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Thursday, September 16, 2010

July 21, 2010. In one of the most defining victories since a judge let that slut Roe get an #24 abortion, justice was finally served. July 21, 2010. A day where the courts decided to forget about bullshit cases for petty crimes like armed robbery or murder and finally devote some time to the most pressing issue facing not only this country, but the entire World. July 21, 2010. The day the judicial system finally opened their fucking eyes, saw the injustice plaguing bros, and in a monumental decision that was undoubtedly more important for society than Brown vs. Board of Education, they said those magic words: cheerleading is not a sport.

Upon hearing this, bros everywhere rejoiced as if they had just found out they're “not the father” on Maury. For years bros had been telling everyone and their fucking mother that yelling out “We’ve got spirit, yes we do!” does not constitute physical activity, but no one would listen. Well, thanks to a little thing called the US fucking Government, they now had to pay attention. From that day forward any girl claiming that cheerleading was a sport would not only be committing a malicious act of Brocism – she would also be shitting on the #63 US of A. These colors don’t run – and you better fucking believe they don’t hold up signs saying, “Go” or “Team.”
Cheerleaders always try to claim that they “compete in the most dangerous Sport,” but that’s all fucking bullshit. It’s only dangerous because they’re fucking stupid enough to throw bitches like 20 feet in the air and have them caught by four girls who can’t even bench the bar. Try getting fucking blindsided by a 300-pound lineman with 4.8 speed, then tell me if shaking pom-poms is on the same level.

While bros were fucking pumped as shit that the facts were finally straightened out, they were not in any way promoting a World without Cheerleaders. As a matter of fact, bros fucking love Cheerleaders. Banging a cheerleader is like an Indian killing a General – that shit’s worth two scalps. The point is we just want them to realize the reason behind cheerleading not to gain College scholarships, get exercise, or lead any of their God-awful cheers. It’s so we can make fun of them for being stupid, take a break from the action of the game to check them out, and most importantly – bang them. Here’s a look at Cheerleaders in three stages of their careers.

High School – Ah, the first time that girls are officially separated into their proper social classes: Hot and Ugly. It really doesn’t take much talent to make a #111 High School cheerleading squad other than having boobs by Freshman year. I mean honestly, have you ever seen High School cheerleaders in action? It seriously just sounds like you’re at the Parent’s Day performance at a summer camp for retards. And while the hot girls at a high school are always guaranteed spots on the team, there’s always that one spot reserved for the team member who always wins the award for “Most School Spirit.” That’s right – the fat girl. Unfortunately, the Spirit Award doesn’t also include a date to the Prom.

College – At this point, even though that token fat cheerleader tried out, there’s no chance in hell she making the team. The last thing the Athletic Director needs is the boosters seeing some fucking Orca Whale floundering around the football field, so College Cheerleaders are pretty much the cream of the crop. Along with every cheerleading team, each College usually has some sort of dance team. They always have some clever team name, but honestly, they should really just be called “The Sluts.” Since the cheerleading routines are not nearly advanced enough for their dancing background, they turn to something that will really get the bros to want to bang them: shaking their asses to some fucking Ne-Yo songs during timeouts.

Professional – The professional “cheerleader” may be the greatest invention (outside of bros) that God ever created. Halftime of football games used to be boring as shit, but thanks to recent developments in halftime pep rallys/softcore porn shows, it might be even better than the fucking game itself. I’ve been to a shitload of pro games and really can’t remember the last time I saw these “cheerleaders” lead a fucking cheer, but I couldn’t care less. I wonder what it’s like for these slam pieces seeing all the big old fat dudes in the crowd staring at them and knowing, “Yup, he’s gonna masturbate to me later.” Sitting close to the field or court is like being at the greatest fucking strip club in the world. You get a smoking hot slam piece dancing for you and she can’t even shake you down for money to pay for her kid’s day care.

Through the years, the courts and bros have traditionally mixed worse than Kim Kardashian and White guys. However thanks to its groundbreaking judgment this Summer, we have hope. The United States has declared victory for bros. They’ve recognized the fact that the purpose for cheerleading is not to give girls confidence or earn scholarships – it’s to weed out the ugly ones, shove the rest into tight outfits, and most importantly: give on looking bros half-chubs. Bros fucking love Cheerleaders.

36 comments:

The Kim Kardashian line was clutch. The classic Night Rider- she's gone from Reggie Bush to Miles Austin to the Real Heisman Winner Vince Young in the span of like 5 months. A proud father she must have.

The only thing worse than the token fat cheerleader is the token gay dude at those unfortunate schools that have co-ed cheerleading squads. Nothing ruins the halftime slut parade quicker than some limp-wrister yelling and jumping around in a cardigan. There should be a fucking constitutional amendment banning male cheerleaders.

NYB - your pro cheerleader section is spot on. However, you forgot to mention the greatest Bro-move of all. The elusive dream of all Bro's in the universe since we saw our first football game as baby Bros. An act that is the epitome of Bro-ness. Greater than winning a Super Bowl. Greater than benching 350. Greater than drunk driving a stolen cop car.

I'm talking of course about the pinnacle of Bro-ity: Banging an NFL cheerleader. Any Bro who slays one of these most ultimate of slampieces earns instant Bro-Emperor status and deserves a fucking trophy and a parade.

I disagree. All lady athletics are a huge joke, so why shouldn't cheerleading, the biggest joke of all be counted? This decision was a tremendous loss for bros everywhere because according to Title 9 colleges must have an equal number of bros and chick teams. With cheerleading no longer considered a sport, this requires many colleges to field some new dyke filled team like basketball or rugby to be in compliance with Title 9. That means less funding for real bro sports like lax and such. This decision must be overturned. As a college bro, I see too many muscly armed bitches as is. Shits on the mark with the pros and the token fatty though. Keep em comin.

That's exactly right about Title IX. In my humble bro opinion, that the courts would rule that colleges must have an equal amount of bro teams and slut teams mitigates any fucking good that they might have done by ruling that cheerleading is not a sport. College are forced by the long dick of the law to cut bro sports like lax and soccer because you can only keep pulling new bullshit slampiece sports out of your ass for so long.

I mean, who actually watches girls sports? the only reason you would go is to check out the slutty slampieces in their short volleyball shirts. the only reason chicks play sports is so that bros can come to their games and decide which ones they want to fuck. those volleyball shorts expose the fundamental truth of women's sports. they want to act like theyre trying to be active and play sports, but really all they want to do is bang bros.

so, since the supreme court things these fucking excuses for a sport are as important as bros competing at the highest level, we bros have to suffer. im not about to fucking give the supreme court any credit.

that part about the token fat cheerleader, though, that was fucking poetry. universal truth

While the recent court decision on cheerleading is a win for bros, there is another issue that the US court system needs to address: the discrimination against bros in the health care system. Between outrageous prices for STD tests, promoting condom use, and the denial of coverage for brolemia*, we bros are living in dark times. Don't let the brohaters (aka doctors/society) win.

*Brolemia- a common disorder among bros. Symptoms include puking & rallying, beer bonging, day drinking, and chanting. There is currently no cure for this disorder, but experimental treatments include weed and more beer.

Me and my bros every year have the Pom Pound Challenge. The winner is the bro who fucks the most cheerleaders before football season ends and he earns bro king status. Bro god status (going through the entire squad) has yet to be achieved.

Cheerleaders are fucking great. Recently i went to a party with my schools Dance team. they are all fucking hot. and when they arent putting effort into doing a routine and all they are doing is shaking their wonderful piece of ass all over your crotch, they are the best thing in the world.

Unfortunately i go to a "liberal" school which means dumb shit happens like girls can be on the drumline and the position once saved for the one cheerleader with talent -- the twirler -- can be taken by a GUY. thats right we have a fucking guy twirler. and ive never seen anything more gay then a male twirler in a fake-velvet onsey with a see through lightning bolt going all the way from his shoulder to his hip. It fucking ruins the entire pregame and half time shows when i should be able to whoop and hollar at hot bitches while they shake their ass in my face.

but amen. cheerleaders--now that they officially are not a sport--are sick.

this was one terrific ruling and granted when a slut argues that cheerleading is a sport we can easily shut her up by saying sorry slut the government says its not ur an idiot. But the problem is some bro high schools that passed cheerleading off as a sport so real mens "clubs" could become sports such as lacrosse now are in jeprody of losing there team status because of bullshit title IX that makes equal bitch and bro sports i pray to god this does not happen

in reference to the person who mentioned the bro sports, golf is as bro as it gets, allow me to explain, you can chill with your bros, buy beers, enjoy the weather, and hit on the cart girl, golf is bro as shit

The court ruling wasn't a 100% win. The college wanted cheerleading considered a sport so they could get rid of some pointless women's sports teams that were required thanks to fucking title IX. It's good that this can finally shut up the bitches who claim it is a sport, but at the same time it'd be nice to get rid of women's field hockey and shit like that. So the ruling is decidedly mixed.

while your analysis of the three stages of cheerleading was fairly accurate from a bro perspective, you missed one important point: lots of hot sluts who cheered in high school don't cheer in college because they pledge sororities instead, thus freeing them of the last real responsibility associated with being a slut and allowing them to focus on being hot and banging bros full time.