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Published by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, PhD, CASA, CSE

One of a handful of global experts on polyamory and the foremost international expert on children in polyamorous families, Dr. Elisabeth Sheff has studied gender and
families of sexual minorities for the last 16 years. Sheff’s television appearances include CNN, and the National Geographic, and she has given more than 20 radio, podcast, print, and television interviews with sources from Radio Slovenia to National Public Radio, the Sunday London Times to the Boston Globe and Newsweek. By emphasizing research methodology and findings in her discussions, Dr. Sheff presents the kind of public intellectualism that encourages audience members to think critically regarding gender, sexualities, and families.
View all posts by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, PhD, CASA, CSE

2 thoughts on “When polyamory goes wrong — why I am not poly but you might want to be”

I am currently married to a guy who identifies as polyamorus. I personally do not identify as polyamorus, and I am willing to work with him to develop what will amount to poly – affectionate relationships with any women he pursues a relationship, however, there are several problems I am having that I was hoping you might have some advice on-

Since I am not polyamorus myself, I do feel the need to set – up rules that will help keep me feeling secure in my relationship. We have been married for 2 years, and before that we dated in a functionally monogamous and co – habitation relationship for 8 years. I am very attached to him and I have full confidence in the stability of our relationship, I am just looking for ways to minimize the hurt I might feel, and to keep from feeling powerless and emotionally abused. Do you have any recommendations on how I might do that? My thoughts were simple things like ‘don’t have relationships without telling me, don’t have children with other women (This was more for financial reasons than an unwillingness to care for other people’s children) and don’t pursue relationships with anyone who is not willing to maintain a close friendship with me.

I am also having problems with my family. I have a very close and healthy relationship with my family, but they are very monogamous and are having a very hard time understanding that me and my husband will be able to maintain a lasting and healthy relationship. They are very angry with my husband, and they feel I am letting him take advantage of me. I was wondered if you has any suggestions how I might help them feel more comfortable and accepting of my relationship with my husband and with his relationship choices.

Books by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff

The Polyamorists Next Door

Marriage and monogamy are not what they used to be, and today many couples are opting to start families before getting married, or deciding not to get married at all. At the same time, gay couples in states that recognize same-sex marriage are getting married in droves. Some people prefer non-monogamy and have relationships that include swinging and polyamory. The landscape of American marriage and relationships is changing, and a variety of family systems are developing and becoming more common.

When Someone You Love is Polyamorous

Having a friend or family member come out to you as polyamorous can be confusing and stressful. Chances are, you have a lot of questions: Is this just a phase? Won’t they settle down someday? What’s going to happen to their kids? Do I have to invite all their partners over for Thanksgiving dinner? Why can’t they just keep it in the bedroom? When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous offers answers to these and more questions, to help you better understand and support your polyamorous loved ones.

Stories from the Polycule

"Stories From the Polycule by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff is not just a book, it’s a response — to the constant questioning and misconceptions that polyamorous families are often faced with due to their choice of lifestyle." —Desiree Guerrero, Advocate

Dr. Elisabeth Sheff is the author of The Polyamorists Next Door, a blog featured on Psychology Today.

Using empirical information based in academic research, this blog explores the issues facing polyamorous relationships and families. It covers topics as diverse as sexuality to parenting, jealousy to coming out to families of origin, and employment and housing discrimination to online dating.

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Meet Dr. Eli

One of a handful of global experts on polyamory and the foremost international expert on children in polyamorous families, Dr. Elisabeth Sheff has studied gender and families of sexual minorities for the last 16 years.

Sheff’s television appearances include CNN, and the National Geographic, and she has given more than 20 radio, podcast, print, and television interviews with sources from Radio Slovenia to National Public Radio, the Sunday London Times to the Boston Globe and Newsweek.

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