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From the desk of Chaz Castlefield:

This week has been anything but boring for Zeta City. It started with the public retirement of Fastodon, the World’s Fastest Mammoth, who left a life of fame with the beloved Champions of our fair city for one of fortune…lots of fortune. Eager to bolster their ranks, The Champions put out the call for one—and only one—new recruit. And ever since then, viewers, it has been nothing but a mess. As a seemingly endless parade of new heroes march on Zeta City, sightings of these unwelcome do-gooders have been flooding the wire at an alarming rate.

For instance, Dino Cop, who was initially thought to be nothing more than an officer of the law with incredibly short arms, was first spotted doing a terrible job of directing traffic at a press conference held earlier this week by The Champions of Zeta City, where the group tried to clean up the PR damage caused by their “Heroes Wanted” classified ad. After bringing downtown to an absolute state of gridlock, Dino Cop used the opportunity to publically announce to the media her Champs candidacy and then loped off in search of bigger offenders than an aggressive driver cutting off a pedestrian. The one bright side to this story is that bookings at the 16th Precinct do confirm that she indeed can see you, even when you aren’t moving.

Then this morning police scrambled to Zeta City Park as what appeared to be a small extraterrestrial vessel crash-landed the middle of the main lawn and caused thousands of dollars in collateral damage. The vessel's occupant, Golden Lord, emerged from the wreckage with a flash of extra-dimensional energy and immediately began to apologize for the fuss profusely to standers-by, the police on the scene, and even a statue of our good mayor. Seemingly unscathed by the crash, he then began to give stupefied onlookers individual compliments and fitness tips before he disappeared in yet another blinding burst of light.

And only minutes ago, a humanoid volcano wearing a gi was seen levitating over Triumph Circle, fuming ash and…well, there is no other way to describe it other than barfing molten rock. A warning, viewers: the image that follows is, quite frankly, gross.

But as distressing as this sudden influx of costumed heroes and their…er, crime-fighting methods may be for the citizens of Zeta City, of even greater concern is the accompanying rise in villain activity. Just scant hours before Golden Lord’s craft crashed, word came from the park of a scantily clad mannequin assaulting early morning joggers. And only moments ago, this same plasticine prankster was allegedly flashing rude gestures at mall shoppers from a display window of a lingerie store.

When will this madness end, viewers? If only The Champions were not busy cleaning up after the sudden influx of hero hopefuls…