husband deopped a bombshell...wwyd?

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Lisa_Lionheart wrote:

we are in our mid 30s and our daughter is 9.5 months. he just told me he doesn't want anymore kids. I am dead set on not having an only child, always have been. i have always wanted kids and he didn't until we became serious. kids was a dealbreaker for me. what would you do?

Same happened here. He said it when baby was born. I cried and nagged for two years and eventually he changed his mind. Not how I wanted it to be but it was an absolute make or break for me. I hope your husband changes his mind.

If not for your age, I would suggest that you give him more time. My husband told me upfront that he didn't 'like' children until they hit about 2-3 (when their personalities took over), and that if I wanted to have babies - the bulk of the early childcare would fall to me. A trade-off I was willing to accept, as any fatherly urges he might have had, were satisfied by his raising my almost 4-year old (at the time). He would hold our children when they were younger and coo at them (and love them), but it wasn't until they were past the lying-there-helpless stage, that he became obsessed with them.

But if he isn't gung-ho about even having another, waiting a couple more years before he even began to ponder having one, might put you into "AMA". And if he doesn't want another child at all, would he be willing to take extraordinary measures (IUI/IVF) if it didn't happen naturally for you? My ex, who was 100% content with our oldest, told his girlfriend that he needed 'to establish a healthy relationship' (excuse) with our child before he could even think about having a child with her. Almost ten years later - they are very much in love. But he loved their lifestyle of world travel, oodles of money, the finest things in life - that didn't take second seat to private school tuition, driving all over creation for a thousand extracurricular activities, and holidays controlled by school calendars - more. And by the time he (claimed he) was ready, she was long past childbearing age (she is a decade+ older than he).

Ask DH to go to therapy with you. Strictly to have a third party mediate. Is there something underlying his feelings that a trained professional might be able to help him grasp?. Or, he could have tried to like fatherhood - because he loves you - and realized that after almost a year, it still isn't for him. Either way - you'll both be able to express your feelings, thoughts and fears, with someone who will be able to control the conversation and not let emotion take it over.

Then, you'll have to decide if having another child truly is a deal breaker for you. And go from there.

when we got together my husband said he had 2 children from his previous marriage and he always saw himself as a two child man. he didn't want anymore. I was falling for him and I was falling for his kids (they were 3 and 9months at the time) so his 9 month old daughter was taking the "baby" thoughts from me,she kept us so busy lol. as the kids grew and our relationship grew,I just knew I had to have kids of my own. I sat him down and told him no children is absolutely a deal breaker for me. I would walk away and find someone else to give me children if he didn't want to. I did not pressure him but let him know the importance this held for me. he did not want me to leave and said he would consider more children. he came to me saying he wants to have a family with me and never wanted me to leave. it did not take nearly as long as I thought it would for him to come to terms. well,we just welcomed our 3rd baby boy 5 weeks ago. he said he never thought he would be a father of 5,but seeing how happy I am and how much he loves and enjoys his children,he wouldn't change a single thing. hopefully your husband will come around if you explain the hurt and the importance this hold for you.

You may want to give him 6 months, even a year, and then reapproach him. Pressuring him won't change his mind. The first year is so hard, and as your LO grows, another LO may not seem so scary to him. I had my first at 36 and my second at 37, no complications... obviously you don't want to wait years, but a little more patience with DH may bring him around.

I'd just give him time. Infants are hard and he's telling you he's feeling how hard it is right now. Let your baby grow and it'll get easier for him. Then reassess.

My husband and I go back and forth monthly on which one of us doesn't want another baby or is ready to think about trying for one. It totally depends on how hard our current kid is being... she's a difficult baby.

So I think it could be the same with your husband. I'd just give it a little time and reproach the subject when you're having a great fun low stress family outing or he's having a lot of fun with your current baby. Those are usually the times my husband says he could be ready for another

He just needs a bit of time... babies are so hard. Once your little one becomes more independent and develops a bit more of a personality he will most likely be more open to the idea of another one. Right now he is probably so overwhelmed with the caring for the baby you have, he can't imagine adding another to the mix.

Give it a year, bring it up again. Babies are very difficult. Once yours starts walking and talking he may come around. But be prepared for that to not be the case, especially since having one baby was a compromise already in yours and his initial life plans before you got serious and got married.

My fiance did not want more kids after our daughter (she's a handful). I'm now pregnant with our second and it was his idea! We just had to get past the baby phase and into the toddler stage and now she's happy and fun. Men always forget they're not babies forever.

I think if you don't have fertility issues you can bring up another kid in a year. I would be seriously upset to get pregnant before DD is 3 (and I want 2-3 more). I love her to death but babies are hard. I want her potty trained and sleeping well at night before thinking about repeating it again. Maybe if he sees your LO gaining more independence, he'll start to want another baby without you bringing it up. I think the first 2 years are so difficult and he may feel different once everything has settled.

thank you all for your advice. I feel like waiting to bring it up again isn't really an option. I'm 36 and my OB said to not wait too long. my mom had menopause at 39 so that scares me too. also, our baby is a total joy! she's happy and easy. he's not aware of that though because he hasn't really been around other kids. he is so dead set on it. for all the reasons he originally didn't want kids. I'm just in such shock right now. my options are to stay and not give my child a sibling and likely resent him forever. or leave and give my daughter a broken home and a half sibling. what's a better option for her? keep in mind my brother is my best friend. I can't imagine being let alone having an only child. his sister is 13 years older so he was pretty much an only child. I wish I had time to wait and see if things change but I genuinely don't. waiting another year to start trying was my plan. and what about the fact that he made this decision without even a discussion. for the first time in our 8 years together this is the first time I regret marrying him. like I should have married someone who wanted kids as bad as I do. I'm at a loss right now. I'm honestly in shock.

I can't imagine having a child already and leaving the love of my life because he won't give me another. At least you are a mother (you don't need multiple children for that) AND you get to keep your husband. It actually blows my mind.

I don't know. You should of made that clear that you wanted multiple children before you tied the knot. I guess wait another year and see how things go. If he says no and if you're not happy and if you still really want a second child then your only choice will be to leave and find a new man to give you a baby. I say just be grateful for what you have and the family that you have already. If a second child happens great and if it doesn't then it is what it is. I don't think it's worth breaking a whole happy marriage and family up just because you want a second child.

I kind of see this from both sides because I am adamant that I only want one child. She's currently 3.5 months old and I have no desire to give her siblings. I have 3 brothers and 3 Sisters and have no desire to hear kids bickering all day lol also my whole family are overseas so it's already super expensive going home to visit.

I say wait a year and see how he feels.. I can't imagine having my husband demand another child out of me so soon. It sucks that you made it known that you would like multiple, and he changed his kind but no one really knows what parenthood will be like until they go through it.

Give him time for sure. Babies are hard. He may change his mind but he may not. So your options are to wait, or to leave him tomorrow and hope you find a good man willing to commit quickly and then have a baby with someone you have known for a year, two max. It is quite the risk. Only you know if that is worth it. I've known it work out though. Also, keep in mind that not all siblings are best friends, some hate each other, so that picture you are imagining of loving siblings may not turn into reality. Either way you have a tough road and I wish you the best.

What My Emergency C-Section Taught Me While I initially felt like a failture for having to have an emergency C-section, I soon realized my birth experience was just that: an experience — but not one that has to define my life (or my son's).