Friday, March 10, 2017

Starting over

A tough and discouraging day for me.

We met with the Integrative Medicine doctor who very much supported the idea of Luke having PANDAS. His symptoms add up to it. He gave us a regimen of supplements for Luke to take to support his immune system and brain function. This was in hopes that they symptoms (mainly the tic) goes down or even goes away.

But then our doctor called later in the day (the pediatrician) and told me that Luke's titers are down which means that there is no strep in his system, which also means no PANDAS. You would think this was good news to me, but it's not. I don't want Luke to have this tic anymore. Having PANDAS meant that we found the root cause of the problem. A tic is just a tic--a symptom of who knows what. We are back to square one again.

Honestly, I wanted to cry. All that progress we made just feels wasted. I am done with doctors appointments and school meetings and emails to keep everyone updated (mainly the school). But then Luke continues to be so uncomfortable with this tic; it exhausts him. I can't just sit by and do nothing.

And so it's back to day one of my novena. My novena to our Lady of Good Success brought us to a diagnosis, so maybe it will bring us to a cure.

Praying for a good outcome, praying for good success. I truly feel done with it all...

**Update**

As I was getting ready for bed last night, I had a strange moment that I can't really describe. In my minds eye, I suddenly saw a flash of a diamond--and yet, it wasn't a diamond. It was more like a bright light in the shape of something like a diamond and as bright as when light catches on diamonds...

Anyway, immediately after seeing this, a thought formed in my head: "It is for Luke's benefit that this is happening..."

I hadn't really thought of it that way. None of this seemed beneficial at all. And I must admit, I cling to the comforts of what is "normal" and familiar. Suffering is not comfortable. And yet, even children need to go through it. Suffering can form us into saints, if we let it. But we tend to avoid what is good for us. Suffering is the broccoli of sanctity.

The moment was literally only a moment; it left as quickly as it came. But it gave me a lot to ponder. This thought stayed with me the rest of the night; in some ways it gave me some comfort to know there is a reason for it all.

This morning I opened my Divine Mercy emails, and this one really spoke to me. As long as God keeps speaking to me in all of this, I'm ok with waiting for a cure.

November 19, [1936]. During Mass today, I saw the Lord Jesus, who said to me, Be at peace, My daughter; I see your efforts, which are very pleasing to Me (Diary, 757).

As I was conversing with the hidden God, He gave me to see and understand that I should not be reflecting so much and building up fear of the difficulties which I might encounter. Know that I am with you; I bring about the difficulties, and I overcome them; in one instant, I can change a hostile disposition to one which is favorable to this cause. The Lord explained many things to me in today’s dialogue, although I am not putting everything in writing (Diary, 788).