Songs you might not want to hear at the doctor’s

Picture this (well, you ladies of a certain age, anyway): you’re having your annual mammogram. You’re standing there half naked, with one of your boobs squished flat, holding your breath while the tech zaps it with radiation. Then, the piped-in music—part of the imaging facility’s efforts to enhance the patient experience—begins to play Firefall’s 1976 hit, “You Are the Woman That I’ve Always Dreamed Of.”

This actually happened to a friend of mine, and she cracked up. Then she shot me an email (after she got dressed) suggesting this might be a topic for a Boomer Haiku blog: the badly timed, funny or downright inappropriate songs that could be played during medical encounters.

It sounded good to me.

After all, rock and roll was the soundtrack of our youth. So it seems only fitting we baby boomers have a playlist—with a twist—for the current phase of our lives as we undergo health-related exams and procedures with increasing frequency. Here’s some possible medical musical accompaniment from a range of generations and genres:

Prostate exam

“Hand in Glove” by the British alt-rock band The Smiths
“Big Balls” by AC/DC
“Great Balls of Fire” by Jerry Lee Lewis
“I Want Your Sex” by George Michael

“Shake, Shake, Shake Your Booty” by KC and the Sunshine Band
“Up Around the Bend” by Creedence Clearwater Revival
“The Long and Winding Road” by The Beatles
“Back Door Man” by Howlin’ Wolf

Surgery

“The First Cut Is the Deepest” by Rod Stewart or Cheryl Crow
“Only the Good Die Young” by Billy Joel
“Accidents Will Happen” by Elvis Costello
“Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen
“I Wanna Be Sedated” by the Ramones
“Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees

Endoscopy

“Lookin’ for Love [in all the wrong places]” by Johnny Lee
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” by U2

“Let It Bleed” by the Rolling Stones
“The Needle and the Damage Done” by Neil Young

Urine test

“Under Pressure” by Queen
“Urge for Going” by Tom Rush
“It Don’t Come Easy” by Ringo Starr
“So Very Hard to Go” by Tower of Power

Skin cancer check

“I’ve Got You Under My Skin” by Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons
“Sometimes When We Touch” by Dan Hill

Respiratory therapy

“Take My Breath Away” by Berlin
“Every Breath You Take” by the Police

Other mammogram songs

“Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” by Culture Club
“Pop That Thang” by the Isley Brothers
“Do That to Me One More Time” by The Captain and Tennille
“Hurts So Good” by John Cougar Mellencamp

Hip or knee replacement

“Shake Your Hips” by the Rolling Stones
“Falling in Love Is Hard on the Knees” by Aerosmith
“Get a Leg Up” by John Mellencamp
“Shake a Leg” by AC/DC
“Hot Legs” by Rod Stewart
“Get On Your Feet” by Gloria Estafan
“I Can’t Stand Up for Falling” by Elvis Costello

“Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart” by Elton John and Kiki Dee
“Bad Liver and a Broken Heart” by Tom Waites
“Where is Your Heart?” by Kelly Clarkson
“How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?” by the Bee Gees
“Heartbreaker” by Pat Benatar

Dental work

“Kicked in the Teeth” by AC/DC
“Taste the Pain” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
“Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd (1979) or Van Morrison (2007)

Cataract surgery

“You Must Be Bleeding Under Your Eyelids” by Blindside
“Eyes Without A Face” by Billy Idol
“I’d Rather Go Blind” by Etta James

Hearing exam

“Can’t You Hear Me Knocking?” by the Rolling Stones
“I Heard It Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye
“Do You Hear What I Hear” by Carrie Underwood

Breast augmentation

“Let’s Give ‘Em Something to Talk About” by Bonnie Raitt
“Silicone Grown” by The Faces (Rod Stewart’s early band)
“Biggest Part of Me” by Ambrosia

Face lift

“Tighten Up” by Archie Bell and The Drells
“Forever Young” by Joan Baez or Bob Dylan
“You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon
“If I Could Turn Back Time” by Cher

Hemorrhoidectomy

“King of Pain” by The Police
“Lookin’ Out My Back Door” by Creedence Clearwater Revival

Sleep study

“I’m Gonna Sleep with One Eye Open” by Dolly Parton
“Talking in Your Sleep” by The Romantics
“I’m So Tired” by the Beatles
“Up All Night” by the Boomtown Rats
“Last Night I Didn’t Get to Sleep at All” by the Fifth Dimension

Doctor visit for erectile dysfunction

“Keep Your Head Up” by Andy Grammer
“I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt
“Love is Here and Now You’re Gone” by the Supremes
“Try and Love Again” by the Eagles
“The Thrill Has Gone” by BB King
“Love in Vain” by the Rolling Stones
“Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones

Doctor visit for sexually transmitted infection

“U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer
“Unintended Consequence of Love” by Bonnie Raitt
“Bad Case of Loving You” by Robert Palmer
“The Lady is a Tramp” by Frank Sinatra
“Burning Love” by Elvis Presley
“Girls Just Want to Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper
“To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before” by Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson

About Roxanne Jones

By day, Roxanne Jones is an award-winning freelance copywriter specializing in health and medicine. She launched Boomer Haiku, a humorous blog about life as a baby boomer, in 2015, and a Boomer Haiku greeting card line in 2016 (available at 6 Maine stores; visit www.boomerhaiku.com/shop/ to learn more). Born and raised in Brunswick, she left Maine after high school (Class of 1971) and, after living in Massachusetts and California, came screaming back to her home state in 2006. She enjoys chardonnay, laughing at the foibles and frustrations of getting older, and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.

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Roxanne Jones

By day, Roxanne Jones is an award-winning freelance copywriter specializing in health and medicine. She launched Boomer Haiku, a humorous blog about life as a baby boomer, in 2015, and a Boomer Haiku greeting card line in 2016 (available at 6 Maine stores; visit www.boomerhaiku.com/shop/ to learn more). Born and raised in Brunswick, she left Maine after high school (Class of 1971) and, after living in Massachusetts and California, came screaming back to her home state in 2006. She enjoys chardonnay, laughing at the foibles and frustrations of getting older, and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.