February 2nd, 2012

NEWScoop: Vodka Tampons, Phil the Liar, a Criminal Escapee, a Criminal Detainee and an Alien Howdy

Oi, Barkeep! A Round of Vodka Tampons and Gin Gummies!
And here I thought folks I knew at university were creative for snorting Adderall. Maybe they’d have done the same thing if alcohol were hard to come by. Then again, the old smoothy cup of rum during class might’ve been just as desperate an attempt. Soaking tampons and gummies in alcohol is more trouble than it’s worth—both in preparation and in the case of the tampon—shit, I doubt they’re using measuring cups. Visit KHOU for more.

Six More Weeks of Winter? You’re a Liar, Phil.
I don’t know about you, but when I walked the dog this morning, I wasn’t greeted by crisp cool air. I was instead abruptly woken from my pre-coffee stupor by October. That’s 70 degrees and mild humidity. Phil up in PA says the cold months will linger. I call bullshit. Visit KHOU for more.

Criminal Actually Escapes High Speed Chase
This has to be rare, right? I mean, we’ve all seen COPS and America’s Most Dangerous Police Chases. The crook never alludes the LAW. As of last night around 2AM, one did. All the King’s K-9s and all the King’s Men couldn’t put the thief behind bars and cement detention, again? Visit ABC13 for more.

Criminal Doesn’t Escape Chase, Found in Bushes
This one wasn’t quite as smart as the last. He tried robbing a Denny’s at 3AM. Rather than flee on foot or in a stolen mini-van, he chose to hide in the bushes. That’s fine for human eyes, but dogs don’t have human eyes. They’ve got something better. A dog’s nose. Visit ABC13 for more.

Meteor Shmeteor, I Know an E.T. When I See One
Oklahomans and Texans were both privy to an exciting event last night. Those that were outside saw a spaceship. Whizzing above our atmosphere at thousands of miles per hour, the drivers of said ship were apparently uninterested. I can’t say I blame them. We’ve got work to do. Visit KHOU for more.