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4/05/2010

Welcome Rhiannon, from Dead, Undead or Somewhere in Between

Today I'm interviewing Rhiannon, heroine of Dead, Undead or Somewhere in Between by the amazing J.A. Saare. Rhiannon's not exactly nice to me, but then again, I'm not used to hearing from folks who "see dead people" unless I'm watching The Sixth Sense.

1) So you're like a necromancer. I've also heard you work in a strip club. Is a necromancer some kind of fancy stripper?

Is that a serious question, or are you fucking with me? I see dead people, but I don’t shake my tits and ass while I’m doing it.

2) Okay, so you don't actually strip. Excuse me for thinking logically. Whatever. So how did you start working there?

Have you ever been to a bar in the Bronx? No? Well, it’s one hell of a way to get your start. Before I got a job at the BP, I was over at Dilligan’s Pub. They trained me in the school of bar, showed me the ropes, and gave me a good idea of what I was getting into. It wasn’t a bad gig, with the exception of assholes who liked to cop a feel here and there, which was how I wound up being hired and fired on the same night.

It was fall, during football season -- which let me tell you, sucks ass. I was at the bar, filling a pitcher of Bud, when a drunken louse decided to reach over and pinch my ass. I gave him the customary warning, but it was obvious once wasn’t enough. The final time he got a got a handful, I snagged the fucker by the hair and buried his face into one of the endless bowls of peanuts at the bar. In retrospect, I should have let it slide. He was three-sheets to the wind and coasting on empty, but it was a bad night with shitty customers. My boss fired me on the spot.

As I was leaving, I was approached by a man I’d seen come into the joint an hour before. He said his name was Hector, he worked in a club that required employees being able to defend themselves, and asked if I was interested in working the bar. I said yes, he said great, and voila, fired and hired.

3) Is it true you have a fetish for leather? Is that part of your strip club training? How's that working out for you?

A fetish for leather?

Okay, listen, I get it. I work in a strip club. I serve drinks to men that enjoy a T&A display. I’m used to the implication that I must like to get my kink on. Really, I do. But you can stop making everything sexual? What are you? One of those women who write smutty romance novels?

No, absolutely not. Because that would be shameful. *cough*

4) Since you said a necromancer's NOT a stripper, what's the big deal? I mean, I'm a writer and I push pencils around a desk. You don't see me getting my own freaking series, now do ya?

You can blame Jaime herself for that shit. She’s the one who thinks the things that happen to me should be shared. She finds it adventurous and funny, which I suppose makes sense. I mean, she changes shitty diapers all day. Where’s the excitement in that?

Personally, I think having our lives written out on paper is fucking weird. Not to mention, she’s the gatekeeper. Could you imagine? Having a housewife, mom, and breeder holding the keys to your future? Yeah, it sucks like THAT.

How would you like it if people read about your sex life, Cari? Does that sound like something you’d enjoy?

5) You sure do have a lot of laws. Are you involved with law enforcement in some capacity? Like really, really involved? *wink* If not, who else rocks your socks? Surely a girl so...agile can't still be single.

Since common sense seems to be dwindling in the human gene pool, I’d say that my laws should be enforced. Idiocy shouldn’t be tolerated, not in any capacity.

As for my love life… I think in light of Jaime’s big mouth, which tells plenty, I’ll keep mine shut.

6) I've heard you try to solve crimes against man and nature. Did you read a lot of Nancy Drew books growing up? Or are you just naturally a crime stalker?

Nancy fucking Drew?

I’m not even going to justify that with an answer.

7) And for lucky number 7...really, one book wasn't enough? Do you honestly have more to say in The Renfield Syndrome? I thought you were pretty much a smitten kitten and had your life all tidy, then whoomp, there it is, slam dunk ending. So what's next? You gonna preach some more laws and prance around in those trashy boots?

Jaime is a cruel bitch, isn’t she? Just when things calm down and I think, “your journey to insane shit stops here,” she tosses my ass to the fucking curb.

It’s all good. I have a few tricks up my sleeve…or my trashy shit kicking boots, if you will.

What an awesome interview! I literally have tears coming from my eyes reading that! Rhiannon is one tough cookie that's for sure. I wouldn't want her to be any other way. This was my fav part: "Having a housewife, mom, and breeder holding the keys to your future? Yeah, it sucks like THAT." LMAO!!