Thor wasn’t going to be worth writing about. Then I found out that numb nuts at Rotten Tomatoes gave this piece of shit 78%. That means it was actually “fresh”. The horror! I didn’t want to write a review because the list of failures in this movie would be too exhausting and a bit trite. The negativity I bring to these reviews is tiring. I blame Rotten Tomatoes for this one – they FORCED me to write this one with that damned rating.

Cast and ActingChris Hemsworth as Thor was a terrible mistake. He must have sucked some dick to get that role. How could he get past any auditions with that silly voice? Why are you talking like that!? You sound like prepubescent boy trying out his “large man” voice in a school production of King Lear. I don’t even know what Thor is supposed to be like in the comics, but I know what bad acting looks like – and Hemsworth displays it without shame. The combination of writing and Hemsworth resulted in an entirely uninteresting hero with weak-ass superpowers.

Thor’s brother, Loki, played by Tom Hiddleston wouldn’t have been so bad, except that some doofus make-up artist decided to make him look like Snape. The evil-brother-role was a little bit over-done with the cancer-pale skin tone and jet black greasy hair – especially in comparison to the brazen golden locks of Thor. Ya make it kinda obvious where the plot is going. Nothing to say about Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, and Kat Dennings – waste of talent on this movie, but they neither made the movie better or worse off.

Story lineNone to speak of. There’s a pathetic love story that’s got no heart, but who watches an action movie for plot? It’s all about the action. So… see below.

ActionAction sequences were awful! He’s got a fucking hammer that he throws! I didn’t even know what superpowers he had – that definitely needed explanation. While he seemed to be pretty strong and had this awesome hammer, he could also generate weather or something? But he couldn’t do shit without that stupid hammer – so lame. THEN, there was this action scene that really drove me nuts.

***** Spoiler Alert! *****

Okay, now that you’ve been warned about the spoiler. Thor almost dies by the backhand slap of a robot. Absolutely no fighting foreplay. Thor just steps up to the robot and tries to persuade the robot with some words. BAM! Backhand slap knocks him off the feet, left to die. Somewhere and somehow, Thor’s heart miraculously changes (like a scene from Beauty and the Beast) and this hammer comes to save him.

Visual Appeal

If the movie has shitty actors, a shitty plot, and shitty action – I would at LEAST think it would have some stunning visual effects. Right? NO! You will get nothing cause this movie is worthless. The ugly CGI hurt my eyes and the costume design was cheesy (again, reminding me of a school play)… $0

I’ve never seen these movies, but they also seem like terrible action movies, so you might like them. Yolkie’s Recommendations:Daredevil
Elektra
Hulk

Side commentary about movies today. While I was on Rotten Tomatoes checking out the rating for Thor, I got a glimpse at the top box office hits in our nation.

O James Ivory! You would have made Ismail Merchant proud! O City of Your Final Destination! What are you about? Nostalgia? Longing? Jealousy? Heartache? Such sad things to ponder among your idyllic settings. What shall I praise first – your expert set and wardrobe design? Your superb cinematography? Your extraordinary cast? I’m out of adjectives. Let’s begin with cast.

O Anthony Hopkins! I was beginning to have such doubt. I saw The Wolfman and I thought, maybe he has Senile Dementia of the Alzheimer type. Maybe he’s throwing in the towel. But you are not demented. You are as ingenious an actor as you always were. There is something a little Hannibal Lecter about this role – I can’t put my finger on it precisely. It’s elegance punctuated by a dark hunger. O you and Hiroyuki Sanada are so precious together.

Laura Linney you are looking glamorous these days! Most movies they put you in a frumpy sweater. They put you in charge of a child or a profoundly retarded adult. Not that you can’t achieve sexiness in that. But usually you’re mom-sexy and not cougar-sexy. Here you’re kind of mean-sexy which is one of my favorite kinds.

O Charlotte Gainsbourg. You’re so charming! Even when you look sleepy and emaciated. I can’t help it – I want you around at dinnertime. I want to feed you.

What else is there to say? Amazing score. Unpredictable humor. Champagne and cigarettes. Bees. You have it all . . . $9

If you heart The City of Your Final Destination:

Recommendations by DJ Cheet
The Last Station
Babette’s Feast
Hirokazu Koreeda’s After Life