Why barracking for Collingwood is hopeless

No matter what happens over the course of the next two weeks, if you barrack for Collingwood you might as well go and hide under the bed. It’s going to be nothing but pain. Painful pain. Yes, the kind that hurts.

If you know a Collingwood supporter, help them steal a laptop, log into their neighbour’s wifi, open this up and read it to them. It might just help them survive the next fortnight without injuring themselves or someone else.

This week, you’ll have to put up with cocky Geelong fans. Don’t fight it. Accept it as a fact of life. Besides, they’ve totally earned the right over the last four years. By the way, if you’re a Collingwood supporter and you don’t think the 2007 Prelim was the best game you’ve ever seen a Collingwood side play despite the fact we lost, you need further help.

Should Geelong win on Friday night, no matter how close the game is, you have every right to feel disappointed. But under no circumstances should you whinge about the umpiring decisions or your team’s inability to kick the oval shaped thing between the two tallest wooden things. Prepare for patronising rubbish from friends who support Geelong and an absolute kicking from friends who support every other side. The best advice is to stand in front of a mirror and say the word ‘Colliwobbles’ until it has no more effect on you. Oh, and avoid all media until Dane Swan wins the Brownlow.

Should Collingwood win on Friday night, no matter how close the game is, shut the hell up. Sing the song loud at the ground. Watch the replay until your eyes bleed at home, but that’s where it ends. Also, don’t bait friends who barrack for Geelong – even though their window will now be closed and Gary Jr will be packing his bags for the Sunshine State. It’s just not worth it. No one likes Collingwood supporters to begin with. People throw rocks (and knives) at smug ones. If you feel the need to rabbit on about it, go to the cinema that is screening ‘Joffa’, you might find a kindred spirit.

Should this happen and your beloved Pies progress to the Grand Final, enjoy the week. The Brownlow should be a stress-free evening for starters. But the best advice I can give is to find a distraction like reading a book, or, alternatively, hire a season or two of a tv series and watch that to keep your mind off the footy.

Should St Kilda win the Grand Final (sorry Bulldogs fans), accept the fact that it is Collingwood’s lot in life to be the side that St Kilda beats in Grand Finals. If you take this attitude, then you should be able to celebrate long and hard into the night with any St Kilda following friends –besides it’d be their shout. Once again, expect a torrent of ‘Colliwobble’ abuse, jokes about going missing in September, and of course, Travis Cloke. Have faith that St Kilda winning a flag is “good for footy”. And console yourself in the knowledge that Mick Malthouse is still coaching for another year. Still, it’ll be best to steer clear of ALL media for a good fortnight.

Should Collingwood win the Grand Final, understand this: It’ll be because of injuries to the other team. It’ll be because of the &*%^&$ umpires. It’ll be because it was too wet/dry/windy and good teams don’t win in those conditions. It’ll be an AFL conspiracy. It’ll be because Collingwood cheated. It’ll be because they played the last seven home and away games at the G. It’ll be because of the people that stole the laptops from St Kilda a few weeks ago (who were probably Collingwood supporters).

You can be guaranteed that if Collingwood does win the premiership, it certainly won’t be because they were the best, most consistent side of the year. Hence, you can’t celebrate it because, really, you’ve only won by default.

Is it possible that the three year menace of the GFC is finally exorcised by an economic boom based on one quarter of Australia’s population going on a retail spending frenzy gobbling up copious quantities of Pies Premiership memorabelia and unatractive, but obscenely expensive, body colourings?

And is it possible that ‘Bulldog Jules’ will claim it as Government iniative?

Sydney, I’m a Collingwood supporter who is described by others as many things; funny, smart, cute, petite, caring, but i have never been called hopeless.
You seem to, like everybody else probably hate Collingwood, but can we stop the generalizing of Collingwood supporters? If I hear one more joke about my teeth or my criminal record im going to scream!

“No one likes Collingwood supporters to begin with.”
Truer words have never been spoken. The world is a better place when the Pies lose.
All the same, it’s hard to feel animosity towards individuals who have dinner plate sized Collingwood emblems tattooed on their lower backs. It seems they’ve been punished enough

8- thanks Dips, im writing up a year 12 reflection as we speak, i hope it comes out alright since its hard to please everybody.

9- phantom- *does Jonathan Brown scrowl face*
Nah i won’t be going since Dads working and id prob jinx us if i did. Also add the fact that im scared to be at the gound, i would probably have a heart-attack!
im just VERY annoyed that the Cats and my boys have to do the hard work while the Saints get the Golden ticket.

I think the Doggies can (and hopefully will) win for a number of reasons:

1. They have confidence for the first time in a long time
2. Hooper can lift them during a game
3. St Kilda coming off a break
4. Doggies (IMO) match up well on the Saints
5. St Kilda may just be getting a little cocky.

If the Dogs can win this week, Gigs, I shall love your team forever (even though it goes against the grain – our clubs are none-too-fond of each other). Well … at least until next season :P

Crio, I may have committed the terrible error of reading too much into the press – I didn’t see the game, just caught bits of it on the radio, but the next day everywhere I looked it was things like: “Hooper showing old dogs new tricks”, etc etc.

And from memory, Doggies were looking done until he kicked his goal. He may have not had a great game, but that effort from a debutant seemed to lift his teammates. The same thing happened with Geelong a couple of times last year.

Simon Hogan is by no means a star or even solid player. Yet, on two or three occasions, when Geelong were losing the game and getting worse by the minute, he’d manufacture a goal out of nowhere. Not pretty, not brilliant, just a goal. Next thing you know, the team’s gone: well, if he can do it, why can’t we? BAM! Goal burst :P

#14 Dave – I respect the Saints, doesn’t mean I have to like them. And it isn’t rich coming from a Cats supporter, it’s BECAUSE I’m a Cats supporter that I’ve been there, done that (re: cocky players – see: 2008 GF). I don’t mean to cast aspersion on the Saints, but I know Geelong has gone into many a game assuming it’d be a smooth ride, and been caught off guard. Look at round 22! We were showed up by WEST COAST for a half!

But perhaps cocky was the wrong word. Complacent might’ve been better. Time will tell.

The rantings of scared old men and women, over-ripe and past their prime, much like the Cats.

Collingwood is just beginning their years of dominance, the Cats to a climactic fall.

I think some Stone Roses lyrics capture it well enough:

I can feel the earth begin to move,
I hear my needle hit the groove,
And spiral through another day,
I hear my song begin to say,
Kiss me where the sun don’t shine
The past was yours
But the future’s mine
You’re all out of time

I don’t agree Chris. If Collingwood wins we will be loud, proud, arrogant, badly behaved and fulfil every stereotype – and that’s just those of us who have a tertiary education and a level of maturity!

We’ve earned it.

If St Kilda or the Bulldogs win I would expect similar behaviour from their supporters. They too have earned it.

If Geelong wins I expect that they will be too busy mourning Gazza junior’s relocation North to fully celebrate.

We might be in a no win situation Chris but I have decide that the Pies should adopt the Millwall Soccer Clubs philsophy.

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