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Monday, June 1, 2009

Why?

Last night I had a nightmare. In that dream Omega was killed in a car accident. I saw myself clearly answering the phone hearing his brother's voice telling me to go to the hospital. I saw his family waiting for news. I saw a doctor (which I think might have been House) enter to tell of us of his death. I kept trying to bend the dream...to change it, the next moment I was home alone after that long time, and found his dirty coffee cup in the sink. I sat up. I looked across the bed and Omega wasn't there, and for a split second I wondered if it wasn't a dream. I heard the toilet flush in the bathroom, and saw him return into the room. I saw the look of confusion on his face. In less than a second, I was clamoring out of the bed and flying into his arms, practically knocking him over. I couldn't stop crying and crying isn't even an adequate word to describe it. I wanted to climb inside him. He held me so tightly. I was truly a mess, puddling to the floor, hyperventilating. It was totally pathetic. He was torn, not wanting to leave me but afraid I would pass out. I was holding onto him and he was trying to calm me down.

Eventually, I began to realize it was just a nightmare, and that seemed to help me calm down. I apologized to him for seeming crazy. He asked about the dream but I couldn't bring myself to tell him anything. He just continued holding me close to him. I needed him, in that moment I needed to feel all of him. I was free of any inhibition. I was vulnerable. And, at that same moment so was he. He's described by his therapist as a sexual anorexic. He won't allow himself to feel but recently that's been changing. He's allowed himself to be honest with his very strong feelings and since we've been together, he's made progress.

But this was different. This was raw. I thought once before we'd had this, but in truth I've never felt anything like that in my life. It was as though I was moving through him and he moving through me. It was mutual. It was electric, magnetic and carnal. We were both depleted after, but not. Last time I had scared myself and this time was different. He was so quiet after, and we were both trembling, I started to cry a little not because of the dream that started it all, but the power of us. The only word he could ask afterward, in a shaky voice that seemed to almost give him away, was "why?"

I love Omega, I love the fact he can clearly see when he's being an ass, and even though he can't always stop it, he can learn from it, and rectify it. I love that I'm better with him, I love the way his complicated mind works but I deeply love his ability to reason through difficult things with a surgeon's precision. I love Omega's inner strength, and his quiet vulnerability he often refuses to acknowledge. I love the sound of his voice, even when he yells.

There is too much good in this man I call Omega, and even when he reads this he will argue that line. He will say that he's incredibly flawed, and not worthy. He doesn't need to fish for compliments, it's not in his nature to ask for them. He's too humble. Yes he is exceedingly confident in his demeanor (especially in his job), but he's not arrogant as some think, he's too unselfish to really be arrogant. People are quick to point out that he's highly critical. However what they don't see about him is that he sees his own flaws with the same clarity. The confidence he wears is just a mask that he hides behind.

So, he asked me why? Because in that moment his wall was down, my wall was down, and I could really feel him, and everything he is. I could clearly feel his love, devotion, fear and his power.

Today, we're both playing hooky from work, though it's a bad day for us to do it, we are putting ourselves first. We can't lose this momentum our relationship has taken. I have a therapy appointment today, he has a meeting with his therapist too and wants me to join him for at least part of the session.

I dabble a little in dream interpretation. It is believed that when we dream, we are dreaming about parts of ourselves, and put a face to it that our mind interprets symbolically. I would guess that this is the part of you that saw Omega differently when you were with Alpha. Or perhaps it is your connection with Alpha that died.

It is also important to remember that we must let something go before we can begin something new. Today you are beginning anew with Omega, and letting go of yesterday.

Whatever it is, I'm thrilled that the two of you are putting your relationship first, and moving forward together. That is true love, imo.