Someone had got it into their heads that the bacon sandwich is some kind of health thing, and it isn’t. It’s designed to cure the curse of vegetarianism, not ease us all into it.

And things are no better at the other end of the spectrum. At a greasy spoon café last week, they gave me a bacon sarnie — and it was, like, £2.50 — filled with an inch of freezing cold margarine and two tiny specks of even colder bacon.

And then, a few days later, at a roadside tea and Bovril spot for truckers, they sold me one made from a bun.

I don’t want a bloody bun. The bread is simply there to keep the grease off my fingers. A bun is for throwing at your team-mates when you’re on a rugby tour. It’s not for eating.

The sarnie is meant to cure the curse of vegetarianism, not ease us all into it

Messing with the recipe for a bacon sandwich is like messing with the recipe for tomato ketchup. You can’t.

Heinz is how it should be. And anyone who thinks they can do better is an idiot. It’s the same story with brown sauce. There’s HP, and that’s it.

A bacon sandwich is made from sliced, white, untoasted, bread, into which the warm butter and grease can soak. And you should not be shy with the meat. Ram it full then add another slice for good measure. And that’s it.

Babies try out modern tastes such as avocado and sweet potato

Then you wash it down with a Bloody Mary which has no sherry in it. Or horseradish. Or celery. Clear?

By the way, if you know of somewhere that does a proper bacon sandwich, can you PLEASE let me know.

I’m here and on all the usual social media places.

Got to love old buffers

I’VE always liked Jools Holland. I could never put my finger on it but there’s something about the man that’s correct and decent.