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Faith

The universe spoke to me this weekend in a way that restored my faith in a force greater than myself.

I was going to fill you in on my back story, to tell you how and why I lost faith in something greater than myself, but as I started to type I realized that it doesn’t matter if it was a single act or a combination of things over the years. The fact of the matter is that I lost faith a very long time ago. I decided to put my future in my own hands, that way I would have no one to blame but myself if things went wrong.

I have also found that holding myself accountable for my rights and wrongs has lead me down what I can comfortably, morally navigate. I can look myself in the mirror and I can sleep at night (minus the insomnia). In other words, I have a good moral compass and it’s not because I have feared the consequences of an afterlife.

But this weekend things lined up in such an undeniable way that I knew that I was lead by divine guidance to be exactly where I was in that moment. It brought tears to my eyes and still does. It was something I couldn’t explain as coincidence because there WERE no coincidences.

I knew without an ounce of doubt that my faith had been restored. It humbles me. It terrifies me. I want to be in control. I want to think that my carefully constructed life is because I willed it so. I know now this is not so.

I’m not calling it God or Buddha or Allah or any other deity…what I am saying is that this life is MINE and I am here, right now to learn THIS lesson. And although I am not 100 percent clear on the actual lesson…my eyes, ears and heart are wide open for the message. I feel now a stronger pull than ever to listen to my intuition because it has never steered me wrong.

I am feeling everything all at once and the pain that’s been in my heart I am freely admitting. The empty ache that sits like a stack of old books on my chest demands to be read. I have so many stories left to tell, many that I have omitted simply because that path is dark, the darkest yet, but for all of my darkness and all of my crazy I feel worthy. I feel like hope. I feel hope.