Here's what mums really want for Mother's Day

Last night my four-year-old and I were snuggling in bed, her breath hot on my neck.

“Mummy,” she said sleepily. “What do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Smiling softly to myself, I pulled her in even closer and whispered, "You know what I’d love? To not have any of you near me, on me, touching me or talking to me. I just want to be left completely and utterly alone for the whole day – if not the whole weekend.”

Okay, I did not say that (I’ve been a mum long enough to know that “cuddles” is always the right answer).

'My Mother's Day wishes do not include breakfast in bed.' (Getty)
However, it got me thinking that if I had a chance to write my Mother’s Day wish list – much like my girls do as they eagerly await Santa’s visit – it would look nothing at all like the department store catalogues piling up in my mailbox, insisting mums all over the country are desperately for ugly, bulky jewellery, sweaty pyjama sets and sickly sweet perfume and body lotion sets.

Nope, if I had permission to be totally honest without fear of sending my husband and my daughters straight into therapy, my list of Mother’s Day wishes would look a little like this:

1) Absolutely no breakfast in bed. I don’t like breakfast the other 364 days of the year and I rarely eat it even at the table, so why would I suddenly be okay with having crumbs and tea spilt all over the covers I will then have to spend the afternoon washing, drying and ironing (disclaimer: I iron only the pillowcases)?

A large coffee would make me happy - but only if it comes at the correct point in the day (see next point).

'That's a no from me.' (Getty)

2) A decent sleep-in. I do not classify 8.30AM or 9AM a sleep-in. You know what is? 2PM. Before you come knocking on my door, ask yourself the following question:

“If the person in that room wasn’t in fact Mummy, but Keith Moon, would this an okay time to burst in with a happy, 'Rise and shine!’?”

3) Massages are always a great bet, but there is a caveat which needs to be applied here.

They cannot be the kind Daddy promises Mummy before swiftly moving into sexual assault territory within two minutes, and they cannot occur in a space where my children sit arguing in the waiting room for Mummy to ‘Hurry up and finish already’.

4) Lingerie is great – unless it looks like it belongs to sex worker who specialises in the budget sector. Here’s a hint: if a garment begins smoking or melting when put too close to the torch of a Smartphone, just say no and keep looking.

There's an art to the Mother's Day gift. (Getty)
5) Books about tough life situations are popular with mums, because they make parenting look relatively simply in comparison. Just remember that with the book comes the requirement to have some uninterrupted reading time. It’s part of the deal.

6) A shopping voucher and a whole day off to shop alone, free of the sounds of, “Mummy, I need to do a wee!” and, “But you never buy me anything… it’s not fair.”

I’m tired of telling my kids life’s not fair (which it isn’t) and I really don’t want to have to repeat myself on Mother’s Day.

7) A night alone in a hotel room. I don’t mean the kind of highway vista rooms where you’re likely to find bodies of previous squatters under the beds, but the kind that have big, fluffy robes and room service delivered in a large, silver dome.

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I’d also like to turn my phone off for the duration of my night/morning off without fear of recrimination when I return.

8) Any kind of homemade art my children have made. There really is nothing that makes a mother’s heart sing louder than a homemade card her children have made, or an art project they’ve dedicated to ‘The best mum in the world’.

9) A nice family meal but ONLY if nobody argues, complains about the food, cries or sings high-pitched Primary Proms choir songs at me throughout the meal. Basically, I would like a nice meal with somebody else’s family.

Nothing beats a homemade card. (Getty)
10) Cuddles. Because despite everything else I’ve written, the truth is that is all mothers want more than anything else.

Give me cuddles, but if you can’t find it in your heart, I’ll settle for that sleep-in instead.

PS: Okay, I know I’m being greedy but I would also like for my husband to finally be able to detect dust on flat surfaces; for extra-curricular activities to have driver services where kids are picked up and dropped off again; for just one dinner where I don’t have to get up constantly to get something somebody has forgotten; the ability to listen to Pennywise in the car at the volume of my choice; the option to watch whatever I want on Netflix for more than one episode without hearing, “MUUUUM, but it’s MY turn!” and anything diamond (if only because I’m being totally honest).