Wednesday, November 12, 2008

It's interesting--I am usually quite a messy person emotionally. I need to deal with things NOW. I need to talk about things NOW and know the answer NOW. I sort of disregard setting, time, and situation just to deal with things that are affecting me emotionally in the moment.

And this has been a very male moment for me. A sort of compartmentalization. When we woke up this morning, Josh wanted to talk about it more and I just felt sort of settled about the whole thing. Like it is a box currently on the table and I've not only decided not to open it for the moment, but I've also stacked a few magazines over it and yesterday's mail and it is quite obvious that I'm simply not dealing with it right now.

Maybe because I know the box is empty? What is the point in opening it?

I guess it is like this: when I was leaving Massachusetts, I overpacked the car and started back towards Maryland. I decided to stop off in Northampton even though it wasn't really on my way to grab a cup of juice at the Haymarket. It had been a really happy space for me in this really unhappy place and it was like grabbing an old sweater out of the donation box to try it on one last time before Goodwill came to pick up your clothes.

When I got into the Hay, the person who was the reason I was completing the rest of my graduate degree from Maryland instead of staying in Massachusetts was sitting in my coffee house. He saw me and I saw him and he gave me this completely self-satisfied look that made me want to (1) kick the pretentious book he was reading out of his hands and then (2) kick him in the face and then (3) as he held his face, knee him in the balls.

Or scratch all of his skin off. Either/or.

It was my choice to leave Massachusetts and it was my decision how I was choosing to react to him or see that moment. But by fuck--you have got to be kidding me--I couldn't believe he was going to be the last person I saw as I left town. I grabbed my orange juice and went back to my car and sat in it crying for a bit. I was kicking myself for stopping for the drink because if I had kept driving past Northampton, the last person I would have seen would have been my roommate. I kept waiting for someone to walk by that I knew so I could count them as the last person I saw leaving the state. Finally, I had to leave--I could not spend my whole day waiting in my overpacked car (and, knowing my luck, I would finally see someone and then he would walk out of the Haymarket ruining it yet again!).

As I pulled away, I finally saw someone I somewhat knew. She was this woman who worked in a candy shop. She was divorced and gave us relationship advice when we'd stop in to get candy before going to the Academy to see a movie. I really loved talking to her because she was very bitter and sometimes, you need to spend time with someone who is harsh and holds you to reality instead of allowing you to float away. I decided to count her as the last person I saw and I felt like I could finally leave Massachusetts in peace.

Had anything really changed in seeing her? Of course not. I was still leaving and everything that came before that point still remained. But I will always be eternally grateful for seeing the candy shop woman walking down the street as I left town. It simply flipped a switch in me and allowed me to see the door firmly shut instead of visualizing his boot-clad foot wedging open the door.

That is the best way I can describe last night. It was like seeing the candy shop woman.

I really do need a drink.

It has been a little under a month since we met, bitched, cried, comforted, and caught up each other on our cycles and lives. Pull up a seat and I'll pour you a drink. Let everyone know what is happening in your life. The good, the bad, the ugly. My only request is that if a story catches your eye, you follow it back to the person's blog and start reading their posts. Give some love, give some support, or laugh with someone until your drink comes out of your nose.

I have a ton of assvice in my back pocket and as a virtual bartender, I will give it to you unless you specifically tell me that this is simply a vent and you do not want to receive anything more than a hug.

So if you have been a lurker for a while (or if this is your first open bar as someone who found this space through IComLeavWe), sit down and tell us about yourself. Remember to provide a link or a way for people to continue reading your story (or if you don't have a blog--gasp!--you can always leave an email address if you're looking for advice or support. If not, people can leave messages for that person here in the comments section too). If you're a regular at the bar, I'll get out your engraved martini glass while you make yourself comfortable. And anyone new, welcome. I'm glad you found this virtual bar.

For those who have no clue what I'm talking about when I say that the bar is open, click here to catch up and then jump into the conversation back on this current post.

I would love a celebration drink! Make it a beer. Usually I order wine, but beer just really sounds good tonight. Last time I wrote (last month) I had just had surgery or was getting ready to have surgery. Well I am VERY pleased to report that the surgery worked and I FINALLY got pregnant!! This is my first pregnancy and I am sooooo excited! I am 5 weeks and 1 day. It feels so great to pull up a chair with some good news!

I'm in one of those places that most of the IF world would just say "who freaking cares!" but this is why I need a drink ... (pregnancy/children mentioned)

1. I'm really worried the baby's growth since he slipped 6% points in 4 weeks. (I have a velementous cord insertion which upps the chance of growth restriction, placental problems and stillbirth)

2. Here's an eyeroller - he is stretching out his legs and I'm in some pretty good bouts of pain. (yeah, I know. I'm rolling my eyes myself)

3. I lost a friend. A really good friend. About 2 months ago. And I'm still literally heartbroken. But I don't blog about this, as it's ultra personal and I don't want any of my IRL friends/family reading about it.

damn, I thought YOU were the candy shop woman. not because you're bitter, but because you're so sweet.

make mine a double. I'm not entirely sure what yet. maybe a stiff top shelf vodka pomegranate with a twist of lime. yeah that. keep 'em coming.

I"m also a compartmentalizer sometimes. it's what allows me to be productive at work when my mind would otherwise be ten kinds of places.

there are simply not enough hours in the day, so I'm up until wee hours doing adoption outreach, catching up on blog reading, addicted to political news. all to avoid the big pit in my gut that questions whether I will ever be mother to a living child. nagging doubt. then I force myself to bed and wake up and do it again, pretending to have a life in between.

I'm a newbie...just found you through another blog and thought I'd mosey on up to the bar for a quick virgin strawberry daquari.Shad and I went battled through 10 years of infertility before giving up and adopting internationally. Now we have four great kids...and just as many maxed credit cards. ;>)Wouldn't trade them for anything though...even after days like today.On second thought...Better make it a double.

Make mine a amaretto sour. I've always liked it because I can't taste the alcohol. I'm definitely a lightweight.

I'm sitting in limbo. Tomorrow by this time our donor will have undergone her retrieval and hopefully some of her eggs will fertilize. And I? I will be getting the first of what I hope will be many PIO shots in the bum. (My husband has gotten really good at them over the past year!)

I am really excited to have this possibility to get pregnant. But every day from now until ???, I feel like I will be in limbo. How many mature eggs will they get? How many will fertilize? How many will develop and will we get to transfer one? Will any others make it to freeze? Will I become pregnant? Will we finally have a child?

When I am in this space, sometimes I still mourn the loss of my participation in this early part of the process. For example, we met our (wonderful) donor on Sunday. When I looked at her I noticed that her eyes were blue. I had forgotten about that. What is so special about that?

My husband's eyes are blue. But mine are brown. Brown eyes are dominant, but I have relatives that have blue/green eyes, so I know it would be possible for my husband and I to a child with blue eyes. I used to think "wouldn't it be a special to have a child with blue eyes?"

Now, the treat will be to have the child at all, but if this donor cycle works out, our child(ren) WILL have blue eyes. Two recessive blue genes = blue eyes. Nothing left to chance.

So tonight, if you will indulge me, I am having a bit of a cry over my drink. A self-indulgent cry. A cry for the unknowns immediately ahead of us, a cry for the loss of my genetic participation in this process, and a cry for the fragile hope I have that my husband and I will one day meet our own blue-eyed child.

Okay, this is plain spooky. Last week in a very long email to a friend, I used a similar compartmentalization/box on a shelf/out of the way type of metaphor for the way I deal (or don't deal) with certain types of problems. What's that thing they say about stuff in boxes that haven't been unpacked in 6 months? I wonder if that holds true for mental boxes, too.

I need a big, fun drink. Something like a huge, frozen blue margarita in a glass the size of a kiddie pool.

Chance and I have tentative dates for our gestational surrogacy cycle.

Mel, I've been there with the sudden close friendship break-up . . . that type of loss can be so confusing and far-reaching. I eventually figured out a way to treasure and honor the relationship simply for what it was to me, then -- and to also feel at peace with the reality that it just doesn't exist for either of us now. I know you'll get there, too, in your own time. Cheers to you, and bottoms up!

I stopped by because I really, really, really, REALLY want a drink. And I'm really not going to have one. I'm at 12dpo/9dp3dt with 4 days of positive HPTs on my counter and 2 days of persistent spotting on my liner. Haven't even had my beta yet. Mostly, I'm staying hopeful. But tonight as a few fears creep in -- like the one where AF will start any minute; or the one where, like last time, our baby's heartbeat will stop around week 9; OR the big one where I have to make good on my promise to stop trying altogether if this doesn't work -- I find my mind wandering to a jumbo glass of decent red wine. I *won't* have one, but boy would that hit the spot tonight.

But since I can't drink (Grrr!) right now... I'll take a soda. I shouldn't, but I must! I must!

I'm still in limbo about what's up with my liver (I tried asking Mr. Liver himself, but he's being evasive. Hence, no alcohol... not until he tells me what's wrong.) I am in fertility treatment limbo. My miscarriage's EDD is approaching, in less than 2 months. The Holidays are getting closer (and I'm trying to ignore them, desperately.) And my college quarter is winding down, and papers are piling up.

Man. I wish Mr. Liver was more cooperative. I could sure use that Smirnoff.

I also strangely enjoy bitter people sometimes. I wonder if she's still at the candy shop -- road trip, anyone?

I'll take some of Lori's limoncello. The last (and only) time I had that was in Rome, at someone's apartment eating a homemade dinner. Good day.

I have way too much going on right now. I'm not in "I have too much on my plate -- arrrrrgh!" mode yet, but if I don't get a two-day weekend soon, I will get there. This weekend doesn't count, since being half-unconscious from surgery isn't really a day off.

I would also like to gripe into my limoncello glass that I do not like having to go to Old Job at 11:15pm after more than a full day at New Job (and that's not the first time in the past week). I do not like it at all. I seriously cannot sustain that for long.

Things are bad at T's job, I have a new job coming to me, but it doesn't start for months and that seems like it's forever away, and I was just told that we should completely redo the photo booklet to advertise us to potential birth mothers. And she advised us to not show pictures of our cats. I thought we were done with that book.

I had some peace last week, but right now it seems like nothing is going right. I hate feeling like we can never catch a break, but that's how I'm feeling. Things suck right now.

I want a Purple Alaskan Thunderfuck...and lest you think I'm making the name up, click here

No real reason for wanting the drink except its really good (and if you are ever at a real bar, its loads of fun to make the waiter/bartender say the name). Life is pretty good...my kids amuse me, my cycle is back to normal after IUD removal, and my cousin is getting married in December.

Oh yes, I'll drink with you. How about ginger mojitos? A little summer meets a little fall. I am drinking to finishing the Big Project at work that I've given the last year of my life to (and at points delayed TTC for), and finding out that maybe it just wasn't worth it. That little fact has been like getting hit in the face with a frying pan. Did you ever do what you thought to the bottom of your soul was the right thing, only to discover it cost you way more than you ever imagined? THAT'S where I am right now.

I don't normally pull up a chair, but I think I need to. Yesterday, my boss gave us THE speech. The speech about how hard our small commercial real estate law firm has been hit by the economic bombshell. How, to make it, this company is going to have to ask for paycuts from all the lawyers--or have one of the lawyers terminated. Luckily, as a lowly administrative assistant, who is the least paid person in the firm--my job is secure. For now. However, my daycare provider just told me 2 weeks ago that she is going to up her rate next year. And I haven't had a raise in 3 years. I WAS going to ask my boss for a small cost of living increase to offset her increase. Now...I guess I have to figure out how to keep this job and keep the daycare too. Leaving my job would be really bad financially, so I guess I will ride this out, just like the firm is going to try to.

Tea. Earl Grey. Hot. Cream and honey.I am desperately trying to find work as a nurse that my body can handle. I had a great interview at an insurance company and now am in a holding pattern while I wait to hear if I got it. Our savings are dwindling, my husband's truck needs $900 in repairs, my car is making funny noises, my son is getting up every 2 hours at night, and my new fibromyalgia meds are making me a zombie.

Well, it's a little early in the morning for me to have a drink, but I'm not yet ready to sit down to the real writing of the day. Maybe it's the Clomid, maybe it's my kid being in the throes of 4, maybe it's the end of the semester and I'm just tired, but I'm feeling surly today. Since the election (even with a negative beta result) I'd been floating, happily, along. This morning? Not so much. My ovaries ache.

Six years ago I was going through a miscarriage. I can't even put a date on it, because it was such a long, drawn-out affair. Since my daughter was born, I largely stopped grieving. But now, ttc again, I'm sad. And petrified that I will get pregnant and have to go through all of that again. Alone.

I definitely need a drink, as all of my boxes sprang open last night. My husband's eternal search for self is on the downward slide this week. I have no patience for that when my 2 year old is throwing tantrums. Also, his plans never factor in my desires (needs, yes; desires, no). And, when he gets in the downward slide, he needs me to be his cheerleader - when I'm generally more like the bitter candy lady. So yes, a drink is in order.

I'll start with a vodka tonic with lime, since that's my favorite. And since this is virtual and I can mix my drinks without the usual side effects, I'd like to try that purple Alaskan thunderfuck. To top it off, I'll borrow the limoncello, add some gelato and have a sgorpino. Thanks for the drinks!

I"m a bit late, but I could use a drink. Something that doesn't mind a little extra salt as I cry into it - maybe a 'rita? Strawberry?

As most of you might know, my mother died last Wednesday after a very long battle with cancer. I've been...ok...until yesterday. Yesterday was the burial and at the very end I just lost it - sobbed and sobbed. Made dad cry. I hadn't cried once in the past week and people were worried about me - but I've spent the past 11 months grieving. So yeah...not so good yesterday, very sad and clingy. Have a feeling today isn't going to be too good either. But I don't have time to dwell. Why?

I graduate college in one month, one week, one day. I will finally be done. But I have a lot of catching up to do from missing this past week, so life is very busy!

Since it's morning, I will have my usual mimosa. Although that Purple Alaskan Thunderfuck sounds intriguing. ; ) I am doing my best to stay cheerful & balanced, but find myself beginning to slide into my usual November funk. It is cold, grey & rainy outside. It is our busiest time of year at work (year end), & we have just been told that if we get bonuses &/or raises at all in December, they will be much lower than originally projected. Really motivating. :p And I am starting to feel the pressure of all the stuff I "should" be doing for the holiday season. The contrast between the way I want my life to be and the way things really are is never more stark than it is during the Christmas season.

And tomorrow is the day my daughter should have been turning 10 years old. My original due date. On second thought, Mel, I will have one of those Purple Alaskan Thunderfucks after all.

I've never been much of a drinker.... so how about a wine cooler for me?

Things with the in-laws are deteriorating FAST. No, not their health, just the negotiations. Just a little advice to people with aged relatives; if you have enough of an estate to undertake to divest your assests in order to qualify for Medicaid (read, rip the government off and have them pay for your care when you have the means to do it), make sure you understand what you are doing and your attorney knows what THEY are doing. Changing your mind wayyyyyy down the road will put you in a world of hurt both from the Tax man and with Medicaid penalties. That is, if your "family" is willing to let you change your demented mind.

On another note, I'm having some trouble with the donation of my embryos. If anyone has navigated this whole pre/post FDA reg thing, and can give me some advice, I'd appreciate it. Also, has anyone ever had embryos transported from the US to Canada?

I also have an affinity towards those "crusty" older women who tell it like it is. I would be willing to bet that in a few years I'll meet the criteria for that title!

You know, as long as I've been reading, I don't know that I've ever pulled up a chair at the Virtual Lushary, but maybe it's about time.

I would like a giant glass of the fruitiest, roundest, warmest zinfandel that you can find. I'm in one of those moods where I wouldn't mind spending $15 or $20 on a glass of wine.

Ahem. My latest issue, and it's such a stupid issue that I haven't even been able to make myself blog about it yet because it's so petty compared to the world of (real) hurts other people have, is that I have abso-frickin'-loutely no idea what I want to do with myself. It's been hitting me in waves for months now, but the hurricane finally came crashing in the other day when I realized that application deadlines for grad school are approaching more quickly than I would like, and that I am so limited by geography that I'm scraping at programs, trying to find one that fits. And I keep coming to the conclusion that none of them do. There are tons of great and interesting programs that catch my eye, but they are far-flung, and H's beloved job is here. And I just keep adding that to the column of why "here" sucks so bad. Which makes me resent him for bringing us here. Which just makes me mad because my friend told me years and years ago that she knew that I would be unhappy as an academic wife because my career would never, ever come first. And she's right, and that makes me crazy. Because I love him, but I hate his job.

Sigh. I keep feeling like some random thing will pop up (the universe has a way of solving these things for us, right?), but I can't help but worry that I will wake up in six months no clearer than I am now. And with the job market like it is, there is a part of me that regrets leaving the secure state job to go back to school (of course, then I remember how much I hated it, how soul sucking it was, and I care much less, but still- surety for total uncertainty... I'm beginning to feel like that philosophy degree was maybe not the best idea.)

Mel-I haven't stopped by the lushary in a while, matter of fact I haven't updated my own blog in a while but I definately have something on my mind that is eating at me.

I haven't even mentioned it anywhere because I truly feel like I won the biggest lottery ever with my daughter but...and their is always a but, right..My SIL who got pregnant and told the family the day before I was to have my IUI which actually got me pregnant with my daughter told us all that she is pregnant again. Matter of fact and you will I am sure get this but she in fact told us at break-the-fast on Yom Yippur which happens to be two years to the day they told us last time. The whole thing is something I should blog about just to get it out. But both my sister and my husband read my blog and I have put up this great front to everyone telling them that we have a plan and I can't be pregnant right now given other health issues on my plate, and also telling people that I want to enjoy my daughter while she is young, when secretly I want what my SIL has. I can barely talk about it without getting so upset.

It honestly sounds so lame when I write it out but I can't believe that my SIL and my brother have sex one time and get pregnant. I feel like I want to lay on the floor and throw a tantrum. What the hell!!!

I don't usually join in, but it's been a hell of a week? month? year? I don't need anything alcoholic, just a big vat of chocolate, please. (It's the progestin pills, I've had PMS for 9 months.)

Let's see, we're facing surgery for the second time in 2 months for my little guy, and desperately hoping to get him in, out, and recovered before their first birthday. Oddly calm about this one - brain surgery kind of makes groin surgery seem like a cakewalk.

And yet, the persistant liver problems and the biopsy they want to do at the same time as surgery, plus the genetic tests (which insurance is not wanting to pay for), the pushing for us to let them put in a feeding tube "while he's in surgery anyway", the implications that I am a bad mother ... well, those are leaving me a bit frazzled.

I don't care if it is raining, I wanna sit outside and drink a marguerita on the rocks with salt, please.

Same old issues here, started to late in starting a family. I know I lucked out having a child at all...but I can't let go of having another one and it is seriously tooooo laaaate. And, I apparently can't let go of being sad every month when my period arrives; I am stuck in IF land.

So, I'll be out sitting under an umbrella with my drink if anyone wants to join me.

I've been trying to lay off the red stuff lately, calories and all...however in light of your recent meeting and the emotional fallout - or implosion as it were, I will raise a glass of Merlot to you, for bravery.

(oh- what the hell, I'll have two. The other is for K. - due in a week and all!)

Hi Mel - It's been a long time since I've been a regular commenter here - life has been busy for me. My beautiful twins are 13.5 months old - a result of my 6th IVF cycle, and our first IVF cycle with donor eggs. The donor eggs were from my sister - the most wonderful gift.

Today for me it's a celebratory drink - that wonderful sister has just a few days ago given birth to her first child. My two babies have a new and very special cousin.

I'm grateful today that my sister gets to experience the gift of motherhood (without having to go through the hell I went through) - and hopefully understand even more what a wonderful gift she gave to me.

Mel, if you enjoy bitter people sometime, let's have a drink...I'll take care of your bitterness quota for sure.

I'm not in the mood for a drink - the mere smell of alcohol right now makes me pukie. Perhaps a nice ginger ale?

But, boy, I am ready to bitch, bitch, bitch. He who has ears, let him hear!

It's my husband. I'm SO sick of being his mother and his wife. Why do I have to ASK him to do things to help out around the house and yard? Honestly, if I let the house to go to crap, it would. Maybe once or twice has he actually offered to make dinner. I have to ASK him. He'll wait until 10pm for me to make something rather than take the initiative.

I think what's got me going is the obvious teeming amounts of hormones pumping through my body, but also, that I fear that this baby will just bring more responsibility to me. That it's just one more thing that I'll have to ASK him to help me with. I can't do it all!

On second thought, gimme something, dammit. A shot of Jack with a beer chaser.

I will have a glass of chilled white wine. Not my usual, but mixing it up a bit sounds good. It's been a month and a half since the miscarriage and AF has come back. The fertile world would celebrate, but for me it's nothing but a cruel joke with cramps. It's not like we can get pregnant on our own anyway. If one more person asks me when we are going to "try again" I think I may scream. We haven't stopped trying thank you very much. We haven't stopped since we started four years ago. I think I'm the bitter person tonight. I'm sorry. It can be so frustrating waiting and wishing. I wish I felt like what we have is enough. Is is wrong to want more than one child? Why do people not understand that you still feel cheated with just one when you wanted three. People just say you should be grateful for what you have and you are but you're not complete.

Well, I get to shoot up ganirelix for the first time tonight to make sure my lonely follie doesn't pop too soon. (Alright, in all honesty I have 2 follies, but the 2nd one is measuring under 10.) A friend told me that the ganirelix needles are DULL and need to really be stabbed in!! WTF? Why? I want to know why??

Oh how I could use a drink. Maybe my usual margarita. Or better the long island iced tea served in a fish bowl like my friends and I used to get when we went out on my birthday. Work has been full of drama and all the cycle stress etc. That said since I'm in the middle of my cycle I suppose I should abstain and since I've had a headache for days and I think I remember someone saying that could be related to dehydration I suppose I should just have water. Fun huh??

I just started my IVF cycle, with the Lupron. That hasn't been bad, the doxycyclin is the one killing me! I'm trying everything I can to be positive and go through this process with joy and love, which is tough to accomplish amidst massive headaches. But I'll get there.To us! brave, loving and courageous women!

This is just what I need: a drink and good company. I’ll let you choose for me, something sweet yet strong. So here is what is going on with me: After 3 years of infertility I had my baby 7 months ago. I was in cloud nine. However, shortly after she was born my husband told me he is not sure if he loves me or if he ever did We’ve been married for 7 years and now he chooses the worst timing ever to “realize “ this. I am so angry and hurt. People tell me to patient , it is just the stress of having a new baby. I tired of starting he hard conversations, asking the hard questions… maybe I need to need to meet this candy woman and she will tell me like it is and I will quit wanting things to work out and loving him. Oh, I almost forgot, I’ll turn 30 in 7 days, not at all how I thought I would start the new decade.

Ugh - I could totally use a drink. Oddly enough, I am totally sucking on some dum dums and was just doing inventory on what alcohol we have because family is coming over Saturday for dinner and they want Long Island Iced Teas and Margaritas. Sadly, you can't make a virgin Long Island - unless you just have a glass of coke, ha ha! - so I guess I'll make do with a virgin Margarita IRL and a virtual Long Island on here.

Why I want a drink: It's too much to explain. Follow me back to my journal to read the whole story but the topics include my late fiance's mother being strangely possessive of me (and this pregnancy/unborn child) and his crazy family's issues, including his sister's transgendered wife who has a temper.

Mel, I would love a drink. I am not much of a drinker usually, so I'll take whatever you think is good.

I am still struggling with my anger at all of the stuff we've been through this year. I need to shift my perspective and let myself just enjoy, but I find I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. I hate that feeling! I hope this is just a short phase that will soon pass. I guess I need to lighten up some. Sigh.

OK, it's 8:30 am right now, but pour me a rum and diet coke, I'll save it for later.

I'm getting ready for my pottery show. Which always stresses me. I hate the meet and greet part of selling "art". (Mostly because I am not good at that kind of schmoosing.) (How does one spell schmoosing??)

today has been a decent day, but i'll buy the next round for anyone that needs another! our dryer is broken, so i have wet laundry hanging all over the house. but that's not a bad day if that's all there is to complain about. maybe i'll take a drink in celebration that today has been the best day of the week!

It's my first time here. At the moment I am enjoying some fine oral progesterone-like stuff called Duphaston for duffus's like me who have suddenly forgotten how to have a period. Ah cycle day 64, got to love it.

We're supposed to only have MFI but a persistantly missing MIA AF showed up to surprise us...

My RE won't/can't answer this question: We've done 2 fresh IVF cycles and we are lucky enough to get excellent follicles, a round dozen eggies, 80% fertilisation (compliments of ICSI), fabulous expanding blastocysts (7 in one cycle) and a really juicy lining. Inspite of all this wonderful supposed fertility, no positive results.

What are the chances that another couple of cycles could yield a positive result? I'll do them, I'll be injected, scanned, retrieved from, transferred to, the works but am I still in with a reasonable chance?

Er, thanks, I'll have one of those disgusting fishbowl things in an unnatural bright blue colour.

I'm a newbie here - new to the Lushary and new to the IF blogging community. I'm realizing I picked a good name - not in a place anyone else is (that I've seen), I've been living in a world of total emotional freezeout of the fact of being infertile, and I'm preparing to consider treatment again for the first time in well over a year. I've had no expectation of my own pregnancy and no tears at anyone else's. I'm scared to start trying again because I'm afraid I'll have to care again and it nearly killed me before. But I can't totally give up just now. I'm 26 with no identified cause of infertility yet.

If it gets bad when I have to start seeing :::doctors::: again, I'm going to have me a virtual Long Island, even though I stopped drinking years ago and I'm a serious lightweight. For today, I want a great big super-rich mint hot chocolate with no dregs at the bottom and inches of whipped cream with chocolate shavings. Is that available here? I always ask for hot cocoa in IRL bars (I really do). They never have it.

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What is Stirrup Queens? It's a blog about infertility and pregnancy loss, an exploration of adoption and donor gametes, a bitch session about daily life and books, an outlet for stories and baking lessons written by a sustainable-living, kosher, Jewish, mother of twins conceived via fertility treatments who is still trying to add to her family.

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