Archive for April 2009

WASHINGTON – The Department of Commerce has announced that the number of so-called “garage banks” is at its highest number in years. The report noted that high unemployment and billions of dollars in government bailout money seem to be fueling the phenomena.

“We’ve got a pretty good thing going here,” said Steve Jenkins a laid off construction worker who is now President of Jenkins First National Bank. “The government funding has given us the liquidity to extend credit to local businesses and also a new hot tub for my back yard,” he said.

Watchdog groups say the growing trend of home grown banks is disturbing. “These banks are swindling taxpayers in broad daylight with very little oversight, in fact if this trend continues I may consider joining them,” said Frank Celliogan, an industry analyst, who was also laid off by a prominent watchdog group.

HAINESVILLE – According to eye witnesses an area man was rescued today from an Olympic sized water bed near his home.

Russell Davidson, 32, was found flailing in the middle of a giant water mattress by passersby sometime around 1pm. Coast Guard helicopters were dispatched soon after, plucking Davidson from the bed and transporting him to a nearby hospital.

“I heard yelling coming from a curiously large water bed and saw Russell stranded in the middle,” said Beth Hailey who witnessed the incident. “He should have known not to walk alone across a ginormous water bed. He should have used the buddy system,” she said.

Coast Guard officials said Davidson was resting comfortably tonight after complaining of nausea and an extremely sore back.