Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase , "HEY MOE ." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye .

Q . I just joined an HMO . How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents . Your insurer will! provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan . But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country .

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment .

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand . I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache .! What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick ?
A. You really shouldn't do that .

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot .

Q Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then .