Monday, January 13, 2014

I thought I was okay with the fact that my uncle died. I mean lets be honest since my parents' divorce I haven't really seen or been associated with any of my dad's side of the family. But all of a sudden scrolling through Facebook I see pictures of him and the sad posts of my aunt and my cousins. In fact he had been struggling so much with his health, that I know everyone is glad he is out of his misery. Yet I lay here crying and full of sorrow, feeling much worse than I did when I got the news. I guess it all feels more real now.

Death scares me because it is truly the end. No takebacksies. I will never see him again and despite our dwindled relationship, I think back to my childhood and it makes me miss everything even more. The fact that I even contacted my father today just goes to show how terrible I feel about this. My father. How can things have changed so much. Our father/daughter relationship has done a 180. He was my favorite and we did everything together and I truly was a "daddy's girl" (even had the shirt). But now my hate for him is so strong that I only go to him when I am at my weakest. To make matters worse I fear that since he is getting older and hasn't always had the best health, that I might lose him forever. And I am not ready for that.

When did my life get so complicated? I blame this emotional breakdown on the movie "Stuck in Love". I have never connected so much with a movie. I know my life is so much different than that movie, but I related to it so much. I feel like a less rebellious version of Samantha Bergens. The way her parent's divorce ruined love for her. We both lost faith in love and are so guarded; afraid of getting hurt. Of course I haven't reached my happy ending like the movie did, I've never watched a movie that struck so much emotion in me.

Now I lay here upset and unsure. Writing it all out helps though. Even if it is the shittiest writing ever; just my random thoughts, it makes me feel better. I can only hope that someday there will be a light at the end of this dark tunnel. That I will find my Louis/Logan Lerman. I know things will never be perfect because I am a realist, but I do hope that someday I can be happier than I am tonight.