And for 65 or so minutes these tactics worked, until a blatant push on Keyon Refell was spotted by the Kidderminster Referee's guide dog, Cromwell the English Setter, who pointed to the spot with his front paw to indicate a fowl in the box.

St Ives winger Seymour-Shove protested but with a name like that he couldn't really dispute the decision.

Spot-kick duty was allocated to the Holy Beard to add to his already impressive 150 goals in a Merthyr shirt.

Goalkeeper Trebes reacted slower than a homeless man on the synthetic drug 'spice' for the penalty -only diving in slow motion after the referee had placed the ball on the centre circle for kickoff.

It was a real pity to wake him from his St Ives Slepe.

The goal was a welcome reward for Merthyr, who had done more pressing in the first half than the entire staff of Dot Cotton's laundrette.

With nine outfield men behind the ball at all times ( The Latin Mass?) the St Ives defensive unit stuck together like skittles in the Hollywood Bowl only being threatened by the odd- gutter ball to Grand National winner Corey Jenkins.

And they took some punishment too for their troubles.

One instance on the edge of the penalty area saw their centre half take a mistimed kick from Ian Traylor that must have stung the Player.

It was a really hit of biblical proportions as the MOAB ( Mother of All Boots) made the ground shake as Traylor connected with the poor Away player's derrière.

It was a real 'Booty Call' for the All Saints.

Traylor looked hurt by his own challenge and both sets of Home Fans , the Park View Martyrs and the View of the Park Martyrs feared given the fact that he was still face down after three minutes that he would have to be dragged off the pitch United Airlines-style by Chubbsy.

Fortunately, he was revived by some smelling salts made out of some old Horeb Chapel football team socks from Alan, the current stadium announcer.

Despite being one-goal down, St Ives refused to leave their own half to chase the game, they seemed content with just keeping the scoreline down- which was a real pity, as they had some lovely touches, with their number 8 being the one to impress the most.

It was a shame really, as it ruined the spectacle for most fans , as for most of the match it like like waiting for a turtle to poke its head out of its shell at Bristol Zoo.

Given their current league position I couldn't understand why St Hives were not 'swarming' forward - as the Holy Bees have nothing to lose - so why not have a go ....as there is little difference between losing 2-0 and 8-0 .....at least then they could go home with their 'halos' intact rather than travelling home for four hours wondering what might have been.

The lack of ambition by the Away side was illustrated by our goalkeeper, Ollie Davies who asked me to help him with the crossword puzzle he had been trying to complete for seventy minutes mid-game.

'What's One-Down?' he asked.

'Six Letters'

'St Ives'.....I replied.

He then put his paper down and had a little nap.

With a packed penalty area, it was hard for Merthyr to break down the St Ives defence, although the excellent Scott Barrow did his best.

He ran at them creating dragging six or seven defenders with him creating space leaving St Ives with only 5 at the back.

The horror on the Centre Halves face was clear for all to see as the Swansea Brad Pitt made De'ath meet Joe Black.

It was only a matter of time before Merthyr got their second and not surprisingly it came from such source - as he 'scythed' his way through more relics than the Grim Reaper - only for the move to be finished by the Prossiah with aplomb.

The Holy Beard almost got his hat trick seconds later when he 'shaved' the post missing by a 'whisker'.

Once the second goal was slotted home, the tension of the Home crowd lifted and all ears turned to the Banbury/Hitchin game.

Even disillusioned fan, Tad Harsh was seen to smile realising that the missing wall would make his life easier for a celebratory pitch invasion next Saturday to celebrate reaching the play-offs.

It was also great to see a decent crowd with some new faces.

Back in the stand, after returning with my two pints during extremely happy hour, I spoke to a a tall Frenchman and ex-footballer who was now acting as a scout.

With his collar turned up, he asked me why two Brighton and Hove Albion pensioners from Aberdare were following Merthyr Town.

" I replied Mr Artois, ze seagulls follow the Traylor".

He just nodded and 'ooh and ah' ed at the audacious skill of our winger.

Strange times indeed.

So with the Men United with two games to go, Merthyr have climbed up to fourth above Slough who have really struggled since their keeper sadly broke his back in an on- field collision.

However, we too have suffered our fair share of injuries.

It was great to see the rugby-capped clad Kayne McLaggon get a run- out ( even if the French scout thought he was Peter Cech) although in all honesty I was hoping to see Josh Bull get a goal or two to celebrate his birthday today.

Two games left and with the maximum return of six points, we could secure a Home Play-Off tie which would be most welcome given our home form this season.

In the end, we hardly had to break 'Sudore' to gain the three points but let's hope the real Saints are with us on Monday at Redditch.