8/4/14 – I Must Be Codependent

She is on a flight, and I’m the one reaching out to her and the kids. Unlike her sisters wedding, she has the kids and doesn’t need to reach out to me for comfort on her flight alone. We have also been fighting over the kids last month which has made things more contentious between us and it is becoming more obvious that she is now using the kids to satisfy her fear of being alone.

She is also with her mom (whom she has trashed me to during her distortion campaign) so she waits until she isn’t around them to text me. I know she is having a hard time with the travel. Son has had a couple of meltdowns (one on the plane after landing since it takes a little while to deplane), and I know that she loves her mom but there isn’t a closeness there especially when she is with her step-father. The text before flight was “we’re on the plane…thank god!” When she finally texts me back afterwards it’s about his meltdown on the plane.

When I talk with her tonight after the kids FaceTime she is exasperated and alternating between the words “I’m fine” and “I’m tired” and facial expressions of “I can’t take it anymore.” There is a constant flux of telling the kids she will be there in a minute – closing the eyes with a deep breath – pinching of the bridge of the nose – rubbing of the eyes. I was never one to take time to read nonverbal cues, but with a BPD (especially Hunter) words are almost worthless and gestures are much more accurate. Those are things that she has not learned to control. I’m sure that is what Chris was good at which was why he was able to con her into the affair. Everything she wrote says he was hitting on her, and making him her best friend for months before she went for it.

I wish I could life all over again. Not to get Hunter back. I’m sure no matter who she married she would have ended up doing the same thing. It’s just part of her personality disorder. It’s just I am so late to learning these things that I wish I would have learned these in junior high school and my life would have been a lot easier. The worst part is my son will never be able to understand what I am learning, and my daughter will most likely end up like Hunter and will ultimately use these things against her prey. Besides she is better at this stuff at 3 than I am (or most people for that matter) than I will may ever be. I’m guessing Hunter also had this ability as a little girl too, except Hunter was never extroverted like my daughter. Maybe they won’t end up the same way.

I was reading a support blog for men who are separating from a BPD partner. It totally called me out on the depressed mom, trying to helper, and being completely attracted to people who need help. It’s always been my biggest issue. Whenever I was attracted to a normal girl I would be too afraid to approach. When they were fucked up it was easy. Crazy is easy to approach. Normal is tough. I will need to fix that before I do this again.

I know there is no way we will ever get back together. I’m haven’t emotionally come to terms with it, but I know I need to. Maybe my sister is right and I have become codependent. I’ll find out next week when I start codependent support group. At least there maybe I can get some help. I certainly need it.