words in the midst of a messy + beautiful life // stories from serving Jesus in Liberia, West Africa

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a visit with doubt

recently, my old friend acquaintance Doubt came to visit. he’s an unwelcome visitor, yet somehow i always find myself opening the door and inviting him inside. i think it’s because he always shows up when i’m weak. tired. when i have little strength in me to put up a fight, to say no, to slam the front door in his face.

and the worst thing about Doubt is that he’ll stick around for days. he knows i don’t want him there–but he also knows i won’t kick him out, either. so he stays. he makes it hard for me to sleep. he distracts me throughout the day. he always interrupts when i try to pray. he’s cruel, and he knows it. but he’s also smart enough to hide his ugly streak just below the surface, close enough that i know it’s there yet deep enough that i forget about it over time.

so Doubt’s been hanging around, and to be honest, i’m getting pretty sick of him. i find myself separating from him throughout the day, trying to pretend like he’s not there, and those are the moments in which i can finally breathe again. it’s like everything becomes clear, and the crushing force on my chest is lifted, and all seems right with my soul once more.

the best part about not having him around is that i’m able to hear Truth again.

see, Truth won’t compete with Doubt. Truth knows it’s with him that my heart lies–but Truth also loves me enough to let me make my mistakes and learn from them. Truth takes a backseat when Doubt comes into town. he watches from the distance as i entertain this unwelcome guest of mine, his sorrow and rejection written all over his beautiful face. i hate that i’m constantly trading him in for another. it feels fickle. and foolish. i wonder when i’ll learn.

this morning, i don’t know where Doubt is hiding. and to be honest, i don’t even care. it feels so good to be rid of him.
this morning, i am going to spend some time with Truth.
this morning, i am going to bind my wandering heart to his

and maybe, just maybe,
i can be free.

*this is part one of a two-part series on doubt versus truth. check back next week for the second part. i’m excited about that post. Truth speaks–and everything changes. i’m looking forward to sharing with you! xo