Friday, April 1, 2011

So I am REALLY getting into this blogging thing. And by thus doing so, I have been corralled into the A to Z Challenge. I will admit, I'm stoked to tackle this bulldog staring me down. We'll see what the month of April has in store.

Before I get started I would like to thank a half-empty/melancholy comrade who's blogalias from this day henceforth shall be J. Black Hairpiece. He gave much inspiration for this post and I would like to thank him for his hard work and dedication. I appreciate him very much. And I hope that the feeling is mutual...

First of all, why does A have precedence over the rest of the other letters in the alphabet? That's my beef? What did it do to be at the top of the food chain? Why is it viewed as the Chuck Norris of letters?

Think about it. Anything associated with the letter A means that it is prime cut, it is the supremo. It is at the top of. It started out in grade school when you were rewarded this semi-triangular, three-pronged shape for your success in academia. It continued in high school when you achieved popularity to go to an A-lister party. Grade-A beef? Why are cattle forced into this discriminatory alphabet character concoction? McDonalds should be sued for letter prejudice! Would the A-Team have enjoyed as much success as they did if they called themselves the W-Team? I think not! A is the best of the best of the best.

Aside from all of that, I had to pick a topic to scribe about today that started with the letter A. Suggestions such as Activia (ripping Jaime Lee Curtis), to Altoids, to Adenoids, to Arsenic were brought up in hopes that I had some humorous randomitus reaction less than 1000 words. However, J. Black Hairpiece came through in the end and brought up the A-subject of Alias.

I have had multiple alias' in my life. And these are not just nicknames. These are defined by dictionary.com as "a false name used to conceal one's identity. I have used many alias' over my 26-year existence. Here are a few examples:

* After jumping out the emergency exit of my school bus in 7th grade, I told the bus driver, Tok Yoshimura, that my name was Grayson Greener.

* When sending in a false job application to Burger King, I once put my name as Martin von Nostrand. (Tell me there's a fan out there.)

* Once while playing basketball at 3 a.m. campus security came over to interrogate and check for a SHUI (Shooting Hoops Under the Influence). I told the cop my name was Chafen Cox.

The majority of the time I have used them to avoid trouble. But hey, they might come in handy if I ever publish a best-selling book and decide to use an alias to protect my identity. (For side reference, those type of alias' are also called pen-names. i.e. Mark Twain, Samuel Langhorne Clemens.)

Besides the failed TV show "Alias", these false nicknames can lead to great laughs and hopeful getaways. My one wish is that they won't come back to bite us. I don't want to be handcuffed outside a bar and have the cop say, "Are you, Brock... Tater Salad Bybee?"

Touche' Danni, I never thought about the Adulterous scar emblazoned on her chest. I guess in reality, the A was saying, "This woman is the BEST hooker in our entire town! No one is more sleazy than her!"