At
the heart of it, a man wants to touch the truth -- that you love him --
that he's "the one" for you. He wants to feel that he inspires
happiness in you and that you accept, trust, and appreciate him. At his
depth a man needs to know that he makes a positive difference in your
life, otherwise he doesn’t even want to live.

A man’s deepest fear is that he is
not good enough. If he looks in your eyes and sees love, he feels loved,
and in that innocence, he loves you in return. He loves you for the
feeling of energy which your appreciation and love evoke in him.

For a woman to maintain this state
is next to impossible! Especially given the ways they disappoint us!

But this is the consciousness of a
graceful woman. Yogi Bhajan says that when a woman fills herself with a
forgiving, loving consciousness, everything on the earth will come to her,
because her grace as a woman is so radiant.

Many men
had mothers who didn’t come through for them. For example, many Mothers
had a difficult time letting go of their sons. The boys have to pull away in order to define themselves. Even
when grown, men seem to still need to withdraw to find solutions and identity.
Fortunately, unlike his mother, you can let him go. You’ll be very
surprised that when he comes back he’ll be feeling a lot of love and
appreciation for you. If you can greet that love with affection, life
will be very enjoyable.

But most women are angry that he withdrew and so the fight continues.

Where a woman feels love for those
who emotionally and physically support her,

a man feels love in response
to a woman's gracious, and loving reactions to him.

The song writer , Eric Clapton once
wrote -- "And then she asked me, 'do you feel

alright?' I said 'My
darling, I feel wonderful tonight-- I feel wonderful because I see

the
love light in your eyes...and my darling, you were wonderful
tonight...'"

John Gray,
author of Men are From Mars,
has expressed a man's needs extremely well:

“Every time a woman
appreciates what a man
has done for her, he feels loved..." (197)

“To keep the score even in
a relationship,

a man really doesnt
require anything but love."

Women don’t realize the power of their loveand
many times unnecessarilyseek
to earn a man’s love by doing more things for him than they want to do.”
(198). If a man doesn't feel

appreciated, then
all her contributions to the running of the house are totally meaningless to him. “A major source of love for a man
is the loving reaction that a woman has to his behavior.” (198)

As most women also know, sex is one of the biggest
and best rewards for a man. True proof that you love him.

When he is Vulnerable

Sometimes men are very vulnerable in ways that are familiar to women.
You can tell because they come to you to talk. They ask you what you
think of a situation.
Once they finish speaking,
they are ready to hear your advice, and it is the ultimate sign of trust
and love from a man.

When
men help you, men are very vulnerable. Were they competent at making you
happy? They are not sure, but you can let them know. They need a lot of
appreciation and your expression of happiness will evoke more helping
behaviors.

When a man makes a mistake, or when he feels less than competent, he is
very vulnerable and he can actually get mad at you! John Gray explains
that if a man feels ashamed or sorry, “then he needs more love"
therefore he gives more points if she responds by being supportive. The
bigger the mistake, the more points he gives her for her love. If he
doesn’t receive her love he tends to give her penalty points according
to how much he needed her love.”(203) and these penalty points show up
in his anger and withdrawal.

When he is angry

Men’s anger is very confusing to women. Men have testosterone coursing through
their bodies and sometimes the flow is very strong. You may be the
victim of “penalty points” for your not loving him when he was
vulnerable, or you may have done nothing at all, but there he is,
yelling and screaming.

Some
men get angry too much. For them, the problems can be physically
based (undetected blood sugar problems, chemical imbalances).
Medical help
may be necessary in some cases.

For
most of us, the truth is, we could all do better managing our anger. You
probably both get angry and hurt each other, though perhaps in different
ways.

John Gray advices this:

“When a man is in a negative state, if she can treat him like a passing
tornado and lie low, after the tornado has passed he will give her an
abundance of bonus points for not making him wrong or for not trying to
change him. If she tries to stop it, it will create havoc, and he will
blame her for interfering.”
(203).

Gray goes on to to say, "[On Venus], when someone is upset everyone gets
involves with one another and tries to understand what is bothering her
by asking a lot of questions. When a tornado passes on Mars, everyone finds a ditch and
lies low.” (204)

Steve, for all the professional world to see, was a mild mannered,
likeableprofessor.
He was tall, and angular – just what Michelle was looking for: a solid,
stable man. But after being married for awhile, Steve had a hard day at
work. He blew up at Michelle for bringing up a problem with the
plumbing. “I can't even come home to find any peace!” he yelled as he
stormed off to his study. She was quite taken back, but she understood
men and knew she it was best to leave him alone, let him work it out and
talk later.

After about an hour, he came to find her. He told her about his hard day
at work and gingerly asked about the plumbing. She firmly, but lovingly,
asked him not to yell at her again. He nodded his head and hugged her.
Although he wouldn’t say it, he knew he was wrong and he
was sorry.
He felt her forgiveness and he loved her very much.

Men rarely say they are sorry because they are afraid that they won’t be
forgiven
When they are wrong, they are terrified of their own incompetence. A man
will love you very much if you forgive him his flaws and love him
anyway.

Maybe it was those dominant Mothers – or maybe its true that its harder for a
boy to define himself, so he has to withdraw. As a man they still need
to withdraw for many reasons --

to think through a problem, to consolidate themselves when they
have been too intimate, or to work through their anger.

A woman can
understand that she can best nurture a man, not with questions and
sharing her concern (as she might with a woman), but rather by
maintaining her own contentment and simply letting him go. Sometimes
they need to cope with their problems bythemselves, without interference in the form of questions or
worry. A man will feel loved and appreciate you a great deal if you can
graciously allow him to have his space.

A Man really doesn't need
anything but your love

For a man to feel loved, he
doesn't need anything except your love. Love means you
authentically appreciate, trust, and forgive him
his mistakes. When a man recognizes that you love him, your love lights
his heart, and for him, you are an angel.

A Man really doesn't need
anything but your love

"

In the name of God we marry just to assure one thing:

God has witnessed I am for you and you are for me."
Yogi Bhajan
(1986, 133)

This is a two part series designed to help you understand your partner
in new ways. In Part I we look at some of the psychological
underpinnings of relationships. In Part II, we try to understand how
men and women are different and, based on those differences, how each
feels loved.

For more information about a wonderful varieties of therapies please
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