How do you torture a Scotsman? - Nail him to the floor and play him a Jimmy Shand record.

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A Scotsman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat brunette get on the subway. They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear a loud slap. When the lights come on, the Englishman has a big red handprint on his face.

The blonde thinks: "Oh, the Englishman must have made a move for me, but fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him."

The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves on that blonde and got slapped. Good for her."

The Englishman thinks: "Hey, that Scotsman must have gone for the blonde, and she slapped me by mistake!".

The Scotsman thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel soon, so I can hit that English bastard again."
(eingesendet von Alexandra)

* * * * *

Two Scotsmen, both slightly drunk, were sitting in a railway carriage.
'Privatization of the railways', said one to the other, 'was the best thing that ever happened.'
'I agree', said the other. 'You're going to Glasgow and I'm going to Stirling and we're both on the same train.'

* * * * *

Sign on a Scottish golf course:

IMPORTANT NOTE TO MEMBERS: STOP PICKING UP LOST BALLS UNTIL THEY HAVE STOPPED ROLLING!

There are many theories about bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. However the truth is that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke - but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. (eingesendet von Kay)

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree. As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a
blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away. Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, "I dinna know where y'been lad... but it's nice ta' know y'won first prize!"
(eingesendet von Alexandra)

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Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Five - one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

* * * * *

Q. What's the difference between bagpipes and chainsaws?
A. Chainsaws don't have vibrato.

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Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

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Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.