BREAKING: Gwyneth Paltrow Lets Her Children Play At A Public Park

“Oh, these two are going right in the fireplace when we get home. Right in.”

When one imagines the playthings of Gwyneth Paltrow’s children whose names escape me at the moment – Cornelius and Harriet Tubman? – one imagines decadent, handcrafted bejeweled gymnasiums fashioned out of stained dinosaur bone and African tusks with each hour of play warmly greeted with organic squash milk served in $12,000 blood diamond juice tumblers. What one doesn’t imagine is a public park infested with pedestrian machinery and the downtrodden breath of the poor, so it’s safe to say Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to murder her kids. She’s murdering them dead.