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My husband Thom and I have developed a weird yearly ritual: As my beloved 2009 Ford Escape (“Pup”), gets older and more tired, we spend about a week each Fall researching new SUV’s. Last year we were obsessed with the Toyota Highlander, the year before that it was a Lexus, up until tonight it was a Subaru Forester, then a Honda CRV. We spend hours researching all the reviews, the specifications, and the best deals in a 150 mile radius. Then in preparation for the Big Event we either vac and sanitize Pup ourselves or have him professionally detailed, all spiffed up for the big trade before we head off the next day to a select group of dealerships.

THEN, I take another look at my now shiny, immaculate little Pup with his new brakes, exquisite sound system, zippy energy, handy trailer hitch, remote starter, cozy leather seats, giant moonroof, and perfectly engineered boxlike physique, and I cancel the dates to cheat on him with fancier, younger Dudes. I feel like an ungrateful cad, betraying Pup’s steadfast determination to get me around safely and comfortably with some modicum of style as well. And in his quiet, forgiving way he takes me back….

So what is this weird ritual all about?

After examining all the aspects of replacing Pup, including scrutinizing the cost of “new” vs. the cost risks of “very used,” and looking closely at the issues of “want” vs. “need,” it all comes down to prerogative: how a choice becomes more of a choice, when you know you can do something. When it’s not an act of desperation made under duress, or an act of vanity to preserve or protect your image or sense of self, or some indulgence which might put you over the edge in some way, then you become free to choose it or not. You’re released! You can say yes or no!

So, once again, I choose to stay with my less sexy, but loyal, cozy old Pup, savoring the memories we share, and looking forward to the journeys in store for us together.

In my profession as a psychotherapist specializing in couples work I have often encountered client complaints about positive gains they had achieved, but no traction around them in the past.

It reminds me of the old cynical joke the “regulars” at the gym would make about the Newbies who joined every January: that come March, these crowds would be gone, and we’d have the place to ourselves again. Sadly, it was always true – all the positive intentions and energy the January crowd brought didn’t last more than a month or two. They weren’t able to build traction in their exercise endeavors. And, whether you’re talking about sustained change in your exercise habits or sustained change in your marriage, the requirements are very similar.

If, as an example, you and your spouse would like to communicate more effectively, (the most common goal I encounter in my work with couples), you’ll need to use these five tools:

1. To make sure you’re moving steadily in the right direction it will require that you use a “map” of sorts. Where would you like to go? What is your destination? Be clear about what “getting there” looks like. Will there be more attentive listening? Will there be more clarity about wants and needs or more focus in your conversations? Establish clearly understood and definable goals.

2. Be clear about what you’ll each need to stay with the journey. Reassurance from each other? Some type of break or pleasurable time out from the work? Positive feedback about the emergence of better conversations? In other words, what will you each need in the way of “supplies” to maintain your efforts?

3. Establish markers of progress. What “sign posts” will you see on your “map” that will tell you you’re either moving in the right direction or going off course? Will you be spending more time together? Will you be sharing more confidences? Will more problems be solved? Will you feel calmer / happier together?

4. Reward yourselves with acknowledgment about the meaning of the gains you’ve made. What has made your efforts worth it? Do you feel closer? Do you feel more committed to your marriage? If you have kids, are they calmer or happier around the two of you? Establish clear motivations to maintain the gains made.

5. Celebrate your success as you reach your “destination.” If, as an example, your conversations are flowing more freely with less defensiveness, celebrate your positive gains with something meaningful to both of you – go away for a special weekend, get a new “toy”, like new skis, or an upgraded TV, or even a special book you’ve wanted to read together. Celebrate your success with some material or quality time indulgence that punctuates your efforts and achievements.

Use these five tools to achieve traction around any gains you’ve made individually and together, so you don’t become like another “March dropout” at the gym!

In this 45 minute podcast I’ll meet with Lisa McNally, a mother of three who has 20+ years of experience working with divorcing individuals, couples and families in all aspects of family law matters including divorce, separation, child custody, co-parenting and parental rights.

As a Divorce Coach, Lisa supports and guides individuals experiencing divorce one-on-one, helping them navigate the often lengthy, stressful and convoluted process in a dignified way. Her clients benefit by having her by their side to help them make the best possible decisions for themselves and their children based on their unique interests, needs, concerns, and goals.

Don’t miss this vital podcast! You can call in live with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM EST or listen to the recording at your convenience at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

One way or another, I hope you can tune in!

Best,

Susan

PS. If you’re on the fence about staying married and need help to make a confident decision about a direction for your marriage, you may be a candidate for Discernment Counseling. It’s a form of brief treatment designed for couples on the brink. I am the only clinician in New Hampshire certified to do this delicate work, and would be glad to discuss the possibility of setting up an initial appointment with you. Call my office voicemail at 603-431-7131 or email me at: [email protected]

As many of you out there probably already know, developing a new website is like making a new marriage – exciting, scary, and VERY unfamiliar. The old relationship may have gotten a bit stale or outdated, but the “devil you know” often feels more workable than the one you don’t!

This new website has been a four month collaboration with the ever patient saints at Dexmedia who put up with my endless questions and fussiness over little details. They all deserve high praise, and hopefully, some time off after dealing with my obsessiveness for all this time.

On this new site you can more easily contact me via email and phone, connect with my social media sites, access my forms, search your concerns or topics in my “Search” bar (upper right), get into my Amazon Store where you can find and buy books you’re looking for, and more easily find my office, among other things. The other thing I hope you notice is that the site is not heterosexist, but conveys my strongly held value of servicing same sex couples as well.

I’m open to productive feedback regarding your experience on this new site – how easily it functions for your needs, how to find what you’re looking for, and overall if it’s a pleasant experience using it. So, here we go!

Have a happier marriage when you harness the tools of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Learn from the experts all about this powerful form of brief treatment aimed at helping couples transform their interactions from anger and distancing to connection and deeper understanding.

Tune into BlogTalk Radio Wednesday, 11/16/16 at 8:30 PM EDT at: http://tobtr.com/s/9608805 to catch the podcast live streaming or listen to it afterward at your convenience. Even better, call into the studio live with your questions or comments at 877-497-9046. Hope you can join us!

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About Susan Lager

I am a licensed, board certified pyschotherapist and relationship coach in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Through my psychotherapy or coaching services, I can provide you with
skills and tools to transform your life.