How Not To Be Single

The perennial question for singles is — “How can I meet Mr. or Ms. Right if I can’t even get a date?” Singles of all ages are sick and tired of online dating sites.

According to my eighty-year-old friend who has been married and single on and off throughout her life, the most important advice is to be proactive. What does that mean? Here are some of her concrete suggestions. Give them a try. Because nothing ventured is nothing gained.

If you’re a woman looking for a guy, then make a long list of every male you know who is not in a committed relationship. What’s important here is to break the pattern of constantly hanging out with girlfriends and get the single male perspective about the dating scene. Some of you might be saying under your breath, “But, I don’t know any single guys!” Yes, you do. You just might not have thought of him as a way to get a date before. Write down his name, and it doesn’t matter if he’s gay so long as he is unattached. Then go down your list and make the calls, one at a time until you get a positive response. Ask him out to the movies or wherever else you’d like to go. Where you go isn’t important — just go out somewhere. Mention that this is not a date per se, that you want to be in male company, not always with girlfriends. This outing might be a dead end, but it also might open up some other possibilities for you. The guy you go out with might know someone or someone who knows someone who would like to meet you.

Next time you go to a party as a single woman, don’t look for single guys. Search for the most vibrant, attractive single woman at the party. At the end of the evening, ask her to come to your place for a potluck dinner. Tell her to bring a single guy whom she is NOT dating. Once you put the event on your calendar, invite some other single girlfriends and ask them to do the same. Invite a guy whom you’re not dating, too. You’ve just created a wonderful event of all single people. How perfect is that! Enjoy! All you have to do is clean up your house and set the table. Your guests will even be bringing the food!

Most singles, no matter their age, don’t want to be alone. They’d rather be sharing their lives with someone. There are single men and women in their eighties who come to my book talks. They don’t want to be alone anymore than those in their twenties who attend.

Singles come to my classes because they are fed up with staying at home hoping that someone will show up at their door. Some of them have thought that setting a place for dinner every night would manifest their true love.

While setting an intention is essential, you also have to do something and understand what relationships are and aren’t. Don’t be passive. Be active. Most single people want to be with someone not because they can’t live a fantastic life alone, but because it’s always better sharing a fantastic life with someone else.

Single: what to do?
If you’re single, don’t despair. Don’t sit home alone. Try one of the above suggestions. Keep going out and creating events at your home. It takes never-ending effort, but that’s what life is all about — being creative and having fun. You can never be sure of the outcome, but your journey will be full and rich with experiences.

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My name is Melissa Smith Baker. I am a relationship teacher, author, and speaker. My blogs, newsletters, books, classes, and talks use humor and real-life examples to illustrate the challenges inherent in every long-term relationship. Since 2002 I have helped transform thousands of relationships, including my own. And I can help you, too.

“When you apply the concepts that Melissa presents in an engaging way, they actually work!”
~ Mary Disharoon, MFT