Top 10

Top 10 Reasons RPGs Suck

Originally posted September 2000: We decided it was high time to dig up some of the funniest, most controversial content ever published on GameSpy.com and give those of you that missed it the first time around a chance to laugh, cry and spit venom back in our faces. This classic Top 10 list from eight years ago drew so much heat that it's still regularly talked of here at the GameSpy.com headquarters. One thing is for sure; Fragmaster certainly knew a lot about RPGs!

8. Lazy NPCs

RPGs are commonly populated with single-minded people who stand in the same place all day and dispense pretty much useless background information. Don't these people have homes? Lives? Hobbies? Desires? More than two frames of animation?

Here's an example:

Oh yeah? Well, if Pravoka is so friggin' great, what are you doing hanging around this dump? Are you looking to cheat on your wife with the dancer twenty pixels away that is constantly complaining about how evil has descended upon the countryside, causing her scalp to develop a nasty waxy buildup? Why are you here? What is your name? Why are you prancing around in some skimpy red tunic? These are all questions I cannot ask. All I can do is run up to this guy, touch his stomach, and watch him spout the same spiel about how great Pravoka is over and over. LAME!

Also, these lazy bums don't exactly motivate me to save their stinking little town from the forces of darkness. All they do is wander around in patterns all day and bitch about how bad things are. Don't you think at least a couple of them could drag their asses to the sword shop, go outside the city walls, and kill some monsters their own damn selves? Oh no, they'd rather wait around for some "noble warrior" to do all the dirty work for them. And once you do, how do they reward you? They're all like "oh thank ye" and "rock on!" No parades, no payment, no piles of merrywidows. Thanks for the encouragement, kind townspeople. That'll really help numb the pain of the massive sword wound some evil knight inflicted on me for 49 damage points.

7. Quests

Some NPCs do more than just complain about how helpless and pathetic they are. Some NPCs give you quests. Whoopie. This is total bullocks, Guvnah. I mean, I'm already saving your town from this evil sorcerer or whatnot, but now you want me to do your inane little errands for you? "Find my lost golden amulet." "Slay the dragon of the red caves." "Rescue my daughter from the clutches of her Brownie Troop." "Bring back my clothes from the dry cleaners and don't forget to pick up a loaf of bread at the market on your way back."

Yeah, sure, no problem. I love wasting my time servicing your every need when I could be out picking extra constitution points from bushes! Quests are just busywork, like those sheets of crossword puzzles the teacher gives you in Junior High Study Hall to keep you from throwing chairs at the Debate Team or impregnating leftover meatloaf from the previous lunch periods. Quests. Pfah!

The King dishes out yet another pointless quest designed to add another cheesy fifty hours of "gameplay."