Real Housewives of New York Recap: Ramona is Back from South Africa

And she's more convinced than ever that she's the voice of reason.

Ramona's back, everyone, and apparently two weeks in South Africa have turned her into some kind of guru and renewed her completely misguided attempts at being the voice of reason on this show. Or at least the face of reason. Did anyone see what the hell she did with her face when Heather told her Aviva wasn't invited to the worst jewelry show of all time? It's like Ramona spent all her time in South Africa taking emoting-for-the-theater classes. Except you're on TV, Ramona! Tone it down!

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Speaking of toning it down: Who else needed a reality check this week? (Spoiler alert: Everyone. Especially whoever came up with this tote bag of caviar nonsense. Call me, I have words for you.)

Sonja: These shoes are not operating!

God bless Sonja! Does anything work for her? She's got no hot water, her teeth are literally falling out of her head (and then being stuck right back in with chewing gum and elbow grease), and now she can't walk correctly because her shoes don't work. Worst of all, Sonja believes that Ramona has spent the last two weeks in South Africa HELPING CHILDREN. What? How long have you known Ramona, Sonja? When was the last time you saw her help a child (instead of stealing its soul to remain young)? Could someone step in here? I'm afraid that Sonja is losing it harder than ever.

With that said, she looked amazing on this episode. Flawless.

Carole: I didn't spend the day in bed with George Clooney.

Carole met with Brandi and Yolanda from Beverly Hills and no one really cared. Well, that's not true. I was surprised to see my BH friends for a second, but then I was just annoyed. Who else was annoyed? Why is there a crossover? Why is it not happening with Jersey? You want to see some real drama? Have Carole try to explain what a ghostwriter is to Teresa or have a shriek-off with Melissa Gorga. No more of this "Kristen almost fucked an Elvis impersonator" nonsense. And man, Kristen, way to commit. Almost? :/

Kristen: Go somewhere else for a blowjob!

Kristen hates her husband. In fact, based on how she treats Heather's husband, it's clear she's longing for someone just like him. And to top it off, Kristen and her husband have a pretty heartbreaking fight right in front of Heather's building ... with the doorman watching.

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Someone on this episode mentioned that what's going on in Kristen's relationship is healthy because couples who bicker together stay together. This is a good point (I love to bicker!), but that's not what's happening here. Kristen and Josh are fighting, and it's not pretty. In fact it reminds me of fights I've had with an ex before, right down to the part about not being considerate. Ugh. This is the worst because Kristen is so nice. Find your voice, girl! Go yell at someone!

Ramona: I want us all to get along.

One thing about Ramona: Never try to apply logic to what she's doing. It's just not going to work and she will likely boycott you like she boycotted Heather's 10th anniversary party. Heather's crime? Not inviting someone she didn't want to invite. I'm going to disagree with Heather on a lot of things — stop it with that Holla! — but not on this one. You invite who you want to a party and other people don't get a say. They can throw their own parties!

Dude, Ramona needs to get a grip. Two weeks in South Africa don't make you a wise-woman, they make you an American on vacation trying to see a hippopotamus. Ramona, you've got to remember that shit probably went down while you were away, so you can't propel yourself down the runway (by sheer force of your eyes) and storm into a party to demand that Heather invite Aviva to another party. You just can't. Not even if you've been promised by the production team that you're going to be the voice of reason. Just sit down.

Wait, maybe Ramona should just start engaging in turtle time more. More drinking and less talking makes for a peaceful episode.

Aviva: Not everybody hates me.

Actually, Aviva, yes, we do. And it all has to do with your insistence on using the word "rape" to describe Heather "keeping it real" (her words, not mine) with you. As I mentioned last week, the word rape has some specific connotations. It refers to sexual assault. Heather yelling at you like a '20s gangster has absolutely zero things in common with rape, and equating the two is offensive and insulting. Stop it.

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Look, Aviva is doing better. She met with Heather and the two have reached an uneasy truce that is likely to end worse than the Red Wedding. That's great, but Aviva's still doing this whole thing where she yells at someone and then expects them to apologize. That's not how that works. The other person should want to apologize and should also not do their apologizing due to their fear that you will beat them senseless or emote at them until they are sapped of all energy.

Also, Aviva thought that Sonja and Ramona boycotted Heather's party on her behalf, but I'm pretty sure it's because they wanted more screen time. Well, Ramona, at least. Sometimes all Sonja wants to do is urinate on a hardwood floor and take a nap.

Heather: I just don't like you very much.

It takes a lot for Heather to appear like a mature adult. Between swearing at people with bad posture and threatening to strike others with her fists, Heather hasn't really proven herself to be the calm and collected one of the group. And yet, I totally agree with her for once.

Let's break it down for a second: Heather dislikes Aviva. Heather agreed to try to keep it cordial with Aviva. Heather did not invite Aviva to her party, even though she likely knew it would cause some good drama. You have to respect that. You have to respect that Heather wanted to spend her aluminum (10-year) anniversary in a drama-free zone. You don't have to show up to her party, but you have to respect her decision and not cause drama about it.

Yeah, I get that maybe Heather should have invited Aviva to eat caviar with her, especially considering that Aviva hasn't done anything to her, but it's Heather's party: She can eat beluga out of a tote by her lonesome if she wants to. (I'm going to remind you that caviar is foreplay to Heather, so if there's one thing you take from this recap, I hope it's the mental image of Heather naked and covered in fish babies. You're welcome.)