Borderwall/Quotes

Steve: Dammit, Bud! Do your job and no more excuses. I'd demote you, but you're already the lowest-ranking government employee. If you got demoted again, you'd reset at the top and become president. The only one that's ever happened to was George W. Bush.

[Bud finds the wreckage of an old plane crash]

Bud: Oh, my God, an old plane! It must have been headed for the sky and got lost!

Becky: What are they gonna do with the money?

Bud: They're having a town meeting tonight, to decide, but I'm gonna make sure they use it to build a border wall.

Becky: Dad, a border wall would do nothing but waste taxpayers money!

Sanford: Why would you wanna build a bowling ball? Isn't it more important we get my hearing checked?

Ernesto: I know a wall would be bad, but at least it would put Ramirez landscaping out of business. They're so bad, they make Diego landscaping look like Martinez landscaping. Ha ha. I told that at LeafCon, it killed.

Ernesto: Gonzalez Landscaping: We love you lawn time!

Steve: Buckwald, you're fired.

Bud: What!?

Steve: With that wall up, we don't need you anymore, so hand in your gun and uniform.

[Bud takes off his uniform, revealing a Hello Kitty shirt underneath]

Steve: What the hell are you wearing a Hello Kitty shirt for?

Bud: You're not my boss anymore, I don't have to tell you.

Steve: You're rehired.

Bud: I love Hello Kitty. She's a kitty and she has a nice greeting.

Steve: You're fired.

Gert: Don't you worry, daddy, we gunna be fine. I still have those pennies the Goldbergs gave us for Trick-or-Treat.

Janice: Sanford, you're 24 and able-bodied. Maybe you could go out and get a job.

Sanford: Sure. Maybe I could sell drugs. How would you feel if I were to sell drugs?

[Cutaway to a spy van, parked outside the house]

Spy: He's amazing. They really think he's their son.

Ernesto: Hola Bud, you wanna come over for a Cerveza?

Bud: No, I don't wanna watch cockroaches dance around a hat.

Gert: None of you turkey had better bother daddy, while he's resting or I'll whip you with my CB antenna.

[Gert takes out a CB antenna and gets a signal from a passing by trucker]

Trucker: Any little girls out there? Come back.

Bud: Janice, do you hear Spanish whispering?

Janice: You mean now or when you're out at bowling night?

Bud: What?

Janice: Uh, I meant the store.

Mexican: Gracias, Senor. By the way, you know about the ...

Bud: Yeah, he's the son we don't talk about.

[A monstrous, deviated version of Sanford is seen, chained up in the floorboards under the bathroom, screaming and flailing about]

Bud: Hey, Ernesto. I've got a message for ya.

Ernesto: What is it?

Bud: Look up in the sky.

[Ernesto looks up in the sky and skywriting is seen, spelling out "Bud Buckwald"]

Bud: Aw, crap. I filled out the skywriting form wrong. It's supposed to say "I quit."

Ernesto: Is that your social security number?

[The skywriting then reveals the number "549-24-1889"]

Bud: Aaaah! I gotta call everyone in town and tell them not to look up!

Sanford: I don't like jazz. Especially, when I get it all over my face. Wait, I'm thinking of adult contemporary.

[Sanford bribes Steve with money]

Bud: Here's $1,000. Why don't you just forget what you saw?

Steve: Where did you get $1,000?

Bud: Here's $2,000, to forget about that $1,000 dollars you saw and before you ask, here's $3,000.

Janice: Well, Bud, I'm sorry your border wall didn't work out.

Bud: Yeah, I just wanted to be the man for once.

Janice: Well, you'll always be my man. And look on the bright side. Your album reached the top of the jazz charts. You sold seven copies.