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Absence of sex but we're great together

Dear All,

I have been married for 2 years to a very loving husband. We rarely had sex before our wedding. I used to just think its down to us being tired. But our situation got much worse after the wedding. We have had arguement about it on our honeymoon and several times after that. We decided to see a relationship counsellor but i ended up wasting a lot of money and our situation did not improve. Now 2 years on, I have no confidence left in me. I dont feel good about myself and really doubt how I look and also very insecure.

I dont feel the same about him. I still love him and care about him a lot but i am not at all attracted sexually to him because that side of the relationship has become so bitter. I have had to tell him about it, It feels like he is my best friend, but thats it. Every time we would have an arguement about not having sex, he will make an effort once and forget about it for 2 or 3 months, until i get really frustrated again and have another arguement about it.In that 2 to 3 months, i will taunt myself with questions and get very angry inside and really bitter and then just explode.

We get on perfectly well otherwise, he is incredible in every way, make me breakfast, looks after me, cares about me, treat and respects my family like his own. I just dont want to ruin my relationship with him as other than the absence of sex we are great together.

What shall i do, as i have become very bitter inside, I am miserable and really at breakdown point.

It sounds like you've made a real effort to tackle this issue in your relationship so it's understandable that you're frustrated. I'm sorry that relationship counselling didn't work, because it can often be quite useful. Did you only try the one counsellor? It can sometimes be a trial and error thing finding one that suits you as a couple. Or it may be that seeing a sex therapist is more useful?

I'm going to link you to some TheSite articles that you may find helpful to read. How much sex is normal? - I think the last paragraph in particular may be helpful about re-energising your relationshipMismatched sex drives - Gives you some tips on how to talk about differing sex drivesLow male libido - This may help you look at the wider picture of why your husband isn't feeling up to sex.

The important theme in most of these articles is mostly that you shouldn't take a lack of sexual interest from your partner too personally. Often the problem has nothing to do with you or how sexy/attractive you are - but it's more something that's not right with 'them'. Although your reaction is totally normal, try and hold onto the knowledge that you're a attractive and beautiful - he wouldn't have married you otherwise.

Feel free to keep posting and let us know if you've found these pieces useful.