Script

George R.R. Martin Responds to "Game of Thrones" Backlash

By CH Staff

TITLE: THREE MINUTES WITH GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN sips from a goblet & looks up from his
book. His monologue is punctuated with lots of JUMP CUTS,
CLOSE-UPs, and silly B-ROLL.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Recently I've been receiving some
"e-ravens" on Twitter about the
events of the Red Wedding!
A raven "caw"s OS and drops a scroll to George.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Thanks Copernicus! Ahem: "OMG I'M
DONE WATCHING GAME OF THRONES!
GEORGE RR MARTIN IS SICK!"
He shakes his head.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
I'm sorry you feel that way! You
know what always cheers me up? A
nice cup of warm cocoa.
He holds up a MUG of hot chocolate. His eyes widen.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Oh, look! And it's in your favorite
mug. The one you've treasured and
grown attached to.
He SMASHES the mug. INTENSE CLOSE UP on Martin. He seethes.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
It's gone now! You loved it and I
took it away. That's what I do!
Back to normal.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Heck, I understand why you're
upset, Internet. You embraced my
show, just like you embraced Ryan
Gosling and Benedict Cumberbatch
who, by the by, I murdered and
baked into these two pies.
Another intense CU on Martin.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Your sorrow is my playground. Your
tears, the fountain I frolic in.
Back to normal.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Don't worry. There are still plenty
of heroic Stark children... left to
eliminate. Let's read ahead...
In a series of cuts, George looks through a book and
outlines the fate of the Starks.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Sansa's dress catches on fire. She
dies. // Jon Snow is crushed by a
big rock. He dies. // A wizard
turns Bran into a bug. He gets
squashed. He dies. // Aria decides
to give up her revenge and begs
Joffrey to go on a date with her.
He doesn't. He kills her. She dies.
// And Rickon Stark... who's
Rickon? (reads book) Is he the...
Ah, who cares.
George is tangled in his suspenders.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Guys. I'm stuck in my suspenders.
Cut to later.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Keep testing me. I'm the one with
the pen! Maybe Tyrion, Davos and
Brienne go over a cliff in a wagon.
Land on Daenerys. Her dragons die
of broken hearts. I could write
that.
Close-up:
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Also, here are the characters whose
dicks get chopped off:
An extremely long list of names scrolls downscreen rapidly
(too fast to read) as "Spanish Flea" plays. Hold for a long
time. Martin waits patiently. Intense close-up:
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
I write it and it's real! I am the
Red God! And not just because of
this rash.
He starts to lift his shirt. We CUT TO a "Censored" screen.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Why does everyone care about the
Starks so much? King Joffrey's the
good guy!
Martin caresses his beard deviously.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Even now, I'm plotting devious ways
too-
(distracted by something in
his beard)
Oh! It's a Matchbox car. I think my
nephew was looking for this.
Martin holds up a tray of nachos.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
So from now on, every complaint I
hear is another plate of nachos I
put away. No way my arteries hold
out for another two books. Every
chip is another page I won't write!
He dangles chips into his mouth one at a time.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
Mmmm. That was Danerys finally
sailing to Westeros. Mmm. And this
one's Jon Snow meeting his true
mother. Mmm, cheesy! And this
one's, got jalepeno on it. These
are good. Why was I talking?
He's distracted by the nachos; continues eating them. VINNIE
(with headphones) enters frame.
VINNIE
George? G-george?
TITLE: THREE MINUTES WITH GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
END.