Im chasing a young women again, from my fantasies! she is not real! there is a young women in the real world that looks just like her! this women has no interest in me! I can’t seem to tell the difference!

I have to stop chasing after women who have no interest in me! stop fantasizing about them! No more interest! they are cute, this is not good enough! I have to break this or Im going to get broken!

Im afraid of being alone or abandon! but Im alone because I can't come out of this fantasy stuff! I would rather learn how to tell others who I am and go after them and get to know them and talk to them! Im so scared I will be rejected, but Im already rejected.

Im never going to get a relationship this way! these are all the wrong people that are not in reach!

I have been told by many young women; Im the most fascinating person they have ever met! and they were not lying! so! who knows!

I am not at a place of asking risky people out! people that can turn me down by acting stuck on themselves! its to hard on the child in me! its to hard on my ego!

Im have to work on this low self esteem thing. I get all hooked on some girl half my age because she is the only girl around! I have to wake up! Im being used by these people! these young girls don't care who I am! they only think about themselves and there popularity! I don't mean anything to them; they are in there own worlds, not mine! I don't exist to these people! yet, I try n try to get there attention! and nothing really works. Im just giving myself away to be used and abused by manipulators that see a weakling! when will I learn!

and they mean nothing to me! who am I fooling! I don’t know them! and the plan and whole idea is to never know them!

I have to wake up to reality!

I am ashamed to find real women that might put me down for my anger and rage and past, and present helplessness! Ive written women off! I was hoping to find that; “one women” that would understand me! and this is crazy! I would like to believe that Im victimless, but I know better! and Im trying to wake up!

People at the meetings don't count! thats what I have to learn! my ego is on the line! not me! my worth to the outside world is on the line! and Im afraid of being thrown out! but Ive never belonged. Ive been in a dream world and being fooled by the people around me! I need them to survive but don’t think about dating someone half your age, your out on a limb if you think that! sure, I could try but it would be failure! Im not looking to fail or set myself for failure to please my ego of one small possibility in the universe! I have to trust God and let it go!

Ive made other people into Gods that they take care of me! and when I get to close they turn out bad! and I don't want to get to close because they will turn out bad!

I am a person of high personal spiritual status! but you have to dig deep to find it! I don't show anything to anyone! you have to quietly see it or quietly walk away! you have no other choices!

Im spending my time with people that don't see me or value me! Im treated like a piece of meet! Im treated horribly! Im treated worse then this! Im not noticed at all! or liked! Im a thorn in the side to them! when will I finally wake up to this!

I hate it when I think I got it going on in a girls eyes, and I don't have anything going on in a girls eyes! this is ######6 horrible! I fantasize about the person! do I really need to go this far! how about finding someone real that I can talk to that I don't have to fantasize about; how about that! how about some options! never been this far before!