I’m A Dick

Since people tend to disagree with me on this self observation… here’s proof… I’m a Dick

*Updates towards bottom, in green*

Exhibit A: Here’s an excerpt from a conversation I had with my friend Stacie:

Me: “The only way I’d touch you if you were drunk is to hold your hair back if you were puking. Hell, that’s probably the only way I’d touch you sober too, I don’t want your cooties”

Stacie: “Lol u wish.”

Me: “I wish that I could hold your hair back as you puke?”

Stacie: “Yup”

Me: “Yes, on my list of top 3 awesome things to do before I die it’s number 3 actually. 1. Is French kiss a rattlesnake. 2. Hump a great white shark while it’s swimming in the ocean. Once I get those accomplished… Then you… it’s good to have priorities.”

Stacie: “Lmao OMG”

Exhibit B: Yet another one with Stacie (do ya see a pattern here?)

Stacie: “Why you gotta be so mean?”

Me: “Jackass”

Exhibit C: This was probably to Stacie too but I don’t really remember

Me: “sneakily1 is not available right now. Feel free to schedule an appointment by calling 1-888-dikhead”

Exhibit D: Actual tweet from me

Me: “Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful for all of the special people in my life… And by special I mean DERP”

Exhibit E: Surprise! Conversation with Stacie again

Stacie: “Her: If hay is for horses, what do gay horses say?”

Me: “Am i going to want to shove a screw driver into my eye socket once I see the answer?”

Exhibit F: Text conversation with Elisa

Me: “I lost my religion when God allowed that stupid fucking song to become #1 on the billboard charts”

me: “Whenever I tell a girl I write songs and she’s like ‘write me one,’ I just bash my guitar against her face and bury her in the back yard”

Exhibit N: Tweet Posted

me: “I love your face” her: “That’s not the part of my body I’d like you to love” me: “Solution: FrankenYou?”

Exhibit O: Tweet Posted

Keep up with that mouth, and I’ll tie you up and cropdust your forehead -me to her after saying I stink

Exhibit P: Tweet Posted

“But sneaks… don’t you want more followers?” Do you want to suck down my farts for the rest of your life?

Exhibit Q: Tweet Posted

“Bring home the bacon” she says… She wasn’t very amused when I got home and spit a mouth full of bacon bits at her.

Exhibit R: Tweet Posted

Butt crack… Because it’s less effort than actually waving and saying “hello neighbor”

Exhibit S: Conversation with E-train

Her: “Just showered, want me to call you on my way in?” Me: “How many hours from now is that?” Her: “half :p”

Exhibit T: Random thought after trip to Dallas

There’s an Asian cuisine (method?) Called “Dim Sum” where they cart around random weird shit and you’re all… “I want sum dim right there.” Then, they serve you whatever strange concoction, and give you a bingo card and mark one of the squares. I assume if you stand up and yell “Bingo” they take you to a back room where you can have a happy ending for $20. Or they beat you to death.

Exhibit U: Tweet Posted

I don’t support gay marriage… Not because I have a thing against gay people, but because I have a thing against marriage.

Exhibit V: Tweet Posted

Flowers… Because she really does have your balls in her dresser drawer

Exhibit W: Tweet Posted

They say if you’re interested in a chick, you should ask her lots of questions about herself. I just tell her to shut up and listen

Exhibit X: Tweet Posted

Dear introspective tweeter who’s selfishly filling my timeline with booooorrriiinnnggg, I just farted… And we’re all glad he dumped you

Exhibit Y: Tweet Posted

It’s funny how the ugly girls on twitter always seem to be the ones who tweet relationship advice like they actually get dates

Exhibit Z: Tweet Posted after trip to Dallas

Night 2 and I’m having serious withdrawals. Not her, the air conditioning

Exhibit 1: Actual Conversation with E-train

Her: “I’m gonna slum it today” me: “as opposed to…?”

Exhibit 2: Actual Conversation with E-Diddy

Her: “What would You do for a Klondike bar?” Me: “I’d just go downstairs and get it my damn self”

Her:”I win cos my RL has been shitty” me: “No, I win because that never happened to me :p”

Exhibit 24: Actual Conversation with Anonymous female who shows up on this page VERY frequently and who’s name may or may not start with an E

Her: “I can’t believe you tweeted about my farting on the plane”

Original tweet: Her: “I’m going to see if they have showers in the lounge…I realized that if I farted this much on the plane, so does everyone else”

Exhibit 25: Actual Tweet

So what did I do during my hiatus? A lot of website work, destroyed and fixed my Android tablet, patched up stuff with THE woman. When I say THE Woman.. She’s like THE Man, but 10 times smarter and WAY more intimidating… Plus vagina and perfect tits

Exhibit 26: Actual Tweet

If twitter had a relationship status option, mine would be: “Taken, but she wants to watch”

Exhibit aa: Conversation with E-Nizzle

Her: “Its a whiny day for me…get over it…or move on…sure u will just move on” Me: “Yep, done. Good luck with your whining”