June 2008

Wanted: A confused pile of filth that sets action movies back twelve years. Of all the violence that occurs in the film, the most painful thing to watch is Angelina Jolie. A non-actor whose acting prowess is about as strong as her 80 pound scarecrow body, she fits perfectly into a movie like ‘Wanted’. For, this movie is not about acting, storytelling, or even attention gathering. It is a perfect “non-film”. It is the corn flakes in the meat loaf of summer movies-pure filler that is just there. The disgust that it displays for its viewers, (“I was once normal and pathetic like you” says a voice over to the audience) it shows for the medium of movie making. Muddled and without vision or creativity or even the effort to ‘phone it in’, this is a creative endeavor similar to a drunk 15 year-old spray painting “Megaballs” on a Burger King’s dumpster.

Indiana Jones and The George Lucas Shitball: I’ve seen Indiana Jones’ last installment twice now and I had really hoped that the second viewing would prove me wrong in my initial judgment that it was as exciting as a toupe colored insane asylum’s bathroom. Instead I found that whatever fun I had imaged in the first viewing was really just a reaction to eating my Peanut M&M’s too fast. Rule #1: George Lucas is about as cool as Condie Rice’s war planning parties, and Rule #2: Steven Spielberg should be freed from his “Best Friends Forever” pledge he made with Lucas at summer camp.

Iron Man and Hulk: Men and violence.

Speed Racer: Actually, probably for all its faults, might be the most fun I’ve had a movie this summer.
Note: ‘fun’ doesn’t mean necessarily ‘good’. I laughed, and the audience I saw it with was all into it, so it was fun.

A word about movie audiences: I don’t know what’s happened, but seeing a movie on an opening weekend has become the most traumatic thing I now do. People talking through the entirety of a movie, people screaming at each other, fights nearly breaking out, drunk homeless people talking loudly to the racist and classist delight (which is probably more appropriately self hating unease), people chewing gum loudly, etc.
The experience of being with an audience has proven much more frightful and engaging than the movies themselves. Is this a reaction to the tripe that’s being screened? Are people taking it upon themselves to create and feed of an inhumane and disjointed ‘interaction’ with others for the catharsis and emotive stimulus that our modern art cannot provide?
A dark room filled with anonymous people and the ability to hold them as a captive audience brings out some interesting social situations.
Or…I must wonder how much is it a cultural expectation that a movie be watched for what it is? Maybe like a curator at a museum, I’m wanting to enforce an unnatural reaction to a work of art: “No! Don’t touch the statue!” “But it’s pretty to look at, and even better to touch!”
What is art anyway? What is the communal experience of art about? Are we being bound together, all of us, by the experience? Just as I want everything else in my life sanitized and solitary, maybe I’m just expecting that of my filmic viewing. Sheesh. Its getting harder and harder to watch and criticize movies.

Yeah I hear there’s a war between nations and generals
but all I wanna do is get a hold of your genitals
Why should we worry about some fabled U-boats
when we got this beautiful vista and ship load of scrots?
The Ottoman Empire is causing grief
now show me what you got goin’ on in those briefs!
A cruise across the Atlantic is soundin’ quite quant,
now don’t mind me as I size up your taint.

I see your scrot is Bic-ed
so let’s get sea sic-ed
Until we gets blowed up
let’s get that chode up
Just because it is now World War One
doesn’t mean that we can’t have some fun!

(folk song break down a la Gordon Lightfoot)
The legend lives on from the British Isles on down
Of the sex cruise they call the Lusitan-y
The sea, it is said, a perfect place for some head
When the skies of Nineteen Fifteen turn gloomy.

With a load of hot chum during World War One
The dress of the Lusitania’s crew was skimpy
That good ship its true had some bones to be chewed
And the deckhands were feelin’ quite squirrelly

The ship was the pride of the American side
more heady than the beer from Wisconsin
And as codpieces go it had bigger than most
With a crew and the Captain well seasoned.

(Back breakin’ beatz)
yeah! If you get a sinking feelin’
itz because I’m going down
if you feel the sea is reeling
itz becuase I’m going down!

Lusitania! Lusitania! (etc, with moans and audio of the Kaiser)

*This song is dedicated in loving memory to the victims of the Lusitania.

You all should know how much I adore colonial-style wigs. In fact, once upon a time I hosted a Wig Party with freshly brewed mead!! But the portraits below aren’t of any old wigs, mind you. These wigs just might save the world!

The artist, Justin Richel, has a lovely and reasonably-priced Etsy shop and I just ordered the mushroom print for my friends Jared and Becky. Don’t tell them; it’s a surprise!

My mom took an online class through a church once
and told me all about it, so I pretty much have a handle on what’s what.

Seriously, I know my shit. I’ve got a well-read issue of
“People” if you don’t believe me.
I just got done reading a synopsis of some book about evolution
on an advertisement display at my local Christian bookstore,
so if you want some knowledge thrown your way, lemme know.