Friday, February 3, 2012

Running away

Sometimes I just feel like running away from everything. From Sewickley, from my family, from school, from friendships, from commitments, from myself. Everything. I'm too timid to do it though. I'm all talk, and no action. I constantly write about how I would make sure a girl would know she's loved by me, but if it came down to it, I would probably just get scared and run away.

I like to think of myself as a sensitive male, one with emotions, one who cares more about others than myself, but I'm not. I am emotional, but that's about it. As much as I would like to think of myself as a romantic, I'm not. I'm a guy, I think about boobs and asses and meaningless one-night stands.

But I'm too scared to make a move. It's like I want to make an advance towards a girl, but I'm too afraid of the consequences. I would like to go out with a girl and have a meaningful relationship, but I'm all too worried that I will get bored with her and dump her.

I'm more afraid of what people think of me than I let on. Sometimes I say so many jokes because I feel like if one isn't funny, then the next one will be, and that will make me popular. I don't think I actually fucking care about popularity, but I'm still concerned with it for some reason.

I like having close, meaningful relationships with just a few people, but I wonder if I had more hollow, fake relationships with more people, I would be more socially acceptable.

Sometimes I don't want to wake up because I don't think I can handle another day. But I'm too scared to harm myself. The closest I've come to suicide is having a bottle full of sleeping pills in my mouth and then spitting them out. I don't think I could ever do that again.

I haven't felt like myself in about a month. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. But I have to press on. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Until it all seems like a blur.