'Glee' recap: Glee, Actually

FOX

The glee kids are singing in a winter wonderland.

The glee kids are singing in a winter wonderland. (FOX)

L'Oreal Thompson

So apparently this week's episode is supposed to be based on the holiday movie "Love Actually;" thus, the title. But, seeing as how I've never seen it from beginning to end and I don't remember exactly what happens, I can't quite reference the similarities. So you'll have to forgive me. Or find another recap. I won't be offended.

If you, however, decide to stay, thank you. So we begin the episode with Artie all banged up and bruised because he fell. Alas, the janitor had not yet applied salt to the sidewalk and our beloved Artie took a tumble. Finn takes him to the nurse and Artie is tired of feeling helpless, so he wishes he were never in his wheelchair.

You know that old adage, "be careful what you wish for"? Yeah, it applies here. Cue the dream sequence! Basically, as a result of Artie not being paralyzed in a car accident, glee club does not exist. So...Tina still stutters; the "cool" guys are all douche bags; Rachel is a librarian; Kurt is still getting bullied and Quinn died. Not cool! Thankfully, Artie awakes from his dream and everything turns back to normal.

Meanwhile, in New York, Rachel is preparing to leave for a gay cruise with her dads and Kurt's dad surprises him at the door with a real Christmas tree. Then Burt drops the bomb that he has prostate cancer, but he's going to be okay, thank goodness! And if that weren't enough, he surprises Kurt with Blaine so they can continue their tradition of a Christmas duet. I love Burt. Love, love, LOVE Burt!

Confession: I want to go ice skating so he can serenade me as we perform triple axels to Christmas carols. Not that I can actually do a triple axel. But this is my fantasy and I can do whatever the heck I want!

Back in Ohio, Puck saves his little brother, Jake, from a fight and then persuades him to come back with him to California...where they sing a Hanukkah song on the studio lot at Paramount Pictures. Afterward, they get matching star of David tattoos. Brotherly bonding at its finest! Except for the part when Puck lies about having a house and being successful to impress Jake, so they return to Ohio together to reunite their families.

In the halls at William McKinley High School, Brittany is doling out lavish gifts, such as a Rolex for Marley; a three-week trip to Saint-Tropez for Ryder (I'll gladly take that, thank you!); and a 2013 Toyota Camry for Tina...all because she thinks the world is about to end due to the Mayan apocalypse. Of course, Sam also believes the world is going to end on 12/21/12, too.

Naturally, Blonde and Blonder create a club for the apocolapyse, in which they tell the other glee kids how they really feel about them. And then Sam sings "Jingle Bell Rock" to Brittany, complete with a chorus of cheerleaders dressed as reindeer.

And then he pulls out another kind of "rock" and proposes to Brittany...you know, because the world is ending and all that jazz. So they get "married" by Coach Beiste, who is apparently ordained to perform Mayan weddings. But on and behold, the world doesn't end and we later find out they aren't actually married. Whoomp whoomp.

Marley's mom explicitly states they're not exchanging gifts this year because they have to pay for Marley's eating disorder therapy sessions. Sue, overhearing this conversation, decides to sell her 7,000-year-old tree to some kind of antique dealer and donate the proceeds to Marley and her mom. Aww, Sue has a heart!

As a "thank you," Marley rounds up the gang to sing a Christmas song for Sue. Aaand that's a wrap. At least until next year. See you in January, fellow Gleeks, and a Merry Chrismahanukwanzakah!