Everything You Need to Know About Being Emotionally Unavailable

Do You Struggle to Open Up in Relationships? Read This

A man is tough. He doesn’t back down, isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, can take care of himself and provide for others.

Contemporary society has spent so many years drumming this kind of messaging into little boys’ heads that it’s hardly surprising that for many men, there isn’t much of a vision of what (or who) they can be outside of that.

That’s a problem when it comes to relationships, particularly romantic ones, where openness, honesty, communication, and an ability to be vulnerable are so important.

The end result is generations of men who are so-called emotionally unavailable: not capable of opening up and truly sharing themselves with those closest to them, and quick to dismiss the emotional reactions of others as “crazy” or unwarranted.

If that sounds like you or someone you know, keep reading. Being emotionally unavailable isn’t a life sentence — it’s something that, with some effort and the right attitude, can be broken down and conquered.

1. What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable?

Being emotionally unavailable is certainly not an implication that a person is incapable of feeling emotions, but rather, that they’re emotionally closed off, at least in some aspects of their lives.

Often it’s something that’s brought up in a dating context, when a man has trouble expressing his emotions in what he does and/or says, or simply seems not to have any emotions at all.

However, there’s more to emotional unavailability than just a struggle to be romantic, cautions therapist and dating and relationship coach Lauren Korshak, MFT.

“Emotional unavailability is a tricky thing, because often it presents itself differently than you might imagine. An emotionally unavailable man may present as extremely forthcoming and interested, and may even say, ‘I love you’ or allude to it to his potential partner,” says Korshak.

“The emotional unavailability becomes apparent when something difficult that requires commitment arises in the relationship. This may be a first or second conflict or disappointing his partner deeply,” she continues. “Before the emotionally unavailable man knows it, he has made a mental decision that this relationship isn't right, and is already thinking that he can frontload the difficulty by breaking up so that he can find someone who won't create this feeling inside him.”

“Men know that if they acknowledge certain feelings, it opens them up to being hurt and/or ridiculed. By showing emotion — saying the words or making romantic gestures — they can and will be rejected,” Doares explains. “Somewhere along the line, they have been taught that stepping out of the ‘Man Box’ is unsafe, that it's better to hold it all in rather than risk being seen as weak.”

If you’re feeling a tiny bit attacked right now, that may be because emotional unavailability is largely something men are seen as failing at by women, rather than other men, for whom emotional walls are the norm. What that can mean is that it can be a tricky subject to discuss (and for men to make progress on) if they feel attacked right off the bat.

“Women, because traditionally they have been allowed to access all of their emotions, seem to be the determiner of whether a man is or is not emotionally available,” notes Doares. “This leads to men being criticized as wrong or judged as being afraid of commitment or some other form of labeling. This is not an invitation to open up more. It has the opposite effect of shutting them down.”

That’s not the only issue at play, of course. As Julie Williamson, LPC, NCC, RPT of Abundant Life Counseling notes, emotionally unavailable men might struggle with that kind of conversation specifically because of their emotional struggles.

“When we avoid our most difficult feelings, other secondary emotions may surface. For example, if someone feels deep shame, they may experience anger every time something touches that sense of shame, no matter how small that something may be, says Williamson.

“When we shut out our own deepest emotions, we are unavailable to join with others in their own deep emotions.”

2. Where Does Emotional Unavailability Come From?

As with many issues relating to men and masculinity, where emotional unavailability comes from is a complex question, and it won’t be the same for every person. However, it’s hard not to point a finger at the way contemporary Western culture teaches young boys to be men.

“Many men have not been raised to value their emotional selves,” says therapist Jor-El Caraballo, co-creator of Viva Wellness. “The ‘man up or shake it off’ attitude is rampant in many cultures in an effort to build strong, resilient boys and men. The problem is that for people who are socialized as boys, this is reinforced over and over again with friends, teachers, etc.”

As Caraballo notes, those socialized as girls receive a much different emotional education — and the results show.

“[They’re] generally given many more opportunities to tap into their internal emotional lives and share feelings with others. This is reinforced from parental reactions to injury (boys: shake it off vs. girls: gaining comfort) down to the type of play that we stereotypically allow for the sexes (active play for boys such as wrestling, etc., creative/relationship-centered play — like tea parties — for girls).”

“Culturally speaking, men are conditioned to believe that there really is only one acceptable emotion for men to express outside of joy/happiness: anger,” says Roman. “I believe that’s because we are conditioned to believe that, at the very least, anger is a demonstration of strength, and the majority of the other ‘negative’ or ‘lovey’ emotions equate to weakness.”

It doesn’t have to be the case, though. “Thankfully,” notes Roman, “this is changing and evolving in our culture today, but there is still a significant equation between ‘showing emotions’ and ‘weakness’ that make it hard for men to be more expressive with their emotions. It is more culturally appropriate for women to express a wider range of emotions, and therefore different expectations are placed on different genders.”

If your whole childhood is spent getting good at intellectual, creative, or physical pursuits but there’s never an emphasis placed on emotional intelligence, it makes perfect sense that you’d struggle with those areas later on in life. They’re not, after all, just skills that magically appear.

“If [a boy] was not taught how to express himself openly or he felt oppressed when he relayed an opinion or an emotional outburst, it will usually carry over into his adulthood,” says Susan McCord, host of the dating/relationship show Dear SyberSue.

“Some men feel very exposed when showing any type of feeling, especially if they were emotionally squashed as a child or in a past relationship. When it comes to matters of the heart in this type of scenario, romantic connections and commitment issues can become a big problem. He just doesn't know what to do.”

This can manifest itself in various ways in your life. Emotionally unavailable men often have no issue becoming quite successful in many areas of their lives, but struggle to make or retain genuine connections when it comes to their love lives.

“As a result of our conditioning, we become afraid to express and get in touch with our emotions. We therefore lose touch with our emotions and don’t understand them when they’re present, so we become afraid of them and keep them stuffed or hidden behind anger, work, addictions, and other behaviors that allow us to keep our emotions hidden,” says Roman. “When the person we are dating tries to bring them out, it feels too vulnerable and triggers many fears related to appearing weak, and because we don’t fully understand them, it’s easier to hide away.”

3. If You Are Emotionally Unavailable, How Can You Fix It?

The first thing it’s worth noting is that, insofar as emotional guardedness and unavailability is often a coping mechanism — a sort of emotional self-defense — that usually crops up when you’re relatively young, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

“If this is you, please know it isn't something to feel ashamed or guilty about,” says Dominey Drew, a life coach and consultant.

“If you shut down your emotions at a young age, which is usually when these things happen, you had a very good reason to do so. And 'very good reason' here means very good reason to your system as a child, not to your adult mind now. So be aware of self-judgment or punishment.”

Once you’ve come to terms with any aspects of guilt or shame, it’s worth trying to think about how you can undo some of the work that you’ve done over the years to erect this emotional barricade.

For many guys, that means going to see a professional — a therapist, a counselor, a psychologist — who can help them work through the issue as well as come to terms with the circumstances (and possibly, trauma) that led them to this place.

A therapist is “someone who can help give them perspective and help them understand their emotions so they can reduce any fear or misunderstandings of their emotions, and feel more comfortable expressing them,” says Roman.

Of course, the work doesn’t begin and end at the door to the therapist’s office. As Williamson notes, “It will also require practicing vulnerability and opening up to those we're in relationships with in order to develop and deepen connection.”

That’ll mean difficult conversations, opening up in ways that might feel uncomfortable at first, and working to act and respond differently than you have been so far when it comes to the closeness between you and your loved one. It might not be easy, but if you stick with it, it can be immensely rewarding.

Whatever you do, however, don’t confuse a partner accusing you of being emotionally unavailable for a sign that they’re wrong for you, necessarily.

“The answer lies not in changing your external circumstances (i.e., looking for a better fit relationship or someone who won't trigger you) but in doing the inner work to mature and commit to a relationship,” says Korshak.

“This means,” she notes, “look honestly at the emotional reaction that came up inside you. Study it. Recognize your own fear of disappointing someone and where that comes from, and your own fear of being abandoned if someone is upset with you. Start to look at and understand where you use avoidance as a coping mechanism to deal with complicated feelings.”

As Korshak says, the solution is to have some humility about the situation and really own your relationship to emotion and avoidance. If you’re prepared to do that, the possibility for positive growth is definitely there.

“Look inside to change the problem and get the necessary support to do so. Don't look outside to change something that can only be solved by looking inside. Don't turn to the next relationship [...] to try to grow until you have a better understanding of yourself,” Korshak cautions. “Instead, do the inner work. It can be helpful to start therapy, join a men's group, and start doing personal growth work.”

4. If Your Partner’s Emotionally Unavailable, What Can You Do?

If you’re in a long-term relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable — regardless of gender, because men aren’t the only ones who can struggle with this — it can be trying.

The real issue, however, will usually not be the emotional unavailability itself, but rather the person’s willingness to acknowledge and confront it. That could be a tall order for some people, but if your partner says that they care about you, working on this together can be something you explicitly ask for.

Regardless, your odds of working through this today are probably better than they would have been in the past, as a better understanding of male mental health and a comfort with things traditionally seen as non-masculine become more accepted by contemporary men.

“It's been my experience as a therapist, especially as times are changing, that many men want to be emotionally aware and available but lack the skills to do so,” says Caraballo. “Many men don't have a nuanced understanding of what language to use even or how anger might feel differently than annoyance or frustration.”

That’s why it’s important to make sure that you’re not judgmental when confronting your partner’s emotional issues, but try to recognize this as something that they struggle with and need help with, rather than a character flaw.

“The most important step is creating a safe space for those feelings to be expressed verbally to another person. If you want to help your partner, your approach is critical,” says Doares.

“Asking open-ended questions in a non-judgmental tone is important,” she advises. “Let your partner set the pace. Manage your own emotions, especially any hard ones like disappointment or frustration. Be willing to model what it looks like to be emotionally available. Also, be willing to accept your partner will do it differently from you.”

It’s also worth noting that men aren’t the only ones who project confining gender ideals onto men — sometimes, women do it too. If you’re a woman dating a man, Roman says, there might be things you can do to help your partner’s growth.

“Check in with yourself: Do you have dual expectations of them? Many times, a woman wants her man to both be emotionally available and strong at the same time,” says Roman. “And sometimes, they may be sending different messages to the man, like, ‘It’s OK to be vulnerable, but you better be strong and protect me and not show any weakness in doing that.’ It can be confusing for men to receive those messages because they’re often subliminal and unconscious.”

In any case, regardless of how the two of you deal with it between you, as with managing your own emotional unavailability, helping someone else deal with theirs is often best achieved with the help of therapy or counseling. Speaking to someone who’s a professional in these matters can make a huge difference, whether as a couple or your partner seeing someone solo.

“This is often a difficult thing for some men to do and they would rather stay in denial than admit to needing any form of professional help,” says McCord. However, “Being emotionally available is so important in a long-term relationship, and a strong communication is the glue to keeping a couple connected.”

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