When trauma enters the lives of the unsuspecting, it steals from their very soul. It not only robs them of peace and joy, it can take years and decades from their lives while they desperately try to fill the hole in their heart, pretending that their soul isn't leaking out of it. No one is ever prepared for trauma and no one is ever left unchanged by traumatic events.

In the face of such adversity, what allows one person to find the gift in their wound and another to suffer endlessly?Enter Tanya Lauer and Kathleen Parrish, professional counselors at the internationally renowned residential treatment center, Cottonwood Tucson.

With over 40 years combined experience helping people survive trauma and find the "gift in their wound," Lauer and Parrish offer The Essence of Resilience—an urgent and vital answer to this all-too-common marauder. Topical tools for healing include: Story, Relationships, Trust, Compassion, Gratitude, Animals and Pets, Nature, Humor, and Spirituality. Through stories, compassion and understanding, they guide readers straight to the heart of resilience—that place where we learn to heal and thrive.

INTRODUCTION

It's said that every scar tells a story. However, for many trauma survivors, the poorly healed wounds of yesterday remain voiceless, their stories untold. These untold stories fester like an underground poison, eroding truth and resulting in distorted beliefs and self-blame. The trauma survivor may echo these untruths over and over and over again. What happened to me was my fault, I deserved it. I am worthless. I am unlovable. I am a bad person. What happened to me isn't as bad as what happened to someone else. Over time, these distortions become the story that they tell others and whisper to themselves in the deepest part of their hearts.

Sadly, many people who survive trauma remain silent about their experiences. They have learned to perfect the art of secrecy, holding the darkness of their wounds close. Perhaps they are numbly following dysfunctional family rules that prevent them from speaking of the terrible truth of their trauma. They may have learned to live with the menacing skeletons in the closet of their lives, the ancient bones rattling, threatening to expose their greatest shame. They may not ever fully recognize the way that trauma has changed their life.

What Is Trauma?

By Kathleen Parrish

As a trauma clinician, this question has been asked of me repeatedly over the years. Just the other day, a woman spoke to me about a sexual assault that she had experienced over forty years ago. She told me that she had tried to move on with her life and that she didn't realize how much this event had affected her. She said, 'I never really thought it was a big deal.' As we continued to talk, she allowed the pain of her assault to surface and she cried for the first time in many years.

The truth is, she had tried, desperately and unsuccessfully, to bury that event in her past. Since then, she had been struggling with profound depression and alcoholism. Despite all of her attempts to quit drinking, she had been unable to maintain sobriety. Like so many trauma survivors, she was stuck in a cycle of self-destruction, propelling herself further into the murkiness of her shame, sadness, and anger. We talked about the aftermath of trauma—how it isn't the event itself that is damaging, but the story we tell ourselves afterward, i.e., the meaning we attach to it. So often, it's the meaning of the trauma that erodes the identity and self-perception of the trauma survivor. As a result, they are unable to see their worth, value, or strengths.

So, what is trauma? The question begs to be answered. The most accurate and formal definition of trauma is this: experiencing, witnessing, or being confronted by an event or events that pose a threat of death, injury, or sexual violation. In more general terms, I consider trauma to be any event that violates your sense of safety and well-being, or shatters your integrity or sense of wholeness. It's something that causes incredible sadness or a feeling of brokenness. Trauma can be isolated to one event or can be a series of events such as occurs with childhood abuse or domestic violence. Trauma can cause significant changes in a person so that they're unable to fully return to whom they were before the trauma occurred.

In simpler terms, trauma is that sudden and tragic death that you weren't prepared for, wrenching away someone that you loved more than anything. It is the assault on your body that violates your will and choice. It is that family dinner scene, the one that happened every night, where your father regularly became intoxicated and screamed at everyone. It is that constant hum of criticism and rejection that became the theme of your childhood, dished out by an angry parent. It is the parent who left you, either physically or emotionally, and never returned. Trauma is the spouse who is physically or emotionally abusive, leaving you to feel trapped and alone. Trauma can occur in so many different ways yet create the same end result: feelings of fear, anger, brokenness, sadness, confusion, and shame.

Traumatic events change people, altering their self-concept and perceptions of reality. Many trauma survivors will tell the before and after story. Before the trauma, they had hope, they could function, they could trust. After the trauma, they were forever changed. Trauma survivors often believe that trauma robbed them of everything and they spend their time desperately trying to fill the hole in their heart. Depression, self-destruction, anger, and a sense of injustice often march in the sad processional of trauma. Although many people physically survive traumatic events, they may never really live again. It's as if a part of them died in the aftermath of trauma and they flit through life like a ghost, on a haunting search for the remnants of who they were in the past, in the before.

While some people are able to identify the point of entry—the time and place that trauma intruded into their lives—others are left sorting through a lifetime of painful experiences with uncertainty. Many survivors experienced complex, ongoing trauma that occurred regularly during their childhood or in a relationship with another person, like a spouse. This type of trauma may be the landscape of their life, altering the way that they developed, how they viewed themselves, and how they learned to understand the world around them. Those who lived a life where trauma was an everyday occurrence may feel that their experiences blurred the lines of reality and challenged their perceptions of what is normal, what is healthy, or what is safe. As a result, they may have developed coping mechanisms that allowed them to survive. Those who live lives of trauma may become experts at reading the environment, a trait called hypervigilance. Always on the edge, in a heightened stage of arousal, they learn to assess perceived threats from the environment and the people around them. They often become highly attuned to the noises, gestures, tones of voice that might be predictors of impending danger. Once free of these toxic environments, these individuals often struggle to cope in healthy ways. They may gravitate toward destructive relationships or chaotic environments, finding comfort in all-too-familiar scenarios that contribute to their inevitable self-destruction. They may live lives filled with self-deprecation and shame, void of any self-compassion.

Many people who have traumatic pasts live with co-occurring disorders, such as addiction, eating disorders, depression, or anxiety. In fact, research suggests that co-occurring disorders are a likely outcome for people with post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. For these individuals, the process of recovery can seem more complicated. Some individuals who experienced significant trauma may be diagnosed with a personality disorder, such as borderline personality disorder. Many trauma survivors lived in a constant state of danger and panic forcing them to learn skills to survive. In dysfunctional families, normal coping skills, such as expression of feelings, healthy confrontation, and individuation, are not effective. Consequently, a trauma survivor often develops skills that are more adapted to their environment to help them to survive their family system. Some of these behaviors might include dishonesty, withholding feelings, controlling behaviors, self-harm, and substance use. In my experience with co-occurring disorders, these problems speak to the devastation that trauma has caused. Trauma often shatters everything in its path. In the face of trauma, boundaries and trust are eroded and require safety, commitment, and honesty to be restored.

One of the greatest difficulties in the aftermath of trauma is living with the self-condemnation of guilt and shame. Although traumatic events are painful, it is often the belief system that develops in the wake of the trauma that cuts a path of destruction in the life of the survivor. Many people never honor what the trauma meant to them. They are lost staring at the wreckage of their lives, like victims in the aftermath of a tornado, trying to salvage something that reminds them of who they were before the storm. I often tell clients that trauma recovery requires us to derive meaning from what we survived. Finding meaning in what we survived allows room for self-compassion and gratitude. It sheds light on our resilience—that part of ourselves that refused to surrender or die. It allows us to celebrate our strengths while learning to heal our wounds.

Be advised, the stories here will be hard to read. In truth, they were hard to write. At times, you may want to put the book down and walk away. That's okay. But pick it back up again and continue reading. Although you'll read about trauma, loss, heartbreak, tragedy, and betrayal, you'll also read about the strength and determination of the beautiful survivors who are honored here within these pages.

Tanya Lauer has a master's degree in counseling and psychotherapy and is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Arizona. She has over 20 years' experience working in trauma healing in psychiatric hospitals, in-home therapy services, and outpatient trauma centers. She currently works at Cottonwood Tucson as a trauma specialist and also has a private practice. Tanya has presented at professional conferences in the United States and in Europe. Tanya believes in the importance of healing through the mind body connection.

Kathleen Parrish is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Arizona and the Clinical Director of Cottonwood Tucson, an internationally renowned, residential treatment program for co-occurring disorders in Tucson, Arizona. She has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy, has worked in private practice, and has been involved in providing counseling and trauma intervention services for trauma survivors for over 20 years. She has written for Counselor, Addiction Professional, Addiction Today and Arizona Together magazines. She has presented seminars on trauma and eating disorders in the United States and Europe.