PHILADELPHIA—Pushing back on the NFL’s efforts to increase the number of prime-time broadcasts, sources confirmed Thursday that NFL fans are increasingly unable to recover in time for Thursday night games.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Boasting that an incredible unplanned shot perfectly captured the true nature of the Michigan football head coach, a documentary crew filming the team’s 2017 season revealed Wednesday that its static night vision camera positioned on the field had caught an inquisitive Jim Harbaugh poking its lens.

SEATTLE—Eliciting a standing ovation for the longtime Seahawk’s cornerback as he gripped his walker and slowly hobbled to midfield, the NFL conducted a pregame ceremony to honor 52-year-old Ronald Dutton as the league’s oldest living former player.

TAMPA, FL—Moving aside the plastic tubs full of Christmas ornaments and cardboard boxes of old books stored in his attic, professional wrestler John Cena took out his brown argyle singlet from a cedar chest in preparation for AutumnSlam, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Bracketiatrist Mistaken For Bracketologist

LOS ANGELES—Basketball fan and board-certified bracketiatrist Arthur Levine, 36, was once again misidentified as a "bracketologist" in casual discussion of the NCAA tournaments Tuesday. "I hate to be a jerk about it, but while it's true I can do anything a bracketologist can do, I spent eight extra years in med school and three in residency so that I could call myself a bracketiatrist," said Levine, who is well-known in bracket circles for the depth and incisive quality of his bracketoanalysis. "Therefore, I would appreciate you calling me by my actual title." Witnesses to Levine's statement agreed that he badly needed the services of a qualified mixologist.

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SEATTLE—Eliciting a standing ovation for the longtime Seahawk’s cornerback as he gripped his walker and slowly hobbled to midfield, the NFL conducted a pregame ceremony to honor 52-year-old Ronald Dutton as the league’s oldest living former player.