Too Smart for His Own Ed/Script

[Tonight is the school Spelling Bee. Kevin tests the microphone while Jonny rushes backstage with Plank. There, Edd is reading a book called "Spelling Bees for Advanced Spellers."]Jonny: "You haven't got a chance this year, Double D. Plank's been training!"[Jonny laughs. In another spot, a haggard Rolf is training with Jimmy.]Rolf: "W...O...C...H. Wrist clock!"Jimmy: "I can't feel my toes anymore, Rolf! We've been practicing for hours!"Rolf: "What prayer does Rolf have against this-this too smart for his hat Ed-boy?!" [He grabs Edd.]Edd:[escaping] "Yes, well, good luck, gentlemen, I'm sure all will be well."[Edd enters the locker room, where Eddy is ripping pages from a dictionary and stuffing them into Ed's ears.]Edd: "What are you doing to that poor defenseless dictionary!?"Eddy: "What's it look like?" [He stuffs another page in.] "Ed's cramming for the spelling bee! Feeling smarter, Ed?"Ed:[deaf] "What?"Edd: "As proud as I am that Ed decided to participate, I fear the competition may be a tad over his, um, head?"Eddy: "Aah, don't you worry your little egghead about Ed–" [he darts over to Edd] "–'cause you'll be going down in the third round. Right?"Edd: "I beg your pardon?"Eddy: "I made a big bet with Kev that Monobrow's gonna win in the third. So stick around a round or two so it looks good, then bam! Take a dive."Edd: "Surely you jest, Eddy." [The grin drops from Eddy's face.] "How could you ask me to disengage the rules of literacy? To squander the values of scholastic tradition! To spit upon the very foundations of what our language is built on!"Eddy: "So you're saying you won't do it?"[Edd leaves and lets the door swing shut in response.]Ed:[deaf] "What?"

[The lights go down, and spotlights hit the stage. Nazz is announcing, and Ed, Edd, Rolf, and Plank are ready.]Nazz: "Good evening!" [The mic squeals, and she blushes.] "Ladies and gentlemen, dudes and babes! Welcome to the Eighth Annual Peach Creek Spelling Bee!" [applause] "Let's begin, shall we? Double D. Your word to spell is...sara? Sar-aa–"Edd: "Nazz? Are you pronouncing 'cerebral'?"Nazz: "Yeah dude, totally!"[Edd makes his way to center stage.]Edd: "Cerebral. C-E-R-E-B-R-A-L. Cerebral."Nazz: "That's correct."[Eddy falls to the ground, scared.]Eddy: "I'm ruined. Tapped out. Busted."Nazz: "Uh, Plank? Okay. Your word is...see-see...cida...sid-eye–"Edd: "Pardon me once again, do you me deciduous?"Nazz: "Yeah, that's it! Thanks!"[Plank is held up to the microphone by Jonny.]Plank:[A buzzer rings, signaling the turn is over.]Nazz: "Oh, sorry dude. You ran out of time."Jonny: "What are you, deaf? He got it right! I got my eye on you. Wood-hater!" [He leaves the stage.]Nazz: "Boy, that was creepy. Next is Rolf. And your word is–" [Rolf begins to hyperventilate] "–um...col..on...ee–"Edd: "Colonial?"Nazz: "Right on, Double D."[Rolf makes his way to the microphone. He is greeted with applause. Rolf breathes heavily into the mic.]Rolf: "Rolf's mind goes blank." [He stares at the crowd.] "Colonial." [He continues to pant.] "POPPYCOCK! CURSE THIS MONKEY RITUAL OF ENGLISH WORDS!" [He knocks the mic over. This is greeted with some applause.] "Thank you Nana!"Nazz: "Um...Ed! Your word to spell is...eek-to-ma-plas-um?"Edd:[long-suffering] "Ectoplasm."Nazz: "I think so!" [Eddy peers at the stage.]Eddy: "Oh, man."Kevin: "Get ready to cough up, loser. 'Cause my boat just came in."[Ed sits in his chair, not hearing anything. Suddenly, the words penetrate.]Ed: "Oh oh I know! I saw it in a movie once!" [He lies next to the downed microphone.] "Ectoplasm. E-C-T-O-P-L-A-S-M. Ectoplasm."Nazz: "Correct."[Edd and Kevin look shocked. Ed and Eddy grin widely.]Nazz: "Awesome! You two are like tied!"Eddy: "Looks like that boat's on the other foot, huh Kev?"Kevin:[under his breath] "C'mon, Double Dweeb, you pull through, man."Nazz: "Okay, Double D, your final word is...gravy." [Edd grins at such an easy word.] "Hey, I got it!"Edd:[faking sympathy] "Better luck next year, Ed." [He walks to the reset microphone.] "Gravy. G-R-A-V-I. No Y! Y is what I meant to say."Nazz: "Oh dude, you know the rules. Over to you, Ed. Can you spell...gravy?"Ed: "Gravy. G-R-A-V-Y. Gravy. Yum."[Applause greets this statement. Someone throws his hat in the air. Roses are thrown on stage, and Nazz pins a blue ribbon on Ed.]Nazz: "This year's winner of the Peach Creek Spelling Bee is Ed!" [She applauds, and flashbulbs go off.]Eddy: "Sure stinks to lose, huh Kev?" [Kevin hands over a dollar bill.]Kevin: "You'd know, doofus." [to Edd] "Man, have you lost it! I lost a bundle on you, Double Has-Been!"[Kevin leaves. Nazz follows.]Nazz: "Kev? Wait up." [She passes a box trap set for her. Jonny peeks out after she goes by.]Jonny:[bitter] "Wood hater."[Edd stands in the middle of the stage, alone, after everyone leaves.]

[Edd enters his room in his nightclothes, unhappy. He looks at the wall by his bed, where seven ribbons hang. There is a label for the eighth, but nothing sits there; it is with Ed this year.]

[The sun rises on Peach Creek Junior High. A bell rings, and the day begins. Edd opens his locker and finds Ed hiding inside. The weirdness of this is compounded by Ed's scared demeanor.]Ed: "Don't say nothing, Double D."Edd: "Ed, what are you doing?" [Ed peers out of the locker.]Ed: "Oh-oh." [He ducks inside and slams the door.][Edd's locker door creaks open.]Sarah: "There you are!" [She hauls him out and marches him down the hall past Eddy to Jimmy.] "Okay, smarty-pants, Jimmy wants to know if X is Y, how much is P?"Edd:[confused] "Sarah asking Ed for academic assistance?"Eddy:[sensing a business opportunity] "Twenty-five cents or flunk, squirt!"Edd: "Oh, never you mind him. I'll be glad to assist you both free of charge."Sarah: "Yeah right, Mr. I-can't-even-spell-gravy." [She gives Eddy a quarter.]Ed:[reading the problem] "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes, well. 2P or not 2P, that is the question."Sarah: "That's the stupidest thing I've heard."Eddy: "Says you."Sarah: "Gimme my quarter back, you fathead!" [She raises her fist to punch Eddy.]Jimmy: "Sarah Sarah wait, Ed is right! If you take the P out of the equation, the difference is the answer."Eddy:[grabbing Ed] "He's mine! I saw him first!" [He carries Ed away.]Ed: "Tickle tickle tickle!"

[Jonny creeps down the hall with a net. The bell rings, and he hides behind a locker.]Kevin:[following Nazz] "Man, am I glad it's study period, like I got so much homework to do it ain't funny. And I'm like, totally working out."Nazz: "Yeah, I heard you the first four times, Kevin?"[Nazz spins her combination. Inside the locker, Jonny is hiding with Plank.]Eddy: "Step right up, folks, and behold, Ed!" [He pulls out Ed, who is dressed like the stereotypical poindexter.] "That's one D, not two. This egghead al-grande shall dot your T's and cross your I's and get you A's and that's no lie. Just 25¢ per question. Cheap."Edd: "Eddy, this is happenstance at best."Kevin: "What, like we're supposed to listen to you? Burnout." [He kicks Edd away.] "I'm in. I got some homework that needs doing."Rolf:[rushing up] "Hello. Rolf needs assistance, yes?"Nazz: "I could use some help too. Well, maybe a lot."Edd: "Oh dear. Certainly there's something I can do?"

[Edd makes his way to the cafeteria, brown-bag lunch in hand. He pushes on the door, but it refuses to open. He tries again, but is unable to make it open.]Edd: "Locked?" [The kids are in the cafeteria.] "Hello? Anyone?" [He strains against the door.]Ed: "May I aid you? As I am a good speller. See? P-U-L-L." [He holds the door open for Edd.] "Pull."[Ed walks in, and Edd, despondent, follows. He runs into Eddy's pointing finger.]Eddy: "Egghead Ed helped you. Cough up a quarter."Edd: "I reminisce those days when it was my intellect you exploited for your own monetary gain, Eddy. Alas, they're just bittersweet memories now."Eddy: "Yeah, yeah, just let me see the cash, Hamlet."

[It is the end of the school day. Eddy runs outside, clutching his jarful of coins.]Eddy: "I'm rich! Candy store, here I come!"Ed: "Wait for Egghead Ed, Eddy!"[Eddy rounds the corner and skids to a halt. In front of him are five angry kids: Kevin, Rolf, Nazz, Jimmy and Sarah.]Eddy: "What?" [The kids hold up failing papers.]Kevin: "We flunked out!"Nazz: "All F's!"Sarah: "We got ripped off!"Rolf: "We failed everything!"Jimmy: "Woe is me!"Nazz: "Egghead Ed's a fake!"Sarah: "He's just plain stupid!"[Egghead Ed rounds the corner.]Kevin: "Look! There he is!"[Ed turns around and heads back in the direction he came. Eddy follows.]Ed: "Run away!"Rolf: "A lesson must be taught!"[Ed and Eddy run through the fence and back to the school. Ed trips on the steps and lands facedown. The kids gather around and perform a smackdown as Edd watches from inside the school.]Kevin: "Sure stinks to lose, huh dorky?"[He drops Eddy in the school as the kids collect a refund from the jar.]Eddy:[after the kids leave] "HOLD IT! I earned that fair and square! Double D, do something, willya?"Edd:[smug] "Why not ask Egghead Ed?"[Ed sits on a tomato.]Ed: "Breadsticks hurt my gums."[Eddy jumps on Ed's head and then takes off after the kids.]Eddy: "Wait up, everybody! Let's–let's split the cash! Okay?"[Edd puts an arm around Ed's shoulders.]Edd: "Ed, I want you to know, I'm very proud of you and your performance at the spelling bee."[Ed grabs Edd and squeezes him tight. Ed then carries Edd away.]Ed: "Cookies at my house, Double D! With lots of mayonnaise."Edd:[disgusted] "That's not really necessary, Ed."[They pass a hole. After they leave, Nazz's voice wafts up from it.]Nazz: "Hello? Anybody there?"Jonny: "Got you this time." [He peers into the hole.] "Wood hater."Nazz: "Jonny! You scared me."Jonny: "Aw, who could stay mad at you?" [He pulls Nazz out.] "You wanna hold hands?"Nazz: "Ugh! In your dreams!" [She walks away.]Jonny:[following] "What! You hate bald kids too?"