There was a lot of talk this week about passwords being stolen and proper steps to be taken to secure your various accounts, so if you learn one thing from this Weekly Tech Views… well, it’s that you shouldn’t expect to learn things from the Weekly Tech Views.

For the week of June 6 – 10, 2016…

So, 2016 Minus 18…
Dating app Tinder is discontinuing service for anyone under the age of 18. “Gee, that’s unfortunate,” said all affected teenagers as they deleted the app and grabbed a copy of The Grapes of Wrath to brush up on their Steinbeck for next fall’s English class instead of creating new accounts and claiming to be 18.

Bio: Love Kickball, Paste; Hate Naps
Tinder is not completely ignoring younger users, however, as evidenced by the introduction of Kinder, their playdating app for kindergarteners, which encourages users to swipe right for “nice” and left for “poopyhead.”

The GPS-Files
The Federal Aviation Administration has warned pilots that planes could be affected by “GPS Interference Testing” taking place at the Naval Air Weapons Center in the Mojave Desert. But are these GPS disturbances really being initiated by the government? Or are they covering up something they’d rather we didn’t know? Read the transcript of this radio message, intercepted immediately after the FAA’s warning, and decide for yourself:

“Sure, by all means, stay away if you can’t fly without GPS. Just because pilots used to do it doesn’t mean you should be ashamed by your inferiority. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being a coward. But if you do have the guts to try it, we salute you ‘We’ being just some interested onlookers from your own planet that you don’t need to worry about. And rest assured, should you experience some temporary memory loss and/or a lingering tenderness in certain sensitive, probe-able areas, that’s completely normal. That is all. Bleep blorp. Damn it–I mean ‘thank you.'”

Security Isn’t Everything
While a number of TeamViewer users had their accounts compromised recently, the company insists there was no hack and the fault lies with users’ poor password choices, where either weak passwords were used or the same password was utilized across multiple sites. I have no reason to doubt the fine folks at TeamViewer–I suspect their explanation is accurate, but I’d like to request that if my wife asks, of course they were hacked, the fault is completely theirs, and furthermore, AwesomeMike1 is an iron-clad safe password that can be used at as many sites as desired.

But seriously, you do want to follow safe password practices. If you need guidance, just follow the lead of trusted tech icons who really know what they’re doing, like…

“It’s Not Like They Were Real Sites, Like Facebook”
Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook, had not one, but two accounts hacked. His Twitter and Pinterest accounts were apparently compromised because he used the same password in LinkedIn, which was hacked in 2012. He’s been given a hard time for using the less-than-complex password dadada, but Zuckerberg defended himself by saying, “Look, it was tougher to guess than my first choice, Stinklevoss.”

Twitter Passwords Are The New Hamlet
Mr. Zuckerberg is not alone, as a Russian hacker claiming to have a list of 32 million Twitter usernames and passwords has put the list up for sale. While the validity of the information has been questioned, Twitter has confirmed that some are, indeed, authentic. “They are? Cool!” said the infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards.

But Once They Got To Know Me, It Was Fifty Bucks
T-Mobile is going to give primary account holders on post-paid accounts one share of T-Mobile stock. Not just a symbolic gesture, the share can be immediately sold for it’s approximate forty dollar value. They also announced the T-Mobile Tuesday app, which customers can use to get freebies like Domino’s pizza and tickets to the new Warcraft movie. This news fills me with nostalgia, taking me right back to my college days, when a pizza, a movie, and forty bucks is the exact same reward program I offered to get a date.*

You Can Have My Phone When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead Wrist Or Reasonable Facsimile
Lenovo displayed a prototype of a phone that can bend around your wrist. “Wait, I never have to put my phone away?” said way too many people, shuddering with pleasure. Reporters were quick to ask the question on most people’s minds: “What if I have a really thin wrist? Like, I don’t know, say, steering wheel-thin? Would the phone attach securely enough to be texting on it at sixty-five miles an hour?

You Can’t Spell Demolish Without Demo
The HTC Vive VR headset is back in stock, and will be available for demo in retail locations like the Microsoft Store, Micro Center, and GameStop. Trying it out in-store is a great idea, especially as the Vive is supposed to require a significant about of available space to provide a satisfactory experience. But if I can use one in my local GameStop without falling into a bin of $4 Wii Animal Crossing: City Folk games or impaling myself on the rack of pre-owned Mad Catz controllers a foot-and-a-half to the left, then I’m not going to have to listen to how I’m crazy for insisting that our 10×12-foot bedroom will work just fine–futon, dresser, end table, two bookcases, beanbag chair, and litter box be damned.

Or Save Three Of Them For A Mummy Costume At Halloween
Google has a new service for Android called Nearby that suggests apps and websites based on your height and political affiliation. Ha! No, but wouldn’t that mess with people? Instead, suggestions are–yawn–based on your location, or what you are “nearby.” CVS drugstores are making use of the service, presumably by notifying you of an origami web site full of ideas for the four-foot long receipt you got for buying that energy drink.

You Guys Again?
Lexus owners have been complaining that their information systems spontaneously reboot, display blank screens, and flash purple. Lexus owners received a recorded message explaining that “the issue was likely related to satellite communications, and that a fix is available at their nearest dealer. In the meantime, there is no danger in continuing to drive your vehicle, and should you experience some temporary memory loss and/or a lingering tenderness in certain sensitive, probe-able areas of your body, don’t worry, that’s completely normal. That is all. Thank blorp. Aaaaagh! Why can’t I ever get that?!”

* Fine, sometimes I had to throw in a ten-page research paper on “the use of allegory in the Canterbury Tales” for English Lit 301. But that meant guaranteed hand-holding on the date. In public. Score.

New movie for Tom and Jennie this week in the Summer Movie Draft. Follow their progress here in the CRUMDUM.