Funny Love & Marriage Quotes

Will men and women ever truly understand each other? Probably not! Viva la difference and enjoy these funny love & marriage quotes. These quotes are also good for "roasting" a couple at an anniversary party or wedding rehearsal dinner.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off –Anon.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. –Anon.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. –Anon.

Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they want is to be a man's last romance. –Oscar Wilde

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. –Jimmy Durante

Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. –Robert A. Heinlein

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. –Will Rogers

There's two theories to arguing with a woman; neither one works. –Will Rogers

Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month. Others just go over them. –Katherine Mansfield

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Is "I do" is the longest one?" –George Carlin

Marriage isn't just spiritual communion, it's also remembering to take out the trash. –Dr. Joyce Brothers

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. –Henny Youngman

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. –Woody Allen

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts. –Jeff Foxworthy

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. –Sacha Guitry

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. –Phyllis Diller

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. –Sigmund Freud

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. –Sam Kinison

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. –H.L. Mencken

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? –Barbra Streisand

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. –Anon.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. –Ogden Nash

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. –Henny Youngman

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. –Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. –Rodney Dangerfield

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. –Hemant Joshi

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't. –James Holt McGavra

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. –Oscar Levant

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. –Minnie Pearl

Funny Marriage Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. –Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. –Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to the best woman a man ever had. The waiter joined me. –Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek—she bent over! –Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! –Rodney Dangerfield

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. –Rodney Dangerfield

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. –Rodney Dangerfield

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. –Rodney Dangerfield

A guy on his 50th wedding anniversary: "Fifty years! It's like three minutes...under water." –Anon.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. –Anon.

By now, I have figured out which buttons to push. But I still have no idea how she works. –Anon. Husband

If men swear that they want to harm you when you are asleep, you can go to sleep. If women say so, stay awake. –African Proverb

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute. –Anon.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. –Woody Allen

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. –Anon.

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. –Anon.

The Japanese have a word for it. It's Judo –the art of conquering by yielding.
The Western equivalent of judo is, 'Yes, dear.' –J. P. McEvoy

Love is the history of a woman's life; it is an episode in a man's. –Germaine De Stael

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. –Cathy Carlyle

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light. –Mark Twain

My toughest fight was with my first wife. –Muhammad Ali

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life –Rita Rudner

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. –Woody Allen

Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love. –Benjamin Disraeli

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. –Erma Bombeck

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. –Henry Kissinger

Quarrels in France strengthen a love affair, in America they end it. –Ned Rorem

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? –Barbra Streisand

There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. –Clint Eastwood

Men always want to be a woman's first love – women like to be a man's last romance. –Oscar Wilde

My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce. –Joyce Brothers

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. –Anon.

You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories. –Melanie Clark

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. –Ambrose Bierce

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. –Will Rogers

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive. –Johnny Carson

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up. –Barbara Bush

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift. –Rita Rudner

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once. –H.V. Prochnow

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. –Milton Berle

BEFORE MARRIAGE
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE
Read from the bottom going up

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. –Marcelene Cox

There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy...like nailing jelly to a tree for example. –Anon.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. –Elayne Boosler

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. –Henny Youngman

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. –Rita Rudner

A husband is a man who when someone tells him he is hen-pecked, answers, yes, but I am pecked by a good hen. –Gill Karlsen

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. –Lewis Grizzard

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me. –Jon Bon Jovi

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. –Marilyn Monroe

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. –H.L. Mencken

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. –Benjamin Disraeli

Romantic Tips & Resources

No matter what wedding anniversary gift you plan to give your wife, husband or lover, hand write a love letter. For your parents or a fave couple, write about how their love has inspired you. They'll probably love your note more than the gift!