Eat Krow: Star Wars

To annoy the crap out of his loved ones with observations during their favorite things, completely sucking the fun out of the moment (for them, I find myself amusing). Thanks to the “magic” of the internet, this can now be brought directly to your eyeballs. Behold as I try my best to tear down the things many of you love as well. Hurray?!?

First I need to acknowledge something I laid out in the very beginning of this series (last year). A lot of the things I rip on, I’m a fan of. As stupid as Frosty and Rudolph are, there’s still plenty of charm. Even if Santa is a bigot. That applies more than ever here, as I’m a huge Star Wars fan. But…

Star Wars has a lot of easy targets for critics. Dialogue. Casting (particularly in Episodes I-III). Acting. As in, “performances SOOOO BAD that they tarnish the legacy of a mass child murderer.” Acting performances SOOOO bad that I refuse to name the person I’m talking about and will refer to him henceforth as “The Actor.” Notice the quotation marks on that. F*** you Anakin! To make myself perfectly clear, I’m saying “The Actor” gave a performance that was SOOOO terrible, it tarnishes the legacy of a guy who (face to face mind you) performed mass homicide of children. So with the cheap shots off the table, let’s take some time to rant about one of the best sci-fi series of all time because, *u** you too George Lucas. AND your editing “The Actor” into the end of Return of the Jedi.

Obi-Wan man crush: engage

First I want to rip a little on fans who think they’re hot stuff with their “fan theories.” Only my theories lead to the status of “hot stuff,” got it? Anyway, I saw one recently that proclaimed Jar Jar was behind the scenes as the real villain. Honestly, it made a ton of sense as laid out, especially with Lucas saying that Binksy Binks is his favorite character. I would love for this to be true, but since there’s minor details missing between III and IV like “how Palpatine wrested control from Jar Jar” I’m not inclined to believe it. I also don’t have confidence in Lucas being that clever. This is too bad, because the universe still needs to give me an explanation on Gungans. I mean seriously, what the **c*? At least Ewoks were marketable.

One fan theory that got me chuckling was this long and (admittedly well written) piece about how the Jedi are actually evil and the Sith are perhaps in the right. Some great analysis but there’s one gaping problem with this “fan theory.”

Episodes I-III essentially shove the premise of a corrupted Jedi council in your face. Let’s recap. Qui Gon is super respected and supposed to be captain awesome/candidate for the council and he’s basically all “Nah, I’m good.” If one of the wisest and most respected of your order tells you to take your council and shove it, you know something ain’t quite right. Then he directly questions the wisdom of the council regarding Anakin (not that they weren’t sorta right in this case, but it shows how little he respects their opinion). This is followed by Obi-Wan questioning the same thing. Later Anakin questions the council. Then Palpatine uses this distrust between Jedi to have an easy advantage to sway Anakin to the dark. Don’t forget the council basically botches who they needed to worry about. On and on. So yeah, great “fan theory” on how the Jedi aren’t all that and a bag of chips. It’s unfortunate that this “theory” is also known as “The Plot.” Not that I would go so far as to say the Jedi are evil, Sith are good, dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria! I just think it’s painfully obvious that Lucas is conveying a fair share of “imperfections” regarding the Jedi to put it nicely.

One needs no further proof of the corruption of the Jedi order than to see the prevalence of the “rat tail.” Obi-Wan is still cool though

Speaking of the plot I’m gonna break character here and give Lucas tons of credit for the overarching story with Anakin/Vader. I’ve always loved the Jedi fascination with (and misinterpretation of) their greatest prophecy. Here’s some dialogue I made up…

Literally any Jedi because their school taught them things that are stupid and wrong: “WAAAAH…there’s too many Sith and dark sides and such. We really need this chosen one to bring balance to the force…WAAAAH”

The Force: “You know there’s like TWO Sith at any given time and a whole damn army of Jedi right?”

Then Anakin murders a crap ton of kids who were Jedi hopefuls, launches a war on the other Jedi and leaves us with: Yoda and Obi Wan on one side, The Emperor and Vader on the other.

Yup, looks pretty balanced to me. Jedi, aka “dumbasses who really aren’t very good at counting.”

So now that I’ve given my number one reason for still liking the movies (terrible Pod Races and all), let’s end on one of the worst things in the entire series. The Force. Best I can tell, The Force is either cruelty or apathy incarnate, and hardly something to base a religion/noble order on.

Let’s examine Anakin to see what I mean. Earlier I casually referenced his merciless slaughtering of children. As Darth Vader, he then goes on to live a long life of murder, genocide, and not refilling ice trays when he’s used the last cube. The end result of this is his total ascension and oneness with the universe. Y’know, the highest reward according to followers of the Force that puts him on the same pedestal as Yoda and Obi-Wan. As is hinted at (or possibly flat out told to us) the Force is believed to guide and direct existence to some extent (kinda crapping on free will a bit here). If this is true, then this means the reward for Vader’s life of unspeakable evil is INTENTIONAL. Let that sink in. His life, on the whole, has very obviously not been one of virtue. I know he helps end the Empire’s reign. And Anakin did some decent stuff in his day and was a swell guy (if only “The Actor” hadn’t ruined it all). But there’s NO WAY he should be rewarded on the same level as Kenobi! Love me some Kenobi!

The only one who can beat Kenobi is…Kenobi. You might even say he went for “A-sith-ted suicide”

Skare, you’re missing the point though, you ugly jerk. By seeing Luke become the Skywalker he was destined to be, and helping to destroy the Emperor he attained peace with himself. It was through his own serenity and mastery of the Force that he ascended.

THAT’S EVEN WORSE!!! Three exclamation points worse even.

Let’s come back to this again. Anakin takes a weapon made of plasma. He makes a visit to the Academy and the Younglings. Children. And not just children. Ones he maybe knew. Ones that almost assuredly looked up to him. He was their HERO. He cuts them down ONE by ONE. Staring at each child as he snuffs out their inner light. I know this is getting pretty dark here, but I think we need to truly understand the gravity of this scene. Now think, that’s only the START of his evil. So then, we’re to believe that his force switch flips from dark to light again at the end of his life, and he finds peace with himself and ascends. I have news for anyone thinking that this is poetic. Many of the worst killers and villains in history were at peace with themselves because a lot of times they convince themselves of their righteousness. If peace of mind and mastery of the force are the two elements to the ultimate force ability (being a sweet blue ghost), it’s a safe bet there’s some pretty big meanies keeping Ol’ Yoda and Obi-Wan company. I can’t wait for Star Wars Episode X: Ghost Royal Rumble. And let’s truly examine this plot point. No matter what you do in life, if you’re powerful enough and cool with your own actions, you’ll be rewarded.

At best…at BEST…I’ll say that the Force is completely apathetic and the entire concept of morality in the Star Wars universe is therefore a farce. Back to that fan theory I ripped on, maybe I’d go so far as to say the Sith understand the nature of The Force better than the Jedi.

Alright so I lied, that wasn’t the end. I pretty much gotta address cheap deaths because, holy shit there’s some bad ones.

Boba Fett meets his end on what could probably be a winning clip on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Jango Fett fights Obi-Wan competently (see below on why this is big) but chooses to R1 spam against Mace “Siths on a Plane(t)” Windu.

It’s not really a death, but Obi-Wan takes out Anakin (who is implied to be superior in combat to just about everyone ever) because of a slight elevation difference. Sorry Anakin, he has the high ground. Guess that’s a pretty impossible situation to beat…

Just like when Obi-Wan had the high ground on Darth Maul and cut him in half. Oh…right. Obi-Wan did that crazy flip for about 19 seconds and then got him with that hella telegraphed horizontal slash. Real rule shouldn’t be about high ground, but rather “Don’t ***k with Kenobi.” But back to the death, if Darth Maul SLIGHTLY nudges his lightsaber blade over the edge of the pit, Obi-Wan either runs into it and dies or has to try to block it and then probably falls to his death. Too much to ask of a Sith to slightly move your weapon in a fight I guess.

And oh yeah, Han has to shoot first. When you have two guys who it can be assumed are highly skilled with a blaster dueling at arm’s length away, it’s either shoot first or be dead. To have Greedo shoot first and miss is preposterous. I highly doubt a respected cinematographer would have such a gaping plot hole as “bad guys have terrible accuracy at all times” in his movies.

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5 comments on “Eat Krow: Star Wars”

I think George Lucas selling the rights to Disney is the best thing that ever happened to Star Wars. George has a knack for creating a very aesthetically gritty future, and it’s great, it makes the universe that much more believable (i’m not just talking about the dice in the millennium falcon). However with the prequel trilogy he proved that the prowess of script writing, character dialogue and continuity are not his forte.

Instead of continuing with what made Star Wars so great George decided to film most of the prequel trilogy in rooms akin to a blue box in which he asked his actors to deliver unbelievable performances amidst a sleek new world done in CGI which is a complete 180° from the original films aesthetically. His scripts in the prequel trilogy contain horrendously detached dialogue with a love plot that is rather difficult to relate with. The whole concept of love being out of the realm of a Jedi’s capability feels completely strange and it along with a lot of other Jedi "facts" get shoehorned into the prequels that are not established in the 1980’s vision. Of course, this can all be explained away in some form or another, but i feel the evidence is more stacked against George’s capability as a competent director than anything else.

Ever since Disney has bought Star Wars, we have seen a resurgence of what fans have been asking for the last 20 or so years. More exploration of the Star Wars universe in film and spin off topics (Rogue One). Hints of the Original films being released without all the additions Lucas made in the 90’s-today as well as a possible Boba Fett re-visitation and revival. Disney still has a lot to deliver on it’s promises but in all it’s a great and exciting time to be a Star Wars fan.

I wholeheartedly agree Nova. I’m BARELY exaggerating when I say that I’ve seen more (both in quantity and quality) convincing performances in just the trailers for The Force Awakens than in Episodes I-III combined.

I rarely have time for theater trips these days, but am contemplating trying to figure this one out and getting there.

I’m seeing it a second time today. The movie was great, they took A New Hope and adapted it to the modern audience. I’m neutral about a few things, but the classic star wars banter is back, and so is the action. The movie did play it safe, but it’s a great tone to set for the next films. It beat all three prequel films imo and while it may not have been groundbreaking like the 1980 films it is very much classic star wars making a return.