Unemployment down as voting on reality shows reclassed as ‘a job’

New government figures show that unemployment has continued to fall, with many now working from home on their sofa and phoning in remotely to reality shows.

Over one and a half million new jobs have been created in the emerging ‘telecoms democracy’ sector, with ITV leading the surge of interest into completely pointless territory.

For many, the transition into part-time thought has been hard. Choosing a celebrity to stuff with widgity grubs has been the first decision some have made since the last series of Big Brother.

Workers in the new segment have called for extra support from the government, with anti-social hours and tedium making many consider quitting.

“It can be hard to motivate yourself every evening to roll over a bit and reach under your buttock for your mobile”, complained Stacey Ballon, as she struggled to hold down her weekend jobs with X Factor and Strictly.

“It actually costs me money to do this work, but you have to set an example to your kids.”

“I’d hate to think of them sat here some day, not bothering to participate.”

Ballon can make as many as nine calls on a busy evening, finishing off with one to Wonga to borrow enough to cover the phone bill.

Telecoms democracy

William Hague has promised to look into increasing allowances for child care.

“Our schools need to adapt to shifting markets and reflect these changes in society”, claimed Hague.

“If the under 12s spend less time on their homework, they could spend more time fetching biscuits from the kitchen for these workers.”

Inequality is rife, and men in particular face exploitation.

Watching a group whining in a jungle can be too much for many of them to bear. “I try to keep my chin up”, insisted Ballon’s boyfriend Dave.

“But I’m not sure there’s much job satisfaction. Still, it’s nice to vote for Nadine Dorres on speed-dial, and I always tweet when I’m told.”

“But day in, day out, the monotony is killing me. I sometimes think I might pack this all in tomorrow, and go and vote for a police commissioner.”