NESN Presents: The Tina Cervasio Replacement Auditions

At NESN’s secret base on the moon, the auditions to replace Tina Cervasio begin…

NESN, as you know, is the leading subscriber-based cable channel in New England.

We are proud to bring the people “the retarded fisherman” and exclusive Bruins telecasts.

But the jewel in our crown, of course, is our Boston Red Sox programming. So the job of on-field reporter is a critical, high profile gig. Not to be taken lightly.

With that… let the auditions begin!

Hi.

Brendan Donnelly? How’d you get past security?

Never mind that. As a former Red Sox, I believe I am now eligible for NESN duties.

I, uh… I suppose. What are your qualifications?

Well, as a player, I bring exceptional insight that the common man would not be “privvy” to. I will be the viewer’s ambassador to the strange and colorful world of the professional ballplayer, asking the probing questions that truly matter. None of this “What was going through your mind in the ninth inning” hogwash. I will get to the MEAT of the MATTER, quickly and efficiently, to the delight of your home viewers.

Okay…

Those who elect not to answer my questions will be subjected to repeated kicks to the testicles. After which, I believe they will open up, and be more conducive to discussion.

::quietly pages security::

I will also require a massive syringe…

Would you come with me, please?

Next?

‘sup.

Brian Cashman? Don’t you already have a job?

Not him, baloney tits. Me!

The… the headwarmer?

Listen, I got a great rapport with most of the players. And I’ll ask the questions every one else is afraid to, about, y’know, voodoo, the black arts, molestations…

What about, say, asking Terry Francona about his line-up card?

The f@#k is this, PBS? You can let Big Bird handle that shit. Look, here’s my proposal for “Hooker cam.”

I think… that’s about all I need to hear.

Think I need this f@#kin’ gig? Brooklyn cable access has been sending me Edible Arrangements since June trying to tie my ass down.

Next.

Hello, Tom.

Remdawg. You here to test-drive the new talent?

Actually, I’m here to throw my hat in the ring.

But you’re our man in the booth. You can’t be on the field at the same time.

Oh… can’t I?

Huh? How… how’d you do that?

Never mind the details, pally. Just get the paperwork drawn up.

What the–? How can there be more than one of you?!?

Your questions amuse me. Yet, I have no time for them. ::sucks Tom Caron’s soul from his body, leaving a lifeless husk::

By the way, who the f@#k are the “Bruins”?

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Also, last night’s LOST confirmed that, yes, this is the greatest thing to happen to TV since the George Lopez Show.