The DNC will also have a mystery. They'll make up their own Clue-like game called Who Killed the Economy? All the suspect cards are of George Bush. All the weapon cards are of oil barrels. All the room cards are of Wall Street. The winner receives a free abortion or Obamacare waiver.

a hologram of MLK Jr. saying "I had a dream..." and immediately Obama will burst onto the stage sweating profusely and letting out a big WHEW!!!! Who let that crazy dude in here. And the crowd goes wild.

Not to be one-upped by the Republicans, the DNC will also have a mystery guest: Trixie Claus. This former porn star will ride around the convention in a flying bed pulled by donkeys, while wearing a red thing trimmed with white fur,and little else. On her trip around the arena, she will be tossing condoms, lubes and lotions to all the bad little boys and girls in attendance.

Afterwards, she will posted at a booth on the concourse where she will have a doctor available to hand out free Ortho-Novum prescriptions, as well as vouchers good for a bring-a-friend-buy-one-get-one-free abortions good at any Planned Parenthood in the nation. And if you can't afford to buy one, well, the Federal Government will buy it for you.

Post-convention, Trixie Claus will be hanging out with former President Bill Clinton, who will be bringing his own "Mystery Guest" along, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.