Monday, September 21, 2009

Loving it...

My family isn't normal in fact it is based on much pain and misery and if I were to break it down slavery or the escape from slavery. Still my people struggled and strived and in some places flourished. It doesn't discount the immense psychic or emotional toll it has taken on all of us. Being mixed and racially "other", adopted and then abandoned. Stuff that makes me a very complicated soul. I am ever grateful for all of this "color" it has shaped this soul, it has honed my skills. Which are still unfolding and honing as we speak. One of the grandest gifts all of this living has given me is a greater capacity for love. Not only in receiving it, but giving it. I must say it is a by product of the willingness to work. The willingness to re-educate myself and learn the rules of engagement emotionally. The rules of love universally. So in fact, all of the hardship, abandonment, shame and misery is worth it. If it gets us to a place where we can fall in love with life and ourselves and those we come in day to day contact. Life is good.

Still one of my most difficult places where I still have raw emotional bits hanging out is with/around my Father. The funny guy. I want to separate myself from him and punish him and yet I don't. I love him...like mad. I am going to say something which many people will think insane but I mean it, serious as a heart attack. Until we can find how reflective everything in our lives is...in other words his crimes against me are crimes I commit myself against both myself and HIM. He is me and I am him. I will never be able to call myself whole. We cannot separate ourselves from any aspect of our lives. It is all US. Even Hitler. UGH...painfully true.

Oh people will argue and disagree but it is the only way through and into and out the other side to love. We cannot experience true forgiveness if we are separate if we hold anyone guilty.

I am not saying people don't do heinous things to us.They do and we reflect those same things first in order to have them happen to us.It's LAW.Ahhhh so complicated.

Somewhere it is true...so in fact even as childern/souls we allow or choose to be victim.

I hear the protests but I hold this as true.

I chose Tommy Chong to be my dad and I got a lot of action some great, a lot not so great...nothing like complicated issues to crack open a well guarded heart.

7 comments:

Hi Rae,You are a beautiful, talented, loving, giving, creative person, you are my fave actress. Well mostly because of Mysterious Ways, and all of your works. Can I include you as my fave actress with Ali Down? You know I was a fan of your father's mostly from That Seventies Show (where I know him from) but reading your Blogs I now find myself changing my position of liking him at all. It is not for me to judge because I don't know him personally. I will like the part he played on Seventies Show. I never saw him as Cheech n Chong. Too young for that. lol I did see him on CRIBS.If he treats or treated you bad, I will have no respect for him.Love you Rae and your AWESOME TALENTS.Love, Cheryl.

Great words, thank you. It's amazing how limiting words can be when when it comes to describing our emotional connection to things.

But what is important is being able to tune in to our connections with the people in our lives like "parents" particularly "fathers". To find a harmonious place, and to hold on to that feeling as long as possible. the same value of energy that can be to relive negative experiences can be used to relive positive ones. Resentments will suspend us, if not destroy us.

Oh dear...I know I have been really tough on him (lately) but there are very likable parts to Tommy Chong and I apologize for airing our laundry in the note blog it isn't my intention to out him per se. It is my intention to share the journey to LOVE , my story. He is just doing the best he can...I have love for him.

The funny thing is life has a way of testing us. Rae remember you can play the role of the victor or the victim. Our perecption of ourselves is probably the biggest strength or weakness we have. How do you see yourself?

Driving my 4-yr old daughter to preK recently when she asked why a cannon was on the lawn in front of that house (our local veterans of foreign wars post). I said the cannon was a symbol...and that house was where the good guys live.

Semantically uncomfortable, as we drove on I reflected on the fact that both sides in a conflict generally think they are the good guys...and I don't know that we can consciously control what side we are born into. It appears flesh is flesh and we are just who what where we are at any moment, knowing only the side we are on, and it can be very very difficult and painful growing to know the other "side" is you too. But, I wholeheartedly agree Rae -- that's the high road out and in.