Friday, March 7, 2008

The Matron Must Hire a Hit Man

Please do not misunderstand. The Matron allows spiders to procreate in her kitchen. She will sidestep a bug.

She loves dogs! She considers herself a Dog Person. For nearly 15 years, she doted on this one:

Thurston had issues. Primarily, he had an amazing eating disorder: he ate everything.

One steaming July day, this dog ate 64 balloons waiting to be filled with water for a child's birthday party. The Matron--with a baby plastered to her breast and a yard full of children--wrenched these iron jaws open to pour hydrogen peroxide down the resisting throat.

Three doses of peroxide and ten gallons of Matronly sweat later, he did. Red, yellow, blue, purple and green--they all came up.

Eva was beside herself with pleasure. "Oh, Mary! This is so much better than daycare!"

Thurston's poop was always informational. So that's where the Polly Pocket went! That's what happened to the crayons! Here's the key!

And when Thurston's 14 year old body failed him and he needed hand-feeding and diapering, the Matron took on these tasks without hesitation.

What a good person that Matron is!

Now that Thurston is gone, it is this boy's turn to go through the geriatric shuffle:

The Matron hopes that her children are watching how she tends to old age, even if it is of the canine variation. She would like equal treatment.

Pee just falls from Jekyll. He can't help it. You can scream in his ear: "Don't pee in the house!" And it won't matter, not because he doesn't understand but because he cannot hear you.

He is so blind that one must point his snout in direction of his food and shove him out the open door (which he doesn't notice).

Mostly, he is spending his 15th year sleeping on the most expensive chair in the house.

How patient is the Matron!

Reader, she is asking you to forgive her single shortcoming, her sole murderous impulse. Here is the current bane of the Matronly existence:

This dog weighs 14 pounds. According to the Matron's estimation, he produces twice his body weight in poop, daily--inside the house!

This dog's official food is one half cup of dry nugget. The Matron is unclear where he gets the fuel for such copious discharge.

Poop in Scarlett's bedroom.

Pee on the upstairs carpet (Jekyll doesn't do stairs so she knows who to blame!)

Poop in the basement.

Poop in the dining room.

Poop in the hallway.

This dog, Scruffy, is a recent acquisition. The children love Satan's Familiar beyond reason. Scruffy loves to be carried. He wears cute sweaters. He sleeps under the covers. He plays fetch.

But when the children aren't here to entertain him, he spends his time barking: yap, yap, yap. Did that dust particle move? "Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap"

Recently, the Matron treated herself to lunch with a friend.

Scruffy also dined. He devoured the contents of 10 party bags for Merrick's birthday massacre: Hershey Kisses, Sweet-tarts, gum. Scarlett had carefully (spent hours!) created this surprise for Merrick, hid the bags in her closet.

29 comments:

You are a Saint with a special place in heaven. What we do for our children goes beyond anything we could have imagined.

I hate to tell you this, but my best friend had the same feelings toward a certain family cat.....daily she prayed that cat would die......and it eventually did, at the ripe old age of 25, many years after all her children had left the house.

In our house it is not the dog but the cat who is to blame. She is, as my husband likes to say in an immensely sarcastic voice, "a sensitive cat". Cat puke almost daily. Yet she still eats anything green she can find (to which she has allergies and gets hot spots. Do not ask me how much it cost to find out the sores were from allergies). Self-destructive twit.

Thanks for coming by the blog. I'm having fun reading your back posts ....

ok, katie realises she is rather confused cos is stlll lmao about Thurston and the balloons!!!and katie realises that it could be tricky for Lucy-The-Outside-Cat to hang with Thurston...and that her comment sounded murderous.*slaps forehead*please oh please can Lucy-The-Outside-Cat come hang with Jekyll/Scruffy???Xd

Oh, sweet Matron ... I, too, spent years wondering how in the world Foxie Doxie wormed his pooping, peeing, shedding, not listening self into my house. I've finally stopped wishing him ill ... most of the time. Thanks for the funny story and for letting me know I'm not alone in the love/hate dog world.

I've just leaned over to my 6 year old Golden, who is afraid of EVERYTHING - including our cats, storms, a wavering leaf - and demands to be held when any of these things frighten her, and given her a big smooch and hug for being such a wonderful dog.