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The 14 Stages Of Playing A New J-RPG.

“Final Fantasy VIII” was the game that back
in 1999 made 13-year-old-me realize that J-RPGs were da fucking bomb. The story
was insanely cool, the graphics and music beautiful, the gameplay something I had never seen before.
It was then when I truly became a videogaming monster and began seeking out
more and more games of its ilk. Yeah, I’m still missing some/many/most classics (I never
finished “Chrono Trigger”—fuck me right?) that are either harder to get or, in
my eyes, just too boring to bother with.

However, as I played more games of the
PlayStation era and then newer, I realized that there was a pretty consistent
pattern in my play-throughs, not to mention the patterns the games themselves
have because it’s a genre that consists mostly of clichés. Talking to some
other nerds I realized that I was not alone, so I made the decision to describe
to you folks what happens every goddamn time I play a new J-RPG. Naturally I’ll
use some games as examples, but the spoilers will be blacked out for your convenience.

Enjoy.

Stage 1. Opening Cinematic: Be Awed By Graphics.

J-RPGs are often sold by graphics alone.
Yes, a big series title can very often make the sale before even the first
details of gameplay are revealed (new Final Fantasy? Dragon Quest? Star Ocean?), but when new
screenshots, trailers and cinematics begin to appear online is when people
begin selling the naturally occurring semen—effect of the pre-game excitement—to
ensure that they play it on day one. And when day one comes in and you behold
the opening cinematic, which is designed specifically to blow your fucking
brains out, the level of excitement skyrockets.

Whether the game ever lives up to those first moments again depends, but (at least with Squaresoft games), they like to kick off with some razzle dazzle shock and awe.

Possibility of
dropping the game at this stage: Very Low.

Games I’ve
dropped at this stage: None that I can remember.

Stage 2. First
Boss: Finally “Getting” Game Dynamics.

So you play around a bit, many times in a
mellow setting with mellow music, getting to know the lead character and his
hometown of Quaint Townsville which will probably be destroyed soon. There are
tutorials here incorporated into the plot in often contrived ways (skill games
in a fair, a combat challenge, training). You’re too confident to listen to all
of it and just kinda skim through. You’re probably gonna regret that in the
future though.

After some super mellow moment, many times
at night, many times with Possible Love Interest for Lead Character, the first
big plot point—more often than not the destruction of Quaint Townsville—happens. Lead
Character will most likely learn a new plot-related ability that bleeds into
the gameplay, you get to hear the battle music a lot. The first fights will
also be pretty slow because the automated tutorials are probably still kicking
in. This might be the single most typical moment in J-RPGs; very few ever
circumvent it.

After the big twist that kickstarts the plot happens, the game will slow down.
And I mean really fucking slow down. At this point, unless the battle system is
the breasts, it’s hard to be into the game, because there’s nothing happening
in the story that isn’t part of the game’s initial premise so the only thing keeping
you playing is that, hopefully, the gameplay is rad (as it did for me in “Jade
Coccoon”). If it’s not, you’re probably going to go play “Final Fantasy VI”
again instead.

The plot will take you from one point of
the world map to another in seemingly arbitrary turns. Depending on the quality of the writing and design,
this will either be lots of fun, or a total drag. Some games will take you into
colorful and exciting locations (“Final Fantasy X”, “Tales of Symphonia”, “Grandia III”),
while others will have you tread one boring scenario after another (“Ephemeral
Fantasia”, “Infinite Undiscovery”).

This is the segment when the party begins
to form and cement and it’s the moment when you meet that one character you
wish was the lead—the one you’re gonna name your favorite and always favor in terms of
weapons/armor/abilities.

Yeah this first “world hopping” segment
might be either awesome or terribly boring—if the latter it’s going to be
because the main plot is still barely referenced and hidden under the tapestry of aimless
threads you’re following (remember Penelo’s kidnapping in “Final Fantasy XII”
or those bullshit initial field trips in “Lost Odyssey”?). Other games will
keep you playing because there is actually a story going on on top of the
gameplay (“Xenogears”, or fuck you, for me it's a good example: “Final Fantasy
XIII”). If you stick around to play it, the game is hopefully fun in its battle
system and generally still easy enough to make you not skip any battles. That
leads right into the next stage.

Possibility of
dropping the game at this stage: Medium.

Games I’ve
dropped at this stage: “Threads of Fate”, “Ephemeral Phantasia”, “Koudelka”.

Stage 5. Feeling
Absolutely Invincible.

So much unintentional grinding has power
leveled you to the point that you feel way to confident in your party and
unless you really enjoy the battle system, you might start skipping
fights so you can move the story along. This is a huge mistake you will pay for
later.

You’re still being hand-led by the plot at
this point, but your level is high enough that you breeze through the dungeon
crawling and field exploration. You’re not likely to stop playing at this point
because this is also when the story begins to move towards its actual goal.
Some minor twists happen. This is like leaving Midgar in “Final Fantasy VII”,
or everything after Lavitz’s death in “The Legend of Dragoon”.

And here comes another moment in which the
plot will take the reins and you’ll just fight through it discovering new details
about the characters’ lives—quite possibly through flashbacks—visiting some new
edges of the world previously unseen. This is the second most dangerous moment
for a gamer because unless the plot is actually compelling, and at this point
it likely isn’t, you’re still far enough from finishing the game to be tempted
to just stop playing and move on to a better game.

Remember the road to Archades in “Final
Fantasy XII” or the first time in Sylvarant in "Tales of Symphonia"? This could very well be a nightmare.

Something big needs to happen soon. At
least, if it doesn’t, there’s going to be a breather.

Holy fucking shit. Something huge just happened in the story and
suddenly you really want to know what’s gonna happen next. Even the shittiest
J-RPGs have that one moment that makes you actually want to keep playing
(Leonid’s death in “Infinite Undiscovery”).

This is very often the moment you will
forever remember as a—quite literal—game changer. Id’s identity in “Xenogears”,
the apocalypse of “Final Fantasy VI”, Aeris’ death in “Final Fantasy VII”, the
alternate world of “Grandia III”, KOS-MOS’ first Black Box in “Xenosaga Episode
I”. All moments you’re not likely to forget, and might even drive you to save a
separate file just to watch and play again.

So yeah, you want to keep playing. That is, unless, except the big twist did
nothing for you and your friend said “Well if you didn’t enjoy that I don’t see you enjoying the rest
of the game.”

Possibility of
dropping the game at this stage: Very low.

Games I’ve
dropped at this stage: None.

Stage 8. First
Chance to Side Quest.

This is very likely the halfway mark of the
game, many times the beginning of a new disc, and the first real breather you
get after Big Twist shakes—literally—the entire game world. This is a
moment that can be skipped entirely but is not very much suggested because
there’s inevitably one dungeon or one boss coming up that will wipe its ass with
your party if you’re not properly prepared. This is one of the first times the
world is quite open to your party, and you’re given some kind of airship.

So you sidequest.

You begin looking for the coolest available weapons
and armor which you only get through some kind of fetch quest. You either
backtrack to previous locations to play some minigames or move on to new areas to explore. Think of the first time
you get to fly BalambGarden in “Final Fantasy VIII”, or getting the airplane in “Grandia III”.
This is the first chance you have to actually explore the game without the plot
urging you to move on. It’s very fun and if it isn’t, it’s skippable.

Possibility of
dropping the game at this stage: Very Low.

Games I’ve
dropped at this stage: None.

Stage 9. Feeling
Absolutely Invincible Again.

When you finally take your party to the
spot in which the plot will continue, your party is completely
‘roided up with the finest weapons, armor and abilities the hours you spent
side-questing granted you.

Well, either that, or you just didn’t want to waste more time and you actually
skipped the chance to make the rest of the game ultra easy and you’ll suffer
for it soon. The plot continues to move along as it rears towards the finale,
generally through a couple more twists. Much like in stage 6, it’s become easy
enough that you breeze through it and thankfully the story is much more
interesting at this point.

Sadly, one of the most dangerous parts of a play-through is just around the
corner.

Possibility of
dropping the game at this stage: Low.

Games I’ve dropped
at this stage: None.

Stage 10.1. That One Boss That’s Harder Than The Last.

J-RPGs can be cruel. Yes, there are tough
games in other genres that require a shit-load of skill and coordination to
beat, but very rarely are they actually cruel
like J-RPGs can be.

There’s always this one asshole that puts a full-on halt to everything you were
enjoying in the game, and s/he shows up precisely when the plot begins to gel
and as you’re approaching the finale. Call him Evrae or Seymour Flux in “Final
Fantasy X”, the Pope in “Xenosaga Episode II”, Doga & Unei in “Final
Fantasy III”, that asshole in “Dragon Quest VIII”, there’s always one
jackass that will give you more trouble than anyone in the game had to that
point.

He’ll also be tougher than the final boss for some reason. This can be
particularly frustrating if you didn’t grind and sidequest enough during stage
8, because now you’re gonna have to back-track and do exactly that.

After all, you’re way too close to the finale to stop now.

10.2. Power Leveling For That One Boss That’s Harder
Than The Last.

So you go back and do everything you were
too lazy to do before. Collect the most important weapons and armor, find
optional party members that will prove extremely helpful, etc.

Oh, you will also find one way to abuse the battle system that will completely
break the game from that point on. After way too many hours of a completely
halted game, you go back and completely cream that boss that gave you so
much goddamn trouble. Good for you. Time for a reward.

Possibility of
dropping the game at this stage: High.

Games I’ve
dropped at this stage: “Vagrant Story”.

Stage 11. That
One Crazy Good Cinematic.

It’s funny how developers always know which
boss will give gamers a headache, and he’s generally put right before one
really cool cinematic that pretty much leaves only the final dungeon before you.
This functions as an incentive to just finish the game because you’re very
close. One of my favorite examples of this stage is “Start Your Engines” from “Final
Fantasy XIII”, of which I talked at length here.

At this point your characters are prepared for the final confrontation, the
plot has almost completely gelled, and there are only a few preparations before
one last dungeon crawl. It would be almost stupid to stop playing a game at
this point . . .. . . which I totally fucking did with “The Legend of Dragoon”. To be fair, I
did want to go back to it and finish, yet my memory card became corrupt for some goddamn
reason.

Possibility of
dropping the game at this stage: Very low.

Games I’ve
dropped at this stage: “The Legend of Dragoon”.

Stage 12. Preparatory Side Questing & Grinding.

This one doesn’t always happen because
unless the final boss is infamously difficult, there is no more reason to not
go directly against it.

Unless, of course, you’re one of those perfectionists and want to go kill the
real toughest boss in the game, often hidden in some god-forsaken dungeon and
is just absolutely fucking impossible to beat. I’m talking about Lucifer in
“Nocturne”, or Yiazmat A.K.A. ‘Fuck That Shit’
from “Final Fantasy XII”.

But if you just want to finish the game bare-bones either because you want to
play something else or you’re just more interested in the story than the size
of your R-Peen-G (c), you do the most basic preparations. Stack up on items, get
the most accessible weapons and abilities if you haven’t yet, and go into the
last dungeon.

Possibility of dropping the game at this stage: Very low.

Games I’ve dropped at this stage: None.

Stage 13. Final Dungeon & Final Battle/s.

Memoria is my all-time favorite Final Fantasy location.

Some games
tend to have absurdly long final dungeons (Eureka in “Final Fantasy III” which I
still consider the most cruel bad joke in that franchise) while others just kinda
throw the last bad guy in your face after a couple of rooms (“Infinite
Undiscovery”). No matter which one it is, there’s always that excitement
when you’re close to finishing a game like this.

Which of course can go to hell if the final dungeon is too frustrating or the final battle ridiculously difficult. What, more hours of grinding and power levelling? No, fuck that. I'd rather just see the ending on YouTube.

You get to
the last chamber (often surrounded by stars and space porn), hear the Final
Boss music, and stop being conservative about your use of items. You also get
to use that ability you had been saving for a rainy day. After four or five
different ‘forms’ and a surprisingly easy fight, you finally get to see the
asshole die and the world is saved. You can now put the controller down.

Possibility of dropping the game at this stage: Moderate.

Games I’ve dropped at this stage: None.

Stage 14. Ending Cinematic.

While most
J-RPGs want to sell the game by putting a shitload of their budget and effort
into the opening and one memorable middle-of-the-way cinematic, they generally
also try to wow you with the ending. Often coupled with a song, you get to see
the way the story wraps. Very rarely is there some big twist at this point—generally we just
see our heroes getting to hear Big Bad’s final speech and then escape the
crumbling premises.

There’s something very fulfilling about seeing the finale of the game. Even the
lamest ones can be moving once you realize that you’re watching the culmination
of ~50 hours of gameplay and that every thing that enraged you about it is
done, not to mention that you finally got to see the plot wrap up (well unless
you’re playing “Xenosaga”).

Yeah this
is pure satisfaction, at least for me. If there was a lot left in the game for
you, there is always the optional final stage:

Optional Final Stage. Side Questing for the LULZ/New Game.

Sometimes
the game is so goddamn good you just don’t want to say goodbye to the
characters and gameplay just because the story is done. Some games allow you
to keep playing despite Big Bad having been defeated, and give you the open
world to explore. A lot of gamers will use this possibility to, of course, try
and finish the game at 100%—something I’ve frankly never bothered with, though I came pretty close in "Final Fantasy VIII".

In the end
that’s that. Put the game back on the shelf and go to forums to read fan
theories and plot analyses. You're done.

J-RPGs are
all about clichés and consistency (“Shin Megami Tensei” and generally Atlus games notwithstanding),
and breaking the rules often results in fans showing you their ass as they walk
out on you. But I think there’s something romantic in that consistency. Despite
knowing the general structure of most games, it’s always cool to play them for
what new detail they’re gonna offer, or what plot twist is gonna rock this one.

The best
ones are the ones that kick your ass and make you waste your entire fucking
week in rage, only to make you tear up with a crazy ending, a beautiful song (sometimes both), and the promise of more.