Friday, November 26, 2010

I have always dreamed vivid realistic dreams. I am also quite frequently able to awake and return to my dreams where I left off. This is great when it is a good dream but not when I am having a nightmare. Last night was one of those nightmare nights.

Restless sleep mixed with a vivid never ending nightmare, which transfered into my awake state enough to leave me confused about my surroundings are bad enough. But Mix that with a nightmare of being committed to mental hospital by my father with the help of my friends only to be told they would never see me again, no one would, made last night's experience brutal. In my dream I was wandering the hospital looking for a way home in my gown, only to get turned around and returned to my bed. Then I would wake up and think I was in my dream.

My mind was caught in circle of thought, asleep I was back in the asylum, awake I was dreading returning the asylum and had panic attacks every time I awoke. As I am writing this hours later it is still fresh in my mind and have been mildly traumatized all day. I am off my emotional game today big time.

Psychotropic drugs used to treat mental illness can cause intense dreams and nightmares. It is just something you have to live with. But every once and awhile the perfect storm of restless sleep and nightmares strikes and I am still surprised at the emotional toll it can take on me. Part of it is the subject of my evening, a fear of a lot of people living with mental illness is being committed to a hospital, mix this will trippy confusing visuals and the sleep - consciousness crossing and it becomes a micro mental health event. Lets hope tonight is all rainbows and fucking unicorns or just a plain of no dream sleep.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I don't usually write much about my past especially the painful parts, the family parts. The parts that have very slow healing wounds and leave long lasting scars. But I will write about one such event, that is one of the triggers of my holiday season crazies.

I was a older young person and It was my freshman year in university, and my battle with BiPolar Disorder was in it's relative infancy. My family had planned a huge get together in Vermont so the Canadian & American families could all be together at the same time. They had rented a lodge, planned a cool trip to a maple syrup factory and skiing in nearby New Hampshire. I was excited, I love the country in the winter, that crisp clean feeling, the smell of a fireplace. Which to this day is one of my favorite things.

The problem was, I was not well entering the holiday season. My Mania was running wild and soon I was living in the land of rapid cycling. I spent my semester's money on booze, and side trips. Living a life larger than I could afford. I was loud and treated my family with verbal barbs when they tried to rein me in for my own good. I soon crashed and was again suicidal. I attempted to hang myself only to fail and found myself in hospital in NYC.

You can imagine the scene in a NYC psch ward, it was a zoo, and me going from 100mph to 0 at a days notice. But for me it was about to get worse. My family convinced my parents to leave me in hospital and come on vacation. They said, "Steven is sick and does not need you right now, what you need is time away from him". This was told to me at a later time by my Mum. My parents caved into the request and soon left for Vermont.

I was locked in a ward at xmas, they decorated with paper only. Because anything else could be used as a weapon. The xmas lights and tree were hidden behind that glass that has the wire in it and we could watch holiday movies from behind the TV's plexiglass cover. The whole xmas season, I received no visits, no calls, no contact from my family. They were all off in the place I had hoped to be, but my mind would not allow.

My parents on return apologized for leaving me saying they had no choice and later my aunt told me to stop whining my parents needed a break from the shit I was starting. After that experience I always grasped onto the holidays, holding them as a important barometer to my social, family health my belonging.

I was lucky for many years my holidays with my wife were always great, filled with friends and family, yet I was always worried I would be left out. Jay would have to comfort me in the weeks leading to them, reassuring me that I would not be left alone.

Family can make mistakes, they are allowed, and it is only human. I forgave my parents and understand they made a bad choice when they were also not in the right frame off mind. Mental Illness, stresses families into tough places. It strips them of control. I may never feel comfortable or settled this time of the year. My holiday in hospital, alone may stay will me forever. But I am not totally alone. I do have many people who care for me as I do them. I just get a little nuts this time of year.

Yesterday's post, came from a place in my mind ruled by, depression, and fear. In doing so I hurt and insulted some people whom I see as my closest friends and people who have stood by me when I have been at my lowest and not just when I am at my Healthiest.

First I have to apologize to my best friend, a women who has so many times looked after me when I was down, A woman who dispite the diffulculty of raising two great kids, taking care of a very ill husband all the while juggling a full time teaching job. Airdrie I am sorry, that my words hurt you. I am sorry if I took your friendship for granted. I have no excuses except my damaged mind, but this is little compared to the hurt I have caused you. You are my best friend, now and always. I appreciate you even if I have difficulty showing it.

To My friends from afar like John, Barney, Eric and Al. Your friendship has been with me for years and too has suffered to some extent from my illness as well. Yet you have always stood by me, especially Al, we grew up together and shared so many day and nights, we know each other more than two people can. I was and am still part of your family, as you are mine. Your family excepted me as their own, and welcomed me into their home when I was at my worst not just my best. A fact that brings me warmth whenever I think of it.
Eric you too have been by my side thru so many things and even if we have not seen each other in years you will always be one of my best friends. Barns, your friendship is fairly new on this list, yet you have too been a good friend, and that was from the moment we met. I look forward to it's growth in the future.
John, I speak to you almost every day, we can talk for hours and these hours help get me through my rough days and lighten up my good ones. We are similar animals on a similar path, your friendship means more to me than I can readily wax on about. But I think you know that.

To anyone else I may have forgotten, my previous blog post was about my sense of loss of family, and my loneliness that seeps in during this time of year. It sparks a ugly behavior like envy when I see others starting to gather My depession can turn me into a person that even I would not be friends with.
I am very and completely sorry and humbled by my friends kindness and love.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

As we enter the beginning of the holiday season and people , friends, family all hunker down with each other to feel the love and the safety that comes with this love, I stand alone.

I once had these kind of holiday seasons, full of friendship, family and love, but they have been slowly stripped from me one brick at a time till my emotional foundation was like the end game piece of a Jenga game. Some of my friends and family are lost to me through natural reasons, people come in your life and people go. I think about a lot of them but they do not hold heavy on my soul. There are the friends and family that have passed away, many of them to were not bricks that held part of my emotional life together.

The ones that hurt, the losses that rip out my soul are those of my close family and friends. This is my first holiday season without any real family or circle of friends. This year it was the loss of my father, before that my mother and before that my best friend, my wife Jay. I have lost friends due to my mental illness and the damage that it causes, some where family but most are friends.

So I sit and watch commercials, shows, news stories, tweets and facebook messages all beginning to talk about the holidays. And they are killing my soul, stealing what is left of my humanity and ability to love. I am dying and there may not be many holiday seasons left for me. But I fear they will all be alone. This is not the time of year to develop new friends and to be welcomed inside from the cold because all are already nesting, planning for the season.

The most difficult thing in my mental illness is the loneliness, that hollow helpless soul crushing loneliness. It forces people to keep a distance but let them close enough for me to see. My best friends, either live to far away, or have a family of their own. There is no blame to be given, I was just the odd one out. I should be grateful ,blah, blah, blah, for what I once had. I am and I miss it.

The one time a year that you know you have and are not a have not is when someone says, "You are welcome here, you for this season are family". I am not alone in this feeling thousands feel it every year, and thousands more will next year.

I am facing my rabbit hole of depression, questioning everything in my life, wondering what I have done wrong and what I can do, if anything to salvage a life out of what I have. A life without people to share it with, the tears, the laughter, the quiet normalcy, is little of a life. For some this is ok, for me years ago this may have been fine. But to me now, after I have tasted the wine of companionship it is not. This season may be a watermark for me. I may get the answer to my pain. The pain and human void that this disease, this horrifically isolating disease has brought me.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I woke up this morning expecting to be writing about my back surgery. But I am not, after waiting all morning in the admissions area of VGH, and not eating and drinking for 12 hours, they once again bumped my surgery.

I am done, I guess the pain which has left me either unable to walk, stand or sit for more than 10 minutes is not enough for them, They keep telling me not to worry but my big surgery is still going to happen after New Years. I am saying FUCK YOU. I am in agony, and have been for all reason bed bound for 2 weeks. I have been once again told to go back to my bed and suffer some more.

Pain alone is a horrible thing, it demoralizes ths best of us. But I am also prone to depression. Depression enjoys pain and uses it to further degrades it's victims and I am degraded, and my depression is worse than usual, I feel abandoned by the healthcare system. I feel like crawling away and never coming back. I feel worthless, because if I was worth something I would get care and not live in pain,

Maybe the pain is karma from the shitty things I have done, maybe I deserve to suffer so. What I do know is that I am very very angry and disappointed and want to curl up and die, because then I would be pain free. But I want to live so there is the rub. Maybe I will just stop moaning online and leave everyone alone. I know you are all tired of my bitching.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Stop It Already!!! We are bombarded with some kinds of marketing ploy in every venue of our lives it has become a non-stop cacophony of "Buy This", "I Can Make Your This" , blaa blaa blaa bull shit.

I expect it from TV it is for the most part transparent 15 minutes of programming then 3 minutes of ad man noise. Then we had Infomercials, these schlocky hour long advert loosely disguised as a "Talk Show" or "New Magazine Story" to sell us crap that usually does not work. So no wonder the marketers have discovered the easy street that is "The Blog".

When blogging started they were for the most part personal logs from a real person about their lives, They were a window into our friends or people we wanted to be our friends. I liked that, I still for the most part only read personal blogs. So no surprise when the enterprising marketer discovered blogging. They could create digital adverts, or co-op people into a outlet for their digital adverts.

I will continue to support personal blogs and commercial blogs which will place real reviews and critical articles on them. I really like a blog that is commercial like Vancitybuzz.com . He at least will be critical of stuff and it is not all rainbows and unicorns.

If we are not careful, social media will be totally co-oped by marketers and the open speech information sharing that occurs will vanish as people loose trust in the medium.

The blogs that I personally find to be nothing more than at best a arm of marketers and at worst a Blogfomercial. It is the Blogfomercials that really get to me, the use of a media which people associate with real people writing real opinions are nothing more than "Advertising" , Glossed up to or down to look like a personal review or subject of interest.

How do they do this? Well bloggers love clicks, love attention and love free shit. Perfect for marketers, where giving a blogger a free dinner, trip, product in return for a positive experience blog post is cheaper and more effective target advertising than a TV spot, or a ad in the local fishwrapper weekly.

I personally now because of the lack of un-compensated blogs only take product, dinner, event recommendations, from friends or community review sites like Yelp. It is a symbiotic parasitic relationship for the marketers and bloggers. The marketers get cheap promotion, the bloggers get free crap, but the consumer like me gets a non-review review. If you do not believe me, visit some of these blogs, do you ever, ever see a critical restaurant review? Or hear about a dirty room at a hotel? never!

This atmosphere of blogomericals has also taken hold on twitter, especially since it has become the wild west of marketing. Anyone who has ever sold anything, is somewhat tech and social media savy is marketing their wares on twitter now, filling friends streams up with one pitch after another. Me personally would love to see a commercial and non commercial twitter stream.

My depression is holding steady still good that I am not jumping down the rabbit hole that I have been down so many times. This is probably due to me getting the right meds and actually taking them. Yet I am fighting my demon, my emotional wall.

I tend to force my wall up when I feel fragile or vulnerable. I hate it because I will keep people at a distance and I have been working hard to not due this and have made some strides. Still my mind tells me that I am better off protected. The problem is that I do not want to be alone, I hate it. I try and tell myself that I can have my walls up and still not be alone, I will just go back to surface relationships with people other than the ones I emotionally trust. See I have major abandonment issues.

My abandonment issues started with the sexual abuse that my uncle victimized me with. For year I did not stand up for myself and once I did, half of my family chose sides and sided with my Uncle rather than crazy Steven. I grew up with half a family, crappy holidays, less of a family support system because of me defending myself. My next sense of abandonment came with my discovering that I was adopted. I was a teen, dealing with the usual teen search for a sense of self identity and poof, all I thought of who I was, was gone. I was soon losing friends as my Bipolar Disorder became apparent, more real and imagined abandonment,

I did ok for awhile til my wife got sick and died. She was the first person in my adult life to accept me for what and who I was, did not judge me and loved me until the end. After she was gone I learned that her side of the family left me as well. I was just beginning to love the holidays and now they were gone. I learned to build my walls keeping all but a few people completly out. and letting them in only as close as my heart could be comfortable in.

This fear of abandonment has done me no good, it has caused me to loose more people who cared for me than I at most times willing to admit. I have left a path of emotional damage behind me. Ironically my fear of hurting others with my fucked up issues has also played a huge part in my wall building.

Now days I do not want to live this way, I want a full life with the amazing people in my life, but I fear that I cannnot heal, cannot learn to be a friend. I sleep with my fear and depression wondering if I am too broken for anyone who already has a life to want to stick around.

I am working to not be this, working to be a better person who is not controlled by his fears and abandonment both real and imagined. I hope by writing about this both me and others will great understand who I am.

I love my friends they are the only family I have left. I am just not sure that I show it enough or at all.

Friday, November 12, 2010

The recent downturn in my physical health is beginning to have a emotional toll on me as well. On Wends. my pain came to a crescendo, which had me going to emerg again. This time they wanted to operate to relieve some of my pain, and that was good because I am reaching the end of my pain rope. For over a week I have been basically bed bound, unable to walk, stand or do anything, simply a prisoner of my mattress.

I was admitted to hospital only to find out in the morning that they could not do the surgery because the hospital was understaffed. I was heartbroken, and left to go home with a fist full of stronger pain meds and the mattress of solitude. I am a strong guy stronger than probably most people think. I have battled a lot of crap in my life and although I have been beaten up I walked out the other side. I will do this again, there is little doubt of it.

Here is the big "But", I am exhausted, isolated, in pain and stuck in this damn apt. I am also finding that my depression is increasing with my pain, my minds ability to fight off this situation is growing increasingly difficult. Depression feeds on misery, face it misery is like potato chips for depression, it can't have just one and chooses to feed till the bag is empty. I am not going down my rabbit hole but I am peeking into it. I will get through this, but right now it really fucking sucks.

I am on stronger meds so my while it reduces my pain, it increases my zombieness. It is I guess the price I have to pay right now for less physical pain, and I have hope that my psych meds will help with my emotional pain. Maybe soon I will have a truce with the mattress of solitude, until then I have sleep, cable TV and the internet.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Due to medication induced writer's block today's post cosists of just a video and my Movember facial hair update.

This Video is a song from a American singer song writer Iris Dement. The song is about what happens when we leave this world. Not a sad song mind you, just a favorite of mine and my late wife. The song gives me comfort.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Waiting for the other shoe to fall, it is past time for many and not just people like me with living with a mental illness. But for us it can take us for a emotional and behavioral ride that even Chicken Little could not imagine. Yes it is ok to worry, we all do it and it is natural but for me worrying that that shoe will drop leads me into my Bipolar tail chasing. My personal Chicken Little syndrome is about fear of abandonment or that I will be disappointed by or that I will disappoint someone .

Some may see my easy going, what happens, happens attitude as a extreme type "B" personality but it is only a survival skill that I have developed over the years. Life will always fling poo in the path of my journey and if I walk around expecting said poo to land on my face I can spend little to enjoy the journey for what it is, and yes that includes the occasional poo in face.

Will people hurt me, probably, will life fuck with me yup, but it also does that to everyone else. The difference is that with me it could trigger my depression and anxiety in a second if I do not take a step backwards. I am a overly sensitive person I react badly to situations which trigger my emotions. I have made a attempt in my life whenever I can not to expect the shoe to drop but to see the sky beyond and the place I am in right now.

For the people living with mental illness we have had thousands of shoes drop some big some small and a lot hurt when they hit you. It is easy for us to focus on the shoe that may or may not come and soon that shoe is big enough for Mother Goose to use as a time share in Boca. The point of this is. I cannot avoid my feelings and worries, but I can try to understand them and spend too much energy letting them feed in my head. Even Chicken Little learned that the sky is not always falling and we are all smarter than poultry.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

For a lot of people living with mental illness medication is a necessary evil they help us maintain mental wellness and live a happy, fruitful life. But this life can come with side effects and one of the most common and mentioned is weight gain.

drugs like Seroquel which is commonly referred to as the "Carb Monster" can pack on weight by doing two things, slowing the metabolism and craving carbs and other tasty tidbits in epic amounts. I am will to be larger if I can maintain a healthier mental life but some people struggle with this. The media and society also stigmatizes fat people. I am tired of people saying, "Just exercise and eat well" and the weight will come off" as this is not always possible with people on psychotropic meds. All the dieting and healthy eating in the world will not help when the meds just put weight on you. And a fuck you to the fitness industry who feeds off the insecurity of people..

TV shows talk about dieting at no end because we think thinner people are better people yet no one talks about the 20% of North Americans who are on Psych Meds whose weight gain is not a choice but one that is a effect of working to stay sane. How many thousands of people we see every day who are not rail thin are on meds. How many people who others have said, "Look how he or she let herself go" is taking life saving meds.

If you throw in the stigma of mental health on top of the stigma of weight gain, people living with mental illness are faced with a double whammy of finger pointing. Again I will state that I am comfortable with my size and like myself, my weight gain is a direct effect from my meds, but my sanity is more important than being able to fit into Lululemon clothes. And while I am on Lululemon, as a company fuck you for judging people who are not tits on a stick, some of us have a reason for not being a size zero, it is called survival. So think before you judge someone on size for any reason not just medication induced chubbiness, we are all just trying to live.

Friday, November 5, 2010

In the battle for education, care and stigma reduction the lines in the sand have been made into dangerous quick sand by the Cult known as "The Church of Scientology". Since 1952 Scientology has waged a personal war against Psychiatry worldwide and this war has come at the cost of not only the mental health lives of thousands but also has claimed many physical lives directly.

Many people desperately seeking answers to their own or family member's struggles with mental illness come face to face with lead them to many placing offering answers from government agencies to not for profits who seek to educate with Mental Health options. But one group in particular has used the internet, social media, traditional media and front groups to push their dangerous agenda more than any other, Scientology.

Many of us are aware of this so called churches feeling on modern, evidence based Psychiatry. From their anti Psych poster boy Tom Cruise's now infamous rant on the "Oprah" show and the "Today" show. Scientology has proved to be a danger to those seeking reliable help. But the real truth is that they have created Front Groups or Cooped existing groups in order to fuel their paranoid hate of mainstream mental healthcare. The largest and best funded of these groups is the deceptively titled, "Citizens Commission on Human Rights" (CCHR). This slick org which calls it's self a Human Rights Org only has one function, the destruction of Psychiatry and nothing else. They have also created a youth front group targeting pediatric psychiatry called DrugFreeChildren.org.

They also have flooded Youtube with anti psych videos and publish thousands of blogs seemingly from mental health survivors and professional that lead people to the church and their front groups. They have managed to produce documentaries that are shown on mainstream cable networks.

in 1996 the Church of Scientology sued and forced the "Cult Awareness Network" into bankruptcy, they then bought the domain name and trademark and now run the network themselves as a front group telling people that they are a religious and therapeutic option.

In one of the most tragic personal events in recent years Scientology convinced Elli Perkins and her Husband to not medicate their son Jeremy Perkins, a 28 year old untreated schizophrenic and on March 13th 2003 Jeremy stabbed his mother 77 times.http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/JeremyPerkins/ .

This is just one horrific examples of how dangerous the advice of Scientology is in regards to Mental Illness.
Seeking advice for Mental Health issues is a life and death issue and with the Cult's ability to manipulate media so well this leaves so many at risk. Most people dealing for the first time with a sick loved one will naturally seek any options for care and it makes sense that they would follow a course that does not lead to medications or main stream therapies, this is all part of the public's Stigma in regards to Mental Health.

The best way to fight this stigma is to speak out be a voice and provide real, proven options to the community or else dangerous groups like Scientology will continue to destroy lives for their own twisted end.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Bedsides my mental illness I also suffer from Chronic and severe pain. I am used to living each day in physical pain I have no choice and you somewhat get used to it. But on other days my pain is so bad that I am unable to function like anywhere near a normal physical level.

Today my spine pain was so severe mixed with a condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome caused me to shit and piss myself, I am also suffering from loss of feeling in my genitals. I am scared, in pain and mix that with my anxiety and depression and I am a pretty fucked up person. I may have to have surgery early next week if the swelling and self shitting continues.

I am not good at being cared for, I am used to being the care giver or being alone, that is what I know and this behavior of keeping everything to me has and is destroying personal relationships. By behavior is my fault and mine alone. I am fighting to change this but it is not going as smooth and easy as I would like. My selfish attitude must change because right now I am frankly being a asshole.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Living with a mental illness no matter what the diagnosis is never easy, we face a maze of barriers every day. These barriers vary greatly amongst the mental health community and from region, and country. The barriers I faced in the United States are very different in many ways from the ones I see every day here in Canada. The one constant one that myself and many others like me battle with everywhere is that of the high functioning mental health survivor.

Everyone has seen the visible person living with a mental illness, you know the scene. The man or woman who is talking to people who are not there, or the young person wearing a winter coat in July who cannot make eye contact or seems socially in pain. What we rarely see is the person who goes to a office every day or works in a factory seems on most outward appearances to be fairly normal.

There are lots of services and support for the lower functioning or persons with multiple barriers in the community, from drop-ins to medical and therapy services. The community actively looks out and rightfully for this segment of the Mental Health Community but those who do not need such intensive support has a hard time accessing help.

Not being visibly ill leaves us unable due to economic or social reasons to access services available to others.
I see it when I speak with mental health professionals, they are so overwhelmed by the community that is on the edge that my invisible community falls through the cracks and is left to seek out help on ones own.

I perfect example of this is Vancouver is the "Mental Health Team". The Vancouver Coastal Health Authority Mental Health Teams provide Psychiatric care for thousands of people in the lower mainland. But I cannot access their services because I make too much money and I seem to not be quiet the kind of sick they can take. I am still on a waiting list for a private Psychiatrist this could take 6 months to a year. I am high functioning but I am also living with a drug resistant, case of BiPolar I. And I can become very ill very quickly. It is a simple case of being very sick, yet not sick enough.

This problem may seem to a outsider to be trivial but to the millions who live in my segment of the Mental Health Community it is not. We tend to suffer in silence and that too is a shame. On a positive side social media has become a place where the community can and does share information and support in ways many others cannot access regularly. In so many ways we are the "Lost Nuts" of the Mental Health Community.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Welcome to day two of my attempt to blog each and every day during November. Today was a difficult day to blog because of the elections in the southern land of teabaggistan. So my post tonight will just me relishing in the loss of the Non Masturbating Witch and teabagger Christine O'Donnell with a bat shit crazy photo flashback.

Monday, November 1, 2010

It is NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) again whereas one should write a post everyday for 30 days. Last year I attempted this while I was a brand new and yet to be trolled baby blogger and made it 12 days. This year I am a year older wiser and more maybe less nuts who knows. I am not raising any money this year as everyone is screwed from the economy and I am raising money for "Movember" whilst I grow facial hair resembling a 70's porn star or Tom Selleck maybe a mix of both. You can donate for that HERE.

What I am going to do in my never ending battle to fight Mental Health Stigma is write a post everyday on what I will do and what I would not do to keep myself sane and healing. Hoping to use humor and facts to debunk some of the stand alone remedies for mental illness I will also mention healthy positive ideas to improve mentally healthy living for people suffering with Mental Illness and those who care for and love them. I will also mention a Bipolar Hero of the Day at the bottom of all my posts this month.

DAY ONE:

WHAT I WONT DO TO STAY SANE:

Might as well start with a biggie , Scientology! The cult of Scientology has waged a war on mental health care for years, claiming medications are evil and destroy the souls of humans. They think space aliens and made by cult member lie detectors are far, far effective and keeping folks from suffering depression. This treatment lasts only as long as your back account still have cash in it. They Xenu will cover your body with spare straight theatans from Tom Cruises body. They have created false Psychiatry organizations showing fake sciencey data that only "Their" ($$$$) vitamins and spending time all sweaty in sauna with guys like Tommy boy can treat your mania.

WHAT I WILL DO TO STAY SANE:

I will take my Meds and take them as prescribed by my Physician. Today's meds may have some bad side effects like (Midnight Dorito Consumption Syndrome) or (Nothing Will Fit me at American Eagle Outfitters Disorder). These meds do work once you and your medical professional find the right fit. No one likes taking pills face it but the alternative in my life is far worse and could kill me and I know most of you do not wish me dead. Also because that one pill works well does not mean you should eat them like a bag of skittles in the hands of a 6 year old. Over taking your meds is just as dangerous if not more.