Is anyone considering not letting the dealer do the initial wash and cr@p wax? I'd rather not Zaino a car with fresh swirls from some minimum wage flunky. Too harsh?

No you're being reasonable. Most dealers can't prep for beans. You can either tell the dealer not to touch the car at all (leave the plastic on the panels), or you can tell them to take off the plastic and remove the cosmoline, but not wash or detail it in any way after that.