Listen, Greg, I've got the next big reality show: we put a bunch of people on a plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals... that the pilot is a six year old boy. We call it "Child Hell Flight."

Jonathan:

[gasps with excitement, then sees Liz] Get out of here! He is pitching a no hitter!

Liz:

What?

Jonathan:

Starting at four o'clock yesterday, when Mr. Donaghy coined the word "innoventually," he has been flawless!

Liz:

So why do I have to leave?

Jonathan:

Because you have so many unsolvable problems. Like your mouth. Looks like somebody kicked a hole in a bag of flour.

Liz:

[punches Jonathan]

Jonathan:

Ow!

Jack:

Good news, Jonathan. "Child Hell Flight" will innoventually be on the springs schedule.

Jonathan:

Oh! Congratulations, sir. Miss Lemon was just leaving.

Jack:

Uh, no! Lemon, please come in. When you're pitching a perfect game you don't walk Albert Pujols, and you are the Albert Pujols of having problems.

Jonathan:

Perfect game, huh?

Jack:

I haven't done a single thing wrong in almost twenty four hours. And I'm including sex last night. Here's Avery's thank you note.

Jonathan:

[reads note] Och! She likes that?

Jack:

No. But she respects it when it's done correctly. Lemon, you may be witnessing history here. Making it through a full twenty four hours without a single misstep is called "Reaganing." The only other people who've ever done it: Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and -- no judement -- Saddam Hussein. So, what have you got for me?

Jonathan:

I need to get out to Newark airport. Carol's on a layover and I really have to see him.

Jack:

You're horny and you want to get some. I get it.

Jonathan:

Ew, Jack, gross! Come on! I just want to see him and I can't get a cab because Greece is playing Pakistan in soccer.

Jack:

Problem solved! I'll take you.

Jonathan:

Really?

Jack:

I'll drop you off at the airport then I'll swing by MSNBC. I have to talk to Rachel Maddow. Only one of us can have this haircut.

The Carvel Card

Tracy:

K-Swiss, I need to cancel my gig for hosting the MTV International Video Music Awards.

I hate to bail, but I've been asked to do a commercial for the Boys and Girls Club of America, and I just can't turn down community service. Because if I do that judge will make me join the Coast Guard.

Jenna:

Well I also recently received an unexpected honor... from the Carvel Ice Cream Corporation. [holds up "FREE ice cream for life" Carvel card] They gave me this after I performed on their Kids 4-Eva float during last year's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Parade Children:

[flashback] [singing] Ice cream, hey don't you want some ice cream.

Tracy:

I don't watch the Macy's Parade. If I want to see a fifty foot Spider-Man, I just go into my rec room, thank you.

Jenna:

Kenneth, take this card and get a cake for the crew.

Kenneth:

Oh, that's very thoughtful Miss Maroney.

Jenna:

Well, one of the camera guys just had a baby. And I'm sick of hearing about it. This will put me back on top.

Liz vs Reagan

Jack:

What's wrong, Lemon? When I see you chew your nails like that, it's either you're very anxious or you handled some ham earlier.

Liz:

When I get to the airport I'm going to break up with Carol.

Jack:

What? Lemon I am shocked. You two seemed so happy. The other day I saw you in the lobby, laughing together.

Lemon, I've known you for four years, and in that time I've never known you to be shy... about talking... about anything.

Liz:

[flashback 1] Well, I found my first grade toe knuckle hair.

Liz:

[flashback 2] If I could push a button and five people in the world would die but I'd get free cable for life... I'd do it.

Liz:

[flashback 3] ...and I'd been on the toilet so long my legs had fallen asleep, so when I tried to stand I just fell into my throw up.

Jack:

There is one thing you don't like to talk about.

Liz:

Why aren't we moving?

Jack:

Sex, Lemon. Coitus. The beast with two backs. You and I have never had an adult conversation about boning.

Liz:

Och! Fine. Carol and I are having... an intimacy problem.

Jack:

Okay. So tell me what happened.

Liz:

I was visiting Carol in Las Vegas and there was... a performance issue.

Jack:

That does happen to men. I've faced it myself, with Greta Van Susteren BEFORE her head transplant. You know, why don't I call Carol--

Liz:

No! Don't do that!

Jack:

I'm Reaganing, Lemon. Let me solve this.

Liz:

It's not him, it's me. I'm the one with the performance problem.

Jack:

What- What are you talking about?

Liz:

I freaked out and my junk closed for business. It's like Fort Knox down there.

Limo Driver:

I'm just going to raise the barrier if that's okey dokey with everyone.

Liz:

[watching barrier close] It's kind of like that.

Take One

Shawn:

Tracy, I haven't seen you since I was directing Garfield 3 and you ruined it. I had to move back in with my parents.

Tracy:

I envy you. I don't really know my parents.

Shawn:

Hokay, lemme take you through the concept. It's all one shot, all right? We start on a boy shooting a basketball, pan to some girls double dutching, we pass the kid who does a flip on a trampoline, follow a skateboarder who jumps the curb and whizzes past... you. For your line.

Tracy:

What line?

Shawn:

"Boys and Girls Clubs of America -- Be Great!" [long pause] We faxed the script to someone named "Griz?"

Tracy:

Scripts get in the way of my process, Shawn. Let's just shoot a hundred of these and see what we get.

Cake Mistake

Kenneth:

Here's your cake, Miss Maroney!

Jenna:

Let's see. [reads cake] Jenny? That's not my name. I don't want Wheelchair Jenny from accounting getting credit for my cake. Take it back to Carvel.

Kenneth:

But then they'll just throw it out.

Jenna:

So?

Kenneth:

I know food's plentiful around here, Miss Maroney, but back home on our pig farm times are tough. We've had to sell off Sally, Julie, and Poppy.

Jenna:

Are those some of your pigs?

Kenneth:

... Yes.

Jenna:

Take the cake back, Kenneth.

The Analysis

Jack:

You know your little problem makes sense, Lemon? You have more sexual hangups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried.

Liz:

What?

Jack:

That was written by a computer program we're working on to replace you.

Liz:

No. I don't have "hang ups."

Jack:

You don't think you're a bit of a prude? A little squeamish and conservative?

We're causing a huge traffic jam while getting paid to make dreams. We're the luckiest people on earth! Now someone get me a Jolt Cola! It does not exist anymore!

The Opportunity

Kenneth:

Here's the money back from Carvel, Miss Maroney. Twenty-three dollars and ninety-four cents.

Jenna:

Hang on. She gave you cash?

Kenneth:

Oh yes, I'm sorry. I told the girl I didn't have your card, so--

Jenna:

She must have thought you meant "credit card." How many cashiers are at that store?

Kenneth:

Two! This is fun!

Jenna:

Oh my God. We could run the short grift on this. It's been years since my mom and I used to pull slip-and-falls at supermarkets. I thought I was done with that life. But this is too good. We could pull an Arizona Double Back on them, Kenneth!

Kenneth:

I don't understand what you're saying but I like that it has the word "we" in it!

The Arizona Double Back

Jenna:

I'd like to order a cake that reads "Happy Birthday Blenna."

Cashier 1:

Uh.. "Blenna?"

Jenna:

Yes. [shows Carvel card]

Kenneth:

I'm sorry, miss, but there's been a mistake with this cake, and I'm afraid I don't have the card.

Cashier 2:

Okay, um, I'm sorry. Um, I'll just give you cash back.

Jenna:

I need a "Happy Blirthday Jennica" cake.

Kenneth:

[shows cake to Cashier 2 and gets money]

Jenna:

Yes, "Bathy Hirthday Gremlin."

Kenneth:

[shows cake to Cashier 2 and gets money]

The Tease

Jack:

Lemon, what do you want to tell me about the uh... roller skates?

Liz:

Why are we not moving? What is causing this traffic jam??

Take Three

Tracy:

[long, carefully choreographed scene plays out] I'm sorry. I have an erection. I think it's the sound of the skateboard. We're going again. Everybody safely back to one.

Jack:

Let me help you. I am unstoppable today. If it'll make it any easier, imagine you're telling your story to Reagan himself. [Reagan impression] Well, Liz. Will you tell The Gipper you sexual story? Mommy?

Liz:

I was nine years old. I was rollerskating in the house, which was absolutely forbidden. I was skating down the hallway, on top of the world, with my new skates and my new haircut, which everybody thought was a Dorothy Hamill, but was actually a Pete Rose. Anyway, I needed to go to the bathroom, but the door was locked. My recently divorced aunt had moved in with us and I was sharing a bathroom with her. To be prepared I tried to take my underpants off over my roller skates. I slipped, and as I fell I pulled down this poster of the singer Tom Jones that my aunt had put up. My mom heard the noise and ran and found me... squirming under the Tom Jones poster with my... underpants around my ankles. It didn't look good, Jack. She thought I did it on purpose. And she didn't say a word. She just went in my room and took all my posters. Grizzly Adams, Larry Wilcox, Han Solo, Tug McGraw, Mike Schmidt, Kermit, Gunther Gebel-Williams... She took all the people away, Jack! Sex makes the people go away!

Jack:

[long pause] I'm going to see what's up with this traffic. [gets out of limo]

The Temptress

Kenneth:

Oh, here's your money back, ma'am. Boy, they sure are making a lot of mistakes over there today.

Jenna:

Do you really not understand what we're doing?

Kenneth:

Of course I do! We're standing here talking, adding brick after brick to our Friendship Castle so it someday reaches the sky.

Jenna:

[takes Tracy into a dressing room] With Carvel, Kenneth! We're conning them. I'm ordering messed up cake and getting them free with my card, then you're returning them for cash. We're selling back free cakes!

Kenneth:

But Miss Maroney, that's wrong. And illegal. [gasps] If Cookie Puss knew, he'd tear us apart with his fangs.

Good note. Back to one. [sees Jack walk up] Hey! Jackie-D! Let's take a quick five hundred so everybody could meet Jack!

Shawn:

You know him? Please help me get his line. Fix this!

Jack:

No. I don't need any more problems to solve. Especially not him! I am the Sisyphus of Reaganing.

Tracy:

Yeah! That's the kind of stuff I should be saying. It's in my head now, let's roll.

Jack:

[picks up jar of jelly beans] I'm sorry, jelly beans. I know how much The Gipper liked you and... I failed him. [to Shawn] It's funny. I remember George Shultz how later in Reagan's presidency, when his mind was uh... resting... how they would use jelly beans to convince people that he was -- That's it. I know how to fix Tracy! Make him eat these. I'll take care of the rest.

I mean, "Frajer?" Come on. [takes refund money from Cashier 2] I should throw some tossed salad and scrambled eggs at you.

Cashier 2:

[discoveres all but one returned box are filled with newspaper] No! [shakes fist] FRAJER!

Jenna:

We sold the cakes twice! You're a genius, Kenneth.

Kelsey Grammer:

Eight hundred dollars split three ways. Those ice cream saps will rue the day they ever tangled with "The Best Friends Gang." [they all laugh]

Under The Bridge

Jack:

Lemon! Why did you leave? I'm trying to help you.

Liz:

You can't help me. No one can.

Jack:

Wha-- I'm fixing you. And I'm saving your relationship. I can do it. Look, sex is a beautiful, natural, and joyful part of our shared human experience.

Prostitute:

Hey, you two want to party?

Jack:

Now's not a good time, miss.

Prostitute:

Twenty dollars for party, sixty to party to bite me during it, I'll do stuff with the dog but I get to pick the dog.

Jack:

People want that?

Liz:

This is not helping.

Prostitute:

You wanna watch me be with her? Me with you? Me and both of you without my leg?

Jack:

Thank you. Just, uh, take this and, uh, move along.

Prostitute:

You two are pretty uptight for hanging out under a bridge.

Liz:

Sex is horrible.

Jack:

[answers phone] What is it?

Jonathan:

It's four o'clock, sir. You did it! A day of perfect problem solving. Gifts have been coming in all afternoon.

Jack:

It's four o'clock?

Liz:

And you fixed me, so... yay.

Jack:

Send everything back.

Jonathan:

What? Why?

Jack:

I didn't do it. I failed.

Jonathan:

It's her, isn't it?

Liz:

Sorry.

Jonathan:

I hate her, sir!

The Victim

Cashier 2:

Stupid Cookie Puss! [sobbing]

Kenneth:

Are you all right miss?

Cashier 2:

I just got fired cuz Kelsey Grammer scammed me. I tried to go straight. I'm going back to working under that bridge.

The Conscience

Kelsey Grammer:

I know.

Jenna:

[laughs]

Kelsey Grammer:

Kenneth. We got a new con. We're going to do down to Florida, open up a medical supply store, then get some social security numbers...

Jenna:

Through seducation.

Kenneth:

I'm sorry, sir ma'am. I'm out.

Kelsey Grammer:

What? Why?

Kenneth:

Because. Miss Maroney was wrong. People DID get hurt by our actions. And yes, my family sure could use a couple hundred more dollars, but it's not right.

Kelsey Grammer:

Couple hundred dollars, huh? I think I can help you out. But first I'm going to need fifty to get started.

Jenna:

Kelsey, no. I'm proud of you, Kenneth. You've got a good heart. I hope you get into a car accident some say so I can have it.

Kelsey Grammer:

Now there's only one thing left to do: beat you out of the Best Friends Gang.

Tom Jones!

Liz:

Well, it's been a pretty rough day, but at least we're in Newark now.

Jack:

What are you going to do about Carol?

Liz:

I'm going to break up with him. Let him off the hook.

Jack:

That would be a mistake, Lemon. Yes, you are the sexual equivalent of a million Hindenburgs, but you deserve someone like Carol in your life, and he deserves you becuase -- and I'm only going to say this once a decade -- you're great. You're Liz Lemon, dammit. In certain lights you're an "eight," using East Coast Over Thirty-Five standards, excluding Miami.

Liz:

Thanks, Jack.

Jack:

You go in there, you grab Carol, you take him into one of those unisex family bathrooms, pull down that diaper changing thing... and go to town on him.

Liz:

I'll try. But if I couldn't get it done in Vegas after a Penn and Teller show, I don't know how it's gonna happen here.

Jack:

Wait a minute. You had your problem with Caol in Las Vegas.

Liz:

So?

Jack:

The Tom Jones poster. Tom Jones plays Vegas all the time. He has billboards everywhere.

Liz:

No kidding, there was one right outside our... hotel room window. Oh my God!

Jack:

Think back to your college boyfriend, was there any...

Liz:

Yes! When this happened with Joel, "What's New Pussycat" was playing on the bus we were on, I mean the room we were in. And when it happened with Dennis, he had just gotten a perm!

Jack:

Tom Jones is the trigger. He makes you remember your mother taking the people away!

Liz:

Does this mean I'm fixed?

Jack:

Oh God, no, you've got years of therapy ahead of you, probably electro-shock, but this is a breakthrough, Lemon. And a big one.

Liz:

Jack Donaghy, in my book, you're better than Reagan.

Jack:

I appreciate that, Lemon, but if you ever speak ill of Reagan again, I will smack those teeth straight.

Liz:

[hugs Jack and runs into airport] USA! USA! USA! USA!

Liz:

[runs back out] He's at JFK. I wrote it down wrong.

Flashbacks

Jenna:

[flashback 1] How was the sex?

Liz:

[flashback 1] Fast and only on Saturdays. It's perfect.

Liz:

[flashback 2] I have been sexually rejected by not one, but TWO guys who later went to clown college --

Liz:

[flashback 3] ...and one time at summer camp I kissed a girl on a dare, but then she drowned.