If Social Media Outlets Were People

Twitter

Twitter is dreadfully witty, oddly knowledgeable and incredibly precise in his delivery. He’s that kid who could never ‘apply himself’ in high school but somehow made it into Harvard, dropped out after one year then become a multi-millionaire by age 24. You can find him at every party ever, doing lines in the bathroom and excitedly telling everybody how his ADHD helped him get ahead in life.

Myers-Briggs personality type: ENTP

Facebook

Facebook is that popular girl from high school who organized your ten-year reunion for the sole reason of judging everyone else’s success against her own. You go to her for all the latest gossip but she has this particular habit of making you feel vaguely bad about yourself when she points out that everyone else is doing better than you. Only redeems herself by re-introducing you to your old crush who she tells you is recently divorced and back on the prowl. Plus she hands you five hundred pictures of him to salivate over.

Myers-Briggs personality type: ESFJ

Tumblr

Tumblr is that weird friend you had in 7th grade that everyone else made fun of but you secretly hung out with after school and told all of your secrets to. She had an obsession with cats and a lot of weird anxieties but she was surprisingly insightful in ways that not everyone realized. You fell out of touch as you grew up but you still see her around now and then. She grew up to be an enthusiastic activist for literally everything ever.

Myers-Briggs personality type: INFP

Linkedin

Linkedin is that friend you had in college who would turn down party invitations to go to some ambiguous “Networking Event” that never seemed to help him get a job. Has a tendency for name-dropping, pretention and showing up to casual social gatherings in a business suit. He’d be endearing if he weren’t so in your face about his successes. Last you heard he was working some sort of consulting job and handing out his business card to everyone he met.

Myers-Briggs personality type: ESTJ

Instagram

Instagram is hot. She’s the woman every guy wants to bang and every girl wants to be. She has no problem showcasing her glamorous lifestyle to everyone around her, as long as nobody gets too close. Rumor has it she looks totally different without makeup. And she’d rather die than come down from the untouchable pedestal that we’ve placed her on.

Myers-Briggs personality type: ESFP

Meetup

Meetup is the ultimate mom of your friend group. Nothing brings her greater joy than introducing you to people she knows who like all the same stuff you like and watching you guys hit it off. She’s the social butterfly who seems to know everyone from everywhere. You’re not sure how this happened but you’re just glad you know her. Even if she is a bit strict on playing by the rules.

Myers-Briggs personality type: ENFJ

Tinder

Tinder is that guy you hooked up with in college who still occasionally texts you wink faces at three in the morning despite the fact that you haven’t seen each other in over seven years. You were drawn to him based on his sheer physical attraction but lost interest once you found out that he was pursuing fourteen of your friends at the same time. He was fun, but a little bit shallow for your liking. Mostly just something you did to keep busy on dull Saturday nights.

Myers-Briggs personality type: ESTP

Pinterest

Pinterest is that sweet, incredibly organized girl who wants to get married so badly that it’s just kind of sad. You can’t really hate on her but at the same time when she invites you over to hang out on Friday nights you have to be all “Oh… I can’t,” for fear that you’ll get caught scrapbooking until the wee hours of the morning. She isn’t the life of the party but her baking skills keep her in everyone’s good graces. What you wouldn’t do for one of her brownies…

Myers-Briggs personality type: ISFJ

Google +

Google + is that guy. You know. The one who piggybacks off everyone else’s ideas and somehow ends up more successful than everyone else combined. He may not be the most popular dude at the moment but his entrepreneurial attitude is shameless – you have no doubt that his star is on the rise. Love him or hate him, he’s going to be the next big thing. It’s only a matter of time.