Wednesday, June 11, 2014

"It's much more interesting to tell them about who I've found you to be," I tell Him.

He says, "I appreciate that, but who are you?"

Well, uh, ummm, I'm me. I'm..I'm...Ronda. Helloooooo.

"Who are you?"

I'm your child. I'm your daughter. I'm your kid.

"Who else?"

This is getting hard, Lord. I'm not comfortable doing this. People read this you know. Strangers, family, friends.

"I know."

"Who are you?"

I'm yours.

"I know. But who are you?"

I'm confused. You know WHO I am. You're God.

"I know who I am. The I AM knows who I am. Who are you?'

Can I tell you who I am without you?

"That's a start."

Ok. Without you, I am lost. Without you, I am nothing. Without you, I'm a mess. Without you, I'm a little girl running around crying and looking for someone to help me. Standing alone, lost in a crowd, waiting for someone to take me by the hand and tell me it's going to be ok. Without you, I'm alone. Without you, I'm wondering what my purpose here on earth is. Without you, I wonder why you don't make this world better. Without you, I am fearful and filled with silent anxiety that rests on my hips and my gut. Without you, I am disheartened and defeated. Without you, I look at the world and wonder if there really is a god. Without you, I am living for myself, swallowed up in pride and self-sufficiency but always afraid to make a mistake.

There. That's who I am, without you.

"What else?"

Isn't that enough?

"Who are you?'

Haven't I said enough?

"No."

ugh

I'm me. A mess. A girl in a woman's body, just waiting and looking forward to the day I will be forever free of the things that try to harass and discourage me.

"What else?"

What else is there to know? No one needs to know my business.

"How do you know what someone needs to know?"

I don't want to know my business most of the time, why do I need to blab it to the cybersphere?!

"Because you were once waiting for someone like you to come along and tell you it will be ok."

ugh

I have fears, I have griefs, I have regrets, I have pains and emotions that try and overwhelm me, but you are the only One who can take them away. And you never get tired of taking away the same things over and over again that I keep taking back from your hands.

"What else?"

I bug you a thousand times a day in a thousand different ways for the same things everyday.

"It never gets old."

I get sick of myself.

"I never get sick of you."

I know you don't. How do you not?

"That's not your business to know."

"Who else are you?"

Well, I just had a birthday and lots of people said lots of nice things, but none of it is me, but you. Whatever they see in me that's good, only comes from you, because I'm none of the things people think I am without you.

"You're mine."

Well, duh.

"So are the people who are reading this right now. They are mine too."

Monday, June 2, 2014

One of the many things that tries to stand in our way when we are believers is our constant judgment of ourselves. There's a word that comes into our mind full force, one that is always there and used pretty much by everyone, saint and sinner alike, that really likes to play with our expectations of others but more importantly ourselves.

It's the six letter word: S H O U L D.

Because we're a Christian we should act this way and we shouldn't act that way.

Because we're a Christian we should do this and we shouldn't do that.

Because I'm a follower of Christ I should talk like this and I should't talk like that.

Because I'm a believer I should have more faith and I shouldn't have so much doubt.

Because I'm God's child I should know the right things to say and do and shouldn't say and do the wrong things.

Should.

Should.

Should.

Woulda shoulda coulda I say.

See, the crazy thing is about our bipolar personalities - Follower of Christ and sinner all in the same package - is that we know in our heads the gospel. Christ did it all because I could do nothing. That's basically the gist of the matter.

Christ does all because I can do nothing on my own.

I can't act the right way on my own. I can't say the right thing on my own. I can't think the right thing on my own.

But yet, even though our minds know this, our hearts still try to convince us otherwise. Or maybe it's in reverse? Our hearts know, but our minds, those wonderfully logical scientific minds are the ones who taunt us.

It's like we expect that in some magically sci-fi sort of way we immediately stop being the people who don't do what they should and do keep doing what they shouldn't.

Give me a break! Give yourself a break, would ya?

Every time you hear yourself say or think about yourself any form of the word should, pinch yourself and then take yourself by the shoulders and get in your face and say, "why on earth do I think I should do something that I am not equipped to do on my own? Who do you think you are anyway? God?!"

You are clean now. Washed clean in his eyes. Yes, the sinful self is still there doing the sinful stuff you will continue to do, but the punishment for those actions has now been paid. You are clean. Spotless. Whole.

Now the fun starts. Now the tweaking starts. Now the real you gets to come out. Now the hidden gem that God designed, who would be named your name gets to be tweaked and polished and sanded and buffed and spit-shined and made into who you were meant to be all along.

Should you stop swearing? It'd be nice. Can you on your own? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Should you stop gossiping? Most definitely? Can you on your own? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Should you stop worrying? Absolutely! Can you do it on your own? You can try, you have a thousand times before. How'd that work out?

Should you stop calling yourself dumb or fat or lazy or selfish or an idiot? It maybe a good idea but I doubt that will stop cold turkey. You can try, but until you immerse yourself in what God calls you and believe what He says about you rather than what a sinner says, you'll still keep degrading yourself.

That goes for your expectations of others, too.

Our President should do this.

The church should do that.

A good parent should do this.

A good leader should do that.

Should, should, should.

No one can be or do anything we expect them to be or do without God giving the ability to be or do.

So why on earth do we put so much pressure on ourselves and others to be or do what is impossible for humans to do on their own?

Give up? Here are a few of my guesses.

Because we don't want to ask God to do it. Because we know God won't do it the way we think it should be done. Because we want to use a stick and beat someone on the head to change and God's ways are much less forceful and a lot less violent. (Insert grin here).

Because if we ask God to do what we can't do than that makes us vulnerable.

And being vulnerable is scary.

Being vulnerable and letting go of control instead of on the should train to nowhere is very, very scary.

But when we let go and let God mind the should list it frees up a lot of our time to just breathe and enjoy the blessings He's pouring on us so lavishly.

Yea, a lot should be done to make countries stronger, families stronger, children stronger. But let God take care of the shoulds. You would if you could, I know, but you can't so why bother trying? Pointing out the shoulds to other should pointers is not going to do anything except create a lot more finger pointing.

Just hang out and be the child of God you are. Children don't worry about what their parents worry about. They just play and sleep when they're tired, eat when they're hungry. They leave the worrying to their parents.

My First Book!

Part one of my adult life I was a Navy wife and Mom. Part two of my life I am a now retired Navy wife, still a mom but now am a registered nurse and a grandmother. Words rattle around in my head trying to find a way out. I'm not a scholar or a theologian, and the only letters after my name are R.N. I like studying the Bible and wish I could make a living just looking up original Hebrew and Greek words. It's not my desire to change your opinion, your doctrine, or your political affiliation through this blog. I hope to get you thinking about life and its challenges in a way you hadn't looked at before. And maybe, somewhere along the way, let me introduce you to the Jesus I've come to know. All pictures are mine. Enjoy but don't use without permission.