Friday, September 17, 2010

Today, I am incredibly justified to announce my candidacy for Mayor of the great city of Chicago. You may ask yourselves in the coming months, what makes me better for the job than, say, John Cusack? What exactly am I promising to continue promising to you? Allow me to answer that question for you.

If I am elected mayor of Chicago, I promise that this city will

it all.

My policies will ensure that all Chicagoans, regardless of race, class or local chapter, will have equal access to city services.

Under my watch, the public school system will become the next-ranked district in the state. We will hire only the most unionized teachers and administrators, and make certain that students are provided with all the permitsthey need to achieve their potential.

No more will our children have to fear going to school, as I will personally work with the Chicago Police Department and its new Superintendent, Anthony Abbate, to crack down on the violent crime problem in this city. I pledge that for every outdoor crime that occurs within city limits, I will personally appoint a new advisor to recommend solutions.

I will also begin to address the rampant corruption in the city. This problem has been with us for far too many news articles. The only people who will benefit from my administration will be donors. I've already gotten assurances from the Chicago Young Republicans and Ben Joravsky that they will be on their best behavior.

Under my administration, the "City of Big Shoulders" will come to be known as the City of Calm -- as well as the home of the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Yes, I don't believe in failure, I only believe in guns.

In short, if you do me the honor of voting for me, I will work at least half ofevery day to earn your trust and respect.