Sunday, March 9, 2008

Stepson of Iraq

A walking exit strategy, the Sons of Iraq – also known as the Sawha – spread across Mesopotamia with an industrialist’s spirit and the subtlety of a drunk weatherman. When I stop playing Army and finally grow up, I want to be one. Every LT worth a fuck dreads the harsh inevitability that his platoon leader time is a transient experience; a fleeting familiarity with the hands-on and the hardy reality of the front lines. After that, it’s off to become the XO, a logistical whipping boy and desk jockey, or even worse, to staff, where the Iraq War is simply something for the Powerpoint gurus and TOC-roaches to design reports around, and firefights occur so photographs can be taken for the after action storyboard. Through a sporadic mix of luck, guile, and shameless throwing of peers under the proverbial bus, I’ve managed to stick with my platoon for over a year now, with no replacement yet to pop up in my crosshairs. Still though, there is no guarantee that I’ll be able to pull these shenanigans off for the duration of the deployment, and thus, I’ve had to deal with the possibility of LT G’s post-PL life. And that’s where the Sons of Iraq come in.

Consider my application pending.

As far as I can tell, a Son of Iraq has three basic job tenets. One, don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Or, in this case, remember not to blow up the people who are paying you. Two, show up to work enough of the time that you aren’t in the grossest violation of the Americans’ compliance inspections. This will differ from week-to-week and from area-to-area, but from my perspective on the ground, two out of three (days) ain’t bad – just like the Meatloaf song states, and will keep you out of the most trouble. And three, show up every month on the doorstep of the American combat outpost, demanding anything and everything short of Chemical Ali’s vintage pog collection.

Dormant? Check. Lazy? Double check. Obnoxious? Show me the dinar, mistah! Triple check. Hell, I’ve found my ideal vocation. It’ll be like being a towel boy at the casinos again, just with even more time to read books and without the solicitations from fat Bay Area pedophiles. I’m sure the dental plan isn’t as good as the one I have with Uncle Sam, but the hours would be a huge improvement.

Granted, I don’t necessarily bring the traditional resume to Sawha, Inc. I didn’t come through the traditional street pipelines of Jaish al-Maida or Al-Qaeda in Iraq, and don’t have any shady connections to the various mob bosses that run the Sons of Iraq. I’ve never emplaced an IED in an attempt to kill and maim infidels, and don’t profess blind, scathing hatred towards my Shi’a/Sunni counterparts. Further, I tend to hit what I’m shooting at, although in all fairness, I’ve never worked with a Cold War-era AK-47 before. If I purposefully wet my powder and got access to some Guinness here, I’m fairly certain I could learn to miss my targets with that musket. If granted an interview with any of the Sawha bosses, or sub-minions, I will promise them the following things, in order to land a job on one of their checkpoints: I will only search cars if the Americans are directly overwatching me (thus forcing them to spend their time on the job ensuring that I’m doing mine, redefining the word “inefficient”), I will never tell the Americans something is amiss, and I will definitely nap away at least half of my shift, and claim confusion regarding the sleep rotation if inspected too closely by said powers that be. I’d also tout my legit understanding and historical knowledge of the paramilitary movement, focusing on the relationship and development of guerilla warfare and politics in twentieth century Ireland. That’d be sure to impress them, and if they’re an anticipatory leader, they’ll value the possibilities such education could yield them and their men in the near future. Stockpile those caches, mistah – the Coalition of the Willing willfully can’t find them all, willingly or not.

While there are some Sawha leaders who would be shocked by my candid honesty, and claim that they’d never hire such a degenerate scumbag with a shamrock fetish, I know a few that would appreciate my bluntness. Even Iraqi bureaucracies fear boat-rockers and bomb-throwers. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) And yeah, I know men much smarter, much harder, and of much more rank than I have decided the Sawha are instrumental to American success in Iraq. I’m not disagreeing with such an assessment. I’m simply stating that I want in on this epical greatness. As SSG Bulldog sometimes tells the Joes, the Army seldom provides you an opportunity to “get you yours. When it comes, you get you yours.” This is one of those rare times. I would play by the unwritten Sawha rules of sit, watch, and wait. I’ve been doing that my whole life; the military man of action I now serve as shouldn’t be too hard to discard in the name of nation-building.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, I tend towards the latter. If you are up in or around Mosul, I have hopes that the situation with SOI will separate the wheat from the chaff over time. If you are not up there, I am definitely in tears. Now you talk about a dilemma, here I am hoping you are in Mosul area, while at the same time hoping you are in a less hostile environment.

I googled "sawa" and the fourth result (under the Southern Alberta Women's Hockey Association) was Kaboom: A Soldier's War Journal: "Pay Day"

then I googled "sawha wikipedia" and the third link was Kaboom: A Soldier's War Journal (apparently the Google web crawler picked the word "Wikipedia" out of "A Different World": I need to start a report... detailing the trends and movements of displaced persons ... returning to Anu al-Verona. // Uh ... what? ... Couldn't you just look it up on Wikipedia? I have a patrol I need to get to. // How we managed to win two world wars without Microsoft Office products, I'll never know.)

Are you sure you didn't just come back here and work night shift for TODD shipyard? The language may be different, and I think the number of weapons is slightly less, but it all sounds sooooo familiar.

Ya know, they're making a movie about Irak right now. Mebbe the resume you have will interest the producers. I couldn't find a way to get a pointer to them, but you're in Wikki, and they probably use Google, too.

LT G in Iraq

More Kaboom

The Killers

Disclaimer

This website is privately operated and was designed to provide personal information, views and commentary about the author's experiences in Iraq and elsewhere. The images depicted and opinions expressed on this website are solely those of the author and not those of any agency of the United States Government, expressly including, but not limited to, the Department of Defense and the United States Army.

The purpose of the website is to serve as a means of communication between the author and his family and friends. If it brings a bit of clarity to the American people about Iraq, the nature of soldiering, or war in general, that'd be pretty cool, too.

And no worries, Spooks. The author is not going to shatter the crystal vase that is OPSEC, because his CO proofs everything that is posted. He thinks the author is special, but in a very different way than Momma G thinks the author is special.

Military jargon:Jody- The non-military guy who is back home with the military guy's wife/girlfriend. Jody leads a simple, soft life, and vengeance upon him will be swift and merciless.Fobbit - A term used to describe soldiers who never leave the wire, also known as the FOB. Originally used as a derogatory term, it has evolved into a term most often used by fobbits themselves.Terp - Interpreter.General Order No. 1 - The base order for all deployed military personnel in Iraq that bans alcohol use, pornography, and a litany of other vices. Thanks a lot, Vietnam. You had to ruin the fun for everyone.Frago - A fragmentary order; the ever-evolving update and change to mission that serves as the ringmaster to the Army's circus.Charlie Mike- Continue mission.Mikes- Army cool-guy speak for minutes.

Miscellaneous:Anu al-Verona- The nom de plume for our current location in Iraq.Ali Baba - General Aranglish term for thief and villain.Dear John letter- A tradition as long as warfare itself: the physical manifestation of every soldier's worst fears. They vary in form and are sometimes riddled with excuses and rationalizations, but all essentially say the same thing: "Hey G.I., while you're at war, I got other things going on, because I'm not willing to put my life on hold for you. Loyalty is better served as a puzzle answer on Wheel of Fortune." Bitterness is a common emergence post-Dear John.