Family relationships: 'I'm a jerk!'

"I can’t play the violin anymore!" my 5-year-old, Lizzy, wailed. We didn’t take the violin with us on the Thanksgiving trip to the mountains, and we were now paying the price.

"Lizzy, of course you can play," I said. “You just have to start, and you’ll remember. Ready? Go.”

Lizzy wasn’t about to be persuaded. She was tired — and stubborn. So I raised the stakes. “You’ll have to go to time out if you don’t obey.” Still nothing. So I sent Lizzy to her room.

“I don’t care about you!” she stomped up the stairs. I sighed and silently blamed her dad for giving her the stubborn gene.

But a few minutes later, a small miracle occurred. Lizzy came downstairs sobbing. “What’s the matter, Liz?” I asked.

“I’m a jerk!”

In that moment of 5-year-old introspection, I couldn’t help but smile.

Introspection is the ability to examine and evaluate one’s own conscious thoughts and feelings. It’s an important skill for children to develop, because it often precedes citizenship, humility, and empathy.

While it is something that must be experienced (not taught, per se) here are a couple of things we can do as parents to help facilitate introspection in our children.

1. Teach kids to "Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes." Asking your child to consider another’s perspective in an argument is one easy way to do it. “How would you like it if Jenny wouldn’t give you any candy?” or “How would you like it if Maia called you a buttface?” are (unfortunately) questions I have asked my children during the past month.

This question almost always produces guilt and results in better behavior—at least for a while.

2. Give service. One of my good friends doesn’t send his kids to their room—he has them give service hours instead. Disrespectful to their mom? They do laundry for an hour. Mean to their brother? They make his bed for a week. Not only does the punishment fit the crime, but he also cuts down on his own workload!

In an ideal world, Lizzy won’t ever get frustrated playing the violin or say she doesn’t care about her mother. But she’s only human. The most I can hope for is that she takes a look at her own behavior and makes changes when she makes mistakes. So far, she’s doing a great job.

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Amy Osmond Cook, PhD is a freelance writer and mother of five who writes a family relationship column for OC Moms, the Orange County Register's parenting section. She is the author of several books, including "Hope After Divorce" and "Why They Believe."