Movie 43, reviewed: Half of Hollywood is down for the count

Movie 43, starring Johnny Knoxville, Hugh Jackman and everyone else

Movie 43 is an anthology film composed of allegedly funny, scatological shorts from a dozen directors — like Paris, je t’aime, minus the city and the love. In fact, I hate thee, Movie 43. Let me count the ways.

1. If you were on funnyordie.com, you’d die.2. You’re like the worst Saturday Night Live ever, without even a Weekend Update or a performance by the Lumineers to break the monotony.3. You made me re-evaluate Catwoman — no longer Halle Berry’s worst movie.4. And Cloud Atlas — no longer Halle Berry’s weirdest makeup and prosthetics.5. At 88 minutes, you’re 92 minutes too long.6. And your fake ads stretch your running time by 30 excruciating seconds each.8. I’m so upset, I forgot No. 7.7. Wait, I remember: Your trailer is much better than you are.9. Six minutes on how black guys can play basketball. Really?10. Two words: Stunt breast.11. Two more: Masturbating cartoon cat.12. I know.13. There’s already a film about a violent leprechaun.14. I used to like Greg Kinnear.15. And Stephen Merchant.16. You’ve taken the career of Johnny Knoxville to new lows.17. You invented a new class of mud, just to drag people through it.18. Four of your segments involve dating, yet it’s not the theme.19. There is no theme.20. Unless you count the idea of a movie executive forced to listen to bad ideas at gunpoint.21. I just figured out how you got made.22. Hugh Jackman deserves better.23. Heck, Snooki deserves better.24. Oscar-winner Kate Winslet can do a convincing dry heave. I know; I’ve seen Carnage.25-30. It took six directors to make this?31. You’re spec-awf-ular.32-37. It took six more directors to make this?38-39. Trey Parker and Matt Stone dropped out — and that didn’t ring any alarm bells?40. Anyway, you’re not even breaking any taboos.41. Unless cruelty to actors is a taboo.42. You weren’t screened in advance for critics. We’re paid to suffer through the likes of this so others don’t have to.43. You opened on Jan. 25 for an unsuspecting public, who have to pay to suffer through the likes of this. Shame on you, Movie 43. Shame on you.