TEARFUL AWAKENING
by Joshua Black
Steve is going to get on just fine. He made
it through the worst and now we both face the
future. I'll never forget that December day
at the end of my first quarter at the Ohio
State University. I'll never forget that
look on his face. Steve taught me about many
things, but there's one lesson that will
always stick out in my memory. Even gods are
mortal at heart.
Steve lives on my floor of the dorm Lincoln
Tower. He's also a freshman at OSU and I
seem to recall him saying that he lives just
outside Columbus. He lives in Suite 1920, a
suite I've since dubbed the "Suite of the
Gods." I live in 1940. In my suite live
very bright, deep, and engaging individuals.
In Steve's suite live very good looking men.
Some eighteen year olds look as if they're
just about to turn sixteen. Baby faces and
smooth skin will follow them forever in life.
But Steve isn't quite like that. He's one of
those eighteen year olds who looks like he's
been an adult for some time. He's well
built and that adds to his allure. Steve's
muscles and build are rough and rugged --
betraying his deep sensitivity. He's the
kind of guy that's perpetually stubbled. And
it's not a bad kind of stubble -- it's quite
virile and more than mildly erotic. I'm
assuming he's Jewish (that star of David
pendant clued me in) though he doesn't have
any stereotypical features. He dresses well,
but neither extravagantly nor outlandishly.
Steve is known for his big stuffed slippers
in the shape of the Disney character Goofy.
He sings and he knows how to cook. He wears
an earring and is artistic.
The first time I met Steve was about a month
after school began. He needed some help with
his e-mail account and heard of me. I
remember him bending down and putting his
disk in my drive. He had trouble at first
getting the disk in at first. I leaned over
and helped him, effortlessly sliding it in.
I looked down his loose shirt and saw a well-
built chest with perfectly proportioned dark
black hair. He smelled sweet. I quickly
loaded Eudora and downloaded his mail, all
the while struggling to not notice that
enticing bulge in his tight blue jeans.
Within five minutes I had helped him and he
went back to the 1920 suite. I felt as if
I'd been visited by a momentary apparition,
gracing my life for a second and then
fleeing. I didn't see him for a month.
The next time our paths crossed was at a
Christmas concert at Mershon Auditorium on
campus. Being gay, it's only natural that
I'd like the fine arts and I bought tickets
early for the event. Halfway through the
second act I noticed a familiar face in the
second row about two-thirds over to the
right. It was Steve. Steve sang in a deep,
masculine voice. His voice screamed out to
me in its lust, in passion, in manliness.
His dense body packed his tuxedo as he
bellowed Latin hymns of rejoicing. I've
never been so turned on by choral music.
After that orgasmic concert experience I ran
into him only a few times. I was shy and
couldn't bear to be in the same room with
him. He isn't loud, or outgoing. If
anything he is quiet, laid-back and has a
fresh sense of humor. His Disney slippers in
some way transcended concepts of masculinity.
I recall looking down at his feet, at those
slippers. Poking out over Goofy's floppy ear
was his strong ankle traced with evenly
spaced hairs. Few ankles have turned me on
so much. Oh the things I could do with that
ankle! Just one ankle!
By the time my obsession had reached its
zenith I was certain the boy was straight.
True, he is deep, creative, sensitive, and
artistic, but he made it a concerted effort
to display his heterosexuality. His
comments, however, always seemed strained.
He would talk lustily about Madonna, though
he did it half-heartedly. I always suspected
something deeper was going on in his complex
mind. If I only knew.
Enter into the picture Dale. Dale lives with
Steve and they've become friends during the
first college quarter of cohabitation. Dale
doesn't look like Steve. Dale has a perfect
baby face, climaxed by a pointed nose. He is
lithe and smooth. Dale is Adonis and Steve
Apollo.
I was content merely to admire these Greeks
from afar. I began to live for those
momentary glances in the elevator or across
the dining commons. It was therefore a
surprise when Steve stumbled into my room one
evening. His eyes were bloodshot and he
looked tired. It took me a moment to recover
from the shock of seeing him in my room. I
knew that the gods assumed human form, but
this being in front of me betrayed his
divinity.
"Are you alone, Joshua?"
"Yeah, Steve, what's up?"
He sat down next to my computer table, the
same one where we I had helped him months
before, and looked nervously around the room.
"Close the door," he asked. I complied.
Embarrassingly he asked me, "You're gay,
right?" I looked around my room covered with
rainbow flags, catchy gay pride slogans, and
pink triangles. I wasn't too closeted.
"Uh, yeah, I guess so. Why do you ask?"
At that point his eyes welled with tears.
Soon he was sobbing. I leaned over and held
him and then I held him tight. He lay his
head in my lap while I stroked his dark hair.
Over the course of the next hour my God
became a man before my eyes. This fragile
mortal simply needed to talk. This is his
story, not mine.
"I don't know why I came here. I thought
maybe you could help me. A lot of things in
my life are kind of fuzzy these days. I
don't know where else to turn. You see, it
all has to do with Dale. Since the first day
of school Dale has been my buddy. We talk
about chicks, football, and everything. Well,
then something happened. I don't know how, I
don't know why. But it happened.
"It started a few weeks ago. It was a
Thursday, I remember. I remember it was a
Thursday because that's the day I have my
Calculus class at 7:30. I have to get up
super early, throw myself in the shower, get
dressed and race across the Oval to my class.
That Thursday was the day of our midterm.
I'd been up till three studying integrals and
cosines and derivatives and all that shit.
This was a big test and I needed the grade.
The next morning I woke up and flipped out
when I saw the clock on my bedstand. It said
7:20. I overslept.
"I went into hyperdrive at that point. I
figured that if I ran like hell I could
shower, get dressed, and get to class with
maybe thirty seconds to spare for a croissant
breakfast. I ripped off the t-shirt I was
wearing, dropped my boxers and ran to the
door. Hell, I looked down and realized I
forgot my towel. That could have been
embarrassing! I leapt back in the room and
held a town around me just enough to cover
for modesty.
"In the bathroom I ripped off the towel,
threw it on the rack and ran into the shower.
That's when it happened. Without thinking I
pushed aside the shower curtain and took a
step in. Then I froze in my tracks. Dale
was there. He got to the shower first and I
inadvertently walked in on him. There he
was, buck naked, soaping his body and there I
was, buck naked, standing almost in the
shower with him.
"I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed
in my life. I mean me and Dale have seen
each other naked before, but that wasn't
quite it that morning. As I stood there for
that split second, I looked into Dale's eyes.
He looked into mine. At the same time we
stole just a second to look at the body of
the other.
"I remember the feeling I had. Yeah, I'd
seen his bare ass many times, but for some
reason this was different. For some reason I
looked down at his cock. It was wet, water
from the shower cascading to the floor. His
soft hair matted around it, it just looked
different. I looked as his chest and his
legs. I remember thinking about how little
hair he had in those places. He only had a
layer of wetted fuzz on his thigh above the
knee, and a small trail of blond of hair on
his chest.
"I knew he was doing the same to me. His
eyes were fixed on my arms, my nipples, my
chest, my genitals. He stared at my dick and
I saw some weird look in his eyes. Out of
knee-jerk embarrassment I moved my hands to
cover myself. As I did, I noticed something.
Standing there in front of Dale, I had a
giant erection just starting to come on. I
was breathing hard and remember being
horribly frightened. I don't know why.
After just a few seconds of this I started to
mumble about how sorry I was to have barged
in. I started backing out of the shower,
still apologizing. Dale said nothing. I
closed the shower curtain and walked over to
the other stall. I was still hard and damn
embarrassed. I was wondering if he saw me
get so excited.
"The worst part was that I didn't really
ng. I've fallen in love with the man who was
owered and just barely made it to my Calculus
midterm. I got that test back last Tuesday.
I got a 65 -- I guess my mind wasn't on unit
circles and natural logs that day.
"For the next week Dale and I avoided each
other. We went home for Thanksgiving break
and I thought this whole thing might just be
put behind us. It could have been, except I
wouldn't let it die. I kept replaying those
frozen seconds. There seemed something
vaguely familiar to them. I remembered my
friend Jeff in junior high and what I used to
think n the showers with him after basketball
practice. I though about high school and how
I never really felt comfortable with all
those girls I dated. It freaked me out. Big
time.
"I wished I knew what Dale was thinking. I
couldn't get that look on his face out of my
mind. Worst of all, I couldn't get that
image of his perfect body out of my mind.
Just as I thought I couldn't stand it
anymore, Dale made the next move. This just
happened last week. That's why I'm flipping
out like I am now, Joshua."
I sat there soaking up every word of Steve's
story. I wish I could describe better the
tone in his voice as he told me these things.
He spoke of it like one would speak of a
grave sin committed in the past. It was
anguish and I admit to once knowing that same
anguish well. He told parts of this story
through tears and I was patient. I fought
hard to not become turned on myself. The
image of the two most beautiful young men in
my building, naked, was an awful lot for me
to handle. I did it well, though. That day
I found one part of Steve that turned me on
so much more than his firm chest or that
bulge in his jeans. I listened deeply,
waiting to here what happened so recently to
shake him up so much. Steve continued.
"Yesterday morning I was running behind
again. My alarm clock totally died and I had
fifteen minutes to get to Chem. I ran to the
shower , though this time made the wise
choice to check before I barged in. I heard
the other shower running and saw Dale's towel
on the hook. I rushed and got out before he
was out. When I turned off the water I heard
him turn of his shower head. I dried off and
wrapped the towel around my waist. I headed
back to the room to get dressed and walked
barefoot through the suite, closing the door
on my way in. I had taken two steps when I
heard the door open behind me. It was Dale.
"He, like me, had a towel wrapped around his
waist for modesty's sake. I felt my stomach
drop. I mumbled something, but I don't
remember what. I hoped that maybe he needed
something, maybe he ran out of shampoo or
wanted to grab my Calc notes before I ran off
to class.
"He walked over closer, still not saying
anything. Our eyes were locked. As I stood
next to my bed he reached around my side and
did one quick flick of his wrist on the knot
of my towel. My towel dropped to the floor.
This time I didn't move to hide the fact I
was turned on. But in a way it was something
different than being just stimulated. I was
thrilled with a new sensation. I was scared
as hell, but enjoying the ride.
"I stood there in front of him just like
that. He shut my room door behind him. He
then reached down and dropped his own towel
to the floor. We stood there just like that
for what seemed forever. Two men in front of
each other -- naked, erections painfully
obvious. If I were thinking then I would
have felt vulnerable. I didn't, though. I
felt like something important was going to
happen.
"He took the first step towards me. No words
were spoken. Our hard cocks touched each
other lightly. Dale lunged over and grabbed
me. He started kissing passionately and I
couldn't help but reciprocate. We ended up
on the bed rolling around. Our hair was
still wet from the shower; we reveled in the
purity of our clean skin. Lips locked, I
squeezed his pects and he rubbed his fingers
through the hair on my chest. I reached
around and grabbed his ass and kneaded the
powerful muscles.
"Our hard dicks were rubbing against each
other, yelling for attention. He was the
first one to grab me there. Dale grabbed the
shaft and held tightly. He moved his hand
back and forth and tugged. My God, did it
feel good. As he gripped and jerked the
shaft, he rubbed his thumb over the sensitive
tip. His other hand was still busy learning
my body.
"I took the plunge myself and grabbed his.
The whole body was smooth and perfect. His
private parts were no different.
I squeezed his scrotum and twirled my fingers
in his soft and still damp pubic hairs. We
stopped our kissing routine to rearrange our
figures. Both of us instinctively dove down
on the other. There, lying on the bed, I
discovered the infamous sixty-nine of porn
lore and folk stories. I couldn't understand
why I felt so compelled to totally devour his
dick. I couldn't get enough of it and nearly
gagged myself initially. He did the same to
me and I felt my penis, still cold from the
shower, warming up quickly among his teeth.
"I sucked him ravenously, hard, and
violently. No thoughts went through my head.
I worshipped before me the god Priapos.
Nothing else in the universe existed except
Dale's member and my corporal self. Oh,
Joshua, it went so far beyond just being
sexual or erotic. God, you must think I'm
totally psycho."
I looked at Steve and quickly nodded no.
Somehow I knew what he meant and I knew what
he was saying. I begged him to continue.
"I rubbed my hands up and down his thighs, to
his knees, and then back to his torso. I
fondled his balls and he did the same to me.
We were not quiet at all -- I distinctly
remember a shocked moan coming from my lungs.
With more fury I played with, sucked, licked,
rubbed, and grasped his penis. He did the
same to me. He did exactly the same. We
came at almost the same moment. I remember
feeling his muscles beneath me tighten up and
hearing his breathing become labored. He
shot just a second before me. I remember
seeing his cum and being not disgusted, but,
rather, in awe. I swallowed some and let
some drip down the side. I was swallowing
more than semen. I was swallowing Dale.
"I practically blacked out during my own
orgasm. When it finally subsided I collapsed
on his thigh, the salty taste of life still
on my lips. We rearranged our tired selves
and linked tongues. I held him very, very
tight and he did the same. I thought we
might injure each other embracing so tightly.
I felt every point of my flesh touching his.
He smelled clean and pure and perfect.
"Soon our dicks both went flaccid. He
quickly grabbed his towel and wiped up the
mess we'd made. He wrapped the towel around
himself and headed to his room. As he walked
out I ran after him, naked, and called out to
him. He looked back at me with another look
that I shall never forget. He almost cried
at that moment. The tears welled in his
eyes, but they didn't come.
"Well, this morning I found out that Dale had
left our suite. His father was very ill and
he wanted to go to school closer to home.
Dale never had told me this. I never had a
chance to say good-bye, Joshua. I don't
believe I'll ever see him again. Today has
been hell. I never thought I'd come to this
point. My God, I'm gay! I've known it
forever, but I never wanted to say it.
Joshua, I loved Dale. My God, I loved him.
Why didn't I tell him that? Why did this
happen? Why does it hurt so much?"
At this point Steve began to sob again. I
put his head in my lap, stroked his dark hair
and told him that everything would be all
right.
Copyright 1994 by Joshua Black
All rights reserved