just as a way to get free crisps. People were always happy to drop them, just to watch me eat them all up.

I have plenty more party tricks. MatMBA described me as "the human equivalent of a skid mark" the other day, but then, he calls me a lot of things and all I'd done was rip out a clump of nostril hairs with my bare fingers.

"For example, sick people visit hospitals, with the result that a hospital floor which has not been decontaminated properly can appear to be relatively clean, while actually being more contaminated than the dirty street outside."

five-minute patient rule: if a patient falls on the floor, you have a five-minute window to pick them up, or else they're contaminated with bad aids, or something.