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Monday, March 18, 2013

For the past two days,
I’ve been going out for my evening walk wearing the stuff that I normally wear
to bed. It’s not because I think looking shoddy is in, but because my
neighborhood kids have started the water balloon throwing madness a little
early this year. Sadly, they don’t know who they’re trying to mess with. I’ve
been a nasty water balloon warrior in my time. Factors like Board exams
(earlier mine, and now my sister’s), and moving to a nuclear family from a
joint family have led to the warrior spirits having watered down over the past
few years. But, like a wise man once said: Once a Water Balloon Warrior, always
a Water Balloon Warrior.

I am saddened to see how
the present Holi Warriors don’t fight with the kind of boil in blood that my
fellow vikings and I showed in our times of colored colony rivalry. I have
returned as dry as Gandhi Jayanti to my house for the past two evenings, and
have witnessed at least a hundred water bombs go to waste, marring the roads
with the wetness of their blood. I think it’s about time that I put on my white
armor, gleam under a layer of oil and show them what it really takes to be a
real Water Balloon Champion.

I thought I’d brief these
kids on the Rules of Water Balloon Warfare, but to help them prepare for the
real war on H-Day, I’ll start with the basics; The Water Balloon Warfare Tips.
Attention!

1: You're not serious
about the war if you don't wake up at least two hours early to fill two buckets
full of water balloons with your siblings.

2: It’s unethical to hit
someone who is using a phone!

3: You've wasted your Holi
if you haven't scored at least one color balloon on a bald head.

4: If you don't know how
to tie those tiny water balloons, keep the black rubber bands handy. Snap the
bands and use them to tie the balloons. Don't worry about running out of your
black binding ammo. You'll have enough punctured water balloons to use in place
of them.

5: Ask your dadaji to wake up early just so that he
can help you tie the balloons, because you don't know how to.

6: Always, always fill
water balloons even if they are punctured. Then walk around with the balloon saying, “Yeh toh susu kar raha hai.”Trust me, soldier;
the joke never gets old.

7: The best decision your
parents could ever take was to have a working tap fixed in your balcony or
terrace. You're blessed. Be thankful for that.

8: You're not a true soldier
if you don't burst a balloon on your brother in the bathroom, where he helps
you fill those juicy balls of awesome.You're a Balloon Commander if you
convince him not to hit you back with a balloon right then, saying that it'll
be wasting one precious water bomb. Promise him that you'll let him hit you
towards the end of the day. Let that time never come. Muhuhahaha!

9: Use a pichkari to fill
the balloons. Save more balloons, hit more people.

10: Always hit aunties
going to the mandir with plain water
balloons.

11: ''Holi Hai'' is any
day a better call than ''Kai Po Che''.

12: When someone stands
under your balcony and asks you to hit him, don't. He'll move by the time your
balloon reaches him.Keep Calm and Hit 'em Later.

13: You're not a champion
if you don't use Champion Brand Water Balloons.

14: You've won the battle
if you catch a balloon hurled at you with your bare hands, and then hit the
opponent with the same.Bloody Baap of Water Balloons!

15: Throwing a bucket full
of water on someone is not even half as bad-ass as hitting someone with a water
balloon. Man up, soldier!

16: Don't hit a girl with
a plain water balloon if she's just come out wearing a clean white shirt. Be a
good warrior and hit her with some color.

17: Be always prepared for
a scolding from your mum for finishing all the water in the Sintex on your
house. There's no war without sacrifice.

18: When your mum asks you
to rub oil on your skin, do it. It makes balloons slip like an act of God.

19: If you're proud of not
having been colored by someone, you're doing it wrong, soldier. Go, secretly
smear color on yourself, and then fight like a warrior.

20: Fill your balloon
buckets with adequate water. Water is good for the skin, and for this deadly
sin. Muhuhahaha.

21:
Save balloons that don’t burst even when you squeeze them hard. They help you
scare people away, who you don’t want to waste balloons on.

22:
Ration your balloons strategically over the period of war. Don’t finish off
your ammo in the first hour. Don’t be left with too many unused balloons by
lunch time either.

23: Be
generous and give a plain water balloon to your baby cousin. Don’t worry; he’ll
just lick it till he gets bored of it.

24:
Take extra caution when your opponent is on a higher floor in your apartment
building. Beating some serious ass during Kargil wasn’t a piece of gujiya.

25: Go
eat that Holi special aaloo poori for
breakfast. Soldiers don’t go to war on an empty stomach.

26:
If a girl is smeared in color and still looks hot, she’s not a true warrior.
Get some silver color water balloons and make her one.

27: “Sorry,
aunty” won’t save you from the angry eyes after the perfect shot; hiding behind
the balcony railing will.

28:
Don’t try throwing water balloons by twisting their necks a bazillion times, instead
of properly tying them. It won’t even be a quarter of the fun you
imagine it to be.

29:
Aim is everything.

30: Don’t
trust anyone who suddenly walks up to hug you. He has a water balloon in his
hand.

31:
Powder gulal is the worst water color
ever.

32:
Carry freshly filled balloons in a plastic bag when you’ve to venture into
zones outside your hideout. The flexible base cups the balloons well and
protects them.

33:
No one with a sane head plays Holi after 3 p.m. If you’re in the arena after
that, go back home.

34:
You’ll know the warriors to look up to even a week after H-Day. The pink inside
the ears is a true mark of rank.

35: Never
hit a soldier who has an Angry Birds pichkari.
Go fight someone your own age.

36:
You know your regiment fights hard when there are just as many shreds of water
balloons on the road outside, as there are red paper shreds on a morning after
Diwali.

37: Keep
animals out of your shooting range. Be an animal yourself.

38: Gujiya is to the body what water is to
the balloon.

39: If
you notice that the floor of your house is stained pink indoors, you’ve fought pretty darn well. Well done, jawaan!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

I
know it’s been a while since I last saw you. This gap was not because I didn’t
miss you over the past few months when I wore five layers above my skin, including
the natural coat of hair, to fight the Delhi chill. I looked for you at our
meeting point, the sardarji’s general
store on Shankar Road, a number of times when I went there with the excuse of
buying a loaf of Harvest Gold or a packet of Maggi noodles. I went all the way
to Karol Bagh, thinking that I might catch a glimpse of your sparkling self standing
somewhere next to a Kolhapuri jutti
and ladies’ sandal stall. I missed you; I really did.

I’m
sorry to have not made a trip to Janpath or Pandit Ved Prakash’s Shikanji stall
at Chandni Chowk, and I’m not going to make any excuses for failing to do so. I
spotted you last week, standing spotlessly inside sardarji’s Pepsi refrigerator. Needless to say, you looked very inviting;
way more than that stupid Priyanka Chopra, who was trying so hard to grab my
attention with her fake smile and ugly cola bottle. I was so excited to see you
again, but this feeling of guilt held me back from walking up to you and showing
you that I have not changed at all. You haven’t changed either, and I assure
you that even my love for you has not.

I
remember how we met for the first time at Mittal General Store, where I came to
grab a cola after a game of pitthu
with my cousins, way back in the year 1996. I was apprehensive about
approaching you at first, thinking that my mum would get very angry with me for
showing interest in a stranger. She could’ve thought that you’d feed me with
something that would give me stomach troubles, after robbing me of my money.
Despite the fear, I couldn’t resist knowing you.

My
mum could easily spot the guilt with which I walked back home that evening. And
I was surprised to see that when I told her about you, she was delighted to
know that I had an experience with you behind the back door of Mittal uncle’s
grocery store. Her happiness knew no bounds when I told her that I got to enjoy
some time with you for just four rupees. I hope you’re not taking it the wrong
way. My mum often tells me how she has memories of knowing your family members
from the time when she was in school. So, there’s absolutely no doubt about you
being a well bred khandani item.

Y’know,
my dadi has always been of the
opinion that having good bhartiyasanskaar is more important than having a
foreign education to boast about. And trust me when I tell you that no matter
how modern she may try to act at times, she’s always wanted a fair-skinned lady
for me. So don’t you ever get jealous of seeing me with Coke or Pepsi. They’re
known to be a menace to family health ever since my dadi cursed them with words like “keede padein tujhpe” and the whole pesticide fiasco happened. She
doesn’t trust the gori Limca or
Sprite either. A heavy western influence is something that she’s feared right from
the time when she stayed in a town, which is now in present day Pakistan. Also,
my nani makes brilliant shikanji. You shouldn’t worry about that
either, since there’s no way that my family will allow me to engage in anything
that may be considered remotely incestuous.

I
can’t ever put to words how much I really love you. These stick thin actresses
of today starve themselves of food till they become anorexic, and then stuff
their inners with rubbery-plastics to achieve what they call an “hourglass
figure”. It’s a shame, really! I mean, only you could so naturally maintain the
perfect hourglass body over the years. And, there’s nothing under your skin
that isn’t there for the world to see. Also, did you give tips to Vidya Balan
on how to look voluptuous and not be drawn into the whole “skinny is sexy” fad?
I’m sure you’ll just blush and choose to not answer that. I can’t tell you how
endearing that modesty truly is!

You’re
not just good looking with those shapely Jolie lips, but also so beautiful inside.
I know how you can never speak ill of people, and that’s exactly the reason why
you’ve bundled all the negativity into one black part of your soul that no
matter how much a person tries, will never be able to extract from you. That
beautiful black marble! It’s astounding to know that someone can actually be so
transparent. That’s exactly why I know that we’re going to last.

I’m
mesmerized by the whole idea that the creator has made you so beautifully that
you will never blow your top. Relationships get hard at times, and couples do
get angry with each other. But being with you, I know that you know how to keep
your calm and handle all difficult times with patience.

I’ve
seen you sparkle with excitement every time that I pop a finger to let you open
up to me. You run up to the brim just to touch my tender lips and tell me that
no matter how tired I may feel after work, you will always be there to refresh
me with your touch.

It’s
a little unfair though that the creator gave you such a cute name that I can
never come up with anything cuter for you to call you in our moments of passion.