Okay, so you all know of my fondness for the ShamWOW! Guy, so I would consider this almost a personal insult. I would, if I didn’t know that ShamWOW! Guy would KICK ASS! I mean, what is Billy thinking?

Wouldn’t it be better for him to at least get warmed up by challenging someone else first? Maybe pick a fight with with Tony Little for no reason whatsoever? Or you know, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Chef Tony hawking a imitator Quick-chop or whatever the fuck its called when not trying to sell me a nice set of knives; maybe go after him? I mean, I know Billy’s a big dog, but he’s gonna go DOWN.

Let us look at this lovely ShamWOW! promotional image with bonus hilarious caption by somebody over at roflrazzi:

Do you want to eff with that guy? Do you? I know I sure as hell wouldn’t want to.

No body even remembers the Zorbee, Billy. ShamWOW! is where it’s at now, man. Go back to screaming at me about OxiClean and OrangeGlo and Mighty Putty and whatever other shit that doesn’t really work you’re still selling these days, old man. No one can touch the ShamWOW! Guy.

Yes, I’m back from my long mysterious absence. No, I won’t be talking about it. Yes, I will be posting more. I have a series of posts about my trash can lined up for just as soon as I can find my digital camera. Seriously. Oh, and I really have nothing against Billy Mays (other than first hand experience with the products he sells being made of LIES), Vince is just better.

Everyone and their mother has seen the commercial for ShamWOW! (and if you haven’t you are slow, and I take pitty on you. Watch it now! (vid will open in a new window)), which quite frankly sounds a bit more SHAM than WOW!, but I don’t own one, so what do I know?

Anyway, the commercial, although annoyingly long, is FUCKING AWESOME. No correction, the commercial is just annoyingly long and standard wonder-product fare; the GUY is FUCKING AWESOME!

The sheer enthusiasm exuded by ShamWOW! guy, well, it doesn’t quite make me want to buy as ShamWOW!, but I’m some sort of miserly freak that tends to round up and add one to a price, and has a spending limit of $20 for pretty much anything that one could ever expect to find for $20, and will have an internal debate for an hour to decide if what I want for over $20 is really worth having for anything that you couldn’t, but I’m sure it made normal people want to buy ShamWOW!s out the ass.

And the HEADSET. I love that headset. Whenever I see the ShamWOW! commercial, I’m all, “WTF? Why does he need a headset? WTF is up with that? I mean seriously?” and LOL heartily. I think I want to have that headset’s babies more than the guy’s.

That’s not all, folks! In addition to the fabulous ShamWOW! commercial, ShamWOW! Guy has done another wonder-product commercial for the SlapChop!

Go ahead, click that link and watch the awesome; I’ll wait. … Was that not kick ass?!? It was and you know it. Anyone who says otherwise is clearly a lying lier who lies a lot.

Much like the ShamWOW! commercial, it was annoyingly long and standard wonder-product fare, but ShamWOW! Guy and his enthusiasm are back with a vengeance. And some nice double entendres. And that headset. I really love that headset.

Also, that over the shoulder throw into the sink was BAD ASS.

ShamWOW! Guy needs to become the next Billy Mays. I want full half-hour infomercials that will be played at ungodly hours of the morning and whenever there’s nothing good to watch on sleepy Sunday afternoons for years to come starring this guy. I want him to invent some sort of gadget and pimp it out Ron-fucking-Popeil style. I want to bear him children (not like, raise them or anything, ’cause I hate kids; or screw him to get into the condition required to have his children ’cause he’s creepy looking; but definitely pop out a couple to ensure his genes are spread). ShamWOW! Guy is just fucking awesome.

I ❤ ShamWOW! Guy.

For anyone who cares, ShamWOW! Guy’s name is apparently Vince Offer, and after reading the wiki article, I’m thinking he’s more slightly batshit insane than he comes across (which is saying something).

Also, I feel I should probably link to the ShamWOW! and SlapChop sites after I have mentioned them so much (Well, I only mentioned SlapChop once, but “ShamWOW!” appears in the post 15 times and there’s only 510ish words in the whole thing) although I’m not affiliated with them in any way.

Dinos Sexing Chairs

This is the internet. It exists, whatever it is. All the good, right, wrong, horrible and wonderful; there is a place for it on the internet. Even my semi-coherent ramblings about random shit you don't really care about.