Motel? More Like NO-tel: Five Hacks for Surviving a Gross Motel Room

Congratulations! You have just booked a trip with your family! Your little brood is off on an adventure and ready to see the world! Whether you plan to take to the skies as your precious snowflake kicks the back of a business man’s seat or you pile in your swagger wagon with an armload of DVDs on hand, you are sure to make some memories!

But wait! Did your husband just use the word motel? Fear not! These five fool-proof tips will allow you to survive exactly one night in a place you’d never wish on your worst enemy. Enjoy!

1. Tear this mother down! As you enter your humble abode, removal of any tainted items is key. With a latex-gloved hand, remove all comforters from the beds. Top layers of bedding are infamous for not being washed. Throw the offending material into a corner of the room and proceed to perform an exorcism over the pile. Once this is accomplished, carefully remove curtains from the windows. Stuff the curtains into a trashcan and set the material on fire. As the embers glow, be sure to give your husband the look that assures him there will be absolutely NO funny business in this seventh circle of hades. This look is critical. It could be your ticket to never crossing the threshold of a motel again.

2. The pool is your friend! Taking a sledge hammer to the current shower would be preferable, but, again, you only have one night. We’re not miracle workers! In an effort to avoid any flesh from touching the slimy shower tiles, it is advised that you use the motel pool to freshen up. The kids are sure to see this alternative to bath time as fun, and the chlorine will act as a disinfectant to the many germs you’ve picked up simply by driving into the motel parking lot.

3.Do not look under the bed. I’m telling you, don’t do it. The underworld of the motel bed is not a place for human eyes to see. If your kiddo rolls a toy underneath the bed, it can be replaced. If a shoe goes missing, it wasn’t meant to be. If your child crawls under the bed, I’m sorry. You’ve had a good run, but the gremlins have him now. Shhhh, just go.

4.The fetal position is power. You’ve already doused the comforters in holy water, but now it’s time to rip back those bed sheets. With your nose inches from the fabric, search the sheets for hair, bug, or stain. If your husband is brave enough to tell you to calm down, whip your head around like a feral dog and snarl something about keeping the family safe. Once you’ve tucked in the children and splashed a little holy water on them for good measure, gingerly climb into your bed and assume the fetal position. Moving as little as possible in the night will keep from alerting any buggy residents to your presence. The fetal position will also remind your husband that the shop is closed . . . and the store owner is not pleased with her accommodations.

5. Consult Doctor Internet. You’ve made it! You’ve returned home and might never take another trip farther than the local grocery store. But you’re not out of the woods yet! Are those bug bites on your kid’s leg? Oh? You’re feeling itchy, too? For the next three hours (minimum), scour the Internet for the difference between flea bites and bed bug bites. Read articles, but also don’t be afraid to pull up a few Google images! Get that microscopic view of a bed bug seared into your brain! Panic over the possible diagnosis for the next six days.

Be sure to repeat these five easy hacks if you have more than one night booked at your home-away-from-home, but be advised that survival past day one is not guaranteed. Have a great time!

About Ashley

Ashley arrived in God's country at the tender age of 13. She has big pride in her "little" city of Hurst. Ashley is married to Grant, the guy who caught her eye in high school. They have two wildlings, Barrett (2011) and Hadley (2013). With a husband who travels, Ashley takes a sick delight in recording the many misadventures that take place when she finds herself flying solo at home. Ashley enjoys sashaying across the studio floor in her hip-hop classes, smelling books at Half Price, and pretending she's not at Target when her husband calls. Follow her at Raising Mama Q.