fill up every second

went to the doctor to get my prescription. I said “it’s an antidepressant with side effects but don’t remember what it’s called,” but he had it written down in his little file. & he gave me 6months worth. hurrah! I hate going there. hate the waiting un-room & the stupid children’s area. but they bulk bill & are probably the only place left in the country that still does.

I dreamt last night that I was in an institution with lots of other girls, and there was a man, a guard or security guy, who was very cruel to me, and would cut me every day with little jagged pieces of broken glass. I wouldn’t tell anyone what he was doing to me because there was no way to prove it, but I did go to the doctor and said “if someone was abusing me & I told someone, what would happen?” the doctor was very nice & explained what would happen, which is nothing, and then the next day he, too, started cutting me with pieces of glass, and all I could do was say “no,” over&over.

I have been feeling very bad every day for a while, very bad, usually late afternoon. I cry, & eventually it goes away. I hate people trying to talk to me during this time, because I can’t, & am awful, & I think by now everyone must just be totally sick of me. after I felt better I walked to Trina’s, because her boss had asked her to ask me to do a design for his magazine. so now i’ve got that to do, on top of about a fillion things.. so why didn’t I say no? it sounds fun, though, & I need to fill up every second.

Related

What is this mess

O hey, hi my darling. I’m overocea & this is my journal. I’ve vowed to note my everyday inconsequence indefinitely, so that I can read it when I’m 80. I expect it to be hideously boring to anyone except an 80year old me.