Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Vomit #10: Forget your greens, comics are better for you

Despite years of being distrusted, misinterpreted and accused of perverting young minds, an extensive study by leading scienticians at the University of Shinola has discovered that comics are actually good for you.

“The results are surprising, but entirely accurate,” explained Doctor Roger DeMarco, pointing to an impressive chart full of graphs and shit. “Despite an inordinately large proportion of obesity, comic readers tend to live a lot longer that non-comic readers. It appears that the sparking of the imagination, immersion in a totally fictional world and the lessening of stress caused by the re-reading of a favourite comic are all extremely healthy.”

Doctor DeMarco also used comic creators themselves as examples of the health benefits of comics.

“Sure, a hell of a lot of comic creators ending up burning out at an early age, but others are almost immortal. Look at Stan Lee or Joe Kubert or Frank Frazetta. Lee’s body has mummified to the point where mortal weapons cannot harm him. Kubert is nearly 206 years old, but he’s just too damn tough to die and Frazetta could still take you in a fight.”

Following the issuing of this report, the United States government was about to deliver eleventy-million comic books around the country. But after discovering that comics aren’t just for kids anymore, funding was quickly withdrawn.