Feeling blah…

I am exhausted. More mental than physical but exhausted none the less. The worst part about it is that I can’t quite wrap my brain around why I’m so freaking tired. Nothing major has changed. I started a new job in November but I’m pretty sure that’s not it. I can’t figure out if it’s depression or just being in a rut. The anniversary of Byron’s death is coming up. Once again I’m thinking… “this time 4 years ago life was…” and now “life is…” I’m not where I thought I’d be right now. I’m 35 years old and single. I’m 35 years old and I’m a single parent. I’m 35 years old and I’m overwhelmed. I’m 35 years old and I’m alone. 4 years ago I was 31 years old and I had a family. I was happy. I had “the hubster” and he had wifey… and life was so good that we had decided to add another child to our happiness. 4 years ago I had just found out I was pregnant and I was excited… and then I lost it all. And I was tossed into having to do everything, create a new home, give birth, sleepless nights, work full time, raise my boys, help my BJ grieve and create a new family dynamic for the boys to cling to… alone. Do I have family and friends who support me? Absolutely, but the day in and day out wear and tear is all me. My cup isn’t even full anymore… it tipped over and everything has spilled out. And now… I’m empty.

I’ve kinda given up on the thought that there will be anything better. Sure, there will be moments I’ll enjoy, there will be concerts and trips here and there… But when that moment ends the weight will be back and I’ll be pulling this ship to shore by myself. I had this grand allusion of what my life could maybe look like. This comeback kid story where life knocks you down and you fight your way back up and overcome and tell everybody “look you can do this too!” But I don’t know if that’s how this one is gonna play out. My boys are getting bigger and easier… but I’m running out of gas and patience.

If I were to be honest I’d say… I think I’m just sad. I’m sad that of all the things I’d dreamed of my life being. This is it. So many people get so much more… I got a year and a half of marriage and then widowhood with two kids. Yes I know that some people have it worse. And I try to remind myself of that. But some days… I just want to remember what it feels like to not be so tired, to have someone who loved me and encouraged me, for my boys to have a dad they can look up to that helps me with them and can provide the sternness they need…