9.16.2010

for months, i'd been planning. what she might like to wear. what kind of shoes she might want. what type of backpack. attending evaluation. attending orientation. i signed up for the PTA. i volunteered for committees. we went on vacation. a bit of a temporary diversion. we got back. the knots in my stomach came back. i was slowly falling apart. kindergarten was less than 2 days away.

i waited two years and went through several surgeries to get pregnant. i carried Kennedy with me for 7 months in and out of airplanes while i traveled all over the country for work. we had Kennedy on our due date, and she was either taken care of at home, or right next door, and recently, back at home. she's been my sidekick since conception. she's the apple that never left the branch to my eye.

i'm ok being away from her. though it's hard? i travel for work, and we've gotten used to it. does not make it easy. but we are ok with it. she'd gone to 2 full years of pre-school. i knew she was ready. i've known since she was 2 and began writing her name without assistance at TWO - she was ready. it was the whole bus thing. i was not ready for that. how do i know she GETS to school? how do i know she makes it? how do i know she knows how to get home? there were all these "yes but, how do i"'s...

the night before, we got all ready. we took an extra loooooong tubby. this is the point, i started to cry. she looked at me from the tub and says to me, "mom? it looks like you are the one that is having a hard time with this. you just need to deal with it. i'm going to school. maybe i should draw a heart in YOUR hand." dad and i cracked up. we blew out her hair dry, we painted nails. we got all spiffied up and beautified for the big day. she requested being all pinked up. i obliged of course.

the day came. she was so over the top excited. i was too, but with great reservation. my stomach hurt. like physically, actually hurt. we had breakfast, talked about the day ahead. went over the bus rules again, her address, her teacher's name, etcetera. she was SO ready. i went up to work.

she had lunch, i came down, got her ready. we curled her hair, got all pinked up.

brushed teeth. dad came home to not miss the special day. and we waited. and waited. and waited some more. the bus was almost 30 minutes late. as it came down the street. i started. the tears welled up. the bus stopped, she gave a quick hug and kiss.. and all i got was "BYE MOM! I LOVE YOU!" i think she bounced onto the bus.

as i looked up to see her lil head, barely visible find a seat, i caught a glimpse of the other lil girls. they were all teary eyed, red faced. sad. so very sad looking. i blinked. looked up again. there was my angel, in her seat, looking out the window. smile beaming for days. waving and blowing kisses to me. heart drawn in her hand. and mine. and the bus drove away.

i lost it. i physically hurt. i just stood there. in awe. and i actually felt as though something was being ripped from my insides. i was not the same that entire day. i cried on and off all day. it came time for the bus to come back down the street. i cried again as i saw it turn the corner. then thought - what if she got on the wrong one? the bus stopped... she bumbled down the steps yelling... " MOMMMMA!!!!!" with a huge smile on her face still.

and all was right in my world again. this child LOVES school. she NEEDS school. she is READY for school. she talks about it each day when she gets home. she LOVES her teacher. she loves gym, and art, and music class.. oh and the library. all of it. and this week? for the first time ever. something new. she was bitten. bitten by some little shit of a child, for no apparent reason - so says the teacher too. i explained to kennedy, she did all the right things. she told the teacher. the biter was scolded.

today, she came home from school. i asked her... "how was the biter today? did she bite you?" she told me she did not... i said..."was she nice to you today?" kennedy told me, "because she does not know how to be respectful of me and act like a five year old, i won't talk to her again. she can't be my friend."

i told her - "good. and if she bites you again? drop her."
she said - "yes, momma. she bites me again? i will show HER who's boss."

this weekend, i am spending with this rockin woman! can't hardly wait!

then we sent the girl to school. kindergarten for the first time ever. unreal. it's been a whirlwind of a few weeks. thoughts to come this weekend about school and the psychosematic pain my uterus felt putting her on that school bus.

About Me

this is me

today's thoughts...

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want."~ Margaret Young