When I recently visited my longtime friend, the topic turned of course to sex at one or two points. Clinical, theoretical, opinionated talks. One topic, after numerous drinks by the couple, turned to how much noise my friend makes in bed. Or, rather, doesn’t make.

My bold, outspoken, ballsy, loud-mouthed friend is the exact opposite in the bedroom. That’s not to say she’s “frigid” (I hate that word). She loves sex. Her sex drive is crazy high. She especially loves sucking cock and freely, openly admits this in most cases. It turns her on immensely. Unfortunately, this is the only real thing that her boyfriend knows for sure arouses her. When it comes to sex she literally tightens up. He will see glimpses of her arousal and pleasure bursting at the seams but the moment a sigh escapes her lips she unknowingly clams up.

The discussion about this was basically him openly, and lovingly, telling her what she does/doesn’t do and telling her why he’d like her to be more free. To wake the neighbors. Not just for him, but for her, as well. He reasons that because she’s not at all vocal, be it in voice or body language, to his ministrations, he’s never really sure what or if she is enjoying. After a while, my friend started to take it all the wrong way and assume that he and I were saying that there was something wrong with her and that she wasn’t good enough in bed. He insisted that the sex is phenomenal, he loves it, but he knows that she could enjoy it even more and therefore so could he. That getting her off gets him off. Seeing that he is indeed giving her great pleasure is the best thing for him. I would have to agree with him on that…I absolutely need that feedback, I thrive off of it. I know my husband does, too.

We know why she’s like this. She was married to the first and only guy she ever slept with for a long time. Her and her ex had been together for something like 15 years. Her ex wasn’t much into sex. He never, not even on their wedding day, told her he thought she was beautiful. Sex was always brief, perfunctory and very infrequent. Quiet was encourage. Experimentation was not. So the boyfriend of less than a year has a LOT of “damage” to undo. My friend just feels weird making noise. Or saying anything. And then the circle goes right back.

Another topic in this long conversation came around to how rough each of them likes their sex because somehow my friend and I got to talking about BDSM a little bit. She wanted to know what it all stood for, what the words meant. She liked the sound of both masochist and sadist. Rough sex was discussed between the two of them….a little spanking, a little throwing around, etc. They’re both in great shape and she’s got the most incredible pain tolerance. Yet he’s not quite comfortable with being rough enough to spank her. He’s afraid he’ll hurt her. She’s afraid of hurting him. Despite both of them sitting there telling the other “It won’t hurt that much, don’t worry about me”, they kept insisting the same thing. It was like a huge circle talk of frustration. I’d like to think that some good came out of it all though. I’m hoping it did, since last week she texted me for recommendations on ball gags and wrist restraints. Yay!

So what do you think?

Does making noise mean better sex, if it’s genuine and not re-enacting the scene from When Harry Met Sally? Are there better ways for people like my friend to convey what is working and what isn’t, when they’re not comfortable saying a peep?

When your first line of communication is text-based, you really should try to make a good first impression. I don’t mean that you need to hire Cyrano to ghost-write your profile, or be insincere or embellish anything. Be yourself. However, be yourself with decent spelling, grammar and punctuation. We’re not grading here (unless you message a teacher) but it speaks louder than your words: It says “I don’t care”. For reference, Case File #267:

His first message:

Hey how are you I am Shane I would like to talk and get to know you I saw you and I have a bit in common and seem to be looking 1for the same things let me know ifi ts possible shane

My response:

#1. I do not know what the hell this means: “you are defiantly raland honest then i look foward to getting to know you” 2

#2. You live more than an hour from me. Which means you didn’t read my profile. 3

#3. You would not consider having an open relationship – since I am married, that would make things impossible 4

#4. You seem to be a conservative Christian. We have very opposing views that I find important. 5

Are you just sending this same message out to everyone, hoping someone will take the bait? Seems like it.6

His “zinger”:

omg seriously no i am not sending same message you way over analyze things and read to much into things that are not there and i was simply trying to talk and get to know you its your personality alone right there in this email that i a huge turn off and that will keep u from getting a decent man if you do they will be nothing more then a door mat cause i am not one to sit by and talk to anyone who insults me when all i did was try and be nice and talk to them learn how to approach people you are shallow and close minded and personally it makes you insignificant take care dont bother replying im blocking you7

Other gems from his profile include:

“Looking for the right person to get to know see where it can lead and have turn to some thing long term and amazing. Hey wait lol a guy who is not afraid of commitment lol.”

“im not a bar or club person not my style like going out butttttttt would rather be with someone i am with at home”

“I DO NOT DO FWB FLINGS OR RANDOM HOOK UPS SO IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE INTO PLEASE DO NOT MESSAGE ME “

I didn’t change a thing on those.

This says so many things to me. First, he’s 34. He’s way past the “text speak” generation (which is never any excuse, anyways). Unless the whole entire profile was written from his smartphone OkCupid App, then the lack of punctuation, capitalization, sentence structure and odd line spacing just scream “Lazy”. I really don’t know what else to think. Theory is, you’re trying to woo people, impress them, show your best side. If this is his best side then I’d hate to see the rest.

Make your first message count. Make it personal, but on the flip side don’t write 4 long paragraphs. If you have things in common, point them out. Ask a question other than “Hey what’s up / how are you / does this thing work for you”. *yawn* I actually say right off the bat in my profile to please not just message me with “Hey what’s up” or “Hi” or “Nice pics” because it’s lazy and I won’t respond. It’s the first sentence. So when I get message like that, and yeah of course I do, they immediately get trashed because it’s clear they didn’t read my profile. And if you’re on a site like OkCupid – why in the fuck wouldn’t you read someone’s profile before messaging them??

Our match percentages: 62% match, 46% friend, 33% enemy. While I don’t rely on the OkCupid algorithm entirely, I’ve found that it’s often quite a good indicator since it’s based on our answers to questions. What part of this sounds like we have anything in common? I also state that I’m not looking for sex, or dating, just FRIENDS ↩

Stating a fact here! He lives 49 miles from me which is actually 1.5 hours driving time, and I state this twice in my profile that someone should be less than an hour from me ↩

This was one of the Questions answered. Ironically, his status is listed “Available” which in order to get that status, you have to tell OkC that you’re either married or in a relationship but yet still check off the “dating” options in what you’re looking for ↩

I couldn’t find anything at ALL that we had in common. Nothing. HE’s religious, Christian, is opposed to abortion no matter what, not even a little kinky, BUT YET answered that if he was seeing someone it would take 1-2 dates before he’d fuck them, whereas I put 3-5 ↩

Well it DOES! It’s not personalized at all, he references nothing specific that we have in common and he ignored three really big things on my profile ↩

I don’t know what happens when you block someone….are they told that they’ve been blocked when they try to message you? If that’s true, then he didn’t block me. Either way, I sent him back a message finally that actually was insulting and called him out on the grammar and idiocy. Then I blocked him! ↩

“Oh, he made my blood just burn
I flipped so far, I thought that I would not return”~”Get him back”, Fiona Apple

I sat here yesterday typing out the beginning half to an erotica story but I just haven’t been able to finish it. I have a post about the TLC series “Strange Sex” nearly done, but haven’t finished it. This rant? Feels soooo good and is just flying off my fingertips. In fact the keyboard would yell “ow!” if it could. It might just have there a second or two ago. Sorry, keyboard.

In order to get back into the erotica groove, I joined Lushstories.com recently. I went back to some of my earlier work here on the blog to post over there. I chose the Taxi CabConfessional posts, and at first tried to submit them in two parts. Part 1 was soundly Rejected with a litany of sins, mainly it lacked content and was “far too short”. Ok, fine. So I put the two parts together, separated the one occurrence of two words lacking a space between, corrected my lack of conversation “”” and re-submitted. A day later it was accepted. It garnered some pretty nice, high praise from the members/other writers there.

Now, before I go any further….I must say this about Lushstories. Not quite a year ago I’d seen the site because someone had tried to submit their story from there to e[lust] and I wouldn’t allow it. I glanced around the banner-ad-laden site and saw stories that made me long for Literotica. Bad, bad erotica. Trite plots, bad euphemisms and a metric fuckton of incest stories. Not my thing, sorry. Not only was a lot of the erotica not my taste but it was painfully long. Perhaps others enjoy painfully long erotica, I don’t have the attention span for it.

Today I tried to submit a piece that was always one of my favorites, “Fucking for Art“. If you’ve not read it, or are no longer familiar with that piece, I encourage you to give it a quick glance to further understand the moderator’s responses to me.

This personal note was sent to me with the standard “Your story has been rejected” email:

I am both a photographer and a model. This is impossible: “I made them hold poses for 5-10 minutes, sometimes difficult poses, until I got the angle of light and the angle of the shot “just so”. Try holding still for thirty seconds, never mind a minute, never mind up to ten, and especially for difficult poses. A real photographer does not demand that the models wait until she gets the framing and light right, at the cost of the models holding a pose. This is also rather short in length. In addition, use a comma before reported speech, not this – : Also use a comma before the final quotation marks, as in this: “Carrrrieeee” I taunted. Thank you.

Wow. Me:

Seriously, my story is being removed for plausibility?? I’ve had this posted in two sites and no one has ever cared about such a detail.

I’m sorry but given some other stories I’ve read on here that present situations both unlikely and impossible, I’m confused as to why mine got singled out. Also, with regards to length, there is no posted word minimum but yet I seem to keep submitting things that are too short?

I can appreciate the story moderation but it feels like the reasons for mine getting rejected do not apply to every story submitted, as I have most certainly seen stories short or with a misplaced comma or misspelled word.

My story was about 8000 characters, theirs doesn’t do word count. As Rayne pointed out to me: What about models who sit for painting and drawing classes? They hold poses for 5-10 minutes! And in fact that angle was my inspiration for the story. My inspiration story was similar, but the artist in question was photographing for his paintings he’d do later.

Her rude response made me fume:

You had the good luck or misfortune to come across a photographer. Go ahead and stay still for an entire minute, never mind five or ten, and get back to me on it. If you put the detail in and it isn’t believeable {Note: I’m copy/pasting, that misspelling there is hers, ironic no?}, then one day someone is going to get back to you on it. In this case, it was me. Good writing depends on the details holding together.

I also verified a story of yours the other day and extensively corrected it, which I do not have to do. You are welcome, by the way.

Yes, your stories are short and lack structure, but they have been verified anyway, with effort on your part and good will on ours.

I pointed out Rayne’s comment to her in a single-sentence reply of “what about models for painters/drawing classes?” but ironically she never responded.

What a self-righteous cuntwad. Fuck off, to the whole site. Seriously. I’ve pulled my profile and my stories. Crap like “love poems” of which I wrote better emo-crap in highschool than that; erotica that makes the Fabio-covered-burning-loins seem tolerable….and I get yanked because this cunt says my plot basis is unrealistic???? Geezus they even have a fuckin “Supernatural” category! I was reallllly tempted there to link to the drivel I was referring to but I just couldn’t do it to the authors. I’ll take out my anger against the Moderator-Bitch-From-Hell but not innocent writers, no matter how much I want to say “look at this crap!”

Anyways.

Moving on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*deep breath*

Today on Twitter I ran across this tweet:

I (as Toyswap) replied:

@Epiphora and @FemeDeliciosa jumped in as well, and to us (the sex toy reviewers on TSN in general) the term sanitize/sterilize means the same thing. No, I do NOT mean that they’re 110% professional-grade germ-free but they ARE the very definition of sanitized. This derision and PR idiocy is coming from a company that makes such winning products (can you hear my sarcasm?) as Clone-A-Willy (ew, rubber); a “Tongue Vibe” which is basically a tiny cheap bullet you strap on to your tongue; Clone-A-Pussy (also, ew, rubber) and dodgy “libido stimulators and supplements” that you ingest. Go ahead and call me a sex toy snob right now if you want but if I ever owned my own sex toy store, products like these would never be sold.

Both Epiphora and I attempted to tell the person behind the account what ToySwap actually IS.

I said: “you do realize that TSN is a private network of educated sex toy review bloggers who trade safe items amongst ourselves?”

E said: “We all have a LOT of toys that we never use. It’s nice to be able to give them a good home. Plz quit the butthurt responses.”

Every once in a while I chat/email with someone and the “click” is there immediately. I wish I could produce the formula that equates to this click, but I don’t really know. It was like that with R, too, except that I had the pleasure of knowing a little about him before he even emailed me. Yet still, R took my bait and we chatted and we never shut up. It was kinda like that with this mysterious J (that’s all he called himself). He emailed me to pay a few compliments about the blog and there was just something there, something in his words. What he said, what he didn’t say, how he said it and his “voice”.

We both recognized the click and the too-easy banter and the immediate intellectual attraction as being dangerous. Dangerous with the chance of addictive.

And so….at the end of that day full of flying emails, we said goodbye. He gave in briefly once more via my chat box but that was it. Today, nearly 4 months later, I tried to contact him only to find that the email address he’d been using was now closed.

Maybe he was just a ghost?

A figment of my imagination?

An entity capable of communicating through the wires and currents but not of being real?

So the other week I wake up to an email notification in my inbox from the kinky social networking site I belong to. I’m not very active there, so I don’t get a lot of messages. I’ve had a few recently……dominant men who make me snarl and snap, but they’re not worth mentioning. Everybody gets those sort.

But this morning in question I was fresh into my self-imposed hiatus and easily irritated. When I read the message in my email I had no clue who the sender was other than their name but could see that the subject line was “hi honey” and the message was merely: “nice titties sexy girl”. I logged into the site with guns a’blazin’ and was all ready to fire off a “fuck you” email for the offensive and assumptive content (I told you I was feeling cranky and pissy! I’d normally brush it off)

but wait.

It’s not from a guy…..

And suddenly, I was stopped. My first reaction was “hey that’s kinda…..hot”. She appears to be a little butch but she’s in a relationship with a guy and her look isn’t “butch” just “metal/punk/raaaa” tryin to be a hard ass. Her profile though comes across very butch and gruff and Toppy and a few lines in it lead me to believe that anything I might do with her I can expect him to be involved and neither one of them appealed to me quite enough to get involved in a dual-topping session from them.

Mostly importantly though was that lingering word that I hate.

“titties”

I hate it. It sounds like a word used to describe an animal, like a cow’s teets or a dog’s. Which therefore leads me to imagining it coming out of a uneducated redneck-drawled mouth and…….no. Just….no.

Tits is fine. Boobs is fine. But yet I also cringe at “boobies” unless its coming from a kid. The word “boobies” seems juvenile to me. Whether it comes from a man or woman, it just feels asexual. It’s a word that if said during dirty talk would feel like a bucket of cold water.

Of course my skeptical brain then sat there and thought about it and then wondered if that message did, in fact, come from HER. Was it maybe him controlling both accounts? Or just him logging in to her account on a whim? They are local, and if I cared enough I could figure out if she’s actually behind it. But despite a deep craving recently for girly sex or group sex, the intrigue just isn’t there enough for me to take the risk in trying.

I mentioned recently some advice on What Not to Say to Sex Bloggers when you email them.

So it’s only fair that I show you that not only do I get my share of nice, complimentary emails – I also get ones that bring me to happy tears. Seriously.

Here is part of his email I received today:

I want to thank you.

See, I remember when I first read your post regarding the Hot Fat Girl Revolution. I found it brave and (humorous as it sounds) even heroic. While I’m certainly not a woman, I couldn’t help but agree with each and every bullet point. The other day, I decided to show your post to my best friend of many years. She is that rare mixture of beauty, seductiveness, and allure the likes of which one only gets to observe once in a lifetime (and if you’re lucky, at that!). Despite this, she is what society deems “overweight,” and she cannot help but see herself flawed.

I don’t know exactly why I decided to share your post with her. Maybe it’s because she was feeling particularly downhearted that night, or maybe it’s because you remind me of her in some ways. Regardless…As she read your post, I saw a gleam enter her eyes and a confidence flash into her smile that I haven’t witnessed in a very long time.

So thank you, Lilly. Thank you for your courage, and for making another sensual, charming woman feel just that. Your inspiration and example is a truly fantastic thing.

This absolutely warms my heart, I love this email.

But I’m no hero….I’m not without my flaws and my faults and my moments of weakness as I stand in front of the dressing room mirror. A day spent shopping is my Kryptonite, it will reduce me to a curled up ball of despair, sobbing on my husband’s lap. That’s a bad day. A good day is today – when I know that one more person read those words and felt a little more powerful, a little more beautiful. A good day is today, when I can look in the mirror and like what I see.

However, models and shopping and clothes…that’s a topic for another day. Monday, perhaps.

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