Friday, August 24, 2012

by Nomad

A

fter my repeated requests (mostly through the use of a childhood Ouija board), Satan last week finally agreed to a exclusive face to face interview about his take on the upcoming US elections.

Born sometime around the beginning of creation, the publicity-shy father of contention now calls Naples, Florida home. Upon my arrival to uber-elegant villa, I was greeted by Feldgrau-green hunchbacked demon/butler and was escorted through his elaborate Venetian-Gothic residence, (patterned after the Doge's Palace in Venice). After I was escorted through a marble-floored ballroom the size of Royal Albert Hall, we passed onto a pristine white terrace overlooking 10 acres of formal gardens. It is all too too perfect, I think, as I wait.

With a brisk, almost feminine stride, Satan arrives precisely on time, flanked by two beefy eight-foot tall demons in Yves Saint Laurent pin-striped suits and Calvin Klein shades. Satan’s in True Religion jeans, a pale iridescent blue T-shirt- (which, I notice, match his eyes), a shoulder-hugging leather jacket and what look to be brand-new black Puma sneakers. He's taller than I thought he'd be with a physique sculpted by hauling morbidly obese souls to continually burning furnaces.I had been told that this theological bad-boy could be reticent in interviews, reluctant to reveal too much or get too personal.

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Firstly I want to thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule to sit down with us, Mr... Please to meet you. Hope you’d guess my name. (smiles) Pardon? It’s a joke. Never mind. Just call me Lucifer.I am sure you’ve been keeping up with the 2012 election, so let’s start out with a basic question: which party do you support? I don’t think there’s much question about that, is there?As an interviewer, I won’t want to assume anything.

Yes, well, between the two parties- and purely from a personal standpoint- I don’t see how anybody could go wrong voting the Republican ticket. Promoting corporate greed, militarism, low taxes on the super wealthy, second amendment solutions, general intolerance to minorities and the uncontrolled exploitation of Nature’s bounty.. as far as I am concerned that’s a winning platform.This is the party that will deny climate change- at the behest of the Koch brothers- until the day that there’s no difference between a sidewalk in Los Angeles and the lake that burns with fire and sulfur.

This is the party that advocates deregulation- anarchism, really- to give the already powerful even more power to control, to exploit and to destroy.

Come on now. It makes me shiver with anticipation.

Honestly.

I think it was Galbraith who said once:

The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.

So what’s not to like? So, is the Republican party in league with the.. well, you? I prefer not to discuss my business arrangements. My clients generally wish to remain anonymous. For obvious reasons. I try to respect that when possible. Of course, if you look at the record, it’s pretty clear.I see. What’s your opinion of the GOP candidate, Mitt Romney? Well, you know I have been called “ the father of all lies” but some people have told me that even I could learn a few things from this smooth talker from Motor city. Frankly I don’t know how he does it. Most of the things he was for in 1994, he is now against. And yet, nobody seems to question that fact. Not the news media, not the Tea Party voters. Unless he’s using some exotic form of Mormon witchery, that’s what I call an impressive talent.What about his policies? Does he have any? I’ve asked high and low and nobody can tell me what his policies are. In detail. Apparently he is leaving his options open when it comes to silly details like that.What do you think of President Obama?I am deeply disappointed in his performance. When he came to power, so many thought of him as a kind of Messiah and that, in my line of work, is like a foot in the door. Unfortunately, he was just a human.. with all those complicated moral issues. Of course the fact that he didn’t prosecute any of the bankers or any of the war-profiteers from my glory days of BushCheney, that gave me cause for some hope. Sadly- and most Republicans would agree with me- Obama has been a disaster in a thousand small ways. For example, expanded funding for the Violence Against Women Act and he signed the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act. Violence and hatred are my bread and butter, for Pete’s sake. He signed into law the Democratic-sponsored Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, which restored basic protections against pay discrimination for women and other workers. Giving women equal rights certainly goes against all of my personal principles. I reap untold benefits from the subjugation of that gender. Still as long as the Republicans can push their agenda against women's rights, things ought to work out ok. That's the kind of change I can believe in.

Actually, I made a list of all my complaints but I didn’t bring it with me. There was over a hundred really impressive achievements from Obama. I hated each and every one. I’m trying to remember..Oh yeah, that man ordered all secret detention facilities in Eastern Europe and elsewhere to be closed. He tried to close Gitmo but that was blocked by Republicans and some "progressive" Democrats.Why even on his second day as president, he signed a detailed Executive Order that banned torture, reversed all Bush torture policies, and put the United States in compliance with the Geneva Convention. Imagine outlawing torture? That’s upsetting.(I notice Lucifer’s hands are shaking slightly. Then I realize he notices that I’ve noticed.) Ok. I admit it. Obama annoys me. With the help of one of my favorite tools, money, lots and lots of it, I have managed to make a mockery of this year’s campaign. I don’t underrate the power of money to shift opinions. Look at what it did for Judas Iscariot. Anyway, I’ve done my part. Do you find it at all distressing that Christian right wing groups have thrown their support behind Romney? Isn’t that a conflict of interest? You think? (he takes a sip of his Chateau Lafite-Rothschild Bordeaux) I never would have looked at it like that. Let me put it this way, we may not see eye-to-eye on the details but there’s so much our organizations have in common.Such as? Such as, a love for power. Especially the power to rule over others. The other day, I saw this quote by Rev. John Hagee from back in 2008.

“As soon as Jesus sits on his throne he’s gonna rule the world with a rod of iron. That means he’s gonna make the ACLU do what he wants them to. That means you’re not gonna have to ask if you can pray in public school. We will live by the law of God and no other law.”

It’s that kind of determination that only a son of perdition can appreciate. Even though they usually say they love that fellow Jesus the Christus,(wincing) a preacher of love, mercy and forgiveness, compassion and social justice and that. that goodwill to all crap, in practice, it’s another story.As far as I can see, many of the leaders of Christian Right would like to set up a theocratic rule in the US. I see no problem with that. C.S. Lewis said that theocracy was the worst of all governments and I happen to agree. Why? I can only quote what Lewis said. Between a tyrant and a religious fundamentalist, the tyrant might occasionally feel the pang of conscience. It’s possible in theory anyway. However, when a religious fanatic takes power- whatever the religion- any act of cruelty can be excused because “he torments us with the approval of his own conscience and his better impulses appear to him as temptations.”As far as I am concerned, only evil and unimaginable cruelty can come from mixing religion and government. I’m cool with that. (With a look in his eyes like Michele Bachmann on Red Bull, Lucifer takes a deep breath and proceeds.)

And you know what? It won’t stop there. After the domestic purges of infidels, I foresee something even worse- which means, better.. that’s when all of the religious fanatics fight against each other. The idea of a cleric in Iran trying to push his magic red button before the cleric in Washington can push his own holy red button. Turning the entire planet into a cheap knockoff of Hell under the pretense of sending everybody to paradise. Isn’t that cute? (At this point Lucifer quickly wipes a bit of foam and spittle from his lower lip and restores his composure.) What can I say, everybody should have a hobby and plunging mankind into bloody chaos and unlimited misery is something that keeps me out of trouble. So, when it comes to the Christian Right. I wish them the best of luck. One last question: Will you be attending the Republican Convention in Tampa?(He rears his head and throws me a sly smile)Let’s just say this: For wherever two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."

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