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A Christmas Star

The Write Romantics have been very lucky to have some amazing guests on our blog. However, today we are especially thrilled to welcome a very special guest. A true superstar, he’s in pretty high demand at this time of year, so we were particularly honoured that he agreed to spare us ten minutes in his incredibly busy schedule.

Welcome, Father Christmas.

Well hello, Write Romantics. I’m very pleased to be here. Thank you for asking me along. Where’s that cake you promised me?

Don’t worry. It’s right here. Would you like chocolate cake, coffee and walnut, or Victoria sponge?

Well, since you’ve gone to all that trouble, it would be rude not to try a little of each. And Father Christmas is never rude, as you know.

You’re not kidding. Do you know how many mince pies and cookies I’ll be given tonight? It’s the one night of the year my wife lets me break my diet. She’s very strict the rest of the time. Apparently she finds it embarrassing that I’m known for my big round tummy. I said to her, it’s my trademark. It would be madness to jeopardise that. She didn’t agree. She said the red suit and the white beard were quite eye-catching enough and I didn’t need the jelly belly to go with it. Obviously she’s allowed to be rude, whereas I have standards to maintain. Love this chocolate cake, by the way.

Er, thanks. So, apart from the mince pies, what do you get up to on your travels? What’s Christmas Eve like for Father Christmas? We’re all dying to hear about it.

I expect you are. For centuries I’ve been asked the same questions. What do you do on Christmas Eve? How do you manage to deliver all those presents in one night? How do your reindeer fly? It’s what everyone wants to know.

So…?

So what? You don’t really think I would ever tell anyone, do you? Ho, ho, ho! That’s quite funny. As if I could possibly divulge that information! I must say, this coffee and walnut cake is even better than the chocolate one. Lovely.

Thank you very much. Do help yourself to egg nog. So, if you won’t answer any questions about Christmas Eve, what about Christmas Day? What do you do then?

Ah, well that’s different. I’m not breaking my contract if I tell you about Christmas Day. You know, I do love a good egg nog. How kind you all are.

Sorry, did you say contract? You have a contract?

Did I say that? Well, I can’t possibly comment further. Loving the Victoria sponge. Very tasty. Did you get the recipe from Mary Berry? She leaves me the most delicious cakes on Christmas Eve, you know. I so look forward to dropping the presents off at her house. Always a treat. Mind you, I positively dread visiting Heston Blumenthal. You never know what he’s experimented with from one year to the next. He’s a very talented chap but I’m a man of simple tastes, after all.

I’m sure, but what about Christmas Day?

What about it? Oh, yes. Sorry, I got a bit distracted then. Well, obviously, when I get home I’m pretty exhausted. It’s terribly hard work delivering all those gifts, you know. I don’t think people quite appreciate…I mean, I know they know I work all night and manage to visit every single home in the world, but I don’t think they feel it. Their imaginations simply can’t grasp the enormity of the task. I know when I took on the job I was very naïve. I –

You took on the job? So what were you before you were Father Christmas?

Did I say that? Well, I can’t possibly comment further. I don’t suppose you have any more cake, do you? I’m a bit peckish and the wife won’t give me any supper tonight because of all those mince pies and cookies I’ll be eating later on. Oh, thank you. Just another slice of each cake will do nicely. I don’t want to overdo it. Now, where was I? Oh yes. Christmas Day. Well, after I get home, I make sure that the reindeer are fed and watered and bedded down with lovely fresh straw. The elves always offer to do it but I feel it’s my job. They’ve worked hard for me all night and it’s important they realise that I appreciate their efforts. Then I fall into bed and sleep and sleep for hours. The elves get very impatient. Well, it is their day off, after all. They’ve been busy in the workshop fashioning all those toys and gifts for months, and Christmas Day is their chance to celebrate and have a good time. They can’t wait for me to wake up so the festivities can start. We have a wonderful old time. Mrs Christmas is a jolly fine cook and lunch is a treat. It’s a good job, too. Those elves have amazing appetites. I wonder where they put it all as they’re tiny little chaps, you know. You’d be amazed how much they can eat. Oh. I seem to have finished the cakes. Well, thank you very much. They were delicious.

You’re very welcome. You were saying?

I was saying how delicious the cakes were. Oh, you mean about Christmas? Where were we? Well, after lunch we exchange presents. My lovely wife and I give each other gifts, and then we do Secret Elf. There are so many of us, you see, that it’s easier if each person just buys a gift for one other person. Very clever idea. The elves invented it. They were quite miffed when everyone else pinched the idea and renamed it after me. It’s always jolly good fun. Last year I was given a new belt, which was very lucky as my old one was just about to snap. This year was easy. I drew one of the younger elves’ names out of the hat and I knew just what he’d like. I can’t tell you what it is or who it was for because he might read this and then the surprise would be spoilt.

The elves might read this blog? Really?

What do you think? That elves can’t read? Tut tut. You should never make assumptions.

No, it wasn’t that. We just never imagined that there were laptops and computers in Lapland, or that elves would access the internet.

Good heavens, what do you expect them to do when they’ve downed tools for the day? Really, there’s only so much television one can stand, you know, especially at this time of year. They’ve seen The Grinch thirty times and the Christmas EastEnders makes them grumpy so I’ve had to stop them watching that. They’re quite partial to The Snowman so if they’re getting above themselves I let them watch that, and we all have a good cry to It’s AWonderful Life. Of course, they read a lot, too. At the moment, half of them are engrossed in Harry Potter and the other half are discovering my old favourite, Paddington Bear. I’m happy about that. It puts them in a good mood. My wife loves reading. She’s particularly fond of a good old-fashioned romance. Mind you, at the moment she seems obsessed with a book about decorating. I’m not sure which room she’s planning to redesign but it will be a bit gloomy, if you ask me, because the book seems to be all about different tones of grey. I don’t fancy a grey room. When I said that to her, funnily enough, she went rather red. Most peculiar.

Er, quite. What do you do after you’ve exchanged presents?

Well, we, er, we – well, what does everyone else do on Christmas Day after they’ve eaten lunch and exchanged presents?

Watch television? Play games? Meet up with family and friends? Go for a walk?

Yes, that’s right. That’s what they do. I’m sure of it.

Don’t you know?

Honestly? I can’t say I do. I’m usually asleep. But, to be fair, I’ve had an exhausting night. And I always wake up in time for supper. Mrs Christmas provides an exceptionally good buffet, you know. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. After supper we like to listen to carols and reflect on the year we’ve had. Then it’s off to bed, because we have a busy time ahead of us the next day.

Oh dear. You mean you’re back at work making toys for next Christmas?

Are you mad? Do you think I’m some kind of slave-driver? It’s the Boxing Day sales. Mrs Christmas and the elves wouldn’t miss those for the world!

Now, it’s been a delight to talk to you, but I must fly because I really do have a lot of preparations before I head off to work tonight.

Of course. Thank you so much for dropping by on such a busy day.

Not at all. May I take this opportunity to wish The Write Romantics and all of their friends and followers a very merry Christmas.

Thank you. Merry Christmas to you, too. Enjoy your mince pies.

I will. And if you could see your way fit to leaving a little cream to go with them, I’d be much obliged. Merry Christmas!

It was a great honour to have Father Christmas here today. He will be appearing in the sky over you at some point tonight. Remember to leave an apple or a carrot for the reindeer, and a drink and a mince pie (with cream) for the great man himself. Oh, and if you’re Heston Blumenthal, Father Christmas said not to bother this year as he’s on a diet and is cutting down, but thanks anyway! 😉