She even published a book of them, which is only available on Amazon UK for some reason. So go check those out if you like this at all, or maybe thought the idea had potential but could've been funnier in execution. She's a pro.

For my part, I kept trying to write a review of The X-Files 2 and could only keep making fun of it. And this was the inevitable result.

Two notes: Can anyone think of a better indicator of the brevity of the parody than "In A Nutshell" (and "In Fifteen Minutes," obviously)? Or maybe it just strikes me as a dumb suffix this time because it sounds like someone wants to believe in a nutshell. Who doesn't believe in nutshells? Nuts have to come from somewhere.

Also I joked that not only did Amanda Peet bring her "acting face" for her FBI Agent role, she also sported her "FBI-Bangs." So that's where that name comes from... Enjoy!

‘The X-Files: I Want To Believe’ In A Nutshell

Night, Some Lady's House:

SOME LADY: Listen to the score of this film! It’s so ominous and creepy. I hope there are no creepy bald guys around.

CREEPY BALD GUY: Boo!

SOME LADY: Aaah! Eat garden hoe!

RUSSIAN LEOBEN: I have something to tell you about the future. Also, YAA!(kidnapping ensues).

Some Snowy Field, later (but edited so you think it’s the same time what?):

RANDOM FBI AGENT: Why are we all following this old priest around and combing through this snowy field? And why are there so many of us for just this one field? Seriously- there’s like thirty of us out here, you guys.

AGENT FBI-BANGS (Amanda Peet): Quiet, he’s having a vision.

FATHER JOE (Billy Connolly): Here, it’s here!

RANDOM FBI AGENT: Where? It’s all just snow!

(some other random FBI agents dig to find a severed arm with some garden-hoe-like scratches on it)

RANDOM FBI AGENT: How did he know that was there?

AGENT FBI-BANGS: He’s psychic, you see.

RANDOM FBI AGENT: Oh. So he said he had a vision of a severed arm and you just took his word for it? You mobilized like fifty FBI agents on some nutjob’s whim?

AGENT FBI-BANGS: …

RANDOM FBI AGENT: I can see maybe if he’d had the arm already, but-

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Look I just don’t have much experience with this psychic stuff, okay? If only there was someone out there who did…

Christian Hospital Of Death:

SCULLY: And so, ladies, gentlemen, woman on the tv, I know none of the treatments for Little Johnny’s brain situation have worked so far, but I think we should pursue some experimental therapy because science is awesome- and I’m totally a doctor in case you forgot.

EVIL PRIEST BIG EARS: Well, the board feels that the boy is too cute to be in any more pain. Hospice, pronto!

SCULLY: No!

EVIL PRIEST BIG EARS: Yes!

SCULLY: No!

EVIL PRIEST BIG EARS: Yes!

(this is seriously how this subplot unfolds, for the whole film)

Later, in the Hallway:

AGENT XZIBIT: Dana Scully? Hi, I’m an FBI Agent, for real. We need you to contact Fox Mulder for us and tell him the FBI is willing to forgive everything that nobody remembers he did anyway if he’ll come help us with a case. For the FBI.

SCULLY: Wasn’t he sentenced to death or something like that?

AGENT XZIBIT: Yes, but we’ve got a missing FBI Agent/gardening enthusiast and we really need him to come in and disagree with everyone until the case is solved. Did I mention that I’m like a full FBI Agent? - I have a badge and everything.

SCULLY: Okay, Xzibit, I’ll tell him.

Scully’s House (Mulder’s house? Do they share it? I wasn’t clear):

MULDER: Did you see these newspaper clippings? I’m thinking of making a paper maché.

SCULLY: Mulder, I’m worried about your mental health- there are negative effects to long-term isolation, even though we may or may not share this house.

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Huh? Oh, anyway there’s these missing women, and the last victim was an FBI agent, and now there’s this priest dude who claims to have visions from god and he led us to a random severed arm.

MULDER: Psychic, you say? Well I may not be able to prove his visions are real, but I’ll defend to the death his right to have them.

SCULLY: I guess we can take a look…

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Also he’s a convicted pedophile.

SCULLY: WHAT!? Screw this noise!

Pederast Dorm:

FATHER JOE: That poor girl… I didn’t ask for these visions, just like I didn’t ask for little boys to be so-

AGENT FBI-BANGS: I’m gonna stop you right there. So Fox, what’s the S. O. P. in this situation? Little cards with lines and squiggles? Hypnosis? Any kind of Scientific Method?

MULDER: Well, mostly I just stubbornly refuse to doubt them until something randomly happens that backs me up, and then I solve the case somehow.

AGENT XZIBIT: That’s it? This FBI Agent is skeptical.

SCULLY: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Do you know how many strings I had to pull to get you pardoned or whatever? That’s all you’ve got? At least shave your stupid beard, dammit!

FATHER JOE: Uh.. maybe I could go take a look at the house?

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Fine, whatever. Lead the way, Father Joe.

SCULLY: Why is everyone calling him “Father” Joe? Doesn’t that get revoked or something?

In The Car:

FATHER JOE: So who are you again? Didn’t I see you at the NAMBLA convention?

MULDER: No, no- it’s just the beard. I used to investigate paranormal phenomena for the FBI.

FATHER JOE: You believe in that stuff?

Me: Say “I Want To Believe”! Say it!

MULDER: Let’s just say I want to believe.

Me: Whoo! Nailed it!

Some Other Car:

SOME OTHER LADY: Nothing like driving down deserted roads after a good swim. Hey, that truck’s getting awful close…

MULDER: FBI, we get it. You’re very believable. Scully, how many ridiculous things do you need to witness before you start to believe?

SCULLY: Always one more, crackpot.

FATHER JOE: The visions! So portentous yet vague! ::CRIES BLOOD::

SCULLY: Meh.

The Next Morning, At Scully’s (Mulder’s?) House:

SCULLY: So there’s this little boy with a brain thing...

MULDER: What’s his name?

SCULLY: Uh.. Little Johnny? No wait, it’s Christian. Isn’t that weird that that’s his name and I’m having a crisis of faith about his treatment?

MULDER: That’s pretty contrived, yeah. Maybe stem cells?

SCULLY: Go on…

MULDER: I was just throwing it out there- I don’t know anything about them. But maybe you could google “stem cell therapy,” learn all about it, get approval, funding, and the parents to agree all in a day and perform the procedure tomorrow?

SCULLY: Come on, there’s no way that would be possible- not even here in British Columbia or maybe Virginia. By the by, you know what’s weird? That severed arm had a horse tranquilizer in it, but we all just sort of shrugged and moved on.

MULDER: What the what!? ::Shaves Beard:: It’s time for some serious obsessiveness.

SCULLY: Why would God reward you with psychic visions after what you’ve done? Plus, why are they more cryptic than the first season of Lost?

FATHER JOE: Proverbs 25:2- “It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.”

SCULLY: So… I should do the stem cells?

FATHER JOE: ::Seizures::

Creepy Russian Lab:

SOME OTHER LADY: They left this cage open! Maybe if I crawl away very loudly I can-

CREEPY RUSSIAN DOG: Boo!

Christian Hospital Of Death:

SOME RANDOM NURSE: Here’s your giant needle of stem cells, doctor.

SCULLY: Take that, religion!

SOME RANDOM NURSE: I can’t believe we just had those laying around for this.

Downtown Richmond:

AGENT FBI-BANGS: We’ve tracked Russian Leoben to this organ facility. Turns out he was married to some Creepy Bald Guy that Father Joe molested when he was little! Xzibit, you lead the raid up there- I’ll wait in the street with Foxy Clean-Shaven.

AGENT XZIBIT: Xzibit? My name is Mosley Drummy… what is with the names in this movie? ::leaves::

AGENT FBI-BANGS: So, Mulder, there’s another case I need you to take a look at, but we’ll have to go back to my apartment to-

MULDER: There he is!

RUSSIAN LEOBEN: ::Drops Cooler, Runs::

MULDER: ::Runs::

AGENT FBI-BANGS: (running) Wait! How are you so much faster than I am? Aren’t you nearing fifty?

(they chase Russian Leoben into a building under construction, but lose him- Mulder ends up two floors above Agent FBI-Bangs)

MULDER: (calling down) I lost him!

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Mulder! Have you seen him? I didn’t see him anywhere, so it’s probably safe to lean precariously on this railing to shout up at you.