Ashton Kutcher to be shot into space

Is expected to return

Having slipped the surly bonds of Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher will soon put even greater distance between them by casting himself into orbit some 100 km above the Earth’s surface, held aloft on rocket boosters of hubris and disposable income. As The Hollywood Reporter notes, Kutcher has just been confirmed as the commemorative 500th “astronaut” on Virgin Galactic’s SpaceShipTwo, where $200,000 has just netted him a seat on one of the initial planned voyages for Richard Branson’s pioneering commercial spacecraft that hasn’t actually been to space yet. But someday soon it shall, and among those who will be first to “experience the magic of space for himself,” in Branson’s words, will be the Two And A Half Men star, making him the first non-Richard Branson celebrity in space, and thus provoking hot, bitter tears from Lance Bass. “Poetry! They should have sent a poet,” no one will say, because Ashton Kutcher will be there to tweet about it.