Misery that I call my existence

Found a jar of peanut butter hidden. I’m allergic to mostly all nuts so having anything with nuts in isn’t allowed, due to how bad my allergies are to them. Which is why it was hidden in a place I wouldn’t really look.

All that was running through my head was how if I ate it when no one was around that no one would be able to save me.

How badly I wanted to just end my existence and stop the thoughts in my head. The constant struggle of my life and how I don’t want to be here anymore.

The constant worry that I’m not good enough, the thoughts and flash backs of things I don’t really want to remember. The way I can’t feel anything, how I try to love my hardest to the people who constantly show me that I’m putting in all the effort and watching them laugh at me as they sit back and completely forget I’m even alive.

They should notice, they should care. They should be here standing by my side. Yet they treat me like I’m nothing, just as always. I got treated like that in school but I never thought these people would treat me this way. I constantly worry that I’ll never be good enough to be in their lives.

I want to need this misery that I call my life, I want to end the pain, the struggle, the worth that I don’t have