San Francisco, California -- The ongoing dispute regarding the apparent abuse of Oracle's Java software at the hands of Google has brought to light startling revelations regarding Java previously unknown to programmers, coders, developers and their dogs. Oracle CEO Larry Ellison says that Java "had always been owned by Sun Microsystems, Inc. until we bought it, after which it belonged to us. No one ever said those geeks could use it."

Oracle admits, however, that it was just starting to look at the wildly popular Java platform a whopping 400 years after acquiring Sun. "We've been focusing on improving our suckish database software. Even Google uses it, but they've made it even better," Ellison said in a recent press conference.