I planned on putting it in a cheesy little ring box and giving it to you for our anniversary. As in a gesture that I’m giving you my heart. We’ve been friends for years and the time we have recently spent as lovers as meant more to me than any time I can recall. I trust you and care about you more than any man in my life. But you said you will never have sex with me. You told me you don’t want to fall in love, can’t be in love, too busy for me. So, what do you want from me?

Thanks for kissing me first, telling me you have feelings for me first, asking me out first, telling me you LOVE me first, and then lodging a bullet through my heart you fuckin’ dick. I can’t believe you have hurt me this bad.

Don’t tell me you love me, but say you don’t want to be in love. Don’t call me “my love,” and “my favorite girl in the world,” but say you don’t want to be in love with me. Don’t feel me up and kiss my pelvic bones and tell me you don’t want to have sex with me. Don’t tell me any more misleading lies.

I feel so fucking unloved.

But I want to stay with you. Am I an idiot for wanting to stay with you? Wanting to keep this together? I’m so in love with you. I wonder if I should feel shame that I have become the woman I told myself I never ever would. But you are not a bad guy. You are the best man I have ever met.

I’m not going to give you that little stuffed heart. No. Not until you earn it.