Leicester City Council 'unprepared for many unlikely apocalyptic scenarios'

There was consternation in the East Midlands as people woke to the news that Leicester City Council was entirely unprepared for an invasion of zombies.

"We're very sorry that we haven't prepared for a zombie invasion", said council spokesperson Zaheeda Khan, "but in fairness, we have been practicing with a bunch of stumbling brainless morons most Friday and Saturday nights, and with the return of Birmingham City to the Championship, we'll get so much practice that real zombies will be no match for us"

Leicester City Council shocked their council taxpayers when they admitted that they were unprepared for a whole host of unlikely disasters including direct asteroid strike on the Walkers Stadium leading to a postponing of several home games, a supervolcanic explosion in West Dudley causing the skies above Leicester to darken and the streets filled with 20 feet of choking ash leading to queues to the off-licenses, polar bear attacks caused by global warming forcing them out of the Arctic Circle hotly pursued by hungry Eskimos, and kamikaze attacks by deranged Japanese woodpeckers carrying neutron bombs on each leg.

"It really is appalling in this day and age", said local goal-hanger-turned-crisp-salesman, Gary Lineker, "that after endless public information films like 'Deep Impact', 'Krakatoa East of Java' and 'Shaun of the Dead', our council hasn't put in sufficient resources to counter these unlikely threats while continuing to fritter them away on housing, education, police and road repairs. I mean, what if the Walkers factory turned out to be the source of Ebola infection that strikes down most of Europe? Will the Council tell me what happens to my luxury lifestyle then?"

But what about the issues of public order and street violence should Leicester City get promoted to the Premier League?

"Nah", said Lineker and Khan, both laughing hysterically, "now you're just being silly"