A REAL bummer

Well I’m not going to say it’s been awhile because it’s always awhile. I did receive some interesting comments from some blog readers out there. I can’t really verify that it was not a joke but apparently I’m in big hit in a retirement home somewhere in the U.S.A. What else can I say but, the ladies can’t get enough of THIS! I do want to thank everyone who has left comments for me; it’s always nice to know someone is paying attention, even if it’s mildly perverted and sexual.

One of the comments mentioned that they have been following my comedy career. Well it’s hardly a career. All I do is work my butt off and nothing pans out. It’s like I’m stuck in this parallel universe and I can see my goal but can never reach it.

WHAT I’M DOING NOW

At the moment I got cast in a comedic play with a group called Babyhippo productions. They are a family of entertainers who all met up in New York to write and stage a show called “Abnormal Stew”. It’s probably one of the wackiest projects I have ever been involved with. The family of actors are real cool, down to earth people that have a very similar sense of humor as I do. They are very open minded and don’t seem to feel threatened by others opinions and ideas, a very refreshing prospect. The last time I had so much fun was in college where the stakes where similar.

As Yoda might say: “Thinking a lot, I have been.” On the bus to the city the other night, looking out the window I stared at the New York City landscape. The view from the Jersey side is amazing. As the sun’s shadows fell upon the skyscrapers I thought, “I give my life to acting, to comedy, to my career.” Saying that made me feel better as if I really didn’t have a choice, it is my purpose, my destiny. I give it over to the theatre Gods, do what you will with me.

MELLONS OF THOUGHT ARRIVE

Today I don’t feel so nostalgic, I feel trapped as usual. Like a robot I sit here in my office and pick up the same phone to answer and solve the same problems. To be harassed by nasty unappreciated spoiled people who think the world revolves around them. As a result my health is finally catching up with me. I feel weak and sick. I’ve been to the doctors 3 times this month alone. The doctor implored me to cut down on my smoking; he says I’m too young to be having such problems. He asked if I’m under an unduly stress, I simply looked at him and smiled.

My body and soul plead with me to take a leap of faith and follow my dreams, but I thought I already was. I think I’ve been lying to myself about it, hoping I would get lucky and just be discovered on a Sunday night at a comedy club.

I work so hard and still feel like I haven’t achieved anything. My confidence now only exists in performance. My personal life suffers from utter lack of self esteem. I’m ashamed of who I am becoming.
Watching a TV commercial the other day I almost wept with sadness, the commercial wasn’t even that good but my emotions are running high. I only look forward to performing to escape this monotony I’m stuck in. If I have nothing to do I sleep for 15 hours at a time.

Most others will confess to the same thing. Most others will say, “Well yea me too, what about me? I had dreams and had to let them go why shouldn’t you”
I’ve never been one to listen to people but it’s true what they say. I can’t speak for them; all I can say is that I made all my choices with only once thing in mind, my career. There is nothing else for me. Now you may think, come on there is plenty you can do, don’t be such a wuss. Well I’ve tried to jump into web design with enthusiasm but I’ve realized that the only reason I’m into it at all is for the chance of being able to make more money to continue performing. I’ve noticed that I really do not have a choice and if I don’t do this I will never be me.

NOW - Now

I’m scared and don’t know which way I’m going. I feel like I have a blindfold on and I’m standing on a cliff. I went back and read some of my past entries, seems to be a pattern there. I’m a pessimistic optimist who’s introverted and hides using extroverted tendencies. Figure that one out. I’m vain and selfless all at the same time. Point is I’m stuck in a cycle that is making me increasing hopeless.

So what do I do? Do I quit my job, move back with poor mom and dad who can barely make ends meet and let them drive me crazy? Do I take off to LA by the seat of my pants and leave everyone I love behind for the sake of my own life? That last one has been tempting. Do I stay here, build a life, start a family and then resent them all for not following my own dreams? It wouldn’t matter much; if I stay where I am my health will eventually finish off my fate, how could I start a family then. I’m fading more quickly than before and yet I am am the strongest I have ever been in my art.

I'm scared to leave the people I love, I’m torn between their happiness and mine.

Final Thoughts

To my readers, I apologize if I have brought some of you down, but it’s important that this blog represent every side of my experience so that future hopefuls can educate themselves and perhaps save themselves from the same fate I am suffering. Don’t worry I will get back up again and again until I can no longer stand. I will make a choice soon and I will face my fears. If I don’t, I guess I will die trying.