Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door.I have a confession to make.I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been
trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least
telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you
knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and
night when you’re not around.In
fact, probably more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know
that’s no excuse.The temptation
was just too great.I can no
longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest
apologies, and forgive me.It
won’t happen again.Please
suggest a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

----------------------------

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed he grabbed his
gun...and shot his neighbor dead.

He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat
down on the sofa.

He took out his phone where he saw a second message
from his neighbor, Alan:

--------------------------

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text.I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned
Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”That’s today’s technology for you, hey!

Regards, Alan

It's not working!

I came home from the golf course today.The wife had left a note on the refrigerator. "IT'S NOT WORKING, I
can't take it anymore!Gone to
stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer
was cold . . .

What the hell is she talking about?

A Marine in a Nursing Home

The family of a retired Marine Master
Gunnery Sergeant with 32 years in the Corps reluctantly decided that at age
92, he needed more care than they could provide. The only decent place close
to their home was a nursing home for retiredsoldiers. They approached the facility and were told that, while Army
vets got first choice, they would take vets of the other services if there
happened to be an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.

A week after placing the retired Marine
there, his sons came to visit."How do you like it here, Pop?" they asked.

"It's wonderful," said the old Marine.
"Great chow, lots to do, and they treat everyone with great respect."

"How so, Pop?"

"Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and
was in the Air Force. He hasn't worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still
call him 'General.'

Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band.
Hasn't conducted a note in 40 years, but they still call him 'Maestro!'

And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy,
has not operated on anyone in 20 years, but they still call him 'Doctor."

"That's fine for the other guys, Pop, but
how do they treat you?

"Me? They treat me with even more respect. I'm
92, haven't had sex in 10 years, and they still call me, That F***ing
Marine!"

The Cure

Gus was having problems with premature
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he
could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel
like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day Gus went to the store and bought himself
a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to Becky.
At home, he found Becky was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began,
they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. Gus, moments later,
felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, Gus went back to the doctor. The doctor
asked, "How did it go?"

"Well, not as I'd expected. When I fired the
pistol, Becky shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor
came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

DEATH

WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to
leave the examination room and said, 'Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me
what lies on the other side.'

Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know..'

'You don't know? You're, a Christian man, and don't
know what's on the other side?'

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; On the
other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the
door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of
gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, 'Did you
notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was
inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, And when the door
opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other
side of death, But I do know one thing... I know my Master is there and that
is enough.'

The Chauffeur

A young man with his pants hanging half off
his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his
neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his weekly check.He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage
of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing
is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who
wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to
drive her around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also
be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is
rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's
and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're
bullshittin' me!”

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you
started it."

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts
to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the
man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his
erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must
be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection,
it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the
side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her
and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues
to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits
down, he farts....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers
out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must
be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that
you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him
over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers
back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked
receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells,
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the
$500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies,
'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see
all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm
68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 35 times a
day!!'

Only in America

A beautiful young blonde spots an 80 year old veteran
drinking at the bar of a local veterans club. She walks over to the old guy
and says, “Thank you for your service. To show my appreciation, for $200
I’ll do absolutely anything you’d like me to do. But you have to tell me in only three
words.”

The old vet thinks a bit, gives her the $200 and says,
“Paint my house.”

The Exam

After my recent Prostate Exam, which was by far the
most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left, and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't
want to hear.

She said, "Who was that guy?"

Walking on the Grass

The room was full of pregnant women with their
husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember - Exercise is
good for you.”

“Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the
pelvic muscles and it will make delivery that much easier.Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft
surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together.It won't hurt you to go walking with her.In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room
suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few
moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his
hand.

"Yes?”, said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she
carries a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

President Obama walks into a local bank in
Chicago to cash a check.

He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he
approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash
this check for me?”

Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please
show me your ID?”

Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID
with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack
Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!”

Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the
regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers,
money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements
of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”

Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and
they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but
these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama: “I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I
need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day”

Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of
what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches
without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a
beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him
to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”

“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place
without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where
as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his
check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is
you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and
finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that
comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea
what to do and I don’t have a clue.”

Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr.
President?

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