New, England - (May 11) -
Death and disease as we know them are, apparently, about
to be totally, finally, you know, OVER!!!

This exciting scientific breakthrough was made just this
past weekend by after-hours temps, fishing through the
wastebaskets at the New England Journal of Medicare
Scams, looking for leftover donuts or Twinkies or
whatever.

"I thought I saw this, like, chocolate glazed
jelly-creme thing underneath some balls of wadded up
paper and Q-tips," said Rebecca Kramer, director of the
temp cleanup crew that not only does the offices of the
New England Journal of Medicare Scams, but also
does the offices of the Bethesda Navel Hospital.

"But, when I fished it out, what I thought was a donut,
turned out to be this, like, leftover DNA or something
-- so I threw it down on the floor and stomped it into
the ground, till it was dead."

Apparently Kramer, aware that the dreaded DNA is the
number one cause of all death and disease in the world
and history, made the scientific leap to the realization
that, if we could just stomp or stamp out all
DNA, we could stomp or stamp out all death and
disease.

"To prove my theory," Kramer continued, "I yanked out my
own DNA and stomped it into the, you know,
ground, right there, till it was dead. And, to this day,
I have never died and continue to live forever --
so, obviously, it works."

News of the discovery has spread rapidly through certain
segments of the population, and sanitation departments
are already warning they will be unable to dispose of
all the dead DNA fast enough, and will therefore be
forced to compress it all into a single mass the size of
the moon, and rocket these new moons into deep space,
each week, strapped to surplus Titan rockets.

Physicists, however, are apparently warning that the
continual jettisoning of these huge moon-sized balls of
pure compressed DNA into deep space, will, by Newton's
2nd or whichever law, irrevocably change the orbit of
the earth which, in turn, will cause wildly fluctuating
global cataclysms of Weather, News, and Sports.

Wired Sold!

Wired, which is, apparently, a magazine or
something, was apparently bought or sold by somebody,
sometime in the last week or so.

The company that bought it, apparently did so from the
company that used to own it, but doesn't any more.

"The company that used to own it doesn't own it
anymore," said a spokesman for the company that now owns
it. "Now, we own it."

Wired became famous almost overnight cause it is
written entirely by people who have just come in after a
hard day roping cattle and breaking horses and mending
fence on their Montana cattle ranches and can only,
apparently, wind down by immediately penning lengthy
diatribes on what digital convergence will mean
to the delicate art of giving the finger.

It is also famous for being edited entirely by people
who have just come in after a hard day's work of trying
to get Jerry Garcia to include their latest catch phrase
in his next song so they can call themselves "former
Grateful Dead lyricists," on their Wired bios.

The company that used to own Wired but doesn't
anymore will now, apparently, focus all its efforts and
money on its Wired Digital division, which makes the
popular Wired Digital Rectal Exam Kits which allow
people to give themselves digital rectal exams at home
or at the office or while driving down the freeway to
work.