Three classes to make you a better fire eater person in 2012

Because you're never going to keep that New Year's resolution to "be nice to old people", why not tackle something that won't break a brittle, calcium-lacking hip at Artisan's Asylum: Union Sqr's new craft studio/ makerspace/ "place to learn really weird sh*t", which is rocking a full repertoire of life-enriching classes designed to help you be so damn impressive, the bouncers at Jose Mac's will only charge you cover half the time.

Three to kickstart the New Year:

Class: Fire Eating & FleshingWho Should Enroll: People that're tired of eating not-fire, the Human Torch, whoever produced the Lil Wayne track "Fireman"What It Is: This four-week instructional teaches the basics of "contact fire" (aka, fleshing!!!), including the proper tools/ fuels to use, body prep for sticking a giant flaming skewer in your mouth, and, depending on how quick a study you are, "more advanced vapor tricks" that even Vicks hasn't thought of.

Class: Hovercraft DesignWho Should Enroll: Science enthusiasts, and Channing Tatum from GI JoeWhat It Is: A weekend-long challenge, in which teams of four compete to build a remote-controlled craft using nothing more than an old VHS tape of Moonraker foam-sculpting basics (...and a kit full of electric motors, propellers, and batteries), and then race on a massive track built in a neighboring warehouse.

Class: How To Make Video Game MusicWho Should Enroll: Awesome people, and anyone who lives in their parents' basement and has Spy Hunter as their ring tone, so... awesome peopleWhat It Is: This bring-your-own-headphones five-weeker runs through the how-to's of producing/ composing the music commonly found in arcade games that're 8-bit, even if all those stupid old people you've been mean to will just refer to it as two-bit, no matter what.

Because you're never going to keep that New Year's resolution to "be nice to old people", why not tackle something that won't break a brittle, calcium-lacking hip at Artisan's Asylum: Union Sqr's new craft studio/ makerspace/ "place to learn really weird sh*t", which is rocking a full repertoire of life-enriching classes designed to help you be so damn impressive, the bouncers at Jose Mac's will only charge you cover half the time.