Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Doofuses to the rescue!

High above Coruscant, on board his flag ship, the Invisible Touch, Count Dooku paces his private quarters and ponders his fate.

Never, in the oily darkness that has surrounded me, have I faltered. Never had I lost my footing in the shadows. Nothing has swayed me since I was swallowed into the madness of the Dark Side.

I have stood tall, commanding armies, training assassins, proudly fighting to balance the light and the dark.

Battling against the endless torrent of the foul Light Side, as it sought to extinguish the night.

I simply could not let this be.

So, as a man of principal and endless greed, I formed a lucrative competition. The Brownie Moguls would not own this galaxy.There is no tool more powerful to wield in the Dark Side than Capitalism.

I could have been more... persuasive, as there are multiple compounds, that, when mixed with cigar tobacco, could kill with little trace. It would do you well to remember that, my good Jawa.

In the ancient prophecies, there is to be a balance of light and darkness, good and evil, salty and sweet. The scales have been tipped by my former master.

My Master He is darkness, like the dusk that stealthily follows day, benignly trailing. He is the blackest pitch wrapped in a lie. His pawns wear the armour of knights, but all are expendable.

I suppose it is my lot in this tiresome life to be betrayed at every turn. First, I was ignored by the Jedi, as they denied the rights of races that didn't follow their doctrines, and then there was that time I spent as a Sleestak. Incarceration and that horrid game of Survivor. It is though I were a prolific actor, and the show must go on.

But, again, I felt the pain of betrayal. Or perhaps it was the swirling madness dredging up past indiscretions. This was unforgivable. My vast empire usurped, ripped away from my nurturing hands.

Palpatine had gone far too far, my good people.

McDooku's and Little Dooku Snacks brought in a corporate take-over.

I was, at least, compensated this time.

I suppose that he had found me in a moment of weakness, my vintage Fender Stratocaster in my hands, and brownies on my breath. He manipulated me, as he always had, toying with my fragile sanity, unraveling the frayed tendrils of my mind.

His darkness went far beyond anything I could tap into.

I do look better in black than he ever could, mind you (barring the white spats, as the darkest ensemble requires the utmost class).

As I sit here, with my meager prize in hand, staring into its polished surface, I wonder if it was all worth it. The years of Darkness Correspondence Training (with a minor certificate in TV/VCR repair), brownie flashbacks, and botched magic spells were truly worth the despair and madness that snuffed out the light within. If in my palm was the key to enlightenment, the great leveler, the one ring to rule them all... Wait... What? Never-mind, old chap. Was the trade fair?

Well, it is the most spiffing Yo-Yo this galaxy has ever seen.

"Look! I can make it walk the dog!"

But now it seems like my past has finally caught up with me. It seems those Jedi fools are actually attempting to attack me in a pitiful ploy to grab chancellor Palpatine. I wonder who those high and mighty Jedi chose to dare take me on? I wonder if I’ll have time for a spot of tea before they come on board?

Outside, a war is waged. Clones of the republic battle the droid army of the separatists in ships that resemble x-wing and tie-fighters. No…we ain’t makin’ this crap up.

Two ships among the thousands weave their way through impossible battles, desperate to find their final destination before it is two late.

Obi Wan: Now…now hold on there, Anakin. Don’t yall get too far ahead of me again. We need to work together as a team. Don’t be all fancy like with your flying.

Anakin: Hey, don’t be getting all up in my grill, master. I knows whats ta be done. I was just taking care of the last of these here buzz-kill droids for ya.

Obi Wan: Oh…well…thank you Anakin. I didn’t see them.

Anakin: Didn’t see them? They was all mackin’ on your right wing. If I didn’t scrape them off just now you would be one dead mo***r f*****g Jedi right now.

Obi Wan: Anakin, a Jedi does not use such language.

Anakin: Yeah…whatevs! Damn, I wish I didn’t have that third chili dog before we left on our mission. Ya think the Invisible Touch has a bathroom on board?

Obi Wan: Anakin, keep your mind on the mission. We have to stop Dooku.

Anakin: Yeah, yeah. I know. But I’m cramping bad, dog.

Obi-Wan: Just lead us to the docking bay…where ever that may be.

Anakin: What do you mean? It’s right there!!

Obi-Wan: Right….where?

Anakin: What? Right in front of you. Are ya blind or somthin’?

Obi Wan: What? No…um where? I…uh….smack smack…wait a second…I think I have a small malfunction over here.

Anakin: Malfunction?What kinda’ mal….wait a second! Master did you open up some Cheetoes while fighting in zero gravity?