Life is like a 5th grade slumber party: a mix of love, friendship, gossip, food, laughs, heartache, and cute pajamas.

Friday, October 30, 2009

The Great Halloween Candy Control Conspiracy

World domination is so much easier than I ever dreamed it could be.

It started out innocently enough. When the calendar turned to October, I set up my office Halloween decorations and filled my little pumpkin pots with candy corn. Just regular old Brach's candy corn, nothing added. A little food coloring and a lot of corn syrup (candy corn syrup, I'm betting) - that's it. I didn't soak them in LSD or lace them with Oxycontin. Out of the bag, into the buckets. Girl Scout's honor.

After a few days I noticed something interesting. All sorts of folks came to visit me in my office on some pretense or another. A little chatter, plus a dip or two or three into the candy corn pot. Some picked at the goodies unconsciously; some admitted outright that they came for the corn.

It didn't take long for my buckets to empty, so I made another Duane Reade candy corn run and replenished the supply. In all, I topped up the pots four times.

This week has been particularly stressful, so the corn level hit bottom early yesterday morning. By the afternoon, panicked people were popping into my office only to discover - oh, no! - no candy corn. I was even accused of plotting complete control of my co-workers by stringing them along with the goodies, then suddenly taking away the candy corn, causing the staff to willingly sell their souls to the Candy Corn Queen just for a nibble.

"Well, that was easy," I said to myself. No cunning plan. No fancy weapons. Anyone, anywhere can be controlled by whoever holds the candy corn. Now that I know this, I plan to use it to bring peace on earth and extreme personal wealth for myself. I think that's fair, don't you?

Alas, I fear this particular form of total human domination will fade at midnight October 31. Which sets me thinking - hmmmmmm. How can I keep everyone under my power in November, eh?

By the way, the candy corn is again spilling over the top, dear co-workers. Why don't you drop by? Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaah!