Private lives

I am in my 40s and see a bleak future for my husband and me. From the start, he seemed unable to cope with even small changes in routine and reacted childishly to anything he did not like. He used to pace the house for hours in obvious distress, sighing and groaning, if I did not want sex, for example.

Although he is a really nice, capable bloke when happy, I seem to have spent much of my marriage keeping him calm, maintaining routines, comforting him and having sex pretty much on demand. He reacts with distress to insignificant things and is unable to calm himself down. He has guns and has threatened to shoot me, and himself.

We have a child, whom my husband adores and who feels the same way about him. He becomes very distressed if either of us are away, particularly if he has to stay alone in the house. He has no friends and had no relationships before me, so my heart bleeds for him and I fear for his future. However, I do not love him and feel as if I am more of a carer who is "managing" him than a partner.

I have broached the subject of parting but he reacted hysterically. I have been told that he has since been telling people that I am mentally unstable. What should I do?

Don't risk staying

Your husband is abusing you and has been for many years. This may be the hardest thing you have ever had to do, but for the sake of yourself and your child you must get out. This man may well be very dangerous.

Whatever else you may think or feel, your safety and that of your child are your priority. Please contact an organisation such as Refuge (look at their website, www.refuge.org.uk or telephone them now on 0808 2000 247) for expert advice.

Don't risk staying with him any longer, and whatever you do, don't tell him you're leaving.

Ask yourself what you would say to a friend in a similar position - this will help to give some perspective on the seriousness of your situation. Your husband needs professional help. Take his threats seriously.

EC, Sussex

Speak to the police

My first concern is for the welfare of your child. Your husband's allusion to shooting you is threatening and abusive in its own right. Your husband may adore his child, but he does not appear to have enough insight into the consequences of his behaviour to realise that if he treats you in this way, it will inevitably have a detrimental effect on them.

His easy access to guns is also very worrying. Speak to the police about your fears - most local stations have at least one dedicated officer who deals with domestic violence. I could not possibly speculate on your husband's mental state, but I would suggest that you make an appointment with your GP. You can then discuss your concerns about your husband's bizarre behaviour and whether he should receive any psychiatric help.

Name and address withheld

Find a safe place to go

As a matter of priority, you should consider whether your husband is capable of harming you or your child.You need to ensure that you are both in a safe place while you consider your future. Notify the police of the situation so they can establish whether your husband is fit to continue owning guns.

These are immediate concerns, but your role as care-giver and "manager" of a troubled, needy husband is obscuring the serious problems. It is emotionally and physically draining for you to live under these conditions. Whatever his emotional or psychological problems, your husband is not being encouraged, or indeed compelled, to seek help to change his destructive behaviour.

Your future does not have to be bleak, but you have to take action.

MD, North Yorkshire

A diagnosis might help

It took several years and repeated crises in our relationship before my partner was prepared to see a psychologist about his erratic behaviour. He was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and, though it is impossible to know whether your husband is suffering from a similar mental condition, it may be that a visit to a qualified mental health professional would enable him to gain some self-awareness. An inability to deal with change, difficulties with relationships and communicating with others, and finding it hard to imagine the feelings of those around us are all issues he could explore in a psychiatric setting.

All I can say, is that in my own case, once my partner had a diagnosis, we both knew what we were dealing with. He began taking responsibility for himself and our relationship is now on a more equal footing. I'm much more positive about the future.

Despite your concerns for your husband's wellbeing, given his threats of violence, you must take practical steps to ensure the safety of you and your child.

Name and address withheld

Your husband needs treatment

Being the sole carer for someone who is unstable and in distress is clearly exhausting for you. Speak to your GP to get support for yourself and to alert him or her to the situation you're in. It could be dangerous for your husband to continue to struggle on without treatment. It is only with professional assistance that the two of you may be able to rebuild your marriage or move forward in a positive manner.

The fact that your husband has guns in the house must be tackled immediately. If you feel in imminent danger, a women's refuge may be the best option for you in the short term. Workers from Women's Aid (0117 944 4411) will talk to you while you are still at home and advise you as to the best way to protect yourself and your child.

E, Brighton

What the experts think

The first thing you must do - and you must do this right away - is to take responsible action to protect yourself and your child in the face of your husband's threats and his apparent inability to calm himself when he becomes distressed. You need to do this even if he has never actually been violent. The fact that he has made specific threats - indeed, threats to kill you - is very worrying, and constitutes sufficient grounds for taking action.

You also say that he is socially isolated. This means that he hasn't had many opportunities to learn how to get along with other people appropriately, particularly when things don't go his way. You mention that he can't pacify himself, that you are the only person who can do this, and that he becomes distressed if you go away. His anguish may be in part because he doesn't know how to react appropriately to change. But it could also mean that he is aware of his inability to control himself, and of his need to rely on you to help him do so. Sometimes, such dependence can cause an individual to harbour resentment towards the very person on whom they rely. Therefore, although on the one hand he needs you, he may also feel resentful towards you.

You also mention that he is telling other people that you are mentally unstable. This could be projection: he is accusing you of what he fears may be true about himself. This is a further indication that he may be worried about his ability to take charge of his own behaviour.

A threat of violence is itself a valid reason for you to contact your local police station, to speak to someone in the domestic violence section. Before you make that call, however, you need to be prepared. First, try to recall in as much detail as you can the two most recent instances when your husband actually threatened you; the police will want specific information. Second, you will need to know that there is somewhere you and your child can go if your husband reacts to you contacting the police in a way that frightens you. If there are no relatives or friends nearby whom you can turn to, call the National Domestic Violence Helpline: 08080 2000247. This line is open 24 hours a day, and someone there will be able to tell you about the services that are available in your area.

Your husband, too, needs help. His social isolation, the frequent outbursts and his inability to cope with any alteration in his circumstances point to a possible obsessional disorder, or that he may even fall within the autistic spectrum. He may also be depressed; your description of him could even suggest the possibility of psychotic features. All of these problems can be successfully managed but he needs more than containment to help him live a more satisfying life. He requires professional help, and the first step is for him to have a proper medical and psychiatric assessment. Hopefully, he will be willing to make an appointment to see his GP so that this process can begin. However, the first thing you must do is to make sure that you and your child are safe.

Linda Blair

Next week

How can I live with my wife's infidelity?

I have been married 15 years and we have three children. I always considered our marriage to be rock-solid, but last year I found some intimate texts and emails between my wife and an old boyfriend of hers, and she eventually admitted that she had seen him several times. On at least one occasion, when I was overseas, they had sex.

I was predictably shocked and devastated; she was tearful and ashamed. She blamed a mid-life crisis - she is 45 - and promised to devote the rest of our married life to making me happy. She also swore never to contact him again, but I checked her mobile intermittently and found his number on it a few months later. She told me that she had just wanted him to know how much damage their relationship had done to our marriage.

Much of that harm has now been repaired. We told hardly anyone, our sex life is better than ever, and it doesn't feel as if we need counselling. Yet I am still haunted daily by the image of her with another man, and by memories of the happy family holiday we had around that time, which now feels tainted by what she disingenuously describes as a "horrible" secret. She hates me bringing up the subject because it fills her with "self-loathing", but 10 months on, her infidelity still occupies my mind. I still love her deeply, and have no real fears for the future, but I am tormented by the past. Can you help?

· Private Lives appears every Thursday. You are invited to respond to this week's main problem. If you would like fellow readers and Linda Blair to answer a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of around 250 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. All correspondence should reach us by Tuesday morning: email private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please don't send attachments) or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER.