Friday, May 18, 2012

While G$ is off shafting himself over the (most likely) Heat loss, I'll be filling in and delivering yet another ELITE post about awesome shit. After being reminded the other day of being forced to reschedule a fantasy football draft because of homo softball men's leagues, I started thinking. It's been quite some time since we've talked fantasy football here. And since I'm as degenerate as they come when wagering hard earned money on the performance of football players....

We all know Matthew Berry is a total cock sucker. He pretends to be this all knowing Buddha but usually ends up fucking over countless people with his terrible predictions and misplaced love for shitheads like BenJarvis Green-Ellis. But despite Berry's complete faggotry, he actually serves a purpose...well, two purposes. I get to point and laugh as Tim Hasselsnatch makes Berry look like a fucking idiot. And Since Berry hasn't seen the inside of a pussy in about 20 years, I get waaaaaaay too early fantasy football rankings. Which I love. So let's review some of Berry's more interesting thoughts today. Check that...these are actually Christopher Harris' rankings. I take nothing back about Berry. He's still a clam and I'm sure gave his turdy input with these rankings. Onward.

-Of course Arian Foster would have to be ranked first overall. After my bold prediction went off like a Works Bomb inside my tender colon last year, Foster continues to be one of those players that revenge fucks me on the fantasy gridiron. As long as he stays healthy I guess I can't argue with this...although I prefer to take a QB with my first pick

-You know what?! Fuck it...I will argue with it. Quarterbacks get ranked way too low on these sheets and on draft day. The ELITE quarterbacks score more fantasy points than the ELITE running backs do. In one of the standard scoring leagues (that didn't utilize bonus points) I was in last year, the top 10 at the end of the year were all QBs. I would take Rodgers, Brees, Brady and Stafford before even thinking about RB.

-Gaaah. MJD in the top 10? I know he had a fuckin monster of a season, but the guy is turning the dreaded 30 this year. Not to mention if he were a female porn star and NFL carries equaled penises fucked, his pussy would be a hollowed out cavern 6 inches in diameter. What I'm saying is that I wouldn't wager my fantasy season on his abused ham wallet.

-I know Drew's gonna kill me for this, and I know Megatron was a beast last year and I know that despite his chubby dude beefers Matt Stafford seems to be turning into an ELITE quarterback...but I cannot talk myself into drafting a WR first round. No fucking way. It's just too risky.

-Adrian Peterson is currently ranked at 57. Call me crazy, but I think AP will be ready to go sooner than the "experts" do. I know it was an ACL tear, but Welker had the same injuries a couple years ago and tore his later in the season if my memory isn't betraying me. So if Welker can come back in 6 months, so can AP.

-Ryan Mathews in the top 20, eh? The guy in your league who drafts Mathews will not make the playoffs. I will not bet a MoneyShot rib dinner on that.

-There is an interesting situation abreast in Chicago. Forte is currently in the top 20 but if he holds out (AS HE FUCKING SHOULD!) would I be crazy to suggest Michael Bush take his place at 17? I don't know...is it crazy to fart on your own hand and then smell it to see if what you roasted transfers to your bare skin? Think about that...

-All Dallas running backs can fuck themselves with a tire iron. DeMarco Murray in the top 20 makes me hoarse with laughter. I think Jerruh Jones puts estrogen in all of the Gatorade bottles. Wasn't Julius Jones the last Dallas RB who played a full season? Then he killed himself, right? What's that? Still alive?? Well...that sure is disappointing.

-It's amazing what the fetus head of Peyton Manning can accomplish. It was able to get Demaryius Thomas in the top 40. That's almost as hilarious as a Mike Shanahan RB ranked in the top 40 (Helu at 34). Have you people learned NOTHING?!?!

-This list came out before the draft and Trent Richardson is the only rookie on it. This tells me two things. First, he's going to be a long dicked stud fucking everything in his path. And two, even with no team at the time he was still ranked higher than the only Cleveland Brown on this list (Hardesty at 95). That should tell you about how sweet of a season Browns fans have to look forward to...as I crush my balls in the refrigerator door thinking about it.

-The Ben raped his way into the top 100. Nothing real important to note. Just wanted to bring up the fact The Ben got away with rape and that his face is fatter than both of Paul Pierce's lard tits smushed together in the most disgusting way imaginable.

That's 11 *recounts them quickly* talking points for you dingleberries today. I tried hitting everyone's favorite team and purposely left out the Eagles since none of us know if Mr. Ace is still alive or not. I'm gonna say that we probably don't really care a whole lot either. I think we would all search for that box of mac and cheese we swear is in the pantry longer than we would for Mr. Ace if word broke he was missing. Just kidding buddy...kind of.

Agree 100% with Ide. If I've got a pick like #11 and then the snake pick on the way back up - I'm definately taking Calvin Johnson with one of those picks.

Iceman - what do you think of "Trading down"Like if you have the #5 pick and you swap first round picks with someone who has the #9 pick in order to swap picks with them in a later round (taking their snake pick in the 3rd for example).

*Stafford's got a fat face, but he is most definitely not fat. I shared a link with you fucks as proof last Fall.

*I can't say how much I LOVE seeing Stafford's name put next to the ones that Iceman listed. It gives me boners knowing that the Lions have an ELITE young franchise QB. Big boners.

*I think Megatron is too much of a freak to be bothered by some silly Madden curse.

Grumpy...is it a vegan rib joint?

Ide...your LeBron comment is a good example of how LeBron haters need to pick their spots. Last night was all D-Wade awfulness....even though he's too old for competitive sports, the Heat could have thrown G$ out there and he coudl have done what Wade did.

How about the L.A. Kings? Just flat out destroying the competition as an 8 seed...wild.

The Heat have an 82% chance of losing now. I'm not popping champagne with Mercury Morris yet, but those are some pretty ELITE odds. Also, as I said, the Spurs are TOTES going to sweep.

Listening to Hill and Schlereth on the drive back last night. Couple of jive turkeys, they are.

RBs get valued over QBs so heavily by ESPN because they assume that everyone plays in leagues where passing TDs are worth 4 points. Those are stupid leagues.

Arian Foster and Kyrie should form a tag team that just follows you around and kicks you in the nuts every hour.

Never doubt MoJo. He's the perfect 9-10 pick because he is ridic consistent and actually has living receivers now and ZERO competition in the backfield. Unless you count Deji Karim. And if you do (like Ide does) then you shouldn't be playing fantasy football.

Call me crazy, but Drew Brees is starting to scare me. I don't think that I would take him in the first round this year.

Im a huge fan of trading for picks, MuDawg. But you have to be careful what round you get that additional pick in. Losing out on say....Tom Brady at #5 and being forced to get a guy like MJD at #9 really isn't worth it if the pick you traded for is in the 10th round. I would say tell them to fuck off with anything past a 7th round pick since I think that's really when the talent starts to thin.

I would say that's probably the exception of drafting a WR round 1. If you're sitting at 11 or 12. Then probably WR/RB with the 1st 2 picks and scoop a guy like ELIte Manning or Tony Romo in the 3rd or 4th. Even still, it always worries me. WR can be so hit or miss from week to week.

Jamall Charles isn't scoring this year unless he puts one in from 15 yards out. That fuckin pig Hillis is getting all the goalline carries.

I would not draft Bush at 17 even if Forte holds out. Let's say you do this and Forte comes back week 2, and is good by week 5. Your pick was now dumber than Dave Duerson's brain (all Bears references!)

As a FF coach that went balls deep for Brees and the Arian Race last year, I also am scared to draft Brees in the 1st. And yes, I had them both in my other league that I won. I'm still pissed about losing to Damman by tie breaker. Murder Panties shall rise again!!!

Right now, I think that Peterson is right where he should be as a 4th or FIF rounder. I know that I'm not drafting a RB on a bad team coming off of a blowed up knee last Christmas. Even if he is cleared, they aren't giving him 20+ touches this season. Ain't happ'nin.

Consider this. Forte holds out into the season (excellent possibility) and Bush comes in a starts killing it right away (also excellent possibility). In this scenario do you really think the Bears are going to budge from their contract offer? If they have a young RB who is playing really really well for a shit load less money, why would they finally break down week 3 and say "Okay, Matt. Here's your money we should have paid you a year ago."? Bush was their safety net in case this Forte contract really escalates into something ugly...which it probably will.

The only way Forte is playing for Chicago this year is if A) The Bears give him EXACTLY what he wants since at this point he's so pissed off even a dime under his request will be shit on by him and his agent or B) Bush plays so badly early on to the point where Chicago has no choice but to cave and give Forte the money he deserves.

Raise your hand if you think either one of those scenarios is happening this year. That's why drafting Bush in the 2nd to 3rd round isn't as crazy as you all may think if Forte sticks to his guns.

Forte deserves the big money more than any player in awhile. I'm usually the one bitching about these fucktards holding out but MF should get every penny he can. The dude was like half the Bears offense last year.

I would think long and hard (/dick joke) about selecting Megatron in the first round. I have long subscribed to the "no WR in the 1st round" philosophy but the guy is fucking crazy good. If anyone can reverse the Madden cover curse, it's him.

Thank you for not doing an NBA post today Iceman. I'm sure you went FB only because Bron Bron and Co. were curb stomped last night and you couldn't rail on the CLE fans. It's cool though. I'll take FB talk anyway I can get it.

It is not an "excellent possibility" that Michael Bush "kills it" because Bush sort of sucks and the Bears didn't draft Alshon and trade for B-Marsh to start running the counter-trey.

You should see the MASSIVE war of words going on right now between Ide, PayPal, and myself. It is ELITE and I just won the argument over money owed. An oversight on Ide's part led to a victory by yours truly. Pretty good text exchange...lots of offensive insults being chucked around.

You need to check your facts, G$. Not only does Bush average better than 4 yards a clip for his career, he's also a pass catching RB. He's basically a bigger, cheaper version of Matt Forte with half the mileage.

Before the insults cascade me...I'm not saying that Bush is in the same category talent wise as Forte. What I am saying is a guy who averages over 4 yards a carry, can catch out of the backfield and is a savage from 5 yards out certainly does not "suck" or "kinda suck".

He needed an account, no joke, ten or so years ago to buy tickets or something. Instead of getting flooded with phone calls asking what his password is, I just took care of the transaction myself although it was in his name. Again, this is like ten years ago. It was the only transaction on that account ever...until this morning when it got pumped with $42 for "raping black kids". I don't remember what the hell the password is (again...decade) and since the account is not in my name, they won't listen to me. I'm sure as hell not getting my old man involved. I can't imagine that his phone call with Sallah from Indiana Jones would go over well. And thus we're stuck (not really, Ide just has to wait a month for payment cancellation to process). But Ide did not mention that I told him which fucking account to send it to but he just ignored my payment advice and sent it to another account anyway. I should fire him for insubordination.

On another note, and I've been thinking about it all day, who wants to bet that game 4 of Pacers/Heat features some of the absolute worst officiating of all time? Miami is going to win when they play 8 on 5. You can book that shit.

Maybe if the members of Miami's team had guest spots on Parks and Rec they would be as ELITE as Roy Hibbert. I wonder if John Ralphio goes to Pacer games.

I would like to see where you read that the Heat have an 82% of losing that series only being down 2-1. Interesting calculations.

What I WILL bet on is that Lebron absolutely goes off in game 4. I think he let Wade be Captain Selfish guy in a 2nd half 20 point blowout to prove a point. There should be no doubt that Wade is a million percent responsible for that loss.

Whoa! I'm just presenting the facts here, people. HISTORY says that Miami has an 18% chance of winning this series now against a team that they should have swept. They could have CRUSHED Indiana in those first two games and reminded them that they don't belong...but they obviously did not and now a more physical and athletic (true) but severely less skilled team believes that this is their series. Is game 4 on Saturday or Sunday? That is going to be an intriguing watch as the old LeBron would fold big time after the last two games.