Locusts swarmed all over that “Egypt” place over the weekend, which is probably in The Mideast and worships some nutty “God,” and the real God is weighing in with one of the more annoying manifestations of His righteous wrath in His repertoire: the ol’ locust plague!

By all accounts, thirty million locusts were involved in the insect flash-mob incident—and God bless journalists for counting them—and you have to give them credit for even knowing where Egypt is and mindlessly showing up in locust solidarity. It reminds me of Woodstock.

I’m a hominid, hands-down more evolved than any of these, these “locusts” or any other bug and I couldn’t find Egypt on a map if you gave me a map with Egypt on it.

I know that’s where the “Great Pyramids” are. They’re “great” if you like pyramids. I believe they also may have invented hummus.

But what good is hummus without Wheat Thins? And we invented those.

Locusts swarming for no apparent reason and freaking out Egyptians left and right reminds me of Indians burying people up to their necks next to a mound of fire ants and pouring honey on their heads.

Who does that?

We used to have locust plagues in this country that would bum out the early settlers and squatters, forcing them to stand erect—which wasn’t their style—to run away from them.

It’s pretty bad when a forefather can’t even squat contentedly without some sort of winged-bug uprising wreaking havoc on their God-given right to squat in peace and quiet.

Unlike Egypt apparently, we had the good sense to destroy the locusts’ habitat and put an end to locust “wilding” in this country once and for all.

Every place where locusts used to congregate to hatch their harebrained schemes, there’s now a Starbucks, our place of worship.

The locusts are said to have moved into Israel on Monday, the Jewish homeland and Egypt’s next-door neighbor.

The locusts couldn’t care less about Jews owning the media, looking for adventure in whatever comes their way.

All locusts care about is crazy locust kicks. Swarm or be deemed “uncool.” Or “jive.”

Individuality is not a strong suit among invertebrates. If one fire ant decides to chow down on a screaming, honey-coated head conveniently and mysteriously appearing one day next to their anthill, they’re all going to do it.

We’ve been down that road before.

A plague of locusts in the Holy Land at the advent of Passover (punishment exacted for the sins of idolatry and the worship of false Gods?); the seven-headed beast with ten horns rising up out of the ocean (Keith Olbermann possibly returning to ESPN?).