A Krampus Christmas

For those of you who don't know, Krampus is a tradition in Eastern Europe. He is a mythological demon creature that accompanies Saint Nicholas around the world on his sleigh, so he can go around beating the s**t out of naughty kids with sticks. I thought he deserved a nice Christmas song.

Submitted:Dec 20, 2010
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TV-PG L

BROUGHT TO YOU BY COCA-COLA

"NEO NETWORK PRESENTS: A KRAMPUS CHRISTMAS"

(We start with Sean Byrne in front of a fireplace with a pipe.)

SEAN BYRNE: Hello. Welcome to "A Krampus Christmas". Tonight we
are going to celebrate one of the many fine things about
Christmas in Eastern Europe. Krampus. Who's Krampus? Ask him
yourself.

(Krampus walks in. He is a demonic creature with horns and is
holding sticks.)

KRAMPUS: My name is Krampus and on Christmas night, while you are
hoping for Santa Claus you'll receive quite a fright, when you
realize that you're in a fight…for your life…with Krampus. I will
sneak into your house while Saint Nicholas waits outside…I will
make you piss your blouse when you see me walking by…If you've
been naughty I will whack you with my many strong, strong sticks.
And I even might throw you in a stream, just for kicks.

SEAN: Why, mista Krampus, why must you do it?

KRAMPUS: Because if I don't, then you'll never learn your lesson.

SEAN: But, mista Krampus, can't you find another way?

KRAMPUS: Would you rather me talk about the stupid s**t you do
all day?

SEAN: Yes, Mista Krampus, diplomacy is the key!

KRAMPUS: Well…..f**k that. Because I am bad, and I am mad, and I
will chop you up until you're a big meat slab. I will throw you
in a fire and burn you up, cook you for breakfast lunch or
dinner, I don't give a f**k. Because I'm Krampus.

SEAN: The only difference between Krampus and the Grinch, is that
the Grinch is a p***y and has no relation to Santa Claus, but
Krampus has relation, does that not cause elation? That Krampus
and Santa are causing mutilation? All across the Nation, we shall
see that Krampus and Santa are like you and me. One is good, one
is bad, one is fat, one is skinny as a g**damn tree! I don't even
know what to say if you and me are to mate, our baby would be an
ugly son of a hay, because, Krampus takes the joy of the
Christmas season and turns that s**t around. You know why?
Because if you're bad, you deserve to drown. Krampus, wind this
s**t down!

KRAMPUS: On Christmas day, if you've been naughty, remember that
Santa Claus, has an assistant, and if you're bad, he'll beat you
up like Sonny Listen.