Tuesday, October 21, 2008

OK, so I know I promised you a dubious compliment at the tail end of the last post, and I was going to relate this whole, long story involving a restaurant host, lumpy Hollandaise sauce and public mocking (of me) by three other women, but I'll condense it into this little morsel of mental taffy for you to chew on:

Is it a compliment for a stranger to mistake you for a celebrity...who is 20 years older than you are?

P.S. It was not a movie or TV star, it was someone in the news media. And, NO, it wasn't Geraldo Rivera...but I see how you got there.Say It Like You Meme It

The whole meme thing intrigues me. (At first, I misread it as "mime," which is clown-adjacent, and I have some serious issues with those who practice the dark arts of the squirting lapel flower. I can't even look at those teeny little electric cars - you know, the reeeeeally small ones - because I just know that twenty clowns are going to spill out of them at any moment with their flappy shoes and pretend grins, like I don't get enough silly clothes and fake smiles already every morning at Peet's...)

Anyway...memes.

I just got nailed tagged with my first meme within the last week by the lovely Melodie over at Me & My Girls, and it looks like a cool one (thanks, Melodie!):

Hmmm...seven random or weird facts about myself. Here goes:

I played glockenspiel in our high school marching band. (Explains a lot, yes?)

My favorite part of fried chicken: the skin.

In 5th grade, I won a contest writing a song that used only the black piano keys. (Wait, is that racist?)

When I was around 10 years old, I used to eat a whole can of black olives, then pour the juice into a little glass and drink it while pretending to be James Bond. [Note to self: delete #4 before you publish this post, you big, big freak.]

I was born without wisdom teeth. (Some would say I could do without the "teeth" in that statement.)

I detest seafood to the point that I resent aquariums.

Secret career aspiration: long-haul trucker with a sleeper cab. (Mostly, I just want to have a sleeper cab; driving around with an air horn would be gravy.)

Whew! Well, that was bracing. I think we both learned a few things we'd like to expunge from the ol' hard drive as soon as possible, hmmm?

But wait - there's more...

I am honored to have received two variations on the "Kreativ Blogger" award from several new blog buds. This one...

So the deal here is that the recipient is supposed to list six things they love/value and six things they, well, don't. I'll skip the usual love list of kids and pets and husbands (Woops! That last one is supposed to be singular, isn't it?) and instead share a few more specific everyday dislikes and some offsetting activities to accompany them.

In the end, if I've done my math correctly, no one gets hurt.

Horrid woman drowning in any of the Liz Taylor "fragrances" who's barking into her cell phone and holding up the grocery checkout line can be cancelled out by the fact that she must endure the audible cheers of those in line behind her when smug, 20-year-old store manager refuses to honor her expired two-for-one coupon on Jimmy Dean sausage patties.

Buzzkills who, oblivious to all social cues, relentlessly harangue others with their political views can be cancelled out by making them listen in turn to your detailed description of the side-splitting opening scene of "Undercover Brother."

Parking ticket given by hateful, passive-aggressive meter maid with obvious John Wayne complex can be cancelled out with extended sofa snuggles with beagle puppy. (Awww...)

Snooty boutique salesgirls who act like you're invisible just because you're wearing cowboy boots and on old Oingo Boingo concert t-shirt can be cancelled out by storing the experience away to be used later when creating a character in a novel who, as it happens, contracts gonorrhea.

Being addressed by a strange man as "Honey" or "Sweetie" can be cancelled out by addressing him in return as "Shrinky" or "Maude."

Having to spend an evening in the company of someone who is so arrogant and self-absorbed that they never ask even once what you do can be cancelled out by calling them by the wrong name on the way out and wishing them luck on a fictional project that is not in their field.

Well, there it is. And I don't know about you, but I feel...refreshed...exhilarated...cleansed. Much like that first time I had Indian food.

I hope the Unknown Comic Pumpkin doesn't run into Gallagher. That would not be pretty. Please tell me you know who Gallagher is.

Oh, and let me guess on the celebrity you were mistaken for. Um, Catherine Deneuve or Luigi of Mario Brother's fame with a blond wig? Don't feel bad. People are forever telling me I look like Monica Lewinsky. I always try to take it as a compliment.

The glockenspiel!! That's almost as bad as the french horn... boy are there a bunch of rude comments that can be made about both of those. I love the cancellations part also, so be sure and let me know when you publish your next novel so I can look for the gonorrhea girl, and I like to drink the pickle juice from my Claussen (they're my favorites) dill pickles.

i am going to a pumpkin carving contest next week. i am TOTALLY doing that masked comic instead of being dragged kicking and screaming. i am not a big fan of the host...work stuff...not fun. this will make it much easier to get my butt in the car.

I'm Loving some of the things that cancel out your hates... I think I'll be calling a lot of men "Shrinky" and "Maude" from now on :)

I used to get called Sally Field a lot - and when I was thinking "Gidget" it was okay... I mean c'mon Moondoggie's a hottie right? But now... her recent acting credits are doing nothing for my image! (Note - I am also MUCH younger than she!!!)

YOU are certifiable!!! Probably the biggest LOON NUGGET on the planet...and absolutely the funniest person I know. You never fail to make me go "WHAT...ohhhhh...HAHAHAHA" (Although it sounds really feminine when I do it.) I gotta quit my job...this working thing is putting a crimp in my blog time...look how long it took me to realize I missed this post. I wonder if the government will just give me some bail-out money? Have a superior day!

Wow - you really are a freak! Olives at age 10. Wow.My dad used to drink cabbage water from boiled cabbage and I thought that was weird (not terribly fresh-air inducing either), but o l i v e s????Of course I was perfectly normal as a child. Perfectly. Until I hit. Oh, who am I kidding?

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Anna Lefler is an award-winning writer and humorist and the author of THE CHICKTIONARY: FROM A-LINE TO Z-SNAP, THE WORDS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW (Adams Media, November 2011). Her work has appeared online at Salon.com, McSweeney's, TheBigJewel, MyPheme, FunnyNotSlutty and HumorPress. Anna's essays on modern motherhood have been nationally syndicated and her fiction has been presented onstage by WordTheatre Los Angeles. She has performed standup comedy in Los Angeles clubs including the Hollywood Improv, the Comedy Store, Room 5 Lounge and M Bar. Anna can also be found at www.annalefler.com, where she is trying to stop referring to herself in third person.