The Five Lowest Moments of Gary Coleman's Career

The Diff'rent Strokes curse is storied, and it's real. Todd Bridges (Willis) gave into the wacky cracky before finding Jesus, and currently spends his days refuting stories of his own death. Dana Plato (Kimberly) robbed a dry cleaner, made soft-core porn and died of a drug overdose. Conrad Bain appeared in Postcards from the Edge.

But Gary Coleman took the road less traveled. The one that leaves you incredibly famous, dead broke, and a real-life 40-year-old virgin.

Despite his best efforts, making cameos in 13 prime-time TV shows and just as many direct-to-DVD movies, Gary Coleman has been respectable -- but never quite respected. No matter what he does, he's the punchline to the joke. He ran in the 2003 California Gubernatorial Recall and lost to Larry Flynt, noted pornographer. He was a character in the musical Avenue Q. VH-1 voted him the No. 1 child star of all time. One of his biggest moments on video came in 2001, when he was a mall security guard. (Such a high point, the career change earned him props from Chappelle Show.)

Needless to say, Coleman didn't turn into the next Rick James. He just got made fun of. In what amounts to one, big celebrity cautionary tale, Gary Coleman stands as a symbol of what can happen if your signature catch phrase becomes irrelevant. (See also, "Walker, Jimmy.") Eventually, everyone stops caring what Willis is talking about. But you've still got rent to pay. And you're famous. So this is what you do to pay the bills.

CashCall

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

No method acting here. This commercial for unsecured loan company CashCall came on the heels of Coleman's 1999 bankruptcy after he sued his parents and former business manager for $1.3 million in squandered earnings. And yet even more unbelievable than the fact that Coleman would film the spot is the interest rate these loans carry: As the fine print says "The APR for a typical loan of $2,600 is 99.25% . . ." He may as well make a commercial for an at-home colonoscopy kit.

"Squishy" Testimony

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

In February 1999, Coleman pled no contest to a disturbing the peace charge for punching a female autograph seeker. The plea deal came just days after he gave this testimony. Now, I'm no attorney, but that testimony sounds pretty convincing. Anyone who's ever been accosted at a theme park by one of those costumed characters knows that moment of dread when you wonder, "What if SpongeBob doesn't go away? Do I have an exit strategy? If I have to, can I punch my way out of this?"

Pants Auction

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Jimmy Kimmel recently won a heated bidding war for a pair of Coleman's Gap Kids sweatpants on eBay. His winning bid of $500 was good enough to make the pants his, but not until the initial auction, which was fraudulently jacked up to $400,000 in bids, was discontinued. Which means that Gary Coleman can't even sell his pants right. It's a whole new level of disappointing.

Death By Guitar

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Wrestling is a tricky thing. Back in the day, it was all about street cred. You beat a guy? You cut his hair. You put a live snake on him. If someone put a live snake on Gary Coleman, he would have been a legend. These days, it's all so staged. You can tell that guitar isn't real. If it was, Coleman would have made off with it and put it on eBay.

Gary Coleman Video Game Appearance

This content is imported from YouTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Here are a few cool things to do with video games: Buy them, play them, talk about them with friends. (The last one is iffy.) Absent from that list? Star in them. There's no "real world situation" equivalent to a PR rep proposing to put you in a video game where you get taunted and pissed on, leading to a gunfire-filled rampage of quasi-righteous indignation, only to end up royally fucked in the ass by a grenade. Except maybe taking out a loan with CashCall.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

This commenting section is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page. You may be able to find more information on their web site.

A Part of Hearst Digital Media
Esquire participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.