not bad thank you. Few mini wobbles but being determined not to let the negative thoughts take over. Having lunch with a friend which I'm looking forward to as they're a very gentle, warm person and relaxing to be with.

Hi Dragonfly,I hope you had a nice lunch with your friend today. It was good to hear the birds singing, I think I've turned into a bit of a twitter! Good to hear country sounds instead of voices and traffic.Glad you have not sh again, well done

I understand why you felt like your return to work was being forced on you, but as you say you had already planned on returning sooner. It is great that they are offering you a phased return, which should hopefully make it more manageable. I think we all feel guilty for taking time off work (well I certainly do) so don't be hard on yourself

Great news that you've had information about cbt and I'll definitely be keeping my fingers/toes/legs/arms crossed for a short waiting time for you

Had a lovely day out yesterday, despite the rain. Went to a gorgeous dingle, all leafy and zingy green and the water rushing down the bursting stream was making the best sounds. We found a few of the early season craneflies we were looking for which is always nice, and the place where we had lunch is gorgeous. The friend I was with lost his Mum to cancer a year ago in a few weeks time. We've been sort of propping each other up during that time, and I have found I can strart to open up a bit, although he doesn't know about my sh. When his Mum passed away I obviously offered to do anything I could to help. The thing he found most helpful was that having lost my dad when I was very young was that I understood that sometimes you just want to be with someone, not talking, not trying to actively take your mind off something, not anything really, just being but not feeling alone. Over the year we've spent a fair amount of time just drinking tea and watching the world. While I've been in this depressive episode he's returned the favour and just typing this has made me realise just how incredibly lucky I am for that.

Jeep I think you're totally right. I love people, I really do they're amazing - just look at all you incredible folks on here. But sometimes I find them too much. It's stressful and can be tense and difficult, and modern life can bring quite a lot of pressure. In the countryside I feel like the pressure goes, and I can just be 'natural' me, and I feel more connected. It gives me a real boost. Glad you can get that benefit too

Am okay thanks. Was poorly last night not fun, and for some reason throwing up always seems to trigger a panic attack in me, but I managed to sit it out and get to sleep. I camped on the sofa bed in the lounge (downstairs bathroom!). Feeling a bit more with it now, managed to have some breakfast so just going to potter today.

It's great that you have supportive friend and well done for starting to open up to him, it is such a good and brave thing to do

Yeah, you're so right about that. I have learnt that it is good to open up and I've found it easier with pros because I guess they're strangers, but I've been trying hard to let people in in real life too. Even if I can't tell them everything, just a bit helps. I think it helps to build stronger friendships too. I guess it just takes time to build trust and confidence. There's a lovely girl at work who just tells everyone pretty much everything! I find it almost shocking, and I don't know how she can do it. That's maybe too far the other way though - I don't think everyone wants to know!

is dry here today so gonna try to get out for a short walk once my legs are less wobbly!!