Kill All Humans?

Last week, for example, I asked viewers if I should "move it" or "lose it". Fifty-two percent responded with "move it." Ten percent said "lose it." And the remaining 38 percent accused me of being a homosexual.

Tonight I have a new question, one I came up with while driving by the orphanage: Should everyone die?

I don't mean existentially. I mean, should everyone, right now, be killed? All of us?

Here's my logic:

Environmentalists say that driving SUVs is bad for the planet because of pollution. But now, new research says it's worse to walk. When you walk you burn calories, which is replaced by eating food, or in my case, worms. It takes energy to create and transfer food, which releases more carbon than your car.

So, just by walking, the planet hurts.

Worse, if we engage in any sport that expends energy, we do more damage. I believe we should cancel the upcoming Olympics , not simply because it sucks, but because the athlete's energy expenditure will kill millions of trees, 51 percent of which are probably children.

I won't even mention the sweatshop labor involved in the production of tube socks. But I just did.

I know athletes won't like this, so we should just kill them. But we should kill round and flabby people too.

Because the planet comes first. And humans cannot do anything, without leaving a carbon footprint. The gas I am passing right now, for example, is killing a plant in Tobago . I call that the Buttocks-Fly Effect. If I had pizza for lunch, I'd call it the Domino's Theory.

Environmentalists say to buy carbon offsets, to offset your life. But that's immoral too, because the energy needed to organize that, far outweighs its meager benefits.

So, it's humans, who must go. I say we start with athletes, then move on to performance artists and then members of the band U2 .