2014-09-14

So, are you thinking about a trip to Miami Beach? Well, I wasn't really, but the movie Goldfinger was on a few days ago, and of course we all remember the iconic scenes where Bond slaps a massage girl on the ass to get her away from the "man talk", where Bond meets the beautiful Jill Masterson and uses her radio to force our villainous Auric Goldfinger to lose at gin rummy, and also where he beds her only to have Oddjob murder her and coat her in gold paint (a death which, though believed to be true at the time, can't actually happen).

Those scenes happen at a beautiful beachside hotel with nicely curved lines and outdoor pools right by the ocean. A little Google Mapping and I found it: the Fontainebleau Miami Beach on Collins Avenue, a sprawling 1504 room resort that features 12 restaurants and bars and was also featured in Sinatra's 1959 flick "A Hole in the Head". So I asked myself, if I was going to Miami Beach wouldn't I want to do it in style? Bond-style?

Just for fun, let's say that I wanted to stay there off the peak season, perhaps in late April? That's also far enough into the future that you don't start paying the "coming up soon" premium rates. So from April 20th to April 25th (during the week), you pay...

$509.17/night for the "deluxe" room. (I'm not falling for that one again!)
$542.45/night for the ocean view room.
$564.63/night for the deluxe room with a balcony.
$731.03/night for the junior suite with a bay view.

Junior suite? How much for a senior?

Oh, and wait, there's more:

HOTEL FEE
A Hotel Fee of $19.95 per day, per room (inclusive of tax) will apply to your booking. This fee includes: unlimited wired and wireless internet access in guestrooms and at the pools; Gym access and beach chairs for all registered guests in party; local dialing and toll-free calls; and newspaper daily.

Yikes, maybe next time I go to Miami Beach, I'll settle for Jason Bourne luxury rather than the James Bond kind. And don't even think about multiplying those room rates (plus hotel fee!) by 1,504 to see what their daily income could look like. Trust me, you don't feel well after looking at it.

And the James Bond massage? Costs extra, and you don't even get to spank her on the keister.