In the world today, America faces an increasingly hostile international community. Nevermind the terrorists themselves, who will hate America no matter what she does; even our supposed Allies in Europe and the Middle East are starting to dissent openly about the Bush administration's mounting missteps.

America is a nation that cannot find Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar, and no matter how much Bush downplays this military failure, Americans themselves are beginning to doubt their collective virility.

When Ariel Sharon refuses to take Bush on his word and withdraw Israeli troops from deployments in the West Bank, we can hardly blame him. Not only has Bush utterly failed to offer any constructive engagement in the Mid-East peace process since he took office, but he utterly lacks all credibility in confronting terrorism both in the Middle East and abroad. America may have successfully penetrated and disrupted the Al Qaeda networks within Afghanistan, but Bush's unwillingness to encourage effective statebuilding amidst Afghanistan's rubble demonstrates he lacks staying power.

When the Washington Monument was erected over the course of forty years during the nineteenth century, America made an important statement to the world at large and our enemies in particular: not only did we revere our first and perhaps best president, but we venerated him to the point of memorializing his manhood. The monument comprises five hundred and fifty five feet of stone-hard cock, turgid and unflinching, at perpetual attention and ready to skewer enemies with the full sexual energy of the entire nation channeled through Washington's posthumous penis.

But the World Trade Center attacks have proved that our nation's phallic monuments themselves are under attack. If both Wall Street's genitalia (World Trade Center buildings) and the Defense Department's scrotum (the Pentagon) can be bombed with impunity, than no monument, no matter how grand or imperial, can stand a chance.

America's natural monuments have proven far more resilient. The White Sands National Park was repeatedly nuked over the course of the second half of the twentieth century, purposefully no less, and yet the park's resplendent beauty remains. The Hudson River has witnessed toxic spill after toxic spill and years of environmental custodial mismanagement and yet continues to pour fresh water into the Atlantic Ocean as it always has.

What I propose is nothing less than terraforming Florida from a flaccid penis into an erect and virile penis:

Some may question the wisdom of undertaking such a monumental undertaking to build such a monument. To these naysayers, I say that, in addition to sound politics, I have sound economics and environmental analysis on my side.

Global warming, another problem the Bush administration has utterly failed to address despite international solidarity behind the Kyoto protocols, has ensured that if we do not act soon, all of Florida will be submerged under the rising tides. Since Florida will already require substantial renovation, it might as well be renovated in such a fashion as to proclaim America's masculinity in the loudest terms.

And as the Walt Disney Corporation has demonstrated, there are vast fortunes to be made in transforming the Floridian landscape in unnatural but superior manners. What's more, by relocating Florida's tourist traps hundreds of miles northward and closer to the metropolitan centers of the civilized world, the opportunities for a grand economic renaissance are immeasurable, not to mention the residual benefits of widening the ocean divides between the shores of America and the festering pit of tobacco and loose women to the south.

Understandably, some might be reluctant to pursue a project as grand as this, unprecedented in scale as it is. To be true, Russia tried but failed to reverse the flow of its major rivers, but America is no failed totalitarian state weighed down with the political and cultural baggage of communism. If America is ever to be recognized as the sole remaining superpower, then she must prevail where the Evil Empire could not.

Write your Congressman today and send a clear message that a limp Florida can no longer be tolerated. It's time for America to reassert her manhood.

Florida has been reluctant to allow oil drilling off the Gulf Coast. This is largely due to our politically-impotent President's she-male brother.

This plan would open up a huge strech of the oil-rich Gulf of Mexico to my home state of Alabama. This would result in more oil for Americans and more money and jobs for Alabama._
_
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Who wants to freeze your arse off drilling holes in the frozen tundra when all the oil you want is right there off the coast of Florida? Nice weather, and the warmer climate makes the oil flow better too...
Here in the UK all our oil comes from the North Sea, and it's bloody freezing. Huge waves and temperature's never above 10 degC.

The victim of this time will be space industry. For technical reasons, satellites for most of used orbits have to be launched from as close to equator as possible; there is a reason why the space center in Florida is where it is.

So hereby I propose that for the sake of keeping US space industry unaffected, we shall move not only Florida but also the equator itself.

...Um... (none / 0) (#9)

by Anonymous Reader on Wed Apr 24th, 2002 at 08:24:02 PM PST

It's time for America to reassert her manhood.
Is there something wrong with this statement, or is it just me...

I submit that America's past assertions of her dildo-esque "manhood" in the form of plethoras of manmade phalli is what got her into the current scramble. What she needs is to tear down the rest of the embarrassing monuments to silicone and get back in touch with her fertile, motherly roots.

The man with the biggest cock is not the winner. People on the receiving end of cocks prefer them to be medium sized and manageable. It's about classical beauty. Proportions must be correct. I always wonder exactly what's at stake in cock fights. What does the biggest cock get you? A spot in a circus sideshow of freaks?

Not quite (none / 0) (#11)

by Anonymous Reader on Wed Apr 24th, 2002 at 10:13:35 PM PST

While opinion polls do show women overall as more or less indifferent to cock size, the fact remains that dominant, alpha females (supermodels, high-powered CEOs, top saleswomen, etc.) do prefer virile, well hung, males, the weller hung, the better. Many of these women also tend to have rape fantasies. So, the more desirable the woman, the more she will want the more forceful male with the bigger cock.

Question (none / 0) (#13)

by Anonymous Reader on Thu Apr 25th, 2002 at 03:22:44 AM PST

Have you already met a woman? Or did you grow up in the middle of nowhere and the first time you saw a woman they told you it was a goose?

Look (none / 0) (#19)

by Anonymous Reader on Thu Apr 25th, 2002 at 10:57:37 PM PST

I am simply referring to the documented results of an empirical study. Powerful women crave big cocks: it's a fact. It's not as if I was somehow commanding these women to have rape fantasies, so leave the off-topic insults out of this. Just because you can't handle the truth, that's no reason to resort toad hominem attacks.

Though a permanently erect penis is a sign of a cycling injury, not of enduring manhood. I suggest that instead we lengthen Florida's flaccid length, leaving our detractors to fear our potential erectile grandeur.

Well.. (none / 0) (#18)

by Anonymous Reader on Thu Apr 25th, 2002 at 02:03:31 PM PST

Freud would have loved you as a patient!

Viagra carries a heavy price (none / 0) (#20)

by Anonymous Reader on Fri Apr 26th, 2002 at 11:45:32 AM PST

Whatever Florida gains in self-confidence and ability to please its partner, it will probably lose in tourism money, as the bulk of the state moves northward into cooler latitudes. All your plan would accomplish would be sending our masses of tourists further south to suckle on Cancun, the nipple of Mexico's tit.

All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective
companies.
Comments are owned by the Poster. The Rest ® 2001, 2002, 2003 Adequacy.org.
The Adequacy.org name, logo, symbol, and taglines "News for Grown-Ups", "Most
Controversial Site on the Internet", "Linux Zealot", and "He just loves Open Source
Software", and the RGB color value: D7D7D7 are trademarks of Adequacy.org. No part
of this site may be republished or reproduced in whatever form without prior written
permission by Adequacy.org and, if and when applicable, prior written permission by
the contributing author(s), artist(s), or user(s). Any inquiries are directed to
legal@adequacy.org.