Yeah, we had it all planned out, eh? We went camping last weekend right and thought it was gonna be really cold and snowing eh but it turned out to be really warm and we were able to go swimming and everything and we didn't even need to start a fire until it got dark, eh!

Bob

I guess we should change the topic. Uh, I guess we usually do at some point anyway.

Doug

No, we have to do this one, cause our publisher says so.

Bob

Our publisher?

Doug

Yeah!

Bob

We have a publisher?

Doug

Um. We could have. And if we did they wouldn't like it when we change topics, cause we have a deadline to meet, and in the Hoser writing business...

Bob

Hoser writing business? Is that what it's called when you write an issue of The Hoser, or is it what happens when a hoser writes something?

Why are we even doing this? Winter doesn't start for another two months! It hasn't even snowed in this part of the country.

Doug

Okay, do you want to go camping in December?

Bob

Um. Welcome to winter camping with Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Doug

I didn't think so.

Bob

Okay, so when you're camping in the winter, what do you do?

Doug

Um. Okay, it gets real cold so you want a good sleeping bag. Or get like two or three, and make sure at least one is one of those two-person sleeping bags, and put the others inside of it.

Bob

We do this in the summer to lose weight fast.

Doug

Yeah, sweat out the beer.

Bob

Sweatin' to the oldies.

Doug

Yeah, the ones that you couldn't drink otherwise.

Bob

Geez.

Doug

So we get a bunch of sleeping bags. These are easily acquired when you're camping earlier in the year. You just wait for people on neighbouring campsites to go canoeing or something and take theirs.

Bob

Yeah, no one in the wilderness locks their tents.

Doug

Tents have locks?

Bob

They could have locks.

Doug

Geez. Just get a knife and rip through the thing.

Bob

Good call, eh!

Doug

Oh yeah, before the other campers come back make sure you rip up some of their stuff and steal their food. Then when they ask what happened to their sleeping bags you tell them it was a bear or really big raccoon.

Bob

Beauty. And you know, firewood can be obtained in the same way.

Doug

Yeah. And gasoline, if they parked their SUV there.

Bob

Um. Okay, and the other thing you need when you're camping in the winter is long underwear.

Doug

Oh yeah. I'm real disappointed I didn't get to use mine this year when camping. I spent like thirty bucks on it, too.

Bob

Yeah, long underwear is something you really don't want to steal from the neighbouring site.

Doug

Or from anywhere.

Bob

No kidding. So what else keeps you warm in the winter?

Doug

Beer.

Bob

Naw, beer is cold! Don't you want a warm drink like hot chocolate or something?

Doug

Yeah, well from a scientific viewpoint, which I realize you wouldn't understand...

Bob

Hoser.

Doug

...is that the alcohol in beer dilates your blood vessels, making you feel warmer. Just make sure you get a high alcohol content, like malt liquor, eh? Avoid lite beer at all costs.

Bob

Where'd you hear that? Star Trek?

Doug

Yeah, It was Dr. McCoy. Or Dr. Spock.

Bob

Doctor Spock? He wasn't on Star Trek, he was a guy who wrote books on taking care of babies!

Doug

What were you doing in the medical section of the bookstore? In fact, what were you doing in a bookstore at all?!

Bob

There's a whole section on beer.

Doug

Oh, okay then. Um. Yeah, beer in the winter. Just be careful it doesn't freeze. Cause frozen beer explodes when you open it.

Bob

And don't get it too close to the fire, either. Cause boiling beer explodes too.

Doug

Wow. Beer is an explosive. Instead of TNT, it's BNB.

Bob

This awesome destructive power must never be allowed to fall into the wrong hands!

Good day, and welcome to the eight anniversary of The Hoser, eh! We've been working on this so long we're almost to our 100th issue! So good day, and drink at least eight beers in honour of this event. Or even better, 100 beers!

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! The first three volumes are out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! And the fourth volume is out now too, so even though we're not in it much, take back your empties so you can afford to buy all of them, eh!

CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATIONTHIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

The Hoser

My main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Contact Bob

Send me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about.