Trailer Breakdown: Swamp Thing

Wow, a trailer for Swamp Thing! One of the most innovative comic books ever, is going to be a movie. Directed by Wes “Nightmare on Elm Street” Craven. The characters by Len Wein and Bernie Wrightson will come alive in live action! Apparently Adrienne Barbeau of The Fog and Escape from New York will appear as well as Louis Jordan from that one episode of Columbo. He’ll be playing Swamp Thing’s evil nemesis Dr. Anton Arcane. Vincent and I will break the trailer down for you!

Chris: The trailer kicks off with some punching sound effects and maybe some people moving in the dark. It’s so mysterious.

Vincent: I’m excited despite the ability to see anything in this image.

Vincent: I have no idea what is happening here. But you know what? Seeing is over rated in a visual medium any way. I liked movies before they showed you anything.

Chris: Possibly still people struggling with one another. The tension is building! What will be the first thing we see?!

Chris: We see some people of some sort at a lab, maybe. A voiceover begins! It mumbles something like: “A mmffmff of agents! Scientists! Sages!” At least I think it was sages. It might have been Sadists?

Vincent: I’m going to speculate that these are scientists. I know I might be rocking a few boats with such a bold theory, but I’m sticking with it.

Vincent: This guy isn’t having a good day. This is why I don’t trust any scientist.

Chris: I can tell a guy is struggling. Some men want to put a thing on him.

Chris: The voiceover continues: “Master criminals! Secret formulas!” And we see Louis Jordon rip off a fake mask. Anton Arcane certainly is a master criminal. He wants Swamp Thing’s formula so that he can be immortal, at least in the comics.

Vincent: Jeez. Spoiler much?! This is a pretty big reveal!

Chris: There’s no way to know yet, but I bet that glowing formula is Dr. Alec Holland’s serum to create a plant/animal hybrid. It could even be Dr. Holland himself grabbing it!

Chris: I can’t see any monsters or midgets in this scene but maybe in the movie theater it will be bright enough to see some monsters and/or midgets!

Vincent: I’m glad we don’t see anything here. Also that was redundant. Midgets are monsters. Just kidding, small people. I love you. I even watch midget porn on occasion, my love is so strong.

Chris: The narration goes: “None of them belong in this swamp! Only one thing does!” I would argue that sometimes scientists belong in swamps, but maybe in this movie they don’t. This is said over a shot of maybe Adrienne Barbeau running from a car. Or maybe some other lady. It’s a bit too dark to tell.

Chris: While I can’t tell for sure what stopped that car, I can intuit that only Swamp Thing would likely have that kind of strength.

Vincent: I don’t know much about Swamp thing, but if he has the power to stop a moving car we’re in for a real treat.

Chris: All $3 million of the budget is on the screen in this shot. Just look at Swamp Thing. he certainly looks like a muck monster to me. Very accurate to the comics. Maybe. It’s a little dark to be sure.

Vincent: I hear the actor got plastic surgery for this role. Dedication.

Chris: I’m positive this black nerd character will in no way be cliche or insulting. I bet he cracks some good jokes because we hear him say: “Uh huh. Here comes trouble,” when he sees Swamp Thing. The narrator again shouts “The Swamp Thing!” and another shot of the kid deadpans: “There goes the neighborhood.” Classic Swamp Thing humor.

Vincent: I hope someone says, “Feets don’t fail me now!”

Vincent: Stopping cars. Boats flying in the air. This movie is crazy.

Chris: The stunts in this movie are on fleek. That swamp boat is going flying, most likely courtesy of a none-too-pleased Swamp Thing. Hey humanity, leave nature alone!

Chris: Ah, I think that’s Swamp Thing near the top, carrying a lady through the swamp. There sure is a lot of fog.

Vincent: The narration closes out the trailer: “Adrienne Barbeau and the Swamp Thing. An outrageous pair that grows on you. Or grows all over you!” Are they talking about her tits? Because, that’s a strange metaphor then.