Celebrating Beauty In Every Moment

Nellie-Jean is a devoted wife and mama, writer, avid reader, nature lover, and slow living enthusiast ever seeking God and reflecting on the WILD ride as she goes. She has been writing for over a decade and sharing her journey through mental and physical illness, recovery, and spiritual awakening with the public. It’s been a long road full of many difficult lessons and along the way she has learned a great deal of humility, patience, forgiveness and acceptance for God’s sweet grace. She believes in the power of the human spirit to overcome adversity and that each of us has the ability to rise beyond our fears and build a life of purpose. You can find her writing about faith, family, health, and happiness at AdalmarLife.com or connect on Instagram @AdalmarLife.

I am so thrilled that my friend, Nellie-Jean Grace Russell, who blogs over at Adalmar Life, is joining us as a contributing-writer-at-large. She is a wonderful creative, and I am sure you all will enjoy her thoughtful offerings on faith, life, health, healing and hope. I nearly cried reading this piece, as it is filled with such courage and vulnerability.

Catalysts of Faith

“Govern everything by your wisdom, O Lord, so that my soul may always be serving you in the way you will and not as I choose. Let me die to myself so that I may serve you; let me live to you who are life itself.”

~ Saint Teresa of Avila

It’s no secret that I’ve been on an intense spiritual journey these past few years that has led me all over the map of my soul. But something happened to me this past week that shocked me to my core. On the morning of Sunday, May 22, I found myself in a place I never imagined that I, Nellie-Jean Russell, would ever be. Feeling saved… by Jesus.

Even writing those words is still hard for me. Like really hard for some reason. Growing up in a Christian church was not the best experience and I left the church for many years once I reached my teens. My spiritual life has ebbed and flowed and grown to amazing new depths over the past few years, but where I’ve landed this past week has truly astonished me.

The place of faith I’ve found myself in today doesn’t discount the incredible spiritual experiences I’ve already had or the amazing saints and spiritual truths out there that have led me to this point. It all matters. There are many facets of Hinduism and Buddhism and several other belief systems that have been critical in my spiritual formation and will always have a deep place in my soul. They have all been catalysts for my faith. But this year has been about refinement. It’s been a period of discovery for me to figure out what is truly written on my heart and see what ignites my inner passions. And surprisingly enough, I’ve found my way to Jesus.

Yes, I’ve reached a point for the first time in my entire life that I feel comfortable to consider that maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t mind calling myself a Christian. A thought that has been so far from my comfort zone for my entire life. But really it’s not all that crazy of a thought, even for me, someone who only six years ago considered myself a die hard atheist. I mean really… God has been at the core of every decision I make and all that I do since I had my first big awakening in 2013 and Jesus has been one aspect of my spiritual life for several years. But up until now, some aspects of Jesus were missing from the equation. Particularly, the Savior part.

Choosing for Myself

I’ve been a huge fan of the work Jesus did for a long time now, but throughout my theological studies and respect for the man Jesus, I’ve never been able to cross that tipping point in my heart to seeing the Divine side, the Christ in him. Recently I’ve wanted to though, I’ve tried and prayed even to help my heart fully understand on the soul level not just an intellectual kind of way. I knew there was more I wanted to feel and understand, I just hadn’t crossed over into that place of knowing until this past weekend.

I recently started attending church with my husband after discovering a new found interest in the Christian faith. So last Sunday as I sat in church, the Spirit filled me and I finally crossed the threshold I had been hoping for. I finally felt it and understood like I had been longing for and it made me feel so free and alive.

Later that day I began to ask myself, why now? Why after so many years of being exposed to Christianity and feeling completely uninterested, and sometimes downright disgusted, was I suddenly having this WILD change of heart? I was somewhat forced as a kid to attend but never felt like I belonged there. The label of Christianity repelled me for so many years and carried such a heavy stigma with it. So I finally realized the difference after some introspection. This was the first time in my life that I had CHOSEN this for myself without any outside influence. I had done all the learning and seeking myself. No one had led me to it. Not even my husband has ever suggested that I join him at church. He has always supported my personal spiritual journey in whatever way I choose to live it out, so the decision and calling I felt on my heart was solely between me and God. And it feels REALLY good.

Thoroughly Held and Loved

So as the week continued I felt like I was walking in the clouds and thoroughly being held through all the difficult moments and chaos around me. Thursday night was very difficult getting my toddler to bed. I was at my wits end as we battled it out for over two hours. After a while I was so distraught, angry, and praying my heart out for some relief or answers.

As I sat on the floor in the kitchen crying my eyes out, begging God to help me or give me an answer to help with my stress and frustration, I was suddenly inspired to stand up and walk to the kitchen sink. There, I looked out the window and noticed a smudge on the glass. In a split second I realized I saw letters formed in the smudge and upon closer inspection I picked out the letters F and J. As soon as I made this acknowledgment, the words “follow Jesus” entered my mind. Nothing of my own mind’s doing, but a message and an answered prayer. At that moment I dropped to my knees and the tears began to flow even harder, but in a much different light. I felt covered and relieved.

And the answered prayers have continued this week. But my oh my HOW our prayers are answered. Most often not in the ways we imagine or hope they will be, but we cannot be attached to the way WE think things should be. God is wild and free and works in some pretty out there ways. And sometimes things that seem like a burden turn out to be a blessing.

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety. ~ Psalm 4:8

I spent the better part of the day Saturday in the ER with severe pain in the left side of my abdomen and rib cage after three days of no sleep and worsening symptoms. I’ve also spent the past few weeks desperately praying for rest. So here I am, at my breaking point of exhaustion and pain and I find myself with several hours alone in a quiet and dimly lit hospital room to rest while I waited for doctors and tests to be done. Turns out that I probably have gallbladder stones which is also going to force me back into making healthier choices with my lifestyle and nutrition if I want to avoid gallbladder removal surgery. Answered prayers? Yeah I would say so. Prayers, gifts, and lessons. And a whole lot of grace.

I’m still in awe today of how all this has unfolded the past week. I feel like I’m floating and forgiven and rescued and so very loved. I know many people from my past and maybe even some in my present who may read this might possibly think I’ve really lost my mind this time or that this is just another phase I’m going through. But taking the steps that I am to pursue more Jesus in my life is MY choice and journey and it’s between me and God. There’s no outside influence or judgement that can change that.

Everything I’ve come to understand these past few years about the nature of all things has brought me a peace and calm that I’ve longed for for decades. I don’t think anyone who has known me for many years and seen me change can deny that fact. I’m a different person than I was six years ago. I’m sure some people may still think I’m crazy or delusional, but the choice I’ve made to live a life of devotion has only produced positive things in my life and the lives of those close to me. Besides, now that I am awake, I will never be asleep again. I simply cannot go back to living in the dark and lifeless place I was in after witnessing all the signs and wonders I have these past few years. So no regrets here and no turning back now.

Plans for the Future

One thing I’ve given up during my sabbatical is my business as a life coach. For years I desperately tried to make that work and build a successful business. I thought it was what I wanted to do and although I know I genuinely helped many amazing people in my time working in that capacity, I don’t think it’s the life for me. I never could seem to get it to take off and I often found myself frustrated and comparing myself to other lady entrepreneurs with much more success. It wasn’t pretty behind the scenes.

I don’t think I was in it for the right reasons though and in retrospect it only brought me more struggle and anxiety trying to live up to the boss lady image I thought I needed to be. My life as a writer has remained though because I have realized that writing is definitely one of the things that is inscribed on my heart as part of me.

So I’ve decided to close down my old business for good as a coach and just continue to focus on my writing and art. I can still support and minister to other people, but for my own sanity and wellbeing, I need to do it in a different capacity than I was trying to before. I’m an introvert and I have a hard time managing people and a business. I enjoy my private and slow life and giving up the hustle of running a business has brought me much needed peace the past six months. I am and always have been devoted to serving others and I will continue to serve however God calls me to do so into the future. But right now, I’ve been called to do my work in quiet and make my family my highest priority when it comes to my care and service.

So that’s that. It’s been a ridiculously difficult and lovely six months with all the health challenges, financial stress, car problems, having a kid going through chemotherapy, losing our home in August and subsequent move, having some major spiritual breakthroughs, reaching new and beautiful levels of connection with my husband, and receiving grace upon grace from God.

Mother, wife, sister, friend, writer / blogger / communications consultant, budding photographer... These are just a few of the many hats I juggle each day. I believe creativity is oxygen for the soul. I created Live In Color blog to celebrate the beauty in every moment, from faith to inspiration and motherhood.Follow the inspiration on Instagram: @liveincolorblog

“I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody else’s whim or to someone else’s ignorance.”

bell hooks

If you are a woman of color, no matter how you style your hair, someone will be offended. Rock a perm? You have no idea who you are. Love your weaves? Well, you just don’t love your hair. Embrace your natural hair texture? Some women and men of color label it as unattractive. Everyone, it seems, has an opinion on women of color and our hair.

This topic remains a staple in conversations with my girlfriends, Mom, co-workers, and of course at beauty salons across America, and no doubt, around the world. Countless books by renowned authors such as bell hooks, and profound visual artists like Carrie Mae Weems address how beauty for women of color is defined in a Eurocenteric and patriarchal culture.

The Afrocentric among us view loving our natural hair as a panacea to the lack of self love. If we begin by understanding history, and reject the chains of self hatred, we can change so much in our community, they proclaim.

Folks on the other side of the argument articulate, at times, a kind of historical amnesia. It’s just hair, they scream. How I choose to wear my hair has little to do with white supremacy, racism, capitalism, or any other ism. This of course ignores the real impact of colonization on the collective psyches of people of color.

Still, for me, both of these perceptions are somewhat limited; human nature and our view of ourselves is richly complex with multiple layers. Any kind of fundamentalism, which by its nature must define one or several kinds of behaviors as wrong, limits our humanity and freedom to empathize with others.

When you place me in a box, because I do not adhere to your myopic definition of beauty or self acceptance, you speak volumes about yourself, and a need to define an “other” as inferior to your “enlightened state.”

We are all on a journey of self love, whether you are walking along that road with an Afro or weave, it remains a journey none the less. My way is not your way, but why is that wrong? Rants never produce more understanding, only greater division.

Mother, wife, sister, friend, writer / blogger / communications consultant, budding photographer... These are just a few of the many hats I juggle each day. I believe creativity is oxygen for the soul. I created Live In Color blog to celebrate the beauty in every moment, from faith to inspiration and motherhood.Follow the inspiration on Instagram: @liveincolorblog

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Mother, wife, sister, friend, writer / blogger / communications consultant, budding photographer... These are just a few of the many hats I juggle each day. I believe creativity is oxygen for the soul. I created Live In Color blog to celebrate the beauty in every moment, from faith to inspiration and motherhood.Follow the inspiration on Instagram: @liveincolorblog

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Mother, wife, sister, friend, writer / blogger / communications consultant, budding photographer... These are just a few of the many hats I juggle each day. I believe creativity is oxygen for the soul. I created Live In Color blog to celebrate the beauty in every moment, from faith to inspiration and motherhood.Follow the inspiration on Instagram: @liveincolorblog

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Mother, wife, sister, friend, writer / blogger / communications consultant, budding photographer... These are just a few of the many hats I juggle each day. I believe creativity is oxygen for the soul. I created Live In Color blog to celebrate the beauty in every moment, from faith to inspiration and motherhood.Follow the inspiration on Instagram: @liveincolorblog

I fight sadness with busyness. There, I admitted it to you and myself. Somehow hurt seems to evaporate for me, even if only momentarily, under a mountain of to-do lists and phone alerts, that is until the pain catches up to me. And it always does… No one talks about rest. Everyone I know is… [Continue Reading]