Your Personal Happiness Index

I’m back–from a journey to the land of cancer treatment. Being immobilized by the chemotherapy, I had some serious spare time to think about what really matters. More than ever, I think we need to carefully consider whether divorce is a solution. People think they will be happier if they get divorced. It seems like such an easy solution. But solution to what? What is the real problem? If your answer is that another person, your spouse or partner, is the problem, the answer is likely a little more complex than that. I just spoke with a lawyer I know and she is always having problems at work. She continually talks about how the other people she works with are the problem. And she keeps changing jobs looking for the “right” people to work with. Hmmm…..I don’t think it’s them. More on defining the problem later…….

Even if you’ve got the problem clearly defined, it’s wise to look at all of the areas of your life that make up what I call your Personal Happiness Index. If you think of this as a pie chart, your marriage or committed intimate relationship is one slice of the pie. There are many reasons this piece might not be working as well as you’d imagined it might. Whatever the reason for the dissatisfaction, this is still just one slice of life. Then you have a big slice which is children, if you have them. Our well being is inextricably tied to that of our kids so this slice is relatively larger than some others. Then you have other slices: your immediate family and in-laws, the close friends you spend time with as a couple, your children’s friends and their families, your neighbors, your church, synagogue or spiritual community, other groups of which you are a member, your financial stability, yourself as an individual independent of those who surround you, how you spend your time, your physical surroundings (primarily your home), and possibly others.

When you are thinking about divorce or separation it’s a really good idea to consider how a divorce will affect each of those other areas. Each area is a part of your overall feeling of happiness and well being. Yes, divorce may relieve you of the necessity of living with your spouse or partner, but it radically affects all of those other areas as well. Are you really going to be happier when you see your children burdened by the effects of divorce, like having to lug their belongings back and forth between two houses every week? Are you really going to be happier overall if you lose several friends who you enjoy? Will your Happiness Index have gone up when your in-laws can’t include you in holidays anymore because your former spouse has a new significant other who is coming to the gathering? How will it affect your happiness to have no control part of the time over the people your child spends time with, what your child eats, when your child goes to sleep and what movies she watches? So many things you didn’t think about will happen. If too many of those other areas of the pie chart are negatively affected it could be that the solution you thought would make you happier, in the end makes your life worse. I’m just saying……