Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1448

The Teacher, The Thief
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, so St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg."
"Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "the Titanic."
"Alright," says St. Peter, "you may pass."
Then the thief gets his question: "How many died on the Titanic?"
The thief replies, "That's a toughie, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1,500 people." And so he passed through.
Finally, St. Peter gives the lawyer his question: "Name them." Vincent L.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1449

Skin Transplant Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they wouldn't tell anyone about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives went on and on about her youthful look.
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." Lawrence D.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1450

Golf Lesson
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club.
They meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." The man follows his instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth." David R.

Thursday

Joke
N°
1451

A Shave And A Shine
A cowboy walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you." Eddie V.

Friday

Joke
N°
1452

Nick The Dragon Slayer
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she got dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, he shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Moral of the story: Always pay your bills. Keith Clark

Saturday

Joke
N°
1392

God Is Missing
Two 6-year-old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave -- timeouts, notes home, missed recesses --- but nothing worked. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair and ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home and asked, "What happened in there?"
The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!" Jordan R.

Sunday

Joke
N°
1393

The Lord Will Provide
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat invited her to get on the boat with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross copter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For crying out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!" Sandy G.