The Truth About Friend Envy

We've all been there: a friend's life suddenly seems charmed while your own success feels as hard to come by as a discontinued lipstick. But friendvy doesn't have to ruin your bond—a little envy can even make you (and your friendship) stronger. Here's how.

I met Erin* in my early 20s, and instantly we were kindred spirits. We were equals in every way—looks, brains, bank accounts (or lack thereof). We'd also both lost someone close to us just before we met. Dealing with life's unfairness was a big part of our bond.

At 26, Erin met a sweet guy named Grant while at the movies. He sat in our row, and even in the dark, their chemistry was palpable. Turns out, Grant's father financed the film, and his family was infinitely wealthy. Erin loved Grant for his character, not his cash, and six years later, they're married and expecting a child. Their life together is surreal—trips, spas, yachts, the works. Once they became a couple, the struggle that Erin and I bonded over disappeared. Well, at least for her. While she and Grant were busy being bon vivants, my life has been a series of crazy work deadlines, complicated love affairs, and hard heartbreaks. Erin has done her best to include me in her plans, but we're on such different schedules, it's hard to sync up. And honestly? Sometimes I just don't want to be around her picture-perfect life.

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Okay. Maybe I envy her. And over the years, perhaps that envy has slowly corrupted our friendship. I flake on our plans and decline her dinner invitations. I missed her beach-house baby shower and don't Like all her Facebook pics anymore. I'm not proud of my behavior—which neither of us has addressed—but I can't help it. Am I horrible? Happily, the experts don't think so. "Flashes of envy, even with people you really care about, don't mean you're a bad or miserable person," says Andrea Bonior, PhD, author of The Friendship Fix. Phew! Friend envy, aka friendvy, is not a crime or a curse. "Research shows that we get an emotional boost when we feel like we're 'winning out' in life," says Bonior, "so when we feel we're not measuring up, there's going to be disappointment." The key is to differentiate the rogue moments of despair over a friend's dreamy boyfriend from something that's "lingering and severe."

Brenda T., 31, a marketing exec from Minneapolis, Minnesota, admits to being at the brink of losing her best friend because of years of pent-up jealousy. "She has always had an easy life, while mine has been harder. Now she's marrying the perfect guy, who bought them the perfect house. Sometimes it's all she talks about because she's so happy. But it's been hard for me lately because I'm single and so sad about it." Recently, Brenda's envy bubbled to the surface, and she "picked a nasty fight" at her friend's party. "I was mean, and now I'm ashamed."

Bonior says in cases like Brenda's, when the friendvy is "severe, long-term, and getting worse," there's cause for concern. "When you're obsessing or having outbursts, there's something deeper going on," she says. "You have to pay attention to why you're feeling this way. Are you lonely or stressed or frustrated about something in your life?" In Brenda's case, her singleness made her extra vulnerable. Bonior empathizes: "Constant updates about weddings and new homes to a single person who doesn't want to be single is like throwing salt on a wound." So how do we prevent these extreme friendvy-driven spirals? Do we say something and risk sounding cold-hearted (or worse, pathetic)? Or do we keep the friendvy buried inside? Bonior says that while we can't harbor feelings of intense jealousy forever—which could trigger anxiety—confronting your friend isn't always the best bet. First, ask yourself what's really upsetting you, she says. Then, turn your envy into a motivating force to improve your own situation.

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That's what Bethany F., a 25-year-old executive assistant from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, did about her jealousy over a friend's booming social life. "I'd stalk her on Facebook—she always had cool plans, and sometimes I had nothing to do. I thought I was jealous, but when I looked hard at my emotions, I realized that what I was really feeling was unimportant."

So Bethany filled her own calendar with nonprofit work and quickly found her friendvy subsiding. "Now I'm the one running around and having nonstop fun. Plus, these events are bringing real meaning to my life."

2. PLAN A COURSE OF ACTION. Should you talk to the object of your friendvy? If you've been acting out toward her, then yes. If you've been holding the feelings in, limit your time with her until you're feeling more balanced. In the meantime, take steps to improve your life. (Feeling unattractive? Start a workout plan. Feeling uninspired at work? Ask your boss how you can step up.)

3. IF YOU DO CHOOSE TO TALK TO YOUR FRIEND, BE KIND. Keep in mind that she hasn't done anything wrong. Say, "Your friendship means a lot to me. But lately I've been struggling with my reactions to your good news. It's hard to admit, but I wanted you to understand why I've been acting this way.…" Just be prepared if she feels guilty or annoyed ("You're telling me you can't be happy for me?"). But if things have been strained between the two of you, the convo will likely be a huge relief for you both. Beth A., a 30-year-old sales associate from Miami, Florida, confronted her best friend, who'd been "talking about her promotion so much that it was making me feel horrible about my job, which I hated!" The result? "We had the best heart-to-heart. I left feeling inspired and empowered, and it reminded me that there's nothing like a real girlfriend."

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