As I look out upon Bristo Square,the purple cow again living amongst us, with London and his wife soon to arrive, the Americans,overfed, overpaid and over here. I overhear a lady in the table adjacent complaining that Kindles don't come in colours.So use this thread to list the evils of banality that has likely just asked you if anyone is sitting in the empty chair next to you.

As a headstarter, here's a few lifted from the lyrics of Half Man Half Biscuit

‘﻿Dream therapists Is your lucky number seven By any chance?’

‘﻿And oh oh-oh-oh, here’s the bottom line I’ll not be taken on board at this present moment in time’

‘They went up in a hot air balloon They declared their love in a hot air balloon Yeah, they drank champagne in a hot air balloon And had a row on New Year’s Eve’

' They’ve got nothing but total respect for Annie Lennox’

‘And if I’d known they were coming, I’d have slashed me wrists’

‘﻿Ask her what perfume she wears “Self-Righteous” by Anita Roddick’

‘﻿Dropkick the improv workshop mimeshow gobshite Out on to the sandbank and then send in the clowns’

‘﻿A woman who described herself as “A little bit Bridget, a little bit Ally, a little bit Sex And The City” and chose to call her baby boy Fred as a childishly rebellious attempt at a clever reaction to those who might have expected her to call him Julian or Rupert. Bit of advice: call him Rupert, it fits, and besides it’s a good name. Don’t be calling him Fred or Archie, with all its cheeky but lovable working class scamp connotations, unless you really do have plans for him to spend his life in William Hill’s waiting for them to weigh in at Newton Abbot.’

‘﻿A man from the record company who said that George Michael continues to challenge social taboos through his music’

‘j﻿ournalists who try to spell an interviewee’s laugh’

‘﻿I’m going to be apprehended by some mandatory galoot with a handheld camera Who will point it in my face and say: “Who are you, and what do you do?” And I’ll say “I’m a counterblast to Agnosticism, how do you do” And he’ll go away immediately’

"Hello...""Hey there. I. I. Tonight. Yeah. Can I have some camels?""I don't have camels but if you like animals I can get you giraffes, would you like some?""What's your name?""Not important but I can get you Seven Giraffes, would you be interested in that?""Yes, give me the giraffes."

30 min later, same guy"Hey, hello, I want Seven Camels.""Alright. But it's £3,70 and you only have £1,50 in there.""What do I need?""I can get you a car for only £1 more.""Ok. OK. Ok, give me a second."

Just wondered. People have been trying to take my beer off me for years, it never worked. Usually I just tell them to fuck off,, and then leave the premises before either they call the cops or a hippie comes along and gives me a lecture on how to behave.

Sorry I missed the ukelele night tonight, I wanted to come along for that for a number of reasons. I loved the music I heard at the party I went to, back in the days.

It's still up in the air whether I turn up some night sporadically to "The Forest" before it all ends I just haven't felt like it for a while, and there are number of other reasons for that, mainly I'd just rather sit at home and listen to some music or watch a film.

LIke I said before, wether permitting, there are forests much closer to here where I can go and relax and get drunk without anyone particularly bothering me

If i don't see you this month then maybe I'll see you in your next incarnation

Some nights I'm just really tired and people come up with the weirdest things.

Holding a falafel meal and a menu:"I have a complaint.""Tell me."

Points to the menu:"It says in here three giant falafel balls.""Yes.""Well. Look at these.""Yes.""I paid for this because it said giant in here and these are not giant.""Yes. I'm sorry but that's as giant as it gets in here.""Well...""Yes.""Well.""I'm sorry - I can't give you your money back for semantics but if you want I can put some more hummus or extra salad in there.""Can you put more falaf-""No.""Well.""Would you like some extra salad in there? Hummus?"

This was a good one, with a guy who was causing a lot of trouble several nights in a row:

- "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave."- "But I'm Jewish!

Then later, I was very pleased with this:

- "I'm afraid if you continue to stay here and if I continue to feel that you're being aggressive towards me, I'm going to have to call the police. I really hate doing that, but I'm going to have to."- "Yeah! Call the police! You Nazi! That's what Nazis do, call the police!"- "No, Nazis call the Gestapo."