Saturday, September 8, 2012

Sticking Together as Community, as Family

I spent the day yesterday traveling to attend the funeral of
the father of a long-time friend. A trip like this usually becomes a time for
thoughts to percolate—and some of those thoughts bubble and splash in a wildly
disconnected fashion. The day generated some pretty unexpected recollections.

Something in all that my friend’s family spoke of during the
funeral seemed to come back to one observation: how closely connected these
people were to each other. All grown—by the time this father celebrated his
last holiday gathering with the extended family, it included ten
great-grandchildren—these now-adult children still saw their best times as the
times when they could gather together.

Recalling that observation on the drive home, my mind jumped
to a time from a long-past work experience of my own. At that time—years ago,
now—I had some work requirements that, put succinctly in the title of one
of the volumes on my bookshelves, involved Influence Without Authority. I had been tasked with an assignment for which I was
delegated no authority to beg, borrow, or steal—er, appropriate—the resources
I needed. If I weren’t able to cajole my way into success by mobilizing scores
of community resources and newly-minted facility volunteers, the project would
never get done.

Somehow, the power of networking saved the day—all the way
from the TV-news-anchorman husband of a friend who provided local advance
reporting of the event-in-the-making to the school-district-champion who called
for some favors owing from his friends and mobilized legions of students to
complete the multi-generational media-ready heartwarming story.

When that story was unfolding, I called it the power of
Community Cohesiveness. Little did I know that “cohesiveness” was a term
favored by some sociologists and showcased in their academic studies. All I
knew was that it worked.

The key was tapping into a group that knew how to stick
together. People who are comfortable with sticking together know about the teamwork
that’s necessary to take on big projects. Cohesiveness can be a valuable
commodity.

Ever since my apprenticeship-era experience, I’ve thought
lots about Community Cohesiveness. I’ve learned to eyeball projects and
envision which groups would be vested in the “Get ’er Done” willpower that a
specific task would require.

But I’ve never thought about cohesiveness in terms of
families. Even though we so often talk about “bonding” when we look at
families, I somehow missed that clue. Even though we use the term “nuclear
family” to symbolize certain aspects of the modern family, I somehow missed the
enormous power inherent in the connection itself between the nucleus and
particles making up a real atom.

And yet, some families—if we really step back and observe
them—have an unmistakable stickability. I think of that often, for instance,
when I observe the invisible glue that has held together the family of Agnes Tully Stevens’ son that I’ve written about so much, my husband’s Uncle Ed. Call
it love, call it kitchen table magnetism—call it what you will—there was
something that drew those family members together, and kept them together. For better. For worse. Forever.

So now, I guess I have a new way to term that phenomenon.
Like the Community Cohesiveness I saw in operation so many years ago, I’m
seeing a quality I can now call Family Cohesiveness. Just like I could watch that
Community Cohesiveness unfold in various projects I coordinated at work, I can
now observe it as I sift through the history of family stories collected in the
process of pursuing this genealogy research.

While I can find wisps and nuances of family traits in some
branches of all these family lines, there are some lines that feature this
Family Cohesiveness as a hallmark of their existence. It is that strong
tradition that helps me pick up the trail of family history and follow its
track back through time. I certainly benefit from those who knew how to
strengthen that Family Cohesiveness—especially those who were able to foster
that gift in the face of daunting circumstances. It reminds me, also, to learn
from these lessons in my family history, and resolve to apply the best of them
to my own circumstances.

While a drive to a funeral is never something to face with
anticipation, a pensive drive home afterwards can yield some profitable
reflection. While I certainly can’t be glad for the trial this family faced
this week in the loss of a loved one, it provided me a valuable reminder to
emulate that Family Cohesiveness I saw modeled today, even in the face of hard
times like that.

Iggy, thank you so much for those wishes...I'm sure my friend's family will heal over that loss as best anyone can, given the circumstances. Families that tend to stick closely together often provide each other just what is needed to get through these inevitable crises.

Thanks for the comments you left. I have the two blogs Letters from Lee and From Grandpa's Filing Cabinet. (I have one at familyhistorybyeowyn.blogspot.com as well.) Isn't it amazing what we find when we start going through things?? I love it so much. Your blog looks great by the way, I look forward to looking through it more thoroughly

Thanks for stopping by, Eowyn! As you can tell, I'm especially partial to saving these family letters by transcribing and posting them online. That's why I so wanted to leave a comment on your blog for Letters From Lee. We are definitely on the same wavelength and I'd love to continue the dialog on this mutual interest.

Jacqi I love this post. I've thought often about the differences in families and how some seem to possess this to a greater degree than others and have often wondered why. I can certainly see in some of my families that I research a different strength and determination to "stick together" and then I have other families that appear to have gone to great lengths to strike out on their own and isolate themselves from other family members. It really makes me wonder what happened or didn't happen to create those differences.

Thank you so much! This is a thought that keeps me wondering, like you, about what it is that makes the difference. I don't know if a formula could be found, but you are right: some people exhibit that strength, and others seem to have missed it entirely. As far as that strength goes, I certainly would want to be one of those who could pass it down to the next generation. What a valuable quality!

Some families "get it" and some just flounder in dysfunction. It is good to hear about the ones that "get it". Funerals are always a time of reflection for me also. A family that is really close will feel a deep loss..my sympathy:(

About Me

It is my contention that, after a lifetime, one of the greatest needs people have is to be remembered. They want to know: have I made a difference?
I write because I can't keep for myself the gifts others have entrusted to me. Through what I've already been given--though not forgetting those to whom I must pass this along--from family I receive my heritage; through family I leave a legacy. With family I weave a tapestry. These are my strands.