…because life is funny.

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Some Things Can Wait

Let’s get past the obvious. Posting someone’s voicemail is completely foul and a violation of all things good and decent [like bunny rabbits and furry kittens].

So noted.

Next.

Yes, that was Ben-who-inspires-bitchy-blogs, Ben. The phone call was inevitable. That is how cray cray people operate. They leave bread crumbs of nonsense behind sothey have a reason to talk to you.

Once a contractor came to my house to give me an estimate for a new bathroom. He graciously offered to do it for 3 times the price – because having a vajayjay to contractor is synonymous with the word “stupid.”

“Nah. I need to think about it – but I am pretty sure I’ll pass,” I told him.

Just for the record, when someone says – “Nah. I’ll think about it” that means suck it.

And “I’ll pass” definitely means eat me.

I mean – honestly. What is wrong with muggles? At some point, everyone has the responsibility to pick up on social queues. It’s not everybody’s job to figure things out for you. This makes my blood boil.

“But I’ve invested so much time [talking to me],” he bemoaned. [Ugh. This is the hard sell. Time for him to go. Like now.] I am ushering him out the door like I am herding a really stupid cow. And he is moving as slowly as a dumb cow will move.

“Oh, let me leave a mix tape. I’ll come back and get it in a few days – after you’ve made a decision,” he says in desperation.

Right.

First, what the uck-fay is a mix tape? Seriously, dude. [Hello again 1980.]

Second, if you don’t get off of my property I will hit you with a shovel.

SleazyContractorDude was the impetus for the Take Your it-Shay With You rule, ie, when you leave my house take all of your it-shay with you.

Back to your house.

Where all of your stuff lives.

The only people who can leave/forget stuff are my 6-year-old, niece and 9-year-old nephew [because they are completely adorable]. Once my niece left behind these teeny tiny purple flip flops. I could fit her whole flip flop in the palm of my hand. See? Adorable.

[Note to self: My niece has appropriately small feet or I have ginormous hands. Hm… ]

Anyway, cray cray people – in this case I mean manipulative people – have a language [that they all learn on their little spaceship].

Having been reared by a complete lunatic, for some reason, I am fluent in cray cray. Let me just divulge a few secrets:

If they leave something behind – it means they want to come back [like the SleazyContractorDude tried to…]

“No” actually means – say it again. The purpose is get you to say no until you get tired and exhale a begrudging yes.

They repeat the thing they want. For example, Ben… Did you get the tickets? I sent the tickets, but you can keep the tickets. I am just checking to see if you got the tickets. Tickets. Tickets. Tickets. It’s like brainwashing.

I would have sent him back the stupid tickets, but that would require me drive to the Bermuda Triangle where time and space stops – the post office. People go in, but they never friggin’ come out. It’s spooky. And annoying. And a waste of time that I could use surfing the net at work [I mean “working.”]

It was just easier to give the tickets-tickets-tickets away to a stranger at work-work-work. She was so happy. It was like I gave her a small island where a naked, fully-erect, and willing Denzel Washington was waiting for her.

Call Ben and set him straight – again?

As if.

Here is the problem. It will fully put into motion cray cray rule #4 – emotional manipulation. [Manipulation is the new black.] “I feel this…” and “I feel that…” he will say and on and on. How I feel is irrelevant? This is all about guilt trips, etc. – and for some reason – if you have a vajayjay, people think you give an it-shay about everyone’s feelings [in between baking stuff, knitting doilies and thinking about your ovaries].

[Question: Doesn’t Ben sound so normal? Even sane?]

Amazing, no?

But don’t fall of the okey doke.

A person is a serious whack job if they are pining over someone they went on one date for 2 years. Let me go over the math again – one date, TWO years ago.

If I weren’t so bored by him – and happy for the blogging material, it would be kind of pitiful – in a sad puppy way. And everyone knows making puppies sad is bad.

I feel the need for a PSA – Public Service Announcement.

It works like this.

If you go on a date and the person doesn’t call you it means they do not want to talk to you. It’s not rocket science. And yes, it took me years, decades to figure that out [I am easily distracted and mostly oblivious].

Also, the following excuses are out-of-date so don’t listen to them. They also translate into go away [now and forever]:

I lost your number.

I lost my phone.

I was on vacation.

My dog ate your number.

I was busy.

None of this nonsense is even possible anymore. There have never been more ways to contact a person. Google. Cell. Email. Texting. Facebook. I can put my name in a Google search and the following comes up: my name, number, age, address, an aerial view of my house and how much I paid for it.

See? I am very reachable [which really pisses the introvert in me off].

Again, if someone is not talking to you – it’s because they don’t want to. That’s all. Watch a Meg Ryan movie. Eat some ice cream. Buy crap you don’t need at Target. Have Amazon ship a new vibrator to your house in one of those super secret, hermetically-sealed boxes – and get on with life [BEN!]

I am pretty sure Jimmy Hoffa is in some vibrator box somewhere. I have just never seen the contents of a box that contains a vibrator so vigorously concealed.

Anyway, enough about Ben. I am blocking his number. The end. Right?

I promised my friends I would tell them why I moved my blog. Honestly, it just seemed a little hypocritical to have a blog on a weight loss site when I have nothing to say about weight loss. I explain it a little more in the About section, but I stopped blogging about weight loss at least 1 year ago.

I am more interested in talking about the emotional journey of life – and the absurdity of it all. And the fun and yummy bits.

I don’t give a shit about scales or lamenting an extra cookie. I have never felt so complete in that way [thanks to your support].

I do love reading my friends stories, so I will continue to spent an inordinate amount of time doing just that – and sparking.

Also, I will finally buckle down and write my book. I have already started sorting through the quagmire. And I am fully aware the whole book thing was your idea – it certainly wasn’t mine [I am just far too lazy.]

Did you know there are people who write a thousand words a day? A THOUSAND.

[Question: What the uck-fay is that all about?]

I can’t even remember to take out my recycling – every 2 weeks. [Yes, I have 14 days to remember – and I don’t.]

So that’s what I am doing. I surely hope you come and subscribe and chat with me here because I would miss you dearly.

Let’s review:

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Like or dislike [if you dislike me, do so vigorously. That’s just so sweet…]

Because I think I’m gonna vomit. [No pressure. M’kay?]

I still don’t know how everything works here. I think I have to do a Facebook thingie. UGH! I hate having too many accounts to check.

Every time I log on to Facebook to sign up – I want stab my leg with a fork.

So I asked some folks at work, why they Facebook [is that a verb yet?]

“Oh, I get to check in on people I haven’t seen in ages – like high school,” my boss, Fairwings said. [Eh. I didn’t even want to engage with people in high school when I was in high school.]

“Oh, and to keep in touch with family,” she continued.

Right.

Why in the name of RuPaul and all things holy would I care about that?! OHTTN [Oh, hell to the no.] This is exactly why Mother Earth created awesome things like “distance” and “other states” and “other people” – for that matter.

Ben. They need to teach this in junior high if not sooner. The first rule of dating which applies even after the first date: It is OK to ask someone out, but if they say no then it is up to that person to suggest a specific alternative. If that does not happen then move on without looking back. Period.

I totally agree. I would’ve appreciated a dating handbook as well – but it would probably be the size of small planet. There are general common sense rules like the one you stated so eloquently above. But the confusion occurs with the different variables – I mean people – for which they need tweaking, or even worse, a complete overhaul. Just typing about dating is stressful, unless I am telling a funny story. Thanks for stopping by and reading this durn blog from the beginning. Wow. That’s chez awesomesauce. Cheers.

I believe this is what you were born to do… not chase away Y-chromosonally impaired human beings… but comment on life as you see it. I know Spark was part of the sneaky path that lead you into a place you never expected to be… a public forum about private events… but I honestly believe this is the only way the world gets to peek inside your marvelous head while buffering your introverted nature. Well done, you! It gives me great satisfaction to know that sometimes paying attention to the “woman” behind the curtain does, in fact, produce a wizard of the highest order! Congrats and can’t wait to see the book, no pressure, just anticipation… the aroma of chocolate while the cake bakes… yummmmm.

I haven’t been on spark in a while but I would peak in periodically and read you and a couple of other’s blogs. I agree with “Annasbf” you are a wizard & I certainly love your blogs, it’s how your word things & it makes sense. You’re definitely relateable & thanks for sharing your experiences with me & the world.

Alas, together again :) Not to worry, I think at least I am writing more frequently – at least for me, which is better than my usual 3-month turnaround. I’d say that’s a step in the right direction :) Thanks for coming along for the ride. Hugs.