In 2009, I learned that there was no realistic way my best friend would ever be able to become a father -- his greatest desire in life. I decided then that I would offer to be a surrogate for him (which didn’t sound realistic at the time). A year later, I made that offer. He accepted, and in Nov. 2011 I got pregnant.

I’m writing this blog because I’m not the typical surrogate. For one, in the terms of the trade, I’m an altruistic traditional surrogate (I’m unpaid and the egg is mine) with a totally open arrangement with the dads. Most importantly, though, this is my first pregnancy (NO ONE thinks this is a good idea; most surrogates already have their own kids).

Also, we’re all gay, so this is going to be the gayest baby ever.*

- The Deputy

*Except for the children of those many, many other sets of three or more gays who decided to combine their powers to procreate...

January 9, 2013

Dating and Surrogacy, Part III

It's a funny thing to make the decision to break up with someone you love and who makes you happy. Oddly enough, this is something I've done twice in my life - once with a girlfriend who lived 3500 miles away, and second with Hotshot, just before I began my surrogacy.

We tease each other a lot about who broke up with whom, each accusing the other of leaving us helpless and heart broken -- but we both know it was mutual. We were afraid, and I think wisely so, to drag a fledgeling relationship through such unknown territory. So we called it quits, and each did our own thing for a while.

Four months later I was two months pregnant when we decided that maybe this pregnancy thing wasn't such a big deal after all. That's not to say the time apart was in vain - when we got back together we were closer and more confident in our love than we'd ever been before. We knew we weren't together because of momentum or because we'd taken the path of least resistance, but because we really, truly wanted to be.

So we started the adventure. I think being a surrogate's girlfriend is waaayyyy different from being a surrogate's husband/wife. For one, the latter have already seen the surrogate pregnant, for their own children, and when people assume that you're having children together it may not be true for this pregnancy, but it is true more generally.

And of course people do assume. Out on the town people would congratulate Hotshot as well as me, and she'd giggle and say to me, "They think I'm gonna be a dad!"And she would constantly have to explain the situation to her friends. Apparently, the usual response was to praise me, and think it was only natural that Hotshot would be with me, supporting me through this thing. But it's not!! It was an incredibly brave and beautiful thing to do, and I will always be thankful to her for being with me through my pregnancy.

Hotshot is the most emotionally intelligent person I've ever met. She understands herself, and me, better than I ever knew was possible. She knows what I'm feeling when I don't even know yet, and she can read my face like an open book. Sometimes when I was tired, when I was stressed, when I was recovering from the c-section, I would start to feel like a crazy person, and she could always bring me back with a look or a few words -- I'd feel sane again.

I don't think Hotshot was ever excited about my surrogacy. She supported me fully, but I know she always would have preferred a not pregnant girlfriend. And who wouldn't??? Sure, she got a DD for seven months, but she also got a girl with mood swings, who couldn't carry anything, who was FAT, and then the fucking terrifying event of labor itself!

We debated for a long time whether she should be at the birth or not, and thank goodness we decided she would be. I was so upset about having to have a c-section -- so upset (expect a post about it), and having her there made a world of difference. But most importantly was afterward, in the recovery unit, when I felt like I'd been hit by a train. She crawled into my hospital bed with me and gave me the best and most needed cuddles I've ever had. We got some seriously weird looks from the hospital staff (yeah -- I just gave birth to this full blown adult) but I was SO happy. Speaking of hospital staff, would they fucking leave you alone??? "get some rest, get some rest, let me just barge in on you every five minutes all day!" UGH -- never been so tired.

Her work wasn't over after the birth -- I stayed at her house through the very sucky recovery from the c-section. She took care of me until I was well enough and then threw me the MOST AWESOME post-partum party at our favorite bar. So many friends, so much booze, party hats, cigars and even a piñata!

And now, having gone through this together, we're stronger and know each other better than the months we've been together would indicate. I know I can trust her and rely on her when the shit hits the fan, and she's seen me at my best and worst. Who knew so many crazy choices could have such a good end result?

3 comments:

What a great post. So glad things worked themselves out. And I work for a hospital as an interpreter and sometimes (if I'm feeling lazy) I do want to yell at the staff to just shut up and let my patient rest.