Thursday, December 9, 2010

It really is another planet.

I bring you greetings from
the Labia Majora Sector.

Scientists have discovered microbes* in California that can incorporate arsenic into their DNA instead of the far more popular phosphorus (I'm not really a biologist but I guess this is sort of like settling for hashbrowns when Denny's is out of homefries). The cool thing is that this discovery means that we (well, not we, people in lab coats) have to expand our parameters in the search for alien life. No longer can we assume that the universe is home only to English-fluent humanoids with hilarious foreheads. Now we must broaden our definition to include things like silicon-based or even ricotta-based life forms.

I myself have recently colonized this strange alien landscape and can vouch for California's abundant alien life. Here are some examples of how they're not like us:

What? I like monkeys.

1) You can make a U-turn...anywhere. Anywhere. Unless there's a sign explicitly forbidding making a 180 in defiance of the laws of physics, safety and reason, then by all means go for it. By this logic getting a howler monkey drunk on grain alcohol and letting him steer should be legal, since you know, there isn't a sign saying you can't (I like my reasoning specious).

I'm tired kid, let's just do a show of hands.
I'm gonna have a little lie down.

2) Ballot Propositions. Here in California, people can vote on things like new laws or changes to the state constitution. Sounds like a great idea until someone puts things like, I don't know, civil liberties up for a vote. Suddenly Congress looks like a great idea. Yup, this Prop 8 crap makes me miss the legislative process.

3) Pot isn't legal here, but it's not really illegal either. It's kind of like getting a traffic ticket, or a monkey DUI. I'm not a pot guy, but if that's your thing I say go for it, and so does the state of California (about the pot, not the monkey).

I don't know this person,
but I think I hate her.

4) People take their dogs with them everywhere they go. Like they're an accessory. Sometimes on a leash, sometimes in a purse. I can't imagine how this can possibly be comfortable for the dog, but then I don't even have plants, so what do I know? Hey ladies, here's a tip: if it shits, it doesn't go in your purse.

5) Avocados are delicious, and ubiquitous. They are the mortar of the food pyramid and I'm pretty sure you consume three or four of them a day just by breathing the air. Advantage: California.

6) Hella. It's as annoying as it sounds (p.s. the kids say 'hecka,' which is hilarious).

7) The weather is pretty nice most of the time, although because of this temperatures in the 50's are considered freezing. This is where any hope of finding common ground with these pot-smoking, avocado-breathing, purse dog carrying, u-turners is out the window. Here's where I'm from:

Vote Yes On Prop: Shut the Hell Up.

*Or maybe they didn't. It looks like some scientists (like the excellently named Rosie Redfield) prefer science to Syence.™ The difference of course is that science involves years of research, experimentation and peer-review and is you know, bo-ring. Syence™on the other hand is simple, easily understandable and brought to you by the people who gave us Sharktopus. If it shakes out that the science is truly bogus and NASA was just trying to drum up much needed $$$ and attention, I'd like to remind them that there are other ways...

NASA:
"Holy crap everybody,
look what we found! Hey,
could we get some
funding over here?"