The post you’re about to read was written a day ago, and in that time the wife and myself have visited a medical professional who has cut through the uncertainty and fear that has been the order of the day for the past three weeks.

“We often make issues out of non-issues. Sometimes a spot on a scan is just that.” he declared, his words lifting a weight from my wife’s shoulders.

“Could you develop breast cancer in the future?” he asked her. “Possibly, but you could also get hit by a bus after leaving my office. So why live in fear of either one?”

Why indeed?

“We’ll follow up in six months. In the meantime, go live your life.”

So at the end of the day, I can finally write the following words with absolute certainty: the crisis is finally over.

“All we have is today, so I’m going to do whatever I want, when I want.” she spoke those words through a radiant smile that could light the Falls themselves.

My wife is back, folks.

You have no idea how much I’ve missed her.

We’ll be spending this weekend on hiatus from reality, which in this case means we’ll be exploring the streets of Toronto the Good. Wish us a happy mini-vacation, friends, we’ve earned it.

AND NOW, ON WITH THE SHOW!

The Hook of old is still lost in a haze. As he wanders the wastelands of Limbo, he catches glimpses of the “real world” – though thankfully, not the MTV version – and it appears to be a reality under siege.

Kimye has finally unleashed the harbinger of the coming apocalypse.

A new, conflicted, Über–destructive version of the Man of Steel is ripping through global multiplexes.

My link to the world I left behind several weeks ago has yet to fully re-materialize, but I have entered the fray that is summer in Niagara, nonetheless.

The last few revolutions of that burning orb we call the sun have signaled the onset of the summer season. The usual suspects have arrived.

Fifty Shades-crazed, frantic housewives.

Drunken fathers who have little interest in being dads.

Frat boys.

Bachelorettes.

Conference douchecopters.

The French.

Even the happy, well-adjusted, generous travelers I seldom write about.

Summer in a luxury hotel is unlike summer anywhere else in the world. You go to battle every day. You fight to keep that smile on your guests’ faces. You fight to keep the line moving. You fight to make a buck.

The Dogs of War have been unleashed in Niagara, readers.

Pray for me.

The weeks to come will no doubt be filled with tales from the hospitality trenches. In the meantime, here’s a list. Everyone loves my lists, right? They’re like Mom’s apple pie, but less fattening and they aren’t accompanied by a lecture about how you screwed your life up…

Top Ten Questions People Ask Me About Being A Bellman In Niagara Falls

1) “Have you ever served anyone famous? Like maybe Steve Guttenberg?” (I love nuns who restrict heir viewing habits to flicks like “Three Men And A Little lady.”

2) “Do they really shut the Falls off at night?” A classic. Unfortunately.

3) “How much do you make?” A bellman, regardless of where he’s stationed. will never answer this question; he’l simply roll his eyes and give you as look of hauty derision (IRS agents have computers, people.)

4) “Have you ever walked in on someone having sex?” By the way, the answer is “Oh yeah!”

5) “Are Canadians really nice? Or is that just a myth like Bigfoot or the female orgasm? This question was posed by an American, of course. I punched him in the throat.

6) “Do people actually tip you guys for carrying their luggage? I’d never do that!” This question was posed by a saintly old grandmother. I found another old lady to punch her in the throat.

7) “You’re a bellman? And you haven’t killed yourself yet?”

8) “You’re what? A bellman? You mean you work for a telephone company here in the hotel?”

9) “People actually ask other people to carry their bags? For real?”

And my personal favorite, simply because I’ve actually heard it – or a variation thereof – more than once…

10) “Bellman can score things for people, right? Like, can you get me a dozen hookers, some blow and handgun? Oh, and a human kidney, can you get me one of those?” (You gotta love Quentin Tarantino, right?)

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About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire.
I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.

I swore I’d stay away from WordPress, but it’s hard when you write a post. First of all, fantastic news about your wife! I hope you enjoy the weekend away. Secondly, I’ll pray for you during the coming weeks. Actually, when I look at your list, I’ll pray for every bellman out there. Number 2 almost killed me. Looking forward to hearing your tales.

“All we have is today, so I’m going to do whatever I want, when I want.” I’ve said those same words myself. What an awesome, liberating feeling it was to say them for all the right reasons and truly mean it! Terrific attitude! Terrific news!

This is great news for your wife and you. Yea! I know your wife said those words for herself, but when I read them I said to myself…”She’s right! This is what I needed to hear today!” so thank your wife for me for saying something that I desperately needed to hear today. Have a wonderful mini vacation!

Oh, my gosh, I knew it ! It’s the big C scare ! ! And your wife is okay ! ! ! I’m so relieved , Mr. Hook ! ! ! If I could be scared like that, and I’m a complete stranger, I can just imagine what you had just gone through, you and the missus. I’m so glad your wife is okay, Mr. Hook ! ! ! !

This trip is the first step, Susie.
My wife will relive this situation every six months, but she’ll grow stronger as well. You’ve become a source of inspiration to us both and we can never thank you enough.
Be well.

Im so happy for you and your wife…the WP goblins were listening in the lunchroom. One of my coworkers husband has a brain tumor. He is doing better, but, understandably worried. She’s like hon, a bus could darn flatten you as we walk outta this door.

So happy to hear about your wife! I tried to get into the remainder of the post (and did indeed chuckle at the throat-punching comment), but I was too excited by the opener to give the remainder my full attention.

Robert, I’m so glad there was good news for Jackie! And have a lovely mini-vacation. As for your list, when I was living in Niagara Falls and going to university, I actually heard #2 from friends and relatives who should have known better. Amazing!

Such a relief. I’m so happy for you and your wife. Oh, hell, I’m happy for everyone, everywhere. Wait. No. I’m not. There’s a long list of people I’m not happy for or about. So, is it true? Can you get a guy a dozen hookers? ‘Cause then I’ll know where to turn when I need a dozen hookers. Pretty sure I can find blow on my own if I ask around a bit.

I’m glad to hear all is well with your wife. My mom died of breast cancer when she was 50. She was Canadian too. It’s good to catch it early, because you have a better chance of defeating it than later on, and it’s good to keep up on things just in case.

My wife’s mother and her aunt both developed breast cancer, so she knows the value of early detection. Thanks for the continued support, old friend.
My heart goes out to anyone who has lost their mom, by the way.
Be well.

I can’t tell you how happy I am to read your good news. Sometimes the worrying and wondering can be far worse…especially if you have an active imagination.
As a fellow Niagara Falls person I have heard many of those questions, usually in whatever bar I was working at the time. The weirdness is widespread in Niagara. I love it.
Have a wonderful mini-cation in TO. Give your lovely wife a hug for me will you?

Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers. We are so relieved to get good news from the doctor. I do have to have mammograms every 6 months to see if anything changes but in the mean time I can finally breath and enjoy my summer. I lost my mom to breast cancer 11 years ago, she did develop it twice and then passed from liver cancer. I also lost my brother 5 years ago from bladder cancer and also other close relatives. This experience has opened my eyes to see things differently. You have to live for today and follow your dreams to the fullest that you possibly can and that’s what I plan on doing. ;)

Good news. Great news! Great relief! So glad to hear the news is positively positive.
So funny what a little water between two countries does to the mind. Why is it that those southern neighbours always ask the “nice” questions?

douchecopters.- Your Word of the Week. Fucking hysterical. Loved the list, and as you know have suffered your pain in a past life, which is why I litteraly laugh out loud, with the occassional snort, when reading your posts.

Robert, I am so happy for the both of you. Living life for today is the lesson that we should all learn – I’m sorry it was such a difficult one.
As for you list…#5 killed me. Myth of the female orgasm??? Man o man, I bet that guy has been married and divorced at record speed at least three times.