A new year is almost upon us. Sometimes I wonder why we seem to place such signifigance in it. Really it is just another date on the calendar. OK, we take down the calendar for the past year and hang a new one for the upcoming year.

I think maybe it is that event that really gives it some signifigance. We throw away last years calendar, that year is done and gone, it is history. Maybe, it is the hanging of the new calendar that deep down within us stricks a chord. It symbolizes a new start. The old calendar goes to the garbage, it is now history. The new calendar is put in place all of it’s days blank. None of it’s days are yet filled up with the “crazies” of life but equally none of it’s days are marked with the joys and wonders of life that lie ahead in the new year.

If you think about it evey single day of our lives marks a new beginning not just the changing of a calendar makes it so. I hope everyone this year as they throw out last years calendar can with it throw out an negativity attached to the past year. The calendar is useless, it is history, throw it out. But any negativity for this past year hurts, ill will, sorrow, what ever is also history. Let it go with the old calendar. Carrying anything like that forward is just as useless as it would be to leave the old calendar hanging.

We have a brand new year laid out before us. It is a new beginning for all, may we all use it wisely. We all need to realize, time is so precious. Every minute we live is gone forever, we never get that minute back. We have an entire new year laid out before us. How we spend each and every precious minute contained with this year is up to each of us individually. For most this year will come and go. I ask this simple question of all. This time next year when it is again time to throw away the calendar, what memories do you want to have associated with this year?

Many of us make resolutions about what we are going to change or do differently in the new year. I think that is good in that at least we are thinking about and recognizing things we do want to change. I think it is even better when we have the resolve to carry them out.

I will share 3 of mine. The first is mine to do alone with our Heaven Father. The second 2 I ask all to join with me in doing.

1. Still be here to blog at the end of this year.

2. Not take one single moment or person in this year for granted. Both feel and EXPRESS gratitute to all and for all

3. I think it is fair to say we all would like to see the world change. Well nothing in our lives or in the world is going to change if we continue to do things in the same way. I hope all will join with me, individually saying to ourselves “let that change begin with me.” No matter how big or small an act of kindness may be, it does make the world a little bit better place. That is something in which I can do my part. I intend to really work at the “spirit within me”. Want to know what that is. Go to the top of this page click on the title “spirit within me”. Please join with me in my very non exclusive club. Think to yourself “let it begin with me”

Well, I am back up and at it. This last bout with a chest cold, breathing issues has been the worst I think I have had. It really took the wind out of my sails or more literally the air out of my lungs. It is nice to be able to breath again actually feeling like I am getting some air.

My last post was about a wonderfully couragous young lady simply known as Eu. I am happy to say I have indeed established email contact with her and I hope can add her to my list of internet friends.

We are rapidly approaching the end of another calendar year. As I always do I am spending some time reflecting back on the year. There have been many highs, a few lows but every moment of it has been time I have been so grateful for. As I reflect back I like to focus more on the people than events. How many times have I said it? People are wonderful. That fact is so obvious to me as I look back and remember all the wonderful people I have had the chance to interact with. I have come to believe everyone out there is an Earth Angel just awaiting their turn to shine. For me so many have shone so brightly that I do feel so grateful, so priviledged. I thank all.

Right here through the blog I have met so many wonderful people. I was over whelmed at the out pouring of kindness in response to my birthday request, Earth Angels are you all.

Every comment left for me here on the blog, I consider an act of kindness and each and everyone irregardless of content brightened my day. Earth Angels at work again spreading love and kindness.

I read something, can’t even remember what it was. One single line of it has stuck in my mind. “Sometimes when all the Heavenly Angels are busy, God uses regular people to do his work”. I know this to be a fact as I have been the grateful recipiant of some of His work, delivered to me through regular people. Everyone has many chances in life to shine as an Earth Angel, many I know take advantage of those chances and do shine brightly.

I started naming and thanking individuals here. I quickly realized that was an impossible task. If I were to really thank everyone that has had a positive imact on my life this past year, this post could easily grow to be a hundred pages long and even then, memory guy, would forget many. A huge thank you to you all.

As I reflect on the year, as individuals come to mind, I intend to send them a short email message thanking them for being a part of my life. I have to wonder if this is something many more people could do?

There is always the flip side to the coin. Now I hope I haven’t hurt, offended or slighted anyone. But as I reflect back if I come across any such memories, again an message will be going out to try and make ammends, I want to start the New Year with a clean slate so to speak.

Yikes, what a task I am setting myself up for, so many messages to send. This could take months, but if that is what it takes so be it.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas Day and will continue to enjoy the rest of this festive season. I hope for many it is a time filled with family and friends an occasion to celebrate and remember. I do hope everyone took time yesterday to reconize and appreciate the true meaning of Christmas. It is a time for a very special birthday to be celebrated.

It is a time of year that I hope all take a moment to celebrate all in life they have to be grateful for, to truly count and appreciate their blessings. We all take so very much for granted, not appreciating what we really do have to be grateful for.

I know here in Canada anyway, mother nature stepped in with some severe storms that has undoubtedly prevented many family gatherings and I feel bad you those individuals. I know others may be feeling just a twinge of disappointment over not having received the “right” gift. I want to share a story with you that I hope will make everyone suddenly appreciate what ever it is they have today.

A few days ago I received this comment, it was posted on my “about” page:

“Bill,

I find this inspirational! I came to the web looking for comfort, and your story has really made me understand so much. There were so many things that had me up every night. But your journal entries have really made me come to peace.

I am left with little time to live. A couple of months if I’m lucky. However, my fear is not dying. My fear is the process. Will it be painful? Will I be alone? It’s hard to think of this, considering I am 23 years old. My whole life I have planned for a future that no longer exists. I have done my best to be an excelent daughter, student, friend, and employee, and I believe I have been successful. Yet, I know I will never get married or have children or complete my degrees. That is what I am having difficulty dealing with. Trying to figure out what I have done for myself? Currently studying my master’s degree in Harvard while working at an excelent system’s company. But I wonder, I’ve worked so hard to achieve all this, with no reason. What was the point in missing so many important/fun/exciting things in my life, in order to dedicate time to my profession, my future? How many birthdays, gradutations, celebrations I have missed. How many difficult times of family have I not been available for support?

It is still a bit difficult to come at peace with the thought of never having a family, never giving birth and/or see my child say mama for the first time. Never being able to say ‘I do’ to the man of my dreams. But I do understand that God knows what he is doing. And if it is my time to join him, then I don’t need to understand anything, I just need to trust. We are put in this world for a purpose, and maybe, without knowing it, I have fulfilled my purpose.

Thank you Bill for this site. By the way…my birthday is December 13th as well..I will continue to be a fan of your entries!!”

I posted a response to that comment on the about page, you can read it if you choose.

This is the follow up response that I got.

“Hey Bill! Thank you for the reply! I know I seem curageous…but deep down inside…not that curageous at all…just living one day at a time…

Hope you have a wonderful Holiday season!!!

Looking forward to your email.

R”

I hope everyone will stop just for a moment. Think of the struggle this wonderfully courageous young woman is going through right now. Once you have done that, take a real look at your own situation. I imagine that this suddenly makes you situation look so much different. You see it in a different light and can see blessings every where around you. Appreciate them.

Now after I received the first comment from this young lady, I only know as Eu. I did in fact send her an email. Based on the second comment it would appear that email may not have gotten through. I have today again sent an email to Eu, as it was sent to the same email address as was the first, I am not sure if it will get through.

I am happy to see Eu has returned to the blog several times. Eu, I want to make sure you get my message so I am posting a copy of my email here. I do hope to hear back from you.

Hello Eu
I just read your new comment on the blog. It sounds like possibly you didn’t get my first email so I am attaching a copy of it. I am very computer illiterate and quite likely I did something wrong in sending it the first time, sorry.

You say you are not brave instead taking it one day at a time. You say you are not brave, well I have to disagree with you on that one, my friend. When dealing with a situation such as yours it takes a great deal of courage. It takes courage to even get out of bed every morning to face your day. I am sure there are many days when the urge is to just stay in bed, curl up in a ball and wallow in self pity. I know because I have had those days.

Taking things one day at a time, is the best thing we can do and really all we can do. For me, it is all in what I do with those days and how I spend them. So often it seems it takes a situation like this before we really appreciate life and realize how precious is our time. Every single moment wasted is gone forever. No one can say with any certainty how many of those precious moments you do have left, that same thing applies to every one. I urge you to make the most of everyone of them. I know that all sounds good and is easy to say and much harder to put into practice in your life. It is so easy to fall into the: “how can I be happy when I know that……”?

Well my friend, I am not going to lie to you and tell you it is easy. But, I can speak to you from personal experience and tell you it can be done. Am I trying to imply you can become blissfully happy? No, what I am trying to say is you can get your mind set to a place where you can really enjoy the precious moments you have left. You can see the wonders in in every little things, come to appreciate, see beauty and enjoy it even more. Life is precious, life is beautiful, grab as much enjoyment, love and happiness as you can, while you can.

With all of this, it doesn’t take way the fact you are facing a very very difficult time. Please don’t try to face it alone. I know nothing of your circumstances beyond the 2 short messages you have left me.

Turn to your faith in God, there you can find tremendous love and support. But, let’s face it, we are physical beings with our physical limitations and understandings. While on this earth, we can pray for God’s will to be done in our lives. We want His will to be done. I know when His will seems to so directly contradict our own, it sucks, or can seem to while we are on the physical level of being. Much will only be understood once we have reached the Spiritual Level.

Turn to your loved ones family, friends or even me. Loving support is here for you. Don’t be afraid to lean on that support.

I would like to learn much more about you, maybe we can be internet friends and even help and support each other through what lies ahead. There is a saying “knowledge without experience is merely information”. We do have something in common, the knowledge and are sharing the experience.

I do hope to hear back from you. I would like to know more about you, your life and your medical situation.

EU, it sounds like my first email didn’t get through to you. Now as I am sending this message to the same address, I am concerned it may not get through. I would like to ensure you get my message. You have already returned to the blog for a second visit so I am taking the liberty of posting a copy of this message on the blog. I am hoping this way you will see it for sure. I feel this is some what of a unique situation and for that reason only, am sharing the contents of a private email. You can be assured going forward anything exchanged via email will be kept private.
I do hope to hear back from you
Know you are in my thoughts, heart and prayers.Bill

I feel like I am cheating again. Pulled this out of my drafts. It is all the way back from last year. But the meaning is still the same.

I believe in Santa Claus, read this posting I found on line and I am sure you will to.

Eight-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon wrote a letter to the editor of New York’s Sun, and the quick response was printed as an unsigned editorial Sept. 21, 1897. The work of veteran newsman Francis Pharcellus Church has since become history’s most reprinted newspaper editorial, appearing in part or whole in dozens of languages in books, movies, and other editorials, and on posters and stamps.

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
“Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
“Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

“VIRGINIA O’HANLON.
“115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.”

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

I am starting to feel a little better at least the breathing is getting easier. My breathing has been so raspy, I am told it can be hear from the next room, hmm. When you have congestive heart failure breathing is an issue to begin with. It is not like you have trouble breathing, it is just you are almost always short of breath. I am sure everyone can relate to one of those chest cold where you feel so congested it is like you just can’t quite get a deep breath. Well put the 2 of them together and you are constantly huffing and puffing. OK, enough whining for today, I have a chest cold, I know, “poor me”.

As I wrote that a thought just came to me. I am a lucky man. Here I am complaining about breathing issues. I think poor me, here I have been fighting this “chest cold” for over a year now. I realize I am letting it drag me down a little. I get feed up with the constant huffing, puffing and wheezing. It seems to almost clear up but then suddenly comes back with a vengance, each time seemingly worst than the last. OK, yes it is getting worse. But, I think in my own mind I am maybe letting it get to me a little more and through that feeling it even more.

I need to give my head a shake and really see things in proper prospective. I am a lucky man. There is no doubt about that. There are so many that have it so very much worse off than do I.

OK, talking to myself: “You are focusing on only one small part of the big picture of your life. Look at the big picture of your life as it is even just today. Yeah, this breathing is frustrating and annoying but really it is a pretty small part of the overall picture. You are still breathing be grateful for that. Fine you can’t walk up a flight of stairs or take a shower without huffing and puffing. Put a positive spin on it, that also means you can’t go out and shovel snow when it is -40, now you have to like that. You are lucky compared to so many, think of those that have been in pain, agony for the past year suffering so much. Here you are feeling sorry for yourself for a little shortness of breath. Shame on you.”

Well I have been sitting here thinking about things for the past 10 or 15 minutes. Actually, that talking to that I gave myself seems to have helped. I am a very blessed and a very lucky man.

I can breathe that in itself is a huge blessing. I have to wonder how many people have ever stopped to thing of that simple fact as being a blessing. How many things are there in our lives that we just automatically take for granted just because it is (or they) are there.

Why is it that perceived negativety can dominate our thoughts so easily? What do I mean by that? We can be traveling down the highway of life on a smooth section, life is good. At times like this do we really stop and think, realize at that time the blessings we have in our lives. The things the people we have in our lives that are making this stretch of the highway so smooth. Or, do we just sail along.

Now by contrast, if we hit a little pothole or bump on the highway of life, does that pothole, problem, issue, oportunity to grow, suddenly get our undivided attention. Suddenly forgotten are all the blessings that make our lives so content just yesterday. They are still there, but seem to be immediately forgotten with all of our attention instead going to the preceived issue we are facing. Suddenly our entire life can seem to be wrapped up in that one issue, the issue of the moment.

Almost always the issue of the moment proves to be just a small bump on the highway. But, when we hit it we allow it to take on monumental proportion in our minds. I ask you, why is it we seem to so easily let the smallest preceived negative issue to suddenly out weigh a world or positives and blessings.

Who am I?

I am a 61 year old male. At the age of 52 I was told by my doctor I am dying. For the past 4 years, I have done my best to deal with both congestive heart failure and a brain tumor, while knowing my days are indeed numbered. It is my hope that by sharing my experiences, I can encourage others faced with the same situation. I hope to also help the families of those individuals to have an understanding of the process and deal with the fear or dread of being around the dying.
I am not a doctor, not a man of the clergy, I am not a therapist. I am just me, Bill Howdle, I am merely sharing my thoughts and ideas. I write of death and dying, understand this is my personal prospective, based on what I am encountering.