Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."

"I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing.... Thinking back on it all, it must have been the most difficult part of mothering she ever had to do: knowing the outcome, yet feeling she had no right to keep me from charting my own path. I thank her for all her virtues, but mostly for never once having said, "I told you so."

"Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!"

"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it."

"Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids."

“Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.”

“When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.”

“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”

"Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born."