Miracle of miracles, the outdoor timer on the TV worked last night and nobody fought me on keeping the tv going till the wee hours.

---

3:30 - Took care of some painful but necessary personal stuff and started repacking bags I took apart last night. Chilling on the patio in a lawn chair with my laptop now. Should do this more often.

I feel fat and stupid without adhd meds. Brain fog. Like swimming in jello. Everthing has more resistance and is kind of hazy, and for some reason I crave cigarettes. BLECH. I can go pick them up tomorrow, but today will suck.

Things I can do today to still be productive:

Call dental insurance and make sure my premium is paid

Work on pete's site

Make porkchops for dinner, and throw in pumpkin chocolate chip muffins, and egg cups at the same time.

Go for a run when it cools down and workout at home

Dye my hair, do my nails

Pack my bag in case I can head down to see ex this weekend, not that I should go.

What I actually want to do:

Take a nap

Dog is insane to go for a long walk or have some fun but can't go for a long walk anymore. I should see if her dog carriage will turn back into a stroller after being in the sun for so long. I really like that as a project for tomorrow.

Bootcamp class is tonight but I don't want to drive or pay for gas when I can't run errands at the same time. I just feel so discombobulated all the time. Hopefully getting back on the vyvanse tomorrow will help that.

Things that would make me feel less "everything is everywhere":

Chocolate

Dying my hair and getting my nails in shape.

Teeth cleaning and dental checkup.

Having all of the rashes on my hands and feet heal up

A really, really good hug

Getting the mess in the living room tamed. I've been at it for years now and I can't get to "done" unless I get rid of furniture and buy a cabinet. I don't want to spend the money.

---

Planning a fun and cheap day out with my camping ladies. Going to an under $10 thai place that is well reviewed on yelp and the oc register, followed by $2 baked goods at 85c and a $9 movie.

One of the ladies sent out her list of picks from the Golden Globes. Everything on it was either about religous persecution, rape, coming out of the closet, war, disease, or poverty. I dunno if I want to sit through that without a fast forward button.

I was like, who else needs a laugh and wants to see Pitch Perfect 3? Rebel Wilson 4 ever! Got 2 seconds. Could theoretically get a second ticket and see Star Wars after.

D: 2 breaded pork chops, cauliflower rice, brussel sprouts, light lemonade... should not have had the second pork chop but I skipped 1 full meal. I think that was about 350 calories each porkchop so not over for the day I don't think.

1am still up might as well start a new entry. I need to remember in the morning to make coffee right away and get out for a walk. I spent too much time today in a fog. I need to tackle the things I must do and not wander over to cooking sites and recipes.

---

2pm. Have been up and about since 9am and semi-productive. Have gone down a bunch of rat holes instead of doing my most critical to do item today which is reviewing my debit card statement for fraud charges.

Rat holes I spent time on:

Reviewing new grocery sales that were posted today and planning my shopping for the week. On my calendar for today but not most important thing to be doing during my prime focus time.

Looking for a way to block pinterest on my iphone. I found one! https://freedom.to

Setting up blocklists for my iphone and laptop on Freedom.to and rescuetime. Debatable whether I actually need to do this right now????

Cleaning junk out of my personal email - Debatable whether I actually need to do this right now????

---

Actually did manage to do some on target work till 5pm.

----

Then I needed to make dinner... Mom might not have gotten the half and half I was desperate for, but she did grab a couple of pounds of ground turkey on sale. I cooked an easy recipe for dinner in a completely disorganized fashion that took 3.5 hours when it should have taken 1 hr to cook, eat, and clean up.

Rat holes I spent time on:

Sink was full of dishes when I started so after I got everything on I washed them all. One pot was burned, so extra scrubbing

Mushroom gravy was a disaster multiple times and tried a few different things to recover it at each stage (first it turns out arrowroot does not make roux... it makes margerine-boba, then it turns out it doesn't meld well with red wine vinegar or dark soy sauce, then I forgot to mix cornstarch in hot water to make a slurry and made a lumpy mess... beaten thin it was still off, so I mixed in some half and half which required tempering... still off so I added a carton of beef broth... took forever to gel back up again... but finally it was edible)

Had to clean off dining room table from yesterday's "How many meals can I make from my pantry" experiment

Dad had meltdown over a piece of onion he inhaled (dinner turned out crazy good and he inhaled it without chewing). Then he wanted seconds but I had already packed the leftovers into single serving trays and he didn't like that (mom gained 19lbs, dad can't fit through the dog gate again, watching portions). Whole thing took a while.

Dad's meltdown triggered my asthma attack.

Couldn't find my inhaler. Tore apart my backpack, first aid kit, spare gear bag, and several other things trying to find it... Wasn't doing so hot. Then I took a break while it kicked in. (I still need to put all of it away again and repack my backpack (aaack).)

Washed all the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, started a load of laundry.

HOWEVER, dinner was insane and I actually had to stop myself from drinking the gravy straight down like a beverage. It was a definite fat girl moment. I don't think I ever wanted to drink gravy before.

2lbs of turkey, a bag of yukon gold potatoes, and the assorted vegetables on hand made 8 unbelievable meals.

Total

Servings

Price per Serving

Turkey Meatloaf

$7.35

8

$0.92

2lbs turkey

$4.00

Onion

$0.25

Carrot

$0.50

Celery

$0.50

3 muffins

$1.00

Spices

$0.20

Flax seed

$0.20

2 eggs

$0.60

Parsley

$0.10

Gravy

$6.10

20

$0.31

mushrooms (1/2 pack)

$2.50

Beef broth

$2.00

corn starch

$0.05

arrow root

$0.25

veg base

$0.25

mushroom base

$0.25

half and half

$0.50

soy sauce, red wine vinegar

$0.05

1/2 onion

$0.25

Potatoes

$2.05

8

$0.26

Potatoes

$1.50

Margerine

$0.25

milk

$0.25

salt

$0.05

Roll

2

8

0.25

Soup / Salad

2

8

0.25

$1.98

---

S: Missed

B: Oatmeal, raisins, walnuts, protein powder

S: Skipped

L: Skipped

S: 2 paleo hotdog buiscuts, mustard

D: ? - meatloaf, potatoes, gravy, veg soup

S: 9pm - apple and peanut butter

11pm - starving. plain oatmeal and an orange.

Progress as of today: 74.6 lbs lost so far, only 53.4 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 01/17/2018:
Its def easy to be distracted! You are right to tackle the task first - maybe put reminder on your phone

BearCountryGG on 01/17/2018:
Our distractions are always things that we can get lost in and enjoy...I STILL think you need to be in the food industry, have you considered starting a you tube business? That costs nothing and if it catches on can be a big moneymaker. Have you ever worked in a restaurant, have you considered nutrition or diatetics, maybe work in a hospital planning menus and diets?

happy-1 on 01/17/2018:
Yeah, that's why I want to do a meal planning app. A blog (with youtube content or other social media) is stronger when it drives traffic to a monetized service... You'll see a lot of them with a pdf you can buy or boosting another service with an affiliate link.

There's a whole startup culture around food tech. See this Forbes article: https://www.forbes.com/sites/ninaroberts/2018/01/16/advice-for-early-stage-foodtech-social-entrepreneurs-by-foodbytes-founder-manuel-gonzalez-part-ii/#74e284bc127f

I do think HOP is a strong enough writer to do the same thing for a "Fitness in NYC" theme.

happy-1 on 01/17/2018:
But my real issue is that my living situation has me in a constant state of ADHD overwhelm so I am always functioning on a third of my brain and in an emotionally reactive state. Whenever there is a slight disruption, I self-soothe by looking at Pinterest for recipes.

BearCountryGG on 01/17/2018:
Interesting...and I agree about HOP too.........

happy-1 on 01/17/2018:
Ha, yeah if I ever get my **** together we could start a company, lol.

233.4!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOST A POUND!!!!!!!!!!!!! BELOW MY PLATEAU WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How did that happen while couch surfing for 3 weeks while being miserable and cranky to everyone and eating a lot of junk food?

----

3:39pm and brain is just coming together now. Mom is on me to go to bootcamp tonight and take my dog, but I don't want to spend the money on gas if I am not on top of things and feeling 100%. She mostly wants the dog to be happy but she says I was happy when I was going. Probably. I just feel out of it right now and I don't want to deal.

- Tackled the bucket of cleaners and some of the stuff by the front door. I may never need to buy cleaners again.

- Kind of going through my stuff and figuring out what I need to do. Using a project management app to tease out dependencies and picture what I need to do to dig myself out of my drama.

Dog keeps pacing around restlessly. She is bored off her butt. She'd love to go to a park workout tonight. I am dreading it.

----

Went out for $2.50 of Half n Half, spent $27 plus gas,. Greek yogurt ($3 and a thing of mushrooms $5). Also, a bottle of $2 light lemonade, $6 seltzer, and $2 italian ices. I totally mentally calculated that as $20 in the cart so I was surprised at the total.

Also... heart broken to discover that my beloved Minute Maid Light Lemonade has aspartame and high fructose corn syrup. After I finish this bottle I have to give it up and make my own at home :(

BearCountryGG on 01/17/2018:
I made spaghetti squash yesterday too...lots of leftovers...LOL

BearCountryGG on 01/17/2018:
YEAH,...TANG is so darn good!!!! A dishwasher repairman once told me to put tang in the dishwasher empty to clean it out...must be the citric acid...but that stuff could become an addiction for me...so I haven't had it in years....there is also a citrusy juice on the market ( can't remember the name)...that you buy by the gallon....I drank a gallon of that in 2 days once...I couldn't stay away from it......don't buy that anymore either.

Woke up at 7... almost on time (shooting for 6) but with a cold or something. Everything hurts, my head is pounding, It's a warm day but I can't get warm. All noises are too loud. Put a gallon of water in my camelbak and I am going to finish that and see if I feel better. It's possible it's dehydration. No fever but my skin is really dry.

Keeping the tv off today. If I am too out of it to go get things done, I don't need to add show hole to it. Glad I made egg muffins last night. Heat and eat.

----

Aaaaaw my mom made me some oatmeal because I'm miserable. All the times I wished someone else would feed me and it finally happened. I must be dying.

-----

Got a bunch of texts from M today. Apparently she's being quiet because she thinks her boyfriend is going to off himself in the next couple of months. I don't think he is... I think it is a control thing. If she's worried about him he is 100% of her focus. All I know is that he's been in a terrible depression for the last 3 years and that seems like a long time to go through something for someone you aren't married to... but then again I'm rebuilding my life ground up at 40 so what do I know?

BearCountryGG on 01/15/2018:
I got what you got...definitely something going around...what is a camelback?

happy-1 on 01/15/2018:
It's a brand of backpacks with water bladders and drinking tubes so you can just suck on it while you do other things and stay hydrated... or lay flat like a deflated balloon and wake up because your dog buried her kong in your armpit so she can really get at that peanut butter.

Up at 8 am and took meds. Went back to bed for an hour. I know I need to get up and start my day but still feel gross from the junk food binge last night. Mom says her blood sugar is 397.... crazy high. It could have been the brownies, but it could also be just late night eating, pizza carbs, etc. I don't want to face the scale.

236.4

Plan for today... hit 6:30pm service at another church. I liked the last one but their 40+ singles group was all ladies and that could get weird... although it could be handled by making a 40+ christian singles group on Meetup and recruiting more members. Just want to find the best option.

Heartbreaking... dad says the news about his friend's daughter has made him not want to waste the time he has left... so he's trying to be friendly today. Augh. I know I need to improve my relationship with him while I am here... it's just so hard to be in the same room with him. ---- Hungry and cranky. I left a bunch of mushrooms out while I was not feeling well and didn't cook it. Hoping it didn't go bad. Drove down to services but when I got there the parking lot was packed and everyone was dressed up and I had pretty much dragged myself off the couch half dead. Turned around and went home. Had given my dad my dinner because my mom was too out of it to help him find food. I had ramen instead. A little annoyed that he stuck me washing his dishes too.

Donkey on 01/14/2018:
Good luck with church tonight -- I hope it works for you!

(2 pounds ain't bad... Don't be discouraged, please!)

happy-1 on 01/15/2018:
Not discouraged. Just cranky and achey. Might need a dental checkup.

BearCountryGG on 01/15/2018:
Unfortunately from what I hear singles groups usually do have a lot of women attend...guess men wait for the right one to come along...women actively search, which may be why men don't attend.....it might be overwhelming.

happy-1 on 01/15/2018:
Or they don't want to be chased by a bunch of crazy women. The meetups for singles / non-christian are full of dudes. I am not terribly religious but I don't really drink or smoke and it would be nice to make friends who don't either. I hate feeling like the lame third wheel. I'm not all about a new beer or wine or whatever. It's all kind of gross. I could get into pot but hate pot heads.

Way overslept till 10:30 with a super deep sleep and a headache when I woke up. Gas leak?

Today is the anniversary of the day my cousin died. We also heard that my dad's friends's daughter died of cancer. I do not remember her, I was too young but she was married with kids and a career as a lawyer so it sounds like she lived full force.

Took mom to a cheap fun improv show and rented a movie for after to get her mind off it.

We stopped at jack n the box after. I was super hungry and kind of wiped out all day and didn't want to cook at 10pm. I also put on brownies. My mom wanted pizza with it after eating the stuff from jack n the box. I should have said no and not made brownies. I ate half a pizza (small) and had a brownie. I forgot to put them away though and Fell asleep during the movie. Got up at the end to find she had eaten the whole pan. Kind of scary.

BearCountryGG on 01/14/2018:
I felt ill yesterday too after a sugar binge......maybe we are talking about food too much...I'm wondering.

happy-1 on 01/14/2018:
Um, there's all sorts of studies that say journaling about food helps you make better choices over several months but you will always have days where you fall off the wagon. I know this site really helps me and that next week I will look at the past week and then see what habits I can change to be better overall. Like I might make egg muffins tonight for the week since breakfast and coffee are critical.

I agree with bcgg to try to prevent a sugar binge next time bc I also know how it feels the next day Bc I used to binge often on carbs and those binges gave me night sweats as I digested endless sugars and made me feel both physically and emotionally ill.....you will get thru! Find the proteins and veggies lady and thank you for kind comments - bronchitis knocked me Out for sure - next time I have a cough over a week I'll go to dr after the week not 3 weeks

There are few things better in life than a warm blanket and a big furry dog to share it with on a cold morning. Woke up to find mine in prime massage position... butt in armpit, across width of bed, ears right under my fingers... so I gave her a thorough massage. I'm always in a good mood when I beat my alarm awake.

Plan for today is to go to Starbucks before The Circus wakes up, then on to the coworking space. Have call with online shrink, then later in the afternoon I have a meeting with my virtual assistant to get me rolling again.

So yes I ate a ton of pizza yesterday, way more than was good for me. Yes I missed my bootcamp workout last night ( was posting Pete's stuff, then when I put on my kneepads my dog lost her furry mind and we left late.., i need to sneak into my workout clothes where she can't see from now on... so we left late, then I was blocked in) but today I am up on time and it is a beautiful day. ---- Got into a kerfuffle with my mom because I discovered she ate the lunches I packed for today and this weekend (and left me all the dishes and trash to clean up). All I said was hey, can you please leave the ones in my lunchbag alone, the ones on the shelf above it are the same just not packed for my cooler and I am really watching my cash so I meed to not eat out... if I have to repack or go shopping, i end up canceling or buying something more expensive on the road. World War 3. I think she felt bad and was overcompensating.

Bearcountry's post on hidden eating and snacks makes me think I semi-created this by hiding the stuff I know they can't resist, but then putting little baggies of it in my packed lunchbag. So yes, the little cup of yogurt is the same as the big costco one above it, but there is a 1/4 cup of paleo granola in with it... so probably that tempted her. Even though it is just granola... and the mini hummus cup packed for snack is the same as what is in the bowl I made to go with falaffel tonight, but the packet of sunflower seeds and jerky with it were from my last camping trip and not hidden, but I had them in the bear barrels and they can't get those open. Plus if you are old and your back hurts it's just so nice to open something delicious without finding everything yourself. I'd do up trays for my mom but she hates when I do that.

BearCountryGG on 01/12/2018:
In a previous post you mentioned having trouble sleeping...I have always found that a evening schedule that leads to bedtime works well....with kids it was 1 hour before bed was bath, pjs and teeth...then 30 min before bed was a sheet on the floor and making collages with magazines, catalogs, string...glue, scissors, etc...then a 5 min bedtime warning..and no problems with them going to bed or sleep....for me...it can be a bath, pjs, teeth, reading for half an hour and going to bed at a specific time...that time is so important for me...I usually drop off immediately...if not I have a little trick I do...and that is to alphabetically name ( in my head)...family members( every one I have ever heard of)...I rarely get past the letter C.

happy-1 on 01/12/2018:
Yeah, I have a strict bedtime routine... An actual checklist in a 8x11 frame that I check off with an erasable pen. And alarms for when I need to start. The thing about ADHD is that 10pm is when your brain naturally wants to wake up. Plus I am one of those people whose circadian rhythm is 26-28 hours long... that means night 1, I fall asleep at 10, then night 2, I fall asleep at 12 or 1, then next night 2 or 3am... I basically cycle through till I have one night I don't sleep at all and then it is back to night 1 with 10pm asleep.

It really screws with me. When I am working I have to be up at 6am every day. When I'm not working if I am not up at 6am every day I slip into depression and fall apart.

BearCountryGG on 01/12/2018:
How old are your parents if you don't mind me asking.

Didn't weigh in... forgot. Kind of snuck out this morning to avoid The Circus and find coffee. My dad had piled a bunch of cardboard outside his door... fire hazard... so I took it out to the recycling bin. Somewhere in there was a thing he had ordered off the Internet for his car. I got it back out again but he freaked out, my mom is having anxiety attacks, and I am out of eggs so I have nothing to feed them... They have lots of frozen breakfast so don't worry about them... just nothing yummy enough to satisfy and head off The Circus. I'll just hang at Starbucks, get my **** together, and then double back to stealthily change clothes, grab my dog, and go to bootcamp. I'll hit Costco on the way back so I can feed The Circus tomorrow. Sucks I woke up so late. I took a sleep aid and went to bed at 7:30 but I don't think I fell asleep till 3am.

----

Do I know how bad half and half is for me? Yes. Can I stand my coffee any other way? I find that Via instant coffee mixed into rice or coconut milk is tolerable. Do they have that option at Starbucks? No.

----

2am, couldn't sleep - 2 paleo muffins with butter

Woke: 10

S: missed

B: missed

S: missed

L: 12- coffee, half and half, mini pepperoni pizza

S: 1:30, but kind of taking little bits at a time while I chill at starbucks and post Pete's stuff. A brownie and coffee with half and half. I seriously needed the chocolate pick me up.

Woke up: 10. Actually woke up at 7:30 but it was really cold so I went back to bed to warm up and ended up falling asleep again.

Really frustrated this morning and irritable/cranky. Journaling here to pull it back together and make sense of what I need to do today to pull it together.

Too much distraction/clutter/noise in my environment. I am in adhd overwhelm and wearing earplugs to block out noise.

I need to streamline my mornings. - Thermostat on a timer - AM radio on better sounding sound system / better way to get news. - No mess where I can see it when I wake up - Coffee on a timer - Bathroom picked up - Kitchen picked up - Breakfast ready to stick in oven - Place settings down for breakfast night before - Dog walking clothes by front door - Car organized and vacuumed - To do list for day

Annoyed that the house is a mess. And I am the one that did it. Pulled stuff apart and didn't put it back plus my closet bar fell down again. I need a bar holder to keep the tension rod in place. I keep avoiding all the work that goes into putting the wood furniture onto foam blocks so I can clean the carpets.

And LONELY. SO LONELY. Church group last night kind of sucked. It was 40+ singles and all women. Not exactly a fun crowd. I do dig the 2 guys leading it. They seem like a fun hang.

Could use some TLC. Ex is all the way in SD. 2.5 hours away. Driving that far is expensive, puts miles on my car, makes my neck hurt. I really wish I had a guy in the local area to do fun stuff with. Not even a serious thing, just some company.

I crave pizza every day and every hour of my life.

---

3:19pm - Have tackled making my bed, cleaning out the front door area after the storm, hosing off my cooler and taken the rug cleaner to a couple of mystery spots on the rug in the living room not by the wood furniture.

There's a new episode of Kevin Saves the World. That show always puts me in a better mood!

---

S: Skipped

B: Skipped

S: Skipped

L: 12pm - egg bake, overnight oats, coffee, half and half.

S: 3pm - Chicken thigh, baked potato

D: 6pm - 3 mini pizzas, 7 chicken wings, 2 stevia cokes

S:

Progress as of today: 73.6 lbs lost so far, only 54.4 lbs to go!

Donkey on 01/10/2018:
I completely agree that if you plan ahead the night before, I can almost guarantee that your day will start off better than had you not.

Loneliness sucks. I applaud you for trying. A church group is a good idea...just not balanced in genders. Keep trying (((hugs)))

happy-1 on 01/10/2018:
Yeah, I figure I will church hop a few weeks see if anything fits. I don't need dudes I want to date, just a gender balance to reduce the crazy factor of a bunch of women. Like just some company for bowling would be awesome.

235. Down from 240. Poof! Magic. Only a few ounces from my plateay weight. Need to stop skipping meals, setup coffee the night before, and wake up on time, get a jump on The Circus. Give them breakfast before they can start bumbling around trying to feed themselves. Need to get a period tracker app that tracks moods and gives you an alert when you are going to bite peoples heads off.

horn_of_plenty on 01/09/2018:
Yes planning and routine is the way to get thru a plateau indeed !

horn_of_plenty on 01/09/2018:
lol keep up the good work with your 'rents...you are doing GREAT! :)

happy-1 on 01/09/2018:
If prepared meals doesn't work there's always a cattle prod.

graindart on 01/09/2018:
Don't you love the "serving size" that some of these products list? Years ago I was on a diet and decided I really wanted a small bag of chips while at the grocery store. Looked at the label and in big print it noted 170 calories. That was in my budget, so I got in line with a smile on my face. Then I remembered I forgot to check the serving size. It was one of the small bags that you hold in one hand, so I figured it obviously was 1 serving. Couldn't believe it when I looked at the label and it stated there were 3 servings in that small bag. Like anyone buying that small of a bag is going to stop after eating 1/3 of it.

The only serving size that has ever surprised me the opposite way was a 2 lb bag of asparagus that I bought a week ago. It actually listed serving size as 1 lb. And I did eat close to half of the bag of asparagus myself during dinner......

happy-1 on 01/09/2018:
I can easily down a pound of asparagus if I grill it with lemon and salt

Donkey on 01/09/2018:
Setting up the coffee pot for the next day is *essential* to my well-being :-) Ain't nothing happening until that coffee is made.

happy-1 on 01/09/2018:
Yeah. I am thinking about a programmable one that I put next to my bed so it wakes me up...