“PARKER, THESE ARE JUST DRAWINGS OF SPIDERMAN”

Parker, these are just scribbles of Spiderman. These are made out of glossy paper and crayon.

[Slightly NSFW. This is going to get a little weird. But you should know that if you’ve read literally any of our monologues.]

What is he doing in this one, Parker?!?

Is he shooting web or is he jacking off onto the Green Goblin? Parker, are you telling me Spiderman’s just been shooting ejaculate onto this city for years?

Robbie, stop all the presses. “SPIDER’S SPERM SOAKS THE CITY”. Make that the front page headline. You know what? Make “CITY” spelled “SIT-EE”, just so it’s all “S” words. Damn the pronunciation! Just do it!

Good god, Parker! I’ve taken that web stuff home in jars! Just to research! JUST TO RESEARCH!

Are you telling me I spent two thousand dollars on a scientific microscope for my basement just so I could look at the jism of a six-foot man?

I used my wife’s discarded jam jars, that’s how. Oh god, one time she washed one of them out and reused it for jam! Oh god! I didn’t ask her about it because I had already eaten some before I noticed! Oh god!

Miss Brant, call my psychiatrist! No, my wife will not be coming!

What’s that, Parker? Are you still here? Well, I remember it was mixed with strawberry jam and maybe that was part of it, but it tasted like coconut and blood.

…

I’ve craved it ever since, but the stuff usually evaporates before I can get to it. I’ve got a scaffolding guy I hire in secret to try and climb buildings and grab samples.

Parker, listen to me: if Robbie poured some of that spider gunk down his show I would devour it right now in front of you, Robbie (who I assume would be mortified), Miss Brant, and the entire Daily Bugle.

Now this is super gross.

Parker, get out of here! Get me pictures of Spiderman! But no pictures of his webs! I can’t stand to look at them.

The scribble drawing, which is solid for a 10-year old’s work, is from theanimatedwoman.com. Props to the kid for drawing Ben Reilly. Sure, he was an embarrassment, but the kid’s hip to the older stuff.