Greetings, fellow humans. My name’s Rebecca, and this is my first day writing for Pajiba. Here are some things you should know about me: I’m a Libra. I like Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, and I don’t care who knows it. And I’m a time traveller. This year’s Oscars are on March 2nd, but traveling back in time a month isn’t exactly impressive, so I’ve schlepped back from 2015 to let you know which of this year’s films are taking home the gold. All I ask is a small cut of your Oscar pool proceeds. Forty percent should do it.

Best Actress - After years of being snubbed by the Academy, Milla Jovovich pulls off an upset win over Meryl Streep. At the Vanity Fair post-Oscar party Streep was heard to opine to a nodding Kate Winslet that the award went to the right person, because “Resident Evil 6 was baller.”

Best Supporting Actor - Stanley Tucci takes every movie he’s in and makes it better, even in the case of the already stellar Transformers: Age of Extinction. Though one wonders if the win didn’t go to Tucci partially because of goodwill stemming from his un-nominated vocal work in Mr. Peabody & Sherman.

Best Supporting Actress - This one goes to Hercules’s Irina Shayk purely on the strength of her ability to act opposite The Rock without being visibly star-struck. “OMG,” the Academy was heard to say after the ceremony wrapped, “he seems like such a down-to-Earth guy. I couldn’t, if I had to act with him. I just couldn’t.”

Best Visual Effects - When the visual effects nominees are announced at the 2014 Oscars, Academy members will panic when they realize, shit, we forgot to nominate Pacific Rim. To make up for their egregious error, they give it the Oscar in 2015. It’s accepted by Idris Elba riding a giant robot.

Best Cinematography - In one of the most emotional moments of the telecast, Amir Mokri receives a posthumous award for his work on Transformers: Age of Extinction. Determined to get the best angle on an exploding fire hydrant, Mokri suffered fourth-degree burns over much of his body. His dedication to his craft will never be forgotten.

Best Costume Design - Following the controversial decision to replace everyone in AMPAS’ costume design branch with nine-year-old boys hopped up on sugar and video games, the 2015 Best Costume Design Oscar will go to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Best Documentary - What else could possibly win in this category than Retiring From Public Life, the riveting tale of Shia LaBeouf’s descent into madness—or, rather, “descent into madness,” as the actor’s much-publicized breakdowns, from his plagiarizing Daniel Clowes to that time he walked the Nymphomaniac: Volume I red carpet in a bear suit, was later revealed to be a metacritical piece of performance art geared toward examining our relationships to ourselves. Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck directed.

Best Original Screenplay - Endless Love will give the cinemagoers of 2015 something they’d never seen before: Two attractive white people struggling to make their star-crossed relationship work, only to discover in the final five minutes that they’re both Martian assassins sent to Earth to kill Robert Patrick’s character. It’s a bloodbath. Endless Love’s second win of the night is for Best Hair and Makeup.