Prophets of doom swell jobless numbers across Britain

Prophets of doom are set to join the hordes of civil servants and small loans advisors on dole queues across Britain, it was claimed today by Oracle, the prophets' trade union. While civil servants are not needed because there will no longer be public services and small loans advisors are not needed because not even God can get a loan, prophets of doom are finding themselves out of work in the face of overwhelming doom in the present.

"There's very little point in predicting doom in the future any more," explained Jack 'Farsight' Whitley of Reading as he filled out the 50-page JSA form at his local Jobcentre. "There's so much crap stuff going down right now that the promise of doom in the future doesn't scare anyone. I mean, what with recessions, wars, global warming, natural disasters and what-have-you, the end isn't nigh, it's fucking well here. There's no point in running to the hills either. They're all eroding due to deforestation. I mean, we're screwed, but everyone knows that already so there isn't much mileage in predicting it for the future any more."

Mr Whitley is unsure what type of jobs he will find in today's difficult job market. "There's not much call for former prophets," he said with a shrug. "Apart from anything else people say stuff like 'So why didn't you predict you'd become unemployed then?' Yeah, very bloody clever – haven't heard that one before. And then look at this sodding form – it doesn't even have the right boxes to describe my old job. What did you achieve in your last position? Well I was bloody right wasn't I? I mean, there was doom on the way, and now it's here. You can't fault me on accuracy."

But there is little comfort in being right now for Jack Whitley and the thousands of prophets of doom like him across Britain. All the future holds for them is £65 a week and a meagre travel allowance.