Blog Post

Our first step in learning to not take RAD lying personally is to realize that it is merely a tool that evolved out of necessity.

I’m Just Sick-to-Death of the Lies

At first it was just a child learning her new place in the home. Kids lie, right? Besides, she hadn’t been in an environment where she was taught that lying was wrong. In fact, her first family had taught her nothing about scruples, religion, morals or honesty. Neither did the orphanage. So… go figure. The kid told lies. I was convinced that with a bit of clever parenting, some cause and effect consequences for untruths, some positive reinforcement for honesty, and we’d be right on the trail to happily ever after. Maybe you weren’t that naïve, but I really was. Something was wrong, though. As my wife and I used every tactic that stellar parents are taught to use, the dishonesty increased to levels that I can now only describe as RAD lying.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” was the given, but entirely inappropriate response to this type of RAD lying.

I would say that it became difficult to not take the lying personal, but that would indicate that I was successful in the attempt. I wasn’t. I mean, how can you not take it personally when lies that are told insult your intelligence? “I didn’t take your cell phone, Daddy,” is unacceptable from a six-year-old who is holding your phone. “What?! Do you think I’m stupid?” was the given, but entirely inappropriate response to this type of RAD lying.

Dishonest expressions of affection (particularly in the beginning of the parent-child relationship) are the crowning jewel of RAD lying.

Those intelligence-insulting lies weren’t the most difficult ones to not take personally, though. It was the, well, personal ones. Most of us have had past experience with at least one person that dishonestly expressed affection for us for manipulation purposes. Memories of those times and people immediately cause our blood to boil. We view those acts as some of the greatest betrayals that we have ever experienced. False expressions of affection from our own child are something we never expected we would have to endure. But dishonest expressions of affection (particularly in the beginning of the parent-child relationship) are the crowning jewel of RAD lying.

If it was to protect the lives of my family, you can bet that my lies would be clever, calculated, and convincing to an extent that would make RAD lying look amateur.

So here’s the way I see it. Those of us who came from at least fairly happy and functional homes saw others use dishonesty to get something they didn’t deserve. It offends us. We feel (and understand) that lies are wrong. Right? Ummm… Yeah. I think. But what if the terrorist asks me where I hid my wife and kids? In that case I can tell you that I won’t be the model of forthright honesty. In fact, if it was to protect the lives of my family, you can bet that my lies would be clever, calculated, and convincing to an extent that would make RAD lying look amateur. Does that mean lying is acceptable when survival is at stake? If so, where do we draw the line? Fortunately, I’m not a religious leader and never will be. See… there is a God, and He loves you! I didn’t bring that scenario up to discuss when or if it’s acceptable to tell lies. I merely mentioned it so you could understand where children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder are coming from.

In their former unhealthy environments, RAD lying was only a tool among others used to provide the necessities of life.

The inconsistent and often unsafe trauma-inducing environments that children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder have come from stopped, delayed or hindered attachment parts of their brain. I often talk with my children about the “strong” (primal) part of their brains and the “smart” (more advanced) parts of their brains. We discuss how neither part of the brain is good or bad, how both are necessary but how each has its time when it needs to be “the boss.” With Reactive Attachment Disorder, children learned that they weren’t safe trusting caregivers and that they needed to care for themselves. In cases where children were starved or horrifically abused, their primal understanding of needing to ensure their own survival may have even been very real and accurate. In their former unhealthy environments, RAD lying was only a tool among others used to provide the necessities of life.

Our first step in learning to not take RAD lying personally is to realize that it was merely a tool that evolved out of necessity.

Lies, to children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, were no different than truth. Both were simply combinations of words used to get what they needed. And, as far as primal brain function is concerned, there is little difference between a want and a need (just ask my dog who wouldn’t be a bit shy about stealing my steak from off the side of the grill). Our first step in learning to not take RAD lying personally is to realize that it is merely a tool that evolved out of necessity.

Often, RAD lying is retained when it is no longer needed but the victim just can’t quite feel completely safe.

Survival or “protection” tools are difficult to let go of, even when they are no longer needed. What tools do you still hang on to? What is your “pink blanky?” I’m sure if you think hard enough, you have your own habits, developed during a time of necessity, that that might now seem silly to others. Why do you hang on to them? Why can’t you let them go? I’d tell you some of my own but I don’t want to talk about it! Often, RAD lying is retained when it is no longer needed but the victim just can’t quite feel completely safe.

Sometimes, RAD lying is used right along with all of the other devices that our pitifully damaged children employ simply for the purpose of limiting attachment to an extent that they can emotionally and psychologically afford to lose.

Keep in mind the foundation of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Our children that suffer from this ruthless illness understand that they cannot take the pain of failed attachment. They realize that continued emotional pain of such levels will not allow them to remain functional, or to even remain, at all (and yes, I do know what I just insinuated). Because they have suffered such great emotional pain, they feel like they cannot afford to attach to a greater degree than they can afford to lose. Sometimes, RAD lying is used right along with all of the other devices that our pitifully damaged children employ simply for the purpose of limiting attachment to an extent that they can emotionally and psychologically afford to lose.

I would tell you to get over it and just decide to not take RAD lying personally, but I don’t know how to do it, myself. Even so, sometimes I need to drag myself out of practicality and my own coddled past while trying to imagine the horror that a tiny, innocent child must endure if it is so bad that it teaches them that they should limit their love, forever.

Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

About the Author

John M. Simmons is an adoption advocate and author of the award-winning novels The Marvelous Journey Home and To Sing Frogs. John performs television and radio interviews and writes editorials to share his experience with special needs and international adoption. He appears at book clubs, and is a frequent guest speaker for various groups to increase adoption awareness. He and his wife have three biological sons and six adopted children.