Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Arm-a Get On

Open on:Glennis' face. Her eyes are closed and Glennis sleeps peacefully. Slowly, her eyes begin to flutter open. She yawns.

GLENNISWhat a nice sleep. Man. I haven't slept that hard in AGES. How lovely...what the... what is... HOLY SHIT. THERE'S AN ARM IN MY BED! OK OK. Don't panic, Glennis. Clearly you got drunk last night and went home with an Arm. It happens all the time! Just doooooon't PANIC.

Glennis starts to panic even though she clearly just warned herself not to. She starts to think of all the arm diseases she might have contracted last night. All the other arms this arm might have been with. She shudders.

GLENNIS(thinking to herself)Ok. I just have to wake him (her!?) up and ask it to leave. This is, after all, my house!

Glennis taps Arm on... the arm.

GLENNISUm... excuse me? Hello? Mister... Arm?

(tap tap tap)

ARMHmm... wha? (snorf) Whoder?

GLENNISUm, hi! Um... hey, so this is kind of awkward but I think... I think we got bizzy last night. I mean I'm SURE we were safe because, like, I'm a cautious gal (laughs)... so, listen I don't think we need to say anything more. Let's just go our separate ways.

ARMMffrs. Shhhiizzzzrooop. AAAlllfd.

GLENNIS(thinking)Oh god. This arm is still SO DRUNK. Ok, just get him out of here. No need to cause a scene. God, what an IDIOT I AM!

Picks arm up and shakes it a little.

GLENNISHey! Hello!? Time to get up and go now! I have to be at work in 30 minutes. Come on. Get your... arm pants... on and we'll walk to the subway together. ...crap where are your arm pants. (looking around) They have to be around here somewhere.

ARMGlllleeeeennnnissshh.

GLENNIS(thinking)Oh god. He knows my NAME. This won't end well. I probably gave this douchebag my phone number too! LORD HELP ME.

(to arm)

Yes, yes! That's my name! NOW SERIOUSLY, GET THE FUCK UP.

ARMGleeenish. It'sh me. Your arm. You fell asleep on top offf me again and thought I wassshomeone else. You retard.

GLENNISUm... seriously that is not even necessary. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. You are my arm. You're a part of me. Can't we at least TRY to get along??

ARMGet along!? GET ALONG! You think it's easy being your arm?? Always having to "high five" people and wipe your stupid ass. I mean, I literally WIPE YOUR ASS! How about using lefty over there for once in your life?!

GLENNISShhh shhh shh, baby. Listen. (whispers) You know I can't use Lefty! He's retarded. You've seen the way he writes. And don't even get me started on his wiping abilities. Do I have to remind you of the month of skidmarks??

ARMUggh. FINE. Just... can you just please try to stop falling asleep on me? And for GODS SAKE stop biting my nails, woman! You should hear the other arms talk about me. They think I'm a total slob!

GLENNISOk. I can totally do that. I'm really sorry about that. You... you have a little food on your wrist. Here... I'll get that.

ARMGET OFF ME. Let's just forget this happened. I can't believe you thought you'd slept with me. You're such a whore.

GLENNISYes, yes I am.

ARMGet up. You're gonna be late for work.

GLENNISThanks, Arm. You... you complete me.

ARMOh shut up will you? They already used that joke on The Office.

Glennis and Arm are now living in harmony thanks to Glennis' ability to stop being a total retard in all areas.

About Me

Glesbian (n.) /GLEZ.be.un/

You need to know where Glennis shops. You must find out where Glennis eats. Glennis' opinions on life matter to you. You are a Raging Glesbian.

ASK G

You have questions I have answers, but why should you listen? In 1998 I moved to NY with $500 and 5 bags of clothes. I fought my way through the muck and grime to come out the other side triumphant. Like one of those really satisfying morning BM's, my advice will set you straight.

"Readers can send in questions and Glennis will publish her response, full of profanities, tangents, and surprisingly good advice."-Radar's Work Book Project

Write to:answermecommag@gmail.com

xG

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Glennis-isms

Clair Stare (v) - Derived from the fabulous Clair Huxtable's show-stopping stare. As powerful as any words, fist or bullets and twice as effective. "Piss slowly dripping down his leg he knew at once that his airplane hijacking attempt had, once again, been thwarted by the Clair Stare."

Out-Regis-and-Kelly (adj.) - Used to describe someone's fabulous, sparkly outrageousness. "Not sure if the girl in front of her had fallen or begun a strange, errotic dance, she chose to classify her as out-regis-and-kelly."

Out-Regis-and-Kathy-Lee (adj.) - Used to describe someone's slightly off-putting, drunken or outdated behavior. "The party took a turn for the worse when they arrived and, in truly out-regis-and-kathy-lee fashion, upper decked every bathroom in the house."

Prrrthetic (adj.) - Used to describe a pathetic action that, somehow, ends up making you look adorable. "The prrr-thetic attempt to get him back fell short when the aerial photo of his face made out of cats was overexposed."