How Can I Deal With My Child's Whining?

Q: My 5-year-old daughter whines and begs for things and when she doesn't want to do something until I'm so worn down I give in. Why does she keep doing this, and what should I do?

A: "Do we have to do this column? We don't wanna do this column. We just don't FEEL like doing it, that's why. Why do we have to do this column?" All that whining and begging coming from The Family Project 's parenting professionals gives you the big reason why you need to do something now about your little girl's whining and begging.

You know you hate whining adults. But that's what whining, begging kids have a good chance of turning into. So, you ask, why does your daughter whine and beg? Well, the short answer, panelists say, is that it works.

You've already admitted as much: "I'm so worn down I give in." As long as you keep giving in, they say, the whining will continue, because you've taught your daughter that it gets her what she wants.

But there's a longer answer, too. According to the panelists, whining and begging are part of a perfectly normal stage of development for a child your daughter's age. There's good news and bad news here, they say. The good news: Your little girl has moved beyond the baby stage, in which you have to more or less guess what she wants, and also beyond the toddler tantrum stage, where she cries and flails and screams. She's starting to use language to express her wants, needs and frustrations. The bad news: Her whining and begging is really just "a tantrum with words," as panelist Joanne Nigito puts it.

You now have to teach her how to express herself verbally in a way that doesn't get on your nerves so much. Inasmuch as whining is a learned behavior, it can be unlearned, too. To start your child on a better path, panelists say, first notice why, when and where she whines. The quickest ways to produce a whining child, they say, are to allow him or her to get overly hungry, thirsty, tired, bored or stimulated. The next time your child whines, they suggest, don't overreact and yell, punish or automatically give in, but check and correct those situations first.

It's a hard thing to face, but often simply going to a store filled with colorful toys or snacks at a child's eye level is too much stimulation for a young child. And so is a level of activity adults can handle. Be especially sensitive, panelists say, to whether you're pushing your daughter beyond her physical or emotional limits because of adult needs or desires to get things done. Whining tends to escalate, panelists say, in situations in which children sense they have no power.

Another reason your daughter might be whining more, panelists say, is that she's having difficulty making the big adjustments to the new structures and people associated with entering kindergarten, a very stressful situation for a child that can make some kids revert to more childish behavior. She's probably quickly learned she can't get away with whining to her teacher, so the whining may be intensifying at home. Once she gets used to her new situation, the whining may decrease, especially if you don't encourage it by rewarding it by giving in or making too much of a fuss over it.

Still another thing to check is whether certain settings trigger her whining. For example, if it regularly happens in the grocery store, one way to stop it is to make clear your expectations for her behavior in advance of putting her in the setting. For example, tell her she can help pick out cereal but there won't be any candy treats this time. Or specify that she can have, say, a small toy -- if she asks for it without whining. Panelists say giving your child actual words to use in asking for something -- such as "please" and "may I have" instead of "I want" or "get me"-- and modeling a tone of voice to her may well help curb her whining.

Humor is another good way to stop it in its tracks: "You know, sweetie, I can't hear you when you're whining" is a fine response if you're prepared or ignore her after that. So is: "I don't understand you when you use that tone of voice." "Could you ask for that another way?" also might work. The challenge of rewording the request will take so much mental energy the whine, and likely the request, will go away. Panelists say, however, a whining child isn't always all the child's problem.

Ask yourself how well you pay attention to your child on a regular basis. Some whining, says panelist Roberta Zelleke, "can be a result of a parent's lack of responsiveness." Are you usually too tired or too busy to listen to a normal child voice?

Panelist Bill Vogler says it "can be really easy to give in to whining" because "it's so annoying you just want it to stop." You can even get painted by others as being a bad parent or overly strict if you don't give in. "People will say, "Oh, you're being so mean to him! Just give him the candy."' he says. Try not to cave.

familyproject@mcall.com 610-820-6562 The Family Project is a collaboration between The Morning Call and parenting professionals brought together by the Valley Youth House program Project Child, the Lehigh Valley's child-abuse prevention coalition.

Look first for an obvious physical cause. Consider hunger, thirst, fatigue, uncomfortable clothing or shoes or position, or even illness, such as an ear infection, fever, upset stomach or cold.

Persistent or chronic whining could even signal a mood or attention disorder.

Limit frustration. Provide age-appropriate activities and time schedules and contact with children the child's own age. Being expected to keep up with older kids all the time can be draining.

Encourage your child to "use your words." Provide some that are acceptable.

Whine back. Demonstrate the difference between a whiny tone of voice and a normal tone of voice. Ask your child to tell you which is more pleasant.

Tell your child when he is whining. Then remind him or her firmly that you will not respond to it. Then ignore it by limiting eye contact and verbal communication. Avoid triggers. Stay away from situations or places that trigger whining and/or explain appropriate, expected behavior in advance.

Don't label your child a "whiner." It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Stay calm. When a child knows whining will fluster or upset you, he's got one over on you. Don't try to "reason" or "bargain" with a whiner. Kids who've gotten to whining are past rational. They're just one big emotion.

Make a joke of it. Funny sayings or faces are a good response.

Accept a little bit of whining. For example, if a child is whining because he or she has to go to the bathroom and you're stuck in traffic, tell him it's one time he can whine all he wants if it means he'll stay dry. Ask other parents what they do when their children whine. All children will. Other parents can probably offer more tips.

Call for parenting help. If you feel yourself at the end of your rope, try Project Child's 24-hour parenting line: 610-691-1200.

THE TOPIC TEAM Parenting experts who helped with this installment of The Family Project : Denise Continenza, family living specialist for Penn State University's Lehigh County Cooperative Extension, South Whitehall Township. Ann Friedenheim, clinical supervisor for Confront, Allentown. Marcie Lightwood, program coordinator for Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House. Joanne Nigito, registered play therapist and parenting educator, Bethlehem. Bill Vogler, executive director of Family and Counseling Services of the Lehigh Valley, Allentown. Roberta Zelleke, assistant director of the Early Head Start program, Community Services for Children, Allentown.