Wow, it feels like FOREVER since I finished my last piece! This year has not been conducive to creating art. I’ve done my best despite the circumstances which kept popping up (moving, medications, long ME flares, devoting a ton of time to the gallery show, stress from my recent battle among other things) but it’s felt like a very dry year creatively. All I can do is my best though, and even when the ME really cramps my style, I still manage to get pieces finished… just much more slowly than I would like.

It was in this depressed feeling of “I haven’t created anything in the longest time imaginable” that today’s image was born. When my regular creative outlets are blocked to me (by, say, solid weeks of migraines as I adjust to each new medication dosage), I become despondent and depressed. Life slowly loses its flavor and color and if I’m not careful, I’ll sink into a pit of despair just like Artax in The Neverending Story. Luckily, I have Geoff and my friends and family around to cheer me on and make sure I never sink too low, but much of it is outside of anyone’s control.

As I mentally pictured how I felt, this was it. A big, ugly cloud of despair, depression, worthlessness, swirling around my head. But this time, unlike my last self portrait which explored a similar theme, I wanted to show a bit of hope at the same time. The cloud is surrounded, penetrated and pierced by beautiful, golden rays of light. They stream in through the darkness, weaving through its thick blackness. The darkness cannot survive in the light. It will be broken up and dissipate. And while I know this will probably not be my last battle with depression, I also know that each round will eventually be over… and once again, the light will have won. That is the hope I cling to when the clouds cover me.

I’d like to mention my friend and very talented photographer Robert Cornelius’s Dust to Dust series as it provided some inspiration in my planning out of the darkness cloud. Thanks, Robert! 🙂 He’s an incredible photographer and all-around cool dude, so check out his work if you’re not familiar with it!

This image belongs to my Eternal Storms series on depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. These topics are still seen as quite taboo to discuss, something I hope to help with by portraying what living with them is like openly and honestly. Silence and shame never helped a single illness get cured. We need to be able to speak openly about our experiences, without judgement or fear, if we’re ever going to healed from them.

Do you have depression? Try being a little more honest next time a trusted friend asks how you are. You don’t have to go into excruciating detail, but try to avoid the temptation to simply answer “fine,” unless you actually are. And if you have friends or family who you suspect or know suffer from any kind of mental ailment? Invite them to tell you about it, ask some questions, assuring them that talking to you is safe and you will not judge them or call them crazy. It is crucialthat you answer whatever they tell you with love. It is incredibly hard for people to open up and talk to others about these problems, so take their trust very seriously and treat it with the gentlest and greatest respect.

As we approach Thanksgiving, let’s be thankful for the help and support we have. For the people dedicated to helping us win our fight. For the people who will listen to us with only love and understanding in their hearts. The people who give us hope. The inner strength we are able to find when we think we’ve exhausted it all. Those extra beams of light when we need them the most. We need more people like this in the world. Let’s try and all be them to each other. The simple fact that there are people in the world who try to reach this goal is something I am very thankful for!

Here’s something I’ve never done before: create an image intending for it to be black and white! I have one other image that was converted for a magazine which required it to be black and white to print it. I LOVE me some color. I like using color strategically and thoughtfully. But something made me think about doing this most recent image in black and white and I loved the idea. It would be a bit of a challenge and a stretch for me and that’s a good thing.

This image came to be through two sources. One was a way to help me deal with the grief I was still feeling. The other was this astonishingly beautiful solo by Ricky Ubeda for the show So You Think You Can Dance, and the gorgeous music and poetic lyrics by David J. Roch.

Don’t lose your soul as your eyes roll shutDon’t worry, it will be over

You know what’s to come to not accept thisDon’t lose your soul, you must fight for each breathDon’t go quietly

My soul has flown and I am what is leftI am skin and bones

Who else can look exactly like a leaf being blown across the stage??

When I first watched this dance, it was on a day when I was heavily grieving and I started weeping uncontrollably as I watched it… and was still compelled to rewind the DVR and watch it over and over. I’ve probably seen it 20 times now in about a week. I immediately tracked the song down, downloaded it on Itunes and have been listening to it on repeat in the car since then.

I can’t quite verbalize what it is about this performance that moves me so much, which is part of why art exists; to give voice to that which we can’t say. Though it brought so many tears out of me, there was a hopeful, soothing quality to it within the darkness. And since I can’t tell you exactly how it makes me feel, the next best thing I could do was create a self portrait.

With Ricky’s evocative dance, David J. Roch’s sober lyrics and Andrew’s death rolling around inside my head, I shot a self portrait which was, as it usually is, very healing to do. I felt lighter after it.

The “I am skin and bones” refrain immediately made me think of black and white; the visual equivalent of being reduced to simple skin and bones. The door and handle are holding my body up, and my face is mostly in shadows to reflect both the dark lyrics and my dark emotional state.

I purposely left on my metal bracelet, which I wear every day. It was made by a lovely person on Etsy who will hammer whatever phrase you’d like onto your bracelet. Mine reads “That’s what heroes are for.” A daily reminder to be brave, to continue striving, to be ready to sacrifice for that which is important. And to me, it was vitally important to include it within this self portrait. Though its meaning will only be known to me and those reading this, it is a flash of hope and strength at a time when it was most needed.

And that is all I can verbalize about the meaning of this image. Editing in black and white definitely used different artistic muscles. I enjoyed the change of pace, but I don’t see myself becoming solely a black and white photographer; I love color too much.

I hope you enjoy this experiment down the black and white lane! And I also hope that you will vote for Ricky Ubeda in the upcoming weeks of So You Think You Can Dance; I already believe (and hope) he could win the whole contest! Thank you to Ricky and David J. Roch for providing the art that I needed just when I needed it. Full song lyrics are below the photo!

Skin and Bones

Skin and Bones – detail

Skin and bones, by David J Roch:

Don’t lose your soul as your eyes roll shutDon’t worry, it will be overHold on though, you’re alone, I am there with youThat much at least I can promise

You know what’s to come to not accept thisDon’t lose your soul, you must fight for each breathDon’t go quietly

Don’t cry out for GodJust breathe in and outDon’t cry out for GodJust breathe in and out

We are but lambs to the slaughter nowI have no fear of death itselfSo don’t try and save me and please, God, forsake meI’ll suffer alone, I just want to be left