Gluttony - part four

McGarry's bread roll model – Wolverhampton Wanderers, 1968-1976

A hardline 1970s manager with a reputation for dourness, Bill McGarry had his own singular views of what a player should eat. Prawns, for example, were banned because he believed they weakened the stomach. He took a similar view of bread rolls, carefully counting how many were in the basket to prevent anyone having more than one. The Wolves player Derek Dougan explained: "McGarry believed that bread slowed you down. He thought it sapped your energy." The players had to fill up with steak and chips instead. HP

Molby puts his foot down – Liverpool, 1988

Having imbibed "two or three pints of beer", Liverpool midfielder Jan Molby shouldn't have got behind the steering wheel of his BMW M3 sports car in the early hours of a February morning in 1988. And he really shouldn't have driven on the wrong side of the road, then panicked when a police car asked him to pull over, putting his foot to the floor and wheeching down a 30mph zone at 100mph, skittering through a red light. The chase - "two minutes of madness" - earned him a three-month jail term. Molby was released after six weeks for good behaviour - and immediately contravened the law by being whisked out of stir in the boot of a car in order to avoid press photographers.

Mulligan's bun rap – Ireland, 1980

The Empire Strikes Back was released around the time the Republic of Ireland advertised for a new manager in 1980. Interest in the £16,000-a-year position came mainly from former Irish internationals and after a six-strong shortlist was whittled down to two candidates, Limerick City's manager Eoin Hand was chosen ahead of former Chelsea full-back Paddy Mulligan. Hand won by a single vote, a fact that took on amusing significance when one committee member explained he had voted against Mulligan because he suspected him of being the player who once threw a bun at him on an away trip. The blazer struck back. PD

Neville and the red hedge – Manchester United, 2009

Gary Neville is a Red. His ringtone is "Glory, Glory Manchester United" and, as the song goes, he hates Scousers. So dedicated is he to all things Old Trafford he even has a hedgerow shaped into "MUFC" outside his 12-bedroom mansion near Bolton. "Why can't he grow normal privet hedges like everyone else?" one neighbour was quoted in the Bolton News. "This was once a traditional old farming community and now it looks like something out of Beverly Hills." A funny old Beverly Hills that would be. DT

Nicholas gets chippy – Arsenal, 1986

Historically, footballers have a long and destructive relationship with deep-fried fatty foods - although this is something "Champagne" Charlie Nicholas seems to have taken a bit too literally. Nicholas was on holiday in Ibiza in 1986 when he attempted to steal a chip from a fellow tourist outside a bar. "We're not impressed so go off and pester someone else," said the 28-year-old Lori McElroy. Nicholas responded with a slap to McElroy's face, and ended up in court in Westminster, to be found guilty of assault and ordered to pay £1,200 in damages. Nicholas insists to this day he wasn't the man who struck McElroy, but even so it's not the only time chips have got him in trouble. Thinking his Sky Sports microphone was off while on a punditry gig for a Celtic match in 2007, the presenter Jim White mocked Celtic fans for singing traditional songs about "the tattie famine", to which Nicholas responded: "Aye, and they're all eating chips singing this." SM

Nicholson goes for broke – Football pools, 1961

Nearly half a century has passed since Viv Nicholson won £152,300, 18 shillings and eight pence on a Littlewoods football coupon, but she still remains the most famous - and infamous - pools winner in history. Coming down from her hometown of Castleford in West Yorkshire on the train, she got off at King's Cross and told the waiting press she promised to "spend, spend, spend". The quote would come back to haunt her; she had spent the majority of it within four years, at which point her husband Keith was killed in a car crash, whereupon the taxman took the rest. Her story was retold in the 1999 musical Spend, Spend, Spend starring Barbara Dickson - but her most lasting legacy may well be as cover star of The Smiths' surprisingly jaunty 1984 top-ten hit Heaven Knows, I'm Miserable Now. SM

Parlour games – Arsenal, 1992

Getting drunk just after a match is a bad thing. Getting drunk on a Tuesday night before a match is also a bad thing. Getting drunk immediately before a match that you're quite likely to have to play in is clearly, an extremely bad thing - not that Arsenal's Ray Parlour let that stop him. In the 1992-93 season, having been told he was not part of the squad to face Liverpool, Ray Parlour saw no harm in spending the afternoon in one of the hospitality lounges at Anfield necking lager. About two pints in, however, the midfielder was confronted by the club's assistant manager, Stewart Houston, and told to get kitted-up as one of Arsenal's substitutes had injured himself in the warm-up. Groggy and somewhat giddy, Parlour took comfort from the belief that he would more than likely spend the match slouched on the bench. Imagine his horror then when the manager, George Graham, beckoned the perm-haired player midway through the first half to get his tracksuit off and prepare to take to the pitch. "To be honest I don't remember too much about the game," reflected Parlour recently. "I just ran around not trying to get on the ball too much." SN

Phil Neville's house – Everton, 2008

Footballers' Wives did a decent enough job of bringing us a world of scripted excess and fictionalised flights of tackiness. They needn't have bothered. The real thing is widely available. Phil Neville's house, for example, which announces itself with gilt-edged gates and an unfeasibly long drive, that reveals a beautiful, Grade-II listed mansion set in manicured lawns. Step inside, however, and you'll find a scene of true originality, complete with to-die-for Versace furnishing and monogrammed 'P' and 'J' (that's Phil and Julie) carpets and ceilings. The house was bought for £600,000 10 years ago, and went on the market for £4m last year. It appears to be still on the market. MS

Playing ketchup – Jol's recipe for success, 2004-07

Most people assumed it was a dodgy lasagne (see below) that was Dutch manager Martin Jol's undoing at Tottenham Hotspur. Apparently not. In fact the foodstuffs that really did for Jol were the "sweets, cakes, Tabasco, mayonnaise and Coca-Cola" he allowed his players to scoff at Spurs Lodge. Tabasco! The horror! It was, of all people, Mikel Arteta - a mate of Juande Ramos's fitness coach, Marcos Alvarez - who spilled the beans in an interview with El Mundo Deportivo. Jol was furious, claiming it to be a massive smear campaign against him. Under Jol Spurs finished fifth in the Premier League two seasons in a row. Under Ramos they were heading for relegation when he was sacked. Who to believe? MS

Purse hires chopper – Cardiff City, 2007

Time is, of course money - and particularly so when you spend your mornings kicking a ball about, followed by a long lunch and an afternoon on the PlayStation. So what do you do if you're a Championship player and the club you've decided to join is several hours from your home? Rent a helicopter of course. A career spent playing for Leyton Orient, Oxford United, Birmingham City, West Bromwich Albion and Cardiff City might not sound too glamorous but Darren Purse had no qualms about taking up flying lessons so that he cold use a Robinson R22 helicopter to commute from Stratford-upon-Avon to South Wales. Explaining the thinking behind his decision, Purse said: "It's the best option because I didn't want to take the kids out of a school they're settled in." What an obvious solution. SJ

Puskas crackers – Honved, 1954

When Ferenc Puskas got to Real Madrid, having served an 18-month ban for breaking his contract with Honved by defecting from Hungary, he had to lose 18 kg in six weeks. His weight was always a problem, for the very simple reason that he loved eating. Billy Wright remembers him at the banquet that followed Wolves' victory over Honved in 1954 staying back long after the other guests had left, eating vast quantities of cheese and biscuits - Wright counted him wolf down at least a dozen crackers with butter and Danish blue. JW

Quinn hungry for success – Coventry City, 1992

No list of football gluttony could be complete without a mention of the man whose autobiography is called "Who Ate All the Pies: The Life and Times of Mick Quinn". That title was a reference to the time Quinn rammed the chants of the Aston Villa fans down their throats with a sashaying run and goal while appearing as Coventry City's far-from-svelte No 9. But not even that was the greatest achievement of his sporting career. Quinn saw off all comers by shedding more than 4½ stone (29 kgs) to be crowned ITV's Mr Fit Club 2006 ahead of Bobby George, Anne Diamond and Russell Grant. MS

Ramos's water fall – Real Betis, 2007

When it comes to an insatiable thirst for hurling a random panoply of objects on to the field of play, Spanish fans are among the best. Everyone knows about the infamous pig's head that was launched Luis Figo's way on his return to the Camp Nou. But that was just one object in a catalogue of bizarre missiles that, over the course of his trips to his former club, included a bike chain, golf balls and mobile phones. Oh, and a severed cockerel's head. Then there was the tap at Rayo Vallecano, the lollipops and coins, and the paper airplanes thrown at David Beckham in Pamplona. By the ballboys. Far more serious were the fireworks launched across the stadium when Betis played Sevilla and the frozen water bottle that was thrown at Juande Ramos when the two sides met at the Ruiz de Lopera. Ramos was knocked cold and the culprit was eventually caught. A Betis director insisted that it was an "isolated incident". It most certainly was not. SL

Revie's men put on a show – Leeds United, 1972

Sometimes tough guys do dance. Don Revie's Leeds side have gone down in history for their extreme cynicism, but it should also be noted that during their glory decade of 1965 to 1975, they put on perhaps the greatest display of swashbuckling football in the history of the English league. Against Southampton in 1972, they ran in seven goals without reply - then embarked on a game of keep-ball, Billy Bremner orchestrating with a series of back-heels and insouciant flicks. "Every man jack of this Leeds side is taking it in turns to put on an exhibition," cooed BBC commentator Barry Davies - rather ironically, as Jack Charlton was at the back screaming to join in the exhibition, his team-mates deliberately ignoring him simply to wind him up. Big Jack wasn't the only one annoyed: "Southampton players took exception to it, and rightly so," Bremner recalled years later, a satisfied smile on his face. SM

Razor pie charts – The Ruddock diet plan

Canny managers would always ensure that there was a weight clause in any contract offered to Neil Ruddock. Simon Jordan remembers: "For instance, Fatty Arbuckle, Neil Ruddock, wanted to sign. And Harry Redknapp told me to make sure I had a weight clause in his contract - 98 kilos, or whatever. And if he's over that then fine him 10% of his wages. That is the only way to ensure you get a fit-and-focused Ruddock." Ruddock admitted recently to eating 212 steak and kidney pies per annum. A figure he was able to calculate thanks to his habit, picked up during his time at Liverpool, of recording in an A4 page-a-day diary everything he had eaten on that day. It then becomes an easy task for his partner Leah Newman (ex Page 3 and Playboy model) to come up with various graphs and charts detailing the different constituent parts of the Razor Diet. Possibly not destined to become a bestseller. WB