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April 13, 2012

Sex | No Rhythm Method In These Songs

I almost wet myself the other day on the way to catch the train. The jocks on the morning show I was listening to were talking about a recent list, published online, about the 50 worst songs to have sex to. Some of them were absolutely brilliant, while others just made sense because they were horrible at the best of times, never mind as background to a bunch of grunting, groaning and horizontal deity worshipping.

It got me thinking about my own list. Guys have asked me before what I like to listen to when I am having sex (I’ll save that for a later blog), but there are a few songs that make me laugh and would never make my playlist for playtime.

But before I get into the individual numbers, let’s clear the air on a few that just rank on here because of … well, because:

Anything by Celine Dion

Anything by Justin Bieber

Anything by Alanis Morrisette

Anything by Nickelback

Anything by Gino Vanelli and/or Corey Hart

Yeah, they may all be Canadian “musicians,” but there are a lot of us up here that would love to consider them the best gifts we ever regifted to the rest of the world … meaning, you can have them. Seriously, keep them. Please.

OK, what about those little ditties that come to mind when things are getting dirty …

Andee’s Seven Songs Not For Sex

Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer

Apart from the parachute pants and funky sideways shuffle … um … isn’t the whole idea of getting down and dirty to be able to touch a whole lot of it? It seems, in my experience, that the guys I have been with have the opposite complaint: they are always wanting me to touch it … with my hands, my tongue, the inside of my ….

Don’t Want No Short Dick Man by Salt N Peppa

OK, I have tried very hard to continually reinforce the premise that size does not matter. Seriously guys, I would rather you be average and have amazing talent than hung like a horse and have no clue. And at the risk of losing my union card, there really does need to be “some” size for my personal tastes and pleasure. But at the end of the day, I don’t think any guy needs to have two angry black female rappers questioning his manhood.

Dude Looks Like A Lady by Aerosmith

I have an open mind when it comes to a lot of things. But I have never been into the idea of a man who can share my make-up and wear my lingerie. Call me choosey, but I like my men to look like men.

That Smell by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Every now now and then, I enjoy a little southern rock groove ... except when the song distinctly asks aromatic questions. Seriously, not a good inquiry in the heat of the moment.

Material Girl by Madonna

Yes, for a role-play scenario, her “Like A Virgin” can be fun … and I am of that music generation. But I don’t want my guy to be getting into the hot and heavy with me as Madge sings about diamonds, pearls and expensive champagne. Seriously, the less expensive stuff feels just as good when you lick it off my body.

I Feel Like A Woman by Shania Twain

Um, you know I have bisexual interests. Shania’s video for the song sometimes leaves me drooling right along with my husband. And there are many, many times that I have openly thought “yeah, I feel like a woman” when it comes to some between the sheets strumming. But probably not the greatest song for the guy in that moment. Wait … I might have that wrong. There could be another side to this one.

That’s Not My Name by the Ting Tings

Apart from not even qualifying as a one-hit wonder from a few years back, the repetitive “That’s not my name” from the singer might leave that hook-up as a hang-up. If you’re banging me, you damn-well better at least know my first name. Oh, and if Salt N Peppa aren’t talking about you, I might even accept you calling me by my Internet name!

So, there you go; a few songs that won’t make it on my “Let’s Get Freaky Friday” playlist. I’m sure you have your own worst songs … anything really outrageous?

5 comments:

Your list is spot on. I don't like anything with lyrics during sex. Instrumental music allows rhythmic pacing and enjoyment without drawing you into following the overall meaning, a distraction to me. I will allow that "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry is an exception to that general rule, "Ray of Light" by Madonna would be another. I don't really have a list of songs that I don't like to shag to..I just have one on my IPod that is for just it. A lot of techno, the changing time measures and beats can make for some really great fucking. And other odds and ends. I am looking forward to your list of the good ones!Jessi

As an American I wish you guys hadn't been so "generous" with most of the people on your list. Though I do like Alanis sometimes. I also agree with the list of songs you shouldn't have sex too. I would also think anything with too fast of a rhythm can throw things off as you try and keep up with the music possibly!