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You are probably in shock. You might feel as if the floor has opened up under you. Suddenly, there is an emergency and a strong need to take some action right away; you may have already left or thrown your partner out, or you may feel on the verge of doing so. But this may not bring you any real relief.

Your sense of safety, of trusting your own experience, of your place in the world, has suddenly been shaken to the core and the person you usually turn to for help is the very person who is the cause! You may swing from one extreme to the other; wanting to pull that person back in, very close to you, on the one hand, or get rid of him/her as fast as you can on the other. You want to be alone; you can’t bear to be alone. You want to confide in others; you want to hide what feels like a shameful secret. You just want to sleep, you can’t sit still. This is all normal.

You have experienced a psychological trauma. Chemical processes are occurring in your nervous system that leave you in a state of chronic hyperarrousal which can leave you feeling agitated, anxious, panicked, and sleep deprived. Your rage may feel uncontrollable. You may feel sick, be unable to eat, or stop eating. Your world is suddenly upside down, and narrowed, nothing else seems to exist except the affair. Your body eventually needs a respite from this state and you go numb, nothing seems real, you can’t feel anything and feel isolated and strangely disconnected from others. Then there is a reminder of what happend and you are plunged into the turmoil all over again. This is all normal.

Was I a Fool?

Finding a partner in life who you make yourself vulnerable to and develop a deep level of trust with; who allows you to feel safe in the world because you know they will be there for you and value you above all others, and who is working with you to honor the commitment you have made to each other is a developmental achievement. This achievement involves the ability to trust, and to allow yourself to depend on someone emotionally in some ways like children depend on adults. Current research into successful couples therapy demonstrates that when a couple can learn to be vulnerable with each other and seek each other out during times of emotional distress for comfort, the relationship becomes successful. In other words, your belief that your partner valued you above all others, just as children have that belief of their parents, was an important part of what allowed you to be who you were out in the world. You were not a fool to invest this energy into your partner, even if there were signs that he or she was not as trustworthy or present as you wished. Acknoweldging this reality is terrifying and it is natural to try to preserve a sense of safety in the world by dismissing evidence to the contrary.

Spying

At some point however, the evidence may have become too strong. At that point you may have tried to confront your partner. If they denied the affair, that did not put you at rest. As I have mentioned before, you started to have the sense that the relationship had a potentially life-threatening illness and became obsessed with getting an accurate diagnosis. Going through emails, cell phones, pockets, desk drawers to find confirming evidence of the affair is a natural response. It reminds me of the scene in the movie, Lorenzo’s Oil where Susan Sarandon, playing the mother of a boy who had an illness that no doctor could diagnose spent endless hours on the internet poring through myriads of medical journals until she found the diagnosis and cure herself. You were determined to prove you weren’t crazy, and perhaps save your relationship, or at least, yourself.

What Next?

No matter what the outcome of this discovery, you will only find peace one way, and that way is not easy. The most important thing to do is to allow yourself to experience and name your inner responses as they occur and work with making sense of them over a period of time. staying close to your own needs and feelings and expecting an emotional roller coaster for a while. You need a physical, psychological and possibly a spiritual space in which to do this. This might mean living separately or refraining from physical intimacy for a while. (Read “Sex After the Affair,” for more on this.) It might also mean meeting with a therapist, meditating, journaling, going on a retreat, etc. After your initial outrage, you will naturally have many questions. Most of these will be for your partner, but there is one that is important for you to ask yourself, and that is, “besides the affair, is this a relationship that I, deep down, want?” Do you sense that you want him or her back out of desperation, or a genuine belief that you could have a fulfilling future together? If the relationship that you had before you discovered the affair feels truly worth saving, then there are questions that you will want to be asking your partner. If not, then you have the painful task of facing the reality that the affair was probably what is referred to as an “exit” affair, reflecting a truth for both of you.

If you are someone who has experienced one or more traumatic abandonments in the past that have not been worked through, whether from other partners, parents or siblings, this step is very difficult. Being abandoned again, even by someone you know isn’t right for you, will bring up those past experiences of trauma and make you feel like it is happening all over again. You will experience strong urges to avoid this at all costs. If you find yourself in this position, it is best to seek professional help.

If you have any sense that the relationship might be worth saving and want to start working things out, you will need information. To start to deal with what has happened, you will need to know what happened. Your natural urge will be to want to grill your partner about the affair. This is the first step in working things out for yourself, during which you will continue to decide if you want to work things out with your partner. There is information that you need to know that will help you and there is information you might feel you need to know that will simply be torturous and not assist you in regaining your sense of security. Initially, the most important things to find out are

Is the affair still going on? If not, when did it end? Are they still in touch?

Is your partner willing to end it? Does this seem believable and realistic to you?

How and when did it start?

Is your partner in love with with him/her?

What does the affair mean to your partner?

Was protection used during sex? Have you been expose to STDs?

What means did your partner use to deceive you?

Is the lover someone you know?

Although I list them as simple questions, each one represents discussions that need space to occur over a period of time.. There are other questions you will undoubtedly have, and there are some that will not help you heal, such as:

Questions about explicit sexual details

Repeating questions that your partner cannot or will not answer

The first is obvious. Filling your mind with sexual images of your partner and lover will not help you at all. You will struggle with this without getting explicit details, getting the details will just make it worse.

The second type of question is problematic because you may get an “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” that doesn’t feel authentic and you want to pursue until you get the truth. The deception that you realize you have suffered is so painful, you don’t want another minute of it; you feel deserving of complete honesty now. And you are, it’s just that every time your partner reveals more of what has happened they are giving up more control, and this control is what they have been basing their own sense of security on. You can get caught in a cycle in which your partner feels more and more threatened and therefore less forthcoming if you keep hammering away at questions they can’t readily answer. So give it a rest and come back to it later. On the other hand, if your partner really doesn’t remember or know and you keep asking, they may make up an answer to placate you and end the agony for the moment, and that leaves you being lied to again.

With the information you have gained, you are in a position to reflect on what your course of action should be. It is very important that you find support for this from someone other than your partner. Your partner is in no position to help you in this process beyond answering your questions, because they are experiencing the enormous and sudden loss of control that comes with disclosure and may promise things that they can’t deliver in order to restore this sense. Although you are furious, you might feel compelled to protect your partner from the judgment of friends, family and even clergy. If it is not clear that the affair is over, you might be considering giving your partner an ultimatum. It also might be difficult to reveal the fact that you have been cheated on to those close to you, as if it is a bad reflection on you. It is important to think about who you can trust; who will listen to you without judgment and not assume they know what is best for you. Is there someone who can just help you sort it all out? If not, a therapist could be of help.

As I mentioned earlier, it is important to have a space to do this in. If you feel you need space, but don’t take it because you are afraid this will take away your control over your partner’s comings and goings, you will feel better in the short run, but maybe not in the long run.

Is There Hope?

Many couples heal from affairs and find their relationship is better than ever. New channels of communication can open in unexpected ways, and a new closeness and intimacy can develop. A study by Peggy Vaughn found that when the secret comes out, and the infidel reveals everything and takes responsibility for the behavior, 88% of the marriages were healed. However, when the infidel clams up, blames the affair on the marriage or lover and does not take responsibility or answer questions there is only a 55% success rate. You might be thinking this is easier said then done. Therapy can make a tremendous difference in the ability to process, repair, heal and eventually move on from this most difficult experience.

This is really a fabulous post. Thank you so much for the thoughtfulness that went into explaining all sides, as opposed to simply vilifying the adulterer. My husband left me for his affair partner about seven months ago, and it was incredibly painful. In the past few months I have been forcing myself to examine our marriage prior to the affair, and to approach the thought of him with some humanity. I take no responsibility for his decision to betray my trust. However, considering us as individuals with needs and different emotional resources/tools has allowed me to understand why he chose the path of an affair as an outlet to these problems, instead of confronting them with me by his side. I must admit, it’s really made me miss him, something I didn’t expect. I plan to share these posts with him. I have no idea what kind of relationship will be found in our future, but working through the understanding will allow me to make piece with the marriage, no matter what path it takes.

great post……..i plan to show some of this to my partner. I was deeply hurt by an affair he still has not admitted to because he does not want to hurt me. It’s over now but i can never look at him or feel for him in the same way i once did. I love him deeply but my world came crashing down around me the day i discovered there was another woman. Everytime i asked or have asked if there was/is another woman, he said no, but he kept leaving me for weekends etc every few weeks saying he needed space. This lasted for a year, and i found emails, texts etc. I have never confronted him with ‘the evidence’ and sometimes it eats away at me. All the emotions described above, i have felt. It comforted me to read the post and realise its not just me, and my feelings are normal.

Thanks for the info, a few weeks ago i found out my husband was having an affair. I confronted him and her and they both admitted it and had no choice but to finish it.
I have a 1 year old with this man and am deeply hurt even though i am still with him. Some days i can be nice but others i get really nasty, it doesn’t help he is a long distance lorry driver and is away alot.
I unfortunately don’t have anyone to talk to and would like answers that i know i won’t get. I just hope i can overcome the pain and hurt for my son’s sake.

This is a great post. I just found out recently that my husband had an affair with a friend of mine. She doesn’t know that I know what happened. I am working on forgiving my husband. A close friend thought that I should kick him out, but I know I would be lost without him. I am wondering if I should confront her. I know that her husband doesn’t know and wonder about telling him. This post won’t help with those two issues but, it helps to know that what I’m feeling is normal.

Dear God in heaven, I have just found out that my husband has been having an affair for rhe last six and a half years, I just wish somebody could pick me up and save me (but I know that is not going to happen) I am trying to read about everything, I feel dead. Please tell me it will get better

I’m so sad for every woman and man that this has happened to. I’ve learned that their were fundamental problems with my marriage that led to my husband’s emotional affair and I thank God that he is willing to work on it in therapy with me. It’s still extremely hard to trust him and I’m dealing with jealousy issues that weren’t there before. Even though, I know it’s not my fault for what happened. I know my behavior towards my husband did play a role in his feeling unloved, and devalued which led to his finding comfort and acceptance in a relationship with another women. We are taking it day by day and learning to love, respect and appreciate each other more than ever. I’m hoping this was a blessing in disguise and that we will become closer and happier through it.

Hey Lady’s We are all in the same boat…..I have been in this relationship with this men for 3 years he was married and had 2 kids and his wife killes herself after i was in a relationship with him 5 month…I took the full reponsability after his kids and my own and we moved away from the beautiful place we lived for better life for the kids and not have so much memorries and I have been always there for them as a mom a lover a house keeper anything you can imagine and discover on the 24 dec 08 that he had a long friendship with this women on any contact as he can while i am at work or home to do everything for the family as he took my computer the night befor and frogot to closed what he was doing……………suprise for me as i got the shock of my life that the women he was talking with had send him nude pic and message……i thaught i was going to die and stil not well today….thank god i am normal after reading your post it made me feel the world……

Thank you for all of this helpful information. I have been married for 16 years my husband was my bestfriend, our family, our children were so close. He took on a new job and I noticed him changing. I would visit him at work and I knew his employees very well as I also used to work there. In August my husband admitted that he was having an affair with his 26 year old assistant. My husband is 56 yrs old! I have always taken great care of the way I look I am a runner and feel that i am in good shape, but I am 45 years old…How do I compete?? He has lost everything, his job, his friends, and his wife. He ended the affair and has been trying to get me to move back home. I miss him went I am not with him but when I am with him I cant help but feel hurt and anger towards him. I find myself self medicating with alcohol. I am so tired of feeling this way. My passion for life is gone. I did not get to choose on how my life is forever changed. When will this anger disappear?? I get get the images of them being sexual. I love him very much but I cant even touch him…

I just stumbled across this information and I am so glad I did. I just walked in on my partner of 3 years last night and he was with another woman. I had driven over to his house to tell him how much I love him and that the issues we were having would be worked out and our love would become stronger. To say I am in a state of shock would be an understatement; I am like a zombie and so ashamed to be like this in front of my two sons (who thought the world of him). I would never have believed it possible that he could do this; it has really rocked my world and I have no idea how to cope. I identify with your other reader who just wants some one to pick her up and save her. I know I have nothing to feel ashamed about but I cannot help this overwhelming feeling of total shame that, somehow, I got sucked in to believing he “just needed some space” and was “trying to sort things out in his head and please would I give him time”. The casual betrayal of my total trust is what hurts the most. God help us all.

It is just so upsetting that there are so many people out there that this happens to. Men have always cheated on their women and for years it was excepted. But now women do not put up with it. A lot of women are now cheating on their husbands. I don’t know why being with one partner is just not enough anymore. Is it the stresses of life that forces us to look for some relaxation, some down time with someone who expects nothing more than sex. Everyone out there is capable of cheating, even those that have had it done to them. I just want to know why.

I recently found out my partner was having an affair with a friend. She is in her twenties and he in his forties. For two months he told me they were just friends her and her husband had been going through some issues and they had been individually cming to us for support. She decided she wanted support from my partner and not me and she started to shut me out. My gut told me there was something wrong as her body language was so different around him all girly and colder with me. She then split up with her husband and started having an emotional affair with my partner and I found evidence just after it turned into a physical affair which broke my heart. We are still together but my trust has gone. She emailed me and told me that he didnt love me and I should accept that he loved her and its this that is still in my head he tells me where he is and calls me when he is on his way home etc but her words just stick in my mind and although there is no sign of it continuing I think she is just biding her time.

I cannot believe there are so many of us that are suffering the same emotions and feelings of betrayal and lack of trust. My situation is a little different. I found out that my husband had an affair 17 years ago. I overheard a conversation between them(on his birthday she still called). The conversation concerned sex with her before. He swears that was it and it lasted 7 months and was only physical. that does’t make me feel any better. Even though it happened long ago, it’s like it just happened. I can’t get over it. We are together still but I am questioning our whole relationship and realize we have other issues. I was married before as a kid and my first husband cheated. I now wonder if this a pattern for me in relationships. I think I as loosing my mind because I can forgive but not forget. I relate to those of you who move from depression to anger with him or without. I am stillseeking a way to move on.

Married 34 years. Then he died. Then our adult children (26 to 34) and I found out he had had three (3) adulterous affairs spanning 6 years.

He croaked from a heart attack in one of his concubine’s beds having sex while I was out of town. Sounds like Jerry Springer, huh? Ordinarily, I would have chuckled, but it was ME the joke was on. Yet, he NEVER intimated in our 34 years of marriage that he wanted a divorce. Gave me flowers and chocolate and apologies for being late. He supposedly was a “religious” guy, so I trusted him. Ha. My bad.

But I did want a divorce. I just didn’t say. My fear. He drove me into sadness–unmentionable sadness because he wouldn’t “change.” from cold old to confident new. But an “old lady who is looking for new love” is not going to find it. My fear.

Religious conviction is what he SAID he was about. Lies. Even to God. I can’t even scream at him (although I did in three dreams and I know he heard me).

The affect on his children and their issues of trust have been devastating–even thought they are grown. I will not forgive him or them for what they did to my children. To me? What the hell. But my kids? Oh, hell no.

I wrote his three mistresses all in one letter. Each of them thinking they were the “bee’s knees.” Ha. Found out who they worked for; names of their boards of directors (I’m lethal); threatened them–but couldn’t carry any of it out because of fear of the Creator. Cursed him out at his grave.

Doesn’t make me feel better, but I don’t feel worse. ha. Am going to get over my pity party one day. Just don’t know when.

I found out on Monday my wife was having an affair, I picked up her phone and found a text which made it obvious she was having an intimate relationship with someone else. We have 2 great children one is from a previous relationship of my wife’s, I thought we had everything that anyone could ever want, I love/loved her so very very much. She admitted it all straight away and says it was due to end and had only recently started when I was away on business. I hadn’t felt anything was wrong in our relationship and she also said the same but had had some very complementary attention for a long period of time which when I was away she gave into. I didn’t know what to do and just as the post describes my emotions are bouncing around all over the place, one minute I want to end it all and then want everything to go back to as we were. How I’m feeling now I don’t think I can ever trust her again, I feel completely crushed, scared and very emotional. I’ve not eaten for 5 days and feel sick at the thought of it, what should I do I really don’t know but I really hope the pain goes away very soon!

i am so sorry to hear there are so many of you out theregoing thru what i went thru,if you are anything like me and thought you were the perfect husband /wife, then you,ll also b going thru a confidence crisis! well don,t ! you are good enough for anyone out there , i went thru 18 months of hell disecting everything wondering where i went wrong, & you know what i did,nt she did ,and now i havent been this happy for years, i have my children halve the time i have,nt lost them like i thought i would and i,ve more confidence in myself than i,ve ever had, life goes on and there are enough decent people out there that will treat you with the respect and love you deserve,here,s a few facts that might answer some of those thoughts that are eating at you, 75% of errant spouses described their marriage as pretty or very happy before the affair,(so don,t let them tell you it,s your fault )75%of affairs don,t last longer than 5 years even if they run off with one another, think about it how can they ever trust one another? once a cheat always a cheat ,true kid you not, they normally have lower levels of dopamine,(thats the stuff that makes you feel good) so get there kicks elsewhere, facts courtesy of mens health march issue, and if you,re someone who,s not sure if your spouse is doing the dirty look for changes, if they,ve liked cheshire cheese all their life and all of sudden they like chedder cnances are they,re playing away, they have to do somthing differant to make the time

August last year my partner left me said he wanted to be free travel etc while he was gone i had a one night stand with an old friend my partner asked me back i told him about the other guy he said he could deal with it and we got back together just a few

Months later he said he couldnt get it out of his head left me again and then had a one night stand with my best friend as revenge i have never felt more betrayed and mistreated what was he punishing me for we Wasnt together and what was her motivation ?

My wife of ten years told me a couple of weeks ago that she is having an affair (although she couldn’t actually say the word “affair” and claims she has found someboby else to “talk to”). We have an excellent relationship in a lot of ways. We travel, go to dinner, enjoy each other’s company. She says that she still loves me but doesn’t know if she is “in love” with me. She seems very confused and I am utterly destroyed. She is my best friend and means the world to me. She says she doesn’t know if she wants to try and save our marriage. I am going through the same emotions that everyone here is. I haven’t been eating or sleeping. If it is over, how long will my agony last?

To the man that just posted above…I wish I had some words of encouragement. I don’t. The only thing that I can tell you is that your wife is in “Affairland” right now, and no matter what you say, she isn’t listening. She is going to blame everyone and everything around her, but the real problem is with her. There is something missing and you need to try to find out what that something is. Don’t push her and don’t demand answers right now. Try to create a safe place for her to open up to you and tell you the truth without any outburst or consequences for the things that she says. It’s so hard to do, because you are going to want to defend yourself. You are going to go through all of the horrible emotions that are associated with betrayal. It is not easy and yes, you are devastated. Seek out some support for yourself, and try to gain some positive ground.

There are a lot of great resources out there to help you understand all of this. “Not Just Friends” is a great book to read by Shirley Glass Ph.D. A lot of useful information. Also, “Break Free From The Affair” is another great source of advice and help when trying to understand what kind of affair your wife is having. Look at the Killer Mistakes page on the website…it is very interesting and you are probably making some if not all of the killer mistakes that the betrayed spouse does when they find out about the affair.

The most important thing that you can do at this point in time is to arm yourself with knowledge. The more you know and understand about your wife, the more likely it will be that you can save your marriage regardless of her ambivalence.

My husband of 15 years had an 11 month affair with a woman that works in his building. He came home one day and said he wanted a divorce. I told him ‘no’. He acknowledges that it was the wrong thing to do and he is responsible for his actions. But he also acknowledges that he was trying to get out of an unhappy marriage by making me mad enough that I would make the decision to divorce him.

After numerous false starts, we are back on track because of my not giving up on our marriage,. He has done many of the right things to make me feel better, but there are still innuendos that it is my fault. We are in counseling, but he still doesn’t open up about his thoughts. I’ve told him repeatedly that sharing with me is more important than any act he could perform. He denies that it was physical, but there is so much circumstantial evidence to support otherwise. (i.e. being at her apartment @ 3am on numerous occasions) Whether it was physical or not doesn’t matter to me as much as I feel like he’s still keeping something from me.

Once the affair had gone public, he was very embarrassed. I think that he withholds information from me because admitting to it shames him more. In actuality, his not being able to admit the truth and face his demons, makes me respect him less. Although things are going better, I find that I no longer have the same respect for him and I think of him as cowardly. He goes along with all the interventions, but he never initiates them or is proactive.

Sometimes I find myself looking at him and wondering, is this the man that I fought for? I feel angry that he alone made the decision to have an affair and that I have to live with the consequences and the pain. I often fantasize about leaving him. But my vows mean more to me than giving up during a rough patch. Financially, I can support myself and my children comfortably, so I don’t stay out of dependence. Is this normal for me to resent him and want to stay married at the same time? Do I keep going in hope that these feelings will change?

I can’t answer all of your questions, but the books we’ve been reading and our therapist said that marriage has the most chance to succeed after an affair if the husband (my husband in this case) would be honest and forthcoming about the affair (length of time, amount of physical involvement, gifts shared, commitments made, and so forth). He has told me an awful lot. Many of it was hard to hear. Even now, I still wonder if he’s told me everything, but at some point, I have to decide that more details don’t matter. What matters is that we’re moving forward. One book confirmed so much of what I found out about his affair…it was very childish and immature…the whole relationship. The book described it as the emotional maturity of children, with the hormones of teenagers, and the mobility and independence of adults. This was a perfect description.

Our therapist also advised me not to hide the extent to which I was hurting….not to cover it up with anger. And believe me, I was hurting more than I ever thought possible. I can’t believe I even needed to hear someone say that to me, but it made a difference in the way both of us started responding to each other.

Another book, called Love and Respect (author’s last name is Harley) emphasizes the importance of a wife showing respect to her husband, and says that it’s even more important than showing love, so you might want to check that out too.

I got the author’s last name wrong on the Love and Respect book. It’s Eggerich, not Harley. Harley wrote another good book called His Needs Her Needs. It’s about mutually meeting your spouse’s needs to recover from or prevent affairs.

I just found out my husband of three years is having an affair and has a child with this woman. The child is four months younger than our oldest child. Both girls will be 2 this year. I found out my husband was having an affair with this woman before our marriage and throughout the entire three years. His family and friends all new except for me. Now he says he loves me and wants to fix and or save the marriage. How can I if our marriage, the entire three years of it, has had him living a double life? Any advice?

i realy don’t know because we not staying in a same placa but the he do things he makes me feel like i’m begging him to be together,i realy love himbut i don’t how can i exprese my feelings because we are not at same place,but i do love him very much,my life is incomplete without him, but there he do things he make feel like i’m a stupid, what can i do show him that i realy care about him

My heart goes out to all of us who have been betrayed by a partner. The pain is unbearable, it has rocked my world to the very core. I saw myself as an intelligent woman before, I was confident,trusting and never the jealous type. I can’t handle that everything about me has changed.I feel old, ugly, stupid and so very worthless, I feel weak. He doesnt like me asking questions, can’t understand my NEED to know, without answeres we make it up in our heads!!!! I have never been betrayed before, never felt he would betray me, now I dont trust him, dont know if I ever can again, some days I hate him so much

My husband has been having an affair for at least a year and a half now, maybe more. He will not come out and admit it, but I have all the proof that I need. He continues to say to me that he feels like he is in prison and he just wants his freedom. When I tell him to leave, he refuses, but continues to show me complete lack of respect and complete disregard for me and my feelings. Why is he doing this? If he wants her so badly, why won’t he just leave?

i’m pretty sure my husband has been having an affair for the last three years i just found out only because his ow was mad at him for not coming to see her in jail so she called me and let me know everything. now i am so hurt i cant think straight. i have been hurt before and he knows it so how could he do this to me too. i have been there for through everything in the last 15 years. i dont know if our marriage can survive this. he’s admitted it but he doesnt want to talk about it. i feel like idont have a choice, because if he doesnt want to talk about it then he has already left me. any advice?

I’m in love with a girl she is my current partner, I want to marry her and we have many plans. but something is not right, things I have seen and hear. I have the feeling that she is being unfaithful to me. what you think I can do. I Speak to her and she say, shes being faithful that the guy I’m thinking is only a friend but I see more than that. And I don’t want to leave her because if I’m wrong I’m going to feel really bad, I have no concrete proof, only partial evidence

To #31 above….follow your gut. If something is wrong, look into it. I should have listened to my intuition, but I chose to trust my husband and my friend. I found out the hard way that I was right all along and he was cheating on me.

To commenter #28, I felt the same way you did. I am “fortunate” enough, if you want to call it that, to have a husband who very much wanted to make our marriage work and felt horrible about the pain his affair caused. At first, he told me a bunch of stuff, then kind of shut down, not wanting to fill me in on anymore information. Our counselor said that there’s a higher rate of success in marriages after affairs if the unfaithful spouse shares most information about the affair (things that took place, dates, gifts, where they had sex and how many times, how they communicated, who else knows about it, and even who the person is and where she lives and works). Now I know all of those things, and while it was hard to hear those things at first, it’s like you want and need to make yourself hit rock bottom with it so you can only go up from there. To keep finding out about stuff months later just makes it harder to recover, whereas if you know as much as possible, you don’t have to worry anymore about continually having your heart broken. If your husband loves you and will help you by sharing information and nurturing your through your heartbreak, you can get stronger and feel better about yourself again. If he won’t do it, please find someone else to help you, like a friend or family member and a counselor, because I felt the same way you do (old, ugly, defeated, no self-confidence), and it has taken several months to start feeling better again. At first it’s just a little each day, then gradually more and more.

Four weeks ago I found out that my wife was having an affair with an ex co-worker. We’ve been married 23 years and together 26. Both in our early 50’s. I new for 5 months that something was going on (she lost 30 lbs, changed her hair style, toned up, got a new “work” cell, got new lingerie that I stumbled across by accident, began spending more time at work, ran extended errands, ((heard enough?)) but it took a private investigator to get the proof. Even though I suspected it I have never felt so ripped apart in my life. She says (and the PI thinks its true due to the behaviors they exhibited) 1. They were seeing each other for about a month 2. that they had only made out a few times and never had sex 3. she could talk to him and he made her laugh 4. it started out by him offering to teach her how to golf (she never mentioned wanting to play golf to me)
She now says our relationship was over for the past 8 years. She never told me!!!, but I know we both got lazy. She always “put the kids first” (ex. we only spent two nights away from the home w/o the kids in 20 years). We have started seeing a counselor, my wife has said she doesn’t want to continue with him but doesn’t know what she wants beyond that. She’s not guaranteeing me anything. I’ve decided she’s going through a mid-life crisis and there’s not much I can do to help her decide. She’s in a very self-centered frame of mind, still wanting to blame “us” for her behaviors not herself.

I just found out about 2 wks ago that my husband was having an affair on me. We have been together 14 yrs, married 8 1/2 and have 3 children together. I was shocked, even though he was acting a bit strange. I just didn’t imagine it would be that. After the reality set in, and he told me he felt like he loved her but didn’t know what to do, I realized a lot. I do not blame myself, but I did realize all the areas I have failed to be a Godly wife. I, so many times, have disrespected him, made him feel unwanted, left him out, etc. I spoke to him very badly and there was no partnership. He told me is started off as an emotional affair and I realized she was filling a void that I had failed in. Through all this, I have just decided to focus on the areas I need to work on, with or without him. If I am gonna fail, I am gonna fail on the side of love. I couldn’t for sure say that before. He has said he wants to work this out and our family to remain together. I just take it a day at a time and leave it to God. I totally have faith and believe in restoration. I believe God has a plan for me and my children either way! But, this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

I suspected for a while. I told my husband about my suspicions of course he denied everything. Well he finally came clean. I never thought I would experience such heart wrenching pain from someone I Loved,adored and trusted. Not to mention that the other woman is a family friend and business partner. I’d love to confront her and tell her husband. But really what would be the point. My husband says he is truly sorry. He wants to do anything to save our relationship. My emotions are out of control. Thanks for the post at least I know I’m not going crazy, even if I do have a lot of crazy thoughts

From my personal researh on affairs here are some of the facts that I have found which may be helpful for many people:

1. Affairs are an escape from the realities of the world.
2. Affairs are not a rejection of the spouse but rather a rejection from the roles and the restrictions that the real world makes him to be.
3. People who have affairs live in a fantasy or unrealistic world for several reasons:
a. The person who is having the affair does not truly show his whole true self he only shows the best of him. During his affair he plays a new role and that new role is not the TRUE reflection of what that person truly is in the realistic world.
b. People who have affairs tend to IDEALIZE the affair partner. An affair is a phase I relationship and in a phase I relationship IDEALIZATION of the affair partner is a basic characteristic. I recommend that research should be done on the characteristcs of a phase I relationship, it a relationship based on ROMANCE and romance is in many ways a fantasy.
c. Affairs are when two people decide to meet each other in secret and spend a moment with each other and they give their 100% undivided attention but they are living this moment where they are not confronting the social and personal obstacles and distractions of the real world.
d. Affairs are secret.
e, Relationship expectations in an affair are unrealistic.
4. Affairs have a lot to do with character.
5. An affair is more a reflection of self-expression.
6. Affairs are a self-choice decision, it was not pushed by others or anything outside of himself.
7. It is a fact by reliable surveys and professional research that the marital spouse who contibutes more to the marriage does not have affairs. However, the marital spouse who has not contributed as much to the marriage has affairs. Therefore, the marital partner who has not contributed more to the marriage is the one who has to contibute more to the marriage. This confirms the fact that the infidel´s spouse is not the cause for that affair. In other words, the infidel cannot justify his actions and responsabilities blaming his spouse in taking the path of having an affir. Equity in a marital relationship is a reason for a person to decide to take the path of having or looking for an affair.
8. It is a conventional concept that in order for a person to feel complete about himself that his or her marital partner is the only one who should and can fullfill his partner´s completeness, however, no one or anything can do that for you. Only you yourself can do it. However, what your spouse can do is to share or contribute in the marital relationship his or hers sense of completeness. The feeling of completeness is happiness. Therefore, persons who have affairs feel an emptiness of completeness and are not contributing their completeness in their marital relationship.
9. There are many reasons why a person has decided to follow the path of having a affair it may be because of social, personal, relationship, biologic or cultural and may other reasons. Each affair should be handled individually.
10. Affairs occur even in good marriages and more and more persons in good marriages are having affairs.
11. The stats on infidelity are the following: ( Accurate statistics are very difficult to achieve because of the fact that an affair is considered by many a secret, however, a calculation can be made of it):
a. 80% of the people who have affairs and have ended their marriage regret having the affair.
b. 75% of the people who end their marriage and end up marrying their affair partner end up in divorce.
c. There is not even 1 out of 100 of a possibility that the relationship that began under infidelity will make it and even if your marital partner decides leaving your family or spouse the affair relationship will only have a 25% chance that it will succeed due to the fact that a relationship that has evolved from infidelity has no foundations.
12. Even though the person who is having the affair does not know it at the time the truth is that what really attracts him about that affair is not the affair partner but rather the “type” or “kind” of relationship he is living, (an affair represents excitement and novelty), and more importantly what really attracts him is the person who he became in that affair. He is different in an affair. He plays a different role. In therapy the therapist helps the person to realize that this is really the truth, the attractiveness and the meaning of his affair and will help him to learn what was it about him that he liked so much while he was in the affair and helps him to contribute these things about himself into his marital relationship.(It is sad to say but one of the reasons why a hig percentage of affairs who end up in marriage fail is due to the truth of the matter that the true attractiveness of an affair is NOT the affair partner and eventually throughout time both partners will come to the truth of this.)
13. If a person who had the affair does not face the reasons which motivated him to have an affair the chances that his second marriage or relationship will fail are very high because there has not been a learning and personal evolving experience. ( 50% of first marriages end up in divorce, 60% of second marriages end up in divorce.)
14. No one is imune from having an affair. Everyone is vulnerable. It is important to know the danger signs and its boundaries.

I hope this general information will be helpful, and again, I truly recommend that the best way to begin this situation is to not make immediate decisions especially when high emotional feelings are still there. The best thing to do is to take your time to educate yourself, learn, and inform yourself by reading and reseraching on the topic. Both partners should get help.

To the author of #37 Thank You I am the dreaded “other woman” sitting at home alone on Saturday night after waiting for the promised phone call today. I have been struggling with this relaitonship for a while, and have tried to break it off for a month or so. He tells me no, that he loves our time together…and so on..I love him, but after reading #37, the reality hits fairly hard. You have helped me to make my decision and stick to it this time. I can no longer be party to the kind of pain that this relationship will inflict on his wife.

I’ve just discovered that my partner of 5 years (and the mother of my child) has made a hotel reservation for herself and another man for this Friday night. She told me she was going out to Liverpool on a works night out but I’ve had a nagging doubt about this for weeks as she’s been texting constantly and suddenly she’s put a PIN lock on her phone and she’s been more fractious with me and the top hat on it was when I hacked into her emails (I shouldn’t have done but I was at my wits’ end) and there it was: a reservation for a hotel room for Friday night for her and some other bloke. I feel physically sick. I’ve asked her about these things and she has promised me there’s nothing going on. What the hell do I do?

#38 You KNOW what we all think of you! Are we supposed to feel sorry for you? Get your own man there are plenty of them! You are doing yourself no favours putting “the other woman” face in amongst those who have been sorely betrayed by those we’ve loved and given ourselves to, and supposedly themselves to us. It all boils down to lust and the lack of self control and complete disregard for the feelings of other people involved. You’re just a sad excuse for a human being, now PISS OFF!

about a month ago, i found out my wife of 22 years has been having an affair with my daughters recuiter. he befriended the family and myself. we would work together, visit him and his wife and he was really close to my daughter as her recruiter. a year after my daughter disclosed to me that this man had used his rank to have sex with her. when I told my wife this she didnt believe me( now I know why) my wife and I thought that we should move to another state to help our teenage son. My son and I moved first and my wife stayed behind to sell the house and save up money at her job. after 7 months of being apart she finally moved to our new home. within 2 months said she wanted to move back to our home town, that she could get her old job back, be near her family ect. during the time we were apart, she had fallen in love with this married man and that was the reason to move back. after thousands of dollars to move back, I took a job working for this man (he retired from the service and started a landscaping business). we continued to visit him and his wife, ride motorcycles and couples. my daughter bcame VERY distant to me and I took a different job which required me to be away all week. on valentines day she called me to tell me she wanted a divorce. I went into panic mode and quit a high paying, stable job to be home. she was very distant to me, even mean. my daughter seeing my pain avoided me, my son was very angry at his mother. I one day took half a day off my new job to visit her and she wasnt at work. her car was there so I called her, she said she took half a day off to go read in the park, I could here she was in a car. i went down town and low and behold, i passed them in his truck. I called and asked if she was with joe, she said no. I called him to see what he was doing and he told me billing then going to see his sick wife at the hospital. I called her back and said I heard she was with him. she got very fustrated and headed back to work. I pulled right next to her when she got out of the truck. he called me the next day to tell me they were just friends, he was talking to her about his wife, he had just found out his wife had been given 6 months to live and was upset. I believed him because I know that she was very ill. when I asked my wife about his wifes diagnosis, she looked at me like I had 2 heads. my daughter then told her mother that joe did sleep with her and about 14 other girls he recruited. my wife confronted him with it and he did admit it. even after that, she still blames me for her affair, tells me she is “in love” with him, his wife found out and she blamed me for that(i wanted to tell her but felt worse for his wife because of her illness)and I have been on this roller coaster for months. am I a fool that I still have great love for her, our anniversary is today and I still have an urge to give her a teddybear like I have for the past 22 years. I dont know if I should seek help, just ride it out, keep trying to get her back. I am so so confused, angry, sad, tired all the time and hurt. I have forgiven her for this, truly. I could never forgive him for what he did to the 2 woman I love, my wife and my daughter. I did find out this all started over a 500.00 bet between 2 recruiters – who could get in the pants of 1 of them first,double or nothing for both. my wife still doesn’t believe that even after I told her the names of the people who told me about the bet (6 other recruiters in that office). I miss her terrible, my family is broken and divided and I feel so lost. any one have suggestions or input??? could really use it at this time

This post has truly represented my every feeling. My husband and I just got married in July 09 after a “off again, on again ” 7 yr relationship. I truly thought that God had answered my prayers and blessed me with the man I’ve always loved. He has 2 children from a previous relationship and I have 1 child from a previous relationship. Our family of 5 was right out of a movie! However, for the entire year he was frustrated about our wedding plans, didn’t take part and treated me like the plague. Our wedding day was beautiful, but there was something missing. 5 days shy of our 2nd month of marriage, I received an email on facebook from someone that I went to high school with, informing me that she’s been sleeping with my husband for 3 months. When she approached him about being married, he denied it! She sent hiim the picture and he responded ” the marriage isn’t important”. Needless to say, I went absolutely crazy and kicked him out of the house that night. I’ve experienced every emotion described in dealing with grief. I feel lost, alone and really just want to sleep all the time. How could he do this to me? I think I want him back out of desperation, because I’m 35yrs old and waited all of this time to marry the man of my dreams. But I also still love him and I feel like a fool. I feel as though my family is feeling sorry for me and are disappointed in me. I truly feel like a failure. What do I do? What are my next steps? Somebody help me.

I have just found out that my husband has been having an affair for the last 3 years. This is not the first time it has happened.I know I should leave him but I still love him. We have been married for 21 years and to my knowledge he has had 2+ affairs. He has also been texting 2 other women at the same time as this 3 year affair was going on. He has told me that he loves me and he does not know why he does it, he does not want to leave and does not want me to leave. I feel so stupid,hurt,betrayed and a first class idiot for staying. Why can I not just leave? Totally lost and confused.

I’ve just found out my wife is having an affair. The hardest thing to deal with is all the lies. She’s still denying shes even met him and that it’s flirty texts, but from the texts etc I’ve found I know it’s not. She’s also still continuing it and thinks I don’t know. I look at her and think who are you? I don’t know her, the person I married wouldn’t do this. I can’t see any future in the relationship and want the split to be as easy as is possible. I will always love her, but feel this will never be reurned.

I just found out that my husband is having an affair with an old friend. I am ready to confront him. I need to know what to say to him if he comes back with excuses. I take this seriously and I am afraid he is going to laugh and say it is nothing. I know better.

My wife left me last year on june the 18th 2008. she was on drugs heavy for a while but she continued to see me while she lived at her mother’s house. we have been married for 18 years. we have three kids 19,17,16. she left for really no reason but to find herself and get off of pills. Then in febuary of 2009 she came home after her and her mother had a dispute. She was clean and was the most beautiful person i knew. It was like living 10 years ago with her. She found a new job and met a guy and started an afair in june. I confonted her and she moved out with him but still was seeing me.Then she came home and said she wanted to work things out i told her that i forgave her and pretented nothing had happened once we had talked about the details. Three weeks later i found out she was seeing another man. On oct 1 2009 she moved out with him he is much older and has a little money.Currently i have no job and things are tight. But she still comes and sees me and says she is confused sbout her feelings. one week she loves me and calls daily and the next week she acts like it bothers her that i call her. i love her so much and have seen the person she can be. I miss that person so much but i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to let her go but she is killing me inside. I can forgive her if she would stop and try to change. She has told me she likes it where she is right now but she says that might change.I’m afraid if i get out of her life she will move on.I don’t want to be a door mat either or waste anymore time if she does not come back. She want give me any direct answer on how she feels it always changes.She is my everything we have been through so much i can’t let go. I have never turned my back on her in 18 yrs she has lost jobs, been arrested, had 4 affairs moved out 5 times but i kind of feel sorry for her. I thought the pills made her act this way but she has not been high for about 3 months. No i don’t do drugs or have ever. I would feel guilty for turning my back on her but i don’t know how much more i can take.My kids have accepted their mother behavoir a long time ago but i just want her to do the right thing and she can rebuild her relationships over time. i guess my question is should i hang in there or let go? I have all but died as a person and die more everyday but i feel like i have so much invested in this marraige and have went through so much that if i quit now the past will be for nothing. signed lost soul

Why am I holding on? My husband has been having an affair for the last 3 years. I have confronted him and her over and over again with no change. I am met everytime that I find a hidden cell phone, or unexplained activities on credit cards, etc., with, “You are crazy and just imagining it all! We are just friends.” Just friends….that famous saying that the offending spouse seems to love to throw out there, that never has the ring of truth to it.

Over the course of the last 3 years, we have lost everything. He ran the business into the ground, he devastated us financially and now we are dealing with a horrible, near fatal accident that our daughter was involved in. During all of this, he has accepted zero responsibility for anything. Everything is my fault and he treats both me and our daughter like we don’t matter to him. Most of you that are involved in affairs have said, “Well, you need to address the issues of the marriage, or you need to get a life,” or some other flippant answer. My question to all of you is…”why won’t he leave and let me and my daughter live our lives in peace?” Why won’t he go be with her? If he wants her so badly, why won’t he just go? Why does he continue to treat us badly? Is this some kind of control thing? Do people involved in affairs feel good about themselves when they hurt their families? Why does he want me and my daughter to leave the home that she grew up in so that he can be free? It makes absolutely no sense to me. I have no where to go. I trusted him with the finances of the family because we both worked in the business together, and now everything is gone. I have no way out. Was it his intention to put me in this situation so that he could have his cake and eat it too? Could this be a product of narcissistic personality disorder? Does he really not see what he is doing to the people around him?

Gee #40, wish everyone was perfect like you. You can’t pin all the blame on the other woman/man. I mean, it might make you feel good to do so, but it is misplaced. The person having the affair is to blame as well. Additionally, and more unpopular, the spouse of the person having the affair shares some blame as well. Affairs don’t happen in a vaccuum; something was missing from the primary relationship. As often happens the spouse is distant or unavailable; as a result the conditions are ripe for an affair. People need an emotional and physical connection with someone else, spouse or otherwise.

Gee #48 There is blame with everyone. Does that still make it right to have an affair? There are conditions ripe for murder, abuse, theft, fraud, etc…If these poor men & women need a CONNECTION maybe they should fix it with their spouse! Adultery is wrong under ANY circumstance. It destroys lives, families, children, businesses, & the list goes on. Can’t believe how you cheaters try to justify the flaws in your character. Grow some morals!

My husband of 23 years has just admitted he has had an affair with his early college fiancee. I found this out in late July. They met up at a class reunion (I was out of town on business), and they started hot and heavy. He found other reasons for me to be out of town, and he acted like the “concerned husband” about me spending time out of town for me. Little did I know they were going all over the Metroplex flaunting their relationship.

I discovered it through cell phone bills. I confronted him, and he denied them having a sexual relationship. They “were trying to figure things out.” Within 10 days, he came home started coming clean, and going to counseling with me.

Forward about 40 days, I suspect they are emailing after I see an email on his phone from a person with his affair partner’s name. I am told I am being suspicious and no way.

i am even told to check his emails if I don’t believe him. Yesterday, I did. I found 3 of them. I found out he wants to be with her – even though he has wasted my time and my marriage counselor’s time with his “I want to make this work.” I listened to what he said he was wanting from me, and I was starting to try to communicate in those ways. I am just devasted

I am physically ill. We had to tell our daughter last night that her dad and I are having some problems and that he’s moving to a different place to live.

I am numb. My cheeks are chapped from crying. My marriage is over. I am so sad. I still love my husband, but he has killed any trust in our marriage.

I now want to destroy the affair partner’s life because her husband is a Dallas cop. I am aware he knows nothing. Suggestions?

#50….Oh God I understand how you feel. Don’t do anything rash right now. If you go after her life, it will come back to haunt you. You may feel better in the here and now, but later on, there may be consequences. When I found out about my H’s affair, it devastated me. I wanted her children and family to all know what was going on, but I waited. She has now lost her business, all of her family and friends, she has filed bankruptcy and is just about to lose her house too. She tried really hard to take my husband, my life, and my home…what she got in return was karma. It may take a while, but she will get what’s coming to her. Don’t stoop to her level…just try your best to get on with things. Go out and enjoy yourself with your children, family and friends. My H has lost everything too…including the respect of our community. Affairs are destructive behavior…I don’t care what anyone says or how they try to justify their actions. Take care of yourself, and the rest will eventually fall into place.

Two years ago I found out my wife of 32 years was having an affair. We decided to try to make our marraige work. She said she would no longer have any contact with him. Over the past year and a half they continued seeing each other. On a few occasions she received calls from him while we were together. During the affair they contacted each other 5-10 times a day via cell phone records and for hours at a time instant messaging. At least now it has reduced to no IM and a few calls a week.

For that year and a half I continually tried to explain to her how hurtful it was to me to know that they were still in contact. My wife is a massage therapist and continues to give him massages. While the cell phone calls terminated I am aware that
they now contact each other via her office phone.

While I do not believe a physical relationship is taking place any longer it still tears me up to know they are still in contact.

Any suggestions on how I can get her to realize this.

Six months ago I confronted her affair partner and he said I would not hear from him again.

well we are all in the same boat. My husband cheated on me in 2008,the affair started in i think 2006,now we have been married 9 and a half yrs, at that time it was about 7 years, i know how exactly it feels. it is so painful and it really hurts. no words can explain that feeling, i am still with my husband as our son was about 4 yrs old than, first he denied everything, i found all this from his mobile phone bill and also he betrayed me b4 by mailing and txting someone dirty txts. i dont know what i am still doing with him, in this episode i even spoke to that bitch, she was apparently from some other town, they ussed to meet in london, we were ok last year, because my mother in law is interfering non stop, and my hubby says he loves me and our son but cant say anything to his mum.

i just feel so betrayed by life, i dont know if i can trust anyone in life again. i’m over that painful phase, but still even now it really hurts when he doesnt show any emotions towards me, i feel he can be a good husband but coz of his mum’s constant interference this relationship is not going to work in future. i have tried everythingh about this mother in law issue, but its creating more and more problems between me and my hubby..i feel if i say too much to my hubby about his mum then he will have another affair somewhere again,may be at his work, i can understand my insecurity, but i really dont know what to do. is this relationship worth giving time, he says he loves us, but why his mum comes first and not me and my son, i haven’t got ego problem and i do know how to respect parents . just dont know what the destiny is……

I always, always thought love was black and white – if he truly, truly loved you he would never ever do anything to hurt you.

What I was blinded to was that situations can change, more often beyond our control. Human beings are creatures of a constant state of flux – we are not a log of wood that is always a log of wood, or a lump of rock that is always a lump of rock. We are changing creatures that are heavily influced, seduced and tempted by EVERYTHING and EVERY situation around us. Some of us are stronger than others – unfortuantely, my fiance of 8 years was weaker than me. He became a man I never thought I would be in a relationship with – someone who snuck around behind my back for years, lying and cheating and having occasional sex. The only redeeming factor I have is that none of his texts to the main women were ever sexual in the slightest. But, looking back, there were weaknesses in our relationship. I was just too naive to think he could stay faithful.

In the end, it’s the people who love us for who we are, our (true) friends, and our family members, who we should live for. And ourselves, of course. Love is what eventually everyone tends to look and love for;e but if you are not happy, if yo uknow you can never be happy with that person, if happiness comes with being around others, being on your own ultimately, and living for other people, then be on your own. However, ALLOW SOME TIME. Give your partner some time to prove themselves, and give YOURSELF time to figure out what you intrinsically feel is right. If they prove, after about half a year, that they don’t care enough to do EVERYTHING IT TAKES to prove to you they are truely sorry, leave. Even if that path is the harder one financially, leave.

At the end of your days, do you really want to look back on your life and realise you lived it in unhappiness? Do you really want to realise you had no respect for yourself, nor the courage after a time to live under your own power and love? Have faith – no matter what you decide, yo ujust have to belive it is absolutely the right decision you could have made, were you to look back on your life.

Just read all the posts on here. It seems like A LOT of people are holding onto the past and hoping their spouse will change their ways.

So many of these posts need the reply: Move on, get a divorce, or at least a separation. Get therapy for yourself and realize that maybe your marriage is not worth saving. Geez #52, our wife is a massage therapist, that job alone is difficult for some partners to deal with, requires the utmost professionalism. If she is still giving him massages, that is physical contact! Ever heard of happy endings?

Anybody who does not come fully clean when the affair is exposed more than likely never will. Do you want to have a marriage still based on lies? How can you trust anybody who lied and screwed around, then when confronted with facts still lies? People, wake up, get out of these messed up marriages. Break from from the skanky spouse.

For those of you in affairs and reading this to learn about your anguish and trust issues in your affair partner, know this, it will only deepen and get worse. You may be lucky and end up in a nice relationship eventually, but the odds are stacked so highly against you that taking a break from the affair is the best thing you could do for yourselves. You can also try again later, but stop now. Evaluate yourself, be honest about your affair partner and what the motivation for the affair was/is.

Seek some help, even if confidentially at first. Maybe your marriage is doomed. Figure it out, be honest with yourself, then your spouse, then your affair partner. Decide what is best for your happiness. A miserable marriage is not worth fighting for. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you should go back, or beg your cheating spouse to! Get some self-esteem, stop begging the cheating spouse to return without serious work!

I have been married for 17 years. Five years ago, I found out my then 38 year-old husband was having an affair with his 22 year old secretary. It killed me; it felt like a knife through my heart. I had what I considered the perfect marriage and the perfect husband. It was truly a shock. He swore that he ended it and that he wanted to work on our marriage. We went to counselling but the affair continued for another 7 months, when I finally filed for divorce. I guess that was a wake up call for him because he broke off the affair and focussed on our marriage.

We did counselling, went to work-shops, and read books; we analyzed every aspect of our marriage and truly felt we had a handle on why the affair happened. I also examined how I might have contributed to the situation and consentrated on being the best partner I knew how. The next five years, were great. I felt that the marriage was stronger and better than ever (a lot due to what we both learned about ourselves from the affair).

But four years later, it happened again. Another co-worker. This time the pain was not as deep. He once again wants our marraige to work and is very sorry. He swears it will not happen again. I love my husband but I love me more. I realized that this is not a marriage problem but a problem with my husband. He has some insecurities and self esteem issues that only he can fix. It has been a rude awakening but I am at peace. Our divorce is almost final and I am moving on with my life. My favorite saying is by Dr.Seuss,” Don’t cry because it’s over but smile because it happened.”

My main focus now is to help my three kids get through this. Although the older two know about their father’s affairs, they blame me for the divorce because “daddy is sorry and won’t do it again”. It is struggle.

OMG! I knew my husband had an affair a year ago. He supposedly ended it and things have been absolutely great. This morning |I discovered that it never ended. I am physiccally sick and scared. Have no clue as to what my next step will be. I earn good money yet he has kept my money from me for over ayear. I thought we were just poor. God how could I be so stupid??

Wow. Its both saddening and a relief to hear I am not alone and so many of these read as though they came from the same script in terms of what was done, how it was done, and what the cheating spouse said.

Read the book Betrayal of Intimacy if you’d like to understand an affair better. It gets less into the why it happened and pretty accurately discusses the architecture of an emotional affair– in my case down to the actual things my cheating wife said.

My ex–yes when I suspected things weren’t right I came to her and sat down and asked her what was wrong and what was wrong with us. I am pretty sure she wouldn’t have said anything or done anything had I not.

I am sad that it ended the way it did and I will confess I moved very quickly–I went from finding out for sure about the affair to divorced in 20 days. I was hurt beyond belief, sad, numb, in shock, and angry with her but I offered her the chance to delay the divorce for 30 days on the condition that she cease all contact with the guy. She chose not to. We have 3 kids and the two older ones know what their mother did and with whom–he was a family acquaintance and was married at the time too. After I busted them he confessed to his wife and their divorce moved at pretty much the same pace as mine. My ex and her affair partner are still together trying to combine my kids with his for a great big happy family only my 2 oldest want no part of it or him. I am pretty sure my ex does not know this or that they came to me and ask me “Dad what happened between you and mom?”

I don’t think we had a happy marriage nor was it an unhappy marriage. It was a marriage that endured the stresses of 3 kids, building businesses, and life. I always used the analogy that we were together in a tank and crossing a battlefield. Our marriage was constantly under siege but I had every confidence we’d come through the other side together. I was wrong.

Now 15 months later life is so much better. I am at the point that I am seeing where there are better fitting people for me out there than my ex. I am happy with myself and have spent time looking back at myself and what I did wrong in my marriage. I did plenty wrong but so did she. I just chose not to fix it through an affair–I talked to her. By her admission she didn’t talk to me because “I never listened to her so she didn’t bother telling me she was unhappy for 10 years.”

Moral of the story is that like everyone tells you–it will get better. Someday you will meet someone that will bring to you overwhelming happiness and joy like you have never known before. You’ll be a better person when that happens through the scars of your injuries. You will survive and if you choose to you will thrive. Do your best.

I just got caught and was confronted by my spouse of me cheating I admited to everything and excepted that I was wrong. I had an affair for 5 months and I regret it everyday I lost my family my spouse of 4 years and my daughter on 2 years, I hope one day my spouse forgives me and gives me a chance. I am attending counseling and anger management to better myself.

HELP ive just found out my partner of 3 years is having an affair with a girl 13 years younger than me, which under normal circumstances i guess i could handle it but im seven months pregnant with my partners 1st child.I never intended to have any more children as my son is now 14 and i was focusing on my career, but my partner is seven years younger than me and begged me to have his child.He promised me the world and asked me to marry him so i agreed to have his baby to complete our love for each other.He then goes and does this to me and im broken, i havnt slept for days and days and cant eat properly im so scared for the well being of my unborn child but i cant help it, everytime i close my eyes everything starts to whizz round in my head and every time i put food to my face i start wretching..Will i be able to survive this hurt and pain im feeling and how long will it last for because i am sooooooo scared, its so unfair and i really dont know why he done it.Ive asked him why but he wont talk to me he tells me he loves me but i know he loves her more.Can someone please tell me what i should do next?

Same old story… apparently happy family, married for ten years, two wonderful kids, great social and extended family network… and my husband has been having an affair for about a year. I am crushed and don’t know what I’ll do. I’m just floating around outside myself watching my life keep on going. Hopefully, I’ll come down to earth one of these days and be able to think clearly. I’m trying to just keep things as normal as possible for my kids’ sake until I can figure out what steps to take. I found this website/blog helpful and just wanted to share my story.

I have been an unfaithful husband. I feel ashamed and dishonest. I have been married for 13 years. My wife is my best friend. I am not sure what I am supposed to do now. I cant stand to look at her and see the pain in her eyes. She is an amazing person and I really hope that we can work things out. I am not sure where to go from here. We are talking about counseling. I don’t believe that our relationship can survive. I want to tell her everything but I don’t remember. I just want to erase what I’ve done but I can’t. If I only knew how this felt it would not have happened. The worst part is that I truly love my wife and don’t know why I did what I did.

64 I am guessing that you did what you did because you never thought you would be caught. You did an unconscious risk/return analysis in your head and the risk of getting caught was minuscule versus the perceived reward which as you found out was pretty fleeting. Now, the equation is much different–the actual reward of the affair in minor compared to the cost that followed the risk. The equation changed on you.

Think of it as buying a stock in a company that you KNOW is going to pay off and make you wealthy. You are getting insider information and you sink your life’s savings into it. Everything you have is riding on this. Now the unthinkable happens–its not a sure thing, in fact its a bad thing and the company goes under. You lost your life’s savings and everything you worked for. That’s where you are.

#62 You’re stronger than you think – having raised a 14 year old and having a career – don’t devalued yourself. As a parent, you’ve already experienced what unconditional love is, but you can’t control other peoples action and feeling. You can only take care of your own needs and those of your children. You’re what matters now.

By all means, try to salvage your marriage/relationship first.

I keep reading: “S/he hurt me! I don’t trust her/him! yet the next sentence: but I still love this horrible person!” What’s up with that? Why not cut your loses? So you put in years loving them, so what? Let the other person deal with this loser. Women especially, should love themselves more, spend the energy to become stronger and smarter. Live life without too much regrets. Let your family and friends help you. Don’t give up.

“Can’t live without him or her?”…seriously, being lonely is way better than being hurt; lot’s of people moved on. Give your love to someone who is truly worthy. Life is too precious. Please take care.

I too just joined the club of a cheating husband. 28 years of marriage and never did i ever think he would have an affair. He keeps telling me he made a mistake, wrong, he made a choice. He knew exactly what he was doing. It was a 1 year long choice. This affair was discovered just a few days ago. I am looking into help for us, but i don’t know how this road will end. How will i ever be able to have a sexual relationship again with him ? No one here has addressed that yet, and am wondering how does one stop seeing them holding, hugging, kissing,and have sex together and move on together? How does one unconditionally ever love that person again?Or don’t we???

To #67 above in answer to a host of your questions: The simple answer is that I could not stop seeing them together in my mind, hugging, holding etc…So, because I know me and I knew I couldn’t I followed my attorney’s advice and moved quickly and got a divorce. This may not be right for you but it was for me–I will caution you that its taken me a year and a half since the divorce to start really believing my decision was the right decision but believe me when I say it–I feel good these days. Let your ex be someone else’s problem–examine yourself and keep the good parts and ditch the others and move on.

I was married for 7 years and caught my husband at a hotel with one of his co-workers. I wanted to work it out and he said “no”. We divorced and he married his co-worker. That was 13 years ago. I waited and God sent along the man of my dreams, we have been married for almost 10 years. We have a marriage that has been blessed by God, it has not been perfect, but we love and respect one another and we are doing well. My ex, well not so much. They have separated numerous times, she threatens to kill him weekly, she refuses to allow him to have a relationship with our son, and all I can say is “what goes around comes around”. I never wished him ill-will, but I cannot say that I am sorry he is “suffering”. This is the life he chose, may he cherish every moment of that bad decision.

I just discovered that my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with multiple women (at the same time) since day 1 (well, month 2) as far as my digging has brought up. We know each other since 9 years so maybe it is an older problem. What got my attention is immaterial here as is how I discovered what was going on behind my back for all these years (I am the bread winner so I am gone all day and focussing on…well…work and [paying the bills). So anyway. It was like being hit by a bus. And then, to my surprise, I realized that I had lost instantaneously all my love for this man. It is like someone has turned off the light switch. Pfft. He grosses me out, the idea of him touching me is repulsive, I cannot stand his scent. I was in love with my husband, even after 7 years, just like when we were dating. He knew I loved him deeply (that he cared is another issue). Not any more. I never thought I would feel like this. I have not confronted him with my discovery and I do not think I will until I am prepared and have all my ducks in a row (or at all since I have no intention of 1) saving a marriage based on lies and 2) humiliate myself once more while he bullshits his way out of the situation with whatever reason he is going to invent). In the span of a week I have become a cold calculating machine, I want my share of the house (I have put ALL the capital in it, I will not leave it to any of these women). So I cannot take rash decisions. When I am ready, I will kick him out and divorce. It is not like he is on the street anyway, he has a choice of 3 addresses at the moment (as far as I know) – the problem is that he will have to choose between Australia, Germany, and Italy. Hopefully one of these ladies will pay for the airline ticket. Then there is always his mother. Two of these OW do not know I am still the wife and living in the same house. He told one that I had abandonned the family and left him with the children to pursue my career, to the other that we had divorced 1 year into the marriage because of the kids, and to the third one (the ex-girlfriend…) that I know he loves her more than me and that I accept the situation. Of course since she declined when he proposed, she gets the best of both worlds : she gets him without the commitment. Anyway (again). All the lies that he told about me are very hurtful but I have to say that reading through pages and pages of emails has been very therapeutic and has prevented me from falling into the trap of delusion thinking that after all he his a good man, a good father, that he loves me, that I am the wife, bla bla bla. He is not a good man, he is not a good husband, he is not a good father, that I am his wife does not mean anything and obviously for him the vows we took 7 years ago were just…a suggestion. I realize I may have been in a marriage of convenience (I had work, he did not, and none of these OW work and according to the emails they all are waiting for him to become rich and save them – if they only knew). So I am now just waiting for the correct time to come. I am taking care of myself, being hit by a bus jump started the weight loss and I go walk every morning to meditate. I just never imagined that I could fall out of love so quickly. He does not know it yet, but he has just lost me. I cannot wait for the day when I will wish him well with these other women and send him on his way. I deserve much more than what he will ever be able to offer.

I just found out 24 hours ago that my wife of 4 years and who i have been with for nine year had a affiar with a man. It went on for a little over three months and supposidly they only slept with each other three times. The worst thing for me is that she brought him to my house and tryed to make us buddy buddy like. Not only that but he was engaged to another girl who my wife was really good freinds with. Which is how she meet him. The engament relationship was a open one meaning that they could sleep with others and it was ok. Come to find out that my wife freind was there when the had the affiar. And to make matters worse when he feel “in love” with my wife they ended there engament and he would talk to me about it. Telling me that they ended there engament b/c he feel in love with a married women and he intended on stealing her away from her husband. Mean while the whole time he was talking about me and my wife and the three of them where in the same room with me. I feel so stupid for not knowing they were talking about me.

I want to run and hide but at the same time i want to make the marriage work. I have no idea what to do. She tells me that she wants to make the marriage work as well and that she has cut all communication with the person but she still works with her friend. (who blames her for the split of there engament) I dont know if i should make her quit her job and get a diffrent job so he cant find her or if i should send her away b/c we are still living in our house together. Luckly we have no kids so i dont need to worry about that. I just need guidence and i just need to.vent which is why i am posting to this page. More for venting. I am all over the place mentally right now which is why this post is everywhere. I dont even now how to end what i am saying so i am just going to stop. Any advice would be great.

Yep, I got screwed around too. Never! In a million years thought he would do that me let alone when I just had his baby. I asked him to end he refused and the other women was putting up with all his crap and I wasn’t so she won in his mind. They are still with each other two years later but he looks miserable. I divorced and moved on and praying I find someone nice soon. It took ages to get over.

my partner says she wants a break for 2days, curiosity killed the cat and i’ve found out that my she has booked a hotel room for 2 at the opposite end of the country. I’ve seen evidence in form of email and text. Should i go to the hotel and wait for her and make sure she sees me and then make my way home to the children.

Spare yourself the trouble and place a call in the middle of the night (not her cell phone, to the hotel desk) if you want but the last thing your children need if you gong away for some reason and coming back disfunctional. I would say focus, focus, focus on your children to tell you the truth. They need you more than you need to see her with someone else…Believe me I have fantasized about catching my husband with one of “them” (I have lost the count), after reading about vacations he took while I was working to pay the mortgage and the bills and raising the children. At the airport, at the hotel, wherever. And then there would be a big dramatic music, close ups on teary eyes…but life is not a movie. More than anything else, it would just end up with me feeling humiliated (and probably losing it), the other woman victoriously looking at a pathetic me (after all, SHE still gets to go on that vacation and I get to go…home). Spare yourself the humiliation. Decide if you want to confront her. But concentrate on you and your children. They are the most important people in all this.

I would love to hear how some of the above stories have played out since this post is now 3-1/2 yrs. old. Sadly, I am going through the same thing that nearly everyone else who has written is going through. I discovered 8 months ago that my husband of 26 yrs. had been having an affair at least a year prior to that. And like so many others, I never dreamed he would be capable of doing this to me. He moved out and in with her immediately but has not pursued divorce. She is still married, too. I asked him several times to go to joint marriage counseling with me but he would not. I was diagnosed with cancer (am fine now) shortly after he left and, outside of wonderful support from close family and friends, had to go through the ordeal myself. He finally started his own counseling recently but I am ready to contact the attorney and get moving on the divorce. Any advice on how much longer I should give him? Or is this enough time, and it’s time to move on?

3 76. I hope you are doing fine. # 70 here. I am not a counsellor by any strech of the imagination but here is my 2 cents…filing for divorce does not need to end in divorce. It will just provide you with a little more power than you allow yourself to have at the moment and allow you to start moving on in your life with or without him. You ask the question backwards: you shoudl ask how much longer should you give YOURSELF. It is not about him, it is about YOU. your husband is living with another woman. You need to think about yourself, work on yourself, make yourself happy and your priority #1. If and when he comes to his senses, you will be in a much better place already and may not want him anymore (isn’t this the risk he is taking?). If you feel ready to contact and attorney, then you probably ARE ready to move on. Like I said earlier, filing does not have to end in divorce but gives you options. All the best.

Hi, #70. #76 replying back. Thanks for the kind words. I have made the decision to move on. My final straw was him spending a romantic weekend away with the OW just a few weeks after telling me he wanted to reconcile with me. It also appears he has quit going to his therapist after just a few visits and is making absolutely no move to make anything work between us. I’ve had enough. I’m now working to get our house on the market in the next week and will be filing as soon as it sells. More stress on me but if I get lucky and the place sells quickly and I can move, I might actually have a nice summer, unlike last year. I’m hearing from him less and less, always just weirdly polite e-mails and he’s basically acting like he and the OW are married now, even though she hasn’t even gotten her divorce yet. On the plus side, I reconnected with a very good friend of mine from h.s. and we’ve gone out to dinner a couple times, strictly as friends. It has been so nice to be treated well and with respect and him not looking for anything in return. I wouldn’t mind if it turned into something more eventually but one thing at a time, gotta get the divorce out of the way first. Hope you (and everyone else) are doing o.k.

Hi, #79, #76 (and #78) replying back. Thank you. It’s been a very weird year, something I never dreamed I’d find myself in, but with the support of great family and friends, I’ve discovered I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. Even if he came to my door right now and begged forgiveness, I couldn’t imagine taking him back at this point, and I didn’t feel that way just a few months ago. I really wanted it to work out, but now realize I could never, ever trust him again. He is definitely not the same person. No nibbles on the house yet but people have been coming through. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Thank you again!

No one to turn to. The article really sums it up quite well. So I found out after years (24) of marriage, my sons were right. their dad was having an affair. How about that …they knew before I did. we all work at the same place, too. He, she & I. They are in “close” proximity (ugh) and I am far removed, also stuck w/out a vehicle, since hubby & I carpool. I have made a lot of sacrifices in our relationship.But I am not too sure I’ve been glad I’m in it. nevertheless, I thought we were life partners and I planned to be loyal for life. now he says he is so sorry that I had to find the sexting photos she sent him. She even said she was inlove with him. Her husband of25 years died last year.What the hell? i want to make her regret her choice in Playing around with my Mid-life crisis husband. i confronted her at work inthe nicest possible way and boy it felt good to see the fear inher eyes. now he is trying to do nice little things that don’t mean shit to me. I just think he should move out, but he won’t consider therapy. So my boys want him to leave. they are disgusted with him. He is home so much, but he did admit he cheated.Is he just scared that I will divorce him, or does he really want out? he can’t seem to give me a straight answer. I think it may be an exit affair, but he may not see it for that yet.

Hi everyone I came here as this looks like a great place for some emotional support. I am the next on the list. I spent 11 years in a relationship with a man 14 years my senior. He is now 65 I am 52. We have both been divorced twice and of course thought we were soul mates. I did not live with him but spent every free moment that I was not working or taking care of my children who are almost all adults. I have a 17 year old daughter she is the only one left at home. As of last week we were moving in with him in June. I always had planned to wait until my daughter was in college but he kept pushing. I was the one who was skeptical. Catholic background yada yada yada. ANyway my partner and my daughter had been forming a really good bond so we thought we would move in this June and just get it done.
For 11 years I have been taking care of every detail of this man’s life. Cooking cleaning, paperwork, expenses, etc. The only thing I did not do was take care of the bills. That was his department. A day never went by where he did not have home cooked food in the refrigerator clean clothes travel plans made. I think you get the picture. Remember too we did not live together. He lives about 15 miles away by freeway. Anyway last week he texted me I love you, Miss you the whole nine yards. He was not really great with intimacy but he did say I love you when we hung up or left each other.
He has been around the block a few times he is 65 and looks it. I am 52 and people saY i am pretty and I am definitely not overweight. If anything I am underweight. He had trouble with intimacy because he has payrones disease which is scar tissue on the penis and it makes the penis curl. I never worried about it because I loved him enough to find other ways for us to be close. I told him eye to eye that I never wanted him to ever feel as if he were less of a man because of this he was perfect to me. TImes went on most good and some challenges. We seemed to work through them although he had a sense of entitlement that when I would bring something to his attention and he did not want to deal with it he would just look at you with a stare. He did NOT like to discuss my feelings at all. He discussed his all the time. As I said I am a good listener so he talked I listened. We had made a life and even though we lived separate we were a married couple. His words not mine. We were both afraid of a 3rd marriage so that was not really an issue. We could talk when we were living together. I would run to his house after work cook, clean do the laundry and sit by his side watching TV while he finished a couple of bottles of wine. I don’t drink much but I enjoyed a party from time to time. I think I stayed sober because I needed to drive. 7-8 years went on well. In 2010 i had a very rare heart attack. He was my doctor for most but he is ER not cardiology. He told me when this happened that he almost lost the most important person in his life. He said it scared him to death. I loved hearing that but now not sure I should have believed it. I have limitations but I popped back up well. I have lots of medications and can’t exercise etc. but all in all I am the same. I am disabled so working any longer is not an option. This was OK with me as I had wished for the time when I could stay home and just be a house wife and mom. I could not wait to stay home and take care of everybody. This is me… I am a caretaker.
The last month has been challenging with finances and time. He works three positions in medicine and he is not home often. I still waited and continued to take care of business. I noticed some strange behavior but he was so stressed I just tried to ease his frustrations and tell him he was sexy and I loved him with hopes he would feel better.Last Tues he said he was not ok and wanted space. Today he is out and about with his new someone. I got nothing. No discussion no nothing. I did not cry though so I am wondering what that means. I feel pretty ok but sad times happen and I disappear to my room. I don’t know what to think and feel. I don’t want to talk to my kids because they saw him as a father (theirs passed away 15 years ago of a heart attack so it was just them and me for a long time. Help me try to understand this. Help me heal. Sorry if you read this on the other page I did not know there was a separate page for this specific topic. What I have read you make each other feel so good. Comforted and safe. THis is a time that I could use some of that. Thanks

To #82. My dear sweetheart, can you see that you have allowed yourself to be treated this way. You gave up who you are and your needs and scrificed yourself for this man. You may not see this yet, but you gave this man premission to treat you this way by self-sacrificing the way you have. firstly realise that you have a long road ahead of pain and healing, this does not come easy and you have to do the work, but the end of the road will mean you will have self-respect, belief in yourself and love yourself so much, that you will never let a man treat you this way again. This is ofcourse if you decide to walk away from this relationship. If you go back and the chances are that he will want the comforts you provide (without any comittment from his side) he will most likely treat you just as badly and leave again. This is a hard and painful decision you have to make, but if you leave you will learn to love yourself and thereby will not get into any relationship where you re giving 80% and yr partner 20%. You say you are attractive and sexy – believe in yourself, give yourself the opportunity to find equal love. I would kick this man in the butt and hope the door kicks him in the head as he leaves. you are worth so much more my love, dont sell yourself short.

Oh thank you I needed this so much. I did realize what I was doing I was an enabler. The things that are confusing is things were great fine OK I was moving in within a month he and I were picking out furniture you know settling in. He was completely involved in the planning. I think someone gave him attention and he feels he needed to try “something new” He is a doctor high up in his field and is 65 years old. He should have common sense about how to treat people. I am working on me and I have not cried so I don’t know what that means. His family is devastated and are somewhat angry at him. I have stayed out of it. I just want what is mine and get on with my life. WHy is he not responding to me?
I needed someone to talk to because I don’t want to involve my 4 children they have been through enough with the loss of their own father. They thought of him as a father figure and cared deeply.
It is just nice to have someone to talk to.

to 84. It does not matter how intellectual or high up he is – he is still a dog. Do not even try to analyse him. you are only feeding his ego. Cut your losses, this is not about you. The best revenge you can have is to get on with your life and believe me this is the difficult part, which you have to do, and let him guess and try to figure out what you are up to. It is a age old rule but as long as A is chasing B — B will run. Once A stops chasing B – B stops and wonders why ?. You need to find your own worth, realise how worthy you are, only then will you get angry and anger will move you on to the next level. The level where you say I am worth so much more- I nolonger will tolerate this kind of emotional abuse and then you will move on. Please do not demean yourself to beg this man for explanations, he is not worthy of you. leave him to his own demise. I know this all sounds so harsh, but what has been done to you is harsh and so very painful. you need drastic steps to heal and protect yourself. Part of the process is looking back and searching for answers, especially when you thought everything was so good and promising. But try not to dwell to long on this, this thinking is depressing and keeps you in the past. What I am saying is, He has to do the work, come and explain to you why, what, where. He might, he might not, but in the meantime do what you must do to cope and heal – staying away from him and being strong is what is required now. Wish I could help you. Big Hug and Kisses, remember you are Beautiful, God does not make rubbish, do not let anyone treat you this way.
Always here for you.

Oh thank you so much. You are right and I am in the process of moving on. I have strength that I did not know I had. I have not cried other than to kick myself. You are right he is the issue not me. He has had problems all of his life I felt sorry for him helped him make changes for the better. I thought he was reaping all the rewards but in this case it is his loss. I just have a problem with him not communicating with me. I am not interested in discussions about us. I just want to settle all the things we have put together over 10 years and he won’t communicate with me. I have cancelled all the cards accounts everything but car and phone and he wont sign the papers. Why. If he wants this break why does he not just sign it an let me go my own way.
Thank you for the very nice comments I am beautiful I am strong I have 4 beautiful children who love me. My family is distant but my friends are plentiful. I could use the hugs and kisses. When I look around at all the wonderful things in my life I do smile. I just want it all to be done. You have been a wonderful help I needed someone to talk to. My kids have enough on their plate so they don’t need my worries. I am so glad I found this website for support.

i have no idea if i sud even be posting on this topic…i am 20 years old and live at home with my little brother 15 and older brother 24 and parents….3 days ago i turned on my dads laptop and saw conversation between him and another lady talking about meeting up next week to spend a few days together. my dad can get away with this as he is always working and his company is under huge stress so works long hours. i know i sudnt have snooped but to be honest when its addressed to his ‘lover’ and the name is not my mothers im going to continue reading. i have no idea how long this has been going on but its seems very serious in one email she talks about having a child with him….what i can gather from reading some of the emails is that my dads is waiting for a certain time to leave my mum for this lady(who also happened to work for his company a few years ago). what will i do? i can barely look at my mum or dad? i dont think i can bring my self to break up my family….but i dont know how much longer i can keep this secret. any help or advice would be appreciated
Thanks

I have been married 26 years..in the relationship 27 years. My husband had an affair 17 years ago. He regretted it and we worked through it. He recently has been having another affair with someone who worked for him. She has worked there a year now, but supposedly the sexual part of the affair has only been going on 2 months. I was unaware of anything until he came to me and told me he couldn’t be here anymore. The next day he admitted more…he admitted there is someone else but told me they hadn’t done anything yet, but he wanted to explore where things could go with her…another lie…they had already had sex, 2 weeks after our anniversary. He agreed to go to counseling and try; however, in hindsight, I feel he only went to counseling to appease me and perhaps make things look better, so he could say he tried. Unfortunately, the trying didn’t really happen. He told me 4 times he was ending it with her, but each time he left the door open and they didn’t stop talking to each other. Finally, after he had some type of melt down, he didn’t reply to her texts or phone calls, but after she stopped for 2 days, he up and disappeared on me, saying he was going to get coffee and didn’t come back. I think he was afraid she gave up and got scared.

He lost his position because of the affair; however, they did offer him a demotion in another city. He’s still deciding whether or not to take the position.

He told me he’s pretty sure he’s doing the right thing with her. He’s also told me he thinks our issues are fixable, but he’s afraid things would go back after a while. He admitted if he had 100% guarantee things wouldn’t change back, he’d try to save the marriage. Another day, he told me I am and probably always will be the best friend he’s ever had. I’m so confused. I can tell he cares about me, and when we’re together, we’re able to have fun and laugh. To me, having a best friend for a spouse, is an excellent foundation for a marriage, and in my opinion, everything else can be fixed. I want to make things work, because he is my best friend too, and I love him, but I can’t do it by myself and we can’t do it with the other woman in the picture. Every time they have sex, I feel him pull further away from me and closer to her. But how can I fight that when he won’t even let me hold his hand or even hug him? Why would someone want to give up their best friend? I just don’t get understand.

to # 89 – because he is constantly searching for happiness and is looking for what he believes to be the easiest fix–externally. The truth of the matter the person making him unhappy is not you but himself. He thinks the other woman will make him happy because it is right now. It probably won’t last is my guess but the closer you try to keep him to you the further he’ll most likely pull away. I’m sorry but it sounds a lot like to me–and I am NOT a professional– that this will have to run its course. Mother nature seems to have designed it so that by the time it has run its course you probably won’t care to have him back. Take care and hang in there.

I am writing this post because when I stumbled onto this site, it made me feel less alone. Perhaps someone else in my position will similarly benefit from reading this post. Additionally, I wonder how other people have handled the kind of situation I have experienced.

My husband (to whom I have been married for twenty-one years) had a six-year affair with his ex-wife. I still am not sure if it was a strictly emotional affair or if it had a sexual dimention. From what I’ve read, the emotional component is more painful for a betrayed woman than the sexual is, anyway.

The affair began so innocently. The ex-wife had just been dumped by her boyfriend; my husband, at the urging of his children, phoned her to cheer her up. At that point, he had a cordial but distant relationship with her. I agreed with my husband that we ought to invite her to visit us, because I really liked her, based on our infrequent encounters at weddings and the like.

That invitation was such a mistake. From the moment she arrived, I was a bystander watching as she and my husband rekindled their old feelings for one another. After she went back home, I told my husband how difficult her visit had been for me. He replied that my perceptions were wrong and that he had no romantic interest in her. She emailed me that she understood how I could feel threatened by her but shouldn’t. I responded to her warmly, extending the hand of friendship to her, but she never replied to me.

Several months later, my husband visited Los Angeles, his hometown, to which he returns several times a year to see friends and family (sometimes I go with him, but my job doesn’t allow me to travel has much as his does). When he returned, he let slip that he had seen his ex-wife, who still lives there. He said that they had run into each other at a concert, and after that chance meeting had decided to visit old friends together. He said that he had thought that it wouldn’t bother me for them to see each other, but since I was upset, he wouldn’t do it again. I was disturbed, but I believed him, and I let it drop.

So the years rolled by. My husband continued to go to LA and stay with his adult children, but he never mentioned seeing his ex-wife. I wondered if he did see her, but I kept my fears to myself because I didn’t want to seem irrationally suspicious. During this time, my husband’s siblings started to invite the ex-wife to small family parties, something that hadn’t happened before they had rekindled their relationship. I felt uncomfortable because now, when she was around, my husband was cold and distant with me and overly involved with her.

Then, almost one year ago, I discovered that my husband and his ex-wife had been secretly corresponding since her initial visit to us. They had actually arranged that supposedly chance encounter at a concert, going behind my back because they knew I would be threatened by the idea of their seeing each other. I don’t know how often they got together when he visited LA after that meeting.

When I discovered that correspondence, I felt as if a knife had been thrust through my heart. Then, as if the fact of a six-year affair weren’t bad enough, what happened next nearly drove me to distraction. When I confronted my husband with the secret correspondence, he spent the next seven months justifying what he had done and saying I was being unfair to his ex-wife. Sometimes he insisted that he had a right to have a relationship with her as he did with other old friends. Other times he said that he needed to resolve their “tragic and romantic past” (they had had an open marriage, which she had ended when he fell in love with another woman, who later dumped him). Sometimes he even claimed that he wanted to create a friendship among the three of us. When I finally got him to see a therapist with me, he initially spent each session splitting hairs over terminology rather than trying to make our marriage better.

After months, our therapist helped my husband see that his ex-wife had not been a friend to me, and that actually she had been competing with me—not only with my husband, but also with his children, siblings, and friends. This is not to say that she is a bad person. I still sincerely believe that she is a very fine person. But when it comes to my husband, she has unresolved issues, along with the attraction that all-too-often arises when old lovers are reunited.

Then my husband started to take responsibility for what he had done and to explore why he had done it. He admitted that although he had never wanted to leave me, he wanted to have both his ex-wife and me, an arrangement to which he knew I would never agree.

Eventually my husband decided to re-commit to our marriage. He wrote his ex-wife a break-up email saying that they should go back to being ex-spouses. He made an effort to repair the situation with his children and extended family (although my relationship with my stepchildren, whom I love dearly, remains complicated).

In most affairs, a straying spouse can, if he wishes, make a complete, clean break with the affair partner, as the books advise must happen if the marriage is to heal. What makes my husband’s affair especially difficult is that his affair partner will always be with us. She is the mother of his children, my stepchildren. She is the woman with whom he shared his glamorous and exciting youth. Although he has asked his siblings to stop inviting her to small family parties, she will of course be present at weddings and funerals, and at the children’s events. Neither my husband nor I can ever just forget about her, no matter how much we might like to. She is part of our lives forever. We must recreate our love and our life with this shadow hanging over us.

I recently caught my husband out in an affair he has been having with a much younger woman from his work. We have been together 9 years, married three and have a five year old son. I am devastated and want to move back where my family and support are but I think he is going to try to stop me. I can’t stand to be back where we were, she had started to take her child to where I was taking my son for swimming lessons and my husband only then began to show an interest in my sons swimming lessons – at the time I didn’t realise it was there extra way of seeing each other, I thought it was nice he was showing an interest in his sons activity! She also lives near us, I feel like I can’t do or go anywhere there anymore and I have no-one there. He at first blamed her, then blamed me and then told me he loved her and wanted to be with her. He has sent me bullying texts and will refer to our child as his son, but when it comes to any more formal communication he says our son. I am destroyed he has done this especially when I trusted him so much and he has even put my health at risk of STDs by his actions and now I feel like he is trying to punish me more and more by not letting me move with our son to where we have emotional and physical support, even though I have agreed that I would be wanting to organise contact for him – even though the thought sickens me as I do feel like he and the other woman are not of a moral standing I would really like my son around – she knew who I was and knew he was married and knew who our child was as she saw us togther at swimming. Although, who knows what lies he has told her, he’s certainly told me an extensive list. His family also live where I want to move to. I feel like I’m made to suffer over and over again for something that was not my fault.

Why is it that they always tend to blame the other party when they are the ones making all these bad choices? I just want to love her and yet that’s not enough ? She denies having any sexual contact ,but that I doubt now??. How can you go to a ex boyfriend and meet with him alone when you were warned not to do that? Her reason was to set the record straight ? What record is there to set straight ??? And alone as well ???? I am hurting so much in this now , I cannot even think straight?? Is to love somebody really so hurtful ?

What were and what are you thinking?
You knew he was married. You knew he had children. You knew he slept beside me every night. And you knew that I knew nothing.
Is that what made it so delicious? So tempting?
That I appeared by his side at various events, utterly clueless to what was going on behind my back?
Saw something what you wanted ? Did you feel triumphant? That you’d beat me at something? That you took my husband?
That you took a partner of another female?
Did you enjoy the excitement?
The secret?
Did or does my HUSBAND still see’s you, I ask myself?
Is he still unfaithful? Either physical or emotional (in contact with you, by phone, meeting up, text, email etc) or even both, either way as he then is still betraying me, his children, betraying himself. Is he still lying?
Did my husband, did he change that much, his value’s, his believes etc, as the wonderful man I married on the ………. wouldn’t ever humiliated me or other’s in such cruel and hurtful way!
Is the satisfaction of that worth sacrificing your own dignity?
Because, really, how can or could you have any dignity when you’re pulling on your panties as my husband races away from you to be home with his family?
Does he have any dignity?
You can’t really scream out open and honestly your feelings into the world, or He doesn’t let you scream out, I’m in love with ……. …..!!!
Doing this behind my back, behind his children, behind the ones who openly welcomed you in their family home, after your soap stories ?
After I suspected, you had to leave.. He wanted to make sure, I will not find out his secret.
How can you or could have any DIGNITY when you’re alone – again – on a night while he’s spending time with his family?
And frankly, though I might have looked stupid and naive, weak, and perhaps pitiful and desperate to you, as his wife, .., but let me tell you, I’ll take stupid, SAD, desperate, PATHETIC, trusting etc OVER sleazy, selfish, slimy, immoral, egotistical, skimming, low and cruel any day of the week!!!
No matter how awful and devastated it felt to be me when I finally found out,
I’d still take that over being you!
(( Oh, don’t ever believe that I don t know it’s his fault, too! As he should know better, as he is the adult and you still a teenager, you needs to learn about not flaunting hourself so cheap, about respect, dignity, morality, honesty, etc!
No you of course didn’t force my husband to make the choice to cheat. No one put a gun to his head. HE is responsible for his own actions, always was always will be! He knew what he was doing in front of his own door step, family home! )).
I know you don’t see yourself (and my husband for sure was blind folded, lost touch of his good judgement) ,in this light, but I known you took the advantage of an opportunity to brighten your own unhappy life up. Saw a nice, successful, self made man, unhappy with his own soap stories, ready for picking.
Having fun, feeling sexy, funny and smart with him! Showed him how much better you are. Wanted him to put you ahead of his marriage!
No matter that my eyes were practically swollen and closed from crying, went out of my mind, as I couldn’t believe it’s all true and went sick for months, I could then and I can still look myself square in the mirror without shame!!!
But you see, I believed in the love if of my life, our vow’s, his promises!!!
How naive of me, to believe my husband would keep his promise’s, his vow’s-and he wouldn’t hurt me, respect me, be faithful, be honest, stay committed, no secrets, no dirty privacy, be different to other men.
If I ever want to be with another woman and fall in love, he promised me, I take you in my arms and tell you, as this would be the day I don’t love you anymore and tell you it’s over…..
I wish, he had.
Did you think it was simply a matter of time?
That it would be appealing enough for him to walk away, to be only with you and you live my life, be on his side, happily after?
That it would be so easy?
That all those fantasies you have or what you convinced yourself of or he has, that I always nagged, that I was lousy in bed, that I was boring, so horrible, not understanding, not listing, not caring, unhappy and bitchy, always unhappy, that he hates me – the dreams he has and want to share only with you, were actually All true? Only one sided, you should know, it takes two!
I know he told himself, I’am like that, forgot how pushy he can be, if one say’s No, and how convincing he then can be to turn all Wishes and Truth around..
Did you really believe that any relationship based on deception would ever work?
That he, move on with you?
That he can move on with you?
That you can move on with him?
That he always told you the truth, has been honest with you?
My guess is, yes, you did. My guess is, you still do!
My guess is also that very few other selfish girls or woman like you honestly admit their role as an accomplice in the intentional hurting and decepition of another human being.
Often another human being like you don’t know. Or barely know.
Or perhaps, shockingly, know well.
As you knew me and the children, our family life, our home, our business, our life Very well!
Instead, woman/girls like you sell themselves clichés.
Something along the lines of “we’re soul-mates”, “we couldn’t help ourselves”, “the chemistry was too powerful”, he is the one”, “he is my superman/hero” or “you can’t stop love.” All of which, I suspect you recognize on some level, is total rubbish.
“We didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” you wail.
Oh. Yes. You. Did!
Because you knew. You knew that I would be hurt.
You knew I was being lied to.
And betrayed.
And you participated in that. Knowingly. Willingly. Perhaps even happily.
As you are a woman, you knew what it means!
You know I will never forget!
My children have been being hurt.
I don’t expect you to take total responsibility for that (after all, HE is their father), you nonetheless contributed to the dissolution of their family.
A dissolution, strong enough to fight so people like you off, during a time of big changes which brought on weakness and unhappiness in the family, in a married couple.
A dissolution something dirty, sneaky, conning and evil doesn’t happen to their family.
How naive of my children.
How naive of them thinking your nice.
They classed you as a friend not only as an employee! They trusted you!
Their believes in a good solid foundation family,
Believing in trust, honesty, friendship, being faithful – shattered.
I thought of you as a girl, still growing still up as my daughter is only 15 month younger then you, trusted you around my home, my family, my husband.
Helped you, never thought anything about your personal question you ask me, about my lovely and nice life….
And for what was it?
Was the sex that good? Was worth it?
But I know, you don’t know what is shame, dignity, honesty and you don’t know morality.
Otherwise you would just walked away and gone on with your life. Told him, he needs to sort out his life and family, the problems…, as it not right what you’re and he are doing! Doesn’t feel right.
You should have ask him to do the honourable thing and ask him to leave his family and wife before continuing your special realtionship.
But you didn’t.
And if he left or still leaves me for you? As your probably still waiting and hoping.
As you stated in a email to your so called boyfriend Mr. …… ……, my husband – I proof it to you, I wait for you, I love you!
Since when do you need to proof and show you are worthy of love?
You can’t understand why He didn’t left me Or better I left him yet.
As you quite clearly stated in an email just 6 weeks in to the affair. Prove it to me and get a divorce from your wife – who – Who wouldn’t, meaning me, leave such a man, after what he did.
Well, let me tell you it’s Hard! You thought you done enough, you thought I ditch my husband after I found out. But I also know – you re
Still waiting to have the sweet triumph of knowing, how it should end, how it usually ends!
What would you have gained?
Damaged children attached to him.
A man, who you knew lied and cheated his wife, his family.
A man who doesn’t had the self-control to stop himself from doing something he knows to be wrong. To be hurtful. What a prize!
But maybe you known! And it’s ok for you?!?
Guess what?
How sad is that OW, I want to believe in the man I married, I took my vow’s with, but I also know it will never be the same again, I never will be the the same person again. As something very special has been taken from me.
We all can make mistakes in life, even so horrible ones!
He ask me to forgive him, admitted his mistake, and said sorry.
I still believe in my husband, the father of my children!
I believe him, that he loves me.
Intention are good but action are better.
After being found out, being caught, the choice was his!
But you still kept it going after he said he needs to return home.
Crying,pleading, feeling sorry for you and what you lost, what you thought should be yours.
If he doesn’t like to return to you, choose you, than at least he shouldn’t be with me his wife and why think of the children?
You told him in a letter, just live your life, be happy! Why stay with your wife, if she makes you unhappy! Don’t stay for the children. Go and travel, find yourself and when your back, I hope you come to me!
Why shouldn’t he go back to his wife and family and work things out? Why, if you are such a nice, sweet, honest, trustworthy, unselfish, non materialistic, considered and matured thinking human being of 19 years, he should not do the right thing, after doing so many wrong’s?
Maybe that life you imaged you would have on his side, thats why he shouldn’t…..!
Why I ask, would you like to be with a man who is married, not free and who is – 30 years + older than you?
You forgot one more little weeny thing to start a good relationship… commitment!
Yes, the meaning of only “us two” , “me and you”to start off with! He and you would lose ALSO on these grounds from the beginning, as he wasn’t and still isn’t free to date open and honestly!
Believe it or not, I felt sorry for you and for my husband.
Though I raged at you in my head, loathed the look of you, wanted to go sick, went sick each time I imagined you two together, went in the shower or bath, to scrub and clean myself from soooooo much dirt.
I felt a shiver of pity for you.
Because no-one does this unless they value themselves so little that they settle for another’s scraps rather than demand an honest and true relationship!
Or unless they’re so delusional that they really believe that this is how TRUE LOVE manifests.
Unless they’ve fallen for all that “star-crossed lovers” and “us against the world” rubbish.
I know I have to go on what is left of your trail in my life, my believes have been shattered, after 20 years with all their ups and downs. And let me Tell you, there have been more happy than unhappy times!
Let me tell you after such a long relationship and partnership, you can loose track and things can go terrible wrong. Is this a midlife crises ? I have no idea.It happens to the best in this world we living in.
It takes a lot of control, strengths, believe in your partner, in your self and one feelings to go back on the right road, to rebuild the trust!
And i’m struggle every day, thanks to you and my husband!
Its extremely though, but Love, care, believe and forgiveness give me some strengths and I hope I somehow can leave everything behind and find my happiness in life again.
I don’t know the future, but in my past,
The year 2012 with many dates, will be seared into my mental calendar, a year with these emotions- Grieving, sadness,humiliation, sickness, devastation, betrayal, unhappiness…
But let me tell you, if my husband want’s you after all, and doesn’t value OUR life, ME anymore, he can have you!
Only to let you know, The door has been always open for him to walk out! This would be devastating for me, but let me tell you he couldn’t hurt me anymore than he already did! I wouldn’t ask him again to stay, as I’m worthy of more!
I have no idea where you are now.
And thought I still taste the sicknes when I think back, I’m able to wish you, if not well, then at least better than what you had.
If only to spare another woman the agony of finding out that you’re sleeping and betraying her with her loved one, with her husband or partner!!!!!!

Hi I found out on valentines that my h was having an affair, after she (his affair) rang me calling me every name under the sun after he hasn’t gone to live with her that week she put 2 /2 together realising he wasn’t leaving me for her…. So he had no option but to tell me what he had been up to…. What hurts more is its a friend of his cousin I was good friends with who knew about this and I had an incline back in December questioning him having an affair with this girl…. Making me feel I was going mad and all in my head… 2 weeks prior to finding out he had a new mobile contract came in post with a SIM card contract which i questioned him about… To find out he got it for her!!!! He has ended it with this girl so he says before I had found out as realised he was being a fool…. And begging me stay with him but I just don’t know what to do… I love him but feel totally betrayed and hurt how he could do this to me and my children are so attached to him after being a good friend for many years and us being an item for 4 years now!!! Top it off the stupid girl has been harassing and stalking me, I changed my mobile number as she got hold of it sending me messages and ringing me to find out where I am… How can I move on with my life with this happening…. We never spoke so much like we have this last 3 weeks telling me his deepest feelings, and I melt when he’s around me… I feel I’m not strong enough to leave him yet don’t know if I can move forward either… I feel I’m to blame as if I not argued with him over not doing enough or maybe asking too much would he have still done it??
then the other night this girl taunted me at a bar I saw red and grabbed her telling me to leave me alone…. She laughed and I grabbed her hair causing a 4 minute brawl this evil woman who I agree I should not have grabbed called police…. I spent 7 hrs in a cell as she had friends lie about saying I did worse but thankfully for the police it proved them otherwise…. Because of this girl I was given a police caution on my records for 100 years now and lost my career I just worked and studied hard for for 3 years….. Because of his stupid actions it has cost me my future…. How can I move on when I have nothing left….. My world has fallen around me

My husband had an ‘emotional’ affair with an old girlfriend he met on Facebook. He swore up and down it never got physical, but I have my doubts, as would anyone I suppose. He begged me not to take the kids and leave, and I reluctantly stayed. She tried to continue the relationship and it got heated on the phone with us until I threatened to tell her husband. That got her to stop. It’s now been 3 1/2 years and I’m still not over it. This makes me question whether or not I made the right decision. I stayed for my children (he is a good dad) and I’m still here so they don’t grow up in a broken home like I did. But there are days I’m miserable and just fantasize about leaving and it just being me and the kids. When I feel like this though, I then feel guilty as if I’m taking the kids away. I have a mental countdown until my youngest is 18, but I don’t know if I can wait another 10 years. I no longer trust him and although we have made progress I still feel hurt, anger, and disgust. I don’t know why he couldn’t have had the courtesy of divorcing me first instead of hurting me more by asking me to stay. I question how long I will feel like this.

I have tried to get over it, but obviously that’s not working. I wanted to go to marriage counseling but he won’t have it. At this point, I just feel alone as I have for the last 3 1/2 years. He acts as if it is all past and gets very angry if I ever bring it up wanting to know how long I’m going to hold it against him. Sometimes I don’t know if he was truly sorry or just sorry he got caught. Some days I still love him but some days I hate him. Sexual intimacy has been hard for me since then. I just don’t feel the connection anymore. It’s sexual intercourse, but not making love, especially on an emotional level.

When I met my husband, we both can contest that it was love at first sight..we both were young, I was 20 he was 24. We started a family together early as well. We both worked although we didn’t make much compared to our peers and siblings. However, we would work together to pay bills and accomplish goals like buying an home in a good school district for the family etc. I knew my husband didn’t have much to offer me from the beginning but I saw potential and I prayed and asked God was this the man for me considering I was not very experience with relationships. I also thought, I got the green light from the Lord by acknowledging him first concerning marriage since this would be a major lifetime decision for us. My parents adore my husband as well too which was huge to me considering our closeness. Well, to get to the sour part, after 20 years of marriage and 3 children, my loving and fabulous husband somehow slipped into an affair on me with at least 3 or more of his coworkers in the past 10 years. Sadly he would take advantage of these poor women because he was the boss and had the authority to hire and fire, promote, and give raises in return I guess they had power to give him something’s too if you catch my drift. He would charm these single and desperate woman by doing special things for them that was not work related and buying them expensive gifts and high end lunches and dinners knowingly we were struggling to pay our bills. He never did any of these nice things for me and although I desire such accolades I just thought we couldn’t afford it. Granted he made the kids suffer too and never bought them anything for birthdays or Christmas saying to all that he’s broke. In the meantime, the real reason was the entertainment of his affairs while coming home to me everyday to a soft kiss like the doting husband that couldn’t wait to the end of work day to see his wife and family. Talking about a double life it was truly like something you see on tv. I found out by accident. My husband hurt me to the core of my soul and now I’m a prisoner of humiliation and pain as a result of his sins which seems like for the rest of my life. It hurts me so bad to know that even after 3 years of living in pain after finding out and crying everyday hoping he would just leave the company and go after another job. He refuses to leave the company or transfer and sadly he doesn’t make much considering he is a manager and we don’t have enough to pay our bills. As I’m trying to save money to get back on tract he’s taking from our family and giving to another women who has no responsibility and can buy her own stuff. Yet, he continues to live with me and sees the hurt in my face yet he prefers to stay blind and continues to entertain her while telling me and the kids he loves me, and will never leave me. He still works with the lady and expects me to believe nothing is going on between the two of them when she only lives 10 minutes from there job. Two of the ladies have moved on but there is still the one left whom refuses to let go even after I’ve spoken to her about it. I know it’s not her fault it was my husband who crossed the line willfully. I don’t understand why people say it was something missing in our marriage when we always communicated about everything except his affairs, we even shop together, we go to church together we were always in harmony concerning decisions for the children etc. He was my lover and best friend. We had a good sexual and romantic partnership that I thought was fulfilling for him considering he would always have an erection and cum everytime we made out. I’m not a controlling type of woman and I don’t nag. Not to pin roses on myself but I even look so much better then them all. My esteem is now at an all time low. I’m scared for my husband and our broken relationship. I can forgive him but it’s hard when it appears he put the job before me and my feelings. I don’t want him to stop working just tell the truth and find another job even if it pays less. Money is not everything even though I don’t feel it’s about the money and the scarce jobs in this economy but it’s about the other woman. Please pray for my hurting heart. Everytime I hear the news someone died, I desperately and secretly wish that it was me. He has apologized and says he regret it all as a general statement but he won’t give any details or answer any of my questions about these extra marital affairs.