So clearly my last blog post was an Epic Fail. I didn't read the articles, for the most part, and was just shooting from the hip based on my gut reaction to the headlines. Who would've thought all 4 of you, my readers, would actually read the news stories and comment based on what was actually going on? Or perhaps you had already taken an interest in those stories? I don't know. I didn't find as much information in the articles as some of you had.

So I've been sick with something I can't figure out for the past week or so. I am just super tired all the time. I slept 12 hours on Saturday and 12 more on Sunday. You'd think by Monday I would've been feeling rested, but no, I wasn't. I stayed home sick on Monday and again today.

While staying in Alabama with family, I had been driving my mom's old blue car. Blue or gray, whatever the fuck it is, it's an old lady color. Anyway, it's a car The Wife particularly likes and I had been taking possession of it after my mom bought herself a new, gigantic monster police car to drive. It's way too big for her, as I told her when she asked my advice. She is nothing if not consistent. Every time she's ever asked for my advice, I tell her and she does the opposite of what I said. I knew she would, so I didn't pay much attention when she ignored me pointing out that she herself had complained endlessly when my father bought her a Cadillac. She felt it was too big. She couldn't handle it. I reminded her how much she had disliked large cars and how difficult they were for her to drive. So she promptly bought the giant police car, perhaps just to spite me, 'cause I'm The Man and she's gotta stick it to The Man. It's a feminist thing.

Mom, is that you?

Anyway, she bought this big-assed car and she can't drive it. And she wanted to just dump her very nice old car on anyone who would take it. Usually she gives all her cars to my oldest sister. But my sister was fed up with taking her old cars and didn't want it. I knew my wife wanted this thing so I said I'd take it. Well, let me back up, I knew my wife wanted this car several years ago. I've since bought her a brand new car and she doesn't need it anymore. But my 4x4 is taking a real beating driving back and forth to Memphis every week and it needed a break. So I said I'd take this car. It was in perfect shape, driven by a little old lady to church on Sundays and Weight Watchers on Tuesdays. I knew this to be a fact.

So, for the past few months I've noticed that my mother can't back her police car down her own driveway worth a shit. She swerves all over the fucking place. Whichever direction she shouldn't turn the wheel, that's where she turns it. The driveway is a 6 car drive, OK? It's fucking huge and wide. You can load it up like a parking lot with cars if you need to. But my mom, she swerves over every inch of it when she's backing out. She nearly hit my 4x4 one time when I was with her. So I have to park it on the grass.

Meanwhile, Mom's old car, the nice old lady blue car that I haven't even taken the title of yet, was parked WAAAAAAY at the very end of the drive, far away from her so she could see it very clearly when backing up.

You can guess where this is going.

Friday, after I had left for Memphis, Mom sideswiped the car with her new police cruiser. She scraped all the way down the side of the thing, ruining the entire driver's side with the passenger side of her big-assed cruiser, which doesn't exactly look pretty either now.

Wow, that's not pretty

Yay Mom! Way to go.

How do you tell an old lady that she shouldn't be driving anymore? How do you tell an old feminist that she shouldn't be driving the big-assed police cruiser she bought just because you said she probably shouldn't? I'll be damned if I know, so I'm just leaving her to it. God only knows who else she'll hit before she stops driving this battleship and asks for her old lady blue car back again. And when she does, it'll still be around, just a lot uglier and more torn up than it was before because she's hit it over and over.

In other Me News, my boss assigned me to carry a new Blackberry. I've never had a Blackberry before and he didn't give me any instructions with it, just the phone itself. So I've been having fun trying to figure this fucking thing out. Naturally the first thing I did was to tell people my new mobile number because, let's face it, if I'm going to have to carry this thing then I'm not carrying my cell phone, too. The first person I gave my new number to is Steph. Yeah, she's not ever gonna call it or text me or anything like that, and I already know this, but you know what they say, stalkers never give up.

Yep, long ago, back when Steph left us for awhile and I had a complete meltdown, I gave her every piece of information she might ever need to contact me. Or steal my identity. Whatever. I gave her every telephone number, email address, home address, work address and even my social security number, birth date and mother's maiden name, just in case she might need any of this to reach me for any reason at any time. She said 'thank you' and prompty clicked 'DELETE', much as all you ladies do whenever one of us pathetic types emails you a photo of our penis.

Why do we assume that just because we so very much want to see pictures of your hot, female bits, that you might also want to see pictures of our purple, throbbing man bits? It's a mystery. And also a shame that you don't feel the same way, 'cause guys will email just about anything to a woman once he decides she's hot.

I have nothing really to say. I've had nothing really to say all week. I had nothing really to say when I wrote my last post, but I had hoped it'd be OK anyway. It wasn't, though.

So, I guess that's it. My life is boring. And I have a blog to document that fact with. Yay.

Epic Fail - Mexican style

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A long-assed time ago, like 30 years or more, film director Roman Polanski had sex with a girl who was way too hot for him. And also a tad too young. So say California law enforcement agents. Citizens of the US, and especially prosecutors, have a real problem with men having sex with women or girls whom we deem to be much too hot for them. Or just men having sex and being happy in general. So we lock them up. In the old days, back when Mr. Polanski did the deed, we'd send cops to jump on him and beat the fuck out of him, before dragging him to jail to be ass-raped by homosexuals and tortured with cattle-prods by guards. Today, we send a couple of undersized and undertrained cops armed with Tasers to castrate the man right there on the spot, shooting him in the testicles with several Tasers at once and burning his genitals to a crisp while he falls to the floor and shakes in a hellish paralysis of pure sexual agony and burning human flesh. Not because of the sexual nature of his crime, but because we just do this to American men in general. We do it to all our citizens whenever police action is required. But hey, we don't torture in America! That is, if you are a terrorist or enemy agent. But if you are an American male, we'll sexually assault, torture and castrate you right in front of your own wife and children if we get the chance. Cause that's how we roll!

And then we'll video the whole thing and put it up on YouTube for a laugh.

Iran has stepped up its nuclear missile program in light of the election of President Barack Obama, whom they refer to affectionately as "the black Jimmy Carter." Apparently Iran feels that President Obama is a man who likes to 'dialogue' while Iranian scientists are busy at work developing nuclear warheads and Iranian military officials are happily buying missiles from Russia. When asked about this, President Jimmy Obama responded, "I'll have to sit down and have a talk with them."

American banks, responding to recent revelations that ACORN is nothing more than a criminal front for organized crime, have decided to temporilly stop doing business with their housing entities. At the same time, bank officials have expressed great interest in ACORN's burgeoning prostitution business.

Recent polls indicate that the majority of British subjects think Labor is a bunch of flaming communist poofs who should go get fucked. Unfortunately, Britians "center-right" Tories aren't offering a significant improvement, taking the "compassionate conservative" approach that American Republicans adopted in the late 1990s and early 21st century which led to a complete takeover by Marxist Democrats in 2006 and 2008.

A 14-year-old Oklahoma boy was locked in his home, often inside a closet, by his crazy feminist mother for 4 1/2 years because, he said, she feared he might escape and "have sex with girls." Apparently his mother is an avid watcher of American TV and has become convinced that all men are rapists and a pedophile is lurking around every corner, with a serial killer/rapist standing next to him. She didn't want her son to ever have a chance to become a rapist/serial killer/pedophile/sex slave trafficker, so she locked him up in the closet, until he finally escaped and ran to the neighbors where the police were called. Police psychiatrists say the mother appears to be an average American woman with the same overblown fears and faith in feminist propaganda that most American women have due, in no small part, to a feminized news media and drug-addicted television industry. "She loves watching 'Issues with Mary Javez-Mitchell on HLN' an unnamed police source was quoted as saying. 'She's your average, ordinary Obama supporter.'

Branded for life with a large scarlet letter "X" on their foreheads, Georgia men convicted of crimes that range from the hiring of a prostitute to teenaged boys having consensual sex with teenaged girls to actual sexual assault have been driven like witches into the forests surrounding Atlanta. "They simply have nowhere else to go," a Georgia probation official said. "They aren't allowed to move freely like other criminals whose sentences have been served, and they aren't allowed to live in the community like murderers and drug dealers and psychopathic women who cut off their husbands genitals are. Basically, they are treated like, and forced to live like, well, animals."

And me, too, because I long ago took a huge portion of my investment money out of the U.S. and put a chunk of it in Brazil and Mexico and several other countries not following the increasingly socialist policies of American 'leaders'. Let's all meet up in Saulo Paulo and have a big-assed party!

Connecticut, long a hotbed of misandric oppression and female-supremacist policy, is now proudly the home of one of America's few female bank robbers. Heather Brown, 34, has been captured after robbing 6 banks throughout the tiny, miserable state of Connecticut and spending all of the money on drugs and expensive shoes. Officials have already announced that they are declaring her "the real victim" and letting her go so she can do guest spots on Oprah and The View. Also, they are declaring the day of her first robbery, September 21st, to be "Heather Brown Day" in celebration of her achievements as a "strong independent woman."

False gang-rape accuser Danmell Ndonye will not be charged with a crime for falsely accusing 5 male students of gang-raping her, Nassau County District Attorney Kathleen Rice said in a written statement. "We don't punish women for doing wrong," Rice said, "and we can come up with endless excuses for why this is so. For example, other false rape accusers might be reluctant to admit they lied. Also, women who really are raped might be afraid to file charges. Also, the world is a Patriarchy and women don't have the power to hurt men with false accusations. Also, the voices in my head told me to let her go because Oprah Winfrey wants to interview her and NBC wants to do a movie about her life."

A Massachusetts man has been sentenced to 18 months in prison for stealing a hotdog from a man sitting under a tree, which is precisely 18 months longer than Danmell Ndonye, who falsely accused 5 innocent men of rape, and had them all arrested and charged, will serve for her crime.

President Barack Obama, in a shameless gift to the Teachers Labor Unions, said he supports lengthening the school year so that teachers can work more and make more money. Oh, and also maybe it'll help kids learn more and reduce teen violence by locking kids up year-round instead of letting them vacation with their families over the summer.

Sexual torture practice - isn't it fun? Wait till it's your turn

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It's a very sad thing to see a top-notch blog end. I know we all have our reasons for closing down when the time comes, but Ms. Smack is an icon out here in blogworld. She's decided to hang it up and say 'goodbye.' Even though I can still harass her on Facebook, it just isn't the same. I'm going to miss reading The Smack.

I've been trying something new here lately. I'm trying to figure out how to actually make some kind of difference for good. This is easier said than done as I have discovered that a middle class, white, male, with no media connections and no billionaire CEOs backing me, doesn't get much attention from anyone in politics. My own state governor, when asked to look into some basic human rights issues, effectively told me that he doesn't have the power to pass laws or oversee anything of that nature in the state of which he is governor. This is what is commonly known as 'passing the buck', or as I call it "begging to be impeached."

What is the deal with men's dress pants? I sat through a meeting with an attractive woman on my right, and an attractive woman on my left, and one of those weird men's pants 'pyramids' on my crotch that form whenever we sit down in dress pants. It makes it appear as if I have an erection. What am I supposed to do with this situation? Should I laugh and then just (gently) smash it flat with my hand? Should I scoot under the table, like men do with a real erection when it arises at such an inopportune time? Or should I do what I did, and just sit there ignoring it and assuming that both women knew it was just empty air and material? It's kind of embarassing. And apparently it's somewhat distracting for the women.

I've had a piece of glass stuck in the bottom of my foot for at least 6 months. It's microscopic and impossible for me to see. For a time I thought I had actually removed it, but I was wrong. I have been unable to run at all because my foot has been feeling bruised up until just recently, when I tried to solve this problem, only to make my foot hurt much, much worse. So, I'm going to see the father of a hot girl I knew in back school, a man who happens to be a foot doctor, in the hope that he can find the broken glass with some machine and then dig it out. It's in so deep that I can no longer point to exactly where the pain is and say "that's where you should cut." So, this is going to be loads of fun. Ever had a shot in the soul of your foot? I have. It's sort of like having your genitals pierce. It hurts.

It won't quit raining here in the Deep South. Atlanta, Georgia, has received so much rain that they've actually had fatalities associated with the flash floods. It's ironic because for over 10 years they've had drought and were reaching a critical water shortage. So they actually need this rain, just not quite so fast that it washes babies out of mother's arms and carries them to their deaths.

In case you're still reading this, first of all, thank you, and second, you may be wondering "where's the funny?" Well, I'm exhausted today and not feeling overly funny. I told every joke I know at the gym already and now I need some new ones. So, how about you write me a joke in the comments so I can go back to the gym and impress all the hard-bodies with my awesome sense of humor via new jokes I stole from you?

OK, so it takes more than jokes to impress women at the gym, but jokes are all I've got. I'm no Justin Timberlake, you know. Jessica Biel isn't going to give me the time of day if I'm not making her laugh.

Help! Toss me a joke before she kills me!

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If you have been tagged, you have the horror of copying all these goofy questions, writing your own response, and tagging 25 other victims. Blah blah blah --- fuck that.

1.What time did you get up this morning?Way : Damn Early AM

2.How do you like your steak?Dead and cooked, and then served to me by a sizzling hot naked supermodel

3.What was the last film you saw at the cinema?Inglourious Basterds, and fuck you for not reading my previous post

4.What is your favorite TV show?I like to hook up my video camera to the TV and watch myself watching myself. I call it "Deja Vu"

5.If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?Sydney, Australia, in Nicole Kidman's spare bedroom next door to Finger's house

6.What did you have for breakfast?Food and stuff. I was really sleepy so I'm lucky to remember that much.

7.What is your favorite cuisine?Italian, they're hot and spicy and usually have that thick, dark, long hair, full breasts and dark eyes .. wait what?

8.What foods do you dislike?crow

9.Favorite place to eat?The Table

10.Favorite dressing?Italian - I like to undress them myself

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?Depends on the day of the week. Sunday I was driving a 1970 Chevelle SS454. Monday I drove a big-assed 4x4. Tuesday I drove a gray grandma car and had to pass a Porsche Carrerra on the shoulder because dude was CRAWLING. I also have a banana yellow hearse and whenever I'm mad at my neighbors I park it right out in front of their house.

12.What are your favorite clothes?Whatever Jessica Biel is about to take off

13.Where would you visit if you had the chance?Australia - BC, Canada (hi Karina!) - New Zealand - Germany - Mars

14.Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?I prefer it filled up, but currently I've almost drank all of it. Time for a refill. Ah Caffeine, you make my life complete!

15.Where would you want to retire?My own mansion outside of Sydney, probably right off the beach, preferably a nude beach.

16.Favorite time of day?Whatever time involves a certain wife saying "let's do it"

17.Where were you born?Mom's vagina

18.What is your favorite sport to watch?Supermodel Lingerie Football - seriously, it's a real sport. They get bloody and everything.

19.Who do you think will not tag you back?Billy Mays, because he's dead

20.Person you expect to tag you back first?Jessica Biel, with another restraining order or perhaps her new C2 Taser

21.Who are you most curious about their responses to this?Jessica Biel

22.Bird watcher?No, Biel watcher

23.Are you a morning or night person?I'm ready to do it Morning, Noon and Night

24.Do you have any pets?See, I tried to make Jessica Biel my pet, but she didn't want to and then this whole FBI and restraining order stuff started and it was all just too much trouble.

25.Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?If that was your hood that my camera bounced off of on the highway yesterday, I apologize. I paid $15 for it and it wasn't even worth that much. ARGH!

26.What did you want to be when you were little?Bigger

27.What is your best childhood memory?Smoking cigarettes in the playhouse. No wait, that was BAD BAD! Maybe it was climbing trees and not having any real stress in life besides my mom being crazy and Dad hating me and all that.

28.Are you a cat or a dog person?I used to have a Cat Stevens album, but then I decided I liked 3 Dog Night better. Yes, I said album, as in fucking vinyl.

29.Are you married?If not then there is an Italian woman living in my house and sleeping in my bed that seems to think she has the right to tell me what to do with my weekends and I want this stopped.

30.Always wear your seat belt?Ever since 5th grade when I nearly got run over by a girl running from the police who clipped the curb in front of Weatherly Elementary, slid across her driver's seat, and had to reach over and grab her steering wheel with her left hand and pull herself back behind the wheel, coming up the curb and within 6 inches of killing me in the process I do. If she had hit me then this meme would written by Tommy Garrett and say "ever since I saw this crazy girl slide across her car and run over Steve Jones"

31.Been in a car accident?I'm convinced some of them weren't entirely accidents, but when the bitch is nearly 70 and playing the "I'm old and would NEVER ram someone on purpose" card, so I had to let it slide. I wasn't at all surprised when she said she was a retired school teacher. Pent up aggression much?

36.Favorite fast food restaurant?Memphis has cured me of any desire to bother with so-called "fast" food.

37.How many times did you fail your driver's test?I was so drunk, I don't even remember. But so was the instructor, so it's all good.

38.From who did you get your last email?My boss, telling me the fantasy football automated draft has begun. Apparently I'm not even choosing my own players.

39.Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?Victoria's Secret, 'cause I hear some of those models can be bought. Too bad Heidi is pregnant right now. She's hawt.

40.Do anything spontaneous lately?Farted in the hallway. Does that count? I sure wasn't expecting it.

41.Like your job?I like the fact that I have one. I like the fact that I work with intelligent engineer-type people again.

42.Broccoli?What's her first name? Are you talking about the Broccolis that produce all the James Bond movies?

43.What was your favorite vacation?I don't know. The cruise across the Caribbean was cool. Ontario was cool. I mean literally, it was cool. No wonder they play so much hockey. Anyway, this past trip to Florida was cool. Not literally. I don't have a favorite yet.

44.Last person you went out to dinner with?Justin Timberlake, because he said he wanted to 'talk to me' about this 'problem' with me following Jessica Biel around all the time. The only problem I see is that this turd is sleeping in my spot in her bed.

45.What are you listening to right now?The Sounds of Silence

46.What is your favorite color?Red, especially if it comes wrapped around a musclecar or supermodel or my penis in the form of supermodel lips

47.How many tattoos do you have?None that I know of or consented to.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?Wait a minute and we'll both know

49.What time did you finish this quiz?10:06 am

50.Coffee drinker?Yes, but only when I need the caffeine. I don't care about it otherwise.

51.Favorite self quote?That was no accident. THAT was a dive with a hook-kick to the groin. And THESE are the most powerful pain killers they're allowed to give me. They said it was because a separated shoulder is so painful. I said 'what separated shoulder? Do you see me holding my shoulder?' Apparently this bone isn't supposed to be sticking up like this.

And now for an example of why you should have listened to your mother when she said "I don't want you playing with that boy. He is NOT your friend ..."

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I had seen several advertisements for this film and wasn't really all that compelled to go see it. But somehow or other, I ended up paying $9 to see this thing anyway. Hey, it was a Saturday night and I was bored, OK? Anyway, so Brad Pitt has a lousy Tennessee accent and he recuits a bunch of Jews to go to Germany and cut off the scalps of German soldiers. Meanwhile, this Jewish girl is hiding under the floorboards of a house when the Nazis come and shoot her entire family, who is also hiding under the floorboards. But she escapes. The Nazi officer likes her hot ass, so he doesn't shoot her. Later, after she and her black boyfriend have taken over a cinema in France, the Nazis show up again. And lo and behold, that Nazi who likes her hot ass is with them, only amazingly he does not seem to recognize that hot ass, which I personally found highly unlikely. So anyway, everyone dies, including her and her boyfriend. But Brad Pitt lives and he carves a swastika into the forehead of the Nazi who killed the Jewish girl's entire family, only to not recognize her fine, hot ass when next they met. Yeah, the Nazi lives, too. But the girl with the hot ass dies. What the fuck?

Burn After Reading

I saw the ads and I said "what the fuck is this about?" Yeah, well you did the same thing. I know you did. And then none of us went to see it, right? Yep, but I saw it last weekend. Soooo, how to explain what it's about? Did you see Fargo? Remember how it was like "holy shit, what the hell are they gonna do next?" Yeah, well it's just like that, except without the guy getting stuffed into the woodchipper. In fact, it was made by the same band of Jewish brothers who made Fargo, Raising Arizona, and a host of other really wild movies. And they used a lot of the same actors and actresses for those movies, too. So anyway, if you skipped it because the ads never really made it clear what the movie was about, take my advice and go ahead and see it. If nothing else I can guarantee you won't be able to predict the ending. Or even the middling. It didn't have a lot of hot ass in it, but the story moves along prety well and you never get bored. Oh,and also, Brad Pitt, who did not die in "Inglourious Basterds" gets his head blown off in this film. BONUS!

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

I read the book almost 2 years ago. It was a very good book. In the movie version, it was good to see Hermoine grown up to a legal age, because let's face it, all the grown men in the audience are quietly thinking about whether they'd hit that or not. And they have mostly concluded that, in fact, they would hit that. The movie was very well done. Yes, it's darker than the previous ones, meaning that it has more black people in it. Also, it kind of has to be darker in the depressing sense when you are at war and killing major characters. Hey, death is depressing. Your kids can handle it. Just don't let them catch you bawling or perving on Hermoine. And don't bitch when the movie ends, ok? It's a 700+ page book. Of course they had to end it with things unresolved. Get over it. There's another movie next summer that'll end this saga once and for all. Just wait 12 more months. It's going to be huge. And Hermoine's breasts should be a whole year older by then, too, and hopefully a little bigger.

No creepy old dudes, please!

Watchmen

This movie was adapted from a graphic novel written back in the 1980s. The movie studios, true to standard movie studio tradition, wanted the story updated for the modern day, using modern tried and true formulas to make money. So the filmmaker said, "fuck that shit." And thank God he did.

It's been a long, long time since I've seen a movie that didn't follow a tired old Hollywood formula where I could predict the story every step of the way. It's been even longer since I've seen anything that I couldn't pretty easily predict 'whodunnit'. With this film, I had no idea what was going to happen and I was completely surprised by who did it, how they did it, and how it turned out.

You know what else it's been a long time for? It's been a long time since I've seen a movie where a hot chick gets naked and fucks a guy. And this film had that. YES!

I was also completely surprised by how unheroic the 'heroes' were, and by the fact that this was at least partially what the point of the story was. Heroes who do evil things aren't really heroes, despite the mask and cape. And a world in which superpowered individuals existed would undoubtably involve interesting, but twisted politics.

I'm not going to tell you what happens. I will tell you that you damn well better not take your kids to see this movie. There is more penis in this film than a gay porn flick. There's an attempted rape featuring a female superhero getting punched in the face, complete with lots of blood. There's a vicious groin shot unrelated to the rape, although, thank God, there were no fucking Tasers involved. There's murders of the sort you'd expect to see in "Kill Bill", complete with flying blood. There's plenty of nudity. It's dark and serious and not exactly a story that kids are going to understand. But I can almost guarantee you, you have never seen anything quite like it.

Black Snake Moan

Have you seen this movie? Yeah, so it came out in 2006 and I am way behind. But I asked you a question. Have you seenthis movie?

It stars Samuel Jackson and Christina Ricci. I had seen the ads. I heard a few bloggers comment on it. I had skipped it and forgotten it. Then I stumbled across it entirely by accident.

Holy shit! This is a great movie!

It doesn't follow the standard Hollywood 'formula' in any way, shape, or form. It's about a poor black blues musician who finds a white girl lying half-naked and unconscious in the road in front of his house. He takes her inside and tries to doctor her up. The story gets more interesting from there. I'm not going to tell you what happens, but I will tell you that it's cool.

Oh, and Christina shows her titties. BONUS!

US Navy Arrests Somali Pirate

Our American navy shot 3 Somali pirates who were holding an American captain hostage. They captured a fourth pirate and have brought him to America to stand trial. Apparently hijacking and robbing merchant vessels is considered a legitimate means of earning a living in backwards countries like Somalia, where law and order are subservient to criminals. Good thing we don't allow that sort of thing here in America.

captured pirate

Vermont Legalizes Gay Marriage

Vermont becomes the 4th U.S. state to legalize gay marriage, with the elected state representatives voting it into law. That's the first time anywhere in the U.S. that anyone remembered the actual correct way to pass a law if you don't want rioting in the streets. It's funny, because Vermont is mostly a huge fuck-up state, but they nailed this one. It's like this, people vote for their reps, the reps vote on the issues, the vote determines what, if any, changes there are in the law. Then everyone is happy. If the reps get way out of touch with the people they represent, the people get a chance to vote them out. Then ACORN comes in, dead people vote in huge numbers, and the next thing you know your lousy state representative is in the United States Senate. Fuck yeah.

Angry Nazi-accusation-throwing Nancy "stretch" Pelosi says she's worried by all the violent language being thrown around by people she disagrees with on the subject of government-controlled healthcare. She says it reminds her of a long, long time ago before most of us were born when hippies were running around tripping on acid and cops would bash their heads in with nightsticks. Then she began singing some old Donavan song no one younger than 60 ever heard and started popping Valiums. Same ole same ole.

Paul McCartney is still the most loved of all the Beatles, considered gracious and kind. Yoko Ono, meanwhile, is still the most hated old skank of all former and present Beatles wives. No big surprise here.

When the Governor of Massachusetts was a Republican, the communist Democrat House and Senate voted to change the law and not allow the Governor to appoint a replacement Senator. Then a communist Democrat became Governor. Then Senator Teddy "woman killer" Kennedy died, leaving his Senate seat open. Suddenly the communist Democrats wanted to reverse the law they had themselves reversed just recently, and let their communist leader appoint a new communist Democrat to replace Senator Kennedy and restore their 60 vote filibuster-proof majority in the U.S. Senate. Confused? It's simple. Communist Democrats, who declare themselves to be the Party of the People, don't trust The People to elect the 'right' candidate, that is, their candidate, so they want to make the decision for them, not bothering with any of this democracy nonsense.

An enterprising gay man with a penchant for young boys, Douglas Perlitz, 39, decided to let the system bring his lovers to him, rather than having to go out and dredge them up the hard way. So he set up a home for Haitian children and filled it with juicy little black boys. He molested the boys for 10 years, even traveling to foreign countries for some lovely underaged sexcapades. Now he faces 10 counts related to the sexual abuse of nine boys, a job offer from the Walt Disney Corporation, and the possibility of becoming the Democratic Party's nominee to replace deceased Teddy "The Lake" Kennedy as United States Senator from the state of Massachusetts.

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Once a week I meet some college friends for lunch. Almost every time we eat, we go to the same restaurant. I don't recall who chose it or why, but now we seem to be stuck with it.

Every time we go to this restaurant, the TVs, which are in every corner, are blasting the news. But it's not just any news. It's not even real news. No, it's CNN's HLN, and it's annoying as all hell.

HLN is the network I've been slamming on all year for talking endlessly about Octomom, where's Haleigh, where's Caylee, where's Bailey, where's that girl who disappeared in Mexico whose name I can't even remember but I think it rhymed with 'Haylee' too. It's all they ever talk about.

There are piles and piles of interesting crime stories involving men and boys being slaughtered and Tasered and tortured, but to the folks at HLN those stories don't even exist. No sir, in amongst the thousands of male victims of violent and vicious crimes, including sex crimes, is a lone female, either very young and pretty or all grown up and hot. And it is her story that must be told!

Sex offenders kidnap, torture, rape and kill countless little boys each year in the United States, and countless not-so-cute little girls, but for a year all we heard about was one missing cute little girl. The next year it was another missing cute little girl. This past year has been huge for HLN. A couple of cute little girls have turned up missing - Bonus! You can get hysterical over it when they're cute. Not so much when they're ugly or male.

And it is all-they-talk-about day after day after day after day.

Caylee's hot murdering mom, Casey

When the just-retired NFL quarterback, Steve McNair, was murdered by his crazy girlfriend, it was as clear a case of domestic violence as anyone could ask for. After all, isn't Oprah always saying a 'partner' who hits will eventually kill? Yeah, so this man was murdered by a psycho girlfriend. What greater abuse is there than murder? Great domestic violence story, right?

Wrong! They didn't even mention it. They were too busy hating on Octomom.

But right this moment they're talking about OJ Simpson. Remember OJ? Fifteen years ago he killed his ex-wife. Fifteen years ago! Steve McNair was murdered just this year. Matthew Winkler was murdered by his wife just 2 years ago. But there's no time to discuss either of them because we have to talk about OJ killing Nicole.

HLN anchor Jane Velez-Mitchell was on today talking about the recent case of the missing Yale student, Annie Le, a girl whose murdered body was just yesterday found hidden in a wall in a Yale building. Over the past month there have been countless murders of men in the news, including a man protesting against abortion who was murdered in front of a whole group of high school students. HLN never even acknowledged these cases. And this week all they're talking about all day long is Annie Le.

Annie Le

As I write this, HLN's favorite anchor, Jane Velez-Mitchell is on screaming there is a "war of terror on the women of our society." She has been hysterically screaming that there is a "war on women" in the United States of America ever since they hired her.

She says there is a "pyschological burka" that women in America are forced to wear because men are preying on them constantly and everywhere.

I could not make this shit up. I'm listening to her as I write this. She's crazy and in desperate need of psychological help. Comparing the richest, most powerful women in the history of the world to the impoverished women of various Middle Eastern countries who are forced by law to wear burkas? Comparing the richest, most powerful people in the history of the world, all of whom just happened to be Western women, with some of the world's most oppressed? Can she be serious??? These 'oppressed' women have their own fucking television networks, for Christ's sake!

She's screaming that women are dying in large numbers and insisting that President Obama and our media are silent about it. Seriously?? Our first lesbian president doesn't care about women? Are you sure?? Our Congress passed the very unconstitutional Violence Against Women Act, which was based on the very same hysterical and misandric lies that are being spewed here on HLN and yet despite this violation of the rights of all males she still thinks this? It flies in the face of Reason. It's a giant kick in the crotch to Truth.

Over 80 percent of all violent crimes in America ever since the first day the Feds began keeping track of crime statistics has been crimes against males. Less than 20 percent of violent crimes are committed against women. It has consistently been this way. It will always be this way in this society unless something profound happens that pushes men as a group to truly hate women as a group. What that could be, I don't know, because despite 50 years of screaming hysterical hatred of men coming from American women, American men still love them.

Anyway, it was while listening to Jane Velez-Mitchell that I finally figured out what HLN stands for. It stands for the Hysterical Lesbian Network.

Right at this moment, while I sit here typing, Jane has a panel of 6 women all sitting around screaming hysterically about how this Yale student's death is proof that there is a war on women and that every woman in America is perpetually afraid, constantly in danger, and always men are to blame.

Keep in mind, we don't even know yet who killed the girl. We're assuming it was a man, but they've already made up their minds that it's some kind of rapist serial killer preying on women everywhere.

The high pitched screaming is about to make my eardrums bleed. Jesus, bring it down an octave or three, please!

Now Jane is screaming that women should be marching in the streets, screaming for justice, screaming hysterically because one woman was murdered in the middle of a city with a significant crime problem in which someone dies violently almost every day. But most of those people are male, and of those that are females very few are cute* and compelling like this one. So Jane ignores them.

* I've been to Yale and walked all around New Haven, Connecticut. Trust me, there are hardly any cute women there. In fact, the entire state of Connecticut has a notable lack of attractive heterosexual females. Seriously, it's really noticable.

Well, according to her bio on HLN, Jane is an alcoholic, lesbian, PETA, vegan with a really freaky hairstyle. Or rather, she's a recovering alcoholic, which is to say, you shouldn't invite her out for shots because she'll definitely go and then drink you under the table before plunging her car keys into your throat as she screams "there's a WAR against women, you pig!"

So, that explains A LOT. This woman has severe psychological problems and needs help. Otherwise, she's going to spend the rest of her life screaming in terror at every shadow and imagined phantom with a penis.

On her show tonight she's surrounded herself with 6 other misandric lesbian feminists, none of whom understand anything about male-female relationships, as they repeatedly demonstrate with the ridiculous feminist myths and stereotypes they keep screaming over one another on the air. Apparently being a lesbian feminist is a requirement for being on HLN, but so is a propensity for becoming hysterical and screaming over the top of the other hysterical screaming lesbian feminists sitting next to you. The end result is a high-pitched screamfest in which no one gets a word in edgewise, but there's lots and lots of tension. And there's lots and lots of irrational fear. I guess some people consider 7 shrill women screaming irrationally in terror to be entertaining.

According to HLN, hiring Jane Velez-Mitchell has actually raised their ratings, transforming them from a news network into a network whose only purpose is to terrify women with ridiculous myths about armies of evil, murderous, raping men around every corner and behind every door, always on the prowl. If this is true, then it would seem to play to an old stereotype about women, one which we have all been told again and again is 'chauvinistic' and unfair. The success of the screaming, illogical, irrational, sexist, misandric bullshit that is being promoted by Jane and HLN would seem to indicate that women in general tend to be irrational and hysterical.

Oh no you di'nt!

I'm thinking about this revelation while listening to Jane and her grrlz vomiting tired old feminist bullshit about the boogeyMEN of the world, and I've begun to draw a connection between their illogical and hysterical lies and the illogical hysteria of Oprah, Tyra Banks, The View, the Oxygen Network, the Lifetime Network, CBS, ABC, and pretty much every women's studies book ever written.

What is it about the myth of a war on women that so many women find appealing? Why are they consistently drawn to scary tales of raping devilmen, always purely evil, and angelic women, always purely innocent, with the angelic women helplessly dying in a violent sexual frenzy at the hands of the mythical devilmen and their penises? I mean, we have entire television networks dedicated to this lie. Not just this one, but several. This celebration of irrational fear of males is everywhere. Our law schools are teaching feminist myths in the classroom. From there, these myths are then being written into law based on the feminist myth of the always evil males and always pure and helpless females. Every politician in this country claims the lies are true because to speak the truth and deny it would be political suicide. It would be blasphemy.

Hate sells. Hysterical fears based on ridiculous stereotypes of males brings in the female audiences in droves. Oprah is one of the richest women in the world because of this love of hysterical idiotic bullshit. At what point do women get tired of all the shrill screaming about how evil males are, how innocent and pure females are, and how helpless these rich and powerful women are because of some mythical male conspiracy to keep the women down and rape them? When will Americans finally say "enough of this"? Or will we just keep on until we've burned this country to the ground with our madness?

You know, I started writing this with the idea being just to make fun of HLN and Jane Velez-Mitchell, but after watching her show for the past hour, I honestly feel sorry for her.

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I had a dream about my dad the other night. It's been awhile. I was in my mom and dad's house upstairs in the kitchen. I was facing the sink looking out the window when my dad walked in. He was looking for something, a screwdriver or something.

I don't know what it was.

I turned to look at him and said, "Hi Dad, I haven't seen you in a long time. How'd it going?"

He didn't turn to me, I suppose because he rarely did when he was doing something. Dad had a one track mind. Plus, he was an engineer. So when his one-track-mind was being applied to working on a problem, well, good luck in distracting him.

So I was looking at my dad. His hair on top was black with gray on the sides. And he was wearing his old horn-rimmed glasses. He must have been in his late forties or so. I don't know why I dreamed him at that stage of his life, but there he was, late forties, pulling a screwdriver out of the drawer in the kitchen.

He found the screwdriver and said something to me about trying to fix something, or being busy. Then he headed out of the kitchen. So I followed him, wanting to talk to him.

"I haven't seen you in a long time," I said. "What are you working on?"

"I'm kind of busy," he said, as he started down the stairs. So I went with him.

In all my previous dreams about my dad, he was about the age he was when he died. And he was walking along with me, trying to talk to me while I carried boxes and boxes of stuff to my car, or from my car into my new house which I had just bought in my dream. He was trying to give me advice, like he so enjoyed doing. Only I couldn't hear him. I could see him speaking and I was aware that I was listening, but I couldn't hear any words. I don't know what he was saying. I only know that it seemed important to him to talk to me, perhaps to say "goodbye."

The house I dreamed about moving into, I dreamed long before we found the house we live in now. And when I bought this house, I realized that it was almost the identical house from my dream. It was as if my dad helped me find it and wanted to make sure I bought it. Or perhaps he was warning me not to? I don't know.

Once I bought my new house and moved in, all dreams of my dad stopped. He was just gone. And I began to become increasingly aware of how many things I only ever talked about with him. I had so many things I wanted to tell him, or show him, but he was gone and now I have no one to talk with about any of it.

2 years later and I dream about my dad again, but he's 30 years younger and obviously too busy to talk with me. I'm following him, wanting desperately to talk with him. I can hear him this time. I can hear every word he's saying.

I don't know what my dad was working on. It seemed mighty important to him. If there's anything to dreams and people who have died appearing in your dreams then I'm wondering what was so important that he needed tools and had to run downstairs.

But the main thing I remember from that dream was how everything had gone back to the way it was before, when I was a little kid and he was still a relatively young and healthy man, back when I would follow after him trying to get his attention. It never occurred to me how things had switched around before he died, how he wanted to talk to me, wanted a few minutes of my time to talk, and how I was always so busy and impatient and irritated when he couldn't hear me or understand me because his hearing was going.

I don't know if there's anything to dreams. I don't know if dead people showing up in my dreams has any significance or is simply my memories and imagination combining to make images that make some kind of sense to my brain. I just know it was nice to see my dad again. And I wonder what he was doing that was so important.

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A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera...

They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief said, "Simple --- they were at work."

* Yes, yes, I KNOW, this joke is just so wrong on so many levels. Cut me some slack. I had a deep, heart-felt post about something else up here that I had stayed up until 1:30 am writing, only to have to pull and replace it as a favor to a friend. Cut me some slack, you PC biatches!

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Just the other day I was contemplating an old friend who had simply pretended not to know me on Facebook. We were in college together. We went on trips together. I've been to her house. We've spent hours and hours together, staying up all night playing cards, talking about life and God and interracial dating.

And yet, there was no denying that she had rejected my friend request. I sent it to her months ago. I encountered her again after she left a comment on a mutual friend's page and I clicked on her name. I thought maybe I had only imagined sending her a friend request, so I sent another. But after I thought about it, I remembered. She had rejected me, flat out.

Do you remember back in school, hanging out with various groups of people, probably the people you called your friends? Do you remember wondering about some of them, whether they really were your friend or simply someone who tolerated you because you both had a mutual friend? Back when you were younger you probably didn't ask them if they considered themself to be your friend. Even if you had asked, they probably would have lied in order to spare your feelings and avoid a confrontation.

But then along came Facebook.

Thanks to Facebook, now you can finally know. Was she your friend, or did she secretly despise you? Did he only tolerate you hanging around because he wanted to fuck your sister, or did he actually think you were OK?

Face-to-face, in the real world, people lie their asses off. They smile in your face, pat you on the back, maybe even hug you 'hello' when you walk into a place where they didn't expect to see you.

Oh, they knew you were in town. They knew how to reach you. But they didn't want to reach you. They didn't want to see you. They were hoping you wouldn't find out they were around. And when you stumbled across them accidentally, they were all toothy smiles and "oh hiiiiiiii." Then, as soon as they could, they made their excuses and ran out the door, leaving you far behind as they drove to another place where they no doubt talked shit about you.

I think most everyone comes to a point in life where you look back and reevaluate your former friendships. There is a level of maturity where you begin to see things as they truly are, even when it hurts you. Kids don't handle rejection well. Youth wants more than anything to be loved and accepted. But a stressed-out man with a mortgage and an Italian mother-in-law hasn't got the luxury of denial.

Old acquaintences on Facebook will accept my friend requests, only to drop me a day or so later without explanation. Sometimes they reject me right up front, again without any explanation. People follow my blog, only to get angry when I write a political or religious view they disagree with, so they drop me in a huff. Random Twitteratti follow me for no particular reason, not knowing who I am half the time, only to reject me within a few days because I'm almost never there. We've stripped away so much bullshit, so much false friendship, so much denial.

No, not everyone loves you. Not everyone wants to be your friend. Not all of the people you like are going to like you back. And now, thanks to the internet, there's no more pretending.

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It isn't my best work, certainly not my most creative, but today I posted at Burt's Stache. If you've got the time, I've got the news. Check it out and leave a comment. You can even tell me how much it sucked, although naturally I'm hoping you'll lie and tell me I'm great.

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Some days, when the shit is hitting the fan and there is more shitting coming, along comes someone or something to grant you temporary salvation. Today that someone is Utegirl and that something is the award she has given to me.

It seems that I am an inspirational blogger, a motivational speaker, a recreational user, a retarded person with a computer and a few minor HTML skills. And for that I am mighty proud!

Miss Ute wrote eloquently about how my blog inspires her and makes her laugh. And I appreciate what she said. It isn't often that I can make a girl laugh without resorting to dropping my pants. I feel almost accomplished or something. And significantly less drafty and humiliated.

So now it is my turn to give this award to the blog or blogs that inspire me.

I am old in Blog years and often get my blogs confused, the old and the new, the current and the retired. I know, you all expect me to talk endlessly and with a tear in my eye about the great Steph of MuchAdo and all of that. But Steph is gone and all my crying won't change her mind. So believe it or not, and I know this will shock many of you nearly to the point of peeing yourselves, but I'm actually going to try to limit my list to blogs that aren't shut down already. I shit you not.

The Bloggess - there are blogs that are witty and blogs that are pretty and blogs that are shitty, but The Bloggess is the kind of WTF funny that I wish I could be. And amazingly enough, she's that kind of funny every damn day. I'd hate her if I weren't too busy laughing at the wild-assed shit she cranks out on her blog. Seriously, if you haven't read her you then need to stop reading this and go check her out. No wait, don't do that. Read to the end, leave me a fucking comment, and THEN go check her out. And tell her I sent you, too. I don't think she even knows who I am.

Fingers and his Whine Guide - yes, yes, I know I said current blogs, but the man has not officially retired. He's just been busy. And he did update just this week, in fact. The man is funny. I don't care if you want to nag him for not posting as often as he used to, especially since he wouldn't care even if you did. He's funny in a way that let's him call you nasty names and still you laugh. That's hard to do. You truly have to have some sort of personality disorder to pull that off. And he's got it in spades, brother. You know he's funny. If you don't, it's because you haven't read him before.

Utegirl - hey, hey! What is with this "pay it backwards" thing? Yeah, so she gave me the award and now I'm giving it right back. Get over it, biatch! She's a good writer. She writes about stuff I wouldn't know otherwise. For instance, who knew Ford never stopped building the Falcon just because there aren't any over here in The People's Republica of America? And who knew every single car offered in Australia is offered in a 'ute' version, with 2 seats and a pickup bed in back? Can you imagine a Lexus or Mercedes like that? Wild, man!

Unique Stephen - This Australian blogger has already lived the life I wanted. He's not even nearly done with it yet and already he's done more and seen more than I ever will. It hardly seems fair. If he didn't supply me with high quality porn I'd probably hate him for his fabulous life. He's a good 'mate' and that's a fact. And a damn good blogger, too, which is what this award is all about, after all.

Oceanaria, Krista has been writing for about as long as I have, I suppose. I can't remember a time when I was blogging and wasn't already reading her. She's so calm, laid back, and creative. It's hard to explain what it's like to read her all these years, but she's unique. I like Krista and I like her style. She's artistic as hell and it shows in the way she expresses herself on her blog. Oh, and also she's hot.

XL - XL always impresses me. He'll blog about almost anything, every meal he's had since he was seven, or every car he's ever driven while drunk, or all the different styles of ladies underwear he's ever hung from a ceiling fan. It doesn't seem to matter what it is, he manages to make it fascinating. And then I, being the sort of guy I am, shamelessly steal it and blog the same thing as if I thought of it. The problem is, almost everyone who reads my blog also reads his, so I never get away with it. Dammit!

Anywhere But Here - If I remember correctly, I may have very well discovered Steph of MuchAdo over on this blog. Or perhaps it was the other way around. Either way, I love this girl. If not for her I never would have known that there even was a Western Canada where beautiful, intelligent, non-French-Canadian crazies live and thrive. I honestly thought that once you got to that half, all there was is Cirque du Soleil and bitchy women with sexy accents. This blog has a laid back style that I like very much. She relaxes me. And we have talked off and on for years. I'll be honest, I just like her. She's cool. You'll like her, too, though. She's an honest-to-God professional writer of sorts. She gets paid sometimes, whereas I just get spammed. Oh, and yes, she's very, very hot. In fact, last August she was featured in "Self" magazine wearing a bikini. Also, she had a bit part in the pilot episode of "House". Seriously, she's both hot and cool.

Ms Smack - This wild and crazy blogger has been accused of hacking every blog West of the Pecos. And it has taken me over a year to learn the story behind that whole "Hacked by Smack" tale of high seas adventure and international intrigue. She's slowed down a bit, as have many of us after so many years of pouring out our every thought onto the internet, but she's still one of the all-time greats. Go get Smacked!

Bit Player Reflects - Spiky is all heart. Lots and lots of heart. And a little bit of sex, as well. OK, a lot of sex. But there's no denying that Spiky has got a big, big heart and it is a wonderful thing. I love Spiky. She's the social butterfly of the blog world, always popping up in all the best places, at all the best parties, or else making her own over on her blog. Check her out and she'll be your friend for life.

Steph Does Blogger - and then there's this one, the new Steph, who is actually the old Steph who had a hilarious blog back years ago before The Steph ever registered on my radar, only to disappear into oblivion for no apparent reason. And now, from out of nowhere, she's BACK! Check her out. She's coarse and mean and cusses like an Australian sailor and reminds me of a female version of Fingers. Seriously, this girl is damned funny.

I have to stop here. There or many others, but I keep thinking back and remembering so many great, but long gone blogs of the past. And there are several fabulously creative and hilarious blogs that are currently alive and well, but whose URL I can't find at the moment. It's making me insane.

Oh, and here's another reason I have to stop. My damn list on the left-hand side of my blog keeps losing blogs that I input for it to keep me updated on. For example, here's an AWESOME blog that dropped off for no apparent reason:

There are several others, and one that moved at least 3 times that I cannot find. At one point she called herself Compulsively Yours, but now I've lost her completely. And on top of this, there are many blogs that have already been given this award to several times. I don't want to just repeat what everyone else has said. Where's the fun in that?

So there you have it. Thank you, Utegirl, for this award. And now I give it away to all of the blogs I mentioned above.

* Fuck, I think I must have been on drugs or something when I wrote this. I misspelled everything and my grammar is crap. Well anyway, get over it. This shit is free.

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