It sounds like the OP is in Canada where the legal age is 18 most places.

I know that where I live it is legal to give a minor alcohol if the parent/guardian agrees. There is nothing illegal about it.

Also most of the teens I grew up with started drinking once in a while at about 15/16. It's kind of like 18 year olds drinking in the US.

Yes, I'm in Canada (Ontario actually) and the drinking age is 19. But I disagree about 15 year olds drinking being like 18 year olds drinking in the U.S. I still feel a 15 year old is a 15 year old. It doesn't matter how far away the legal age is. We had a long talk this weekend about why I felt the way I do about his drinking. His brain & body are still growing and he doesn't need to put bad things into his body at such an early age, etc. I even said to him (in front of his friend) that I felt I had set a bad example by caving in to peer pressure. He is already a little too socially advanced for my liking, so I don't want to be standing there smiling and condoning things that he really shouldn't be doing.

My Bf's mother is no longer friends with several people because of this issue. She and another woman were hosting a 50th birthday party for another friend. the birthday girl became angry when she found out that the 2 hosts would not be allowing her 2 teenage daughters to drink. she had invited the girls and several of thier friends to the party to drink where she could keep an eye on them and didn't think that the 2 women had any right to tell her she couldn't do this even though it was being held at on of thier houses.

It actually ended up with people taking sides and things got ugly.

I personally think you would have been ok to tell her that you do not allow your son to drink period. If she doesn't want to be your friend over something like that she isn't worth having.

Bringing alcohol into your house was the first rude thing. Offering it to your children was the second. My personal opinion is that we set kids up for trouble by linking alcohol with being an adult, because that makes alcohol more desirable. BUT, your house, your rules. I really don't blame you for being shocked.

In addition to kingsrings excellent points, I'd like to note that in a lot of places if the underage drinkers were caught, the host of the party would be considered legally responsible for the fact they'd been served alcohol.

You're right, but it also varies by province in Canada. In Alberta, parents can make the decision to allow their children to have a drink under their supervision. My parents let us have a glass of wine on special occasions like Xmas and Thanksgiving. Even though we were underage, the law is such that they have no business in the private home. In the US, this is completely illegal. You're not 21, you can't drink anywhere, even in your private home.

In this case, the guest was completely wrong to assume the kid was allowed to drink. I don't see anything wrong with her bringing the alcohol since the OP said she sometimes does serve it, despite her dh's past. She absolutely should not have served it to the minor, although serving it to those of age was perfectly fine.

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fklwmn

If their parent was also there then they would have the right to veto it and if they said no, then I'd respect their wishes but in general if they came to my house it probably wouldn't occur to me and would treat them like my own (This is probably at the age from 15/16). If they said no I'd take it at that and not push it, but I would offer. (If I knew the parents had rules over drinking then I would follow them)

I'm sorry, but I find your attitude frightening. I think that the general rule of thumb with giving kids alcohol should be that if you don't know that their parents DO allow it, then you don't offer it to them. I also think you shouldn't offer it to your kids in front of their friends if you don't know that their friends are allowed to partake in your presence (ie, their parents may allow a bit of alcohol at home, but ONLY at home). That just seems to me a general rule of thumb about not partaking of refreshments that your guests are not allowed to share.

If I found out my child was at a friend's house and their friend's parent gave them even a sip of alcohol... I'd press charges.

fklwmn

It sounds like the OP is in Canada where the legal age is 18 most places.

I know that where I live it is legal to give a minor alcohol if the parent/guardian agrees. There is nothing illegal about it.

Also most of the teens I grew up with started drinking once in a while at about 15/16. It's kind of like 18 year olds drinking in the US.

Yes, I'm in Canada (Ontario actually) and the drinking age is 19. But I disagree about 15 year olds drinking being like 18 year olds drinking in the U.S. I still feel a 15 year old is a 15 year old. It doesn't matter how far away the legal age is. We had a long talk this weekend about why I felt the way I do about his drinking. His brain & body are still growing and he doesn't need to put bad things into his body at such an early age, etc. I even said to him (in front of his friend) that I felt I had set a bad example by caving in to peer pressure. He is already a little too socially advanced for my liking, so I don't want to be standing there smiling and condoning things that he really shouldn't be doing.

I just want to applaud your for sitting down with your son and telling him you mde a mistke and what the mistake was, and also detailing the reson why you do not want him drinking.

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Gileswench

By the time they're teens, most kids know their parents aren't always perfect, but a lot of parents are afraid to admit it. This just sets the scene for so many teens deciding that all adults are ignorant hypocrits whose word can be safely ignored. By keeping the lines of communication open in an honest way, you're helping your son see that while you aren't always perfect, there's plenty of reason to listen to what you say. I think that's healthier for everyone involved.

In the US, this is completely illegal. You're not 21, you can't drink anywhere, even in your private home.

Unfortunately, blanket statements like this tend to invite responses that contain the exceptions . In the state of Washington (which is the only state I am certain of the laws for, but I believe Oregon has similar laws) a parent may serve their minor child alcohol *in the parent's home* and under the parent's supervision. No one *else* can serve a minor, anywhere, that I am aware of. But, before I turned 21, I could be served a drink by my mother or father, in their house, while under their supervision.

This happened about ten years ago near my area. Four friends got together to party, got drunk, crashed their car into a wall, and all four of them died in the crash. They were all between the ages of 18-20. Their parents sued and pressed charges against everyone these young adults had come into contact with that night, holding them responsible for what happened. For instance, the friends had been to one or more parties at houses that night where alcohol was served. The hosts/owners of the houses and all the attendees were named as defendants. Of course all this was just ridiculous given that at those ages, these should of known better and were responsible for their own downfall. And I think that the friends may have been sold alcohol at stores as well which of course was wrong, but I don't remember the details. Reading that story sure put the fear of God in me about whom I drink with and allow to be in my house when alcohol can be served, if I can be sued like that.

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Peaches737

I believe that you should have been asked, before any alcohol was offerred to your children. That being said, I also believe that the stigma and "verboten" aspects of drinking alcohol lend themselves to the trend we see in binge drinking.

In my family, we had wine on special occasions, the children would have theirs watered down, but I remember being 8 and being able to sip from my own glass. I didn't much like the taste, but it wasn't a horrible, awful thing.

To OP--I believe that by allowing the responsible consumption of alcohol, under adult supervision is ok. I know that laws may differ. I think that the "bringing" party was inappropriate, to offer children that were not her own, anything that the parent may object to.

I think that you handled the situation gracefully, and I believe that you will likely have a talk with your teens in the future.

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fklwmn

I was reading an article last night that made me think of this post and how many people are saying that kids binge drink b/c it's forbidden, and they agree with allowing kids a small amount of alcohol to prevent this.

The study was based in Australia where it is common for adults to allow their young children to have small sips of alcohol, and contradicts this theory completly. According to the study, binge drinking in 15 - 18 year olds in Australia is 3x more common than it is in the US where parents are much less likely to allow their children sips of alcohol.

It was an interesting perspective, though I am not sure how accurate it was. I'd link it here, but I don't have the link any longer.

In any case, I think blanket statements on either case are inaccurate. I'm sure there are kids who drink more responsibly b/c they were allowed to try it at home. Personally? I am 29 and I have never had a sip of alcohol. NEVER. It was NOT allowed in my house, and I was TERRIFIED of the consequences of being caught drinking as a teenager.

Had I been allowed to drink a little at home, I wouldn't have seen it as 'off limits' and therefore I am sure I would have been out getting trashed with my friends (they all DID drink, btw). but it wasn't allowed and I was not going to test those waters to see my dad's reaction if I got caught.

By the time I turned 21 I was mature enough to make certain evaluations that I would not have been able to as a teenager. Like the fact that my dad is an alcoholic and I don't want to turn into someone like him. Or the fact that I DO already have obsessive tendancies, and I'm sure a predisoposition towards alcoholism. Or the fact that I HATE the feeling of not being in control of myself and my surroundings at all time and would likely HATE being drunk.

But those are realizations that came with maturity, and I am SO thankful that my parents had such a strict stance on us drinking when I was too young to make those determinations for myself. I can almost guarantee that if I had started drinking as a teen I would be an alcoholic now. I can also almost guarantee that it would have led me into trying other substances when my judgment was impaired.

My point here is that all of these stories are purely anecdotal, and just b/c having small sips of alcohol as a child/teen made you feel it was less desirable, that doesn't mean that will work for all kids. Some kids NEED to have it forbidden, and need to be afraid of the consequences of trying it.

Do people think you're nuts for not drinking? I don't drink 90% of the time either (maybe I'll have a bit of sangria or one shot of Sambuca but I see it more like a dessert than something to do to be social) and until I was about 29 I had never had alcohol except a sip here and there that I spat out.

People always make fun of me and act like I'm crazy for not drinking. But I've never seen the point of it and still don't. "You've never even been DRUNK? You haven't lived!" they say. I can think of some choice responses but I usually just zip my lip.

Still... do people treat you differently when they find out you don't drink?

Oh, HECK no. This person would be tossed unceremoniously out of my house and onto their butt. you do not make me feel "uncool" because I'm a good parent. She does not have your best interest or your child's best interest at heart. She just wants to keep her underage drinking 19-year-olds happy. (Which by the way, her giving them alcohol in your home with your implied consent, also could have caused some liability issues for you.)

This person would not be allowed back in my home. You seen her true nature, now try not to get any of it on you or your kids. you also need to have a very thorough discussion with your son where you admit that letting him drink was a mistake. You folded to peer pressure, which could lead to some good healthy discussions with him about how hard it is to face. Good luck.

« Last Edit: January 11, 2007, 08:51:26 AM by willow08 »

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fklwmn

Do people think you're nuts for not drinking? I don't drink 90% of the time either (maybe I'll have a bit of sangria or one shot of Sambuca but I see it more like a dessert than something to do to be social) and until I was about 29 I had never had alcohol except a sip here and there that I spat out.

People always make fun of me and act like I'm crazy for not drinking. But I've never seen the point of it and still don't. "You've never even been DRUNK? You haven't lived!" they say. I can think of some choice responses but I usually just zip my lip.

Still... do people treat you differently when they find out you don't drink?

I notice that the older I get, the more people tend to think it's crazy that I don't drink and never have. Once they get over the whole "You've never had ONE SIP???" shock they usually shrug and nominate me as the designated driver, lol.

When I was younger and all my friends were drinking, no one ever thought it was a big deal that I didn't and I was NEVER pressured to try it. I think that for the most part, peer pressure is perceived rather than actual pressure. As in, everyone else is drinking, they'll think I'm a baby if I don't" rather than someone acutally pushing a non-drinker to drink. For the most part they always seemed to take a "more for me!" attitude when I told them I didn't drink.

The Marine once confided in me that when I go out to clubs the fact that I don't drink is a turn off for guys b/c they are out there looking for a girl they can get drunk and convince to go home with them. Yet another bonus, IMO... though I must say, I have had no shortage of guys bugging me while I'm sipping my cokes while I'm out either

ETA: Drinkers do tend to be overly pushy offering me non-alcoholic drinks though. It's as though they assume I am not having a drink b/c i think everything contains alcohol. Some friends of The Marine's (and now mine..) actually went out and bought little Crystl Light packets to keep at their house for me, even though I have probably only accepted a beverage form them TWICE ever. lol.

would you like a drink?no, thank youwe don't just have beer. We have water too.No, thank you.We have coke in the fridge, would you like me to get you one?No, I'm not thirty right now, but thank you.Okay, well we also have apple juice, so let me know if you want anything.(laughing) Thanks, I will.