When a friend gets pregnant, your relationship is bound to experience some growing pains — but that doesn't mean you can't (eventually) find a balance between cribs and cocktails.

Let's be blunt: When you find out a friend is expecting, you feel excited for her — and if you're being honest, you may also feel a little…betrayed. It might sound horrible and selfish, but this happy time for her may be a hard one for you. I've been there. It's real, and it hurts.

And no, feeling hurt does not make you evil, because there's no denying things are about to change big-time. Good-bye, Bloody Mary brunches and impromptu after-work socializing. Hello, ultrasounds and sleep-deprived zombie-mom on diaper duty. The first time a friend got pregnant, I felt as though she were abandoning our girl code and way of life — hanging out late, drinking dirty martinis, and living a little dangerously — without my vote. She went from being up for anything to wanting to stay home and nest. The few times I did drag her away from the baby-naming books (Aiden! Liam! Hudson!), she'd want to talk only about her overtaxed bladder, which I was happy to sympathize with…to a point. And I obviously had to drink alone. Ugh.

"When my friend got pregnant, I felt so betrayed," confesses Madi R., 27, from Boston. "My first thought was 'Why are you opting out of our awesome, fun life together? And how can you leave me stranded here, forced to make new friends without even checking with me first?' It hit me hard, and I used her pregnancy as a catalyst to freak out about my own life status — that I'd chosen the wrong guys, that my job was going nowhere. And just when I was having this existential crisis, she was busy stroller shopping and at doctors' appointments." It was like a catch-22, Madi says. "I needed a friend who knew me on the level that she did to talk me off the ledge, and she just wasn't available."

Well, of course she wasn't available — she was preparing for one of the most life-changing events she'll ever experience. We know this intellectually, so why do we still feel so hurt when it happens?

"When a baby disrupts the friendship as you know it, it can feel like the pregnant friend compromised everything without your consent," says Lisa Brateman, a relationship therapist in New York City, who confirms you're not an insensitive garbage person for feeling this way. "Feelings of abandonment, anger, rejection, and betrayal are normal in this situation," she says.

A friend's pregnancy not only can feel like a violation of your friendship pact, but it's also a big hit on one's social life. "When my best friend at work got pregnant, I wanted to sob," says Erica G., 30, from Binghamton, New York. "Suddenly, she was always tired and not drinking…and we always had a glass of wine to unwind after work. Without that ritual, I felt off balance." Brateman says the drinking-for-one component throws salt on an already stinging wound. "No one likes to drink alone! This is another layer of loss in the friendship and your view of the quality of your time together," she says. "Also, you might feel judged because you're drinking and she's not." Been there.

If it's any consolation, your friend's inability to remain the same person and friend after she gets knocked up isn't personal, it's science. "As soon as a woman becomes pregnant, nature takes over," says Rita Eichenstein, PhD, a developmental psychologist at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. "It's not that she's consciously pulling away, it's simply biology. Her body, brain, and hormones are changing. And like it or not, there's nothing either of you can really do about it."

The sooner you realize that your friendship isn't going to stay the same, the sooner you can start ensuring things change for the better, not worse. Ready for some tough love? The first thing you need to do (after a couple of nights of sulking, of course) is realize that your feelings of betrayal and anger may say more about you than they do about your friend's pregnancy. "Use this as an opportunity for a personal awakening," says Brateman. Get in touch with yourself and figure out what you're really feeling. Maybe you want what she has — a husband and baby on the way. Or maybe that life is not for you and you're just coming to terms with that. It could be time to make more friends who share your vision of what a happy life is. For Melissa P., 32, from San Francisco, who experienced "extreme jealousy and mild rage" over a friend's pregnancy, her reaction prompted her to join three online-dating services to "get the show on the road." That's how she met her husband—and they're now expecting.

Some other good news: Friendships that get damaged during a pregnancy do tend to self-repair if they were solid to begin with, says Irene S. Levine, PhD, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend. "You need time to work through these feelings and find ways to renegotiate the friendship," she adds. "Hopefully, you'll get to a place where you realize that this wasn't a personal assault."

Still, the relationship might not look the same when it comes out on the other side. "When my friend's son turned 2, we became close again," says Lauren W., 30, from Philadelphia. "But our connection is different now. I have this new respect for her because she's a great mom, and I learn from her every day. I'm glad I gave it another shot because we mean even more to each other now than we did before."

In my case, my pregnant friend turned out to be on a different path than I was, and we drifted apart. I wish her only good things, but ultimately, I needed to find other, like-minded women with whom I could connect — and I'm glad I did.

Whether you want kids, have kids, or hate kids, it's good for your friendship — and yourself — to consider the situation from your pregnant friend's point of view. Her hormones are out of whack, her body is bloated, and if this is her first kid, there's a good chance she's really, really scared. Maybe this time, she needs you more than you need her. This could be an opportunity to be your most selfless and compassionate self — while bonding over some salted caramel ice cream, of course.

And if that's just too hard and your feelings are too confusing and complicated to pretend like everything's fine…I, for one, can understand.

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