Given the contradiction between contemporary notions of gender equality and adherence to dating norms that emphasize the differences between men and women, how many, and which, people are choosing to conform versus reject those conventional dating norms?

Despite extensive literature related to dating and mating preferences, almost nothing is known about modern attitudes toward who should pay for dates, and who actually does pay for dates. One exception is embedded in the Online College Social Life Survey that was collected 2005-2011 on 21 college campuses. One item asked respondents who paid on their most recent date. Among the 12,899 people who had a date with someone of the other sex, 63 percent said the man paid, 2 percent said the woman paid, 16 percent said no money had been spent, and 19 percent said both paid.

Two mass media polls conducted to examine attitudes regarding who “should pay” on a date offer perspective on this question over time. A 1985 Virginia Slims Poll found 31 percent of women and 40 percent of men thought the man should pay, only 4 percent of women and men felt that each person should pay his/her own way, and 1 percent of women and men thought the woman should pay. The remaining 54 percent of women and 42 percent of men thought that whoever asked for the date should pay (who is, according to conventional expectations, typically the man). Seventeen years later, a 2002 Christian Science Monitor poll found very similar patterns: The vast majority of people thought that either the man should pay or the person who asked for the date should pay. A few people thought the bill should be split (16 percent) and essentially no one thought the woman should pay the full expenses. The scant data suggest there is still widespread adherence to this part of conventional dating norms despite nearly 50 years of contemporary feminism.

Given the deep entrenchment of the norm that men should pay for dates, we expected to find many people following convention to some extent. Because of the incentives to change to more egalitarian behaviors described above, we expected to find some women and men – daters of all ages, but especially younger ones – not just paying lip service to gender equality but living up to its ideals by making gender irrelevant to who pays. In this article we present the results of the first large-scale survey that tries to refine our understanding of who pays for dates by including both survey and qualitative items. Our hope is that the answers to these questions can shed light on the extent to which people are reproducing versus reducing gender difference through these recurring dating interactions.

Who reports actually paying on dates – Men, women, or both?

Almost all men (82 percent) and the majority of women (58 percent) agreed that even after dating for a while, the man ends up paying for most of a couple’s dating expenses. These patterns were consistent across age, education, and income groups, although there was a tendency for men with higher incomes to report paying the dating expenses.

For people in relationships for six months or longer, about one-fourth of men and women say they shared expenses right from the start. The majority agree that expenses did become shared some time within the first six months, although a third of the women state that sharing did not start until at least four months of dating. Even after six months, however, 28 percent of men say they always pay compared to only 3 percent of women. Women only partially confirm men’s reports, however: Only 14 percent of women (compared to the 28 percent of men) said their partner still pays for all dating expenses after six months of dating. Of the men who always pay, 38 percent wish expenses were shared, while the rest are fine with the arrangement; of the women who say their partner always pays, 36 percent wish expenses were shared, and the rest are fine as is.

Looking at people in relationships, using our typology, men and women with more egalitarian attitudes were the most likely to say they split expenses right from the start or within the first month of dating. For the most part, people in this category demonstrated consistency between attitudes and behaviors.

• Who should pay on dates

according to men and women?

Although men and women agreed that men generally paid more of the expenses, overall, a slight majority of women claim they always offer to pay their share, even on a first date (57 percent). Older women were less likely to report always offering.

But do women want their offers to be accepted or rejected? Nearly two-fifths of women resent it when men do accept their money. Even among the women who say they always offer to pay, nearly one-third of these women (32 percent) said they would prefer that the man rejects their offers to pay, and one-third (34 percent) said they resent it when a man expects them to help pay. Overall, just over two-fifths feel bothered when they feel men expect them to help pay, and this was truer of older women than younger women.

Men are in a bit of a bind, however, because there is no clear path for men to follow: Another two-fifths of women said they were bothered when men won’t accept their offers to help pay for dates. The deviation from the conventional norm by almost half of the dating population creates ambiguity for men regarding whether to insist on paying the check.

Do men expect to pay all expenses, or do they expect women to contribute? And how do they feel about the women who don’t offer to share expenses? Overall, very few men could be described as true conventionalists: Only 7 percent strongly disagreed with the idea that women should help pay expenses after the first few dates, with 36 percent strongly or somewhat disagreeing. Approximately one-third of men reported that they were bothered when a woman tries to pay the bill on a date. Nearly all men who said this bothered them also reported that they would feel guilty if they did not pay for their dates (91 percent).

In contrast to these conventionalists, a solid majority (64 percent) of men agreed that women should help pay. Our most surprising finding is that nearly half (44 percent) of the men said that they would stop dating a woman who never offers to pay any expenses on a date. Older men, however, were less comfortable with this position, with only one-third of older men stating they would stop dating a woman who never paid, which is still a substantial minority of older men. The relative income of the date was also a factor, especially if their dates earn more: One-third of men (34 percent) were willing to say that women with a higher income should pay more of the expenses.

How do men feel when they

do not pay for dates?

Undoing the gender roles in dates, however, comes with emotional consequences for men. Many men feel guilty when violating the “man should pay” norm. Despite the fact that nearly two-thirds of men agreed that “after the first few dates, women should help pay expenses,” three-fourths of men agreed that they feel guilty when they don’t pay the bill on dates, and this was generally true across age, income and educational groups. Even among men who say women should help pay for expenses, 72 percent of these men report feeling guilty when they do not pay. Similarly, among the men who say they would stop dating a woman who never offers to pay any dating expenses, 71 percent report feeling guilty when women pay.

• Do people feel paying for A Date and sexual activity are connected?

Any implied reciprocity of physical intimacy for being treated was mostly not endorsed by our respondents, especially not by the men. Only a minority of men and women – but more women than men – explicitly connected sex and paying for dates. One in six men believed that women should engage in sexual activity if the man pays for a date, with 18- to 25-year-old men most likely to endorse this position (21 percent). Men who always pay for dates and wish expenses were shared, however, were twice as likely to expect sexual activity as men who always pay for dates and are OK with that set-up (23 percent vs. 11 percent).

For women, about one-third agreed with the statement, “When I help pay, I feel less pressured to engage in sexual activity,” and there was a strong association between older age and feeling this reduced pressure. Only 22 percent of women 18-25 reported that paying reduced their pressure to be sexual, but this percentage climbed across the age groups, culminating in nearly half of women (46 percent) ages 56-65 reporting this reduced pressure. Among the women who disagreed with our single-item statement, we could not distinguish between those who felt no pressure, even when treated, and those who felt pressure to be intimate, even when they helped pay.

CULTURAL MOVEMENT

Our data suggest significant movement away from a monolithic cultural norm for dating and toward a more variable set of strategies and interactions. The data here support the notion that many people’s behaviors – across age, income, and education variations – are disrupting old gendered assumptions about “who pays.”

Changing these behaviors both reflect and reinforce changing social norms. It is clearly no longer men’s exclusive responsibility to pay for dates. Only 14 percent of men believe paying for everything is still the man’s responsibility. A solid majority of men (64 percent) said they expect some degree of financial contribution. Albeit fewer, but still a majority of women (56 percent) said they are not bothered by men’s expectations to share expenses.

The flipside of that statistic – the 44 percent of women who admitted they are bothered when men expect them to pay – reveals resistance to social change. That is, even among those who are willing to contribute, a substantial proportion of women indicated that they preferred to choose whether to help pay. Choice, while generally desirable, is only consistent with egalitarian ideology if both men and women get to choose whether to pay dating expenses, and that is obviously not the case.

Consistent with a point raised by William J. Goode, author of the article “Why Men Resist,” our findings indicated that many women are resisting a change that is associated with loss of a female privilege: Six in 10 women said men pay more (and 8 in 10 men agree), even after dating a while, and one-third of the women in relationships admitted waiting four to six months or longer before sharing expenses.

Our narratives suggest some women are looking for cues of a man’s interest in a relationship, while others are testing a man’s prowess as future providers. Many women say they just enjoy the spoils of chivalry.

Many men seem to enjoy their part in chivalrous scripts, too. Our data – especially the narrative answers volunteered – made clear that many men still enjoy treating in the early stages of dating. Chivalry benefits men then because the early stages of dating are fraught with uncertainties and ambiguities, and the men seem more “at risk” of being ill judged than the women. When he doesn’t know a woman well, a man cannot distinguish between the woman who would be offended if he takes the money she offers and the woman who would be offended if he refuses it. Our data confirm that often the same women hold these conflicting views.

As our one narrative vividly showed, gender can even trump relative economic means as a predictor of who pays: Some men may want to pay more even when she earns more. While many men want to demonstrate their romantic interest or commitment and/or their financial ability to pay, the narratives also made clear that “who pays” is a sensitive issue for men, too. They don’t want to feel “used” by women, and they don’t want to think they are dating someone who espouses one set of values while displaying another.

David Frederick is a psychology professor with Chapman University’s Crean School of Health and Life Sciences.

Editor’s note

In last week’s Living Textbook, we presented a summary of new research on modern gender roles in paying for dates between members of the opposite sex. The study, conducted by a three-person team including professor David Frederick of Chapman University, surveyed about 17,600 unmarried heterosexual participants and reported their behaviors and attitudes on who does and who should pay for dates. Among several findings, the research showed that consistent with conventional norms, majorities of men and women reported that men pay for most expenses, even after dating for a while, despite cultural shifts in the past 50 years toward economic equality for men and women. This week we expound on the research in an edited excerpt from the academic article written by the research team.

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