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The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held in New York
Tuesday. The final round looked familiar. Just when things started
to get tense, the French poodle and the German shepherd refused to
do anything about the imminent threat of terriers.

The Academy Awards promised East Coast viewers on Tuesday
the Oscar telecast on March 23rd will end by midnight. Don't bet
on it. If Saddam Hussein wants the defense of Iraq to become a
quagmire he should hire Whoopi Goldberg to host the war.

France blocked NATO from giving defensive aid to Turkey
Monday and vowed to veto any Iraq war resolution. Their
willingness to stand and fight is legendary. The French Army
possesses the only tanks in the world equipped with back-up lights.

Osama bin Laden issued a sixteen minute message to the world
on audiotape Tuesday. It incited violence worldwide. When he
called for the killing of the unfaithful it was like telling every
trophy wife in Houston to warm up the Mercedes.

Osama bin Laden denounced Saddam Hussein as an infidel in
his audiotaped tirade Tuesday. However he urged all Muslims to
join the Iraqi regime to bring America to its knees. He doesn't
think the Homeland Security Department can do it alone.

Tom Ridge frightened the nation Monday with a bulletin
advising Americans to stock up on food for war. He recommended
using duct tape to seal homes against any chemical attack.
Eternal vigilance is the price of twenty-four hour cable news.

John Kerry announced Tuesday his prostate cancer surgery
won't stop him from running for president. Senator Bob Graham is
making fundraising calls for his presidential campaign while he
recuperates from heart surgery. The health care crisis is so bad
that people are running for president just for the medical coverage.

Bill Clinton applauded President Bush's $15 billion program
to stem the tide of AIDS in Africa. The world is officially upside
down. The number-one golfer is black, the number-one rap star is
white, and Bill Clinton is promoting safer sex.