Sunday, September 7, 2008

This is why America sucks

So, for those of you who know me, you all understand the fact that I'm a bit of a Japanophile. I listen to Japanese music, eat Japanese food, speak Japanese, watch Japanese films, and am dating a Japanese woman. Why, you may ask? Because I hate America.

Here's Reason One. More will follow at a later date.

1. Buena Vista Entertainment. Buena Vista is the distribution company responsible for bringing the works of Hayao Miyazaki, Isao Takahata, and others from Studio Ghibli to America. These works include woderful works such as Mononoke Hime, Mimi wo Sumaseba, Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi, and Pon Poko. The latter title mentioned is a bit of an anomoly, seeing that Buena Vista is the not-so-incognito label for Disney, and that Disney consistantly turns down good projects due to bogus censorship issues. For example, Studio Ghibli release a cute little film called Only Yesterday about a decade back, and Disney still refuses to release it in America. Why? Because there is one scene where three teenage girls discuss the menstruation cycle.

Well, as it would turn out, in 1946 Walt Disney Studios created a short film entitled "The Story of Menstruation" covering, what was that, the menstruation cycle. Yes, a magical journey through the wonderous hoozits and fantastical happenings of the happiest time of the month told through the words of a commonly mentioned sexual deviant. Yum.

But, from JAPAN?!?!?! What, with their pokomans and Howdy Kittens, how can we let them poison our minds with the belief that Periods of all things are REAL (ha ha, I know! Impossible, right?)?! We certainly don't want to jeopardize our good name with such vile filth...

We'll instead put out this cute story of happy forest creatures! Aw, look at the little racoons with their little furry faces and their little furry ears and their, um... little furry.. fanny... packs... I guess?

Sorry, guys. Try nuts. Try little, dangly racoons niblets soaked in fur. Oh, and why not let them stretch their joy-sacks into a magical array of nifty objects? Songs! Ooooh! And songs! "Little racoon children see, swing your balls to me, and I will swing to you!" That's cute! And factual, as opposed to the pagan belief of the natural cycle that is menstruation. Let's also neglet to notice the scene where three young boys oggle over an issue of grandpa's Go-Get-'em until they are scared away, revealing the not-so-un-nude woman and her pretty graphically detail tatulars.

Thanks for being so thorough, Walt. You really helped out this time. I narrowly avoided a case of the "ewwww, yuckies" thanks to your genius decision to keep a potentially wonderful film out of our God loving, and obviously testicle loving, and possible God-Testicle loving nation.

God Damnit, though, do I love that movie. Seriously, all of those films are wonderful pieces of art and entertainment, a form of existence the likes of which is rarely seen in this country. These animations have a point AND an attention span. Maybe we should be trying to atually get this films INTO America as opposed to making ill-advised decisions to keep them out. Then, perhaps we can save ourselves the hour long five-second tangents that are helping our children grow oh, so smart and creative. Safe things. Safe sponge.