The thing about divorce is that it’s a misnomer. The definition of the word itself is “the legal dissolution of a marriage” or “a complete or radical severance of closely connected things”.

The problem is, if you’ve got kids — you can never truly be divorced. At least, not according to that second definition. You can move your things into a separate space. You can separate your heart from past hurts. You can get over it. You can move on. You can fall in love again. But you can’t entirely be rid of the person you wed however many years ago. The vows you made wound up being permanent in the worst way possible.

I think this issue becomes more and more evident as time passes — as each of you begin to see other people, but still try to maintain some semblance of a relationship for the benefit of the kids.

New partners are sometimes not entirely understanding.

That said, here are some things that I feel are important to remember when establishing new relationships and perhaps, just in general, day-to-day living.

n Anyone you date has to be understanding that you have to communicate with your ex. They can’t get uptight every time they call and they can’t get angry if they catch you on the phone with your spouse, or if you have to have an extended conversation with them. You are going to have to keep open lines with this person until your kids are adults. That’s a fact of life for you now, so you may as well accept it.

That said, be very careful about your conversations. You should only talk to them about the kids. Your new partner deserves your respect.

n The two most important people in your kid’s lives are you and your ex. They don’t need the anxiety that comes from you firing missiles at your spouse. They’ll feel conflicted and caught in the middle, and no matter how good it feels to get a zinger in at your ex, it’s the kids who are hurt the most. Whatever it was that destroyed your relationship with your spouse — let it go. The kids need to feel security. They need to feel that their world is safe.

n Don’t worry about what your kids are doing (or not doing) at your ex’s house. Chances are, when you were married, your then-spouse took care of certain responsibilities that fell under their skill set. Maybe they did the finances while you took care of the dishes and yard work. Maybe you were the one who was good at getting in the floor and playing with the kids. Maybe they were the one who was good at making sure there was good, healthy food on the table. You guys are different. And now you’re separated, you’re still going to have those strengths and weaknesses. Don’t sweat it unless you want your life to be filled with unnecessary stress. (Of course, do watch out for signs of abuse, if that’s something you honestly have to worry about — God forbid).

n You don’t have to be Disney Land. If you are the parent with lesser visitation, sometimes you may feel compelled to always have something fun going on when it’s your turn to have them. It’s only natural. You want the kids to have fun when they are with you. It’s definitely a good thing to connect with your kids through activities, but there is a such thing as overdoing it. It’s okay to have a quiet night at home and just enjoy each other. That’s what the bulk of life truly is anyway. You don’t want to set false expectations for your kids.

The irritating truth is that you are going to have to learn how to function as a team for the sake of your kids. You’re going to have to learn skills that may have saved your marriage if you had bothered learning them before things fell apart. You’re going to have to do this because your kids are more important than revenge, a broken heart or anything (or anyone) else that comes about.