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Social media makes preteen girls feel disconnected

We know that girls today are spending most of their time connecting online, instead of connecting in person says educator and coach Lindsay Sealey,

Educator Lindsay Sealey, author of Growing Strong Girls: Practical Tools to Cultivate Connection in the Pre-Teen Years., says the key to protecting girls from the negative influences of social media lies in a strong bond with parents and other adult role models.

By Brandie WeikleSpecial to the Star

Wed., Sept. 6, 2017

The first week of school has always presented a strong possibility of anxiety — or at least a case of the butterflies — about fitting in with peers.

But social media has taken that quest for social acceptance and raised the stakes exponentially. And girls bear the brunt of this, says educator and coach Lindsay Sealey, author of a new book called Growing Strong Girls: Practical Tools to Cultivate Connection in the Pre-Teen Years.

I talked to Sealey about what it takes to navigate this world with daughters. Here’s some of what she had to say.

How does the dominance of social media as a means of connecting and communicating affect girls?

Well we know that girls today are spending most of their time connecting online, instead of connecting in person. As a result they are actually feeling more alone and isolated than at any other time. It’s interesting because they look to social media to connect and to feel calm, and what they get is actually a sense of disconnection and more stimulation and stress than ever before.

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So they look to it to feel calm — ‘I’m going to relax and check out what’s happening on Snapchat and Instagram’ — but actually what they’re finding there is not so relaxing?

On a basic level it’s a lot of stimulation. But adding to that it’s what they see. We know that they’re looking at lots of images, probably more than 3,000 a day, and seeing these idealistic, perfectionist pictures of celebrities and they’re thinking that that is real. And they’re also very triggered by the posts of other girls. So automatically, without being conscious of it, they’re doing that quick comparison. And they’re assuming, “She’s prettier, she’s smarter, she’s better, she’s thinner, she’s more accomplished,” and they’re really coming up short and feeling not good enough.

You write that they’re not only doing these comparisons, but that they’re living in a world of cyberbullying and of “micro-celebrity” — this notion of creating they’re own “brand” at , say, 11. This can sound like a bit of a sad outlook for girls, but your book emphasizes the power of connection with family, with teachers, with other role models as a bit of an inoculation against the worst effects of social media. So why is that so important?

I know that there’s a lot of scary statistics about preteen girls and I think parents are completely overwhelmed, confused and really afraid for their daughters right now. But when we create this safe space for her to come to, she’s going to feel secure, confident, strong in herself. When we don’t provide that safe space, she’s longing for connection, so she’s going to look elsewhere. And unfortunately they’re looking in chat rooms, on social media and they’re looking to their peers for guidance. I want us, the healthy trusted adults in her life to create that sense of dependence, so that we can then nurture her independence. We can help her feel strong and be strong as she navigates all the changes and challenges that come with girlhood.

So what does that safe space look like then?

I think we always want to start with coming from a place of curiosity rather than criticism. We know young girls are hyper-sensitive to all nuances in communications so we want to be open in how we talk to her, so that warm and friendly tone, asking her about the highlights and lowlights of her day, rather than more of a closed question, “How are you doing?” because we know we’re always going to get “fine.” And really trying to find common ground with the girls in our lives, so that means being able to enter her world, being able to talk to her about the things we know matter most to her, namely her friends, social media and the stressors that come with a day at school.

Does that mean being active on the social networks they use? Connecting around a show she really likes?

Always chatting, ongoing communication and I think it’s really important for parents to be involved in social media so they know what’s going on, they’re in her world. Something that’s great is asking for her help on social media. Something that would take me five hours to figure out takes her one second, so when I can ask her a question and she can share her expertise, girls feel great about that.

In terms of connection, what is the neuroscience link?

Neuroscience tells us — and this goes back to attachment theory — that we are hard-wired for connection and it is necessary to feel that sense of safety and security and in doing so that really calms down the brain and the body. We know that girls are more stressed and anxious than ever before so we want to help her find that place of calm and we do that in our relationship. So not only are we building that closeness and intimacy with her, but it’s also calming her down.

So when we see our girls being so drawn into the world of what’s happening on their phones, what can we do to draw them out of that space and to ground them to their in-real-life support network and to their true value?

Have conversations with our girls about boundaries on their phone. They need time offline and to find that sense of calm. And in that offline time, that’s where we come in and connect with her. I think it’s so important to focus on the girl herself and who she’s becoming, and we can do that by following her interests and talents, helping her to develop in that way. I think there’s also a lot of focus on appearance. We know girls are trying to be sexy sooner and sooner. So I think it’s really important to also set goals and plan for their future. When girls work hard and they experience grit and determination, and they build their own self-confidence, there is much less need to search for that confidence outside of themselves.

Brandie Weikle is a parenting expert and the host of The New Family Podcast and editor of thenewfamily.com

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