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Chinese Communist Party ‘would have survived Mayan apocalypse’

A Chinese man with his home-made Ark yesterday: the CCP has ordered seven

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – China’s popular Communist Party (CCP) yesterday received another fillip to its rule after the long-predicted “Mayan Apocalypse” came and went, with the long-running dynasty still firmly in place.

Indeed, many now believe that – even if the seas had boiled and the sky turned to fire, as had purportedly been claimed in Latin American texts since 3114BC – the CCP would still have comfortably maintained its grip on government.

A popular joke in China goes that, after the holocaust, the only things left would be cockroaches and Party discipline. But increasing numbers of academic shills are adding credence to this idea.

“It would take more than a ‘Doomsday’ to eradicate a system of such keen meritocratic value,” explained Professor David Bellend, a Confucian expert at the Beijing No 4 Agricultural Kindergarten. “In the event of any kind of Armageddon scenario in China, the finest minds and ideas would simply rise to the top, as if by magic.”

A powerful national infrastructure, capable of enduring the end of all life and sustained by the CCP, has been erected with “unshakeable faith,” the People’s Daily remarked yesterday morning, without referencing what it was talking about.

China has excellent drainage systems to cope with the possibility of flooding in urban areas, the editorial continued, while its schools and hospital are built to withstand huge volumes of bird strike.

“The CCP has been in power since the ancient times,” claimed Professor Fang Danfeng, a Meso-American specialist and author of It’s the Social Stability, Stupid (Xinhua Books, 2008).

“The Mayan calendar also predicted many other things correctly, including the End of Days – but only for Japan, certain parts of the Phillipines and a number of counter-revolutionary religious cults.”

Interviewed about the amazing findings, a number of Chinese pedestrians simply slumped to their knees, slowly, and proceeded to weep silent tears.