Dear Mom and Dad, I’m not a Catholic Anymore

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m not Catholic anymore. I feel like I owe you an explanation, and I hope that if you’re somehow able to hear and react to me anymore, that you’ll understand.

Catholicism was a huge part of who you were. You worked so hard and sacrificed so much to send me to Catholic schools. You were so proud of me when I made my First Communion, and my Confirmation. Dad, I remember you leading us in the Rosary when we went on long trips. I remember going to Church every Sunday morning, and singing the hymns. Dad, I remember your deep voice booming a vibration I could actually feel, standing next to you.

Church was at the center of everything. Dad, I remember you being part of the men’s club of Ascension Parish – the Ascenders. And Mom, I remember you being president of the Mother’s club of our school.

All our friends were Catholic. All of them.

I wanted to be like you. I still want to be like you.

Until recently, I belonged to a great Catholic Church in Kansas City. The people there are great – wonderful, generous, admirable people. I even like the Priest – a sincere, thoughtful young man whom you both would love. I used to love going to the Masses there – I would kneel and I would sing the hymns and recite the same prayers that I used to recite while kneeling next to you. It felt so deep and so connected. I knew it echoed back to you kneeling next to your parents, and their parents, on back. it reached back into history, and I could participate in the beautiful church at Meyer and Holmes and it might as well be a church in Krakow or Tipperary generations ago.

But, mom and dad, I just don’t believe in the Church anymore. It doesn’t make any sense to me, and I don’t feel right anymore acting like it does. I can go through the motions and try to focus on just the stuff I like, but I feel like a hypocrite.

It’s so comfortable to act like it does still make sense. I miss my friends on Sunday mornings. I want to participate in parish festivals and fish fries. I like the camaraderie and the community. Like I said, it’s a great, great group of people.

But it’s a community that is based on a belief, a creed, that I cannot say in good faith.

I got pretty darned close to the Church. I’ve known Bishops, and I’ve participated in many meetings with them. I have heard them talk about the importance of the priesthood, and I’ve heard them talk about the importance of protecting children.

And I’ve seen them assert their superiority. I heard my Bishop claim that those of us who supported President Obama’s election should fear for our immortal souls. At the same time, he was willing to, at best, avoid investigating a pervert priest and allow him to have access to children. But he presumed to judge me.

Mom and Dad, the Church brought you so much richness and friendship. But, did you know that at the same time you were going to Mass every Sunday and tithing your salaries, the Church was actually castrating young men in the Netherlands who had homosexual leanings?

That’s what was really going on. At the same time, the Church was covering up rape of children in our parishes? Remember Fr. Christian, who hosted movies in the darkened cafeteria of Ascension School? He was raping children. He used those same hands to give us communion, and the Church helped hide his crimes. He never touched me, but a friend of mine was raped by a priest a few parishes over. All that was going on, while we were kneeling in the pews.

That’s all pretty obviously wrong, but the Church hurts others, in other ways. Someone we know and love was told that she could not get married in the Church because she was born with a birth defect that made her infertile. One of the most devout people I know was unable to get married in the Church because the man she married had been divorced, but they had not managed to get the prior marriage annulled in the Church. We didn’t go to her wedding, and you carried the cruelty a bit further by not even telling me it had happened. To you, the marriage hadn’t happened, because it wasn’t held in the Church. That is messed up, but you were doing what the Church expected of you.

I’m sick of it, and I can’t go along with it anymore. Fortunately, I was too weak of a Catholic to raise my children in the faith – I couldn’t make them profess a faith I was struggling with.

The Church does not represent good to me anymore.

It stands against gay marriage – not just in the passive way that it stands against divorced marriage or infertile marriage, but it is actually trying to stand in the way of allowing gay men and women from having marriages in their own churches, according to their own consciences. The thing is, Jesus didn’t preach against gays – in fact, he hung around 12 men and never saw fit to mention the topic. Hmmm. I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that the Church is clinging to a societal taboo that, someday, I hope, it will evolve to be deeply ashamed of, like the many other evils it has embraced.

Just like it is ashamed of its child rape now, but it just can’t quite get around to taking really seriously.

Dad, I remember how, when you were dying, you were planning to have a painful, long-shot surgery to extend your life for a few months at best, because you felt that failing to do so would amount to suicide, and bar you from heaven. I’m thankful that you died suddenly before that happened, and before you endured one last dose of massive pain for your understanding of what the Church expected.

And, Mom, much more positively, I remember how much comfort your faith brought you in your final months. You were ready to go see Dad and begin your afterlife, and you had no doubt that was the way it would be. That’s amazing faith, and I’m so glad you had it.

But I never really have. In my heart, I don’t think that all that stuff about heaven really goes on that way. I don’t necessarily believe that nothing happens; I just don’t know. But after 50 years of being pushed to believe that I will be with the Father God Almighty, etc., etc., it just hasn’t really grabbed me. And I wouldn’t bet my spiritual wealth on dubious propositions like the bread and wine really being flesh and blood, or that God, if there is one, is damning all those other religions to Hell, or that Mary really was a virgin, or that God will cure someone or change the result of a football game if enough of us pray a certain way. After 50 years of trying to believe all that stuff, I just don’t really believe it, and maybe it’s time to stop trying.

As far as theology goes, maybe (maybe not) there is some kind of energy afoot in the world that is beyond human understanding, but I don’t think that energy requires me to believe what a bunch of hypocritical, greedy old men want me to believe.

I know that I’m allowing my anger at the sons of bitches who control our Church to filter into my understanding of the whole shooting match. But, really, I look at how corrupt and just plain mean the Church itself is, despite the wonderful, kind, loving people who make up its congregations, convents and lower levels, and I don’t think that Jesus meant all that when he allegedly told Peter that he was a rock to build a Church on. If Jesus really wanted Peter to construct a power-hungry, wildly wealthy, secretive, strictly male and absolutely hierarchical international organization, he could have said that, but he didn’t.

Did you know that the Church is attacking nuns now, for spending too much time on social justice, and not enough time attacking people for abortion and homosexuality?

Mom, Dad – could you really support this? Too much time on social justice? Not enough focus on abortion and homosexuality? Would you really be a part of a group that thinks that way? It’s like they truly have never read the Bible. I have, and I know that Jesus would be listed as an enemy of this Church, after he ignored those issues to focus on social justice.

It’s crazy – absolutely insane, and I cannot take it anymore. I hope, if you were alive, you would join me in stepping aside from the writhing mess of hatred and hypocrisy that the Church has become. If you wouldn’t, I would understand, I suppose, because Catholicism was bred into your bones as you bred it into mine. It’s hard to step away from something that your parents, and their parents, and their parents believed so fervently, and that so many of your good friends continue to believe.

But I’m finished. I can’t take it anymore. I am not a Catholic. I’m truly sorry.

123 Responses to “Dear Mom and Dad, I’m not a Catholic Anymore”

Your letter to your parents is both articulate and true. Thank you for finding the words to describe your feelings.

Born and raised Catholic, having attended 12 years of Catholic school, I no longer attend Mass or participate in the Church in any way. After struggling with belief for many years, I finally concluded that I no longer believe in God…certainly not the all-loving, all-merciful, all-just, almighty God that the Church contends exists. I also concluded that religion–all religions, not just Catholicism–are mankind’s way to quell the fear we all have of death. They attempt to assuage our fear of death by promising an afterlife. But there are just too many religions, and too many contradictions in all of those religions to be able to call any religion divinely inspired. No. Religion is a purely human invention from start to finish.

I say this wishing it were otherwise. I wish there were an all-loving God. I think we all do. But knowing that there is not only means that we all must truly do what we can to love one another…to care for one another…to help our fellow humans because there is no God around to do that. And wishing will not make it so.

I also feel these things and am at risk of breaking my family’s heart. To me the thing that doesn’t make sense anymore is. …(putting aside the whole body and blood thing and the whole church heirarchy thing. … and everything about marriage in the church, and about the constant guilt and shame )… going back to the root of what I was raised to believe. …Jesus died for our sins but. .. why did Jesus have to die at all? Is it because God likes to see human suffering? Why couldn’t god forgive us our sins? But no, SOMEONE had to pay for it. …in blood. Why? Why why why? Do I worship a god that only forgives because he got his blood already? That seems to me like what it is. And that seems brutal and unloving. Pagan-ish. It makes me incredibly sad and confused.

Do I want to worship a god who demands blood sacrifices? Not really. That doesn’t sound loving at all. And what happened to those 1,000’s of souls that lived before jesus made the blood payment? I just. …I just don’t get it and can no longer pretend it makes sense.

It feels comforting to know that I’m not the only one struggling with this. Thank you for your posts!

I stumbled across this old blog post this morning as I am getting my family ready to attend our non-denominational church. I was raised Catholic, went to church every Sunday, attended Catholic School and honestly had amazing and good priests who did not condone the nightmares that were happening in other churchs. My parents have had a hard time with the decision my husband and I have made to attend a non-denominational church. Honestly, I don’t know why I feel the strong need to reply to you, but I want you to know I am very sorry to hear about your personal experiences with the church and how your friend’s life was destroyed by a terrible individual in the church. I can’t even imagine the pain your friend went through and the pain you went through. I’m not here on Sunday morning to debate politics, or church doctrine or “save you” or anything like that. I don’t know anything about you. What I do know is that God is good and does good things in people as well. This last year I have been doing church a different way, and it’s crazy how life has changed and unfolded in so many positive ways. If that’s not for you, that’s ok too- it’s not my job to preach to you about it. But I do want you to know I am very sorry to hear about the hurt and pain that is on your heart.

I also was on my way to my non catholic church this morning that is bible based and Holy Spirit filled . I too was raised catholic although by those who were anything but devout and would sit about the table in drunkeness and berateother churches I struggled with any faith for a while as to me it was all not perfect Howver the perfect love and saving grace of Jesus Christ who loves me , and you also so much , he suffered and died on that cross for real, absolutely that we may know eternal life in Him , not because we were sprinkled as babies or went to catechism or made our communion or confirmation or knelt every day in a confessional or prayed on a million miles of beads . but that He died for us. All we have to do is accept him as our savior and follow him. Over a millennium, many people in the millions were tortured , persecuted and were killed by the catholic church of Rome for saying, believing and living just what I said and reading the Holy Word of God which was forbidden by all the popes even unto this last century. I was strongly discouraged to read it as a child . This most recent pope , Francis has been quoted to say God isnt a spirit but an idea and that atheists can go to heaven. This is not new as truly malicious demonic evil has from all the way from Constantine to present day has gone on behind the scenes through papal edict. Those who don’t believe me just google search the history of the bible and also the catholic church. It is truly The Whore of Babylon, drunk on the blood of martyrs as is said in the Book of Revelation and God is calling you all out of that unclean and un holy thing through the saving power of the blood of our risen savior, Jesus Christ . God bless you all .

Same here, born and raised catholic. Im currently nodding to every amen and praise but in my mind im like, do I really believe that? I go to mass with my family so they dont suspect and ask questions. Im afraid of asking someone for an opinion, I believe my opinion will make them loose their faith and it will be my fault. I think like im the only one who feels this way and ive been like this for over 2 years. I also dont know if I believe in the all good God people preach about, and im not satisfied with pretending I understand and believe in all those things. What worries me is that Im in between and dont know how, or if I want to re-believe of get out already. Im just waiting for something to happen and I think thats wrong

I was thinking about my recently passed Father and our years-long fight about Catholicism. I googled it and found your post. Thank you so much. I always hoped my Dad would accept me as I was, but his beliefs were strong and he insisted I adhere to Catholic teachings. It was a lose-lose situation. I hope the feelings will wash away with time….

Charles – I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. Understand that he came from a time where the belief was that if you did not adhere strictly to Catholic belief, you would be banished to hell in the afterlife. While we may not believe that, for those who did, it was an expression of love and concern that they did everything they could to get you to do as expected. It was perhaps an odd form of love, but it was very real to them. Your father’s love for you was so immense that he went through the pain of disagreement with you for what he thought was a more important end for you. You were deeply loved.

I was educated in Catholic Schools in NYC & N.J. in the 50’s. —- Twelve years of misery and meaningless B.S!—— I saw nuns bash children’s heads into the blackboard, and grab two boys by their hair and bang their heads together. Catholic Schools are just indoctrination centers for the sick Catholic Clergy!

The Catholic Church is a criminal organization, and they hide the crimes of the Criminal Catholic Clergy!

The Church has no respect for children and the faithful. They use the faithful for their money. There is no soul in the Catholic Church, There is no Christian Fellowship in the Catholic Church.

The Priests and Nuns of the Catholic Church are psychologically sick human beings that are not to be trusted, and they teach a distorted view of the Christian Religion. They are fakes, frauds and phonies. They are not to be trusted.

I just came across this site, and I to understand what it was like to be raised by a devout Catholic mother. I grew up in the Catholic Church. When I was older and dating my soon to be wife, I went to a nondenominational church with her family. I soon learned from a bible based church, that the Catholic teachings are wrong and certainly are based on Gods word. It has been a struggle and disappointing to tell my mother and family, the real truth because they’re so set in their ways. I’ll just keep praying for them.

The only problem I had with your testimony is when you spoke of gays. You really believe Jesus was gay because he had male desciples. That is wrong and sad you think that way. The bible says that men laying with men is an abomination. You better read the word of God further regarding this.

Mike, I think we come at this from different points of view. The Bible includes all kinds of what I consider to be nonsense about seafood, blended fabrics, haircuts and, yes, some read it to include homosexuality, too. Unless you go full on Deuteronomy with that stuff, I think it’s a hypocritical smokescreen for bigotry. Just my opinion, though . . .

My mom was raised Catholic, and my Dad is half Jewish and a strict-non-believer. I just finished my freshman year at a catholic school, and since then I have started to feel like I’m believing in God. My family doesn’t practice, but I pray every night because I feel like there is a God. However, I know there is a lot of in-continuities between the Bible and Science, evolution being a big one. I really want to fully believe in a God, but there is so much proof against it that it’s hard to commit. A lot of my friends are Catholic, and it seems really nice to believe in resurrection, however I don’t want to live forever after I’m resurrected. When I die, I want that to be it. In fact, it scares me in a way the thought of life forever. I’m really conflicted, and I don’t know what to do. Thanks!

I was a practicing Catholic for 14 years. I found that the Catholic churches prayers though full of good intentions do not get to the source of strife nor dot they solve problems and issues, though they clearly promise to. I read the bible very closely and spent time in liturigical school, and received my cathecism as well as communion.

The fact is that the Catholic church doctrine does not prevent major tragedy. Further Catholics do not listen, nor try to understand nor do they reflect and learn. Instead they act cult like, trying to control the very catholics who had to leave them. I was born to leave the Catholic church.

I was meant not to agree with God or the Bible. It’s in my will and my natural personality not to love God.

It’s not because I didnt’ try. B

But becaues God failed me.

I believed him with all my heart.

He responded by giving me hell on earth tragedy.

When I even mention something nice about that prick, he begins to manipulate my point of view for his.

Fuck his opinion that ass hole. I hate him, Jesus and the Catholic chruch.

Brian – it sounds like you have been through some tough times, and the Catholic Church is catching a dose of the blame. I don’t know enough to know whether that is fair or not – a lot of the saints went through some pretty nasty stuff, too. Job, too. Regardless, I hope that you are able to accept that a lot – the vast majority in my experience – of Catholic people are kind, decent and helpful.

gonemild — As many of these commenters, I grew up Catholic. I was born into a Catholic family and went to a Catholic school for 8 years of my life. I’ve gone to church every Sunday for the past 18 years. Religion was drilled into me so much so that it became something that I can now say I often overlooked. I thought it was boring, didn’t really serve a purpose. I did not sincerely care or want to care about God.
Probably a week into the summer before 9th grade, my parents sat down my brothers and I, and told us they were going to separate. We weren’t really the crying family so I “kept it together” and just nodded my head when they asked if I was ok or whatever. I was not ok. During that conversation, I felt like someone had driven a nail into my soul. I felt physical pain from my emotions. I couldn’t even bear to look at my parents; I stared at the wall, with my eyes welling up, and I just kept nodding my head. I coped with the whole situation by pushing it away, and I just figured I wouldn’t be sad or angry if I didn’t talk or think about it. The only person I ever talked to was God. I prayed to make my parents happy, to fix everything, and I asked Him why my parents would do something so stupid. I internalized all of my feelings about the divorce. My sadness, anger, and lack of trust were all pushed deep into my heart so that I would never have to deal with them. For years, I didn’t talk about the divorce because I felt that I had gotten over it and was no longer emotionally affected by it.
It wasn’t until 4 years later that I learned that I wasn’t the only one distraught about the divorce; my Dad was emotionally broken to pieces. He thought he had failed as a man and he felt ashamed and worthless. Only by the intervention of the Holy Spirit was my father able to find himself again. I wrote a paper about a role model (typical writing assignment) about 3 months after the divorce. It was about my Dad. I never gave it to him or told him about it, but somehow he got it and read it. I had written the pep talk of my Dad’s life for a 9th grade English class. After that he joined a rebuilding from divorce class at our church. He found strength in his faith and he’s now the leader of the group and he helps others through the pain he felt. When my Dad shared this story with me, I felt nothing but shock and amazement in the presence of God’s power.

I’m sorry there are so many men and women apart of the Church that have hurt you. That hurts my heart, and it hurts the Lord’s heart. If you could just look past the people who are preaching, and see who they are preaching about, the person of Jesus Christ, give him a try. Just a try, that’s all anyone can ask of you. Let Jesus know how you feel, talk to him, please just give it a try. He wants to heal you, and he can heal you. Your parents always loved you, even if it didn’t always feel that way, you were theirs, you were their child. In the same way, God has always loved you, even if it doesn’t feel that way, no matter where you are in your life or the decisions you’ve made, you will always be His child.

Thank you for your caring comments, Adam, but I no longer believe in God. I’m happy for you and I don’t question your own belief, but the fact that you wrote a paper that your Dad found inspirational doesn’t quite change my worldview. Please understand – I’m not arguing with you or brushing off what you felt as God in your life. I have had similar moments in my past when I felt like I was in the presence of a larger, divine force, but my feelings are not always reliable, and they don’t quite inspire me to believe in the things the Church says I need to believe in to be a good Catholic. Transubstantiation – nope. Virgin birth? Nope. Trinity? Nope. Heaven? Nope. Hell? Nope. And is the Church a corrupt, sexist, completely human, non-divine institution? I think so.

I too am having trouble with the Catholic church as I can’t seem to get a grip on the rationale of protecting Priests who use their office to assault and rape children. It makes no sense to me on why members of a particular diocese would tolerate the transfer of priests whom the church has full knowledge of their sexual misconduct and transfer church funds to trusts funds to keep people who have been abused from accessing those monies. It would seem to me many bishops the world over should be prosecuted and defrocked by the powers that be in Rome. Such is not the case. The Catholic church has made a science of hiding information and keeping secret information regarding priests who have been found to have assaulted children. I frankly don’t trust the church anymore and have no confidence that children are safe. I really looked forward to Pope Francis “draining the swamp.” But it seems we’re in for more of the same. He may be working on cleaning up the mess at the Vatican bank; but it would seem the children in parishes worldwide are still subject to priests who cant seem to get their sexual drives under control. Which is more important? The mess at the Vatican bank I guess.

Roman Catholicism has made me mentaly ill and has alienated me from everyone that I felt I had a relationship beyond acquaintance. If what is required to be a true, good, Roman Catholic, always in a state of grace to be worthy to receive the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus Christ at daily mass, then I do not have it in me. I end up a more anxiety ridden piece of human shit then I already am, as the world is a vulgar, offensive place just passing through, not to mention trying to make a living in. I prefer that I am a programmed solipsist, this horror show we call life cannot be real. My life is a figment of someone else’s imagination.

I stumbled upon this blog and well… Wow! I have a totally different perspective. I was born and raised Southern Baptist. I had a very deep and personal relationship with Christ then and I still do today. However, I am now Catholic and go to Mass. Now that right there is a long story, but I would like to ask some questions in response to this blog and most of the commentators on here.

1) First, (a statement not a question) all of those bad things that were experienced in the Catholic Church can also be experienced in any other Protestant or Non-Denominational church. Take for example, the child rape scandal. It was a major problem and a horrible time for the Church. However, are you telling me children aren’t raped or molested in other churches? To that I say “yeah right”. It doesn’t make headline news much like the last murder in Chicago doesn’t make headline news. Why? Because mainstream media doesn’t consider it a story! Listen, the Catholic Church is a physical and visible Church and whether Protestants like it or not, the rest of the secular world looks to it as the “leading” Church of all Christian churches. They don’t understand the spiritual church the same way we Christians do.

2) I can understand not wanting to be Catholic anymore, but what are you now and why? The writer of this blog may not be associated with any Christian denomination or any religion any longer. If that is the case, then this question is just for the commentators who feel the same way but have turned to another denomination or “non-denomination”. If your answer is I am not Catholic anymore but I am a proud ______ fill in the blank Protestant or whatever because this church makes me feel good or I like my friends there, then you are already missing the boat on the whole church thing anyway. Even if you are not Catholic, you just aren’t “getting it” if you are trying to fit your beliefs into a religion or denomination’s doctrines. There will always be something you have to choke on and take like a pill.

3) So if you do have to choke on doctrine and take it like a pill, why do it with a spin-off denomination from the original? Why not try to understand better what the Catholic Church is teaching? There are many resources out there for doing so. Yes, mom and dad should be our initial and primary source, but once we grow up and have a mind of our own, we should research for ourselves instead of saying “it just doesn’t feeeel right anymore”. Most of the things listed in this blog seem to have been used as simple ammunition to justify not liking something. Like a child saying I don’t want to eat my broccoli. It’s okay if you don’t want the broccoli, but why??? Once again, we are all sinners and it is highly probable there are rapist in every church, and if that is truly your answer to why you aren’t Catholic then fine, but then don’t be anything else either.

4) Have you read John 6? How can you read that and honestly partake in drinking grape juice and crackers at a non-Catholic church and be okay with that? I don’t mean to come across as cocky, but I do ask you seriously, have you ever given that much thought?

5) When is the last time you read Revelation? Scary, interesting and mind boggling at the same time huh? Whether you think you have an understanding of Revelation or not, where on earth can we find a universal Church that worships in a manner that is true to John’s vision? Where can we find priests in vestments standing before an altar? Where do we encounter men consecrated to celibacy? Where do we hear the angels invoked? Where do we find a Church that keeps the relics of the saints within its altars? Where does art extol the woman crowned with the stars, with the moon at her feet, who crushes the head of the serpent? Where do the faithful pray for the protection of St. Michael the archangel? Where else but in the Catholic Church, and most particularly in the Mass?

Thank you for your comment – you obviously spent some time putting your thoughts into words. I certainly don’t begrudge anybody their faith, even though it doesn’t convince me that there is anything behind it other than generations power, control and gullibility. As you surmised, I have not jumped from the Catholic faith to another handed-down belief system.

The thing that’s really done it for me is the lack of diversity in the leadership group of the Church. I wouldn’t buy shares, products or services from any organisation which excluded women from ever being able to become members of its leadership group. All the available evidence now shows that more diverse leadership teams are more productive, effective and efficient than homogeneous ones. That’s because they draw on a variety of life experiences and perspectives when considering major issues. And you cannot get a more homogenous group of leaders than old, unmarried, male virgins. Does anybody seriously believe that if half the bishops and cardinals were women with children they would have tolerated for one second moving paedophiles to other parishes to prey on other womens’ children? The train has left the station and it’s not returning. Millions leave the Church every year and the hair of those attending mass gets greyer and greyer.