From the Stars to the Gutter

Last night Los Angeles was drained of star power because super-agencies WME and CAA had house parties with ridiculous security. Things we discovered: bribing people is harder than you think, security guards are scary and we belong among the dregs.

We had high hopes of breaking into CAA partner Bryan Lourd or WME honcho Ari Emanuel's house parties. We drove down leafy roads among mansions worth tens of millions of dollars with various cunning, Mossad-esque plans. We even had a ladder in the trunk. And then we pulled up outside Bryan Lourd's house to take this innocuous picture of his front door.

Lourd represents, or has represented, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Robert De Niro and Tom Cruise among others, so we figured that it was worth being brave to sneak in and surround ourselves with the mega-wattage of true Hollywood. We had visions of laughing with George about our antics. Drinking with Brad. Getting De Niro to say "you talking to me" on voicemails to our mothers.

And then two angry, Blackwater-looking security guards in khaki fatigues and windbreakers, a Swiss Guard if you will, sprinted at high speed down the road towards us shouting things, doubtless about the pre-eminence of CAA in Hollywood life and the many achievements of Bryan Lourd. And we shat ourselves and drove away. But not before trying to bribe a valet from Chuck's Parking who was snoozing in a van nearby. "I can't get you in," he said, plainly. So we asked if he could text us updates on whose cars he parked. "No." Window rolled up. Even CAA's Oscar party valets take the oath of omerta.

And then we found our true position in life at the OK! party. Where we hung out with... Audrina Patridge. Who we were trying to get as Gawker's LA intern. "It's Oscar weekend though, you know," her publicist said, mysteriously, since we don't think she's nominated or attending. Kendra Wilkinson also told us she could not gain valuable work experience because she is under exclusive with E! for the Oscars. Other people had bad hair. Rejected by everyone else, we felt a kinship with them that cannot be put into words.