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New Year's Eve List

As the new year approaches, it seems like everyone is contractually obligated
to publish at least one end of 2008 list. So here is our humble contribution
to this strange ritual for this year: the top core gamer grievances of 2008.

10. What is with the Wii?

What are all those people doing with all those Wii consoles anyway? There is
no Bloodsport Deathspank 4 deathmatch to play. The Wii is a blight on the
industry because it encourages people to buy what they want at a fair price
and then have fun with it. Consoles should be overpriced and overpowered so
that they can support “high quality” content that will keep gaming in its
proper niche as a vehicle for masturbatory juvenile fantasy.

9. What is with the DS?

Portable systems are all for the kiddies to play on the bus anyway. They just
don’t have the horsepower to run a real game with, ya know, blood.

8. The iPhone will never succeed

It’s like a DS without a d-pad. And that restrictive “app store” will never
attract any audience because that DRM is so draconian. You can’t expect people
to give up their software freedom for a streamlined turnkey application
delivery system. They’d rather maintain their high principles and build
everything from source.

7. The PS3 would sell better if it only had better graphics

Anyone who is serious about games should be willing to pay twice as much for
10% more resolution.

6. DRM is harmless

I don’t understand why all these people bitch and moan about how DRM is
keeping their games from working. I mean, just torrent the game from
thepiratebay after buying it if the copy protection bothers you.

5. Building PCs is cheap and easy

You’re going to buy a Dell? Are you retarded? Dells are crap. You can build
a killer “rig” by buying parts from Newegg and putting them together. It will
save you at least $75, and only takes a few hours to get built, plus a
little bit of time tweaking. If you’re not serious enough to build your own
PC, you’re an idiot and a sucker. PS: Does anyone have a Windows XP license? Vista
keeps crashing on my new rig. PPS: OK, I got XP installed but I keep seeing
lockups in Fallout 3. Maybe I should upgrade my NVidia drivers? PPPS: I
bought a new video card to replace the NVidia. At least I’m not using those
crap integrated graphics. PPPPS: I’m writing this from my girlfriend’s
Macbook. My power supply exploded. Does anyone know whether Newegg charges a
restocking fee?

I can’t believe that they patched the high polygon breasts out of Age of
Conan. I just bought a new double SLI liquid cooled 1GB graphics card so I
could play that game on extra-high detail with the boob physics. Why must the
powers that be oppress us with this kind of censorship?

3. Casual Games are Kiddie

All those casual games are dumbing down the mature core gaming experience.
Instead of a tedious 50 hour epic storyline with 20 hours of filler fetch
quests in the middle they deliver a well executed compact gameplay experience
in 15-minute intervals. And there are no hookers to shoot. And why can’t I
shoot children in Fallout 3? That’s censorship.

2. Lack of Innovation

There is never anything new in AAA titles these days. All we get are the same
old sequels every year, and 2008 was no exception. Also, I hated Dead Space,
Mirror’s Edge and that new Prince of Persia game because EA and Ubisoft
wasted so much time changing stuff that didn’t need to be changed and creating
half-baked gameplay systems that I’m not used to.