This blog was originally published beginning in 2003. Then, in 2009, I accidentally deleted it. Oops. This is my tedious reissue of the blog. It is in progress and probably will be for some time.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Thursday, April 28, 2005

I remember my mother's 30th birthday. Someone gave her a shirt that said "30 and Still Frisky". I remember that she was kind of sad during that birthday and that it was a really big deal but I didn't understand why.

Now I do. On Sunday I will turn 30 myself.

In my younger years I always thought that women who worried about their age were incredibly vain and stupid. I have always said that I couldn't wait until I was 30. I guess I have always felt like I would have everything together by then... I wouldn't worry what people thought of me, I would fully understand why I am who I am and why I do what I do. I would just relax, I think I imagined. Like the work of figuring out who I was would be over.

But this birthday is kicking my ass. I know that my life is going fine...I finally figured out what I want to do with my career (education, if you can believe that!) and where I want to live (running back home to beautiful Portland, OR) and what is important to me (being near family-- didn't see that one coming). All of this is good. Why am I so depressed?

Thirty is a state of mind, I know. You are as old as you feel, right? Well, I feel too young to feel this old. I feel too unfinished for 30. I'm not who I hoped I'd be in a lot of ways. I'm getting wrinkles. I am too impulsive. I don't think things through. I don't save money. I don't eat breakfast. I never live up to my "potential". Etc.

I am hoping that this malaise is just birthday induced and that I will snap out of it. I'll keep you posted.