Consideration or Obedience: Motivating Children to Change their Behaviour

Picture this. You are the room leader in an early childhood service, and trying to read to your group of children. Most are interested, but one (who is normally happy to listen) is excitedly trying to get the attention of a friend. The noise interferes with the rest of the group being able to hear the story.

If your big-picture aim is to maintain a relationship of mutual respect, how will you motivate her to change her behaviour?

Would you like the young girl in your room to stop talking because of a fear of being put in time-out; or because she can see that the other children are sad and frustrated when they can’t hear the story, and she’s concerned about her friends being sad?

In my opinion, two drivers for children to do as we ask could be either:

Consideration for another person, including a parent, friend, carer, sibling.; or

Compliance, obedience

Consideration comes from within the child (intrinsic motivation), while obedience is a result of factors from outside the child, usually rewards or punishment (extrinsic motivation).

Which motivator would you like to see influencing a child’s behaviour?

Compliance

Compliance means “to act in accordance with a wish or command; to be agreeable, to oblige or obey; unworthy or excessive acquiescence” (Oxford dictionary).

The words ‘compliant’ and ‘obedient’ are generally only applied to children – the ‘good child’. Describing adults as obedient conjures images of power, of inferiority. For example, would you call your partner compliant, or your co-worker obedient?

A child that changes his or her behaviour because of expectation of a reward, or fear of a punishment, is obedient.

Our aim is to meet our needs.

When we ask for obedience, we are really seeking to have our needs met. As a parent, we like to relax at night after our children are asleep; or to get to work on time. As an educator, we like to see children working together without fighting; or to have periods of quiet in the room.

I think the key is: how do we help children to meet our needs, or the needs of others, while maintaining their own self-respect? Do we want them to comply with our requests because they are afraid of the consequences; or to act out of consideration because they care about others, and because they know we care about them?

When a child changes their behaviour because of obedience, they are thinking only of themselves. Will I get a reward, or how can I avoid a punishment?

Compliance comes at a Cost to the Child.

Obedience and compliance occur at the expense of a child getting their own needs met.

When children are taught that their needs are unimportant, they don’t learn to stand up for themselves. They may be bullied, or lose confidence. At the extreme end of the compliance spectrum, obedient children may be at risk (according to respected Emeritus Professor, Freda Briggs) of being abused. When an adult tells them to keep a secret, they will keep the secret – even if there is a threat to their own safety.

And of course, compliant, obedient children may grow into compliant, obedient adults.

Consideration

When children change behaviour out of consideration, they take into account the needs of another person (such as their carer, parent or friend), AND their own needs. A considerate change in behaviour is a voluntary change, where children consciously put their own needs last.

Children that modify their actions because of concern for others are exercising inner discipline.

Safety

At times, we might want children to change their behaviour quickly, to keep them safe. They are more likely to listen, oblige, and learn for the future, if we have a relationship of respect, than one based on power.

This is an essential skill in terms of helping our children learn how to consider others. A three part I-message looks something like this: “when . . .(describe child’s behaviour) I feel . . .(a feeling word) because . . . (describe how you, or another person, has been affected) “.

An I-Message comes across as an appeal for help, allowing a child to take into account both their parent or carer’s needs, and their own needs.

By including the cost to the parent (such as time or effort) a child can consider what they need to do to help their parent out of a predicament.

Avoiding rewards and punishment means avoiding the use of parent power, which can lead to compliant children.

Inevitably, there will be times when we are annoyed, frustrated or concerned by children’s behaviour. Helping children to change their behaviour through consideration, rather than compliance, will help us remain connected, our children to develop inner discipline and self-worth, and our relationship to flourish. Children will learn to care for others – their friends, their siblings, their teachers – and to be thoughtful citizens of a wider world.

This article was originally published for parents on Gordon Training International. Read the original article here.

Larissa Dann

Larissa is a parent who, many years ago, attended a parenting course. The skills and approach of that program influenced her life so profoundly that she became a parent educator. She is now an experienced instructor of Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T), having taught over 1000 people, including parents, teachers and practitioners. Larissa uses the skills everyday, endeavouring to ‘practice what she preaches’. She is an accredited P.E.T. facilitator, group leader, and counsellor. She feels privileged each time she teaches, as she observes the communication skills empower children, parents and carers in a relationship of respect. Larissa is now enjoying dabbling in the area of written reflections, otherwise known as blogs.

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