(Closed) Cold feet or something more?

Hey. Feeling a little down and could use your thoughts. I got engaged about 6 months ago after dating my fiance for about 3 years. We have had our ups and downs (broke up for a month) but was still super excited about getting engaged, but after moving halfway across the country to move in with him (his job made him transfer, so I got my company to transfer me as well) I am starting to feel like I am making a terrible mistake. My wedding is 8 months away and I feel depressed and terrified and I am struggling to figure out if this is cold feet or if my mind is trying to warn me.

I am starting to notice things I never have before, and it worries me (Were long distance for 3 years so never noticed). I have noticed he is unwilling to discuss politics, religion, philosophy, and basically anything deep or different. I am very philisophical and love to engage in deep, thoughtful conversations and truly love friendly debates. I read books like I breathe air and love literature and movies that make me think and question myself so I can keep growing and expanding my horizons. He shuts down when you try to make him open up or express his opinions. He even refused to tell me who he voted for! I tried to speak with him today about religion (I am athiest but love learning why others believe what they do) and life in general and he got very pissed. He said it made him uncomfortable and it was not appropriate to talk about and he never wanted me to bring it up again because it was none of my business. Our conversations are very superficial and boring and that makes me sad knowing I will be forever married to a man who refuses to engage me. All he cares about is Army stuff, football, and his job sometimes. He hates to read and when I try to bring up a thoughtful topic he quickly changes it to “Oh look at this facebook meme”. -.-

When we fight he shuts down and locks himself in the guestroom and refuses to talk or resolve issues. We argued right now and he is giving me the silent treatment – again. When he does come out he acts rude and makes a show of slamming every door in the house and making as much racket as possible. He makes no effort in learning about me and I just realized he has not once asked about my past, childhood, or family. When I ask about his, he clams up and getting details is like pulling teeth. He never asks my thoughts or opinion on ANYTHING. Sometimes I wonder what the hell he even thinks about all day.

He sucks at sex and is not romantic. He usually wants to do it after playing Madden and its 11 PM. He lasts about 3 minutes and then instantly gets on his phone to read FB and sleeps. Told him a million times what I want and sometimes he tries but then quickly rushes and at this point I am so disengaged I do not even want sex anymore and have lost all desire for it. There is no passion and half the time I do it just so he doesn’t feel bad. I feel like more of roommate than a partner.

There are tons of positivie things, do not get me wrong. He is a good man and is very loyal. I had a breakdown after missing my friends and family back home and he quickly asked his company to transfer him back in a few months just for me. Even offered to quit and find another one. But I am not sure if we should be married. I just feel like there are so many gaps in my relationship and I constantly wonder if I should stop being picky or if I am settling. These issues bother me a lot and he refuses to talk with me about it.

Thoughts? (Feel free to call me out if I am being ridiculous. Want honest advice.)

Wait, he thinks that discussing religion or politics with your future spouse is not appropriate and he never wants you to bring it up again? Habe the two of you talked about having children? If you plan to, he MUST discuss his expectations about how to raise them (religiously or not). And locking himself away and slamming doors during an argument? It really sounds like he has some maturing to do before he is ready to share his life with someone else. That in addition to everything else you have mentioned makes it sound like marrying this man would be a huge mistake.

No you are not being ridiculous. These are legit concerns. Is there someone you can talk to? Counseling? For just you and maybe a couples counselor? I think you have some deep questions to ask yourself if this relationship is for you. I would do that before making wedding plans. My fiancé and I spent two days discussing our ballot decisions and I’m not saying that’s the way everyone should be but you need something in common that creates a connection. It sounds to me like he has some past family issue or something if he clams up when you ask him. When we went to premarital counseling we filled out a questionnaire that had tons of childhood experience questions. I have seen lots of questionnaires online and in books that are recommended for couples to discuss before marriage. It says you should definitely talk about these things before marriage religion, family dynamics, future plans, vacation styles, finances, sex, styles wants needs desires satisfaction frequency etc. I think I would find one and see if he would be willing to have a conversation over it. I’m pretty sure the Gottman Institute has lots of info that would be useful.

I do recognize you said there are some good things like offering to change or sacrifice a wanted job is commendable and says a lot about his commitment. I don’t think that is an issue but I do think there are some topics that should be explored.

moonzie : Thanks for the advice. I emailed him a list of counselors to look at and he agreed to try it again. We tried once when we broke up last year but it went poorly. Then again we had a terrible counselor who just watched us argue without ever speaking up or giving homework/advice. Hopefully we can get a better one.

I know he comes from a family that basically teaches ‘sit down and shut up’ and to never question or express himself. (Crazy religious family he has somewhat distanced himself from. He left his church so the future inlaws pretty much hate me.) I recognize how he was raised is contributing to his adult issues, but he refuses to recognize he has a problem and just blanks out when you point it out or gets unreasonably angry and blows up. I am trying to be patient but I am starting to lose it if he won’t change.

Not listening to my heart and rationalizing feelings was exactly how I ended up divorced within two years and thousands down the drain… it sucked. Save yourself the love, time, energy and money so you find the person who inspires, gives, receives and brings you joy. It shouldn’t be like pulling teeth. I don’t regret it because every choice I made led me to the love of my life today. But… knowing what I know now, not listening to myself wasn’t the right decision. Good luck OP.

A pet is “good and loyal”. So is a friend. Your SO sounds incompatible as a life partner as he’s, unwilling or unable to discuss “anything deep or different” and offers a “very superficial and boring” connection.

The silent treatment is a behavior that could likely be remedied with couples’ counseling.

However, the guy doesn’t like to read, isn’t curious about the world outside of his work/football loop and isn’t interested in sharing ideas with his partner. That’s just his personality (or lack thereof) and no amount of therapy will change it.

Trust yourself.

I am starting to feel like I am making a terrible mistake. My wedding is 8 months away and I feel depressed and terrified and I am struggling to figure out if this is cold feet or if my mind is trying to warn me.

I think it’s time to walk away if you don’t want to marry him as he is today. He has been this way the entire time you’ve been with him. These are not new traits and he’s not likely to become a completely new person in the foreseeable future. You can’t make him want to discuss those topics or care about your history. I’m surprised all these things didn’t pop out at you before moved in with him.

If nothing else I would postpone the wedding, but I think you’ll find that you two are just not compatible. You are fundamentally different people.

If he’s not willing to improve things and be more engaging, emotionally and sexually then you should walk away. You deserve a fulfilling and loving partner who wants to know every tiny little thing about you

Don’t marry him. My ex (most recent one before DH) had the exact same issue- he couldn’t stand to explain how or why he thought certain things, hated discussions, and hated being challenged to learn and grow. It made me absolutely miserable and it was after we broke up and I started dating DH that I realized how important those things were to me. You will be unhappy if you settle for this guy- keep looking for the man that inspires and challenges you.