What Everybody Ought to Know About Aspergers and Marriage

Young love. It's so beautiful, so wonderful, it takes your breath away.

Like any other romantic couple, two adults who are in love in an Asperger's relationship are on cloud nine when they first meet.

Reality sinks in once the emotional high wears off, and if there are not some tools for navigating the journey, Aspie-NT couples may find themselves at-risk.

There are many successful Aspie-Aspie marriages and Aspie-NT marriages. For the purposes of this article, I am going to cover the subject of Aspie-NT (one adult with Asperger's and one adult who is Neurotypical).

For every successful Aspie-NT committed relationship, there are many others who are struggling, teetering, and on the brink of failing.

Solutions for Aspeger's Committed Relationships

I am borrowing the ideas for this article from Solutions for Adults with Asperger Syndrome (2005), and specifically to psychologist Dr. Juanita P. Lovett's chapter on How Marriage is Affected by AS (Aspergers Syndrome).

Here are some autism spectrum facts about individuals with Aspergers that it's important for NT partners to understand:

An individual with AS has challenges understanding or predicting the consequences of his/her behavior on others. Therefore, the Aspergers partner may see the NT partner as irrational or illogical.

NT women especially tend to want their partners to understand them and their feelings. However, they need to realize that this is something they may not be able to get from their AS partner. Some change may be possible, but the NT partner may need to adjust his/her expectation, and find other places for support without being unrealistic about what they expect from their AS partner.

AS men in particular may find conflict almost intolerable. They may hear a difference of opinion, or an attempt to explain a different perspecitve about a situation, as conflict or a criticism of who they are.

AS individuals, because they have a hard time separating boundaries at times, may hear criticism of a family member (e.g. their father, mother, or a sibling) as a criticism of them, and they likely will not be willing to tolerate it.

The most basic elements of speaking and hearing are the most important issues that AS-NT couples may have. AS adults often may have a very difficult time hearing negative emotions expressed by their partner. They may refuse to communicate, but then end up lashing out in a very hurtful way later on.

Steps to Help Make An AS-NT Relationship Work

Step 1: The diagnosis of AS must be made and accepted by the AS partner.

One of the best things that can happen is for the couple to seek help from a therapist or marriage coach who understands the unique differences between Asperger's Syndrome individuals and NT individuals. If the therapist does not understand the unique differences, all that will happen is the couple going back and forth, arguing for their own view of the situation. And the AS person will have a hard time understanding his/her impact on the NT individual.

Step 2: Both partners need to have an in-depth undersanding of AS and how marital relationships are affected.

There are a couple of resources I want to share with you, so that you and/or your partner can gain better understanding for each other's world.

First, I highly recommend joining WrongPlanet, the free online community started by a young college student, Alex Plank. (I think he's graduated by now). There are multiple topic areas, including in depth discussions for adults with Aspergers, dating, and social skills, but one thread I particularly appreciate is what's called the AS-NT Open Hotline. In that thread, NT's and Aspie's can both post questions they have about different points of view from the AS side of things, and from the NT side of things.

ASPIRES is an on-line resource for spouses and family members of adults diagnosed or suspected to be on the autistic spectrum. Our approach to one another and towards our "significant others" is directed towards solving problems in our relationship with a spectrum-sitting spouse.

ASPIRES is an e-mail subscription list for individuals with AS, and those who have a parent, spouse, or child with AS. We share our family and relational experiences, resources and survival tips as well as offer encouragement and hope. Through sharing, we hope to lighten one another's burdens and find positive solutions to many of the troubling challenges that characterize our relationships and bridge the communication gap that exists in everyday life.

Step 3: Both partners must make a serious commitment to making the relationship work.

However, the individual with NT is going to have to understand that it will feel to them that they are the party making more accomodations. Even if the individual with AS accepts and understands their diagnosis, the truth is that your brains are wired differently. Interpreting non-verbal signals, the core of all communication, for example, is something that the AS individual will always have a lot of difficulty doing.

As an NT individual, you will need to shift from "what is wrong" about your partner and the relationship, to "what is right." You will need to build on the stregnths, and value the differences, versus seeing your partner as insensitive and uncaring.

Final suggestions for Improving an AS-NT Marriage:

For the NT, shift your focus from what you are not getting from your AS partner to see and value the strengths he or she brings to the relationship.

For the AS person, reconsider your perception of your partner and of yourself. Consider that, because of the differences in the way your brain works, a lot of what your partner is telling you about your role in problems is probably right.

For both NT's and AS's, try to listen to one another in a nondefensive way. Ask for clarification of things you don't understand in a simple, respectful, and low key way.

Become students of each other's culture. Pretend that you are learning a new language from a new country. If you are an AS, remember that, in many ways, your partner is from another planet, the NT planet. And if you are an NT, remember that your AS partner is from the AS planet. Celebrate the diversity and the differences.

I realize that I have only scratched the surface here. I welcome your comments, experiences, critiques, and suggestions. But I hope that you will find some beginning tips and tools to help you celebrate and thrive in your marriage.

You have been at this a long time and your posts are at the top of every single internet search result when an NT seeks marriage/relationship advice. Question: Where are all of the real examples of those that have struggled and overcome their Aspie/NT challenges and are now happily married years or decades later? Everyone gives broad and generic advice like, "Both need an in depth understanding of AS" or my personal favorite: "Both partners must make a serious commitment to making the relationship work." Well of course everything you said in this article nearly six years ago is true and appropriate... but HOW? Even the books out there do not outline step-by-step advice on HOW to accomplish all of these appropriate tips... where are the tools? Seems unfair to be the #1 result (not your doing but definitely a testament to how many people are seeking help) when you are not telling any NT or Aspie something they haven't already figured out if they have made it down the aisle. If a marriage has sustained even a year in this dynamic, surely both partners already feel that they ARE making a commitment and trying to understand one another (and both likely failing). I am looking forward to the day that I come upon a post by a professional in the field who can actually give factual accounts (from both sides) or a married couple whereby they both claim to be "happy" and share HOW they got there with others. It is strikingly apparent to me that despite all of the best advice, there are not a whole lot of professionals who have figured out a really effective means of bridging the communication gap or they would be promoting that epiphany above all else. I am an NT wife who nearly gave up, and I have found an incredibly unconventional means to rapidly shift the downward spiral my husband and I were going in that no professional has ever suggested. It may be a pseudo-form of empathy, but it is working and better than anything I have read about it any blog post to date. Could you please consider sharing real-life success stories with your readers so that they have something tangible to grasp for their future? www.happyaspergermarriage.com

Kara, I love your input! Please contact me and schedule a time for us to speak. You can schedule a time here: https://calendly.com/steveborgmanlcpc/15min, or you can contact me via steveborgmanlcpc@gmail.com Perhaps we can start off by interviewing you for my Thrive with Aspergers podcast. It would be great if both you and your husband would be on the podcast, so that we can get both a non-Aspie and Aspie perspective.

You have been at this a long time and your posts are at the top of every single internet search result when an NT seeks marriage/relationship advice. Question: Where are all of the real examples of those that have struggled and overcome their Aspie/NT challenges and are now happily married years or decades later? Everyone gives broad and generic advice like, "Both need an in depth understanding of AS" or my personal favorite: "Both partners must make a serious commitment to making the relationship work." Well of course everything you said in this article nearly six years ago is true and appropriate... but HOW? Even the books out there do not outline step-by-step advice on HOW to accomplish all of these appropriate tips... where are the tools? Seems unfair to be the #1 result (not your doing but definitely a testament to how many people are seeking help) when you are not telling any NT or Aspie something they haven't already figured out if they have made it down the aisle. If a marriage has sustained even a year in this dynamic, surely both partners already feel that they ARE making a commitment and trying to understand one another (and both likely failing). I am looking forward to the day that I come upon a post by a professional in the field who can actually give factual accounts (from both sides) or a married couple whereby they both claim to be "happy" and share HOW they got there with others. It is strikingly apparent to me that despite all of the best advice, there are not a whole lot of professionals who have figured out a really effective means of bridging the communication gap or they would be promoting that epiphany above all else. I am an NT wife who nearly gave up, and I have found an incredibly unconventional means to rapidly shift the downward spiral my husband and I were going in that no professional has ever suggested. It may be a pseudo-form of empathy, but it is working and better than anything I have read about it any blog post to date. Could you please consider sharing real-life success stories with your readers so that they have something tangible to grasp for their future? www.happyaspergermarriage.com

I was thinking the same thing as I read this article. It's all true, but where does it show examples of these things and the ugliness that can really be there? It's all too vague and wrapped in a neat little package. Thank you for commenting and linking your blog. I will be coming by for some reading!

You have been at this a long time and your posts are at the top of every single internet search result when an NT seeks marriage/relationship advice. Question: Where are all of the real examples of those that have struggled and overcome their Aspie/NT challenges and are now happily married years or decades later? Everyone gives broad and generic advice like, "Both need an in depth understanding of AS" or my personal favorite: "Both partners must make a serious commitment to making the relationship work." Well of course everything you said in this article nearly six years ago is true and appropriate... but HOW? Even the books out there do not outline step-by-step advice on HOW to accomplish all of these appropriate tips... where are the tools? Seems unfair to be the #1 result (not your doing but definitely a testament to how many people are seeking help) when you are not telling any NT or Aspie something they haven't already figured out if they have made it down the aisle. If a marriage has sustained even a year in this dynamic, surely both partners already feel that they ARE making a commitment and trying to understand one another (and both likely failing). I am looking forward to the day that I come upon a post by a professional in the field who can actually give factual accounts (from both sides) or a married couple whereby they both claim to be "happy" and share HOW they got there with others. It is strikingly apparent to me that despite all of the best advice, there are not a whole lot of professionals who have figured out a really effective means of bridging the communication gap or they would be promoting that epiphany above all else. I am an NT wife who nearly gave up, and I have found an incredibly unconventional means to rapidly shift the downward spiral my husband and I were going in that no professional has ever suggested. It may be a pseudo-form of empathy, but it is working and better than anything I have read about it any blog post to date. Could you please consider sharing real-life success stories with your readers so that they have something tangible to grasp for their future? www.happyaspergermarriage.com

Does it work, not so much.
I have Aspergers, and have been lacking confidence my entire life. I personally think NT's are not gonna understand. Their brains are wired differently than others, and the only person I'd marry is a woman with Aspergers.

This was a tad slanted toward Male As/Female NT relationships, but that's understandable since more men have AS. I wanted to throw in my two cents. A woman with AS may want the things NT women want (emotional connection/understanding) but be frustrated in her inability to obtain that from her partner. Most women have this frustration with their NT men anyway, and it can be even more difficult when you don't know how to communicate your needs to him. Don't assume that just because your AS woman doesn't express this need, that she doesn't have it. She may feel very lonely on the inside much of the time.

Another thing, to be really specific, is for NT people to realize that AS people do not often pick up on expectations unless they are clearly voiced. It's better to ask for what you need rather than simply expect them to automatically know it.

Also avoid anything like "talking down" to the AS partner, because if feels like you're treating them like a child. Or worse, calling them stupid.

Don't expect them to be a party animal all the time. When they step outside their comfort zone and go to a social event with you, do NOT just walk off and go socialize with your friends, leaving them to fend for themselves. For most AS people this is a nightmare. Also understand that if they go to a social function with you, this is a great act of love for them to put themselves in a difficult position to make you happy. Try to appreciate it, but don't push them to stay all night. Some can't handle a 5 hour party but they can do 2 hours or so.

And realize that the AS person, because they aren't concerned with constantly figuring out other people's thoughts and motivations, doesn't realize you and other NTs are concerned with such things. The AS person will very much just be themselves, and there's no need to over-analyze their every action and decide what their thoughts and motivations were. They aren't always aware that Action A equals Motivation B in your mind. In other words, not understanding the impression they are giving off to other people. Just because they do something doesn't mean they do it for the same reasons you do. There is unlikely to be some deep-rooted desire to be rude or hurtful. In fact, the AS person may deeply hurt once they realize they are seen that way.

Sometimes the biggest weakness in NTs is their over-assuming that they know what other people are thinking and saying. AS people aren't as focused on that. Keep in mind when you make constant assumptions about other people's thoughts and motivations, you're likely to be wrong some of the time. Having theory of mind doesn't mean you're always good at it. :)

As a female Aspie in an AS-AS relationship, I found the assumptions that the male had AS and the female was NT made it harder to relate to the article. There seems to be very little recognition of female Aspies and AS-AS relationships in general, so it's not something peculiar to this one article. Women are far less likely to get a diagnosis, but this doesn't necessarily that there are less of them.

Also, the suggestion that the individual with AS should just accept that their NT partner is right is potentially quite dangerous. It's very common for AS females to end up in manipulative and abusive relationships, often due to their inability to recognise inappropriate behaviour, and this particular piece of advice could lead to some very dangerous situations. Unfortunately I speak from experience.

The impression I got was that this was a well-meaning article written from a possible male/NT perspective with little experience of the Aspie community. Perhaps it could be expanded to include more information on other relationship formats?

I know just as many women in my husband's family that are affected by Aspergers as men. I think women are better able to adjust and hide it . . Either way it is a disaster for those who are involved with them. Aspergers is a black hole of despair and depression. To anyone that can avoid it . . you must do so.

This is hurtful to those who are aspies. I'm sure everyone here would like to have some hope and think they have something to offer to other people. It's not like anyone asked to have aspergers.

The problem with that is that Aspies, similar to Sociopaths and Antisocial types, want all the accommodation to be to them and their defect.

I am colorblind. I don't insist that people with color vision are "wrong!" when they see color properly. I don't ask for accommodation to make everyone around me adapt to my color blindness.

Aspies basically don't give a damn about you. They can be taught to pretend to give a damn but it is so emotionally expensive (and their emotion well is pretty shallow to begin with) that they have to lash out with completely inappropriate emotional attacks once they have "pretended" to be normal too long.

Aspies want to be and deserve to be alone. Find a job that involves objects or numbers or any of the fun things that you really care about more than people and live alone for your entire life.

That way you are happy and you don't inflict yourself on innocent bystanders.

Thank you for your perspective, Emily! I've just gotten out of a relationship with an AS (undiagnosed) and what you describe reads like a textbook. I only understood in hindsight that he was an AS (I thought narcissist at first but that didnt gel with many of his genuinely kind and shy character traits). He always told me that I was 'over interpreting' him and not understanding how he feels. I know understand that this was actually true.

The biggest problem for me was his constant criticism of me - my body (not perfect in his eyes), my smell, my way of thinking or doing things, and so on - while all the kind and loving things I did for him never even got mentioned. He did not see it as criticism when he said 'If I could exchange parts of your body you would look very different', he saw it was 'informing me'. He was unable to understand why this utterly crushed me and left me an crying and wanting to break up with him. He really did not understand.

My ex was NT and he constantly criticized me. He tried to diagnose me as AS for having shyness. According to professional therapists, it turns out I'm not AS, but have some social anxiety due to internalizing being made fun of and put down for parts of my life. I feel like being away from my ex is good for my mental health, because I am no longer being put down. I have found many people to be a lot kinder than the classmates I grew up with or my ex, which helps the social anxiety. (It's hard to believe you have nothing to be anxious about if people are giving you reasons to be anxious!) I would like everyone to know that criticizing doesn't have to be an AS trait or a narcissism trait or an NT trait. It is an abuse trait that doesn't have to be tolerated.

Guilty as charged. As NT, I am guilty of each example NOT to do. Recently aware AS (with multiple PD s) I hate myself 4 making his life more miserable than before met me. I knew he needed evaluated. Forced by employer attend therapy. Diagnosis: severely depressed, rx lexapro a year, began illegal medicating, least thing sets him off. Impulsive spending, unusual pre occupation wanting to be alone, I m rambling. Sorry, don't have even 1 friend to bother, if say to few friends he has, they just think he s so intelligent can't converse w/ subjects others want to talk about. Forgot if i have point , good luck and God Bless

Guilty as charged. As NT, I am guilty of each example NOT to do. Recently aware AS (with multiple PD s) I hate myself 4 making his life more miserable than before met me. I knew he needed evaluated. Forced by employer attend therapy. Diagnosis: severely depressed, rx lexapro a year, began illegal medicating, least thing sets him off. Impulsive spending, unusual pre occupation wanting to be alone, I m rambling. Sorry, don't have even 1 friend to bother, if say to few friends he has, they just think he s so intelligent can't converse w/ subjects others want to talk about. Forgot if i have point , good luck and God Bless

I found the information given here to be cruel and biased. It puts forth the idea that NTs are always correct in their behavior and those with 'Aspergers' are wrong--making for a one-sided victim / victimizer relationship. I am convinced that this web page was written by an NT---a thoughtless and insensitive NT.

I found the information given here to be cruel and biased. It puts forth the idea that NTs are always correct in their behavior and those with 'Aspergers' are wrong--making for a one-sided victim / victimizer relationship. I am convinced that this web page was written by an NT---a thoughtless and insensitive NT. It does not offer solutions to help those in an NT & Aspie relationship, but rather indirectly discourages such relationships. After reading such a web page, NTs will be convinced of the impossibility of romantic involvement, or of marrying an Aspie. Shame, shame on you.

"NTs will be convinced of the impossibility of romantic involvement, or of marrying an Aspie".

And that's the best point! How much must a NT woman sacrifce to make her as/nt marriage work? Do you anticipate that??
Try and find an apie partner and be happy together "on your wrong planet". Come on, I'm a NT wife with two sons on the spectrum and I've always wished I hadn't met that man. Heartbreaking but true ...

I couldn't agree more with mile a. I also have 2 children with this woman and I wish I had never met her. I have suffered a breakdown and constant depression. Life will never be the same. These people are just trouble and hopeless at almost everything. And extremely abusive.

"NTs will be convinced of the impossibility of romantic involvement, or of marrying an Aspie".
And that's the best point! How much must a NT woman sacrifce to make her as/nt marriage work? Do you anticipate that??
Try and find an apie partner and be happy together "on your wrong planet". Come on, I'm a NT wife with two sons on the spectrum and I've always wished I hadn't met that man. Heartbreaking but true ...

I totally agree. My AS hubby got abusive 10days after our wedding. I was put under enormous pressure to try to make it work, be understanding, and tolerate behaviors understanding them as part of condition. Now during divorce it is being used as an excuse for his abuse and the issues being denied. If you can't handle a relationship don't go into it. And ironically enough my husband loves parties I hated going with him since he was embarrassing. He saw nothing wrong with himself and most people saw him this way also. Nobody belives me because he puts on the " perfect guy " act in public. But he definitely is AS

After reading these comments and the frustration of all the NT partners, I finally feel that I have come to the answer to all the problems I had been trying to solve in my marriage. I am sure that maybe my AS tried in his way, but the burden of always fixing things and this marriage was always put on my shoulders. After ten years being with this individual, I finally have the strength and self-worth to leave this horrible excuse for a marriage. I hope that my ex will find a person to love him the way that he is, because everyone deserves that....but I just knew that this was not the marriage that I wanted to be a part of. At the end of the day for a this NT to continue to be married to a AS, I would be consenting to a sexless business like partnership...and looking for romantic companionship elsewhere...this is not the example I want to give to my 2 boys...who thankfully are not showing signs of AS. While the article was provides very general guidelines...understand that a lot of NTs will be doing a lot of work to make the marriage bearable. It is a lot of compromise and on our part, changing how we operate. For me, I was not willing to give him or this marriage anything else that has already been taken away from me. I say all this, to say that reading other NT marriage problems is so validating that I am not crazy, because truth be told, a NT/AS marriage can drive the NT nuts because of all the frustration.

You are so right. I was with an AS for 16 years and I ended-up getting so depressed, always trying to accommodate and adjust so that the marriage would work, that I came to a point that I would rather just be dead than to continue with life as his wife. He never really acted like he had a "wife" or was a father. He only wanted to stay in his own world, on his own terms, and it was hell living like that. But in our dating days, he was sooo sweet. I miss the man I married, BUT not the man I divorced.

Not every AS person is abusive. Many NT people are abusive. The problem is your husband is abusive. Period. You don't have to tolerate that. Generally speaking, abusive people tend to have excuses for why they abuse. It may be addiction, family of origin, or they blameshift onto the victim. But, please don't think everyone who has autism is like that. It's an abuse problem, not an autism problem. Many are not abusive, but are deeply hurt themselves. I'm looking at these comments, thinking how autistic people must feel reading them.

I've been married to a man for 7 years who can be sweet, loving and charming. He also has AS and in the past 2 years has been becoming more and more abusive. He had a psych evaluated by an AS aware psych who confirmed this was due to HFA which affects his anger/emotional control abilities. He can't do many life responsibilities and rather than learning how or asking for help, he lashed out at me. After he's done that it turns into how bad that made HIM feel. I know this is just my experience but the more I've reached out to women married to people on the spectrum the more I hear these stories. I think compassion for ones condition and understanding of its challenges is great BUT everyone can learn how to not be abusive. No spouse should be repeatedly told to bend themselves to their partner so their partner won't be hurtful.

Hi, Mims. I'm wondering whether, with increased insight, your husband has been willing to recognize that he's become abusive, and is he willing to work on changing that behavior?

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me, Steve. Yes and No? Not a very satisfying answer, I know. What I mean by that is-his abuse takes the form of angry meltdowns, name calling and physical intimidation. He sees these things as "mistakes" but I think stops short of defining it as abuse. He's done counseling which I think helped but he lacks the insight I think to be aware that whatever it is he's feeling is just what he's feeling, if that makes sense. As someone else pointed out theory of mind stuff gets tricky in that, if he calls me names it was because I "was mean" but he shouldn't have "lost his temper" whereas if I come home sore and tired from work and just need some quiet for 10 min I'm "taking my bad day out" on him. It really feels hopeless. I hate the idea that autism would cause legitimate CRUELTY towards other human beings but since I've been trying my hardest to figure out what to do I've been on many groups, forums (AS/NT or NT, etc) and it just seems to be a running theme that he's going to behave in a way that's hurtful but I should just be more understanding of where this hurtful behavior is coming from. There seems to be a lot of abusive behaviors that develop along with autism/AS. I realize this could be my own cognitive bias since I doubt happily married couples are spending much time on forums.

It would be helpful, I would think, if both you and your husband could see a therapist who specializes in Aspergers/autism and understands that your husband needs to understand specific behaviors he does that are abusive. Defining terms such as "mean" and "abusive" might go a long way in helping him realize what is okay and what is not okay? And no, you can be understanding, but you are entitled to the same rights any other human being has for love and respect. Both partners are due those rights, and both need to work on themselves in order to provide the love and respect for the other.

I'm male and have been married for 42 years come the end of next month. I've known since I was a small child that I am different to most people. I was officially diagnosed 'probably ASD, most likely AS' 16 years ago. My wife doesn't believe I have ASD/AS but says I am just different. My ASD/AS traits are more of a problem to me than to her as I go off on guilt trips when I realise ASD/AS has gotten the better of me in something I have said or done to her. I believe I am old enough to 'know better' and to accordingly 'behave better'. Thankfully, I have one big thing going for me. I made my marriage vows to God - not her - and I don't intend on Judgement Day having to make excuses for breaking my vows to Him. So, in my marriage, I am the one who says sorry, tries harder, and finds ways every day of saying 'I love you'. And it works. I commend such a strategy.

Adrian, thank you for your very sensitive comments. You may want to share this article or other articles I have written with your wife and see if she recognizes any of those characteristics in you. I am so impressed with how sensitive you are to our wife, and that you work so hard on yourself and your marriage. That's very positive and encouraging for all of us to see! And a challenge to all of us who are married to follow your example :)

Your dedication to your spiritual commitment has made all the difference in the world. I just know you will be continually blessed for your efforts.

We can all learn from this. We commit to being a better person....not trying to get our way or defending our hurt feelings. I am not saying anyone is wrong for suffering from how hard and confusing it is to deal with Aspergers. It is why so many just give up. Yet, I think if we see it as a spiritual journey, it is much easier to accept what is and is not happening, while still being able to make progress.

That is SO beautiful to read! You're wife is very blessed to be married to you!
I was planning to marry my guy, but found him so focused on himself, without any interest in me and who I am, no personal questions whatsoever. I tried to ignore my feelings, but that made my fairly unhappy. Then he started to demand total submission to him. That's what the bible says, he told me. No discussion possible. That opened my eyes and I stepped out of the relationship. Only after that I discovered about Asperger's and it makes total sense. Leaving him behind 'like a puppy' makes me feel horrible though.

I've been married for 52 years and only a few years ago found out my husband has aspergers. And only then after insisting that he be tested.I know what you mean about puppy, however you were very lucky to have recognised the problem early on. Thinking my husband was just spoiled 'another side to this' I stuck it out believing he'd learn. He didn't. He's in a convelescent home now and I'm broken and find it too late to move on. I desparately want a healthly, loving relationship. PS my husband loves me - but it's a love based on what I can
do for him. That's the only way he feels loved!

from anonymous, "PS my husband loves me - but it's a love based on what I can
do for him. That's the only way he feels loved!". I have been married for 50 years to just such a person. To complicate things he was diagnosed with Parkinson's 8 years ago. It was only when I realized that much of his behaviour predated the diagnoses, by 50 years, that I began to look into the possibility of Aspburgers. We have a grandson with an official diagnosis and I understand that there could be a hereditary component. I believe my oldest is also an "Aspie" but at least he can be empathetic and is willing to help me out. Anyway, the Parkinson's has put things over the top and, given my own health issues, cancer twice, and chronic pain, I am seriously question how much longer I can stay in this relationship. I admit that he is finally acknowledging some of what I do for him, but it may be too little to late. I am not getting any younger and feel I have to take care of myself after 50 years of taking care of him.

Thank you for your very honest comments .
I am an NT wife of almost 20 years to my husband who is AS .
I also made my views before God so strive to make my marriage work .My husband spends long periods of time away from home with his job and I am never sure how he will be when he returns .
He provides and does very sweet things but it is painful for him to express feelings and have anything to do with the friends I have had to make for companionship .
Would be good to converse about things ?

Thank you Stephen... Your words are right on...My husband and I went to therapy after our 1st year of marriage(it was either that or I was going to leave him or kill him and I loved him too much for that... but he was driving me nuts...any way...we are almost at 8 years together and very happy now... our psychologist saw what we brought to the table and recognized AS in my Billy...some days are tough but he is so special...and I am one of the very few people he lets into his strange yet beautiful world...that goes a long way for me....with that said...
I wonder, with all your research if you have ever linked MIGRAINES to AS...My husband is a chronic sufferer since the age of 7...we have seen several Drs and "Headache Specialists" Yeah right...Anything you might have on this would be so appreciated...thanks very much....Karen

Karen, I'm sorry it took a while for me to get back to you. Unfortunately, I am not an expert in the headache field by any means. I don't know if there is a link between stress and migraines in your husband's case? But beyond that, I can't give medical advice, and I had not heard about his link before, but I will keep my eyes and ears open for anything I may hear in my ongoing research in this field.

No, I don't think so. I've never heard of social psychosis, but it seems as though psychosis has to do with a 'break' in reality. That is not the case with Asperger's syndrome. No one with autism spectrum conditions is, by definition, delusional or hearing voices. The difference is in difficulty interpreting non-verbal social cues.

As an Aspie I would disagree with you on that bit. I know my wife may be right about herslef and other people, but when she has misinterpreted me, and insists again she is right, then that is not useful. And when she deliberately escalates the emotional tension, so I can't think then she is not helpign with problem solvinmg.

Thank you for your feedback. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. The difficulty in any relationship is when each partner believes each of them is 100% right and the other is 100% wrong. It's important to learn where each person is coming from, not to deliberately escalate emotional tension. And it can be helpful to have a third party when the arguments are particularly complicated. For example, having a trained marriage and family therapist who understands Aspie NT differences would be very helpful if you find yourself arguing over the same things time and again without resolution.

Actually, I think what was said was that that NT partner is usually correct about the role in the relationship, not about understanding your behavior. (I'm a NT wife married to a man in the process of seeking diagnosis.) I can misinterpret why my spouse is doing what he's doing, sure...but I'm usually dead-on correct about how his actions are effecting the dynamics of our family, because I honestly just have a much better handle on how others are receiving him (including our children). He's generally oblivious.

This what I went through as well. I have A.S. found out at the age of 47. We both did. Once confirmed I was not very accepting. Then started reading about A.S. and discovered it was a fit.
But my wife for years suspected. I was too internal to act on her advise. Now we have separated I feel like I'm responsible. I get depressed to the point of ending my life. I need a companion and need to feel wanted. It has been a realy tough journey for me. I am an emotional being like most. Husband & wife for over 10 years and have children. It has always been one of my worst fears (a screwed up marriage with children)now like a very bad dream it has come true. I am a tough person and excell in my industry. And if not for my children. I hate to think of it. But I would not be here now to see them mature. So my message here is the NT is not always right. Like anyone else life sometimes gives you a lemon it is up to BOTH NT & AS persons to make lemonade (make it right). Especially if children are involved. I been finding there is a lot of negative publishing about A.S. . Why not look as some of the positives. Like stability, honor, creative thinking, integraty, and yes emotional awareness of others. A high level of understanding should be considered insted of writing about the same old same old negatives. Where are the positive qualities of an Aspie ? Like anyone else there is good and bad.

I totally agree with you regarding the need to highlight the positive aspects of Aspergers and the autism spectrum. Here's an article I just wrote on the subject: http://www.myaspergers.net/recognize-positive-aspergers-characteristics/

Wow ! - your story sounds almost exactly like mine. My heart goes out to you and the grief you are suffering. I am 52 and like it said "blue" over the realization my wife no longer wants to deal with my "traits". I am late coming in my realization of being AS but the diagnosis fits, and it really explains why I suffered so many social mis-steps growing through this age. I am trying really hard to improve upon myself because I have realized that "myself" is all that I can control. I too wish to retain the comfort of my established relations and family, however its really hard to garner any support or empathy from NTs that dont understand. I get why they feel bad - they assume the world is all NT and someone like me stands out less like an AS but like an A$$. I am blesse with analytical powers though - my work requires it - If I can learn through dialogue and reasoning through forums and support groups and literature, I aim to be that better person - for myself and for the example I provide to my child. Naturally, I hope my wife sees that in me as well and changes her mind.

Again, for you please dont do anything rash - know that god loves you and find a support group - I ghave found 2 so far and I intend on immersing myself for the support , learning and understanding they give me in this emotionally dry time of my life

Dear Anonymous, thank you for your thoughtful reply to Blue and 52. I am an NT wife married to an AS husband. We have been married 24 years, but just found out about his AS about a year ago.

I admire your desire to learn through dialogue, reasoning and support groups, and I salute your aim to be a better person for yourself and especially for your children.

I know you don't have "the answer", but whatever insight you can share would be helpful. Here's the problem: my husband says he wants our relationship to last, to be workable, that he wants to be a better partner, but he is not taking any practical steps to help him work at those changes. In truth he has never been very motivated in his actions to change even before we had the diagnosis, but now I am so discouraged that even though we have this diagnosis, a solid starting place, he is no more motivated to seek change then he ever was.

Don't misunderstand, we have had years and years of counseling both separately and together. We have talked at nausea-um about changes we both need to make, we've drawn up life plans, marriage plans, agreements etc. etc., but in the end he doesn't follow through with actions. I have tried everything I know to adapt myself, my expectations, my life to make this workable, but I can't make this relationship work by myself, and I am emotionally and physically worn out trying.

Our relationship has been badly scarred by some seriously bad choices he has made, which only complicated our relationship further. Some of the things he did in our past I now honestly think involved his AS and his inability to understand or appreciate the pain he was inflicting on other people, along with other issues. In light of my new understanding of his AS it has been much easier to forgive his past transgressions and not to take so personally his lack of desire to connect with me on an emotional level. What I don't understand is his lack of desire to learn how to connect with me. Despite his mistakes I love my husband dearly and I know that he loves me dearly despite his shortcomings. However,those things along with his continued lack of effort to change have left me feeling hopeless about the future of our marriage.

I guess I am hoping you might help me gain some understanding from the AS perspective. Although you sound like you currently are motivated to make some necessary changes perhaps in the past you have struggled with what I have described here. Or perhaps you have some other insight that might help me cope better. Anything you might have to offer would be so appreciated.

I am on the far end of where you are headed. My husband could not even accept that he has AS. Only being diagnosed about 7 years ago,after a grandchild was diagnosed and my insisting that my husband be tested. This was the first that I'd heard much of anything about AS, but it fit. My husband's upbringing has made the situation even worse. If he hadn't been a 'nice' guy, I could not have stuck it out. However,when our youngest child was about 12 I realized he was more mature than his dad. Presently, my husband is in a convelesant home, not happy about it. I can not take care of him. I'm only now healing and wish every day for a loving relationship with someone. Only you can decide what to do, the very least that I'd recommend is learn to take care of yourself and build a life that can provide at least some of your needs. Good luck.