Please Mr Producshunz, I has been looking at teh wellyvision adverts and it appears that if you buy an electronic pelican machine then there are two wimmins for every mans who will use it so by buying one I can get off with many cycling wimmins. Is this true?

I can't be the only person who relies on P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM®'s shitvert-free coverage who had no idea what an "electronic pelican machine" was, and - after consluting the googlewebs for enlightenment - was extremely disappointed.

(Obviously I have no need for electronic enhancement when getting off with cycling wimmins, but the prospect of a machine for producing electronic pelicans - or perhaps electronically producing pelicans - was intriguing. An internet-of-shit pedally clotheshorse, not so much.)

The official Tour de France app for Babbage engines from the famous fruitian vendor is crap. Ok, so the information is quite nicely laid out, but the updates are slow and it crashes every second time you open it up. It is free to use, which is just as well, because, as I say, it’s crap.

I had the coolest ride evah today! After watching the race go by I hopped on my bike and followed the race route for a few miles to much applause and cheers “Allez, Allez”! I have had cheers etc while riding the route before the race gets there but nothing like this.