Multiple Personalities Support Group

Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...

Dear Mom....***warning could trigger***

PLEASE, NO LITTLES READ THESE COMMENTS SO YOU DON'T GET UPSET, OK? BUT YOU CAN WRITE ANY COMMENT YOU WANT, IF YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO ANYONE WHO HAS HURT YOU BEFORE.

This is a letter I wrote to my mother in 2007. I wrote it as an exercise requested by my therapist, one of the many I've worked with, that I've acutally liked and respected. The purpose of these letters, is NOT to send them to anyone. The purpose is, to allow yourself a place to vent, a place to put your feelings into words, and get them "off your chest". It also allows you to access words and emotions that you may not think of just by talking. You use a different part of your brain to write than you do to talk. It is more closely connected with those feelings in some people, and one reason why some people have difficulty with doing this kind of thing. So it is not for everybody. But it is very helpful to some people. My mother passed away just a couple of weeks ago. I am very grateful to have been able to spend some time with her just a couple of days before she died. And those moments were precious. NONE of this family garbage was a part of it. We were both at peace, cordial to each other, (and not in a fake way) and even enjoyed some silliness. When I have it together enough, I will write another letter about that experience. It will show the contrast, and in my opinion, God's grace, to heal and overcome, between then and now.

So read this if you think it will be helpful. It can give you an idea of what kind of letter you might want to write, if you want to write one. It can help you think of some things you've gone through that you may not have thought of before in quite the same way. It may help you know that you are not alone. This particular letter is not graphic, so you can probably read mine and not be triggered, unless you might be triggered by something said, that reminds you of your own abuse. If you are afraid that might happen, then please don't read this unless you want to anyway.

And I want this discussion to be open to anyone who wants to say anything in response (as long as it is not personally directed to a member on here.) or in kind. This is a chance to get your feelings out there, to share what you carry and let us all bear the burden together. Two horses (or oxen, or what-have-you) can pull more weight when hitched together than each one alone. That is what is meant by the saying, "the sum is greater than the....how does the rest of that go?....something about the rest of the parts of the whole....anyhoo. You get the idea.

1/22/07

Dear Mom,

I have written a letter like this once before, to no avail. My words did not penetrate my hate and anger, and perhaps then I was not aware of it like I am now. I know I still am not even aware of most if it -- but I have some idea. I can hear you now -- "what anger? I am sorry you feel hatred towards me." -- like you've done absolutely nothing wrong. Do you really not remember any of it, or are you just lying? Who knows? I am sick largely because of you. My life has been one disaster after another, because of the way you've treated me, and you just go through life like nothing ever happened, telling others I am schizophrenic, like you're some innocent angel mother. You are such a liar and so wrapped up in yourself, you have no idea what the truth really is. You can admit little to no wrong doing. Meanwhile, your own children are all paying the consequences. I was supposed to be your successful child. Good grades, got into no trouble. No smoking, no drugs, no alcohol. I was supposed to become a veterinarian. But instead, I got married and had children. I let you down. I couldn't even succeed in being a stay at home mom. I let you down. And you have no idea why. Could it be, that you have taken over EVERYTHING in my life - including ME? You took my dream for the future, took my friends, slept with their dad, talked behind my back, meddled in every aspect of my life. And SCREWED IT ALL UP!! You still talk to me like I have some kind of relationship with you - like we have some kind of mother-daughter bond, like you have with Debbie, but not with me. You have no idea how bad I feel when I'm around you, how much I hate you, how I can't stand you, and how much I despise myself - because I am reminded of you. Sense of self - what is that? Who is that? I have no idea who "I" am. None. But a loser, a crazy, an outcast. I guess that makes me different from you, huh? A tomboy (not my description of myself, but yours) I always thought I was the hero of the family, because I got good grades, stayed out of trouble, and didn't get pregnant until after I got married. But it turns out, I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. I was wrong in thinking you were right. Thinking you were honest. Thinking somehow, that you loved me. I was wrong in thinking dad didn't really have bipolar disorder, which wound up costing Isaac his life. I was wrong in thinking I could be a good parent, and that I was doing God's will by getting married and having children. I was wrong, wrong, wrong. So now, here I am, stuck in my wrong doing with no way out. No hope or plans for the future, and no hope or desire for getting help from you, whatsoever. Thanks, mom. Thanks for lying to me and about me so you could maintain your facade and continue to feel good about yourself at my expense. Thanks for ruining, totally destroying my life and my lungs with your cigarettes. Thanks. Thanks for your silence and siding with Jeff when we divorced. Thank you so very much. I wish I could say I love you and I miss you but I don't.

PS -- Now that I think about it, this letter was written shortly before I started my slow ascent back from the brink of absolute darkness and undescribable dispair. It was just before I went back to my dr. and was finally willing to come to grips with being bipolar like my dad, and probably Isaac was, and take the medication I needed to be taking. At that time, and until just a few months ago, I was living on $240/month and food stamps. I had no health insurance. I got my healthcare free from Providence, and meds free from the pharmaceutical company. I am just now (Lord willing) getting ready to move into my own place, which I have not had since March of 2003. I now have medicaid and other assistance that I have needed and finally, been willing to seek out and get. Even that ain't easy. I feel that writing this letter was a big part of getting turned around. The progress has been agonizingly slow. But right now, I am SO much better than I was in Jan of 2007. That winter was by far, the worst ever for me. So I guess I am saying this as an encouragement to anyone who feels this letter writing thing is scary, but a good idea. That's ok. You don't HAVE to write anything if you don't want to. But if you do, give yourself some time, paper, and a pen or pencil. It could be a big step in the right direction for you, too.

wow. i really wanna write a letter like this. not to my mom though. but writing a letter like this that the person wouldnt read sounds like a really really good idea. im going to try this sometime. thank you thank you thank you for the idea!

and the letter you wrote to your mom. it was very touching. not because of what you wrote, but with the authority and confidence that you wrote it with. you're very inspiring.

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