Spitting blood, where is it that it comes fromDying to figure out loveMissed the sun rise one last timeHow is it that I’m not dead?Spending time, where is it that I’ve goneFighting to understand painLost track of the absent daysHow is it that I’m even alive?

People are often hurtful before they say what they mean

Dragging myself through hell once againYour unholy eyes staring me downHow long can we play this gameHow long can we live in sinTesting the limits every dayYour serrated grin made of lies and deceitNo one ever said this was itBut we both know this is all there will ever be

I love you but some days I just want to hold your head under water and pray for more rain.

Taking the long way homeStuck between doing it and notRipping out my eyesTearing out my heartDrink the blood to understand whyA shit taste of everything I’ve hiddenFuck itDestroy itWho the fuck cares anymorePulling out my hairRenting out my soulEat what’s left of meA shit taste and a mouth full of liesTake my hand and I’ll lead you toA place called home

“I want to be buried in this jacket so it can keep me warm in hell”… It is a pretty amazing jacket… just saying…

Okay so they aren’t complex songs… I have always liked punk for the same reason… It is… was… all about emotion… getting that thought or feeling out… this is how I feel deal with it… With that said… I’m still really into the chorus… I like the idea that the back up singer starts a chant… and then the singer answers back… obviously Nine Inch Nails and the Misfits… never really did that… If I had to guess that would be the Blink-182 influence I snuck in there… Which by this time… when I wrote this… I was too cool for such a band… Don’t be a sell out… blah…

Movie IdeasZombie FilmHorror MovieSchool / Drug Film (Would steal ideas from this for A Lie later in life…)Cannery Row(Great fucking book…)MessengerFuture/ War Movie (This would be folded into War of 2012… Never released… I believe…)Superhero Movie (Naturally…)Documentary (Because who makes the above movies… then is like nah… I’ll make a doc…)

In high school I was very much into music… it was my life… all I talked about… all I dreamed of… but in my head it didn’t seem obtainable… a dream… at the same time I was really doing well in Video Communications… won some “awards” for different things… they were in school awards… but people were pretty hyped… figured if I didn’t make it in music… I could do movies… overtime… that drifted away… mutated… and became writing…

In truth I’m too controlling to be a director… but not controlling enough to tell other people what to do… I like that about writing… It is all on me… the only explanation that I really need to get my point across is the story itself… I don’t have to explain what is going on in my head with another person… I don’t have to argue why this shot needs to be this way… oh I have an idea about this… etc… I write it and either you like it or… I try again…

Here I sit I write for youBut you’ll never know the truthEvery day I’ll wait for youBut you’ll never see the truthHere I sit I lie to youBut you’ll never know the truthEveryday I’ll wait on youBut you’ll never tell the truth

Sun

It hurts to open my eyesThe worlds on fireYou have let it burnMy eyes are shutIt takes its course

You’re not born but whenYou are you’ll want to die

Its been taken awayBefore it was givenYou have been left to die

Always a blast… to revisit the past… not really… but sometimes we don’t know where we are going without knowing where we have been… life is a ride… well I’ll let the late great Bill Hicks explain… because honestly… I’ll just butcher it…

What the fuck am I even doingDigging ditches called memoriesIt’s all pointless so whyDo I feel the need to cryThe reason to breath, fucking seethingUnhappy and I don’t know whyPointless, but here we goAnother day waking and waitingHere we go another dayBelieving everything will be fineHere we go one more fucking dayFeeling like this

Clapping along to a death songI’ve known all along

Go ahead and smileReally I don’t careStabbing you in the faceWill only be easierPlease, no, be youDistant memories while I dance onYour grave

Gearing up for the ass fuck of the centuryA daily grind one upped every night(Takes a bow)

Your insecurities rub up against meA broken down thought, in need of a lobotomyToxic nervousness that surrounds us allThought provoking image drench in tearsWorldliness verbiage that makes no senseYou’ve gone and turned my mind inside out

“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…

I don’t have time to failA constant push to get myself out of hereLost dream taken over by regret

I’m still on vacation… for how long?… no idea… but I will be checking in and out through out the month… hopefully by December… I can get back into some sort of routine… What have you been up to?… How have you been?… Hope all is well…

Defying death the thing I’ve becomeSay a prayer for all that you knowSilence falls on your prayerBeyond my controlBeyond my understandingOnly human, you know what I knowMurder, fucking deathRespond to the sins I understandLook to the past, wordsExistence I’ve failed to understand

Education was always the planLost on the insecure, lost on the damned
How fucking big is your ass?Education was always meant to sustainA plan no one understandsIgnorance sown within our soulsFuck your thoughts, bull shit plansMob rule, mob mentalityI’m owed mine, I’m owed yoursSelfish fuck that I’ve always claimed to beThe reality only a thingLaughing at your painBecause the realization is all too lateSucking on the tail pipeSlashing away, jerking off to the thoughtThat all of this makes no sense

Bury me with itBury me with all that I knowLies, words, Santa Clause was realUntil it wasn’t Your parents were assholesHonest, but stillFucked since the word goHug them, love them, tried their bestWrong, only humanI’m them, I never wanted toSuffocating through what I know

Could blame them but know that I am themLove them more than beforeWhat you should knowWe are all trying to hold onEmbrace them, don’t shun themWhy are we here?Don’t ask them, suffering togetherSad fucking realizationThank them, not me, for fucking trying

Santa Clause is real, god, everything they thoughtLost in all of this, a life I’m not willing to admitSmashing my skull against a wallKilling myself for everything they thoughtAn epic about nothing at all

Embrace everything you thoughtNot special at allThe vision not what we thoughtSame as we were anywayAll I was trying to sayLove them all the same

Our parents are all they could be… our parents our us… fight it… believe I am wrong… but know… your parents fuck… your parents have thoughts… your parents are us after all… eww I know… gross… shake off the thought… but know you aren’t a freak… wonder if they feel like you?… they do… no other reason… than they are human… This whole thing is a shit show… welcome to the stage… smile… let’s move the fuck on… need advice?… ask those around you… it will be awkward… believe me when I say that’s what it means to be an adult… believe me when I say they feel the same…

Shhh… you wanted the secret… well the secret was fucking lame… : )… not trying to be a dick… just saying… not trying to make you throw up… but let’s be honest… your parents have always felt the same… mind-blowing… fucking crazy… hug them all the same… because they did this… dealt with this all… long before you could ever think… fucking heroes… martyrs to the cause of it all… good or bad… they tried their fucking best… what else could you ever ask of them after all?… that’s love… Think about it… come back to me… when you understand… been there for years… just sinking in… Not original… only a copy… excuse me as I throw up at the thought… only human after all… haha… never been better than you… Never been better than the heroes I’ve loved… only human… hard at the thought… embrace my part… embrace who I am after all… why the fuck do you listen to me at all?…

Thoughts… comments…. leave them because all of this is fucking insane… just want to get better… don’t care about words like fame… money… I just want to sustain… so if that means negativity… if that means pain… only want to get better… only want a reason to live… don’t care how lame… this is all I got out side of family… going to try whether or not you feel the same… all I ever wanted was to find people who feel the same… people to make me better… been a selfish ass… before I knew your name… hate me… I love you all the same… I love you for fucking being you… thank you… let the lead out… hurt no one but Know I Can Take It… maybe My Only Purpose… : )

Constant like a fucking childDriven underDriven to liveA mindless existenceShut the fuck upThen maybe, you’d be rightTape my mouth shutTorture me, make me feel somethingNothing different then the wayIt is supposed to beCut my limbs, nail them to a treeSame as it is supposed to beI wish you’d do onto meAs I wished for you

Looking to destroy more than myselfLine up, take you out one by oneI know it is what you always wantedI know you have always wanted to winJudge ourselves not by what we’ve doneBut what we wish to have been

Kill myself slowlyLife or what I’ve been toldI hold each word against meA lie I’ve been toldLoved you more than I’ve loved myselfLocked in a world, that I can not winI’d fuck you sooner than you can fuck meA worthless fuck I see myself inThe reflection that I seeDesiring action, desire to see myselfAlways been the assholeA sin I hide myself inTaking what I wantBelieving what I want to believeA whore I see myself inCult of personality, I could never winUnless you let meBeing drunk is a sinAn escape I find myself inFuck you, if you ever thought you could winA running thought inside my headMy thoughts run offDigging a ditch I call my graveA home I hold withinI’m so done, a struggle within, you win

Remorse is for the dead… all that needs to be said… still alive?… then you already know what needs to be done.. what there is left to say… keep going on with me… we will figure all of this out at a later time…

Doing nothing drives the sanest insaneBring me some new painI know I can take itAt all costs, it has to be this wayIn the darkest holes I have foundI’ll be fine, wanted you to knowDragging me through hellThis place I call homeMiss it more than I could knowSimple minded, stupid, what you willI’ll survive, I’ll find a way to make itWho I am, Who I’ve always beenSmiling and digging a graveIn your name I prayYou’ll never feel the way I doI will always fail at this thingCalled lifeI will always be the thingsI never wanted to be

I’m Not You Because You Are Me

Had everything anyone could ever wantPissed it all away, now look at meShitting on the streetStare, I don’t care, still breathingUnderstand, never aliveDon’t you see?Don’t you see?Look at meYou are me more than you want to believeOne step awayFeel that?, It’s called a heart beatIt’s called a heart beatPissing in the streets, screaming until my throat bleedsYou are meDon’t you see?Don’t you see?Chasing the demons that haunt meRunning from the problem at top speedProblem has always beenMeHuman and I know you can relateMy home is the streetsMy home is this fucking concreteYou are meDon’t you see?Don’t you see?You just haven’t run your courseOf course, you’d deny the truthI’ll see you, keep the space warm, until we meet That special place called homeSix feet under earthI’m not you because you are me

I know the last post was pretty sad and all that shit… but lets move on until I have better news… I’m Not You Because You Are Me… came out of no where…. and honestly… I don’t like to brag… but God damn… That shit hit hard and I could not stop… a written orgasm… I don’t know if you liked it as much as me… but… that shit sent me over the edge… and then dropped me in a six-foot ditch… what I live for?… hard to say… but it made me feel a certain way…

Because that is how it is my friends… we are all one step from all of this shit going to… well shit… as bad as you think you have it… as bad as we want to believe… it could be worse… some of us have it pretty fucking bad… don’t get me wrong… if you got time to think… well you got it better than most… gratefulness… be grateful for what you got… family… friends… a good thought that pops up… ride it out… but always strive for more… a balance that can be hard to understand… a balance that doesn’t make sense until long after… It’s about the air… it’s about the breathe… sounds stupid… but what else are you going to do?…

Don’t like where you are?… keep fucking swinging… keep trying… as much as I love you all… as much as I want each of you to do what it is that you want… the truth is that no one gives a shit… oh well… heard it all before… are you going to give up or are you going make them believe?… don’t need to hurt… don’t need to destroy… need to find a balance… a mission that isn’t easy to see… all in this together… and we are all on our knees… no one ever said this was going to be easy… climb that mountain… fall down the hill… who really cares… get back up… that’s what people really care about… we will fail… but no one is taking me out… get what I mean?…

I know you are busy… I know we all got a lot of things going on… I don’t need you to buy anything… click the links… shit on me… tell me I suck… honestly… I appreciate… you even reading one word… you are the greatest thing that could happen to me… don’t be afraid… I embrace you all the same… we are all in this together… hugs… and all will be well…

Thought about the thoughtsThat make us human after allThought about the thoughtsThat don’t matter at allThought maybe then I thoughtAbout it allAll these thoughts I thoughtAs I waited for the fall

We tell ourselves it mattersWe push for resultsBut in the end as we wait for it allNothing made senseNothing was all it wasWhat we think holds valueHolds nothing at all

So I thought about the thoughtsThat makes us human after allI thought about the thoughtsThat don’t matter after allDraw my conclusionsWhat I found wasFuck it all

Letting Me Go Is Easier Than You Think

How much am I willing to takeWhat is sober if not a feelingWhat is gone if not how I’ve felt all alongI say one thing, believe another in my headSure I’m a liar, believe me when I say I’m deadNever cared and now they say I shouldExploring the darkness that hides inside us allSome people want to runBut I can’t help to call it homeCould say it doesn’t matter, been wrong all alongHow long am I willing to waitA fear carried over timeDead weight inside my chestI’ve been forced to call my heartWho knows anything if no one knows a thingYou tell me to not do itBut what do you know about meHow it feels, what it thinksStudying the madness has only driven me more insaneLife is a cycleThis is only the pain

The next generation is so fucked… everything is right now… I need it now… is dinner ready?… no… it takes fucking time… spoiled and they don’t even know why… time is moving so fast… have you figured out yet what you want to be?… left behind… we do this to ourselves and ask why… human reasoning… kiss it all good bye… we need time to step back… say okay… this is the direction we need to go… not enough time… maybe we have always been this way… maybe it is something new… but in the end… what the fuck is going on?…