martes, diciembre 20, 2005

Crimbo Town

Well, actually, it's not particularly merry. As you may have noticed, my elves are on strike, and are staging a violent protest at the toy factory. I guess that means I'm gonna have to make all of the toys myself this year.

My skills are pretty rusty, (and I'm sort of drunk, actually,) but I still remember how to make a thing or two. Bring me some parts from the factory, and we'll see what I can do.

Make Some Toys:

You have:

I can't remember how to make anything with the items you have collected.

Welcome to the Crimbo Cafe! We're having a bit of a ho-ho-horrible time here in Crimbotown, what with the factory elves on strike and all. But we're still serving festive holiday food, even to those stupid elves. What's your poison?

Crimbotails

eggnogtini (50 Meat)This is a delicious mix of eggnog, vodka, and sour apple schnapps (for some reason). No, seriously, it's delicious. Trust me. Even though a delicious mix of eggnog and anything, even eggnog, is fairly unlikely.

candycaine (75 Meat)This is a mix of 100-proof peppermint schnapps and 100-proof cinnamon schnapps. In other words, it's like mouthwash on steroids.

braincracker sweet (100 Meat)This drink mixes grenadine, corn syrup, pure cane sugar, and various hi-octane spirits. It's rumored that drinking one of these makes visions of sugarplums put on a burlesque show in your head.

Crimbo Entrees

gumdrop chow mein (50 Meat)This is a tasty chow mein dish, only instead of chow mein noodles, it has licorice whips. And instead of meatballs, it has gumdrops (which were probably stolen from a freakish talking cookie). So it's really nothing like chow mein and a lot like a bowl of warm candy.

candy cane pizza (75 Meat)This is a round chocolate disc topped with caramel sauce and powdered candy canes. Elves eat stuff like this all the time. And you wonder why they secretly want to be dentists?

gingerbread stir-fry (100 Meat)This is a bunch of gingerbread cookies, gingersnaps, and black licorice, cut up and stir-fried in a festive holiday wok. Looks like the chef was wokkin' in a winter wonderland, as it were. Please don't throw up. Or anything at me.

As you near the factory, you encounter a huge reindeer with a bright red nose, delivering a rousing speech to a group of protesting elves. You listen for a while.

It becomes clear to you that this reindeer only sees the world in two colors -- red and pink. He believes that Uncle Crimbo is a bourgoise oppressor, and that the elfretariat need to rise and free themselves from their chains. The fact that those chains are made of brightly-colored paper does not dissuade him at all. He fights for the rights of oppressed elves everywhere. All of the other reindeer laugh and call him names, but that does not dissuade him.

After his speech, he approaches you. "Rudolph the Red knows reign, dear. The reign of terror being perpetrated by the mindless drones of Uncle Crimbo. Will you take up arms with us?"

You size him up, and the size you arrive at is much larger than you. "Uhh... yes?" you say. He smiles and hands you a sign.

Happy is possibly the most disturbing of Uncle Crimbo's eight tiny reindeer. He can gore an elf with his fearsome antlers without losing the smile on his face. When they aren't pulling his Bitchin' Meatcar on Crimbo, they work as enforcers and security for the whole Crimbo operation. Uncle Crimbo sent them in to combat the striking elves, and since you're carrying a protest sign, you're a target.

You get the jump on him.

Combat!

You're fighting Doc, the Reindeer

Some say that 'Doc' isn't a particularly threatening name for a thug, reindeer or no. Those people are absolutely right, but Doc more than makes up for his lame moniker with the level of violence he brings to Crimbotown. When they aren't pulling Uncle Crimbo's Bitchin' Meatcar on Crimbo, the reindeer work as enforcers and security for the whole Crimbo operation. Uncle Crimbo sent them in to combat the striking elves, and since you're carrying a protest sign, you're a target.