Former Sen. Pete Domenici Loves Secrets, Hates Contraceptives

It’s a common workplace hazard: You spend enough time with a group of people, eventually you’re going to want to sex one of them. It’s a trap former New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici fell into back in 1977, but, because the Senate was made up entirely of men at the time, Domenici had to settle for sexing a senator’s daughter.

One thing led to another, and now he has a 35-year-old son that nobody was supposed to know about, but it’s complicated, and we need someone to please just tell us who to be outraged at so we can get this over with and move on to the next stupid thing.

Former New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici told the Journal on Tuesday he fathered a son outside of his marriage over 30 years ago, revealing a secret kept for decades. …

“More than 30 years ago, I fathered a child outside of my marriage,” Domenici said in his statement.

What a jerk! Hiding his son because it would damage his career!

“The mother of that child made me pledge that we would never reveal that parenthood, and I have tried to honor that pledge and so has she,” Domenici said.

Oh… so it wasn’t his idea? Well, maybe he wanted to help, or something…

Domenici, who continues to live in Washington, D.C., with his wife, said his family “has been aware of these events for several months.”

Several MONTHS? It happened 35 years ago! Ok, we can go back to thinking he’s an ass, right? Yes.

In case you’re still on the fence about it: In the statement he released, he refers to “my wife” and “my family,” but calls the secret kid “the son.” Not “my.” “The,” because he is not a real person, only evidence, of that time a 46-year-old senator got a 24-year-old woman preggers and then didn’t tell anybody until someone else had him over a barrel:

Domenici indicated he was disclosing the family matter to the Journal because he anticipated someone else was about to make the story public.

What a fella. Now that we’ve got the deets out of the way, let’s move on to dredging up some historical coincidences! Where should we start? How about we hear what his baby mama, lobbyist Michelle Laxalt, had to say, back in 2007, when she was on Larry King Live? That sounds good — was she doing something bizarrely coincidental, like defending Domenici’s character after he was accused of helping organize that batch of political firings in the Department of Justice? She was!

Well, first she says “Senator Pete Domenici is a totally honorable man,” which is nice, except he’d been keeping a secret child from his wife of almost 40 years, whom he already had eight children with. Then she says this nugget, which we cut off because she’s just rambling:

I don’t think so. I think when you’re — when you’re attacking the integrity of someone who has been in public service for his entire lifetime, at great sacrifice, supporting no fewer than eight children and with the many sacrifices and the many contributions Senator Domenici has made, not only to the country, but to

First off, what a great surrogate to send onto national television! She is really defending him a lot! Also though: Notice that little phrase in the middle: “no fewer than eight children.” NO FEWER! Amazing. Because 8+1 is not fewer than 8.

We shall conclude with a selection from the esteemed Sen. Domenici’s never-ending statement from the Senate floor, during Clinton’s impeachment proceedings:

Truthfulness is the first pillar of good character in the Character Counts program of which I have been part of establishing in New Mexico. Many of you in this chamber have joined me in declaring the annual “Character Counts Weeks.” This program teaches grade school youngsters throughout America about six pillars of good character. Public and private schools in every corner of my state teach children that character counts; character makes a difference; indeed, character makes all the difference.

Guess which one of these pillars comes first? Trustworthiness. Trustworthiness.