the thoughts, ponderings, meditations and musings of a girl who spends most of her life out of her comfort zone

Tag Archives: Personal Growth

I’m just barely getting this in on time… its the last day of the month. February almost went by without a post. UGH. I feel like I should have done better, done more, and yet if I look back at what I have accomplished this month, its nothing to sneeze at. In the last six weeks I have:

So why do I still have that inner diatribe yelling at me? What is it that isn’t satisfied? Because in all that busy-ness I wonder if I really am making a difference. February is Heart-health awareness month – especially for women. Fitting seeing as the middle of the month is Valentine’s Day and its practically decorated to the hilt with hearts. And all of this leads to my introspection of my emotional heart health… Why do we do what we do? What is this thing that drives us? I believe it’s because we want to see a better world around us.

This shows up every week in the tweetchat. We worked with an 11 year old girl who wanted to give soldiers a piece of home to show them that we appreciate their sacrifices. Who knew it would blow up into a viral social media showdown, but her point was always the same. To honor those who sacrifice for our freedom. That’s the heart.

Health issues be it for women, those reconciling with scars from treatments, the late-term effects from cancer treatments, or Alzheimer’s and dementia are filling the twitter feed. Why do people care about it? Because it has impacted them and trying to help people either avoid unnecessary trauma (emotional, mental, or physical) is the goal. To help and give support and encourage. That’s the heart.

Did you know that a real feminist is a wonderful person to be around? She acknowledges the right of every woman to make her own choices – and we don’t all have to look the same. Whether you choose to work or stay at home with your kids or to not have children at all. We are not better than men, men are not better than women. True equality is in acknowledge and celebrating differences rather than being defensive about them and tearing down others. Why is this important? Because as the quote says, ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’. And I believe that if that is true, then logically acceptance of one’s identity in Christ is the source of joy. To know, believe in, and own your true identity. That’s the heart.

Unless we truly know our heart behind all the things we “do” we will continue being redundant, and run in circles like the proverbial rodent in a wheel, always busy but never accomplishing anything. A recent twitter follower, when questioned about why he chose to follow referred to my bio and said “I think it was the wanna be world changer – I think the world can be changed, but it takes focus” And he’s right. It DOES take focus, knowing the heart.

What is the heart behind your actions? I hope you take some time to know your heart today.

I’ve been silent dear readers. Why? I’ve been finding my new life. Truly. I moved back to North America from Africa in October. Spent a month in Toronto with family helping with my late grandmother’s estate, then moved into Mom & Dad’s in November to contemplate what my life would look like since the big change in August. Well, the waiting is over – here are some details of my new life…

My sunny spot

New Home – a sweet and cozy little one bedroom apartment in a sleepy South-Central Massachusetts hamlet. I’m trying to find where everything belongs and in the mean-time I’m living with the boxes…

New Job – I’m refocusing my organizational passions in the medium of radio. I’m the Office Manager for The Q 90.1 FM. We went on the air in early December 2012, and I came on board in mid-January. I’m excited about the possibilities of sharing a message of hope in this region. I still get to use all my knowledge of social media, organization, and meeting and sharing life with people.

New Life – so with a new home and a new job, is this really a new life? Not exactly. You see, with all the things that have changed me over the last couple of years, it is now the intention to have a renewed focus on being true to my God-given identity. What is that? As I put on my instagram bio “Girl. Jesus-follower. Wanna-be world changer”

You see, we are created by God with a destiny. Not only that, but we are given the passion to pursue His purpose for us if we will be honest with ourselves and connect with our Creator. If I’ve learned anything from the grief process, it’s that in the end, it’s not the things (new home) or paycheck (new job) which give merit to our lives, for in reality our physical selves will decay and become dust.

What truly matters is the impact we make on people. The lives that have influenced us, the hearts we have loved, the souls that we touch as each of us passionately pursue our divine purpose

Our relationship with this world is a strange paradox. The same can be said for our relationship with social media. It can bring friends from around the world into one place – as small as the palm of your hand. Sharing stories, major life events, participating with peers in all of the up and downs that life dishes out. Celebrating the victories with a retweet or like, bemoaning a crisis through a comment. We have distilled life into bite-sized pieces of 140 characters or less.

Yet, the frailties of our humanity are magnified. A headline from the Toronto Star on Saturday decried “Death by Social Media.” As a social media person, I read these stories with an avid interest, searching my own motives and agendas about being online. This, unfortunately, is not the first tragedy of its kind. A friend recently posted about a similar situation on his blog, reminding us that we need to remember to humanize our social media.

Every post is a person. Behind those avatars, profile pictures, and cover shots is a real live breathing human person with a soul and a story. Each post, tweet, blog, and instagram is the reflection of a moment of life. And every life matters. They matter to God, and as a Christian, they should matter to me. Whether it is a life barely begun in the womb of a woman, a life that is malnourished because of poverty, one that is at risk of being trafficked as a slave or sex-object, or one that just somehow fell through the cracks of nets that government and society have set up – they are important.

God sees them. Even if we don’t. He invites us to participate in His Kingdom by “hollowing out a great space in the hearts of those who will risk this loving and compassionate life-style.” To extravagantly love others is to risk hurt, rejection, and pain. To experience the sufferings of Christ. As I search myself, I hope I find a soul hollowed out to be filled with love, rather than one fits “the world’s mold that will leave us misshapen in our souls.”

I’ve written before about my desire to live ‘out loud’ and my refusal to have a ‘beige life’. (If you’re new to the blog, you can read that here, and here). And those of you who follow me on Facebook and Twitter have probably seen my recent posts about Perry Noble’s new book “Unleash!” I have to say, I really love that the subtitle is ‘Breaking Free from Normalcy” – because as we all know, as the sage of Americana Erma Bombeck said “Normal is just a setting on the dryer”.

I’m a huge reader, and I like to mark-up my books so I can go back to those passages that stood out to me. Thus, my e-book is now full of highlighted passages like

“The unleashing of our lives begins when we refuse to believe it’s too late for us, when we reject the idea that we’re too damaged for God to do anything with, when we stop being obsessed with ourselves… “Who is the Lord, and what does He want to do through me?”*

and “Believing that lie held me hostage to what can be one of the most damaging enemies of the unleashed life: religion… In doing so, I ceased to live for the things that really matter to God and began to hyper-focus on the things that mattered to me!”*

My high school English teachers were big on instructing us to find themes in books. In reading through Unleash!, there was a theme that kept resounding like an unrelenting klaxon – “we live in the prisons of our own making yet Christ came to set us free. The door is unlocked, we just have to try the handle and walk out!” WHY do we stay inside, peering through the window, feeling left out, alone and abandoned, resigned to the vanilla-ness of it all? Now don’t get me wrong, I love vanilla, but I like it best when its dressed up a bit with some chocolate! We accept the bland, boring and banality of a less-than life, when God promises us abundance, a veritable hot-fudge banana split. Why do we keep pushing it away?

Perry points out several reasons. The performance trap, trauma and tragedy from our past, unforgiveness, and our passivity to take the next step caused by both fear and disobedience. Written like that, it can seem like the usual trite religious tirade of “Try harder, do more”. However, I agree with Perry that though we can point out these issues, we cannot handle them on our own and its impossible to gain victory in any of these areas until we learn the limitless unleashing grace of God.

“God wants good things for you. That’s what He wants for all His children. He wants us to experience the life, joy, and peace found in Christ— everything that comes with living an unleashed life.”*

I’ve got more reading and thinking to do. Between Unleash! and the Bonhoeffer biography, my head is swimming with things that are challenging my status quo. That’s a good thing, because that’ll help keep things interesting. I don’t want to stay inside when all I have to do is just turn the knob.**

And the truth is – it isn’t fair that plans get cancelled and dreams don’t always come true. It’s not fair that I’m no longer planning a wedding, pinning my dreams on Pinterest, preparing for a marriage and family. It’s not fair – but it is life.

Life is not fair as our mothers oft told us in our younger days. It is not fair, balanced, and organized. Rather, I believe instead, it is more like managed chaos with moments of crises and excitement thrown in just to keep it interesting. So I can either choose to sulk and pout and pitch a fit about the unfairness of it all OR I can suck it up, put on my big girl pants, and look for the new opportunities that are in front of me now.

It is never too late to start over as my friends The Afters keep blaring in my earbuds. Consequently I will – even at the oldadvancedmature age of 35. The possibilities before me are quite varied – and hard to believe – God trusts me to hear Him and choose.

SO – anyone want to hire a 35 year old administrative, organizational aspiring writer who likes to travel, enjoys new experiences, and wants to make a difference in the world?

Ever have those days where your head is so full of various thoughts, words, emotions, that you just don’t know where to start to put it down… Just as you think you have a clear direction on one topic, something else grabs your ears, and yells “Pay attention to me!!” So off you go – putting oil on the proverbial squeaky wheel, until you lost the immediacy and original passion for the first idea, but not entirely, so it sits there, percolating, simmering until a new perspective on that idea bursts and drags your mind to muddle that through.

There and back again…

Back and forth, hither and thither, up and down – my imagination has wandered to the reformation, before creation, and into the light of eternity this week. From Germany, Narnia, New York, Jerusalem and the golden streets of the heavenly realms. Theology, dogma, the doctrines of sacrificial love, preparing for coming crises, the acceleration of change in our culture…

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

Thoughts can be so elusive sometimes. Is it possible to pull the ephemeral from the air and make it something physical, the solidity of black and white words? If the possibility exists, tell me, will someone else understand it? For what good is it to put the thoughts out there, to tell the message, if no one can comprehend what is being said?

In the stillness…

In quiet and tranquility , if we wait long enough, and ponder a thought sufficiently, it will eventually settle. It will solidify, and clarify. Thoughts must be sifted out of fiction, filtered through experience, and tried by the fire of truth before being declared in the public forums. Once processed, a true thought will come out, understood by the soul, heart, and mind, transparent not only to oneself but also by the audience.

So, I will continue to wrestle my focus between a variety of thoughts, ideas and concepts – noodle them through, and once I understand my perspective on the ideas, I will share them – or not, if they should happen to fail the tests of truth and time.

Like this:

Have you ever been on a long road trip, taken a nap while another person was driving, and you were totally disoriented when you woke up because the landscape around you had changed and you were now in unfamiliar territory?

When this happens in life what do you do? Suddenly, the future before you has changed. You’re not sure what to do. What had seemed a certainty is now gone, instead of a few possible choices, anything is a possibility. While choice is great, too many choices are overwhelming.

Having a game-plan doesn’t ensure success.

Personally, I’m the type who prefers to always have a game-plan, and usually with a few back-up plans just in case Plan A falls apart. Unfortunately, sometimes my plans turn into an epic fail. And even though I’ve said I’d rather take the risk to either succeed spectacularly or fail epically, its really no fun to feel like you’ve failed. Success is always preferred.

Right now my heart hurts, my brain is on overload, and my emotions are all over the map. How do I make sense of this? Where is God in all of this? Did I miss something? Where did I go wrong? Is my judgement really that off? How could I have possibly messed this up so badly?Can I really trust myself again? These are the thoughts that plague me in the quietness of the night hours. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Even listening to my iTunes can be dangerous if the wrong song plays in the shuffle.

What’s a girl to do?

“Be still and know that I am God.” Still. Do I know how to be still? Not very well. In fact out culture pretty much shuns stillness. Between books, internet and social media, television, movies, smartphones, and tablet devices we have an multitude variety of things to keep our minds and brains so entertained that we forget how to be still and just listen. Sometimes we’re afraid of our own thoughts – but are those really what we need to be listening to? I’ve heard it said that to get to true stillness we need to:

Quiet our actions so we can hear our voice

Quiet our voice so we can hear our thoughts

Quiet our thoughts so we can hear our breathing

Quiet our breathing so we can hear our heartbeat

Quiet our heartbeat so we can hear our soul

Quiet our soul so we can hear the Voice of God (paraphrased)

The landscape has changed.

So, here in this new place, which seems so barren, I’m allowing myself to be still. To be okay with being in the ‘in-between’. And while I’m being still and quiet He will heal me and then He will whisper to me which way I’m supposed to go.