When I hear people talk about relationships, there is a lot of talk about compatibility, and how important it is to find the right person.

Compatibility does matter (to a degree), but I think it’s much less important than most believe.

In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that the quality of your relationship often has much less to do with your partner, and a lot more to do with you.

I see/read/hear men and women who are “unable to find the love they want”, and they complain, saying things like “all the men I meet are X” or “all the women I meet as Y” (insert stereotype of choice for X and Y).

Sometimes we run into so many similar problems that we start to lose faith in our gender of preference completely, and start to convince ourselves our experiences are representative of all members of that gender.

Here’s a potentially uncomfortable question for you:

If you have had a number of relationships, and they all turning out badly or you are struggling to even find a relationship, what’s the one common link?

You.

Now, don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here. I’m not saying that you are a terrible person, or you are unlovable or anything like that.

I simply think that anytime life isn’t working out quite the way we want it to, the WORST thing you can do is think of yourself as a victim.

How your life goes is not “just the way things are” and I don’t believe in “if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be”. Those ideas, and the idea that you “just need to find the right person” paint yourself as a passive participant in your own life.

Rather, I believe that life presents us with different opportunities, and it’s up to us to decide what to do with them. We can’t control how things will turn out, but we ALWAY control our own choices, and how we respond to the events that happen to us.

So if a relationship (or life in general) isn’t working out the way we want it to I think it’s important to take a look in the mirror, and try to understand the ways you might be contributing to things.

If people you meet aren’t treating you the way you want, ask yourself what are you attracted to? How are you presenting yourself (as the energy you give off influences what you are attracting)? If you are interested in a “certain type” and things work out the same way, maybe it’s time to expand your horizons and look at something different.

Are you respecting yourself and properly enforcing your boundaries? Do you even know what your own boundaries are? Unfortunately, many of us don’t really know what our boundaries are. We know when they have been violated because of how it makes us feel, but even then, we often don’t know how to enforce them.

Another big question you I think people need to ask is, what are you bringing IN to the relationship?

Yourself obviously, but what does that actually mean?

As people, we are the sum of our experiences – both good and bad. The experiences shape us, and shape our expectations of what we are looking for, and how people will treat us.

One of the things we bring with us into relationships that can often be damaging is our coping skills.

What are your coping skills? How do you deal with conflict, or respond when things get hard? How do you fight? Do you shut down and pretend things are alright? Do you get angry? Petty? Passive aggressive?

Lastly, what baggage/insecurities do you bring into your relationship? We all damaged in some way, and that’s okay. We all have our own baggage, and although that baggage can seem like it’s part of who we are, it’s up to us to deal with it.

Part of dealing with it involves allowing our partners understand our baggage, so we need to be willing to let them in enough to understand it. We need to be willing to tell them how we have been hurt in the past, what are triggers are, and why we feel the way we do about things. This can be difficult, because these are often some of our most personal and sensitive memories/experiences. However by opening up and communicating these things to our partners we are allowing them to understand us. When someone can understand why we feel the way we do about things, it allows them to approach those triggers with empathy and care.

If we are not careful, our personal issues and insecurities can easily start to poison our relationships, so an important question is what are you doing about them?

If you take the approach “this is just how I am”, you are expecting the other person to accommodate you, and that’s not fair. And they should be understanding/empathic, and try to accommodate you to a degree. At the same time though, you need to work on your own issues (own your own sh*t as some would say).

I believe taking a hard looking in the mirror, and trying to understand what you bring in to a relationship is very important to the health of any relationship; as it allows you to understand how you contribute in both positive and negative ways.

Understanding your own role in something gives you a degree of power. Because you can’t change other people, at best you can influence them. However you are always capable of recognizing parts of yourself you may not like, and working to improve them.

Saying “this is just the way I am” is just as much of a cop out as “I just need to find the right person”.

It’s more accurate to say “this is just the way I am – right now”. But it doesn’t have to be the way you are tomorrow.

I opened with the idea that the quality of your relationship often has much less to do with your partner, and a lot more to do with you.

What you are interested in, the energy you give off, how you enforce your boundaries, how you cope, and how you deal with your own baggage. These are all things that influence the success of your relationships, and they all come from you. And you are the only person who can change these things.

So instead of “I just need to find the right person” maybe a big part of thing is “I just need to BE the right person”. I’m not suggesting you should ever change for someone else. But you are never a victim, and you can always strive to be the best version of you.

Most of us don’t learn how to deal with conflict. In fact, we’re taught that conflict is bad and something to be avoided. Because conflict means there are problems, and problems aren’t good, right?

So most of us spend our whole lives avoiding conflict even when that means the problems we have in our relationships go unresolved (including the ones that could often easily be resolved if we would just face them).

Thing is, conflict isn’t actually bad it’s simply the collision of two differing viewpoints. Often neither of those viewpoints is right or wrong – they are just different approaches to things. And taking the time to understand and accept each other’s viewpoints is a part of learning to love and accept each other for who we are (instead of focusing on who we aren’t).

Sadly, we don’t learn that – no one teaches it to us. And if/when we DO learn it it’s often through trial and error, and only after a considerable amount of pain and heartache.

Another thing we commonly don’t learn about is how to say no.

Giving and Taking

In my last post I talked a bit about the end of my marriage, and how one of the most important things I learned about was the importance of boundaries.

Boundaries are a difficult concept. What exactly are they, and how do we learn them?

Unfortunately, similar to how I came to the realization that conflict was positive and healthy (when done right), learning about boundaries often involves a lot of pain and heartache too.

Growing up, my one rule on relationships was the golden rule.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

I think I learned it somewhere around grade two, and it became the foundation of all relationships.

I like it when people are kind to me, so it made sense that I needed to try and be kind to them. Being kind or nice is a good thing. Being giving to other people is a good thing. So it seemed clear that that was the right way to live your life.

But there was one problem here.

When you are willing to give, you will ALWAYS find people who are willing to take.

Being nice and kind is good, but unfortunately it opens you up to being taken advantage of. And commonly we aren’t taught how to deal with being taken advantage of.

We aren’t taught how to say no.

Learning To Say No

As children all we understand is our needs. We want something, and we either get it or we don’t. Hopefully we learn that we won’t always get what we want, and that’s alright.

I’m a parent, and trying to teach that can be a challenge. There are times that my kids have tantrums (which are really just a form of trying to get control), and those tantrums can be emotionally draining. Sometimes during those moments it can be tempting to just give in and give my child what he wants. When we do that, part of us knows we are showing them that tantrums work. That if they make a big enough fuss they will get what they want. But we know that with children we NEED to say no to them because that’s how they learn.

We set down rules and we expect our children to follow them. After all, we are the parent and they are the child, and we know those rules will benefit them in the long run, and in fact are important to their development.

For some reason we don’t do this in adult relationships (both friendships and romantic relationships). In adult relationships, people are adults and we expect them to behave as such. So we don’t create rules, because we don’t think we should have to. And further, we probably don’t even know what the rules should be.

We don’t know what our own boundaries are.

We only start to learn them when they are violated.

We only start to understand our boundaries when someone says or does something that hurts us. When we feel belittled, or disrespected, or even just ignored. When we don’t feel valued, or heard.

These are the moments that we start to learn what our boundaries are.

These are the moments when we need to start to push back and say no, or say hey, you’re hurting me here.

But often we don’t.

For many years I didn’t know what my own boundaries were. I didn’t learn to say no. And I suspect I’m not alone in this.

I was taught to give, and to treat others well (how well I succeed in that is a fair question). Because of this when I was hurt by someone I loved I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to deal with it.

I saw conflict as bad, so I would just accept certain things. Or I would make excuses for them. Things like “oh, he/she did this – but they were having a bad day so it’s alright”. I would let things go, rather than having them turn into a fight. Because it wasn’t worth a fight, right? And when you loved someone, did the little things really matter?

That’s what I believed, but I was wrong.

In allowing certain things, I was saying these things were alright. In trying to be kind, I was enabling poor behavior.

And I wasn’t respecting myself.

Boundaries are hard; and when you haven’t being enforcing them and you start to, people can accuse you of being selfish. That accusation can sting, because at first it DOES feel selfish. When you’ve spent a long time focusing more on the needs of others, trying to understand and enforce your own boundaries them and enforce them doesn’t feel right.

Saying “No” to someone isn’t easy. Saying “hey, when you did this you hurt me” isn’t easy.

But sometimes, it’s necessary.

It’s important to remember that standing up for you isn’t selfish. I think this sums it up well:

To me it’s about balance. If you always put yourself first, then yeah, you are probably selfish.

If you are in a relationship the other person HAS to be important. Their needs have to be important to you. It can’t ever be just about one person, both people always need to matter.

Discovering You

Understanding your own boundaries is about learning what your core values are.

What TRULY matters to you? What are your NEEDS, and not just your wants (at first the line between this things can seem very blurry)? How do you need other people to treat you and interact with you? What do you need to feel valued, and respected?

Once you understand this, how do you go about enforcing them and ensuring they are being respected?

I think understanding this is a long process, and is part of our own personal journey. It’s part of defining who exactly we are as a person, and I don’t think we learn this easily.

Further, I think not understanding it or enforcing it is a large part of why many people find themselves in unhealthy relationships.

Often marriages or long term relationships start in our twenties, before we really know who we are yet. We don’t know our boundaries, and we don’t know how to enforce them.

If we are lucky, we have sufficient communication skills that we are able to grow together as a couple. Learning who we are, establishing and communicating boundaries and, and continuing to accept and still love each other as we grow.

Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.

In learning yourself and your boundaries you may find that your partner doesn’t respect them, and isn’t interested in doing so.

When this happens you face a difficult decision.

Because sometimes, as difficult as it may be the only way to respect yourself is to accept that the relationship you are in no longer works.

Relationships require reciprocity. And if someone is unable to respect your boundaries, then they don’t respect you. At that point you need to ask, does that person really want to share their life with you or are they primarily interested in having someone take care of them and meet their needs?