Mummy Monologue – A Splendid Day For A Jolly Bike Ride

One day, Mummy woke up and said….

Look children, the sun is shining, why don’t we take your new bikes to the park. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

We can’t really walk to the park as it’s along a main road, I think that would be a bit ambitious for your first go, we’ll have to drive. We can’t fit all of you plus the bikes in the car, Daddy will have to follow us with the bikes in the van.

Bella, you can’t take all of that stuff with you.

Because you can’t hold 3 dollies, a sticker book and a hand full of wooden play food while riding a bike, that’s why not.

No, you don’t need the “ti-ra-ra” either, it won’t fit over your helmet.

OK, everyone into the car. No, you do not need to watch a film on your iPod, the park is just down the road. We’ll be leaving in a minute, let’s just wait until Daddy had finished loading the bikes.

Oh Bella, it won’t take that long Darling, just be patient.

We’re here! Everyone out and let’s get your coats, gloves and helmets on.

Zara are you going to be good if I put you in the pram? Hmm, probably not, you’re a bit clingy today, let’s put you in the sling. It’ll be easier to have my hands free anyway. I’ll just pop the backpack on my back.

No Will, the helmet goes on the other way, you won’t be able to see if it’s on that way.

OK, let’s head into the park. Hold Mummy’s hand on the pavement and Daddy will push the bikes in.

Because the pavement is narrow and it’s a busy road and there are cars and it’s dangerous and Mummy doesn’t want you to get run over, that’s why. You can ride your bikes as soon as we are safely in the park.

Hooray! We are in the park. You can get on your bikes now children. Look, pedal like Dylan. Not that way Bella, the bike won’t move if you pedal backwards. Try pedalling forwards. No, the other way. Pedal the other way. Push your foot forwards, then down.

I know you don’t want me to help you, but if I don’t help you, you’re going to continue to pedal backwards and we’re not going to get anywhere.

Yes, I know that the boys are miles away now, they are pedalling forwards. We’ll ask Daddy to get them to double back with them, maybe he can explain to you how to pedal forwards.

Daddy, do you think that you could explain to Bella how to pedal forwards please? I don’t think I’m explaining it properly.

Will, Mummy and Zara will help you for a minute.

Zara, you are being a very good girl in the sling, well done.

Careful Will, bit of a slope coming up, don’t forget to use the breaks. Those things on the handle bars that you have to squeeze. OK, don’t worry, Mummy will hold you to stop you falling off down the hill. Gosh, this is quite hard with Zara strapped to me, isn’t it?

Daddy, I’m not sure Bella knows what you mean when you just say “steer, steer, steer”. Is she pedalling at all yet?

Other than backwards, I mean, she was doing that earlier.

No luck explaining to her either then? Fine. I’ll give it another go.

OK darling, Mummy is going to bend down on the floor and help you move the pedals so that you know which way that they are supposed to go.

I know you don’t want me touching your bike because you think you can do it “all by mine self”, but clearly you are struggling darling.

OK, push the bike for a bit then, I’m sure that’s fun too.

Hey, don’t panic, I’m sure that little dog doesn’t way to “get you”. The pigeons don’t want to get you either.

Oh darling, you’ve fallen, you’re ok, you’re ok. I have no idea how you managed to do that. It’s just a bit of mud, don’t panic. I know that there’s now mud on your nice pink gloves, I’m sorry. Would you like Mummy’s gloves instead?

OK, let’s try this a different way, if Mummy bends down and pushes you along, maybe you will sort of get the hang of what you are supposed to be doing. Yes, I will hold you tight so that you don’t fall in the mud again.

Are you OK in that sling Zara? Sorry that you’re sort of dangling there. Bending over to hold Bella’s handle bars and push and steer is really quite hard with you on my front and a bag on my back you know. Mummy is going to be sore tomorrow with some very odd muscular aches and pains, I’m sure.

Have we really only been here for 10 minutes? Gosh, it feels like an awful lot longer, doesn’t it. It’s such a shame that they don’t sell wine in the park, don’t you think?

Does anyone else sound like this when talking to their children?

Comments 2

Haha – Boxing day last year I took mine out on her new bike. I watched her for ages then was like “wow big girl, you’ve got it!!” and stood there filming her as she keeled over then sort of lay there looking confused, and some people without kids stared at me like I was the worst person ever (I wasn’t laughing or anything, I was running over to help). No further than the muddy rec on the bike now, that’s 5 min away (do-able with her under one arm and the bike under the other of course, when she gets tired).

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