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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Best and Worst Halloween Candy Countdown: No. 19

It wasn't all that long ago that Gut Check was donning our finest Disney princessStar Wars character drag outfit and joining the swarms of greedy American children on the hallowed Halloween quest for candy. So we remember well the post-trick-or-treat ritual of sorting the bounty into two piles, i.e., Good Stuff and Crap.

Then we'd head back out and t.p. all the houses where we'd been handed lame candy. We considered the act to be a hint to the clueless to maybe bust out the Snickers next year instead of those execrable homemade popcorn balls. A community service, if you will.

Now we're on the other side of the door, trick-or-treatily speaking, and we're also working from a position of strength when it comes to stamping out Halloween-candy imbecility.

Want to avoid having your happy home t.p.'ed this year? Check back each weekday between now and the Big Day as we count down the 21 Best Halloween Treats and the 21 Worst Halloween Treats...

Best Halloween Candy Countdown, No. 19: Gummi Bears
First of all, we must acknowledge that there are dozens of brands of Gummi Bears. The best, of course, is Haribo Gold Bears. They're perfectly chewy (not too soft, like many other brands), and the flavors are vibrant. They're slightly greasy, which is way better than that funky dust or sugar coating that's on other bears. Plus, with a little saliva you can make them stick to almost anything, including more Gummi Bears! Stick them to your friends' faces, pose them on a table or make them do filthy things to other innocent Bears. The possibilities are boundless.

Everyone knows there are only three decent Necco Wafer varieties: brown, white and pink. And while all-chocolate wafer rolls exist, the traditional Necco rainbow leaves much to be desired, and inevitably ends up in the trash. Plus, the simple, old-fashioned chalky wafers don't exactly cater to the modern kid's sensibilities -- if someone gave us a roll of the things, we'd eat all the chocolate ones and scatter the rest in their yard. Jerks.