William Hague kicks John Bercow in shins and gives him a Chinese burn

There were sensational scenes in the House of Commons yesterday as William Hague repeatedly kicked John Bercow in the shins before giving him a Chinese burn.

MPs from all parties gathered round cheering ‘fight, fight, fight,’ but the speaker resolutely refused to vacate his position.

After it became apparent to Mr Hague that Mr Bercow was determined to remain speaker he stalked out of the chamber, but not before delivering the bone-chilling message – “I’m going to shit you up after Commons you bloody nobneck.”

There have been numerous recent attempts to unseat the speaker by the Tories, amongst whom he is unpopular.

In December there was a campaign of humming, where Tory MPs would softly hum whenever Mr Bercow spoke.

In January they ‘sent him to Coventry’ meaning they would pretend to not hear Mr Bercow whenever he spoke, leading to farcical scenes of the Speaker trying to call the House to order only for Iain Duncan-Smith to respond with – “Did someone say anything? I didn’t hear anything.”

After Prime Minister’s question time last Wednesday the Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls had to buy Mr Bercow a sandwich after the speaker was duffed up and had his lunch money stolen by an unknown group of Tory MPs.

It is understood that Tory MPs intend to step up their campaign against the Speaker after the election, regardless of the result, with plans afoot to have all the girls call his hair ‘shit’ and scratch ‘Bercow = Cacked pants’ onto the Speaker’s desk.

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