Today Not A News Day Like All News Days But A Special One

HAS IT BEEN that long? Have 13 years flown by since the vice president of the United States, Richard Nixon`s man in charge of flogging the press, departed public office in disgrace?

As a tribute to his contributions to his country and his dedication to upbeat journalism, we are happy to announce that it is once again Spiro Agnew Gag News Day and to present a collection of the warm fuzzy stories he loved so well:

A man who identified himself as an average American television viewer walked into the corporate headquarters of Burger King today and strangled the advertising director of the fast food chain with a white sock.

The killer said he had torn the murder weapon off the left foot of a nerd named Herb. He then demanded $5,000 for being the first person to notice the jerk and knock his brains out in a Burger King in West Palm Beach.

Arrested after a scuffle at a Japanese automobile dealership, Lee Iacocca has been charged with disorderly conduct.

Trouble began while Iacocca was haggling with a salesman over the bottom- price of a Toyota pick-up.

The world`s most famous businessman had demanded a $200 trade-in allowance on his 1985 Dodge Diplomat. The salesman stood firm at 50 bucks and a sympathy card.

Ronald Reagan Jr. and his sister, Patti Davis, were found babbling hysterically outside the gates of the White House at 3 a.m.

Ron Jr. reportedly had a vision in which his name was Dudzynzki and he was on his way to work at a steel mill, carrying a cheese sandwich in a Cookie Monster lunch box.

Miss Davis went to pieces when she woke up in the middle of a nightmare. In the frightening dream her father was president of the United States.

He had just sued the pants off her for defaming his character in a thinly- disguised autobiographical novel about life with a father who thought her name was Betty and a mother who slept on a cot in Bloomingdale`s better dress department.

Law and order has returned to Palm Beach. In a turbulent meeting the Town Commission found a way to resurrect, without fear of being accused of blatant discrimination, the ordinance that required people with suspicious looking skin, sinister-sounding accents and menial jobs to carry an identification card.

From now on, only those black people who are not named Bill Cosby, only those Latins who do not live in Placido Domingo`s house, and only those working stiffs who do not know Roxanne Pulitzer, personally, will be forced to carry I.D.

There will be no demeaning cards, just the word ``Unclean`` tattoed discreetly on the forehead.

In Broward County, the Sawgrass Expressway was opened to traffic almost three months early. When asked what miracle, quick-finish material had been used to surface some sections of the toll road, Expressway Authority chairman Gerald Thompson said, ``Mud.``

Doubts about the suitability of that kind of pavement were erased when contractors explained that mud is cheap, inhibits speed demons, wears like iron, and anybody who wanted to argue about it would be knee-capped.

Archaeologists puttering around the fringe of downtown Fort Lauderdale have made a startling discovery. Buried in a compost heap behind a former pawn shop they found a hubcap from a 1951 Ford.

City officials hailed the discovery and announced they were taking bids from developers interested in making the hubcap the focal point of a refurbished historic district.

Response was limited. The only bidder was a man who wanted to make the battered chrome disc the 422nd item from the left in the front row of a display at Hubcap Heaven. His place of business is located in the middle of the historic district on State Road 7.

And that`s the way it is on April 1, 1986, not a day like all days but a special day -- Spiro Agnew Gag News Day.