About

It is flu season. Maybe you caught one during rush or maybe you’re having an allergic reaction to what's going on right now. Regardless, you need a cure. We present: UTB MD.

What is the flu?

Short for “Influenza,” the flu is a respiratory illness that can cause sniffling, wheezing and very awkward DFMOs. It is also how Donald Trump spells the past tense of “fly.”

Managing the flu

There is no need to visit a doctor unless your mucus is changing color to the beat of Kanye’s Stronger. If you find red spots in your tissues, remember that green and red are both primary colors that go well together.

Drink hot things. The steam will unblock all the mucus and set you free. It is pivotal that the drinks are hot; if your tongue isn’t permanently damaged, you’re not doing it right.

Rest. Listen to your body. Support your body. Sneak into your body’s room while she’s at class and decorate it with posters, fairy lights and baked goods. If your body doesn’t post a picture of that on Instagram, you just haven’t done enough.

Swish and spit. Take two tbsp of salt, add two drips of water and stuff it down your throat. Swallow.

Eject. Holding a piece of tissue paper, breathe out forcefully through your nose. Really try to contract your abdominal and quad muscles for this one. Clean your laptop with the tissue.

Murder. If none of the above work, cut off all food, water and air from your body. The bacteria should die before you do.