Perashat Debarim

A step towards "love without cause"

Our Sages tell us that the reason for the Destruction of the Second Temple and
the Dispersion of our People among the nations was שנאת חנם – hatred without cause.
And only אהבת חינם – love without cause – can bring about the rebuilding of the
Temple and the end of our bitter Exile.

I know someone who took this truth to heart, and made a special effort to generate
ahavat hinam (love without cause). When he would walk into a room, he would ask
himself: "Can I find it in myself to respect and love each and every Jew in this
room?" While this approach is certainly commendable, I don't think it can begin
to solve our problem because its effect is likely to be limited. Most people would
not be aware of what this individual is thinking. But if the question is modified
slightly, I think that it could begin to create a revolution. Indeed, it is particularly
appropriate during the "Three Weeks." The question we should be asking ourselves
is: "How can I make everyone around me feel that I love them, or at least respect
them?"

We tend to think that the way we can show people that we love them is by giving
them presents or by doing them favors. But the truth is otherwise, as a wise man
once said: "At the end, what we remember the most is not what someone did for us,
but how they made us feel." How can we make those around us feel good? By taking
a genuine interest in how they are doing, and by smiling at them. Our Sages see
this hinted in the words of the Torah" ולבן שיניים מחלב ". As they put it: It is
better to show the white teeth of a genuine smile than to give a cup of milk. (
.(:כתובות קיא

Unfortunately, we think that we are being especially nice if we smile at someone
to brighten up their day. This is a big mistake. The truth is that we can actually
mess up someone's day by greeting them without a smile. Thus, our Sages tell us
that this is our responsibility not to welcome someone with a sour face. If we do
so, we are doing the other party an injustice. Elsewhere, our Sages put the matter
even more dramatically: If one were to give all the presents in the world with a
sour face, it is as if he gave nothing. However if he accepts another with a smile,
although he may not have given anything, it is as if he gave all the presents in
the world." (Avot of R' Natan, end of Ch.13)

The reason is that when you accept someone with a smile, it shows that you value
him and care about him. And that is the present everyone wants. A present is only
a "token of appreciation," but a smile is appreciation itself.

Just the other day while I was on the way to morning prayers, a woman jogging
with her dog passed me by. I could not help but notice her T-shirt: "No one understands
me except for my dog!" It is no coincidence that the Hebrew word for dog is כלב
, a word which hints at the dog's essence: כל לב all heart. The dog is "man's best
friend," and probably the world's most popular pet because, when the owner comes
home, the dog displays excitement to see him back. The owner feels the "heart" of
the dog. It has not been proven if animals are capable of real emotions, but dog
owners all swear that they are.

We should not be too proud to learn something from the dog. Smiling and showing
excitement when we greet others is the way to make them feel good – and "understood."
It is also an efficient way to melt senseless hate, and bind Jewish hearts together.
Only then will we merit to see the Temple once again standing on its foundation.