Hobbits would only drink ales since lagers are not found on Middle-earth

I bet Hobbits are the ultimate Real Ale bores, their own stools at the Hobbit pub and everything.posted by Artw at 1:52 PM on December 15, 2013 [3 favorites]

I thought Denny's answered this question with its Hobbit-inspired menu. You mean to tell me that Tolkien did write anything about the "Build Your Own Hobbit Slam"?posted by vorpal bunny at 1:52 PM on December 15, 2013 [4 favorites]

Wait, what? Denny's has a Hobbit tie-in menu?posted by spamandkimchi at 1:57 PM on December 15, 2013

However, maize was grown only in the Americas until very recent times, so chronologically it could not be growing in Middle-earth when Frodo walks past.

Hobbits having corn seems to strain credulity.

But perhaps it was imported on Elven ships, or in the droppings of flying, fire-breathing dragons.posted by justkevin at 2:02 PM on December 15, 2013 [8 favorites]

You know that scene in the movie where the Uruk-hai are born from muddy sacs and pulled out of the earth? That's kind of how I imagine the food at Denny's is created.posted by The Whelk at 2:03 PM on December 15, 2013 [18 favorites]

Turned up in this thread to say LET US GO THENCE TO THE BUTTERIES

which is really what Bergil says to Pippin at one point when Tolkien is not fully switched out of Heroic Mode to Prosaic Mode. I don't know why I have neurons carrying that around.posted by Countess Elena at 2:14 PM on December 15, 2013

If you should happen to want to knit like a hobbit, you might check out this blog post. [Warning: I wrote the blog post and this is an act of shameless self-promotion.]posted by orange swan at 2:35 PM on December 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

(Is there a source for the "Hobbits would only drink ales since lagers are not found on Middle-Earth" title? Is it in one of the links? I searched but didn't find it.)posted by incessant at 2:41 PM on December 15, 2013

It is a dead cert that the very English Tolkien meant grains like wheat or barley when he wrote "corn", not maize, especially given his tendency to favour archaic usages.posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:59 PM on December 15, 2013 [13 favorites]

Hobbits having corn seems to strain credulity.

The word "corn" doesn't mean "maize" in UK English, or at least it didn't in Tolkien's time. It just means "grain", or "cereal grain".posted by mr_roboto at 3:05 PM on December 15, 2013 [6 favorites]

Back when I had run of a ceramics studio with an attached 120 cubic foot salt kiln, I made a habit of doing a New Years Day firing, inviting anyone and everyone to put work in and help me do the 10 hour firing. I usually provided food and drink and since I had keys to the cinema in the art building I'd show a movie or two. One New Year's I showed the complete run of the extended versions of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Halfway through The Two Towers people began dissipating, and I was left to finish firing the kiln by myself.

Later I asked my group why everyone had left and the universal response was, "Three hours of hobbits was plenty. I went to go watch football and drink beer instead."

I mention this only in case another foolhardy soul decides to watch the trilogy in one marathon sitting (or on the odd chance Peter Jackson is reading this...): It is not a good plan. You should have plenty of beer and a football game in reserve. Especially if you want to still be able to socialize at the end of the party.posted by 1f2frfbf at 3:26 PM on December 15, 2013

I have done MORE THAN ONE extended viewing party of all three films and yes, it can be done, but by the end everyone is just kind of exhausted and/or crying and strung out, only able to mumble " that was ... A lot of movie."

The only people who came out unscathed was the Russian Cinema student ("Oh nine hours, so a short feature then?") and the opera dork who had previously sat through the three day long version of the OTHER well-known Ring Cycle. ( and mostly made catty asides about the music in everything but FotR.)

So yes, it can be done, if you pick your audience and entertainments right.

Copious ale and pipe-weed helps, with breaks for coffee and fresh air.posted by The Whelk at 3:34 PM on December 15, 2013 [6 favorites]

in UK English

Okay that made me guffaw (Canadian English for LOL).posted by srboisvert at 3:48 PM on December 15, 2013

But you should find lagers in Middle-Earth -- there are plenty of cold/cool climes which would lend themselves to that style. After all, lagering is the process of low-and-slow fermentation by bottom-fermenting yeasts, which can stand a bit of a cold snap and keep going. Lager yeasts are a product of evolution, not magic. The slow fermentation, combined with the long duration, can lead to a very clean, crisp set of flavours. I could well imagine a hobbit raising a nice glass of weisse after tending the summer fields too. Just 'cos Tolkien didn't mention them doesn't mean they couldn't have existed.

Ferment a lager at a slightly too high temperature, though, and they tend to go ballistic and activate the metabolic pathways which lead to diacetyl (aka butterscotch flavour).

So, in conclusion, Middle-Earth is a land of contrasts (hat tip to history_denier).

And here we have corn, or as the Hobbits call it Sweet Canary nibbily munchbits.posted by The Whelk at 8:00 AM on December 16, 2013

> Wait, what? Denny's has a Hobbit tie-in menu?

No Orca-Cola? Surely Bored of the Rings is canon by now.posted by jfuller at 8:42 AM on December 16, 2013

So the elves also brought the Hobbits statin drugs and insulin?posted by jfwlucy at 10:42 AM on December 16, 2013

Old English corna (the root of Modern English corn) is grain in general. As most are probably aware, Tolkein was a noted scholar of Old English.

You don't really need to be a noted scholar to know that, just British.posted by Artw at 1:06 PM on December 16, 2013

w/r/t corn and new world crops, perhaps the reason Gollum does not know what a tater is may be that he first came into posession of the ring before New World crops had begun to appear in the Shirelike area he hailed from.posted by mwhybark at 1:09 PM on December 16, 2013

Also no discussion of fictional food in fictional universes can be allowed to go on without a link to No Reservations: Narnia.

From the fourth link: Tolkien altered the text from the first edition, to the second edition of the Hobbit. In the first edition Gandalf calls for chicken with tomatoes, in the second and subsequent editions Gandalf calls for chicken with pickles. To Tolkien’s ‘ear’ tomatoes did not sound right and play no more part in The Shire menu..

The usual contention is that Tolkien removed tomatoes for being out of place for Middle-earth, as they are native to the New World. The issue here, of course, is that the equally New World potatoes were left in the text of LOTR. It's been alternately suggested that it was simply too early in the year for fresh tomatoes - the Unexpected Party was in late April - so Tolkien substituted an item that could be stored.posted by Chrysostom at 2:05 PM on December 16, 2013

The Whelk: "Gollum however has the all fish diet and that dude is tight."

Well, he did manage to live for a very long time on this diet. I bet it wasn't the ring but all those Omega-3 fatty acids.posted by Hairy Lobster at 4:56 PM on December 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

Since this post came up I've tried the meat pie, seed cake and porter cake recipes. All were quite good. To be honest, I didn't expect the seed cake to be very good, containing 30 g of caraway seeds, but it was surprisingly tasty.posted by Harald74 at 9:01 AM on December 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

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