KEEPIN’ IT SLEAZY – MAY 2014

A quick search on Google for “rules in your sex life” returns a cool 121 million results. The sources of this wealth of advice range from sites devoted exclusively to bagging a husband to WebMD and back to sites for men about picking up women.

I’ve read a countless number of these articles, as I’m sure many others have. We’re inundated with endless societal and cultural forces telling us how to conduct our sex lives. The powers that be have even been kind enough to dissect dictations of appropriate behaviour based on whether we’re single, dating, married, divorced, in an open relationship, cohabitating, in a casual sexual relationship and countless other distinctions.

I am of the apparently controversial opinion that boundaries are learned through experience and reflection rather than self-help books, such as Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, or, All the Rules, a title that conveniently includes a chart (a fucking chart!) of appropriate timelines in which to respond to text messages. How many people have we heard say with calculated exasperation that “they’re soooo sick of (men/women) playing games,” only to explain that they have some kind of arbitrary rule in place for dating within the same breath?

We’re adults, and rules are for games, and thus I propose we dispense with stupid rules and replace them with sensible guidelines. Some examples:

The third date rule. Though it doesn’t always limit itself to three dates, the principle is the same. There is a faction of individuals who refuse to engage in sexual contact until prescribed time limits. What makes this rule so absolutely reprehensible is that it’s never enforced with the intent to ensure that you’re comfortable with someone or that there is a future for your relationship. The real reason people adhere to this rule is to try and force some skewed concept of respect. Nobody wants to date a slut, right? No. Only people with shitty and antiquated values will judge you on your sexual history, so here’s my alternative: move at the pace you’re ready to move. Have a conversation. See if your sexual values line up. However, if you ever end up on a date with someone who says they could never respect a person who put out prior to the nth date, run. Pack up your genitals and go far, far away.

Being the pursuer or letting yourself be pursued. In the rules of sex and dating, there is evidently no middle ground. One party — in heteronormative relationships, the man — is responsible for initiating, well, everything with an air of aloof control. The other party is in turn responsible for coyly awaiting the advances of the dominant individual while feigning indifference rather than agonizing uncertainty. What the actual fuck is this? Think about a relationship. This is an arrangement that under ideal conditions will almost unilaterally be described by the modern man or woman as a partnership. Why shouldn’t a relationship begin in a manner that compliments its development? Stop pissing around and communicate. Discard posturing in favour of honesty, and, for God’s sake, stop letting this hard-to-get bullshit WORK.

There is such a thing as being “good” in bed. One of the greatest myths of our time is that there is a right and a wrong way to perform. I call bullshit. Every set of bits you will ever meet in your lifetime has its own personal preferences, as do the people to which they’re attached. What works for one person will do nothing for another and so you’re going to need to get to know your partners if you want to please your partners. Never assume, don’t hesitate to ask questions and, if something isn’t working for you, say so and offer suggestions. The gateway to good lovin’ is being receptive to the needs of your partner. There is no excuse for bad sex, so ditch your sexual hubris at the door.

There it is — just a few reasons why breaking the so-called “rules” will make your life a hell of a lot easier. Don’t ever forget that respecting each other is more important than respecting procedure — and it’s a hell of a lot more likely to get you laid.