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Parents and family waited at a shopping center parking lot in Wood Village, Ore., to be reunited with students after the shooting at Reynolds High School Tuesday, June 10, 2014.
(Beth Nakamura/The Oregonian)

As tragedies such as the Reynolds High School shooting in Troutdale become horrifyingly common, more schools are incorporating drills to prepare students for how to react in the event of a gun violence threat. The fact that Reynolds had instituted such preparedness drills two years ago has been credited with saving many lives on Tuesday, when a student shooter killed freshman Emilio Hoffman, and then shot himself.

But even as students are learning to live with the possibility that danger may walk through the doors, their parents often find themselves feeling overwhelmed with fear and uncertainty as they send their children off to school.

When those thoughts take over, it can be tempting to bottle them up, Cary says. "Anxiety breeds a deep desire for avoidance, the 'I don't want to talk about this' feeling. But to avoid avoidance is one of the best ways that we can confront, address, and reduce anxiety."

Parents need to share their fears with other adults who can help them understand their emotions, Cary says. "Open up. Parents should make sure they've got somebody they can talk to, so they can discuss adult-appropriate issues, and they're not hashing this out with their kids. So when kids bring it up, the parent has already processed it."

Ken Ensroth, medical director for child and adolescent psychiatry for Providence Health & Services, agrees. "Never worry alone. Share those worries with the school, but also with other parents. Talk to each other. Compare notes. Just sharing that worry is in itself calming, so you don't feel like, 'I'm going crazy.'"

"You need to have confidence they remain safe day by day, by checking with your school on what is their procedure. It's good to know the school knows what to do."

While some parents may turn to social media like Facebook to share concerns, Ensroth has some cautions. "Social media is by definition more public, and there are more people involved. There's a greater likelihood someone will say or post something dramatic, inflammatory or extreme, including potentially their own trauma. Be selective, whether it's looking at blogs, or talking on social media. If it's getting scary, turn it off."

A potential downside of social media, Enroth says, is how limiting it is. "We are a very social species, but it's not the same thing to chat with somebody by email as it is to chat with somebody in person. Our brains are attuned to recognize facial expression, tone of voice and all the nonverbal components, which adds to that feeling of connection."

In addition to connecting with friends and neighbors, Ensroth says parents can also help calm their fears by such simple activities as getting exercise.

"Get up and move around," he says. "Physical movement is calming. Go for a walk. Cardiovascular exercise produces endorphins. Any kind of exercise makes you feel, OK, I'm in my body, I have this strength, I feel more safe and calm. This can help when you talk to your kids.

"Even better is going for a walk with your kids, family or friends. Walk and talk is a great thing, because it's social, and it's exercise. I tell kids and parents that we may have all this 3D media, but in my opinion, the best 3D is going outside, and looking up into a tree. You can see the branches, the leaves, see the breeze rustle through it. It takes you out of the worries in your head."

After a traumatic event such as the Reynolds school shooting, "it's important to get back to normal routines," Ensroth says. "Routines ground us."

Of all the fears parents may grapple with following a school shooting, the most disturbing may be wondering if their own child might be capable of committing such violent acts.

"I get tons of parents asking me that question," says OSHU's Cary. "'Could my kid do something like this?' It is the most horrifying thing for a parent to admit. But you are not a bad parent, you have not betrayed your kid, if you worry about this. It's a human thing to worry about it. Some parents have kids who are more secretive, or are more interested in violence. That doesn't mean you raised your kid wrong, or your kid is inherently evil.

"From my perspective," Cary says, "one of the things we have learned from the kids who have committed these atrocities is that they have a lot of secrets. If you're worried your kid is withdrawing and isolating, seek support. See if you can help your kid open up about some of those secrets. If you're not the right person to do it, recruit other adults the kid trusts. Relatives, friends, therapists, pastors. Frame it honestly. You don't need any excuses. Say 'I love you, I care about you, I'm worried there may be more going on than I know. I want to make sure that if you have some scary secrets you have somebody to talk to about that. I know it's hard to be a kid. It's easy to feel misunderstood. I love you, and I want to make sure you have access to all the support you need.'"

While every young person is different, Cary says, "some potential indicators are you feeling distance, feeling confused, you don't know what your kid is getting into, and you're concerned. Always trust your parental instinct. It's not OK to accuse your kids. It's not OK to say, 'I think you might become a shooter.' It's OK to say, 'I love you, and I want to make sure you have someone who can help make you feel understood.'"

Some parents may fear that even raising the topic of violent behavior might contribute to it, Cary says. "There's a stigma in our society that, for example, 'I can't ask my kid about suicide because it will incite my kid to think about suicide.' But talking about it makes kids feel understood. Asking your kid, 'are you feeling really angry against people? I know some kids feel so angry they want to kill people. It's OK to talk with me about that.' When the thoughts get stuck in our head, they take on a life of their own. When we get them out of our heads, you can talk about the potential consequences. Kids may want to escape, but they don't necessarily want to die.

"Your kid may get mad, but feelings are OK. Validating that anger is as human a feeling as joy is, or love is. But adults can help separate having those feelings, and acting on those feelings."

Ensroth adds that parents shouldn't hesitate to seek professional help if they're concerned about their child. "If your kid has a bad tooth, you don't try to fix it yourself. We need to keep working to erase the stigma that mental health is any different than physical health."

If you notice a change in your child's behavior -- whether it's talking a lot or not talking, a change in sleep patterns, or appetite -- Ensroth encourages parents to reach out. If the child won't talk to the parent, "involve a professional, your primary care doctor, a teacher, a counselor, your pastor. Start getting help to sort it out. If your gut is saying there's something wrong here, listen to your gut, talk to your child and get more assessment."

And parents shouldn't forget to tend to their own needs, Ensroth says. "It's not selfish to take care of yourself. Managing your own stress is good for you, and your family. You bring more to your parenting when you're healthy and calm, and feeling good."