Author: Mary Berger

So I’ve been watching this show all evening on Netflix called “Who the #@!* did I marry?!”. I’m at the end of the episode about the Green River Killer and while there’s some definite cons (like, you know, he’s a murderer) about marrying a serial killer, there’s also some pros. Such as:

1. You’re the only one safe from getting murdered: I mean, come on, like he is going to murder you and draw all that attention to himself.

2. Presents: Serial killers are constantly buying their spouses roses, jewelry and one woman even got a Porsche. Obviously I get that the gifts are basically to guarantee that when the police show up at your door that you will just stop asking questions for FIVE minutes and proclaim their innocence. Well, until their letters from prison get to be just too much. HOWEVER, as someone who happens to LOVE presents I still consider it a pro.

3. Oh, you’ve always wanted hardwood floors? No problem! He will be pulling the carpet up and burning it while you’re at work.

4. Your house will ALWAYS be clean: Spotless in fact. No finger prints on YOUR windows!

It wouldn’t be very fair if I didn’t mention some of the cons. For instance:

So I’ve been very busy with some important things since I last updated.

1. Searching for My Little Ponies on eBay. I miss my ponies and needed a fix. Though I’m afraid people think I might be a pedophile because not only do I like Justin Bieber (HE’S 18 OKAY?!) but I spent like 4 hours looking at ponies online. People are serious about this shit too. This is a description someone wrote about the My Little Ponies she sells:

My favorite sentence is when she tells you she’d be happy to smell any of the ponies if they come from a less than desirable home. I wonder if they do the same thing for foster kids when they’re selling those.

2. I finally realized that panda bears probably smell really bad.

3. I saw the Velveteen Rabbit in my driveway. The real life one. And I know it was him because he didn’t move when I pulled my car up, he just stared at me.

4. I decided that beluga whales are the neediest, most desperate animals and you would not want them as a friend.

Look at this photo. If you don’t look at this and visualize him saying, “Oh. Hey. Did you say something about going to lunch? I know you didn’t invite me but I mean, I love lunch. I’ve been working on some new jokes. Want to hear them? I swam all the way from the Arctic to see you. I know you said your phone is broken every day and that’s why you never answer but I am pretty handy with phones if you want me to take a look at it. Also, I uh, noticed you hadn’t accepted my friend request yet. Every time I look it says ‘Request pending’. But I did see that you’ve been changing your profile picture and that you’ve been adding other friends. No worries, I’m sure you’re really busy,” then you’re an idiot.

5. I saw “The Amazing Spiderman.” Well, I tried to but these 14 year old girls were sitting next to me and talking through the ENTIRE thing. One of them was texting but still wanted to know what was going on so the other one would loudly explain what had just happened.

It took everything within me not to lean over and say, “Excuse me. First of all, do you know your shapes? Great. Okay you see that rectangle at the front of the room? That’s a MOVIE and I see that you’re not overly invested in it but I am trying to be and someone keeps distracting me. I get it, it’s great that Jared texted you. Oh, how do I know about that? Only because you’ve been discussing it louder than God beside me. So here’s what we’re going to do: You can either shut up or you can go shoot yourself. It’s up to you. Those are your options.”

6. I was in one of my best friend’s weddings and spent the entirety of the time making up “what if” situations about how I could ruin her wedding, telling her I was going to walk down the aisle like a Tennessee walking horse, and invading everyone’s personal space on the dance floor.

7. I discovered I can dance and eat an apple at the same time.

8. I caught a raccoon in the act of eating garbage on top of a dumpster.

So as you can see I’ve had a super busy and important month. It’s okay if you haven’t, mine was enough for the both of us.

So I have this love/hate relationship with the Zooborns website. While I love baby animals, I am absolutely disgusted that I don’t get the chance to tend to any of them. What makes those zookeepers so special? When do I get the chance to brush the tiniest monkey ever with a toothbrush? I spent most of the evening screaming about this to Rob and I found out that APPARENTLY there is no job that is specifically for brushing baby animals!

Me: “DJ ROBBY D!”

Rob: “PLEASE stop calling me that.”

Me: “What do you mean? That’s your rap name. Anyway, my life is in shambles. I need a new job.”

Rob: “Okay, let’s find you a new one online. Hmm…okay, here are some administrative assistant jobs, one at a nursing home…”

Me: “No. no no. Where are the jobs brushing baby animals at the zoo?”

Rob: “What? No one has that job.”

Me: “Okay then, hand raising meerkat pups as my own. I’ll take that.”

Rob: “These aren’t real jobs.”

Me: “Okay, here’s the thing. Look at these girls: They are my age and they are holding meerkat pups. Six between them. That’s the job I want. They have it, I want it.”

Rob: “Their job isn’t just raising meerkats or brushing animals! They’ve probably put in a lot of time and have a degree in biology.”

Me: “Now look. Here they’ve decided to put all these meerkats in a silver bowl. They said, ‘We have a silver mixing bowl. And meerkats. Go on, put them in there! Quick!’ Then they said, ‘We need more places to put these baby meerkats. What about… THIS! We have this spare water bowl from those arctic fox cubs we raised and now live at our house. Put them in there. We have all afternoon!'”

Rob: “I just don’t think you understand how zoos work…”

Me: “All I know is that I’m very clearly stating what sort of job I want and I notice that you keep looking at restaurant jobs. I want the job brushing animals and raising them as my children. Put that in the search engine. WHERE ARE THOSE JOBS?!”

Rob: “OKAY HONEY. Here’s the thing: those girls know something about science. That’s how they have that job. And I love you but I saw your ACT scores and you just don’t know anything about science. BRUSHING BABY ANIMALS IS A PERK. NOT A JOB. A PERK. If you want a new job, be realistic.

Me: “Look at this tiniest monkey. They are brushing him WITH A TOOTHBRUSH. Because a comb would break him.”

So I decided it was time I make a list of my goodest and baddest ideas. And yes, I know that you’re not supposed to say either of those words but guess what? I promised MeLissa and I’m a woman of my word.

GOODEST:

1. Forever Puppies: Can we all agree that big dogs as puppies are one of the cutest things in the world besides kittens? Yes we can. So here’s the deal: I find someone science-y and together we figure out how to make golden retriever puppies STAY puppies. Or I will just pay them to figure out how to make a new breed of puppy and I’ll just take the credit. I guess mess with their hormones or something. And I know what you’re about to say: “Just get a small dog.” NO! Small dogs still have adult faces. I want a forever golden retriever puppy with the babiest face ever.

2. Acquire a baby hippo: this one goes along the same lines as Forever Puppies but it’s really just more for me. I want to take a baby pygmy hippo and have it be a baby FOREVER. I won’t sell those like I will the Forever Puppies because I’m just making one. I’ll just do exactly what you would think someone would do with a baby hippo: Put it in the bathtub. Dress it in a sailor outfit. Name it Jeremy.

3. Buying the Jackson 5’s greatest hits: I have played nothing else for 3 months.

4. Vodka gummy bears: MeLissa told me about this so Erin and I immediately researched it and bought 3 lbs of gummy bears. They are delicious and alcoholic. Dirty drunk bears.

5. Buying two large boxes of Handisnacks “Cheese and Breadsticks”: um. amazing. And it seems I can only find them at Walmart now. Kroger only sells their shitty off brand. I know this because I was searching for them there and when I couldn’t find them, I loudly exclaimed, “NO ONE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY!” and this woman and her toddler glared at me. Clearly she knows nothing though because if she did, she’d know that there is a DISTINCT taste difference in the cheese between Handisnacks and shitty off brands. Idiot.

Okay, so I’ll only bore you with my top 5 goodest ideas. Now onto my top 5 baddest ideas:

BADDEST:

1. Self tanner: Enough said.

2. Reading an article about children who are psychopaths: Here’s the thing–they look just like regular kids (sometimes amazingly cuter) except they’ve pushed a 3 year old into a pool just because they want to see someone drown.

3. Vodka gummy bears: You get to a point where you don’t even know how many bears you’ve had and you’re just in this weird/drunk/hyper mood which quickly turns into a sugar coma and you wake up with dog hair on EVERYTHING.

4. Buying Real McCoy’s greatest hits: This happened the same night I hung out with those drunk, dirty bears.

5. Putting my cat on a leash and taking him downtown: Adorable? YES. However, cats do not appreciate being put on leashes and he just ended up lying down on the sidewalk until I just carried him into a Baskin Robbins which pissed them off because it was gross and pissed Eddles off because it was cold.

Feel free to use any of my baddest ideas but I swear to God if you steal my Forever Puppies idea I will hire one of those psychopath kids to stalk you and make your demise look like an accident. Those kids are smart. If anyone can do it, they can.

So I just turned 25 and I finally feel like an adult. And not because I can rent a car. I don’t care about driving some orange kia rio.

Anyway, this dawned on me tonight when by mere coincidence, I happened to go see my parents on the same night my mom was making tacos for dinner. Every time she makes tacos she puts the shredded cheese in a bowl with a fork. Tonight I used that cheese fork instead of waiting until my mom had looked away so I could use my fingers. So what if I wasn’t used to using utensils and threw cheese on the floor? The point is I used that cheese fork. I am a real live adult and I have a list to prove it:

1. The olive jar: this goes along the same line as using the cheese fork. I have stopped cramming my fingers into the olive jar like some ape that’s smart enough that it can communicate by sign language that it’s hungry but too dumb to figure out how to get the food out of the packaging.

2. Washing my hands: within the past couple of years I have started washing my hands regularly. Without being reminded. I have also stopped running the sink so that people think I washed my hands and now I am actually getting my hands wet and soapy and using paper towels. Washing my hands used to be something I only did after asking myself the following questions: “how many animals did I pet today? Did I pet more than 1 cat? If so, how many? Did I let that dog lick my hand? Did I actually get to touch that lizard’s tail on the patio or did he swish it away too quickly?”

3. Washing my fruit: apparently that’s a thing now.

4. Making lists: I quietly made a list of reasons to share with you instead of shouting them to anyone who would listen.

5. Volume control: I don’t use my outdoor voice indoors anymore! Or at least I don’t as much.

So yes, I am a real live adult but I still hate napkins and REFUSE to get one on my own accord. I will wipe my hands on my pants until I die. Or my mom places a napkin in my lap for me. Whichever happens first.

So I needed a while to recover from reliving the horrors of going to a buffet on steak night. Anyway, so a friend of mine had briefly met Idiot #2 at a party and had gotten his number because she decided in her drunken state that this guy and I were made for each other. So really, this date is kind of my fault because I trusted her inebriated judgment and agreed to go on this blind date. Fortunately for me, he chose a Mexican restaurant close to my apartment and we met there so escaping was a viable option.

So I have barely gotten settled in my chair, when Idiot #2 says: “Just FYI, I got arrested this summer so I have a pending court date. But it wasn’t my fault. See here’s the thing: my buddy got some really good weed from this chick he was banging, she was like from Florida or Mexico or something. Anyway so like we’re gonna smoke it, you know? But then I realized I’d left my bowl at my other buddy’s house and we weren’t speaking because he punched me the other night when we were wasted. Like I almost fell in the bonfire so obviously I’m not going to speak to him. Anyway, so like I’m not gonna roll a joint because I didn’t have papers and besides my fingers are too big to tightly roll one. So like, we decide to drive to that gas station in Smyrna that those Indians run because they sell bowls. Well, they have to say glass pipe but we know what’s up. Right? So like we get the bowl and we’re heading back and my friend gets pulled over for speeding. Well, wouldn’t you know they had the drug dogs with them?! So of course they sniff it out and like because the bag was within my arm’s reach I get charged with possession as well! And it wasn’t even my bag of weed! And I mean, my friend drives a mustang, have you ever seen one of those?! EVERYTHING IS WITHIN ARM’S REACH IN A MUSTANG WHEN YOUR ARMS ARE AS MUSCULAR AND LONG AS MINE. So I get arrested because of my friend’s mistake! I just thought you should know.

Me: “Okay so let me get this straight: your friend gets some marijuana from this Floridian or Mexican and so you have plans to smoke this weed. So you go to the store and buy a ‘glass pipe’. Your friend then gets pulled over and you both get arrested for possession of the marijuana that you both intended to smoke and for the paraphernalia that you had bought with which to smoke it. And so you feel you have been treated unjustly because your arms are long and mustangs aren’t very spacious. Okay, so I see why this would not be your fault. Completely.”

Idiot #2: “YES. okay thank you! I knew not all women with big boobs were stupid!”

Me: “And I knew all men with mustangs and pending court dates weren’t trailer trash.”

He then spends the rest of the date cutting me off whenever I tried to answer a question that he asked and when it came time for the bill, he asks for a menu to look over the prices again and then states, “well, what you got wasn’t that expensive so I guess I could pay for it.”

As we’re leaving he gives me a hug and goes,”wow! This really wasn’t as terrible as I was expecting!”