Spoof news stories from Saturday 30 January 2010

Having recently declared that carbon dioxide poses a threat to human health and welfare, the Environmental Protection Agency took its first regulatory action today to limit CO2 emissions by outlawing carbonated beer. "We understand that this may not...

NEW MADRID, Missouri - President Barack Obama was in New Madrid addressing the Missouri Federation of Mule Breeders.
He stressed to the convention goers the importance of making sure that our children and their children continue to take advantage...

London - (Offside Mess): She's a luscious, silken-bodied French underwear model; he's captain of Chelsea and England - and worth a bob or two.
But is this silly shagging caper really the new Tiger Woods?
As the UK tabloids pitch for a slice o...

The State of Arkansas recently announced plans to spend millions on projects involving education, construction, and social work to help "clean up" the state for tourism.
This is partially being done so that the state can follow the current administrations motto of "Change" (even though most folks in the state think that change is what you got in your pocket to use in the soda machine to get a c...

Dear Spoof:
Have you seen me lately? I'm feisty! That's the word I'd use, feisty! I don't give up, and I'm not going away. Come to the White House and I'll kick your butt at X-Box. That's right, I talk trash too!
Deal with it,
Barack "B-Money" Obama (Prez!)
Dear Mr. Spoof:
Have you seen the remote? Oh, it's here in my hand. Land o' Goshen! Come down to Texas and eat one of my cow...

Morose sat in his home drinking whisky and listening to Verdi's 'Tutti Frutti Butti Call' opera, wondering why someone had come up with a good idea for a parody of his police career but had then ruined it by filling it up with adolescent drivel.
'Probably an adolescent', he deduced, and raised his glass to the portrait of Sherlock Holmes that had been hanged on his wall in 1887 for stealing a t...

Lots of talentless nobodies that rely on the media to be famous and to sell their 'music' to the public today announced they were going to inflict a version of the REM song 'Nobodies Hurt Our Ears' on the public in aid of their own self-publicity. Th...

I guess it's hard trying to be amusing or interesting, but let me just describe my interesting day to surely interest you all.
I live in a single-cell brain where writing this makes me feel almost intelligent, almost as much as a US President. Only joking, a drug-addicted alcoholic baboon could be the President of the USA, and already has been.
No, what I want to drone on about over and over...

Downing Street, LONDON: At Gordon Brown's monthly Downing Street news conference, Mr Brown issued a warning over football finances by saying some club debts are "too high" and urged owners and managers to consider the supporters.
"It is a matter...

Heavy reality has returned to parts of Britain, causing disruption to motorists and forcing the cancellation of some sports fixtures.
Drivers had to battle icy truth and road closures as the reality that man made global warming is a lie hit parts...

Today Rush Limbaugh, outspoken critic of everything that is not conservative Republican, accepted a role in a movie. The title of the film is "The Adventures of a Sky Pirate" in which he plays the leader of a gang of criminals who use special aircraf...

A new opinion poll has bad news for lame duck Labour Leader Gordon Brown, writes Political Editor Jeff Bastard.
Ailing ugly introvert Brown could only stumble to 12th and last place in the latest poll published yesterday by Life In England Surveys...

HATTIESBURG, Mississippi - Elin Nordegren traveled to the Delta state to visit her husband, Tiger Woods, who is in rehab to cure him of Dickaliticus, which is the inherent urge to try and poke every white female of pokeable age.
Elin, who still an...

The most famous race on the Formula 1 calendar, the Monaco Grand Prix, has had many memorable moments since first being staged in 1929. This year Toyota will be entering a team for the first time using a stock four cylinder Corolla model.
The Toyo...

General Motors Corporation tauted the immediate release of it newest line of high tech vehicles designed for the increasing complex demands of the environmentally conscious consumer and new federal green technologies regulations.
According to a...

It was a dark and stormy night, Roger Federer's wife had just put their baby down after a late night feeding. Roger was walking through the living room of their Melbourne time share in the dark when he felt something furry under his foot. A loud yowl...

'Gone With The Windbag' opened today in America, and critics instantly hailed it as a classic. 'It's a classic', said Jim Jimbob the Fourtieth, 'lotsa classic twists and very unusual twists, man.' And another critic - Billary Shrillery - also said 'It's a classical classic.'
'It's the movie we've all been waiting for ever since the 40somethingth President of the USA shagged his intern while I s...

President Obama has agreed to, further study, of a potential prison reform idea. John Q. Wyattly, Commissioner of the Federal Prison Reform committee made the proposal to the President early this morning.
The controversial reform would not only...

A government policy which aims to alleviate homelessness by encouraging members of the public to befriend hobo's has been branded 'a load of shite' by a group of men in white coats.
The 'Bum'Chum' scheme was being pushed as a new way of involving...

Please do not read this unless you have read this amazing story from the start
Well, dear reader, you're looking very nice today! What's that you're wearing? Come on, take them off! Here, I'll help you. That's it. Now come over here, just bend over. Yes just like that. Now. Oh yes, that's good. You like that don't you. What's the matter, have you never been violated by a narrator before? Oh yes...

This week I had the rather dubious pleasure of visiting Soviet Gribblethorpe, a northern ex-mining town previously known as Gribblethorpe. It changed its name about a year ago after locals elected Communist councillors, who promptly decided to change the way the whole community was run.
Private property was confiscated, all industry was "collectivised", and the world watched to see if the expe...

In a shock move, environmentalists have appointed Osama Bin Laden their new leader, after the fanatical terrorist made comments about how the US is to blame for climate change.
Bin Laden said, "All industrial nations, mainly the big ones, are resp...

Things can't get much better for Aldershot's favourite undefeated, but quite often defeated cage fighter right now. Riding on the back of his crushing defeat of the likes of Stephanie Beacham and Basshunter to become the winner of Celebrity Big Bro...

An animal rights group is demanding that no more live animals be used in Holiday celebrations. They say it is cruel to make a spectacle of a basically peaceful animal.
But Bill Murray, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog C...

In his first big time role in advertisement, where people such as Michael Jordan, Peyton Manning and others have made a fortune, Robert Pattinson of the Twilight movies is about to sign a contract with Madison Avenue Cosmetics for their new line of "...

Top girl band the Bonkettes today announced that they are contracted to perform a series of shows at the Moorview Institute here in Springfield Illinois after a post Christmas hiatus brought about by contractual wrangles, sex scandals, rehab sessions...

After the resounding success of Avatar in 3D the first 3D porno film is about to be "ejaculated" upon the world.
Tino Brass, Italien director of flop Caligula is making a 3D porno version of the film. In its original it was plain porno, now with 3...

Leisure industry bosses were today puffing out their chests with pride and struggling to keep up with counting the dollars as The Moorview Institute in Springfield, Illinois officially became the world's hottest tourist destination.
Readers of an...

The European Human Rights campaigner Noel Fielding has called for the Nation to fight for its rights to wear pyjamas. Not just in Tesco, but anywhere they want. He revealed this new campaign at a Press conference in Brussels and says he will die fo...

And so it came to pass that Alex "Rocky" Reid bucked the odds during his time in the CBB house, turned the jeers into cheers, and emerged victorious into the loving arms of partner, Katie Price.
Yet despite all the hullaballoo and the hype, the ho...

A recent summarizing report from the New York Restaurant Inspection Bureau revealed the following:
OOPS! Dropped That One!
The first thing every one of them want to keep secret is that when a plate tips or flips, the contents come right up off...

Hamid Mohamid, spokesman for the Taliban in Helmand today gave an interview to our reporter concerning the armed groups seizure of The Best Western Hotel by force two days ago.
We were forced into action after using all of our mobile phone credit...

So Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, the testosterone driven french tennis player, who came into limelight sometime last year after beating Rafael Nadal in the semi finals of the Australian Open seems to have exposed his secret of success.
After days/months of...

Male shoppers in a Huddersfield supermarket were given an unexpected treat yesterday morning when local Miss Whiplash, real name Marjory Coriander led a gang of dominatrixes dressed in full on kinky mode in a protest shop over supermarket dress codes...

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was delighted last night when wife Anne turned up at his workplace in the family E-Baymobile to give him a lift home after a gruelling twelve hour shift, a gesture which negated the horrible necessity of waiting around...

Observers report that the dress rehearsal for the 23-year-old Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta and the 62-year-old Reginald Kenneth Dwight went quite smoothly.
At first the performers were quite formal with each other, so the form of address...

Serena "Monster Mouth" Williams famous for threatening tirades on the court, has filed a formal "Unfair Competition" complaint with the WTA, alleging Australian Open finalist Justine Henin is "way to fast because she doesn't have to pack any boobs ar...

KALAMAZOO, Michigan - Miley Cyrus brought her Smiley Miley Winter Tour to The Millard Fillmore Convention Center in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
The weather was horrible and she asked what the temperature was. When told that it was 2 degrees with a wind...

Initially photographed at the first of many revealing appearances on Britney's "Circus of Fleas" concert tour, the smaller than a Bumble Bee micro-performers were seen swarming and jumping from the stripper's fully exposed snatch during her frequent...

CAIRO - Osama Bin Laden has finally surfaced and he is certainly in fine form. He has gained back about 13 of the 20 pounds he lost while hiding like a deranged rat in caves of Pakistan, India, Nepal, Bangladesh, and Finland.
The 6 foot 6 inch Bin...

Albert Larson was arrested today after lecturing at Nowhere Important University. The charges came after he went too far with three female University students when he engaged them in a conservative conversation.
Larson was arrested around 3:00 p.

Jon Gosselin wants more children-Yes, it does seem unbelievable that a man who has eight children at present would like more to add to his already over crowded household.
However, Jon let it be known that he has contacted another person who is als...

After a year of struggling with what it means for a corporation to "go green", the Securities and Exchange Commission has finally announced its new "Corporate Green Initiative" in the form of 1500 pages of new regulations. According to SEC Chairman...

Highest Bidder in Online Auction Site -has confirmed that he will pay and unknown seller the amount of one million, six hundred dollars and 42 cents for the chance to be the first person to penetrate the Earth's atmosphere without help of a rocket.

President Obama was asked in a CNN interview today what it would take now to get his important programs enacted after the failure of his health care reform and shocking democratic election losses in Virginia, New Jersey and even Massachusetts.
"I...

It hit him like a bolt of lightning. Squidward Tentacles was visited today by someone pounding on his door and this time it wasn't Spongebob. It was instead Ed MacClam from the Publisher's Sweepinghouse Contest and his "Prize People" delievering a gi...

The Grammy Awards are here already. Can you believe it? Seems like yesterday that Chris Brown was freaking out on Rihanna but maybe both will be there this year.
"I will", stated a smiling Rihanna, as she appeared recently on the Ellen DeGeneres S...

In his first public appearance in fifteen months, Fat Albert waddled out to the podium to speak. He cleared his throat and said we, the press, would more easily understand if he showed us what he needed us to know. He stepped away from the podium, ya...