my boyfriend seems just like alot of the things that are shown in these videos, i cant stand it ive realised its a bad relationship and everyone else thinks im crazy for staying with him but even now i know whats happening and its wrong its so hard to leave! he recognises what he does is wrong and he gets upset and cries always asks for help saying he doesnt know why he does it and people always blame his behaviour on his own abuse as a child:/

Most people aren’t in abusive relationships, but as you can see from the stories, it can happen, so it’s important to be aware of what abuse looks like. The Spot the Signs page includes behaviours that may mean you’re in an abusive relationship: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse

Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and if the bullying is making you worried you need to speak to a trusted adult.

If you’re under 18 and you need to talk to someone in confidence contact ChildLine on 0800 11 11 or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship - no matter what kind. It’s also very important to leave the relationship safely. There are many reasons why people don't feel they can leave. Fear is a huge one, also uncertainty about what to do/who can help. Some people may not realise that they are being abused and not even be looking for help. A big factor in not leaving can simply be love. Love is such a powerful emotion it can overrule anything else. If you are still with this person or in contact with them, we would urge you to think about completing a safety plan like this: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/47-keeping-safe-in-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

We hope that this helps.

Take care,
The This is Abuse team

15/08/2014

Joel

18/01/2014

I would like to thank the people behind this website for raising much needed awareness to the subject of abuse.

Thing is, all of the abuse video examples I saw was males abusing females. What about males abusing males, females abusing males and females abusing females.

I am aware of men being victimised too. I am not going to go into the territory of which gender has it worse. Suffice to say that people of both genders can be on the receiving end of abuse and people of both genders can be on the giving end of abuse.

There are a lot of men out there who may not recognise that they are in an abusive relationship. Then there are men who do realise that they are in an abusive relationship but don't know who to turn too. If they tell their friends they might be bullied for it and be told to "man up".

Anyway. Big thanks to the people behind this website. It is a great awareness campaign. The videos are informative and the people behind this site have my support.

Most people are surprised to know 1 in 6 boys will experience some form of sexual abuse. No matter what a persons gender domestic abuse is wrong and is never the victims fault.
Many male victims can feel very alone and unsure of what services or support is available to them. www.mensadviceline.org.uk can offer support and advice to male victims of domestic abuse.
For males under 18 who have experienced some form of sexual abuse they can contact info@survivors.uk.org" target="_blank">www.survivorsuk.org/info@survivors.uk.org

04/03/2014

Hi Joel

Thanks for your message. We are glad that you like the campaign.

We do acknowledge that men can experience domestic abuse, and although this campaign is focusing on men abusing women we are taking in to consideration feedback for future campaigns.

You are right that some men (and women) may not realise they are being abused or may not get helpful responses from friends. If you do know any men who may benefit from some advice and support
they can contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.

take care
Jo

This is Abuse team - 19/01/2014

Saffron Logan

27/12/2013

I personally think that anything that makes your partner feel small and vulnerable is abuse ,i've been there and trust me, its the worst feeling in the world, definitely an experience I wont forget, I get flashbacks everyday and nightmares every night, just wish it would all stop.

thanks for your post. It sounds like you have experienced a very abusive relationship and are still struggling with the psychological effects of the abuse. Have you managed to talk to anyone about this or seek some sort of help so you can manage the nightmares and flashbacks?

Your GP should be able to get you some help for this Saffron or if that does not sound like a good idea maybe call the National Helpline number and find out what services are available in your area. Nightmares and flashbacks are unpleasant and exhausting but can be treated and managed with the right help - try and get some help for yourself with this as it will improve the quality of your life and help your recovery

Do take care

Linda

28/12/2013

John

19/12/2013

I have recently got out of a relationship with a girl that was very violent to me, she used to attack be violently and slap me a lot, the worst is when she used to kick me in the groin for no reason. I am quite shocked that there isn't one video depicting girl on boy violence why arent you representing people like me ?? This campaign seems very one sided I know loads of people like me that have been abused by their girlfriend

john your not one your own I know quite a lot of boy that have been treated in a horrible way from there girlfriends and its not a nice thing to see, looking on this website and seeing just boys that are in the wrong there as many girls just as bad. I think this website needs something that involves a girl in the wrong for people in your hands. I hope the next girl that comes along it not violent towards you. and that she respects you and treats you like you deserve to be treated. I've just come out an abusive relationship my self but the worst thing is he only lives round the corner form me so I see him everyday and it just brings back memories of what I put up with for three years. its not a nice experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. good luck for what the future brings you.

shannon - 08/01/2014

Hi John,

Thank you for your comment. It's really important to us that we know how we can develop the campaign, and are noting the responses. I'm really sorry to hear that you experienced abuse. It is never acceptable for a man or woman to use force against another person. Assault on sexual organs is often a sign of extreme abuse.

There are services out there that do offer advice and support for men who are experiencing or have experienced violence or abuse from their partner, the Men's Advice Line is a national helpline for male victims, and if it is possible they will signpost you to a support service for men in your area. You can visit their website at www.mensadviceline.org.uk or call them on 0808 801 0327.

Take care,

Luke

This is Abuse team - 23/12/2013

G

10/12/2013

This campaign has made me realise that although I was not in an official relationship, I was abused by a friend who I had been intimate with. Both being in the same, close friendship group that is usually very very platonic between the boys and girls I haven't felt that I can really talk to the people who I would talk to about anything else. Especially as he had told me not to and because I would be embarrassed. Often he pressured me into 'sexting' which I found humiliating and embarrassing and would/will force himself onto me after a few drinks. I do feel as though it was abuse and have limited the contact we have as much as possible but that is still tricky due to the situation at school and that I am a good friend of his family's. I'm not here looking for a solution just to express these thoughts, abuse isn't always physical but is always damaging. I do feel that he has ruined any relationships I may have in the near future just because of how he made a fool of me and the trust I had in him. Thank you for this campaign

I am really sorry that this happened to you. Thank you for posting. What happened was wrong.

Being forced or coerced into sexual activity is a not only abusive it is criminal. You do not say how old you are but it is also important to note that by law someone under the age of 16 is unable to give consent to sex.

Services such as Rape Crisis 0808 802 999 can offer important support and advice as can the National 24 Hour Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247.

If you are under 18 you can also access Childline on 0800 1111.

I hope that you decide to get some support for yourself over what has happened.

Best Wishes,

Brian.

11/12/2013

georgie

06/12/2013

I too think that i was in an abusive emotinal relationship but sometimes when your in the situation it is hard to really see what it going on. My ex bf would accuse me of cheating on him all the time, it got to the point where i felt like i couldnt look at anyone else. One time he even started an argument because he said i was flirting with a waiter on holiday. He would often ruin nights out and big events if he felt like i wasnt paying him enough attention or would change towards me if a male text or rang me. I feel like it's not that bad because it wasnt physical but its amazing how someone can be so nice to you when your doing what they want and then switch when you start to stand up for yourslef. Has anyone else out there experienced anything like this???

Thanks for your post. It seemed like a really difficult time for you. It's really important that we acknowledge that abuse isn't just the physical abuse, but also emotional, sexual, financial and psychological.

Take care,

Luke

This is Abuse team - 09/12/2013

Hi Georgie
Thanks for your post and I am glad to hear you have managed to get out of the relationship. Sometimes emotional abuse over tine can develop into physical abuse too so its good to hear you are safe now
best wishes
Linda

This is Abuse team - 07/12/2013

Hannah

06/12/2013

I think this campaign is brilliant. I wish it had been around when I was a teenager. I was in two really abusive relationships - but I didn't tell any one about it. I didn't know what was normal and what wasn't. I was pressured into having sex, raped, physically abused. Psychologically and emotionally messed with. If i had known that there were other people experiencing the same thing, I probably would have found a way to get help and wouldn't have felt so stupid. I think it's really important to know what reasonable boundaries are - I am 25 now, and in a healthy relationship with a man I really love. But for a long time I felt really scared around men, and like I was always going to be hit, or hurt, or shouted at. I think it would have been much easier to over come it all if I was brave enough to ask for help and support. Thanks for running this campaign - it's really necessary.

I think it's really good that these adverts are about to make people think. I wish I saw these adverts when I was in an abusive relationship last year. And ex of mine was really controlling, he would would touch me in sexual ways when I wasn't ready for all that, I told him no and he never listened, I was terrified. And he kept trying to get me to touch him back and bullied me when I refused to. I felt trapped and didn't know who to turn to for help. I think if I was in that situation now, these adverts would have helped me be stronger and get help. So thanks to you more victims will get help :)

I think it's highly bigoted that all of these adverts suggest that the male is always the abusive one in relationships.

Whereas in actual fact an equal percentage of victims are men being abused by women. These adverts only re-inforce the steryotype that men are the instigators of relationship abuse and that only women are the victims.

I cringe at the unfair portrayl 'men in general' everytime I see these adverts.

Thanks for your feedback; we are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign.

We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight, and we are also aware that most teenage boys have normal and healthy relationships. However, in abusive relationships the statistics show that it is usually the male in the relationship that is the abuser and the female the victim and therefore it is important for the campaign to reflect this.

Our objective is to help both boys and girls spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raise awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, and although we depict a female victim in the advert, the messages are relevant for both boys and girls whether they are victims or abusers,

We have provided advice and information on the website which points all victims to the help they need - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help - including specific help for male victims of violence and abuse through Respect and Survivors UK. The site is also a forum where young people can pose questions and discuss the issue with their peers and experts in the field.

We also work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

hey georgina, i know what you are going through i have been through it before and i couldn`t do anything about it until i told the police then he got lock up and then i was normal self again if this keeps on happening then tell the police about it just remember they are here to help and do there jobs t which is to make people safe.

Sammie - 08/04/2013

Hi Georgina

Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is totally unacceptable. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

If you are unsure of what is or isn’t classed as
sexual abuse or assault, examples can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

If you are ever put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to, it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape

Tempero Moderation - 08/04/2013

Olivia

24/03/2013

Sometimes when me and my bf get into a big fight he gets really mad but walks away.
Then later on he will ring or text me asking me to say sorry otherwise he'll dump me and tell everyone it was my fault.

Please understand that abuse is wrong and never okay, and emotional abuse can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

We would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

hey. I think you should talk to someone, it sounds like he is giving you a hard time and that isnt fair. Think about how he makes you feel when he has a go at you, does it feel right? Also, try see your relationship from an outsiders perspective, what would your friends say about it? Often friends give the best advice about things like that because they arent "blinded by love" as it were. Stay safe. Hope you are ok.

Rachel - 05/06/2013

Hi Sophie

Thanks for getting in touch.

Abuse is wrong and never okay. If you are suffering from emotional abuse it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do, and it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to.

This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

14/03/2013

Will

09/03/2013

I guess this will already have been pointed out, or questioned, but is there a reason why all of the videos portray males as the bully and females as victims. Surely this isn't always the case, and it's simply a case of prejudice against all males when in hetrosexual relationships.

If anything, these videos stigmatise relationships in which the woman is the abuser even further making it even harder for the male to do anything about it - is this campaign supposed to help people, especially the vulnerable young people, or just embarrass lads in 'bad relationships'?

We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. To be clear, the objective of this campaign is to help both boys and girls spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raise awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships. It’s good that the campaign is prompting you to ask questions and seek more information.

We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.

Great videos, but I'm disappointed that they all represent male abuser/female victim.

People of either gender can be (and are) victims and abusers. Men are under more social/societal pressure to hide their feelings when they are victims of abuse, and having biased resources like this only serves to unfairly belittle their problems.

Thanks for your feedback. We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign.
We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight.

To be clear, the objective of this campaign is to help both boys and girls spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raise awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour.

This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships. It’s good that the campaign is prompting you to ask questions and seek more information.

We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.