Jokes

For a good cause

Rick Bernstein walks into a bakery and orders a bagel. The man behind the counter says, “A bagel? That’s $20.”

“Twenty dollars?! Are you mad?!”

“Well, it’s $1 for the bagel, and $19 for Israel.”

“Uh, OK. Money for Israel? How can I say no to that?”

So the next day Rick goes back to the same bakery and orders a challah.

The man behind the counter says: “Challah? That’s $40.”

“Are you insane?!”

“Sir, it’s $5 for the challah and $35 for Israel.”

The man shrugs his shoulders, but he pays the money.

The third day, Rick comes in again and this time orders a cheesecake.

“Cheesecake, $70 please.”

“What?! This is absolutely crazy!”

“Sir, $10 for the cheesecake and $60 for Israel.”

At this point, Rick has had enough. “You are completely mad! This is absolutely absurd and unethical.”

“Sorry sir,” says the man behind the counter. “I am just following the rules.”

At which Rick says, “I demand to speak to the owner of the store.”

So the clerk walks over to the door that leads to the back of the store and calls out, “Hey Israel — someone wants to talk to you!”

Jewish country songs

“Honky-Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights”

“I Was One of the Chosen People (’Til She Chose Somebody Else)”

“Stand by Your Mensch”

“Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes”

“You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Shlemiel”

“Three Thousand Years of Sufferin’ and I Had to Go and Marry You”

“The Second Time She Said ‘Shalom’ I Knew She Meant ‘Goodbye’ ”

“You’re the Lox my Bagel’s Been Missin’ ”

“I’ve Got My Foot on the Glass, Now Where the Heck Are You?”

“Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys (When they could very easily have just taken over the family hardware business that my grandfather broke his back to start and my father sweated over for 50 years which apparently doesn’t mean anything to you now that you’re turning your back on such a gift)”