I wish I could say that I’m bubbling over with excitement… Earlier today we transferred the final frozen embryo (aka snowbaby). Hopefully, it is getting snuggled in all comfy and cozy and readying for a nice long gestation. But who knows.

To be honest, it feels really weird. In some ways I am totally disconnected. Like this is simply a medical procedure with no emotional component. It does not have the same excitement or feeling of potential that it had before. That’s only natural, I guess.

Here’s what I’m thinking. I think that this embryo, like the three before it, will find a good place to settle. And two weeks from now, I’ll get the glorious news that I’m pregnant. And…my reaction will be…”big whoop.”

Because. Now I know. That’s only half the battle.

I probably shouldn’t take that for granted. I’ve been lucky so far. I think there is only a 40-50% chance of becoming pregnant from the transfer.

As I’ve mentioned, the hard part will come next. The waiting.

I can continue my prescribed injections but other than obey all of the do’s and do not’s, as I do religiously, there isn’t much else I can do other than wait.

I want to be excited. But I feel like I am just too scared. I can’t allow myself to start thinking about how I want it to turn out.

Because, something might go wrong. And then what?

This is contrary to who I am, and I don’t like it. I am an optimist. I am happy. I see the good. But I find myself in this situation where I have absolutely zero control over the outcome. That’s not good for someone like me.

Wow, I sound like such a downer. I’m sorry.

If you see the Knight in the next few weeks, give him a hug. Because I’m getting emotional just thinking about this. I’m guessing that I might not be the easiest person to live with when I am struggling with this.