Attorney General Holder pauses to collect himself while reading the latest rape figures.

WASHINGTON, DC - Amidst growing voices denouncing a "rape culture" that leads many to believe there is a tacit acceptance of sexual activity without the explicit consent of the other party, the US Department of Justice released shocking statistics today showing a dramatic rise in the rate of sexual assaults perpetrated by banks, the Internal Revenue Service, video game players, and car dealerships.

The report, titled "Rape In The United States: A Worrying Trend", singled out commercial banks as well as players of Call of Duty as showing the sharpest rise in reported rapes.

"Every day in this country, tens of thousands of victims report being raped by their banks and hundreds of thousands while playing video games," said Attorney General Eric Holder. "Yet the perpetrators are rarely punished and the assaults continue unabated. For the victims, there is little justice in our modern society."

Indeed, one doesn't have to look far to see evidence of the rise in this violent crime. The internet is littered with comments from victims seeking the support of their friends.

"Man, I just got totally raped by that bio exam,” confessed Mica Bremmer, 16, of Kissimmee, Florida, who was assaulted by an inanimate piece of 8.5"x11" paper in her school on March 3rd, 2012. She is part of an increasingly worrying trend of "total rape" among our nation's youth, a disturbing departure from the past where most victims were simply regular-raped.

A silver lining on the worrying trend highlighted by the DOJ is the increased incidence of rape reporting. Historically, most victims would simply try to forget about what happened or go into denial about it, sometimes even going so far as dating the perpetrator to try to minimize what happened in their minds. Yet today's victims seem more than willing to talk about the crime to work through their emotional scars.

"I've just listened to this on a Les Petits Pillous mix at OMGITM, it was the song they started with, and....﻿ I was totally raped!", admitted "Jim" (not his real name), who will probably have trouble in relationships for the rest of his life, such as a fear of encountering new songs, of being alone with music, or of declining the sexual advances of future songs out of fear of experiencing the same trauma again.

Despite Jim's willingness to talk about the issue, no charges were filed. Several more people have since claimed to have been attacked by the song in subsequent plays.

Once considered by the public to be largely a "feminist" issue, today's report highlights that for the first time, male victims have surpassed female victims in the number of reported rapes.

"I was totally raped by those guys in our last game of TI3," confessed Alex Dewar, 19, of Harker Heights, Texas. "I totally suck," he added, characteristic of the self-blame that is common among victims of sexual assault. People like those guys generally consider a lack of physical resistance from the victim enough to justify whatever actions they choose to do to them and feel little to no remorse for their crime. While it was a traumatic event for Alex, his assailants likely considered it no more than a date.

Victims' advocate Shannon McCarthy expressed her sympathy for Alex. "The sad truth is, if he went to the police, there would likely be no charges filed. Even if it did go to court, those guys, their friends, and family members would smear Alex as having "wanted it" during the TI3 game, gotten jealous afterwards, and decided to ruin innocent peoples' lives. That said, it is possible to stop people like those guys, and whether Alex wants to know where to get legal advice or simply needs someone to talk to, there are people who can help."

Alex could not be reached for response, as according to his friends, he had gone to a party to forget about his pain by "getting some dumb slut wasted out of her mind" in order to "get some".