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Be Great, Be Guy

Students Kahana Pietsch and Anneke Fleming attempt to become more like Fieri / Photographer: Emma Heikkinen, who is sorry

There are literally no benefits to existing as you currently are. Look: we understand you might like having hair without frosted tips, or whatever. We’ve heard that before. We understand. It’s an annoyance when it comes to job interviews. But understand: the enormous benefits to emulating and even becoming Guy Fieri are numerous.

From the minute Fieri popped out of the womb, his mother Penny Anne looked down at his cherubic Ohio-born California-raised of-Italian-descent face and stated “this baby will be a successful man, and ultimately better than anyone else, as host of Guy’s Big Bite and Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives on the Food Network. He will battle Rachael Ray, notable chef celebrity, and win, because Rachael Ray is not Guy Ramsay Ferry, which is this baby’s name, but it will be Guy Fieri in the future. He will change his name to Fieri in honor of his immigrant grandfather.” As the last word of the munificent speech spluttered out of Penny’s pain-ridden, post-labor, shriveled mouth, every medical doctor and nurse within the building had promptly spiked and frosted the tips of their now-short hair, donned snazzy sunglasses, and put on horrific shirts covered in flames.

But how can an ordinary, kind of boring-looking, really kind of annoying idiot like you rise to the level of the man who holds the literal key to Ferndale, California? It seems like it can’t be done. He holds the literal key to Ferndale, California, as you know. He’s eaten a couple dozen eggs in one sitting while “All Star”by Smash Mouth played live in the background, challenged by a man with a Twitter handle called “@fart.” He’s authored books called More Diners, Drive-ins and Dives: Another Drop-Top Culinary Cruise Through America’s Finest and Funkiest. Finest and funkiest? You couldn’t come up with that.

You can’t become Guy Fieri. But the benefits of emulating him? They might not be near the nuclear benefits Fieri himself gains, but they’re a step up from where your puny self is sitting right now. Hold giant wine glasses to make yourself feel small, like Fieri. Sit beside pumpkins to make your skin look less orange. Eat everything as fast as you can, even while everyone is screaming at you to “eat faster, you piece of garbage! Eat faster!” Envision an enormous version of yourself you could eat. Stand in high places, and don’t remember if you used the gluten-free bread or the stuff made out of human organs. See how far the cheese on your pizza will stretch, and never be satisfied with the result. These are just tips from Little Guy Fieri Things, a notable online source documenting Fieri’s every move. Study Fieri. Learn from him. One day, his energy will be passed on. Will you be the prodigal son, or will you fester in the pits of hell?