Fridays with Marian

Martin Luther King Jr. Day is a day where many reflective individuals rejoice for a three-day weekend. Dinesh D’Souza, however, refuses to be reflective. D’Souza took the opportunity to draw comparisons between Martin Luther King Jr. and himself. Call me crazy, but I just don’t think D’Souza represents any part of Dr. King’s legacy. Honestly, I feel secondhand embarrassment for D’Souza for having made this comparison in multiple tweets. And I thought I had a big ego. Of course, D’Souza blames his eight-month sentence at a community confinement center on President Obama’s quest for vengeance. If this were indeed the case, I can’t blame Obama for incarcerating the creep who stalked his half-brother in Kenya for his movie “2016: Obama’s America” (2012). As soon as I finished this column, Dinesh D’Souza made another series of ridiculously idiotic statements to Fox News’s Megyn Kelly. D’Souza utilized his time on air to claim that Obama “hasn’t actually had the African American experience” in this country because (a) he is not descended from slaves and (b) he lived in Hawaii, as well as Indonesia, and has “made multiple trips to Kenya.” I think that statement speaks for itself. Perhaps what confuses me most is how, despite his temporary forced removal from society, his presence still pervades all forms of media. Speaking of President Obama, who watched his State of the Union address? I watched a few minutes, but being the conscientious student that I am, I can’t spare the time to watch the entire address. Or maybe I just can’t endure an hour-long speech that could be much shorter if Obama would speak without his signature pauses between every sentence. And, of course, I can only endure the Oompa Loompa that is John Boehner for so long before I am inspired to watch “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (2005). Before I allow my mind to wander away from the hallowed House chamber, I have a single grievance to air. My Facebook and Twitter were blowing up after Obama made the comment that he has won both presidential elections, so he is no longer on the campaign trail. If the American people think that statement was such a shocking and even badass joke (and according to my social media newsfeeds, they do), our nation is going to hell in a handbasket. Now onto the hottest topic in foreign affairs these days. I am talking, of course, about the controversy over the selfie involving Miss Lebanon and Miss Israel. My feminist instincts cause me to cringe at the idea of beauty pageants in which women parade around in bathing suits. Yet, I feel I owe it to my readership — including but not limited to College President Phil Hanlon — to weigh in on this important issue. I would like to use this opportunity to inform my fellow “Serial” fans of some semi-breaking news. (Brace yourself for another column about “Serial,” devoted readers!) I’ve got two words for you: Asia McClain. She’s back. This could blow the whole case wide open — leaving me free to snuggle up to Adnan sooner than I had ever dreamed. The real question is if the #freeAdnan movement is successful, who gets to be Adnan’s main squeeze? It’s a love triangle between one perhaps wrongly-convicted felon and two reporters. I may not have worked for the Baltimore Sun and National Public Radio (and much to my chagrin, I certainly have not won a Peabody award for my work), but I do some pretty hard-hitting reporting on these very pages. Who will win Adnan’s heart — his original confidant Sarah Koenig or his soon-to-be pen-pal, an underdog who is known to some as Marian Lurio (and to others as that ______, depending on who you ask)? Of course, Koenig will have to leave her husband (or become polyandrous, which I think is a great idea) if she’s in it for the long haul. I plan on spending my weekend writing some letters — sealed with a kiss — to send to the Maryland Correctional Facility in advance of Valentine’s Day. I don’t want to take any chances with the mail-sorting process in said prison. It’s on, Sarah. Speaking of all things taboo, Beyonce is “vulgar,” or so says former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee (who is no stranger to this column). Maybe if Huckabee’s show were still on the air and we had the pleasure of listening to the Little Rocks (the band that closes his shows), then we wouldn’t have to listen to Beyonce’s sinful music. And there you have it — all the news from this past week. No need to watch the news, read CNN.com or open those Skimm daily news emails. In the meantime, there’s no rest for the weary. A hard-hitting — and completely qualified — reporter like myself is always on the job. I’d be nothing without my fanbase, so thanks for your support and love. I would like to dedicate this column to “Anonymous” who commented on last week’s column online. Your support means the world to me. And I will continue to produce this “kitchy” “drivel” with a “lack of substance” in your honor.