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Even as a child, I felt that there was something horribly, horribly wrong with what I had been taught, but I could never really put my finger on it. I was a good Christian, loving God with all my heart, loving Jesus more than I could stand. But, somehow, as I grew, church began to make me sick.

One day, I was sitting in a Pentecostal church with my best friend, and I heard a thunderous noise. I nearly dove under my chair, but thought better of it and asked her what it was. She told me, it was the children stomping on the head of Satan, rejoicing in his destruction. Then, it dawned on me, the thing that had been making me feel sick all this time, was the churches need to blame someone, to hate someone. I don't care who the object was, these people were teaching their children to HATE.

Book after book has been written about spiritual warfare, about fighting in the army of God, destroying the enemy who hates you and wants you to burn. We are taught that we are loathed and that we must loath in return. This is war. This is brutal. Be afraid. It made me sick.

And, Satan is only the worst of the two evils, when we place him beside God. This God, who so desperately needs to be loved, that he would eternally torture people in order to get it out of them, is not an all loving deity. This God is a waster of life choosing to put a time limit on education. He placed two people in a garden with a tempting tree, and a tempting angel, then hit them hard when they failed. He demands that we know Him, but hides Himself amongst a myriad of religions that make more sense than the supposed Truth! He dangles all people over a pit, and proclaims that He will drop the majority of HIS creation, for the sins that HE instilled within them. Only the elite will survive. Only the elite who praise the right name, and say the right prayer.

Even after that, I hung on. I was called demon possessed by the people I loved the most for even having such thoughts, but I never dropped my Christianity. People called me unchristian, and told me they were praying for me without the slightest idea of how condescending that was. They claimed to know what God wanted. They claimed to know the Truth... Then, it occurred to me, perhaps we have it wrong all this time. Perhaps the reason that it makes no sense is not because "the Lord works in mysterious ways", but simply because we were wrong.

I dropped the name Christian, and began to think for myself. I wondered what I would learn about God if I was unafraid of Hell. I studied and thought, and learned all I could learn. I learned about all the inconstancies of Christianity, the way the religion was put together, the way the Bible was put together and edited for content. I found the whole thing terribly contrived and, ultimately, ridiculous.

Then, as though my eyes had been closed all my life, and were suddenly opened, the concept of the Fractured Deity came to me, the God who was all of us, the God who created the Earth out of Itself in order to have EVERY experience, including doubt, fear, hope, pain, birth, and death. What if the point of life... is to simply live... MY GOD! The burden was lifted, and not in the way the Christians say. It was not replaced with the new burden of pleasing a fickle God. There is nothing to do but experience life. There is no awaiting Heaven or Hell. There is only a God who will wake from a dream.

This is the place I have stayed, though not without learning or growth, and I look upon every person I meet, and every part of the world, as an aspect of the extended deity. I cannot have more respect and love for a God who lives and learns through the world. I finally know what Jesus meant when he said, "Whatever you do to the least of these, you do also unto me." It is a beautiful thing to finally let go, and know what God meant when IT said I AM. There is no "we"... there is only I AM.

USABorn into ChristianityLet go of Christianity at age 23I was a Non Denominational ChristianI now call myself an Agnostic MonistI became a Christian because I wanted to love GodI left Christianity because I learned how to love God