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are
hauntingly similar?

Both require identical preparations and it’s all about wear and where.

Wear?

Dressing – or selecting a costume- for Trick or Treating on Halloween and for that all-important first date requires an inordinate amount of time. You want to look good and make a statement. You forage through closets and drawers to select the right thing to wear. Women often aim for hauntingly beautiful or the girl-next-door costume. Good advice for guys is to appear like more like a superhero, less like a monster.

Where?

Deciding where to go Trick or Treating or for a first date requires that you carefully plan and plot. Both parties agree to meeting in a safe, well lighted neighborhood. You naturally avoid ‘dark and spooky,’ at all costs. You agree upon the perfect witching hour. Your spirits are up, and it’s time! The scariest thing that can happen? You don’t look like your picture. One of you is spooky, kooky or creepy. Your costume is all-wrong. At the end of the night, you want to think, “Sweet!” You don’t want to walk away thinking, “What a witch,” or “What a monster,” and return home empty handed.

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at Page.Larkin@gmail.com. Don’t miss a single Page Larkin column- click the Subscribe button at the top of the page.

Fact or Fiction? Women are merely strolling the aisles, window-shopping on Match.com looking for Prince Charming?

Dear Page Larkin, There is more window-shopping than anything else online. Seems like most women are not truly interested in meeting anyone. Frustrated in Fremont

Chad, (64, dedicated dad, well-travelled executive) dabbled in Match.com two years ago. He met a handful of interesting women – and something happened with each relationship: her kids were in crisis – he had to travel for months at a time with his job- life happened. He said he had a “pretty good” experience.

He gave up on Match.com for a while and just got ‘Back in the game,’ excited about the prospect of meeting somebody new. It had happened before.

Within two weeks, he said felt like women were window-shopping. Over 250 women looked at his profile. Not one woman extended a greeting –commented on photos- or dropped a note.

He admits, he did hear from 12 women who found him attractive- he didn’t find them attractive, and and he did not respond to their e-mails.

(Note: Big points taken off for etiquette/ lack thereof- not responding. Bad Form.)

And, he said there was no way he would respond to a “ Wink.” Like many, he was of the opinion that if you couldn’t put five words together to make a sentence -he wasn’t going to respond.

There are too many horror stories about rude online dating behavior

Feeling clueless? Need to brush up on your dating etiquette? Take a hint:

Page Larkin’s Top 5 Online Dating Etiquette Tips:

1.) Respond, sil vous plait or, You talkin to me? The biggest complaint heard from online daters is about the lack of response. Hey kids, here’s the rule: if somebody takes the time to drop you a polite email of interest – you have a responsibility to answer back. (Note: If the message is wacky, bizarre or peculiar- or the person sending it appears to be all of the above, you need not reply- simply delete and move on.)

However, new dater, if you receive an email from someone – okay, maybe not your ideal mate – maybe not even close – but he or she took the time to write. Your job? Write back. Not a tome – not a poem – a simple message along the lines of, “Thanks, we are not a match – good luck in your pursuits.” That’s all. Simple and sweet.

2.) Behave…Can You Please Say, Thank You? The men have spoken and complain loudly and frequently that some women barely utter a “Thanks” after a date. Hello, ladies? Are you Ms Manners or missed manners?

3.) Hit-and-Run Knowing full well that online dating is truly a numbers game, (See Catch and Release in the Coy pond) there are some who send out a dozen “winks” every day.

What is a wink?A wink is the lowest form of online social connection. It requires little time or effort. It involves the wannabe dater to click a tiny icon, which sends a message to the recipient, indicating absolutely no effort made. How popular is a wink? Many online dating profiles start with, “No winks, please.” Translated: “Come on, and make the effort to write at least one cogent sentence.”

4.) Talk, Talk, Talk – The Biggest Buzz-kill. Okay, so you are fascinating and you don’t mind telling everyone. The non-stop talker is the biggest buzz-kill on a first date? Yes, it is okay to be nervous. It’s okay to be chatty. It’s a mortal sin to blather on and neglect asking questions. Save the monologue for a Stand-Up Routine.

5.) The Houdini Disappearing Act: Pouf! They are gone. So you‘ve exchanged a half-dozen emails – you share many of the same “likes,” and seem to have a little chemistry- and boom! They are gone. Not a word: text-email-note-nada.

What’s up with that? Did their spouse find them playing on the computer – with you? You wonder if the other person is a player? Or just plain rude. If, at any juncture, the chemistry isn’t there – politely bow out of the conversation with a well meaning, “Thanks for the conversation, enjoyed it and wish you all the best.”

Can’t we all just get along? Be nice. According to Greater Good in Berkeley – being kind –(polite) – will make you happy.

“Be polite; write diplomatically; even in a declaration of war one observes the rules of politeness.” Otto Von Bismarck

When Kathy and I started dating, ((she’s 65, I’m 70) she was romantic and spontaneous. Four years later, she is less available. We only see each other on weekends due to distance and driving. She claims she’s tired of the driving. I call the 18 miles from my house to her apartment “our 18-mile hallway.” She used to think that was romantic. Now, she wants to move into my house. I cherish my man-cave and don’t wish a full-time roommate.

Henry VIII

Dear Henry VIII

Fish or cut bait. Kathy’s lack of luster may be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to take it up a notch. I imagine, at 65 she may be planning for the future and thinking your interest is waning with your dead end weekend-only arrangements.

Peace, Page

Dear Page,

I met a great guy online (retired SF Fireman, divorced twice.) We took it very slow. We have both been hurt and have six adult kids between us. Our on-and-off again relationship took a turn for the better after he received an inheritance and could pay off all his debts. Flush, he moved in with me, redecorated my kitchen, the master bath, and transferred my pathetic garden to Sunset magazine cover. Then he got bored and started playing golf with the boys and having drinks.

My home is beautiful and empty. And he has virtually disappeared. My friends say, “Toss the bum out.” I ’m thinking about going online just to look for other single men. Good idea?

Sunset Years

Dear Sunset Years

Close one door before you open another. Talk to the simmering firemen and tell him your feelings about six-hour golf games and drinks thereafter. Do you miss him? Tell him. This is your call: want to be a classic ‘Golf Widow’ or “in the game?”

Carpe diem, Page

Page Larkin,

I just met Johnny-a great guy by all accounts, except for one. While he says he’s divorced, he still lives with his ex and may share the same bed. He says it’s a very small apartment and a foldout bed in the living room is lumpy. Should I be worried?

No Bed bugs

Dear No Bed-bugs

Hmm, where else could Johnny possibly sleep? Think: a cot, an air mattress, the couch, in Air B&B, a guestroom, a sleeping bag. I would say Johnny lacks initiative and you should lack interest. Move on, girlfriend. You can do better.

Moving on, Page

Ms. Larkin,

My randy and retired neighbor, Stan, trolls Craigslist every day in hopes of a “nooner.” His wife is a nurse – works a classic 12-hour shift- and he invites women into his house for casual sex. How do I know this? He told me. Should I tell his wife?

Good neighbor Sam

Dear Good neighbor Sam,

This is classic: NOYB. While you think you would be helping – this is none of your business. Pay attention to your own wife, life and commitments.

Peace, Page

Hello, Page,

Since when did everyone start kissing and holding hands on the first date? I met three different men, three different nights, for drinks downtown last week. After the second drink, they all became very lovey-dovey.

My dad, “56,” has been divorced and single for 20 years. He just announced that he wants to get married again. He has turned into a dating machine. He goes out with a different woman three nights a week. The money he spends on dinners, drinks and flowers, etc. could buy me a condo.

He left his computer on and I looked at his dating profile. He claims to be 46, a runner, a movie buff, gym rat. He is not seen a gym or run a mile since high school. Shall I tell him to smarten up?

Sonny

Dear Sonny,

NOYB: What your dear old dad does is none of your business. And, you are snooping and sneaky to read his private material. I’m sure you’d expect the same respect. Wish him well- it’s his romantic research.

Peace, Page

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain

Sweetie, tough cookies don’t do well in the dating game

Six men met in the back room at Bix on Gold Alley to debrief about their old divorces and new dating dilemmas.

The ground rules were simple: No names, No bashing.

It was just six suddenly single guys around age 50/60 who had too many nightmares and not enough dream dates –and they wanted to “share.” We met for 90 minutes. Their biggest complaint was that women today are less than polite – they are rude.

Mike D. said he keeps running into women who lack simple social graces. He admits to being ‘old school” and holds a door open for a woman, opens a car door, says “ Please and thank you.” However, he thinks the women he meets online are abrupt, rude and bossy. The other men nodded, in agreement.

He was the first to opine that after a dinner (expensive) many woman fail to say, “Thank you.” Rather, he has heard on more than one occasion, “We don’t have chemistry. Taxi!”

Ladies, an appropriate comment after a date is, “Thank you.”

(Thank you for a (choose one) wonderful/interesting/ good date– I enjoyed getting to know you” … is also appropriate.)

Conversely, if a date goes bad and you are uncomfortable or troubled by your date’s behavior (rude, rage, vulgar, a troglodyte) – use these two words: “Check, please!”

John K. said a woman on Match.com contacted him and said ‘Call me.’ He called – it sounded like she was in the car- in commute traffic and obviously distracted. Within two minutes, she said, “Let’s meet tomorrow at 6 pm at the hotel bar.” He moved appointments and made it on time. They met and within five minutes she said, “There is no chemistry here.” And she walked out of the café. All the guys agreed: he dodged a bullet.

The Girls

Kendra is a client who works downtown in a male-dominated profession. She admits she has become more aggressive just to stay on top of the game. She’s been told that she is both brassy and bold by some of her dates. She says she has tried to tone it down. She is till working on it.

Gail works in the District Attorney’s office. Her first husband used to tell her to ‘Lose the claws and tuck in her fangs.’ before she came home from work. Her second has husband recently made comments to the same effect. She admits she has become one very tough cookie. Her closest friends readily agree.

Tough cookies don’t do well in the dating game – generally speaking.

Howard A. (52, Ph.D., poet, runner) said he took an attractive woman (55, teacher, swimmer) to dinner at Epic Roadhouse and thought they were having a nice time. The chatted amiably, liked many of the same things, and after dessert she said, “I have to get back to my son. ”Which was a bizarre way to end a date. Her son is 25. Later that evening she sent Howard A. an e-mail indicating she couldn’t date a man who didn’t have children. Really?

NOTE: Girls and boys, “winking” on Match.com is the lowest form of flirtation. Don’t do it. Take the 60-seconds it takes to pen a one-liner.

And please don’t say you are ‘Super shy and can’t write.’ Get in the game- make an effort. This is the dating game where you have to extend yourself to meet somebody. Standing by the sidelines and hoping to be noticed is not the way to get involved.

Helene of Troy writes in her profile “I’m a very shy person- if I look at your profile that means I might like you. Please be in touch with me.” Hey, Helene, get real. Extend a little energy and get in the game.

The First Three Rules of Dating

#1. Always say ‘Thank you.’

#2 First Date: offer to pay your half. At a meal-offer to pay for the drinks or the dessert- don’t assume the man is going to pick up the tab.

#3. Respond sol vous plait…RSVP If an individual has gone to the trouble of sending you and-mail, the courteous thing to do (even if the person is not your liking) is to respond. Thank the person for the correspondence and either go forward or say, “Thanks, we are not a match – good luck.”

Rants for Romance?

Singles speak out

Dear Page,I am 52, divorced for six years, and new to online dating. I did everything you said (posted a recent photo, wrote my profile, and enrolled in two different dating sites) and all I get are “winks.”

You said winks at the lowest form of communication, you’re right! Tell men everywhere women hate winks. Don’t send me a stupid icon without a single word – to me that means you can even write a sentence – it means I am just one of 30 women you’re casting about hoping to a hook a sucker.My advice: just write one lousy sentence; there, I feel better!Linda in Las Vegas

Dear Linda in Las Vegas,Thanks for voicing the opinion of many of us. Every week, I get tweets, texts, and lengthy e-mails echoing your same sentiment. Point well taken.

Dear Page Larkin,I met a wonderful guy on Eharmony two months ago. We exchanged e-mails for two weeks before he agreed to speak on the phone to confirm our coffee date. Before our date, I Googled him and found him to be “as advertised.” We met at the Ferry Building, walked around for an hour and took the Sausalito ferry. We had lunch, split the bill; we walked and talked for two more hours and returned to SF. He kissed me goodbye and I never heard from him again. I e-mailed him once, no response.Was it me?Down and Out in Danville

Dear Down and out in Danville,You failed to mention if there was chemistry, heat, or mutual attraction. Manners dictate that a person thank the other for the date – there is an unwritten “law” that – after a first date- two people make plans for future date or bow out, with a polite “It was nice meeting you, we are not at match.”Move on – it wasn’t meant to be.Peace and love, Page

Hey, Larkin,I sent out 25 e-mails on Chemistry.com and not one woman responded.My message was cute and flirty and I thought it was really good. What’s up with women today? Is everyone stuck up?Ronnie in the Marina

Hey Ronnie in the MarinaRemember: spell check is your best friend. Take the time to write a message that is coherent, interesting, and logical. Sometimes our efforts to be clever and sarcastic can be misconstrued. Try, try again.Peace and love, Page

Dear Page,My feelings are hurt. I enthusiastically signed up for the Match.com seven-day free trial. No one writes back to me! I am a Georgia peach: 56, 5’6. athletic, smart, cute and fun. I sent out 30 “winks” to all the cutest guys within 50-miles of Atlanta. Not one man responded. Help!Ashley at Tara

Dear Ashley at Tara,Good for you for getting out there and trying.Let’s recalibrate: erase all thoughts of “winking” at men. (See above) It’s a lost cause looked down upon by thousands.First, create a short introduction linking you to an attractive man: “I enjoyed reading your profile; especially the comment about… We both like… Please read my profile and if anything resonates, please get back to me. Thanks.”Try that approach – as opposed to winking. Wait and see- how it works, do get back to me and report. Read : How Rude! Good luck, Page

Heard horror stories about rude online dating behavior?

Page Larkin’s Top 5 Online Dating Etiquette Tips:

1.) Respond, sil vous plait or You talkin to me?

The biggest complaint heard from online daters is about the lack of response. Hey kids, here’s the rule: if somebody takes the time to drop you a polite note of interest – you have a responsibility to answer back. (Note: If the message is wacky, bizarre or peculiar- or the person sending it appears to be all of the above, you need not reply- simply delete and move on.) However, new dater, if you receive an email from someone – okay, maybe not your ideal mate – maybe not even close – but he or she took the time to write you a note. Your job? Write back. Not a tome – not a poem – a simple message along the lines of, “Thanks, we are not a match – good luck in your pursuits.” That’s all. Simple and sweet.

2.) Can You Please Say Thank You? The men have spoken and complain loudly some women barely utter a “thanks” after a date. Hello, ladies? Are you Ms Manners or missed manners?

3.) Hit-and-Run Knowing full well that online dating is truly a numbers game, (See Catch and Release in the Coy pond) there are some who send out a dozen “winks” every day. What is a wink? A wink is the lowest form of online social connection. It requires little time or effort. It involves the wannabe dater to click a tiny icon, which sends a message to the recipient, indicating absolutely no effort made. How popular is a wink? Many online dating profiles start with, “No winks, please.” Translated: “Come on, and make the effort to write at least one cogent sentence.”

4.) Talk, Talk, Talk
Okay, so you are fascinating and you don’t mind telling everyone. One of the biggest buzz kills on a first date? The non-stop talker. It’s okay to be nervous. It’s okay to be chatty. It’s a mortal sin to blather on and neglect asking questions. Save the monologue for a Stand-Up routine.

5.) The Houdini Disappearing Act
So you‘ve exchanged a half dozen emails – share many of the same “likes”, seem to have a little chemistry- and boom! They are gone.

Not a word: text-email-nada. What’s up with that? Are they players? Fakes? Voyeurs? Or just plain rude? If, at any juncture, the chemistry isn’t there – politely bow out of the conversation with a well meaning, “Thanks for the conversation, enjoyed it and wish you all the best.” Yes, that’s a lot better than nothing.

Can’t we all just get along? Be nice. According to Greater Good in Berkeley – being kind –(polite) – will make you happy.

Be polite; write diplomatically; even in a declaration of war one observes the rules of politeness. Otto Von Bismarck

Love, hope, and optimism – in 2013 – Are you resolved?

New Resolutions are a good thing and January is the best time for making new friends, dates, and acquaintances.

Get in the game. You’re not get meet anyone sitting on the couch.

Get up. Get out and get the New Year on.

Carbon Dating- Speed Dating- Blind Dating

Twenty 12: Try a new Internet dating site; join a walking, running, hiking, biking group or take up badminton, Pilates, ping-pong, spelunking or even skydiving.

Remember, “NEW” is good.

In January, gyms are rabid about enrollment and have super-special-offers and promotions. Shop for a great deal and read the fine print. See Meetup.com and Urban Diversion for a huge repertory of very diverse, fun events, groups, and venues.

Over-achieving Not Required – It’s not necessary to leap tall buildings in a single bound. In Twenty 12 resolve to meet new people and get in the dating game. It will be a lot easier if you push away from the mouse in your house, cut back on texting, unplug you ear phones and engage. Talk to people. Smile. Look people in the eye. Flirt, already.

In Twenty 12 Resolve: to join in the human race, at your own pace. Its a brand New Year – full of possibilities. Here’s a novel idea: converse with people rather than texting, “friend-ing” or merely emailing.

How many people – men and women- do you say ‘hey’ to everyday? Starting today: multiply that number by 2. Double dare you.

Save the art of conversation.

“A conversation goes sometimes into personal things and that’s nicer. You look to each other and you have a different picture, you get into a relationship.”Max. Schnell

A new calendar year means all those little white squares are opportunities for fun and new beginnings. Join me, and the legions who believe Twenty 12 is going to be a New Year with promise and potential.

Attitude of Gratitude, I’ve got it.

A special note of gratitude to all of you who have been so supportive with entertaining notes, quips, emails, poignant secrets and hot tips this past year.

Top Ten Dating Rules for Girls Over 50

The coterie subscribes to the “Life is short, kick up your heels” philosophy. On the precipice of hitting 50 – with gusto – they created their very own ‘Un-bucket list’

Through the decades, the friends have been through the highest highs and the lowest lows. Cherie B, their scribe, writes: “At times, life was like heaven (weddings, babies, careers, white picket fences, celebrations) and like hell (teenagers, parents dying, and making ex-husbands).”

The 10 women who met as coeds at UCLA have gracefully blossomed into women. At their big 5-0 celebration, they decided to kick up their heels at their favorite restaurant, Aziza and finish the night at Zero-Zero.

Statistics: Some Suddenly Single – Their Creed

As fate would have it, six of the women are single and blithely swimming in, or hanging around, the dating pool. After their celebration with champagne and exquisite pink cupcakes, punctuated with storytelling and paroxysms of laughter, the women compiled their own

Top Ten “Dating Rules at 50” Rules List

‘Life is Short and I Won’t Settle List”

1. I won’t sit by the phone or the computer waiting for a man to reach out. I will be proactive and flirt – early and often.

2. I won’t respond to a man who sends me a photo of him hiding and enshrouded in a hat and sunglasses.

3. I won’t be impressed with anyone who sends a canned greeting (Hello Angel, does God know you left heaven?)

4. I won’t meet anyone for a date in a parking lot, a bowling alley, or the Indy 500.

5. I won’t kiss and tell, but I might kiss again. And, again.

6. I won’t hesitate to delete grumps, grouches, less than honest forthright people from my life.

7. I won’t waste time with people who see the glass as chipped, broken or empty.

8. I won’t miss the opportunity for a hug or a kiss. Holding hands is a priority.

9. I promise I won’t wear Crocs, Uggs, Sweats, fanny-packs, Lanz nighties, shoulder pads, granny glasses or acid wash jeans. And, I won’t date a guy with a proclivity for all of the above.

10. I won’t let anyone rain on my parade. Life is a cabaret. I will sing and dance like my hair is on fire.

The robust “49-ers” default to laughing, sharing, and supporting one another. Thirty years ago they were new at the dating game- and here they go again – back in the dating saddle. Ride on, girls. Happy Birthday.

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.” Robert Frost