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57 THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT BEING GAY IN MY 20s

They say that it’s in your 20s when you really learn who you are and who you want to be. While I don’t know yet if thats true, I’ve certainly learned a lot about myself, about other people and what it means to be a gay 20-something.

Here’s a list of 57 things I’ve learned (so far) about being gay in my 20s:

Sex is not like it is in porn

You don’t need to go to every gay dance party just because it’s a long weekend

Sleeping with someone because you’re lonely won’t make you feel less lonely

You will never find love when you’re desperate to be loved

You can’t make people like you

The best relationships start with someone being brave enough to say hello

The more time you spend at the gym, the less content you will be with your body

You’re happier when you’re eating carbs

Brains, ambition, confidence and a sense of humour are harder to find than abs, biceps and a big chest

Messaging your ex-boyfriend when you’re drunk on Saturday night is not a good idea

Sundays are more fun when you’re not hung-over

Devoting time to do charity will make you happier than only devoting time to yourself

Gratitude is the key to happiness

Don’t compare yourself to others

You are not a real housewife of NYC or Beverly Hills or Orange County

Everyone is just as confused as you are

The people who you think have their shit together are often the most messed up

The number of selfies you take is inversely proportianate to how good you feel about yourself

“Liking” something on Instagram will never replace a compliment delivered in person

The less time you spend on social media the happier you will be

You don’t need to take your shirt off every time you’re in a place with more than 10 gays

FOMO fades overtime when you realize that there’s not really much to miss out on

Enjoy the moment

Having a photographer take your picture does not a model make

Wear what you want

It’s better to be disliked for being yourself than to be liked for trying to be someone else

You don’t have to have your life in order by 27

Use your head and heart as often as you use your penis

It’s best to leave some things to the imagination

The most intriguing people are the ones you know the least about

Happy couples aren’t always happy

Not everything needs to be shared on social media

Get over your slutty phase as soon as possible before you develop a reputation

Sometimes mornings alone with Sean Cody are better than mornings in bed with some random

Sleeping with straight boys is like drinking tequila, it seems like a fun idea at the time but you’ll regret it in the morning

You may think you fell in love in Mykonos but it won’t last when you both go home

Always wear a condom

Your heart will be broken but it will eventually mend

Don’t place your self worth in other people’s hands

If you can’t find any gay role models, try to become one

Surround yourself with people who inspire you

It’s never too late to start

Be careful who you send nude pictures to

Snapchats can be saved

You might make new friends but the best ones are those who have been there the whole time

The guys you party with don’t necessarily have your best interests at heart

If you’re feeling down, talk to someone, chances are they’ve felt the same way

You can sit with us

You don’t need to shave your chest hair

Just because you love Gaga and Britney doesn’t mean you can’t listen to The Hives

It may be in fashion but it doesn’t mean it’s going to suit you

Bleaching your hair was a bad idea

Plan for where you want to be in 10 years

There’s more to you than your sexuality

You are not better than anyone else

Be kind to others

There’s still so much you don’t know

Image by Sharif Hamza for VMAN Magazine

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Great article! I’ve learned all of these by age 21. I’ve also learned certain people are going to combat anything you say, just for the sake of doing so. Nice to see there are others in this community. Keep on keeping on!

My son reposted this. He is 24, has most of this figured out, and is newly engaged to the best guy ever!
As a (youngish) mom, each time I read something like this that resonates authentic truth, I am prouder and happier for the growth and maturity I see in so many friends, acquaintances & respectable writers here. Good job, Hon!

If you don’t mind me asking, why do you frame your response in such a pompous fashion? As an English teacher, I wouldn’t last long in my job if I were that high-handed with students. By the way, it should correctly be, “… how to use an apostrophe. It is 20s not 20’s in this instance.”

This is very insightful and obviously a message that should be passed through the gay community. If gay men followed these tips there would be a higher level of self-esteem and healthier relationships.

ARTICLES LIKE THESE ARE STUPID AND DON’T ACHIEVE ANYTHING OTHER THAN PERPETUATING THE NOTION THAT GAY PEOPLE ARE AND HAVE ANY REAL DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES FROM ANY OTHER GROUPS OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

Fuck. Literally nothing on this list was actually gay-specific. Titling something like this – that is so generalized – just makes the queer community look uneducated, and disconnected with the rest of the world (believe it or not, there is a world out there, outside of the gay community. I know you moved from a small town to a big city where you can live your glittery life in happiness and smug content, but there is a world out there, and they do share literally ALL of these 57 silly experiences that shape their lives)

Thanks for reading and for your comment. You have actually highlighted the sub-text of this post that we are all exactly the same and our experiences are similar regardless of our sexuality,

I write from the perspective of a 20-something year old who is gay. While I could have entitled the post “57 things I have learned in my 20s”, my sexuality does have an impact on the lens through which I analyse my experiences. I’m confused as to how this can be misconstrued as uneducated?

I somewhat disagree. My ‘slut phase’ began in early 2000’s in freshman year of college. When I went to college, I was just starting to realize I was gay. I was a virgin and had never been on a date. By Christmas break, I was probably averaging sex 5-6 days a week, some days multiple hookups, yet had not gone on a single date. I guess if I want to try to find a positive, I was very young, very attractive, able to hook up with about anyone I wanted, and had some amazing sex. I still wasn’t prepared for the emotional toll of being referred to as “young hung bottom” (gay.com screen name) than my real name. After about 18 months, it had really took am emotional toll on me. I don’t think very many straight students had to go through that.
I do think students coming out at a younger age will help. Coming fully out of the closet shortly after achieving independence for the first time and being surrounded by so many attractive, young, gay students and an expanded internet that made hookups almost immediate.

[…] They say that it's in your 20s when you really learn who you are and who you want to be. While I don't know yet if thats true, I've certainly learned a lot about myself, about other people and what… […]

Thanks for this. You seem to have done all the research and are well organized in your approach. I suffered as a teen and 20 something as a Catholic gay boy. In the ’60s with very little self respect, guilt, shame and frustration. Your guidelines are perfect for many of us at any age.

Dude,
This was well thought out, well worded, shows extreme humble origin from a lot that you post on here, AND I’m happy to share because most gay men don’t understand this even at 30, 40, and even 50. Cheers!
-Billy

Couldn’t agree more. I think “Plan for the next 10 years” should definitely take into consideration career planning. I found it helpful to have a 5-year plan. Whether you stick to it or not is a different story!

I’ve tried to wear things that have been “in fashion” because I thought they would look good on me. I’ve been wrong many times.

It understandable that a lot of the lessons would seem self-righteous if taken out of context but they were lessons that I personally learnt and have worked well for me. I’m not trying to pass judgement on other people or come off as morally superior, I’m merely sharing my own experience. Other people may have had different experiences and may disagree with what I say and I completely respect that. In fact, I would love to know what you and other readers have learnt in their lives.

Getting someone in his 20s to believe a lot of these things, though, is an entirely different embarkment. While true, I wouldn’t have believed that a heart can be mended or that there are consequences to many of my actions. Now in my 30s, I think another list would be applicable. No. 1 would be: “You may not believe them, but you should really listen to your elders.”

4 – More people on here need to remember this one.
7 – Utter, utter bollocks. I hate generalisations, it may be true for one or two but no the majority.
8 – As per anything moderation is the best course of action
13 – Happiness involves far more than that.
14 – Human nature this will always happen.
18 – Mostly agree, although some people are just attention seekers 😉
20 – Moderation again 😉
26 – And the sky is blue…
32 – People take this on board.
40 – One of the stand out points 😉
51 – Skinny jeans come to mind – only a few people suit these and it tends to be the stick insects among us not those with actual real thighs!
54 – Yep being gay is a big part of you but it certainly shouldn’t define you.

Gosh! i love this blog! learning so much from your inspirational and informative posts. Especially when i’ve just come out to the world and finally accepting my sexuality. I’m only 18 and reading your blog helps me get through my early stages of my gay life. You also warn me of some of the dangers that i could possibly fall into caused by my naiveness. i am so thankful that you made this blog., it is really The Modern Gay Guide To Life!
Can’t wait to see more of what you got up your sleeves.

[…] They say that it’s in your 20s when you really learn who you are and who you want to be. While I don’t know yet if thats true, I’ve certainly learned a lot about myself, about other people and what it means to be a gay 20-something.Here’s a list of 57 things I’ve learned (so far) about being gay in my 20s … […]

#46 is too true. Funny how people who are best friends can change on a whim and suddenly you’re a pariah. If only I had come across your list in my 20’s. All of these things still apply, even in my 30’s.