Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Give me hope. Hope is what I need. I have been without it now for far too long. I need you to give it to me so I can continue to pretend everything will create a happy ending for me. I need it so I can ignore all the problems for just a little while longer. Give it to me.
Give me love. Love is what I need from you. I have never felt love before. I am hungry for it. If you can give me love, how could I want more than that? I would be full of rainbows and sunshine if you could just give me love. Love makes everything wonderful. Give it to me.
Give me trust. Trust is needed here. I can do anything if you trust me. I will do anything if you trust me. Trust gives us freedom to fly, to sing, to dance, to drink the glorious night. Trust is in the heart and soul, and to see the soul you must look into my eyes. To feel my soul you must share your soul with me. And surely if you can see and feel my soul, you can see I trust you. You would know if my eyes and lips were lying. So you can give your trust to me, can't you? Give it to me.
Give me time. You've given me so much so far, I need time now to process all of this. You gave me hope, which makes me beautiful. You gave me love, so I can give it again. You gave me trust, which means there are no lies told. This sounds too good to be true. I need a little time. Give it to me.
Give me space. If you're giving me time, give me some space as well. We'll see how much you trust me after I've been given some space. With enough space between us, you run the risk of letting someone come between us. But you've given me your trust and you love me, don't you? So it shouldn't be a worry for you. Would I really do that after you've given me so much? No, so some space is nothing. Give it to me.
Give me your word. I need your word that you're not just fooling around. I'll take your word if you give it to me. After all, you really can be trusted. Is all this really mine? I can really keep it? All of it? This is just too good to be true. It's perfect! I want your word on this though. give me your word and I'm all yours. Just give it to me.
I hope everything happens just like I planned. I love this part, the bit where I go out without you. Because you trust me, don't you? If I put enough distance between us, I know I'm going to have the time of my life with them. The space between me and them grows smaller and smaller as the time goes by. I love the thrill of the dance that they're leading me in. I just Hope they don't take too long, because I've got to get home before morning. Not that you'll say anything about it. I've got your word, haven't I?

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Dreams. Most people have them. Some are good, some bad, sometimes it depends on your perception of them. Sometimes they wake you and your heart is racing, your brow burning and you seem paralysed. This was once attributed to demons, but Modern Science just shrugs that off, but I know that my demons keep me awake some nights. I find myself paralysed, sometimes by fear, sometimes by awe, sometimes I can't feel what it is that paralyses me. But it does. Explain that to me, Modern Science.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Having returned from a trip interstate, I have decided I hate how consistent Time is. Time doesn't care what's going on in you life, it just keeps ticking by so repetitively. I get up during the day, go to bed in the evening. Repeat. Winter moves into Spring, into Summer, into Autumn, back into Winter. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, repeat. I hated having no power to stop Time and just enjoy what was going on around me, and I hated not being able to skip through the parts that just dragged on and on. But I have had a brain-wave. Why do we need to be confined to the tick tick ticking of that stupid clock. Let's sleep when we need to sleep, eat when we need to eat, the weather here is so volatile now, the seasons all blur together. Let's be honest with each other and let our friends know how it is we feel. In this age of technology, we can do that. Let's live with our minds and our hearts in sync. Let's take the batteries out of our clocks.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

At first, I could barely see it, and then -BAM- I saw it very clearly.IT SCREAMED OUT, I couldn't avoid it. I didn't want to either

I wanted to bask in its glory and wonder, but how to do it without drawing attention to the fact I was? I could have gotten myself in trouble if I had.A lot of trouble.More than it was worth, given it seemed you barely noticed I was there.

Actually, it felt like I got in your way a lot.But you didn't push me away.

You let me hang around a little more.And a little more.We talked and discussed and debated.And we shared.

I found myself with you without trying.I had to turn and walk away sometimes because I didn't know I had done it till I was there.And then you started finding me.I wasn't likely to complain.

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

There is true terror in me now. The fear I feel is in mammoth quantities. There are few times when I am not thinking about it. I have placed in your hands a piece of me. It is part of my mind, part of my heart, part of my soul. It was a hard thing to let go of, even if it's only for a little while, knowing how fragile it is. But I think it will hard for you, too, just to look at it.

It is worn, it's pages dog-eared and torn. There are scratches and gashes and holes the way through. Stains colour it where you least expect it. And, still, I've given this piece to you.

Why did I do it? What made me decide? Did you really need to know what I've fought so hard to hide? Yes, I think you did need to know and I think it's only right that I should share all of me with you. So now I will have no secrets from you, I will give you my all because I know, without your hand to take, I will surely fall.

But please, take care of that piece you hold, see it for what it is: see it as a world of hope, of hate, of love, of grief. See all my faults, examine every flaw, dissect every thought that you should know me better. Once you have done all this, you can know whether you wish to give me back my heart, or whether perhaps you want to hold onto it a little longer, to help you decode the rest of me.

If you choose to hand it back, do so gently, and I'll not blame you. It is not a perfect creation and neither am I. Who would want something as mangled and maimed as me and my soul? Who would keep hold of a deranged mind like mine? Who could bear to be near a weak and blackened heart like mine? No, I would not be surprised in the least if you didn't want to keep it.

However, if you choose to keep it, please be even more gentle; I am such a tender creature and I injure easily. That small piece of me that you hold is existentially connected to the rest of me. Without one, the other ceases to be. Destroy my mind and I'll be driven mad for all the beasts left there. Break my heart and I'll have nothing to love you. Burn my soul and the demons will come out to play, free of their prisons and leashes. After all that, I can only hope to live to speak of it. But my existence would be pointless.

Friday, 25 March 2011

I can't explain why exactly, but I'm very tense at the moment. I think it's a combination of factors:a) a lack of sleep (which was caused by)b) a frightful dream I had last night (pertaining to)c) a person that I hold dear to me (who intentionally or not, is causing)d) a lack of communication

Any or all of these could be the answer, or it could just be that I have a very important meeting tonight with a person of high rank.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

It seems that despite having a great day yesterday, I am feeling particularly blargh today. Perhaps it's too much sun for my liking or the lack of company. Maybe it's the music I'm listening to or the lack of sleep I had last night. I find myself struggling to find the words I want to write to make it worth reading. I have no desire to eat or drink. I've found myself just standing, staring at nothing for minutes, no thought in my mind.

And when I do hold a thought, my emotions seems all askew. In the space of the last hour and a half, I have wanted to laugh, to yell, to cry, to love and to say nothing at all. My soul seems restless and absent at the same time.

Monday, 21 March 2011

Should I? Maybe. He didn't say not to. Then again, he didn't say he wanted me to. Oh, but I want to. Maybe I shouldn't...

Something small won't hurt, will it? Short & simple so he can ignore it or brush it off easily. How to start? Hello? Too formal. Greetings? Too cheesy. Hi? Too yuppie. So, a nice casual Hey is in order. Then a How are you? Non-discript, harmless, gives me an idea of what the waters are like. Oh, and ask him about his weekend. If he wants to talk, he'll expand on it. Send. Damn! Should I have signed off on it? Oh well, too late now.

Waiting.

Gasp! A reply. Oh, awkward. Interrupting a family gathering. Apologise and drop all conversation immediately. If he needs an escape route or actually wants to talk, he'll talk. OK. Send.

Waiting. Oh, please send back, tell me it's OK.

A reply. Oh, good, he doesn't mind. Go with the conversation he's offered. 5 parties in one weekend? That would kill me. All that travelling, and food, and drink. Best not mention that. Send.

Waiting. He's surrounded by family. Oh, shit, what if they don't know?

A reply. Well, it doesn't sound so bad when you put it like that. I could cope with that at a pinch. But I should still mention about the family asking questions, in case it's awkward for him. Just make it a passing comment. Hmmmmm..... Yes. Send.

Waiting. What if it was too subtle?

A reply. Hmmm... Not too subtle, just not obvious enough. Wait, that's only half the message. Did he hit send early or do I just need to wait for the phone to receive the other half? I'll just wait it out.

A message. You, hit send too early. Proving a point he made with his own message. Whether it was intentional or not, I don't care, it was funny. But he still didn't comment on the family asking questions. Be more obvious. Just ask him directly. Send.

Waiting. Why am I so tense? Do I need him to tell them? Am I scared of what they'll think of me? Do I care? Maybe I just care what they'll think of him because of me. Maybe I'm worried he's embarrassed by me.

A reply. No questions asked. Apparently he hasn't told them either, but I can't know that for sure. I shouldn't assume it. But he's asking me. Simple enough answer. My brother doesn't mind, I'm lucky to have a brother like that. Send.

Waiting. Waiting a while. Maybe they have started to ask him now. Or maybe he's finished talking. Did I say something wrong? I hope I didn't pressure him into telling. And what if I did? What if they ask questions they don't like the answers to? What if they... Still waiting. This wait is driving me insane! Look back over it. Was there something that could be misconstrued or something to cause offence? Oh, how my heart is racing now. I swoon almost with fear.

Calm down! Pull yourself together! There will be a reason. There is sure to be a reason, for he is not an unreasonable man. Just have patience. Read a book, write a poem, draw a picture. Take your mind off it, distract yourself.

I can't do it! Every minute that pass I glance at the screen, waiting for it, willing it to change. That clock lapses and my confidence collapses. How long has it been? Long enough for a war to have been declared, fought and lost in my mind. He's given up on me, at least for tonight. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. And so now I shall retire to bed, to sleep if I can; If I can't, to rest. To count the beats of my heart until the next response form you, or 'til we meet again.

My head hasn't even hit the pillow. A reply! Distracted by dish washing. So simple an explanation. Always was the last to leave after helping everyone else. So kind-hearted. If only more people appreciated it. But he's leaving soon so, I guess, I should say goodnight. No, I don't want that yet. Hope he gets home safe. Send. No, I really should have said goodnight.

A reply. Oh, he's signed off. I guess I have to say goodnight now. At least, I know I'll sleep now.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

I had a strange dream not so long ago. It featured a number of people from the last production I was in, some acting similarly as their characters did, others acting almost the polar opposite to anything they would normally do. It took place somewhere I've never been and I don't remember even seeing it, yet it felt very familiar.

One event in it did strike me as most curious but, only days later the result of that dream event occured in reality, which struck me as curious. I had woken from that dream with a racing heart and sweat on my forehead, but the event in reality happened most calmly.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

It's true. I am a terrible liar. And yet I had half the cast of the last production I was in convinced that one of the other actors was my brother for a portion of the time. So perhaps I am so unbelievable I am believable? No, I just bullshit too often.

So when someone thought I had given them a gift, but I knew nothing about it except that it was similar to another gift I had given to someone else, would they believe me when I say that it wasn't me? I'm not sure. But whoever gave it to him, he liked it, just putting it out there.

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Have I ever felt as anxious as this? If I have, I have no recollection of it. It could not have been so important if I cannot recall it. No I have never been this anxious, this nervous and excited and terrified. I cannot speak, though not for lack of trying. The words simply won't form or, if they do, I cannot force them to move past my lips.

Oh, my lips. These lips have often whispered to you by the stage, bullied you on the stage and still I can say nothing of this to you. Instead, I go on as though the thought had never entered my mind, like the day we met, that fateful day that set us on this path.

I shall walk this path until I cannot walk any longer or there is no path left for me to to walk. The wheels have been set in motion and from here on they will only gain momentum until a speed to suit us is found.

Found you, I did, like a jewel; Mine own and yet not mine own. Glittering in the stage lights, that is where I found you. So beautifully perfect in your glorious finery. I stood in shadows to watch you. I will do so again tonight as you storm across the stage. I will stand by you when I cannot watch you and, when I can do neither, I will wait with you in my thoughts until such a time as I can.

And my thoughts do dwell on you now, every time my pen is lifted from the paper. My heart beats erratically when I think on your face. My stomach churns as I wonder what you will say next I see you. My head grows dizzy as my thoughts spin in circles and spiral out of my control. I could not sleep nor barely rest last night as I lay in bed, constantly fretting over what is to come.

Friday, 4 March 2011

Oh, how beautifully you reflect me. I can see myself so clearly in your carefully polished surface. I can see how Time has built me up and worn me down. I can see how tears have stained my eyes. I can see how the smiles have creased my cheeks and the frowns creased my brow. I can see how the years have distorted my body from its former beauty. So perfectly reflected...

But let's not look at me anymore. Let's study you for a minute. Your slim body strikes envy in me, as does your finely carved face. Only the Gods could create such beauty as is there. You glisten in the dullest light. You shine blindlingly bright in the strongest light. Your keen edge cuts deep without much effort and you don't even care how much it hurts me. And why would you? You have no heart, no soul with which to feel or to sympathise or have mercy with. All you know is this earthly body and the pleasure that it gives. and how it pleases me to see you work, but only when you work upon me.

I crave that you plunge deep within my flesh again. Make my heart beat franticly as it rushes all my blood to you. And may my last bloody drop fall from me and my mind fall silent that you have deprived it of the ability to think, to function. Beat my breast that all the air is stolen from my lungs, so I cannot breathe.Bury yourself in my gore and cut short my life's thread. Release me from myself so I might join your realm, that of inanimate things. Let me lay still. Let me be split, flesh from bone. Let me feel nothing.

Go to your work. Sink your steel deep in my veins. Bleed me dry and hear how your blade sings as it feasts, covered in the crison river's waters. Marvel at how simple it is to strip me of my consciousness. Travel the length of the roads that lead to my heart, opening them up as you go for the maggots who will follow. This is to be the last time we meet in this life, so let's make it one to be remembered.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

I would suppose an introduction is customary when being acquainted with someone for the first time, however, I have filled out some fields on my profile for that very purpose so it seems redundant to do it here. to that end, I am simply going to commence my Collection as of the next blog entry.

I do hope that you enjoy my various ramblings and rantings.

If not, I hope you find something you feel is worth your effort, and that you cease reading mine as of now. No, I mean right now. Away. GO AWAY!