Special Report: Upcoming Hollywood Movie Fads

It would seem that Hollywood studios are far from finished when it comes to bad movie ideas. Several times during the past couple of months a new story would come out that made us say “Seriously?!? This is what the best writers and idea guys in Hollywood can come up with?!?” There were also a few colorful four letter words scattered throughout but this is a family friendly site, so I’ll let you insert them yourself.

Each time one of these serious (read: joke) ideas would surface, the entire online movie news world would let out a collective audible moan so loud that it would throw off the whale migration patterns in the North Pacific. Maybe we should tell Hollywood the same thing my mom told me when I would get caught lying to her “Every time you lie, a kitten dies.” Of course we would have to modify that to say “Every time you come up with a stupid movie idea, a migrating whale loses its way.” With as Earth-friendly as Hollywood is, that might actually make them listen. PETA might even get involved.

Obviously we can’t control what spews forth from the Studios so I’ve decided that’s it’s time to embrace it instead. Like the ol’ adage goes “If you can’t beat them, laugh at them!” So, by forcing myself to eat nothing but a combination of Skittles and Red Bull while listening to Dark Side of the Moon at half speed for twenty-four hours, I was able to enter a trance-like state and reach full Nostradamus mode.

I had many visions during that time, which oddly enough included David Hassellhoff feeding me grapes while we rode a ferris wheel – but I digress. Much like John in the New Testament who saw the end of the world, the oddly accurate predictions from Nostradamus and the Mayans fascination with all living things ceasing to exist in 2012, I too have seen the future (as it relates to cinema) and will now post those predictions here.

Nowhere before on any news/blog site has the attempt been made to give such bold and accurate predictions. This is a Screen Rant exclusive and we are happy to share it with our loyal readers. You are truly reading history (or future history, rather).

Here’s how this works, I will list the movie ideas as I envisioned them which may or may not include genres. Sometimes things get hazy when I’m on one of these “spirit walks” so some interpretation on your part may be necessary to fully understand the idea. I also managed to “see” a couple of posters for some movies Heroes-style (with glowing white eyes and all) and I have included them for you (the posters not the eyes).

The CLOTHING we wear will play a pivotal role in upcoming movie franchises. Expect to see shoes take point with the popular brands PF Flyers and Kangaroos. Hush Puppies could also make an appearance because I saw a Basset hound but like I said it’s all about interpretation. We can also rejoice because Bugle Boy Jeans, and Guess Jeans will be part of an interlacing 3 movie story arc.

Be prepared because the following APPLIANCE based movies will be finding their way to the big screen in the next few years:

Microwave! – A horror film that takes place in an abandoned RV park

Washer and Dryer – A Russian Mob buddy comedy that may or may not star Seth Rogen and Will Ferrell (again the Basset hound was present so I’m not sure what to make of that.)

Blender – A touching coming of age musical set to the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic

Click on posters for larger versions

Think Hollywood has covered all of your toys but has forgotten about your SCHOOL SUPPLIES? Think again my friend. The writers and producers have heard your pleas of desperation and have answered with the following titles:

Pencils – High school sex comedy much like American Pie

Erasers – A sci-fi horror film set in the year 3030 (not to be confused with the Eraser starring Gov. “Ahnuld” or Eraserhead)

Lunch Box – This is the next Grindhouse multi-director movie with Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Woody Allen and Spike Lee – this was my favorite vision to watch unfold because I really liked lunch as a kid.

There aren’t just big horror, comedy and action films coming from these ideas. The artsy crowd will have something too. There will Michael Moore, Ben Stein and Morgan Spurlock-directed documentaries galore all based on MUNDANE EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES:

Brushing Your Teeth – Ben Stein takes the reins here showing us the various pastes, brushes and techniques available all from a Conservative point of view

Shaving – Morgan Spurlock goes undercover to determine the best cream, blade and stroke for the everyday man.

Combing Your Hair – Michael Moore is back to blame America and the Bush Administration for the lack of hair neatness in the world. Along the way he shows us the unique implements required to comb all types of hair: Picks, brushes, gels and sprays.

There is more, so much more I could tell you but then what would be the fun in that? This is obviously an attempt at humor and should in no way be considered as a viable source of future movie releases. Unless of course, some Hollywood studio reads this, takes my ideas and uses them then I hold all copyrights for all aforementioned ideas.

I must now go hydrate myself because “spirits walks” make me very thirsty and give me a craving for butterscotch pudding.

I know you are as tired as I am of all the lame attempts at movie ideas lately but what would you choose as the next movie fad if you have your way?

Disclaimer: No whales were actually forced off their migration patterns during the writing of this article.

Akuchimoya! We are far from the bones of my ancestors, but I ask for your guidance. Hollywood has lost their minds and now Screen Rant has went on an acid trip. What is the fate of the human race?

Ah my son, I see you have returned.

Yes grandfather. I am concerned about my species.

Your species has lost it’s way. They must get back to it’s roots from the 1980′s and 90′s before December 21, 2012. Your only hope would be to enlist the help of writers coming out of college. This is your only hope, my son.

Well, there you have it, from the spirit world itself. I wanted to ask Kotor from the Barge of the Dead but Klingons usually tell you to kill all offenders. Hmmm, maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad idea. 8)

I’m currently working on some spec scripts for WB, I guess I can talk about them,,,

“Toliet Paperz in 3-D” Its a story bout a young Rap artist who writes the best rap song ever on some charmin and then accidentally flushes it. He inlists the help of his neighbor, a mad scientist (I’m writing the character for “Seth Rogen”), he’s then shrunken down to the size of a action figure and with the help of his step father and Star Wars action figure Land Speeder, he takes off on a magical journey into the sewage system in hopes of reclaiming his lost rap tune.
(Quincy Jones is currently writing the score and Simon Cowell will Direct)
^
“The Door”. Some guy walks through a non descript door and some real freaky weird stuff happens. Were looking at a trilogy on this one. (Again this is being written for Seth Rogen)
^
“LearnSalsa.Com”, is a horror epic staring Megan Fox, this is a graphic tale of a dance website that actually kills people when they log-on. Were hoping for a PG-13 on this one but its going to be tough with the f bombs.
^
“Opaque Skull” its a risky spinoff to Indiana Jones-4 that involves yep you guessed it, Global Warming.
^
“Lamp Post” is the heartwarming story of life seen through the eyes of an average lamp post. This story is set over 100 years and in the end the lamp post is made into a human who then starts a blog-site called the Lamp Post. (Were looking at Sean Penn to star as the Lamp Post.)

I won’t link to them directly, but if you search youtube you’ll find fan made trailers of video games — Tetris and Pacman come to mind. They are old and have been circulating on the web for years but this is a good chance to dust them off.

Ah, thanks for the laugh Paul, but I think you might be giving them ideas. I love the tagline for Microwave. LMAO.

Don’t forget about Breakfast: The First Meal. A delightful comedy about a couple’s morning ritual of picking out their cereal and the hilarity that ensues. Of course, this will include various plugs by the breakfast cereals sponsored in the film. Which inevitably would lead to Lucky Charms: Discovering the Magic.”

A friend who happens to be on the mailing list of Friends of the Oviatt Library at California State University, Northridge, tipped me off that the library was about to open an exhibition titled “Celebrating Comic Books: An American Tradition.” When I learned that the postcard she received said that the show drew on donations from long-time Western Publishing editor Chase Craig and included correspondence from Carl Barks, my mind was made up: I was going to attend the formal opening.

A friend who happens to be on the mailing list of Friends of the Oviatt Library at California State University, Northridge, tipped me off that the library was about to open an exhibition titled “Celebrating Comic Books: An American Tradition.” When I learned that the postcard she received said that the show drew on donations from long-time Western Publishing editor Chase Craig and included correspondence from Carl Barks, my mind was made up: I was going to attend the formal opening.