12/13 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Nattie and Lana go to war, is it a bachelorette party or engagement party, Alexa and Nikki get massages

By Sarah K., PWTorch contributor

So, for whatever reason, everyone is in Cabo and Lana and Nattie fight. The show opens shamelessly with the Bellas doing a Birdee Bee photo shoot… so Brie’s post-baby body will be endlessly discussed. This is the foreshadowing. The excuse for going to Cabo is an engagement party for Nikki. Alexa and Nikki show up first in Cabo. Evidently this gathering will be the Bellas, Alexa, Carmella, Nattie, Trin, and Nattie. Alexa fills in Nikki on the argument between Lana and Nattie from the last episode. Nikki thinks it will be entertaining to watch them fight. Grattuitous T&A – Alexa and Nikki get massages (because teenage boys and men need to masturbate?). Meanwhile, backstage at Smackdown, Nattie, Carmela, and Trin discuss Lana, who – like a classic wrestling villain – listened to the entire thing. LOL, this bodes well, not. They show some Smackdown Women’s Division match footage.

This is the never-ending opening segment, so, on to Brie and Bryan’s second home in San Diego (somewhere in Arizona, you know these granola eating hipsters have a fridge and freezer running – saving the planet my ass). Brie and Bryan are in the bedroom. I guarantee you that the things that infants do are only fascinating to their immediate family. If you want to watch an infant bat at a toy, yeah, no, me neither. Meanwhile, the four remaining Cabo participants are doing some shots on their way to the hotel. They facetime with Nikki and Alexa. Lana makes some cracks about Nattie’s promo skills, so, you know this is not going to go well. Anyway, commercial.

Back from commercial, the whole gang assembles at the house. There’s hugging. Lana and Trinity go in search of rooms. They have some shots. There’s an argument over who is in what room. Nattie decides to move Lana’s stuff. Of course, Lana notices that someone has moved her stuff. Nikki is apparently going to mediate the argument. Eh. That wasn’t effective at all, which isn’t that much of a surprise. Commercial.

So, Carmella brought bachelorette party favors. Nikki spazzes out that it’s an engagement party. Ugh, who cares? It’s a god damned party. Nattie and Lana have a minor squabble. Brie has arrived. Well, they’re all excited to see her; can’t say that I am. Brie thinks that people care that she’s pumping breast milk. I guarantee you that no one does. I guess the silver lining is that she didn’t drag the baby along. Brie is having body anxiety. Nikki tells Brie that Nattie and Lana are squabbling. They show footage of a crab on the beach, I’m kind of happy to see the crab since for it’s two seconds of screen time it didn’t argue with anyone. Anyway, more discussing the Lana-Nattie situation, this time with Alexa. Commercial.

So, we have to spend more time discussing Brie’s body and breast pumping. Trin tries the milk. Lana tries it too. Then everyone gets in the pool. Yes, there’s a pool in front of the ocean. Anyway, this is the scene where Lana is going to toilet-paper Nattie’s room. Trin is dragged along for the festivities. Lana and Nattie fight after Nattie walks in on it. Nattie calls Lana a “neurotic little bitch,” and then smacks Lana repeatedly on the ass with the flowers in the room. Nattie takes Lana’s phone, and the scene ends with Nattie telling Lana that she doesn’t want to be her friend because Lana is “shady as shit.” And commercial.

So, the argument continues after the commercial. The Bellas come into the room, environmentalist hypocrite Brie says “you know how many trees died for this” in regards to the toilet paper. I wonder if she knows how many dinosaurs perished to make the jet fuel that allowed her to fly to Cabo? Anyway, Lana cleans up the mess she made. So, everyone gets dressed up to go to a five-star restaurant, because as Brie says “Nicole enjoys the finer things.” Ironically, she doesn’t have a speech prepared about the perils of food waste. Selective environmentalism? Anyway, everyone’s at the table drinking. Lana makes a dig about Nattie’s promo skills. So, Nattie grabs the house mic in order to cut a promo. She congratulates Nikki on her engagement and Lana on her pregnancy. Yeah, that was about as funny as the TP thing. Lana and Nattie squabble some more. Drinking, yay!

“Oh, merciful Jesus, there’s less than ten minutes left for them to continue drunk arguing!” Yes, I said that when I checked the time on the episode. The girls arrive at Cabo Wabo. I’m pretty sure that’s Sammy Hagar’s club. Sadly, Sammy didn’t Instagram this moment for us. Yes, Van Hagar forever. Anyway, we’re about to witness Brie Mode 2.0. I’m not excited about stupid drunk Brie Bella, but I guess other people might be? Everyone drunk-dances. I guess Lana slapped Nattie? Nattie then slaps Lana. So, Nattie and Lana drunk yell. Nattie then throws a drink on Lana. So, Lana pours alcohol on Nattie. Nikki bitches about the cost of the champaigne that Lana dumped on Nattie. The Bellas drunk sing. Drunk lady wrestlers? I can think of a multitude of other things I’d rather watch. So, back at the house, Nattie continues to bitch about Lana. Nattie has taken Lana’s suitcase… and commercial.

So, “Lana’a going to learn a lesson that when you mess with Nattie, there will be consequences,” says Nattie in a cut out. Nattie throws Lana’s bag down a hill, she makes Trinity watch. So, of course, Lana is looking for her phone, which was in her suitcase. So, we get the scene where Lana is at Nattie’s door telling her that “when you’re sleeping I’ll cut your hair and you will wake up bald.” The show ends with Lana banging on the door saying “give me my god damned motherf—ing phone.” And: To be continued.

Teasers are basically scenes from the remaining episodes of the season.