I Will Leave You (And I Will Never Look Back)

This time I won’t just stop at my words. This time I will leave you for good. Without tears running down on my face, without remorse and without feeling that I am losing something important. I will leave you because I have had enough of you. I don’t want to be treated like this because this kind of treatment is not something that I deserve. I don’t deserve to be gaslighted, belittled and called names. I don’t deserve seeing another woman’s arms around your neck while I am sitting next to you.

But of course, you don’t know that. You can’t see that you are hurting me with your actions and your words. And to be honest, I don’t know why I am still with you. I don’t know why I am putting up with your crap. Deep down I know that you will never change but I still stay with you. For some reason, I don’t know how to walk away from you. Maybe it is because I got used to you because I don’t know anything better than your toxic love or maybe because you convinced me that I am broken and that nobody will love me like you. Well, if I have a chance to choose, I would rather stay alone than spend my life with you.

Because truth to be told, you really don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve my kisses and hugs, my worrying if you are okay when you are late nor my respect and support. I won’t let you make me stay every time you feel like I am slipping away. I won’t listen to your compliments and your sweet words anymore. They are not something that you really mean but something that you use as a weapon to make me stay. I know that I was a fool for sticking with you for such a long time but I finally decided that I will leave you and make my own path. I know that life prepared so many nice surprises for me and I won’t just sit here and watch my life passing by.

I will stand up for myself. I will start doing things that make me happy and forget about those that make you happy. I will finally get rid of your toxic hands around my waist every time when you try to win me back. I won’t tolerate belittling, gaslighting, name calling and abusing. I don’t want to pretend that I am happy with you when we are in public but going through living hell behind closed doors. That is not life; this is agony and I don’t want to do it anymore. You are not worthy of me and you are definitely not worthy of my love as well.

Now, after so many years of emotional and physical abuse, I am ready to move on. I am ready to find my way, far away from you. My heart is pure and I know that I did all in my power to save what we had. But I can’t be the only one trying. If you want to be with me, you also need to make some effort, too. Because it takes two to tango and it looks like I am the only one trying to make this work. So, I am leaving you. I am walking away because my voice never has been heard in this relationship. Every time I wanted to talk to you, you gave me the silent treatment.

Every time I wanted to spend time with you, you chose your friends over me, telling me that I wasn’t interesting to you at all. Every time I reached out my hands to hug you, you escaped like you don’t feel anything for me anymore. And that hurts. It really does. So, when I get enough courage and leave you, don’t try to seek me anymore. Even if you find me and tell me that you will change, admitting that you were a fool for letting me go, I will just smile to your face and leave you in wonder. And in that moment, you will get to know the real me. Because truth to be told, you didn’t actually know me all these years that I spent with you.

You didn’t know what I am capable of doing. Too bad that you will find out about that in the worst possible way. When I leave you, your whole world will fall apart. You won’t be able to listen to my voice in the early morning asking you if you want some coffee. You won’t be able to sleep next to me and hug me in your dreams. You won’t be able to make love with me, crying on my shoulder when everyone leaves you nor enjoying my company. When I leave, you will finally see that you lost the girl who actually wanted to be yours. I just realized that I was part of a wrong story the whole time and I decided to leave. And the only time I will look back will be to see how far I have come.

I started writing just as a hobby, but in the end, I decided that it is something that fulfills me. I find inspiration in life’s everyday problems and every article that I write tells something about my past. In this way, I want to tell women all around the world that even though we are miles away, our pain makes us close. My articles were written to comfort those who need it the most and to tell them that they are not alone. I am a full-time mom, and I like spending time with my son, good people, sunny days and beer.