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What’s another year?

I will also deliberately miss the semi-finals tomorrow night, and will be gutted too.

I believe the finals are on this weekend and would like to take the opportunity of giving you the results in advance.

The contest will open with an entry that is instantly forgettable.

It will be followed by a series of equally forgettable screeches with an accompaniment of outlandish and outrageous images. There will be weird dances, bizarre gimmicks and stage props that will convince half the audience they are on LSD.

After a couple of hours of this torture the voting will commence and will be introduced by a presenter [or two] who will try to liven the whole thing up by cracking some jaw-clenchingly embarrassing jokes.

Ireland will give high marks to the UK who will respond with little or no votes.

Norway, Sweden, Denmark and Iceland will all vote for each other.

The main interest though will be amongst the Eastern European and Asian countries, most of which we have never heard of and not one sinner could place on a map, who will all be frantically racking up huge scores by voting for each other. Their only contenders are the Mediterranean countries who will also be voting amongst themselves.

The Irish entry [assuming it has qualified] will come in in the bottom three and we will be reminded several times of how Ireland used to win on a regular basis.

The winner will be a song that the vast majority of the public will agree didn't deserve to win. The winning singer will have hysterics and will probably cry.

By the following morning, no one will be able to tell what the song was, let alone hum it, and that will be that for another year.

Just as a matter of interest – when did Russia become part of Europe anyway?

You would do us all a favour by posting something entitled Twenty Things to do to avoid thinking about the Eurovision Song Contest.

When did Russia become part of Europe? When they gave Napoleon's mighty army a good drubbing in 1812. Tchaikovsky, who was a sexier composer than Johnny Logan, used captured live cannon for his pop hit The 1812 Overture.

Russia is probably more qualified as part of Europe than Israel – which used to win back in the 70s (and which plays its football in Europe – as does Kazakhstan, which decided to move from Asia to Europe). I think that Britain might manage a win if it entered itself as its constituent parts. "We now go to Saint Peter Port for the votes of the Guernsey jury, bonsoir Saint Pierre . .