Day 22- Self-Consciousness

When I was 12 years old, two boys noticed the three fuzzy moles on the side of my face. They then proceeded to call me “moley, moley, moley” for the next few weeks of my life.

These moles were something that I had never thought about until they were pointed out to me. And since, they have become the thing that I am probably the most self-conscious about on my body. I have done extensive research over the years into getting them removed, and the only thing that has stopped me is the worry that a scar will look even worse.

When I initially thought about cutting my hair, it was the idea of having these moles on show that really terrified me. Ultimately, I knew that my hair would grow back. But I knew that there would be no hiding the moles if my hair was gone. The night before I went to get my hair cut it was this worry that kept me awake.

So when my friends who were visiting this weekend asked if having more of my face on show had made me more self-conscious, I was surprised when I answered no. I realised that I had definitely not thought about my moles, or my face for that matter, any more than I would consider normal. That realisation has been an incredible one. It proves to me that my self-confidence has clearly already grown, and that self-consciousness can be overcome. That is amazing. Stepping outside of my comfort zone has proved to me that I am stronger than I realised, and that I am capable of personal growth. It has made this whole journey worth it already. In learning to judge others less, I have learnt to judge myself less.

I am self-conscious about so much, including the fact that I’m a Christian. I’m self-conscious because I know that people will approach me with assumptions about what that means, similar to the assumption that I have talked about being associated with hair. But I think that the key to not being self-conscious is closely linked to the key of not being jealous-contentment. Contentment with how I look, contentment with how I’m perceived though working to break down my own assumptions of others, and assurance in what I believe.