The judges start fighting

I’m eating meat and potatoes and drinking something called an Alabama Slammer. I’m feeling incredibly American and I’m ready to find someone to idolize.

Ryan “Hair” Seacrest says, “It’s season five and the stakes are even higher!” I feel compelled to point out that the stakes are not, in fact, any higher than any other season, folks. Everyone keep calm.

Heidi Fairbanks looks like Jessica Simpson. She’s from Hawaii. She’s an opera singer, but she’s not much of a good pop singer.

Shawn Vasquez has been singing forever. Opera lessons, he says. He sings Gladys Knight. He sings like a girl. He wails like a girl. He has one of the worst voices Simon’s ever heard. That line is getting so old.

As the show goes to commercial, we get the teaser of the night: Simon walking out and Randy saying, “let’s just get through it.” Oh no, I hope there’s not any judge drama this season.

Note to anyone trying to sell me anything: Do NOT use the song My Humps.

Ahem. Back to the show.

Jose Penala. “People call me Sway.” He’s pretty good. He convinces me that I could write a pop song: “Baby, baby, baby, baby. Baby. I love you. Baby.” He’s the first person from San Francisco to go on to Hollywood.

John Williams is a military guy who started voice lessons six weeks ago when he got back from the desert. After singing his song, he does this: “Uh, hold up. Remix.” Puts on sunglasses and takes off his shirt and does some kind of Michael Jackson something or other. Simon: It was a little bit over the top. Paula says yes. Randy says yes. I’m happy for him, I can’t help it.

Shelesia recently discovered that she can sing. She quit her job to be on American Idol. She says, “It’s the best voice in the world.” She keeps pulling on her hair and then breaks into slam poetry. She’s not even good at that. Simon: “It wasn’t the best career move in the world, I think.” So Simon calls her boss and gets her job back. He does these things, you see, so he won’t be seen as completely one-dimensional. It’s all pretend. I bet Simon’s real name is Bob and he’s from Iowa.

Shawna White is a small-town kid. Dad’s in a rock band. She’s got a sweet voice. Simon thought her first song was annoying. Randy: “I don’t know what’s going on with his ears today.” She’s going to Hollywood.

Randy: “What’s going on with you today, dawg?” The camera shakes a little. Oh, this is so Mexican soap opera.

Marcus Phillips is an “all-terrain entertainer.” He talks way too fast and he’s an embarrassing singer.

Jayne Santayana is all right. Not my style. Simon: “I thought the song was way too big for you.” Randy and Paula love her. Judges are fighting. Paula pulls out a compact.

Debra Dawn Tilley. She says she’s 27, but this woman looks about 20 years older than me. She reminds me of Molly Shannon. Simon: “You’re kind of like somebody’s mother who is told to dress up like Cher and sing for a party.” It’s up to Simon. Simon needs to hear Debra Dawn with his eyes closed. Paula and Simon argue about whether or not Paula was there when Simon told Clay that he needed to hear him sing with his eyes closed. Simon walks off. He’s on his phone. Ryan has a smirk on his face and tells us that Simon is leaving. Simon goes to his hotel.