The Long, Painful Journey to Better Self-Awareness

Erica and I are sitting on a small bus with 8 other fellow Mozcationers, in transit from Cape Town to a kloof on the Northeastern side of the Cedarburg Mountains. It’s 90°+ outside, and the air conditioning in the bus can’t keep up. It’s a little too uncomfortable to read, and while the scenery is amazing, so is the company. We strike up a conversation about books that moves into comics, games, and random geeky hobbies of all sorts. As the conversation winds down and we turn back to look out the windows, I think for a minute, then tell Erica how amazed and impressed I am at both her passion for these pursuits as well as her complete lack of self-consciousness about them. She doesn’t bat an eyelash about explaining the plot of a super-niche science fiction comic. I’m amazed. And I’m jealous.

I’ve always been ashamed of the enjoyment I get from geekier pursuits. I try to hide the fact that I worked as Wizards of the Coast in college, that I tried to play role playing games in middle school (but couldn’t find anyone to play with me, except my little sister, who was too young at the time to really understand), that I still love computer games (though I almost never play them). It’s so bad that I still feel anxiety, get sweaty, and feel my pulse pound if I’m playing a game on the weekend and Geraldine comes back from a shopping trip. Honestly, what the @#%! does it matter if I play a computer game in my spare time? No one cares.

I’m just afraid they will.

Figuring out why is a quest I’ve been on lately, and it’s one that’s taking much longer and proving vastly more mysterious than I ever suspected.

Obviously, I’m not just trying to understand why I feel repressed shame about interest in video games, but why I am all the ways that I am. I’m especially interested in those facets of my personality and emotions that create negative feelings, though eventually I want to get to a point where I know more about what makes me happy and brings me joy, too.

When it comes to my shame about games, I think there’s a few factors at work. When I was young, I got teased for having these interests, and I watched other kids become ostracized for it. My parents were mildly supportive of video and computer games, but I vividly remember, after my Dad bought me a TI-99/4A, he’d occasionally play Space Invaders or Parsec with me, until one day he remarked that he couldn’t play anymore, because it was a waste of time that could get dangerously addictive.

In later years, I’m pretty sure I projected most of the scorn and derision I sensed from people around me about games. While at college at the University of Washington, I worked for about a year at the Wizards of the Coast Game Center (before it shut down in the early 2000’s). Pokemon cards were, at the time, selling like hotcakes across the US, and were unavailable in much of the country due to supply chain issues. Working at the Game Center, I could buy cards at the employee discount and resell them on Craigslist and eBay for 2-10X the price. The market for the cards eventually plummeted and I quit, but I built up a pretty hefty collection of Magic: The Gathering cards that I, even as I type this, I feel ashamed for sharing.

Thinking back, the feelings I had probably didn’t stem from my college classmates, old dorm-room friends, or my girlfriend’s sorority sisters actually making fun of me, even though, were I to tell the story a year ago, that’s exactly how I’d have described it. Instead, I suspect it was my own insecurity magnifying something almost non-existant into what feels like a real memory, and projecting my fear onto the actions of others.

This self-examination stuff is hard. At first, I only knew that games made me embarassed and uncomfortable. Only after I’d spent time and inflection on other aspects of my psyche could I get deeper than surface-level, and I’m probably still not all the way there. I know, for example, that I’ve struggled for a long time with my relationship with my younger sister, who’s an avid LARPer (Live-Action-Role-Playing Gamer) and is more heavily into that world I’m ashamed of – perhaps the two are related.

Despite the daunting challenge posed by examining my fears and limitations, I’ve become convinced that this process is one of the healthiest, most productive, and most positive things I can do for myself and the company I’m leading.

I’ll give another example.

I’m clearly obsessed with transparency. I want to share everything about myself and our company that I possibly can. It frustrates me bitterly when there’s a subject that’s too sensitive to share or when a topic wouldn’t be empathetic (to some co-worker or third party) to bring up. Just recently, there was a blog post written by a venture capitalist that I wanted to skewer with my own, directly contradictory experience with that person and their firm. It’s still burning a hole in my blogging pocket.

Last summer, as many of you probably know, Geraldine was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She named it Steve. The three weeks leading up to her surgery were probably the toughest of our marriage, and part of that was because of my addiction to transparency.

You see, the Monday after the discovery of her tumor (the prior Wednesday or Thursday), I went into the Mozplex and told our exec team at lunch what was happening and that I might need to take a break for a little while or a long while from work stuff. That afternoon, I called an impromptu company-wide meeting. I stood in front of ~60 Mozzers, including plenty of close friends of Geraldine and mine, and told them about her tumor, and the potential possibilities (we didn’t yet know it was relatively treatable). I was so choked up, I couldn’t get through half the sentences. It wasn’t my finest moment in front of my team. I think I made half the staff cry with me, and probably instilled more fear and uncertainty than anything else. It was Crystal‘s first day at Moz, so I tried to look at her and tell her, since I didn’t know her at all and I couldn’t cry in front of someone new, right? That was probably horribly embarassing, difficult, and unfair for her.

But the worst part was… I hadn’t checked with Geraldine about telling the company.

She later joked about this on her blog and to our friends, but it was a huge, collosal, monstrous fuck-up. Possibly the worst one I’ve made in our 11.5 years together. And of course, she forgave me, and teased me about it, and we moved on (after making some clear rules about sharing). Her tumor turned out to be benign and very slow growing, which means she probably won’t need surgery on it ever again.

This example, to me, proved that it wasn’t just the things that made me feel bad that I needed to diagnose, but the roots of all my obsessions and quirks and traits. That understanding seems to be, at least for me, the first step in the journey to harnessing these elements of myself in the right kinds of ways and controlling what can otherwise be dangerous and harmful to all sorts of aspects of my life – personal and professional.

So where does my transparency come from? Again, I’m fairly sure it’s rooted in my upbringing, and that I don’t completely understand or remember all of the elements. One part that I think I’ve identified is the conflicts that often arose from keeping information secret between myself and my parents, between my teachers and my parents, between my siblings and my parents, between my friends’ parents and my parents, between my granparents and my parents, and even between one parent and the other – it sucked. I’m sure every kid deals with this a little, but I remember having to internalize lies and explanations that would keep me (or someone else) out of trouble far too often.

And, of course, for the first 5 years I worked with my Mom at the company that would become SEOmoz, we had to hide our increasingly large personal debt (which reached nearly $500,000 in 2005) from my Dad. That was horrific. I think it probably hurt our family relationship long-term. I’m pretty sure my Dad’s still incredibly upset about it, despite the eventual, positive outcome.

Transparency for me is a reaction. It’s a rejection of the things I hated having to deal with in my past and a value that I cling to so I, hopefully, won’t have those same issues in the future. It’s an obsession that makes me more critical than is probably fair to individuals and organizations who fail to be transparent (ahem, Google).

For me, this process has become rinse and repeat. I react strongly to something, and I try to question why I feel that way. Sometimes it’s weeks or months before that first epiphany hits me about the experiences or feelings tied to the emotion. Sometimes it’s the same afternoon. But every time I do it, it feels like a power-up — like I’m little Mario and I just ate a mushroom and now I’m big Mario and I can reach higher blocks and take more damage from Lakitu throwing those annoying little spiky dudes. It’s a great feeling, but more important, it gives me a place to start from in controlling the emotion and harnessing the good parts while reducing the bad. I love it.

If you’ve gotten this far, I’d urge you to try your own short experiment in self-examination.

Identify an element of your self, your personality, or how you react to certain situations, people, or stimuli that’s strong and relatively consistent (it can be positive or negative – likely it’s at least a little bit of both)

Try to remember and list all the earliest experiences you’ve had that relate to that element – very often these are from childhood or early adulthood.

Conduct a critical examination of the relationships between those experiences and your reactions today. Is there a pattern? Is there a reason you might be overly embracing or harshly rejecting something because of those experiences?

Repeat as best you can, especially if you find a behavior or an attitude that you suspect may be harming your ability to grow/mature, love/find closeness, achieve a goal/overcome a barrier, or find happiness/reduce anger.

If you’re feeling especially transparent and are brave enough to share your discovery in a blog post, please leave it in the comments here, and I’d be thrilled to include it as a link in the post (update, check out posts from Aaron Friedman here and John Doherty here).

I know very little about formal psychology or therapy, though I want to learn more, and might explore that path myself. Certainly, if the help of a professional can help discover these roots and get me on a path to better self-awareness, I’d be really excited to attempt it.

Thanks for your transparency Rand ;-). I will write about being perfectionist.

http://www.iloveseo.net Gianluca Fiorelli

Interesting post, and somehow I see myself reflected… with the addition that for my age (I’m 10 years older than you Rand) all you lived was amplified because of an even bigger misunderstanding by elder people.
Said that, I can tell you that I was lucky enough in having a dad who was as geek as I was for certain things.
Making it short: I too feel still a little of sense of guilt when I indulge a sunday afternoon, when all doing the siesta, in killing orcs and some other monster of Middle Earth online, but than I think how much that – or reading a science fiction novel – is able to make my mind switch off from the daily constant topics (from work to the care of my kids), and how that is positive. My mind rests and so I can regenare my forces and have my “green life bar” recharging.
By the way, if you want to share some time playing online, just ping me. We could organize an “SEO Command” with some other dudes

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

Once I get over my mental block, that sounds like an excellent offer

Thanks Gianluca

http://twitter.com/ScullyMark Mark Scully

Great post Rand, always appreciate the honest and transparent opinions you share.

If it makes you feel better, there’s no harm with enjoying games. Everyone needs some hobby in their life which they can enjoy by themselves.

If you were a 2D gaming character..

http://twitter.com/Nicholas_Sayers Nick Sayers

LOL! Nice.

Ryan

It’s interesting to me that you bring up, your shame/guilt for these interests and the fact that you feel/felt you had to hide them, but yet you also are “clearly obsessed with transparency”.

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

Agreed. I think that conflict is one of the red flags for me that says “these things are in opposition to each other! This demands investigation!”

IamJoshing

I have been working on a social good startup (for profit) focused on innovating parts of the nonprofit realm. My biggest concern good and bad is transparency. It is hard to explain making money from nonprofits even when you are providing value. Rand you and SEOmoz have taught me tons about SEO, but more importantly I have been learning about how you run a thriving business. Your transparency (honesty, integrity, and leadership) is inspiring. Thank you.

Alan

Rand I don’t want to rain on your parade as you have been very honest and brave in this post but have you ever thought that all that “transparency” is just a way of loading up others with your own problems? Quite often people who work for/and with you have their own problems, which they are not sharing with others because they do not want to burden them.

Your transparency may be your coping mechanism but it is not always good to share. When trying to work out what you should and should not share. There is a good but totally apt adage : “If you haven’t got something good to say then don’t say anything at all.” I don’t mean this in a bad way. I mean it in the sense that your employee’s have their own problems and being distracted by money/venture capital worries is probably not conducive to them performing at their best.

I understand that you are coming from a good place and you mean well and in some circumstances your employee’s et al should be told the full and terrible truth. However it is probably something they don’t need to be reminded of every day.

Anyway.. just saying.. keep up the good work.

http://www.fetch123.com/SEM Markus Allen

Ding, ding and ding.

This is one of the best comments I’ve read here in a L O N G time.

Here’s the big problem – we’ve been trained to be politically correct (Google this: frankfurt school political correctness). It’s part of the artificial system we live in (which is repugnant to me quite frankly)…

… And you can’t be transparent in a politically correct system. Impossible. Zero chance.

(Yes, I fell for the same trap more than a decade ago. Been there, done that.)

By the way, gaming too is artificial – I could go on for hours and hours on why gaming is awful for society as a whole.

And in our artificial system, we have a caste system – winners and losers… owners and employees, etc. The harsh reality is they don’t mix. Look into Nimrod about this.

I’ve been trying to tell this to Rand, but he just thinks I’m being negative.

Ah, the new age – another artificial creation.

Jenn Mathews

Wow I gotta say you both have a point but there is a level that Rand reaches with sharing you don’t seem to be grasping. While Rand seeks support he also provides it and had for many people.

And while I am not much for gaming, my son is and so is a cloee friend and brother of said poster who has shown me first hand that Games can be good. My son has a relationship with his cousin now as they talk daily rather than seeing each other 2x a year for holidays. Not t mention the problem solving skills and teamwork they develop.

http://twitter.com/everywhereist Geraldine

I don’t see what political correctness has to do with transparency. Rand isn’t ascribing to any sort of pre-arranged set of rules. If anything, quite the opposite – most CEOs don’t share nearly as much as Rand does.

I think his efforts are a direct challenge to the caste system of owners and employees. He believes that everyone at Moz has just as much a right to important information as he does. They’ve made Moz what it is. They ARE Moz. They should be able to ask questions and know what’s going on at the company that they’ve helped build.

http://www.fetch123.com/SEM Markus Allen

I’ll give an age old example for you Geraldine…

… When my mistress asks me “Do I look fat in this dress”, I tell her “Yes you do.” Because she does look fat in that dress.

But we ALL know what comes next. And it ain’t pretty. My transparency is a surefire path to the doghouse. My sex life is over. No more desserts, either (because I know you like your desserts, Geraldine).

A politically correct (non-transparent) person would lie. And that lie is political correctness, not transparency.

That’s why society blows these days. Because we’re all lying to each other. White lies, small lies and whopper of all lies are all lies no matter how we spin it.

But for me, it was the best honesty ever, because since then I’ve been exercising (to Tony Horton’s 10 Minute Trainer) – been doing it 1,441 days straight. And now some ask what’s my secret to look so great.

Most people can’t handle the truth because we’re trained to be politically correct.

In simple speak, transparency doesn’t work in an artificial society.

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

At Moz, we have 6 core values in TAGFEE. Transparency and empathy are two of them. Empathy trumps transparency for us, and there are often times when we have to bite our tongues and either A) find an empathetic way to share information or B) determine it’s not important enough to communicate the information and be un-empathetic.

Your examples, to me, seem very surface-level and based in a not-totally-rational and probably politically-motivated frame of mind, rather than being constructive and highly relevant to the post. If you do have some personal examples from the professional world to share that help highlight the downsides of transparency, I’d certainly be interested. I have plenty myself, and yet still find the practice to be better on the whole than the alternatives.

I was hoping I’d get a quick “absolutely not… never faked Twitter followers” reply, but instead got silence. And I know you saw my comment because you replied to everyone else’s comment except mine.

I have more examples if you’d like (which includes some Shoemoney stuff).

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

I don’t remember you asking, but you’re correct – the answer is absolutely not… have never done anything but tweet, and never followed more than ~100 people.

http://twitter.com/everywhereist Geraldine

I am absolutely bewildered by the progression of this argument. As far as I can gather, it goes like this:

1. We cannot, within the society we live in, hope to be truly transparent. Constructs will always exist. Rand’s claims to the contrary are myopic.

2. Supporting evidence of this claim is used through personal, anecdotal evidence which claims that some people CAN be transparent, but they suffer for it. However, none of those examples have to do with professional interactions.

3. Rand buys Twitter followers. His failure to respond to every single ridiculous accusation he’s faced proves this fact.

I … I’m going to go lie down.

http://www.fetch123.com/SEM Markus Allen

Wowwy zowwy.

You sure are putting words in my mouth, Geraldine. Quite manipulative. And I don’t appreciate that.

I wasn’t looking to get into a verbal spar here (but I’m game any time).

Rand asked for feedback in this post. Is this selective feedback? Should only those who kiss his glutes be invited to participate?

Here’s the simple truth:

Transparency and honesty (in a personal or professional setting) is virtually impossible in the artificial system we live in. We can thank (ironically) the Rand Corporation for this. Look into the Delphi Technique – consensus building… the herd mentality.

When the sheep herder makes friends with his sheep, the end is not pretty.

Winners and losers… employers and employees… kings and proletariot are all like oil and water – they just don’t mix.

I know, I know – it sucks, but it is what it is.

http://twitter.com/everywhereist Geraldine

I think you are making a lot of assumptions about the innerworkings of Moz that aren’t true. As someone who has worked at a struggling start-up, I can tell you that even when the execs leave you in the dark, you are still acutely aware of the fact that the company is struggling. For me, the less I heard, the more difficult and nerve-wracking it was.

Sure enough, when things got REALLY silent, when the execs got really unresponsive, that was the sign that things were going south.

Rand’s openness, his commitment to sharing, is an effort to avoid all of that. He believes people should know what is going on in their company. He’s trying to break down one of the many barriers between execs and other employees. The idea that information isn’t shared openly between people on all management levels is one of the biggest problems I’ve seen at companies – the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. People feel uninformed, unimportant, and excluded. They get scared, they get worried, and they disengage from their company. Rand’s openness is an attempt to eliminate all of that.

He does not, as you suggest, hover over their heads and make them worry about finances. He has never done that, even when things were really dire.

“If you haven’t got something good to say then don’t say anything at all.”

Seriously? I can’t think of a single company (or relationship, for that matter) where that mentality would work. How would you discuss employees who need to improve? How would you address budgets that were not met? Would you just stay silent until the company went underwater? Great everyone with a smile, and then one day, while smiling, say, “Hey! We’re out of money! Sorry! I would have said something before, but, you know …”

Alan

Geraldine are you telling me you think SEOMOZ is about to go underwater?

“He has never done that, even when things were really dire.”

I have read some “interesting” tweets by Rand towards the end of last year but I didn’t think things were that bad.

My text that you quoted above is not meant to be done in all cases, it isn’t a hard and fast rule. However there is a valid argument to be made that you shouldn’t over burden your employee’s with your own problems.

Anyway as Rand replied below it is clash of beliefs.

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

I think we’ll have to agree to disagree. Our beliefs about the value of transparency likely stem from very different types of experiences, which is fine. The one thing I will say in transparency’s favor is that, for those who come to work at Moz, or those who interact with me, they know that they’re entering a very transparent environment and one where open sharing is going to happen all the time. This means, of course, that if it’s not a match (as it sounds like it wouldn’t be for you), they can easily walk away.

Alan

All I am saying Rand is that there are things you tell your friends and their are things you tell your loved ones and there are things to tell your employee’s. Sometimes they overlap often they don’t, In your example I can understand why your wife would have been a bit “surprised” that you told your staff.

Guess what? a lot of your staff would have been surprised you told them also!

I am not saying it is bad to be transparent, I am just saying if your coping mechanism in life is to load up other people with your problems then you aren’t being fair to them.

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

If sharing something isn’t empathetic, I try not to do it. However, if hiding information is unempathetic, I try even harder to avoid that. If I’m going to err, it’s on the side of too much transparency, not too little.

Alan

While I have your attention there is something about SEOMOZ that has me puzzled.

I know I will get flamed for this one also. When is SEOMOZ no longer going to be a startup? I have been floating around the site since about 2008 or so and archive.org shows that the site had content back in 2005. So why does SEOMOZ still have a startup mentality?

In the time that SEOMOZ has been a startup.Other SEO firms come/grow be bought out or die or whatever. SEOMOZ plods along “startup mode”.

I am starting to get the impression that SEOMOZ is like that career academic we all know. The type that says he would love to have a job outside of the academic environment but can’t find anything that suits. However, you know the real problem is that they don’t want to leave their comfort zone.

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

The word “startup” as it’s defined by the early stage tech community in the US, refers to a company that is in a high-growth mode, heading toward a liquidity event. Early stage startups are those with 1-10 people, still trying to discover a business model that scales repeatably. Mid-stage startups, like Moz, are growing, but aren’t yet ubiquitious or huge in revenue. Late-stage startups (folks like those mentioned here: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/05/technology/growing-numbers-of-start-ups-are-worth-a-billion-dollars.html) are further along, worth more, generally much larger, and on the cusp of those liquidity/exit events.

All that said – the startup mentality can be adopted by anyone, big or small, and it has advantages and disadvantages. I’d say that Moz acts like a startup in some ways but not others, but we ARE a startup by any modern definition of the word.

http://twitter.com/simon_realbuzz Simon Doyle

Rand, geek pursuits is the new rock n roll so just roll with it.

http://twitter.com/dirktolken Dirk Tolken

As long as you have thick rimmed hipster glasses…

O_Breda

Rand, I’ve read you for quite a while. While I’m sure than anybody on this planet can improve, I think you are already in such a good position, that it’s hard for me to give any piece of advice on how to become better.

From my part, just keep up the good work you do.

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

There’s no doubt that hiding that information all those years led to the increased pressure that kept us going when the logical move would have been to declare bankruptcy and do something else (blog post on that here: http://moz.com/rand/just-keep-going/). But yeah, like the Horses parable, it’s hard to know whether the end result will be a net positive or negative.

Melina Martinez

This may sound like a platitude, but the other thing I struggle with is how to stop focusing on results. The thought came to me as I read your “net positive or negative” comment. For me the results are so vital to me feeling in place, sure, and like I’m firmly planted, but often focusing on them destroys my ability to experience the journey. I’m still working on this. Most everything in my life as a marketer is focused on results. As a student, I focused on success, and achievement. Now as mother, 10 years post college, I’m trying to learn to say “to hell with the results.” and focus on the journey. Perhaps then there is no great accounting. No netting, no summing, no tyranny of the bottom line, just the present tense.

Recently my son (who is 11), studied his butt off for a social studies test. He is dyslexic, ADHD, and struggles in school, but he is such a fighter and determined to do well on his test. The night before the test, he cried and pushed and cajoled as he demanded that I quiz him over and over and over. He was bellowing that he wanted a 100%! I was worried that he was too focused on the result, and not on the journey of learning, but at the same time I admired and felt a kinship to his determination and ambition. He got a 100% on that test. But I didn’t reward him for it. I told him that I was proud of him for working so hard, and we’ve set up a time to do something special together as a reward for his “efforts” and not for the result. I want him to learn sooner than I am about appreciating the process and the journey, before he becomes a man haunted by that bottom line. So that a 60% or 70% would be OK with him, if he knew he tried as best he could and made the decisions he wanted to make, because he was aware of the journey.

Maybe none of that makes sense, but it’s part of the self-awareness journey, I’m on now anyway. And yes, I have professional help, and it’s the best investment of my time out of everything else I do. Thanks for your post Rand.

Andrea Grassi

Great post Rand.
I am a fan of your writings and this one is probably the best one, thank you for sharing.

What you shared today is personal, and it shows how everyone struggles to get it right.
There are no superpowers involved here. Everyone has a different path to learn and yours sure was tough.

I happened to be too much transparent in the past. Now I try to weight what I say but it’s not easy, yet I try my best.

There you will find some techniques to explore who you are inside. I’m sure you are smart enough to apply them with no downsides.

Andrea

http://www.feld.com bfeld

This is fucking brilliant. I love working with you. And do the world a favor and call out the VC who is doing what so many people do – project one image via his/her writing, but then act completely differently.

Jenn Mathews

I second that

http://twitter.com/marcbarros Marc Barros

Third that

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

Maybe I’ll run that by you before I write it And thanks Brad, it’s been incredible working with (and getting to know you & Amy, too).

Melissa Weidenborner

Wow, Rand. Wow. I love your blog, and pretty much everything I hear that you do for your SEO Moz staffers, but this blog post brought me to tears. The social media universe works in mysterious ways, because this is exactly what I needed to read this week. Thank you for your honesty.

Jenn Mathews

You and I went to the same school and I believe were ostrisized in a similar way. I was because of my obsession with horses, Star Wars, and animals in general.

Later I learned to embrace my odd side and now am completely out with it as it makes me who I am. I figure people are going to love it or leave it, and those that love it are worth being my friends.

I also know your transparency comes from your Mom. She has never been one to hold back and she makes it a point to spread that in her teachings to others.

http://twitter.com/HaraldPfennig Harald Pfennig

Rand, I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.

About the last paragraph: When my first long and serious relationship ended, I found myself in a rather deep personal crisis (even tough or because it was me who quit). I consulted an empathic psychologist and reflected my feelings about her and my attitude towards women in general. What I shall I say? I really learned a lot about myself – but it was a… painful journey. 😉 (sometimes after 45 minutes of talking I felt exhausted like after running a marathon).
So Rand, I can only recommend to you to find some expert who listens to your view and starts to ask questions every once in a while. Believe me, he or she will help you to reveal aspects and especially emotions of your life that you would never have noted by yourself – at least not in such a clear view.

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

Thanks for sharing that Harald. I think I need to at least give it a try.

http://twitter.com/dohertyjf John Doherty

My friend –

Great stuff here. I think you’ve started on a journey that far too few people in this world have the balls to start down, and it looks like you are making good headway. As someone who has been on a very similar journey for the past 7 years (that’s right, it’s a long process), I can say that it’s completely worth it but you’ll feel like hell at times. Push through it my friend, be brave, and keep talking with those close to you about it.

One piece of advice – sometimes the best thing you can do is talk to the other people involved after you realize where something is originating from. Just like you talked w/ G about your ill-timed chat w/ Moz about her tumor, and saw your relationship actually grow through it, the same thing can happen with other relationships. I had a situation with my father some years ago that I realized was affecting me greatly (I realized it at the beginning of my journey) and through having a tough and honest conversation with him, our relationship became much stronger.

Push forward, man. Excited to see what peace you dig up!

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

I’d love to hear more about your journey, John. Hopefully we’ll be in the same city soon and can swap stories.

http://twitter.com/dohertyjf John Doherty

Would love to. I’ll see you in Portland in a few weeks for SearchFest!

http://www.blindfiveyearold.com AJ Kohn

A thought-provoking post. I’m not sure I or anyone can really provide much advice. I tend to think we all have to take our own journey. How one discovers and … actualizes (yikes, did I say that?) is very personal.

I’m constantly taking a self-inventory and, frankly, am very hard on myself. I’ve had a crisis of confidence a few times and those were brought on largely by myself and not anyone else. It’s important to talk those gremlins out of your head.

For me I embrace the things that shaped me, the good and the bad. I was grew up in Philadelphia in the Rocky era with the name Adrien (Yo Adrian!).

I wasn’t a popular kid. I was overweight. Fat? I don’t know but I wasn’t like the other kids. Oh, did I mention I played the flute? That’s a big winner in High School. I didn’t get picked on that much because I had a few people who stuck up for me. Scary people. Popular people. To this day I don’t know why they did, but I’m thankful.

But for whatever reason, maybe it was the music I listened to or my voracious reading habits (I regularly read Heinlein and Vonnegut) I decided that I wasn’t going to give a damn about what others thought of me. That’s helped me enormously.

The final bit (of this rambling response) is that I embraced my contradictions. At times I struggled with why I could be so short tempered in once instance (so unkind) and then generous in another. People don’t like ambiguity, particularly moral ambiguity but I think understanding that you’re not all good or all bad lets you get rid of all that effort to make sense of it all.

And that is a gift, one that I hope you one day obtain.

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

Embracing contradictions while keeping a balanced mind sounds like a challenge indeed! I’ve been trying more to rid myself of the conflicts between those (e.g. why do I refuse to play games if I know I enjoy them) rather than embrace them and let them exist, but perhaps it’s worth considering both strategies.

Thanks a ton for sharing AJ – really awesome of you.

http://www.blindfiveyearold.com AJ Kohn

Like I said, everyone takes a different path and journey. So maybe that’s not for you. For me resolving to be comfortable with contradictions works. I spend less energy figuring it all out and more on just … being.

I appreciate you sharing because it let me reflect on where I am. I tend to like fiction (I think it’s more truthful than non-fiction) so I recommend The Ghost In Love by Jonathan Carroll.

“My therapy may be short lived and have no huge practical application in my life. Or maybe it will change who I am. I’m not sure yet. And it doesn’t really matter.

I went because something felt wrong, and I wanted to figure out what. I still don’t know exactly what was bothering me. I do know that after just two weeks and three sessions, I’m much more relaxed about everything in my life. I’ve been practicing breathing. I’ve been practicing finesse. Now I’m going to practice being more present in the moment, turning off the ADHD.

I find it interesting that whenever I mention I’ve been seeing a therapist, the person I’m talking with always says something like, “Oh! What’s it like? I’ve been wanting to do that but don’t know where to begin.” Is this one of those things that happens when we turn forty? Is this like needing glasses? I don’t know. But I’m curious to see what other things therapy will teach me about myself.”

Introspection is something we all do from time to time, but if you feel you have things that are holding you back in your life then it’s well worth giving it a go, imho.

http://twitter.com/benlanders benlanders

Where did you find Jerry? All the people I think would be amazing business coaches have zero desire to do so (at least not in a formal way). Another reason I consider myself incredibly lucky that I have @bobperini (there’s an inverse correlation between the number of followers Bob has on Twitter and his business sense).

Andrew Johnson

Rand, this is a very inspiring post to read on a Wednesday morning.

I’ve struggled with passive-aggressiveness in my life, to the point where I internalize so many things that I eventually crash and burn. I can pinpoint a specific time in my childhood that caused me to recoil, and I’m going to make it a point to take you up on your challenge and spend some time examining my personality.

Thanks a ton for sharing this.

Ted Kritikos

So many entrepreneurs are successful because they insisted on going against the grain. Interesting to read about one looking back on why he felt he couldn’t/shouldn’t (at least socially).

http://twitter.com/Nicholas_Sayers Nick Sayers

Excellent post! It always amazes me how much being around other people can make you examine yourself. I ran into all of the same problems about gaming. I was a geek and a loser. I owned it at an early age because my dad was pretty idealistic and fervently believed in loyalty. This wasn’t just for friends and family, but for the things you love. Another thing that is even hard to explain today, is my love for horror films. When I was younger people were really put off when I laughed during Evil Dead 2 or could walk you through the Halloween films. No matter what people said, I stuck to being myself and ended up with the coolest girl ever (for me)! I met Becky gaming on Counter-Strike and we bonded because we both loved horror(her even more than I) and sci-fi films. If I had turned my back on either of those loves I probably wouldn’t have my greatest love. In retrospect, having the courage to discover who I am has made my life amazing and beautiful.

You should blog about the VC experience even if you don’t name names. Just make sure to give them a fair shake even if they may have not given you one. I’d love to hear more about your road to self discovery! Keep ’em coming.

http://twitter.com/ATAgnello Andrew Agnello

This was a very interesting read and I’m sure all of us can identify with you on some level. Keep gaming! Everyone needs something to be passionate about in addition to work. Some game, travel, make music or collect Star Wars figures. If it’s something you like doing and you aren’t Dexter Morgan, then do it!

Curtis Noble

wow, amazing insights. I think it takes a high level of consciousness to deliberately examine ourselves and make corrections. Your level of transparency is very healthy. It’s honesty. I think many of us would find that the most difficult person to be honest with is ourselves. That’s why these kinds of self examinations are often painful. A book comes to mind that you might enjoy..Leadership and Self Deception. It’s a companion book to a leadership course my company provided to us called Arbinger. It was pretty insightful and judging by this post, you would probably like it. In fact, it might be beneficial to your entire team.

http://www.facebook.com/alwaysasiren Elizabeth Crouch

Excellent post, Rand. I’ve always warred with my geek-shame, too. I kept my late-night video gaming, IRC roleplaying, sci-fi/fantasy novel reading, and extreme nerdery a closely guarded secret through high school and college. I’m only just now learning to let my geek flag fly … thanks in part to living in a healthily nerdy, yet hip, enclave like Seattle—and especially to working in a fun, supportive environment like Moz. I know that hiding certain aspects of myself from certain people is a systemic pattern left over from childhood, and something I’m trying to stop doing in my Quest for More Authenticity in 2013. Thanks for sharing your own experience, and for creating such an awesome atmosphere at Moz!

http://moz.com/Rand Rand Fishkin

Thanks Elizabeth! I love your naming convention “Quest for More Authenticity.” I never really connected this process and the challenge of becoming self-aware with the value of authenticity, but it’s a perfect fit. I feel like I just ate another mushroom

http://twitter.com/dan_shure Dan Shure

Wow this was incredibly personal. Almost makes talking about business failures seem “easy”. I know it’d be tough for me to dig up stuff that goes back to childhood etc.

I did a ton of informal studying of psychology in my 20’s. I think you’d find Cognitive Psychology particular interesting – specifically the concept of “Cognitive Distortions” as talked about in david Burns book “Feeling Good”

Briefly, the idea is;

– all day we have mental scripts and habits (thoughts) running in our head – we’re often unaware of them.

– as events happen throughout the day, our mind “reacts” and thinks these thoughts

– so we go through the day experiencing emotions and we have no idea where they may be coming from. If someone says something “rude” and in our head we think “that person is a jerk” we then feel angry. Yet that person is not really a “jerk” – they did something in that moment that pissed us off. But all we know is we feel angry and don’t know why.

That’s the idea. Not 100% applicable as THE psychological cure to everything, but was a DAMN good place for me to start.

Didn’t know your wife has been sick, Rand.
I hope she continues to do well!
David

Benjamin Angel

I’m not sure if another person has commented on this, but is the transparency linked to your shame of games? Forgive me if I skipped a sentence where you said this, but why would you bring those two up together in this article? By being so transparent, it’s also a way to prove you are a certain kind of person. You’re obviously being very transparent about your love and shame of video games now, but were you in the past? I obviously don’t really know anything about you outside of this post, so take everything with a large grain of salt. It just strikes me that your post revolves around something you hid and caused you immense shame, and something you do that puts things so blatantly out in the public to see. Pride and Shame are opposites. Usually one thing we feel pride over (transparency) is used to hide something we’re ashamed of (video games).

galestaf

Thanks for this post, Rand. I learned a lot from you in this one. Similar to what I got out of Brad Feld’s recent “Be Vulnerable” post. Thanks.

Ivan Ayliffe

You’ve nailed it here, Rand.

amitkadam

excellent post rand
after reading this post, lots of memories of my life journey are appearing in front of my eyes now
thanks again to sharing this post.

http://www.facebook.com/habit47 Ivan Ayliffe

Honesty. With yourself, and with others.
Courage. To be honest in spite of consequence.
Passion. To tackle consequences and weave them into a stronger, wider foundation on which to place more greatness. You’ve nailed it, Rand. Thanks for the post.

aboer

Rand, I liked this piece a lot. I am also an occasional gamer (both the video and BoardGameGeek variety) and I feel your shame. I think that a lot of the embarrassment associated with gaming is because no matter how popular and mainstream they become, they still feel fundamentally like a youthful, indulgent waste of time. A childish thing, to be put away.
I recently found myself embarrassed to join my 10 yr old son’s Clash of Clan’s clan, because I didn’t want his friends to know his Dad also played.

http://www.facebook.com/martinalwelke Martina Welke

Thank you for this post, Rand, and for many others that have provoked and inspired me in the past. I’ve become increasingly aware of the opportunities life gives us for the type of deep, difficult self-examination you describe, and how important it is just to be willing to notice. You could easily have let the moment on that bus pass you by with little or no reflection, but instead you chose to dive into an exploration that can be terrifying and exhausting.
I’ve recently had a similar experience with my tendency to try to control and fix situations- both in my own life and those I care about. Running a startup, I’ve been humbled again and again by the surprises and general lack of order I’m confronted with, yet I still try to maintain the illusion that I have the control. I’m at the beginning of a long journey to get to the root of that, and it’s encouraging to read about your process and bravery. Seattle is lucky to have you as a leader.

http://saralingafelter.com/ Sara Lingafelter

I’m a bit of a seeker, myself, and someday when we have that double date I’d be happy to share a little bit of my own experiences. Cognitive-behavioral therapy can be really helpful for some people; for me, I found that I could just talk my way through and around it, without actually GETTING anywhere on the issues I was there to work on. It took me awhile to find a talk-therapist whose approach I couldn’t just intellectualize my way through; and talk-therapy has been really valuable to me (in addition to a variety of other things including working with a coach, and, making time for meditation and time to just be still with myself) in both learning new behaviors and in working to heal some old wounds. Thank you for sharing, Rand… it’s a joy to hear from a leader whose “problem” is “too much” transparency.

MDS

Dude. I had no idea your first computer was a TI-99/4A! Same here! Via Basic I taught myself how to copy/paste my name 10million times, made a character called Mr. Bojangles dance on the screen with a delightful (surely obnoxious) two-tone beeping sound, the cassette-tape backup process, and of course games. To this day I never did finish Adventure and think of it from time to time. I tried so hard to navigate the cave “Go South” “Go North” “Look Wall”, mapped it out on paper, but couldn’t figure it out and eventually gave up or started over: “Say Yoho” [The world spins around you appear back on the beach].

I’ve always said I was going to give it a try again some day as I eventually did with Mike Tyson’s Punch Out on the NES. At least now I know that next time you visit I’ll have a wing-man who’ll stay up late and help finally finish that damn game!

http://www.lifestyleupdated.com/ Slavko Desik

This was simply… GREAT.

I don’t know the books you are reading on modern psychology, but you sure delved deeper into the subject.

I also don’t know whether it is the evaluation that you make or just the reflection of some parts of myself that I see in this post that really made me comment.

Having said that, transparency is a big “issue” of mine too. I feel the need to explain everything that I do, say, feel even.The fact that I’m 22 hardly makes it easier. I try to hide my geeky pursuits, though I tilt towards transparency for probably the same reason. To be accepted, I guess.

Video games were never my thing, though I enjoyed some real time strategy some years ago. It was just recently that I started discovering my geeky side. Like collecting MTG, starting to enjoy books on philosophy (at the mention of which my girlfriend freaks out), being obsessed about web development, SEO…

Feeling slightly ashamed ( if that’s the word I can use) is probably due to the fact that I always felt marginalized even while growing up. Prior to two years ago, when due to certain circumstances I had to quit, I was playing the violin almost all my life. Practicing for hours every day and listening to classical music hardly made me fit in with people out of those circles. I guess that’s why I adopted things like fitness, all the way to some recreational form of mountain biking. To fit in…

If I would have to throw in a theory, it would be that some people are extroverts, while having all of the passion and excitement for certain things as an introvert would. We love being accepted and be a part of a group (hence the need for transparency), but we delight ourselves over the fact that we can privately enjoy some other passions, interests, something that resonates more deeply with who we are. (as to fit in I could have chosen many other things, but I still went for what an introvert would have chosen).

You should really start writing on this subject more. I mean psychology as a whole. Though I know a handful of bloggers who will lose their audience.

Adarsh Nalam

This is immense Rand (or Mr Fishkin). Having a post like this out in the public domain with a profile like yours is very interesting. I’d even go as far as saying it’s unsettling.

jerrycolonna

That self-awareness, Rand–what I like to think of as a kind of radical self-inquiry, is a necessary component of true compassion–the act of being with someone else’s feelings–perhaps the most universal of all the ways we can help others.
Beautiful post.

Ryan Glass

Thanks for the great read, Rand.

Self-realization is an amazing and vital process. As the natural problem-solvers and strategists that many of us like to be, focusing on the person I am today and the person I want to be is a highly rewarding endeavor. As you said, examine a behavior, determine why it’s happening and what would really be the best way to tackle it instead, and then implement a better plan.

Then again, that’s also the route to proper min-maxing like a gamer.

Rodney Goldston

Rand – Being transparent at work builds REAL connections. Do not shun it. What people think about your transparency is not important. What is important is that they think about your transparency.

Jeanie

First, thanks for your candid and thoughtful post. Working
in the technology sector for most of my career, I’ve seen a lot. When you
released the tenets, I was
attempting to explain to the company I was at how critical it was to adopt the
tenets, and why. It was a disingenuous place to be, frankly filled with
meanness and petty fiefdoms. Needless to say, it wasn’t any fun and my biggest
fear was that the low atmosphere was rubbing off on me. In fact, I know that it
did – and I didn’t like myself or what I was becoming while I was there. After
I left, it took time to work the poison out of my system. I’m convinced that the
company’s real culture (not the one they touted) was steeped in a lack of real
transparency as a core issue. We are gregarious creatures. If leadership is
forthcoming, the gossip will start. It is human nature to need to know. In the
end, they talked a good game, but in truth, they were anything but.

I don’t know if it was hard on the leaders, but it certainly
was for most of the employees. (Probably including the staff that exhibited the
bad behavior in order to “go along” and “get noticed.”)

It got to the point years later where I couldn’t distinguish
between what I felt was the truth, and what I was told was “the truth…” Or
was I projecting? And why was I so angry? How had I become such a cold person –
this wasn’t ‘me.’ I finally wrote to a fantastic psychologist and explained my dilemma.
His comforting 7-word response was: How many red flags do you need?

So, for whatever issues you have around transparency – to be, or not to be – having been
subjected to the exact opposite of the SEOmoz tenets, I can tell you it is a
precious and highly valued thing. Whether your employees tell you or not, it is
so much healthier and comforting. And it shows true leadership: to be
courageously open is very powerful. Thanks again, Rand.

Blake Barnes

Rand, I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to hear your candor and openness. As far as running SEOmoz like a start-up, Steve Jobs always endearingly refereed to Apple as the largest start-up on the planet, great minds…. I too have been on the path of self discovery for years and have gained a lot from Shawn Achor, the most popular professor at Harvard. I am not suggesting you’re not happy, quite the contrary, only that in order to be our best we always strive to be better and, well, happier as a result. If you are on the journey of self discovery and want a scientific look at happiness I know you’ll enjoy this TED talk. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXy__kBVq1M . If you don’t have time to watch the 12:29 second version, here are the abridged action items in less than 4 minutes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klvuLVvmEZQ . I’m a big believer in “He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.”
― Lao Tzu
Very sincerely, thank you for sharing and enriching your readers in this post and in your advocacy of transparency.

Really helping hand post. If you want to become doing seo this help is very helpful.

Joel Glenn Wright

Rand,

Your intense self-examination and relentless pursuit of bone-crushing honesty and transparency are has really moved me in a deep way. Personal Transparency and the Pursuit of higher self-awareness are not major priorities for a majority of society. However, there are a few of us who, for whatever reason (although usually its a painful one) decide to pursue that path. I see and understand what you are going though (having gone through it, myself) and I am impressed with your mental/emotional/spiritual depth and while I will not attempt to “Tell You What To Do”, I will say this: I’ve found that in times of fear, shame, or pain that you just walk straight through no matter what.

emcgillivray

<3s. Also it's the age of geek!

My super late comment

Gerard Gravallese

Rand, you’re a people pleaser. You feel guilty because you’re having fun playing a video game rather than helping Geraldine with the shopping. I’m guessing. Anyway, you know my high opinion of you. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help you figure out why you are the way you are. It helped me understand and navigate certain emotional triggers that I didn’t have any more use for, and I made a lot of positive changes. Y’know I think the reason we’re in the business we’re in is because we’re fascinated by human behavior. Keep digging.

http://twitter.com/jeremycabral Jeremy Cabral

Rand, I have been thinking about this post quite a lot lately. I was planning to write a response post, but then realised that I had written already about this when I wrote about my life purpose: http://www.windinyoursail.com/my-life-purpose/

I have a habit of always putting others first. It’s deep rooted and I find it really difficult to consider myself and put myself first in life. I’m learning more and more about the importance of doing that, and the notion of ‘if you don’t love yourself, how can you possibly love others?’

I am obsessed with helping others wherever I can in my personal life and through my work. I think due to that life experience I noted in my blog post, I’ll forever be this way.

Thanks for your posts Rand and for encouraging introspection. This blog is a really special gift to many people.

Dr. Kate Siner

My new book is right in line with you are exploring here, Rand. “Life Fulfillment Formula” is a simple and powerful handbook on how cultivating Awareness in the key to fulfillment, success and making a positive impact in the world – as well as be able to play video games and not feel guilty.
Learn more http://www.leadershipsuccessinc.com/life-fulfillment-formula-book

http://twitter.com/NatashaJarmick Natasha Jarmick

I really enjoyed reading this – and some of the more negative/ “let’s just get on board and try to be negative and pick at any word or phrase that could be interpreted differently” comments are just annoying. Instead of “if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything” how about “if you have nothing productive to say, don’t comment on Rand’s blog”

Anyway…I really appreciate this (and all) post(s) because I am a huge advocate for transparency within a company. I have become very aware that most of any unhappiness I feel in my day-to-day at work always stems from a lack of transparency (or my perception of the lack of transparency) from the higher-ups.

I also love that you reveal such personal things about yourself through your blog post. I have read so many of your posts and it is very rare to have a CEO/founder of an interesting company having an open and thought-provoking dialogue with the public. None of those “top 10 ways” and ghost-written post bullshit. Actual, interesting content that is clearly written and ideated by the author whose name is on the blog.

So thanks, from a marketer-blogger who appreciates your blog. Keep writing

Ian Mariano

I am checking my inbox every other minute. I had a meeting with a multi-national company that could be my biggest break in my SEO career, and yet I am shaking inside “if I have what it takes.”

Rand your post tells me that maybe, if other people like you, far more visible and influential, can feel shit scared, maybe it’s ok I’m a little nervous and not as confident as I should be.

Now that I think about it: this is the 3rd time I’ve googled “rand fish personal blog posts” and every time I was neck deep in self doubt.

P.S — Geraldine. You are awesome. I hope all is well. I like the new hair.

-farmer, gentlemanwithbrains.com

Howdy! I'm Rand

Co-founder of Moz and Inbound.org, startup junkie, frequent traveler, blogger, social media addict and evangelist of all things TAGFEE. More about me here.