Help...

gardenfrogJanuary 9, 2013

I don't need anyone to judge. Just some advice from real people.

I have been married for 17 years
He cheated before we were married (I know, DUH)
He cheated (and denied cheating) after 7 years of marriage right after my dad died.
I found evidence of him looking for single women on craigslist.
I found evidence of him looking at very, very young girls on the history of his computer.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I AM FEELING GUILTY ABOUT WANTING TO LEAVE HIM!?!?

Well, I think underlying your "guilt" is regret at wasting 17 years with this jerk. And regret that your choice of life partner turned out to be a jerk. And a sneaky little bit of hope that your marriage could still be made "OK". It's hard to walk away from a 17 year investment.
But, you know you need to. And you also know you need to report the kiddieporn to the police. You don't want to be wondering for the rest of your life if he followed through with it, or worse, hearing that he did and knowing you could have prevented it.

Thank you, colleenoz for not judging me. I really need encouragement right now. Unfortunately, the stuff that he is looking at is only borderline criminal. I think it is beyond criminal!! I have a police officer friend checking into it.

Nothing illegal about what he's doing if they are 18 or over so no point getting the cops involved. (actually, just *looking* at pictures of girls online of any age, as long as they're not doing or soliciting anything lewd is legal too). Bigger question here is why are you surprised someone you knew was like this before you were married turned out to be like he already was? And why did you marry him in the first place? I assume he must have some good qualities that appeal(ed) to you since you did, so it's not like you haven't gained something from the last 17 years.

Do you want to leave? If so, no reason to feel guilty - you've said he's not only a cheater but a liar too. I sense you simply just don't want to go through the disruption of a divorce. But think of yourself long in the future - will you be glad you stayed with him or wished you have left and found a new life with a man who tells you the truth, or just stayed single? Think of what you're likely to think years from now, and respond accordingly.

Gardenfrog, you have my support if you decide to leave. I left my ex. For a different reason, but when you know your husband does not have your back, and he is not that "into" you, it is time to cut your losses, especially if you don't have children. I am guessing you are in your late 30s, early 40s. Prime of life these days. You deserve better. Best of luck.

I hate divorce, but this kind of betrayal and physical abuse are 2 instances where I would endorse it.

I love my wife and always have. But the idea of her being intimate with another man is unthinkable. I believe in forgiveness but this kind of betrayal would make it hard to ever trust again. If you'd been deceived about something that personal - the sharing of your soul and body - how could you ever feel totally safe with that person again?

And I'm just talking about one occurrence.

I also believe porn is a form of adultery and don't condone it in any form. When sex becomes an end in itself it's a distortion. Nothing can ever duplicate or replace the unbelievable experience of sex when it comes as a natural expression and response to a deeply committed relationship between a man and a woman who are crazy about each other.