Since my delve into the terrible world of online dating, I’ve seen more pictures of dicks than any male of my sexual orientation should ever have to. I’ve personally never understood why this phenomenon has caught on, because it takes the idea of mating and reduces it to its lowest form, like a lion who sits in a mound of shit with its ass in the air. It cuts out all of the foreplay involved in getting to know someone and immediately wants to get down to business. It reduces us to our most primal form. It’s a common fact that humans are one of the very few species on earth who have sex purely for enjoyment, which alone makes us both unique and stupid.

"But my girlfriend wants to see it!" Yeah, okay.

Now, before you read ahead, please be aware that this article is nasty. It’s a little different to my last two because I’m using the people who’ve messaged me as examples rather than messing with them directly. There’s talk of anal sex, childhood traumas, putting foreign objects in your ass, and Elvis. If this isn’t your thing, there’s some other things on this site that will take your fancy, but for now I’m dealing with important issues. So, read on if you're down for the ride into the peculiar world of perversion.

Now, we can’t mention fucked up perversions without mentioning the soon to be released Fifty Shades of Grey movie. We all know this film will be horse shit but we’ll all see it eventually regardless. This is a film about a virgin who hooks up with a 27 year old guy who wears a suit to work. He also has a rocking body, shags more than Keith Richards and likes to beat the shit out of women. Hell, sounds like me, right? Well, not quite. I don’t wear a suit to work.

Regardless, it’s okay for such a psychologically flawed and obviously quite troubled character to exist because he’s hot and fictional. But what about people in real life who don’t have this guy’s chiselled face and unrealistically large bank account, but still have some bizarre sexual perversions which they’re compelled to act out? Well, luckily, I’ve found quite a few of those types over at good old Plenty of Fish.

#4 - The Foot Fetish

When POF user manomanomansent an attachment in his first message, I naturally assumed it was a good old fashioned dick. I expected the worst, but luckily I was treated to a different body part which is often considered arousing; the humble foot. Putting my confusion aside, I sat and wondered what this person’s motive was. Did he have the world’s shittest phone? Had I pulled the Elephant Man? Was this some new viral trend which I’d missed, again?

No, apparently not. You see, the foot fetish is a incredibly common desire in both gay and straight communities, and by today’s standards is often considered a ‘normal’ fetish. This notion is further reinforced by the amount of celebrities who are open about their love of feet, such as disease-ridden drum machine Tommy Lee, burlesque goddess Dita Von Teese, a guy named Elvis, and someone whose bizarre antics we touched on in our last podcast; Quentin Tarantino.

This particular fetish, to me at least, doesn't seem too bizarre because it’s the attraction to a body part as opposed to an act, is therefore not dissimilar to attraction towards chests, vaginas or cocks. But these are predominantly sexual organs, whereas the feet aren't. So where does this come from? There are a shitload of differenttheories as to why this, but the majority of them have a few things in common. The most plausible theory being that a foot fetish is the subconscious fear of STDs. In short, the sole (ha) reason that our brains believe that feet are sexy is to protect us during a time when disease is prevalent. What this means is that when Jules and Vincent are discussing whether eating a bitch out and giving her a foot massage is in the same fuckin’ league, this was really Tarantino’s way of confronting his fear of AIDS.

Ice Bucket Challenge, you guys!

#3 - Voyeurism

This one is a pretty open and shut case. You can pretty much work out the benefit of this one without having to delve too far into the perverted subconscious. But whatever, let’s do it anyway.

I've received a handful of messages from people asking if I’d be interested in performing while they simply sit around and watch. First of all, you wouldn't ask this of Sting. You wouldn't even ask it of Big Tone, the cross dressing clown who works at IKEA on Saturdays for a little extra cash. In exchange for a service, I require some form of incentive to perform said service. I saw Penn & Teller a few weeks ago, and I'm pretty sure they don’t do it just because they love juggling with broken bottles.

From my experience, voyeurism goes hand in hand with being unfaithful to your spouse. A quick Google search of voyeurism and cheating brings up the obvious question of ‘is voyeurism cheating?’, the likes of which only Woman Savers and Yahoo Answers are qualified to answer. But I think we can solve this one. The way I think of it is; I have never been to the theatre in my life. I hear all these people go on about how good the theatre is and ‘oh, you SO need to see this play at the theatre’ but to me, the idea of going to theatre to see something which can be told via film without losing any artistic merit is bullshit. There ARE some things which live performances can enhance, and these things are: wrestling, magic shows, and that’s it. Also, I can pause something on TV, I can’t pause a play.

I'll be honest, no amount of Sky+ could make this shit make sense.

But recently, my all round hero Clive Barker announced that one of his stories is going to be adapted into a play, and I immediately thought fuck, I need to see this. Then I thought, is it only because I love the source material so much that I’d see it translated into any form, even a fucking play? Yes. That’s exactly it. And this, in turn, translates to shagging. When visualised porn doesn't become enough, we need to see the live version. But we still maintain the ideology that we are just watching, not associating ourselves, which distances us from any type of involvement. There are other theories regarding the origins of voyeurism, but this one appears the most plausible as we enter 2015.

#2 - Being Submissive

A few years ago I used to frequent at a rock club in my local city. It wasn’t a massive place and it was kind of back-door, you’d often see the same people there every week. It was a common place to see such sights as goth women in knee-high boots carrying men around on leashes. This clichéd image of the gothic community became so well-accepted that no one really gave a second thought to why either party would be okay with this. We just sort of went ‘okay then’.

If she were a dog, she’d be a Dorian Greyhound.

One particular week when I was at this rock club, I ran into an old friend of mine who I hadn't seen for about two years. After some initial small talk, he said these exact words to me: ‘you’ll never guess what I've got up my ass’. Having anything up your ass is immediate cause for concern, but the wording of his sentence suggested it was something which wasn't usually reserved for putting between your arse-lips. Luckily, it was only a butt plug. Turns out he was wearing it as per his girlfriend’s instructions because he hadn't ‘behaved’. This is obviously really fucking weird already, and it’s only going to get weirder. My friend had entered into a master/slave relationship with this new partner, in which he clearly took on the role as a slave. His punishments involved (but were not limited to): having to put things in his anus, being fucked in his anus by an object of his partner’s choosing, cleaning her clothes with his tongue, and being forced to listen to his new girlfriend sleep with other men. When I asked why he doesn't just dump the weird bitch, he responded ‘because I love it’.

Luckily, I knew my friend’s childhood quite well, and this made perfect sense from a psychological perspective. He had an unhappy childhood with no clear father figure. He’d had several traumatic experiences which involved having to submit to women’s urges, and had formed an unhealthy attachment to one particular woman in his life. All things which contribute to the psychological make-up of a submissive male.

As our previously mentioned Fifty Shades of Grey would have us believe, every woman on earth has a secret desire to be dominated. This is of course untrue. Only 57% of women want it. Which leads us nicely into...

#1 - Anal Sex

This is going to get nasty very quickly. You have been warned. I'm not even sure if our viewing demographic wants to know about this type of shit, hell I'm not even sure if anyone wants to know about it. But I'm going to venture there anyway, because if there’s one thing Foul Entertainment is it’s progressive. It should also be noted that I'm writing this with clenched toes, because the thought of putting anything up anyone’s back passage repulses me to the point of making my balls retract up into themselves.

Anal sex, then, is mostly associated with gay men, which is fair enough. But I'm looking into why straight people do it too. Surveys tell us that in recent years, one third of sexually active women have tried it, and this figure is an increase from 20 years ago. Worrying, some might say. After some research which has made me really need to shower, we can deduce that anal sex for a man is an act of dominance. For such an activity to occur, a woman is basically reducing her body to a sexual object, eliminating any possible biological consequence. Anal sex, then, is a purely physical act. Sex at its most raw.

So then, MatchstickEyes, you want to dominate, huh? Well, on second thoughts, maybe not. Further research on the desire to invade the Gary Glitter suggests intimacy issues.

Sorry, dude. You’re not the man for me.

Until next week, guys!

By Joe TurnerJoe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment and the author and deviser of Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Foul Fiction. He's also responsible for the bulk of the artistic design in our upcoming gaming department.