In the newest issue of Us Weekly, Lindsay Lohan opens up about her heartbreaking split from Samantha Ronson, the “humiliating” weekend showdown with Ronson’s family, and says that friends’ fears she is suicidal are unfounded.

Hm. I guess your breasts are no longer a “really big hit” with the aforementioned Ms. Ronson, are they?

“It’s absolute hell,” Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.

Ronson broke it off with her girlfriend of nearly two years last Friday, and hired five security guards to keep Lohan out of an afterparty for her sister Charlotte at the Chateau Marmont. (Lohan was staying directly one floor above the Ronsons with her mom Dina and sister Ali.)

The next day, Ronson changed the locks on the Hollywood Hills home she shared with Lohan. On Monday, Ronson’s mom and sister asked police about obtaining a restraining order against Lohan, Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall confirms to Us.

Particularly when she’s driving.

Especially when she’s driving.

Lohan says she’s “so alone” without Ronson.

“Everyone’s turned on me,” says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, b—h.”

Well, slut-ola, maybe folks have just had it up past the proverbial “here” by your diva-based bullshit act. Certainly folks like me had enough of your Schitty Schtale Schtick a helluva long time ago, y’know?

Here’s a clue, bimbo: Stop trying to pattern your life after Britney & Paris & Mary-Kate and all the rest of the teen diva bitches. Try going back to the wholesome girl from the Disney flicks you were in before your breasts became “a really big hit”.

In other words, stop being a fucking brat.

And another thing: Give up the lezbo BS. No mother is going to want their little girl to emulate that. Make the choice – yes, Lindsay, it’s a choice; don’t argue, you can’t win – to go back to being attracted to guys. We’ll appreciate you a lot more, trust me. So will the rest of the world.

It helps, though, if you have Microsoft Internet Explorer set about 1024x768 1280x1024 with your Favorites window activated on the left deactivated. (At least until I can get a better handle on how WordPress works.)