Followers

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The new coalition government continued to outline its plans for the brand new era of change sweeping the country. Having revolutionised democracy by planning to ignore it, the next step is mathematics where centuries of tradition and fact based reasoning will be swept away to appease a power obsessed minority, who can’t count.

“Just like our plan to reform the archaic voting system of Britain. No longer will the idea of getting more votes somehow be deemed to give you the right to be an MP and having more MPs is deemed good enough to make you a government,” said the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. “From now on mathematics will be changed to give me, after all I am the voter, more power.”

Mr Clegg’s Liberal Democrats have confirmed that the value of pi , traditionally pegged to the ratio of a circle’s circumference and its diameter, will now be standardised on the easier to use value of 3.

“For too long British craftsmanship and engineering has been held back by the annoying nit-pickers who insist on all that fiddley transcendental irrationality with decimal places,” he said in an interview before his demonstration of a perpetual motion machine to a climate change conference. ““This New Mathematics that follows on from New Politics is simpler, easier and much less burdened with facts or reason.”

Mr Clegg said that the new value of pi at 3 would make calculations easier and more transparent and leading to an efficiency saving as Britain’s circles would require over 4% less raw materials.

Once a value of three had been accepted for pi the Liberal Democrat ruling elite members believe it would become straightforward for other mathematical principles to be re-evaluated for the good of voter.

“The Voter, yes me remember, may find that messy 50% plus one vote rule in no confidence ballots cumbersome if he wanted to fully represent his own power,” said the leader of the third placed party in the most recent mathematically sound election. “That is why I shall raise the number to a much simpler 55% of votes needed to remove me.”

Mr Clegg has dismissed challenges over his plans for electoral reform by pointing out that all of the journalists had studied humanities and they should ask a friend who could do sums.

“It depends if you believe like the voter, me, does, that I got 23% of the votes in a single constituency of 40 million voters that does not exist. Rather than having lost over 600 contests in the 657 seats that actually do exist,” he said making sure he looked everyone in the eyes, not around the eyes. “But in New Politics, like New Mathematics, the former is true and I should have 151 seats. And you’re back in the room.”

The Prime Minister was said to be fully supportive of his deputy’s plans on both voting and numerical reform.

“I agree with Nick. New Politics is about making sure that the loser wins if you support the loser,” said David Cameron. “Once Nick explained that under his New Mathematics Aston Villa are actually Premier League champions I had the trophy removed from Stamford Bridge and sent up the M6.”

The Prime Minister, who has been leader of the reactionary Conservative opposition party for half a decade is spearheading the New Politics in the New Era for Change.

“I agree with Nick or my Explosive Reactive Armour as I call him. Especially since this Liberal-Conservative coalition will have to make some very difficult and unpopular decisions,” said Mr Cameron. “Did you get that? Liberal, I said LIBERAL, write it down, yes a LIBERAL-conservative coalition will be closing hospitals and selling off the Royal Navy. L-I-B-E-R-A-L.”

The Liberal Democrats have now fulfilled their ideal of a numerically representative democracy in Britain with their party calling the shots, despite having less than 8% of the seats. However it has become apparent that the 5 days taken over paying for Nick Clegg’s services have left insufficient time to draft the Queen’s Speech to parliament, during which Her Majesty will outline the precise manner her new government will be sending the country back to the dark ages.

“It’s a big gig to have to wing and no mistake, innit. But I’ve done, what must be getting on for fifty of ‘the bleeders now? Cor blimey, God Bless My Mum.” said Her Majesty the Queen at a state opening of Lidl’s in Swindon. “I’ll pad it out with a clip-show of the best bits of past speeches – that bit about Hereditary Peers on the ’98 show got ‘em going. If all else fails I’ll throw in a couple of knob gags. And send the tanks into Downing Street.”