Putting a Humorous Twist on the Mundane

Dear Ellen: I wrote to you!

Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

Dear Ellen,

I finally wrote to you. I’ve been asked a couple of times if I’ve ever heard from you. When I told people, “no,” they thought it was rude that you hadn’t written back. But then I explained to them that I never actually wrote to you. I’ve only ever written to you on my blog. So, it’s not really fair of them to get upset. After all, you’re not psychic. There’s no way you could know that some deranged writer with an overactive imagination is trying to reach you – especially when that deranged writer hasn’t actually contacted you through your email address.

Tonight, I wrote to you…through your website. I’ve never been more terrified…..of snakes….but that doesn’t have anything to do with writing you or this blog so I’ll move on. To prove to my readers that I actually wrote you, I took a screenshot of the email. Here it is.

Just in case you can’t read the screenshot – which would be weird, Ellen, because you shouldn’t be reading this on a screenshot. You should be reading this from your computer or cell phone or something. But just in case – you’re actually on my blog – here is what I wrote.

Dear Ellen,

I have a printer. His name is Leonard. Leonard has a very particular diet. He eats paper. I’m sure that’s obvious to you, but it’s not so obvious to my toddlers. To date, I’ve rescued Leonard – and his sensitive digestive system – from waffles, Hot Wheels, Little People, peanut butter crackers, ball point pens, paper clips, cookies, cat toys and mega blocks. Now, if only I could get my cat to stop using him as a scratching post.

Have you ever had to save your printer from anything like this? I’d love to know!

Sincerely,

A. Marie

And then after that, I left my website address. But wait! There’s more! Just because I love you, Ellen, I’m going to start emailing you copies of all of my “Dear Ellen” blogs – one at a time. It’s time to get you caught up, Ellen. So tell your staff to get ready!

The economy will surely improve with Ellen having to hire so many people to manage your correspondence with her. Our printer eats toner…which according to the directions is appropriate behavior…but we believe its appetite exceeds the manufaturers desires. Certainly ours. We seem to be buying cartridges like crazy. We love our printer. We just want it to have a less voracious appetite. Our printer has no name aside from when it shows toner is once again low. It then sports several names, none of which should be repeated here…and certainly none that would ever air on Ellen’s show.