Let’s Talk About Sex: How To Open Up!

August 1, 2018

Let’s admit it… it would be amazing if our partners could read our minds when it comes to sex. The problem is that they can’t. They can’t just look at us and instantly know what we want, unless we happen to be holding a sign detailing the exact way we want them to give it to us. This is why we need to open up about sex.

For a lot of people, it is difficult to do that. We have gotten so used to the idea that sex is to be kept behind closed doors that actually telling our partner what we want in bed seems to ruin the fun. But we need to talk about sex. Having trouble opening up? Here are some things you can try.

Know what you want

If you’re going to talk about sex, it should go without saying that you have an idea of what you want from it. To begin with, it might be a good idea to just try to open up the dialogue, but you can easily find yourself delving into it. If so, it helps to know what you want.

Here’s a hint: saying that you want better sex isn’t what we are talking about here. You need to know exactly what you want from sex. Are you hoping to have it more frequently? Maybe there are some hot positions you’d like to try out, or some kinky sex acts you’d like to indulge in?

Knowing what you want is going to make the conversation so much easier. Scared of missing something? Don’t be afraid of writing it down. In fact, it might really help if both you and your partner take the time to write down the things that you want. It’ll make sure nothing gets missed.

Don’t talk about sex during sex

The general assumption for many if that the perfect time to talk about sex is during sex. You’re both feeling horny and eager to start talking about the things that you desire the most, right?

Actually, during sex might be the worst time to do it. What if you say something that turns your partner off or makes them feel uncomfortable? What if they aren’t ready to try the things you are suggesting? It’s a great way to kill the mood, so try to keep your sex talk for another time.

Try to find a neutral place to talk about it. Maybe over a coffee at home? You want to make sure that there is no pressure for either you or your partner. After all, you are just talking about it. You don’t have to actually act on anything! Simply opening up the dialogue and being about to talk about sex can make a big difference.

Plan the talk

So, you know what you want and you think you have figured out the perfect time to talk about sex with your partner. You are ready to go, and then you spring it on them like a surprise birthday party. Guess what? It isn’t going to go well.

Sex is a sensitive topic, so you can’t plan what you are going to say to your partner and not give them any prep time. They might need time to think about what they want, so give them this time by giving them some warning.

For example, you could say “I’d really like to talk to you about sex. I was thinking that [time and place] would be good for it?”. If you have specific interests, such as improving the frequency, mention this when you talk to them about it. It’ll help to make sure they think about the specific subject to get properly prepared.

Don’t start complaining

It can be very easy to be critical when it comes to your talk about sex. You might want to tell your partner that you just aren’t having enough, or that you feel as though they aren’t doing enough during sex to focus on your pleasure.

However, being overly critical isn’t going to end well for either of you. In fact, it could ruin your relationship. So instead of being a negative Nancy, try to be a constructive Caroline. In other words, offer suggestions rather than complaints.

It can help a lot if you start the conversation by focusing on something that you love about your sex life with them. Do you like their ability to find your weak points? Maybe you enjoy how intense things are? Mention this and then move on to your suggestion. It’ll make it easier to swallow and show that you aren’t entirely focused on the negatives.

Let’s talk about sex

Why is it important to talk about sex? Well, the simple fact of the matter is that your partner is not a mind-reader. They won’t know what you are thinking or what you want unless you make it blatantly obvious. Even then it is sometimes better to just tell them.

I’ll admit that I’ve been in sexual relationships where I have kept my mouth shut about what I want during sex. Surprise surprise, I didn’t get what I want. Over time I’ve realised that I need to open up about it, but it has taken some time for me to do this.

Do you find it easy to open up about sex, or is it still a challenge for you? Whether you are seeking advice or you have some amazing tips to share, you’re in the right place. Leave a comment in the box below or hit social media to see what people are saying.

Lara Mills is a writer who has four years of sex industry expertise behind her. Since she entered the adult industry, she has worked on the Escort Advertising forums, before moving into her current role three years ago.

Since then she has gained a fine reputation with her blogs on sex advice, sexual health and amusing news stories from around the globe. She is also a campaigner for the rights of sex workers from all over the world.

In her spare time, Lara keeps herself active by going running, and is something of a film buff. She also loves to go travelling.