And sometimes you’re a side order of fries…

February 19, 2010

I’m watching women’s curling at home where I can yell “Put it in the house!” all I want without earning befuddled looks from other people, and there’s a knock at my door that times perfectly with the commercial break. So I answer it and there’s Samurai Cathy standing on my porch.

“Victoria told Mikka that you’re going to kick his ass for not inviting you to Hedvig’s on Chinese New Year,” says Samurai Cathy.

“Well, I’m not happy about not getting invited for our traditional yearly buffet run, but Ninja Vicki made up the threat of violence,” I say. “Besides, wouldn’t you step in to stop me from repeatedly stomping Mikka in the nuts.”

“Victoria also told Mikka you had Tag Larkin as backup, seeing as Tag Larkin is the only person I’m afraid of,” says Samurai Cathy.

“Ninja Vicki is very thorough with her lies,” I say. “So where is Mikka now?”

“He’s hiding in my apartment,” says Samurai Cathy. “He wants to apologize but didn’t want to endanger having his balls punted into abdomen.”

It should be noted that while my fighting style is not unstoppable, it does involve more attacks to the groin than most other people’s fighting styles.

“He still owes me for being a sell-out,” I say.

“In his defense, Mikka didn’t want you to be the third wheel at lunch because he knows how awful that feels,” says Samurai Cathy. “That and Hedvig’s is about all he can afford these days on his wonton soup factory salary regarding dining establishments. But he does know he screwed up here.”

“Fair enough, but he still owes me though,” I say.

“Indeed, and so I owe you as well,” says Samurai Cathy. “You can cut the tip of my pinky off if you want.”

Samurai Cathy leaves and when I go back to my couch to continue watching women’s curling Ninja Vicki is sitting there.

“What the hell, man?” says Ninja Vicki, upset that her plot to get me mad at Mikka so that I wouldn’t mind if she killed Samurai Cathy didn’t work. “You’re just going to let Mikka and Catherine off the hook like that?”

“Mikka knows he fucked up,” I say. It’s hard to stay bitter after being apologized to in an appropriate manner. “So does Samurai Cathy. They promise to make it up to me. Issue resolved.”

“Catherine is not to be trusted,” says Ninja Vicki.

“Says the woman who lied out her ass by telling Mikka that not only was I going to kick his ass but I was also getting Tag Larkin to kick his girlfriend’s ass,” I say.

“That’s what I would have done if I were you,” says Ninja Vicki. “I was anticipating your next step. It’s not my fault you didn’t actually do those things I claimed you wanted to do.”

“No, that actually is your fault,” I say.

“Whatever, but it still doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been demoted to the position of garnish in your friendship with Mikka,” says Ninja Vicki.

“Garnish happens,” I say. “Sometimes you’re the steak, other times you’re the parsley. But you’re still on the plate. Now move over. Curling’s on.”