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Thursday, August 14, 2014

Dear Dudes: You can't have your cake and eat it too.

You guys may just think that Bachelor in Paradise is a cheap thrills reality TV show, but I'm here to tell you it's actually an educational program about dating dynamics. You need click here to read Sammi's recap, but the most fascinating storyline in episode two was the short-lived love affair between Elise and Dylan. Let's pretend for one minute that they are not total weirdos and find the universal truths in their forty-eight hour romance.

These two meet and instantly couple up. Elise says that if it didn't seem crazy and if a mere twenty-four hours hadn't gone by, she'd be ready to tell Dylan "I love you" (side note: she's cray cray). These two seem cute and devoted to each other, except for one minor detail:
It's all in Elise's head. (Again, see Sammi's brilliant recap).

As soon as Elise starts asking Dylan about his astrological sign (he answers scorpion), he does the classic guy move known as the backslide. He tells Elise that they should be getting to know other people in paradise and shouldn't be spending all their time together. Elise is all kinds of confused and distraught, but Dylan keeps his eye on the prize. If he's lucky, by this time tomorrow, he'll be motorboating another girl.

SO Elise, feeling a little hurt and rejected, takes Dylan's advice and makes out with another guy in the ocean while wearing a skimpy bikini that needs to be blurred out in some areas. In the morning, Dylan confronts Elise. She admits she made out with someone else, but points out Dylan said they should meet other people-- and Dylan says: I said hang out with other people, not make out with them! (NOTE: what he really meant was, I get to hook up guilt-free while you pine after me). They never get things back on track after this.

THANK YOU for sticking through this set up and back story to get to the main point of this post. DUDES: You can't have your pootang pie and eat it too.

Don't tell a woman you want to see other people or keep things loose and casual, then make her feel like she's betrayed you for taking you at face value and following directions.

I know you guys are mad evil geniuses. I know this is your way of absolving yourself of any guilt or asshole-ishness. You simply warn the girl that you may want to date other people, so she can't get mad at you when you hook up with someone else. And if she beats you to the punch and gets action first, you make her feel like she ruined any chances of a relationship with you. After all, you say, if she really liked you, she'd never take things that far with someone else. She ends up kicking herself for hooking up with the other dude and for the next fifty years wonders what could have happened between you guys if she could have only controlled her urges.

Holy crap. And here I thought women had the monopoly on turning themselves into victims.

But I'm here to call bullshit on this and let you boys know it's an asshole maneuver. Stop doing it. If you tell the person you're dating you want space and want to date other people and then she sleeps with someone else: she's done absolutely nothing wrong and you have no right to make her feel shitty about it. She's not a slut. She's not disloyal. She's just not willing to wait around, while you search for something better to come along.

2 comments:

Thanks for the shout out and I love this post! I am so tired of guys exploring their options but expecting us to be hopelessly devoted to them until they figure out what they want or get done sewing their wild oats. Though I will say Elise could have been slightly more subtle...but again they cray cray and YOPO

about the blow off

We've all been blown off, we've all blown someone off. Share your story: the blow off texts, emails, voice mail messages you've either sent or received to mark the end of a relationship. And if the blow off consisted of a disappearing act, post a missing person's report. Or just read stories about break ups in general.