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Two Smudde siblings. One blog. No apologies.

A Guide to Ferret Terminology

I can’t imagine how hard it would be to write and run a tabletop campaign. Yes, I consider myself a decent fiction writer, but I can’t imagine how hard it would be to INVOLVE my audience in the actual execution of the story. There is a huge difference between writing your story and letting the audience experience it and actually letting your audience decide how the story goes, which is basically what a tabletop game is. That would be so incredibly frustrating. As a tabletop gamer, I really, really appreciate every GM I have ever had. You guys rock!

To shift gears a little bit, Daniel, this week you found out you would be able to come visit me in March. I am so incredibly pumped! I can’t wait to see you and just hang out with you. Man, nothing like adulthood and over 300 miles distance to make me really appreciate my siblings.

And, of course, when you visit you will also be visiting my four ferrets, Bandito, Crush, Fijit, and Herman. Well, to help prepare you for your visit I thought I would write a handy little terminology guide.

Here are just a few terms you will hear tossed around the Smudde household:

Small Business: a group of ferrets is called a business and so our little clan is lovingly called the the small business. We also call them our start-up business and our portfolio.

Catsnakes: another term for ferret, derived from their cat-like features and lack of spine.

Wigglefloofs: another term for ferret, derived from their fuzziness and lack of spine.

Carpet Sharks: another term for ferret, derived from their penchant to sneak around and bite things, like ankles and toes. We also call them couch sharks, blanket sharks, and fuck faces.

Dook: the small grunting noise ferrets make when they’re excited or feeling playful. Have you ever read something mildly funny and chuckled without really opening your mouth? That’s basically what it sounds like.

War Dance: when ferrets are feeling playful, they bounce around. It’s like a dance, but without any sort of grace or coordination.

Sneaky Pancake: when you sneak up on a ferret their first instinct is to lay flat on their bellies because they think our vision is based on movement. It also helps them blend in to their surroundings, but it doesn’t really work when the ferret in question is dark brown and laying on the white linoleum.

Retreat: other times when you sneak up on a ferret they panic and back up, but without taking their eyes of you. We’ll often yell out “retreat!” when they do this or just start making beeping noises at them until they disappear.

Sharking: when ferrets are chasing each other or are chasing you, they’ll open their mouth and just touch their teeth to each other. We call it sharking because they’re basically exploring with their teeth, but without the blood loss or surfboard damage.

Offended their Honor: sometimes, without warning, a ferret will burst into a war dance and just bolt, even when you’ve done nothing to provoke them. They do this because, somehow, you have offended their mother or something and now feel the need to fight something.

Ferret Train: if one ferret is running, they all have to run. They run in straight lines to conceal their numbers, of course.

Stashing: anything and everything in our apartment belongs to our ferrets and to make sure we know this they will collect things and hide them. This collection is called a stash and we have found rubber bands, ferret toys, bracelets, pens, crochet hooks, and the television remote in the stash.

Vacuuming: our ferrets, especially Bandito, love eating and they especially love eating the food off the floor. We call this vacuuming.

Fijit Frimbocket: Fijit’s full name. She was named after a Pathfinder character.

Dude Crush: Crush’s full name. We also call him Crush n’ Stuff and the Crushinator, but you have to say Crushinator like he’s a pro wrestler.

Blood Bag: another name for Herman and it’s all your fault, Daniel. I also call him Max and Herman the German after a character from Scrubs. His real name is Herman Munster.

So, there you have it Daniel. Some terms to remember when you come visit the Smudde household in March.