Navigation

9.30.2015

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Fox Entertainment Group, Inc. apologized for any confusion and announced Fox News was not a news network and never had been. The parent company of the non-news network declared Fox News was actually a bold reality show giving Americans a live look into the world of people so mentally ill they needed to reside in a mental health facility for the safety of others and themselves.

"Fox News has never been a legitimate source of news, and has always been a brutal look into the world of hate, fear, paranoia, and perceived victimization that severely mentally-ill individuals live in. It's parent company is Fox Entertainment Group, Inc. That should tell you all you need to know," explained Fox News spokesperson Debra Wolves, who asked TNA's reporter to place sharp objects in a bucket before entering the Fox News building.

The Four Horsemen of the Republican Party: Hate, Fear, Paranoia, and Perceived Victimization. Everyone at Fox News suffers from all four conditions.

Wolves added, "No healthy society would ever allow such a divisive and hate-mongering 'news network' to function. It would poison the national discourse in order to play Americans against each other. That would be unconscionable, and cause abject misery for the poor, disabled, elderly, racial minorities, and so many others. No republic could function properly."

"Probably the most disturbing thing about this situation is one of the two major political parties treats Fox News as if it really was news. Our patients have actually read Republican Party talking points verbatim on the air, and many people buy them. Some days Fox News looks more like a tragic satire than a mental health facility reality show," stated Wolves.

Upon hearing the news he would never recover from his acute mental illness, Bill O'Reilly attacked Fox News and accused it of being "a liberal conspiracy." A short time later, O'Reilly was informed he had indefinitely lost his privilege to leave the building.

Sean Hannity and all the hosts of the Fox News shows "Outnumbered" and "The Five" also lost the privilege to leave the Fox News building after "responding extremely anti-socially and belligerently" to the news they were acutely mentally ill.