Thursday, February 7, 2013

Today was exhausting. Dexter woke up at 2 AM last night, then periodically until I brought him into bed with me, and then at 7 AM .. I got very little sleep and I'm crabby because of it. :( Chris was nice enough to work from home so that he could primarily watch Dexter since I also have a work deadline today.

Dexter was actually pretty good during the day and we even got to take our daily walk around 3:30 - 4 and then he fell asleep afterwards like he always does. Something about those walks tire him out ! I'm not sure how much longer we can do it though since it's starting to get cold again. They even forecasted that it would rain tomorrow even though it was sunny today.

Chris made pancakes for breakfast and they were delicious ! Work didn't start until around 4:30 PM and we just finished (it's 6:10 now) so I don't have to worry about that, whew. I have been so stressed lately and I can really feel it in my jaw, neck and shoulders.

We spoke with the general contractor today and he wasn't able to answer our questions to my satisfaction so I'm unsure what we're going to do at this point.

Dexter tried avocado for the first time tonight and he loved it ! Chris does a really good job (much better than me) at feeding him and we used the cool new spoons we got.. I like them so much better.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Today is the day Dexter will try solid foods for the first time !! As I previously mentioned, I really did not want to start him on solids early but the way he has been acting has changed my mind. I also did not want to start off with rice cereal (and go directly to avocados or something instead), but reading the nutrition book has changed my mind and we will be giving him a little bit tonight to taste. I'm excited !

I went into work today (we have a meeting with Doug this afternoon) and went to Target during lunch and bought some spoons and bowls. They aren't the "cute" ones I wanted to get, but those will arrive in the mail on Wednesday from Amazon. These will do for now. I also picked up Valentine's Day cards. :D

My mom just texted and said that Dexter had another poo. That's good, because he was being irritable again this morning. I guess he was just backed up !

I normally post to this blog from home. At work today, I downloaded some photos and was looking for a folder to put them in. I found a folder with all of my old ultrasound and tummy photos from before the twins were born. It seems like so long ago.

Here are a few cute ones I found in a folder of Dexter from when he was around two months. What a ham. <3

Sunday, February 3, 2013

I've been feeling rather stressed today due to the whole housing situation. While we can afford to build our house the way it's currently drawn, it doesn't mean that we should because it would stretch our finances and I'm not sure that I am comfortable with that. When I was younger (listen to how old I sound !) I would probably have given in and had it my way at any cost, but there are a lot of other things to think about now, such as Dexter. It may mean a redraw for us, ugh.

Today was the Superbowl and also my uncle's birthday. The 49ers faced off against the Ravens in New Orleans and the Ravens were kicking butt up until halftime (Beyonce performed and it was pretty good) .. then the lights went out in half the field and like my mom mentioned .. it's like mahjong .. once something happens like that, the luck shifts ! Sure enough, the second half was a lot more exciting and the 49ers nearly won .. but fell short.

Dexter's still been so moody ! Today was one of the worst days. We don't know if it's because he had to go poo (which he eventually did), but he fussed and cried all day. He even screamed when we took him for a walk in the Ergo .. first time our neighbors heard him !

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Today was a lazy Saturday at home. Chris and I started discussing whether we wanted to try feeding Dexter solid food since he has stopped sleeping his 8-10 hours a night and now lasts at most 6 hours (and then wakes up every four hours after that). I've been reading the nutrition book by AAP our pediatrician recommended and it seems like he exhibits signs of being ready to try. I will have to look into high chairs, spoons, etc. EDIT: Okay, I think I found the spoons and high chair I want, but jeez, high chairs are expensive !

Mom helped out with Dexter today (even though she's still sick, poor mom) and it allowed us some time to do things we wanted .. like level ! :D

Friday, February 1, 2013

I noticed today that Dexter has been sitting straighter in his jumperoo. He used to always lean back and let the chair support him, but today, he was using his abs and pulling himself up so that he could reach the toys up front. It's very exciting !

He also broke his old tummy time record today ...25 minutes ! I was amazed but he was very interested in this rainforest sound machine we purchased before he was even born. Way to go Dex !

Chris and I went to go eat sushi tonight and it was very good and very nice. On the way back, we stopped at Fry's where we went silly on an iPad (our photos are still saved on there) and where Chris fulfilled his end of the bet !

Not much to report otherwise .. my mom is still sick and coughing a lot and I hope she feels better soon ! I also am starting to see the effects of taking the domperidone, I think, because my supply is going up.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

It's official .. I love the Ergo. It took me a while to love it since the newborn insert frustrated me to no end, and even now, it doesn't feel like he fits it quite right sometimes (just sometimes, which is weird), but he's gotten over the "I'm in an Ergo and I'm going to cry" phase and seems to really enjoy it now. We took the long walk around the neighborhood (the one I usually do in a stroller) and he was alert and interested the whole time, though he hated the sun in his face. I had brought a thin blanket that I used to shield him but somewhere along the way, we lost his hat and one sock. :( I'll go look for it later. EDIT: I ran around the whole loop and found both of them, yay ! I wish I had gone backwards though since it was right at the end of our trek.

The thing about breastfeeding (at least, for me) is that I always have to drink water or I don't make much milk. The thing about drinking water is that it makes me have to pee like crazy because I have a small bladder. You'd think I would learn my lesson by now, but I drank some water before our walk and I came to regret it later. We were maybe a quarter mile in when I felt the first urges and I was thinking, no no no ! I just kept on walking and tried to hold it in but I couldn't completely. Repeat that for the whole walk home and by the time I got home, I no longer needed to use the restroom and I needed a change of clothes. :( Also, Dexter's cloth diaper had soaked through and so the front of my t-shirt was also wet.

Dexter hasn't been sleeping well during the day lately. My mom isn't feeling well and so I haven't been using her bed for naps (her bed is nice and firm and he loves to sleep on it) and he -may- fall asleep for a few minutes in his swing or on our bed, but he wakes up quickly. I'm tired ! But I think the walk tired him out because now he's asleep *fingers crossed*. He hasn't been sleeping as long at night either. He woke up twice last night at 2 AM and 7 AM.

I've been thinking lately that I take a lot of pictures of Dexter but not Dexter with someone else and so today I took a few photos of Dexter and me !

After a brief nap today Dexter woke up and there was blood dripping out of his mouth mixed with drool. I freaked out and looked inside his mouth and there was blood in there ! Then he started screaming. Like I'm-in-pain-help-me kind of screaming and I was trying to soothe him while trying to figure out where the blood was from (it was realistically maybe only a few drops of blood but diluted with drool). I called Chris and asked him to call the doctor. Dexter screamed and screamed until I gave in and gave him some Tylenol. Then I nursed. I felt for teeth and didn't feel any. There's no blood anymore thankfully and he's been sleeping since his last bottle.

Watching him nap on the bed makes me feel like he's such a big kid. He looks just like a tiny little person !

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The boppy just might be one of our best purchases to date. This morning, I set up the Boppy on top of our play mat and plopped Dexter on top .. he loved it ! He was swatting at the toys and grabbing at them even and he spent a lot of time playing. He was smiling and laughing and squealing ! Just thinking about it puts a big smile on my face.

He didn't want to sleep today and I've been breastfeeding so much (as opposed to pumping) that I'm sore (though I do get a lot of reading done). I stopped taking my domperidone becuase I had pretty good milk production for a while but then today I went five to six hours without pumping and only got 2 oz. :( That really bummed me out. I guess it's back on the domperidone for me - I hope it doesn't give me cancer !

I find myself often looking at Dexter and just feeling so amazed. He's such a character and he makes me feel so happy. It's hard to imagine that he's his own little being with thoughts (I wonder what he thinks about .. or dreams about, especially when he starts laughing when he's sleeping), feelings and wants. I can't get enough of him. <3

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dexter just can't get enough sleep ! He took a "nap" at 1:15 PM, woke up at 6:15 PM for a bottle, then 9:30 PM, then 2:00 AM, then 5:00 AM, and woke up at 9 AM ! He either fell asleep as he was drinking or stayed awake for a short period of time and then fell asleep. Chris says it's a growth spurt.

I was excited to try the boppy today but I'm not sure that Dexter has taken to it yet. He sat in it on the bed next to me for a little bit but then started to fuss. However, later in the afternoon, I put him on his tummy over the boppy (thank goodness for bibs since he drooled all over) and he seemed to like that better than being flat. I think ... but I still think it's a pretty good purchase (much better than some other ones I made and never used).

Dexter had a bath today (first one in three days) and he enjoyed it as usual, though I think I kept him in there a little bit longer than usual .. he got pruny !

Monday, January 28, 2013

A while ago, we purchased this Summer bumbo chair thing that I wanted to return because I didn't like it. However, I thought my mom recycled the box and so I figured we were stuck with it. A few weeks later, Chris and I were outside and I saw that my mom had flattened the box and used it in her garden and she fished it out for me, I retaped it, and Chris went to Toys R Us to return it, haha ! I had wanted to get a boppy from even before the twins were born, but since I indulged in every other thing I had to have, I didn't get one because I wasn't sure I'd use it.

FC's pictures of her son often have him playing on his boppy and it got me thinking about getting one again since it looked like she used it often and it was useful and so I asked Chris to get one with the credit from the chair. And that is how we ended up with our boppy ! He just brought it home tonight so we haven't had a time to test it out, but it's in a cute monsters print. :)

I had a meeting this morning at work and then we went to see our architect. The drawings look good (even though I'm still contemplating some window stuff) and it all looks so professional and formal .. it's really happening ! We will be meeting with general contractors soon.

I finally got the first draft of my RNs out today (yay !) and that is a huge weight off my shoulders. There is still a lot to do, but I am feeling a lot better about all the work ahead.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

This morning we went out to dim sum for brunch (yum) and it wasn't as crowded as it usually is. The rest of the day was pretty relaxed - we all played with Dexter and while Taipo was holding him, he had a big poo !

Chris also cleaned Dillie's tank .. it had been a long, long time. Now Dillie is happily swimming around.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Draco laid eggs (finally) !! That was Chris's revelation this morning. I looked, and sure enough, there were a good number of eggs in her cage (at least now we can confirm that she is indeed a she. Drakette ?). I didn't think she would lay so many eggs or that they would be so squishy looking but Chris told me they are soft shelled. I find it fascinating. Part of me is sad that Draco will never actually have babies. Chris told me that reptiles don't get hooked on their young but I swear she eyes Dexter wistfully !

On the other hand, Dillie is getting her cage cleaned today .. I think. Poor Dillie !

Chris got down our GT stroller today and we sat Dexter in it to see if he could use it. He seems to hate his Chicco snap on stroller (but I love it because then I can look at his face the whole time). The straps are a bit loose on him but he's secure enough that he won't be in danger of falling out and today was a gorgeous day and so I took Dexter for a stroll around the neighborhood.

He hated it. This kid hates walks ! But we did get home before he started yelling.

I went into work today (I'm here as I type). Last night was brutal. I woke up every 2-3 hours to pump, and every time I was up, Chris and Dexter was up. Dexter woke up at around 2-2:30 AM, then again at 5ish, then again at 7ish .. at seven, I crawled into bed with Chris and Dexter and nursed Dexter until he fell semi back asleep, but he was soon up again and Chris (poor Chris !) took him to the family room while I slept .. until noon ! Oh man, I feel so bad when I'm snoozing and Chris is all sleep deprived and entertaining Dexter.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Oh yes, you read the title right .. Chris and I returned to Azeroth for the first time in a long time tonight ! I could feel myself get the anxious-obsessive willies as I stared at the login screen. And there she was .. Zurie ! Oh it has been such a long time. Everything has changed in the game and I played like it was my first time, but it was nice to be back and to chat with people who were on.

Chris also got braces this morning. They look -so- cool. You can't even tell he has braces unless you look at him closely because he got the clear ones (wish I had those back when I had braces !). His teeth are starting to get tender, poor guy. He looks good in braces !

Dexter had a good day today. We took another name between 12:30-3:30 PM and I noticed that last night he didn't sleep as long as before .. maybe because of the nap ? It's just so nice when he's asleep for a few hours and I can get things done, and I do hate to wake a sleeping baby. He went to sleep tonight at around 8 PM so we'll see how he does tonight.

While he was napping, I was looking at his cute face and noticed this booger that was sticking out. Every time he would inhale, it would get sucked in, and every time he exhaled, it would come shooting back out. I took a video, haha. It's kind of gross but I have no reservations about reaching in and grabbing his boogers out. He has some very impressive ones.

We got great news today !! It turns out that we may be able to build our house after all. Chris and I did a celebratory dance as Dexter looked on. :D

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Dexter and I had two wonderful naps today. The first one was for four hours and the second one was for about an hour and a half. I feel conflicted about his day time naps as I feel that he won't sleep as well at night .. during the holidays when he was up all the time watching everyone, he slept so well (around ten hours a night) but he was grumpy during the day. Better to let him get sleep when he can, me thinks !

He was just so good and adorable all day. We didn't even use the jumperoo today, but we did do tummy time twice (or was it three times), danced, sang, and even put him in the Ergo for a little bit. I'm still unsure how the Ergo is supposed to fit and I should ask the ladies at TMP to take a look for me. I think he's just on the threshold where he doesn't necessarily need the newborn insert but is still small without it.

Since Dexter has been having formula off and on, he isn't stooling as regularly as he used to. Right now, it's about every two days or so. Tonight, as I was feeding him before bed, he was making grunting noises and farting, and then I felt it .. the bubbly warmness again my thigh and I thought, oh here we go ! My mom walked in at one point and was talking when he sharted again and she just stopped midsentence and walked out of the room, haha ! I gave him time to finish while he drained his bottle and then we went to the changing pad to see how bad it was. He was wearing this really cute white onesie with light blue whales on it and the back of it looked okay.

It probably was okay until I laid him down flat on his back. That was probably when it shot up his back, because when I pulled his legs up to look, it was everywhere (and on my finger). Oh also, I think I hurt him by accident by lifting up his legs when he just drank because he started screaming and his face turned bright red. Curiously, he was actually tearing. I felt bad and sat him up and he seemed fine again.

I called for my mom, and she took one look and said, I'm going to bathe him in the sink ! I was happy to hand him over. :p I was holding him as she was undressing him and my fingers were stuck in the mud-like substance on his back. Yuck ! She took him to the sink and gave him a quick bath, and then wrapped him in a blue hooded doggy towel and said, "Okay now, don't pee !"

Of course, he immediately peed, and we laughed about that. I was going to leave the changing pad for Chris to find (lucky him), but decided it wasn't very sanitary to leave it airing out like that, and then noticed that there was also a poo smudge on the closet door.

It is cold so I usually dress him quickly, but naked babies are so cute (preferably with a diaper on). I don't know whether it's because their skin is so soft or what, but babies look so good with no clothes on. <3

I also took these two photos for Chris; he thinks that Dexter really looks like me in the first one.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

I love the rain ! Everyone should sleep well tonight. Dexter and I took a nap this afternoon (three hours for me, four for him) and I was worried that he wouldn't sleep well tonight for Chris but he's already asleep, yay.

He had a great day today. He wasn't too fussy, smile and laughed a lot, did great during tummy time, and was attentive and calm. He did drink more than normal, I think, but that's alright ! I'm still waiting for him to start grabbing at everything but right now his arms stay by his sides for the most part like wet noodles.

Today's the third day since his last bath (oops, forgot to do it yesterday) and then I dressed him in my current favorite HA outfit ! We've just started using his sleep sacks during the day (we still swaddle him at night) to keep him warm since it has gotten a little chilly during the day.

The nutrition book my pediatrician came today and I was not pleased. The seller (the book doesn't even appear to be in publication anymore which makes me wonder how good it actually is, but it's from the AAP) stated that the book was in like new condition, which is why I chose it over free two-day shipping and a cheaper price, and the book is obviously old, worn, and used. I guess I can't complain .. it did cost a penny. But still .. I hate it when I can't get the stickies off, and I think I need to wipe down the cover because I have no idea what that spot is on it. Yuck.

Chris went to the dentist today and had no cavities. I can't remember the last time I had a cavity (knocks on wood) which is good because getting those filled sucks. Only two more days until he gets braces .. I can't wait ! Too bad I don't have them also.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Last night, Chris told me that he still regretted coming home the night before Max passed away and it made me feel awful because the truth is that it was really my fault. We had waited the whole day at the hospital (it was the day when he started to crash .. the morning was -great- but then everything started to go wrong and we were there waiting for radiology, waiting for an OR to open up, waiting for surgery ..) and had been crying all day and just a nervous wreck. We waited anxious to see if he would make it out of surgery (there was a very real fear that he would not), and were so relieved to hear that he did, and the surgeons told us that they would have to wait about 36-48 hours to see how much of his intestines they could save.

Even as we made our way back into the NICU (they had closed it down because he wasn't stable enough to move), there were so many nurses and doctors still working on him. I saw the blood splattered on the ground and how he had big awful "Frankenstein" stitches across his chest, and I was so tired .. and I wanted to go home. Chris wanted to stay. He really wanted to stay. But I said that we should go home and rest while we could. And so we went.

That night, around 3 AM, the doctor called me and told me that things weren't going well. I hung up the phone, numb, and contemplated going in, but much like the previous night, I think the main reason I didn't go is because I was just too scared of what I would see or hear. I think we all saw and heard too many things we wish we could unsee and unhear during that period.

Am I a bad mother for not having spent every single moment with Max when I could have ? I have no doubt that I loved and still do love him. He always put a smile on my face and I always wanted to be near him, but it was frightening how small and frail he was, and I never knew if he was our baby to keep. Was it cowardice on my part ? I tell myself that I did what I had to do to get by and that I saw him every day and not to be too hard on myself, but I know I could have done more.

It hurts to think that Chris looks back on that night with such regret and pain when it was my fault we weren't there. I just didn't think I could take any more that night. Even though he had made it out of surgery, there was still too much air in his lungs and they were still frantically inserting lines to try to get the air out. I just thought .. it never ends. And I knew it didn't look good.

Even now, I'm haunted by the things I did see. I wish I could choose to remember our Max the way I want to, and I hope in time the more traumatizing things will fade away and I will simply remember the way he always tried to open his eyes and his shy smile.

I went back into work today and had lunch with a friend (TK). When I got home, I believe he had just fed and so we let bath time slip by today. I just love coming home to Dexter. He reminds me of everything that is good. I love the way he lets me hold him upright when he gets really tired (and subsequently smashes his head into my jaw, usually) and seeing his face up close without my glasses.

He didn't want to sleep after he had his bottle tonight and after a while, we placed him in his crib and he fell asleep by himself.

Monday, January 21, 2013

I went into work today since my mom watched Dexter and it is with mixed feelings I go into work. On one hand, I never imagined myself as a stay at home mom. In fact, I've always figured that I'd be a better mom if I went to work and came home to spend time with him because then I always had something to look forward to during the day, and it would give me some normalcy. I don't know how I feel now. Spending days with Dexter is undeniably hard, yet very rewarding. It's frustrating that I don't know what he wants when he's crying (at work, people will definitely tell you what they want), and sometimes I just want to pull my hair out. I'm exhausted from .. everything. I'm so tired of pumping. Playing with him and just taking care of him is more work than work.

When someone in my family takes care of Dexter, I happily go off to work because it feels nice to have some time to myself, even though it's to go to work. I interact with people who are around my age, feel productive from doing work, and I know that Dexter is in really good hands. I think my thinking would be different if it was a nanny because I don't know that I would trust that someone else would take care of my kid the way I would take care of my child. The idea of leaving him with a nanny makes me very nervous.

Today my mom told me potentially bad news. The fact is that we may very well not be able to afford to build our house the way we intended. What started out as a relatively small remodel has now turned into a complete demolition and rebuild, and while Chris and I are fortunate in our finances, building the house how we wanted would leave us with less than would make me feel comfortable and so now we have to rethink where we will do. My mom has been such a tremendous help throughout all of this and I don't want to be a burden on her more.

I pumped twice more at my desk today at work .. it's kind of nice even though I have to watch out for people approaching ! This time, it was because someone had locked the pump room (or someone was using it) and I had no choice.

The stress of the whole house thing, coupled with going into work with all these deadlines looming over my head has made today a not-so-great day. I came home and my mom said that Dexter has a good day and she got him to take a nap so I pretty much only took care of him from eight to eleven while Chris was at the gym. We did manage to get in some tummy time and jumperoo time, even though he wouldn't sit still for two books (we read half of each). He's still up and it's 11:25 PM right now. He won't sleep ! Last night, he slept from around nine to five-thirty, but I kept waking up because he was making little noises (and I drank too much water before bed) and so I didn't sleep well or much last night. I've just had a spat with Chris and I'm ready to call it a day.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Well .. the 49ers are going to the Superbowl ! W00t. It was an exciting game .. I only caught the end of the fourth quarter but I saw recaps. :) Dexter was happy too (I'm pretty sure because the 49ers will be his team regardless of what Chris says). Actually, it's kind of sad when Chris looks at me and says, "That's messed up, a boy should follow his father's team." LoL. Okay, but he's also a Bay Area native ! In any case, Chris missed it because he's unsupportive of our team and I kept on watching and saw the Patriots versus the Ravens as well. I was rooting for the Ravens since I wanted to watch the two brothers battle it out in the Superbowl (and also because they are the underdogs) and they won !

Tonight was the first time in a while I had a good cry about Max. I think I needed to get it out. It always strikes randomly as I've mentioned before, but lately, looking at Dexter has made me think of what I don't have .. my other twin. As they say, this too shall pass. I think.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Dexter slept nearly ten hours last night and that was nice ! The previous night, for Chris, he woke often (screaming). We think he's going through another growth spurt because he's been feeding more frequently and has been a lot more vocal (read: screaming/crying when he's hungry).

He's been Mr. Grumps today ! He fed frequently and just seemed overall fussy and not happy (though he'd be crying one second and then throwing his head back to laugh the next). I enjoy our quiet moments together early in the morning when we're looking at the window outside or when we're reading books. He also seems to like lying in his rock n play watching us cook or do laundry (and boy does he make us do laundry often).

I fell asleep for a few hours in the middle of the day .. I can't seem to get enough sleep lately.

We got a very nice surprise today - his primary and our friend CN sent him a box of toys ! It was so unexpected and thoughtful .. and he loves them ! He also loves chewing on them .. he will chew on anything. I feel bad because we had given her our new address and we don't actually go there to check for mail frequently (about once a week) and so our thanks are very overdue. We feel spoiled by our wonderful nurses .. they have already given us the best gift (ensuring Dexter is who he is today) and again feel so lucky that we got to know them. It makes me miss them, too. When we were at the eye clinic yesterday (across from the hospital), I wanted to hop across the street to see if any of them were working but I feel like we were just there and I'm always like here, look at my kid, haha !

It also reminded me that I have something to send as well .. I am so bad at mailing packages. =/ It's been sitting on the piano since before Christmas ! I must remember to get it out Monday ...

My mom is walking around with him again. No one can get him to sleep like her. Thank goodness for moms !

Friday, January 18, 2013

Apparently the eye clinic is the place to be on Friday mornings ! Dexter and I left the house an hour beforehand (Chris met us from work) and we got there with half an hour to spare. However, parking took us about twenty minutes ! The hospital has been under construction since before I was admitted and the whole time we were there, parking was an issue. I didn't mind driving in circles until we found a space though since we were early. The security guard wanted me to park elsewhere but I pleaded that I had a newborn with me and didn't want to walk far.

The place was packed. Well, at first, I was lost because I was looking for the eye clinic sign, but it's under the surgical department. We waited in line to sign in and then we waited. Being in crowded places makes me nervous because Dexter is still small. The flu season this year is bad and I've tried to keep Dexter out of public places .. there was nowhere to hide here, though. We did park ourselves in a corner but I did hear many people coughing and wiping their noses.

We got called in about ten minutes late but the nurse was very nice and did some simple tests on Dexter. She held up a toy and he tracked it with his eyes (he does love looking around) and then she dialated his eyes and told us that they would call us back in 20-30 minutes. Back into the waiting room we went ! As time went on, the waiting room did get less and less crowded (and by the time we left, there weren't many people at all, which led me to question if they scheduled all their appointments in the morning) and Dexter fell asleep. I'm glad he didn't start screaming because I remember eye exams in the NICU/PICN .. the babies never seemed happy afterwards.

After we were called back in, we met Dr. F, who was very nice and did a quick exam. He told us that Dexter's eyes were "the best he's seen all day" and that he is still a little bit far-sighted but it wasn't a concern since it was common in babies. He explained that Dexter would come yearly until he was three years old, and then he would be declared normal.

Dexter was so good today ! He didn't cry on the ride over or on the ride home. When we got home, I pulled all the shades down and we relaxed in the room; he fed and then fell asleep as I worked.

He often gets into fits of laughter lately and has been squealing and talking a lot more. It's so fun ! I love seeing his teethless gums and his noises of delight. My mom, Chris and I often surround him and smile and laugh and talk to him and he just smiles the whole time and talks. :)

Thursday, January 17, 2013

It's only 8:10 PM and I already want to go to bed. Dexter woke up at 3 AM to feed and then slept until 7:00 AM, which is perfect because I had to get up and go into work for a meeting. I handed him off to Chris, and he snuggled against Chris and was sleeping next to him when I left. The meeting ran over and I came home afterwards, and while the three of us were home together we got some cute pictures of Dexter ! Apparently, he finds it really funny when you take large steps sideways and kept laughing .. they're more like fits of giggles, really. :)

Also, I got good news because the deadline I thought I had today was actually pushed out.

He's still crankier than usual and I wonder if it has anything to do with the shots he had gotten or if this is going to become a normal thing. We did take a nap together today from around 2 PM - 5:30 PM .. that was nice ! I could get used to that. I love waking up to see his chub face.

I've been thinking about Max extra lately. Yesterday, FC sent me these super cute photos of her son, who is also a surviving twin. Most of the photos made me smile, but there was one that left me feeling a dull ache in my chest .. her son is looking into the mirror and you can just feel the resonating sadness that comes from a mother missing her child. Just typing this is making me cry ! It hits me at the strangest times and stops me in my tracks. It's hard to breathe and all I can feel is the burning tears threatening to spill over and the blood pounding in my head.

People often say, "Well, at least you have one !" or something similar to me that's supposed to be supportive or .. something, but I usually just stare blankly at them or force a smile to my face. I never know how to respond. I am thankful for Dexter, but Max was mine, too.

The worst is when people tell me that someday I will have a second child. I had a second child. My next child will be my third.

It's been a long time since I had a day where I struggled with my thoughts of Max. When I wake up in the middle of the night to pump, that's when I feel the closest to him. The last words out of my mouth and my last thought before sleep takes me is always Max.

On days like this, I long to talk to my husband, who I know can always make me feel better, and yet I'm hesitant because I don't want to make him feel sad. He doesn't talk about Max often and for a long time my feelings were hurt because I feel that he just forgot about him, but I know that he just doesn't voice things the way I do and that he misses him just as much.

Les Miserables will always remind me of Max. When I was pregnant with them, I would sing it all the time (even to Max when he was in the NICU). There's this part in One Day More when Eponine says, what a life I might have known. I often think about that. What a different life Chris and I could have had. What a different life Max and Dexter could have had.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Today was stressful. Deadlines are rapidly approaching and I'm feeling the pressure. I tried to work today at home but Dexter was having a rare moody day. He cried. He cried some more. I pulled hair out and got little work done. I had a meltdown.

I think we were both a little frustrated and I wonder if this is what it's going to be like until he can talk. I look at him and he just looks so .. pissed .. and I have no idea what's wrong. I tried everything to get him to be interested and engaged but he just wanted to cry.

We did manage to squeeze in bath time and it was the first time I washed his hair while he was sitting in the tub .. what a big boy thing to do ! He sure loves being clean. He definitely didn't get that from me. I wonder if he's going through a growth spurt again because today he's been feeding a lot more and frequently than usual.

Thankfully, Chris came home early and I took the opportunity to run into work. I even treated myself to McDonalds (my once yearly McDonalds) .. I later regretted it because it made my stomach hurt. Dang McDonalds, that's why I never eat you.

I stayed at work for five hours or so and thought I did enough that I could finish up at home and so I came home, ate (thank goodness for family members making meals), Facetimed my sister (hey, a girl's gotta do something relaxing once a day) and then sat down to work again.

Except .. the internet connection didn't want to stay up, and my connection to work was extremely slow when I could connect (sigh), and so now I'm sitting here updating this blog and thinking again about all the work that needs to be done tomorrow.

I did pump at my desk while I was in the office .. that was fun. It didn't seem like many people were still there (at 4:30 PM, ha !) and so I set everything up and pumped. I was a bit paranoid that someone would walk by but no one did, thankfully. We do have an unofficial pump room at work, but it is this really small, horror movie lit (extremely dim lightbulb that flickers), and windowless.

When I came home, I went into my mom's room to check on Dexter and he woke up and saw me and smiled. He knows just the right things to do to make me happy. :)

And in other good news ... Chris just fixed the n key on my keyboard so I don't have to mash it over and over to get it to type anymore.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I woke up at 4 AM this morning just because. That's right ! Well, not exactly just because, but let me back up. Someone at my company (who isn't in my time zone, I gather) decided to hold a conference call at 5:30 AM and I decided to attend. Since my boss is nice enough to let me work from home, I figured the least I could do is attend a meeting by phone. It was my night to take care of Dexter. He went to sleep around 7:30 last night and to my amazement, when I woke up, he was still asleep ! I kept waiting for him to stir, but he didn't. I squeezed the girls (something I admittedly do all the time now, in private and in public) and determined that I should either feed or pump. I didn't want to wake him up to feed, but I didn't want to get all set up to pump either and then have him wake up in the middle of it.

I waited until 4:30 AM (do you know how bad it feels to want to pump .. do you !) and then decided to go into the family room and pump. It was cold ! I logged into my laptop and posted on TMP (something I need to be better about) and then checked email; to my delight I saw a email from FC. I read and responded to her and by that time, Dexter was starting to stir and the time was about 5:15 AM. Arg ! Do I tend to him and be late for my meeting .. or should I call in first and leave him hungry a little bit longer ? Thankfully, he decided to not really wake until 5:30 AM and so I quickly called in, said my name, put the bottle in the warmer, and then went into the bedroom.

I had muted myself after I said my name and set it to speaker when I entered the room. Then I threw it on the bed as I did the usual .. greet Dexter, single and talk to him while I'm changing him .. and then I went to get the bottle and went back into the bedroom where we snuggled in bed while I listened to the call.

Now, Dexter is a noisy drinker, meaning that he makes these little grunts of satisfaction and swallows loudly, and it wasn't until the meeting was well under way that I realized that I wasn't muted .. when you switch to speakerphone on that phone, it takes you off mute ! I muted myself again and laughed out loud .. I can't imagine what it must have sounded like on the other end hearing me hum and sing and talk to myself .. not to mention the little moans and slurping sounds from Dexter ! :)

Monday, January 14, 2013

Today we woke up at 8 AM and drove to Dexter's six month appointment. We were late because of traffic - we take a route neither of us normally take during our commute and as a result, the nurse told us that since we were late, we should limit our questions to one or two. That annoyed us. We had been feeling iffy about our pediatrician, not because of anything she has done, per se, but she actually took the time to answer all our questions and to go through the questionnaire I filled out beforehand and so we were happy about that.

She said that he should be functioning at a four month level right now and that he was hitting that milestone. He can hold his head up, roll over, smile, laugh, push himself up while on his stomach, and the only thing he doesn't really do is reach out to grab objects. We were told to wait another month or two before starting solids.

We explained our difficulty with bedtime .. with Chris, it seems like he can sleep nine hours fairly consistently, but with me, he sleeps six hours, wakes up to feed, and then sleeps another four hours or so. The doctor told us it's most likely because a) I give in too easily and rush to feed him when he starts to stir or b) he smells/senses me in the room or nearby and it reminds him that he's hungry.

I'm definitely guilty of rushing to feed him because I hate being hungry .. I'd hate for him to be hungry ! But I do agree that I should try to teach him to sleep through the night and told myself that I would try the pacifier trick tonight. The doctor said he was old enough and at the point he should be able to sleep through the night and that he could stand not eating for that long. We'll see how tonight goes !

I also asked about the jumperoo .. was it bad for his hips ? She said that excessive amounts of time in it wouldn't be good for him but if we were doing short periods of time that it was fine. I asked about the pacifier and she said that it didn't cause jaw/teeth issues and that her own kids used pacifiers until they were three years old. If anything, sucking causes an inward action which is better than thumb sucking, which may cause teeth to be pushed out.

Today he weighed 14 lbs 11.5 oz with a head circumference of 40 cms and length of 24.25 inches. W00t ! His weight gain has slowed down a lot (he isn't even hitting an ounce gain per day now) but she's rather happy about that since he's getting to be quite chunky. Our next appointment with her is in three months.

Dexter had three shots and an oral vaccine today, poor baby. It was supposed to be four shots but we deferred the Hepatitis B shot to next month when we'll be back for the second half of the flu vaccine.

After the doctor visit (which he handled well, btw, he didn't cry for long), he slept the whole way home, then we took a bath, he fed and slept. But around 2:30 PM, he suddenly started screaming the way he did last time after he had immunizations and even though we sang, danced, played (well, I did, he just screamed), sucked on sugar water, etc., he was still really unhappy and sounded like he was in pain and so I gave him his first ever dose of acetaminophen. The dosage is supposed to be 2.5 mLs (80 mg) but I gave him about 3/4 dose. Then I nursed and he fell asleep.

He's been doing so well with tummy time lately. Rolling over four times and holding his head up for seven plus minutes.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I got pho for lunch, mmm. My grandmother came over as usual and Chris and I snuck out to eat pho.

We also got to Facetime Yaya, TA and TB today. That is always nice ! I'm so glad that Dexter gets to see them and vice versa.

One thing I should mention that I forgot yesterday was that the 49ers won over the Packers ! Woohoo. That means that Chris lost the bet (he's a huge Packers fan and the 49ers are my team) and we will see a picture of him wearing a 49er jersey soon, muahahaha.

Nothing big to report today ! I can feel work deadlines coming fast and spent most of the night working.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I miss my sister already ! I know that Dexter misses his xiao ah yi as well. The good news is that she'll be back soon .. counting the days !

Today was fairly uneventful. Chris took care of Dexter and he slept for a very long time (nine hours ?) and I passed out and slept for longer than I should have. My mom went shopping today and so we stayed at home today .. well .. I watched Dexter while Chris got a haircut, and then I ran errands.

I exchaged a carafe at Storables, exchanged Dr. Brown bottles at Burlington Coat Factory (great sales on them btw), picked up a dress to wear at Chris's company party tonight from Nordstrom Rack, then went to Buy Buy Baby to purchase some items. I got the good binkies (are they the only ones who carry them !) .. I would later come home and realize I forgot to look at the sizes for them but thankfully I got two that were < 6 months and four > 6 months .. those ring toys I bought a week ago and mysteriously disappeared a day later (the lady at the cash register was clueless and told me they didn't carry them .. I saw them on my way out so then had to get back in line, ugh), and new swaddlers (one in this cute animal print).

I got home before my mom and when she came home, Chris and I got ready and headed to his company party. It was small and intimate and I ended up losing at blackjack but only because I got greedy at the end ! On the other hand, Chris won huge at poker like he usually does. :) It was really fun to dress up and get out to an adult event even though we didn't win any of the door prizes.

My only complaint is that there was nothing substantial to eat ! Why say that you will serve dinner when you'll serve cheese and crackers and hor devours (not that I didn't like them .. they were delicious, but didn't fill me up). I convinced Chris to get pho afterwards but all the places were closed .. should have gone to Castro.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Today Dexter turned six months old ! I woke up to his smiles (love love his smiles) and to my sister screaming when Chris got a glimpse of her in her underwear. It was my fault, really. I thought she asked if he was inside the room, but she asked if he was in the house. Oh well .. it was bound to happen sooner or later ? Plus, I guess it's payback for the time I left the bathroom door open while Chris was showering. Tee hee hee.

My sister came in and held him and then we set up a little photo shoot for Dexter .. he wasn't interested at all .. all he wanted to do was gnaw on his hands.

He had a good day today.

My sister left to LA this afternoon to visit friends *tear*, but she'll be back to visit soon. :)

Interesting tidbit - a year ago exactly today, Dexter and Max were conceived.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

I have a new favorite picture of Dexter ! It's now the lock screen wallpaper (the home screen wallpaper is of me holding Max). Looking at these two photos makes me smile .. I love the way his face looks and the way his toes are all curled upwards like an elf. <3

The blue elephant Hanna Andersson onesie was purchased by my mom and sister. It's a new favorite as well ! He's outgrown his bumblebee and green with white dots HA so I need a new favorite.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Chris, Dex and I all stayed home today .. not much to report. Chris and I went to finish up the leaves at our house (finally) and I always feel bad because it's Chris doing the majority of the work and getting all dirty. I try, but I can't rake as much as he can by far. I do end up sweating like crazy and with sore arms, though ! What a weakling.

Dexter woke up frequently this morning and as a result is a bit crabby. But he is tolerating tummy time more and more thankfully and held his head up for four whole minutes today .. new record !

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Christmas tree went to the curb today, so sad ! Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday and Chris picks the most perfect looking trees .. it's sad to see it all wilted and sideways on the curb waiting to be shredded. Another year has passed and the tree on the curb signals that it's time to get back to work because work is about to get very hectic.

Dexter had bath time today .. with the holidays we haven't been doing the every other day as usual and he has gotten a little stinky.

We sat him in his jumperoo and he bounced around for a little bit.. he may actually grow to really like that thing. It looks like a lot of fun. I'd play in it if I fit. While that toy seems to be a hit, I'm not fond of the Summer bumbo type chair at all. In fact, I was going to return it, but my mom recycled the box and so now we're stuck with it.

He's so giggly and happy today .. maybe it's because he finally pooed ! I was sitting in the rocking chair with Dexter when I thought I smelled something, but with my nose, I never know for sure. Then Chris came through the door and I held up Dex's butt for him to smell and he said he didn't smell anything so I was like okay. Chris went to call the ortho and so I was still sitting there rocking when I noticed that there was some light yellow stains around Dex's stomach and I thought oh man, cloth diaper, the pee leaked out !

So I went to change him. As soon I unzipped his onesie .. I knew. There was poo smashed up his stomach and caked into his belly button. It was everywhere. And it smelled horrible. I was about to start cleaning it up when Chris came in with the receptionist still on the phone and asked for my dental information. I told him to hold Dexter's diaper open for me when I heard the front door open .. perfect timing !! So I yelled for my sister to come change Dexter and she came in like, okay, sure, rolling up her sleeves .. and the she saw IT and was like ahh !! But she cleaned it for us. :)

Since Chris was home, lucky daddy got to rinse off the poo (thank goodness for the new pair of waterproof shoes). I laugh just thinking about it. Chris has a very high tolerance for things I consider repulsive and he went out there with the diaper and he stood there for a while. I was like, "What are you doing !" and he yelled back, "It's all about angles !".

He had the diaper on the ground and I was like nooo pick it up and spray it. I was laughing the whole time. XAY brought Dexter out since it was a nice sunny winter day and Dexter was looking over at Chris like, wtf are you doing ??

Monday, January 7, 2013

Dexter spent time with his Popo (Grandma) today since she was at home and I went to work. It feels very strange to go to work now. The good news is that I'm very motivated at work but it's a hassle to pump at work and I miss the little guy.

Tonight went to my uncle's house for dinner. My aunt cooked dinner (ribs, salmon, salad, fruit, mashed potatoes, mm) since we wanted a get together before my sister left and it was fun to hang out with the family. I really love my family and I hope that we raise Dexter to be as close to all of us as I am to everyone.

We played Pictionary with our cousins and that was really fun. I don't think I'm a very good drawer, lol. People get very creative and lucky with some of their guesses (on the money, lol !).

Dexter was fussy the whole time but his Taipo (great-grandmother) and Popo took care of him while we were over there. I apparently missed something that would have made me laugh .. Dexter was sucking on his binkie, then dramatically grabbed it with his hand, pulled it out of his mouth, smacked his lips a few times, then put it directly back in his mouth, haha !

I had dressed him in the cute HA outfit but he peed on it since he was wearing a cloth diaper and was changed as soon as we got there. :(

He ate at 8 PM and didn't go to sleep until 10 PM (too many people most likely) ... and then didn't wake up until 5 AM ! Lucky dad. :)

Sunday, January 6, 2013

It's finally mahjong day ! My grandmother came over today to play. I love my Popo. She does everything for us. My sister, Chris and I made up the other players. I was on a hot streak for a while (I didn't wash my hands, hehe) but in the end, my grandmother was the big winner. My poor sister ! She usually does so well but today was not her day.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Dexter had a grumpy day today and I think it was my fault. Last night, he went to sleep aroud 7:30 PM and woke up around 2 AM, which has been his schedule lately. We had fed him a bottle before he went to sleep and so I hadn't pumped for eight hours at that point (eek) and so I think I had a lot of milk - he drank and fell asleep, and I swaddled him again and went to sleep. At some point during the night, I woke up and heard him grunting and tossing and turning and got up to check .. and realized that he had broken free during the night and was probably cold .. poor chub chub ! :( So I took him into bed with me. I fed him when he started making noises again at 5 AM and then again at 7 AM. I think I may have fed him again at 9 AM (the mornings are a blur but I know I felt like I was feeling him ALL the time today). My mom watched him while we went to Country Inn with my sister (yum) and then he ate again at 1:30 PM, then 4 PM, again at 7:30 PM .. arg, I really messed up his schedule today. I also don't think I had enough milk and he was hungry for most of the day (one of the downsides to breastfeeding). At 7:45 PM after tummy time, we fed him a large bottle (5 oz or so) and he went to sleep. Here's hoping he stays asleep until at least 2 AM ! It's Chris's turn tonight and hopefully it'll be a good night since he didn't sleep much during the day.

In other news, my mom is getting over her cold and sounds much better today .. it's nice that she can hold Dexter again without us getting worried as well. My sister and mom did some light shopping today and came back with two really cute Hanna Andersson outfits for Dexter. We thought about seeing Les Miserables but my sister is headed to SF tonight so we'll do it some other night. Instead, I went to .. the gym. Oh yes, you read that right. I don't know what came over me. As soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted it ! But I went through with it and even ran nonstop for 25 minutes and felt great. I thought about running for longer but didn't want to overdo it. I also lifted weights under Chris's instruction. A shower later, I felt great.

I have been thinking lately how Dexter will be six months soon. He is getting so long lately. Don't grow up too fast, my little boy !

Friday, January 4, 2013

We took Dexter to get his third RSV shot first thing in the morning. While we were waiting, a lady brought her kid in who was obviously very sick and we're like edging away from her. She just kept standing there .. hello .. do you not see where it says "well child" ? Your child is obviously not well so you need to go stand somewhere else ! We also saw this mom and this kid .. they were Chinese and as soon as the kid crossed the threshold into the office, he took one look and immediately burst into tears and he kept saying, "Mama, women hui jia hao bu hao" (Mom, how about we go home) and "Mama, bu yao !" (Mom, I don't want [this]), etc. It was funny but also sad. At some point, the kid broke free and ran into the parking lot. When we left, the kid was still crying in the parking lot. One day Dexter may be like that. He already looks like this when we drive to the RSV place. He's like, I think I know where we're going !

We didn't see the doctor today and for the first time the nurse administered the shot. Maybe it was for the best. After all, Chris did wish him a Merry Christmas. HAHA.

My sister was willing to watch chub chub and so I went into work to get some work done (deadlines ahh) and also to have lunch with my coworkers. I have great coworkers, have I mentioned that ? And I really like where I work even though I love spending my days with Dexter. We had a nice lunch at a Japanese restaurant.

I got so much work done today and I like feeling productive because not only does it keep the panic at bay but also makes me feel useful. My boss left early today and so did my two coworkers so after lunch I found myself alone in our area and after getting what I wanted done for the day, I headed to Toys R Us.

The Nap Nanny was recalled officially so I went and returned our nap nanny and got current price for it in merchandise credit .. not bad. I wanted to buy some large size swaddlers but they didn't have it in stock but I did pick up a Summers seat/play thing. I was originally going to get a Bumbo but this Summers one had better and more reviews on Amazon. I also got some rings and keys for Dexter to play with and a Dr. Brows watermelon teether (total impulse buy since it was cute).

We did more tummy time today and he is doing great ! Oh, and I wore Uggs for the first time. Random, I know.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Today, Chris told me that he almost ran into a Christmas tree on his way to work. Apparently it had been wet while he was going into the office and there was a Christmas tree lying in the middle of the freeway. I'm glad he didn't hit it ! My coworker ran over an orange construction cone that was lying o the freeway and it caused major damage to his car - it was in the shop for a few days.

I also awoke to Chris saying that Mr. chub chub was really cute this morning. He drank and then he was pretty awake. I started to play with him but the he started fussing and since I was still tired, I put him into my armpit and he started dozing off again. I tried to sleep but I couldn't and so I was lying there with my eyes closed. About a half hour later, Dexter started laughing hysterically. I opened my eyes .. and he was still sound asleep ! It must have been a funny dream or something because he laughed for about 30 seconds and then was quiet again, lol.

Tonight my longtime good friend SR came over. He brought Chipotle ! We caught up and it was very nice. I am lucky to have such good friends.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

This morning, Dexter was being so cute. I was tired and so I was trying to convince him to sleep. I laid next to him with my glasses off (remember last time I did this .. projectile vomit up my nose) and he turned his big ole moonface towards me and smiled. I smiled and he started moving closer and I rubbed my nose against his. Then he took my top lip into his mouth and started sucking lightly.

I was surprised. It didn't feel unpleasant (until he dropped a big gob of saliva into my mouth) and I was thinking it probably wasn't very hygenic. Then he started to suck .. HARD. It hurt so badly ! I was shocked and yelled once and pulled my face away, and at first he was startled, but then he started to laugh.

It was tender to the touch and very painful but I forgot about it soon thereafter and went about my day. My sister and I went out. At night, when I was about to step into the shower, I looked into the mirror .. and the entire middle part of my top lip was black ! I was like, what the .. and then I remembered the earlier events. He gave me a lip hicky ! And no one had pointed it out all day. :(

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

While 2012 was very memorable for us and had some good moments (finding out we conceived, were expecting identical twins, meeting Dexter and Max, etc.), it had many, many sad moments and we hope that this year will be kinder.

Contrary to what Chris thought, I did not drink and pass out before midnight (again). Yes, Chris had his New Years shrimp (anyone else have this weird tradition ?). My mom was still sick but all four of us drank some champagne and my sister, Chris and I were watching Downton Abbey until about fifteen minutes before the ball dropped, switched over, said YAY and then went to bed.

Dexter is focusing more on our reactions now we've noticed lately. He also wants us to play with him more and when we laugh, he'll start laughing (especially Chris's evil laugh). He's also holding onto things more. This year will be a big year for Dexter developmentally !

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About Me

After trying to conceive for 18 months, we were ecstatic to find out we were expecting identical twins ! We hoped for an uneventful pregnancy but much like conception, the pregnancy did not go as planned. We conquered obstacle after obstacle and was told at 20 weeks that we would lose one or both of our twins. But they held on ! At exactly 28 weeks, I was rushed to an emergency C-section and we welcomed Dexter weighing 930 grams (2 lb 1 oz) and Max weighing 770 grams (1 lb 10 oz) into our family. However, that was not the end of our heartache. Max had a brain bleed and other complications; after 42 agonizing (but blissful because we had him in our lives) days and two surgeries, Max passed away in my arms on August 21st at 3:37 PM. We miss our sweet Max every day. He always struggled to open his eyes to see us when visited every day and always had a gentle smile for us even though he was in pain. He fought for us until the end and we are thankful that we got to meet him.
After 12 weeks in the NICU, Dexter came home on my due date weighing 6 lbs 5 oz. Today, he is a healthy, happy baby who is the joy in our lives every day.