Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Two Steps Forward..

It hasn't been a great few days for me. I've let outside bullshit affect my inner peace. I don't feel that I had a slip, I just let some of my good behaviors & tools slide to the wayside for a couple of days. I didn't binge, or eat compulsively, I just didn't pay attention to my hunger/full signals & also ate some stuff that my body apparently doesn't do well with. It's strange that I never noticed it before, but I get a bad stomach ache when I eat beef.

Anyway. Stuff that went wrong. My daughter sent me a hateful letter early in the week. She usually acts this way when she's been back to drinking, so I have to assume that she's given in to the folks making pruno in the prison. I figured it was only a matter of time, honestly. That part of it doesn't bother me, it's her damned life. It bothers me when she tries to drag me into her manufactured drama. She has her self convinced that my best friend's daughter is talking about her & saying that her marriage will never last. She isn't saying anything, and is so wrapped up in her own life (with a 6 year old, a 2 year old & a baby due in September) that she barely remembers my daughter is married. This knowledge changes nothing in my daughter's mind, because she has convinced herself that it is otherwise & she can never be wrong.

She is also very angry that we'll be attending our niece's wedding in Colorado in June, because we didn't go to hers'. There were many reasons that we didn't go to her's, the first being that she had just disowned me and refused to invite me to it. When my husband told her he wasn't going because I wasn't invited, she waited two more weeks to grudgingly invite me to go. Next, was the fact that she had promised no less than four men that when she got out of rehab (which happened on November 1, 2012) she would marry them. (she married someone not included in this pool of men on January 21, 2013), so it rather seemed like her goal was to be married, not to find a life-partner. We also knew she was drinking & wanted no part in that.

I don't feel that I owe anyone an explanation for my actions, I did what I needed to in order to keep my emotions safe. We are going to our niece's wedding because we haven't done anything with my husband's family for 20 years & it's about time we do. We're also going to go & meet our brand new granddaughter while we're there.

There was an unrelated incident with someone else that made me very angry & upset, and I instantly derailed & stopped paying attention to my stomach. I appear to be back on track today, thankfully!

About Me

Within ourselves lies a drive, a force that only makes sense to us. It is that force that can make a person crazy. Crazy is only what you make of it. In the past, most people have been trained to think that crazy is a negative thing... but I repeat, crazy is only what you make of it. Crazy is a state of mind comprised of desire, anger, knowledge, courage, fear and devotion. Crazy makes people fall in love. Crazy makes a musician and an artist talented. Crazy makes a dying man take his own life. Make what you will of this, but I cannot believe I would be any better off sane. Therefore, I am, and will remain, crazy.