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Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the only show that gets a participation award just for showing up!

We last left out favorite Liars at Detective Wilden’s funeral where their attendance was both pointless and fabulous. We join the Liars a few days later at The Life Cafe. Hanna’s hair has magically grown long and no one knows where her mother is. Nothing like a missing mother to freak out a gaggle of girls.

IT’S CALLED A-CAMP, EMILY, AND I THINK IT COULD BE REALLY FUN FOR YOU. THAT’S WHY WE ALL PITCHED IN TO BUY YOU THIS PLANE TICKET!

No, but seriously, we have to talk about Hanna’s hair. I can not move on until we do. This is how it looked at the begining of the last episode:
And this is how it looked at the end of that episode:
And this is how it looked at the beginning of this episode:

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE.

Why on earth should Hanna have grown her hair out so fast? Do we think this is the patriarchy responding to everyone calling her a lesbian for her Obvious Lesbian Tendencies. Is Hanna one of those magical hair growing Barbies from the 90s? Do you guys remember those? I had one until I cut all her hair off just like I did with my other Barbies. Probably my parents should have seen this dyke thing coming.

THIS MOZZARELLA STICK IS THE SYMBOL OF THE PATRIARCHY. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FOR US?! THE PATRIARCHY?

Regardless, Spencer has taken up food sculpture in order to recreate the architecture of the lodge the night of the fire. No, seriously. I couldn’t make this shit up.

AND I’M RECREATING THE GEOGRAPHY OF THIS COFFEE SHOP TO SEE IF I COULD JUMP OUT THE WINDOW AND LAND INSIDE A HOT GIRLS VAGINA.

The Liars debate whether or not Alison is back from the grave and who really has ownership of the mozzarella sticks. Again, I couldn’t make this shit up.

GIVE ME THE CHEESE OR THE DYKE GETS IT.

Mona drops by and is wicked pissed that she’s still not invited to join the Baby-Sitters Club. Not even as a junior member! She decides to take them to the RV again and let them look through the whole thing on their own. Yes, even her collection of vintage erotica magazines from the 70s.

THE FIRST STEP IN POSING FOR THAT 1970S EROTICA IS MAKING THIS FACE.

The Liars roll up to where Mona parked her RV and, surprise surprise, it’s gone. Looks like TobAy went through with his game plan from last episode and stole the RV for Red Coat (or whoever) in order to get the dirt on his mother. What a fucking dickface.

WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY HITACHI MAGIC WAND?!?

The Liars are unimpressed with the situation and try to bail. When Mona begrudgingly gets in her car, she is suddenly strangled by Alison Mask! You’d think after all these years of fucking with the Liars in their cars Mona would have learned to check the back seat before getting in. Come on, silly!

HOW DID I LEAVE THAT FAST FOOD BAG IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY CAR FOR A WHOLE WEEK. I SO NEED TO GET THIS THING DETAILED.

Also the stills from Mona’s choke out scene make me really uncomfortable because Janell Parrish looks more like she’s moaning than choking. Ugh, Hollywood.

AMERICA? AMERICA.

I wasn’t sure if that was okay for me to point out, so I emailed the team about it. They said it was ok.

Mona tries to escape from the Alison Mask, causing Aria and Emily to run over to scope the commotion. Mona flys out of the car onto the ground and, as Aria and Emily help her up, Alison Mask whirls the car around and tries to run them the fuck over. What the hell is up with A running people over with cars? That’s not just a thing you can do!

DILDO ON A FLYING TRAPEZE COMING TOWARDS EMILY’S MOUTH.

Mona, Aria and Emily hop out of the way and fall to the ground, but not before Emily hits her shoulder. Hard. There goes her theoretical swim scholarship to Stanford!

The next morning Hanna comes downstairs dressed head to toe in the color I just painted my bedroom! We’re kindred spirits meant to be together. This is real life.

THIS NEW MASTURBATION APP ISN’T VERY USER FRIENDLY… I MEAN, WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO STICK IT?

Great news though, Ashley is finally home! Ashley is evasive and awkward and probably really did kill Wilden. She’s not exactly obeying laws these days. I’m okay with that though, because I also sided with the six merry murderesses of Cook County Jail because there is something seriously wrong with me. Or maybe Ashley is just back to nailing Hanna’s father. I could do that again. That was a nice trope while it lasted!

DON’T BE RIDICULOUS HANNA. EVERYONE KNOWS THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP IS FOLGERS IN YOUR CUP. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE THIS DISCUSSION AGAIN.

Hanna tries to come to her mother’s boosom and get her mom to open up. Wilden is dead! How should she feel? What should they do? Are they safe? Is she a suspect? Ashley has only the kindest and most loving motherly advice:

THE TITLE OF CHAPTER 6 OF MY SECOND MEMOIR ENTITLED “POST-IT NOTES FROM MY MOTHER”

Oh and Hanna gives her mom back her cell phone. No one is honest about what happened to it.

NOW NO MORE TALK OF THIS NESPRESSO, OKAY?

Over at the Hastings, Spencer gets a skinny envelope from UPenn. This is not going to be good.

THE SKINNY ENVELOPE HAUNTS MY DREAMS.

She gets rejected.

THIS IS SO TRAGIC I CAN’T EVEN MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT. NO MORE JOKES!

I feel her. I got rejected from my top 7 undergrad college choices all in the same night. It was heartbreaking. But then I loved Brandeis and I’m sure Spencer will love Hollis when she (and the rest of the Liars) all inevitably end up there. Still, when you’re 18 and you think you’re only worth what you can perform academically, being rejected from your dream school feels like being told straight to your face that you’re a dumb piece of shit who will never amount to anything or ever get into med school.

Also, how do we know A isn’t just tricking Spencer by stealing her acceptance letter and mailing her a fake rejection letter! That’s totally right up A’s alley! A is such an ass.

OH MY GOD LIZZ YOU’RE RIGHT! YOU’RE SO INSIGHTFUL AND PERFECT. LET’S GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW BUT FIRST LETS PICK UP SOME OF THAT VEGETARIAN BREAKFAST SAUSAGE YOU LIKE SO MUCH.

Elsewhere, Aria and Hanna dish over the whole Emily’s injury and Ashley’s cell phone situation thingy. The punchline here is that Emily is hurt real bad, Ashley is hiding something and everyone still hates Mona.

…’S VAGINA?

The girls wonder who stole the RV and when Hanna wonders aloud if it was Shana, it turns out she’s right behind her! It’s so convenient that there are only three streets in this town.

WHO NEEDS WIFI WHEN YOU CAN STUDY THESE NEW FANGLED THINGS CALLED “BOOKS?”

Hanna does that thing where she marches right up to the A Suspect Of The Week and asks her point blank what the fuck is going on. It’s my favorite thing.

SHE’S LESS OF A GAL PAL AND MORE OF A FINGER BLINGER

Hanna’s all like, “Listen bitch I know you knew Wilden and that you and Jenna are lady BFFs who dragged his ass out of the road. How the fuck do you like me now?!” It was good.

OH YOU LIKE THIS LIPGLOSS? WELL FUCK YOU I’M NOT TELLING YOU WHERE IT’S FROM.

At school Paige has a fresh new plaid shirt and a computer to boot! She should be interning for this website I know of called Autostraddle.com.

THIS ARTICLE IS TITLED “LISTING WITHOUT COMMENTARY: IMAGES THAT SHOW UP WHEN YOU GOOGLE ‘DYKES DOING IT.'”

She’s using what I am 99.99% sure is Sims 3 to virtually make a Stanford dorm room for her and Emily!

THE SIMS THEMSELVES ARE IN THE SECRET SEX ROOM SHE MADE IN A DIFFERENT PART OF THE HOUSE.

One time I came home and my two friends who are dating had spent the whole day playing Sims and making themselves and their dream home. I didn’t judge them until I saw that they’d made their last name “Lurv.” As in “love” said like you’re a fucking idiot. They were fantasy U-Hauling, which is almost as bad as actually U-Hauling. Almost. What I’m trying to say is that I am judging the shit out of Paige right now.

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT GREY GARDENS WAS MADE INTO A BROADWAY MUSICAL AND I’M HAVING TROUBLE MOVING PAST THAT.

Emily identifies Paige as a crazy U-Hauler, but also doesn’t really care. I feel like Pretty Little Liars hired actual lesbians to consult on the writing of this scene. Like, someone on the inside deserves a high five.

YOU HAVE TO TEASE THE CLIT OUT SLOWLY.

Like I said, Paige is in fantasy U-Haul Land and Emily hasn’t even talked to the swim coach yet. Still, besides the obvious plot hole that you can’t paint a dorm room, it’s cute and adorable. I love my teenage TV lezzies.

AMERICA? AMERICA!

Paige: Be honest, what would you change?Emily: Well I would push the beds closer together so we can scissor and not be a married couple from Nick at Night.

Paige reaches over to sly grab Emily’s boob and touches her shoulder. Emily writhes in pain because the electricity is just too hot between them. You know, and because she hurt the shit out of it and now she will never be a teen model or get into med school.

THE PATRIARCHY! IT JUST HURTS SO MUCH!

Paige is concerned about this.

IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY TOBY IS STILL ON THIS SHOW.

Back at the Hastings’ Spencer is still sort of losing her shit. She throws on her favorite horse sweater. Maybe a little sexy schoolgirl librarian chic will help her to feel better. Maybe it’s this baseline level of freaked out that allows her to finally recognize that TobAy is acting like a fucking sketchball again. He’s a bad dude!

SAY MY NAME SAY MY NAME. IF NO ONE IS AROUND YOU SAY BABY I LOVE YOU IF YOU AIN’T RUNNING GAMES.

Anyways hopefully TobAy and his stupid caveman face is gone for good.

IF THEY EVER MAKE MASKS OF THIS FACE I’M OUT. I’M FUCKING OUT.

In school, Spencer, Aria, Emily and Hanna watch as Mona panics and Ezra does that thing where he only teaches the very end of a class. Class ends and everyone but Spencer heads out to lunch. Even Mona, who acts like she was invited. It was a good moment.

PRICELESS.

Ezra asks Spencer if everything is okay and though at first she says yes, she admits to him a minute later that she didn’t get in to UPenn.

I’VE NEVER BEEN QUITE CLEAR ON EXACTLY HOW MANY COLLEGE WERE IN THE US. IS IT FIVE? SEEMS LIKE FIVE.

I sort of loved it because we get to see Ezra’s attempts at being a person/teacher. He’s pretty okay at it! I appreciate that he seems to get that students like Spencer don’t need someone to tell them they were being unrealistic or that they should have thought ahead. They don’t even need someone to completely just pity them. Ezra tells Spencer they’ll work on her essay over the weekend. It’s really sort of sweet.

RE: PANTENE NOW THAT SPENCER HAS DECIDED TO APPLY TO OTHER COLLEGES

We also get to see vulnerable Spencer crying over something other than boys. I wish Taylor Swift would write a song about this. You know, if she wrote music about women’s intellect.

UPENN WAS ROMEO/ I HAD RECOMMENDATION LETTERS/ AND MY DADDY SAID STAY AWAY FROM JULIARD/ UPENN WAS EVERYTHING TO ME/ I WAS REALLY WANTING TO GOOOOO

In Cell Phone Land, Hanna and Emily chat about Emily’s shoulder and Paige. FYI the shoulder is still bad and Paige still doesn’t know anything. I get that the Liars aren’t sitting in my living room watching this show and thus they need to be caught up, but I wish they would do it off camera because all of the self-recapping is getting a bit repetitive.

SHE’S RECAPPING US RECAPPING! IT’S JUST SO META!

While on the phone Emily and Hanna each make a discovery. Hanna finds her mother’s fancy pants high heels under the sink covered in mud.

THE BIGGEST TRAGEDY OF THIS SHOW. BE STILL MY FEMME HEART.

Emily finds some painkillers in the bathroom. Ughhh. This is not going to end welllll. Didn’t we already do the Emily gets busted for drugs plot? Didn’t that already happen?

VIAGRA.

Starsweep to the Rosewood dojo where Aria is hunting down Holden. Remember him? Aria’s fake boyfriend who we thought was gay but then he was just into street fighting or something? Aria’s looking to take some self-defense classes, and fast. Smart cookie. Holden’s not in, but some other guy who teaches classe is. In my professional lesbian opinion, he’s tall, conventionally all-American good looking and age inappropriate. He’s perfect for Aria. Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to have a name.

IS THAT A NUNCHUCK IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

Back in Hanna’s dreamland of candy and flowers, Ashley’s home and being all domestic. Hanna’s trying to write a book report, because she’s in 5th grade, but still takes the time to ask Ashley what the fuck is going on with her muddy high heels. Ashley’s still not speaking.

THE TITLE OF CHAPTER 10 OF MY MEMOIR ENTITLED “POST-IT NOTES FROM MY MOTHER”

The next day Hanna gets sucked into Stepford Wife Jessica’s Haunted House Of Gardening Doom. How is it that there is endless work to be done on this house? All Jason ever did was work on the house, too. You’d think it would be completely perfect by now. I mean, it’s not like it was abandoned. Also, and maybe this should have occurred to me last week, where the hell is Alison’s dad? I’m fairly certain her parents weren’t divorced last time I checked.

WHAT’S INSIDE THE HOUSE? OH JUST A BUNCH OF PLOT HOLES.

Hanna hears Ali off in the distance.

THE PRETTY LITTLE HUNGER GAMES STARING HANNISS MARDEEN

Hanna asks what that noise was and Jessica rolls her eyes. She takes Hanna to the porch and introduces her to Robot Alison! Yes, a fully functional cyborg-Alison, which has been stalking the Liars for months, praying on their deepest fears and most ashamed secrets. Just kidding, it’s a parrot that Alison spent a lot of time with. But probably a bird that will reveal at least one of Ali’s secrets.

I WISH I LIVED IN ROSEWOOD SO I COULD INSTAGRAM THIS PICTURE, THROW A SEPIA FILTER AND HASTAG THE SHIT OUT OF IT. #JAIL #THEBIRDS #AREYOUINORAMIOUT #SIDEBRAID

Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

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42 Comments

Since I want Lizz to actually be able to sleep tonight and it doesn’t seem it will happen until she’s figured out the mystery of Hanna’s hair.

Ashley Benson was a brunette during the first episode (and the S3 promo shots I think) so much of the first episode she was in a blond wig (hence the weirdo headband what the hell is on her hair look in the scene with Mona in the hall), perhaps by the time they filmed episode 2 she was back to blond and thus her original hairstyle.

haha yes true and also in my own head i decided that she got extensions — which usually are a hollywood-only thing that characters on tv shows pretend don’t exist but remember that one episode where hanna was trying to get caleb to open up about something and she was like “ok fine i’ll just ask what your thoughts on hair extensions are, like are synthetic ones better because of the low price and convenience or can is there no substitute for the feel of real human hair?” and he is like “omg FINE i will tell you, don’t bore me to death”?
(i have no idea why i remember that and in fact i’m pretty embarrassed about it)
alternatively, yes, botp.

I, too, had a moment of oh-my-god-why-parrot-can’t-die because I am the kind of person to get emotionally attached to a really creepy bird over the course of one episode. I’m glad to know I wasn’t alone in my panic. (Also, parrots will definitely eat chicken. You shouldn’t feed it to them too often, but they’re perfectly happy to nom on their cousins. Which is yet another reason parrots are terrifying and will kill us all.)

“I feel like Pretty Little Liars hired actual lesbians to consult on the writing of this scene. Like, someone on the inside deserves a high five.” You’re aware that Marlene King the showrunner is a lesbian aren’t you Lizz? I think she’s a big reason this show is so freaking awesome and so full of lesbian and queer women. I love her. She’s like the anti Ryan Murphy and I don’t just mean the lesbian part but also that she listens to fans instead of trolling them and is a really cool person instead of a walking talking asshole in a stupid hat like he is.

Awesome recap yet again! Paily is so damn sweet! Why are they raising our expectations so high? I’m scared that they’re going to really hurt us at some point. *sobbing*

But yeah, so, so good! I’m still not over the fact that Glee got a Glaad nomination and PLL got ignored. If ever anything called for a giant WTF? this is it.

When I came out to my mum, ya know after she grew comfortable enough to make u-haul jokes, she told me that stripping Barbies and rubbing my thumb over their bare breasts was but one in a long line of pre-adolescent activity that made clear my homosexuelle tendencies (anyone else adopt the term same-sex tendencies from that heartbreaking clarification in 10 Things {almost typo-ed Thighs} I Hate About You that Kat was not indeed a ladystraddler?)

Also, I think it’s progress that Spencer seemed to confront Tobster about possibly being the Allison Mask that tried to run over her posse. Like she has seen past The Chin to acknowledge that he is probs in cahoots with Lil Red Riding Biotch.

Also Liz! your recaps brings all the feelings to the yard and dental-dam-right they are probs not stronger than yours

I used to make all my Barbies get married to a Ken and another Barbie simultaneously. Every single one of them had a husband AND a wife, and every Ken had a husband and wife too. Some of my Barbies also had all their hair chopped off and would borrow Ken shirts. I was so blatantly bisexual and I had nooo idea (well, until I was 14).

Did anyone happen to see the Buzzfeed article about what it feels like to keep up with PLL they posted this week? They nail it on the head, except for the reasons why I keep watching. Paily 4 eva! Forget those weird age inappropriate dudes.

I thought I was done with PLL about 4 episodes from the end of season 3, but my roommate decided to start watching the show. So, instead of keeping my resolve to only read Lizz’s recaps, I may or may not have watched the entire series with my roommate.

And we’ve all seen Lindsey Shaw rock the hell out of a suit* so excuse me, where is the “Significant Others in Suits” photo. Why is Jason there for no apparent reason** except to say, f u lesbo audience?

*I’m not saying all girlfriends should dress up in suits like boyfriends, just that Paige has rocked the suit twice on the show already and looked hot and thus, should look hot again in promo photos

**I actually do think the guy that plays Jason is good looking (in a Ken doll kind of way) so I’m not hating on the guy, just the where the eff is Emily’s love interest in these promo shots??

I really dislike Toby’s character, mainly because it frustrates me that spencer never asked him any of the important questions, like “hey toby, before I jump back into the sack with you quick question, did you lock me in my sauna and try to kill me?”. It really bothers me, like really, you’ve spent all this time being attacked and stalked but you’re not going to ask any questions once you get the chance? cool ok.

That being said, I actually felt a little moved by his man tears this episode. Like for reals, no kid deserves to feel like their mom didn’t even care enough to say goodbye.

I’m sure he’ll do something in the next episode that will make me hate him again.

Toby’s crying was the only display of emotion in the entire series, and it was moving. It’d be smart of the writers to tie that into his motivations in being A instead of the bullshit “I did it to protect Spencer” excuse.

Agreed, I wasn’t even that mad about the RV thing because if it was my mom I’d probably do the same thing. At least that excuse seems genuine and real, instead of a white knight/I had no choice/I did it because it was best for you, excuse.

I was under the impression that Spencer’s dramatic application essay was for other prospective schools, not UPenn, since Ezra said that she should apply to other schools immediately and they’d edit her essay on the weekend.

Also, I am not okay with Aria and Sensei Jake. Can she not have a storyline/life that ISN’T revolved around an inappropriately-aged guy??? Uuugggghhhhh

Thank you for the comment on Aria and Sensei Jake! Can she date a guy that isn’t in some way an authority figure? Also, can we go a couple of episodes without any of the girls worrying about their romantic relationships?

Wait am I the only one who assumed A switched the painkillers with different pills? I mean I know A already did that — wait, or maybe not? Did I imagine it? But anyway I assumed that’s was what happened.

Oh well, either way I’m annoyed because this’ll probs turn into a drug addiction side plot that serves only to further distract from our finding out who the eff A is.

No that drug addictions are not actual problems, of course! I just think PLL wouldn’t deal with it purposefully.

I’m guessing CeCe is on the A team and never turned in Spencer’s application and then A drew up the fake rejection letter. Watch, Spencer’s dad is going to find out she didn’t get accepted and be all ‘omg that is totes unacceptable’ and go to protest the decision and it will be this dramatic moment when they inform Spencer/her dad that they never received the application.