The Keys to Romance

The dance of seduction is complicated, and it’s usually a lot easier with alcohol involved. After all, there are a lot of steps on the path from total strangers to horizontal jogging partners. Allow Dave Chappelle, master of romance, to walk you through the process of wooing a new partner, from meeting at the bar to your perfect night of sexual bliss.

If you spot a woman you’re attracted to, the first thing you need to do is get her attention. Sure, you could try the boring methods of introducing yourself or buying her a drink. Or you could just holler at her. That’s sure to pique her interest — but don’t blame us if it doesn’t.

Take a page from Bobby Hutchinson’s playbook and break through that tough defensive line of lady friends. Find a weak spot, and slide in with your signature pickup line. By the time her friends realize you’re already in the end zone, you can easily get them on your side with shots, shots and more shots.

So you’ve made it back to your place. Great job! Now, many activities are better with the TV on, like eating snacks, working out at the gym or having an important discussion with your lawyer. Sex, however, is not one of those things. Nothing puts a damper on bedroom action like a guest appearance from Charles Barkley — or worse, ALF. (No judgment if you do happen to be an ALF fetishist.)

Like leasing a car or buying a yacht, sex often involves a lot of paperwork. Don’t even think about turning down those lights until you’ve both signed the Love Contract. And keep a confidentiality agreement on hand as well, just in case.