Tag Archives: stress

One of my goals for this year is to be more flexible, specifically to relearn how to do splits. While I am not exactly the creaky old crone I could be, I am definitely not as flexible as I used to be. Aging? Already? This one I can work on.

Got tested about a different style of flexibility this weekend. Hand plans to spend the weekend with the man & his family for Superbowl, a birthday & a few other things. Due to scheduling some work in another city in between Charlotte (where our families are) & Wilmington (home), we weren’t able to drive in together. Which meant I got to come into town early & spend some time with the little dude (& of course the rest of the family). What we didn’t plan was his car cracking up & leaving him stuck in Wilmington.

After a trying week for both of us & not getting to see each other much, it was not ok. I wanted to scream. Bummed to say the least.

After the initial anger, we both agreed it was better to just relax and enjoy our weekends even if not as planned or even together. ENJOY. There is my word of the year again. So I’m trying. There are worse things that easily could have happen. Still sometimes life is just frustrating. Today as I watched my nephew have a breakdown because he didn’t want to take his nap, I thought about how maybe we as adults should embrace the meltdown tantrums. Just release the feelings & express ourselves. Then again should I be taking life advice from a 20 month old? Probably not. Have to admit hearing him yell my name in his little munchkin voice to come save him from his daddy trying to get him to sleep kind of melted me.

Although it’s not quite the one I wanted to spend the weekend with, at least I get to watch the big game tomorrow with one of my favorite guys. Still making memories & suddenly I have more time to read now. Maybe I will even get to knock out another book on my way to 50!

Recently I did finish a book that I have to say surprised me.

I’m a big fan of catching Amazon freebies & when I saw that one about someone traveling across America by hitchhiking I thought why not? So I added The Kindness of Strangers: Penniless Across America to my stash & didn’t think much about it. After finishing Wild, I really wanted something travel related & discovered this find again on my Kindle. Thanks to a blog I read regularly, Crazy Running Girl, I also discovered there is a bloggers’ book club that has started up by Sarah Ohm where we get a topic each month to read our interpretation of & then blog about the books read. Right up my alley! January’s theme is Motivational Book, which Kindness of Strangers ended up being for me.

No I’m not going hitchhiking anytime soon, but this memoir by Mike McIntyre did inspire me to think about how kind people really can be. I’ve started looking at people walking near roads a tad differently too.

Mike finds himself in a place where he isn’t sure of his life. Frustrations with a relationship and career lead him to decide to toss aside his job, responsibilities and fears and walk from his home in California to a place on the east coast called Cape Fear. Which strangely enough is where I live! Truth be told the Cape Fear is a river and the Cape Fear he is heading towards is just the area considered as the river basin for that river. He doesn’t realize this but the whole time reading I was confused by his talking about going to Cape Fear, North Carolina. “No such place” I would mental argue each time I read it.

His rule is simple. He is going to get from California to North Carolina, coast to coast, without a single penny. No cash. No credit or debit cards. No checks. Nothing. Not carried on him & not accepted from anyone along the way. In this era (he did this trek in the mid-90s), this concept seems absolutely crazy. Completely letting go of control and trusting that he will find people to provide a place to stay, rides, food and the occasional necessities like a bathroom or shower once in a while.

Equipped with a sign and a backpack he starts off simply thumbing from town to town. Along the way he meets some very unique characters as you might imagine. Knowing this is a true story both gives me faith in people and scares me slightly. You really just don’t know who to trust and who not to sometimes.

I won’t give away much more, but I did find his travels very entertaining. His leap of faith is one I don’t think I will ever be brave enough to attempt, but my wanderlust is rev’d up. I’m more likely to trust the wilderness of nature like Cheryl Strayed in Wild than the people along the highways across the US!

THE LIST for 2015 is FINALLY complete & I’m excited to start checking off all the fun things on it before 2015 is over. Last year I managed to check of 45 of the 99 things listed. This year will be even more.

Thankfully last night, I was able to make a dream come true & strike off one thing from the list as done!

I finally sprang for a class in Aerial Silks!

(cue the Glitter in the Air song)

I will be honest, when I walked into the class my plan was to get some pictures & write a blog post about my introduction to aerial silks. Had a friend who signed up too & thought how easy to just snap a couple of action shots? Would have been had I not entranced from the moment one of the students hung up the contraption to the huge hook in the ceiling. The braided fabric beautifully falling the height of the room and puddling its excess on the floor. I may have internally squealed as the teacher tested the stretch & give of the sash.
We warmed up and she went over a few basic stretching & things to know like terminology and facts like how much weight the humongous single piece of fabric could hold (note: no fears here. All 7 of us could have climbed on & it still wouldn’t have been strained from the weight!).

It was scary for sure, trusting that the fabric wrapped in a particular way would hold us from falling on the wooden floors. Not being the first to go was a practice in patience and helped to make it a bit easier to feel confident in the wrap. Once I did get my chance, it felt amazing! Although we might have looked graceful and at ease in the poses, they were challenging to get into. The tension in my muscles battled with the desire to stay swinging. The stress seemed to fall from my body as I inverted and let go of the fear of falling.

The names of the poses also thrilled me. Mermaid. Angel. Star. Flamingo. Peter pan. All great things in my eyes. I left imagining signing up for as many classes as possible to fit in.

Today it all definitely crashed back down to ground. Seems there was some mix up from when I signed up. The studio offered a discount rate of $5 off when you signed up early. So in December I made the decision to go on and treat myself while I had the cash. Logged in to their website, found the class, entered my information & excitedly told friends about it in hopes they would sign up as well. Which worked.

I thought anyway. Tonight I get a voice mail with a snippy message saying that while they hoped I enjoyed the class, they wondered why I was there last night since they didn’t have me enrolled. Huh? It went on to elaborate how people had to enroll to go to any of the classes… blah blah blah. The point was very clear.

I called back as requested. Thankfully I had saved the email showing when & how I had paid. Unfortunately I also noticed I had been charged the full rate. The person on the phone went into some tirade about how I shouldn’t have been there taking up space last night since I wasn’t enrolled. Only after I mentioned the emailed receipt did she seem to realize I didn’t just show up & get a free class. She could see their records showing that I had paid in December. Are they used to people just randomly paying you without any expectations? Turns out their system will take the payment yet you still need to enroll separately. She tried to explain how I had messed up.

No apologies. No refunds. No going back.

Certainly I had messed up. In spending the cash to try something new and expecting their system to work.

Mercury is in retrograde and it feels like it for sure. Communication breakdowns left and right. I’m hanging on & trying to see the positives but at times I just want to scream. Tonight I am trusting that the wraps will hold tight and that tomorrow will be easier. At least I got to enjoy dangling for a little while.

As for getting back into the air? Thankfully the teacher runs her own company and holds classes in several locations around town. Now I just have to make sure that next time, no one considers me as the tag-a-log extra freeloading. I may not have much cash at the moment, but I draw the line at stealing. Oh life. Why do you test us all so much?

Thankfully day 5 is in the books. Only 95 more days of working out & writing left to go. Then the real magic – Disney! For now, I will just strive to catch a few dreams in my sleep & hope that the morning light brings a new outlook. Until then…

Like this:

The past couple of days have been a real bitch. In a lot of ways I just want to break down and cry and do the dramatic why me shit. But I won’t. Wouldn’t get me anywhere but where I am so why bother?

Sometimes you have to be the bison.

Huh? a Bison? Yes. The all american bison. Or as some call them buffalo.

See the bison have this quirk that makes them pretty bad ass. I know they already look that way & with their size & natural weaponry they can do some real damage. Add in their herding number that back each other up & you have a real death wise messing with them. Still to watch them, they seem naturally to be calm creatures who just want to relax in the sun enjoying a good meal then stroll along to whatever is next in their life. They enjoy being together and aren’t afraid to run full speed or stroll barely at a snail’s pace. Awesome enough right there, but then comes the quirk. When the storms come and most animals hide away to make it through letting the storm pass, bison go into the storm. They face it & walk into it. They know that the storm passes quicker when you are going in the opposite direction.

Smart beast.

Yes I have a major crush on bison. Just want to hang out with them & maybe snuggle a little.

For me, the storm seems to keep being my health. Just when I feel like I have this whole blood sugar thing down & actually have learned to drink the unsweet tea (even without stevia most times!), something else comes along to knock me off my feet.

I have developed habit of walking that I am loving. This past week I joined a friend to walk just over 6 miles on Monday, then again another 6 miles Wednesday & had plans to walk at least 4 miles Thursday. All day Thursday I just felt off. Made it through my internship hours and even go in a little shopping where I found some new sneakers marked down to $25! Got home changed clothes to go walk & just didn’t feel right. One of the things that had been bothering me all day had been a soreness in my chest. Like I had pulled a muscle just under my breast. Not sure doing what but I just brushed it off as maybe I slept stretch out wrong or lifted something weird. I have learned to love sore muscles because it means they are working & hopefully getting better at what they are doing. This one just was painful. Deep breathing made it worse. I had no energy all day which made sense because I had barely slept and as much as I hate admitting this hardly eaten. Just didn’t feel like eating & had been busy. Had a cup of coffee & a big B vitamin to help keep me moving. So much so that I felt like I could feel my pulse. Couldn’t shake the off feeling, so I thought just take your blood pressure – see that it is completely normal then go work out. You will feel better.

Only it didn’t give me any comfort. I have been regularly taking readings since the physical in September when she said I was pre-hypertensive and needed to get the blood pressure down. Common with type 2 diabetics. I knew my numbers were high, but the past few months of healthy eating, working out & losing weight they had dropped down. A typical reading for me is around 118/78. When I did the check Thursday, I got 187/110! Which is NOT GOOD & completely explained the feeling the pulse.

With anxiety attacks I get a burst of higher numbers & I know that is pretty normal, but I wasn’t anxious at all. If anything I was excited to be going out (was a beautiful warm day) but not THAT excited. Seeing numbers higher than I had ever seen made me scared.

Since my heart rate didn’t need to be raised at all, I canceled my plans & the girls went on without me.

Then the stress hit. I emergency called my sister who used to do cardiac rehab to see if this was anything to worry about. She was actually working at her hospital at the time and walked me through several symptoms. Made me feel better than she wasn’t extremely concerned. Basically I had 2 options, run to the hospital now or see if relaxing a bit could get it down. The second option sounded a lot more affordable to me & since I didn’t have pain in my arm or even a sharp throbbing one in my chest or really any other symptom we went with door number 2. Which thankfully worked. I got the numbers dropping and started to calm down.

After about 2 hours, the readings were normal again but I was exhausted.

Luckily I hadn’t planned to work yesterday, so I was able to rest all day other than a quick trip in to see the doc. I needed the rest.

Now I am keeping a more regular log & tracking several times daily. Fun, fun, fun.

Hopefully that was just a weird, one time fluke, but I am scared. Especially of working out. Wednesday I had plans of registering for my next couple of 5ks & even to try to increase the pace & miles each week. Now I am just terrified that I am going to do something and make my blood vessel or heart explode! I know our bodies are adaptive and exercise is probably the best prescription for this. I just don’t trust myself. My body is once again my enemy.

As the song goes LET THE STORM RAGE ON… I am a fighter. I’m scared but I am turning to face the storm. Like the bison I will WALK head first and hope that this works to get me through to better days.

I have come too far to stop & in a lot of ways I feel healthier than ever. Still don’t have much energy, but in time hopefully that too will come. I am going further than I have thought I would & the distance of the 5k which used to seem so huge, is now less than the normal walk. I’m proud of what I have achieved & am not ready to quit.

So into the storm I walk.

Giving my body a couple more rest days & going to pick up a heart rate monitor to better gauge how hard I am pushing myself just to be safe, but I am going to get back into adding up those miles. Maybe not the fastest, but I will be the bison!

Lately life has just been moving too fast & honestly I don’t even know what to think much less what to share. In the past posting has been therapeutic and helped to relieve my worries. A release. I can openly share my struggle with watching Mom get sick and pass away. Share my grief & even my own mental fights with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I can openly talk about the eating disorder I dealt with in high school and how food and the weight became a comfy afterwards. Seeing the way pounds helped give Mom a little longer towards the end only validated that the extra I wore wasn’t the worst thing in life. Sure I might not be a model but health is more important than vanity. For some reason talking about everything going on physically now, just is harder.

Then came the type 2 diagnosis. I cleaned up my diet and my body responded.

The push to drop pounds was simply to improve the numbers medically but the focus was on eating right and giving my body the nutrition it needs. The weight loss was a side effect of that shift.

In some ways it felt great to value myself by eating healthy, fresh foods & I didn’t miss the convenience stuff I grew up (& gained it all) on. I didn’t have a goal weight or look so this isn’t like before. I don’t avoid eating and nothing if off limits. Occasionally I eat foods I know aren’t ideal (yesterday was a pumpkin spice donut breakfast kind of day!) and I don’t feel guilt doing so. I do feel the effects afterwards and the calories I still keep in check so using them in “worthless” food means making up the difference during the rest of the day which can be challenging.

At the start I looked forward to making meals. Right now, I am less than enthusiastic. The quick, pick up stuff does seem to have a draw, but it doesn’t have the same flavor or feel right anymore. Working (although only a 20 hour internship) along with classes and juggling somewhat of a social life does make a time crunch & I’m worried what going back to a full time work week will do. Hopefully this is just a temporary hurdle. Something I can figure out how to get past. Still is it so much to ask that there be a few options outside my house that are quick and healthy? Don’t even mention salads, because iceberg is not food. Give me spinach or spring green… something with some flavor & color. Crunch is optional.

The upside: the numbers look a lot better last time I check with my doctor and ….drum roll because for me this is HUMONGOUS… I can actually test my blood when needed now without feeling faint. Well a majority of the time. Sure sometimes it still takes me 3 test strips to get what I need, but I am getting there. The girl who passed out so often at the doc’s office that she knew to position me on the bed with the feet up anytime she needed to use needles, draws her own blood. (Go on laugh, but I am still damn proud of this!)

So all good right?

Sort of. Weird thing is that although I see the numbers change, I don’t see it. I know the scale keeps going down. The tape measure gets closer and closer on each body part & the clothes have had to be replaced. Still when I look in the mirror – same girl as always. I’m trying to see it but honestly it isn’t as drastic as some people are acting like it is. Felt slightly bad when my doc got so excited and celebratory of the weight loss and I just kind of thought whatever. Isn’t that big of a deal. Attitude is everything so fake it till you make it. It all feels bizarre. Hopefully my mind will catch up. Right now it just feels too survival mode still.

Spend a bit of time shopping which does feel better than it used to. Clothes fit better. This part is both fun and dangerous. Plus I STILL need to purge the closet of the old stuff.

yes, it bores me to death too.

SEE why I haven’t posted much? This is the stuff that consumes my mind lately. Not humor. Not men. Just wondering how to deal & if it is healthy or not. Dullsville.

Still there is football. For a few hours each week my mind shuts down and I focus on the field. Which feels amazing! (Even if there was a tie of all things! At least we didn’t have to resort to twisting ankles to get there.)

So hopefully soon I will have more to share. Miss writing, but then again I am still writing a lot – just more in the line of legal memos & research notes. Wish I could share some of the insanity that I see in the files I am working with, but… just can’t. Let’s just say that personal injury law is nothing like I imagined it to be. I have yet to see anyone who is looking for an easy paycheck. Everyone just wants to pay off their bills. Also I look at cars completely differently after reading so many accident reports! First couple of weeks I honestly was a tad scared to drive anywhere. Seems like the person who causes the accident usually gets off easier than the one(s) being hit! So while I trust my skills, I don’t anyone else’s! I really was disappointed when the public defender’s office canceled the internships this semester & it only helped that I wasn’t the only one to lose the placement (so don’t take it personal). Meeting the amazing staff & learning about personal injury law has been better than I could have imagined. I know my time is limited at the firm, but I’m not sure I could have asked for more of an internship! Also less scared that this isn’t where I should be. Doubt is gone.

HIGH FIVE

OH!!!! & did I mention I passed my exam to be a NOTARY!?!?

Passed with a HUNDRED! Time to pay the fee, send the ap, order the stamp & take the oath. Then it is official. Who would have thought it? Yes that does deserve the high five from the seriously fuking cute baby panda.

Like this:

Once upon a time…

there was a man and his dog. Everyday they walked miles. When not walking they enjoyed watching deer occasionally from the safety of inside their castle. Daily he fed the various birds that lived all around and delighted in identifying the variety of species that visited. Chipmunks, squirrels, owls, hawks, lizards, frogs, snakes and even coyotes once in a while made appearances. They loved the life sharing their wooded lot with animals of all kinds. The woodland characters entertained him and everyone lived peacefully together.

UNTIL…

One day after a long walk the man discovered two ticks on the dog. Most likely the ticks mistook the dog for one of the deer that they tend to feed on. The man quickly escorted the wayward ticks into their next life but later that night he woke to find one of their relatives had attacked in revenge. He had experience in guarding his home and showed the tick exactly who was in charge but he did note that it didn’t seem to look like the ticks that he normally crossed paths with. Not thinking much about it, he removed it although it had been firmly in place dining presumably most of the night. The battle ended. The man slaying 3 ticks in one day for the win!

Or so we thought.

The next day he started to feel a little off. Tired, headache, sore… which didn’t seem too out there. He easily could have picked up something & thought he was getting a cold. It got worse & a fever joined the other symptoms. After a few days he also noticed the site on his leg where the tick had bitten was red and inflamed. Not good.

Basically he was a stubborn man & rather than getting it check out to be safe, he just dealt with it. Still he just thought he was going through a cold. After the bite started growing larger, turning a dark black & swelled up to the size of a baseball he FINALLY decided to mention it. The following day he had an appointment with his dermatologist so he waited again. At first glance the doctor forgot the man was there for a simple check to ensure that the skin cancer had not relapsed & asked what the red spots, now covering his entire body, were. The red streaks going out from the initial bite up & down his leg that were extremely tender also alerted the doctor that this wasn’t an average bug bite. No kidding.

Unfortunately this isn’t exactly the end of the story. While the doctor has assured us that after some rest and a lengthy round of meds to treat the infection, the man should be back to normal – probably. With one lasting change.

He may never be able to eat meat again.

Yes this guy who has battled type 2 diabetes and won by cutting down on everything he eats and limiting carbs, may have to limit his food choices even further.

When the tick was attached to his leg it secreted a chemical that is also found in red meats. Under normal conditions this substance stays in the digestive tract & is broken down and used by the body without any problems. However the body isn’t used to having it anywhere other than the digestive track. The tick introduced it into the blood stream where being so foreign the body started to attack the chemical. Now the body has labeled it as bad news & is on alert. So there is a huge chance that the body will no longer tolerate it ANYWHERE in the body.

At this point we wait to see. Some lucky people exposed do not develop the allergy & some do. The more times someone is bitten by this particular tick, the more likely they are to become allergic. After he gets in better shape, which thankfully is quickly happening due to the medications, we can test to see if there will be any reactions. It could take a few hours to a few months for his body to either be allergic or decide the chemical is still ok as long as it stays on the food side of operations.

If he does develop the allergy it will mean he has to completely avoid all red meat & anything that has come in contact with it. Luckily it seems that fish and poultry seem to not have the reactive chemicals, so at least he will have that still. Basically it will be as serious as a peanut allergy. Anything around or that has touched something that has touched meat, could send him into anaphylactic shock and could result in a hospital visit or worse. An epipen will be his new side kick.

Joy.

Fairy tale? Hardly. Unless it is the Stephen King version where the humans are killed off and the insects take over. Let’s hope for a happier ending.

Now if you are anything like me after hearing this tale you now itch & are paranoid that every little gush of wind that blows by your skin makes you feel like you are getting crawled on. Especially around bed time when the lights go out.

As far fetched as this all sounds, sadly it is a true story & the consequences of that tiny bite are very real. So we wait & hope. Because quite frankly my Dad just isn’t the vegan type. He could surprise us as he has done with changing his diet in response to the diabetic diagnoses which he has reversed. Just never know.

The moral of the story: even the smallest little things have the potential to change your life in very big ways.

Like this:

There are days you have it together and then there are days like yesterday.

Couple of friends had posted about having “adventure days” on Facebook & half way through the day I wanted to cry out “But I didn’t want an adventure day!” but of course I was. Had planned to spend the morning at the beach, but rain canceled that plan. Rain yet the neighbors STILL had the roofers pounding away nonstop on their house.. so no sleeping in. Got up and moving completely unmotivated to do much. Lunch flopped, but I ate it anyway. First mistake.

Took out the trash that stunk like the awful “alfredo” I tried to make & was greeted with a sight I am thankfully not accustomed to: 2 undercover officers. No not for me, but that they were asking about my neighbors (no the roofing ones) didn’t give me much comfort. For some reason the insessant pounding & knowing that something was about to happen just made me surge into good ole GTFO of there mode.

So I did. Baxter had just been outside, so it was a quick change of clothes & I was out. Panic attacks have a way of speeding you up. In the rush, I left behind the pedometer I have been addicted to, so no clue how much I walked but a few laps around the mall (no shopping because frankly there isn’t that much interesting left there). Wandered around a few other places & it was time to head over to a friend’s place. We had agreed to check out Guardians of the Galaxy (which I loved!) and have a summer roll night since we are both on a kick. At least that part of the night was on track & was calming. The movie had me cracking up actually! Some hilarious lines. Seriously where else can you hear someone put a guy in their place with “I will not succumb to your pelvis sorcery”? Yes I want that on a tank top!

Haven’t had a lot of panic attacks recently so I got pissed off that I actually had one. Even debated if I was actually having a heart attack & might need to head to the hospital just in case. Being told I needed to get healthier has me scared I guess. I’m a pro at these attacks. Haven’t worried about that in years! They feel similar from what I hear but usually I can tell myself to chill, maybe take a pill & heart issues don’t even cross my mind. So what was different this time? No clue.

But I did figure out why it started. The police presence. The neighbors. The banging. The fact that neighbors have died next door after being shot, even if it was years & years ago, still evidently haunts me. There were no guns drawn. No swat uniforms or loud angered yelling. Not so much as even a blue light. Only way I knew there were police or anything wrong, was the badges on the belt & brief chatting with them. Grateful I don’t know much about my neighbors so not much for me to tell.

I’m over this drama.

Adventure days are over rated.

3 FILMS

What perfect timing. Thanks to rainy weather here again I have watched 3 movies in the last 24 hours. Yes I do need to get out of the house & do something today but for fun not escape.

& I completely was bad calorie wise & treated myself to a small popcorn (no salt or butter added) & a small coke at the theater… so basically I had a 2 liter of soda and a carload of popcorn. Those sizes are out of control. Felt nauseous before the 40 minutes of ads were over before the movie started!

Who doesn’t have issue with it during their lives? If there are people who actually have missed this painful of all life lessons, they truly are the blessed ones. I however find I keep retaking the test. Perhaps one day I will pass, but I can at least know that I have given everything I have where I have felt it was needed or deserved. I have tried to help overcome mistakes that were never mine in the first place & find it just leaves me depleted and angry at myself.

Evolving has never been a bad thing in my eyes. Maybe it is growing up but at some point past just doesn’t fit into the present or lead you into a future. Shedding off the old unveils the person you were meant to be during the here and now. Even if it isn’t the easiest to accept.

The clutter of trying to be empathetic and understanding of others at times will suffocate if you don’t make sure to keep your head up and stand on your own now and then. The past week I found myself exhausted and realized most of my energy was being expended trying to help various people who I valued in my life. Having one event that I wanted to attend gave me a realization. I was pulled in so many directions that everything else ended up coming first. A sacrifice I made and knew I was making it when I made it. Still anything for friends. Then I realized through several interactions with a couple of people that it all just drained & depressed me. Conversations gave me reality checks that this isn’t me. Maybe it was, but that kind of life was just shackling me to the past. The negativity grew and never feels right.

I exploded.

Several times in ways that stretched from angry texts to taking the neighbor stealing my recycling bin as a personal attack. Yes I got it back & let them know that it WILL never end up in their yard again without consequences. Forgot how intimidating I can be when it is needed. In Kali feels good to release now and then. Only through the destruction can you be free to create what you dream. Why I keep forgetting or keep thinking I need to hold fast to everything in hopes that it will once again bring the joy it had I never know. My flaw.

But now I am WIDE AWAKE.

Grateful for the people who reciprocate the respect. No one should ever be used or abused. When the relationship turns, it is time to toss it out. The things that are meant to be will be. No rules state that you can’t reconnect later in life when you are both in better places. Won’t be the same connection, but if you truly are able to support each other in becoming the best you can be then why not? Only by freeing the space do you open up life to fill it with the good stuff of the present. Step into where you should be now.