Sadly, this TV Guide is no longer being updated due to pressure from two very unpleasant gentleman in dark suits who have persuaded Mr DeVille that it is in his best interests not to continue writing it.

Alex on the Box — The Utterpants
Essential Guide to what's on Telly this week, Alexander
DeVille, tells you what's worth staying in for and what might seriously
damage your health

TV GUIDE:
Monday 25th October - Monday 1st November

EASTENDERS MONDAY 25 October 7.30pm How
the hell did Minty ever get a job in the world of television? Anyway,
tonight the hapless Billy is determined to move on from his gormless wife
Little Mo, who suddenly disappeared from our screens without explanation
earlier this year. It’s unlikely he will meet anyone, because he’s
a skinny little shit who runs a fictional video shop.
Big Mo, the cockney talking wonder, meets her match in Demi and Darren.
If the Miller kids pissed around with me, I would kill the little buggers
with a metal stick. Sexbomb shagaholic Zoe finally hears from hardman
fruitcake Dennis — but will she get the news she wants? If not,
I will happily supply all she needs…and more. I wonder who will
‘cover the stall’ for Martin tonight?

MASTERMIND MONDAY 25 October 8.00pm
The smooth talking ‘wonder gob’ John Humphreys poses the questions
in the first of six semi-finals of the classically outdated anally retentive
quiz.

This week's line up of Britain’s most obnoxious nerds have chosen
the following crackpot subjects: British Prime Ministers of the 20th
century; Life and Works of Robert Fergusson; (who the hell cares?) Fawlty
Towers; and the English Civil Wars 1642-1651. Watch out for the cricket
questions in the general knowledge round. Yummy, grab the remote from
the ball and chain and park your bums on seats for this ‘televisual
feast’ as Basil Fawlty would say.

BARGAIN HUNT WEDNESDAY
27 October 7.00pm This week David Dickinson terrorises the people of Grimsthorpe
Castle in Lincolnshire. Poor bastards, someone should have warned them.
Both teams work at the castle, as gardeners, tour guides and park rangers.
Each team is advised by a dodgy ‘expert’ (my arse)…yabba
yabba, ‘cheap as chips’ etc. Wank.
If you want to complain that your licence money is being wasted,
call 0207 576 1234

WHAT NOT TO WEAR WEDNESDAY 27 October
8.00pmI
fucking hate the BBC and this is one of the reasons why. It’s
the series in which Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine set out
to make utter arses of themselves on national television. The ridiculous
idea is that they think Britain’s plebs can look stylish, whatever
their shape, height or age.
This week, 74 bored women, each suffering a mid-life crisis, embarrass
themselves when they lobby Trinny and Susannah for a total image transformation.
Idiots. Faced with a shockingly dressed crowd, who will Trinny and Susannah
rescue? Who cares? Two women's lives will be invaded as the taxpayer
funds the clueless duo to thoroughly research their wardrobes, friends
and families. Fucking Awful.

EASTENDERS, THURSDAY
28 October 7:30pm Demi plans her biggest scam yet, but this time the joke's on
her…stupid cow. The hapless goon Alfie ‘look at me’
Moon reaches breaking point with the dumpy Kat and cute arse Zoe. What
happened to Kelly?

THE FRANK SKINNER SHOW, THURSDAY
28 October10.00pm Who decides to make this shit? Brummie titwank Frank Skinner
(left) presents the show with a mind-numbingly bland mix of B-list celebrity
interviews, feeble topical comedy and musical performances from unknown
bands who make Teen Idol seem like a really good idea. What an arse!
His guests this week are Jamelia and Franz Ferdinand…enough said.

A QUESTION OF SPORT, FRIDAY
29 October8.00pmThe
delightfully pert arsed Sue Barker asks the questions in this budget
sports quiz. I would park her car any day. Team captains Matt Dawson
and Ally McCoist attempt to be mildly amusing. The teams are made up
of unknown sportsmen and women looking as uncomfortable in front of
the camera as they look when they're whinging about the heat in Olympic
events. Tossers!

STRICTLY COME DANCING, SATURDAY
30 October6.35pmCelebrities
pair up with professional dancers to compete in a ballroom dancing competition.
Bugger! Why couldn't they have called it 'strictly cum dancing' and
given us something to wrap our laughing gear around?That
number to complain to the BBC is
0207 566 1234.

THE WEST WING, SATURDAY 30
October7.35pmIt's Election Night in the West Wing and art imitates life as cuddly President Bartlet and his staff begin
counting chads in Florida. Meanwhile, dishy Donna meets an intriguing
Navy Commander who is keen to do a bit of deep sea diving between the
sultry siren's thighs. Utter bollocks!

SONGS OF PRAISE,
SUNDAY 31 October5.40pmThis
lovely lachrymose show aims to evaluate your relationship with religion
at large, so good books at the ready! Tonight we hear amazing stories
from people whose lives have been changed forever by the Bible. They
should've invited my wife to tell them about the time she was spared
a damn good thrashing by tucking the good book down the back of her
knickers. Plus there’s the usual selection of menopausal woman
singing in a church badly in need of a Trinny and Susanna makeover and
interviews with a load of old incontinent wrinklies. It’s never
been the same since Harry Secombe passed on though. Be there or be damned!

WORLD’S WILDEST POLICE VIDEOS
SUNDAY 31 October11:45pm Crash!
Bang! Wallop! Bollocks! It’s right out of Alan Partridge. Yes,
white van drivers across the nation will be setting up their VCR’s
to tape this buggering show. Basically it's grainy clips from police
helicopters, patrol cars and hi-tech surveillance equipment. And that’s
it. The show usually features an interview with an American policeman
from Alabama who says 'Don't mess with the law' a lot. Idiot! At least
Channel 5 is free, so no number to complain to, I'm afraid.

TOP GEAR, MONDAY 1
November 11:30pmSome
men actually masturbate over this show. I am lead to understand women
masturbate over the presenter. I wish someone would because the man
is complete arse! It's about cars, their speed, cost, colour, interior
and number of cupholders, etc. I've heard it’s very popular in
Africa, but remain unconvinced. I can’t imagine an Ethiopian driving
a Mercedes 250 SEL, can you?