A warm welcomeOffer warm greetings with a genuine smile and thank them for sparing the time to see you. Check this is the right time for them and be mindful of potential interruptions and distractions. Be considerate of their comfort and the environment / surroundings.

Offer a structure for the meeting
We like the 3Ps framework: “Purpose, Process, Payoff”, which might sound something like this: “We need to talk about what happened on Monday (purpose). I really want to hear your opinion as to what happened, and I would like to share mine (process). Hopefully by the end of the conversation, we will have agreed what we can do to resolve the situation to both our satisfaction (payoff).”

Seek first to understand and then be understoodGather as many facts as you can before sharing your opinions. The other party will probably be grateful for the chance to speak first and at length if it’s an issue they have been troubled by. You could prepare some short focused questions to help the other person give you the full picture from their point of view. Start with open questions and make brief notes (if they don’t mind) of aspects you wish to explore further. Use ‘funnelling’ to explore these topics. Probe gently to make sure you have the pertinent facts.

Remember TED as a tool for clarifying and seeking further information (Tell me…, Explain…, Describe…).

Fair air-time?
Are you doing too much talking? Check in and ask an open question and really listen to what they’re saying. Be ready to summarise and ‘playback’ what you have heard to demonstrate your understanding.

Respect silence
It can often be very powerful to leave a long pause for thought, and it can be damaging to interrupt someone’s train of thought if the matter is of consequence to them.

Show what cards you can
Promote trust through your body language, for example by keeping your hands visible, relaxed and open. Clenched or hidden hands can send the wrong message and subconsciously provoke adverse reactions.

Listen to the other view
Ask for the other party’s proposed solutions to the situation before stating your own. Having considered both the benefits and consequences of your proposed solutions from both your points of view before the conversation, seek a chance to cover these off during the conversation, and check for consensus on this. If you need to offer feedback, the AID model (and its implied principle of being helpful to the other party) is a useful one: What Action have you seen or heard? What Impact did / will it have? What would you therefore like the other person to do in consequence (Desired behaviour)?

Finally, if you need to offer explanations of your rationale, structure the explanation around three points. Any more and they are more likely to be misremembered.

Be ‘future-focused’Talk about events of the past, the present business of rectification, and a more positive future.

Thank them for their time
Acknowledge any effort you have seen them make towards a positive outcome, and for any honesty and candour you recognised.

Buy yourself time
If you need to reflect on an outcome, meet again to discuss it. Agree the next steps clearly and repeat or summarise any agreed actions before you part.

If you would like to know more about handling difficult conversations, join us on our Introduction to Head of Department programme. Find out more: www.lfhe.ac.uk/ihod

Leading Roles comprises of Sharon Paterson, Mike Rogers and Paul Hessey. Sharon is an associate director culture and engagement at MIMA and Teesside University. Mike is a coach, roleplayer and facilitator for several consultancies in the arena of effective communications and leadership development. Paul Hessey is a leadership, management and communication skills expert who has worked across a wide range of sectors including financial services, manufacturing and the NHS.

Sharon Paterson, Mike Rogers and Paul Hessey from Leading Roles run an experiential session on having difficult conversations on our Introduction to Head of Department programme. In our first of two blogs on this subject, they share their practical tips on the preparation needed to ensure that difficult conversations are managed well and generate the best outcome for those involved.

Before the meeting ask yourself these questions:

Why have this conversation?

Who will it serve immediately and what will it bring you?

What might be the ultimate benefit (to both of you) of having this conversation?

Is the matter trivial or serious enough for both parties to invest time in?

What might be the ultimate consequence of not having this conversation?

If you’re not going to do it, what are you going to do instead?

What might be your “BATNA” (Best Alternative to No Agreement)?

When you consider the longer-term implications, decide whether a good outcome now would damage a relationship with this individual (or wider group) in the longer term. If you have not decided to avoid this potential conflict for legitimate reasons, explain to yourself why a ‘victory’ on this issue is essential for you, or how you might be prepared to compromise in the short term to get more from the relationship over time, or indeed whether there is a way to collaborate with this individual for an even better solution than the one you currently plan to offer.

How can youprepare yourself?
Think about how you can carry your desired mindset into the conversation and even how your physiology can affect your psychology. Try psychologist Amy Cuddy’s Power Posing techniques.

If you want to be assertive, courageous, compassionate, remind yourself of when you have done these things well – even if it was in unrelated circumstances – and summon the feelings associated with those times. Develop techniques that will help you to keep calm and manage your emotions. Slow silent counting and breathing deeply can sometimes help.

Being assertive
If you are planning to be assertive, the 5-part assertion tool can help you rehearse being assertive about what you really want or need to happen. This isn’t a script, but you can benefit by thinking about the following in your own terms:

What I like…

What I don’t like…

If you do…

If you don’t…

What I want / need is…

Are you ‘travelling light’?
You may be carrying ‘baggage’ into the conversation. Is it possible to leave it at the door – the past does not always need to feature in the present.

How can you bring both honesty and integrity to the conversation?
Be very clear about what you can and can’t promise, and about what power and responsibility you have to meet requests. With what status are you entering the conversation? Parent, adult or child? (Find out more about this idea by following this link). Question your assumptions and your knowledge of the context of events, consider why would a reasonable person be acting in this way.

Think about the situation from the other person’s perspective
If you were in their position, how could they be feeling and what might they be thinking about the issue? (Literally asking these questions early in the conversation should give you a better understanding of both.) What alternative approach might you offer as a suggestion, if you were ‘wearing their shoes’?

Think about the degree to which they seem to be holding onto their convictions, using what you have observed, rather than assume to be the case. If they have declared outright that the issue is one on which they will never compromise, you may need to re-assess your ability to influence them.

Location, location, location
Taking some control of the meeting environment might help. Your place or theirs or neutral ground? Where might be most advantageous to the situation?