HUMOR FROM CYBERSPACE

The Best of Internet Humor

What follows is a compilation of someveryfunnystuff I've
received via e-mail from some very excellent (and unexpected) sources. Here you'll find the greatest hits
of my email files -- which maybe now I can delete! Jokes, mostly, but some great url's as well. Unsolicited, and not necessarily
reflecting any viewpoint or endorsement of my own. I only know this: these all made me laugh-- out loud.

I've read some pretty spicy things as well, but I'll not put anything raunchy or explicit on this page. A brain is required. Anything of a strictly "adult" appeal here will most
likely bore those who are either learning to read or on a search for "adult humor" of the crudest variety!
That said ...
Have Fun!

Courtroom Humor

The OJ Trial As recounted by OJ to Dr. Seuss.
(Where's Ken Starr when you need him?)

Education

As a change of pace, I thought you might appreciate this.
Kathie [Thank you, Kathie!]
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

RULES FOR WRITERERS

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words>
however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned
from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were
from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's
contention that the 'most interesting information comes from
children, for they tell all they know and then stop.'

*Question: What is one horsepower? *Answer:One horsepower is
the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in
one second.

*You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how>
close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got
hit, so never mind.

*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming
back down.

*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only
stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they
found them stuffed with explosions.

*When people run around and around in circles we say they
are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance
from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point
in any direction.

*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow
they still manage.

*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows
how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

*Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There
are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there
are 180 degrees between north and south.

*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which
way it wants to go.

*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are
yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of
the Earth because of so much population stomping around up
there these days.

*Lime is a green-tasting rock.

*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while
others preferred to be oil.

*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you
don't why you should.

*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know
we know they're there.

*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help
make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.
But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to
put the top on.

*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to
chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find
there are twice as many H's as O's.

*Clouds are high flying fogs.

*I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know
how to do it, and that is the important thing.

*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And
around. There is not much else to do.

*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough
to be called a drop, it does.

*Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding
water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown
when we breathe.

*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as
hail.

*Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

*Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs
tongue will kill the strongest man.

*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

*A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

*A monsoon is a French gentleman.

*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their
names sound.

*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to
live in other places.

*The wind is like the air, only pushier.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Actual answers, and spelling, in a U.S. 6th grade history test:
[This one courtesy of "Sima's Cousin Lester", via R&S Fenichel]
--------------------------

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard
Shaw.

Queen Elizabeth was the'Virgin Queen.' As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake
circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last
wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his aftic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel
was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles DarvAn was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.

Indeed! :-)

Excuses

Managed Care

Humor - Managed Care (HMOs)--courtesy of Earl & JS

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a
performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to
go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next
morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few
observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal
memorandum which read as follows:

For a considerable period, the oboe players had
nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread
over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.

All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This
seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be
cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished
with the use of an amplifier.

Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes.
This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that
all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it
would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced
musicians.

No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns
the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such
redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced
from two hours to twenty minutes.

The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert
didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement,then
he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and
should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr.
Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had
time to finish the symphony.

Politics!

Capitol Steps OnLineThe sharpest political satire in America! Zany troop of former
political aides, pokes fun at both political parties with equal mirth and mercilessness. Like watching Monty Python with an American accent. Very funny, and now
regularly updated with new material.

Science

Words

Clever puns, Spoonerisms & Wordplay
I believe I can attribute this largely to the Underhill family, as compiled by John Searles (and shared here with permission). In addition
are two contributions by renowned film composer, Davey Spear. Thanks to both, and Happy New Year! (2010)

Work - Workplace

Resigning with Style
Another true story of justice mixed with humor. (See also the "Archeology..." item above.)
What to do about a so-called supervisor whose knowledge of your work is next to nothing. (Thanks to Arnold L.)