i dont know if i should post this here or not, it's not really a story but i can't talk much about my feelings without giving some back ground i guess.

and i'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me bitch about my father, especially when i know i should be focusing on other things, but i can't help it, i blame him for everything that happened, should i be blaming him? i don't know. i'm obsessed with blaming him and i spend too much time and energy hating him and at the same time i want him to accept me into his life, i know, blah blah blah, keep saying the same things and going no where.

ok. if he didn't leave me and my mother the shit with the stepfather would have never happened, i wouldnt have been so desperate for a father and i wouldn't have bought into his lies when he said this was what all new daddys did with their new sons. what a load of crap, i can't believe i believed him, he said it would make us become REAL dad and son, but what does a seven year old know, not much i guess, and by the time i did figure out it was wrong it was too late. but i blame my father those seven years of nightmares, blackouts, panic attacks, headaches, nosebleeds, no friends, bedwetting, constant fear, not fitting in anywhere, stomache aches, physical pain, thoughts of suicide. ugh, i have to be crazy for putting this here. i also blame my father for, how do i say this without saying it, i can't say the words here, he pretty much decided for me what college i'd go too, what degree program i'd take, i had no choice, i HAD to get out of that house and he offered to pay for my school if i went where he said, so i did. freshman year i got a dorm but had to share with a senior because they didn't have the space, this guy had it out for me from day one and i have no idea why. maybe if I was an asshole jock doing beer funnels everynight he would have liked me better, but that wasnt me, i was creative/quiet. so the friday before the semester ended for the summer i guess him and a couple of his asshole jock friends decided it would be fun for them to have their way with me, i never saw it coming and i should have, i was set to shower change and head out with some friends, walked into my dorm room and that was it, they attacked me and kept me there all weekend doing shit i wont EVER ever ever talk about. they left on monday and the janitor found me. i dont think they intended on killing me but they almost did. so the reason why i'm even bringing this up, believe me i never want to talk about this with anyone, but it was my fathers reaction after the fact. they had to call him since he was paying my tuition and was listed as the emergency contact. as far as he knew i was jumped, beat up and robbed, i never gave him any other info., i refused the hospital to report anything or test for anything, i refused to file a police report, i said i didnt know the guys, but i did, i am stupid I know.

he came to the hospital to see me, barges in the room and starts scraming at me, "how fucking stupid can you be to let this happen, ive never known such an idiot in all my life, you deserved this for not paying attention, can't believe i have such a pussy for a son, did you just hand them your money and ask for a beating?!?!" my mother shows up and he starts in on her "can't believe i let you raise him, if you werent such a stupid whore" and he went on and on. he literally shook me by the shoulders and screamed in my face, to the point where i cried in front of him which just angered him even more, "oh so now you're crying like a pussy, i bet you cried when you handed over your money too" and he yelled and yelled and the nurse had to call hospital security to have him physically removed. is it wrong that i blame him for this? should i have been paying more attention? maybe he was right, maybe i was stupid for letting it happen, i don't remember alot of it but i remember i didnt fight back, should i have? could I have? i don't know and don't even wanna think about it. i have nightmares of my father walking in the room and screaming at me. he didnt care how bad i was hurt, he only cared that i was not man enough to protect myself. ok, i'm really ashamed of this, writing this here, but someone told me i wont get better if i dont work at it and if i keep going the way im going im not gonna last very long. so. im hitting submit.

You were placed in impossible situations when you were a child. You have survived, you are a survivor. It is hard to believe, but you are much more powerful than you give yourself credit. For years I did not beleive my father had anything to do with my abuse. Now that I am older I realize that he should have and could have but chose not to protect me. I consider him to be a coconspirator. It is natural to be angry at your father Zak, he in fact should have done something. You were only a little child. Have you spent much time with a 7 year old boy lately? None of this is your fault. You should be applauded for having the courage to deal with these issues. I don't think that anyone on this discussion board after reading your story will disagree with the fact that your father has serious issues. Keep posting Zak.Your brother,Billy

I am with you here...no regrets...I have not been able to share/post some of the stuff I endured...and I often imagine if I was chosen or destined to be involved and put into the stuff that happened to me....but as a naive young boy...what the hell did I know...So..your being up front and real is really strong and important...especially for me...as I can never know some of the reasons that left me at the hands of evil people.

The thoughts of revenge and hunting down a few of the perps, always danced in my mind...but some force always moved my brian out of that negative energy...Not sure what the right solution for me, as to locatimng a perp...it is so tempting..but then i feel more tied to the events and stalled in moving forward..

Perhaps the best revenge is making ourselves stronger and smarter..and even if I say one word to another guy in here that keeps him going...that is better than revenge...I hope...

Zak,I am sorry. I could not read all your post because it triggers me and I seem to be very vulnerable these days. I want to tell you that you will not make me get sick of you by posting repeatedly about any subject. We need to get these things outside of ourselves to be able to look at them and release the pressure, pain and shame they inflicted on us when we remained silent.I'm sure I sound very angry, unchanged and like a one trick pony with my consitent posts but I know I am becomeing more conscious, and a better person who is getting more and more able to see himself properly by making these posts. I am learning how to see things I always missed because of the intensity of the pain I was containing. Now that I am coming free of my shame and the belief that I as intrinsically defective annd have this forum to post almost anything I feel the need to express I am starting to grow again.

So you go on posting as much as you need to about your dad and step dad until you are able to finally express it the way that you need to to get the relief you sense you will, when you finally hit on the combination of thoughts, ideas and feelings that resolves the issue for you.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

I have felt all of the feelings that you displayed in your post. I have questioned myself SO many times about things being my fault and why didn't I do this or that to prevent things, etc. etc. The main feeling that your post brought out in me is anger, anger at those guys and anger at your dad. ANGER! That son of a gun! I agree with all of the rest of you, Dad has some serious issues.

Zak, if you're a freak, then I guess that we all are freaks. I would consider myself to be the freak of the week. I have to give you a lot of credit for posting everything that you did. You know, I've been involved here to a greater or lesser degree for 6 1/2 years, and I've never posted anything that has happened to me. I guess that I don't have the nerve and that keeps me somewhat stuck. You put it all out there. I can learn from that. Maybe it might help me to post something about me.

Thanks for being open. Thanks to all of you who added to this post. You've all helped me to take a better look at myself.

Zak, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. One of the best parts of MS is that you can vent about what you're feeling and you won't be judged for it. You don't owe us an apology for getting it out.

I'm glad that you decided to stick around. You're in a safe place with people who care about you and want to help you however we can. And don't feel like you don't have anything you can contribute even if it's just saying that you are pissed off. It reminds us that we are all human and that we all need that.

Steve

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Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wanna first say how incredibly sorry am I that you suffered years of being raped by a step father and an attack by college fuckheads...I"m truly sorry Zak.

Now, enough Mr. Nice Guy...your father is a fucking asshole man..a first class piece of shit clearly! And I'm not sure how your mother felt about either him or your stepfather, but she sure could pick 'em.

Should you feel bad about NOT fighting back more in an attack situation? Hell no! First of all, who can say what the level of threat really was and you were out numbered and were with good reason afraid. More to the point though is that your stepfather built in a "comply" switch in you that many of us survivors have and that isn't so easily overturned.

You a pussy???? No way man!!!! Anyone who puts up such a honest and painful post, reliving traumas as deep as you just have is one of the strongest men I know.

Your father's the real pussy for yelling at his injured son in a hospital bed...boy, what a "real" man...yeah, right! He's also an asshole, a fuckhead, and a few other things I shouldn't say...

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