This blog is not affiliated in any way with Cindy Crawford. Even if she is its de facto inspiration. It's also not affiliated in any way with Hayden Panettiere, who's earned joint top billing on this blog because she makes me happy. And that ain't easy.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

"Who wrote this thing, Paul Thomas Anderson? Edit, people!"

I promised Jen that I'd take myself over to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest this weekend on her behalf, since she's too lazy to get her shapely behind into a multiplex. :) I also saw Cars (saying this is the worst Pixar movie to date is like saying "Lift Me Up" is Geri Halliwell's best record - it's only in comparison to all the others - but it's horribly close to DreamWorks at times. And not the DreamWorks of The Prince of Egypt, Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas and Over The Hedge either, and not only because they replaced the voice of Lightning's agent on UK prints... I should have known this wouldn't be up to Pixar's high standards when they called in Jeremy Clarkson*).Anyhoo, Pirates of the Blahblahblah. I liked the new Walt Disney Pictures logo (the castle in three dimensions with backgrounds and everything); I liked Johnny Depp's performance as much as in the first one, although he doesn't get as much screen time this time alas; and Bill Nighy as Davy Jones was good too, with great squid makeup to boot. The trouble is, the movie's structured as the first part of a two-parter and it takes its time about it; careful setting up of characters is one thing, but writers Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio (whose names on a project never bodes well for me, with the exceptions of Aladdin and The Mask of Zorro) just faff about for a lot of the film's two and a half hours. Turner is sent off to get something to help him and Elizabeth escape the noose, Sparrow is off to get the same thing to help him wriggle out of a deal he made with Jones, Elizabeth sets out to get some information to help her and Turner escape... this isn't so much an adventure-fantasy as a very, very, very long version of the story about the old woman who wanted some help with a pig (everyone she asked wanted her to get someone else to help them, and so on).Plus, it's an adventure-fantasy that throws in everything from cannibals to sea monsters but little in the way of plot coherence or thrilling scenes. Like Lethal Weapon 4, the impression is that everyone concerned was having such a good time making the movie that they forgot to focus on getting the story started; this was a problem with the first movie, and it's worse here because this is exactly what a lot of people accused Back to the Future Part II of being, namely a long trailer for the third movie. It just goes along with not much actual momentum until it abruptly stops with the setting-up completed. (Although to be fair, the unexpected and uncredited appearance of a major character from the first movie does bode well for the next one. Since Jen hasn't seen the original, I think she should, otherwise she'll have no idea why this is a good thing.)Just to make matters worse, the movie stretches credibility too much even for a fantasy-adventure (even I, who can suspend disbelief from incalculably high altitudes - as you'd expect from someone who's watched every episode of Charmed - even I have to draw the line somewhere. And when the plot expects us to accept Keira Knightley disguising herself as a man and people falling for it, that line is very much drawn... not least since her hair is cut short for the illusion and then suddenly appears long and flowing again). Coincidences to get all the key people where they have to be do not a good plotline make, either. And really, as with the first movie does it have to be so long? (Hence the Lorelei Gilmore quote.)Orlando Bloom proves again that he's probably the only actor in the world to seem less macho with blonde hair, but Naomie Harris, Jack Davenport and most of the rest of the cast are better (Keira's a bit too BBC-ish to be effective); Hans Zimmer and chums's music isn't a help, but the ILM/Asylum/Orphanage/etc. effects are; and there's a nice joke after the end credits, but not enough ones before them. It really is a fairground attraction of a movie; nothing but a ride, and not much of one at that. I didn't hate it, but in a perfect world Superman Returns would take in the cash that this and Cars are rolling in.In short, Jen might like it, but I doubt it. She should see the first one and then decide.*Jeremy Clarkson is a loudmouthed motoring TV personality, and a right-wing jerk to boot. I hate him.

The James Horner Spot.

The Tell Them Who I Am Spot.

...is a 43-year-old guy who likes listening to film and TV music, whose days of eating entire packets of biscuits are gone thanks to the ol' diabetes, whose hair - thanks to genetics - now has a bald spot on top but who is fortunately 6'2" so it's hard to see, who enjoys the box (particularly American shows - and the often-made British claim that "we only see the best of US TV" is a fallacy as anyone who has cable will testify. I think it's Americans who only see the best of Br... I hate that term, so I refuse to sully this blog with it), who's gotten most of his friends through stories and the net, who loves writing about attractive female celebrities, who slaves at a direct mail company, and who isn't as sorry he grew up in Barbados between 1976 and 1993 as he used to be. Oh, and he doesn't seem any emotionally different from when he was 12. A man really is a child grown up, child is father of the man, and so on...