Thank Xenu for NYC blogger Andrew Krucoff’s love of consuming adult beverages in seedy Manhattan saloons, for we otherwise might have never known the joy witnessing this gross display of viral marketing from the “advertising whizzzards” in the Jackass #2 publicity department (let’s just all be glad they didn’t think of a more literal tie-in for the “#2″ aspect of the title). You may now behold the powerful majesty of Andrew’s “four Pabst” urine stream.

We know that Hollywood kids grow up fast, but was anybody ready for Suri Cruise to go through an emo phase at just 4-months-old? Friends say that she cries all the time, she doesn’t understand her parents, and you can’t leave her alone with a knife or she’ll probably cut herself. And you don’t even want to know what she’s been writing on her livejournal.

Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworthhave called it quits. Kate is reported to be heartbroken, and sources claim it to be true… you can a-literally see the crack through her breastplate.

Michael Douglas is so bad with computers, he has his secretary fax over his e-mails. He then writes his response with a 3 foot long quill on quality parchment, rolls it up, tucks it into a miniature barrel, and attaches it to the neck of his beloved St. Bernard, “Reply.”

Actress Zhang Ziyi is being torn to shreds in Chinese newspapers, after she wore the same dress of another actress, Xu Jinglei, two months later. Well, it’s nice to know that this blind bloodthirsty judgment of people in the spotlights is universal.

Finally, Lindsay Lohan‘s vajayjay. Normally such a thing would be not safe for work, but in this case, it literally looks like the parts of a weird alien doll/pig hybrid. So click away.

Oh, and if this post is down in the morning, and no one ever hears from me again, please assume I have been snipered by some very high powered lawyers/scien… well, you know. We’ll have better versions of these pics tomorrow when they’re “officially” released.

ALBUM RELEASE: Forget about Paris, I want the remix album complete with topless artwork and 40 minutes of lines like “Why am I famous?” over generic beats. Some say better than the original.(Stereogum)

T&FC: Whether she was getting groped her boyfriend or flashing the infamous Firecrotch, Lindsay Lohan was all over the internets today. (IDLYITW & PerezHilton)

FAR FROM RAVE REVIEW: If you enjoyed Dane Cook’s HBO special last night you’re directly responsible for the death of comedy. I’m just sayin’. (LATimes)

WHO KNEW?: Apparently some chick is taking over the CBS evening news tonight and that’s, like, a big deal or something. I guess. (Jossip)

HOSTAGE SITUATION: When Kid Rock & Jeremy Piven storm the stage and take over a concert, you’re not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not. (Defamer)

It’s the BWE Tuesday Afternoon Movie for September 5th! Every Tuesday, we’ll post a short film from our panelists, friends, and user submissions. Want to submit a movie? Send your short films and sketches to films@bwe.tv.

This week, sketch group Elephant Larry takes us to the darker side of Orange County. Enjoy!

You know, many people say “art is dead” (mostly pretentious idiots), but those people have clearly not seen a bronze statue depicting Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston engaging in hot 3-way sex. That, my friends, is art that is very much alive. According to Digital Spy (via TV Squad), Brooklyn-based artist Daniel Edwards, who you might remember as the master behind the Britney Spears Birthing Sculpture (so I was wrong about that whole “end this trend” thing), and who is quickly becoming the Picasso of the paparazzi-whores, is applying his visual talents to something the world actually wants to see: 3 hot people boning. So simple it just might be genius. Just as long as the piece doesn’t depict Vince Vaughn sullenly beating off in the background.

Over at their MySpace page, you can download a few ditties from the dandies in Lord T and Eloise, the world’s first purveyors of “Aristocrunk”.

Fluxblog has new remixes from Stephen Malkmus, who also has a new album coming out, which also probably won’t be as good as Pavement.

YANP has a new track from Magnolia Electric Co, and a new “why doesn’t anyone appreciate good songwriters anymore?” rant to go along with it.

I still can’t get enough Bob Dylan, and thankfully Aquarium Drunkard can’t either, and posted a whole mess of outtakes from the Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan recordings.

Music For Kids Who Can’t Read Good says that newcomers Stars of Track and Field are beautiful people AND sound like Coldplay. Go listen and try to determine which contradicting description is accurate.

Summer’s over, and that means two things. 1) It’s time to start counting down the days until your Christmas vacation, and 2) TV’s about to get good again. Finally. Besides all of your favorite shows that are returning, there’s a ton of new crap starring some pretty talented actors and actresses that’ll be hitting the airwaves this fall. Soon you’ll be able to find celebrities all over the dial and not just in the Surreal Life house. A ton of big names are hitting the small screen, however as we’ve come to learn throughout the years not all of them will be sticking around. Some celebs you pull for– you want them (and their show) to stick around for years and years: Upgrade! Others, you’d rather they disappear for a while before their inevitable return to Celebreality in 2012: Downgrade!