OP-ED: Yes, I Have Never Been Single. No, I Did Not Have a Traumatic Childhood

Hey dudes. It’s me Steven. Sorry I’m late. I was hanging out with my girlfriend Katie. No, no, not Katie Smith — we broke up last month. I’m dating Katie Richards now. What? No, I don’t think I move on too quickly. I’m just a guy who knows what he needs — a relationship to bury the painful remnants of his youthful trauma.

Let’s be real, it’s the women you need to be worrying about, bouncing from guy to guy. They put so much pressure on us men to "treat them right" and "respect them as human beings." No relationship could ever make them truly happy. Me on the other hand? My 12 relationships in the last seven months have made me the happiest man on earth.

Girls are always crying. It’s like, when I break up with you before your 9 a.m., don’t burst into tears. You’re free now. Enjoy the single life! Personally, I haven’t been single since 6th grade, but I hear good things, I really do.

Some people just aren’t resilient. Don’t just sit and wallow about all that’s wrong with you life — your troubled upbringing, your unfulfilling major, your consumption of E. Coli-contaminated romaine. You know what they say: when the going gets tough, the tough plummet themselves into yet another ill-fated relationship. Self-care.