Notes: This is another long one guys, hope Joey and I haven't overstayed
our welcome. I'm already writing chapter 21 as I start to post. This is a
tough one to write for reasons that will become clear in about..4
paragraphs. Hope y'all don't hate what I did. Just saying. Also you NEED to
have read Fear to understand this, otherwise you'll be going 'Huh?' a lot.

Thanks: To a fabulous beta Adina (DCChick), a fabulous person, helpful beta
and humor co-author (not this fic, there is no humor to be found.well a
little, but not much). You rock girl, you cant even imagine. Dev and Meg..I
love you ladies. They held my hand when I almost file 13'ed this bad boy.
And they both put up with my never ending whining about this fic. They are
saints.

She looks down at the small piece of plastic and frowns. 'What did I do
wrong?' she thinks while chewing on her lower lip. Grabbing the directions
sitting next to her she reads them again, double-checking that she followed
the steps correctly. Panic starts to settle in. Her rational mind telling
her it's right, it can't be anything else, and it's a chemical reaction for
God's sake. The rest of her brain, however, says no, she must have done
something wrong; she can't have gotten this result.

"Its not rocket science, Sidle. Either its there or its not. If Grissom
could see you now, checking the directions over and over he would laugh."
she says aloud to no one, her voice reverberating in the small tiled room.

Abandoning her work, she walks into the kitchen and pulls the calendar off
the wall. Thinking hard, Sara flips the pages back, one, then two, then
three months. 'How? How could it possibly have been that long ago? How did
I not notice until now?' but promptly answers herself aloud.

"Harrington, stress. That's how. Oh my god." Sara leans against the counter
for support, unsure of what to think or what to do. It's not everyday you
find out you're pregnant. Staying in the denial stage a bit longer, Sara
walks back into the bathroom and looks again at the thin white stick. Two
lines. Two lines means pregnant. She picks up the stick like she would a
corrosive substance, as if handling it will cause her to become pregnant if
she's not already.

Going into her day planner, Sara flips through the pages until she finds
the number she needs. Picking up her cell phone off the coffee table, she
puts down the test and sighs. 'Can't hurt to call,' she reasons and dials
the number, getting an answer on the second ring.

"Associates in OB/GYN."

'Well, how do you start this conversation?' she wonders for a moment.
"Yeah, hi. I'm a patient there and well.I took a pregnancy test and it's
positive. There's no chance its...wrong.is there?"

Sara is stunned, the doctor's office was her last hope to find out she
isn't. "Uhhh.Sidle, Sara Sidle."

"Ok, Sara. Give me one minute."

Sara is put on hold, elevator music playing in the background, but she
barely hears it. All of her thoughts are jumbled and confused. She should
be happy, right? Or not, because she and Grissom had never really discussed
this? What is the correct emotion for this moment? She seems to touch on
every possible one in the two minutes she is on hold.

"Sara? Ok, when was your last period?"

"Ummm.Aug 20th, give or take, I don't really keep very good track."

Sara hears her typing in the background. "Ok, normally you come in at 8
weeks, but you are right now at.yikes, thirteen. So let's get you in as
soon as possible, you need to get on prenatals and talk to a doctor. We
have an opening tomorrow at noon, how's that?"

"Yeah, that's fine. Thanks." Now she's shaking. Tomorrow? She'll have to
tell Grissom today, which kind of takes away the option of pretending this
isn't happening.

"Ok, Sara. We will see you tomorrow at noon, the father is encouraged to
come. And congratulations again."

"Ok. Thank you."

She hangs up the phone and sets it carefully back on the table. Walking
around the coffee table, she sits heavily on the couch. Slowly, Sara looks
around the room: Grissom's living room; she still can't handle going back
to her own apartment for any length of time. Despite the fact she was
attacked here, the emotional response is still at her apartment, which she
can't understand. She had asked her therapist, Elizabeth about it one day,
during her infrequent sessions. Elizabeth explained Sara could distance
herself from Grissom's place psychologically, Sara perceived the violation
to be not of her, but of her things, which, for Sara is harder to deal
with. So her apartment, her things cause her to remember Harrington more
than Grissom's do.

Grissom, god. What will he think of this? Not once had the topic of
children come up, it had been too early in their relationship. Taking a
deep breath, Sara lays out on the couch, propping her head up with a pillow
she had forced Grissom to buy not so long ago. Watching the kitchen clock,
she counts down until Grissom will be home. Two hours, two hours for her to
sort this out. She doesn't have a choice about having it or not at this
point. Thirteen weeks is too far along to not have it.

Staring at her still flat abdomen, she takes the time to catalogue her
emotions: fear, a lot of fear, panic, is she capable of handling a baby, a
small person dependent on her. Besides, Sara can admit she isn't exactly
the motherly type, her job and personality see to that. Sara knows she is
still in the slow, painful process of recovering from Harrington. What kind
of toll will a pregnancy have on her? Physically she has recovered just
fine; last week the cast was removed from her arm and her lung has
completely healed. But pregnancy can bring with it emotional highs and
lows, and she still needs to see the psychologist every few weeks. Her
thoughts briefly turn to the few moments of hell when she considered
killing herself. Could that happen again? She knew some mothers had serious
depression with pregnancy.

'Good thing I haven't been taking those anti-depressants. God knows what
may have happened to the baby,' she thinks.

"Baby," she says the word aloud. It has an odd ring to it when she hears it
in her own voice. Biting her lower lip Sara tries to consider the good
things about having a baby, someone to help grow and guide and mold.
Someone who loves you unconditionally, someone to follow in her and
Grissom's footsteps: to be a scientist, to make a difference in the world.
Grinning now, she places one hand lightly over her stomach, imagining that
she can feel it.

Sara evaluates her reasons for never wanting a child. After considering and
dismissing several theories, she finally hits on the one that instinctively
she knows is correct: she had simply never found anyone with whom she
wanted to have a child, no one who could match her intelligence, dedication
and passion. But now she had found that person. Together they had created
something unbelievable, life. The scientist in her had to appreciate that
she is her own experiment. Suddenly the prospect of having a baby isn't as
scary.

Checking the time again, Sara sits up quickly; she has been sitting there
thinking for over an hour, and it is her turn to get breakfast ready. Sara
slices fruit; she is starting to come to terms with the idea of being
pregnant, the hard part is going to be telling Grissom.

Grissom opens the front door to a sight he never gets tired of. Sara,
standing at the counter, slicing fruit with the omelet pan heating behind
her. Every time it was her turn to cook breakfast she made omelets,
vegetarian for herself and turkey for him. He remembers the first time she
made them, only a week after Harrington attacked her in his house. Sara has
a bad rap for cooking, but a secret only he knows is that she makes a
killer omelet. That first taste of one was magnificent; he couldn't have
done better himself.

Hanging up his coat and placing his briefcase by the computer he walks into
the kitchen and wraps his arms around her waist. He watches as she slices
like a professional, each piece of fruit the same as the one before, her
long slim fingers working quickly and efficiently, getting the most out of
each movement. Kissing her temple, Grissom releases her and turns to wash
his hands, her silence is not unusual, but something seems off to him.
While rinsing the soap from his hands Grissom considers a thought he has
been having for the past week or so, something he isn't sure Sara will go
for. Sticking his tongue out, he purses his lips and decides to come right
out and say it. It will be easier that way, like ripping off a band aid.

"Sara, I've been thinking." He waits for the brunette to turn from her
preparations. When she doesn't, however, he lightly grasps her arms and
turns her. Even now he is mindful of how he touches her, not wanting to
trigger a memory. When he has her attention, Grissom starts again. "Sara,
I've been thinking, why don't you move in with me? Permanently."

He watches her face carefully and for one moment swears he sees the color
drain from it. When she doesn't answer for what seems like an eternity, he
quickly starts talking again.

"You spend all of your time here, you only go to your apartment to pick
stuff up." He stammers for a moment before speaking from the heart instead
of his rational brain. "I want you here, Sara. I want to share my life with
you, and that includes my personal space. I love having you here, this was
always a house to me, with you it's a home."

She smiles at him; it's a different smile than he has seen before. This one
has some kind of mystery to it. "Gris..oh wow. I.don't know what to say."

"How about a yes or no?" He is taunting her a bit.

"Sorry! I would love too." She is now grinning from ear to ear, exposing
the gap in her teeth he loves so much.

"Good, well, that was easier than I was expecting."

"What where you expecting? You're right, I never stay at my apartment, the
plant is here already. What else do I need?" Sara slides up to him and
wraps arms around his neck. Sara almost can't think, she had always known
they would be together, and this is just the next step.

"We don't have to stay here you know. It's big enough for the two of us
that's for sure, but we can move to a different place."

Sara swallows hard, she had almost forgotten about the secret she is
carrying. Finally what he asked he really sinks in. That he asked her to
live with him before she told him about the baby, calms Sara's now on edge
nerves. What makes her the most nervous is that for once she doesn't know
what Grissom will think. Usually she can anticipate his feelings; she knows
him better than she knows herself. Taking a deep breath Sara pulls away and
looks in his eyes, he is so happy right now she can see it in his eyes,
will what she tells him destroy that and what they have? Sara doubts that,
Grissom is a good man, a loving man, but a man ready to be a father at 46?
That she doesn't know.

'Damn it Sara, just spit it out. Like ripping off a band aid,' she tells
herself.

tbc........

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