Disclaimer: Buddy Cole is created by Kids in the
Hall. This character is not owned
by me, etc. etc. I'm just doin' this for fun!
And I also took the liberty of lifting—er,
recycling an old KitH joke.

[Setting:
Buddy's Bar, confetti and streamers strewn on
the floor and on the counter. A
"Welcome Back" banner hangs on the wall behind the bar. Buddy is wearing tight gold lame pants
and a satin black shirt; his hair is styled in his usual pomp. He is sitting on his usual stool, alone
and smoking a cigarette.]

Hello everyone! Yes, Buddy's
is back in business! "How is that
possible? Didn't you close down
several years ago?" you might be asking.
Well, the guy who won my bar in that game of strip poker got tired of
trying to keep a straight bar, so he reached into his inner fag and went on
sabbatical in Europe.

He called me up when he came back and told me he had a special chocolate
he wanted me to try. How could I
resist? "Tony," I said, "I'll be
right there. And I'm bringin' strawberries and champagne!"

When I got there I said, "So where's this chocolate you want me to
taste?" Tony said, "It's on
me." So he ripped off his silk
bathrobe, and he was covered in chocolate from his chest to his toes! He wanted me to lick it all off! And I did! It was the most delicious thing I'd ever
put in my mouth. With some exceptions, of course.

The next morning, Tony told me about the bar and how sick he was of
it. So he said I could take it
back—on one condition. With a sly
smile on his face, Tony told me he'd give me one month to find out where in
Europe he'd gotten this unique chocolate. Since I didn't have anything better to
do, I said, "Sure," packed my bags and took the first flight out to
Paris.

I must've gone through all of
Paris—and its public toilets—looking
for this chocolate. Nothing. So I headed off to
Munich. Nothing but fat
straight men wearing lederhosen and drinking beer. So I headed to
Berlin. Not to get chocolate, just to catch up
with a few friends in a couple of public toilets. And then—

So where was I? Oh,
right—Berlin. So after
Berlin, I headed to
Rome,
Venice,
Milan, and the
Vatican. Yes, the
Vatican. A few friends of mine became
priests. After they saw me again,
they nearly reconsidered their vow of chastity! [laughs] But no, I would never corrupt a man of
the cloth.

Well, time was starting to run out, so I headed to
Athens next. I didn't find the chocolate, but I knew
of a great dance club there called the Pink Parthenon. I danced and danced all night. But I digress.

My next and final stop was
London. Of course, the Brits aren't well known
for culinary confections or concoctions of any kind, but at least they know what
public toilets are for!
*cough*George Michael*cough* Ah, the memories.

Well, I came back to Toronto
empty-handed. I had 24 hours left,
so I decided to drown my sorrows in a café on Yonge Street. I ordered a double espresso, which was
served to me with a small chocolate wrapped in gold foil. When I put the chocolate in my mouth, my
taste buds came alive with joy! It
was the same chocolate Tony had supposedly brought back from
Europe! That
devious bitch!

I bought 1,000 pieces and took them home. I invited Tony over and told him I'd
found the chocolate. "Prove it," he
challenged me. So I did. I covered myself in the chocolate
and—well, you know where the story goes from there. "You bought this here in
Toronto!" I said. "I tricked you!" he laughed. "Silly faggot, tricks are for kids!" I
shot back.

Well, Tony gave me the keys to the bar and said it was all mine
again. Tonight's reopening was a
success! All my old friends were
here celebrating along with me.
All of them, except for Tony. The day after I won the bet, he took off
for Europe again and I haven't the faintest idea where he
is now. [sighs heavily] Some times I find myself wondering about
Tony, where he is, who he's with.
What is he thinking? Is he
thinking of me? And whether he'll
ever return one day…

THE END.

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