יפרח כשושנה

Friday, April 5, 2013

Although one may use whatever words one chooses in whatever language one can most fluently express himself when offering prayer to G-d, there is a tradition to recite Parashat Ha’Man as a segulah for parnasah. Whether as a way to ask for continued financial success or for relief from crippling financial woes, why specifically Parashat Ha’Man? Maybe the descriptions of am yisrael leaving Egypt with “rechush gadol” would be appropriate or perhaps the parashot describing the wealth of the avot would be better suited?

Certainly one would point to the obvious. With the man, the verses clearly state that it was G-d who provided our sustenance in the wilderness and in our own lives we acknowledge that it is only through G-d that the tools and conduits are put in place to sustain our every need. I would suggest another reason for reciting parashat ha’man. One of the most astonishing points about the man was that it would not last longer than one day. Those who took more and those who took less were all satiated and whatever was leftover did not remain the following morning. Those who took extra portions found them the next day infested with worms. While on the weekdays extra portions rotted, a miraculous characteristic of the man was seen on shabbat, when we were commanded to take a double portion on Friday to provide for Shabbat’s provisions and the portion collected for Shabbat remained as fresh that day as it had been on Friday.

I see a lesson in these pesukim that bring us back to the importance of being present, breathing into the moment. The man gave us one days worth of food. No more, no less. Although G-d has brought us to the Land of Israel and given us the awesome responsibility to sow, and plough the fields to harvest the abundance of the Land to nourish ourselves with our daily bread, the man reminds us that each day G-d provides us with exactly what we need and exactly what He wants for us. When we are fully present we are most cognizant of this truth. We work and toil maybe we barely eke out a living but G-d always, always provides the means to ensure our needs are fulfilled for that one day.

Life is unpredictable. Maybe today I have a little more and maybe tomorrow the stock market crashes. Just as today’s abundance may disappear tomorrow, so to today’s lack does not cast a cloud over the hope that tomorrow will bring plenty again.

As we head into the first Shabbat after pesach, a Shabbat that has come to be connected with increased intentions and prayers for parnasah tova, it is my prayer that we all recognize what we have in our lives and in noting both our material possessions and spiritual assets, come to greater appreciation and gratitude. After all, gratitude makes what we have enough.

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “only a little while.”

The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15 – 20 years.”

“But what then?” Asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”“Millions – then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

In response to My Jewish Dating Problem.The so-called singles crisis storms on unabated with lay people, community leaders and matchmaking “professionals” alike pointing fingers and laying the blame on every conceivable factor. Howard Kleinman speaks to his own dating struggles and the experiences that ultimately led to his marriage to his wife, Jewish not by birth but by choice. In his personal reflections he muses over the role the wider community played in his conflicted romantic life torn between the Jewish women he sought out in the name of Jewish continuity and the non-Jewish women he felt an attraction to. Kleinman faults the communal pressure to marry within the tribe for keeping his guard up, barring real emotional connections with Jewish women and letting guilt fester to extinguish any hope of building relationships with non-Jewish women. There are myriad reasons attributed to prolonged singledom - too much choice, too little choice of “quality” singles, the overbearing Jewish mother, ascetic piety, the Rabbis, materialistic aspirations, the age gap, emotional immaturity of men, women wearing too much makeup, women refusing to undergo cosmetic surgery, colored tablecloths. With reasons so varied and far-fetched it’s a wonder that global warming and unicorns haven’t been included in the laundry-list of blame.All of these disparate elements are in fact linked together. They all fall under the heading of external factors. They are all reasons that lie outside of ourselves. Assimilation and Jewish continuity have been a concern for the Jewish people since Abraham sent Eliezer to find a wife for Isaac not from the women of the land of Canaan. It may be easy to blame the most infamous of cultural stereotypes, Jewish Guilt but I believe Kleinman exposes a deeper struggle and that is the one of knowing, revealing and being your authentic self.

Blame-gaming, finger-pointing and the ensuing guilt has bred a culture of victimization. We feel it’s out of our hands and have no control, pointing to the system that has failed us. This is not limited to the dating world. Ingrained victimization affects every facet of our lives from faulting our weight management battles to a genetic predisposition to attributing poor job prospects to economic policies. In every instance where we don’t see a positive change, a single kvetchy breath absolves us of responsibility and we relinquish our innate power to the powers that be. If it’s someone else's fault then I am not to blame and if I am not to blame then there’s nothing I can do about it. I am powerless. I am a victim. When you are a victim, wrought by guilt, your authentic self, your shoresh neshama is clouded over barely accessible to you and certainly hidden from your potential soul-mate. One can register on every dating site, attend every singles event but without true inner reflection, healthy self-love and nurturing self-compassion you are essentially hiding from your prospective spouse in plain sight.

I see a tikun in the words “ואהבת לרעך כמוך”. In this pasuk we’re often so focused on loving the other without truly exploring what it means to love ourselves. Children grow to adolescents in increasingly distressing homes with parents embroiled in their own romantic and marital rows. To be sure, one may be hard-pressed to find models of self-love, parents and mentors with acute self-awareness striving for continual self-growth. Each of us is imbued with the divine spark, a G-dly soul. It is that very spark that suffuses our very being with innate power, innate strength to turn inward and encounter our most authentic selves. It is that G-dly light that breaks through the layers or guilt we allowed to break ourselves into victimization. By nurturing our innate divine soul we can return the power to ourselves and release it from the hands of the matchmakers, the communal expectations and the white tablecloths. Self love brings down your guard to reveal your true self so that when you do meet that like-hearted soul you are truly available. You can be seen. Self-compassion and self-love cultivate deeper, truer love of another. These are the tools that will foster lasting marriages and strong families devoted to building an eternal Jewish home, a bayit ne’eman b’yisrael.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Soon after lighting candles and welcoming the Shabbat Queen an unusual sound broke the serene air in the hills of Jerusalem. Air raid sirens sounded in the capital city. It was not a test. It was not the system malfunctioning. Hamas was in fact sending rockets towards Jerusalem. We gathered in the safest place we could given the number of kids we had with us in the 90 seconds available (less because it probably took us 30 to realize what was going on). Everyone sat on the floor in the hallway and we played games for a few minutes and then continued with our usual Shabbat activities.

Jerusalem. A city Islam deems to be holy. Though many of the thousands of rockets that have landed in Sederot and in the former Jewish communities in Gaza over the past 12 years bore the words al-Quds, this is the first time missiles landed near the eternal capital of the Jewish people.

What a deeply holy moment to sing zemirot this Friday night in the Jerusalem community of Armon Hanatziv, a neighborhood with the most breathtaking view of the Temple Mount and to sing the words with newfound awareness:יִבָּנֶה הַמִּקְדָּשׁ. עִיר צִיּון תְּמַלֵּא. וְשָׁם נָשִׁיר שִׁיר חָדָשׁ. וּבִרְנָנָה נַעֲלֶה.

To be among the people living a thousands year old dream. To live in Jerusalem. To not wish for the fulfillment of the words in the zemer but to be the ones who left the exile and are not merely bearing witness to this miracle of return but to be actively engaged in rebuilding Jerusalem. Why have we merited to live in this generation? I can never know. I am in awe. Every second, every breath with every fiber of my being I am eternally grateful.

Hamas cannot take away our Shabbat. They cannot take away our Jerusalem. So many tried before them before being relegated to the trashbin of history.

This is the month of Kislev. Soon we will celebrate the independence day of the second temple period, Chanukah. for eight days we will kindle the lights of the chanukiah and as we sing hallel in honor of the autonomy we held over Israel in that time we will sing in wholehearted gratitude for the merit of living under Jewish autonomy in the Land of Israel in this time.

Thank you G-d for giving us this opportunity to live your Torah in the most real way. Thank you for opening our eyes and our hearts. Thank you for bringing us home. Please guard over our soldiers as they fight to guard over our Land.

Wishing us all a blessed week.

Just as we are the generation of the ingathering of the exiles may we be the generation that sees the rebuilding of the Temple and coming of Mashiach, speedily in our days.

The tyranny of Yitta Halberstam who beseeches that if her diatribe “helps even one girl in shidduchim”, then it will all be worth it. I wonder, help one girl how? Halberstam may be willing to sacrifice herself and suffer the same bloody end as a certain well known historical figure whose name many in her community will deign to utter aloud, but at what risk to her Jewish sisters, to women everywhere? At what expense to the Jewish people? And ultimately at what price to humanity?

The Jewish community in all it colors, from vibrantly hued to the desaturated, is not immune from the culture of “now” and quick-fix attitude to so distort our priorities without considering the long term ramifications. Purportedly, Halberstam’s goal is to help one girl get married. Well, I can get married too. I live in Katamon. Grab the nearest male over the age of thirteen for the chasson and a couple of male friends over the age of thirteen for witnesses. Forget the ring, just toss over the whole cracker-jack box (shaveh pruta? shaveh pruta!), mumble a “harei mekudeshet li...” and done. What an accomplishment.

Does Halberstam ever muse over what the quality of the relationship of that “one girl” will be? How will the tenuous foundation of that marriage rooted in superficiality impact the couple? What values will that couple impart onto children born into this marriage?

Reading the article brought to mind the words of comedian Chris Rock:

Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it's hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative. That's right. Women...You're all liars. Masters of the lie, the visual lie. Look at you. You got on heels, you ain't that tall. You got on makeup, your face don't look like that. You got a weave, your hair ain't that long. You got a wonderbra on...

...and the rest of that sentence we’ll censor. Halberstam says what Rock says. One should hide their flaws when catching a mate, yet Rock acknowledges a truth that seems to elude Halberstam and that is the sustainability of relationships built on the most frivolous of lies.

The author advocates what she deems a cosmetic solution without fully understanding the problem she’s offering a supposed solution to and seems unfettered by the deeper medical and ethical dangers these suggestions pose.

What are the ramifications of encouraging financially restrictive elective surgeries? Perhaps one can extrapolate that by one “girl” getting married and maybe having children a life is being saved and so one is fulfilling the dictum of “save a life save a world.” What’s money when one can save a whole world? Aside from the question of allocation of funds towards this dubious notion, more serious questions emerge.

Those “in shidduchim” must be “moser nefesh” but should that be taken literally if a surgical procedure gone awry results in the actual returning of a soul to her Creator leaving loved ones to mourn at a funeral without ever rejoicing in a wedding? What of the mental and emotional anguish incurred by coveting an unattainable ideal of beauty? What of the physiological disorders resulting from that agony? Eating disorders are certainly on the rise. Will some parents heed the vitriolic advice and borrow money for cosmetic procedures while others languish in financial distress over the high fees of mental health professionals? Nevermind the emotional cost exacted on the family.

How will adolescents raised in a world where they’re told that putting their “best face forward” is their only edge in securing a marriage partner fare alone and in marriage? A woman who gets married is certainly expected to have children and given the toll pregnancy takes on the body how will she cope with the havoc wreaked by hormones on both her body and her self perception? Further, what are the messages that will shape the children of a mother with a distorted view of desirability and the father who chose the mother of his children based in large part on her perceived beauty?

Again, we return to the question of what the nature of the marriage of this “one girl” will be. I’m not sure what yard stick measures the success of “the shidduch system” but given that the “shidduch crisis” is rapidly giving way to a more sinister “divorce crisis” perhaps one would do well to do a cheshbon nefesh on the “shidduch system”, a heart-wrenchingly flawed system that seems to be neither the fault of shadchanim, rabbanim, or parents. Accountability is a word that never appears in the discourse of shidduchim. It’s a system that just “happened.”

Over a decade ago I had the opportunity to visit Gibraltor and meet with the Rabbi of the community. The leader of our trip, a pulpit Rabbi himself, asked about the Rabbi’s communal responsibility and daily duties which included marital counseling. Later he asked where the divorce rate stood given the attitude towards divorce in the predominant Catholic culture. The Rabbi proudly boasted “there is no divorce in Gibraltor. Everyone in Gibralter is happily married!” The whole group erupted in laughter. Our group which included married couple, second-time married couples, a pair of mother-in laws traveling together as well as divorcées had certainly all merited varying degrees of the joy and rewards of marriage but they all recognized that not every marriage is happy all the time.

Marriage is hard work. It demands mutuality, respect, reciprocity, humility - acknowledging a whole other person outside of oneself. The self-absorption that is the call of hyper-attention to outward appearances hardly lends itself to developing the traits that are needed to develop long-lasting, fulfilling and committed marriages. Outer beauty speaks nothing of a marriages longevity and its sustainability is certainly not determined by the length of ones nose.

Ultimately we’re left to question the value of marriage and the respect a community shows to the young adults they coax into the most sanctified of institutions. What is to be said of a society that coddles the immaturity of its young men and women by referring to them as “boys” and “girls”? A community that demeans women by parading them around and belittles the men hiding away while his mommy selects a mother for her grandchildren? What is to be said of an author who undermines young adults by tattle-taling to their mothers as one might an insolent toddler? What is going on with a community that strives to pass on the torch of Torah but seems to only see its refracted light perverted through a shattered prism.

My opinion on how dolled up a woman should be on a date is irrelevant if none of those things contribute to her feelings of self worth and self esteem or put her at ill-ease. To say I will have done her a disservice if the attention to her appearance crushes her sense of humanity is a gross understatement. Halberstam admits to drastic cosmetic procedures alleviating her own feelings of low esteem. She is in good company but thankfully there are many women who are imbued with healthy doses of self confidence that is far more appealing than the most luminous of foundations, lustrous of locks or vibrant of eye colors.

Many poskim including Rav Feinstein weigh in on the question of cosmetic surgery for the sake of finding a marriage partner. Regardless of the answers, it is not so simple from a halachic standpoint. G-d created each person in a specific way, each one in His image. Surgically altering ones body for cosmetic reasons is certainly an affront to the G-d given body and the Godliness inherent in each human being. This is no small matter to disregard both on a halachic level and deeper spiritual level.

Halberstam in her shortsighted manner directs her plea to mothers of single women. I implore each of us to look within ourselves first and then work with each other to return to Torah-true values of humility, modesty and marriage whose most exalted form reveals the world’s truest beauty.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

During Elul and the aseret yemei tshuva we submit our will to that of our King. In all the confessions and accounting of our actions and behavior over the past year we surrender ourselves completely to our Father. We note the things we want for ourselves and beseech G-d in the hope that our prayers are answered “l’tova”, for the good. Of course we want certain things for ourselves but sometimes when we ask for them year after year and the answer seems to be “no” we start to question: Is my prayer not strong enough? Maybe I’m not asking in the right way? Is my desire for that thing not real enough? Perhaps I really don’t want it enough? Does G-d not think that that will really be for me “l’tova”? Maybe G-d really doesn’t want that thing for me? If so why am I wasting my time when I could be channeling my desire to things that are good for me that are good for the Jewish people that are good for the world? Am I being punished?

It just seemed like a cop out. What does that mean, “not now”? “Dear beseecher, we have received your request but cannot fulfill your order at this time. Please try back later.” Well, thankyouverymuch.

With High Holiday liturgy replete with imagry of G-d as Father, I always wondered if becoming a parent myself would make some of these more esoteric ideas understandable. One of the wonderful things about your friends becoming parents is that you get to be a doting adopted aunt to an ever growing number of adorable kids. You have the tremendous merit of watching them learn and grow, develop and mature. You have the pleasure of watching your friends sing their kids praises - how well he eats, how she expresses emotion - while right behind them the baby pushes all the noodles on his tray onto the floor…

While I may not be a parent yet, it is true that spending time with younger kids makes ideas in t’shuva much clearer. It’s in those most mundane moments where a lofty, spiritual concept becomes tangible and it all just clicks.

It happened on shabbat.

I graciously thanked my hosts for putting me in another food coma and grabbed my glasses to go home but when my chevruta and I decided to get in a little learning after lunch, the lovely Marc Jacobs shades were dropped haphazardly on the coffee table. The low table. Within reach of smiling, mobile baby. (I can’t blame her, the kid has good taste!) I love baby and am always happy to share but I also wanted to keep my sunnies in one piece. I redeemed the larger-than-life frames from her tight little grip and swiftly placed them out of reach. Poor kid looked up at me with tears welling up in her big blue eyes. I got down on the floor and gave her a hug and a kiss and said “not yet”.

It just hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized in a very real way that sometimes that really is G-d’s answer to us.

Sometimes the answer really is “not-yet” and there’s good reason. Sometimes we are just too immature in our spiritual growth, sometimes we’re not “tall” enough and what we want is out of our reach. It’s not that we can never have what we desire and it’s not even that our desire is out of line with Hashem’s desire but our timing is out of sync. One day the answer will be “now”. The gates will open and our prayers will bear the most beautiful of fruits. Sometimes we just have to wait a little longer.

If she holds out a few more years you can bet I will be only too happy to take this kid shopping.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

These were the words of Rav Chaim Druckman upon hearing of the passing of HaRav Mordechai Tzemach Eliyahu ztz”l.

My landlord came by yesterday to fix my tris as I sat in my house broken and bewildered. Busying herself with the screwdriver she casually asked “He was a tremendous Tzadik but what was your connection to the Rav?” I said that I was privileged to have received HaRav Eliyahu’s blessing on several occasions. To have received guidance from him in times of need. He was the mesader kedushin at the wedding of one of my closest and truest friends who herself comes from an illustrious family of Torah giants and lovers of the Land of Israel, the Torah of Israel and the people of Israel with a generations long connection the Rav’s family. He was the personal Rabbi of my Rabbi and close friend and my “ke’ilu” older brother. I have had the priviledge of sitting with HaRav Eliyahu’s ztz”l son, HaRav Shmuel and his Rabbanit in their beautiful home in Tzfat drinking tea and musing over the future of the Jewish people, Torah and recipes for baking with whole wheat flour. But in the depths of my kishkes at the core of my being I thought “What was my connection? The Rav was so connected to every Jewish soul in the world. He devoted his life, his spirit and ultimately suffered immeasurable bodily pain, was moser his entire life for the good of the Jewish people. With his soul torn from this world do you not feel the tearing of your soul as well?”

It is told of the Baba Sali ztz”l that he had a special robe, a cloak that he set aside to wear when he would greet Mashiach. When he became aware of a Heavenly decree that untold harships were to befall the Jewish people he asked that the suffering be placed on him and that the Jewish people be spared. G-d canceled the decree but the price was that the Baba Sali would not live to see the coming of Mashiach. He gave the special robe to HaRav Eliyahu and with it a promise that he would merit to welcome the Mashiach cloaked in the majestic garment.

Two years ago on pesach HaRav Eliyahu fell ill and was rushed to Shaarei Tzedeck hospital. He underwent countless operations and procedures. After one particularly lengthy and harrowing operation his non-observant “chiloni” doctor explained that there was no medical reason why the Rav should still be alive. If he were to write an article for a scientific or medical journal about the case, the scientific community would not know what to make of it. He concluded that the Rav was alive by the will of G-d alone. His life would only end when G-d deemed it so.

HaRav Mordechai Eliyahu was a giant on the shoulders of giants, versed in the revealed Torah and under the guidance of the Baba Sali was intimately connected with the world of the hidden Torah as well. It is my belief that just as the Baba Sali was moser nefesh to alleviate the torment of the Jewish people, like a parent who begs G-d to spare his child pain, so to the Rav was moser nefesh on our behalf.

Yesterday, The Rav “halach l’olamo”. Hashem took his soul from this world and brought it to the next. How joyous they must be in shamayim, the Chida, the Ben Ish Chai, the Baba Sali, the Torah giants of all the previous generations. But in this world, we are orphaned. Left without a father, a leader, a guide. With the loss of our tzadik, pillar of Am Yisrael and with seemingly no one at the helm to carry the torch of the light of Torah nor the weight of the pain of the Jewish People, we are once again reminded that we have no one to rely on but Our Father in Heaven.

May the memory of HaRav Eliyahu strengthen us in our time of mourning. May we strengthen ourselves in our devotion to the Land, Torah and people of Israel and take upon added intention in our observance of G-d’s mitzvot. May we increase in ahavat chinam, loving and caring for our fellow Jew, mending the fragments of the Jewsh nation to become the One People we are destined to be. May we too prepare our days in full faith that we merit to greet the Mashiach and see the building of the Third Temple, a binyan adai ad speedily in our days.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

If anybody has the translation of this prayer in english please let me know.

In light of the current situation, a special prayer was written for the residents of southern Israel by Rabbi Shmuel Eliyahu, Chief Rabbi of Tzfat and son of former Sephardic Chief Rabbi, Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu.

The prayer asks that G-d show mercy towards us and all the residents of southern Israel and grant them protection. It asks that the IDF and all the soldiers fighting for our protection be strengthened and that resolve be granted to the leadership to continue the fight until the enemy and threat is eliminated.

It is encouraged to offer this prayer when the ark is opened, to insert it during "shema koleinu" in the Amidah and when one hears news of a rocket falling.