BREAKING: Oh Shit! It’s Late August!

As summer nears its end, many students, with goals still left unfulfilled, could be heard letting off a loud and unified exclamation of dismay. From those who had meant to read Infinite Jest (“Only 1078 pages left to go!”) to those who have spent the past 12 weeks talking about their plan to get in shape (“Check out my 6 day plan brah!”) summer’s gift of time has been exhausted in a fashion unbecoming of its more ideal purpose. These students are well prepared to fail the first test of the school year: “So what did you do this summer?”

There are those, the idealists, the eternal optimists, who foolishly believe the remaining weeks can be salvaged. That a level of effort, previously unemployed in two decades of experience, can be conjured out of thin air. These hopeless souls deserve not our envy, but our pity. They too shall know the mark of failure, shall meet destiny in the darkest corner of the darkest room. But when they do they’ll have little time to cope. The academic intensity unbeknownst for several fortnights shall once again spring to life. The air will become cold and bitter. The TV dramas from which they take comfort shall betray them, exposing themselves not as meaningful cultural engagement but as plunderers of productivity. But take solace knowing that in short time the same naivety that led them down this disturbing path shall lead them once again into a state of blissful ignorance.