Game of Thrones Runs out of Story Lines; Introduces Neighbor with Sassy Catchphrase

LOS ANGELES- Showrunners for the hit HBO series Game of Thrones, David Benioff and Dan Weiss are closely guarding storylines for 2018’s wildly anticipated final season. “It’s everything our viewers have come to expect: dragons, magic, violent swordfights, and plenty of full frontal nudity- that won’t change,” said Benioff to gathered members of the press.

“Now that we are officially out of source material from George [R.R. Martin]’s genre defying novels, we’re off the proverbial leash,” said Weiss. In an unprecedented move, Martin has handed over the show’s creative reins to Benioff and Weiss and casting has begun on a new character, Bernice, the sassy, middle-aged neighbor. “Martha Plimpton has expressed an interest, as has Margo Martindale, and either would be such a ‘get’ for us,” said Benioff. “She hasn’t appeared in the series yet, but we anticipate Bernice is going to be a fan favorite, especially when they hear her catchphrase: ‘All men must serve me drinks. Valar Daquiris! Valar Margaritas!’”

Bernice is a middle-aged divorcee, who is new to Winterfell and has a well-meaning preoccupation with the remaining Stark children. She’s a little too nosy and talkative. At first the Starks assume her to be a spy from their enemies in the realm but quickly realize that she’s just a lonely busybody. And she throws herself at any eligible man that wanders through her prize-winning begonias. Give her time, and she could be a Westeros power player. “Here’s the episode I want to see: Bernice, newly married lady of The Vale, drinking her signature daquiri through a crazy straw and tossing peasants through the Moon Door,” said Weiss. “Then, just cue the laugh track.”

Wiess was quick to assure the press that, in fact, there were no plans to feature a laugh track on upcoming seasons of the fantasy drama, but did not rule out the possibility of a live, studio audience. The showrunners assured us, that the show’s perennial villains, the Whitewalkers, were one of the many elements on the chopping black for the final season. “I think we’ve been getting carried away with fantastical creatures, when the real conflict is right here,” Benioff said pointing to his heart. “What we’re looking at for season eight is more relatable content. We have a number of ‘Very Special Episodes’ to raise awareness of domestic violence and substance abuse and maybe a little ‘will-they-or-wont-they’ relationship drama, huh? Some first crush navigation? I’m looking at you, Bran Stark and Lady Lyanna Mormont.” Benioff and Wiess wrapped up with the press by faking an extra loud belly laugh and freezing in place as credits rolled over them.