The Rants & Rambles of A Grumpy Old Dude

LXX

I’m finally officially old! I know I’ve been gently hinting about it for a couple of years, but I just passed into my eighth decade. (Don’t say passed to an old person!) I couldn’t even bear to put 70 (shudder!) up as a title, I had to use Roman Numerals. Last year was worse, 69 looks so untidy, and has that sexual connotation. 69, rendered in Roman Numerals, probably spells out some despicable word. LXX isn’t much better. It looks like the title of an Alzheimer’s Porno flick.

He was as old and hard as the candy I keep on the table.
When she walked into the room, his heart stopped.
He had an ass like Cal Coolidge.
Blow into my hearing aid, she cooed.
Rick’s pants weren’t pleated anymore.
Teeth in, or out?
She caressed the balls of his walker legs.
It was a position called “The Reverse Rocking Chair.”
We watched Wheel of Fortune, and he gave me an ‘O’.
Finally she whispered, “That’s what I call an early bird special!”

Last year, I got accolades from acolytes. I got a party, and partiers, and a poem. I got followers, fun and frivolity. I got drunks on my lawn, and kilts, and bagpipes. This year all I got, was older and grumpier, and I’m already overqualified.

That’s not exactly true. I also got more aches and pains, and less stamina and attention span. I got the names of several new doctors, and the chance to experience some new medical procedures – oh thrill, oh joy!

Time waits for no man. He’s dragging me, kicking and screaming – well, shuffling and mewling – into the future. I guess, as long as I can see the green side of the sod, all is well. I keep checking the obits in the newspaper. I haven’t seen my picture – yet. I just came home by bus, from the terminal. (Don’t say terminal to an old person!)

If any of you want to stop over to mow my lawn, or drop off some birthday cake – I’d happily settle for a cupcake, even without a candle – try not to arrive between 6PM and 7. That’s the time I take my nap, so that I have enough energy to compose another post for tomorrow.

For this birthday, I’ll have another reason to be grumpier than usual. I’ll be living in “interesting” Chinese times. I will be getting my asshole reamed. My G.I. guy (gastro-enterologist) has decided that I don’t need to learn to deep-throat. I don’t have to have an endoscopy. I don’t know why my G.P. couldn’t figure that out, but on Monday, the day after my birthday, I have to go to hospital for a colonoscopy.

We had the daughter and grandson over for a celebratory meal on Saturday. As soon as they left, I stopped eating solid food. Sunday is nothing but clear liquids – chicken broth, ginger ale and apple juice – oh, yum. 🙂 Through Sunday, and Monday morning, I have to down four liters/quarts of Drano cleansing liquid, to flush the old pipes out, generally being no more than six feet from a toilet.

If they find anything interesting, perhaps I could post pictures – whenever I can sit at the computer again. We might even solve the Jimmy Hoffa disappearance. “You know, that chair felt lumpy when I sat down.”

Since, hopefully, I’ll be feeling no pain, the wife gets to be chauffeur. After they’ve rectum at the hospital, she gets to drag my ass (literally) home.

My next couple of posts may be a bit (more) grouchy, but I’m sure that, after I’ve Alice Cooper-ed the head off a batty Jehovah’s Witness or Paki telemarketer selling duct cleaning, I’ll be safe to approach without the tranquilizer dart gun. Wish me luck. Here I go, ass first (as usual).

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25 thoughts on “LXX”

I’ve had it done – it’s not so bad! I watched the whole procedure on a special screen they had set up by the bed. No pain, very slight discomfort & lots of gas when they finished. Happy Birthday you old fart!

Yeah, the wife and daughter both say the same thing. The procedure is a bit degrading but no big deal. It’s the no food, no solid food, no decent food, nothing but fluids for 48 hours before, that bugs me. That, and the DIY bowel cleanout. I mentioned a 6-foot leash on the toilet. I didn’t mention adult diapers, or shitting the bed. Oh well, gotta have something to bitch (and blog) about. 😉

Because of my ulcerative colitis, I have to go for the colonoscopy at least every two years. It’s really not that bad. Hopefully, you were given the prep that includes the Miralax and Gator Ade – that’s relatively easy, although you do want to be close to the toilet. The first time you have the procedure done, you sleep right through it. (I’m a “pro” – I actually watched most of my last procedure on the screen as it was being performed – very interesting, until I heard my doctor say “Hmmmmpf” – inflamed area found. Oh well.)

Seriously, though, I think the anticipation is way worse than the procedure. You’ll be fine, and we’ll all be waiting for your follow-up post.

On her last time, the wife got four packets of vanilla-flavored powder that she could mix with any acceptable liquid – no red colorants – so she just mixed with water, and hated the flavor. The daughter reminded her yesterday that there is ‘clear’ cream soda.

I went through a colonoscopy a couple of years ago, and did blog about it, though I passed on the pictures. The colonoscopy itself is painless, but the twenty-four hours before hand, emptying yourself out, is not fun. Make sure you have a good book at hand. Oh and Happy Birthday.

yesterday my ten year old niece asked my mom and dad if they wouldn’t mind helping her out with her school assignment. When they agreed, my niece’s response was “Cool! The teacher said that I had to interview someone REALLY OLD!” Ya, kids can be cruel.
So don’t feel bad turning one year older….like an old (I mean ‘wise man’) once told me. “It doesn’t matter how old ye are, as long as you are still on this side of the grass”
Have a great birthday Archon, we love having you here!

Most kids aren’t intentionally cruel, just forthright. I’m dealing well (I think) with the idea of being older. My biggest problem seems to be that I can’t judge anyone’s age anymore. Some little girl who looks like 12 to me, turns out to have a 12-year-old daughter. 😯

As usual I got to the party late. Had one of those things last year and the prep was the worst–had to call the doc in the middle of the night because it didn’t work and I drank so much that it started coming back up–not fun. Finally all was flushed out and when I woke in the middle of the procedure and could see my colon on the monitor I asked if I should be awake (I didn’t want to be 😦 ). Hope everything went according to plan. What a way to followup a birthday. Take care and hope all went well. 🙂

Glad to hear! My ex was like that the first time — he never had an IV before; he never felt it and then he never remembered anything…kept asking why the doc didn’t come by afterwards. He didn’t believe me when I said he came and stayed a while talking to him–and people wonder why we aren’t together any more, lol. I’d rather have the pony, too 😀

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I really hope to see the same high-grade content by you later on as
well. In truth, your creative writing abilities has encouraged me to get my own website now 😉