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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Losing one's rainbow

This post has been stewing in my head for a bit. It wasn't until recently that I felt the real importance of getting it down. Because some things are hard to get out of your mouth and to say in the way that you want others to interpret them. But what it comes down to is, I've been an ass.

No, I'm not a mean-spirited person. I haven't intentionally hurt anyone or done anything out of being vindictive. I just didn't make my time and companionship available to some people I really love. It's true I'm busy with a full-time job, a husband, 3 kids, and an attempted writing career, but that's no excuse for not being with the one's I love because they are an important part of the balance I need, they need, we need. So here it is--a public apology to all of those people I love and whom make me happy, inspired, and comfortable in my own skin and for those that accept me for the eccentric person I tend to be at times.

I haven't made the time for those I need to because I've frankly been wrapped up in my own internal drama. I knew it was happening, but I was feeling a little incapable of solving the issue for the past 6 months. I'm not one to discuss my deepest, darkest, most inner feelings with anyone. And I mean anyone--I'll give those I REALLY trust a little glimpse of it, but this monster is truly too frightening to share. Those feelings rooted deep in the most hollow part of me are not for sharing. What it comes down to though is that I--deep breathe--have known for years (since I was 19) that I have anxiety issues and depression. I had major anxiety and depression at 19 and learned to control it. Recently, it has come back to the forefront of my life and I'm having to learn once again to get it in check.

Now that doesn't mean that I'm this little unhappy female walking around like Eeyore all the time. Sometimes that's how I feel inside and I can put on a very happy face. Other times I have such life-paralyzing social anxiety that I can't go out and have fun with those I really want to because physically I feel incapable of it. My body just wants to shut down and close off from the world. In fact, I feel very very uncomfortable even typing this, which is causing me to want to freeze up and huck my laptop.

But I think it's important to be honest with myself. This is who I am. I'm not crazy. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a broken, lacking, less-valued human being because of these things. In fact, I realize many creative people cope with these issues (and even much much worse than this). I embrace that these "deficiencies" are a part of me and make me who I am. If you're going to love me, I know you love me for all that I am because this makes me the wonderful, silly, vivacious person you see.

So, sorry to all of those that I dearly love for being not present in the moment and being a bit of a little black rain cloud. I'm coming back and my rainbow is getting brighter in the sky once again.