Working Mum's, Real Life, Real Issues, Real People

Depression Sucks!

by helenturley2013 on September 9, 2013

Every now and again it rears it’s ugly head, biting you right in the ass! I like the above image as it encapsulates exactly how I feel……

I’m no misery – I love life. Life is full of wonderful joys such as my children, my husband, family and friends. I have an awesome business that is growing day by day and a lovely home where I feel safe and secure. So why are there periods in my life like now where that silly black ghoolish thing in the above picture seems to hang over me laughing? I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be sociable. I don’t want to put make up on and walk to the school gates and I feel completely exhausted, I shake on a morning like an alcoholic and my head feels like it is home to a fresh ball of cotton wool. In reality, I do get out of bed because I have to – my children need me. I talk because if I don’t I would be miserable 24/7 during these down periods. I don’t always put my make up on but I do make it to the school gates where I smile and make small talk because I have to. I need to – if I don’t it is just another self-indulgent excuse to be miserable! Feeling exhausted is down to the butterflies that live in a ball in my stomach and I guess it’s this tiredness that leads to ‘fuzzy head’ syndrome. Since I have accepted my condition (which is in fact more anxiety that leads to a slight depression) I do find it easier to cope with the low points (that and the copious amounts of prozac)!

Frequently! But it’s ok….. Darren, the children and my family help me find myself once again.

– Far fetched and extremely self-indulgent but also very true, very real feelings when bad days hit.

Times like now I can sit and stare at my PC for ages and during this time I am telling myself what a bad parent I am. I am goading myself for not completing all the tasks for the business I should have done. I feel sad because the house looks a mess (we are decorating so everything is upside down). I feel sad because I want everyone else to be happy – ALL THE TIME! The list goes on but the depression does not. It does lift but only because I want it to. I no longer wish it to go away. I no longer look for cures and ways to be happy 100% of the time. Instead I accept what I have and deal with it every which way possible and that’s what makes me smile again – knowing that I have the strength to ‘get up and carry on’.

My husband and friends remind me of this diagnosis frequently. “Yes Helen but you are bonkers – and that’s what makes you who you are”! I guess they are right. In a bid to better myself during the lulls I allow no more than 90 minutes on a morning of moping. This is the time where I sit and ponder, worry, chastise and play out every possible ‘what if’ scenario for the various aspects of my life. During this 90 minutes I sit, drink tea, shower, then put my face on, dry my hair and confront the world (via internet)!

It’s hard. It’s self-indulgent. It makes me sad. It makes others sad but it’s me and I cope. I cope better every day and more importantly I plod on. I think this bout won’t last too long anyway – I have figured out where it has come from………

GARY!!!! He must have contained some of my happy! For those of you that don’t know, Gary was my pet ‘wrist lump’ (aka Ganglion – awful word) and he was recently removed! I guess I just miss Gary!