Forgotten teams like Buffalo need a jolt of Bon Jovi

Jon Bon Jovi or Donald Trump would make the Bills matter

They head the three groups that reportedly have bid for the Buffalo Bills. You remember the Bills, right?

Probably not, which is why the NFL should award the franchise to Bon Jovi or Trump. Or both, then convince Al Gore and Dick Cheney to join the ownership group. That would make people notice the Bills, which very few Americans have since the O.J. trial.

Almost nobody in Central Florida cares about them. Then again, you could count the number Magic fans in Buffalo on the fingers of O.J.'s bloody glove. Which is why I recommend Rich DeVos sell the team to the Kardashians.

Everybody would want the Magic to go 0-82, but Kim and the gang would provide what every sports franchise needs to thrive – interest.

The old-fashioned way to get it was to win, but even that didn't help the Spurs in our celebrity-obsessed world. If you don't have a flashy team, the next best thing is to get a polarizing owner.

How many people watch Cowboys games just to watch Jerry Jones squirm? The Raiders have stunk for years, but Al Davis made them a brand that can withstand even JaMarcus Russell.

Closer to home, the Predators are suddenly compelling now that The Queen of Versailles might show up in a mink tube top. Thank you, David Siegel.

I have nothing against the anonymous billionaires who own most teams, other than the fact I'm not one of them. But could you pick Mark Attanasio, Robert Pera or Hiroshio Yamauchi out of a police lineup?

They own teams in major American sports, though I have no idea which ones. Wouldn't you rather see a lineup featuring Justin Timberlake, Vince McMahon and Oprah?

Not if you're Buffalo. Bills fans are freaking out over the thought of Bon Jovi's group moving the team to Toronto. Groups have been handing out BON JOVI-FREE ZONE posters at bars and businesses. You'll apparently have to drive to Syracuse if you want to hear "Livin' on a Prayer."

"Man, [bleep] Bon Jovi," Hall of Fame receiver Andre Reed told New York magazine. "You might as well just take this city, throw it in the river and let it go down Niagara Falls."

In a Buffalo News poll, only three percent want Bon Jovi to buy the team. Six percent want Trump. The winner with 83 percent was Pegula.

All together now - Pe-who-la?

He's an anonymous billionaire who owns the Buffalo Sabres. Pegula is the best choice for Americans who want to keep the NFL out of Canada, but I'm not speaking as a Bills fan. I'm speaking as a sports fan who wants to feel something – anything – when I hear "Buffalo Bills."

With Bon Jovi, I'd have big-hair flashbacks and want the Bills to get crushed. Though he'd be innocuous compared to Trump.

The mere sight of him in the skybox would make millions of people want to throw chicken wings at their TVs. But don't hate The Donald just because he's a famous self-promoter. Celebrities are no less qualified to own an NFL team than Stephen Ross, Zygi Wilf or the ancestors of Henry Ford.

At least Trump has football experience, having personally ruined the USFL 30 years ago. But if he gets the Bills, he's promised he won't move them, re-name them the Trumps or make season-ticket holders produce birth certificates proving they weren't born in Kenya.

As for Bon Jovi, he cut his hair years ago and began laying NFL groundwork. He founded the Arena League team in Philadelphia and became pals with Bill Belichick.

None of which impresses Reed or most Buffalo fans. They've told Bon Jovi where he can stick his guitar. They prefer The Terry to The Donald.

Fair enough. But if another anonymous billionaire gets the team, don't be upset if the Bills go down Niagara Falls and nobody notices.