Thursday, May 25, 2006

Bay To Breakers 2006 recap: Not Your Typical Sunday Morning

After a pre-Bay To Breakers Saturday night run to Safeway to get some ice, water bottles, and a 90 pack of tortillas, I woke up on Sunday at 5.45 a.m. and began to prepare my insulated cooler backpack for it's maiden voyage (some 3 years after I acquired it, no less). Popping a bottle of champagne at 6 a.m. is kind of weird, but anyhow I prepared two 1-liter bottles of mimosa, which took care of the champagne bottle, a 1-liter bottle of Tanqueray & Tonic, and two 1-liter bottles of water. These went into the backpack with a big bag of ice, 2 Clif bars, and my camera. A quick bagel and at 6.55 I was off to meet my good friend A10 and his crew downtown.

About 40 people dressed as salmon and did the race backwards,swimming against the current of the rest of the 65,000 of us

At the bus stop I met a Scientologist and 2 persons who referred to themselves at "members of the Mullet Army". Up rolls the 1 Bus and we're on our way. After a 20 minute ride packed with race participants, a couple of actual runners, and some akwardly stunned elderly people, I de-bus downtown and walk 5 blocks over to Mission & Main.

Dick Cheney Hunting Club

The streets are full of thousands of people dressed up as anything you can imagine, some things you probably cannot imagine, and the occasional person wearing nothing at all. No, not like that- none of the nudists are remotely good looking, and most are middle aged men. It was funny to walk past one of the hotels downtown and see scattered groups of out of towners literally agog and trying to figure out just what the hell was going on.

Elvai: never original, always funny

Met A10 and his crew and we moseyed over to the starting area along with the other 65,000 participants in this wacky, wonderful event. It is wet from earlier rain and we are hoping that it decides not to rain anymore; it looks like it could go either way. I break out my first bottle of mimosa and the 90 pack of tortillas, and we start chucking them along with everyone else. There are literally thousands of tortillas flying through the air, which for some reason is a long-standing and little understood tradition at this event. I felt bad at one point when one of my tortillas drilled a girl about 15 yards away in the face, but the tortilla gods exacted karmic revenge on me soon thereafter, as I took one squarely on the face.

Funniest sign of the daySoon the 'race' starts and we slowly get going like an enormous herd of cattle. We are tightly knit and slow moving , and the smell of wet flour is in the air.Mimosa #1 is cashed about the time we hit the official starting line.

Yes, we've got plenty. Thanks for checking.

Just before going up Hayes hill in mile 2, we come across a group of dodgeballers, who shortly thereafter are attacked by another dodge ball team from behind. Battle ensues, and we were very much caught up in the crossfire.

Impromptu dodge ball fight

Honeybee in fishnet stings man as beer-gut Elvis looks on

Mimosa #2 is finished as we enter Golden Gate Park, which is at about the 4 mile mark. On to the T&T. It is in Golden Gate park that the 2 most noteworthy things occur. First, as I am taking the picture of the really hott S&M girl on the S&M float, she comes after me, admonishes me for taking her picture, makes me bend over, and spanks me with her riding crop. After a wiseass comment from me, she repeats this 3 or 4 times and then smacks my face as well. I won't lie to you - I didn't mind so much.

I was a bad boy.I got punished.

Later on none other than the Stanford tree came up behind us to a raucous chorus of hisses, taunts, and boos. Although Palo Alto isn't too much farther away from SF than Berkeley, the Tree was in Bear territory and he knew it, which is why he had 6 security guards to usher him through the day. In the end they proved to not be the best security guards, as the tree was bum-rushed, attacked, and tackled by a dude dressed as the Easter Bunny wearing a Russian fur hat.

Rabid Cal fan A10 thinks the Tree is #2 (or is it #11?)

A scuffle broke out, the Easter Bunny gained immediate hero status among all of the Cal fans walking near us, and some very heated words were exchanged. Oski The Bear should watch his back the next time he is in Palo Alto. Bears will be bears...

Mobile pool party with Life Beer Guards

Shortly after this we ran out of alcohol, at about the 6.5 mile mark, which taught me a lesson for next year. Out: 3 liters of alcohol, 2 liters of water. In: 4 liters of alcohol, 1 liter of water.The pirate ship "Aaargasm"

How they got this up Hayes hill I'll never know

That's about it. Kenyan Gilbert Okari won the actual race, covering the 7.46 miles in 34 minutes and twenty seconds. When we finally made it to the ocean and the finish line the clock said 3 hrs, 41 minutes, but I guarantee you that we had much more fun than Gilbert (although he walked ran away with $37,000).

We went over to the Beach Chalet, sat out on the grass and had lunch and a beer, then the rains came and we caught the bus home.

The three best floats were:

3) Fully functional ping pong table on top, shopping carts loaded with beer & a keg below. They would stop occasionally and break into games of beer pong. Pretty strong.

Mobile Table Tennis anyone?

2) The Wild Mustache Ride, staffed amazingly by 2 hot chicks. Don't think I need to get into too much detail. Mustache Wednesday originator Orson Swindle was rumored to have bankrolled and staffed this float from his EDSBS Castle in ATL.

1) The FEMA float, modeled after a coast guard ship only full of alcohol, with about 20 dudes sporting "FEMA Search & Rescue" T-shirts. On the side of their boat it said "FEMA: We'll get around to it." Pretty Epic.

Heck of a job, boys. Heck of a job.

I have done this event twice now, and it is probably the most fun thing I have done out here, which is saying a hell of a lot. If you ever find yourself in the Bay area on the 3rd weekend in May, you definitely need to partake in this event and experience it for yourself.

1 comment:

Lindsay
said...

MDG...I can't get in to your Soccer craze, but this blog was REALLY funny and good. You are so talented....you should turn these (and your old e-mails) into a book, column or a TV SHOW. You are so detailed I feel like I've attended the event! Love ya.