Let Me Live My Life

The Sabotage Queen

I have come to the realization that I can give my friends great advice when it comes to relationships, but I refuse to follow it in my own life.

I know what I should be doing and then I consciously do the opposite. I purposely don’t answer phone calls, refuse to send text messages first, and God forbid I let anyone meet my friends or family. I keep everyone at a safe distance.

So what do I do when I meet someone I genuinely like, but bad habits start taking over?

For the first time, in a long time, I met someone that I felt instantly comfortable with. So comfortable that I forgot to put my walls up and I blindly ran straight into my feelings.

Inevitably though, my blissful blindfold came off and my mind could think again. All my bad habits came rushing in.

So I sit here on my bed asking myself, what am I doing? I start to remind myself how much better it is when I don’t care. Being detached means things don’t get messy and no one gets hurt (that’s not always true, but that’s what I like to tell myself). But how do I pull back when I’ve already let the feelings in?

I know what to do, I should sabotage it! I should text the guys I previously dropped for this new person. It’s a smart plan because I will kill two birds with one stone. I get back the meaningless relationships that I like and in return they help occupy my time so I forget about the one I like. This seems smart.

I grab my phone and type the name of the first person I want to text….I pause. My heart knows I don’t want to do this. It also knows I could potentially hurt the person I care about by playing games. But my mind is persistent and it tells me this is for the better. I should take matters into my own hands, screw it up, and keep my emotions out of the picture.

Which one wins?

When the connection is weak, my mind stays strong. I can convince myself that all the bad habits are for the better. Staying at a distance keeps me safe. Up until now, my mind has been the undefeated champ. But today, the underdog will take the win.

My heart initiated the pause that made my mind double think itself. I know deep down inside, the only reason I want to ruin this is because I know it’s good. It’s a weird paradox I suppose.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings….maybe I’ll screw it up next week. But, for tonight, I will take off my crown as the sabotage queen, put my phone away, and let the heart win.