Living Apart Together

Why a little separation can bring couples closer

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Popular gossip blog jezebel.com recently reported that actress Sarah Jessica Parker and her husband, Matthew Broderick, were headed for two separate boroughs just after the birth of their twin daughters.

SJP, who, unlike her Sex and the City character, now has three kids, was ready to decamp to slightly more bucolic Brooklyn, the site said. Broderick, on the other hand, would stay in the couple's West Village townhouse in order to be close to his work on Broadway.

The item raised more than a few eyebrows, especially since rumors of estrangement have plagued them before. Was the couple separating? Sure, it could be a subtle way to signal divorce, or it could be that they're joining the ranks of a growing relationship trend called the Living Apart Togethers—or LATs for short—couples who are committed to each other but maintain two different homes.

Kimberly Kaye, 26, and her boyfriend of six years broke up—geographically speaking—in late 2008 after living together for three years. He stayed in their apartment in Jersey City, NJ; she, like the Sex and the City star, got a place in Brooklyn.

"People think we're nuts," she says, "but it's honestly been the best decision we've ever made. Not only do we have the space to `miss' one another—our time together is now on a level akin to those early, passionate first dates."

But the move had a positive impact on their professional lives as well: "We both have been able to refocus on other pieces of our lives," says Kaye. She was promoted within four months of moving out, a career boost she attributes to her increased productivity. Her boyfriend gained a new stable of freelance clients, in part, she admits, because "I'm not there at night harping on him to `step away from the Mac and love me.'"

And even recent science proves the benefits of a little breathing room in the bedroom. "Fifteen years ago, experts in the field of sex therapy used to say that the best sex was among the people who were the most intimate—who knew all of the warts," says Scott Haltzman, MD, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University and author of The Secrets of Happy Families. "But there's been a pendulum shift in our thinking. We now know that one of the things that improves sexual attractiveness is not always being in the presence of another person. There's good evidence that an LAT can actually increase people's sexual attraction to each other."

Just ask Marilyn Casey, a marketing consultant in Cleveland, who credits her LAT relationship with igniting her sex life with her partner of 13 years. And it didn't even take a lot of distance: They live in separate apartments within the same complex. Still, says Casey, "making love in different beds makes sex more exciting. We maintain some mystery in the boudoir." Then again, sometimes LATs are motivated by economics, not eroticism.

"After living together for almost two years in Las Vegas, my boyfriend and I were both laid off due to the current economic conditions," says Melissa Harris, 27, a public relations executive. She found employment in DC; he landed a job in New Mexico, before eventually moving back to live in Sin City, alone. "We're still very much together, says Harris. "We chose to do it this way so that one of us didn't end up resenting the other for having to sacrifice a great job opportunity."

Erica Easley, 31, and Ed Chalfy, 49, both work in fashion. He owns the largest vintage store on the West Coast, in Portland, Ore.; she designs a line of knee socks, sold at rocksock.net, from L.A. They met in 2002, and after years of splitting their time between the two cities—living six months in one, six in another —the competing needs to grow both their businesses, as well as their relationship, made them decide to try on an LAT setup for size. They've been living separately for the past year and a half.

The two aren't sure they want the arrangement to be permanent—at times it can be lonely and stressful, says Easley—but, for now, Chalfa's sales are up 15 percent, and her business is going like gangbusters because she has undivided attention to give to her company. "It would be much harder to put the necessary time into managing and promoting Rock Socks if I had the happy distraction of a boyfriend home every night," she says. John Curtis, author of Happily Unmarried: Living Together and Loving It, says the situation is common among dual-income couples.

"The model of marriage in America hasn't changed in 50 years," says Curtis. "It was built on an economic model where he made the money and she did not." Now, he says, in relationships where two partners have separate but equal career concerns, more and more couples are being forced to get creative—and to compromise. "It used to be that if a husband was transferred, his wife automatically moved with him," says Curtis. "That doesn't work when she's making six figures too."

LATs are already commonplace in Europe: The rate of LAT relationships for women between 20 and 39 who have never married or lived with anyone is 32 percent in France and 47 percent in Switzerland. Until now, data on the trend within the U.S. has been scarce because, on a census report, anyone reporting his own address and no marriage partner would just be counted as single.

But, according to a new study out of UCLA, seven percent of unmarried American women and six percent of men self-identify as LATs, and three percent of married couples live apart from their spouse. "We were looking at this packet of family changes that's been happening over the past 40 years," says lead author of the study Charles Strohm, a sociology PhD student, "and one of the newest ideas out there are these nonresidential partnerships."

One reason for the rise? This generation, many of whom were raised by divorced parents, may be more gun-shy about commitment in general. As are some of their elders, who've tried a more traditional route and found themselves back at the drawing board. LAT relationships are also common among the divorced, who, back on the dating market again, find themselves less willing to compromise.

In general, according to the study, those who embrace living-apart-together relationships tend to live in urban areas, be better educated—they're twice as likely as cohabiting couples to have a college degree—possess more individualistic attitudes, and be more likely than married people to believe that men and women should share household duties.

For women, in particular, says Strohm, "it's a way to get the goodies out of a relationship but not contribute disproportionately to the housework, like when living with a partner." LATs, in that sense, may be a postmodern retort to "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"

Not to mention that it averts the possibility of arguments over the decor.

"My boyfriend and I have been dating exclusively for six years," says Roberta Kuehl, a divorcée who works in the medical field. Yet the couple lives 20 minutes apart, she in her two-bedroom apartment in Nassau County, NY; he in his Tudor home in Queens, NY.

For Kuehl, it came down to living styles: "His is quite spare, so Spartan it's almost Japanese," she says. "I prefer to surround myself with what he calls `clutter': artwork, books, magazines, photos, plants."

"This arrangement works for us," she says. "We talk every day and always call each other to say good night. We see each other most Wednesdays and on weekends. I cook for him, he cooks for me."

But at the end of the day, Kuehl likes having her space as well as no one to nag her about her "many closets of clothing."

Of course, not everyone is cut out for an LAT. How you prefer to love—and live—depends on where you fall on what psychologists call the "engulfment to avoidance continuum." Or as Beth Tunis, an L.A. marriage and family therapist, puts it: "Individuals need varying amounts of contact with their significant other. Some can hardly go anywhere without their spouse, while others are quite happy living independent lives."

What will make you successful as a couple—whether living on opposite coasts or sharing a twin bed—is the ability to complement each other emotionally, so you don't feel overwhelmed or abandoned by the amount of contact you have. If you're not in sync, she says, that's when fights begin.

So does an LAT, in and of itself, spell relationship doom? Seemingly for two celebrities with busy lives—from movie roles and clothing lines to fragrance endorsements and Broadway plays—a little space to breathe could be a good thing. But then you have to factor in kids. A lot of couples who embrace a living-apart-together setup aren't ready to have them, don't ever plan to—or have already raised theirs. Though, of course, there are exceptions.

Ed Bonza, 50, a college media adviser, and his wife, Carol, 49, are also textbook Living Apart Togethers. Both previously married, they have three kids between them—Ed's son, 10, and Carol's two sons, 15 and 10. After dating for two or three years, they decided to marry and have been happily hitched for three more. However, they live in two separate homes about 11 miles apart in Kennesaw, Ga.

"It's a second marriage for both of us," says Bonza, "so that may play into it. Neither of us ever want to get divorced again." Another factor weighing in, of course, is the kids.

"She's a very traditional mom in that the kids come first. I'm a very nontraditional dad in that my son also comes first," says Bonza. The first argument the couple ever had was over how to discipline each other's children, which also contributed to their decision. Even though the kids themselves have other ideas: "The oldest stepped in and said, `Why don't you move in together?' laughs Bonza.

A valid question, he says, but the downsides to nondomesticity don't outweigh the perks. "The positives are, when things get crazy over there, I come back to my apartment, where it's quiet. When we go out on dates, we really go out on dates. We don't forget!" The bottom line is that we want to make sure we're happy, the kids are happy, and that we don't get divorced. For right now, this is the solution."

According to experts, it's not life under two separate roofs—but your reasons for doing it—that will affect your long-term success. "I don't think that living apart is what makes people get divorced," says Elizabeth Rose, a Boston divorce mediator who sees marriages end every day. "I think it's about the fundamental breakdown of your relationship." And if you're already on shaky ground, it likely won't help matters. "If it is about escape from intimacy, loss of attraction, wanting to be with others sexually, staying together for the kids, or any host of what I call avoidance issues, I am not for it," says Mitch Newman, an L.A. relationship coach. But if you're someone for whom hearing about the concept of an LAT makes the lightbulb go on, "go for it," he says.

And that's the good news. Whether we know it or not, we're at a societal crossroads when it comes to relationships. Those shifting family dynamics the UCLA study referred to are part of what sociologists call the Second Demographic Shift, of which LATs are but one facet. The shift, say the authors, is about nothing less than "a marked change in the demography and meaning of couple relationships in Western society." Stuff you probably see around you (or in the headlines) every day: We're engaging in more sex outside of marriage, experiencing higher rates of divorce, embracing cohabitation, and exerting a huge push for more egalitarian roles.

The good news is there's no longer a one-size-fits-all way for two people to be together. Whether you choose to live across the country, two miles apart, or want nothing more than a ring on your finger and one roof over your head, how you define love and commitment in 2009 is very much up to you.