Sex, Erections and Frustration

My wife and I have been married for
three years and have been together for almost 10 years. The problem I have is
that I can't hold an erection during sex, though I can during oral. It puts a
lot of stress on our marriage because my wife can't get pleased by me unless I
give her oral, but then I can't have an orgasm because she is tired after she
has one. What do you think I should do?

There are two separate
issues that I see here. The first is your inability to maintain an erection
during vaginal sex, and the second is finding sexual acts beyond vaginal sex
and oral sex that make both you and your partner happy. You could choose to
focus on either one of these issues or on both, depending on what you and your
wife would most like to happen.

You don't say whether
your wife enjoys vaginal penetration or whether this is something that you or
she would like more of; you just say that it's something that's not easy for
you. Since our society usually defines "real sex" as
"penis-vagina intercourse," a couple that has difficulty achieving
this particular act may feel ashamed or abnormal. But plenty of women (and
men!) would choose oral sex over vaginal sex and would feel fine if the focus
of sexual activity moved away from the standard in-and-out and into more
creative territory.

If you do want to try to
maintain your erections during vaginal sex, it is worth talking to a sex
therapist. Since you are able to maintain erections during one type of sex but
not another, it's likely that your problem is psychological rather than
physical, and talking to a therapist could help you figure out what's going on.
You can locate a therapist through the American
Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.

It could also be that
oral sex provides enough stimulation for you to stay hard, but vaginal sex does
not. You could try to add some stimulation to vaginal sex by using cock rings
or vibrators. Cock rings are helpful to some men who are able to achieve an
erection but not maintain it. They prevent blood from flowing out of an already
erect penis and can increase sensitivity and enjoyment. The We-Vibe, a couples' vibrator
that has both an internal vaginal stimulator and an external clitoral
stimulator, might help as well, since the vaginal end of the vibe provides
stimulation to your penis when it's inserted into the vagina. Some men report
that the We-Vibe is too intense for them or makes them come too quickly, but
this could be just the ticket for a man who isn't getting enough stimulation. I
recommend trying different positions for vaginal sex as well. If you have
trouble maintaining an erection in man-on-top, missionary position, being on
the bottom or lying on your side might make a difference.

Beyond the issue of
maintaining an erection, it might be helpful to think of creative new ways to
have sex that are pleasurable to both you and your wife. It sounds like you
both get satisfaction from oral sex, but that who gives or gets first can be a
problem, since your wife (and you?) isn't interested in sex after having an
orgasm. You could try positions that allow simultaneous, mutual oral sex, aka
the famous "69" position, but this doesn't really address the fact
that the person who comes first might be unwilling to continue stimulating
their partner. Your wife could try using a vibrator on herself while performing
oral sex on you, or you could both agree that the person who has an orgasm
first can hold their partner and talk dirty while their partner masturbates.
Some people also find it incredibly hot to watch their partner pleasure
themselves, so you could take turns putting on a show and getting off for each
other. In short, breaking out of your routine and trying new things could
relieve some of the tension in your relationship.

There are also a number
of men's dildo harnesses available, which are designed to accommodate both a
penis and a dildo. These can be used by men for either double penetration
(simultaneous vaginal and anal) or to continue vaginal or anal penetration when
the wearer no longer has an erection, either due to ejaculation or difficulty
maintaining one. Men's harnesses have been increasingly popular at our store as
men explore ways to have fun with their partners while acknowledging their
physical limitations.

Want
Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be
answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions
that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in
this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and
content.

Laura
Anne Stuart has a master’s degree in public health and has worked as a
sexuality educator for more than a decade. She owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’s East Side.