Oh man, remember last week? There was a zombie movie and a Stallone movie and they weren’t the same thing. I have nothing else to say about that. This week is what we in the industry call “a mixed bag” and by bag I obviously mean nutsack. Let’s get to it!

Hollywood is a weird place. I can say this with authority as I’ve been there on two separate occasions and once I spent a lot of time drinking. It’s built on piles of money all devoted to the seemingly arbitrary art of film, to making new Fast and Furious movies, and giving Yoda a solo movie.

Canada has finally done what everyone with a pocketful of pennies looking for a quarter has wanted to do for ages – they’ve abolished the little copper shit. No longer will Canadians be forced to deal with pennies and the tight asses will forever lament how something that should be 8 cents will now be rounded up to a dime. But now that the penny is retired, what can it do? Lots!

Some years ago we ventured to tell you what your tattoo said about you, but times have changed and so have tattoos. Miami Ink, LA Ink, Ink Masters, Tattoo Nightmares and a solid 100 other shows about tattoos have permeated the airwaves. Everyone and their taint bleacher has a tattoo now. Times and perceptions have changed and cliché tattoos are waaaaaay more cliché now. It’s time to take another look at some ink and see what we can see.

January is finally over and with it, all bad movies. Ha ha! No, of course not, every week is bad movies with like three good ones a month. It’s a crap shoot. Which one is worth seeing? It’s hard to tell, especially if you guy by what I write since the whole basis of this is that I have no clue what the hell I’m talking about.

Farting. It’s the single funniest thing a person can do. Don’t Google it, don’t debate, don’t even bother trying to think of something funnier. There’s nothing. But the problem with farting, if there is one, is that it may be too funny. It’s too awesome. So awesome, in fact, that there are hundreds upon hundreds of euphemism for them.

I know what you’re thinking – “Ian, can I undress and feed you chicken wings?” The answer is a resounding yes. And while we do that let me explain something to you – American Idol is, as far as I know, still on TV. I set out this year with a mission, and by that I mean I caught the first episode of American Idol’s new season on a whim and decided I would do episode recaps for you.

Listen, I’m no expert on life, love and how things work, but I’m probably more qualified to make decisions about those things than a large percentage of the world. I base this belief on my powers of observation and the fact I’ve witnessed so many idiots in life I’m pretty confident I’m kind of amazing. By virtue of the fact you’re literate and reading this, you’re probably ahead of the game, too.

Playing cards have existed since the Tang Dynasty in China, Tang being the most awesome and party-filled Dynasty of them all. Since that time they’ve evolved into one of the most timeless, reliable and fun ways to pass the time.

Ok, so the official story here is that military Blackhawk helicopters, police vehicles and boats are all doing a training operation in downtown Miami. So the Military is training with local police, blocking off major highways and firing blanks at the highway in the middle of the night. But it's just training. They are not trolling conspiracy theorists in any way.