Before
my daughter was born, I spent a lot of time reading up on how to get
"prepared" for motherhood. Brush up on diapering skills? Check. Learn
AAP recommendations on back to sleep? Check. And on and on it went. But
for all the duties the parenting books prepare you for, there are
hundreds they leave out of the mom job description.

Ah, didn't know there WAS a mom job description, did you? Because motherhood isn't a job? It's true. Motherhood is not a job.

It's dozens of them! Just take a look at the jobs I have become pretty darn adept at in the 8 years since my kid was born ...

1. Detective.
So the NYPD isn't exactly knocking on my door, begging to hire me, but
I'm busy anyway ... I'm solving the mystery of a missing left shoe.

2. Sandwich artist. Yes, that's what the people at
Subway call themselves, and ya know what? If I can manage to get four
perfectly equal triangles with no jelly oozing out the sides, I think I
can slap squares of cheese on bread.

3. Cosmetologist. Why didn't anyone tell me I was going to have to learn French braiding and hair de-knotting when I became a mother?

4. Biologist. What is that growing in the bottom of the toybox? Wait, is that an abandoned peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Or was that ham?

5. Pediatrician. I'm not saying I'm board certified
or anything, but I've gotten pretty darn good at telling a real cough
from an "I don't want to go to school today because we have a math test"
cough.

6. Seamstress. Let's just say that if you ever plan
on getting a puppy, you buy a giant storage unit and move ALL of your
child's most beloved toys into it first ... that is unless you like
spending your Friday nights with a needle and thread making repairs?

7. Security specialist. I have done the reconnaissance and ensured that the closet is secure. There are no monsters in there.

8. Doorman. She goes out, I get up and close the
door. She comes in, I get up and close the door. There's also a bit of
yelling out the window or up the stairs to "close the darn door," but
this one still seems to be in my area of expertise.