all the fun of the fair...

Thursday, October 28, 2004

untitled...

Tired. Just tired. Exciting, no?

I had to postpone tonight's chiropractic appointment for monetary reasons. I haven't had a medical plan where I've paid a deductible - well, ever - and I completely forgot about that part. Nor did I know until today that the co-pay would be $30 (instead of the $15 I was thinking it would be), which I don't have until tomorrow. So I'm going to reschedule for a time when all of that can be taken care of.

Just as well. I'm really tired today. Not just physically, but mentally too. At least I got home earlier than I anticipated, since it turned out the opening night party was a bust. I'd heard that the movie preceding it wasn't very good, so it was speculated that the audience members didn't want to hang out with the cast and crew and pretend that they liked it.

Just as well. Most of the celebrities on the list were people I didn't recognize because I don't watch The O.C. or Grounded for Life or some other Fox/WB show I can't remember. The only person of note to me that showed up was Laura Prepon, who plays Donna on That 70s Show, and that's because I worked as an audience page for its first two seasons (I think she was cuter as a redhead). Didn't recognize the others. Which means I am officially Too Old.

Which I don't have a problem with because I don't think I would have watched those shows had they been in existence when I was in their target demographic.

Still, the other volunteers were nice and the woman organizing the volunteers for the party actually took me home last night, which means that I got home at about 12:30am instead of nearly 2am as I anticipated. So not a bad evening after all. And tomorrow night and Friday will be spent at the theater where most of the films will be shown. I think I'll like that.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

a quick check-in...

...from Ackerman Union at UCLA. I figure since I posted an entry the last time I was here, on my birthday in April while attending the Book Fair, I'd post again. Maybe this will be a new tradition of mine.

Anywho, tonight is the first night of the Culver City Film Festival and I'm due for my shift at the opening night party in a few minutes. It should be fun. Aside from checking people in and giving them wristbands, I have no idea what I'll be doing tonight, but that's okay. I'm sure I won't be doing that for the full four hours. Though I don't relish the thought of not getting home until close to 2am, it can't be helped.

I'll try to check back in tomorrow - no film festival for me since I have a chiropractic appointment after work and I may be useless. If I spy any celebs tonight, I'll let y'all know. Because despite my many years in this town and more than a few years spent around celebrities, inside I still get all giddy.

Monday, October 25, 2004

lazy is as lazy does...

Because I am a bad lil' blogger (i.e. lazy and tired and tapped for actual words, if not ideas), but because I also hate to think of y'all clicking over to find nothing new for another four more days, here's something quick and easy: Googlism. Try it! It's fun and informative! But, judging by the finds below, not fun for the whole family.

(I've seen Googlism before, but this time 'round I snagged the idea from Chris.)

Some of these could very well apply to me. There may even be a few of my own personal comments added in parentheses:

carol is in brazil
carol is now offering the complete wheel pull video
carol is a local bicycle racing star and today
carol is hot and naked and ready to fuck play vegas style games (How dare LiterateLawyerGuy spill the beans!)carol is hot and naked and ready to fuck asian teens asian teens (Um, no.)carol is one of my older sisters (I'm the older sister.)carol is hot and naked and ready to fuck about shemales pleasure (Again, no. Though I have discovered someone I once dated many moons ago is now into this. Don't ask how I found out...)carol is the best (That goes without saying. But you can say it anyway.)carol is born (That's what my birth certificate says.)carol is hot and naked and ready to fuck (Again with the hot and naked. Much like the two above, it's a given. Moving on...)carol is a graduate of fuller
carol is a princess (No, that's "goddess". Can't mix the two up, ya know.)carol is hot and naked and ready to fuck oh how i
carol is hot and naked and ready (Wow, apparently I'm quite the little slut. I wish I could remember it. There are actually quite a few more in which I am "hot and naked and ready to fuck," with various people/inanimate objects/animals, but they now bore me so they are getting snipped.)carol is on the crest of a wave
carol is born by maureen brett hooper illustrated by kasi kubiak boyds mills press
carol is crowned miss lesbian beauty (I'm thinking, not so much. Maybe a few bi tendencies, but I like men too much to ever be truly lesbian. Sorry, Googlism.)carol is a one (singular sensation...)carol is the story of a teenage girl whose life seems normal enough until she notices music disappearing from all around her (This would completely freak me out.)carol is now offering the complete wheel pull video of the 2002 iwpa national championships held in cadillac michigan may 4 (I am? Huh.)carol is a computational scientist research staff member at lawrence livermore national laboratory working in the center for applied scientific computing (How bloody cool would this be if it were true? )carol is a local bicycle racing star and today she is in the race of her life
carol is hot and naked and ready to fuck hot chocolate kisses (Okay, I left this one in because, hey! Chocolates! Always good!)carol is ready (For what, pray tell? Oh yeah! To fuck!)carol is a very (Yes, I am a very. Who blabbed?)carol is developing and will be teaching a craniosacral therapy for pregnancy and childbirth course for the
carol is a staunch advocate of women's reproductive rights and serves on the planned parenthood political action fund for houston and southeast texas (This one and the above one? Very cool.)carol is fine (They have a masterful grasp of the obvious. For yes, I am very fine.)carol is a student (Of life!)carol is now a student
carol is rude (Oh yeah? Well, fuck you too!)carol is the morning and daytime edition anchor at news 12 long island
carol is visited by the ghost of her recently deceased employer (Just in time for Halloween! Spooky!)carol is in the air (Can you feel me coming in the air tonight? Oh lord.)carol is a real estate agent that is known in the community of chester for her dedicated client service (Because I love my Chester clients!)carol is a registered polarity practitioner (Yes, I am! No, I'm not! YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS! Oh wait, that's abuse...)carol is married to noel giambalvo and currently resides in florida
carol is a real estate agent that is known in the community of chester for their dedicated client service (Again? I really loooove them!)carol is very helpful in exposing young people to good writing (I try my best.)carol is a ghost of a tale about the mean
carol is directed by one of asf?s resident company members
carol is out of context (Ain't that the G-d's honest truth?)carol is right (And...?)carol is ace gold certified (Again, I say, "And...?")carol is a real estate agent that is known in the community of bozeman for their dedicated client service (I love Bozeman, too. Just don't tell Chester. It'll break their hearts.)carol is the ability to hand over a project and forget about it (Sometimes I forget about it before I hand it in. I'm just that good.)carol is trying too hard to convince herself that all is well (Isn't that what this blog is all about?)carol is cool (I love Googlism. I really do.)carol is a passbyproxy object residing in the same vat as alice (Wha-? Alice, get out of my vat!)carol is a composer
carol is wonderful in presentation and guidance
carol is the mater figure of the channel
carol is grateful for the wonderful feedback she's received from families
carol is president of gold coast fiction writers and editor of wordsmith
carol is responsible for preparing the personnel department payroll and processing other department payrolls to ensure compliance with all ordinances
carol is president of quality plus technologies
carol is a highly acclaimed seminar leader who provides advanced training to both clinical and corporate audiences internationally
carol is an avid supporter of this very worthwhile cause
carol is told that she cannot adopt tatiana
carol is the author of the powerful booklet
carol is also interested in accounting theory
carol is recommended by fellow agents for honesty and integrity as an experienced nova scotia real estate agent professional (Yes, I'm a real estate whore! *sob*)carol is an experienced nursing executive with a long track record in both the teaching and community hospital environment
carol is failing john's course and goes to his office for help ("Oh John, you big strong man, whatever can I do to ensure I get a passing grade? I'll do anything..." She lowered her eyelashes as her delicate hands moved to the buttons of her blouse...)carol is a real estate agent that is known in the community of bozeman for her dedicated client service
carol is no surprise (What? I'd better work on that, then.)carol is a library allowing to use different rmi implementations
carol is one well
carol is a very centered person who eased us into simple methods of reevaluating our thinking in all areas of life (And I'm happy all of you have realized this.)carol is a native to the mid cities area and is now residing in bedford
carol is trying to get a rise out of henry the old (Henry's not that old. Honest. And it wasn't hard to get a rise out of him at all...)carol is the most caring (I do try. Honestly.)carol is now a cult figure in the far east (As befits a goddess of my stature.)carol is hot (Ya know, such a statement of the painfully obvious really embarasses me.)carol is frequently interviewed on local
carol is the only er nurse in the hospital
carol is (But what is the meaning of the word "is"?)carol is a certified residential specialist
carol is a surprisingly effective
carol is also an animal lover (This is very true.)carol is an artist who lives and works in new york city
carol is truly a gifted and natural teacher who creates a very unique environment in which to learn
carol is responsible for controlled environmental monitoring and biological safety testing
carol is also honoured to be appointed the south australian representative of the world (Considering I'm not Australian, I'm very honoured. See how I spelt it the British way?)carol is an asset to my leadership team because she shares my commitment to creative solutions and improving efficiency through technology
carol is variously known as "the huron carol" or as " 'twas in the moon of winter time
carol is a previews estates director and has been awarded membership in the firm's
carol is tough on crime; carol has always responded to all constituent letters and phone calls; carol passed the toughest whistleblower law in the country
carol is active in the community and until recently served on a united way committee
carol is hot and naked and ready to fuck (It's been awhile, but it's still as true now as it was then.)carol is an intuitive facilitator and
carol is a winner for weather
carol is a cut above the rest
carol is crowned miss lesbian beauty
carol is one smart player
carol is all girl (You got that right. Except that one time in Burma...)carol is misleading
carol is hot (Still hot, it's true.)carol is" october 11
carol is blogging about" october 13
carol is nothing more than a children’s
carol is in brazil
carol is a one
carol is here
carol is having withdrawl
carol is a hottie
carol is stealer sexi melayu
carol is hot and naked
carol is now offering the complete wheel pull video
carol is selling out fast
carol is born
carol is cool
carol is sadomasoquismo pre teenage girl
carol is dr
carol is becoming a mommy right now (What? When did that happen? Um, immaculate conception, anyone?)carol is fifty (Not for twelve years, so bite your tongue! Bite it hard, baby...)carol is in heaven (Not yet. Give me about eighty years.)carol is raunchy interacial swinger (Not yet. Give me about-- Uh, never mind.)carol is right (Damned straight!)carol is nordic masterbation tecniques (Yeah? So?)carol is one of my older sisters (Oh no, they've found me!)carol is venezuela erotic wrestling
carol is a nude and nearly always naked naturist who
carol is illegal sensual sex (I'm not illegal. But I'm so good I should be.)carol is thumnailed animale porn
carol is marica wank thumbnail
carol is coming
carol is found in annie
carol is a one carol is now offering the complete wheel pull video carol is the best carol is perhaps the tightest milf yet carol is a local bicycle racing
carol is gm
carol is blogging about (Yep, I certainly am. Ladidadia... Just blogging about the countryside with my bag of words, planting them as I go, trusty blue ox by my side...)carol is nothing more than a children’s fairytale?” how far do you agree with this statement? current page (Well, that challenges my sense of self and reality.)carol is proud to be an active member of (But don't tell anyone. It's a secret society.)carol is the #919 most common male name (In Hungary, perhaps.)carol is kind of like old home week at playhouse in the park
carol is a real estate agent that is known in the community of bridgewater for her dedicated client service (These people are outing me to my other communites. Stop that!)carol is a real estate agent that is known in the community of chatham for her dedicated client service
carol is directed by one of asf’s resident company members
carol is wonderful in presentation and guidance
carol is a senior editor for a small romantic press
carol is green (It's not easy, you know.)carol is here to help you make your move (So tell me, what would you like that move to be?)carol is a certified residential specialist
carol is the founder and owner of carol briney enterprises
carol is available for daytime and evening events (Actually, just evening events. But what memorable evenings they will be...)carol is featured in the following dvds current page
carol is dreamy for the camera (I'm just dreamy.)carol is also the founder and creator of the product referred to as the "canine fountain of youth" as seen and advertised on national television
carol is a member of the national association of realtors (I think that's painfully clear by now.)carol is an asset to my leadership team because she shares my commitment to creative solutions and improving efficiency through technology
carol is a highly acclaimed seminar leader who provides advanced training to both clinical and corporate audiences internationally

Saturday, October 23, 2004

a wee update...

Yes, I know, I was on a roll for so long and then, Boom! No updates for four whole days! But know y'all were just fine without me. You're resilient like that. That's one of the many reasons I love you, my tremendously spectacular readers.

(BTW, Blogger's spell-check is still funky with my home computer and I'm too lazy/rushed to spell-check elsewhere. The lazy/rushed reason also explains a lack of links that I would normally provide. So right up front I'm apologizing for any mis-spelled words/missing links [does that mean I'm apologizing for Bush? No I'm not.]. Sorry! Moving on...)

I was thinking about blaming my lack of updates on that fella that has recently reappeared in my life, because we've been exchanging Tolstoy-novel-sized e-mails and IMing up a storm (now the Angelenos know where all the rain came from this week - sorry about that!), sucking away anything resembling creativity for anyone else. But that would be rather disingenuous of me. He's only been sucking up about half of my creativity. Including, apparently, any creativity that would go towards giving him a nickname, because I'm still drawing a blank. He suggested TheFirst, because he's a Buffy fan too and the combination of him being my first date ever and The First Evil from Buffy would be neat, especially since he says he's quite evil. Never mind that it turned out that The First Evil was an incredibly lame Big Bad. But readers might take it as him being my first, well, you know, (rhymes with "cover" and has to do with something that sounds like "hex"). And since he wasn't that guy for me, we both thought maybe not so much.

It'll come eventually. Still, this whole reconnecting thing is way too much fun and I am having a blast with it. So much so it's almost too bad that he's gotten himself happily married with kids. Well, too bad for me, not bad at all for him. I am happy for him, because when I read his words about his wife and children it's very obvious how much he loves them. And that is exceedingly fabulous.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say hi, let y'all know I'm still around, that I have been a wee bit busy and I just haven't been in the mood to write much, though there are things I'd like to write about and I have comments to reply to.

Anyway, it's a busy weekend for me with a party at my VP's place in Manahttan Beach today, crashing at Sarriah's tonight because I have to be on the Westside tomorrow for an orientation for the Culver City Film Festival that I'm volunteering for next weekend. And I have to go back to the laundromat to check on clothes I've got drying and I've yet to take a shower, so off I go.

I'll probably check in tomorrow night. A terrific weekend to y'all!

(Here's where I'd be all, "Kiss, kiss, hug, hug," but that's just too freaking peppy/Hollywood for even me. So here's a hearty handshake instead.)

Monday, October 18, 2004

awesome and full of poo-tential...

So I jump on my blog here and I write. And write. And then I write some more. Sure, I write about personal matters and my feelings and what's happening next in my life.

But I also rail about our current administration and urge people to vote and sometimes throw my hands up at the everything, wondering what the point is, but remembering that no matter how frustrated I get, I'm still going to vote for the candidate of my choice on November 2.

Why am I going to vote, even though I sometimes wonder why I should even try?

Because of this. Because Sarah Bunting is so dead on. Because the US does belong to every single American citizen and it's up to her citizens to make it as good a country as they can. As we can.

Bush? Yeah, it's his country too. After all, he's an American citizen. He just happens to have the reins right now and is doing a piss-poor job of driving the country. He's demonstrably doing the worst job in many a generation. So let someone else at the reins for awhile, someone who'll make a better driver. But that doesn't make it any less Bush's country.

Since this is my country too, I'm going to vote to help turn her around. Because even though I'd love to travel all over the world, spend time in other nations and get to know their people, in the end I suspect, no matter how much I will probably love Great Britain and France and maybe even the Netherlands, the US is the country I'll come home to.

Because it is my home and I love her. And because I love her, I want to do right by her. Voting is the very least I can do.

Addendum: Y'all don't know how close I was to singing Anthem from Chess. Good thing I was alone in the showroom at the time.

traveling twitch...

Over the last month my left eyelid has decided to react to stress by having itself a little twitch. It's not a constant twitch, or even a frequent one, thank heavens, but it is distracting, nonetheless.

Well, it appears that my right eyelid is a little jealous of all the attention, so this morning it's decided to get in on the act. Luckily my left eyelid is taking a break. I'm so happy my eyelids can take turns like that. They're very sharing that way.

I tell ya, all this twitching keeps up and I'm going to have the most in-shape eyelids ya ever did see.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

not what i'd hoped...

Four months ago I had a vision for this weekend. A vision of pain and exhaustion and fun. I'd imagined three or four days spent in a city I love - San Francisco - where I'd jog my (not-so) little feet off for a good cause. And I imagined spending a fair amount of it with a fella I was rather fond of.

Instead my Friday off was spent doing errands and seeing a podiatrist who merely confirmed what I'd already thought - that I put my poor ankles and feet through some serious trauma at the end of August and they would be best served by buying some really good shoes (which I can't afford right now) and taking 2-3 Advil with meals, then calling him in a week's time to let him know if the ever-present slight swelling has gone down. Nevermind that I have a sensitive stomach and chronic heartburn.

The rest of the weekend has been spent inside, catching up on shows I taped, dozing, playing with and petting the cats, writing a little bit and listening to the rain outside. That fella I'd imagined spending this weekend with? Nowhere in sight because I decided that I couldn't handle my damned emotions. He's waiting for me to make the next move, which I dearly want to do, but am so not ready for. And my petty side has reared up when my imagination runs riot wondering what he's doing this weekend instead.

I am exhausted, but not for the reasons I thought. And I am in pain, but it's not the muscle pain I anticipated. It's my all-too-often felt emotional pain, and I am tired of it.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be better. After all, tomorrow is another day, is it not?

debate thoughts...

Not too many, though. I finally sat down and watched the last three debates that I had on tape but hadn't yet watched. Hey, it's not like I could find the energy to do anything else. Not even writing. And even those viewings were punctuated with catnaps, because I'd lie on my sofa, watching the debates intently, then realize that I had no idea what the candidate was saying. So then I turned it off, napped for about 30 minutes, then turn it back on.

The hardest debate to get through? The vice presidential debate. I kept dozing through that one, but I made it through, nonetheless.

I think the toughest part of the debates for me was when I'd think, for one instant, "Hey, what Bush/Cheney said kinda made sense." Of course, I immediately remembered that neither would know the truth if it hit them in the back of the head with a clue-by-four, but those brief instances were mighty scary.

I don't know. There's just so much that was pounded on by both sides, and I took in so much of it in one sitting, that my brain is a bit mushed and coherent thoughts have gone the way of the dodo.

Obviously I haven't changed my mind. I'm still voting for Kerry. When he is elected President (keeping a postive outlook here) I'm not sure how he's going to keep - or pay for - all the promises he's making. I'm pretty sure he won't be able to, what with Congress and all having their say in the matter (as they should - checks and balances, baby). But if he at least makes the effort, proves that he is absolutely sincere about his promises, he'll already be ten times better than Bush.

There was one point that I threw somthing at the TV. During the town hall debate, when Bush was talking about Kerry voting against the partial birth abortion ban and the parental advising. Kerry gave two very good refutations to Bush's "It's so simple" spiel and Bush didn't even hear them. Bush's inability to even consider that Kerry may have been correct about allowing so-called partial birth abortions when the life of the mother is in danger or saying that advising parents of a teenager's abortion in instances where the girl has been raped by her father? I considered throwing something heavy at the TV, but opted instead for throwing a plastic bottle cap.

west valley ghosts...

I took Friday off because I had several things to accomplish. All of which I managed to do, with the aid of my trusty rental car. I picked it up at 9am, shopped at a nearby Target for all the heavy kitty stuff I needed, then headed over to the west side of the San Fernando Valley.

I had to pick up a bunch of legal paperwork for my mom, since her divorce lawyer left the legal profession and dropped it all off at a lawyer who was frankly useless and wouldn't even mail the paperwork to her, citing it as too heavy to mail. As I told him when I showed up, I mail 20-30 pound packages on a regular basis, so nothing is too heavy to mail. The truth is he didn't want to spend the money to mail it. But since the thought of trusting the paperwork to the USPS left me uneasy, I decided to pick it up. I'll have copies made so that we don't have to rely on the courts if a needed piece of paper goes missing. I'm very anal about that sort of thing.

So there I was Friday, tooling around the western San Fernando Valley, and once again I was assailed by ghosts. I've been on my eastern end of the Valley for so long that I've gotten used to the spectors of events past, so when I journey to the opposite end of the Valley I always forget how many of my ghosts live there.

First of all, I knew I was pretty close to CuteNerdBoy's place. The lawyer's office is probably within a mile or two of CuteNerdBoy's apartment, which I didn't realize until I Mapquest'd the lawyer's address. This pulled me up short, and while there I felt his presence rather strongly. Indeed, it was only through strength of my usually faultering will that I didn't go looking for his building.

As I drove up Topanga Canyon Blvd. I passed what used to be the theater where I went on my first date and where I saw Rocky Horror Picture Show multiple times with my second boyfriend. I also knew that the gentleman with whom I had that first date worked in the area, since he re-established contact last week we've exchanged a few e-mails.

(Looks like we're gonna keep this friendship deal going. Yea! Of course, that means I'm currently working on an appropriate nickname. After changing GrüvLoungeGoth's nickname a few times, I want to make sure this new/not-too-new person has just the right nickname.)

Once upon a time in the late 80s I had lived very near the area for a few months, a disastrous time with three male roommates, only one of whom was any good as a roommate. And in the parking lot of the shopping center where I chose to have an early lunch on Friday was where the Ex and I shared our first kiss.

Why I'm so susceptible to those ghosts I really can't say. Why I so often feel their presence is beyond me. This is a wistful week for me (and really, what week isn't), and I daresay I feel everything rather keenly right now. And my conflicted feelings of "Want to/don't want to run into CuteNerdBoy" certainly didn't help matters.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to conquer my ghosts. I wouldn't know where to start.

bloggers in flesh and blood...

I tried to write this Thursday night, but my brain, she was gone. Complex words such as "the" and "a" eluded my usually nimble brain. This should remind me that when the sleep is little, so is the smarts.

Since then, a busy Friday off led to a complete lack of energy the rest of the weekend. But it is long past time to relate my account of this momentous meeting of bloggers. Okay, if you want to be technical about it, of the five assembled, three were bloggers, one an online journaler and one an innocent bystander. But that made it no less momentous. At last I can tell the tale.

Last Sunday, whilst hosting the charming Mr. Amaya he mentioned that Madame Atkins (aka my lovely quiz pusher Beth - he had stopped by there before heading over to my humble abode) had suggested that she, her most funny husband Chuck, Steve, Steve's beautiful wife Viv and myself get together for dinner at some point. I thought it sounded like a swell idea, so I heartily concurred, as I wrote Beth later in the evening.

The evening, place and time were agreed to in fairly short order: Thursday at a yummy Mexican restaurant in Burbank, mere blocks from my former workplace. I daresay I didn't make the best initial impression as I ended up arriving a bit late due to needing to finish sales reports and buses stuck in rush hour traffic. However, I did endeavor to keep Steve updated on my progress via payphones and I did end up arriving earlier than I anticipated.

Of course Steve was familiar to me and he was facing the door in the back room of the place, so I spotted him first, but meeting Beth, Chuck and Viv was all I thought it would be. I felt a little nervous at first, mainly because I'd been either reading them or reading about them for so long. It felt like I was meeting celebrities. But, much like Steve on our first phone conversation and meeting, they quickly dispelled that feeling, making me feel comfortable. Indeed, the only reason I was as quiet as I was that evening was because 1) I'm usually quiet in groups when I'm not the organizer - my shy observer coming to fore - and 2) I was starting to feel my lack of sleep creep up on me.

Several hours of excellent food, laughter and conversation about this and that and the other followed. Finally we parted company with hugs and "Great to meet you!" all around, with the generous Viv proposing they drop me off at my nearby apartment, which Steve proceeded to do.

It was a fun night. I'd like get together with them again, if they'll have me. Maybe I'll be a little more lively next time.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

sounds different to me...

I think I need to tattoo the following words on my forehead:

"It was a cough, but thank you."

I don't know what it is, but every time I cough once, every single person hears it as a sneeze and says, "Bless you." Even people who have known me for years mistake my coughs for sneezes and proceed to bless me. It's funny, actually.

When I hear myself cough, it sounds like a cough to me. Just like my sneezes sound like sneezes and not that oh-so-ladylike 'choo I hear some people use.

(Seriously, how can any pressure be relieved by the teeny-tiny sneeze? How does the pressure not build up until the head explodes? It's a mystery to me.)

I actually cough a fair amount, due to bad sinuses and post-nasal drip (ooh, I'm so sexy), so the chances are that noise you hear when I cover my mouth? It's a cough. Especially since when I sneeze I tend to sneeze like a cat. A loud, not particularly feline cat.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

here's a conundrum...

...you love your friends. Because you love your friends you want them to be happy. It's only natural, right? But what if the something that makes your friends happy ends up being something that makes you, or other friends, unhappy?

How do you reconcile those conflicting emotions?

*************************

Sometimes you come across a piece of writing that stops you dead in your tracks. You read and you weep. Not just because the pain of a fellow human being is wrenching in its baldness and eloquence. But because much of what you read speaks to many of your deepest, darkest fears. Fears that you keep mostly at bay only through sheer force of will. And you don't know how much longer your will can stay strong enough to shore up the walls that serve to keep the fears from entering through anything larger than the cracks in the corners.

Fear not, all is not dark little pockets in the Day of Carol. Because that strange little influence which seems to have been presiding of my own little universe this last year and a half is taking my past and bringing into my present yet again.

If you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about (as well you should), well, today I heard a Voice from the Past. Actually, I read Words from a Voice from the Past - as it was via e-mail - but it amounts to the same thing.

It's someone I've mentioned before. He of the jealous girlfriend and Star Trek first date. He stumbled upon this humble blog (through Googling, admittedly, first BestFriend and then myself), skimmed through its pages, then sent me an e-mail saying hi.

Yesterday BestFriend had told me that he had contacted her - via someone and not Google results - which I told her was very cool, so when I found an e-mail in my inbox from him, I had to smile. It's the little things in life that make me happy, and his e-mail made me quite happy. Mainly because life seems to be working well for him, his wife (not she of the Eyes of Death) and their two children.

I've always remembered him fondly. He was a fun friend, a nice boy to crush on and a fine first date to have. And he introduced me to my prom date, one of his good friends in high school. Since I liked my prom date quite a bit, dating him off and on for a few months after we graduated, I'd say that knowing him was A Very Good Thing.

I don't know what'll happen. I hope we can keep in contact. I'm enjoying the fact that most of the people from my past that have started populating my present are people that I've always found to be immensely cool.

But if we do re-develop our friendship, I'm going to have to come up with nickname for him...

Approximate English TranslationYou ask me, what have I done?
I loved you totally
But I pushed you away
For fear of losing you
I have rejected you, so many times and so well
That my wish
Has arrived, finally
And you are far from me, so far.
When I look in your eyes
Formerly so trustful
There are no words which I do not have
You ask me, what do I want?
I want you completely
I want to live again in your eyes
To hold you in my arms, to feel your heat
You are in this room with me
But so far from me, so far
What have I done?
What have I done?

no surprise...

Kinda wish I hadn't opted out of the writing group tonight. Between being still sapped from yesterday's horrible headache and today's, uh, girlie visitor (I had no idea how on the nose I was on Sunday when I said Aunt Flo was visiting in a couple of days), I wasn't feeling entirely up to going to a hearing on the furture of the Ambassador Hotel. So I told Sarriah I would have to skip out. Now I'm feeling better - though still tired - and I don't want to be home tonight.

I had an odd dream last night too, in which I was together with the Ex again. As in, "together", if'n ya get my drift. And I was saying how much I missed him, how much I missed "this", meaning, of course, "being with him".

Now, even if I could have him back, I know I don't want him back. So I can only conclude that what I miss is the closeness we used to have - having that closeness with someone else. Because if I'm pining for him after all these years, I need some serious therapy.

Okay, I probably do need serious therapy. But it would be even worse than I thought if I'm still pining for the fjords.

*************************

BTW, y'all might have gathered this, but I thought I should tell you after all:

I'm not participating in the AIDS Half-Marathon this weekend. Between my ankles still giving me problems (finally getting in to see a podiatrist this Friday) and low on funds, there's no way I can run in San Francisco on Sunday. I think that may also have a hand in feeling a wee bit down tonight. Because missing CuteNerdBoy and hormones and not feeling 100% sure isn't enough to put me there.

Monday, October 11, 2004

to all the states i've touched before...

I'll be adding another state at the end of November, as I'll be traveling to Tennessee for business. I've only traveled for business once before, back in my Disney days. As it was to Tempe, AZ for one day, I was able to parlay it into a long weekend spent with BestFriend and family, which was very cool.

This time it'll be for a multiple day sales training session. And I'm kinda excited about it, actually. Though I've lived in and driven through several states, I've never before flown farther than Tucson. This will be a first for me. And as I'll be traveling with NewYorkWriter and ValleyGirlRep, I'll probably even have fun.

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BTW, if you're a bus rider and you want to take a cab home but can't afford it, I have just the thing:

You should feel very unwell during the monthly sales meeting, which forces you to spend a little time in the restroom because your head and neck hurt so bad that it brings tears to your eyes and makes you feel extraordinarily nauseous, which means that the little bit you did eat is quickly given up to the porcelain shrine. This catches the attention of one of the people in the neighboring showroom, who proceeds to tell the folks back in your showroom, which brings the SisterCompanyCounterpart and your regional VP into the restroom to see how you're doing. As you exit the restroom with them, still in a great deal of pain - despite the ibuprofen taken earlier, which probably exited with the tiny bit of food you had eaten - and very shaky, but feeling slightly less nauseous, your VP presses money into your hand and all but commands you to go home to rest via taxi. Since you're not stupid - and though you know you'll be okay eventually, death still feels very near and not all that unwelcome - you accept her money and proceed to take a cab home, whereupon you instantly lie down without changing out of your work clothes, writhe in pain for a little while, then sleep soundly for 3+ hours.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

cute button nose...

Last night was a BBQ at RockerChick's, but unfortunately there was no one there I could seriously flirt with, so I was a little bit bummed. I still had fun, but no flirting was kinda sad.

And today? Today I accomplished most of the cleaning that I should have done yesterday. Then again, I didn't have a choice in the matter. Because the place was a disaster and I was expecting a very special visitor in the afternoon.

No, it wasn't Aunt Flo. That's not for a couple of days. Today's visitor was far more special: the ever-so-dreamy Steve Amaya, author of Evaporation.

He's working on a photo project and asked me to participate. Being the photo whore that I am, I naturally agreed. So he stopped by, we chatted about various subjects, he took a bunch of pictures of me, we chatted some more, then ate some yummy food (I had a couple of martinis and my face is still slightly numb), accompanied by even more chatting. It was an evening of chatting. With even some serious talking. As one would expect from someone with as well-written a journal as Evaporation, the conversation was interesting and fun. And Steve is as charming in person as he is on the computer screen. I think I may have flirted just the tiniest bit. But only a tiny bit, what with him being married and all.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

musical note...

...is there any more perfect song than In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel? Oh, one or two may exist, but there is no doubt that this is one of the most perfect songs ever written.

As I clean I like to listen to music. I'm currently listening to a bunch of mix CDs on random, enjoying compilations from myself and CuteNerdBoy and GrüvLoungeGoth, a wonderful mix of styles and artists playing on what is essentially a 100 song mix CD. In Your Eyes has a home on Traversing in Colbalt which is the CD I put together this past summer.

There is a definite emotional thruline to the entire CD, with this song very appropriately the seventeenth of eighteen songs. And it sweeps me up each and every time I listen to it.

avoiding the cliche title of "weighty matters"...

Over the last two and a half years I've lost somewhere between thirty and thirty-five pounds. I've plateau'd a bit, but I am pretty close, weight-wise, to where I was before the Depression of Aught-2. And though I do fervently believe that as long as one eats well and exercises one's body will settle into what it's meant to be - and that it shouldn't be about the numbers on a scale or a clothing tag - I still feel pretty good about it all.

Especially when, at BFSis' wedding last week, several people were telling me how good I looked. Granted, while BFHubby sees me about twice a year when I visit them in Tucson, I don't think he's seen me all gussied up with make-up and (lowish) heels and and a skirt in a number of years. I tend to wear my jeans and tank tops and sneakers when I head out to Tucson.

Still, it is very nice to hear. Now, I could probably stand to lose another 30+ pounds, if I'm in the mood to get back to the size I was in my early twenties (I was trying to find a picture from that time to scan, but either all the photos are shoulders-up or my body is somehow twisted so that a true idea of my body size back then is all but impossible to find - yes, I've always had body image issues, even when I had a cute little body), and I do think about it, but I am going to try to follow my own advice and just try to eat well (and get back to exercising again) and let my body do what it will.

I will say that there is definitely a down side to losing this weight:

My crotch is lower.

See, for the first time in my life I have all these really cute jeans that I absolutely love. But with the lost weight they hang lower on my waist. Some I can even take off without undoing the buttons and zippers. Because the jeans hang lower, well, so do the crotches of the jeans. Which is not a good look.

Oh well. *shrug*

*************************

BTW, what I'm doing now? Totally a distraction tactic. I have a ton of cleaning to do today before I go to a BBQ tonight, but I am so doing so little of it. Gotta get my ample ass in gear.

*************************

Oh! I found a picture from my early twenties. I think I'm about 22 or 23:

Damn, I was hot!

But really folks, here's me as a young whippersnapper:

Smokin', baby!

Now, this time I mean it. This is really me, when I was about 22 - I'm at an office party:

I'm the one in the middle with the perm and the pin. Can't really see me that well, but yeah, I was a cutie. Still am, too.

*************************

I feel a little guilty about teasing y'all with the Zeta-Jones and Janssen cheesecake up there, so here's a little of my own honest to goodness homemade cheesecake, from '90 or '91:

Yeah, it's sorta one of those glamour shots, but BabySis took it for me after hours when she worked for Olan Mills, with a few others, and they're fun to look at. There are some that are richer in the cheesecake factor, but I'd rather not post them.

if you're curious...

...and are waiting for my incisive analysis of the VP debate:

I haven't watched it yet.

I know, I know. I got home much later than I anticipated last and was plum tuckered out. And not in the the proper frame of mind to evaluate whether I prefer crunchy or creamy, er I mean, Edwards or Cheney.

(Though the answers, of course, are crunchy and Edwards - I mean, what true peanut butter lover will pick creamy? *snort*)

All I wanted to do was surf and write.

With luck, perhaps tonight I'll set my eyes upon that scathing war of words.

Though I have to say, if you're waiting for my analysis, ya might want to find someone who actually knows anything about politics. Me, I'm just a tree-hugging pinko commie progressive dyed-in-the-wool liberal who likes to dabble a little bit. What do I know?

I mean, I think I know everything, but I've been known to be wrong. But don't tell anyone...

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

dribs and drabs...

Just a bunch of little bits on my mind tonight. I probably can't/won't expand on details, for various reasons, but I do feel the need to set the little bits down. Maybe I should just lie down until the need goes away.

*************************

More and more I'm discovering a petty side to myself.

This does not please me.

What displeases me even more is that I don't seem to have too much of a problem with the petty thoughts that run through my brain. Because I view the recipients of those very-rarely-acted-upon petty thoughts as wholly deserving of them, even when the rational side of my brain tells me I'm being unreasonable. Then the petty side tells the rational side to shut up because, well, it's petty.

Recently one of my friends asked me if she was being too petty about someone, a person that I don't particularly like, even though I don't really know this person. (Call it a gut instinct.) I looked at her with a level gaze, reminded her of all the petty thoughts I'd been having about various people, and finished with, "I don't think you have anything to worry about." She laughed and nodded.

I don't like that kind of negativity. I don't like posessing that kind of negativity. I have to find a way to release it, channel it into something healthier than the resentment that builds up.

Or maybe I just need a really good fuck.

*************************

Somewhat related to above: I get really annoyed at people on behalf of my friends.

Sarriah is often amused at how pissed off I get at idiot drivers when we're out and about. The one thing that will always set me off is a lack of courtesy and/or a sense of entitlement. Which is usually the case in those instances where our lives are being endangered by other drivers. It drives me nuts and I've been known to flip off those drivers when in the passenger seat. Probably not a good thing, but I feel unable to sit by idly.

I'm trying to teach myself that fantasizing about that rocket launcher which has the capability of scaring the driver shitless without harming him/her or innocent bystanders is enough to release my anger.

When I perceive that a friend has been wronged, I'll also get really pissy at the offending party. Well, maybe not in their presence, because I'm usually not in the presence of the offending party at the time. But I will plot revenge for my friend. I may not act upon it, but believe me, that revenge has been carefully plotted. I think I've done this for every single one of my friends at one time or another, even if I don't tell them about it. Got an ex who ripped out your heart and stomped on it with football cleats? A boss who takes the word "asshole" to an entirely new level? A roommate who just doesn't understand the concepts "clean" and "private property"? Give me a little while. I'll think of something.

*************************

Back in my twenties, while I definitely had my ticked-off moments, I was a much happier, more forgiving person. I was also much more naïve. These days I feel as if my naïveté is close to extinct and I don't know if I like that so much. The events that have whittled away that innocence have put in their place emotions I'm not all that fond of. Anger and pain and fear feel as if they bubble so close to the surface that it can sometimes take one stupid little incident - like getting to Amoeba Music after the buy counter closes - to bring me close to angry tears.

That truly sucks.

*************************

Though I sometimes feel as if I'm a much angrier person than I used to be, I also feel as if I'm a far more expansive person. A much funnier person. I've grown into a sense of humor that I adore, that actually makes me feel as if I'm flying when I make others laugh. And so many people seem to laugh at my attempts at humor that I often feel as if I'm flying.

There's a reason why I've never gotten addicted to drugs, despite the genetic tendencies in my family and my own somewhat obsessive nature. Who needs drugs when making people smile and laugh provides the ultimate high?

*************************

I love feeling silly. Today was kind of a silly day for me. Don't know why, it just was. There was a moment when I discovered some information that I was a bit miffed about, but for the most part I felt really silly and fun and goofy. And when I feel like that I'm astounded at how so deeply in love with life I am. How very much I want to woo life and have it with me for as long as it'll have me.

I need more days like that.

*************************

I'm currently reading Alive - about the Uruguayan rugby team that crashed in the Andes in 1972 and had to eat the bodies of the dead to survive.

It's a fascinating and sobering book and, as I read it, two things pop into my mind:

1) I don't know if I could do something like that - I don't know if I have that sort of strength of will.

2) It's a good thing I'm already a vegetarian - else I definitely would become one by the end of the book

*************************

I am now officially very special. Why? Because GrüvLoungeGoth has invited me to join a club that he is part of. Apparently there was an opening. And the club founder said, "Sure, why not?"

So I now belong to the Kenny Club.

What is that, pray tell? Allow me to elucidate.

The Kenny Club is a smallish group of people that gathers once a month to introduce unfamiliar music to one another. They discuss, distribute, encourage and possibly even cajole (though gently, of course). They post songlists of the albums they intend to introduce, alongside descriptions and reviews. They discuss music in a forum. As GrüvLoungeGoth initially described it to me, I all but drooled at the concept. I said, "Sure, sounds like fun!"

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

200 things...

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone08. Said "I love you" and meant it09. Hugged a tree10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars21. Changed a baby's diaper22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower24. Gotten drunk on champagne25. Given more than you can afford to charity26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill31. Asked out a stranger32. Had a snowball fight33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse41. Rode on a roller coaster42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment48. Had two hard drives for your computer49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke72. Lounged around in bed all day73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain79. Gone to a drive-in theater80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie92. Crashed a party93. Loved someone you shouldn't have94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch99. Won first prize in a costume contest100. Rode a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason106. Masturbated in a public place107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage110. Been to Las Vegas111. Recorded music112. Eaten shark113. Had a one-night stand114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did132. Called or written your Congress person133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart146. Helped an animal give birth147. Been fired or laid off from a job148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Rode on a motorcycle153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Rode a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi171. Had your picture in the newspaper172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

candidate astrology...

I'm into astrology. Brand me a flake, a fruit loop, a nut if you must (certainly wouldn't be the first time) but I admit I believe in it to a certain extent. Nothing is set in stone and one should never use traits found in their astrological signs as excuses for bad behavior, but one's sun sign can suggest certain tendencies.

So, as November 2nd draws near and I become more and more excited about the debates and election (this year marks the first time I've ever really paid attention to debates), it's understandable that an astrological e-mail about the candidates - resting in one of my multiple inboxes - would catch my attention. I read it and indeed, it was most interesting. From Astrology.com:

Our current president was born on July 6, 1946, under the Sun sign of Cancer -- a friendly sign, but one that tends to be more of a homebody than a social butterfly. Much of Bush's birth chart also reflects a strong focus on the self -- so he doesn't really differentiate between himself and his country. He likely has a deep love for the United States, wants the best for it and will do whatever he feels is necessary to make the country as strong and successful as possible. The downside is that he can develop a very narrow focus, and disregard other opinions and points of views. His tight focus can help when one specific idea or event requires his complete attention, but it can also prevent him from being able to see the big picture. On the whole, Bush is a very open-hearted and optimistic man who looks toward the future. He has a stubborn streak, however, and he needs to beware his pride -- it could be his undoing.

John Kerry was born on December 11, 1943, which makes him a Sagittarius -- a much more social, yet thoughtful sign. His chart also implies a larger focus on others rather than himself, and he feels a strong connection with the people around him. He won't commit to an action until he's considered all possible outcomes -- he can easily see both the forest and the trees. Kerry can appear to be indecisive, so the accusations about him 'flip-flopping' are not surprising. However, this actually reflects one of his greatest strengths -- he forms decisions based on the information presented to him, but he is always open-minded about new data -- he won't stick to an idea simply because it was his first. Most importantly, Kerry's chart shows a man with strong leadership skills. Kerry's greatest weakness, though, is his outward persona. He appears indecisive, and though he loves people, he tends to have a frosty attitude around them -- if he's going to succeed, he needs to avoid getting in his own way.

dang girl!

Feeling a little imperious yesterday, wasn't I? Sometimes that's what happens when a girl breaks past the pain into health - she wants everything denied to her earlier and grows impatient when there is non-compliance.

Or she's just feeling goofy and posts silly little things. Either could apply in this case.

Anywho, tonight is the Edwards/Cheney debate. I will not be home, but this time I double-checked the time and my VCR and have everything set accordingly.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

i'm home...

...and tired and happy.

It was a lovely wedding and reception, BFSis was beautiful and radiant, BFSisHubby was quite handsome, there was much weeping for joy to be had (including your humble narrator). Seeing BestFriend and family was as great as always, as was seeing her parents again. I met a few new people, hung out with those I already knew, laughed and drank and ate and danced. There were a couple of people I recognized as working actors (not surprising considering both the bride and groom are in entertainment and met while working at Disney and the father of the bride had Paul Winchell as his mentor), but I have to say it was kinda cool at one point where the single girls were dancing together and another guest, Gedde Watanabe, sort of joined us with his significant other. Later we laughed briefly together in a group. It's funny how after all this time I still get slightly giddy over actors I think are pretty cool.

And the only bit of wistfulness to descend upon me was when BFSis danced the father/daughter dance with her dad. I think that will always choke me up.

here i am again...

...in the mood to write, with ideas about which to write, but unable to seize an idea, wrestle it to the ground and pin it down until it cries "Uncle!" and brings to fore a witty discourse upon the merits of marscapone over cream cheese in the Stuffing of French Toast.

(Please excuse any misspellings - the spell check on my blog editor is a little wonky when combined with my home computer.)

I could wax rapsodic about some link found in my travels about the internet, this great, big, beautiful World Wide Web upon which I spend far too much time. I've done that so often in the last few months, less inclined to reveal my thoughts and feelings since the events that unfurled the last two weeks of July. After so much spilling of my emotional guts and separating myself - albeit temporarily - from the source of such tumultuous emotions, I needed to step away from my feelings in this humble record as well. But I'm tired of old school blogging. It bores me tonight.

So let's see what been going on in my weekend thus far, shall we?

After a Friday evening of hanging out with Sarriah - in which we spent yet another block of hours trying to Figure Out People We Know of the Testosterone Persuasion (quite the past-time, truth to tell) - I dozed upon her sofa. My previous Saturday plans were canceled due to illness (over which I experienced bummage), so instead the day was spent with Sarriah and I spending yet more hours together, having breakfast and moving my old sofa from the garage to the curb and rearranging a few things to make room for boxes of hers I'll be storing, with a few more hours spent looking for a particular coffee shop in Altadena and drinking coffee and and sharing apple pie a la mode and writing and playing I Don't Get It, Do You? By 9pm she was on her way back home and I leapt online to futz and read journals and blogs and give into my newly acquired MSN Games addiction, with the thought of, "I should really write something," lurking in the back of my mind.

But the ideas which parade through my head are ones that don't want to be expanded upon. Instead I find myself entertaining memories of being the subject of bullies and youthful derision in my chilldhood, never knowing why I was targeted but mostly ignoring the perpetrators. Except for the one time in San Diego, at the end of ninth grade, when the bully d'année pushed and kicked at my back whilst walking down to the football field until finally--

An entire school year of being picked upon and denigrated in front of the entire P.E. class boiled over and I snapped, spinning around and swinging blindly. No technique, no finesse, barely any hits landed from my quarter, though my opponent - outweighing me by thirty pounds or more - had none of my fighting inexperience. Remarkably, when the teacher pulled us apart a five minute eternity later, I had few bruises, except the massive purple and black and blue bruise decorating my ego as I struggled to keep from sobbing, my closest friend of the time with her arm around my shoulder and leading me down to the field.

By any objective judging I was the loser in that fight, the only real fight I had ever gotten into. The next year my bully ended up in my English class, which caused me to inwardly cringe on the first day. She sat nearby and, at one point, turned to me. I mentally braced myself against her oncoming verbal assault. She opened her hated mouth and uttered words I will never forget:

"Do you have a pencil I can borrow?"

Stunned, I nodded and lent her my extra pencil, for which she thanked me. And which she returned at the end of the class. She was smiling and pleasant to me the remanider of my time at that school.

Stranger still, her friends - the same cruel-faced girls that cheered on their leader as she taunted and jeered and hit the previous year - made overtures of friendship to me. Though it puzzled me, I realized that by standing up for myself at last - by swinging fists with all the grace and experience of a six foot four fourteen year old white boy at a school dance - I had gained their respect.

Somewhat bemused, I allowed them to make their overtures. I was pleasantly civil, but I never accepted their friendship. And just before the holidays my father retired from the Navy and got one of those aerospace jobs so prevalent in the very early 80s (this one in Santa Monica), we packed up the scads of stuff that only a family of seven can accumulate and moved north to the environs of the western San Fernando Valley, whereupon I would attend a nearby high school in which I was rarely picked on and where I acquired the best friend I have ever had, who continues to be an incredible best friend. Also on my high school dance card of cool people are three gentle souls whom I lost track of and reconnected over varying years later to achieve stronger friendships. Okay, so one of these gentle souls has been driving me crazy for over a year now and was the catalyst for the shards of emotions that exploded in July, some twenty-one years or so after our initial meeting, but hey, he's still okay in my book. Deserving of the occasional bop upside the head when I really start thinking about everything again, perhaps, but still okay.

So, as I sit here and type up my days as bully-bait, I wonder how such experiences have imprinted themselves on my psyche. I did learn the value of standing up for one's self, but it still took far too many years before I employed that lesson in everyday life. And there still are times when I don't employ it, but that's often in the realm of family, wherein I'm sometimes no longer a vibrant 38 year old woman but a little seven year old girl with thick glasses still sucking my middle two fingers whilst holding onto my Krissy doll.

I also learned to beware of fickle, inconsistent people who try to force their ways into my heart. On the surface I appear to be a completely trusting sort (or I think I do), but the truth is I don't trust very easily. Childhood betrayals of a significant nature and an innate introversion cured me of such a thing early on in life. As a consequence I view people who try to instantly insinuate themselves into my life with internal suspicion. My thinking is, what is this person lacking and what does he/she want of me that I am, after only a few days, considered in her/his mind to be a really good friend? I don't deal well with people who latch. Life has proven my initial instincts to be correct - such people have, for the most part, turned out to be clingy or needy or frankly crazy (the college girl who honestly believed that she was part elvan princess and that someday she would meet Sting, they'd fall madly in love and end up dying in one anothers' arms leaps to mind). Only those who have allowed acquaintenceship to develop into a rich full friendship are the ones that have stayed close to me.

This isn't to say that I've never experienced that immediate clicking that sometimes happens between two souls that have never met but still recognize each other. Of course I have and those friends are also very dear to me. But those are the exceptions that prove the rule.

And--

And this is where I run out of steam. Where I think I should have some sort of grand finishing observation that ties together all the threads and participles dangled in the preceeding paragraphs. Instead I realize that I am suddenly very tired and my thoughts have clouded and oh geez I have a wedding to go to in the early Sunday evening hours, so sleep must be had.

Well, maybe I didn't wrestle that idea until it cried, "Uncle!", but I think I at least annoyed it long enough to sit still as it gave me an exasperated glance.

Friday, October 01, 2004

go kerry!

Okay, last night both CNN and Fox News rebroadcast the debate. Yea! Of course, CNN's rebroadcast was concurrent with The Daily Show analysis and if you've been reading this humble blog recently, you'll know that there was no way I was going to miss my secret boyfriend Jon Stewart.

(Ah, that was a truly satisfying cigarette afterwards. I've always been a non-smoker, but now I get it. Aaaahhhh...)

So I managed to catch a fair amount of the debate over on Fox News (and don't think the thought of watching that "news network" didn't give me the hives), though I did start dozing off around midnight. I promptly hit "Record" on my VCR remote, though, so I could watch the rest of the debate at a later time (I still missed the first 30 minutes, I think).

Bush was unprepared and repetitive and more stubborn than a mule about his "core values", core values which have managed to get this country into a terrible mess on so many fronts. It was great watching Kerry take Bush's "points" and turn them back on him.

My biggest WTF moment was when Bush declared that Osama bin Laden was not going to dictate how the US defends itself. I jumped out of my seat with that one, because I think it's pretty evident that, with the terrorist actions of 9/11 - instigated by bin Laden - the administration began to change the way the US defends itself. Okay, right now it's done in a totally arbitrary and half-assed way, but it has been change. If that's not bin Laden dictating how the US defends itself, I don't know what is. And, by not actually going in and getting bin Laden when we had the chance, we run the risk of even more such attacks in the future, unless we do some serious - and effective - rehauling of national security, with as little infringing upon civil rights as possible. Which is another way in which bin Laden would be dictating how the US defends itself.

Newsflash, Bush: You do not know how the world works. You don't have the first idea. If you did you wouldn't have alienated so many countries, so many allies and potential allies. It's your impeccably stubborn "I am the only one who knows what's right for this country and nothing will ever change my mind on that" attitude that has gotten us where we are today. Wake up and smell the fucking quagmire, you arrogant asshole.

Oops, got off on a little rant there. Sorry folks.

So, yeah. Kerry's looking more and more like someone I want to vote for, as opposed to someone that I was just using to get Bush out of office. This makes me very happy. I'm eager to see what the future debates hold.

BTW, here's a nice simplification of the debate last night. Right on the nose, Chuck.