‘Hawaii Five-0’: You clean up good, McGarrett

Moonlight is at Moku Cuts enjoying an early morning old-school straight-razor shave. Barber Odell is bemoaning the in-and-out, quick cut business model of chain salons. He says there’s no personal touch. No familiarity. It’s a sacrilege! Also, Odell is played by Michael Imperiolli, who will always be CHRIS-tuh-FUH from The Sopranos to me. However, I’m going to call him Odell because …

drum drum drum SHOUT OUT!

I’m not quite sure how Therese managed to get a personal shout out ahead of me, but a shout out for one is a shout out for all, right? TEAM TUBULAR!

Moonlight is only half listening to either of us. His mind is occupied with thoughts of Doris, which are soon dispelled by a cold soothing towel and Odell’s custom hibiscus aftershave. “You clean up nice, McGarrett.” Could we have all episodes start this way from now on? Moonlight downloading his week’s troubles while Odell gently caresses his face? Everybody needs a little ‘me’ time. Odell admires his work and says he’d love to get his shears into McG’s partner. “That cat’s got a helluva head of hair.” Moonlight jokes that he’s been chasing Caano around with a pair of scissors for five years. “He’s very precious about that ‘do, trust me.” As he should be, with hair game that strong.

Odell is about to attend to McG’s locks – high and tight, don’t touch the sideburns – when Josh from The Originals bursts through the door. He’s been shot in the leg. I thought Klaus agreed to stop trying to kill him as an olive branch to Davina? Anyhoo, Josh says he just witnessed a murder, and now the killers are after him. Odell can’t call 911 because he had a “falling out” with the phone company years ago and he doesn’t do cells. Moonlight applies pressure to the wound and tosses his keys to Odell. His cell phone is in his truck. O rly? That seems unlikely. But it does make for a convenient plot device when two black SUVs full of Russian army rejects pull up. Moonlight steps into the doorway, identifies himself, and orders the men to drop their weapons. They open fire instead.

Hey, what’s happening in this week’s B-plot? Hurley’s been arrested? Picked out of a line up and accused of committing a violent home invasion, you say? Hurley has seen Locked up Abroad. He knows how his story is going to end. “I’ll be like the next Hurricane! Which would be cool if Bob Dylan wrote a song about me.”

Max confirms Hurley’s alibi. They were together at a magic show Magic the Gathering tournament during the home invasion. Max is eager to help his friend, but worried that the gambling they both took part in could blemish his exemplary record. Jin makes him a deal – he’ll keep the gambling under his hat if Max donates all of his winnings to the HPD Widows and Orphans Fund. So, so many widows and orphans.

Jin continues looking into the home invasions. There have been three over the past few days, each one escalating in violence. The three victims lived alone, were recently divorced, and all used the same law firm. The same clerk worked on all three cases. A bald, clean-shaven clerk. There’s no one else at the firm who fits the 300 pound, long curly-haired description – except for clerk Levi’s cousin. He got him a job in the mailroom as a favor for his auntie. Levi says he knew it was a bad idea. They come around the corner, and cousin Tauna is their guy. Grover tells him to go ahead if he’s thinking about doing a runner. He’ll get thrown a beating Grover swears the man will never forget. He backs Tauna up against the wall. Grover gives him the once over. “Alright, maybe the hair …” If anything, the guy looks like Bob Hoskins in a Slash wig.

Hurley is overcome with relief when Jin springs him. His (two-hour) nightmare is finally over. “I want my first meal as a free man to be tacos. Or pizza. Pizza tacos.” Tauna is being brought in as Hurley and Jin walk out of the station. “Is that him? I don’t see it.”

Seriously, Show? Seriously? 20 solid minutes of gunfire in this episode, yet you couldn’t give us the assault on the oil refinery last week? That is some weak sauce. Also, with all this SHOOTING SHOOTING SHOOTING, McG must be running low on ammo. At least that’s what the Russians are counting on. Moonlight yells that HPD will be there any minute, and they won’t be low on rounds. Yeah, except that most of the force was killed a few weeks ago during the assault on the jewelry store, so.

Odell’s is the only shop open in the mostly commercial strip and the nearest residential area is several blocks away. McG estimates it will take HPD several minutes to pinpoint their location. Odell is all like, WE’RE THE ONLY BUSINESS ON THE ISLAND UNDER SEIGE. HPD should be able to just follow the pings of the shell casings as they hit the pavement. Odell notes there’s like, a million of them laying around. Can they recycle them? Pack them with salt? He’s heard that can work in some cases. Moonlight is going to pretend he didn’t just say that.

Odell realizes they have another option – he can drop the security gate. He would have mentioned it sooner, but it’s not every day he has bullets flying at his head. Well, not every day since he left New Jersey, but he doesn’t like to talk about that period of his life. The gate isn’t automatic, because of course it isn’t. Odell says he just needs to open the door and pull the gate down. Moonlight tells him to move fast and keep his head down. “Inspiring words. Thank you.” Okay, on McG’s mark … “I don’t know what that means.” Hee! It means when Moonlight says go, GO! “Well say that, then.” Make a note, Show. More Odell, please. Odell and Moonlight banter is gold.

Moonlight doesn’t say ‘go’ though, he just counts to three and then starts shooting with the precious few rounds he has left. Odell darts out the door and yanks the chain. A Russian bullet slo-mo hurtles through the air at him. The gate slides down just in the nick. “Fast enough for ya?”

While they wait for help, McG tries to keep Josh alive by SHOVING A STYPTIC PENCIL INTO THE FOOL BULLET HOLE. EEP! That has got to sting. Moonlight tries to distract him by asking what happened earlier that morning. Josh tells them about witnessing the execution style murder in the alley behind the bakery where he works. He knows the men, but not their names. They’re part of an Armenian gang that runs his whole neighborhood. Josh says that even if he gets out of this, he’s dead. Moonlight promises he’s not going to let that happen.

An HPD patrol car responds to the anonymous call of shots fired. Oh, dear. The officer gets out of the car and steps on several inches of broken glass and shell casings. Oh, no. Moonlight hears the car’s radio with his super special vampire hearing, and realizes the danger the officer is in. He pounds on the inside of the security gate, yelling at him to get out of there. It’s too late. Through the metal they hear the sound of a single gun shot. Well, just add that murder to Moonlight’s Dean Winchester-high pile of trauma and guilt. The Armenian trigger man gets back on the radio and calls in a 10-8, 60. Josh asks what 10-8, 60 means. “It means no one else is coming.”

Moonlight points at the vent grate in the ceiling. If he can crawl through the air duct into the floral shop next door, he can pick up a nice arrangement for the fallen HPD officer and the kid when he eventually bleeds out. And also use their phone to call 911. McG pulls a low filing cabinet away from the wall and knocks over Odell’s framed Fordham law degree. “I just blew your mind, didn’t I?” Moonlight wants to know more, but Odell isn’t proud of the degree and is done talking about it. McG calls foul. He told Odell everything about his mother! “She aided and abetted a man who was trying to kill me for years, then she went into hiding so I couldn’t call her on it.” Odell hasn’t been around long enough to know that, ‘Doris is the worst’ is really all that needs to be said.

Moonlight checks out the duct and determines the space is too small for him to fit into. Oh, come on. That’s not the Groundskeeper Willie spirit!

(listal.com)

While they’re considering their next move, the roaring buzz of a chainsaw fills the air. The Armenians had the same thought about using the florist shop. They’re coming in through the drywall. CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING.

“So you’re a barber, you’re a lawyer, and you’re an explosives expert.” Moonlight and Odell set to work mixing up a molotov cocktail. Odell explains that his barber grandfather Jack learned the recipe from a regular during World War II. Hair dye and aftershave. “Trust me, it’ll burn.” Odell sets the wick and hands off the glass container. He’s a pacifist. This is all Moonlight. Wait for it … Wait for it … The last cut is made and the wall falls forward. Moonlight throws the incendiary on the ground. The glass shatters and the two Armenians are engulfed in flames. McG him-fus them and gives the all clear.

McG calls it in from the floral shop’s phone. Two more Armenians come in through the back. I’d like to see the deleted scene of this call from the HPD dispatcher’s point of view. Moonlight on the line. Shots fired in the background. Shrug. Must be Tuesday. The leader of the hit squad suddenly opens his eyes and puts a single round in Josh’s shoulder. SHOOT HIM AGAIN, MCG! No, seriously. Shoot him again. That guy must be Russian, because if we’ve learned anything from LOST, it’s that the Russian guys never go down on the first try.

Moonlight covers Odell and Josh across the street and into Odell’s car. There’s no time to wait for an ambulance. Moonlight holds out his gun. Odell balks. He’s a pacifist. He doesn’t do guns. “Today, you do guns.” McG also doesn’t wait for backup. He gets in his truck and races to the market that Armenian boss Dobrian uses as a front. McG walks in wearing his tac vest and places the man under arrest. What’s the charge? RUINING HIS MORNING ABLUTIONS! Dobrian says the murder never happened. His son lied … Josh is a vampire! He’s been eating children in the neighborhood! Dobrian had to kill him!

In the car, Josh’s super special vampire healing is kicking in. He’s feeling much better. He points the gun at Odell and forces him to drive to the marina. Moonlight and two of HPD’s remaining six officers race towards Dobrian’s boat. Josh holds the gun on Odell and threatens to shoot. Moonlight lays out his options. “You shoot him, I shoot you. You don’t shoot him, I still shoot you.” I assume McG is just stalling to allow Boomer time to get into position and snipe the krep out of the kid. Instead, Odell throws his head back, butting Josh in the face. He drops to the deck, and McG drops Josh with two in the chest.

He checks on Odell and helps him to his feet. He thought Odell was a pacifist. “Today I’m making an exception.”

Dobrian is being held in the blue room of interrogation. He thanks Moonlight for doing what he couldn’t. McG asks him to help close the case and give the victims’ families closure. Dobrian sends him down to the basement of his home. There’s a door with four latches, each secured with heavy padlocks. The door opens into a small storage room. Josh’s trophies are on the work bench along with a plain, brown shoebox. Moonlight pulls out a thick stack of snapshots bound together with a single metal ring. The first two pictures are of a girl and a boy. They’re maybe 5 or 6. They’re both dirty and look scared and confused. We don’t see any of the others, but Moonlight fights back tears as he flips through them, finally breaking down as the screen goes to black.

This is Whitney, inviting you to be with us next week. Be here, Friday at 8:00 p.m. on CBS. Aloha.