Tuesday, April 23, 2013

***Update - Iceman was busy watching the Red Wings be worse than the CBJ last night and asked that he do Wednesday instead. I obliged because I have a horse cock.***

Don't lie. We've all, at some point, got sucked into watching a cheesy infomercial late at night and thinking that that is the greatest product ever. We have all sorts of frozen fruit bags in the freezer at the moment so I decided that I was going to start making smoothies this week. The only problem with that idea was that I broke our blender a few months ago. Apparently, my steroid and stem cell shakes were too awesome and dense. So after telling the wife I was going to buy a new one before she left, she told me to get a Magic Bullet as she had heard good things. For the first time ever, I took her advice and could not be happier. The Bullet is the GOAT. I'm making smoothies my ass off this week. You always worry about whether what you see on TV actually translates to a good and usable product once you buy it...I can assure you that the Magic Bullet does.

So that's what today's topic will be (before we get to today's commenter pic): As Seen On TV products!

Slap Chop - What a fucking stupid product. Who sits around bitching about the LEMPH of time that it takes to dice onions? This thing is just itching to lop off your index finger. DON'T BUY

Garden Weasel/Roto Tiller - This product looks cools as shit as you just stick the prongs into the ground, slightly twist your wrist, and BAM the earf is tilled like a champion. There is no chance in hell that this works. DON'T BUY

Mighty Putty - Are you fucking kidding me? There's a really good chance that if you need to calk or grout something then you shouldn't be the one doing it or cutting corners with the materials needed to complete the task. I know that when I installed my glory hole and it needed a seal to prevent rot around the edges, I didn't skimp on the materials. DON'T BUY

Wax Vac - Ah yes, for the person who is too retarded to effectively use a Q-tip! I know that you aren't supposed to jam those things in your ear canal but ear wax is so fucking gross that it is a must. The risk is worth it. I hope that you've seen this commercial that sometimes runs on ESPNEWS. It is beyond LULZ. How can you trust some shitty contraption to suck the wax out of your head? DON'T BUY

Perfect Brownie - She$ got one of these from her mother two years ago at Christmas and it remains unopened in storage. What a shitty thing. Who are you to tell me how big of a brownie I can eat anyway? Whatever, since my extended family has decided to start doing a white elephant for our December gathering of gluttony, this stupid thing will find a new home soon. DON'T BUY

Oxi-Clean - I was all pumped about this stuff in college when I would get shithouse drunk, come home at 3 AM, and then watch Billy Mays do his thing while passing out. When it was time for us to move out and clean the place up, there was only one solution that would do the trick...Oxi-Clean. I bought the biggest tub of that stuff that I could find and went to work--certain that we would get our entire deposit back due to how clean we left the place. Unfortunately, Billy Mays died a huge liar because that shit did NOTHING. I'm pretty sure that it was half sand and the other half chalk. It just made things worse. DON'T BUY

ShamWow - We got a bunch of gift cards to Bed, Bath, and Beyond from getting married and this was the only product in the store that I truly wanted (besides a sweet cutlery set which is mandatory). We got home and I immediately dumped a glass of water on the floor to test it out. How disappointing it was to see it not absorb anything. But that weird guy said that this is made in Germany so you KNOW it's good. If anything, it was actually worse than a normal towel. Having been defeated, I figured that I could use them to was the car or something but they left little orange strands of cloth all over the body of the car. ShamWow SUCKS so hard. DON'T BUY

Ron Popeil's Pasta Maker and Rotisserie Oven - I have always felt like Ron Popeil and RonCo were the gold standard of the infomercial. I've never experienced the pasta maker but I am well versed in the art of "set it and forget it". What a product. My college buddy, The Assbag, brought the oven over to our place for the Super Bowl and made one of the finest pork loins I've ever had. It was so damn good. He brought over a deep fryer, too, and fried up anything he could find. When combined with the 15 High Lifes, it was a delicious night. BUY

So yeah, I pretty much only recommend the Magic Bullet and the Rotisserie Oven. The rest of that stuff appears to be garbage but I would love personal stories from the rest of you. There is no shame getting suckered into buying crap.

Jeans aren't skinny enough.

More like "Gun-py" but not "Gunt-py", amirite! There is no way that he didn't shoot himself. I bet he's like Harry Dunn at the end of Dumb and Dumber..."Harry, you're alive! And you're a terrible shot!" Take your shots at the resident broken hip today while I put the finishing touches on my mock draft for tomorrow Thursday.

37 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Red Wings won 4-0 last night if ya didn't know.

My girlfriend and I were at Whole Foods a few Weeks ago and there was a guy there making incredible things in a Vitamix (?) blender. In a span of twenty minutes I saw him make smoothies, ice cream, juice, peanut butter and delicious chicken tortilla soup. This blender was definitely the GOAT....but it cost like $450. I laughed at the price....then the next day I found out my GF had gone back and bought one. Dumb.....but it has made good food.

My mom wanted to buy my fiance and I one of those vitamix blenders from qvc when she said they were having a crazy sale on them. They were still around $250-$300 I think and I told her she way crazy for spending that kind of money on a blender.

I've bought oxi-clean. I actually thought it worked pretty well, granted the only thing I used it on was dirty shoes. I soaked them for awhile in it and then ran them in the washer using oxi-clean again. I was pleasantly surprised at how much dirt was removed.

G$....I like to walk around Whole Foods....and eat the freebies. Anyone that does their normal grocery shopping there is a moron and likes to set cash on fire. The new one on Lane is sweet tho....Ive eaten a couple meals from their taco stand inside.

Whole Foods has some select things that I can't find anywhere else, but that is the only time I shop there.

I have one of those single serve blenders where u just put whatever u want into the bottle, fasten it to the blender, blend, and then put a lid on it and take it with you. It is ELITE! Cleaning blenders blows balls. With this I don't have to.

My dad used to see the As Seen on TV shit and then go make it himself. He was/is quite the handyman. Occasionally he would make something, like a gutter cleaner that you hook up to your hose, and then a month later I saw the exact same shit on an Infomercial.

Oxi-clean works great. Your local Ace Hardware likely has it on its shelves. So it's obvs great.

The expandable hose thing that is out now is supposedly awesome. Reeling in a garden hose is the worst.

The Wax Vac is probably the single greatest infomercial created. "OW! " LULZ. A close second is for those fucking stupid ass HD wrap around sunglasses. Hey America! Do you want to look like a 90 year old vampire who just got retina surgery every time you leave the house?? Well look no further than these ridiculous glasses!! So hilarious.

I've tried several infomercial products in my day and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Hell...we just registered for that garden hose that coils itself back up when ur done using it. I'll have someone buy that for me for the outside chance that thing works the way the commercial shows. Because that's a tits idea. We have the sticky buddy. It works about as good as a regular lint roller which is "not as good as you expected it to." The only upside is its definitely re-usable. We also have this pasta strainer thing where the metal handles don't get hot if its directly in boiling water and it doesn't rust. It doesn't blow your balls off with excitement but it for sure does what it advertises. The RonCo food dehydrator was a massive piece if shit. The only thing it actually made was a mess and me angry. All I wanted was beef jerky and fruit roll ups, God dammit. Was that too much to ask? I really want the flex seal stuff so I can cut a hole in my boat and replace it with a porch door. God bless infomercials.

Grip 'N Go cell phone holder. Suction cup holds it to your windshield and an adjustable arm has an adhesive pad on the end to hold your cell phone. Works great if your phone isn't in a case; phone in the case is too heavy and it just falls off the first time you hit a bump. DO NOT BUY.

J Saul is 100% correct. We need to be making fun of all the shit dicks who are seriously considering playing in this game and the sad fuck who set it up. Never let go of the rivalry, gentlemen. NEVER! Lets see if we can get John F. Snoad to come write up some wing T plays in the dirt. Hopefully Mike Gerdemen plays. /fingers crossed.

J Saul- I got a text from RC telling me about this alumni game and I forgot to mention it yesterday. This is apparently open to anyone from age 18-58. I can't imagine many over 35 will be stupid enough to play football one last time, but it is against defiance so who knows.

I am very curious to find out who will play? G$, Iceman, will tom ward play for defiance?

G$- at the very least you need to attend and do some sort of post about this game. Geriatrics attempting to play full contact football will be good for a few laughs. The greatest rivalry in sports renewed 8/3/13!

I got mine for $20 at Big Lots, and it's definitely not a magic bullet. I could probably buy 3 of my things for the cost of 1 bullet. #Winning (I have no idea why I haven't been using hashtags in the comments now that I am a Twitter maven)

Dammit, this alumni game was going to be a future post. Thanks for ruining EVERYTHING.

*It is a dumb idea. As I said when that idiot from Napoleon died on the field, you're 30+ years old. Stop playing tackle football.

*I will not be playing because I never want to put on shoulder pads and a helmet again.

*The ONLY way I would play (and I have not been asked) is if I were the kicker. I'm not lining up in a 3 point stance for the rest of my life.

*It's total bullshit. How can you have a big alumni game like this and not ask me AKA The Greatest Man That Ever Lived to play first? 8 Ball dropped the 8 ball on that one.

*I won't even go. It's 8 days before Iceman's wedding and I need to rest up in order to properly ruin that event.

*JSaul, I went to the gym this morning and my pipes were looking swoll as fuck. My presence on the sideline alone would cause Defi to walk off the field in order to prevent multiple trips to the morgue.

Again, I'm OUT on this alumni game which will be nothing more than northwest Ohio's greatest shame.

I'm sure Radel will be all over this game. So he can flash his 4.4 forty speed he claims he has. I have an idea in my head of what Napoleon guys are a shoe in to be playing in this small dick competition.

I hope Tom Ward is there so he can murder someone on the field. And that Chinese kid noseguard...Tom Tang...or whatever the fuck his name was. Fuck it...I'll just call him Jackie Chan so we don't get confused.

It's going to be a bunch of Todd Bergstedt's out there. It will not be visually appealing. If I was there (and I won't be), I'd bring along a carton of spoiled produce to throw at these shitty athletes.

Just saw on the FB page that Jade plans on playing. Unless Sarah is fucking with people. I saw Jade last summer...he's got some work to do to get back into playing shape.

Black's comment about Z was major LOLZ. What graduating class has more representatives in this game, G$? '98 or '99? I'm saying '98 noses out '99 by 1...because our class has more people living in the past.

RC C8la also sent me a text message last night and FB invite to play in the alumni game and I did not even play football. Apparently this event is open to ANYONE who attended Napoleon High School from 1955 to the present...