Kim Kardashian Thinks Criticism For Her Fake Marriage Is Just Like Having Cancer

When I first heard that Kim Kardashian had an interview in The Guardian, my first reaction was to roll my eyes and just assume it was some sort of puff piece about whatever the fuck she’s shilling now. Turns out it’s loaded with enough dry British wit calling out her vapidness to make me want to bang an English muffin which I did. So if you’re looking for a good read on the Brit’s shock and horror over what the fuck we just exported to their island, give it a whirl, and in the meantime here are some highlights that include Kim equating the fallout from her fake marriage to Kris Humphries with cancer and how she truly is the Ass Darth Vader to Kris Jenner’s Whore Emperor:

On being asked why she’s famous:
“When I hear people say [what are you famous for?], I want to say, what are you talking about?” she says slowly, her eyes wide as a bushbaby’s. “I have a hit TV show. We’ve shot more episodes than I Love Lucy! We’ve been on the air longer than The Andy Griffith Show! I mean, these are iconic shows, so it blows my mind when people say that.”

On if she has any legitimate talents:
“What is my talent?” She cocks her head to one side. “Well, a bear can juggle and stand on a ball and he’s talented, but he’s not famous. Do you know what I mean?”

On how her fake marriage was just like cancer:
“Not really. We had done filming our season at that point, so we decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life [brace yourselves], like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.”

On how she’d apparently give herself cancer again because she thinks she’s the Royal Family now:
“So. Would I get married on TV again? No.” … She thinks about it for a moment. “Well, I guess you never say never. Because who knows? So many other people I know have gotten married on TV and it has worked out amazing for them.” … There is a pause. “William and Kate got married on TV,” Kardashian says thoughtfully.

On doing Playboy:
Her father would have been horrified, Kardashian says. “He would have killed me.” … But her mum? “Oh, she was all for it.”

On one day overthrowing Kris Jenner:
She actually breaks out an annoyed facial expression. “We are totally equal. She listens to what I say. She follows my lead. She works for me. I mean, on the show maybe it doesn’t come off that way…”

When reached for comment, Kris Jenner cackled and shot lightning out of her hands at Kylie until she Instagrammed a shot of herself in a bikini. Also, something about a battle station being “quite operational.”