Wednesday, April 28, 2004

I woke up at eleven today - the latest I have woken up in a really long time, even though I went to bed sober and early last night. I woke up after having a really bizarre dream about riding a scary five floor tall escalator with my mom that just dropped you off in the middle of the sky and you sort of had to jump down to saftey. It was very weird and I don't really even want to begin to think about possible ways to read that dream - I don't think there is one positive way to do so that would comfort me. I noticed the sky when I woke up from this dream, how beautiful it looked outside and thought whatever, I've slept too much of the day away but it is a lovely day and I am going to make the most of it.

I logged on to my e-mail to see that there was a new Friendster message from Matt. Ahh!, is what I yelled. And I was so scared to read it, wondered if I should wait until tonight, but nervously clicked ahead to Friendster, shaking with frieght about what he would say, and then officially started this otherwise lovely day by reading this:

Umm...I will respond by asking you to not come in contact with me in any way ,especially in public. That is all since anything else I would have to say would feed your need for negative attention.

Matt

Ouch. Right to the gut. And for some stupid reason, I then took a shower listening to Morrissey. The other day, Peter called me an emotional exhibitionist. And he is right. This can be Example A. And I do have some sick "need for negative attention." It is no lie. A very spot-on critique, in fact. Morrissey had to go. I put in Tribe Called Quest danced around to them before putting in the Beatles, and seeing this happy day, and resolving to myself to not do these pleas for negative attention anymore, to say Fuck You to people who don't like me instead of throwing myself at them. And about being an emotional exhibitionist - that is so intertwined with a hunger for negative attention - this is so intertwined with that, this right here - I want your sympathy, your pity - I am going to try to correct that too, starting now. Let's call this a temporary hiatus until I learn to live better. I will be lonely for a while, but I usually am anyways. Maybe I will write about other things this way, like I am always resolving to. See you later first person.