Saturday, May 07, 2011

This is getting old, even to me, especially to me, but i can do nothing but tell the truth.

I am surviving. I am getting through each day as best i can. Yesterday, i picked my brother up at his work, and we went over to his house for dinner. I had to have him drive as i sobbed bitterly the whole way. I think i allowed myself to do that with him as i KNOW he loves me, and i could finally let loose after a day of going through the motions.

I know the man who left was not such a prize in many ways, it's not even about that. it's just that i miss having someone to share my life with, someone who asks how my day was and listens to the answer.

And there's all the new things, setting up a new e-mail account, figuring out how to back up my laptop, trying to get the Roku thing to work using one of the three fucking remote control thingies we have for the fucking tv. Replacing cartridges in the printer and going online to order new ones. Do you know how many god damned printers there are in this world?

There's no one to multi-task that shit with. The collective memories that i used him as RAM for are gone. If i forget it, it's gone.

Proudly helping Em work stuff out for her summer gig. She did most of the work and i provided practical life experience and encouragement. Look what we can do together, with no help. It's inspiring.

Went hiking today with a friend. That was good. But now here i am on a Saturday night, picking at a store-roasted chicken and waiting until it's a respectable time to go to bed.

20 comments:

The truth has a way of feeling damning when we are thinking about it…otherwise it seems to be just ether. When truth is good or neutral there isn't much reason to give it any thought.

Maybe you should cut yourself some slack on what you are going through. If this were happening to a friend, instead of yourself, would you will expect that friend to recover so quickly? I understand the desire to have the emotional strain over, as I am the same way with expectations of myself..but sometimes its good to extend the generosity to ourselves we are more willing to extend to others. Love yourself.

Sometimes when we think people are listening, they're just going through the motions. And sometimes when we think they don't care they will take a bullet for us. It's cool that you're learning new stuff on your own.

Having to do everything yourself is a big shock when you're used to sharing the load with someone else. But perhaps the plus side is that you'll discover a new sense of self-sufficiency and the extent of your own resources.

My experience with heartbreak is that is that it heals slowly. So slowly that you do not really notice that you feel better day by day. It's just that some night when you're lying in bed trying to fall asleep and going over your day in your mind, suddenly you think, Hmm I didn't cry today; that's interesting. And it seems like nothing, but it's actually something big you once thought would never happen again. But it does, it always does. *hugs*

You should try to be proud of yourself because you really are managing, even when it doesn't feel like it. You are learning to do things you've never had to do before, and the more self-sufficient you become, the more likely your next partner will love you as much for your strength as for all your many other amazing qualities. Growing pains hurt, but growing is always beneficial.

For what it's worth (not much) we eat store-roasted chicken nearly once a week. It's better than the chicken I make. I think about you all the time. Congrats on getting through this day by day...it's got to be excruciatingly slow. Love from Colorado.

Here via Nick. My heart goes out to you. I found myself going through a divorce a few years ago and blogged my way through it. The support was enormously helpful as were my non-blog friends. It's disorienting, though - there is so much you rely on with a spouse. But I can tell you that four years later, although I do very much hope to be in a full-time partnership again one day, I have discovered strengths and abilities I would have never guessed I had. Pain can be fertile ground, even though it sucks utterly to go through it.