• Sasha the magical iPhone's alarm goes off in the form of an old car horn (my roommates LOVE me!): [AROOOOOGA. AROOOOOGA. AROOOOGA.]

• Me: [reach over, grab Sasha, resist throwing her across the room, and set 5 more minutes on the alarm.]

• Sasha's alarm goes off in the form of an old car horn 5 minutes later: [AROOOOOGA. AROOOOOGA. AROOOOGA.]

• I curse the world, sit up, put in my contacts, feed Sev the fish, and stagger to the kitchen. Then I turn on the coffee pot and stand bleary-eyed waiting for it to make. Slash fall asleep at the kitchen table until I hear the three most glorious sounds known to man: beep! beep! beep!

-THE COFFEE IS DONE I REPEAT THE COFFEE IS DONE-

• Then I pour myself a laaarge cup, add an ice cube, take a few sips, and turn into a human being. YAY.

All I'm sayin', y'all, is that if whoever first realized that coffee was a thing and mass-marketed it walked through my door, I'd marry him or her on the spot.

I just hope whoever it is is okay with me also marrying Sasha's white noise app. Cause otherwise things could get AWKWARD.