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Recent Entries

Here I stand at the precipice of what will always be. Your words are stones in my heart, weighing heavy…but it has become an accepted burden…one I will never part with. You are not here, but I know what you expected of me…what you told me to do…and I have finally resigned myself to the accomplishment of the purpose you had in mind. Although it was intended to be for both of us in the flesh, the substance of what is spirit will have to do.

It was another day of mourning. It seems there is always one last detail to deal with and accept concerning the loss of him. Today, it was my daughter, who I had not told, wanting to spare her the hurt for as long as possible. Today, it could not be avoided. She was concerned because he had not written her...items he had promised her had not arrived…he had disappeared from my conversation…she knew something was wrong. Her tears were as pained as my own when I revealed the details of his passing.

It has been a while now. The habit of looking for your messages has lessened….if only a little. I have reconciled with the fact that you will no longer answer my calls. The desperation has subsided to longing. I have refused to look at your words for several weeks now…if only for self-preservation. No more do I write to you daily, filling your inbox with sorrow and anger that will one day be deleted by some automated demon…unread.

More memories…specifically of this summer when so much changed. You telling me about your fishing trips…sending me silly cat pics when I was completely stressed. Encouraging me in my plans….all the selflessness that defined you. Even in your final message to me…telling me not to be sad and to never regret…that you didn’t want to be forgotten.

As if I could ever forget you.

I realized what a journey it was…beginning with passionate obsession that flamed, and ending

i was looking through memories today and found a note you sent me several years ago. All we went through…all the changes, good and bad. It hurt to read the words, but the smile came anyway. You encouraged me, mentored me…took care of me through so many things. Most of all you loved me, and i don’t think i appreciated you nearly enough. You always thought i was crazy to save all our words and conversations…but i think now you might understand. They are not all i have of you…your gifts through the