Where do I start? Well, firstly I apologize as this may well turn out to be quite a long post. I am a 35-year-old woman, I’m a nurse, and I live with my fiancé, about 30 miles from the home I grew up in. My brother whom I will refer to as “S” is 41 years old, lives at home with my mom and has never had a relationship. This is most probably due to his attitude, which I will get to.

Firstly, my brother has always aggravated me, to the point where I would say it’s bullying. My father always stood up for me and stopped him, but it continued to reoccur regardless. As a child, my brother was willful. Regarding my relationship with him, I remember being dragged around on the carpeted floor when was about three, I was screaming at him to stop it, but he paid no mind. As a result, I had carpet burns, my father shouted at him for that. S reckoned he didn’t mean to do it.

He’s pushed me about, slapped me, spoken to me as though I’m something he’s stepped in. When I was little, my bedroom door would stick, and I was scared to death of it shutting and not being able to get out. S would wait for me to be in my room, sneak up, laugh at me and pull the door shut, knowing how scared I was, he did that a lot. Along with mauling me and continued tickling me until my underarms felt sore, he has never treated me with any respect, yet he tries to demand it.

My mother and S have always been close and although she did chastise him for the way he was with me when I was little, looking back she didn’t support my dad enough.

When I was six months old, and my brother was 6, dad had an accident at work, he fell and broke his back, and as a result, he was lucky to walk. As a result, my dad suffered depression and attempted suicide twice. My mother had to deal with that alone, and there was no counseling in those days. It affected my brother quite severely, and it’s possible that this incident may have triggered OCD. I don’t accept that having OCD excuses the way he has behaved.

I was very close to my father; I adored him. My grief when he passed away at the age of 58 was so hard to deal with, and I felt isolated. My father had leukemia; he survived six years. My brother was very unpleasant with dad when he was ill, deliberately ignoring him, telling him to “shut up” when he was in pain and on one occasion dad was very confused on morphine and S had stated “I’ll be glad when he’s 6 feet under”, which made me sick.

My brother had done some things which I feel ashamed of him for, most memorably going to a brothel on several occasions, which he started doing before dad was even ill. When dad was sick, he continued with this behavior. He’s even flashed himself in public as well, how the hell he wasn’t arrested I don’t know. Deliberately being argumentative to start arguments which then gave him an excuse to storm off out of the house and binge drink. On several occasions, he’s gotten completely drunk on whiskey and staggered back in expecting sympathy. No apologies for his attitude.

When my dad passed away, I was 21 years old, and I was utterly devastated, I felt my protection had gone, which it had. S began to have rages which I suppose you could argue may be down to grief but I don’t think it was, it was more dominance in my opinion. Especially when he would try and force me to agree with him on something like a TV show. He would then demonstrate his ‘masculinity’ by snapping a TV remote in half, and smashing up a coffee table, which was supposed to scare me and show that he was “the boss.” I laughed at him, called him a silly little boy having a tantrum and I also said: “anything you break you pay for.”

He’d start screaming and shouting about the family finances demanding that he take charge as we “cannot cope without him.” My mother naturally agreed with him, and a couple of years later I was brow-beaten into handing over most of my wages. I was going to work for about £150 ($250) per month.

My input in anything was ignored and omitted. I got sick of it; a row ensued after about 12 months of this nonsense. I was sick of handing over virtually all my money, and I refused to do it anymore. His behaved in his usual manner of getting in my face and raising his fist at me when I angrily stood up for myself. I pushed him away from me, and he knocked me onto the kitchen floor, pushing and breaking a chair leg in the process, he then aggressively stood over me as if to hit me. I was so angry at this point I stood up and slapped him across the face as hard as I could and told him if he ever laid one finger on me again I would ring the police. My mother’s reply was “you can’t do that, we’ll have the police here, and all the neighbors will know!” He never did it again, but I still can’t forgive him. He even wished me dead.

Over the next few years, S has created lots of problems and dramas. He’s never been able to keep a job, and it’s always someone else’s fault. I admit he’d been bullied a couple of times at work, but I’ve only got his word for it, and he is an accomplished liar. He also got himself entangled with a married woman whom he had sex within the park! She turned out to be a match for him and stalked him, and he begged me to help him get out of that predicament which I did, looking back I should have left him to it.

During the last couple of years he said he met a young woman in the park, she’s about 19 years old! He said she was with her mother and they swapped numbers! He then began texting her a lot, so much, so a policeman knocked on the door and told him to stop. He denied he was doing anything. Rubbish!

He got infatuated with a woman at work, took her out once and then stated to her he wanted to get married! She wasn’t interested and in my opinion, had a lucky escape. She’s dating someone else, and S says, “I’m better looking than him,” and naturally the woman involved must be mad!

Two years ago I met and fell in love with a lovely man, who asked me to marry him in August. I’ve never been as happy. However, my brother and mum tried to stop me from moving out (I left in March). My mother put pressure on me by saying “I don’t know how I’m going to pay the bills” and S saying “that’s not fair, I have to pay for everything.” Well, he wants to live there. I left regardless; my mother said she was happy that I’d gotten engaged and she was pleased. It feels a bit backhanded because she’ll say that and then there’ll be suggestive comments, implying something like I can’t cook, even though I can and have been for some years.

Also, she’s not happy because my fiancé’s parents have decided to give us a sum of money towards our wedding. My mother’s reply was “how do you think that makes me feel.” I’m not interested in how that makes my mother feel; this wedding is not about her. S has always had a chauvinist attitude towards women, stating that cooking, washing, cleaning, and ironing, etc. are all “women’s work.” He has tried and annoys me by making comments like “have you done your housework? Good girl” and then laughing at me. Or he’ll say something like ‘do you take his (meaning my partners) tea in on a tray and wear an apron?”

My fiancé recently had a meal at my mums and decided to wash the dishes, at which point S piped up with “why are you doing the dishes when there are two women in the house?!” My other half replied because I’m not a chauvinist pig. Recently I went shopping with them (mum and S), and S had to make a point of trying to show me up by saying to a shop assistant “She’s had a morning of housework to be able to come out.” Then being irritating and overbearing, tickling me under the chin which winds me up, yet he still does it. It’s ridiculous he’s 41 years old!

I visit my mother every week, without fail and spend the whole day with her. I hand over £150 ($250) every month to help her out with bills, this doesn’t include her clothes, her hair or shoes, all of which I pay for separately. To add insult to injury, after my brother had assaulted me and had broken the chair, my mother stated that I was as bad as he was and should pay for half of the cost of the chair. Naturally, I refused after I replied to her “did you not see that he assaulted me?! Are you blind?”

I phone her every day and listen as she talks about what a hard time my brother is having, as his previous workplace bullied him. Did they or was it mostly self-inflicted? They labeled him a pervert, sorry but he has acted like a pervert in the past.

I feel let down by my mother, and as for S, I resent him for the way I’ve been treated. Am I a horrible person?

Butterfly you have put up with so much abuse from your brother. Enough is enough! You’ve managed to get out of that hell and find someone who loves you. You don’t have to take the bullying anymore.

Your brother is not happy, he is suffering. His behaviour is a cover for his issues.

Have you told your brother how you feel? He probably doesn’t know all the hurt he has caused you. Write him a letter detailing all the anguish he has and is still causing you. The abuser needs to have awareness of what they have done so they can change. You will be helping him by doing this and at the same time releasing the pain you feel. Once your pain has been released you will be free to be happy with your partner. You don’t need emotional baggage like this. Set yourself free.

Thank you so much for your reply, I can’t tell you how it made me feel to have someone objectively validate how I’m feeling.

I had a long chat with my mother yesterday over the phone and I told her how it made me feel, she was very uncomfortable and wanted to change the subject. I pointed this out and her reply was “Well what do you want me to do”, what I wanted was for her to support me, she should have stopped him years ago in my opinion but didn’t, I told her this.

Yesterday when my fiancé came in from work I was very upset, and eventually ended up in tears, again. The situation makes me feel stressed and oppressed, my mother is full of sympathy for S and his problems (OCD and issues at work etc.), and her attitude is “He doesn’t mean it”, meaning when he’s annoying me. I’m sorry but I don’t accept this argument, he’s not unaware of what he’s doing.

Against my wishes my mother decided to speak to S about his attitude towards me. I had a phone call from her last night at about 9:30 pm saying S has been crying on and off all afternoon about how what was said, that he never meant to hurt me etc. I must admit I found this a bit hard to swallow. He’s having problems at work and its making him depressed apparently, saying it’s like a prison etc. Mum was laying it on thick about him being depressed, but it doesn’t change his actions towards me when he wasn’t depressed. If the jobs that bad and he really can’t stand it he’ll have to take time off sick and look for something else?

Your brother sounds like a man child. I think I would have feelings of resentment too, and worse. Who wouldn’t? No need to feel guilty or ask if you’re a horrible person because of the way you view your brother. It was his doing. He is a candidate for counseling. Don’t let anyone interfere or come between your happiness.

For whatever reason, your brother likes to bait you. Don’t take it. If he doesn’t stop, just leave. No need to try and negotiate or argue with him, which is exactly what he expects and wants. Next time he tries to tickle you, just leave without saying a word. He already knows you hate it when he does that, you’ve told him so. If he wants to have a normal conversation, great, converse with him.

It’s a strange dynamic, but this seems to be his way of interacting with you, and it’s on his terms only. Walk out quietly, matter of fact, proud like. This is on your terms now, and you’re choosing not to engage him on his terms. Good luck!

Thank you. Yesterday I visited and I felt so stressed about it. I’m glad I now live nearly 30 miles away. S is very much a man child, yet if I make a similar comment my mother will pipe up and say I’m being “nasty”, yet he’s not “nasty” when he says horrible things to me? Oddly enough he’s had counselling in the past, I think this was just for the OCD and work issues, as no mention of his general attitude was made.

Anyway when I arrived yesterday, he was in a mood as he couldn’t find his phone charger, and basically instructed me to look for it, which I refused to do. My mother again piped up asking me to help him look, I said it’s not my responsibility. I felt mildly irritated again.

He seems to view me as someone to take his stress out on. Later in the morning the mood changed again as he’d got a photo of me and him as children and commented about those “golden days” and said “you were always such a happy little girl” (no I wasn’t because he bullied me. I explained this too him, he replied “I wasn’t that bad all the time was I?” I said a lot of the time yes. “Well I didn’t mean it”, the problem was that nothing changed, he knew his behavior upset me yet he still did it.

Luckily he wasn’t there for the whole day as he had to go to work. My mother however kept making several points about how unhappy S is, and using his OCD as an excuse for his behavior and I said he needs to go to the doctor again then.

It was apparent that my mother was in one of ‘those’ moods. We were talking about dad and I said for the first time in 13 years I’m actually happy. She replied with “Well I’m not happy, I’ve never been happy since your dad died”. I totally understand that, but it felt as though she resents my being happy? I still miss my dad and sometimes I still cry but my dad would not want me to wallow in misery. I feel like I’m being treated like some sort of traitor.

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