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Zolton’s Facebook Follies: Murder, He Wrought

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

I’m a pretty easy-going guy. I don’t backhand idiots in public, mostly. I barely have any road rage outside the hours of six AM to midnight. And it’s rare that I’d hold a grudge for more than fifteen or twenty years. Zolton rarely angry. Zolton generally disinclined to smash.

However.

When my home is overrun with pests — insects or critters, crawlers or salesmen — well, that changes the game. Something snaps when I’m protecting my own turf, and I don’t just fight. I kill.

The question is, how best to sweep my sworn enemies out of my house, off this mortal coil, and into a waiting Hefty bag? That’s exactly what I asked of some of my favorite incorporated murderers… er, I mean, companies. Read on for my diabolical inquiries — and my actual Facebook posts on the companies’ official walls.

But fair warning, if you’re some kind of pest apologist — this shit’s about to get real.

Clorox

Undeterred, I schemed to send some vermin to the deep freeze. By deep freezing them, which is totally poetic and badass at the same time. It’s like Chuck Norris reading Yeats while he karate chops a samurai in half.