If you still can’t listen to that weird children’s Christmas song “I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas” without thinking of the desperate Falkor shaking her luck dragon tits like some kind of drunk, horny mom at her kid’s holiday pageant, then here’s an industrial-strength palate cleanser that will hopefully make that song safe again.

It’s Craig Ferguson’s final week as host of The Late Late Show and last night he had on one of his frequent guests, America’s sweetest sweetheart and universal treasure Betty White. Since it’s their last time being together on that show, Craig gave Betty a special gift. The red curtain opened to reveal a choir singing her favorite Christmas song, that hippo shit, and out came a dancing hippo. Betty White does everything better, but she really showed LeAnn Rimes that she does the chichis shimmy a million times better.

Why didn’t I have hallucinations like this when I did shrooms that one time? Why didn’t my brain produce the hallucination of Betty White shimmying next to a gay hippo while wearing sequins? Instead, I ended up with the fear of thinking that the trees were going to eat me and not in the sexy way.

This made my dead heart actually feel something, but I could’ve done without that cameo from Trace Cyrus at the very end. Why do the Cyruses have to ruin everything that’s happy?

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