King’s College London Emails Students About Paid Cocaine Study

King’s College London is hosting a school sponsored cocaine study. According to an email sent out to the entire student population, KCL is going to give students cocaine and study the effects. Oh, and they’re paying these students for their time.

This is a sting right? An email offering a chance to get paid for doing blow just sounds like a trap set by the cops. Or, if not a trap, a very well done hoax email (like the one I got when I was 14 and Michael Jordan asked me for my social security number so I could get free VIP Wizards tickets).

Apparently the email was in fact legitimate, with KCL specifying a set of requirements for their potential lab rat cokeheads. Let’s break it down piece by piece:

Healthy male volunteers, 25 – 40 years of age, to take part in a clinical study involving nasal administration of cocaine. Medical and dental students will not be enrolled to this study.

You cockteases. You sent out an email offering a chance to get paid for doing blow to undergraduate students, knowing fully well that most of them are ineligible. That’s like me walking into a kindergarten classroom with a box of Oreos and telling them that only 5th graders can have cookies.

After cocaine administration, repeated biological samples (blood, urine, hair, sweat, oral fluid) will be taken to compare and investigate how cocaine and its metabolites are spread through the human body.

They don’t specify, but I’m wondering if the blood sample will be taken via needle or from the sure-to-follow-cocaine-induced nosebleeds.

Potential participants must be fit and well, have no past medical history and not be users of recreational drugs.

Now that’s just mean. You know that the students most excited about a paid, school-sponsored coke binge are going to already be fans of cocaine.

During the first visit we will check your suitability for the study. The second visit (main experiment) will be around thirty days later and will take most of the day. We would then like to see you 5 more times over a 90 day period so that some repeat biological samples can be taken.

Half a dozen times? That’s not a bad amount of free cocaine. The fact that the study restricts participants to only 6 servings of blow over 3 months is sort of inconsiderate. How many of the participants are going to get stabbed in an alleyway while looking for something to hold them over until the next study?

There is no direct benefit from taking part. Reasonable financial compensation will be made for your time, effort and expenses incurred from completing the study.

Aside from, you know, getting paid to do blow. What kind of selfish bastards go to KCL where they wouldn’t consider this opportunity reward enough?

Don’t be surprised when this whole thing ends with one of the subjects building a cocaine empire and ultimately has to shoot his way out of his drug mansion, Scarface-style, all with a British accent. If Guy Richie directs it, I’ll watch the fuck out of that movie. Actually, that may be the whole point of this study. If so, King’s College London, then money well spent.

And still waiting for someone to make a try hard comment about how the guy in the picture is using a $1. Clearly no one here would use anything less than a $100. Off their 2nd iPad they only use for blow. On their private jet.