I am the First Lady of HR with a stellar career.
"People" is my middle name, on Tuesdays.
"Save a dollar, save a dime, spending cash is a corporate crime"

Monday, 17 November 2014

Performance appraisal, Gungnam Style

Our CEO Stan invited me and Comrade Carl Marks to a meeting
at 0900 am. We sat around the beloved management mahogany table and Stan`s private chef
served bagels and cream cheese. My Lord, I live for moments like this. Neither of us is Jewish, but I did enjoy
the food. (I did have a Jewish classmate, Sharon Bernstein).

Stan appeared in a jocund mood and he asked us both,
``let`s have an open and candid talk about the performance of your colleague,Juliette Caesar, the Head of Sales.`` This is Stan`s version of performance appraisal.

Comrade Carl Marks spoke up first: ``That bitch Juliette could not
sell cold lemonade on a hot beach in August, kibinimat. The product is a pearl,
and I know how much popular demand there for our technology. Yet that useless
and self serving `suka`` is always pursuing the wrong leads. Stan, you should have checked a big data base before you hired her.``

Comrade Carl continued: ``Why do we have an HR function in our
organization, kibinimat? Why….Gloria has instincts like an alley cat! Her instincts are better than big data. So
why don`t we get input from the first lady of HR, Ms Gloria Ramsbottom, who I
have come to adore, and not because of her legs``.

I have two brothers, Frank and Earnest. To be frank and
earnest, I did like the title Carl gave me.

Quoting myself verbatim, as it were, here is what I told Stan and Comrade Carl. Italics show where I used my new British accent.

`Now look heyah (here). We have three choices, as it
wehr (were).

1) I can have Juliette write a mission statement with my coach;

2) I can have a one on one with her to `sohrt
(sort) her out` ;

3) I can arrange a meeting between Ms Cynthia Axe and
Juliette within 2 seconds, and she will vanish from the face of the earth
in one fell swoop. After which I assume Juliette will sell "internet-of-things".

Stan and Carl ask me what I ``recommend``.I remember what my Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to tell
me, `Gloria but careful what you cook because sometimes you need to eat it`.