Saturday night Pete took me to an AA meeting and I fucking hated it. I didn’t want to talk in front of all those people and I didn’t want to hear what they had to say. It’s supposed to be helpful to know you’re not alone, or to have the support of people who’ve “been there” but it’s not the way I work. I’m too private to reveal shit about myself, and I’m too empathetic to not be distracted by other people’s troubles, in effect disregarding my own. At break when every single person there chugged decaf coffee and went outside to smoke 5 cigarettes each in 10 minutes, I was accosted by a woman.

She recognized me from the kilt video. wtf.

She said that she suddenly felt weird about it because she had cropped a still of the video in order to use it as her desktop wallpaper. Wallpaper of my dick. wtf.

She felt weird because she hadn’t realized I was so young, basically the age of her son, so she said she’d have to remove the wallpaper. But then she started hitting on me and retracted that statement. That creeped me out, not because she was older, since I’ve been with older, but because she had a son my age, which makes it different somehow. Makes me think of my mother trying to hook up with one of my friends which just seems so wrong. So yeah, after break, Pete and I didn’t go back in. He understood, and today he’s going to help set me up with a counselor who specializes in addictions and substance abuse. I don’t want that either, but I guess I should give it a try.

After we left the meeting, we went to Barnes & Noble. On the way there I called Iona to meet us. She showed up with Shannon. I didn’t know she was going to bring her. We all were just sitting around drinking various bizarre and expensive beverages that yielded stupid names but tasted fucking awesome, and talking. Shannon was discretely flirting with me and giving me sexy looks whenever Iona wasn’t looking. That just got too awkward and annoying for me to tolerate, so I broke at some point.

I said to Iona, “Are you aware that your friend came to my place a week ago specifically to fuck me?”

She said, “What?!”

Shannon said, “That’s bullshit, you’re the one who came to the bed where I was sleeping, in order to fuck me.”

I said, “Really? That’s the story you’re gonna tell?”

Then Iona started crying and Shannon tried to console her by telling her I’m an asshole and a pig and I wasn’t worth it.

I just said, “Fuck this.” And I grabbed my frothy decaf double latte espresso cappuccino caramel honey vanilla triple decker layered flaky mocha pie super big grande coffee or whatever the fuck I was drinking and went out front to have a smoke, figuring Pete would silently slip out behind me, not only because it was awkward, but also because he’s both my ride and my roommate.

When he came out he was like, “why did you say that?” I shrugged and we walked towards the car.

Iona ran out as we were halfway across the parking lot and shouted “Grimm!” That was the first time she ever called me Grimm and not Cowboy, so I knew she was pissed. I stopped and handed Gary Oldman (II) off to Pete, because she doesn’t like screaming girls. Iona approached and started shouting at me and pushing me. Why can girls shove guys around and that’s ok? If I did that to a girl I’d be arrested. But yeah whatever anyway…

She was saying how could I do that to her, she thought I was different than other guys. I was like, “I don’t even know what different from other guys even means. I’m just me.” She was sobbing and hurt and disgusted with me. I had no idea what to say in my defense until I saw Shannon coming. Then I said, “Believe what you want but your friend there is a manipulative little bitch.”

Shannon shouted “Fuck you!” Then she came over and shoved me too. She repeated, “Fuck you, you fucking asshole!”

I said, “Yeah, that’s classy.”

Then she slapped me.

Why can girls slap guys? If I…well you get it, you invisible journal reading people.

So she slapped me and told me I was a pig.

I just said, “Yeah, I’m a pig. And an asshole. I am however you choose to see me. But I know the truth. This is between you two now, because I’m out of the picture.”

Pete tried to get involved at that point to back me up since he was there that night, but I told him not to bother and let’s go. As we walked to the car, we left the girls arguing behind us. As I got in the car I heard Iona cry out, “Grimm! Don’t go! Cowboy!” But I shut the door and we drove away. I didn’t want to leave her like that, but there was no resolving it there with Shannon. They had to have it out without me.

Maybe I am an asshole for doing it the way I did, but I didn’t like the secrecy of it. And I didn’t appreciate the games Shannon was playing. And I didn’t like being in that situation and Shannon finding humor in it. Iona is a nice person and she deserves better friends, not sluts like that. I made a mistake by fucking her, but at least I came around and was honest. And it wasn’t even cheating since Iona and I were openly in a non-committed relationship. It’s just wrong that it was her friend.

Whatever. I don’t even know if Iona was playing games by “testing” me with her “hot” friend like Sharly suggested. If she was, I’m sure she didn’t expect her friend to try and fuck me. Either way, I’m not a fucking game piece. It was all too complicated and juvenile, too much freakin’ drama. I don’t have any room for that shit in my life.

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I remember this one. I’ve been to alanon meetings and ended up people watching–admiring the way one woman did her eyeliner and wore great scarves, judging others for going on and on and on. It’s a weird environment. I think it’s useful but some people never leave it–I’m too much a drifter to stay.

Yeah, it’s an environment that works well for some people, but others have a harder time adjusting to it, like Grimm. Maybe if he got into more of the people watching and didn’t feel obligated to participate, and if he didn’t have the encounter with that woman, he might have given it another chance.