duminică, 21 noiembrie 2010

I don't like talking about my childish crushes, and it's the last time I do (I hope), but it was all I could write about...So I'm gonna just say that my feelings go like a roller coaster...I thought that I'm on the "moving on" path, but clearly I'm not...So, I took this one out of my chest and I'm not going to try to rush getting to the move on part, cause is not working, so...I'll just try not to think about it and fill my mind and schedule with something constructive.

How can I think I'm standing strong,Yet feel the air beneath my feet?How can happiness feel so wrong?How can misery feel so sweet?How can you let me watch you sleep,Then break my dreams the way you do?How can I have got in so deep?Why did I fall in love with you?This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever beenFeeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,I was never crazy on my own…And now I know that there's a link between the two,Being close to craziness and being close to you.How can you make me fall apartThen break my fall with loving lies?It's so easy to break a heart;It's so easy to close your eyes.How can you treat me like a childYet like a child I yearn for you?How can anyone feel so wild?How can anyone feel so blue?

sâmbătă, 6 noiembrie 2010

For the past three years Psychology has taught me that you can never feel life, love, joy, disappointment, happiness, sadness and all the other feelings, more intense then when you're young. Also, I thought that you can't truly understand what that means until you're mature and you see that what you feel now is stable, but not so intense like it was when you were a teen or in your early twenty's, but I think now I do. And that's why I'm afraid I'm waisting my time being alone and miserable when I could be out there living my life, falling for some guy, have my heart broken and swear I would never be so stupid to buy that crap and then go ahead and do it all over again.
I think people don't feel life and the feelings that come with it at the same intensity later in life because they have jobs, responsibilities, maybe families, and caught in all that, people just forget why they got all of those things in the first place - to be happy, to feel alive, loved, to matter, to make a difference in someone else's life. And even if they don't have those things, and theoretically they could feel at the same intensity, chase after dreams and risk it all for one person who they think is either "the love of their life" or " their soul-mate", they just don't because society teaches them that this is not how a "grown up" should act, this is the way kids act, impulsive, reckless, like their whole life depends on it....but hey! it kinda does!

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On the other hand...I don't just wanna fall for SOME guy, I want a GREAT guy, because that's the only way I can fall...and that's kinda hard to find, especially when you stay all day long hiding in your dorm and all night in some random club where you just don't give a chance to anybody (cause honestly...you're gonna meet your "soul-mate" in a club? not very romantic...and not something to tell to your grandchildren neither).
And I want to BE great, I want to change the way people think is "normal" to treat other people...I want them to see that is not so hard to be kind, and to understand each other, and to search for the good side in one's personality, cause everybody has a good side, and in fact, the "bad side" is actually a potentially good side that either learned socially to be bad or was good but traumatized, and the "being bad" is a defense form.

miercuri, 3 noiembrie 2010

Today I had an amazing day...
It started when I woke up with an empty text message from a number I didn't know. That instantly remainded me about HIM and my heart started pumping so fast, because I hopped it was him, though I knew it couldn't be. Anyway...thinking about that I decided to response with an empty text message and I did. The answer made me realise someone definitely got the wrong number, but it was very funny. So that text message made me wake up in a good mood. It gave me the confirmation that I needed to keep living my life the way I do, even if sometimes it seems that all the effort that I make to bring a little light around my world it's in vain, to keep seeing things the way I do, even if people say that it's unrealistic and utopian.
Also, those text messages made me realise another thing. Lately I've been thinking that I found the path to getting over HIM, taking baby steps, but on my way. Well...this morning (actualy it was 1 p.m. when I woke up), when my heart was beatting out of my chest I realised that I was nowhere near that path...but it's ok...I enjoy this feeling that I have.
This experience let me to the conclusion that I don't have to search for love every day, all the time...I can take a break, in fact I should stop my search, cause love is not something that you plan, it happens, so... I don't have to waste time and energy on it. I'm supposed to be living my life and chasing my dreams.
Ow...and it wasn't the wrong number...not my dream boy either.