The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, Vol. 2 by Charles James Lever

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"Going on to-night, sir?" said he, addressing me; "severe weather, and nochance of its clearing, but of course you're inside."

"Why, there is very little doubt of that," said I. "Are you nearly fullinside?"

"Only one, sir; but he seems a real queer chap; made fifty inquiries atthe office if he could not have the whole inside to himself, and when heheard that one place had been taken--your's, I believe, sir--he seemedlike a scalded bear."

"You don't know his name then?"

"No, sir, he never gave a name at the office, and his only luggage is twobrown paper parcels, without any ticket, and he has them inside; indeedhe never lets them from him even for a second."

Here the guard's horn, announcing all ready, interrupted our colloquy,and prevented my learning any thing further of my fellow-traveller, whom,however, I at once set down in my own mind for some confounded old churlthat made himself comfortable every where, without ever thinking of anyone else's convenience.

As I passed from the inn door to the coach, I once more congratulatedmyself that I was about to be housed from the terrific storm of wind andrain that railed about.

"Here's the step, sir," said the guard, "get in, sir, two minutes latealready."

"I beg your pardon, sir," said I, as I half fell over the legs of myunseen companion. "May I request leave to pass you?" While he made wayfor me for this purpose, I perceived that he stooped down towards theguard, and said something, who from his answer had evidently beenquestioned as to who I was. "And how did he get here, if he took hisplace in Dublin?" asked the unknown.

"Came half an hour since, sir, in a chaise and four," said the guard, ashe banged the door behind him, and closed the interview.

Whatever might have been the reasons for my fellow-traveller's anxietyabout my name and occupation, I knew not, yet could not help feelinggratified at thinking that as I had not given my name at the coachoffice, I was a great a puzzle to him as he to me.

"That's the reason I always go armed," said the unknown, clinking at thesame moment something like the barrel of a pistol.

Wondering somewhat at his readiness to mistake my meaning, I feltdisposed to drop any further effort to draw him out, and was about toaddress myself to sleep, as comfortably as I could.

"I'll jist trouble ye to lean aff that little parcel there, sir," saidhe, as he displaced from its position beneath my elbow, one of the paperpackages the guard had already alluded to.

In complying with this rather gruff demand, one of my pocket pistols,which I carried in my breast pocket, fell out upon his knee, upon whichhe immediately started, and asked hurriedly--"and are you armed too?"

"Be gorra, I was just thinking that same," said the traveller, with ahalf sigh to himself.

Why he should or should not have thought so, I never troubled myself tocanvass, and was once more settling myself in my corner, when I wasstartled by a very melancholy groan, which seemed to come from the bottomof my companion's heart.

"Are you ill, sir?" said I, in a voice of some anxiety.

"You might say that," replied he--"if you knew who you were talking to--although maybe you've heard enough of me, though you never saw me tillnow."

"Without having that pleasure even yet," said I, "it would grieve me tothink you should be ill in the coach."

"May be it might," briefly replied the unknown, with a species of meaningin his words I could not then understand. "Did ye never hear tell ofBarney Doyle?" said he.

"Not to my recollection."

"Then I'm Barney," said he; "that's in all the newspapers in themetropolis; I'm seventeen weeks in Jervis-street hospital, and four inthe Lunatic, and the devil a better after all; you must be a stranger,I'm thinking, or you'd know me now."

"Why I do confess, I've only been a few hours in Ireland for the last sixmonths."

"Ay, that's the reason; I knew you would not be fond of travelling withme, if you knew who it was."

"Why, really," said I, beginning at the moment to fathom some of thehints of my companion, "I did not anticipate the pleasure of meetingyou."

"Ay," said he with a kind of fiendish animation, "in one chop; I wishyou'd see how I scattered the consultation; begad they didn't wait toax for a fee."

Upon my soul, a very pleasant vicinity, though I. "And, may I ask sir,"said I, in a very mild and soothing tone of voice, "may I ask the reasonfor this singular propensity of yours?"

"There it is now, my dear," said he, laying his hand upon my kneefamiliarly, "that's just the very thing they can't make out; Colles says,it's all the ceribellum, ye see, that's inflamed and combusted, and someof the others think it's the spine; and more, the muscles; but my realimpression is, the devil a bit they know about it at all."

"And have they no name for the malady?" said I.

"Oh sure enough they have a name for it."

"And, may I ask--"

"Why, I think you'd better not, because ye see, maybe I might bethroublesome to ye in the night, though I'll not, if I can help it; andit might be uncomfortable to you to be here if I was to get one of thefits."

"One of the fits! Why it's not possible, sir," said I, "you would travelin a public conveyance in the state you mention; your friends surelywould not permit it?"

"Why, if they knew, perhaps," slily responded the interesting invalid,"if they knew they might not exactly like it, but ye see, I escaped onlylast night, and there'll be a fine hub-bub in the morning, when they findI'm off; though I'm thinking Rooney's barking away by this time."

"Rooney barking, why, what does that mean?"

"They always bark for a day or two after they're bit, if the infectioncomes first from the dog."

"You are surely not speaking of hydrophobia," said I, my hair actuallybristling with horror and consternation.

"Ayn't I?" replied he; "may be you've guessed it though."

"And have you the malady on you at present?" said I, trembling for theanswer.

"This is the ninth day since I took to biting," said he gravely,perfectly unconscious as it appeared of the terror such information wascalculated to convey.

"Any with such a propensity, sir, do you think yourself warranted intravelling in a public coach, exposing others--"

"Ah," said he, with a sigh, "I've been longing to see the fox houndsthrow off, near Kilkenny; these three weeks I've been thinking of nothingelse; but I'm not sure how my nerves will stand the cry; I might bethroublesome."

"I hope, sir, there's no river, or watercourse on this road--any thingelse, I can, I hope, control myself against; but water--running waterparticularly--makes me throublesome."

Well knowing what he meant by the latter phrase, I felt the coldperspiration settling on my forehead, as I remembered that we must bewithin about ten or twelve miles of Leighlin-bridge, where we should haveto pass a very wide river. I strictly concealed this fact from him,however, and gave him to understand that there was not a well, brook, orrivulet, for forty miles on either side of us. He now sunk into a kindof moody silence, broken occasionally by a low muttering noise, as ifspeaking to himself--what this might portend, I knew not--but thought itbetter, under all circumstances, not to disturb him. How comfortable mypresent condition was, I need scarcely remark--sitting vis a vis to alunatic, with a pair of pistols in his possession--who had already avowedhis consciousness of his tendency to do mischief, and his inability tomaster it; all this in the dark, and in the narrow limits of amail-coach, where there was scarcely room for defence, and nopossibility of escape--how heartily I wished myself back in theCoffee-room at Morrisson's, with my poor friend Tom--the infernalchaise, that I cursed a hundred times, would have been an "exchange,"better than into the Life Guards--ay, even the outside of the coach, ifI could only reach it, would, under present circumstances, be a gloriousalternative to my existing misfortune. What were rain and storm,thunder and lightning, compared with the chances that awaited me here?--wet through I should inevitably be, but then I had not yet contractedthe horror of moisture my friend opposite laboured under. "Ha! what isthat? is it possible he can be asleep; is it really a snore?--Heavengrant that little snort be not what the medical people call apremonitory symptom--if so, he'll be in upon me now in no time. Ah,there it is again; he must be asleep surely; now then is my time ornever." With these words, muttered to myself, and a heart throbbingalmost audibly at the risk of his awakening, I slowly let down thewindow of the coach, and stretching forth my hand, turned the handlecautiously and slowly; I next disengaged my legs, and by a longcontinuous effort of creeping--which I had learned perfectly once, whenpractising to go as a boa constrictor to a fancy ball--I withdrew myselffrom the seat and reached the step, when I muttered something very likea thanksgiving to Providence for my rescue. With little difficulty I nowclimbed up beside the guard, whose astonishment at my appearance wasindeed considerable--that any man should prefer the out, to the insideof a coach, in such a night, was rather remarkable; but that the personso doing should be totally unprovided with a box-coat, or other similarprotection, argued something so strange, that I doubt not, if he were todecide upon the applicability of the statute of lunacy to a traveller inthe mail, the palm would certainly have been awarded to me, and not tomy late companion. Well, on we rolled, and heavily as the rain poureddown, so relieved did I feel at my change of position, that I soon fellfast asleep, and never awoke till the coach was driving up Patrickstreet. Whatever solace to my feelings reaching the outside of the coachmight have been attended with at night, the pleasure I experienced onawaking, was really not unalloyed. More dead than alive, I sat a massof wet clothes, like nothing under heaven except it be that morsel ofblack and spongy wet cotton at the bottom of a schoolboy's ink bottle,saturated with rain, and the black dye of my coat. My hat too hadcontributed its share of colouring matter, and several long blackstreaks coursed down my "wrinkled front," giving me very much the air ofan Indian warrior, who had got the first priming of his war paint. Icertainly must have been rueful object, were I only to judge from thefaces of the waiters as they gazed on me when the coach drew up at Riceand Walsh's hotel. Cold, wet, and weary as I was, my curiosity to learnmore of my late agreeable companion was strong as ever within me--perhaps stronger, from the sacrifices his acquaintance had exactedfrom me. Before, however, I had disengaged myself from the pile oftrunks and carpet bags I had surrounded myself with--he had got out ofthe coach, and all I could catch a glimpse of was the back of a littleshort man in a kind of grey upper coat, and long galligaskins on hislegs. He carried his two bundles under his arm, and stepped nimbly upthe steps of the hotel, without turning his head to either side.

"Don't fancy you shall escape me now, my good friend," I cried out, as Isprung from the roof to the ground, with one jump, and hurried after thegreat unknown into the coffee-room. By the time I reached it he hadapproached the fire, on the table near which, having deposited themysterious paper parcels, he was now busily engaged in divesting himselfof his great coat; his face was still turned from me, so that I had timeto appear employed in divesting myself of my wet drapery before heperceived me; at last the coat was unbuttoned, the gaiters followed, andthrowing them carelessly on a chair, he tucked up the skirts of his coat;and spreading himself comfortably a l'Anglais, before the fire, displayedto my wondering and stupified gaze, the pleasant features of DoctorFinucane.

"Why, Doctor--Doctor Finucane," cried I, "is this possible? were youreally the inside in the mail last night."

"Devil a doubt of it, Mr. Lorrequer; and may I make bould to ask,--wereyou the outside?"

"Then what, may I beg to know, did you mean by your damned story aboutBarney Doyle, and the hydrophobia, and Cusack Rooney's thumb--eh?"

"Oh, by the Lord," said Finucane, "this will be the death of me; and itwas you that I drove outside in all the rain last night! Oh, it willkill Father Malachi outright with laughing, when I tell him;" and heburst out into a fit of merriment that nearly induced me to break hishead with the poker.

"Am I to understand, then, Mr. Finucane, that this practical joke of yourwas contrived for my benefit, and for the purpose of holding me up to theridicule of your confounded acquaintances."

"Nothing of the kind, upon my conscience," said Fin, drying his eyes,and endeavouring to look sorry and sentimental. "If I had only the leastsuspicion in life that it was you, upon my oath I'd not have had thehydrophobia at all, and, to tell you the truth, you were not the onlyone frightened--you alarmed me devilishly too."

"I alarmed you! Why, how can that be?"

"Why, the real affair is this: I was bringing these two packages of notesdown to my cousin Callaghan's bank in Cork--fifteen thousand pounds--devil a less; and when you came into the coach at Naas, after drivingthere with your four horses, I thought it was all up with me. The guardjust whispered in my ear, that he saw you look at the priming of yourpistols before getting in; and faith I said four paters, and a hail Mary,before you'd count five. Well, when you got seated, the thought cameinto my mind that maybe, highwayman as you were, you would not like dyinga natural death, more particularly if you were an Irishman; and so Itrumped up that long story about the hydrophobia, and the gentleman'sthumb, and devil knows what besides; and, while I was telling it, thecold perspiration was running down my head and face, for every time youstirred, I said to myself, now he'll do it. Two or three times, do youknow, I was going to offer you ten shillings in the pound, and spare mylife; and once, God forgive me, I thought it would not be a bad plan toshoot you by 'mistake,' do you perceave?"

"Why, upon my soul, I'm very much obliged to you for your excessivelykind intentions; but really I feel you have done quite enough for me onthe present occasion. But, come now, doctor, I must get to bed, andbefore I go, promise me two things--to dine with us to-day at the mess,and not to mention a syllable of what occurred last night--it tells,believe me, very badly for both; so, keep the secret, for if theseconfounded fellows of ours ever get hold of it, I may sell out,or quit the army; I'll never hear the end of it!"

Muttering some very dubious blessings upon the learned Fin, I left theroom, infinitely more chagrined and chop-fallen at the discovery I hadmade, than at all the misery and exposure the trick had consigned me to;"however," thought I, "if the doctor keep his word, it all goes well; thewhole affair is between us both solely; but, should it not be so, I mayshoot half the mess before the other half would give up quizzing me."Revolving such pleasant thought, I betook myself to bed, and what withmulled port, and a blazing fire, became once more conscious of being awarm-blooded animal, and feel sound asleep, to dream of doctors, straitwaistcoats, shaved heads, and all the pleasing associations my latecompanion's narrative so readily suggested.

CHAPTER XV.

MEMS. OF THE NORTH CORK.

At six o'clock I had the pleasure of presenting the worthy DoctorFinucane to our mess, taking at the same time an opportunity, unobservedby him, to inform three or four of my brother officers that my friend wasreally a character, abounding in native drollery, and richer in goodstories than even the generality of his countrymen.

Nothing could possibly go on better than the early part of the evening.Fin, true to his promise, never once alluded to what I could plainlyperceive was ever uppermost in his mind, and what with his fund ofhumour, quaintness of expression, and quickness at reply, garnishedthroughout by his most mellifluous brogue, the true "Bocca Corkana," keptus from one roar of laughter to another. It was just at the moment inwhich his spirits seemed at their highest, that I had the misfortune tocall upon him for a story, which his cousin Father Malachi had alluded toon the ever-memorable evening at his house, and which I had a greatdesire to hear from Fin's own lips. He seemed disposed to escape tellingit, and upon my continuing to press my request, drily remarked,

"You forget, surely, my dear Mr. Lorrequer, the weak condition I'm in;and these gentlemen here, they don't know what a severe illness I've beenlabouring under lately, or they would not pass the decanter so freelydown this quarter."

I had barely time to throw a mingled look of entreaty and menace acrossthe table, when half-a-dozen others, rightly judging from the Doctor'stone and serio-comic expression, that his malady had many more symptomsof fun than suffering about it, called out together--

"Oh, Doctor, by all means, tell us the nature of your late attack--prayrelate it."

"Oh, as for me," I cried, "Dr. Finucane has my full permission to detailwhatever he pleases to think a fit subject for your amusement."

"Come then, Doctor, Harry has no objection you see; so out with it, andwe are all prepared to sympathise with your woes and misfortunes,whatever they be."

"Well, I am sure, I never could think of mentioning it without his leave;but now that he sees no objection--Eh, do you though? if so, then, don'tbe winking and making faces at me; but say the word, and devil a syllableof it I'll tell to man or mortal."

The latter part of this delectable speech was addressed to me across thetable, in a species of stage whisper, in reply to some telegraphicsignals I had been throwing him, to induce him to turn the conversationinto any other channel.

"Then, that's enough," continued he sotto voce--"I see you'd rather I'dnot tell it."

"Tell it and be d____d," said I, wearied by the incorrigible pertinacitywith which the villain assailed me. My most unexpected energy threw thewhole table into a roar, at the conclusion of which Fin began hisnarrative of the mail-coach adventure.

I need not tell my reader, who has followed me throughout in these myConfessions, that such a story lost nothing of its absurdity, whenentrusted to the Doctor's powers of narration; he dwelt with a poet'sfeeling upon the description of his own sufferings, and my sincerecondolence and commiseration; he touched with the utmost delicacy uponthe distant hints by which he broke the news to me; but when he came todescribe my open and undisguised terror, and my secret and precipitateretreat to the roof of the coach, there was not a man at table that wasnot convulsed with laughter---and, shall I acknowledge it, even I myselfwas unable to withstand the effect, and joined in the general chorusagainst myself.

"Well," said the remorseless wretch, as he finished his story, "if yehaven't the hard hearts to laugh at such a melancholy subject. Maybe,however, you're not so cruel after all--here's a toast for you, 'a speedyrecovery to Cusack Rooney.'" This was drank amid renewed peals, with allthe honors; and I had abundant time before the uproar was over, to wishevery man of them hanged. It was to no purpose that I endeavoured toturn the tables, by describing Fin's terror at my supposed resemblance toa highwayman---his story had the precedence, and I met nothing during myrecital but sly allusions to mad dogs, muzzles, and doctors; andcontemptible puns were let off on every side at my expense.

"It's little shame I take to myself for the mistake, any how," said Fin,"for putting the darkness of the night out of question, I'm not so sure Iwould not have ugly suspicions of you by daylight."

"True for you, Mr. Lorrequer," said he, good-humouredly; "and now that Ihave told them your story, I don't care if they hear mine, though maybesome of ye have heard it already--it's pretty well known in the NorthCork."

We all gave our disclaimers on this point, and having ordered in a freshcooper of port, disposed ourselves in our most easy attitudes, while theDoctor proceeded as follows:--

"It was in the hard winter of the year __99, that we were quartered inMaynooth, as many said, for our sins--for a more stupid place, the Lordbe merciful to it, never were men condemned to. The people at thecollege were much better off than us--they had whatever was to be got inthe country, and never were disturbed by mounting guard, or nightpatrols. Many of the professors were good fellows, that liked grog fullyas well as Greek, and understood short whist, and five and ten quite asintimately as they knew the Vulgate, or the confessions of St. Augustine--they made no ostentacious display of their pious zeal, but wheneverthey were not fasting, or praying, or something of that kind, they werealways pleasant and agreeable; and to do them justice, never refused,by any chance, an invitation to dinner--no matter at what inconvenience.Well, even this little solace in our affliction we soon lost, by anunfortunate mistake of that Orange rogue of the world, Major Jones,that gave a wrong pass one night--Mr. Lorrequer knows the story, (here healluded to an adventure detailed in an early chapter of my Confessions)--and from that day forward we never saw the pleasant faces of the AbbeD'Array, or the Professor of the Humanities, at the mess. Well, the onlything I could do, was just to take an opportunity to drop in at theCollege in the evening, where we had a quiet rubber of whist, and alittle social and intellectual conversation, with maybe an oyster and aglass of punch, just to season the thing, before we separated; all donediscreetly and quietly--no shouting nor even singing, for the 'superior'had a prejudice about profane songs. Well, one of those nights it was,about the first week in February, I was detained by stress of weatherfrom 11 o'clock, when we usually bade good-night, to past twelve, andthen to one o'clock, waiting for a dry moment to get home to thebarracks--a good mile and a half off. Every time old Father Mahony wentto look at the weather, he came back saying, 'It's worse it's getting;such a night of rain, glory be to God, never was seen.' So there was nogood in going out to be drenched to the skin, and I sat quietly waiting,taking, between times, a little punch, just not to seem impatient, nordistress their rev'rances. At last it struck two, and I thought--'well,the decanter is empty now, and I think, if I mean to walk, I've takenenough for the present;' so, wishing them all manner of happiness, andpleasant dreams, I stumbled by way down stairs, and set out on myjourney. I was always in the habit of taking a short cut on my way home,across the 'gurt na brocha,' the priest's meadows, as they call them, itsaved nearly half a mile, although, on the present occasion, it exposedone wofully to the rain, for there was nothing to shelter against theentire way, not even a tree. Well, out I set in a half trot, for I staidso late I was pressed for time; besides, I felt it easier to run thanwalk; I'm sure I can't tell why; maybe the drop of drink I took gotinto my head. Well, I was just jogging on across the common; the rainbeating hard in my face, and my clothes pasted to me with the wet;notwithstanding, I was singing to myself a verse of an old song, tolighten the road, when I heard suddenly a noise near me, like a mansneezing. I stopped and listened,--in fact, it was impossible to seeyour hand, the night was so dark--but I could hear nothing; the thoughtthen came over me, maybe it's something 'not good,' for there were veryugly stories going about what the priests used to do formerly in thesemeadows; and bones were often found in different parts of them. Just asI was thinking this, another voice came nearer than the last; it might beonly a sneeze, after all; but in real earnest it was mighty like a groan.'The Lord be about us,' I said to myself, 'what's this?--have ye thepass?' I cried out, 'have ye the pass? or what brings ye walking here,in nomine patri?' for I was so confused whether it was a 'sperit' or not,I was going to address him in Latin--there's nothing equal to the deadlanguages to lay a ghost, every body knows. Faith the moment I saidthese words he gave another groan, deeper and more melancholy like thanbefore. 'If it's uneasy ye are,' says I, 'for any neglect of yourfriends,' for I thought he might be in purgatory longer than he thoughtconvenient, 'tell me what you wish, and go home peaceably out of therain, for this weather can do no good to living or dead; go home,' saidI, 'and, if it's masses ye'd like, I'll give you a day's pay myself,rather than you should fret yourself this way.' The words were not wellout of my mouth, when he came so near me that the sigh he gave went rightthrough both my ears; 'the Lord be merciful to me,' said I, trembling.'Amen,' says he, 'whether you're joking or not.' The moment he said thatmy mind was relieved, for I knew it was not a sperit, and I began tolaugh heartily at my mistake; 'and who are ye at all?' said I, 'that'sroving about, at this hour of the night, ye can't be Father Luke, for Ileft him asleep on the carpet before I quitted the college, and faith, myfriend, if you hadn't the taste for divarsion ye would not be out now?'He coughed then so hard that I could not make out well what he said, butjust perceived that he had lost his way on the common, and was a littledisguised in liquor. 'It's a good man's case,' said I, 'to take a littletoo much, though it's what I don't ever do myself; so, take a hold of myhand, and I'll see you safe.' I stretched out my hand, and got him, notby the arm, as I hoped, but by the hair of the head, for he was alldripping with wet, and had lost his hat. 'Well, you'll not be better ofthis night's excursion,' thought I, 'if ye are liable to the rheumatism;and, now, whereabouts do you live, my friend, for I'll see you safe,before I leave you?' What he said then I never could clearly make out,for the wind and rain were both beating so hard against my face that Icould not hear a word; however, I was able just to perceive that he wasvery much disguised in drink, and spoke rather thick. 'Well, nevermind,' said I, 'it's not a time of day for much conversation; so, comealong, and I'll see you safe in the guard-house, if you can't rememberyour own place of abode in the meanwhile.' It was just at the moment Isaid this that I first discovered he was not a gentleman. Well, now,you'd never guess how I did it; and, faith I always thought it a verycute thing of me, and both of us in the dark."

"Well, I really confess it must have been a very difficult thing, underthe circumstances; pray how did you contrive?" said the major.

"Just guess how."

"By the tone of his voice perhaps, and his accent," said Curzon.

"Devil a bit, for he spoke remarkably well, considering how far gone hewas in liquor."

"Well, probably by the touch of his hand; no bad test."

"No; you're wrong again, for it was by the hair I had a hold of him forfear of falling, for he was always stooping down. Well, you'd neverguess it; it was just by the touch of his foot."

"His foot! Why how did that give you any information?"

"There it is now; that's just what only an Irishman would ever have madeany thing out of; for while he was stumbling about, he happened to treadupon my toes, and never, since I was born, did I feel any thing like theweight of him. 'Well,' said I, 'the loss of your hat may give you acold, my friend; but upon my conscience you are in no danger of wet feetwith such a pair of strong brogues as you have on you.' Well, he laughedat that till I thought he'd split his sides, and, in good truth, I couldnot help joining in the fun, although my foot was smarting like mad, andso we jogged along through the rain, enjoying the joke just as if we weresitting by a good fire, with a jorum of punch between us. I am sure Ican't tell you how often we fell that night, but my clothes the nextmorning were absolutely covered with mud, and my hat crushed in two; forhe was so confoundedly drunk it was impossible to keep him up, and healways kept boring along with his head down, so that my heart was almostbroke in keeping him upon his legs. I'm sure I never had a morefatiguing march in the whole Peninsula, than that blessed mile and ahalf; but every misfortune has an end at last, and it was four o'clock,striking by the college clock, as we reached the barracks. Afterknocking a couple of times, and giving the countersign, the sentry openedthe small wicket, and my heart actually leaped with joy that I had donewith my friend; so, I just called out the sergeant of the guard, andsaid, 'will you put that poor fellow on the guard-bed till morning, for Ifound him on the common, and he could neither find his way home nor tellme where he lived.' 'And where is he?' said the sergeant. 'He's outsidethe gate there,' said I, 'wet to the skin, and shaking as if he had theague.' 'And is this him?' said the sergeant as we went outside. 'Itis,' said I, 'maybe you know him?' 'Maybe I've a guess,' said he,bursting into a fit of laughing, that I thought he'd choke with. 'Well,sergeant,' said I, 'I always took you for a humane man; but, if that'sthe way you treat a fellow-creature in distress.' 'A fellow-creature,'said he, laughing louder than before. 'Ay, a fellow-creature,' said I--for the sergeant was an orangeman--'and if he differs from you inmatters of religion, sure he's your fellow-creature still.' 'Troth,Doctor, I think there's another trifling difference betune us,' said he.'Damn your politics,' said I; 'never let them interfere with truehumanity.' Wasn't I right, Major? 'Take good care of him, and there's ahalf-a-crown for ye.' So saying these words, I steered along by thebarrack wall, and, after a little groping about, got up stairs to myquarters, when, thanks to a naturally good constitution, and regularhabits of life, I soon fell fast asleep."

When the Doctor had said thus much, he pushed his chair slightly from thetable, and, taking off his wine, looked about him with the composure of aman who has brought his tale to a termination.

"Well, but Doctor," said the Major, "you are surely not done. You havenot yet told us who your interesting friend turned out to be."

"That's the very thing, then, I'm not able to do."

"But, of course," said another, "your story does not end there."

"And where the devil would you have it end?" replied he. "Didn't I bringmy hero home, and go asleep afterwards myself, and then, with virtuerewarded, how could I finish it better?"

"Oh, of course; but still you have not accounted for a principalcharacter in the narrative," said I.

"Exactly so," said Curzon. "We were all expecting some splendidcatastrophe in the morning; that your companion turned out to be the Dukeof Leinster, at least--or perhaps a rebel general, with an immense priceupon his head."

"Neither the one nor the other," said Fin, drily.

"And do you mean to say there never was any clue to the discovery ofhim?"

"The entire affair is wrapt in mystery to this hour," said he. "Therewas a joke about it, to be sure, among the officers; but the North Corknever wanted something to laugh at."

"And what was the joke?" said several voices together.

"Just a complaint from old Mickey Oulahan, the postmaster, to theColonel, in the morning, that some of the officers took away his blindmare off the common, and that the letters were late in consequence."

"And so, Doctor," called out seven or eight, "your friend turned out tobe--"

"Upon my conscience they said so, and that rascal, the serjeant, wouldtake his oath of it; but my own impression I'll never disclose to thehour of my death."

CHAPTER XVI.

THEATRICALS.

Our seance at the mess that night was a late one, for after we haddiscussed some coopers of claret, there was a very general public feelingin favour of a broiled bone and some devilled kidneys, followed by a veryample bowl of bishop, over which simple condiments we talked "green room"till near the break of day.

From having been so long away from the corps I had much to learn of theirdoings and intentions to do, and heard with much pleasure that theypossessed an exceedingly handsome theatre, well stocked with scenery,dresses, and decorations; that they were at the pinnacle of publicestimation, from what they had already accomplished, and calculated onthe result of my appearance to crown them with honour. I had indeed verylittle choice left me in the matter; for not only had they booked me fora particular part, but bills were already in circulation, and sundrylittle three-cornered notes enveloping them, were sent to the elite ofthe surrounding country, setting forth that "on Friday evening thecommittee of the garrison theatricals, intending to perform a dressrehearsal of the 'Family Party,' request the pleasure of Mr. ____ andMrs. ____'s company on the occasion. Mr. Lorrequer will undertake thepart of Captain Beauguarde. Supper at twelve. An answer will oblige."

The sight of one of these pleasant little epistles, of which theforegoing is a true copy--was presented to me as a great favour thatevening, it having been agreed upon that I was to know nothing of theirhigh and mighty resolves till the following morning. It was to littlepurpose that I assured them all, collectively and individually, that ofCaptain Beauguarde I absolutely knew nothing--had never read the piece--nor even seen it performed. I felt, too, that my last appearance incharacter in a "Family Party," was any thing but successful; and Itrembled lest, in the discussion of the subject, some confounded allusionto my adventure at Cheltenham might come out. Happily they seemed allignorant of this; and fearing to bring conversation in any way to thematter of my late travels, I fell in with their humour, and agreed thatif it were possible, in the limited time allowed me to manage it--I hadbut four days--I should undertake the character. My concurrence failedto give the full satisfaction I expected, and they so habitually did whatthey pleased with me, that, like all men so disposed, I never got thecredit for concession which a man more niggardly of his services mayalways command.

"To be sure you will do it, Harry," said the Major, "why not? I couldlearn the thing myself in a couple of hours, as for that."

Now, be it known that the aforesaid Major was so incorrigibly slow ofstudy, and dull of comprehension, that he had been successively degradedat our theatrical board from the delivering of a stage message to theoffice of check-taker.

"He's so devilish good in the love scene," said the junior ensign, withthe white eyebrows. "I say, Curzon, you'll be confoundedly jealousthough, for he is to play with Fanny."

"I rather think not," said Curzon, who was a little tipsy.

"Oh, yes," said Frazer, "Hepton is right. Lorrequer has Fanny for his'Frou;' and, upon my soul, I should feel tempted to take the part myselfupon the same terms; though I verily believe I should forget I wasacting, and make fierce love to her on the stage."

"And who may la charmante Fanny be?" said I, with something of the air ofthe "Dey of Algiers" in my tone.

"Let Curzon tell him," said several voices together, "he is the only mato do justice to such perfection."

"Quiz away, my merry men," said Cruzon, "all I know is, that you are aconfoundedly envious set of fellows; and if so lovely a girl had thrownher eyes on one amongst you__"

"Hip! hip! hurrah!" said old Fitzgerald, "Curzon is a gone man. He'll beoff to the palace for a license some fine morning, or I know nothing ofsuch matters."

"Well, Bat," said I, "if matters are really as you all say, why does notCurzon take the part you destine for me?"

"We dare not trust him," said the Major, "Lord bless you, when thecall-boy would sing out for Captain Beaugarde in the second act, we'dfind that he had Levanted with our best slashed trowsers, and a bird ofparadise feather in his cap."

"Well," thought I, "this is better at least than I anticipated, for ifnothing else offers, I shall have rare fun teasing my friend Charley"--for it was evident that he had been caught by the lady in question.

"And so you'll stay with us; give me your hand--you are a real trump."These words, which proceeded from a voice at the lower end of the table,were addressed to my friend Finucane.

"I'll stay with ye, upon my conscience," said Fin; "ye have a mostseductive way about ye; and a very superior taste in milk punch."

"But, Doctor," said I, "you must not be a drone in the hive; what will yedo for us? You should be a capital Sir Lucius O'Trigger, if we could getup the Rivals."

"My forte is the drum--the big drum; put me among what the Greeks callthe 'Mousikoi,' and I'll astonish ye."

It was at once agreed that Fin should follow the bent of his genius; andafter some other arrangements for the rest of the party, we separated forthe night, having previously toasted the "Fanny," to which Curzonattempted to reply, but sank, overpowered by punch and feelings, andlooked unutterable things, without the power to frame a sentence.

During the time which intervened between the dinner and the nightappointed for our rehearsal, I had more business upon my hands than aChancellor of the Exchequer the week of the budget being produced. Thewhole management of every department fell, as usual, to my share, andall those who, previously to my arrival, had contributed their quota oflabour, did nothing whatever now but lounge about the stage, or sit halfthe day in the orchestra, listening to some confounded story ofFinucane's, who contrived to have an everlasting mob of actors,scene-painters, fiddlers, and call-boys always about him, who, from theiruproarious mirth, and repeated shouts of merriment, nearly drove medistracted, as I stood almost alone and unassisted in the wholemanagement. Of la belle Fanny, all I learned was, that she was aprofessional actress of very considerable talent, and extremely pretty;that Curzon had fallen desperately in love with her the only night shehad appeared on the boards there, and that to avoid his absurdpersecution of her, she had determined not to come into town until themorning of the rehearsal, she being at that time on a visit to the houseof a country gentleman in the neighbourhood. Here was a new difficulty Ihad to contend with--to go through my part alone was out of the questionto making it effective; and I felt so worried and harassed that I oftenfairly resolved on taking the wings of the mail, and flying away to theuttermost parts of the south of Ireland, till all was tranquil again.By degrees, however, I got matters into better train, and by getting ourrehearsal early before Fin appeared, as he usually slept somewhat laterafter his night at mess, I managed to have things in something likeorder; he and his confounded drum, which, whenever he was notstory-telling, he was sure to be practising on, being, in fact thegreatest difficulties opposed to my managerial functions. One propertyhe possessed, so totally at variance with all habits of order, that itcompletely baffled me. So numerous were his narratives, that nooccasion could possibly arise, no chance expression be let fall on thestage, but Fin had something he deemed, apropos, and which, sans facon,he at once related for the benefit of all whom it might concern; thatwas usually the entire corps dramatique, who eagerly turned from stagedirections and groupings, to laugh at his ridiculous jests. I shallgive an instance of this habit of interruption, and let the unhappywight who has filled such an office as mine pity my woes.

I was standing one morning on the stage drilling my "corps" as usual.One most refractory spirit, to whom but a few words were entrusted, andwho bungled even those, I was endeavouring to train into something likehis part.

"Come now, Elsmore, try it again--just so. Yes, come forward in thismanner--take her hand tenderly--press it to your lips; retreat towardsthe flat, and then bowing deferentially--thus, say 'Good night, goodnight'--that's very simple, eh? Well, now that's all you have to do, andthat brings you over here--so you make your exit at once."

"Exactly so, Mr. Elsmore, always contrive to be near the door under suchcircumstances. That was the way with my poor friend, Curran. PoorPhilpot, when he dined with the Guild of Merchant Tailors, they gave hima gold box with their arms upon it--a goose proper, with needles saltierwise, or something of that kind; and they made him free of their 'ancientand loyal corporation,' and gave him a very grand dinner. Well, Curranwas mighty pleasant and agreeable, and kept them laughing all night, tillthe moment he rose to go away, and then he told them that he never spentso happy an evening, and all that. 'But, gentlemen,' said he, 'businesshas its calls, and I must tear myself away; so wishing you now'--therewere just eighteen of them--'wishing you now every happiness andprosperity, permit me to take my leave'--and here he stole near the door--'to take my leave, and bid you both good night.'" With a running fireof such stories, it may be supposed how difficult was my task in gettingany thing done upon the stage.

Well, at last the long-expected Friday arrived, and I rose in the morningwith all that peculiar tourbillon of spirits that a man feels when he ishalf pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him. I hadscarcely accomplished dressing when a servant tapped at my door, andbegged to know if I could spare a few moments to speak to Miss Ersler,who was in the drawing-room. I replied, of course, in the affirmative,and, rightly conjecturing that my fair friend must be the lovely Fannyalready alluded to, followed the servant down stairs.

"Mr. Lorrequer," said the servant, and closing the door behind me, leftme in sole possession of the lady.

"Will you do me the favour to sit here, Mr. Lorrequer," said one of thesweetest voices in the world, as she made room for me on the sofa besideher. "I am particularly short-sighted; so pray sit near me, as I reallycannot talk to any one I don't see."

I blundered out some platitude of a compliment to her eyes--the fullestand most lovely blue that ever man gazed into--at which she smiled as ifpleased, and continued, "Now, Mr. Lorrequer, I have really been longingfor your coming; for your friends of the 4_th are doubtless very dashing,spirited young gentlemen, perfectly versed in war's alarms; but pardon meif I say that a more wretched company of strolling wretches never graceda barn. Now, come, don't be angry, but let me proceed. Like all amateurpeople, they have the happy knack in distributing the characters--to putevery man in his most unsuitable position--and then that poor dear thingCurzon--I hope he's not a friend of yours--by some dire fatality alwaysplays the lover's parts, ha! ha! ha! True, I assure you, so that if youhad not been announced as coming this week, I should have left them andgone off to Bath."

Here she rose and adjusted her brown ringlets at the glass, giving meample time to admire one of the most perfect figures I ever beheld. Shewas most becomingly dressed, and betrayed a foot and ancle which forsymmetry and "chaussure," might have challenged the Rue Rivoli itself tomatch it.

My first thought was poor Curzon; my second, happy and trice fortunateHarry Lorrequer. There was no time, however, for indulgence in such verypardonable gratulation; so I at once proceeded "pour faire l'aimable," toprofess my utter inability to do justice to her undoubted talents, butslyly added, "that in the love making part of the matter she should neverbe able to discover that I was not in earnest." We chatted then gaily forupwards of an hour, until the arrival of her friend's carriage wasannounced, when, tendering me most graciously her hand, she smiledbenignly and saying "au revoir, donc," drove off.

As I stood upon the steps of the hotel, viewing her "out of the visiblehorizon," I was joined by Curzon, who evidently, from his self-satisfiedair, and jaunty gait, little knew how he stood in the fair Fanny'sestimation.

"Very pretty, very pretty, indeed, deeper and deeper still," cried he,alluding to my most courteous salutation as the carriage rounded thecorner, and it lovely occupant kissed her hand once more. "I say Harry,my friend, you don't think that was meant for you, I should hope?"

"What! the kiss of the hand? Yes, faith, but I do."

"Well, certainly that is good! why, man, she just saw me coming up thatinstant. She and I--we understand each other--never mind, don't becross--no fault of yours, you know."

"Ah, so she is taken with you," said I. "Eh, Charley?"

"Why, I believe that. I may confess to you the real state of matters.She was devilishly struck with me the first time we rehearsed together.We soon got up a little flirtation; but the other night when I playedMirabel to her, it finished the affair. She was quite nervous, and couldscarcely go through with her part. I saw it, and upon my soul I am sorryfor it; she's a prodigiously fine girl--such lips and such teeth! EgadI was delighted when you came; for, you see, I was in a manner obligedto take one line of character, and I saw pretty plainly where it mustend; and you know with you it's quite different, she'll laugh and chat,and all that sort of thing, but she'll not be carried away by herfeelings; you understand me?"

"Oh, perfectly; it's quite different, as you observed."

If I had not been supported internally during this short dialogue by therecently expressed opinion of the dear Fanny herself upon my friendCurzon's merits, I think I should have been tempted to take the libertyof wringing his neck off. However, the affair was much better as itstood, as I had only to wait a little with proper patience, and I had nofears but that my friend Charley would become the hero of a very prettyepisode for the mess.

"So I suppose you must feel considerably bored by this kind of thing," Isaid, endeavouring to draw him out.

"Why, I do," replied he, "and I do not. The girl is very pretty. Theplace is dull in the morning; and altogether it helps to fill up time."

"Well," said I, "you are always fortunate, Curzon. You have ever yourshare of what floating luck the world affords."

"It is not exactly all luck, my dear friend; for, as I shall explain toyou--"

"Not now," replied I, "for I have not yet breakfasted." So saying Iturned into the coffee-room, leaving the worthy adjutant to revel in hisfancied conquest, and pity such unfortunates as myself.

After an early dinner at the club-house, I hastened down to the theatre,where numerous preparations for the night were going forward. Thegreen-room was devoted to the office of a supper-room, to which theaudience had been invited. The dressing-rooms were many of them filledwith the viands destined for the entertainment. Where, among the woodenfowls and "impracticable" flagons, were to be seen very imposing pastiesand flasks of champaigne, littered together in most admirable disorder.The confusion naturally incidental to all private theatricals, wasten-fold increased by the circumstances of our projected supper. Cooksand scene-shifters, fiddlers and waiters, were most inextricablymingled; and as in all similar cases, the least important functionariestook the greatest airs upon them, and appropriated without hesitationwhatever came to their hands--thus the cook would not have scrupled tolight a fire with the violoncello of the orchestra; and I actuallycaught one of the "gens de cuisine" making a "soufflet" in a brasshelmet I had once worn when astonishing the world as Coriolanus.

Six o'clock struck. In another short hour and we begin, thought I, witha sinking heart, as I looked upon the littered stage crowded with hostsof fellows that had nothing to do there. Figaro himself never wished forubiquity more than I did, as I hastened from place to place, entreating,cursing, begging, scolding, execrating, and imploring by turns. To mendthe matter, the devils in the orchestra had begun to tune theirinstruments, and I had to bawl like a boatswain of a man-of-war, to beheard by the person beside me.

As seven o'clock struck, I peeped through the small aperture in thecurtain, and saw, to my satisfaction, mingled, I confess, with fear, thatthe house was nearly filled--the lower tier of boxes entirely so. Therewere a great many ladies handsomely dressed, chatting gaily with theirchaperons, and I recognised some of my acquaintances on every side; infact, there was scarcely a family of rank in the county that had not atleast some member of it present. As the orchestra struck up the overtureto Don Giovanni, I retired from my place to inspect the arrangementsbehind.

Before the performance of the "Family Party," we were to have a littleone-act piece called "a day in Madrid," written by myself--the principalcharacters being expressly composed for "Miss Ersler and Mr. Lorrequer."

The story of this trifle, it is not necessary to allude to; indeed, if itwere, I should scarcely have patience to do so, so connected is myrecollection of it with the distressing incident which followed.

In the first scene of the piece, the curtain rising displays la belleFanny sitting at her embroidery in the midst of a beautiful garden,surrounded with statues, fountains, &c. At the back is seen a pavillionin the ancient Moorish style of architecture, over which hang thebranches of some large and shady trees--she comes forward, expressing herimpatience at the delay of her lover, whose absence she tortures herselfto account for by a hundred different suppositions, and after a verysufficient expose of her feelings, and some little explanatory details ofher private history, conveying a very clear intimation of her ownamiability, and her guardian's cruelty, she proceeds, after the fashionof other young ladies similarly situated, to give utterance to herfeelings by a song; after, therefore, a suitable prelude from theorchestra, for which, considering the impassioned state of her mind, shewaits patiently, she comes forward and begins a melody--

"Oh why is he far from the heart that adores him?"

in which, for two verses, she proceeds with sundry sol feggio's, toaccount for the circumstances, and show her disbelief of the explanationin a very satisfactory manner,--meanwhile, for I must not expose myreader to an anxiety on my account, similar to what the dear Fanny herelaboured under, I was making the necessary preparations for flying to herpresence, and clasping her to my heart--that is to say, I had alreadygummed on a pair of mustachios, had corked and arched a ferocious pair ofeyebrows, which, with my rouged cheeks, gave me a look half Whiskerando,half Grimaldi; these operations were performed, from the stress ofcircumstances, sufficiently near the object of my affections, to affordme the pleasing satisfaction of hearing from her own sweet lips, hersolicitude about me--in a word, all the dressing-rooms but two werefilled with hampers of provisions, glass, china, and crockery, and fromabsolute necessity, I had no other spot where I could attire myselfunseen, except in the identical pavillion already alluded to--here,however, I was quite secure, and had abundant time also, for I was not toappear till scene the second, when I was to come forward in full Spanishcostume, "every inch a Hidalgo." Meantime, Fanny had been singing--

"Oh why is he far," &c. &c.

At the conclusion of the last verse, just as she repeats the words "why,why, why," in a very distracted and melting cadence, a voice behindstartles her--she turns and beholds her guardian--so at least run thecourse of events in the real drama--that it should follow thus nowhowever, "Dus aliter visum"--for just as she came to the very movingapostrophe alluded to, and called out, "why comes he not?"--a gruff voicefrom behind answered in a strong Cork brogue--"ah! would ye have him comein a state of nature?" at the instant a loud whistle rang through thehouse, and the pavillion scene slowly drew up, discovering me, HarryLorrequer, seated on a small stool before a cracked looking-glass, myonly habiliments, as I am an honest man, being a pair of long white silkstockings, and a very richly embroidered shirt with point lace collar.The shouts of laughter are yet in my ears, the loud roar ofinextinguishable mirth, which after the first brief pause of astonishmentgave way, shook the entire building--my recollection may well have beenconfused at such a moment of unutterable shame and misery; yet, I clearlyremember seeing Fanny, the sweet Fanny herself, fall into an arm-chairnearly suffocated with convulsions of laughter. I cannot go on; what Idid I know not. I suppose my exit was additionally ludicrous, for a neweclat de rire followed me out. I rushed out of the theatre, and wrappingonly my cloak round me, ran without stopping to the barracks. But I mustcease; these are woes too sacred for even confessions like mine, so letme close the curtain of my room and my chapter together, and say, adieufor a season.

CHAPTER XVIb.

[Note: There are two Chapter XVIs. In the table of contents, this onehas an asterisk but no explanation.]

THE WAGER.

It might have been about six weeks after the events detailed in my lastchapter had occurred, that Curzon broke suddenly into my room one morningbefore I had risen, and throwing a precautionary glance around, as if toassure himself that we were alone, seized my hand with a most unusualearnestness, and, steadfastly looking at me, said--

"Harry Lorrequer, will you stand by me?"

So sudden and unexpected was his appearance at the moment, that I reallyfelt but half awake, and kept puzzling myself for an explanation of thescene, rather than thinking of a reply to his question; perceiving which,and auguring but badly from my silence, he continued--

"Am I then, really deceived in what I believed to be an old and triedfriend?"

"Why, what the devil's the matter?" I cried out. "If you are in ascrape, why of course you know I'm your man; but, still, it's only fairto let one know something of the matter in the meanwhile."

"In a scrape!" said he, with a long-drawn sigh, intended to beat thewhole Minerva press in its romantic cadence.

"Well, but get on a bit," said I, rather impatiently; "who is the fellowyou've got the row with? Not one of ours, I trust?"

"Ah, my dear Hal," said he, in the same melting tone as before--"How yourimagination does run upon rows, and broils, and duelling rencontres,"(he, the speaker, be it known to the reader, was the fire-eater of theregiment,) "as if life had nothing better to offer than the excitement ofa challenge, or the mock heroism of a meeting."

As he made a dead pause here, after which he showed no disposition tocontinue, I merely added--

"Well, at this rate of proceeding we shall get at the matter in hand, onour way out to Corfu, for I hear we are the next regiment for theMediterranean."

The observation seemed to have some effect in rousing him from hislethargy, and he added--

"If you only knew the nature of the attachment, and how completely all myfuture hopes are concerned upon the issue--"

"Ho!" said I, "so it's a money affair, is it? and is it old Watson hasissued the writ? I'll bet a hundred."

"Well, upon my soul, Lorrequer," said he, jumping from his chair, andspeaking with more energy than he had before evinced, "you are, withoutexception, the most worldly-minded, cold-blooded fellow I ever met. Whathave I said that could have led you to suppose I had either a duel or alaw-suit upon my hands this morning? Learn, once and for all, man, thatI am in love--desperately and over head and ears in love."

"Et puis," said I coolly.

"And intend to marry immediately."

"Oh, very well," said I; "the fighting and debt will come later, that'sall. But to return--now for the lady."

"Come, you must make a guess."

"Why, then, I really must confess my utter inability; for your attentionshave been so generally and impartially distributed since our arrivalhere, that it may be any fair one, from your venerable partner at whistlast evening, to Mrs. Henderson, the pastry-cook inclusive, for whosemacaroni and cherry-brandy your feelings have been as warm as they areconstant."

"Come, no more quizzing, Hal. You surely must have remarked that lovelygirl I waltzed with at Power's ball on Tuesday last."

"Lovely girl! Why, in all seriousness, you don't mean the small womanwith the tow wig?"

"No, I do not mean any such thing--but a beautiful creature, with thebrightest locks in Christendom--the very light-brown waving ringlets,Dominicheno loved to paint, and a foot--did you see her foot?"

"No; that was rather difficult, for she kept continually bobbing up anddown, like a boy's cork-float in a fish-pond."

"Stop there. I shall not permit this any longer--I came not here tolisten to--"

"But, Curzon, my boy, you're not angry?"

"Yes, sir, I am angry."

"Why, surely, you have not been serious all this time?"

"And why not, pray?"

"Oh! I don't exactly know--that is, faith I scarcely thought you were inearnest, for if I did, of course I should honestly have confessed to youthat the lady in question struck me as one of the handsomest persons Iever met."

"You think so really, Hal?"

"Certainly I do, and the opinion is not mine alone; she is, in factuniversally admired."

"Come, Harry, excuse my bad temper. I ought to have known you better--give me your hand, old boy, and wish me joy, for with you aiding andabetting she is mine to-morrow morning."

I wrung his hand heartily--congratulating myself, meanwhile, how happilyI had got out of my scrape; as I now, for the first time, perceived thatCurzon was bona fide in earnest.

"So, you will stand by me, Hal," said he.

"Of course. Only show me how, and I'm perfectly at your service.Any thing from riding postillion on the leaders to officiating asbrides-maid, and I am your man. And if you are in want of such afunctionary, I shall stand in 'loco parentis' to the lady, and give heraway with as much 'onction' and tenderness as tho' I had as manymarriageable daughters as king Priam himself. It is with me in marriageas in duelling--I'll be any thing rather than a principal; and I havelong since disapproved of either method as a means of 'obtainingsatisfaction.'"

"Ah, Harry, I shall not be discouraged by your sneers. You've beenrather unlucky, I'm aware; but now to return: Your office, on thisoccasion, is an exceedingly simple one, and yet that which I could onlyconfide to one as much my friend as yourself. You must carry my dearestLouisa off."

"Carry her off! Where?--when?--how?"

"All that I have already arranged, as you shall hear."

"Yes. But first of all please to explain why, if going to run away withthe lady, you don't accompany her yourself."

"Ah! I knew you would say that, I could have laid a wager you'd ask thatquestion, for it is just that very explanation will show all the nativedelicacy and feminine propriety of my darling Loo; and first, I must tellyou, that old Sir Alfred Jonson, her father, has some confoundedprejudice against the army, and never would consent to her marriage witha red-coat--so that, his consent being out of the question, our onlyresource is an elopement. Louisa consents to this, but only upon onecondition--and this she insists upon so firmly--I had almost saidobstinately--that, notwithstanding all my arguments and representations,and even entreaties against it, she remains inflexible; so that I have atlength yielded, and she is to have her own way."

"Well, and what is the condition she lays such stress upon?"

"Simply this--that we are never to travel a mile together until I obtainmy right to do so, by making her my wife. She has got some trumperynotions in her head that any slight transgression over the bounds ofdelicacy made by women before marriage is ever after remembered by thehusband to their disadvantage, and she is, therefore, resolved not tosacrifice her principle even at such a crisis as the present."

"All very proper, I have no doubt; but still, pray explain what Iconfess appears somewhat strange to me at present. How does so verydelicately-minded a person reconcile herself to travelling with a perfectstranger under such circumstances?"

"That I can explain perfectly to you. You must know that when my darlingLoo consented to take this step, which I induced her to do with thegreatest difficulty, she made the proviso I have just mentioned; I atonce showed her that I had no maiden aunt or married sister to confideher to at such a moment, and what was to be done? She immediatelyreplied, 'Have you no elderly brother officer, whose years and discretionwill put the transaction in such a light as to silence the slanderoustongues of the world, for with such a man I am quite ready and willing totrust myself.' You see I was hard pushed there. What could I do?--whomcould I select? Old Hayes, the paymaster, is always tipsy; Jones isfive-and-forty--but egad! I'm not so sure I'd have found my betrothed atthe end of the stage. You were my only hope; I knew I could rely uponyou. You would carry on the whole affair with tact and discretion; andas to age, your stage experience would enable you, with a littleassistance from costume, to pass muster; besides that, I have alwaysrepresented you as the very Methuselah of the corps; and in the grey dawnof an autumnal morning--with maiden bashfulness assisting--the scrutinyis not likely to be a close one. So, now, your consent is alone wantingto complete the arrangements which, before this time to-morrow, shallhave made me the happiest of mortals."

Having expressed, in fitting terms, my full sense of obligation for thedelicate flattery with which he pictured me as "Old Lorrequer" to theLady, I begged a more detailed account of his plan, which I shall shortenfor my reader's sake, by the following brief expose.

A post-chaise and four was to be in waiting at five o'clock in themorning to convey me to Sir Alfred Jonson's residence, about twelve milesdistant. There I was to be met by a lady at the gate-lodge, who wassubsequently to accompany me to a small village on the Nore, where an oldcollege friend of Curzon's happened to reside, as parson, and by whom thetreaty was to be concluded.

This was all simple and clear enough--the only condition necessary toinsure success being punctuality, particularly on the lady's part. As tomine I readily promised my best aid and warmest efforts in my friend'sbehalf.

"There is only one thing more," said Curzon. "Louisa's younger brotheris a devilish hot-headed, wild sort of a fellow; and it would be as well,just for precaution sake, to have your pistols along with you, if, by anychance, he should make out what was going forward--not but that you knowif any thing serious was to take place, I should be the person to takeall that upon my hands."

"Oh! of course--I understand," said I. Meanwhile I could not helprunning over in my mind the pleasant possibilities such an adventurepresented, heartily wishing that Curzon had been content to marry by bansor any other of the legitimate modes in use, without risking his friend'sbones. The other pros and cons of the matter, with full and accuratedirections as to the road to be taken on obtaining possession of thelady, being all arranged, we parted, I to settle my costume andappearance for my first performance in an old man's part, and Curzon toobtain a short leave for a few days from the commanding officer of theregiment.

When we again met, which was at the mess-table, it was not withoutevidence on either side of that peculiar consciousness which persons feelwho have, or think they have, some secret in common, which the world wotsnot of. Curzon's unusually quick and excited manner would at once havestruck any close observer as indicating the eve of some important step,no less than continual allusions to whatever was going on, by sly andequivocal jokes and ambiguous jests. Happily, however, on the presentoccasion, the party were otherwise occupied than watching him--being mostprofoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine and mattersmedical with all the acute and accurate knowledge which characterisessuch discussions among the non-medical public.

The present conversation originated from some mention our senior surgeonFitzgerald had just made of a consultation which he was invited to attendon the next morning, at the distance of twenty miles, and whichnecessitated him to start at a most uncomfortably early hour. While hecontinued to deplore the hard fate of such men as himself, so eagerlysought after by the world, that their own hours were eternally broken inupon by external claims, the juniors were not sparing of their mirth onthe occasion, at the expense of the worthy doctor, who, in plain truth,had never been disturbed by a request like the present within any one'smemory. Some asserted that the whole thing was a puff, got up by Fitz.himself, who was only going to have a day's partridge-shooting; othershinting that it was a blind to escape the vigilance of Mrs. Fitzgerald--a well-known virago in the regiment--while Fitz. enjoyed himself; anda third party, pretending to sympathise with the doctor, suggested thata hundred pounds would be the least he could possibly be offered forsuch services as his on so grave an occasion.

"No, no, only fifty," said Fitz. gravely.

"Fifty! Why, you tremendous old humbug, you don't mean to say you'llmake fifty pounds before we are out of our beds in the morning?" criedone.

"I'll take your bet on it," said the doctor, who had, in this instance,reason to suppose his fee would be a large one.

During this discussion, the claret had been pushed round rather freely;and fully bent, as I was, upon the adventure before me, I had taken myshare of it as a preparation. I thought of the amazing prize I was aboutto be instrumental in securing for my friend--for the lady had reallythirty thousand pounds--and I could not conceal my triumph at such aprospect of success in comparison with the meaner object of ambition.They all seemed to envy poor Fitzgerald. I struggled with my secret forsome time--but my pride and the claret together got the better of me, andI called out, "Fifty pounds on it, then, that before ten to-morrowmorning, I'll make a better hit of it than you--and the mess shall decidebetween us afterwards as to the winner."

"And if you will," said I, seeing some reluctance on Fitz.'s part to takethe wager, and getting emboldened in consequence, "let the judgment bepronounced over a couple of dozen of champaigne, paid by the loser."

This was a coup d'etat on my part, for I knew at once there were so manyparties to benefit by the bet, terminate which way it might, there couldbe no possibility of evading it. My ruse succeeded, and poor Fitzgerald,fairly badgered into a wager, the terms of which he could not in theleast comprehend, was obliged to sign the conditions inserted in theadjutant's note-book--his greatest hope in so doing being in the quantityof wine he had seen me drink during the evening. As for myself, the betwas no sooner made than I began to think upon the very little chance Ihad of winning it; for even supposing my success perfect in thedepartment allotted to me, it might with great reason be doubted whatpeculiar benefit I myself derived as a counterbalance to the fee of thedoctor. For this, my only trust lay in the justice of a decision which Iconjectured would lean more towards the goodness of a practical joke thanthe equity of the transaction. The party at mess soon after separated,and I wished my friend good night for the last time before meeting him asa bride-groom.

I arranged every thing in order for my start. My pistol-case I placedconspicuously before me, to avoid being forgotten in the haste ofdeparture; and, having ordered my servant to sit up all night in theguard-room until he heard the carriage at the barrack-gate, threw myselfon my bed, but not to sleep. The adventure I was about to engage insuggested to my mind a thousand associations, into which many of thescenes I have already narrated entered. I thought how frequently I hadmyself been on the verge of that state which Curzon was about to try, andhow it always happened that when nearest to success, failure hadintervened. From my very school-boy days my love adventures had the sameunfortunate abruptness in their issue; and there seemed to be somethingvery like a fatality in the invariable unsuccess of my efforts atmarriage. I feared, too, that my friend Curzon had placed himself invery unfortunate hands--if augury were to be relied upon. Something willsurely happen, thought I, from my confounded ill luck, and all will beblown up. Wearied at last with thinking I fell into a sound sleep forabout three-quarters of an hour, at the end of which I was awoke by myservant informing me that a chaise and four were drawn up at the end ofthe barrack lane.

"Why, surely, they are too early, Stubber? It's only four o'clock."

"Yes, sir; but they say that the road for eight miles is very bad, andthey must go it almost at a walk."

That is certainly pleasant, thought I, but I'm in for it now, so can'thelp it.

In a few minutes I was up and dressed, and so perfectly transformed bythe addition of a brown scratch-wig and large green spectacles, and adeep-flapped waistcoat, that my servant, on re-entering my room, couldnot recognise me. I followed him now across the barrack-yard, as, withmy pistol-case under one arm and a lantern in his hand, he proceeded tothe barrack-gate.

As I passed beneath the adjutant's window, I saw a light--the sash wasquickly thrown open, and Curzon appeared.

"Is that you, Harry?"

"Yes--when do you start?"

"In about two hours. I've only eight miles to go--you have upwards oftwelve, and no time to lose. God bless you, my boy--we'll meet soon."

"Here's the carriage, sir; this way."

"Well, my lads, you know the road I suppose?"

"Every inch of it, your honour's glory; we're always coming it fordoctors and 'pothecaries; they're never a week without them."

I was soon seated, the door clapped to, and the words "all right" given,and away we went.

Little as I had slept during the night, my mind was too much occupiedwith the adventure I was engaged in, to permit any thoughts of sleep now,so that I had abundant opportunity afforded me of pondering over all thebearings of the case, with much more of deliberation and caution than Ihad yet bestowed upon it. One thing was certain, whether success did ordid not attend our undertaking, the risk was mine and mine only; and ifby any accident the affair should be already known to the family, I stooda very fair chance of being shot by one of the sons, or stoned to deathby the tenantry; while my excellent friend Curzon should be eating hisbreakfast with his reverend friend, and only interrupting himself in hisfourth muffin, to wonder "what could keep them;" and besides for minormiseries will, like the little devils in Don Giovanni, thrust up theirheads among their better-grown brethren, my fifty-pound bet looked ratherblue; for even under the most favourable light considered, however Curzonmight be esteemed a gainer, it might be well doubted how far I hadsucceeded better than the doctor, when producing his fee in evidence.Well, well, I'm in for it now; but it certainly is strange, all thesevery awkward circumstances never struck me so forcibly before; and afterall, it was not quite fair of Curzon to put any man forward in such atransaction; the more so, as such a representation might be made of it atthe Horse-Guards as to stop a man's promotion, or seriously affect hisprospects for life, and I at last began to convince myself that many aman so placed, would carry the lady off himself, and leave the adjutantto settle the affair with the family. For two mortal hours did I conjureup every possible disagreeable contingency that might arise. My beingmulcted of my fifty and laughed at by the mess seemed inevitable, evenwere I fortunate enough to escape a duel with the fire-eating brother.Meanwhile a thick misty rain continued to fall, adding so much to thedarkness of the early hour, that I could see nothing of the country aboutme, and knew nothing of where I was.

Troubles are like laudanum, a small dose only excites, a strong one setsyou to sleep--not a very comfortable sleep mayhap--but still it is sleep,and often very sound sleep; so it now happened with me. I had ponderedover, weighed, and considered all the pros, cons, turnings, and windingsof this awkward predicament, till I had fairly convinced myself that Iwas on the high road to a confounded scrape; and then, having establishedthat fact to my entire satisfaction, I fell comfortably back in thechaise, and sunk into a most profound slumber.

If to any of my readers I may appear here to have taken a very despondentview of this whole affair, let him only call to mind my invariable illluck in such matters, and how always it had been my lot to see myself onthe fair road to success, only up to that point at which it is certain,besides--but why explain? These are my confessions. I may not alterwhat are matters of fact, and my reader must only take me with all theimperfections of wrong motives and headlong impulses upon my head, orabandon me at once.

Meanwhile the chaise rolled along, and the road being better and the pacefaster, my sleep became more easy; thus, about an hour and a half after Ihad fallen asleep, passed rapidly over, when the sharp turning of anangle distended me from my leaning position, and I awoke. I started upand rubbed my eyes; several seconds elapsed before I could think where Iwas or whither going. Consciousness at last came, and I perceived thatwe were driving up a thickly planted avenue. Why, confound it, theycan't have mistaken it, thought I, or are we really going up to thehouse, instead of waiting at the lodge? I at once lowered the sash, andstretching out my head, cried out, "Do you know what ye are about, lads;is this all right?" but unfortunately, amid the rattling of the graveland the clatter of the horses, my words were unheard; and thinking I wasaddressing a request to go faster, the villains cracked their whips, andbreaking into a full gallop, before five minutes flew over, they drew upwith a jerk at the foot of a long portico to a large and spaciouscut-stone mansion. When I rallied from the sudden check, which had nearlythrown me through the window, I gave myself up for lost: here I was vis avis to the very hall-door of the man whose daughter I was about to elopewith, whether so placed by the awkwardness and blundering of the wretcheswho drove me, or delivered up by their treachery, it mattered not, myfate seemed certain; before I had time to determine upon any line ofacting in this confounded dilemma, the door was jerked open by a servantin a sombre livery; who, protruding his head and shoulders into thechaise, looked at me steadily for a moment, and said, "Ah! then, doctordarlin', but ye're welcome." With the speed with which sometimes the barof an air long since heard, or the passing glance of an old familiar factcan call up the memory of our very earliest childhood, bright and vividbefore us, so that one single phrase explained the entire mystery of mypresent position, and I saw in one rapid glance that I had got into thechaise intended for Dr. Fitzgerald, and was absolutely at that momentbefore the hall-door of the patient. My first impulse was an honest one,to avow the mistake and retrace my steps, taking my chance to settle withCurzon, whose matrimonial scheme I foresaw was doomed to the untimelyfate of all those I had ever been concerned in. My next thought, howseldom is the adage true which says "that second thoughts are best," wasupon my luckless wager; for, even supposing that Fitzgerald should followme in the other chaise, yet as I had the start of him, if I could onlypass muster for half an hour, I might secure the fee, and evacuate theterritory; besides that there was a great chance of Fitz's having gone onmy errand, while I was journeying on his, in which case I should be safefrom interruption. Meanwhile, heaven only could tell, what hisinterference in poor Curzon's business might not involve. These seriousreflections took about ten seconds to pass through my mind, as thegrave-looking old servant proceeded to encumber himself with my cloakand my pistol-case, remarking as he lifted the latter, "And may the Lordgrant ye won't want the instruments this time, doctor, for they say heis better this morning;" heartily wishing amen to the benevolent prayerof the honest domestic, for more reasons than one, I descendedleisurely, as I conjectured a doctor ought to do, from the chaise, andwith a solemn pace and grave demeanour followed him into the house.

In the small parlour to which I was ushered, sat two gentlemen somewhatadvanced in years, who I rightly supposed were my medical confreres. Oneof these was a tall, pale, ascetic-looking man, with grey hairs, andretreating forehead, slow in speech, and lugubrious in demeanour. Theother, his antithesis, was a short, rosy-cheeked, apoplectic-lookingsubject, with a laugh like a suffocating wheeze, and a paunch like analderman; his quick, restless eye, and full nether lip denoting more ofthe bon vivant than the abstemious disciple of Aesculapius. A moment'sglance satisfied me, that if I had only these to deal with, I was safe,for I saw that they were of that stamp of country practitioner,half-physician, half-apothecary, who rarely come in contact with thehigher orders of their art, and then only to be dictated to, obey, andgrumble.

"Doctor, may I beg to intrude myself, Mr. Phipps, on your notice? Dr.Phipps or Mr. It's all one; but I have only a license in pharmacy, thoughthey call me doctor."

I at once expressed the great happiness it afforded me to meet suchhighly informed and justly celebrated gentlemen; and fearing every momentthe arrival of the real Simon Pure should cover me with shame anddisgrace, begged they would afford me as soon as possible, some historyof the case we were concerned for. They accordingly proceeded to expoundin a species of duet, some curious particulars of an old gentleman whohad the evil fortune to have them for his doctors, and who laboured undersome swelling of the neck, which they differed as to the treatment of,and in consequence of which, the aid of a third party (myself, God blessthe mark!) was requested.

As I could by no means divest myself of the fear of Fitz.'s arrival, Ipleaded the multiplicity of my professional engagements as a reason forat once seeing the patient; upon which I was conducted up stairs by mytwo brethren, and introduced to a half-lighted chamber. In a large easychair sat a florid-looking old man, with a face in which pain andhabitual ill-temper had combined to absorb every expression.

"This is the doctor of the regiment, sir, that you desired to see," saidmy tall coadjutor.

"Oh! then very well; good morning, sir. I suppose you will find outsomething new the matter, for them two there have been doing so everyday this two months."

"I trust, sir," I replied stiffly, "that with the assistance of mylearned friends, much may be done for you. Ha! hem! So this is themalady. Turn your head a little to that side;" here an awful groanescaped the sick man, for I, it appears, had made considerable impressionupon rather a delicate part, not unintentionally I must confess; for as Iremembered Hoyle's maxim at whist, "when in doubt play a trump," so Ithought it might be true in physic, when posed by a difficulty to do abold thing also. "Does that hurt you, sir?" said I in a soothing andaffectionate tone of voice. "Like the devil," growled the patient. "Andhere?" said I. "Oh! oh! I can't bear it any longer." "Oh! I perceive,"said I, "the thing is just as I expected." Here I raised my eyebrows,and looked indescribably wise at my confreres.

"No aneurism, doctor," said the tall one.

"Certainly not."

"Maybe," said the short man, "maybe it's a stay-at-home-with-us tumourafter all;" so at least he appeared to pronounce a confounded technical,which I afterwards learned was "steatomatous;" conceiving that my rosyfriend was disposed to jeer at me, I gave him a terrific frown, andresumed, "this must not be touched."

"So you won't operate upon it," said the patient.

"I would not take a thousand pounds and do so," I replied. "Now if youplease gentlemen," said I, making a step towards the door, as if towithdraw for consultation; upon which they accompanied me down stairs tothe breakfast-room. As it was the only time in my life I had performedin this character, I had some doubts as to the propriety of indulging avery hearty breakfast appetite, not knowing if it were unprofessional toeat; but from this doubt my learned friends speedily relieved me, by theentire devotion which they bestowed for about twenty minutes upon ham,rolls, eggs, and cutlets, barely interrupting these important occupationsby sly allusions to the old gentleman's malady, and his chance ofrecovery.

"Well, doctor," said the pale one, as at length he rested from hislabours, "what are we to do?"

"Ay," said the other, "there's the question."

"Go on," said I, "go on as before; I can't advise you better." Now, thiswas a deep stroke of mine; for up to the present moment I do not knowwhat treatment they were practising; but it looked a shrewd thing toguess it, and it certainly was civil to approve of it.

"So you think that will be best."

"I am certain--I know nothing better," I answered.

"Well, I'm sure, sir, we have every reason to be gratified for the verycandid manner you have treated us. Sir, I'm your most obedient servant,"said the fat one.

"Gentlemen, both your good healths and professional success also:" hereI swallowed a petit verre of brandy; thinking all the while there wereworse things than the practice of physic.

"I hope you are not going," said one, as my chaise drew up at the door.

"Business calls me," said I, "and I can't help it."

"Could not you manage to see our friend here again, in a day or two?"said the rosy one.

"I fear it will be impossible," replied I; "besides I have a notion hemay not desire it."

"I have been commissioned to hand you this," said the tall doctor, with ahalf sigh, as he put a check into my hand.

I bowed slightly, and stuffed the crumpled paper with a half careless airinto my waistcoat pocket, and wishing them both every species ofhappiness and success, shook hands four times with each, and drove off;never believing myself safe 'till I saw the gate-lodge behind me, andfelt myself flying on the road to Kilkenny at about twelve miles Irish anhour.

CHAPTER XVII.

THE ELOPEMENT.

It was past two o'clock when I reached the town. On entering thebarrack-yard, I perceived a large group of officers chatting together,and every moment breaking into immoderate fits of laughter. I went over,and immediately learned the source of their mirth, which was this: Nosooner had it been known that Fitzgerald was about to go to a distance,on a professional call, than a couple of young officers laid their headstogether, and wrote an anonymous note to Mrs. Fitz. who was the verydragon of jealousy, informing her, that her husband had feigned the wholehistory of the patient and consultation as an excuse for absentinghimself on an excursion of gallantry; and that if she wished to satisfyherself of the truth of the statement, she had only to follow him in themorning, and detect his entire scheme; the object of these amiablefriends being to give poor Mrs. Fitz. a twenty miles' jaunt, and confronther with her injured husband at the end of it.

Having a mind actively alive to suspicions of this nature, the worthywoman made all her arrangements for a start, and scarcely was the chaiseand four, with her husband, out of the town, than was she on the track ofit, with a heart bursting with jealousy, and vowing vengeance to theknife, against all concerned in this scheme to wrong her.

So far the plan of her persecutors had perfectly succeeded; they saw herdepart, on a trip of, as they supposed, twenty miles, and their wholenotions of the practical joke were limited to the eclaircissement thatmust ensue at the end. Little, however, were they aware how much morenearly the suspected crime, was the position of the poor doctor to turnout; for, as by one blunder I had taken his chaise, so he, without anyinquiry whatever, had got into the one intended for me; and never awokefrom a most refreshing slumber, till shaken by the shoulder by thepostillion, who whispered in his ear--"here we are sir; this is thegate."

"But why stop at the gate? Drive up the avenue, my boy."

"His honor told me, sir, not for the world to go farther than the lodge;nor to make as much noise as a mouse."

"Ah! very true. He may be very irritable, poor man! Well stop here, andI'll get out."

Just as the doctor had reached the ground, a very smart-looking soubrettetripped up, and said to him--

"Beg pardon, sir; but you are the gentleman from the barrack, sir?"

"Yes, my dear," said Fitz., with a knowing look at the pretty face of thedamsel, "what can I do for you?"

"Why sir, my mistress is here in the shrubbery; but she is so nervous,and so frightened, I don't know how she'll go through it."

"Ah! she's frightened, poor thing; is she? Oh! she must keep up herspirits, while there's life there's hope."

"Sir."

"I say, my darling, she must not give way. I'll speak to her a little.Is not he rather advanced in life?"

"Oh, Lord! no sir. Only two-and-thirty, my mistress tells me?"

"Two-and-thirty! Why I thought he was above sixty."

"Above sixty! Law! sir. You have a bright fancy. This is thegentleman, ma'am. Now sir, I'll just slip aside for a moment, and letyou talk to her."

"I am grieved, ma'am, that I have not the happiness to make youracquaintance under happier circumstances."

"Well, sir! as I have the most perfect confidence in you, from all I haveheard of you, I trust you will not think me abrupt in saying that anylonger delay here is dangerous."

"Dangerous! Is he in so critical a state as that then?"

"Critical a state, sir! Why what do you mean?"

"I mean, ma'am, do you think, then, it must be done to-day?"

"Of course I do, sir, and I shall never leave the spot without yourassuring me of it."

"Oh! in that case make your mind easy. I have the instruments in thechaise."

"The instruments in the chaise! Really, sir, if you are not jesting--Itrust you don't think this is a fitting time for such--I entreat of youto speak more plainly and intelligibly."

"Jesting, ma'am! I'm incapable of jesting at such a moment."

"Ma'am! ma'am! I see one of the rangers, ma'am, at a distance; so don'tlose a moment, but get into the chaise at once."

"Well, sir, let us away; for I have now gone too far to retract."

"Help my mistress into the chaise, sir. Lord! what a man it is."

A moment more saw the poor doctor seated beside the young lady, while thepostillions plied whip and spur with their best energy; and the road flewbeneath them. Meanwhile the delay caused by this short dialogue, enabledMrs. Fitz.'s slower conveyance to come up with the pursuit, and herchaise had just turned the angle of the road as she caught a glimpse of amuslin dress stepping into the carriage with her husband.

There are no words capable of conveying the faintest idea of the feelingsthat agitated Mrs. Fitz. at this moment. The fullest confirmation to herworst fears was before her eyes--just at the very instant when a doubtwas beginning to cross over her mind that it might have been merely ahoax that was practised on her, and that the worthy Doctor was innocentand blameless. As for the poor Doctor himself, there seemed littlechance of his being enlightened as to the real state of matters; for fromthe moment the young lady had taken her place in the chaise, she hadburied her face in her hands, and sobbed continually. Meanwhile heconcluded that they were approaching the house by some back entrance, toavoid noise and confusion, and waited, with due patience, for thejourney's end.

As, however, her grief continued unabated, Fitz. at length began to thinkof the many little consolatory acts he had successfully practised in hisprofessional career, and was just insinuating some very tender speech onthe score of resignation, with his head inclined towards the weeping ladybeside him, when the chaise of Mrs. Fitz. came up along-side, and thepostillions having yielded to the call to halt, drew suddenly up,displaying to the enraged wife the tableau we have mentioned.

"So, wretch," she screamed rather than spoke, "I have detected you atlast."

"Lord bless me! Why it is my wife."

"Yes, villain! your injured, much-wronged wife! And you, madam, may Iask what you have to say for thus eloping with a married man?"

"Shame! My dear Jemima," said Fitz. "how can you possibly permit yourfoolish jealousy so far to blind your reason. Don't you see I am goingupon a professional call?"

"Oh! you are. Are you? Quite professional, I'll be bound."

"Oh, sir! Oh, madam! I beseech you, save me from the anger of myrelatives, and the disgrace of exposure. Pray bring me back at once."

"Why, my God! ma'am, what do you mean? You are not gone mad, as well asmy wife."

"Really, Mr. Fitz." said Mrs. F. "this is carrying the joke too far.Take your unfortunate victim--as I suppose she is such--home to herparents, and prepare to accompany me to the barrack; and if there be lawand justice in--"

"Well! may the Lord in his mercy preserve my senses, or you will bothdrive me clean mad."

"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" sobbed the young lady, while Mrs. Fitzgeraldcontinued to upbraid at the top of her voice, heedless of the disclaimersand protestations of innocence poured out with the eloquence of despair,by the poor doctor. Matters were in this state, when a man dressed in afustian jacket, like a groom, drove up to the side of the road, in atax-cart; he immediately got down, and tearing open the door of thedoctor's chaise, lifted out the young lady, and deposited her safely inhis own conveyance, merely adding--

"I say, master, you're in luck this morning, that Mr. William took thelower road; for if he had come up with you instead of me, he'd blow theroof off your scull, that's all."

While these highly satisfactory words were being addressed to poor Fitz.Mrs. Fitzgerald had removed from her carriage to that of her husband,perhaps preferring four horses to two; or perhaps she had still someunexplained views of the transaction, which might as well be told on theroad homeward.

Whatever might have been the nature of Mrs. F.'s dissertation, nothing isknown. The chaise containing these turtle doves arrived late at night atKilkenny, and Fitz. was installed safely in his quarters before any oneknew of his having come back. The following morning he was reported ill;and for three weeks he was but once seen, and at that time only at hiswindow, with a flannel night-cap on his head, looking particularly pale,and rather dark under one eye.

As for Curzon--the last thing known of him that luckless morning, was hishiring a post-chaise for the Royal Oak, from whence he posted to Dublin,and hastened on to England. In a few days we learned that the adjutanthad exchanged into a regiment in Canada; and to this hour there are notthree men in the __th who know the real secret of that morning'smisadventures.

EBOOK EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS:

Air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his timeAlways a pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friendChew over the cud of his misfortuneDaily association sustains the interest of the veriest triflesDear, dirty Dublin--Io te saluteEvery misfortune has an end at lastFighting like devils for conciliationHalf pleased and whole frightened with the labour before himHating each other for the love of GodHe first butthers them up, and then slithers them downHe was very much disguised in drinkLeast important functionaries took the greatest airs upon themMight almost excite compassion even in an enemyMisfortune will find you out, if ye were hid in a tay chestProfoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicineRather a dabbler in the "ologies"Recovered as much of their senses as the wine had left themSeems ever to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanityThe tone of assumed compassion