I Have Reached My Point

Since 2002 we have had my MIL living with us. In the beginning it was not too bad. We had four people in an apartment that was for 2 but finally got a 3 bedroom. However then we found a really nice house and bought it. Nice back yard, fenced in, landscaped, etc. Then things got rough with the economy so we sold and got place not too far from where we were but closer to hubbys work. Now mind you all this time since 2002 we have not, nor would we have ever asked for nor accepted any money from my MIL for rent, utilities, food, etc. It just doesn't seem right to me or my husband. However she is without a doubt the most vile person behind your back you can imagine. She has talked about my son who is in training for the fire department, something that is done on a 24 hr shift. Once a month he goes to a fire station where he is friends with the captain there and stays for a full 24 hr shift. He has to sign a form saying he will not sue if he gets hurt, etc., but I will tell you I am never worried when he is with those guys cause I know they will take care of him and they won't let anything happen to him. Well evidently MIL can't understand why he isn't at the fire station full time. Today's comment was that well "he must still be in diapers". That was is for me. I opened the door slammed it about as loud as you could and you would be amazed at how quiet that evil mouth of hers has become. However I have had it. She will knock on his door when he is home during the week studying, and ask him to fix stuff and do other things for her which he does. He has heard her call him lazy, useless, no good, etc. What a fucking bitch. I am sorry. Even my husband is fed up with her and it is his mother. I flatly asked him the other day, "Did you know she was this way and brought her out here anyway or is this some fluke or whatever". He said that his father used to make his breakfast everyday before he would go to work and my husband would go to school. Meanwhile "Mother of the Year" slept. I am so pissed, but more than anything I am hurt. Not for me but for my son. He is a really good kid. He is 20 yrs old. He doesn't hang out with friends and get in trouble. He studies. He does this twitter thing with LACoFD that he and the captain he is friends with started. He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs. He doesn't have a girlfriend yet but has his eye on a couple at the gym who are startihg to get friendly with him. He was a good student when I home schooled him and then sent him to Omaha to a seminary with out church because he thought he wanted to be a priest, however he made the decision that the priesthood was not for him. He has always wanted to be a fire fighter. Just ask SoCalShakin his sister on here. She will tell you. He is never rude to her but that time is coming to an end and I don't blame him. When I hear someone sitting outside my bedroom windown saying the things she does, how would you keep your cool? I know I couldn't. I have had my fill that much I do know. I don't want to talk to her, see her, anything. The less I have to do with her the better. Frankly she is nothing more than a piece of shit and that is a horrible thing to say about someone older than me and my parents always told me to respect my elders and I have gone out of my way with this woman. Mind you this is a woman who when we were getting ready to move from the one house to our current house, she asked me to come into her room and then proceded to tell me that "it was my mother (who had passed on 12/26/03) that was pulling her toe to let her know that I was stealing her jewerly). Mind you there wasn't a piece of jewerly missing but that is beside the point. That screwed me up so bad that I ran to my bedroom. locked the door, and got on my bed and rolled up into a ball and just cried and cried. My husband opened the door asked me what happened and by this time I was hysterical and had to tell him half a dozen times for it to make sense. He went into his the garage, got a bunch of boxes and told her to pack them and put on them what address she wanted them addressed to, she was not coming with us and how dare she say what she said to me about my mother. She then comes in realizing that she is in deep shit as she has no where t go and says "I am sorry, I was just joking around". At that point I sat up and scremed "If that was a fucking joke you have no sense of humor and I want nothing, nothing to do with you, leave me alone."

In 2009 we of course noticed that she was doing strange things (like this hasn't been strange) and took her to the doctor and she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. Ok, well that answers some of the questions but not all of them. We fenced in our yard on the one side that it wasn't fenced in so that our dogs could not get out. Our dogs are very, very dear to us and we love them just like any other member of the family and it is our responsibility to make sure they have a safe environment to. Well, the one gate that was here when we got here and is wood, sometimes can blow open if the wind gets really strong here. Well one day evidently it did. My MIL had taken the dogs out but never checked the gates which she says she ALWAYS does. Well, I heard Mandi, our mini-schnauzer barking by the side of th house where my office is. I said "Mandi, stop barking, you don't want to make the neighbors mad". The out of the corner of my eye, I saw two people walking outside so I went to the front door (which we had to install a special lock on that you need a key for either side to get in or out of) and they asked me if this little dog was mine which of course she was. She went running up the driveway and her is my MIL going "How did you get out of there?" I was too pissed to yell at her so I just picked up the dog and went back to the people and I thanked them so much. She is so special to me because she was born (9/6/04) the day before my dad passed away (9/7/04). I think if I lost any of them I would be heartbroken but she is really my little girl. Anyway, that had been the third time she had gotten out and it was the last. That was when we installed the special lock on the front door. We just couln't chance losing any of them again. I bought our neighbors a really nice plant and thanked them again for being so nice. She is full pedigree and has papers. She is chipped and tagged but she is so small she would be hit by a car very easily. That thought just about killed me. However the comments about my son are still just too much for me to take. Here you have a kid who is 20 and not in a stitch of trouble. He is in charge of the MSDS safety program at work. He is the assistant safety manager there as well. He is developing the disaster plan for work in the event of an earthquake or other disaster that could happen. So this is not a kid who is "useless".

I don't know but my rubberband is just about at it's end to snap. Once it does, look out.

_________________"So let's sink another drink,'Cause it'll give me time to think, If I had the chance, I'd ask the world to danceAnd I'll be dancing with myself"-Billy Idol

Hi Calibabe. I hope you don't mind my jumping in here, but felt I had to as I have a friend who is close and dear to me who also has Alzheimer. Most of the time he doesn't know who I am, but there are times he will remember me. He seems to remember me up to the age of about 16. Memory of everything past that is gone.

With him it came on late in his life, but when it did it came on fast. His wife took over the responsibilities of running the home, but just recently decided to sell it so they could move to Hollister where they could be closer to medical help and friends.

His wife has adjusted, but knows they are fast approaching the point where he is going to have to be put into a home where he can be watched more closely. He won't know the difference, but she will. They have been married for more then 50 years now and feels it is her responsibility to take care of him. I tell her she will still be taking care of him when he reaches the point he has to go to a home.

You and your husband are going to have to have a talk about how you are going to handle your MIL. Clear the air so to speak. Explain to him your feelings. You and he will have to understand that what you're experiencing with your MIL is not really her fault as she is not the same person she was 10 or 20 years ago. She may not even be aware of what is happening to her except maybe during the times you confront her. Take Care...Don

Can no longer cover up problems. Pervasive and persistent memory loss, including forgetfulness about personal history and inability to recognize friends and family. Rambling speech, unusual reasoning, and confusion about current events, time, and place. More likely to become lost in familiar settings, experience sleep disturbances, and changes in mood and behavior, which can be aggravated by stress and change. May experience delusions, aggression, and uninhibited behavior. Mobility and coordination is affected by slowness, rigidity, and tremors. Need structure, reminders, and assistance with the activities of daily living.

Severe/Late--1-3+ yrs

Confused about past and present. Loss of ability to remember, communicate, or process information. Generally incapacitated with severe to total loss of verbal skills. Unable to care for self. Falls possible and immobility likely. Problems with swallowing, incontinence, and illness. Extreme problems with mood, behavior, hallucinations, and delirium. In this stage, the person will need round the clock intensive support and care.

I became very religious in the christian faith when I was about 19 and then just left studying engineering at UC Berkeley to read the bible. I almost ended up going to a bible college in So. Calif. Unlike most men, my dedication to Christ led me to resist women, to this day. Most people at EB mistakened that for having same-sex interests. Here in Portland, my faith has helped me to resist very pervasive same-sex astral dreams (a little like the movie “Inception”).

I ended up taking night courses in computer programming. Learning to work in some kind of computer technology might be a line of work to consider, such as a computer salesman at Office Depot (that’s where I got my last desktop). I’ve been working in clerical/ computer programming since around 1980 (mostly part-time clerical right nowi).

I understand what it might be like to live with an older person with Alzheimers. One advantage of being single is not having to deal with other people’s problems. Although I’d still be glad to help Dona mow her lawn. Beaverton isn’t very far from Tualatin. I used to play racketball at Beaverton’s Western Athletic, while working in Portland, and living in West Linn.

Don in Hollister wrote:Hi Calibabe. I hope you don't mind my jumping in here, but felt I had to as I have a friend who is close and dear to me who also has Alzheimer. Most of the time he doesn't know who I am, but there are times he will remember me. He seems to remember me up to the age of about 16. Memory of everything past that is gone.

With him it came on late in his life, but when it did it came on fast. His wife took over the responsibilities of running the home, but just recently decided to sell it so they could move to Hollister where they could be closer to medical help and friends.

His wife has adjusted, but knows they are fast approaching the point where he is going to have to be put into a home where he can be watched more closely. He won't know the difference, but she will. They have been married for more then 50 years now and feels it is her responsibility to take care of him. I tell her she will still be taking care of him when he reaches the point he has to go to a home.

You and your husband are going to have to have a talk about how you are going to handle your MIL. Clear the air so to speak. Explain to him your feelings. You and he will have to understand that what you're experiencing with your MIL is not really her fault as she is not the same person she was 10 or 20 years ago. She may not even be aware of what is happening to her except maybe during the times you confront her. Take Care...Don

Can no longer cover up problems. Pervasive and persistent memory loss, including forgetfulness about personal history and inability to recognize friends and family. Rambling speech, unusual reasoning, and confusion about current events, time, and place. More likely to become lost in familiar settings, experience sleep disturbances, and changes in mood and behavior, which can be aggravated by stress and change. May experience delusions, aggression, and uninhibited behavior. Mobility and coordination is affected by slowness, rigidity, and tremors. Need structure, reminders, and assistance with the activities of daily living.

Severe/Late--1-3+ yrs

Confused about past and present. Loss of ability to remember, communicate, or process information. Generally incapacitated with severe to total loss of verbal skills. Unable to care for self. Falls possible and immobility likely. Problems with swallowing, incontinence, and illness. Extreme problems with mood, behavior, hallucinations, and delirium. In this stage, the person will need round the clock intensive support and care.

Don,

Sorry it took me so long to respond. My husband and I have talked about the situation at length. We even had Visiting Angels come in and do an assessment. However because MIL is not friendly to those she doesn't know, it is difficult at best to have someone come in. She will accuse them of stealing or other things and it would just be a huge mess at this point in time. We do realize that eventually when it gets to the point where we won't be able to deal with the situation on our own that we will have to have support staff come in or we will have to look at the alternative of putting her into an assisted living facility or skilled nursing facility. We really don't want to have to go that route but we know that option does exist. Having spent my entire life in the medical field, a SNF is really the last place I would want to put anyone. I just have such a negative opinion about them. I know that there are good ones but they are far and few between. However I also know what my limitations are and I can't lift her if she were to fall.

I went through my grandfather having Alzheimers and it was tragic to watch a vibrant man just drift off. The last time I saw him in the hospital he did not know me or my father. He eventually went to a SNF in NJ and when my dad would call me I would ask how he was. My dad said to me one time that he had difficulty visiting him. I told my dad that if he went to visit him but got to the door of the SNF and could not go in, then that was alright. It was very difficult for my dad but he did force himself to go. If nothing else my dad thought that if he did have a moment where he could recognize him then he at least would know he had been there. It was very sad. It was a relief when my grandfather finally passed. A relief in the sense that he was no longer caught in a world he knew little of and was causing him so much pain. My grandfather always, always took great pride in how he was groomed. His hair was always freshly cut. He always shaved each day. He looked like he stepped off the pages of a magazine when he would go out. He also enjoyed life. He loved to fish. He loved to go take a boat ride. It finally got to a point that my dad had to talk to him about taking his drivers license away because my grandfather had gotten lost driving around town. That was really the beginning of the end. Thankfully my MIL knew that her driving skills had fallen way off when she was in FL. When I went there to pack up her belongings and move her out here with us in 2002, she had already made arrangements to sell her car and not drive anymore. For us that was one less thing we had to tell her she could not do. Now she locks her bedroom door all the time and we have to tell her, sometimes forcefully not to do so. We explain to her that if something were to happen to her that we would not be able to get to her quickly to help. Hopefully that will sink in and stop her from locking the door.

Looking at the descriptions you supply we are somewhere between the Moderate/Middle to Severe/Late. It is difficult to get her to do her daily living skills (bathing, keep her hair neat, etc). She does make herself something to each sometimes if she is hungry but most times she will just look at getting something that is easy like peanut butter and crackers or peanut butter and jelly. She has finally stopped using the stove. Thankfully! She used to have a habit of not eating what was put in front of her when I would cook, and she said she liked TV dinners so that is what we get her. We switch things around for her and we will sometimes get her to eat breakfast on the weekends but that is few and far between. If she does sit at the table with us, she just stares off into space. If we are having a conversation, she will also just stare off into space and not contribute to the conversation even though we will ask her a question. She also has her age confused. The other day she was out in the yard and she kept saying that she was doing alright for 93, well the only problem is she is 85. Like I said the worst thing is the back stabbing that she does in regards to our son, her grandson. It is just hateful and it hurts him. My husband said this is her nature that she used to do the same thing to her sisters with their kids. So if this is not something that is out of her nature the Alzheimers has just amplified it. The only good thing is she has not become physically abusive to anyone in the household. There are times however where you can see where she does not recognize anyone. All in all I guess it could be far worse. I have dealt with Alzheimers patients in the hospital and it is difficult at best but you make the effort and sometimes go above that in dealing with the problems they are having. The same can be said for our situation at home. We do our very best to keep her happy and give her the things that she wants. I guess if we can do that and keep her happy and content then we are not doing so badly.

You are a very good to your friend Don. He and his wife are lucky to have you in their lives. God bless...

_________________"So let's sink another drink,'Cause it'll give me time to think, If I had the chance, I'd ask the world to danceAnd I'll be dancing with myself"-Billy Idol