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No more lengthy one-second waits for information

Our gizmo guru, Jim, is highly qualified for Jobsby JIM HARRIS
Last week, I got cold-called by Steve Jobs in a dream. He said, “Jim, you need to get connected to the cosmos. Land lines and desktop computers don’t cut it anymore. You need to spread your wireless wings and rule the air!”

If you don’t stay up on the latest technological advances, you will wind up as backward as this Morlock from “The Time Machine,” by H.G. Wells. So don’t forget to post a video of your children every day on Facebook to share it with your 45,000 closest friends.

He went on, “You need to dramatically increase the size of your bandwidth, decrease the size of your liquid crystal display, get yourself a 12-megapixel digital tablet with a dual core A5 chip, high-definition video and a central processing unit that’s at least 8 gigahertz.

“If you don’t do this,” he said, “you’ll get left in the lurch with the Luddites. You’ll be like one of those Morlocks from ‘The Time Machine,’ living underground in the dark, doing manual labor, while the happy Eloi frolic in the sunlight. Wouldn’t you rather be an Eloi?”

“Well sure,” I thought. I woke up and began buying all the latest digital devices as fast as I could spend the money. Now I’m a true gizmo guru. No more lengthy one-second waits for information. I get everything at the speed of light.

In fact, I have access to so much information that I’m no longer merely an individual, but rather a conglomeration of specialized operatives in many different fields, each with their own mission statement, screen name and website. I am Team Jim.

Team Jim talks in “Jim Speak.” For instance, If you were to say to me, “Johnny Depp and his wife are splitting up,” I would reply, “Team Jim begs to differ! While appearing on the French chat show Le Grand Journal, wearing a salmon-colored sweater, just five minutes ago, Depp’s wife Vanessa Paradis denied a split.”

Hold on, I’m getting another message from the notification center: (The new “Wrath of the Titans” movie is awesome.) Okay, that was helpful.

Of course, all of my devices are interconnected. When I get up in the morning, I put on my iPants one iLeg at a time, and shave with my iRazor, which understands over 200 commands in five languages. My iPhone monitors my car’s tire pressure, and also manages my optimum sleep cycles. Whoops, hold on, it says I have to nap for three seconds.

OK, I’m back. I can also study new trends in trends, to stay ahead of the curve in fashion and technology. One app even helped me trace my ancestry back 70,000 years to a cave man named Awoo who died from an untreated cold sore. Wow, we certainly have come a long way since then, eh? These days, if I have a medical problem, I can go on the web, describe my malady, order some pills from Mexico and be cured (or dead) the next day.

Just a sec, I have to set my reminders: “eat, tweet, go to bathroom, sleep.”

Check this out. I can use my iPhone to take a video of myself watching a movie on my iPad, then post the video on Facebook to share it with my 45,000 closest friends. Then I can write about the whole experience on my blog. By the way, all of my friends are divided into networks, like sports, movies, food, chat, etc. That way, I can tweet them about those specific subjects. It’s more efficient, and it saves valuable tweeting time

Wait, my GPS is telling me something: “Put your right foot in / put your right foot out / shake it all about.”

Did you hear about the man who lost his memory card and didn’t know who he was? He was found wandering aimlessly on Germantown Avenue looking for the area’s best sushi bar. Tragic!

To prevent such disasters in the future, I personally am developing a consumer electronic device called the “iAm,” which will contain all of the data in the universe. It will be surgically implanted into your brain, thus eliminating the danger of losing it. The only downside is that if you don’t buy one, you will cease to exist.

By the way, whenever I speak or write, my words are automatically recorded, emailed to the Library of Congress and immediately copywritten, so feel free to use any of the information contained in this article, but be sure to clear it with my legal department first.

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