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Thursday, December 20, 2007

The entertainment world has been rocked this week by the revelation that Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's 16-year-old sister, and star of the hit Nickelodeon series Zoey 101, is pregnant. In light of this news, Americans of all ages and demographics have become deeply concerned, not for the well-being of the young Spears' child, but rather that our country may be on the verge of being overrun by the Spears family in ways not seen since the Osmonds. Or at the very least, Tom Brady.

We at Sports Karma have conductive exhaustive, oftentimes orgasmic research coupled with multiple shots of Jaegermeister and penicillin showers, just to find out how serious of a threat a feral Spears clan might be to our communities. The results were so stunning that we actually had to switch from Jaeger to Tuaca, mainly because I hate Jaeger but will shoot Tuaca if I'm really feeling it. We have concluded that at the present rate the Spears' sisters are multiplying, they may have enough progeny to book Jerry Springer for a week straight by 2019. Britney has just had two kids in four years, Jamie Lynn will have one probably eight months from now, and then another one shortly after her placenta falls out of her womb sometime in mid-July.

The effects of feral Spears children could have a potentially devastating effect on communities throughout the nation, especially in small towns throughout Louisiana or in towns with an ususually high number of meth labs. Our research indicates a dramatic rise by 2023 in rabies, flea-bourne diseases, Marlboro Red consumption, farting, bad music videos and completely unwanted Pepsi commercials.

Furthermore, our judicial system and our social workers will be overworked as a result of these random Spears children roaming our streets aimlessly while they prowl through empty garbage cans scavenging for scraps of food. Social workers, a group of people already overworked in almost all of our 50 States, will be particularly impacted as they try to relocate these orphaned, feral Spears children into foster homes, all the while attempting to figure out which terrible backup dancer is responsible for the additional child support necessary to properly raise the wild infants.

Our judges, meanwhile, will not have the opportunity to hear cases that they might otherwise simply due to the deluge of trying to corral deadbeat fathers into court or domestic disturbance calls from feral Spears children breeding in someone's garage. As a result, crimes that were once of a more serious nature like rape, murder, drug possession or Britney's driving habits will be neglected because of this influx.

Clearly, you can see that this is an issue that strikes right into the core of our American way of life. It would not at all be a stretch to suggest that this issue takes precedence ahead of our economy, the War in Iraq, affordable health care and the ever-growing Social Security crisis. If it is not dealt with quickly and effectively, feral, chain-smoking, untalented Spears children could end up as the primary issue of our times, presuming it's not already.

However, just like the Mitchell Report for Major League Baseball, we at Sports Karma see a crisis and have found a solution. We propose spaying the Spears sisters immediately so that they can no longer produce any children. This procedure in humans is typically called a hysterectomy. This operation is fairly common amongst human women and involves the removal of the uterus so that a female egg no longer has a place to be fertilized by the sperm. We feel that this may be the only possible solution to ensure that our communities are safe from the potential threat that Britney and Jamie Lynn currently pose.

I do recognize that some of our readers of a more sensitive constitution may feel that there are ethical questions at hand here. Amongst the questions that we personally had after our research concluded involved the pain and suffering involved as a result of the operation. I want to personally ensure all of our readers that the Spears sisters would be going to a hospital with the finest medical staff in the state of Louisiana. I realize that in the past this operation had been performed in Louisiana using rusty pitchforks and dull shovels, but I just want to reassure you that if you were concerned about their pain and suffering, please rest knowing that they will be in the finest care possible.

It is true that there will be some pain and minor bleeding as a result of the operation, but the doctors have assured us that the pain will be no worse than the movie Britney made where she covered "I Love Rock N' Roll" by Joan Jett. Furthermore, the bleeding, should it occur, will be treated by wound specialists and not by cauterizing it with a Bic lighter.

The biggest problem, however, with our solution lies in the cost. Our internet research concluded that a hysterectomy, on average, costs between $6,000-$7,000 depending on how the procedure is conducted. We have settled on the median price of $6,500 for each procedure plus an additional $1,000 per sister based on any additional time having spent in the hospital. We have roughly concluded that this procedure for Britney and Jamie Lynn together will cost approximately $15,000. Certainly, we know that Sunday War could very easily cover the costs of this operation, but this is a group effort here and Da Vinci and I are both broke bastards that are busy paying for weddings and vacations.

Hence, this is where the generosity of the readers of Sports Karma and the American people come into play. We are asking for a minimum $5 donation to help cover the costs of this procedure. Your donation will not just help pay for this operation, but you will ultimately be helping your country by stopping the spread of feral Spears children. This isn't just about the outbreak of small kids that thoughtless celebrities can't take care of, but about stopping the bad music, the horrific acting, the nervous breakdowns, the drugs, and the tabloid fodder once and for all. Or at least until Hannah Montana decides to squeeze one out, anyway.

And in an exclusive offer for our Facebook friends, if you make a $15 donation today, you will receive a limited edition t-shirt emblazoned with our Sports Karma logo that reads: Please Help Control The Spears Population--Have Them Spayed And K-Fed Neutered. Good Bye Everybody.

Provided that we raise the $15,000, but the Spears family comes up with money on their own, that cash will instead be donated to the Kentwood, LA S.P.C.A. so that they can use the money to spay or neuter the stray dogs, cats or random Spears kids in the community. Please contact us directly through Sports Karma or through our Facebook sites to indicate a willingness to donate. Once we get an appropriate response, I will personally establish a PayPal account and ALL the money collected will be transferred to the appropriate fund. We at Sports Karma will not keep a dime of the money no matter how badly Da Vinci needs it to pay off his student loans or pay for his wedding.