would like it once or twice a day but his libido isn’t where mine is at currently

Hi, 30 years old, married: 3 years, dating my husband: 8 years, sex frequency: 1-2 times/week. We have hectic lifestyle: a lot of work, very long hours at work (> 9 hours per day) very little vacation that we use to go see our families over seas. So even vacation is not restful. We moved to the US 2.5 years ago and because of our work we have a lot of stress and a very nomad lifestyle. Means we do not know in which country or continent we will be next year. Cherry on top, my husband is going to loose his job in 2 months and my salary is not enough. Ever since I met him he never wanted to have sex more than once or twice a week. Twice a week is when he is very relaxed, unstressed and happy. When I first noticed that 8 years ago I tried talking to him nicely in order to make him understand that this is not normal. He loves me more than anything and I know it and I love him but I feel this behavior is killing my love for him. When I bring this up he always changes the subject or give me a silly excuse like your brother was sleeping next door or I am stressed out and I have an important meeting etc… The less he comes towards me the less I want to go towards him to engage in cuddling or “doing it”. And the more I wait the more I become furious and begin to imagine things and hate him and we end up fighting. I know it is a very delicate subject especially for a guy but I cannot take it anymore. I have had a couple of partners in the past who would not give me a break from sex I had a very fulfilling sex life which made me much happier. My husband is the first guy to behave like this with me even though he spends his day telling me how beautiful he thinks I am and how out of his league I am and how I am great and how much he loves me. But later nothing. He comes home waits until we pass out in front of the TV and maybe sometimes tries something but hello I have been working and am tired so obviously I do not want to have sex at 2 am in the morning. We always do it the same way the same time the same place. There is no spontaneity and he never wants to try having sex more than once a day. He says his body would never handle it (he’s 33). But how can you know if you don’t try?! He only has had one girlfriend before and did not have a lot of sexual activity with her. I feel that he does not make an effort to improve all this and he does not want to admit that having a bad sexual life leads to big problems in a couple. Bottom line we decided it’s time to have kids only I have been having hormonal problems and could not ovulate very well or on time so the dr. said it’s simple just do it every other day and if you ovulate you will definitely hit it. Only one small problem that even though my husband knew what we had to do and he is the one who wants kids more than me he still behaves the same way and I feel my clock is ticking for conceiving and I am running out of patience. I also feel frustrated and unwanted and we are sometimes thinking about a divorce even though we still love each other. Please help! (Sorry for the long message)

Honestly, you two have been together too long for this. What ya’ll need to do is go outside. go on the roof of the car, while the neighbors are watching up above and get it in. Try that one time and if that don’t spice up ya sex life, try different positions, like you on top, the side, from the back, even put some R&B on while ya’ll in the bed room, it has plenty of instructions. I think you two should look at it as exercise to raising a family, since it sounds like the one thing you guys have in common. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself.

I feel things for me are going downill. I’m 16 weeks pregnant (already pretty emotional) – and we have sex maybe once a week. I’m 25 – and it makes me depressed to think this could be as good as it gets. I love him, he is the father of my child & i’ve tried to talk to him about it…. he feels he shouldnt be the only one to innitiate it – but with me being pregnant & this being my first child, I feel out of my comfort zone & i’m more tired than i ever have been. I love sex – and refuse to believe i should have to ask my partner for it – because before he came along & before we got pregnant, I never had this issue with any past partners. that for me, speaks the truth about our relationship. I am noticing a routine – get up, go to work, come home, spend some time together & we both pass out. how do you discuss this without arguing? I feel like i’m losing my lively-hood and once the baby arrives, this will only get worse

Beverly!! I’m so sorry you feel so negatively about the future of your relationship’s sex life… whilst once a week is not a terribly low amount, if it is less than what you used to have in your relationship, I can understand that this may distress you.

However… I think you are getting ahead of yourself in worrying about it.

Firstly, I think fatigue from the pregnancy is probably having an impact… tiredness certainly does not fit well with an active sex life.

Secondly, I dont know what usually prompts sex for you and your husband, but I would suggest adding some ‘cuddling time’ to your routine.. either in bed or on the couch.. This is a very good way to prompt sex for a man, as we often may not THINK we are in the mood for sex, but the touch of a womans body against ours (or with our hands) will arouse us. This would avoid you having to ‘ask for sex’, which can be unpleasant for anybody.. (eg. fear of rejection).. and allows you to have a cuddle and hopefully a bit more sex.

I would suggest that the ‘cuddle time’ does not have to be a serious thing.. nor does it have to even be stated/requested… it can merely be a situation whereby you cuddle up to him before bed in a non-sexual way.. and if it happens, great.. if not, better luck next time

It pains me to see a woman, particularly of 25, feeling so bad about her sex life… especially with a child on the way (give yourself a break!)… and i hope my comments have helped you.

it can be hard to go back to sex when u have more then one baby. I have twins so when one cry’s so those the other and when one is hungry so is the other and so forth….but it doesn’t bother me or my husband we just work around our babys time ( nap time or bed time) to have our own time alone.

I don’t know what some people think about sex but for me is something special I like to love every second of it without rushing and say nice things to my girlfriends its just another galaxy really. I dont just do sex because i feel like i need penetration but its a special moment to share with someone you love at least for me. For me i should say that sex keeps the relationship alive for sure. If you spend quality time with your partner do you think he/she is going to look for something else outside? Well think about it… Make you life easier even though you have kids etc keep your sex life alive its a must.

Hi guys im a male 22 years old and love sex no doubt.
Im not addicted to it but i love it lol.
My girlfriend doesn’t seem to co-operate with my desires
Sometimes as she says i that i love it too much.
But normally we have sex about 8 to 15 times a week not always
Of course but yea on the peak times we may go hard.
The funny thing is that anything on women turns me on…
Nice hair, nails, skin, eyes legs etc. I have realised that sometimes I exaggerate but in the end of the day im just being me. Another thing aswel sometimes i feel like looking for a perfect match when she doesn’t want to have sex i know thats a lil stupid but thats just some paranoid stuff. Anyway if anyone here has got something similar to this i would l would love to hear it.

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