Friday, August 5, 2011

Where did the non-August months go? I've found myself itching for work to end, for the next step to come, and now I find it comes too soon.

Only slightly exaggerated. Getting ready is always a rush, and while there are plenty of nerves as I prepare to make the plunge I've been awaiting practically since being back in the States, there's a clear excitement to be moving on to the next step, to find similarities with blessings of communities and environments past and differences of new friends and places (physical, mental, spiritual).

My excitement for what lies ahead also gives me a sharp awareness of what I leave behind. For this reason, without beating myself up, but with hope for a better experience in the future, I must apologize to all involved in my Portland experience. Thank you for being here in a capacity of helping me to feel safe. Thank you for allowing me to pick up right where I left off, both in letting me know that some things never change and that changes in me necessitate a few changes in routine. Thank you, Portland, for greeting me in magnificent fashion each and every time I fly back into your arms, and for so graciously letting me experience the challenge of going forth from you into the rest of the world with no great measure of wist or envy. I pray you forgive me my obliviousness to the love shown me and unintended failure to reciprocate. May I someday come to treat you more as the true treasures you are, one and all, rather than merely (though blessedly and truly wonderfully) havens of safety.

Forgive me for continually using that safety as an excuse to express and admit my struggles, rather than having the decency and demonstrating my comfort with you by speaking. Most of it has less to do with lack of trust of you, and more to do with not wanting to deal with the stuff. It's funny how hard it's been to integrate the notion that I've that dimension of struggle that others do, and that it's okay. I promise that that's getting better. Bear with me.

Google visvamitrasana images. Challenge accepted. Might take me some years. Bear with me.

Been stretching and doing stuff pretty relentlessly today. Lots of anxiety, nerves, getting wrapped up in the details of packing and saying bye for now and what it'll be like getting one step closer to autonomy. Also, realizing that escaping to Neverland seems all too appealing in my weakest moments. Gotta stay grounded, and I thought that I was, but it turns out that I was just kinda in "blinders on" mode, and now that it's crunch time, the blinders are off, and I'm floating a bit more than I thought.

In any case, come Saturday, I'll be in the midwest, with new challenges and old ones, and thanks, everybody, for the love and support I so richly don't deserve. Love.