Oh, Gwyneth Paltrow. Is there anything she can't do? Other than be a normal human being for five minutes without irritating the crap out of everyone?

Everyone's favorite helpful-advice-dishing working mom (she's just like Us!) has come out with a brand new way for you to feel like a second-class citizen. Oddly enough, it's a cookbook, which seems weird because whatever Gwyneth, like you eat.

Could I use some butter and cheese and eggs in my cooking without going down some kind of hippie shame spiral? Yes. Of course I could.

Right away I'm nearly overcome by Gwyneth's fortitude and strength of spirit. Somehow, she managed to bring herself to use "some" butter and cheese and eggs—without curling up on the heated marble floors of her 10,000 square foot kitchen and sobbing over how she gave in to the Man. Goddess bless you, Gwynnie.

The stove is really the epicenter of my house — I am never far away from it and most of the time there is something atop it, simmering away for my family.

Tended, naturally, by her team of assistants, chefs, and fishmongers.

During the strict macrobiotic chapter of my life, I ate miso soup every day for breakfast and sometimes with dinner as well.

"Which is why I can't understand when women say they have a difficult time maintaining 8 percent body fat like me. It's simple! Just substitute miso soup for everything you normally eat. God, you people disgust me."

We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made.

Not that she eats pizza. She uses it to incinerate the members of her gardening staff who don't properly maintain the calla lilies.

I know, I know: there's no reason to be so snarky about a woman who's not only an acclaimed actress, she's really working her butt off to create her own lifestyle empire. So I won't keep making fun of her. Respect, Gwyneth.