Purple Foods And Other Unasked For Advice. Or, Please Just Listen!

I’ve written a handful of books about listening skills, but I’m still not a perfect listener. I fall prey to a few bad listening habits, even though I try hard not to. So I understand how those people who aren’t conscious of their listening skills can make mistakes. Here is what I wish I could have shared with people who had the listening habit of giving unasked for advice when I was in benzo withdrawal:

Dear friends and family,
When I share my tender and vulnerable truth with you about my iatrogenic illness caused by taking a benzodiazepine as prescribed by a doctor I trusted, and you immediately respond with unasked for advice on what I “should” be doing to get well, I feel unheard and unsupported. I shared my feelings — my fears, doubts, concerns, and frustrations with you in hopes that you could simply sit with me and be fully present with me. It doesn’t help me to hear that you think I’ll get well quicker if I eat purple foods because they have a special vibration to them, or that I need to think happy thoughts, or that I need to take another medication, or a vitamin, or a hot bath or a cold bath, or go for long walks, or short walks, or pray, or meditate, or do yoga, or go vegan, or eat more protein, or go on a vacation, or stay in bed—whatever it is you think I am not doing that I should be doing in order to get well. See, when you give me unasked for advice, what you’re really saying is “You’re doing it wrong.” You’re telling me that all of the research I’ve done about benzo withdrawal doesn’t matter. You know better than me, even though you aren’t the one living in my body. Your unasked for advice separates us, leaving me to feel even more alone and isolated in my illness.

Being present with me and allowing me to share my deepest truth without you giving me unasked for advice is healing for me. I don’t need advice. I just need you to listen to me. Patiently. With an open heart and an open mind. I really just need you to love me right now, and that is what true listening is — love in action. If I do want advice, I’ll ask for it. That’s when it’s okay for you to share your opinion.

That is what I wish I had shared with my friends and family who gave me unasked for advice or had other listening habits that weren’t helpful, like interrupting or stealing the conversation. I didn’t need to hear how their Aunt Edna got off of her benzo. I didn’t need to hear how they had a medical problem and suffered, too. I didn’t need to be interrupted, or the words I couldn’t think of quickly, given to me, or the topic of conversation changed by them, or their texting while I was talking, or a hundred other ways in which they weren’t fully present and open-hearted. I wish I had told them that I didn’t need their words, I needed their time, attention, and their heart. Love heals. And love often shows up in the softness of silence between two people just sharing a moment and their hearts with each other. If words were what my friends and family wanted to share with me, I wish that they had shared these: “What do you need? How can I help?” Those two simple sentences could have relieved my fear of being misunderstood and alone. Those two simple sentences could have been a bridge that my friends and family created and walked over, right into my heart, where they would have helped me the most.

Listening is love in action. It heals. Please, listen to people in benzo withdrawal. Listen to everyone. The world will be a better place for it.

Your story grabbed me from the start. So incredibly true, not just for benzo withdrawal sufferers; but for all people. Effective listening would solve a lot of problems in our society today.

Neets
on July 3, 2017 at 5:50 pm

Wonderful post. You express beautifully what I need when feeling very vulnerable. There was an ouch for me too in seeing that I have done some things that weren’t helpful but even harmful. I’m more awake to all this now – something that personal suffering does.

Hi Jenn, what a truly beautiful post, the words mean so much. When someone actively listens to you and acknowledges your thoughts and feelings, it helps to build you back as a person, and not someone who is ill all the time. I have been dismissed by so many not believing what taking a benzo has done, that is why I feel so much comfort being able to comment and communicate here. My thoughts and views have never been ignored or dismissed here.
Love and hugs across the Pond
Jackie
Edinburgh
My thoughts and love to all x

Jeff
on July 5, 2017 at 2:23 pm

I’ve done loads of research. I’ve read and participated in forums. I’ve read dozens of case studies. And I’ve had counselling; some great and some not very good at all. I believe these blogs may very well be the single greatest source of education, strength, patience, peace, and healing than anything else I’ve encountered. And what’s more, they equip me to do the same for someone else who is suffering. Thank you, Dr. Leigh, for your astounding commitment to helping others. -Jeff

Ruth
on July 7, 2017 at 9:50 am

Great post Jenn….I have lost many friends through Benzo w/d…..because many people who haven’t experienced it do not believe it. But a great reminder to those of us as we heal…..thanks for posting…..
Ruth

Becky
on July 8, 2017 at 7:13 am

There’s no better way to taper. Join benzo buddies online support group. Doors open 24/7 free help from thousands going through it helping each other. Also filled with experienced survivors who have voluntarily stayed to help