10 Funniest Joan Rivers Quotes

10 Funniest Joan Rivers Quotes

We are all very excited that American comedy and entertainment legend Joan Rivers is on her way back to the UK.

Since the 80-year-old icon will bring her distinctive, irreverent brand of comedy to venues across the UK we thought it would be a good idea to collect ten of her finest quotes here for you all to enjoy.

On being single:

1. I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: ‘Last Girl Before Freeway.’

2. A girl, you’re 30 years old, you’re not married—you’re an old maid. A man, he’s 90 years old, he’s not married—he’s a catch.

3. A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.

4. I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

5. Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

6. Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.

7. When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years—we were on the freeway at the time.

On gay marriage:

8. Gay marriage—I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

On love:

9. My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.

10. Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!