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9 October 2017

My Turning Point in Self Confidence

Happy Monday! I love Mondays. Cliché as it may be, I'm all about new starts on a Monday, big changes. If you can start your #newyearnewme (not literally of course) life change on a Wednesday, then GOOD for you! But I cannot. At all. Monday it is.

I thought I'd talk a lil' bit about something which hasn't really been breached on this blog before. Because, to be honest, it's a bit of a wavy subject. I feel like for a long time I thought self confidence has to be an all consuming love of oneself. Looking in the mirror and being all 'yes gal you are a 10'. And whilst there definitely is that kind of self confidence, I think I've learnt over the last couple of years, that self confidence comes in a lot of shapes, there are different ways you may be confident in yourself. And that, more than 'confidence' is acceptance.

After a couple of glasses (bottles) of wine, sat in her garden wrapped in dressing gowns on Friday evening, myself and my friend Caroline had a big old chat. A chat about confidence and beauty and all of the things I am never particularly happy talking about because it's all a bit taboo and anyway, I never thought to class myself as self confident.

But I realised, that actually, I am very confident. For the first time in probably my whole life, I am extremely happy with who I am. I'm not saying I look in the mirror and want to snog myself, but I do look in the mirror and know exactly who is staring back. I am very happy with who I am, I am honestly surrounded by some of the best people in the world (I know I'm bias), but I think my friendships and relationships have been a huge part of becoming confident in myself.

The bits I don't necessarily warm to as much, for the first time I'm learning to accept. I've realised accepting myself today is a part of the process of changing myself for all of the right reasons. Not for men or because I watched the Victoria's Secret Show, but because I've learnt in myself what I love and what I'd like to change, and I can start to improve in ways which I think will actually make me a better person, and live a healthier life. But at the same time, allows me to eat a slice of chocolate cake without crying over it.

In August of this year, I quit my job, moved in with my parents and started a whole shit storm of 'what ifs', but it was the best decision I could possibly have made. I stayed true to myself, I knew I wasn't loving London life, I knew I didn't care enough about money to stick it out. And I knew, more than anything, that so long as I stayed in that job, I would be unhappy. I am almost 100% sure, twenty year old me would have stayed in that job, and not had the confidence to take the risk of quitting. I might be in a cushty London job at 25, but I'd almost definitely be suffocated and unhappy.

Self confidence is happiness. It's not materialistic, it's not a man on your arm, or a six figure salary, and it's not even walking around naked, feeling 10/10. It's far deeper rooted, which for so many people, including for years myself, makes it completely alien. Because self confidence is the happiness and acceptance in oneself. It's being sure of yourself even in times of uncertainty. It's knowing your flaws, and accepting them. It's having days where you do have crises, but waking up the next morning and knowing you can go get 'em. For years I struggled with this concept. And the ironic thing is, I found self confidence without even knowing I'd stumbled upon it. I just steadily started making my own decisions, being myself, and accepting what I do and don't like. Maybe to some people it just sounds like growing up, but to me, I am truly, 100% happy, and that is where I've found self-confidence.