Bacon Reality TV Show Will Give You a Heart Attack (VIDEO)

Bacon. It's one of America's favorite foods. It's the meat treat that tempts even vegetarians. It's smokey, it's salty, it's crisp, and some say it's bad for you (lalalala I can't hear you!). I have a very special place in my heart for bacon, right below the right ventricle, hopefully not blocking any blood flow. But you know what? I never thought I'd say this: I think our bacon obsession has finally gone too far.

I know, I said it when we got bacon-infused vodka and I sighed when I heard about the BK bacon sundaes, but that's only because I didn't see what was coming. Bacon television.

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Apparently this is happening: Justin Esch and Dave Lefkow, AKA "The Bacon Boys," are hosting a bacon reality TV show. They are the proprietors of J&D Foods -- "Everything Should Taste Like Bacon." (No It Shouldn't -- if everything tasted like bacon, nothing would not taste like bacon and we wouldn't notice the bacon taste anymore.) And it appears this show is just a big guerrilla marketing tactic, shhh.

The Bacon Brothers make bacon-flavored foodsthat do not actually contain bacon, which is the first problem I have with this reality show. No, actually, the first problem I have with the reality show is that it's not about bacon, it's about the idea of bacon. It's postmodern bacon with lighthearted themes of death running through like glistening rivulets of fat.

Take for example their Bacon Coffin, which I hear will feature prominently in the series. Can you eat it? No. You lie in it after you've given yourself a heart attack from eating too much bacon-flavored processed food. Which you ate because what you really wanted was to eat bacon bacon, but that would be too decadent.

See where I'm going with this? No? Neither do I. But the Bacon Brothers do. Here's the goal, in their own words: "In the great American tradition of making the ridiculous even more ridiculous-er, we at J&D’s Foods look forward to joining the ranks of Snooki, the Kardashians and Flava Flav as America’s next great reality TV stars." See?!? I told you. This isn't even about bacon!

I'm calling it: They're just using bacon. And as a true bacon lover, that hurts.