Bam! Pow!

Charging Penguins Slip

From the Midwest City Gazette, editorial by Chester Manly

29

JAN/11

Up and coming “super squad” The Charging Penguins were served their first taste of real adversity yesterday. If I had to grade them, I would give them an F+. To everyone out there who doubts that I’ve received a proper education, let me just state that I’m aware there is no such thing as an F+, but I have my reasons.

It wasn’t so much that the Penguins failed, as that they failed so spectacularly that I had no choice. They failed with such style that this reporter is made to wonder if they are really “heroes” at all. For example, we have it on national television that within the first 10 seconds of any sign of danger, one of the group, “G.I.” disappeared into thin air. Some have said he was a coward, but where they see coward I see conspiracy. My thoughts are further proven by the fact that when “Magic Man,” among whose powers just happens to be the ability to open highly secure areas (such as the Deimos Center where these villains were being held until today), fights with Behemoth, he was obviously holding back for the whole performance.

This boy wonder seemed to be merely dancing with the giant until the mayor was taken and then suddenly wham! One hit K.O. on a forty foot monster. Now if he had that ability the whole time, shouldn’t he have used it to maybe, hmm, save the mayor? That is, unless he was in cahoots with the kidnappers in the first place! He put on a good show for the cameras and gets a pat on the back when he proclaims that he tried so hard.

The last member of this group of “heroes,” Char, practically admits that this whole ordeal was planned. He was seen leaving with the super-powered hippies, and was recorded controlling both the Spider Queen’s spiders and La Tigra Blanca’s tiger.

Mind you, this whole thing happened mere moments after the Charging Penguins received a huge sum of money from the mayor to help finance their new lair. Then the mayor just happens to be kidnapped and the villains demand a ransom so low, it makes you wonder if this was all just for show.

Let’s think about this for a second: our city is “protected” by someone who can shape-shift to look like anyone you know, someone who can turn completely invisible, and someone who can open any lock and take down giants in a single hit. In an age where heroes and villains are coming out of the woodwork, I submit that we should be more careful about to whom we give the key to the city.