Three hours ago I told my wife of ten years there is a real and distinct possiblility I am gay.

I have kept it buried almost as long as I locked away my CSA. I am not even sure what to call what happened to me. I have been trying on different words like incident and abuse, but they don't fit. CSA seems as good as any.

When I was 11 years old, my best friend in the world, who I had known since the begininng, took away my will to live. He hurt me, he humiliated me, and when he got off, he spit on me.

I can no longer keep this inside, and looking back I now see how bad a job I did trying to make it go away. Drugs and alcohol only worked to cover up the shame, disgust, self loathing, and anger for a short period of time. It just came back stronger.

Finding this site and reading the stories of others has made me to no longer feel alone. Talking about my experience in therapy, has helped, but most of all, having a wife, who has put up with my shit for so long, and who is understanding and non judgmental is unbelievable.

As Mark commented, congratulations on disclosing the turmoil inside you! You did not mention if you told her about the sexual abuse, did you? Disclosure helps a supporter know that there is a struggle, and that there is a place for them in that battle.

There is a condition among CSA survivors known as Same Sex Attraction, or SSA. Some have concluded it is very much apart of their life and other's conclude it is something that needs therapy to explore and come to a conclusion. You will journey through this process, Alden. Meanwhile, know that whatever happens, you will survive.

Please keep sharing, posting and recovering. Oh.., and get some sleep.

Thank you both Mark and Sam. I did tell her about my abuse, and that's why I am in therapy now. It came to an ultimatum. Either I get help or our marriage was over. Her therapist became the first person other than my wife that I told. The therapist led me to this site, and to the therapist I now see.

My wife has been posting on this forum as well, though I am not sure if it is appropriate for me to share her screen name publicly.

She has been unbelievably supportive, the opposite of what I thought would happen.

Jeff, I didn't really want to tell her. It just sort of came out. I'm glad I did, and she has been supportive, but our marriage is different now. We're closer than we have ever been, but there is also a distance between us. We are best friends, and more like roommates than a married couple.

She is pushing me to explore my sexuality, and has given me permission to find a man. I thought that was what I wanted, but it's weird now for me feeling like I have to act on it. The hardest part is feeling like my marriage is over. I miss what our life used to be like.

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.