Brad Paisley & LL Cool J Will Solve Racism Now

If you haven’t heard by now, the Internet was handed a goddamn golden goose yesterday when Brad Paisley released his latest song “Accidental Racist” featuring LL Cool J. (If that seems weird to you, LL Cool J stars on a CBS police procedural making him technically white.) A self-pitying tune lamenting Brad’s inability to love the Confederate flag and the South without being thought of as a racist. Fortunately, his spirits are lifted when LL raps in to say he’ll forgive slavery – yup – if Brad won’t think he’s trying to shoot him just because he’s wearing gold chains. So needless to say, it cuts right to the very core of racial tensions in America, except not at all, Jesus fucking Christ, who thought this was a good idea? So here are two epic takedowns over at Daily Banter and Grantland while I solve these idiots’ problem: Cool James, if you don’t want people to think you’re some gold-chained thug from the hood, don’t dress like some gold-chained thug from the hood. Brad, if you don’t want people to think you’re a redneck Southerner who’s too stupid to grasp the significance of the Confederate flag, don’t dress like a redneck Southerner who’s too stupid to grasp the significance of the Confederate flag. It’s literally that simple, and others have said this before, but this is why Star Trek has shit figured out. Everybody gets the same uniform, then boom, we’re off banging aliens.

What’s that? They all were scarves and Hugo Boss in the new one? Fuckdammit, J.J. Abrams.