Saturday, March 21, 2009

Good to have gotten that behind me

I’m 44-years-old now and have been waiting for the urges that signify a man’s mid-life crisis. The age seems right. Shouldn’t I be dumping the wife, trolling the dance clubs, or at least contemplating a run for U.S. president?

From the evolutionary psychological perspective, a man's midlife crisis is precipitated by his wife's imminent menopause and end of her reproductive career, and thus his renewed need to attract younger women. Accordingly, a 50-year-old man married to a 25-year-old woman would not go through a midlife crisis, while a 25-year-old man married to a 50-year-old woman would, just like a more typical 50-year-old man married to a 50-year-old woman.

With Barbie now turning 50, does this mean Ken is about to trade in his classic doll for an updated version -- say, a Pussycat Doll? Does this also explain why when I turned thirty and Sheri was 47 I had an ear pierced for the first and only time? Was that the full flush of my midlife crisis? What a rip off! Why didn’t I buy a BMW convertible? I was driving a used Chevy S-10 for cripes sake! It was GRAY!

Now it’s too late. I’m 44, drive a Honda Element and like to be asleep before Letterman comes on. My life is twisted.