Just plain Confused

I dont know what makes me feel like I want to commit suicide....My life isnt all that bad. Ive had girlfriends, Ive had sex, Im not ugly, people think im a really funny guy. I guess I want to commit suicide because I dont understand life and I dont understand what makes me feel depressed...and I dont really show that emotional confusion on the outside I try to cover it up by making people laugh so killing myself would finally let people know that I wasnt ok.

Ive attempted suicide twice. Cabon Monoxide poisoning was the first attempt....I lived and got a tattoo so I would remember how I felt. For the second I drank a 12 pack of beer took 3 high dose painkillers and then literally drank a cup full of straight poison...I began to fall asleep and I could feel my heartbeat slowing and it was getting hard to breathe, I closed my eyes and it all went black and I didnt expect to wake up again...I woke up the next day in total shock. Nothing works....If you attempt suicide with anything other than I gun your not really attempting suicide is what I found out.

I really dont know anymore. I think I need to make a big change in my life a sudden change. Ill try that and get back to you guys to tell you if its made me feel better.

Well, I agree with your underlined quote (to some extent, not literally) in the sense that the vast majority of incidents labeled as suicide attempts are not truly intended as suicide. I'll mention of course that there are examples other than a gun (<Mod Edit:Abacus21-methods>, etc) that would qualify as this true, absolute suicide.

People usually don't want to admit the fact that their suicidal behavior is to seek attention, but that's generally what it is. Subconsciously, I believe most people are aware that ingesting a quantity of pills is going to make them sick (or result in a lot of vomiting) but won't actually kill them. Humans want to live. We're genetically coded to want to live.

Those who are truly suicidal are in such mental states that no amount of fear could possibly stop them. Quite simply, they just do it, end of story.

Anyone who is talking to others about wanting suicide wants to live deep down, no matter how cynical they are in conversation.

As for your specific situation, I of course wish you luck in finding the source of your problems. I encourage you to explore your past memories and thoughts openly here, and as we learn more about your circumstances, we may be able to help you find the answers you're looking for. Thanks for sharing your story.