Wednesday, 11 November 2009

The much-anticipated video game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 was released globally yesterday, much to the delight of parents and authority figures across the world.

The new first-person shooter, published by Activision, gives players the chance to control the character of an elite commando and engage in a series of undercover military missions. The realism with which the violence and gore is depicted is as intense as has come to be expected of the genre, and like the previous games in the series, the game has received considerable praise from parents' and teachers' organisations, law enforcement agencies, politicians, and children's advocacy groups, as a safe and effective way of restraining the murderous urges of every adolescent on the planet.

"Games like Modern Warfare 2 allow young people to indulge in all the sick, homicidal fantasies that we all know plague their every waking thought," said Bilbert Omphalomph, spokesman for activist group Concerned Citizens For Violent Video Games, in a statement yesterday. "This plays a vital role in mollifying the today's youth, and making teenagers far less likely to be tempted to turn their explosive criminal rage on the rest of us."

Science has repeatedly shown that all young people, especially those who might play violent video games that are intended for more adult players and given an 18 certificate, are barely controlled and tightly wound balls of fury, simmering just below boiling point, constantly on the verge of being pushed over the edge and slaughtering dozens of their classmates. Even in children who have never shown any signs of aggression and in whom no conscious or unconscious thoughts or urges of bloody murder can be detected, a scientist has done some science and found that it's always true, about all of them.

The arrival of a new peaceful outlet by which gamers can inflict brutal head injuries on mere simulations of innocent citizens comes as a great relief to many. After popular non-violent platformer Fluffy the Kitten's Adventure World of Cake and Hugs was released last month, the rate of neck-stabbing incidents in US schools spiked by 3000%.