Category Archives: Change

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I said…sure…when I wanted to say…no…from everything to can you work an extra shift…to…can you replace this zipper for me…to…can you watch my dog for two weeks…

I took on extra assignments and did favor upon favors for friends…and in the process…everyone agreed…Jane is so nice…she will always help out…

Of course…there were a couple of people who might not have agreed…when my taking on things for others…took away from what I could do for them…and that would be…my girls…

That’s right…in always being there for someone else…I wasn’t always there for my daughters…now…don’t get me wrong…they weren’t neglected or anything like that…it’s just…I could have been a lot more present for them…if I wasn’t busy doing things for someone else…

Now…I have to admit…that although I was a pushover for a lot of people…there was that one person…that I kept doing more and more for…and now…looking back…I think I really believed that if I did enough for him…I would be indispensable…and then my life would be wonderful…

In truth…I was pretty indispensable…he wanted something done…he mentioned it to me…I moved heaven and earth…work and kids…to make it happen…and somehow…I felt honored that I was smart enough and talented enough…to be the one he asked to do his important things…

But…that wasn’t the magic wand that made us live happily ever after…no…it was just the tire iron…that kept him asking for more and more…and me making it happen…while my own life actually got smaller and smaller…

Thankfully…that has been several years ago…and…thanks to…Bertha…and lots of hard work…I am no longer that person…giving my all to please someone else…in fact…I’m a Life Coach now…and I help other women who are experiencing the same kind of people pleasing things that I used to do…

Recently…Bertha…wanted to look at those years from a slightly different perspective…other than my self-esteem…what had it cost me to play nice?

Well…with calculator in hand…I did the math…and it wasn’t pretty…a conservative estimate was that playing nice…had cost me…over 16,425 hours…or…685 days…almost 2 full years…of time that I could have been doing other things…and…on top of that…if I had earned my salary at the time for the hours I gave away…I could have made over $400,000…

And that doesn’t even take into consideration the emotional costs…of trying so hard to make someone else happy…of being afraid to say no because if I did…the relationship would end…and yes at the time I thought that would be a bad thing…of feeling guilty when I put his needs above my kids and my job…and…so much more…

So…what have I learned…how did I change…how did I let go of this relationship…and take back my life…

The answer is I have learned so much…

First…I became aware of what was really going on in my life…and why I had the overwhelming need to please someone else at my expense…and that had to do with fear of rejectionand not being enough…

Next…I learned that willpower doesn’t work because I had underlying, unconscious beliefs…that kept me too afraid to say no…so I learned how to change the energy of my old beliefs…and now I can say no to those ridiculous demands on my time and resources…

Then…I began taking action…saying no in small ways…then bigger and bigger…and doing it without feeling…guilty…

Now…I’m enjoying my life…one day at a time…saying NO to the things I don’t want to do…and I find that I can do that in grace and love…which is very important to me…because…

I am still a nice person…

Jane

PS…as a result of my years of playing nice…and the lessons that I learned along the way…I now work with coaching clients who are where I once was. If my story resonates with you…I would love to help you Stop Paying the High Cost of Playing Nice…I have set aside some time for a few FREE strategy sessions and I would love to talk with you about how you can turn your life around. Just click here to request an appointment…you don’t have to be a people pleaser anymore.

I’m…fixing to…take my life…my career…in a bit of a different direction… now…I have to look at the phrase…fixing to…how do you fix to…was it broken…I have no idea…but I know it is a good ole Southern phrase which I love…

Anyway…all fixing aside…as I contemplate the changes that I am making… it’s easy to become overwhelmed…am I making the right decisions…or would it be better to do…this…instead of…that…or…should I just leave things the way they are…and go on like it’s been…maybe you can relate…

Bertha…whisper-shouts in my ear…it’s okay…be yourself…listen to your heart…remember…what sounds the most glamorous isn’t always…make your decisions from a place of truth…choose an action…you can choose another tomorrow…choose what you’re comfortable with…step out of your comfort zone…it’s all good…as long…as you own your truth…and act from it…

Hmmm…somehow…I’m no longer feeling overwhelmed…and…the first action up for grabs…is…well…I’ll tell you later…

Jane…

How about you…how do you handle the overwhelm of change and choices? I’d love to hear in the comments…