Tag Archives: dana perino

Oh look, here is former George W. Bush spokesditz and current Fox Blonde Dana Perino, doing a dumb on the teevee again. Yes, again. What crawled up her butt and died this time? Did her husband get arrested some more? No, it’s The Media (stupid media, you stupids!), of which she is definitely not a member, even though she is on a show called “The Five,” on Fox News, which supposedly does news and is therefore The Media, so what the flippity fuck is she even blah-blahing about? She is all riled up because no one in The Media is covering these bogus sting videos of Planned Parenthood at all, which you probably haven’t heard about because The Media refuses to report on them (five million different ways), and which, according to dumb dick cohost Fox Guy are EVEN WORSE than those terrible videos of ISIS beheadings. Seriously.
Read more on Fox Genius Dana Perino Real Upset People Hate Torture More Than They Love Babies…

Confirmed bachelor and official ladies’ man Sen. Lindsey Graham, who is under the impression he is running for president, got asked a real tough question Tuesday: Hey, since you don’t have a pretty, doting wife, who will be the First Lady of America when you are president? Graham’s answer was very bad! No for serious, this is what he said, to the Daily Mail:
Read more on President Lindsey Graham Doesn’t Need First Lady, Hos Can Just Take Turns…

Hillary Clinton pleasantly surprised the hell out of us Thursday by calling for every American to be automatically registered to vote at 18, following the lead of Oregon, which passed universal registration earlier this year.
Read more on Tyrant Hillary Clinton Will Haul All Americans Off To Voting Camps…

It’s Graduation Season, and time for all kinds of inspiring thoughts from Olds to Youngs, mostly aimed at telling the Youngs to not fuck things up as badly as the Olds did. One exception, of course, was Kurt Vonnegut, who reminded graduates at Bennington in 1970 that they couldn’t possibly hope to save the world because they had no money or power: “You don’t even know how to handle dynamite.” But he nonetheless urged them, once they did gain some money and power, to work for a form of socialist government. That’s still much better advice than the thoughts on success ladled out by two of Fox’s The Five Monday.
Read more on Fox Host To Grads: Want To Save The World? Go Work For Big Oil…

Sometimes we hate President Obama because he is golfing or dictator-ing or bad-tan-suiting or presidenting while black. But today, kids, we get to hate him for sightseeing. Neat!
See, the president is off in Merry Ol’ Britainland, which is even more foreign and exotic than Hawaii, having some NATO meetings with some world leaders, which is dumb because a real leader doesn’t need those other dumb countries to tell him how to lead, does he? No, he does not. (Except for Poland. Don’t forget Poland. NEVER forget Poland.) While in that other dumb country that is not America, the president committed the high crime of taking 20 whole minutes to visit Stonehenge, which does not have any good airstrike targets, so what is even the point? Doesn’t he realize real presidents don’t sightsee? Or be Obama?
Read more on Why Are We Hating Obama Today? (He Went To Stonehenge Instead Of Syria That’s Why)…

It was a sad day across the Fox News Channel yesterday as the re-emergence of Monica Lewinsky and her coming essay about her long-ago affair with Bill Clinton knocked the BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! “scandal” out of the headlines, forcing the leprous sacks of skin that anchor Fox’s shows to talk about something else for five minutes. And because it is Fox, there had to be a conspiracy theory angle in there somewhere.
For example, the hosts of The Five decided to flex their superior intellectual muscles on the question of why now, after all these years, has Monica decided to break her silence. Andrea Tantaros noted that there were lots of conspiracy theories out there (by “out there” she presumably meant in the Fox newsroom) and then asked Eric Bolling for his opinion. Read more on Fox News Has Exciting New Vanity Fair/Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Conspiracy Theory!…

We all know that Fox News is nothing but faux-outrage over Benghazi — excuse us, BENGHAZI!111!!! — 24/7, but their certainty that everyone else is just as pretend-mad is one of the weirdest parts of their obsession. Today, cap-sleeve-wearing thought jumble Dana Perino is super mad that Bamz is going to go talk so some meteorologists about climate change because haha there is no climate change and also too they should ask him about Benghazi instead.
Read more on Dana Perino Begs Meteorologists Everywhere To Be As Dumb As Fox News, Yell About Benghazi…

Yesterday our Glorious Leader Barack Obama (peace be upon him) took to the White House press room for a briefing with the inchoate brain stems that masquerade as the national media. We didn’t watch this because we have some pride and self-respect (also, we were drunk), but we understand that B. Barry Bamz first talked about the success of Obamacare, then mooned the Capitol before twisting CBS News correspondent Major Garrett’s head completely off his shoulders and shooting some hoops with it out on the White House basketball court.
Ha ha, we kid about Major Garrett. Severed heads are notoriously difficult to dribble. But the president did tout the success of Obamacare – eight million people have now signed up for insurance through the exchanges, exceeding the original projection by one million (and by two million the revised projection the CBO put out after the initial bungled rollout of Healthcare.gov last fall). It was a bit of a victory lap for Obama, and who can blame him after the five years of non-stop shrieking and bitching and spiteful obstruction he has encountered in his pursuit of cramming the tyranny of affordable health insurance down freedom-loving Americans’ throats?
Oh hi, Dana Perino. Would you like to whine like a five-year-old at bedtime? Read more on Dana Perino Okay With Obamacare But Does The President Have To Be A Big Jerky Jerk By Talking About It?…

The giant drugstore chain CVS announced it will no longer be selling cigarettes, and Barack Obama said a thing, like, “that’s nice. Health,” or something, we don’t know, it was pretty anodyne. Did Fox News run every picture of Barack Obama smoking it could find and then bleat and guffaw about haw haw hypocrite? It did not, because that would have been an attack that made sense.
First up was Gretchen Carlson — you know, the smart one. She put on her confused squirrel face to ask the question, is it even legal for CVS to stop selling cigarettes? Like, is it? (Hint, Gretchen: In Obama’s Amerikkka, they can force you to abort your gay marriage butt babby, but they still can’t force you to not stop selling cigarettes.) Read more on Barack Obama Said A Mean Thing About Tobacco, So Now Fox News Wants Everyone To Smoke…

What is it we’re supposed to never forget again?
George W. Bush, August 6, 2001:
Bush listened to the briefing [Bin Laden determined to strike in US], Suskind says, then told the CIA briefer: “All right. You’ve covered your ass, now.”
George W. Bush, March 13, 2002:
Read more on Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)…

Your Wonkette comes bearing sad news: Helen Thomas, “White House Crone,” died today at age 92 after a long and eventful tour through the halls of the White House. Younger Wonketeers may only know her from that 2010 video where she made anti-Semitic comments , but she was also the first woman assigned to a full time position as a White House reporter and, over the course of a half century, reported on every U.S. president from John Kennedy to Barack Obama. She was the only reporter to accompany Nixon to China. She asked hard questions that made G.W. appear almost — not quite, but almost — sympathetic in his bumbling idiocy, and — unlike many contemporary journalists (YOU KNOW WHO WE MEAN) could be combative and hostile to press secretaries and the presidents they worked for. For example, she practically called Dana Perino a warmongering hussy, right to her face, and asked Obama why the hell we were still in Afghanistan given the corruption of the Karzai regime, its inhospitable terrain, and the mounting death toll. And — in addition to doing all that — she stalked Stephen Colbert, which we present to you in her honor:
Read more on Helen Thomas Meets Deadline…

Did you know that it is Let’s Pretend George W. Bush Was Teh Awesome Week? No? Neither did we, because we did not get that memo, and also, the way we remember it, he sucked harder than an industrial-strength Hoover — what with how he shredded the Constitution, did war to the wrong goddamn countries, broke the economy, chuckled about all those people who died looking for his pretend WMDs, and was just generally kind of a jerkhole. But according to Very Serious Journamalists like WaPo’s anencephalic Jennifer Rubin (also, doesn’t WaPo already have a lot of those folks on the payroll?), and the “bland and slightly repugnant grocery store brand breakfast cereal” that is Ron Fournier, it IS that week just because the ironically named George W. Bush Library and Museum opened in Dallas, so now everyone has to wax amnesic about that.
Including No. 1 fangirl Dana Perino, who is about three dozen different kinds of awful, who has penned a love letter to George Bush — at Fox, of course — that is called, no kidding we are not making this shit up, My favorite memories of President George W. Bush. (We eagerly anticipate the inevitable Perino column in September titled What I Did On My Summer Vacation When I Wasn’t Jerking Off To My Favorite Memories of President George W. Bush.) Read more on Dana Perino Writes Gross Love Letter To Secret Boyfriend George W. Bush…

Well, here is something totally unexpected: the moron quintet at Fox, The Five, is pretty sure thar be terrorists, or at least terrorist sympathizers, in Congress. And no, they’re not talking about Rep. Peter King, who is a bona fide terrorist sympathizer — but only for the white kind so it’s okay somehow, but shhh, let’s not talk about it, move along.
Nope, Eric Bolling is on to Rep. Keith Ellison, who is a Democrat AND a Muslim, so, ipso facto and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, you know, wink wink:
He’s also very dangerous. He’s kind of been like the Muslim apologist in Congress for a long time. He swore — he raised his right hand and took the oath of office on the Quran, if you remember, in 2007, Keith Ellison did. I think it’s time for profiling.
Read more on Fox Wingnuts Still Terrified of Scary ‘Very Dangerous’ Muslim in Congress Who Probably Hates America Because Muslim…

Unless you are a cave-dweller or some sort of luddite (in which case it is weird that you broke your anti-technology stance for Wonkette, but bqhatevwr) you were unable to avoid the Mr. Z goes to Cuba movie this week, complete with Jay-Z diss track. If you are a normal person, you listened to the new track and thought one of three possible thoughts: (1) Hova is BACK; (2) Hova is awesome but this track is meh; (3) Hova is just not my cup of tea thank you. If you are not a normal person and you work at Fox News, you decided to record your own incredibly embarrassing rap: Read more on Dana Perino Drops Jay-Z Diss Track, Embarrasses Every White Person Everywhere…

In the wake of that football player shooting his girlfriend and also an entire human history of widespread violence against women,Fox’s Dana Perino has an innovative solution to end the abuse! Did you know that probably a majority of the time, women who are beaten consciously make a decision to be with the right nut at the right time in the right Applebee’s parking lot? Read more on Fox’s Dana Perino Knows How to Reduce Domestic Violence…