Derisive diatribes about the state of the nation, nation states and swerving leftward

10 February 2005

Bush's innovative plans

The Bush Administration has unfairly taken a lot of flak for its ardent attempts to fix the budget. In a secret Swerve Left interview arranged through confidential sources (if I told you their names, I'd have to torture you), Bush laid out some of his plans to add a few dollars to the national treasury:

Swerve Left: Didn't the administration misunderestimate the extent of the U.S. fiscal crisis when it submitted it's recent budget? After all, the budget completely ignores cost from the war in Iraq while putting forth, uhmmm, highly creative figures predicting future economic trends.

King Bush, who like the Sun benevolently bestows his light of wisdom on all before him (shining even extra-brightly towards the well-heeled and well connected): It's enough that I allow this interview with one of my obscure less-heeled subjects from the internets; you don't have to ask questions too. But out of conservative compassion and as an expression of my folksy at-one-ness with you prolz, I will stoop to answer your queschun.

The administration is putting forth a number of cost-cutting measures. As just one example, in the future the U.S. will no longer be granting a golden parachute to all would-be tyrants on the administration's pay-roll. As the Chalabi debacle shows, we will be asking tyrants-for-hire to demonstrate the same accountability as our skool-teachers: Either put out or get out. Government bureaucrats will expect a steady tally of tortured enemy teenagers and gutted state treasuries. Instead of spending extra millions out of some sense of blind loyalty, the U.S. government will thereby be introducing competition into the tryant market.

Likewise, the administration will begin downsizing. Instead of having a highly-paid presidential spokesman and money tossed at random educational institutions, we will begin to subcontract these jobs with people in the private sector. This makes perfect economic sense: Why pay millions to think-tank yes-men and other semi-governmental institutions in order to sway the media and public opinion when we can simply hire reporters directly. This is capitalist democracy in action. Everyone is free to read what they want as long as it's written and vetted by us.

Down the road, we forsee even more ways to squeeze the chubby body politic. In a rational democracy, there's really no need for people to vote when statistics clearly show that everyone loves their great leader. That's why we've hired Diebold to create a new voting machine that will produce statistically accurate predictions of election turn-out through an analysis of the Fox News audience. This innovation is sure to save millions a day in unnecessary campaign costs, without anyone needing to put their hotdog down or turn off their TV.