(Closed) Please help! Serious matter.

If you read my first post you would get an understanding of everything I have been through these last few months with my ex fiancée. To shorten it up, basically, he became a very heavy drinker and liar. He decided after six years of being together to break things off between us because he felt I was trying to be his mother.

For a month, I tried so hard to work things out with us and kept getting rejected. I came to realize that our daughter and I deserved better and it was time to move on. Now, he has decided he wants to get back together. I told him I felt as though he needs help and that we need to focus on helping ourselves before even thinking about getting back into a relationship.

Unfortunately, this did not go to well with him. Yesterday I received text messages stating he was going to kill himself if he couldn’t have me in his life and that he didn’t want to be alone. I immediately called his mother who didn’t seem too worried. She told me he would be stupid to kill himself and that he’s not that stupid. I, on the other hand, did not want to take the text lightly. She calmed me down and said she would call and talk to him. After she had talked to him and assured me he wasn’t going to do it he yet again sent me another text stating he was serious.

The text stated that when we find his car we would find his body and it also said he had left money in a piggy bank for our daughter. I freaked and called his sister in law who lives about 2 minutes away to go check on him. Where she got there he was getting into his car and told her he was going to clear his head. After hearing this, I called the police.

We all searched for 7 hours worried sick. During this time, I also learned so much about him that was never true. Such as the heart condition he had lead me to believe he had for six years now. I was completely shocked and felt relieved that the wedding was called off because at this point, I did not know what else he had lied about. I learned that he was a pathological Liar and even if you had proof what he was telling you was a lie, he disagreed and believed all the lies he had told.

Finally at about 10:30pm he had showed up at my house. I was able to calm him down and talk about getting him some professional help. He agreed that he felt he needed the help but was scared. I, still caring for him greatly told him I will support him and be there every step of the way if that’s what he wanted. I than sent him to his parents who were waiting along with the cops to speak to him.

The cops said they wanted to talk to him to find out if it was something he said to just get my attention or if he was seriously thinking about doing it and needed help. They ended up setting him up in a program. He will be attending counseling 2 days a week.

What I’m worried about is what I’m supposed to do next. If he was going to kill himself because I won’t be with him what is he going to do when I again tell him he needs to help himself before being in a relationship with anyone? I think at this point he thinks he has gotten my attention and has won me back. The attention part is right but this has made me realize that things are a lot worse than I had thought and that I think it’s best to just be there for support and nothing more. Believe me I still love and care about him greatly but I know he needs serious help. I just do not want him to end his life over me.

@Kalyng: Wow, I’m sorry, that is rough. I’m sorry you are being put through this.

In high school when I was 15 I had an ex threaten suicide after we broke up. A friend went to check on him, and found out he had overdosed on sleeping pills and called me. I freaked out and put my dad on the phone because he is an ER doctor. Well, turns out that he over dosed on benadryl so he wasn’t in too much danger. After that episode I cut him from my life, as it’s not fair to me to have someone put that type of responsibility on me. Eventually we just stopped speaking, and it seems like after years of working low paying jobs and drinking he finally got himself together. Good for him, but I still have no interest in speaking to him ever again.

Anyways, I know the situation is way, way different than a silly high school fling. But the underlying truth is the same – you need to put boundaries up for yourself and your daughter. You do deserve better, and you can’t be responsible for his behavior. You can support him as the father of your child, but make it clear that in your communications with him that he is an adult, and he needs to act like one for the sake of your child. He has a responsibility to her for being a better person, because she deserves much more than a “piggy bank” from her dad. His behavior is selfish, and while you will support him getting help you will not be blackmailed into an unhealthy relationship. Either way you can not control what he does, that is his choice alone. You can just choose how you will respond to it.

You need to do what’s best for you and your daughter, and I suspect that’s not caving in to emotional blackmail, which is exactly what calling your ex and threatening suicide is. If you let him use this tool to manipulate you back into his life, if he thinks you’ll get back together with him, or you won’t leave him, he’s going to keep doing it.

If he calls you threatening suicide, call the police and let them handle it. They’ll go talk to him, they might even pick him up and have him committed for observation. It’s hard to let go, especially when it’s someone you’ve cared about for a really long time, but there is nothing you can do to save him if he decides to hurt himself.

It is not your job to fix him. I think the best thing you could do for you and your daughter is to cut off contact with him. It will be hard at first, but some distance from this situation will help make if clear to you in time. If he does call and threaten suicide, then you call the police and that’s all you can do. Please do not let him manipulate you any further.

Also, I want to say that this situation is very familiar to me. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I know exactly how conflicting these feelings can be. If you need advice or support, feel free to PM me. Leaving an abusive relationship is THE BEST thing you can do for you and your daughter.

The best advice a dear friend told me was to have him attend AA and you attend Al Anon, research those programs. I will keep you in my prayers. Please research these programs and just try it, I can’t explain how much this was an impact. Take it one day at a time!! much <3 from a fellow WB

If he is truly a pathological liar, odds are good he’s an adept manipulator as well, your post, while frightening is a sterling example of how hard a person will try to get what they want, in his case attention from you…this doesn’t mean that you have to ignore him, you can care about someone very much and still maintain healthy boundaries. After things settle down, I would tell him firmly that you care about him and want him in your life however the romantic chapter of your relationship together has ended, and that if he tells you again about planning to hurt or kill himself, you will call the authorities to ensure his safety.

You did the right thing by ignoring his mom and taking threats of suicide seriously! You ex Fiance is being manipulative. Threats of suicide that start with “if you don’t…then I will” are manipulation, however that does not bean that the person is not truly thinking of suicide. You need to set firm boundaries with him, an ensure that yourself and all other supports in his life make the same response to his threats. (Although if you are the only one he is manipulating this only applies to you) this may include expressing concern for his safety and letting him know the police are on their way, or whatever response you think will be most effective. And stick to it! The moment you respond differently you are intermittently reinforcing the manipulation. You can do this! You and your daughter deserve a better life than that!

You are all right and I know this. I didn’t bring up that he has been making stories up to make it seem like everything is my fault and I’m the bad one. When I called his mom yesterday the first thing she said is if he does it’s your fault. Can you believe that? She thinks that if I just get back together with him hell be okay but that’s exactly what he wants and I’m not going to get back into a relationship that is unhealthy esp. when our 4 year old daughter is involved just to make sure he doesn’t kill himself.

What if one day something in his mind decides to take my life or our daughters? I would hope he wouldn’t do this but I have seen stories like this one end this way. I just recently heard of a story where the guy killed his own 2 year old son because the ex-wife loved her son more than him and he wanted to take that away from her. I do not want to put my daughter in harm’s way.

A few months back when the lying and heavy drinking started I reached out to his mother and younger brother for help. Little did I know they have been covering for him and never said a word about anything to his father or older brother? Last night while I was over there with the family waiting to hear from my ex Fiance or the cops I heard his dad saying that I shouldn’t be over there because if I really cared I should have come to them months ago and let them know what was going on.

This upset me and I informed him that I had spoken many times to his wife and younger son who both live with him. He started yelling that I needed to come to him and tell him. How was I supposed to know that his wife would hide this from him? How is this reasonability? I was the one who went out at 2am to pick him up when he was drinking or got into a car accident. I was the one who called the cops but yet I’m the one that doesn’t care about him? May I add that he lives with his parents so how they didn’t see what was happening is unbelievable.

I was told by the father and brother (actually yelled to) that this is my fault and he is doing this because we fight so much. They also said I have another boyfriend and that I never let him see our daughter. Are you serious? This has all came from my ex who made all these lies up and put everyone against me. But at this point I will admit I am afraid to be with him alone knowing how serious his problem is and I do now have an issue with him being with our daughter because now I fear for our lives. He really REALLY needs help.

Today I talked to my ex to check and see how he was doing when he starting telling me everything his brother and father said is true! He stated blaming me for him wanting to kill himself for those reasons. I told him that I know he knows deep down inside that this is not the truth and it hurts for him to accuse me of all of this when I have done nothing but cared for him. If he is this upset and wants to get back together with me why is he making up these horrible lies about me and making his family hate me? He also told me he doesn’t need any help =(I am now worried that this will go untaken care of… Honestly, I feel like his family is afraid to look at the truth so they are believing all of his lies and not seeing that he needs help.

I still believe that no one has informed his older brother or father of what has been happening the last 2 months or so. Maybe if they knew exactly what he has been saying and doing it would open their eyes and see that he really needs professional help.

After hearing my ex blame me again today I believe it’s best for me to try not to talk to him as much as possible because I feel like he’s going to get upset again and once again he’ll want to kill himself. Maybe me not talking to him is better for his safety?