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“If you are alone, I’ll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder. If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.” — Source unknown.

My life seems so incredibly fucked up now. Even I have grown tired of the constant, seemingly endless drama that I consistently seem to manifest about me.

I have shared openly and with honest and authentic admission that I have not always lived life as a man of integrity. Lies, deceptions, illusions, delusions once filled my life. No one really knew who I was back then. The pain that I carry, the result of the shame, guilt and true remorse are difficult to still bear. I make my own best attempts to forgive myself and live by the commitments I have made to a life of rigorous honesty. I revel in my new, authentic life and the easy cadence it brings.

However there are some who I have hurt in the past that refuse to see me as the man I am today and not the fool I was before. Rather than try to see my progress, I am forced to swallow the bile of their resentments and my born again guilt. I reach out to them at times like this for their love and support. How many times can I hit “rock bottom” and how much worse can it get? The problems I face in my life now contribute to anxiety and that feeling of being “lost.” I have people; friends or “family of choice” with one best friend Trish who is so calm, patient and willing to learn, that I truly know what unconditional love feels like. She very well could be that angel I’ve asked for!

When does it ever stop? What do these “detractors” get from holding their resentments so dear? When can I be seen as the man I am today, rather than the monster of my past? How can family turn-off their love and sit idly by while I grow more and more lost, alone and afraid? I have begged for their help. Their refusal is like a nightmare; if they needed my help I wouldn’t think twice. I would do what I could. I still love them, even now, as they turn away.

I have worked so hard and tried to follow a path toward personal growth. I’ve learned so much along the way, but now I feel so lost in my fears and find myself dwelling in these feelings of abandonment and betrayal. These behaviors I know are preventing me from initiating my solution to my challenges. I want to learn whatever it is I am supposed to from this lesson and move on. I want a life filled with the love and joy of family and friends.

“The real sin against life is to destroy beauty, even one’s own – even more one’s own, for that has been put in our care, and we are responsible for its well-being.” —Katherine Anne Porter

A good way to start each day is by asking, “What can I do to take care of myself today?” To ask and answer that question is to affirm our belief that we’re worth taking care of. It also requires looking within ourselves with honesty. Is it hard to admit that we’re struggling? Or that we’re feeling sick? Or those feelings as rage, sorrow or fear are predominant? Or that we’re working through issues that may be as difficult as incest, sexual, physical or emotional abuse?

Meeting our needs with gentleness and compassion soften the task of being good to ourselves. It may take a long time of asking, “What can I do to take care of myself today?” before we actually know how to, or want to. But just as a good parent thinks of how to take care of a child, we can learn to do the same for ourselves. Each time we do, we move closer to higher self-esteem.