In Florida, James Domer Brenner and his partner are currently suing the state to recognize their marriage, which was legally performed in Canada. Florida does not currently allow same-sex marriage or recognize marriages performed legally elsewhere, so this is likely to be a pretty important case.

However, one man is really not happy about it. His name is Chris Savier, “a former Judge Advocate and combat veteran” who is really just a treasure. In order to protest the case before it even starts, he filed a motion to intervene in this case and demand the right to marry his “porn-filled Apple computer.” In the 24-page long document, Savier insists that if gay people “have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object.”

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I ‘fell in love’ with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

Sevier says that he is here to make the courts “put up or shut up” about the freedom to marry. He also insists that sexual orientation did not exist as a classification until President Obama came along and pushed his “social agenda to make America a ‘gay nation.'” Which, I imagine, comes as quite a surprise to everyone in the world who ever came out of the closet before 2008.

Does he think that people are actually going to go “Yes! I finally see the light! Gay marriage is exactly like someone marrying an Apple computer that is filled with porn! And surely, we cannot have that! Heterosexual marriage for everybody!” or something?

But I don’t care if he marries an Apple computer that is filled with porn. I also don’t care what his favorite color is or if he likes Brussels sprouts. I have no vested interest in his love-life whatsoever, and neither, I imagine, does anyone else. If you ask me, marrying a porn-filled Apple computer is the probably least weird thing anyone has done in Florida so far this week, and it’s only Monday.

As it turns out, this is not even Chris Savier’s first lawsuit regarding a porn-filled Apple computer. Previously, he tried to marry it in Utah. Last year, while living in Tennessee, he attempted to sue Apple for selling him a computer that allowed him to access porn. That 50-page lawsuit demanded that Apple “sell all its devices in ‘safe mode,’ with software preset to filter out pornographic content.”

Apparently, after purchasing this computer, Savier “accidentally” typed “Fuckbook.com” instead of “Facebook.com” and was led to a site that “appealed to his biological sensibilities as a male and led to an unwanted addiction with adverse consequences.” He also accused Apple of enabling unfair competition between his wife and porn actresses:

UNFAIR COMPETITION AND INTERFERENCE OF THE MARITAL CONTRACT: The Plaintiff became totally out of synch in his romantic relationship with his wife, which was a consequence of his use of his Apple product. The Plaintiff began desiring, younger more beautiful girls featured in porn videos than his wife, who was no longer 21 … The Plaintiff could no longer tell the difference between internet pornography and tangible intercourse due to the content he accessed through the Apple products.

He also stated in the lawsuit that all the free porn was unfair to “mom and pop porn shops.” The whole thing is totally bizarre and kind of amazing.

And believe it or not, it freaking gets better. Sevier was once arrested for stalking country music star John Rich, whom he once sued for “intentional infliction of emotional distress” over a couple songs. Among other things, he sent Rich this picture of himself covered in blood with an American flag draped over him.

Sevier has also tried to sue A&E and President Obama for being mean to Phil Robertson of “Duck Dynasty.” I think if I kept Googling him I’d find even more weird stuff, but I shall leave you all with his Facebook page, filled with a lot of pictures of him “modeling.” ENJOY.

EMERGENCY UPDATE: He has a freaking band. Called “Ghost Wars.” Let’s all die a thousand deaths of laughter together, shall we?