Houston, We Have a Porn Problem

“We sat down together at his computer, and I watched him delete all of his [pornographic] websites…. [Then,] this morning, I not only saw that he had created new accounts on some of his old websites, but he joined brand-new ones.” —a post on ivillage.com

“My bf will wake up early to get on the computer and use Internet porn to get himself off while I’m asleep. I don’t care if he looks at porn except when he uses it instead of me. I am always trying to flirt with him, and all I get is ‘my stomach is upset’ or he’ll ignore or…just laugh off my advances.” —a post on relationshipweb.com

“I had a gut feeling I knew why the money was disappearing. I asked [my husband] very gently if he had had a relapse with the [Web] porn and he suddenly became very defensive…. Then, just a few days later…he said he was caught watching porn at work and was fired.” —a post on drphil.com

These days most of us are blasé about porn. But that attitude ignores the pain of the women who wrote the messages above—and the more than 30,000 postings on an iVillage board called “Relationships Damaged by Pornography.” Nearly all of them vent about a male partner’s “problem” or “addiction” or “virtual infidelity.” Increasingly, it seems porn has the power to disrupt lives, and no one is immune: If you read any gossip columns last year, you probably know that Christie Brinkley’s now ex, Peter Cook, spent approximately $3,000 a month on Internet porn, and that Tea Leoni’s estranged hubby, David Duchovny, checked in to rehab for sex addiction; it was speculated that it was for porn.

Graphic images have been around forever (2,000-year-old erotic carvings are on the walls of Pompeii, after all), so why are they affecting our lives now more than ever? One word: computers. Psychologists have called the Web a “triple-A engine” of porn because it’s made explicit material accessible, affordable and anonymous—and apparently irresistible. Guys can now access as many images of brunettes, blonds and threesomes as they like, whenever they like. According to Nielsen Online, in one month 30 million American men visited erotic websites, driving what is estimated to be a $2.8 billion industry (and according to one market research firm, after last year’s economic stimulus checks were sent out by the government, those numbers briefly spiked).

Porn can be part of a happy, healthy sex life, no question. But a growing number of studies show that viewing it alone and to excess (defined by some experts as two or more hours a day) can leave you susceptible to a host of intimacy problems—from harboring unrealistic expectations about how your partner should look and behave in bed to sexual dysfunction and an inability to sustain relationships.

Furthermore, a 2007 study of heterosexual couples found that the more men viewed sexually explicit materials, the lower overall sexual satisfaction they and their partners experienced. James,* 32, sheds some light on that discovery. “I’m like most guys,” he says. “Dad’s Playboys at 13; VHS tapes in my twenties; Internet exploration a few times a week in my thirties. Nothing crazy or obsessive.” Yet, he admits: “I’ve gotten some mixed-up ideas from porn. I love my girlfriend, but I can’t seem to turn on the lovemaking chip when I’m with her. I seem to only have the f—king chip. During sex, I find myself trying to get the view I’d get watching movies. But it’s not the same, and her body is not the same, so it doesn’t always keep me up, and I start fantasizing. I want to learn how to turn off the porn-style thinking when I’m with her. This person loves me, we’re partners in life, we have a bond and I want to feel that during sex.”

More than ever, people who find their relationships suffering from porn-related issues are turning to therapists for help. “About 15 to 20 percent of the couples I’ve worked with have struggled with this, and the numbers are increasing,” says Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based psychologist. Perhaps shockingly, even the worst porn addictions don’t have to destroy a relationship. Some partnerships, Thomas and other experts agree, can be saved.

Is He Addicted?

Throughout her marriage, Karen, 29, knew that her then husband’s obsession with XXX sites was unhealthy. “It wasn’t that I had problems with him looking at it,” says Karen. “In fact, I even offered to watch together, but he saw it as something shameful. He couldn’t go without, so he shut me out completely. The intimacy is what I missed most.” The issue contributed to their divorce. In her new relationship, on the other hand, porn is a guilt-free sexual additive. “We even take turns picking it out,” says Karen. “It’s fun because we’re both OK with it.”

As Karen learned, the best way to gauge your comfort level—with your partner’s habits, your own and what you do as a couple—is to listen to your gut. Anne, 32, used to be “pro-whatever turns him on,” but feels very different now. “I’ve been through three breakups over this,” she says. “I mean, I’m open-minded, but not that open-minded. I believe there’s a difference between knowing that your guy occasionally looks at naked pictures and feeling as if it’s those images he’s making love to every single time.” In her most recent porn-crossed relationship, the sex was great, at first. “But then I started to notice he never looked at me while we were doing it,” says Anne. “And before long he was asking me to watch movies with him and act out exactly what was happening on the screen. Without coming right out and saying it, I felt as if he was implying that I wasn’t sexy enough. I started dieting and dressing differently. But then I thought, Why can’t I be my own person?”

When she finally faced him with that question, Anne’s boyfriend balked, calling her close-minded and controlling; he, on the other hand, was just being a “regular guy.” Anne broke up with him shortly after that nonconversation. Experts agree that her ex’s behavior went beyond the bounds of regular guys in healthy relationships. In addition, says Dr. Thomas, “When I see women trying to prove their sexiness by acting or looking like a porn star, I’m concerned. It indicates she could be scared of losing him.”

Robert Weiss, LCSW, director of sexual addiction services at Life Healing Center of Santa Fe, New Mexico, recommends seeking professional help if several items on this laundry list accurately describe your partner:

He refuses to talk to you about his XXX-viewing habits.

He pushes you to be sexual in ways you’re not comfortable with.

He spends increasing amounts of time alone with the computer and loses interest in offline activities.

He is otherwise healthy but has difficulty becoming or staying erect without porn.

He is emotionally distant.

He is no longer satisfied with looking at pictures and videos and reaches out to real women via webcam—or worse, in person.

How He Can Log Off, Once and for All

Getting your guy to admit that he has issues with pornography may not be easy, but Dr. Thomas says the conversation will go a lot smoother with these ground rules: “Try to understand what it really is that bothers you. Is it triggering body image issues? Are you afraid that he’s bored with you? Or maybe it’s that your objection is a moral one? All of these are valid reasons for your discomfort, but you have to be up-front with yourself before you can be clear with your partner.” And when you are ready to talk, “use your logic, not your emotions, to explain how his behavior makes you feel. Be honest about what you need from him. Is it total abstinence from porn? A little less of it? More forthrightness about when he’s using it? The opportunity to watch together?” Ask him to try to describe the role it plays in his life and how he feels about his habit. He may be embarrassed or defensive at first, but if he’s able to transcend that and have a rational conversation, it’s a positive sign that you will be able to move forward. “If your partner isn’t open to talking or changing his behavior, don’t try to force the issue without help,” Dr. Thomas says. Instead, ask him to see a relationship counselor with you. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, aasect.org, provides a directory of well-qualified professionals. Other great resources for frustrated partners are Codependents of Sexual Addiction (COSA) and S-Anon. Both are 12-step-based support groups where partners can share their experiences and receive guidance. In addition, your partner may choose to go solo to Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) or Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA), 12-step groups that believe the path to recovery is unique for everyone—meaning that in some cases, porn may need to be cut out completely. If your partner decides to take that route, he’ll probably want to install blocking software on his computer. And it doesn’t hurt to surround the PC zone with photographs of kids, family, friends and the two of you together.

Any woman who fears that her relationship may be unsalvageable should take heart: Of the hundreds of couples who find their way into Robert Weiss’s recovery programs each year, 80 percent report staying together. Susan, a former patient, 35, says: “Two years ago, when I confided in family and friends that I’d found thousands of porn images on my boyfriend’s computer, they told me either to ‘keep quiet and work harder at being sexy’ or ‘kick him out.’ But I didn’t want to walk away from our five years together, so instead I confronted him and said if he wanted to be with me, we had to get help. In treatment, Mark was asked to reveal all of the sexual secrets he had kept from me. Despite the pain of hearing them, I was relieved to know the truth, and it gave us a starting point.” Mark has not watched porn in over 12 months, but that’s not the biggest payoff. “Today,” says Susan, “we’re a closer, more genuine couple for having gone through this.”