Measured purely in hours and minutes, today will be 5 years since Daniel left this world, only that time after losing a child is different, without context and warped in ways that can never be counted on a calendar.

To know that you will live the rest of your life and never see your child again turns every second into forever and it doesn’t matter how many years have passed because it will always add up to a lifetime.

***

I still miss him every second and I feel the pain as much as I did 5 years ago :(

*** Beautiful
boy. It feels impossible to have survived the last 5 years without you.
My darling Daniel, I miss you more than words can even begin to
describe. Our love will always be <3 span="">3>

Four years without Daniel, of living every day with a broken heart, of sorrow, of missing your child more than words can say, of not telling anyone how you really feel because you know it will upset them, so you bury it deep inside yourself where it silently destroys you.

There are names for what binds us:
strong forces, weak forces.
Look around, you can see them:
the skin that forms in a half-empty cup,
nails rusting into the places they join,
joints dovetailed on their own weight.
The way things stay so solidly
wherever they've been set down --
and gravity, scientists say, is weak.

And see how the flesh grows back
across a wound, with a great vehemence,
more strong
than the simple, untested surface before.
There's a name for it on horses,
when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,

as all flesh
is proud of its wounds, wears them
as honors given out after battle,
small triumphs pinned to the chest --

And when two people have loved each other
see how it is like a
scar between their bodies,
stronger, darker, and proud;
how the black cord makes of them a single fabric
that nothing can tear or mend

We miss you so much, each of us in our own silent way. It pain doesn't show so much any more but it hurts no less. Everywhere we things that remind us of you, in some way - things you loved and things that we know you would have loved. We miss your smiles, your fun, your sweetness, your love. We
still want you every day.

And we will always love you more than the world can possibly understand....dearest Daniel.

Today will always be your day, my Darling. We remember you and we miss you in every possible way. We try to imagine you turning seven, in a life where we haven't lost you. We cry, we ache, we long, we wish for you to still be here. But most of all we love you. We love you more than all the world and all the stars and everything else, forever and ever.

Danny's funeral was today, three years ago. How I can hardly bear to write these words or to rationally think about the reality of what I am saying, that Daniel is dead, that we had a funeral for him and that he is lifeless buried l in a grave.

The paragraph to follow are from a book about a family who also lost their youngest child and brother, When a child dies by Jim O'Shea, the words could have been my own:

As they lowered the coffin into the earth I put my arms around my family. I wanted to protect them from the brutality of death, to assuage their pain. But nothing could ease that pain, as the dark earth claimed their young brother.

Mama, Neni, Lecia and Daniel. The bond that holds us close and the love that we share can never be broken, no time or distance or death will ever come between us. Our love will always be dearest Daniel. Precious Pikkewyntjie. Our Angel. Our Star.

Three years without Daniel. It feels like a lifetime and also like just a moment ago, still unreal but also too real and more sad than words can say. We miss him every day, every second and find our comfort in the love we share, a love that will always be.

From a Skype chat with a friend, 3 days ago:

[2012/01/05 06:57PM] Alison Starbuck:

tomorrow will most probably feel more empty than sad

but you never know

i also learned that these things are unpredictable

i will just take the day as it comes
and do whatever feels easiest for me
i think i will be ok

From my heart, today:

I know now that I will probably ok regardless. I have no choice, if I managed to survive 3 years, I will survive the rest of my life. As sad as it may be. Even if I feel sure that no one can survive a heart as broken as mine.

It doesn't seem right or makes logical sense to me but this is how it is.

And this time of every year will be the time that Daniel died. It is more than just one day that marks another 365 days without him. It is a feeling that stretches over days from before Christmas until after his birthday in the beginning of March. I miss him more, feel sadder and every sorrowful emotion I had since he died keeps on surfacing in my heart and in my mind. I don't know what more to say or what to do more than just somehow making it through the minutes, hours and days. Until another year.

A little bird, a hole in my heart, an emptiness that cannot describe or understand, it feels so long and also so short. I miss you my Angel. Every moment of my life and with every breath I take. You know, I know. My tears. My sorrow. My wish that losing you wasn't true. A hopelessness and heartache too much to bear but somehow I do. I love you. I love you so much, as always and forever, my Daniel. Pikkewyntjie.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” Christopher Robin to Pooh

Our Story

Daniel. He died on 6 January 2009, two months before his 4th birthday. We love him forever and we will keep him in our hearts and in our souls, until we meet again.

Henry and Alecia. Daniel's brother and sister. They adored their baby brother and loved him most of all. Losing Daniel wounded their souls and broke their hearts.

I am Alison, their mom. I dedicate this blog to my children - as a token of my love, to remember our Piki and to share the story of our journey after losing him. Namaste.

How Daniel Died

Daniel was visiting his father when he lost his life. The swimming pool at their house is open, without a fence, safety net or alarm and Daniel was left unsupervised with free access to the water. His father wasn't home when one of the other children discovered that Daniel was floating in the pool. I will never know if Daniel died in the water, while he waited for his dad to get back to the house or maybe in the car on the way to the hospital where he was declared dead on arrival. The cause of his death was confirmed as drowning.