King’s County had its own special appeal to him that won out in the end:

Stavros Gianottis. Stavros loved to hum catchy little jigs and reels. When asked who wrote them, he’d just grin smugly and say “Oh, you’ve probably never heard of them.” He then moved to Brooklyn on his 24th birthday and was never seen in these parts again.

Cassius had a habit of getting roaring drunk and vociferously quoting Revelation. It was not uncommon to see him with a bottle of Rye in one hand and a King James Bible in the other on Friday and Saturday nights.

Granny Feldspar was the area’s women’s arm wrestling champ. While the local clergy railed against her as being ‘unnatural’, suffragettes lauded her. That is until she punched out one Susan B. Anthony in a heated argument.

Great Aunt Ida was a founding member of the local Polar Bear Club. She swore by those brisk swims, and they may have been something to it as she was 122 when this picture was taken. She died 6 years later not from old age but from an errant current that swept or downstream to her end.

William “Brute” Brody was the town bully. But one glorious day, he got his:

William “Brute” Brody was the town bully. He especially enjoyed picking fights with the local Amish boys since he knew they wouldn’t fight back. Then one day, he mistakenly picked a fight with a young Hasid passing through. As chance would have it, this young Hasid had been the wrestling champion of his shtetl back in the Ukraine. The look on Brody’s face as he went flying through the air was priceless.

The holidays are a time for family, even the ones that are a bit off. Gwendolyn Durchfallen is one such example:

Gwendolyn was, to put it gently, as mad as a hatter. At first glance, many passersby would comment on her pensive stare. What they didn’t know is that she was trying to set their hair on fire with her mind. Candlelight dinners with her around were always…entertaining.

Second Cousin Once Removed (and Twice Disowned) Philbert “Smilin’ Phil” Hardmeat wasn’t the most fun relative to be around, but he’s worth mentioning all the same.

Second Cousin, Once Removed Philbert “Smilin’ Phil” Hardmeat wasn’t the jolliest guy. This had to do with his unfortunate constipation issues. Even worse, we discovered these issues (and his shrieking night terrors, we believe) were caused by a parasitic twin who parked himself just behind Philbert’s duodenum.

So, what I’m trying to say is don’t forget to get a colonoscopy as you get older. Don’t be a “Smilin’ Phil”, ok?

As we close in on the end of the year, it’s natural to think of those who have passed. It with that in mind that I present to you Great Uncle Milton’s children, the unfortunate Herman and Imogene Feldspar:

Herman Feldspar

Imogene Feldspar

In hindsight, buying a house next to a bog wasn’t the best idea considering how curious Herman and Imogene were. One April morning, they quietly slipped out the backdoor and that was the last anyone ever saw of them.

Happy post-Thanksgiving. In the spirit of all things filial, let’s take a look at dear old Auntie Lucretia:

We all thought Auntie Lucretia would live out her days as a spinster until she met and rapidly married a smooth-talking Hungarian noble named Laszlo. We found out he was actually a Savoyard grifter named Giuseppe a year later when he was arrested for trying to barter her for two donkeys and a wooden cart.

Yesiree, folks, when I look back upon my forbearers and their contemporaries, I am duly impressed. These were hardy sorts, and they deserve to be remembered. Come, let us look back fondly and give them their due:

Great grand-uncle Milton Feldspar’s favorite hobby was competing in mustache-growing contests. He kept winning, and before he knew it, he made it all the to the World Mustache Championship in London, England. He won. Being a deeply religious man, he publicly thanked the Good Lord Jesus for his victory. Two weeks later, the runner-up began writing Thus Spoke Zarathustra.