Tuesday, January 31, 2012

'I’m willing to bet that if you could look into each and every junkie’s past, way back into their infantile, and toddler years, we would find one consistency: Their mothers did not wipe their noses. I will bet you a quarter!'

Chicken Scratches is making its blog debut today, a product of West native Erin Cinek, a young lady who has honed her scribbling skills through hard work and a love of the language.

Do you ever notice how a common cold is basically the equivalent of the Zombie Virus? It’s contagious, it’s snotty, it makes you look undead, your voice gets all scratchy and drops about 4 octaves, you move slowly with your shuffling feet not even leaving the floor as you lurch from place to place. Your deep, loud, raspy coughs echo throughout the hallways like a death knell, causing your dangerous, germy, spores to permeate the building.

I mean, look at these two guys. Which has a cold, and which is the zombie? Besides the whole "BRRRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSS" thing, is there REALLY any difference?

The next thing you know, your co-workers become a lynch mob, wielding weapons of passive aggressive stares, loud sighs, disinfectant wipes, and repeated suggestions that “maybe you should take your sick ass to the doctor so they don’t bring this nastiness home and turn the rest of their family into zombie filth like you!”

Hoo-boy… Yes, it gets intense.

The older I get, the more aware of funk I become. I remember being in high school, helping my then boyfriend work on my car. We saw no problem with scarfing down sandwiches that had greasy, black fingerprints on the bread. “Grease? BAH! It’s only a little.” (You know, it only takes a little cyanide… Only a smidge of strychnine… Just sayin’. )

I feel kind of bad bringing up this next germy case… But it literally makes me hide my eyes and cower in the fetal position. A baby, or toddler, with two distinct, thick, green streams of snot (*WRETCH*) from each nostril down to the top lip. (*gag*) and the kid keeps LICKING THEIR TOP LIP!!!!!

At what point does a parent say, “ENOUGH! I am going to take a friggin’ tissue in my friggin’hand and wipe this kid’s face.” (*GAG!!!*)

I literally had a very difficult time typing that AND swallowing my spit. It ain’t cool. There has got to be an intervention with the child snot licking.

Other moms say, “Oh please, like I can keep that from happening…”

Oh please… DO TRY. I managed to keep it off of my child’s face.

I think the War On Child Snot Licking should be a higher priority than the war on drugs.

I’m willing to bet that if you could look into each and every junkie’s past, way back into their infantile, and toddler years, we would find one consistency: Their mothers did not wipe their noses. I will bet you a quarter!