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Vertically Challenged Giant

‘At first we thought that the man on the other end of the phone was Michael O’Leary and we’d just woke him up, but further investigation revealed that it was actually a tramp in the Temple Bar area of Dublin, called Mick.’

‘There was a huge and sudden drop in the demand for skilled toy-makers just after Christmas in 2011, which nobody saw coming. This hit one minority group particularly hard, namely elves. Some re-trained as jockeys but for many it has been a difficult year,’ said Mr Osborne.

A team of researchers in New Zealand have conducted a study into the effects of smoking cannabis at a young age, and concluded that ‘Smoking weed while your brain is still developing can make you, like, err…. Forget. Stuff. And things like that, you know…… Cats?’