The Things I Wish I Could Say But Can’t

I love you, and I’m sorry for putting you through this. I’ll see you around, feel free to message me anytime. Goodnight.

I change my mind. I don’t wanna lose you. Forget what I said, let’s continue what we have. I was stupid to end things with you. I keep saying it’s what’s best for both of us. Is it really? I need to shut up. I love you.

5:44 AM

Good morning! Take care today. I finished the playlist, and I’m sorry for putting you through all this. Can I just say, can we not end this? Losing you is losing a big part of my life right now. I want you to be happy, but I love you, okay? I don’t want what we have to go away.

Good morning! I love you too. Losing you is losing a big part of my life too. You’re right, let’s not push through with this. I need you. I want you. I can’t lose you, too. Forget what I said last night, delete the Spotify playlist I made for you, let’s continue what we have. I regret ending things with you so abruptly, let’s make this work. You want me to be happy? I’m only happy when I’m with you.

6:12 AM

I won’t make it hard for you anymore. I’ll definitely miss what we have. You rest well. Feel free to message me anytime.

I listened to your playlist again. I miss you already. I’m gonna make you a playlist, too. I’m not forcing you to change your decision because you’re right. I believe in you and if you think this is what’s best for us right now, I’ll stand by you.

I also miss you. A lot. Please force me to change things. I don’t understand why I did this, I don’t want us to end. I’ve been crying since 11:30 PM last night, I haven’t slept. This isn’t what I want. This isn’t good for us. I need you in my life.

10:26 PM

Here’s a playlist to sum up everything I felt and I feel for you. I miss you.

I miss you. F*ck the playlist. I want you back. I want to hold your hand, hug you, kiss you, lean on you — I want what we had back. I need to stop telling myself this is what’s best for us. I don’t want space, I don’t want us to end, I want all of you with me. It hasn’t been 24 hours yet I already feel so empty, so lost, so dull without you.

10:41 PM

You won’t be just another person I lost. You’re more than that. You don’t have to check up on me once in a while, but I’d really appreciate it if you do that. I love you, goodnight.

Is this really happening? No, don’t leave me. Let’s go back to our nightly calls. Seeing you smile during our calls really completes my day. I don’t want to lose you. And I don’t want this to happen. I need to stop telling myself that this is what’s best. I’m lying to myself. Don’t leave, forget my messages last night. Please.

11:40 PM

I finished listening to your playlist. I love you so much. I want you back. I don’t want you to go. Please, forget what happened last night. I don’t wanna leave you, I don’t want to go on without you. I want you so bad. I want it to be the two of us against the world, no matter what the situation is. I want us to rewrite the stars, make our own story, continue the chapter we’re writing. Let’s not let it end, please.

But then, maybe this really is what’s best for us right now. Maybe it’s just not the right time.

Thank you so much for everything. No joke, my time with you was the best. The moments we had were, without a doubt, the happiest moments in my life. My friends said I’ve never been happier. They said you made me a better person. I’ve never smiled so much in my life. You fixed me, and yet what we have isn’t right. It’s not the right time. I don’t deserve you. I have no idea where I’m going. Our relationship wasn’t toxic, but the situation we were in was. What we had was the complete opposite of toxic. But where we were, the situation, the things going on around us — they made our timing sh*t. You taught me how to love again. Maybe in the future, we’ll find each other again. Maybe then, the timing will be right. Maybe then, what we have won’t be wrong anymore. Maybe then, everything will go right for us.

Promise me you’ll still message me once in a while to check up on me, because I know I will. Promise me you’ll still smile every day, that you won’t let me plague your thoughts and feelings. I don’t want you to be sad when you think of me. I want you to remember the good times we had, the moments we shared, all the I love you’s, good morning and night messages, the hugs, the calls, the songs we shared with each other, and the happiness we felt when we were together. I don’t regret anything we had despite the situation we were in.

I promise you this situation is temporary. If we can’t be together in the future, I assure you we’d become great friends. We’d laugh about this and drink over it. There may have been something between us, but under it all, you were my best friend. I’ll bring that back someday. I’ll find my way back to you when the time comes. You deserve everything life has to offer. You deserve to love someone under the right circumstances. I love you and thank you.