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Wow, it has been a bit since I have blogged! a brief update. I am 25 days grain and sugar-free and loving it. I continue to have high energy and am now noticing that my mood has been pretty level. No crazy hi’s and lows. I am curious to see what happens during my cycle when I tend to have really crazy mood swings. (Sorry boys if that is TMI!) I am working on the affirmations Daniel has suggested I do, continuing to read Nourishing Traditions and am working on getting at least 8 hours of sleep each night. All is well my entrance to Paleo. Crossfit is AWESOME!!! More on that later.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a triathlon with my girl Jen. She was participating and I, since I am not doing races this year, was the designated towel girl. This position is critical on race day! Aaron has been my towel boy in the past. Jen, did absolutely amazing, despite a change in the swim plan making it a serpentine swim in a pool instead of an open water swim. SHe took 10 minutes off her bike time and 10 minutes off her run time!

When she finished, we went to breakfast and were planning the rest of our day together. This stopped us in our tracks as we both recalled the first ever tri we did together.

It was a sprint tri back in 2009 and we were both on relay teams. We would both only be swimming. We had bikers and runners lined up. We did great. We finished what we planned to do.

And then we were DONE. Spent. Finished. There was no planning the rest of our day. Our day was done. We napped and ate.

And now, we finish the full triathlon and are busy planning what ELSE we are gonna do that day.

What a difference 3 years makes…

I love this girl in my life!

Jen and I in Nashville

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It is 12:40 AM and I am awake. This normally is pretty routine for me and no big deal. However earlier tonight as I was leaving work at 5:30 I was feeling tired. Really tired. My eyes had that exhausted burning feeling of someone who hasn’t slept in days. (This is not true of me, just the way my body felt) As I tried to plan my run route in my head, knowing I had 5-6 miles to do tonight, I felt tears come to my eyes.

I can’t do it.

I need to sleep.

I was extremely hungry, far more so than usual for right after work and just wanted to eat. Not in an unhealthy way, mind you.

But I need to run. My plan calls for a run. How can I not run?

I texted Aaron and Coach to let them know I was considering not running and why. I think what I was really looking for was someone to tell me that it is ok if I don’t run. That it won’t mean I am a failure or that Nashville won’t happen if I don’t run one night.

Coach gave that to me and I really started crying. I felt so relieved. Like the pressure that had been building was suddenly released.

But then I heard from Aaron, who encouraged me to just go one mile at a time. I thought, I can do one mile. If I can just start I am sure I can do one mile. Maybe that is what I will do. Commit to one and only one and see from there…but not until after I got some food in me.

As I continued home, I planned a one mile run route and I felt ok. Still exhausted but mentally I felt like I could do one mile.

I got home, made some dinner, and tracked my calories for the dietitian. While doing this, I was still thinking about and wondering why I am so exhausted. The last several nights I have been falling asleep before 11PM (unheard of for me) and waking up at my normal time. Here is what I came to.

For one month now, I have been running intensely 4 days a week.

According to my Polar, I have been burning more and more calories with each workout…often over 1000 calories a run.

In the last 2 weeks, I have begun adding strength training with Jessica and on my own.

The last 2 weeks have been 6 days a week of very intense workouts.

My calorie intake has not changed. Still working at 1800 a day.

My conclusion. I think my body is just exhausted and if my calorie burns are remotely accurate then my calorie intake is CLEARLY not sufficient to fuel my body and I don’t think any amount of sleep is gonna really help.

I have noticed that any food I do put in my body lasts about an hour before I am hungry (starving) again. My body is burning what it gets really quickly which I am sure is a result of strength training or perhaps from my body finally trying to get me to understand that I am NOT helping it function well.

I talked to Jen tonight too while eating dinner. She said this to me. “Kimmie K, oh how far you have come that you are crying because you don’t want to miss a run but you need to listen to your body!”

So I decided, for my mental and physical health, I was going to finish dinner and go to bed without running. Yes, I decided not to run. So by 8:30, I was in my jammies and in bed and suddenly I couldn’t fall asleep. I just kept thinking, I should at least go do one mile.

I think I have flipped over to the crazy side of exercise obsession…not good folks, not good.

I forced myself to stay in bed and to simply lay there and to simply let my body rest.

A little while ago, I woke up. Very hungry. I figured it must be almost time to wake up so I went to the bathroom, looked at my watch and saw that it was only 12:15 AM. Shit! I slept for 2 hours, sort of, and now am wide awake, HUNGRY, and trying to figure out what to do and what is going on.

I know that now that I feel my emotions more, it can cause me to not be able to sleep…but I am not sure what is going on there, other than the earlier emotions I talked of. My eyes still burn with that really tired feeling but I can’t sleep. I am melting down folks as I struggle to find the balance I need for success. The balance I said this year would be full of and the grace I need to be able to let the balance happen. I feel out of control. Oh crap…THAT is probably the sleeplessness…that is what it was when Crazy Kate visited last…and that is a primary feeling right now. Good grief…I need to give this up!

I am not sure I am going to be able to keep up this 6-7 day a week schedule. On Monday, I will talk to Jess. On Thursday I will talk to the dietitian who happens to be running Nashville too! Tomorrow, I will stop by the running store and see if they can’t help me tweak my run schedule/plan. Perhaps I can take my running down to 3 days a week so I can do strength training 3 days a week. Perhaps I will lower my expectations for Nashville and give myself a mental break and tell myself it is ok if I walk portions of it. Right now I have it in my head that it is only a success if I RUN the whole thing straight.

Right now, my schedule calls for 7 days 4 run, 3 strength…I just haven’t been able to do it yet!

This journey continues to be about whole health, not just losing weight or running a half-marathon. This means I need to sometimes look at the big picture and take a time out so that my body can be better in the long run.

I know this is rambling all over the place. This is more for me to get my thoughts out of my head so perhaps I can sleep…hopefully.

A week ago, I went out with my friend Jen for a bike ride. I have to say here, Jen has incredible endurance. She doesn’t ride fast like Coach, but I swear she can ride forever! Oh to be like her! After 18 miles I was DONE, but could not be done, because we were not at our cars yet. I still had 4 more miles to go! So I pedaled on. I ended up riding 22 miles, which I have NEVER done before! It was ridiculous!

During our ride, she was admiring my new black bike and asked me what I was going to name it.

Name it?!?!

I had not even thought about naming my bike. So as we rode, we thought of some names.

Black Beauty

Slim Shady

Black Widow

and Wind something…maybe Wind Rider were some of the ideas we came up with.

As we thought of names I realized if I was going to name this bike it had to represent me. Feminine, yet strong. It couldn’t be something all frilly and froo froo…because I am not. It also had to represent what I am about…living, not dying. My bike is a tool for living. It is going to carry me for many miles along this journey and therefore is strong in itself.

Just as we reached the turnaround point of our ride, I joked that I should name the bike Beyonce, because I LOVE the song “Single Ladies”. Jen then told me that Beyonce has an alter ego, named Sasha Fierce. I liked it.

This is what Beyonce says about Sasha Fierce:

“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am,” the former Destiny’s Child front woman said in a statement.

“Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage.”-Beyonce

When I am working out or training or in a race, a fierce competitor comes out of me. I want to do and be my best. And as the pounds come off a new me is being revealed. This journey hasn’t so much protected me as much as it has revealed me. A fierce, fighting ME. One who will not give up.

But I liked that the name is fun and funky…and fierce.

So the final suggestion came. Sasha Fierce. It seemed to fit. It stuck.

So, meet Sasha Fierce. The one who will carry me many miles…who will help me live bigger…who will help me fly next spring/summer in a few triathlons and who likes to show me who is boss form time to time!