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Cheaters Always Prosper

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You know what’s depressing? When you try to be a good dad: the kind who loves his spouse, who helps out, who is willing to change a diaper that that would make a “Fear Factor” contestant throw up, who reads that stupid book about trucks to his 16 month old for the 80th time instead of watching March Madness, and who does all this, only to discover that he’s lost out on the “Father of the Year” award to…ahem…Bill Clinton.

You think I’m joking, but an organization called the National Father’s Day Council announced they will award the former President with this honor at their upcoming banquet in June.

“What the heck?” I asked Marie when reading about this at the breakfast table, only I didn’t say “heck.” What I really said could not be mentioned in front of children. But it could be put on a bumper sticker promoting Fruita.

I guess he meets the minimum criteria, which is, being a dad who is not currently dead. The former president has one child (that we know of), Chelsea Clinton, who is grown up and now married to a man whom I consider to have an extraordinary easy job. Most of us husbands have to be faithful, and care, and pretend to listen to our wives on occasion. But this guy can come home drunk every night with a couple of sorority girls and still look good compared to his father-in-law. When your wife’s male role model growing up had Arkansas State Troopers fetch his girlfriends, the marital expectations bar is set sort of low.

Who knows what this organization was thinking, but honoring a lying, serial philanderer must be upsetting to the more respectable past winners of the award, such as Sen. John Edwards.

In 2007 the organization gave their “Father of the Year” award to the former presidential candidate. I understand this choice. He had to juggle marriage, fatherhood, and a political campaign, all the while sleeping with Richelle Hunter as his wife battled terminal cancer. You try finding the time to fit all that in.

So within the last seven years, they’ve honored John Edwards and Bill Clinton for being family role models. I suppose they’re saving their “Lifetime Achievement” award for Tiger Woods.

And yet, these winners have fatherhood bragging rights over me. Clearly this whole, “being faithful to your spouse” thing is not working out for me. I’ve never cheated on my wife. That’s not for a lack of trying, but still.

I’d never have an affair. We’d get divorced and I’d lose half of my net worth. I don’t know what 50% of nothing is, but it has to be something. More significantly, I’d lose a custody battle, and hardly ever see my kids, including the youngest one (I forget the name), who has adorable moments, like when he reaches up to the table and SPILLS MY BEER, or when he (why not?) opens a ketchup bottle and pours it on the floor, or when or leaves toys out that I slip on or when he…wait…maybe I will cheat.

I can. After all, this week we’ve gotten the Colorado Legislature’s official stamp of approval to do exactly that. Last Friday, Governor Hickenlooper signed a bill that decriminalized the act of having an affair. Colorado has over 1/5th of a million people unemployed, yet somehow this bill was a top priority. I guess the courts are overwhelmed with felonious adultery prosecutions.

Like our November embrace of weed, this embarrassing story made national news. It’s getting so bad, the state should change our motto to “Get stoned and cheat on your wife,” — assuming that hasn’t already been taken by the Clinton Presidential Library.

So my fellow male Coloradans, I say to you: congratulations. You can now legally cheat on your wife, which I recommend doing if you want any shot at that “Father of the Year” award.