~ The process of aligning the life I am living…with the life in me, that wants to live! ~

Cartagena!

I have arrive in Colombia! Finally. After one of hardest years of my life (probably the hardest) I am broken open like never before. I’ve landed in Cartagena, very raw. Everything is too much and nothing is quite enough. Thank god, I am feeling deep inspiration. What a joy that feeling is! I also am riding very close to the void. The void of depression and nothingness. That void scares the hell out of me, that void feels like death. It’s right next to me. Making me ever aware. I’m engaging my inner explorative tools constantly. I have to, I’m in survival mode.

The man whom I’ve committed to, in heart and spirit is a big ole question mark. He is currently happier than he has ever been… and that is without me. Perhaps with me there it is too much strife. It is hard for a person to be at peace when they are engaging in a relationship with me. What can I do? In this case…. I think I need to not do. I need to turn up the volume on my inner voices (not the critical voices!) and turn down his voice. His voice is woven with inauthenticity. Why? Why is it like that? Why can’t we just get down to the level of what is real? These things take time, yes I realize. But I also think it’s not a bad thing to try and minimize the pain. Too much time can equal too much pain. What do you do when you can hear levels of non interest, by the way your partner listens to you? Do you break up and run in a direction that feels better? Do you push through it and understand it deeper so you aren’t always “running”??

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