Give 'Em Hill: A study in Sherlock

Initial observations: Ink marks on nose, indicating an itchy snout and/or poor pen control; calloused lower palms from resting hands on a computer keyboard, which, in conjunction with ink evidence, suggests the profession of writer -- likely a news reporter of some kind, but clearly not one smart enough to requisition one of those cushioned wrist pads.

Additional data: Home bookshelves contain "The Art of Star Trek," all the Harry Potter books, everything Tolkien, complete special-PBS-member-edition DVD collection of the Jeremy Brett version of "Sherlock Holmes"; accompanying DVDs of the new BBC "Sherlock" with the perfectly quirky Benedict Cumberbatch as Holmes of 21st-century London -- one disk is out of its case, indicative of a plan for additional viewing to deduce how Irene Adler knew Moriarty and Mycroft and where she got those numbers on her mobile that turned out to be seat assignments on a doomed 747 full of bodies purloined from the morgue and ... oh never mind.

Conclusion established from careful deductive reasoning: Geek.

I see but do not observe

Yes. Yes, it's true. It is simplicity itself. I am a geek. Not a full-on geek in the sense of being actually super smart, like math geeks or computer wizards. And most definitely not in the ranks of true Sherlockians. Come, come now. They are the "Star Wars" fans of the literary world, able to distinguish 140 types of cigar ash faster than George Lucas can whip up a CGI bantha in 3-D.

Indeed, my dear friends, I have more of -- dare I say -- an elementary appreciation for Holmes. Evidence: love the BBC shows; own two Holmes video games; crafted a Holmes head out of papier mÃ¢che for a mystery-themed Halloween display after careful study of photos of Jeremy Brett.

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I am surely "Sher Locked" (geeky reference from the Cumberbatch version), but many of the details and insider allusions elude my small brain. For example, I had to look up the significance of Watson's blog counter getting stuck on "1,895" in the Irene Adler episode. Even Holmes first thought The Woman had hacked the blog as a clue to her mobile phone password. But no. From what I can divine online, it's a reference to the last line of a 1942 poem by early extreme Sherlockian, Vincent Starrett, in which he romanticizes the dynamic duo who "never lived and so can never die," ... "and it is always eighteen ninety-five."

Undying deduction

Indeed, Holmes certainly lives on, and on, and on. Guinness World Records has listed him as the "most portrayed movie character" of all time, with 75 actors playing the part in more than 200 films. Of course few reach the heights and depths of Brett and Cumberbatch -- no offense to Basil Rathbone, but plenty of offense to Robert Downey Jr., especially for "Sherlock Holmes 2." I just can't buy an English accent emerging from the lips of Tony Stark. And his scruffy appearance? Pishaw. Everyone knows the canon of Conan Doyle describes Holmes in "The Hound of the Baskervilles" as having a "cat-like" love of personal cleanliness.

(Word is Warner Bros. is planning another Downey sequel, due out in 2014. If true, we can only hope the Mayans were right and the world will end before that.)

Sadly, we have all survived long enough for CBS to bastardize our beloved mysteries with "Elementary," described thusly by the network: " ... after a stint in rehab, eccentric Sherlock escapes to Manhattan where his wealthy father forces him to live with his worst nightmare -- a sober companion, Dr. Watson (played by Lucy Liu), a successful surgeon until she lost a patient and her license three years ago."

OK, so I haven't watched it. But one critic gave it the alternate title of: "The Seven-Per-Cent Dilution." And you should see the scathingly erudite remarks in online Sherlock circles. The following was posted on The Sherlock Holmes Social Network, denouncing even the title of the show as an ignorant reference to the never-actually-uttered Holmes catchphrase of, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

" ... linguistically, to call anything Holmes-related 'elementary' is an insult to the most beloved fictional detective in all of history," the post reads. One is then directed to a website called "The 'Elementary' Problem" where there's a petition with the counter aptly set at 1,895. I signed it, agreeing that -- well I'm not sure what I agreed to, but I'm sure it's super smart and not geeky at all and maybe will prevent George Lucas from sometime CGI-ing 140 types of cigar ash in 3-D.