Wednesday, December 17, 2014

For all of my fellow Serial crazies, tomorrow shall mark the end of the Mail Kimp end. Will anyone ever think of payphones ever, ever again? Will Adnan's big cow eyes ever be free to make BBQ sauce without having to use maple syrup? Did Jay get a good nap in? Why doesn't Mr. S like brandy? What even is brandy? If this is just a big-ass Best Buy commercial, I'm going to be PISSED.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Some days you just have a case of ye olde blah face. Whether you're feeling half shitty, tired, or just can't find any effs to gives towards trying -- we've all been there, sister. It happens.

I'm meh-faced and I know it.

Luckily, there is an easy cure-all for this dreadful affliction, and it takes the absolute minimal time and effort, because you know how I do. I'm talking about getting fancy with yourself and using a bold lipstick. I know that there are still some of you out there that are all, "I just can't do a bright/dark/whatever lip colors." I SEE YOU, AND YES, YOU CAN.

Are there rules and shit about picking cool-toned lipsticks if you're a cool-skinned person, and all of that hootenanny? Yeah, sure, whatever. But who cares? That's boring. All you really need is a "Bitch, I look good" attitude adjustment, and you can wear whatever the hell makeup item that you're into at that exact second.

With that in mind, here are some of my ride-or-die lipsticks in various shades that are sure to cure boring face in under ten seconds flat. (TIME ME, MOFOs.)

Let's be real -- red lips are the training wheels of bold and bangin' lipsticks. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I love red lipstick, and absolutely every pair of lips attached to a face can pull it off. If you're one of those homies that I referenced who are still scared to get crazy with your lipstick, this puppy is for you.

My husband just saw me working on this and said, "That lipstick is too crazy," re: this picture. (For reference, he said the red lipstick picture looked "normal.") So, now we're getting divorced. JK.

Orange-y lipsticks are definitely on the more adventurous side of the tracks. Like, where people that think a meal consisting of chips and wine are a more than adequate dinner live. I live there. Join me. It's fun (and apparently crazy) here.

Don't get it twisted, I'm not exclusively about that bright lip game. Dark lips are equally dope. In fact, being the moody brooder that I am, deep berry lipsticks probably match my personality best. But I also like unicorns and mermaids and such, so....you see why the shades are vast and varied here.

Okay, I'm 100% sick of looking at my own damn mug, so I'm wrapping it up. What bold-to-death lipstick shades are you into? Tell me in the comments. Or maybe even upload a picture of YOUR beautiful mug. I WANT TO SEE ALL THE THINGS.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

The other day I was reading this article over at Refinery29, and came across this bomb picture of Gwen Stefani. It was like watching Jonathan Brandis (RIP) in Ladybugs** -- I fell in love all over again. GS is usually looking consistently fly, so it's not like I expected anything different from her ass, but I feel like this makeup look is slightly different from her regular deal and I wanted that shit on my face immediately.

I've recreated it below in a few easy steps, so read on, reader, if you
want Gwennie's glorious face on your face. (Without getting all Buffalo Bill-y
and illegal.)

P.S. I would (almost but not quite) literally kill for that kimono.

I started with the eyes, which are really pretty simple and low key, with a touch of shimmer. (But NOT glitter, the nemesis of soul windows everywhere.) I'm using the Lorac Starry-Eyed Baked Eye Shadow Trio in Pro Star, which I can't friggin' find anywhere, but this Superstar palette ($27) is super-similar.

Start by applying a shimmery brown shadow from the crease to the lash line.

Follow up by using a light bronze-y eyeshadow in the crease and also on the bottom lash line.

Finish off with a powerful mascara, because Gwen's lashes be bangin' in this face case. I'm using Rimmel Scandaleyes Rockin' Curves Mascara ($6.99), that CVS Beauty Club so kindly sent me to sample, along with the Rimmel lipstick that I use in a hot minute. The mascara is actually pretty boss. It makes my lashes seem as long as a Real Housewives Reunion show, parts one through seven, but 309485% less boring.

The last step is to throw on a bright reddish-pink lipstick, like Rimmel Moisture Renew Lipstick in As You Want Victoria ($6.99). I really enjoy the shade of this 'stick, but I had to get used to the moisturizing aspect. I'm usually more of a matte lip kind of mofo, so I had to do some reapplying as the hours ticked by. But the formula feels like a dream, so it's worth the extra seconds of reapply time.

That's it, here's the finished product. I might not look as much like a flawless creamy-skinned elf as Gwen, but I'm completely into this face.

What do you guys think? Are you into Mizz Gwen's look? You don't even know how hard I had to fight against making a "Hella Good" reference here, so tell your brains "you're welcome" for the reprieve from my typical terrible puns.

** I used to carry around a folded-up pictures of Jonathan Brandis in my pocket in Elementary school. I was an avid reader of Tiger Beat, Big Bopper, et al, and I would rip out pictures of JB and carry them until they pretty much deteriorated into ransom-letter-like scraps.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Mila was spotted shopping or doing some other inane activity earlier today, and paps caught that b ring-handed. Get it? I know, that was disgustingly pun-y. Homegirl was wearing an engagement ring, so clearly she and the Kutch are getting all legal and boring together. (Go on over to E! if you feel like checking out what her ring is all about.)

I don't know about you, but I'm all for these tabby cats marrying each other. They're both hot, they seem like they kind of hate everything, and they like wearing matching outfit. It's no Justin and Britney denim moment, but whatever.

I mean, if Ashton saw a human wearing those denim capris with a single, solitary pocket and didn't hit it and then quit it forever, then that sh*t is true love. Plus, I'm sure she's seen Dude, Where's My Car?, so she totally has a forgiving heart.

Congratu-effin-lations, you two sexy ass pieces of dry toast. (P.S. Dry toast is all you'll be able to eat for two weeks after watching that gif.)

Friday, January 24, 2014

you too can creepily take pics of andre leon talley! plus, products for dayzzzzz.

I seriously CANNOT believe that it is already time for the Allure Beauty Blogger Award (version 2014) once again. That means it has been a solid two years since my raggedy ass decided to submit myself, and that is completely mind boggling (bloggering? zing!) to me. Entering, and then winning, this contest has been the actual highlight of my life, and I really can't even tell you enough how all of you mean mugs should enter if you fancy yourself a beauty blogger.

The process to enter is very easy, or you know that my lazy ass wouldn't have even attempted. And if you're all, "I'm not even that great of a blogger. Why bother? Pshhhaw on all of this," I say to you...

Put yourself out there. Give that sh*t a shot. At worst, nothing comes of it. At best, you have THE BEST EFFING EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE. I got to do things that I never could have even dreamed of in 2.3 million years, seriously. Go over to Allure right this second and check out all of the details on the contest this year.

I love you all dearly, and I only want the best for all of your damn lives, so do you and go do this. That's as close to a motivational message that you'll ever get from my old, crotchety ass. Now, get off my lawn!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Yep, that Corey. He apparently has a new music video, called "Ascension Millennium," in which he looks to be reprising his role in The Lost Boys, because homeboy is looking undead lite. Keep eating those pancakes and maybe up your Flintstones Vitamins intake, boss, because you are looking a bit like a tepid glass of tap water. I feel concern in my cold, dead heart.

I am feeling those baby gloves, though. I just wish that Corey's music video made me get more of this kind of vibe from The Lost Boys.

Tell me you're not hypnotized by that oil field of a chest/Home Depot chain combo. It will be a damn lie.

Speaking of my old school people, Melissa Joan Hart, who I will always see as this literal hot mess in my mind:

Is coming out with a tell-all book entitled, Melissa Explains It All. (See what she did there?) This serious piece of literature is not, sadly, about how to make a ball gown from strawberry-flavored Fruit Roll Ups (I would totally read that sh*t), but about her "wild" lifestyle in the late 90's. According to Life & Style, Melissa said, “I experimented with weed, Ecstasy, mushrooms and mescaline for about a year and a half. " She also said that she made out with a girl in a limo, or something.

Boring. Holla back when you're ready to say that you made out with Salem the cat from Sabrina the Teenaged Witch. Or that you did bath salts with that dude that climbed through the Clarissa window, or something.

Step up your game, old people. You're making us look super non-scandalous.
Pin It

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

To be realzzz with you, I'm super surprised that the whole nail art trend mess is still going down. It's not really something that most peeps can do with their own two hands, and it's been going on for way longer than a hot ass minute. But just because you aren't sponge painting ice cream cones onto your pinkie nails, doesn't mean you have to succumb to having your paws take the next train to Blahsville. Try these easy, and MUCH lazier ways of having an exciting mani.

I have straight up (now tell me) been on Floss Gloss' junk for a while now, and that's because their ish is the boss. Especially the glitter polishes, which are 100% opaque after two coats. This is no willy nilly nonsense. This polish is straight Willy Wonka's golden ticket on your tips. (I SAID TIPS.) Check out all of the Floss Gloss color choice (they are all hot) here.

Okay, so these are Halloween-themed nail stickers from Incoco, but IT'S MUMMIESAND THEY GLOW. That sh*t is timeless. If you can't paint real, live, mummies on your nails, this is totally the next best thing. And these stickers are so friggin' easy to use. They take me ten minutes to put on, when others take me, like, an hour. STOP JUDGING ME WITH YOUR EYES. See all of the (non-mummy) available Incoco designs here.

Call me trash, but I love neon polish right now. It's fun, and makes you feel uber Saved by the Bell-ish without wearing a Hypercolor t-shirt. The best thing about this Revlon Nail Art Neon Polish is the white base coat. It makes the neons even more neon-y. And there are ten colors to choose from, so you can definitely find one that will work for your ass. Unless you hate bright colors. Then you won't find one that will work for your ass. Try Hot Topic for "Black as Sadness," or whatever. Check the Revlon Neon array here.