Don’t get raped

A 17-year-old girl’s drunken night out at Brisbane club Friday’s led to her alleged violation and rape by two men, one of whom would later tell police he believed she had consented to sex because “she didn’t say no … she didn’t do anything”.

And then…

In the bedroom, the girl had consensual sex with a man and after he left the bedroom she saw three men enter the room, close the door and then some or all of the men engaged in sex acts with her.

Mr McCarthy said in the girl’s own words, at this time she was “really out of it” and “tried to move away but couldn’t” and that she had been in and out of consciousness during the incident.

Well, you get the picture.

Don’t go out and get drunk, it could lead to you getting raped. Also, don’t have sex with someone because it could get you raped by someone they know. Don’t be young, that could definitely get you raped. While we’re at it, especially don’t be a child, that could really get you raped. Don’t be older either, that can get you raped. Don’t be living in a nursing home; women get raped there. In fact, what are you even doing in an establishment like that, are you asking for it? Don’t be single; single girls are sluts. Sluts get themselves raped. Don’t be married either or you could get raped by your husband. Don’t go jogging, that is just irresponsible. Don’t go to carparks, that can get you raped. And really don’t go jogging in a carpark, that is like so going to get you raped. Don’t go to public toilets, that can lead to rape. Don’t be dying; dying women get raped. Don’t ever be unconscious for any reason whatsoever, you’ll get yourself raped. Don’t be injured either. Raped. Avoid being physically disabled. Raped. And particularly avoid being intellectually disabled. You couldn’t get yourself more raped. Don’t go out alone, that is dangerous and you could get raped. But don’t accept lifts either; that is just asking for trouble. Don’t ever be naked, it could get you raped. Don’t wear clothing in which I could imagine you naked, that could get you raped. Don’t wear short skirts, they attract rape. Don’t wear baggy clothing or pyjamas or hospital gowns or a hijab either, women get raped in all those too. Don’t have a father, brother, uncle or grandfather. You could get raped by one of them. And oh my god, don’t even think about having a step-father. So raped. Don’t be ugly or you could deserve rape. Don’t be beautiful, you will be too tempting. Don’t flirt with men, this can get you raped. Don’t be rude to men either – playing with fire. Don’t take public transport. Raped. Don’t drive your own car, what if someone hid in the back seat, you could get raped. Don’t sell sex or anything close to it. Raped, raped, raped. Don’t be mistaken for someone who might sell sex. Obviously, you would get raped. Don’t be a soldier, a waitress, a teacher, a police officer, or a hairdresser. All these women can get raped, sometimes by their professional colleagues. Don’t dance, it could lead to you getting raped. Don’t relax, what if it made you look like you wanted it. Don’t be stupid, that will surely get you raped. Don’t be naive, you’ll deserve what comes to you. Don’t be adventurous, that is being stupid and stupid women get raped. Don’t be silent, who can be expected to know you didn’t want to be raped. Don’t be intimidated, that can signal weakness and will get you raped. Don’t be trusting, don’t be in awe, don’t be flattered by anyone – that could so get you raped. Especially don’t be female, that could really get you raped, although being male could get you raped too, so don’t do that either. And don’t be interesex or trans, people will think rape is for your own good.

Yeah, what leads to rape exactly? Amelia Bentley needs to wipe the misogynist fog off her glasses and get some clarity. Granted we’re still talking allegations here but drunken nights out do not lead to rape. Rapists rape. Rapists raping lead to rape. Victims are never to blame.

Actually, I’ve been in precisely this position – getting drunk with a boy all night and making out in bed with him and still deciding I didn’t want to have sex with him. And you know Aiden, had he forced sex upon me after hearing what I’d decided, it would have been rape. Rape is rape.

Getting your hopes up and then being disappointed by a rejection sucks. But raping someone? That is a fucking terrible, terrible thing to do.

Claire – if the girl hadn’t said no then why has Aiden got a problem with any of this stuff? She made out with him all night and then they had sex, end of story. Why does he think girls are a joke? What’s your point exactly, I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying?

Don’t bother man. Feminists enjoy completely stripping themselves of any self responsibility (see slut walk, pro fat movement, this “tell them not to rape” attitude) and believe in a fantasy world where they are completely free to act as they please with zero consequences, but if anything goes wrong its not their doing at all (notice I’ve mentioned nothing about rape).

Its amazing how many assumptions are made by woman when it comes to defending this girl. No one is allowed to say “her being drunk contributed to it” (being ‘raped’ several times at alcohol fueled parties) but feminists can say “those men are rapists and deserve to suffer”. Feminists really need to re evaluate this attitude, it is literally backwards thinking and make men more sexist and woman seem even more useless.

A case of entrapment hardly relates to the Amelia Bentley case. If you are drawing parallels to the two (a fictional scenario and the case at hand) there are some heavy assumptions going on. This scenario suggests you’re implying these guys had 100% intent to rape this girl (holding down forcefully etc).

It is all an attitude held by a person with a naive, childlike sense of the world. It implies a woman should accept drinks from a stranger with zero concern for other intentions, that a woman should accept an invitation back to an apparent with zero concern for other intentions, that a woman within her own right can conduct herself with no consideration of another persons interests.

This is not reality, nor will it ever be.

Also, ‘drunken nights lead to rape’.

It very well can. There is no question that if she wasn’t drunk it would not have happened. Drunken decisions led her to that apartment. Pretending that it doesn’t is moronic. The victim should not be blamed, but putting yourself in a vulnerable position willingly definitely places some responsibility on the person.

Personally I see feminism to be spite driven sexism. This is why I question these things.

RidiculousStory – first and final warning. This is a feminist site, if you want to pursue the absurd and incredibly ignorant notion that feminism is spiteful sexism you have a world of MRA sites out there to choose from, enjoy, but you won’t be doing it here. Try it again and I will ban you. Feminism is a philosophy with a long and thoughtful history and if you can’t educate yourself on the very basics of the movement then it is unfair to expect those who have to include you in a discussion here.

Also, you can ditch the idea that telling me I have a childlike view is at all acceptable here in a discussion. Make an argument, ask questions, throw ideas around.. but insulting me is not ok. The argument that women should take into account the danger of rape in their actions and decisions and that will fix the problem is well and truly covered in this series of post. Please read them before commenting further.

The story I used in this post is based on some very high profile football rape cases and tackling the idea, that you, yourself, put forward, that getting drunk or going home with someone means you are automatically consenting to any sexual scenario thrown at you.

Finally, if you’re not a rapist I fail to see why you’re at all offended by the argument that people who are rapists are responsible for their actions and that they need to stop what is cruel and criminal behaviour, which is basically the message of my posts and the one you’ve linked to at Feminist Law Professors.

I absolutely agree, feminism has an incredible history and has done excellent things past! But now it seems like it has become bored and rather than truly bettering society it’s dumbing society. Of course rape is a rapists fault, but you are completely discounting the reality of the situations similar to this. My problem is with the beliefs and attitudes I’m hearing! This attitude that a woman should be able to conduct themselves in any way and the world should just stand back and let them do it. Its like a fantasy.

In our culture, it is CLEAR that if a man meets a woman, the act of inviting either home is an indicator of intentions of sex between the two. That’s it. Clear cut. No one has any reason to go to a strangers house/apartment ESPECIALLY while they’re drunk (unless there is a specific reason outside of sex).

Why does this website and others like it try to convince woman that this Isn’t true? And why does it completely discount that men AND woman do stupid things and make bad decisions while intoxicated? NO I’m not blaming woman and defending men, but as I mentioned you can not say being intoxicated doesn’t lead to unwanted situations, in reality we all do stupid things whilst drunk and should be aware of this so we don’t do regretful things (not just rape, anything) or find ourselves in a horrible situation.

In response to your final paragraph I say this. All crimes should not be committed, therefore there is no need for prisons, there is no need for police, we should just tell the criminals not to do them and rely on our hopes and dreams to protect us.

I also like the way you threw in the “I’m a rapist” insinuation, classy. Really shows the seriousness of the topic with the way its so easily thrown around for passive aggressive dramatic effect.

I read this post, and at the same time the news in an argentine newspaper (where I am from) exactly about this: read to believe – small town in argentina. women protesting at the injustice of the accusation of three men who raped a 14 year old girl. why? she was asking for it, she wanted it. she was trouble. She was the problem, the guys – poor guys, they were stupid for getting caught. those videos circulated through mobile phones were not such a good idea then.
The story is in spanish, but here is a link: http://www.pagina12.com.ar/diario/suplementos/las12/13-5741-2010-06-01.html
I know machismo is at large, but things like this show how far we still need to go. sad and infuriating to say the least.

[…] of the post alerts the reader to a topic when it is potentially disturbing. A couple of posts back I wrote about rape – and more particularly, victim-blaming – and I am very aware that this post could sit […]

Sounds like a clear case to me. Don’t quite understand why the charges were dropped. Maybe an innocent-until-proven-guilty-and-not-enough-hard-evidence thing I suppose? :-/

Though I feel your post is a bit of the mark. (Or maybe I’m completely missing your point? Sorry if that’s the case.)

I assume most of your criticism stem from the “her drunken night out led to her rape”, right? If it’s read as “if the victim is drunk she is to blame for being raped”, I can certainly see the absurdity in it.

As an answer to this you then write a long list of all the things one shouldn’t do or be in order not to get raped, showing the absurdity of blaming the victim. Finally, you end your post with “Victims are never to blame.” – which I completely agree with.

However, the way I read the first sentence it is not assigning any of the blame to the victim. It is merely giving somewhat of an explanation as to why the victim did not resist more than she did.

When it comes to any kind of crime, I think it is important to make a distinction between blame and responsibility. In all cases all of the blame belongs to the perpetrators. However, in some cases, some of the responsibility can also be put on the victim.

If a man goes alone through an area of the city at night and gets mugged, I would give him none of the blame, but some of the responsibility (He’s not at fault for doing what he did, but it was at least somewhat irresponsible of him to do so).

If a girl gets so completely drunk that she can not take care of herself and she ends up being raped, I would give her none of the blame, but still some of the responsibility (She’s not at fault for doing what she did, but it was at least somewhat irresponsible of her to do so).

Everybody knows the world is not perfect, and that there are situations we should avoid getting ourselves into. And writing that the situation in question could have been avoided if she had been drinking less could help remind people to be careful not to get too drunk. Perhaps it can even help avert a few situations like this in the future?

led here through @MaggieDammit who runs Violence Unsilenced. this post is brilliant. the way you have handled the ignorant commenter is brilliant. lastly, i find your voice to be very strong and solid.

needless to say, as a 9 + year survivor myself, i will return… but even if i wasn’t the survivor of a drug-induced rape, i would be here reading, and retweeting your posts to promote awareness and speak these words that all too often go unsaid.

Don’t get raped and tell your new partner, they could decide to strangely get ‘their rocks off ‘ over this and rape you too. …

Oh yes, and don’t refuse to have sex with your partner after being raped.. and certainly do not leave him waiting any length of time, as this refusal could often offend and lead to rape….

Don’t try to lead a normal life after being raped, you have been violated and ‘deserve’ more violations and rapes, indeed, aren’t you already soiled and therefore ‘rapeworthy’.

Don’t plead to be treated with respect by your partners, you are a rape sex aid tool, and can be used now, as ‘rape material’, and be abused sexually by them.

Don’t expect the police to open your ‘cold case’ some 20 years later. Even though ‘new steps in DNA evidence can be found. Your case will be JUST outside the ‘threshold’ for seeking justice.

Don’t expect NOT to be raped again. Other rapists can even smell your vulnerability and rape you again, but aren’t you supposed to be strong and suss out dangerous shit now??? Shit!! don’t rely on that!!! Now you can feel even more vulnerable and scared to go out.

Dont be hypervigilant, you are now sent crazy with rape filled paranoias – every noise, every new area, every new street, every, bush, tree, darkened and darkening garden, park, area, field, playing field, country side lane, dark and darkening corners of houses, town centres, dwellings, housing estates, EVERY man.. even your own new feminist thinking, empathic partner!

Don’t be worried about the father of the (now adult) child you had with your raping ex, after being searched for by her, turns up in her life and triggers all those other rapes you experienced at his hands. But DO expect to be supportive and SILENT about this reunion as their relationship building is MORE important than that!!! surely??

Dont expect to EVER tell the truth to him that you understand now that you were being raped by him. Do Expect to feel trapped with this and SILENt and responsible for ruining his life if you did tell, and MORE importantly putting your own child at risk.

Do expect that your sexuality, life, relationships with women and men, mental wellbeing, will be fucked up for some time.

Do try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, Do stay strong and carry on!!!

To Every woman, child, man, and transgender girl that was ever raped or continues to be raped, I despise what has happened to you and to me, and will never forget!!

just to say hi to hillcroft college. ….fab women’s collge.. really really fab!! based in surbiton UK – I sent a number of women there ( womens group I ran ) and went there myself for short courses .. small world eh?:-)

[…] Don’t get raped (via blue milk) Jump to Comments From Amelia Bentley's article in the brisbane times (my use of bold in the excerpt below): A 17-year-old girl's drunken night out at Brisbane club Friday's led to her alleged violation and rape by two men, one of whom would later tell police he believed she had consented to sex because "she didn't say no … she didn't do anything". And then… In the bedroom, the girl had consensual sex with a man and after he left the bedroom she saw three men … Read More […]

This reminds me of the old controversy of the jeans pants. If you recall, there was an assumption that it was impossible for sexual intercourse to happen without consent when the woman was wearing jeans. I believe this sad case is about the same gibberish; I hope it’ll not become standard.

Thsi si a brilliant post. O do a progrma in schools called lovebites, which is baout healthy relationships. The focus is on Domestic violence and sexual assalut- one of the main things we do is dispell myths about sexual assault- we ask the young people it is aimed at year 10 highschool- so they are about 15 ” do you agree or disagree with the following statement”

” if a girl goes out in a short skirt and gets drunk she is asking to be raped” you know everytime who agrees with this? The girls.

Our answer is always the same ‘ she might be wearing a short skirt because all her friends are, she might be getting drunk because all her friends are, she might want to have sex with someone that night, but she is not asking to be sexually assaulted. Do we have the right to wear whatever we want? ‘

[…] This stream of consciousness comment has been bothering me for a while but I haven’t quite had the energy to tackle it until now when I was shamed into doing so because some poor bugger has come and read the post, found the comment, and probably wondered (rightfully) why that comment wasn’t taken to task by me already – I mean, especially given this whole post is written in response to troubling comments received by another man on another part of my blog. […]

I feel so sorry for this lady who got raped. Getting drunk isn’t an excuse. Only last nite, my Common Law husband and I got drunk together, trying out some new drinks he’d heard of. At bedtime, he didn’t lay a finger on me. He believes in 100% consent. And that, you can’t give, snockered out of your head. He won’t even wake me with lust. He waits until I’m fully awake and fully consenting, even then. I have a wonderful man, and if all men were like him, there’d be no rape or marital rape. I have no idea what he does when I’m not in the mood. I never know about it. :D

Could you please add something in there about not being intersex, or trans? Because the incidence of rape among those groups is actually quite high. It’s even, God-forbid, medically acceptable to rape an intersex child/teenager/adult in the name of “fixing them.”

[…] in truth we don’t like women leaving the safety of her home country, bad things happen, they get raped for starters. Then of course she might not have the children and someone really needs to be […]

Brilliant and awe inspiring and disgusting all at the same time. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, as much as any woman can enjoy reading about something as horrible as rape. You’re a great writer! Glad I found you.

This is so beautifully written. How anyone, especially women, could believe that a victim is responsible for her own rape in any way is beyond my understanding. That just screams ignorance and lack of empathy.
Being a former victim myself, this post means a lot to me knowing that there are people out there who understand and support us.
If you would like to read about it, I have a personal blog about my experiences.http://fondlemyheart.blogspot.com/

[…] Remember when I said that comedian, Rob Delaney can pull off a rape joke? Well, I meant it like the way I kinda made a rape joke here in this post, where the joke is on ‘rape culture’ ….. where the point is that rape is bad and you are a fucking rapist if you rape someone. But the […]

it doesn’t matter if they are already having sex. if one partner withdraws consent at any point and the other forcibly continues, it is rape. and even though you would have trouble proving that cenario in a court of law the destructive nature of the act is still the same.

i just feel strongly about the drinking aspect, the only people i know personally who’ve experienced rape (or something like it) were drunk and/or stoned and it probably wouldn’t have happened if they were sober.

what really annoys me also is how men say women don’t have a sense of humour if we don’t laugh at rape jokes etc.
Great posts by the way.
Anything which draws attention to the constant sexualisation and objectification of women and girls is greatly needed.
Have we all signed up to the We believe her facebook page and the request to get convicted rapist Ched removed from the football team of the year??

[…] upon blue milk (what took me so long?) and The Internet’s Favourite blue milk Rants, namely Don’t get raped and her response post But why shouldn’t she take some responsibility too for the rape? This was […]

[…] situations where they can seize power over someone else, which was pretty much the whole point of my previous post. And believe me if it is one thing women don’t need more reminding of it is that we could get […]

[…] This. Whole. Thing. ”Don’t go out and get drunk, it could lead to you getting raped. Also, don’t have sex with someone because it could get you raped by someone they know. Don’t be young, that could definitely get you raped. While we’re at it, especially don’t be a child, that could really get you raped…” Don’t Get Raped – Blue Milk […]

This is a pointless post. Giving an example of many situations where a person MIGHT get raped does not mean that it is likely to happen. A thousand women will walk down the street wearing a provocative outfit and maybe one of them will get raped. I am not defending the rapist, but you are just plain scare mongering. I am sick of women constantly trying to demonize all men because of a few bad apples.

If you’re not a rapist then cool, you’re not a rapist and you needn’t feel demonized by this post. This post is not about rapists though, by the way, it is about the way we wrongly blame women for being raped by rapists. You might like to support that message because the idea that women are to blame for being raped assumes that any and all men could become rapists at any time if women put themselves in stupidly tempting situations.

BRILLIANT. Spot-on. And maybe I’m horrible for this, but when I got to “that is like so going to get you raped.”, I busted out with a laugh. Because it’s so ludicrous, and yet, the exact excuses that get used. It’s because of excuses like those that burkas exist, I think.

[…] got caught up in this discussion with a man about rape and responsibility and it was very much like this and this so I won’t go into the specifics of our tedious conversation but I will say something […]

I would like to see a blog on ways you can protect yourself from rape. Like the type of clothing you would want to not ware and want to ware. Or how you want to sit around men. And how do you avoid your stepfather?!!!! I also have a stepfather and I am absolutely TERRIFIED of him. My best friend is also raper by her dad every night but her dad pays off the cops! I know we are not the only victims in this world, there has got to be a way to get out if the mess.

[…] got caught up in this discussion with a man about rape and responsibility and it was very much like this and this so I won’t go into the specifics of our tedious conversation but I will say something […]