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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Things That Most People Will Not Enjoy Reading About. Sorry.

At the risk of alienating my fan base, there are several topics that I must cover because I would be betraying my soul if I didn't. 1. The Mets Are Going to be Orgasmic to Watch in 2006.I am not giving up Diet Pepsi this year for their playoff run, as staying dry for eight months merely made me miserable and was not connected to whether the Mets won or lost. I learned the hard way; I do not recommend sacrificing addictions for sports teams. However, it wouldn't matter if I gave that shizzle up or not because they're going to the playoffs, and possibly the World Series. But Emma, you say this every winter, and you're never right...except in 1999 and 2000. Yes indeed. But this is why they're going all the way this year:They have a fucking badass first baseman now. They had this weirdo Red Sox castoff over there last year, and it was just a giant shit show. No longer. Carlos Delgado could easily hit 30 home runs and get 120 RBIs next season, which, in case you were wondering, is definitely orgasmic. Some of you who know something about baseball may be frowning and going, "Wait, wasn't this the asshole who wouldn't stand up for the national anthem?" Yup. That's the guy. However, now he says that he won't do that anymore. Which is clearly a wise thing to do, now that he's playing in New York. Welcome, et cetera.Heart.Next, they got the best fucking closer available on the market, Billy Wagner.Last year, I had a nervous breakdown, courtesy of their former closer, Braden Looper. On Opening Day, Devra and I got into a giant mishap with a rental van in the Meatpacking District and it turned into a five-hour ordeal. The second I trudged home to turn on my TV and check out the Mets' first game of the season, I was greeted to a home run by Joe Randa off of Mr. Looper. I flipped my shit and am now rather pleased that that enormous cuntsack is out of New York. How could this get any better?HE WAS A PHILLIE. EAT IT, LOOBY. MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

There were several other transactions that took place this offseason that were less notable, but they loosened the Mets' purse strings so they could acquire these behemoth badasses. Much love goes to Omar Minaya, the Mets' GM, who is a FUCKING GOD.Swoon dot com.

I'll stop talking about the baseballness now, but it had to be said. Weenie Enema is blatantly pro-Mets, and it needs to show that lovely trait once in a great while.

Next on the docket: Tuesday night TV amazingness.Mark-Paul Fucking Gosselaar is now part of the Commander in Chief cast!! He had about 5 minutes of airtime, but god damn. Zach has come a long way.toWord.The show is starting to get a little hokey, i.e. Donald Sutherland's character coming over to eat Thanksgiving dinner with the Presidential family. What are the chances Newt was ever asked by Hill to come hang for Thanksgiving? Exactly.

Within the next few days, we are going to have a forum about the movie "Rent," which I saw last weekend and have very strong opinions about. Minions are welcome to contact me to be a part of this."Oouuuuuuut tonight."