How to Handle Criticism We Don't Want to Hear

Keep this one thing in mind when you’re given negative feedback at work.

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What happens when someone tells you something you don’t want to hear?

Hearing something negative about yourself is a hard thing to swallow. Especially when you disagree with it.

I’ll never forget when this happened to me most vividly about four years ago. I sat down to get coffee with a mentor of mine.

To my surprise, she expressed how she was disappointed in my lack of follow-through with two people she had introduced me to. Then she said this:

“Because of that, Claire, you come across as fake.”

Ouch.

I felt my stomach flip. I felt my temperature rise. I knew I had followed up with them. And I knew I wasn’t a fake person. Should I say that? Should I defend myself?

Instead, as silly as it sounds, I breathed in. Then I counted, 1–2–3. And then I breathed out.

I realized that regardless of what I believed to be the truth, what she told me was true to her. And that’s what mattered.

There is always a reason that someone chooses to believe something is true. It’s not as though she (or her contacts) was crazy or delusional. There had to be a reason.

After all, it could be pointing to a larger issue…

Maybe she was right?

Maybe this was a sign that I was taking on too many meetings. Maybe I was brushing people off. Maybe I was caught up in the “go go go, gotta keep moving,” and that I wasn’t investing the time and thoughtful consideration with each person I spoke with.

Maybe I was coming across as fake.

Even though I know I’d followed up with her contacts, that wasn’t the point. The point was that I had a real opportunity to learn, change, and improve. It’s not about what’s true to me. It’s about what’s true to her.

So instead of trying to change her mind — instead of trying to change what was true to her — I decided to try to change my own behavior. I didn’t want to spend energy getting worked up, being defensive. I wanted to use that same energy to become better.

I told her that I was sorry. Really sorry. That I thought I had followed-up. But that it didn’t matter either way. I told her that her feedback caused me to reflect on how I was treating and handling each interaction I’ve had. I was determined to do things differently moving forward.

We’ve touched base since then, and it’s been rewarding to reflect on how much I’ve improved, even just a few weeks after that conversation happened. I immediately started investing more energy and thoughtfulness into every meeting I scheduled, every conversation I had. I meticulously tripled-check my follow-through on things I’ve promised to others. Years later, to this day, her words stick with me.

Looking back, I’m grateful I fought my urge to rebut her feedback in that moment. If I hadn’t, there’s no way I would’ve changed my actions for the better as quickly as I did.

Keep this in mind the next time someone gives you feedback you disagree with: It doesn’t matter if what they’re saying true to you — what matters is that it’s true to them.