NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

U.S. Currency Finally Achieves Universal Suffrage

WASHINGTON—Saying they had awaited this day for decades, activists across the country celebrated yesterday following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision to grant full and universal suffrage to American currency.

The decision from the nation’s highest court, which was greeted with cheers from advocates and interest groups that have long worked tirelessly on behalf of money, ensures that U.S. dollars can no longer be disenfranchised, and for the first time in history, guarantees that every single one of them will be free to participate in the democratic process with no restrictions whatsoever.

“This is an absolutely historic day for American money; after years of fighting and struggling, our government has finally declared that U.S. cash, irrespective of amount, can no longer be barred from the American electoral system,” said University of Pennsylvania historian Dr. James Mattis, who argued that, while the goal took decades to achieve and at points appeared bleak—particularly during the repressive McCain-Feingold years—few could deny that suffrage for all U.S. capital was inevitable. “This has been a long time coming, and we can now say with certainty that the fight to ensure that every single American dollar has a say in our government is finally over. Now, at long last, all U.S. money has a voice in Washington—a strong, loud, clear voice that can no longer be suppressed or silenced by anyone.”

“This was a long and difficult march, and many fortunes were tragically suppressed along the way, but finally achieving universal suffrage for money makes all those difficult times completely worth it,” continued Mattis. “This is truly a great moment for money across the country.”

Mattis explained that the fight for currency’s suffrage in America dates as far back as the nation’s founding, noting that while pro-cash advocates faced countless setbacks over the course of history, money has always come together in the face of legislative restrictions and judicial rulings to eventually triumph over all legal and political obstacles.

According to historians, the movement suffered arguably its biggest blow from the Federal Election Campaign Act of 1971, which stripped many amounts of currency from playing any role in government. However, a group of defiant advocates in Washington crusaded for the rights of money, and in a major victory for U.S. currency proponents, the Supreme Court struck down several FECA provisions in 1976 as unconstitutional, beginning a gradual shift that has seen money gain a larger and larger voice in both local and national elections in the years since.

According to Mattis, such events blazed the trail for the Supreme Court’s watershed Citizens United ruling in 2010, which was at the time the country’s most significant milestone for currency suffrage. Building on the momentum from that ruling, Mattis noted that money was able to win over many sympathetic legislators in Congress and fund television and radio ad blitzes that successfully promoted its cause, eventually culminating in Wednesday’s decision.

For many longtime advocates of currency suffrage, who have for years maintained that American cash has been denied a significant enough role in determining the direction the country is headed in and who have bravely stood up in the face of popular sentiment against monetary suffrage, yesterday’s ruling was especially satisfying.

“After all these years of tireless effort, it is deeply validating to see the Supreme Court come to its senses and give all money the freedom to engage in the political process,” said 80-year-old business magnate and lifelong currency suffrage proponent Sheldon Adelson. “Frankly, this ruling is long overdue. This isn’t the 1800s anymore; you can’t just leave major political decisions to limited groups of money—you have to hear from all of it. Over the decades, a lot of stubborn, resistant people have tried to rally against expanding the rights of money, but at the end of the day, those efforts to thwart the progress of money’s role in American government failed. Slowly but surely, the strength of cash prevailed. When you have enough cash working together for a single cause, no one can silence its voice.”

“I couldn’t be happier right now,” added Adelson, his eyes welling with tears of joy. “You have no idea what this means to me.”

Sources noted, however, that yesterday’s Supreme Court decision only narrowly passed by a vote of 5 to 4, having been pushed through despite vocal opposition from hardened, dissenting justices who have long attempted to impede the progress of U.S. currency. However, members of the court’s majority took a bold and historic stand in favor of money, arguing that universal currency suffrage is an unimpeachable right and that their decision corrects a longstanding historical wrong.

“There is no right in American democracy more elementary and fundamental than the right to elect political representatives,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in the court’s majority opinion. “Simply put, we cannot uphold the U.S. Constitution while continuing to deny and abridge money from full suffrage within all levels of government. All manner of U.S. dollars—from the biggest bank account to the smallest bills—deserve the opportunity to be heard within American democracy, as well as the full freedom to promote their political interests.”

“And as long as I have a say in the matter,” Roberts continued, “they will be heard.”