'Side Order of Life': Aliens among us

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Side Order of Lifeis making me somewhat paranoid: What does it say about my social life that I kind of wanted to join Vivy’s cool-kids-with-cancer support group? They seemed like a heck of a fun group of people. Nothing like chemo side-effects, nausea, hair-loss, single testicles and dying nerves to bring out the party in people, I guess. Too bad Jenny’s not having half as much fun with Cell Fauxne Man. But what’s it going to take to convince her she’s dating the wrong guy?

The seductive voice on the phone says spoilers are around the corner.

Vivy discovers that sometimes, shoes don’t solve all of life’s major problems, they exacerbate them. This, of course, strikes at the core of womanly bonding. See, every woman, no matter how fat or skinny or young or old, can fit into a pair of killer heels. But apparently one of the many nasty chemo side effects is a thing called peripheral neuropathy, where the nerve in your extremities start freaking out. That means no hot heels for Vivy. I guess she’ll have to content herself with jewelry.

This is a particular blow for Vivy, since she just found a pair of heels that made her feel like Wonder Woman (and I have to say, her adorable Wonder Woman pantomime went a long way to showing why everyone adores her so.) Dr. Misty tells her that cancer sucks like that, and maybe she should join the hospital support group? Vivy considers it, but when she shows up, everyone there looks to be about 90 years old and half-dead. She flees.

Enter Rick, who I am rapidly deciding is my favorite person on the show. He swoops in with a certificate for a faboo spa day, takes Vivy shoe shopping, and tries on, then buys a pair of somewhat hideous orthopedic clodhoppers in solidarity with Vivy, gushing adorably about how darn comfortable they are. He’s also the one who finds Vivy’s bar-going support group, convinces her to go, and forces her to get up, share, and make much-needed cancer-buddy friends. If she doesn’t realize Rick loves her and beats the pants off smarmy Eduardo, I will be showing up to administer dope slaps. Vivy, you’ve been warned.

Ian should be paying attention to warning signs himself. First, Becca appears at his apartment with a bevy of wedding stuff, in very stalker-esque fashion. (I just can’t make up my mind about Becca. Some episodes ,I think she’s actually a decent chick. Others? Psycho!) Unfortunately, just about every vendor Becca visited was one Ian and Jenny were planning to use for their own wedding. AWK-ward! Becca freaks.

Second, Ian seems to be unsure about his own motives. A comely business reporter chats him up, and he decides, after much hemming and hawing, to call her. She’s pissed when she discovers he’s engaged and stalks off. Ian scurries back to Becca, tail between his legs. I’m not saying you shouldn’t marry Becca, Ian; I’m just saying you should pause to reflect.

Jenny should also do some reflecting: She discovers Cell Fauxne Man (1) is going through a complicated divorce, (2) intends to continue owning a business with and working beside his soon-to-be-ex-wife, and (3) has two kids. Jenny, don’t worry — it’s not the right guy. Feel free to run away screaming.

Speaking of which — Jenny’s Story of the Week involves a woman who is convinced her husband of 10 years has been replaced by an alien. She’s suing for divorce, and her hubby is trying to get her declared mentally unfit to make such a decision, even though she seems completely rational in all other areas of her life. See, the wife is suffering from a psychological condition that leads to a specific, fixed delusion centered on one person. Hubby thinks it must have been something he’s done — why else would she suddenly lose it? He also figures out that if he wins the incompetency hearing, his poor wife will be terrified for the rest of her life. He decides to let the divorce go through, even though he still loves her, and she still loves the husband she thinks has been replaced by ET.

Jenny’s Magical Camera reveals that wifey suffered a head injury way back when she was in kindergarten, but her parents hid it from her because… well, to further the plot, really. That head trauma, combined with a skull-jostling ride on Magic Mountain, was enough to precipitate the condition. Now Jenny just has to convince husband and wife that they can somehow stay together until her condition can be treated.

And that’s where Jenny’s experience with phone-based relationships comes in handy. See, the wife only thinks her husband’s an alien while she’s looking at him. One the phone — well, they can talk, bond, and fall in love all over again. Thanks, cellular technology!

Jenny also decides to give Cell Fauxne Man another chance, despite the fact that duh, he’s the wrong guy! Come on, Jenny, keep up! Oh well — we’ll give her two more episodes to figure that out. After that: Dope slaps all around.

Next week, it’s a two-episode season finale. Will Jenny find the real Cell Phone Man — and will she like him? Will Vivy realize Rick is The One? Will Ian and Becca go through with the wedding? Will Jenny’s dad reappear? Will I be forced to descend upon LA in a whirling cloud of divine dope-slapping wrath? Tune in next week to find out!