Nearly a year after Tracy Morgan’s tragic car crash, which killed comedian and friend James McNair and left Morgan critically injured, the actor finally spoke out. Morgan, who has been rarely seen in public since the accident, sat down with Matt Lauer on Today Monday morning, tearfully reflecting on the physical and emotional difficulties of the last year. “I can’t believe I’m here, I can’t believe I’m in front of you,” he said. “Just seeing the tragedy that happened, it touches me.”

It’s been a tough road for Morgan, who was in a coma for two weeks following the accident, but the loss of his friend trumps all. “Bones heal, but the loss of my friend will never heal,” he explained. Morgan revealed he watched the crash on YouTube over and over again, and learned of his friend’s death by finding video of McNair’s funeral online. “I lost it for about a week,” he said. “I had to know what happened to my friend. I had to know and I had to pay my respects, and that was my way.”

Morgan credited loved ones and former co-workers like Tina Fey for helping to keep his spirits up over the last year. He also took time to personally thank the hospital faculty who treated him, as well as his family for their unconditional support. In doing so, he revealed a shocking new piece of the story, saying he typically brings his family to his gigs, but told fiance Megan Wollover to stay home with their daughter Maven Sonae that night because she was teething. “They wouldn’t of made it,” he explained. “That’s the thing that tears me up.”

Prior to his Today interview, Morgan settled his lawsuit with Walmart, the company whose truck hit Morgan’s limousine on the New Jersey Turnpike last June. He told Lauer he’s happy Walmart stepped up to support McNair’s family with their settlement, but it doesn’t replace having his friend with him. “The case is settled but the pain is always going to be there for Jimmy Mac,” he said.

Morgan assured Lauer he will always love comedy, but right now his goal is to heal. “When I’m there, you’ll know it,” he said. “I’ll get back to making you laugh. I promise.”