Thursday, December 1, 2011

It has been a full two years since I held my daughters safely in my belly. A full two years since I felt Emilyn dancing around on bottom, and Hailey kicking and jabbing up top. Since I had the pure innocence knowing that sometime in March or April I would be bringing my girls home because things always go perfectly in pregnancy. Since I cradled their tiny bodies, caressed their oh so soft cheeks, and kissed their cold little button noses. I long with all of my being to go back to those precious moments to get in one more snuggle, one more kiss, one more picture, even if only for a second.

Those first few weeks and months after losing the girls were unimaginable. I was hit with wave after wave of grief, only getting enough time between them to just barely catch my breath. Then after about three months, I started getting a little more time to breathe. A little more time to recover. A little more time to feel more like myself. I started smiling more, enjoying things more, and living again.

Now, two years on, there has been so much healing. I am no longer a shell of myself, I'm me, the new me. I can think of Emilyn and Hailey and smile. I can look at baby girls most of the time without pain, I no longer cringe at the sight of them and pretend they aren't there. I still ache every time I see twin babies, and hear the word twins though. But now I can see older twins and not hurt. I saw twin girls that are turning seven in a few days, smiled and wondered what that life must be like, without pain. I don't cry every day for them, or even every month. But the pain does come back, and I do cry, and I'm okay with that. I've embraced it. Despite the all of the healing that is happened, the wound will never be completely gone. Time just doesn't heal certain wounds.

- Visited with Santa Clause for the first time! He wasn't too sure of him when Mommy walked away but was loving him when she was standing near!

- Continuing to love his baths! He doesn't want to get out of them!

- Went and helped mommy and daddy pick out his very first Christmas tree from the farm.

First sight of the Christmas tree all decorated and lit up!

What he can do:
- Mastered the art of crawling on all fours on Thanksgiving Day, November 24
- Waved hi for the first time at the early birthday party for the girls' on November 26
- Got onto his ride-on dinosaur all by himself on December 9

Monday, November 14, 2011

* Got diagnosed with strep throat on October 20 after mommy spotted a sore on the roof of his mouth.

Not when he was sick, but loving the snuggles

* Went to a March of Dimes conference in Washington DC to see all of his Aunties that "met" him last year while he was still in mommy's tummy!

* After the conference, went to visit the Jabers, one of his mom's best friends, up in Philadelphia

* Celebrated his second Halloween! Last year he went as an M&M, this year he chose to be a dragon!

* Visited Arbuckle Wilderness and feed all the animals there. He saw Emus, Alpacas, Donkeys, Zebras, Rhinos, Hyenas, and many other animals!

* Went hiking at the Chickasaw National Recreation Area!

What he can do:

* Learned how to pull up to standing from a seated position on October 25 using the Jaber's coffee table.

* Learned how to sit up from a laying position on October 26 during nap time! With above mentioned skill, I'm now screwed! Nothing is safe!
* Was standing up in his bed waiting for mommy to come get him, and screaming at her to come faster on October 27

The result of learning to stand up in his crib, he doesn't want to go down to sleep and will stand there and scream until I come to get him! He gets very sad when I insist that it is nap time

* Cruised from one end of the couch to the other to try to get mommy's phone, this was after transferring from sitting on his dinosaur scooter/walker to standing at the couch October 27
* Took his first "steps" crawling on hands and knees on November 4, only a few at a time though!
* Mastered the art of cruising on November 9! Made it from one side of the couch to the other in about three seconds flat!
* Can eat almost any table food you give to him! He's kinda slow at it though so we still give him some purees when he's willing and not bored with them. Kinda hard to eat much when you've only got two teeth!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I'm not a very religious person. I don't go to church, I've only gone a handful of times since I was twelve. But I do believe in God. And I believe he is there for me whenever I need, and that he answers prayers. I believe that my girls are in Heaven, and that when I die I will see them again. I hope that I will get to see them grow up from the tiny babies I knew. I will always miss not seeing their first smile, first day at Kindergarten or their college graduation. I was mad at God after losing the girls, pissed beyond belief. Someone told me I could not be mad at him. I replied that yes I could, he can handle it, he's God!! Anyway, one of the things in particular bothered me in the days after losing the girls was seeing people who had their child live, and said "God answered my prayers, he is good!" Or "Have faith, and God will answer your prayers!" Things like that were a little twist of the knife already in my heart. It says that, because they prayed hard enough, God answered their prayers and saved their child. Which also implies that the reason that he didn't save my girls is because I didn't pray hard enough, or believe strong enough. In discussions with a dear angel mommy friend of mine, she hit the nail on the head, and also shared a link that I'll post below. People saying the above are both right and wrong. God didn't answer their prayers because they believed enough, or prayed hard enough. He just answered their prayers with a yes. God answered my prayers too. He just said no, or not now. He didn't kill them, he just didn't give me the miracle I so desperately wanted. I will never know his reasoning, nor do I really care because no reason here on earth could make losing my girls ok. But he did answer my prayer too, regardless of if it was the answer I wanted or not. I also prayed that if my girls were going to die anyway, to just take them then instead of having me sit in the hospital for weeks on end only for them to go into the NICU and get poked, prodded and hurt only to die anyway. To that, he said yes.

Friday, October 14, 2011

What he's been up to:
* Went to the state fair! He checked out the chickens and goats, and tried grabbing for a bunny! He also saw some cows, horses, baby chicks, pigs, butterflies and all kinds of insects but they didn't move much so he didn't pay them all that much attention.

* Went to the zoo with Mommy and Daddy and his Uncle George and Aunt Jessica along with his cousins Jacob, Brittany, and Hunter!

Checking out the elephants

* Loves sitting on one of his "Christmas" presents from Grammy and Grandpa, he hasn't really figured out forward or backwards momentum yet, but chewing on the spikes is fun enough!

* Visited a local pumpkin patch for a little photo op!

* Went to a little kids Christmas party and had fun playing with his friend Courtney. More like trying to thieve her shoes than playing though, lol

What he can do:
* Started getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth on September 17! Even occasionally goes backwards on accident!

* Had his first forward momentum with army crawling on September 21! So far he's "gotten" Molly, all of her toys, the babies r us ad, and all of his other toys! He's also started exploring the house into the kitchen, and guest room, and especially the little springy door stopper by the front door. It makes cool sounds. His favorite toys are the dog's toys.

* Stand up from sitting by just holding onto mommy's fingers.

* He let go with one hand while standing up on September 29 for a few seconds!

* Pulled up to his knees on the tv stand for the first time on October 7, we're in trouble!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

* Mommy and Elim spent the night back and Grammy and Grandpa's while his Daddy and Papa went down to Texas to watch a baseball game! His face lights up every time he sees Grammy, Grandpa and Papa!

* Loving his new ring sling we got custom made by Piper the babywearing Doula!!

* He's become a pro at solids! Thus far he's tried and loved butternut squash, carrots, squash with corn and green beans. He tolerates rice cereal, sweet potatoes and apples. He is NOT a fan of sweet peas, as you can see by the picture below. That's ok though, his mommy isn't either! We did try oatmeal, but it didn't sit well with his tummy so we're holding off on that for awhile.

* This right was one of his most fun meal times, he ate carrots, which are his favorite! He also tried his hand at a mum mum and even got some water! He experimented with which part to suck on, and I don't think he actually drank more than a swig or two.

* He's learned to untie his bumpers, pull them down and even stick his legs out a time or two! This is how I find him most mornings, he knows which direction he'll see mommy coming in the room!

* Got all prepped for a couple college football games!

* Made his first trip to the playground and loved swinging on the baby swing! Much more fun than his baby swing at home he never liked.

* Got diagnosed with his first ear infection on September 9, and received his first prescription for antibiotics. He's taken it in stride, and is still doing wonderfully! The only way I knew something was up is because he was taking much shorter naps and was a teensy bit fussy, which is definitely not normal for him! He seems to be feeling back to his normal happy, silly self!

* Trying to get everything out of the way all at once, he started showing signs of teething on September 9th and his first corner of his bottom right front tooth was popping through by September 11th! You have to work to see it still, but if you run your finger across his gums you can now feel the entire top of his tooth poking through.

* His newest sound is the growl, and he does it all the time, adorable!!

What he can do:

* Still working on getting up on his knees! He hasn't quite figured out the crawling thing, which mommy is totally fine with!

* He is a pivoting master now, he turns around in circles in 2 seconds flat.

* Sitting up like a pro! He can sit up indefinitely playing with his toys now, only falls when he gets really excited or wants a toy that isn't within his reach.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

What he's up to:
* Living with Grammy and Grandpa while waiting for our household goods to arrive! They finally did and we moved into our house on August 8. Though without cable, internet, washer dryer and a car we stayed with Grammy and Grandpa for a little while longer until the second car arrived.

*Had lots of fun watching the movers unpack all of our things, and loved sleeping in his comfy crib instead of the hard pack n play! He doesn't even like sleeping with mommy any more since it's so comfy! :(

* Is only contained by baby jail, we've got it wrapped around our couch to both keep him contained and separate him and the dog when mommy has to leave the room and can't supervise.

* Visited Papa for his 58th Birthday as well as his cousin Hunter for his 10th birthday!

What he can do:
* Figured out how to roll in succession on July 24, he's rolling across the floor at the speed of lightning now! Time to babyproof!

* Starting to figure out how to lift his bottom up on July 25, one of the first steps of crawling. Where's the pause button?!

* First play-related injury on July 25 when he pulled his steering wheel toy down into his face and bumped above his left eye. Just a few seconds of crying and he was ok though!

* Since learning to pull his bottom up he's on occasion accidentally scootched forward a few inches and in his crib when he's mad he'll get up on his knees at elbows. Though I'm sure that's totally unintentional!

* Had his first taste of solids on his six month birthday. Before then he's had a baby mum mum here and there but nothing real substantial. We tried oatmeal first and he wasn't quite sure about it. We got the silliest faces out of him even though he was trying to help out! We're hoping to go the baby-led weaning approach if his pediatrician gives us the go ahead. I think he would approve.