Dr34m(4+(h3r wrote:I'm in a shelter now. So in theory that resolves some of my problems. I will give life another try.

Glad you found a shelter. Good luck with everything!

On a very much more minor note here are two recent femme grooming discoveries which make me happy: the key to using bobby pins is to twist your hair before pinning and a straight razor* makes a kickass eyebrow shaping tool (I love it when I find femme-y uses for a typically masc grooming tool).

*one of the ones that takes standard razor blades snapped in half - I'm not one of the stropping and honing crowd.

I can never meet other TG girls... it's like, there are none, in my town or whatever? And... I don't wanna meet eleven billion of them just one to be a peer friend you know? I wouldn't even mind dating a pretty pretty TG girl, whether she had her surgeries, breasts or feminine hormones or not. And... I was receiving more estrogen for about a day. And someone looked up, 'women in menopause going through estrogen withdrawl,' on the fam comp. Which: Was like my trial? They say I crave estrogen, I have estrogen withdrawal.. didn't know that be a thing? And: I finally find a good, awesome, supportive groups of friends HERE AND on a chat room? I am playing a really satisfying RPG with these friends, texts only, though everyone can choose profiles and pics and color their texts... it's really funny and fun like wow? Better than my li'l game by far, far.

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

Is it weird that I tend to feel more strongly one gender (out of male or female) after being called the opposite repeatedly for a while? It happens in both directions. So if I've only been called "he" for a while then I really appreciate a "she", but the same happens the other way around too.

Meh? Probably a bit unusual when considering cishet population but I've known people who felt pretty fluid with their gender. It's a social construct after all so I'm not surprised your social experience impacts it. Does it bother you?

Not sure. It's rare for me to actually be against one or the other being used, but it occasionally happens. I normally say when the topic of pronouns comes up that I'm fine with any, so it feels wrong to tell people to stop using the one they're using right now, especially if they were following my lead in the first place.

It's not exactly the same for me, but I get something similar - if I have to act cis male for a period of time (yay not being out to my family!) I'll start feeling more femme, and if I'm presenting more femme for a while I'll eventually feel like I want to present more neutrally again (which gets read as male on me). I guess ultimately I'd prefer not to have my ways of being gendered by society at all but that's not really an option, so going more one way tends to eventually push me in the opposite direction.

I will always always always be gendered female because of my breasts.I *like* my breasts. So they will stay....I wish people didn't gender so much by such things. I have never felt "fully female" but *definitely* not male. So, I tend to swing back and forth similarly but with less a pendulum... One day I love wearing my corsets and outfits, the next I just want to wear outdoor clothing. I *hate* being called a "tomboy" though, I am not a tom, and I am not a boy. Luckily being older now that term is rarer to hear. I vacillate between wanting to be gender neutral and female. Weekends are spent in outdoor clothing, so it seems to balance out for me. Fighting to use gender neutral pronouns would be way too difficult and cause way to much anxiety to be worth it, but I did finally get a new name last year.

I do like my new name, because it is way less gendered, which is a big part of why I wanted a new name. I am actually surprised at how well most people took to honestly trying to use it. I need to learn how to stand up for being called my appropriate name though better, because there are still those who don't even try...any tips welcome, I dislike attention in social situations so bringing attention to something about me is...difficult.

Tell them what you want to be called and then ignore them if they use the wrong name. If they keep using the wrong name, keep ignoring them. If they are elderly or seldom seen family members you like, cut them as much slack as you find fitting. Anyone who can’t be bothered to use the name you want probably isn’t really a friend you want. If it’s a matter of an official document giving one name, and it being read from that document, then just saying “I go by (new name)” should be sufficient.

Don’t become a well-rounded person. Well rounded people are smooth and dull. Become a thoroughly spiky person. Grow spikes from every angle. Stick in their throats like a puffer fish.

I did that to my SO's parents, because they *didn't even try*. That is indeed what I do (just dont respond) when it is rude folks.My friends have all switched at this point with just the odd slip-up.

The thing I struggle with is the people who actually are trying, but just keep forgetting. And, this group, it is a situation where I often cannot just ignore their reason to address me, (medical service stuff, things are time sensitive, and like, need to maintain professionalism too in front of patients), which is what makes it tricky. And in the offhand, they'll get it right, when there is not the time pressure or such upon us, so I see it more as their mind defaulting to programming. But....it has been almost a year...I feel like at the same time they should be a little further along with their reprograming of my name?

Personally, I gave a bit of leniency to a few of my co-workers who worked with me day in and day out for over a decade before I switched - particularly one lady who's nearing retirement and has a somewhat flaky memory.

I got "Sir"ed today in the drive through (the ordering intercom part). Then when I pulled up and the window opened, I was told that the pickup that had been in front of me had paid for my bagel. Went from pretty deflated to feeling fuzzy inside. It almost immediately occurred to me, though, to wonder if it was actually the pickup driver or if the young woman at the window, who also had the headset to take the orders, had seen ponytail, earrings, face, etc. when I pulled up and had done it herself by way of apology, just had said the previous driver had paid to avoid an awkward explanation.

This is stupid, because it was a kind gesture by whoever it was and whyever they did it (I don't fault the employee for the original misgendering - my voice sounds pretty masculine), but I'm irrationally bothered by the not knowing.

He angrily yelled at me and verbally attacked me and denied everything about me. Accused me of being mentally ill or mislead by Satan and demanded I never corrupt the innocent mind of my other brother and that it was my fault for ruining our perfect family and ive singlehandedly destroyed everything.

I'm really sorry to hear that. That's a shitty response. It may change in the future, but it's not your job to help them change their minds. I will say you don't necessarily have to cut ties with your entire family - you can, but if some of them are acting like decent human beings, you can still be in touch with them and not with your brother, for instance.

faubi wrote:Just came out to my brother as trans. It did not go well at all.

He angrily yelled at me and verbally attacked me and denied everything about me. Accused me of being mentally ill or mislead by Satan and demanded I never corrupt the innocent mind of my other brother and that it was my fault for ruining our perfect family and ive singlehandedly destroyed everything.

So I guess I'm a "they". "She" still works, especially online where I'm sensitive to the no-women-on-intertubes fallacy, but I think I'm they enough to call me a they.

Actually had a lottery win fantasy session the other day where I thought through getting de-gendering surgery. Sex de-selection? Whatever. It made me feel awesome.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.- Albert Schweitzer, philosopher, physician, musician, Nobel laureate (14 Jan 1875-1965)

Thanks! New-old sorta. It's been a thing for at least ten years off and on, just took this long to make a decision (sorta). It's obviously not a serious dysphoria for me.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.- Albert Schweitzer, philosopher, physician, musician, Nobel laureate (14 Jan 1875-1965)

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.- Albert Schweitzer, philosopher, physician, musician, Nobel laureate (14 Jan 1875-1965)

mini-rant: why can't the relationship between fat and hormones be opposite what it is. i feel ugly, mostly because i'm fat and hairy, and it's a constant battle to minimize the hair and a years of futile effort to lose the weight. since i'd prefer a more femme body shape anyway, it'd be awesome if taking e could make me thin and beautiful and hairless, but apparently it has the oppose effect as far as weight goes, and i'd want t to lose the weight (not that i could get it or should take it for that reason anyway even if i wanted it). why can't there just be a custom magic pill to make me look how i want. /rant

I ended up diabetic about a year after starting spiro, so I had a bit of help in needing to adjust my diet. I've still got extra weight but I'm comfortable where I am now. I need to get fitter just for health reasons, though.

On the other hand, I went on spiro early to head off loss of hair due to male pattern baldness... and as a consequence, it's a CONSTANT fight to keep the hair off elsewhere! My lifemate recently got me to try out waxing and it works surprisingly well (the ripping doesn't hurt as much as I expected), but I still have to shave my face daily and I hate it. And where I am, there's a two year backlog for electrolysis appointments...

Edit: Forgot to add, as time passes the weight SHOULD redistribute to places where it would normally go on a woman (chest/hips/thighs), but in my experience the belly still stays. Guh!

CelticNot wrote:Edit: Forgot to add, as time passes the weight SHOULD redistribute to places where it would normally go on a woman (chest/hips/thighs), but in my experience the belly still stays. Guh!

Uh...belly is def part of where weight goes on me and many woman, also upper arm. Depends on your genetics. I have a lovily double bump belly (oh gods i wish it was just smooth and round) that I had even as a kid with low body fat percentage in gymnastics, and at my adult fittist playing capoeira 2x week and caving/climbing every weekend. When I sit it looks like i have three fucking uniboobs for a front. I hate it but is what it is. Every woman in my family on my mom's side has the same thing so it is very clearly genetic.

Spoilered for thinking sciency about sensitive topics

Spoiler:

That would make a really interesting genetic study of how genetics affects weight distribution, how weight distributes or re-distributes after hormones of people transitioning. Bet a lot could be learned about the relationship and effects. Considering we know how much genetics and learning about how our gut bacteria too control so much of weight beyond our "diet and excersize" enviornment control, it would be an interesting way to study methods to control weight gain or maybe identify genes responsible for certain areas people dont want fat, like abdomen, and where they do want it, like hips etc. Oh then maybe we could do gene therapies instead of hormones, just oh you just want boobs? cool beans, we can just turn these genes on/off and bam.

Sungura wrote:methods to control weight gain or maybe identify genes responsible for certain areas people dont want fat, like abdomen, and where they do want it, like hips etc. Oh then maybe we could do gene therapies instead of hormones, just oh you just want boobs? cool beans, we can just turn these genes on/off and bam.

Huh, apparently I haven't been to the fora in a couple weeks, so I guess I have some catching up to do...

poxic wrote:So I guess I'm a "they".

Congrats!

Sungura wrote:[Stuff about controlling fat distribution]

Yeah, that sounds pretty cool. One recent development for me in trying to figure out gender stuff is that I've found I've become p envious of hips. But like, I'm significantly less in for boobs, at least atm. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

poxic wrote:You, sir, have heroic hair.

poxic wrote:I note that the hair is not slowing down. It appears to have progressed from heroic to rocking.

Yeah, that sounds pretty cool. One recent development for me in trying to figure out gender stuff is that I've found I've become p envious of hips. But like, I'm significantly less in for boobs, at least atm. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you wear skirts and dresses, maybe a bum roll / rump pad? common with costuming! Easy to make or buy your own (usually $20-$30, check etsy) and really gives appearance of hippy hips! I know it's not the same as being your own body...but may be a simple cheap solution to get that silhouette effect visually? Not sure how it would work in jeans/pants, but maybe it could if designed in a more smoother tapered way rather than just the "pillow"?this is a really good page on making your own: http://www.elizabethancostume.net/bumroll.htmlAnd if you want the linen route as the site explains to be more traditional (also, linen is just amazing, light, soft, breathable...), i love the linen I get from fabrics-store.com

e^iπ+1=0 wrote:Huh, interesting. Thanks. But I've taken pretty close to no actual action gender-wise despite thinking about it for the past few years. Society sucks, eh?

Yeah. I'm sorry that it can be so tricky for AMAB people with femme leanings.

Some of my own ramblings that got prompted by this convo:

Personally I feel like I'm going a bit backwards with my freedom of gender expression recently, after a while of regularly wearing skirts, dresses, nail polish, bits and pieces of makeup and femme hair accessories; and while I never had a negative experience beyond a little verbal abuse (more than compensated for by the free coffees, free dessert and compliments I also got), I'm now doing that much more rarely and much more cautiously... Partly because I live in an area which has had some recent acid attacks, some of them apparently random, and I worry that looking openly queer would put me at risk; and partly because I'm in the process of moving to a much more suburban much more conservative area*, and I fear that a bearded, 6ft tall, deep voiced person wearing a dress is not going to fly there at all.

It kind of sucks, but on the other hand as I've become more comfortable with being genderqueer I find I don't need to dress femme in order to comfortably feel feminine any more, which is nice.

I also feel a bit bad for not being more visible from a political point of view... But I'm trying to tell myself that it's important to prioritize my own safety, comfort and mental health.

* I'm happy about the move in general -easier access to wild spaces and a lower cost of living more then make up for having to be a bit more low-key about expressing my gender

Quercus wrote:I also feel a bit bad for not being more visible from a political point of view...

So much this.

A thought: what about kilts? Skirt like but socially acceptable for men to wear. My SO got one the utilikilt things and loves it and since its not really a kilt-kilt anyone can wear. And some tartans anyone can wear if I understand my bf (who is half scottish) correctly. I was concerned at first that things like the utilikilts would maybe be some form of appropriation but everyone ive checked with says no, the only issue is when people wear tartans they are not allowed to wear bc clan specific.

Quercus wrote:I also feel a bit bad for not being more visible from a political point of view... But I'm trying to tell myself that it's important to prioritize my own safety, comfort and mental health.

I'm cisgender so obviously I don't face the same societal stigma that you do but I also feel frustrated sometimes that I'm very straight passing. I've been thinking of just getting a pride pin and putting it on my bag or something.

I've had an interesting conversation with friends about this recently - I had to listen to my voice a bunch and I noticed I don't speak very clearly. But I also don't want to get rid of my accent entirely, I want to have this quick way of communicating to people that I'm an immigrant and managing my life here.

I think those things are related, and wanting to externally broadcast your various identities is valuable.

Quercus wrote:I also feel a bit bad for not being more visible from a political point of view... But I'm trying to tell myself that it's important to prioritize my own safety, comfort and mental health.

I'm cisgender so obviously I don't face the same societal stigma that you do but I also feel frustrated sometimes that I'm very straight passing. I've been thinking of just getting a pride pin and putting it on my bag or something.

I've had an interesting conversation with friends about this recently - I had to listen to my voice a bunch and I noticed I don't speak very clearly. But I also don't want to get rid of my accent entirely, I want to have this quick way of communicating to people that I'm an immigrant and managing my life here.

I think those things are related, and wanting to externally broadcast your various identities is valuable.

Honestly, I almost feel the same way about my own voice as a trans woman. Sure, I work in a call center environment and a more feminine and especially a higher voice would definitely help with not getting misgendered on the phone, but, like, this is the voice I learned to sing with.

Avatar by Twitter user @ForteSP89.

She/her pronouns.

yurell wrote:We need fewer homoeopaths, that way they'll be more potent!

Still homeless. My phone broke, so I used the last of my paypal credit to buy a new one off of ebay. But the SIM card slot was broken. Now I can't afford a new one. I tried buying another one anyway with my food money but my credit card wasn't recognized. I'm jobless now, and can't job hunt if I'm unable to receive calls. Genuinely at a loss for what I should do.