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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Sealed For Your Protection

I bet if I were to show this
Adrian Beltre card to someone who knew not a whit about sports cards, I could
really convince them that it’s a freaking out of this world find, and I could do it without technically lying.

Here’s what I’d say:

“Psst.Come over here." I'd whisper this and look around like I didn't want to get caught. "I have GOT to show you something I got the
other day from this place I know about on the internet." That sounds more edgy than saying I got it off eBay.

"You know much about high end baseball cards? No? Well, you know how they usually put baseball cards
in packs and people open them up and sort through them?"

At this point my prey would be a little confused, yet comforted by by my expertise on the subject matter. I'd continue, "Check this $^#)% out." Cursing would emphasize the magnitude of what I was showing.

Here is where I pull out the
Beltre Card and take another look around to make sure no one was watching.

"This sucker was printed and sealed
in a resin based case right off the press and has never, ever been touched by human hands as far as anyone knows.I don’t even know how it got out in
public to be honest with you." I'd let my prey take in the card for a moment before I continued.

"They even put a holographic seal
on it to indicate the card hasn’t been tampered with.And here’s the crazy part-they only made 250 of these! " I'd flip the card over and show the gold stamped print run.

"That’s like saying only 5 people per state could get one of these.You have better
chances of getting hit by lighting than finding one! " I'd stare intently at my prey for a moment and let that staggering fact sink in.

"And I don’t know if you follow baseball or
not, but this Beltre guy doesn’t even play for the Dodgers.He plays for the Rangers! But it SHOWS him in a Dodger uniform. I know these card companies use photoshop sometimes." This helps suggest that this is a rare error card, yet I don't actually lie and state that it is.

"I wouldn’t even know where to begin guessing
the value of this.I don’t even think
it’s in one of those price guides they put out. “

And now I begin to toy with my prey.

“Sell it?I don’t know…. I was lucky to get one myself.
“

Oh, this is too easy.

“$100?Come on.It’s got a holographic seal!That’s impossible to counterfeit so you know this is authentic.”

Check. And mate.

“$200?Jeez.(sigh) You really want this don’t you?I guess I’ddo $250, but I swear to
god you are going to owe me a favor someday.”

I just made $250 boys and girls. And that, kids, is how it's done. I'm bowing to you right now and accepting your applause with great humility.