Although it may be hard to believe, all this damage was done by a group of enslaved Eskimos with ice picks.

SOMEWHERE IN ALASKA: June 20th seemed like a normal day for Eskimo fisherman, Chugiak Deniigi. He was hunting for seals near the Alaskan coast, when three Americans wearing parkas abducted him and fed him a sleeping potion. He awoke to find himself in an icy canyon, chained with a group of Eskimos, forced to hack at Alaska's thick ice caps with a pick. He was watched over by a group of scientists who whipped him whenever he slacked off. After three days of hacking at the ice, Chugiak was discovered by his tribe, who proceeded to massacre the defenseless scientists and free the enslaved Eskimos. The freed Eskimos informed the American government of their experiences, and the FBI began investigating the matter.

The investigation led to the arrest of climatologist, Blaine Wilson. He plead guilty to organizing a complex plan to convince the world that global warming exists. Wilson revealed that the ice caps are not really melting, but are being broken up by groups of enslaved Eskimos with ice picks. Wilson had presented the diminishing ice caps as evidence that global warming exists, tricking the naive liberals into believing that low lying areas such as Florida would become completely submerged within the next 50 years. The frightened liberals gave scientists billions of dollars to research global warming. Scientists stored this money in a secret fund which they used to buy themselves mansions and fancy cars.

Blaine Wilson is also guilty of violating the "Save the Eskimos Act". The act, passed last year, added Eskimos to the endangered species list and made the capturing of Eskimos illegal. Wilson now faces a lifetime in prison for violating this law.

Needless to say, the news has sent shockwaves throughout the scientific and political communities. Scientists have given up their quest to find a cleaner energy source and as a result, many researchers are now unemployed. Oil companies, however, are rejoicing. "Now we can profit from polluting the environment and not have to worry about destroying the world!" commented Christopher Rouselle, the CEO of Chevron Corporation. Al Gore has apologized for misleading Americans to believe in the existence of global warming. He is currently working on a new film, "A Convenient Truth," which will disprove all the evidence presented in his last film, "An Inconvenient Truth".