Pop Culture: Sittin’ on the dock of eBay, stuck in reverse

Sunday

Sep 28, 2008 at 12:01 AMSep 28, 2008 at 12:40 AM

I did something the other day that I rarely do. No, it wasn’t “wrote something funny.”?That would fall into the “extremely rarely” category. The thing I did that I rarely do was this:?I bought something on eBay.

Dennis Volkert

I did something the other day that I rarely do.

No, it wasn’t “wrote something funny.”?That would fall into the “extremely rarely” category.

The thing I did that I rarely do was this:?I bought something on eBay.

The victory came as a surprise. I placed the bid on a whim, never thinking in a million years (or at least in 1d, 2 h, 27m) that I’d snag the prize.

Fortunately, the merchandise was something that I (a) wanted and (b) could afford.

It could’ve been disastrous. If you aren’t careful, you can get into trouble with these auction sites, if you let your “wishing hemisphere” get crossed with your “wallet lobe.”

You know the feeling.

“Let’s see what’s for sale today. Oh, the state of Colorado. That’d be fun to own! What’s the minimum bid??$49.7 trillion? For Colorado??That seems a little steep. Maybe if it weren’t used ...”

Lately, whenever I use technology in any form, I get an overwhelming sense of my future self looking back at the moment and scoffing. I do not fear technology. I fear impending nostalgia. It’s like I’m a human beta version.

Some people look at technology and ask, “Why not?”?I look at technology and think, “leisure suit.”

Cyberspace is a little more techno-stable than the hardware that drives it, but Web sites still have a limited shelf life. In 20 years, the only place you’ll be able to find eBay is on eBay.

My out-of-body retrospectivism keeps me from experiencing the joy of innovation. This feeling grows chronic after I watch “Modern Marvels” episodes like “’80s Tech,”?which I did earlier this week.?

The program was a walk down joystick lane. Yes, the groundbreaking products of that decade begot groundbreaking products of tomorrow, which is now today. But once the begetting began, the begitter begone.

Partway into the program came the inevitable discussion about VCRs. As I watched, my memory began to rewind, then it got caught on the playhead. I was jolted into a mental exploration of a seemingly unrelated parallel: the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Two of this year’s nominees sprang from the 1980s: Run-D.M.C. and Metallica. And they are the “’80s Tech” of pop music.

Run-D.M.C. is Atari.

Metallica is the personal computer, in reverse:?that is, as time passed, it got bigger and slower, and wasn’t as much fun.

Fast forward to the conclusion: all modern marvels become postmodern martyrs.

That makes no sense. It’s simply a byproduct of a VHS cartridge being crushed by Marty McFly.

That also made no sense.

I apologize, I’m in a hurry. I have to put this column up for bid on eBay before it — and I — turn into a leisure suit.

Dennis Volkert is features editor at the Sturgis, Mich., Journal. Contact him at volkert@sturgisjournal.com