Tuesday, July 14, 2009

prayers rise like incense

Wendy has been going through some really hard shit of late. i spend my days of late worrying while trying to work. Wendy's health has been an issue for all of her adult life, well actually her childhood needs to be included in that too. we have been VERY blessed in that my health has been very good so that for the most part i've been able to work and bring home enough to keep us afloat, that isn't a concern really. the concern has been just how frustrating life has been for the one i love. she had a great job that she loved, she was fulfilled and basically happy ... and then her health hits her with a sucker punch that floors her. she hasn't worked since Christmas and it tears her apart that she can't take part in something that has given her life. we've tried to find other ways to get some life. we play our guitars together, that is a blessing beyond what i can express; we play games, we go for a bike ride, i read to her in bed. i want to thank God for the blessings that she gives to me, i really do love her. the mood stuff that we both struggle with gets in the way as we both ask the questions about where God is and what He is doing within this mess. there are times that i don't want to keep slugging at this. there was a time that i was in the middle of a deep depression and i tell the story of how i took everything that was my faith and threw it on the floor so that i could decide what i wanted to pick up again. a part of me didn't want to pick up any of it again but ... i did pick some of it up again.i still believe. i hope. my prayers still rise, even amidst this desert of answers to my questions.enter Lisa. i found her blog linked on another blog i've been following and i related to some of her struggle. now her words are encouraging me to keep praying, keep hoping, keep believing. she recently quoted a tune i've never heard or heard of but it still spoke to me.

I can't feel You like others around meI don't feel like kneeling or closing my eyesIs there something wrong with my heart that I can't see?Or do You feel love still when nobody cries?

'Cause I know in my heart how bad I want to touch YouYou must sense this love my soul barely containsNo lack of desire in this desert to worshipI keep singing skyward it just never rains

So I'll praise You if I never feel YouAnd I'll love You cause I know You're thereAnd if You should choose I'm sure one day I'll feel itBut feeling good's never the reason I cared.

i keep hearing the echo of "no lack of desire in this desert to worship, I keep singing skyward, it just never rains". i commented on her blog thanking her for her words and she replied by quoting Psalm 141, "the prayers rise like incense, a pleasing aroma before the throne". it made me weepy sitting in my little cubicle on my lunch break.how long oh Lord? how long? i'm hoping that questioning prayers still have a pleasing aroma before the throne. even in my desert, i still pray for cleansing, healing rain.

i think of an old Larry Norman tune where he blesses his wife as she goes through a depression.

Mercies and angels up above, heaven please help the one i love. Guide the direction that she goes. Watch every step, each hidden stone. Please let her know she's not alone. Give her the strength to trust in everything she knows.

i sometimes just sing that little bridge of the song as i pray for her.

About Me

i am shallowfrozenwater. i'm not as deep as many around me, i'm frozen in many aspects of my life and we're all mostly bags of water anyway. this is my blog. comments and links are encouraged, i'm very curious about who you are, so let me know. it should be noted however that anonymous comments will not be posted unless i can verify who you are. i'll discuss whatever strikes me and may include sports, life, and spiritual references that may only mean something to me. my name is ian and i live with my wife Wendy in Winnipeg Manitoba Canada. read if you like, disagree if you want. i'm flexible and can adjust ... if i wish to.