Sunday, May 22, 2011

We Apologize for the Convenience: Special Edition

A Comprehensive Guide to Shopping: For the Woman at the Center of the Universe.

It has become apparent from people I have conversed with over the last several years that customer service people are out to trick you. It is my understanding that normal humans hate special people like you.

They are jealous of your looks, money, husband, sense of style, how big your teeth are, how small your dog is, how many bathrooms you have in your house, you name it. They know you are better than them and they don't like it. As a result they do things in stores- things most people don't even now about or notice- just to stop you from being happy and getting all of the most special things- things you deserve at very low prices.

Well grab you Juicy Couture clutch and tiny dog and start shopping with confidence, because now you've got the inside scoop on how to get the best of a system designed to stop you from having everything you deserve. And remember: you always deserve better than everyone else.

- Prices: The pricing system is designed to fool you. They want to trick you into paying more for things than they are actually worth. But if you really pay attention you can see how it works....

You will notice that there are signs posted directly in front of each kind of towel with a list of prices. These prices are in fact for the towels they are directly in front of. They are not the prices for the section of towels on the opposite wall, the special ones you saw advertised on TV, or the set of shelves you saw in aisle 6. I know, it's craziness right?! Who could have possibly thought up this confusing system?

- Size: Ever noticed how these towels are folded up so you can't see the whole thing? How are you supposed to tell if all the towels you're picking out are the same? How much time have you spent unfolding every single towel in the area just to make sure they will all look the same on your silver plated towel bar at home, all the while knowing the employees are cackling in their meth house/break-room over successfully making you late for your pedicure?

Here's a super secret time saving tip for you: The sizes listed on the sign in front of the towels is the actual size of the towels! So it turns out there is no need to unfold every single towel in that section to verify that they are the same size! These towels are not handmade by some lazy old Indonesian woman with a set of crochet hooks and bad eyesight- they're stamped out in a factory and inspected individually by a convicted felon whose only job is to make sure that every towel in your house is the exact same size! Isn't that a relief?

-Organization: Just to throw you off, these towels are all organized by type rather than from least special to most special. That is to say, the towel in front is the same as the towel at the very back of the shelf directly behind it. So it's safe to assume that if you don't like the towel on the front of the shelf, you probably won't be happy with the one behind it, or the one behind that one, or the one behind that one.

"It all seems too easy." you say. "What's to stop someone from hiding the towel of my dreams at the back of the row, safely concealed behind all the mundane towels only fit for regular people?"

Well I'm going to let you in on a well kept secret in the retail business- None of these employees know how special you are! To them, you're just an average customer out shopping for towels for your less than spectacular abode. Because they don't recognize you, they didn't hide those "special people only" towels from you out of jealousy and spite.

"How can they NOT tell how special I am?" you ask? Well let's just say what you've heard about retail employees is true. I know, you don't want to think it- it's sad and above all inconvenient for you, but I'm about to confirm all of your suspicions:

They are dumb.

You knew it all along right? Of course you did! That's why you have to talk so slowly to them, and explain their own coupon policies to them. They are like sad little children who don't know how to price things or complete the return of your used toilet brush without a hassle. They also can't do math nearly as well as you can they? When you calculate 20% off in your head it's radically different than what they claim it should be!

"So how can I win?" you cry!

It's easy! The key is to interact with them as little as possible. As long as you don't draw attention to yourself they won't recognize you as a special person. Now that you have these inside tips on how their secret little system works, you won't have to try to force one of them to explain it to you. You can just waltz in there and pick out those "special people" towels right off the shelf because those sad little employees never had time to hide them from you!

This completes the towel section of our guide. We'll be back soon with the inside scoop on everything you need to know about shopping for your special home. Join us in discussing topics such as:

-A Conspiracy in disappointment:How to tell if the duvet cover inside the package really looks like the picture on the front.

- Why hand mixers have an on/off switch-and how to successfully operate it.

@David Johnson, Thanks! I appreciate feedback from strangers, they are more honest. I mean I like it when my friends say I'm funny, but there's always this suspicion in the back of my mind that they just don't want to make me sad. Like when I was 8 and everyone said "Oh sure honey I think you would make a wonderful ballerina!"

About Me

I'm a college student and expert in all things caffeinated. In my spare time I run, have deep philosophical conversations with my cat, and google various medical conditions until I'm convinced I have one. I used to have other pastimes but had to give them up when a friend informed me that "judging others" does not count as a hobby. I also clean houses, sell Advocare, and work for a giant company where my official job title is "Corporate Drone".