Character history

Stories

Lifeinvader to revolutionize with new product

Lifeinvader, the social networking site that changed the way that people think about privacy, human interaction and photos of cats forever is poised to make history again with a new product launch this week. The product, which is rumoured to be a stand-alone mobile device, has been described by Lifeinvader's CEO Jay Norris as "game-changing", "totally creat-iv-spiring" and "the result of a lot of blue-sky hammock time".

Prescription pain junkies flock to pharmacies

At one time Americans dealt with pain by having a stiff drink, a barbiturate, and lying down on a therapist's couch to cry. But now people are skipping the therapy and going straight to the pills. Up to one in four Americans is addicted to pain pills like Deludamol and Zombix and some warn that this spells trouble. The pharmaceutical industry has denied accusations that they are overzealously advertising morphine-based painkillers for profit. They said that the sponsorship of stock car races, football games, and little league soccer is their way of giving back to the community.

Chinese steal drug market

Not content with attacking the fundamentals of our capitalist economy with their cheap labor and vibrant industrial base, it appears that China is now coming after our shadow economy. At a press conference earlier today announcing a new intergovernmental strategies to combat drug trafficking, a spokesperson from Globopol revealed that criminal organizations from mainland China are attempting to infiltrate the US drug market. The international policing organization claims that senior gang members from a number of Chinese organized crime families have entered the country illegally in recent months, including Wei ChenTriad that operates out of Yangshan in Guangdong.

Weekend warriors leaving city in droves, invading Blaine County.

Jeff Osterman and his friends are successful professionals who work as animators at Fred's. But on weekends they put on skintight bike riding unitards and ride their $10,000 well tuned feather light bicycles through the hills and valleys of the Alamo Sea in Blaine County. The area is becoming popular with many Vinewood professionals and Mirror Park hipsters looking for a weekend getaway to see the other side of life. "You see all sorts of crazy stuff out here," said Osterman. "The locals mostly just leave us alone. We had one group of drunk guys who were having a big BBQ with ATVs, a trampoline and mud wrestling throw some rocks at us last month, but we laughed it off. These people are so primal, it’s really fun to see them in their habitat."

NEW LEADS IN ROCKFORD HILLS JEWEL STORE JOB.

The police have turned up new leads in their investigation into the recent robbery of Vangelico jewelers in Rockford Hills. They believe the crime was tied to an attack on a Humane Labs and Research shipment carrying BZ gas. Police also believe the van used by the robbers was recently stolen from a Bugstar Pest Control Warehouse in South Los Santos. Despite making these connections, investigators are no closer to finding the suspects who cleaned out the store for millions of dollars worth of jewels, escaped on motorcycles, and evaded police in the LS River. The police are not yet close to making an arrest.

Are men going soft on Mollis?

Betta Pharmaceuticals' long reign over the erectile dysfunction market might be under threat from a controversial rival product that claims to be cheaper, stronger and more fun with alcohol. Called "Priapol" and manufactured by Bilkinton Research, the drug is still unapproved by regulators and there have been alarming reports of severe reactions to the pill ranging from urethra splitting to heart failure. However, Bilkinton Research’s CEO, Bret Lowrey told reporters yesterday that Priapol's side effects had been grossly exaggerated, and that final approval was just “days away” and suggested customers should continue to party like men half their age until they hear otherwise.

Di Napoli kidnapping has family in tears.

Al Di Napoli has been kidnapped by a group of unknown, possibly elderly, assailants who pursued him in a high-speed chase through the streets of Los Santos, leaving a trail of carnage in their wake. Eyewitnesses report seeing the actor being put into the trunk of a car outside the Pillbox Hill Medical Center by what looked like a homeless man. It's a story unbelievable enough to be reminiscent of the kind of action movies Al used to star in before he discovered methamphetamine, and police are curious why the kidnappers picked Di Napoli, whose career has been on the skids for over a decade, rather than somebody more famous or relevant. At this time, no ransom payment has been requested.