fidel castro

Former prime minister and Cuban president Fidel Castro has been killed, according to reports coming out of Cuba today.

“Mr. Castro was an avid skydiver, and liked to go many times throughout the year,” said a spokesman from within the Cuban government. “He reportedly was not able to deploy his parachute while jumping recreationally in Trinidad.”

Current Cuban president and socialist leader, Raul Castro, said that there will be a memorial service for Fidel Castro on Monday afternoon.

“As the impact to poor old Fidel’s body was too great, there is little to parade through our city squares,” said Raul Castro. “But, we will still be able to remember what a good person he was. Well, you know what I mean. He was okay, right? Anyway, a man has died. It is the only point that you cannot speak poorly of him.”

President Obama announced today that he would sign documents releasing the trade embargo on trades with Cuba, a blockade that has been in place for over 50 years. The move comes as part of Obama’s campaign to open more doors for American businesses to deal face-to-face with foreign companies.

“I believe that America is the greatest nation in the world, and that we are also a forgiving nation,” said Obama. “We will never forget the Missile Crisis held over our heads by the Cubans, but we can forgive many nations of many mistakes. This is one time to forgive.”

The embargo has long since blocked any American businesses from dealing with companies based in Cuba. The new ruling would allow goods to once again be bought and sold from the United States to Cuba, and vice-versa.

“This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” said Texas rancher Bubba Reynolds. “I paid over $2,000 for a box of high-end, beautiful Cuba cigars. I thought I was investing in my future. Up until yesterday these beauties were worth over 5 times what I paid. Now they’re junk, because any schmo can get them imported. Next time I deal in illegal trades with other countries, I’ll stick to Colombia and their cocaine.”

The embargo dissolution will not take effect until the first of the new year.

Startling news came through this morning that Fidel Castro is no longer Cuba’s dictator. American intelligence made the revelation that Castro stepped down from the “presidency” in 2008, and the country has secretly been ruled by his brother Raúl since then. Even meetings between the two countries have primarily taken place between Barack Obama and Raúl Castro. This shocking news is set to rock international relations, especially in the region.

“Our sources are foolproof, and we have confirmed what until now no one suspected,” an intelligence agent told Empire News, on condition of anonymity. “During a routine Wikipedia scouring, we found the information hidden among reams of text detailing the political careers of both Fidel and Raúl. We immediately reported to the Office of the President, the CIA, Interpol, and the UN.”

Fidel Castro has been a thorn in America’s side for decades, and Raúl’s transition to presidency may be a good thing for the US.

“As we speak, information about Raúl Castro is being uncovered at a remarkable pace,” the source continued. “Wikipedia contains tons of information on the current Cuban president, which you’ll find if you know to look in the right places. It’s just incredible stuff that’s coming through. We just need to find citations for some of the info, and we can move forward from there.”

Who is Raúl Castro?

Raúl Castro served as a commander in the Cuban Revolution. He has had a long political career, culminating in his taking over of the presidency in 2008. The 83 year old is expected to serve as president of the country until 2018, barring any further spectacular developments as we have seen today.