Monday, December 19, 2005

While ailing with a monster head cold from bed this weekend watching the various news and news-magazine based programs, two things were brought to my attention that mad eme more than afraid not only for you and I but our personal liberties that the Bill Of Rights are supposed to be protecting and that, second by second this administration seems to be ripping down.....what exactly are we fighting for in Iraq exactly if we can't even stand behind our own constitution at this point:

1) Mr. Bush came out in his weekly radio address and admitted that the NSA have been essentially eavesdropping on Americans without warrants. Bush has allowed the NSA to wiretap certain phonelines without warrants from the courts. This reeks with and incredible amount of arrogance that realy should amke any American angry. All that's needed it seems is any sort of vendetta that the NSA might have against any individual (whether they be potential terrorists or not) and they have been allowed over the last four years by our President, someone who is in charge of upholding our cilvi rights and our constitution, to wire tap and base surveillence on people unchecked by our justice systme, an essential check and balance that apparently Mr. Bush (I call him Mr., because I don't consider him my president by any stretch of the imagination) figures he needs take not part in.

2) The United States and more specifically the CIA is involved in this process called Rendition. What happens is the CIA essentially kidnaps people they think may have information in connection to terrorist cells and terrorist activities, (and while Secretary Of State Condolezza Rice denies the following I don't buy her defense, following what we all saw happening at Abu Ghraib) brings them to countries where torture is legal, and interrogates these abductees until they tells us what they want, often using these tirture techniques in their interrogations. The story of a German man who was abducted and tirtured last night showed up on 60 Minutes and it is horrifying to say the least. A man is on vacation, is kidnapped tortured and let go only once the CIA realizes they have the wrong man. And after what does he get? Just an apology that there was a mistaken identity and that they had the wrong man. Never mind the fact that torture is wrong and outlawed by the Geneva Convention, but can we talk about first making sure we actually have the RIGHT PERSON to interrogate. The unbelieveable ignorance of human rights in this case is egregious at best and I know compeltely undertsnad why so many countries have it out for us. If we are picking up people willy nilly,then bringing them to countires to be tortured simply because it is the law of the land (and thius bypassing any possible laws we might have AGAINST torturing anyone)....the convience of these tactics not only worries me it sickens me beyond belief.

Last night, in his address to the nation, Mr. Bush finally acknowledged something that I never though I'd see admitted in my lifetime.He acknolwedged finally that mistakes had been made in this whole Iraq debacle. And while we still have sons and duaghters over there fighting for who knows what now...we still have no plan from Mr. Bush to get these soldiers home safe and home where they belong, nor do we have any semblance of long range plans to keep Iraq a stable demorcratic government. So in the end thousands of Amercanliuves have been lost on their shores and on ours, for nothing but Mr. Bush finally admitting he screwed up. And while he still keeps this pipe dream alive that this is nothing but another long line in monumental fuck-ups by his administration , I can't help but sit back and laugh. Because his apporval ratings went up this morning. Went up! Because he admitted he screwed up. Which many of us already knew. Many of us were already aware of the very words that Mr. Bush exclaimed on the TV last night.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

What can you, rather, do you contemplate when your alone? Are you comtemplating the simple act of being alone? Is it healthy to contemplate the act of being alone? Is it healthy to be alone? What does the word alone realy mean? Are we all truly just alone? Are we all seeking to not be alone? Are we content as we are? Are we happy who we are? Are we happy? Are we pretending? Is being alone just a state of mind? Are we all ever alone? Is "alone" even relevant? Repeat yourself two times if you understand.

I've got no use for simple connections, as i've got no use for simple attractions or addictions. Your always thinking to the point of obsession but never really crossing that line. Obseession is an ugly statement but a beautiful word. I'll always understand what it is but never what it means. Stop and think. You're obsessing again.

She said "I'm not sure where I end and you begin," she said. I'll never know what this meant. I thought about it, thought about it's relationship to being alone. I obsessed over it. And I never got it quite right. Never came to the crux of the matter. Abstract is how I work but abstract thinking doesn't work. I can't be the only person who thinks this right? And what if I am? What if I am.

Repeat as needed...

It's a calm soothing feeling like the womb. But it's not the womb. It's artificial. It's fake. It's automated. Something you do that's automated. You don't think about it. If you have to think about it, you amy be in a great deal of trouble. We aren't robots, we're humans. Systems work systematically. Our systems work like robots. We don't think, we do.

You understand when nobody else did. You understand when nobody else does. Past tense preceded but present tense. If you understand, you are cognisant. If you are cognisant, you are thinking. If your are thinking you are obsessing. If you're obsessing, you're the latter. It's a vicious cycle that goes around and around. Your are the first. Is it possible to be the first and the last. It's a circle and a cycle that I don't understand. I just want to so desperately understand.Where do we go from here? What were we hoping for? Understanding? A kind word. A shared glance. A smile. Something otherworldly. Something on this world. Something? Someone?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

T minus 2 weeks until I go on vacation. This is my first real vacation in two years. It's three years too late. My dad's suppsoedly hooking me up with hot tall blonde girls in Los Angeles, who are going to show me the night life. I'd rather go see Death by Stereo at Chain Reaction. But I do get to drive his BMW convertable around town. And they are tall blonde girls.

I'd comment and say I'm shallow but I don't believe in shallowness anymore. (I mean if you know me well...do i REALLY care about driving a stupid car?) There's an initial spark that initiates any interaction between two people. More often than not, whether we want to admit it or not, this is a result of a mutual physical attraction between two people based on first impression and physical appearance. No one can deny this. It's what you do after that inital reaction, and your reaction to those people once you dig a little deeper that determines whether your shallow or not.

Anybody who says looks don't matter are full of complete shit. Of course they do. I just don't believe that ultimately, they are the only thing that matters. It's that period of time after you meet that determines the length of a relatiosnhip, which really is more telling then whatever frantic affair you might involve yourself in in the beginning of a realtionship.

People's tastes and perceptions are all different. this is how you end up with all different kinds of relationshipos between people. Christ, your own tastes and wants and needs change as you grow as aperson too. I used to think Paris Hilton was the greatest thing since sliced bread three years ago. Now I think she is a skanky airhead who's vagina I wouldn't touch with Johnny's penis. And that's purely ona surface level. I don't know Paris Hilton at all. I haven't grown to dislike her through a personal relationship with her (although there are others that have had a analagous effect on me, but I won't go into that now). But i don know that five minutes alone with her and I'd want to fucking blow my brains out. I don't care how blonde she is and how attracted I am initally to them, it's so not all about attraction. (Not to say color of hair solely detemines my attraction to a girl. It just happens that many of the girls I've been attracted to in life have been blonde.....anyways...)

My only point in this i supposed was to say that looks, hair color, eyes, body shape...it's not everything. It's just the first thing. If your basing an entire relationship on that first thing....then it may be time to adjust your own definition of shallow.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Music isn't about what shirt you wear or how ripped your pants are. Music isn't about the pins and patches you wear on your designer messenger bag. Music isn't about proving how much cooler the bands you like are to other people. Music isn't about a certain body type. Music isn't about being fat or thin. Music isn't about how many friends you have or the large crowd you hang out with. Music isn't about censorship. Music isn't about headlines and the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Music isn't about being signed to a major label and getting a million dollar advance. Music isn't about different hair colors and different shades of eyeliner. Music isn't about social status or standing. Music isn't about being intimidated by what other people think. Music isn't about press shots and planned photo shoots and lead articles in Alternative Press.Music is about being yourself. Music is about the visceral feeling you have that can't be summed up by anything but the butterflies in your stomach. Music is about finding a way to connect people with thousands of different backgrounds with one note or word. Music is about combining the mental, aural and visual. Music is about being eclectic and open-minded. Music is about growing and being experimental and different with the next note that comes out. Music is about the first amendment. Music is about screaming along with your favorite band from the first row. Music is about not giving a fuck what other people think. Music is about being both inluenced and influential. Music is about standing for something you believe in. Music is about saying something, anything meaningful. Music is about connections. Music is everything.If you agree with the above, this is the begining of a long and beautiful friendship. If you don't, fuck off.Currently listening :

Sunday, November 20, 2005

"the invisible piss of the holy ghostcomes down like acid rainthey're making a profit off terminal guiltthe scavengers go on parade..."

I was just yelling this on the way home. Suffice to say, Al Jourgensen sums up all my feelings on religion in one song, and he's brilliant for it. Take away the shock value for a second and read the satire in this song. It's fucking brilliant.

(Digressing for just a moment as I type and watch SNL out the side of my eye....Korn is the most pathetic thing I have seen at this point in music. They had reached their creative and useful peak way too long ago and it's time to realize it's over. Done. Put a for..k in it. ANd it's not even that thier bad...their just painfully medicore. That's so much worse then being just plain bad. Because medicore will never inspire anything. AT least bad bands inspire others to be good. Korn doesn't even do that. Go live in your mansions and wait for your VH1 retrospective where are they now reunited we'll give you a million dollars to play one show...in 20 years Addenedum: now proven even more because they're covering a song from five years ago as their second song and sounds soooooooo dated....)

Anyways, listening to this song and thinking about the era that this was written in makes me think how much worse things are in this Gulf war to the last Gulf war, as ill-advised as that war was (liberating Kuwait? Yeah right...we all know that was also about the oil) Because not only are we talking about people going over and dying over there for even less of a reason then they were before (and don't give me that bullshit about how our troops supposrt our actions over their...they're doing they're job but I doubt for a second they'd all be risking their lives over there and away from their families and happy about forging the American way for the Iraqis...I someohow we're hearing the minority of positive opions of what the soldiers are doing over there....Mr. PResident...bring them home already...the pissing match is ver and you've proven you're the bigger bully than Sadam....and where's Osama exactly?)

Not only do we have a completely unjustified war going on right now, but we have corruption running rampant in thw hitehouse...the president's main advisor being one of the most morally banrupt people I have ever read about, willing to sacrifice thousands of CIA agents to winn his own pissing match...we have a president whose day to day decisons are seemingly being guided by the religious right who belive God picked hima s out president (the lack of seperation of chucrh and state makes me want to get a boat a discover another new counry...if there were one to discover...)

We have the head of the FCC who doesn't think the last commissioner fined people enough, and who would assuredly immediately fine the hell out of anyone who played the song above, is openly ingaged in racketeering against broadcasting companies in this country, and gets around the whole absolute first amend ment right "Congress shall make no law" thing by threatening to fine these broadcasters, which essentially boils down to why the RICCO statutes where passed to bring the Mafia up on criminal standards. But we all know you can't fight city hall.We have two political parties who are more intersted in showing the other party up, finding their next candidate superstar, and blocking any other parties right to speak out in an election, then they are about the thoughts and concerns about their constituates.

And we have organized religon that's only raped and sexually abused children because thier priests are "married " to god and not allowed a normal outlet for their sexuality. We have organized religon which has been a main or secondary cause for every major bloody war in the history of the world. We have organized religion which is, in it's most extreme cases, able to be manipulate into allowing it's followers to belive that prejudice, segregaton, slavery, bigotry and murder are all right in the name of whatever God they serve. Even though many of those religons say we all start off as sinners, apaprently being a "bigger sinner" is enough reason to beat, rape, torture, and kill. We have organized religion which, although every major religon has the wording in some form of "Do unto others as you would have them due onto you" can't get over the fact that their one religon is the one true one and you must convert all the others over to your way of thinking, all the other heathens out there.

We live in a country where the top 1% earn and live way beyond their means, yet complain anytime they are taxed as much as the rest of us. A country where an average of 700,000 go to sleep without a home every night. Many of these people and families and they are hungry on top of it. And yet all out focus is on everything except the problem at home.

We live in a country where instead of embaracing thos ekids who have a love for the arts and music, we cut their program thus cutting off their potential for growth and creativity in those fields because they simply aren't supported. Again, the top 1% of the communties in these countries don't worry about these programs being cut, but the middle and lower class schools struggle to keep these progarms alive. Why? Because they can't even get simple things like new books and basic heating and repairs their schools need.

We live in a country where they only punishement for stealing millions of dollars from your company and thie future retirement plans of said companies are stolen and never compensated with time served fro good behavior and a slap on the wrist. You can go a ahead an either keep the money or give it back to the governemtn in fines and such. Well try, as a a government to filter soem of that back to the employees, but court costs were a lot to try you.

We live in a country whose Hollywood system allowed "8 Heads In A Duffle Bag" to be made. Someone actually pitched this to studio and they though, "What a great idea for a flick. Greenlight this and get it made immediately." In short, a Hollywood system full of boobs. (althought his is partially unfair as those same boobs also allowed movies like "Jarhead" to be made. A movie everybody should run out and see by the way.) However, I still can't beleive not only one person had the idea for "8 HEads in a Dufflebag" but then someone else heard it and thought it'd be a good dea. I hope those two chuckleheads are no longer making movies.This is the world and country that we live in...one that many people are filled with doubt, hate, murdeorus thoughts, corruption, greed, malice, envy, and pride.

BUt don't play "Psalm 69" on the airwaves. Oh god no, don't see the humor or social and political relevence to what the song is saying. Instead, if it does get played, fine the fucking shit out of whoever plays it. I guarentee these are the words the FCC commish would use and he's far fromt he angel he portrays on TV.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."Hey Mr. President!!! Hey Congress!!! Hey FCC!!! I'm pretty sure the above, when it says NO LAW, I'm pretty sure it's not no meaning yes or no meaning maybe, but no meaning no. I see no provisions in there barring obscenity or anything saying "except under standards set by the religious right and the conservatives on Capitol Hill." Seems pretty cut and dry to me. It's an absolute right. Let me live my life and stop worrying about what I say.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween, 2005 and the scariest thing in this world is the incompetence and carelessness of our governemnt. Such a spoiled brat mentality, that when they didn't hear soemthing they liked they jeopardized thousands of CIA operatives lives to prove that they had the bigger dick. Whether it's eventually directly tied to Rove or Cheney, or even more likely, neither, it's scary to think that we live in a country that will bully you out of your radio station license for making a fart joke on the air, but sees that it's perfectly okay to jeopardize people lives who live covertly t, oh yeah, capture intellegence for your own country. Not that i'm any uge fan of the CIA, don't get me wrong. I think it's been proven to a pretty evil orginization over the course of it's life, but all the pople who used that dummy company and were undercover behind the guise of this false front, their lives and careers are not only ruined but also in danger of being ended because of what they have been pretending to be over the course of thir employment. And all for what? So some government republic dick wad can use it as some pissing match to prove how big a dick he has. And after all this people still voted not only for this president who has no fucking semblance of an idea for what's going on, but better yet the puppet masters that pulls his strings behind the scenes. We are truly being fucked by this administartion people. And the worst part is their the 16 years olds drunk with the keys to the Mercedes and it's beginning to look like there's nothing we can do to get them out of the car. ANd now I look out and see the FCC (another cronie of our great president) saying Michael Powell didn't do ENOUGH and should have been finig more. And should a company try to stand up to what essentially is racketeering, they lose their livelyhood. It's a no win situation and all we can do is sit here and wtach it happen like zombies here on Halloween. I implore you today not to sit arounf like a zombie, speak out and do something about this administartion. He wasn't my choice, this administartion wasn't my choice, and it makes me sick to my stomach to think we should have to sit around and put up with this jock mentallity anylonger. This bullying of our rights, our selves, our own personage. Visit the first amanedment project, call Fox and Bill O-Reilly, challanege the so-called "vocal majority" and tell them they are wrong. Don't be a zombie.

Incidently...the Romero movies aren't just great horror movies, they are great social commentary. If only I could only say so much with so much gore someday.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

I've got a hole in my chest that can't be filled. It was opened by a visceral piece of music that moved me to tears. Not physical but internal. If it can't be explained why try? It does remind me of my trust issues. However, just because everything I've ever trusted in life is now broken, does that mean it can't be mended. No. Will it ever be the same? No. Someone used the term "closed-off." My mother substitutes that with picky. I could care less either way. It's that notion of being lonely, but not lonely. The want of someone to wake up next to you, but the need to wake up alone. Everybody has it. It'll never happen unless your not looking for it. And then it's right under your nose and you ignored it for the other side of the fence. But the owner's moved out. You can't have that back again. You've already moved on, but with the question of "what if" in the back of your mind. There's no "if" anymore though. There just is. You can't questions what you've done. You can't apologize for it. It's what makes you what you are. Being a heartbreaker is a misnomer. Sometimes nothing is the best thing to say. I'm bored enough already. It's all static. Everybody is static. Fuck it, I'm moving the Australia. If I only had the security to say that and mean it. I'm not embarrassed anymore of anything because, what's there to really be embarrassed of anymore anyways? Listen to your elders kiddies, because they may just know better than you think you do. We all think in this stream of conciousness, but only the truly talented can translate the words. And it's brought to you by the word confidence and the number four.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I wish there wasn't such a stigma attached to age. Because it keeps you from being interested in people that, if age wasn't a factor, if age didn't even exist, could potentially keep you enthralled for ages. (Like that pun? Yes it's cute. You can pet it if you like.) I've never felt whatever age I am, although my birthday consistently reminds me that I am the age I am. My ex-girlfriend used to play this game with me when she used to remind me how old I was when she was a certain age. I hated that game. The number 29. I try to ignore it, but it's there on my birth certificate. You spend your whole life to a certain point trying to be older, until one day, you spend the rest of your life wishing you were younger. What a complete oxymoron we all get stuck in.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

"You can't lose something you never had to lose in the first place. You can only think about what it would've been like to have it.""Force does not good, even in the best circumstances.""If it was meant to be it would've happened.""You can't wait forever for it to be realized.""You really need to move on."

If I hear any of the preceding sentences again I will scream. There's nothing better to do so I'm not talking for the time being. Why even show any colors at all if everyone keeps suggesting that you bottle everything up and never say how you feel.

"Dude, you can't give it all away. You've got to play it cool and not say how you feel."

I'm so tired of being "real". Maybe it's time to be fake for a little bit.

Or better yet, just not "be" at all.

(Calm down. These are not suicidal thoughts. I'm far too old for that bullshit. Read it again and you'll undertsand what I'm saying.)

Monday, October 10, 2005

Remember The Escape Club which later became Chapter II? Remember standing outside in November trying to sell tickets to people who wanted nothing to do with your band? Remember the guy who asked you to cover another Tool song (what did you know...they were cool when you were 14 and in a band writing your own crappy music..)? Remember him asking if you knew "Prison Sex"? Remember Ugly Kid Joe and Scatterbrain being the biggest show ever? Remember Gwar covering you in fake blood? Remember Dee Snider being a dick during the worst snow storm you ever saw? Remember spending a whole February day trying to pretend you were Ornette Coleman while playing with Shrapnel Jack? Remember when they had the name Filter first? Remember Gambit at the AMVETS having to pretend they were someone else? Remember that first big show you saw your friends at with Elroy's Fetish? Remember Trolley Car Blackout's first show at the Middle East? Remember Joe talking to you about this great new band Quicksand and then he didn't know they had a full length? Remember going to see them at Axis? Remember talking about this great new band Nine Inch Nails before Soundgarden opened for Guns N' Roses at the Palladium? Remember the kid who did flips during Piebald's set at the American Legion? Rememeber Mason and Converge at the Red Barn? Remember putting the footage to that show in slow motion to Pavement's "Grounded"? Remember the last Splintered 12 show? Remember Cave In and Giant's Chair in Methuen when your door fell of your car? Rememeber watching "Slacker" at Chris's house? Remember playing Axis and Allies until 4 AM? Remember the old UFI where they weren't allowed to put on shows? Remember seeing Bubblegum Riot at the new UFI? Remember Lunar Plexis, Vision Of Disorder and Godflesh at the Rat? Remember when Amy had Gish before anyone had heard of the Smashing Pumpkins? Remember when she made you that tape with "Bleach" on the front and "Nevermind" on the back? Remeber the first time you saw that video on Headbanger's Ball? Remember Queensryche and Suicidal Tnednecies at the Centrum? Remember when Ben told you if you like Fishbone to check out Bad Brains, and 24-7 Spyz? Remember when the only ska band you liked was Fishbone because they weren't really a ska band? Remember Faith No More, Helmet, and Quicksand at the New Aud? Remember Ministry and Foetus in Fitchburg? Remember that week that Soundgarden, Nine Inch Nails, Sepultura and Pantera all had new albums? Remember the first time you heard Black Flag watching "The Decline Of Western Civilization" when you were 15? Remember when Dave Mustaine blasted Metallica every chance he got? Remember Sam Black Church headlining a hall show once every three months in the area? Remember when you realized you hated Earth Crisis? Remember when you didn't think about being straight edge, you didn't have to were a shirt or patch to prove it, you just were? Remember when you first discovered 7's? Remember buying that first one (I think mine was Burn)? Remember identifying with what all those Revealtion bands were singing about? Remember being in the first row with your finger pointed singing along? Remember when it was okay to listen to things that sounded different? Remember remembering? Remember...it'll never be that good again.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

As the first of two weddings approach that I will be attending for the week, I'm constantly reminded and bomabarded mostly by family memebers of when I'm going to get "a nice girl" and "settle down". I'm so fucking sick of this talk I want to explode. As I get older, I begin to think more and more that marriage and relationships and all that shit just isn't for everybody. A friend recently referred to my current attitude towards women and relationships and the like as being "emotionally retarded" but I don't think that immaturity and a lack of need to commit to something are mutally exclusive. It's not even that so much, as...I see all these people limping in their so-called relationships, and then I hear people whining about finding their one person blah blah fucking blah and I want to say get the fuck over yourself. Some friends have called it being picky but I don't even think of it on that level anymore. Yeah, I guess i could settle for the first thing that shows me intrest, but I'm so dead set against ending up not happy that a refuse to settle. I don't know why people make things so fucking difficult. What's wrong with being interested in someone and getting to know them. I do envy my friends getting married this weekend in this, thyey've been involved in their relationships long enough to know their doing the right thing. I'm so tired of these labels and contradictions on what people put on what theya re. Boyfriend girlfriend, dating, seeing each other, going steady, what the fuck ever you call it, it justs eems like some need that we have to prove to our parents in some socialogical way, that our staus is in tow with the rest of the way everything supposed to line up. EVen if you label it as "friends with benefits" or whatever you want to call that whole thing, haven't you at least but some sort of inverstment in the other person. Doest it even have to be anymore than that? I'm just completely not complcit in follwoing what we are supposed to do by societies standards when referring to all this relationship bullshit. I don't understand why amazing converstions with girls have to lead to anything more than more amazing conversations. I don't know what happened to the days where we could just let thngs go as they may. If it mean follwoing some faux standard that's been provided to us through books and media and what's presented as what we should do, I'd rather just be alone.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Strippers are the most honest, forthright people you can meet. If you ask them to be totally honest and up front about something they will be, no hold bars. And there's no pre conceived notions of what your relationship with them is, you want to see them naked, and theyw ant to take your money. Little did I realize however, how theraputic talking to a stripper with none of these pre-coceived notions of sex or relationships. because sometimes, for a second at least, it's not all about seeing another person naked on the stage in front of you but getting to know, even for a brief second, someone who makes a lot of money tkaing of her clothes to fulfill some dudes fantasy that he could every be with her. But wait I've gotten off topic. What I really wanted to say is that the common misconception about a woman who takes her clothes of for money is that she's dumb and can find no better job than this. But that's not it at all in reality is it?

Just note this...if you spend an hour in a strip club talking to someone who's job it is to take her clothes off in front of you, but instead you talk about a girl who's job it isn't to take her clothes off in front of you, and the adult entertainer says, you know there might be something to that...you should probably listen to that advice.

Whether you can do something with it or not.....

And don't ask me how we got into that conversation because that was after much Jager and Tequila...but what I was left with was the wisdom of a stripper...and it's not something to be taken lightly...

Saturday, July 30, 2005

If I had just five minutes with any of the brain trust in Washington, that sits on it's morally high ground and tries to save us from oursleves, Iwould say why is it perfectly acceptable to blow away as many people with as many different weapons in a game, but you show five minutes of softcore simulated sex and we need to protect our children. You would think that "our children" wouldn't have this game in the first place because of the violence, which in my estimation is much more dangerous and influential on a young persons mind than the fact that you can have sex with someone on this game. And don't get me wrong, I own all of the GRand Theft Auto games and love them to death, but ti strikes as oh so hyporctitical, that someone's who husband as president exposed a whole generation of young minds to the meaning of the term "oral sex" should get all high and mighty that there's a scene in this game that you, may I add, have to go through some considerable amount of trouble to open on this game, I am so sick and tired with the double standard in our country towards sex and violence. It's all right to portray a car shaking, simulating having sex, and then run the hooker over after....but a scene with just sex???? How dare we. It's no doubt the Europians laugh at us on a daily basis based on how backward our government's ideals are. God forbid we should ever have open and frank discussions or depictons of sex in this country. Blow up and maim all the bodies you want, kill all the people you want...that's perfectly all right. Not to metion the fact, senator, that it's all FUCKING MAKE BELIEVE!!!!!! The problem is not that these things existys, but rathe rthat people off so called-importance place such a realistic and inflated view of these things in society and as a result, they become self-fulfilling prophecies. These in turn, provide the hyprocracy of Washington with more faux reasons why inf act they need to pass more laws and bills to take away more of our rights to protect ourselves from oursleves. And then wehn anybody questions it, they use the convienent excuse of "Well, Grand Theft Auto is not what the founding father's had in mind when they created the Bill Of Rights." What makes these people any more intuitive to the founding father's intent than you or me....i'll tell you. Nothing.

Friday, July 22, 2005

This is the thing I hate most about New England....the fact that you can practically swim through the air even at one in the morning. With nothing else but the sweat on my back and forehead, I can't think of anything, other than being sick, that I love least. And the air makes it so uncomfortable, that you can't even fall asleep comfortably. It's like s teambath in a spa that i never paid for. Or maybe I'm blaming the obvious for my sudden discomfort, but it seems this is the first time in a long time that I've not been able to sleep. It's l;ike some giant sun is baking me from within and I can do nothing to stop it. Oh well, what can ytou do but just grin and bear it. And when I'm falling asleep at my cubicle tomorrow, entering orders, waiting for the moment I can leave for the weekend and go help with some backing vocals, and as I clear my throat all day long, trying to rifd the remenats of this summer cold I've had all week, I can always blame the weather right? My boss will understand. And when your in this state, overtired but unable to sleep, the weirdest thoughts jump into your head. LIke the wedding your about to go to and be abest man at. Or the bachelor party your throwing that precludes said wedding. Or the wedding your going to the week before that. And suddenly all these people around you are deciding to spend the rest of their lives with each other, and you feel absolutley no need to make a permanent decsion like that yet. And your okay with that decision. But you can't understand why nobody else is. And let me just end with this, maybe the reason you don't see me anymore is because i'm tired of the interregations about who i'm seeing and why i'm not with anyone right now. Just because you think being single is tre not chic, does not make that the be all end all. And no I don't want to go out with your friend. I'm two things for sure patience and picky. When did these become dirty four letter words all of a sudden?

Currently listening :

The New RomanceBy Pretty Girls Make GravesRelease date: By 09 September, 2003

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

There's a fine line between honoring someone's wishes and fulfilling a storybook fairy tale ending. While we all think we're hoeless romantics looking for that next slice of happy ending cake....at the end of the day we're all just that much happier to be alone. Which is scary at the times when you think you might need another person by your side. It seems, by no choice of my own, that I've been surrounded by rejection and failing relationships the last month or so. And while I hope I am not without a home soon, I got the first inkling today that I may have to move soon and that distresses me mostly because I'm settled and while I'm a firm belivier that you should shake things up when your unhappy, for the most part, my state of mind, despite the negative things going on, is the opposite of happy right now.. All this turbulent news and somehow I'm powerless to do anything about it all. Coach, take me out of the game....I don't think I can pitch with this smile on my face anymore.....

Sunday, July 17, 2005

People should be honest. As people, this is what we do best. Get down to nitty gritty and expose out true feelings for eveyone to see. If you can't deal, then your not being honest with yourself. This has been seriously the weirdest two weeks of my life. And i have a feeling it's only going to get weirder. Remember that friend you had a while back who thought you had gone completely off the deep end so she stopped talking to you? If she's not in Syracuse, then where the fuck exactly is she? I wish I coud blame the drugs, but there were no drugs there to blame. Just my own insecurities as a human being. And those will probably be there forever. If your not understanding this, then you don't know a lot about me. And no one put there is ever going to understand all of this, because that's how much of myself I won't expose to anyone. But stream-of-conciousness IS the wave of the future, and I just got that gold medal in surfing for catching the biggest most gnarly one.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Having just watched a documentary on IFC, I'm completely disgusted at what we've allowed to happen amongst my generation, our music, our culture in general. The generation below us has nothing to look for in terms of a model because we as a geneartion have been so lacadasical and lazy that we've provided them with nothing. These bands from the 70's and into the 80's embodied what it meant to be punk rock because not only were they not afraif to voice their opinons but they didn't hold themselves back from anything. Much like the terms grunge of the 90's, emo of the 2000's this term punk was simply characterized through the media and what labels put on it. But at the end of the day it's actually PUNK ROCK...two words equally reliant on each other in what these bands did. Christ, when Daryll Jennifer tells you he never thought what his band was was hardcore and that he didn't even fucking know what that was and that he thought it was simply conected to pornography not a type of music it really spells it out. It's not anything that can be releagted to a simple word or phrase but rather si something that can't be named. I, along with anybody else from my generation should take responsibility for all the crap that sounds exactly the same out there because we have provided no sort of model for thos ekids to follow. Where has it all gone? As I approach thirty I actually think I'm more pissed off about everything more now than i was ten years ago. It's time for us to not just bacl\k a type of music or a movement, but rather an over all aestethtic. We must begin to lead our young social siblings into the next decade that challenges what we're told are the majority thoughts and opions of our current society, much like the Dead Kennesdy's and Black Flag and Minor Threat and Bad Brains challenged us. We have to do more to point out what is going on in our world. We should all be livid. We've slept for long enough.

We're long overdue for a new revolution that has to do with ideas and chalenges in our music and is not just a fucking fashion show that whines about why your girlfirend left you. I'm so fucking sick of this I could scream.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

After eating some of me favorite food (namely Kowloon's on route one) with some of my favorite people (namely my bandmates who are always good for several deep and meaningfull laughing sessions) I stopped off after a few adult beverages to partake in one of my favorite pastime activties (that being walking thorugh what must be one of the world's largest Branes and Noble on route one), searching for books to add to my mini-study (thata ctually only takes up a corner of my room right now.) This action being slightly in front of walkigna round comic book stores and wlaking around cd/dvd stores ins earch for new additons to my library of sorts ( the third only being third because of the large amount of time i spent working and a store like this and as a result it having taken some of the magic out of the experience...although there always is Amoeba Records in Claifornia, that no matte rhow many times I walk in, my breath is still taken away with how much time could be lost).As I walked around the stores trying to figure out what ti was I was in the mood to read I ahppened upon a couple...more to the oint that couple. That couple that you have an immadiate anti-pavlovian reaction to in regards to their gazing into each others eyes, lightly kissing each other on the lips as they read their hyper-intellectual books and you avoiding vomiting your chinese food all over the middle of the floor. Feeling the ned to ignore this pavlvian reactyion and to associate this action to one of my favorite activites I walked away immediately, but then started to wonder why it is I had this immediate action to this public display of affection. What i think I relaized, is while i'm far from the super exhibtionist in regards to these types of things, part of me was probably sickened by the fact that I was jealous of these too people in front of me. And while the pessimistic villian that dwells inside reslihed in the fact that these kind of love struck moments never really last, and that in time these two would probably be fighting and hating each other sooner reather than later, the opelss romantic in me also wanted to be in that situation, if not only slightly. As these thoughts raced through my head, I came across a book I ahd been looking for for the last ten years and it struck me that these two love birds might have actually not only been good luck to me but also a sign that that pessimistic part of me may be fading away in my old age. Maturity shows itself to you in the starngest ways, especially when you realize shopping in bookstores is now one of your favorite activities. And as I walked out with my new Chuck P. book and my cherished "Fade" book by the great Robert Cormier, I walked up to the couple, shook my hands and thanked them (when questioned with"For what" I simply said i didn't matter and thanked them away and was on my way), I jumped in my car with my new found realization of life and sang at the top of my lungs as I took the long way home. While I despise traffic as much as I do being sick, I love driving with the music blasting singing at the top of my lungs. And pulling into the driveway, an almost childlike giddyness came ove rme as i felt like, whether it happens in the near future or in the far future, I'll get that gaze back again....

Thursday, July 07, 2005

I forgot how to be charming.I forgot to have free will.All I can do is sit and wonder what the fuck is going on.And wonder what the fuck is wrong.And what I did.The talking is great.The talking is great.Everything that leads up to it is damaged.Everything that follows is ruined.And silence is the knife in my back.Pick another day.Pick another day.Get in line because it's all backed up.If you're not frusterated you're dead.And I've got so long to go before I understand.If you've got a suggestion I'll take it.If you've got a suggestion I'll take it.Cause I'm fresh out of ideas.And I've got nothing left to say.Check.It's your move.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

there's some people that no matter how long it's been since you've seen them, can send your brain running for answers to very easy questions. they leave you feeling breathless, as if you have so much to say but can actually say none of them. i've had this ridculous crush for years on someone who did this to me yesterday, no warning of meeting up, just coincidence yesterday morning. i feel so much more intellegent when i'm not talking to these people face to face, but once i'm physically presented with their presence, intellegence goes out the window, and i feel like i've been slapped against the face with nothing really to say. it's an interesting phenomena that if you should be so lucky to experience, will make you believe in things such as santa clause and the easter bunny. it's really bizzare that at this current point in my life (and trust me i hate talking on the phone more than anything, but in order to provide unsubstantiated proof that i am some what intellegent and not some blathering idiot) there easily four or five girls who, when faced with the task of speaking face to face, in person, i have absolutely nothing constructive to say and nothing but anxiety, but when from a distance i can expouse upon the virtues of anything. i'm not sure quite what causes this, whtehr it's an inherit fear of rejection or low self esteem for my own physicality, but it's strikes me as funny that a smile could knock me out so quickly....

Monday, July 04, 2005

time is our enemy. time is the thing that we both never have enough of, and yet can never seem to wait for it to end sometimes as well. long periods of waiting for the unsure is what is excrusciating sometimes in all it's wisdom. time is the thing that always leads us to the next phase of whatever it is we want to do, but is also the thing that can end whatever it is that we enjoy. they say patience is a virtue but sometimes it can be a virtue that none of us have. there's so many things to do in this world, why are we so scared to do any of them. it needs to change today. if there's somethjing you want to do, you should just do it fearlessly, owrrying not about what those around you will say, or not worrying about failing or rejection, but rather worrying about whether you will learn from the expereince. because experience is what, in the end, makes us what we are. denying that or ignoring that or not facing up to that only perpertuates the image of being "fake". and who can stand a fake person. i know holden caulfield hates them. i just cringe when i see low self-esteen over power a sense of a persons need to be themselves. because no matter how low your self esteem is, it should never contradict your sense of self. i know who i am. i know who i want to be. i know what i want to do.

Friday, June 24, 2005

I hate conventions that tell us how we should be. If we lived by conventions,we'd be without some of the great thinkers and doers of the world. If we were more open to breaking convention, a lot more of those people would have lived much longer lives. We've become too safe. We've become boring.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Remember your first crush? I remember everything about mine except her name. I remember her face, I remember her smell (strawberry shortcake signiture style shampoo) and I remember the kiss she gave me standing on the steps to her apartment at West Lowell Ave. Her name is consquential to releasing this feeling of anguish i have with in. And her name is on the tip of my toungue, even now, as it has been the last five years but it won't reveal itself to me. I even remember it was August when I was six years old. I long for the days when we had that innocent intimacy that we had as kids. It hink i've spent the last 22 years of my life trying to find an sustain that feeling with another girl, like the one I had for what ulitmately was probably a pretty short time with that girl in the apartment building across the way. And as our pasts are taken away from us day by day (I drove by the house i grew up in for a few years in Amesbury the other day and found that development projects had completely destroyed everything that could even remotely have had a memory for me. People are literally living on my memories) all we have is the memories that we can fall back on. And it's scyay that poeple I've now frown to hate, I can remember their names no problem, but this girl who was so importnat to be discovery of not only the beauty of the opposite sex, but my respect for it, I just can't remeber her name. Maybe someday in this big wide world of the internet I'll run across her happenstance, and it will all be proven kismet in the end. But for now I only have the memories of her, and really whjat a first crush means. It's so rare we feel this way about someone of the opposite sex (since that crush I think i can count similar feelings about other girls maybe once or twice in my life....I wouldn't go so far to say that i could understand the complicated emotion of love when i was six, but it was incredible exhilerating and most importnatly i know it made me smile) that I think our constant want for love in life is to feel the way we felt with that first crush always in any relationship we have. Us hopeless romantics will tell you that's really the only thing we've got going for us. That feeling is what keeps us hopelss romantics. So here's to all those people trying to fnd that feeling again. Don't ever throw it away if you find it because you have something more special than you'll ever realize.

Intriguing might be my favorite word both because of it's own definition and also because of what it can define. "Meeting People Is Easy". I'm still not sure if I stand with Radiohead on this. I guess it depends on where they stand on the word "meet". Interesting and exciting, when attributed to new people, are not exclusive to each other, but it's so much more envigorating when they could be. What is the next move here?

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

When we were kids we had it good. There was that one Saturday morning in September that was almost as good as Christmas. You planned out your morning like you were about to take a safari through Africa. You started early, jumped on the couch aroun 5 am or so...started the morning off with those reruns they had been showing since 1972. There's was some dirty puppet on what seemed to be a knock of a combination of Sesame Street and some bizarre fish auction in Gloucester. After that you has some show where all they did was speak a little english and a lot of Spanish and you weren't quite sure exactly what you were supposed to learn but you think you had some idea it was about gardening or community or something. Then some guy taught you how to draw all while mystifying you with his seemingly endless afro. Already hopped up on your four bowls of Sugar Smacks, the real fun started. You had pain stakingly gone through every page of your special TV Guide, staking out your path for morning viewing, trying to figure out if you would stick with the Smurfs for the whole 90 minutes or take a side trip down Muppet Baby Avenue. The cartoons just got better and better. And you didn't care how wimpy, how girly, how babyish those shows were because they were cartoons dammnit and they were made for you. Fuck Sunday, being made to wear those stuffy clothes and listen to some old guy babble on for what seemed like days about something you really didn't have the mental capacity to handle, this was your church. And it wasn't just Saturday mornings. It carried over the whole week. You and your friends running home straight from school to watch the next adventures of Lion-O or Inspector Gadget. Just waiting through that epic fight between Skeletor and He Man so you could find out what words of wisdom Orko would lay on you today. Waiting until that new Transformers or GI Joe mini-series started. (You see kids, before they were actually everyday series, they teased us with miniseries to whet our appetites. There were even Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Brite mini-series for the girls.) And the only show after school you wanted to see with real people involved a fucked up blonde mom and brunette dad with 3 brothers and 3 sisters, a dog named Tiger a maid named Alice and when they all got a little older a cousin named Oliver that was unlike any fucking family you had ever seen. And maybe just maybe, you'd allow your self a little education by the way of the Electric Company or 3-2-1 Contact. I mean, Mom and Dad got you the magazines every month, you might as well have watched the shows. We grew up in the early days of Nickolodeon, where You Can't Do That On Television And The Weekend Special filled up our Saturday afternoons; where Livewire and Reggie Jackson ended our Sundays. Where when you were home sick from school, the only thing to watch was Pinwheel and Today's Special (I still say they got the whole idea for this show from that Andre McCarthy gem, Mannequin) .And where every weeknight after Danger Mouse, the first kid's network actually went off the air. Imagine that.

Somewhere along the way kids lost their way. You allowed our sacred ritual of sugar cereals and technicolor fanatasies to be taken over by the corpoarte masses. You kids out there...you can have your Poke-things and Yu-Gi-Whatsits. I'll keep my Picture Pages, thank you.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Do you need any other reason to be afraid for our future than the weather in New England the last three weeks? Abnormal more than a state of being or mind, it's in the sky right outside the window. There's no longer seasons here, it's only about hot and cold, wet and not wet.

(I don't use the term dry because with the humidity, it's really never dry, sweat included.)

It's getting to be that a person can't even enjoy a day here anymore, because nature won't permit it. Nature won't permit boys and girls, because we've been bad. Get ready for the flood. It's coming. All those disaster movies were true.

(These are the things people like Johnathan Edwards would say back in the puritanical days. Only he'd say it was all God's wrath and not nature.)

I am far from religious so I don't believe this.

(The rest of my thoughts on religion will have to wait for another day though.)

However, I have become a huge believer in karma. And the way our atmosphere is treating us right now, this is a huge karmic bitchslap from mother nature herself. Floroclorocarbons be damned. We're being taught a lesson.

Don't ever confuse religion with spirtuality. They are completley unrelated.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

"Being independant" is more than just a verbal phrase. Society sometimes piles on our shoulders that we always have to be involved with someone, that we can't enjoy the time we allow for oursleves. While there is a difference I believe in what is healthy alone time and unhealthy alone time, I don't understand why beyond that some people feel the need to have those they are emotionally involved with define them. Definition should come from within. While another person can compliment you, I don't think they should ever definie you. Your own definition is what gives you charatcer and depth. I'm tired of the girls I come across who need a boyfriend for no other reason than they've lost their own personality and need this other person to define them. We should, however, never confuse defintion and personality. I think a person can be shy and quiet and that is their definiton. I think they can warm up to people and become loud, outspoken and boisterous and this is there definition. What is scary is when you need antoher person around to tell you how your going to be, what your going to be, where your going to be, and most eggregiously who your going to be. If you don't have some sense to the answers to these questions, than the problem is you don't need any on. you need to figure yourself out first. It's find to find yourself, but if you haven't found yourself, what makes you think anybody else is going to be able to find you. And then your starting down that dangerouly slippery slope of deception with whomever you are trying to be with. While we're all left with temporary insecurites and unsecurities as to who we are, (it comes with the territory of growing and maturing and being a human being) what's so sad is some of these people who I see who have no sense of core deep down inside. It's these people who are lost. Acting fiercely independant and being fiercely independant are two completely different things. I wish some would understand that independence and simply being single are not mutually exclusive.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Not being a declared democrat or republican, but being liberal in my politcal thoughts and ideals....it makes me sick that we've actually turned our political voting system in this country into a huge popularity contest. It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. What other reasons could you give to our current president, the son of a former president, and that really being the only he's got going for him getting elected into office. Yes, he was a governor, but he only got that job because, bingo, he was the son of a president. Name recoginition, folks. That's what we are voting on. What else would explain the governor of our largest, most populated state being elected. It can't be based on his shining past politcal record. No, it's instead because he starred in movies like The Terminator and Predator. What else explains The Kennedys, who depite being insiders in Washington for decades, can't seem to give away an election when they run due to the fact that their name alone is probably most associated with American politics. What else explains a president who was embroiled in controversy first over real estate dealings and then because of his "affairs" in the white house and yet still walked out smelling like roses with one of the highest approval raitings ever, having people actually state they would vote for him again. We perpetuate our own crooked system by the attention we and our media draw making all these re-elections self fullfilling prophecies by the fame we give these officials. Folks, we're not voting for ideals or issues anymore. We're voting simply based on a name. A name and a word associated to our beliefs. "Conservative or liberal." "Red or Blue". We've allowed ourselves to all be pigeonholed into these convienant slots, all the while those we've elected into office make this a murkier and more depressing world in the name of our basic rights, that were supposed to be protected by the bill of rights. The only bill of rights anybody seems to stand by anymore is the one drawn up by big business. "He who write the checks has the rights." I don't want to be seen as a percentage point or a color anymore. I don't want my ideals to be summed up anymore by what is largely an understood convienient term thrown into our politcal vocabulary. It simply means I am one of many, and that my part of a percentage point doens't need to be listened to because I will have no matter in the outcome. I have no power as a percentage point. Whatever happened to revolution?

Thursday, June 16, 2005

It took me 4 years to stop holding grudges and five more minutes to get over myself. I don't have time for anger, just time for people whose company I enjoy. I love it when your realize your own maturity. (Which hypocritcally, is kind of immature.)