Poor FH… need to vent :(

I knew when we made our wedding adults-only it could ruffle a few feathers but very few of our guests have young children and with this one exception all have been fine about that. It didn’t go on the invites but in a politely worded prhase on our website: “Due to space constraints and the tone of the event, we respectfully request an adults-only ceremony and reception. We apologize if this inconveniences any of our guests. ”

Well we’ve just found out that FH’s only cousin in our city isn’t attending, first from a conversation between her and FMIL and then from a fairly snarkily worded RSVP “Mr & Mrs Name & Name Surname along with their son Name regrettably will not be attending the wedding or the post-wedding brunch. Congratulations on your Wedding Day, wishing you all the best for a happy and healthy future together.”

I am gutted for FH and their family simply because the situation is just weird.

– FH has a few other cousins in NZ but they have slightly older kids and we knew in advance they weren’t going to be able to come. The cousin I’m talking about is FH’s only cousin in our city.

-This cousin lived with FH and his family for a year when she moved out from England, away from her aunt and uncle, when she was in her late teens so has always been considered one of the family. The aunt and uncle are coming out from England, as are this cousin’s grandparents from NZ. Apparently FH/FMIL are expecting a shitstorm when the aunt & uncle find out 😛

– Here’s the kicker. We thought it was going to be OK because the cousin’s husband has tons of family who we figured to be called on to babysit. Turns out the baby – who’s 1 year old now & would be almost 14 months at the wedding – has NEVER been baby-sat or out of sight of one or both parents unless it was sleeping! We’re all kind of like whaaaaaaaaat?

– Really neither here nor there but FH & his family paid a fair chunk of cash to attend her destination wedding.

– Not attending the wedding is one thing but the baby is of course able to come to the brunch (at FMIL/FIL house) so why a no to that too???

FMIL asked why the cousin couldn’t come on her own and leave the baby with her husband but apparently that wasn’t going to be acceptable 😛 We’re hoping she calms down and sees some sense as we still have a number of weeks til RSVPs need to be in but it’s already caused so much drama >( FH doesn’t have a large extended family … I’ve got almost three times the family coming and many from interstate & NZ so I just feel bummed for him that they’re having to deal with this situation 🙁

FMIL tried to put a positive spin on it, saying “Whether they’re there or not, the rest of us will have a wonderful time together & I for one can’t wait!! ” … but I just know she’s livid that they’re not making any effort 😛 (it doesn’t help that she hasn’t made any attempt to join in on family Christmases either since she got married, hmmm. it’s like she’s basically shut off her family since then??? anyone had experience with that?)

@julies1949: I agree that we made the choice to have a child free wedding, and that we have to live with the consequences of that – like we accepted that the other cousins wouldn’t be able to make it over from NZ because of this. But I do feel FH and his family are allowed to feel sad that his cousin’s not making the effort to at least attend on her own, even if her husband stayed with their toddler. FMIL completely supported our decision to have our wedding child-free and even she’s shocked by what’s happeneded with this! *shrugs*. It is what it is.

@julies1949: If it was anyone else we’d graciously say that we understood, we’re sad we won’t have them there but that we accept their decision. It’s just that this cousin was once, in FH’s words, more like a sister than a cousin. And she’s been making a point of distancing from their family for reasons they can’t understand, which has been upsetting FMIL. There’s more to it than “they’re not coming to the wedding because of their kid”.

@goingtotherooftopoflove: In your shoes, I would totally make an exception for this one cousin. Having one 1-year-old relative at your adult only wedding isn’t going to set or break the tone of your wedding.

Why not cut the woman a break and just let her bring her kid? I’m also shocked you didn’t bother discussing it with her directly rather than just speculating with your FI and FMIL. If your FI is that close to her, he should call her up, and find out what he can do to accommodate her if it’s that important for him that she attends.

I had a bridesmaid threaten to only attend my 2-3 day bachelorette if her under 6 mo old child is welcome to also be there (Attendees will be renting a house together and other moms and bridesmaids have graciously made childcare arrangements or aren’t coming). I did my best to tell her I understood if she had to miss it or if it only worked for her to come to a smaller part of it because she might need to be w her baby. She was sobbing for over an hour saying it sounded like I didn’t want her there and like I thought I’d have more fun w/o her. She acted as though she couldn’t understand how a baby at a Bach party could be inappropriate.

Some moms/parents take it very personally, throw fits, or try to punish ppl for having an adults-only event. For my bachelorette party, the planners and other attendees want a child-free time and I don’t want this one person to talk to me about this ever again. It was a horrible conversation that every other attendee thinks goes without saying.

I’d leave it alone with your cousin. At most, maybe see if someone else can reason w them to at least come to the baby friendly brunch. But what they chose for the reception should just be left alone – if a mom doesn’t want to leave her child for even a short period of time, it’s fine as long as others arent punished for her decision.

Having thought about it, I think I’m just more upset that she seems to be pushing aside her family in many ways, more than whether she actually comes to the wedding or not. I know that’s really eating FMIL up (and has for a while)… this isn’t an isolated situation but one in a progression. I’m a huge family person and I just don’t understand it.

I should add… my brother’s two kids are coming just for the ceremony (flower girl & ring bearer) and they’re heading home to a babysitter (also looking after cousin’s kids who are coming from interstate) before the reception. We’re not going to make an exception for one person or we’d have to make them for everyone.

FH’s family are firmly in support of the no-kids decision, and I’m not dealing with the cousin nor will I be, that’s entirely for them. I know his parents were going to write a letter asking her to reconsider coming on her own at least but FH asked that they wait until we he can have a proper discussion with them about it and will probably contact her himself. I’m just commenting on this situation as an observer.

I disagree, I think you can make an exception for one person. Everyone else just needs to be an adult about it and understand that one person may have needed special accommodation. Not saying that needs to happen here, but it shouldn’t be dismissed. We are having a mostly child free wedding. We have exceptions for nieces/nephews and an exception for one non family special needs child. If anyone dares complain to me or say, well if I make an exception for her, etc. I’ll flip on them.

It’s not just that she’s special needs, it’s that it’s my wedding. I can make an exception for one child regardless and no one should be complaining that I didn’t for them.

@Olivepepper: your response seriously made me chuckle. Comparing a wedding to a bar or a club? It’s not a place of business. It’s a party and the bride and groom get to call the shots! They can do whatever they please and In this instance, it’s a very close relative who doesn’t feel comfortable not being with her child. It’s one exception. The OP did not make it sound like she had a line out the door of close relatives wanting to bring their children to the wedding. Just this one who her FI thinks of like a sister. But if you can seriously tell me you’ve never made an exception in your life, then I bow down to you.

@mojitolady: “OP did not make it sound like she had a line out the door of close relatives wanting to bring their children to the wedding. ” … Interesting you mention this, not including my niece & nephew my cousins have seven kids under five between them, and then three teenage kids . All are travelling from interstate or from NZ and all have managed to make arrangements for their kids. So I do have close relatives with kids… but not relatives wanting to bring their kids 😛 haha.