Friday, 4 June 2010

Fast food chain McDonald's has recalled millions of drinking glasses which may contain cadmium on their painted designs, it was announced today.

This latest move to deny children of the tasty chemicals they so crave has been widely criticised, particularly by the under-9s. Early polling data reveals that, following this decision, up to 72% of children agree with the assessment of McDonald's as "big meanies".

Parents are also less than impressed by the unreasonableness of this decision. Miffy Fotheringay, a bioactivimetrographist and mother of three, was dismayed at the lack of cadmium-painted drinks containers when getting lunch for her spawn earlier today.

"I think it's disgraceful the way this big corporation thinks it can shatter my children's hopes and dreams," she said. "All they've ever wanted is to drink hyper-sweetened carbonated beverages from a glass with that cartoon Scotch fellow on the side and lap up the delicious cadmium residue. They were just saying so this morning."

"And anyway," she explained, "it's in batteries. I've seen it written on the sides. So it'll give them energy. That's science. McDonald's are tyrants who want my poor babies to grow so weak and feeble they can't even fetch me my cigarettes."

A spokesman for McDonald's was not available for comment as the Half-Truth went to press, but I bet he'd have said something really horrid like: "Cry all you want, children, but I've taken away all your delicious cadmium-shakes, and you're not getting them back! Mwahahaha!"