John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Tragic deaths compound our pain. (Published 2/22/2011)

Q:

Anonymous, a Tributes.com visitor from NC writes:

“I lost my father tragically a few months ago. I was a witness to the crime. I am struggling. I put up a good front to others but on the inside I am barely making it. I cry every day. It is hard for me to talk about him. I don't want anyone to talk about him because it makes me sad. I shy away from my daughter when she brings him up. I know that he's gone but for some reason, I am having a very hard time accepting it. I often feel that this is a dream and I will wake up. I miss him so much. I need help, someone to talk to...are there any support groups for family members that have lost their loved ones tragically?”

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anonymous,

While the “tragedy” aspect or your father’s death may be dominating your heart and mind, the bottom-line truth may be that your heart would be equally broken had he died in a different—and perhaps more natural—way. Over the years we’ve seen people get so caught up in “how” the death happened that they sometimes lose sight of the fact that the death itself is what has broken their heart.

The other thing from your note that I want to address is your comment – “ I don't want anyone to talk about him because it makes me sad.” Sad is the normal, healthy emotional reaction to grief, and rather than moving away from it, you should move towards it. Rather than rob yourself, and your daughter, of the natural emotions of grief, share them. You might be surprised that in talking and crying openly you might find the pain diminishing and memories of him and your relationships with him become easier and more heartwarming to talk about.

As to your having a hard time accepting his death and the feelings that it’s a dream:

Those are also very common feelings and thoughts and represent your broken heart that misses him so much. It also is not an uncommon reaction when there has been a tragic event, which usually implies a “sudden death,” which is very hard for us to accommodate.

Our groups are Grief Recovery action groups, rather than support groups. Send me an email with your area code and zip code, and I’ll see if we have any of our Certified Grief Recovery Specialists in your community.