Lonely Hearts Ep. 15: The Many Loves of Superman

February 14, 2017

We’ve been through this. Superman belongs with Lois Lane. But what if she wasn’t in the picture? Which of Superman’s OTHER romantic interests – across all continuities and media – would viably pair off with him? Bass, Marty, Furn and Siskoid draw up their Top 5 Super loves in this episode. Also featuring a very special, extra length Romance Comics Theatre – “The Sweetheart Superman Forgot!” Happy Valentine’s Day from the Fire and Water Podcast Network!

Great to have the show back! What a fun episode. And as much as I hate to admit it, I still say Superman and Barda made a porno. At least a soft core one with some VERY heavy petting, if not the completed “deed”. Blame Byrne, not me. It’s there in Scott’s face, as Siskoid pointed out.

My top 5 Lois-less Loves of Superman:

Runner-up: Mariel Hemmingway’s character, Lacy Warfield, from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Apparently she can breathe in the vacuum of space, so that’s handy for Superman!

5. Lola-La – Good on you for remembering Lola-La, Siskoid. DAMN!!! As a teen, I appreciated Bognadove’s and Jurgens’ rendering of her. Although her Dad was slightly disturbing, almost sliding into VERY unfortunate racial stereotype.

4. Barbara Gordon – Yes, Batgirl herself! In the Pre-Crisis Bronze Age, there was a hint of romance between the two across a handful of team-ups, and they just made a very interesting visual combo, so why not?

3. Sally Sellwyn – Due to my number 1 and 2 pick, I have to choose the character in the similar mold, who isn’t dazzled by Superman. Plus Rachel did a great job portraying her, which made her seem more real to me. Michael wasn’t bad either. 😉

2. Chloe Sullivan – Until Erica Durance (pitter-patter) showed up, I was rooting for Chlark. The fact that she ended up married to Oliver Queen was just weird.

1. Lana Lang – But this is a very SPECIFIC Lana. I’m talking about Annette O’Toole’s Lana from Superman III. To me it’s painfully obvious these two belong together. Lana loves Clark for who he is, where as movie Lois is just love-struck on his Super-God alter-ego. Plus Annette O’Toole is HOT.

At the bottom of any list would be Kristin Kreuk’s Lana from Smallville. Not the actress’ fault, but the show runners painted that character into a corner, and the only places they could go with her were just horrendous (Witch? Mrs. Luthor? Ugh.)

Great episode. I was shocked that Bass would put Maxima on his list and yet it was such an awesome choice. Not someone I’d put on my list but holy crap did that take chutzpah.

So, my list of non-Lois loves. I like this because Lois is always my default.

5. Beautiful Dreamer. Superman and her got together during GENERATIONS III and even had a couple of kids. It was an interesting pairing and I kind of dug that Byrne would put Superman together with a New God in a non-pornographic manner. Of course Superman ditched his wife and kids to go defeat the ultimate bad guy but since the ending of GENERATIONS III went down the way it did that really doesn’t matter.

4. Lori Lemaris. I think most of us would have loved to have had an affair with a beautiful exchange student in college. The mermaid thing is a challenge but not insurmountable. The original version of their meeting was one of the first Superman books I ever read, so Lori and I go way back. I wonder if Clark gets misty eyed when he hears Great Big Sea’s The Mermaid.

3. Cat Grant. AS SHE WAS ORIGINALLY PORTRAYED. None of this Geoff Johns, fake boobs, hitting on a married man filth. I have a soft spot for Cat. And I will always feel bad that Tracy Scoggins had to play that vapid version of the character on Lois and Clark.

2. Batgirl. Chris brought her up and I liked the Bronze Age issues where Batman all but set the two of them up. It was neat to see Clark and Barbara get along so well and it’s always cool to see Superman team up with a member of the Bat Family.

1. Lana Lang. Depending on how she is portrayed I will always have a soft spot for Lana. Maybe it’s because I dated a red head in high school. If played right Lana is the good friend of Clark that became more than that before their lives led them down different paths. I will always be in the debt of the creators that followed Byrne for fixing the rather terrible things he did to her and Jeph Loeb wrote a pitch perfect Lana when he was on the Superman books. There were some rough points. Chuck Austen had no idea how to write the character and Smallville made her pretty unlikable. Did I write pretty unlikable? I meant I hated her by Season 4. At least we have the previously mentioned Annette O’Toole to make up for that. And Stacy Haiduk.

Thanks for letting Rachel and I come out and play in the Lonely Hearts Theater part of it. I felt after listening to it that I could have done better but thankfully my wife carried me through that.

Quick thought about the comic from the episode; do you think if this Clark and Lois ever got married that he would use Red K as a way to go on a weekend bender? “Sorry, Lois. I don’t know why I left and spent the weekend doing blow and hanging out with hookers. I must have been exposed to Red Kryptonite again. Whoops!”

It’s kind of like that Kids in the Hall skit where Kevin McDonald kept trying to go off and cheat on his wife while claiming to have amnesia.

Thanks for a fun episode. Where have you crazy kids been? Lose your memories for a few. Weeks?

Interesting choice of loves for Superman. I always liked Lori, and yes, it’s good to know Superman was not super-fish-al. They should have done an imaginary Superman Red and Superman Blue story in which they married Red Lori/Yellow Lori.

Did anyone ever read Jor Kelly’s Wonder Woman and Superman in Valhalla story? They were together 1000 years and never shagged. It was interesting but should not have been presented as canon.

Fantastic dramatic presentation – do the Baileys do amateur dramatics? They were amazing.

That Sally Selwyn story was wonderful. Jerry Siegel was so great at the heart-rending stories. I kept hearing ‘Miss Sally’ as ‘Miss Ellie’.

The best Lana was the mature version of the late Bronze Age, when she and Clark had a quiet, living romance.

Chloe Sullivan was one of the few things that made Smalkville occasionally bearable but she has no place on a list of Superman’s loves on account of not actually being one of his loves.

Lyla Lerrol was the wife of Superman in the original For the Man Who Has Everything. Luana indeed. Having lost love lLyla gave the story something extra

Luma Lynai was not the original Supergirl, she was Superwoman. Has Anj mentioned this? I’ve not yet read the comments on top of me.

5) Babs – Chris is spot on
4) Lyla Lerrol – Because every page of Superman’s Return to Krypton by Jerry Siegel, Wayne Boring and Stan Kaye is gorgeous in story and art, with Lyla an ethereal goddess.
3) Sally Selwyn – A great gal to whom Superman couldn’t help but be drawn.
2) Lori Lemaris – his first non-teenage love, who remained a supportive, loving friend
1) Bronze Age Lana, luv.

It pains me when my comments are eaten by the blog-monster. So I have to remember all my thoughts.

My five

5) Silver Banshee – in the Legend of the Worlds Finest miniseries from 1994, Superman is put under a spell where he begins to feel the emotional pain of Batman. In this angry and somewhat darker state of mind, he ends up becoming Silver Banshee’s lover. What I like about this is that she actually begins to think she could better herself to be someone worthy of Superman. The dichotomy was delicious.

4) Lyla Lerrol – again, I find the differences of a Kansas farmboy and a Kryptonian moivie star too rich a story mine to pass up. I can only imagine a sit-com akin to Green Acres of either Lerrol on the Kent Farm or Kal trying to find his way in the high wattage of Kryptonian hollywood.

2) Luma Lynai – she is the unselfish superhero of the planet Staryl. And yes, she looks just like Supergirl would look like as a grown woman. So there is a little ick factor here. But there is something about the two of them as a super-couple that I find appealing. It does have one of the most classic and cringe-worthy panels of all of the SIlver Age: http://comicboxcommentary.blogspot.com/2008/09/it-came-from-back-issue-box-action.html

1) Lana Lang – I think of Lana the way I think of Gwen but I promise this time I won’t lose my mind. For me, there is something innocent and pure about this small town love. I think that Lana (more the Byrne Lana than the Silver or Bronze age) and her love would be the perfect sort of salve for a man living two lives and trying to protect the planet. I picture her with gardening gloves and overalls working the land, a pie cooling on the window, looking up into the sky as Supes returns home.

As for other superhero romances to podcast about, I think She-Hulk would be a great subject! Wyatt Wingfoot, the Thing, Man-Wolf, Starfox! And that’s just the ones I can remember off the top of my head.

5. Silver Banshee – read Legends of World’s Finest to see how a spell makes him love her, but he makes her want to better herself

4. Lyla Lerorol – there is a Green Acres humor book in their somewhere

3. Lori Lemaris – they connect on a deep level, and as said he loved her enough to propose!

2. Luma Lynai – she is the superhero protector of the planet Staryl, a true equal to Kal. So what if she looks just like a grown Supergirl, they love each other. (BTW, that issue has one of the ickiest panels of the Silver Age with Supes talking about his love for his underage cousin)

1. Lana – Imthink of Lana the way I thought of Gwen but I won’t go nuts this time. I think it is the pure simple innocent graceful love of the girl next door. I picture her working the land, pie cooling on the window sill while he saves the world. Their love and support strengthens them.

Good lists all around, incl. the Ho-Yay with Smallville Lex and special look at Supes’ forgotten love. Special mention should go to cousin Kara, whose adult double Luma Lynai suggests that a part of Supes would be right at home in Shelbyville.

For my placings…

(5) Amazing Grace. Sleez’s petty porno cannot compare to Superman’s seduction by the sister of Glorious Godfrey. It blew my mind how she played Supes like a harp from Hell, turning him into the champion of the downtrodden only to end up as Darkseid’s surrogate son.

(4) Wonder Woman. I agree that the current pairing is “lust for lust’s sake”. The tease of a relationship post-Crisis felt like mutual puppy love, the opposite of Kingdom Come’s reunion after much shared seasoning. They seem to have so much in common but the few differences are serious, particularly Diana’s lack of qualms about slaying evil.

(3) Cat Grant. For her early appearances post-Crisis. Not that I considered her any real challenge to the classics, and she didn’t really try to be. Given her moment in the limelight, she showed multiple layers and nontraditional “imperfections” between her roles as gossip columnist, divorcee, and mother.

(2) Maxima. Yeah, I’m biased. Of all of Superman’s ladies, she’s the one who made me explore new feelings w/ her scorching first couple appearances in Action Comics. The Armageddon Annual, a gender-reversed Taming of the Shrew, was a great follow-up and as much her story as Supes’. By the end of it, they’d shown a capacity for change and were poised to face an uncertain future together. TPTB just couldn’t outgrow her in-continuity stuck-up hubby hunter role.

(1) Lana Lang. Sometimes the high school sweethearts do go the distance. I think Lana does have that malleability between her different marital and meta-human statuses. Maybe she’s a part of Smallville that Clark left behind, or maybe she also left Smallville behind like in S:TAS. I’m sure she’s earned a few Earths were she bookends the Lois experience.

I like Maxima as an adversary and anti-heroine spurned by Superman.
I like Cat Grant as a frienemy to Lois and Kara.
I like Lori Lemaris because she was in the first Byrne Superman issue I read, and that run temporarily reignited my early love for the Man of Steel.
I like Lana Lang because she was played by Annette O’Toole and because she was around before Lois.
I like Lyla Lerrol because she’s an excellent summation of the Weisinger era and because she’s as doomed as their love affair.
I never heard of Sally Selwyn before this episode, but I really enjoyed the story/play and she’s basically the less tragic earthling Lyla Lerrol .
I have never been exposed to Luma Lynai .
I HHHAAAATTEE the Wonder Woman pairing. I want everyone who likes this idea to always recall The Dark Knight Strikes Again’s skygrind as a mnemonic cold shower.
Ew, Kara. Ewww.

There is only Lois.
5) Noel Neill as Lois Lane in Adventures of Superman
4) Margot Kidder as Lois Lane in Superman II
3) Amy Adams as Lois Lane in Man of Steel
2) Teri Hatcher as Lois Lane in Lois & Clark
1) Dana Delany as Lois Lane in The Animated Series

Ooo-la-la Lola-La. Never read the comic, but the first thing that shifted me from hating Jon Bogdanove for not being Jim Lee or Rob Liefeld during the X-Tinction Agenda crossover to loving him was his meaty, curvy, sensual, physics-beholden Jean Grey kissing up on Logan. Jon’s juicy Janes are a joy!

Good to have the Lonely Hearts back together again, and I appreciate Siskoid clarifying to Not-Bass #2 that I Am The One Who Punches. And for no particularly good reason either, like railing against someone’s love of a certain set of page dimensions on their comics. While I enjoy the romance comics episodes, my favorites are these free-roaming, mainstream-centric shows.

You made the list I wish Marty had made! I’ll make sure to read in the next Malebag.

As for classic vs mainstream romance content, it’s a constant tug of war for me. I know the mainstream shows are going to be more popular, but I feel like I betray the show’s original concept if I don’t alternate these with actual romance comics.

Here are some ideas we have for future episodes: Angel Heart (romance in the 80s), Young Heroes in Love (this could be a short series of episodes), the male perspective (classic romance comics with male narrators, rare!), recent release Strange Romnce, Kill Your Boyfriend (romance in the grunge era), robots in love (Red Tornado/Vision), romance in manga, nurses and doctors… My pledge for this podcast is still to alternate between romance comics and romances in comics from episode to episode.

Definitely don’t fall into the all-super-hero-romance-alll-the-time trap, but as a super-hero fan, those are the most likely to pique my interest. I’m just not that big of a melodramatic soap opera guy, which is why as a for instance I ended up preferring teen humor Patsy Walker even though I went in expecting to be more interested in serious-continuity-ahead-of-joining-Marvel-Universe-proper when I was first investigating her.

It’s a punch in the gut to realize Kill Your Boyfriend really was a “grunge era” book from twenty years ago. Fuck me. I tried Young Heroes in Love way back then, but it didn’t grab me. In retrospect, it should have been at a different publisher, along with Scare Tactics. I’ve always wanted to hear more about Angel Love without ever being willing to read it myself, which would require motivation, since I don’t think I’ve ever seen an actual copy of that book.

One character I haven’t heard mentioned yet is Zatanna from her appearances in Smallville. While probably not technically one of Superman’s loves, she would flirt with Clark whenever she appeared in an episode. I liked her because she came across as more self-confident and less angst ridden than most of the other characters in the series, at least as I recall.

Not one mention of Misty? Remember? The girl that the robot teacher from Krypton kidnapped, let her seduce Clark, then mind-wiped! How could you leave her out?
I understand not including Terri Cross. She was crazy for Clark, not Supes.
I’m not making any sense to you kids, am I? Martin, surely you remember?
And Kristen Wells! Completely ignored! I will no longer listen to this podcast!
Until the next one.

I know I’m a bit late to the party, but I think Krypto should be added to the list of Superman’s loves.

Why?

Because there’s no purer love than the love between a child and their dog. When Krypto was brought back to DC continuity, Superman was an adult and it was very clear that his love for Krypto never wavered.