August 27, 2008

I don't like weddings. I never have and I likely never will. I'm not even keen on attending my own, and I'm the one planning it. They're usually frilly and frou-frou and steeped in outdated symbolism.

That being said, even though I've been coerced into having a relatively traditional ceremony and reception to launch my marriage, I've been able to detect in myself a smidgen of enthusiasm about the setting. If the weather is kind to us we will be wed in a forest in autumn. I love autumn. I envision being surrounded by trees that are cloaked in russet and gold and crimson, the bottom of my dress rustling through a scattering of brilliant fallen leaves as I walk up the path toward my soon-to-be betrothed.

I do not want to envision myself slipping on slimy, decomposing foliage against a backdrop of naked, spindly trees. Yesterday, however, I saw some leaves turning red, and the meteorologist on the local news remarked that the colours are already changing just north of the city. Crap. I'm getting married just north of the city, but not for another two months. By then the trees could be bare, the skies could be drab, the air could be damp and cold. There is a literary term for the weather reflecting the mood, but the only terms I can come up with at the moment are "pathetic fallacy" (close) and "manifest destiny" (not even in the ballpark, and not even a literary term). If it is too chilly or there is -- egads! -- rain, we will have to hold the ceremony in a cramped and lacklustre covered patio with uneven interlocking stone floors. The literary term for that is "sucks the big one."

I have been accused of being awfully pessimistic by some people (namely Scott, who ironically is the winner of the Crankiest, Most Negative Person Contest, an imaginary contest that I just made up). I wouldn't call myself pessimistic, but realistic. Have you ever known fall colours to last for two months? They barely last two weeks. And we all know what happens next. The leaves turn a dull brown and fall off the trees, the air becomes bone-chillingly damp, the skies open up into five solid months of rain and snow, and everyone north of the Tropic of Cancer sinks into a deep and unrelenting depression. Pessimistic my foot.

August 12, 2008

Zombie Mom recently asked if Cayman has been keeping us up at night with his kittenish antics. In fact, Cayman has been the least of our worries. He has been a very good boy, aside from the fact that he bullies all of the other pets, including the dogs. One hundred and seventy combined pounds of canine are no match for three pounds of ferocious feline. Rawr!

Mine. All mine.

What does keep us up at night is our new ceiling fan and light. Like our old fixture, our new one is operated by remote control. Inside that remote control are DIP switches which control the frequency between the remote and the fan. The instructions recommend changing the DIP switches from the manufacturer's settings to avoid being on the same frequency as other remotes nearby. We have been on two different frequencies so far. Evidently, we have neighbours using those same frequencies, and they use them at all hours.

We could be enjoying a perfectly good slumber when tadaaa! the overhead light would come on, or the fan would suddenly begin spinning at high speed. At first I would get up, hit the switch and go right back to bed. The more it happened, however, the more annoyed I became. It reached the point where I would wake up, stumble over to the wall and flip the switch several times. I would do this even if I was only awake because I had to pee. I don't know if I was turning a nearby light or TV on and off or if I was opening and closing a garage door, but it gave me great satisfaction to imagine my neighbours scratching their heads in bewilderment. Wake me up at night, will ya? Take that!

Fellow Bloggers

Inspiration

One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one.

-Agatha Christie

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

- Margaret Mead

What is the good of having a nice house without a decent planet to put it on?

- Henry David Thoreau

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.

- Edmund Burke

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

- Douglas Adams

...as long as we are all here, it's pretty clear that the struggle is to share the planet, rather than divide it.

- Alice Walker

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

- Leo Buscaglia

The best things in life aren't things.

- Art Buchwald

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

- Albert Einstein

Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.

- Maya Angelou

The past is prophetic in that it asserts loudly that wars are poor chisels for carving out peaceful tomorrows.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

Peace can only last where human rights are respected, where the people are fed, and where individuals and nations are free.

-Dalai Lama

The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems.

- Mohandas Gandhi

Giggles

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W.C. Fields

I hate writing. I love having written.

- Dorothy Parker

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

- George Carlin

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

- Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

- Steven Wright

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.

- Woody Allen

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

- Groucho Marx

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

- Jane Wagner

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

- Erma Bombeck

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Emo Philips

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

- Darrin Weinberg

Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours.