Thursday, July 5, 2012

Most people live by the stereotype that teenagers make their
lives a whole hell of a lot harder than they need to be. They probably do. But
no matter the needs, or the wants, or the reasons; those hardships shape who we
are today.

And sometimes those hardships make people go insane.

When I was fifteen years, I first realized the motives of
bad people. The short version is a damaged person did something to make
themselves look like a bad person, and that damaged bad person did something to
destroy my optimism. I don't know the exact reason why this person mentally
shattered me, but it was probably because they were insecure about something,
specifically something I'm sure I represented in their life.

And then you get it, a bully. A successful bully. A bully
that was successful in breaking me.

After my roller coaster of an association with that person,
I decided I hated that person. I decided I wanted to break that person, and
bad. I realized I understood the motives behind criminals that want to hurt
others.

But I never acted on that. I just left. I gave up. That
event was among what I consider the turning point, or loss of childhood
innocence. Children, in my opinion, are these magical creatures that do not
hate and do not resent. Adults, on the other hand, hate and resent, and mostly
do so because of the things that shaped their personalities into what they are
as a younger person.

That event, among others, is reflected in the way I behave
today. It's reflected in my insecurities. Maybe I can't trust people? Maybe I
think everyone has an ulterior motive? Maybe I cry a lot, over nothing, over
everything? Maybe I still have that tendency to make my life harder than it
needs to be.

Of course, I suppose the point of this blog entry is to
assess that for the first time in my life, I'm trying to shake those feelings
of insecurity that cause me to do things like act like a clingy,
desperate, center-of-the-universe.