July 13, 2012

I am angry. Fiercely angry. Tired of hiding and sacrificing OUR lives angry. HE is back and taunting me. He mocks the restraining order, walks just on the line of what is legal and allowed. He walked bold as all get out through town while warrants are out for his arrest.

I will not run. I am not going to hide. I am no longer a victim.

Some consider this taunting him and asking for trouble. I say this is taking a stand. This IS MY TOWN! He needs to leave either in handcuffs or on his own.

At this point I don’t want to be told “Maybe you should move away from here.”

I am staying. Staying with my support. Staying with my church. Staying where my story is known already. Staying where we are cared for and are not anonymous.

June 20, 2012

The sun is shining and I am beginning to get that antsy feeling. Summer has started to whisper in my ear…the longer days and warmer nights…so languid. I want to go; I want to do; I want to lie in the shade of a tree watching the dappled sunshine filter through. I long to feel the tickle of his breath as we lie on a blanket and watch the world go by…

I want to feel safe to do these things. I want to know that my kids can play in the yard with out my hyper-vigilance, I want to feel safe to walk to the market on the corner for a ice cream with the kids without scrutinizing every vehicle that drives near us.

Summer is coming…and I want the freedom that it brings.

I want so many things..fingers tickling and trailing….

the ribbon of condensation on the outside of a glass

I want the blush of to much sun on my legs and shoulders

I want the sleepy feeling one gets from doing nothing in the heat….or doing to much….

June 19, 2012

So today I discovered something that disturbed me profoundly. My daughter who is 9 and developmentally delayed had a bruise on her neck and a scratch under her eye. I started to ask questions and discovered that the manner in which she plays with her friends is really quite physical. The need to be “tougher” than everyone else has been engrained in her from the time she was a baby by her father. So when someone challenges that she feels the need to prove, that she is indeed “tough”. So in this instance it meant that she withstand a fight with another (younger) little girl which ended in her having the scratch below her eye. I asked her why she felt like she had to do these things and she told me they were her friends and that she wants them to like her. [cue memories of me at her age trying to fit in and never really feeling secure]

I then asked her about the bruise on her neck a little while later, and she tells me that the same girl was “playing” and was pretending to choke her. I get that kids play around with all manner of activities, and what bothers me most is that my daughter is over half way to her 10th birthday is still so easily manipulated. So the discussion went through the whys and hows of what makes good and safe play activities and what makes unsafe and poor choices in play. I explained to her, that friends who care about you do NOT want to try to hurt you and should not be finding sport in your tears. [ cue the memories of all the different times the kids saw me nursing hurts and tears at the hands of their father]

I find that I question what did I teach my kids? When I hear my son take “that tone” with his girlfriend with out even realizing it. When my daughter accepts abusive playing because she just wants to get along and be liked. When my youngest son screams and yells and throws some of the most horrendous fits because he can’t get exactly what he wants…. All these learn behaviors and responses.

8 years of marriage, the last 4 progressively more and more abusive as the drugs slowly took over his life. I stuck it out because I thought that is what a good wife does. It took a long time before I felt like God released me, a lot of sleepless nights wondering where he was, and what he was doing and if he was still even alive. A lot of “PLEASE GOD, HEAL THIS MARRIAGE” or “Please God, make him the husband and me the wife that you desire…”

sometimes God has no answer

sometimes God waits for the right question or request.

Then there were the “How long God, must I endure this pain?” “How long God, is enough?” “When may I leave God?”

So when he came after me, it was that soft voice in my head saying “Go Now” so I walked out the door, and he came after me with the baseball bat…..I knew the time had come and I fled…

What does all this have to do with my daughter? Well, if I can learn to not be a subject of abuse, so can she. I will teach her to speak up. I will teach her to have self respect, self preservation, and self love. Love doesn’t mean hurting each other. Love doesn’t come with bruises and scratches. Love comes with tender kisses, gentle hugs, and verbal encouragement. I feel especially protective as she is special, she is my tender baby bird with the huge heart. She is the girl that has lost so much that I refuse to allow her to lose herself too. If she can’t stand up for herself than I will for her. Between God and me, we have her back…along with her three brothers.

Psalm 144:11-13

New King James Version (NKJV)

11 Rescue me and deliver me from the hand of foreigners,
Whose mouth speaks lying words,
And whose right hand is a right hand of falsehood—12 That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth;That our daughters may be as pillars,
Sculptured in palace style;

June 18, 2012

Well I am not truly single…that didn’t last long at all. I went from my dead marriage to a very much alive couplehood with my now boyfriend. It has been a bit of a struggle from time to time to find my footing as I deal emotionally with the loss of what I thought would be the rest of my life….and being blissful in what it is becoming. I am really happy!

I was repressed, abused, neglected, stifled, and smothered. When living with an addict it is impossible to find balance, peace, normality of any sort, or maintain healthy friendships. I now have freedom with Christ, freedom to find personal expression, freedom to define myself as I see fit.

These days my biggest struggles revolve around finding balance between God, kids, work (looking for), and the boyfriend. It has been fun sorting out the rolls and expectations in this new phase and so many other aspects I wont go into just ye

May 24, 2012

I’ve got a river of life flowing out of me Makes the lame to walk and the blind to see, Opens prison doors, sets the captive free. I’ve got a river of life flowing out of me. Chorus: Spring up, O well, within my soul. Spring up, O well, and make me whole Spring up, O well, and give to me That life abundantly (Repeat)

I have been a captive for so very long. A captive of lies (my own and the lies of others), a captive of fear, a captive of so many things that weren’t of God. So recently I have been making deliberate decisions on a daily basis.

Today: I am free

Today: I do NOT have to live in fear

Today: I am not a captive

Today: I live in honesty

Spring up o’ well, for my prison doors were thrown open and this captive has been set free.

Try as my (soon to be) ex might, he can not bring me down. He tries, he endeavors to manipulate, he strives to be difficult….it’s only serving to cause further problems for him. I wish him well, but please Lord: continue to protect me and the children.

May 17, 2012

I have been struggling lately with my expectations of others and how I measure up. If I am to expect another to be correct, right, and diligent: shouldn’t I? Why is it okay for me to bend the rules occasionally when it meets my needs but not okay for someone else. Well it isn’t alright. I need to be correct, right and diligent in my walk with God.

April 26, 2012

What does the casting out of fear look like in your life? I never really applied it until recently. I wish I could say that at the age of 38 I am strong, settled, and have it all figured out…you know what? I don’t have a clue some most days. I have spent most of my days stumbling, tripping and crashing around haphazardly hoping to land on the right thing.

My story is one that is convoluted at best. I have made so many mistakes, and hurt so many people in the process of my own damaging behavior. These days I am sowing the seeds that I have sown in my past, through a failed marriage, children that will have to cope with the repercussions from my mistakes. As I search for peace and struggle to find forgiveness for myself, I find I get anxious.

I want the answers now. I want a JOB. I want a HOME. I want to figure stuff out RIGHT. NOW.

As a indirect and direct result of my choices and the things that we are dealing with, the choices of my soon to be ex husband there are many compromises the children have been forced to make with me. First we do not have a home of our own anymore. The kids and I are living with family friends, because I do not have a job. I do not have a job because of poor choices on my part, and my need to fix things “my way”, I was terminated.

I am sharing all of this to illustrate what I am doing differently NOW. In this season, I am turning to God. I am turning to scripture, I am searching the Word of God. I am seeking out the counsel of other women of God, I am allowing myself to be held accountable by those that do really care about me.

Here is the crazy thing…as much as I want answers now…God is telling me to wait. to not fear. Everything that I am hearing comes down to casting away my fear and being patient and wait for God. So I am working to cast away fear and to bask in God’s Love knowing that his provision is enough and his timing is what is best for me.

1 John Chapter 4…

17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 19 We love Him[b] because He first loved us.

April 23, 2012

Whew what a weekend! The kids all fell like dominos with the flu, ending the weekend with us adults taking our turns with this violent and vicious flu bug. It was awful and truly humbling to find oneself one ones knees on the floor before the toilet. Unpleasant tobsay the least.

It is also terrible to watch your children both young and older suffer in misery. My kiddos ages run from 17, 14, 9 and 7. I don’t think it matters the age when your child suffers it hurts the heart. It made me think of how God hurts when he sees us suffer. Usually through our own sinful nature we disappoint our heavenly Father.

I think about how many times throughout my day I sin even with my private thoughts. How many times do I let my thoughts run to the uncharitable, mean spirited, or selfish? I cant help but feel shame when I think about how short I actually do fall.