Help a reader before I do

I got an email from a reader asking my opinion on a lil’ sitch she’s found herself in. And, she asked that I reach out to you, as well. Here’s her email:

I have been working for the same boss since I graduated college. He is in his early 50’s, married with four children. I am actually friends with one of his daughters. We became friends during my internship with our company, and she was doing work there, too. Anyway, I just turned 24 last week and my boss mentioned we never celebrated. Normally we all (a group of about 8 of us colleagues, including our boss) go out to lunch on his treat. But, because we were all busy and couldn’t find a time, somehow it slipped. I didn’t mind.

Yesterday morning, my boss approached me and asked if I wanted to grab lunch that day. I said sure, thinking everyone would be invited. When we were getting ready to leave, I noticed no one else was getting up to leave for lunch. I asked him if we should wait for everyone and he said “it’s just us.” I thought okay, no big deal.

At lunch, at a fancier place than we normally go, we talked about work and then a holiday event for a board he’s a member of. He said his wife couldn’t make it and that if I wanted to accompany him, I’d be “more than welcome.” I’m confused as to whether that is appropriate or not. I am his employee, his daughter’s friend and I have never felt uncomfortable around him before. But, acting as a date to an event where his peers will be doesn’t sit completely right with me. Of course, I’m also afraid to offend him and wondering how to explain it if I choose not to go.

Thoughts?

I have some thoughts on this — but to be honest, I’m more curious what you have to say.

55 Responses

Just simply because it is your boss, I would not go with him to anything outside of work. (Having lunch as a group is fine but that evening event is a no-no). You can easily explain why you can’t go or even make up something.

I suspect he has his eye on you and hoping you’ll have an affair with him.

Have you ever hung out alone with him before? Are the two of you friends outside of the group of 8? Do you talk one-on-one via email, text, in person at work, etc. and if so, is his wife and daughter comfortable with that?
If not, then I would say that it would be a little weird that he’s inviting you to this party. I wouldn’t go. You say it doesnt sit right with you so I think you should listen to your gut.
I have a very close work friend (a work husband if you will, a term that Amanda does not agree with ) who is 20 years older, male, married, step-kids and I consider him one of my best friends. We go out for cocktails, e-mail, have personal conversations, and this is very normal for us. We also hang out with our partners as a foursome, and in a group with other coworkers– as any normal friendships do. There isn’t and has never been anything more than a friendship for over 7 years, and if he asked me to attend an event with him, I wouldn’t think it was odd at all. I would probably go as long as his wife knew and was okay with it.
Despite what many believe, there IS such a thing as the opposite sex being JUST friends, regardless of age. There are all types of friendships that exist in the world!

I’d let it go..for now. It may be that he sees you as more of a friend, considering you have a friendship with his daughter. That being said, it is weird and he is more likely testing the waters to see if you would be receptive to something more. But, like I said, let it go for now and see if anything more is said about the event. And of course, if he makes you uncomfortable in any way, run for the hills.

I would pass, work functions are acceptable in a group or one-on-one, but this one-on-one evening invitation b/c his wife is unable to attend seems rather odd. I don’t think the wife would be sitting comfortably with this idea either, in fact, if he needs a companion, he should be taking one of his daughters rather then a younger staff employee. There’s a fine line when mixing work/pleasure, I would watch that line like a hawk.

You may want to consider telling your boss that you will go if his daughter (your friend) can make it, saying how nice it would be for the two of you to catch up. If he says yes to that, then call your friend to confirm that you will be there. If your boss scoffs at that idea, then tell him that it would be too uncomfortable for you to be there with a bunch of board members you don’t know, but that you’re looking forward to the next group outing with all of your coworkers.

Men are pigs. All of them. Even your happily married boss who is a nice guy. You should keep that in the back of your mind at all times. It’s like drugs, JUST SAY NO! Make up an excuse why you cant go. But DO NOT tell him that you feel uncomfortable about it. Things will change. And not in a good way. He will look at you differently. Things at work will be strange.

Are you in a position with the company where it would otherwise be appropriate/natural for you to attend that function in a professional capacity? For example, are you the company’s PR director or does your job have something to do with the organization that is hosting the event? Would he introduce you by saying this is “Sally” our [the company’s] “Director of ….” If it makes sense professionally it might be OK. If it feels like you are his “date” then you are busy that night with a family holiday committment that you cannot break.

Hmmm…. this is tough! I have a million questions for the reader but here is my attempt trying to see this through his eyes. He might have asked you because you are close with his family so he feels that all parties would be ok with you being his date. He also might have asked you because he thought it would be a good opportunity for you to network. He might have taken you to lunch alone so he could ask you about this without your co-workers knowing/hurting their feelings.
But… only you know what your intuition is saying and you need to trust your gut.

This may be the first time you find yourself in a position like this, but it will likely not be the last. As a woman in the business world, you will come across this in many different forms. Please don’t underestimate the likelihood that your boss is asking you to go because he is attracted to you. The fact that he is married, older, a stand-up professional does.not.matter. My advice is don’t go and definitely don’t be concerned about bruising his ego, whether his intentions are innocent or not. Maybe I’m taking the “paranoid” stance, but it’s better than the naive stance, in my opinion.

Just say no thank you and leave it at that. If you feel the need to give him a reason… have to shampoo my hair that night… then do so but don’t elaborate. He is your boss and keep it that way… if things get uncomfortable for him, for any reason, he can fire you with no explanation needed.

Why doesn’t he take his daughter to the event? This guy’s a dirty old man and you’re probably not the first young woman he’s targeted.

Red flag 1: He already took you to lunch alone. Red Flag 2: He’s in a position of power over you and you feel uncomfortable whether you accept or decline this invitation.

Look him firmly in the eye and tell him, “No, thank you, I can’t. I’m doing something with my PARENTS that night.” Keep staring and offer him no further explanation. If he pressures you, tell him that he can call your parents if he doesn’t believe you. Dirty old pervs DO NOT want to deal with irate parents who are on to them and who might be angry enough to call the wife.

I remember how it was to be young and to be harassed (and worse) by a dirty old male employer. I got the creep to back off until I could find a better job, but it was in a less conventional manner that old pervs understand. 😉

Even if nothing really happens, it isn’t appropriate, and I think any halfway decent guy knows this. I’m really sorry that you’re in this situation…He shouldn’t have done this to you. Some men are just idiots.

To be honest – this happens all the time at my job. ALL THE TIME. In fact – this identical situation has happened. I would go, act professional and have fun. It’s not unheard of, it’s not unusual. Make sure it’s not a secret around the workplace – put it on your calendar as “Work event with _______”. Being a strong woman in a situation like this is empowering – and if he has alternative expectations, he will be getting a clear message from you that this is professional and nothing more. He likely won’t act on it.

There is nothing greater than a woman’s intuition and if it “doesn’t sit right” with you, you should trust your instinct. You will not be offending him if you decline the invitation. Simply say, thank you for inviting me, but I have a prior obligation. You don’t have to say anything else. I do think it is very strange that he did not invite anyone else to lunch when it is normal practice in your office to do so.

Just say that you are sorry, but you cannot attend. You shouldn’t say why, because he’s already not thinking clearly, and he could make the situation even more comfortable.

After this, he might even start treating you differently. He will probably know what your assumptions were, and he will feel rejected and “found out” at the same time. You should probably start getting help finding a new job. Again, I’m sorry that you have this burden.

Maybe an older woman with more experience under her belt can successfully pull off turning the tables on this guy, but she’s 24. I understand that men in the office like having attractive women around, and that they can be friends, and a lot of them think about sleeping with the women they work with…it’s undeniable that a woman’s sex appeal definitely does have an impact on her career. But…I really think she’d be over her head at this point if she accepted the invite.

Haha even though Ricahrd Gere LOOKS like a old man compared to Julia Roberts, arent they pretty close in age. A better picture would have been of the father and daughter from that new show Suburgatory…everytime (twice) I watch it, all I can think is how they look like they could be dating! Plus its Elton from Clueless and we all know what kind of shenanigans he likes to play in cars in the Valley…hmmm I guess I’m a little off topic.

This is a no brainer. As everyone else said, politely say no thank you I have ::insert some prior engagement:: that night. I wouldnt start looking for a new job just yet though.

Regardless if anything happens or not. It is ALWAYS in the back of a mans mind if there is a possiblity to sleep with a woman he invites to lunch or an event like this. To think otherwise is putting far too much faith in men. And yes, I am a man.

Simply put, don’t go. Regardless of how he intended this invitation to be perceived, it’s not sitting well with you, and that’s all that matters. Politely decline and be weary of future actions and invitations. Unless he’s super hot and rich, then I’d say get on it. Im totally kidding about the last part.

@JT You’re right. Damn, I should probably shut my mouth now. I must be the guy who is interested in the girl who wrote in!
Bro Code Rule #4
A bro never divulges the existence of the bro code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason.

This guy is successful in business is he not? You don’t get that far by not knowing the line between what is appropriate and what isn’t. He KNOWS he’s being inappropriate yet he’s doing it regardless. So he’s not just a weasel, but a sneaky weasel. Plus, it’s like he primed you with the solo lunch. Pretty conniving. I agree with A. above. He may have thoughts, but real men keep such thoughts and actions to themselves. I’d decline the offer saying you’re unavailable. If anything like this happens again, then you have to weigh whether a formal complaint is warranted.

I would simply decline and tell him the truth that you are not comfortable attending an event such as that with someone who is your boss. I don’t think lying to him is a good idea. I think it is important you state that you are not comfortable with going with someone who is your boss. It is key that you say that to ensure it shows the boundary of your relationship and should stop him from further questioning. If he badgers you with questions just stand your ground.

Amanda replies: OK. I think I’m ready to weigh in…I think. This situation was hard for me to offer advice on, because it involves your career/professional life. And, the last thing I’d want to do is somehow advise you to mess it up.

That said, I agree that if it doesn’t completely sit right with you, you shouldn’t go. I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes and the thought of dressing myself up, doing my hair and makeup to accompany my boss, and friend’s father, as a date to a holiday event makes my skin crawl, to be honest. It just isn’t appropriate. The only young lady he should be taking as his date is his daughter. Otherwise, he should attend alone. It also makes me wonder what his wife thinks/would think of this.

But, in any case — I would politely decline, and say you have a family engagement that your mother/father reminded you of, and must be present for. Let your parents in on this, as well — just to cover all bases.

I’ve also thought of the possibility that it could be an event in which you could chalk up to being a professional networking experience, but still — the image you’d be presenting — a 24-year-old woman as her 50-something boss’s date — wouldn’t bode well for your reputation with those who may form scandalous assumptions.

Assumptions tend to turn into rumors, and rumors can be associated with you forever.

Also, when you decline, you have no idea how he’s going to react. At his age, and in his position, he likely knows a lot of people. You never know what else he’s going to do or say about you after your declination, and what people will think of it. This is why I believe you should distance yourself ASAP.

Agree completely 100% with Roz! In addition, I also understand that the readers work/professional job security could be on the line. DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT – it may seem silly now but down the road could be useful.

PS – Work spouses do exist! And men and women can be work spouses WITHOUT being sexually intimate!

It’s not just the possible sexual tension I’d be annoyed with, it’s the emotional support. Like I (partially jokingly) said in this post :

“Do the work spouses make lunch for each other? Do they comfort one another when their favorite pen runs out of ink? Do they make out? I just don’t get it. Isn’t one marriage at a time enough?”

I mean, if someone needs that much emotional support at work, that they find themselves with a work “spouse” — well, maybe they should consider looking into how they can handle stress better independently.

The term work spouse is typically said as a joke.
Obviously, a work friend should not fulfill the things your actual spouse should. It’s just how others usually refer a male and female close friendship at work. It’s not supposed to be taken seriously.

Keep it simple and politely decline. Do not do what #34 said and start talking about boundaries and all that with him. If there is repeat behavior in the future then it still wouldn’t be your responsibility to have that conversation with him but instead go to your HR department.

I didn’t read the comments….only read the initial post and when I read “I thought, okay, no big deal,” I knew it WAS a big deal. Trust your gut and when you don’t want to go to lunch alone with your boss, regardless if there is sexual tension or not, DON’T GO. No explanation is required. A simple, “No, thank you” is sufficient.

I agree with most and say you should absolutely decline the invitation. However, do not lead on to why you declined. Simply put, you have a former commitment. If he keeps bugging about it even after the declination then you know his intentions weren’t pure.

I don’t think you should look for another job just yet. Yes, You had an invite which seems inappropriate. But, is it possible it was not meant to be? Yes. Most likely not, but don’t walk out on a career path over an assumption. Do however, stay perceptive. If something like this happens again or things don’t go back to “normal” than you should start looking else where.

I believe I have figured out the real reason why he is asking for you to go to the event. He is not trying to woo you, date you, start a relationship, or a one night stand. You are too close to his family for that, but he using that as an excuse to invite you.

The real reason is that he is tying to impress someone else who will be at that event, by bringing you there to appear to be his ‘date’. He wants to or needs to impress someone else who will be in attendance.

Do not go, politely decline. And be alert now, you may see/hear things about his behavior toward you that continue to make you feel uncomfortable. That’s how sexual harassment starts, makes the victim feel uncertain as to what exactly is taking place.