Chris Lackner: Ten reasons soccer is better than hockey

Team Norway goalkeeper, SILJE VESTERBEKKMO watches a ball go into the net during practice at Algonquin College Sunday June 01, 2014 in preparation for their FIFA 2015 Women's World Cup opener against Thailand Sunday.Darren Brown / Ottawa Citizen

The “beautiful game” is better than “Canada’s game.” Soccer is superior to hockey.

There. I said it. Bring on the mob of angry Ottawans wielding pitchforks – and hockey sticks. I fully expect Spartacat to be hiding in the bushes outside my door tonight waiting to pounce.

I wasn’t always like this. Hockey used to be my favourite sport. I even tried to “fix” myself recently by drinking a case of Red Bull and watching 48 hours straight of Don Cherry’s Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em.

Soccer took over 30 years to even earn my grudging respect. And then it stole my sporting heart.

As FIFA Women’s World Cup kicks off in Ottawa, I’m in need of confession. I don’t ask for forgiveness from the capital’s hockey devotees… I only ask that they don’t tell Spartacat where I live.

I used to find soccer downright boring. Slow. All-too-rare scoring changes interspersed with a steady stream of monotonous mid-field passes and players pretending they’ve been tripped.

But then I learned to love it.

My first “learning” moment was the day my Brazilian wife gave me a death stare for my above critique. It was a look that could have frozen Medusa in place.

The more I watched, the more I could back up my newfound respect with real arguments. Here are 10 reasons why soccer is better than hockey:

Everyone can play. Sure, FIFA’s executives may be hopelessly rich and corrupt, but the game is a great equalizer on the ground. It is the most egalitarian team sport in the world. You don’t need equipment – just something half resembling a ball and a makeshift goal. That’s why it’s played everywhere, from the alleyways of Rio de Janeiro to Africa’s desert sands.

Fighting only takes place in the stands.

It’s truly global. Sorry Canada. You may be the world’s greatest hockey nation, but only a fraction of the planet plays. It’s like bragging about being “the world’s greatest superhero from Krypton.” The competition is slim.

Artistic merit: Soccer players are better actors. Sure they spend more time falling and faking injury than creating scoring chances, but their grimaces and mock writhing are probably the envy of Meryl Streep. It’s like watching theatre and sport all at once! Factor in the corruption and you also get a healthy dose of politics. It’s truly a game for Renaissance Men and Women.

Soccer fans’ devotionis unmatched. For example, I’ve seen my father-in-law react to a red card as if he was being disembowelled while simultaneously set on fire. I only thank the Soccer Gods we weren’t visiting Brazil during their ill-fated drubbing at the hands – err, feet – of Germany.

Real goaltending. In the NHL, goalies and their padding take up 80 per cent of the net. Yes, you still see amazing saves. But if you dressed a dummy in full gear and duct taped it to a hockey net, it would still make at least 20 saves a game. You’d need 75 dummies to do the same thing with a soccer net.

Average Joes and Janes. I am in awe of the hulking behemoths of American football and basketball – and NHL players seem to get bigger every year. But the average soccer star still looks more-or-less like you and me. (OK, “you and me” with the chiselled abs of a Greek God. But still.)

Multiculturalism’s game. Soccer increasingly feels like Canada’s favoured sport – at least in our big urban centres during the World Cup. The energy in the air across different neighbourhoods and communities is palpable. Sens Mile is a lot of fun but it’s still just one strip.

Sepp Blatter quit. Until a few days ago, international soccer was run by a guy who sounded like – and pretty much behaved liked – a Sith Lord from Star Wars. Dracula could be elected FIFA’s next president and it would be an improvement. So things are looking up.

Did I mention how afraid I am of my wife?

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I need to go practice falling and faking injury. I’m hoping it will earn me mercy from a certain Sens’ mascot.

Chris Lackner is an Ottawa-based journalist and recent soccer convert. His weekly Pop Forecast appears regularly in the Citizen.

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