Fri, 13 Sep 2019 10:41:36 -0500WeeblySat, 07 Sep 2019 05:00:00 GMThttps://www.gracepowerstrength.com/blog1/exposing-financial-abuse-when-money-is-a-weapon-by-shannon-thomas-lcsw-book-review This blog post contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​

I had been wanting to read this book for quite some time and I was excited to finally check it off my must read list. For the most part in the past when it comes to abuse generally speaking most of us have naturally heard of physical abuse, even verbal abuse and now emotional abuse is becoming more discussed and awareness being brought to it. But even today... in our modern world financial abuse is rarely spoken of. What is truly financial abuse is often still casually spoken of as "he was controlling with the money" or "he was tight with the marital funds".... or maybe "she's high maintenance or a gold digger" and more. What typically doesn't happen is for people to just come out and say "he was abusive financially." We really don't do anyone any favors to dress up any form of abuse or downplay it as not as serious as it is. Because it's extremely serious and the fact of the matter is financial abuse is often very insidious and done covertly so it flies under the radar and not noticed by many. It may be something that is not even known about until after years, even decades of marriage and the investigation of the marital assets and accounts are taken into consideration during divorce proceedings. Even then some financial abuse may not come to light until after a divorce is finalized and one spouse realizes assets were hidden from them during the marriage and divorce. Some people are that good at leading double lives. In the book Exposing Financial Abuse When Money Is A Weapon by Shannon Thomas she explores all the horrifically blatant and underhanded ways that financial abuse is orchestrated by abusers.

You probably know someone who has been or is currently being financially abused by their spouse. It's not uncommon as Shannon points out in her book and often the higher the incomes the higher the stakes are at hiding what they earn and keeping the rest of the family in the dark and possibly in the poor house. Shannon does an excellent job of showing by examples and personal stories submitted to her for her book research that the myth of financial abuse occurring in only certain types of households is indeed just that; a myth. The truth is that financial abuse can and does happen to any and all socio-economic backgrounds and is not something to take lightly. Because the truth is this type of abuse is so often hidden behind closed doors whether in a million dollar home or a hundred and thirty thousand dollar home.. it does affect all income levels. I love how she implements real true stories by people to help bring her book to life with the reality of what they have faced. We cannot shrug off or dismiss all these folks true and often crushing life altering experiences at the hands of their sabotaging abuser. Instead we must read these stories as cautionary tales and I would highly recommend anyone considering getting married to read this book so they can enter marriage with eyes wide open. Alternatively we can read these stories as sobering affirmation that yes we are not alone in financial abuse if we have already endured it ourselves, escaped and begun rebuilding our life or sadly are still in it and trying to implement a good exit plan to escape. Whatever your circumstance I can assure you this book is one worth reading as it will completely change your view of people in your life you may have shrugged off as "cheap-skate" or "tight-wad" with the very real possibility that you've been dealing with a whole lot more. ​

In her first chapter Shannon discusses the very foundation of all financial abuse which is lies. That is what all abuse and betrayal begins with, right? The abuser lies about who he or she is or what they are doing or plan to do. They lie about where they are, who they see... and if they are committing infidelity they are likely lying about their expenses as well... (like lying that the bank account is a couple hundred short due to giving his brother a loan when in reality he bought his mistress a beautiful new handbag) so we can quickly discern that a financial abuser must lie in order to commit the criminal like acts and morally ill behaviors they choose. The thing about lies is once they are told they snowball requiring more lies upon lies in order to cover up the original ones. It's such a vicious cycle and one that may be hard to uncover. Shannon talks about this and how abusers often believe the lie that all the money is theirs and they don't have to share it. (Having worked retail in the past I can attest I have witnessed firsthand husbands telling wives at the cash register all the money is theirs because they work... and even "you're spending all MY money!) Financial abusers believe that anything you have is theirs as well for the taking. They may have been married to you for thirty years but to an abuser they don't see that as owing you anything regardless of whether you're married, separated or divorced. She shares one wife's story of how her husband pressured her into buying stocks with money she had received in an inheritance but a week later they were worthless. It is so incredibly important for women to hold tightly to any inheritance they receive, keep it in separate accounts solely in their name or look into putting the money into IRA's... most importantly don't intermingle it into a joint account and be aware that if you purchase anything with it for the home or you as a couple in a divorce settlement that item could become community property... all of these scenarios need to be checked into with an attorney to find out what would suit you best. Spouses may have a hidden agenda as this one did. Why did he pressure her into buying worthless stocks? We cannot know for sure but often abusers feel threatened by their spouses gaining any chance at independence from a split at some point and if they had the savings to go rent a condo or apartment or even purchase a home the abuser won't like that possibility. So they come up with any manipulative scheme they can to get the money spent down and then they have the upper hand (power) again. Remember with a financial abuser it's often all about control and power and Shannon points out how these types are often bullying and relentless in the pressure on their targets.

Don't share any of a potential inheritance even in a good marriage as it might come back to bite you later. Keep it separate and safe. Abusers will come up with any seemingly "well-intentioned" plans to spend your money. Like re-newing your vows and having a lavish ceremony... (true story, I know someone this happened to) maybe buying that boat he or she always wanted so you can have more "family time"... or investing in some fly by night get rich quick scheme. Don't believe it couldn't happen to you. You are not the exception as people like to think. People can show their true intentions when it comes to money when they suddenly have accessto it. - Jennifer Gafford

Shannon shares how the taking advantage of family members is not uncommon among financial abusers. Because these types are always of the mindset that in life you "get what you can" it seems almost no vile scheme is off limits. They may attempt to go after grandma's life insurance plan, persuade her to change her will right before she dies (true story, I know someone who attempted this) or even make a copy of her house key and go rummage through her things to see what they can abscond with. These types are of the criminal mindset and will leave no opportunity unmet. Shannon shares how very common it is among abusers to completely cut off their spouse financially when one files for divorce. She points out how so often this very act leads to many being embarrassed in stores because their credit card or check was declined due to being cut off at the bank they have a joint account at. These abusers believe any and all funds are theirs and simply do not care that they are making their soon to be ex spouse's life that much harder as well as for any children they share. The ugly truth is this is all too common in divorce proceedings in dealing with an abuser who is of the mindset you either need to be controlled, punished or both.

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In chapter two Shannon discusses how lacking empathy is a common trait for financial abusers. We know this is true of any person who is emotionally, verbally, physically abusive as many of these types are narcissistic. Yet this also applies to those who are financial abusers. Folks who lack empathy will not feel any true remorse or guilt over making terrible even manipulative choices in regards to money or any situation tied to finances. Take taxes for example. When I was married and on year three and newly a mother having just delivered our firstborn I had no idea at the time my ex husband had not paid our income taxes for three years. He had been hiding it from me and even having the mail from the Internal Revenue Service rerouted to his mother's home address. How sneaky was that. His mother knew she was receiving mail from the IRS yet do you think she called me up and let me know? No. She enabled his behavior by hiding it from me when I had every marital, moral and legal right to know what was going on. It was Christmas 2002 when I was heading out to the grocery store and happened to see a black unmarked sedan following me. Upon exiting my vehicle the passenger of that sedan leaped out to snap my photo. It was this bewildering and unsettling incident along with receiving forwarded envelopes from the IRS right after Christmas before the new year that I knew something was very very wrong. Upon opening the envelopes right then and seeing the thousands upon thousands of dollars we owed largely due to fines and penalties I practically fell to the floor. With hands shaking I wondered how on earth we would ever re-pay all of this money owed. I should have filed for divorce right then. But instead I accompanied him to the IRS office to work out a plan to pay it back slowly but surely. (In hindsight I should have signed an innocent spouse relief form). This was also my realizing we had to sell our home and go live in a dismal rental for a couple years to enable us to get back on our feet. If I had known then he would continue to pull betraying behaviors like infidelity on top of this one I would have left immediately. But we always always think it will get better. That they will learn their lesson and finally behave. But they won't.

In chapter three Shannon discusses how abusers deny basic needs. It is often basic necessities like food, sundries, etc that they like to hold control over so you don't have access. Growing up my childhood was riddled with financial abuse. My mother was kept on a very strict grocery budget of only fifty dollars a week. Now this was to feed a family of five, mind you. That is nearly impossible especially in later years as appetites get larger due to being teens and the purchases more expensive like feminine products, makeup and hair care. My mother if she needed something for my sister's and I would have to take the money for it out of the grocery budget. There was no empathy for the tight position this put her in and with factoring in inflation it was impossible to stay ahead. When she asked for a dishwasher to be installed in the kitchen where she made homemade meals night after night the answer was no. (Years later my husband and I gave them our old dishwasher when we remodeled our kitchen and yet it was never installed. Instead it sat gathering dust in their garage. This type of behavior is all about control and punishment). When my mother asked for more counter and cabinet space for storage the answer was no. She didn't have an actual pantry and the food had to be stored in the same cabinets as the pots and pans. Thanksgiving even though she was a trooper and tiredly pushed through was a nightmare due to the lack of space to work and no dishwasher to enable cleaning up faster. Again, no empathy. When she talked of how she needed help with paying for her health insurance and then later having dental work done the answer was no. When people do a willfully poor or absent job of providing for their spouse and family (when they DO have the funds or assets to sell) they can be described as nothing more than financial abusers along with sorry pitiful excuses for human beings. Shannon describes in her book similar scenarios to what my mother, siblings and I endured growing up.... how many of the folks who submitted stories to her admitted to having to go without food, shoes, clothes and even embarrassingly enough having to ask their parents for the money to purchase feminine products. How humiliating yet sadly all too common. Many times in these situations there IS money to pay for and provide these things it's just that the money is hoarded by ONE person who controls the purse strings; or alternatively there is no money because the abuser is spending it all on gambling, alcohol, drugs, expensive and coveted collections etc. Abusers don't care if their choices negatively impact their family members as they are only worried about themselves and their own needs and wants.

There are so many forms of financial abuse and Shannon does an excellent job of exploring all the many ways in her book that abusers control through money. There are stories of husbands taking their wife's wedding ring and selling it for cash... stories of spouses racking up credit card debts in one spouse's name, instances of lying to the church pastor of how much financial abuse really occurred and then "pre-tithing" to likely sway the church toward them instead of the targeted spouse. There are the stories of hiding income so as to get out of paying child support completely or paying less than what they legally should have. There are stories of spouses who just up and decide one day to quit their job and let their spouse take on the financial responsibilities... yet they earned a hundred thousand a year and their spouse only earns thirty. You can quickly see by these varied scenarios that Shannon delves into that financial abuse takes so many forms and yet ultimately they are all destructive to spouses and their children. As Shannon continues through the book we see the opportunities for turning our life around and also protecting what we are now trying to re-build... whether that is a credit score, creating a will and trust, saving for retirement, learning how to budget... whatever it is... we each have the opportunity to completely re-evaluate our financial situation and begin making new choices solo and benefit us and not have to live under that iron clad fist of control and punishment anymore. If you have lived that way for any amount of time or still are I have to tell you that you deserve to live a life of financial freedom and not be financially abused. You are a grown adult who is very capable of making good sound choices and working from where you are to a better place.

To sum up I would highly recommend purchasing Shannon's book to read. It would make an excellent gift to that friend or daughter that may be in a financially abusive situation. It would be a great book to read during pre-marital counseling.

​I believe the completely transparent stories shared by real people and Shannon's empathetic reaction to them really sets the tone for an honest, must read book for all women and men. I have a few links included in the post to make purchasing easy including one down below. I really hope you will take the time to order this and read it as I know it was very eye opening for me. Having been a target of financial abuse myself in many forms during childhood and my marriage I can say Shannon does an excellent job of covering the details and leaving no stone un-turned. I have been following Shannon Thomas for some time now on Pinterest and Instagram and I will say she lends a very understanding and knowledgeable insight into all forms of abuse including financial. I'm so thankful she wrote this book to help educate others about the very real possibility of abuse in the form of finances and how terribly it does impact so many people behind closed doors. ​

This blog post contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you.

]]>Wed, 28 Aug 2019 04:20:56 GMThttps://www.gracepowerstrength.com/blog1/the-truth-about-men-and-lust This website contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​​

Oh my goodness, ya'll. This post is going to be a doozy, lol. I read this book by Devon Franklin titled The Truth About Men and it was so eye opening. I was honestly stunned at how honestly transparent and bare it all even if it's ugly truth he was in it regarding men in general and also specifically husbands and how they struggle with lust every single day. Read that sentence again. Every single day. I knew we as a society were in trouble but seriously after reading this book if you have boys you are raising please start praying for them daily to be the man God wants him to be if you are not already. Because we are failing boys. Fathers are failing boys. Boys are in serious trouble and don't stand a chance at being good husbands if we do not start taking the lustful behavior of men seriously and teach young boys the value of self discipline and putting sacrifice above instant self gratification. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with boys as they transition into tween then teen years and as they hit their twenties. Our future as a healthy functioning and emotionally intelligent society depends on it.

So what's the big deal, you ask? Well, it turns out that lust is an even bigger problem for men than I even thought. I guess I did not have a clue that it was a daily inner battle for all men of all ages and men who are single, married and that have been married forever and a day. Devon Franklin talks in his book about how shocked he was himself at how after his wedding and getting married he honestly assumed that he would no longer have lustful thoughts about any women and the first time one entered his mind post wedding day he was shocked; he shares how he felt terrible guilt and did not know what to do with this sinking feeling that he had somehow innocently enough failed miserably at honoring and loving his wife. He describes of how he thought all lustful thoughts would automatically shut off post wedding and had struggled with wondering how on earth while growing up his own father had crushingly cheated on his mother with another female family member... something that hurt him terribly and that lead him to the path he took with writing this book. He was tired of seeing all his female family members speak of the pain they were enduring while in their intimate relationships and being hurt by men who would not stay faithful. He wanted what he has learned through his own life experience to help other men open their eyes to what men are being shamefully silent about and not discussing yet that desperately needs to be talked openly about and brought out of the shadows and into the light where it cannot hide any longer. I could literally feel his pain and hurt as he described how impacting his father's infidelity was on his childhood, his upbringing, his view of women and relationships and how men must strive to do better. I applaud that he is writing with such transparency and letting women into the reality of men. ​

Devon shares how he knew going into his own marriage to his wife Meagan that if he was not self-disciplined during the time they dated (meaning choosing celibacy and not giving into lustful self gratification with her but instead choosing sacrifice and true Godly love and discipline) that there was no way he would be able to hold himself to that standard once they were married. I really love that point and how honest he is in this book. There were some things I did not like that he said (I'll get to those in a bit) and that I do not agree with but I did really appreciate his total transparency and being so forthright. I agree that if a man we're dating is not disciplined during the courtship he will not be during the marriage. I believe this is so incredibly important and a character trait that women need to look for and would greatly benefit from as it gives her a greater feeling of security and trust with him. I believe if more men were willing to wait and sacrifice and not rush everything physically during dating then more marriages would be successful. I believe that men want to lead but often what ends up happening is they are not disciplined and instead of leading their girlfriend and potential wife into a garden of fruit (and life) they are instead leading her to the bedroom and a outcome of sin and decay.

In his book Devon writes of how men need to be self disciplined and like anything must put that into action. If he's tempted with the guys because they frequent strip clubs then he needs new friends. Duh. He talks of how if men are tempted by the bar on the way home from work and possibly meeting women then he needs to find a new route to drive home. Duh again. He recommends that if men are tempted to cheat on their wife when traveling for work he needs accountability like his wife needs to travel with him or a good trusted male friend or co-worker that is a good influence. Basically men need to take their routine into account and who they associate with and if there are red flags there that means they need to make adjustments or outright changes to help them become better equipped to stay strong and turn their back on lust and temptation. All of this stands to reason and makes so much logical sense. I believe the BIGGEST question is will most men do these things? I don't know... if they are smart they will. If they value their wife they will. If they are emotionally healthy they will. But if they have any sort of self identity issues, self loathing and worthlessness hiding inside them they probably won't. Why? Because men who don't feel good about themselves and feel the need for an ego boost to feel better however fleeting likely won't make the necessary changes they need to make. Instead it's easier to blame their wife for not doing x,y,z or whatever to stroke their ego and cheat. Ridiculous? Yes. Unrealistic? No.

I took issue with his book in which he discusses why wives need to check in with their husbands during the day. That husbands need that connection and reminder that you're there; that amidst the pressures he is enduring at work during his work day you are his soft spot and there for him. I felt like Devon kind of makes it partly the wife's responsibility here that if she's not doing this that she's easily forgotten by him during his work day and then the husband might be more susceptible to cheating if she's not checking in. That may or may not have been his intention but that is how I read it and understood it. If that is how he meant for it to be conveyed then I have issue with it. I definitely think it's okay for husbands and wives to check in during the day once and make sure everything is okay, let them know you're thinking of them and touch base if there's anything needed on the way home for dinner, or plans for the kids etc. Like I wrote, one check in a day for me would have been plenty. But maybe I was a low key wife and didn't need a lot of reassurance etc. Some husbands and wives require much more interaction. You have to do what works best for your personal situation. For me, I don't require much in terms of touching base during a work day. This was an issue in my own marriage. He wanted a lot more interaction. He wanted me texting, calling and coming by his work regularly. I refused. I was busy with either working part time, tending to the kids, chauffeuring kids to and from school, shopping, decorating our home, doing crafts (scrapbooks for the kids) cooking, baking, cleaning the home, gardening etc. Some days I just wanted a mini break and quiet time at home to relax and regroup. I am usually very happy and content in my element and once deeply delved into what I'm doing I become super hyper focused. I found any massaging of ego an interruption and did not fare well in this aspect of marriage. I was very much of the attitude "you do your thing, I'll do mine and we can catch up tonight!". I firmly believe marriage is a joining of two lives and at the end of the day sharing those individual separate experiences first gives each other space and breathing room and then ultimately brings you closer together. Unfortunately if you're not paired well in this area (one is prone to feeling stifled and is dismissive attachment and the other one is anxious attachment) it has the potential to become a huge source of contention which it did. He kept pushing for more interaction and I pushed back. (I see this behavior as too needy for me personally and I still stand by that). I really did not see an issue with my stance and honestly I think if you are paired well it works. But if you're not major problems ensue and unfortunately the wife is typically the one who is expected to bend and change and if you don't the marriage fails. I think basically it comes down to we must be paired well and both spouses must be VERY secure in who they are and not require ANY self worth or ego boost from their spouse. If we can live out our marriage without projecting the responsibility of our own loyal behavior onto our partner we will be successful in our love life. I don't believe wives or husbands are responsible for their partners fidelity or infidelity... we must take personal ownership of ourselves and our own actions and also self discipline ourselves. Because when we don't do this and instead try to fling it off onto the one we supposedly love we end up going into the arena of narcissism and that is not a pretty place to be at all.

And narcissism leads me to this next part. Man is always wanting what he wants. That is the narcissistic ego within that is hungry and wants to be fed NOW! We know the possible perils of instant gratification. Man has wants and desires and Devon talks of how every man has a dog within. That's basically the premise of his entire book; the dog within each man that struggles with being mastered or just allowed to play and get into trouble. He talks how all men must be the master of the dog within him or else he risks being controlled by the dog and the dog will run all over his yard and yikes... likely get loose. He must set up a fence of protection around his yard to keep other pretty dogs out (other women besides his wife) and get disciplined. He speaks on how men are possibly self disciplined in other areas like fitness and healthy eating and work and deadlines but then when it comes to containing his lustful behavior he falls short... in fact, he likely doesn't even have a plan! And we know by the high rate of infidelity and divorce that having zero plan puts couples at an extremely high risk of failing and splitting up including hurting their family dynamic meaning children. Devon talks of how husbands must get their priorities straight and realize that if he truly values what he's built with his wife he will slow down and take note of that when he feels tempted. He says very clearly that if you feel tempted you need to take an honest look at how your wife will react if she discovers you've been disloyal. The truth is you may not even be given a chance to explain. That is the honest to goodness truth. Not every man does. Some men come home to find their clothes strewn on the yard, the door locks changed and a call to his mother about what he's done. Some men get served at work in front of all their co-workers and humiliated. Some men walk out of work to find a sticky note saying 'don't come home, I hope she was worth it' stuck to their windshield. Bottom line is when deep hurts happen and emotions are high don't (and cannot) expect rational conversation and patient waiting for explanations from a wife. You likely won't get that. Likely the next time your phone rings it will be your spouse's attorney with what she's demanding in a settlement. So when it's stressed to you as a husband you need to have a plan put in place to prevent infidelity from ever taking place in your marriage I say it so incredibly seriously as Devon does as well in his book. It's vital. You must believe this like your life depends on it. Because it does.

So really I appreciate Devon's honesty in his book and it gives women who haven't married yet a very clear expectation of this is what men are like and if you do not feel comfortable signing the dotted line and taking the risk that he may cheat I cannot say I blame you. If you want a life remiss of any pain, hurt and risk of being cheated on and betrayed you still have options. You can stay single, you can have a baby via the sperm bank and just bypass all the potential destruction a man may bring into your life. (I am fully aware that some wives do cheat but that's a post for another time). For women I believe it's better to have read this book however much we may not like the reality of it and at least be able to move forward more informed that we were previously. In that... cheers to us and whichever path we choose may we pray to God that it's a good one.

To sum up... what men and women need to know is that men will never become immune to the inner battle of lust and wanting to have a woman they should not pursue because they are already in a committed relationship or married. They must fight this every day. Yet they must take personal responsibility and not fling off their issues onto their partner. That is not acceptable. A wife CAN be supportive (if she so chooses) and check in on him (within reason and within her nature) and try to keep those lines of communication open... but only within what she can do. Ultimately it's on HIM. ​

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]]>Thu, 22 Aug 2019 06:34:38 GMThttps://www.gracepowerstrength.com/blog1/book-review-of-feeling-good-the-new-mood-therapy-by-david-d-burns-md This website contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​

So I had bought this book Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D., years ago after the death of my sister along with a multitude of other books to help myself cope with the initial depressing phase in the enormous loss of her and to help myself; I believe this enabled me to however in delusion find a sense of control over the situation since I clearly in reality had none and needed to do whatever it took to feel better. Taking control and reading as a way to gain insight to help myself was one way to move forward in my healing and recovery process of which I say loosely because I believe whenever we lose someone we love in death or in life we never fully recover; we may get better but never revert to who we were before the trauma occurred. How could we?

Anyways, I recently unearthed this book from a box in storage and added it to my bookshelf of books and decided to skim through it again. After taking some time to read through it I thought it would make an excellent book to write about in a blog post. I hope you find it helpful and of value. I believe there are many good points in this book and really find much of it interesting. Every doctor, psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, etc has their own philosophies on human behavior and the why's or whatever behind it. Everyone has a professional opinion that may vary from one to another. Heck, every one in general has an opinion. I take these books with a mindset of what speaks to me and what do I find of value and what do I not agree with and find ridiculous. This book as I read it delivered both responses for me which I'll outline below and why.

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In his book David Burns talks of depression and even gives a quiz you can take at the beginning of the book to help self evaluate your depressive symptoms and of what severity they are. He touches on Dysthymia which is a milder typically life long depression that is extremely tricky to treat and perhaps more so than full on depression. Dysthymia is a melancholy that someone just can't seem to shake no matter what they do to attempt to improve their life. In that there is help with eradicating self defeating thoughts and how to take hold of them and write a new script and outcome for yourself. Additionally there are medications that can help people who suffer from this type of depression or any depression for that matter live better. Treatments of all kinds for depression are delved into in this book and covered extensively.

He touches briefly on singleness and how often folks who find themselves single either by choice being dumped or divorced do have the choice to make their life better. He talks of how so often single people of both genders are guilty of staying in their busy routine during the weekdays such as getting up, getting ready for work, commuting and then working all day to come home and be busy with preparing dinner, maybe watching one television show and going to bed only to get up and do it all over again the next day; this gives them structure and a planned schedule. Nothing unusual about that except when it comes to the weekend arriving often single folks find themselves in bed all day in a funk or moving from the bed to the couch to the fridge and back to the couch both Saturday and Sunday only to wake up Monday and realize they have absolutely nothing fun to show for their time off. This is a common trap for single people to fall into and before they know it weeks, months, even years have passed by and they have zero memories or fun to look back on. Basically, life is short and much too short to spend lying on the couch with a marathon of movies and empty candy wrappers or a regretful now empty carton of ice cream. He talks of how this mindless cycle continues to happen due to the inaction of planning on our part. He said single people need to plan their weekends ahead of time and map out what they plan to do so they are not falling self victim to lying around on their days off and wasting quality time they could be using in a personally rewarding, joyful, entertaining way.

Burns also explains how so often when people are divorced or find themselves single they (and often society in general, let's be real here) believe being single to be a curse of some sort. Which of course is so far from true! Yet often both genders begin to see being single as something to overcome and be ashamed of. Burns instead delves into how single people can view being single as a huge plus in life because it enables them to live fully without the hindrance of someone else and not feel like an appendage to them. He discusses how it's so important for people to realize that they can view love and being in love with someone as a want not a need. It's so true. The book explores how so often we believe happiness if not attainable unless we have a partner first... which leads to a big ole case of dependency. Not healthy at all. We often think of love as something we must have in order to live a happy well adjusted successful life yet that is just not the case. It goes back to the false ideology that we all need someone to complete us when in reality we each are already a whole. When we view being single as a negative in life we end up experiencing feelings of self pity and resentment and tie our total self worth into being with someone. Tying our self worth into needing to have someone means also holding a negative self image about ourselves and never truly living freely.

Speaking of what we deserve that is related to Chapter 7. If you caught my Instagram post on this book you likely noticed I mentioned I did not care for Chapter 7. I believe if you're going to order this book and read it much positive insight can be gained from 90% of the book. However, I believe Chapter 7 is that exception. I had issue with it because it basically states that if you had a spouse that cheated you could test out the reward system on them to see if it turns their behavior from negative toward you to positive. I just don't believe we should use a reward system to woo a spouse back to us after infidelity. I believe it's perfectly acceptable to just cut your losses and move on quickly and swiftly. I do not understand why you would want them to begin with if you've already established that they are not trust worthy individuals. I read that Burns believes if you are angry by a spouse's betrayal and believe the statement of "He SHOULD have behaved himself! He SHOULD have been loyal!" or "He SHOULD have treated me better!" that you are dealing with an entitlement issue because you are operating from a "SHOULD" mindset and believe everyone's actions toward you should always be fair in life and if they are not you will not cope well and ultimately suffer greatly in this cycle of anger you cannot shake. First of all, I call bs. I mean, come on! So you're an entitled person if you expect your spouse to be loyal to you after they recited their vows before a pastor, witnesses and God Himself? I don't believe that for a second. Chapter 7 was the one that really rubbed me the wrong way and I seriously find it damaging to those that have endured infidelity and unfortunately have in that also questioned their own abilities as a partner when in reality their cheating spouse is fully responsible for any and all infidelity. I totally get that in a way Burns is likely saying it's not healthy to go around with all that anger pent up inside about what our spouse did so we need to let go... but in that I believe we can give ourselves a soft spot to fall in our healing, go no contact with our ex (or limited if there are children to finish raising and keep communication professional) and move on swiftly. Grace and forgiveness is a personal choice for each person to choose and I don't believe we can make that decision for them. I will briefly state though that if you do choose to forgive your spouse for infidelity it's often for yourself so you can live peacefully not so much about your ex... and yet in THAT (lol) I will say likely if your ex cheated they probably didn't ask for forgiveness or are truly repentant... (at least a large percentage of them; most are just sorry they got caught) so perhaps we can use our time and energy used in beating ourselves up for not forgiving them we could have used it in a more positive way to find healing and inner peace through meditation, yoga, therapy, hobbies, etc.

I believe this book Feeling Good has many positive and insightful points and can definitely be used to help bring more clarity to challenging life circumstances in general but also specifically to those that are single and want better ways to cope and live well. As someone who has been divorced seven years now and can attest that healing from heartbreak takes time, effort and patience... I would highly suggest helping yourself recover in any way you can that proves to be insightful, genuine and compassionate.

This website contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​

]]>Thu, 01 Aug 2019 05:00:00 GMThttps://www.gracepowerstrength.com/blog1/best-book-on-toxic-relationships This post contains affiliate links which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​​​​

Ya'll... I'm always trying to find new books to read that will give me more insight into toxic relationships, divorce and recovery. I think it's so important to learn as much as we can... but in that we've got to put into action what we learn so we can lead a better more fulfilling, peaceful and happier life.

Bill Eddy breaks down one of the major red flags of a person who is a high conflict individual. Now, of course remember that a high conflict person could be anyone... a co-worker, a parent, a extended family member you try to avoid most of the year except when you're stuck at the same dinner table come Thanksgiving Day... or a boss, sibling or yes, even a partner or spouse. One major red flag of a high conflict individual is someone who operates from all or nothing thinking. I can relate to this from my childhood and what I experienced growing up. A narcissistic high conflict parent may be very rigid in the ways they think and behave and sadly that affects the way that they parent their children. You may remember a parent telling you statements like "It's my way or the highway!" or even "Children should be seen and not heard!" Yikes. Like, that mindset is NOT going to be conducive to working well with a partner or raising children for sure. It's like they set themselves up for failure and yet these types of people do not want to change or are not willing to.

When a narcissistic high conflict parent tells their child "My way or the highway!" or "Children should be seen not heard!" they are teaching their child they are in charge yes, but also that shuts down any and all communication. Children want more than almost anything to be seen and heard and that often translates to feeling loved. If they want to be heard they won't be in this type of toxic setting.The parent is a dominating figure not someone that has openness and a authentic dialogue with their children that encourages genuine rapport, mutual respect and dignity. They may threaten the child that if they do not do what they want (these parental types want compliance above anything else. Think dictatorship) there will be harsh and severe punishments which may even include the silent treatment, intimidation tactics (breaking things, punching the wall, driving recklessly), physical abuse, and more. These parents are so incredibly rigid there is no room for discussion, ideas, or feelings to be shared. They simply don't want to hear it. The child in turn feels shut down, rejected, shamed, small and unworthy. The parent feels powerful, big, victorious, right, etc. This is no way to parent and certainly not positively. But a high conflict parent is not capable of changing and becoming the parent their child or children need. Sadly, this pattern typically continues or worsens as the child becomes an adult and at some point in time the grown child will have to make a choice; to stay or leave. That choice will be defining in their life likely after decades of abuse and will either lead them to staying in the chaos or choosing to bravely step away and living in peace and personal freedom.

Billy Eddy also explores how high conflict personalities always have a superior mindset and attitude. They truly believe themselves to be superior to others and always always entitled to special treatment by others in life. They do not believe the typical rules most of us follow in life to keep society humming along smoothly and well apply to them.... instead they think they can do anything they wish and without consequence. They may cut you off in traffic, they may steal your creative ideas at work, they may choose to not pay their taxes. They believe people who follow the rules in life are stupid and by contrast they are so much smarter. High conflict personality people always lack empathy.... this being one of their trademark signs. They are likely the ones who are brusque with the cashier. demanding with the server, rude to the valet. It's these types of scenarios that make others around them cringe and especially if you find yourself married to one and are continually trying to play the peacemaker, the calmer-downer or just wanting to disappear from utter and pure red faced embarrassment. I completely understand all that... I've been there and it is undoubtedly not a fun or peaceful way to live.

Last, to sum up... one major red flag of someone who is a high conflict personality Bill Eddy says to look at blame. An empathetic person often blames themselves for choosing someone who is a high conflict personality to be their spouse or partner or it's balanced view of blame... they realize they chose a toxic partner (even though likely the toxic partner showed a facade and tried to hide who they really were) but also see that the partner should take responsibility for their own behavior and how they treat others (which they don't) and that if the high conflict partner had been a loyal, honest person the abusive relationship/marriage, betrayal and ensuing divorce wouldn't have likely occurred to begin with. the spouse may even feel residual self blame and blame toward the high conflict partner post divorce as they try to cope with feelings of sadness, depression, anger, resentment and then in moving forward in living well and recovering financially and emotionally. This stands to reason as divorce especially from a high conflict individual is not an easy road and usually takes much effort, time and patience. However, a high conflict person doesn't take any responsibility and instead actually blames the spouse, etc. They blame their spouse that they "had to cheat". They blame their spouse for divorcing them even when they weren't loyal or were even downright abusive. The problem is the blame seems to grow as the high conflict person spreads ugly untruths about their partner in the midst of a divorce (what we call a smear campaign) and actually fuels the fire and encourages others to join in (think of the schoolyard bully inciting more to join in the taunting and pushing of a targeted child) and blame the targeted spouse (whereas if the high conflict's spouse speaks out about their circumstance or shares the truth they are merely sharing their story in hopes of helping others and raise awareness for others experiencing similar yet simultaneously keeping their distance from their ex). This is much more common than we may even realize in the midst of divorcing someone high conflict and so often why spouses of these types must either block their ex on social media or just leave it entirely. Because the circle of people they gather up (through lies about their ex) to help in the lies, blame and abuse either through trolling, stalking or sending messages, etc online (Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest) is a major problem for those trying to get untangled from someone who is high conflict. The phrase "high conflict" is there for a reason; these people thrive on it and creating tension, stress and confusion and absolutely live for it.

I hope this post helps you in learning a bit more about high conflict people and a few of the signs. I will say though this blog post just barely touches the surface of everything Bill Eddy covers in his book and his details along with stories of individuals highlighted in his book help give more clarity in showing the full affect high conflict people can and do have on others lives. It is really imperative to keep these types out of our life or at minimum (no contact) or at least have boundaries set in place to keep their damage or interactions to a minimum. The only way we can find true peace and happiness in our life is to actively be the gatekeeper and do it in a way that is for our own good and our family. if you'd like to read Bill Eddy's book 5 People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High Conflict Personalities I would highly recommend it and it's available through amazon. ​

This post contains affiliate links which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​​​​

This post contains affiliate links which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​​​

If you know me you know I'm a huge Bachelorette...(and Bachelor) fan! I know, I know, some folks see it as just fluff and nonsense and unneeded drama but it's great escape tv and I love observing people in relationships and the different dynamics. I am SO EXCITED about tonight's episode, ya'll. Every Monday night there is a new episode my mom and I watch together and make it a fun night... it's our weekly ritual. Sometimes I buy something special like a mini cake or bake a batch of brownies... or pick up some take out. Regardless, like all of bachelorette fans (instagram page here) all bets are off on being out and about Monday nights... I am glued to the tv like a bug on gum haha. Tuesday nights we re-watch it again via Hulu (which I love and has been such a great purchase) and have in-depth discussions because watching it commercial free is like the best thing ever with no distractions haha.

So far this fifteenth season with Hannah Brown has been my absolute favorite because she is so down to earth and handles everything with so much grace and class. I know this whole process has to be emotionally charged at times and yet she continues to hold it together and keep moving forward even when she might want to quit. I love her fun personality and think she's so relatable in many ways... she can be serious and funny and thoughtful... she's very multi-faceted. I love her fun energy and think she's the kind of bestie most girls or women want as their fellow cheerleader in life.

So one of the final men we have is Jed from Tennessee. At first at the beginning of the season looks wise Jed and Garrett were my top picks in the LOOKS category. Garrett was my favorite (and my moms) of the season and who I wanted to be the front runner but sadly Hannah let him go a couple episodes back. I thought he was a solid guy and totally marriage material. But back to our final men... Jed is very focused on his growing career which is great yet I believe this could be potential conflict with any interest he may have in Hannah. I believe putting in the time and work to grow his career is going to take insane amounts of time, energy and focus. When you are trying to do that it's very difficult to also include a partner in your life and make time for them. You end up doing both sub par and both suffer. Hannah and Jed's on screen interactions haven't had as much depth as I would have personally liked. I would personally feel the need for more unprompted sharing of feelings by him. I was disappointed by Jed's hometown family visit with Hannah as it didn't seem to go as well as I would have hoped for.

Next on the final men is Peter. He is a pilot... which honestly personally gives me instant anxiety and makes me want to run for the hills. I always picture some future plane crash because of some failure or human error. I wouldn't have kept him this long purely based on his career. I see it as high risk behavior... same as motorcycles and bungee jumping. But that's just me. Some women love it. We each have to decide what works for us personally. Anyways... I didn't like the fact during the hometown date Hannah discovers a condom in his car. I mean, I guess that's great he's got insurance haha but it's also like ummm... yeah, I couldn't deal with that. I think Hannah connects with Peter on a emotional level and I think he's insanely attracted to her but I also know she's very down to earth (which I love) and he has a higher level of living. I would personally worry about that vast difference and would eliminate him because of it.

Next up is Tyler who lives in Florida. He is in construction and would be my second runner up pick after Garrett. I like his easy fun personality and yet he appears to be thoughtful and caring. He's in great shape and takes really good care of himself. I believe that Hannah and Tyler share a very strong physical attraction with each other which can be a good thing IF the emotional connection is there too. I think they are compatible in many ways and come from similar values and backgrounds which could really help them work.

Last but not least Luke is in the final round of men. My shock and gut wrenching reaction was at the very beginning of the season when he informed Hannah he was falling in love with her when he'd barely met her. You guys. Um, major major red flag. Like drop everything and run far away. If you know anything about me I believe "instant love" to be one of the major first red flags of dating anyone and them telling you they love you or want to marry you upon meeting you and the first few dates. I personally couldn't move forward with that. I personally would have eliminated him night one or latest night two but Hannah has feelings for him and so much has happened regarding Luke and the other men during the season that it's got to be tough wading through all that. So tonight I believe she tells him adios. To read more about Hannah & Luke you can read this article posted on usatoday.com

I cannot wait for the episode tonight and see who goes home... it should be pretzel popping, popcorn crunching good, haha. You know I'll be on the couch watching and waiting to see who she gives a rose to and who gets sent home packing. If you're obsessed with the world of the Bachelor Nation check out this book on amazon because it looks like a juicy read! I may have to read this one!

Bachelorette night wouldn't be complete without snacks to munch on while watching so here are a few easy options that are my favorites(I have a serious Flipz addiction and need an intervention stat, haha) I buy via amazon... for the next time you have your girlfriends or daughters friends over to watch! ​

This post contains affiliate links which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​​​