My Morning With Gavin

Because I care so deeply about the issues facing our community, I ventured out to the Bayview on Saturday Morning for a Town Hall type meeting, where we were to discuss apartment buildings or speed-bumps or something. I had hoped, in attending this community forum, I’d be able to engage in a dialog…with the Mayor.

I mean, really, we have so much to talk about right now and I felt this was the perfect opportunity to sneak a few minutes with Gavin alone. You know, to offer my support and encouragement in these troubling times.

Finding a seat in the back, I chatted with those around me, my excitement palpable as I bounced up and down on my chair. The room was packed with community members, city staff, reporters, and what appeared to be the entirety of the SFPD, all of whom seemed just as anticipatory as yours truly.

Gavin Newsom. Any minute. OMG.

Suddenly, a hush fell over the room. The rain stopped, the clouds parted, birds actually sang. I turned to face the back and there he was, slowly working his way to the front of the room, shaking hands and one-armed hugging the throngs of fans flocking to his fabulous suit. It was one of the most magical moments of my…

Why Gavin insists upon bringing tail to every single meeting and event is beyond me. I guess Swiss Miss has got a lot of free time on her hands, or maybe she just refuses to let him out of her sight. Either way, the instant tension between us was observed by everyone. She took a seat on the other side of the room and pretended not to notice my presence.

The meeting began with profound and touching remarks by Gavin, which I would have listened to, had I not been scanning the room for familiar faces, noting the unfortunate absence of Peter “hiding under his desk” Ragone. Swiss Miss sat bony and upright, dreaming of unicorns, spa treatments and the last meal she had, back in November.

Amidst the protesters and angry old ladies screaming at Gavin, he managed to work his way onstage, seductively remove his blazer, and roll up his shirt sleeves, revealing his pale and gaunt frame. Clearly, recentevents have taken their toll both emotionally and physically. I eyed his bodyguard and resisted the urge to embrace him.

Once the screaming and yelling had died down, Gavin, much like a preacher tending to his flock, moved throughout the room with the microphone, intently and patiently listening to the hopes and dreams of his constituents. At one point, he put his arm around some lady, gazed down into her eyes and gently kissed her forehead.

It is at this point that I fell off my chair.

Composing myself, I began to scribble down important observations I know my readers are desperate to hear. For example, in an apparent nod to Europeans, Gavin wasn’t wearing an undershirt. He also appeared to be sipping (constantly) from a Starbucks cup. Once can only assume it was filled with coffee.

At one point, the Mayor used the word “unadulterated.” I am ashamed to admit, I snickered.

Hmmmm. Interesting. Some of us choose reserved, basic, high-quality black. And some of attach skin to turquoise. Whatever.

My final observation is really just a question. Has anyone ever seen Chief Heather Fong in civilian clothes? And if so, what does she wear? I can’t even imagine it, although I’d suspect some sort of plaid flannel and reverse fit denim. But one never knows. She could have an entire closet of Dynasty-esque sequined gowns. Which would, obviously, make me like her more.

Then it happened.

At exactly 11:29am PST.

I looked at him. He looked at me.

And sparks FLEW.

My companion grabbed my leg. “Did you just have eye contact!?! You totally just had prolonged eye contact!”

Uh, yeah. We totally just did. And it was, to say the least, intense.

I believe he even stumbled over his next sentence, Gavin was so completely thrown by our overwhelming chemistry. Consummate professional that he is, the now blushing Gavin quickly recovered. But the very next question took him to a gentleman sitting directly behind me.

Oh god. He’s coming closer. And closer. He’s 2 feet away from me. I could do anything. I could scream out my hidden feelings. I could rip his fabulous clothes off. I could slip my phone number into his oh-so-close pocket. Frozen by self-doubt, I felt that perhaps a community forum on poverty probably wasn’t the best place for our inevitable union. And while it would make a funny story for our rehearsal dinner or similar, I know that Gavin has so much work to do right now, what with rehab and all.

The forum ended, everyone applauded and Gavin was once again swarmed by admirers. Swiss Miss shot me a dirty look, grabbed his arm and they disappeared, probably off to drink organic tea and pretend to like each other.

And just like that, it was over.

I stood alone, in the middle of the Whitney Young Child Development Center, still shaking from the shared moment of sexual tension. But there will be more forums. And you can bet your life, there will be more eye contact.

Beth Spotswood describes herself as “The 29-year-old equivalent of Dorothy from The Golden Girls.” She spends her free time pretending not to stare at crazy people screaming on San Francisco’s sidewalks. Originally from Marin, Beth now lives in the Mission and doesn’t get why people are so into burritos. Find Beth here every Wednesday at noon, and at I’ll Flip You. Flip You For Real, where “The opinions expressed are ridiculous and in no way reflect anything of value. Do not take them seriously…”