Monday, March 13

Katharine McPhee And 11 Losers.

The following post is about American Idol.

Hey, where are you going?

As a straight, 20-something, white male, I have a lot to say on this subject, as you would assume. Me and the Missus have never missed an episode of AI in its entire 5 year run, and that makes me kind of an expert on the subject, albeit rather conflicted and feminine. Sometimes after taking in an hour or two of AI, I need to watch a viral video of a guy being shot in the pants with paintballs just to reaffirm my masculinity.

That all being said, I really enjoy the show and have been excited about this season. As was the case last year, I have been perfect with my picks so far (seriously), and I'm hoping that this hot prediction streak will last me until after the NCAA tournament is over, so maybe I can get back some of the money I lost on it last year (Duke sucks).

Last week, Ayla, Gedeon, Will and Kinnik got booted, which was more than fine with me. Will and Ayla were too unoriginal, and Gedeon and Kinnik were too creepy and robotic. I know a lot of people thought that Kevin or Melissa should have been cut, but these people were going to have to go eventually, and the rest won't make it very far in the Top 12 regardless. They have about as much of a chance of winning as Paula Abdul passing a sobriety test any given night of the week.

You can't convince me that Gedeon wasn't a robot, or android at the very least. Didn't you hear him talk? "I-have-created-this-painting-that-represents-the-never-ending-circle of-BRAINS!!!" The way he articulated everything just reeked of an alien pretending to be a human. Just imagine what Gedeon would be like in the bedroom. "I-am-now-going-to-press-my-lips-to-your-neck-and-remove-my-trousers-simultaneously. Pray-for-me." Ladies love that stuff.

Here now, are my predictions for who's getting cut and when. Bear in mind that this isn't a list of who I want to win, just a list of people I think will win. In a perfect world, Katharine McPhee would have signed on the dotted line years ago, and when I say 'dotted line,' I mean...nevermind.

Here we go:

CUTS 1-3 (random order):

Melissa McGhee.Melissa was on the verge of being cut last week, and she should be the first woman to go now that we're in the Top 12. Although she's gotten better and grown on me a bit, she doesn't have the originality or range to match the other amazing women left on the show. Besides, it's very hard for a singer to do well on this show when they weren't mentioned at all during the first two months.

Bucky Covington.

Bucky has no business still being here. Most of the guys have left him in the dust, and he can't even cut it as a country singer. I think he's a nice and geniune guy, but that doesn't mean he can sing well. He might not be the first guy to get cut, but he'll be lucky to make it into the Top 10. Besides, he reminds me of one those hicks in school that always found a way to get a girlfriend that was so much better than them it wasn't even funny.

Kevin Covais.

Kevin has made it this far on pity alone. He's a sweet, little crooner in big boy pants, and it's only a matter of time before everyone catches on. His stage presense is weak at best, and people are making fun of him right to his face every week. On the bright side, the ladies dig him, so he's always got that. If I were him, I'd spend the last week or two just trying to score some phone numbers and pity smooches, and leave a happy guy.

CUTS 4-6 (random order):

Elliott Yamin.

Elliott might be the best male singer on the show. I think he's great and his range is amazing. However, there are a couple of guys that are stronger popularity-wise (and better looking) than him, and he will be pushed out earlier than expected. It's a shame, but the show is a lot more than a singing competition. Each week, I worry about Elliott because he doesn't appeal to the majority of the voting public, not because he can't sing.

Lisa Tucker.

This will be the first big surprise of the Top 12. Lisa was slated to win this thing, but her song selection and overall average performances as of late may have waned her popularity a bit. Unless does something to reaffirm herself as a contender, she won't make it to the Top 6. According to the Missus, she looks worlds better when she doesn't curl her hair, but I prefer the 80's Whitney Houston look. It's a lot better than the 2000 tweaked-out Whitney Houston look.

Taylor Hicks.

I can't really imagine the show without Taylor Hicks. Regardless of weather or not he's a great singer, he's an absolute blast to watch because he's loving every second he's on stage. However, this novelty will wear off once the musically-themed weeks roll in, and he'll have to say goodbye after a good run. I'm also sick of people asking me if I think Taylor has some sort of a tick or palsy. If I said it once, I've said it a million times. YES!

CUTS 7-9 (random order):

Ace Young.

Obviously, I have some issues with Ace. Mainly, the fact that he can sing very well and the ladies get all squishy when he takes the stage. Good for him, the smug little turd. See if I care. The truth is, if you like Ace, you should like Chris, and Chris can sing better than Ace. Deal? Deal. He seems like a real nice guy and could kick Constantine's ass into the next county, but he's no American Idol.

Mandisa.

Man, this woman can sing. She's one of the few people that gets better every single week. In a perfect world, she'd probably win this thing, but the voting public wouldn't see to that. I admire her willingness to sing anything and everything. There's something about her that's really attractive and genuine, but I don't think enough people will see this to give her a victory. Expect her to bow out after a good run.

Katharine McPhee.

Honestly, I hope I'm wrong about this. I love Katharine McPhee, and not in a respectful singer way, either. I think she's jaw-droppingly beautiful and likeable, and you're all horrid scum for not voting for her. She has this way of bringing an audience to their knees with a seductive ballad, then cutely bouncing around the stage when she gets praise from the judges. I don't care if she wins the contest or not, as long as she finds a career where she'll continue to be on my television. That all being said, her voice is amazing and her attitude is killer. Again, I love her. A lot. Maybe too much.

THE FINAL THREE (random order):

Kellie Pickler.

Okay, so she's a dumb-as-a-post idiot. So her Mom's in jail and her Dad is estranged. So she can't read or write. The public loves that crap, and she's almost exactly like Carrie Underwood, last year's Hershey's gobbling Idol champ. She's sweet and innocent, can belt a song like nobody's business, and she's not going to be cut for a very long time, if at all. She's currently roommating with Katharine McPhee in the AI hotel, and they showed a clip of them wrestling on one of the beds. Then my brain exploded.

Chris Daughtry.

Chris is my favorite guy in the competition. His voice is radio-ready and rock-freaking-solid. He can out-sing every guy left on the show, and his stage persona is out of this world. The only downfall is that he's sang nothing but rock songs up to this point. When the themed episodes start bearing down on him, he may struggle with the songs forced upon him. If he can pull it off, however, he'll win hands down. Chris is the Bo Bice of Season 5, only he might actually be better.

Paris Bennett.

Since I saw Paris and Kellie in the auditions, I knew that one of them would win it. I still believe that, although I don't necessarily agree with it (I'd be a great A&R guy, I can pick stars, regardless of weather or not I can stand them). Paris would be a good winner. Everyone loves her, her voice is unique and deep like Fantasia's, only Paris can read and sell records. I'd be shocked not to see Paris in the finals.

So, there you have it. Sound off in the comments section about AI, or about my fleeting heterosexuality. It's up to you, really.

And to Katharine McPhee, if you're reading this, I have a degree in music, recording and sound engineering. If you don't win, look me up and I can make things happen for you. I have some new songs that would be perfect for you, or at least the crude likeness of you that I fashioned out of tin foil and hair.

I have actually watched one ep of AI this season. From what I saw I have to agree with your picks. I think that Chris guy is probably the best one out there. Although I agree that Mcphee is great to watch. When she was standing with Seacrest I was distracted by her jiggle. I felt like such a perv. (I'm not dead yet!)Keep in mind I have absolutely nothing against the show. I like every song Kelly Clarkson has out so far. She is kicking ass!! And I bought Gracin's CD.That was a great synopsis.

Yeah, it's really no secret anymore that I'm a pretty big AI fan. It was one of those things where when it first started I wanted to see all the bad singers, and I just never shut the TV off. Thanks for the compliment, I put much more work into this post that I wanted to.

I'm also glad to see that I'm not the only one who stands in awe of the greatness that is McPhee. Especially the patent pending McPhee Dance. You heard it here first.

I might actually do an AI post every week or 2 if I notice more closet fans on my page. Then once people stop showing up, I'll just shut down the CDP altogether.

Katherine McPhee is adorable, I have a feeling if music does not work out for her modeling will. I also agree that Chris and Elliott are the best male singers this year but Elliott will not win because of his looks. That is sad. Although, braces and a better haircut may change things greatly.

Nice, two more episodes, I figured they'd drop back to one after the premiere. I've watched those first two several times, this is one of my new favorite shows. I wonder if they'll keep introducing the characters like they did in the second episode, probably a good move. I like it because then they don't always have to have some useless dialogue or event to demonstrate how people are related. Kind of like how Arrested Development uses narration.

Well, if that's the crowd they're trying to keep, they're going to need to add the laugh track, too. It's all well and good that they can easily tell who the characters are, but the show's not going to last long if the viewers aren't told what should make them laugh.

The laugh track is like a remnant of Vaudevillian times, where there would be a rimshot or sound effect at the end of every joke (a la Bobby Hill). 75 years later, and some people still think it's funny.

Don't get me wrong, I think that the laugh track adds to the classic nature of certain sitcoms (Seinfeld instantly comes to mind, because there was some honest-to-goodness laughing going on there), but for the most part is an excuse for the writers to be lazy.

I wrote a 70-page screenplay that contained hundreds of jokes, none of which were all that funny. What made them funny to the audience was when nobody on screen laughed at them. Tragedy works, people! It's worked forever! Stop mugging for the camera and start acting!