The Top Nine Lamest Athlete Apologies

This former Olympic hopeful did something that few that could be possible in the world of athletic competition: make figure skating exciting.

Her ruthless and selfish actions to cut the competition out of her path to bloodstained glory prompted an outrage among people who gave a crap about figure skating for reasons other than the skimpy outfits. Naturally, Harding offered a public statement about her actions, a prepared statement so rote and dry it made Tiger Woods' admission sound like a Richard Simmons' declaration of "fabulousness."

And after admitting that she almost singlehandedly tried to introduce cross-checking into figure skating, she had the balls (no one had the guts to confirm if those balls were metaphorical or physical) to announce that she still wanted to compete in the Olympic Games! That only should have been acceptable if her intention was to join the U.S. hockey team.

3. Rafael Palmeiro

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It's one thing to deny rumors of malfeasance or mindless gossip. It's another to deny complete facts and scientific proof. And no, I'm not talking about global warming or the Texas textbook review committee.

This heavy hitter had the gumption to point his finger at a Congressional Committee and proclaim that he had never done steroids in his life "period." Then later everyone discovered that he had done steroids in his life, question mark, exclamation point, question mark.

When confronted with the news, he apologized for the harm he caused but never actually admitted to doing anything wrong or even mentioned the noun or the verb that caused all the harm and heartache. So just for the sake of breaking this down, he apologized but didn't admit to anything and that includes the thing that he was apologizing for in the first place. Then somewhere, completely out of habit, a restful Drew Rosenhaus yelled back at his TV, "Next question."

2. Pete Rose

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When it comes to turning unauthentic apologies into opportunistic grabs for cash, Pete Rose wrote the book on it...literally. (insert your own sad "wah, wah, wah" trombone here)

Everyone and their mother (and that includes Rose's mother) suspected the former Cincinnati Red of betting on baseball as he was playing the game. He finally admitted to the thing everybody knew in 2004 and apologized for the harm it caused. Actually, he didn't offer his apology to everyone. They could accept it by buying the new book he wrote detailing his misdeeds and how sorry he truly was for committing them. It's the same as charging people to read a suicide note.

The moment made every mildly amused baseball fan wish they could pick up the pudgy opportunist and slam his mulch-modeled haircut directly into the floor in the hopes of causing some kind of severe spinal injury. Rose not only let his fans watch that exact activity on a Wrestlemania special, but he probably also charged them $79 a seat and a $15 viewing charge just to look in his general direction.

1. Jose Canseco

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Believe it or not, one of the biggest bastards in sports history has stepped forward and offered a sincere apology for his misdeeds and bad doings. He took it back almost immediately, but it's like getting a discount store sweater for Christmas. It's the thought that counts, no matter how short the amount of time was that the actual thought lasted.

Canseco outed just about every major league hitter as a doper and a juicer in his 2005 tell-all "Juiced". The book was ridiculously scandalous and did more to fuel the fires of innuendo and suspicion about doping in Major League Baseball since the BALCO grand jury testimonies went public the previous year. It brought down so many big names that Canseco actually apologized for writing the book and admitted his intentions were driven more by his personal vendettas than a sense of justice and fairness in sports.

Of course, that sense of regret and personal emotional breakthrough was smashed to tiny pieces with a ball-peen hammer when Canseco brazenly cackled that the MLB, the players, the employees, and the guy who puts the cheese on the $7 nachos owed him an apology for the way he had been treated during and after his baseball career. The worst part is he did it through his attorney.

Oh, I wish apologies came with receipts because I really would have liked to trade that one in for a new Xbox.