Saturday, March 1, 2014

Clueless

Watching people in the real world and on the tube it is still amazing to me that I did not see/perceive the left half of other peoples faces. It suggests a one dimensionality of myself that I would never have guessed. I have to make a deliberate attempt to see the left half. I can focus on the left eye/face of others by either doing my normal which would be the right eye dominant or putting my attention in my left eye and making the connection with it. My sense of myself now is that I never clued in to many important hints that the left side of face was suggesting. It's not that I know what other people are thinking. It is more similar to looking at a piece of art and paying attention to what emotions are evoked. It seems to allow myself relate to people in a more friendly way in many situations. However I can still be my immediate reactive self very easily and it often predominates.

Going back to this article I am not sure I completely understand it. However I think my right eye to right eye/face connection is first and foremost a threat assessment. My dad's behavior was very volatile varying from tenderness to violence. My own survival may have been felt to be predicated on distinguishing between the two extremes. Seeing the left was always a secondary behavior which I do not seem to have developed. My left side posture feels to be crippled and to a degree twisted in expectation that the right hand may come out of the blue to hit my left side. If I watch a person who has the expectation of being hit by someone much more powerful there is often a cringing of the side that will be hit. My expectations may have developed postural habit formations which I feel is much more than just the visible skeletal position. To allow a relaxation of my left side to come forth to meet see and perceive does not feel to be my usual mode of behavior. It also suggests that I cannot generalize my habits to others