Monday, October 12, 2015

And You Let It Go

Hey.

Remember me?

Ya, I was totally avoiding you guys. I know that isn’t very kosher considering all we’ve been through over the years, but I didn’t know what to say. Or rather, I knew what I wanted to say but I also knew it wasn’t healthy.

If any of you follow Adrian, which I think you all do, you might remember a few months back when she publicly said in a Western Horseman interview that she is both a rape and domestic violence survivor.

Her bravery constantly inspires and blows me away.

But now that she has decided to share her story and be open about that part of her life, now I can be too.

For years I’ve been talking about trying to maintain a positive outlook in life despite the hardships you may face, and I think most people thought I was referring to struggling with chronic Lyme disease. Nah. Lyme’s a walk in the park compared to what my sister went through.

Watching someone you love try to piece their life back together after having been brutally assaulted has to be one of the most powerless, heart wrenching, and soul sucking experiences you can go through without experiencing physical trauma yourself.

You can’t fucking fix it. There’s really nothing you can do except ask yourself over and over again how this happened to her and you didn’t know. How could you not know? How?

And then guilt surrounds you like a thick blanket and you drown in it. And maybe a little gin. Or a lot of gin.

And you watch her struggle and put on a beautiful smile for everyone else and every time someone says something insensitive or makes a rape joke you watch her flinch and internalize it all and you want to wrap her in bubble wrap and fix everything…...but you can’t.

You’re helpless to change the past or the present and you have to watch her learn to navigate her own path to healing.

So you do that, and the thing is through all the ugliness and pain, she emerges strong and beautiful and even more inspiring than before.

I avoided you and Buckaroo Barbie while I was having a fall apart because I would have just spewed a whole bunch of hateful words that would not have been edifying to anyone, and it wasn’t my story to tell.

But.

That being said, I’ve come a long way in the last year towards letting go of some of my bitterness and guilt. And I’ve watched Adrian bravely encourage and uplift and help people by speaking out, so once again I am following her example.

I missed you. We missed you.

Thanks for reading Buckaroo Barbie.

And if there’s any brothers, sisters, or friends of abuse victims that are struggling because of what happened to their loved ones…...I feel ya, dog. And my email is open any time.