I was driving on the freeway in the fast laneWith a rabid wolverine in my underwearWhen suddenly a guy behind me in the back seatPopped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes

I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?""Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?""Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?"I probably would have kept on guessingBut about that time we crashed into the truck

And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphaltFinally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealerWho takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me

Everything you know is wrongBlack is white, up is down and short is longAnd everything you thought was just soImportant doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrongJust forget the words and sing alongAll you need to understand isEverything you know is wrong

I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden GrahamsWhen I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimensionAnd soon I was abducted by some aliens from spaceWho kinda looked like Jamie Farr

They sucked out my internal organsAnd they took some polaroidsAnd said I was a darn good sportAnd as a way of saying thank youThey offered to transport me back toAny point in history that I would care to go

And so I had them send me back to last Thursday nightSo I could pay my phone bill on timeJust then the floating disembodied head ofColonel Sanders started yelling

Everything you know is wrongBlack is white, up is down and short is longAnd everything you thought was just soImportant doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrongJust forget the words and sing alongAll you need to understand isEverything you know is wrong

I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twinWhen I got a nasty papercutAnd, well, to make a long story shortIt got infected and I died

So now I'm up in heaven with St. PeterBy the pearly gatesAnd it's obvious he doesn't likeThe Nehru jacket that I'm wearingHe tells me that they've got a dress code

Well, he lets me into heaven anywayBut I get the room next to the noisy ice machineFor all eternityAnd every day he runs by screaming

Everything you know is wrongBlack is white, up is down and short is longAnd everything you used to think was so importantDoesn't really matter anymoreBecause the simple fact remains that

Everything you know is wrongJust forget the words and sing alongAll you need to understand isEverything you know is wrongEverything you know is wrong

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