Understand Men. Find Love.

Menu

What Should I Do If I’m Pregnant and He’s Pulling Away?

I recently started dating a guy a couple of months ago; we met on a dating site back in January and were talking for about four months before we actually met. The first 3 weeks were magical! Well, we had gotten into a fight because of his trust issues. His ex wife screwed with his head and cheated on him a lot so, he brought those trust issues into our relationship. We made up and got back together and things were good for a few more weeks and he became upset that I had checked my email on a couple of dating site that I used before I met him. He still has his profile up and I didn’t make a big deal about it but he didn’t want mine up. Well, hence another fight. The day we got into the fight I learned I was pregnant. We both took a couple of days to evaluate where we are and where we want to be. We finally spoke and made up a few days later.

When we first started dating he called me babe or sweetie all of the time, texted me, and initiated conversations via text. When we are together it is great! I love being together with him but, he doesn’t want to spend the night and now when I text him they are short answers and I feel like I’m bothering him. He works a lot of hours and has 2 kids so I understand that he can’t always talk, but he just seems so cold and distant when we aren’t together. I am scared to have this baby and him not want to build a life with me. All I want to know is where he stands. I am so confused and I am starting to fall in love with him. I don’t want to put all this work and energy and love into this relationship if he is just not longer interested and is just going to walk away. I’m so scared and confused. If I wasn’t pregnant with his baby I wouldn’t worry, but now that I am I just want to know that he will be there for me and with me. Please help!
–Jules

Dear Jules,

I’m answering your question in spite of (because of?) the fact that I just did a postabout whether men should be forced to pay for children they didn’t want. I want to shelve that discussion for now, because my feelings about that are irrelevant to my feelings towards your own dilemma.

I’m not sure how to say this diplomatically, so I won’t: your relationship is doomed.

And let’s be clear: this is one helluva dilemma.

I’m not sure how to say this diplomatically, so I won’t: your relationship is doomed.

Why am I so pessimistic? Let me count the ways:

“We talked for four months before we actually met.”

That means you fell in love with a stranger. Fell in love before you met him. Before you kissed. Before you ate a meal. Before you had your first fight.

Your cart is way before your horse.

“The first three weeks were magical!”

So are the first three weeks of every relationship. That’s how relationships get started! You do know that three weeks isn’t a really significant amount of time, right? You do know that you don’t get to see all sides of a person for a few years, right? You do know that you can’t build a lifetime on three magical weeks, right?

Oh, dear…you didn’t know that, did you?

“Well, we had gotten into a fight because of his trust issues…We made up and got back together.”

Your beloved boyfriend of three weeks has trust issues. This is a big red flag, which you probably could have seen coming if you didn’t make him your boyfriend so fast. So now, you’re in love with a man you’ve barely met, and you have your first fight! And he quickly breaks up with you! And then you quickly make up with him!

The only decision you have is whether you’re going to keep the baby.

And now everything’s supposed to be okay? Forgive me if I’m not sold.

The day we got into the fight I learned I was pregnant. We both took a couple of days to evaluate where we are and where we want to be. We finally spoke and made up a few days later.

This is where it starts getting sad and I can’t maintain any level of snark. I just want to give you a hug. Listen, Jules, I’m really sorry you’re hurting right now. You’re experiencing what everyone has experienced before you – the feeling of getting your heart broken by an unrequited love whom you overestimated due to chemistry.

The difference is that you’re pregnant.

It may or may not matter why you got pregnant. Did you forget your pill? Did he use a condom? Did it break? Did you have a spontaneous moment of passion without any protection? No matter what happened, you’re in the same place: you’re pregnant and you’ve got a man who doesn’t want to have any part in your life.

There. I said it.

You’re asking me “where he stands”. That’s where he stands.

He knocked you up, he completely regrets it, and he wants to run.

I don’t know this for a fact, of course. But the short-term nature of your relationship, the personality conflicts, the making up and breaking up, the trust issues, and the post-pregnancy pull-away give me all the signs I need to conclude that this is NOT your future husband and that you should NOT be wasting one more second on him.

I hope you can see in retrospect that he was never really your boyfriend. He was a stranger. A stranger that you feel you loved, but a stranger, nonetheless. You slept with that stranger, he knocked you up, he’s distancing himself and you’re still intent on ignoring his colossal flaws and trying to forge a relationship with him.

Babies deserve fathers who WANT to be fathers, men who are fully committed to their wives and families. Unfortunately, you can’t MAKE a man want to be this way.

Please, stop.

The only decision you have is whether you’re going to keep the baby.

If you’re not, then you can terminate your pregnancy and your man simultaneously.

However, if you ARE keeping the baby, please be aware that, by making this decision, your child will probably not have much of a father. I’m not saying whether this is right or fair. I’m saying what is patently obvious to a third-party observer. This guy does not want a future with you, nor does he want to support a baby for the rest of his life. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But I’d be surprised if he stepped up.

I also believe that babies deserve fathers who WANT to be fathers, men who are fully committed to their wives and families. Unfortunately, you can’t MAKE a man want to be this way. He either feels it or he doesn’t.

So understand, Jules, if you choose to bring this baby into the world, you are also choosing to give yourself and your baby a great hardship: a tempestuous, mistrustful, busy absentee father who has no interest in being a part of either of your lives.

If it sounds like I’m weighing heavily in one direction, that’s because I am.

You have the right to do whatever you want. All I wanted to make clear was the consequences of your decisions.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, my friend. I hope you make the right call for you and your family. Please come back and let me know what you chose.

Comments:

1

Julia

I agree with Evan 100% you have a choice, if you choose to terminate you can proceed with your life, find the man who will be your husband then have a child with him when you are both ready to have a family. If you choose to keep you will be a single mother and your child’s father will likely be in and out of their life if in it at all.

Also if you do choose to terminate, I would strongly urge you to be very serious about birth control in the future and when things go awry to use Plan B which is available over the counter. I know too many women who’ve had abortions who get pregnant by the next wrong guy within a year. They have all ended up single parents one way or another.

This advice is horrible advice! I am pregnant by a man that doesn’t want me. I’m sorry but I’d never give up my baby. There are millions of single moms out there! That baby can feel loved with or without a father. The father is the one that has to answer for that. The baby deserves a chance at life and the baby deserves to be here to be loved by his or her mother! Just because the father isn’t there doesn’t mean the mother’s life is over.

That’s great that you stepped up and said so. It’s not right to take it out on the innocent life of the baby. Thank him for the semen and flourish into you and your babies life with a positive look at your future.

Why does baby deserve the chance for life? Did you ask the baby or its just your selfish decision. And what kind of life for baby without father? What about financial, psychological, emotional issues? Isn’t there enough studies done that child needs BOTH mother and father for healthy emotional and psychological development.

Don’t try to argue with anti-choice people. Logic and reason holds no sway with people who take their cues from religion.

…

Lisa

I had a baby on my own…ditched when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. I was lucky enough to have parents who welcomed me with open arms. My dad is really my son’s dad as well…not his father!….but his dad. It was interesting to see the way my son reacted to a man’s voice vs my voice. Kids should have some sort of male model…. My son is now 26 and a very well balanced kid (always a kid to me)….but I allowed him to be ‘raised by a village’. He spent a lot of time with my sister and her family, and with my parents. I’m not sure what decision I would have made back then, if I had known all that would unfold…but obviously now, I don’t regret it…..but it wasn’t easy….

…

Rachel

I wasn’t raised with a father and I turned out fine. I’m also a soon to be single mother. It’s your choice and I chose to keep my child. You WILL be fine either way, and don’t ever think that your love life is over.

…

Kathy

my dads it around and I’m telling you I want to live. Thank you.

…

Rosie

Hum, Evan? Your point confuses 2 different things and lacks rigour. You can decide not to get an abortion, believe in the beauty of life and conception, never want to abort yourself, and still be pro-choice (like me)…

For instance, I believe in women being masters of their body; but, I also think that, if for whatever reason I get pregnant, I will most probably decide to keep it. To me, abortion is not a contraception method and if used as such is against *my* beliefs. If *you* use it as if, let’s be honest here, I’ll obvisously judge you for what I believe is a lack of character, but would never stop you from doing whatever you want with your body.

Though, if the baby is ill, I get it. If you get raped, I get it. If you are too poor to take care of yourself and someone else, I get it. If you are mentally unstable, I get it. If you really don’t want anything to do with it, you shouldn’t be forced to be a mother. Otherwise, getting pregnant is just called life, and *I* embrace it.

BTW, I was raised by a single mother. It was hard because my mother was unstable, but I am alive and well. Had she gotten the help she needed, I don’t even think I would have noticed our situation.

You wouldn’t have to have an issue if the government insured that the men who fathered the children actually took care of them.

Take your anger out on these men who choose to walk away from their responsibility. Everyone knows there is an risk of pregnancy everytime you have sex. For a man to say I’m not ready to be a father is a copout. He decided that the moment he decided to have sex. Those who don’t agree probably shouldn’t be having sex.

If you took precautions and got pregnant anyway, it was meant. If you didn’t take precautions and got pregnant, then you wanted it to be.

I applaud the women willing not to walk away from their responsibility, those who make the choice that is right for them, not what he wants or what society wants ( who’s opinion changes depending on which way the wind blows). Your life, your decision, no one else’s business. How do you want to say you lived your life… the way YOU wanted.

…

Tc

You will be paying for welfare regardless of this individuals choices. Welfare is a system that will never go away and we pay it through taxes. So being someone who works for welfare, i say give the people what they need since its always going to be available. Let me shed more light, when people are not using welfare then more services are offered to people on it. The more people on it the less funding available for other programs or services. So if its 1 billion dollars its 1 billion dollars. Not 2 billion because more people got on, the 1 billion is redivided.

…

Jonathan

Too bad. That’s ‘MERICA for ya!! Don’t like it, leave. It comes out my check too, but not a damn thing you can do about it.. (Says the middle class white man)

1.1.8

Krystal bordeaux

That is true but a woman can not teach a man to be a man. Yes true indeed the baby would be loved but she has to think about the future of her self and the baby. I was a single mother and it is very hard nothing easy sometimes you have to take the emotion out and truly make the best decision because if she decides to keep the baby she is robbing that baby of a father/son relationship..

So just because a father will not be present the child’s life will crappy?….This is the most feeble minded thing I have ever heard! So a single woman is not capable of taking care of a child on her own? If this is the case a half of you responding to this probably should have been aborted. “Well he doesn’t have a father so just kill him.” Smh…sad.

I AGREE WITH THE PEOPLE ON THIS POSTS THAT SAY YOU DON’T NEED A FATHERLY FIGURE TO RAISE A CHILD. RAISE IT THE RIGHT WAY, WHEN HE OR SHE IS OLD ENOUGH THEY WILL SEE THAT NOTHING IS MORE THAN A MOTHER’S LOVE. NOONE SAID IT WILL BE EASY ALONE, EVEN IF YOU HAVE FAMILY TO SUPPORT YOU, YOU KNOW THAT FATHER JS GONE. BUT WAKE UP PEOPLE FATHER’S CAN LEAVE AT ANY TIME OF PREGNANCY OR YOUR FUTURE TIME W THE BABY. YOU TWO CAN GET MARRIED THEN HAVE KIDS AND HE LEAVE YOU 5- 10 YEARS DOWN THE ROAD AND YOUR CHILD IS WONDERING WHERE DADDY WENT. A MOTHER OR A FATHER CAN LEAVE AT ANY TIME. IF THE MAN DOESN’T WANT TO MAN UP.1 HE’S A FOO, A COWARD BC HE IS SCARED. MAYBE HE WILL COKE THROUGH AND REALIZE WHEN HE SEES YOUR BELLY. IF NOT..FORGET HIM HE DIDN’T LIVE YOU ANYWAYS…..NO MAN WOULD EVER TELL A WOMAN TO GET ABORTION. I CAN SEE IF A WOMAN GOT RAPED. BUT IM TELLING YOU ALL THIS BECAUSE I GREW UP WITHOUT A DAD, AND ME AND MY MOM ARE FINALLY GETTING CLOSER..BECAUSE I’M 8 WEEKS PREGO ALMOST. MY WHOLE FAMILY IS THERE FOR ME BUT MY SO CALLED BF ALEX DOESN’T WANG TO STAY WITH ME IF I KEEP IT. WE DATED FOR 6 MONTHS ROUGHLY. MISTAKES HAPPEN. BUT MIRACLES DO TO. HE SAID HE WOULD BE APART AND DO HIS DUTIES FOR THE BABY, DOC VISITS ETC. DON’T U THINK it will kill me when he’s there and I know he’s not there because he doesn’t want to be with me. I kinda don’t want him there at all. Today’s day you don’t need two parents. It’s sad it really is but God works in mysterious ways. And so can he if he truely loves u he will stick around he’s just scared and panicing…. my boyfriend whatever he chooses that’s on him and I will never forgive him making me get an abortion. Maybe one day he will come through. If not…my baby and I will be ok.

…

dandy

If she raises the baby how is she robbing him/her of a relationship with the dad? No honey, that’s on “dad’s” shoulders, not the mom. Of course I’m not saying there’s not women out there that don’t keep men from seeing their kids, but 99% a man will claim mom is keeping him from the kids when in fact he doesn’t have any interest in being a father. He’s just not trying because the baby was unplanned and he doesn’t want to deal with it.

1.1.9

DB

totally agree …if u have support from family and/or friends you got this! Anybody can be a father/sperm donor but only few can be dads. Plus abortion takes a toll on u mentally and phiscially that will have consequences in the future. But deciding to accept ur blessing and be a mom….wow now that a tough woman. Forget statistics, trust God has ur back in everything u do and watch everything will be provided for u and ur baby. U may even find a real dad for ur baby. I know I did.

Bravo Alison! My 21 year old daughter,( who had no intention of being a mother, nor was she trying to trap any man) got pregnant by one night of irresponsibility sexually, by a male she has been seeing on and off for a couple of years. She believes life begins at conception; therefore abortion was never on the table. The guy is a complete jacka$$, which of course hurts her. When it was a fun and games thing, his lack of character was not an issue, but now it is very apparent. She is scared, she is angry at herself for getting into this situation, she doesn’t want to give up her freedom, but she is because it is the right thing to do. I know she will get through this. I am doing everything I can to be there for her.

This is horrible advice. It takes two to make a baby and not all men man up and that’s not the expectant mother’s fault. I’m two months pregnant and my boyfriend of more than one year took it badly. And he said I should take the abortion pill and he makes $400k a year. I’m ignoring him even though he threatened he would not be involved in the child’s life long term. So men are just that selfish. But as a mommy-to -be it’s important to stand up and do what you think is right. And be strong for you and your little one.

I love how men who got here through the love of a mother use the love of another then act like we are stupid for caring for our child who is in blood and essence them.

I am pregnant by a very wealthy man who acted as though I am the plague now that I’m pregnant and wants nothing to do with me or our unborn daughter.Even claimed hes sterile…good one. Threatened me legally, financially, physically.

Funny he sure seemed to enjoy everything prior and asked me not to see other people and talked about how bad he wants kids….

I agree, the thought of terminating a baby’s life is horrible. I know of someone who is in this situation. I will not mention names. He has known this lady since they where in 3rd grade. The parents know each other as well. He deceived this girl asking her to stop taking the pill and spoke about becoming a family, purchasing a home and finishing his schooling. Their is also a 6 year old child involved here. He would send christmas cards signed as her Step Dad!! After a year and a half of dating she finds herself pregnant. I am really upset for his lies and deception, not to mention the mental state of this 6 year old child. Now, he wants her to abort and wants nothing to do with her or this unborn child.

Realistically speaking, (almost) every woman will be left alone with her baby at some point of her life. Sometimes it is when the baby in not yet born, sometimes when the bay is small, sometimes when the baby reaches teenage years…whatever the timing, it surely happens. Just look around. If you want a baby and feel up for having it and giving him/her all the love you have, go for it! Do not look at anyone else, who will or will not participate with you on your journey. Don’t listen to anyone’s advice, it is their perspective on life you are hearing. Tune into your own feelings and how you feel about it. It is your life and you need to feel fulfilled at the end, whatever that means to you. In life things do not always happen in a linear way. A right man will come into your life at some point, I guarantee you that. He may not be a biological father, but will surely love your baby just as he will love you. If in doubt, always ask yourself “what decision will I more likely regret 20-30 years from now”? This often puts things in a much needed perspective.

Yes please. Why would one put all the stress on the innocent child. I believe babies are blessings from God. If you terminate the pregnancy you’ll live in a pull of regrets for the rest of your life when at one point it turns out you can’t bare children anymore.

Actually there are studies that have found that the baby is actually more inclined to be affected by the fathers moods/presence.

A father and mother both contibute to the emotional health and well being in very early stages of life..and throughout their whole life.

Your child not having a father being a constant loving reliable source of safety will no matter what will phycologically damage your child.

I know you say there are many single mothers out there..that doesn’t account for the reality that the children can not get what they need emotionally just from a mother, and inevitably will suffer for that.

I have made the choice in a similar situation myself and even though it hurts. I know I made the right choice. I wasn’t selfish subjecting my child to pain I could not control, I loved my child more than that already.

Here I am a year later. My child only has a mothers love and the love of her grandparents. She is an extremely HAPPY little girl. I have no regrets in being pro life. She has all the love she could ask for. You can’t miss what you never had! I am mommy and I am daddy. My baby girl is okay with that. To say that she will grow up psychologically damaged is not true. She is happy, healthy, and very smart. I’m glad I didn’t follow advice to abort her. I wouldn’t change my life with her for ANYTHING!

Maybe you’re right.but its true most children without father or a lack of family supportsystem often end up in psychiatry when theyre old due to a lack of orientation in life… so its not only: i want that baby. Would be good if it were so though!

Amen!!! The man I have met has pulled away as well. I already have 3…I’d not ever “get rid” of my baby..God grants life and for His reasons do we not question. Pls take care of yourself and that baby. Go from there! Best wishes!

No it’s not. The author is NOT telling her to terminate, she is simply stating the fact the baby will not have much of a father figure, this is something the potential mother must be willing to accept if she goes ahead with the pregnancy. She did not say anything against single mothers. She did not say the child would feel unloved.

You have taken this far too personally and have not understood what the author has said.

God bless you Alison!!. God will make a way & bless you &a your precious child. God is the perfect Father to the fatherless. God be with you & many others . We are the carriers of life. Not the terminator. No matter the outcome of a relationship. When a woman is blessed with a precious baby. God meant for it to be given life . Not death. So thank you so much. God always makes a way .. be blessed! Praying for you, baby & other woman young & older in your situation. God bless❤👶🏻💞🙏🏽

Alison, Per my understanding the advice simply states that she should know that if she decides to keep the baby, she’ll be on her own. Meaning, she should not expect this strange dude to be in the child’s life coz he’ll likely not be there. Just coz there are millions of single moms out there, it doesn’t mean it’s fine to be a single mom. Then, it’s a selfish decision bringing a child into this world knowing that s/he won’t have both parents around. To me it sounds more like emotional satisfaction than anything! Societ has made it acceptable to be a single mom and this is wrong. I have plenty of friends who are single mom and they are great at it but wish their baby fathers were around. Not to mention the psychological effects that these kids experience as they see their friends with both parents. So, enough with this single mom stuff coz it’s not a walk in the park for with the mom or the child.

Do what is best for you. I am five months pregnant. Me and the father dated for five years. My birth control failed. I had had an abortion a year prior to this pregnancy. We both agreed we weren’t ready. Needed to finish getting our degree’s. But I am keeping this one. He is getting cold feet. I just let him chill in the ice. I can handle my own. Focusing on what you need to do for you and the baby is the most important thing you can do. And for the dumbnuts talking about welfare. Do your research please. A lot of single moms get on welfare. Why? It helps them, they get a education etc and make more later on in life. Welfare success stories. People are bitter because of the welfare abusers. I can understand that. But we cannot judge every welfare case the same. Ik successful lawyers that had to be on welfare during school. So get your facts straight. It helps the economy more then you could imagine. I am also pro choice. Each life is different. We walk a curvy path. Bumps and holes. The paths are never the same. You make your own choices. Never let’s anyone tell you what’s right or wrong. Or what to do. They’re amazing successful people who did not have a father figure. And we have drug addicts that had a father figure. Once again just because some did a study on 100,000 kids with no fathers. Doesn’t compare to the billion of children out there. So can we really rely on studies like that. Everyone has opinions. We all judge.. Out loud or in our minds. We all do human nature. The smart ones know when its appropriate to voice their opinions or just keep it to themselves. Saying someone should do this or that because of what you believe in. How is that helpful for them to make the decision that’s best for them. To things like this do not go searching for advice from people who do not know you on a personal level. Take time to yourself to think. What is best for me. All these opinions pull you one way then another way. So on and so on. Tug of war gets tiring. I am not check my grammer I did this on my phone.

well you are 100% pro abortion and actually trying to inflict your childish views on others. maybe the reason your friends keep getting knocked up by random “wrong” guys is because they just get frivolous abortions and never have to deal with the reality of their actions. how about DONT murder your offspring and THINK about who you;re having sex with. i dont know, if you want to get pregnant and then terminate numerous times in your life thats cool (not really, you should be murdered yourself). but your parents didnt abort you and idk how you can put a price on that. or ration it with “your child’s father will likely be in and out of their life if in it at all.”

Mary, you sound crazy when you say.. but your parents didn’t abort you. I must tell you that having children is more for the parents than it is for the child. So, get that in your head. Do you think ppl are happy being in this world? I’d rather abort and spare my potential child from all the misery and the evil that is in this world! We all gonna die eventually but why subject a child into the misery of this world? Spare them with an abortion. In your right mind, do you think ppl just get pregnant to abort it? Girl, get serious. Get real.

This is good advice by Evan. I am curious though with the facts of this case, is this a grown woman or a teenage girl? Waiting so long to meet then saying the first 3 weeks are amazing like its so rare, getting preggo so fast, etc, makes it sound like this person has little experience in the mating and dating world. Sounds like its one of the worst things to happen to a teenage girl whereas a grown woman who has been around the dating world wouldn’t have these issues.
On an off topic note I saw “We’re the Millers” this weekend. Without giving away the hysterical plot, the guy who plays the character of Pablo Chacon (the real druglord in the movie) looks exactly like Evan if Evan had facial hair.

Just tell him you are getting an abortion and do it or give it up for adoption. This is not going to be pretty. Unless of course you are financially able to support the child on your own and are over 30. Under 30, abort or adoption

What is wrong with you guys everyone none of yall have the right to speak like this. She asked for advice so if yiur not helping her why did tou even reply i think you guys should have never been born how about your moms abort you or did not care to give you away for adpotion. Say what ever you will the woman Jules is pregnant and heart broken and this is all u guys can say is abort im pregnant every baby deserves to live what if your kids were killed or aborted. This is craxy i hate the world we live of course you say whatever cones to mind and dont care cause its not you. But remember what goes ariund comes back around. At the end of the day jules your blessed and your baby loves you with or with out a dad.

Tell them! I’m preganant right Now and the thought of all these people saying to abort pisses me off! I love my baby with all my heart and I don’t care if my bf will be with me to raise the Baby or not I will FIND A WAY!!

im with u….abortion should never be an option…it’s a precious baby. I’m 34weeks pregnant but early on we got a scare and everyone told me to abort I went crazy…that was my sweet baby they wanted to kill!!

Exactly I’m aso pregnant 3 or 4 weeks and my husband wants me to get an abortion he seems to be changing to cause he knowsin not going to do it but I like your comment everyone who was telling her to get rid of her baby is wrong it’s not the baby’s fault that all this happened

3.1.3

Nini

I am going through a similar experience. I met someone online but we met immediately and we hit it off immediately and months of the seeing each other it was almost everyday thing of us being together. A lot of back and fourth after fights but we always would come back to each other no matter what pain we inflicted on each other.
We feel in love. I moved in with him cause myself and my roommate had a problem. that was for a few months I left after a fight we had got a room and we broke up cause of the way I exited the house, And that’s when I found out I was pregnant with his child.
When I found out he didn’t want the baby and put me through hell but at no point did I give up on what my baby needed and try to make him see this was our mistake but the baby is innocent and needs him. So once I felt he would never change how he felt I made the decision to move with my mother out of state.
Once I told him I was moving away he changed his tune and told me to move back in he can’t be with out me that he’s not ready to start a family but he will be here for us and that he truly loves me and can’t live with out me. Smh after all the hell and me almost walking away it took that for him to see he wanted us. I am four months now and he’s been very good to me. He totally changed. I always give him a friendly reminder that anytime he changes back to his nasty ways I will even take the baby I will not beg him to be in his child’s life but the child will always be there for him to be in his or her life. So far it’s ok so let’s see!
You can choose your own path f@&k what everyone else feels about your relationship with the dad he may just be scared. He may just be a true asswhip who knows but if you want this baby you keep this baby. Many mothers love their child and take care of them whether the father is in their life or not. Don’t get me wrong I think two parents are better than one but is not your babies for and why should you discard this blessing because of one butthead. Take care be strong there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s been a year I’ve been with him whom would of thought Huh. Take care doll.

Better to tell the honest truth to someone so that they can judge an outcome of the situation they are in properly. Life does account for not hurting someone’s feelings. Things happen just as she became pregnant.

You have the choice to do what is best for you when you know the entirety of a situation. That will in turn effect how long the situation will continue to affect you.

I would only ever be brutally honest with people I love, because I would never want them to lie to themselves. To sugar coat something is to deceive someone of reality.

Tyshay, if you care so much about preserving life why don’t you go adopt children that are already in this world suffering coz they don’t have parents, food, shelter or clothing? You ppl are such hypocrites! You claim to care about life yet you choose to bare offsprings when you know damn well that they are already children in this world who need at least a parent. Reproduction is all about emotional satisfaction and nothing else! So, enough with this pro life shit!

Like seriously? Is this the way people think? Over 30 or under 30 you don’t have the right to take away somebody’s life. I know it is just a fetus. But it has life. For God’s sake, they choose to have sex..and they are old enough to know what might be the possible consequences of sleeping together. And whether the father will stepped or not, or one is financially incapable of raising the baby,.. There are other options you might want to consider..foster care/ Adoption is one. But Jules, pls do not terminate your pregnancy. It is your own flesh. Children are God’s gift. Love your child just as your parents have loved you.

Unfortunately is the horrible world we live in the systems designed to protect and care for children are the continuation or primary source of abuse and neglect that they are supposed to protect them from.

Foster homes account for a huge percentage of child sexual assault cases. As well as neglect, physical abuse, and of course detrimental damage to the child phycologically.

What has being over 30 got to do with anything? Sick of seeing comments from people who think they know it all, it’s what is right for the individual person and nothing else, sorry I just think that comment is short sighted and rude. Someone can be over 30 and still not be financially stable, I’m under 30 and earn more than my parents combined everybody is different, and money is not everything. You don’t need lots of money to be rich!

I hope that she has a support system in place and that she will choose to keep the child or allow a good family to adopt. I have been in this situation, although my circumstances were different. It is a scary place to be, but for your health and the health of your child, eliminate the drama that dad brings. If he wants to do the right by the child that’s wonderful but prepare to do it without him. You have to focus on you and your baby now.

I have been in your shoes (sort of)- got knocked up early on by a man with whom I was/am clearly not compatible with. The BIG difference here, is he immediately asked me to move in with him, introduced me to his family, began remodeling a house for us. I moved out when my son was 10 months old. Despite the fact that my son has a wonderful and fully involved father and extended family- it was absolutely, hands down, the hardest most awful experience I have ever been through in my life. The level of depression and stress I experienced while caring for an infant/toddler almost broke me. It pushed me so far from where I ultimately hope to be (married with kids). I still cry to think about it, and my son is now 4 years old and very well care for. I have a great life, but wonder where I would be if I had made a different choice.
On the other side of the coin, I had an abortion many years ago, and I can tell you it was WAAAAAY easier and carried a fraction of the heartbreak going through with the pregnancy did. I cannot tell you which way to go- but had to share my experience. This is not a road you WANT to walk down- maybe you feel you must, but do not fool yourself into thinking it will all magically be ok. It will not. You will have to fight tooth and nail to claw yourself out of this mess if you decide to follow through with the pregnancy- again maybe you feel you must, but be honest with yourself about the ramifications here.
Best of Luck to you, sister.

Bitter, divorced men are undate-able. Sorry to sound like a Monday-morning quarter back, but she should have screened for that in the first couple of emails, and cut him off early. Never waste 4 months of emails on a bitterly divorced guy. Dr. Diana Kirschner calls them “burnt toast.” It’s one of the deadly dating patterns to watch out for. Burnt-toast guys are not date-able.

My heart goes out to you Jules! I got pregnant at 19 and chose to go the road on my own due to the fact that I got involved with the wrong guy and then expected the impossible from him. It wasn’t easy, but I had a strong support group. My son is now 31 years old and the best thing that ever happened to me. He fills my heart with pride and has brought me so much joy over the years! We are best friends. However, it was always a struggle financially. You are going to have to do some heavy soul searching girl. Follow your heart.

Ugh. Agree with Evan 100%. The only decision at issue here is whether she wants to keep the child. He is no longer relevant, except possibly to assist in the expense of an abortion, if that’s what she chooses. He’s already proven he’s not boyfriend material, let alone co-parent material. I don’t know why, but countless woman still view pregnancy — accidental or not — as an avenue for hanging on to a man. The wrong man. This is unfair to all parties, especially the child. This is the time for clear thinking, not delusional happy-ever-after hopefulness. I hope she gets support from friends and family with whatever decision she makes. P.S. I agree that the “burnt toast” guy is not datable. It’s always the same story: he has “trust issues” due to his big, bad, mean ol’ ex-wife. Boo hoo. It’s a lame-ass excuse for unacceptable behavior. Got trust issues? Don’t date.

krystal it is not unnatural for a woman or a man to have kids before they find the one for them, that’s gonna be with them forever.. sometimes it works out in that way and I’m not speaking from a holy outlook I’m speaking of how the universe brings people together and how the universe helps us find our way… sometimes I wonder what we as ppl go through in life to make our thinking so extremely bias.. if we would learn that worrying was something we were not designed to do and continue to LOVE with every fiber or our being we would breeze through life effortlessly.. the issues and conditions that we go through wouldn’t really be that just lessons

I was in a similar situation at the age of 29. I chose to terminate the pregancy. Three years later, I married a man who was unable to give me children. The marriage lasted 12 years. I am 51 years old and with the exception of that one time, I never conceived a child again.
I think that it might be wise for this young woman to weigh the pros and cons of raising a child alone. She may choose no to, but abortion doesn’t have to be the final solution. She could opt to carry the child to term and then place it up for adoption. Looking back, I would have considered that option rather than terminiating the pregancy.
Just my two cents..

I’m shocked at the calls for abortion just because the father is a bad guy. This is a human life we’re talking about. Take accountability for your actions and have the child, and accept that the father will be a dud. If I got knocked up tomorrow by a dud I’d still have the child, it would be my responsibility to pull things together and accept being a single mom.

Jenna your comment is not realistic. Child deserve parents who wanted them and love them. This man really doesn’t want to be part of her life and raising a child alone is very big commitment.
Take time think about what is best for yourself. The choice you choose is the right one for you. Don’t feel judged or shamed by others.

Zara who said that her child wouldn’t get parents that want and love her???? The man that will make her and her child happy doesn’t necessarily have to be the child’s father.. she could have been with the father and they were happy but as time went on things could have changed and maybe he no longer wanted anything to do with them does that mean that the child should be killed or given up for adoption then.

I completely agree. People need to understand this is a personal choice. What ever choice you make you have to live with it for the rest of your life. The fact that people view this as black and white prove they don’t understand the emotional impact being pregnant has on a woman. Even if your happy about the pregnancy it is still a life changing event. Add in complicated circumstances and your looking at a potential tramatic event. For those who say that a mothers love is enough then let me tell you how hard it is being raised by a single mother. My mom raised three children by herself not because my dad walked away but because he passed away. My dad didn’t chose to leave when I was six. But my mom did a wonderful job given the situation she was in. However the impact on me and my siblings was heartbreaking. I could never imagine the pain for a child to realize their father didn’t love them to raise them. Before you judge any woman for making a choice you must realize that what she chooses changes her life. It’s a very personal choice that public opinion needs to stay out of. It’s her life and her family so back off

And you have every right to chose what is right for you and what you would do Jenna.
This is about what is right for Jules and what she wants to do.
She needs all the information so she can make an informed choice. Not telling what to do.
Her body, her life, her choice.

Spot on, Evan. I was in a similar situation earlier this year. I’m in my mid 30s, happily divorced and I have the resources to raise a baby solo. however, after many heart to heart talks with myself, I kept realizing that while I want a family, I’m not going to settle for someone who is a weekend dad at best.
It was a very difficult decision for me, as I do want a family and my window of opportunity is narrow. im so happy and relieved that I had the clarity and objectivity to see a situation for what it was: a mistake.
I am so sorry you are in this position. It is a strange and lonely place. Just ask yourself if you can accept a distant and unavailable man for your child. I think you both deserve more.
Best of luck to you. I wish nothing but good things for you!

It is fascinating, although not surprising, to see the stark contrast between the sentiments directed at this poor woman who is unsure about wanting to keep the child (not being sarcastic, I feel terribly sorry for her) and sentiments expressed at the thought of a man in the same position in Evan’s post about whether men should be responsible accidentally-conceived children.
Especially @Rose and Paula, who made posts on that blog entry that are, in spirit, diametrically opposed to the posts they made on this topic. The only difference here is that the roles are reversed.
This woman is in a very tough position. I wish her the best.

Chance my stance was the same on the other post it is the womans body and her who will have to bring the child up if she keeps it. Not the man. So my stance is the same on both threads. Her choice not his.
Her choice if she wants an abortion.
Her choice if she wants to be a single parent.
The other thread was about finacial support once a child was actually here by both parents.
It is a different issue. That is why the laws are different for a woman right to chose what she does with the fetus that is growing inside her body due to body autonomy. But a man does not get to chose if he pays finacial support once a real live child exists.
The court case where a man brought these issues up was overturned for the very reasons I have stated. They are not comparable analogy. The analogy is faulty.

J–it’s not about wanting to go the single mom route. I sure as hell wouldn’t. But people shouldn’t make decisions based on what feels good and is convenient all the time, and I couldn’t live with myself if I terminated my own baby just because I didn’t feel like making the sacrifice. I do get that this isn’t the time and place for an abortion debate and I feel for the poster but this just seems like a tragedy. Abortion is ok in some circumstances, but the discussion of it in this context seems so casual. Perhaps having this baby would be a wonderful gift out of a bad situation.

How can someone be so sloppy about birth control? I am prolife but prochoice. I made damn sure that I was never in this situation, and thankfully at 52 I need worry no longer. From my experience, there are few “accidental pregnancies.” Only women who want to force a commitment. If she wants to raise the baby on her own, more power to her.

There are few “accidental pregnancies” ? Women trying to force a commitment? You are wrong wrong wrong. I am 50 BTW, not some young girl.

My second daughter was an accidental pregnancy. I was in a period of heavy drinking, took a couple Valium and had sex with someone I was casually seeing but not even thinking about committing to. We ended up together because of the baby, but it certainly has not been sunshine and unicorns! We did end up married and had another child, and 22 years later we are still together BUT IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM DID I TRAP HIM! I like to think if I were to trap someone, I would have enough sense to pick someone with money!!!

I agree 100% with Evan. Jules has a very difficult decision either way she decides. Hopefully, she has a good family and/or support system to help her through this. But no doubt, get rid of the guy.
And to post #2 re: Evan looking like Pablo Chacon from We’re the Millers movie….NO WAY….Evan is 100 times better looking…maybe resemblance on the hair and possibly height.

I once had a pregnancy scare when I briefly met and hooked up with a man who was separated (or as I know now, not really) and I can only imagine what you are going through. Men like this seem to shudder away from responsibility and emotional and financial issues are heavy. I don’t judge any woman on her decision. Please do what you feel/think is best for you and I hope you have or find a good support system to help you in whatever you decide to do.

@Aisling 23
I recently realized that many people (both men and women) go around with idiotic ideas about pregnancy and its likelyhood. A friend of my husband (age 42) and this younger lady (28) were having a casual relationship (sleeping occacionally without boyfriend/girlfriend status) for 2 years. She did not get pregnant during this time so he somehow got the idea that either he or she or both are not fertile any more (!!!).
Then, one day, she got pregnant. What a sirprise. They now live together and have a lovely baby boy, and the guy is exstatic to be a father even though he was scared shitless at first.
Also, two of my female friends (early 40s) who have kind of troublesome relationships with their boyfriends have confided that sometimes they have unprotected sex. Their thinking goes along the following lines 1)at this age getting pregnant is less likely, 2)abortion is an option 3)if it is God’s will to get pregnant I might as well test the status of the relationship with this guy. Please note that when women have unprotected sex, their partners very well know that it is unprotected sex (unless the woman lies that she’s on the pill but that’s a deceipt and a totally different kind of story). So, the women know it’s unprotected, and the men know it’s unprotected.
I agree, few accidental pregnancies are accidental in the sense of totally surprising. I would not go to say however that it is the women who want to force commitment (not that women do not want commitment) but more a combination of stupidity and wishful thinking on the part of both man and woman.

@Jenna 22: I understand that YOU couldn’t live with YOURSELF if you chose to abort a fetus (it’s not a “baby” ’til it’s born) or an embryo (if it’s before week 8). But we’re talking about Jules, and we don’t know what she stands on these issues. Me? I couldn’t have lived with myself had I chosen to have a baby with a sweet but financially reckless man and so I didn’t: no regrets.

So, Jules… look into your own heart and see if it makes sense for you to have a baby, knowing that the father probably won’t be around much, if at all. Whichever decision you make, you have my sincere best wishes.

Kiki #26,
I know a woman in her late 40’s who still thinks that if he pulls out prior then you can’t get pregnant. I tried to explain the whole “there’s small traces of sperm in pre-ejaculate” thing to her and that she still could get pregnant, but it fell on deaf ears. According to her since it hadn’t happened to her it was not possible. Some people are incredibly smart in some areas and make you wonder how they can sometimes be sooooo stupid!!!!! I know exactly what you mean. Any people who are that dumb about sex make me want to run as far away from them as possible.
I hope to God that woman I know never gives sexual advice to any younger people!!!!!

I also must voice my agreement with Jenna. It is our body so we decide who we have sex with and how soon, but once a seperate life, a new person with seperate dna is conceived it is our duty to take care of him or her!!!! how dare you say it is in this baby’s interest that you terminate its life… having one parent is better than not being alive for sure… And anyway Evan you are not in a place to advise anyone to have an abortion, that is plain wrong, you’re supposed to be a dating coach!

Every child deserve to live with or without a father you guys need to stop advicing other people to do abortion I am 32 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend is behaving exactly like Jules boyfriend but I don’t care I’m going to have my baby if his going to leave me let him leave

I agree. Since when is killing someone for their benefit a thing. Lets terminate everyone who is considered useless or inconvenient because of their stage in life. Or we can be responsible for our actions that have long term consequences because it is our dilemma. Being a single mother isn’t necessarily a permanent state. Handle your business, don’t kill it. Figure it out. You fiured out how to get where you are without much effort so figure out how to handle it, imagine what you could do with some adult planning and how proud you will be for not being a selfish child about it.

Happy Clients

He was gentle, tough, hugely insightful and extremely accurate at decoding a man's words, his actions, his lack of action, his likely intentions. It was like having a direct line to a man's "private talk."

Julie Z.

"Your email gave me new motivation to be open to new possibilities that didn't fit in my box."

He makes me feel special, goes out of his way for me, doesn't keep me guessing about whether I'll hear from him, gives me his full attention.

Jeannie R.

“Without your help, I never could have imagined that I could be in a relationship like this one.”

I'm in my 60's and expected that I would not have a committed relationship again. I'm still dealing with issues internally of fear and past experiences, as is he. But we can talk about these things and know that we have something special.

Ann S.

"Thank you Evan for your training. In less than one year, I met my fiancé online!"

I learned so much from Evan’s training and FOCUS Coaching… I was passionate about meeting someone who respected me, honored me, and really loved me…just for me. And, I wanted to feel the same about him. I’m thrilled to say that I found that man.

Rachel E.

"Since working with you, I am happy, content, less anxious, more compassionate, more understanding, more patient, loving."

I learned from you something revelatory: men want to make women happy. Sometimes they don’t know how to do that, but my boyfriend really wants to make me happy…