Who can I send my squire to to RELIC?

Send it to yourself. Play the snot out of it for about ten years. Make sure to get all sweaty and grimy before and during playing. Wipe it down with a damp rag every other year whether it needs it or not. Then send it back to yourself.

First you're going to want to find a well ventilated area outdoors like your neighbors driveway (do not, I repeat do not use your own driveway.)

Next you are going to want to make a trip to the local grocery store and buy some supplies. Hopefully you're old enough to buy charcoal lighter fluid, and you may also want to purchase some baking soda (more on that later).

Ok so we are going to start by playing the wall by Pink Floyd in reverse and checking to see if it really syncs up with the wizard of oz mostly because I have always heard that it does.

Next, place the sacrificial, I mean the guitar you want reliced in the neighbors driveway and douse it with lighter fluid. Probably a good idea to throw a lot cigarette at it from a distance unless you like the smell of burnt hair at this point.

If you're doing it right it will look something like this. (See attached photo )(And it is strongly recommended you also assume this position - this is a 100% accurate photo depicting Jimi Hendrix relicing one of his stratocasters)

The "level" of relicing depends entirely on the amount of time between start to "freakout and douse with baking soda". Would not recommend anything over 30 seconds. Unfortunately this method will also likely destroy some if not all functionality of the guitar but it will be cool as hell.