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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Chicago on alert for homeopathic terrorists

Three homeopathic terrorists could be in the Chicago area, say members of the Green Squad.

“These individuals are extremely dangerous.” Said an officer who asked to be identified as R1. “They can take any benign substance, and reduce it into a poison.”

The Green Squad believes that the terrorists, members of the John Benneth Sympathic Alliance, want to unleash a homeopathic weapon of mass destruction during Super Bowl weekend. Chicago is believed to be one of their targets.

“There are operatives in each of the NFL playoff cities.” said R1. “If the Bears make it to the Super Bowl, we will be one of the targets.”

In addition to being Super Bowl weekend, the first weekend in February will also be the international 10:23 protest. Skeptical protesters around the world will deliberately overdose on homeopathic pills. If the protesters survive, they say it will prove that there is nothing in the pills.

Chicago officials fear that the terrorists want to stage a deadly counter-protest to prove the effectiveness of homeopathy. If the Chicago cell gets the go signal, they will try to find a normally harmless substance, like caffeine. They will take one drop of caffeine, add ninety-nine drops of water, and then shake the container. They will then take a drop of that solution, put it in another container, add ninety-nine drops of water, and then shake that container as well. After repeating the process five more times, the substance, according to homeopaths, now causes drowsiness. Each further dilution will make the substance more powerful.

Said Paula Omstead of the Chicago Homeopathic Association, “A responsible homeopath knows when to stop diluting. There’s terrorists have no such ethical limits.”

Some officials fear that the terrorists could try to turn a deadly homeopathic substance into an aerosol that they can spray in a public place. Others fear that that will put a drop of the substance into Lake Michigan, poisoning the Great Lakes.

“Thousands would be dead in a matter of seconds because of quantum mechanics.” Said Omstead. “I know these freedom fighters mean well, but homeopathic medicine would be hated forever, and allopathic medicine would be the only legal medicine left!”

R1 said that while the threat is serious, there are currently no plans to cancel the mayoral election and appoint Rahm Emanuel mayor.

The Chicago police refused to return our phone calls.

Emanuel made several unprintable remarks about The Babbler before hanging up.

When The Babbler tried to reach Benneth, a spokesperson replied that Benneth had never heard of the group, and did not support any form of terrorism.

“Mr. Benneth believes in fighting the modern medical establishment through the web and YouTube videos.”

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