browser life

rants, raves, laughs and a dedication to awareness about chronic illness and having a life despite it

Thursday, July 07, 2005

And the tummy continues to turn.....

Went to the gastroenterologist today about the abdominal attacks I've been having. She said it's very unlikely that I have an ulcer because I've been on Nexium for two years. I may, however, have a problem in the bile duct.

She told me that even though I had my gallbladder removed six years ago, sometimes, tiny bits of would-be gallstones might have migrated out of the gallbladder prior to its removal. One of these only has to be the size of a grain of sand to cause painful spasms. So I'm going to have an abdominal ultrasound on Friday to make sure I don't have an enlarged bile duct.

If that comes back normal, I will have to wait for another attack before I can have bloodwork that might point to the problem. Apparently, it has to be within 24 hours of an attack. She wrote me a script to have the testing done so that when an attack happens I can just go to a local lab without seeing a doc first.

I'm hoping either that I never have another attack or that if a problem is found, it's very minor. I'd rather avoid further surgery if possible. At least I probably don't have an ulcer.

In other news, got up this morning and saw that Dan had cleaned out my desk at work for me. He had everything in a box on the kitchen table. It made me want to cry, seeing the remnants of a ten year job and knowing it was over.

I have to talk to my disability insurance company tomorrow and probably my union rep and human resources. I'm nervous, as if stating that I am not returning to work is pronouncing my doom or something. I can see why some people drag their feet about applying for disability as it is somewhat intimidating.

So I suspect my mourning period will go on for a bit longer. Not to be melodramatic, but it does feel a bit like something in my life has died. As brave as I like to be, certain types of change do inspire fear.

I know I'll get through this ok. But I also know enough about grief to know that I must acknowledge its existence before I am able to change my life for the better. That's just how I operate best.

The people that say anyone collecting Social Security is just lazy really have no clue. Why would I put myself through this if I didn't need to? Why would I choose to give up a job with excellent pay and benefits in favor of accepting one-fourth of that amount from the federal government? Call me materialistic if you wish, but, hey, I'd much rather be collecting the big fat paycheck I had grown so accustomed to, because the work itself wasn't difficult, had I not gotten sick. I'm trying like crazy not to feel like a bum, trying to ignore the fact that some people will see me as one when they find out I'm not going back to work.