Monthly Archives: January 2015

It’s Friday already and I’m feeling good. I did a workout yesterday after work and loved it, although it was chilly because my weights are outside. Feeling good makes me feel good.

I’ve got a good day ahead and will do as much as I can but not push myself too much. Also I’m doing the school run both ways today so will finish a little early today because there’s a fault on our car and it won’t start. I’ve got a mechanic coming to look at it later today and he can figure out what needs doing to fix it.

I’ve been giving a little thought to my own mental health and I’ve realised I’m not in a bad place right now. I’m concious of some slightly racing thoughts for the last few days but the more I understand myself the more I relax about these things. I’ve struggled with meditation the last 2 weeks but I know it’ll come back when needed or ready. The same with reading. I’ve not really read any books for most of January, certainly not the last 2 weeks but it’ll come back. A year ago I’d of been pushing myself to meditate and read and I’d be getting frustrated and adding to the issue. Now I just think ‘it’ll be alright, it’ll come back’ and it does. Also I know that it’s coming up to the anniversary of my mums death and I usualy get unwell around that time, physically unwell. I’m prepared for that if it happens but I’m also not placing undue stress upon myself. If I’m ill then I’m ill. If I’m not then even better. It’s about illuminating self created stress and most stress is self created or certainly can be. Maybe if one is bullied in any situation it’s slightly different but one can change that too with enough courage. Anything can be changed and it can be made to be alright even if it feels overwhelming at times. I guess it’s just a case of having someone to help support you and also trusting that things will get better.

I’ve been awake for quite a while and my son and I got up at 6 am. I’m not sure how long I’d been awake but I checked the time just before 5:50. I’d layed there thinking about alsorts of things but mainly work.! I’m not sure if I’m a little anxious too but it’s passing. I probably was anxious and that’s what woke me early. I’ve been tired too and went to sleep maybe 20-25 minutes early last night so it could be that too. So many things lol!

My son woke early with a stomach ache and he said he had one last night when he went to bed. I hope he’s not coming down with anything, his sister was awake really early a couple of days ago too. I’ll know something is up if my wife wakes really early and gets up one of these mornings!

I spent some time on Facebook yesterday again and even put a few posts on there. I’ll need to watch that as it’s such a distraction and can, at times, be seen as a trigger although I don’t think it is yet so my aim is to monitor myself today and try to stay off it. I might just need to check with a friend for an email address though although I think I can find it. Anyway I guess I find it over stimulating at times but also quite dull mostly or at other times. Maybe there’s a clue there for me. If I don’t find it stimulating then maybe I actualy make it stimulating and cause my own self to create a mental situation. Lots to think about. Maybe Facebook really is the experiment in social engineering that I believe it is. They have admitted that they’ve tweaked people’s timelines to gauge how it affects people. They certainly sell or allow other websites etc access to information. I’ve found if I do an online search for something then when on Facebook I get groups etc pop up related to my searches and vice versa. Very naughty indeed and very invasive. So much so I won’t have the Facebook app or their messenger app on my phone. I use a safari search and go in the old way. Call me paranoid but I’ve seen how invasive they are and how invasive their terms and conditions are. They want one to agree to allow them access to the photos and camera on ones phone! Sod that. I’ve heard they can turn your camera on at any time remotely. As can any of the American or British spying departments like MI5/6 CIA and NSA etc. Nosey sods. Too invasive if you ask me.

I surprise myself with writing this blog because often the biggest or longest posts get written on days when I feel I’ve got nothing to say. Maybe I just write a load of bollocks or crap and think I’m doing a lovely super duper job. Blimey I can’t remember the last time I heard ‘super duper’ used. Maybe I’ll start using it slyly in conversation and resurrect it.

I don’t think I’m anxious now as I’ve just made myself laugh inside thinking about ‘super duper’.

As I lay in bed last night meditating before going to sleep I had a kind of mini life assessment. I’ve realised that quite often when I feel ok I start to question life and feelings. One thing that cropped up was how I can feel like life is flashing past and that I’m walking a tight rope whilst being pushed and pulled all ways and barely just managing to stay on the rope. Maybe an elastic rope might be a better description of it because it moves and twists and bounces. I’m quite internal and introspective at the moment too. I feel like life is jenga and I’m balanced on the top with the wooden pinches moving under me and it could all topple at any moment but somehow I’m still standing and still balancing. Maybe I’m balancing because I’ve learnt to become supple like a sapling instead of rigid like an old oak tree. Anyway it’s a feeling of ‘my fingers are in my ears and I’m not listening. La la la la la la’. Although feeling these things I do still feel quite in control too. In control to a certain degree that is. I guess rock climbers have to cling on with just their finger tips sometimes before climbing higher and getting a good hold with both feet planted firmly and assessing things before moving further upwards.

Work is good at the minute and it’s quite busy too which is fantastic but also I fear loosing control of it all too. Such silly fears. How silly. How foolish to fear things. Life is just life. Sometimes I wish I could just relax and allow life to flow. Maybe it does but I get caught up in trying to live it and be it. Maybe I’m too harsh on myself.

It’s at times like this I wonder about going back on the bipolar forum. A few times I’ve started to write the email to ask to be reinstated but something always stops me. I think it’s my higher self chiming in and reminding me that I’ll only get caught up or addicted to it. So for now I stay clear, but I do wonder how lots of the people on there are feeling or doing but my highest priority has to be myself. I mustn’t get caught up in others too much really but at the same time they feel what I feel. They understand it too. I guess I don’t want to get addicted to it and that would side track me from work because of obsessive patterns. Maybe I’m breaking those patterns. Maybe I am moving forwards and getting a handle on my moods swings and shifts. I really hope so.

It’s already Tuesday and I didn’t write yesterday, naughty me. Yesterday I felt good when I got up and had no anxiety and it was supposed to be black Monday yesterday too! I’m feeling good again this morning too. Maybe it’s because I’ve started working out again. That always helps because it releases endorphins.

I was really hungry and tired yesterday because I worked outside in the cold. It takes quite a few calories to keep my body working hard and heated on a cold day. I slept well too.

I’m still having drumming lessons and I’m finding it really good because it exercises my mind and body and its learning something new which is always good. I’m learning quite fast, well I think I am anyway. I’m not sure where it’ll lead me but its teaching me quite a bit about life too. I used to fear making mistakes but in my lessons I’m happy to cock it up sometimes because it makes what I’ve learnt so far sink in more and it keeps my ego in check too. That’s always good!

Like I said Ive started working out a bit again too. I love the feeling in my mind and body after working out and the strength gains too. I’m trying to keep myself inspired and keep my mind on this good level too. I know I can get obsessive but I’ll keep that in check a little.

Hopefully I will get my new van today or tomorrow! All in all things are going ok.

I felt quite anxious last night. I stayed up a little and watched QI on tv but fell asleep before it ended. My wife was already in bed after having drunk a bottle of wine. That’s why I’d got anxious. Sometimes when she’s drinking she gets passive aggressive and can get cross or short tempered, usually shirt tempered with our daughter because she can be tricky going to bed and sleep. I’m going to talk with her today about things. I think it’s best that if she wants to have a drink that she leaves it until later in the evening. Sometimes she’s finished the bottle before 7 or 7:30. Last night it was gone before 7:45. It worries me. She sees it as ok. I know she feels she needs to unwind but sometimes how she gets upsets me but I usually keep it inside. Anyway I need to talk with her about it because often she doesn’t remember things the next day. She treats our son better than our daughter and I know our daughter handles things better but I fear how it might affect their relationship when shes older. Maybe I think about it all too much.

I’m helping a bloke I know to put up a couple of tv aerials today. It sounds pretty windy out there and it rained hard last night so I’m not sure what we will do or get done. From next Saturday onwards I’m going to start working at least the morning because I’ve got so much work on and also I need to build up funds in my business so that I can take some time off this year. The last couple of years I’ve hardly had any time off or any spare money either. So later today I’m going to work out what I need to earn each month to be able to live comfortably and pay my bills plus save money too and work out how much I’d like to save so I can start to invest. I’d like to buy a second house to rent out. My wife is very cautious about it but I’ll research it well first, plus I don’t have any money to invest yet anyway. I’m going to start being more pro active. I need to take back control of my life.

I’d hoped to get some pricing done today but I havent. It’s been a rushed busy day today. I left one job at 2:10, quickly did another job before picking the children up at 3:10..! Crazy. Oh well it’s good to be busy. I’m home now and might do pricing shortly or I might just put my feet up. I’m tired too because I’ve not had any drink since first thing this morning until about 4:30.

I’m not at work yet. I’m going to look at another van soon and I’ve got to get some work done afterwards. It’s going to be a busy day of not getting much done. I’m hoping the other van is a decent van because I need to get work rolling along again.

I’m a little anxious now but wasn’t earlier. I’m not putting pressure on myself to get loads done today. It will be a day of doing what I do and that’s that.

I’m still feeling like this is going to be a good year ahead. I’m not sure why I’m limiting or restricting it into a time frame. What’s one day or week from another really? Or a year from another? What silly false constructs we have of time. I mean why do we live by a clock and by time? I know it’s good to keep circadian rhythms but do we really need a clock to live by? It’s like we are governed by something that cannot be questioned. Maybe that’s why we’ve grown so used to living by the clock, by hours and minutes and seconds. Maybe because it can’t be questioned. Why also is it always 6’s in everything? 666 the mark of the beast. 60 seconds. 60 minutes. 6 days to create the world biblically. 6 million dead in ‘the holocaust’. We need to question everything. Anyway why do we have to fit life into certain little snippets of time. It’s completely crazy. Maybe that’s what keeps us under control. Maybe there’s a higher truth in living by our bodies needs rather than sleeping because it ‘x’ time or eating or working because of ‘x’. Maybe I’m rambling but to me the world is crazy as fuck. That’s something else that’s crazy. I’ve avoided writing swear words on this blog but it’s only my own thoughts for myself so why not? Ah fuck it. Why are some words considered wrong yet others are ok? I mean we can’t normaly say fuck or cunt etc because it’s considered wrong by ‘society’ yet we can quite happily go and bomb other countries or talk about murder, death, destruction, war, rape, massacres evil and any number of horrific things. There have been several programs on tv, I don’t watch tv very often, which have either been about paedophilia or featured it lately. Yet using words that are considered swearing are wrong ! Fuck means to have sexual intercourse. Cunt means a vagina. Bollocks means testicles etc etc and these words are wrong in the eyes of ‘society’ but yet it’s acceptable to bomb other countries and show it any hour of the day. It’s ok to show murder, death and destruction on the news etc at any hour but mention a swear word…oh that’s terrible…watch the complaints come in from the good citizens who happily say ‘bomb them’ or ‘well we have to do something’. Jesus what a strange strange world we live in!

I woke up pretty early this morning but stayed in bed. I’m not sure why I didn’t just get up but I didnt. I’m anxious again this morning and I’m not sure why. I’m a little tense, although watching the kittens play is quite calming. I’m not sure if I said that we have kittens, well my children got kittens while I was on retreat. They’ve grown lots.

Yesterday was a good day at work in the end. We were supposed to get into a room to decorate at 9 but it was still full of furniture so by the time it was emptied it was almost 10:40. Anyway I got stuck in and it’s almost decorated now. There’s maybe an hour and a half in there to get it finished.

I’ve realised I’m very tense. Too tense. I must relax.

Just a thought by why is it that so many people are lazy and not very proactive? They want everything but want it given to them instead of going out and getting it. Whatever happened to being active? I know not everybody has the same wants in life but some people need a wake up call. I’ve just remembered a few things and it’s got me thinking. I have to write out a game plan for my year ahead and the next 3 years. Tomorrow I’ll have a short day and will do pricing and lots of organising of things starting with my mortgage getting changed over to a better rate. I emailed my accountant last night querying the fees I’m charged. It’s the first time I’ve say and had a good look through but I’m charged close to £3,000 per year including VAT and for most of last year there were only 2 of us. I’m going to look into every penny I spend and find ways to save money so that I can invest instead of just spending. Right, I’ve plans to make real and to put down on paper. No more struggling.

It’s morning again already and time to take the world on once again. Well maybe not take the world on but time to go out into the world and earn money and mix with people.

For some reason I’m feeling a little anxious again. I didn’t get as much pricing done as I’d hoped yesterday because work took a little longer than I’d hoped and also I went to look at more work, which was something I’d not initially planned on but that’s ok. It’s good to have lots of work on.

Today is going to be a very busy day, as always, and I’ve got lots I’d like to get done. We should have another bedroom empty ready to decorate. Hopefully we will get most of it done today as it’s pretty straight forwards. I get the feeling I’m in for a very busy year and it should be very prosperous too.