Me [23 M] with my fiance [24 M] of three years. I went to the hospital for a week. He agreed to take care of my pets, didn't.

I just got home from a week at the hospital and I'm honestly still shocked this even happened and need an outside opinion.

I was rushed to the ER a week ago, and knew right away I wouldn't be coming home for at least 5 days. I made arrangements with my fiance on how to take care of our pets (A leopard gecko, a ball python, a baby corn snake, two cats, one betta, 12 rats - I breed them).

My fiance lives with me, and although most of the pet care is usually mine anyway since they moved in with me about three weeks ago, I was sure he'd been around me enough to understand the care for them. I made him update me each day with what he'd done, whose bedding was changed, if my betta got her medication, if the rats were doing alright, if the gecko's shed was coming along smoothly, etc etc. He insisted everything was going just as I instructed.

Well I got home last night.

And barely ANYTHING was touched. The gecko's water was old, the baby snake clearly hadn't been misted at all. All the reptile enclosures were cold. The rats hadn't had their bedding or litter changed whatsoever. I thought I was being paranoid and tired at first, and maybe everything just looked worse than it did, but then I realized the betta's infection meds the vet had given me the morning I went to the ER were still unopened.

He tried to lie and say things were done at first, but when evidence piled up he admitted he hadn't done any of it, but said that I was a jerk for calling him out, and that my hospital visit had been hard on him too.

He hadn't cleaned up anything from the accident either. The coffee I spilled was still all over my floor and there was blood smeared on the wall. Granted, I didn't ask him to do this - and we do live in separate rooms (we live in the south US and are in his parents basement - don't judge too hard). So maybe he didn't notice?

It was stressful coming home and having to clean up my entire bedroom of the mess that sent me to the hospital in the first place, but when I tried to ask him to do it he stormed off.

I was so upset at the time that I called up some friends of mine who'd offered to give me a place if I broke up with him in the past. I thought they were exaggerating or kidding, but one of them offered me their basement immediately. The support was overwhelming, and honestly, it weirded me out that they had a whole plan ready already for getting me out. I was scared to tell my fiance because I didn't want things to implode, so I figured I'd wait til closer to the time I could get picked up on.

This morning, though. My fiance did a complete 180. He sent me a heartfelt letter explaining that he understood he'd been selfish and narcissistic about the whole thing and was going to talk to
his therapist on monday about the whole situation. Last night he berated me for all of this and denied any wrong doing, and this is giving me whiplash.

I want to believe that he was honestly just stressed about my visit to the hospital and lashing out, but I was so furious and heartbroken that he broke my trust like that. And my friends have never liked him and really jumped onboard me moving in with them, I'm not sure how to tell them I'm staying if I choose to.

Is this still break up worthy if he apologized?

How do I tell my friends I'm staying with him if I do?

tl;dr: fiance neglected my pets while I was in the hospital and berated me for calling him out on it, I thought I had a wake up call and my friends were going to help me move out. This morning he apologized and I'm worried I jumped the gun

triskadancer 2248

Nope, get out of there.

Anyone willing to let animals suffer just because they're 'stressed' is not worth being with even if he ended up apologizing later.

I took care of my shitty house mate's cat and lizards when she left for a trip, because she asked me and I knew no one else would. This was a person I disliked going on a leisure trip, not my partner needing help because they were hospitalized, and I still treated the whole thing with more care and responsibility than your husband.

Leave this dude like yesterday.

egraces 662

His lack of empathy for OP and his animals is horrifying... and the make-up letter makes me feel more suspicious of his character, not less. This sounds like it could be part of the cycle of abuse (verbal? emotional?)

First, he does something shitty.
Then he reacts frighteningly when he's called out and berates the victim.
Then, he apologizes and claims he's going to do better.
And repeat.

I'd definitely trust OP's friends here. This is a bad guy, whether I'm right about abuse or not.

HalbredPie 197

Apologizes in a letter.

Not to her face. Really sounds like a cycle.

So I agree, stick to your getaway plan OP.

At the very least get some distance. You shouldn't be engaged before the two of you can support yourselves anyway. I think once you leave and have some breathing room from his personality you'll realize how unhappy he makes you and you'll stay gone.

45eurytot7 59

Given title, OP is male

Yes_that_Carl 68

I didn’t get that on the first read-thru and wondered why living in the South US was mentioned. Now it makes total sense.

American_Mary_ 32

I thought it was because they weren't married yet but this makes way more sense.

Ms_Iambic_Pentagram 5

This is classic narcissism. Check out the videos about it YouTube and then RUN. There is NOTHING you can do to change this person. He will end up making you feel like you are insane. I know what I'm talking about because I've been there. And if your friends don't like him? BIG red flag. Trust them, and believe 100% that you deserve better.

br_612 3

After I left an abusive situation years ago I've started giving my friends' opinions on my partners a lot more consideration.

A common piece of advice when someone asks if they're in an abusive (or just bad) relationship is to ask them what they would tell their best friend if they were in the same situation. We have high standards for how our friends should be treated. And while ideally we have similarly high standards for ourselves it can be so easy to dismiss shitty behavior or ignore it because "I love them".

So the fact OP's friends dislike the partner so much they have a basement ready and waiting for OP says a lot about how the partner acts on a regular basis.

Listen to your friends y'all.

Syrinx221 1

The fact that his friends responded in this manner makes me think that this dude is probably a horrible boyfriend.

La_Anarchia 101

Exactly. And this isn't like "oh he forgot to scoop the litter every day so it's a bit messier than usual", this is some pretty simple but very important stuff that isn't even much of a nuisance.

TinaTissue 1

Completely. When my best friend was in the hospital for two weeks after giving birth to her baby, I was the only one who could look after her snakes. I'm terrified of snakes but you bet I made sure they were looked after so my friend didn't have to stress about them when she came back

speecyspicymeatball 90

Agreed. Animals deserve to have their needs met. I suffer from bipolar depression and some days I don’t make it out of bed to feed myself but you damn betcha my dogs have food and water and their dog run is kept clean.

kerixberi 13

i would upvote this a thousand times if i could.

nini551 31

Anyone willing to let animals suffer just because they're 'stressed' is not worth being with even if he ended up apologizing later.

Honestly, I don't think OP's much better by letting his animals suffer in the future when he has to entrust them (or a child) to him again, just because he luvvvvss him so much and wants to maintain the delusion he is trustworthy.

skost-type 6

OP is male, but I agree

VideosofGideon 20

Exactly. I had an old roommate who got a puppy without consulting the rest of us. He was already working 60 hours a week, and would regularly go straight to the bar after work. He had never had a dog before, and he had no right having one at all. My other roommate and I vowed to not take care of his untrained puppy for him.

But of course guess who took care of his untrained puppy for him. Because good people don't let animals suffer just because they have shitty owners.

When my roommate went on vacation for a week, I made him promise to get someone else take care of his dog. He agreed. I assumed he had someone taking the dog. Turns out he just asked his cousin to come by once a day. A puppy cannot be taken care of just by one visit a day. I still took care of the puppy the whole time. On the second day when his "caretaker" came by for the first time that day at 11PM unannounced and filled the puppy's food bowl, and got mad at me when I emptied it back out because he had been thoroughly fed already that day by me, I phoned my roommate and told him to send his cousin away.

Years later when I broke up with my ex, and I never wanted to leave my bed out of depression, my dog was the only reason I left my house. Because she still needed to be walked.

Good people, no matter their objections of feelings, will still take care of these poor animals. OP's boyfriend is not a good person.

Nipples_of_Destiny 19

Yup. I looked after my shitty housemates awful dog when she went on a trip. I hated that dog (and the housemate) but I still made sure she was fed, had fresh water & had her coat on when it was cold out.

whambulance_chaser 18

My SO doesn’t care for my dogs. At all. Hates having animals in the house. When I travel for work, he takes such good care of them. He lets the little one stay inside and snuggle with him in bed. Last week, I was talking to him an hour past his usual bedtime. I asked him why he was still up. That doll of a man was waiting up because he knew my dogs’ schedule for potty time usually had them going out several hours after his usual bedtime. Yep. He was losing sleep so my dogs could pee at their usual schedule. And he doesn’t even like my dogs. But he cares about me and he knows I love them and that’s enough for him.

OP, this guy sounds abusive. He mistreats his partner’s animals. He blames his mistreatment on OP for being sick. Then he lovebombs him. OP, there’s a reason your friends don’t like this guy.

hawkgrl 3

Your SO sounds like such a gem! That's genuinely so sweet and it seems like you both have such a loving relationship, aw!

whambulance_chaser 2

He is a gem :) I am very lucky. It took a long time to find a man like him.

hawkgrl 2

Aw, warms my heart! Happy for you, my dude.

poopiedoo7 1

Yeah, this dude is a keeper!

OP on the other hand needs to dump her man, stat!

Nargles_AreBehindIt 1

I was so upset at the time that I called up some friends of mine who'd offered to give me a place if I broke up with him in the past.

Also, this probably isn’t the first time the fiancé has been a piece of shit.

elonichan -33

It’s just animals dude get over it

JudgeLoki 1041

It's a deal breaker to neglect helpless animals. He's not fixable. Get out.

bfsnakeneglect 426

Damn, you're right. They didn't deserve any of this

katianye 701

Honestly I also find it very telling that your friend(s) had a plan to get you out. That tells me your relationship looks like a war zone from the outside and they had the cavalry mounted up and ready to go asap.

examinatory 97

This stuck out to me as well. I have a friend who is totally blinded by her abusive, selfish boyfriend. Everyone in our friend group has offered her an out. Myself and another friend have a go-plan to use my car to pick up her stuff and his storage unit if and when she wants to finally leave him. Another two offered her spare bedrooms.

You wouldn’t see us doing that for our friends who are in well-adjusted relationships.

basilobs 26

I noticed that too. They were ready for the inevitable. OP your friends know what's up.

The_Bravinator 141

Plus, if you ever hope to have kids, you now know that you ABSOLUTELY cannot with him.

KoolAidMan7980 -7

Taking care of a kid you helped create is a big jump from rats, snakes, and I dont even know what a betta is.

Onetwothreefourdone 74

You’re right, it is. It’s a lot more work. I can see this guy saying, “oh yeah, changed the baby just and hour ago, he must have just made that huge poop. Hmmm, yeah, no idea why it looks like it’s been there all day.”

sweetrhymepurereason 45

Exactly. These are the people that snap and shake the baby. No empathy for a creature your partner loves (even if you’re not its biggest fan, you still make sure they don’t starve while your partner is gone!) is such a dealbreaker.

msfrance 87

The fact that he lied to you about taking care of them is the nail in the coffin for me. Maybe he was too busy or overwhelmed or didn't know how to care for all the pets, whatever, that's fine. But he should have told you he was unable to care for them so that you could have made alternate arrangements, not just sit there and assure you everything was fine while the animals suffered. That's super shitty.

NekoNina 69

Neither did you. I cannot imagine how awful it must have been to come home from an extended emergency hospital stay to find your pets had been severely neglected, and the blood from your injury still left on the walls. You deserve so, so much better than this. The fact that your friends have had a plan in place to get you out of there and give you a safe place to go speaks volumes.

poondi 25

So you know how you love your animals and can't imagine not taking care of them? Thats how a lot of people feel about you. Listen to them if they think this guy is bad news. It's pretty clear from what you've said that he is.

muttprincess 7

Read this a few times OP. The person you thought you wanted to marry cares little for you or the animals. Please leave for your pets sake, if you can’t for yourself. Your friends obviously know he’s bad news. You deserve happiness and the people closest to you know you’re not safe.

Aquarterpastnope 21

If he is worth anything (meh...) he will still clean up his act aftwr you moved out. Take the chance and move. It sounds like he got wind of you moving out and that's the reason for his 180.

VROF 18

You asked him about medication and he straight up lied. The medicine wasn’t even opened. So it sounds to me like he didn’t care if that animal died. I don’t know much about reptile care but some of the other stuff sounds like it could have had fatal consequences as well.

I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to stay with someone who didn’t care if animals suffered and died and lied to you about it. This isn’t about him being sorry or regretting his lies, he didn’t care if animals died from lack of care. Did he even feed them?

Smarag 8

Honestly just listen to your friends they sound like stand up people.

not_just_amwac 2

Neither did you. Hugs.

peely_pineapple 1

You have very good friends. Listen to them.

Pizzaisbae13 4

Right. It's not like your dog didn't get walked one day, or something else that is trivial if temporary. This is too much neglect for too long of a time.

littleorangemonkeys 924

Holy shit leave. The ONLY reason he’s apologizing now is that he realizes what he did is so bad that you might actually leave him. He doesn’t care that he neglected your animals for the week, he cares that he messed up so bad you might not just get over it. His apology is manipulation. What kind is person can just...not take care of living creatures? Sit in the same apartment as them and just ignore them? Not someone you want to marry, OP.

baltyjane 229

The ONLY reason he’s apologizing now is that he realizes what he did is so bad that you might actually leave him.

He may have know the friends didn't like him and/or gotten wind of their plan to take OP in. He's only apologizing because he realizes OP is about to leave.

skost-type 57

this rings true to me too

(A lot of people seemed to miss op is male btw)

baltyjane 18

Whoops, thanks for pointing that out.

soundthebuglenow 1

Both parties in this are male, so the above pronouns are assumed correct

skost-type 12

they edited it since my comment

herp_derp_hag 916

"said that I was a jerk for calling him out"

Oh yeah, this relationship is going to go great.

Your friends have a PLAN ARRANGED for getting you the hell out. TRUST THEIR JUDGMENT.

rubiscoisrad 195

Right? That says a lot, when outside parties have a "when things go tits up" plan.

letstryforaparty 75

That threw me off too and was a big flashing sign that something is very wrong with OP's partner. I've known of and been part of the process of leaving an abuser a few times and I can't think of any situation where the people on the outside had a 'go' plan set up in advance.

thumb_of_justice 35

Yup, that really resonated for me, too. They made a plan. They knew this day was coming.

NonfunctionalSoy 3

she has some amazing ass friends, I wish mine had a back up plan for me

mellybunny 281

OH. FUCK. NO. Girl... I am a mother of rats also.. They are the WORLD to me. My ex would make snide comments about how I spend more time with them than I do with him. I told him if he didn't like my dedication to my babies he can leave..

Do you view your animals as your babies? Because if you do. FUCK THAT. Don't take this selfish man back. Selfish and narcissistic people are cancerous in a relationship when the opposite party is empathetic and compassionate. He failed to respect you. And failed to respect your babies. Then proceeded to not take accountability for his actions and displace his insensitivity onto YOU.

NO EXCUSE TO NOT DO THE BARE MINIMUM FOR ANOTHER SENTIENT BEING. Especially for your rats. I know about taking care of rats. I bet you he didn't even bother petting them or talking to them.

To put the cherry on the top of assholeness.. he did this to you while you were incapacitated and unable to care for them. Putting it bluntly..FUCK HIMMM

bfsnakeneglect 114

wish I could just pin your comment to the top to remind me later if I have doubts

mellybunny 69

Feel free to message me if your certainty starts to waver.

A partner with an undying devotion to animals is a plus.. doesn't have to be a requirement to me.. but definitely a plus.

But what IS a requirement is having basic courtesy, understanding, and compassion about how I feel about my babies and the dedication I put in for their happiness.

He slapped you in the face by failing to recognize the decency. And you weren't even asking for much. I'm livid for you.

VROF 26

You asked him if he was giving an animal medication and he said yes. He lied. That should be enough for you

stopXstoreytime 14

Print it! Multiple copies! Put them anywhere that only you can see, when you need to see them. Trust me.

You’re gonna want to come back and you’ll need to arm yourself with what you need to resist the impulse.

You can do it.

IrisJob 9

Him lying is the biggest issue, because it is PROOF that he did this all on purpose. Not an accident, not because he was stressed, he is simply an asshole.

Matesaint 1

Copy-paste it into a note, and always go back to it !

JeyJeyFrocks_3325 1

See, I wouldn't even know you have to talk to or pet rats. I can totally forgive the pet thing, We have a dog at home. He's not mine, but he's there. If I don't set a reminder to check on him every so often, I completely forget he exists until someone mentions him, much less the type of care pets such as boas and rats and bettas need. I would probable have killed them all within a week by accident.

But I can't forgive the lying. And the note. The note that says "I know I sucked, and I know you want to leave me, but look, look at me, i'm apologizing now so you won't!"

Snail-Party 281

And the fact that he apparently is okay with coffee spilled and blood everywhere?? Did he not see it every day? Wtf! I’d take that as him not caring you were injured/sick. Who would expect you to clean that up after being in the hospital.

thumb_of_justice 136

yeah, nothing says "I really worried about you and felt awful that you were so badly injured you had to be hospitalized" like leaving the blood for the injured person to clean up. WTF is wrong with this man??

raskapuska 58

This honestly bothers me even more than the animals somehow? I can't explain it... like, I can maybe understand the animals not being a part of his routine and him forgetting (even though OP asked about it every single day... and discounting the fact that he's a lying and manipulative POS...) but seeing your partner's BLOOD from an incident so bad it left her in the hospital for a WEEK and going, "meh, she'll deal with it when she's back" is just... wow... I just can't....

nerdgamergurl420 30

It's because neglecting animals is depiscable, but you get the logic (if not condone) that "well he doesn't care about her animals". But not cleaning up the coffee and blood shows that he doesn't even care about her. Which is like - wtf are you even doing in this relationship? Are you a legit sociopath?

Confused_Fangirl 6

That was my reaction. There are very few people who would let an animal starve and then lie about it only to admit days later that they were wrong.

marypoppycock 27

I know a guy who hates bodily fluids. Completely grosses him out, refuses to touch them, clean them, whatever. But when his wife went to the hospital in an ambulance and made a mess when she fainted, you damn well bet he cleaned that room himself.

skost-type 14

Plus, even if OP's fiance couldn't clean the stuff up - you'd think he'd have the whole week to find help with it or SOMETHING, right?

marypoppycock 6

Seriously! I’d pay someone cold hard cash to avoid cleaning up blood.

BrokeTheKaraoke 19

Right, who does this?!

This is some next level Homer Simpson BS. Homer would've made an attempt, at least.

Littlenirnroot

Yep, sounds like a total man-child

conamo 234

So at some point last night he supposedly realized what an ass he'd been but instead of getting up and helping you he wrote an "all about me" letter to manipulate you into forgetting that he is lazy to the point that he could have killed your pets.

Your friend has a space ready for you because they could see that your relationship was headed into abuse territory and they were hoping you'd realize it, too.

HanabinoOto 2

I know, it's so much easier to write "I'm sorry" than to clean a cage.

Maigraith 211

You shouldn’t trust a damn thing he says. Not only did he endanger you’re pets by failing to take care of them, he lied to you every day about it. He’s trying to play nice since he thinks you’ll fall for it and keep his selfish ass around. Run, OP, run far or this is what your life will be with this man. A man who has no problem lying to you, breaking his word, and not giving a rat’s ass about things you care about, then gets mad at you for rightfully calling him out on it.

RecalcitrantJerk 41

and not giving a rat’s ass

Haha pun intended?

No but seriously this guy is awful.

Bipolarmommy84 25

I agree. Him calling you a jerk for calling him out on lying amd neglecting your animals is bullshit. You should not have to watch what you say in order to not offend him. If you cant call him out then how will your relationship progress? You will have to put up with all his bad behaviour and he won't change because he'll make you the bad guy for calling him out.

Your hospital stay was hard on him? How, he didn't do anything.

llama_del_reyy 20

This needs to be higher. The lies are what really bother me. If he'd texted her on the first day to say, 'sorry, I'm just too stressed out to do anything at all', that would be shitty, lazy, and unhelpful, but at least that would have given her the chance to find someone else to step in.

BrokeTheKaraoke 13

One would think this is the bare minimum, but he manages to go lower by just letting them suffer in filth and effortlessly lies to OP on a daily basis.

I know someone that took care of her semi-enemy's cat for months (it was only supposed to be a wk so she was pissed, but never took it out on the cat. She doesn't even like cats at all.)

tonytwostep 6

Completely agree with your point, but just a heads up

If he'd texted her on the first day

unless there's a typo in the title, OP is male.

helendestroy 164

The coffee I spilled was still all over my floor and there was blood smeared on the wall. Granted, I didn't ask him to do this

Dear god. You're engaged and he lives there.

Girl, run. He abused your animals for a week, left your house a shithole because mommy wasn't tehre to clean it up, and then tried to gaslight you about it and called you names.

The only reason he's apologising is because he wants his cleaner back. He is a completely shit person and you deserve much much better.

thumb_of_justice 34

He also wants to get laid again. Dude needs his bangmaid back. Ugh.

OP, please don't get back together with him. After you move out, he is going to ramp up the manipulation.

American_Mary_ 15

Bangdude, by the looks of the title. (Or whatever the male equivalent of a bangmaid is.)

thumb_of_justice 18

I feel both genders can be bangmaids myself ;)

American_Mary_ 26

Although a bangbutler would really be a thing to see.

JeyJeyFrocks_3325 4

As a gay man, I totally vote for bangbutler.

bad__pussy 136

He had 5 days to feed and take care of your pets and clean up the accident in your room, yet he did not. Instead he denied any wrongdoing and berated you up until today where he apologized.

He had days to care for your pets, what was going through his mind? It really shows you how irresponsible he is. Is an apology really enough knowing that your pets starved and wallowed in their own filth for days? Sure he apologized, but is he truly sorry?

I can see why your friends don't like him.

anubis_cheerleader 88

I literally once jimmied a window open when, after agreeing to pet sit for a friend, we both screwed up and forgot to arrange for getting a key. That is how concerned I was about the cat missing water for one night.

This dude had access to your house and couldn't bother with care for 5 whole days?

(PS, I am not condoning b & e, the whole thing was a bad case of being a young adult.)

rumpels1120 104

Your animals could have died. That is a deal breaker in itself.
That should be your answer.

salamanderpencil 95

I've been married for a long time, and I'll just say this. I chose a life partner who I know will always have my back. That's not to say we don't disagree, or have our ups and downs. We do. But when the chips are down, he has my back.

Years ago, I spent a month in the hospital. When I came back, the house was clean, the pets were cared for. Maybe the pets weren't as spoiled and pampered as they are when I'm home, and maybe the house wasn't as spotlessly clean as it is when I can pay attention to the little details. I didn't care about any of that. I just know that when the chips are down, my husband has my back. Always.

You learned that when the chips are down, even for just a few days, your fiance falls to pieces and can't even do the most basic of tasks. He can't even wipe a counter. Let alone take care of other living beings in the house. He doesn't have the maturity or knowledge to be a partner to you. I'm willing to bet that you do most of the emotional labor in the relationship, too. Especially based on how he tried to pin this on you. Like he was the victim here.

He just isn't good partner material, I'm sorry.

It seems like your friends already know this, and have been waiting for you to get out for quite a while. Take them up on their generous offers, lean on them for support, because it sounds like you're a really good person with good friends, and they want to be there for you. Now more than ever is the time to let them help you. There's going to come a time in the future where you are going to be there for them, too. But right now, it's their turn to be there for you, and you can lean on them for support. They will really help you through this.

Block your ex boyfriend on everything. He's just going to try to guilt trip you and manipulate you. It's clear that without you, he can't even wipe down a countertop. That's too bad. Now he's going to have the opportunity to learn. Don't deprive him of that gift by going back to him. You'll just be enabling him. Stand strong, and don't give him the chance to try to neglect your poor pets again. You deserve better, and so do they.

baltyjane 30

I got really sick last summer and my husband had to do everything. From helping me in and out of bed/helping me get dressed to driving me to doctor's appointments, taking care of our dog, etc. I would take a nap and wake up and he'd have the whole house cleaned (he hates to clean and I'm really picky about how it's done, so normally I clean and he does the floors -- so this was big). I know I can count on him. Hell, a couple weeks ago I was swamped at work and since my mom doesn't drive and he had the day off he took her to an appointment for me. That's somebody I know I can trust and I know he's got my back. I'm doing much better now and he knows how grateful I am that I could count on him.

This guy couldn't even be bothered to clean up blood smears (I mean, really?) and he completely neglected helpless animals. What a piece of crap.

PolkaDotAscot 5

You learned that when the chips are down, even for just a few days, your fiance falls to pieces and can't even do the most basic of tasks.

Like, obviously, this is not ideal. However, ok...some people freak out under stress. Whatever. Again, not ideal, but that is how some people are, and at least now you know.

BUT WAIT that isn’t what happened here. Not only did he not do any of these things, he actually lied to you about it...up until the very last possible second.

JeyJeyFrocks_3325 4

That's what bothers me the most. The lying and the letter. I would be terrified of trying to take care of exotic animals. I just am not equipped with the knowledge to handle them at all, and would probably kill them by handling them, but I would've said that up front.

But the lying. And then the letter after he realized he fucked up. It really worries me for OP and for any guy this "man" tries to be with.

FijiBlueSinn 2

OP and everyone else who is in or will be in a relationship someday, heed the advice of this post. Print it out, give it to your friends, this is some of the soundest relationship advice that you can ever get.

There will always be flaws in people. Absolutely no one is perfect, but of all the character traits that can be ignored, tolerated, or lived with, not having your partners back 100% when things get really shitty in life (and that day will come for everyone) is the absolute deal breaker. If you can't trust your partner to manage a relatively minor task for an insanely short period of mild inconvenience for them, imagine what things will be like when something goes really wrong?

Being in the hospital for any amount of time is a big deal, and I'm not trying to diminish the severity of OP's ordeal. But for a serious injury, or sickness, something that requires long hospital stays, physical therapy, etc. You are going to depend on your partner to make it through. This was a mild test run and he not only failed, but managed to show his true character by lying and throwing around blame. Is this who you want watching your back for the rest of your life?

Banter725 2

You give great marriage material advice. OP this is all on point.

greeneyedwench 66

The poor little critters! Are they all OK? Yes, it's still breakup-worthy.

bfsnakeneglect 64

All the animals have been pampered since I returned. If I have to pull a stitch keeping them cared for, I will.

NotKateBush 32

Can you get somebody to come over and help you with anything strenuous? Your friends seem to care for you and would understand why you’d need a little extra help. You need to heal, and I somehow doubt you’ll get much assistance from the guy who wouldn’t even bother to clean up your blood after an accident a week ago.

So in other words, he is still not helping you. He is all words and no action - in every way possible it seems.

PartySong 41

Your friends care about you and know what's up. You need to get out. He's manipulative and unstable. He needs help, but you can't give it to him. Staying with him is enabling all of his unhealthy behaviors.

If you love your pets, leave. If you love you, leave. If you love him, leave.

jellybeannie 41

I'm willing to bet your fiancé is a narcissist. Google "podcast narcissist HG Tudor" and listen to it... I'm willing to bet you will recognize your fiancé in at least some of what he says. PLEASE do this, as narcissists are very good at sucking people back in, and recognizing those patterns will do a lot to help you break free. Good luck to you and your beloved animals. <3

bfsnakeneglect 32

my friends have been saying this for a while.

badsparrow 25

Mate, if your friends are telling you he's bad and they have an escape plan ready to go, then you need to listen to them. It's easy to not see how bad things are when you're this close to them, so you should listen to your friends. They sound like good people. Trust them.

jellybeannie 17

A friend of mine recently escaped a multiyear abusive relationship with a narcissist. It started out great and slowly, slowly, slowly got worse, like a frog in boiling water. I cannot stress enough, please listen to the podcast. It's not that long and it will make everything make so much sense! (There are actually two podcasts, an initial one and a followup, but the initial one is the most important.) Good luck, seriously!

lainzee 15

Dude, believe your friends if they are saying this.

If I had listened to my friends, I would have saved myself years of being in an abusive relationship.

My one friend offered to let me live with her and she would pay my rent while I got back on my feet. I declined. I believed my ex-fiance when he said things would get better.

Things never got better.

It's 5 years later since I broke up with him (about 7 years since they made the offer), I'm in a much better relationship now after finally getting out. They're still my friends. Ex is cut out of my life. And, tellingly, my friends have no such concerns with my new boyfriend. They just saw reasons for concern and wanted me to get out.

Honestly, not to be over-dramatic, but an acquaintance was murdered by her boyfriend at the time. She was a 25 year old law student. This is what one of her friends had to say about the relationship at the time:

"And anyone that says signs were missing didn't know her or about her relationship. Domestic violence is common and it often does not come in the form of obvious bruise marks and flashing signs of trouble--it can be subtle, persistent, deliberate, and demeaning. Mental and emotional abuse can be just as damaging as anything physical. It does no one any favors to live in denial. We must address this and talk about it so that it doesn't happen to another beautiful girl and her close family and friends."

Her close friends all knew, all tried to help. But until someone decides to get out for themselves there's only so much a friend can do.

The last thing she posted on Facebook was celebrating their 1 year anniversary dinner.

You can love someone. They can even act like they love you most of the time. Maybe they do even love you.

The relationship can still be toxic. They can still hurt you.

Sometimes it's easier for our friends to see it than it is for us. We're blinded by love. They have a bit more objectivity.

I think you're seeing it now. Believe it. Believe what your friends are telling you. Believe what he just showed you.

Don't believe the promises to change. My ex promised to change, over and over, for years. He even would for a little bit, sometimes. Or he had explanations. I heard about "stress" a lot. Once he finished school and was less stressed. Once he had a "real" job and didn't have to stress about money as much. Then everything would be good and he would be able to be the boyfriend I deserved.

I finally had to sit down and think about if things would be okay if he didn't change. Would I be okay having the same fights in a year? 5 years? 25 years? The answer was no, and I finally left.

Think about every time from now on when you might have to leave your pets. Work travel. Visiting family. Another emergency. Every time you'll have to find someone else to watch your pets because you can't trust him. I mean, he said he'd do it this time and didn't. So what would be different the next time he says he'll do it.

It sounds like there are other things bad in this relationship - if your friends think he's likely a narcissist he's probably not treating you well. Are you willing to put up with those bad things for the rest of your life?

Also, don't worry about the possibility that you are spinning things wrong to your friends or that they're only seeing the worst. Because sometimes, a lot of times, even, the worst makes all the good irrelevant. It doesn't matter if someone is good 95% of the time, if the other 5% they're abusive. And if you're anything like me, you probably actually minimize the bad stuff he does, not exaggerate it.

And also, personality disorders like narcissism are incredibly difficult to treat and have very poor outcomes even with therapy. So even if he does go to therapy and stick with it (doubtful, but possible) chances are he still won't be "cured" in a way that makes him able to treat you right.

bleuscreenofdeath 35

Are you a jerk for having had to go to the hospital in the first place? Because that's what it sounds like he was trying to say. How dare you have a medical emergency and expect him to cover things while you are out of commission? Seriously, dude is laaaaazy and since the bullying didn't convince you to just accept that, he's laying on the charm. "I'm sorry baby, I'll never let you down again". Cue roses and shit. You know it's a lie. Don't tell him you're leaving until you've already left. Better yet, let him figure it out.

emersoncoe 34

What kind of person lets their significant other come home from a sudden hospital visit to more chaos that needs fixed?

Someone you need to get out of your life, that’s who. I’m not normally so cut and dry about this, but if he lied about this, to a person who is recovering from a physical trauma, what other dumb shit is he lying about? Free yourself of that weight.

ShelfLifeInc 30

I want to believe that he was honestly just stressed about my visit to the hospital and lashing out

No no no no no no no no no no.

Let's go through the list:

He didn't take care of your pets. At all. For five days.

He lied, and told you everything was fine every time you asked for an update. For FIVE days.

You came home and saw evidence of both his lying and neglect. He lied AGAIN, and then said you are the jerk.

This is already break up and never see him again territory, but let's go on:

He didn't clean the mess that sent you to hospital. He didn't clean spilled coffee or smeared blood. It was there a week!

When you asked him to help you, he had the gall to storm off.

He will lie to try to emotionally manipulate you. That letter was just an attempt to get you to come home. He honestly doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

And the most concerning red flag of all:

Your fiance's attitude and behaviour is so destructive that your friends recognised it a mile away, and had an escape plan ready for you.

Sit down with your friends and ask them why they dislike your fiance, and really listen to what they have to say. They are looking out for you. Your fiance is not. He would have let your animals starve to death, and then would have blamed you for inconveniencing him. He made you clean your own blood off the wall.

Do not ever go back to him.

StraightJacketRacket 25

I want to believe that he was honestly just stressed about my visit to the hospital and lashing out

Please reread what you wrote. One's character comes out when under stress. This is a guy who takes his stress out on you - not only that, he wasn't the one in the hospital, OP. Shouldn't he want to make life less stressful for you, even while he is stressed? And he lashes out just to shut you up during a disagreement. Is this really what you're hoping for?

Most significant others in his position would have asked what needed to be done, and done it, AND cleaned up the mess. Not pretend everything was ok just so you wouldn't make his life difficult by being upset at his neglect. This should've been his chance to shine as a fiance, to show love, to act instead of offering empty words, but he had no interest in rising to the occasion. He has neither the maturity nor the selflessness worthy of marriage.

Expect better.

pizzapizzapizza42 24

OP, I assume that you love your pets because you have so many. Your pets could have died if you had been away for a longer time. You shouldn't trust this guy and this issue is a legitimate deal breaker.

BrokeTheKaraoke 6

Could've died in a really awful way, too.

teresajs 23

Complete dealbreaker. He lied multiple times over and is being manipulative in trying to get out from taking true responsibility for his actions.

Yetikins 20

He insisted everything was going just as I instructed.

said that I was a jerk for calling him out

LMAO. I'm dead. "I lied for a week that I did a single thing you asked me, but YOU are the bad person for not letting me get away with lying and making me face my own choices."

Yeah okay buddy. I also wonder what other negative details about him did not make it into this post, considering your friends have an escape plan for you. That says to me something is wrong with this guy, and they know it, and have been waiting for you to realize it yourself so they can help you out of the situation. Dump him and lean on your friends.

tauntaunparty 6

I do wonder how the blood and coffee accident happened...

unhappymedium 15

If your friends have been trying to get you out of there for a while, it sounds like this is a pattern for him and not a one-off due to being upset about you being in the hospital. He neglected your animals and could had killed them and he left a traumatizing mess for you to clean up and then verbally abused you when confronted. Listen to your gut and take up your friend's offer.

bahhamburger 14

He managed to turn your accident into him being the victim. How could you still be attracted to him?

Kidd237 14

What an arsehole! Tell him where he can shove his lies.

Akavinceblack 14

There’s a reason your friends have been prepared to help you when you leave this jerk. Get out and don’t look back.

especiallyknot 13

So he gave "updates" every day, that means he didn't forget or not think about it. He straight LIED to you while you were in the hospital everyday. That's unforgivable.

structuredom 13

wow, i'd be too livid to stay with someone so callous.

AngrySnowball 12

Does your fiance have any way of seeing your texts with other people? Though Pushbullet or iCloud or just looking through your phone?

bfsnakeneglect 17

I don't know. My laptop was moved when I got home and I know he tried to get into my phone. He says it's because the doctor called and there IS a missed call from the doctor that lines up

anubis_cheerleader 33

Uhhhh...that sounds kinda sketchy

tiffanydisasterxoxo 16

The fact the doctor called is his excuse to go through your phone

CleverLatinMotto 13

Get your electronics checked for spyware. At minimum, he's planning to counteract any attempt you make to leave--and abusers never EVER let their victims go quietly.

When you leave, do it quickly and all at once, with as much of your Team You as you can muster. And once you are gone? Block him everywhere.

AngrySnowball 9

His complete 180 after you texted your friends about this makes me think he saw that message somehow

NarvusSchleibs 6

He knows you are at least thinking about leaving so he has done a 180 to try and coax you into staying. His apology is not sincere

thumb_of_justice 12

My husband hates some of our pets; he's not an animal lover other than dogs, but he knew from our first date that animals were part of the deal (btw have had a lot of rats over the years, such a wonderful and underrated species). I have been hospitalized a couple of times during our relationship, and guess what? He stepped up. He cleaned the litterboxes, rat cages, parrot cages, walked the dog, whatever needed doing depending on what animals we had at the time. Everyone was fed, watered, and exercised. Did he enjoy it? No. Did he complain about it? Oh, yes. But did he carefully get everything done very conscientiously? Hell, yes. Because he is an adult, we're married, and these are innocent creatures who depend upon us.

This is your FIANCE? Before I ever considered asking my husband to marry me, he knew full well me and my pets were a packaged deal. I would never had considered marrying him if he'd neglected the animals I promised to love and protect.

OGKjarBjar 9

One time I fell down the stairs and got a traumatic brain injury. I couldn’t get out of bed for 2 weeks. My ex boyfriend got mad at me for being hurt and trashed my bedroom and didn’t help me take care of anything. When I got home, he yelled at me and told me he would’ve taken care of me and the things I asked him to if “he could’ve taken a vacation from work too.” He wasn’t my boyfriend for much longer.

overwhelminglydumb 9

Get out immediately. There is no way in hell he didn’t notice the blood and coffee mess, he left it there on purpose. He also purposefully neglected your animals and straight up lied to you when you asked if he had taken care of them. If you ever leave them in his care again, he’ll do the exact same thing. Your friends said you could stay with them because they’ve seen him for who he is from the beginning. He is a textbook abuser, blaming you one day and then doing a complete 180 the next. Please go stay with your friends.

cootieseverywhere 9

Last night he berated me for all of this and denied any wrong doing, and this is giving me whiplash.

He found a way to manipulate you.

This morning he apologized and I'm worried I jumped the gun

And apparently it's working.

HatsAndTopcoats 9

There is no fucking excuse for his behavior. Absolutely not. Staying with this piece of garbage is not an option.

Akiyuu 8

I agree with everyone else, you should be leaving his ass.

Just one addition - it was five consecutive days of him failing to muster up the decency to care for your animals. If you're overwhelmed or stressed I could understand missing a day, and even then lying about it is shitty. But five days? Of not even bothering to give your sick fish some meds? Of not even reaching out to a friend and saying "I don't think I can do this, please help?" Dude's a straight-up psychopath if he's cool with animals suffering like this.

sirdigbykittencaesar 8

I wouldn't want to marry someone and possibly have children with someone who was that unwilling to step up and help in an emergency. Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, and your pets shouldn't have to suffer because of it.

porkpork 6

This is absolutely a reason to break up with him. Obviously you are very in love with your animals. You seem to take exceptional care of all of them. You adore them. You took your betta to a veterinarian and got medicine for it. You'd expect the person you love to at the very least care for them when you ask them because you are having an emergency. If he can lie to you and put the things you love at risk so selfishly, I wouldn't want him in my life. Some people think animals are nonsentient beings and don't need love or care, but you and I aren't like that. Your soon to be ex knew what these pets mean to you and he didn't give one iota of care to them.

My partner and I have two dogs. Currently, I spend 4 nights a week in a different home without my dogs as to not mess up their life too much. My partner takes impeccable care of my dogs not just because he knows what they mean to me but because he loves them too. You deserve to have a partner that shares and loves the things you love to an equal level. This person got really lucky that your pets didn't pass. He got really lucky that you aren't meaner. If my partner would put my pets at risk like that, I wouldn't be able to look at them the same. I wouldn't trust them the same. Ultimately, it would kill our relationship.

Your friends know this guy isn't right for you. Your friends clearly love you and would do anything for you. You deserve to have a partner like that too. Heed the advice of your friends. They know whats up because they aren't blinded with "love" glasses. They know there is something not right about this person and they want you to be with someone better. It couldn't hurt to try.

I wish you the healthiest of recoveries. Take your pets and stuff to the friends house and tell that ex that he needs to work on being less of a terrible person because you deserve a stellar partner that loves what you love as much as you do or at the very least respects that you love things and take care of them when you need them to.

kornberg 6

At the end of my pregnancy, I ended up being hospitalized twice. The second time was for an emergency c section because I literally almost died from acute liver failure. Our baby was born at 32 weeks, 2 months premature, at 3lb 11oz and was in the NICU for 2 months.

My husband called a friend to take our dogs to the kennel while I was being prepped for surgery and went home every day for a little while to feed the cats and clean up a little around the house so it'd be ready when I was released. I was very very sick and knowing that he was taking care of what mattered made it possible for me to focus on not dying and taking care of our premature baby (who has been home from NICU for a month and is doing great).

You need a partner who has your back, and this guy clearly does not. He neglected your pets, he lied about it, and he got mad at you for calling him out. You would have a better partner if you were single.

partofbreakfast 6

I think the 'coffee and blood' detail is pretty important here. Even if it wasn't in a part of your living space that he uses, he should have been aware that it happened if it was related to why you went to the ER. Anyone with even a modicum of empathy would realize that the first thing you want to do upon returning home is not 'clean up dried blood and coffee' and would have cleaned it up for you. Like, even a FRIEND would do this for you. So I would expect a fiance to do that at a bare minimum. The fact that he didn't speaks volumes about his character.

Fleurdeleaves 5

As someone with reptiles who considers them my absolute babies, leave and never go back. He could have killed them with his neglect. There is no excuse for what he did and instead of apologizing he started going in on you and making excuses! Not to mention he lied over and over again each time you asked how your pets were doing. His apology sounds fake as hell.

Plus, you can never trust him with your pets again. Ever. That enough should be reason to leave.

sukinsyn 5

What would have happened if you were in there longer? Your pets could have died under his "care," and then once you get back to find one of your babies had died, he would be all, "Well if you hadn't! This was hard on me too!" Like, zero empathy, zero accountability. What a jackass.

Move in with your friends. They sound wonderful.

georgelass 4

The fact that your friends have created an escape plan for you is a huge sign. Everytime my friends have done this for me it's because I was with someone completely toxic. Talk to them about it. I'm sure they've been concerned for a while. They want to help you.

MangoKiwiShowerGel 4

Think of it this way, how would you have reacted if you had come home to injured or dead pets? Your fish had an infection, if you'd been gone for any longer, would your betta have lived? The consequences of his actions are not bad... this time. Next time, they might be a whole lot worse. And you have to ask yourself, what would he have done if your injury resulted in you needing at home care? What if your doctor had told you not to lift anything or be on your feet for too long? I'm guessing, if he couldn't even be bothered to clean the blood and coffee off the floor, he wouldn't have taken care of you either.

You have a solid out. Please take it and get yourself and all of your animals out of harm's way.

Barborka01 4

Words don’t really mean anything. Judge by what he is doing, not saying.

SeattleBattles 4

Sounds less like he cares about what he did and more that he is simply trying to make the issue go away.

Forgetting to do one of those things might be excusable. It sounds like a lot to remember to do and I could see stress making someone forget a bit. Would still be wrong, but I'd accept a heartfelt apology for that.

But he apparently did nothing. He didn't try and fall short, he just ignored it all and figured you'd get over it. The question is do you want to spend your life having to get over serious things like this?

sunny212 4

Ok, sorry if this has been said (there's to much to scroll through) but your friends are RIGHT. They've had a plan in place for how long? For WHEN this happens? Trust your friends right now... take their help. Love them and appreciate them and thank them (profusely) later when you realize how much this guy sucks.

amantelascio 4

I wake up in terrible pain and my dogs and cats still get fed and the dogs go out.

No good reason to not take care of creatures that are unable to care for themselves

Dconte16 4

If your friends are ready with this really well elaborated back up plan... THEN LEAVE!!! THEY know you. They are cold headed people watching you get into the wrong relationship. This was just the beginning. So you just leave before is too late.

kitty_767 3

I'm just curious, have you asked your friends why they were prepared to take you in?

grandpa_grandpa 3

unpopular opinion: while it is fucked up that he implied he was both willing to do and capable of this level of animal care... this is significantly more work than “hey can you feed and walk my dog while i’m away?” i am in no way saying you’re at fault here BUT this is a lot to ask of anyone who has not yet performed this level of animal care. it’s fucked up he lied and that should be discussed. but if you are literally breeding animals, it may be a better choice in the future to seek professional help if something like this goes down - most people aren’t familiar with snake care and would be overwhelmed caring for 12 rodents. he screwed up big, certainly, but even if i were engaged to someone that level of care for 16 animals is a LOT. and it needs to be better communicated that if he is with you, he didn’t just sign up for you - he signed up for all of these animals, too.

littlestray 2

If it was too much he could have used his fucking words and said so in order for alternative care to be arranged for totally dependent lives

bryan7474 1

The part I find a bit strange is OP implied he just got all these pets 3 weeks ago.

If this is the case, my guess is OP's fiancé is resentful of the pets anyway. I know if my wife brought home 16 pets I'd be overwhelmed as fuck. Most likely the real issue here is lack of communication on his part. Based on him using a letter to apologize, I can guess OP's fiancé has trouble speaking up.

So if OP's fiancé has trouble speaking up with something as simple as an apology, imagine trying to bring up the issue with pets? My guess is (although completely horrible as it is) OP's fiancé probably doesn't care about any of the animals at all.

Also keeping reptiles as pets is torture in and of itself, no matter what level of care you think you're giving them, so OP's already guilty of animal abuse anyway.

skost-type 2

The post is totally gone, but I read it as op moved in three weeks ago, not that the pets were new (I mean I know they would've moved in with him too, but I still don't understand why the fiance lied)

Sorry for the multiple edits, realized my initial phrasing was whack

xtwistedxlovex 3

I thought I should give you a heads-up just in case: sometimes people like him will intentionally kill pets as "punishment" so it would be best if you could get them out before he knows you're leaving.

sweetpeppah 3

If he couldn't emotionally handle the mess/being in your room, then he could have asked for help from someone else. He agreed to take care of the animals, dropped the ball, and LIED about it. You needed to rely on him. It wasn't complicated.

(Was he part of the reason that you got hurt?)

basilobs 3

This is appalling. He's a lazy fuck who doesn't care about anyone but himself. I know these are just anecdotes but I'm sharing them anyway. A couple of years ago, the guy I was dating at the time tried to cut his own throat with a shard of glass. There was blood EVERYWHERE. Door frames, walls, carpet, counter, bed sheets, you name it. So after he was carted off to the hospital, I stayed up until 6:30 am cleaning up all of the blood. I wasn't going to let his sister see that, let alone clean it up herself. And last fall when I was living in another state, my roommate's friend was staying with us for a little bit. Roommate's dog killed the friends chinchilla and while the friend was downstairs grieving, I vacuumed all of the hair and shavings because she shouldn't have to relive that trauma.

Leaving that mess first of all is fucking gross. Second, he leaves it for YOU to pick up. You come home to a mess after a week long stay in the hospital just to have to clean up. And the bloody coffee mess that sent you to the hospital no less. What the fuck goes through one's mind to leave that for YOU to pick up?

And he let your POOR ANINALS SUFFER. No care for a week! I wouldn't be able to look at someone like that again. Even if he were really upset, you step up for the ones who love who need it more than you.

Now you know he can't take care of ANYTHING. Including your emotional well-being. Not to mention the fact that he fucking turned on you when you expressed your INCREDIBLY REASONABLE hurt. What a monster.

IAmUnicornia 3

It’s your job to be the voice for those who can’t speak for themselves. Typically I say this to someone who has kids and is in an abusive relationship. But it applies to animals as well.

There are so many red flags in this post that I’m floored. This isn’t a situation you can fix. Please leave. The fact that people you love have a plan immediately in place to get you out means that they have been waiting for this moment.

Please love yourself and your pets enough to go.

Aunt_Jemima4_Me 3

I feel like he's trying to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him. He's taking advantage of your kind and forgiving nature to minimize the damage on his behalf, but in the process making you feel guilty, and after having to go to the ER, too. Sounds like a pathological liar, lazy-ass couch potato kind of dude. If I were him, the least I could do is make sure you don't have to worry about home. The whole point of being a 'couple' or 'being married' is that you're supposed to take care of each other for the rest of your life/relationships, and to also confide in one another as friends, as well as staying honest and loyal.

Long story short, I'd RUN. Seems like an incompetent, untrustworthy manipulative sack of shit. Hope this helps.

Bluejayofhappiness 3

I haven’t seen it mentioned, so here goes...

You’ve skirted the nature and cause of your accident, but spilled coffee and blood smeared on the wall... I really hope you’re not omitting some form of domestic violence from the story. I don’t want to jump to the conclusion that he physically harmed you, but I can’t help but think there’s more going on here than you’ve said. The fact that he left the mess for you to deal with is just so callous that I can’t overlook it. I keep thinking that that’s some majorly abusive shit right there, a psychopathic punishment meant to remind you who is in control and what he can do to you whenever he wants to.

Please, OP, run away and never look back. Even if you did just have a freak accident at home, he’s still a manipulative liar who deliberately neglected your beloved pets. Your friends obviously see him for what he is, and it’s time you trust their judgment.

Good luck.

baltyjane 3

some friends of mine who'd offered to give me a place if I broke up with him in the past.

The fact that they already had a plan in place is a sign they've seen something you haven't. This guy can't be trusted, he's not a partner or a help to you and he completely neglected helpless animals and then blamed you. I'd be done.

Parmesan980 3

You mentioned you and him texted everydayabout the pets... Does this mean that he didn’t visit you in the hospital?

Bender-- 3

You were weirded out by your friend's plans? It sounds like you haven't heard their honest opinion of your fiancé. Ask them for it and ask them to not sugarcoat it! And try not to be defensive because it probably will be hard to hear.

DoctorMEM 2

What exactly happened to cause blood to be smeared on a wall

time_keepsonslipping 2

I'd break up with someone if they did this. It's not like he just forgot, which would still be shitty but potentially forgivable. He sat in a room with your pets every day and bald-faced lied to you about how he was taking care of them. The complete lack of care for other living beings is a dealbreaker, as far as I'm concerned.

That's not even getting into his 180, which reads as him deliberately manipulating you.

onepunchsans 2

I feel like there's more to this relationship than just this story alone. OP, I'm sure this is not the first time your fiancé has done something to set off some red flags?

From this post alone:

Never mind not cleaning up the coffee stain, but your blood? He lives there. Does it not strike some kind of chord inside him to see his lover's blood every day?

OP, what exactly is the incident that led to your being admitted to the hospital? Did your fiancé have anything to do with it?

Neglect for animals is usually a telltale sign that someone is not... mentally sound. To not have any concern for a helpless creature that doesn't know any better... Is he just generally a lazy person? Does he let his parents do everything?

To add to the point above, he lied to you for five consecutive days. If he had forgotten one day but did what he was told to for the remaining four days, then that is fine. But five days in a row - does he not feel the guilt every time? If he could lie about something like this on a daily basis, what else could he lie about? He might have already lied to you about something else prior to this incident.

Your hospital stay stressed him out. Okay. Did he ever visit you in the hospital? Why did you have to call him up every day? What was he doing for five days when you weren't around, other than work?

Your friends are right. Your fiancé is narcissistic. You were the one who was hurt, but he tried to make this whole situation about himself. And speaking of friends...

They have the resources ready to take care of you if you leave. Do you see that, OP? They have a plan put together to ensure your well-being if and when you leave this guy. This isn't something friends do for someone who's in a healthy and well-adjusted relationship. And, we're talking about multiple friends here, are we not? This isn't someone trying to take advantage of you. Your friends serve as an outsider's point of view, and can observe things about the relationship that you are usually too blinded by love to see. OP, trust your friends' judgement.

Your fiancé is just realizing that he could lose you. Don't let his apology sway your judgement, and I bet this isn't the first time he tried this either. And do you really think an apology is enough for that mess/blood, neglect for your pets, lying to you for five days straight, etc?

OP, get out of there asap. As you make plans with your friends, I wouldn't be surprised if your fiancé is making plans of his own to make you stay. In some cases, even their parents are in on it.

You're in their territory. Please be safe, OP. Never let your guard down, and please keep your friends updated if anything were to happen to you, no matter how harmless it may seem.

Stay safe, and good luck.

liatrisinbloom 2

If you'd been gone for two weeks you would have come home to dead pets and the same shitty attitude he gave you.

People have already told you it's telling that your friends had a plan to get you out.

Now you have two major flags that are "telling". And the flags are bright red.

korpiklaani8 2

I think you’re right he got nervous and stressed with your hospitalization - his heartfelt text proves this. However, I don’t think he can be trusted with your pets or anything emotionally important until he proves he can care foremost (and rationally) about you. His remorse leads me to advising that I would see if things improve before making a decision.

queenoreo 2

Your partner is supposed to have your back. That’s the whole thing about marriage, when you can’t, you’ve got someone right there who can. He chose not to. Leaving your blood for you to clean up once you got home from 5 days in the hospital? Come on! The lying? Nope. That’s not even touching on the neglect of the animals.

He’s not there for you when you need him. Trust your friends and bail.

salgat 2

Shows that he can't be relied on in an emergency for something that is obviously a critical part of your life and also showed that he will abuse animals. I'm angry just reading this.

meganpv 2

When you start to feel sorry for him, think of your helpless baby snake all sad and dried out. I'm glad that your friends are giving you so much support and I hope everything turns out okay for you

WeirdGrowth 2

If you decide to give him a 2nd chance, put the wedding on looooong hold.

Personally, however, I believe you can tell a lot about someone from how they treat animals and service people. I wouldn't be able to forgive that.

Deviknyte 2

A big sign for the character of a person is good they treat animals. This person had no empathy. What happens when he needs to watch your baby?

SirenBeneathTheSea 2

You mean EX Fiance right? Because shit for brains here NEGLECTED your pets. They could have died. And then had the nerve to berate you for it. You would be the world's biggest fool not to kick his ass all the way to Saturn.

FosterTheJodie 2

It was stressful coming home and having to clean up my entire bedroom of the mess that sent me to the hospital in the first place, but when I tried to ask him to do it he stormed off.

What the fuck? He wouldn't even help you clean up? If I had utterly obliterated someone's trust in me, I would be overjoyed at a chance to set things right. Instead he threw a fit and made you, still recovering from injuries, clean it up alone. How can you possibly forgive him after this? Apologizing is NOT the same thing as fixing the mistake. He has done literally nothing to make this up to you.

CleverLatinMotto 2

The support was overwhelming, and honestly, it weirded me out that they had a whole plan ready already for getting me out.

I've read the update and I hope you stay gone.

Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? I'll bet the family farm that your ex is abusive, that he is in fact an abuser, and that your family and friends saw this clearly.

Read the book. And if it rings bells, consider therapy. Abuse is stealthy. Abuse rewires your psyche so that up is down and black is white and abuse is love. If you don't get that malware out of your system, you're just going to walk into another abusive relationship.

If nothing else, the book will help you recognize all the red flags of extreme suckitude much more quickly. I'm sorry that this happened to you and I am so happy that you are out of it.

P.S. You probably think that abuse means "hits me," but physical abuse is almost the least of it. Google the following terms and see if any of these are familiar: cycle of abuse; trauma bonding; Issendai sick systems; lovebombing; gaslighting. Maybe take the quiz at loveisrespect dot org.

brightlove 2

Everyone is giving you great advice about your relationship, but I want to advocate for your cats.

If cats don't eat for over 24 hours they can get fatty liver syndrome very quickly. So if you're home and offering them food now and they're barely eating or not eating at all, they need to go to the vet immediately.

I hope everything works out for you. You sound like a caring person and you'll be much better off without this guy.

anonthrowawayartist 2

Dude leave. If your friends have plans to get you out, it’s obvious they can see things for what they really are.

UserNo800 2

There’s a reason you friends had a plan. Get out now. You deserve a partner and he is not going to be good to you.

Lfalias 2

The whole doing a 180 is actually pretty damning. It's so typical of assholes to turn it around- they do something wrong. Beg for forgiveness and then do it again.

Don't trust it. There are many things in life you should walk away from and be better off for it. As you get older you'll recognise sooner the things you should walk away from. This is one such thing.

Floofykittycats 2

I think you need to ask yourself if you're ever going to be able to trust him again after this incident. The blatant deception makes it likely that he's comfortable with lying and will likely do it again without hesitation.

neverforthefall 2

Your friends having a plan indicates that this isn't the first time he's been a narcissistic asshole. Take that as a definitive sign you should leave him.

He let animals suffer. Helpless animals. There isn't a come back from that.

ooc_jk 2

You can judge a persons true character by how they treat animals....

With that thought... not taking care of the animals is hard limit! Sorry to say.... leave him.

You deserve better.

khaleesi2018 2

Unacceptable behavior. People who don't care about animals frighten me. They're usually sociopaths. And the fact that he left the remnants from your accident including blood for you to clean up is scary. End the relationship ASAP.

chronicallyilunicorn 2

Going to keep this short and sweet; if none of your friends like him that's a huge red flag. Something I wish I learned from a past relationship the hard way.
He also neglected animals that can't take care of themselves and you had to badger him to own up to it. When I was in the hospital for a week and my little brother (who was around 11 at the time) didn't feed my fish and over fed it to make up for it the day I got back, he owned up mighty quick because it was obvious what had happened.
The fact your friends also seem to have plans for you in case y'all break up is caring...but also not good. Chances are they're seeing something that you don't

dexterdarko2009 2

Think of it this way OP, in place of pets put yourself. Would he help care for you if you couldn't care for yourself. Would he help change bedding and shower you help with eating and bathroom stuff if the answer to any of those is a no then leave simple as that. If he isn't willing to look after pet's then would he be willing to look after you.

Fridayesmeralda 2

If he didn't have a change of heart at any point over the whole week you were in hospital, but miraculously apologises as soon as he discovers there are consequences for what he did, he's not sorry for what he did at all. He's only sorry you found out.

aquamanjosh 2

Get out. Also, more importantly, are your pets OK?

parannoyedandroid 2

This is really awful.

It sounds like every member of your social circle knew you were in an abusive relationship; except you.

Lean on your friends. They sound like really solid people. Your ex is garbage; delete/ block/ move out your pets and move on with your life. You've got this!

remybaby 2

If he was too distracted to take care of the pets, he could have hired a pet sitter. There are no excuses for letting them suffer, and it's awful that he tried to pretend like he was caring for them instead of getting help doing it.

cavyqueen 2

i'm sure there are valid reasons why you care about this guy, otherwise this complete BS on his part wouldn't be so hurtful! pot calling kettle black here (sometimes I am too dependent- not saying you are)- but if you want to leave, i hope you listen to that and take care of yourself. animal babies can be complicated... if he didn't think he could keep up with that, he could have gotten help. this is like sweeping crumbs under the mat but the crumbs are sentient and don't deserve suffering.

take care. maybe it'll work out, but you are deffffinitely right to get upset by this. I would be livid and horrified.

cavyqueen 5

also i am now going to go home from the bar on the corner to cuddle my guinea pig. #walkthewalk

reegggaaaannnnn 2

Could have killed one or more of your animals. Unacceptable. Leave immediately

LotusLizz 2

My ex husband apologized a lot and made SO many promises to me. He didn't change until I left, and even so he still doesn't do the things adults should just do on their own. I wasted 2 years waiting, working, begging, and pleading for those changes to happen.

Honestly, this is pretty severe. If your friends are usually accepting of their friends partners and supportive, their disapproval of him is a HUGE red flag. I have some friends whose partners I don't particularly like, but they treat those friends well, they're compatible, and happy together. We just don't click for whatever reason. I would never voice negative opinions about their partners or encourage them to leave unless I thought the relationship was unhealthy for them. It sounds like they recognize how unhealthy it is.

At the end of the day, he didn't just forget to clean the mess and let some plants go unwatered. The animals in your care are living beings who can suffer, feel pain, and it is unethical to let them live in the conditions that he allowed. I could never respect anyone who allowed that sort of treatment to my pets. I also have several (3 dogs, 2 cats) and it takes a LOT to keep my house clean and the pets cared for. When I will not be home for several days, I usually get multiple pet sitters to make sure they have enough attention and are cleaned up after without overwhelming one person. If someone I trusted with them let this happen, and also fucking lied about it, rather than being honest about it being too much and allowing me to find other arrangements, I would lose all respect for them and not trust them enough to keep them around.

CraftyCharisma 2

Letting animals suffer, which should be as important to him as you being engaged, is just wrong... and a major red flag. Get out, he doesn't deserve another chance regardless of the apology.

ChocolateSnowflake 2

100% break up and I would never speak to him again.

Anyone who wilfully neglects animals is the lowest of the low
Never even mind the fact he lied to you about taking care of them and tried to gaslight you when you called him out.

lovele55 2

Sounds like your friends have figured out what you have yet to. Get out.

HoldEmToTheirWord 2

No you didn't jump the gun.

Whirleee 2

Someone I follow on social media actually had several of their lizards die because the arranged petsitter neglected them. I was so scared that this would turn out similar, and thank gods it didn't.

LarryLeisureSuit 2

The fact that your friends were so quick to offer up help for your exit plan speaks volumes. Clearly they knew something that you didn't, up until now. Be very thankful that your pets are OK.

And leave him. There's no amount of amazing he could be in other personality aspects that ever makes up for what he's done here. Ever.

Mizagaky 1

Cool... now you don't need to.marry the wrong person

hmb27 1

As a fellow leopard gecko/snake/betta/cat owner, that is completely unacceptable and would be a dealbreaker for me.

ufoschaseme 1

Deal breaker for me. I have a dog and she is my world. This guy thinks your his meal ticket. You do the work while he sits pretty. Nah.

nct_127 1

What if he loves you but he just doesnt have the gut to take care of the reptiles? :|

But then again we’d do anything for the one we love. Leave while you still can and live a happy life

Bezerka413 1

What if you have a baby and the same thing happens. Can you trust him to care for a baby if he won't even TRY to care for your animals?

thatscrazyy 1

Run, run, run, run.

Life is going to be complicated married, this won't be the first time you'll count on him while incapacitated or unable to micromanage his performance.

Also, they're living creatures! The sadism alone of not caretaking for caged animals. How wretched.

bakerstreetstorytime 1

I know it's easy to say "break up" from afar and on this sub, I often don't agree with the many voices calling to break up. Many things can be fixed and nobody is perfect.

But this? Neglecting animals is the reddest red flag.

Your friends having basically a rescue plan for you also says everything.

Get out of there immediately.

NonfunctionalSoy 1

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS PERSON.

I REPEAT, DO NOT.

If he can't do simple tasks like changing an animals water, he will probably kill an infant.

GET THE FUCK OUT

akelew 1

He only wrote that letter because he is scared of repercussions.

Anyone who would do that in the first place is scum, such a lack of empathy. This is one of those moments where you learn what your in for if you spend more time with said person. And i think you should run. The fact he lied, made out that you were the bad guy/him the victim. Its all textbook

smoochface 0

He's still a kid, don't marry a kid.

scienceislice 0

Multiple friends offered you a place to crash in the event of a breakup...and did not hesitate to let you stay when you asked. This plus the disregard for your pets (I get it if he doesn't like pets but then he shouldn't be dating/living with you) should tell you everything you need to know. You're 23, move on and enjoy your life free of a jerk.

bryan7474 0

Sounds like you have a lot of pets. Am I misreading this or did you just suddenly take these all in 3 weeks ago?

Individualchaotin 0

Imagine having kids with a guy like this. It's a mental catastrophe. Time to say good.

daviannamorgan -1

It was stressful coming home and having to clean up my entire bedroom of the mess that sent me to the hospital in the first place, but when I tried to ask him to do it he stormed off.

What does this mean? What put you there?

daba2324 -16

I would stay with him, he's apologetic and seems to really care for you

Eofsogs 7

did you...read the post...?

skost-type 3

Why'd he lie about it for a whole week, then?

MyCatDorito 2

He still fed the animals at least some, didn't he? If not then that is a little pathetic.

RepulsiveAlgaeSoup

Break up with him - he's shown himself to be completely selfish, unreliable and untrustworthy. I've suffered severe bouts of depression in the past and was still able to look after my pets.

If a suicidal lady could do it, so could he. Don't marry a man that neglects living things.