(I work in a large home improvement store and I’m the only female in the department. A customer pulls up on his motorcycle and parks it on the sidewalk outside the door, then staggers inside, making a beeline to me despite all the other sales people.)

Customer:*in a loud drunken slur* “Where do you keep your nipples?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Your nipples. Where do you keep your nipples?”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand what you’re looking for.”

Customer:*getting louder* “Where do you keep your nipples?! The titties you mash to start your engine!”

Me: “Oh, the fuel bulbs are kept over here.”

(The customer purchases them and leaves. The other associates actually gave me applause for the diplomatic interpretation of his drunken demands.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I have these wires that are red, black, and white, coming out of my drywall in my garage. I touched them and they did not appear live. I need to do something with them so I can patch the wall.”

Me: “Okay, we can get some caps for you and some electrical tape. Just cap each one individually and wrap them individually with the tape and
you can tuck them back into the wall without any issues.”

Customer: “Should I test them to see if they are live? Should I touch them to my tongue?”