World’s longest fingernails. But you figured that out already, didn’t you?

Mike:

Duck and cover, Jimmy, I think I see Robert Carson!

Jimmy:

By all reports, he’s the nicest young man in the world. But eleven innings, seven home runs. We should contact the people at Guinness World Records. This sounds historic.

Mike:

Honestly, what is Carson still doing here? It seems obvious he has a gambling problem and is doing everything in his power to get sent back to Las Vegas. Sandy has to realize you can’t save everyone, addiction is a very powerful thing. Send him back to Sin City and whatever becomes of Robert is on him.

Jimmy:

My name is Robert Carson and I’ve got a problem. That’s the first step right there. And never, ever bet on the Knicks.

Mike:

Ouch, too soon, that was a Saturday night ruined for me.

Now, Scott Rice is on pace to make about 161 appearances and people are getting worried about his future. Let’s be honest. Scott Rice has no future, this is it. So all the “we are going to burn out Scott Rice” stuff is hilarious. Sorry, but who cares?

Jimmy:

I care! Terry Collins frets and worries about Rice’s appearances, then puts him in again with his palms up, hands extended, “What else can I possibly do?”

As if this stuff just magically happens.

Look, I know you are a cold-hearted pragmatist-slash-bastard, so I’ll try to appeal to that side. A productive, 31-year-old reliever is an asset. These games are meaningless — there’s no pennant to win — it’s counter-productive to blow out his arm in the year 2013 of our Lord. Secondly, pitchers on other clubs look at these thing to help determine where they might land as free agents. Do we really want to be the team that treats ‘em like cattle? You know, I think that’s why so many good players came to the Mets during the Omar Minaya period. He earned a reputation for being fair and, yes, generous with those players. Rehabbing? Come to the Mets for your bounce back year, we’ll treat you right. Now, on the humanist side: The poor guy toils in the minors forever, he finally makes it to the pros, pitches great, and our ninny of a manager is going to burn him out? I don’t like it.

Mike:

Well, you have plenty of company from what I have seen. I think he is going to pitch bad soon enough that it is going to become moot. And this way when people look back at his baseball-reference page ten years from now he will have a few more appearances.

Jimmy:

Scott Rice on a rocking chair, bragging: “Yeah, sonny boy, I appeared in 137 games in ’13 and then the shit was pretty much shot — but what a ride!”

Mike:

Also, if he gets injured and is out for the year he gets paid major league dollars all season. In April, Rice might have signed up for that deal.

Plus, any time Rice is in the game — Carson cannot be in the game. The one pitcher at a time rule. So I want to see him early and often! Fried Rice for me!

Jimmy:

The Mets with a side of Rice! I was wondering, Mike. Do we even like Ruben Tejeda anymore, or is he just another dull Met we’re sick of watching?

Mike:

Anymore? The day after Reyes signed with the Marlins I cancelled all four of my accounts with the Mets. Watching Tejada, on a good day, is like watching fishing on TV. Nobody in New York City wants to see that.

He got two bloop hits on Sunday and now has it figured out. He’s been hitting his fly outs too far. Even with those two soft hits that fell like whispers on the grass, he’s hit .177/.215/.210 in May. In fact, the May team numbers overall are amazing (as of 5/20):

Duda: —-.148/.203/.333

Buck: —-.204/.316/.286

Turner: –.160/.250/.160

Davis: —.140/.189/.160

How does Collins figure out a lineup, does he toss the I Ching? Is he using a Ouija board?

When darts don’t work, Terry Collins turns to the Ouija Board for guidance. It’s better than flipping a coin!

Even Valdespin — who is treated as a conquering hero in some corners of the internet — is hitting .136 in May (albeit, with only 22 ABs). I heard in France a lot of folks take off the month of August, but I didn’t know about Flushing and May. The fortunate thing is our team is fairly healthy. Imagine if Wright pulled a hammy.

Mike:

No, I only think good thoughts about Wright. Karma, Jimmy, karma.

Jimmy:

My thought is, all these guys are getting down on their knees each night and saying, “Dear God, thank you — THANK YOU! — for Ike Davis!”

Mike:

Ha. That’s true, he is this years Jason Bay. And then next offseason Sandy can do nothing again and explain how we will be better just by not having Ike around. It’s brilliant when you really think about it.

Jimmy:

The old “addition by subtraction” gambit. I picked the Mets for 67 wins this season for three main reasons:

It’s awfully hard to lose 100 games;

Something always goes wrong, guys get hurt, and the club still has no depth. There are no reinforcements coming over the hill. This season will be like the Battle of Helm’s Deep — without the arrival of the Ents, without Gandolph arriving at sunrise with Éomer and his men;

At this point, maybe a truly horrible 100 plus loss season may be the best thing that could happen. It would put them in a position to get a top draft pick. It would also force ownership to decide whether they are committed to spending money to improve their product, or whether it’s time for them to get out and sell. If they think the fans are going to bail them out by spending money to support a horrible product they are delusional.

I agree that nothing is more important for this franchise than a commitment from ownership, or a sale. We have seen this act before, in the 1970’s, what ended that terrible cycle was when the team was sold.

I can’t even watch any more. I tune in for the 8th inning, watch Ike strike out with men on base and wait for the post game.

The Alderson interview was priceless. He’s upset that some of his moves haven’t worked out? Did I miss something? He made a move? He picks up Ankiel off the scrap heap and instantly becomes our best outfielder. Doesn’t that tell him something? He has a lineup with 6 hitters below .230! If losing 100 games will get us a new ownership team I’m in

I’m with you Don. They are unwatchable. Other than Harvey, there is zero reason to tune in. And with no one other than Wheeler in the minors to even wait for, selling the team is the only way I see we get out of the abyss we are falling through. Very sad.