We’re a little short-handed in the kitchen, so I’ll be taking your table this evening. Let me give you a quick rundown of the specials:

Jerry helped Dan create a big red “20” on his grey t-shirt, supposedly as a shout-out to girlfriend Monica on their 20-month anniversary. Awww...sweet, right? But, who’s to say that this isn’t really Dan’s wicked way of telegraphing to America that he just won $20,000 as America’s Playa? Hmmm? Does the girlfriend even exist? He chose the name of one of the girls from “Friends” fer corn’s sake...I mean c’mon…that rascal.

April took her HoH pictures. Everybody smiled for her, knowing that many of them were planning to blindside her this Thursday by voting to evict Jessie.

New best friends Memphis and Keesha did a lot of whispering and buzzing together during the afternoon

Extended fishes, trivia

They taped their segment with Craig Ferguson. (Ed: It was the least sucky segment yet! They are starting to get the hang of the concept of banter.)

The majority of the house still thinks the earthquake was fake. Memphis will win $500 from Ollie when they find out the truth.

April made a snide over-the-shoulder comment to Memphis that he would be finding out about the earthquake this Thursday. This made him furious, and he vented to the very understanding Libra and Keesha for a while. Many nasty words were used. Jessie’s eviction is a done deal as far as they are concerned.

Libra kept inadvertently threatening Dan with bodily harm if he changes his vote on them this week. She has begun to rethink this as a long-term strategy.

Renny took the night off from kitchen duty. “Let them eat leftovers!” She still did the dishes after dinner, though.

Gossip, gossip, backbite, backbite, punk, bitch, hooker, skank, fake, OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIBRA! They all ate cake and smiled awkwardly for a short time. But it certainly didn't top Keesha's party on the awkward-o-meter.

April said something that might have seemed innocent enough if you caught it live, but seems really strange on paper: her nephew with Down’s Syndrome was bullied by a girl at his day care, so April pushes him and throws balls at him to teach him to defend himself. (I’m describing it much more diplomatically than she did, and it still sounds weird…)

Dan is being crafty, both with the house and with America, about not giving away who he is supposed to vote for. I’ve decided that he’s cute when he’s crafty.

Dan's got a taste for it now. Watch out.

To show sympathy and solidarity with his unitarded platonic life partner Michelle, Jessie donned his green unitard for the night (who are we kidding, he loves to look at himself in it).

April made herself a pickles and cheese sandwich. Yeah, not too knocked up…

Keesha, who often sits at the kitchen counter and eats an entire bag of potato chips in one sitting, had them wrap her midriff in plastic wrap, so she could get into the sauna and sweat off some water weight. That girl needs a check-up from the neck-up…

Late night becomes prank night: Ollie pours cold water on Dan as he is taking a shower. Jerry scares Keesha. Memphis hides and scares Keesha then Libra, then Dan. Together Memphis and Dan scare Renny, who screams for each of them. Jerry wears a red face mask and the afro wig, which scares me.

The house settled down around midnight, only to be rudely and hilariously awakened by Viewer Wake-Up Calls! A drill sergeant call for Jerry, hog calling, a shout-out to Evel Dick’s pan-banging, and the winner of the night, a song entitled “Slop Is Good,” which I nominate as this year’s “Betcha Can’t Sleep (Betcha Can’t Sleep).” The calls were repeated intermittently for over 3 hours, and Jessie and Michelle were the only ones to stay up for all of them, in case they were used in a future challenge.

After our hamsters finally got up the next morning, they concerned themselves with cleaning the house for Eviction Day.

OK, someone will be by soon with your beverages, and I’ll be back in a few minutes to take your orders. Thanks! And don’t worry, tomorrow you’ll have AshleyPSU giving you a more detailed and vivid recounting of what is already turning out to be an exciting post-eviction shift! (Thanks to SnapIt for the man-on-man hug!)

Was your steak really underdone, or did you just have a bad day and needed some TLC? PM me and be honest!