Discover what happens after the break-up

Waking Nightmare

When I look over the last, almost two years, one thing is clearer than most. My mind has been unable and unwilling to accept my reality. The reality of life without Tina is a nightmare I live through everyday. Whenever I think about it, my mind stills feels the same level of disbelief I had in the beginning. It’s a nightmare I cannot wake from, but still hope to wake from.

There are still too many questions and unresolved feelings I have inside about it, and about how she seems to be happy with someone who at best is giving her the same things I did. So if she’s happy there, she should have been happy with me. How do people do that? Convince themselves they are soo happy with a new guy or gal, and the person they are sooooo happy with, aint doing anything different or better. It’s like saying you don’t like McDonald’s, and then walking across the street to McDonald’s and declaring it the best food ever. I mean really? I had very little sympathy for women that got done wrong by men, BEFORE TINA, now I find myself having zero sympathy and no tolerance for the “boo-whoos” of women and the bad men they choose to date, or date after leaving a perfectly good man. Its why I HATE that movie and book, “Eat, Pray, Love.” Bottom line is Tina chose to be unhappy. And chose to be happy with perhaps the same type of person, assuming he treats her right to begin with. The ease and fun of money takes awhile to wear off, so she is still in the new phase. But that does not mollify me.

Let go. That’s what I’m told. What the hell does that mean? I mean does anyone think I want to wake up every fecken morning for two years with her on my mind. Do you have any idea how debilitating that is? I now know why people kill themselves. I didn’t use to. But now I can understand how the pain and the agony will not go away, and you just need…release from it. It just has to end. Why doesn’t it? Especially if there are no “soul-mates”

I think it’s this one question that stalks me. What if, what if there is such a thing as the person you’re supposed to be with? How pathetic to find them, and then not be with them. My fear is that there is such a thing, and I know it, despite all the cynically people out there that say, dont believe that. I know the real secret, and it did me no good, because I met her, got her, and then she left. I cant say I lost her, because I cannot think of a single thing I did worthy of the way she walked away. Without looking back, without telling me why, without a struggle or a fight. She just walked, like a girl leaving a bad date. Did I deserve that? Did I do something sinister that I’m afraid to admit to my readers or anyone silly enough to listen to my tale of woe.

I wish I had. Because then I would have a clue. But I’m afraid to report, I did not. I was not perfect. No one is. But if failure is a 1 and perfect a 100, I was in the 90’s, that I promise on my mother’s grave. It it didn’t matter in the end. It didn’t matter at all. And so now I live everyday without love. Without my mate, and inside I die all over again, every morning and every night.

5 Responses

“But if failure is a 1 and perfect a 100, I was in the 90′s, that I promise on my mother’s grave.”

But that’s in your mind, not hers. In your mind, you were doing everything right, but was it really what she wanted? Apparently not. You need to find a woman who appreciates you for who you are, which obviously your ex did not. I don’t understand why this is so hard to grasp and why you still pine over someone who cheated on you and left you at the drop of a dime for seemingly no reason at all. She is happy where she is, there’s no way you will ever understand WHY, so just work on making yourself happy.

I hear u Ido. i would just add that a thirsty man in a desert is happy with muddy water. doesnt mean he did have better back in civilization. IF she is a hppy and more importantly the guy istreating her the way guy should then all she has is a lighter version of me. he’s not doing anything I didnt. she chose to ignore all my good points and focus on my few flaws.

Lord, I hope I don’t end up the way you have Joe. Wishing, thinking, wanting someone who doesn’t want you back. You are ruining your own life by still holding on to what you had with Tina. She’s moved on, you’re a thing of the past for her. There are plenty of women out there who would love to have you in their life. It’s been too long; what you’re doing is not good. I don’t plan to sit around forever waiting for the man I fell in love with who doesn’t love me back. I am special and there is a good man out there waiting to meet me. I just have to be more careful next time. Oh, it will take me a long time but not as long as you Joe. Life’s too short.

So then why are you still torturing yourself over this? Why do you still want her knowing damn well she is a sorry excuse for a woman, an adulterer, ungrateful, and unreal? You need to figure out some way to get over this and move on… she has.