Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Brown Bomber

Did she just poo in the bank?

I had to go to the bank this morning to make a deposit. My kids were very happy about this as they love the fact that they give out free lollipops. So I went, drove all the way back home to get the check which I'd forgotten to take with me the first time and then drove back to the bank to deposit it. Whilst there I had one of those moments parents have when they think that other people are judging them and that I couldn't just fob it off. This is because I thought my daughter did a poo on the floor.

Normally I couldn't give a toss if people are judging me. Not important to me. And as long as my kids are being responsible and not doing anything outlandish, feel free to judge away. Because most people like to try and elevate themselves the easy way - by knocking other people down. People will make snap judgment no matter how silly they are. I recall walking past some people with my wife and baby daughter when she was about 7 months old. My wife had strapped my daughter onto her chest with a wrap so that she was facing outwards and could see where she was going. Around them both she had a coat on so all you could see was my daughter's face. A woman walking past became shocked and indignant at the sight of this and commented to her friend that my wife was strangling her child. So in a split second my wife had gone from being a beautiful woman with a small baby to committing infanticide.

But what I thought I witnessed is worse than that. I was stood in the middle of the bank and was waiting for my turn with a teller. The whole bank is open plan and quite spacious. I was holding my son and my daughter had made a spectacle of going over the table with the lollipops on it to pick out which ones she wanted. My daughter has decided today to doll herself up in a dress and tights and had a very bright flowery rain coat on as well. Ergo everyone in the bank took a second to have a look at the pretty giggling girl trying to reach the basket. Which she did and then placed it on the floor. She then squatted down to rake her way through the four different flavors on offer and pick out one for her and her brother. At which point three small brown turd-shapes fell out from between her legs and clunked off the floor.

So everyone in the bank thinks they've seen my daughter take a shit on the rug. And with absolute nonchalance too - she didn't break pace at all and kept rustling through the basket to look for a blue lollipop. Now I immediately knew this was insane. My daughter isn't the type to squeeze out beige bon bons all over the place like this. Yours might be, but mine isn't. But then the other people at the bank don't know that. They assumed that the strikingly beautiful family that is still somehow an example to the human race despite the amount of sniffling and crusted snot on display were just ordinary folk. They certainly didn't expect them to saunter in there and crap all over the floor.

Also I instantly knew two things didn't make sense. First off my daughter was and is wearing tights. Big thick white cotton ones. The idea that three turds forced their way through them like brown daggers through cheesecloth is ridiculous. I suppose it is possible that they were just incredibly pointy and broke through. Or that she'd hitched her tights down a little to squat them out. And by possible, I mean that as in anything is possible. Also possible would be for an escaped mentally-ill fake doctor to have come bursting into the bank with a suitcase filled with rectal thermometers and a gun demanding that we all do this the easy way or it will be done the hard way. It's very slightly possible, but still possible.

Secondly the, "turds" hit the ground and made a very loud chinking noise like marbles bouncing off each other. I cannot have been the only person to follow an ill-fated logic and thought firstly, "I think that girl has just shit on the floor...." followed quickly by, "..and judging by the sound they made when they landed I think the turds must be frozen." The temperature outside is just above freezing. So the idea behind a frozen poo probably didn't seem impossible even if it was patently unlikely.

At this point I employed my best secret weapon around Americans - a posh English voice. No matter what the situation or event if I chuck that at an American my perceived IQ goes up by 150 points. So I called my daughter by name and asked if she was okay. To which she - still grinning and joyous (due to the proximity to lollipops) - looked up and said, "oh, I forgot." Fleeting in my mind I heard my inner-voice say, "forgot what - not to shit yourself?" Then I heard my actual voice ask, "what did you just drop darling?"

Now with everybody looking on my daughter put the two lollipops in her pocket. Then she grabbed two of the turds and had to chase the other one under the table the lollipop basket was on. Then my daughter playfully asked, "Daddy who dropped these rocks in here!? Can I have them for my rock collection?" So I asked for her to repeat out loud once again that they were in fact rocks so that anyone left in the room who had yawned and not heard the, "it's okay - it's not shit" line a second before had a chance to hear it this time. She then said that yes they are rocks and she'd found them outside. Which is stealing their landscaping but is a damn site better than having my little one pebble-dashing the bank with bottom conkers.

Close call. Of course it still begged the question as to why she was holding the rocks up her skirt between her legs.