From Zobabe’s Journal

To preface this post, I was “asked to resign” my teaching position. Read: “fired.” I don’t think they can do that, but I am so frustrated right now I can’t think straight.

On to the post.

There are days when we are fit for battle, when the fates seem to be in our corner, when the wind is at our backs, when we honestly, truly believe war is the right thing to do.

Other days, not so much. Today, my armor seems a little flimsy.

I know the lessons I am supposed to learn: humility, submission, servanthood. I am having a hard time with humility, because I keep getting it confused with self-esteem and self-worth, and I cannot for the life of me figure the point of submitting to something that instills self-hatred rather than confidence. I also have a problem with submitting my own desire to eat every. last. brownie. to the god that is my waistline, but that’s a whole other issue. If I thought for a SECOND THAT had anything to do with this? I would SO be on the phone to national fat people headquarters. But I don’t, not really.

Of course, if I fight, I place myself on the altar of public opinion, and I can never fully let people inside my head far enough for them to understand my decisions. That in itself is hurdle numero uno: ignoring what everyone else thinks. Numero dos is my OWN opinion. That’s already pretty low, and I don’t know if I can stop myself from collapsing and screaming, “You’re right! I am difficult. I do not deserve your mercy, oh superintendent of making-people-hate-their-jobs.” I don’t know if I can take any more smiles while the knife is twisted, and I don’t for a minute believe that all of the people who say they are behind me 100% will risk their own jobs to watch my six. I know they want to, but gas ain’t cheap, and groceries don’t just magically find their way to the freezer. I cannot blame them for that. On the other hand, I can’t win alone. I NEED public support.

Here’s the truth: if I fight, and win, I can NOT sign the contract. I don’t want this anymore, and besides, I know the system too well. I know next year will have me on suicide watch. If I fight and lose, I can never teach again. Either way, I am out of a job. The only difference is that one way, I could honestly face an interview if I chose to try again elsewhere.

There are just too many things wrong with the way this was handled. I don’t for a minute think they SHOULD be able to get away with it, but I am just an employee, after all. I could change the whole thing for the better. Or I could destroy the program. In spite of what those “in the know” have to say, I am not sure I am the person for the fight.

Let’s call Mel Gibson and let him lead the charge in a loincloth, maybe. I’d stand behind THAT ANY day.

To live is to laugh, to love is to grow, to survive is to fight. I love to laugh, but I don’t think I’m worth either of the other two. That makes this all the more difficult.