7 Ways to be a Decent Human Being With Email

Because of the last 2 days, I feel 100% qualified to write about how to be a decent human being with emails. If emails are just today’s version of writing letters, then why are people so ignorant when sending them? How can someone make 6 figures, yet have the mannerisms of a 4-year-old with this form of communication? Oh yeah, cause money doesn’t buy class. So let’s review how to be a decent human being with emails.

1. Spell Check

Check your fucking emails before sending them. Pardon the French, this early into my post but I’ll explain. Why do emails look as if they were composed by babies? I’d say about every other day, I have to respond to an email with, “I don’t understand what you are saying”. Is there a function in Outlook that finishes words (like texts)? If so, Outlook should have the following disclaimer: IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO CHECK YOUR EMAIL BEFORE SENDING, DO NOT USE THIS PROGRAM. Don’t believe me? Here are 3 I’ve received since last Thursday:

We wil leed to find a replacement for this replacement.

Please set up the attached item for special order and passion number.

That helps me a bunch the information you just for termite and I am all set.

2. ASAP

Use ASAP wisely friend. If you say something is ASAP and we both know it’s not, then guess what? I’ll mosey on over to the restroom and maybe flip through Vogue on the john. Next, I’ll fill up my water bottle. Since the water fountain is next to the break room that has all the amazing, large windows, I’ll walk in there and bask in the sunshine for roughly 10 minutes. When I’m good and ready, I’ll walk back to my cube, check 20 new emails that have come in since yours and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll respond to your ASAP email. And God help you if use ASAP in the following way: “Call me ASAP!”

3. No Please, No Thank You

When you grew up in the barn, did ma’ and pa’ not teach you the magic words? When you say something like, “call me ASAP”, do you think I’ll call you? No, no I won’t. As elementary as not farting in the workplace, you would think pleases and thank yous would be a given. And don’t end an email with “regards” in lieu of thank you. What the fuck is that? I only use regards when I’m emailing someone I detest.

4. Marking Something Urgent When It’s Not

An email is to be marked urgent if it’s URGENT. If you send an email that says “thank you” and mark it urgent, I will drop kick your ass, and I’ll come over to your cube to do it.

5. Copying My Boss In An Effort to Tattle

Are we 3rd graders here? What’s your game plan? Are you tattling on me? When I email just you, why do you respond back, cc’ing my boss and your boss; insinuating I messed up? This actually happened yesterday but really, this person had dropped the ball so essentially, they tattled on themselves. I screw up several times, every week. Just today, I found myself in my boss’s office announcing, “I 100% screwed up. I’m really sorry.” My shit stinks, I own it and you should too.

6. Not Answering My Questions

Just when I think I’ve made something idiot proof, along comes the village idiot to challenge it. For example, I’ll list out brief, yet specific bullet points questions that I need answered. And do you know what happens? When someone doesn’t know the answer, they simply just skip over the question, as if it’s optional, and that’s adorable.

7. Big Words

There is someone who not only sends me painfully long emails, but uses words that haven’t been used since the Jacobean era. It’s so blatant that I think it’s on purpose. It’s annoying especially as a writer because I don’t know what they mean and immediately Google the word. Just this past week, this person has used words like asininity and smidgen. Smidg-what? I know that most people don’t have to deal with this but I’ve made a decision that for every email I receive with asininity or smidgen, I’m going to respond back with an over the top, ridiculous word in the body of the email. No matter how big-headed this person is in their emails, it was absolutely divine when I corrected his misuse of a French saying last Fall.

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35 thoughts on “7 Ways to be a Decent Human Being With Email”

No.4 is SO annoying. However, with no.1….there was that time I sent an email to all the NHS executives across the whole country apologising for any incontinence caused. It was a career low needless to say.

Wait….hold up…..I just want to make sure I read this right. You sent, across the entire country “incontinence”? That is wonderful now but horrible when it happened. What does NHS stand for? Buy you prove my point. Folks need to check their emails before sending.

Do people not have spell check in their email programs in the USA? lol The little annoying red line under words to tell you they are wrong? What about the program “grammarly”? It does all the checking for you! Plus grammar and sentence structure and EVERYTHING. There really is no excuse not to have a properly worded email if you are over the age of 18. And I only say 18, because if you are still in high school, I will give you a free pass on the over use of emojis and slang just because you are young.

Oh, we have all of that. Hell, I have the dictionary.com app on my phone. There are plenty of precautions one could take but many don’t and it’s annoying. I’ve heard of grammarly but kinda forget what it is. Seriously though, if you are an adult, it is your duty to put forth the best emails forward.

Omg. I love this and I love YOU so much!!! If I had a penny for every reason emails PISS ME OFF I’d be sun bathing in Bora Fucking Bora with not a worry in this world!!!!! I HATE EMAILS AND EVERYONE IN THEM!!!!!! I mostly hate how condescending it is to request help with something and to NEVER even so much as get a responseeeeee EVER!!! like I’m totally fucking ignored!!! Oh my GOD! And can we talk about this whole “thank you in advance” at the end of emails? Bitch. Don’t thank me yet as if I’m going to bow down to you. Omg omg omg omg lol 😂

OMG! Damn it! I hate when a reader comes up with something absolutely genius that I completely forgot! YES, YES AND MORE YES! “Thank you in advance?” What the fuck is that? See #2 when you try to pull that shit with me. I won’t respond back. When someone writes “thank you in advance,” that in itself, is condescending! You know, I bet you could come up with another amazing 5 I never thought of! Let me know if you do!

Lol! I’m the queen of “NO NO NO you misunderstood my email because you’re reading it with the tone you ASSUME I was using” so because I’m generally sarcastic or “snappy” you immediately assume that my tone is sarcastic and snappy which has forced me to end EVERY SINGLE DAMN EMAIL with a “neutralizing” little smiley face or “Thank you so much Team” in order to avoid hearing shit from someone lol. I really have to use all of my energy and wisdom towards writing the simplest of emails because people are fucking sensitive sheep! Ugh!! lol I seriously Hate Emails. Thanks for this post!

And that’s why my posts will NEVER be chosen to be featured on WordPress because it’s loaded with fuck bombs and topics such as dildos and drinking. In fact, for some “odd” reason, I attempt to participate in the WordPress word prompt of the day and despite trying EVERYTHING and putting my problem on the WP forum, my posts don’t show up. I’m sorry WordPress that my posts aren’t about impressionistic artwork being brought to the indigenous tribes of the Amazon or marionette puppets teaching amish people how to dance. The lame ass things they find “interesting reads” are mind boggling to me.

Ok, we seem to have the same sense of humor! Love it! You’re in Miami right? I just wrote a post on how LA and Miami are the 2 places that make me feel like the hunch back of Notre Dame. I wrote it b/c I’m going to L.A. in a month. You’ll have to let me know if it’s on point.

I love so much of this.
My boss has told me I am the girl who uses words that he doesn’t know. It’s never on purpose I just use my vocabulary, especially when I am being honest and passionate and I think the person gets me. The douche down the row who tattles on me? He gets the short, no more than necessary- usually withholding a bit not helping him any more than necessary- because I want him to die. So this person may not think you need a what for, or are trying to make you feel stupid, they may appreciate you and your intelligence and assume you can handle all the words.

Thank you for this! Yeah, the dude that uses the big words, I don’t think he’s being malicious. He’s like a thousand years old so maybe he really is using words from his childhood, IDK. As for the tattler, yeah, they can fall off the face of the Earth for all I care. Those are the ones being malicious….or maybe just super stupid….IDK.

I’m afraid I can only explain #1 and… 7. And possibly 5, but there’s a lot going on in that one.

#1: for many of those, people are using the spellcheck, but mangling the word beyond recognition then blindly accepting the first suggestion when they click through. This is why I stop when a word is underlined. “What? I fucked that up? Okay, let’s talk about it… ” Yes, I sometimes do that out loud. Don’t judge.

#7: This is another case of people misusing technology; they have learned about the thesaurus function and feel it’s their best chance to look smart. Some will even start with a simple word, like simple, click “effortless” as a replacement, then decide that’s not fancy enough and keep going; through unproblematic and straightforward, a sharp left at essential, hover over indispensable before arriving at compulsory. NEVER SELECT A “SYNONYM” UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THE MEANING OF THAT WORD, PEOPLE. Jfc, there’s no quicker way to look like an idiot than to refer to your simple request for a password change than to refer to it as a “compulsory acquiescence for a nonentity reformation.”

#5: This one might actually be defensible if their boss is the sort of douchenozzle who insists that all interactions between your departments be handled exactly this way. I’ve been there, usually because someone in the other department was in the habit of claiming we never talked or that wasn’t what was agreed to and for some reason my copy of the email chain wasn’t good enough for their boss. Not saying that’s what you’ve got going on, just that sometimes there’s weird shit going on behind the scenes and higher up the chain than you want to think about. Or this person might be trying to get you in trouble. Or, in the case of the one who fucked up, might be covering their ass by making sure everyone knows the exact moment they were made aware of the problem so nobody can claim later that they knew six weeks ago and did nothing. I’d be inclined to shrug and let that one go… unless they’re also a question skipper, because there is NO EXCUSE for that shit. None.

I love all your responses here and thank you for making me laugh at lunch. I’ve had a stressful day and TOTALLY needed this! I don’t know…..your words are getting pretty big with douchenozzle, which I’ve never heard but vowed to use at least 3 times today. Poetic. #5, I think some people are oblivious on how it’s taken when even though the original email didn’t have my boss on it then they add boss. Perhaps I should give him the benefit of the doubt? As for the big words….isn’t that sooo true!!! OMG!

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