Chapter 3 – Vampire Disney

Daina wasn’t all together sold on this idea of playing Nancy Drew in a vampire club, but she’d promised her Gran that she wouldn’t let Sookie go by herself to somewhere so potentially dangerous. While Adele Stackhouse was more accepting of others than most, vampires included, she was also fiercely protective of her grandchildren. So her agreeing to tag along was a good compromise for everyone. Everyone even chose to overlook the fake ID she’d be using to get inside, for now at least. There would definitely be a reckoning for that one come next weekend, she was sure of it.

“Ready to go?” They had been sitting in the car in the bar parking lot for a good five minutes while Bill tried to convince Sookie to change her mind. Not both of them, just Sookie. She was fairly certain that if she just jumped out of the car right here and now and walked inside on her own the good southern vampire in the front seat wouldn’t even toss a token protest her direction.

He was the one thing she just knew they would have been better off not bringing along for this little adventure. When they finally got up to the front door, after another small debate about the necessity of doing this in the first place, her thoughts were confirmed. The vampire bouncer just inside the door gave Bill such a look of mischief she just knew it was this womans new mission of the night to fuck with him and them by extension. There was just something about Bill that brought that out in people.

“Bee-hl, haven’t seen you in a while.” And she looked so broken up about it. Bee-hl here must be her favorite-est vampire in the whole wide world. Though the resting bitch face was very impressive to see.

“I’m mainstreaming.” Like she cares. Hell, like anyone cares. She’d known the vampire for like five minutes and even she knew this whole mainstreaming shtick was a crock, judging by the oh really face the blonde vamp was flashing his direction she wasn’t the only one completely unimpressed by the statement.

“Good for you. Who are the dolls? Starting your own little barbie harem?” Eww. Did she look like the type dumb enough to go for a fucked up fossil like Bill here? She hoped her eyes conveyed her distress at the misconception enough because the vomit that just rose into her mouth kept her from making it vocal.

“Pam this is Sookie, Sookie this is Pam.” Apparently she didn’t even rate an intro without prompting. Gentleman her ass. She grabbed her cousins hand before she could offer it, vampires as a whole didn’t seem very touchy feely, and this Pam didn’t seem like the exception to the rule.

“What are you doing? Don’t be rude!” Oh, Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, garden party manners don’t work in dingy nightclubs.

“It’s not rude if vamps don’t touch. Look around a little Sook, don’t just focus on what’s right in front of you. Touching that isn’t sexual seems a bit of a no go here. Even the dancers aren’t touching unless their propositioning their new partners.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” At least her words only seemed to amuse the bitchy blonde. If she was being honest it probably would have amused her too if she worked here night after night. This didn’t seem like the kind of place that saw good manners on the regular.

“Can I see your I.D? Both of you.” The request seemed to throw Sookie for a minute but she rallied, it was probably more the mono-tone of voice than anything that threw her.

“Sure.” She wasn’t worried her I.D was made by the best, she knew it would pass the test and so would she. If only Bill would stop fidgeting.

“I can no longer tell human ages. We must be careful we serve no minors here, in any capacity. Stackhouse huh? Sisters?” She was all but licking her lips at the possibility, not that she would be the first to think about it, but still.

“Cousins.” Short and sweet no reason to take up more of the womans time when the rest of the bar looked so interesting.

She took another quick look at both cards, probably looking for something else to totally creep on, before coming up with another little gem.

“Twenty-five, huh? How sweet it is.” She sounded like she was talking about the vintage of her favorite wine, this whole conversation was getting beyond old and probably wouldn’t have lasted nearly so long if it hadn’t been for Bee-hl.

Without another word, Bill physically moved Sookie into the rest of the bar. Finally!

Looking around at all the different, and not so different, people she began to get just a little bit giddy. Oh, come on! This could not be real! There was no way vampires really behaved this way, not of their own free will. This was a total gimmick, playing up the stereo type, and it seemed to be working very well for all involved. Money, pussy, and drinks of all variety were flowing freely all around. It was still beyond fake though.

“This is like the vamp bar ride at Disney!” Her words made Sookie giggle and agree, but Bill gave her such a look of disgust at her immaturity that she decided to split off from the group and go mingle with the rabble, see what there was to be seen among the masses. Not that she was holding out hope for much, not the way their collective mindset was running. They might remember Maudette and Dawn if they had sex with them, but even that was a very slim might. These just weren’t the types of people to remember a partner after their own orgasm hit.

She’d been wandering around listening to some of the most interesting thoughts. She was just about to hunt down frat boy bitch and explain to him that yes, it is gay if it’s a vampire, when she heard it.

“Where’s my back up, I can’t take down a whole vamp bar by myself.” Uh Oh. Time to get lost.

Moving towards the dais, which seriously who needs a throne in a bar, where she saw Sookie, Bill, the tiny blonde sarcasm bomb from the front door, and… woah mama! Okay, now was not the time to be getting distracted by the hottie with the body, now was the time for saving ones own ass. She could not be caught up in a raid, her I.D. was good, but it wasn’t that good. Coming up behind Sookie she interrupted what was shaping up to be a good threat session.

“Sook, it’s time to vamoose. There’s –“ She never got any further in her explanation before Bill oh so helpfully cut her off. Rude much!

“Pardon the interruption Sheriff, this is my humans cousin, and as you can see her youth does not lend itself to proper manners.”

Now normally an insult like that would have her tossing her hands in the air in frustration and leaving them all the face the sweet, sweet sirens call of the Shreveport Police Department all by their lonesome; especially since her dear mannerly cousin wasn’t sticking up for her in the slightest, but she had promised Gran god damn it all and come hell or high water she would be delivering Sookie back to the old homestead safe, sound, and arrest record free. So help her God!

“Wow Bill, you know for someone who’s forever young you do an amazing impression of a crotchety old man. All you need now is a cane you can shake at all the youngsters that walk on your lawn. Now if we’re done with this little back and forth, it’s time to go. Now.” When Sookie looked over to Bill, as though asking his opinion on what to do next, that was when shit really hit the fan and she decided to do something she didn’t normally do, for anyone. Explain.

“Damn it Sook, you know me! If this wasn’t an emergency I would have come to find you, seen the man candy, sat down politely without really breaking the flow of conversation. There would have been some subtle, then not so subtle eye-fucking, I would have thanked god that the Discovery Channel hadn’t lied to me about the sex appeal of blonde Viking guys, before checking to see if you had first dibs while quickly running through all of my flirty one liners to pick the one that would work best to get his attention off of business and on to me. When you inevitably gave me the silent and slightly scandalized go ahead, I would have looked back at you in thanks saw you sitting so prim and stiff with the fossilized viagroid next to you, and quickly decided to cede the playing field to you using my opening to bring his attention to your assets and vice versa hoping against hope that you would buy a ticket on that ride so that you could finally tell Billy boy here where to shove his holier than thou attitude. Did I do any of those things?” She knew she’d managed to amuse both club vamps with her version of future events, and while that was air punch worthy it wasn’t really the point of the entire rant. Crossing her arms she waited for her newly dim witted cousin to find her voice and put it to good use by answering her damn question.

“No.”

“Then get up and get to the god damn car! I will do a lot of things for you Sook, but going to jail ain’t one of them and the cops coming to raid this place are coming up fast and we need to not be here when they pull up.” The mention of the cops got everyone’s attention but more than that it finally got Sookie to stand the fuck up, halleluiah. Finally they could get out of here, with or without the fossil they brought with them.

A/N – So that’s a look at how the first visit to Fangtasia could have gone if Daina had tagged along, I have two other one-shots along this general theme I’ll get to later, but first let me know what you think of this one.