For the life of me, I can not understand my life. I do, but I don't. I understand the part were I work, pay my bills and kiss my wife. I get all that, and the reasons behind them. It's the other part of my life I don't get. My want, need, to wear diapers, that has me sitting, thinking and confused. Why? Why diapers? Why not being tied up, or shoes or anything besides diapers. Well almost anything. It is the only question in my life that I can not even find the smallest hint of what caused this passion to rise. It seems to me, that one day, suddenly in my head I wanted to wear a diaper, and that is it. That is all I have. Many others, who share my passion, have various reasons, abuse, bedwetting, ECT. But I have none of those. My wife says I should just enjoy it, allow myself the freedom too be young again, and I do, to a point. But it always ends the same, full of self hatred and loathing for a "normal" life. It's strange you know, because even as I look for answers to my own passion, I almost always hate those that share the same one. I try talking to them, on forum boards and chat rooms. Mostly there nice people, normal people, but I know what makes them happy, and me so sad, and I hate them for it. Shallow I know, but I, ill make no excuses it's just shallow.

My real story starts off with a simple visit to a small white building, Victorian style, old windows. Inside there is a waiting room, a bit drafty, from the cold fall, with various couches. The old pale walls are covered with abstract paintings, and a couple of degrees. I always wondered why psychologist, or any doctor for that matter, hung degrees in plain sight. Is it a matter of pride, or something else? Anyways. My psychologist is a woman. I could never bring myself to admit my passion to another male, so a woman it is. She is older than me, in her fifties; she has short gray hair, glasses, and dresses professionally. I follow her to a small office, which seems to keep in step with the waiting room in décor. I take a seat on a black leather couch sinking into the seat, while she sits across from me in a brown leather chair with oak trim. Before she begins I know I don't want to be here, it is my wife's idea. She insists it can help me, but I am not sure.

"So Mr. Ashby" She starts with a smile.

"Please call me James" I said.

"Alright James." She scribbles on her paid of yellow legal paper "What brings you here?" She asked

"Well" I rubbed the back of my head intensely. I had only told one soul, in person, about my passion, and that was my wife. It was a hard thing too do, and it was hard for her to accept, but I guess this is different. I mean she is a stranger too me. But what if I run for president one day and she doesn't like my politics, she could ruin my chances.

"James?" Her voice brought me back from my thoughts.

"Yes?"

"Do you remember the question I just asked you?" She looked in at me.

"Yes I do, why am I here? Right." She nodded "I am just thinking of how to put it, in words."

"Take all the time you need," She replied. Maybe I could use all the time, just sit her silently for an hour, than I could go home to my wife, and say I went, but I couldn't think of a thing to say. That would go over real well, she probably drag me back here with her next week. I don't want that.

"Ok" I said breaking the silence "Now this is going to sound fucked up, excuses me, messed up"

"I don't mind if you swear" she said

"Oh well thank you, but I've been trying to cut back. You know be more sociable acceptable."

"Is that something that worries you?"

"Yes, oh god yes, you know if there was a club of being social acceptable I would join, I'd be a life time member."

"Interesting" She stated, which in part threw me off, what did she mean?

"What is?"

"Oh nothing, thinking aloud." She said.

"Oh, well, yes being accepted by everyone is extremely important to me." I thought for a second "But I think everyone does, its not strange right?"

"Well everyone wants to be accepted on some level."

"Exactly and I want to be accepted one every level." I said

"Have you always wanted acceptance?"

I scratched my head and thought for a moment.

"No. As a matter of fact when I was in high school, I was just the opposite, I keep very few friends, and was sort of a punk, you know fuck the world attitude. Than I wanted to be anything but normal"

"Normal?" She asked

"We'll, not normal, just what I perceived as normal. Like going to football games and dressing nicely, and such. I wanted to different. Which is ironic in a way because I think a majority of people wanted the same thing."

"So in being different, you where being normal?"

"I guess, on a psychological way. I think." She started writing into her little legal pad, as I reviewed what I had just said aloud in my head.

"What do you do for a living?" She asked.

"I am a senior executive at a cable company."

"How nice" She said

"Pays the bills."

"You're not happy with your job?"

"No, I am, did I imply I wasn't because that couldn't be farther from the truth. I love the office, my office. Its has a nice window, and I had some guy come in a decorate it rather tastefully, so it is both warming, yet boss like. Kind of a balance. And don't even get me started on office parties."

She smiled and wrote on her pad.

"What are you writing?" I asked.

"Just some thoughts" She said, like it was no concern for me.

"So when you made this appointment you said there was an issue you wanted to discuss that had been bothering you, do you feel like sharing it?" she asked.

"Damn it" I thought, I was on a roll with that other shit I was hoping to we would both forget.

"Yes, that is true." I cleared my throat "Dry in here" Than I began to trying to hack up a tickle in my throat,

"You want water" She asked, staring at my strange attack of dry mouth. I nodded. She walked to a small fridge next to her desk, and pulled out a bottle of Poland spring water. She handed to me, and began to drink as she sat back down crossing her legs. I nodded as I sipped the water.

"Good water" I said "Clears you up."

She smiled. I sat the bottle on the edge of a small glass table that sat between us.

"DO you want me to pay for that?"

"No, it is fine."

"That's nice, to give away water to people. I mean it isn't tap water, its Poland spring, that is some good water." I was now engaged in totally avoidance of any topic other than water.

"How much does that water cost?" I asked

"I am not sure, my husband buys it in bulk" She said, with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"Oh so your married?"

"Twenty years" she spoke.

"You see, that is something I like to see, a marriage that last long. Good old fashion marriage. Good for you." She smiled.

"James, I think you are trying to avoid talking"

"Shit" I thought "I should have stuck to water, marriage what did I know about marriage. I've only been married for three years.

"Oh no, I wasn't, I just was saying how nice it was you were married for so long. My parents were married also. They still are, though I am not sure how long."

"James, look at me" My eyes locked with hers.

"Why are you here?"

I took a deep breath, I wanted to get over this passion, or at least learn how to live with it, and it was time for me to step up. I knew what I had to do.

I sat in the bar, it was quite, various people talked about things, and I don't know what. I was sipping my soda, thinking. Maybe I should have just said I like Diapers, instead of knocking over the table, running out of the room, and driving like hell to this Bar. I don't even drink, but it seemed like where I wanted to be right now. With other self haters drinking away there life's.

"Ill take a soda, coke please." I said to the bar tender. I looked around at all the others, mostly they where smiling and laughing, but I knew inside they where lost just like me. I knew there pain. The bartender set down my coke in front of me, and I began to sip it, when my cell phone rang. It was my wife.

"Katie, Hun, how are you"

"Hey, how was the doctors?" Why did she have to ask about that first? What about the day I was having. Or how my car was running. No right for the jugular with her.

"Yes I did go, but you know what, she was racist. And I couldn't sit there and be lectured about the coming war between the races.

"James shut up."

"Ok"

"Where are you now?"

"A bar"

"You don't drink."

"I drink soda. That's a drink."

"Just come home. I want to talk to you."

I sighed,

"Ok ill be home."

"Love you." She said

"Love you too." I hung up my cell phone, and hailed the bartender.

"Is there anyway I can get this soda to go?"

When I arrived home my wife was making diner. I hung up my jacket, and walked into the kitchen.

"Hey" I said.

Katie turned towards me I could tell she was a bit angry with me.

"I called Doctor York and apologized for the way you acted."

"Great, well I am glad that worked out."

"You kicked over her table?" My wife looked in at me.

"Pushed, kicked it's all the same. All that matters is I'm safe."

"Don't start that cute shit with me. Sit" She said. I took a seat at the kitchen table, as she laid out a nice dinner of pork chops and applesauce.

"Why didn't you just say what was wrong?" She asked in caring tone.

"Because Katie, when I told you it was out of love for you. I totally expected you to leave. But I don't know this woman. And I feel like why should I revel this to her?"

"Because she is being paid to help you." Katie was annoyed again "She doesn't care about what your problem is, she just wants to resolve it with you."

"You didn't tell her did you?" God I hopped not.

"No, I didn't. But I made another appointment for next week."

Great another round.

"And I am going with you."

I dropped my fork; this isn't going to be good for me.

A week goes by fast when you're facing something you don't want too. And my time was up. Katie had waken up early that morning, as I found myself sleeping alone, trying to spoon with my pillow. I walked out into the kitchen, where she was sipping a cup of coffee.

"Morning," I said.

"Morning "She said.

I poured myself a cup of cereal, and sat down at the table. We didn't talk, I was hoping she forgot about my appointment, and I don't know why she didn't talk, maybe I had morning breath. I finished my breakfast, and put my bowl in the sink. That is when she spoke up.

"Go shower, your appointment is in an hour."

I hung my head, and headed for the shower. I've always liked a good shower, seemed peaceful to me. But with Katie's constant knocking on the door, to hurray me up and the water turning cold, today's shower was more like a the last rain before the tornado. I was in a towel, nice towels that my mother sent to us when we bought this house, when I saw Katie standing in our room. Now of course it is not strange to see your wife, in the room that the two of you share, unless she is dead and it is her ghost. But she is alive, and standing next to our bed with one thing on the top of the covers. A shiny new fresh, clean, diaper.

"No way Katie." Was my first reaction.

"Yes." She said.

"No" I said in more of a pleading tone than that of an affirmative tone.

"Yes" She said in the tone that gets things done.

Like a child, I ripped off my towel and threw it across the room. I let my body fall on the bed with a thump, and waited for her to diaper me. Katie stood before me, dressed nicely, holding the diaper, I lifted my legs and let her get to work, with various powders and lotions, than she wrapped me up tight in the diaper and pulled me to my feet.

I felt stupid.

"Why I am I wearing this?" I asked

"This way you'll talk. And maybe make some head way into that little mind of yours so I don't have to hear about how shitty your life is."

"How will wearing this make me talk exactly" I asked

"If you don't talk, I will clearly point out that you are wearing one."

"Put on pants so we can go" She said and left the room. I did as I was told and we where off.

I have worn in public many times, so I am not worried about being spotted; I was worried about being called out by my wife. I could never explain it to someone of she did that.

We were welcomed into Doctor York's office, and again I found myself sitting in the black leather couch, though this time next to my wife.

"So I am happy to have you back." Dr. York started off "I thought you might not come back."

"I am very sorry for that. Got a bit jumpy. I didn't break anything did I?"

"No."

"That's good, because I would have felt awful, if I did"

"We sat in silence for a bit.

"Hun, she has wonderful Poland spring water if you would like some. I had some the last time I was here and it was wonderful."

My wife looked at me with eyes that could kill people. So I turned back to the doctor.

"Well, here it goes; I have a problem with a certain passion of mine. And I can not figure it out for the life of me" That wasn't so bad.

"What is your passion?" She asked. The one question that blows my plan to avoid using the actual term.

"Well, I like, to wear" I cleared my throat and meekly spoke "Diapers"

I suddenly felt flush, I wanted to kick her table again and run, but my wife gripped my hand.

"Diapers?" The doctor asked.

"Yes."

"Its not in any way involving children, or any one under age" My wife spoke "He just likes to come home some days and be treated like a baby."

I shuttered, that was a little more than I wanted to say.

"I see" The doctor said.

"I'm perfectly fine with it, thought it took me some time, but to him it's always been a love hate relationship. You know one moment he's sitting happily playing in a poopy diaper" my wife said, as my heart exploded and my face turned so red I'm sure I was spotted by several satellites orbiting space. Check google maps, you'll be able to see me.

"The next his calling himself names in front of a mirror."

"So he uses the diapers" The doctor asked

"Yes" My wife said, as I began to think why I came, I haven't said two words.

"Interesting" The doctor said.

"And how many years would you say you've been wearing and using diapers?"

"Me?" I asked unsure if I was being spoken too.

"Oh I don't know, ever since I can recall."

"And you hate them?"

"I wouldn't say that, but I also wouldn't say I liked them."

Doctor York put her pen to her lips, she was thinking about me in a diaper. I know it. Suddenly I got the idea of throwing the lamp threw the window, and jumping out. Starting a new life in Cuba. Maybe grow some sugar cane, or roll cigars. I'm not sure. I had one hand on my lamp when my wife pinched my other arm. I looked at her.

"Don't" she said in a whisper. Which frightened me, because now she could read my mind.

"At what age did this interest in diapers start?" The doctor asked.

"I am not sure" I said, "Forever, I guess. It's just always been there."

"I see"

I looked over at my wife, she seemed just like the mother, babysitter, nanny, that she pretended to be. Stern, yet compassionate. Except this time it was real. It made me feel a bit sick, humiliated in a way I did not want.

"I don't feel right about this" I spoke up.

"What do you mean?" The doctor asked, my wife staring in at me.

"I don't like the way I feel right now, it's really bothering me"

"Hun, just relax." My wife said.

"Sometimes, James, it is hard to face ones self. Your body, will send out signals and warnings to "protect you" but infact they are doing just the opposite."

"Well they are doing a good job" I said. And they were. I felt awful, and I felt the hatred and uncomfortable with my own body. I mean look at me, I am twenty seven, wearing a diaper, in a psychologist office. How weak am I?

"Can you try to explain what you are thinking right now?"

"I feel weak, like a pussy, to be blunt. I mean, look at me?" I paused.

"I understand this is not normal, and I am not normal. And it kills me."

My wife rubbed my hand, I wanted to pull away, but I didn't.

"Who's to say what's normal?" The doctor said.

"I know, abstract, philosophical, question. I don't know what normal is, but I know what it isn't. And this isn't."

"Says who?" My wife spoke.

"Because some magazine or T.V says it's not normal. Because it's not the social standard it's bad. That's bullshit. You don't hurt anyone, you take care of your family, you even donate money to charities. You are a good man. Why cant you see past the shallow views of society and look at those who love you think"

I didn't even hear what she said, maybe I didn't want too.

"I know you think its ok. But the rest of the world..." My wife interrupted.

"Who cares what the rest of the world thinks." She was loud now, and sincere "It is just you and me. And I am telling you, it is ok. It is ok to like something. I mean if you can't handle it, what does that say about me." Katie looked in at me, her blue eyes filling with tears. I was torn looking at her. What was I suppose to say? Because If I couldn't accept myself, and figure it out. It would mean the one person who has always accepted me, who's always cared for me, would become the person I hate. My mind was crammed every word in the human language, trying to piece together an answer. I didn't have one.

"I don't know" I said stunned.

"What are you thinking about?" The doctor asked.

"I'm thinking about the time, I told Katie of my passion, and the way she didn't mock me, or just laugh and leave. But the way she took it all in, voiced her concerns, and said we can work threw this." Even to me, I could hear the sadness in my voice.

"And that makes you sad?"

"No, no it doesn't. It makes me happy that another person could love me that much. To accept me, event thought I didn't."

"Than why do you seem Mellon collie, or am I just misreading you?"

"Because I am not sure I can do the same for her."

Everyone went silent then, Katie's hand left mine, and she held it over her eyes. The doctor looked at me, almost embarrassed for me. And I was alone.

"How can I accept her, if I can't accept myself? Because she is just and enabler than."

"I don't understand James, how you can hate yourself so much. That you have to hate me too." Katie said in tears.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I don't know" I looked at the doctor, "What is wrong with me?"

The doctor folded her hands in her lap, lowered her glasses.

"Well, from the very small amount of time I have spent with you. I don't know. You obviously have low self esteem, and bare self hatred. But to such a degree over something meaningless. That is the part I don't understand, and I think needs further investigation. Id like to schedule you for next week, is that good for you?"

I nodded, in a sort of shell shock. This day started off so nice, playful threats, and the wonderful way my wife is. Now I realize I doomed to hate her. Wonderful. Great.

The car ride was silent. I was lost in my mind, reviewing the events that unfolded earlier. And I think Katie was doing the same. When we got home, Katie went into the guest bedroom, and locked the door. She didn't need too because I didn't want to face this problem with her. I took to our bedroom and sat down. I was still wearing the diaper, and in sudden rage pulled down my pants and ripped it off; throwing it towards the pail we kept for such things. I lay back onto the bed, half naked. Self pity, ran threw my body strong.

"Why me?" was the question I asked. It is a horrible question with no answers. Just nothingness. After a few minutes I pulled up my pants and went to watch television. Anything to distract me from this horrible day. I prayed for one watch able show. Just one. I settled on Mythbusters.

I could hear Katie cry at points. It was awful to make such a beautiful person cry. I felt like I was torturing her, and she couldn't stop the pain. But I didn't attempt to either. I didn't know what to say. Or how to make it right. Because it was wrong inside of me. Going to her now, I could promise her the world just to stop her pain. But it would all be lies. And tomorrow, I would still hate myself, and in a year or two I would hate Katie the same way. So I sat. And thought. And even cried a bit to myself.

The sky began to grown dark, and Katie had grown quiet. The living room had become small, air tight. And I felt like I needed to leave. So I did. I grabbed my cell phone and car keys, threw on a jacket and walked out the front door. Outside the cool fall air hit my lungs hard. It was refreshing in a way. Inside my car I just drove, I had no where to be or no idea of what too do. I just drove for miles, watching the hills and dead trees fly past my window in a blur. To be honest I was so lost in my thoughts I don't even know where I was, or how I arrived when my stomach began to growl. I continued to drive, finding my way back to the main road. I knew of this little dinner that served food to truckers and travelers mostly so I stopped off.

I took a booth in the back and order a coke, and some type of club sandwich. It didn't really matter what kind. In the back I could watch, and listen to other couples chat about, there kids, and there jobs, the road and life. Every one of them seemed so normal, except for this one couple, but I didn't watch them much. I couldn't figure out where I went wrong. Why did I need to have diapers? Threw my mind I grew lost again, thinking of every childhood experience of want, and the need of diapers. Just looking for some sort of hint, a monument in time that changed my direction. I thought for so long on the subject, and so long on myself. That I didn't even realize my food was sitting in front of me. I began to eat, and think. Katie was right about me being a good man. I think I am. And she is a good women, she works hard, plays hard and always seems to be able to overcome e. anything. I can't even overcome myself. She never seemed to have doubt that she couldn't do something. Always the first to talk to someone new, or to experience things that I would be to afraid or self conscious to try. She amazed me, and everyone who met her.

I watched my home from outside. Too much of a coward to go insides. So I sat in my car. Content that I might live here forever if I meant I did not have to face her. But ever so often, Katie would poke her head out of the window, and I would duck. I wasn't good at being sneaky either, just another one of my faults. Around midnight, I was half asleep, my head leaning against the leather seat, feeling a bit cold, the passenger side door open. And Katie sat down.

"I thought I locked the doors" I said meekly

"You probably only locked your door" She answered. And I checked, I did only locked my door. I should have gotten power locks.

"James why are you sitting out here?" she asked.

"Sleeping, cant you see that my chair is in recliner mode."

"No really." She said

"You know why Katie. I can't face this. I can't. And if I went inside well you would have been there, but you're out here now so maybe I should go inside. I do have work tomorrow." I tried to open my door but it was locked, I forget that.

"No, together. Me and you, we will settle this now."

"Katie I can't."

"Shut up. Ok. You can. Everything else in your life, You have managed to settle. Your parents dying, college bills..."

I interrupted her.

"Don't forget my dog, Jolene"

"Your dog."

"She was a great dog. She was scared of hallways. Lived in the living room for sixteen years."

"I know, but the point is this is not about your dog. It's about you."

"Ok, it's about me. And I can't handle me. So there you go."

"Why are you giving up so easily? Why can't you just accept yourself?

"I don't know. Why can't Paris Hilton accept that no one gives a shit about her, because she can't handle it. Like me. I am like Paris Hilton. Thanks you've made my life so much worst."

"Would you please stop with the jokes."

"Ok"

"Can you tell me? Your wife, why it is not ok for you to want to be young again?"

"Ok, well, for starters it's perverted."

"Perverted?"

"Yes, haven't you read the bible?"

"You're an agnostic. What do you care?"

"I like covering my bases."

"Ok so were in the bible does it say, you shouldn't wear diapers?"

"Well, I think it was the part, where god, says to bob, don't do that, and bob said ok. And then it was written."

"That's bullshit. Not even good bullshit."

"I know, but you know the reasons. Some where inside of me, I feel like a coward. A pussy. A weakling. I mean I look out at all these other dudes, and I see them as these macho cool, fighters, and lovers, smaller penis's mind you but still macho. What am I Katie? I'm a dude who wears diapers, who is neither incontinent, nor dying."

"So what?"

"So what, it matters to me. It matters because inside it tares me apart, making me less than a man, that what I do makes me weaker. That is why it matters. I can't fight Katie; I can't join the army, or kill anyone. I'm to well educated to work in construction, or some type of steal industry. So what I am looking at is a complete an utter pussy."

"What can I say James. You're not a fighter, or a killer. Your right. You don't drink and you care about my feelings. Your right, you're nothing like the men that are around you. But they are the true pussies. They are the ones afraid of the feelings."

"So what, at least they can know in there minds that they are men."

Suddenly I had one of those life flashing before your eyes things. I felt distant and just aware of my mind I looked towards Katie I could see her lips moving, and I could hear her words, but I couldn't understand. She looked away from me, realizing I wasn't really there. When she turned back, a single tear had run down the right side of her face.

"Well, I've had my say." She said softly, disappointment haunting her words.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, dazed.

She thought for a moment, but I knew she already knew what she had to do.

"I'm going. Maybe not tonight, but tomorrow I will be gone."

"Forever" I said weakly staring blankly outward.

"I don't know." Everything became really slow. She kissed my check, and I could feel every cell inside her lips, touching mine. I watched as she opened the door shutting it softly, walking away to the house. It seemed like a lifetime, and it hurt like one too.

And all I did was sit. Thinking of a future with out her, thinking of myself in a diaper alone, wishing to be with someone like Katie. It scared me.

It was all inside me. This hatred and these ideas of man. I thought of everything. My childhood, my parents, the psychologist and my life. And then it hit me, when my parents died who was standing next to me in my time of need? Katie. When I couldn't face the psychologist, who was sitting next to me Katie. And tonight when I couldn't face my self, who was fighting for me. Katie. I slammed backwards in my chair. Anger took over my body.

"Was I really that selfish?" I asked myself. I didn't know what too do. How can I fix something, that I broke without knowing what was wrong. So I did the only thing I could.

In our bedroom, inside the closet sits the spear diapers. As fast as I could I tore off my clothes, and diapered myself. Awkward at first, but memories return fast. Soon I was alone in my bedroom, with nothing but a diaper. I walked over the mirror. My body, was exposed, the hair on my chest, my adult form starring back at me with a diaper covering the waste. God, I hated this look when I wasn't in the mood. It seemed so weak. But I must stay in control.

"I am ok." I said aloud, "I am ok" I said again, and again. Pretty soon it was the only thing I could say. I stood, and repeated those words, facing myself as the only way I could. My eyes covered my body up and down. The hate that filled my body was slowly turning to a type of dislike and sadness. It was than I noticed standing in the door way. I yelped when I saw her.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm trying to fix myself." She smiled, and walked over to me. She patted my diapered butt, and took my shoulders, so that both of us faced the mirror.

Into my ear she whispered.

"You are the man I care about. I love you. Please love yourself"

I continued my speech of repetitive complements. Katie held me the entire time, she smiled, and eventually I did too. I could feel her love, and I think in some ways it made me stronger, and able to face anything. After awhile I just began to laugh, and so did Katie, we laid down together in bed, she held me, and I just laid.

"I think you did a good thing today?" She said.

A cracked a smile.

"We'll I wasn't willing to lose you. Then I might really hate myself."

She smiled, moving her hand to my crotch.

"Wet are we?" She joked

"Katie it's been four hours, I'm only human."

Eventually feel asleep, me tucked away in Katie's arms.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I had no idea of if anything I did was going to last. Or if it was as meaningless as promising the world to Katie. I hope not. But tonight, this night, I was ok. I was ok with myself, I was ok with Katie holding me and I was ok being in a wet diaper. And I hope it never ends.