Bachelor in Paradise recap: D’s New Lo

Welcome to the emotional roller coaster that is Bachelor in Paradise where scantily clad men and women gather together to consume fruity alcoholic drinks as they try to figure out where someone else’s head is at.

It pained me to end that sentence in a preposition, but that is currently where my head is at, so this is where I stand because I have all the power.

You can’t stop the vibe. No matter how hard you try.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Chick-Fil-A drive through girl who obsessed with This Is Us and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Because we have several storms already a-brewin’, ABC tosses another dude into the mix carrying a date card and a creepy doll. That’s right! Adam Jr.’s Dad is back and he’s ready to party with — you guessed it — Raven.

Adam pulls a Danny and Sandy powwow to see who is vibing who. I adjust my document parameters so that Word stops autocorrecting V-I-B-I-N-G. Sadly, it is an actual term I will be using in the near future and I’m tired of changing it from vining every other paragraph.

The things I do for this show…

As I said, Adam admits that he’s interested in Raven and maybe Kristina. Ben and Robby eye each other, nervous that their love triangle may have just morphed into a love quadrangle. Dean stares blankly and Iggy the informer lets Adam know that “everyone is open” besides Taylor and Jaz. This is news to Matt, but he doesn’t say anything to contradict the relationship status.

Adam snags Kristina first. She looks pleased and admits that she hit it off with Dean, but she currently doesn’t know where they stand. Should Adam ask her out on a date, she would need to talk to him first before accepting. Adam mentally checks her off the list and heads to Raven.

We learn that Raven and Adam already met in Dallas during the hiatus, where they “hit it off” because Adam is so chill. I guess he’s confident where his head is at.

Adam: “What’s the 4-1-1?”
Lincee: “As if! Why are you pretending to be Cher Horowitz?”
Raven: “I like Ben. He’s a total Baldwin. Robby? Not so much. I don’t know what to do, but my goal in life is to be like Carly and find weird love in Paradise.”

Raven is deemed “dope” by Adam. He chooses to ignore his gut telling him to pick Kristina and instead listens to one of the voices in his head suggesting he ask Raven on her second date in 48-hours.

Her bright red romper outfit showcases so many cold things: clavicle, spine, ribs, shoulders, you name it. The piece was a feat of engineering and good for her for having the ability to keep everything in its place!

The duo talk about the good vibes they experienced in Dallas when they drank and danced together. She reminds him again that she wants “Carly love” and Adam tells her that anything is possible. Raven loves that he’s so blunt. She also knows that if she challenges him, and tells him something he doesn’t want to hear, he’ll be cool with it.

This was the part where I thought Raven was going to tell Adam that she liked Ben Z better. Instead they salsa danced in the street.

Meanwhile, Dean sleeps on the beach bed in the most uncomfortable looking position ever. He’s the new Corinne. Kristina wakes him up (not a good decision) and he doesn’t want to talk just yet because he needs to “shower and look pretty.” Kristina leaves in a huff spouting her signature “good talk” line.

Later, the boys manscape each other while the girls primp and preen. Everyone puts on their best linen outfits, wacky shirts, and bow ties. Hairspray, hair gel, pomade, and sculpting chutney come out in full force because a literal storm is threatening the rose ceremony and the last thing these people need is a wayward hair pulling focus.

Let the cocktail party begin!

Jack Stone grabs Sholphin and they have a conversation pretending that they have been vibing this entire time. Ben Z hits up Raven and manages to ignore both of her upper arm warmers in lieu of a serious conversation about both his dog and where her head is at. She claims she has no idea who she is going to give her rose to.

Fast forward a few hours and Raven is surrounded by all the boys at the bar. Adam steals her away so they can practice their salsa moves. He tells her that he’s an aggressive guy and that “sometimes you have to go for what you want.” Then he goes in for the kiss.

Poor Raven. It’s soooooo hard being the popular one of the group. How will she ever choose? Navigating the waters of Most-Desired is tough.

Robby is no idiot. He looks around at all the boys falling all over themselves to get a sniff of Raven and an in-depth look at that impressive top knot on her head. He zeros in on the limp gazelle on the outskirts of the herd. Amanda is his new quest.

But wait! Robby and Amanda’s ex-boyfriend/fiance she met on this exact show who is sweaty and likes pizza and hates Nick, but cannot be named is Robby’s good friend. THIS FEELS WEIRD!

Robby reminds Amanda that Anonymous lost his chance. He wants to kiss her with his man beard. Get ready girl, because Robby is coming in for a landing!

Amanda stops him. She’s not ready for a kiss. But she’s not saying that it will never happen. And from the looks of the next episode, it happens pretty quickly in the water. Patience, well-groom grasshopper.

Here’s where we stand with everyone else on the island:

Nick continues to have a serious relationship with rum.

Taylor and Derek are rarely on camera because they are rarely not horizontal.

Jasmine is happy she and Matt took “a break” because now they have it all figured out. Matt was never aware that they took a break, but he’s happy to sort-of vibe with Jaz so he can get her rose.

Iggy blesses Lacey’s wine with a Yiddish prayer. We’re not told how he Googled the phrasing. I have a feeling the ABC Intern was involved. Or Wells.

Lacey confesses to Diggy that she is not vibing Iggy. She reiterates this fact by kissing Diggy.

Dean wants Kristina to know that he wants to pump the brakes on their relationship. He wants to tell her this before the rose ceremony so she can gift her rose to someone else if she wants. There is no question where his head is at.

Alex, perfectly dressed in a pineapple shirt, hits on the Sholphin, Nashville Danielle, Lacey, Jasmine, and Kristina when Amanda tells him that he will NOT be getting her rose that night.

ROSE CEREMONY

There are eight roses and twelve guys. Once you do the math, it’s pretty easy to guess the four guys going home.

Nick, Alex, Vinny, and Iggy hit the rejection SUVs with faulty seat belts. It was touch-and-go there for a minute with Ben Z, but luckily Nashville saved the day and gifted him with her rose.

All is well in Paradise…until it isn’t.

The next morning Danielle L. from Nick season arrives in an ice blue dress that, according to Ben, she knows how to wear. You remember D-Lo, right? She’s the one who went on all the dancing dates with Nick, including the Backstreet Boys extravaganza.

All heads turn and the girls notice the boys reacting somewhere along the lines of this:

This time D-Lo takes the girls to Danny and Sandy upstairs. The boys discuss her “positive, bubbly spirit, and great personality.” You know, all of the intriguing characteristics you can glean from a person after a twenty-second introduction.

Lacy announces that she wants to ask out either Dean or Ben Z. Lacy asks Kristina how she feels about this reality, to which Russia responds, “I want to lie down.” Instead, Nashville braids her hair in direct eyesight of D-Lo creeping on Dean.

Later, when everyone is lounging together on the beach bed, and after she talks to Ben, D-Lo asks Dean if he would like to join her on a date. He immediately responds in the affirmative and they leave together to get changed because D-Lo’s ice blue slit-up-to-there dress doesn’t really scream ATV riding.

Side Note: At this point in the episode, Sholphin and Jasmine fake fight in the hot tub, then they give color commentary while they watch Derek and Taylor nap. To quote Sholphin, they are killing paradise. Praise for the comic relief!

Okay. Back to the drama.

Dean finds Kristina in her cabana before he leaves on his date to see where her head is at. Kristina is strong. Her head is directly on top of her neck, where it’s supposed to be. She wishes Dean to have fun. She doesn’t want to hold him back, nor does she want to play second fiddle.

Dean giggles as D-Lo drives like a bat out of hell on their shared ATV. He loves that she can get dirty. They chit-chat about life. Her birthday is December 28, which is super hard falling near a major holiday. He admits that he thought she was interesting, even though he never watched Nick’s season. PS: He thinks she’s pretty. PSS: Nick is a boring person and D-Lo is glad she’s in Paradise. They kiss it out overlooking the ocean.

Back at the cabana, Kristina processes through what’s going on with the Dean she got to know in Kentucky. He’s different here. She doesn’t know if she supposed to trust his words or his actions?

Well, since his tongue is currently down D-Lo’s throat, I’d say his words are your best bet.

The Ds return to the cabanas and immediately belly up to the bar. Kristina wanders in, because it’s important for her to look like she doesn’t care what’s going on. She regrets her decision immediately and slinks off to the beach with Mama Amanda and Nashville close behind.

Dean feels all the feels. Ben Z an Diggy console him. Diggy wins the line of the night:

“You did what any guy would do. Say yes to the dress, man.”

The boys encourage Dean to take a drink to Kristina as a peace offering. She accepts. Dean tells her that the day consisted of ATV rides, not a lot of romance, a lot of talking on her part, a lot of listening on his, and oh yeah, there was a little peck at the end of the day.

Dean follows that up with a quick “I wanted you to know that” and “I told her we were pumping the brakes on our relationship.” For some reason Kristina receives this information as good news. She thanks Dean for telling her and proceeds to flirt, flirt, flirt.

Kristina is ready for a fight. Put on a sports bra, D-Lo, because Mother Russia is coming for YOU!

That night, all the gang heads to the beach so they can make some s’mores. Kristina is in the zone. Dean is right there with her. D-Lo’s cleavage pulls focus.

All is well in Paradise…until it isn’t.

Dean pops up and heads inside. The ABC Intern has baked a cake! So fun! How weird that it’s cut in half, but I’m willing to roll with it. So is everyone else, even though through the glow of the fire, they all wonder who looks sheepish enough to not tell the rest of the cast that it is his or her birthday.

Dean makes an announcement that it’s D-Lo’s half birthday and presents a watermelon cake up for her to enjoy!

What. A. Jack. Wagon.

This is the moment where Bachelor Nation officially turned on Dean for chaching it up in front of the entire cast.

Do I care if he likes Kristina or D-Lo? I do not. What I do care about is that he went home with Kristina THE ENTIRE TIME THEY WERE ON A BREAK. If he wasn’t feeling it when he came back, he needed to tell her that from the get-go.

Do I blame D-Lo for any of this? Nope. She can’t help that she’s going to give Raven a run for her money as Most Popular Islander. No one instructed her to NOT ask Dean on the date. It was public knowledge that they were pumping the brakes. Everyone knew it.

So why am I so upset? Because he flaunted it in Kristina’s face. Look, don’t make believe that you acknowledge half birthdays on a regular basis. No one’s buying it, Dean. Second, you clearly like D-Lo more than Kristina. END IT ALREADY WITH MOTHER RUSSIA. Finally, execute major brownie points celebrations on your own time instead of public all-cast s’mores parties.

Kristina has to take to her bed. She’s so distraught. Not as distraught as the Sholphin when D-Lo dropped the pizza in the sand, but distraught enough.

What did you think about Dean’s actions? Is he in the wrong? Do you think Kristina will move on to someone else in Paradise? My guess is a big, fat YES.