Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online DistributedProofreading Team.

PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 100.

March 14, 1891.

SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.

NO. III.--THE BIOGRAPHER.

We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take afurther flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant, whohas exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure of asuburban villa--let us say at Norwood. You are in your dining-room,examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather holds up, youwill take your big dog out presently for a run before lunch, when youare told that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "onparticular business." The very word excites you, not unpleasantly,nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's business, or the DistrictBoard, or the County Council--it is enough that your experience andpractical knowledge of affairs are in request--and, better still,it will give you something to do. So, after a delay due to your ownimportance, you march into your study, and find a brisk stranger, withred whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in documents which he hasbrought with him in a black bag.

[Illustration: "Your Visitor has his Note-book out."]

"I _have_ the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I think?" he says."Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider myself extremely fortunatein finding you at home, I assure you, and a very charming placeyou have here--abundant evidence of a refined and cultivated mind,excellent selection of our best-known writers, everything, if I maysay so, elegant in the extreme--as was to be expected! Even from thecursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would lenditself admirably to picturesque description--which brings me to theobject of my visit. I have called upon you, Mr. LANE, in the hope ofeliciting your sympathy and patronage for a work I am now compiling--awork which will, I am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of yourwide culture and interest in literary matters." (_Here you will lookas judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against anew Encyclopaedia, or an illustrated edition of_ SHAKSPEARE's _works_.)"The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, _Notable Nonentitiesof Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here you will nod gravely,rather taken by the title._) "It will be published very shortly, bysubscription, Mr. LANE, in two handsome quarto volumes, got up inthe most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been long wanted,and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely read. It is myambition to make it a complete biographical compendium of every livingcelebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present date. It willbe embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirelynew process upon India and Japanese paper; everything--type, ink,paper, binding, will be of the best procurable; the publishers beingdetermined to spare no expense in making it a book of referencesuperior to anything of the kind previously attempted!" (_As he pausesfur breath, you will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such awork, as he contemplates, will be an excellent thing--but that, foryour own part, you can dispense with any information respecting theNotabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will excuse you_--)

"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my object. I shouldnot dream of expecting you to _subscribe_ to such a work. But, inmy capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing undonethat care and research can effect to render the work complete--andit would be incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference toso distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("_Oh, pooh--nonsense!"You will say at this--but you will sit down again_) "Norwood is asingularly favoured locality. Sir; its charms have induced many of ourforemost men to select it for their _rus in urbe_. Why, in this veryroad--May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with AldermanMINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to furnish me with manyinteresting details of his personal career, a photo-gravured portraitof him will be included, with views of the interior and exterior of'The Drudgeries,' and a bit from the back-garden." (_You do know_MINCING--_and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the absurdvanity of the man_--_a mere nobody, away from the City!_) "Betweenourselves," says your interviewer, candidly, having possibly observedyour expression, "I am by no means sure that I shall feel warrantedin allotting Alderman MINCING as much space as I fear he will considerhimself entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectableman, does _not_ appeal to the popular imagination as others I couldmention do--he is just a _little_ commonplace!" ("_Shrewd follow,this!" you think to yourself--"Got_ MINCING's _measure!_") "But Ishould feel it an honour, indeed, if such a man as yourself, now,would give me all the personal information you think proper to makepublic, while, as a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious andartistic domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! Ido trust that you will see your way to--" (_At first, you suggest thatyou must talk it over with your Wife--but you presently see that if_MINCING _and men of that calibre are to be in this, you cannot, foryour own sake, hold aloof, and so your Visitor soon has his note-bookout._) "Any remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE?A strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to black-beetles--bothof which you still retain? Thank you, _very_ much. And you wereeducated? At Dulborough Grammar School? Just _so_! Never took toLatin, or learned Greek? Commercial aptitudes declaring themselvesthus early--curious, _indeed_! Entered your father's office asclerk? Became a partner? Married your present lady--when? In 1860?Exactly!--and have offspring? Your subsequent life comparativelyuneventful? That will do admirably--infinitely obliged to you, I amsure. It would be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copyof the work, when issued, forwarded to you--we can do it for you atthe very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in advance--a gratifyingpossession for your children after you have gone, Mr. LANE! I _may_put you down? Thank you. For _two_ copies?" (_On second thoughts,you do order two copies; you can send one out to your marriedSister in Australia_--_it will amuse her._) "One, two, three, fourguineas--_quite_ correct, Mr. LANE, and you shall have an earlyopportunity of revising a proof, and we will send down a competentartist, in a day or two, to take the photographs. Quite an agreeablechange in the weather, is it not? _Good_ day!"

[Illustration: "You may have to wait."]

He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the photographer,and the appearance of that great work. _Notable Nonentities ofNorwood_,--and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to waita considerable time.

* * * * *

IAGO ON THE GREAT SERMON QUESTION.

Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public, Is the immediate jewel of their souls. Who steals my _sermon_, steals trash; 'tis something, nothing; 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by dozens; But he who "splits" on me as plagiarist, Robs me of that which is no good to him, And leaves me poor--in credit.

* * * * *

"WHEREVER WE WANDER," &c.--A new book of advice for intendingTravellers has recently been published, entitled, "_Where to Stay_."It is both ornamental and useful; but so much depends on ways andmeans, that, after careful consideration, _Mr. Punch_, when asked"_Where to Stay_," considers the safest answer will always be, "_Athome_."

* * * * *

[Illustration: "CHUCKED!"

["The Bookmakers are in consternation, the Chamber having yesterday (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144, rejected a Bill legalising the _pari mutuel_, and the Government having pledged itself to enforce the law against gambling."--_Times Paris Correspondent_.]

"... Our game here appears to be as decidedly _hup_ as the top of theAwful Tower! Regular mugs, these Mossoos, after all. Thought we _had_taught 'em a bit about _Ler Sport_ by this time: but, bless yer, BOB,once a Pollyvoo, always a Pollyvoo! No Frenchy really hunderstands a'Oss, or knows 'ow to make a Book!

"Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County Councils,dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the Detective bizness intheir own droring-rooms, pooty soon there won't be a safe look in fora party as wants to do a nice little flutter--unless, of course, he'sa Stock-Exchange spekkylator, or a hinvester in South American Mines._Then_ he can plunge, and hedge, and jockey the jugginses as much ashe's a mind to. Wonder how that bloomin' French _Bourse_ 'ud get alongwithout a bit o' the pitch-and-toss barney, as every man as _is_ a manfinds the werry salt of life. Yah! This here Moral game is a gettin'played down too darned low for anythink. And wot's it mean, arter all?Why, 'No Naughtiness, except for the Nobs!' That's about the exactsize of it, and it's blazing beastly, BOB!

"Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mossel o' sense, fur as _I_see. A certain MOSSOO DER KERJEGU, a Republican, too, bless his boko!said as 'races were essential to 'orsebreeding, and that withoutbetting there would be no races.' O.K. you are, MOSSOO DER K.!And then they up and chuck hus Bookies! No bookies, no betting; nobetting, no races; no racing, no 'osses; no 'osses, no nothink! That'show it runs, BOB, or I'm a sossidge!

"But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for anythink. Lookat the kiddish kick-up along o' the visit of the Hempress! Why, if_we_ 'ad that duffer, DEROULEDE, on Newmarket 'Eath, we should justduck him in a 'orsepond, like a copped Welsher. Here they washup him,or else knuckle under to him, like a skeery Coster's missus whenher old man's on the mawl, and feels round arter her ribs with hisbloomin' high-lows. _That's_ yer high-polite French Artists and bravebooky-banishin' Dippyties! Yah!

"'Owsomever, I suppose, BOB, I must clear out of this. MOSSOOCONSTANS, he said, 'if the Bill were carried there would be an end tobookmakers.' And it _was_ carried, by 340 mugs against 144 right 'uns.And arter all me and my sort has done for Parry! It's mean, that'swot it is, BOB. P'raps they'll chuck British _jockeys_ next! Much goodtheir _Grong Pree_, ancetrer, will be _then_, my boy. _Our_ 'osses,_our_ jockeys, _and_ our bookies has bin the making of FrenchSport,--and werrv nice little pickings there's bin out of it take itall round. Wot'll _Ler Hig Life_, and Hart, and Leagues o' Patriots,and miles o' bullyvards, and COOK's Tourists and Awful Towers dofor Parry without _hus_, I wonder? We shall _see_! Ah, Madame _larRepublick_, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your bullyin' jondarms,for chucking o' me afore you're through. As MAT MOPUS put it:--

It was all werry well to dissemble yer love, But wy did yer kick me down-stairs?

Chucked it is, though, and I shall probably see yer next week, BOB.Thanks be, the Flat Season's at 'and! Arter all, there's no placelike 'ome! No!--

'Mid _Boises_ and Bullyvards tho' we may roam, Be it hever so foggy, there's no place _like_ 'ome; A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport there, Wich, look where you will, isn't met with elsewhere. 'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome, Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like 'ome!

"Mean to sing _that_ at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But till then,Ta--ta!!"

[Footnote 1: Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUELSMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other telegramstransmitted by the Post-office Department."]

* * * * *

DESDEMONA TO THE AUTHOR OF "DORIAN GRAY."

(_A PROPOS OF HIS PARAGRAPHIC PREFACE._)

"These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club corner.What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and foolish?"

* * * * *

SOMETHING IN A NAME.--A recent theatrical announcement informed usthat a new comedy would be produced from the pen of a Mr. HENRY DAM.If successful, imagine the audience calling for the Author by name. Ifa triumph, the new dramatist will be known as "The big, big D."

* * * * *

BY A TIRED AND CYNICAL CRITIC OF CURRENT FICTION.

A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen. A School? What's really wanted is a Prison. Life-long confinement far from pen and ink _Might_ cure the crowd of fictionists, I _think_. Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight, Go teach the Novelist how _not_ to write!

* * * * *

ATHLETICS.--It is said that the County Council are resolved to forbidthe popular feats of raising heavy weights, upon the ground that itmay lead to shoplifting.

* * * * *

WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.--_Lady B-ountiful_ first, at the Garrick,and _Lady B-arter_ at the Princess's.

* * * * *

[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS.

_Big Ben_. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP! JUST LOOK AT YOUAND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE _ALWAYS_ TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF,HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE! IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FASTFRIENDS FOR FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND IPOSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT LEFT!"

_Little Dick_ (_dreamily_). "AH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I'VE_NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK AGAIN!_"]

* * * * *

THE FIRST ACT--AND THE LAST.

(_A DEPARTMENTAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._)

ACT I.--_The Scene represents the Interior of a Military InstructionRoom. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced Problems andCalculations in the Higher Mathematics, and various Scientific Chartscover the Walls. Models of mechanical contrivances and machineryused in the construction of complicated Small Arms approved by theAuthorities, are scattered about in every direction._ TOMMY ATKINS_is discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a verylengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture._

_Military Instructor_ (_who has been for an hour and a half explainingthe intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle, finally approachingthe end of his subject_). Well, as I have fully explained before, butmay state once more, so as to firmly impress it on your memory, youwill bear in mind that the cylindrical portion will be shortenedin front, the end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath,and stud on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, asmall keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, whilethe cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed casesor bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by thelocking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the twenty-fourdifferent screws, but, in ease of accident, it will be well to retaintheir various outside thread diameters in your memory, specially notforgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot,and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and.116 of an inch. Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that,if anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you willpractically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you should bethoroughly familiar with the 197 different component items, which,properly adjusted one with the other, make up the whole weapon. Ithink I need not refer again to the "sighting," seeing that the Lewessystem is abolished, and that the weapon is now sighted up to 3,500yards, "dead on," no matter what the wind may be. With this remark,I have much pleasure in placing the rifle in your hands (_gives himone_), at the same time advising you, if called upon to use it in theheat of action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavouredto impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your headcool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have mademyself pretty clear?

_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir!

_Military Instructor_. And there is nothing more you wish to ask me?

_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir!

_Military Instructor_. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you willfind it, what they assure me it is,--a most serviceable weapon.

_Tommy Atkins_ (_saluting_). 'Ees, Sir!

[_Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends._

ACT II.--_The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight)in the immediate neighbourhood of London._ TOMMY ATKINS _and the_Military Instructor _discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap ofthe slain. A European War having broken out suddenly, from which theCountry could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, findingthat it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very fewof these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition providedfor them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while aCommittee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridgefor the new Magazine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple ofpitched battles, though in an outburst of popular fury_, Mr. STANHOPE_is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, Londoncapitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited onby the_ LORD MAYOR, _in the Bank of England._

_Military Instructor_ (_sitting up and rubbing his eyes_). Dear me!we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all.(_Recognising him._) Halloa, ATKINS!

_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir!

_Military Instructor_. You remember all I told you?

_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). 'Ees, Sir!

_Military Instructor_. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceableweapon, after all!

_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir!

_Military Instructor_. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of this!By Jove! it looks like the last Act!

[_Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the Battle-field, the_ Military Instructor _threatening to write to the "Times," and_ TOMMY ATKINS _still grinning as Curtain falls._

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Sylvanus_. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WEMANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!"

_Urbanus_. "OH--ER--YES. BUT HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"]

* * * * *

UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.

["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for ----, feel that he had of fair play if he walked into the Opposition side in a Division?"--_Evening Paper_.]

_F.A.-de-C._ And yet the vacancy thus created would be found astimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that, Sir?

_Col. X._ I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a politician the ideais comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had always done my duty inthe House of Commons! But no, with a view to obtaining this command,I voted against my convictions! I supported the Government in theirproposal to tax perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but Iwas weak and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I couldlive to repair the past.

_Opposition Whip_ (_suddenly springing up from behind a limber a la_HAWKSHAW _the Detective_). It is _not_ too late! Return with me toWestminster forthwith. The Third Reading is down for to-night! Witha special train we shall be in time! You can yet record your vote!

[_Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put permanently on the shelf, from a military point of view!_

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in _Scribner_, for March, isinteresting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to be a charmingpeople; and the Japanese women delightful as wives; but then they canbe divorced for being talkative.

_A propos_ of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA JOKO's capitalillustrations of Hospital Nursing in _The English IllustratedMagazine_, the Matron's room must be "an illigant place, intoirely";while as for amusement, if the picture of a nurse giving a patient acup of ink by mistake for liquorice-water isn't a real good practicalside-splitter, the Baron would like to be informed what is? Then wecome upon a delightful little picture of "_The Pet of the Hospital_";and so she ought to be, for a prettier pet than this nursing Sisterit would be difficult to find. What becomes of her? Does she marry a"Sawbones," or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she must be a "greatattraction," and if anything were to happen to the Baron, and hecouldn't be removed to his own palatial residence, he would say, "Putme in a cab, drive me to the Furniss Hospital, and let me be in PrettyPet's Ward."

The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY McCARTHY's"Pages on Plays" in _The Gentleman's Magazine_. JUSTIN HUNTLYexpresses his opinion that "_The Dancing Girl_ will almost certainlybe the play of the season; it will probably be the principal play ofthe year." "Almost certainly" and "probably" save the situation. TheBaron backs _The Idler_ against _The Dancing Girl_ for a run. In thesame Magazine Mr. ALBERT FLEMING has condensed into a short story,called _Sally_, material that would have served some authors for athree-volume novel.

It is a pleasure for the Baron to be in perfect accord on any onepoint with the Author of _Essays in Little_, and in proportion tothe number of the points so is the Baron's pleasure intensified. Mostintending readers of these Essays, on taking up the book, would beless curious to ascertain what ANDREW LANG has to say about HOMERand the study of Greek, about THEODORE BE BANVILLE, THOMAS HAYNESBAYLEY, the Sagas, and even about KINGSLEY, than to read his opinionson DICKENS and THACKERAY, placing DICKENS first as being the morepopular. The Baron recommends his friends, then, to read these Essaysof ANDREW's, beginning with THACKERAY, then DICKENS; do not, on anyaccount, omit the delightfully written and truly appreciative articleon CHARLES LEVER; after which, go as you please, but finish with "_thelast fashionable novel_," wherein our M.A., in his Merriest-Andrewestmood, treats us to an excellent parody.

The Baron has appointed an extra Reader, and this Extra-OrdinaryReader to the Baron has just entered upon the discharge of his dutiesby reading _Monte Carlo, and How to Do It_, by W.F. GOLDBERG, andG. CHAPLIN PIESSE (J.W. ARROWSMITH). He reports in the followingterms to his loved Chief:--This book achieves the task of combiningextraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipiddulness--not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of low slangand dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume themselves on theirmarvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo, which, with their usualsprightly facetiousness, they call "Charley's Mount." They are goodenough to tell such of the travelling public as may want to get there,that the train leaving Victoria at 8.40 A.M. reaches Dover at 10.35.Stupendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the steamer(Ugh!), instead of waiting until they reached Calais, where thereis the best restaurant on any known line. Instead of going by the_Ceinture_, they drove across Paris. The greenhorns arrive at MonteCarlo, and then settle on their quarters. Anyone but an idiot wouldhave settled all this, and much more, beforehand. One gentlemanlygreenhorn, who wishes us to think that "_il connait son Paris_," talksof "suppers of Bignon's" (which must be some entirely new dish),and informs us that, "at the Hotel de l'Athenee, the staff esteem itrather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language, to grinand snigger when sworn at in English." Oh, sweet and swearing Britishgreenhorn! now I know why the French so greatly love our countrymen.But why, oh why do you imagine that you have discovered Monte Carlo?For the details of the journey, and the instructions to futureexplorers, are set out with a painful minuteness which not evenSTANLEY could rival. As for Monaco, dear, restful, old-fashioned,picturesque Monaco, whither the visitor climbs to escape fromthe glare and noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses itscornfully, as having "no interest." How much does this ten-per-centerwant? He "waggles along the Condamine;" he mixes with many whoare "pebble-beached;" he speaks of his intimates as "Pa," "TheCoal-Shunter," "Ballyhooly," &c., and declares of the French soldierthat "the short service forty-eight-day men don't have a veryunkyperdoodlum time of it." There's wit for you, there's elegance!Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically eloquent on the subject offleas, throws in such lucid expressions as "chin music," "gives himbiff," "his craft is thusly," and, altogether, proves himself andhis fellow-explorer to be a couple of the slangiest and most foolishgreenhorns who ever put pen to any sort of paper. I can imaginethe readers who enjoy their stuff. Dull, swaggering, blatant,gin-absorbing, red-faced Cockneys, who masquerade as sportsmen,and chatter oaths all day. "Ditto to you," says the Baron to hisExtra-Ordinary Reader, and backs his opinion with his signature,

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

* * * * *

MORE IBSENITY!

[Illustration]

Dear EDITOR,--Noticing that the author of _The Doll's House_ was tohave another morning, or, to use an equally suitable epithet, mourningperformance devoted to his works, I made up my mind, after bracingup my nerves, to attend it. The 23rd of February (the date of theproposed function) as the second Monday in Lent, seemed to me, too,distinctly appropriate. By attending the performance--IBSEN recommendsself-execution--I sentenced myself to three hours and a half ofboredom, tempered with disgust. I cannot help feeling that whatevermy past may have been, the penance paid to wipe it out was excessive,and therefore rendered it unnecessary that I should attend a secondperformance announced for last week.

_Rosmershoelm_ is in four Acts and one Scene--a room in _Rosmer's_House. Act I. _Rector Kroll_, who is the brother-in-law of _PastorRosmer_, calls upon the latter, to ask him to edit a paper in theConservative interest. _Kroll_ (who, by the way, is a married man)before seeing the widower of his dead sister, has a mild flirtationwith _Rebecca West_, a female of a certain age, who has taken up herabode for some years in the Rector's house. And here I may observethat the Rector's housekeeper, _Madame Helseth_, presumably a highlyrespectable person, although she has excellent reasons, from thefirst, for believing that the relations between her Master and_Rebecca_ are scarcely platonic, accepts the domestic arrangements ofthe Rosmer _menage_ with hearty acquiescence, not to say enthusiasm._Rosmer_ interrupts the Rector's _tete-a-tete_ with the fascinating_Rebecca_, and declines the proffered editorship, because he is aRadical, and an atheist. End of Act I.,--no action to speak of, buta good deal of wordy twaddle. In Act II. we learn that the late _Mrs.Rosmer_ has committed suicide, because she was informed that theapostate Pastor could only save his villainy from exposure by givingimmediately the position of wife to her friend _Rebecca_. She has hadthis tip on the most reliable authority,--it has been furnished by_Rebecca_ herself. Then the Pastor asks _Rebecca_ to marry him, butis refused, for no apparent reason, unless it be that she has tiredof her guilty passion. In Act III. _Rebecca_ admits to the widower andhis brother-in-law that she has deceived the deceased, and preparesto decamp. In the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he hasbeen in love with _Rebecca_ from the first, loves her now, but is notsure that she loves him. To set his mind at rest on this point, willshe do him a small favour? Will she be so good as to jump into themill-stream, and drown herself? With pleasure--and she takes a header!He explains that courtesy forbids him to keep a lady waiting, andfollows her example! So both are drowned, and all ends happily!

And this is the plot! And what about the characters? _Rebecca_ ismerely a hysterical old maid, who would have been set right, inthe time of the Tudors, with a sound ducking; and nowadays, hadshe consulted a fashionable physician, she would have been probablyordered a sea-voyage, and a diet free from stimulants. The Pastor isa feeble, fickle fool, who seemingly has had but one sensible idea inhis life. He has believed his wife to be mad, and, considering thatshe married him, his faith in the matter rested upon evidence of anentirely convincing nature. The _Rector Kroll_ is a prig and a boreof the first water. When he discovers _Rebecca's_ perfidy, he suggeststhat she may have inherited her proneness for treachery from herfather--and, to her distressed astonishment, he gives the name of agentleman, not hitherto recognised by her as a parent! The best linein the piece, to my mind--and it certainly "went with a roar"--is aquestion of the housekeeper--answered in the negative--"Have you everseen the Pastor laugh?" Laugh! with such surroundings! Pretentioustwaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it less idiotic. And_so_ dull!

As a theatre-goer for more than a quarter of a century, I dislikeundue severity, and am consequently glad to find my opinion isshared by others. "SCRUTATOR," the Dramatic Critic of _Truth_, wrotelast week--"The few independent persons who have sat out a play byIBSEN, be it _The Doll's House_, or _The Pillars of Society_, or_Rosmershoelm_, have said to themselves. 'Put this stuff before theplaygoing public, risk it at an evening theatre, remove your _claque_,exhaust your attendance of the socialist and the sexless, and then seewhere your IBSEN will be.' I have never known an audience that caredto pay to be bored, and the over-vaunted _Rosmershoelm_ bored even theIbsenites." I only hope it did, for they deserve their martyrdom!I believe that you personally, my dear Editor, have never seen adramatic performance of the "Master's" work. I wish I could say asmuch, and I shall be surprised if you do not appreciate the feeling,after you too have partaken of this truly Lenten fare. Yourssincerely,

ONE WHO LIKES IBSEN--AT A DISTANCE.

* * * * *

STRIKING TIMES.

NEW VERSION OF AN OLD STREET BALLAD.

(_BY A LABOURING ELECTOR._)

Cheer up, cheer up, you sons of toil, and listen to my song. The times should much amuse you; you are up, and going strong. The Working Men of England at length begin to see That _their_ parsnips for to butter now the Parties all agree.

_Chorus._

_It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way,_ _And their prospect of obtaining it grows brighter every day!_

This is the time for striking, lads; at least, it strikes me so. Monopoly has had some knocks, and under it must go. NORWOOD we licked; LIVESEY licked us; his was an artful plan; But luck now turns. Ask JOHNNY BURNS, and also TOMMY MANN!

_Chorus_--It's high time, &c.

It isn't "Agitators" now, but Parties and M.P.'s, Who swear we ought to have our way, and do as we darn please. Upon my word it's proper fun! A man should love his neighbour; Yet Whigs hate Tories, Tories Whigs; but oh! they _all_ love _Labour_!

_Chorus_--It's high time, &c.

There's artful JOEY CHAMBERLAIN, he _looks_ as hard as nails, But when he wants to butter _us_, the Dorset never fails; He lays it on so soft and slab, not to say thick and messy. He _couldn't_ flummerify us more were each of us a JESSE!

Comrades, it makes me chortle. The Election's drawing nigh, And Eight Hours' Bills, or anything, they'll _promise_ for to try. They'll spout and start Commissions; but, O mighty Labouring Host, Mind your eye, and keep it on them, or they'll have you all on toast!

_Chorus._

_It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way._ _They'll strain their throats,--you mind your votes, and you may find it pay!_

* * * * *

WILDE FLOWERS.

Some other fellow, in the _P.M.G._, has been beforehand with us inspotting "A Preface to _Dorian Gray_," by our OSCAR WILDE-r thanever, in this month's _Fortnightly. Dorian Gray_ was published someconsiderable time ago, so it belongs to ancient history, and now,after this lapse of time, out comes the preface. And this "preface"occupies the better part, I use this expression in all courtesy, oftwo pages; which two pages represent a literary flowerbed, where rowsof bright asterisks are planted between lines of brilliant aphorisms.The rule of the arrangement seems to be.--"when in doubt, plantasterisks." _Sic itur ad astra._ The garden is open to all, let uscull; here one and there one. "_To reveal Art and conceal the Artist,is Art's aim._" Is there not in this the scent of "_Ars est celareartem_"? "Art" includes "the Artist," of course. Then "_Puris omniapura_" is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, if I mistakenot. St. PAUL's advice to TIMOTHY is engrafted on to the stalk ofanother aphorism. "Why lug in TIMOTHY?" Well, to "adapt" Scripture toone's purpose is not to quote it. _Vade retro!_ Do we not recognisesomething familiar in "_When Critics disagree the Artist is in accordwith himself?_"

But after it is all done, and the little flower-show is over, thenarises the despairing cry of our own cherished OSCAR. It is in the_Last of the Aphorisms_; after which, exhausted, he can only sign hisname, fling away the goose-quill, and then sink back in his luxuriousarm-chair exhausted with the mental efforts of years concentrated intothe work of one short hour. Ah! "_La plupart des livres d'a presentont l'air d'avoir ete faits en un jour avec des livres lus de laveille._" Ask Messrs. ROCHEFOUCAULD, CHAMFORT, RIVAROL, and JEANMORLE. "_Ai! Ai! Papai! Papai!_ Phillaloo! Murther in Irish!" Letus be natural, or shut up shop. Yet there is a chance,--to besupernatural. The great Pan is dead, so there is a seat vacant amongthe gods, open to any aspirant for immortality. "_All Art is quiteuseless!_" cries OSCAR WILDE-ly. And has it come to this? "Is thisthe Hend?" Yes, this is his last word--for the present. Pan is dead!_Vive_ Pannikin!

* * * * *

[Illustration: "CES AUTRES."

(HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.)

_Captain Bergamot_. "ARE ANY OF YOUR BROTHERS IN THE SERVICE, MISS DEBULLION?"

_Miss de Bullion_. "YES; ONE IN THE GUARDS, AND--A--" (_withdisgust_)--"THE REST IN THE COMMON ARMY, YOU KNOW."]

* * * * *

"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"

A SONG OF SYMPATHY.

(_SOME WAY AFTER A CELEBRATED BOATING SONG._)

["Sir HENRY PARKES concluded by declaring that if the Colonies continued separate they must become hostile communities, and, in order that they might prevent that, it was for the whole people to join in creating one great Union Government."--REUTER.]

Mr. LEO BRITANNICUS, _an Old Blue, and a sympathetic on-looker,loquitur_:--

Pheugh! How old memory rushes Over me!--Pulled indeed! Though LEO seldom gushes, And these be of LEO's breed, The blood of an Old Blue flushes At the Young Blues' power and speed!

Coach them, or patronise them? Nay, I've no call for that. To cheer them, not to advise them, I'm on this path,--that's pat! Affection admiringly eyes them:-- Once in a boat I sat!

Pulled my weight at a pinch, For odds cared never a "cuss;" No stern-chase caused me to flinch, But--always detested fuss. Strain the last ounce, and inch! Races are won, boys, _thus_!

Look a most likely lot, Lionlets lithe and young. Pace? They will make it hot. Few can have feathered and swung Better. Tall talk is rot; But, hang it! I _must_ give tongue!

There's "Queensland" and "New South Wales," "Australia South" and "West," "Victoria,"--each one scales Good weight, and with girth of chest; "New Zealand's" zeal prevails, He'll swing in time with the rest.

The hero born of Thetis Had pluck enow. What then? Each hero here, whose meat is "Hard steak and harder hen," As stalwart and as fleet is As the Greek first of men!

"Stroke" sets it long and steady; _That_ gladdens a true Old Blue. There's nothing hot and heady In sturdy Number Two. There are coxens sharp and ready In the Land of the Kangaroo!

Go it, lads! Swing together! Push elders from their stools? Pooh! _I_ shall moult no feather; Old boys are not always old fools. Out upon jealous blether! You've learnt in the best of schools.

I want to see you win, lads; Old LEO loves his cubs. If cynics growl or grin, lads, We'll drive them back to their tubs. Do you think my blood's so thin, lads, I'd diet upon cold snubs?

Will someone gifted with the _nous_, Explain the "why" of Spinning House? Is it to strike with wholesome fear The thoughtless Maiden whose career Looks like a sinning one? And thus the Judge her conscience wakes, Since he, when passing sentence, takes Good care to name a _Spinning_ one? Or is it that in such a habitation, Herself a spinster more at home might feel; And in a Spinning House find occupation, Provided with a decent spinning-wheel; But there,--no matter whence it came, Or what's the meaning hidden in its name, About its destination there's no fear; And judging from a noted recent case, The Spinning House will,--it is pretty clear,-- Itself be soon sent spinning into space.

* * * * *

"Is a husband worth having?" asks _Woman_. One reply would be, "Well,that depends on whose husband it is." But, by the way, this view wasnot under consideration.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"

BRITISH LION. "BRAVO, BOYS!--SWING TOGETHER!!"]

* * * * *

A WILD WELCOME.

February's reign of gloom Out of mind and sight is, Noonday darkness of the tomb, Carbon and bronchitis.

Though the air is keen and chill, Cloudy though the skies are, Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill, Free from smart our eyes are.

Bursting on the lengthening day Bellows March the Viking, "I have blown the fogs away; Is this to your liking?"

Yes, thy voice o'er moor and mead Sets the spirits bounding, Like the Major's chartered steed At the trumpet's sounding.

Welcome, roaring moon of dust, Welcome, Spring's reviver; On the race again we must Risk the wonted fiver;

Fields are showing brighter green, Early buds are shooting; On the early youth is seen The new season's suiting.

Long it is since sparrows shrill With their chirping woke us; There is one with busy bill Worrying a crocus.

How they love the flow'r of spring-- Never can resist it; What a graceful little thing-- Bother, I have miss'd it!

Now the wind along the plain Comes with roar and clatter-- There, my hat is off again! Let it go--no matter.

'Tis but little we can do For thy bounty's measure-- Sacrifice a hat or two? Forty hats, with pleasure.

* * * * *

KENSINGTON GARDENS SMALL TALK.

_FROM THE RAILWAY IMPROVEMENT PHRASE-BOOK._

That Nursery-maid with the three children and the perambulator willcertainly get run over by the train if she stands there gossiping withthe man in the signal-box.

That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown its riderthis morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing engine.

So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the Gardens,and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm that has taken thecontract for the making of the new line.

Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching right acrossthe Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable hatch-houses, puffingsteam-cranes, and processions of mud-carts, rather interfere with thebeauty and tranquillity of the place, but one must really bear in mind_that it is, after all, only to last for live years._

Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under thatluggage-train.

It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget theinestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public being able toget from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for twopence.

* * * * *

QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.--No man has a vote until he has attained hismajority. How about some districts where they are nearly all Miners?

* * * * *

MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER.

(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._)

NO. II.--DON JUAN SENIOR.

To share with men the prandial gloom Of union forced that fatal custom Decrees to wither "youth and bloom," (The phrase is from _Sohrab and Rustum_) I've suffered boredom to the full; Professors dull--of Hindostani! Dull wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull-- He wasn't dull--was Don GIOVANNI.

A widower _feted_ far and wide, The jauntiest Rake who drinks the waters, Smartest of "smart" vulgarians, pride And terror of his decent daughters; _Old_ Don GIOVANNI, fraught with warm Flirtations, free to fling his cash on The dining Duchess, "mould of form!" Antique, good-looking "glass of fashion."

[Illustration]

He gossiped how the Viscount bets (Some heiress he must really "pick up"), How noble dames smoke cigarettes And noble heels in ballets kick up. How "H.R.H."--_n'importe!_ my friend Experience shows me that the _laches_ Of such as air these letters tend In the direction of their "H"'s.

He chatted next of German Spas, Of Continental, English "P.B.'s," And how our matchmaking Mammas Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes, How he with Royalties had graced The latest function--genial patrons-- While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced Before the virtuous British matrons.

And then his compliments began To rain like drops of Frangipanni, A most insinuating man He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI. You felt, if you could half believe, You'd but to word a whim to find it, You quite forgot he owned a sleeve, And several teeth to laugh behind it.

MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is proposedto construct a new Tubercular Railway between England and France.

* * * * *

SONGS BY A CYNIC.

LOVE.

What's Love, and all that Love can bring, Youth's earliest illusion: What tender words _she_ used to sing, And blush with sweet confusion. How you would hang upon each word, When under spells of Cupid; When half she said was most absurd, And all extremely stupid.

You loved her for her hair of gold. Unwitting that she dyed it; She vowed her love could ne'er grow cold, Though Time had never tried it. Your worship came to such a pass, That, when you calmly view it, You feel you were an utter ass, Though then you never knew it.

What happened? Why, the usual thing: While round her you would linger, Her love was fragile as the ring You bought to grace her finger. She went off with another man, And so you had to sever: Thus women since the world began Have done, and will do ever.

* * * * *

REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER.

I revelled at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up to afestival called "_The Coming Race_." I was there at the opening onThursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE, attended by her husband,Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared the Bazaar open. A gay andfestive scene. Here, there, and everywhere, Egyptian houses madeof cardboard, containing stalls full of the most useful articlesimaginable. On the dais, a number of sweet-faced ladies presentingpurses (containing L3 3s. and upwards) to the Princess, who receivedthem with an affability which won the hearts of all beholders. On thefloor of the building was a gaily-dressed throng, which included manya distinguished person. The revelry continued for three days, and was,I trust, the means of obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt,is most deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so muchat the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere else.

* * * * *

FETE OR FATE?

OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH.

(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN IMPRESSIONIST._)

Lights and bouquets--flush and flare-- Motley medley--splash affair-- Deft disguises--flute and fife-- Half the world without his wife-- Dominos, and masks, and faces-- Graces three--and three Disgraces. Jacks-in-boxes--tambour-majors-- Janes in office--ancient stagers-- REYNOLDS' Duchess--Shepherdesses; (Burlington) Arcadian tresses-- Primrose damsels,--clowns and follies,-- Organ-grinders--Flemish dollies-- Macaronis, rather muddy, Of the central stud a study-- England's mashers, Afric's dark sons-- NATHAN's stock-in-trade and CLARKSON's-- All costumes not apt the back to, Some of them inclined to crack too-- Martyred revellers in upper Rooms, and singing for their supper. Bright confusion--many a mad hunt-- Five o'clock--_and wish I hadn't._

* * * * *

SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.--Revival of _Charlesthe First_!!! (at the Lyceum).

GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT.--_Mr. Punch_, Perpetual UniversalGrand Past, Present, and Future Master, congratulates H.R.H., GrandMaster of English Freemasons, on his plucky and straightforward actionwith regard to the G.M. of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who,having contravened the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878,may now exclaim, in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in somegreat Wilderness!" "for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the oncefrequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was _not_Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!"

* * * * *

RECIPROCITY.--"MACE," in _The Illustrated London News_, says,sweepingly:--"No Under-Secretary ever has any opinion of hisown." Perhaps that is why the Public seldom has any opinion of anUnder-Secretary!

[Illustration: AMERICAN "COPYRIGHT BILL" IN A NEW PART.

"DIE, VILLAIN!"

"The extinction of literary piracy in America has beendecreed."--_Times Leader, March 5._]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, March 2._--Navy Estimates on to-night.Millions of money to be voted, and only fourteen Members present. One,it is true, is HARCOURT; so perhaps the most accurate enumeration ofthe aggregate would be fifteen.

"_Que diable allait-il faire dans ce_ jolly-boat?" GEORGE HAMILTONasks, pausing for a moment in his incessant occupation of tearing upstrips of paper to glance across table at portly figure reclining onFront Opposition Bench. Several Admirals and Captains have spoken.Members generally have fled the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY'ssense of duty to his Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight;but CASABIANCA HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for theOld Salts descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pityingtoleration with which he listens. Doesn't _say_ they're all wrong, butsmiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating COLOMB falters when,glancing round the great gaps of empty Benches opposite, his eye fallson HARCOURT.

"Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one hadcontradicted him, "that during the period that has elapsed sincecommencement of the present reign, the revenue of the United Kingdomhas increased only one-and-a-half times, while that of the outlyingEmpire has multiplied five-fold."

General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every departmentof human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought that at least heknew nothing about the Navy. But he does; knows more than AdmiralFIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose anddelivered slashing speech, laying low the Reverberating COLOMB asif he had been set up in the Place Vendome; reviewing the BritishFleet in masterly style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sightingJerusalem and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the FirstLord of the Admiralty.

[Illustration: Something more than his full height.]

"Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more than hisfull height, "that's the most remarkable exhibition I ever heard,even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our side. HOWORTH knowsa thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking in accomplishment; butfor versatility, for profundity of knowledge, for readiness ofgrasp, whether the object be a lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of theExchequer's ledger, the hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship,give me HARCOURT."

_Business done_.--Committee on the Navy Estimates.

_Tuesday_.--WOLMER asked OLD MORALITY what about the Fog? Couldn'tsomething be done to lighten it, say by appointment of RoyalCommission? OLD MORALITY beamed across House upon his young friendwith expression of almost paternal solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of theallied force. What did he mean by suddenly springing this question onthe First Lord of the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye?Had it something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of theUnion?

CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring straight intospace with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON, with hat cunninglytipped over eyes, hid what secret may have lain far in their pelluciddepths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly absorbed in the brown gaitershe has recently added to the graces of his personal appearance, inpathetic admission that the natural charms of youth are at lengthfading.

Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the Unionreally was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden behind thesmiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The only thing todo, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD MORALITY, was tomeet guile with guile. WOLMER's question, plain enough as it appearedin print on the prosaic Orders, was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministersconsider the advisability of appointing a Royal Commission to examineand report how far the evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated bylegislation?"

"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to assure myNoble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in common with otherinhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely sensible of the seriousinjury, disturbance, and hardship inflicted by the increasingprevalence of fog. What, it may be asked, is the cause of the Londonfog? These fogs, which occur generally in the winter time, areoccasioned thus: some current of air, being suddenly cooled, descendsinto the warm streets, forcing back the smoke in a mass towards theearth. But, my Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs everynight? I will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty'sGovernment have nothing to hide, or, I may add, to conceal. Our wishis to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of theHouse they sit. Fogs--this I have no hesitation in stating--do notsupervene without intermission on successive nights, because the airwill always hold in solution a certain quantity of vapour which variesaccording to its temperature, and when the air is not saturated,it may be cooled without parting with its vapour. Yes, I know.My Right Hon. Friend, the Member for West Birmingham, with hisusual acumen--which I am sure we all recognise--asks me, In whatcircumstances do fogs occur at night? I am much obliged to him forreminding me of the point. Fogs happen at night, when the air hasbeen saturated with vapour during the day. When this is the case, itdeposits some of its superabundant moisture in the form known in ruraldistricts--as my Hon. Friend, the Member for the Bordesley Division,is well aware--as dew. In the Metropolis it is more familiar as fog.This process of deposition commences as soon as the capacity of theair for holding vapour is lessened by the coldness of advancing night.I think I have now answered the question of my Noble Friend fully,and, I trust, frankly. He will, I am sure, upon consideration,see that this is not a matter with which a Royal Commission couldbe expected successfully to cope, and, therefore, I may add, HerMajesty's Government do not, after full consideration of their dutyto the QUEEN and Country, think it desirable to adopt the suggestionthrown out by my Noble Friend."

[Illustration: Feeling his Way through the Fog.]

BRAMSTON BEACH's face during this subtle discourse a study; remainedvery quiet for rest of sitting; told me at ten minutes to eleven hethought he was beginning to grasp OLD MORALITY's meaning. "Yes," headded, with more cheerfulness, "I'm feeling my way through the fog."

_Thursday_.--In Lords to-night, three white figures fluttered downgently on to red Benches, like virgin flakes of snow. But, unlikesnow, they didn't melt. On close examination, turned out to be threenew Bishops; two of them old friends, with new titles.

"Like _Bottom_, translated," BRAMWELL growls.

Dr. MAGEE, walking out Bishop of Peterborough, comes back Archbishopof York. The ceremony of their installation not nearly so comic asthat of ordinary Peers of Parliament. Garter King-at-Arms does notappear; nor Black Rod; nor is there any game of Follow-my-leader roundthe Benches.

"No, no," said the MARKISS, who Mr. G. quite unjustly says has nostrain of reverence in his disposition, "that would never do. Must becareful with our Bishops."

[Illustration: The Inflammable Liquor Bill.]

So the three new-comers, having paid their respects to theLORD-CHANCELLOR, straightway took their seats on the Episcopal Bench,folded their hands over their surpliced knees, and lent an added airof peace and purity to the precincts.

"ATKINSON's a good fellow," said DENMAN. "Have sometimes thought analliance between him and me, a sort of coalition between two estatesof the realm, might work great things. But I'm beginning to loseconfidence in him. At certain periods of the lunar month he's toocomprehensive in his legislative ambition. Why wasn't he contentwith his Muffin-Bell Bill? Why drag in the Dowager? These Dowagers,dear TOBY, have, if I may say so--using the phrase strictly inParliamentary sense--got their arms round the neck of my friendATKINSON, and will pull him down. It's a pity, for I think, betweenus, we could have put things straight generally."

_Business done_.--Navy Estimates in Commons.

_Friday_.--PHILIPPE EGALITE very rarely troubles House with orderedspeech. A good deal on his mind looking after JACOBY, and keepingthe Party straight. But his silence doesn't arise from incapacity tospeak. This shown to-night in his speech on Railway Rates and Charges.Full of good matter, admirably delivered. After this, Dr. CLARKproposed to discuss Home Rule; but House didn't seem to care aboutit particularly. So at Half-past Eight was Counted Out. This was thechief _Business done_.

* * * * *

THE FINE YOUNG GERMAN EMPEROR.

(_A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE._)

I'll sing to you a brand new song, made by a modern pate, Of a fine young German Emperor, an Oracle of State, Who kept up his autocracy at the bountiful old rate, With the aid of Socialism for the poor men at his gate; This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time.

His ancestors had "kept their fingers on the pulse of time" (He said), and he'd do ditto in a fashion more sublime; For, as BACON said of Nature, he who'd rule her must obey. And that with modern "tendency," is the new imperial way, Of this fine young German Emperor, &c.

He'd "mastered the new Spirit," which (how kind!) "he'd not oppose." Social reform or Education _he_'d not treat as foes, But keep step with the "Tendencies" which else might trip his toes, And thus he'd "head the movement," and would lead it (by the nose?), This fine young German Emperor, &c.

Now surely this is better far than all the old parade Of tyranny in mufti, and of greed in masquerade; And of this young German Emperor, whatever may be said, Or of his new vagaries, you'll allow _he knows his trade_, Does this fine young German Emperor, &c.

There were some who did not like it,--there are always such, one knows, Who Ancient Order patronise, and Modern Style oppose. Particularly one Old Man, who plainly did not see Laying down his long-held power, and submitting tranquilly To this fine young German Emperor, &c.

_He_ was no CINCINNATUS, and he did not love the plough, So he talked, inspired the Papers, and, in fact, roused lots of row. For this man of Blood and Iron, when thus laid upon the shelf, Found that long control of others did _not_ mean control of self, _Or_ this fine young German Emperor, &c.

Then this fine young German Emperor, who aims to lead the dance, Has a very trying _vis-a-vis_, that fractious dame, _La France_, To keep step with that lady, without treading on her train, Would tax Terpsichore herself; _he_ finds the effort vain; Does this fine young German Emperor, &c.

So this fine young German Emperor has got a stiffish task, That all his strength will occupy, and all his tact will task. Let us wish him patriot wisdom, _and_ respect for Elder Fame, And then he'll give his country peace, and leave a noble name, This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time!

* * * * *

A ROUGH CROSSING.

That military-looking gentleman, with his arm in a sling, and his headcovered with bandages, has, I suppose, just returned from fighting theDacoits in Upper Burmah?

I certainly _am_ surprised when you inform me that he has only triedto cross a London street in a fog.

Do you really mean to say that the vehicle that just thundered past attwenty miles an hour, in the mist, was _not_ a fire-engine, but only acovered Van?

Yes, I believe it _is_ a fact that special beds in all the Hospitalsare now reserved for Van-victims.

Of course it is difficult for a man in the Van to look to the Rear;still he need not swoop down on pedestrians quite so much like ahighwayman, saying, "Your collar-bone or your life!"

If things go on as they are now doing, every covered Van will have tocarry its own Surgeon and ambulance about with it.

What is that crowd for, and why is somebody shouting angrily? Oh, Isuppose the old gentleman, who has been run over by the Coal-waggonand is lying bleeding on the asphalte, is remonstrating with thedriver?

What? Can it really be the case that the driver is abusing the oldgentleman for his stupidity in getting in his way?

I _have_ heard that the Insurance Companies now insert in theirpolicies a condition forbidding the crossing of any street in London,except under police escort.

And, finally, as nearly six thousand persons were run down in thestreets of the Capital last year, is it not almost time that somethingwere done to check the Van Mazeppa-Juggernaut in his wild career?

* * * * *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in nocase be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and AddressedEnvelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.