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Friday, June 25, 2010

I’m totally unconcerned with tonight’s NHL entry draft. Why? If you didn’t know, the Leafs made a somewhat controversial trade that removed them from not only the first two rounds of this year’s draft, but the first round of next year’s draft as well. Watching Boston go up to the podium to pick second isn’t what I call enjoyable television.

But there is a draft that I am very interested in. It did not receive much hype, so not many people knew about it. That’s what happens when your league doesn’t have a major TV deal in place. This past weekend I watched the most riveting live draft that I’ve ever seen. You may not have caught it since not many people subscribe to TSN3.

The draft in question is none other than the 2010 Fictional Hockey Player Entry Draft (you read that correctly).

Toronto may have traded their 2010 and 2011 first round picks in the NHL Entry Draft, but they still have their first round pick for the 2010 Fictional Hockey Player Entry Draft. The draft order was determined in the same way the normal draft was. That means Toronto held the second overall pick.

Here’s a running diary of the madness that ensued.
The Edmonton Oilers are kicking off the first ever Fictional Hockey Player Entry Draft with a huge dilemma – do they choose Adam Banks, the goal scoring centre from Minnesota, or Dean Youngblood, the slick winger raised on a farm outside Stanton. This is a much cooler debate than Taylor vs. Tyler, mainly because hearing the name Youngblood is super badass.

Banks is a safer bet for the Oilers because Youngblood’s commitment to hockey isn’t as strong. Youngblood briefly quit junior hockey during the middle of the playoffs because his friend was seriously injured. Banks, on the other hand, famously said “I just want to play hockey” after being forced to leave the Hawks for the hapless Ducks. With Edmonton’s history of being burned by players it will be refreshing to have a player who isn’t concerned where he’s playing.

This isn’t to say that Banks is a worse player. He was a scoring machine in pewee hockey and starred for the Ducks during the Junior Goodwill Games. Throughout Mighty Ducks 1 and 2 he scored a whopping ten goals and added one assist in nine games, while adding the championship winning shootout goal in the final against Iceland. He was even selected for the varsity team as a freshman at the prestigious Eden Hall prep school.

Additionally, Banks is a tough player who has been constantly targeted by opponents because of his superior skill. After receiving a vicious slash from Iceland’s Olalf Sanderson in the final round robin game in the Junior Goodwill Games Banks suited up for a crucial quarter-final matchup against Germany. It wasn’t until Coach Bombay stopped sleeping with Iceland’s women and actually took an interest in his team that Banks was pulled from the line-up for USA’s semi-final matchup (not without heavy protest of course).

The Maple Leafs have reportedly been working the phones feverishly for the past few days trying to work on a major deal and now Gary Bettman is walking to the podium amidst a chorus of boos. He’s announcing a trade!

Gary Bettman: There is a trade to announce. The Toronto Maple Leafs trade their 1st round pick in the 2012 NHL Entry draft to the Florida Panthers for the 3rd overall selection in the 2010 Fictional Hockey Player Entry Draft. They then trade their 1st round pick in the 2013 NHL Entry Draft to the Columbus Blue Jackets for the 4th selection in the 2010 Fictional Hockey Player Entry Draft.

Holy shit! The Leafs don't have a first round pick until 2014, but they now own three of the first four picks in this draft! I’m speechless. Should I be happy or should I round-up all the booze in the house!?

2. Toronto Maple Leafs

Jeff Hanson

Charleston Chiefs (from Slap Shot)

3. Toronto Maple Leafs (from Florida Panthers)

Steve Hanson
Charleston Chiefs (from Slap Shot)

4. Toronto Maple Leafs (from Columbus Blue Jackets)

Jack Hanson
Charleston Chiefs (from Slap Shot)

Yup, I'm gathering the booze right now.

Brian Burke clearly wasn’t satisfied with the level of truculence and pugnacity on the team last year and has boldly acquired the Hanson brothers to foil up and take on the league. While these trades don’t necessarily make the Leafs better, they will certainly make them a much scarier team to play against. Burke is now being interviewed by James Duthie.

James Duthie: This is your third major draft day trade, Brian, and I can’t help but wonder whether trading your real NHL draft picks for fictional ones is the best way of re-building your team.
Brian Burke: Listen, if I had to do this trade again today I would. I believe in these players and as I’ve said before, I’m not interested in a five-year re-build.

...Draft Schmaft.

5. NYI
Dean Youngblood
Hamilton Mustangs (from Youngblood)

Charles Wang is practically crying at the podium as he announces Youngblood’s name. Youngblood was a potential first overall pick and now he falls to number five after Brian Burke loses his mind.

Youngblood is a left winger who should compliment John Tavares well. He’s a little small, standing at only 5’10 and weighing 160 lbs, but he’s 17 and will fill out. Regardless, he is a tough, feisty player who plays larger than his body, much like Doug Gilmour. He came back to the ice after losing teeth from a wicked high stick from Carl Racki and later laid out Racki who falls short of only Ogie Ogilthorpe as the most notorious movie goon of all-time.

In only three junior playoff games Youngblood tallied five goals and one assist, despite being benched for most of the games because he was dating the coach’s daughter. That was stupid coaching because Youngblood once scored 92 goals and 125 assists for the Stanton Flyers before making the Hamilton Mustangs.

He’s also a big-game player. Youngblood scored a hat-trick in the Memorial Cup Final, one of which was the game tying goal with ten seconds left and another was the game winning goal scored on a penalty shot with three seconds left. Money.

6. Tampa Bay

Gunnar Stahl
Team Iceland (from Mighty Ducks 2)

I wouldn’t be surprised if Gunnar Stahl was a distant relative of the Canadian Staal clan.

Stahl is unfairly categorized with the rest of Team Iceland as a goon, but he is just a very physical player who plays a pretty clean game. In both games against the US he was a physical force and racked up four goals and one assist. And that was against the eventual tournament winner. He ended up leading the Junior Goodwill Games in scoring and terrorized the tournament. Think of Stahl as a younger version of Peter Forsberg.

Gary Bettman: There is a trade to announce. The Carolina Hurricanes trade the 7th overall pick in the 2010 Fictional Hockey Player Entry Draft to the Vancouver Canucks for the 25th overall selection and a “prescription for glaucoma” from a “reputable” Vancouver doctor.
7. Vancouver (from Carolina)

The Canucks clearly see their major flaw as leadership. Roberto Luongo is uncomfortable with the captaincy and has even said he’d prefer he wasn’t the captain. As a result, the Canucks are jumping up in the draft to select Captain Duck, Charlie Conway.

Some scouts thought Conway would fall further down the draft board after putting up a few statistically mediocre movies (two goals and three assists in ten games in Mighty Ducks 1 and 2), but the Canucks aren’t taking any chances.

Conway turned into an elite scorer in Mighty Ducks 3 potting three goals and one assist in two games, while at the same time learning the art of defence. In addition, Conway truly learned what it takes to be a captain. He now realizes it isn’t just a letter on the chest, but a burning dedication to the team.

Oh God, Pierre McGuire is here too.

Pierre McGuire: Get ready Vancouver fans for this pleasant young man out of Minneapolis, Minnesota. He's the real deal. Charlie Conway is the next Trevor Linden.

8. Atlanta

Olalf Sanderson
Team Iceland (from Mighty Ducks 2)

Sanderson is easily the dirtiest player whose name isn’t Racki or Ogilthorpe. He viciously slashes Banks’ wrist and is constantly taking runs at opponents. However, he does have some skill (unless you think he's riding the coat tails of Gunnar Stahl). In two games against the US he scored two goals and added three assists, plus a shootout goal.

Sanderson will definitely get called for more penalties in the NHL, but he should also score his fair share of goals. Atlanta hopes that Sanderson develops into someone akin to Dino Ciccarelli.

The Wild are going with the hometown boy with this pick - always a fan-friendly move. Germaine is the most underrated player of the Mighty Ducks movies. He is the most physical player in the first movie, but doesn’t receive as much attention for this in D2 because the Bash Brothers hot dog after every hit they throw. I’m sorry guys, but Germany is probably on a breakaway now because you’re both chest bumping in front of the bench.

Germaine also tallied a respectable 2 goals and 4 assists in ten games in D1 and D2, including a shoot-out goal in the final against Iceland.

He is also tremendously respected by his teammates. In the final against the Hawks in D1, the Ducks, even Conway, choose Guy to take the deciding penalty shot. It’s only on the hunch of Bombay that Charlie gets a chance. Or maybe it was because Bombay was banging Charlie’s Mom and had to make her happy.

The Rangers are hoping that Reed is the second coming of Al MacInnins. That might be a stretch considering Mac could actually play defence. Reed routinely leads himself out of position with thundering bodychecks and instead of skating hard to get back in the play he hot dogs it for the crowd. Dummy. But his shot is a rocket and will immediately improve the New York power-play.

11. Dallas

Ned Braden
Charleston Chiefs (from Slap Shot)

Braden is the most talented player in the Federal League, which is sort of like saying you're the hottest girl in the faculty of engineering. He led the league in scoring, which is nice, except the Federal League is full of goons, so it isn’t exactly impressive. Hopefully Braden doesn't feel good about this like Brent Gretzky is of the 128 points he scored in 1999-2000 for the Asheville Smoke of the UHL.

Braden steadily refuses to engage in any goonery even amidst benching. He would rather strip in front of an entire arena than play physically. Although, he did punch out his coach, so he can be coerced. He's an enigma to say the least.

There’s no way the Ducks could pass up on one of their own. They will even gain some publicity for being the first NHL team to draft a female player.

Moreau puts up two goals and four assists over the first two Mighty Ducks, but will be best remembered as being saved by Cowboy Dwayne with a lasso because she couldn’t dig the puck out of the corner…while no one was around…while the puck was just lying against the boards. Come on, Connie! Two women were just inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame; you’re making your entire gender look bad!

Julie “the Cat” Gaffney didn’t receive much playing time from Coach Bombay during the Junior Goodwill Games, despite clearly being a better goalie than incumbent Greg Goldberg. There must have been some sort of sexual favours being exchanged, otherwise Goldberg had no place in the net. This is surely true because Goldberg quickly loses the starting job at Eden Hall to Gaffney.

It’s might seem strange that the Flames choose a goalie since they already have an All-Star in net, but Gaffney has a great glove and has shown the ability to come into a game cold and stone the opposition – even in a shoot-out. The Flames are one of the worst shoot-out teams in the league and are willing to remove Kipper every time the game goes that deep.

14. St Louis

Derek Sutton (SWAYZE!)
Hamilton Mustangs (from Youngblood)

If Sutton was healthy he would be in the running for the first overall draft choice. Some scouts even think he’s in a category alone and there wouldn’t even be a discussion as to who is the best player available.

So, if Sutton is so good why did he fall so far? Well, it’s unknown whether he can ever play hockey again. He suffered a terrible head injury when his head hit the ice after being blindsided by Carl Racki. The extent of the damage isn’t known, mainly because Thunder Bay in the 1980s couldn’t afford to provide a CAT scan. Not too sure if Thunder Bay in 2010 has that sort of technological capability. Some medical personnel fear Sutton might have brain damage.

The Blues are clearly taking a risk here (but if you don’t take a risk in a fictional hockey draft then when do you take a risk?), but Sutton’s numbers before his injury make it worth it. Sutton was in his fourth year of Junior A as the captain of the Hamilton Mustangs and already scored 91 goals before Dean Youngblood joined the team. He plays a physical style, but can also thread passes through the defence or hammer home goals of his own.

With his combination of skills and head injuries it’s clear that Sutton most closely resembles Eric Lindros.

The Bruins desperately need a natural winger to go along with their copious amounts of centremen.

Mendoza is the fastest player in the draft and could become the fastest player in the entire NHL. Unfortunately, he still has trouble stopping, a rudimentary skill that couldn’t be taught by Coach Bombay, which says a lot about what Bombay was doing all of D2.

Mendoza is somewhat of a sexual predator in D3 and the Bruins should be wary of letting him out on the town unaccompanied. Although, his company must not run interference on anyone while Luis shows a young woman where the bathroom is.

16. Ottawa

Ogie Ogilthorpe

Syracuse Bulldogs (from Slap Shot)

The Senators are definitely tired of having Colton Orr maim Matt Carkner and decide to bring in the most notorious goon of the Federal League. Ogilthorpe is one of the most infamous enforcers to ever disgrace a hockey rink. The Senators are clearly taking a risk with Ogilthorpe considering he was once deported to Canada, but the country refused to accept him back. There might be some VISA problems here.

Don Hendrix, owner of Hendrix Hockey, described Robertson as the best puckhandler he has ever seen. In fact, Robertson’s puckhandling is so good he rarely gives up the puck…which includes passing and even shooting considering he only scored once in both movies.

He’s also a bit of a head case. He not only brings his cowboy hat and lasso to every practice, but he brings them to the bench every game and occasionally uses them to rodeo his opponents.

Gary Bettman: There is a trade to announce. The Nashville Predators trade the 18th overall pick in the Fictional Hockey Player Entry Draft to the Washington Capitals for the 26th overall pick and all five seasons of the Wire on DVD .
18. Washington (from Nashville)

Reg Dunlop
Charleston Chiefs (from Slap Shot)

It’s doubtful that Dunlop has more than one more year of hockey left in his body, but the Capitals need his veteran presence after their epic collapse against the Canadiens in the playoffs. And Reg Dunlop is the definition of a savvy vet.

Dunlop is a master tactician and manipulator, always able to get the most out of his players, even with limited skill. Not a scorer? Don’t worry, Reg will make you think you’re a fighter. And he’ll make it work, too.

The Capitals need to find a way to motivate their superstars in the playoffs and they need someone to convince them that playing physically is the actual way to win. Dunlop will do whatever it takes, even if it means pushing a teammate’s marriage to the brink and then sleeping with his teammate’s wife.
19. Los Angeles

John Biebe (ya, that’s Russell Crowe in Mystery, Alaksa, which I saw in theatres)

Mystery (from Mystery, Alaska)

If Biebe hangs out around Sidney Crosby long enough then maybe his beard growing abilities will wear off on Sid. It’s worth a shot. Sid can’t drive a van during playoff time for his uncanny resemblance to every paedophile in the world.

What? Russell Crowe doesn't have a beard in that movie? Well, I couldn't bring myself to go back and watch Mystery, Alaska, so you'll have to suspend your disbelief momentarily.

21. Detroit

Jesse Hall

Mighty Ducks/Team USA (from the Mighty Ducks 1-2)

If the Red Wings want to draft Hall they will have to find him first. He disappears without any explanation in D3, which can only lead me to assume that Eden Hall was super racist and didn’t want to let in two black people.

Internet conspiracy theories suggest Disney already had Goodburger fill the role of Token Black Kid, so Hall was obsolete, except to believe that we’d have to ignore the fact that there were two black players on the Ducks in both the first and second movie.

Hall is one of the players chosen to shoot for USA in the shoot-out against Iceland, which means he has some skill, but his personality is what is scaring most teams. He’s openly racist, calling every white person a cake eater, and constantly bristles with Coach Bombay and teammates. He’s also easy to rattle. He tried to jump into the crowd and fight Goodburger after being taunted mercilessly by the jester. Maybe there’s more than just Disney racism that caused Hall to lose his spot on the team.

22. Phoenix

Jack the Monkey

From MVP: Most Valuable Primate

After their most successful season in the desert, the Coyotes seem desperate to keep the fans coming out to the arena after everyone eventually forgets about playoff hockey. Drafting a three-year-old chimpanzee is bizarre, but when you’re trying to sell a sport on ice to a bunch of people in a desert you’re willing to try anything.

Clearly, the Sabres don’t need a starting goalie considering Ryan Miller just won the Vezina Trophy. That’s good, because Goldberg is far from a starting goalie. He was originally afraid of being hit with the puck and I don’t think he’s over that fear because he didn’t make any saves that he actually had to move his body for. So, he’s a goalie that is out of shape, can’t stop a puck, and rips farts that no one can stand. He’s immediately better than Patrick Lalime.

24. New Jersey

Dave “Killer” Carlson

Charleston Chiefs (from Slap Shot)

The Devils haven’t had a tough defenceman since Scott Stevens retired. Carlson won’t confuse anyone with Stevens, but he tries his hardest each game and is willing to do whatever the coach says in order to win. He sticks up for his teammates and is willing to take up a bounty on a man’s head. Gritty.

Wu Wu, Kenny Wu. He’s actually the third figure skater to ever play for the Mighty Ducks. He’s small, shifty, and confuses his opponents while he spins in circles during the middle of the game. He’s basically an Asian Sergei Samsonov. The only difference is he’s actually willing to involve himself physically, which made him the third Bash Brother.
Gary Bettman: There is a trade to announce. The Nashville Predators trade the 26th overall pick in the 2010 Fictional Hockey Player Entry Draft to the Montreal Canadiens for a lifetime membership to Club Super Sex and the rights to Carey Price’s drug dealer.
26. Montreal (from Nashville from Washington)

Gordon Bombay
Mighty Ducks/Team USA (from the Mighty Ducks 1-3)

Bombay scored 198 goals in a single peewee season and was on a somewhat circuitous route to the NHL before incurring a devastating knee injury while playing in the minors. Hab fans hoping that Bombay will suit up for the Canadiens will probably be disappointed (although Bombay’s impeding limp mysteriously disappears after one day in D2, so there might be hope).

It’s possible that the Canadiens are actually grooming Bombay to take over the head coaching position. Who wouldn’t want the Minnesota Miracle Man coaching their team!?

Let’s look at Bombay’s coaching highlights: endangers children’s lives by driving a limo on a frozen pond; bangs Charlie Conway’s Mom; teaches the kids how to dive (won’t need to teach any Habs this trick); alienates the team’s black players; doesn’t conduct one legitimate practice; bangs Iceland chick while telling her team game plan; abandons the team almost forcing them to forfeit; continues to play Goldberg despite his shittiness; lets Banks play through hurt wrist in quarter-final before taking him out of the semi-final; and FINALLY, he’s prepared to let Adam Banks, the team’s best player, sit out the Final in favour of some kid who walked on the team a day before. He’s also a heavy drinker, so not only is he perfect for the Montreal party scene, but he’s a huge upgrade over Jacques Martin.

27. Montreal

Denis Lemiuex
Charleston Chiefs (from Slap Shot)

The Montreal Canadiens only have three French-Canadian players, unless you count Benoit Pouliot (who is actually from Alfred, Ontario), which makes four. What’s worse, not only are French-Canadian goalies a dying breed in general, but they haven’t had one since Jose Theodore was run out-of-town in 2006. That's a travesty. This is clearly a problem for a franchise that has a rich tradition of French-Canadian goalies that includes Patrick Roy, Jacques Plante, and Georges Vezina.

With Lemiuex backing up Carey Price there will be no question which goalie will start, which should please Price. Lemiuex also conducts excellent interviews and should keep the press from plaguing Carey Price with daily questions about his rampant party life.

28. San Jose

Heaver
Hamilton Mustangs (from Youngblood)

Heaver is another French-Canadian goalie, which means he’s good since Youngblood was made in the 1980s when French-Canadian goaltending was still the envy of the world.

The Sharks think Heaver can become an elite goalie in the NHL. If Keanu Reeves is so fast that he can dodge multiple bullets then he must be fast enough to stop a couple dozen hockey pucks a game.

29. Philadelphia
Dean Portman

Team USA/Junior Varsity Eden Hall Warriors (from Mighty Ducks 2-3)

Not much left at this point, so the Flyers are taking the second half of the Bash Brothers to fit their image as the Broad Street Bullies. Portman will never be mistaken for a scoring threat, but he brings energy to the team and could create the second coming of the Bash Brothers with Daniel Carcillo.

The Blackhawks are easily the yappiest team in the league with the likes of Patrick Sharp, Kris Versteeg, and Adam Burish. Although cap constrictions might mean one of these players is gone. As a result they need a good character player to do running commentary as he rides the bench and talk smack to the other team. Averman’s mouth runs for the entire Mighty Ducks series, yet he still manages to tally 7 points in 13 games, which means he’s immediately better than Adam Burish.

﻿That's it! Thanks TSN3, that was thoroughly fun. Maybe we can do this again in 10 years after they reboot the Mighty Ducks franchise.

9 comments:

Happy Gilmore
said...

How the hell didn't I get picked. Not only did my Dad teach me how to shoot the greatest slap-shot, but during high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

Anonymous, I had no idea what The Cutting Edge was until I imdb'd it. Not only do I dislike romance movies, but I think figure skating is rigged. Either way, according to this picture, Doug Dorsey wears a Wayne Gretzky style paper helmet. I immediately dislike him.

I disagree as to how low Dean Portman was taken. Clearly was the only NHL ready guy on the Ducks at the end of D3. Also has rare ability to join a roster in the middle of the game and play in the game.

The disappearance of Jesse Hall obviously has something to do with the disappearance of his brother Terry who, after the Minnesota Miracle, fell off the face of the earth, thus breaking apart the Ducks' famed "Oreo Line".