10 Ways to Honor Phil Hanlon this President's Day

College President Phil Hanlon lives a
tough life. With his roles as a college administrator, prominent mathematician
and side gig as an Alpha Delta legend in the flesh, our president has a lot on
his plate. With President’s Day upon us, it’s time, we, as students, took some
time out of our own lives to honor our dear leader. We cannot, of course, reach
the levels of academic rigor that he espouses, nor can we achieve temperance of
the sort he would like, but in his shadow we can grow to become the study
beasts of PH77’s dreams.

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Without further ado, Dartbeat presents
the Top 10 Ways to Honor Hanlon this President’s Day:

10. Celebrate the recently warm weather and have a lawn party on AD's front lawn. By yourself. In the snow.

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9. Buy the largest speaker system you
can find and play the Jack-O-Lantern’s “MDF Policy Speech”
video at maximum volume around campus for a 24-hour period.

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8. Make a pilgrimage to Phil’s
hometown of Gouverneur, New
York. Named for noted Federalist Party
Senator Gouverneur Morris, the town of just over 7,000 in St. Lawrence County has a
decreasing population and a struggling economy so … they could use the money.

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7. Get pregnant. Name the child
“Phil.”

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6. Accept the inevitable and go bald
to show your camaraderie with Phil.

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5. Use your connections in Hollywood
to cast Kevin Spacey in a film about Hanlon’s life. (Can’t you see that
working? I can. Emma Thompson plays Gail, obviously.)

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4. Urge the proletariat to rise
against the elite, as represented by the Ivy League, and throw down these
storied institutions. Our dear president could use the vacation.

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3. You know what to do here. Grab your
friends. Grab your friends’ friends. Get their friends, too. Get everyone you
know. The Dartmouth Seven is a right of passage, and the President’s lawn is
one of its most lauded components. So what better way to celebrate President’s
Day than hosting an all-campus orgy right on Hanlon’s front porch?

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2. Grow a luxurious mustache, full of
splendor and the blessings of a thousand leprechauns, groomed with the purest
musk, drizzled in honey from pharaoh’s tombs.