I am me – consumed by a world of everlasting anomaly. I do not fret, I do not fear. My dreams will live on until the tides stop and the darkness prevails. One day, odd will not exist. Different will not strike panic in society. Fat girls will take their hard earned places on billboards, appreciated. Walk in my shoes and you will see that I am not mediocre. I am exactly as I should be.

Month: January 2018

When I say “my last pizza”, I don’t mean a slice or two of pizza. I mean the whole thing. That’s right – I can eat an entire 11″ pizza by myself without blinking an eyelash. Plus half a stick of garlic bread. Not counting the large glass of Sprite I usually wash it all down with, that’s roughly 2,136 calories and 87.8 grams of fat, over half of which are saturated fat. What’s even worse, I’ve been doing this 1-2 times per week since I got back from my trip to the USA in mid-December. And all of this without a gall bladder.

In short: I have lost my damn mind. I can’t blame this change in behaviour on my trip, as I ate pretty healthily over there aside from having too much soda. This is the timeline of my thought process as I see it in hindsight:

Mid-December – “Ugh! I’m so tired from all that flying! Ehh, won’t hurt this one time.”

Late-December – “It’s Christmas – you have to ‘treat yo-self’ sometimes! I’ll get back into it on Boxing Day.”

Boxing Day – “It’s still technically the holidays. What will it hurt to wait until 1 January to get back into it?”

Week 1 January – “Well I’ve already screwed up this week, so I’ll just start on Sunday.”

Week 2 January – “Ehh…fuck it.”

All of this has made me realise that I’m really good at one thing when it comes to my health: Convincing myself why I can’t or shouldn’t do something positive for my body at any given moment in time. I’m clearly a great marketer in more than just my professional life. And the lazy side of my brain is a marketer’s dream.

The question remains, “How do I change this habit?” How do I stop letting the part of my brain that wants to sell myself bad decisions shut off? I don’t know the answer to that. I mean – how many times have I proclaimed x-moment as the swan song of an unhealthy lifestyle? I said those exact words in a post here back in July. Positive things happened for a while, but then I ended up right back in the same place as I was before.

You know what really shits me off most? I spent a lot of time in the USA watching a show called My 600-Pound Life. I watched men and women self-destruct in much the same method as I’ve been doing to the point where surgery is literally the only chance they have. And yet, I came home from that trip and have eaten worse than I ever have in my life. I’ve been consuming probably 2-3 times what my caloric intake should be almost every day since I got back. I watched people do the same damn thing to themselves and almost die from it, and yet I came home and started doing the exact same thing. How the fuck does that happen?!

See? I have, quite literally, lost my damn mind.

I ate a whole pizza by myself last night (hence the title of this blog). I don’t know if it was because of how I felt physically this morning – extremely achy with a disgusting taste in my mouth – or if something has finally clicked in my mind, but I feel an overwhelming sense that enough is enough. If I don’t change my life, I am literally going to die. I will never have children, I will get large enough to subject my husband to a life of taking care of his morbidly obese wife, and I will die far before my time.

Will this feeling last? Who the hell knows. Will I succeed? God, I hope so. But I’ve said this how many times before and nothing has changed. Maybe I can only take it one day at a time – make a conscious decision not to buy a great big serving of laziness that day and choose instead to make a good choice for my body. It’s barely 2:30pm but I’ve already made a good start today by avoiding cow’s milk dairy and choosing water over soda. Hubby and I are also going to take our weekend walk around a nearby park this evening. Perhaps that has to be enough for now.

everlasting anomaly

This blog represents the musings of a 30-something marketing professional living in Melbourne, Australia. Having reached "uncharted waters" - where my biological clock is ticking just as loudly as my desire for a fulfilling career - I feel the need to create a legacy of sorts by recording this new chapter of my life. While I cannot promise to post with any scheduled regularity, my vow to you is to provide a frank account of my thoughts, dreams, struggles and observations of my environment and the people in it.