Those two political conventions gave me gas, constipation and the runs. If I heard one more speaker talk about how their parents were born in an outhouse and how they had to crawl ten miles to beg for rotten eggs and then saved up their pennies so they could be the first in their family to go to a community college, so that they could get a menial job slinging donuts and ass-kiss their way up the corporate ladder, so they can be in a position to beg the rest of us for money and votes, so that we could pay them money to represent us, and screw us over on a daily basis, until they come and ask us for more money – I was going to lose my lunch!

Ed wants something better!

I’m done with these overly slick presidential candidates. Mitt Romney tosses dogs out hotel windows and President Obama eats dogs with the broccoli his wife grows in her mother’s bathtub. They’re both lying thieves who would throw your chidlren into a vat of Nutella if they thought that would help them get your vote.

What we need is somebody who appreciates good, well-developed brains. We need somebody who eats brains.

Yes, old Ed wants you to vote for A. Zombie, and if you don’t do it, then I’m going to eat you for lunch. And that’s a fact.

Why am I voting for this undead leader? Well, the live, blood-filled leaders are all mule dung. It’s time for a new kind of leader, it’s time to elect somebody who already is dead. Not someone who acts dead. Vote A. Zombie!!