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Month: June 2016

At some point I grew up and learned to let go of the crazy metaphor of romantic love in order to find true happiness. Yes, I was disappointed to realize that I could not be the knight riding through the night to save the damsel in distress. I realized it is a fallacy. It’s a bummer.

But, let’s look at it in this light: We all saw Romeo and Juliet and/or Titanic. Why stories like these make our hearts sing is that the love is unrequited. Unavailability fuels the romantic expression.

This kind of romantic story can only work when there is an absence of the lover. Sometimes, they have to die in the end in order for their love to fit into this romantic view. Or, we eat handfuls of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after, and we rarely find out if they really do.

The romantic love fantasy is really a substitute for intimacy—real, connected, vulnerable intimacy.

So then, how do we make relationships work and stay happy?

We begin with the understanding of what pure love is, and then redefine and update the romantic fairytale into a healthier type of love.

Relationships aren’t about having another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and becoming “one,” you learn as Rainer Maria Rilke says, to love the distances in relationship as much as the togetherness.

See your partner for who he or she really is.

The romantic tragedy occurs when you view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent, the idea of them. When you realize that more often than not you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how they change and evolve.

Be willing to learn from each other.

The key is to see the other as a mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to what has yet to be healed in yourself.

Get comfortable being alone.

In order to accept that love can’t rescue you from being alone, learn to spend time being with yourself. By feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship, you will feel more complete, happy, and whole.

Look closely at why a fight may begin.

Some couples create separateness by fighting and then making up over and over again. This allows you to continue the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you become aware of what you fear about intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and likely will fight far less.

Own who you are.

We generally grasp atromantic love because we’re yearning for something that is out of reach, something in another person that we don’t think we possess in ourselves. Unfortunately, when we finally get love, we discover that we didn’t get what we were looking for.

True love only exists by loving yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.

Embrace ordinariness.

After the fairy-dust start of a relationship ends, we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ordinariness can become the real “juice” of intimacy. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and does, become extraordinary.

Expand your heart.

One thing that unites us is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way. To create real intimacy, get in touch with the spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you.

It’s easier to recognize the good in your partner when you’re connected to the good in yourself.

Focus on giving love.

Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves because other people love us; it’s more about how well we have loved ourselves and others. The unintentional outcome of loving others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.

Let go of expectations.

You may look to things such as romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself, you will put your sense of security in someone else.

Draw upon your own inner-resources to offer love, attention, and nurturance to yourself when you need it. Then you can let love come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like.

These are only a few ways to explore real intimacy. How do you create a loving connection in your relationship?

I really would like your opinions on this one so please leave your comments.

Again thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.wordpress.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

So as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime . So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks Dolph

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share

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Every long-term or significant relationship faces many issues. Some tend to be right on the surface and others are deeply buried and seldom talked about. Every relationship encounters some sort of obstacle at one time or another but it’s how you work through it that proves if you will last, or crumble. Take a look at these 8 relationship issues and decide if you are living in one today. If something strikes a cord with you, communicate it with your partner and honestly express your thoughts and feelings.

Denying the real issues

No matter how terrible your day was or how depressed you are about your financial situation, there is no excuse for taking it out on your partner. Often times we end up hurting the ones we love the most. But why? Loved ones are our support system and tend to be the people we see and talk to the most during the day. We grow comfortable around them and therefore can take advantage of that closeness. Rather than hurt the ones you love, do what it takes to meet the real problem head-on, as effectively as you can. If you are unsure of how to address a problem, the strong and mature thing to do is to ask for help and support from trusted sources (i.e., a friend, relative, or therapist).

Brushing things under the rug

Many concerns get ignored, overlooked and buried because the daily rush of work and child raising leaves no time for discussion. Maybe one dreads confrontation, or maybe you just don’t make the time to talk things out and work through issues together. Brushing problems and issues to the side only makes for a bigger problem to arise later on. You can only tiptoe around the real issue for so long, until one or both of you explode. If it’s a small issue make the decision to drop it or vent to a friend. If it’s a big issue, find the time to address it immediately and in a calm way. Don’t wait months or years for suppressed rage to finally burst out. Deal with conflict as it happens, so to avoid greater hurt in the future.

Gossiping

If you are talking about the problems in your relationship with friends or relatives but not working on improving the situation, you are gossiping. Gossip is not a productive way to handle problems, and can result in additional problems. For instance, your partner may feel betrayed that you revealed sensitive material to others that made him embarrassed or uncomfortable around them. Also, if you promote a negative side of your partner or your relationship, others may get a distorted view, and changes in their attitudes and behavior may follow. Others may remember your conflicts long after you and your partner have gotten past them. Instead, work on improving your communication skills as a couple. Turn toward your partner, not away. If you need help, seek out the assistance of an objective third party such as a therapist who works with couples. When it comes to your needs, stop complaining and start asking!

Not listening

Think back to when you were dating. Remember when every single word out of your date’s mouth was fascinating and you couldn’t wait for him to call, to hear what he thought about anything and everything? This “honeymoon” phase can fade and be replaced by the realistic daily life you now live together. Are you distracted and too worried about your last argument or issues at your job? Are you bored with hearing your partner complain endlessly about work without doing anything about it and therefore tuning out? Once you can get a handle on why one or the other partner no longer listens, you can dig deeper into the issues. Communication is key here and needs to be addressed before any greater issue can be solved. Remember that your relationship is a compromise between two very different people and when you got together you made that commitment together. Be vocal about your frustrations and be open to hearing about what your man might find irritating about you too!

Unreasonable expectations

Unreasonable expectations are exactly that, unreasonable. Many men and women have crazy expectations about the institution of marriage and what that entails. Resentment can build up if a partner feels particularly shocked with reality. These expectations and unexpected realities double for child raising, when lack of sleep, stress and financial pressure bring out conflicts in nearly every couple in the world. The list of areas where people have unrealistic expectations are nearly endless: how their partner should look, the job they should have, how much money they should earn etc. It’s important for both partners to take a step back and clearly state their expectations for different stages in their relationship. If something seems extremely unreasonable to one of you, it probably is, at least for your specific relationship. Seek advice and help from either friends or family who have gone through something similar, or an objective 3rd party such as a therapist or counselor.

Putting Yourself First

It’s not “all about me,” especially when you are in a relationship. Letting one’s self interests take priority in an unbalanced way can be toxic to a partnership. The other person usually winds up feeling deprived, resentful, and unimportant. Furthermore, the more self-involved you are, the more you take your relationship for granted, the less you appreciate your partner, and the more alone you actually are. So if your relationship is this way, you also lose out, because you experience less of the joy that a true connection brings. You and your partner both get more from the relationship through reciprocity in giving and receiving. Relationships are about give and take. You should want your partner to be as happy and content as you are

Living in the past

If you have a problem with your service or food at a restaurant, do you tell your server about every problem you’ve ever had at that restaurant your entire life? Or do you just get down to the complaint at hand? Relationships are the same. Talk about what’s happening now. Bringing up issues and problems in the past may be helpful in establishing a relationship history initially, but by constantly bringing up the past you will lose sight of your future. To complain over and over about past events only dilutes the current issue, leaving the other person worn out, overwhelmed and likely to tune out about your current complaint.

Trust issues

The foundation for every solid relationship is based on trust. Honesty is the best policy applies more than ever in intimate relationships. This means being truthful about how you think, what you feel and what you’re doing. You should have your partner’s back and they should have yours. Sadly, many of us grew up in homes where trust between parents was fractured and this childhood history can lead any of us down a similar relationship path. Don’t continue the cycle of hurt and sadness in your relationship.

I really would like your opinions on this one so please leave your comments.

Again thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.wordpress.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

So as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been establish for 6 months to a year. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks Dolph

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share

Like this:

First of all thank you readers Dolphnotes.com is now an independent site. You no longer need to use the old address of dolphnotes.wordpress.com you can simply use dolphnotes.com either will work. It truly made me happy that a sponsor stepped up and paid for web hosting for the year. I am thankful for the readers and followers never thought this was possible Thanks Amber for challenging me to do this.

So as you try and find the one I think the following 15 things should really not matter as you pursue the one. Sadly they are usually a focus and relationships fail because we tend to focus on one area rather than the greater picture. We tend to forget that a relationship is embracing ones faults and working through them. None of us are perfect however, we expect our other to be. Kind of self-centered don’t you think?

His height.Don’t cross someone off your list of potential future mates just because he’s not tall enough. There’s nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone (you can’t force chemistry), but don’t ignore an obvious connection just because he’s not physically the kind of person you normally date or have pictured yourself with.

His body type.So he’s not as buff as the last guy you dated. But the last guy you dated was a jerk who didn’t care about you. Looks don’t last anyway.

Whether or not he drinks.Instead of freaking out because he doesn’t like to party or enjoys a few drinks here and there, give them a chance. Even if you’re staunchly for or against some habits, you should get to know the person first.

If he still lives at home.Tons of Millennials still live at home, so don’t sweat it if a potential love interest is trying to save on bills or pay off college debt. If this is why he’s living at home, that’s probably a good sign — he’s fiscally responsible, which bodes well for his (and potentially your) future.

His age.If you like the person you’re with, it shouldn’t matter that he was too young to remember the ’90s or too old to have watched the same Nickelodeon cartoons as you. What’s important is that you share the same values and are obsessed with each other now. Or, as Owen Wilson says inWedding Crashers, see him as the counterpoint to your soul.

Your gut reaction to his appearance.Whether you are typically drawn to the clean-cut type who gets his shirts professionally laundered or just love a dude with piercings and tattoos, don’t let someone who looks different from your “type” influence your perception of his boyfriend potential.

What your friends think.It’s never bad to have your friends and family meet and offer their opinions on your potential life partner, but unless they’re getting serious ax-murderer vibes or perceive a major problem, don’t take it to heart if you disagree. If they think he’s potentially physically or emotionally abusive, you should be listening. If they think he’s kind of loud or annoying or “not talkative enough,” you shouldn’t worry.

What he does for a living.Unless his job is something actively horrible, like designated puppy kicker, don’t let it frighten you off. He also might not fit the stereotype of others in his profession. Not all finance guys are total douchebags, after all.

How many people he’s slept with.He might be way more or less experienced than you. Don’t let his relationship history make you feel weird about the fact that he’s slept with more or fewer people than you.

How many serious relationships he’s had.He might be a serial relationship person or never have seriously committed to anyone before. We all know fromFifty Shades of Grey and After that men can change. So at least give him a chance.

How much his interests align with yours.Sure, it’d be great if you’re both mega-athletes who bike 18-mile trails on the weekends, or movie addicts always going to the movies, but someone with way different interests can open you up to new experiences. And that can be romantic and fun and wonderful.

His sense of style.Whether he spends his whole paycheck on Saville Row suits or wears the same old cargo shorts every weekend, it doesn’t matter. (If things get really serious, you can always throw away the cargo shorts when he isn’t looking.)

If he’s well-traveled.People can be smart and wonderful and not have had the opportunity to explore other parts of the world. See it as an opportunity: You can explore together.

If his previous partner was really hot (or not).It says nothing about his tastes or how shallow he is or how he feels about you. You’re not competing with his exes — they’re gone because he likesyou and not them.

How much money he makes.Not all rich people are snotty and terrible, and plenty of people on the lower end of the income spectrum can make you happy. Life’s true riches come from the heart … or something. I don’t know, just don’t be shallow.

Sadly way too many relationships fail because one partner is so focused on one of these things socially society has become so impersonal we focus on social media interactions and not true face to face social interactions. We no longer know how to date or get to know one and another. We worry about a status rather than a foundation of good personal communication. We have become so reliant on greed then love. It is more about social status then compassion.

My advice is simply this regardless of any of the above mental hang ups date people get to know them, a few dates is not a marriage. Get to know someone find the one not a Fuck Toy.

I really would like your opinions on this one so please leave your comments.

Again thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.wordpress.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

So as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been establish for 6 months to a year. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks Dolph

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share