Pages

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

What Not to Say

I love that show What Not to Wear. You know, the one where snarky New Yorkers descend on small-town frumps, mock their outdated sweaters and ill-fitting trousers, fly them to NYC for a $5,000 shopping spree and teach them how to dress appropriately.

I have an idea for a new show: What Not to Say. It would secretly film cocktail parties and coffee shops and wherever friends and acquaintances gather. Whenever someone made an egregious conversational misstep, the sassy hosts would barge in on the social bumblers, mock their cliched comments and tacky remarks, and teach them how to communicate appropriately.

There could be an entire episode on the subject of infertility. Here's my Top 5 for What Not to Say: Infertility Edition. 1. Just relax and it will happen. An infertility blogger riffing on "just relax" is like a stand-up comedian joking about airline peanuts - it's been done to death, but you people out there keep SAYING it to us so you leave me no choice. Look, it's just about the most ironic thing you can say to an infertile woman because it induces a state of mind that is the polar opposite of "relaxed." Seriously, it drives us insane. The implication that we have somehow exacerbated our infertility by worrying too much about it just adds another heaping pile of guilt and shame to our already overloaded plates. Also, it's infertility, not a tension headache -- a massage and a long hot shower aren't going to fix the problem and it's insulting to the entire field of reproductive medicine to suggest otherwise.

2. You can always just adopt.You do realize that it's not like adopting a puppy, right? They don't have special events at Babies-R-Us where adorable infants sit in cardboard boxes just waiting for someone to pay for their shots and take them home.It's a whole lot more complicated than that and I simply don't have the energy to contemplate that journey while I'm still in the middle of this one. And please don't tell me about that person you know who got pregnant as soon as they adopted, as if that's a valid reason to pursue adoption. The idea of adopting a child in hopes of God having double coupon day and giving me a two-for-one deal is offensive.

3. Maybe it's just not meant to be. So, what you're saying is God or the universe or whatever you believe in doesn't want me to have children? Is there a reason for this or is it random? Am I being punished for something I did in this life or a previous one? And do you really want to have this existential debate here in Starbucks?

4. You can have one of mine. I get that you're just trying to defuse the situation with humor, but to someone who is desperate to have even one child, there is nothing funny about the fact that you have "extras" and can joke about giving one away like a spare ballpoint pen. Especially when you obviously have no intention of making good on the offer. It's like telling a double amputee, "sorry you lost your legs, you can have one of mine, hahahaha"

5. Pretend you're a prostitute.Actual quote from my mother: "just pretend you're a prostitute or one of those 15-year-old girls having sex in a bathroom...think to yourself, 'I hope I don't get pregnant' because that's what they do and they ALWAYS get pregnant." I'm not sure what's more appalling, that my mother told me to act like a whore or that she honestly thinks my uterus will respond to reverse psychology. But thanks for reminding me that many women who are ill-equipped to parent get pregnant without even trying. Sigh.

There's a simple makeover solution for all who would commit these gaffes: accept that you can't fix this for us. You can't make us laugh about it before we're ready. You can't make us understand why it's happening. There's nothing you can say that will help solve the problem, unless you happen to be a fertility professional and can tell us about some groundbreaking new IVF protocol, or serious clinical research that proves eating grapes during the full moon and doing it doggie style significantly improves pregnancy rates - in that case we're all ears and what kind of grapes?

Otherwise, don't say anything. Ask, instead.

Ask how we're doing. Ask how we feel. Ask if we want to talk about it or if there's anything you can do. Listen. Let us know that you care and you're there.

It's basic compassion, the little black dress of the conversational wardrobe, and it never goes out of style.

15 comments:

I totally agree. At work I have one coworker that insist I just need to "think positively" and it will work! Another coworker says oh well if it doesnt work "it just wasnt meant to be"! WTF!! First of all I appear to have the power to think a pregnancy in to happening and apparently I just havent been thinking hard enough for the last 10 years! And the other you explained how that ones makes a person feel perfectly. ADKWMN

Thanks, ADK. Obviously all these people mean well, but are just SO clueless and don't think about how what they say affects us. I'm so sorry you have to deal with those comments at work. Thinking of you a whole bunch this week. ((((hugs))))

Egghunter - I know, right? How is it helpful to imply that these awful things are SUPPOSED to happen to us? That they are inevitable and there's nothing we can do about it? As if we didn't already feel helpless enough. And who gave these people a direct line to God, anyway, that they know what was meant to be? Oh, I could rant on this one for a while....

Oh let's not forget the "at least you know you can get pregnant" to someone who had a miscarriage, missed miscarriage, entopic, etc. I was, at one point, even getting assvice from my FIL! As if HE has anything to say about my reproductive anomalies! I am totally bookmarking this and sending it out to some people who need some serious help.

How about "maybe you're not doing it right" or "you guys just need a vacation" or "go get drunk, it worked for us" or "all he has to do is look at me and I get pregnant" wow thanks, that helped...I could go on and on and on. I usually just sit there with a dumbfounded look on my face. I just can't believe the crap that comes out of people's mouths sometimes.

I'm late replying to this, but YES! I had one friend who, when she found out I was struggling with IF bragged that she was so fertile if she "peed on the ground a flower would grow." WTF?! Some people are just clueless.

I completely understand you!!! These "advices" are just soooo awful. I can't understand how someone could even think that could help. One I heard after my miscarriage was:"At least you know you can get pregnant. A neighbour of mine had 12 miscarriages before she had her child." How does knowing someone had to go through 12 miscarriages make me feel better? ok... she got pregnant and kept going... but knowing she miscarried 12 times in a row DOES NOT help. At least not the day after my D&C.

I love reading your posts... you seem to be able to express what I feel but can't bring myself to say.

I'm sorry for your loss and for the thoughtless things people said to you after it. Gah, just the thought of going through 12 miscarriages makes me nauseous. Thanks for reading and for your kind words, I'm glad you found something here that spoke to you.

I know this is an older post and you might not see this comment but I wanted to tell you that your blog is saving me! Mind, soul, and all the rest. You said it all right on this time sister bird and with more grace than most of the "why are people so stupid to infertiles" posts I've seen elsewhere. I just found you and it's been a revelation. And can I just say what is up with Mothers? Mine is all about babies and she was always a moms mom yet when I got the news that I have a 1% chance of becoming pregnant without donor eggs and that I had officially stopped praying for answers or help because I'm pretty sure HE's not listening to mine she said "yes I can see with science staring you in the face like that you would feel like your prayers aren't answered... And a big fat black period at the end! and she's VERY religious!! While going through this war I have discovered my mother cares the very least about my wounds. A shocking revelation! If you can hang on please keep writing. It's where I go when I have no where else to go. But also looking forward to the day when you write your final post and say "no more pain, no more searching, moving on and completely happy" in whatever way that happens for you and Mr Wren -Allie J

Wow. All I can say is thank you so much for that comment. I can't tell you how much it means to me to get this right now. I haven't been able to write lately but I do still check this blog and it seriously makes my day to hear that my words have touched someone else. Sorry you're having to go through all of this too, especially having a thoughtless mother on top of it all. I hope you find your "completely happy" ending, too! ((hugs))