Blog - Divorce Coaching For Menhttp://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog
Thu, 24 May 2018 15:09:11 -0400Joomla! - Open Source Content Managementen-uspaul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Divorce Coaching For Men)Critical Keys to Surviving the Fog of Divorcehttp://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/37-one-key-to-surviving-the-fog-of-divorce
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/37-one-key-to-surviving-the-fog-of-divorceThere is one consistent element among every divorce I've heard of or witnessed and every man (or woman) going into, through or coming out of a divorce, and that consistent element is STRONG EMOTION.

Much (if not most) of my 10+ years of private individual coaching is built on a foundation of neuroscience research and how our brain impacts our thinking, feelings and behaviors. One critical brain bit that I find significantly relates to the divorce puzzle is the "inverse relationship" between our executive brain (the prefrontal cortex) and the brain's emotional center (the limbic system). The brain has evolved over millions of years and has developed an extremely powerful and automatic threat detection system.

It seems that when we perceive a "danger" in our environment, our limbic system lights up and quickly pulls physiological (blood glucose) resources from our executive brain in order to orchestrate the fight or flight response. The critical notion here is that as resources are drained from the executive brain, we cannot access and leverage our higher cognitive functions and instead default to a more unconscious and automatic response that allows us to survive the immediate situation and "live to fight another day."

"Why is this so devastating in a divorce?"

In addition to being a highly emotional experience, divorce also presents a variety of very significant, impactful and long-term decisions*. Things like:

how to allocate fixed assets

how to allocate liquid assets

how to allocate retirement assets

who gets what in terms of possessions

who lives where

who gets custody (if children are involved)

visitation (if children are involved)

alimony

palimony

Each of these decisions can cast a long shadow.

Making a decision in an emotional state usually means the decision was guided by our most primitive brain regions--not our most evolved brain--and is most likely not a very thoughtful/rational/logical decision. At best, it is sub-optimal. And often, it is permanent.

So what am I to do?

As often with the brain, there is a silver lining. Two of the capacities our more evolved brain offers us are the abilities to be self-aware AND to self-regulate. And these are capacities we can strengthen, just like muscles.

It starts with being more self-aware. This means being able to notice the shift into a more emotional state. There are telltale signs that emotions are creeping in and trying to take over: shortness or shallowness of breath, quickening of pulse, tunnel vision, sweating, tightness in the stomach, dry mouth. Noticing them more quickly allows us to "put on the brakes" more swiftly.

Putting on the brakes in the brain is the act of self-regulation or self-control.

These are two of the things I focus on helping my clients build. Without these abilities, divorce can be a far more dangerous and damaging experience. With them, divorce is still painful but we can create a better future for ourselves.

*State laws may impact or govern certain issues and decisions in a divorce

]]>paul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Paul McGinniss)BlogFri, 18 Mar 2016 11:46:42 -0400Ten Reasons Your Life Isn't Over When Your Marriage Ishttp://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/34-ten-reasons-your-life-isnt-over-when-your-marriage-is
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/34-ten-reasons-your-life-isnt-over-when-your-marriage-isFor most of us, the loss of a loved one creates an emotional landscape fraught with uncertainty, anger, confusion, and anxiety. As humans, our brain is wired in such a way that when we are triggered by a threat event, we disconnect from our Pre-Frontal Cortex (thinking/logical brain) and engage our Limbic system (the Limbic system is more commonly associated with the “fight or flight” response).

The problem is, when we’re “limbic,” our decision-making is affected by our emotional state and is usually over-generalized and exaggerated. For some, the loss of a spouse and the end of a marriage can feel like the end of their life. This is an extreme but common emotional reaction/thought. While the loss and the hurt are real and painful, we are in fact still alive.

This reaction can also be related to the meaning we apply to our spouse in our life. In Stephen Covey’s book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People,” he writes about the idea of being centered. This has to do with what we identify as central to our being, our guidepost, our foundation. People can be centered on a variety of “things.” They can be family-centered, status-centered, money-centered, enemy-centered (that one confused me for a while), child-centered, job-centered, spouse-centered. You get the idea. The challenge is, if we are centered on something that is transitory, meaning it can be taken away from us, when that ultimately happens, which it will (people lose jobs, spouses, children, money…), we lose our center. This can be destabilizing. When we make our spouse the primary center of our life and they leave us, it can be extremely destabilizing. It can in fact feel like our life has indeed ended. I’ll add here, our life (or more accurately, our future) as we imagined it with our spouse has indeed ended. Our life, however, has not.

There are tools I will share later that can help us regulate the emotional minefield that is divorce. For now, I’ll offer ten reasons (in no particular order) why your life is not over even though your marriage is.

undefined

]]>paul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Paul McGinniss)BlogMon, 03 May 2010 16:27:19 -0400More than one way to skin a cat - Part 4http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/33-more-than-one-way-to-skin-a-cat-part-4-sp-1263733133
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/33-more-than-one-way-to-skin-a-cat-part-4-sp-1263733133This is the fourth Change Model I am presenting in order to give you as many ways to move through the Fog of Divorce™ as possible. Options empower you and help you to focus and engage a powerful region of your brain called the pre-frontal cortex. This is where awareness, insight, and action originate.

This model was developed by John Kotter, a Harvard Business School professor and a well-known expert on change. Kotter introduced this 8-step process in his book, "Leading Change." Since YOU are the change agent in your divorce (whether you want to admit it or not), you may find his approach applicable to your situation (the steps listed below are his; the notes for each step are mine).

Step 1 - Create Urgency

If your spouse has already introduced the "D" word to your marital woes, chances are a sense of urgency has been created for you. Sometimes, particularly for men, we think things are just heating up when, in fact, things are actually worse than they appear.

Not acting out of a sense of urgency can cause things to drag on and can annoy your spouse, which can bounce back and bite you in the butt, and only cause you more grief.

]]>paul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Paul McGinniss)BlogTue, 06 Apr 2010 14:01:59 -0400You Are NOT Alonehttp://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/31-you-are-not-alone
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/31-you-are-not-aloneMany men facing the reality of divorce and the end of their marriage, especially after many years of marriage, think, "I've been married ## years! Who is going to want me now?"

You'd be surprised at the number of people who are in the same boat as you.

Check out table below from the New York State Department of Health. If nothing else, know that you are not alone in your experience. There are thousands of other people (and that's just in New York State from the year 2007) dealing with the same doubts, fears, anger, frustration, disappointment, confusion, and uncertainty that you are.

Quick Facts:

Nearly 50% of 2007 NYS divorces happened after10 years of marriage

Nearly 20% of 2007 NYS divorces happened after20 years of marriage

Table 49:Dissolutions of Marriage by Duration and Type of Decree by Region, New York State - 2007

I'm also starting a Men's Community TeleForum in 2010. If you're interested in participating or would like more information, please contact me.

Our first story comes from a man whose marriage broke up due, in large part, to his wife's spending addiction. Read on...

I found myself thinking if I made the correct decision, I seemed to push my wife out because of a spending addiction. During the marriage I did not know how to handle this matter & the advice I received from a professional (her call) was not the best out there, I believe it made matters worse. Even though I could not live with this addiction, I was not ready for the marriage to end. I still loved her but this addiction always clouded my judgment when dealing with problems within. I seemed somewhat relieved the day I arrived home finding that my wife was gone feeling like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. As hours past I started to have a sense of sadness for what I have done (pushing her out). I tried to reach out to her but this made the situation worse off. I started chasing the women I loved & with this she became very agitated & shut me out completely. I know at this time the marriage was over & soon I will be receiving divorce papers.

It took about two weeks before I came to grip that the marriage was over for good. This is when my life seemed to become a dream state. Every day seemed to be a blur due to my thoughts being stuck in the past. My mind was now split into two parts, present & past. The guilt was overwhelming with “what have I done” & knowing that it was too late to rectify made it a reality. As Paul mentioned “all hell” was breaking loss in my life, life dreams ending, lose of wife/best friend & not knowing what direction to turn in. It was like my “carpet of life” was pulled from underneath me.

I had know idea how to handle what I was going though, never experienced anything like this in my life. I started painting to remove the thoughts of the marriage, with this I became physically & mentally exhausted. Then I started to listen to my thoughts just letting them flow freely. With this I started to feel like I was going crazy wondering did she drive me to this, I knew that I needed to learn how to relax again, needed this to clear the mind & stop thinking of the past. I seek help from professionals but with no prevail, I knew that I must do this on my own but how, there’s no switch to turn on/off. I started to write down “all” my feelings & thoughts about the marriage & how it affected me (during & after). Started to reach out to friends by just talking about how things went wrong & the situation I was now in. Started a new routine however there was too much time to fill (where did the time go when married) I considered “all this time” to be the hardest obstacle.

It has been approximately two months with no contact from her end. She left four months ago but had me appear in court recently, I believing this court hearing set me back some, seeing her put me back to day-one. I can recommend no contact is the best way to go.

The hardest emotional element is the guilt & justifying the occurrence. Don’t put blame on yourself, if so you will never move forward. You must accept that the marriage is over & that the wife is never coming back. The time element must be full, set a routine to accomplish this. The biggest issue will be the thoughts of the past that constantly race in the mind, shut these out by thinking of the present & future. Do not get hung-up in the past, move forward. Plus read the articles that are part of this website. You will make it through, just don’t’ freak out before that, think twice.

]]>paul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Paul McGinniss)BlogThu, 24 Dec 2009 14:54:36 -0500More than one way to skin a cat - Part 3http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/28-more-than-one-way-to-skin-a-cat-part-3-sp-1553944508
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/28-more-than-one-way-to-skin-a-cat-part-3-sp-1553944508This is the third Change Model I'm presenting in order to give you as many ways to move through your divorce as possible. Options are empowering and engage the brain.

The third model was developed by William Bridges, Ph.D. and involves three processes:

Saying Goodbye

Shifting Into Neutral

Moving Forward

]]>paul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Paul McGinniss)BlogTue, 01 Sep 2009 14:30:22 -0400More than one way to skin a cat - Part 2http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/26-more-than-one-way-to-skin-a-cat-2
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/26-more-than-one-way-to-skin-a-cat-2In my last article, I shared the notion that divorce is a HUGE change (no kidding!) and that, perhaps, various Change Models could be used as tools to help you survive the fog of your divorce.

So following along this continuing theme, here is yet another Change Model.
]]>paul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Paul McGinniss)BlogMon, 03 Aug 2009 01:00:00 -0400More than one way to skin a cathttp://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/24-more-than-one-way-to-skin-a-cat
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/24-more-than-one-way-to-skin-a-catI hate to use that expression, especially since I own a cat (that's a whole other story), but I thought it was a good segue into this post, which is really about Change Models.

So goes the adage of dealing with your own issues. And along with it, a brief story...
]]>paul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Paul McGinniss)BlogThu, 16 Jul 2009 10:49:32 -0400Complimentary Teleclass 5/18http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/21-complimentary-teleclass-518
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/21-complimentary-teleclass-518A trusted colleague, Laura Campbell, is hosting a telecall in support of folks dealing with Divorce. Read her email below for more details:

Hi all,

Well, I just can't stop sharing with you!

Through my business, I am hosting another FREE teleclass next Monday night, May 18 at 9:00 pm EST!

I will be hosting it with Peaceful Divorce GURUS Cynthia Tiano and Cindy Harari! They are simply amazing and have dedicated their professional careers to the Peaceful Divorce movement!

This is just another wonderful opportunity to hear from renowned experts and have your questions answered. So, I hope you will join me then!

To find out more information and to sign up for the teleclass, just click on the following link:

]]>paul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Paul McGinniss)BlogThu, 14 May 2009 20:55:58 -0400Complimentary Divorce Resources Callhttp://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/18-complimentary-divorce-resources-call
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/18-complimentary-divorce-resources-callI'm pleased to announce a complimentary teleconference being presented by experts in the field of divorce on Tuesday, March 25 at 9:15 p.m. EDT for men and women dealing with divorce specific resources to deal with these difficult economic times.

Please review the press release for full details:

Dealing with Divorce in Today’s Tough Times – a Groundbreaking Teleconference

With the home-mortgage crisis in the U.S. wreaking havoc in the real estate and banking industries, breaking up and starting over is harder than ever. This forum was created to help men and women dealing with divorce find answers to some of today’s pressing challenges.

The old adage “Breaking up is hard to do,” has never been more true. During upbeat times, navigating the maze of financial, legal and psychological issues that arise in a divorce can be a challenging and daunting process. Add to that a falling Dow, wide-spread job losses, shrinking retirement funds and upside-down mortgages, and you have the overwhelming situation in which many Americans who are seeking a divorce currently find themselves.

In effort to assist those facing this reality, a group of professionals came together and organized a unique and FREE teleconference workshop to be held on March 25, 2009 that brings together legal, financial, psychological, lifestyle, and religious experts in one setting. One of these experts is Paul McGinniss,Founder of Divorce Coaching 4 Men (Long Island, NY). Paul is the creator of Surviving the Fog of Divorce™. We all experience loss at some time in our lives. Paul has experienced many losses -- breaking his neck at 15, the sudden deaths of close friends in college, his cousin's murder, his father's losing "battle" with ALS -- but none of these prepared him for the disintegration of his marriage. “Dealing with divorce was the hardest thing I ever had to do,” says Paul.

Very rarely have so many experts been gathered at one event to talk solely about issues pertaining to marital dissolutions. These experts will provide participants with effective and efficient strategies to dissolve a marriage, separate financial entanglements, and begin the process of putting their lives back together. This advice will be dispensed with an emphasis on the specific issues that have arisen as a result of the economic downturn.The workshop will also address tax and financial issues facing California same sex couples.

Participants will receive a "Divorce Survival Guide" containing over 20 pages of worksheets and additional information that they will be able to use as a reference after the workshop has ended.

]]>paul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Paul McGinniss)BlogMon, 09 Mar 2009 22:38:55 -0400There is no right decisionhttp://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/17-there-is-no-right-decision
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/17-there-is-no-right-decisionMany times in life we are faced with situations that don't present us with a clear "right" or "wrong" decision. When it comes to divorce, it sometimes seems as if there is no right decision. Emotions run high, couples work hard at oneupmanship or baiting each other into fighting; they look for ways to hurt each other and continually assume aggressive/defensive postures.

It is no wonder that so many bad decisions can get made in this emotionally-triggered state. It is also likely that there is no clear "right" decision with regard to particular issues regarding the relationship or the divorce.

So what do you do?

Make the best decision you can make and then make the decision right.

What do I mean by this?

Make any decision that will move you forward, and then give yourself permission to let the decision be the right one, regardless of how you feel about it. You won't always have enough information, energy, desire, or focus to make a perfect decision. So don't bother trying. Simply make a decision, make it right, and then adjust as you go until the next decision point comes along.

BONUS: Try not to get paralyzed by the emotion or let it drive your thought process. A good way to decrease the emotional pull on the situation is to create a vision of the kind of person you want to be known as after the divorce. Use this vision of your "new" self to guide your decision-making as you go through the process. What you do today determines who you are tomorrow.

]]>paul@divorcecoaching4men.com (Paul McGinniss)BlogMon, 02 Mar 2009 15:16:35 -0500The Seven Steps - One at a Timehttp://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/15-the-seven-steps-one-at-a-time
http://divorcecoaching4men.com/blog/15-the-seven-steps-one-at-a-timeDealing with an emotional roller-coaster like divorce can mentally and physically exhaust anyone. There are moments, even days (hopefully not weeks!) when it seems like you can't bear any more pain.

You're not alone!

Luckily, you've found this website and my process for Surviving the Fog of Divorce™. The process is based on my real-life experience and has been refined by applying my brain-based coaching models. The process involves Seven Steps. I'll cover the Step 1 here.

Disclaimer: While my program uses terminology that is similar to war, I fully endorse a peaceful and collaborative divorce where ALL parties -- including any children -- exit the marital relationship whole and unharmed.