Porny didn’t push

As expected, PEOPLE Magazine outbid everyone else for the first photos of Jessica Simpson’s baby Maxwell Drew. There’s also an exclusive interview. Since everyone goes crazy over babies and everything baby-related these days, they expect this to be a big seller which is why Maxwell’s first job as a Baby Pimp earned her mother a million dollar paycheque.

But parenting is HARD, haven’t you heard? Even for Jessica Simpson who’s never had to do much beyond sit on the couch and fart all day.

It turns out she has to recover from her C-section. And, oh boo!, nursing feels like a “full-on job”!

And if she had said it was easy would I have sh-t on her for that too? YES.

So does that mean she can’t win?

YES.

Is that fair?

YES.

Because every time a celebrity gets pregnant and has a kid, those details are delivered to us like they’re the most unique pieces of information EVER. If it’s so special, HOW COME IT SOUNDS LIKE WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WENT THROUGH? Why am I supposed to sympathise with someone who’s in pain from the surgery of her child’s birth? I’ve been saying for months that our lazy Porny, who barely has the ability to put something in the microwave, would never be able to push a kid out on her own. And that has nothing to do with prescience but everything to do with predictability. Don’t forget the added bonus of a tummy tuck and a vaginal tightener.

What?

Me?

Of course I’ll never understand. I have no interest in the parent process. But before you go raising your fist in Mother Solidarity, take a look at her left shoulder in this photo, photoshopped to Gwyneth Paltrow size. They don’t even have the courtesy of presenting to you a real image of a single body part. So how could this possibly serve your sisterhood???