look through my eyes... Postpartum Depression (update pg 2)

I literally bully MYSELF. I tear myself down, and I destroy my own self esteem. I battle my own judgement. I am my own WORST enemy. The harder I try to be happy, the more it hurts inside. Every passing day feels like I am a hostage to my own mind... Tortured and abused by these feelings that infect my whole thought process. Nothing makes sense anymore, and I can nolonger process normal logic... I love my children to death but I feel like I am empty...I cry from the agony but its misunderstood. Like the world is fading away and im just an echo in the wind, unheard by all of the busy people. My cries get louder, and the responses are fewer. Nobody knows how to talk me down, not even me. I am nolonger one person. When my emotions take control, I am a whole army of conflicting morals and opinions encapsulated all in one victim's body. I attack myself emotionally the moment I am caught alone, vulnerable and defenseless. The normal, logical, practical and happy me cowers in terror as this army of conflicting emotions fights to its temporary death within my body. There is no safe zone, for war has been declared. I feel dead inside. Where is that clarity and self love that I once posessed? Where did my smile go? Like a butterfly robbed of its beautiful wings, what once was loved, now is lost.... deep, deep within the confining shackles of my silent killer. I am a struggling (But fighting it like hell) Postpartum Depression victim.

(reminding myself that each passing day is a day closer to healed.... and reminding myself that there IS light at the end of this tunnel. Reminding myself that i AM STRONG, for this is my SECOND time battling PPD.) Thanks for listening guys, I just needed to put it in writing...

Comments (39)

I have far too many people in my life who just cant understand what I'm going through right now, and the only way I could really illustrate it for them was to paint a visual picture. I dont know that I will share this with them, but I know you guys are not nearly as judgemental as a 3rd party with no involved interest. Thanks guys, I just needed the release.

I remember feeling like I was never going to smile again. I don't think I actually developed full blown ppd but was on my way. Thank God for medication and a supporting family. I am not saying that you don't have that.... But I can relate to how alone you feel. :(

You are not alone especially with the women on here. I don't know names but I remember a thread that a member posted asking how people with ppd were doing. I am here if you would like to talk. Just pan me. Not sure if there is a group specifically for ppd .....

I think you should share what you wrote with your family. At least your SO or your mom if you are close to her.

I have PTSD and I completely understand what you speak of. I have come to accept that there is the ME I know and then there is my BRAIN. My brain doesn't listen to ME like it used to and it often forces me to think of things I don't really need or want to think about.

YOU are still in there hon. And one day soon you'll wake up and realize YOU are in control again. You've done it before. You will do it again. Please PAN me if I can help in any way...