Thursday, October 22, 2009

Insecurity and solitude are the two things which I feel one need to be panicked about in life . Tonight when I was lying on my bed talking to my friend I felt it for the first time that I 'm dipping into little circles of solitude and Insecurity and I myself will enlarge it making it impossible for me to plea for a revival. I had taken up a decision to live alone long back then was confident with strong reasons backing my strength to think so and two best pals smiling on my left and right side when I turned my head I could only blindly see their smile and I was content and slept closing my eyelids so tight for going blind with them was well perfect for me.

Now when they have love spurting and spaces filled with ecstasy , I feel I ' m a stranger lost and abandoned on a sea shore who could not enjoy the sea any more but rather its roaring felt scary. I'm shrunk into myself , making my world look more smaller than it was and only guest there is called silence which is noisy than the peal of a giant bell.

Life is an experience which is not the same experience for all , but it wraps different things differently for us and its more of sharing and giving like we do share feelings , love , BED, care and all under the sky with the loved ones. When you don't have someone dear to love in a moonlit night , to hold and kiss in dark room , to hug and whisper in a winter ..then you missed some rare gifts from life.

We learn lessons through out our life from mistakes we do , from experiences and of course from others . But the most relevant and crucial lesson should be that , that you cant survive with out love and care , should be loved and cared and should love and care..what is life without these ..I know I learnt Friends and family cant be a substitute for someone special ... for I tell you having a vacant heart is more heavier than it is being occupied.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Its been a long time since I have written and posted something here..Reasons could be

1) I get too lazy to type something

2) I go so blank that nothing influence or inspire to write

3) I have hell lot of other things to be with

4) finally ..everything around me went so fine as I ever wished.

Though I had lots of reasons to pen down but still cant pick prominent one among those put across.

ooh and I missed one very good reason... I don't have readers :))

Times were not so good , As when I count few of my loses , Kamal Das's Death tops the list...Through out my life I have seen people passing away from relatives , friends to unseen adorable celebrities ..but her death desperately soaked my eyes , watching her past interviews ,Procession carrying her corpse , her funeral service ..everything made me Lament.

When I came back to Kerala to continue my studies ..the first person to read in malayalam literature was she ..It was then I started learning malayalam , and her words were so simple and perfumed to grab and store in my memory pages..A lady who was bold that when she shook her pen those tiny blobs splashed on the paper were even shaped and more beautiful with the musk of love and myriad expressions. Initially I connected with her only for her love for her Granny ..I cherished all those lovely moments I spent with my Grandma during my vacation time in kerala through her childhood memoirs .

When Grown up I found a painter , a Philanthropist , a mother , a lover , a philosopher everything in her ...ooh what not she was a complete woman..a sensible and intelligent woman..and moreover born humane ..who spoke sense which were so modern thoughts that the outdated society here couldn't make out or pace with it. I cant write more about her, Despite of trying hard, finally I will fail ...you can go to an ocean and see it , but can never measure it.

The greatest miss again was it that I couldn't meet her ..she was the only person whom I wished to meet in person in my life so far...My friend Sarika's bother had treated her during her last months in kerala and he was a regular visitor at her residence in Kadavanthra , kochi..Though Sarika loved her very much , but she never had the courage to meet her after her repeated invites , In our view her bother was gifted and blessed to receive lots of gifts from Kamala Das , many books of her duly signed . Poor guy when met her for the first time didnt know much about her and when she asked once " dont you know me??" he perspired and was perplexed, later he had to take a tuition from Sarika on Kamala 's literary work so that he could talk to her leveling his head.

Once when I have visited sarika at her home she had shown me a letter which kamala had written to Him ,it was a beautifully composed Thanks giving letter..Irony is that she and her father had to search in the dictionary to understand the meanings of few words she had written ..and ultimate happiness for me is that both of my best friends are really great fans of her literary works..

I have almost all of her books in my private collection. final tribute paid my keralites on her death is memorable and sure no writer will ever get such a farewell in near future , as everyone who went to see her for the last time had tint of water in their eyes..she had gone thats true but the many stories which she planted and watered will keep on growing and those flowers bloomed out of her will spread that mesmerising fragrance attracting millions towards her writings...

deeply from my heart : Kamala I miss you!!

"lights are Moving on the shore But I shall not return Sea , toss my body back That he knew how to love, Bereft of body My soul shall be free Take in my naked soul That he knew how to hurt Only the soul Knows how to sing At the Vortex of the sea.." from " Only the soul knows How to sing"

Friend you were true and pure to meresplendent colors and images you gifted meIn my hands that magic brings me back to lifeego and hate had no place to stayin between usnothing but affection rarely expressed spreadDawns to Dusks and years to years you remain friend.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

By me for writing Often , not so but always relationships and lives around me were the commonly picked topics..So guess what? I cant write something other than that. When Iam trying to type , I feel my fingers are aching as this keyboard is not at all friendly to me any more..showing its protest or is it becoz of those suppressed feelings hesitate and resist to come out thru my fingers? dont know really. Today Its Valentine's Day..Though Indian youths started celebrating and taken advantage of this day in a very recent past. It's been years since Iam 18 , sad or lucky to say no one had turned up with roses or with that sweet wink of eye to me to say the most beautiful words I consider in this world on Feb 14th. Whenever I was in relationships , that would have been started after this date or would end before this much awaited beautiful love date .It had passed and spent as a very ordinary day as usual. so ultimately I dint get a chance to love someone on this particular date. Thats my Valentine story. I have been writing letters and sometimes buying cards too for that someone special . Truly speaking Differently and unusually I received a call on 5th of Feb , which brought a tint of love along with it. I spent hours on my phone till 13th as it mostly took me to some world , a world I Dreamt of and this year , today on Valentine's day instead of me falling into love , that 9 days old love died .

And ended in watching Award sweeper SlumDog Millionaire .Its Valentine's Day so you sway this way!!

Relationships Fascinates, scents , drives , scares and kills too..but again again we fall into it though we know about it. Love defeats magnets in power of attraction I bet you!

I slept with my pillow , gripped it as one and only friend . How lonely I spent nights and whole seasons?

But you put hands on different shoulders , flirted here and there, perhaps kissed many lips, spent most splendid hours , yes I imagine it was so , I failed to fasten you with what i had, but only entertained.

I never knew once you would leave , I never knew anything even the likes and dislikes of my mind and body

I was insensible and lorn , like the lotus dying outside the pond.

I failed forever to pace with time , you and world

And only the fraction of my love grappled you often....

here the page ends... but a question troubles me now on 11-01-2009 , Iam asking" hey do you remember me ? if so then how often? do you feel the same for me?

Sometimes its tough to walk down the memory lane with ease , you may get hurt even after years!!

Thank you For visiting !

Welcome readers ! I dont promise you any new experience or some great literary articles here .but Iam sure these reflections of life would have had questioned you once or would have perplexed you at a juncture of your life. If you are reading , request you to post your comments too .