Walking through it.

Posted on: Tuesday, April 8, 2014

There is a part of my character that I feel holds me back from life- the need to be accepted- this deep desire to please those around me. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this is an important trait to have in order to maintain healthy relationships- but for me, I can get stuck in this place where I am too scared to share what I feel because I am afraid you will think less of me.

I feel like I can not give myself authentically, especially on a blog, until I am writing just to share my raw, vulnerable feelings without reworking every thought- considering how it will shift the person on the receiving ends perception of what I am trying to portray.

I want to write the truth.

This crippling fear has held me tight in its grasp the last few months.

Does this come down to self love and acceptance?

I heard a message a few weeks ago while visiting a church in Jacksonville where the pastor hit on woman’s innate self esteem issues. He said he believes this is one of the inherited blemishes we have to walk through as a consequence of Eve’s choice in the garden. He noted how he has never met a woman who did not suffer with some level of this affliction.

He mentioned how every night before bed he made his daughter repeat Psalms 139:14 with him – he intentionally recited “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” and then again, with more passion, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

My cheeks were sopping wet when he finished.

As I write this, I am trying to think of how I can better explain this moment- this truth that wrecked my heart. This realization that for whatever reason(s) – my childhood, abandonment issues, my past choices, my personality- I suffer from this deep need to be “OK” in others eyes. And although it may have aided me in my choice to change my life for the better, today, I believe it is a hindrance.

I often tell myself that my hesitance to write is out of my cautious attempts to not hurt anyone with my words. When I started writing, that was one of the most important standards I laid out for myself- but I also think I use that “rule” as a crutch to not share.

I know that I am enough for God. And if I truly believe that, then I also have to believe that I am enough for the people I encounter in this life.

Here’s to putting it all out there- to pulling the cloak off of the trepidation that has controlled my heart for too long.

5 comments :

what a beautiful verse! I’ll have to go back + make sure I’ve marked that one in my bible. I also love the idea of reading that, or a similar verse with my daughter when she’s old enough each night. those little things sure do add up ?

what a beautiful verse! I’ll have to go back + make sure I’ve marked that one in my bible. I also love the idea of reading that, or a similar verse with my daughter when she’s old enough each night. those little things sure do add up

Shayna,
You are a blessing to our family and I am proud to call you daughter. We all come with baggage from our childhood and past. I love you for who you are today. An excellent mother, wife and daughter.
May GOD bless us all as we suffer from past real and imagined wounds.

I’ve been suffering this same thing, seriously. I want to write, write, WRITE everything I have pent up in my heart but I’m so afraid for the truth to be “out there”. I just read this great book about women (and what God thinks of us!)- Ms. Understood by Jen Hatmaker. Check it out!

My name is Shayna. On this blog, you will find some of our daily happenings as I navigate through my role as a wife and mama. I will also share some of the stories of my heart as well as some of the lessons I have learned along my journey.
Welcome! I am so glad you are here.