Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Only Person That I Can Change is Myself

When I was on meds, my ego was so huge that I thought that everybody had to love me. I had to be everybody's best friend. I had to be the life of the party. Oh don't get me wrong - I treated people like absolute poo, but then instantly expected them to just get over it and be my bestest of friends again (oh yeah - I was a nutjob). Well during all of that time, anytime that Derek and I would have a fight I would instantly start feeling like he didn't love me any more and that I had to somehow make everything "okay". He would end up going downstairs and sleeping on the couch (trying to get away from my craziness) and I would follow him and beg him to forgive me and come back up to bed. I just couldn't stand the thought of anybody being angry or upset with me even though they had every right to be.

Maybe it's the maturity that I have gained from my whole situation, but I have a new attitude about relationships. I have slowly come to the conclusion that somebody else's happiness or level of contentment is not my problem and it isn't my job to make everything "okay" for them - and that includes Derek. It isn't my responsibility to make him not be mad at me or to make him in a better mood when he is being a grouch. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him that I wasn't going to be his "f-ing cheerleader" anymore and that when he chooses to be in a bad mood then I choose to not be around him. The only person that I can change is myself and I am slowly working on that. From now on - I am going to be my own cheerleader !