How to End the Night

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Things that you might be talking about that are pretty solid indications that the night should end: your crushing loneliness, how much love you have to share, how wonderful your dog is, the guy staring back at you in the mirror and how much he could've been if only somebody had given him a chance, Dad, how much money you make, new worries associated with rising CO2 levels, how you have to go take a leak, what happened lasterday.

Questions to ask yourself before leaving: Might I need to use the men's room? Is this my date? Do I really need to finish that drink? Might I benefit from some water? Where am I? Where is my home? Did I sign the credit-card receipt? Who was Pappy Van Winkle, really? Nightcap?

In terms of how to leave, you could, you know, leave. Leaving is fairly definitive. You could leave without saying goodbye, which is an "Irish exit" — it works only when everyone's drunk. After exiting the restroom, you just walk past the bar and out the door. No one will notice, no one will care. In the morning, they'll probably think you said goodbye. In general, it's better to leave before you'd like to. Because "before you'd like to" is actually "right when you should." Sliding scale.