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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Can You Feel It?

I can't feel it.

I can't feel the joy of the subtle change from hot summer days to slightly cooler, comfortable weather. I can't feel the peace of a quiet morning on the porch with a cup of coffee, gazing across the fields, woods, and farmyard. I can't feel the simple pleasure of walking in the garden and seeing the fruits of our labor. I am scared to feel the depth of the love in my heart for my children still here. I don't know how to laugh with them and dream with them anymore. My husbands embrace threatens to cause an avalanche of emotions that might not ever stop once they start.

I can't begin to express how sad I am. I can't begin to describe the pain in my heart. I can't start to think about the depth of that sadness lest it overwhelms me. There are no words to explain how it feels to miss your son after he has been in heaven for nearly six months.

I wonder how God will make this all right one day. Not blasphemous, but really wondering. How does this get made right? How do all the days of missed childhood, precious memories, of watching a young boy grow into a young man be made right?

When does this ache stop? Does it ever stop? Will the tears ever stop? What if I forget Trent? What if having only four kids becomes normal? When did it become normal?