Some children are more talented than others.

You know how teachers will tell kids that they can be anything they want? Clearly, that is false. Think about it kids, a teacher told you that. If that were true, your 3rd grade science teacher would be curing cancer instead of…. teaching 3rd grade science.

It’s simple- some children are more gifted, both in general and in certain areas, than others. It’s the same with people, as evidenced by the wide range of occupations available to us.

Some people create the complex machines that are computers while others sell them in pawn shops. Some people desing intricate and beautiful pieces of clothing while others sell knock-offs out of rolled up sheets on the street. Some people just make messes of things, like George Bush and British Petroleum, while others clean them up, like Barack Obama and…. awkward. And oh, wait, Obama just pretends. That was a bad example.

Anyway, not every kid is going to be the next Steve Jobs. (I don’t think Gap could manufacture that many black turtlenecks anyway.) And if we’re being realistic, it’s pretty easy to spot at an early age which kids have it, and which kids don’t even know what “it” is.

While art clearly isn’t the only area in which a child can excel, and in fact is one of the more challenging undertakings of elementary school, it is definitely my favorite subject through which to point out the disparities in children’s talents and ultimately analyze their potential to succeed in life.

As part of my recent Mother’s Day celebration with Kimmie, we were walking around a mall searching for food that might soak up the alcohol that was unwelcomely lingering in my stomach while clouding my thoughts and judgment. En route to what turned out to be an utterly disappointing Tex Mex disaster, we promptly discovered an art display that was genuinely life-completing.

Now, I know you’ve probably all seen that guy Maddox’s site from a bajillion years ago where he makes fun of little kids’ art. I guess I’m kind of going to do that, but I’m also going to point out which of these kids are legitimately awesome. Seriously, there are some pieces that as soon as I saw them I was all, “YES. That kid is tight. We need to hang out immediately,” so it’s not all mean.

So ok, let’s begin with, actually, a piece that wasn’t part of the Mother’s Day collection, and then fully launch into my presentation of the best art in the history of children along with my expert analysis of what these particular little Picassos will end up doing with their lives.

I came across this masterpiece with mah guuuurl Darian, and I’m surprised we survived from our bout of aggressive laughter. Take it in:

I know what you’re thinking: That is the most terrifying Peter Pan I have ever seen. Oh my sweet Jesus, I hadn’t even seen Tinkerbell yet. This image is going to haunt my dreams. To hell with you and your blog, Devilwoman!

Ok, it’ll only give you bad dreams for like a week. Plus, there are also probably some of you who, like me, peed their pants a tiny bit when they saw this because, again, most terrifying Peter Pan and Tinkerbell ever. But I love it. (Also, in this kid’s defense, I think he was like 6.) What will this child do when they grow up? Um, they NEVER WILL. Helloooo, Peter Pannnn. And you know what? I’m glad. We need this young artist to keep producing this high caliber of work.

The worst part about this one isn’t the piercing red eyes. Nor is it the weird green cheeks (they don’t LITERALLY mean “the apples of your cheeks”, kid). Nor the weird lines everywhere. It’s the fact that the kid who made this is eleven years old. Seriously? Do you know what I was doing when I was eleven? Being in the effing 5th grade. I don’t care how artistically inept you are, when you are on the brink of entering middle school, you better be able to come up with something better than this.

I would imagine this kid will one day become a lazy, incompetent contractor. He clearly lacks the skill to design anything himself, and the ability to put something together with any sort of precision and integrity additionally escapes him.

Yikes, I spoke too soon. Why? This kid is eleven too. Yes, I am serious. What are they teaching these children in school? Obviously, the kids are mirroring the work ethic of the teachers, because this required absolutely no effort. The kid didn’t even use color. He let the paper provide the color. I don’t think you could actually be any lazier. That’s why I think that kid might be homeless. Or work at Kinkos.

And ok, just to put this in perspective, this is an example of what some of the other kids(‘ parents) did:

Cute, right? Even if your parent did that for you, way to go. This is some high-quality elementary school art. I don’t know what you’re going to do with your life, but you’ll definitely join PETA, in which case you’ll grow up to hate me for all the meat I shamelessly eat and fur that I am willing to wear and my attitude towards veal. (I have been heard to say, “I don’t care–put that baby cow in a box. You taste delicious.”) Sorry. Do you know who you’ll also hate? The kid who drew this:

Yeah, the only way a kid would draw an animal that looked that surprised and terrified is if he’s killed them, which makes me think he will become either a poacher (which is so not cool) or a serial killer (which isn’t cool unless the kid is Dexter, in which case that’s rad, let’s bone… when you’re old enough…).

Horrifying Ronald McDonald. I’m going to guess that this child is obese. I’m also going to guess he will end up on disability for said obesity, or his life story will become an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Just, ew.

Hershys. Reece. Ok, well this just tells me that you are 1. skinny, because you don’t know what any candy looks like at all or how to spell it and 2. stupid, because it didn’t strike you as a good idea to use a reference in order to retain the remotest sense of accuracy in your drawing. Conclusion: trophy wife.

I don’t have any idea what you’ll do with your life, but the sideways face makes me sooo nervousss. :( Like I’m sad facing all over the place right now. Please don’t make anymore art.

One of the devil’s minions. You will chill with Satan all day. I mean, this is good, but it’s SO SCARY. We need to call an exorcist. Right now. But ok, speaking of chillin':

That is the most mellow frog I’ve ever seen. The kid who drew this must be SO cool. I want to hang out with him. I’d be like, “What was your inspiration?” and he’d be all, “Life, man” and I’d say “Whoa, so deep” and we would be best friends. That is this child’s destiny: to be my best friend. I also would be ok with the kid who drew this:

Again, a frog–but this one is a little more serious, a little more business savvy, if you will. He still likes to have a good time, but he’ll still provide for his frog family. This kid has it all. He knows whats up. I might coug it up with him some day. Therefore: successful businessman and my second husband.

Last, but most certainly not least: Curly Hair by Chad Nguyen. Yes, that actually is the title. Chad named it. And I mean, it’s pretty baller for a five-year-old. Best part about it? The placard underneath:

I never knew markers were a “technique.” (They’re actually not. They’re more of a media, part of the medium of “Markers on printer paper.” I think the technique would be “drawing.”) But either way, I never knew five-year-olds had “techniques”–I thought they just did whatever the hell they wanted. Oh, wait, that’s because they do. Because they’re five. Because teachers need to chill out on taking all of this so seriously.

Except, you really can assign life paths to children based on their artwork. So, ok, you can take it seriously. But at least get the whole “technique” thing straight.

In case you think I’m cold hearted and totally suck, I laugh because I think it’s all really cute. Well, except for the eleven-year-olds who totally suck. They’re just lazy. But the little ones are cute. To any of my readers six and under (if you can read…), please send me your art. I would love to analyze it and give you my expert opinion on where your life is going. Hopefully it’s somewhere awesome.

Send me stuff. It will make me feel important.

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