On (Trying to) Nurse

But, with Sophie, it got better—much better—and I nursed her for 13 months.

Now I’m at the four-month mark with my boys and we haven’t even reached the nursing stage yet. They get 100 percent breast milk—something I’m proud of—but I pump almost all of it and then give it to them in bottles.

It’s ridiculous, really. Before I had the boys I thought women who exclusively pumped were crazy. It didn’t make any sense to me. It’s double the work of formula (because you’re also pumping) and double the work of breastfeeding (because you’re also preparing and cleaning bottles).

But, even though I often like to stomp my feet and insist that things work out exactly the way I want them to, often, they don’t. My babies were born early. In the very beginning, when I was only producing a small amount of colostrum, Owen also was given formula. And James, because he was so small, qualified for donor milk—so he was given breast milk from another woman.

But I was lucky. My milk came in fast and plentiful and soon I was able to provide for them both. But because they were so small, I had to supplement my milk. So every bottle of pumped breast milk Owen and James received had a measured amount of extra high-calorie formula added to it.

When both boys were in the NICU, I was meticulous about pumping. I pumped every three hours, around the clock. I recorded the time I pumped and the amount I pumped. I poured my milk in small, plastic containers, which I collected by the dozens from a cabinet in the hand-washing room in the NICU. I wrote the time and date of each pumping session, and initialed each pre-printed label (also provided by the NICU).

While still in the hospital I’d pad down to the NICU, IV still attached to me, to drop off my milk and stare at my brand-new boys, even in the middle of the night.

Once home I’d store the carefully labeled milk in our refrigerator and then transport it to the NICU, in my parents’ old cooler. While visiting the NICU I’d always pump at least once in one of the area’s two pumping rooms. And always I’d keep track—date, time and amount—both on my spreadsheet and the pre-printed labels.

When visiting my boys, I’d try to breastfeed them. But because they were so very small, they had trouble latching. And because they were so very small, I was only allowed to try to breastfeed for 10 minutes. Otherwise they would become too exhausted and wouldn’t drink their follow-up bottle. And they had to drink their follow-up bottle because they had to grow. That’s why they were there. To grow.

Eventually, Owen came home. I continued to rent the hospital-grade breast pump and pump. I nursed Owen when I could, with a nipple shield to aide in the latching process. But nursing with a nipple shield required a follow-up bottle. Often, I found myself skipping the nursing and going straight to the bottle. Or someone else would feed Owen a bottle while I visited James in the NICU.

Then, James came home. And what felt like an already overfull plate seemed dangerously close to spilling. In the beginning I’d attempt nursing each of them at least once a day. A few months into it my mom helped me come up with a schedule in which each feeding session included a trial nursing session with one of the boys (Owen more often than James, because he was bigger and wouldn’t tire as easily).

But again, nursing required that follow-up bottle. And that follow-up bottle required pumping. Pumping required a clean pump kit. Bottle feeding required clean bottles. Cue the excuses: It was too much. I didn’t have time. Their not latching was too emotionally trying. I needed the help of other people come feeding time. I needed the extra time to play with Sophie.

Some of these excuses, perhaps all of them, are good ones. But still, they’re excuses. And because of them, four months into it, I’m in this ridiculous situation of doing the work of both breastfeeding and formula feeding.

I know that if I want out of this situation I have two (obvious) choices: (1) dedicate myself and time to teaching the boys to nurse or (2) formula feed. I don’t want to formula feed. It’s so expensive. I don’t know how the boys’ stomachs would handle it. I like the health and bonding benefits that come with nursing. And I’m so incredibly tired of washing bottles.

Our pediatrician gave me permission to go cold turkey—he said the boys are big enough. I think I’ll start with Owen. My mom volunteered to take James and Sophie for a day. And so, in the near future, I plan to spend a day in bed, with Owen, and simply try to nurse—no follow-up bottles, no cleaning, no laundry, no coloring with Sophie—nothing except trying to nurse. Our pediatrician warned me that it might not go well—Owen is four-months old. He’s used to a bottle. And he’s very impatient, especially when hungry (he gets that from me). So I expect a lot of frustrated tears, from both of us. But I at least want to try.

Maybe it will go well. Maybe Owen will get the hang of it and then James will get the hang of it and then I’ll actually get to use the awesome nursing pillow my in-laws gave to me last Christmas.

Or maybe it won’t go well. And I’ll continue this ridiculous cycle of pumping and feeding and washing, washing, washing. And I’ll have to pump, even more, because they’re drinking more. I no longer have a spreadsheet. I no longer keep track. And it’s so easy to skip pumping sessions. But with each pumping session I skip, the less milk I produce. And I know if I keep doing that I’ll have no choice but to supplement with formula.

If I do exclusively pump for the remainder of the year there will be some benefits. I’ll always have a supply of milk in the freezer. Andy and family and friends will always be able to help with the feedings. And at six months they’ll start to eat rice cereal and then maybe homemade apple sauce or mashed avocado. Slowly they’ll eat more, drink less. And before I know it a year will have gone by and I will have done whatever I felt like I could have done at the time. It will be the past, done with, and the boys will have grown in that very magical way that comes with breastfeeding (whether from the breast or the bottle): they will have grown very much because of a liquid part of me. And I love that.

Still, I often stomp my feet and want for something better—and on days when I’m especially worn and exhausted—something easier.

I hope this story ends like Sophie’s did. If so, great. If not, OK. And I know that. As long as the boys are growing, it’s OK. It’s OK. Only I always want more than just OK.

“No one could give her such soothing and sensible consolation as this little three-month-old creature when he lay at her breast and she felt the movement of his lips and the snuffling of his tiny nose.” —Leo Tolstoy

I vividly remember that stage of trying to eek out that extra ounce or two or 10 in order to give the kid the most beneficial feeding; it's tiresome! I agree with the comments you've made over the past few months–in a year or two, all this will seem like such a distant memory. I hope things get easier for you in the meantime. 🙂

katie

i echo your sentiment, kara. when henry had reflux and needed to gain more weight, i pumped more and had to supplement with formula. now that he's 7.5 months and eating solids, he has been preferring the bottle and has been trying to wean since 5 months. i'm determined to keep putting him on, putting him on, etc…some days he'll nurse ok, some days not. i'm so sick of pumping, i simply quit. i have guilt, because like you, OK is not good enough. and talk about guilt when i buy my 1st box of formula and it's RECALLED! anyway, i totally can relate, and i know your plate has double the load. so i guess we both need to be kinder to ourselves. we're doing the BEST we can. and i have to say, with two, i'm not sure i could keep on with the rigorous schedule you have. bravo on your progress. it does fly by. we're probably 50/50 now bm and formula and i imagine we'll be done before a year. but i know in a few years it won't matter. so keep thinking this too shall pass! hats off to you, my dear!

katie

oh…and having a toddler. forget it! i can't lay around and nurse all day like i did with clay. it's such a different dynamic with a sibling, too. more guilt…yada yada…little ocd over here 🙂

Sandra Galloway

You will get through this!!!

When our (one and only) daughter was born 5 years ago, she preferred a bottle and never learned to latch. I EP'ed for about 10 months before using up my freezer stash and then using formula. It hurt when I found and had to dispose of a few forgotten bags of "liquid gold" months later.

Anyway, to introduce myself, my DH and your FIL are first cousins.

Nella

Been there, done that. Add that I had issues with one breast not producing well so I never (even pumping every two hours) had enough for both of them and Alex being tongue tied and having issues even just eating from a bottle. I pumped until 6 months, then gave myself back some time and went to formula when my Domperidone prescription ran out and my supply dropped. At 12 months they were totally switched to cows milk and feeding themselves with sippy cups and my struggles to breast feed are getting foggier and the quilt/disappointment is getting to feel a lot less important.

Do your best, and then do what ever you have to do.You are awesome for doing what you have already done.

Nella

Cindy

I can sympathize with how you are feeling (kind of. I only had one baby and not a premie). don't lose hope that you can have your way, you just need help. I wouldn't have nursed at all if it hadn't been for the Elizabeth Blackwell Center lactation consultants. I had to go to 3 seperate consultations before Josh would latch on and I could nurse him without crying myself.

I know that Columbus is far from Kentucky but if you need recommendation of good lactation consultants in your area give them a call.

With all that said please don't be too hard on yourself no matter what happens (I know easier said than done). You have done an AMAZING job at nourishing them (latch on or pumping).

Keep your head up.

Anonymous

You have to do what feels right for you. I nursed my twins (not preemies and never used formula) for 14 months and in the beginning I did the nursing and follow up bottle and puming and storing and on and on and on because I knew I want to nurse until they were 1 and I would be going back to work before then. Then add in the fun of a horrible divorce, moving into my parents' house and losing everything I had when the kids were 6 months old. I wanted to hang it up so many times but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm hard headed like that 🙂 In the beginning when I was constantly tending to babies, nursing, pumping, washing bottles and the only help my ex provided was ocasionally showing up for baths in the evening, I turned to Karen Kerkhoff Gromada, she's nursed multiples, is a lactation lady at Good Sam and a member of LLL in Cincinnati. Her support, advice and book were immensely helpful! Good luck and there is no wrong choice so don't feel guilty whatever way you choose to help yourself and those precious babies!

The Animal Peddler

sometimes it's just too much. breast milk is best for baby, but what is best for you is important, too. No woman should be made to feel inadequate or guilty for "failing" to breastfeed her baby.

Valerie

You CAN do it! I'm thankful, my twins have been great nurslings and are still going strong at almost eight months. And pumping, it's just not something I've ever needed to do. But nursing twins takes a lot of dedication. Kudos to you for exclusively pumping all this time!

But, I am of the opinion that you CAN do this. And judging from your post, you WILL do this, and you'll do it well.

I should probably introduce myself too (since I often check your blog). I'm a local MoM, introduced to your blog from the former president of WCMOT&MC, with a daughter (almost 5), a son (almost 3), and twin boys (2/10).

Valerie

You CAN do it! I'm thankful, my twins have been great nurslings and are still going strong at almost eight months. And pumping, it's just not something I've ever needed to do. But nursing twins takes a lot of dedication. Kudos to you for exclusively pumping all this time!

But, I am of the opinion that you CAN do this. And judging from your post, you WILL do this, and you'll do it well.

I should probably introduce myself too (since I often check your blog). I'm a local MoM, introduced to your blog from the former president of WCMOT&MC, with a daughter (almost 5), a son (almost 3), and twin boys (2/10).

Kara

Thanks so much for all the comments.

Christine, I now know that feeling well. Lately I've been having to go to my freezer stash because I'm not pumping enough … they're just eating so much now! Every drop counts.

Katie, I do miss being able to just nurse whenever, almost lazy like, as I did with Sophie. It's so different this time around.

Sandra, Nice to "meet" you! 🙂

Nella, thank you. I so admire you for pumping so long.

Cindy, thanks. I met with a lactation consultant with Sophie and it was SO beneficial. I really should do that this time around, too.

Anonymous, Oh, you inspire me so much! 14 months plus all that stress in your life. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that but am so impressed at all you did through all that! Also, I've heard the most wonderful things about Karen (and her book!). Thanks for the reminder. I should try to get in touch with her.

Thanks, Animal Peddler.

Valerie, Thank you so much for the confidence! And eight months, that's fantastic! It's so nice to "meet" you, too!