still wondering and wandering…….

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There’s this girl I came to know as a kid. She wasn’t one to stand out in crowd and I have a feeling she liked it that way. She had lovely dark brown eyes set in a very beautiful, cherub-like face. Her smile, oh, such a heart melting smile she had. But unfortunately she often had a serious, sad look on her face, her blinding smile was a rare affair. Looking into her eyes, I could see a sea of sadness. What was she so sad about? We never really knew, cuz she never really spoke. Her contribution to any group discussion was a nod, a half smile or a monosyllable. But I knew, she had a lot to say…probably so much that she could never put them into words in time.

I was often intrigued by this girl. I would see her gaze wander into oblivion so often, like what was happening around her held no importance to her. Our childish games of make belief didn’t impress her much. But it seemed like she was stuck, there was no where else she could go. She was a girl, grown up too fast. Although she was only 10, she became a sound board for all our qualms, as petty as they were. She seemed to really listen, absorb. never interrupting us once until she felt we needed her opinion.

Being as she was we often forgot she would need us too. It wasn’t easy to get her to talk about herself but somewhere we forgot it wasn’t impossible either. We soon grew used to having her in our lives just the way she was, quiet and always ready to hear us out. We realized too late that the strong 10 year old girl needed from us what she gave so freely to others. She needed friends that took time to help turn her million thoughts a second brain to calm down, help her put her deepest thoughts into words, put her deepest worries to rest. Somehow it didn’t feel like our job then. But today when I think about her, I am intrigued as to what must have happened to her today. Is she still the quiet, timid little girl? Or has she grown up to be one of the wisest minds and is still putting the world around her out of their miseries while not uttering a word about her often miserable life.

I still wonder from where did she get the strength to be this strong…so together when clearly her world was falling apart. Did she not trust us enough to let out her deepest secrets? Why was she so attached to her grief that she didn’t want to feel better? What experiences cause a 10 year old to behave like a 30 year old? Is it possible to feel that kind of grief in such a short span of life. I guess I will never have my questions answered as I was too late to probe. I just hope wherever she is, she has found peace and happiness and someone to share it with. No one should be that serious about life, especially not a kid.

STRENGTH GROWS IN THE MOMENTS WHEN YOU FEEL YOU CAN’T GO ON BUT YOU KEEP GOING ON ANYWAY..!

I’m in a really down place right now… Don’t think it could go worse to the point that today I am getting anxiety attacks. So in a gist what’s so wrong in my life right now is that I am in love 🙂 And no, before you guys start booing my guy thinking he gave me pain, it’s not at all that. It’s the typical Indian problems.
So here goes…..

I am in love with this wonderful guy. We actually met one fine weekend at a friend’s beach birthday party, fell in love ( believe it or not) at first sight and we just knew this was some magical collision. Neither one of us had come there expecting anything other than to have a little fun and get away from the boredom of regular life. So the trip of Pondicherry and Mahabalipuram via Chennai was planned. It was by best friend’s birthday and I wasn’t going to say no even though it was a whole bunch of strangers that I had never even heard of before.

So I land in Chennai and get intorduced to a bunch of really nice and varied kinds of people. I met all but one that night. He was the guy I think I was supposed to come there for. You see this friend of mine had time and again asked me to come down for her birthday and it never actually materialised until that year. And my love ( *happywinks*) had shifted to Chennai for work that year. Happy coincidence I must say. It was so damn funny the way we met, never thought things will catapult like that ever!

So the whole gang had reached my friends place bright and early as we had a long drive ahead. And I was the last one to get ready and he was the first to be ready but last to arrive. And it just so happened beautifully that I came out of the washroom and he was somehow standing at the entrance to the room. I swear to God we were starting at each other for a couple of minutes going whoooaa! Finally reality check and we gave each other sheepish smiles, shook hands, introduced and went about our business. But surely that wasn’t the end of things.

The minute we landed in Pondicherry we turned out to be only people not there to get high on anything. While people laughed at us for being goodie goodie, we had the best of times laughing at them while they monkeyed around in their trance states! We started bonding there while keeping our distance! And the night in Pondicherry ended with a lot of scream singing to old 90s hits till our throats we soar. Next up was Mahabs where the real fairy dust was sprinkled all over us!
So in mahabs we got this really lovely little place right which was bang on the beach! And here is where the moonlit beach walks and some red wine did a whole lot of magic. The first time we held hands under the moonlit sky is something we both will never forget. Not to mention listening the alien stories, that we laughed our asses off to, of a friend who was very very high the night before. This was a spectacular night especially since none of us slept as we shared ghost stories all night and waited for the sun to rise.( Did I mention I violated some really big turtles who were lying upside down trying to lay eggs. I thought I was saving them …my bad)

And that weekend gave rise to most romantic one year of my life! Until this year of 2017! So now that we had established we wanted to be together we both realised we are in the age where we need to make things official. My boyfriend especially was really keen as his family wouldn’t let him rest in peace if he said otherwise. But it so happens that my family was in the mood of only the “otherwise” and there began this typical Indian melodrama.

So as the families fought in 2 different directions – one wanting immediate marriage and other wanting to pace it out, we both have been now stretched to last of wits! It’s been a year since this saga started with no end in sight yet! So I have decided to look at the good in life! Because that’s all I got in my hand right now! Until the universe decides to bless me again with that unrequited love I so felt last year! All I had to do then was enjoy the ride and completely trust in the universe. It took care of me as I’m guessing it is doing right now. So for the next weeks until things work in my favour I’m going to write some really endearing stories about all the lovely dear family that is part of my saga! No matter how life is today….I do really love them and they do really really love me!

Love and peace to all!! Hope I help myself get out of this rut with gratitude! 🙂