The Real Housewives of Miami: The Secret is Lea is Lo Peor

“Let me tell you more about The Secret and how ‘The Law of Attraction’ has helped me fully embrace my smugness and unwarranted sense of superiority.”

¡Dios mio, pollitos! ¿Did you know that mañana is the last episode with Las Mujeres? ¡Es verdad! Qué, qué lastima. Just as I was beginning to care about Las Guapas, just as things were becoming FINALLY SORTA KINDA UN PEQUEÑO INTERESTANTE, they’re taking it all away from us and leaving us with ¿qué? ¿Las Mujeres de Nueva York? ¿Las Jills and Alexs and Cindys and not una sola latina? Hmmph. No, gracias.

We begin in Aspen, where Marysol miraculously has overcome last week’s anxiety over marrying Baguette Peu after a boring long day at the salon. Finally La Novia y El Novio, all dressed up, arrive at the gondola base and pose for a few pictures in front of some snowboarders and an A-frame sign advertising the lodge’s chili specials for the day! ¡Qué, qué hermosa!

Up the gondola they go, worrying over the cable snapping (no worries, you’re not in Cavalese, Marysol). Eventually, the gondola reaches the summit, and Marysol and Baguette Peu begin a trudge up a ski trail towards a waiting Justice of the Peace who seems entirely underdressed. Don’t you want a coat, Your Honor? Some gloves? A hat maybe? We’re gathered here today blah blah blah and Marysol and Baguette Peu, instead of reading their vows to one another, have El Justice de la Paz read them for them. ¿Qué? In any event, Marysol is now married to her Baguette Peu, and it’s all very lovely, if cold, and I bet she is wishing that she had worn some Uggs under that sleeveless wedding dress of hers. ¡Felicidades, Janice the Muppet! (Gracias, mi hermana.)

It doesn’t take long for the honeymoon to end, however. Once they return to La Miami and the inanities of their everyday vidas, they are busy bickering over whether or not Baguette Peu can keep one single possession: his wine fridge. Granted, it is muy grande, ¡but! ¡It is filled with delicious, delicious wine! ¡This is an unmitigated good, Marysol! Listen, chica. If you do not want Baguette Peu and his wine fridge to move in with you, he has an open invitation to move it in right here to Tubular’s HQ. Baguette Peu: We will send you a prepaid FedEx slip and everything. Totally serious. But the wine must come with it.

¿Oh, and remember that “fashion show” that she and Cristy were going to be in? ¿The one with all the ridiculous hoochie dresses and maracas? Yes, well, Alexia’s participation is cut short when her Maserati is hit by un otro driver. And though not injured, Alexia is too upset to put on her allotted hoochie dresses and prance around in front of her peers. Thus, Cristy is forced to wear Alexia’s dresses, even though Cristy is muchas más pequeña than Alexia. End boring fashion show non-storyline.

Adriana, in the meantime, has been contacted by her ex-esposo, Señor Deadbeat, who, having grown bored of his underage Brazilian la madre de bebé, has decided he’s made a huge mistake, and wants Adriana back. Something about $20 millones and finally paying child support. She tells all of this to an unimpressed Lo Peor as a means of exposition to the audience.

And then there is a bit where, for reasons never completely explained (ratings), Adriana takes pole dancing lessons. There is culo. So, so much culo.

Oh, Lo Peor. HEAVING SIGH. Everytime I think, “Well, Lo Peor has definitely out Lo Peored herself last week. ¡There’s certainly no possible way she could be even más Lo Peor!” you manage to find a new way to prove me so very, very wrong.

This week, Lo Peor volunteered to speak at the Everglades Camp to some young women who are about to leave the foster care system and venture out into their adult lives. Lo Peor, of course, fancies herself a mentor, BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES, and leaps at the opportunity to bring her wisdom to these needing souls — even though aside from marrying an attorney and organzing a fancy party every year, it remains unclear what it is she does or did do in her life. BUT I DIGRESS. She arrives to a room full of surly young women who have had their share of hardships in this life and are perfectly uninterested in hearing what some country club yahoo has to “share” with them. This does not deter Lea who, after asking the women what they want to be, and can not disguise her ¡shock! and ¡surprise! when a couple of them dare suggest they want to become a doctor or lawyer, begins spouting off some The Secret nonsense (careful — that’s a Dave Chappelle link and he has a potty mouth). You see, ¡if these ladies would only have positive thoughts about their lives, positive things will come their way!

Never. NEVER IN HER ENTIRE LIFE HAS LO PEOR BEEN MÁS PEOR.

Because here’s the thing: telling someone to “¡Be positive!” is a perfectly innocuous platitude that doesn’t really amount to anything one way or another. It probably won’t change their lives, but it certainly won’t harm them, either. However. ¿Suggesting to someone that they can actively bring “positive energy” into their lives by putting “positive energy” out into the universe? The problem with this NONSENSE, aside from the fact that it allows people who by COMPLETE CHANCE AND LUCK happened to be born into extraordinary circumstances believe that they actually had something to do with their lot in life and multiple Mercedes and guest houses and therefore deserve everything they made wish boards and thought so positively for, is there is a logical flip side to this argument: if terrible things have happened to you, if must be because you put “negative energy” out into the universe. So, señoritas, if you ended up floating around the foster system for the majority of your life, if your mother was too drunk to take care of you, or your father too abusive to be allowed near you, if your family was too incompetent to take care of you — or worse, you didn’t have any family at all, and had to become a ward of the state? It must have been because you had some negative thoughts somewhere along the line. Because energy attracts energy, duh.

Dios mio.

ALSO, YOU ARE NOT OPRAH, LO PEOR. QUIT PRETENDING TO BE OPRAH, UNLESS YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE TODOS DE LAS CHICAS NEW CARS.

Ugh. Lo Peor es Lo Peor.

It seems this is Larsa’s week to host the contractually obligated “lunch” for las mujeres, and she has decided that she wants her party to be “FUNNER” than the rest. In her effort to have the most FUNNER party, she’s doing something muy loco: Italian food, instead of Cuban. Well, that certainly is FUNNER. Larsa arranges to have her party at some ‘roided out meatball’s restaurant, whom she chooses because he plays good music and his restaurant has a club atmosphere. SO SO FUNNER.

Alexia, Marysol and Adriana manage to arrive at FUNNER party on time, and they make mozzerella and eggplant and other FUNNER Italian dishes while the Roidball growls at them about their technique. Eventually, Lo Peor and Cristy saunter in, just in time to eat, and everyone is happy happy, talking about how FUNNER this party is and how GOODER the food is, except for Lo Peor who takes exception to this, because the lamb she served at her party was muy bien, ¿but wait? ¿I thought Lo Peor didn’t eat anything with un nombre? OOF. LO PEOR. STOP IT.

As they are enjoying their FUNNER meal, Lo Peor decides it’s the perfect time to be pasivo-agresivo, and thank everyone for their contributions to her gala. Adriana then gets all in Cristy’s cara about how she didn’t pay for her boleto and suddenly everyone is shrieking and accusing and Lo Peor is smirking and talking about the “rules de la Miami” and everyone is uncomfortable except for Lo Peor who is very pleased with herself even though Cristy did pay her dinero already and it really should have just been left at that and there was no point to even bring it up but WHATEVER, because there had to be some kind of fight this season, ¿right? FUNNER.

And so everyone storms out to their cars where Cristy continues to shriek at Larsa much too rápido for me to understand but the gist of it is Lo Peor es Lo Peor and so is Adriana. Sí. Es verdad. And I bet I can guess what Cristy is going to go put on her wish board when she gets back to su casa.