November 7, 2009

Fact is Better: Medical Students Don't Understand The Importance of Carrots

June of 2009 I was rushed to the hospital because it seemed I was having a stroke. It wasn't a stroke. It seems it's actually some kind of brain disease in which no one can figure out. They've been calling it "brain anasthesia." Trying to make the best of the situation, I go into every doctors appointment looking to be entertained.

My most recent follow-up, I was very entertained.

I was brought to a room by a nurse and shortly thereafter the neurologist showed up. This time with another doctor. Usually there are never that many people in these examination rooms.

*looking from the nurse to the new doctor to my neurologist*Me: "You didn't tell me we were having a party."Neurologist: " . . . we're having a party."Me: *eye roll*Neurologist: "This is a medical student. He is excellent at figuring weird things out."Me: "Are you calling me a weird thing?"Neurologist: "Yes. But that's not new news."Medical Student: *chipper* "So what's wrong?"Me: "Are you kidding me? I have to explain everything all over again?"Neurologist: *smugly nods before taking a seat in the back of the room, leans back and closes his eyes*Me: *quickly explains everything that's been going on*Medical Student: "Wow . . . this is an odd situation, hunh?Neurologist: "Yes, she's a conundrum. Enough questions . . . play with your subject already."Me: *stands up and begins performing sobriety tests*Medical Student: "Done this before, hunh?"Me: "Yep."*medical student touches my face and asks me where I can and can't feel him*Medical Student: "Patient is numb on her right side."Neurologist: "That's her left."Me: "LISTEN HERE, PRINCESS, IF YOU BREAK ME WORSE THAN I'M ALREADY BROKEN I WILL HAUNT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP."Neurologist: "Check her heart. It seems a little frigid today."Medical Student: *puts stethoscope to my throat*Me: "I'm not impressed with this situation."Medical Student: *pulls back real quick* "Ow! Loud!"Neurologist: "CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. STOP TALKING."Medical Student: *puts stethoscope back*Neurologist: "I don't want your sass today, Beer Model."Me: *eye roll**they run more tests*Neurologist: "So, what's wrong with her? No pressure, just . . . give us a diagnosis."Medical Student: "Umm . . . this is a very exceptional situation. She's lost her sensory nerves it seems. I don't know, maybe she's . . ."*at the same time* - Neurologist: "Hysterical," Me: "Crazy"Medical Student: "Maybe we need to run an EEG and an EMG?"Neurologist: "Maybe another spinal tap. She loves spinal taps."Me: "And carrots. Love carrots."Medical Student: "Carrots? I don't get it."Neurologist: "You wouldn't it, and what did I tell you about sass?"Me: *eye roll*