Tip # 2 for couples: Look for opportunities to see the good in your partner.

March 26, 2020

“I want my life back.”

I’m hearing from couples that this is the hardest time
they’ve ever had to live through, that both partners are struggling and
exhausted, that being at home together 24/7 is just not sustainable.

The worry of the unknown is hard enough – add to that a
negative, bickering home environment and more than a few couples are already
wondering if they will make it.

Consider this dream: you and your partner survive the Corona
crisis with your marriage intact and your family even closer and more connected
than ever.

You can make this dream come true – both of you,
together.

Start with my tip #1: aim for zero negativity in your
shared space.

And continue with tip #2: look for opportunities to
see the good in your partner.

Replace the negative behaviors like criticism, defensiveness
and withdrawing with positive attitudes and actions that will keep your
connection safe and loving. Here are
some ideas:

Rituals. Create
a personal shared ritual for a couple of different junctures in your day –waking
up, going to sleep at night, switching shifts of being with the kids. Decide
together how you will mark the moment – maybe
with a hug, a private joke or a song. Practice your rituals every day.

Turn the negative to positive. When you feel a criticism of your partner building
inside of you: pause, take three deep breaths, consider that she is really
doing her best and that his intentions are good. Replace your criticism with a message or a
gesture that gives the benefit of the doubt.

Practice kindness and empathy. This time is hard for both of you. How is it
particularly difficult for your partner? Consider two different ways that you
can acknowledge that difficulty. How can you make it easier for him/her? Have compassion for your partner’s particular coping
strategy – it may be very different than yours.

Stop the blame cycle.
If your partner blames you for something, rather than defend yourself or attack
back – take responsibility and say: “I’m sorry, I’ll try to do it differently
next time.” If you need to raise a
difficult issue, start with “I feel that…” or “it’s hard for me when…” rather
than with a criticism or judgement.

Be gentle with yourself and your partner over the
coming days and weeks.