"Frequent Flyer Humor and One-Upmanship" is a collection of humorous or incongruous short stories and one-liners, sometimes sophisticated. The purpose is to provide smiles and chuckles punctuated by an occasional guffaw for both you and your fellow passengers, perhaps some of the crew.

You're traveling too much when you see the same flight attendant twice in the same day. And she knows your name.

Jet Lag: "Wallet in refrigerator. Where's the milk?"

"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

"We're ready to begin boarding Flight 1234 with service from Miami to Atlanta. Due to a weight problem with the aircraft, we are going to limit you to one piece of carry-on luggage. Any additional items will have to be checked."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash has brought the aircraft to a screeching halt near the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Near the conclusion of an extremely turbulent American Airlines flight, a cabin attendant finished his "stowed-tray-table-and-upright-seat" speech with a cheerful, "We'd like to thank you for flying American Airlines. But if you were displeased with the flight, thank you for flying United."

About George W. Stewart

Every Sunday out. Every Friday back. For weeks, months and years. Innumerable delays and lies, contemptuous treatment by airline personnel, abrupt altitude changes, tumultuous final approaches, teeth rattling landings, extreme baggage waits because your carry-on was snatched at the door...

In addition to countless standard aircraft and heavys, have flown in a 4-seater National Guard chopper without doors and Air Force ski equipped C-130s. A little less common was a tree branch in a landing gear, having to stuff wet washcloths into a ruptured fuselage seal and sitting in the cockpit watching caribou try to beat the aircraft up a fijord.

Remembers those thrilling days of yesteryear when Stewardesses were attractive, intelligent and attentive. And remembers numerous flight delays when free drinks were served to ameliorate the inconvenience.

Have written for Barron’s, the Journal of Property Management and several other publications. Been interviewed for newspapers, and on TV and radio. Activities have been reported in the New York Times, Medical Economics, U.S. News and World Report and the Tax Avoidance Digest.