A raw and brutally honest look at me - who I am, who I want to be, and how I am trying to get there. If you are easily offended, or have easily offended sensibilities, beware. This isn't the blog for you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand Exhale

And there you have it. Thanks in large part to a sleepless night, my last paper is done. Which means, of course, that I'm done. Semester over. Work complete until it all starts up again in 6 weeks.

Honestly, it feels really good. Obviously good to be done with another round of tests and papers. But something even better - the idea that each time I finish something like this, something regular, I'm one step closer to being "normal". To being part of society - no longer an outcast of it.

No, I'm not overselling that point. Because its a completely subjective feeling - something only I feel. Something I've worked hard for these last two years and something I can claim as my own doing.

Around two years ago (little more) a choice was given to me - turn your life around or be cut off from your family.

In a moment of relative lucidity, I decided I'd try. But I didn't really know what trying meant. It wasn't until a failed session with therapist number one led me to therapist number 2 - who in turn taught me what it mean to try. Trying isn't doing something half assed and then saying "Eh, I tried. What Do you want from me?". Trying is going "all in" - his words not mine. Trying is deciding that something is worth doing and then giving it your best efforts.

Going all in turned my life around. And it has become the principle by which I live my life. If I do something I do it all in. School. Work. My friends (which is why I have so few) and my social life.

All in. Not half assed. You save half assed for the things you don't really care about (like, for example, pretending to be sad for your boyfriend that the Jets lost on Sunday even though you were not-so-secretly pissed that he acted like a grump all evening and you made the trip to see him even though you had a final the next morning or telling your school friend her new hair color rocks when she changes it monthly and you lost interest in the process 8 months ago).

End Rant.

Now school is done and Break begins. The big question now is, what to do? After the exhale, of course. Then two days or so of doing absolutely nothing. Then what? Israel is out for various reasons I don't really want to discuss. I'm thinking Tova and I will take a trip down to Florida like we did all those months ago (assuming she's up for flying, I really do NOT want to have to make that drive). Other than that? Probably just relaxing and spending time with David.