About a year and a half ago I posted a link here to a blog I started writing sharing my story of being date raped at Burning Man. I'd never shared something so personal this openly before, let alone done any type of blogging. I wondered if there was anyone else who had experienced something similar and could help me better understand it. Was I wrong to make a big deal out of the fact that he raped me? After all maybe he wasn't really a bad guy, just someone who had made a "mistake". On the other hand, maybe I was just really, really stupid for letting him get away with it. Of course after the response I received, who else would dare to talk about it?

The response I got was a real wake up call indeed. I was personally attacked by a number of people, both male and female, encouraged and seemingly instigated by a member of Burning Man's B.E.D. camp, a group claiming to educate people about this very thing. Is this ignorance a representation of the Burning Man community as a whole, I wonder, or just a small group of low-life trolls who constantly bully and engage others in petty argument in online forums?

What is rape culture? I came across this brilliant post by Melissa McEwen, the founder and manager of the award-winning political and cultural group blog "Shakesville." [url]http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/[/url] I hope everyone finds it enlightening.

"Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you’re alone, if you’re with a stranger, if you’re in a group, if you’re in a group of strangers, if it’s dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you’re carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you’re wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who’s around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who’s at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn’t follow all the rules it’s your fault.

Rape culture is victim-blaming. Rape culture is a judge blaming a child for her own rape. Rape culture is a minister blaming his child victims. Rape culture is accusing a child of enjoying being held hostage, raped, and tortured. Rape culture is spending enormous amounts of time finding any reason at all that a victim can be blamed for hir own rape.

Rape culture is judges banning the use of the word rape in the courtroom. Rape culture is the media using euphemisms for sexual assault. Rape culture is stories about rape being featured in the Odd News.

Rape culture is tasking victims with the burden of rape prevention. Rape culture is encouraging women to take self-defense as though that is the only solution required to preventing rape. Rape culture is admonishing women to “learn common sense” or “be more responsible” or “be aware of barroom risks” or “avoid these places” or “don’t dress this way,” and failing to admonish men to not rape.

Rape culture is “nothing” being the most frequent answer to a question about what people have been formally taught about rape.

Rape culture is boys under 10 years old knowing how to rape.

Rape culture is the idea that only certain people rape—and only certain people get raped. Rape culture is ignoring that the thing about rapists is that they rape people. They rape people who are strong and people who are weak, people who are smart and people who are dumb, people who fight back and people who submit just to get it over with, people who are sluts and people who are prudes, people who rich and people who are poor, people who are tall and people who are short, people who are fat and people who are thin, people who are blind and people who are sighted, people who are deaf and people who can hear, people of every race and shape and size and ability and circumstance.

Rape culture is the narrative that sex workers can’t be raped. Rape culture is the assertion that wives can’t be raped. Rape culture is the contention that only nice girls can be raped.

Rape culture is refusing to acknowledge that the only thing that the victim of every rapist shares in common is bad fucking luck. Rape culture is refusing to acknowledge that the only thing a person can do to avoid being raped is never be in the same room as a rapist. Rape culture is avoiding talking about what an absurdly unreasonable expectation that is, since rapists don’t announce themselves or wear signs or glow purple.

Rape culture is a collective understanding about classifications of rapists: The “normal” rapist (whose crime is most likely to be dismissed with a “boys will be boys” sort of jocular apologia) is the man who forces himself on attractive women, women his age in fine health and form, whose crime is disturbingly understandable to his male defenders. The “real sickos” are the men who go after children, old ladies, the disabled, accident victims languishing in comas—the sort of people who can’t fight back, whose rape is difficult to imagine as titillating, unlike the rape of “pretty girls,” so easily cast in a fight-fuck fantasy of squealing and squirming and eventual relenting to the “flattery” of being raped.

Rape culture is the insistence on trying to distinguish between different kinds of rape via the use of terms like “gray rape” or “date rape.”

Rape culture is pervasive narratives about rape that exist despite evidence to the contrary. Rape culture is pervasive imagery of stranger rape, even though women are three times more likely to be raped by someone they know than a stranger, and nine times more likely to be raped in their home, the home of someone they know, or anywhere else than being raped on the street, making what is commonly referred to as “date rape” by far the most prevalent type of rape. Rape culture is pervasive insistence that false reports are common, although they are less common (1.6%) than false reports of auto theft (2.6%). Rape culture is pervasive claims that women make rape accusations willy-nilly, when 61% of rapes remain unreported.

Rape culture is the pervasive narrative that there is a “typical” way to behave after being raped, instead of the acknowledgment that responses to rape are as varied as its victims, that, immediately following a rape, some women go into shock; some are lucid; some are angry; some are ashamed; some are stoic; some are erratic; some want to report it; some don’t; some will act out; some will crawl inside themselves; some will have healthy sex lives; some never will again.

Rape culture is the pervasive narrative that a rape victim who reports hir rape is readily believed and well-supported, instead of acknowledging that reporting a rape is a huge personal investment, a difficult process that can be embarrassing, shameful, hurtful, frustrating, and too often unfulfilling. Rape culture is ignoring that there is very little incentive to report a rape; it’s a terrible experience with a small likelihood of seeing justice served.

Rape culture is the fact that higher incidents of rape tend to correlate with lower conviction rates.

Rape culture is silence around rape in the national discourse, and in rape victims’ homes. Rape culture is treating surviving rape as something of which to be ashamed. Rape culture is families torn apart because of rape allegations that are disbelieved or ignored or sunk to the bottom of a deep, dark sea in an iron vault of secrecy and silence.

Rape culture is the objectification of women, which is part of a dehumanizing process that renders consent irrelevant. Rape culture is treating women’s bodies like public property. Rape culture is street harassment and groping on public transportation and equating raped women’s bodies to a man walking around with valuables hanging out of his pockets. Rape culture is most men being so far removed from the threat of rape that invoking property theft is evidently the closest thing many of them can imagine to being forcibly subjected to a sexual assault.

Rape culture is treating 13-year-old girls like trophies for men regarded as great artists.

Rape culture is ignoring the way in which professional environments that treat sexual access to female subordinates as entitlements of successful men can be coercive and compromise enthusiastic consent.

Rape culture is a convicted rapist getting a standing ovation at Cannes, a cameo in a hit movie, and a career resurgence in which he can joke about how he hates seeing people get hurt.

Rape culture is when running dogfights is said to elicit more outrage than raping a woman would.

Rape culture is blurred lines between persistence and coercion. Rape culture is treating diminished capacity to consent as the natural path to sexual activity.

Rape culture is pretending that non-physical sexual assaults, like peeping tomming, is totally unrelated to brutal and physical sexual assaults, rather than viewing them on a continuum of sexual assault.

Rape culture is diminishing the gravity of any sexual assault, attempted sexual assault, or culture of actual or potential coercion in any way.

Rape culture is using the word “rape” to describe something that has been done to you other than a forced or coerced sex act. Rape culture is saying things like “That ATM raped me with a huge fee” or “The IRS raped me on my taxes.”

Rape culture is rape being used as entertainment, in movies and television shows and books and in video games.

Rape culture is television shows and movies leaving rape out of situations where it would be a present and significant threat in real life.

Rape culture is people objecting to the detritus of the rape culture being called oversensitive, rather than people who perpetuate the rape culture being regarded as not sensitive enough.

Rape culture is the myriad ways in which rape is tacitly and overtly abetted and encouraged having saturated every corner of our culture so thoroughly that people can’t easily wrap their heads around what the rape culture actually is.

Rape culture as you define it here sounds like a Costco-size can of worms. Your definition sounds so broad, I'm pretty sure just by commenting I am part of it. Could you perhaps distill or narrow things down a bit, or does that make me sound like a rapist?

For my own edification, does questioning this definition of rape culture make me a part of it?

(I remember the last time you popped up here...)

*edit*-1 point for begging the question in your title.You have 4 points remaining on your fallacy card.

M*A*S*H 4207th: An army of fun.I don't care what the borg says: feather-wearers will NOT be served in Rosie's Bar.When I ask how many burns, I mean at BRC.

No, Burning Man is not a "rape culture". And I'm insulted that anyone would make such a statement such as this. I've been raped. It was 1973, 4 months after I graduated high school. I was 17, and a virgin. I went to a party with a "friend" who was more "experienced" in life, I thought. I was very nieve and lead a sheltered life. Someone put drugs in my Coca-Cola, as I didn't drink alcohol. I had no choice of what happened to me. After all was done,I drove home in a haze. I filled the bath tub with water as hot as I could stand. I scrubbed myself/my skin until I almost bled. I felt dirty and disgusting. I put some PJ's on after almost 1.5 hours of scrubbing the shame and stupidity off my body. As I lay in bed, I was in pain. My vagina was entered for the first time with force and I was bleeding.

I read your blog. I'm not going to say you weren't raped, but your memories sound skewed. You were so drunk, you passed out a few times. You don't know what you said when you blacked out. I noticed your age and I have to assume a 30-something should know that Alcohol, and lots of it, will cause things to happen whether you want them to or not. You stated you put your arm around him. He could have taken that as a sign that you were attracted to him.

Did you actually sit down with him and ask him to tell you what happened that night? If you felt like you were raped did you call the police or go to medical to be checked out? Pointing the finger of rape at someone is a serious thing. After reading about your experiences with men and love, it sounds like you have a self-esteem issue to want to stay with someone who you thought raped you. I can understand that. It's amazing what your sub-conscience will allow you to stuff down.

Personally, rapists should have their dick and balls cut off and have to pee through a tube. But you had a responibility to make sure things were as you thought they really were.

I may have been drugged, but I remember everything. Back in 1973, you didn't tell anyone. Young girls and women weren't told to tell someone they were raped. I carried that secret with me for 20 years. I told a family member what had happened...big mistake. I felt as dirty as the day it happened. Now, I've worked through it over all these years.I want a loving relationship like the next woman. But I don't carry my rape with me anymore...haven't for a long time. Today I don't think about it until I read stories like this. And I'm sorry but it sounds sketchy. If you were raped, I'm so very sorry it happened.

I take this subject very serious when someone says they've been raped.

Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious.

Don't apologize. It is a very important subject. Still, the cut-and-paste way it is presented turns me off, like it is an albatross we must, year after year, air and wear around the neck of BM. Perhaps a sticky addressing the subject would be more appropriate.

"The essence of tyranny is not iron law. It is capricious law." -- Christopher Hitchens

Don't apologize. It is a very important subject. Still, the cut-and-paste way it is presented turns me off, like it is an albatross we must, year after year, air and wear around the neck of BM. Perhaps a sticky addressing the subject would be more appropriate.

sounds good to me BB! Boy my feathers were really ruffled there for a while. And not at your post !!

Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious.

maryanimal wrote:sounds good to me BB! Boy my feathers were really ruffled there for a while. And not at your post !!

I know what you mean! When I first read it (in previous posts), I was about to post the same kind of thing, but then I read everyone else's replies and it essentially captured the same thoughts. The blog post keeps coming back and elicits the same response each time, with rarely any input from the OP herself. I guess I'm just sick of seeing it and feel it has reached troll status now.

"The essence of tyranny is not iron law. It is capricious law." -- Christopher Hitchens

SFburnergrrrl is clearly a person who enjoys wearing the badge of a victim. It sounds like it will be her persona for the rest of her life. The original incident may be real, imagined or exaggerated, but it will give this person a reason for getting up every day.I have done business in the past with some battered women shelters. The residents are there for something as simple as a pushing and shoving match with their mate, but all of them will declare for the rest of their lives that "I am a battered woman". I guess I am glad that the OP found a cause and a torch to carry. This does not make me part of the rape culture as she says, it just make me a good observer.

Shpilkus wrote:SFburnergrrrl is clearly a person who enjoys wearing the badge of a victim. It sounds like it will be her persona for the rest of her life. The original incident may be real, imagined or exaggerated, but it will give this person a reason for getting up every day.I have done business in the past with some battered women shelters. The residents are there for something as simple as a pushing and shoving match with their mate, but all of them will declare for the rest of their lives that "I am a battered woman". I guess I am glad that the OP found a cause and a torch to carry. This does not make me part of the rape culture as she spays, it just make me a good observer.

After rereading her post about how her "rape " came about, I don't believe a rape occurred. Sounds like bad judgment and too much alcohol and regrets. What a shitty way to get attention.

Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious.

This thread already happened... While I feel bad for the person, you can only crack the egg so many times before you're burning eggshells rather than making breakfast. Time to get help, come to terms with it, and move on. Serious, before it consumes you.

What happened to being responsible for yourself? No matter where you are you have to watch out for yourself and be responsible for how much alcohol/drugs you consume. Just because you're at BM, doesn't mean all of that goes out the door.

A little personal responsibility IS called for at Burning Man. I've been skimming some of your threads, so apologies if I mention a scenario that came from another post or your blog. You said that a woman should ideally be able to be blasted out of her mind drunk in a bed with a stranger and not be raped. A woman should never have to suffer the crime of rape - nor a man. But humans will respond differently to the sauced woman in a stranger's bed than the woman in her own bed in her own home that was broken into. There are degrees - and people use them when making judgements. Those degree judgements will manifest in various ways. It might manifest in a lesser sentence for the perp or even the prosecutor refusing to bring it to trial. So, while a woman shouldn't have to worry about stranger/drunk/bed rape, she should probably understand that putting herself in that position jeopardizes her case. None of us should be robbed, but barring the small town or gated community, I bet most people lock their doors without railing at the heavens for having to do so.

You also likened a group of men reaching for a naked woman on stage dancing and groping her, and she couldn't get away as "clearly rape." There is nothing clear about that. How long couldn't she get away? Were the men forcing sexual intercourse on her? Don't get me wrong - that sounds scary as fuck. But for all I know it was a moment's excitement on the men's part that quickly dissipated, or clearer heads stepped in and broke it up. What is not clear is that there was forced intercourse/anal sex/penetration...actual rape. And when you say that groping is clearly rape, you are doing a disservice to people actually raped - yourself included.

Rape: Our community is a pro-rape community. We seek to uphold the ideals of rape and non-consensual sexual contact. Men should be free to freely rape any woman who tickles his fancy, looks great in that outfit, or was clearly asking for it. We encourage women to take advantage of our community standard of wearing little to no clothes in public because that means they've brought it on themselves. Sluts.