Top 50 job interview questions answered the way they should be

Job interviews are often filled with unnecessary questions and ambiguity. The problem is so common that I often dream about the opportunity to apply for a job I don’t want just to see how it unfolds.

I have provided an example of how that interview might go down:

1. Tell me about yourself:
Do you want the whole thing or just bits and pieces. I have a very ‘storied’ past.

2. Why did you leave your last job?
I didn’t. It left me.

3. What experience do you have in this field?
I have worked in it.

4. Do you consider yourself successful?
Yes.

5. What do co-workers say about you?
I’ve never asked them to talk about me.

6. What do you know about this organization?
That you have a job opening.

7. What have you done to improve your knowledge in the last year?
I have read the news and I watch public television and listen to public radio.

8. Are you applying for other jobs?
Not at the moment, but I applied for tons of jobs earlier this week.

9. Why do you want to work for this organization?
I don’t recall saying I did. Do you already know why you want me to work for you?

10. Do you know anyone who works for us?
No, if I did, I probably wouldn’t have to sit through this BS.

11. What kind of salary do you need?
One that gives me as much income as possible and one that absolutely maximizes the income limitations of this job.

12. Are you a team player?
I used to be but I hung up the cleats and skates. I usually play individual sports now like Poker and Darts.

13. How long would you expect to work for us if hired?
That’s a very good question. Probably until something better comes along.

14. Have you ever had to fire anyone? How did you feel about that?
No, but if given the chance, I would fire tons of people.

15. What is your philosophy towards work?
I do, therefore I work.

16. If you had enough money to retire right now, would you?
Tell me…when you’re at the movie theater, do you ask people what they’re doing there?

17. Have you ever been asked to leave a position?
Yes, but I am very convincing. It’s all good.

18. Explain how you would be an asset to this organization
I would be an asset because I am valuable and useful, thus fulfilling the definition of the word asset.

19. Why should we hire you?
I am available and you are obviously short one employee.

20. Tell me about a suggestion you have made
I once told Perkins that they need to bring the wishing well back. The wishing well was an area near the front of the restaurant that offered children free plastic toys. It’s the only reason I still eat at Perkins. I’m still awaiting my chance at making a plastic frog leap once again.

29. Tell me about a problem you had with a supervisor
One of them had very bad breath. It was a huge problem for the whole office.

30. What has disappointed you about a job?
I had a job where they promised a full month of wearing jeans. You can imagine my excitement. Later, I came to find out that I had to donate money to United Way in order to sport my denim. This was very disappointing because I had just purchased 3 new pairs of jeans.

31. Tell me about your ability to work under pressure.
How many pascals are we talking? Are we talking about atmospheric or water pressure?

32. Do your skills match this job or another job more closely?
What other job?

33. What motivates you to do your best on the job?
Shane Falco, QB for Ohio State when they lost in the Sugar Bowl once said “Pain heals, chicks dig scars…glory lasts forever.” So probably money.

34. Are you willing to work overtime? Nights? Weekends?
Are you hitting on me?

35. How would you know you were successful on this job?
When I arrive to work each day and I leave work under my own will.

36. Would you be willing to relocate if required?
Not within the confines of the office but I’m willing to negotiate.

37. Are you willing to put the interests of the organization ahead of your own?
Castration is illegal in the lower 48.

38. Describe your management style.
I just did.

39. What have you learned from mistakes on the job?
That it is usually other people’s fault.

40. Do you have any blind spots?
I don’t see how my car or vision fits into this equation.

41. If you were hiring a person for this job, what would you look for?
I wouldn’t be looking because I know I’m available.

42. Do you think you are overqualified for this position?
I am always overqualified unless there are physical limitations. I did a summer of roofing buildings. Placing me closer to the sun is not a good idea.

43. How do you propose to compensate for your lack of experience?
The same way you compensate for your surplus of arrogance.

44. What qualities do you look for in a boss?
Someone who doesn’t care what I’m doing and forgets about stuff.

45. Tell me about a time when you helped resolve a dispute between others.
A group of friends could not agree on the top 100 comedies of all time. I helped resolve the dispute by creating a google spreadsheet during work. It’s all about providing the tools necessary for people to come to a healthy resolution.

46. What position do you prefer on a team working on a project?
Wow. Didn’t expect this one. Probably reverse cowgirl?

47. Describe your work ethic.
If you ask me to deliver, I will deliver. If you ask me to get it done tomorrow, and it takes one day, you’ll have it by tomorrow. If you ask me to get it done next week, and it takes one day, you’ll get it next week. It’s all about balancing free time and expectations.

48. What has been your biggest professional disappointment?
Probably this interview.

49. Tell me about the most fun you have had on the job.
Without getting into too much detail, it involved over sized beef jerky sticks and resulted in a customer complaint.

50. Do you have any questions for me?
Three of them.
1) How many more questions are there?
2) Are you going to offer me the job?
3) How much are you going to pay me?