Welcome, Seven Billionth Baby! It’s All Downhill from Here

The United Nations has selected the Philippines’ Danica May Camachoof, a newborn baby, as a representative of the world’s seven billionth person. Mazel tov, Danica, it may well be the best day of your life. The Guardian reports: “Previous children picked out at birth by the U.N. to mark world population milestones have complained that the international body forgot about them later in life. Both 12-year-old Adnan Nevic of Bosnia Herzogovina, the sixth billionth baby, and Matej Gaspar from Croatia, who was number five billion, have complained that the UN chose them at birth then largely ignored them.”

Similar fates have befallen other milestone infants.

The first baby: teased mercilessly by apes for upright posture and smooth skin; first victim—make that survivor—of bullying.

Second baby: suffered through inadequacy issues through entire 11-year lifespan.

Sixty-ninth baby: second victim of bullying.

Six-hundred-and-sixty-sixth baby: summoned back to Satan’s dark kingdom to prepare for hellish reign.

One billionth baby: suspected of witchcraft and drowned in a lake to determine innocence. Baby was indeed posthumously determined to be a small sorcerer.

Four billionth baby: given ridiculous and trendy name, would later go by middle name in professional contexts.