Can't-miss Christmas gifts for sports fans

Texas Rangers and former Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels and wife Heidi Hamels donated their $9.4 million mansion and 100 acres of land to a charity that provides camps for kids with special needs and chronic illnesses. (Steven M. Falk / AP)

There are a precious few hours left before Amazon declares an end to the Christmas shopping season. If you’re still wondering what to get the sports fan on your list, allow me to help.

This is actually my list, but it reflects the desires of anyone who followed sports around here in 2017.

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I want …

LaVar Ball to be abducted by aliens and taken to a galaxy far, far away.

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The Magic to win a game.

My two front teeth because Derek Jeter traded them away for some used dental floss.

An 8-team college football playoff.

Ryan Shazierto walk again, and then to walk away from football.

All mega-rich jocks to emulate Cole Hamels.

A baseball game to end in under four hours.

Scientists to discover that chicken wings are more nutritional than broccoli.

Bob Ley to change his name to Robert E. Lee to see if ESPN fires him.

BlakeBortles’ resurgence to not be a mirage.

Nick Saban to have to ask Bill Belichick a question in a press conference.

To be as tall as Tacko Fall for one day.

Bill Belichick to have to ask Nick Saban a question in a press conference.

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To care about the world’s problems but be able to escape them for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon.

Stud of the week

• Rangers pitcher Cole Hamels and wife Heidi Hamels, who donated their $9.4 million mansion and 100 acres of land to a charity that provides camps for kids with special needs and chronic illnesses.

• Honorable mention: Wofford College for A) beating North Carolina in the Dean Dome and B) being named “Wofford.”

Dud of the week

• The Grinch who stole CharlieVillanueva’s toilet. Yes, somebody broke into the home of ex-NBA player and made off with a toilet. Geez, it probably wasn’t even autographed.

• Honorable mention: Rob Manfred. Baseball’s commissioner went on the Dan Le Batard radio show in Miami and said he had no idea Jeter’s group was going to fire-sale the Marlins into oblivion. He should be sentenced to having to watch Marlins games for the next five years.

Pizza precedent

Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter resigned last week due to the uproar over his claim that national-anthem protests have hurt the sales of the NFL’s official pizza.

The Baltimore Ravens sent a letter to season-ticket holders, suite holders and sponsors last week saying the protests have hurt attendance.

Does that mean the Ravens have to resign from the NFL?

The truth out there

The New York Times reported last week that the Pentagon spent $22 million from 2007-2012 on a super-secret program to hunt for UFOs. Pentagon officials justified the program by noting they also were searching for a viable explanation for the NFL’s catch rule.

Mozart not impressed

Pittsburgh receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster caused an Internet stir when he tweeted: “I was only 20 when I went 97 yards on Sunday Night Football.”

Nice, but historians were quick to note Isaac Newton was 23 when he discovered the laws of gravity. Among other notable young achievements:

Mark Zuckerberg was 19 when he started Facebook. Young Tom Morris was 17 when he won the British Open.

Malala Yousafzai won the Nobel Prize when she was 17. Stevie Wonder was 13 when he had his first No. 1 hit. Mozart was 8 when he composed his first symphony.

Secretariat was 3 when he won the Triple Crown. And Dwight Howard was 2 when he missed his first free throw.

Bowl business

Did you see where FSU was supposedly ineligible for the Independence Bowl? To be counted as a win under bowl rules, hapless FSU opponent Delaware State needed to award at least 90 percent of its scholarship limit. It awarded only 87 percent, according to a Reddit report.