a word on gifts

â€œChristmas, Christmas time is near, Time for toys and time for cheer. Weâ€™ve been good, but we canâ€™t last, Hurry Christmas, hurry fast! Want a plane that loops the loop, Me, I want a Hula-Hoop. We can hardly stand the wait, Please Christmas donâ€™t be late.â€

well kids, the holiday season is most definitely upon us. and since the 1950's were SO 20th century, kids don't want simple things like a plane or hula-hoop anymore. no, from the hula-hoop (which was like the number one toy in the 50's) kids moved on to frisbees, skip-its, tamagotchis, furbys, playstations. you know. you were there for most of it. nowadays, shopping for your loved ones during the holidays can be very, very tricky. i'm here to help you with that. PRESENTING ...*dun dun dun dun!* the list of NOT appropriate holiday gifts.

not appropriate gift #1 the christmas sweater. the christmas sweater might seem like an easy way out. Hey, winter is cold, the sweater is warm. look, it's festive too! right? WRONG!! they are big, bulky, and tend to be hideous. definitely NOT appropriate for: your girlfriend. possibly appropriate for: grandma. just tell her you knitted it...with love. also possibly appropriate for: your pug. if it looks that darn cute.

not appropriate gift #2 the fuzzy pink ipod case. now i know what you're thinking. if you're gonna spend $250 on an mp3 player, might as well protect it. yes, i think that's a brilliant idea. before the ipod, the only "electronics" accessories sold were different colored bodies for those horrid nokia phones. there's a whole market dedicated to "pimpin" your ipod. but you really have to think of your target audience for this gift. really. studies show that 85.3% of ipod ownder do not own or care to own anything in "fuzzy pink". definitely NOT appropriate for: your boyfriend. possibly appropriate for: your eleven year old sister. provided she's not a tomboy.

not appropriate gift #3 a tool box. finding a tool box, or any other tool holding device for that matter, under all the shiny bows and pretty wrapping paper only sends one messag to the recipient: hi, i'm desperate, what's your name? this may anger the person, depending on how close you supposedly are. they may become violent and throw things. like the tool box. definitely NOT appropriate for: mom. possibly appropriate for: dad. just be warned that he probably already has three.

not approrpriate gift #4 the re-gifted bath and beauty basket. this should probably be listed as ANY bath and beauty gift basket, but i know that you would never buy one of these cheap, sorry excuses for a gift. no, this is totally a re-gift. it's something that great aunt sally gave you last year and while you probably smiled and said, "thanks! i love the smell of cantaloupe lemon grass!" you were thinking which closet would be best to hide it in that great aunt sally was least likely to snoop through during one of her unexpected visits. definitely NOT appropriate for: your best friend. possibly appropriate for: the co-worker whose name you pulled for secret santa.

not appropriate gift #5 ps3. five years ago, soccer moms were beating each other up outside toys-r-us to bring a ps2 home. they were classy and innovatice. it had a dvd player built it, so that's one less ugly black box in your living room. the new ones look even classier, but you won't be able to afford anything for the next three years since these babies can run you $500 or more if you want to add more storage. or buy it off my boyfriend on ebay. definitely NOT appropriate for: your brother. get him a wii. possibly appropriate for: your brother. if you're rich and he's some hardcore gamer. but i still say get a wii.

not appropriate gift #6 fruitcake. what can i say about fruitcake?? i'm personally terrified of it. they're banned on airplanes because of their density. you know what else are banned on airplanes? explosives. knives. i don't go eating those. i really don't know how the fruitcake made it's way into christmas culture, but i vote it out. definitely NOT appropriate for: anybody. possibly appropriate for: nobody. really. not even the starving neighborhood stray mutt.

that concludes my holiday special. stay tuned for my next -- the twelve days AFTER christmas.

in other news, i've decided that the person who invents the waterproof laptop will be richer than bill gates. also, i'm not blonde anymore.