In the spirit of remaining impartial, what I’m going to do today is not offer any opinion on anything that happened last night, and instead show you a video of a man accidentally patting a woman’s boob.

That’s what we’re all here for, really, isn’t it? A man going in for a high five but missing the other person’s hand and travelling straight forward onto her breast. A man mistaking a woman’s pointing finger for a raised open palm and returning a non-existent high five, but following through and planting his hand onto her bust.

That's Jeremy Corbyn there, thrusting his arm, hand at a right-angle, straight into Emily Thornberry’s unsuspecting chest. Emily Thornberry, having a lovely time, pointing at Jeremy Corbyn, and then lowering her finger just a tad too soon, enabling Corbyn’s wrist to steamroll through the air above her hand, straight into her.

That's Emily Thornberry, chest forward, celebrating a huge majority in Islington, her right breast entirely unaware of the oncoming juggernaut, unable to brace for the impact of Corbyn’s incorrectly-targeted hand. Corbyn, having too much fun and lackadaisically sending his arm on a misjudged trajectory towards a wholly inappropriate destination.

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though.
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