How Many Burglars Does It Take To Steal A Light Bulb?

Tired of getting your light bulbs stolen by filthy burglars? Sick of living in a dark house?

In the Middle Ages, this problem was not an issue at all. Not only because they had pits with crocodiles, cauldrons of boiling oil and goblins watching over the treasure piles; also because the light bulb was not invented yet.

Unfortunately, we live in the world of the technological revolution. We have to spend out meaningless lives surrounded by all these nasty technological miracles; playing disgusting high quality video games, watching repulsively good TV shows, and lying in horrifyingly comfortable intelligent mattresses. That’s the world we are living in, and light bulbs are a very important part of that world.

Burglars are greedy and mischievous; they want all the light for themselves, and there’s only so much we can do to stop them. The times of the spiked fences, the killer swans and the magic secret doors are over, and now we are forced to cope with all sorts of gizmos created to make our lives easier. Who would really want that?

Modern home security systems are there to accomplish two goals: preventing burglars of entering your home and calling the police when they are inside. Nothing about killing or maiming them; that belongs to our glorious past, my friends. So, you may have an incredibly expensive system that will close the doors of your house -big deal- and, when the burglars manage to get in, call the police. Excuse me, but if you are not able to close your own doors or to call the police when a stranger is unscrewing your precious light bulbs, you have no right to be in this planet, sir. Or madam. Or whatever you are.

There are people who build Panic Rooms at their houses. For me, that idea is just crazy. Why would you want to have a room that inspires terror and despair inside their own homes? It’s way better to have that room outside, or way below. That’s what we call a proper dungeon, with monsters and ghosts and all that inspiring stuff. Let me tell you this: no dragon will agree to pile his treasures in a simple Panic Room. Dragons need caves, big spaces with rocks and moonlight entering through a tiny hole in the ceiling, not Jodie Foster screaming into a camera.

The last trend in security systems is the use of wireless technology. Those sneaky little invisible radio signals creep through your house, talking behind your back and shouting out loud when a burglar gets in. I’m sorry, but my mother in law is way better equipped for that job; not only she does all the things a wireless system can do, but she is also able to cook a poisonous casserole to kill all the guests. Beat that, modern technology!

Answering the original question, “How many burglars does it take to steal a light bulb?”, the answer is quite simple: You need eleven burglars to steal a light bulb.

One to plan the heist.

One to drive the car.

One to open the gate.

One to feed the dog.

One to cut the telephone lines.

One to force the door.

One to unscrew the light bulb.

One to carry it to the car.

One to sell the light bulb to a licensed black market fence.

One to watch the whole operation, eating burritos and saying “you are doing it wrong” every single minute.

And one to rule them all.

My final advise is to forget about modern technology, retire to a mountain, learn the language of the goats, and live unhappily ever after.