You're right, it's the pump attendant's fault

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Long-suffering service station worker Cameron Newling puts a match to petrol price myths.

It seems the recent petrol price hikes have given the general public a green light to abuse service station attendants every time they fill up their car. Having worked in a petrol station for the last five years, I would like to set the record straight on petrol pricing.

Yes, Mr and Mrs General Public, it is my fault. I am personally responsible for creating that sizzling hole in your pocket where your money used to be back in the good old days when petrol was cheaper. Forget what the powers that be are saying, the price at the bowser has absolutely nothing to do with governments taking nearly half in excise, fluctuating oil prices due to twitchy OPEC countries or the prospect of dwindling oil reserves.

You could not be more correct when you come storming into the store, furious that it cost you $50 to fill up when it used to cost you $45.42, and snarl to the attendant, i.e. me, "You're ripping me off." Indeed I am. Yes, little did you know that all the profits taken from petrol actually go straight into the pocket of the attendant, not to the oil companies or the Government.

What's more, to make myself even wealthier, I meet once a week with all the other petrol station attendants from around the state in a secret location and plot to increase the price of petrol even more. It's not like the majority of us actually have anything better to do, such as spending five days a week at university and working nights so we can survive.

The thing is I really enjoy being abused by you, so feel free to keep it up. Please, abuse me more. In fact, while you're at it, why not give me your opinion on the price of our cigarettes and chocolate bars too? Go on, I've got lots of time to kill, and please, don't worry about the growing queue of people behind you.

You see, because I am becoming fabulously wealthy charging you astronomical prices for petrol, I've decided to up the price of our store products too. Maybe this would be justified if a typical service station made only a couple of cents per litre for fuel, but as I've said before this concept is clearly incorrect.

Now, there's another thing I would like to clear up: when the chocolate bar you're buying doesn't scan properly and you exclaim with glee, "Oh it must be free then," you are, once again, correct. Likewise, when you tell me "I can get this loaf of bread at the supermarket for 30 cents less," you're also right. Perhaps the next time I'm at work I'll put up a sign out the front informing everyone of this stunning revelation.

Even better, I may suggest to my manager that we should charge the same low prices as supermarkets. Then perhaps we could somehow combine the supermarket with the petrol station. Oh hang on, that's already happened, right?

Readers are invited to apply wit to anything that makes the blood boil. Send 600 words, with day and evening phone numbers, to heckler@smh.com.au. Submissions may be edited and published on the internet.