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Monday, 24 September 2012

Just be grateful...

"Just be grateful"

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Of course I’m grateful. I’m grateful for everything, even
the depression because it’s made me a much bigger, better person than I was
before.

I'm grateful for having a wonderful education, for having family who love me, for never having to worry about where I'm going to get the next mouthful of food from, for having a roof over my head and clothes on my back.

"But you can’t be grateful if you feel like that. Look at the
people in Syria who are dying because of a stupid civil war, or the children in
Ethiopia who can’t even get clean water, or the countless other people who don’t
have what you have and for whom every day is a struggle."

I am grateful. I’m grateful for so much. And yet I’m still
hurting. I’m hurting despite the grateful-ness. I can’t make it stop. I can’t
control it. And you saying “just be grateful’ is making it worse because now I
feel bad for feeling the way I feel, I feel bad for feeling bad, but I can’t
control it, I can’t stop it, I can’t help it.

And please don't ask "why?" either. Because I can't form it into words for myself and everything I say you don't understand and you're not a good liar so I can tell when you don't even if you say you do.

I know you're just trying to help.

And I shouldn't get so upset about you trying to help.

But you're just making it worse.

But I will never tell you any of this. Because you already feel guilty for me having depression even though I've told you it's not your fault. And I'm scared any extra guilt will just eat you away even more.