“Ohh, we’re halfway there… ohh, livin’ on a prayer…”

Well folks, we’re officially halfway there. 20w1d as of right this minute. 20 weeks from now, I could very well be updating my blog with a little crying jabbawokkie on my lap. Or, alternately, I could be walking in circles or doing yoga in hopes he shows up before I’m induced!

I’m feeling him a LOT more now. Little thump thumps here and there. Also I’ve been dealing with some back pain, which sucks. But everything could be worse, so I suck it up. Nobody said pregnancy was easy! Oh wait actually some people do…

He’s still adorable like his mother. Still doing perfect. Measuring right, growing right. All his parts are there and in the right spots and doing what they should. And he even told me happy birthday!

I’ve learned a few things since getting knocked up. I thought maybe I’d share them with you, and fellow moms or moms-to-be will laugh and the rest of you will just read it and be bored out of your skull.

Cribs suck. They’re either so ornate and expensive they look like a joke, or they’re somewhat cool-looking and simple but are made of cardboard and string. It’s hard to find something in the middle. Why does an infant need to sleep in a bed that looks like it was carved by Henry VIII’s master woodworker for $2,000? They don’t. My grandmother slept in a dresser drawer for months after she was born in 1918.

On the other hand, nursery decorating is easy as pie! I have everything all set (not that it’s done mind you) and it’s gonna be awesome. That’s the really fun part! Especially since I just direct everyone and can’t actually DO anything. But it’s agreeable symmetry since I painted every other room in the house myself.

Getting pregnant at 35 “naturally”… or as a “surprise” is somewhat difficult for people to believe. As it is, it’s kind of a shock to be called “geriatric” in terms of reproduction, and the advanced maternal age thing is still a bit bristling. However some things are even more mind-boggling. The doctors/nurses will ask if it was IVF or fertility treatments at your first appointment as part of the regular questions and look mildly surprised to hear no. As if 35 is the new 105. IT STILL HAPPENS PEOPLE. WOMEN DO GET PREGNANT NATURALLY OVER THE AGE OF 26, DESPITE WHAT YOU’VE HEARD. LOOK NO FURTHER THAN MY UTERUS FOR PROOF. (Disclaimer since people are super sensitive: there is nothing wrong with fertility treatments. If I had had them I would be honest and up front and discuss it. I just did not have them, and it gets a bit tiresome when people assume based on age)

People will ask if you were trying. I don’t know why- but I think this goes hand in hand with people asking when you’re going to get married or when you’re going to have a baby, period. It’s rude, it’s none of their goddamn business, and it isn’t really relevant to anything, but that doesn’t stop people from asking. No, I wasn’t trying. I’m just so gorgeous, smart and sexy that I provoke such reactions in my husband that it just happened when neither of us were looking. Next question.

Around week 17/18, you become a monster. Your appetite spikes so hardcore you want to eat everything in sight, alas… you have less room in your stomach now. So your eyes are bigger than said stomach and you won’t finish half of what you want to eat. Then you’ll be sad. But its okay because two hours later you’ll be starving again. All of a sudden one day I woke up ravenous and wanted to eat an entire Amy’s frozen margherita pizza (my fave) at 10 a.m. But I would guess that it’s a nice refreshing change if you were really sick in the first trimester.

If you paint your own nails & toenails, now is the time it starts to get tricky. My belly is in the way and I can’t get to my feet like I used to. Sucks because nail salons creep me out.

Maternity clothes, for the most part, are awful. Floral tops? Empire waist peasant tops? Seriously? I went to school for fashion design. NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE FLATTERING. And the ones that are halfway decent are a lot of money, or online only (hi H&M). I did find I enjoy Liz Lange for Target jeans, and I’m looking forward to seeing the new Isabel Maternity line. But I’m not paying $80 for maternity jeans. No thanks. I’ll save that $80 for buying new celebratory jeans when I lose the baby weight … next year. Or millennium.

This goes with #6 kind of- I scoffed at the idea of maternity leggings. I said, oh my god what a money-making scheme! I mean, my leggings will be fine the entire time! They’re leggings, they’re stretchy! Well… NOPE. They rolled over and sat in a weird spot under my belly and were super uncomfortable. So I caved and OMGZ. Try a pair of maternity leggings and you’ll see. Sweet comfort!

Speaking of weight- so far, despite the size of my bump, I have only gained a total of between 7-11 lbs. which is excellent (I don’t 100% know my weight before pregnancy). I was told for my height and weight that 30 lbs total would be the optimal amount for the entire pregnancy. But I was prepared for a heavy weight gain since everyone always says “ohhh man just you wait! You’ll see! You’ll gain a ton!” But as usual it’s all just bullshit and scare tactics. Every woman and every pregnancy is different. Just because Susie gained 168 pounds with baby Jeffrey doesn’t mean you’re going to. This also applies to horrible morning sickness & heartburn: don’t listen to anyone else or Google. Nothing is a guarantee and everyone is different.

Everyone has a great idea for a name. Most of them will be horrible. Or remind you of an asshole you went to school with. Don’t listen to anyone. Pick the name you and your partner love. I don’t care if it takes everyone else 6 months to learn to spell it and pronounce it. It’s not their baby- it’s yours.

And the last thing? THANK GOD I WILL NOT BE 8 MONTHS PREGNANT IN JULY/AUGUST. The heat has been brutal on me. I’m never a fan of the heat per se, but I was never really one of those people who didn’t want to move off the couch in the air-conditioned house until now. The heat is exhausting me, and it feels more oppressive than usual. So thankfully the end of my pregnancy will be in a more comfortable temperature. I hope.

Okay, let’s see. Cravings? Same as before. Lemonade, fruit punch, iced tea, Arnold Palmers all day long. Still pizza/Italian food and Mexican food. Gimme a big ol bowl of spaghetti with meatballs or gnocchi bolognese, please. Baked ziti. Or a huge chicken burrito with the fixins. Quesadillas. I used to love chicken and eat it all the time. Now? Eh. Not so much. Grilled chicken especially turns me off big time. Fried chicken I can handle, but not frequently. First trimester I lived on Goldfish crackers, not so much now (I think I now associate them with quelling nausea, haha). Oh- string cheese. I have reignited my love for it. Sometimes I crave a Dr. Pepper randomly, but I’m watching the caffeine intake. And my sweets craving has gone back up after disappearing for a while. But it’s mainly for Charleston Chews, Junior Caramels and things like that.

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2 trimester for me… I feel like crap. Sick throwing up still. I have one child already, she’s 3. She’s really helpful. Yeah I got pregnant the first time and was considered old because of that 35 mark, so dumb! I had a stupid bitch who was also pregnant say to me, “you know your baby will have down syndrome.” She came very close to getting the shit slapped out of her. Idiot for sure! You get people who think their opinion matters somehow to you! I would ignore them. They are ignorant to say the least. After all the pain and throwing up and heat exhaustion. It’s worth it. 🙂 Keep hanging in.