Santa

I remember when I sat down for my senior portrait, there was a choice of three muted color backgrounds, we were urged, if not required to show up in a suit and tie, and we had to somehow mask our fear of the unknown real world hurtling toward us menacingly. In South Korea though, the senior portrait is much more interesting.

​If I were to ask you, “What do you think a Korean high school yearbook looks like?” You might rightly ask, “What the hell are you talking about?” Though if you were to just play along and not be such a jerk about it, you might still respond, “Filled with despair and starvation?” which would also technically be true since I wasn’t real specific and that probably describes a North Korean yearbook pretty accurately.

What I was specifically referring to though was South Korea, and more specifically still Jeonju Haesung High School. Apparently Jeonju Haesung has decided that rather than stuff all of their students into ill fitting suits and prop them up against the same dusty old backdrop (the same ones their grandparents’ dreams died in front of), they would give their students the freedom to take whatever portraits they chose, trusting that they might have some sort of individuality to share. The results of this freedom and individuality landed on the cool spectrum somewhere between “awesome” and “crazy awesome”.

Here, we see the FFA President tilling the school’s side lawn.The treasurer of the “Umbrella Appreciation Society”Sister Elizabeth CrapsonlawnNo matter how much Barry tried, he just couldn’t understand pot.Due to budget cutbacks Trent’s medications came in sporadically, if at all.South Korean silver screen heart throb Ye-jun Clooney on the set of “Pyeong’s 11”Kabuki is weird in Korea.High Priest Kevin does a shoot for comfortable Monk Briefs.Devin got pantsed by the larger girls at least seven times a year.Super Mario-yun sends all of the turtles he smashes to his neighbors to the North to try to save them from starvation.The Mark XXIV Armor’s largest design flaw would have to be the “Invincible Flip Flops”A little something for everyone…And a lot of nothing for anyone…

The voting for this year book’s superlatives was particularly difficult since most students just responded with a drawing of the outline of their hands giving a thumbs up and a gummy bear taped to the page with an octopus sticker. Needless to say, they’re all pretty equally likely to succeed, at being totally cool.

The internet: you can find anything here, from cats wearing things to cats falling from things or even the grammatically poor ways we imagine cats are expressing their feelings for and about things. But in the approximately nine percent of the internet that ISN’T specifically devoted to feline adorableness, there are some other interesting things that pop up, like, for example, the US Military’s letters to Hippie NRA Santa about all the crazy things they wish he would invent for them to shoot at things.

Over 100 not very secret pages of non lethally imagi-bombs and make believasers were published on the internets by some busy body who doesn’t want someone to be surprised the next time they’re not subdued by a military grade hug ray. This “Non-Lethal Weapons Reference Book” which is basically being called the “Things You Never Knew Existed” catalogue of as seen on TV scuba diver tummy ache beams and crowd uncomfortabling lasers, as released by the US Department of Defense’s Joint Non-Lethal Weapons Directorate. A “sales pitch for continued funding”.

Now, naturally, this got me to thinking. I can come up with awesome made up ways to shoot annoying people with imagination! And apparently, there’s not even a need for any of my crazy this to ever become reality since apparently: “A 2009 report by the US Government Accountability Office said that the JNLWD had spent at least $386 million on 50 research projects – but had failed to actually produce any new weapons.”

I can totally do that! Coming up with ideas for this that never materializes is what I’m all ABOUT!

So, with the promise of hundreds of millions of dollars to feed my madness and a bloodless lust in my heart I present to you, the VFoC Apartment of Cut-it-Outs: Rail Un-Hurty Projectile Superintendency (RUHPS)

First of all, Mister or Missus Weapon Buying Patriot, I give you our acronym: far superior to that jumble of unusable Scrabble tiles that other weapon dealer calls a name. Jinuluwud? Bullshit — Rups! Just say it “Rups” (silent h, obviously). That sticks in the mind, you know that Rups sells you your humane crowd stompers and you trust that the name “Rups” means quality invisible weaponesque “technologies”.

But you’re here to buy things to hurt people so bad they’ll wish they were dead, but legally can not be held responsible in any way for said harm. We know, and we want to sell those things to you! So allow me to present our first new harm-portunity:

The Giggle Cannon!

The face of terror.

Directing precisely targeted “technology particles” at your victim’s most theoretically ticklish zones or “ticklish zones” ie, pits, ribblets, taint — the Giggle Canon renders assailants helpless, twitching masses of fun! And as a special added bonus, the effects of the Giggle Cannon makes even the most hardened “Death to America” lefty look innocent and care free in their uncontrollable chuckle fit.

Collateral Damage: Tough guy image, 29% Chance of Pant Be-Dampening.

But if only a three in ten chance of ruining the enemies slacks just isn’t enough retaliation for you, then RUHPS has something else that might fill your boots with “joy”. Introducing:

The Re-Crappinator!

"Oh! Your freedom filled my pants!"

Using future based “micro-science” technology and concussive sound wave projectiling you will fill any non-killing field with the pungent fumes of bowel dominance! With a variable control dial setting ranging from “Turtle Head” to “Ass-tastrophe” the Re-Crappinator will fill the pants of your enemies at an alarming rate, sending insurgents and collaborators scattering with chunks of their partially digested granola and tofu lunches trailing behind them!

Collateral Damage: Dignity, o-ring structural integrity.

And while those two gems of the RUHPS catalogue should be more than enough to topple any ne’erdowells that might threaten the peace in your part of God’s purple majesty, we have saved the best for last. Completely non-lethal, utterly effective and absolutely environmentally friendly:

The Controlled Crowd Fragmentalization Bags!

Occupying... Elsewhere.

Essentially a paper sack filled with black powder, old bicycle gears and spent plutonium rods, the Controlled Crowd Fragmentalization Bags is the first and last word in crowd disbursement technology. Simply turn on the bag with the gentle introduction of a polite eco neutral natural elemental force, place bag amongst those you wish to no longer be where they currently are, and watch as the Controlled Crowd Fragmentalization Bag instantameously eliminates your unwanted nuisance! No muss, no fuss.

Collateral Damage: Negligible.

So in conclusion, we at Van Full of Candy’s Apartment of Cut-it-Outs: Rail Un-Hurty Projectile Superintendency (RUHPS), would like to thank you for taking the time to hear our presentation. We look forward to using your hundreds of millions of dollars to help make this world a safer, happier place for me to spend hundreds of millions of dollars in government contracts on whores and narcotics, as that money is usually spent! We’ve finally found our calling, now you better pray we never find you!

The internet: you can find anything here, from cats wearing things to cats falling from things or even the grammatically poor ways we imagine cats are expressing their feelings for and about things. But in the approximately nine percent of the internet that ISN’T specifically devoted to feline adorableness, there are some other interesting things that pop up, like, for example, the US Military’s letters to Hippie NRA Santa about all the crazy things they wish he would invent for them to shoot at things.

Over 100 not very secret pages of non lethally imagi-bombs and make believasers were published on the internets by some busy body who doesn’t want someone to be surprised the next time they’re not subdued by a military grade hug ray. This “Non-Lethal Weapons Reference Book” which is basically being called the “Things You Never Knew Existed” catalogue of as seen on TV scuba diver tummy ache beams and crowd uncomfortabling lasers, as released by the US Department of Defense’s Joint Non-Lethal Weapons Directorate. A “sales pitch for continued funding”.

Now, naturally, this got me to thinking. I can come up with awesome made up ways to shoot annoying people with imagination! And apparently, there’s not even a need for any of my crazy this to ever become reality since apparently: “A 2009 report by the US Government Accountability Office said that the JNLWD had spent at least $386 million on 50 research projects – but had failed to actually produce any new weapons.”

I can totally do that! Coming up with ideas for this that never materializes is what I’m all ABOUT!

So, with the promise of hundreds of millions of dollars to feed my madness and a bloodless lust in my heart I present to you, the VFoC Apartment of Cut-it-Outs: Rail Un-Hurty Projectile Superintendency (RUHPS)

First of all, Mister or Missus Weapon Buying Patriot, I give you our acronym: far superior to that jumble of unusable Scrabble tiles that other weapon dealer calls a name. Jinuluwud? Bullshit — Rups! Just say it “Rups” (silent h, obviously). That sticks in the mind, you know that Rups sells you your humane crowd stompers and you trust that the name “Rups” means quality invisible weaponesque “technologies”.

But you’re here to buy things to hurt people so bad they’ll wish they were dead, but legally can not be held responsible in any way for said harm. We know, and we want to sell those things to you! So allow me to present our first new harm-portunity:

The Giggle Cannon!

The face of terror.

Directing precisely targeted “technology particles” at your victim’s most theoretically ticklish zones or “ticklish zones” ie, pits, ribblets, taint — the Giggle Canon renders assailants helpless, twitching masses of fun! And as a special added bonus, the effects of the Giggle Cannon makes even the most hardened “Death to America” lefty look innocent and care free in their uncontrollable chuckle fit.

Collateral Damage: Tough guy image, 29% Chance of Pant Be-Dampening.

But if only a three in ten chance of ruining the enemies slacks just isn’t enough retaliation for you, then RUHPS has something else that might fill your boots with “joy”. Introducing:

The Re-Crappinator!

"Oh! Your freedom filled my pants!"

Using future based “micro-science” technology and concussive sound wave projectiling you will fill any non-killing field with the pungent fumes of bowel dominance! With a variable control dial setting ranging from “Turtle Head” to “Ass-tastrophe” the Re-Crappinator will fill the pants of your enemies at an alarming rate, sending insurgents and collaborators scattering with chunks of their partially digested granola and tofu lunches trailing behind them!

Collateral Damage: Dignity, o-ring structural integrity.

And while those two gems of the RUHPS catalogue should be more than enough to topple any ne’erdowells that might threaten the peace in your part of God’s purple majesty, we have saved the best for last. Completely non-lethal, utterly effective and absolutely environmentally friendly:

The Controlled Crowd Fragmentalization Bags!

Occupying... Elsewhere.

Essentially a paper sack filled with black powder, old bicycle gears and spent plutonium rods, the Controlled Crowd Fragmentalization Bags is the first and last word in crowd disbursement technology. Simply turn on the bag with the gentle introduction of a polite eco neutral natural elemental force, place bag amongst those you wish to no longer be where they currently are, and watch as the Controlled Crowd Fragmentalization Bag instantameously eliminates your unwanted nuisance! No muss, no fuss.

Collateral Damage: Negligible.

So in conclusion, we at Van Full of Candy’s Apartment of Cut-it-Outs: Rail Un-Hurty Projectile Superintendency (RUHPS), would like to thank you for taking the time to hear our presentation. We look forward to using your hundreds of millions of dollars to help make this world a safer, happier place for me to spend hundreds of millions of dollars in government contracts on whores and narcotics, as that money is usually spent! We’ve finally found our calling, now you better pray we never find you!

What better way to bring in the Yuletide season with the wonderful smell of Gingerbread Lattes and White Christmas playing in the background. Storming the malls on black Friday and hopefully not trampling anyone in the process, let alone being the trample-ee. Getting all the things our family wants and eating all the things that make us feel good about the season. Santa and Rudolph, snowflakes and chestnuts, presents and misletoe and … oh wait … what about Jesus? No, not your gardener, the little baby from the book who’s mama never did the nasty … no, not that movie about the barren mother who went on an adoption spree … the freakin’ son of God people, come on !! So let’s go back to the beginning of this nonsense run-on sentence and start over … what better way to bring in the Yuletide season then by combining the things we love, the things we have faith in, the things we know are both real … right? Enter Loudoun County Courthouse in historic Leesburg, Virginia … virgin, Virginia … I smell co-ink-ee-dink. The good people of the courthouse decided to let the first 10 applicants put up an art display, on the courthouse lawn for the holidays, and here’s what they got for their trust in mankind … I like to call it … Santa “Bones” Christ …

Apparently some of the residents in the area did not like this art installation and neither did the councilpeople who decided that this would be an ok idea. “I just think that these folks are trying to ruin the holiday spirit in the name of the first amendment,” Leesburg councilmember Ken Reid said. “They are just very disrespectful of the community.” But the odd thing was that they didn’t seem to mind a very similar wood carving in church the following Sunday … strange.

Just in time for Christmas: the holy celebration of the birth of the one true lord who shall judge us all at the right hand of the father as we pass from this mortal realm to the infinite of our judgement, the folks at American Atheist have introduced America’s new favorite super team:

By our powers combined, we form-- HONK! HONK-HONK! H-HOOOONK!

M.Y.T.H.S.!

(Mentoring Youths Trough Heroics Super!)

(From right to left: President Chupacabra, Secret Beard, Power Heart and of course, Aquaman.)

On Earth 7, Doug Parks was just your normal, every day, run of the mill live stock de-boner. He had come from a long line of live stock de-boners and expected he would live the rest of his life, going through the motions of the work a day world, removing the skeletal structure from farm animals for $9.50 an hour before someday retiring to a little place that a life time of de-boning and careful savings had bought him. That is until the day that his entire family was kidnapped by a squishy bag of goat meat that called itself “Vengepuddle”. Leaving the rescue of his family to the proper authorities Doug would go on to receive pieces of his loved ones in the mail for the next seven years.

Seeing that there was something wrong with the system Doug Parks launched a successful Presidential campaign on the back of his blue collar, rags to riches roots. Then, one day while touring an alternative energy facility President Doug Parks was sucked into an interdimensional vortex and deposited here on Mega Earth 1A, where he fights to protect a world that fears and distrusts him.

Dwight T. Eiffeltower was a sickly young lad who was rejected by the Army Corps of Engineers when his patchy, speckled facial hair caused a decorated war hero to commit suicide at a recruiting table that Dwight was simply walking past. Encouraged by a sense of responsibility for the Nine Star Admiral’s death Dwight volunteered for a secret government program that he’d read about on a public rest room wall. Eiffeltower was injected with a top secret serum consisting of Racist Honey Bee Pollen and Haunted Low Fat Milk and bombarded with Gramma Rays. The experiment seemed to be an embarrassing failure as Dwight was immediately killed to death and stayed dead for twenty-eight years.

But finally, after clawing his way out of his own grave Dwight T. Eiffeltower emerged again with strange powers beyond reason and a voice in his head that was not his own. Upon returning to life Dwight found that he had been possessed by the spirit of Nine Star Admiral Beauregard Tinwhistle. Dwight knew that he and Beauregard must use their new found powers to fight injustice where ever they found it, and so was born “Secret Beard”.

Secret Beard has the power to make anyone, anywhere forget facial hair.

While rummaging through a cardboard box full of donations behind an abandoned thrift store one Flag Day, Carlos Arriba discovered a heart shaped amulet glowing with energy. When no one would buy it from him Carlos decided to keep the stupid thing anyway then. Then, one afternoon, while taking a break from urinating on his possessions and screaming at invisible cookie people that he was certain were trying to kill him in the back of the alley he called home, Carlos took a moment to examine the back of the amulet where he found writing in a language that he had never seen before. Suddenly, as if possessed by the invisible cookie people themselves Carlos slipped into a trance, recited the words on the amulet and was transformed into the being known as “Power Heart”.

Able to seek out and destroy bad cholesterol where ever it dwells, Power Heart is the scourge of the Buttery Under World of New Oldly: The City of Whenever. Now, when Carlos speaks his magical oath “No fatties!” he becomes POWER HEART!

And Aquaman punches people with fish.

Together they visit inner city youth shelters, teaching children how to fill out job applications and the importance of adequate tipping while occasionally saving the world from the ruthless machinations of The Orange Bucket and his Legion of Fuck Offs.

So where ever there is three for one wing nights, when ever someone drops their keys into a stripper, how ever somebody forgets what they just came in for, there is just one force to scream for like a lost child in a lost child factory:

As I’m sure your Girlfriend has reminded you by now, Monday is Valentine’s Day, the annual celebration of all things heart-shaped and diamond encrusted. And like most ancient American greeting card manufactured celebrations, many of the origins of the holiday have been lost to the annals of history. Thankfully, we at Van Full of Candy are experts at pretending we know things and have unearthed in our vault a series of long buried, little known facts about this most manipulative of holidays. So snuggle up with the person you’re still with because it would be just too damned much trouble to move on like you both know you should have a long time ago… ENJOY!

Love is a good right cross.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated around the world, though with sometimes subtle differences from region to region. In Germany, lovers exchange small, red velvet boxes filled with a their own feces, in Australia couples take turns drunkenly punching each other in the throat until a perfectly heart-shaped bruise appears and in Africa, where female circumcision is often practiced, the holiday is oddly not celebrated so much.

No Goldenseal?

St. Valentine was chosen to represent the holiday of love only be default since St. Guilttrippingo failed his mandatory piss test for HGH. St. Guilttrippingo was very vehement that he was innocent, but the Roman Empire Athletic Commission had very stringent rules and decided to give the title to St. Valentine who happened to be standing in line waiting to give a sample for his application for the Post Office.

Jesus vs. Jesus...

Over the years in the search for its own Santa or Easter Bunny or drunken stereotype many mascots had been tried for Valentine’s Day including “Heartsy, the Human Heart”, unfortunately living outside the body and without a constant flow of blood Heartsy’s life span didn’t make for a sustainable mascot. Other contenders over the years included “Sqwirsh, the Chocolate Stuffed Teddy Bear”, “Blingy, the Sapphire Monster” and “Gimmie-Gimmie, the gift eating Vagina”. Ultimately though, the Valentine’s organizers settled on a naked flying baby archer.

Should have worn my bright orange diaper

In 1992, the Department of Justice – Bureau of Firearms stated in a press release that the arrow toting hunter known as Cupid applied for an assault weapon license. They went on to state that the application stated that “my bow and arrow are too antiquated and I need to shoot my love from longer distances”. The Bureau decided to deny the “God of Desire” a license for such a weapon, but however did state that they would allow him to carry a crossbow instead. Two years later, Cupid was involved in a freak hunting accident where he was mistaken for a wild boar and killed by a hunter with, ironically, an arrow. His replacement is named Jeff and lives in Wisconsin.

See you in August.

Many people often mistakenly believe February 14th to have a measurably higher rate of suicides than any other day of the year. The commonly held belief is that this holiday, meant specifically to be shared with someone you love, following so closely to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, all major holidays celebrating family, togetherness and camaraderie more often lead to the lonely and disenfranchised to finally succumb to the growing darkness in their soul, finally turning to the sweet embrace of death to release them from the pain of the waking world.

When in actuality the day with the single highest rate of suicides by a margin of 36 to 1 is, not surprisingly, August 3rd, Suicide Day, which commemorates the life and death of “St. Noosius Ligature, the Patron Saint of Oh What’s the Point”

The last little known fact that VFoC was able to uncover in our labs of tedious and exhausting research about the day when we are all forced to show our significant other that we absolutely love them, is one that might really throw the whole holiday for a loop, and one that we really struggled with even letting out of the bag, but thought that if we didn’t we would be doing all of our readers a complete injustice. What we found was nothing

Make it and they shall eat

you could find in any history book or even urbandictionary.com. It was found in a wheat field in southeast England in the early 18th century as a different variety of a crop circle. It was an actual See’s Candy Nuts & Chews crop “formation”. It was in the shape of a heart and distinct detail of the chocolates were very pronounced. In the middle of the “Nuts & Chews” crop formation was a scroll, and on the scroll read “A Diamond is Forever, but chocolate will fatten all of you humans up nicely for our return in 2012 for our 2nd-coming-feeding”. It also had the answer to See’s Candy most expensive chocolate truffle that they make, but that has been lost and the actual secret is still intact. So not to scare any of you with apocalyptic findings, just go ahead and ignore this last finding, venture out and buy some pretty roses, a sappy card, and a big fat box of chocolates and enjoy the holiday.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated around the world, though with sometimes subtle differences from region to region. In Germany, lovers exchange small, red velvet boxes filled with a their own feces, in Australia couples take turns drunkenly punching each other in the throat until a perfectly heart-shaped bruise appears and in Africa, where female circumcision is often practiced, the holiday is oddly not celebrated so much.

No Goldenseal?

St. Valentine was chosen to represent the holiday of love only be default since St. Guilttrippingo failed his mandatory piss test for HGH. St. Guilttrippingo was very vehement that he was innocent, but the Roman Empire Athletic Commission had very stringent rules and decided to give the title to St. Valentine who happened to be standing in line waiting to give a sample for his application for the Post Office.

Jesus vs. Jesus…

Over the years in the search for its own Santa or Easter Bunny or drunken stereotype many mascots had been tried for Valentine’s Day including “Heartsy, the Human Heart”, unfortunately living outside the body and without a constant flow of blood Heartsy’s life span didn’t make for a sustainable mascot. Other contenders over the years included “Sqwirsh, the Chocolate Stuffed Teddy Bear”, “Blingy, the Sapphire Monster” and “Gimmie-Gimmie, the gift eating Vagina”. Ultimately though, the Valentine’s organizers settled on a naked flying baby archer.

Should have worn my bright orange diaper

In 1992, the Department of Justice – Bureau of Firearms stated in a press release that the arrow toting hunter known as Cupid applied for an assault weapon license. They went on to state that the application stated that “my bow and arrow are too antiquated and I need to shoot my love from longer distances”. The Bureau decided to deny the “God of Desire” a license for such a weapon, but however did state that they would allow him to carry a crossbow instead. Two years later, Cupid was involved in a freak hunting accident where he was mistaken for a wild boar and killed by a hunter with, ironically, an arrow. His replacement is named Jeff and lives in Wisconsin.

See you in August.

Many people often mistakenly believe February 14th to have a measurably higher rate of suicides than any other day of the year. The commonly held belief is that this holiday, meant specifically to be shared with someone you love, following so closely to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, all major holidays celebrating family, togetherness and camaraderie more often lead to the lonely and disenfranchised to finally succumb to the growing darkness in their soul, finally turning to the sweet embrace of death to release them from the pain of the waking world.

When in actuality the day with the single highest rate of suicides by a margin of 36 to 1 is, not surprisingly, August 3rd, Suicide Day, which commemorates the life and death of “St. Noosius Ligature, the Patron Saint of Oh What’s the Point”

The last little known fact that VFoC was able to uncover in our labs of tedious and exhausting research about the day when we are all forced to show our significant other that we absolutely love them, is one that might really throw the whole holiday for a loop, and one that we really struggled with even letting out of the bag, but thought that if we didn’t we would be doing all of our readers a complete injustice. What we found was nothing

Make it and they shall eat

you could find in any history book or even urbandictionary.com. It was found in a wheat field in southeast England in the early 18th century as a different variety of a crop circle. It was an actual See’s Candy Nuts & Chews crop “formation”. It was in the shape of a heart and distinct detail of the chocolates were very pronounced. In the middle of the “Nuts & Chews” crop formation was a scroll, and on the scroll read “A Diamond is Forever, but chocolate will fatten all of you humans up nicely for our return in 2012 for our 2nd-coming-feeding”. It also had the answer to See’s Candy most expensive chocolate truffle that they make, but that has been lost and the actual secret is still intact. So not to scare any of you with apocalyptic findings, just go ahead and ignore this last finding, venture out and buy some pretty roses, a sappy card, and a big fat box of chocolates and enjoy the holiday.

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WARNING:

Van Full of Candy only encourages you to climb aboard metaphorical vans for the sole purpose of humorous content. Any embarking upon physical vans, existing in a three dimensional space is to be done with the foreknowledge that you will almost certainly be molested therein. But if that's your thing, enjoy the ride...