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The Wine Rules

It started early with me. I was almost three before I slept a full night. My mom, at her wit’s end, gave me a small sip of wine in the hopes it would make me fall asleep. I really liked the wine and asked her for more. Mom told me she didn’t have any more red wine and I told her I didn’t care what color it was.

Red is my favorite, although I’ll drink white if it’s around. It’s my only talent. I can drink anything.

Wine is God’s way of telling us he understands the pain, confusion, and frustration our children cause us. I’m sure Jesus drank a lot of wine with the disciples tagging along…

“But…what do you mean by that, Jesus?”

“For my sake, guys! This is not hard! If you build a house on sand…never mind! I’m going off – ALONE – to pray!” (Muttering…”I’m turning that pond into wine and jumping in…”)

[Disclaimer: No disrespect intended – these are MY words, and are NOT written in the Bible. Loosen up, people.]

1. No one messes with Momma’s wine. No one.

The reason I started drinking wine is a simple one: I had kids. These little blessing stole my sanity one brain cell at a time and to ease the pain, I would have a glass of wine.

The other reason is also a simple one: I had kids. The kids would slobber into any liquid I poured in a glass and attempted to drink. Water, milk, tea, whatever. At night when daddy got home from work, I was tired, cranky, and thirsty for something without a two year’s old backwash in it. So…I would pour a glass of water and a glass of wine, lock the bathroom door, take a bath, and drink every single drop of both in peace before I would leave the room.

It was a good plan and it lead to the first and most important wine rule: No one messes with Momma’s wine. No one.

2. Wine pairs with your attitude, not your food.

That rhymes, so it’s easy to remember. Handy when you are already drinking wine.

Most people pair their wine with food. I am not most people. I choose wine depending on what I’ve had to deal with that day. I made you a handy, dandy table for future reference.

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Type of Day

Whining

Yelling/Arguing/Back Talking

World is Falling Apart & Work Sucked

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Type of Wine

Merlot, Blend, Chardonnay

Cabernet Sauvignon or Syrah

Malbec, Pinot Noir, Sangiovese…tequila, vodka, or any of the above.

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Explanation

Typical day = Typical wine

Something bold, but calming.

No explanation needed.

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This is maybe the one thing you’ve had to yourself all day. Sit down. Sip slowly. Enjoy it.

* Just a note: I may or may not have the exact wine or alcohol I would like. If this occurs, I suck it up and drink whatever I have or send my hubby to liquor store because he’s a smart man and is happy to do it.

3. Wine is a necessity, not an “option”.

Give me a break, you non-wine drinkers. You have your go-to stress treat, too. Cheetos? Potato chips? Diet Coke? Pizza? You know it, I know it, so let’s stop with the judginess, shall we? The reason I chose wine was because MY CHILDREN CAN’T HAVE IT! That’s it. That’s the only reason. I didn’t even like wine at first. I would have drank gasoline just to have something of my own, but the fumes made me nauseous.

4. Drink responsibly.

By this I mean drink wine in a proper glass. Please do not use plastic or styrofoam unless it’s an emergency situation, like you snuck wine into the movies. Also, serve wine at the proper temperature. Do not leave wine out in your car all day. You can still drink it, but it won’t taste quite right, so you’ll end up gulping it down to avoid wasting it. That leads to all sorts of mischief and you’ll be forever remembered as the “irresponsible neighbor who slept on the front lawn cuddled up next to a box of frozen lasagna yelling, “I must know the recipe for the secret sauce!”.

Those are the four main wine rules. You may add your own if you wish, but I feel like four is a good, round number. If I forget one, I can usually remember the other three. Usually.

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2 Comments

I’m in the wino camp with you. MY daughter didn’t sleep through the night until she was three. I couldn’t have survived without my nightly glass(es) (bottle? Shhhhhh) of whatever-red-is-on-sale-for-less-than-ten-bucks. At the moment, it’s a Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon.