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RIP Sir Roger Moore

Roger Moore is due to appear on the show and Alan has prepared a special room full of props that reference his films

Alan: Here we are, in the Roger Moore room. For “An Audience With Roger Moore”. The idea was, basically, that Roger could come in here and sit where Sue is sitting and just chat about all these things. We’re surrounded by memorabilia from Roger’s glittering career in films and television. There’s a little James Bond car there. See, little man flies out, that’s nice. There’s a golden gun there, that’s from “The Man With The Golden Gun”. There’s a gold ingot there, and that’s from the film “Gold” in which he co-starred with Susannah York. There’s a “Saint” annual there, was going to get Roger to read aloud from that with his lovely warm brown voice.
Keith: Al, jog me memory. In which of Rogers’ films does it feature three ducks on the wall?
Alan: Ah! They are not ducks, they are wild geese. From the film “The Wild Geese”. With Roger Moore playing the cigar-chomping mercenary.
Sue: Oh yes.
Alan: Sorry?
Sue: Oh yes.
Alan: Oh yes. Yeah. This was the show opening, it was going to be marvelous. Curtains, curtains (Curtains raise and reveal a picture of Roger Moore as James Bond). Roger Moore! Roger Moore, the quintessential English gentleman.
Keith: Who’s not here.
Alan: Now, I was going to start, Roger would have loved this, I was going to introduce myself by doing this, this is fantastic (Alan sits down in a chair with his back to the guests and twists around stroking a cat) A-ha Mr Bond!. I’ve been expecting you! Which I had. Would have been fantastic.
Sue: What’s that?
Alan: That’s a nipple. Now…
Sue: What?
Alan: That’s a nipple. From “The Man With The Golden Gun”, it’s a third nipple. The Scaramanga, had three nipples. That’s a gold finger.
Shona: Sean Connery was “Goldfinger”
Alan: Well done! That was a trick object.
Shona: Sean Connery was the better Bond, anyway.
Alan: Well, you know, interesting you take that position. The Scottish position. I mean, in the whole Roger versus Sean debate that’s been raging for the last twenty years, I have to say I’m firmly in the Roger camp. I believe no-one could sort of, wear a safari suit with the same degree of casuality as Roger.
Keith: It’s a complete shambles. You’re putting a brave face on. But he’s not here! You know, you tell the viewers…
Alan: Keith Hunt, let me stop you in your tracks there, Keith Hunt. You can eat your hat now, because, ladies and gentlemen, I can confirm Roger Moore is on the show. We’re having him on the show, right now live by telephone link-up from the car. On a mobile phone. Hello, Roger, hello, Roger?
Roger Moore: Hello, Alan.
Alan: Oh, joy! Oh, Roger Moore! Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Roger Moore, a-ha. (interference) Roger? No? All right, listen I’m going to cut straight to a key question, Roger. We don’t have have that much time: A hypothetical fist fight takes place between Simon Templar, “The Saint”, and Roger Moore, James Bond 007. Who wins? (more interference) Any thoughts on that, Roger? (more interference) Roger? Roger? Roger? ROGER?
Keith: Does the word “Titanic” mean anything to you?
Alan: Oh yeah, people go on about “Titanic, Titanic”. Let me tell you something about the Titanic, people forget. People forget that on the Titanic’s maiden voyage, there were over a thousand miles of uneventful very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg. Anyway, we had him on the show. He was on the show.
Keith: That doesn’t count! Face it, mate, he’s Roger the dodger. Am I right?
Audience: You’re not wrong!
Alan: All right, point taken. Point taken. We can still rescue it. Let’s turn the situation around. Let’s call this section of the show “Right To Reply With Alan Partridge”. If you’ve got any criticisms, let me hear them, I can deal with it.
Keith: Criticisms? A horse takes a dump on your show. No manners, but what a critic. You know, you get a horse with a jump on, she won’t jump it.
Sue: No, it wasn’t that I wouldn’t jump it, I really couldn’t do it.
Keith: You were right not to…
Shona: You’ve never heard of us, you slag us off the minute we come on, you don’t get any phone back. We’re vegetarians, we get ham sandwiches.
Keith: You get me own kid on, that is well out of order. You just don’t do that when the Director General of the BBC…
Alan: Up yours! Up yours!
Sue: You can’t say that.
Alan: Kiss my arse! And on that bombshell, it’s time for me to say; Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Scotch lady, woman. Knowing you, The Hunt. And knowing you, Mrs Mouse. And I’ve just been told, Roger Moore has just checked into Claridges, were he’s ordered room service. A-ha!