Monday, December 31, 2007

I really want to say something profound here. I really want to speak of happy memories and great times. The truth is, well, the truth is, I have to write the way it was.

Patrick left this planet on December 16, 2007. He was a good man. Though he was wrought with a disease (alcohol) he tried to live a clean life. He loved me, I truly believe he loved me. But I also truly believe that it was not the right time for us. I was grieving my own loss, my life was changing and the choices I had been making weren't very good for me.

Patrick was there for me, whatever I wanted, if it was within his power, he made it happen for me. I wanted to go to Minnesota (so I thought), I couldn't handle it. I couldn't tell him I couldn't handle it. I don't know why I couldn't handle it, but he suffered from my turmoil.

Then, I HAD to come back to Texas. He said, "yes, babe, whatever you want". He came with. He left his life in Minnesota, a job, his family, because I wanted it. He wanted what I wanted. When that wasn't working for me, when I still could not find peace and happiness, I left him. I couldn't tell him why I left him, but he suffered from my turmoil.

My life spiraled out of control after that. I moved back in with Patrick, I moved out again. Then I showed up on his doorstep without warning. He let me in, but he suffered from my turmoil. He accepted me and whatever came with that, he accepted it.

He died. I regret never really saying I was sorry for all the grief and heartache I put on him. So, I'm saying it now; Patrick, I'm so very sorry.