Justin Bieber: Pot Smoker

Justin Drew Bieber is a pot smoker. It’s official. The innocence of the Canadian disappeared the second the photographs of Bieber smoking what is 100 percent a blunt were posted to TMZ. And while most of the press is up in arms about Bieber’s herbal appreciation, there is no reason to be upset. These kinds of things happen. Teenagers—when they’re not busy being the worst people ever—smoke pot, even multi-millionaire ones with fantastic hair.

Now that Bieber is a known toker, there really is only one thing left to contemplate: Just what kind of pot smoker is he? Below are some common types to consider:

** The Lunchbox. **The Lunchbox does one thing and one thing only: lunches. This kind of pot smoker never, ever, stops laughing. Want to have an in-depth discussion on the cultural implications of the inevitable collapse of small-town newspapers? Too bad, because the Lunchbox is lunching. Want to just share your theory that Quantum Leap was doomed the second its writers decided "Uh, make Sam a woman!" was a suitable plot point? The Lunchbox can’t because he is on the floor laughing while saying "Bakula" over and over again. This kind of smoker is typically inexperienced, so there’s a high (Lunchbos reading this are dying at that pun) probability Bieber falls into this category.

** The Tweaker. **Can’t find the Tweaker after you’re done burning one? Check the windows. The Tweaker is definitely peeking out through the blinds. This kind of pot smoker is extremely paranoid and rightfully so; the Tweaker has been arrested at least once for possession. The Tweaker will ironically yell "Be cool!" at people and can be found pacing back and forth and ruining everyone’s good time. Given that Bieber is a huge celebrity and therefore worried about his image, there’s a 50/50 chance he’s a Tweaker.

** The Zombie. **The Zombie is difficult to describe because this kind of pot smoker never actually speaks. It doesn’t matter what is happening around him or her, the Zombie is zoned the fuck out. The Zombie also—no matter time of day it is—has bedhead, and is 94.6-percent likely to be wearing a LCD Soundsystem T-shirt. Bieber would never allow his hair to be anything less than perfect, so there’s almost no shot he’s The Zombie.

** The Snake. **The Snake is always smoking pot with you—despite never being invited to smoke pot with you. You’re about to turn and pass the bong to your friend, and bam! There’s the Snake, intercepting it with a smile. Because the Snake is so sneaky, it’s often difficult to tell him apart from other pot smokers, so here’s a tip: Ask the person in question to display a form of currency that doesn’t have pocket lint attached to it. If the person pulls a clean bill out, they are not The Snake. Bieber is a young man with excessive amounts of money and millions of adoring fans. He doesn’t need to be shady about smoking. But then again, he has zero people to tell him not to be that way. Bieber the Snake? Never say never.

Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement (effective 1/4/2014) and Privacy Policy (effective 1/4/2014). GQ may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our Affiliate Partnerships with retailers. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with prior written permission of Condé Nast.