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Monday, October 17, 2011

not so descriptive

Not so sure what I want these days. Dropped physics. Again. Infidelity. Who knew my best friend could deliver a slap in the face like that. Just couldn't concentrate. Trying to move on. Work is busy. Really just want things to be better; the way they used to be.

Finding I like beer.

I really like beer.

Actually, all alcohol is pretty good. Chilled warm forgetfulness in a bottle.

Just didn't seem like I could do it all without something failing. Either my marriage, the job, or the class. So I gave something up. At this point, I figure, what's another year. I don't even know if I care anymore. I am realizing how much I really hate being sleep deprived. Two days into class I was getting up at 3:00a.m. to study. I hate doing that all the time. I don't want the next decade to be like that.

I concur. Sleep deprivation sucks big time, and is a horrible way to live your life. Truth be told, I didn't find I had to sleep deprive myself all that much during my post-bac or even med school.... but my life situation is way less complicated than yours, and my commute is small.

I hope your job is going well. You sounded very upbeat and positive about it a few months back. Maybe if that continues it will lead to something better. Plus mini-man will go to school eventually, and will take up less time.

EG, you WILL figure it out, but it's about the process as much as the finish line, and if you have to make yourself miserable to get where you think you want to be, then you're right to question whether it's really the right choice for you.

Mezzo I hope things get better for you. This post made me instantly think of your March 9, 2011 entry. I'm not sure what events transpired regarding the infidelity, best friend, and "slap in the face"...but we are all human. There's only so much we can take.... A slap in the face may be shocking but sometimes we need it to "wake up"...

Anon - I don't think the cheating was meant as a wake-up call. I was already awake. I think my husband sort of saw suicidality as abandonment, though, so I get, kind of, where he was coming from. Was it human? Yeah, regrettably. Doesn't mean it still doesn't blow chunks. Sometimes I wonder if some people are just better off alone. Sometimes I wonder if I am one of them. I'm probably being all dark and gloomy, though. What's done is done.

OMDG - Yeah. The job is good. Things are okay. I will try to post more often. Sometimes I think it just makes me sad. I'm not sure why. You would think reflecting would be cathartic, but sometimes I think it ends up being more like dwelling. Still, it is nice to be missed.

OMDG - Sorry, never really explained things. Probably won't ever really explain things in much more detail as my husband reads my blog and I'm not really sure that anything positive will come from writing about it. Don't really feel like what happened is worth thinking about, but, to clarify: my husband was having a thing with a nurse he works with (not my friend). When I was referring to "my best friend" I was referring to my husband.

About Me

I'm 26, a mother, and debating what to do next! As an undergrad at Oberlin I studied what I loved: classical singing. My fascination with the physiology behind singing and the natural intelligence of the human body fueled my growing interest in medicine. Convinced I wanted to go to medical school, I applied for post-bac pre-med programs, got in a couple times, and ended up not going a couple times! Now I'm developing medical software at the hospital where I work and taking a step back. This blog is about my work, educational and personal experiences (and disasters) in healthcare.

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elspeth.greene@gmail.com

Quoted

"Understanding is a kind of ecstacy."

-Carl Sagan, Broca's Brain

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."

-Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Disclaimer

In case it isn't obvious, this blog not medical advice. All stories involving patients have been grossly altered to protect patient confidentiality. Autobiographical posts have not been altered (with the exception of names).

before I die

I want to learn to fiddle, try Bikram yoga, sing in a band, run a marathon, brew beer, get into medical school, grow romanesco, become a physician, publish something, kayak on our lake, plant an orchard, start performing classically again, drive a manual truck, learn to play the mandolin, make sturm, take a neuropharmacology class, and procure my own firewood by being badass with a chainsaw.