Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Shopping in my own closet

Here's what shopping has always been like for me, as a plus-size person: There are a few stores where I know I can find reasonably nice stuff in my size. Most of them also carry regular sizes. I rush by the regular sizes because I know that I will only be sad about the pretty things there that I won't fit into. I duck into the plus-size section, and browse a selection of clothes that are usually two out the following three things: cute, my size, affordable.

Here is a vice that I always had as a fat person: thinking that the real weight loss was just around the corner. Convincing myself that it's OK to buy something that doesn't fit now, because of course it will fit soon. Convincing myself that it's OK to keep something that hasn't fit since high school (while I was also plus size in high school, I gained weight afterward, and also my body was very differently proportioned then), thinking that once I lose weight, that stuff will fit again.

Here is something that happens as you get older, start to accept that you will, at the very least, always be on the larger side, start to make your peace with that, and yet still continuously work toward losing weight: you get pretty good at not buying things that don't fit right now. You purge your closet of lots of things that are too small, because you know fitting into them is a pipe dream. But there are a few things you can't bear to get rid of. Some you bought for yourself, knowing they were too small. Others were gifts from people who either underestimated your size or didn't want to be impolite. Still others date back to before you had breasts. But you love them all, and dream of someday being able to wear them again. You end up with a "too-small" drawer, at least one. You never look in it, but you always know it's there.

Here is something wholly unexpected that happens, years later, as an unplanned side effect of all this: You have weight loss surgery. You lose more than 80 pounds. Your husband quits his job to start his own company, so money becomes very tight and you both resolve to avoid all unnecessary spending. But summer rolls around, and your summer wardrobe is now 80 pounds too big. You start thinking that some new warm-weather clothes are going to qualify as a very necessary expenditure. Then you remember the too-small drawer.

And opening the too-small drawer is like reversing years of unhappy shopping experiences. Suddenly, the bottom drawer of your dresser has become the holy grail of shopping, the very thing you were missing for all those years. It's your own personal store, full of clothes that you like, that fit, and that are free. And it turns out that a lot of them are adorable summer dresses and skirts.

It doesn't exactly make up for all those traumatic moments at the mall over the years, but boy does it go a long way to help.

I just did this with my closet too. After losing 20 lbs, the things that were fitting before weren't fitting now. I've never been really heavy in my life, but even when I was at my thinnest I bought things that were too small thinking I'd be able to fit into them. My mindset has changed, and it sounds like yours has too :)

The dress looks amazing on you and I love your long hair! That's the longest I've ever seen it since I've been reading your blog!

Hahaha. I totally have one of those drawers too. But I try to limit it to just one. There is something incredible about finally reversing the cycle and getting to take something OUT of the drawer. The only thing is, this tends to make me more likely to hoard clothes!

But yes, I have a "too small" drawer too, and I can't wait to fit into them. There's a denim skirt I want to wear this winter because next summer I'll be too small (knock on wood), and there's a dress I've had since I was 15 that I just couldn't get rid of, it's too pretty. Hopefully I'll be wearing it again someday!

So fun! I decided years ago that things that are a size too small aren't worth holding onto because by the time I fit into them, they'll be out of style and I'll reward myself with something new. But it's getting rid of the bigger sizes that I struggle with...I'm a mess :)

You look fabulous in that dress! Can you teach me to have posture like that? I do the same thing--even as a person most people would describe as thin--and have jeans and stuff I haven't been able to fit into since jaw surgery two years ago. I just have such a hard time getting rid of things that are so cute and still perfectly good.

AWESOME! That's FULL of win. Love that dress on you too - super cute! I have a shelf like that in my closet - it's full of the jeans that I haven't been able to wear since shortly after getting married (and DEFINITELY not since the baby). I just can't get rid of them... you've given me hope that maybe one day they'll see some use again.

Living for so many years in small-ish apartments/townhouses, I LEARNED to purge! It's somewhat freeing! But, I do keep a few things here and there "just in case." I have a gorgeous suit that I haven't been willing to let go--even though neither the skirt nor the pants fit over my butt quite right.... It's too pretty to let go! And I even have a few suits from 10-15 years ago that aren't quite in style and just do not look "tailored" enough to wear. But I don't let go of them since I'm still job-hunting--and suits are expensive, darnit!

this is how i feel when i go to clothing exchanges. or particularly, my one friend who is exactly the same height as me, has an enormous wardrobe, and had a kid last year so is coming to terms with her new body and keeps handing me piles of awesome new-to-me clothes :-)

You look great in that dress! And I loved this post. My entire wardrobe is too small at the moment. I had to borrow shirts from my sister-in-law and purchase some new pants. But I'm hoping that soon I will be able to wear at least some of the things I had before I had a baby. ps. I just went back and caught up on all I've missed since February. I'm glad to see things are still going well for you. I have missed reading your blog, and was wondering how you were doing. I'm glad to be back.

Sadly, I don't have a drawer like that. I'm so freakish about not keeping stuff that I don't need or can't use, all the too-small but super cute stuff I bought went to the Goodwill or my little sister.

Also, my purchases tend to be less "cute but too small" and more "what the hell was she thinking!?"Such as the spandex, zebra-print top I bought that had BEADED FRINGE along the bottom. I wore it in the dressing room, for about five seconds, and bought it. Two years later I found it in my closet and almost died of shame.