Day 161 of 365

Hello I am a survivor I was emancipated as a minor. Hard life in general big farm families yet they all hated me because I was born an only child to my mom n dad. .... Raped yes, felon yes thanks to first abusive husband I left w nothing then wanted to get him back. I made a bad choice but shouldn't have told the bad people to break in his hose n take our stuff. Well that was 21 ruined my life!!! Ran away, striped and day time management. Stopped moved out....started college finished married husband foreigners. Visa, came home joined army one day left he did. Divorced on to #3. Looked good job, car, family very nice n well off, I was working doing fine. Biological clock.....planned baby first argument choked me while pregnant to unconscious. ..I knew I should have left...alone pregnant scared I stayed. ...his family n him though my blonde hair blue eyed baby was not mine white brown hair n eyes n black dad could not make this beautiful baby!

Well I knew we did n I said test him! ...this were not better yet worse, family were enabling w $$ everything he went out drinking my first night home gambling away our mortgage payment. ...we fought I lost his mom n family said it was ok he need to let off steam n they would cover $$ my life I’ve always worked 5 jobs to get through college! ...not better I worked n I was accused of cheating n he neglect the baby I had to stop working, thought another baby would show him I loved him more but no it got worse he pushed me through walls beat me broke my jaw all while pregnant. ...I tried to get help the shelters were scary people sold what little u had n threatened you. no help I went back.... legal they tried to keep us apart put MD in jail due to 1st husband arrest deported me back a state ...I'm4 months pg. got out 7 months he came 3 hrs. late n got me ... we were back together. I had baby state would let us b together I was alone w myself having my 2nd baby alone in the hospital. ..He picked me up ... grand mom got custody of my first because I was around the dad, trying to make it work, state said too dangerous.

We moved a city or so away... not better I got beat n he party, drink, rape me, give me disease n beat me w accusation it was me cheating. As I fought courts got my 1st back in taking care I'd be kids, babies. ...we moved closer back. .. I got job he would watch me not work stock me beat me saying I talked to a man or looked at one or wanted a man ...he would inspect my body my day my phone my mail I was not me I was his to control n do what n when he said you do whatever or he would explode, his family would try n blame drinking but he would do these thanks sober. we had to live w his parent because they could pay our rent n there's n all of them gamble, drink thousands every day away, yet I had no voice n too babies to feed, clothes, take care of I best feed them both but I need food I could barely go to the store or ride a bus to get dippers n I would get beat because I talked or looked wrong every day was a night mare of egg shells. I just tried to protect n keep the babies safe n try n not let them c him a bussing me!!

he punched me so hard in the face broke my jaw n cheek told kids my face was stung by bee I never could go to dr. another kicked in ribs broken , because I didn't listen . Another time he was beating me on top me punching me in his parents’ house she yelled at me after, I made her pull his hair to get him off u. it was still n always my fault!!! I left her house she wouldn't help me , asked me one day if I thought she loved me I told her honestly no. but I know she loves my kids , she yelled at me n said how dare I. I said u asked honestly n how I feel your made at my feelings??? Yup didn't get better....then trying again I could work he beat me on my face n body to go outside aging I had to quit. He was going to try n work every day he left w his mom he came back if I could not go n best me. She would come to our house at least every week if not more I believe to see if I was alive!!!That’s how it felt!!I wasn’t dead yet n to make sure I was able to care 4 kids. The kids started school I had to wear mask to drop them off because he hit me so hard in the face my teeth went through my lips n face n I had an open wind I could go to the hospital 4. One memory n scare on my face I c every day!! n remember he Doesn’t love me he hurt me n I need to not love him anymore, even today I will love the person who gave me children, he said too they were my gift. well the last time he had beat me very badly stabbed me beat my head on base board heater n I had lost lots of blood stained carpet very badly! I thought my arm was broken in half from blocking one of his many kicks while I was in a ball crawling away trying to get away from him punching me kicking me grabbing me beating my head agonist the metal heater n stabbing me! The next day his mom as always shows up 2 c if I'm alive n give him a ride ... she pushes on my arm says I'm fine finished draping my arm, I now have a steal plate from orthopedic surgery.

Well they left. I thought if I die she will raise my boys like him their father who she thinks , his whole family knows !! I will not let my kid’s b like them!!! They all know his family because while we lived with them he was mad n besting me when the dad saying something triggered him n they started fighting like men fighting yup the 45 year old beat up a 65 yr. old dad big men wtf!! ..they all know n made him thus way up left now after my babies 4th b day is been 5 years now n I'm the happiest I’ve been in life ! I get no help from them or him no child support no state help all alone I’ve worked we have a place apt. car , food clothes, happiness I love them my boys r my world n have saved me too. I have PTSD now n can't really date I'm an emotional reckon I need more counseling. My eldest is also diagnostic w PTSD, even though I tried to shelter them he saw some horrible horror.

Well I hope this might help just one person it's worth it for me to tell my story!!! These are just pieces of it and I say I love u all. U can do it!!