Scene 1: A Libertarian Journalist Rewarded

PUTIN: It is a pleasure to break bread with you in my dacha, Ilya Solongsky, on the occasion of the publication in Russia of your groundbreaking reports on what you call the immorality of the Russian military tactics in Chechnya. Potatoes?

SOLONGSKY: (Accepting a serving of potatoes.) Thank you, Mr. President. I had no idea I’d be singled out for such an honor, particularly when my writing does not show these tactics in such a favorable light, human-rights-wise. Isn’t it strange how, even in this strong light, the potatoes seem to glow?

PUTIN: Eat first, talk later.

SOLONGSKY: (After swallowing a bite of potatoes.) And I notice you are not having the potatoes, Mr. President.

PUTIN: Nyet. No carbs for this democratically elected leader.

SOLONGSKY: How strange. All my hair is falling out. And my chest feels weak. (Falls face first into the bowl of potatoes, dead.)

PUTIN: I’d ask you to pass the fish, but I see you are indisposed. (Chuckles as he puts on a lead-lined vest.)