Just this morning, McDonald’s Grand International Director of Global-Marketing and Fast-Food Chemistry, Wendy B. K. LeRoy, announced an exciting and ingenious new product offering: the Forever Cheeseburger! This innovation, which follows in the wake of the Post Office’s popular Forever Stamps and the Treasury’s Forever Dollar, will, it is hoped1, increase sales of cheeseburgers and lead to greater long-and-short-term profits.

When asked whether any changes in recipe or processing were required to produce the “forever cheeseburger,” the McDonald’s Corporation declined to comment.