Relationships

10 secrets of a successful marriage

Relationships

10 secrets of a successful marriage

You remember the man you married: Mr. Right made you laugh, looked glorious in a tight T-shirt and left you humming Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine!" as you bounced out the door each day. Has he been replaced by Mr. I-Don't-Want-to-Talk-About-It?

Ah, wedded bliss. It isn't (sadly) a thorn-free bed of roses, but a lifelong commitment requiring effort, sacrifice and – sometimes – teeth-gritting patience. Not to mention a whole lot of love.

Learning to be diplomatic in love You may not have the kind of marriage country singers croon about, but you can if you treat your partner like a best friend and your problems as challenges requiring gentle diplomacy, says John Gottman, world-renowned researcher and coauthor of 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage (Crown, 2006). Based on those two principles and by studying thousands of couples at his Seattle-based love lab, Gottman has developed 10 love lessons that strengthen the ties that bind.

He says that when small, positive behaviours, such as expressing appreciation or honouring each other's dreams, are frequently repeated, they can put a marriage on the high road to happiness.

Two of Canada's most noted psychologists agree. Along with Gottman, Gordon Neufeld, a clinical psychologist and coauthor of the bestselling Hold on to Your Kids (Ballantine, 2004), and Sue Johnson, a leader in the field of couples' therapy and a psychology professor at University of Ottawa, offer their advice.

1. Complain constructively Do happily married couples grumble about each other? You bet they do. But presentation is everything. If you seethe silently, build up steam, then blow like Mount Vesuvius, your beloved will feel like the target of a personal attack, explains Johnson. "When a spouse is angry and complaining, we feel threatened on a deep level by the one person on whom we depend," she says.

How to fix it: Rather than stockpiling grievances and resentment, deal with problems immediately using clear and specific language. Keep your cool and describe the issue as you see it, but avoid sweeping statements. "Before you say anything, visualize holding your partner's hand, then talk about the things that are difficult," suggests Neufeld. "If you lose that feeling of being connected because you're furious, bite your tongue."

Page 1 of 4 -- Learn how a little "me time" can help ease tension in your household on page 2.

2. Share your concerns You've heard about the elephant in the living room: big issues that are impossible to ignore, like a massive mammal. Men avoid issues by dismissing them (think irritating in-laws); women fret. "Men think they're cooling things down, but it makes women feel minimized," says Johnson. The outcome: two emotionally separate lives that put your relationship at risk.

How to fix it: "Don't be secretive about how you feel," advises Neufeld. "If you swallow your feelings, you lose intimacy." Set aside time to discuss the problem and lay some ground rules. One talks; the other listens. He may ask questions to clarify, but not to disagree or problem-solve. Once you're done, he recaps your points. When he understands your position, reverse roles. "We advise couples to practise telling each other what they are feeling and what they need," says Gottman, "even if such expression brings conflicts to the surface."

3. Be a little selfishA new baby. A bigger mortgage. Family illness. You dig deep, find inner strength and juggle stress, commitments and finances – all out of love. But long after the crisis passes, you're still (by now resentfully) giving 110 per cent. Sure enough, your sense of injustice builds a wall between you. "Women often give and give," says Neufeld. "If you give until you resent it, you'll feel imprisoned."

How to fix it: Just say no. And say it often enough that your yes carries weight. "So although it may sound crazy to people who value hard work and devotion to family, our advice is this: You need to be a little more selfish," says Gottman. Schedule "me" time for your interests and "us" time to reconnect. "When responsibilities mount, such 'indulgences' are usually the first to go," he observes. "But outlets like these... provide you with the energy you need to navigate hard times."

4. Break the cycle Criticism is a lonely creature, but sometimes it shares a bed with defensiveness and contempt. Before long, you've got a problem of biblical proportions. "With so much criticism and contempt in the air, neither partner feels like talking about things that really matter to either of them," says Gottman.

How to fix it: State your problem neutrally, without criticizing, insulting or digging up old bones. Tell your partner what you need ("I want to feel respected") rather than what you don't ("Don't call me names!"). When he responds, don't be defensive but listen carefully and ask open-ended questions ("How can we achieve this?"). Finally, thank him for listening to you.

Page 2 of 4 – Have your common dreams fallen by the wayside? Dicover how to reconnect with your partner and achieve your goals together on page 3.

5. Fulfil your dreams Jack shouts at Jill, "All I ever do is work, and when I come home, you're at me!" Jill has heard it before but can't make sense of it. Why? Like a foreign film, Jack is speaking another language. Here's what his subtitles might say: "I used to dream we'd take a year off to travel. I'm sad because now that we can afford it, we aren't doing it." Even the most contented couples find some dreams sidelined or ignored, but when it becomes permanent, says Gottman, frustration festers. "Until dreams and feelings are recognized and honoured, the conflict is going to keep resurfacing."

How to fix it: Take turns talking intimately about your dreams, hopes and aspirations, then think of ways to be flexible about investigating them. It may be your deepest desire to slap on a Tilley hat and take an Indiana Jones vacation. But rather than circumnavigating the globe on a raft, consider a compromise, such as short, exciting trips that accommodate your spouse. In short, find ways to foster the spirit of each other's dreams.

6. Support each other First, there was a little black cloud. Then, the taciturn stranger moved in. Where did your happy spouse go? According to the Public Health Agency of Canada, he may have joined the eight per cent of adults who face major depression in their lifetimes. Or maybe it's temporary: setbacks at work, a death in the family or unrelenting stress has made him moody and harder to read than Sanskrit. Either way, if you're on the receiving end, his frustration and resentment can be frightening because it feels like an attack on you, says Johnson.

How to fix it:Listen compassionately, find support for both of you and leave counselling to the professionals. "A lot of people get into giving advice, but the research shows that's the absolute worst thing you can do," warns Johnson. "Your partner will see it as threatening." If your glum spouse becomes angry or critical of you, remember it's the gloom-and-doom talking and remind him of your needs.

7. Communicate with clarity You don't ask your partner for much. Empty the dishwasher, maybe clean out that landfill of a garage, right? Right?! "No one wants to nag," comments Johnson. "But if your partner isn't responding and you can't get through any other way, you do it." And the more you do, the more he digs in his heels. (Memo to husbands: According to Gottman's research, a husband who considers his wife's advice has greater influence in his marriage because his wife feels respected and will respond to her husband's wishes, too.)

How to fix it: Get his focused attention, then let him know in neutral language what you need ("Could you clean out the garage?" rather than "Oh my gosh! What an unholy disaster!") and when you need it done ("By tomorrow"). Each of you should try to remain open to each other's ideas and to compromise. If he can't do as you ask immediately, for example, at least secure his good intentions for the future. "If he can tell you he's on side with you, it's not a confrontation anymore," says Neufeld.

Page 3 of 4 – Do you easily get angered or irritated by your partner's actions? Find out how to fix this common scenario on page 4.

8. Calm your angerAnnoyance, irritation or fury – call it what you will. Regardless of whether anger is directed at you or you've got your own issues to burn, it can be painful, nerve-racking and disruptive for all involved.

How to fix it: Calm down, take a step back and recast your indignant anger ("You're so selfish! You never think of me!") into personal frustration ("I'm hurt and upset that my needs aren't being met"). Anger is natural, says Neufeld, but it can be damaging if it eclipses love. Talking about frustration instead of anger "doesn't imply blame and resentment," he says, and so will be better received. "Express how something upset you, how it didn't work for you."

9. Take time together Forget Happy Families. These days, it's more like Busy Kids and Exhausted Parents. "Once the kids arrive, it feels as if your entire life is booked," says Gottman. "Problems arise, however, when couples use their parenting obligations as an excuse for neglecting their relationship with each other."

How to fix it: Start with a date night, such as a walk through the park or a beer at the pub. Practise turning toward your partner when he makes a bid for connection. If you're feeling out of sorts after a bad day and he brings you a glass of wine, for example, don't stay silent (turning away) or point out that you didn't want it (turning against). Accept the gesture, smile graciously and say thanks.

10. Appreciate your differences You wait for sales; he buys on impulse. You tidy-as-you-go; he prefers the science-experiment approach to housekeeping. Both are ongoing issues that, despite efforts to renovate each other, just won't go away.

How to fix it: Happy couples openly discuss their ongoing points of dispute, thereby making them more manageable, according to Gottman's studies. Make dialogue rather than problem-solving your goal, remembering that the issue – not your partner – is the problem. There are no right and wrong solutions. Above all, accept that the problem may never go away, but you can still be happy together.

Love tip: Keep a mental list of qualities you admire in your spouse, whether it's his goofy sense of humour, his integrity or his manly forearms. "Fondness and admiration are the perfect antidotes to contempt," says Gottman. If you're tempted to find fault during an argument, "Look for evidence that your partner is getting it right." Ask him to do the same for you.

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Culture & Entertainment

Hygge: The Art of "Finding Magic in the Ordinary"

Culture & Entertainment

Hygge: The Art of "Finding Magic in the Ordinary"

Think about some of your warmest memories—drinking wine and reminiscing with girlfriends, chatting with your mom while she whips up a batch of your favourite muffins, having a dinner date that leads to cocktails that leads to stargazing by the water because neither of you want the night to end—that’s hygge. It’s finding happiness in the every day, and all you need to be able to attain it is to know about it.

Some say the Danish word is pronounced “hooga” but according to Marie Tourell Søderberg, author of Hygge: The Danish Art of Happiness, it’s like this: The “y” is similar to the French “y” sound—think “huge,” and the “gge” sounds like the first syllable in “girl.” But, it doesn’t really matter how you say "hygge"—you just need to get it. And to get it, you need to know where it comes from.

Hygge originates from a Norwegian word that means “well-being,” and in English, it means “coziness,” but it’s much more than that. Hygge is appreciating the little things in life. It’s “all the small things that make us feel safe, loved and satisfied,” says Søderberg. Hygge is doing things with warmth and joy, being present in the moment, and having a feeling of home—in other words, the Danish way of life.

Denmark is ranked as one of the happiest nations in the world, and hygge is likely an “ingredient in the Danish recipe for happiness,” says author Meik Wiking in his book, The Little Book of Hygge. Compared to other Europeans, Danes “meet most often with their friends and family and feel the calmest and most peaceful.” And that’s why there’s a growing interest in hygge.

Books on the subject are quickly filling up store shelves—a simple Indigo search will pull up more than five books on hygge, all of which have come out in the later half of 2016 (including Søderberg’s and Wiking’s) or will be coming out in the early months of 2017—just in time for winter, which is pretty much the reason why hygge exists.

In her book, Søderberg says, “It originated due to the need to create joy, warmth and togetherness in a country that boasts long, cold winters”—something Canadians can relate to. Hygge encourages you to embrace the cold months instead of waiting for the sun to shine again. But, anyone, anywhere, can enjoy the benefits of hygge any time of year, as it’s all about sharing moments with those you love, indulging in comfort foods, and taking in the sights and sounds around you.

Understanding hygge and having a name for it helps you recognize it and look for it in your day-to-day life. “Including it in our daily narratives and language makes us aware of the qualities of the word. Saying, ‘let’s hygge tonight,’ states a clear intention of what qualities we want our evening to have—presence, lovingness, relaxed, informal—all these qualities in one word,” says Søderberg.

Intimate candlelit dinner parties, mulled wine by a fire and ice skating under twinkling lights are classic hygge moments, but it can also be found when you're not expecting it. Hygge can happen in the least hyggelig (the adjective form of “hygge”) locations or in those in-between moments throughout your day—like when you're hiding from the rain under an awning with a friend, listening to a sax player as you wait for the next subway to arrive, or laughing with your sister over the phone.

Although hygge can happen anywhere, the most common place for it is at home, so it helps to make your living quarters feel warm, safe and welcoming—think candles, warm textiles and plenty of personal touches. In Søderberg’s book, she shares decorating advice from Nordic interior design expert Christina B. Kjeldsen: “The hygge comes when you feel that the person behind the surroundings is completely comfortable with his or her choices, but at the same time isn’t afraid of decorating intuitively and trying out new things and ideas…When you put thoughtfulness into how and why you have chosen to surround yourself with particular furniture, objects, art, flowers, knick-knacks, curtains—whatever—then you relax and your guests will see and know you for who you are.”

But, it’s important not to feel pressure to create a perfect space or occasion and force hygge. Decorate your space for you and not how you think it should be, and let moments unfold naturally—something that can be all too rare in this social media age. Søderberg warns, “The most hyggelig evening can look like a disaster in a picture, and opposite—the least hyggelig can look like a perfect evening.” But, if you have a true hyggling moment, it’ll be a “piece of art to capture the exact sense of an atmosphere in a photo.”

So, keep hygge on your mind. Make plans to hygge, be present in every moment, and soak up life's glories. And if you do, you’ll be gifted with the ability to, as Søderberg says, “[find] the magic in the ordinary.”