Theresa May to say soundbites to the sea

Theresa May will deliver a series of stock phrases to the sea in the hope of halting the encroaching tide, Downing Street has announced.

After delivering a speech in Florence aimed at kickstarting deadlocked Brexit negotiations, the Prime Minister will travel to an Italian beach and shout similar platitudes to the waves, a spokesman said.

The spokesman said: “The Prime Minister will attempt to sway the course of a non-negotiable event by shouting soundbites like “Brexit means Brexit” into the air.

“And she will try the same shit on the Adriatic.

“As the Prime Minister has said on many occasions, ‘We are leaving the EU but not Europe.’ The EU hasn’t listened, so now the waves have to hear it.

“There is some hope that she can dissuade the tide from sweeping her out to sea but more importantly that it won’t heckle her, which would be worse.”