“Know your worth”, “You need to love yourself” – we’ve heard it all before, but do we take it in and properly deep it.. I don’t, well I didn’t until I got a reality check. This is one major area of my life I have and probably still struggle with, and it’s proper mad because this isn’t how God sees us ladies. We are royalty and we need to behave like that!

I have dealt with SO much rubbish that definitely wasn’t my portion, but here I am to give my testimony. I guess God allows me to deal with certain things so I can be used as a vessel to reach out to other young women like myself. You can sit there sipping your tea and say in your head, ‘cant relate’ but you probably can, you just don’t want to admit it. I was that girl that used to believe I couldn’t relate, but yo – God humbled me differently.
You see Rihanna’s song ‘Needed me’ that was my anthem well a particular line or so actually. “You was just another n***a on the hit list… Didn’t they tell you that I was a savage?” (This is why I also need to work on the music I listen to because it definitely plants seeds- I’ll save that for another blog post.) I have been behaving and carrying myself like I am trash and getting trash treatment. I was moving like a savage and I didn’t care at all. Whatever I wanted, I would get 🙂
My problem personally is sex and lust – I wanna get deep without getting too deep. But that’s definitely been a problem for me, if I see someone I like and I want them, I can and I will make it happen – when I speak things into existence, I really do. It is bad because it isn’t of God and I am working on it, my flesh is weak man, very weak – especially weak for a 6ft slim fella, with a beautiful face. Satan knew what I wanted, and time and time again I would get it and I’m thinking ‘Rah, God niced me’ believing it was from God, but He wouldn’t bring something I wanted, it was never for me. Sometimes you have to thank God for saving you from what you wanted. Just hold it down and wait on him.

I was in a situation this year where I just devalued myself and accepted anything and everything because I wanted a relationship so badly. I was settling beyond my expectations and I allowed the situation to disrupt my peace and my mental state. We both wanted the same thing but I think I was more vulnerable because of the particular time he came into my life and I just forced it even though there were a million and one red flags, I just overlooked – that was my own fault. I was overly emotional and he was emotionally unavailable, there was no balance.
And after him I was just moving anyhow and just filling a void that only God could fill, I was smoking a lot and drinking even more and I just didn’t care about the consequences. This was very detrimental to my spirit and my mental health because it wasn’t helping me and I would relapse and be depressed and I didn’t know there were particular triggers to this, I’ve been okay for a few weeks because I have had to cut off people and things that weren’t helping me but thats an ongoing journey itself
I reached a point where I didn’t love myself because I believed that there was a lot wrong with me , I didn’t think I was good enough and I am going to be single for a very very very long time, I was just out here devaluing myself thinking I wasn’t worth it – and it would definitely show because the next guy could see that I didn’t value myself and would just come and do nonsense, but I allowed the nonsense so you know, I can’t blame them entirely!
I always used to believe that I needed to change myself, I needed to switch up my personality or character to suit the needs of others, yuck. God made me this way, and I don’t need to change for anybody. I need to renew my mind daily and just ask God to work on my heart. You ever clocked that the same thing happens over and over again and you’re wondering why, it’s because you haven’t learnt your lesson – it happens so you can draw closer to God. And I hadn’t, but now I have and I am able to write this and share it with you.
It has taken a few situations to realise that this is an area I really needed to work on, no guy can ever validate my worth, there is nothing wrong with me – I need to know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made – I shouldn’t have to look for my worth in a man, relationship or sex. That isn’t going to help at all, and I have now realised that. I needed to check myself.

It’s like I radiated low self esteem and just allowed myself to be in situations where I would just give myself away to a guy and it wasn’t doing anything for my soul apart from breaking it and diminishing my self worth. I didn’t love myself, as much as I have SO much love to give to others, I really don’t know how to love myself and until I am capable of loving and seeing myself the way God loves and sees me, I’m just going to end up in the same situations over and over again.
But you know what, we thank God for change and growth because I have the desire to do better and be better and to love myself because until I can honestly and truly love myself I won’t be capable of allowing someone to love me the way that God has it all planned out for me. And thats the journey I am on now, self love and knowing my worth. Things may have not been working out with the guy I dealt with because God wanted me to recognise my worth and for me to fully love myself properly before giving me my hearts desires.
I won’t lie to you, I still struggle with sex but self control is there because I have stopped myself on many occasions which is a good thing for me considering I like it a bit too much, to the point I crave it. But we thank God for his divine mercy and his grace to keep going and keep drawing closer to him, that’s literally all you gotta do girl, get closer to God and you’ll see the wonderful things he will do in your life in regards to your confidence, relationships and whatever else it is that you desire that is of God, because it has to be edifying to God and less to your flesh otherwise it is just going to be so pointless.
I’ll leave you with a few scriptures to read and meditate on: Psalm 139:14, Psalm 37:4, Matthew 6:33, Matthew 22:37-39 & 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Keep telling yourself that you are valued, you are virtuous and you are victorious. Seek God and all his righteousness will be added on to you! God loves you, start loving yourself too, until next time ladies, adios xo

Okay, so I have been mad quiet for the past few months, I’ve had some extreme writers block, lost my writing mojo and I have just been busy enjoying motherhood. Sorry, not sorry. But I’m back and I’m better.. I hope you’ve all been good! I am hoping I can keep this short and sweet – well I’m going to try.

Caleb-Joshua, my first born, my one and only (for now), my everything. I have never ever experienced such JOY, ever. He makes me feel even more excited than when I see food coming when I’ve gone out to eat. I don’t think I can even describe the love I have for my son. He has changed my life completely, compared to where I was and how I was feeling this time two years ago – things are definitely much better. My choco muffin has taught me so much, even from before he was born. He has motivated me differently. I have never ever been like this before, he has made me want to be better and do better. Everything I do is for him, all the decisions I make I always think how it will affect him, he is my number one priority.

A lot of things changed once I had Caleb – friendships, my emotional/mental wellbeing, and just life. Life proper changed, I was expecting it, but at the same time I wasn’t. But you know what, C’est la vie. You actually get over it – I’ve learnt over time not to dwell over certain things. You just have to let it go.

During pregnancy and motherhood, you learn.. Actually – let me speak for myself. I’ve learnt who was actually there for me and who was definitely temporary in during that season – some people served their purpose in my life and mine in theirs. I have formed new friendships with other young mums as well, so when one door closes, believe me, another will open. I thought had people around me who would be by my side and be there for life. Some friendships have broken and some have gotten a lot stronger. Some people who I didn’t think would be around have been so active and helped me with SO much, I really appreciate you!

The new friendships I have formed now though, I do appreciate a lot – because not only are they there for me as a mother they are there for me mentally – they definitely understand me and help me SO much that I don’t fall off, or if I do fall off they are there to help me pattern up and just fix up. There are some that pray for me

Motherhood has patterned me up differently you know, I can’t be bothered to deal with stress or any ounce of negativity. As much as Caleb is my priority, I need make sure that I’M good to be able to be a mum. I’m all about peace right now. Anything that disrupts that or even gets me the slightest bit agitated, I’ll withdraw so fast. There are a few people that thought I would be struggling and suffering because of the circumstances – but I’m good, we’re good, everything is good!

The one thing I thought would happen when I became a mother is that I wouldn’t have a life. By all means, life changed, priorities changed – but the one thing I remember my mum telling me ‘Your life is not over! You can still do what you want to do, just make sure you always think about your child first.’ That has stuck with me, my relationship with my mum has gotten ALOT better now – we are definitely closer than we have EVER been! She has been my rock from the moment I found out I was pregnant to now.
My mother understands that I need to have a timeout and time to myself every so often but I never ever forget that I am a mum first. She knows that I need to be good, she knows I have my supportive friends around me. She’s seen people come and go and she told me that it would happen but that’s life as I’ve said.

Caleb is SUCH a happy baby, he smiles at strangers in supermarkets. He has people stopping on in the town centre just to look at him, some have told me they are just drawn to him because of his aura. Yo I didn’t know babies had auras, but you learn something new everyday. I love that my son has a positive, bright and happy spirit. How can I be sad? How can have my down days when I look at him I just light up? Everyday without fail, I’m always bussing up because this boy will do something that will have me cackling. I love his personality and it’s amazing see it coming out through.
Listen, motherhood is great. I love it – best thing to happen to me. It’s amazing. I’ve learnt a lot. I’ve changed a lot. I am loving even more than I thought I ever could.
I am back with the blogging too.. Thank you for reading ❤️

This story isn’t for the fainthearted, and I really hope it doesn’t put you off having children because after all the pain and tears I did endure, I received the BEST gift ever. I thank God for seeing me through pregnancy and even labour because I really couldn’t have done it without him or the gas and air as well! I know this is the post you have all been waiting for, so I’ve got to set the scene first and here it is..

On the 1st January 2016 at 5:15pm I welcomed my beautiful baby boy, my bundle of joy, my angel of peace. I have never been so happy and full of joy until now. I have said many times before that during my pregnancy I was happy, happiest I have been. But giving birth and holding this little human, my very own human, in my arms was the best and most indescribable feeling ever.

I was due Christmas Eve and when I found out in the EARLY weeks of pregnancy, I cant lie I prayed against it. I didn’t want him to come then. I wanted him to come new years eve or day – and only on one of those days. I spoke it into existence and it was going to happen, I knew God was going to make sure it happened! Christmas week came and went and little man wasn’t even budging.

After the christmas weekend I had an appointment with the midwives on Monday (40+4) which I thought was going to be the day they did my sweep and if my calculations and body were in sync, he would have come around New Years. They just did a check up and booked my sweep for the Thursday when I would be 41 weeks, that was also New Years Eve, it was at 1:15pm. So you can imagine, I’m trying everything I can to make sure this sweep is successful and he would come within the next 24-36 hours. What is a sweep? It’s a procedure the helps bring on labour without going overdue – the midwife puts a finger down there to feel cervix, jiggle gently but firmly move her finger around. The aim is to separate the membranes of the amniotic sac which was surrounding my little one. So I did my research on this and normally it should start contractions within 24-48 hours. This was my aim.

My midwife told me that my cervix was still hard like the tip of my nose and still hitched up at the back *rolls eyes*it needs to end up being as soft as my lip and paper thin. Even though I had one contraction while she was doing it, ONE contraction. Anyway, enough science now. After the sweep, she booked me in for another sweep and my induction was going to be in a few days. My mum and I looked at each other and told the midwife, we will not be coming back for another sweep because he is coming out by tomorrow

My aim was to not go home straight away and just be lazy and lounge around, I went to woolwich with my mum and waddle around Tesco and searched for fresh pineapples and some raspberry leaf tea, which I’ve heard can bring on labour and help soften the cervix. I then went to the indian restaurant and asked for the spiciest chicken or lamb curry on the menu. If you know me, you should know I HATE spicy food with a passion and I need to make sure that there are enough fluids around me when I eat that stuff LOL.

So we’re going home, I put my phone on charge and played DJ P Montana’s afrobeats mix, shout out to him, because it helped. Those who saw me on SnapChat saw that I was doing the MOST to set pace and make sure this child came in the next 36 hours. So I’m at home literally going through an exercise course, bouncing on the exercise ball and dancing around and walking up and down the stairs. I would bounce on the ball while taking some raspberry leaf tea and backing it like it was juice. I also did the castor oil trick too, it doesn’t work for everyone because it could make things messy. I took a tablespoon of castor oil and mixed it with my pineapple and orange juice, shook it and backed it then went back to drinking raspberry tea. It did give me cramps but proper light ones you get as though you’re about to start your period very soon.

I was doing all this from around 4pm-8pm and I got tired and my body was sore so I thought let me have a hot bath to just relax my body for a bit. So I got in the bath at 8:45pm and came out around 9:30pm; I felt some tightening, lower abdomen cramps and back pains but I ignored it the first time, then it happened again 15 minutes later two more times, then I knew my body was getting ready. It was happening, this is when the contractions begun. I got my mum to help time the contractions on one of the pregnancy apps I was using, we started noting them down from 10pm. They were coming every so often, quite irregular too, it got to 11:30pm and they were frequent so I called the birth centre to see what they would tell me. They told me that they had to be more regular and 10 minutes or less apart. I was having them 10-15 minutes apart and I knew it was going to be a LONG night.

Watching the news seeing a few countries doing the countdown, the fire in Dubai and then waiting on Bryan Adams on BBC for his performance and the countdown into New Year. I’m bouncing on the exercise ball singing along and then losing my breath once the contractions came through. The countdown comes through and I just get all emotional, my mum is excited and wants me to as well but I don’t have it in me. I just cried and cried some more on the exercise ball, not because I am upset – I am just thinking about the whole year and how God has been good to me, like I have seen God do wonders in peoples lives and always trust and believe He will come through for me too. He did, 2015 God was omnipresent and ALWAYS came through for me in every single way possible. He removed fear, hurt, anger and every negative emotion from my spirit and replaced it with genuine happiness, joy, love and just pure positivity. After the tears I just sighed and thanked God for everything he had done in 2015 and I was prepared for double blessings in 2016.

So fast forward a couple hours, it’s 2am and I am tired now and I want to sleep. Mum suggests we call birth centre to see if they can monitor me or something, they say I can go in and see how things are because the contractions are like 7 minutes apart. I get checked out by another midwife and again she sees that my cervix has gone paper thin and is soft BUT I am 1cm dilated just ONE CENTIMETRE after all that discomfort, that’s the size of a cheerio you know, a whole little cheerio. I was irritated. I asked for pain killers and she said I had to go home. Got home at 2:45am and I wanted to sleep but the discomfort and pain wouldn’t let me.

Having my cervix checked for the second time SET PACE, like properly set pace. I couldn’t sleep at all, the contractions were coming so quick & fast and oh very very regular, but because I was 1cm I had to just firm it. This pain was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my life, I tried every position to see if I could find comfort or a position where I would feel less pressure. I would sneak in a nap between contractions but they would last for like 3-5 minutes. I managed to sleep for a bit like an hour or so and I woke up at 8am on New Years morning. I went to pee and there it was, the show – I am not even going to write what this is, you can do your research. I knew that time was near, I called the birth centre and explained to them what had happened and they suggested I come in and get checked out. That is when active labour OFFICIALLY started!

Now we are at the hospital for the second time and the contractions are coming more and more but I had to firm it all. So a next midwife checked me and she said that if I am below 4cm, I have to go home. She tells me I am 2cm now – thats the size of a 2p coin, after ALL the sweat and tears of the pain I had only dilated ONE MORE CENTIMETRE. By this time I was fed up and the midwife could see that, after her checking me I’m getting more contractions and I am thinking to myself, just 8 more centimetres and this kid will be out. She could also see that, little man had spun around and was now back to back with me – and this was the reason for more pain than usual and it was also the reason why labour was going extra slow as well.

The midwife did say that with each contraction it would turn him around slowly, and I should go for a walk around the hospital and come back to the birth centre in 2-4 hours. I just stared at her blankly and gave her a fake smile. So I went to walk with my mum, wouldtake a few steps and the contractions would start again. I told my mum that we should just go home, I wanted to have a hot bath and just be relaxed because I was TOO tired by this time. So we got home around 10:30am now and I run a bath and just relax and the contractions are chilled for now, until I want to try and rest a bit. It was a bad idea but it needed to be done. I go to my bed and the contractions are much worse than before. I’m feeling some type of way at this point, but I’m trine firm it. I get to nap for a bit and then I’m woken up with the feeling of needing to take a dump (LOL sorry) I didn’t need to though but I fully felt like I needed to. Feeling like you need to poo is when you know he’s gully creeping down the birth canal and is nearly ready to appear in the real world. During this I have called one of my friends who is my birthing partner and told her to come to me now because I feel so crap now. I try to lift myself off my bed and I can’t do it, I’m telling my mum to call the ambulance and take my hospital bag out of the car because I can’t walk and they need to come and collect me. I felt so useless, my body was weak beyond belief and I was just crying.

My mum gets up and is like ‘NO! I’m going to get you up and we are going to hospital NOW!’ I get up and I’m just feeling discombobulated for real. I call the birth centre and I’m telling the midwife I’m on my way, she’s like ‘Darling, I’ve been waiting for you, I was wondering where you had gone’ My mum goes to get the car and pull it up at the front so I can just crawl in. Let me add that all the bumps in the road made it more difficult to be relaxed and I was shouting at my mum and telling her to go slow over the humps. I am convinced that she was going 5MPH over the humps, I was so out of it. Got to the hospital and my friend is waiting for me at the entrance, I try so hard to get out the car myself but it is so hard and then GBOSA I get hit with another contraction and I can’t move, my friend is trying to hold me up, people at the entrance are looking at me and run to go get a wheelchair because at this point I can’t walk. There were paramedics near us and they assisted and took me to the birth centre. I’m there feeling somehowwwwwww at this point, I need to poop and the contractions are coming fast. I need something NOW to relieve this pain because I couldn’t deal with the pain. I just wanted gas and air and I wanted it right now!

So I roll up to the birth centre and they see that I can’t walk on my own and they tell me that I can’t have my water birth, at this point I didn’t care what birth I had as long as this child came out of me. After a struggle I got on the examining table and they checked to see how dilated I was.. T H R E EC E N T I M E T R E S, only three damn centimetres dilated, do you know what that means. DO YOU? I don’t think anyone understands my frustration at this point, may some mothers may actually understand. I’ve got 7cm to go and I want to just be done with this now, I’m tired and I don’t want to even cause distress to this little one.

So they take me to a side room and keep me there and they give me gas and air. Gas and air is actually the best, I felt like I was on cloud 9 with that stuff. I was all hot and bothered but I zoned out and was just feeling nothing at all, it literally took away all the pain I was feeling. When I did stop taking it, the pain would kick right in. I was talking the MOST jazz to my girls and when they reminded me of what I said it is something I had to laugh about. So the main midwife who was going to deliver my baby came in and wanted to check me to see how the progress, she could see that the baby had done a poop inside me – at this point CJ is distressed now and they need to take me to the delivery suite because I cant give birth in the birth centre at all now – there goes my birth centre dream :(. So back in the wheelchair and rolling to the labour ward and they take me into one room and the midwives don’t know how to operate the bed to bring it down and they say its faulty so I had to get to another room. LONG LONG LONG!

I think this is around 5pm now and I’m screaming that I need to poop and everyone is like just take gas and air, I am saying I can feel him coming more now and they are trying to get me into the correct room. We get to the room I am going to be giving birth in and I just scream for the gas and air, and my mum is trying to take it out of my hand saying it’s not good and the strength I had to hold on to that but I had no strength for anything else. The midwife wants to stick something up me to monitor the baby and as she’s checking she sees that he’s there ready to come out.

I went from 3cm – 10cm real quick, that’s a banana slice to the size of a bagel SO quickly and I was ready to push him out. I felt my waters break just as I was about to push him out and then the midwife spread my legs apart and said “when you’re ready, push” I thought this would be the most painful part of labour but it was SO easy for me. I took gas and air and pushed once and his head was crowning, I could then feel the ring of fire and all you can hear is me saying ‘It’s burning, I feel something burning’ the midwife looks at me and shouts to stop and don’t push I try to firm it and just take gas and air, I wanted him out and I thought it would be like 5 more pushes and he comes out. I push the second time and he’s out! That was it. I went from 3cm-10cm in a matter of minutes and during that time, I believe CJ spun around as well, 2 pushes and he was out. The loudest cry came from him and they placed him on my chest and I just cried and I’m sobbing then I say ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’ and looking at him and then I said ‘what took you so long?’ He was in my arms finally after 288 days of being locked away, served those eviction papers and he decided when he was ready he would leave.

Labour is more pain and hard work during the contractions, the delivery part of it was very easy for me personally. I did lose a lot of blood, sweat and tears that day but after ALL of it all, I can say I would definitely do that again in the future, gimme 5 years though!

There you have it, my labour story… I hope this doesn’t put you off LOL. Thank you for reading..

This is actually going to be a short explanation on why I decided to call myself ‘Muva’ not only because I’m about to be a mother but because each letter of the word means something and relates to what I’ve been through and how I want to carry myself from now on. This is a new journey in my life which I am very very excited about and I choose to carry myself now after experiencing quite a bit over the years.

M – Mirembe – This means Peace in my language. Right now, this is all I’m about. Peace perfect peace. I don’t want anything disrupting my peace. I don’t want anything that sends me off the edge or even brings any sort of anxiety my way. I’m not here for it. After suffering with depression and anxiety for so long, I have longed for two things, happiness and peace and I have got them now so it just makes sense. Beginning of my pregnancy, my godmother prayed for me and since the beginning I have just been feeling less anxiety and more peace. Another thing is I haven’t even gone to the dark place and had any negative thoughts during pregnancy, and I thank God for that. I have said before that if my godmother didn’t pray for me when she did, I don’t think I would be pregnant right now and that is the God honest truth. So we thank God for peace!

U – Uplifter – I try my very best to put myself first and always try and encourage myself first before I can uplift, empower and support others. There are times when things aren’t going well with me and that is okay; it’s okay not to be okay. There are times when I think I can’t be this happy but I can, positivity breeds happiness and I live by that saying; tattoo and all! Things can be going great and despite it all a few hiccups may have you feeling anxious but I know myself, I eventually get over it. I try not to get disheartened over short term feelings. Time and time again, I’ve been told that I inspire some and I am always encouraging and motivating – so I’m not trying to let that quality go! I aspire to inspire, motivate and encourage. I love it and it feels me with much joy when I have helped someone even if it was doing the smallest thing.

V – Victorious – I say this because I was able to overcome whatever demons, trials and tribulations that came my way. I am able to conquer any negative thoughts, feelings and ideas. I am able accept that things may not be straight forward and easy, but no matter what I can always do things through Christ who gives me strength. God has honestly seen me through all the difficulties I’ve faced in life, he keeps me going. Being victorious is to be a winner – I’ve won, I beat depression and we all know realistically that it may never completely disappear, but I have overcome the darkest part of my life and I have figured out how to control them and not let them take over my life.

A – Attentive – This is one thing I’ve learnt over the years and especially through my journey of pregnancy. I’m always aware and watchful of energy around me, and this is something I need to be careful of people I bring around my little one. I like to pay attention to people and how they behave, you could call me over analytical – but sometimes its needed. If I’m not feeling your vibe, I’m afraid I won’t be keeping you around; and I feel no way at all, because I’ve done it during pregnancy and I can and I will continue to do so after. To be attentive is to care and I show that in a lot of ways, sometimes I think I am too caring but that’s how I am naturally and even when I want to empty out my cup of care, it always gets refilled. But that’s one thing I love about myself. I love it a lot.

These are all qualities I choose to have as a person and as a mother now, because I feel much better when I just focus on the positive qualities instead of focusing on my flaws and imperfections. It doesn’t make sense to focus on my weakness when I can just continuously improve my strengths.

Hello hi; I’ve been meaning to do this blog post for a bit but I’ve just been tired and sorting last minute things out. When people do ask me how I’m feeling. The picture below actually describes it very well.

So first of all I would like to thank God because, he’s kept me safe and protected me and my little bundle of joy. 37 weeks is a very long time, it did fly by I can’t lie – but now I’m at the stage where everything is just going super slow right now.

From when I found out I was giving birth Christmas Eve, I told myself I’ll try make sure I do anything to make him come late, so around New Year’s Eve or Day. NOW, I want him to come out now, I’ve served the eviction papers and I’m hoping he’s ready to touch road to be fair LOL. The past few days I’ve been active like never before now, as heavy as I am too. I’ve walked for more than an hour, I’ve eaten spicy food by accident but this little boy is chilling. I have been doing countdown; but I am secretly waiting on Gods timing too. I’m just hoping God can see my heart and know it’s time!

Baby updates: He is doing well. I had my last scan at 35 weeks and he’s doing well – was 6lbs and 8oz – the doc said that’s a big baby. My fortnightly check ups with the midwife are going well; the usual checks are on point and there’s no difficulties with health too.

Updates with myself: I am tired, and that’s all I can say. I have been trying to sort out everything with the baby clothes and my room, but I just get sleepy after a while. Before I couldn’t even stand up and be active for 45 minutes, but now after 20 minutes I’m ready for a long nap. Fatigue is back, but it’s not as bad as my first trimester so we all good. Apart from the pain in my pelvic area because of an injury 2 years ago – the pain is a lot; getting out of the car, tossing and turning in bed, getting out of bed, sitting/standing/walking for too long – everything is painful.

I’ve got a few last minute things to do but they’re all to be done at home so no more going out unless necessary to be honest. This child of mine has taken over my body. this has been the only time in my life where I’ve had to share by force. Food and sleep, the two things that I value the most 😂

I think the next blog post will be labour, whenever that will be 🙄 so stay tuned for that.

I’m nearly at the end of the road now. I enjoyed every single moment of my baby shower. I appreciated everyone that came to celebrate this pregnancy with me. It was emotional, filled with happiness and love. I loved it because it was very intimate, just how I liked. Every person that I invited meant A LOT to me and I appreciate you all sticking around despite my wild hormones.

I can honestly say that it wasn’t until that day when everyone did their words of encouragement that I realised I had touched so many lives and that means a lot to me more than anything itself. There was one message I got and it touched my heart.

Not a lot of people knew deep down what I had been going through because when others are in need I try my best to forget my problems and always help others the best way I can. I have always had that in me and for others to realise that and even let me know that it means a lot to me.
This is a big thank you and a short and sweet blog post really to let those that attended I love you and you will always have a space in my life and CJs life (if you stick around for that half of the journey)
I’m ready for motherhood and I couldn’t be more excited to meet my bundle of joy. I love him so much already even when his foot is kicking my ribs or whenever he moon walks on my bladder. And I have so much love to give that he will probably be sick of me eventually 😭

So what do you do when you plan something and then everything suddenly changes…

27 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant and I was shocked beyond belief – it was unexpected and unplanned, my life was going to change and has changed so much ever since. I’m happier and I feel like I have a new purpose because I’m going to be having my own little human to look after and care for. After all the shock and fear had subsided I was calm and ready for this new journey I was about to embark on.

14 weeks later I go for the anomaly scan where they would be able to tell me the gender – I was excited because I already knew from like week 6 that I was having a girl and I had connected with a girl. She checked me out and my little one was growing and very active as usual, they did mention something was off and that it could be a problem when it came to labour and I may be induced early. So I got booked in for an extra scan. When they were about to tell me what I was having I was so excited, but I had to pee a few times so it was easy for them to see what I was having, because my bladder was full. She then confirmed that she was 99% sureI was having a girl and described everything to me. I was over the moon that I was right, I was so excited that I was going to have a little girl. Someone that I could teach things that I wish I got taught when I was younger.

3 months later, I’ve gone for the extra scanthat they have booked for me, to see if things were okay with me because the midwife doing the ultrasound found something and wanted to make sure that it didn’t affect me otherwise I would be having a C-Section and not a normal vaginal birth.I asked them to double check for me because they said 99% last time I want it to be 100% that I’m having a girl, the young lady doing the scan told me “I’ll check for you, that’s no problem. We never tell patients 100% it’s always 99% or we’re not sure”

She was in the room with 2 other nurses and they were writing notes on me to see that I was okay, the size of the baby, the growth and everything else they check. So when she was double checking to let me know I was having a girl. Then she asks me when I found out the gender, I told her 12 weeks ago and they said 99% sure it was a girl. Then she turned to me and said, “no, no you’re having a boy”

I told her to double check again, and then she asked the other nurses and they all confirmed that it was a boy and you could see his little peen and it wasn’t the umbilical cord. I am actually having a boy.

What do you do? What do you actually do? You find out one thing, then you find out something different down the line?

I just laid there and cried, I cried not because I was angry. I cried because I was shocked – there’s only so many shocks I can take during this pregnancy. I cried because I had connected and bonded with a girl to only find out I’m having a boy. I had a panic attack, I had no words but “omg, it’s a boy”I laid there for 20 minutes crying and I had to see a midwife after to make sure I was okay as I was in a total state of shock. A whole 8 weeks before my due date, I find out I am having a boy!

They tried their best to calm me down, telling me that my baby boy is growing very well and everything is brilliant and he’s basically a text book baby with the rate he is growing. Everything is going well with the pregnancy though – still in a state of shock as I write this.

I came home to see the girls clothes that I need to exchange and just cried some more. I still can’t believe it. I am excited, shocked, scared. I am excited to raise a beautiful little human regardless.

BUT next pregnancy, I want it to be a surprise – I am not finding out. I refuse to.