At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted? I think seven, because that's about the time he starts to think, "I don't look like Kiwanis club."

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

Now, I'm not an impressionist, but I do have this character voice I've been working on I call "The Guy Who's *WAY* Too Into the 'Garfield' Movie". (clears throat, begins to speak effeminately) Oh, my GOD! Have you seen the GARFIELD movie? It's HI-LARIOUS! He wears SUNGLASSES! And then there's this part where he eats all this LASAGNA! Of course, Odie's up to HIS old tricks! (normal voice) Like I said, just something I'm working on.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

I was at an Arby's today and I thought to myself, "Oh shit, I should be taking someone's order!"

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!"

Reality shows are big now, Survivor , Temptation Island, The Mole. I want to make a show with three racist white people that live in the South Bronx. It will be called ...Cracker Hunt.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

This country is fucking dumb, why are people takin' this… people with this Bush administration all this shit going on, there should be a revolution happening… I would lead it but I just bought a hammock.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

There was a 15 year old boy who had an affair with his teacher, he died 3 months later...from too many high fives.

Whenever my Asian roommate walks in the door, I play this. [plays a very stereotypical chinese tune] And she says "Zach, why do you do that every time I come in the room?" and I say "Because I don't have a gong."

I'm taking an acting class online; it's easy.

My name is Zach Galifianakis, and growing up my Dad had a saying for our last name: "it begins with a 'Gal' and ends in a Kiss". I'd be like that's great dad but can we get it changed to "GalifianaFUCK please?".

One time, I stuck an altoid in my butthole. [pause] That's it.

How come girls can say, 'I'm going to go to brunch with my girlfriend', and no one assumes anything, but when I say, 'My boyfriend and I are going shopping for fanny packs', everyone thinks I'm a gay? - that's right, A gay.

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying "you go girl" to myself.

You know what I like to do when I'm making out with a woman? I like to whisper in her ear, "Would you like to touch my vagina?"... and she's like "WHAT!?!" and I'm like...[whispering] "That's what you're supposed to say."

For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.

Three years ago my sister was diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome...and there's nothing funny about that. but the other day she phoned me, and my caller I.D. exploded.

I wonder if deaf people have a sign for "talk to the hand."

I really want to leave New York City, but I just put 6,000 dollars on my Metrocard.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name. And you've never been to that bar before.

I'm greek and I have sinus problems and I know why. My body produces feta cheese. It's not really a joke. It's just a fact...allow me to open up.

Have you ever been so drunk you wet the bed? Not even sleeping, just standing over, pissing on it?

I want to start an all-boy Country trio, and call it The Chixie Dicks.

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night. So I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, "Who's the boss now?"

Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realized you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone...and then said "I'll take it!"

I like to go to really bad movies in their fourth week, when there's no one but me and one other person in the theatre, and I like to sit right next to them. And they're like "excuse me," and I'm like "Shhh...I can't hear Keanu."

Sometimes, I like to glue my spare change to my face. Then, when a homeless person comes up to me and asks "Do you have any spare change?" I get to say "Sorry, it's glued to my face."

Sometimes, I like to read the bible in public and yell out, "Oh Bullshit!"

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's ok to say, 'I have diarrhea,' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points.

(After being asked if he was classically trained) I'm classically trained... just not in piano.

This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying "Seacrest, out!" after I ejaculate.

I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

When you look like me it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese. Especially if you have a sketch pad.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I'm working on a screenplay. It's called "Schindler's List 2: Let's Get this Party Started".

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Katie Holmes called my beard for advice.

I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".

I wanna open up a cross-dresser store, and call it "Susan B. Anthony".

With a name like Smuckers, it has to be God.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I tried to tell my brother that joke but he kept getting distracted by a squirrel.

The president's dog's name is Mizz Beasley. I can't believe the president's dog and my penis have the same name.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes...with salad tongs.

I tried to put some ecstasy in some Diet Snapple.

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

Am I the only one tired of this Ben Franklin motherfucker? Electricity? What the fuck is he talking about?

I like to go into really hip record stores and ask for CDs of bands that have never existed. "Uh, ya, do you have the new Boogerstash?"

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing."

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter.