Saturday, December 11, 2010

Post your own holiday PITF and win!

As my gift to you, my beloved malcontents, I'll be giving away a signed copy of my new book, Beyond the Family Tree: A 21st-Century Guide to Exploring Your Roots and Creating Connections (which, believe you me, will come in handy around the dinner table). To win this decidedly un-TIWTPITF prize, simply draft a post of the thing that drives you batshit crazy around the holidays. Be it fruitcake, wreaths attached to car grilles, shoppers wearing santa hats or Quacker Factory holiday sweaters, let it rip. Post your rant in the comments section of this post. I'll pick a winner next week! Merry effin' Christmas!

SECRET SANTA at work. I'm forced to spend forty hours of my life with people that, quite frankly, are not my cup of tea. The only reason I grace them with my presence is because some faceless dude is PAYING me to do so. That being said, why the hell would I go out of my way to do something special for the woman who is the very bane of my existence? Or the guy who not so quietly brags about his sexual conquests after a night of binge drinking? HUH? Why would I spend the money I'm being paid to share air space with these goons on gifts for them when I have a perfectly good box of used cat litter ready and available?Secret Santas in the workplace need a firm blow to the face with a yule log.

Christmas letters (in cute fonts, on theme-appropriate laser printer paper) tucked in cards. We have one friend who writes a seven paragraph Christmas letter every year. Its mostly to make sure we all know how fabulous, unusually advanced, and super duper creative each and every one of his kids has become, and just how fan-diddly-tastic life is in their household. I hate his kids and I've never even met them.

What drives me crazy about the holidays? Political correctness that waters down the whole meaning of Christmas. It's not Happy Holidays, it's CHRISTMAS. I don't wish my Jewish friends a happy "holidays", I wish them a happy Hannukah. If I had friends that celebrated Kwanza, I'd wish them a happy Kwanza! Why is everyone so darned afraid to call Christmas - Christmas!After all, the darned thing IS a holiday based on a Christian belief. So, leave the X-mas, holidays, celebration time, and any other watered down excuse for your biography.And call Christmas, CHRISTMAS.

Obligatory Christmas cards. Seriously, if you think your relationship with my family is close enough to warrant buying a card, locating our address after the umpteenth move, forking over for stamps, and hauling your ass to the post office, the least you could do is write a little message in the card. Just signing your name, or much worse, stamping your name, only makes me want to smack you the next time I see you. I don't give a crap about the cute illustration you picked out for this year; I'd rather get a little note, even typed if you must, about your life. Better yet, give up that glittery mess of a card and just call so we can have a meaningful conversation.

Inflatable yard decorations. Seriously. We don't even have snow here but people are putting them on their lawns and all you get is the buzzing noise of the contraption keeping them upright and inflated. They aren't even attractive. Need lights? Fine. Need enough lights to attract aircraft? Fine, its your electric bill. But can you keep the plastic ball of inflated Frosty the Snowman away from my eyes?

Family members who think that just because it's Christmas we need to get together for 6 hours, eat a huge meal, and exchange gifts. You live 20 miles away from me yet we rarely see each other 364 other days of the year. You didn't even acknowledge import event in other family member's lives (like the birth of a child or the death of a spouse). But yet come December you want to be BFF's for a few hours. I don't know what you like, I don't know what your kids like; that's why no one gives "real" gifts and everyone exchanges gift certificates. If you really want to get together why not pick a less busy time, maybe when it's warm and sunny - like June.

1. Yearly family card-Yes I really wanted to know that your Johnny is making 100,000 a month, and that daughter Jenny just gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. First of, fuck off. Don't tell me about your perfect family, because we all know that Johnny is an asshole, your family is in debt because you guys are keeping up with the Joneses, and your beautiful, smart, "cough" slut "cough" Jenny got knocked up by some idiot, who was obligated to marry her.Thanks for that fake pose you send me and Merry Christmas the Assholes. 2. Musux. It's the most annoying time of the year!!! I hate Rudolf, Santa, Chestnuts, and all of the other X-mas music. And they start it in-mid October!!!!!! 3. Gifts. Okay, I love giving gifts to people I love and enjoy spending time with, like my family and friends. But other "friends" that believe they are the beat people out there, and we are all are "so close". NOT!!! That is why I never return your calls, emails, texts, because I don't want to talk to you. And I don't want to get you a gift either. I don't want to spend my money on you. I'd rather burn ten bucks in my fireplace than buy you shit from dollar store.

Parking lots. I cannot explain how badly it tweaks my shit to try to maneuver my car around a crowded mall parking lot. And when I get stuck behind some asshole stopped waiting for a car to back out (while the driver of said car is still loading her car with her 78 shopping bags)I really have an urge to stalk them into the store and give them a holiday knuckle sandwich. Running a close second to parking lots, is chipping in to buy the boss a Christmas gift. Why should I fork over 25 of my hard earned dollars to buy a present for a hypocritical, pissy, petty, incompetent bitch who makes my life hell?

I hate people who hate everything that other people do for Christmas.I say if you don't like Christmas sweaters, don't fricking wear one. But leave those who like them alone. ( I personally don't like them.) Christmas is a personal thing and I am tired of others bringing me down cause they are scrooges. If you don't like secret santas, don't join in. ( I DO like secret santas.)

Rude people in parking lots, an 80 year old lady called my husband the f word. At Walmart they told us we couldn't say Merry Christmas to them inside a business, it was against the law, apparently our current president passed a law saying that was illegal ???

Oh man, I totally got this! There are two things I HATE about the holidays. First, all the tacky, cheesy, marshmallowy jewelry advertisements on TV AND on the radio. Even in the car I can't get away from them. What if you have no one to give you diamonds? What if you do but they can't afford diamonds? Does that mean they don't love you enough? Apparently.

The second thing, closely related, is holiday-themed television specials, like "Santa Cupid" or whatever the hell. Ugh. You would have to tie me down and glue my eyelids open to make me sit through two hours of that crap. "He's smart, gorgeous, and he smells like cookies!" Barf. I'll take a Saw marathon before that, thank you very much!

I'm so over the whole "haul ass up to the family homestead on every major and minor holiday, cram 35 people into a rowhome meant for 5 and then spend 7 - 8 hours packed in like sardines". God forbid that I could actually enjoy some family time in my own home.

The most aggravating thing about Christmas is people who get all misty eyed and say, "Oh I hope it snows. I love a white Christmas."I guess these people never need to leave the house to run last minute errands, never have to drive 30 miles on icy roads to get to the family celebration, and never notice that the white stuff turns to gray slush the next day. As long as the holiday is covered in white (I'm sure there's some symbolism in there somewhere...).

One of my sisters will inevitably get all pissy about something, like not having enough time to talk to her boyfriend on the phone, or that they dish out a shrimp that someone forgot to shell, or that we're not spending Enough Quality Time Together As A Family and that my husband (who is joining us for the first time this year and having Christmas away from his own family, mind you) is ruining everything by his mere presence at our Sacred Holiday Rituals. FACE PUNCH AHOY.

That and the inevitable headache that I'll have when I go up to my parents' house, which is on the side of a mountain and therefore 7,300 feet in the air. Yes, I grew up there, but I've adjusted to living at sea level.

Christmas carols make me crazy enough to yell back at the radio. The week before Thanksgiving, I yelled "Fuck You!" at "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree". I argued with Johnny Mathis about it looking a lot like Christmas. Then, last week, I yelled at Frosty the Snowman to kiss my ass. When I am Queen of the World, "Jingle Bells" will be banned. If anyone is caught playing the bizarro version sung by Barbra Streisand, the death penalty will be swiftly carried out. One-horse open sleigh my ass.

What needs punching in this Season of Joy? People who are complete asshats 11 months of the year but suddenly decide that they are going to be charitable, cordial, and filled with the Spirit of Christmas. Here's a News Flash for you, phony phucks: Santa isn't fooled by your sudden change of heart, and neither am I.

Some people think of reindeer as symbolic of the season, but for me it's the elephant... Elephants remember everything. Be advised of this key point when I consider your record on the naughty/nice scale over the last year. It might make me the Ebenezer Scrooge of the gathering, but if you think that by wishing me a Merry Christmas I am going to forget how you knifed me in the back last summer, effed up my vacation, and caused me no end of lost productivity, then guess again. No, for you, I make special treat.

Inspired by the OTHER thing elephants do (leave MASSIVE steaming dumps as presents...), I am going to give you a choice this holiday season, kind of like in a Yankee Gift Swap: you can either take a nicely wrapped punch in the face, or a big old shit sandwich. Sounds gross perhaps, but eventually that offalburger I am serving you will become coal; I am NOT interested in investing the few millennia that process would take though, because, quite honestly, you are not worth the time.

Now get the hell out of my face, before I decide you get BOTH presents. Why? Because after all, I am an exceptionally generous SOB. A regular eating, drinking, shitting, fucking (AND face-punching) Santy Claus. Ho Ho Ho, mother effers.

Any creep who would steal the Salvation Army red donation bucket and anyone who enjoys reading a Christmas letter that has the most heinous medical afflictions graphically described of a friend of a friend – ending the letter with Merry Christmas!

Little Book started right about the inflatable snowmen and globes but forgot the worst part about them-they are never inflated. They are just a sad pile of (usually) red plastic killing the lawn. I am unsure if I have ever seen one completely inflated It's like telling the whole neighborhood "I have really bad taste but I am also kind of lazy!". Save your money next year and just buy a red plastic tablecloth and throw it in a heap on the front lawn. We'll pretend it is Santa.

I love Christmas time, but there are so many things that can drag it down: I love Christmas music, but do we need the songs that involve chipmunks, donkeys, or dogs or radio stations that have maybe 10 songs including the ones mentioned and then play them in a loop full of those jewelry commercials?! Inflated Christmas decor that buzz or lay on the lawn deflated like garbage, take your pic. I especially love Christmas decor still up in Feb, March, hell, July, classy! Jewelry commercials on TV oh and Lexus commercials, come on a Lexus with a big red bow and walking mom out to see that you bought a Lexus, how many people actually do that? Ads are such an insult to society. They try their hardest to manipulate us and make us feel insignificant, no thanks. Christmas is what we make of it. To many it is a time to celebrate a Birthday of someone pretty important with family and friends. But, since we are human this time of year can also bring hype and high expectations of peace and happiness that it can easily become a time of commercialism, stress, work parties where the spouse knows no one and the "entertainment" is a magic show, yippee (just give me a gift certificate or a ham), family get togethers: stuffed into one house, annoying relatives (where's the wine), the creepy stranger/boyfriend of your sister, tired, cranky kids that need a nap, a gassy step-brother with no social graces...I could go on and onoh well, Merry Christmas!

everything that already been said about extended family. it's nice to know that the world outside of them (because I keep seeming to forget that it's supposed to revolve around them...) understands the idea that I want to wake up to my own Christmas tree and not have to find room in my car or suitcase for the excessive trading of junk. Seriously, if you don't know me well enough to get me a gift I would use or enjoy, then don't get me a gift at all. That would be a great gift...saving me a trip to Salvation Army. I could go on. and on.

TIWTPITF. I hate it when I'm blog surfing and all of a sudden they have a sound track that kicks in. I'm surfing secretly or at night and I get blasted with whatever hokey music the blog writer thinks her/his peeps wants to hear. Not so@!#@#@$Let me surf in peace!

Yet another freaking "celebration" potluck and white elephant with the co-workers. Even at Xmas our company is so cheap I have to spend time and money I don't have to cook food for people I see every day and don't particularly care for, only to end up with a pile of leftovers because I'm veg and my food is apparently strange. Not to mention, being the only veg means I have to pick apart everyone else's dish so I can determine WTF is in it. Really, just skip it. I need another potluck and white elephant like I need a punch in the face. Wait, I think I'll just punch you instead.

The Kay Jewelers commercials, being guilted into buying gifts for children in my extended family, and having to give very specific gift lists (my MIL doesn't like giving gift cards...not "personal" enough).

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