Free Article Template for a Pro-Trump Columnist

In the wake of President-elect Donald Trump's stunning upset victory, mainstream publications like the Washington Postare desperately seeking pro-Trump columnists in a misguided attempt to hear both sides. This is a perfect job for any columnist who happens to be a washed-up white man who specializes in mediocrity. In fact, here is a sample column template you can use verbatim.

SAMPLE HEADLINE: Is Donald Trump Really That Bad?

I remember when I was young man growing up in [FOOTBALL TOWN], where Friday nights were for [FOOTBALL]. I distinctly remember seeing my father, a simple man and [BUZZWORD FOR WHITE WORKING CLASS], sitting at the head of our table after we'd say grace, talking about [SYNONYM FOR GRIT] and not taking government handouts [UNLESS IT'S MEDICAID].

He instilled in me respect for our forefathers and taught me to [SLIGHTLY RAPE CULTURE-Y IDIOM FOR "NEVER TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER"]. Now my father is a [MILLIONAIRE], but not everyone is so lucky.

Open your eyes. Go to any city in America and you'll see real Americans are [WHITE AND ANGRY]. They've been failed by Barack [HUSSEIN] Obama and they're ready for a change. No one listened to them, including the [MEDIA ELITE and/or HILLARY CLINTON] who were supposedly on their side. Now ["REAL AMERICA"] has voted, and finally they have an advocate in the White House who won't kowtow to [CORPORATE INTERESTS/THE OIL INDUSTRY/GOLDMAN SACHS/PUTIN/SOMETHING TRUMP IS KOWTOWING TO].

I'll say it: I voted for Donald Trump because the system is [IRRELEVANT TO ME]. Also, taxes are too high. Listen, I've been around the block and I have to say that the widespread Democratic panic that the world is [NICE WAY TO SAY "BURNING TO THE FUCKING GROUND"] is completely unfounded. We are Americans, which means that we have been through much more than a President who likes to ["DO TWEETS," or SIMILAR PHRASE THAT DEMONSTRATES A FUNDAMENTAL MISUNDERSTANDING OF HOW TWITTER WORKS.]

Do I have concerns about Donald Trump's [CHARACTER/TEMPERAMENT/HEALTH/JUDGMENT/PREPAREDNESS/MENTAL STABILITY]? Of course. He is [SYNONYM FOR HANDSY]. He is a [STRAIGHT SHOOTER], but he is a good man. He's a family man who loves [POWER]. Take Trump University, where the goal was to give [DOGWHISTLE FOR BLACK PEOPLE] the skills to succeed in life. Sure, he's relatively green to governing. But you know who else was green? [RONALD REAGAN and/or JESUS CHRIST.]

Trump is a successful businessman and [CODE WORD FOR WHITE] which are two things that deserve our utmost respect. Whether you're living in the [INNER CITY] or on food stamps or a thug, Trump will create [BUZZWORD FOR RACIST POLICE STATE THAT WILL PUT YOUR LIFE IN CONSTANT DANGER].

You see, we need to give Donald Trump a chance. Did you see riots in the street when Barack [HUSSEIN] Obama was elected? I sure didn't, because I am [WRONG]. Trump has not even been inaugurated yet and I'm already hearing un-American requests to "save America" from "fascism," whatever that means. This is a time when our country should be uniting behind [WHITE SUPREMACIST LEADERS]. [COASTAL LIBERAL ELITES] need to let Trump [SYNONYM FOR "FUCK EVERYTHING UP"] so we can [BLAME IT ON THE DEMOCRATS or RELINQUISH THE WHITE WORKING CLASS FROM PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY]. We must admit Donald Trump won, legitimately, even in the face of [OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE THAT RUSSIA INTERCEDED IN THE ELECTION.] That's what I learned in [FOOTBALL HOMETOWN THAT IS CURRENTLY OVERRUN WITH HATE CRIMES.]

We may not agree on everything, but differences are what make America [HUGELY ANNOYING TO ME]. Under Trump, I know we will become a united country that will [FEEL THE IMPACT SOMETIME AFTER MY IMMINENT DEATH.] Anyone who disagrees [WILL BE IGNORED BY ME]. The people have spoken and they voted with their guts, and I, for one, am certain of one thing: [HILLARY CLINTON IS A WITCH.]