The Retired Wing Commander

In which Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) attempts to help an Iraqi get his fortune out of the country, and in which he discovers that his ludicrous campaign for English independence attracts very little support in the Ivory Coast.

Cast of characters

Gilbert Murray – Wing Commander, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.).

Elizabeth Murray – Gilbert’s long-suffering wife.

Rahim Alali – allegedly an Iraqi dealer in gold and oil.

Bali Alali – Rahim’s brother, allegedly an employee in a bank in the Ivory Coast.

I AM RAHIM ALALI FROM IRAQ. I AM CONTACTING YOU IN CONNECTION WITH THE $120 MILLION I HAVE IN MY POSSESION WHICH I HAVE THROUGH MY BROTHER MOVED INTO A BANK IN ABIDJAN WHERE HE WORKS. PLEASE COULD YOU HELP IN PROVIDING AN ACCOUNT SO THAT THIS MONEY COULD BE TRANSFERRED TO YOU SO THAT I CAN COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR RESETTLEMENT AND START A NEW LIFE AND INVEST THE MONEY? PLEASE, FOR THE CONDITION OF ME AND MY FAMILY AND WHERE WE ARE STAYING. I CANNOT DO THIS MYSELF SO MY BROTHER WILL HELP US. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, I WILL GIVE YOU HIS FULL NAME, E-MAIL/PHONE CONTACTS, AND ALSO THE BANK CONTACTS WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU SO THAT YOU CAN CONTACT THE BANK ON HOW THE TRANSFER WILL BE MADE TO YOU INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

THANKS. I BEG TO STOP SO FAR TILL YOU REPLY.

ALLAH BLESS YOU,

RAHIM ALALI

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: Re: Assistance

Sent: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 14:14:47

Dear Alali,

I do not know how you obtained my personal email address, or what made you write to me on this matter.

However, your story touches me greatly. I know that things are difficult for you johnnies in Iraq at the moment. If you ask me, things started to go downhill in the third world when the empires started to collapse, but that is neither here not there.

Anyway, I may be in a position to help you.

If you require my assistance, email me back with further details.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Rahim Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE CONTACT MY BROTHER

Sent: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 19:20:13 +0200

DEAR GILBERT,

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL AND ALSO YOUR KINDNESS TO ASSIST ME. ALL YOU NEED TO DO TO ASSIST ME IS TO CONTACT MY BROTHER WHO IS WORKING WITH THE BANK WHERE I DEPOSITED THIS FUND SO THAT HE WILL DIRECT YOU ON HOW THIS FUND WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT. BUT BEFORE WE DO ANYTHING, YOU HAVE TO SEND ME YOUR FULL CONTACT DETAILS AND CV BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, THIS TRANSACTION IS BASED ON TRUST. BUT I BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FAIL THE TRUST I HAVE DEPOSITED ON YOU.

PLEASE, YOU ARE TO CONTACT MY BROTHER WHO WORKS WITH THIS BANK WHERE I DEPOSITED THIS FUND. HE IS TO DIRECT YOU WELL. AS YOU KNOW, THE SITUATION HERE IN IRAQ IS VERY BAD. I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU A PHONE NUMBER WHERE TO REACH ME FOR MORE INFORMATION, BUT I PREFER WE COMMUNICATE WITH EMAIL.

I HAVE ALSO SENT A MAIL TO MY BROTHER INFORMING HIM OF YOUR INTREST TO ASSIST ME. PLEASE TRY YOUR BEST TO CONTACT HIM IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL. YOU ARE TO SEND TO HIM YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS WHERE THIS FUND WILL BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE, YOU ARE TO GET BACK TO ME AND FORWARD TO ME THE INFORMATIONS I HAVE REQUESTED FROM YOU. BELOW IS THE CONTACT OF MY BROTHER:

NAME: MR BALI ALALI

TEL: 0022507556465

ABIDJAN, COTE D’IVOIRE

I WILL BE EXPECTING TO READ FROM TODAY.

MAY ALLAH GOD BLESS YOU,

RAHIM ALALI

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: Re: PLEASE CONTACT MY BROTHER

Sent: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 08:56:21

Alali,

Thank you for your email. Very prompt response. I like that in a man. Well done.

Couple of points before we go any further.

First, kindly address me as “Wing Commander Murray”. Only my closest friends call me “Gilbert”. And Mrs Murray, of course. Second, turn off the CAPS LOCK key on your keyboard. Damned difficult to read your emails when you write them all in CAPITAL LETTERS. Very shoddy.

You asked for my CV. Well, here’s my life in brief. Born 1937 in Oxford. Educated at Eton, where I learned the values of decency, discipline, teamwork and always having a clean pair of shoes, but precious little else. Never been much of an academic. Much more of a can-do, practical type of chap. After school, moved straight into the Royal Air Force. Cut my teeth flying Vulcans, teaching Johnny Arab a lesson in Aden and Suez. Moved up the ranks as quick as a rat up a pole. Decorated with sundry honours and medals. Last saw active service in the first Gulf War, liberating Kuwait. Might well have strafed you at some point, you never know.

Retired two years ago. Now living in quiet retirement with the wife in remote Lincolnshire village. Financially sound. Excellent health and all my own teeth. Keep myself busy managing my many investments and acting as Secretary for the England for the English campaign.

There’s my background in a nutshell. Now, kindly send me more information on yourself. You’ve not given me much to go on so far. I’m always on the lookout for a profitable wheeze, and this one sounds right up my street. But I cannot go any further without more information.

What’s all this about your brother? What’s he doing in the Ivory Coast? Used to be a nice place, or so I’ve heard. Even though it used to be owned by the French.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. All this “Allah bless you” business: I take it you’re one of those Muslim fellas? Never mind. Probably not your fault. C of E myself. Still, all brothers together and so on and so forth.

From: Rahim Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CONFIRM

Sent: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 17:53:17 +0200

DEAR WING COMMANDER MURRAY,

PLEASE, YOU ARE TO CONFIRM THE RECEIPT OF MY MAIL TODAY CONTAINING INFORMATIONS ABOUT ME. LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CONTACT MY BROTHER BALI, BECAUSE HE WROTE AND TOLD ME THAT YOU HAVE NOT CONTACTED HIM. YOU KNOW IT IS IMPORTANT YOU CONTACT HIM BECAUSE HE WORKS IN THE BANK WHERE I DEPOSITED THIS FUND. HE WILL DIRECT YOU AND ALSO WILL SUBMIT YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS TO THEIR BANK REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT FOR THE TRANSFER INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

BE INFORMED THAT YOU ARE TO CALL HIM WITH THIS NUMBER: 0022507556465.

WAITING TO READ FROM YOU TODAY.

BEST REGARDS,

RAHIM ALALI

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: Re: CONFIRM

Sent: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 17:15:46

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. I note to my dismay that you have not done as I instructed and turned off the CAPS LOCK key on your keyboard. Was it blown off in the recent bombing campaign or something? If not, turn the damn thing off now and stop writing your emails all in CAPITAL LETTERS. Writing all in capitals is RUDE, man, has nobody ever told you that?

I asked you for more information on yourself. You have not provided it. Perhaps I did not make myself clear. Before I go any further with this caper, I want to know more about your background and how you came to have all this money. I must be satisfied that there is nothing fishy going on here, do you hear me? For all I know, you could be Saddam Bloody Hussein. For example. Whereabouts in Iraq do you live? How old are you? Have you a family? What is your profession? I must know that I can trust you before I go any further.

So to answer your question, no I have not yet contacted your brother. I will contact your brother when you send me the information I have requested.

Shake a leg, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Rahim Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CONFIRM

Sent: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 18:58:39 +0200

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This is the information you requested from me as follows:

Name: Rahim Alali.

Occupation: gold and oil dealer (businessman) and an industrialist.

Marital status: married with two children.

Age: 53 years.

Country: Iraq.

This is a little information about myself.

Best regards,

Rahim Alali

From: Rahim Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CONFIRM

Sent: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 13:10:02 +0200

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your mail and the content is well noted by me. I have sent you a mail with a little information concerning my person, but I am surprised that you did not receive it. Below are the details again.

Name: Al Rahim Alali.

Country: Baghdad, Iraq.

Occupation: gold and oil dealer/industrialist.

Marital status: married with two children.

Please this is a little about myself. I am not Saddam and will not be that type of person. Please try your best to assist me to transfer this fund into your account and also to assist me to relocate with my family to your country, but first you have to contact my brother who will direct you as a banker and has every document regarding the deposit. He will also detail you how they will transfer, since you can reach him on phone it will help this transaction to be fast.

I have to move out of this place where we are in southern Iraq because it is too difficult for me and my family here. Please assist us, but if you can not assist, please let me look for another person who will do so. My children are suffering and I do not want anything to happen to them.

Please try to contact my brother and submit your account details to him for the transfer.

Awaiting to read from you today.

Best regards,

Rahim Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: Re: CONFIRM

Sent: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 12:37:32

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. Thank you for the extra information. However, you still have not answered one of my questions, man. How did you come about this large amount of money? I am relatively wealthy myself, but $120 million dollars is a lot of money by any standards, and I don’t want to get involved in any shady dealings, do you see? I have my reputation to consider.

If you can show me that this money is legitimately yours, I believe we can do business.

Glad to see you’ve got the hang of that CAPS LOCK business. Well done, man. Keep up the good work.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: One more thing

Sent: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 12:44:32

Alali,

One more thing. You say you’re not Saddam Hussein. Fair enough. Well done. But you’re not one of his cohorts, are you?

I don’t want to get involved in this business and then find the American 5th Bloody Fleet knocking down my door because I’m aiding and abetting Saddam’s ex-Minister of Torture or something.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Rahim Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH Saddam

Sent: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 15:29:33 +0200

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

First I will thank you for your carefulness in this transaction, but I want you to understand that I have nothing to do with Saddam. Like I told you, I am a gold and oil dealer. I have been in this business for 18 years and I was based in Brunei. It was just last year, November 23, that I came back to invest in my country Iraq, but it is unfortunate that the industry which I have started building was destroyed last month. I got this rumour of war early this year, then my brother assisted me to deposit this fund in the bank where he is working. I wanted to leave with my family then, but my thought was that this war is not going to get to this stage. My belief was that after the Americans will remove this man Saddam, that everything will be better for us the Iraqians because many have suffered in silence in this Saddam’s regime.

Do not have fear over this transaction because I am a very honest man and will not involve you in anything that will jeopardise your personality. I know the impression other parts of the world have about us, but it is not that all of us are the same. I made my money through a genuine and my hard working way.

Please, we have to proceed. You do not have anything to fear. Go ahead and contact my brother on this phone number 0022507556465 so that as we enter this new week the fund will be transferred to your account, then you can now start to make arrangements for my coming over with my family.

Awaiting to read from you today.

Rahim Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: You have convinced me

Sent: Sat, 06 Sep 2003 19:08:47

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. Thank you for sending me the information I requested. Getting it out of you was about as easy as getting sense out of a Welshman, but we got there in the end. Well done.

I am delighted to say that you have convinced me that you have nothing whatsoever to do with Saddam Hussein, and are not one of his cronies. This is most excellent news.

However, before I contact your brother, I also require some background information on him, to satisfy myself that he is on the level too. I trust you can appreciate my caution – as Secretary of the England for the English campaign, I have to be extremely careful who I do business with. My predecessor in this role got into a frightful pickle when one of his “business contacts” turned out to be a rather shady character, and he ended up being caught with a 14 year old Philippino boy in a Kings Cross hotel in a compromising position. I don’t want any of that stuff and nonsense happening to me, do you see?

Not that I’m intimating that you or your brother have anything to do with 14 year old Philippino boys, of course. I would imagine they’re rather difficult to come by in Iraq at the moment.

So, my good man, send me some background information on your brother, and we are in business.

Now then. As I’m going to be doing you a big favour, you can do me one in return. You scratch my back and all that. I’ve attached a petition for you to sign. It’s for the England for the English campaign. Print it out, fill it in, scan it into your computer and send it back to me, would you? We’re gunning for as many signatures as we can, so if you could get any of your friends and colleagues to sign it too, that would be capital. At the very least, I’ll expect the signatures of you and your immediate family. Alright? Marvellous.

Look forward to your response. Chop chop.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Don’t suppose you have any English blood in you, do you? Just wondered.

I’m surprised not to have had a response from you after my email of yesterday. I’ve offered to help you out in your plight, but I get nothing but silence from your end.

Perhaps you’re taking a bit of time to make sure you get enough signatures to completely fill the petition I sent you. Good thinking. But do you not think we need to get things moving here?

Send me the information I need on your brother and we can get this project airborne. I’m sitting here in the cockpit right now ready for the off, but it seems like the chap in the tower’s asleep.

You may be interested to know that I received a very promising proposal yesterday from a Mrs Abacha in Nigeria which aroused my interest. I’m a patient man, Alali, but my patience has its limits. If I don’t hear from you pronto, I’m tempted to explore the business opportunity this Mrs Abacha has put forward instead of devoting my time, energy and resources to helping you out.

Jump to it, there’s a good fella, and we’ll have your money safe and sound before you know it.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Rahim Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: My brother will give you all info you need

Sent: Mon, 08 Sep 2003 17:14:17 +0200

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

I want you to understand my situation here in Iraq. All this load you are trying to give me before you will be able to assist me is very hard for me this time because of my situation.

Please all I can tell you about my brother is that he is a banker in Abidjan, Cote d’Ivoire, West Africa, and he works with the BIAO Bank where I deposited this fund. Please, all you need to do is to contact him and he will direct you on how this fund will be transferred to your account. I have already told him about you and he will be waiting for you to contact him.

Please contact him and ask him any question you will need to know about this transaction and himself or about our family since you can be able to talk with him on the phone, then he will give you any information you request of him.

Awaiting to read from you today.

Best regards,

Rahim Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: I am prepared to help you

Sent: Mon, 08 Sep 2003 20:59:43

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. Frankly man, I’m astonished at your attitude. I am fully aware of the situation in Iraq – I listen to the news on the radio every day. If you ask me, Iraq has been going steadily downhill ever since the Shah left. Now I know that things are a little difficult for you right now. But for god’s sake, all I am asking you to do is fill in a petition. It can’t take more than a few minutes of your time, and this is something that is extremely important to me. What could be more important than the future of this fine country?

Now. Despite your unfortunate attitude, I am prepared to help you. I am prepared to contact your brother and get further information on this caper.

Right. To the logistics. I live in a particularly remote part of this fine country of England, and we have no telephones here. The telephone company tried to connect our village last year, but the telegraph poles sank into the marshy ground, and they have not tried again since. Therefore I carry out all my business via email. I trust this is acceptable to you.

Therefore I cannot telephone your brother using the number you gave me. Kindly send me your brother’s email address, and I will email him directly.

Another question. What do I stand to gain from all this hoo-hah? I think we need to establish this from the outset.

Now, be sure to send me back the petition I emailed to you within the week, there’s a good man.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. You failed to answer my enquiry. Do you have any English blood in you or not, man?

From: Rahim Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: You are not doing anything to assist me

Sent: Tue, 09 Sep 2003 18:20:34 +0200

Please, I want you to understand that I am a serious man and will not want to do anything with a player.

Please if you are not capable to assist me, I will not like to waste my time with you. Please if you cannot contact my brother, that means you are not trying to assist this transaction.

Thanks and Allah bless you.

Rahim Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: What the blazes are you on about, man?

Sent: Tue, 09 Sep 2003 17:33:12

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. What the blazes are you on about? What the devil do you mean, calling me a “player”? What the bloody hell is a “player”? Is this Iraqi slang for something?

I am doing all I can to help you and your family in your plight, my good man, and yet what do I get from you? Insults! At least I assume it is an insult. What have I done to deserve this sort of treatment at your hands, man?

Explain to me what you mean, having the nerve to call me a “player”, whatever that means, when I am trying to provide you with my honest assistance. I am offended, man. Deeply offended.

Despite your petulance, I am still willing to offer you my assistance. If you do not require my assistance, then so be it. However, if you do, then forward me your brother’s email address by return so that I can contact him.

I have explained to you that due to the remoteness of my house, I am not connected to the electric telephone network. I do all my business via email, using a satellite link devised by my neighbour.

Explain yourself, and get with the programme, for god’s sake.

I await your response.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: And another thing

Sent: Tue, 09 Sep 2003 17:39:54

Alali,

One more thing: address me properly, god damn it. I have told you before, my title is Wing Commander Murray.

I am not used to receiving such insolent, incorrectly-addressed emails. Congratulations. You have now succeeded in raising my blood pressure as well as my hackles.

We knew how to deal with insolence from subordinates like this in the RAF, I can tell you.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: I am ready to proceed

Sent: Wed, 10 Sep 2003 20:05:33

Alali,

Frankly, man, I am confused. Do you want my help or not?

I have placed myself at your disposal, yet get no reply from you. All I can think is that the electricity is off again in Iraq or something.

If you and your family require my assistance, I am willing to provide it. Get back to me promptly with your brother’s email address.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Elizabeth Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: Can I be of any assistance?

Sent: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 12:33:25

Dear Mr Alali,

You do not know me, so please allow me to introduce myself. I am Mrs Elizabeth Murray. I gather that you have been corresponding with my husband Gilbert over the past week, regarding the terrible situation in which you and your family find themselves in Iraq.

My husband has kept me informed of the correspondence he has had with you, and I can honestly say that your story moved me. Therefore, I was most concerned to hear yesterday from Gilbert that the two of you had fallen out over what sounds like a very trivial matter. I had been hoping that Gilbert would be able to help you and your family escape from your current troubles.

Gilbert is currently extremely angry, and says that he wants no more to do with you: he told me that you had insulted him, and he used some rather intemperate language himself to describe you. You must excuse my husband. He is a kind and generous man, but he is also extremely proud, irascible, and prone to violent tempers. He is liable to take offence at the slightest thing, often when no offence was intended.

I do not feel that it is fair on you or your family that my husband’s temper should condemn you to have to stay in Iraq in your present situation. Therefore, I would like to do whatever I can to help you.

Please, Mr Alali, I must ask you not to inform my husband that I have contacted you. Gilbert is a fine man and a good husband, but he can also be rather controlling, and he would not be happy if he thought that I was going behind his back.

Please pass on my warmest regards to your family, Mr Alali. I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours truly,

Mrs Elizabeth Murray

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I have been directed by my brother

Sent: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 12:32:33 +0100 (BST)

Dear Mr Gilbert,

I have been directed by my brother Al Rahim Alali for the transfer of his fund that is deposited here in our bank to your account. Please, for this fund to be transferred to your account as directed by my brother, you have to send to me your account details so that I will submit them to our International Remittance Department of our bank as the co-beneficiary of the fund.

Sir, I will be waiting for the informations and also your phone and fax numbers so that I will be contacting you to direct you on any urgent matters.

Waiting for your urgent response.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: Rahim Alali

Subject: Regarding your email

Sent: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 13:55:27

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. To be frank, I am extremely surprised to hear from you. I had thought your brother Rahim had foolishly rejected my selfless offer of help outright. In his last email to me, he also insulted me by called me a “player”, whatever that is. I take it to be some form of Iraqi insult.

However, despite your brother’s insulting behaviour, I am willing to let bygones be bygones and help him and his family in his plight.

Now then. It seems to me that before we proceed any further, we have a few things to sort out. No good rushing into the wood with our eyes shut and our peckers out, as we used to say in the RAF.

Firstly. Your manner of address will not do. Kindly address me as “Wing Commander Murray”. Only my closest friends call me “Gilbert”. And nobody calls me “Mr Gilbert”. That would just be silly.

Secondly. I have already explained to your brother that due to the remoteness of my house, I am not connected to the electric telephone network. I do all my business via email, using a satellite link devised by my neighbour. I am surprised that he has not passed this information on to you. Perhaps the pounding of the bombs during the recent campaign affected his short-term memory. No matter.

Thirdly. We have yet to establish what monetary benefit I will gain from this transaction. I am a generous and charitable man, but there has to be something for me in all this. Perhaps you would like to discuss a figure with your brother then get back to me.

Fourthly. Your brother Rahim told me that you were located in the Ivory Coast. Yet you have a UK-based email address. What’s that all about then?

Clear up these matters to my satisfaction, and we are in business my man.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Rahim Alali

To: Elizabeth Murray

Subject: Thank you for your kindness

Sent: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 14:41:03 +0200

Dear Madam,

Thanks for you kindness. I have already instructed my brother Bali to contact your husband regarding the transfer of the fund, but I have never heard from my brother to update me on the developments which I know that he will inform me may be today or tomorrow.

My wife was very happy when I informed her about you. Please take it easy with your husband. You know we men have our way, but the way of a woman is that they always care.

Thanks and extend my regards to your loved ones till we come over to meet in your country.

You are free to write me any time.

Best regards,

Rahim Alali

From: Elizabeth Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: Thank you for your email

Sent: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 17:22:51

Dear Mr Alali,

Thank you for your kind email. My husband told me about an hour ago that he had received an email from your brother and that he had responded. I am so pleased that the two of you seem to have patched things up. I do so hope that my husband will be able to help you and your family escape from the terrible situation in which you find yourselves.

If I may, I would like to pass on some womanly advice to you. I mentioned in my last email that my husband was a good and decent man. I also mentioned that he is not without his faults. He can be proud, arrogant, rude even, and is prone to taking offence. I blame his lifetime’s service as an officer in the Royal Air Force. However, despite his faults, you could not hope to find a more honest man, and he will go far out of his way to help someone in trouble. I would advise you to mention this to your brother, and to perhaps persuade your brother to put up with my husband’s little quirks of character if he can, and to forgive him if he gives offence. Trust me: I know my husband better than anyone, and this is by far the best way to deal with him.

Gilbert can be a bit of a cantankerous old fool at times. But he has a heart of gold, and I love him.

Once again, my warmest regards to you and your family. I look forward to meeting you soon, once Gilbert has helped you out of your current predicament.

Yours truly,

Mrs Elizabeth Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali

Subject: The wheels are in motion

Sent: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 08:59:45

Alali,

A quick email. As you are probably aware, I am now in contact with your brother. Glad to see that you saw sense in the end. Well, I will do what I can to help you out. Just hope your brother’s a decent sort of chap. Another Muslim fella, I take it? Never mind.

Don’t worry my good chap. We’ll have you out of Iraq before you know it.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. How’s that petition coming along? You must have been able to get a good many signatures by now. Well, send it back as soon as it’s full, there’s a good man.

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Regarding your email

Sent: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 12:12:38 +0100 (BST)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

Thank for your mail, all the question and correction you stated.

I wrote my brother and he told me that for your assistance to this fund transfer that he will give you 10% of the total fund and also a manger of any investment that he is going to start over there in your country.

Secondly, I work here in Cote d’Ivoire (Ivory Coast), why I use the Yahoo UK account is because it is my choice in all the Yahoo and I don’t think it is wrong to make such choice.

Please sir, I am still waiting for the account details for submission for the transfer to be effected today or tomorrow.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: Rahim Alali

Subject: Percentages

Sent: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 13:55:27

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. You appear to have answered all of my queries satisfactorily. Well done. Good show.

Now then. I must take issue with the percentage your brother is willing to offer me for my assistance. Strikes me that this whole affair might be blurring the edges of what’s right and proper in a strictly legal sense, if you catch my drift. I must be taking some sort of risk here. Don’t want Johnny Taxman getting his hands on my money, do you see? I reckon 20% is more suitable for this level of risk. What do you reckon? Do we have a deal?

The money will come in useful to fund the England for the English campaign, for which I am Secretary. Your brother’s probably mentioned it to you. Keeps me busy. Out of mischief. And a jolly good cause too. Sure you agree.

So, let’s agree on 20%. Let me know if we have a deal and I’ll forward on my account details immediately.

In the meantime, I’ve attached a petition for you to sign. It’s for the England for the English campaign. Your brother’s busy collecting signatures for me in Iraq. Least he can do, you know? So shouldn’t be too much of a bother for you to do the same in the Ivory Coast. You scratch my back, etc?

Anyway. Print it out, fill it in, scan it into your computer and send it back to me, would you? We need all the signatures we can get, so pass it round your colleagues at the bank and get all your family to sign, there’s a good man.

Rather surprised that you have not got back to me regarding the question over percentages. Thought you were in a hurry to get this show on the road. This is your brother’s life we’re talking about. Shake a leg, my good man.

I will be checking my email later this evening – I am spending the day driving Mrs Murray into town for some shopping. Waste of a day if you ask me, but the dear lady says she simply must have some new shoes, and who am I to argue?

Now then, let’s have some progress, and less of this inaction.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Rahim Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: MY LAST MAIL WITH YOU

Sent: Sat, 13 Sep 2003 22:25:13 +0200

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

I HAVE NOT SEEN ANY SERIOUSNESS IN YOU SINCE THIS TRANSACTION STARTED. ALL I CAN SEE IN YOU IS PRIDE.

PLEASE, I CAN ACCEPT TO GIVE YOU THE 20%, BUT THIS WILL BE MY LAST MAIL IF I DO NOT SEE ANY ACTION IN YOU.

YOU EVEN INSULTED ME TO MY BROTHER, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

AL RAHIM

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali; Cc: Bali Alali

Subject: Regarding your last email

Sent: Sat, 13 Sep 2003 22:31:57

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. I have to say that I found it astonishing, man. You say that I have insulted you to your brother. How so? If I have said anything to your brother about you that you have found insulting, then I must apologise, as that was not my intention. But I honestly cannot think what you are referring to. I am trying to help you for god’s sake, not insult you.

It is you who have insulted me, by calling me a “player”, if you remember. I still do not know exactly what that means, but I shudder to think. I am used to ripe language from my time in the RAF, but that is not an insult I have come across before.

You call me proud. Well maybe I am proud. Nobody is perfect. But I am also willing to put myself to the trouble to help you and your family in your time of need. You accuse me of not being serious. I do not know what you are basing this on. Believe me, I am a very serious man. Always have been. Always will be.

I have to assume that we are misunderstanding each other because of our cultural differences. I do not think we should let this come between us. After all, we are all brothers, are we not? Given the situation your family finds itself in, I would have thought you would show some gratitude rather than picking fault with my character.

We seem to have got off on the wrong foot. I am willing to put our differences behind us, forget your insults, and move forward with all good intentions. Are you willing to do the same, man?

Assuming that you are, then I thank you for accepting my suggestion of 20%. This will be most satisfactory.

Now, is it you or your brother I am dealing with when it comes to the nitty-gritty? Assuming it will be your brother, kindly get him to get back in contact and we will move forward at once.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. See you’re still having problems with that CAPS LOCK key. Here’s a tip for nothing: a touch of light oil might help free it if it’s sticking.

From: Rahim Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I need action

Sent: Sun, 14 Sep 2003 19:40:13 +0200

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This is not a matter of writing mails and talking too much. Please, I have told you to send your account details to my brother Bali who will submit them to the Remittance Department of their bank to effect the fund transfer to your account.

Please, if you have made yourself available to assist me, send your account details to my brother by Monday so that this fund will be transferred this new week.

We have talked a lot. Please let me see action from you.

Best regards,

Al Rahim Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali; Cc: Bali Alali

Subject: Action is my middle name

Sent: Sun, 14 Sep 2003 19:04:21

Alali,

Glad to see you’re willing to let bygones be bygones and move forward. Good man. Like me, I see you’re a man of action. Like your new attitude.

Send my account details to your brother, eh? Well, I think we’ve sorted out all the necessary formalities by now, so no sooner said than done.

How is the petition coming along by the way? Getting close to getting a full roster of signatures, I should think by now. Looking forward to getting it back from you soon.

Please pass on my regards, and those of my wife, to your family, my good man. I have told my wife of your plight and she was deeply moved. That’s women for you, eh?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: Rahim Alali

Subject: Account details and so forth

Sent: Sun, 14 Sep 2003 19:05:01

Alali,

Been in contact with your brother. Keen to move on and all that without any further delays. So, without any further ado, here’s the details of the account you can move the fund into:

This is a business bank account that I use for the occasional business venture. I have emptied this account in preparation for the receipt of the sum from this transaction, so it currently has a zero balance. Trust this is acceptable to you.

Not sure if you have my address either. It’s Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK.

So, there we go. Trust we can move forward with all speed now. Let’s have no more of these delays, eh?

Let me know what happens next. Good man.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. How is that petition I sent you coming along? You must have plenty of colleagues in the bank who’ll be happy to put their names to it. Let me know, there’s a good chap.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: Rahim Alali

Subject: Let’s have some movement

Sent: Mon, 15 Sep 2003 14:23:34

Alali,

I sent you my account details yesterday and asked you how we proceed from here.

What have I heard from you in return?

Nothing!

Time is of the essence here, I feel. That’s certainly how your brother seems to view the situation.

I am sitting here, poised like a cheetah, ready to spring into action as soon as you give the word.

Let’s go, man!

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Rahim Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Have they contacted you?

Sent: Mon, 15 Sep 2003 17:01:49 +0200

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

My brother wrote me and told me that the bank will contact you. I don’t know if they have done so. Please, you know the banking system in Africa. Please wait till you hear from them and immediately you hear from the bank get back to me.

Best regards,

Al Rahim Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Rahim Alali; Cc: Bali Alali

Subject: Re: Have they contacted you?

Sent: Mon, 15 Sep 2003 17:29:21

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. Afraid to say, not heard so much as a peep from your brother’s bank. Not much experience of dealing with African banks. Bit slow to get moving, are they? Not the sharpest tools in the banking box, is that it? Probably the heat. That’s what I put it down to. Hot climate, do you see? Complete absence of the Protestant work ethic also has part to play if you ask me. Damn shoddy.

Don’t worry, just say the word and I’ll send them a rocket of an email that’ll be sure to get them moving. Give me a sign and I’ll knock seven bells out of the blighters with a carefully-worded missive. Good at that. One of my talents, do you see?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: From Bali Alali

Sent: Tue, 16 Sep 2003 11:42:00 +0100 (BST)

Dear Wing Commander Murray,

I am in receipt of this mail. Please sir, if you are writing me, you have to direct your mail to me, not copy the mail you write my brother to me.

Sir, the International Remittance Department of our bank has started to process your transfer and they will be contacting you with their remittance form to fill and return to the bank. I advise you to fill it in and return it immediately they contact you with the form.

Please, it will be good if you can find a place to call the Director of the International Remittance Department, Dr PAUL BAPOU, and instruct him to fasting up the transfer because they have a lot of transfers they are doing. Sir, I want to inform you that you need a fax where the bank will send you the remittance form.

I am expecting your response.

Thanks,

Bali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: Regarding the remittance form

Sent: Tue, 16 Sep 2003 12:22:53

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. Dashed difficult keeping up with you two chappies, do you know that? I send you an email, your brother responds. I sent your brother an email, you respond. Making me dizzy, you know?

Anyway, glad to see that progress is being made. Your brother will be pleased too, no doubt.

Now. I have already explained, both to you and to your brother, that due to the remoteness of my house, I am not connected to the electric telephone network. I therefore do not have a telephone or a fax machine. I do all my business via email, using a satellite link devised by my neighbour. Perhaps your short-term memory has been affected by the heat over there in the Ivory Coast.

This shouldn’t present a problem. All this Bapou fella has to do is to attach the remittance form to an email and send it on to me. Much like you’ll be doing with my petition, do you see? I’ll then print it out, scan it back in and send it back, quick as a flash. Right?

So, get onto this Bapou today and get him to pull his finger out, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. How’s the petition coming along? Don’t keep me in the dark, for god’s sake man. I need it back from you sharpish.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: I’ve had nothing from Bapou yet

Sent: Tue, 16 Sep 2003 22:14:21

Alali,

I’ve had nothing through from this Bapou chap yet. Is the fella asleep or something?

Tell you what. Give me his email address and I’ll get the man moving.

Your brother won’t be pleased at this delay, I can tell you that for nothing.

Also, will you please tell me how that petition’s coming along? Feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall here sometimes.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: BIAO Bank

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: OPEN THE ATTACHED FILE TO FIND BANK REMITTANCE FORM, FILL IT AND RETURN

Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 05:24:55 -0700 (PDT)

ATTN: MR GILBERT MURRAY,

THIS IS TO BRING TO YOUR URGENT NOTICE THAT RAHIM ALALI, THE DEPOSITOR OF $120,000,000.00, HAS SUBMITTED YOUR NAME AND BANK ACCOUNT AS THE LEGITIMATE BENEFICIARY OF THE LODGED FUND AND HAS INSTRUCTED THIS BANK TO MAKE TRANSFER TO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.

WE THEREFORE REQUEST THAT YOU FILL THE FUND REMITTANCE FORM ATTACHED TO THIS MAIL AND RETURN SAME FOR ONWARD WIRE TRANSFER OF YOUR FUND BY SWIFT.

YOU ARE TO CALL THE DIRECTOR OF THE INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT ON RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL, DR PAUL BAPOU, FOR INSTRUCTIONS ON ALLOCATED LINE: +22503087678.

UPON RECEIPT OF THE FILLED REMITTANCE FORM, YOUR FUND TRANSFER PROCEDURES WILL BE CARRIED OUT AND YOU WILL EXPECT ARRIVAL AND CONFIRMATION OF YOUR WIRED FUND UNDER BANKING WORKING HOURS.

The director has informed me that they have sent you the form. Please let me know if you have returned the filled form to them.

Please also let me know if my brother has mailed you today. I have tried to send him mails today, but no response. I am worried.

Thanks,

Bali Alali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Rahim Alali

Subject: FAO Mrs Regina Koyi

Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 17:32:02

My dear Mrs Koyi,

I am in receipt of your email. Good to see your bank seems to have pulled its finger out at long last. Surprised to have been contacted by a woman, I must say. Have never held with the idea of Mrs Murray working. Need her there to tend to the house and cook and clean, etc, do you see? Mind you, assume you’re there mostly to make the tea and look decorative? No matter. Important job. Someone has to do it. Mind you don’t neglect your husband though.

Second, you seem to have the same problem with your computer as my associate Rahim Alali does – the CAPS LOCK key appears to be sticking. Here’s a tip. It’s rude to write emails ALL IN CAPITALS. Turn it off, there’s a dear. If it’s stuck, try a touch of light oil. Works wonders.

Now. To business. I am in receipt of the form you sent. Marvellous. But before I fill it in, I have a query – I’ve always been much more a man of action, and have always left form-filling to the pen-pushing underlings, so it’s not something I’m all that good at to be brutally honest. Sure you can help me out. What’s this “Swift Code” you’re after? Don’t know what to put there on the form. Never heard of it before.

Another thing. I have already explained, twice, to your colleague Alali Bali, that I am not connected to the electric telephone network, so I cannot call this Bapou fella. Would have thought Alali would have passed this information onto you. Obviously not. Most disappointing. Conduct all my business via email. Not been a problem so far, don’t anticipate it will be in this instance. Anyway, if this Bapou wants to talk to me, give him my email address. And tell him to make sure his CAPS LOCK key isn’t stuck. It’s infuriating.

Answer my query by return my dear lady, and I shall send back the form before you know it.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: The remittance form

Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 17:34:34

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. As you will already know I have received the form and have returned a small query to the bank. Will return the form as soon as I hear from them.

Not heard from your brother. Why are you worried? Are the Americans still bombing over there? Hope all is well. At least things are going swimmingly at this end.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: BIAO Bank

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT

Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 10:22:34 -0700 (PDT)

Attn: Gilbert Murray,

Be informed that this bank has no time to waste, so should you be willing to have your fund transferred to your nominated bank account, then fill in the remittance form and send immediately.

Our Secretary, Mrs Regina Koyi, sent you the bank remittance form based on instructions from the Director of the Foreign Remittance Department, Dr P Bapou, and you must abide to bank instructions for a smooth transfer of your fund.

Fill the form and let the space for the swift code remain empty as this bank will later get that from your bank since you do not know what is swift code.

It is our pleasure to inform you that we have nothing to do with your status and titles but strictly on basis of remitting your fund.

Awaiting the filled remittance form.

Thanks,

Dr Paul Bapou

Director, International Remittance Department

BIAO BANK

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Rahim Alali

Subject: Regarding your insolent email

Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 21:52:55

Bapou,

I am in receipt of your email. Do you have no manners, man? Firstly, I asked your Secretary to address me using my correct title: “Wing Commander Murray”. It is no good telling me that “we have nothing to do with your status and titles”. Plain politeness and decency dictates that one should address one’s superiors correctly. You will address me as “Wing Commander Murray” from now on, or I will finish with this business immediately.

It is also no good telling me that “this bank has no time to waste”. You, my good man, are in a decent job, living a secure life in a country with no major problems. We are trying to help a man here who is currently going through a living hell in Iraq. Don’t tell me that you have no time to waste. Compared to the suffering this man is going through, your problems are as naught. Concentrate your mind on the matters at hand, man, and less of your moaning.

Having said that, I have to thank you for clearing up the matter of the Swift Code. Message received and understood.

Now then. There is a space on this form for the signature of a “nominated legal attorney”. I have not as yet nominated a legal attorney. Should I contact one and obtain their services for this transaction before we proceed any further? I have used the services of a local lawyer, Mr Welsby, in the past, who has proved to be consistently reliable. I am sure that he would be willing to help us out in this matter and sign the form accordingly. Give me the nod, and I shall contact Welsby and get him involved immediately.

Let me know about the attorney as soon as possible and we can proceed.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: This man Bapou

Sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 21:58:41

Alali,

As you will have seen, I am in receipt of an email from your colleague, this Bapou fella. Never come across such an insolent cove in all my life. What way is this to do business?

Do us all a favour. Give this Bapou chap a rocket and tell him to mind his manners, else he is in severe danger of losing a valuable customer.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: BIAO Bank

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Sorry Sir

Sent: Thu, 18 Sep 2003 07:53:32 -0700 (PDT)

Attn: Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

This is to inform you that you should pardon us in any manner we must have addressed your personality.

Please be informed that the attorney space should be kept vacant as our accredited bank attorney will take care of that.

We then expect receiving the remittance form now to proceed wire of your fund to your nominated bank account.

With all pleasure sir, we are here to render good services to you.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation,

Management

BIAO BANK

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali; Rahim Alali

Subject: Thank you. Apology accepted

Sent: Thu, 18 Sep 2003 16:45:51

Bapou,

I am in receipt of your email. That’s more like it, man. Apology accepted. All behind us now. All friends together, that sort of thing.

Thank you for the information on what to do about the attorney. No need to contact Welsby then? Well, okay, as long as your attorney’s up to scratch. What’s the fella’s name? I must be confident that this attorney’s worth his salt before we go any further – I’m not having any old Tom Dick or Harry representing me, do you see?

Satisfy me on this point and we are in business.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Bali Alali

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Thank you. Apology accepted

Sent: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 12:19:21 +0100 (BST)

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

I received a mail from my brother’s wife informing me that Rahim is very sick and that they are having big problems. Please sir, you have to fasting this transaction. The bank have given you the form to fill, but you do not want to do so.

Please send the form and then they will tell you the next thing to do.

Thanks,

Bali

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali

Subject: Shocked to hear the news about your brother

Sent: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 12:37:54

Alali,

I am in receipt of your email. Shocked to hear your brother’s sick. What’s wrong with him, man? Is it anything serious? By god, I hope he’s got himself off to a doctor. I like your brother. My kind of chap. Send him my best, there’s a good chap.

Now what are you on about, telling me that I do not want to fill in the form? I want to move forward with this transaction as soon as possible. But before I do, I must know something about the attorney that will be representing me. Surely you can understand this. Don’t want the job going to senile old buffer or some young chick fresh out of law school.

As soon as I receive information about this lawyer I will send back the form and we can move. The hold-up is at your bank’s end, not at mine.

Have a word with that Bapou chappie, will you? Getting sick of his delays, to tell the truth.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali

Subject: What’s your problem, man?

Sent: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 12:41:42

Bapou,

Why are you delaying sending me the information I require about the lawyer?

I have just heard from Alali Bali that his brother Rahim is seriously ill. We need action, man, now more than ever.

Let’s have no more of your delays. I must know more about this lawyer fella. Get the information to me by return and I will send you the form. It is filled in and ready to be sent.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Bali Alali; Cc: BIAO Bank

Subject: Delays at the bank

Sent: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 16:35:06

Alali,

Emailed Bapou earlier today and have heard nothing back. Have they not heard of customer service at this bank of yours? I’ve told Bapou that I’ve got the form all filled in and ready to go, but I just need some reassurance on the bank’s choice of lawyer. Don’t want to place my affairs in the hands of a legal buffoon, do you see? As soon as I hear some more about the lawyer’s credentials, I shall send the form to the bank.

Not going to be able to do much over the weekend unfortunately. Going to an England for the English rally on the border with Cornwall. Planning to block a few roads and generate some publicity for our call to have Cornwall disassociated from England. Should be a good day. Might even get the chance to duff up a few of the native Cornish too if we’re lucky.

Expect to have heard from the bank by first thing Monday morning, when I shall be chasing up this business like a dog after a rabbit.

Your brother tells me you’re sick. Poor show. Sympathies, and all that. Hope it’s nothing life-threatening. Hear medicine is a bit hard to get hold of in Iraq at the moment. Trust the doctors can deal with it. What is it that’s wrong with you?

You must let me know how you are. Your brother sounds very worried about you. Castor oil and bananas. My mother used to swear by them. Took them every day of her life till she died at the ripe old age of 47. Take note.

Thought I’d cheer you up in your sickbed with a quick update on how this business with your money is going. Moving along nicely when all’s said and done, but delays from the bank are proving to be tiresome. The man I’m dealing with there, Bapou, must spend half his time asleep or fiddling with his secretary as far as I can see – he’s dashed slow at responding to banking matters. Even when I’ve impressed on him the urgency of this whole business. Asked your brother to get Bapou moving a bit faster. Hope that should do the trick.

Anyway, this Bapou chap only has to answer one question of mine about the lawyer he’s intending to use, and we’re ready to go. No response from him all of yesterday. Hoping for a response on Monday. I’ve got his form all filled out here and ready to go. So don’t you go worrying yourself over this transaction. As soon as I hear from the bank, it’s chocks away and ready for take-off.

Off to an anti-Cornish rally today with the England for the English campaign. Should be a jolly good day. Get to knock some Cornish heads together if we’re lucky. I’m driving down there with the campaign treasurer, Paddy O’Halloran. Damn decent chap. You’d like him.

Now then, this petition I sent you. Haven’t heard hide nor hair from you about it. Well, I need it back by Friday at the latest. You may be sick, but I’m sure you’re not too sick to hold a pen and sign your name. Get it back to me as soon as, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: BIAO Bank

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Contact Attorney for notarisation

Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 02:28:54 -0700 (PDT)

Attn: Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

With due respect, we the management of BIAO Bank apologise for the delay in issuing the contact details of the accredited bank attorney. Below is full contacts:

EQUITY CHAMBERS CABINET, CI

TEL: +22507891882. FAX: +22522422330

E-MAIL: equity_chambers03@yahoo.fr

CONTACT: MRS BOMA MANUEL ESQ. (Principal Attorney)

Thanks.

Management,

BIAO BANK

From: Gilbert Murray

To: BIAO Bank; Cc: Bali Alali

Subject: Many thanks for the information

Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 12:15:42

Bapou,

Many thanks for sending my the contact details of this lawyer. Surprised to see she appears to be a woman. Not sure I approve, but there you go. Modern times and all that. I shall get straight onto her, as it were, and ask her for some details of herself. As soon as she’s reassured me that she’s not some dizzy young thing with her head in the clouds, I will send you your completed form.

You’ll be pleased to hear that my anti-Cornish rally this weekend went splendidly. We blocked the main road between England and Cornwall and handed out a good many leaflets for the England for the English campaign. The police turned up after an hour or so, but it was all fairly good-humoured, and I managed to get the boot into a few of the locals when the police chappies were looking the other way. Damn successful. Made the papers and everything.

Has your colleague Alali Bali asked you to sign that petition I sent him, by the way? If not, ask him to give it to you. All in a good cause and so forth. Could you let him know I need it back by Friday as well? Good show.

Will get back to you presently once the lawyer’s satisfied my concerns.