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Sunday, May 27, 2012

Bolingbrook concludes “Bane Drills” this weekend

A mix of fear and rage fills the air as nearly a thousand mercenaries lay siege to Bolingbrook’s Town Center. Dozens of police snipers on the roof seem to be all that is holding the army back.

Five snipers are aimed at one man. A muscular man wearing a shepherd's coat and a large metallic mask covering his mouth and nose. He’s standing on the wreck of a Jaguar. The mask apparently amplifies the man’s mumbling voice. The snipers fail to hid their confusion as the man tries to lecture them. The officers don’t flinch as he tears up a photo of The Bolingbrook Golf Club. The man pulls out a pink sheet of paper, and reads from it in a muffled voice. A few officers chuckle at the reading. The man growls and rips the paper to tiny shreds.

After several long tense minutes, the man’s voice suddenly becomes understandable.

“This will be the new mayor of Bolingbrook after I turn Town Center to ashes!”

A woman, wearing a business suit, walks towards the damaged car, holding a megaphone. When she reaches the car, she starts to lift it towards her face.

“Now!” One of the officers shouts.

A sniper hits the woman’s leg, and she crumples to concrete ground.

The mercenaries fire indiscriminately at the roof, while the snipers clear a path behind the man, who has now jumped off the jaguar.

A Bolingbrook police car, which was hiding behind the library, races into the clearing. Before the lumbering man can move, the car slams into him, pushing him through the underpass, and finally landing in the pond. Two officers jump out of the car and empty their revolvers into the man.

“You have the right to remain silent!” Yelled one of the officers.

Cut off from their leaders by the snipers, the mercenaries scatter into the subdivision.

Patrol officers emerge from Town Center and read the “mayor” her rights.

“It’s not my fault.” Protests the woman. “It’s Roger’s fault. He made people so mad that they did this. It’s Roger’s fault, not mine!”

“That was very well executed plan.” Said one of the officials. “You know it would have been easier to shoot him before he started speaking.”

“We thought he was just like the real Bane.” An officer replies over a megaphone. “This guy might have gotten his hands on some super-steroid and wouldn’t have been affected by our bullets. We just had to be sure.”

“We’ll talk!” Said the official.

When the men reached the jaguar, Claar picked up on one of the pink pieces of paper and turned to one of the officials.

“Who thought this would be funny?” Yelled Claar.

This Memorial Day weekend, Bolingbrook police and government officials are conducting a series of “Bane Drills” in anticipation of the release of The Dark Knight Rises. In this weekend’s scenario, a member of Bolingbrook’s opposition overdoses on steroids then hires protestors from Montreal to help him take over Bolingbrook.

“These exercises send an important message.” Claar told The Babbler. “If anyone thinks taking over Bolingbrook is just as easy as taking over Gotham City, you’re dead wrong. We’re ready to take on any Bane copycats out there!”

Kerry Rifler, a spokesperson for The Department of Homeland Security, defended the drills against charges that the circumstances are unlikely.

“Eleven years ago, it would have been impossible to imagine Canada becoming a conservative haven.” Said Rifler. “If Harper can become prime minister, then it is not impossible to imagine Canadian mercenaries invading Bolingbrook with the help of a disgruntled steroid user!”

Village officials stressed that the drills will not affect residents’ Memorial Day plans, but added that some residents could be “tested.”

Julie X. Hofferman, an employee at Barns and Noble, said Mayor Claar tested her on Friday.

“He came up to the counter, and said, ‘This is an emergency! Give me all of your comic books.’ Whom am I to question the Mayor? So I ran over to the comic book rack and started pulling books.”

Roger, according to Hofferman, told her to stop.

“He said I passed a test, and gave me a gift certificate for the Bolingbrook Golf Club. I didn’t know what to do with it, but thanked him anyway. Maybe I’ll have it framed or something.”

When The Babbler tried to reach the Canadian Consulate in Chicago, an official said they were involved in secret negotiations with the protestors, and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background a man said, “You should please stop protesting. You’re making Canada look bad, and an 80% tuition increase isn’t so bad. We’re just trying to prevent the children of hosers from invading our universities. You can appreciate that, eh?

A younger man replied, “Take off! You’re trying to destroy the middle class by taking away our university eductions. So I’m sorry to say that we’re going to have to tell your 1% friends and you to go (Expletive deleted) yourselves. Eh?”

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From illegal space aliens to the local weredeer population, we cover the stories the mainstream media won't cover! Since 1965, we've always told the truth about Bolingbrook, and its surrounding communities. To contact the webmaster, send your e-mail to bolingbrookbabbler@gmail.com. The Babbler reserves the right to print all messages.