Lack of Desire

I am 32 years old, been with the same man for 4 years. I love him with all my heart, don't want to be with anyone else. When we first met, we had sex all the time.... Now, it is about once a week. He would love to do it more, however, I just can't seem to get in the mood.... I would like to know when my sexual peak will take place? Is it possible to not have a sexual peak? It is not that he does not try or turn me on, I just can't get into it. there is maybe a day or 2 that I feel the urge and initiate. I am not on any medication, don't use drugs or alchohol.
Any suggestions?

First of all, you’re not alone. This feeling happens to most of us at some time in our lives. We often go through periods where our desires may take a break. Please know that there’s nothing “wrong” with you; you’re just human.

Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel. Remember that anxiety is the enemy of desire. So first, give yourself permission to feel just the way you do.

There! Feel a little better? Now you need to decide on your second step.

There is no magic formula or “sexual peak.” Everyone is different, and I can’t tell you anything about yourself because I don’t know you. You know yourself best, and I suspect if you examine your past experiences, messages you got about sex and your feelings about your current relationship, you’ll have some insights into what’s going on.

Ask yourself what changed about your feelings since you first met. Did you truly desire sex more often with him at that time than you do now? Why do you suppose that is? Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with him. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.

On the other hand, if you DON’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for you, then you may be repressing sexual feelings, or you’re just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.

It’s also possible that your partner no longer turns you on. It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Does he have any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? Remember you’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant.

And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.

Are you anxious? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others?

There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.

And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your boyfriend’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?

I’m also wondering whether you are still having any kind of sexual fantasies—apart from your relationship—and whether you’re self-pleasuring. If you’re still interested in sex in general, apart from your relationship, this could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.

So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

going on four years? once a week? "question" are both of you working full time? and once a week believe it or not is about normal after 4 years together, and as time goes on it may go down to maybe 3 times a month,But don't worry about it,As there will be weeks that you both may set the house on fire with lots of lust. Don't worry about. take care

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