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Didactic Principle

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We are Forerunners. Guardians of all that exists. The roots of the Galaxy have grown deep under our careful tending. Where there is life, the wisdom of our countless generations has saturated the soil. Our strength is a luminous sun, towards which all intelligence blossoms... And the impervious shelter beneath which it has prospered.

Captain Save-A-Ho to the rescue!!!

A man so young that he apparently still needs to be told not to stick it in crazy, is clearly attempting to show that he has more money than brains by turning a ho into a housewife:

Lindsay Lohan is to be engaged to be married.

The 29-year-old Mean Girls vet has accepted a proposal from 22-year-old Russian heir Egor Tarabasov, according to a Tuesday report from TMZ.

The stunner has been flashing an emerald ring on her wedding finger since the news broke and celebrated with family, including mother Dina Lohan and father Michael at a Duran Duran concert.

Entrepreneur Egor - whose father is a multi-millionaire businessman - asked for her hand in marriage 'over the weekend,' the site reported. [Question for the Philosoraptor: does it still count if you call yourself an entrepreneur when your dad is the one who did all the heavy lifting?]

While at the 2016 Asian Awards in London on Friday night, the Liz & Dick actress wore an engagement ring and diamond wedding band on her left wedding finger, before switching for a new design.

It is not often that I use three metaphors to insult someone in a single sentence, but in this case, it is warranted. This Tarabasov character is likely to find out, very much the hard way, that a fool and his money are easily parted.

Why do I make that claim? Well, there are a few things that come to mind when I hear Lindsay Lohan's name.

The first, of course, is the word "porcupine".

Note: Ms. Lohan is even LESS cute than this

The reason why should be obvious. As Urban Dictionary points out, a "porcupine girl" is a woman who, if she had as many pricks sticking out of her as she has had stuck in her, would look like said beastie. (Try thinking of that while going to sleep tonight.)

The second is a terrific joke that Jeff Foxworthy- in my opinion the greatest stand-up comedian of both his generation and mine- made about the similarities between rental cars and... ladies of the night:

That joke gets me every time. And I've rarely come across a woman to whom it applies more readily than Ms. Lohan.

But the third thing that comes to mind in connection with Ms. Lohan's name is, frankly, how sad her life is.

Ms. Lohan is 29 years old. Few girls in their late twenties of my acquaintance look as used-up, washed-out, and just plain fallen as she does.

I remember watching what was then a 12-year-old Lindsay Lohan in a rather cute comedy called The Parent Trap, also starring the late and legitimately excellent actress Natasha Richardson. Ms. Lohan was quite adorably silly in that film, coming across with just the right mix of childish mischievousness and innocence.

One look at her now tells you just how far she has fallen. And that is truly sad to watch.

Ms. Lohan's choices were, and are, her own to make. Her mistakes are hers to own. Who she sleeps with, how many different kinds of drugs she takes (and in what quantities), what she spends her money on, is her business. But she certainly should not get a free pass for her self-destructive actions. And no man in his right mind, with any degree of sense, should attempt to wife up such a fallen woman.

Based on past experience, there are only a few ways in which this particular pairing is likely to end- assuming, of course, that the nuptials actually proceed as planned, which I find unlikely to say the least.

First, Ms. Lohan will probably end up assiduously cheating on her younger spouse with any reasonably good-looking man willing to give her the time of day. As any regular reader of Manosphere blogs and magazines can attest, this will inevitably result in her looking ever more used-up, and will certainly not do her self-esteem any good.

She could probably get away with that for a few more years. These days, Botox, plastic surgery, makeup, and other such... enhancements can do wonders. But just as no amount of paint and spackle applied to a house is going to hide the decayed floorboards, the grimy windows, the funny smell coming from the basement, and the dusty attic, those upgrades aren't going to do her much good after about 35.

The end result of what is likely to be the worst decision of a young man's life? An expensive divorce in which Ms. Lohan gets rich, as do the lawyers on both sides of the case.

Here's the thing, though: Mr. Tarabasov has his entire life ahead of him to make his money. (Or he could just get his dad to bail him out- much more likely, in my opinion.) A man's future potential depends almost entirely on his work ethic, his ability to identify good opportunities, and the experience that he has accumulated through years of getting kicked in the teeth, repeatedly, at the beginning of his career.

If he's smart and plays his cards right- for which, admittedly, there is scant evidence at the moment- then after his first failed marriage, he will likely go on to a life of wealth and ease, surrounded by beautiful women of his choosing. Again, that's IF he makes the right choices, and he certainly isn't making the right one right now.

Second, the engagement will fall apart long before the marriage ever takes place. If so, Mr. Tarabasov is likely out five figures, or however much a skating rink shaped like a diamond costs these days. (The discussion over the stupidity of buying diamond engagement rings is for another day, but it's worth having.) If he's worth a few million dollars or more, that's actually a damned good bargain- better to cut one's losses and run than to face massive lawyer's bills and the likelihood of seeing half, or more, of one's earnings and wealth removed at gunpoint on the orders of a court.

Third, this marriage actually works and these two live happily ever aft-

Goddammit...

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My apologies for that. I had to go find something to clean the coffee off my keyboard. I just couldn't write that with a straight face.

For us ordinary mortals, the lessons of this little foray into the pointless, vapid, and frankly stupid world of celebrity gossip are clear.

No matter how tempted you might be, no matter how great she might be in the sack, no matter how firm and bouncy her breast implants might be, NEVER TRY TO TURN A HO INTO A HOUSEWIFE. You will regret it for the rest of your life as the biggest mistake you ever made.

And never even think about wifing up a woman whose sexual past has been revealed in very public fashion, repeatedly, to the point where her N-count is in the high double if not triple digits. Otherwise you're going to find yourself confronted in very stark, living colour with the consequences of getting together with a woman who has had 500 Miles of Mr. Right going through her, 6-8 inches at a time.

Many people simply will not get this, as the westernised caricature of women as sweet and innocent is so pernicious. Its everywhere, such as the Tara Brown incident currently being played out in Lebanon.

A good mate of mine still doesnt 'get it' after years of patient explanation. He is currently single, and often discusses various women. Ive told him i would jettison the friendship of twenty years if he takes up with a single mommie, with the only exception being a widow. He still doesnt get it...

My God, she was the hottest thing I'd ever seen when she was doing Herbie and Mean Girls. I'd practically nut just looking at her. Wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole now. As Rick James said, cocaine is a hell of a drug. Tara Reid has suffered a similar fate. All women hit the wall eventually, but it's a shame when they speed it up for no good apparent reason.

As you say, Tara Reid went through something similar- maybe worse, actually. Remember what she looked like in National Lampoon's Van Wilder? Hard to believe that, of the main stars of that movie, it's Ryan Reynolds who has aged and matured well and Tara Reid who has flamed out spectacularly.