an honest forum for military spouses

It's been too long since I wrote anything. November is always a hectic, busy and stressful month. The holidays are coming; I'm preparing for yet another trip abroad for work; and we are juggling two stressful events: planning a military move for Sam, and planning a wedding that has just become a destination wedding since we will no longer reside in the city where we will wed.

That said, I realize that I am significantly less stressed when I write regularly in this blog. It's become a form of therapy for me. The same chronic issues with military life persist at a steady, low hum, so much a part of my everyday life that I almost never think about them unless I witness the horrified look on the face of some acquaintance when I reveal that I cannot contact my partner most of the time or that he might suddenly be unavailable for the holidays. Those moments are healthy; they keep me from thinking that this state of affairs is normal. Because it still frustrates just as much when Sam cancels at the last minute, ends up showing up at my apartment hours later than he originally planned, or announces he won't be around for Thanksgiving.

And yet. Something has changed. About a month ago, we had a major incident that changed the game. I got on an evening train to come spend the following workday with Sam. He had been unsure of whether he could take the next day off, but since he had had to cancel a day together the week before, I had my fingers crossed we would have time together. Yet that entire day before getting on the train, he had been unreachable. So as I headed to see him, I really had no idea whether I would or not. I was exhausted, sick of traveling back and forth and living out of my oversized purse with its change of clothes and toiletries. And I had postponed a major work meeting to take the day off to be with Sam.

So by the time I had boarded that train, I was both hopeful and pissed. Then when I was in the quiet car and could not pick up the phone, Sam called and left a casual message on my voicemail announcing that he would not be able to come home to see me during my visit--no acknowledgment of the fact that I had forcefully made time in my schedule to see him with no word from him that entire day as to the probability that it would happen.

I won't go into the massive meltdown that then occurred in the middle of the quiet car, but my rage and frustration was such that I let myself completely lose control, calling Sam back and ranting at him. I felt guilty, but relieved--the pressure that had been building up inside me for the past three years of his tour was finally released. Somewhere in my rant to Sam, I managed to communicate that I had had enough of him just letting cancellations and lack of contact with me slide with no attempt to make up the lost time and the inconvenience and frustration to me. It is not enough to say that he has a demanding job. If his job demands an extraordinary amount of me, then he should find some extraordinary way to make it up to me.

After we had a chance to talk calmly and exchange apologies the next day, Sam came up with a proposal: that he would call me from work each day, every day, to check in and talk briefly about how are days are going. Rather than me wondering when and if I will hear from him, I can more or less count on a phone call from him around midday, just to say hello. It has made a huge difference in my days, knowing that there is a moment of contact with my partner that I can count on, rather than the groping around in the dark of calling his cell phone and knowing that 9.9 out of 10 times, it will be off because he will be on the boat.

Sam has also made an effort to acknowledge verbally what it means to me to be cancelled on often. He tells me that he knows I have a lot of things going on in my life, and that it must be frustrating for me to make time for him and then not see him. This, too, takes the angry edge off of a frustrating situation.

I am not sure why we did not think about this before. My tendency is to go out of my way to try and accommodate people, especially men. It's not a quality I much admire in myself. I also think that these military men live in a culture that teaches them that their primary--maybe their only--sacrifice is to their country; and that family is the support structure in the background whose role is to be grateful and to help further their career. No one asks them to consider other peoples' time. But that kind of attitude amounts to dehumanization of service member's spouses and families. It is as if we are not people with needs, desires, and routines that matter in and of themselves. That's no way for anyone to be. I guess that many families are either so invested personally in the military mission so as to make the service member career their career; or they eventually shatter in anger. Sam and I will pave a different way. I am going to tell a story of a different kind of military family.

As our wedding gets closer, I think a great deal about marital traditions in the United States, what they mean, and how to create a ceremony and married life that affirms our inherent equality with one another.

This is a tall order when one spouse is in the military. We have made some logistical decisions. We will live apart when Sam's military relocations require him to move somewhere that would mean isolation and professional disaster for me. Sam will use his bonus pay to fund the more-than-full-time childcare we will require due do his long hours and frequent, unpredictable absences. When Sam can, he chooses not to attend the countless military social functions that threaten to swallow our few free weekends together, and he tries to take leave when I am able to take vacations.

But there are other, I would argue, equally important symbolic aspects of marriage, such as being given away by your father at the ceremony, and perhaps of greater and more lasting influence, taking your husband's name without considering why.

This post is not a dis on women who decide to take their husbands' last names. Probably the most anti-feminist thing in the world is to judge other women for their personal decisions. After all, no one asks men to "choose" whether or not to keep their maiden names. The fact that we leave it all up to women is itself problematic.

I believe that taking your husband's name is way more than just a sentimental tradition, a loving expression of unity, or a decision to honor him. Historically, it has established a woman's inferior status. As one of my favorite bloggers, Andrea Grimes, points out, we cannot forget that this is a tradition rooted in 19th century laws denying married women the right to own property and sign contracts. That the practice is still confined almost entirely to women taking men's names--more than 90% of women do--suggests there is still something deeply unequal about the practice rather than it being just a woman's choice.

I maintain that names are more than just names. They do things. They are the lenses through which we look at and organize the world. A name can mean a lot of things, but it is never meaningless to give up one of the few things that is yours, that you can completely control, and replace it with your spouse's because he's the guy.

In military families, a woman not having her husband's last name will lead to all sorts of confusion. Indeed, your institutional value lies in your ability to meld seamlessly into the military family unit--geographically in terms of where you live; culturally in terms of your attitudes towards the military "mission"; and socially in terms of who you associate with and what you talk about. I'd bet a lot of money that it's much harder for leaders in the military apparatus to grasp that heterosexual spouses have different surnames. The military recognizes spouses through what they can contribute through their conformity, through not rocking the boat, and naming is a central part of that.

The other issue is naming children. While you hear pretty heated debates over whether women "should" change their last names, almost no one seems to question that children should receive their fathers' last names. Yet this reeks even more of injustice. So, say that I keep my last name and all of our children get Sam's last name. Then I would be the one left out? How is that a satisfactory solution? I cannot imagine not sharing a last name with at least one of my children.

Hell, especially in the military where in the majority of cases, it is the wife who takes leave and spends months singlehandedly raising children in the husband's absence, your child should have a fair shot at getting your name. Then there are the logistical issues of being the parent who takes and picks up the child from school, travels with the child, and takes the child to the doctor. Are you supposed to carry a notarized letter to show that your child is indeed yours, and not just the offspring of your perpetually absent spouse?

These naming issues are particularly relevant to the military, given the burden of holding together and raising families that the military foists on spouses, and conversely, its lack of respect and recognition for spouses' individual contributions in and beyond the family.

One of the things I look forward to about keeping my own last name is the opportunity to politely correct people when they assume I am Mrs. Sam Submariner. I will say, for example, when someone calls me this, "Excuse me, if we're being formal, it's not Mrs. Submariner but Dr. Turbulent," but you can just call me Tammy." Bam! As Alice Walker once wrote, "Resistance is the secret of joy!" I live by that. It is a joy to be different and shake up the worlds of the overly-assuming just by being myself.

About

This is a blog about my experiences as the wife of a naval officer.

However, I would prefer if it were no longer about my experiences ONLY.

I want this to be an open forum for partners and spouses of military service members from all branches and ranks - including officer and enlisted - to speak openly about their experiences as family members of those serving in the armed forces.

You need not share my perspectives and views. The only requirement is that you are honest and have something original to say.

Please submit your story to rockingtheboat2013@gmail.com, and I will be in touch.