Thursday, December 31, 2009

The end of a year. One that has been filled with so many regrets, so many realisations, new dreams, relationships, deaths... I sometimes wonder how swiftly the years pass and what have I done with the time, but now, thinking back, there was so much to take in. It's no wonder that we have come to another year. Hopefully this year we will gain more than we lose.

My only thought for tonight is to enjoy myself with my friends. They won't let me get down or think of any unsavoury thoughts. I am looking forward to this year. I refuse to let myself get dragged down with the slander that surrounds this silly affair. If he will not acknowledge me then I do not need to spend another second thinking about him. It is only fair after all.

For now all my thoughts and prayers are with my friends and family. I love them all and wish them the best in the future. I better leave. Have to go and get ready with Madame. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I managed to entertain friends this morning. Tea and cake and some rather scandalous stories. Apparently there is some concern as to the legitimacy of some acquaintances, and possibly some half-siblings running around. The drama that surrounds this certain family is quite astounding, not a month goes by without some sort of 'to do' regarding any member of the family. Yet it is always my friend, the Marquessa, who has to bear the brunt of her family's distressing situations.

It was lovely to see the Marquessa and the Baroness. Considering I have spent the last couple of weeks at home away from the city for the holidays I haven't spent as much time as I normally do with either of them. True the Marquessa has her new relationship to think of and the Baroness' charity work leaves her little time for socialising, but I have missed the general chit chat that normally amuses us this holiday. I wonder if it's partly to do with my own constant worry about this torrid affair, or whether our responsibilities are finally catching up on us.

Speaking of the affair, how I hate to have to be associated with that word, I sent a note containing the Season's Greetings to him. It is nearly the new year and still nothing. I do not know what I hoped, but at the very least a little acknowledgement!

I daren't contact him again, I don't want to arouse any suspicion, but this abandonment is causing havoc with my emotions. I need to know what he is thinking; regret, guilt, love, hate, or nothing. As I stare out of the window at the bleak frosty hills I can't help but think that I need to know before the end of the year so that I can start afresh. Yet I ran away from everyone before this scandalous gossip would have sunk in so I know that I will have to face it in a few weeks. I might not achieve any form of acknowledgement before the end of the year but at least it will be over soon. A few months and it should be forgotten. A few months.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I can't believe that I succumbed to his ways. After everything that I said to persuade him against this infidelity I still gave in to his demands. Dare I say it's because I love him? Honestly I don't want to think about it anymore than I have to.

Which is all very well to say but I know that word will spread and soon I will have to defend myself against the judgement of those who have stronger willpower than I. I will have to stand up tall and close my heart from the slander that will surround my name and everything I touch. And I will have to do it alone. He cannot leave her and I don't expect him to leave her for me. That is why I never wanted anything to happen. But how could I refuse? He looked at me with such tenderness, caressed me with the utmost respect; ne'er a thought of the consequences crossed my mind. Not once.

But now as I have snuck home in the early hours of the morn I have the weight of guilt upon my shoulders. However hard I try to condone my actions and convince myself that it is he who is in the wrong, this black shadow of guilt has shrouded my mind and confession seems like the only answer. That or banishment. I cannot be trusted near him, nor he near I. Our friendship that blossomed over these last few months has been poisoned by our fulfilment of lust.

I have become what I once refused to acknowledge, the notorious other woman.