Monday, August 12, 2013

There is a Police car sat in the layby outside the house. I opened the curtains, saw it, and cried. I was surprised as well.

I was surprised by the fear that ran through me, by the way I couldn't catch my breath, by the way my eyes filled with tears that rolled down my face.

They are still sitting there. They have no idea what their presence is doing to me, and yet I cannot ask them to move, I will not. Who am I to be afraid of a Police car? It contains two lads, both late twenties, early thirties, trying to work out how to use the iPad type thing they have. They don't know that I am typing on here to try and calm myself down, so that the words on the 'paper' can be seen for the daftness that they are.

I am flinching every time I hear a car door.

I can see the reflection of the Police car in the side of the milk snake tank. I had to force myself away from the window to sit down here on the sofa. I cannot stand at the window and stare at these poor lads, laughing at each others mistakes on the device they hold.

I am being ridiculous. This isn't the first time they have parked there. I have noticed that every time I see them, the reaction gets more on the outside of me, and less on the inside. This is fine - it stops me wallowing in it.

As a small point, we have had Police in school every 17th of July that has been a school day since Rich died.

And they have gone. Off to carry on doing whatever it takes to fight crime and keep us all safe and so on. Catching criminals. Investigating accidents.......

Just so you know.....

I'm from England - so some of the words I use are different to some of the American words. If you're stuck or confused, just leave a comment and ask!

A little translation -

AC - my Adorable Child, boy, age 12.J - my wonderful fiancé, who has hugged my broken heart back into one piece, and loves the AC who loves him back.

T-boy - J's son, age 14.

Rich - my then fiancé who was killed in July '09BG - Beautiful Girl, Rich's daughter and my stepdaughter, who never saw her father again after her mother chose to take her away to the States at 3 years old in '05.She-Ex - BG's mother. R's ex.He-Ex - the ACs father. My ex.

Frank, Errol and Kevin are cats.

Anyone else I'll add as I come across them, or leave me a comment and I'll explain!