Dag 575 – A moment with Bernard – Standing absolute as support and example

I was on the farm in oktober 2012. Two years ago now. I was sitting with Bernard at the main house at a table outside. He was supporting me with some things, I do not exactly remember what we started to talk about when sitting there. It was related to relationships and me saying that I would like to have a relationship/agreement. To mention here is that I just left a situation of living together with a male that at that monent did not work out and I was too much in reaction within myself to stay in it. So I was living alone again where in I created a situation for myself to really be with me, to see into myself and have the rest and time to do so. However, there was a great insecurity about ‘relationships’ within me and honestly I felt very ‘old’ while I was 39 at that moment. So Bernard took on this point with me with very simple suggestions that I did not expect. One of this was a suggestion about how to keep my hair, what suited with my face and another was some support about relaxing my face. (I didnot tell him that I was ‘feeling old’ however that was an experience existing within me). He told me that he looked younger at that moment than he did 10 years ago. So he tought me how to relax my jaw/jaw-bones by putting my tongue slightly against my upper palate. And so we were sitting there at the table while I was practising to relax my jaws and focussing on practising to put my tongue slightly agains my upper palate. We were sitting there mostly in silence for half an hour or something. I was very uncomfortable inside myself and all kind pf thoughts were running through my head, about for example him seeing how uncomfortable, how insecure I felt while sitting there. He did not once pay attention to such a thing, he was sitting there in silence with me, looking at the environment, breathing, once or twice remembering me to remember to put my tongue slightly against my upper palate.

This moment was determining for me within accepting this very deep experience of insecurity within me. I feared that he would ‘point it out’ or name it or something and he did not. Saying nothing about it and sitting there with me was all that I needed to walk through this moment. It was for me a ver vulnerable moment, although it may seem like ‘nothing to really bother about’. These words are part of a construct that I have stored within me as to ‘not bother about these apparent small things’ and to not ‘making things so difficult’ or to ‘do so difficult’ about seemingly unimportant details. Which was actually what I was struggling with within myself, as for me it was important but in/as the conscious mind and world, it seemed so unimportant and small and I had not learned to take myself serious in these small details while growing up and so, I learned myself to not take it serious, which was in conflict with me wanting to take myself serious, starting within the detail and seemingly small.

He took me serious and gave me something to focus on and let me be sitting with him within feeling very uncomfortable and insecure within myself. For me he was someone who I completely trusted in seeing ‘with me’. I realise now that this trust within one other being was at that moment in place of self-trust and it functions as a bridge to walk into self-trust. He probably must have seen my uncomfortability and insecurity, however he did not point any finger towards it and so, I could take it on from there within myself and learn to walk with and as myself within taking myself serious in the seemingly small details.

This is an example of how these very very small moments can function as a foundation to walk on from. For me it was important that he was a male and to walk this with a male, because my insecurity was more often towards males, especially males that ‘I looked up to’. To be clear, Bernard never wanted to look up to him but to stay equal with him and I knew that it was/is existing as an experience within me that I only really have walked through if I am standing one and equal towards, with and as myself as him as life. Also about this he never mentioned anything about it towards me. It would not have made sense – I knew it, I was standing equal in certain parts and for the rest it was clear for me that I would continue walking this process within myself no matter what, so it would have been something as ‘pointing out the obvious’ which would not make sense. It was all within that moment of not talking and sitting there with the focus on a practical, physical point which for me was an advise to work on and from here, build my self-trust that I will be able to walk a relationship/agreement some day if I want to if there is an opportunity to do so.

I still apply this suggestion of putting my tongue slightly against my upper palate and/to relax my jaw-bones. I notice that it supports me to breathe, to bring myself in breathing and more relaxing the body, where the focus gets of the thoughts.

This moment at the farm is an example of the responsibility that is laying within taking responsibility for the life of others. This very small moment could have been easily missed or interpretated differently which could have determined the length of process within me within such a vulnerable moment. In the end it is my own responsibility and I was and am very much aware of this, so my approach towards him was not one of ‘wanting him to do it for me’ or laying my responsibility at him. I go there, I open myself up, I receive what he and the others who are living at the farm, are giving to me and I walk on with it within myself. So if he would have act or said different and it would not have alligned within myself, I would have investigated this and taken responsibility for the point within myself as how I was used to do in any case of receiving support. However I have not once be misunderstood by Bernard which for me was of great support as that this is possible and it brought me a step forward. He was looking within me with me, which is so much different as ‘looking at me’ and he gave the suggestions to fill the lacks within me – lacks as the small essential things that I had missed within my life while growing up and that I had not yet been able to find somewhere else. He took my ‘wish’ for a relationship/agreement serious, which was something that I had never done myself as I did not understand several parts of it and was always mixed up about walking together and walking alone with regards to ‘standing alone’ and taking responsibility for and as myself and within this, confused within preferences towards certain types of males.

At the same time, I was aware that within walking a relationship/agreement I would be able to live my utmost potential within an area that was ‘new’ and beneficial for me. So actually my fear within this is related to not being able to walk my utmost potential, which gives another restriction and load towards a relationship/agreement which I firstly had to walk through and let go. The fear is about me, about not being able to let go of my preferences while at the same time, seeing that I am really motivated and able to walk what is needed as what is best. So within this I have been surprising myself many times – and be surprised by others – by seeing how strong the preferences within and as the mind are and can be and how easily I (and others) can be distracted by this and before one knows, consequenses are created and opportunities are missed if I am not carefully walking with and as myself through this layers.

One being who is unconditionally standing can be determining for everyone of us until we stand in and as self-trust. And each being who stands in and as self-trust, can be this ‘one being’ for another being. Bernards absolute standing – as an example in/as Life in a human physical body – is still present as a motivation within me me to push through the layers within me in difficult moments as if he is standing so absolute, then who am I to not do so. Until I stand in and as self-trust, in and as life. Within the realization that if I do not stand in and as my utmost potential, another may not stand too and that will be a hard thing to forgive myself for.

So the motivation to do so is not yet one and equal as myself in and as life as I am walking through the layers in/as the mind. We cannot do it alone. Join the group.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself absolute to walk as what is best for all, where in I see, realize and understand that this walking is a process that needs to be walked in/as the physical to become real and trustable in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous from my own experiences of fear within me as if ‘something very bad is happening sooner or later’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own experience of fear and interpretation of it as if something bad is happening sooner or later.

When and as I see myself becoming nervous because of an experience of fear within myself, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I react to my own experience of fear, where in I see the fear related to experiences in/as memories of not being allowed to challenge a mind-pattern from myself and/as another where ‘sooner or later something bad will happen’ if I do so – something bad as someone becoming very angry at me.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and forgive myself for the energetic charges as fear for something bad happening where in I investigate what I am not standing equal to in/as my own mind as fear as judgement.

I commit myself to stop, forgive and correct myself within or the moments that I am speaking in knowledge and not standing as an example but more, asking another to do apply a principle that I am not standing absolute in and as.

I commit myself to practise patience and to become more and more aware of the unnoticed energetic patterns within me so that I can forgive and correct myself within before speaking or acting and so, prevent myself more and more from creating consequenses.

I commit myself to for now, stop creating consequenses by stopping myself from reacting on it when and as I do see them arise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the male-ego as ‘wanting to suppress me as a female within my expression’ and from here, find the male-ego rediculous and not something to take seriously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the male-ego seriously but to directly want to debunk this pattern and so challenge it immensely in and as the female-ego as ‘I am right’.

When and as I see a slight experience within myself on the background of ‘laughing at the male-ego’ as finding it rediculousness, I stop and breathe.

I realize that whatever it is in/as the male-ego that is playing out, nothing/no-one likes to be laughed at.

I realize that I needed it to be taken seriously in very small points and so does probably another, as we all are trying to express ourselves within the limited conditions that we have learned to do so.

I commit myself to stop laughing at the male-ego as if it is something rediculous and to take someone serious within what one is stating/mentioning in/as a (male) ego-point coming up, within the realization that it might be an ego-point, however within this, the being is present as the being is transferred into the mind by living out the patterns in/as the mind and so, I commit myself to take the being serious within an ego-pattern coming up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to challenge the male ego by bringing forward a principle as what is best for all, first because I challenge the male ego simply because I am a female and secondly because I speak in and as a starting-point of inequality towards a male in general, in and as fear which leads to not taking the male-ego seriously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take serious that what I fear and so, that what I judge in/as the mind and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself serious in/as rhe mind and from here, being surprised by the patterns coming up.

When and as I see myself participating in fear of challenging the male-ego and/or en ego in general, I stop and breathe.

I realize that my starting-point is not equal in/as myself as a being in/as life and so, I need to check myself first on (surpressed or slightly present) energetic reactions before speaking.

I commit myself to first check myself on energetic reactions when and as I want to bring forward a principle as what is best for all and to name and forgive myself the experiences as a release of the connected energy and from here, see if I can bring forward a principle as what is best for all and how to bring this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to a male and within this, create a polarity within and as myself as fear as judgement to feel ‘better then’ as a compensation for this ‘looking up to’.

When and as I see myself going into an experience of fear, related to ‘looking up to a male’, I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to stop looking up to a male or anyone else and to breathe and see what it is in that moment that ‘I look up to’ and why, where in I can see how to stand equal to this and how to bring it back to myself in and as a skill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to point out the obvious certain times in and as an energetic reaction within myself which gives another and/as myself the opportunity to not take serious what I bring forward as a principle as what is best for all.

When and as I see myself pointing out the obvious certain times because I am in and as an energetic reaction, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I diminish the principle that I bring forward and within this, diminish myself by speaking in and as energy.

I commit myself to stop pointing out the obvious in and as an energetic reaction, to stop myself from speaking over and over the same point and to walk out if possible, to first clear myself from the energy coming up and from here, to see what is possible as/and to bring forward a principle as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take serious the mind-patterns that are so obvious that I do not understand that they come up so many times and that it is not be seen, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that it are more automated reactions in which we put a veil on the pattern itself through which our self-responsibility becomes invisible.

When and as I see myself reacting to the thought that I do not understand that a mind-pattern comes up so many times, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I react to my own thought and so, I am in judgement instead of forgiveness as understanding.

I realize that in certain situations, in/as the mind I see understanding as a ‘diminishing’ of myself as if I ‘stand under it’ and so, I keep myself away from understanding as forgiveness as I do not like the related experience of diminishing.

I realize that this must be some related experience for another too, seemingly even more for the male-ego which might make it harder to go into understanding as forgiveness and self-forgiveness as self-understanding.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating in a thought that I do not understand something and to directly see what it is that I stand not equal to and forgive myself for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself serious in/as life in the small and detailed moments and points as how life shows itself and from here, allow myself to be ridiculoused by myself and/as another in/as the mind.

When and as I see myself tending to reject myself in/as a principle as what is best for all in/as life, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not yet standing equal to and as this principle and so, my approach is (partly) in/as the mind in knowledge and information and so, I am not ready to share this as a living example.

I commit myself to stop rejecting myself in a point of what is best for all in/as life that I reject myself in and to investigate, forgive and correct myself until I do no longer reject myself in and as this principle.

I commit myself to walk in self-honesty with and as myself in seeing what I am standing equal to and what not and to share what I have walked for and as myself.