Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1342

Love, LustLOVE: When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST: When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE: When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.
LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE: When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.
LOVE: When your only concern is your partner's feelings.
LUST: When your only concern is finding a room with mirrors everywhere.
MARRIAGE: When your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST: When the songs on the radio determine how you should do it.
MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE: When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST: When you're only interested in doing things your partner.
MARRIAGE: When you're only interested in your golf score.
LOVE: You only leave the house to buy coffee and donuts.
LUST: You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE: You only leave the house when you're allowed. Dan V.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1343

Sharing A Room
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." Ian G.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1344

Red Ring
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem."
The doctor examines the man and sees that the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.
"It's all cleared up!" the man reports when he returns. "But what was that medication you gave me?"
"Lipstick remover." Noel T.

Thursday

Joke
N°
1345

In Need Of Guidance
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, so he went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through university, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me that he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..." Corey B.

Friday

Joke
N°
1346

Why Most Professions Are Dirty
The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because she says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The interior decorator because (s)he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
The banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The mailman because he always delivers his package.
The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots. Ron B.

Professional Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party, but their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. Darius C.