I presume by 'girls', you mean to include those women closer to your own age group.

You may not be a bad person, but you do seem to have quite a casual attitude towards your marriage. Maybe as a thought exercise, you can go back to the day you took your vows with her and try to remember what made you do that. Did you love her then? If you did, what caused it to change? And is that down to her or you?

If you didn't really love her to begin with, or you can no longer identify with the person you were when you did, perhaps you are both better off out of it. But before you do anything, maybe you need to figure out what you really want from life. Do you want to be free as a bird, even when your health is beginning to fail and you're no longer the catch you were?

Your ambition seems to be about enjoying the here and now. While that's fair enough, and a good attitude to have to a degree, I think luck works on a law of diminishing returns, and the more you need it, the less you get, until it runs out altogether. So I think the least both you and your wife deserve is to think about the decision carefully. Whether you like it or not, you could be making a long-term commitment to something, and your friends are right, it could be to being alone.

That might not be a bad thing, as long as your eyes are wide to the possibility and all its implications.

So long as they're consenting adults, who cares what age of woman he wants to date?

However the bit that stood out for me was that your wife has 'no idea' that you're not happy. This tells me that you're not close enough for her to have a clue and makes me wonder yeah, like, why did you marry her then.

I mean if my partner was unhappy I would know. We talk about everything. We're open and honest with each other, no matter how hard it might be sometimes to admit to certain things. Isn't that... kind of part of the marriage package? When looks fade, what else do you have to fall back on but a mutual understanding and acceptance of each other and jolly good conversations?

So yeah you do seem to have a 'whatever' attitude towards your wife which is unusual. No, you're not a bad person at all UNLESS you've been signing up to online dating/messaging women etc, in which case, yes, you are a bad person. It's the coward's way out. It's the coward's way of forcing the issue that the relationship isn't working and is an entirely selfish way of treating someone.

Just be honest and tell her the truth; that you're not in love anymore (if you ever were), and that you want out. I mean we can speculate all we want but you've been clear as a bell about that. Don't stay just because you don't wanna be alone. I know a lot of people do that. It's mediocre to settle for someone for that reason. Then again, it's also mediocre to settle for dissatisfying rat-race day jobs, drinking with people who only see you to drink, spending Christmas with people you don't like and listening to Status Quo. So against that backdrop, I guess it's only natural to want to stay in a comfortable pair of slippers and sort of mozy through life.

But you're not happy. That's the most important thing. You're not happy, so let her know and let her go to find someone better suited for her.

Impy2 wrote:No don't really want to fix things. I don't really love her is the problem. I'd love to be back dating again. Am I a bad person

What would make you a bad person is if you were stringing her along or cheating on her. If you no longer love her and you don't want to be there then you will have to be honest and tell her. Its not fair on her if you stay and you don't love her.

Hi
It’s your life and you have a right to be happy but just don’t do anything rash.
I think many people if they are honest find the first few years of marriage rather unsettling. It’s totally different from dating someone or living with them because you’ve made a commitment to them to spend the rest of your lives together and that’s massive. It’s not wrong to have doubts or second thoughts but what would be wrong would be to throw the towel in without making any attempt to live up to the vows you’ve made. Four years isn’t long compared to the rest of your life.

You say you miss casual relationships and certainly the excitement of dating and the attention of the opposite sex can make us feel good. Try to think of ways you can get a bit of adrenaline and the feelgood factor in your life without being unfaithful.

Have you thought of taking a holiday on your own so you could look at things from a different perspective and perhaps identify what really is wrong and then make a real effort to alter things. Perhaps you both need more space in the marriage.

If you’ve done everything you can and you really can’t see a solution then the fairest thing is to dissolve the marriage in the least hurtful way you can. At least you will have a clear conscience that you have at least tried to resolve the situation.

We sit at opposite ends of the settee. She plays computer games from 7 to 11pm every night. I'm at the other end surfing the net. One night she did try snuggling up and my instant reaction was to push her away. When I do have to have sex I'm relieved when it's over and think great I have another month not to have to do it again. I really have issues here. This cannot be normal.

This is a miserable existence for you and it is hardly any wonder you are looking back longingly at your previous uncomplicated single life. It is admirable that you do not leave because you do not want to hurt your wife but unless she is extremely obtuse she must realise things aren’t right.

Only four years ago you married. You were not a lovesick teenager and you were not forced at gunpoint so you must have had feelings for her then and you must have had expectations of a happy future. There has to be a reason why the pair bonding mechanism has broken down so completely.

You need to give yourself some space and start some heavy duty self analysis and introspection. Look at the pattern of your first marriage and the reasons for the break up. Look at subsequent relationships and friendships and see how they fared. Have you had difficulty sustaining relationships in the past perhaps even in childhood? Of course it could be your wife who has the problem. What is her past history? At what point in the past four years did your feelings start to change?

Try to make some sense out of all this and of course at some point you will have to have a conversation with your wife.

You do have a duty to your own wellbeing and happiness so this needs to be resolved one way or another.

Problem was when we married her 26 year old son moved in immediately after the wedding. Was supposed to be 1 year which led on to 3. Stepson from hell. He stirred up trouble from the start and of course his mother couldn't see it. She just kept saying she was caught in the middle. Anyway he moved out in November past but everyone thinks that would be perfect now but it's not. I've been so stressed with it all it has put a real rift in the marriage. I have a stepdaughter as well that doesn't bother with me. I find that hard. She's now pregnant and I think that will cause more problems. I have no children myself and would have loved to have married into a happy family. That's why I think we should split.
Thanks
Steve

I couldn't get a handle on this problem at first but now you mention she is pregnant, wether that was accidental or not does not matter, it was not what you " signed up for", you married a woman with a grown up family whose child rearing days were over.

It's easy to see now why you are so uncertain about the future, the ideal way forward is to embrace fatherhood with enthusiasm and accept that life is going to focus around the child for many years to come. If you really do not want to face that do bear in mind that you will still be a father with responsibilities, you will have to pay maintenence, she is likely to get the house and if you divorce, as your wife will get a share of you wealth. On the other side once the child is settled, as she is obviously much younger maybe she will divorce you.

Boulding questioned her "history", how many breakups has she had, my nightmare neighbour is a very attractive 50 yr old with 4 children, by 3 HUSBANDS and a BOYFRIEND that saw the light, she fleeced each one at least 6 figures and is now hunting for victim number 5.

Only you can decide what the prospects are for a good relationship long term although I'm sure she will be making every effort to keep you for the time being, will it last?. My own choice would be dump her now!!.

David020549 wrote:I couldn't get a handle on this problem at first but now you mention she is pregnant, wether that was accidental or not does not matter, it was not what you " signed up for", you married a woman with a grown up family whose child rearing days were over.

I think it is the step-daughter who is pregnant.

These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

On the bright side you're set to become a grandad not a dad, which makes any split much less complicated and we're back to being bored. Inevitably a new arrival is going to make you feel even more sidelined, unless you can find another activity or interest to fill your time.