Ten tips

The female body

I support her to deal with her body
image and health, and don’t load any negativity on.

I tend to criticise or put pressure on
her to look a certain way.

I accept her natural, healthy appearance with a peaceful mind.

I wish she was different.

I give her compliments regularly.

I am spare with my appreciation of her
looks and dress.

Pairs and triangles

I am clear about whether I want
monogamy or not.

I lean towards monogamy, unless I feel
differently at the time.

I am monogamous because I choose to be.

I am monogamous because it’s the
right thing to do.

I talk about issues of monogamy with my
partner.

It’s too difficult a subject and I get caught up in
reactivity when discussing it.

I know where and how I tend to
triangulate, and keep an eye on that as a danger zone.

Me, triangulate? No, I just like
golf/football/booze/flirting with other women.

I am not willing to engage in deception
– if I want to have an affair I will
be upfront about it.

Some things are better left unsaid
– what she doesn’t know doesn’t hurt her.

Fidelity

If my desire for other women starts
increasing, I consider what is going on.

If my desire for other women starts
increasing I just go with the flow.

I work to be contented with the whole
package of my partner.

I often look longingly at younger
women.

I know my own limits in flirting with
other women.

I don’t like to put artificial
limits on myself regarding other women.

I define clearly with my partner what
fidelity means.

Fidelity means what I want it to mean
at the time.

Jealousy

I acknowledge my insecurity.

When I get suspicious and jealous I
start accusing and blaming.

I acknowledge my attraction to others,
and reassure her of my commitment to her.

I deny my attraction to others.

I look for the grain of truth in
jealousy: where is the relationship being weakened?.

I don’t see any valid place for
jealousy.

If jealousy gets extreme, I address it
through therapy.

If jealousy gets extreme, our fighting
escalates.

I look into my own heart to determine
whether my friendships with women are in balance, or not.

I see nothing wrong with having women
friends, or being particularly good friends with a particular woman.

Ethics

I have my own clear code of ethics.

I have a general idea of my ethics, but
couldn’t tell you exactly what they are.

I consider myself and consider others
equally.

I’ll do whatever I damn well
please.

I engage in ongoing reflection about
what my ethics are.

I have my ethics from my upbringing, I
don’t need to think further about them.

I am willing to be challenged on how my
behaviour matches my values.

I don’t like to be challenged and
react defensively.

I am willing to speak what’s true
for me, even if I am afraid of the consequences.

I bend the truth when it suits me.

I am interested in ongoing dialogue
about what is ethical.

I think my own ethics are the best, and
like to tell others what they should do.

Real Friends

I treat my partner with the respect I
treat friends.

I don’t always act as a friend
towards my partner.

I develop a range of friendships.

I turn to my partner for all my
friendship needs.

I can share deeper things with my male
friends.

My male friendships tend to stay on the
surface.

I am open to (and invite) challenge
from my friends.

My friendships are mostly about having
a good time.

Straight from the hip

I ask directly for what I want.

I indicate my wants indirectly, and
expect my partner to know what I want.

Too much Substance

I am in control of my substance use.

I am not in control of my substance
use.

If I am not in control of my substance
use, I can admit it.

I am in control of my substance use as
long as I don’t have to change it.

If substances start to use me, I am
willing to do something effective about it.

I am not that worried by or willing to
change my substance use, whatever its effects.

I am willing to listen to feedback
about my substance use.

I get very defensive when challenged
about my use of substances.

If I feel shaky I will seek other forms
of support.

If I feel shaky, I am likely to get out
of it with the help of something.

Commitment

I am willing to commit myself and be
fully present in the relationship.

I am ambivalent and reluctant to really
invest myself in the relationship.

If it gets difficult, I will hang in
and find a way through.

If it gets too difficult, I am out of
here.

I find ways to keep my commitments and
stay fresh in the process.

My commitments end up feeling like
obligations I resent.

I didn’t see it coming

I take the pulse of the health of my
relationship and look to the future.

I assume things are basically okay and
prefer not to think too much ahead.

I listen carefully when she shows or
tells me things are not okay.

I don’t take her complaints that
seriously.

I am willing to face our problems.

I find it hard to believe things will
get so bad she will leave.

I am willing to seriously work on
myself.

I’m okay Jack, she is the one
that needs to change.

Nearing the end

When things are really hard I encourage
myself not to give up.

When things get really bad I think
there is no hope and want to give up.

I can clearly identify what I need to
work on, and what I need her to do differently.

I can’t really understand what
she wants.

I get support and challenge from
friends and therapy for dealing with difficult things.

I keep my problems to myself; I
don’t like to ask for help or admit how bad things are.

I take time out when things get
exhausting.

I don’t feel secure about either
of us taking time out.

When all our strategies don’t
work, I look for something really creative and
different.

If all our strategies don’t work,
I figure it’s time to get out.

I am willing to examine my 100%
contribution to the situation.

I think she should take at least 50% of
the blame, if not more.

Feminism

I act respectfully towards my partner.

I believe I have a right to act as I
want towards my partner, and if she doesn’t like it, that’s her
problem.

I negotiate what I want with my
partner.

I expect my partner to do as I want.

I respect other ways of thinking than
pure logic and reason.

I feel less respect for my
partner’s views when she doesn’t think logically.

I can accept her withdrawal as well as
her giving.

If she won’t give me what I want,
I get angry and pushy.

I am willing to be challenged and
consider any ways I objectify women.

I don’t mind a bit of an ogle at
women occasionally. I don’t see the harm in making lewd comments,
especially if they are not in earshot. Anyway, some women feel flattered by
wolf whistles.

I sweep her off her feet in the ways
she likes and wants that. I am tuned in to when to share the leadership or
step back.

I’m the man, so I should be in
charge.

Fighting

I walk away when things get too hot,
and wait until we are both cooled down before trying to discuss difficult
issues.

I get caught up in the heat of the
moment and engage in escalating arguments.

I find creative ways to vent my
frustration rather than fighting.

My tension builds up until I explode
and start a fight.

I ask what she is feeling when she is
upset. I am willing to simply listen to her frustrations.

I talk about the issue rather than what
is happening with her.

I am willing to drop my fixed views for
a moment in order to see her way of looking at things.

I am right, damn it.

When dealing with differences, I stick
to one topic at a time.

Either I or my partner throw in
everything else vaguely related when we fight.

I don’t participate in
generalising. I name specific gripes.

I generalise, make broad accusations
when angry.

I never agree to discuss important
issues when either of us is affected by drugs or alcohol.

Sometimes (often?) we discuss important
topics when under the influence.

I initiate raising difficult topics
rather than waiting for them to be brought up in conflict.

I wait until a fight to air my gripes.

Abuse

I don’t let myself be treated
disrespectfully, and withdraw if necessary.

Even after getting stung, I keep
staying there when it’s toxic for me.

I distinguish her anger from her
treating me badly.

I can’t handle her getting angry
at all. Why can’t she just speak to me calmly.

I use ‘I’ language rather
than argue.

I try to defend myself when being
attacked.

I can acknowledge the grain of truth
and still stand up for myself.

I won’t admit to anything.

I remember to breathe deeply when things
get tense.

I don’t even notice my breathing
when things get tense.

Around and around

I ask for what I want from my partner
100% of the time, knowing I won’t always get it.

I tend not to ask for what I want, and
end up resentful.

I offer support but don’t do it
for her.

I often feel guilty or sorry for her,
and end up rescuing her.

I know how I can end up forcing my way,
and work towards negotiation instead.

Me force my way? No never! Anyway, if
she doesn’t like what she gets, she can always speak up.

I don’t choose to stay the
‘innocent’ victim, nor do I stay stuck with the
‘guilty’ role.

I seem to end up always being the
guilty party. Or else I am often the innocent one, the victim.

Responsibility

I cooperatively decide with my partner
on who is responsible for what in our relationship.

I assume responsibility for certain
areas and assume she is responsible for other areas without really checking
it out.

I adopt an attitude of responsibility
for the choices I make. I accept there may be consequences which I
can’t always control and I don’t always want.

If something goes wrong, I tend to
blame others and feel hard done by and bitter.

Men’s groups

I am willing to try out a men’s
group to see if it’s for me.

I am used to hanging out down the pub,
why should I consider anything else?

The vision

I look ahead at the kind of
relationship I want, and talk about it with my partner.

I ‘go along with the flow’,
take what comes, and tend to let her think about the bigger picture.

Total Column A

Total Column B

Total Score = Column A– Column B

1250+

0

You are God’s gift to your partner.
You have a great relationship, can handle most of what comes up quite
well. She thinks you are the greatest. If this doesn’t quite sound like
you, check some of your answers.

Your strengths are qualified by
a serious need to change your ways. Consider some dramatic efforts to
stop sinking into mediocrity.

1000+

-250

Yeah, you’re doing well. Pat yourself
on the back but don’t get complacent. See if she agrees with your self
evaluation.

Not looking good here. If she keeps
staying with you, its pure luck, and that’s going to run out some time.
Don’t wait.

750+

-500

Not bad, but look into the areas
you need to develop in. Why settle for less?

You need some serious support to
change your ways. Be prepared for a lot of challenge and serious personal
work.It will be worth the effort in the end.

500+

-750

Still on the up, but a few leaks
here and there...deal with them before they get bigger. Be proactive,
don’t wait till things start going downhill.

You’ve read the book, now start
to apply it; you don’t have any room to move other than up. …and you’d
better get cracking!

250+

-1000

Getting down to the wire. Quite
a bit of attention needed to some major areas of your relationship.

Congratulations on reading this
far. It is going to take a number of years to turn your boat around.
Either that or keep hitting the rocks.