No More Miss Nice Girl…

This post will include swearing…. lots of swearing… because to be quite honest, I’m sick and oh so tired of biting my tongue.
You see, I AM NICE. Nice is the mask I use to face the world. Making sure I am liked enough to get through the day, making sure I don’t upset anyone, and absolutely ensuring that I don’t have to deal with any confrontation. So I swallow my words, bite my tongue and for want of a less used phrase, keep calm and carry on. For a very very long time, little miss nice girl seemed to be my friend. Keeping me going, getting me friends, keeping me employed, and making sure on the surface I am a total fucking swan.
Lately though, she has not been working for me, she is now the insidious fucking bully in my life. My long necked swan is turning around and biting me in the arse.
She’s even physically fucking with me. My jaw is fixed and tight, as I literally hold onto my tongue all day long. My neck aches as I swallow my words, and my belly is a balloon full of untold stories, and unspent emotions.
Little miss nice girl, It really is time you fucked off.
The problem with you is, when most people see me, they only see you…. so when they catch a glimpse of angry, upset or pissed off, they simply can’t handle it. (And for some reason I am too afraid to show them passionate or dancing… ?)
That time I let pissed off out of the bag at work, both shocked and horrified my team. One of them (let’s call her little miss pissed off) felt so put out she felt she needed to tell me off…. For telling her off. That was somehow OK. You thanked her for her feedback… You really fucked with me there Nice Girl.
By only and always being you I have allowed myself to be bullied, ridiculed, thrown under the bus, and probably worst of all invisible…. Unacknowledged…Overlooked… Never good enough.
Yet outwardly “you are the picture of calm”… Noooooo, Under the surface I am full of rage, and love and ambition and fear… my little swan feet never stop paddling.

Nice Girl….
You see, you make me constantly search for approval, yet never feel approved of.
You are the source of my anxiety.
You are the reason I feel spent after social media, (and social occasions) constantly comparing myself, my family, my life, my business, placing my self worth in how I think all that looks next to other people’s highlights. (WTF!!?)
You hold me back, your fear of what people think puts me in freeze, stops me in my tracks.
And ALL that SHOULDING has to fucking stop!

Fuck off little miss nice girl.
Your need to be all things to all people has left nothing for me.
Fuck off little miss nice girl.
You are a liar. You tell everyone everything is OK, when sometimes it just isn’t.
And please stop trying to tell me it’s not ok to be not Ok…
Fuck off little miss nice girl…
Or…. at the very least, step back and let the others out. Passionate, pissed off, angry, assertive, joyous, dancing, sad, scared, ambitious, all of them count too. Not just you.