Justin Bieber Made Me Feel Sorry For Lindsay Lohan, What The Hell Just Happened?

In case almost every single move Justin Bieber made in London wasn’t enough proof this kid’s primed for a downfall, he went on an Instagram rant this morning blasting the media and basically letting us all know he’s God’s maple-gift to the world in case we forgot. Also, don’t compare him to Lindsay Lohan who didn’t at all have millions of dollars in the bank when she was 19 then completely flamed out. Someone just made that up. Via Gossip Cop:

“I’m tired of all the countless lies in the press right now. Saying I’m going to rehab and how my family is disappointed in me. My family is beyond proud,” Bieber said in the since-erased statement.
He continued, “If Anyone believes i need rehab thats their own stupidity lol I’m 19 with 5 number one albums, 19 and I’ve seen the whole world. 19 and I’ve accomplished more than I could’ve ever dreamed of, i’m 19 and it must be scary to some people to think that this is just the beginning. I know my talent level and i know i got my head on straight. i know who i am and i know who i’m not My messege is to to believe.”
“I honestly don’t care if you don’t believe in me because I believe in me, and look where that’s gotten me so far… I’m writing this with a smile on my face and love in my heart,” explained The Biebs.
The singer added, “Letting u know first hand how I feel rather than have these story linger. I’m a good person with a big heart. And don’t think I deserve all of this negative press I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am and my hard work doesn’t stop here. i’m growing up finding myself while having people watch me and criticise me everyday i think im doing pretty damn good.”
Bieber allegedly concluded, “And to those comparing me to Lindsay Lohan look at her 2012 tax statements ;).”

Just for the record, a significant part of how I earn a living is pointing out that Lindsay Lohan puts old, wealthy penises in her mouth for money, and that last line even made me say, “Yeesh, that was uncalled for.” So, thank you, Justin Bieber, for making me feel genuine concern for Lindsay Lohan and now I have to call Mike Frey and ask him if that’s how you get AIDS.

UPDATE: Apparently if she doesn’t have one of those “gay penises” that injects “HIV eggs” into the town reservoir via butt sex, I should be good.

I’m for putting that dickbag, Lindsay Lohan, anyone named Kardashian or Jenner, Russell Brand and Will Smith’s kids on a helicopter and flying it low and slow over an Al Qaeda base while screaming “Allah’s a pig fucker” over the loudspeaker.

Well, the gas mask is somewhat interesting, but I think you need to give this kid a break. He isn’t getting into fights at clubs, going on drunken rampages and chasing cars around at high speed, or beating his girlfriend up. He probably is just feeling the pressure of being scrutinized all the time.

I believe it was one of his wanna-be rappers wannabe-buddies who was driving the car at the time. And I don’t care what age you are, if you let any 20-year-old drive your new Ferrari, you’re well on the way to being a boner-honer.

Haters will always exist when people are successful, and you’re one of the many successful people around today. You’ve accomplished so much at such a young age that many can only dream of, and sadly, those people sometimes feel the need to spread negativity.

Don’t forget the positive influence you’ve made on millions of people! Stay focused on who you are and what’s inside your heart and you’ll make another 5 number one albums by the time you’re 29.

Gosh, I’m so glad you wrote this heartfelt comment here. Directly to him. After all, what better place to write a letter to someone than in the comments section of a website that consistently disparages them? I’m sure he’ll read this any second now; I’ll bet he’s probably read it already. Hell, I’ll bet he wrote it.

“It must be scary to some people to think that this is just the beginning.” Yes. I’m one of these. I hate his music, and I hate dodging it in the car, in the dentist’s waiting room, at the bar, etc. My only hope is that I’ll like him better once his voice changes.

Aggie and Butt, I don’t like to be “that guy”, but if you’re gonna correct someone’s spelling, make sure you’re correct first.

“I’ve accomplished more than I could’ve ever dreamed of” is a contraction of “I have accomplished more than I could have ever dreamed of”. This is correct. Could’ve is “could have”, not “could of”, as way to many semi-English speakers seem to think. While the ending “of” is not needed, it is not incorrect.

Has anyone ever thought more highly of a celebrity after one of these “whaa, whaa” social media rants? Ever? I’ve gone from indifference to further indifference, indifference to dislike, and from dislike to loathing, but that’s pretty much it.

If you’re a celebrity and you’re too stupid to listen to your publicist when they say “don’t fuckin’ post whiny shit you big idiot” then you’re probably at the point where you’re too fame-filled to know what’s good for you, anyway. I can’t blame the guy because literally 100% of his fame comes from tweens that thrive on this whiny crap, but he’s still not doing himself any favors with the people who aren’t in that category.

What’s with famous young male singers/slash/dancers, their infatuation with Jesus, and their seeing themselves as basically Jesus only without the gown, but with all that long walk up a hill with a cross of martyrdom and suffering? It’s because they get put on wires and levitate all around adoring multitudes during their concerts I bet. Also, this letter sounds like the letters I used to write my parents when they grounded me for travesties of justice like going to McDonald’s without permission.

Fame and money often mean “no life” and “few friends and fewer chances to actually SPEND money”. Go give him a break. Besides, he’s Canajun, eh, and spending too much time in England can expose you to some vile creatures.