“It’s Over!” The Top Survival Tips for Getting Over a Rough Breakup

If you’ve been to the site before, you might’ve already read some of the articles I’ve written and you know that I’m kind of a big deal when it comes to getting over a breakup.

But for those of you who haven’t visited the site before, I’m Ashley, and I’m Head of Content Development here at ExGirlfriendRecovery.

While Chris, our fearless leader here at the site, generally writes about recovery in the sense of getting a relationship back, my focus generally leans towards recovery in a healing sense. As my friends like to say, I’m the Queen of “Get Over It,” where “it” can be just about anything.

They aren’t wrong. And I love to help people find new ways to deal with the loss of a relationship, no matter how they found themselves in this position.

So, if you are ready to get on with life and move past it, then let’s go ahead and jump right in.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to post some video where I just scream “Get Over IT!” a hundred times Shia Lebeouf style.

Do You Even Have a Chance of Getting Your Ex Back? Find out in 2 Minutes...

I tend to lean more towards personal experience and things I’ve learned from studying psychology and working with each of you.

That being said I need to tell you about a trip I went on many years ago.

We had gotten a group of friends together to go on one of those survival hiking trips where you find out if you can make it in the wild. We were only allowed to take what could fit in a couple of backpacks and had to follow strict guidelines as to what we could bring with us. I’m pretty sure it only lasted for a week, but it felt like a lifetime. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do.

For someone who wears contacts, takes vitamins, and is used to having coffee more than twice a day… (okay, maybe three times…), it was a pretty tough adjustment.

Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t helpless. I was in the girl scouts, and I had read quite a few survival guides throughout my childhood due to a weird fascination with zombie movies. We had quite a few “If there was a Zombie Apocalypse who would you team up with?” conversations even as adults.

You know you’ve thought about it.

But I’m no Bear Gryllis.

I enjoy indoor plumbing, espresso, and electronics too much to stay in the wilderness for long.

For the record, hunting is NOT my forte either. I pretty much lived on berries, fish, and granola the whole time because I couldn’t bring myself to kill the bunny I caught. Looking back, I’m shocked I didn’t wind up with a pet rabbit.

Anyways, what I’m getting at is that, even though we don’t always have the knowledge or the skills to accomplish exactly what we aim to accomplish, we each have that survival instinct that helps us press on.

I suppose I might as well go ahead and tell you that I got lost… twice. And I wound up spending two nights on my own. I’ll be honest, that first night by myself was probably the most terrifying thing ever. I mean, I was a college kid. I had barely left my hometown and here I was in the middle of the woods on the outskirts of a town several hundred miles from the area I was used to with no protection aside from a little Kershaw pocket knife. I didn’t sleep a wink that night. Fortunately, my group of friends were looking for me as well. So, with all of our efforts we somehow found our way back to the main camp after two nights of wandering aimlessly.

To be honest, I felt pretty helpless at first. And isn’t that how it goes when something doesn’t go as planned?

It’s not just with camping either. I have witnessed so many people that feel like their world is ending and crumbling around them after they lose a relationship.

I know that feeling.

I’ve been there, trying to find my way back to normalcy after a breakup.

Several months after the camping trip, I found myself sitting on the edge of my best friend’s bathtub, wrapped in a towel, bawling my eyes out because my, suddenly, ex-boyfriend didn’t even give me the courtesy of dumping me before he started dating someone new. I am pretty sure my friends, coworkers, and even distant relatives knew I was single before I did. It was not only the worst heartache I had felt up until that point, but I also found myself feeling like a chump, humiliated.

I was just a kid back then, and I found myself doing all of the wrong things. I spent a lot of time crying over the situation and trying to worm my way back into his life by any means necessary. It didn’t help that the girl was a good friend of mine too AND we all worked together. I was a wreck, and I was convinced that my entire world was just going to stop right there. I felt like there was no way to recover from the heartache I was feeling.

Boy, was I wrong.

If I could go back in time and hand myself a backpack full of everything I could possibly need to make it through those moments, I would pack as much of what I’ve learned over the years, from other breakups, situations my friends have been in, things I’ve learned from Chris, and the things I pick up learning from each of your situations. It would be a survival kit of sorts.

Since I can’t pull a Marty McFly and go back and mess with the space time continuum, I think I’ll just share them with you. At least some one can learn from the mistakes we’ve all made.

Firstly, what is the worst part about trying to get over a breakup?

This should be an easy question to answer if you’ve spent any time reading any of our other articles on the site.

Give up?

It’s leaving them the heck alone!

That’s where we’ll start.

Drop Contact

This means no texting. No calling. No showing up at their favorite coffee shop all stalker-like. You’re going cold turkey. Don’t even try and get your crap back unless it’s something you CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT.

I you got used to having someone around to talk to constantly. And texting has become almost habitual when we see something that reminds us of someone. Heck, I get messages from exes in the middle of the night of random memes that say, “made me think of you.” From some of them, who have established a somewhat normal friendship, it’s not so weird. However, if it’s only been a couple of weeks or I KNOW they still have feelings for me, it’s not so endearing.

Trust me when I say this. If you are having trouble getting over her, EVERYTHING is going to make you think of her. Do not fall prey to thinking that she’ll appreciate you texting her anytime she crosses your mind. If she broke up with you, she’ll see it as annoying and desperate. If you broke up with her, she’ll think you want to get back together. Continuously texting a girl you don’t want to date that you just broke up with, isn’t just ill-advised, it’s kind cruel.

She may have dumped you and you may feel like you need answers. Trust me when I tell you this. There is nothing she can say that will make being dumped feel good. It’s going to suck no matter what.

So, if you are wanting to move on, you really have to set some solid guidelines for at least the first couple of months or so after the breakup. If you feel like you might want to try and reestablish a friendship later, then do that when the time comes. But, if you really and truly want to get over the breakup, you have to draw a line in the sand for yourself and have the will power to keep it.

Surrogate Texter

A lot of my friends that have admittedly had a hard time dealing with not being able to stay in contact with their ex. In fact, I’ve made a deal with several of the people in my life. If they suddenly had the urge to reach out to their ex, they could text me instead.

It’s undeniable, this has made for some odd situations, especially in the beginning. One of the first guys I let substitute text me thought they he needed to send me what he was going to send their ex. So, I kept getting late night messages that said, “ I can’t stop thinking about you” or “my bed is cold, I wish you were here lying next to me.” We had a sibling-like friendship, so that was… uncomfortable, to say the least. I finally told him that I was more there for support, so he should message me so I could just distract him with regular conversation till the urge to talk to here passed. It was decided that a simple SOS would suffice. He would message me a quick little distress call and I’d just talk to him about random stuff till the urge to text her subsided. Usually, the situation was remedied quite quickly.

Although, I once spent half of a date on a phone call on the balcony of a fancy restaurant talking another friend down from that metaphorical no contact ledge.

Don’t worry, I had already decided the date wasn’t going well anyways. He was more interested in the game on the TV in the bar. So, it wasn’t just because I was an incredibly awesome friend ( although I am). Find yourself one of your close friends that you trust, that has a lot of patience. Because they’ll have to talk you off of that ledge several times, I’m sure. Or if you are blessed with a few good friends that are qualified with ample patience, you might enlist several friends that you can rely on to talk you through it, so you don’t drive anyone mad.

So, find yourself someone, or a couple of someones, that you can trust to talk you down from that ledge over and over again until you embrace the will power to do so yourself.

Take Back Your Power

The English philosopher Bertrand Russell likened the relation of power to relationships to the way energy was an integral part of physics. Power is the foundation on which relationships are built, just like physics is constantly effected by energy. If the power is unevenly balanced between the two people, then the relationship itself is not stable.

So how do you take back that feeling of control after a relationship crumbles?

You take this moment find yourself.

Decide who you were, who you are, and who you want to be.

So often in relationships, it is easy to get so caught up in being a “we” that we forget that we are still a “me”.

The difficult part here is determining whether the values you think you have are yours, or if you have chosen values you think you SHOULD have.

Look at what drives you and what gives you focus. What makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning.

Fight the Need to Please – You can’t please everyone. The urge to do so can be a difficult habit to break. Learn to say no to things that aren’t in your best interest.

Look at it this way. Everything you do changes the course of your life, even the slightest nudge. Do you want to be in the driver’s seat? Or are you going to let someone else determine it?

Set reminders for yourself that remind you to consider the outcome when making choices. I have a ring that I wear that I swap around on my fingers a lot to keep it from being totally comfortable, that wat I am always aware of its presence. Every time I make a decision, big or small, I ask myself, “How does this benefit me?”

I know it sounds selfish, but in the course of our lives I find that most people ask, “How will this affect the way people see me,” rather than if the outcome is beneficial and a healthy choice.

Say no to things that keep you from reaching your goals.

Accept Who You Are – This one is something everyone should constantly be working on. Why constantly? Well, we are constantly changing, personalities and values in flux.

Being hard on yourself can be a helpful development tool, but it can also keep you from moving forward.

I have this one friend who thinks that accepting herself is accepting that she is sad and lying on her couch all day moping about how horrible it is that she is the kind of person that lets life pass her by.

Do you see the irony?

She chose to be that person and then tries to justify it by saying, “Oh that’s just who I am.”

Did you ever watch the Iron Giant? It was one of my favorite movies as a kid. It’s funny, but the one line that resonated with me was all of two words long.

“You Choose.”

That’s it. Now, it was referring to choosing to be good or bad, but I always took it to mean that you get to choose the person you become.

Choose to be the person who accepts that you aren’t always going to make the right decision.

Heck, I had to come to terms with the fact that I chose to let a narcissist walk in and out of my life like it was equipped with a revolving door with his name on it for almost 10 years.

The key is not to get too focused on the idea of acceptance, but to focus on actions that help you to do so.

Remind Yourself of the Positive Things in Your Life – I know this sounds cheesy, but follow me here. Look at the things you are naturally good at. Look at the people who love and care about you. Look at the things that give you purpose.

If you try and tell me that those things don’t exist, then I’ll straight up tell you that you are fooling yourself. Maybe because you just like feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe because you just don’t like the place your life is at right now. Whatever the reason, wake up! There are people that care. The future is made up of millions of tiny possibilities. By focusing on the negative, you limited yourself to a very small fraction of those possibilities. Very rarely are any of them good.

Don’t limit yourself to the sallow end of the kiddie pool when the entire ocean of possibilities lays ahead of you.

Work on Becoming Present – It’s easy to get stuck on the past, or daydreaming about the future. Be mindful of the things happening here and now. Focusing on the past will get you in a cycle of dwelling on things you can’t change. And focusing too hard on the future will lead you to worry about outcomes of decisions made now to the point of not making decisions.

If you aren’t mindful of the things going on around you at the present moment, you are robbing yourself of the chance to react to them and steer the direction of the outcome.

I’ve often likened this situation people put themselves in, where they leave the outcome up to fate and expect just to sit back and worry about things that might happen or things that did happen, to sitting in the passenger’s seat of a catastrophic wreck.

Learn How to be Alone – It is natural to subconsciously fear being alone. Most people feel that way. I’m not sure if it’s because we are afraid of what we’ll find out about ourselves. Maybe it’s because, something in us is constantly telling ourselves that, if we are alone now, we will be alone forever.

I’m not saying go on some long vacation or start a meditation practice. I’m just saying schedule yourself some time with yourself. Go for walks. I like to ride my bike. So often the answers to all my problems kind of work themselves to the forefront of my mind right as I realize how far away from home I’ve gotten. But some people find that journaling or writing things down helps with that as well.

At first it might have you feeling silly or a little down. So many people spend their entire lives hiding from themselves by surrounding themselves with people and business constantly. Come out of hiding and get to know who you really are. This is a great way to find your values, like we talked about earlier.

Detach from Social Media Temporarily – What?! But how will you know what Jane ate for breakfast? How will I see that funny cat picture that everyone’s sharing right now.

Believe it or not, you might actually be forced to have an actual conversation about what is actually going on in the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good meme as well as the next guy. Bu I realized something yesterday.

We get together for Brunch every other Sunday, just as a guaranteed way to stay connected with our busy lives. And yesterday, one of our friends brought her new boyfriend along to get the dreaded friend approval. After Brunch, we took our coffee out on the patio to sit and chat. Not five minutes had passed before I realized that our entire conversation had been him showing us meme’s and silly things off the internet. Needless to say, I was not amused.

Substantial conversation has gone out the window and has been replaced with, “Oh, look what my friend posted.”

Don’t get me wrong, I am totally guilty of this, and as I say this to you I am making a promise to myself as well to have more actual conversations and get to know the people I surround myself with rather than just know what they find amusing.

Stop Blaming Yourself

Sometimes things just don’t work out. Whether you had a hand in that or things just kind of crumbled around you, you need to realize that sometimes things just happen.

As of this very moment, the National Interagency Fire Center, or NIFC, has posted that there are currently 98,664 acres of active fires. There are 36 active fires. Six of them are contained.

When the fire and rescue is faced with a massive forest fire do you think they ever waste focus on the one tiny match that started the blaze?

Not likely.

They focus on putting out the fire. And then afterwards, the focus is redirected to rebuilding and recovering.

Don’t get stuck trying to figure out what went wrong or where your fault lies. I know how tempting and easy it is to fall into that cycle. Some of you are already there. Change your mindset! Focus on rebuilding and recovering.

Get Rid of Reminders

I’m terrible at this one and I’ll admit it. I always find a way to convince myself that I am stronger than I am. But the truth is, sometimes you just need to suck it up and get rid of the reminders. Take down the pictures. Wash that hoodies that smells like her that you’ve been sleeping with for the past three weeks. If the prospect of getting rid of the memorabilia is just too hard, then box it up and put it in a closet or give it to a trusted friend.

Whatever you do, just get it out of your sight.

Get your Priorities in Line

Life waits for no man. Instead of sulking or trying to show your ex how over her you are, try building a life that doesn’t revolve around anyone but you… and maybe your dog if you have one.

Your relationship came to an end… not your life. But if you focus on the negative and allow yourself to get stuck in that rut of feeling like things “aren’t ever going to get better,” then you are just being lazy.

Life is what you make it. Refocus. Decide what you want to accomplish.

No, showing your ex isn’t a priority. It’s a pleasant side effect.

Have you always wanted to start a business? Do you hate your job, but you’ve been putting off looking for a new one?

Whatever you decide to focus on, make it your life’s goal to reach your goals.

My suggestion, set a few small ones to start off with.

I always start with cleaning my living space.

Why?

Because, generally speaking, your thoughts will reflect your surroundings. If you are living in a dark, messy space, then your thoughts and your focus will be dark and messy.

Remind Yourself What You Deserve

No one is promised anything in this life. But realizing that you don’t have to settle is one of the most liberating feelings in the world.

There is no reason to ever stay in a situation that you are unhappy.

If you don’t like your job, there are other jobs. If you girlfriend treats you like crap and walks all over you, there are other girls.

I feel like there should be an infomercial playing in the background while I type this.

“Are unhappy with your situation?”

“Did your last relationship leave you feeling like you can’t do anything right?”

“Did your ex constantly remind you of your failures”

“Well, today’s your lucky day!

For four easy payments of absolutely nothing, you can take home your very own sense of self-worth today!”

Find Acceptance

I left this one for last, because it’s not necessarily required, but it will make moving on with your life a lot easier. It’s not so much forgiveness as it is acceptance of the situation. I don’t care if your ex was the most awful person on the planet to you. If you are holding on to resentment and age, then they still have some hold on your life. I’m not saying that you have to condone their actions.

Let me put it this way, I’m on good terms with ALL but one of my exes, simply because I deal with my relationships by abiding by one rule.

I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me.

If your ex walked away, understanding that she might need or want something different, gives you the opportunity to find someone who does.

For the love of all things, please keep your dignity. Don’t go hurling insults at your ex simply because their feelings changed.

That’s what happens in life. Can you honestly tell me that your feelings for everyone in your life have stayed the same your whole life?

There are plenty of ways to go about getting over a relationship ending, but these are the ones I personally have put the time in testing them. Take them. Try them out. And let me know in the comments how they worked for you. I know without a doubt that they’ll have you saying “ex-who?” in no time.

What Do You Think? (31)

Steve

EGR Team Member: Amor

March 19, 2017

Thank you Steve!

Michael Spisak

February 11, 2017

I’m currently following these rules. My girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me suddenly, blindsided me when I was at a really low point in life. Basically replaced me with someone else. She was in a new relationship 2 days after. Even though we’d talk for a month after, 2 or 3 times a week. She knew I was fighting for her, trying to get her to reconsider. I’m 31 days into No Contact, which has been making things a little easier. Fixing my life, got back into school, started working out again, working multiple jobs, and volunteering as a Big Brother. Finding fulfillment in myself, staying positive and making better choices in my day to day life. Trying to better myself. Dont know if I’ll ever hear from her again, but if i ever do I’ll be a completely different person. Better in every aspect. Better than how she left me.

EGR Team Member: Amor

Noah

EGR Team Member: Amor

January 13, 2017

thanks Noah! I’ll forward this to Chris!

James

January 11, 2017

Does solicitors in a property settlement count as contact in NC? We have no correct contact and working through solicitors. It’s a generic but ugly breakup of a 5 year relationship, she left while I was at work and we never really spoke of the breakup face to face.

EGR Team Member: Amor

January 11, 2017

Hi James,

it’s ok to talk about that..as long as it’s only about that

Jordan

January 3, 2017

Hello, Well me and girlfriend have weee together for about nine months. We moved really fast and moved in with each other after three. After couple months she brought to my attention that she felt like it was a one way relationship and she was doing everything and I wasn’t appreciative or ever showed her that I cared. After a couple more months she finally said it wasn’t working out. After she told me what I wasn’t doing right I still acted the same way and was just way to comfortable and thought she would never leave me. Unfortunately we still live together and it’s been about two and half months and I just recently found this website. And it seems like everything you say not to do I’ve done from name calling to fighting to calling her out for doing things which isn’t any of business now. But ever since we broke up it’s just Like I know every single thing i could do Better and make her feel appreciated. Now I feel like i her even more than I did and after living together still for two months after we broke up I’ve just destroyed everything possible. Lease is done thankfully in two weeks but do you think I have any chance at all left. After doing about everything you’ve said not to don I’ve done. No contact rule was impossible since I see her everyday. Just a bad situation and i just can’t kick it and get her out of my head. Make myself sick thinking of her and another guy together don’t sleep eating habits are bad just need some advice thanks

EGR Team Member: Amor

January 4, 2017

Hi Jordan, prepare for the no contact rule whike you’re still living together by being less available but civil with her.. go out more by being friends or going to the gym or work or join a short course..start improving yourself while you’re still there and just be polite if you really need to talk

Chris

December 28, 2016

I could really use your help for the situation I find myself in. My ex broke up with me this past May after a year and a half of dating. She asked to be friends and I foolishly accepted in hopes of getting her back as this was the first time I had ever been broken up with. We kept in contact for about a month with me trying to get her back. Then I told her I still had feelings for her and asked if she felt the same way. She said she wasnt sure what she wanted and that we should give it more time. I looked at your site on what to do if I got friendzoned and followed all the steps. I did no contact for 21 days, reverse friendzoned her, showed mixed signals, and many other tips from all of your articles. After doing all of this for about a month and a half I wasnt sure how she was feeling. I put it all on the line and asked if she had feelings for me and told her that I still did. This was around mid August as we were both beginning our freshman year at the same small college. It sounded like she didn’t and told me she had made up her mind that she didnt want to be in a relationship for at least a year whether it be with me or someone else but she still wanted to be my friend. So I took your advice and completely walked away. I had absolutely no contact with her for about a month and a half. Since then, early October, we have had a few conversations and I have snapped/texted her a few times but she has not reached out to me. It seems like she still doesn’t feel like she made a mistake like I was hoping for by walking away. I still have feelings for her no matter how hard I try to make them go away but I just feel like she is the girl of my dreams and I can’t let her go and I’m willing to do anything to get her back. What should I do to accomplish that? Or do you really think I should just try to move on and find someone else? Please let me know if you have any questions about our relationship, breakup, or anything else that would help. I really appreciate all of the advice you’ve given me in your articles and would appreciate if you could help me out here as well! Thank you!!!﻿

EGR Team Member: Amor

December 31, 2016

Hi Chris,

yeah, you should move on..you dont need to find someone else.. moving on means choosing to act more for yourself despite of what you feel about her..

Milton

December 20, 2016

Ok so I was talking to this girl for about a month and a half, we went on 3 dates and texted almost everyday during the time we talked, we really liked each other. About 3 dates after our 3rd date (it was great) I noticed her text weren’t as fun or exciting as they usually were, I eventually asked her “if we started dating were you planning on telling your parents?” (Her parents didn’t know about me cause they’re kinda strict) she never replied after that, so about a day later I asked her why she wasn’t replying and is everything ok, she never replied to that either. 2 days later I asked her “do you like me or not? I really like you and I want to make you my gf but if you’re not feeling it anymore just tell me” she said she realized she’s not ready for a serious relationship yet, she wishes she was but she’s not 100% emotionally there yet (I think she’s scared cause the only other relationship she was in lasted 2 years and she got cheated on) so a couple days later I asked her if she still would want to hangout and take things slow, she said she’s not open to putting herself out there yet and that she’s very cautious because of everything that’s happened to her. She also said if I want a serious relationship I should look for someone who also wants one cause she’s not ready. After that I did no contact for 16 days, I sent her a memory text, I ended the convo quickly but it was great, the next day was even better, we texted throughout the whole day, it was as if we never stopped talking, we were making jokes the whole time but the two days after that were kinda boring because she was busy, so we texted for 4 days straight and I sent her one last text on the 4th day, I admit that my last text was kind of a flirty text but she replied to my earlier flirty text, she never replied after that though, it could be because she went on a road trip to Florida the 4th day, she’s currently in Florida right now on vacation but she has yet to text back all though she still watches my snap stories, what should I do? She is a girl who likes to be “chased after”

EGR Team Member: Amor

maybe she was just busy at that time.. when is she coming back from vacation?

vato

December 10, 2016

Hi!

I’d like to thank you for all the articles, they are very helpful and definitely make things much easier.

I’d also like to ask you a question, because every situation is different. I’ll save you your time and just outline what happened (sorry for my might-be-bad english):

I was with my ex for about 2 months (yeah, long, eh?), we were great friends before and we attend same course at the University. I wasn’t attractive, I started being needy, same old sh*t. She broke up with me at the beginning of October. From October to today, I’ve made a huge progress if I could say it myself. I started being more open-minded, sociable, started to work-out, dress better, have a new haircut, passed driving test and I’m currently waiting for my license. Hell, many people at my course tell me that I’ve changed for the better (while she is near, so she obviously hears everything). She is writing with her ex (she was with him when they were 13-14, definitely not a serious thing) for about two months now, I know they met each other a few times (fortunately he studies 300km from my hometown) but there’s something suspicious about her behavior that I needed to write to you.

She told me during break-up that she will never feel anything towards me. But guess what, that was old me 😛 Now the situation is kinda weird, because here is what I know and what happens right now:

-She stalks my social media (Snapchat, Facebook) – she is almost always first to check my snapchat story, even if her snapchat points don’t change (I’m a great detective, ain’t I? :D) -She observes me during classes -We have a mutual group project that we work on, we talked about doing it, she said she doesn’t really have the time right now, so I said that we can do it without her. Her response was: ‘I’m just gonna pretend you didn’t say that’ and immediately started to talk about choosing a date that will be good for everyone. -She is recently kinda sad, so that makes me wonder if she started to feel something. I guess I’ll have to wait to find out.

We rarely talk, we don’t text each other apart from the project group convo. I think the best way would be to wait for her to make the first step and text me, what do you think? What do you think about the whole situation?

EGR Team Member: Amor

December 15, 2016

Hi Vato,

why did she break up with you? Set a limit until when you would wait for her to initiate and then decide if you will initiate or move on.

Mike

December 21, 2016

Hi Vato! May i ask how was your breakup? Did it went fast or was it really rough? I mean you begging her back and pushing her to the limits of being angry over you etc. Im asking it just out of the pure interest, because im in a similar situation right now.. Really appreciate if you would answer 🙂

Jay

December 8, 2016

Hey guys,

My gf and I split up about three and a half weeks ago, no cheating involved, just the standard “I need my time and space” situation. I kinda got the vibe that she lost some attraction towards me and maybe became too comfortable. I started no contact a couple days after and held out for the 21 days. We ran into each other a couple of times at school during then and didn’t say anything but “hi”, besides that there was zero contact whatsoever. She didn’t try reaching out to me during the 21 day NC and despite being a little discouraged, I figured it was best to extend NC to 30 days. Right now i’m about at the 25 day mark. I’m just not sure what to do if she doesn’t try to contact me during the next week or so. I want to think she still thinks about me, but I just don’t know. During this NC I’ve done a lot of things to improve myself and take my mind off of her; starting a new workout program, getting a lot of work done in my classes, and being more socially outgoing. Every once in a while the thought of her will pop back into my head, and I’ll get upset about it for a little while because I still miss her like crazy, I still think about her every day. I just know that breaking down and telling her that I miss her would just make me come off as needy and desperate, and I need to live my life independently and understand that I don’t need her to be happy.

If I don’t hear from her over these 30 days NC, should I extend to 45? Or should I try to re-establish contact? I really want to get her back and have the confidence in myself as a person, I’ve just been a little caught off guard that she hasn’t said anything to me since the split. It’s almost as if we’ve become complete strangers, which is the last thing I would ever want to happen.

EGR Team Member: Amor

December 15, 2016

Hi Jay,

did you extend nc?

Jay

December 16, 2016

Thanks for the reply. I ended up extending NC to the 30 day mark and did not hear from her during that period. I heard through the grapevine that she may have started seeing someone else, and I was a little upset to hear that considering I didn’t think she would move on this fast. I found this out one month after the split, which means that she was potentially talking to this guy while we were still together.

I still haven’t reached out to her and contacted her, and she hasn’t reached out to contact me either. I ran into her the other day coincidentally on campus and had a brief minute conversation, just a “Hi, how are you doing?”

I have my winter break at school coming up, during which there is zero chance of me running into her for a full month. Should I go off the grid during this time period and extend no contact even longer? I don’t want to come off as pushy and needy, but at the same time I don’t want her to fall for this guy and totally forget about me.

EGR Team Member: Amor

December 31, 2016

they already seeing each other, so the best you can do is be a better guy than the new one…whether that’s extending nc to focus in improving yourself or improve yourself while rebuilding rapport and attraction with her

Gus

December 5, 2016

Hi Amor,

I went into no contact with my ex after a month and a half since the breakup, we had a long relationship (4 years). Since she went abroad to study things werent quite the same, lots of jealousy and things left unresolved that ended up me having a jealous and needy attitude as well as her being enclosed and real toxic towards me about the past, a subject that carried till the day we broke up and wore a lot of things in our relationship for the last year. So I tried to stay close to her after the breakup but she kept saying she wanted space and time, even though she did answer every single message and even told me thing as she missing dancing with me romantically and many other things and even telling me that her doors aint closed forever, but that she needs to do a lot before involving herself so young into such a formal relationshiop (she is 23). But like 2-3 weeks ago i phoned her we talked and, at the end she told me i was too much present given that i was at least once a week in her life and that she needed me to respect her desition and that it was suffocating, so I apologized, got a little sad and it was awkward, and told her i didnt realize i was making her feel that way in a polite manner and proceded to say goodbyes. 2 days laters she called me asking for a computer advise/help/virusthing and i did help her rudimentary speaking, i realized it was a month since the last time she phoned me (only texts) and given what she said 2 days earlier i was really annoyed, i helped her and said goobye. 3 days laters she texted me drunk asking for apologies and telling me she was in a real crisis in that moment with her computer as well at her home, and that she didint want things to be weird or bad between us, and that it wasnt her intention to make me feel used. 2 days later she called me telling me a text wasnt so personal for an apology and talked with me in an easy going way for 40 mins or so. After we called we texted a little and she said it was the first time since we broke up that she has felt relaxed and tranquile while talking with me, that she enjoyed knowing about me, she even sent me picks from something related with my business in one of her travels, and we agreed we might some day exchange food recipes given that she told me how much she misses my mexican recepies. BUT, what does it really mean the: “feeling relaxed and tranquile while talking with me”. All my previous attemps at talking with her ended with an abrupt “its too much, need space”. So i dont want to feel that i can start contacting her right the way… so despite our positive talk i´m going through no contact after that, she still said she wanted space and time 2 days ago and all of this could be some kind of remorse for being so rude and then only contacting me for help so, this is like day 15 of no contact.

EGR Team Member: Amor

actually, I think you should try doing a 21 day nc rule.. And stay strong in not answering her unless she says she wants you back.. What she said just means she’s used to talking to you

Gus

December 5, 2016

Yeah, I think you´re right, will do the 21 day nc, plus she even told me: I wasnt even allowing her to miss me. Which is weird given that I’´ve heard her say: I miss this and that but hey, maybe not missing enough. And I don´t think she´ll call I mean, despite this time its the first time she does it since more than a month ago. Thanks Amor

EGR Team Member: Amor

December 15, 2016

You’re welcome!

gus

December 12, 2016

I will definitely do, almost there and havent been contacted, actually thinking on doing a 30 NC. You really think she just meant that? After all she said it was the “first” time since the breakup where she felt tranquile while speaking to me. All the other attempts i had at talking with her after the breakup were kinda just her being cordial or polite, but she did said there was too much me, and that i didint even give her chance to miss me. Why would she want to miss me?

EGR Team Member: Amor

December 15, 2016

I think she meant you didn’t give her space.. she got full of you.. like to the point that she feels you won’t let her do the things she love on her own.

GUS

December 16, 2016

Well, thats a little bit eye opening, when we broke up she said we were very codependent of one another. But she also said things like she wanting to do things that can´t be done inside a relationship, that she was young and she felt this was the time to do all that and not carry on having regrets, to travel, to meet/date more people and that she didint want to hurt something that wasnt broken. She seems to care a lot about us being on good terms despite breaking up, but you know, things during break ups are quite fragile in that sense. She called me for my birthday several times and sent one message, I didint answer, I was angry at her because I realized she is having contact again with a guy she dated while being abroad and with whom she had sex, he was the driving factor of all the jealousy and neediness I had during our relationship, a quite sensitive subject and something we agreed she´ll leave behind. I mean, we are broken up, she can do as she wants of course, but I can´t stop getting angry at that fact and believing he means something for her. Still, didint answer, I´m in no contact and all this messing around with me that much is just another indicator that I really need this time to heal. (I have 4 days left for the 21 days I recall that right.)

EGR Team Member: Amor

December 31, 2016

if you can’t trust her, don’t go back to her

Erik

November 30, 2016

Hey. I have an issue. About two months i met a girl at the college library, I liked her at once and in short, i reached her, met her and initiated chatting once a week as it was exam period. i always initiated chatting but she replied at once, there was fun in the air etc. then i asked her out, she came, we had a good time and then we continued to the second when we held hands, hugged etc. then she became more open, initiated chats, teased me, was cheerful and after two days she even invited me to meet and and we had a really nice time. However, even if that was the peak and i could by the way she looked at me and the body language (i could count each one of the “top 10” signs), after two days of going off radar, i reached for her, and she told me that things go the wrong the wrong way and initially she was aggresive and accusing me 4 stupid things, like she didnt realise we were dating, that i kinda drove her mind with my ways etc. after i told her that “no friedzone tnx” i want this and this, and everything u say could be said at least by phone, not fb chat, she became apologeetic and turned all her arguments 180o. then she began telling how good i am eetc, and that she doesnt want a relationship but a good friend and when i told her that this is not what i am looking for and nice meeting you etc. she asked “is that all u have to say?” and finally we said goodbye, she kept apologising and i ended the conv. and wrongly deleted her from social media. i am following a 30 days no contact. any advice?