Hello Kitty

There are bad ideas, and then there are ideas that have simply been created to infuse the vast majority of the human population with utter and total disgust. While most items branded by the evil feline fall somewhere in between these points, it seems that more and more are finding their way closer the “total disgust” side of the spectrum. Case in point — there really can be no other reason for the invention of the Hello Kitty stockings than to recreate those revolting dry heaves that you get in the morning after drinking far too much tequila the night before. Don’t believe me? Take a look and let the queasiness begin…

The one thing that is always certain in Hello Kitty Hell is that no matter how bad things get, all you need to do is wait another day to realize it will inevitably get worse. One would assume that fanatics of the “one with no mouth” would have gotten their fill with the multi-colored HK vibrators (oh, sorry, those are technically shoulder massagers, aren’t they?) that Sanrio so conveniently decided to reintroduce when it was obvious that they could make a few bucks off of them. That assumption, alas, greatly underestimates the evil feline’s hoards who seem to have a strange fascination of placing her near their own kitty, and must always find some new way to expose the horrific underbelly of new technology.

Most people would think that the advancing technology of 3D printers is something that was pretty interesting, and they probably thought that a lot of great things could be done with them. Of course, the naively never anticipated that HK fans would step into the picture. When they did, the horrors immediately became apparent with the Hello Kitty 3D printer vibrator being developed:

Anyone who lives with a Hello Kitty fanatic will know that there are many progressions which take you deep into the hellish nightmare that your life eventually encompasses. For many, the first sign that things aren’t right is when your morning toast inevitably shows up with the evil feline’s face on it. It’s simply one of those moments when it instantly dawns on you that things are much worse than you had ever imagined, and the uneasy feeling penetrates your entire body that it’s only going to get worse. Another one of those terrible realizations occurs when these first show up in one of your drinks:

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

It really is pretty pathetic when the character who is supposed to spread love and happiness to all has so many Hello Kitty gun models out there that she could start her own army — and that it’s gotten to the point where seeing a new gun isn’t really a surprise anymore. Even more disturbing, you know that there will continue to be more and more because the evil feline will brand anything to earn an extra buck. So one might make the mistake and imagine that we’d seen the worst when it came to the one with no mouth and firearms, but anyone who has followed this blog knows that doing so merely means that you’re deluding yourself because it appears that she is now looking to produce a line of Hello Kitty tipped bullets (far more terrifying than any hollow point bullet)

Note: Due to a DMCA copyright notice from the lawyers of Sanrio, we were forced to censor this image

When it comes to Thanksgiving and giving thanks to the things in our lives, I think I can say with a fair amount of certainty that the evil feline invading my life is not something which will ever make my list. In fact, Hello Kitty is pretty much the opposite of anything that anyone should be thankful for, and definitely not something that most people want to see on a day of giving thanks. Apparently the people at Macy’s see things a bit differently and want to inflict a new kind of misery upon the masses since the old version didn’t seem to be bad enough (with the obvious consequences that everyone will be relieving themselves of their Thanksgiving Day meal). Thus Macy’s has seen fit to introduce a new Hello Kitty Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon:

It seems that when you live in Hello Kitty Hell, the evil feline derives a sadistic pleasure in trying to find ways to ruin any and all things that might provide the tiniest bit of pleasurable relief from her existence. Take, for example, going to the movie theater. One would assume that barring having to sit through some type of unfathomably tortuous Hello Kitty movie, the theater would be a pretty safe place to escape from the horrendous onslaught of all things with the mouthless cat on them. Of course, that assumption would be a huge mistake because it has been well established that there is virtually nothing that she hasn’t branded in some way. It seems that nobody will now be able to go to a movie theater without the fear that they’ll end up sitting in a nightmare of a place like this:

In today’s political climate, there seems to be very little that conservatives and liberals can agree upon. At first glance, there could be nothing worse in conservative minds than the reelection of Obama, while liberal cringe at the thought of a president Romney. But the reality is that there is one things which we can all can agree would be the worst thing possible no matter your party affiliation:

I thought when I received a Hello Kitty glasses that things couldn’t get any worse. How wrong I was. I should know by now that things can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell. For some unfathomable reason, someone upon seeing the glasses thought it would actually be a good idea to send me something else that places unimaginable fear into my life. So what could be worse than micro dot pink bow Hello Kitty glasses? How about a pair of Hello Kitty contact lenses?

Of course, I immediately thought of my Hello Kitty contacts post and realized that if I want to keep what little sanity I still have left, I can never let my wife wear these.

I really have no idea why anybody would want to actually wear a pair of these contacts except if they were looking to alienate every single person that actually cares about them. If you think about it, there is something so disturbingly wrong with having to look at somebody with Hello Kitty eyes that there really should be some type of law against it. It’s a thing of nightmares. It’s the type of stuff that Stephen King cannot even imagine. It’s taking the worst torture possible, and elevating it another hundred levels. Seriously, can you think of anything more horrific or spine chilling than having to actually look at somebody with these contacts in their eyes? You know that these are what you’re going to be staring directly into when the Judgement Day comes.

Apparently these come in a variety of different colors, but I have absolutely no idea what color the ones sent to me are (and there is no way in Hello Kitty Hell that I’m going to open them up and to find out). I imagine that they are the color that would make any sane person want to instantly vomit.

If you enter this contest, you agree that you are over 18 years old and that you aren’t stupid enough to actually stick this crap in your eyes. This is a novelty item. I have no doubt that if you were to stick anything Hello Kitty into your eyes, you would regret it for the rest of your life. It really doesn’t matter if they are “contact lenses” — the result of doing so is not going to and good. Just don’t do it. If you get these, destroy them. They should not be placed into your eyes, and you take 100% responsibility for your own idiotic tendencies.

Just when you think that everything that could possibly be branded with the evil feline, something else ends up in my email box. Once again, Star Wars fans die a little inside with the Hello Kitty Tie Fighter

If there was ever a doubt (which there certainly shouldn’t exist at this point) that the evil feline was willing to do absolutely anything to earn a buck (do we really need to revisit the whole Hello Kitty vibrator incident?), we now have an additional piece of evidence: The Hello Kitty Chia Pet — seriously, you can’t make this crap up…