Trying to figure out where I fit in the scheme of things. Life, Love, Neuroscience, Psychology, My Manic-Depression, and my place in this world.

Monday, April 06, 2009

The heritage of madness.

My Fingers are hurting from a good band practice. Well it was just me and matt, but still since we're the core of the band that counts. We got the songs down pretty well, and I think the getting of two shows has gotten us excited. We have shows coming up in this month and in the next. It's really exciting to be getting shows going.

I like the music we're doing. As I've said before, it's not like what I do on my own, which is high concept and really unusual. What I'm doing with osabear is popier, but it is really good. I get it stuck in my head and I don't mind. That's usually a good sign.

Besides my fingers hurting, I'm in the same state I've been in for a few nights. A good state that is nowhere on the spectrum of crazy that I'm so used to. I've started to get used to the scheduling things that order my life. It's something that will take time to fully get used to, but I'm pleased to be so settled in.

I do need to find another job, the one I currently have hasn't started because we haven't enough clients. We don't have the money to keep too many staffers on, and that's not likely to change until July. Of course they didn't tell me this, so I found out from one of my friends who works there. At least that gives me some time to try and get a new job. I'll try to get something menial and shallow. I just want hours. I could work just about anywhere and be pleased with it. I would of course rather have a job that I enjoy, but the last time I tried that, this is what happened, I've been out of work for months. So I technically have a job, but I never get called in.

It's rather annoying. With my last job they never officially fired me, they just stopped calling me in. I probably could have managed to get some hours again but I was crazy at the time, which was the reason they didn't call me in anymore.

It's interesting to realise that I've been living off of school loans for the last six months or so. It's not a good thing. Not that I'd be able to do anymore about it than I have.

It's not nice being in this odd limbo. I don't much like having so much uncertainty. Of course I can deal with it, but I'd rather not have to. I've been in so many situations that others haven't. It always surprises me how much Ive done in three years. I haven't achieved anything, but I've done a lot. That statement only makes sense if you realise that I'm no further towards my goals than I was when I started. Well I guess I'm a bit further towards my goals, but not enough to account for three years.

Those are some of the hazards of having lived an interesting life. I don't know how that's going to continue. It's odd to think that the wildness is behind me. Of course it's only behind me if I keep up with my drugs, and though I intend to, one never knows.

Without drugs I would have been well on my way to being a brilliant artist who died before he came into pre-eminence. I was reading an interesting list of posthumous works which were sufficient legacies, and I came across so many that seemed like the sorts of things I might create. So many things I really loved as well. I'm willing to put up with the effects of drugs to avoid drowning in the missisippi, or stabbing myself multiple times in Los Angeles, or overdosing in some motel room, or hanging myself to the sounds of "the idiot"

Of course I don't think I would necessarily have lived up to the epic deaths listed above, but something similar very well could happen to an unmedicated me. All that would be required would be one depression where I had the energy to carry it out.

That's a sobering realisation. It's nice to claim kin with such brilliant people, but it's not so nice to realise that the variable I share with them is one which so often leads to tragedy.

that I know details of those who came before me is also somewhat startling. I've always found myself gravitating towards such individuals. I always think that I may very well know all the mad people on campus, because I know so many of them. it's not just a one way attraction either. I've found people suffering from maddness of various sorts attaching themselves to me as well.

That me without drugs could equal someone brilliant, but someone also so horrible fragile is startling. I deal with it, but realising that there are only some pills between me and nigh certain death is harsh. Of course this certain death is more eventual than some, but If I want to take my predecessors as a model I could do such varying things as put stones in my pockets and wade into the river, buy an abercrombie and fitch shotgun and blow my head off, and go off to fight in Greece for their independence just to die from complications of some malady.

I have a lot of people to model on. Brilliant but so sad at the same time. Thank god for these drugs.

2 comments:

Yeah, most the people I've come across in my life have some type of issue(s) but a lot of 'em aren't on medication. (Though some might need it in my opinion!) It is weird how we all ended up gravitating to one another. I wouldn't consider myself "mad" though. I realize I have an illness...or as I'd rather call it a disorder. Most these peeps are creative people too, and I consider myself pretty creative as well. Do you do anything else creative besides being in a band? I have a band (though we don't play live-I sing)...and I paint/do mixed media...oh & blog obviously (that's a creative thing, to write!).

(Also, I find myself drawn to people in the past who have had mental disorders...mainly Ian Curtis. Before I knew most were ill, I thought they were brilliant. Funny how those things work out.)

Yes Ian Curtis is one of those folks I was drawn too before realising the whole disorder of it. I don't know if mad is the best way to put it, but because I've felt such kin with Lord Byron, and Virginia Woolf, I've decided to use their words for it. This fine madness, though perhaps other terms may be better.

I do do other creative things, though my music and writing are the primary two. I'm working on a memoir, mostly for myself, and I've a number of stories in the workings. I just create whatever seems to come out. Music and Writing are the two things that never seemed to fail me.

I'd agree with the assertion that most of these people I seem to gravitate to are also creative. There's actually a wonderful book "touched by Fire" by Kay Jamison about the relationship between creativity and manic-depression. It's really interesting.

It's interesting to see the intersection of experience among multiple people with our disorder. The blogs are one nice way to see that relation between one's own experience and someone elses. It's nice to know about other people blogging about such similar things. Very helpful.

About Me

My main blog is at http://plus.ly/patch615 I'm a relatively recent graduate of UC Davis, with a Psychology BA. The bulk of my writing here was to help me figure out my Bipolar Disorder, and OCD. I plan to become a research psychologist. I particularly want to study the neural basis of story telling behaviour, and differences in language perception and production among schizophrenics. For various reasons I'm interested in anarchism. Despite my strong left leanings, I don't hold people's belief's against them. I'm agnostic (a hazard of being a strong empiricist), a Vegan, and I love bikes, books, and music. I'd like to think I deviate from the norm in a lot of fields but so does everyone. nonetheless I don't bite and I'd love to talk to anyone about nearly anything.