Guilt is a common feeling in the
landscape of caregiving. Guilt can propel you to be the
best you can be…or it can immobilize you.

For caregivers, painful feelings — such as guilt,
sadness and anger — are like any other pain. It’s your
body’s way of saying, “Pay attention.” Just as the pain
of a burned finger pulls your hand from the stove, so,
too, guilt guides your actions and optimizes your
health.

You have a picture of the “Ideal You” with values you
hold and how you relate to yourself and others. Guilt
often arises when there’s a mismatch between your
day-to-day choices and the choices the “Ideal You” would
have made. The “Ideal You” may be a parent who attends
all of the kids’ soccer games. Miss a game to take your
dad to the doctor, and you think you’re falling short.

You may have needs out of line with this “Ideal You.”
You may believe that your own needs are insignificant,
compared to the needs of your sick loved one. You then
feel guilty when you even recognize your needs, much
less act upon them. A mother may ask herself, “How can I
go out for a walk with my kids when my mother is at home
in pain?” (A hint for this mother: she can give more to
her mother with an open heart when she takes good care
of herself.)

You may have feelings misaligned with the “Ideal You.”
Feeling angry about the injustice of your loved one’s
illness? You might even feel angry at your loved one for
getting sick! Recognizing those feelings can produce a
healthy dose of guilt. Yes, you may even feel guilty
about feeling guilty.

“Why did my loved one get sick?” you may ask. Perhaps,
if the “Ideal You” acted more often, your loved one
would be healthy. What if you served more healthful
meals? What if you called 911, instead of believing your
husband when he said his chest pain was just “a little
heartburn”?

If you’re the kind of person prone to guilt, learn to
manage guilt so that guilt serves you rather than
imprisons you. Here are eight tips for managing your
caregiver guilt:

Recognize the feeling of guilt : Unrecognized guilt eats
at your soul. Name it; look at the monster under the
bed.

Identify other feelings : Often, there are feelings
under the feeling of guilt. Name those, too. For
example, say to yourself: “I hate to admit this to
myself, but I’m resentful that Dad’s illness changed all
of our lives.” Once you put it into words, you will have
a new perspective. You will also be reminding yourself
of how fortunate you are to have what it takes to take
care of loved one.”

Be compassionate with yourself : Cloudy moods, like
cloudy days, come and go. There’s no one way a caregiver
should feel. When you give yourself permission to have
any feeling, and recognize that your feelings don’t
control your actions, your guilt will subside.