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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Add “having a marriage contract” to the incredibly large amount of things that Madonna is responsible for that suck. Jesus, it must have sucked to be Guy Ritchie for almost 8 years. Then again, what was he thinking? Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce- it came out that Madonna had a contract hanging from her fridge or something that listed all the things Guy was supposed to do in their marriage- read up on the Kabbalah- schedule times for sex! On second thought, I guess you kinda need to schedule sex with Madonna, cause if you don’t, you’ll wind up bumping into the Detroit Pistons one day while you’re hanging around your bedroom (she’s a whore!).

Seriously, who does Madonna think she’s reinvented herself into this time? And take a look at that picture up there- how much work is she having done- this chick looks like she’s been cut more times than Blade Runner.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I understand that Robo Calls are despicable vehicles for misinformation and smears, but what I don’t understand is, who the hell is listening to them all the way?

I don’t get the problem- hang up the phone. Yeah, I get it that they’re saying mean and untrue things about your candidate but who is staying on the phone to listen to a mechanic voice spread rumors about someone? When I get a “robo-call” I hang up- I don’t know any robots, why would I talk to any of them?

Is it like, “Oh, this robot may have something important to say to me”? I don’t think it is, I think we have a lot of lonely people out there, listening to a mechanical voice on the other end of the line say bad things about Barack Obama.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Who would have thought this guy made porn? I mean, look at him- honestly- porn? No way. A baker maybe. EMS worker sure, but the guy who directed “Deep Throat”? I’m sorry, I don’t see it.

Anyway, the Reaper is a perv. Yesterday he took Gerard Damiano, aka Jerry Gerard, the man who made “Deep Throat”. Deep Throat was made reportedly for 25 grand and grossed 600 million or something like that. It was probably one of the most profitable films ever made- and certainly one of the most profitable financed by the mafia ("Rug Rats In Paris" not withstanding.) It also became the code name for Mark Felt, who contributed information to Woodward and Bernstein that you might say played a role in bringing down Richard Nixon.

So, good night, Gerard Damiano and thank you for your film about a woman who has a “clitoris” (still not sure what that is) in the back of her throat. Your contribution to society has done wonders for the movie business, politics and probably tissue sales worldwide (it’s a tear jerker).

Monday, October 27, 2008

Hey look, I’m scuba diving- deep under the water- sure I’m vulnerable to sharks and barracuda attacks, but at least I’m safe from snakes, right? No? There are some that live down here as well? Oh, and they’re vicious? AND THEY CAN GIVE ME AN ELECTRIC SHOCK? You’re shitting me. Hey G-d, you’re fired.

The ELECTRIC eel, by the way technically a fish- a KNIFEFISH- can weigh 45 pounds and grow to 8 feet long. They have two bites- one where they shock the shit out of you- (500 volts) and one where they merely shock you so you get away from there permanently traumatized that you were bitten by some psycho underwater snake that has electric current running through it. So basically, like a Star Trek weapon, an eel can set itself on stun or kill.

So, hey God, nice job inventing the eel.

Every moment you spend in the ocean without being attacked is a victory.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Look, I think it says volumes that the only sound investment you can make right now is “Brother Can You Spare a Dime” signs. The Dow Jones has taken more dives than Mike Tyson opponents post release from prison.

...Cats

I don’t get the ‘tude. If anyone should be moody it should be the human who owns the house you poop in a box in. Also, I don’t care how superior you think you are, one of your main toys is string!

…Joe The Plumber

The guy is a plumber, so first of all- why am I supposed to be worried about his financial situation- you hire a plumber for anything recently? Folks, we’re not living in the time of the Honeymooners, those fuckers are expensive. He’s gonna be okay. You want to worry about someone? Worry about the person who has to pay him 135 dollars an hour while he recites republican talking points with his ass-crack hanging out!

…Madonna

How come she never re-invents herself as someone I can like? Just once I'd like to see her become a cool, brave fireman or something- she can even be a whorish fireman if she wants. There have been about 100 Madonnas over the course of her life, I don’t like any of them- who to hate more- cone bra Madonna, New Age Kabbalah Madonna or skanky old Lady who f’s A-rod Madonna? I guess it's why we all keep tuning in.

…Sarah Palin

Continues to work the “because he said he’d ‘spread the wealth around’/ Obama’s a socialist” angle even though she is the governor of a state in which each resident is given a kickback from the oil companies. And clearly, as shown on various videos on the net, has no clue what a Vice President does. Now she rails against Barack for being an elitist, yet has dropped 150K on clothes since she was chosen two and a half months ago. You heard it here first “Pulling A Palin” is officially a euphemism for “talking out of your ass only to be interrupted and contradicted by your own dick” (or vag where it may apply).

Thursday, October 23, 2008

My Computer Died (Kinda!) The plug thing won't charge my computer, (not the adapter, the thing you plug your adapter into) and because there is a scratch on my computer the Mac store ironically titled "genius" bar is treating this like its a "pre-existing" condition. Ergo, my battery has about 2.5 hours left on it, and unless I figure something out, that's all the time I have with my precious laptop.

Thusly Applecare= being friggin worthless!

When did the Mac store become like our health care system?!

I am so pissed right now I'm considering voting for McCain, because if he won, I know it would be the only way I can ruin those smug bastards' day.

Those orange shirted dickwands are basically disqualifying me from using Applecare. I either have to buy a new computer (serious cash right now) or pay 1200 bucks to fix my current computer! Or go with a Dell like the great unwashed.

Either way I'm gonna be down until Monday- as I absorbed the bullshit Mac beatdown. Have a good weekend and I hope the Mac store doesn't do to your privates what its doing to mine!

As anyone who has read this blog for any period of time knows, I have long been an outspoken critic of Blackwell and everything he stood for- dressing well, double entendre, pseudonyms to name a few.

I have long felt he went over the line in pointing out who was poorly dressed and in my opinion, had turned into a more and more bitter man with each successive list. Why did he die now however? Well, I managed to obtain and early draft of his Worst Dressed List for 2009. Take a look at number 4, I think it’s self explanatory.

4. Skull, dark robe and scythe? The Reaper’s outfit is the opposite of life! Always wearing the same thing is certainly dim, no wonder they call him grim! Jeepers creepers, when it comes to fashion you SHOULD fear the reaper!

Farewell, Blackwell good luck telling the Devil he shouldn’t wear those shoes with those pants. Please find below, WhatSucksBlog moving tribute to Blackwell.

It’s well chronicled how much of a douchenut this guy is and how in an era of a President taking a country to war under false pretenses, insurance companies denying clients the healthcare they pay for, and executives of major oil companies heading up agencies set up to protect the environment, this dick-jiggle has chosen to make his stand shitting on what hot chicks wear. Yet once again Blackwell has released his in his annual “Worst Dressed List” and once again, he continues to go too far.

Quick side note: making number ten on the list- Alison Arngrim. I’ll save you the google search- she played Nellie Oleson on Little House on the Prairie. I’m glad that out of all the women in the world dressing inappropriately, Blackwell has decided to go after Nellie Oleson. What is this, payback for stealing an apple from Mary Ingels? She hasn’t worked since a 2 hour, made for TV “Little House” back in 1983- I’d like to see Blackwell try and impress on the red carpet when all he can wear is what he finds at the Culver City TJ Maxx. Blackwell = serious dick.

Here’s the list- as you’ll see, everything Blackwell wrote is in bold and is WAY over the line. If any of the women had husbands worth a damn, Mr. Blackwell would have his ass kicked.

10. Alison Arngrim: Blackwell’s take: "Little Nellie of the prairie, looks like a 1940's fashion editor for the Farmers Almanac.”

- Really, Blackwell? What’s you’re take on the chick who played “Mary Bradford” on Eight is Enough? Oh, I guess I’ll have to wait till next year for that. Nice insult too, you don’t even try to rhyme or explain to anyone under 35 what Little House on the Prairie was. Clearly you asked for permission to borrow one of Nellie’s outfits for a masquerade party and when Ms. Arngrim refused, you put her on the list. Bush league.

9. Lindsay Lohan: Blackwell’s take: "Lindsay the fashion frenzy strikes again! Lohan takes fashion to a new low. No wonder she drinks like a fish, I would too, if I dressed like this.”

- Lohan has long been a target of Blackwell’s but throwing her recent drinking issues into this is just uncalled for.

8. Jessica Simpson: Blackwell’s take: "Forget the Cowboys. In prom queen screams, can it get any worse? She's a global fashion curse!...Are pink Cowboy jerseys now the plan? Throw her in a burka and ship her to Afghanistan.”

- Look, I don’t like Jessica Simpson either, but calling for her to be subject to the Taliban’s extreme Sharia law is a little over the line. I guess Blackwell is just jealous that she got Tony Romo before he did.

7. Avril Lavigne: Blackwell’s take: "Gothic make-up courtesy the mad spatula — Fashions provided by ... The house of Dracula!...That eyeliner is on much too thick, here’s to hoping she kisses Magic Johnson and then gets sick.”

- I’m just stunned by this one. Over the line, insensitive, whatever else you want to throw in there- I mean this is offensive in countless ways.

6. Eva Green: Blackwell’s take: "Stuck in neon nightmares not fit for the sane. Fashion this loud could give Bond a migraine! A profusion of confusion from toes to nose! If Connery was still Bond, he’d slap the shit out of her and rightfully so.”

- Obviously Blackwell feels Sean Connery should be celebrated for his 1987 admission to Barbara Walters that a women should be hit to “keep her in line”. How does he get away with this? No woman, especially Eva Green, deserves to be beaten for what they wear.

5. Kelly Clarkson: Blackwell’s take: "Her heavenly voice soars above the rest ... but those belly-baring bombs are hellish at best! She may be the queen of 'Pro-Active' — but that wardrobe looks downright radioactive! What she wears is so downright rotten, it’s probably a source of comfort for Osama Bin Laden.”

- Why is Blackwell so angry?

4. Fergie: Blackwell’s take: "Another style-free 'Fergie' in fashion's hall of shame? Yes, when it comes to couture chaos, guess it's all in a name!..Every outfit she’s in looks like death, it says a lot about someone when they look better addicted to Meth. And Sarah Ferguson is a lonely hag.”

- There’s a lot going on here. Blackwell still obviously hates Sarah Ferguson- almost 2 decades removed from relevance- I guess she got to Prince Andrew before Blackwell could. As for bringing up Fergie’s past experience with Meth, all this woman did was put on a questionable outfit, why does that subject her to such attacks?

3. Mary Kate Olsen: Blackwell’s take: "YIKES! In layers of cut-rate kitsch, Mary Kate's look is hard to explain ... she resembles a tattered toothpick-trapped in a hurricane!...I don’t like her in this, I don’t like her in that, and is it just me or is she getting fat?”

- First off, Mary-Kate’s struggle with anorexia is well documented I just hope Mary-Kate doesn’t read this, luckily, I don’t think she can read. I just hope no one reads this to her.

2. Amy Winehouse: Blackwell’s take: "Exploding beehives above … tacky polka-dots below ... she's part 50's car-hop horror….A make-over is what she needs, dressed like this she couldn’t even get raped by the Janjaweed.”

- I’m completely horrified and speechless. Also, I think Blackwell left out the word “show” after “car-hop horror”. If he said “car-hop horror SHOW” it would have rhymed. But that is neither here nor there, the story on this one is a Janjaweed rape reference.

What’s up with this dude? What a dickhead. Is there a more useless human being on the face of the Earth? I mean seriously, snarky comments and bad puns about what young women are wearing? Is that what you’re gonna contribute to society? Is that your legacy? Add a mustache and an attempt to ethnically cleanse the Kurds, and you’re Saddam.

I have a question- hey A-hole, what are YOU wearing? An ascot, no doubt. There can’t be anyone out there who enjoys his puns, can there? Teetering back and forth from the lame to the downright vicious. I think we can call him “Mr. Black…SOUL”. How does that feel, a-hole? Did you know you made Madonna cry once? Is this the mark you wanted to leave on the world?

What lies ahead for Mr. Blackwell.

And you thought puns were harmless, let’s break down this year’s list…

NOTE: I suspect that is a reference to the Dreamgirls, which features neither Britney nor Paris. Right off the bat, Blackwell has dug himself a hole. It’s not like these two a-holes have been dressing poorly for a short time either- Blackwell had time to put this together, yet he stumbles out of the gate!

2. Camilla Parker-Bowles"The Duchess of Dowdy strikes again! In feathered hats that were once the rage, she resembles a parakeet from the Jurassic age. A royal wreck."

NOTE: A frequent Blackwell target, he takes a cheap shot at her age, never forgiving her for ending Diana Spencer’s loveless marriage. Blackwell, cut her some slack! She’s 60 for Christ sakes!

NOTE: Lohan’s liver is failing her as we speak, her well documented run at death coming to a close, and Blackwell won’t let her slip into the abyss without taking one last cheap shot. I’m sure the Lord will enjoy this pun when you explain it to him at the Pearly Gates, that’s if they let snarky bitches into Heaven!

4. Christina Aguilera “La Diva Christina is a dazzling singer, But she puts good taste through the wardrobe wringer! All crass, no class!.”

NOTE: Blackwell employs his patented backhanded compliment here by praising Xtina’s voice before trashing her clothes. You’re the one with no class, Blackwell, Christina is “Beautiful…in every single way”. Jeezus, I’m becoming him…what’s happening to me?

5. Mariah Carey "Mariah the fashion pariah has finally found her stylistic niche … let's crown her the Queen of Catastrophic Kitsch".

NOTE: Can’t really complain about this one, Blackwell is right on the money. Mariah is a train wreck.

NOTE: The “fallen fashion idol” line was clearly written by his assistant in a desperate attempt to salvage his own job. As for the first part of Blackwell’s insult, I have no idea what he’s talking about.”

7. Sharon Stone "It's clear Sharon's misplaced her fashion gift. An over-the-hill Cruella de Vil - after a seismic shift! Her fashion sense needs some grace from heaven, her outfit at the golden Globes was worse than 9-11”

NOTE: Blackwell makes an ill-advised reference to the villain from 101 Dalmatians before shockingly going over the line by invoking 9-11.

8. Tori Spelling "All chills and no thrills, Tori's down and out in Beverly Hills! She's definitely under fashion duress - positive proof that more is really less!"

NOTE: Nice, her dad’s body isn’t even cold yet, douchebag.

9. Sandra Oh "Layered lunacy - from toes to nose…or as she pronounces it…”rows to lows”.

NOTE: Blackwell pulls a wild card, probably sensing that Oh, after years of being on Arli$$, and with things FINALLY going her way had to be taken down a notch. The 2nd part of his attack is just blatantly racist.

10. Meryl Streep "From Streep you could weep, her beauty of a career cannot be denied, but that beast of a wardrobe is pure mother of the bride. This award winning actress is no longer pretty, and she should be sent to Sadr City."

NOTE: Blackwell takes on Streep, you can tell he’s nervous because his rhyme scheme is off then he advocates sending Meryl Streep to one of the most dangerous parts of the war.

Tacky? Yes, but ship her to Sadr City? I don't think so.

What’s with the hostility to our nation’s hotties? This dude is a serious buzz-kill.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Asked to identify a body part in which an unexplained itch would cause them the most concern, What Sucks readers overwhelmingly chose their “Privates” by a large margin. The real race was for 2nd place where “Ass” and “Inner Ear” seem to be battling it out to the finish.

Incidentally, “nose”, of the 56 votes cast so far, received none. A first for a What Sucks Flash Poll, where a category is completely shut out. I guess if you folks have an itchy nose, you could basically give a shit.

Congrats those who voted for “privates”, here’s hoping you have a good weekend and your continued vigilance against unwanted vag and ball itch pays off for you. And if your privates ARE currently itching, get yourself to a licensed- and he/ she should be licensed- physician.

Okay America, this weekend is your big chance. You have a bevy of films opening up this weekend and I’m just saying that perhaps you should go see them, or check out the ones that you’ve been putting off seeing because well, FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA WAS NUMBER 1!

Let me repeat, Beverly Hills Chihuahua was # 1, TWO weeks in a row? What. The. F. By the way, I thought we were in an economic meltdown- people still have money to spend on Beverly Hills Chihuahua? These are end of times, aren’t they? Sarah Palin could be VP, banks can’t stay open- and it’s not like they have long hours or anything and now a movie about talking Chihuahuas is number one at the box office two weeks in a row.

Look, I’m not much for dolling out advice, but here’s some- don’t start any new books, you won’t get to finish them, - the four horsemen are on their way.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Facebook has to be fucking with me, right? There’s no way they think I know Mitt Romney- I friggin hate that guy- I would NEVER, NEVER friend him- and I friend a lot of people.

And the Mullah Omar thing is just way out of line- you can’t join Facebook and use as you profile pic, the only picture of you that exists, can you? And can you even join Facebook if you’re the leader of the Taliban? No Facebook, I do not “know” him.

And that George Lopez thing is total bullshit- although, I kind of hope it’s not- I want to pitch him on this screenplay I’m writing called “Cats With Mexican Accents!”

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Look, I know I’m not exactly breaking new ground here and I definitely do not watch this show (I’ve thrown the wife under the buses for less) but holy shitballs does Private Practice suck.

It’s from the same people who do Grey’s Anatomy. So right there it’s like “from the makers piss…it’s shit!”

Take for example, the clip above. Go ahead, watch it- it’s only two minutes. Don’t want to? Perfectly reasonable. I wouldn’t. Here it is summed up…

Amy Brenneman plays a psychologist on the show- she’s a doctor. She went to medical school, highly respected in her firm, licensed- and in the above clip she delivers a tear filled monologue about her ass. I repeat- she’s crying hysterically about her ass. No she’s not a patient about to be sent away to a funny farm- she’s a DOCTOR! A SHRINK EVEN- and she’s crying about her own ass!

This is a scene that was a) written, b) directed and c) acted. No one along the way thought that maybe, you know, it was a little retarded? That perhaps, it was incredibly stupid? Everyone signed off on the ass crying scene?

9 million people watch this show each week- they’re all okay with it? I’ve seen more well-rounded female characters in the “Emmanuelle In Space” series, WTF, America?

Private Practice- also has various scenes where these doctor chicks get together and binge eat because their respective love interests don’t say hi to them every day. These are doctors- how does Private Practice think regular women react? How long before we see…

INT. HOSPITAL. DAY.

Addison enters, she passes her diploma from Johns Hopkins that hangs on the wall before seeing Dr. Naomi Bennett sitting on the couch, eating ice cream out of a carton.

ADDISONYeah, totally repaired that baby’s spleen.

NAOMIThen why do you seem so down?

ADDISONArgh! That stupid UPS man didn’t say hi to me.

NAOMIGirlfriend, grab a spoon.

So let me get this straight Grey’s Anatomy/ Private Practice people- chicks can go to med school, become doctors but they’re still gonna be whores and sleep with every thing that moves (Grey’s Anatomy) or have existential crisis’s about their own asses?

In it’s ongoing efforts to better know and thus serve their ever growing audience, WhatSucksBlog.com is asking readers to weigh in as to what part of their bodies frightens them most, when it itches. The unscientific, survey asks readers to choose from their “Privates” (either sex, not including ass), their “ass”, their “inner ear” and their “nose”.

The blog also invites readers to write in a body part in the comments section (as long as they promise to not be racist). So vote and vote often- and remember the poll is located to the right of this posting, the image above is just a picture of the question!

Good luck and remember it’s anonymous- so no one will know if your frightened when your ass itches!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

You’re part owner in 7 banks! Way to go, although I DO have to question your timing as far a when you got into the business (seems like shit is hitting the fan now) but congrats nonetheless. Give yourself free checking, you deserve it.

By the way, Joyce in account management needs next Thursday off, Kevin in credit is two weeks late on his quarterly projection report and the toilets in 275 of the 9 million branches you now part-own, runs. You have to call someone for that- this is the 7000th time someone has complained.

Let me get this straight, man continues to fuck up the earth, anyone who stands up for it is openly derided and those who want to shoot wolves from airplanes are anointed Vice President? Nice job everyone, seriously, take a bow.

A recent report stated that up to 25%, one quarter of all mammals are at risk for extinction. That means, if you have 4 animal friends, there’s a distinct possibility that one of them will be dead when you get home.

And before you get all “who cares?” on me, realize that this report is only talking about mammals- that means that of the animals about to go extinct, we’re NOT talking about sharks (not a mammal), snakes (not a mammal), roaches (not a mammal) or poisonous spiders (not mammals). That’s right, those species will be fine and will remain with us, along with Scorpions, ticks and pigeons. We’re talking mammals dying off here- basically, your dogs, your cats, monkeys that you love so much from the 1996 film “Ed” and a red tailed lemur or two.

If you live in America, and avoid bears, you basically shouldn’t have any problems with mammals. Fine, every once in a while some gets mauled in California from a Mountain Lion, and yes, I do believe badgers are bastards and I think they are mammals, but can’t we get our shit together enough to save puppies? And kittens? And blue whales? And giraffes? How cool are they? They’re necks are so friggin long- and did you ever see them fight? It’s fucked up.

Don’t just leave us with scorpions and tarantulas- remember, if you’re reading this, you’re either a very smart Emu or you’re a mammal too.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Wow. Really hitting the economic crisis story from all angles, aren’t we now? Or is there just the slightest possibility that the writer of this article, oh, I don’t know, was perhaps caught with a hooker and then tried to make it look like he was “doing research for a piece”.

What’s tomorrow’s Daily News story gonna be? “Coke Dealers Feeling The Pinch Of Bear Market”? You’re not fooling anyone, perv- if you’re gonna go to a hooker and then get caught, do us a favor and leave us out of it.

Let’s be honest, right now the world is the leftover poop in the carcass of a three-week dead possum lying on the side of the road that takes you to Newark. These could very well be the end of days.

At home, people not only believe Barack Obama is a terrorist, they’re openly and aggressively admitting it on video, on multiple occasions. Here, one particular woman (like half way in) gives her name to the guy videotaping her.

Take a second to break this down - these people think and thusly hate Obama because they think he’s Muslim, which he is not- therefore they are wrong, factually. Add to that the concept of hating a person just because he is a Muslim, which makes them and wrong morally. Bottom line? This country can’t even produce good racists!

How do you fuck up being a racist? It’s simple- you see someone and you hate them. These people are a disgrace to all the racists out there who take the time to educate themselves on who to hate. It’s pathetic. They are a disgrace to racism. What the fuck is wrong with this country? Hey racists- get your shit together!

You think we’re coming out of this meltdown? We can’t even hate right!

Friday, October 03, 2008

In another record setting WhatSucksBlog flash poll turn out, (62 votes!) readers of What Sucks from across the world (I once saw an IP address from Frankfurt) have chosen to make believe they are NOT “into” feet, to the tune of 50 votes to 12.

All right, I’ll play your little game of denial, sure- you’re NOT into feet, whatever. For the 11 of you (besides me) who were honest, God bless your foot-lovin’ souls. This one is for you!

What Sucks Mission Statement

Suckiness surrounds us all, gripping us in a vice-like hold, with the ferocity of a bear trap made of shit. My mission? To offer insight and shed understanding on the vast, seemingly endless, black hole of crap each one of us has to face on a daily basis. And while that torrent of bullshit is both mammoth in scope and unyielding in its advance, at least here it can be called it out for what it is- a lot of shit that really sucks.

So join me- everyday I’ll shine the spotlight on something that sucks. And your comments, until you weird me out, are always welcome. That being said, thanks for stopping by and sorry everything sucks so bad.

About Me

Chris DeLuca is a writer/ producer/ comic currently living in Hoboken, the Prague of New Jersey. He's written for a bunch of TV shows you probably have not watched or heard of (United States of Hip Hop, Nikki & Sara Live, Mob Wives Reunion, BET's Don't Sleep, and Fuse News- see?) as well as Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn, Best Week Ever, Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson and the 12/12/12 Concert For Sandy Relief. He was also the "World's Oldest Intern" on VH1's Big Morning Buzz. In 2009 he created, wrote and starred in the hilarious, and subversive “Mocap, LLC" on Spike. Sadly, he thinks he caused his parent's divorce.