Hillary Clinton and Paris Hilton, millennial America's twin Joan of Arcs, are presently enjoying their last weekends before they get tied to the stake. Come Tuesday, the L.A. County Jail will swallow Hillary whole and the official release of Carl Bernstein's A Woman in Charge will totally reveal the truth about Paris. (Or is it the other way around?) Thanks to the AP and the Times Magazine's excerpt of Bernstein competitor Her Way (out Friday), we now know exactly why the ladies deserve it and how they'll suffer.

NOT ACTING RIGHT:

Levin was the de facto leader of the session, since the meeting involved amendments to the pending defense authorization bill. Clinton draped one arm around the back of the couch and chewed gum, a participant recalled.

"The only advice I could give her when she comes is to shut her mouth and do the time," said Johnson, 35, of Claremont.

DADDY NEVER GOT ME THAT PONY:

The original text of the amendment filed in the Senate read "to be proposed by Mr. Levin (for himself, Mr. Reed, Mrs. Feinstein and Mr. Salazar)." But off to the side, in handwriting, a single word would be added: "Clinton." Her name was inserted, records show, on June 19, the same day that Levin unveiled his amendment with the other sponsors but not Clinton.... The explanation... was that Clinton had "intervened personally" with Harry Reid and "forced her way in."

Once she arrives, the "Simple Life" star will be housed in the jail's "special needs" unit. Like other inmates in the special-needs area, Hilton will take her meals in her cell and will be allowed outside the 12-foot-by-8-foot space for at least an hour each day to shower, watch TV in the day room, participate in outdoor recreation or talk on the telephone.

A GIFT AND A CURSE:

Of course, Clinton was tough. And she was experienced. But according to aides and strategists, her insecurity about her public image and her nascent national-security credentials made it difficult, if not impossible, for her to vote no.

Many women at the Los Angeles County jail where Paris Hilton is expected to arrive any day are already angry at the socialite, a former inmate said.... Inmates are not allowed to bring cell phones into the jail.