Shane, maaate, how about we text that Harry Potter into a spin

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Finally, I am one with Shane Warne; the two of us united in a
moment in time. This week, we were both sacked from our regular
gigs at Channel Nine. Warne's crime, of course, involved a series
of abandoned affairs with various British blondes. Mine entailed
being mildly dull on the Today show a couple of weeks
running.

Still, there is the personal connection. Same week. Same
channel. Both sacked.

With so much shared baggage, surely Shane and I should get
together to commiserate? Warnie could tell me about all his steamy
affairs, blow by blow, and I could tell him in some detail about my
dullness problem.

Normally, of course, I wouldn't mind getting the heave-ho from
Channel Nine - except for the timing. This new body blow to my ego
came just days before the publication of the new Harry Potter
book.

This is the toughest weekend of the year for every writer in the
world - except for the one whose name is J.K. Rowling. The sixth
book in the series will be in bookstores first thing this morning -
huge stacks, just sitting there, under the title Harry Potter
and the Incredibly Large Print Run.

All weekend, Australia's writers will be forced to watch from
the sidelines as hundreds of thousands of their fellow citizens
queue to purchase a book written by someone else. I can think of
nothing good about the event, save it will displace the loathsome
Dan Brown from the top of the bestseller list.

Brown's loathsomeness is due not to his writing style, which is
admirably breathless, but for the way he single-handedly occupies
five of the 10 spots on the bestseller list. Frankly, this is
merely greedy: it's like someone having five waterside mansions.
You can enjoy the view from the biggest one, but why not let others
stare out from the windows of properties two, three, four and
five?

Like most competing authors, I am willing to accept The Da
Vinci Code, but I draw the line at The Illustrated Da Vinci
Code, The Annotated Da Vinci Code and, in particular,
The Da Vinci Code Guide to Diet and Fitness: the Hidden Secrets
of Jesus's Taut Body.

I think Dan Brown - and, for that matter, Peter FitzSimons -
should take a break, and give the rest of us a turn.

For years now, I have attempted to create a bestseller. I always
have the same method: I do a fair bit of typing, have the thing
published, and then start putting in the real effort.

During the post-publication period, I lurk in bookstores, trying
to surreptitiously shift my own book into a more prominent
position. I linger close to the shelves, waiting until the staff
are distracted. Then I pounce. I grab a copy of one of my own books
from the bottom shelf, blow the dust from it, clean off any
cobwebs, then place it on top of a stack of face-out books by Kaz
Cook or Gretel Killeen. Then I bolt from the store, trying not to
look suspicious.

I know this may seem immoral, but I rest easy in the knowledge
that Kaz and Gretel will surely pop into the bookshop within a day
or two, and move my books back down to the bottom shelf, where they
belong, while placing their own next to the cash register.

Visit a typical crowded bookshop and it's a safe bet that 95 per
cent of the customers are disgruntled authors, pretending to
browse, awaiting the opportunity to shift their own book to a
better position. Spot someone in a false moustache, with a homburg
hat pulled down low, and it's almost certain to be Delia Falconer
or Kate Grenville.

This weekend, though, nothing will help us. There will be no
space to move. Just endless copies of Harry Potter and the Curse
of the Embittered Authors.

The only good news is that the new Pope has come out against
Harry Potter, saying that he subtly seduces young readers and
"distorts Christianity in the soul" before it can develop properly.
I can only image he has a book coming out himself, and is trying to
muscle a little shelf space.

I think I speak for all authors when I say that all of J.K.
Rowling's success could have been ours. She merely stumbled onto
the idea of combining two popular genres: the fantasy genre with
the British boarding school genre.

Others have long been onto this idea. Dan Brown has combined the
conspiracy genre with the adventure story. Carl Hiaasen combines
crime fiction with humour. All I need to do is come up with the new
big thing.

Studying the bestseller lists, I'm thinking of some sort of
combination of the Guinness Book of Records, the Bible and
the CSIRO diet. Co-authored, of course, with Shane Warne.