feel like a fraud

05-26-2011, 01:57 AM

I sometimes feel like an AP fraud... so in to it and agree with it and had studied attachment and neuroscience even before i was a mother and saw the impact of early attachment rships on children, as they develop etc etc...

ANyway, with all these good intentions... baby wearing, breast feeding (still at 2 yrs 9 mnths) co-sleeping, positive disc - where possible, etc etc...child led stufff really.
I mean, I shudder when I see kids shouted out or put in their strollers abruptly and strapped in while crying or talked down to and feel pain when they are left crying or shouted out for tantruming. Yet, sometimes I feel such a negativity with my daughter, when she seems to be whinging and whinning etc... some days, it just gets me!!!

She has a pretty good nightime routine and we just night weaned and that had some dramatic moments, which I think I dealt with well. She is usually in bed between 7-8.15pm and up around 6/6.30 am... well, sometimes, when she is fighting sleep or jumping all over the bed, it just winds me up. I wrote recently about that... will I ever learn??

Then, this morning, she had a morning feed at 5am.. I thought, for sure, she'd sleep till 6 am or longer, but was up at 5.20 and I was in her face - again! saying ' you better not be whinning later when you're tired", I was sounding like a bitter, nasty mother and I then walked downstairs angrily with her in my arms, sat her on the counter - which we often do, as she 'helps' me make tea and we have a little cookie with the tea. I said "sit there, and don't move!" angrily again and she started crying.... before that, she was more perplexed and I think, thought I was playing. Anyway..... I automatically cuddled and kissed her and apologised and expressed that I was worried she'd be tired and that I was tired and I was hoping we could sleep longer etc...

I seem to be getting a cycle and just thrown when the 'routine' in thrown and judging of myself. I am a single mother... lots of support from friends and family and she is wonderful - a v sensitive, aware and bright child.

Where in the 8 Principles did you read that you are supposed to be a perfect mother, person? This parenting journey is no place for perfection. You need to hug yourself, learn from your mistakes--which will make you a better mother anyway--and get back to the business of enjoying your trip with your daughter. It may benefit you to accept that you are going to make mistakes-daily, and big ones. Decide to do the best you can, where you can. Lots of hugs to you!

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.. too true. I think, that although I have never spanked - I am sometimes doing the grabbing physically thing, not hard, but abruptly and angrily - that is what bothers me the most - and angry walk in my arms - if that makes sense...? I need to stop this. It happens in an instance. My Mum thinks I have a hormonal thing going on.. because it always happens every 4 weeks, for about 24 hrs I feel like I am going completely mad!!! and have no control...

any tips? advice? etc etc...

do not, do not want to be a bitchy Mum

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Thank you so much for your honest post. I often feel the EXACT same way when I get angry with my son and respond in a similar way that you describe; grabbing him, telling him I am fed up, responding with a tone that makes me cringe immediately after I use it....(not so) coincidentally, these sorts of reactions are most common in the week or so leading up to my menstrual cycle, and during it. I immediately feel terrible, and feel that I am the worst mother in the world for responding this way. I too kiss, cuddle, and apologize to him, and explain to him that mummy is tired/hungry, or just grouchy that day, but I still spend the rest of the day or even longer thinking about how awful my behaviour was and feeling that I have somehow damaged him or our attachment. I reflect a lot on how I could have handled things differently, and find that just taking some time to myself when he does go to sleep to recharge really helps me; even if it is only half an hour of just sitting on the couch and watching horrible reality television. I'm afraid I don't have any insightful advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling/acting this way, and that truthfully, I don't think that these occasional instances of 'un-AP' like behaviour make us 'frauds', and certainly don't make us any less wonderful in the mothering department, in the same way that the occasional tantrum or unreasonable behaviour from our kids make them any less wonderful.

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If you believe there is a hormonal issue, then definitely talk to your doctor. I have personally found a lot of help in that department through a chiropractor. But regardless, I think it's helpful to take the times when you act unbecoming and use them to develop empathy for your child. If, as an adult, you get cranky when there are physical factors, then imagine how a child acts when they are dealing with hunger, tiredness, etc. It puts you in your child's shoes and gives you the understanding that is so important when helping them through difficult times. Just a long way of saying, turn your mistakes into teaching tools.

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Yes, I do the whole reflecting and feeling terrible the rest of the day/night. I reflect, constantly! on what I could do differently, but usually around certain times, that I sieve out all the 'good' 'positive' things I've done, to make myself feel better. I hug my daughter to bits and apologize immediately etc.... it is such a quick thing when it happens. I agree, sleep, rest and time out for myself really really helps. The afternoons after her nursery mornings are the best afternoons, cos' I've had 4.5 hrs to myself and she loves it there and the carers. So... I need to have more 'me' time. I am a lone parent, but even with my hubby, I had these moments, and now, at least the toxicity of our r.ship isn't also there as well.

Paxmamma - your response is fantastic as always! xxx

Appreciate.

I got a Maya hug yesterday and much loving time together & we do a lot together; hunt for shells on the beach, colour, have cups of tea and cookies, paint, make things, sneak in a movie too !

...and, last night, she even slept 7.30-4.00 am and then again until. 5.40 - so, there you go... there are beautiful moments too.

Thank You Mammas! xx

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Reggie22 I understand exactly where you're coming from too. I think we all are trying to hard to be the perfect mum, when our children too need to understand that we are not and we have too have patience limits. I am worried about being a 'shouty mama' at the moment, and know what you mean about feeling like a fraud. I too hate it when I see other mamas shouting or being gruff with their kids, but it's so easy to judge from a distance, when you're in it something takes over and you just react how you do. You're doing your best and if you freak out 5% of the time this is not going to do your little girl any harm. But yes reflecting on what happened and becoming better from it is important. I suppose it's the stages aspect too, there are so many different stages to go through, some amazing, some extremely challenging. Not sure I'm adding much to this thread, just to say I know where you're at and it's good to read about other wonderfully imperfect mamas out there! xxx