reinvent

reinvent. the word that has been on my mind for the better part of this year. reinvent. the word that has cluttered, clouded, consumed my mind and left me wondering what it is i’ve been trying to reinvent.

the year is already so close to coming to an end, this is difficult for me to come to terms with. this was my year of change, a stepping stone to happiness. but i’ve spent the better half of the last few months seriously wondering who i am, who i am trying to become, and who i used to be. i was so focused and determined on reinventing a new me i lost sight of my true self. i felt stuck in between two forces that left me paralyzed and wondering which way to go.

i step out of the shower, grab a towel, put it to my face. i scream. i do this monthly, weekly, and then daily. i watch myself go through the motions, put a smile on my face, but constantly pushing the ones that love me away, because they can’t possibly love this person that i’ve been trying to avoid. i have a new job, a new home, a new love. was this not the recipe for my reinvention? was this not the path towards the new me, the better version of me? i learned very slowly, and the hard way, that regardless of all these new things - not accepting myself for who i am and that i am worthy, was the recipe for a breakdown.

have you ever thought, while scrolling through social media, reading headline after headline about the 10 best steps to improvement, that you deserved a new you, but more importantly, that you needed it? it’s a daily struggle, in my personal experience as a female, to fight with what i am conditioned to believe i am supposed to be, and what i truly am… have you ever tried so hard to create this new you that you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, and you just want to go running back into your old self’s arms and give them a hug, and tell yourself you love you? that it’s all lies, and that your true self deserves to exist?

i am not saying that change is bad, i’m not saying that i don’t deserve or need an overhaul, but somewhere along the way i got sidetracked. distracted. lost. i would spend hours staring in to space wondering why i hadn’t taken a photo all summer, written words down, sang along out loud to music in my room. i’d spent so long wondering why i didn’t feel like myself that i didn’t allow myself to be… anything.

let my reinvention be the journey back to who i know i am. someone who is fun, creative, happy, strong and confident. someone who is different than the norm and is proud of it.

let me step out of the shower, look at the sun shining through my window and scream not into a towel but scream into the world that i am back.

“nobody wants to be a caricature. nobody wants to be a diminished version of herself.” jonathan safran foer