"Sergeant Foul's Bane" - A Drag/NET Story
By Arthur Levesque -- http://DammitJa.net/text
(A Parody of Stephen R. Donaldson's "Lord Foul's Bane")
"Hey, look at the pizza-face!"
Zork Covenant walked through the halls of Mount St. Charles High School,
showing no response to the tauntings around him, but inwardly raging.
"Hellfire!" he thought. "I've tried Oxy-10, Clearasil, and Stridex! It's
not my fault!" Zork was hit on the forehead by a wadded-up piece of paper.
"Pimpled Outcast Unclean!" he yelled as he stormed forward to the principal's
office.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Covenant," Dr. Qua of the New Orleans Xtension Epidermal
Medical Association (NOXEMA) clinic said two months ago. "There is no cure for
your condition. All that can keep your condition from getting worse is constant
vigilance. We will train you to keep your condition from spreading, and then
you can return to normal life."
"Hell, blood, and blocked pores!" Zork Covenant had stormed. "What chance
do I have for a normal life with a face like this?"
"All you can do is wait for adolescence to end. It may seem to take
forever, but someday your face will clear up. Until then, unfortunately, people
will find it very hard to accept you."
Zork swore an oath and stomped out of Dr. Qua's office.
Zork Covenant walked into the principal's office. The secretary looked
very uncomfortable to be in his presence, and nervously asked, "What can I do
you for?"
"I need my assignments for the last two months," Zork mumbled. "I just got
back from the NOXEMA clinic."
The secretary looked through the filing cabinets. "There must be some
mistake..." she stammered. "All of your assignments for the last two months are
done. In fact, you're almost a month ahead on--"
Zork screamed inwardly as he walked out of the office. They were doing his
assignments for him so he wouldn't have to go to school. They wanted him to
stay home so they wouldn't have to look at him.
"Hellfire."
"What's that on your face?" Zork's mother had screamed three months ago
when he got up one morning. "Oh, Zork, how could you let this happen? Why
didn't you wash your face more often?"
"Oh, gross!" Zork's brother had proclaimed. "Stay away from me, man, I
don't want any of those on my face!"
A month later, when Zork's face had gotten worse despite all attempts to
control it, they had sent him to a clinic in Louisiana that they had read about.
Zork Covenant left the school. He saw no reason to stay when all his work
was being done and people obviously didn't want him around. As he walked toward
the parking lot, a strange man in yellow robes handed him a sheet of paper. "Be
true," he said, turned a corner, and was gone.
Zork opened up the paper and read: "Call Blackstone Valley BBS! 2400
baud, 24 hours a day! (401) 769-2055!" While he was reading this, Zork tripped
on a speed bump and fell face-first towards the concrete. His vision clouded
and he fell unconscious...
Zork Covenant awoke in darkness. He was overpowered by the dark, the
mustiness, the almost total lack of light or sound. Then, he heard arguing
behind him. He quickly turned towards the sounds, fixing on them as evidence
that he continued to exist in this lifeless abyss.
"Yes, I did it!" A sniveling voice cried out. Zork saw a large form in the
darkness with glowering red eyes which seemed to be the speaker. "He belongs to
me! His power belongs to me! Me! Drooling Worminator, King of the
Cavewights!!"
"Yeah, huh?" another voice said. Zork turned to look at the other speaker,
but could see nothing. If anything, it seemed darker and more lifeless where
the second voice seemed to originate from. "I provided you with the Disk of
Law, the fabled software that in olden times allowed Lords to shape the world to
their whims. I could not use the disk and so gave it to you to copy and crack.
I forbade you to use it. The disk and the human are both mine."
"No! Mine!" Drooling Worminator cried, then cringed as the malevolent
darkness moved toward him. "He is mine! I'll show you!!" The huge cavewight
inserted the Disk of Law into his ancient computer and turned it on. As the
computer went through its self tests and started loading DOS, the dark form
leapt at the computer.
"Computers suck!" the cold voice proclaimed, ripping the cord of power from
behind the computer. "You will not use this against me. I leave you the disk,
but the human is mine." The darkness approached Zork Covenant, and once more he
became unconscious.
Zork awoke once again. He sensed that he was outdoors because of the cool
breeze and the natural scents around him. He opened his eyes and saw a starry
sky above and rocky ground below. He also saw the same darkness which spoke to
the cavewight earlier. Zork took one step backward and stepped in the source of
one of the natural scents around him.
"My name is Sergeant Foul," said the cold voice. The voice would be almost
the embodiment of hate if it had had a body. "If I had any friends, they would
call me Sarge. You will call me Sergeant Foul." The darkness moved even closer
to Zork. "Hear me now, listen yesterday, and think about it tomorrow: I will be
the ultimate power in this land. You will be helpless against me; you will even
bring a message to the puny lords for me. This is the message you will deliver
to them:
"To Whom it may Concern:
"I, Sergeant Foul, the Despiser and Evil Syspoip, will conquer this land
and put all life and death under my power. There is no way to stop me, all you
can do is slow me down.
"Drooling Worminator, King of the Cavewights, has the Disk of Law. Unless
you can regain this ancient relic and learn its use, your time remaining is but
90 days (plus weekends, spring break, and an occasional holiday).
"Do not look to this Dork for help. He knows not his power, and can do
nothing. As a gesture of contempt, I use him as my messenger.
"Love, Sergeant Foul."
Sergeant Foul drifted back. "You will give them this message, or you will
join their downfall and it will be all the more swifter and bloodier." Foul then
disappeared.
Zork looked around, scraped his shoe along the road, and set out to see
where it led...
Zork Covenant followed the road down from the hilltop he was on into a
small forest. The trees were all in verdant splendor, and Zork could see birds
and other forest creatures merrily making their way. And then, he heard another
sound over those sounds normally associated with forests, a sound which seemed
remarkably similar to that of a girl singing.
Zork made his way toward the voice. He found it in a clearing, emanating
from a girl bathing in a pond. The voice was not the only thing emanating from
the girl, however, and Zork stopped and stared. After Zork had stood motionless
for a few moments, the girl noticed him and stopped singing. "Are you all
right?" she asked in a lilting voice. Zork, not used to speaking with (or doing
anything with) beautiful, nude females, said nothing. "What's wrong with your
face? Can't you speak?" she asked. "Let me help you!" She stood up and started
walking towards Zork. This was too much for him and he fainted.
"I have to learn to stay conscious for more than three paragraphs at a
time," Zork thought as he awoke. He felt a strange sensation on his face, and
opened his eyes. "What are you doing?" he asked the as yet unnamed girl who was
spreading mud on his face.
"I am applying hurtloam to your face," she replied. "You had some ill
which I did not recognize, but the hurtloam should cure it." She pointed to the
pond. "Go soak your head."
Zork sheepishly walked to the pond and washed the mud off of his face. When
the water cleared and Zork could see his reflection, he was amazed to see that
all of his facial blemishes were completely gone. Overjoyed, he threw his arms
around the girl and kissed her. A fog clouded his mind and he began to lose
control. "Oh no, not again," he thought...
When Zork came to his senses later, the girl was gone. Zork looked around,
and saw only his clothes strewn about the clearing and a blood stain on the sand
next to where he was lying. He saw no sign of the girl, but thought he heard
her sobbing in the distance. He tried to find her, to apologize to her. He
never meant to hurt her or to cause her grief, but after his face had been
cleared he lost control of himself. He tried to find her, but was unsuccessful.
He heard an occasional rustling of leaves and decided that she must be staying
one step ahead of him. Finally, after following the sounds of her crying for
over an hour, he came to the end of the forest and saw a village.
Zork adjusted his disheveled clothes and entered the village, hoping to ask
for directions. As soon as he started talking to one old gentleman, the man
started pointing at Zork's mouth and yelling "the white gold! The white gold!"
Soon a crowd gathered. They all gazed at Zork's mouth in wonder. "It's
true!" one man cried. "The white gold fillings! The time of prophecy has
come!"
"So what?" asked one voice in the back.
"There's a Bad Apple in every bunch," the old man muttered, indicating the
heckler at the rear of the crowd. In a louder voice, the old man shouted, "hear
me! I am Swamprat, who found the oasis by which we founded our village! Will
any contradict my authority?"
No one spoke.
"Good!" Swamprat proclaimed. "The day draws to an end. The bearer of the
white gold will stay here overnight, and in the morning we decide what we shall
do." Swamprat turned to Zork. "Come with me. You shall stay at my home. My
daughter, Melena, went into the forest in the Oasis this morning, and has not
yet returned." He smiled. "She is a Total Flake, but means well. You may have
her dinner and bed as she often spends days and nights alone in the forest.
Perhaps you saw her?"
Zork shook his head guilty and followed Swamprat into his hovel. He didn't
get any sleep that night; and, for the first time, finished a chapter conscious.
"I call this meeting of the viLlage to order," Swamprat announced. "I
trust we all know why we're here."
"Let's get on with it," protested the man whom Zork knew only as the Bad
Apple. "I've planned an exciting evening of banging rocks against my head and I
don't want to waste too much time here."
"You can get your rocks off later," Swamprat muttered. In a louder voice
he announced: "The White Gold has arrived in the Land. Hard times are ahead.
The Lords at RavenStone must be informed. Someone must guide him to
RavenStone."
"But RavenStone is a week's journey away," one man protested.
"I will go," said Carol Hanks Swamprat-Mate. "I have been to RavenStone
before, and can see that he has no problems. Give my love to our daughter when
she returns."
"Let's be careful out there," Swamprat said to his wife. "I shall await
your return, and may good luck travel with thee..."
Several hours later, after an elaborate dinner in his honour, Zork Covenant
left the village with Carol Hanks and set out for RavenStone.
Two days into their journey, as they were halting for a midday break, a man
leapt out from behind some bushes. Screaming in anger, he drew a knife and
charged at Zork. Zork recognized him as one of the men from the village, but
could not remember his name. "Hellfire," he swore softly.
"Trigambler!" Carol yelled, and Zork suddenly remembered the man's name. It
was Trigambler. Trigambler payed her no heed, and jumped at Zork. Zork stepped
aside. "Trigambler!" Carol yelled once again. "Is your hovercraft full of
eels?!?"
Trigambler stopped and turned toward Carol. "How dare you ask me that
question? You too would ache to spill his blood if you knew what I knew! What
that -- that -- that despicable wretch did to your daughter and my fiancee,
Melena!"
"Remember your Oath of Peace!" Carol admonished him, and then asked, "What
did he do?" Zork looked for a rock to hide under.
"He came across her in the forest while she was bathing," Trigambler raged.
"She healed grievous wounds on his face, and he repayed her by raping her! She
saw and recognized the white gold, and hid in the forest until after you left
with him." He drew his knife and once again turned to Zork. "My Oath be damned.
I will kill him for what he's done..."
As Trigambler moved towards Zork, his knife drawn to kill, Zork looked
around for an avenue of escape. He found none. During the course of the last
few days, Zork had often wondered whether he was actually in another world, or
if this was merely a dream (albeit a long one). He watched Trigambler's
approach. He realized that he had no weapon, and would hardly be capable of
defending himself against the enraged fiance even if he had one. Zork closed
his eyes and began to pray desperately that this was all a dream. "Hellfire,"
he muttered. Why couldn't he dream of fast cars and faster women like all the
other guys his age?
"No!" Carol cried. Zork opened one eye and saw that Trigambler was now
facing Carol instead of him. "This is too important a matter for revenge at
this time despite the evil that he has done. His appearance is a bad omen for
the Land, and he must be brought to the Lords for them to decide what action to
take. My husband, Swamprat, declared that we should bring him. If we brought
him back, my husband would not change his mind. The White Gold bearer must be
brought to the Lords."
For two full minutes, Carol and Trigambler stared into each other's eyes.
Finally, Trigambler acquiesed. He turned and walked away, after saying to Zork
in a cold voice: "I will keep my Oath of Peace for now, but I will not forget.
We shall meet again."
"White Gold bearer," Carol addressed Zork, "your coming portends bad times
for the Land. It is said that you have a supreme power, and that you will save
or damn the Land." She looked him straight in the eye and continued. "You will
be brought to the Lords and they will decide what to do about you. I will not
yet tell them of your crime. But if you fail or betray the Land, and I am able,
I will kill you." She took a deep breath. "You're lucky you didn't arrive last
week when Bad Apple was in charge. He would have wanted you dragged back, and
would have devised a singularly painful punishment for you."
"You mean your husband is not always the chief?" Zork asked, confused.
"No," Carol explained. "We're an Anarcho-Syndicist commune. We take it in
turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week..."
Four days into their journey, two days after the attack by Trigambler, Zork
Covenant and Carol Hanks found themselves passing through the beautiful forests
of Iandelain. They stopped to rest, and nourished themselves with with the
fresh fruit and clear, running water in the verdant hills. As they passed over
one crest and into the small valley beyond, they each drew in a breath as they
saw the rare sight before them.
The Wraiths of Khan, insubstantial creatures of light and happiness, were
frolicking about the clearing in a breathtaking dance which they customarily
performed under every full moon. Zork and Carol, spellbound, spent an
indeterminate amount of time watching them before they were forced to draw in
another breath at another spectacle...
A group of short, roynish creatures, in a back-slash shaped formation, came
into the clearing and began to descend upon on the helpless wraiths.
"What the hell are those things?" asked Zork, "And what the bloody hell
does 'roynish' mean?!?"
"Those are Ur-Vipers," explained Carol. "They are evil creatures who hate
joy and love evil, mayhem, and destruction. Their leader, King Jay-Son of the
Cold Lamp, has allied himself with Sergeant Foul, the Despiser and
Defenestrator. Their presence here can only forbode evil..."
And, as Carol predicted (although it wasn't a difficult prediction
considering the nature of the Ur-Vipers), the Ur-Vipers began to attack the
wraiths. Their back-slash formation seemed to focus power on the foremost
member of the group, and he annihilated each wraith as it attempted to pass him.
In a very short time, a fourth of the helpless shades had been blasted by the
evil creatures.
"Do something!" Carol pleaded of Zork. "You bear the White Gold, so open
up your mouth and do something!!"
Zork did something. After a sharp intake of breath, he opened his mouth
and screamed: "HHEEELLPP!!!!"
As soon as the scream left Zork's lips, another figure arrived in the
valley. Zork and Carol performed another sharp intake of breath as they saw a
White Knight, in shining armor, entering the valley. The Ur-Vipers paused as
they saw the magnificent figure approach.
"It is one of the Unfettered Ones," Carol explained to Zork in low,
respectful tones. "After completing their training at RavenWood, but before
they are sworn in as Lords, they decide to go into the world unbound to seek
their own knowledge." Carol turned to the newcomer. "Please, O White Knight,
could you help us against this foul scourge?"
The White Knight spoke, in a voice oddly high-pitched for one of his
demeanor. "I preach the doctrine of Self-Help," the Knight announced. "Here,
let me give you these." The argent-armored knight threw several pamphlets at
Carol and Zork's feet, turned, and left the valley.
The Ur-Vipers returned to their Wraith-slaughtering.
Zork and Carol read the titles of some of the pamphlets before them. "Be a
More Positive Thinker", "Beat That Dependency", "How To Kick Ur-Viper Butt",
"You Can Do And Be Anything You Choose"...
Carol grabbed the third one and began to read frantically. The Ur-Vipers
continued the wipe out the wraiths. After the Ur-Vipers had wiped out half of
the wraiths, their line passed by Zork. Zork sneezed. It wasn't just any
sneeze, but a real nose buster. It was, of course, preceded by a sharp intake
of breath. As Zork sneezed, facing the Ur-Vipers and with his mouth fully open,
lightning bolts shot out of his white gold fillings.
"Damn," Zork said as the few remaining Ur-Vipers stumbled over the bodies
of their charred comrades in their haste to flee. "I must really be coming down
with something."
Another day into their journey, Carol stopped and turned to Zork. "We have
used up the last of our food," she announced bleakly, "and will find no more in
this grassy land. I fear we will have no food for the rest of our travels
unless we encounter a Waymeat."
"I'm from Smithfield, not your bloody Land, remember?" Zork grumbled. His
stomach grumbled with him. "Mind telling me what a 'Waymeat' is?"
"The Ur-Vipers have cousins, the Pit-Vipers," Carol began. "Both races
descend from the ancient race of Vindshield-Vipers, sworn enemies of Man. After
the last war, a truce was made between Men and Pit-Vipers. As atonement for
their past crimes, some Pit-Vipers now travel the land, distributing food to
hungry travellers. A Waymeat is one of the places where their Spam Caravans
stop, to give out meat from the spammelopes which the Pit-Vipers herd. If the
Spam Caravans see anyone as the pass, they throw spam-meat out at them."
"Why don't they just stop?"
"The Pit-Vipers are bitter and resentful, and do not like to converse or
deal directly with humans if given a choice. They have been known to take
passengers occasionally, but never to RavenStone. They won't go there." Carol
paused, listening to a far-off rumbling and scanning the horizon. "Look, here
comes one now!"
With unbelievable speed, the caravan passed. Two large tins of spam-meat
were hurled out. Carol expertly caught hers; Zork barely dodged his in time to
keep from being decapitated. As he picked his up, he noticed that the caravan
was turning around for another pass. "Now what?" he asked.
"Dessert," Carol replied, as a rubber tube smacked each of them in the
face. Zork unsealed the end of his to find that it was full of a substance
resembling lime jell-o. "One thing to watch out for," Carol admonished, as she
bit off a piece of spam. "If you find one of those rubber things filled with a
creamy substance, resembling egg whites, DON'T eat it."
Shortly thereafter, they heard singing voices ahead. As they drew closer,
they could hear that the singers were telling of ancient, far-off cities which
had several names. "They might be Giants," Carol whispered, "but we'd better
wait until we're sure before we make our presence known." Following her lead,
Zork crept softly on the grass and slunk towards the jovial voices. They soon
discovered two unbelievably large humanoids eating by a river singing about
triangular men. "Ho, Giants!" Carol called. "Rock-heads, water-steerers, and
great allies of my people, I salute you!"
One of the giants belched as the other casually returned a salute. He
exclaimed, through a large mouth over-laden with food, "I am SlashArt
BeerSwallower, emissary to the Lords, and this is GwiiiSter GinFeaster, my
navigator and assistant." The second giant extended his hand, and it took both
Zork and Carol to shake it.
"They are unfamiliar with our customs and may sometimes appear rude," Carol
explained as both giants farted in unison, laughing heartily. "But we must
still treat them with great respect; for not only are they great allies of my
people, but they will also break all of our bones if we don't." Carol spoke in
a louder voice for the giants to hear, "Are you going to RavenStone?"
"Definitely," GwiiiSter GinFeaster replied. "There is an important
conference tomorrow night, about the return of Sergeant Foul, the need for
planning and preparations, discussions of strategy, and possibly declarations of
war!"
"That's right," SlashArt BeerSwallower confirmed. "And we're going because
conferences this big are always followed by humongous parties." The two giants
then began to laugh again, and muttered something about "Stress Management."
"Well, then, in the name of the friendship between our people, I ask you to
bring this Zork Covenant, White-Gold-Filling-Bearer and stranger to our Land,
with you to RavenStone. He must address the Lords on matters of utmost
importance!" She shoved Zork into the Giants' boat and hissed at him, "my
obligation to you is complete. I have let you live only so you could go to the
Lords and help them defeat Sergeant Foul. If you fail, and I find you, you will
have much to answer for." Carol turned around, took a running start, and
grabbed onto a passing Spam Caravan. As it streaked away toward the setting
sun, Zork heard Carol yelling, "HEY! Isn't this chair attached to the floor?
Don't turn so fast! YOOOWWWW!!!"
Zork was exhausted. After his sudden appearance in the land, various
emotional traumas such as meeting Sergeant Foul, terror of this odd world, and
the rape of a girl who cured his acute acne; and enduring a five-day-long forced
march toward RavenStone, seat of the Lords who defended the Land, Zork now found
himself in the presence of two friendly but flatulent giants. "At least I'll be
able to rest for the rest of this trip," Zork Covenant thought, as the Giants'
boat drifted downriver to the Lords' keep, "my feet were ready to fall off...
and I always thought gym class was bad!!" Zork rolled over and prayed for a
strong wind, to both speed up the boat and clear the air, as he drifted off to
sleep...
"Hey! Little man!" Zork awoke to see SlashArt BeerSwallower's huge face
staring intently at him. As his footlong fingers shook Zork, SlashArt asked
him, "do you intend to sleep all day, small man?"
"We are going to have to pump you up!" GwiiiSter GinFeaster exclaimed as he
simultaneously performed morning exercises and gulped beer from an immense stone
flagon.
Zork yawned. He had been in worse situations, and with worse company. He
smiled as he asked the giants what was for breakfast. "What else?" SlashArt
asked, grabbing the flagon from GwiiiSter. "The same thing we had for dinner
last night! BEER!!"
SlashArt drank several gallon-sized gulps, and then poured some beer over
Zork's gaping mouth. More beer splashed onto Zork than into him, but GwiiiSter
pointed out that beer was good for the hair and the complexion. "You'll never
see a Giant with zits or dandruff!" Gwiister explained jovially.
"That's because we can't see your heads!" Zork laughed, as the strong
Giantish beer began to take effect. Zork felt better than he had in a long
time, and was both disappointed and violently ill when the boat finally arrived
at RavenStone the next morning.
"This is your room."
Zork was brought into RavenStone surrounded by guards. He preferred to
think of them as an honor guard, but he thought that honor guards aimed their
spears up, not at the recipient of their honor. He was led to a room at the top
of the east tower, and introduced to his guard, a man named Cannon Ball. The
best Zork could figure, the guard got the name because he was very dark, and
almost spherical. He didn't remind Zork of Fat Albert so much as the girl in
Willy Wonka who was turned into a giant blueberry.
"Cannon Ball will be your guard," The head guard told Zork. "He will
protect you and watch you at the same time. Tonight you will be given a tour of
RavenStone, and tomorrow you will attend a convocation of the Lords."
"Killer," Zork replied sarcastically. "Do you guys have any aspirin?"
"We know not of this aspirin, but if your head aches, which happens to most
people who travel among giants, this will help." The guard gave Zork some of
the mud (hurtloam) which had cured his complexion, and made him swallow it.
Soon the hangover disappeared. "Rest and prepare yourself."
Zork tried to strike up a conversation with Cannon Ball. All he could
learn from him was that Cannon Ball was part of a distant race, who served and
protected the Lords against Sergeant Foul, whom they referred to as The Supreme
Fascist. Cannon Ball's people, who lived in remote mountains, traded this
service for food and assistance from the Lords. The Lords usually had Cannon
Ball's people guarding guests and the outside of the castle, since the Lords
personally could not stand them. Rather than continue the conversation, Zork
decided to catch some sleep before the big tour...
"Wake up," Cannon Ball grunted. "The High Lord is here to personally
conduct your tour. Of course, you probably won't understand any of what's going
on, will you?" Cannon Ball loped off, muttering. "None of these people
understand anything. They need my enlightening. Now if I were High Lord..."
A large, strange man with black, burning eyes entered the room. His eyes
pierced Zork's as he announced, "I am the Electric Lord Mhonkam. You shall come
with me."
"Don't you want my guard to come along?" Zork asked, sarcastically. "After
all, you're only a full foot taller than I am."
"I have no fear of any man, not even the White Gold Bearer," the High Lord
replied, diplaying no emotion. He then wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Besides,
I have no stomach for the company of Cannon Ball and his ilk."
"This is the laboratory where the Lords prepare their research," Electric
Lord Mhonkam announced. "Our lore is still primitive and far from potent, but
we increase our knowledge every day. We attempt to tap into the vast EarthPower
evident in nature." Mhonkam indicated one Lord, "this is Whiskey Willie. He
has created a very potent potion which he calls 'stew' from fruits, grains, and
other natural substances. It greatly increases the boldness of our soldiers,
but often at the expense of their dexterity. Willie is trying to find a way of
preventing the side effects that occur the next morning." Mhonkam pointed to
another Lord and said, "this is Lord Doobage. He has gotten the most amazing
and unusual results by burning certain herbs." Mhonkam then showed Zork a third
Lord in the corner, standing next to a caged sheep. "This is the Holy Lord
Cow," Mhonkam explained. "He is trying to improve the relationships between man
and animals. The less said about his methods, the better."
"What sort of powers do you command?" Zork asked.
"I am able to summon and direct bolts of lightning!" the Electric Lord
Mhonkam announced, sending a lightning bolt from his fingertips to char the wall
behind Lord Doobage. "It is for this reason that I am High Lord, for verily can
I kick all of their asses easily. All it takes is for one of them to but repeat
my name thrice..."
"This is the computer room," said Mhonkam, indicating several upright
computers with built-in screens and multicolored fruit logos. "In the olden
days, the Lords were able to perform world-altering feats with their computers,
computers with this arcane symbol on them."
_______________________________
| ______ _____ ____ ____ |
| ______ ______ _____ _____ |
| __ _ __ __ __ __ __ |
| __ ____ __ ___ __ |
| __ ____ __ _ __ |
| __ _ __ __ __ |
| ______ ______ ____ ____ |
| ______ _____ ____ ____ |
|_______________________________|
"However, all of the old Lords' computers were lost during the Great
Defenestration, when Sergeant Foul re-formatted the Land," Mhonkam continued.
"Using the EarthPower in nature, we created new computers using apples from the
trees and mice from the fields. However, as you can see, these computers will
not run any of the old Lords' software." Mhonkam picked up a 5.25" disk,
labelled "PFS:Weather Control", folded it in half, and slipped it into the Mac's
3.5" drive. The drive whined pitifully, and then a "System error" icon appeared
on the screen. Zork looked at the image of a small, angry computer giving him
the finger, and shrugged. "So," said Mhonkam, "do you now see our predicament?
At the height of their power, the old Lords could not defeat Sergeant Foul. And
now, with all of their old tools unusable to us, Sergeant Foul has returned."
"That sucks," Zork agreed, nodding his head sympathetically.
The meeting was called. A great hall was filled with people. Some of them
were people Zork had seen during his tour through the Lords' Keep, but most were
strangers. Zork had no idea that RavenStone held so many people. Zork stood
before a semi-circular table, at which the Lords sat. Behind them were the
various soldiers, apprentices, and all others who had an interest in the issues
at hand.
"Zork Covenant," Electric Lord Mhonkam began formally. "You are a stranger
both to us; and, it is said, the Land. For what purpose have you come before
us?"
"I don't know how or why I was transported to this place," Zork replied
nervously, "but immediately upon my arrival, Sergeant Foul gave me a message to
relay to you." As a wave of shock passed through the hall, Zork began to recite
the message. It was as though it had been burned into his brain, and he was
unable to pause or change it in any way. He even found himself using the same
sarcastic tone which Sergeant Foul had used to address him...
To Whom it may Concern:
I, Sergeant Foul, the Despiser and Evil Syspoip, will conquer
this land and put all life and death under my power. There is no
way to stop me, all you can do is slow me down.
Drooling Worminator, King of the Cavewights, has the Disk of
Law. Unless you can regain this ancient relic and learn its use,
your time remaining is but 90 days (plus weekends, spring break, and
an occasional holiday).
Do not look to this Dork for help. He knows not his power, and
can do nothing. As a gesture of contempt, I use him as my messenger.
Love, Sergeant Foul.
There was silence in the hall, as people's minds were unable to digest the
evil morsel Zork had offered them. Finally, the Holy Lord Cow spoke: "By what
token can we know and trust you? What is this power of which our enemy spoke?"
Zork walked over to the Lords' table and opened his mouth, revealing the
white gold fillings which a drunken dentist had given him. Zork's mother had
sent all of her children to their uncle Biff for dental work, since he treated
them for free. When Biff's wife, Silva, had walked out on him, Biff melted down
his white gold wedding ring and used it for fillings. Biff had been known for
cutting corners, scrimping on supplies, and operating in an inebriated
condition; and the braces he had given to Zork's cousin Jon Proctor had ended
any hope Jon might have had for a meaningful social life.
The Lords, except for Mhonkam, gasped in awe and horror as they saw the
fulfillment of ancient prophesy standing before them. Mhonkam had decided not
to tell the other Lords before the meeting of the new turn events had taken.
"You all know the Legend of the White Gold," Mhonkam began. "Our world is built
the forces of Wild Magic, of which gravity, Earthpower, and all other forces are
but subsets. The White Gold is able to control the Wild Magic, and the owner of
the White Gold can save or damn the land. The owner of the White Gold is
himself a paradox; both sane and insane, guilty and innocent, good and evil,
cool and a total geek. He has the power which Foul covets, and could spell the
end of all we know and love." Mhonkam paused. "Gentlemen, the fecal matter has
impacted the rotary air-circulation device."
"Why then, did Sergeant Foul let you go?" asked Lord Doobage, inhaling more
of the incense which bore his name.
"Hellfire!" stormed Zork. "How should I know? I don't know anything about
this Wild Magic, or how to use it."
"For now, at least, he is with us. I suggest we have another problem at
hand," cut in the Mad Lord Mouser. "Assuming Foul's taunts are true, we must
regain the Disk of Law from Drooling Worminator. With the disk, the rockworm
can do horrible things. In fact, to use the disk, Worminator must have a
working computer, compatible with those of the old Lords'. If we could capture
that, why, our power would be increased a thousandfold!!"
"Excellent!" agreed Lord Whiskey Willie. "I suggest we begin immediate
preparations for a quest to regain these items from Drooling Worminator. We
have a long day ahead of us, gentlemen. Would anyone like some of my stew?"
The next morning, at false dawn, Zork Covenant was woken up by the sound of
Cannon Ball snorting phlegm from one nasal cavity into the other. "The High
Lord requests your presence," Cannon Ball grunted. "The questing party is
preparing to leave. Of course, I told Mhonkam that he should try negotiating
with Foul, instead of running off on some imperialistic military intervention.
But no one ever listens to me..." Zork contented himself with the thought that,
if the quest were unsuccessful and they were all killed by Foul, at least none
of them would ever see or hear Cannon Ball again. Zork dressed quickly and went
out to join the others.
The questing party was a small one, the Lords having decided that stealth
rather than brute force would best serve their purposes. The party consisted of
the five main Lords: Electric Lord Mhonkam, Whiskey Lord Willie, Smokin' Lord
Doobage, Holy Lord Cow, and Mad Lord Mouser; Zork Covenant, and the two giants
SlashArt BeerSwallower and GW IIIster GinFeaster. The Lords' keep, RavenStone,
was left in the hands of the apprentice and journeyman Lords; who, along with
the Warmark, would be more than able to hold the Hold. Cannon Ball's people
would be guarding the Keep from the outside, so that if Foul did attempt a sneak
attack while the Lords were away, they would be the first casualties. For
supplies, they brought with them five wagons: one carried the Lords' equipment,
one carried food and water for the men and horses, and the other three wagons
carried beer for the giants.
As the party began the week-long journey toward the Chasms of Purgatory,
wherein dwelt the cavewights, Zork pulled his horse up alongside Mhonkam's.
"Tell me about Sergeant Foul," Zork asked, "so I can get an idea of just exactly
how hopeless this is."
"Well," began the High Lord, "we call him Sergeant Foul. The giants call
him ShitForBrains BadDude, and Cannon Ball's people call him The Supreme
Fascist. Some call him evil personified. There are even those few who refer to
him as Blop the Ballerina, but that is another story. Foul's ultimate beginning
is but a myth, but ages ago, he managed to become one of the Lords. As Sergeant
Lord Foul, he subverted and then destroyed the old Lords and all they stood for
by forcing Lime Lord Jell-o to read with him the Ritual of Defenestration.
Jell-o believed that only by re-formatting the entire land could Foul be
destroyed. As all the Lords had built began to crumble, and Jell-o knew he
failed, the last thing he heard was Foul's laughter." Mhonkam paused, then
continued. "After the Ritual of Defenestration, Foul was not seen again. Some
believed that Foul had gone away, others believed that the Defenestration
absorbed too much of his power and he expired soon after. However, recent signs,
leading up to your appearance in the Land, have shown us that Foul was merely
lying dormant after the Great Defenestration, and was now once again at the
pinnacle of his power. Unfortunately, he catches us at the low point of ours."
"What exactly does he want?" Zork asked. "To become ruler of all the Land?
To crush the Lords once and for all?"
"That might have contented him before," Mhonkam said gravely. "But now
that the White Gold is in the Land, the stakes are raised. According to the
myth, a Creator created our world and all in it. It was a place of beauty and
joy. However, as he created it, Foul also influenced its development. He
concealed evils and banes in the world, and twisted some of the creatures into
his image. Whether Foul was beside or inside the Creator is unknown; but the
Creator cast out Foul and imprisoned him in our world. With the White Gold, he
may yet free himself and wreak unimaginable havoc throughout all of eternity."
"All because of my teeth," Zork mused. "So, do you really think getting
this computer and Disk of Law will help?"
"They did not help the old Lords," Mhonkam replied, "but without them we
have not even the slightest chance. With them, maybe we can think of something
which the old Lords failed to consider."
"Or you may just end up re-formatted again," Zork said, and withdrew from
the conversation.
On the third night after the questing party departed RavenStone, the
questors once again began to set up for the night. Since they weren't in an
area settled by humans, and wouldn't be until the next evening, they once again
had to dip into their supply wagons. Zork and the Lords chewed on the salty
preserved beef-sticks which they had brought with them. The giants, amid much
yelling of the word "thingy", unloaded a couple of kegs from their wagons and
began to drink their giantish provisions.
Before he went to sleep, Zork thought he saw movement out of the corner of
his eye. He turned his head, and saw two red eyes dart behind a tree. He
stared at the tree for twenty minutes, but saw no more movement. He soon fell
asleep again.
The next evening they arrived at the small town of Lucifer's Bluff. At
least, the map named the area they were in as Lucifer's bluff. All they saw as
they looked around were smoking ashes where houses or trees may have once stood.
Total silence hung heavily in the air.
"What happened here?" demanded the Mad Lord Mouser.
"It looks like this whole town was totally destroyed, and all occupants
killed," the Electric Lord Mhonkam replied emotionlessly. "This must have been
Foul's work. We'd better look around."
"I don't even hear any wildlife," muttered the Holy Lord Cow.
The party nervously settled down for the night, having already decided to
spend the next day searching the area. Zork once again saw red eyes watching
the party from a safe distance. This time, he rolled over and woke up Mhonkam.
"For the last couple of nights, I've seen red eyes watching our camp at night,"
Zork stammered.
"You've probably seen an Enforcer," the high Lord replied. "They must have
discovered our camp a couple of nights back. Once Enforcers find you, they keep
following you and harassing you forever. They carry wooden boards with strange
runes carved on them, and they beg people to look at their boards. Of course,
their boards are totally meaningless to us."
"Could the Enforcers have destroyed Lucifer's Bluff?"
"No, the residents of Lucifer's Bluff hate Enforcers, and have vowed to
kill them all if given the chance. The Enforcers, being cowardly creatures,
have never called Lucifer's Bluff."
Zork groaned. "But is it safe to sleep here with them around?"
"Certainly! They offer no serious threat, and their stench may drive away
any more dangerous creatures." Mhonkam rolled over. "Good night, Ur-Lord."
"Good night."
They next day they made a thorough search of the entire valley, and
discovered a small boy, a yound woman, and a old cow. "I'll see what I can
learn from this one," the Holy Lord Cow announced, leading the cow around a
hill."
Before Zork Covenant could ask, the Mad Lord Mouser told him: "You do not
want to know what he will do with the cow."
The Lords were able to calm the survivors with some of Smokin' Lord
Doobage's herbs and Whiskey Lord Willie's stew. The boy, who called himself
"Wild Child", refused to answer any of the Lord's questions. The woman told of
the villiage being burned to the ground by ur-Vipers. Neither had any
particularly grievous wounds; so, after applying some hurtloam, the two
survivors were brought along.
Once again, as he prepared for sleep, Zork saw the eyes of the Enforcers
upon the questing party. He heard the grunts of Wild Child, who had to be tied
down to prevent him from knocking himself out banging his head against rocks.
"The boy's mind has been twisted in some way," the Mad Lord Mouser
announced. "He and the woman must have been left alive for a purpose."
The Holy Lord Cow, still covered with blood and fur which he couldn't
completely wash off, replied: "I think this is some sort of trap."
"But how can Foul know where we are?" asked Whiskey Lord Willie.
"The Enforcers!" Zork and Mhonkham answered simultaneously. "We've got to
get rid of them!"
"We'll take care of them," GwiiiSter GinFeaster announced, as he and
SlashArt BeerSwallower chuckled and staggered into the darkness. Zork and the
other Lords fell asleep to the sounds of screaching and tearing, and did not
hear the two bloody but victorious giants return to resume drinking shortly
before dawn.
The attack came the next morning. As the giants belched and Zork Covenant
recoiled from their morning breath, a hoard of ur-Vipers rolled over the hills.
Smokin' Lord Doobage, out for a stroll and a breath of fresh air (since tennis
hadn't been invented here yet) saw them first.
"We got ur-Vipers, incoming!" cried Doobage. "Ready the defensive magics!"
"Don't you mean 'offensive magics'?" Zork inquired.
"No, no, our Code of Peace prohibits attack with offensive magic," the
Electric Lord Mhonkam explained patiently. "However, if we're defending
ourselves, we're allowed to barbecue their butts, but good!"
The Lords created a 'Forbidding' in mid-air... they drew a cross with
their staves, and a blue 'X' hung briefly in the air before fading into haze.
The ur-Vipers charged towards the Lords, who continued to make preparations.
When the ur-Vipers hit the Forbidding, it seemed as though they had hit an
invisible electrified wall. Fourteen of them were dead before they realized
what happened. The rest lined up in a backslash formation and began directing
their energy against the Forbidding. As the Forbidding began to lose power, the
giants charged around the edges and through the ur-Viper line, disrupting their
formation and cutting the flow of power to their leader. Unfortunately, as
Electric Lord Mhonkam prepared to call fire down from the sky to destroy the
demoralized demons, Wild Child smashed a giantish stein over his head and
knocked him out. Wendy, the woman who had been found with Wild Child, had
seized Zork's mouth and was attempting to pry out his teeth when Holy Lord Cow
knocked her out with the jawbone of a jackass (which still had the jackass
attached!)
"She is beautiful," Cow murmured as he watched her fall to the ground.
"What a pity that she had to be a human."
"Do something, Filling-Bearer!" Mad Lord Mouser implored as Whiskey Lord
Willie wrestled Wild Child to the ground. "Kill the ur-Vipers! Quickly!"
"I don't know how to!" Zork yelled back as twenty-one ur-Vipers wrestled
GwiiiSter GinFeaster to the ground. The remaining thirty-seven circled SlashArt
BeerSwallower slowly.
Mouser had a plan. He quickly explained to the other Lords what they had
to do. Whiskey Lord Willie pulled out a pot of stew and called out to the
giants. Each of the giants, smelling the pungent stew, threw off the ur-Vipers
and charged towards the food (not even feeling the Forbidding dissipate as they
charged through it). Doobage sent clouds of his incense towards the ur-Vipers
to confuse them. Holy Lord Cow and Mad Lord Mouser then engaged the ur-Viper
priest in staff-to-staff combat, quickly subduing him. As the now-leaderless
ur-Vipers attemped to rally, Zork grinned, revealing his fillings. Utterly
demoralized, the remaining ur-Vipers turned tail and fled. As they ran off,
Zork sneezed and blasted the retreating ur-Vipers into cinders.
"Not too sporting, blasting them in the backs," Lord Cow exclaimed.
"What's your point?" asked Zork.
Later, after they revived Mhonkam and treated the giants' wounds, the Lords
debated on the proper treatment of Wild Child and Wendy.
"It isn't their fault!" Mouser exclaimed. "Foul obviously tampered with
their minds, so they'd be part of the trapped they sprung. We can't leave them
behind, and the healers at RavenStone might be able to cure them."
"We certainly can't take them with us," Willie replied. "We could never
trust them, and I do not wish to travel with Foul's agents."
"We shall restrain them for now, and will signal RavenStone to send a guard
quickly," Mhonkam decided, and resumed eating.
"Make sure it's not Cannon Ball," Zork requested.
The next evening Apprentice Drewman arrived to pick up the villagers. He
had driven his horse hard and long, and set it to rest. After a day he would
proceed back on foot slowly, using the horse to carry supplies. He was a very
rude adolescent, and the party was glad to see him leave.
"Do you really intend to make him a Lord?" Zork asked.
"Actually, we are hoping he'll opt for Unfettered status, and do his
service to the Land independantly," Mhonkam informed him. "He does have a
strong power, though. He will be Chillin' Lord Drewman, able to make anything
cold and frozen."
"I'll bet his girlfriend is frigid, too," jested Mouser.
"In the days to come we'll need all the help we can get, even his," Mhonkam
explained. If we lived in a perfect, peaceful world we wouldn't need Cannon
Ball's people or RavenStone either."
"No more talk," GwiiiSter said loudly.
"Time for more beer," SlashArt insisted, even more loudly. He pulled
another keg from the giants' provisions, and the humans were only too happy to
oblige.
The quest continued, surviving many traps and ambushes by ur-Vipers and
Cavewights. They fought their way through the Homer Hills, crawled through the
Swamp of the Supreme Sniper, and finally arrived at the entrance to the Chasms
of Purgatory. There, the party had to split into two groups, for the Giants
could not squeeze through Fat Man's Misery. They therefore had to go around the
Chasm to the only other entrance, the well-guarded Slasher's Summit. The party
hoped to re-unite somewhere in the Chasm, or to surround Drooling Worminator's
forces. In addition to the Disk of Law, the Electric Lord Mhonkam had high
hopes of capturing the ancient computer Worminator was using, thus making
available for use all of the Lords' old software.
"Good luck and Godspeed," the Mad Lord Mouser called out to the Giants.
"We hope to see thee well on the inside," Holy Lord Cow shouted.
"Fare thee well," Mhonkam said, swinging his fists and elbows back and
forth in a traditional gesture of fellowship and good will.
"You could at least leave us some of your beer," Zork Covenant grumbled.
The Lords crept through the pass which had been named Fat Man's Misery in a
distant time when travelers were still safe to go through the Chasms. An
Unfettered Lord named Honest Lord Artie had once lived in the Chasms, and had
died trying to keep the evil Cavewights from settling there. Travelers often
carried Chasm rocks with them hoping that the spirit of Honest Lord Artie would
protect them from any evil creatures they might encounter.
"Step carefully," Mhonkam warned the other members of the party. "Some
rocks are unstable, and there are pits that could easily drop you into dead-end
tunnels from which you could not climb out."
"Would that Apprentice Drewman or Cannon Ball were here, that we could push
them into such a crevice," Whiskey Lord Willie mused.
"Ah, yes," Smokin' Lord Doobage replied. "'Tis happy thoughts such as that
which will bring us through this mission intact."
Once into the Chasms, stealth was of the utmost importance. All talking
was kept to an absoulte minimum. Any missteps or moises made by any party
member was met by stern glances from the others. Mhonkam maintained order and
discipline with his unblinking stare which still cowed Zork and the other Lords.
Before Zork left RavenStone, he had overheard some of the hold's stewards
speculating that Mhonkam had had his eyelids removed to give a more impressive
appearance. Zork eventually grew to believe this story, although he still
discounted the spatula rumors as idle gossip.
After an eternity which had probably lasted about four hours, Holy Lord Cow
stopped the party. "I smell Cavewights," he whispered. "We'll probably have to
fight our way past patrols and guards from here on in. We're now in enemy
territory, people."
"I'll take care of them," Mhonkam decided. "We'll be going underground
soon, so I can use up my lightning powder on the early patrols now and we can
save our other resources for later." Mhonkam threw some powder into the wind
and chanted a few quick lines. Lightning came down from the heavens and
silently destroyed the small Cavewight encampment. "That's so much fun!"
Mhonkam exclaimed. "And to think my parents wanted me to be a farmer!"
The party, after this quick initial success, grew confident in their
purpose and felt assured that nothing could stop them in the completion of their
mission. Exactly nine minutes later, they were captured.
"Shit!" Mhonkam said in his usual, level voice as a rock struck his head
and knocked him unconscious. Another rock hit Zork Covenant and the Holy Lord
Cow almost immediately thereafter. The rest of the party jumped into cover,
dragging their fallen comrades with them.
"They're on the cliff walls!" Mad Lord Mouser told the others, who had
already figured this particular fact out for themselves. "They must have
targeted the party members who they saw as the biggest threat. That lightning
strike was too visible."
"Biggest threat, eh?" Smokin' Lord Doobage stammered back. "I think I'm
going to take our current unmolested state as an insult."
"Here, drink some of this," Whiskey Lord Willie suggested, passing some of
his stew to the others. "It will make you feel better."
After gulping down some of the stew, the Lords felt better. "Okay, first,
Doobage, set up a defense with your pot," Mouser commanded. Doobage pulled out
a brass pot and burnt some of his herbs, creating a smoke screen. "Now, let's
go out there and GET THEM!"
The remaining Lords charged out of the cave, and were immediately tackled
by the muscle-bound Cavewights. The last sound Mouser heard before losing
consciousness was Whiskey Lord Willie screaming: "Get them? That was your
plan? GET THEM?!?"
Zork Covenant and the five Lords were carried into the caverns by the
Cavewights and deposited on the ground before Drooling Worminator. They were
placed in chains and awoke over the course of the next two hours. Before they
could complain or protest, another group of Cavewights carried in SlashArt
BeerSwallower and GwiiiSter GinFeaster. "The Giants apparantly drank themselves
unconscious," Worminator told the Lords. "My guards just followed their snoring
to find them."
Zork watched the guards carry in the two unconscious Giants. It took
thirteen cavewights to carry each Giant, and the guards dropped the giants in a
corner. "It will take another hour for us to drag back chains thick enough to
bind them," said the leader of the guards, Homey the Cavewight. "But they look
like they'll probably sleep through their own executions come dawn." Homey
turned and led his guards back out the way they came.
Drooling Worminator wasted no time. Slowly walking past the Giants toward
the chained Lords, the Cavewight king began to gloat. "O puny Lords! I,
Drooling Worminator, have captured you all! I have also captured the White Gold
fillings of the Unblemished One! And, with the Disk of Law, I will RULE this --
AAAACCKK!!!"
As the Cavewight loped past the Giants, a large, muscular arm snaked out
and grabbed his leg. SlashArt BeerSwallower casually flipped Worminator over
his shoulder and into a particularly large and spiky stalactite as GwiiiSter
GinFeaster got up and began freeing the Lords. "Did you really think that
Giants would drink themselves senseless, at a time like this?" GwiiiSter asked.
"It takes a lot more than sixteen hogsheads of ale to smash the likes of us!"
"We had a plan," SlashArt added, breaking the stalactite so that it fell
onto Worminator's head. "Instead of trying to find the Cavewights, we just made
a lot of noise and let them find us."
"Brilliant!" Mad Lord Mouser exclaimed as he was released from bondage.
"Why didn't we think of that?" Holy Lord Cow asked.
"Because no sober person could have conceived of such a scheme," High Lord
Mhonkam answered. "Incredibly stupid, yet simplistically ingenious. We can
learn a lot from our Giant friends."
"Yeah," GwiiiSter said. "Let me teach you how to make obscene noises with
your armpits..."
"Watch this motion!" SlashArt announced. He threw two rocks, one forward,
one over his left shoulder. They each ricocheted twice and simultaneously hit
both of Worminator's ears.
"Look over there!" Smokin' Lord Doobage exclaimed, brushing smoke out of
his eyes. "It's the Disk of Law!"
"And over there!" Whiskey Lord Willie pointed, and then grimaced as
SlashArt did something particularly nasty to Drooling Worminator's left arm.
Willie looked away as GwiiiSter did the same thing to the Cavewight's other arm,
and then continued: "It's an actual computer! One of the old Lords'! With the
'IBM' runes on it!"
"It will run ALL of our old software!" Mhonkam exclaimed in wonder.
"Well," Zork said, noticing the 'jr' runes after the 'IBM', "not really.
But it will run SOME of it..." The Lords, staring at the computer and listening
to Zork, didn't notice the Giants wiping the mud off of their feet on
Worminator's chest. "What you really need," Zork continued, "is an IBM card for
your Macintoshes." Suddenly, Zork started to fade away. "Then you would be
able to -- What's HAPPENING?!?"
"It seems as though you are returning to your world," Mhonkam observed.
"Now that Worminator has met a particularly messy death, his summoning of you is
losing its power, and you are being drawn back to where you belong."
"You'll have to stop by again some time," Mouser exclaimed.
"Thanks a lot, dude," Doobage yelled, tossing him some weed.
"You're welc --" Zork said, and then he was gone.
"-- come!" Zork muttered, and then looked around. He saw brown and black
everywhere. He slowly pulled his face up from the parking lot and looked
around. It looked as though the entire student body was standing around the
parking lot, staring at him. Zork Covenant looked a third time, and saw some
people he had never seen before, and others that he had seen in other places. It
seems as though people had been brought over from other schools just to see him
face-down in the Mount Saint Charles parking lot.
"Oh, the poor pizza-face fell down!" A familiar voice yelled. Zork wasn't
sure, but he thought that it sounded like his brother. Zork felt his face, and
was shocked to find that his pimples were back. He also felt blood.
"What are you all staring at?" he raged, charging at the crowd. A path
opened before him, and he staggered to his car.
"And don't come back!" yelled another voice, probably a teacher's.
"Pimpled outcast unclean! Hellfire!" Zork yelled. He stormed out of the
parking lot and sped home faster than he had ever gotten his Rabbit to go
before. A cop saw him speeding by, but recognized the car and let him go by.
"How was your day at school?" Zork's mother asked. Zork left the question
unanswered as he marched to his room and slammed the door behind him.
"Zork spazzed out in school today," Zork's brother informed his mother,
walking in a minute later.
"Thanks, dear. I'll talk to him after dinner. Spaghetti all right?"
Zork buried his face in his pillow. He thought of his adventures with the
Lords, and wondered if they were just a dream. "Maybe I got a concussion when I
fell," Zork thought. "Hellfire. That's the last thing I need." The sudden
change from being an important and powerful person to the nerd with the chronic
acne problem brought tears to his eyes. He closed his eyes and tried to picture
himself back in the Land. Unsuccessful, he fell asleep and missed spaghetti,
his favorite dinner.
Thus ends "Sergeant Foul's Bane", the first book of the Chronicles of Zork
Covenant the Unblemished. Tune in sometime soon, maybe, if I give a damn, for
the second book: "The Illin' War". Be true!