Someday……………….. November 5, 2013

You were my bestfriend, my baby, my true love, my everything. There wasn’t a moment in our lives that we weren’t together, then in a split second you were taken from me. I don’t know life without you. Everyone around us always had a “life”, everyone………. every single person I know had a “life” beyond what we were going through………………………………… they have no clue what our life was about…………………..

But My life was yours and yours was mine…………… Now it’s just me……………………………………………..

AND IT’S SO UNFAIR, IT’S SO TERRIBLY PAINFUL. MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY

It’s like having your baby ripped out of your hands and taken…….FOREVER…… how does that happen

Does anyone even understand the depth of the word FOREVER????????

I would give ANYTHING to still be in the “fight”, as horrific as it was. To be getting a transfusion, to be laying next to you while the poisonous chemo is running thru your veins, to be nervously waiting for scan results. to be planning the next state we would be flying to for treatment, to be nervous about meeting your “new ” oncologist, to be fighting back the tears as I hold you down for some ridiculously humiliating procedure……anything to have you in my arms and still have HOPE for tomorrow…………

Is that selfish of me??? I’ve never, ever been selfish…..my life has always been about everyone else.

But right now my pain is so great that I would JOYOUSLY be selfish.

I don’t struggle to hold back the tears, as they constantly flow freely from my eternally swollen red eyes. I smile, I laugh, but inside my eternal struggle is so great that I feel the blood drizzling out of my lifeless heart……how have I not died from a broken heart yet? How have I survived this all consuming torture?????

How appropriate is it that our song just came on………………… You just wanted to see me smile, I know……………………….

I know someday we will be together again……….someday………………………

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I am so, so sorry; I hear your heart breaking over and over. Twenty years ago my niece, who was 4, died of cancer. I remember it like it was yesterday. And if that wasn’t enough, two years ago my precious son died of an overdose. An overdose; my funny, happy, kind, generous kid. I miss him, I miss him. And the thing about grieving is that we each lost our own, unique person, and it feels so terribly lonely.