5 Things Every Married Man Should Do Around Single Women- The Smackdown

I read this article yesterday and at first glance I was so frustrated I nearly ripped out half of my hair. Then I read the comments thread beneath it and just about lost hope for all of Christendom. And we can’t let that happen. So a rebuttal seemed in order. Of course, no decently articulate rebuttal is complete without memes and footnotes[1]. Ergo:

This writer is concerned about Christian men preserving their marriages

So he comes up with five things men should always (his words) do around single women to safeguard said marriages

He then lists his five things men should always do, which are (again in his words): keep your ring on, hang up pictures of your wife at work, keep eye contact simple and short, keep conversation general and professional, talk about your wife and family often.

1.) The writer is concerned about men maintaining healthy marriages. Wonderful. So am I.

2.) He mentions men should wear their wedding rings and he alludes to the fact that this is a sign of the covenant between a man and woman. Which is good. Kudos.

3.) The writer calls on men to lead in relationships, however vague a notion that may be…. okay, okay. Ephesians 5, I see you.

4.) I really appreciated his tip about having a photo in one’s work space, which is of a “happy” time. Find your happy place with your wife, good stuff.

5.) No typos. I respect that. Seeing as a majority of the things I post often times luuk lyke dizZzz (but more commas).

6.) Oh, the name of the blog it was originally posted on is called “Manturity”. I like it. I’m always up for a pun.

7.) Lastly, he listed some Bible verses to “support” his points. Scratch that, they were all out of context.

Annnndddd that just about sums it up. I’m sure the article was written with the best of intentions but there’s a lot of roads to Florida, I mean- hell, paved with those. Good intentions don’t excuse awful theology. [3]

Certainly. But rather than just launch on a rabbit trail of disorganized objections let me present you with three (semi)coherent objections.

1) The Attack on Single Women

Let’s start with the title shall we? The fact that this author singles out “single” women

Two can play this game…

starts him off on the wrong foot. If women are a threat to one’s marriage (which they aren’t) then it’s not just single women. In fact according to recent studies married women are just as likely to have an affair as married men.[4] Even if statistics didn’t back up that point[5] the logic behind single women being the primary threat is just plain void. If men are in danger of cheating so much that such drastic measures have to be taken, then so are married women. And thus any author of an article such as this one should at least have the decency to remove “single” from the title.

No, not at all. Because the point of this article was incredibly dehumanizing and (I’m just going to say it) sexist. What this article does is play right into the pornographic culture that claims everyone is a sexual being first and foremost and, ergo, every single woman who isn’t reigned in by a husband is probably on the prowl and going to vault herself onto the first man who seems willing.

If the author was truly convinced that single woman in his office are automatically a threat to one’s marriage, then he should have the wherewithal to take his head out of the ground and realize that succumbing to this type of logic requires that one’s guard be up against all women, not just single women.

Then again, such logic leads straight to:

2 ) The Objectification/Dehumanization Of Women

This builds of my previous point that the author seems to have a general distrust of women and views them entirely as sexual threats.[6] But his advice in this article is astoundingly atrocious:

“keep eye contact simple and short”

“keep conversation professional and general”

Yes, because heaven forbid you realize the woman you are talking to has feelings. Heaven forbid you realize the women you are talking to has needs for friendship and community. Heaven forbid you actually ask your co-worker something about how you can be praying for them, how their day is going or- I dunno- something beyond “do you have the 1059A report!?” (eyes downcast). And by all means, heaven forbid you realize that your co-worker is anything other than a sexual deviant who can’t wait for the chance to rip your clothes off and your marriage in two.

And what about the line: “The single women you engage with each day, if you have to…”[7]. Oh, yea. If you have to speak to these sub-human beings…then here’s how you handle it. If you have to go out of your way and address them, if you absolutely, no f%$&# way around it, must talk to a single woman, spray yourself down with Lysol, don your chastity belt and then go in. What the hell, better yet, I think I can get you that suit from The Hurt Locker:

Yep, you’re set. But heaven help you if you look them in eye. They can sense weakness. And fear.

Maybe I should apologize for being so rash. But this is the thing that really gets me. I mean for heavens sake, treat women, treat everyone, like human beings.

Unless you have Bible verses to back it up….which…oh! here we go:

3) The Egregious Use of Bible Verses to Support Said Points

So confession. I wasn’t quite sure what “egregious” meant but I was pretty sure it fit the context. In case you’re in the same boat as me, here’s the definition:

Speaking of “context”, that’s another word this author probably should understand before he uses Bible verses to support his claims.

For instance, to support his point that men “should keep eye contact short and simple” he pointed readers to Matthew 5:28: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. Okay, uh, I get it if your point is “keep your practice runs of x-ray vision to a minimum with women other than your wife”.

But it’s not.

He’s saying avoid eye contact, which has absolutely nothing to do with lusting. In fact, if you want to realize the humanity of another person, if you want to enable yourself to see them as a human being with a soul, then eye contact is probably the best thing you can do.

Furthermore, this passage falls in the middle of the Sermon on the Mount. And what does he sum up this teaching with?

“So in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12)

“As you would have them do unto you”. You know…like treat them like human beings. Look ‘em in the eye. Ask ‘em about their day. Stuff like that. I dunno. Whatever.

But okay. Maybe that was just a slip up. Maybe he had a deadline and wanted to support his points with Biblical data like a good evangelical so he grabbed a Concordance, flipped to “Lust” and wa-la! We’ll give him that.

But then under his point “keep conversation short and professional” he cited:

‘Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.” (Romans 6:13)

Again, this is so blatantly out of context I’m not even sure where to begin. And this article is long enough as it is. But let me just say this: Paul is writing about life in Christ as opposed to death in Adam (synonymous for sin). Leading up to this verse he is appealing to the Romans to pursue a life that isn’t controlled by sin…which this author somehow equates with asking a single woman in the office if she had a good weekend. Furthermore, when viewed in context and when the audience of this letter is taken into consideration one would learn that Roman Christians were actually counter-cultural for the way they valued singleness and single women, an ironic oversight on this author’s part.[8]

The point is, I am not the only person who (though I am now married) can remember at some point in my single life being treated like a fencepost by married Christian couples. There were moments in my interactions with married people that I literally wanted to scream:

And I’m a male. And I can pull my head out of the ground long enough to realize there are some double standards in the church: one of them being the disregard we tend to have for single females.[9]

Members of the church, how can such actions be justified?

Look, I’m a married man. I get it. Protecting my marriage is a high priority and I am all for someone who is helping other men do as much. And it isn’t easy in today’s society. To clear up any misconceptions please let me make this clear: I am not attempting to demonize the writer of this article, and I am sorry if any of my comments have come across as vicious.[10]

But my marriage is supposed to be reflective of Christ and the church; my marriage is supposed to make single people feel welcomed into a community that has historically embraced celibacy and singleness, not felt threatened by it. Furthermore, if you treat other humans like objects in your own mind that’s quickly what they will become; and don’t think your objectification of women will not affect your relationship with your wife.

Do I have long dinner conversations with women (single or married)? No. Do I have women over to my apartment when my wife isn’t home? Yea…uh…no. Do I flirt with women? Absolutely not. Do I take off my wedding ring? Only when rock climbing (have you ever caught your ring in a finger hold? #hurtslikehell) and water-tubing (because that’s how everyone loses it). And only with my wife’s knowledge and permission.

But do I look women in the eye and treat them, if Christians, like sisters in an eternal kingdom and family and if not with the warm and accepting nature of Christ towards the woman at the well? Yes, or at least I try.

Do I acknowledge that I am a brother and a co-heir in the kingdom of Christ, that Christian is my primary identity and husband falls within that not above it? Most certainly.

Do I acknowledge that marriage is a temporary and worldly institution, one that ends with death and that if I shun and treat every single woman I encounter day-to-day like the Samaritan on the side of the road, then I could have some potentially awkward and “shoot I’m sorry” reunions for, uh, all eternity in heaven? Absolutely. Whole heartedly:[11]

There are different ways to make single women feel valued and none of them, I guarantee you, require breaking up your marriage. Talk with your spouse and see what they’re comfortable with. If I know of a single woman at work that I want to reach out to, I often tell my wife about her and we (note the emphasis) have her over for coffee. Pretty soon she’s talking more to my wife than she is to me. But she knows that I don’t treat her like a threat. She knows that in me she has a brother in the kingdom of Christ. If she’s not a Christian, she knows there’s something different about me because I’ve allowed her into our home to see the way I value my wife up close and personal. If I treat my wife like a human being too, then this woman will see and respect the boundaries we have in our marriage and value us for them.

You can be on your guard without dehumanizing other people and playing into the lie of our overly sexualized society. The answer is not sequestering single woman but establishing a marriage that reflects the kingdom of God in every day and age. The answer is not exclusion but inclusion. The answer is one that values everyone no matter their walk of life and meets them there.

The answer is in our calling as Christians first and foremost and the blessed calling as husbands and wives we find within that.

[1] Which, like any half decent graduate student, I will use to make comments I simply couldn’t excuse including in the rebuttal.

[2] Despite my potentially deceptive tone, I’m not being sarcastic here. I truly thought these were good aspects of the article. All six of ‘em.

[3] DISCLAIMER: I bear no ill will or grudge towards the author of this article. I’m sure he’s a good guy with a good heart. The pacifist in me felt the need to say that.

In the ancient world, women had very limited power over their own well-being. They couldn’t inherit estates, own wealth and often times were unemployable. Their value depended on their fathers and then on their husbands and, as a last resort, on their sons. A single woman with no sons was in big trouble; this is what makes the story of Ruth such a powerful one. Ruth chose poverty and almost certain death to remain loyal to her mother in law; as a result she was not only provided for but found a place in the lineage of Christ.

Ergo, early Christians were a threat to the Roman Empire because of many things, one of which being the fact that they valued singleness; women didn’t have to be married to participate, live and thrive in their communities. This led to a breakdown in family structure and a lack of trust placed in the empire and worldly security. Instead, trust was placed in Christ. They were counter cultural in their love and acceptance of single woman and the way they treated them not as merely objects or wives but as valuable participants in the kingdom of Heaven.

Contrary to this today, articles like this sequester singles and label them as threats to our the sanctity of marriage, which suddenly has a higher importance than the God-given role of the Church. The author of this article sounds more like the Roman culture than the Roman Christians he associates himself with in citing Paul’s letter.

For more on this: see S.K. Johnson’s pending thesis: Singleness and the Early Church. I can get you a copy if needed.

[9] If you don’t believe me. Read the comment thread on this article. A single female raised similar objections to mine and was told, rather abrasively, that she was taking this “too personally”. They might as well have attempted to cite the Biblical passage “speak only when spoken too” (note: not actually in the Bible, more sarcasm)

[10] I mean it. Truly. If my sarcasm denotes anything other than sincere critique, I apologize.

[11] Do I take excessive liberty in the realm of run-on sentences? Yes.

You’re probably not shocked that I’m commenting on this…I should be up front in saying that I am a single woman in the church, so anything I say will be through that lens. It makes me sad that this opinion is still held in the church. Women have been demonized (too strong?) for centuries (Milton, anyone?), and I had hoped that we’d moved past this. I guess responses like yours, though enraged (or maybe because they’re enraged? 🙂 are proof that not everyone believes women – and single women especially – are mere snares in men’s path to holiness.

Mostly, I think people don’t know what to do with “single women.” Wed them? Bed them? Put them out to pasture? We’re an anomaly, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have every human’s desire for decent conversation that doesn’t revolve around the office.

I like this a lot, it has some great points in the end about how marriage is not the end-all-beat-all, and you’re right: Jesus said that in Heaven, there are no marriages. And I particularly liked the line about how you are a Christian first and how “husband” falls somewhere within that larger word. Good job, bro.