Monday, December 13, 2010

I know it's been FOREVER and you've really, really missed me. My life has been in disarray. I've had many parties to attend and Weight Watchers unveiled a brand new plan so it has been a tumultuous time! But let's review, shall we?

Today: I did a bit of foraging. My coworker Andrea brought in cupcakes. I ate one.

Yesterday, Sunday: I woke up at noon. I watched 5 hours of tv. I discovered that I had no hot water. I knocked on my neighbor's door. She didn't have hot water either, but she DID have homemade brownies (from a mix). I ate one.

Saturday: My sister's roommate Molly took me out to dinner, along with my sister Katie and a couple of Molly's friends. We went to the Tribeca Grill. No Robert sightings, but I did get a sighting--and taste--of really good free food. I ate a jumbo crabcake, braised short ribs, mashed potatoes, spinach, creme brulee, a pear cake, and chocolate cake. Yeah, I was hungry. Judge me. I also drank red wine, champagne, and coffee. Being free made it taste better, for sure.

Friday: This was a night to end nights. First, my dentist had a holiday open house. I was DYING to go because what the heck will a dentist serve at an open house??? Either sugar free mints or conversely salt water taffy that gets stuck in your teeth so you need more cleanings! I decided to stop by for a half hour before I went to my friend Paul's comedy show at UCB. I figured no one would be there, I'd get a snack and a cocktail, and I'd be on my merry way.

Well, how WRONG I was. The dentist open house was packed. And as my dentist is in Chelsea there was a large population of foreign, tall, gay men.

And cocktails and food!

I went to pour myself champagne, and this woman grabbed the bottle from me. "I'll get that for you."

Okay cool! Pour away!

The office was cramped and it was hard to move around, but I did manage to snap a couple pictures of the food selection. Call me Captain Courageous.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

As you know I have started online dating so I could score some free food. I also want to be held and maybe fall in love, but it's mainly all about the food. So I was excited to go on a date with 31 year old Chef Boyardee from suredevil.com. Chef Boyardee was adorable and funny, and one of his favorite books was Devil in the White City by Erik Larson, which is also one of my favorite books, even though it is about young women who get murdered in a big city! Chef and I had planned to get together for drinks before Thanksgiving, but those plans fell through so we decided to meet for coffee in Union Square on Saturday afternoon. "Just let me know when and where!" I e-mailed on Wednesday.

Well, Saturday came along and I had not heard from Chef yet. I wasn't sweating it because I had eaten so much free food and drank so much free booze during the week that at this point the coffee would have been extra credit. So I texted him at 11:30 and then shortly after left for my sports conditioning class at the gym. I brought a change of clothes so I could shower and hop on the subway afterwards.

I checked my phone at 1:30 after the class finished. Still no text from Chef Boyardee. F it, I thought. I'll just stay for Zumba!

As I rhumba'ed and cha-cha'ed as only a white girl can (meaning, not gracefully) I pondered what I would order at the not yet determined coffeeshop. Maybe I'll spring for one of those expensive peppermint lattes and a chocolate biscotti. Maybe I'll nibble on a blueberry scone. I salivated.

After zumba . . . still no text. Chef Boyardee was virtually standing me up! I was really counting on a free coffee!

But I am an independent woman, just like Beyonce, so I bought my own coffee at Dunkin Donuts along with those super amazing pancake-covered sausages. Yeah, they are to die for. And then I thought, Liz, you deserve a cupcake! So I bought a strawberry one at a nearby bakery.

I got home, showered, and decided it was over between Chef Boyardee and me. I ate a quick dinner and then went to a party at my friend's apartment where I proceeded to drink free beer and eat delicious potato latkes. L'chaim!

Monday, November 22, 2010

You know what I love the most about New York City, besides the low cost of living?

I love the people on the subway!

Let me explain.

This morning I made my usual transfer. It is always crowded and a bit loud but I usually deal with it because it's only 2 stops. But there was a dude playing VENGA Boys from his radio without headphones. As in, the entire train had to suffer through such lyrics as:

Boom boom boom boomI want you in my roomLet's spend the night togetherFrom now until forever

Now, I'm not afraid of anyone but as I said I usually let these things go because it is not worth fighting in the morning. But then the train got stuck between two stops and I could not take it anymore.

So I asked the guy to turn off his music.

Well, this is when you know chivalry is alive and well! The man--let's call him Guy LaDouche, or just Douche for short--proceeded to tell me that I should just mind my f---ing business and go back to reading my paper. No one else was complaining about his music, he noted.

Well, I replied, glad to see you have manners. Nice to see you are so respectful. Bring your headphones next time!

I hear crickets in the rest of the subway car. No one had my back.

Now, I was not scared at all, but I was pissed. And a ferocious Liz is as dangerous as, well, I'd like to think Inigo Montoya but as much as I love my father I probably wouldn't kill a 6 finger man to avenge his death.

Then Douche became a gentleman:"You know, it doesn't matter what you say, because you're going to be working for me soon on 42nd Street selling that ass."

I was speechless, and also strangely flattered. He thought that I could make a living as a prostitute? Hey, I'll take it!

One man stood up for me at that point but I had enough and like Count Tyrone Rogen I fled the scene and switched subway cars.

You know what's more fun than the subway? Dating!

Wow, this brave new world of Internet Dating is a bit demoralizing but also kind of awesome because I get free drinks and food! I abstained for a long time but I realized I ain't getting any younger, I work in an office where straight men are as rare as unicorns, and I eat Lean Cuisines 3 times a week. I don't have a cat and I'm ADORABLE but I do fear becoming one of those New York City Single Woman cliches where I have girls nights watching My So Called Life and I order cosmopolitans or worse yet a skinny girl margarita and I hate all my pregnant/new mother friends. I can't let this happen. So I swallowed my pride and joined a dating website. Woohoo!

When I last spoke with you, my faithful weekly readers, I mentioned a date with Angelo. We drank wine and ate sliders and pigs in a blanket. The following night I went out with Joe, a tall 35 year old Asian man. He had suggested we get "wine and crepes" at some bar in the Village. Now, I love wine as much as the next person but I think it's so funny when these dudes are all, "Let's get wine!" like it makes them appear more cultured. I like beer! Anyway, I met Joe at the bar and I ordered a glass of pinot noir. When the server came by a half hour later, I was all, Joe, let's get a bottle! But he's all, no, just get you own glass. He didn't say this in a mean way. So I ordered another glass and I'm thinking to myself, where are these crepes he promised? And the waitress comes over AGAIN and Joe's all, we're all set! And I'm thinking, no, this girl wants a crepe with Nutella! But I also wanted to pee so I let it go. Hey, 2 glasses of wine ain't bad.

The best/most shocking part??? Both dudes want to see me again! Which is fine till I actually tell them my last name and then they google me and see that I wrote about the food and drinks they bought me. Eek!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I am so happy I live in this time and era. It allows me to be self absorbed, shallow, and entitled! I have the most interesting things to say! Let me tell you what I ate on Facebook! Do you know I run marathons? Don't I look like I'm having so much fun with all my fabulous friends in this picture?

Sure, our grandparents lived during the Greatest Generation, but we live during the "Can You Believe that person wore THAT outfit on the subway? No, don't believe me? Well, let me post their picture on Facebook so we can mock them!" generation.

This is why our grandpas fought in Guadalcanal!

Now, I am absolutely not calling the kettle black, especially I like pots. I mean . . . I write a blog about my trivial pursuit of free food.

For a yellow piece of the pie can you tell me who invented Cobb Salad?

I know that everyone, especially my 4 readers, want to know about my life, especially since I have not written in almost a month. The horror, the horror!

But I have to tell you about a traumatic experience that I endured in my quest for free food.

I went on my first ever Internet date.

People who know me have the privilege of hearing me whine. I haaaaaate being single! I want a boooooyfriend, but I also really want to stay home and catch up on my DVR! I need to see what is happening on the A-List and Real Housewives of Atlanta!

Unfortunately, I recently learned that discussing Hoarders is no way to attract a good mate, so I decided to, gasp, join a dating site, let's call it suredevil.com.

A 35 year old, 6'1 European man (which could mean 5'3 and a leprechaun, you never know) e-mailed me saying he wanted to go running with me. I'm all, hells no, I want a drink! Well, he must have read my mind because he started instant messaging me and we made plans to meet at a bar in the Village. I agonized all day and passed his name and number to several colleagues in case I did not return to work the next day. What can I say, I watch too much 48 Hours Mystery.

So I met Angelo (not his real name nor nationality!) at a bar in the Village. He was 6'1 and European, to my knowledge, unless he was faking his accent. I ordered a glass of pinot noir which made me feel very adult and mature. Thank you Sideways! We talked about awkward Internet dating things . . . our families, jobs, what we want out of life. He ordered sliders and mini hot dogs, although I'm sure they were called something fancy like Frankfurters en a baguette. I didn't look at the menu. Surprisingly, I did not drink my wine too fast and I only ordered one more glass, and he got a club soda. I don't judge. We finished up, he paid, and he walked me to the subway. We did the two kiss on the cheek thing--he's European, in case you didn't know--and made tentative plans to meet again. Why not? I want a whole dinner the next time.

So I survived and my pride is somewhat still intact. And to all my married friends who are so jealous that I get to do this, divorce your husbands and try it for yourself!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Cupcakes are probably my favorite food. That and pizza. I just wish they were bigger! Today I ate 2 free Baked by Melissa cupcakes which are the size of a quarter, but they cost a dollar! Only in New York kids. I could seriously eat a dozen in 5 minutes (which I have done). Thank God somebody else usually pays for them.

I'm trying to be a dedicated Weight Watcher so I ate one pumpkin one and one mint one. So so good even if they are overpriced!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Unless, of course, it is a Hershey Kiss. Then it is a delicious chocolate. A very simple but very awesome chocolate. And I ate two of them today for free!

While my bounty was sparse today, my weekend was a banquet. I went to Philly for a family birthday party, and I ate lots and lots of free food, though no TastyKakes or pretzels. What's up with that??? Travesty I tell you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I grew up with the Baby-sitters Club. I always liked Kristy Thomas and Mary Ann Spiers the best because they were nerdy like me. Claudia Kishi and Stacey McGill--who was from NEW YORK--were too cool for school and intimidated me.

Flash forward 20 years and I still think Claud and Stacey are awesome, but I realize I'm more like them than I thought. I live in New York like Stacey (but without permed hair and diabetes).

And I LOVE junk food like Claudia!

While I am a great speller (knock on wood) I actually identify a lot with Claudia. I may not dress as wild as she did, and I don't read Nancy Drew mysteries, but I do keep a stash of candy and sweets at my desk at work. I don't hoard it--that would be gross--but everyone knows to bring me any extra cupcakes or pizza, which happened today! I scored some organic pizza and a Crumbs cupcake . . . so delicious!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I love food. I love it when it is cheap. I love it even more when it is free, hence this brilliant blog!

But you know what would be awesome? If there was a real life Everlasting Gobstopper where I could suck on one candy and enjoy a banquet of roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy, and heck, blueberry pie. And I don't even like blueberry pie!

Alas, there is no such thing as an Everlasting Gobstopper, so today I settled for a free pack of mini Gobstoppers. They're actually pretty tasty, though they didn't change colors as much I remember!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Mondays are tough. But not when there is a big meeting and lost of leftover food! Today I ate a curry chicken wrap, Ceasar salad, and 3 cookies. One had walnuts--boooo! Shame on whoever ordered them. But I will live.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

At any rate today was a bizarro day. New York Sports Club was celebrating their 36th birthday, and subsequently all the gyms were offering treats. And by treats I mean free food. So at lunchtime I ran over to the NYSC near my office to eat some (organic) pizza and toast with Nutella. After work I returned to actually workout . . . but what a wonderful surprise that they offered wrap sandwiches, fake buffalo chicken, and smoothie samples! And then after toning my hot bod, I ate a piece of cake! Woohoo!

I'll admit the sample sizes were not my usual size (ie they were what Arnold is to Willis, RIP Gary Coleman) but they were still free! Victory!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Baked by Melissa is a lil company that makes cupcakes the size of a quarter but which probably cost a lot more. This is New York people. And how my old Boston self would hate that I wrote such a smug sentence as "This is New York people." Ugh! Internal debate.

At any rate, there were some Baked by Melissa cupcakes floating around and I ate the following flavors:

mint chocolate chiptie dyePeanut butter cupCinnamonNew York Cream

Cinnamon was my surprising favorite and NY cream was my least favorite. I guess I was not in an empire state of mind?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Your girl Liz has been very, very stressed lately. Sure, work has been busy, but what's been really making me crazy is that I'm so behind on all my shows. I have been DVRing Rubicon because I ADORE James Badge Dale after his turn as Robert Leckie on HBO's The Pacific, but it was waaaaaay too conspiracy theory and confusing for me. So I gave it up and deleted 5 episodes from my DVR. I felt like I was clearing out my digital hoard, which is what I like to do when Hoarders is back on air--and I'm 2 episodes behind on that show. Eek! Life is hard!

So to relieve the absolute HORROR that is my life I have been eating lots of free desserts! And what an amazing coincidence that today was Free Dessert Day to celebrate the premiere of Bravo's new show Top Chef: Just Desserts! Hundred of restaurants and bakeries (I'm making this # up, could have been more, could have been less, I'm too lazy to fact check. This is a one woman operation here children! I don't have any interns!) throughout the city offered free sweets to salivating citizens. Like the alliteration, eh? I grabbed a couple wimpy brownie pieces from a place near my office but the BEST part was that from 6 to 8pm a dessert TRUCK was parked outside my building. So at 6:15 I packed up my bag at the office so I could go to the gym. I figured I'd stop at the truck on the way and grab a mini cupcake or whatever they were offering. My expectations were not high.

Bur just like TLC ain't too proud to beg, I ain't too proud to admit that I was WRONG. I got in line to wait for my free dessert. But while I was waiting someone offered me a Godiva chocolate! And then another lady offered me a Billy's Bakery yellow cake cupcake with green frosting. Billy's is my FAVORITE and I could eat a vat of their icing with a spoon. Or just my tongue. Another woman pushed a big ass chocolate chip cookie in my hand, and then the Billy's Bakery cupcake lady came back over with banana cupcakes with cream cheese frosting!Just a little snack before dinner!

Remember, I was on my way to the gym.

I finally get to the front of the line. The kind lady in the truck asked what kind of Godiva truffle I wanted--I selected a carrot cake one (by accident I should add, I'm not a big carrot cake person but heck if it's free I'll eat it!)--and then she said I could have a cup of Breyer's ice cream--I chose coffee brownie chunk. I could have even had a THIRD cupcake but my hands were a little full so I passed.

I decided that going to the gym probably wouldn't be a good idea. So I returned to my office, dropped off my desserts, and changed into my workout clothes in the bathroom. I then ran 6 miles outside. When I finally got home, I ate my banana cupcake! Sooooo amazing! You would never know there was fruit in it!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Today was a surprisingly good day in the free food world. It was no Monday, I'll tell you that much.

I ate a peanut butter chocolate cupcake during work to celebrate 2 upcoming weddings in my department. And then during my open mic the bartender ordered us pizza, so I ate a slice of mushroom/pepperoni and a cheese. Woohoo!

Monday, September 13, 2010

It's because there is a dearth of free food. You know what I ate today? NOTHING.

Yesterday, however, I went over my friends Katie and Geoff's apartment to watch the True Blood finale and they fed me this energy drink, so can't complain! Now, if only I could get Jason Stackhouse to arrest me!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

My great friend Paul Downs is the funniest man I know. Sometime he is the funniest woman I know, when he is performing as a female character! At any rate, you need to catch his show the Paul Downs Syndrome at the world famous UCB Theatre.

And not only is Paul hilarious, he is also generous--he bought me a salad for dinner tonight. He even let me add chicken even though it cost an extra $3! Love him!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Hey kidz! I bet you have been eagerly anticipating the sequel to my adventures in Massachusetts. Let's continue!

Sunday: I slept in, ran 4 miles with my Dad, and then went to church. I asked God for world peace and free food. How He obliged! He also gave me free clothes: my mom took me to TJ Maxx at the greatest strip mall of all time, the North Andover Mall. The North Andover Mall is home to Fashion Bug, Payless Shoe Source, Kohl's, and the Bollywood Grill. My hometown is so progressive! They even get the Jewish holidays off now!

My mother bought me a couple dresses, one of which I wore to work today and everyone complimented me on it. Unfortch, I didn't make missed connections wearing it!

After shopping, we returned home where my dad fired up the grill. He's a manly man, you know, despite the fact that he looks like Waldo.Where's John Simons, aka Liz's Dad?

Papa Simons cooked delicious steak tips and chicken from Butcher Boy. Sister Katie made some tomato concoction. Mom boiled corn. I set the table. Wow, what a contribution! I poured myself a glass of wine but Katie forbade me to drink it since I was running a 25k the next day!

Monday: Our journey through free food in North Andover is almost over my friends. Or, I'm getting tired and am postponing it till tomorrow. So on Monday, Labor Day, your girl Liz decided to push herself! I ran a 25k with my dad around Cape Ann. Not to toot my own horn, but it is a HARD course. We finished a minute faster than last year, yippie skippie! I placed 579 out of 624. The Kenyans better watch out for me! At the post race celebration, I ate 3 popsicles (orange, root beer, and fruit punch) and one hot dog. My dad and I then drove to Rockport where I bought a half pound of my beloved tipped mints at Tuck's Candies. I can't believe Dad didn't offer to buy them for me! Whatevs! Nevertheless, if you want a way into my heart you will order me these. They are my all time favorite candy. And this is coming from someone who knows a thing or two about candy.

Rockport is a dry town, or used to me . . . I think you can get drinks at restaurants now but it's a bit of work and I imagine it is what Utah is like with all the Mormons. I am sure I am exaggerating. But no matter what, I don't want to get my drink on in Rockport when I can go right next door to Gloucester, home of the Crow's Nest and the inspiration for the Lifetime movie The Pregancy Pact. Yeah, they know their booze. Dad and I went to the Studio on Rocky Neck and ordered wings, beer, and burgers while sitting on the outdoor deck by the ocean.

All in all a great weekend. I'll talk about Tuesday tomorrow, but in the meantime let me tell you what I ate today! A leftover oatmeal raisin cookie. One of my least fave cookies, but beggars can't be choosers.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Wow, what a good-looking family! I wonder what their last name is? Could it be Simons? Could the girl second from left in the black and white dress be named Liz??? As in is that me??? Why, yes, it is!

That picture is from 3 months ago when I went to my cousin Claire's amaaaaaazing wedding. We sure clean up nice! This weekend I also spent time with my family, except for that tall goof Andrew. He remained in Nashvegas, TN where he is an aspiring musician. Check out his music!

At any rate the best part of visiting my parents is that they feed me lots of free food. Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Friday: I took the ever so classy Bolt Bus from NY to Boston. Upon exiting the bus, I took the T to Back Bay station where I met my dad for lunch at Viga. Guess who was buying??? I'll give you a hint: it was not me! So anyway, I ordered a Bari hot wrap, which consists of chicken, cukes, peanuts, rice, sauce . . . it's super Asian influenced.

After lunch my dad returned to his office and I walked around the city. Since I am an adult, my dad did NOT give me a stash of cash and say to me, "Spend this on what you like." So, I bought my OWN candy at Sugar Heaven (gourmet mints, nonpareils, and chocolate covered cookie dough balls and espresso beans) and my own ice cream at JP Licks (mint chip fro yo).

We were supposed to go to the Red Sox game that night, but due to the wimpy Hurrican Early, the game was postponed till Saturday at 1pm. So my dad and I drove back to the greatest town in all of the Merrimack Valley and met my mom and sister for pizza at Stachey's. Pops was paying again for this round. We ordered a half mushroom and half meat lovers pizza and a couple of salads. And a bottle of wine. Yum!

Saturday: Red Sox game! My whole family, sans the rock n roller Andrew Simons, met a couple friends for the game at Boston Beer Works. My friend Tom bought me a stout, and then we went to watch the game. The Sox lost, but I did drink a couple free beers and iced coffee, so there you go!

After the game, my dad took us all out dinner at the Washington Square Tavern in Brookline. I used to come here all the time when I lived in Boston and it did not disappoint! Cute boys, good food, good beer! I ordered gnocchi, wine, and beer! Yippie!

After an awesome day in Beantown, we returned to the mecca that is North Andover. But not before stopping at the greatest ice cream place in the WORLD. That's right, I'm talking about you Benson's! Benson's is located in Boxford, which is home to a lot of trees and a cool old school general store. That's about it. But it's beautiful! I ordered coffee chip frozen yogurt. Which makes me sound way too healthy and conscientious. I just happen to like the taste!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

There was free pizza after hours at work today, but it was for people who were staying late and I figured I shouldn't eat any . . . and I didn't . . . and I am still bitter. And a little hungry. But it might be phantom hunger pangs because I'm still jealous of the people who got to eat the pizza.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Three years ago I got in trouble at work for burning microwave popcorn. "It smells like death" I was told. The funny thing is I honestly don't have a sense of smell, so I'm all, Whatevs! Too bad for you! You could fart in front of me and I'm all, it's just a cute noise!

Despite my cavalier attitude, I don't want to get fired over Orville Redenbacher if you know what I mean. So I avoid microwaving popcorn at work like Rupaul avoids wearing Birkenstocks. But I still love the tasty treat so I was positively THRILLED when today the facilities department at work broke out the office popcorn machine and airpopped us some salty snacks.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Or more accurately, if I were the child of a rich and famous rich woman (redundancy INTENDED my friend), I wonder what my career would be. A few years ago, it was all about designing handbags (I'm talking to YOU Nicky Hilton), then it was all, I'm a dj! (Paging Samantha Ronson and Alexandra Richards!). And now the career choice for the offspring of the lucky sperm club is to star in a sex tape! I wonder what men think it is like to spend a night in Montana Fishburne! Ah, I am so clever! And dirty! And really plagiaristic and unoriginal!

Unfortunately for me--but fortunately for you--I was only raised upper middle class, so I still got to work in a regular job till I find success and a book deal writing my really deep blog. Which I write so often. And at my regular job is where I have to forage for free food. Which lately has been WEAK. I ate a fireball today. It lit my mouth on fire.

I was about to make a dirty joke about Montana Fishburne's private parts and how they might be fiery, and then I realized people might think I'm a pervert. And my dad supposedly reads this blog, so I will refrain.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Today was a happy and sad day. Happy because I ate a piece of cake and a cup of organic shaved ice for FREE, but sad because I was saying goodbye to a beloved coworker. Although as we used to say in leadership camp, there are no goodbyes, only see you laters. And this is why I didn't have boyfriends.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I'm also full of pizza! Yeah! See, today there was a going away party for a longtime coworker. So they ordered us a ton of pizza from Patsy's. The pieces are small and thin crust so I ate 5. And also lots of Ceasar salad. I washed it down with a free Diet Pepsi.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

See, I ate a free tuna sandwich leftover from a sales meeting. It had pimientos in it which I normally hate but your girl Liz was HUNGRY so I pretended they weren't there. So that's blessing # 1.

Then Blessings # 2 and 3 came when one of our vendors shipped us Crumbs cupcakes. I immediately ate a basic yellow cake with white frosting. Later on in the afternoon I noticed that there were still a few cupcakes left. So I cut half a red velvet cupcake and ate. An hour after that, I noticed there was half a chocolate cupcake left, so I finished it. Final score--2 cupcakes.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sorry your girl Liz has been oh so absent lately. I've been BUSY taking names and eating lots and lots of free food. My beautiful cousin Claire got married on Saturday to her super cool new hubby Blaise in Newport, Rhode Island. And guess who was invited??? ME! Wow!

Weddings are awesome for lots of reasons. One you get to dress up. Two, if you're single, you might meet someone with who you may have a really meaningful one night long relationship, and three, my favorite . . .

Free food and free booze!

My cousin Claire's wedding was no exception, well, except for the second part since I was staying at my Nana's with my parents. I dressed up in a gorge dress that I borrowed from my dear friend (and biggest fan) Lori. See how sexy I look in this picture? I bet you're wondering how I am single! I ask the same thing every day.

As I mentioned, no one night flings. But there was PLENTY of free food and booze because Claire and her fam DO NOT MESS AROUND.

I started with a glass of champagne, and ate several hors d'oeuvres. I didn't even ask what they were because they looked edible and I was HUNGRY.

I kept refilling my glass, I sat down to eat. There was a seafood bisque, a tasty salad, and FILET mother f---ing MIGNOT. And cake!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Why oh why do I love food so much? Even when it is not free??? Today I bought a huge piece of chocolate cake from Amy's Bread and it was the best thing I ever ate IN MY LIFE. And I've eaten Peeps people!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Normally I like my cupcakes big, but I also like them free. So, my dear friend Sue brought in mini cupcakes to her open mic show tonight, and I ate 3 of them. Or maybe 4. I also ate several mini Krackel Hershey Bars. No Mr. Goodbars though, but there are never any men in my life, so what's the surprise there?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Sorry it's been so long! I've been busy being awesome. You know how that is.

So what do I have for you? Well, Friday I ate a slice of someone's pizza at a bar. Then on Saturday I went to a party in Park Slope where I drank 3 free beers and ate Doritos. Sunday I ate someone's leftover chicken fingers. Yippie!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

So sorry I missed out on regaling you with my free food adventures yesterday. Your girl Liz had a busy day at work and improv. I even ate three Marshmallow Peeps, courtesy of my girl Casey. Thanks boo!

Today was a slightly more relaxing day. Work was hectic but when isn't it? I am so important so it's only natural that I am busy. Just call me Important Liz! In addition to being Important Liz, I am also Cake-Loving Liz, so imagine my pleasant surprise when a colleague's wife brought him in birthday cake??? Delicious, rich chocolate cake. I ate a slice. After work I ran 5 miles so we're all good.

Came home and watched Intervention. And then guess who came to my apartment? 5 members of FDNY!!! And I didn't even have to pay $30! Woohoo! Well, actually they came to my neighbor's apartment because her carbon monoxide alarm accidentally went off. I just peaked my head out into the hallway when the firemen came to our building. I tried to look all sexy but that's pretty hard when you're wearing non sexy pajamas. D'oh!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Hey all! Well, yesterday I had to end our conversation early because I had to watch Duke beat Butler in the NCAA national championship. The Blue Devils had done won the championship since I had last set foot on the campus as a student waaaaay back in 2001, so this was an awesome victory. I STILL can't believe I didn't do a bracket this year! Boo!

Before we get back to my firemen singles party story, let me just tell you I might have met my soul mate today. See, it was a really beautiful day but since I am so important and busy I didn't have time to take a lunch break, so instead I took 10 minutes to walk around the block. As I was crossing the street to return to my office, I noticed a young man sitting on an inflatable couch in the pedestrian concrete island in the middle of the street. He was handing out free chocolate chip cookies! And business cards promoting his website. How very New York of him. I bet he lives in Williamsburg, and is unemployed and trying to get a book published based on his witty blog (I was partially right--according to his website he lives in Brooklyn but hell it could be Bed Stuy for all I know, and he's a musician). Imagine--a man distributing FREE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES in front of my office!!! Is this fate or is this fate? I call fate! But--I had to grab a cookie and run since I am so important. Also noticed on his website that he looks to be wearing a wedding ring, and your girl Liz is no Angelina Jolie. What, too soon?

Now let's talk about the Firemen Party. Again.

When we left off, I had ordered a Guinness, eaten a Jolly Rancher, and tried to mingle. I figured, men like sports, let's talk about the Final Four!

Liz to a firemen, one of 10 there: So who do you think is going to win the tournament?

Firemen: Wow that's a loaded question. I like to tan!

Which brings me to my next point . . . firemen really like to go tanning. As more firemen trickled in, I noticed that A) they go tanning B) they're all Catholic and wear huge tricked out crosses C) they like Celtic and Chinese symbol tats on their arms. Oh, and they like to hang out in packs near stripper poles to show off their skillz to their bros. Well, that last part happened at R Bar. All of New York's Bravest, who coincidentally all looked like Jersey Shore rejects, were more impressed with themselves than they were with any of us lasses. My friend Meghan and I, tired of all the Guidos, said F this, we'll just have a few drinks and dance by ourselves. Which we did!

I left with my dignity intact, though one older firemen told me he liked the way I danced to Empire State of Mind. Eek. No numbers though. I'll just have to hang out in my own nabe in Astoria. We have lots of cops and firemen!

Monday, April 5, 2010

How ARE you??? It's been SO long! I know you have missed me lots. I've had a CRAZY week. Let's talk about it!

Shall we?

It started last Tuesday. I went to a Firemen Singles Party sponsored by Single and the City. Yup, that's their name. Yup, the event was as awful as it sounded. Basically, we desperate future housewives paid $30 (or $40 at the door) to attend a party at R Bar where there would be firemen. When my friend Meghan and I got there at 7:15, there were all of 10 men there and at least 50 women. I asked the ladies who checked us in if there was going to be food or at least a drink ticket. I was told no, but you can get beer and wine for $5 till 9pm! Wow, what a bargain!

Oh, but there was a bowl of Jolly Ranchers!

I had given up booze for Lent but there was no way I was getting though this night without booze. I ordered a Guinness (sorry God) and tried to mingle.

And ate a free Jolly Rancher (well, it was a $30 cover charge).

And now my people, I am going to so a Liz Simons FIRST . . . I am going to write To Be Continued . . . because I have to watch Duke beat Butler!

Monday, March 29, 2010

It's not often I like to invoke His good name, but seeing as how it is Holy Week and all that stuff I figure it is okay. At any rate, today some church pushers gave me a free granola bar and a pamphlet for their church. Sure I'll come if you promise cake at the services!

Must go to bed now. I have a Firemen Singles Party to go to tomorrow night.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Where to begin . . . well I last spoke with you on Wednesday. Wasn't that a good day. I ate free Red Mango. Yeah! Then on Thursday we had a pizza party for work. I ate a slice of chicken parm and a slice of mushroom. And salad, which is so healthy. Then on Friday I ate free pizza AGAIN! See, there was a luncheon for interns, and they had pizza leftover, and your girl Liz grabbed a slice of mushroom.

Then on Friday night I took Metro North out to the burbs to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousins where we played life size Jenga and ate . . . you guessed it . . . pizza! I ate a slice of cheese sprinkled with black olives and also some calimari salad. So so good!

On Saturday we drove to North Andover for my mom's, gulp, 60th birthday. I had given up booze for Lent but I granted myself a dispensation so I could drink at the restaurant, which I did (2 beers and several glasses of wine. Yum!). I ate bruschetta, a fancy quesadilla, Ceasar salad, tuna, and cake! Yeah! It was cool to share the night with my family and my parents' closest friends, but it was even cooler to eat all that free food!

Today we drove back, but I snuck a few chocolate chip cookies out of the house while my mom was not looking. Yippie skippie!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Look at me, always posting pictures of myself on my blog! I'm just like Oprah with her magazine! This is an older picture but I truly wish I could have taken my picture TODAY because I looked ADORABLE. I wore a cute textured tan skirt, a navy blue top, and brown pumps and a hot brown leather jacket that I bought at a super cool vintange store in Astoria called Loveday 31. I donned my signature glasses and my hair was in a ponytail and I was convinced everyone was staring at me. Woohoo!

I dressed up because I had to go to a networking event for work where there was . . . drum roll please . . . free Red Mango yogurt! A little too healthy for me but oh well, it tasted good! I grabbed a water to take with me on my way out, but then I left it in the bathroom. Boohoo! I stopped at Bryant Park to read where I proceeded to spill coffee (not free, I bought it) on my skirt and then I had to buy a non-free water to dab my cute tan textured skirt. Dramz!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Just another day--and struggle--in the life of Liz without the Batman head filled with candy! I imagine this is what the Irish felt like amid the potato famine. These are tough times to find free food!

After catching up on Celebrity Fit Club last night, I was feeling all inspired. But I still wanted a sweet. So I grabbed a giant Lemonhead from the new candy jar in my office. It was okay but I prefer chocolate. But beggars can't be choosers!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Your girl Liz is BACK. As in, will write more than three sentences. As in, will lift pictures from the Internet and post them on this site. I've been in a blog coma of sorts and then my friend Lori gave me the swift kick in the virtual pants that I needed. You've all missed me, all 11 of you!!! Just like Barbra Streisand and Cher before me, I'm returning to the stage. Are you begging for an encore?

I confess I've been a little absent because, frankly, I'm not eating as much free food anymore. There is no more Batman head in the office from where I can steel candy all day. The economy is still bad so no leftover lunches. I've had to scavenge for my loot. Plus I gave up booze for Lent and I'm training for a marathon so I'm eating, gasp, healthfully! And I have two weddings to go to this year and I'm still single and need to find a hot groomsmen/best man/ ANY man to keep me warm on the dance floor.Eek!

These situations present challenges when you are a well-respected journalist on the prowl for free food. But in the name of integrity I am committed to my mission. So I ate one chocolate heart and one Jawbreaker today. For free.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Thank God! I am going to go to town this weekend writing. I have so much to say and am too lazy to do it now. I will tell you this: I was sitting in Herald Square tonight after work at one of those little tables that aims to make the area more pedestrian friendly. While on the phone talking to my aunt, a dude walked over to me and kissed me on my mouth. For realz. Startled, I gazed into his eyes. "Oh, I thought you were someone else!" the young Latin boy said to me. I recoiled but his face was still inches from mine--and I'm still talking to my aunt. He then asked me for the time. I ran the hell away.

Now, this has been a dream of mine forever to be stopped on the streets by a young hot man who wants to whisk me away. But one, I didn't look hot today so I wasn't convinced he approached me because he was madly in love with me. Two, he wasn't hot. And three, a stranger kissed me on the mouth--it was creepy! If he had been FDNY it would have been a different story.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Today we threw a shower because a coworker is going to be a dad . . . which means cupcakes! Yippee. My coworked ordered a few dozen from Baked By Melissa. These cupcakes are about the size of a quarter, so needless to say I ate 10. Actually, it might have been 12. Or 13. Or maybe even more. Whoops!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Mondays are not easy days. They might even be called depressing! But today was an exception. I walked into my office at 9:30 and there were chocolate covered strawberries and chocolate dipped cookies WAITING for me to eat them! So I did. I never found out who put them out, but thank you.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I'm not gonna lie, I ate well but it was on my own dime. I'm getting closer and closer to Internet dating! The thing is, I gave up booze for Lent, and I don't want the prospective date to think I'm boring, weird, or super religious. I mean, I am totally FOR premarital sex.

At any rate, I drank a glass of water at my friend Meghan's apartment and er, that's all.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Yo! Valentine's Day came and passed and as usual your sweetheart Liz was not on the love bandwagon! Instead, I drank and ate a lot!

Saturday I traveled to the Hoboken New York Sports Club to take part in a Zumbathon to benefit Haiti. While I did pay $15 to dance in a really sexy Brazilian style way, I also scored a free CVS brand granola bar!

Afterwards, my sister Katie and our friends Lori and Ashley went to Katie's apartment. Katie just saw the documentary Food, Inc and now my Republican sister is all about being healthy and aware of what she is eating. She might as well join the Park Slope Food Co-op, that is if she lived in Park Slope!

So Katie made us apple-celery-carrot smoothies with her juicer. Next thing she'll probably buy us crystals and chakras and yoga mats.

We went to dinner and then to a bar in Manhattan. Ashley and Katie each bought me a beer. Lori did not. She better step up soon so I can give her a positive shout out in this highly-regarded blog.

I was still buzzed when I returned to my apartment at 5:30. And still buzzed when I left to meet friends at 9:30. One of my friends bought me a post midnight beer, so that counts towards my free food quota for today.

Now I am going to watch the Olympics. Woohoo!

Also--reposting one of my all time most brilliant essays from my myspace blog. I wrote it in 2007 and even posted it here last year. Enjoy!

Happy F---ing Valentine's Day! Let's play the Pyramid people!

Can you Feel the Love Tonight. Love is All Around Us. I Can't Help Falling in Love.

Hell, I'll even put in the song Closer (just the line "I want to f--- you like an animal", really).

What do these all have in common?

Songs that make Liz super f---ing depressed on Valentine's Day!!!

Now, I am not a bitter New York City woman. I mean how could I be when I have such a sultry picture as seen on Myspace? Would you believe it if I told you I was on the math team in high school? That I listen to the song "Oh Holy Night" year round? That this past Saturday night I stayed home alone with a bottle of wine and watched President Ford's funeral on the DVR (Why did he have to die?)?

Yes people, as hard as it is to believe, I have my moments of geekdom. Well, more than moments, more like years. And I celebrate my nerdiness. I'm okay with this. After all, this nerdiness won me the spelling bee in 8th grade and as a result I am the proud owner of the biggest trophy out of all two of my siblings.

But being single on Valentine's Day? Goddamn f---ing sucks.

Most of the time it's more fun to be single. You can flirt with cute boys. You can do whatever you want on weekends with whomever you want. No one asks you "When's he going to pop the question?" and/or remark "Oh he got you that cubic zirconium pendant at Zales . . . he must really, um, love you by giving you that cheap piece of sh--."

But on Valentine's Day, being single means you can sit at home eating a Lean Cuisine wearing your new pajama pants with hearts on them that your mom sent you while getting caught up on the 8 hours of television that you've DVRed Sunday through Tuesday. The Apprentice, I Love New York, White Rapper Show, American Idol, and Bad Girls Club. Okay that's only 4 and a half hours. 5 and a half if you count Wednesday's episode of Idol. Sorry for exaggerating.

On Valentine's Day, being single means that you can look forward to all the candy going on sale for 50% off the day after at CVS. And then eating all that candy, thus making you fat, thus sealing your single for life fate.

The cruel, cruel cycle!

So all single people, your friend Liz wishes you a Happy F---ing Valentine's Day. And I mean literally. Why the f--- not?

The rest of you couples, just smell your roses and be done with it! And remember what happened to the most famous lovers of all time, Romeo and Juliet. They died!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Well, not really. As much as I love my adopted city of New York, what with it's low cost of living, clean sidewalks, and considerate ear phone listeners on the subway, I have to say it is full of WIMPS when there is even the threat of snow on the ground. Bloomberg and Co cancelled school a full day in advance. And what did we get today? A sprinkling. I've seen dandruff heavier. Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Massachusetts anymore.

Well, it got heavier as the day went on but it was still a little bit sissy. I did leave work about 40 minutes early. I also snuck a piece of pizza from my friend who ordered it for her department. Woooooo!

I'm going to try and get to be early tonight! That deserves an exclamation point!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Today I worked on a commercial shoot and there was lots and lots of free food. I ate a bagel with cream cheese and lox, several brownie bites, gum, apple crisp, birthday cake, carrot cake, lasagna, salmon, 3 mini Butterfingers, 3 cups of coffee, and 2 cans of Doet Coke. Oh, I forgot the chips and guac. And the other pasta dish at lunch. And probably a few other things. Granted, this was over 10 hours, but even I am impressed with my score for the day!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Tonight I performed my brilliant standup at Bar 9 in Hell's Kitchen. As a performer, I was entitled to two free drinks. Imagine my pleasant surprise when the bartender served me a THIRD FREE drink. Woohoo!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Your girl Liz partied like a regular old freshman in COLLEGE this weekend! I might be in my 30s but I still got it in me!

Saturday I went ice skating in Central Park, and I got a free hot dog. Woohoo! After a little bit of a bumpy start, I skated like a pro. Dorothy Hammill better resurrect Ice Capades because I seek employment there!

Then late that night I went out to the Lower East Side for my friend Meghan's b-day. Normally this would be cool, but I'm in the midst of reading Lush Life by Richard Price, which is centered around a murder on the Lower East Side! Yeah!

We met at Rewind at midnight, and I ordered 2 Bud Lights, one for me and one for Meghan. They were a whopping $7 each. I opened a tab on my credit card. Later on, my sister and a random guy each bought me another Bud Light. Free booze! However, when I went to close out my tab they charged me $20 instead of $14. It was crowded and your normally cheap Liz decided to let it go and instead gave a crappy tip. Hey, I still came out ahead!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Till then, I must satisfy myself with the Lean Cuisine my colleague Leigh gave me today. It's my favorite one: chicken in peanut sauce. Only 5 points. It had been sitting in the freezer forever and Leigh saw me eyeing it, and I casually mentioned that it was my top choice in frozen food dining, besides Smart Ones Thai Style Chicken & Rice Noodles, which I will bring to work tomorrow! She said I could have it. Thanks Leigh!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Jonny K's Batman head has some new competition . . . HR put out a bunch of jars of free candy for everyone to eat. There are some doozies (Dum Dums, butterscotchs, Jolly Ranchers) bu there also some gems (chocolate lips, Smarties, Lemon Heads). I am so excited!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Look, I know I can't sing. But I wonder if I would be one of those people who'd he tell, "I LIKE you Liz." And we'd have a drink and a ciggy and be snarky and brilliant together. And then he'd buy me lots of free food. It would be a match made in heaven.

Until that time comes, I will need to settle eating my daily free candy from Johnny K's Batman head. Today it was 2 imitation peppermint patties. Awesome!

Monday, January 18, 2010

I ate a lot but it was not all free, eek! Saturday I went out for drinks with my friends Jess and Sandy. We drank a 6 pack at Jess's place beforehand, so there's the free quota for the day. Then Sunday morning I filmed a music video with my friend Paul, and there was free granola. Wow!

Today I did my laundry and ate kind of healthfully. NO FUN! And I paid for everything!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Today work ruled. I got two free meals! First, one of our clients brought in bagels and lox! Then the GM fed us a huge Mexican lunch! We're talking tacos, burritos, salsa, guac, and cookies! I brought home leftover salsa. Lo quiero!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Tonight I hosted my book club. We read the book The Sorrows of an America by Siri Hustvedt, who is also known as Paul Auster's wife. Everyone despised the book except for me, mainly because I picked it out. Oh well!

I cooked a lasagna and bought apps and wine, but everyone else also pitched in so there was lots of free food to be had including a delicious homemade tart by Kate, a salad from Jeff and Beverly, pastries bought by Rachel, potatoes prepared by Laura, bread and crackers from Ari and Diana, and a cheese platter brought by Ronna. So so good! And there are leftovers!

Monday, January 11, 2010

I think it was a soy hot dog, and I was in line at Trader Joe's, which takes foreeeeeevs, so I ate three little free samples of a fake dog. I liked it because it tasted like leftover parts of pigs, as weiners usually do.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

See, one of my office's summer interns stopped by today for a surprise visit. She's a total sweetheart and a senior in college, so I took her out to a local Thai restaurant for lunch. My treat! Wow, what a generous person I am. Now I just need someone else to take me out to lunch. Any gentleman callers? Please?

All right, I'm going to bed now since I'm going to wake up early to run. Woohoo!

About Me

Liz Simons is a New York City-based comedian who has performed all over the city at top clubs including Carolines, Gotham, and Broadway Comedy Club. She has been a featured performer in the show Mortified in New York and Boston. She is adorable, single, and likes to eat. She started this blog because she was known as the girl at her office who was always the first person to know about the leftover food from meetings. And how she loved that free food! She took that passion and now writes about her daily selection of free food.