new to this

First off, I'm just so happy to have found this forum- until yesterday i thought i was the only wife to have a husband who isn't interested in sex-

I am my husbands third wife and he's only 32- his first wife told him to stop taking his meds and he listened- I didn't even know what adhd was until yesterday- Like so many people here I feel like a roommate/parent in this relationship My husband and I have sex maybe once every two months-

but that doesn't stop him from pleasing himself and leaving the dirty tee shirts for me to pick up- I can't tell you how hurtful this is- the resentment -

I can get over the messiness of the house, the forgetfulness and just about every other symptom that goes with adhd- but the lack of intimacy is killing us- I've tried bringing this up in several different ways- yesterday when I told him I see signs of adhd effecting him he told me that it was a childhood disease he out grew- when I asked him to look at this sight with me he flat out refused - he self medicates with alcohol, pot and at times with meth- we are just getting back together after his last bout with the meth- where even though we weren't having sex he got on line and joined several wed dating sights soliciting sex- of course I found out- he promised this would stop and after three more days the same thing happened again- it was just too painful for me- after a two week separation we're back together but my resentment is still here- I have good days and bad days- I'm trying very hard to encourage his positive traits- what really kills me is here I am doing everything I can think of to build a sexual life together he'd rather go at alone or with strangers- while I'm sitting in the next room- just don't want to be towel girl anymore-

Comments

tdlr....we are in similar circumstances, my husband is also 32 and have very little interest in sex with me, but the computer is his "best friend" in that regard. I don't have much advice to give you, I'm pretty new to all this too, but I know the feeling of not being wanted. Although if I were you, I would be way more worried about the illegal drugs and the consequences of him using those. That is something I would not be able to put up with...I refuse to go to jail and lose my life for someone elses buzz!

I have started the very hard work of letting go of what I cant change and working on me. Time will tell if my dh will come around and want to work on him, right now he is unmedicated and not willing to see a counselor. Take care of yourself and remember that only he can take care of him. This is a amazing site with wonderful people! I learn something new everyday! ~~HUGS~~

Thanks for your words- they really mean alot- I realize the best thing to do is work on myself too- there are so many wonderful things about my husband that I love- I try to remember those everyday- and to be patient- It's just hard to go in the opposite direction of my partner- its gotten to the point that when he comes home and sits in front of the tv until he decides to go to bed that I can't stand to be in the same room- it's just too lonely- I did do something interesting last night though- usually he just gets up off the couch and goes to bed without a word- will leave everything on- whether that be the stove, the tv- the doors wide open or even the faucet running and just go to bed- last night I asked him where he was going and reminded him that its important to acknowledge the people youre leaving- that in a family we say good night- this sounds trivial enough but it really made an impact on him- I'm trying to show him that its not alright to walk past- over or around someone that you love without saying something- these are the goals this week that I'm trying to work towards in our family- as for myself I'm trying to stay positive- also doing things without him- but it's hard- I realize that I've built my life not so much around him but this condition- finding myself again is work- unfortunately I've conditioned myself to be selfless in this relationship to avoid pain- it feels like a vicious circle- I'm interested to know if you have any living and or survival techniques that help in your relationship and any advice on working on ones self-

The best advice I can give you as far as living techniques is take it one day at a time. We can have many good days in a row and I think my DH is finally "getting it" and then it all goes to hell again. But I am finding that the "hell" is less and less. I'm not sure if I so much "work" on myself or just have just started taking time for myself each day and realized everything doesn't have to be "perfect". I try to take a half hour for myself each day; walking, reading, just sitting on the deck to recharge and find the "self" that got lost somewhere in the past 5 years. Little by little its working, but its definitely a work in progress.

You sound like your on the right track, just try to remember not to expect to much to quickly. Its a learning process for all involved, gain all the knowledge you can and let that guide you to the path that works best. ~~HUGS~~