Make war not peace! Make slander not encouragement! In this great discernmentalist war masterpiece we find some invaluable lessons on why we ust wage war against the ungodly and those who don’t have the purist doctrines or whose culture is not like ours (ie the ONLY true biblical culture is here in North America). We will find our hero suspect of all Christians who seek to be peace-makers, and who dare to be reconciled with others (like in the movie). People like this make me sick – and our hero too! Gossip is used to disarm these unholy opponents (Orthodox, Roman Catholics, liberals, emergents, moderates) whereby they are slandered and attacked – just like they should be! Using the best of the online discernment ministry techniques we see our hero bring down many enemies!

Again, you will learn to be that much more angry after you view this fantastic masterpiece!

H) Ecumenical (which we know is anything but biblical even if Jesus is central)

I) For social justice

Each week Wiggum will take down the apostates and allow voters to decide who is in…and who is out! Guilt by association, slander….whatever it takes to keep the right people in and the evil heretics out. Remember, Revenge NOT Reconciliation!!!

Pre-requisites for this course: one must have completed the following courses—our course on Absolute Truth and our course on Discernmentalist Church History 101or candidates for this course must at least have a sufficient and satisfactory grasp on Discernmentalese: the official jargon that we use around here. Your Discernmentalese must be approved by your official instructors: the esteemed Dr. Truthslayer, the wise Dr. Arthur McJohn, the illustrious Dr. I. Todyaso and yours truly the pithy Dr. Don Jobson. Candidates for this course must have also completed part 1 of our course on Bible Literalism.

Your official instruction: We must think only in binary terms. Everything is black and white, either this or that—there are no in-betweens. Brainiac our field agent for Todd Friel (Wretched) says:

The literal sense is the only honest way to read. Honestly, the literal sense is literally the only honest way to read. If you care what the author said, read literally. If you do not care what the author said, do not bother reading.

We agree as metaphors do not exist in the Discernmentalist Worldview. Everything literally means what it says as long as it doesn’t clash with our Pure Doctrines and even if it does we’ll find some way to spin it literally such as: “Οὕτως γὰρ ἠγάπησεν ὁ Θεὸς τὸν κόσμον, ὥστε τὸν Υἱὸν τὸν μονογενῆ ἔδωκεν, ἵνα πᾶς ὁ πιστεύων εἰς Αὐτὸν μὴ ἀπόληται ἀλλ᾽ ἔχῃ ζωὴν αἰώνιον” doesn’t literally mean “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life”—but literally means that God literally loves and literally only died for the Elect and the Elect only literally.

Neo-orthodoxy’s attitude toward Scripture is a microcosm of the entire existentialist philosophy: the Bible itself is not objectively the Word of God, but it becomes the Word of God when it speaks to me individually. In neo-orthodoxy, that same subjectivism is imposed on all the doctrines of historic Christianity. Familiar terms are used, but are redefined or employed in a way that is purposely vague—not to convey objective meaning, but to communicate a subjective symbolism. After all, any “truth” theological terms convey is unique to the person who exercises faith. What the Bible means becomes unimportant. What it means to me is the relevant issue. All of this resoundingly echoes Kierkegaard’s concept of “truth that is true for me.”

Thus while neo-orthodox theologians often sound as if they are affirming traditional beliefs, their actual system differs radically from the historic understanding of the Christian faith. By denying the objectivity of truth, they relegate all theology to the realm of subjective relativism. It is a theology perfectly suited for the age in which we live.

And that is precisely why it is so deadly.

This is why we must always interpret the Bible literally except for when it literally disagrees with our Pure Doctrines so take heart fellow Discernmentalists and remember these wise and literal words of Brainiac:

Be a literalist. Read the Bible literally. If anyone objects, ask him if you should consider his objection literally. Or, you can explain that the Bible is literature, and that there is no other way to read it but literally.

We give an open challenge to all emerging heretics! If you can prove us wrong we will give you $1 Million*. Yes, you read that right. Prove that we are wrong on ANYTHING and unlike the OTHER discernmentalists, we will stand behind our word and take you up on your challenge. So, now, do you feel lucky kid?

The music weeps, the preacher pleads, “Give your heart to Jesus. You have a God shaped hole in your heart and only Jesus can fill it.” Dozens, hundreds or thousands of people who want to get their spiritual life on track make their way to the altar. They ask Jesus into their heart.
Cut to three months later. Nobody has seen our new convert in church. The follow up committee calls him and encourages him to attend a Bible study, but to no avail. We label him a backslider and get ready for the next outreach event.

Our beloved child lies in her snuggly warm bed and says, “Yes, Daddy. I want to ask Jesus into my heart.” You lead her in “the prayer” and hope that it sticks. You spend the next ten years questioning if she really, really meant it. Puberty hits and the answer reveals itself. She backslides. We spend the next ten years praying that she will come to her senses.

Telling someone to ask Jesus into their hearts has a very typical result, backsliding. the Bible says that a person who is soundly saved puts his hand to the plow and does not look back because he is fit for service. In other words, a true convert cannot backslide. If a person backslides, he never slid forward in the first place. “If any man is in Christ, he is a new creation.” (II Cor.5) No backsliding there.

Brace yourself for this one: with very few if any exceptions, anyone who asked Jesus into their hearts to be saved…is not. If you asked Jesus into your heart because you were told that is what you have to do to become a Christian, you were mis-informed.

If you have ever told someone to ask Jesus into their heart (like I have), you produced a false convert.

1. Since Asking Jesus into your heart is unbiblical, the only way to maintain Biblical integrity if one has asked Jesus into their hearts is now to unask Him from them.

There is not a single verse that even hints we should say a prayer inviting Jesus into our hearts. The Bible does not instruct us to ask Jesus into our heart. However there are thousands of verses which support The Ways Of The Master’s way of doing Evangelism. We Know that Jesus went through the Ten Commandments with everyone who He spoke with and only gave the grace of John MacArthur’s Gospel to those who agreed with Him.

This is why one must unask Jesus from their heart and welcome in The Gospel according to John MacArthur in order to Truly be Biblical and as you know the Bible not Jesus is the point of Christianity. This alone should resolve the issue, nevertheless, here are nine more reasons.

2. Asking Jesus into your heart is a saying that makes no sense but believing that God chose to destroy 99% of humanity before even creating the universe makes Absolutely Perfect sense especially in light of verses that describe His interactions with all of humanity throughout the biblical narrative.

This is another reason to unask Jesus from your heart. What does it mean to ask Jesus into your heart? If I say the right incantation will He somehow enter my heart? Is it literal? Does He reside in the upper or lower ventricle? Is this a metaphysical experience? Is it figurative? If it is, what exactly does it mean? While I am certain that most adults cannot articulate its meaning, I am certain that no child can explain it. Pastor Dennis Rokser reminds us that little children think literally and can easily be confused (or frightened) at the prospect of asking Jesus into their heart.

Asking Jesus into your heart leaves out the requirement of repentance so does our Pure Doctrines of Dortian Grace but unless ye believe in our Pure Doctrines of Dortian Grace ye shall not be regenerated. Asking Jesus into your heart may cause you to actually be changed God forbid that happens as that may lead to repentance and forgiving others which is a Socialistic teaching so therefore you must unask Jesus from your heart so that you can repent without actually changing your ways.

4. In order to be saved, a man must trust in Jesus Christ (Acts 16:31) + believe in John MacArthur’s Pure Teachings + agree with our Pure Doctrines.

Asking Jesus into your heart leaves out the requirement of faith. Faith of course equals primarily believing in John MacArthur’s Pure Teachings and agreeing with our Pure Doctrines. Trusting in Jesus is only secondary as first God must regenerate you through our Pure Doctrines in order to give you the gift of Calvin’s faith so that you may Truly trust in Jesus by your Calvinolatry. Unask Jesus from your heart now so that you may welcome Calvin inside the Final Arbiter of all Christian Truth.

5. The person who wrongly believes they are saved will have a false sense of security.

Millions of people who sincerely, but wrongly, asked Jesus into their hearts think they are saved but struggle to feel secure. They live in doubt and fear because they do not have our Pure Doctrines to give them assurance of their salvation for of course Jesus assures no one of salvation only belief in our Doctrines will assure you. Unasking Jesus from your heart will ensure you the full assurance of the regenerational powers of our Pure Doctrines.

6. The person who asks Jesus into his heart will likely end up inoculated, bitter and backslidden.

Because he did not get saved by reciting a formulaic prayer, he will grow disillusioned with Jesus, the Bible, church and fellow believers. His latter end will be worse than the first. None of our own ever backslide as we are incapable of ever backsliding therefore quickly unasking Jesus from your heart and reciting the formulaic Dortian Doctrines of Grace will get you regenerated unto faith and therefore saved as Dr. R. L. Hymers, Jr. says:

the mere assent to, and belief in, the doctrines of Calvinism (are the True) form of (Godly) “decisionism,” … The man who makes a “decision” to believe the doctrines is (to be) proclaimed saved! If he can explain the Calvinistic “doctrines of grace” he is (to be) accepted into the church with no questions asked about his own experience of conversion. Thus, (if) thousands learn to explain the meaning of TULIP, and are (able), upon the ability to explain these doctrines, (they should be) pronounced (Truly) converted and (therefore) taken into (our) churches (nevermind if they are closet Arminian Papists or athiests or not if they understand TULIP they are Truly Elect).

7. Asking Jesus into your heart presents God as a beggar just hoping you will let Him into your busy life.

This presentation of God robs Him of His sovereignty as God has more important things to do rather than to spend time with you and deal with your already predetermined life. Unasking Jesus from your heart will give God the Absolute Glory to do more important things like throw planes at buildings in order to send as many people to hell as He can and to send tornados and other natural disasters to punish apostates all out of His good pleasure of course. However, our Ways Of The Master’s techniques of doing Evangelism by fear-mongering through the Ten Commandments in order to coerce people into belief doesn’t rob God of His sovereignty.

8. The cause of Christ is ridiculed because of people who ask Jesus into their heart.

Visit an atheist web-site and read the pagans who scoff, “How dare those Christians tell us how to live when they get divorced more than we do? Who are they to say homosexuals shouldn’t adopt kids when tens of thousands of orphans don’t get adopted by Christians?” Born again believers adopt kids and don’t get divorced.

People who ask Jesus into their hearts do. Jesus gets mocked when false converts give Him a bad name. However our Pure Doctrines of Once Saved Always Saved never mock the cause of Christ as Luther says: “No sin can separate us from Him, even if we were to kill or commit adultery thousands of times each day,” for if you are Truly Elect you are ”Once Saved Always Saved” irregardless of whether you repent or not. This is why John Calvin (murderer) and Charles Spurgeon (glutton) are in Heaven even if they never Truly repented of their sins nor changed their sinful lifestyles. This is why we also accept people like Phil Johnson (glutton), John MacArthur (slanderer), Todd Friel (false accuser of the Brethren) and Charles Stanley (adulterer) as Truly Elect even if they go without Truly repenting of their sins or changing their sinful lifestyles. Repentance then is only Truly required for unregenerate reprobates like homosexuals, liberals, Papists, Emergents and Arminians. Homosexuals must especially repent and change their sinful alternative and deviant lifestyles as homosexuality is unnatural and an abomination to our Holy Wrathful God.

9. The cause of evangelism is hindered by asking Jesus into your heart.

While it is certainly easier to get church members by telling them to ask Jesus into their hearts, try pleading with someone to make today the day of their salvation. Get ready for a painful response. “Why should I become a Christian when I have seen so called Christians act worse than a pagan?” People who ask Jesus into their hearts give pagans an excuse for not repenting while our glorious doctrines of Once Saved Always Saved don’t (see point # 8) . Unasking Jesus from your heart gives you a free license to repent without actually changing your ways because God forbid one actually try to live like Christ.

10. Here is the scary one. People who do not unask Jesus from their hearts are not saved and they will perish on the Day of Judgment.

How tragic that millions of people think they are right with God when they are not. How many people who will cry out, “Lord, Lord” on judgment day will be “Christians” who asked Jesus into their hearts?

So, what must one do to be saved? Repent and trust. (Heb.6:1) The Bible makes it clear that all men must repent and place their trust in Jesus Christ. Every man does have a “God shaped hole in their hearts,” but that hole is not contentment, fulfillment and peace. Every man’s heart problem is righteousness. Instead of preaching that Jesus fulfills, we must preach that God judges and Jesus satisfies God’s judgment…if a man will repent of asking Jesus into their heart and place his trust in Him and believe in John MacArthur’s Pure Teachings plus agree with our Pure Doctrines.

If you are reading this and you asked Jesus into your heart, chances are good you had a spiritual buzz for a while, but now you struggle to read your Bible, tithe, attend church and pray. Perhaps you were told you would have contentment, purpose and a better life if you just ask Jesus into your heart. I am sorry, that was a lie. Now is the time of your salvation quickly unask Jesus from your heart and recite the formulaic Dortian Doctrines of Grace and that will get you regenerated unto electing faith and therefore make you Truly Saved.

Premillennialism as being the only consistent position for any person who holds to the doctrine of sovereign electing grace. He even went so far as to say that the Amillennial position is more consistent with Arminianism than it is with Calvinism.

P. S. If you doubt our words we have something extra for you just in case to make sure our warnings sink in:

Item #3

Worldview Matters with Brannon Howse
You Doubt Item #2? Then listen to this best of flashback from July 2009? Brannon’s guest is John McTeran who wrote the book, As America Has Done to Israel. John details the direct connection between the alarming number of massive disasters striking America after her leaders pressuring Israel to surrender her land for”peace”. Costing hundreds of lives and causing hundreds of billions of dollars’ worth of damage, dozens of disasters, including devastating earthquakes, raging fires, hurricanes, floods, tsunamis, and tornadoes, have hit America-and always within twenty-four hours of putting pressure on Israel. John also shows the connection between America turning on Israel and our current financial crisis.

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Dude! This is a satire site!

Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.