Monday, June 24, 2013

Top 10 Most Handsome Men in Baseball

Summer is here and it is starting to really heat up. The long cold winter is history and we can now move on to our favorite national pastime: bitching about how hot it is. No, but seriously, we all love baseball and enjoy those summer days spent at the ballpark, drinking $9 beers and Tweeting pictures of different views from our seats. The pastime has not changed at ALL over the years! In honor of 110 degree days sitting on metal seats while watching Mark Teixiera get paid to get injured, here are my top ten most handsome men in baseball. Here we go!

Honorable MentionAndy Van Slyke - I hated him during his playing days and have heard first hand accounts of how much of a douche he is to, well, almost everyone. Still, his looks are enough to warrant mention on this list. Now, let's talk about how that necklace looks like you are just about to go date rape someone.

Mike Taylor - No longer a coach for the Rice Owls, Mr. Taylor is a personal favorite of mine and a damn good looking man. Seriously, look at him.

10. Bob Melvin - The coach of the always pesty Oakland Athletics recently caught my attention last year during the A's amazing run to win the A.L. West and great series against the Detroit Tigers that they eventually lost 3 games to 2. A tall lanky man, Mr. Melvin does what few men can do: make a green and gold jersey sexy.

9. Bobby Valentine - Oh Bobby, what were you thinking taking that Boston job before last season? You had to know it was a train wreck waiting to happen, right? Oh well, you are still as sexy as the days when you were screwing up the Mets in the late 90's. You would have been higher on this list had you not made the insane proclamation that you "invented the club sandwich". Get back to doing television where you pull off a suit very nicely!

8. Terry Francona - The man unreasonably ran out of town by basically everyone in Boston despite, you know, just leading them to two World Series titles has become one of baseball's most eligible bachelors. Despite his messy divorce and the fact he now lives in Cleveland, you have to admit that this bald man looks quite good for his age. And Terry, if you want to text me pictures of yourself, lose the towel this time!

7. Kevin Towers - The GM for the Diamondbacks has a face that says both "I am going to rip your fucking head off" and "Come here and play with my nice salt and pepper hair". I would prefer to think that when he saw me, it would be the latter.

6. Matt Sinatro - Another personal favorite of mine, the former Cubs first base coach is a stocky hairy man machine. I once wrote that "Sinatro is what every woman dreams of having and what every man dreams of being. There is no downside to sleeping with Mr. Sinatro and you will be thankful that you were able to witness his excellence first hand." I stand by this statement after meeting him a few years back.

5. Bud Black - The relatively unknown manager of the Padres looks like an accomplished politician in a major league uniform. Look, he even has the Bill Clinton move down! Let's hope he's as sexually active as the former President.

4. Jim Riggleman - Mr. Riggleman fills out a baseball uniform the way that it is suppose to be filled out. I noticed Jim's great build back in the 90's when he was utterly helpless as manager of the Cubs. Even at the age of 60, he makes me want to join him in the showers.

3. Billy Beane - The man behind Moneyball and GM of the Oakland Athletics was majorly dissed by Hollywood when they had Brad Pitt play him in the movie. Brad Pitt has NOTHING on Mr. Beane.

2. Trey Hillman - Facial hair or no facial hair, Mr. Hillman exudes just the right amount of manliness that can make you weak in your knees. The current bench coach for the Dodgers, I wouldn't mind sitting beside him in the dugout each and every night discussing our plans for later. Maybe we could have dinner, drinks and see what happens...EACH AND EVERY NIGHT!

1. Ryne Sandberg - I have been attracted to the man they call Ryno since I was a kid. I seriously remember getting back pictures of a Cubs-Reds game I had attended and noticing Ryno's biceps while warming up in the picture. I must have stared at this thing for hours. Sandberg will always be my favorite baseball player of all time and someone that I would put right up there with Fred Couples for "Most Want To Have Sex With".