Marnie’s Guide to Unique Jewish Diseases II

Part 2 of the abbreviated dictionary of Jewish diseases.

In Part One, I gave you the results of my personal research into what could or might be a “Jew-sease” that only occur among We Jews, given our unique background and biology.

Illness: Chazzeritis. An illness where the sufferer is obsessed with pathological cheapery.

As a writer and a Jew, I like to be thorough. So I have more entries from my Jewish medical guide. Call it a public service.

Look at it this way, God forbid, you have enemies, you can always say “May you make it big in software, have a digital mansion in Silicon Valley with 100 automated bathrooms, and then may you need every one of them because you’ve contracted a mild case of grepsophilia.”

MARNIE’S ABBREVIATED JEWISH MEDICAL GUIDE

Illness: Grepsophilia. Chronic belching in a variety of circumstances. True, we all do it from time to time. Attractive it isn’t, but after five or ten matzo balls, what’s a stomach to do? This is a normal Jewish reaction. The grepsophiliac, however, is a constant grepser in any and all situations. This condition exists in both kinder and their parents.

Symptoms: Anything can trigger an attack from Cream of Wheat to a Little League game (where either father who’s watching, or son who’s playing, may be affected) to paying full price for say, a George Forman grill, even on the Shopping Network. Some grepsophiliacs hiccup or gurgle, while those seriously afflicted may belch with such force a B52 could take off from the gas alone. Gentiles may have acid reflux or Gerd. Upon testing, We Jews have gornished. As others find them long-winded (among other things), many grepsophiliacs, as a secondary result, are forced to sit alone, clacking at HeebDate.com in a windowless room stocked with AirWick.

Illness: Emmesophilosis. An underrated condition where the individual is positively forced to tell the truth no matter what, even if it could/might bring on an angina attack in others.

Symptoms: Of course We Jews are bound to honesty. We’re expected to tell a clerk if we get too much change, admit we caused those little dings on our neighbor’s hybrid, stand up for what we believe, and without exception, talk truth to God and those on Facebook. Emmesophilics, however, are obsessed with expressing “their” truth – about everything, especially, you. They are incapable of telling a white lie, or even shutting up. Typical remarks may include, but are not limited to:

“Your new baby. Not a beauty, but you can fix it later.”
“Even after those treatments you still look 10 years older.”
“Listen, your son Hymie would be better off applying to clown school than trying to get that online degree in dairy herd management.”
“Your new house? I only pray the roof doesn’t cave in.”
“The brisket you made? Darling, your dog will enjoy.”

The condition is often confused with yenthimphilia, (but the yenthimphiliac opensa mouth about others). They may appear insensitive, but they’re very sensitive, should, God forbid, you mention their new haircut is chaloshes!

Illness: Chaloshism. The chronic tendency to get nauseated or faint at the unexpected or expected.

Symptoms: While We Jews are an emotional people capable of becoming nauseated or fainting at both good and mostly not so good news, say: a rotten corned beef sandwich for which we paid $14, the fact that our child is marrying a lobsterman, our fiancée is giving up law to study origami. These are all examples of good reasons to fall down. The chaloshist, however, finds a reason to throw up or fall down at most pieces of news. For example, should their husband use the good guest towel, they need a vat of Kaopectate. If their son gets a B plus in chemistry, they need it intravenously. Should their Shabbos challah not braid correctly, they’ll plotz altogether – especially if family and friends use the word “Overreacting.” Remember, it’s a condition. The only groups studying this phenomenon are Insurance companies. Fortunately the online Society for Chaloshism is fighting this as ethnic profiling.

Illness: Idiopathicpneumopollinosis. This is a highly under-rated condition known to Gentiles as “allergies.” The difference is, for We Jews we’re not just talking peanuts, but a plague that makes many of us break out into something at virtually everything around, in, or near us. One researcher, Shlomo Fliegel, feels an Egyptian sorcerer was getting us back for Passover. Then again, Shlomo also joined the Church of Ed Wood, and wears his toupee inside out.

Symptoms: In addition to the usual toxins, such as all non-Kosher foods and pollen, those afflicted have a variety of symptoms which can occur spontaneously – or not. The triggers may include water, daylight, the moon, their mother, mechanical devices, exercising, the thought of exercising, touching, and their mates, among others. Upon exposure, the sufferer may experience coughing, sneezing, wheezing, unsightly rashes, and in more stubborn cases, tics and plotzing. Each of these can occur alone or together, but the one constant is chronic shnarfling. Trust me. It’s not “all in their mind” and this diagnosis should do away with any assumptions that the Jewish wife is “cold” toward her husband in you-know-where.

Illness: Meshushugganicity. A general condition of lunacy which could be temporary, chronic, or triggered by unusual stress, for example, your mechutonim come for Shavout, and decide to stay till Rosh Hashana.

Symptoms: Behavior varies in seriousness from odd bouts of wearing ones underwear inside out to becoming obsessed with inventing a square Hamentashen The diagnosis of meshushugganicity is highly generalizable. The only true test is through general observation by a group of Jews who say: “Hey, look at that meshuggena!”

Illness: Chazzeritis. An illness where the sufferer is obsessed with pathological cheapery. Whether food or things, “junk” is the style of choice. Of course this does not include those addicted to a) bargain hunting; b) negotiating; c) a thing for kugel chips, all of which is healthy Jewish behavior.

Symptoms: The chazzeritic, however, spends his or her day scouting the “Free” section on Craigslist or finding old people to take them to thrift shops on Wednesday and has them buy for him at a discount. As a result, they could be featured on “Hoarders” as their house is filled with truly ugly tchotchkes like free broken can openers, half a mattress, and used pillows made in fifth world countries. As a result, common secondary conditions are shlumperdikism which makes them look like hobos, and an assortment of unpleasant itchy rashes from infestation, or what’s breeding in their bargains.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Quirky, no-nonsense, funny, Marnie – writer, editor, author, lecturer, clinician, and administrator -- is a straight-shooter, who has a distinctive voice and takes on the world in her columns, features, and books. Her advice column was syndicated through Tribune Media Services, and it currently appears in Singular magazine as Singular Solutions. Marnie has written over 20 books/calendars, including the series “A Little Joy, A Little Oy." Her books include Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother and A Little Joy, A Little Oy (pub. AndrewsMcMeel). She is also an award-winning “calendar queen” having written over 20. She has been nominated for both an Emmy and Writers Guild award.Thefullwiki.org has listed Marnie Macauley on their list of top Jewish_American writers, dead or living. (She’s still deciding which.) She was also chosen as a Distinguished Woman in Las Vegas in March of 2014.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!