I’ve played a lot of games that I had expected to be fantastic and ended up being garbage, but of all the games I’ve played in my life, this is probably the biggest disappointment. Like someone offering you a bowl of Skittles just to find out that they’re full of M&Ms, I ordered this game from Play-Asia on impulse expecting it to be the same kind of goofy hilarity that Gal*Gun: Double Peace provided only to discover that it’s barren wasteland of sub-par gameplay, stupid story even in the context of pointless lewd games, and less content than a mobile game. I am the Warlord of Waifus, the Emperor of Ecchi, the Führer of Fap, and the Baron of Best Girl, but even I was unable to extract any enjoyment whatsoever from this game.

The story, as I previously mentioned, is just stupid. Not even ha-ha enjoyable stupid. It’s painfully stupid. You play as Yurika, a high school girl who is what’s called a “Warrior of Love,” someone who (apparently) loves panties so much that she can see talking panties and turn into a panty. There’s this evil panty called Panzi that’s building a massive brainwashing machine to brainwash the entire human race and make them love all panties equally. If this comes to pass, Yurika will be forced to live as a panty forever, and since that idea does not appeal to her, she embarks on a quest to stop Panzi and destroy his brainwashing machine. That’s it. That’s the whole story. I mean, along the way you meet a couple of other Warriors of Love and some other panty characters, but it never gets less stupid. The story is more haphazardly written than an elementary schooler’s short story, the characters are more two dimensional than a loli’s chest, and at no point do either become interesting or compelling in the slightest.

The game plays like a crappy Xbox 360 indie beat ’em up. You use the left stick to move, the right stick to control the camera, you click the left stick to dash, and you can use L and R to dash to the side to dodge. ZL can activate “Passion” mode when your Passion gauge is filled which gives you a buff to attack and defense as well possibly changing an attack depending on the panty you’re playing as. B jumps, A is your special attack, Y is your melee attack, and X is your range attack. The controls feel awkward, none of the hits ever feel satisfying, and the combat itself is short-lived and monotonous.

Visually, the game is okay at best. It doesn’t even make the Switch break a sweat docked, but it’s not going to impress anyone. Lackluster textures, an uninspired art style, an unimpressive resolution without any visual flairs. It’s the epitome of average. With a visual detail this unimpressive, I figured they could have at least gotten a solid 60 fps out of the game, but it seems to be running at a standard old 30 fps. That’s certainly not bad and is a totally acceptable frame rate, but my 2019, I feel like 60 should be the target for games that aren’t pushing a system graphically. Especially when the game isn’t even good. Have SOME aspect that stands out other than how disappointing it is.

The game’s length is kind of a backhanded mercy. From first putting the game card in my Switch to having beaten the game with every playable panty unlocked, only two hours passed. That’s it. Two hours from start to 100% finished. On the one hand, that’s a mercy because the game sucks, and I was kind of bored after just 45 minutes. On the other hand, this is literally one of the shortest games I’ve ever played without trying to speedrun, and it’s definitely the shortest game to 100% complete that I’ve ever played. With the lackluster visuals, the blah music and voice acting, the stupid story, and the average performance, the game’s length is just the icing on top of this moldy, festering cake.

Panty Party is without a doubt the biggest disappointment of my gaming life. I’ve played games that are worse, but I knew those games were going to be terrible going into it. I definitely never expected a game like Panty Party to be game of the year material or anything, but come on; I’m me! I should absolutely love a game like this. I’m SO easy to please when it comes to lewd anime games, but somehow, AnimuGame (in hindsight, I feel like the name of the developer should have been a red flag) found a way to disappoint me. My reviewing this game is like Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election; it should have been the easiest win imaginable, and yet it still somehow found a snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. This game sucks. Don’t waste your money on it. I’d say not to waste your time on it, but there isn’t enough game here to take up much of your time.