M:
Cook yourself. (sits down at the table ) I'm hungry! What's for
supper? You sure you don't have any smokes for me? (butts out his cig
and stands up) What about the rainy day fund? (walks to the entrance
where there are shelves. Finds a container with change. Shakes it and
does a few cha cha steps, puts it on the table)

M:
(emphatically) I need smokes! (throws up his hands) If I don't get
some, I'll be irritable and won't stay as long. You won't like me as
much. (starts to open the container)

S:
(puts down peeler, leaves sink and goes to table) OK, I want the big
money (M dumps change on the table. S scrambles, along with him, to
pick up loonies and toonies. He gets a few and seizes as many
quarters as he can. Counts change in palm while S. puts coins back in
container and puts it back on the shelf.)

M:
(puts coat on and starts to leave) I'll be back in five minutes.
(leaves)

S:
(checks oven to make sure it's empty, turns it on, peels vegetables,
sets table, sings under her breath, Did You Tell Her. Phone rings in
other room, she leaves to answer it as M enters.)

M:
(unwraps cigs and starts to smoke. There is a radio on the table and
he fiddles with the dial and gets jazz station. Mac the Knife is
playing and he dances a bit as he moves around the table and sits
down at laptop)

S:
(reenters room) Oh, you're back. Did you get what you need?

M:
(ignoring her) Yup.

S:
(resumes cooking while M pushes laptop aside and plays with items on
a tray in the middle of the table. He handles various items and when
he sees what he likes, he examines it)

M:
This is mine. (he goes to pocket the item)

S:
What? (as she turns to see what he has) Oh, you can have that.

M: (being sweet as pie) Susan, remember when you said you'd bought me some things, did you
really buy me something?

S:
Yes, I'll get it for you after supper. Did you want to help?

M:
No. (pulls laptop towards him and starts surfing the net)

S:
What are you doing?

M:
Noth-ing.

S:
(somewhat exasperated) Here's my theory. Men used to come over and
rearrange the stereo, crank up the bass, change AM to FM or they'd
find some obscure program from overseas, some middle-of-the night
Dutch news thing but now when they come over, they hack into your the
computer and put down their favourites, bookmark their pages, change
the wall paper. I had one friend who bookmarked all the stock
exchanges. Barrick fucking Gold! What was that about? On my computer!

M:
Supper ready yet? (as he continues to fool with the laptop)

S: (exasperated) Do I have to do it all myself?

M:
Yes. (raises his head from the computer) I'll mash the potatoes.

Act
1, Scene ii

Same
locale as Scene i, Couple sit at the table. M is finished eating, S,
not yet. M gets ashtray and lights up a cig.

S:
(look of distaste on her face, she does not finish her supper but
starts to clear the table)

Would
you like some tea or coffee, Max?

M:
(testy) You know I never drink that here. You know this so why do you
keep on asking me?

S:
(looks at him but does not answer) Uh huh.

M:
I need shampoo. Do you have any of those little bottles they give out
at hotels? And what about canned goods. Do you have any soup I can
have? Any ground coffee?

(he
goes to shelves that form the pantry to one side of the room, finds a
cloth grocery bag and starts to load it. Then he goes to the fridge
and takes a pound of butter, salad dressing, eggs. Opens freezer and
helps himself to steak and a whole chicken.)

S:
(watching him, used to it) What is it about a younger man and an
older woman's fridge?

M:
(looks at her and smirks)

S:
Do you need some potatoes? (goes towards a 10 pound bag on floor at
side of cupboards, picks up some) mmmm, mashed potatoes, baked
potatoes, home fries.

M:
No. But I'll need more smokes before the morning. Do you have ten
bucks? I really need smokes.

S:
No, I don't. Get your friends to give you cigarettes. It's time quit
anyway.

M:
(wheedling) I neeeeed smokes.

S:
I don't care.

M:
Please. I really, really need them.

S:
Max, who put me in charge of your addictions?

M:
You did!

S:
I gotta go pee (exits through other door)

M:
(starts going through change purses he finds in a basket on top of
the fridge. He gets the change container and dumps the money into his hand.)

S
(returns. He shows her the handful of change.)

M: I
need four more dollars. This isn't enough. Where is there more? I've
been looking but I can't find it. Bet you know where it is. Come on,
you know where it is.

(he
turns a bowl of fruit upside down, discarding contents on the floor.
he empties 20-some pencils from a pencil holder onto the kitchen
table as he pretends to look for money.)

S:
(stares in disbelief, squeaks out) Stop. Stop it!

M:
Don't you? I know you know where it is.

(he
continues to pick up things and turns them over, emptying whatever's
in them them either on the floor or couch or table. Takes spice
bottles from above the stove and empties them into the sink. Takes
side plates from the cupboard and puts them on the stove while
pretending to look for money in between them, throws cushions on
kitchen chairs to the floor. He starts to careen around the room,
like a demented pinball. Topples the ironing board and almost the
bookcase. As he caroms into the fridge, most of the magnets fall to
he ground.

M:
Oh, what have we here? (as a piece de resistance, he locates a can of
pennies and slowly empties them on to the floor. Wicked smile on his
face.) I told you. I. Need. Smokes.