My wife is disabled. Much of the time, there isn't enough space between the pain and drugged insensibility for loving sex. This blog is a diary of our journey. Or just a place to shout. This will not likely entertain you. For that, see my links.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Another "solution" to the problem...

Dutch fellow who reads Regina Lynn's "Sex Drive" mailing list is in a similar situation to mine, but instead his wife is suffering from the effects of a childhood sexual trauma.

He wrote:

Ok I read through all your people's responses, I discussed it with my wife (she really didn't like some responses) and stewed over it for a while.

Lemme make several observations that will no doubt complicate the whole issue...

1. Several years I stimulated my wife, (a) in order to complement *her* income and (b) assert *her* sexuality and (c) get her to not be affraid of men to start dabbling in BDSM. She is now one of the first and foremost Dominatrices in the area. While her (occasional/few) clients realize they won't get an inch of sexuality or eroticism from her she gives extremely brutal dominance, she gets paid, she learns a lot about men and the human body and bloody hell - since she start doing this she sure knows how to beat the living daylights out of any man who annoy her. Incidentially, yesterday, and I am not exaggerating, she broke someone's knee, ripped his face with her nails so it is very likely he be needing stitches, all after grabbing his nuts and applying maximum pressure. In the tram over here the guy was standing behind her and was softly riding her ass. She warned him once.

This is heartwarming to me, brings a smile to my face. I would have loved to see the guy at a police station, his face literally bleeding, trying to explain what happened. Or the same to his wife, if he had any.

2. My wife is not just some wife. She is not sitting at home doing the potatoes. She is goth-punk, mean as hell, trained as ballet dancer at the royal conservatory. The fact that her brother had his dick in her from her age 6 to age 13, plus she was raped 3 days at gunpoint at age 16, caused her -understandably- to abandon sex. Oh when I first met her we did it. Our favorite was anal sex. She fucked me and I fucked her so we had few inhibitions, rather far-out fantasies and desires. Suffice to say we are not just average people. Most dictums about marriage, everlasting crap, cultural norms et al do not apply to us.

3. Up till this point I haven't had sex in almost two years. In the time I am married I have not had sex with another woman. I gave a friend a blowjob once but she has NO problem with that particular choice (she is a fag hag). Whereas a blowjob is nice play with a nice and clean guy, it doesn't get me off. Homosexual interaction is something else, something additive, but it does not arouse me emotionally or sexually up to the level it sates my innermost desires. As such my wife, so far, can consider me chaste, loyal and observant of whatever matrimonial vows.

I need to add that at the time we married, we were accompanied by two guys (HER wedding gift from her friends) in semi-drag dressed as Marilyn Manson and Twiggy (for those who know them...). Imagine a quiet suburb, across a church built in the 1200s we being pummeled with garlic on a monemental graveyard older than the united states.

4. After 2 years of living with her I knew something wasn't wrong. It took another few years before she conquered her dissociative disorder before she could tell me about what her brother did. However by 1998 I was stumbling in my life and feelings and was falling into severe depression. The fact that I had a really sexy woman with me all day that didn't show a pinch of sexual desire was a really big part in this. I desintegrated steadily into a worse state, moving to effexor by 2001.

However late 2003 I quit all the meds. THAT was a nightmare, quitting effexor. This year I started bodybuilding again (with my wife) and well, that woke me up. My desire has flooded back explosively. Suffice to say by now I think antidepressants did NOTHING for me. Ruined my life for several years.

Ok, now, after several years or steadily diminishing sexuality, spectacularly increased (but steadily more unfulfilling masturbation) I have had enough. I have had enough for a frew years now, but after stumbling into several fantasies of mine (including one about being a female prostitute) in the online game of Second Life, I felt such an invigorating revivance of my sexuality I knew what I wanted for damn sure.

Now I understand this is one complex picture. But it isn't the entire picture. I love my wife. I don't want to leave her. I am closer to her than any relationship I know off, and I know that for sure. All our friends say this is poetry, apart from the scars that make things difficult between us. We are almost telepathic.

But a human soul can only take so much. She knows the day is coming closer that I come home and my face will tell the tale immediately. I will have fucked another woman that day. She knows this will happen. I am not really looking for it to actively, besides, I am really picky when it comes to women, so It can be a few months before it happens. But eventually it will happen.

And then comes the risk. Will it be a girl or woman who makes me cum, say, once a month and I have some level of simple animal fun with? OR will it be a crushing love affair, with HER making demands, ME feeling love and attachment and all that imminent trouble? I honestly don't know. I can't imagine anyone wants a relationship with someone like me (a real honest weirdo) whereas I can imagine some woman wants me for a fuck once or twice a month.

But it can go horribly wrong. Not likely. But it can.

Problem is, my wife is lovestruck with me. Every day. She loves me, I love her. She needs me, in many ways. I cannot leave her, even if I wanted to. I cannot imagine it any other way. And I don't even wanna start about monetary considerations. If either us leaves the other it would mean one living as homeless person. Such is our socio- economic situation. And me OR her having to live as a homeless person would be DEADLY because of either (mine and hers) health situation. So basicly if one of us would leave, run off, it would be deadly almost certainly. So for me to just go and have a divorce, leave (etc) is no solution.

After all this story people will consider it kinda weird she is incapable of sexual desires for me, but she has none. I am absolutely certain by now I lost mine. Sex is not a part of the story any more. And we are far, far beyond the point of sillyness like therapy. NO therapy.

Oh will she freak out when that day I tell her? Ys hon, it happened? Part of her might become so crazy she kills someone. She is that way.

NO easy solutions anywhere in sight.

Now I don't agree with Marcus's solution to the "problem", that is, to seek a sexual partner outside of his marriage, but I agree that there is no easy solution.

For one thing, we haven't given up on medical treatment for her condition, and I haven't given up on a sex life with my wife. Also, if my wife ever had the slightest reason to think I was seeking sexual gratification elsewhere, well... it wouldn't be pretty.