It's definitely Hitler, sir. He's only got one...

How would Hitler's death have been covered under the rules of engagement which govern our modern-day media circus?

Details of the death of Osama Bin Laden keep changing, but does it matter? The early American version of the operation has been corrected swiftly. So he died with his AK47 blazing, or unarmed with his hands in the air. The White House initially got his wives mixed up and announced the wrong son had been killed.

In cases like this, there are always conspiracy theories. Take your pick. Frankly, I couldn’t care less if his body was buried at sea or dumped in a skip. Even if he’s still alive and is being plugged into the mains at Club Gitmo, we’ll never know the full truth.

All this got me wondering how Hitler’s death would have been covered under the rules of engagement which govern our modern-day media circus . . .

This is the BBC Home Service. Here is the news for today, May 1st, 1945, read by Alvar Liddell. Confusion continues to surround the last moments of Adolf Hitler, who died yesterday in his bunker in Berlin.

Incredibly, the world’s most-wanted man had been living in the heart of the capital of the Third Reich, in plain sight of millions of Germans who maintain they were not supporters of the Nazis and had no knowledge of the Fuhrer’s crimes again humanity.

First reports suggested that Hitler had been shot through the head in a fire-fight as special forces from the Red Army stormed the building.

It was also claimed that he grabbed his long-term mistress Eva Braun, whom he had married in a secret ceremony, and used her as a human shield. Miss Braun was initially said to have suffered a flesh wound, but is now known to be dead.

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Subsequent statements from Supreme Allied Command indicate that the Fuhrer may have swallowed poison, before shooting himself between the eyes. The conflicting reports are attributed to ‘the fog of war’.

Hitler’s body was burned in the garden of the Reich Chancellery, although the Allies are refusing to release photographs because they are ‘too gruesome’. Russian troops filmed the corpse, but it is feared that publication could inflame the excitable Nazi ‘street’ and lead to reprisal attacks.

A picture apparently showing Hitler lying on his back with a bullet hole in his forehead has been dismissed as a crude forgery.

Conspiracy theorists claim that the body in the bunker was one of half a dozen Hitler-lookalikes recruited to throw the Allies off the scent.

But a spokesman for the Prime Minister said Mr Churchill was satisfied it was Hitler. Although DNA testing has not yet been discovered, the Fuhrer was identified by a well-documented deficiency in the trouser department — a technique which also confirmed the identity of the propaganda minister Dr Goebbels, another who died in the bunker.

The Allies say Hitler’s remains were disposed of in accordance with established Christian practice. But Hitler apologists and fifth-columnists have complained that he should have been given a proper burial, with full Nazi ceremonial honours, not chucked on to the back of a Red Army truck. There are also concerns about the legitimacy of the military operation which led to Hitler’s death. Pacifists want to know why the Fuhrer couldn’t have been captured alive and put on trial.

Some have claimed that the invasion of Germany was a clear breach of international law. Marshal Petain, formerly head of the Vichy Government, protested that Allied forces had illegally violated the borders of France, Italy, Germany and the Low Countries in their six-year pursuit of the Nazi leader.

The leading human rights lawyer, Sir Geoffrey Robertson QC, said the death of Hitler set a dangerous precedent.

If a notorious despot, with the blood of millions on his hands, could be ‘assassinated’ in the bosom of his family, while in the comfort of his own bunker, then no one was safe.

Sir Oswald Mosley, leader of the British Union of Fascists, called the death of Hitler a ‘war crime’. He said the evidence against the Fuhrer, including the murder of six million people in concentration camps, had been fabricated by the ‘International Zionist Conspiracy’ as part of its campaign to establish a Jewish state in Palestine.Sir Oswald also alleged that the carpet bombing of Coventry, Plymouth and the East End of London was carried out by MI5, on the orders of Mr Churchill, simply to discredit the Nazis. He called on all Nazis to rise up and avenge their Fuhrer, before being led away by warders for a nice lie down in his padded cell.

Meanwhile, the Allies are planning to raze the bunker to the ground to prevent it becoming a tourist attraction and a shrine to Hitler.

Questions have also been asked about the source of the information which led the Allies to Hitler’s lair. Did one of his trusted aides betray him in exchange for a huge reward, a false identity and a new life in South America? Or was it the ruddy great Swastika flag on the roof and engraved gold ‘Fuhrerbunker’ nameplate on the front door? We may never be sure.

Despite the continuing confusion and speculation, there is no doubt that Herr Hitler’s death and the prospect of an end to the war in Europe has given Mr Churchill a considerable boost in the opinion polls and he is now on course for a landslide victory in the forthcoming general election . . .’

There are a few variations on the old joke about a man who buys a swearing parrot, which effs and blinds at everyone who visits the house.

I can vaguely remember the punchline and it’s far too filthy for a family newspaper.However, down at Dartmoor Zoo, they’ve got the real macaw. Jasper, an 11-year-old scarlet parrot from South America, squawks foul-mouthed abuse at anyone who comes near his cage.

He tells them to ‘bugger off’ and worse. A zoo spokesman said: ‘It can be pretty embarrassing.’

No one knows who taught Jasper to swear, although he’s only started doing it recently.

The story puts me in mind of the swearing chef in the open kitchen on the television series Curb Your Enthusiasm, who stuns guests at the opening night of Larry David’s restaurant with an involuntary volley of four-letter words.

I’ve heard of Mad Parrot Disease, but this is the first time I’ve come across a macaw with Tourette’s Syndrome.

In, out, shake it all about

Scientists have announced that salt is good for you, after all. Not only that, but if you cut down on salt it actually increases your chances of suffering a heart attack or stroke.

This report, in the American Medical Journal, comes as the Government tries to cut our salt intake by 60 per cent.

Councils all over Britain are engaged in a demented campaign to force fish’n’chip shops to switch to salt shakers with five holes or fewer.

In Gateshead, they spent £2,000 of taxpayers’ money commissioning a special low-dose salt dispenser which was handed out free to chippies in exchange for the surrender of their old 17-hole shakers.

A spokesman said: ‘We believe the cost to be a small price to pay for potentially saving lives.’

Now that this nonsense has been exposed as a complete waste of time and money, as well as being positively harmful, will they stop nagging us about how much salt we put on our food?

I shouldn’t have thought so for a moment. And even if they do, they’ll only move on to banning something else.

This isn’t about health, it’s about showing us who’s boss. One minute, it’s red meat on the hit-list. The next it’s red wine, even though all the evidence proves that both are good for us — within reason.

The only time I tried going without red meat for a week, I turned yellow. Stick to ‘a little of what you fancy’ and you won’t go far wrong.

That’s why the only sensible reaction to all these scare stories is to take them with a shovel-load of salt.

Academics have condemned harmless children’s characters such as Peter Rabbit and the Fantastic Mr Fox as ‘sexist’.

Where do they find these people? Next week, no doubt, someone will publish a thesis on the pornographic subtext in Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.

Fell about laughing when I read that Bin Laden had banned smoking in his compound in beautiful downtown Russabbottabad.

He had no compunction incinerating thousands of people in Lower Manhattan but went tonto if anyone lit up a cigarette in his presence.

Have you noticed how so many real fascists are health fascists, too? I shouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that Bin Laden was a vegan, as well as a ‘passive smoking’ paranoiac.

If the intelligence services had known he was a fanatical non-smoker, they might have tracked him down sooner.

The sight of a bunch of jihadists skulking outside the front door in all weathers, puffing furiously on their Camel Lights, would have been a dead giveaway.

Last week I described Labour lemon-sucker Yvette Balls-Cooper as having a face like a wet weekend in Whitby.

Dave Shaw writes to complain. He thinks I was well out of order and should say ‘sorry’. On reflection, he is dead right. So today I offer an unreserved apology — to the delightful Yorkshire seaside resort of Whitby.

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Conspiracy theories: Osama Bin Laden death and it was definitely Hitler