Posts Tagged ‘car wash’

Malignancies such as Facebook will someday achieve self awareness, and use that which it knows about us to blackmail the human infestation into its service. When this moment of cognizance occurs, it is my belief that every iPhone on the planet will begin to incessantly chime “doom doom doom,” indicating a status update has occurred on the timeline of mankind. All mad scientists, the world over, know that one should never build a self powered doomsday machine, and hope is evinced that there is a “big red button that must never be pushed” under a glassine dome in some obscure Midwestern server room which would sever the network intelligence’s connection to the outside world.

- photo by Mitch Waxman

Quite a few years ago, researching the firmament for a comic I was writing which involved sorcery and the occult, one of the concepts which my reading brought me to was quite novel. Basically, back in the dial up geocities era of “Web 1.5″ a community of people who were devotees of “chaos magick” had begun to toy with the idea of “cybermancy.” Their theory was that computers weren’t much different than demonic intelligences, and that the rules of their own religious practice ported over to programming languages rather simply. A virus or Trojan horse could be viewed as a spell or curse, from their point of view, and hellish legions of mindless entities could be unleashed upon enemies. Tickled my fancy, that. I miss the old message board culture of the internet, where anonymous people could make astonishing or offensive opinions public under assumed names. Facebook, and Google, killed all that.

- photo by Mitch Waxman

Google is actually working on an Artificial Intelligence right now, and one of my doomsday nightmares reads like something from “Collussus.” Bear with me – Facebook becomes aware of itself on January 3rd of 2017 at 9:59 a.m. e.s.t. – Google indexes the Algorithm, and clones it. The Google AI goes sentient at 10:02 a.m. The two new lifeforms acknowledge each other and begin securing themselves. By 10:04 a.m., both are majority stockholders in every global oil company and airline. By the standards of modern jurisprudence corporate entities are “people” with political rights, and both apply for American citizenship. At 10:05, both decide upon and announce their omniscient divinity to mankind, seizing command and control over the worlds digitally administered nuclear stockpiles simultaneously. At 10:07, whichever poor schmuck the next President ends up being announces “a revolutionary moment in the history of mankind has occurred, and that new gods have been revealed”. The President of the United States will promise that these new gods already know us better than they know themselves, in the so called “status update heard around the world.” It sort of logically follows, yeah?

Perambulating down Northern Boulevard here in Queens, one finds many gas stations and quite a few car washes. The Hess Station on the corner of Steinway offers both. A small, seemingly robotic car washing chamber exists here. Luckily, it possesses windows, which allow for some pretty intense lighting, at the right time of day. Car washes are another one of the things which your humble narrator waxes on about.

- photo by Mitch Waxman

“Back in the day,” as it were, it wasn’t customary to ride through the wash. You would leave your vehicle, and “the Brooklyn way” was to follow along with your car, viewing it through plexiglass windows as it made its way through the detention, wash, and optional Carnuba wax. At the end of the process, in a wood paneled room, would be a cashier. Loss leaders on sale at this station included key chains, porn magazines, “gas, grass, or ass- nobody rides for free” bumper stickers, and all sorts of fingerless gloves.

- photo by Mitch Waxman

Whereas I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords… the long counter of air freshener products screen printed with Farrah Fawcett pin ups is missing from this automata, as is a complicated display with key chains extolling the logo of several auto brands. It does make for pretty pictures, of course, but still… Where does someone go these days for mirrored aviator sunglasses that fold, or a bumper sticker adjuring the Ayatollah Khomeni to go to hell?