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7.22.2010

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The last 2 weeks for me have been proof of a few things: 1) God will answer requests 2) Life can change at the drop of a hat, so be careful with those long-term plans.

Tomorrow is my last day in an office I've spent a lot of time in. I did an internship here in 2007 and with the exception of the last 4 months of my senior year in undergrad, I've not left. I've seen a lot and I've learned a lot. I'm so ready to leave but I will miss some of these people.

Anyway, as I've begun cleaning out my desk, I'm finding things that got buried way at the bottom of endless "to read" piles. Below is something I wrote and dated for almost 2 years ago. I must've been feeling awfully introspective, but I'm unsure of what exactly the catalyst for this was. It's handwritten, which is also interesting. I usually type up most everything so I can always have a copy. I typically handwrite things that I want to throw away, but I didn't throw this away.

I haven't decided yet how much of this still applies...

Originally written 12/26/08 - not edited

There's something there on the tip of my tongue. It's at the front of my brain. It's ready to come out. I'm not ready to let it out. I fear it'll cause damage or make me be honest in a way I've never been before. For people I don't trust. It's raining outside and there's this total calm that the insanity and unpredictability of the rain that's just... very hard to explain except to say it's a lot like my life and how I see the world.

My life is just one intense calamity after another and yet I'm so calm in the middle of it. It's like the unpredictability of it all keeps me sane. Like knowing what's next would freak me out. But even in the middle of all that calm, I'm scared and confused and lonely and I just want one person to step up and reach through the insanity into the calm and around the fear and hold me. Tight.

Vulnerability is a four-letter word in my world. It makes me have to lose all control. Control over stuff I don't really have control over -- which makes my inability to let go that much more difficult to understand. I want to open up. I want to be free. I want to know that if I did that you, whoever you are, would still love me. So I guess that's the one thing I need to know. The corner I don't want to round - the one unpredictable thing I want to be very predictable.

I don't feel like anything is missing -- as if there's a hole in my heart. But there's this feeling I used to have that I haven't felt in a very long time. I want to feel it again. When I had the feeling it made me believe I was normal and that sometimes I could knock the wall down and just F-E-E-L. So one more time and then again for the rest of my life, I want to feel that feeling. For someone who feels it back.

Wonder why it is some people meet these amazing people so early on in their live sand everything falls into place and then others never meet anyone else or take a very long time or whatever it is that happens.

I'm not desperate I'm...ready-ish. I'm ready to get ready. That's it. Ready to function and feel.

These flaws I've got, they're a part of who I am. Take me or not, but I finally understand. I'm so done trying to be everything you want. I have to stop, cause baby you aint worth it, if I gotta camouflage.

What if I'm camouflaging myself for myself? I want to be palatable to myself. Not that I don't love myself. No not at all - just... maybe I'm scared of what all of me is like. Would it be too much for people to understand? To accept? To love?