Widowers – Forced to Live in the Shadows

When asked, few people can name even one man who has been widowed. But given a few moments for additional consideration, many are likely to say, “Oh wait a minute, I do know one. He lives down the street or works with me at my office.” When I presented this same question to a friend of mine, he failed to recall how his own father was widowed. I find this stunning.

Few Americans can name more than one U.S. president who was widowed, yet over one-third of the Presidents of the United States have experienced the loss of a spouse (sixteen in total). This lack of awareness of the mere existence of widowers among us validates how they seemingly live in the shadows of society and our communities.

Want more proof? Americans love movies – yet few can recall how actor Mel Gibson practically built his action-hero career on exacting vengeance from being a widower—not exactly a healthy way to deal with loss. He did it in the Middle Ages in Braveheart, during the Revolutionary War in The Patriot, and as a cop in Lethal Weapon, including 3 sequels.

Look around you. While you may not know a widower today, you will soon, for one in five men you know will eventually be widowed. And unless things change – including the behaviors of those reading this article – they too will soon be forgotten. Sadly, this failure by society to recognize the plight of our widowed population, not to mention their needs has become an international norm.

This view was crystallized by the actions of the United Nations when on December 22, 2010, the United Nations 65th General Assembly unanimously adopted a resolution establishing June 23rd as International Widows Day. To be celebrated annually, this global day of action was intended to raise awareness about the cultural discrimination of widows. We all should applaud the passage of this resolution by the United Nations as the need for heightened awareness about the needs of widows around the world are indeed critical. But the way I see it, the United Nation’s only got it half right. What of the needs of widowed men? In my view, the time for everyone’s proactive support for widowers is way overdue.

Not to diminish the pain and suffering of the countless widows on all seven continents, the actions of the United Nations mirrors the efforts – or lack thereof – of societies around the world; Men are held to a different set of standards compared to women following the loss of a spouse. Women are more likely to be comforted by others while widowed men are expected to “get over it.”

Couple the prevailing view that men are tough and don’t need grief support with the fact that few resources are ever explicitly crafted to comfort and assist widowed males, it’s no wonder widowers have such difficulty in dealing with so many significant challenges. Challenges most are ill-prepared to engage including substance abuse or career self-destruction, from difficulty reconciling with their higher-power to their financial ruin, isolation, grief and severe health concerns. In addition to an increased rate of diabetes and hypertension, widowers have a suicide rate that is 3-4 times greater than that of married men.

In spite of all of these facts and more, widowed men are left primarily to their own resources. I personally experienced this phenomenon following the death of my fifty-two-year-old wife in 2008, when I entered my local large box bookstore. As I approached the customer service counter, I inquired what they may have available that could help me – a new widower – deal with my grief. The clerk politely entered the word “widower” into his computer’s search engine and then looked up at me saying, “Mister, I don’t have a damn thing for you.” Can you imagine my disappointment?

It was at that precise moment I decided someone needed to write a relevant book for widowed men and that person was me. After nine years of research, my breakout book, The Widowers Journey – Helping Men Rebuild After Their Loss (Amazon.com) was released in 2017. When my literary agent shopped the manuscript around to over thirty New York publishing houses, she was repeatedly told that “Men don’t buy books.” As a result, the publishing community doesn’t accept manuscripts written for widowed men. Once again, I confirmed how the needs of the widower next door are repeatedly ignored. This apathy towards the needs of widowed men was not something I was willing to accept, hence my decision to self-publish The Widower’s Journey.

While the United Nations and New York’s publishers have failed widowers globally, they are not alone. With 2.7 million widowers in the United States alone, and 420,000 new widowers each year, our houses of worship, as well as our employers, have also failed them. The medical community and our local, state and federal are equally up to the task of disappointing our widowers, as are many of our friends, families, and neighbors. Each segment of society is culpable in their neglect of men who are desperately dealing with emotional pain during repeated dark days and tear-filled nights. The absence of meaningful resources being provided, not to mention some semblance of awareness about the pain and suffering widowers endure is heart-wrenching, perhaps even sinful.

Even if those who are in a position to act elect not to do so for humanitarian reasons, they should do so because it is in the best interest of all parties to ensure widowed men are healthy, functional and contributing to society.

Correcting this unfair treatment of widowers begins when all interested parties – including you – start doing their part beginning today. To that end, I am calling upon the United Nations General Assembly to join us by passing a resolution declaring the International Day of the Widower to be celebrated annually on March 7th.

So let me ask you a question… Do you know a widower?

Herb Knoll

Herb Knoll lost his wife, Michelle to pancreatic cancer on March 7, 2008. Knoll is a retired bank executive, marketer, and professional speaker turned widower advocate. He founded the Michelle’s Angels Foundation, Inc., a not-for-profit organization, whose mission it is to “provide love, hope, compassion, and comforting music to those who quietly suffer” (MichellesAngel.com). Knoll also founded the Widowers Support Network in 2014 (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), so he could better serve, comfort, and assist widowers and those who love them.
Knoll has previously served as a weekly columnist for the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle, a contributing writer for Sales & Marketing Management and Marketing Times magazines, and as an on-air talent for television commercials. As the former director of public and media relations for KeyBank (NY) and later as president of Marketplace Bank (FL), Knoll frequently appeared as his bank’s spokesperson on radio and television. PBS affiliate WNED produced and aired the three-part series Today’s Executive, featuring Herb’s business insights, which were featured in his 1985 book, The Total Executive.
Among his many credits, Knoll was inducted into the Buffalo/Niagara Sales & Marketing Executive’s Hall of Fame, served as the Executive Director of the 10,000+ member Sales & Marketing Executives International and was a charter member of the board of directors for Nap Ford Community School in Orlando.
A former U.S. Army Reserve Drill Sergeant (E-7), Knoll is a proud member of the Knights of Columbus. Knoll lives in Lake Mary, Florida, with his wife, Maria.

2 Comments

I am actually ashamed to be a “widower”. I have always hated that term and also “widow” and now I am one. It stings- hurts and makes me feel less than I was as Mr and Mrs! I have nothing now and the biggest insult was my having to contact the various agencies to “erase my wife” from existence! So I grieve the diagnosis of her dreaded stage 4 cancers(yes lung and brain)- then I grieve during the hospital stays- the radiation and one chemo- they called it off after the 1. I grieve during 3 weeks of home hospice- then another 8 days inpatient till she passes. Then its the grief of planning funeral arrangements. Then the grief after its all over and all the relatives have hightailed it out of town. Good by- see ya- barely from some. Ok get to go home to an empty house that was once a dream home. Then the grief and indignity of erasing her from living records as in erasing her existence. When will it ever stop? Now all my forms get to say “widower”- aint that just grand? Yes I am ashamed at the word and it now applies to me! I feel worthless and its all I can do to slink in and out of my garage hopefully unseen by a neighborhood chock full of married couples only.

I was the competent courageous problem solver for 38 years. I pursued multiple successful careers seeking to impress only one person – my wife. What am I now? A widower. That’s a non-identity. I don’t need for all of society to recognize my struggle. Just one or two other people would be enough.