Balancing graduate school and family

Tag: change

Reading for pleasure has anyone tried?? I love to read! there is something about being transported away to a different place, time, and meeting different people.

Even when I was a kid, I use to collect the Bernstein bear books, babysitter clubs, ect. OMG, I use to be obsessed with those books.

What I do now is borrow books from my local library. I used to read from my kindle but it was getting a little costly after awhile.

Also aside from reading journal articles or books related to your research, it is always best to mix it up a bit.

Perhaps, not similarly going to gym, but I tried to read a book on a daily basis. Obviously, it has be to be something interesting. Also, my commute time is about an hour, so reading kills time on the train.

Click on this link and it explains ‘reasons why we should read’: http://www.realsimple.com/health/preventative-health/benefits-of-reading-real-books

So, it’s going to be two weeks now since I’ve been going to the gym. I’m going to try to stick with it, but I’ve made it a part of my daily routine. In other words, just like I how I eat dinner everyday, I go to the gym everyday. I’m going at my own pace, in terms of not getting all nuts. After the 4th or 5th day, I felt a difference in myself, not physical, but mentally. I felt a bit calmer and not as anxious.

I think going to the gym or at least doing some type of physical activity (besides walking to your car, or commuting home) should be a part of our day. I can see how people get really obsessed going to the gym because you are dealing with yourself and listening to your favorite music. Nothing else matters, but you and the great music.

Do I see a change? NOPE…lol. I really don’t see a change in my body but I do see a change in my attitude and state of mind.

I do the following at the gym:

30 minutes on the treadmill

5 minutes warmup

10 minutes incline and power walk

15 minutes incline and jogging

10 minutes on the Arc Trainer machine

10 minutes on elipitical

15 minutes of weights

So, bottom line, go out and do some exercise. Go out and enjoy some great music.

I wish I can say the following, personally to you, but I know I do not have the nerve to do so, because we will probably start crying.

I promise that we, you mom and I will be living in a nice home. One day, you will no longer carry that God forsaken phone of yours, and will not have to answer to a bunch of white, young, entitled, assholes.

I promise you will finally rest and do your favorite hobbies such as fixing things around the house, organizing your boxes, or preparing for the weekend markets.

I promise you won’t have to worry about tenants complaining about stupid shit, but I will always come to your rescue when they disrespect you.

I promise that we will all be sitting in our front porch drinking coffee or your favorite flavored waters and talk about how we survived the past and how this was all we ever wanted, a nice home.

I promise you will be happier with my mom and I when we get the hell out of this building and you will no longer be a superintendent to a bunch of assholes.

Don’t worry papi, just give me some time, and I will whisk you and mom away to a new a home. This I promise you.Thank you for your hard work and for your patience, papi.

I know it’s been awhile but I back. Hopefully, I can write more regularly this time.

A few things happened in the past few weeks:

I went away with my boyfriend for a week and a half. I had the greatest time, who knew I loved micro breweries. It’s pretty popular in the Northwest, especially in Canada. I do not know what it is, but if I can describe it, it is like tasting something new, a drink you will not get anywhere else (unless it is commercialized ie. Budweiser ..ewwww). I’m a fan of light beer, however, let’s take a step back. I do not drink to get wasted, I enjoy a drink or two or three to get away from my regular working life and just enjoy the moment with whomever I am with. For example, we were hanging out with some of the locals, mind you, this is not your typical bars. For one thing, these bars did not have 100 tvs all over the place, did not have loud music, or rowdy people. It was a relaxed environment to socialize and just getaway from the bustling city. Anyways, I had a fun.

I met with my adviser and things are coming along and the defense will be take place next month. FINALLY.

I’ve been reading alot of novels, short stories, mysteries and thrillers ect. and I love it. I think I want to be a writer on my spare time. lol. I don’t know what it is, but I just love getting lost into some else’s world. I was looking into writing retreats and it just may be part of my bucket list.

Family problems and it NEVER ends. This time is about money issues and as usual it comes down to my brother’s careless adventures and selfish decisions. Long story short, my dad and I have our savings and i am the only one with access to the account and I lent my brother some money, because he needed it to move into his new apartment. The first red flag is that if you cannot afford to move into your apartment, why would you rent one in the first place. Go figure. So, without my dad’s permission I took out money from the account and gave it to my brother because I felt bad and he kept bothering me ALOT. I wanted to help out. Six months passed and my brother never paid me back and my dad found out about me lending money to my brother and was furious. I wish I can do into depth but it’s a long story about why my brother and dad’s relationship. So, now my dad does not trust anymore with our savings and I’m pissed off at my brother because he put me into this position.

Work is OK.

I went to my doctor’s appointment and my physical health is bad, I’m like 2 cupcakes away from becoming a diabetic person. I was so good in the past, going to the gym and now I can barely stand going. However, I need to make drastic and healthy changes for my own good.

If you want to be inspired, watch this video. There should be NO excuses to not complete and/or finish something OR to reach a goal. If this guy (in the video) can do this, I’m sure we can accomplish anything. I admire this man’s strengths, courage, and resiliency.

Hi Folks! sorry for the LONG delay from blogging. I promise, I will try to keep up. It has helped me in the past when I kept blogging on a daily basis, but I forgot why I stopped. I have a few drafts that I kept storing and never found the time to finish writing, but I chose this particularly draft, because I wrote it during a time when I felt very helpless and just another rock of turmoil and bullshit thrown at me.

Update (2 months ago-This draft was written in July):

Well, no good news. I wish I can say things are OK or better, but my family and I are currently in a standstill at the moment. My dad heard from a co-worker that the company plans to move him to a different building(s), meaning that, my family and I would have to move. Where? I do not have a clue yet. My dad tells me this yesterday, while I’m at work, and then I start to FREAK out because this is the LAST thing I need to deal with. My mom is trying to be positive about this and supportive, and so am I, but it gets to a point when I start to think ‘when is it enough??!’. When can I catch a break?? There is always something that always tries to bring me and my family down. Especially me, I feel like I never catch a break in my academic and social life. It’s very hard to say this, but my dad cannot continue to work at his current job, because he is struggling to keep up. He does not admit to this but it is very true. His phone does constantly ringing either because it is a phone call, an email, or a text message or a voicemail. He is harassed by the tenants because they hate the new management company and the first person who they take it out on is my father. I know this is part of this job, but this is not life or a healthy working environment for him. The sad part, is that he just takes it, he does it for my us. He can get hurt by falling but the man will get up and continue to work. This is not the way to live life and it is unfair.

My mom and I want my dad to stop working at his job, but he wants to wait it out until we are able to purchase a home. Speaking of buying a home, which I’m sure you all know, is not EASY. It takes time and research. However, my parents depend too much on me to do this and I do not have time. I wake up every morning at 6:30 AM for work and come back home around 7 PM. I then go to the gym because it is the only time of the day to have some ME time. Then I try to do some dissertation work and pass out afterwards.******

Family Update (today):

It was pretty tough reading the above draft that I written 2 months ago. I was very angry and helpless. Today, I saw a therapist because I feel like my ability to focus and just concentrate on myself has taken a turn for the worse. I have until Friday to hand in my edited dissertation and today is Monday, Sept 28. I feel like if I just concentrate and put my all into it, I can definitely make the deadline, but for some reason I can’t. I know it sounds stupid and so immature, but I feel like I’m not allowing myself to move forward. I spoke to my therapist about it today and he said that I am showing him signs of depression. To be honest, I feel depressed. I feel like my family brings me down, even though I love them so much, and I’m just hard on myself. I was happy that I was able to have a conversation with someone instead of just badly judging and hurting myself. When I say hurting myself, I do not mean physically (so no worries) but I hurt myself mentally and emotionally. For example, I am an emotional eater and I will eat eat eat because it satisfy this emptiness that I have, I won’t go the gym (even though, I know it makes me feel better after a great workout, I refuse to go), or I distance myself from everybody. I have written so many ‘TO DO’ lists and I probably only followed through less than 3 lists. Also, 2 months ago, I was going to the gym constantly and now I barely go. I’d rather stay in my room and I keep telling myself, ‘yea just rest and then you will work on your dissertation..just rest’ and next thing you know it’s already 11PM. It a sick cycle and I have been in this funk for the past 2 months. It’s so bad that it has been negatively affecting me.

I can’t even go into my family because it will only bring me down. I will write about them in another blog. I will try not to give up on myself and will keep going even stupid obstacles.

The weekend went smoothly. I helped out my parents with their small business they’ve had for over 15+ years. Although, I had to wake up early in the morning but it was all good. I’ve been getting better waking up in the mornings without having such an attitude or be in a really bad mood. I just sleep early (around 10:30PM) and when I wake up I feel nice and fresh, ready to conquer the day (let’s say 70% of the time).

Last night, my family and I celebrated my dad birthday and it was nice little gathering (just my parents, my brother and my cousin and her baby). We also watched the ‘Game of Thrones’ season finale, which by the way, I still can’t over how that show ended and now I have to wait another year to watch what happens next. I may have to read the book series.

I had this thought in my head about my parents because yesterday was my dad’s birthday. Sometimes, I wonder if my parents ever had any regrets with their decisions to stay in this country. I see them both working very hard and always have. It tears my heart apart when I see them busting their butts every single day. I can see some people say, “hey that’s life.” Yes, I agree to that to some extent, but I wonder if they are happy. When I started writing my blogs last year (October 2014), my mom was unemployed for almost 2 years and during that time her health took for a turn and I think she was depressed. Now she is back on her feet and she is happy to feel like she is needed and can contribute to the family. My father on the other hand, has worked non-stop, every single day. Monday through Fridays- he is a superintendent and on the weekends he works on his business and my mom and I both help out on the weekends too. The guy barely relaxes (that is why he loves going to the recreation) and I wish I can make things better for him and my mom. If someone gave me wish right now and asked me what I wanted the most at this very moment/second, I’d honestly say “I want a home for my parents.” I would also like my father to stop working as a superintendent. My parents has sacrificed a lot for me, and look where I am at now, not even done with my PhD and just started working. It’s neither a good or bad thing, but it is not where I want to be in my life right now. I wish I had the means to help my parents out, so they can enjoy their lives and finally relax. If you read my past blogs, you can really tell that I am very close to my parents. We only have each other. But I am trying folks. I really am. I wonder if there will ever be time when we can just be happy. I know there are worse things out there and I’m sure others are going through so much worse. But when is it enough?

I was reading a few blogs last night and it reminds me that others have it 10 times worse than what I do. I should appreciate I even have my parents and that they have me. I know it seems like I complain a lot, but it’s just a way for me to vent. I really hope I can get them a nice house.

But in order to get there, or at least close enough to that goal, I have to finish the damn dissertation.