shining bigots on a hill

Not At All Racist or Sexist National Review Staff Tells You Why Not to Vote For The President

We need to get that uppity negro out of the White House because he only signs the back of checks instead of the front of them, but we are not racist! (says the National Review Online Staff). And also! The people who point out that we’re racist — THOSE are the real racists, OF COURSE. This is all laid out for us in a horrible/hysterical 689-item list of reasons to not vote for Obama. So if you’re racist or sexist or hate Poors or really have a problem with education, then there is something in this list for you! Herewith, some of the highlights – and lowlights — of National Review’s 689 reasons to not re-elect Barack Obama.

First, we’ll bring you the reasons that are not at all racist before moving on to the ones that are not at all sexist and then finally we’ll mosey on over to the ones that are about more substantive issues, like whether or not Obama wears mom jeans.

267. “Anyone can grow up to be president,” but we didn’t need someone to prove it.35. Because his neck must be hurting from keeping his chin up in the air for nearly four years.599. For his runaway narcissism, e.g. December 20, 2011: “I would put our legislative and foreign-policy accomplishments in our first two years against any president — with the possible exceptions of Johnson, FDR, and Lincoln.”687. Because that first public cigarette will be smooooooth.105. We need a president accustomed to signing the front, not the back, of checks.63. So you’ll be able to criticize the president again without being called a racist.66. For the existence of food-stamp parties.79. And $762,000 to develop YouTube–like dance software366. “If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon.”648. Filing briefs in support of affirmative action and race-based quotas in public universities.649. A new federal office specifically dedicated to educational efforts for African Americans.650. Race-based quotas for school discipline.651. “I am a strong supporter of affirmative action.”612. So Olympic gold medalist Gabby Douglas can once again enjoy an Egg McMuffin in peace.22. Because he listened to the Reverend Wright’s crackpot racist diatribes for years and then gave us a lecture on racism.

Yes, we know that the staff at National Review Online ESPECIALLY does not need that “lecture” on racism. Oh and by the way, there is no war on women, and it’s certainly not being waged by conservatives.

3. Because Julia needs to get off her lazy, federally subsidized butt, get a real job, and pay for her own damned birth-control pills.332. The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.427. Expanding combat roles for women.333. Favoring reintroduction of the Equal Rights Amendment.344. He advocates nullification of almost all federal and state limitations on abortion.345. He opposes the partial-birth-abortion ban.346. He overturned the Dornan amendment, which had outlawed taxpayer-funded abortions in Washington, D.C., for 13 years.675. He throws like a girl.347. A 100 percent pro-abortion rating from both NARAL and Planned Parenthood.348. A 0 percent rating from National Right to Life.350. Opposing the Hyde Amendment.351. Supporting public funding for Planned Parenthood.331. The “War on Women”

It’s a War on Caterpillars, duh. Also, did you know that Obama hasn’t ever run anything? Or had a job?

4. Because lots of people fail at their first real job.269. Every ambitious state senator in the country with no accomplishments is now thinking, “I could be president within four years.”

But enough about Marco Rubio, let’s move on to Issues that Matter.

661. Mom jeans.

OOh did someone say mom jeans??

Oh and do you like wars? The kind that kill Islamics, not the kind that are against poverty or illiteracy or whatever.

418. Abandoning Iraq.419. The Afghan deadline.422. Naïve outreach to Iran.423. His blatant bad faith on stopping the Iranian nuclear program.434.“No one nation can or should try to dominate another nation.”

Sorry, just reminding you that this is supposed to be a list of CONS not a list of PROS. The National Review would also like to remind you that they hate education and Poors. And again, try to remember that this is supposed to be a list of CONS not PROS.

165. Increasing spending on Head Start.166. Increasing education spending across the board.163. Increasing S-CHIP spending.114. Because he thinks health care is a “right.”

Also! Fun fact! Conservatives at the NRO love smoking weed all of a sudden, which we didn’t see coming.

161. Breaking promises about medical marijuana.162. Record spending on the War on Drugs

There we have it folks. Conservatives at the National Review (who are not at all racist or sexist) urge you not to vote for Obama because he is uppity and hasn’t bombed enough Islamics and also because he won’t let them smoke weed in peace while they criticize the president and force women to have babies.

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over.
@Kris_E_Benson

BTW, after we cross-posted last week got some not so good news in Katie's last scan. She'll be moving to a clinical trial chemo starting next week, so we're all hoping on that. She's such a trooper, when her best friends who were there with her at the meeting with her oncologist, they asked to take her to lunch to be followed by an afternoon group hug. She thanked them but declined saying she had to go to her school to get her classroom ready for school opening this week.

The One Reasons why the National Review Votes for Romney
1) White, uptight, cowardly warmonger dipshit stuffshirt idiot who'd rather burn down US America to keep rich than help build up US America. And he's not a "Ni-CLANG-er!"

There we have it folks. Conservatives at the National Review (who are not at all racist or sexist) urge you not to vote for Obama because he is uppity and hasn’t bombed enough Islamics and also because he won’t let them smoke weed in peace while they criticize the president and force women to have babies.

And Michelle wants to take away their Cheetos.

Too.

Also.

Arborista

I agree that they're probably terrified of the 2nd term War on Junk Food that this nanny state will inevitably bring. Maybe should invest in Frito-Lay when Obama wins in Nov, since there will probably be a run on 'the snacks we like'…

Boojum

You'll pry my stale, chewy Cheetos out of my bloated, fat fingers.

bobbert

I have an idea involving Cheetos and the staff of NRO.

horsedreamer_1

I am surprised they havn't branded her anti-obesity effort as backdoor redistributionism of the flamin' red chips.

“Anyone can grow up to be president,” but we didn’t need someone to prove it.

We need a president accustomed to signing the front, not the back, of checks.

They really don't remember anything that happened before 2009, do they?

sullivanst

It's funny, because I thought they were all about complaining about runaway Federal spending…

Also, they have a point about not needing it proven that anyone can grow up to be President. I mean, his predecessor partied through college on gentleman's Cs, got busted for drunk driving, and failed at every job he ever did.

Graham Cracker

At least his predecessor had a job, unlike that social working/college professor/lawyer that is now darkening the oval office.

WhatTheHolyHeck

Wait, if he signs the front of the check, that's the federal government spending money on something. Isn't that what they don't want?

vodkamuppet

You're thinking too hard, just go with it.

Jus_Wonderin

In my best Chandler voice: "Could they suck any harder?"

DaveJ

I think it's more like "Could they BE any more sucky?"

larrykat

The National Review will "sock him and he'll stay plastered!"

FakaktaSouth

Increasing Spending on Head Start.
This lacks enough explanation. They need to say it plainly. Hey, fuck all the kids who need help with an education in the most important years of their lives. It's not OUR fault they can't learn stuff on their own, they shouldn't have been born poor. WHY can't they just get an education and STOP BEING POOR? Circular logic is my next favorite AFTER cognitive dissonance.

Boojum

Why, yes, poor people are morally and genetically inferior, which is why they are uneducated, so therefore they would not benefit from spending any funds on educating them. The poor dears merely get frustrated and are much happier pushing brooms.

HistoriCat

Are there no factories? Are there no mines?

Fare la Volpe

Nope.

We got Wal-Marts.

miss_grundy

Are there no workhouses? Why, no Mr. RomneyScrooge, we'd rather help people so they can succeed…

gullywompr

I HATE that Gabby Douglas remark. Hate it.

fartknocker

That statement is utter bullshit and hatred. Good Lord, she's a child who has made more sacrifices than any of the bloviating shit-for-brains at the National Review. And she represented this country in the Olympics. As Ron White says, there are no pills to cure stupid.

Jus_Wonderin

"…there are no pills to cure stupid."

I think this depends on how many we give stupid.

AnAmericanInTO

I don't even understand it.

Someone explain please?

Weenus299

It's in the racist pile, but I consider it sexist, because it alludes to Michelle Obama making an extremely light-hearted comment about it on a late-night talk show. I think it presents FLOTUS as the First Naggin' Wife.

doloras

"There's a NAGGER in the white house!" – Victoria Jackson

WhatTheHeck

These clowns at NR are like Sarah Palin, in that they will say anything to get noticed.
Maybe if we ignore them, they will fade away.

Jus_Wonderin

It has worked so well for Palin. I ignore her with the intensity of 1000 red hot suns. It is like when Mom used to say "just ignore your spoiled little brother and he will stop'. In practice he was even more devilish.

miss_grundy

Sarah Palin's contract with Faux News is almost up. Considering that they pay her a cool million a year for her commentary and she sounds like such a dipshit, perhaps Roger Ailes will not renew her contract and she'll have to find a real job in the Republican universe..

Arborista

They would be happy if WE stopped paying attention because then they could be 'not racist' even more explicitly.

SexySmurf

We need a president accustomed to signing the front, not the back, of checks.

We need a President who's deeply in debt, and I think I'm just the man for the job.

SexySmurf 2012!

Arborista

The NRO folks are so quaint- who even sees a check these days? Isn't everything direct-deposit?

These whiners are just mad that he bowed to some Arab royal, instead of holding hands with one on a long walk in a private garden.

The NRO is all "free the weed" now? Who knew.

Chichikovovich

I think what really bugs them is that he didn't give that same royal a big ol' smooch on the lips like their erstwhile hero President [Redacted] did. They were fapping to those photos for weeks.

Lascauxcaveman

Let's just say the editorial quality has slipped a bit since the days of Wm F Buckley, Jr.

I actually used to read that rag a bit back when I was a teenager, as my Dad was a subscriber. It was pretty well written back then, enough to get me started out as a conservo-libertarian when forming my first political views.

I don't remember reading a single word about abortion in those pages, back in the day.

They're not any better — they've just dropped the crypto- from the racism and fascism.

Edit: That was coherent. What I meant was that the old NR wasn't any better — the current NR has just dropped the crypto. Buckley was a racist fascist pig, he just hid it well.

sullivanst

I actually used to read that rag a bit back when I was a teenager, as my Dad was a subscriber. It was pretty well written back then, enough to get me started out as a conservo-libertarian when forming my first political views.

There's no shame in being a libertarian as a teenager. It's the ones who fail to mature out of it that should be embarrassed.

miss_grundy

You mean like Lyin' Ryan who still believes that Ayne Rand is cool……

sullivanst

Well, Lyin' Ryan may think Ayn Rand's economic nihilism is cool, but her ghost has a starkly different view of his desire to impose his fundamentalist religious views on the nation in the social sphere.

So yeah, I guess I mean him, but mostly Ron Paul and his band of merry tards (who rapidly cease to be merry when you point out the numerous obvious fatal flaws in their sophomoric political philosophy, or the contradictions of their beloved object of worship).

sullivanst

Don't forget the mouth-kissing.

One_who_wanders

Well, the NR does know all about "Runaway narcissism!"

orygoon

689? Oh, they're trying to overcome the "arithmetic" thing?

Blueb4sinrise

Haz email from The Big Dog this morning. Sez Dok Zoom and the live blog kicked ass, so he's sending Dok $1000 and each commenter $100, even if you only commented ONCE!!!

689? Pfffftt!
I got one good reason not to vote for Mitt and that is all I need.

Jus_Wonderin

Is that reason that he is an entitled asshole?

sullivanst

Maybe that he's a pathological liar who, on the off-chance that he actually keeps any of the promises he's made during this campaign, will impinge so heavily on civil rights while simultaneously fucking up the economy so horribly, we'll all be convinced we fell through a time portal to the Dark Ages?

I didn't go to Harvard Business School, but I think if you're writing more checks than you're cashing you're not creating any jobs. In fact, you might want to rethink your entire life.

AddHomonym

Chin up! There is no job "created" until someone like you comes along and does it.

bobbert

Also, too, in any organization of reasonable size (including the gummint), it's NOT the CEO who signs the fucking checks. As these assholes might know if they'd ever had a fucking job.

Fare la Volpe

Is that what that meant? I sat staring at that line for a good 10 seconds in abject confusion before moving onto the next line of crazy.

Also too, fuck them in their fucking fuckholes.

MissTaken

Yup, that's what they are getting it. It's from the same mindset that gives us meager cogs in the wheel bosses who *remind* us that they are the ones paying for us to have food on the table and a roof over out head so we better do exactly as they say. Assholes.

If you're upset that we got our troops out of Iraq, then vote Republican. After you get the fuck off my planet.

prommie

Shorter version, one reason: 1. He's Blah!

FakaktaSouth

I have to say honestly though, when Andrea Mitchell broke in and was all breathless about how PresO was a-coming to the arena last night and she didn't know why or what he was going to do, my first thought was of course, "the president is near." Some stuff creeps in.

prommie

Lock up your liquor and your womenfolk!

FakaktaSouth

Shiiit, that was well in order for the FIRST black pres. Or at least it shoulda been at my house when Bill was talking.

bobbert

The NRO Condensed List, FTW.

MadBrahms

687! Ah, an epic battle between wingnuts' capacity for rage and the US American attention span.

ChernobylSoup

I see National Review gave up on dog whistling and just cold bought a white sheet and a bull horn.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

I'm convinced! OBAMA 2012!

FakaktaSouth

That's what I thought. Who the hell knew the NRO would make why I want to vote for him so plain…in only a billion stupid words.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

Obama should just run that as a really long, insane campaign ad.

GemlikeFlame

The smell of fear and desperation is palpable. Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch.

prommie

I left off the other reason: 2. Our Israeli Overlords don't like him.

SexySmurf

I thought a 689 was a sex act involving Jonah Goldberg, K-Lo and two large pizzas with everything on them.

Jus_Wonderin

Ewww. Ewww. Can. Not. Look.

MissTaken

Everything on them?

Is *them* the two large pizzas or Jonah and K-Lo? Ugh, actually, nevermind. Barf.

HistoriCat

It's lunch time for some of us you know!

Fare la Volpe

I have now lost all interest in eating sushi off a stripper for my birthday.

Thanks a lot.

SorosBot

Oh great, there goes my lunch.

DaveJ

You have a truly legitimate weight-loss plan here, you need to trademark that shit.

I hope that Rafalca reads this and prances his big horse ass into there office and takes a big, big, big, enema induced dump.

Jus_Wonderin

My Dad always told me that horses can only breathe through their nostrils. I can hold Rafalca's nostrils closed for a bit so the result is more "explosive".

T3rbo

ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Right wingers are so funny-who wrote this, Victoria Jackson? I have NEVER laughed so hard in my life. "Because that first public cigarette will be smooooooth" OMG!!!!! ROFL!
114. Because he thinks health care is a “right.” aaaahhhhhh hahahahahahah! Get it? Fucking dignity of the individual, oh man, my sides hurt….

LibertyLover

*sniff* *sniff* I think that the National Review Staff has something on their shoe.

Kris, it is very noble of you to read all this so we don't have to go to NatReview's web site. But, why do you do it to yourself? Do you wake up some mornings and wonder where all the band-aides came from?

el_donaldo

I believe that first reason, that #267 –“Anyone can grow up to be president,” but we didn’t need someone to prove it., is actually the reason why conservatives decided against a Palin candidacy.

161. Breaking promises about medical marijuana.
162. Record spending on the War on Drugs

"Pssst, hey, Ron Paul people…I know you really hate us, but could you pretty pretty please with sugar on top come out and vote for Romney instead of staying at home or voting for Gary Johnson? Puh-leeez? We promise we'll be nicer to you. Someday."

In some fairness, while they all now fawn over Clinton, in the 1990s, Conservatives thought he was a Socialist Commie sleeper. Not sure if they thought he was a Muslim. Pretty sure they thought he was black.

James Michael Curley

Just last night the Vice-Chair of our town's Republican Party called Clinton a draft-dodger and got all bent when I asked him what he did. "That is not the issue!" I know from hearsay that he was classified 1-Y because of large birthmarks on his right arm.

Chichikovovich

I hope you keep at it every time you see him. "You look familiar somehow. Hey, you're about my age – maybe we met overseas? Where were you deployed? What unit were you in?"

James Michael Curley

I do that with another Republican in town who had the audacity to show up for the Memorial Day Parade in full modern day cameo. I love it when he starts to squirm and explains he ‘did not have the opportunity’ to go to Vietnam but was ‘in Thailand.’ Then I walk him through having to explain that he never got to Bangkok because he was a ‘cargo master’ on a C-130 which maybe he spend 6 hours there on each turn around.It’s self inflated sleaze like this that allow the Paul Ryan’s of the world to propose drastic cuts to the growth of active duty salaries, increases in the cost of Tri-Care for service families and a net-negative budget for the Veterans Administration at a time when the percentage of service members who survive their wounds but face living without limbs is higher than any time in history and in any war in any part of the world.

upislandgirl

690. Because we're a bunch of whiney little assholes who are still sulking over the fact that Osama motherfuckin' Bin Laden was killed on his black socialist muslin watch.

Chichikovovich

Ah, and of course the list contains:

457. “Cap and trade.”

or as it's now come to be called among Republican propagandists "Cap and tax" or "Obama's cap and trade".

There is so much dishonesty emanating from that crowd this one can easily get lost. But for the record: Cap and trade is a market-based solution, and for that reason it was attractive to, and worked out into its final form by, the Bush Administration.

tessiee

I almost posted a link here, but it made me too stabby and head splodey. The link was basically a list of reasons to vote for Mitt, and those reasons included:
— He's humble
— He's a self-made man
— He will bring jobs back (I assume not those jobs that he sent overseas)

This could not possibly be any more backwards/projectiony if the person making the list actually lived in Bizarro Land.

T3rbo

Fuck this list: everything on it that refers to something specific is a lie, and everything on it that is non specific is ugly.
Oh my god, the stimulus paid for less than half of a bridge that connected two halves of the Microsoft campus that created 400 jobs and was part of a public road???!!!!???NO!!!!!!!!!
And yes, we should not re elect Barack Obama because he wanted to increase funding for Head Start, because blah people

ChickTract_Fil_A

A hillbilly bumper sticker gold mine!

Limeylizzie

I thought these were comments from the hideous people who read NRO, didn't realise they were from the hideous people who write NRO.

tessiee

“If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon.”

They could have saved themselves the trouble of writing out the other 688 reasons.
This is the real reason; anybody who says anything else is either lying, or delusional, or both.

T3rbo

Yeah, what the hell. More like "Obama, who is a black, has BLACK CHILDREN, which is offensive"

tessiee

"“Anyone can grow up to be president,” but we didn’t need someone to prove it."

History fail, ass gaskets.
It's already been proven.
Bill Clinton grew up dirt poor, and was raised by a single mother, and became President, and a pretty damn good President, at that.

UnholyMoses

"34.“No one nation can or should try to dominate another nation.”

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

T3rbo

Yeah what in the holy hell does this even mean? Another right wing pro war statement from those with no military service? The editor of the National Review, Rich Lowry, has no military service, which pretty much explains that point. Chicken. Hawk.

UnholyMoses

It's just the sheer … spite. That's all that list is: all of the things conservatives hate, like not being the boss of the world, actually trying to help poor people, anything that encourages women to be independent and have control of their own lives … just …

Fuck me.

What stuns me about all of this is that they used to hide this shit. Sure, they always thought like this, but they were clever enough to know most people would reject such a worldview. So they acted as if they cared, weren't racist and sexist pigs, etc.

But now?

They have to go all in to appease their base, all while turning off everyone else.

Thankfully, that's NOT a winning strategy for long-term success.

tessiee

"…unless that nation has oil that we want. USA! USA! USA!!"

tessiee

"105. We need a president accustomed to signing the front, not the back, of checks.
66. For the existence of food-stamp parties.
63. So you’ll be able to criticize the president again without being called a racist."

I know, right? How come everybody thinks the constant references to welfare and food stamps are somehow racist?

AnAmericanInTO

Years ago, the dearly missed SPY magazine did a list of 1000 reasons not to reelect George H.W. Bush.

Of course it was a different time and half of them were "Dan Quayle, Oh Noooo!"

ChickTract_Fil_A

Hmmmm. I see, I see. All very good talking points worthy of debate. Here is my retort, in the manner of speech you are so accustomed to. Ahem – FUCK YOU! This battle of wits is over.

tessiee

I upfisted you solely for your screen name, and now I haz a sad, because I wish I'd upfisted you for the MST3K reference.

Weenus299

This list is conclusive in that I can say why I don't read the National Review or anything like it: it's not the politics, it's the fucking stupidity of the god-damned writing.

cromiller

Will NRO provide paystubs from Johah and K-Lo to confirm that equal pay is not being administered?

tessiee

Shorter: "I got 689 problems, and a near ain't one".

ChickTract_Fil_A

Good catch on the mst3k thing! I never could make a comment too obscure around here.

T3rbo

Oh lord, I thought I had specially tuned white people ears, what could pick up all the dog whistles, but it turns out no. Check out the comments on the 'story,' it's like a bunch of particle physicians talking entirely in jargon that no one understands. My ears are ringing, but I have no idea what is going on over there. An example, provided by a 'reader:'
718. Maoist Czars

yes, Maoist Czars indeed. I get what they mean, kind of, but the specifics must be pulled from a technical manual somewhere: my father in law's emails, perhaps, about Obama not saluting the christmas tree because Barack HUSSEIN Obama hates freedom?

I need a MINIMUM of 690 reasons to not vote for the black guy. Get on it NRO.

Antispandex

To be fair, the good folks at The National Review may not be racists. I mean, are you a racist if you are simply pandering to the racists to get votes? See what I mean? It's like the R.N.C. pandering to poor whites to get votes. Are they poor? Hell no! They spit on the poor. However, if you ever want to be rich, the kind gentlepersons at the R.N.C. are willing to hold out the carrot….but you will probably only get the stick.

tracyhasfun

Your logic. I like it.

tracyhasfun

Can you just SEE these clowns, all clustered around a beat-up laptop, dicks in hand, saying "ooh, ooh, i got another one" and dribbling all over themselves. Complete fratshit.

AtwatersGhost

Reason #63b–So you'll be able to criticize the President and call him 'f-ing n-er' without be called a racist.

proudgrampa

My goodness.

National Review is a racist, asinine publication with absolutely no redeeming features.

I don't remember William F. Buckley, Jr. being THAT hopelessly embicilic.

bobbert

I do. He just had a good vocabulary.

zippy_w_pinhead

Good Lord, these clowns sure do sulk a lot…

HistoriCat

We've got 688 reasons to vote for President Obama and one which is unclear.

675. He throws like a girl

Which girl? Let's get specific here.

PinkoPopulist

Jenny Finch?

bobbert

BANG! (And by that, I mean the sound of a softball striking the catcher's mitt).

PinkoPopulist

I think it's probably THUD! But point taken.

HistoriCat

So that makes it 689 reasons for – well done National Review!

horsedreamer_1

All of them, Katie.

DahBoner

Is 'National Review' some kind of code words for "touched in the head"???

I think (fantasize) that Obama is playing super duper double psychology on these guys. Once they think they've got him flanked and they put forth a bill completely legalizing marijuana, to attract the youth vote, you know, he'll turn around and sign the son of a bitch.

glamourdammerung

723. Because an alleged publication that is a feeder program for VDARE and Stormfront said so.