I am sitting on a bench by the river, looking at the gradual darkening clouds which are hovering over me. I watch people pass me by, all at different paces. Recently there has been so much unrest in the world.

An deadly earthquake followed by radiation threats in Japan, the unrest in Libya, the protest in London, nuclear threats here and there, and the list follows. Should I be glad that I am living in a city where most disasters barely touch us, where there isn’t any real politics to speak of, where the billionaires and millionaires are flooding in, where there isn’t any external threats… Whenever I watch the news and see all the troubles other places are facing, I know I should feel much fortunate.

But why do I feel a constant weight on my shoulders? I laugh but not really truly laughing. I keep this cool nonchalant front while thousands of woes and thoughts are swarming within my head. The stress of meeting expectations ,especially my own, are so overwhelming sometimes that I just need to find a corner where no one can see me and cry.

Some friends do not understand why I am driving myself so hard. They say easily, ” You are still young, you have plenty of time. Take things easy.”

However what they don’t know is that I can’t really take things easy for one very simple reason.

I never felt that I am ordinary and I don’t want to be ordinary.

And if that it is so, I cannot simply take the same measures as what a person would usually take. If you make average options, you end up being an average person, isn’t it so?

During this trying period of my life, I reminded myself constantly to continue pushing on despite lack of support from people around me. It may be difficult but I believe that success do not come easily. Perseverance will allow one to see the fruits one day.

So if you are also struggling today, please continue to hang on there. The butterfly always need to give a good fight to emerge from the cocoon.

Okay hopefully this post helps those who are currently applying to Procter & Gamble or those intending to do so in the future. I will basically sum up the whole job application process from both my experience and others’ that I have read.

I went for the reasoning test in P&G’s building today. There were three different test slots and about 20 people in each. From my research, there are about 2000 applicants for each role and they eliminate the number down to 150-200 after the online reasoning test. Later on, there might be a phone interview before a face-to-face interview and then a final interview if one ever made it that far.

I haven’t been so nervous for the longest time.

I guess it’s because it’s been ages since I sat for a test. In college, I was graded by the different projects I did. The test was 65 minutes long with 40 questions consisting of mathematical problems, verbal reasoning, and some pattern reasoning. The questions are pretty similar to GMAT although I think the mathematical problems are easier and more straight forward. However I was panicking at the last 10 minutes as I have a couple more questions left and my brain was frozen momentarily. I ended up guessing the last two mathematical problems as there were too much information and my frozen brain wasn’t helping.

The lady told us that if we didn’t hear from them in two weeks meant good news…ha.. which would lead to the next round of interview. And the whole process will take another two months.

I am not sure what is the cut off point to make it to the next round of the interview. If it is really 60% as what I’ve read, then I’ll definitely be able to make it. Meanwhile I am gonna try out for Loreal, my number two option.

Where shall I start?

Sometimes I wish that there’s a technology that can capture particular thoughts which one cannot record in time.

I am currently sitting at Starbucks, feeling an urge to go to the toilet yet do not feel like leaving my seat just yet.

Mmm..How shall I sum up the lengthy amount of things that had happened…

And so I successful set up an art gallery within three months, left the job, went to Bangkok twice in January looking into the possibility of taking over my mother’s business and also setting up a cafe. Currently encouraged by my boyfriend, I am also trying to start my label ( the one that I stopped halfway in 2010) while looking for a job in the corporate world for experience.

I know as a fresh grad without much experience, one cannot be choosy or too selective. However I cannot help but feel less excited about applying to certain companies “just for the sake of it”. I was feeling down and really stressed about my situation. I did try a number of things to make me feel better such as meeting people, organising networking events, going to entrepreneur talks, however the fact that time is passing rapidly each day and my bank account shrinking with it does not help.

The last entry I was blogging about that being stuck in the bottomless pit is good in a way as one cannot get any lower in it. And yes indeed I have some good news to share.

It is barely anything to celebrate yet but it is kinda like a spark that lights in my “bottomless pit” and therefore its presence overwhelms greatly in the darkness.

I applied to Procter & Gamble several weeks ago. This will be really be considered as the “DREAM JOB” and also “THE COMPANY” that I want to work for. I took the personality test online and went through to the reasoning test. And then an email told me that they would inform me if I made it to the next round of application. A week passed and then another. I was kinda disappointed although I didn’t really tell anyone. Of course the first reason is that ” oh no I’ve missed my chance” and then the next ” Maybe I am not as smart as I thought to pass the reasoning test”.

Well it’s been a month since the last test I took and guess what?

I received an email yesterday that informed me to go down to the office for the next round of test! 🙂

Well, let’s see how things go. Life being so unpredictable and hope comes when one least expects.

Meanwhile I am going to continue to meet up friends, mentors and contacts, it gets tiring but I will keep on going finding clovers 🙂

One of my favourite P&G ads Emotional Marketing) so good that I teared..

The time when you know that things are definitely going to change for the better is when you are right at the pit bottom where things can’t get any worse. However the next fear would be that- what if nothing changes and one just get stuck in this bottomless pit for a really long time?

The funny thing is that everytime when I land into one of these so called “bottomless pits”, I always came out no matter how I felt it was never going to end; the irony is that everytime I just feel equally helpless or demoralised. The situation never stays the same, it will come to an end and turn for the better..just that no one knows the time frame.

I am currently in this stage of my life where I felt so helpless, vulnerable and demoralised from time to time, and I would just cry in frustration when things don’t go the way I anticipated. I would then look back at all the other times when I thought I wouldn’t be able to go on and it gave me strength to know that I am a lot stronger than I think I am.

A year before this, I would never expect to be going through or have gone through all these events that I am now. Nor have I foresee myself to be in my current situation. Have I become a little wiser or smarter? Maybe. But I do know that I can definitely cope with setbacks.

It gets frustrating at times. Especially when you face one after another too often too soon. But I guess that is also the fastest way to learn and also grow. However I feel exhausted sometimes. I am still young and should not be feeling this way. Is it because of all the things that happened to me throughout my whole life that made me feel so old? Or is it just a growing process to feel this kind of exhaustion, fear and perplexity.

What do I love? What do I love enough to do it day and night? What do I love enough to do it for years or maybe the rest of my life?

A friend once told me, the way to know if something fits you is to try it. Remember going shopping with a mate and then she points out a shirt and says, “Hey, try this! I think this will look good on you”.

And you slowly declined, ” No this will make me look fat or pale or.. some other not too positive things.”

How do you know?

It is because you’ve tried it before and therefore you know.

The point she was trying to make to me was the same as finding a career in life. Some jobs may seem interesting to one but one will only know if it is true to one till he/she tries it.

As ambitious I may get, I feel an urge to drop everything and travel to somewhere far from home. Live life simply just a year. To understand myself without the influence of others. I’ve always been having this crazy urge for the last few years, maybe one day it will really manifest. At least for now, I am too realistic to do so.

I am looking into volunteering, perhaps it will be a good opportunity to hone my skills and find something I am really passionate about while doing a good cause.

I just need to make things happen.

It’s always the littlest things that people forget.

But it’s always the littlest things that count.

My day started off slightly gloomly, affected by my colleague’s melancholy. The gloominess of the invisible sky above the crown of my head seemed to just aggravate as the day goes along, together with the “aura” emitted from her. I somewhat believe in positive/negative energy.

Anyway it had been a rather fruitful day of christmas gift shopping and catching up with dear people to me. This incident somehow revealed to me how blessed I am. I received facebook messages from friends I just met not too long ago, expressing their concern,regret and then support. It really touched my heart as they were so sweet and genuine although we did not have too many encounters with each other.

I am fortunate to have people around me who always believe in me and sees potential or capabilities when I could not see. It matters so much because it gives me an extra boost while I am struggling to live up to my own expectations to myself.

I feel sad for some people when they do not see the blessings they have in their life or the great people that they have around them. Do one really have to lose something to know the importance of it?

Surprisingly I slept through the whole night, only waking up at 6am. Normally when I am troubled, I would just keep waking up throughout the night. Guess I’m doing good 🙂 Though my heart was feeling slightly heavy. I think it is a mixture of different couple things. Probably it’s the stress from work, the embarkation from the end of one chapter of my life to the next chapter, personal expectations, and more.

Everything happens for a reason.

I really can’t emphasize that enough, it is scary to look back and see how events mapped out and where they lead to. All these experiences really helped in my understanding of people, love, expectations, …

Let’s talk about love a little today.

Why do things go wrong?

Because most of us got a wrong illusion of love.

I can never use the word “love” carelessly when it comes to telling it to males who I was romantically involved with.

Love is not just a fleeting feeling.

Nor is the adrenaline that rush down you when you see the person.

“Love is not a feeling, love is a decision you make and continue to make in order to create an experience that is described as love. Love is an action that if you don’t use it you lose it. Love is like any communication, if you never send it out, you won’t get a return. Love is something you give to others not something you feel because something happens to you.Most of my life I was under the delusion that love was a feeling, something that was going to happen to me. Love is not something that happens to you but something that you make happen to you and happen to others. Love is something that grows from your actions and decisions and if you don’t have it and or not experiencing it then there is something you don’t know about love!” –Grant CardoneRead more: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/love-is-a-decision-not-a-feeling-777572.html#ixzz18mm1WVfV

Why shouldn’t you use the word “love” carelessly?

Although I never used it in the last relationship I was in, I was being told that he loved me. And indeed, it set some expectations and hopes into me.

Words need to be used responsibly. Love itself is also a responsibility.Using it irresponsibly sets false expectations and hopes in the other. Because to some, “I Love You” may be something really significant.

Love..is when you strip everything off from that person and you still love him/her.

Even if the person lost his/her great job, beauty, got scarred, crippled, poor, and so..you still love him/her.

Not possible?

It is..because I’ve really loved before.

For those who don’t know, I was in a 8 years relationship before. There was of course a lot of turbulence inside of the relationship, especially when both parties are so young and the relationship had been so long.We had strong feelings for each other, perhaps contributed by time or maybe because we were best friends with each other. It was my first relationship, therefore I was uncertain if he was the one and if that was really love. Was I just used to him being the only guy in my life, and the relationship has just became a habit or it was really love??? There were many times when I questioned myself if I loved him?And after a process of questioning myself, I knew I did.

My interview to myself

1. Will you forgive him if he cheats? He mildly cheated/deceived me before but I always took him back. And though painful, if he really did so and ask for forgiveness, I would.

2. If he doesn’t have what he has not, would you still feel the same? Yes, I believe in his abilities to be anything.

3. If he got crippled, scarred or whatsoever, would you still be there? I stuttered a little at this…never a be fan of decapitation. I pondered longer at this and finally, it’s a yes. It matters at the same time and doesn’t matter at the same time. I don’t really know how to explain it.

4. Would you rather bear the pain of he cheating on you or rather he died in an accident? I could feel the stab at the thought of either possibilities as I thought about it. I was really surprised with my own answer actually. I would rather he cheated on me, left me than him dying. I can’t bear the thought of him no longer being alive, even if he wasn’t with me.

And then I knew I really loved him. The last question was kinda redundant because it was pretty obvious.

5. Would you die for him, like shield him from an accident,etc?Yes.

Love is never judgmental, critical or selfish. It is always forgiving.

So where have all of us gone wrong?

We didn’t fall in love, but we are in love with the feelings of being in love.

Why do potentially good relationships, or marriages break apart? Why do people cheat?

Music can be very therapeutic in many ways. It helps one to sort out of emotions, or even sort as a form of release especially when one can relate to the lyrics. Many months ago, I was doing a search on breakup songs (I know it seems kinda dumb but I was in quite a mess beginning of the year) and couldn’t really find a really nice list. Therefore I’ve decided to put up a list of it now that I am going through another one. Actually the songs are really nice to listen whether you are broken-hearted or not.

I’ll continue to update on this list and add more categories.

List of MOVING ON/ BREAKUP SONGS

1. Alanis morrissette-Narcissus

Not exactly my favourite tune, but like the interesting lyrics. I’m sure most have met people as described in the song 🙂

2. Stacie Orrico – I’m Not Missing You

I would say this song sums up my romantic relationships this year.

3. Joy Williams – If You Wanna Go

I really like the melody and the simplicity of the lyrics. And it also captures the essence of my current breakup.

4. Letoya Luckett – Don’t Need You

Was on my constant playlist beginning of the year.Very nice motivational song with great bass. (Nice for runs)

5. Pussy Cats Dolls- Hush Hush Hush

Will always love this. Favourite song to dance to:)

6. Nelly- Just a Dream

Although I like the cover of it done by a girl on youtube much better.

7. Bruno Mars- Grenade

One of the latest songs at the moment. Easy to listen to.

8. Ne-Yo – Single

A good addition to the playlist with a nice rhythm.

9. Glen Hansard- Falling Slowly

Not exactly a breakup song but it has something very soothing about it. I love this song from the first moment I heard it few years back. Breakup or not.

life really don’t go the way that you plan

It’s finally friday and I’m down with a bad cold, have a wedding that I do not wish to attend and not looking forward to the weekend which I was originally excited about.

I did not plan to have a nasty breakup with my ex whom I’ve been with for 8 years, did not plan to lose some friends, did not plan to gain some friends, did not plan to get a job before going for a vacation, did not plan to get into another relationship, did not plan to share my place with someone , did not plan to be sitting here with my nose blocked with eyes that sting a little as I type.
If life is so unpredictable, what’s the point of planning so much then? Sometimes one may just have drawn up the most perfect plan but things just happen, obstructs and the plan just wouldn’t fall through.

I somehow believe in what some may believe, PREDESTINY. Or another way to put it is that everything has already been foreseen by God.

Funny how we humans are so strong, smart yet so fragile, weak at the same time. We think we have control in everything we can get our hands on but sadly, we really don’t.

Sometimes accident happen just because we are a minute earlier or later, bump into someone because of a series events,…

Guess one just can’t rely too much on our plans sometimes.

This had been one of my most unproductive week by far. I need to learn how to create partitions for my head so I can temporarily cast all my troubles aside and come back to it at a more convenient time. Wishful thinking!

I am such a paradox sometimes. I am usually reserved and skeptical about strangers,however once the line is crossed and the transition into friendship takes place…trust and belief in the person will be given almost instantly. And guess people do take advantage of it somehow.

Call it naivety if you wish, I would always love to have faith and trust in people although I do know we humans are subjected to extreme fallibility.

Why still choose to do so despite knowing so? Well, in my perspective, the people around us..did not become the way they are( be it good or bad) just like that. They had gone through a series of processes before arriving to where they are. And most people who are “bad” were probably not as “bad” some time ago. Something must have happened that had shaped them into the way they are now.

Beneath a critical person, he/she perhaps needs lots of assurance himself/herself as he might be really insecure or inconfident about himself. Beneath a cynical person, he/she might have been hurt by people who he cared about very much. You get the idea right? And of course I do believe that some people were just inborn or rather prone towards certain negative traits, for eg: self centered, pessimistic, etc. However I believe that majority of people are not bad creatures in general.

I’ve been burnt so many times, for trusting in people.It’s not that I don’t learn from my lesson but it’s due to my childish belief that people would be won over by kindness. I thought that by taking the first step of trusting and believing in the person would help to make him/she feel good and appreciated. Let’s put it simply that I thought kindness begets kindness.

Apparently not.

The world has become so messed up that sometimes “conscience” might not even exist. Human go to the extremes finding excuses to justify their faults or cover up totally. Using even the sciences to justify wrong morals. For example, why do men have a higher tendency to cheat? Oh because their biology makeup claims that they need to look for different mates and sow their seeds……to populate the world. Okay I’m being sarcastic but you get the gist.

And strangely when some people have taken advantage of someone, they blamed it upon the other person being stupidly kind or naive.

The really scary part is that some people manipulate others without the awareness that they are doing so. Think carefully, how many times a situation started with you feeling unjustified and after “clarification” or “confrontation”, you ended being the “bad guy” or deemed as the one making fuss. You ended up being the one feeling apologetic for something that you felt wronged about or victimized in the beginning.

It gets pretty disheartening sometimes but I am trying to stay optimistic..there must still be like-minded people out there.