road trip

papa & baby

For me, coming up on six years a widow, life is good. Mostly. At least part of every day is filled with beauty, love, grace, and laughter. I notice the good things with gratitude. My life holds people, experiences, and opportunities that would never have come my way if Jeff were still here. I would never willingly make that trade, but I did not get the choice: those new things are here; my husband is not.

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Soon my grown girl and I will take a happy road trip. We’re heading to Vermont to celebrate a new baby soon to come. Anna’s cousin, Jeff’s favorite nephew Chris and his bride Samantha are having a baby boy! Welcome, Max!

We love us a road trip! Last time we went to Vermont was to celebrate Chris and Sam’s wedding; now it’s to celebrate the fruit of that union. We love to visit our Vermont family. It may be the only place Jeff and I were ever truly relaxed, not thinking about what chore came next at work, home, or camp. I love his sister Karen as I love my own sisters. We have so many things in common; we’ve been friends for decades. And she was here with us the last hard week of Jeff’s life, helping me lift her big brother out of bed.

Jeff and I were good friends for many years before our friendship deepened into love. Long before we were a couple, I watched Jeff with Karen’s baby boy Christopher. Jeff was happily single, building a business, no girlfriend on the horizon. I was in my early twenties, with no designs on Jeff and no baby longings of my own. But I noticed how easily Jeff held baby Chris, how happily he spoke and played with him. I inherently knew that Jeff would be a wonderful father. I knew it would be his life’s most joyful work. At the time I never dreamed that we two would share that love, work, and joy.

There’s a raft of family, food, and fun awaiting us in Vermont. We’re going to the happiest celebration a family has. Chris and Sam will be awesome parents. Never has a baby been more happily anticipated, or born into a more loving circle. I can’t wait to see all the extended family. They are our only connections to Flanagan, and a whole lot of fun besides. Good times await! Karen is over the moon to be a grandma. She’s been crafting up a storm; I’m excited to see the bounty. Their house is so cozy: leather sofas to sprawl on, good coffee in the morning, splendid meals at night, gardens coming alive. Out the window is Camel’s Hump Mountain in all its ever-changing glory.

Spring is evident in the rural byways of our path. I love an expedition! With my daughter! I love my family – Jeff’s family – and I love Vermont.

And yet for several days now, I can’t stop crying. Tears keep falling out of me all day and night. I’m packing; tears leak out. I’m wrapping a sweet baby gift; brief sobbing overtakes me like a sudden summer storm. I’m reading our itinerary, cleaning out the car, packing a lunch. Missing my husband, crying. It’s unsettling to be so happy and so sad, all tied up together in a big crazy bundle. Of tears.

I’m not one of the grief-stricken people who asks Why Me? Why did this happen to our family? I know the answer is: why not me? I know sadness comes to every family. I know all this. I’ve worked hard to accept the unacceptable. I’ve got “it is what it is” tattooed on my chest, for God’s sake, to help me remember.