the end is near.

I graduate high school next month. I have grown as a person so much. I have changed in ways, but overall I’m still just me. I’ve felt terrible pain and complete bliss. Both of which, temporary. There are many lessons I learned, because of my stubbornness, the hard way.

One distinct decision I made after my freshman year is one that will forever stand out to me. Up until that point, I was an easy target. People could say whatever they wanted to me basically with no response. (I was bullied my freshman year). I never said my opinion around anyone I wasn’t close to and I always tried to lay low. But one day, I thought about all of that. I didn’t want to be quiet, little, Alexis anymore. I had thoughts, opinions, and beliefs like everyone else. I figured mine should be heard too, not a crazy idea right? So, I started to let everyone hear them. It came pretty easy to me actually. It was almost like everything I ever wanted to say just came pouring out of me. All over my Snapchat story and Twitter feed. I spoke about everything. Simple things that grind my gears, my thoughts on people in general, hate crimes, just to name a few. The response received from my peers was mixed, about 30/70 from what I can see. 70% thought I should shut up and that I talked too much. 30% felt the same way I did and encouraged my rants. Those people are the reason why I have kept at it for so long. Sometimes, I want to stop. There are a lot of people who can’t stand me and probably avoid me just because I speak on things that are true. Just recently I have decided to lay off of it. I’m starting to believe my “friends” don’t think it is an attractive trait either. But I could be wrong.

Speaking of friends, that is an endeavor I haven’t been very successful at through high school. I made one very good friend when I first started high school. She was in my first class of the day. Her name is Kiara, lovingly known as Keke. Keke was the greatest friend I could have asked for. She is funny, caring, and what is most important to me in a friend: always there for me. She made me feel like I was actually involved in a friendship. We were always together. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I never had to question our friendship. That is important to me because I need constant reassurance or I start to think something must be wrong with me. Sadly, Keke moved after our sophomore year. I haven’t had a connection like that with a friend since then. What’s even more sad, is her and I aren’t as close because of it. We have small talk here and there, but I know she still cares about me. I have friends I guess, but I feel left out. They already had their friend groups when we became friends and I never receive the reassurance I need to make me know I’m apart of that. Maybe it’s because I’m not. This all sounds childish when I read it back, but feeling like you’re alone can really take a toll on you mentally. It definitely has on me.

These high school years are also when I was I diagnosed with dysthymia and anxiety. Dysthymia is a mild but long-term form of depression. Finding out I had it was no shock to me. One of the telling signs is having a relatively low mood for 2 or more years. That is me ever since I was about 8 or 9 years old. It is hard for me to get motivated to do things, I have low energy, and I seem to be at least a little negative all the time. I was given medication for this and it helped me a lot. I was much happier and less irritable. However, I got tired of taking it because I wanted to be happy without it. I didn’t want to take a pill just to cover up how I really feel. I wanted to learn how to just become a happier person. This has yet to happen and I’m not sure if I should continue not taking it.

(There is much more I could write about that I have been through in high school, and I probably will in a different post. I just wanted to get my thoughts together about my experience.)