‘Bachelor’ Sean Lost His V-Card, Reese Witherspoon Was Arrested, Ann Curry Was Backstabbed + More in This Week’s Tabloids

We read National Enquirer, Star, OK!, Us Weekly and Life & Style this week, and now you don’t have to. We’re givers.

It’s a banner tabloid week — we managed to find five that didn’t feature a Kardashian as their main cover photo.

You may not have heard, but Reese Witherspoon got arrested, The Rock was haunted by a family tragedy, Jennifer Aniston doesn’t care if Justin Theroux gets all her dough as long as she finally gets married, Ann Curry is Big Bird and that’s why she left the ‘Today Show,’ the virginal Bachelor Sean finally had his way with whatever couldn’t outrun him — and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.

National Enquirer

National Enquirer

The National Enquirer has done some investigative reporting and found out exclusively why the Boston bombing brothers did it. Exclamation. They also found out they lived twisted lives of drugs, porn and booze. You know, your normal everyday Islamic traditions.

They also found out what the widow of the bomber who was killed knows. Probably that swapping vows with a crazy person isn’t advisable.

Dick Van Dyke has a brain disease killing him. Even though it was just recently diagnosed, doctors say he’s been living with it for years. One of the symptoms that often goes unnoticed is an inability to see living room furniture, causing the sufferer to trip over stools and other furnishings in black and white settings.

While they still had their investigative reporting hats on, the sleuths at the Enquirer also looked into Reese Witherspoon’s arrest and figured out what drove her to booze. They read the police report and discovered it was her husband, who we all know was arrested for actually being the driver with the booze. Way to dig for it, guys. Nothing gets past you.

Oh, and just one more thing. The Feds are hiding facts about the Boston bombing. Either that, or they’re hiding more gory photos. We know how upset the National Enquirer gets when they don’t have those gory photos themselves.

Star

Star

Star magazine both frightens and delights us with 60 new photos of the best and worst, sexy, skinny and scary beach bodies. The photo doctors at Star have been in and there is fresh cellulite, flab and strange boobage on all the celebs the magazine doesn’t like this week — and freshly shaped waists, thighs and abs on all the stars whose photoshopped butts needed kissing by the publication.

Expect more of the same for the next several months.

Since none of the Kardashians made the list of scary beach bodies, Star had to relegate poor Kim and her divorce to a small area at the top of the cover. Apparently, she conned ex-husband Kris again. In italics. Which is magazine cover code for “is there nothing this woman won’t do?”

The answer, by the way is, “Not if there’s money involved.” But – not that we like to credit Kimmy K ever – that Kris guy still seems like an easy mark.

Did you know The Rock is being haunted by a family tragedy? Particularly, the fact that his parents gave him the name Dwayne and the best he could do was call himself The Rock – after he was known as Flex Kavana. So far, he’s only got one child, but she has a normal name so it seems the good news is that this bad naming anomaly will likely end with her and the haunting will be over.

Star also went inside Reese Witherspoon’s arrest. We aren’t sure if they needed special equipment to do this and if it’s anything like going inside the Matrix. But we really hope so because it would be sweet to see Reese going all Neo on those cops while saying, “Do you know who I am?!”

OK!

OK!

Jennifer Anistonsays “no” to a prenup with fiancé Justin Theroux. OK! knows why she’s risking $150 million for love. Hell, we’ve risked our dignity and our pride for a nice dinner and a decent glass of wine. Don’t be so judgy, tabloid taskmasters.

Good news! J.Lo got her butt back! Now she just needs to get on the beach so she can make the cover of one of the “best beach body” tabloid spreads while they still like her and will airbrush it all perky and tight.

Anyway, OK! found out that she took it in to be resized and it was finally returned to her looking like the juicy double we all know and love. Either that or Casper the friendly boyfriend accidentally tossed it in the dryer with the towels. Take your pick.

Prince William and Kate Middleton have revealed their baby name. Sources say they plan to call the royal child Media Blitz Who Finally Made the Royals Likable. Or maybe they’ll just stick with Baby Bump, since that’s what the papers have already named it anyway.

It’s not a tabloid cover without Kim Kardashian, and word on the street is that Kanye is moving to Paris. He decided that he’d fit in much better there since many in the City of Light have a snobbish disdain for Americans, too. Bonus: He’ll be really far away from Kim.

Us Weekly

Us Weekly

You never see Ann Curry on the cover of a tabloid, but she deserves the honor after being stabbed in the back by all the jackasses at ‘The Today Show.’ They called her “Big Bird” and plotted to get rid of her. Her coworkers tortured her and she won’t forgive Matt Lauer. Like, ever. But at least she’s free now to fulfill her destiny as a Thai food chef.

(Give it a sec. You’ll see what we did there.)

Hey! Guess what? Reese Witherspoon got arrested! We’re positive you hadn’t heard since it’s only on the cover of pretty much every publication ever.

Sure, she was drunk and disorderly, but mostly she’s guilty of letting the producers of her lastest project talk her into coloring her hair a hideous shade of brown. No wonder she needed a cocktail.

Even though she wasn’t bigger news than Ann Curry this week, Kim Kardashian is living life without Kanye and having a lonely pregnancy. Her and her millions and millions of TV viewers and Twitter and Instagram followers. But other than that? Totes alone.

Meanwhile, Sharon Osbourne is fighting to save her family. She told Ozzy, “It’s me or the drugs.” He spent a lot of time wrestling with the decision, and finally gave the heartfelt response, “Warhgh berflarghyen fyurjen mrflurbajerb.”

Life & Style

Life & Style

This might shock you, but Bachelor Sean is a virgin no more. Life & Style has details from the night he broke his vow, although you can probably figure out how it went on your own.

Of course, now that he’s given up his vow of celibacy, his fianceé Catherine fears he’s lost all control and is cheating with his sexy dance partner from ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ Or his publicist is just really good at making sure he gets on the cover of a tabloid as much as possible without having to bed a Kardashian.

Speaking of a Kardashian, we don’t know if you know this, but Kim and Kanye have been spending a lot of time apart. It’s possible you missed it on the other tab covers. Anyhow, now Kim’s mom is begging, “Come home, Kanye.” Probably because having the couple apart like this means the tabloids are paying less attention to them. That type of thing makes Kris wake up in a cold sweat.

Oh look, seems a very lucky Rachel McAdams went on a hot date with Bradley Cooper. We think this should continue. It’s possible that the beauty of their future children could be harnessed and turned into electricity and we could all stop depending on fossil fuels.

WAIT. THIS JUST IN. Reese Witherspoon was arrested, you guys! She is now a good girl gone bad.

Man. Given the wall-to-wall coverage of this story, tabloid offices must have been lousy with wet pants the night it happened. (Confidential to Reese: Keep an eye on your morning coffee. Someone’s probably trying to spike it for the resulting photo op.)

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