Nothing erodes a sense of personal empowerment like not being heard. What may be going on when you try to offer a perspective and it's ignored, brushed aside, or automatically negated? Feeling consistently unheard suggests that work troubles or marriage problems could be on the road ahead--or have already arrived.

Initially, dismissal of your viewpoint is likely to evoke a bit of anxiety. If it continues, being ignored or negated probably will engender irritation and eventually even anger. Consistently being ignored by someone of import to you also can invite depression. Depression is a disorder of power. If what you say is not being taken seriously, you will feel dis-empowered.

Most people open their ears to information that confirms what they already believe, and, alas, close them to dis-confirmatory information. If I already believe, for instance, that religious affiliations augment life, I will be open to research that suggests the benefits of prayers. If my belief is that religion is the opiate of the masses, I will be highly skeptical of positive reports about the impacts of prayer.

Because of confirmation bias, people tend to listen to people who express opinions that are similar to theirs. Politics particularly brings out this unfortunate reality. People with left-wing political assumptions, for instance, tune in to MSNBC which feeds them further information that supports their prior beliefs. People with right-wing political assumptions watch Fox News. Neither group's adherents will tend to listen to the other group's newscasters. And if they do, the listeners will be more likely to disparage than to take seriously what they hear.

Cognitive dissonance plays a role here too. If you like someone, you are likely to be interested in hearing their perspectives. If you are angry at someone, your knee-jerk reaction is likely to be to reject what they say as wrong, unimportant, or otherwise not worth listening to. That is, we take in information if data, or the giver, feels consonant with how we feel either about the speaker or about the issue.

Both confirmation bias and cognitive dissonance make us all prone to reject dissonant data, that is, data that differs from what we previously have believed or that is spoken by someone toward whom we harbor negative feelings. If negative political talk has convinced us that we should not like a particular politician, for instance, we are unlikely to listen seriously to that politician's ideas about what our city or nation needs.

2. S/he doesn't listen to me because of narcissism.

The essence of a narcissistic way of being in the word is a stance of "I know best" so "Your perspective is not worth listening to." This all-about-me and I'm-always-right stance leads individuals with narcissistic tendencies to do lots of talking with quite minimal listening. When they do listen, they listen to dismiss or show what's wrong with what others say instead of to take in new information.

The worst listener I ever have encountered in my clinical practice turned out to have been a highly successful professional athlete. His sport was baseball. Guess what position he played? He was a pitcher. He believed in throwing but not in catching. Mr. Pitcher tossed out information to people, and had little to no interest in hearing what others, and especially his wife, had to say — unless it was praise or other positive input about how great he was.

Teenagers, alas, tend to specialize in narcissistic stances. They often believe that they know best. Listening to Mom or Dad can easily feel to them like an action that would compromise their integrity as emerging independent individuals.

In any case, there's good news here. Whatever is causing habitual but responses, a butting listener who has become aware of the habit may be willing to learn to respond instead with Yes...And at the same time.

3. S/he doesn't listen to me because of anger.

Anger opens the mouth and closes the ears.

Intense anger especially diminishes listening capacity. The more anger, the more inability to uptake new information.

Ever try talking with someone who is raging? You might as well talk to a statue or a rag doll in terms of how much what you say will be heard.

As with narcissistic listening, if someone who is mad does "hear" you, it will be just to knock away what you have said with reasons why what you said is wrong. Expect what you say to be met with "But..." Anger creates narcissistic functioning, i.e., "What I believe and want is holy, and what you believe and want is irrelevant."

4. Distrust blocks information uptake.

Once you have said or done something mean, hurtful or dishonest to someone, that person is likely to remain wary of whether you are for or against him/her. Once shattered, trust is slow to heal.

Just as we spit out food that we think may be spoiled and therefore toxic to us, we reject information from those who appear to be more enemy than friend.

5. S/he doesn't listen to me because of treating me the way I treat myself.

How well do you listen to your own quiet vioices? When something within you speaks, e.g., says, "I'm tired," do you listen, or do you ignore that inner voice?

Listeners subjectively tend to mirror speakers' attitudes toward themselves. If you like yourself, others will tend to like you. If you listen to yourself, others are more likely to listen to you. If you "but" yourself ("But I have too much to do to go to sleep now"), others are likely subconsciously to do the same toward you.

6 S/he doesn't listen to me because of my aggressive manner.

Everything we say comes with a little invisible and yet clearly perceptible tag on it that says either "You're OK" or "You're not OK." So if you say "It's a beautiful day," your tone of voice will convey either good cheer ("I'm OK, you're OK") or annoyance ("I'm OK, you're not OK"). For instance if you are frustrated that your friend is still at home when you wanted to go out together to do errands, "It's a beautiful day," though seemingly benign words, may convey, "What the devil is wrong with you, staying home in this weather!"

Any even slight tone of irritation, complaint, or criticism is likely to evoke defensive responses. Defensive responses block hearing to prevent the "you're not OK" message from penetrating your database along with the main message.

If your messages are not going through, check out your voice tones and attitude. Hostile voice tones invite others to defend against instead of listening to what you are saying.

7. S/he doesn't listen to me because of my quiet or loud voice; because I talk too fast or too slowly; because of the uptick voice at the end of my sentences; because I string together too much data with excessive ands.

Listening effectively occurs only within a relatively narrow bandwidth. If a speaker's voice is too loud, or too soft, or the words come out either too fast or too slowly, listeners turn away.

Pay attention too to the common mistake of ending each statement as if it were a question, that is, with a melody that goes up (signaling question mark) instead of down (signaling a period). "This room is too hot?" is less likely to lead a listener to turn on an air conditioner than "This room is too hot."

Similarly, beware of linking multiple thoughts with "and." Run-on sentences turn off readers of written documents, and also turn off the ears of listeners. "I went to the store and saw Jack there and realized that I had left the oven on and so I ran out without even saying good bye and I've been wondering ever since if I hurt his feelings and now I would like to..." No matter how interesting your comments are, run-on sentences are a listening turn-off.

Parents of teenagers are especially at risk, with or without too many ands, for offering more information than their son or daughter will be willing to listen to. Specializing in the 3-sentence rule (no more than three sentences per comment to a teenager) can increase the odds that a teenager will keep his or her ears open when parents are talking.

8. S/he doesn't listen to me because of I've been giving advice instead of information.

It's normal for family members, work colleagues, and even a boss, to tell their troubles to others. Does that mean that they want advice? Unlikely. Information, yes; advice, no. What's the difference?

Information empowers others to make their own decisions. "Planting flowers before June in Colorado often results in lots of frozen, never-to-grow-again plants."

Advice, by contrast, risks undermining others' sense of personal impowerment, especially when it is given with insistence that "You should do it my way."

"Wait to plan your flowers until after June 1st. You'd be making a huge mistake if you don't follow that rule." Your information may be right and at the same time your insistence is likely to block your listener's receptivity.

9. S/he doesn't listen to me because of I use annoyingly repetitive words: Like, you know ...

Repeated non-meaningful words clog a conversation like garbage can clog up the kitchen sink. "I went into town you know yesterday. Like, it was so hot out I thought I'd like melt in the bus."

Because teenagers learn language habits from peers as well as from home, they are especially at risk for picking up this off-putting habit, a habit that decreases parents' interest in listening.

10. Others don't listen to me because they treat me the way I treat them.

"Before you criticize me, better look at yourself." Those words from a famous song offer perennially helpful advice. Maybe the person you want to have hear you better has been getting short-changed on the listening end from you. Are you too often dismissive, minimizing the import of what others tell you, or listening to show them what's wrong with what they've said instead of listening for what's interesting?

If you have not been listening to them, the odds zoom downward that they will hear you. The good news here is that pretty much everyone else wants to be heard just like you do.

To assess your own listening skills, you might try the quiz in an earlier post I've written on listening patterns.

So if someone who is important in your life continues not to listen...

Diagnosis is a first step to treatment.

Understanding what you may be contributing to the listening blockages is especially helpful because what you have been doing, you can change. The old adage about where there's a will, there's a way has much truth in it.

As to how to get yourself heard more effectively, remember the rule of sameness: More of the same will get you more of the same. Think of the challenge of getting heard as a fun opportunity for creative thinking, let those creative joices flow, and, you never know....

There are gender things, too... for example, as a guy, my amazing wife can often go into excruciating detail about things I just don't need to know about. Twenty-five minutes on every single thing she looked at and bought --or didn't buy-- gets old quickly, and I tune out. This hurts her feelings incredibly... yet it keeps happening over and over. :)

what do i do if i try my best to change and influence him and he doesnt get it?
i just dont matter enough to him and if i do my best to put out and use subconscious clues like for him to understand that he doesnt give me a say in ANYTHING so that he can just
give me the love i want then what the hell am i gonna do when nothing gets better?
give up?

Trying to change your partner is unlikely to prove effective.
A better strategy may be to change yourself, in this case, to change your belief that "I don't matter enough to him." He may just not be someone who is capable of giving love.

For sure getting mad at him for being who he is will prove to be ineffective as a route to your feeling happier.

My husband and I will talk about how we can change things eg - let's close our 4yr olds windows so the morning birds don't wake him up at 5am...the night's I put our boy to bed he sleeps until 7:30am and the night's my husband does he "forgets" this happens to often with everything in our relationship...he is a high achiever at work just not at home unfortunately :'(

My guess is that your husband's "forgetting" is frustrating for you. That's one of those habits that spouses often have that prove that no one is perfect.

My hunch is that he does have virtues as well as foibles....it might be a good idea to focus on those, and treat his "forgetting" like the weather--sometimes not what you'd choose and at the same time something you can good-humoredly work around.

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Friday, I told my husband NOT to take paper towels to an event because we only had one roll left. He specifically says that he's going to store to purchase paper plates & napkins. Therefore he doesn't need paper towels.

Today he pulls a roll out from his bag. I asked why he took it & he said I told him to. He even claimed that I handed them to him. My husband was not attempting to manipulate me or lying. He truly believed what he said. Stunned isn't the right word for my emotions.

Several times I am text him a small grocery list. No more than 5 items. The man comes home with the opposite of what I asked. Fruity pebbles instead of Coco pebbles. Steak fries instead of seasoned.

Although he has reading comprehension issues, he has a Masters degree & is currently pursuing a 2nd one.
This behavior is in addition to not taking my advice concerning small things. (Take the camera, ask if there are food allergies...)

Changing a spouse's patterns is generally a lost cause, and all the more so if he seems (as yours does) reasonably well intentioned.

Better to accept that telling him what to do will be a lost cause, and therefore to figure out a different way to do partnership without asking him to do x, y or z. You do your list of to do's; he does his, and never the twain do meet. It works. Appreciate each other's contributions instead of asking for this or that.

In Massachusetts where I grew up there was a lake, or so I was told, with a long Indian name that meant: You fish on your side of the lake, I'll fish on my side of the lake, and no one will fish in the middle.

Thanks so much for your quick response. I can't believe that never occurred to me.

Also, I read my post & your response to my husband as we headed to the store. Before he hopped out he said, "And regarding communication, which diapers am I getting?" Me, "don't worry. I'll go get them."

I get this a lot from my partner: 'stop lecturing me' or 'stop talking to me like youre my dad'. No matter how hard i try to approach things in different ways etc. Also, I worry that while I try everyday to improve myself she refuses to and stays the same. Making the same mistakes over and over. Any advice?

Some people have a confusion between "hearing" and agreement. When my wife and I don't see a situation the same way, she quickly accuses me of not hearing here. I listen carefully, repeat back a synopsis if what she had said, but is if I again express a different view she takes that as proof that I didn't hear her. We waste lots of time going round and round in this and can be very frustrating, as it takes the discussion away from what we were talking about to whether or not I listen.

This didn't answer any of my questions. My husband tells me I don't about my feelings and if I do he tells me I am stressing him out. Then he tells me I said something completely different from what I said and that his own actions are never really his fault. How do you deal with that?

It's truly challenging when your spouse has listening deficits, which is what you are describing.

He in theory wants you to tell him your feelings. At the same time, hearing what you feel probably genuinely overloads him. He doesn't know what to do, and probably personalizes your feelings (hears them as comments that he takes personally, as signs of his failings or as criticism of him).

When he does try to listen, it sounds like he interprets instead of absorbing information directly. You want to play a game of catch where you toss him information and he clearly catches the data you have thrown him, and then returns a ball with data convey his additional perspectives to you. That's what I refer to as additive dialogue, which feels gratifying to both partners.

Instead, your husband may be thinking he's playing football, that is, supposed to catch the ball and run it down the field for a touchdown, that is, to create an interpretation.

As to your question about how to deal with it, the least effective response is to try to get him to change. Criticizing him, or trying to coach him, are likely to just increase his sense of failure and making him more anxious and less able to listen.

The most effective is to look at what you can do differently. "Yes, I agree that ...; and at the same time ..." --and you then patiently repeat what you said prior. He may hear it the second or third time, and may not.

This response on your part would be based on a compassionate understanding that he does have a genuine listening deficit. Accepting that the deficit is real can enable you to work around it instead of getting annoyed about it each time it becomes evident.

I recommend a book called "So That's Why I Married You" by Chana Levitan for situations like what you describe, where a partner has a clear deficit. So do we all, though some, like this one, are particularly challenging to deal with--

My adult daughter began accusing me of not listening to her when we were planning her wedding in 2006/7. She was a pretty nervous bride and everything had to be her way and very specific. In a large, expensive wedding where she literally changed every single customary wedding feature, I couldn't remember every last detail. I'm a busy business owner, I'm in AA 29 yrs, I have sponsees, and have a very happy marriage. With all of this going on, I can't remember every single word I'm ever told.

However, I"m an excellent listener. I did not come by this naturally, but when I was a teenager I noticed I was not being a good listener and I determined to change that. Over the years I've become a very good, active listener. I was also a paralegal and have taken courses on evidence, so I have a mind for detail. I've heard comments over the years from others when I remember details about what they told me and it surprised them. I'm talkative, but I take listening very seriously. I've asked some close relationships, like my husband and others if I am not being a good listener and not realizing it and they have all said that is not true.

My daughter accuses me of not listening to her. This started, as I said, back in 2006/7. She is lovely to everyone else in her life, but I feel she makes me her whipping post for her anger. After the wedding she and her husband almost completely ignored my husband and myself for the next 6 yrs. They divorced and she has fallen in love and is having a baby. Things have improved and we see more of her.

She came over tonight for dinner and while I was cooking she brought up a political point - we are political opposites. I waited about 15 minutes and then said I didn't think it would be a good idea for us to talk politics from now until November. We should just agree to talk about a different topic. I said it very nicely - no bad attitude. She got angrier and angrier. She repeatedly told me I don't listen. She told me I was crazy, used the F word about 10 to 20 times, said all sorts of cruel things. I tried to remain as calm as I could. She is pregnant and I don't want to upset her, but she escalated and escalated until she stormed out of the house. She threatens not to see me anymore and seems to indicate she will use the grandchild (our only child and grandchild) as a weapon.

Because I'm in AA I keep coming back to myself and trying to see whether I brought this on. Honestly, I didn't. I'm wondering what psychological issue would cause someone to make the accusation that another is not listening when the accusation is untrue. What is it that causes this with her?

I wonder where the line is between acting like a spoiled brat and being immature or having a psychological problem that should be dealt with professionally. My sense of it is that she wants to be in control. She gives the appearance of perfection to the outside world, then when she is stressed she lays into me because she trusts that I won't abandon her.

You may be describing amygdala hyper-reactivity. When people react too quickly and with too much emotional intensity to what seem to others to be non-provocative interactions, they become unable to listen. This is the essence of bpd. You might want to google or search on PT for my other articles on this phenomenon.

Note also that probably your daughter's acusations about you not listening are projections. SHE doesn't listen, probably in part because once her amygdala goes off and she gets mad, she has no capacity for acurate listening. What she hears is what she fears instead of what you actually say.

Im sorry, this will be longer than intended. But it's needed for explanation. I'm a very rational and patient person. I hardly lose my temper.

This friend of mine has depression and anxiety. She was on medication, but then stopped seeing her doctor, and cold turkey stopped taking pills.
She just lost a close friend last year, she has constant panic attacks.
She takes everything people say as attacks to her.
She's always triggered, or freaking out. Constant relationship problems because she falls in love before the relationship starts.
She can't ride the train without hyperventilating, and then texting me about a cute guy she's stairing at.

I've always been there for her and kept a tight lip about what I thought about her actions.

However, she has a roommate who is known to steal money.
I told her that my boyfriend and I had decided that we don't want that person at our house for our Halloween party.
She had also told me that she was having another horrible day because it's a week until the one year anniversary of her friend. (She calls him a brother but I've never met him. Her and I are very close.)

I decided to be honest.
Probably a mistake.

I have depression and anxiety, I'm going to grief counselling and acupuncture. However, I mentoned to her, that I need to find another way to help myself.
Because sometimes it's not enough.

I mentioned that it would be beneficial for her to seek someone who can give her techniques to cope. I told her that it hurts to see her suffering. Also that there are only so many ways that friends can help. Sometimes outside help, in anyway can really be beneficial.
She's never been close minded to the idea, we have talked about it and she was open to it.

She instantly responded to me, calling my boyfriend dumb for his decisions.
She also completely ignored my mention of my mental illnesses and she took my advice as an attack.

I calmly responded that I didn't appreciate her calling my boyfriend that. I told her that it was a sensible decision to not let a known thief in our house.
I then tried to explain that I'm not perfect, I'm still seeking help. I told her that I wasn't only concerned about her wellbeing. (She cuts her wrists a lot. She's almost died three times.)
I told her to just have dinner, take time to calm down and then, re read everything.

She responded with angry gibberish. A lot of caps and F words.
Told me that telling her to calm down was the "WORST" thing I could have said.
She told me not to respond unless I said sorry.

I responded, not apologizing. I pointed out that I had apologied in every previous message.
I had mentioned countless times that I love her, I'm sorry for upsetting her..
I pointed out that I didn't appreciate her insulting my spouse.
Or telling me to F off.

I told her that it hurts, to have my "best friend" lash out at my honest opinion.
That's not what friends treat friends like.

I told her that we aren't getting anywhere while she's upset. I told her that she needed to read my messages when she's gotten all of her emotions out.

I told her that SHE owed me an apology.

She sent me a message trying to turn it back to me.
I almost responded, but realized that she was baiting me. I lose either way. I don't respond, she assumes she's won the discussion. I respond, stirring the pot.

I deleted her message and left it at that.

Am I doing the right thing in just, ignoring her until she is rational?

She said in the message that since we had plans to hang out this weekend, we could go to a park. So she can "tell me all of the ways that I attacked her." And so we can talk like adults. She said that I might have misunderstood her.

I believed it for a moment. Looked back at my messages, analyzed everything that happened. I realized that I was calm, respectful and rational. I wasn't nice, I was direct. But I wasn't mean.
She straight up was aggressive, mean and irrational.

I want to continue this friendship, but after tonight.. I'm not sure if it's toxic.
The thought of ending the friendship is almost uplifting. But the guilt would be.. extreme.
She is completely unstable. I'm just tired of putting my problems aside to always be there for her problems. (Most of which are caused by her and could be easily avoided.)

I try to not be judgemental. I know there are two sides to everything.
I didn't handle tonight the best way that I couldn't have. I'll admit I was upset about the insult to my spouse.

I'm impressed with your patience with your friend, and also with your attempt to speak honestly with her.

Sometimes it becomes necessary to remove yourself from a situation to protect yourself. Sounds like you may be heading in that direction.

Maybe you can let her know that you are wanting to continue the friendship as long as your interactions are positive. If she is interested in blaming and accusing however, you will look forward to getting together with her again when she has gotten past the anger.