Phones. Mine still works.

People are obsessed and in love with their phones. "No, no. I don't have a kid. This is a stroller to hold my phone. Want to see it? Don't touch it!" I didn't fall into the phone craze. People make fun of my phone all the time:

“A flip phone? God, do you own parachute pants and live in the ’90s?”

First of all. I would love parachute pants. I would even enjoy a parachute shirt and shoes. Secondly, do you know what phones did in the ’90s? They PHONED! I don’t have a stick with buttons on it. It's not a rock that I have placed a keypad on. I have a phone that calls people. People go on as if things were so bad just a few years ago.

“I got the iPhone 4! Not that iPhone 3 trash. That's so last month. Everyone knows phones didn't work last month.”

As if having the iPhone 3 means you live in a trash can, eating rats and begging for change.

“You got any change?”

“Whoa, hope things pick up for him. I bet he has the first iPhone. Sad.”

The actual phone is not better, it just has more junk added to it. The ACTUAL phone option is done. You talk into one end, and someone on another phone, across the world, can hear you. That’s amazing! That’s why when a new phone comes out, they never say, “This phone is clearer than other phones. The phone option on this phone is so much better than on past phones. You can hear so well!”

They can’t say that, so they just add to the phone.

“Hey, get this new phone! This phone is amazing! It has a camera, it has GPS, it has faster Internet, it has games, lightsabers, it even has a cat that you can talk to, and the cat will repeat back what you said! Who doesn't want that!"

The phone option stays the same.

“Man, can you make this phone clearer?”

“Yeah, sure. Here’s a video game. Have a good day!”

“But the phone is the same.”

“No, you didn’t have that game before. You take penalty kicks. The phone’s way better now!”

People play these games so much too! When I had a Game Boy, I played it when I WASN'T around my TV and actual Nintendo system. When I played it, I thought, “I can’t wait to get home and play on my actual TV. Mario is the size of a Tic Tac!”

Now people play their phone games at home!

“Hey man, want to play some Xbox?”

“What, on a big screen with controllers and comfort? No way man. These birds are pissed! I better straighten this out on this tiny screen."

Why do people even want a game on their phone? I never wished that my Super Nintendo could make a call.

“Mario Kart is pretty sweet, but I can't believe I have to use another device to call my friend. God Mario. Even when I WIN I can't make a call? Just ridiculous."

Why don't people want phones on games? Why not a landline with games? Why not sell landlines that are attached to big pinball machines?

“Yeah, sorry I hung up on you, man. The ball went into the cancel call hole. Win some, lose some. Yo, I just got a long distance ball! Gotta call my mom man. Later”

Watching movies on your phone? Has to be the worst thing people do. ANYONE who watches a movie on their phone is a pretentious cocksucker. It is equivalent to playing polo while being fitted for a jacket with tails and shopping for faberge eggs. Again, why is this something people want?

The commercials that show people doing this too are great. "Hi, I'm on a bus, and I'm watching the latest movie on my new Rogers Super power wicked I'm awesome phone!" I always wish the commercial would end with "Hey, buddy. If you have that phone, why are you on this bus? You know what I have? A transfer and a drinking problem. And another thing ...(pukes everywhere).

The phone was supposed to keep people connected, and it does. But it doesn’t connect you to the people around you. It keeps you connected to people who are not in the room! You see people at restaurants, sitting in a booth, not talking to each other, but TEXTING! Because the phone is not used to keep you connected now, it's used to see if where you are is as good as where OTHER people are.

“Yeah, I'm just on a date right now. What are you up to? Watching Must Love Dogs? Man, I love that movie. I’m on my way!”

[Phone rings.]

“Hi, hello? What’s going on? Something, somewhere?! Please tell me something is happening! Get me out of the boredom that is this U2 concert!"

Phones keep everyone in their own little worlds. Everyone is in their own little bubble. It’s called the iPhone. The iPhone. Not the wePhone. Not the usPhone. Not the love-thy-neighbourPhone –– the “I, this is my world, and my phone, and get the hell out of my way-phone.”

You hear people go on: “My phone is so sweet. I can find restaurants, tell people where I am and check in to that place, find out how the waves are before I hit the beach, and I can take pictures of things while I’m doing them so I can remember what I did earlier. It’s great!”

“Do you even feel anymore? Have any actual thoughts or emotions run through your body?”