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New phase of my life

I thought this would never happen to me. I thought I would never be truly ‘lonely’ and would never be desperate for companionship. Now I am beginning to realize that things change and not everything can be controlled.

After a particular episode in my life, I feared something like this would happen after a point of time; that I would crave company and wouldn’t be able to suppress/repress my belongingness needs.

It’s very difficult for me to confess about this and noticing these recent changes in myself makes me feel weak. I have always convinced myself that I do not need anyone else. I am good enough for myself. I do not need another person to make me feel good about myself, or a shoulder to lean on, or someone who cares about me. Due to certain recent experiences I am seeing a change in my thinking pattern and am not liking it. I am Imagining irrational elaborate scenarios that may never actually happen and ngaging in too much wishful thinking, again. I am afraid this ‘change’ will make me too desperate and I won’t be able to hold myself down. Sometimes its just the way someone talks to you which makes you feel special. I have to remind myself not to feel ‘too special’. I have to force myself not to over-think about stuff because I don’t want to go through heartbreak again.

I have always held the belief that until I find someone amazing without my deliberate attempts and something extraordinary happens and there’s lots passion and love and loyalty and acceptance, I wouldn’t settle for anything less. People tell me that’s a ridiculous thing to think and I will probably end up alone (forever). So be it! I am not scared to be alone, I tell them. Not everyone who is alone is sad, I tell them. Now I don’t know if things are changing or it is just a temporary phase. Well I do hope it’s a phase which will pass soon.

PS: I like being strong and self-sufficient. I hate living in self-pity. And feeling the way I’m feeling now makes me uncomfortable.