Priti Patel calls for end to encryptionThe Geordie accent will be banned under new encryption laws being proposed by the home secretary, we can report today.

Prompted by Priti Patel, the laws are intended to make it illegal to use any form of communication which is not comprehensible to the police and security services, meaning that people from Newcastle are well stuffed.

Geordies are unhappy at the news, we think, after one told us, “Ah think it’s deed ladgeful that people want tuh sta wor talkin leek this.

Scotland votes to ban smacking but to retain the headbutt October 3, 2019 Written by Mr HoovesIn a historic double vote, MSPs voted to ban smacking children but reaffirmed the use of the ”Glasgow kiss” as the traditional Caledonian greeting.

“Clearly hitting children is wrong, and we’re happy to stop doing that, but dropping the nut on someone is as Scottish as fried pizza or rampant religious bigotry, and we must do all we can to maintain our much loved national rituals,” said MSP Simon Williams.

When asked how the traditional Scottish Headbutt differed from other versions available elsewhere, MSP Williams added “It’s all in the presentation.

“First we have the vacant Buckfast/Heroin based stare. Then there is the rise off the floor shouting the traditional “Whasssyerfeckinlookinatyazbastards” and then, and only then, can the coup be bonce be properly administered, Preferably to an English tourist.

“It’s an integral part of our heritage. It has been used by everyone from the ancient Picts to William Wallace through to Bonnie Prince Charlie and Russ Abbott.

I looked up that Rees Mogg dude's Wikipedia and the funniest part of it is that growing up as a wealthy child he was gifted like a hundred shares of stock, and at 12 years old he would show up to shareholder meetings demanding that the board increase the dividends.

A spoiled idiot child screaming about how they deserve more money for something they were given is like the perfect encapsulation of the conservative mindset.

DAVID CAMERON TO JOIN CAST OF EASTENDERSCHIPCHASE NEWS IN BRIEF OCTOBER 9, 2019david-cameronIn a completely unexpected development The BBC has announced former PM David Cameron is to make his TV acting debut in top BBC soap EastEnders.

Reprising the role of James Wilmott-Brown and perfectly cast as a feckless toff, Mr Cameron’s character will become a thorn in the side of Mick Carter with the gripping denouement of their storyline slated for the traditional and much-anticipated Christmas Day blockbusting episode.

One EastEnders script consultant commented: ‘We got the idea when Danny called David a ‘twat’ live on TV and thought what great conflict we could create on the show. We expect ratings to soar from November when David’s scenes start to go out.’

Meanwhile another programme insider said: ‘Danny is looking forward to meeting Mr Cameron, who, if he knows what’s good for him, will keep his neck well and truly wound-in, or he’s liable to get a right good slap off of Danny if he tries coming it large with any old posh “Tory Boy” bollocks.’

Speaking to reporters Mr Cameron said: ‘Well you know, I can’t wait to get my shirtsleeves rolled up for this, just like I used to do when as Prime Minister I would visit hospitals pretending to care about the future of the NHS.’

IMAGINING BORIS’S SEX LIFE CAUSES POUND TO SINK TO 28-MONTH LOWWRENFOE NEWS IN BRIEF JULY 30, 2019Boz & CazAs news that the UK’s newest PM and oldest blagger had installed his ‘lover’ in No.10, currency markets were forced to concede that he had probably already ‘spaffed on her heaving love-cushions’. This ghastly image caused the pound to sink, gorges to rise and the cleaners at Downing Street to ask for industrial bleach.

Despite their age gap, with Carrie born in 1989 and Boris 1789, both reportedly indulged their carnal lusts in the very same bed that Theresa May managed to screw an entire nation. Currencies may fluctuate, but Mr. Johnson’s ardour does not and he was able to perform a variety of bedroom contortions – mainly based on his Brexit position.

Although technically still married, Mr. Johnson has been technically married during all his marriages. Meanwhile Lib Dem Leader Jo Swinson refused to rule out jumping into bed with Boris – but understood that she would probably have to ‘get in line’.

Moving in together is a big step for any couple, although when Boris builds a bridge to your heart – it rarely gets built. Whether the pound will bounce back is unclear, with one trader admitting: ‘I deal in hard currency but after imagining BoJo coitus, nothing will ever be hard again’.

REBOOT OF THOMAS THETANK ENGINE HIT BY INFRASTRUCTURE DELAYSCHRISF ARTS/ENTERTAINMENT, FROM THE ARCHIVES SEPTEMBER 30, 2019thomas-the-tank-engine-637x397The much-publicised revamp of the Thomas the Tank Engine TV series, in which traditional characters and storylines are to get a injection of 21st century realism, was in chaos today, after the owners of Sodor’s track system announced they would not be able to complete the repairs and upgrades to the network in time for the first episode.

‘This is a hugely complex infrastructure project, in which we were asked to make much-needed improvements to the whole of the North Western Railway’ said Peter McBride, project lead at the Really Useful Infrastructure Network. ‘Most of the lines are nearly 75 years old and in our renovations, we’ve uncovered much more sexism, classism and bits of casual racism than we first anticipated. Oh, and sabotage on an industrial scale by that little shit Diesel 10. We’re aiming for completion in June 2019, which is still well before Crossrail, mind.’

Producers have promised a more diverse set of characters, gender balance, and story lines that reflect the modern world of work in the new series. Episode 1 will see female engines Rebecca, Nia and Emily lobbying Boris the Fat Take Back Controller for equal pay for equal work, in the face of 30% lower hourly pay rates than Percy, James and Gordon. Episode 2 is thought to focus on Isla, the Australian Flying Doctor, who is struggling to cope with 70-hour average working weeks and cuts in her payments for unsocial hours.

‘This is an update that reflects the realities of 21st Century Britain, sorry, Sodor,’ said one of the producers. ‘Episode 3 will look at the implications of 50% of the trains being placed on a zero-hours contracts, with the rest, apart from Thomas, routinely having to reapply for their jobs. Churubala, the female railway controller from India, will be introduced in Episode 4, after her global train operating company successfully bids to run the problematic East Coast line in Sodor.’

The series is thought to be building towards a tense final episode, in which many of the trains get together to push through a statutory trade union recognition procedure at establishment level in an attempt to standardise terms and conditions, only to be undermined by Thomas and a couple of the others male leads, who it is revealed are on juicy individual performance-related pay packages

BORIS PROMISES ‘CLIMATE WITHDRAWAL’ – CLEXITWRENFOE NEWS IN BRIEF OCTOBER 8, 2019ClimateIn response to the country being narrowly split, 2% to 98% in favour of helping the environment, the Prime Minister has promised to take back control of our weather systems. His current proposal is a Clexit, whereby the UK would be in a position to make its own oxygen, ozone and strike trade deals with dolphins.

There would be no need for a hard border in Ireland, as Northern Ireland would be submerged under five foot of glacial flood water. Plus, no one can meddle with British fisheries, if we have no fish.

Mr. Johnson has set an ambitious deadline of destroying the environment before Brexit – which only gives him at least 10 years. In what is seen as a veiled criticism of those who would like to Remain in the environment, Boris said he would not rule out a Hard-Clexit, where we leave the Earth’s eco-system; which involves packing the UK into a series of non-recyclable carrier bags and shooting it into space.

The Green Party have warned that a Clexit is unrealistic but, worse still, it would leave them with nothing to do. Meanwhile Jo Swinson and the Lib Dems have said they will simply revoke all environmental damage by holding their breath – indefinitely.

SNP FORMALLY BACK DECRIMINALISING HAGGISNEWSBISCUIT EDITORIAL TEAM LIFESTYLE OCTOBER 14, 2019sdfsdfdsfThe Scottish National Party have declared an end to the prohibition of offal or meat products that look like Boris Johnson. Once the legislation is passed, ordinary Scottish citizens will be allowed to inject haggis, smoke haggis but will still struggle to snort a whole one.

The possession and consumption of an animal’s stomach, filled with suet and oatmeal, will no longer be a crime but will still remain a cry for help. Subsequently the SNP plan to trial safe consumption rooms – otherwise known as a Gregg’s.

The dangers of haggis were famously highlighted in ‘Trainspotting’; with a memorable scene in which Ewan McGregor swims into a shit-encrusted toilet, in search of a turd-shaped haggis. Later in the film, another character shits the bed – not because of haggis, mind you, that’s just something they do in Glasgow.

To this day haggis remains banned in the US, as it technically on the terrorist watch list. Said an SNP spokeswoman: ‘People are sadly prejudiced against the nutty texture of stuffed intestines – or, as we call it, the SNP under Alex Salmond’.

YOU might be concerned about the climate crisis but your comfortable, SUV driving, cocaine sniffing mates couldn’t give two sh*ts. Turn them into activists by pretending it’s a stag do.

Handout Extinction Rebellion t-shirts explaining that the logo is actually the new steering wheel for a concept ‘fanny magnet’ Jaguar XR.

The XR flags they’re holding are for a game of human golf where they have to stand around London whilst the stag tries to chip the ball into their anus.

Tell them they’re all going to need adult nappies not because they’re handcuffing themselves to a boat in Oxford Street but because first one to use an actual toilet has to pay for all the lap dances.

Once they’ve all super-glued their arses to Whitehall ‘for the banter’ tell them the police liaison officer is a stripper and they can only get to the ‘champagne room’ by slipping a tenner into her high vis vest.

Successfully in the champagne room/ prison cell them what absolute legends they all are for getting arrested but they do actually owe £400 quid each for costs.

Typhoon is no reason to cancel a rugby match, says retired PE teacher12th October 2019

RUGBY World Cup officials who cancelled matches because of a typhoon are a ‘bunch of fairies’, according to a retired PE teacher.

Norman Steele, 72, said: “In my day, if anyone complained about a drop of rain, we would send them out in their vest and pants.”

Dismissing 190-mile-an-hour winds around Japan, Steele added: “You’re going to call off the rugby because of a tropical thing with a name like Hagibis? This sort of ‘storm surge’ is just the thing to get a bit of colour into a young boy’s cheeks.

“I’ve broken my nose 12 times and it never did me any harm.”

Steele added: “During the Great Storm of ’87, a few fairy boys tried to get out of games. So I sent them out to do 300 laps of the pitch.

“Runty McGee lost his inhaler in a gust, but he didn’t die and therefore it was character building,”

Couple spice up sex life by having sex11th October 2019

A COUPLE have decided to spice things up in the bedroom by having sex.

Tom Booker and Carolyn Ryan have been in a relationship for four years but admit that they need to bring some variety to the bedroom by not just staring at their phones in silence all the time.

Ryan said: “It felt quite crazy at first. I mean, sex? Really? It’s a bit risqué, isn’t it? But you hear about other people doing it and they have healthy sex lives so we thought we’d give it a go.

“We have talked about it before, usually after we’ve had a few drinks, so I guess the time has come to push through the embarrassment and actually do it. It’s quite exciting, in a way.”

Booker said: “I’ve never been much into experimenting, but we’ve got to try something.

“I just hope my mates don’t find out about it and laugh at me. They’re all in long-term co-habiting relationships and if they find out I’ve been having sex I’ll never live it down.”

Ryan added: “And if it doesn’t work in the bedroom, who knows? Maybe I’ll try sex somewhere else. With other people.”

Saudi government to let women masturbate without permission from a male relative

The Saudi government has passed legislation that will allow women to masturbate without permission from a male relative, reports the Riyadh Herald this morning.The change was included in extensive amendments to laws governing the civil status of women and domestic animals approved by the cabinet this week and published in the official gazette on Friday.The new bill will allow women over the age of 21 to masturbate without securing the consent of a guardian, the same rules that apply to Saudi men, according to a statement from the kingdom’s Center for Government Communication.

“It is a major step toward ending a restrictive guardianship system that has been heavily criticized at home and abroad, » believes Anna Kroch, of Amnesty International.

The new Saudi legislation no longer legally condemns the practice of masturbation by women as self-rape, a “major step forward” believes Anna Kroch at Amnesty International. “Saudi women are now legally allowed to insert any object they please in any of their orifices as long as the item is halal or permissible according to Islamic law,” explained women’s rights activist, Anna Kroch.A number of conservative leaders have publicly criticized the new piece of legislation fearing that it promotes public indecency and the practice of homosexuality and bestiality.

One member of the Consultative Assembly even suggested that the whole affair was a “devious plot by the devil-worshipping Zionist pigs” to pervert the moral customs of the kingdom.Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has put loosening social restrictions on masturbation which was once prohibited in the kingdom and considered as self-rape, an offense punishable as adultery or fornication.

To prevent young unmarried men from throwing their sexual lust on domestic or farm animals, legislation on masturbation was passed last year that legalized the practice for men and allowed it for women, but only with the permission of a male relative.https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/saudi- ... -relative/

Having landed the handy number of Leader of the House, and therefore with very little else to do to get his day in but ponce about Westminster and scare small children, the sepulchral Jacob Rees-Mogg has been asked by Boris Johnson to brainstorm a new scheme that will see up to 95% of all children over the age of seven holding down weekend job by this time next year.

Mr Rees-Mogg said: ‘I am delighted to have been asked to help create this simply splendid initiative. Today’s children are missing out on so many life skills by not engaging in paid work as early as possible so this is a most wonderful opportunity for them to learn.’

‘The new compulsory scheme will see young people required to register themselves “available for work at weekends” and after an assessment interview they will be given three work placement choices, one of which they must accept or run the risk being taken into care.’

It’s understood that already there has been considerable interest in the scheme from several market sectors, with the chimney sweeping, fish-gutting and sweatshop tailoring trades all keen to cooperate in giving youngsters a proper start.

‘We’re not sure if we will be able to secure payments at national minimum wage levels, but even if it’s around £0.15p per-hour, then at least they’ll be earning some pocket money, whilst in some small way helping to help make Britain great once again,’ added Mr Rees-Mogg.