A few weeks ago, I shared with my husband a “mental well-being” tool that I have been using lately – a mental wall. Let me start by saying that I am by no means an expert on well-being concepts. I have learned, through the past 48+ years, some techniques that have helped me with keeping peace in my life and in my “being”. The current tool that I’ve been using keeps me from living in an anxious or agitated state affected by the actions or behaviors of others. I don’t believe this is a new concept. I’m hoping by sharing my approach that this technique may help others who are affected by the stress they take in from those around them.

The (Mental) Wall

First, you should know, the concept of my wall exists only in my head. It is a mental tool designed for me personally – though anyone can create and define their own wall. This mental tool serves the purpose of bringing me peace. My goal is to continually bring and maintain peace in my core (my heart and soul).

Simply put, I have created an “imaginary wall” that I use to separate myself from others when their behavior brings me stress, anxiety or discomfort. I mentally visualize putting that person “outside the wall” when their actions cause me distress of any sort.

Does this sound harsh?

I image it does to those who don’t know me very well. Honestly, putting someone “outside the wall” doesn’t have to mean I feel an extreme negative emotion towards that person. It’s not even necessarily that I don’t care about that person. It does mean that I don’t care about the DRAMA they are creating and the way it makes “me” feel.

Defining My Emotional Wall

My wall was not built in anger.

I don’t have to hate a person to put them “outside the wall”. In fact, hate would be a stressful emotion that I would like to avoid. If someone’s behavior is causing me to not live peacefully in my life then I choose to respect my feelings and make the choice to remove my emotional attachment to them in that instance and place them “outside the wall”.

It’s not an uncaring act, but it’s a caring-for-me act. The person’s actions can be directed towards me or not – it doesn’t matter. Placing someone “outside the wall” also doesn’t mean I will behave negatively towards that person. I like to be nice to everyone as much as I can. I am just as sensitive, if not more so, than anyone else – I am in INFJ after all. I simply choose to use my caring actions for engaging in productive situations. This technique gives me clarity and focus in that area. If you are dealing with someone whom you hate and/or whom you shouldn’t be around, well, that is quite another issue to be dealt with (maybe think putting them on a remote island).

I have found that this technique really works for me. It is amazing because once I have put a person “outside the wall” somehow their behavior doesn’t affect me as much. I don’t take what they’re doing so personally or internally. This may sound childish or silly to some, but visualizing something as imposing as a wall (though it could be covered with flowering vines as mine is) seems to really help me keep my perspective in situations I have no control over, yet am somehow affected by.

If you’re wondering, yes, there’s a gate in my wall and people can easily pass back and forth through the gate when the situation suits. I am not always affected by everything another person does.

Is this confusing? I hope to some it will make sense and possibly even help. Only you can decide if this will work for you and determine whom to put where. My hope is that it will bring peace and a feeling of control to those who use this technique and relieve the stress and agitation of situations that are out of your sphere of control but somehow affect you.

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