I want to create a community garden here at GCC. It could be partially ran by volunteers from Rockwell or volunteers in general (such as myself), and have members of the community come by and plant whatever they’d like. Then, at the end of the year at harvest time, the community can get together and have one big get-together, celebrating the harvest and the time spent building it. It’s a community-building oppotunity, a chance for the school to get some PR, and gosh darn it, I’d love to have some tomatoes growing around. Even if that doesn’t happen, I’m fairly determinded to grow some potted plants this year and bring them to school. Hicks is a great place to plant as it has full and partial sun areas all near my room. It’d be sweet.

I also want to change some of the policies here at GCC. I think it’s ridiculous that frats get their charters revoked for everything they do. It really doesn’t matter much, because all the seem to do is just go underground instead. So, I think as an alterternative, they should get them revoked maybe, but they should be able to gain them back with community service, etc. I’ve always been raised to believe that someone should never just purely punish, but should also discipline, and I don’t think the college does very well in that aspect. So I think I’m going to talk to Andy Toncic and see what he thinks. Because it seems to me that you could take each rule broken and have clear guidelines that could be set. Alcohol – revoked and 600 hour compulsury community service total. Each person that doesn’t attend is sent home a week. Seems fair and consistent to me.

Anyway, it’s the Gala tonight, and I’m going to go shower and go to the Outlets. Peace, love, enjoy the weather.

There’s something so fundamental that you almost forget to remind yourself of it: God’s in control of you, and you’re in control of what God gives you. In no way are you ever a victim of anything. So stop feeling like you are, and live the the life you were made to – as the caretaker of God’s bounty, and return to God’s unbridled care.

I’ve come to realize life is nothing but hills and plateaus. You fight, think you’re done, and you find that you really just have to keep climbing. I keep thinking to myself that if I do one more thing, fix one more thing in my life, I’ll be great. It just seems like the further you go, the deeper you dig, and maybe if you’re lucky, you keep climbing.

I think I have an idea of what’s been bothering me of late, and perhaps it’s not even me!

Here’s the basic idea:

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a type of winter depression that affects an estimated half a million people every Winter between September and April, in particular during December, January and February.
It is caused by a biochemical imbalance in the hypothalamus due to the shortening of daylight hours and the lack of sunlight in winter.
For many people SAD is a seriously disabling illness, preventing them from functioning normally without continuous medical treatment.
For others, it is a mild but debilitating condition causing discomfort but not severe suffering. We call this subsyndromal SAD or ‘winter blues.’

The symptoms of SAD usually recur regularly each Winter, starting between September and November and continuing until March or April, and a diagnosis can be made after three or more consecutive Winters of symptoms, which include a number of the following:

Sleep problems: Usually desire to oversleep and difficulty staying awake but, in some cases, disturbed sleep and early morning wakening
Lethargy: Feeling of fatigue and inability to carry out normal routine
Overeating: Craving for carbohydrates and sweet foods, usually resulting in weight gain
Depression: Feelings of misery, guilt and loss of self-esteem, sometimes hopelessness and despair, sometimes apathy and loss of feelings
Social problems: Irritability and desire to avoid social contact
Anxiety: Tension and inability to tolerate stress
Loss of libido Decreased interest in sex and physical contact (I’m 21 years old and male. Like hell that’s going to happen 😉 )

Mood changes In some sufferers, extremes of mood and short periods of hypomania (overactivity) in spring and autumn. Most sufferers show signs of a weakened immune, system during the Winter, and are more vulnerable to infections and other illnesses. SAD symptoms disappear in Spring, either suddenly with a short period (e.g., four weeks) of hypomania or hyperactivity, or gradually, depending on the intensity of sunlight in the Spring and early Summer. In sub-syndromal SAD, symptoms such as tiredness, lethargy, sleep and eating problems occur, but depression and anxiety are absent or mild. SAD may begin at any age but the main age of onset is between 18 and 30 years. It occurs throughout the northern and southern hemispheres but is extremely rare in those living within 30 degrees of the Equator, where daylight hours are long, constant and extremely bright.

So I think I’m going to pick up some Melatonin tomorrow and see if I can’t get myself on track. If this happens next year, then I’ll have a better idea. They say after three years they diagnose it, so we’ll see what happens. It’s just nice to know that there might be an actual disorder to what’s going on to me.

It seems stupid sometimes, but I can’t help but have this just depressed feeling of late. It’s this general apathetic feeling that I wonder why I’m here most of the time. My friend from high school and I spoke on it briefly:

Me:There’s been times this semester where I just don’t know why I’m doing the college thing anymore. It’s lost most of its appeal.
Friend: i hear ya. i mean of course you have to do it; there are times that i am so busy and i think if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, i don’t think i want to go that way
Friend: i’m just wondering if ambition is really worth it.. yeah it would be cool to get a great job and have money, but would i really be happy? would i be stressed all the time? i want to move down south and have lemonade in the sun on my porch.. to me that would be happiness right now.. not commuting into some big city to work at a desk all day
Me Personally, I’d be content building houses somewhere.
Friend it’s weird how things change
Me: yeah.

That part especially made me think. Is ambition really worth it? Have I been fooling myself all this time thinking that if I go to college, get that job, live that life, I’m going to be made? It’s something that has bothered me for awhile. And obviously, there’s the answer that I’ve always needed to realize that my focus is God, and that I need to live for Him alone. But, is there anything wrong with living well for God? I don’t know. It comes down to, fundamentally, that I’ve lost a lot of drive. I just see the same blasted thing every day. Get up. Take shower in piss-poor shower. Go to class. Breakfast. Class. Dinner. Maybe a class. Studying the same garbage everyday. And if I’m lucky I’ll go to bed in enough time. And in return, this school gives you a piece of paper and maybe a couple movies that are 6 weeks out anyway. BLAH!