Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Kids, when you come to my office with your friends, it is extremely important that you remember which of you had what complaint.

I know that when you come to me during recess (usually the one before your math test), you do not have a note from the teacher telling me what your symptoms are. Generally, if something were hurting you, I'd assume you'd remember what it was. But, silly me, this isn't always the case.

By way of example, 2 of you demonstrated today how it should NOT be done. Faker and her bff Fakess came by today, with Faker complaining of sand in her eye and Fakess complaining that her hand was hurting.

Skool Nerse: "Which hand is it?"

Fakess: "The one I write with."

Skool Nerse: "And that is...?"

Fakess: "Um, did my Mom put it on that card she filled out?"

Skool Nerse: "No."

Fakess: "Okay it's, um, uh, ah, this one?"

Skool Nerse: "That's the hand that hurts? Is that the one you write with?"

Fakess: "Let me think..."

Skool Nerse: "You do that." (turns to Faker) "What's wrong with you?"

Faker: "I have sand in my eye."

Skool Nerse: "Which eye?"

Faker: "This one."

Skool Nerse: (carefully examines eyeball) "Hmm... I don't see any sand, or redness..."

Fakess: "Oh, that's because I'm the one with sand in my eye".

Faker: "Yeah, I forgot. It was her. I hurt my hand, this one."

As you can see, this duo made a number of mistakes that might have been avoided with a little practice beforehand. Therefore, kids, when trying to lie your way out of math tests, please remember that consistency in doing so is the key.

I swear, I had no idea what I'd missed up growing up with a mother who was a nurse - certainly I learned good and early that if I wanted to fake illness, it had to be consistent, it had to be undeniable, and I had to accept my chances of getting away with it were approximately one in about a gazillion - and that was when Mum was feeling generous. In order to get sympathy, blood was usually necessary, in large amounts.

When I was in third grade, I fell and skinned my kneecaps pretty badly while on recess. I went to the school nurse, who peroxided them, but didn't bandage them. She told me to go back to class, even there was still some bleeding(I'd left a bloody trail coming into the building), but she refused to put bandages on them, saying that bandages were for sissies.The janitors didn't like having to clean up the two pools of blood under my desk that night...She was one tough lady, that school nurse.

Are you allowed to draw bloods/take blood tests at school? Or perhaps a 1950's vacination syringe filled with saline/dye)..Get it all out and ready and say you've lost your glasses and do you think you could guide me as to where he needle goes? Talk in steps. as in "step one; make sure patient is sitting" ok. good done that. "step 2 " try to calm patient to keep their mind off the pain they are about to experience" um, o.k, deep breaths pateients!" "Umm, step 3, recheck needle lenth:" ok... See how many hang aound after that...(:

Actually...our school nurse was crap. My brother was a sick kid. My brother had a seizure in gym class...between the idiot gym teacher who did not realize how to pick up a phone and call 911....to the nurse who was given a note that morning about my brother reducing his meds and to watch for seizures. Anyways...he was down for 45 minutes. Not good.

I never had to see a school nurse to often, but then again I didn't fake illness at the nurses office to get out of class. I knew that my parents would have to take time off work to pick me up, and I was keenly aware that every penny counted in my house. GOing a few days with the water cut off can really drive that point home. Soo...

The first time I saw the nurse, was in the 1st grade. I came to school sick as a dog, and soldiered on all the way until I had to go to daycare after school. I distinctly remember not eating a bit during lunch because I didn't want to puke, and didn't want to get sent home. It was the daycare staff after school who I couldn't fool. They realized I didn't look so good, and the nurse was still there. Ended up with a temp of 104 and dad taking me to the doctors. The second time was in 7th grade, because I wanted to make sure it was an actual problem and not just something that would heal on its own. I had a nasty case of swimmers ear and by the time I went to the school nurse-- well I literally was contemplating chopping my own ear off because the pain was so bad I thought that that might hurt less. The nurse didn't see anything wrong, yelled at me for not having a pass to see her (I had slipped in between 1st and 2nd period) and lets just say I didn't learn anything that day... Kept pulling my ear this way and that trying to make it feel better. I actually almost snuck off campus that day, my house was only a few blocks form school, and being stuck in school was pure torture I really just wanted to rip my ear off. But, I never found a good opportunity to sneak out. Dad took me to the cash discount doctor that night, and I've never been more grateful for antibiotics and pain killers. And forget having the school nurse give me pain killers during school and going through all that hoopla-- I didn't trust her anymore. I slipped them in my pocket-- if they were going to expel me over extra strength Tylenol, so be it.

Welcome to my whining!

This blog is entirely for entertainment purposes. All posts about patients may be fictional, or be my experience, or were submitted by a reader, or any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate.

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