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So the year ends soon. It seems as I get older, years go by faster, but weeks and days go by slower, if that makes any sense. It feels as if time moves at weird paces; as if days move slower when you see what they contain or what they lack, and that years go by faster when you press play on all of the things that were recorded as time passed. We all know my fascination and obsession with the concept of time, so there is no need to dwell on that. I’ve looked back on the two posts I made on this blog about the new year, and I feel as if posting about it is a tradition for myself and for this blog.
In 2008, when I made this blog, I was naive (more naive than I am now) and I hadn’t lived as much. I had written a short entry about how my best friend and I became best friends after she lost her mom. I wrote about discovering Nerdfighters. In 2009, I posted the things I had become obsessed with, and when I remember writing that, I remember that I didn’t want to write about what was actually going on in my head and my life at that point in time. I was slowly but surely losing my best friend to her boyfriend, I didn’t have any other friends, and my dad was sick.
And now, here I am, writing a blog post about 2010. This year was one to remember, I guess, as are all my years. This year I became more invested in my online life; I realized that my friends online are closer to me than the ones I have in real life, and in some instances they are much better than my real life friends. I met a girl I often call my best friend, who I love and I never want out of my life. I found tumblr, which is one of the most intelligent and amazing communities I’ve ever been a part of. Even when tumblr has it’s bad times, which tend to be often, the community is still wonderful and the people I’ve met there are still incredible.
This year I was diagnosed with depression and GAD, and I was getting stress sick a lot. I still spend all of my weekends, for the most part, on the computer. This year I discovered the world of forensics and debate, something that I wish I had become involved in much earlier because I love it so much. I turned 16, and was spoiled by my parents, who I know love me more than anything. My mother got a job and my dad recovered, for the most part, from his illness, and things started to get better at home. I walked around for most of this year with the sinking feeling of emptiness or the heavy burden of guilt for putting people through the hell that is dealing with me.
This year I fell into like or love or lust or whatever the fuck it could possibly I called. I learned what it’s like to be wanted by someone and then have them pull away and then push back. I learned what it’s like to give yourself to someone for them to pull away and never push their way back in. I learned what a broken heart feels like. I learned that a broken heart is nothing I want, and nothing I ever want again.
This year I learned how to defend my opinions. I learned how to accept other people’s opinions even if I don’t agree with them. I learned how to listen to other people’s opinions and try to see their sides of things. I learned that something I want to be and something I am is accepting; of everyone, no matter what.
This year was rough in some places. There were times I wanted it to be the last year I ever lived through, but there were more times I wanted the exact opposite. The times that I succeeded, like when I placed second in debate, that made me want to keep going. The times I failed kept me going; the times I fell down made me realize I hated sitting on the ground because it was a pain in the ass. I learned a lot about myself this year, I learned a lot about how much I need to grow up and I learned that I have a lot more to learn and I need to stick around to learn it all.