KILIMANI MUMS: HOW TO HANDLE A CHEATING MAN

Cheating in today marriages has been rampant, the question now is how to stop and handle cheating couples.The average Kilimani mum is in her late 30s. She is married to one of those arrogant and moneyed lawyers we see on TV or a burgeoning entrepreneur listed on Business Daily’s Top 40 Under 40 Men.Who knows, she could be the wife of a suave high-flying CEO or a numero uno executive at Safaricom or KenGen. No, she is not formally employed. She is a stay-at-home mom.

She quit her marketing job at a multinational firm to raise her two beautiful children with strange names like Tumi and Zendaya.But just to show the world that she is not really a lazy woman who waits on her husband, she runs a ‘successful’ spa on Dennis Pritt Road or an overpriced boutique at Lavington Mall.

Her typical day begins at 6am when she wakes up to prepare the children for school. Her children attend high-ranking schools that host presidential debates, not those that act as polling stations.She is done dropping the children at school by 8am when her day officially begins. She is a busy woman, this one. So much to do! Gym from 10am to 11am. Manicure and pedicure at 11.30am followed by lunch with the girlfriends at Art Caffé Lavington from about 12.30 to 2pm. Lingerie and lipstick shopping until 3pm. Picking the children from school at 3.30pm. Ice cream and cupcakes at the Big Square with the children till 4.30pm.

TOO MUCH HOMEWORK

Home by 5pm. Must watch ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ as children are bathed by the househelp in a light-blue starched uniform. She must address her as ‘Madam’. Unsuccessfully attempts to help the children with homework. Gives up two minutes later and says “Children these days have too much homework”.

By 7pm, she is chaperoning Millie — the househelp — who cooks dinner for the family. Children are in bed by 8pm.By 9pm, after a long bath, she is sitting alone in the bedroom, filing her nails and WhatsApping her husband. “Where are you, baby?” she asks. Husband tells her he is in a meeting, the fourth in that week.

Kilimani mom finally goes to bed at 10pm, but doesn’t really sleep until her CEO husband sneaks into the bed at 1.18am, smelling of cheap perfume that is definitely a far cry from her original Giorgio Armani perfume.So you are a Kilimani mum? You are probably a little busier than I described you because once or twice a week you attend Zumba classes and the spa for a body scrub and a Thai massage.

You have just discovered that your husband — the arrogant lawyer — is having an affair. That man for whom you quit your job to raise his two children is cheating on you with an intern whom he has put up in penthouse in Kileleshwa.You are devastated but not shocked. You are wondering how to deal with that cad. Worry not, sister for I’m here with a foolproof survival guide.

1. DEVOTE YOURSELF TO THE CHURCH: It is not enough that you go to church once a week. Take up additional responsibilities. Volunteer to cook and clean for the priest.Offer to supervise the church’s daycare centre. Heck, you can even ask the reverend to have special services just for you, may be twice a day every day. Who knows? You can also join the Women’s Guild, Mother’s Union or the Christian Women Fellowship.When you pray, Sister, remember to commit your adulterous husband before the Lord. Pray that scales may fall from his eyes, that he may love you for the lazy, stay-at-home woman you are.While you are it, ensure you pour out the details of your loveless existence that is your marriage to your pastor.Give the pastor the sordid details of your husband’s affairs. And make sure you show up for special prayers at his house. Oh, and don’t forget to tithe.

2. GET A JOB. Remember the girl you were 15 years ago? The go-getter who could not stop at anything to scale the career ladder?What happened to that girl? Suppose you got off your shapely bum and found a job instead of just sitting at home and blogging about motherhood and posting long updates on Kilimani Mum’s Facebook page?What would happen, if today, you dusted up your CV, used your husband’s connections and got yourself a job as a marketing executive?Have you ever thought that there could be more to life than just sitting at home, WhatsApping your hardworking husband, whether in the office or at a servant’s quarter?

3. DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE, FOR GOD’S SAKE. He is probably cheating because he no longer finds you interesting. Find something to do. Get a hobby.Don’t just sit there and blog about baking chocolate cupcakes or gossiping about your college roommate who was recently promoted to regional marketing director of some multinational company.If finding a job is too much work, what if you paid more attention to your beauty salon and spa?The idea here is to ensure that your mind is not too idle to begin imagining who your wealthy husband is texting. It is time to get off your comfort zone and, for once, work for something in your life.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU MARRIED A CHEATING AND LYING MAN. So what if he cheated on you? When you married him, didn’t you have that disturbing thought at the back of your mind that he would not live up to your expectations? But you married him anyway. Possibly because he looked like he could make it.You quit your job to take care of his children and this is how he repays. By cheating on you with the PYT (Pretty Young Thing) with a sizeable posterior and a waist the size of your wrist. I am sure it must hurt like hell. You feel like you want to tear him to pieces.Easy now dear, easy. Take a deep breath. Dry your tears. Accept that you married a fellow who will never change. Those late night meetings probably won’t end soon.And the mistresses will keep getting younger. After all, you are not the first to be cheated on, and certainly not the last. It is time to accept what you already knew; that you married a cad.It this is very difficult, may be you could…

5. JUST PACK A BAG AND GO BACK TO YOUR MUM’S. When you feel like you cannot take it anymore, pack a bag or two, (one for the children) and return to your mother’s house. Maybe she could give you a few tips on how to handle a marriage crisis.It could also be a good time to reflect on what you have been doing wrong that made him stray. Not that I am blaming you, but you’ve got to admit that staying at home all day and spending his money is not exactly a turn-on for most men.And while you are at your mum’s, please note that it is highly unlikely that he will come for you, unless of course you took his children. My prediction is that you will return to his house after 48 hours, when the reality of him bringing home another woman strikes you hard. Poor girl, oh, the Kilimani mum.

READER’S BONUS

Hello readers,

I have good and bad news for you. The good news is that my leave has been extended for an disclosed period (I will not reveal it for my enemies are reading). The bad news is that I am still struggling to make headway with my thesis. Since we last spoke, I have written an impressive 57 words, which is not bad for a struggling student.

Maybe I should just forget about the whole thing and accept that I am a girl with an inconsiderable intellectual arsenal. I am suffering a serious writer’s block. But then again, the last time I heard somebody say they had a writer’s block, they got sacked. So I will shut up and talk about my love life instead.

It is looking up. I have been on a couple of dates although none so far has asked me to be his girlfriend. I think they must have read nasty things about me in the blogs.

Only one guy though has called since our last date. He was asking if I left with his phone charger. No, Steve, I did not go home with your charger, so please stop texting me.