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today I said yes

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

When we don’t get a placement call for too long, I start to feel anxious. After Baby D left, we had several calls in the space of about three weeks. Then…nothing for months. Until today.

I had three conversations within the three days about how we were pretty much done with babies. I’m kind of liking this stage where we don’t have to take all of the baby gear everywhere. Bottles? I scoffed at the idea of doing bottles again. Diapers? Please. I’m finished with that stage. I have a friend having a baby. Her youngest child is getting ready to turn 10. I literally spent ten minutes talking about it on Sunday with her parents. Laughing. Not at her, but definitely at the situation. Saying how I couldn’t even imagine switching life stages at that point, how I can barely imagine it at this point.

Laughing. I have a sneaking suspicion that God might be laughing at me right now because today we got a placement call. Finally. You’ve probably guessed the punchline: it’s for a baby.

Not just ANY baby either. The smallest, tiniest baby ever. (well, not ever. but that’s sure what it feels like to me) A baby born at 30 weeks. 8 weeks old today. Four and a half pounds.

I called Wendell. We talked for what felt like forever. Then we said yes.

Tonight, while I’m up late frantically washing clothes that are almost definitely too big, researching the best bottles and nipples for preemies, trying to figure out how to work this Moby wrap I borrowed from a friend, I’m wondering why.

In my heart, I know why. I told Wendell tonight that I really felt like just throwing up from all the stress and anticipation, and he said, “Me? Not so much. This is what we do.”

He’s right. This is what we do. This is what we were made to do. I don’t know why, but this particular placement is right. I have no doubts about that. We were supposed to say yes. We are the right family for this baby at this time. I like to imagine that we are the right family for this baby’s mama at this time. I don’t know if she’ll stay with us, but I do know that we will love her with everything we have while she’s here. I pray that she’s here for awhile. After Baby D, I realize that it’s not my favorite thing to send babies to another home when they can’t go home to their own mom or dad. I want this tiny baby to be loved, cared for, in a family – ideally with the mama who gave her life, but in the meantime, we will gladly fill that role.

If you’re reading this right now and you pray, could you spare a couple minutes for us? The kids are excited, but a couple of them are cautious. The goodbye to Baby D is still fresh. Wendell and I are excited, yet anxious. We never, never expected we would say yes to a newborn. Maybe we’re poor planners, but we had agreed upon a criteria for the next placement we accepted. This baby meets that single-item checklist as well as some more practical wish-list type items, but when we talked about that criteria, we never envisioned a newborn. Ha. Maybe this’ll teach us to come up with more than one item to look for when accepting a placement.

This probably sounds ridiculous to those of you not involved with foster care. When you birth a baby, you don’t get to choose anything. You get what God gives you. When you do foster care, however, you get to say no. You still don’t get to choose really, but you do get to say no to anything – any CHILD – that you wish. It sounds crass, and on a certain level, it’s harsh and cold and lacks compassion. On another level, with children who are already hurt and traumatized and uncared for, you definitely want truly capable and willing people to love them and care for them. Thus the weirdness where we can say ‘no’ to children who need a family.

However. We said yes to this baby. Sweet M. She is meant for our family. I don’t understand it, because if I had chosen, this would not have been the scenario.

Nevertheless, it’s Yes.

Yes to the emotional rollercoaster that I know we’re about to embark on. Yes to the intrusion into our lives that will be occurring. Yes to the commandeering of my schedule by parental visits and caseworker home visits and home health care nurses and team meetings and court dates. Yes to the complete giving of my heart to yet another sweet baby who may or may not return my love. Yes to absolute surrender.