Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Micro Bouclé Sheath Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Happy Monday! Even though I’m usually against “personality necklines” I’m liking the intriguing U-shaped neckline and high neck here. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels authoritative yet youthful. The bouclé fabric adds a bit more substance (though it means this is probably a spring/fall dress rather than dead-of-summer), and perhaps helps explain the price: it’s $895. St. John Collection Micro Bouclé Sheath Dress

Two lower-priced options are here and here; two plus-size options are here and here.

Comments

I did a quick sort of clothes that had been in boxed away, filling two grocery bags to drop off at charity shop en route to brunch. When I got home, I got everything out of boxes and the wardrobe and sorted and put away. I then did the dresser drawers individually as they were in categories (t-shirts, workout clothes, pjs, socks, undies and tights). I discarded 60-70 items and everything fits neatly in the wardrobe and dresser with some room to spare. I’ve tucked away one box of clothes that are a bit too small but still joy sparking and will go through them once my dissertation is out of the way and life is slightly back to normal. I suspect I’ll discard a bit more over the coming weeks.

I then opened my Uniqlo order and was able to use my newly honed joy-meter (and sent it all back!)

I’m a recovering bargain shopper (the type who would buy a not-quite-right shirt because it was on clearance and what kind of monster says no to a $7 shirt?) and I’m slowly learning to only purchase (and keep) clothes that REALLY fit–right now, not 10 lbs from now or after a stomach flu–and make me feel good.

Right now, that means my wardrobe is tiny. And yet, I ALWAYS have something to wear and getting dressed isn’t a “good enough: experience; everything looks nice!

Forgive me if I’m confusing you with someone else, but you’re plus-size, right? Growing up (I’ve always been a size 14-20), my mom (also a plus) instilled this idea that “if it fits, you buy it and keep it forever.” I’ve got a closet full of stuff, about 20% I truly enjoy wearing. And I have B-A-G-S of “used to fit” clothes (mostly smaller, some larger) that I’ve schlepped around the last 7 years. How do you get rid of it??? Whenever I decide I want to get rid of it, a tiny voice in my head says “but it’s only 10 lbs away!” or “what if you can’t find something like this again when you are this size? then you’re throwing away something you could use.” AUGH!

In the immortal words of Elsa, LET IT GO, LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! What you need is a brutally honest friend who will have a louder voice than the tiny one in your head and your mom’s voice. Put on tights and a tank and try everything on in front of him/her. Let them judge.

Here’s the thing though. When/if you lose 10, 20, or 30 lbs are you really going to want to wear 7 year old out of style clothes? No. Clearly you are immediately going to buy all new clothes in celebration. Save a sentimental special occasion item or two and store the rest of your aspirationally sized wardrobe at the store.

Yes, this is what I have learned. I was so excited when I finally got back down to my pre-pregnancy size after kid #1 (it took almost 2 years) – and I pulled out all my old clothes and HATED them, because since most were a few years old before I got pregnant. The styles were all dated, and my body shape had shifted just enough that none of it was flattering anymore.

Now I keep one pair of “skinny” pants to be able to play the “do I fit into my pants from X years ago” and the rest are gone. For the handful of things I can’t quite bring myself to get rid of, I put in a tote, with a date of 6 months from now. If the items don’t fit in that 6 months timeframe, they need to go.

Get rid of them! That’s an essential part of the Konmari method. Don’t let bags of unused stuff sit around taking up space, because you might wear them one day or might get around to donating them one day. Get rid of them immediately.

Eh, I would encourage people to actually donate the stuff. No one seems to talk about the fact that the Konmari method leads to a lot of wasted materials, which is bad for the environment. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need in the first place, don’t punish yourself forever by hanging onto things you shouldn’t have bought in the first place, and donate/recycle whatever you can.

I personally feel like I have an obligation to dispose of things as responsibly as possible — so if it’s clothing, I either donate it or take it to a textile recycling place; if it’s electronics, I take it to an electronics recycling place, etc. I’m a huge de-clutter person but I am trying to be more mindful of the fact that I have a responsibility to dispose of things in the most environmentally-friendly way possible. The thought of having to drag more stuff to these recycling places has actually helped me to cut down on buying stuff I don’t really need in the first place. But the whole Konmari thing sort of feels like the inevitable result of an endlessly consuming culture — just another way to eliminate some of the accountability by giving us justifications for why it’s okay to toss stuff without any thought to how it could be reused.

Yup, I’m the plus-sized girl :). Look, I’ve dieted, I’ve starved, and still I end up at the size 16-18 range (I have Celiacs, so if gluten sneaks into my diet, I can bloat and literally gain 10 lbs overnight).

I used to hard the smaller clothes for “one day” and wouldn’t buy nice clothes because I wanted to save my money for a smaller-sized wardrobe. But I did a wardrobe “project” where I took a picture of my outfits every day for 3 months (this was to convince me to come up with new combinations, but it had side benefits). I was the same darn size throughout those 3 months, and am not likely to magically shrink. Being honest with myself and buying clothes that fit who I am NOW has been a nice breakthrough for me.

And if I DO one day magically lose the weight, I’ll take that as an opportunity for shopping sprees.

KT – as a fellow celiac i justwant to comment on the difficulty of loosing weight. Were you diagnosed as a kid or as an adult and does that affect your ability to lose weight? I’ve seen this talked about on celiac message boards but it’s always surprising to me how much celiac has messed up my system.

Glad to know there are other Celiacs around. Just this morning I was bemoaning 9 lbs of bloat as I was getting dressed, since I was less than diligent over the weekend. Obviously I’m not KT, but I was diagnosed as an adult (at 29, and my diagnosis lead to my 65 year old father also being diagnosed – he’d been miserable for years and thought his symptoms were just a part of getting older). Personally, I don’t feel like the disease interferes with my ‘real’ weight but even eating something with minute cross-contamination can add 10 pounds of bloat weight and casue my pants not to fit for a week.

I was diagnosed as an adult. I don’t think it affects my ability to lose weight; I just know that if I have any gluten, I blow up like a balloon over-night; I can be 180 lbs at 9pm, and 190 lbs at 6am the next morning. I have 2 or 3 wrap dresses, 1 pair of elastic-back black pants and a couple waterfall cardigans to get me through those days–I can literally go up 2 sizes in one day, but it only lasts for 2 or 3 days then I’m back to normal.

Ugh, yes–been there w/r/t family history of not throwing things (particularly clothing) out.
It can be difficult to find a friend to help–or maybe difficult to ask someone to help in such a personal way.

Something I find has been helpful for me and a couple of other women I know is simply trying clothing on and *looking in the mirror*.

You’ll find that sweater is much shorter than you thought it was, or that skirt is really not your style anymore, even if it fit you properly.

It’s amazing how different something can look in the mirror vs. in our mind’s eye.

I have a dress similar to this from Lands End – I call it my Star Trek dress. It is a split/notched V collar. YOU WEAR WHATEVER 4UCK YOU WANT, YOUR HIPS ARE PERFECT AND FORMED EXACTLY THE WAY THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE.

I find it funny that [email protected] says she normally doesn’t like “personality” necklines in light of the cut-out styles featured in recent weeks!

I adore this dress. That neckline is perfect either on its own or with a jacket. Unlike other “personality” necklines, it actually *improves* authority of the dress thanks to the collar effect, remains flattering but not-too-low, and isn’t distracting with odd windows/cutouts/[email protected] difficulties.

YAY KAT, me too! This is one I can wear b/c the cut-out style here is NOT one that accentueates the boobies. It is the DEEP V neck that we have to be wary of so that men do NOT peek in, or (like Frank), put their pencil in to probe around. FOOEY!

I had a good weekend 33,000 step’s–walkeing in the cold and my tuchus and leg’s are getting into shape for summer. The manageing partner is buying another house in QUOGUGE, and renteing his place out. We are goeing to his new place b/c it is in ready to move in condition and has a nicer pool. The manageing partner’s brother know’s a guy who will rent the old place out– he is getting $48,000 per month for the season–May, June, July, August and September. I wish I was in realestate. He showed me a picture of the woman who was the broker, and she went to college with me! She made alot of money on this deal and suposedly, she does alot of them. DOUBEL FOOEY!

This is why I need to get married. I need a guy who can aford to pay $48,000 per month for a place I can lounge about in the Hamton’s. It would be so much more fun then billeing cleint’s who compleain all the time about there lazy employees. TRIPEL FOOEY!

Paralegal might be difficult to do as a “side” job if you have a day job- a lot of attorneys will want the paralegal to be available during the day. Some types of paralegal work could be done anywhere, or after hours, but I’d say the majority is not. If you wanted a very flexible schedule, which it sounds like you do, you’ll probably need to look at a solo/small firm.

Also, do you have any experience working as a paralegal or in a law firm? Any certifications? It’s not rocket science, but being a good paralegal certainly has a learning curve. Hiring a paralegal who has never heard of a non-party request for documents or who has never filed a complaint and who won’t be in the office to be trained by a more senior paralegal will not be enticing to employers.

I have no direct experience with this, but I work in a small office of a large firm and we pretty regularly need after hours assistance. It would be helpful to have someone who could be on call if my regular paralegal is unavailable. This would be mostly nights, weekends, and holidays.

As a former corporate paralegal, I can say that this is pretty rare, except in certain markets. For instance, Davis Polk NY has paralegal shifts, some of which are 2nd shift. Cosign the advice that you can’t just “wing it.” You need to already know what you’re doing. It all seems like it’s low-level admin stuff, but a lot of it is directly client-facing, and the attorneys checking your work need it to be pretty close to correct, otherwise it’s not worth their time to outsource. Also note that if you’re already in law, you can’t do this at another firm due to conflicts.

I do know a few outfits that provide outsourced paralegal assistance. But they are rare, and they tend to be former senior paralegals who have very close relationships with partners that they worked with for years…and they work from home because they had kids or similar. It’s not something that someone with limited experience/connections could fall into easily. (But that doesn’t mean you can’t look.)

A more common outsourced legal office function would be proofreading or document processing (Word and the like). A lot of larger NY firms have round-the-clock proofreading teams and nearly all have 24 hour document processing.

I have the Aria, which I really like. I’ve had it for about 4 months, I think.

The only thing I don’t like about it is that it doesn’t make any noise when it is done. You have to look down to see whether it is still working or time to step off. I’m a little concerned that it throws the weight off a bit when I move to see it.

I also have the Aria and also really like it. We’ve had it for about two years and it’s holding up well. I actually moved to a different fitness tracker but I keep the Fitbit app for the weight tracking. It makes me really honest. My only nitpick is that the contrast on the display is kind of low (light grey text on a light blue background) and I can’t read the weight without my glasses on. I just check it on my phone later. And if you have good eyes this won’t be an issue.

I have the Aria and really like it. So far (6 months in), it’s really accurate. The body fat % is sometimes a bit off, I think, but from what I’ve read, your hydration level (and even just wearing socks on it) can skew things. I use it daily though and the weekly averages seem about right.

Have a Withings and love it. I especially like how it creates a trend line, which seems more important than any day-to-day fluctuations. It gives you a body fat %, but I don’t pay any attention to it. Those things are never accurate.

I’m 36, single, and have always, always, really looked forward to having a partner and a family, initially hoping to marry young and have a large family. The weariness of hoping for something that has never come is wearing me down in a way that I don’t seem able to cope with anymore. I am blessed to have a wonderful career (far exceeding my wildest hopes) and meaningful hobbies and deep friendships and a family I like. But that doesn’t change also wanting a good partner and children… I’ve been well loved by previous boyfriends, and am close to several of my friend’s kids, and feel very acutely both that I have a lot to offer in a relationship and as a mother, and, what I’m missing by not having those relationships. The last 4 years of being long-term single have been hard….and the last few months have been harder – I’m feeling like I’m falling into an abyss that I can’t get out of anymore. All the accumulated losses – shattering heartbreak, minor disappointments, blah dates, et al – are just too much for hope to overcome anymore. My thoughts now circle to “I must be unlovable, that’s why I don’t get a partner when all my friends do”, and, most recently and alarmingly “God doesn’t love you (otherwise He wouldn’t make your heart long for something that never comes)” or “God doesn’t give good things….to you”. Help!?! Obviously, a therapist would probably be helpful, and I will try to find someone. (I’ll also comment that I don’t think I’m depressed in general – I’m happy and engaged when thinking about other things, just, really really sad and scared on this topic…and I feel so invisible and left behind). I’m sure some of you have struggled with something similar before, and I’m hoping some of you would have some suggestions of what helped when you were in a similar place… Thank you!

I know you mentioned that you would try to find a therapist, but I would add that you should make it a priority to find a good therapist.

You’re dealing with a truckload of little losses, in addition to overall disappointment. I have a much different story, but with similar themes: life not going as planned and disappointment that for reasons out of my control, my future won’t look like I expected it to look. My therapist has helped me to develop some self compassion, address some long-standing reasons that I didn’t feel worthy of love (spoiler alert: it’s probably something deep seeded from childhood- something extremely common in high achieving women), and just feel… better.

Are you me? About a year and a half ago, I decided to go see a therapist because I was so sad about being single. I met someone soon after and we were together for about 15 months. The relationship recently ended. However, in the sad/single phase, the insecurities I had throughout the relationship, and the overwhelming sadness I’m feeling now, my therapist is helping with the self-compassion and the feelings of not being worthy of love/happiness. It’s a hard road but I’m hoping I’ll emerge a happier and healthier person, regardless of my relationship status.

All this to say I highly recommend therapy. It’s helping so much to change my thought patterns from being “there’s something wrong with me which is why no one loves me” to “I’m a flawed human but I also deserve love and happiness, and hopefully I’ll find the right person to share my life with.” It’s a work in progress

Got to say – you’re also me 3 years ago. Now I have a husband and a dog. You’d be amazed how quickly your life can change. (You’re also my grandmother; she got married in 1939, at the age of 38 and then had two kids.) My grandmother also told my mother that many of the women with the fullest lives weren’t married. This whole conversation is making me want to raise a glass to non-traditional women. The pressure (and sometimes desire) for a conventional life can be loud at times but I hope we pace to to our own drummer!

Can’t agree with this more. When I was newly separated three years ago (at age 54!), all my friends said “just concentrate on being happy with your single life,” and I kicked and screamed and cried and protested that I didn’t WANT to be single. And I had all those kinds of “I’m unloveable” thoughts you are having. But I kept going to therapy and putting one foot in front of the other and going to therapy, and after a while I did build that wonderful single life and I was so, so much happier than I’d ever been in my marriage. (Because you know what? Being in a bad marriage is about a million, billion times worse than being along.)

And then, just as I was putting the finishing touches on the dream house I was going to live in by myself forever, the miracle happened and I met the most wonderful man in the whole wide world, and now we’re getting married. It can happen but not if you give in to those lying voices in your head that say you don’t deserve it.

Senior Attorney, I just full on burst in to tears reading this. Partially because I’m in an emotionally fragile state right now, but mostly because I really needed those words of hope and optimism. Even though they weren’t directed specifically at me or my situation.. I just want to thank you for your wisdom and kindness!

You sound just like a smart version of Ellen. So many of us professional women find ourselves aging out on marriage (with the possibility of conception of natural children and family). What do we have? Careers, yes, but so impersonal and unfulfilling in the long-run. If only there were men interested in what we are interested in — home and family — we would not be so depressed. It turns out most men are in need of babysitting, choosing not to grow up past their college frat years, where women were little, if anything more, than an orifice to penetrate then discard. At age 38, I am in the same boat, having no desire for a 40 year old guy who prefers to act 20. The only men looking to date me are much older and they too see me the way guys in their college days did — an easy lay, but nothing more. I have no interest whatsoever in any of that–never did–maybe that is why I am still single, as are the rest of us professional, single women. If there is a secret, please share, because I think all of us will wind up spinsters with 3 or 4 cats to keep us company in our old age!

If there are any dark-skinned straight black women in this discussion thread, I’d advise looking into leaving the US. You can’t control men’s biases, so you might as well move somewhere that people will judge you as a woman, and not a group of stereotypes.

It’s hard when life does not go according to the plans we make. A little perspective from a different angle. I got married when I had planned to but the next step in the process, having kids, did not go according to plan. We struggled with infertility for years while everyone around us had kid after kid after kid. We finally had to accept that traditional parenthood was not going to happen. I felt the same loss of hope that you now feel. I felt unloved and doomed. We now have a kiddo through foster care but the pain of all those years of loss and disappointment still hurt. I am now in therapy but wish I had started years ago. I had also told myself that I was not depressed but now know that was not the truth; I had just gotten really good at pretending to be ok. Cognitive behavioral therapy and anti-anxiety meds have made my life much better. I hope not to be on them forever but am thankful to have the help.

Would you mind sharing a little more about your experience with foster care? After two late 2nd trimester losses I realize that I need to go in another direction if I want to parent. Private party adoption doesn’t seem right for me. Adoption from foster care seems like a great option, but so far all of the agencies we have contacted want foster parents that looking to share their home with kids short term. They actively discourage anyone seeking adoption as the ultimate goal. Has this been your experience as well?

There have been many moments when we wanted to scream at the beurocracy. That being said, we were fortunate enough to have a child placed with us within a few months of certification. It’s still not 100% guaranteed but our state allowed us to only accept kids where the goal is no longer reunification. Although there is a great need for temporary placements, we did not want to do that. Through foster care, you’re not likely to get a newborn but we were able to keep our age range at 0-2. There are pluses and minuses to both. With foster care, you still have to deal with a possible contested trial and you have very little prep time. It’s hard to prepare when you don’t know when, what age and what gender! We chose not to go with private adoption because we did not want to pay 20-30K and then possibly wait years for a birth mother to choose us and then have to worry about her changing her mind!

I’m younger than you, but I feel this way from time to time. We recently had a cookout and the organizer asked that we indicate the number of “boyfriends or dogs” we’d be bringing with us, and I had to reply, “no boyfriend, no dog, so I’ll bring the booze.” For some reason that email really bothered me, and I spent the last week or so being a little sad about being single.

Now for how to fix it–since you mentioned God, are you involved in a good church? That could help you to realize God’s promises and His love for us. I’d also recommend you get involved in a small group if you’re not already. I really love mine and I think it’s part group therapy, part friendship, and part fellowship. I also like having a safe space where I can whine about being single, or really say what’s on my mind.

You might also look into the “Anxiety and Phobia” workbook on Amazon (I bought the 5th edition because it was cheaper). I just got it recently and found it a very good resource for how to cut out some of those anxious thoughts and anxiety fear spirals. It has a whole chapter on self-worth and self-esteem which I think would be helpful for you.

Sometimes it’s surprising what makes you feel alone. I was visiting my parents for easter and one morning my dad got my mum breakfast in bed and somehow having to have breakfast alone (even though that is of course what I do every single other day) really hurt.

I was talking to my married friend the other day about this difficult online job screening test we both did, and she said “The math part was so hard, I got [husband] to help me.” I looked at her and said, “Well, I don’t have anyone to help me.”

Yep, lots of these little things. Like when you’re at a dinner with couples and they all get checks per couple, and you hold up your hand and say, “just me!” Or when my friends ask me why I don’t look for furniture at yard sales, thrift stores. Why bother? Who is going to help me carry it into the apartment? Or being an odd number on NYE and someone literally said that the host’s dog could be my date. Ok. Yeah, he’s a great dog, but still, f* that.

I’m a great story teller, but I’m tired of being “the single friend with the funny stories.” Bad dates are written off as “oh, well at least you’ll have a funny story.” Yeah, ha. ha. My friends ask me to repeat the same funny stories of weird dudes each time the topic comes up or we meet someone who hasn’t heard it yet. I’m tired of being the friend whose “love life” is a literal joke while everyone else gets a partner.

On a more productive note, therapy is the only thing that has helped, especially to deal with the feelings of unworthiness that come along with being single (and also with being high achieving).

After moving from a fast-moving coastal city with plenty of transplants to a family-friendly midwestern city, I once cried after a farmer’s market vendor refused to sell individual zucchini and would only sell it in a box. As a single person living alone, rather than someone cooking for 5, it hurt, because it was another example of how I did not fit in as a single woman over 30.

Agree with therapy but at the core, I think you need to really embrace the idea that families for many people and the journey to creating them – don’t look like we expect them too. Growing up, I thought when you want to get married and have kids – it just happens. In the last 5 years I’ve learned through my own experiences and those of family and friends that you can’t ‘plan’ family – miscarriages, unexpected pregnancies, difficulty in getting pregnant, IVF, stillbirth, non-IVF multiples, post partum depression and husbands that leave when you’re nine months pregnant, and developmental issues (autism) are all things that hugely shape your life and you have no idea if they will happen to you or not.

Be very open to finding happiness with someone that you might not expect (my husband doesn’t match any of the physical characteristics of previous partners) and a journey to parenthood that will be different than you imagined. Your journey isn’t over – heck you could be 39 with two kids under two – but you need to reach a place of acceptance that the journey won’t look like you expected it too but it can still be really wonderful.

Therapy’s great, but you’ve got to date. If you want a relationship you need to actively look for it. Use therapy to figure out who would be a good match for you, and then establish that as your screening criteria and date. Go on sites where people are looking for LTRs (eg not Tinder) and don’t take breaks after bad dates. It takes effort but you won’t find what you’re looking for in your house or the therapists office.

And I would urge you to actually go places where you might meet men in real life. I met my intended at my local Rotary Club. It’s a cliche (“do things you’re interested in and you’ll meet like-minded people”) but it’s a cliche for a reason. If not a service club, maybe a sport or something else that attracts a good number of people of the male persuasion.

I agree with this. Also, as you consider potential non-traditional paths, can you seperate out the desire for a partner from the desire for children? Opening yourself up to more options, like partners who don’t want kids (or don’t want more kids) or non-partner-dependent paths to motherhood may improve your outlook. Good luck. Its very difficult wanting something that depends largely on factors outside of your control

I feel this way all the time. No advice, just commiseration. Especially feeling like good things happen to everyone else and not to me – it’s really a struggle to watch everyone around me succeed, marry, have children, while I’m left behind. I’m only 31 but already feeling invisible and unlovable. It’s really hard. Take care and hang in there.

I’ll admit I don’t really have any advice, but you’re not alone. I’ve had a few really great men break off promising relationships after only a couple of months, and it’s happened twice over the last two years, the last was still very recent, so I’m definitely feeling like there’s something objectively wrong with me, like maybe I’m just human garbage and that’s why no man will ever really fall in love with me and want to stick around.

And I’m trying to catch when I’m being mean to myself–and ask myself whether I would be treating a friend this way

“Would you be treating a friend this way if she’d come home from errands, planning to do some much-needed cleaning and organizing, and dropped her vitamin which she just found out from the Internets is toxic to dogs and she can’t find the vitamin she dropped and she thinks she kept the dogs out of the way and she has somewhere to be in an hour and these are her roommate’s dogs?”

No, no! I wouldn’t be telling my friend how of course that happened and she can’t get *anything* right, etc.! So why do I talk to myself like that? Stop. It.

Totally understand how you feel. I’m 35 and in a similar boat. What had been the hardest for me has been seeing other friends who were similar to me (long-term single) suddenly find wonderful partners and become happy in relationships. It was like it happened overnight. One guy changed everything. I would stew about it, wondering why it was them and not me, why they were so lucky, etc.

But I am trying to reframe it and think about how the same thing could happen for me (and you!). Keep going on dates. Try to brush the bad dates off. They’re no reflection on you. It just takes ONE.

I truly believe you will find him (and I hope I will, too), and even if it doesn’t happen when you expect, it will be wonderful. There are many paths to families and parenthood. But I know how hard this can be. Hugs to you.

I was one of those long-term single people, throughout my 20s & 30s. I definitely wondered, like the OP, “why does this person [with perceived Flaw X] have a husband/ partner, and I do not?” I began seeing a therapist in my late 30s after a relationship that I had hoped might head toward marriage collapsed (and, thank goodness it did, I was absolutely spared a bullet – but at the time, I did not have the clarity to see how dysfunctional the relationship was from even it’s earliest days).

The therapist helped me get more clarity on what I wanted and helped me see that what I wanted might not look like what I had imagined. I got married at 41, long past the point that most people, including my parents, had given up hope. Our daughter was born when I was 44 and now we are embarking on open adoption…

Hang in there! The self work will pay off over time, even if the way that it pays off is not what you expected.

I felt just like you described a few years ago. I met my now husband one week before my 39th birthday. My thirties up to that point were kind of rough – weddings are hard but nothing compares to that feeling when you are headed to the first birthday parties for the kids. That being said, I had a good job, a great family, some wonderful friends. And yet . . . I always felt like there must be something wrong with me. What helped me? I never did the therapy route – although looking back maybe I should have considered it. I finally decided somewhere after age 35 that I was just going to focus on the now. Because everything wasn’t so difficult when I focused on the now. Looking back made me kinda sad. Looking forward made me really scared. But when I really tried to be in the moment I was OK. I am now married to the person who I can say in complete confidence is the right person for me. It wasn’t the journey that I hoped for and we’re not sure kids are an option for us given our ages but I will tell you that when we did finally get married (last year – at age 42 for me!) we had multiple people come up to us at our reception and tell us that they’d never seen a couple say their vows with that kind of love and meaning. Wishing you the best . . .

I’ve posted about this before but GET THEE TO A THERAPIST! I felt the same way. I was younger at the time (29, I think) but I had had only one real relationship but still knew I wanted to get married. I had lots of friends, a fulfilling career, plenty of hobbies, but still didn’t feel like that replaced a long term relationship. After about 6 months of therapy, I met my now husband, and about two months later, my therapist said “do you think we have anything more to talk about?” I was like “nope” and now I’m 38 and happily married with two adorable children. I’m not saying that therapy is the solution for everyone, but if you’re even thinking about it, GO DO IT.

Date yourself! It’s seriously the best remedy for feeling like you are unlovable. If you love yourself (and fake it till you make it on this one because it’s worth it), it shows. Plus then you know you always have yourself and you’ll be more interesting because you’ll have spent time developing yourself. In the words of Oscar Wilde: “to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”

Second, remember that you aren’t a statistic. You’re one person looking for one person. It doesn’t matter that the pool of available people is smaller, you’re just looking for one person. Yes you have to look, you have to go on dates, meet new people trying to find the one person, but don’t let the bad dates drag you down. It’s tough when all of your friends are married or coupled up. Just remind yourself that it says nothing about you as a person that you are single. You are interesting, you are lovable.

Try to get outside at lunch today and take a walk in the sun, if you are lucky enough to have sun.

Try to exercise daily… even just a walk… as you try to get through this transition.

Plan some things for each wed, and weekend, that you can really look forward to. They can be as small as a donut. And try to include other positive people in those “things” you plan, as sometimes we need to be around positive people who lift us up a little.

This is very late, but just wanted to say thanks for the good wishes. I did get out and go on a run after work, which helped. Now if I can just get some work done today instead of mindlessly surfing the internet for 8 hours…

Anyone doing something fun or unique for your mom for Mother’s Day? I’m leaning towards concert tickets to a summer show at our local Botanical Garden for my mom, but I’d love to hear about other fun ways you all are thinking about recognizing mom figures this year.

My best friend and her daughter (my goddaughter) are visiting me (I have no kids and my mom is a narcissistic whackjob, as is best friend’s mom) – it’s maybe not the “traditional” Mother’s Day, but it’s finally one I’m looking forward to!

My mom is retired and has everything she could ever need and most of what she wants, so I always do experiential gifts. In recent years, we’ve gone to a cake decorating class, the Botanic Garden, and tea at the Drake. She always says how much she appreciates spending time with me (and that we can do “girly” things she doesn’t do with her husband). I’m scrambling to come up with a new idea this year (and one that won’t break the bank while I’m in grad school).

I’ve moved into an older house with no overhead lights except in the kitchen (8 can lights + other task lighting and it is still dark) and dining room (candle-type chandellier not kicking enough light for reading; OK for dining). The rooms are big (biggest is 17×19).

Is there any place that will help with the wattage /square footage calculations? A few table and pole lamps are not cutting it (and I get that this disguises my age, but it is bordering on ridiculous). An early 90s-style halogen lamp (maybe in threes) might give off enough light, but soon it will be summer and that will throw off too much heat.

I am thinking of (gasp) track lighting given how little good the recessed can lights do.

I have a bunch of recessed can lights in my house and it was SO DARK when I first moved in. My BF realized that the problem was with the type of bulb the prior owner used. I’m not sure what type he ended up getting, but they were something like $40/bulb and now my house is wonderfully bright.

You can also get LED floor lamps, to avoid the heat buildup problem from the 90s-style halogens.

For the kitchen, do you have undercabinet lighting? There are styles that plug into existing outlets and add a ton

If you are thinking you might want to add overhead or wall sconce lighting in the future, you should talk to an electrician now before you do any further remodeling – that almost always involves cutting into the walls and ceilling, and/or the floor above the room.

When you viewed the house before you bought it, did you notice it being dark? If not, do you remember what the previous owners had in the house to make it less dark?

I had a handyman install overhead lighting in the rooms. It was pretty affordable–maybe $200-$300 per room+cost of fixtures. I had him doing a number of tasks that took about two days total so it might even be a one day job. The rooms had switches that were connected to outlets and access to the ceiling through the attic.

T-minus 30 for my 2 week trip to Japan with my partner. Other than desperately keeping myself from checking out at work, are there any less known pre-trip prep things I should think about? Other than packing lists, double checking plans, etc…I get pretty awful plane sickness so if anyone has recommendations for keeping that at bay, I would appreciate it.

Exciting! I would make sure your vaccinations (tetanus booster, etc) are up to date – you never know. And if you bought new shoes to wear on the trip, break them in now so you don’t end up with blisters!

I took Dramamine once going from SF to Tokyo during my last trip and I remembered NOTHING of the flight, except eating an entire bag of goldfish crackers. Is that normal, haha? It’s my last resort as I got on that flight very sick from the IAD-SFO leg anyway.

The same thing happens to me! But I hate flying, and I get plane sick, so I keep up my Dramamine routine. There have been multiple occasions where I simply do not remember the majority of my flight, but it works for me!

Watch out for the scopolamine patch- many people (especially women, in my experience) have adverse reactions to these. If you go this route, definitely test it in advance. It works really well for some people, but if you have problems (extreme sleepiness, memory loss, vision problems), it can take several days to recover and that’s not really something you want to deal with while traveling.

I’ll be at a conference next week for 3 days, including multiple presentations and booth duty. I want to be comfortable on my feet for large portions of the day. I don’t want to worry about tripping onstage! Do you have a favorite “conference shoe”? I can wear my Cole Haan Air Lainey Wedge in black patent but it’s feeling a bit heavy and dated to me lately…I’ll likely be wearing a suit or close.

I sound like a broken record, but the Louise et Cie Azalya shoes are my go-to for conferences and events. They have a slight wedge (very slight!), which gives me more arch support, a nice almond toe which is sleek looking, and they are uber comfortable. I’ve worked 16-hour events with me literally spritning and I still felt good at the end of it.

They’re actually on sale at Nordstrom Rack right now–$44 for black or leopard

While I would still probably think about a flat or wedge for you, just for the added security, I just bought a pair of the Rockport Total Motion and they are great.

I also have longer feet. I really like the pointy toe, but had a hard time finding a comfortable shoe that looked sleek and professional and also worked well for my size 10s. The Rockports are fantastic. They look like a great classic pump, have the inside of a gym shoe, and are very comfortable with a flattering vamp.

Super-interesting article from the Economist on what it means to work so much, workers’ identities, etc. Long but definitely worth the read. I found many parts of this reasonated…some a little too much.

What’s a reasonable amount of time to take off for your wedding and honeymoon in biglaw? I plan to take 2 weeks for the honeymoon immediately after the wedding, but I’d like to take a couple of days off before the wedding too. I was thinking of taking off Wednesday prior to the (Saturday) wedding, returning Monday 2 weeks after the wedding. Is that too much time at once?

I took Thursday and Friday off before my Sunday wedding, and then two full work weeks after for the honeymoon. Nobody seemed the least bit perturbed, except with one partner who is notoriously cranky about vacation, and even he was really just joking when harassed me about (although kind of joking in earnest). Your plan sounds fine to me. Wedding = free pass in Big Law, so I say go for it.

I got married out of town, so I went to the city I was getting married in the Wednesday before but was still available for calls, emails, and wrapping up previous projects. I basically said I couldn’t take on anything new in those couple of days but I would be available to finish anything ongoing or help the person who was going to be covering for me. It also depends on the burden that your absence is going to cause – are you leaving during something like trial prep or right before a big deal closes? If so, I’d maybe try to stick it out till Thursday night.

I think if it’s a local wedding, people might look askance at you taking any more than Friday off (unless you take less than 2 weeks after; I think everyone is in agreement you get at least two weeks and you can use that time before or after the wedding). For out of town weddings it’s more accepted to take 2 or 3 days beforehand plus 2 weeks after.

Yeah it is a local wedding. I have a lot of people traveling for the wedding so I want to spend some time with them before everything gets too crazy. I’m also DIYing some of the decorations so I want to start setting up the venue and not be too crunched with other last minute details. Basically I’m trying to give myself some breathing room so I’m not scrambling and stressed.

I think that’s really reasonable. What makes me crazy is when people take off 10 days around the wedding, come back for 2 weeks, and then take a 2 week honeymoon. That’s basically being out of office for a month, because it’s not worth starting/transitioning projects for just those 2 weeks.

Yeah this is why we’re not doing the honeymoon at some later time, even though I would prefer to not have to plan a Once In A Lifetime Party and Once In A Lifetime Vacation at the same time. I definitely don’t want to be at work either immediately before or after my wedding. I want to be in a happy newlywed bubble. But I also don’t want to p!ss people off by taking 2 long vacations in short order.

2. Being away for longer is actually easier for everyone because someone can properly cover you and you can hand over your work. People forget about you (in a good way). Shorter periods are worse because you still get called and emailed all the time.

3. Your honeymoon is (unfortunately) the only time you can justifiably take a longer vacation than what is usual so I say own it.

If you’re having guilt/anxiety, is it an option to work half-days? I had a local Friday wedding with people coming in to town who I wanted to see, so I would come in for a few hours in the morning and then peace out between noon and 2 pm. I did take the day before the wedding off and then a honeymoon right afterwards.

In theory I like this idea. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never been able to successfully take a half day if I’m physically present in the office. Once you’re there, people assume you’re there for as long as they need you. I don’t schedule evening flights to leave for vacation anymore; I have too much trouble leaving “early” (at 6) to catch my flight and it’s just not worth the pressure. Can you tell I’m trying to proactively manage my anxiety?

I think this is a definite work-from-home option, though. I can check in early and make sure everyone is set for the day then go on my way.

If I can redo my honeymoon, I would ask for 3 weeks. It was the only time in biglaw when I could have a long vacation with zero expectation of having to check my blackberry (aside from the gap in between jobs).

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt if you haven’t already. So funny!
Senes8 – sex and violence and just crazy in a good way
The West Wing — got me through the Bush years and still just the super best show ever
The Fall — Gillian Anderson as a hardboiled detective stalking a serial killer
Scandal, of course. But you probably know that already.

The actor who played Will Bailey just started a weekly podcast where he rewatches each episode and talks about it. Dule Hill is on one of the first episodes. I haven’t listened yet but it’s at the top of my list.

Last year I binge-watched Better Off Ted and loved it. It’s a workplace comedy set in a pharma-tech-etc.-everything company. There are lab-nerd jokes. There are our-execs-are-nuts jokes. There are my-cube-life-is-killing-me jokes. Aaaand Portia de Rossi is the main nutso VP. SO good!

1) I was REALLY nervous. Like, shaking anxious. I went and played with my friends’ pup before going.
2) My dentist rocks.
3) Nitrous is amazing.
4) Felt minimal to no pain during procedure
5) Tooth is tender but not in terrible pain now.

Has anyone been to Bangkok? We’ll be there for less than 48 hours soon and the day time hours will be pretty filled seeing the major landmarks, but I’m wondering what to do for our one night out. The standard answer seems to be bars and clubs, but we don’t really drink and I have no desire to see any of the seedier shows. Are there neighborhoods that are interesting just to walk through at night? I was thinking maybe Khao San Road but not sure how fun that would be if we don’t want to party.

Khao San Road is lots of backpackers, food vendors, bars, hostels. It is basically the crossroads of every backpacker in SE Asia, so there is potential for good people watching and it’s an experience in itself but maybe not what you had in mind.

You could consider Patpong Night Market. I’m not sure how opposed to seediness you are – the night market is in the midst of Bangkok’s most famous red light district so you will probably get offers of pornography and girls as you walk along, nothing too aggressive but it’s definitely a presence. A fun market, definitely somewhat touristy.

You could consider a dinner cruise on the Chao Phraya river which runs right through Bangkok. I have always been a broke backpacker when I’ve been in Bangkok so I’ve never been on one, but I loved even riding the crowded “taxi” boats and watching the city go by, so I imagine a dinner cruise could be quite nice.

Depending on your taste for violence, you could check out a muay thai match – a few different stadiums around Bangkok and definitely an “authentic” experience.

Last suggestion would be to check out a rooftop bar – even if you are not a huge drinker, they can be worth it for the view and experience.

Uh oh – I tried to reply to you and now I realize I probably used a few words that landed it in moderation. Maybe it will show up eventually. Here’s a list of what I suggested:

– Skip Khao San Road
– Check out Patpong night market if you don’t mind just a little bit of seediness
– A dinner cruise on the Phraya Chao river could also be nice
– You could check out a muay thai match at one of the stadiums
– There are lots of rooftop bars which can be fun for the experience and view even if you are not much of a drinker.

Check out the embassy area, weekend market (if you are there on a weekend… it is the BEST), and then look for local shopping areas that carry local designers (I found it by accident across from a large mall, but could not find it again if you asked me to).

My hair fell out in clumps after weaning, and I tried the Aveda thickening suite. They smell amazing and the stores are very willing to give out samples of this line for whatever reason (maybe because it’s new/pricey). I really liked the “spray” product (tonic? not sure what they called it.)

I use Rusk Brilliance and the spray in conditioner that goes with it. I also use Rusk Thick spray and work it in before the conditioner. Doesn’t weigh down my hair with too much product but also doesn’t leave my hair completely flyaway. If I feel like I have product buildup, I use Clarify.

I recently started viviscal (which is a vitamin for thinning hair). I’ve tried loads of different vitamins over the years and none of them made any noticeable difference. But I decided to try this one due to all the positive reviews online and I’m actually really happy with it! It doesn’t work miracles, but my hair is growing much faster and I am definitely getting new sprouts in areas that were pretty thin and where my part was getting wide. It’s pricy so I only bought one month to try with a plan to stop if I didn’t see improvement, but I just ordered some more and plan to stay on it!

I tried nioxin, the aveda stuff, biotin, and basically everything else on the market and this is the only thing where I’ve seen improvement.

Just posting bc I feel like I’m spiraling and could use some advice/support. I just had my 2nd mc in a year And I’m just feeling like this experience is hilighting issues between DH and I that have gone on for years. Particularly, when I try to talk to him about something he did that hurt me, rather than owning his actions and apologizing, he fights tooth and nail to explain why what he did was justified. This feels really unsupportive to me and it really upsets me. I’ve tried explaining this to him and he tells me I’m being unfair or have unrealistic expectations of relationships, etc. Maybe I do, but I really need someone to care whether their actions hurt me, not whether they were justified. Is this asking too much? I can’t help but be so incredibly hurt that even in this time when I really need more support than ever, he wants to give me explanations. I feel like this issue has gone on for years and at a certain point In each past argument Ive just convinced myself I can deal with it. And then we end up here again. Not sure exactly what I’m looking for, but if anyone’s been there, I’d love advice.

A red flag for me would be that he seems to have put himself in the role of arbitrator as to whether or not your feelings are ‘justified’ – like if he doesn’t think your feelings are ‘justified’ then somehow they are not legitimate or real? He doesn’t have to understand why you feel the way you do about something, but he does have to accept it.

Signed,
married with 3 kids + major communication issues with my husband that he is totally uninterested in working on.

My husband does this too–all of his his feelings are justified, but no one else’s are. This becomes even more of a problem when you have a kid and he tells the kid that she doesn’t have a right to feel the way she feels.

@ lifer below, “I feel” statements are not effective with people like this, because you don’t have a right to feel anything the other person doesn’t believe is justified.

Cosign this. I have been where you are and finally realized that when he said “you have unrealistic expectations,” I should have listened to him because what he meant was “I am not going to meet those expectations, ever.”

That said, I am now engaged to somebody with whom I get along so well that it’s almost scary. And I am convinced that one of the reasons is that we have a list of “Rules for Life,” and Rule 7 is “assume good intentions.” So on the rare occasion that somebody does somethingthat might make the other somebody inclined to have hurt feelings, rather than thinking “Oh, man! He did XYZ thing! He’s thoughtless/doesn’t care about me/wants to have his own way/has other bad intentions,” I think “Oh, man! He did XYZ thing! But I’m sure he had good intentions so I will let it go/ask him about it in a spirit of genuine inquiry!”

Mostly I just let it go (he’s held up at the office and is late for a date — why get my feelers hurt about that?) but on the vanishingly rare occasions when I have felt like I needed to inquire, there was always a well-intentioned back story that made me see the whole thing in a different light. But I will always approach it in the spirit of “hey, what’s up with that?” rather than “you hurt my feelings and now you need to apologize!”

However, it’s super important to note that this only works if both people do indeed have good will and good intentions. If your husband is a jerk or narcissist or otherwise bad guy, then see my first paragraph and get the heck outl.

Here ya go. We’re at number 9 and when we get to 10 we’re writing a book! ;)

1. Be kind
2. Don’t be poor
3. Use it or lose it
4. Have young friends
5. Look where you want to go
6. No sighing (I like to call this one “no chair noises!” because the first version was “don’t make noises when you sit down in your chair or get back up”)
7. Assume good intentions
8. You know what the right thing is, so do it
9. Never assume the ball is dead

As you can see, this is a wildly mixed bag and many of the rules are rather obscure and will require more explanation, but that’s the list. (And I feel compelled to note, in advance of the flames, that I totally get that Rule 2 is quite often broken by people through no fault of their own, and if I were having drinks with you I would go on about that topic at some length.)

We came up with #9 while watching a football game (a rare occurrence because my intended is not a fan, but I digress). As sometimes happens, the play was busted and everybody assumed the ball was dead, except the guy who picked it up and ran it into the end zone for a touchdown. So I guess another way to state Rule 9 would be “it ain’t over ’til it’s over.” Or “don’t give up.” Or “life can be surprising in wonderful ways if you keep your wits about you.” Or “think for yourself and don’t always go along with the crowd.” Lotta wisdom in a busted football play sometimes…

Have you heard those recommendations about using “I feel” statements instead of “you did” statements when telling people about things that upset you? This takes some delicacy, but for some individuals it will make them less defensive. Your DH sounds very defensive.

I know you don’t want to hear this, but if this is long standing behavior it is really, really hard to change and is reflecting the way your husband deals with conflict. I have no idea if you are being unfair or unrealistic, but what is clear is that this isn’t working for you. Therapy is likely needed. I would start with it for you, and talk to him about couples therapy in the future.

This has been a horrible year for you. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses…. just heartbreaking.

I think miscarriage is hard. Hard for you, hard for him, and hard for your marriage. On the one hand, we want our partners to support us the way we want to be supported. On the other hand, they are independent people with their own ways of reacting to news and their own emotional burdens. I think as a first step take care of yourself –> go to see a therapist to get support in handling the anguish of the miscarriages. Then deal with the marital issue.

We had a bunch of relationship issues come to a head after a miscarriage — that kind of blow doesn’t bring out the best in anyone. Probably a mental-health low for me, rough for him, so we just weren’t in a good place. We did visit a couples’ therapist a couple times, and made some real progress. These issues are probably the ones that will plague us our entire relationship/lives, i.e. we didn’t magically just work through them and put them 100% behind us, but we did get a framework for talking about them and have used that framework going forward. I was glad to have done it before we had a newborn as having a baby/toddler also brings out some of our worst issues. For me, too, the hormonal aspect of miscarriage wrecked my ability to judge what were Important Problems and what were run-of-the-mill ones (same thing happened to me when I had a temporary menopause-like condition), so I would blow things up that — although I hate to admit it — may not have been as life-or-death as they felt. Therapist tactfully helped with this, as did doctor, as did time.

I agree with last two postings. There may well be issues, but I think that right now is a bad time to attribute all the heartache to the way your hubby is responding. He may well be dealing with things poorly due to his own grief. Stress and grief both have a weird way of putting a strange/distorting filter on everything.

Thank you – I appreciate this. I guess the thing that really gets to me is that I had difficulty with his responses going back years – long before the current grief was in play. It was to the point that I actually wondered/worried about whether the issue would persist when we faced some personal tragedy like this.

Then that is a great thing to discuss with your therapist. Why did you want to marry him and why do you want to have children with him. Not in a rhetorical judgmental way but really understand. Is it in spite of this one issue, because this issue also has benefits etc. assume every issue will be magnified by outside problems.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult, stressful time. The dynamic you’re describing between you and your husband sounds similar to one between me and mine. We had a huge breakthrough about a year ago. We realized that when I tell him something he did hurt me, angered me, etc., he feels attacked and then justifies himself. Apparently, he feels like if another person is angry with him, it must be because they think he’s a bad person or trying to hurt them or something. Then he has to defend himself. It had not occurred to him that I can be angry or hurt because his actions had unintentional consequences (because why be mad if it’s unintentional?). Now, as part of the discussion, I can acknowledge that I know he didn’t intend to hurt my feelings, and he doesn’t feel like he has to defend or justify himself. It seems simple, but it has made a world of difference.

I could have written the same exact thing about my husband and I, and we’ve had the same breakthrough. He’s extremely caring and how I feel means the world to him, so when he felt like I was telling him he was a terrible person because his action had some unfortunate impact on me, he felt like he needed to fight back to prove that he was a good person and that he cared, and he tried to do this by justifying whatever that thing was. I’ve switched to saying things like “I know you didn’t intend this, but it really hurt me when you did X, because it made me feel like Y. I know it’s not what you intended, but it’s what happened.” Seriously it’s like night and day, and we haven’t really fought since then.

Yes. I wonder if also you could really convey clearly to him that you aren’t saying this as an attack on him, it’s just about your feelings, which may or may not have a rational basis (not that you’re irrational, just that reasons are beside the point, which is feelings), and that you just need the verbal equivalent of a warm bunny hug, comforting and reassurance, and acknowledgment of your feelings. Like if you had to stand out in the rain waiting for him and were soaking wet, getting you warm and dry would be the resolution to that, not his explaining why he was late. I mean, even if his explanation is perfectly justified, or even heroic, it would make sense for him to acknowledge that you are cold and wet and want to help you dry off, and you being cold and wet doesn’t mean you think he is a terrible person or that you blame him for it.

Threadjack/question-I went to a bobbi brown make-up event through nordstroms which was held in my smaller (Nordstrom free) town. Liked a lot of stuff and bought some of it. Am in my late 30s with drier skin and they recommended Bobbi’s extra repair moisture cream. Really liked it but could not pull the trigger on $96 moisturizer. Does anyone use it and feel like it is absolutely worth it? Any other recommendations for similar but cheaper products? TIA!

I’m a long time Bobbi user but I can’t think of much that’s worth $96. I will say – watch Gilt because sometimes they do $80 on BB’s website for $50, so you could save $30 and that may make a difference.

Also, what climate do you live in? Some dermatologists have told me (humid climate) to actually cut back on moisturizer in summer months… so consider that before dropping the cash.

I absolutely swear by this stuff! I am in my late 30s, and I have dry, sensitive skin and eczema. The extra repair moisture cream is like magic for my skin. I use it both in the morning and at night, and it’s the only product I’ve found (after many years of searching!) that can actually keep my skin moisturized and calm. I’m considering stockpiling it in case they ever discontinue it. :) As a warning, it’s really thick and heavy — kind of like the consistency of the old-school Eucerin in the tub.

I’m 30 with dehydrated skin (not the same as having a dry skin-type, but the same in terms of treatment). I’ve been using Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Deep Moisture Balm for the last month or so, and it has done more for my skin than the $80-$100 creams I’ve tried. And it’s only $34! I highly recommend trying a sample before dropping $100.

What should I wear to a “rustic glam” wedding reception? I was a bridesmaid in the wedding, and this is the second reception in a different city so we’re not wearing the bridesmaid’s dress (plus her MIL is throwing it, so the bride didn’t know what to tell me to wear).

If you feel comfortable with it, this seems like an occasion for the ubiquitous-on-Pinterest “cocktail dress with cowboy boots”. If you’re not feeling that, I would probably just go with something a little sweet, like a pastel or grey dress with nude heels. I wouldn’t wear anything dark or overly trendy. Try searching the term on Google images or Pinterest.

Now I wish that I (1) were invited to a “rustic glam” wedding and (2) hadn’t gotten rid of all of my old bridesmaid dresses in my KonMari purge. It would totally spark joy to wear one of those things with my cowboy boots!

I would interpret “rustic glam” to mean “event held in a barn-like setting that has been pinterested/Martha Stewart’ed to the 9s”. I suspect you will see everything under the sun, as no one will know how to interpret that, and my only advise would be to wear substantial shoes (blocky heels, wedges or flats) not pointy heels in case you have to walk outside on uneven terrain or the floor is not perfectly smooth.

Is the bride re-wearing her dress? I think you should talk to the other bridesmaids to coordinate the level of formality you all go for, so at least if you miss, you’ll all be too formal or too casual together.

I’d probably deconstruct/reconstruct my bridesmaid dress and make it a bit more my style or fashionable in the direction of the rustic glam theme. Which, if you are me, could include grinding dirt or leaves into it and putting sticks in my hair. Those things are all rustic, but I am also a sarcastic a-hole sometimes!

I’ve been spending more than I would like on clothes and books mostly. Stuff I get good use out of (and I don’t have much stuff), but I don’t really need. I think I’m doing it to make me feel better emotionally. How can I redirect this urge? I’m trying to lose weight, so no more eating,and I work a lot so don’t have a ton of time. How do you make yourself feel good with very little time and money?

I try to reserve books from the library, mostly because I’m too cheap to spend $10 on a book and also because even though I love books, I hate to have them clutter up my house once I’ve finished reading them. No real advice on clothes because I have the same urge, but I do try to tell myself that I won’t feel good buying more clothing. Then I try to look at the most recent article of clothing I bought and ask myself whether I feel that same great feeling about it as the day I bought it (answer is usually no. I like it, but I don’t feel all “squee” about it any longer).

Give yourself a pass on this one. If you’re getting good use out of it and you’re not impacting your budget elsewhere, than it’s okay.

I realized a year or two ago that I was feeling guilty about being a normal person with occasional wants and desires. I felt guilty for “splurging” on anything I didn’t specifically need. I felt guilty for having a wardrobe beyond a meticulously maintained capsule wardrobe composed entirely of high quality clothes which fit me perfectly.

I’m sure you’ll get some suggestions about meditation or yoga or whatever, but I say buy the books and clothes! Especially if you are trying to lose weight and you have given up another indulgence, be a little easy on yourself. Check out this wonderful article from The Toast which sums up my feelings better than I can: http://the-toast.net/2015/02/24/get-rid-clutter-live-abundantly/

The book issue is easily solved by the library. If you’re an e-reader, you don’t even have to go to the library, though you’ll probably have to wait for new, popular books. I find plenty to read that way, and I definitely get excited when I see the email that a new book is ready for me.

I just want to comment on the “no more eating” part of your statement. Yeah, I get that you’re trying to lose weight. So am I, and it’s exacerbated by the fact that my knee is torn up (surgery in two weeks) and I can’t work out like I normally do. BUT, I’ve been focusing on having really delicious, good for me food that makes me happy. It took a few weeks to get there, but now I’m hitting my groove – making whole wheat pasta with asparagus, mushrooms, peas, spinach, feta, and lemon, or eating a chicken and apple sausage with a pile of colorful veggies for lunch (green beans, snap peas, grape tomatoes and carrots). And allowing myself a glass of wine here and there and sometimes one Lindor. I’ve lost 8 lbs and it’s been hard fought. Treat yourself better! But I also get the temptation to make other splurges. When I’m stressed, I tend to buy shoes or jewelry (or both). Fighting that urge now!

When I was going through a bout of mindless clearly unhealthy shopping, I signed up for birchbox. Knowing that I had a fun surprise box coming my way on a monthly basis helped, and it was only $10, so I wasnt blowing through a lot of money. I would also make special trips to target but only buy useful household goods like dishwasher detergent and paper towels. Somehow it checked off some boxes –I was bored, I was a little depressed, I wanted to get out of the house– but it didn’t have any real negative effects. It eventually passed.

+1000 for the library. I put off doing it for soooo long. I think I thought they were going to find out that once I lost a rare book as a child (completely different city/library system) and I’d be blacklisted as irresponsible and denied a card. I finally went and got a library card about a month ago (no problems, whew!), and I frankly don’t ever plan on setting foot in there again. The 3M Cloud Library and Overdrive apps, as well as one click digital for audiobooks, are simply amazing. I do love the feel of a book in my hands, but I already have a large library and I can always grab something off the shelf if I have that urge.

Also, I shop for almost everything at Costco, avoid the pre-made/processed freezer section, but buy all of my protein/veggies/eggs/paper products and most pantry goods. I’m far less tempted to buy junk if I have to buy it in bunk. It keeps me from walking into Target to get toilet paper and coming out with $100 worth of junk I don’t need.

I am searching for a high waisted pencil skirt with a true banded waistband. Ideally it would be in a fabrication that reads dressy (so not the super thin ponte) but is also machine washable. I work in an office on the dressier side of business casual.

In a dream world, it would come in a lot of colors and cost less than $100 but I am not too picky on price.

I have three of these dream skirts which i bought at target of all places a couple years ago and have been staples in my closet for years. They are sadly showing wear at this point and I need to start looking for replacements.

If no one knows of anything in stores, does anyone have any experience in getting this sort of thing made? I’d be into spending a bit of money making copies of these skirts. They fit bizarrely well (again given that they are from target) and are exactly what I am looking for.

If you are willing to sacrifice one of the skirts, a tailor may be able to take in apart, draft pattern pieces and construct a new one from scratch. I have no idea what the pricing on that would be – you might start with places that do custom dress-making, either to do the work or for references to who might do so.

This is apropos! I just this morning discovered that Lands End has resurrected its Canvas line. This pencil skirt looks gorgeous: http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-pencil-skirt/id_298452?sku_0=::JBK

They also have a striped version for $10 more. And check out the beautiful dresses. I’ll be stalking the sale rack later this year…

thanks for all those that provided such great advice for my upcoming DC trip! it was very helpful!
I have a follow-on question, I’m in between a flat a house ( on 15th northwest) and one a few blocks from Eastern market. does anyone know how they would compare as far as safety is concerned ?
thanks!

If you’re purely concerned about feeling safe, both are fine but have downsides. The overall neighborhood for the 15th Street place has less crime, but Franklin and McPherson Sq (where I’m assuming the property is located based on your description) are gathering points for some of the city’s homeless population, which can make people feel unsafe even though you are unlikely to have an actual safety issue. Conversely, the Eastern Market neighborhood tends to have more crime relative to downtown, but I wouldn’t call it an unsafe area.

You have a kid, and were looking to spend most of your time by the monuments, mall, and museums, right? If so, I’d suggest the 15th Street place, assuming it is actually a few blocks from the White House. It’s much more walkable to the mall and other sightseeing destinations, and there a few parks nearby where your kid can run around. From Eastern Market you’ll be taking the metro back and forth each day, and that can be a pain, especially on weekends. The Eastern Market neighborhood has a lot more character, but you’re better off checking it out for an hour or two on a weekend morning (when the vendors are set up), rather than hauling yourself from there to the mall with a stroller every day.

Shopping help please!! I know this has been discussed before… But I haven’t been able to find anything that works and I feel like others must have the same issue: a bag that fits legal size folders comfortably and is professional looking. Something in between a briefcase and a nylon bag would be ideal. Budget is under $300-400 but I would like to keep it around $200 if possible. I’m a lawyer taking it to court a few times a week. Any ideas? Legal size redweld folders are 16 inches so it has to be 17 inches wide. Thank you in advance!!!

Over your budget, so I realize this is of limited help, but look at Tumi’s Sinclair business totes (they have 2 big enough for redwells). I have the predecessor tote from 10 years ago that has been amazing (used pretty much daily), but is finally ready to be replaced. But, it was $300 when I got mine – prices have gone up :(. I’m either going to try to find a Sinclair tote on eBay or wait for a sale (20-25% off happens periodically).

I got engaged over the weekend and I’m wondering about resizing the ring (it was my grandmother’s). We took it to a reputable jeweler who was recommended to us over the weekend and will drop the ring off to him on Tuesday. He said it would take about a week. He sized my finger as a 3 1/2, but now I’m wondering if I should get the ring in a size 4. I’m worried about losing it, but also about it being too tight, and I don’t want to have to make it bigger later since it’s an heirloom. Thoughts? Did you size up? TIA!

My ring size fluctuated from a 4 to a 5 depending on swelling (I got sized many times) and I got a 4.5 most of the time it doesn’t catch on my knuckle as much as it should, but in the morning I can’t get it on for an hour or so after waking up. I don’t know if that range is normal, but I would take your average size over several sizings and go with that. If you don’t want to make it smaller, I think they can put little round things on the inside of the ring that make it fit smaller without actually resizing the ring.

I just want to say that if it’s a good jeweler you can probably trust his sizing recommendation. Have his size it again when you drop off the ring, and discuss your concerns with him. My guy told me that wider bands should probably be sized more generously than thinner ones.

FWIW, my engagement ring is a tiny bit on the large size and it’s surprisingly annoying. (I’m leaving it as is because I’m switching it to my right hand after the wedding and it fits fine on that hand.) So you really do want to aim for a nice, snug fit that isn’t too too tight.

My engagement ring is .25 or .5 sizes too big for me and, while it was wearable (I now wear only my wedding band), I really prefer my correctly-sized wedding band. The engagement ring often felt as though it was in danger of falling off, particularly if my hands were wet, cold, or both. I once nearly lost it in a gutter in DC because as I was removing my backpack, it caught the ring and flung it off. The suggestion above for spacers is good if you don’t want to do multiple resizes, but I strongly recommend that you not size up.

My ring size fluctuates between 4.25 and 4.5 and I went with 4.5. My ring (which I also got this weekend:-) is a little loose if it’s cold, but I have another ring that’s a 4.25 and basically impossible to get on and off if my fingers are even slightly swollen from heat/salt/etc. There are 1/4 sizes, so maybe try 3.75? I wanted mine loose enough so it won’t require butter or ice to remove, but not so loose I was going to worry about it flying off.

Not sure if you are still reading, but I got a slightly bigger engagement ring, but my wedding ring is slightly smaller and basically serves to keep my engagement ring in the right place. If I needed to, I could always mess with the wedding ring, which is a simple wedding band in the same color and metal as the engagement ring, so that may be an option for you.

I got engaged in December and the ring was probably .25 too big but my future MIL advised me to wait until summer because apparently your fingers swell. I can confirm that my finger size changes dramatically throughout the day. I am probably going to live with it until we get wedding bands, then try it on with that because having the E ring that tiny bit higher on the finger will probably make all the difference. Congrats!!!