Artemis vs Hera

Recap

Instead of my usual start to recaps this season talking about Gods and Goddesses and their mythical history, I’m going to talk about the two recappers you’re about to read. Artemis and Hera? Yawn. Let’s talk about Stephanie Hicks and Joanna Whitney.

They are both 2016 LAOUT award winners. Joanna was the Recapper of the Year, and already making a strong case for a back-to-back title run. Although as DReed poignantly noted, there is strong competition this year. Stephanie won for reasons that shall not be mentioned. The curse of that award…..

Their game happened Monday night, and it’s now Wednesday, but they have been promising me a joint recap (not that kind of joint. That was 2015 thank you) since Winter League, and finally it is coming true. I am so giddy!

This is like when Dot finally wrote that article on Eric Brach he promised me for well over a year. And it was amazing. This is like that St. Pat’s Hat article on how to make the perfect flying hat for defense that Seth Gillum has been promising me now for like three years. I’m probably never gonna get that one. I also promised myself I was going to do weekly articles on select players in the league, and I’ve never done that. So I let myself down as much as anyone.

Stephanie was in an MRI machine this morning dealing with her injured hip. Joanna I can only imagine spent the morning going through want ads dealing with her injured career. (ouch! love you Jdub) But over the last hour or so, Steph has been texting me numerous teases about this recap, and as I’m typing this (while watching the Red Sox game. Erin is in the other room watching her 65,000th episode of Say Yes To the Dress) I’m getting more and more excited, like I was after seeing the teaser trailer for Rogue One, and that worked out just fine.

So without further ado, here they are. Ladies with ’16 Award bling. The greatest tandem since Socrates and Aristotle, it’s Steph and Jo:

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Previously on….

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF TROY

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Hera was super pissed when she found out her brother-Lover Zeus had sex with Leto back in their college days who then had Zeus’ love children: Artemis and Apollo.

STEPHANIE “HERA” (PINK, ostentatious, timeless beauty, glitter that would make Jonbenet Ramsey jealous) INTV: “We all went to undergrad at Olympus and Leto just up and transferred out to Titan junior year. And she said something about wanting, like, a more untraditional education. And I was like, fine. Whatever. You do you. I mean I knew she had a crush on Zeus. Everyone did. But like, so what? Look at me. No one’s gonna mess with this.”

JOANNA “ARTEMIS” (Young and glamorous in a skin-tight SILVER dress, surprisingly small in stature) INTV: “Oh yeah. My mom totally messed with Hera in college. She swears she only had sex with Zeus to make that bitch jealous.”

HERA INTV: “ So you can imagine my surprise when I find out that lying two-faced-snake had TWINS!!!!”

ARTEMIS INTV: “ Most people would call Apollo and I “love” children. But I fully know – I was a hate child.” Artemis grins. “I’m ok with that.”

HERA INTV: “Well, Artemis went to Troy, like her mother, and was she in for a SURPRISE when I made SURE that we TOPPLED Troy and enslaved all of them.” Now it’s Hera’s turn to grin. “They had no chance.” Hera laughs heartily. “She went crying to Zeus, like wah wah wah… Auntie Hera killed all the people I love.”

ARTEMIS INTV: Tonight is Johnson’s birthday party. And we thought it would be SO fun to play a game of Ultimate Frisbee.

CUT TO:

Hera – dressed to the nine in a pink ball gown, her back to a camera, holds a drink in her hands.

HERA: “Who the f*#@ wants to play Ultimate Frisbee for their birthday?” She turns to camera: “This is a joke, right?”

(O.C.) PRODUCER’S VOICE: “Nope. Not a joke.”

Hera waves her finger in the camera, drunk.

HERA: “I’m gonna sue you for this.”

(ANNOUNCER V.O.) At Johnson’s birthday party — Artemis and Hera face off in an epic game of ultimate Frisbee. Will Artemis get revenge on Hera? Or will Hera once again rise to crush Artemis’ dreams? Tonight, on an all new episode of:

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF TROY

FADE IN:

EXT. JAMS – NIGHT

PHOENIX JOHNSON: (All American Blonde) smiles as he throws some warm-up throws in a PINK shirt. “Yup, Yup, this year’s the big 3-0. Thought it might be fun to have, you know, a friendly, throwback-to-college-type game. But I don’t know what all this talk about revenge is… I just want to have a fun time, you know, it’s my birthday.

ARTEMIS INTV: “Little does he know, I’m using his birthday as an excuse to destroy Hera.”

On either side of the field, both women HERA, gorgeous in Pink, and ARTEMIS, resplendent in SILVER, stare daggers at each other despite the fact that both are sidelined — limping — Artemis has a bum ankle. Hera a bum hip, but tonight their forces clash in an epic battle of wills.

Artemis sends seven of her fiercest WOODLAND CREATURES in SILVER to the line on her behalf. They stand poised and snarling as they prepare for defense. Hera sloshes her drink a bit from her cup as she yells to her band of MYSTICAL BEASTS in PINK.

HERA: “What are you waiting for? Go! Kill those mangy things! I mean, crush them… in Frisbee… Whatever, you know what I mean.”

She takes another sip as her fingers grip the cup tightly. It’s the only thing she can do to not attack Artemis herself. Pan up to Zeus watching from the clouds.

ZEUS INTV: “I know better than to tell Hera she’s overreacting. I mean it was one time. OK, maybe it was more than once… and more than one girl… but, I’m not the bad guy here. I married her didn’t I?

HERA INTV: “HE married ME? Hmf. We’ll see who married who the next time he comes sniveling back home because his lightning bolt gave him a booboo. When you stick around for THAT big of a baby, you know you’re the Queen.”

BACK TO SCENE:

EXT. JAMS – NIGHT

The pull is up and the creatures descend on each other. As one of Artemis’ grizzly bears, SNATCH, snarls in the face of Hera’s dragon, the disc slips from the dragon’s tiny claws and Snatch quickly picks it up to throw it across the field to the agile deer, AVATAR. First point, Artemis.

ARTEMIS INTV: “Who’s a bitch now, Hera?”

QUICK CUTS: Woodland Creatures scoring over the Mystical Beasts. T-TOM to Avatar to CHIN, ELMO to FUSE, Snatch to Avatar.

Chyron: SCORE: Artemis 5: Hera: 0

Hera SCREAMS in frustration as she crushes her cup in her hand and storms up the sideline.

HERA: “Do I have to do everything myself?! Ah, my hip!” She winces in pain. “If you don’t score this next point, you’re all gonna join Prometheus on that mountain!”

RACK FOCUS TO: One of Artemis’ eagles as he licks his lips at the thought.

The Pink Beast and the Silver Creatures come back fired up after a short break to liquor up. The fear of upsetting Hera even more, very clearly races through the Pink Beast’s minds.

MYSTICAL PINK BEAST HYDRA BRANDON INTV: “Look, there’s a strategy to being on Hera’s good side. Artemis was born on the wrong end of that one. Hey girl, you do you with this whole battle thing, but I am not taking any chances like that. I know my loyalties.”

Hydra Brandon swoops in, winds up one of his heads and punts the disc to MINOTAUR NAHALL for their first score of the night. Hera giggles in delight, clapping her hands like a toddler.

HERA INTV: “Look what a little encouragement gets ya!”

ARTEMIS INTV: Stares perturbed into camera.

The game battles on as a glowing figure walks up next to Hera on the sideline.

RHEA (GODDESS OF THE FLOW OF TIME): “Sweetheart, it’s not becoming of a lady to drink so much.”

HERA: “Mom? What are you doing here?”

ARTEMIS: Running in from down the sideline, “Great-aunt Rhea! How are you?!”

RHEA: “Great, dear. I came to watch you play.”

HERA: “Mother!”

RHEA: “Oh and I almost forgot, I brought you a little something.”

Rhea pulls out a handful of glittering powder and blows it past Hera and onto the field. Hera coughs from the powder. Hera’s team starts counting each stall to 15 without even realizing it. But alas, Artemis’ Silver animals drop the disc and Hera’s Hydra Brandon immediately puts one up to PINK SIREN NOAM.

Hera laughs as she turns and glares at her mother.

HERA: “Mother, you aren’t welcome here! What did I tell you the last time?!”

RHEA: “Alright sweetheart. I really came to see if Zeus was around anyway. I’ll see you both at dinner on Friday night.” Rhea turns to leave just as quickly as she came.

HERA INTV: “uuuugggghhhh. Parents.”

The Creatures of both Goddesses settle down as they trade points. Pink’s CHIMERA CLINT connects with Siren Noam, Silver’s BLACK BEAR CUBBY floats it to Deer Avatar. Pink’s Hydra Brandon reaches one of his long necks above three ladies trying to battle him and pulls down the point, Silver’s CHIPMUNK CRAIG to WOODPECKER AIMEE, Pink’s CYCLOPS GOH to Hydra Brandon to Minotaur Nahall, Silver’s FOXY FUSE to EAGLE EVAN. Silver’s Artemis smirks as her Woodland Creatures prance into half at 8-5.

HERA: “Look, I’m not going to threaten your lives, but if something doesn’t change for the better starting right now, I can’t guarantee you’ll be around long enough to make it into the mythologies. OK?

Minotaur Nahall chimes in. All smiles.

MINOTAUR NAHALL: I brought something to, you know, brighten things up. I felt like we were, you know looking a little…. Pedestrian… No offense. So, I brought some stylish hats.” The team grumbles a little.

HYRDA BRANDON INTV: “I’m not really a hat guy, you know…”

HERA: “Look at this woman!

Hera gestures to Nahall.

HERA: “She’s so much hotter than all of you! PUT. THEM. ON.”

The Pink Mystical Beasts puts their hats on and run onto the line to play defense.

ARTEMIS INTV: “I know Hera rules with an iron fist. Trust me. I’ve seen it, but I’m not like her, and I’m going to show her that you can’t just push people around because your panties are in a twist.”

Artemis leans into the huddle of Silver Woodland Creatures.

ARTEMIS: “Alright, this is where we want them. Let’s keep playing our chilly game. The more we piss Hera off with our calm scores and solid D, the better it’s going to be. You got this.”

The Creatures lets out a loud cacophony of Woodland CRIES as they take the line on Offense. As they run, WOLF ELMO follows behind starting a slow chant.

WOLF ELMO: “Elmo! Elmo! Elmo!”

WOLF ELMO INTV: “I just like to hear my name and hope that maybe it makes it into the recap.”

This gets into Artemis’ head and they drop the disc. And Hera starts off the second half better than the first. Points continue to trade back and forth. On one point, Pink’s MERMAID DREA handily Ds Black Bear Cubby who is just left stunned in place.

BLACK BEAR CUBBY INTV: “Uhhhhhh….”

Hera’s injured-boy-toy WEREWOLF NATE calms his angry mistress by calling on the Pink Beasts to throw a zone which then is reciprocated by the Silver Creatures. It works… unfortunately for both sides. Pink connects a full field huck to a wide-open Cyclops Goh to just destroy Artemis’. But the score still sits in the tiny goddesses favor at 13-10 after a SQUIRRELY CHICAGO jams one to Foxy Fuse with some fancy footwork.

ARTEMIS INTV: “It’s closer than I’d like, but we can do this. Just two more points. Our hands have been slippery, but we can pull this out. I can’t go run to my dad again.”

HERA INTV: “Never underestimate the Queen of the Gods.”

Artemis cringes as Pink’s Hydra Brandon connects with Birthday-Boy-Phoenix Johnson, A hammer lands in the hand of PEGASUS ROMAN. Then, to cap off a Birthday performance for the ages – LAYS OUT IN THE END ZONE FOR A MASSIVE D. Then Centaur Loh floats one to Chimera Clint.

Chyron: SCORE: Artemis 13 – Hera 13

HERA: “BOOM, BITCHES! That’s what I’d like to call, a BIRTHDAY COMEBACK!”

Hera, drink sloshing, CHANTS with her Pink Mystical Beasts as she runs up and down the sideline: JOHNSON, JOHNSON, JOHNSON!

HERA INTV: (wink) “Who doesn’t love Johnson?”

On the Silver sideline Artemis shakes her head… close to tears.

ARTEMIS INTV: “I knew I should have put Dad on speed dial…”

HERA: “Is widdle Artemis gonna go cwalling home cwying to daddy???”

Exhaustion sets in. Artemis’ band of bedraggled Woodland Creatures all refuse to run deep, until Silver’s WISE OWL BANSHEE finally takes off for a bomb from EAGLE EVAN. Artemis is visibly fired up.

Chyron: SCORE: Artemis 14, Hera 13.

ARTEMIS INTV: “I’m so nervous, but I gotta see this to the end. I’m not letting Troy happen again. I will not let my men die out there without me. If we go down. We go down together.”

Hera trips on her Pink gown. “What’s the score?”

Artemis sheds her silver gown and TAKES THE FIELD to play defense despite her ankle hurting. Hera SPIT TAKES her wine all over her pink dress. Looks down at the mess she made. Shrugs. Rubs it in.

HERA INTV: “ That’s the good thing about always wearing pink.”

Artemis looks across the field at the fierce line of Mythical Beasts. She cringes as she sees she has to guard, CERBERUS SNOOCH. The disc is pulled. Artemis limps as she lines with up Snootch, who TAKES OFF on Artemis… The disc goes up. They are both in the endzone. Cerberus Snooch towers over Artemis as they prepare for the incoming disc —

ARTEMIS INTV: “Oh *bleep*. I am not ready for this.”

Artemis channels the power of Zeus and Leto who gave her life and MORPHS into a goddess TWICE HER SIZE as she SMACKS the disc with ALL HER MIGHT.

SLO MO: The disc CRASHES to the ground.

OFF: Hera’s stunned face — her wine glass drops. Shatters.

CUT TO:

ARTEMIS INTV: “Oh *bleep*! Oh *bleep*! Oh *bleep*!”

The Silver Woodland Creatures take off running, now on offense: The fire back in their eyes. Squirrel Chicago puts one up to the bright-eyed PORCUPINE EBY who’s claws grab the disc for the win.

Chyron: FINAL SCORE: Artemis 15, Hera 13

Artemis’ Silver Creature celebrates as Hera lets out a muffled SCREAM through her clenched jaw.

Hera puts her hands in front of the camera as she trips. “I’m not talking to you.”

HERA INTV: (Later. Composed) “Why would I be mad?”

Hera walks over to Artemis, hands her a drink and nods with approval.

Hera: “I have to give it to you. You’re not the runt I defeated back in Troy anymore. You’ve grown, like, at least three-quarters-of-an-inch? First drink at the bar’s on me. But don’t think I’m gonna budge on negotiating for the Trojans release from slavery.”

Artemis smiles. Tears in her eyes. “Didn’t even cross my mind.”

HERA INTV: (Smug, in denial) “I just couldn’t take her whining at family dinner anymore so I let her win. (Leans in, scary) but you just wait until the tournament…”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Next week on:

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF TROY

Hera grabs Artemis’ hair at the dinner table. Aphrodite pulls Ares into a secret door. Zeus sobs as Hera bandages his finger. Uranus yells at some kids for making fun of his name.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): All this and more next week on:

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF TROY

Wow! Just wow! That was literally epic. Homer is applauding in his grave. I think General Zod just knelt down before them. Abraham Lincoln is like “Four score and seven years from now, this shit will still be dope.”

What a game. What a comeback. What a script. I fully expect a dramatic reading at the tournament. That’s the half time show. Boom. Done.