Friday, October 27, 2017

All of her friends are getting married or getting pregnant
or both and “Same As Always” finds herself left out, shunted aside. She has
known these girls for quite some time and considers them to be good friends.
And yet, she is neither married nor attached nor pregnant. She does not
understand why her friends are not including her, and are moving away from her.

Before any further ado and before looking at whatever Ask Polly was able to conjure up, examine the letter:

I’m 32,
and at this point, all but three of my friends have either gotten married or
engaged, and six of my friends are now pregnant. I’ve been single most of my
adult life, and while it really bugs
me sometimes, most of the time I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished on my own,
the things I’ve learned, and the life I’ve built for myself. I may not have had
sex in two years, but I created a life of my own in a big city, I’ve traveled,
I’ve met a hundred men through online dating or setups, I have a condo, a
career, and great friends.

But as
more of those friends get attached or preggo, I feel like I’m missing out on
those big life milestones that everyone else is reaching. I feel left behind,
like things are changing in big ways for my friends and I’m just standing here,
single as always. They’ll have less and less time for me, which is natural —
they have other things to worry about now! — but I’ll have the same amount of
time for them. They don’t often ask me about dating anymore; I don’t get
plus-one invitations to weddings; it’s as if they’ve given up on me, and I’m here,
stagnant, in the same place I’ve always been for the past decade.

How can
I not feel left behind when everyone around me is moving forward?

Same As
Always

Naturally, you are not worrying so
much about SAA’s friends as you are about SAA. She travels; she dates; she owns
her own condo; she has met a multitude of men… and she is alone, friendless
and, by the by, sexless. She has not had sex in two years. One would like to
think that she is waiting for a good marriage prospect, but clearly she has
never gotten very close to any of the men she has met.

We do not know whether she is too
involved in her work, is decidedly unattractive, or simply does not like men. Her scene, such as it is, is a mating and dating scene. One suspects that these friends have husbands and friends. Normally, they would attempt to fix her up. If they have not or if they have stopped trying, then clearly she has a problem.The veil she has thrown over this aspect of her life leads us to believe that
the explanation is easy and not very flattering.

Again, we do not know what her
problem is, but clearly she has not been working on finding a man as much as
she has building her career, having an independent life. Which is a life choice
among others. And yet, didn’t her Women’s Studies professor teach her that
people, even women, tend to share their time with others with whom they have
more in common. Being an independent, autonomous, self-involved career woman
does not attract very many men. We all knew that. But, it also causes her to be shunted to the side by friends who took a different life path.

Now, you are probably dreading the
moment when I share what Polly offers as a response. You are right to do so.
Here is a snippet. Thank me for sparing you the bulk of it:

And
speaking of using reductive, oversimplified language that doesn’t do justice to
the complexity of the situation: You say that your friends are moving forward
without you. But this isn’t a board game. They haven’t moved ahead several
spaces just by getting married or having kids. The fact that so many people
believe that procreating is like landing on a space with a magic gumdrop that
sends you closer to the finish line reflects just how deeply fucking juvenile
and asinine our culture can be.

So
don’t demean yourself by using the wrong language or telling the wrong story
about your life. Women do this so often because our culture always tells
inaccurate, reductive stories about us.

Yes, indeed, Polly recommends what many therapists would
recommend: namely, that SAA start telling herself a different story, that she
change her vocabulary. Yes, indeed. Because Polly thinks, as does just about
everyone else, that life is just a story and that our culture promotes narratives
in which women are infantilized.

So SAA should tell herself that she is strong and empowered
and independent and autonomous… which is exactly what the feminist matriarchs
have been pounding into her head. And, that has alienated her from her friends.

Polly notwithstanding, there is nothing juvenile or asinine
in getting married and having children. The statement is stupid, even by Polly
standards. In fact, telling women that they must be self-involved and
self-sufficient and self-absorbed is, if not juvenile, at least
counterproductive when it comes to the mating game. Is that the hidden secret, here?

One suspects that SAA has gotten herself in this predicament
by reading people like Polly. Her first resolution should be to stop taking bad advice.

I'd add "too much COSMO" to "too much Polly". I think it may be the first is more at fault; haven't seen one in years, but what I recall is it's all about the single lifestyle and having fun and not about getting married and having kids. Her fertility is gradually diminishing, though my mother had her last child at 40 years and 11 months.