For the character meme, dionusia asked for three things about 'Lee, post-Resurrection Ship'. They grew into longer snippets because I fail at being concise. I promised these to dionusia and I like to keep my promises--but they come with a serious Leemo warning, k? ;-)

1. Hard day for dreamingThe waking up is hardest, the first breath taken in consciousness each morning. It's even harder after he's brought back. In those first few moments of every morning it all comes rushing back. As he rolls out of his bunk, pulls on clothes, brushes his teeth, checks the time, inside his mind the events of the past come thudding back; he feels as if he's their punching bag. Zak, his mother, his father, Gianne, his failures, the attacks, his failures, his decisions, the consequences... always the consequences.

The knot inside his chest feels as if it is slowly choking him. It only eased when he let go, let the air escape from his flight suit and just floated. That was what was so seductive about it. This knot had been with him for so long, he couldn't remember when he first felt it, or when he first realized he felt it--that might be more to the point. Before the Cylon attacks, definitely. Since his childhood? Maybe. He didn't want to look too closely at that. But it had grown in magnitude over the years, especially since the attacks. In rare moments of self-indulgent solitude, he had visualised it as an amorphous black growth, foul and terrible in its physicality, gripping his heart and his lungs in its slimy embrace. He imagined being able to take a knife or a scalpel and dig it out of his chest. It helped to think of it that way, to give it form, though he knew that this was illusory. It could never be extracted; it was part of him, though thinking that way made him flinch with rage he couldn't explain.

If he concentrates too long on it, he loses himself in a deluge of unbearable emotion. Instead, he monitors his thoughts constantly, diverting his attention to more productive areas: the minutiae of the CAG's role that Kara winces at provide Lee with a useful external focus. These are solvable problems, obstacles which can be surmounted, one task at a time. There's comfort in creating order, and while he knows he could be replaced in a second, it also provides him with a thin thread of satisfaction that he can help fight to keep civilization's motley leftovers alive. But that's only an external satisfaction; it doesn't actually lessen the weight he carries.

How could he explain this to anyone? Kara was the only person he might have been able to tell, but when he attempted it, he had seen in her eyes that she didn't understand. That door had closed: she was dismissive of his 'space walk' now, joking about something that made her uncomfortable. He'd been wrong to burden anyone with that. He should know to keep his own counsel on these things by now. The knot thickens.

2.Random acts of hopelessnessShevon's words haunt him. It had been a shock to be exposed like that, to see himself through her eyes and know he'd failed. Again. It shouldn't have been as much of a shock as it was, but every time Lee thinks he's got a grip on the ways he disappoints others, he turns around and catches himself in another crime against them. There's irony there somewhere--that something that was supposed to be so simple, defined and contained, had got so out of hand. Lee had prided himself on keeping their relationship human, on seeing the woman, not just the role she played. Perhaps she'd been a better actress than he'd ever guessed. Though he reminded himself every time that her attentiveness emotionally was part of the deal (something she'd understood instinctively), it had felt as real as anything he'd ever had with a woman. He didn't want to think about what that said about him. It was one of the reasons that had led him to choose Shevon in the first place: he'd never known what women wanted from him, why despite his best efforts and protestations they always wound up disappointed.

It was true though that lately he'd been preoccupied more than ever with thoughts of Gianne. Her memory had never left him, of course, but in the first period after the attacks there had been so many other overwhelming things to focus on. Now it feels like her ghost dogs his every step. He doesn't even have a photo of her, and he doesn't know if that's a sorrow or a blessing. It's the immutability of the memory that tears at him most--the Cylon attacks coming when they did mean he's frozen in time as a man too weak and fearful to welcome the gift of life that his girlfriend had held out to him. Sometimes he feels like he's outside himself, watching someone else's life--it's how he felt after he ejected from the Blackbird. There was, in the end, so very little that Lee could control, and what he should have control over, he fraks up. He wasn't there for Gianne the way she needed. Despite his promise, he wasn't there for Kara, couldn't be. His grip on life was so tenuous and powerless--it was easier to let go.

3. Take it easyDee's not Lee's type, either physically or in terms of her character. His attraction to her surprises him. It's usually the tall, showy blondes that mesmerise him, and Dee's petiteness disorients him at first. But she's tough in her own way. He likes her tenacity in their training sessions and he admires her self-composure when she talks about Billy proposing.

He can relate to what she describes: the bolt of certainty that you can't deliver what the other person wants, even if you can't fully explain why to yourself or others. However, she doesn't berate herself for it the way he does. He suspects she's stronger than him, but being around her makes him want to respond to the gentle challenge in her eyes, and it's been a long time since he felt like that. Lee doesn't deal well with the weight of expectation in relationships of any sort, and at first he'd worried about what Dee would want from him.

It's something Lee admits only to himself, and then only in his most honest moments, but it was comforting to hear Dee whispering 'stay with me' as he fought to retain consciousness after being shot. Was that all she really wanted? Was that all he needed to do? Was he enough? He knew it was silly to place so much importance on words murmured in fear and confusion, but perhaps it really was that simple. He'd always been inclined to overcomplicate things and it was a relief to relax and trust someone else for once.

She also asked for three times that Lee lost control, pre-mini-series.1. Lee doesn't know how old he was when this happened, but it can't have been long after his father left. Still, it was old enough to know better and he often thinks of it when others praise him. They don't really know him. Lee was helping his mother with dinner. She had a tumbler full of ambrosia in one hand and was in one of her giggly moods. Specifically she was laughing with Zak, who had found one of Lee's school report cards, unread, under a pile of old papers. Now he was reading it aloud in a mocking voice--the voice which he put on to mimic Lee. '"Lee shows great determination"... d'you know what that means, Mom? It means Lee sucks up the teacher's ass!' His mother bent over, choking, and in a flash Lee had seized the pot of near-boiling water from the stove and flung it in Zak's direction. Zak leapt back, tumbling off his chair, and there was one moment of absolute silence before he started screaming. Most of the water had missed him but it had splashed his arm and the side of his face. Lee's mother started yelling. Lee stood between the two of them for a moment waiting for someone to take charge. And then it dawned on him that there was no-one but him. He'd known that already, in theory. He'd been trying to be the man of the house. But there was a difference between knowing something and experiencing it, he learnt that day, as he quietly set about calming Zak down and applying ice to his burns. As Zak quietened, Lee's mother's sobs lessened to incoherent mumbling. Zak was sullen, but he let Lee finish dinner in peace. As he served it up, Lee resolved to save his anger, in the future, for those who deserved it.

2. Just once, Lee let himself cry about Kara. It was in his final year and he'd just been dumped. Or rather the relationship had just fallen apart--he couldn't even claim to have been dumped fairly and squarely, since they'd both admitted there'd been problems. Kara was... the gods knew where. Not here, which was the point, wasn't it? He took a bottle with him and walked out onto the tarmac, across the airfield. It was 3am and there were no night runs scheduled so only minimal lights lit up the runways. He walked and walked, turning things over in his mind. It didn't take long to get to Kara. And out here away from everyone it was easier to admit that most of the ache he felt inside was for her, not his latest failed relationship. 'That is so frakked up, Lee' he muttered to himself, and then laughed--he must be more drunk than he realised. He dropped to his knees in the grass and then spreadeagled himself on the ground, staring at the stars. It was easier up there... a lump formed in his throat and before he knew it he was choking back the tears. He remembers clutching a clump of grass in his palm as he sobbed Kara's name into the darkness.

When she started dating Zak, Lee steeled himself against a repeat performance. Perhaps it helped that he'd had years of practice.

3. It was the first time that Lee's parents had been in the same room in years. The wake began civilly enough, but despite Lee's efforts, his mother had been drinking since dawn, ignoring his appeal to respect Zak's memory. The bitter part of him thinks that he shouldn't have expected any better--if she couldn't respect her son while he was alive, why would his death change anything? Lee knew they were in for trouble when his father took the floor, tapping the side of his glass for attention. And soon enough, his mother's calling out from the corner, interrupting his father's sober words. Zak's friends glance at one another awkwardly and Lee can't stop the flush that rushes into his cheeks. When she staggers across the room, he leaps forward, reaching her in time to catch her as she staggers. He escorts her home: she screams bitter words at her ex-husband as they exit, and Lee catches Adama's disappointed stare as he glances behind him.

When Lee returns, the gathering has dwindled but his father's still there, talking to Zak's commanding officer and soaking up the sympathy no doubt. Lee swallows his anger. There's something in the very way his father moves that sets his teeth on edge. It's as if he feels he's entitled to people's attention, their sympathy, even their love. He's made the wake about him and while Lee hated seeing his mother embarrass herself in public, he sympathizes in this instance with her rage. Looking back on it now, a confrontation was inevitable. Lee hadn't planned to bring it up when he did, but he'd been seething since the report came in of Zak's accident, years of resentment about his father channelled into this new, arrow-sharp rage.

Adama moved across to Lee and put his hand on his son's shoulder. 'How's your mother, son?'

Lee jerked his shoulder to shake his father's hand from him, raised his voice and let fire a volley of vitriol. He doesn't remember the exact words but he knows the gist: ridiculous standards, pressure, never taking responsibility... It continues until Kara moves forward and touches the Admiral's arm. Lee glances at her and anger flairs in him anew to see that her expression is one of hurt and disappointment. It takes the wind out of him, and while he falters she guides his father away. Watching them leave, Lee allows himself the brief bitter thought that even now Zak's gone, she's still choosing another Adama man over him. That'd be right--anyone but Lee.

Oh my goodness, K. These are so marvelous, I love your insight into his character choices. You are a wonderful writer!

However, I'm feeling guilty because you did both -- eep! It was supposed to be either/or! But I'm incredibly grateful nevertheless.

All of the post-RS ones are just gut-wrenching, but this might be my favorite part:

How could he explain this to anyone? Kara was the only person he might have been able to tell, but when he attempted it, he had seen in her eyes that she didn't understand. That door had closed: she was dismissive of his 'space walk' now, joking about something that made her uncomfortable. He'd been wrong to burden anyone with that. He should know to keep his own counsel on these things by now. The knot thickens.

This part especially breaks my heart because I can see him interpreting things that way, whereas I'm writing from Kara's POV and I think she feels both frightened by his remarks and really helpless at knowing how to deal with them, so she does the best she can, quickly addressing the surface issue (I let you down/Look, it was fine, it turns out I didn't need your help anyway) -- and later realizes that she really messed up, there, when Lee retreats more and more into himself and becomes unreachable. Sniff.

I'll be back later to post on the rest, but wow. So much wow. Thank you so much for these. (And thanks again for the sasa_hq pimpin'! I knew that a UB meta by wisteria_ would trigger some awesome discussion!)

It was supposed to be either/or! But I'm incredibly grateful nevertheless.Yay! *hugs* Please don't worry--I thought both prompts were so interesting once I started mulling them over, I couldn't choose between them. I wanted to write Zak's funeral and I wanted to write the post-RS stuff, so I just did both.

she does the best she can, quickly addressing the surface issue (I let you down/Look, it was fine, it turns out I didn't need your help anyway) -- and later realizes that she really messed upOhh, I know Kara did the best she could! It's funny writing from Lee's pov because I had to completely ignore Kara--not just my usual cluelessness regarding her, but Lee's limited view of her. I was never sure if Kara knew she'd messed up with him, but it sounds like the piece you're writing is really interesting and a sympathetic view of her.

I am awed by the awesome of these. I love how you dig down deep into Lee's head to offer some brilliant insights.

So many don't or won't see past the surface with him, which seems so unfair considering how many seem to be able to do so with Kara. In fairness to her, she IS much more external than Lee...but...there's so much going on with him that many choose to ignore.

I love getting inside his mind and what you've created here makes the picture that much easier to see.

Wow, thank you! I'm really touched by your feedback as I know you understand his character very well.

So many don't or won't see past the surface with him, which seems so unfair considering how many seem to be able to do so with KaraI feel that too. He is harder work than Kara in many ways (though I'm personally baffled by her quite often!), but I'm still surprised so many people skim past him, because, as you say, there is so much going on there. Such complex characters are still rare enough on television to feel precious to me.

especially the one about Zak's funeral--that one made me feel *so* bad for him.I really wanted to write that one. I wasn't sure it would be very sympathetic though, since I can't help feeling for Kara in that scene, actually. She was holding the truth about the events leading up to Zak's death to herself and I can imagine her taking Lee's words personally and torturing herself twice over--that she was responsible for the grief in the family and then for their implosion as well. But I'm totally glad it did work as sympathetic to Lee, because lots of people seem to dismiss his anger at his father in the mini series as over-the-top, but I think it speaks not just about Zak's death but their whole history and dynamic.

It was an interesting exercise and I did enjoy it, but I'm still chronically uncomfortable with creative writing. I'm delighted you got a kick out of them though. I very nearly filtered it to Denise alone, but then decided I shouldn't be so feardie. *g*

You're such a great writer! The '3 times he loses control' section needs to be canon. It makes perfect sense. In fact, it's now canon in my head. Slight sidenote: I really wish the show's writers would bring Zak into things more. By not mentioning him, the writers have made him the elephant in the room and I'm not sure that's intentional? Thank the gods for meta-goddesses such as yourself to fill in those gaps!

*bounces* You liked! Whee! I'm delighted the 'loses control' ones worked for you. Two came to me straight away--the Kara one was a stretch.

And I agree about Zak. I think they mentioned him ONCE in S3? Grr! Not good enough, writers! They may have forgotten but I know JB mentions Zak in interviews and he's clearly an important part of Lee's psychological landscape and Kara's.

Came here from Wisteria. These are all fantastic, you have great insight into Lee and what makes him tick. I especially liked the Dee one, I could imagine him being relieved at finding someone who doesn't seem to want anything other than his presence.

Hi, you don't know me - I wandered into your LJ from sasa_hq, but I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading these. Lee is my favourite character in BSG (I find him fascinating because there's so much going on under the surface with him) and you get below that surface so well here.

I particularly enjoyed the three about Lee losing control - I loved how you brought Kara into the funeral scene and Lee thought she was taking Bill's side. And the bit in the second one where he's staring up at the stars and thinking it's easier up there.

I found the one about Dee interesting, you made a good case about why Lee is attracted to her, particularly this bit "it was a relief to relax and trust someone else for once." which just made me feel so sad for him.

The one thing about all of them that particularly struck me is the sense of how alone Lee is - from the childhood Lee feeling he has to be the responsible one who isn't allowed to mess up or let go to the older Lee after the Blackbird who really has no-one to confide in about his depression. I think this is partially his own fault, because he deliberately keeps his distance from other people, but that again probably stems back to his childhood and having to depend on himself because of parental failures.

Oh, thank you for the thoughtful reply! Lee is my favourite character as well, as you can probably guess. :-) I was really nervous posting these so I'm doubly pleased that they worked for people.

"it was a relief to relax and trust someone else for once." which just made me feel so sad for him.I have this sense that after the Blackbird Lee really needed to 'let go' in some way. He's wound up so tight most of the time and it creates so much pressure inside him--he piles pressure on himself by having such high standards. But he realised what a relief it was to let go of all of that, and I think in some way his relationship with Dee echoes that need. Once he realises that he's 'enough' with her, he sort of sinks into that comfort. It's not very flattering to Dee since it's not really about her as an individual; it's more about what she offers him.

I think this is partially his own fault, because he deliberately keeps his distance from other people, but that again probably stems back to his childhood and having to depend on himself because of parental failures.Yes. I think he's well crafted as a character because you can trace the reasons why he is the way he is, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. He's an adult now--he's responsible for his own well-being, but it's so human to still be trapped by your childhood conditioning. Lee is harder on himself than on anyone else and he doesn't see how counterproductive this is--in his mind he's driving himself to be a better person, though sometimes it in fact has the opposite result.

hey there bop!Thought I'd pop over and say hi, since we did that kinda incognito friending thing at SASA, but haven't really talked... so hi! :)

Had a quick look at your personal post... and hey! fellow aussie! always good to even up the numbers a little :)I would like to promote better understanding of mental illness in our community and fight discrimination.-- WORD, sister!I do martial arts (tae kwon-do until a year ago when I got the first-dan restlessness - I recently started kung fu)wow, you've reached your first dan and beyond... much respect. :) I did zen do kai for a year and a bit before I stopped from lack of time, and I loved it - but I know how absolutely full on it gets as you reach those higher levels, so good on you!Yay for spuffy - spuffy owned me for a while there (long before lj) - I don't know why I always go for the dysfunctional ones! Can't say I'm at all into Smallville, fandom or otherwise.

And I've got to say (especially since I'm commenting to this particular post), I'm really kinda in awe of your writing. :)I especially love those first three snippets because you show such insight into Lee, but in such original ways. I don't know if that's because I'm used to reading Lee meta/fic, where we analyse his every action as meaning something about his relationship with kara. And it took me a couple of readings to accustom myself to the idea, in #1, that maybe kara DIDN'T 'get' him as much as I thought she did. And in #3, that maybe his relationship with Dee DID give him something that he needed at that point in time.

He'd been wrong to burden anyone with that. He should know to keep his own counsel on these things by now. The knot thickens.-- this made my breath catch. Such understaed pain. oh LEE. :(

And I have to say it was a nice change to look at one of these charaters from a non-shippy angle, because as much as I forget sometimes, their every action does NOT always have something to do with pilot love! (hard to keep in mind, I know ;))

So I take it you are first and foremost a Lee girl?? :) I am (mostly) one myself too, though I adore kara with the strength of a thousand suns! It is Lee that I can identify the most with, I think, the only one whose head I can get into when writing (the only one until kara decided to make her presence known recently, anyway!)... and I think it's because I identify with Lee, that I adore kara so much. Or maybe I've just spent too much time thinking about pilots all together. lol!

since we did that kinda incognito friending thing at SASA, but haven't really talked... Hee! So true! We're like kids sidling up to one another at the nibbles table at a party! *g*

Fellow Aussie?! I hadn't clued to that! YAY! It be rare. *g*

did zen do kai for a year and a bit before I stopped from lack of time, and I loved it - but I know how absolutely full on it gets as you reach those higher levels, so good on you!Thank you! I did find martial arts incredibly rewarding. I never imagined I would get to first dan. It was definitely a case of just keeping on turning up to training--repetition is so important--and then eventually I just sort of found myself at that level. *g* I still haven't resolved my first dan restlessness. I did kung fu for a while but couldn't get into it--I still don't quite know what's happening on that journey, but regardless it's one of the best things I've ever done.

I don't know why I always go for the dysfunctional ones! Oh, I feel for you! I always go for them too. *g*

So I take it you are first and foremost a Lee girl?? Hee! Totally, utterly and completely. Yes. *g* It's good to meet another Lee fan--it does seem like we all find it easier to get into one of their heads or the other. Personally I find it very hard to understand Kara instinctively. Were it not for the fact that my RL best friend was very firmly a Kara fan and we watched the first season and a half together, I'd have no clue. We had a lot of arguments, but she helped me understand Kara and I (think I) helped her understand Lee.

I think it's because I identify with Lee, that I adore kara so much.Yeah, I know that feeling too! *g* After all, he's her number #1 fan. ;-)

Thanks for the thoughtful response on my pieces--I'm touched! And yes, I really enjoy looking at Lee as a whole character in his own right, not just in relation to Kara. I think he often gets defined by the ship--recently I went looking for Lee character vids and there are hardly any. There are heaps of Kara vids, but Lee just gets a lot of shipper vidding. Which is FAB, of course! But he's got a lot more to him than that.

it took me a couple of readings to accustom myself to the idea, in #1, that maybe kara DIDN'T 'get' him as much as I thought she did. And in #3, that maybe his relationship with Dee DID give him something that he needed at that point in time.I'm flattered (and impressed) you made the effort with that! I know neither may be popular ideas from a shipper perspective, but believe me, Pilots own my heart but I don't like to dismiss what we see on the show and those pieces are representative of my personal 'fanon' on what's going on with him at that time. I definitely can see why Dee was a comfort to him at that time, and why he felt so distant from Kara. I think he thought he was making a good choice with Dee, but as Katie points out below, that was tragically misguided.

Oh K these are all so lovely and angsty and...ugh. It never ceases to amazing me just how much you "get" Lee.

I thought #3, the one with Dee is so so sad because it's not true, he's not enough. The image of Lee Dee has in her head is enough; the Lee who is much more his father, much more self-assured, much more the hot Viper pilot...that Lee is enough, but Lee, the real Lee isn't enough and it's so freakin tragic. Because he did grab onto Dee in a form of desperation. He did kind of view her as someone who loved him for him, someone who needs him and who would accept him as he was and wouldn't force him or push him or ride him like Kara or even his father. But it's a lie on both their parts, even if the affection is genuine. And it's just so sad.

And then this Lee stood between the two of them for a moment waiting for someone to take charge. And then it dawned on him that there was no-one but him. He'd known that already, in theory. He'd been trying to be the man of the house. But there was a difference between knowing something and experiencing it... this is perfect...such a believable scenario for a young Lee who knows he's the man of the house but who hasn't quite grasped what that really means.

Lee glances at her and anger flairs in him anew to see that her expression is one of hurt and disappointment.

Taking this from Kara's POV and what Lee doesn't realize is that she's hearing him say those things to his father that she believes he should be saying to her which is why she goes to Adama instead of Lee. *sigh* Poor Lee, she didn't choose another Adama over you, at least not in the way you think.

the one with Dee is so so sad because it's not true, he's not enough*nods* It's interesting--I've been thinking recently about how Dee held Adama's hand when he was shot and how she loves playing the devoted daughter. It's not so different from her relationship with Lee--there's so much transference there. It comes from her heart, I'm sure, but that just goes to show how misguided love can be sometimes. Because as you say, it's not really about the real Lee--it's about the dynamic between them, which Lee responds to because it fills an emotional void for him.

Taking this from Kara's POV and what Lee doesn't realize is that she's hearing him say those things to his father that she believes he should be saying to her Yeah, I really feel sorry for Kara in that scene. (But I couldn't say that in Lee's POV of course--so I'm glad people spotted it.) Of course Lee has no idea, but she would have taken his words to heart.