Mirror Mirror Off the Wall

Making character our primary focus does not mean that we should go around unkempt, wearing a burlap sack.

Rumor has it that certain left wing kibbutzim eat pork on Yom Kippur. Their ostensible goal is to demonstrate that the day is completely irrelevant to them. I always thought that if it truly meant nothing, they would treat it as a regular day and not arrange a dramatically defiant repast. Clearly it still holds some power over them.

Likewise with children who fight with their parents to prove their independence. True independence doesn’t need to be asserted. Children who have matured and cultivated their own individuality and sense of self don’t need to provoke a fight with their parents to show it.

And I think the same also applies to Kjerstin Gruys, a UCLA doctoral student, who spent a year not looking in any mirrors in order to separate herself from an unhealthy obsession with body image (and presumably to write the recently released book, Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall: How I Learned to Love My Body by Not Looking at It for a Year). It’s not the mirror that’s the problem (although she does claim that the average woman looks in the mirror 70 times a day – how is that possible? Aren’t we all too busy for that?!). As with the other examples, true independence from her obsession would make mirrors irrelevant, not taboo.

I certainly agree with Ms. Gruys that 70 times a day seems, shall we say, a bit much. But I don’t think the mirrors are really the problem. The desire to look attractive is hard-wired. It’s natural and normal. And can even be good (I actually wish that some of those baristas at Starbucks with the tongue piercings and oversized holes in the ears would look in the mirror a little more frequently!). We want to make sure that we are presenting an appropriate image of ourselves.

And that’s where the problem lies. Obsession with looks to the detriment of all else means we’ve missed one of life’s crucial lessons along the way, a lesson that can’t be learned by simply avoiding all mirrors.

It means that no one taught us that our internal self is more important than our external self. No one advised us to emphasize character over beauty. Or if they did, we didn’t believe them because we didn’t see anyone truly living that way. And that’s a real shame.

It’s a delicate balance. Making character our primary focus does not mean that we should go around unwashed, unkempt and wearing a burlap sack. That’s also not independence.

Concern with our physical appearance is here to stay. It just shouldn’t be our main emphasis.

We want to look presentable. We want to look dignified. We want our looks to reflect our inner good. We don’t want to look like we don’t care and we don’t want to look like we care too much. We don’t want to be obsessed and we don’t want to be cavalier. We want a healthy balance, a healthy relationship with ourselves, a healthy perspective on our bodies, a healthy attitude towards our external presentation and a healthy focus on our character traits and the inner life of our souls.

Extreme reactions aren’t usually effective. Just like fad diets don’t last and a ban on sugar leads to binging. Mirrors are a part of our lives. Concern with our physical appearance is here to stay. It just shouldn’t be our main emphasis.

Ms. Gruys was certainly right to try to deemphasize the role of looks; to diminish the time spent looking in the mirror. But if all the time and effort spent focusing on the outer self wasn’t replaced with a focus on developing the inner person then perhaps the whole experiment was for naught. To wit, her breakdown purchase of “Tammy Fay”-style fake eye lashes a few weeks before her wedding. Even though she ultimately pulled them off…ouch!

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 8

(7)
donna brocker,
June 6, 2013 7:39 PM

Queen Esther should be our role model

Dear Emuna,

I loved your article because I think that for women it can be very hard to get modesty/tzniut right - often times looking at very religious women you get the feeling that they feel it is a crime to be attractive/beautiful and yes there is a fine line between attractive and attracting! I love that you are article give orthodox women the permission to be stunning, healthy, in shape, and down right pretty and beautiful and well put together and not to feel that this is not modest :) If Hashem sent earrings with the manna, and if the sages decided that cosmetics should be sold in every town, then yes, its not only our middot that count! Hashem made the world beautiful and creative and modesty should be done in the best possible way it can (not frumpily) so that we stand before our King with pride, just as Queen Esther stood before her earthly king. And we should be WOW so that the world will look and think - those jewish ladies have got it all! Great families, so balanced, so modest and dignified, with inner beauty, but also so elegant. Thanks Emuna!!!

(6)
Gabrielle,
June 6, 2013 6:04 PM

I believe that our immage is important, like said it reflects who you are and how you are. In this world we go from one fashion to the next, form one style to the next everything changes so fast. But God He is the same, and aren't our bodies temples of the Holy Spirit? Were we not created to His immage? Balance! I'm a mother of 3 beautiful daughters they are young and beautiful but the body is flesh it will fade as fashion does. And your inner beauty will stay with you for eternity. So then? Balance!

(5)
Anonymous,
June 3, 2013 5:05 PM

I think the words balance and moderation are two of my favorite adjectives. This article reinforces that belief.

(4)
Annie,
June 3, 2013 4:42 AM

Oh, those huge piercings-they are so ugly and look so painful ! What will happen when the fashion dies ? Their ears will never shrink back, they'll have those huge holes forever. These only look all right on people like Masai warriors. Actually, they're not great even on them, really. But tender-looking, swollen pink ears-ugh !

70x a day ? that's once every 13 minutes. Who looks in the mirror that often ? I don't know how often I do. I SEE myself in a mirror every time I am in the bathroom and bedroom or use a public lavatory, but even these wouldn't add up to 70. Maybe if one counted every time one sees oneself reflected...but I don't do that every 13 minutes !!!

(3)
TMay,
June 2, 2013 10:30 PM

FYI

The tattoo process can introduce hepatitis into the body which can take years to show up.

(2)
ruth housman,
June 2, 2013 3:40 PM

outer and inner

I think it's hard, often, not to judge others, who wear nose rings and belly button rings, and do these piercings which do make me shudder. I don't like them. But I try, to not be judgmental. There has to be a reason these exist, and that reason, is could be mine to fathom, if people come to me, wanting to know why they do things, like wear dreadlocks, or cut their hair very very short, but if they don't, and I notice, I try not to judge them. My own ways of being, could be deemed, if a camera followed me, to be equally "weird". And this applies to tattoos so frequently denigrated, OUCH and to other practices I do not follow.

All the same it's a wide wide world, and so I try, hard, to know the person within, and that generally leads me to not see, these things that I have somehow learned to be bothered by. There is a person within us all, and often a sensitive, hurting, caring person. I would not be to quick to judge, And as for mirrors, we all hold them to ourselves in myriad metaphoric ways. Excess is bad, and moderation for sure, to be the goal. But life, seems to provide us endless things to judge, and endless ways to feel, we are somehow doing the "right thing", and for me, the learning experience has to be not just to think outside the "box", but to "box" with my own feelings and even, redesign the box. I would say, put a heart on it. And I think you would too. But please try not to judge. I heard that RAP was not music by a rabbi on line, and that's untrue. It's a kind of poetry and also in many cases, a true voice of social conscience.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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