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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Is your figure less than Greek?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Thursday, February
14, 2013. Long-time Gentle Readers are
no doubt anticipating an anti-VD screed this morning, but, quite Anne Frankly
(she’s in the attic!!!), We are much too excited about Our impending Popedom to
be concerned with the sticky interactions of mere mortals. Especially since We learned that, once We
have ascended to the Popal Throne, We will become infallible! We shall no doubt have to rebrand these
e-pisstles as A Papal Bull. (Not that
that’s much of a stretch.) One wonders
if Our infallibility will cure typos retroactively?

The other reason We are not all up on Our
anti-VD high-horse-powered unicorn is that We have received, once again, Our
annual VD billet-doux from the elusive, shy, retiring Monsieur Johnny Depp.
(Did anyone else just say that with a Frawnch accent and come in their Own
panties? Just Us? Alrighty, then. (Hey, why do these still say “Tuesday”?))

Speaking of Monsieur Johnny Depp (sigh), this
is an historic Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! occasion for another reason. Our Google-O-Meter™’s Google-O-Metrix™, by
way of the handy and dandy index off to the right there, inform Us that today
marks Our one-hundredth mention of Monsieur Depp within these hallowed
pages. As there are currently about
seven hundred of these e-pisstles here in Bloggonia, that means that, if We had
(subjunctively) been writing these every day of the week for a hundred weeks,
We would have mentioned Monsieur Depp every Thursday, say, despite Monday’s
child being fair of face which seats five, and despite still wearing Our
Tuesday panties. Do you follow?

You do?
God bless Us and save Us! (That
was pretty Papal, wunnit?) So here’s a
little game, especially for Our long-time Gentle Readers. In addition to Monsieur Depp, there are
twelve other celebrities who appear in our index more than twenty times. (Any analogy to Jesus and the twelve apostles
is purely intentional. (Hey, Wer’e gonna
be the fuckin’ Pope…are you gonna tell Us We’re wrong?)) Without cheating by looking off to the right there,
how many can you name? Leave your
answers in the comments below. (Here’s a
hint: Anne Frank, who has already been referenced
in today’s e-pissode, isn’t one of them.)
We’ll supply answers tomorrow.

Wow! Not only VD, not only Our 100th mention
of Monsieur Johnny Depp (sigh), but also Thelma Ritter’s birthday! Does it get any better than this? (If she were (subjunctively) still with Us,
Thelma would be 101 today. Like the Dalmatians.

Your instincts are guiding you to explore new territory (And
just wait till you see Us mark it.)

— so get out there and mix it up with new people, places
and things! (Nouns! They’re not just for breakfast anymore.)

You can’t go wrong as long as you are out there making
discoveries. (Of course We can’t; We’re
infallible. (Of course, this does beg
the question of what happens if We TRY to go wrong…))

Today is one of those days (Indeed.)

when the more organized you are, the more you will enjoy
yourself. (No worries there.)

So do yourself a favor (Because damn skippy nobody else will.)

and start the day by evaluating what needs to be done and
how you are going to go about doing it. (Won’t We have people for that? Papal people?
Who use PayPal™? (Are the
luckiest people in the world… ))

(Sorry.)

But making a plan doesn’t necessarily have to kill any
chance of spontaneity (We have spontaneity on Our calendar for 4:15.)

— it just lays out a nice road map for you to follow. (Is it a yellow brick road map?)

(Was that a really gay question?)

Feel free to go off the beaten path here and there, but
when you do be thoughtful about it. (There are so many things wrong with that
sentence, We don’t even know where to begin.)

(The correct answer, meanwhile to the “Was that a really
gay question?” question is, “As gay as a bag full of dicks.” You’re welcome.)

Keep things simple (Easy for you to say.)

(Heh. See what We
did there?)

and pace yourself. (“Pace
yourself before you mace yourself” just doesn’t have the same ring as “check
yourself before you wreck yourself”. Discuss.)

You’re all about fresh starts (Stretch farts…there’s the
punchline; somebody write the joke for Us.)

and new opportunities, but your energy is pushing you to
apply it to the romantic present (There are presents? Yay!)

instead of the future. (Where’s Our damn stretch farts joke?)

Figure it out right away.
(Don’t tell Us what to do! We are
the fucking POPE, fercrissakes!)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.