Worcester City Council: Land of let's pretend

As we know, the City Council Subcommittee to Pretend to Listen to Voters is holding a series of public meetings to solicit input on the fake Worcester city manager search process.

This is called "Democracy in action, " also known as "pandering to the populace," with the added benefit of enabling the council to stall, drag its feet and place any viable proposals "on hold," a parliamentary procedure the council enjoys almost as much as its next favorite pastime of being publicly mean to Konnie Lukes.

The first of these pretend listening sessions was postponed due to snow, and we can safely assume that the next pretend session Feb. 26 will also be postponed due to snow. Even though it's too early for the weather forecast, let's face it — it will never, ever stop snowing. You will be shoveling your driveway until your frozen decrepit body collapses in a snowbank, and I say "you" because I live in a condo and am thus impervious to snow, but I don't like to gloat except to note that during big snowstorms I tend to stay in my pajamas and giggle.

But the weather has cooperated perfectly for this snow job of a selection process, which is bogus for two reason:

1. The council hopes current manager Ed Augustus keeps the post and it's his if he wants it, precluding the revelation of a juicy political scandal involving body parts. Even though his contract stipulates that he'll only serve for nine months, the fine print allows either party "to negate, nullify or otherwise pull a fast one forthwith notwithstanding pursuant to." Or something like that.

2. The chairman of the council subcommittee is Phil Palmieri, who is incapable of holding "listening sessions" because he tends to do all the talking.

But because the council pretends it wants input from residents about what they desire in the next city manager, I say we pretend to give it to them. So, in no particular order, here's a partial list of the skills we require:

Good Hair: Research shows a clear correlation between healthy follicles and leadership ability. Michael O'Brien had good hair and he rocked.

The backbone to suggest that labor unions stuff it: But in a good way.

The ability to say no: Simply place tongue on the roof of one's mouth to form the NNNN sound.

A healthy vocabulary of bureaucrat speak: This tool is invaluable when you want to say no (see above), but wish to avoid the consequences. For example, rather than inform a councilor that you plan to fund his latest hair-brained project when monkeys fly out of your pants, say something like this — "An extensive review of municipal finances provides strong indications of a negative-sum result that precludes immediate implementation of any capital expenditures yadda yadda." Continue speaking in this manner until the councilor skitters away in alarm, or falls asleep.

The patience to listen to a bunch of political dilettantes tell you how to do your job every week, when you could dance administrative circles around the whole darn lot of them: O'Brien maintained this skill for years, but it eventually wore him down.

The finesse to pretend that the council is setting policy when you're actually running the whole shebang behind the scenes. This skill is a prerequisite to ensure the smooth functioning of Plan E government.

A good sense of humor: This is essential not only for the manager's mental health, but it's fun for journalists forced to cover meetings in which virtually everything, including the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance, is placed on hold.

Contact Dianne Williamson at dwilliamson@telegram.com

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