Minding Their Manners

I spoke to the director of Patrick's old preschool and she told me that they will have three sets of twins in the class next year. Eighteen kids, six of whom are twins. My OB currently has ten women under her care who are expecting twins as well. I am no expert but based upon the anecdotal evidence I have collected by leaving my house once a week; the rate of twins in this country has recently skyrocketed. I assume this is due to the increased use of assisted reproduction, although of course one cannot ask (no, honestly. you may not ask a perfect stranger about the details of any conception. it's rude. also, the word you would be seeking is "spontaneous" as in "Were your twins conceived spontaneously" not "Were your twins natural" or "real" or "free" - if you were allowed to ask. which you are not).

I can foresee a time in which being a singleton will be the rarity: "Where's your twin?" children will ask. It will be sort of like daemons in the brilliant His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman, only less creepy. Personally, I look forward to this twin-filled future because I will then be able to make it from aspirin to lightbulbs in Target without getting tackled by fifteen people, all of whom want to tell me that their cousin has twins. After all, everyone's cousin will have twins; it will be a moot point.

In the general course of things I rather like talking to people when I am out. When we first moved to Minnesota eleven years ago I was startled by the random chattiness that is prevalent here; but now I am just as likely as anyone in the grocery store to volunteer that I bought that same kind of cheese last week and it was delicious. And I don't mind being stopped to talk about Caroline and Edward when it is just me. As you might have noticed, I enjoy telling people all about my children. Patrick, however, haaaaaaaaates it when strangers talk to us about the babies. The first few times we took them out in public he felt very important and he fielded questions with the aplomb of a press secretary, but as the newness wore off so did the charm.

I would not say that Patrick is shy, exactly, but he does take some time to warm up and he loathes being conspicuous. Even as a baby he hated being addressed by people he did not know. It's funny how different the three of them are from each other in this. Caroline explodes into wide-mouthed grins whenever anyone looks at her. Edward is a little more withdrawn; he turns his head to the side and peeps through his lashes, smiling while he ducks his chin. When Patrick was a baby he would simply stare back in incredulous horror and - if the person saying "Aren't you darling" was a sweet looking elderly woman - he would cry.

Now when people stop to admire the babies or ask if they were born surgically or... (Really? Did you really just say the word "vagina" to a complete stranger in front of 50 boxes of Cap'N Crunch?) Patrick scowls and looks at his feet. When they ask if he likes being a big brother or if he changes diapers he scowls even harder. The other day some well-intentioned woman asked Patrick if the twins had started breaking his toys yet and he muttered "No" but looked at me like I had personally taken a baseball bat and smashed his Lego creations into a billion pieces. I am never quite sure how I am suposed to handle these encounters. I tend to smile and quasi-answer for him - "Oh he's a big help, aren't you?" - and I will rub his head to let him know that I know he's uncomfortable. I wonder, though, if I should be a little less understanding of his reluctance to answer questions from strangers and a little firmer in my insistence that he do so. Is he being ill-mannered?

I was cripplingly shy as a child and I had very red, very curly hair. People were forever stopping to say something about my hair and I was forever trying to climb up the back of my mother's shirt like a squirrel and hide in her purse. Every time Patrick looks like he wants to sink into the floor I sympathize. On the other hand I think it is important to teach children basic civility and that includes responding to friendly interest. I think. Actually, I don't know.

How do your children deal with strangers? With us it's the twins (for now. until the Twin Revolution) but I am sure every family has something that draws attention. What do you think constitutes appropriate behavior in these situations? I am not sure and I am seeking input, please.

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