KDs are designed/developed/inspired/mused/auto-suggested/indigested to make folks think; an especially uncommon experience among Democrats, Republicans, and jingoistic mainline denominationalists who continue to discourage dissent with their ever-threatening thought police.

Friday, December 15, 2017

If You Are/Know A Cigar Snob

It's a special edition for cigar snobs and people who know cigar snobs and don't mind connecting 'em to other cigar snobs.

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The following is a string of alerts to cigar snobs; beginning with the most recent.

Enjoy...or not...

Forward...or not...

Only time on this site; so if you or she/he want to...

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Sent: Friday, December 15, 2017 7:21 AM

Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (9)

First feedback edition.

Before I get to that, I was introduced to Cuban fumas back in the early 70s while studying in Heidelberg.

No embargo.

Well, I'd almost forgotten how much I liked 'em as I bought into the self-gratifying-market-deluding sentiment that transplanted seeds into foreign soils across the water from the island have resulted in fumas as good as and sometimes even better than Cuba's most renowned export apart from liberation theology.

It's kinda like saying, "I just bought a new artificial plastic evergreen with real Christmas spirit because I'm tired of taking Lassie out to look for a tree."

O.K., maybe, occasionally, rarely close...but no, uh, cigar.

Sorry.

It's kinda like saying, 'Yeah, those New Jersey Vidalia onions are just as good as the ones from Georgia."

Not!

Anyway, my favorite-mayor-of-all-time gave a Cohiba Behike 56 to me for Christmas and I had an OBE with it on the way back from UW Hospital Madison on Tuesday night.

Burned my fingers to the nails!

The word awesome just doesn't quite capture the transcendence.

Don Norek - go to the archives of www.koppdisclosure.com to read up on one of my continuing heroes - would treat me to a Cuban Cuban every once in a while; so I wasn't completely out of the loop pero that was infrequent because he'd also pawn off clones to moi with a wink. Sooooooo if you can get your hands and spirit on one of those pre-et-post Castro babies, indulge!

O.K., some feedback.

Pennsylvania: On dealing with aftertaste if you're fortunate enough to have someone who wants to stick her/his tongue down your throat: "Bourbon mouthwash - preferably 101 or higher." BC, Digger, and Judge have said the same thing to me.

Illinois: "You're killing me, man! And I can't believe you are giving these away!" Nice. Appreciate it. But have you seen my book sales? In one of the most humiliating experiences of my life, I'm running behind the toothy guy from Texas in sales by about ten trillion to one. Wouldn't mind a nod from Thompson but not holding my breath except for a Cohiba Behike 56.

Pennsylvania: "Why don't you start a website like your other one?" Because webmaster Kathie is kind enough with www.koppdisclosure.com and I don't know if this string is too, uh, masculine for, uh, broader appeal. I mean, really, I think some of the things that you like about CSAFTBP would get you into trouble if you ever uttered 'em in front of what, I guess, according to professors and papers and journalists and sissy clerics and other politicians marching to the beat of Gloria's tambourine, is the much more fragile of the genders. Notice I said genders. From what I hear from mainline ecclesiastical franchises and the ACLU, God remains wrong. There are a lot more than two.

Missouri: "I've been forwarding these to friends. Is that O.K.?" Sure. With my fan base, beggars can't be choosers; but if you have 'em, send their e-mail addresses to me and I'll put 'em on the first edition mailing list and they won't have to trust your discretion. Uh, wait a second. I'll probably be accused of some kinda harassment if I send them unsolicited. It's happened with www.koppdisclosure.com as cupcakes and snowflakes can't handle Jessup's assumption. So have them send their addresses to me and I'll hook 'em up. But, again, forward away! Hey, send some to Thompson and CA but not Megyn Kelly or doe-eyed Rachel Maddog.

South Dakota: "How often are you going to send these out? I really like them. They're better than the serious things that you write." Great. Just great. Maybe that's why my denomination won't let me speak at their self-gratifying biennials. Not surprised. Peterson, Bright, Ogilvie, Evans, Larson, Lovelace, Gagnon, Legvold, and...weren't 'good' enough for 'em. I wonder if Calvin or Farel or Luther or Bullinger or Barth or Bonhoeffer or even Paul or John or even... Per your interrogative, when I feel like it; which usually happens when I'm tired of babysitting, refereeing, officiating, pontificating, deliberating, consoling, consulting, defecating, inspecting, injecting, detecting, or cleaning the restrooms and collecting the trash while we wait for our new custodian to start.

Alabama: "I was offended by your insinuations about Alabama in the last edition." Join the club. I live for that. Salt. Light. Leaven. Get it? You need to talk to my dad to figure out what I'm trying to say. After I voted for McGovern, he said, "Son, now I know I don't have to worry about you. You don't need drugs!" Speaking of Ps, my favorites are 1, 16, 35, and 40 with JFK being the best because he had much better taste in, uh, uh, uh, fumas than even, uh, uh, uh, Bubba who can be excused because of being married to you know who and, most important, 35 had the common sense to stock up on authentic Upmanns when he had the chance which, of course, he did because he knew when he was going to make sure that proletarians like moi had to study in Germany to get 'em. BTW, will someone puhhhlease teach Maxine how to pronounce 45? She reminds me of the chick who kept talking about "Eric Clapner. I like Eric Clapner."

O.K., that's it for the first feedback edition.

If Santa is kinder to me than he's been to Alabama, you should get the next edition before the 1st.

Merry Christmas!

It is about Jesus, uh, you used to know, uh, no matter what your local school board or Rahm says.

BTW, Rahm?

Does that guy have no shame or what?

Him criticizing anyone anywhere about anything related to leadership is like me telling my favorite/personal mechanic Jason how to fix the truck that I don't have.

I would have thought you'd learned something from the last candidates for POTUS.

The guy who won can't keep his hands off, uh, uh, uh, Twitter and the, uh, whazzzzzzztheword, uh, uh, oh, yeah, gal who lost is the antidote for sexual harassment.

Alabama was worse - sissy or Allen/Brooks phallic symbol.

I guess we'll see.

Too bad.

Anyway, if you're not going to come through with a Ford 150 or big plastic card to Woodstock Harley-Davidson or Marengo Guns or box of favorite fumas, please hold off on anything related to Crimson Ridge, A&F, Ulta, Bath and Body Works, Megyn Kelly, or any of those restaurants hawking rabbit food for anorexics.

No books about either Obama; though any book by Chernow, Metaxas, or Vonnegut that I haven't read is cool.

I don't want any more evolved gravy rags aka ties. Medieval. Really, think about it. They look stupid. Yeah, I know some women like 'em because they're so tight around our necks and encourage that Janis Joplin song about balls and chains and soccer moms like gayish guys more than manish ones with closely/neatly cropped facial hair; but I don't wear 'em that much anymore and may have even forgotten how to get that bourgeoisified dimple in there to satisfy the fashion police.

No subscriptions, please, to news magazines or papers. I'm so tired of the man-hater columnists who flatter themselves into thinking anyone would want to harass 'em and, while I'm no Trumper because the Christian in me ain't into idolatries unless it's a real Partagas or Punch or Cohiba from Cuba , the Freudian in me suspects guys like Robinson, Anderson, Joe, John, anyone at the NYTs and WP and Time and Newsweek and MSNBC and most local rags, et.al. have insatiable man-crushes on him.

Really, isn't that what's fashionable in America these days?

It slays me to admit this; but maybe that's among the myriad of maddening reasons why Muslims like America about as much as bacon-topped pork tenderloins.

I can buy my own underwear and socks.

I eat too much as it is.

Gas?

I've got enough of that.

If You're not coming up with one of those Animal House "Thank You, God!" serendipities, how about a Mary moment in the true spirit of the season: "And Mary kept all these things; pondering them in her heart"?

Yeah, I'd like that.

I'd just like time to sit on the back porch and think about Jesus and who He is and what He has done for us and our salvation by grace through faith.

That's really enough for me.

Time off and alone with Jesus.

Of course, if you've got an extra Partagas Lusitania and bottle of B&B in that sack while I'm sitting on the...

Pero, of course, that may be hard to explain to somebody who just stuck her...uh, whoa, geez, gulp, gasp, sigh, uh, uh, uh...or his tongue in your mouth.

Frankly, after too much marital and post-marital psychospiritualtherapy for too long, I've reached the conclusion that the challenge cited in the previous sentence-paragraph is about as common as veracity in government, media, education, entertainment, jurisprudence, and, alas, too many churches where it seems too many pulpiteers and pewsitters have forgotten Christianity is about, uh, Jesus.

Be that as it is, there are exceptions to the rule; and while exceptions to the rule are called exceptions to the rule because they occur so infrequently that they are called exceptions to the rule, I will assume there are some cigar snobs who know somebody who wants to stick her/his tongue in their mouths without dealing with an aftertaste that they not us find repugnant.

Parenthetically, one of the graces for cigar snobs like us of not having anyone interested in sticking her/his tongue in our mouths is savoring the aftertaste of a righteous fuma.

Pero, again, if you do have somebody who wants to stick her/his tongue in your mouth après a fuma but doesn't like the aftertaste and you want to do something about it so she/he will stick her/his tongue in your mouth, here are some suggestions.

Garlic works yet presents a whole set of new challenges.

Hydrogen peroxide kinda works; and it's cheap with the down side being bleaching tongue hairs.

Baking soda, in my opinion, is kinda the best; as long as you brush the roof of your mouth, gums, tongue, under the tongue, inside the cheeks, teeth, down your throat, tonsils if still hanging in, and everywhere else within reach. Then gargle!

Notice I qualified each suggestion with kinda.

The preceding hypothetical solutions only minimize aftertaste.

The only way to eliminate aftertaste is to do lots of the above, shower, and sleep it off; knowing cigar snobs will start all over again in a few hours after the alarm sounds.

Truth is a righteous fuma leaves an aftertaste that cigar snobs savor while others abhor.

A: "Aside from the serene soul OBE via an oasis apart from life's meanness, madness, misery, and miscreance, your thumb, index, and middle fingers will start burning as you hold out for the last draw of the heavenly dispensation, baking soda will be put on hold, and you'll run to the can for a completely cleansing dump."

Or something like that.

It starts with lighting it.

First things first.

Dogs are bitten and cigars are clipped.

After clipping off the cap only and not slicing into the body with your favorite cutter - I like a double-bladed guillotine but carry a punch for box/square-pressed favs - there are several options for ignition.

When they're working, I prefer butane-filled lighters. They're odorless, colorless, quick, complete, and conclusive. Buuuuuuut notice I said I prefer them when they're working. Coupled with shopping for fuel and fueling up and carrying around more crap than convenient, they are fickle and tend not to work on cold days which is a challenge in areas like the northern stateline of Illinois during our 7-9 months of winter.

Zippo fluid-filled lighters are the coolest. How about that sound when you open and close 'em? Awesome! As long as they're filled and the flints are fresh, they're more reliable than their butane brothers. Buuuuuuut ya gotta buy fluid and ya gotta have extra flints and lighter fluid can, on occasion if you're not careful, taint the first puff or three with the same chemical taste that ruins burgers flavored with charcoal and, uh, lighter fluid.

Paper matches work; buuuuuuut, again, they have chemical additives that sometimes sneak into the first or third draw annnnnnnd they're short and tend to burn your fingers before they light your fuma.

Wooden matches, especially for snobs like us, are the best! Classic, consistent, not corrupted following the nano-second of combustion, cheap, and available at your nearest dollar store.

More tips.

Don't put the cigar into the flame!

With gentle puffs, draw the heat from the flame into the cigar!

It will take a few seconds longer but will result in an entire ring-size glow for a smooth and even smoke.

BTW, Thompson's December 2017 snail-mail-hard-copy-best-potty-reading-ever catalogue has one of the best deals ever for one of my standards and one about to crack the top five. Their "Double Down" offer, pairing two premiums at discounted prices, is featuring, among many other worthy selections, a Montecristo Reserva Negra and Macanudo Inspirado Black combo for under $40. O.K., that's $.05 under $40 yet it's a superb opportunity for cigar snobs like us.

Preferences for cigar snobs are as diverse as detailing iron ponies for road warriors.

One man's treasure is another man's turd.

For example, have you ever smoked a CA 90+ rated stick and thought it was a White Owl?

Point is palates are diverse.

Recently, I went through it again.

Twice.

I've never been a big RP guy; but his Sun Grown Maduro ain't bad.

Then there's Macanudo.

Never been a fan.

Ever since I smoked my first in 1969, I've thought they're as overrated as the Dallas Cowboys and Notre Dame.

But then Deadeye lit up a Macanudo Inspirado White pour moi. It's pretty mild but a quite pleasurable smoke for any time of the day.

Then, as part of my wife's anniversary gesture, Leslie talked to Thompson about my history and ordered 5 Macanudo Inspirado Blackies that leave one of the best aftertastes ever. While I'm still saving up for another box of Padron 7000s, I may get a box of MIBs if Santa is good to me.

Because I'm a cigar snob, I've never been into clones, seconds, or kindas.

When I think of that kinda stuff, I think of metrics and Beemers and Triumphs and Victories that will never be H-Ds; or I think of self-gratification which, uh, well, uh,...never mind.

Anyway, my wife is starting to catch on; and though she hasn't bought a truck for me or stopped joining my mom on the helmet thing which Digger says has the only benefit of casket appearance, she's ordering Cubans pour moi on important occasions.

She even gets a Thompson catalogue in her own name delivered to the house!

For our recent anniversary, she got some of those new R&Js noted below along with another 5-packer that's O.K. but wasn't listed by me annnnnnnnd, after consulting with Thompson's, she got a bundle of No. 99 Factory Throwouts.

After an early morning meeting with Adam and Brian that included my "any of 'em" favorite listed below, I headed to a meeting in Davenport, Iowa to hook up with Hans of www.churchandworld.com for fraternity and forecasting.

I took along a No 99 and was stunned by a very decent smoke highlighted by a subtle sweetness not nearly as overpowering as anything from Drew Estate, easy draw (lit once), and consistent pleasure until the last inch that reminded me of some overrated RPs.

So I investigated.

While I haven't been able to figure out who's throwin' 'em out, it's a premium producer who doesn't like the "uneven coloring" on the wrapper; ergo, it doesn't pass quality control and gets thrown out for us to pick up at unreally low prices from Thompson's.

BTW, it's a Churchill and lasted for two hours...before the last inch.

With no more golf with Billy until the thaw, no truck, and no pony, my relaxations/refuelings are limited to cellular prayer and Cubans.

Of course, I'm not into opium dens or thick-clouded-suffocating stick lounges with unavoidable alien fragrances; ergo, I've learned to bundle up and back porch it more than less though less than three seasons.

Having, uh, vented, here are a few suggestions for winter that, in our neck of the woods, should be over in less than seven months.

Unless you're cheating on your wife - "No, honey, I don't spend more than $10 a month on Cubans and you can't believe how much money I save when ordering from Tampa!" - or screwing the IRS - they deserve it - you need some inexpensive though surprisingly tasty smokes while cutting leaves and tuning up the snowblower.

Thompson is running a great deal on one of my favorite lawnboys: Quorum Double Gordo with an Ecuador-Sumatra wrapper. You can get a bundle of 20 for $55.80 with the added bonus of a Thompson Cigar 100th Anniversary Hat which is very cool. Got one! It really annoys the PC social engineering sissy leftists when you wear it at the mall and especially Barnes and Nobles or a clergy meeting. It's a good 90 minute oasis.

I'm not going to be distracted from my favorites (scroll down) while fulfilling honey-do stuff; but Quorum isn't bad during such times; and if your yard/driveway/whatever takes longer than 90 minutes, you can always tag on my favorite quick Cuban via Kentucky, Tennessee, and Scranton, Pennsylvania: Parodi! They're good for 30 minutes; and especially good if I've cooked some for you with my special B&B recipe.

Remember, time your Cubans by gauge and length and brand so you don't waste 'em.

Size does matter.

One more thing.

Unless you're a total geek, forget cyberspace and call Thompson at 800-237-2559 for the best potty-reading-break-the-10th-commandment cigar catalogue on the market.

The new R&J 1875 Anniversario Maduro, available in boxes and part of Thompson's 5-Pack Fever offerings, has moved into my top 5 along with any Padron, Montecristo Reserva Negra, Punch Gran Puro Natural, and Camacho Legendaria Bertha (can't understand why Thompson doesn't carry this one as it carries all of my other favorites at spectacular prices and special care in handling/mailing).

Really, while I imbibed my first just last night, it is really, really, really off the charts in subtle tastes, easy full draw, and lasting pleasure; except, my wife said she could smell it foruhever.

Treat yourself before the eschaton!

I expect it to be my next box purchase which should occur prior to the parousia.