What do you do if a girl is mentally your perfect gf, but you aren't attracted to her physically?

I've been dating a girl for a year who is mentally my ideal partner. She is outgoing, drags me out of my comfort zone, gets excited about everything and somehow whenever we spend time together it turns into the whole day.

The problem is she is quite literally the opposite of my type. This manifests in that she is quite short, doesn't have a nice butt and most of all I don't really like her clothing style. Bear in mind she is not unattractive, just not my type.

I feel bad for being so superficial, but whenever i'm out and about I keep seeing girls that are my type which keeps reminding me that i'm not that attracted to this girl.

But maybe I am being too perfectionistic. I keep worrying that if I go back to this girl i'll be thinking "what if". "what if there's someone who's as fun as her but also is what i'm attracted to?".

As a final important piece of information, we dated for about a year but we've broken up for a few months now. It's weird because we still spend a lot of time together and that is not awkward at all.

Therefore I want some outside advice. What would you do in this situation?

Update: I see a lot of people getting triggered for my butt comment, yet read over the fact that I've already broken up with her and she is free to do what she wants. The fact that she doesn't have a nice butt is not even that important, I feel her clothing style is more important because I refuse to force her to change anything about herself for my benefit, she is who she is and I have to accept her as that.

That said, thanks for all the replies so far, some people described it as FOMO, which I think fits very well. I'm not heartbroken I broke up with her, but I am worried about not finding anyone like her. If I'm not heartbroken then I probably shouldn't give it a second chance... But that still doesn't put my mind at ease.

I'm just going to say it, it doesn't matter who you are with. There all always be someone more attractive, either physically or mentally or emotionally. You have to ask yourself how much you really care about this girl, and if you'd be willing to throw it all away on the chance you might find someone more attractive. I've met plenty of plain girls with amazing personalities, and beautiful girls with rotten ones.

Another important thing to add here is that its important to be physically and emotionally attracted to someone in a relationship. If you're not physically attracted to her at all then it could cause problems later regardless of how hard you try.

Maybe it's just me, but there have been people I initially wasn't as attracted to until after I realized how much I liked them/ how they acted then they became extremely attractive to me. He might just not like her that much.

I have been in that same situation. There was this person I was not attracted to at all when we first met, but after a few months, they became so attractive to me because they had the best personality I’ve ever known.

Since he has been with her for a year and still is not physically attracted to her, I agree that he doesn’t like her enough. Some people are just better off being friends.

That's true, a 1 times a 2 is still just a 2, haha. But I'm talking about someone that's more like a 5-6. If I was just in the moment and horny and just wanted sex, I'd be after the 8-9-10. But if I'm just spending time with someone, intimate or not, really the 5-6 times 2 for that emotional connection becomes more attractive.

Expressing this thought used up way too many numbers, geez. This isn't math, what am I doing?

This sounds like a desperate mindset, like you're trying to hold onto her just in case you don't find someone better. What if you're keeping her from someone better? What if next month she can find someone who thinks she is really attractive and likes her personality? Why would you do that to someone? It's not about finding someone more attractive than someone else, it's about finding someone that you're attracted to and OP is not.

But isn't fomo exactly what he's describing? I don't entirely disagree with what he said but the premise is basically "there could be someone out there much better for both of you so leave now." That's fomo in a nutshell.

I read the comment more in the way of not settling if you aren't sure that person is the one for you. Why waste either of their time in that way. With what the OP wrote, the way he describes it seems more directly linked to fomo imo. So when I said being rid of fomo altogether, maybe that would change his opinion of this person? or, maybe it wouldn't. Deciding to leave because you aren't sure the person is right for you as an individual is different to me than deciding to leave because you are holding onto an idea of someone that may or may not exist.

Yeah, not really fair to her either. She also deserves someone who actually finds her attractive. I think it will eventually cause problems. Attraction in a romantic relationship is a must. There has to be something there even if she is not ridiculously attractive, you still need to be able to find her irresistible somehow. There can't be no attraction.

Yup, that was the main thing that led me to end a relationship when I was in such a situation: I knew it wasn't fair on her, and that I couldn't truly reciprocate her feelings (also I was generally just being an undiagnosed reckless bipolar piece of shit, she deserved better).

Luckily ended well (and she's in a happy relationship now with a great guy), but yeah there's no point in faking it and while sometimes attraction can develop overtime, I think an initial baseline romantic/sexual attraction needs to be present.

They can still be friends if there is no attraction. You can learn to like someone you are attracted to physically, but you cannot lie to your dick and become attracted to someone because you are "supposed to".

If it was that easy, there would be no cheating, breakups or divorces.

You simply kidnap her, kidnap someone that you are physically attracted to, remove the brains of both, then place the brain of your mentally perfect gf into the now empty space in the other chick's skull.

I mean, that's what I did and trust me, I'm an expert in mental.

You simply kidnap her, kidnap someone that you are physically attracted to, remove the brains of both, then place the brain of your mentally perfect gf into the now empty space in the skull of the chick you are physically attracted to.

Also that woman. Pease move along because she likes you too much to do it, but may become resentful years from now that she clearly is not your thing, but missed out on having a relationship with someone who was attracted to her.

Ooh, I see it now. 🙈 Well that depends. He says they still hang out a lot. Did they have a period of no contact where they processed all their old feelings? Are they dating other people? Or did they seemlesly go from dating each other to hanging out on the sofa cuddling as they watch Netflix as friends? The fact that he's even asking this question makes me think it's the latter.

Your are right.. never thought that he might be leading her on.. I thought that the outing were all done outside and I guess until op clarifies the dynamic, I'm making assumptions that I shouldn't but if it's the latter as you said..

Why is she too good for him? He's just acknowledging he's not physically attracted to her even though he likes her and acknowledges her as attractive and is confused by what that means. Physical attraction is important. Make it clear you don't see her romantically if you suspect she has feelings for you. Don't stay in something because you fear you won't find what you are looking for. People you get on really well with but aren't sexually attracted to are called friends and you're allowed to have them.

You’re right. ‘Too good for him’ is a misnomer on my part. Meaning if he can have all this greatness except something as superficial as looks, then I give more credit to the less shallow here (her)
The love of my life was significantly less attractive than i, to the point strangers would ask if I was ‘ok’ when we were out in public alone. His looks didn’t make me love him, he had so much that I adored...and I don’t want this dude broken hearted because she wasn’t the right ‘face/body type/style’

You can be with the hottest girl in the world, but at the end of the day she will grow old. All that will be left will be her personality and how loving and caring she is.
My advice would be to make up your mind, don't give her false hope. I'm sure there are things about you that she doesn't like as well, but she compromises because that's what normal people do. If you can't overlook her clothes or her flat ass, let her find someone who can.

EDIT: typo

You can be with the hottest girl in the world, but at the end of the day she will grow old. All that will be left will be her personally and how loving and caring she is.
My advice would be to make up your mind, don't give her false hope. I'm sure there are things about you that she doesn't like as well, but she compromises because that's what normal people do. If you can't overlook her clothes or her flat ass, let her find someone who can.

I am older than the average redditor, and as you are a student you are probably young. With regard to people getting ugly as they get older, I probably thought that too at your age.

But, for most people, the age range you are attracted to increases in line with your age (there are some exceptions, this doesn’t always happen for some emotionally stunted people).

When I was twenty, I was attracted to people of a similar age and thought they were objectively most attractive. Now, twenty year olds aren’t remotely attractive to me. They look like kids with not quite fully formed faces, with no character to their faces. I’m attracted to people about the same age as me, and facial lines etc don’t matter at all.

Posting to add another perspective to the young person’s commonly held view that older people are ugly.

Being less attractive after their prime =/= free pass for not finding them attractive in the first place

Nor does it mean that once you leave your prime, you instantly drop 5 spots on the 1-10 rating.

Example, I like girls who are fit and into fitness. Part of this reason is that I know somebody in that lifestyle, who's got an active enough body for me to be attracted to, isn't going to be fat when they're 50.

They won't be as lean or muscular as when they're 28, but starting point was good enough that even if it slips the understandable amount, I'd still absolutely be attracted to them.

On the flip side, I've seen situations where person A date's somebody on the bigger side of things (no judging, everybody's got a preference), but when that person adds weight, Person A realizes they're no longer attracted to them. Why? The person was in the upper bound of physiques they found attractive, so it didn't take much pushing to get them out of that zone.

TL:DR - Attractiveness is important and you can't just reason it away due to people losing attractiveness as they age.

Example, I like girls who are fit and into fitness. Part of this reason is that I know somebody in that lifestyle, who's got an active enough body for me to be attracted to, isn't going to be fat when they're 50.

That's not the same thing. People can be fit and not that attractive. I would argue that would actually be more personality driven.

Except there are many successful couples who don't have those memories because they got together when they were older. I'm not saying that attractiveness shouldn't matter at all, but it can't be a driving factor in a long term relationship because it will go away. If you base a relationship on that as a major part of it then you are going to have a terrible time later on.

You hope that you love them enough to overcome the lust for a better body.

Okcupid had data a while ago showing the ideal most attractive woman for men of every age is around 21. If you can't overcome your lust for younger women as you grow, you're doomed to short relationships.

You can be with the hottest girl in the world, but at the end of the day she will grow old. All that will be left will be her personality and how loving and caring she is.

Not to sound distasteful but I never understood this. People age physically but their personality changes, too. No one is the same at 29 as they are at 69. Personality can change every bit as much. You just have to hope it changes in a way that means you and your SO are still compatible. It's a gamble, so staying with someone you're not attracted to because of their "loving personality" is a big mistake.

But you also said OP can leave her and let her find someone who can overlook/appreciate the aspects he doesn't like, which is true, so maybe my reply was unnecessary. Oh well, I'm stuck on a train and bored.

Personality can change every bit as much. You just have to hope it changes in a way that means you and your SO are still compatible.

I think personality changes are probably less likely because you are theoretically growing and changing together as well as communicating to each other along the way. At least, you should be if you have any interest in making a relationship work.

Sounds like you've already made up your mind. I'm not sure if you expect people on here to somehow make you attracted to her, but that's not going to happen. Being attracted to a long-term partner is important, but it's also just a piece of a bigger whole. If you really liked her personality as much as you say, you'd probably also be attracted to her.

There are billions of people in the world. You aren't objectively "special", and neither is she. If she doesn't feel "special" to you, then just let go and move on, and stop stringing her along. Find someone who you can fully appreciate and hope that they don't feel about you the way that you feel about this girl.

Also, since it's kind of relevant, I've been married to a woman for 15 years who "wasn't my type" when we met. However, I fell in love with her and that made me find her irresistibly attractive.

This is it. Attraction is about more than looks and if her personality hasn’t made her look like the most beautiful person in the world to him by now it’s not going to happen and he’s doing a disservice to both of them by holding on.

Personally for me, part of what makes a person attractive is how much I like them as a person. I've known people I've thought were very plain looking, but after getting to know how great they are, I think they're absolutely attractive, but also meeting attractive people and then getting to know how much I don't like them, they for sure become less attractive and I wonder how I ever thought they were in the first place.

I'd say cut it off. It's not fair to her. And she deserves to be with someone who loves her for both her personality and looks. Nothing against you at all. Everyone likes what they like. It's part of our human nature.

Exactly. If he’s not attracted to her after a year then he’s not going to suddenly change... he’s just wasting her life and his before the relationship inevitably ends when she works this out for herself.

actually, go with your DICK not your heart. Your heart's desire can be easily changed. Heart can be negotiated with, convinced to love someone over time. But dick is a ruthless dictator and cannot be reasoned with.

Yes, and this is exactly what that happens. Men follow their heart in spite of their dick, but the dick, being a stubborn and single-minded fucker, slowly erodes their willpower until they cheat, divorce, or go mad from deprivation.

(by "dick" of course I mean the naturally evolved sexual instinct to mate with as many partners as possible, as opposed to the female instinct of hypergamy: mate with the BEST partner possible. We are after all, primates.)

Sounds like you're young and needing to play the field. You won't take anyones advice to heart here and break hers in the process. The years will go by as you fail to convince yourself you did the right thing. In the end, you will miss her, and feel terrible for not appreciating it.

Or he could go out with her for another two years before she works out he’s not actually attracted to her and they break up, having wasted two years they could’ve potentially been friends for and found other people.

Oh wait... that’s how I did it.

Even if I’m married now, I still regret the time we both wasted after I should’ve pulled the plug.

Even if I’m married now, I still regret the time We both wasted after I should’ve pulled the plug.

Keep her as a friend and move on romantically. It's important to have the whole package and it's clear from your post it's too big of an issue for you to accept. Perhaps spending time away will lead you to a more definitive answer.

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re being shallow. You’re just not that into her. You can’t help what you’re attracted to.

You need both pieces of the puzzle for a successful relationship - physical and mental attraction. You don’t have the physical, it will never work. Best to walk away and let you both find people that you’re 100% into.

You need both pieces of the pieces of the puzzle for a successful relationship - physical and mental attraction. You don’t have the physical, it will never work. Best to walk away and let you both find people that you’re 100% into.

"hey, I really like you as a person, but this is not working out. Lets just be friends".

And then actually try being friends. Trust me, you will never "get over" not being attracted to her. I made that mistake many times. Your dick is resistant to mind control, it will want what it wants, and destroy your life if you keep neglecting its needs and choices.

If the issue really is “most of all I don’t really like her clothing style” that’s a pretty lame thing to base your decision on. Not gonna lie, this post and some of the comments hurt to read because I spent the past 25 years alone because I was overweight and my self-esteem was in the toilet. I’m in better shape now and go out more often, but reading stuff like this makes me realize exactly why I isolated myself. Some people really are that superficial, no matter how great your personality is. Bottom line - if you found someone your type and picked her, would you still love her if she was maimed in an accident, gained weight, or got wrinkles/grey hair? Cause there’s your answer. Looks can change in an instant. It’s the inside that really counts.

Is it a lame thing though? Because I feel like I can't force what I like on her, she has her own clothing choices and that's her choice. I don't want to force what I want on her because that's not fair in any way.

But regarding your question, if I found someone my type, we get married and she was maimed then yes absolutely I would stay with her. Once you love someone then it's easy to always find someone attractive no matter what

Every partner I ever had, not to mention very many female friends, would regularly ask me for fashion advice. They told me I was like the 'sassy gay friend' (TM) except straight. I also told the truth if a dress made them look fat (because they do want to know).

Most women want fashion guidance, providing that it comes from capable hands.

Just makes it awkward when she wants validation about any given outfit. I answer in the most positive fashion I can manage without being dishonest (so if the outfit is a skirt I can say it highlights her legs even if it's not in a way I personally think looks attractive).

It's just a minor thing most of the time, but if you're unhappy about other parts of a relationship the minor things clan accumulate and become an issue.

You can’t force, no, but you could suggest if it’s really that big of a deal. Buy her something you like, or go shopping with her and help her pick out something new. Compliment her when she wears stuff more your style, so she starts to learn what you like. The goal isn’t a new wardrobe overnight, more of a subtle nudge to try something new. (By the way, sorry if I came across harshly. It hit a nerve, what can I say? Lol)

How so? If I was a woman, the most perfect man in every way from r/MensFashion could walk into the room, and you couldn't pay me enough to date him.

Clothing choice, music choice, movie choice...these choices are usually important. I will never date someone who listens to hip-hop, because I despise that music and would hate to be around it. I cannot date someone who's a huge Adam Sandler fan, because I'd blow my brains out if I had to watch that kind of movie. These are basic incompatibilities, and there's absolutely nothing lame about them.

I used to think this about my current gf, second guessing where I wanted to be and if this was ideal for me after about the 18 month-2 year mark. It’s been 5 years now, and even though there are flaws I’m still battling, I love her and we are comfortable together. I’m only mid twenties but it is so nice to not have any drama in a relationship. I see some 10s out there that must be so high maintenance but I can buy my gf a donut and cuddle her when she’s in her PJs with no make up and I get a real happiness. Over time you find you get attached to people, and unless it becomes to the point where you can’t get sexually aroused at all, I’d stick at it. Compatibility is deeper than physicality, it’s in the soul.

Having physical and sexual chemistry is a fundamental part of any relationship. You need more than just animal chemistry to build a strong, healthy relationship - but if you're missing it, the entire relationship will fall apart in the end, because it's missing a basic piece.

Knowing what I know now - I'd personally advise you not to consider a relationship with anyone you don't find attractive/is your type, if you want a lasting, successful relationship.

If she's mentally perfect for you I think you shouldn't let go. Honestly attraction can grow overtime or fade away over time. If the starting point isn't 'superattracted' right away it doesn't have to be a problem, because if it is the other way around u might lose the attraction over time. Also, when u are dating her long enough she might change her clothing style a bit, because she wants YOU to find her attractive. She will know what you like and dislike.

Another thing, does this have anything to do with sex? In my opinion if sex with someone is great u automatically find them more attractive. If it isn't good, just talk about it and be honest about what you want. Trust me it will work wonders

yeah, he's being shallow. he's saying he cares about an emotional connection but he's being picky and choosy in other things. he's already dating her, the only way i see him staying with her is if he bullies her into changing something about herself

He has preferences. He went against those because her personality and demeanor were so great. That's the opposite of shallow. And, as I'm sure you can see, compromising on that stuff is generally a bad idea.

Most people do settle for someone who is just "good enough" though. Nobody finds a person who is 100% compatible with them on physical, mental and emotional level, we just find people whose good parts overshadow their bad parts for us personally.

No, because he's realized that, contrary to popular belief (the one you seem to be touting), attraction is more layered than "she's great, so I'll compromise". We need to let go of this idea that attraction and desire can be negotiated. YOU are saying that he shouldn't be shallow. How can he do that without settling?

then what's the question? he's only asking in the first place because he has some kind of moral dilemma. if it's as simple as knowing that they aren't going to work out then what is he waiting for?

if he knows what he likes in a girl then he should go look for one who looks the way he wants, not hope that he can convince himself otherwise and waste this girls time. girls aren't product that he can go browse around and pick and choose. he wants a girl with a personality he can love AND a body he wants to fuck. this is fine, but he can't just whine that his current girlfriend is not both of these and then stay with her anyway.

That's what I've been saying this whole time. But you, from the get-go, made it sound like compromise is his only option, lest he be "shallow". It's not shallow to search for partners based on our preferences. It's smart. It's the least damaging way of doing things.

you are acting like he isn't stringing this girl along right now on the off chance he suddenly regains interest.

its the cool thing to oppose people who go in aggressive, i feel you, but he is even still with this girl even now. if he doesn't want to compromise then why is he even asking? he must, in some way, be afraid that he would be viewed as negative for thinking this way why else would he take time to post a reddit post asking random people what they think?

if it were a friend of mine and he and his girlfriend broke up and his reason was "oh yknow she was perfect just not attractive" im definitely gonna not bite his head off for it but i am probably gonna grill him at least once on why he even dated her in the first place, as there might be some other issue that made him think he had to settle in the first place.

They've broken up. He's scared that he's making a mistake, because the world is full of people telling him to not be shallow. So he has relationship FOMO. He thinks it's an impossible equation to find someone that's physically attractive to him, AND has a great personality. Because for some fucked up reason, people think that one excludes the other.

Thanks, this is more what I'm talking about. I dated her for a year exactly because her personality is so fun and I didn't want to be shallow. Except I kept doubting myself because I wasn't that attracted to her. Now that I've broken up with her and we're just friends my mind is worrying that I will never find someone with a personality like her again and maybe that's why I should get back with her.

There are plenty of attractive people out there with great personalities. One does not exclude the other. Maybe you won't be AS well matched as with this girl, but the world is full of great people. Don't worry about it.

and it's not that i get anything out of calling him shallow. it's that "my girl so sweet too bad i don't love her more cuz she ain't pretty enough for me"

that's. shallow.

this girl might actually care about him but he's on the fence about it and only with her so he doesn't have to feel bad about hurting her. i don't want him to eventually start bullying her into making changes to make herself more attractive to him, that's not fair to her when he could just stop being so superficial. he says he loves her personality but goes and says he can't be with her since he doesn't find her sexually attractive?

You can't have you cake and eat it too. Either he pleases you by "not being shallow" and compromises on shit he obviously finds important, ending up with women he's not as attracted to as he ideally should be - fucking himself AND this nice girl over in the process. OR he goes the "shallow" route.

BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU, DUMB DUMB. That call him shallow when he admits that he has a physical preference. Shame is a hell of a motivator for people and you did you part in shaming the notion of valuing looks today.

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Also: good looking people can have nice personalities. Looks don't cancel that out.

then why didn't he find one of those good looking people instead of stringing along this other girl just to trash her later? :O

he already feels shame just thinking this way anyway clearly otherwise why would he go out of his way to ask if it's bad to internet strangers?

valuing looks is fine but he already knew he was not attracted to her, it just sounds to me like maybe he was just in a hurry to find someone and he's frustrated he didn't get a 10 right away.

another thing, just because i go in aggressive or strong on a debate doesn't mean that im not still kind of right. and having the last word doesn't mean that you invalidated me. that's tumblr type logic.

Personally...I think you should break up with her. I have been attracted to objectively handsome men and not objectively handsome men because physical attraction is very strong when you love someone. I think you are a threat to her self-esteem. She deserves better than this, and perhaps you only love her as a friend.

This is a great question! I’ve often pondered the same thought. I personally believe that the success of a relationship relies on finances, and ensuring that the individual you are with is your best friend.

This girl sounds perfect for you from what I read. She may not look like a supermodel. There are going to be plenty of girls who are more attractive than her. But as long as you find her attractive, and you’ve found that perfect chemistry “mentally” as you say, then you sir are lucky!

Look, most of the very attractive girls you see, you probably won’t find that same sort of chemistry. It’s hard to find (at least for me).

I'm not saying I'm the sexiest guy ever, but I do find that I can attract very attractive women frequently and get compliments from then on a regular basis. For people counting, supposedly I'm a 7.5-8.5/10 according to the woman. My girlfriend is also very pretty, but not to as many people as I apparently am. Supposedly she's "only a 6".

Anyway, I've certainly thought, "I could be with someone even sexier", and I have in the past. But I didn't like them enough to stick around. Or they didn't like me or or or...any number of reasons.

But this lady, we have so much in common. We have our own sounds and words we use to convey feelings at times. We can be dorks together or fart in bed. I've never been so we'll meshed with someone. And at 27 I've met a lot of people. Maybe I could meet someone "better", but this girl loves me now and I her.

(Literally right now were in a hard time disagreeing about timing of kids, but we'll see where this leads. If we call it I'll be crushed, but if we do it'll be for both our best interests. But if we make it through, I see this lady as the rest of my life. Even though she isn't "oh my God, the most gorgeous lady ever")

Thanks man! You perfectly described a real-life scenario that shows what I was trying to get across.

I think you’ve found your girl. Give in to her interests just a little more, woman are very sensitive when it comes to kids from my experience. Just never let anyone hold you back from what you need to do!

If it is something that you are completely set on, that’s fine. You two need to sit down for a nice homemade dinner maybe with a bottle of wine and discuss your differences to come to a conclusion that’s best for both of you.

That being said, something my dad once told me was to find a woman you get along with and can communicate with because eventually you will get old, looks will fade, and you are going to have to talk to her.

One of my best friends is a very attractive girl that I’m (33m) not particularly attracted to, so I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been careful throughout our friendship never to cross that line because of it though even though I’m pretty sure she’d marry me tomorrow if I was willing.

I’ll offer a few more thoughts for and against the importance of physical attraction:

Men are visual creatures. It’s ok to be a little superficial. Don’t beat yourself up or force yourself to look completely past physical attraction.

Looks can and do fade. Don’t marry a girl for looks only because they’ll disappear eventually. Also looks can’t make up for a social connection.

You can be with your ideal physical specimen, a 10+/10 in your own eyes, but you’ll still have a bit of a wandering eye and temptation. When that fairly cute girl that’s only “kind of” in good shape makes a move on you, it’ll still be hard to turn her down even though she’s not nearly as attractive as your SO.

I ended up marrying an incredible girl that I am attracted to but not incredibly attracted to. She’s always been a little on the bigger side and really doesn’t dress how I’d prefer. If she ever got into great shape she’d have hundreds of thousands of Instagram followers (as stupid as this sounds) because her face is as pretty as they come and she has great skin / skin tone. But her figure has never been a priority for her. It’s been a struggle for me even though I knew what I was getting into because I have been with and still could be with girls with fantastic bodies. I’d love to tell you it’s easy because I love her with all my heart, but it’s a struggle because I do wish she’d make her appearance more of a priority.

I believe that when you'll be with someone you love you will stop considering and comparing parameters with other people because parameters will stop mattering.

I used to do that, now I'm with someone amazing to me, which I absolutely love, and while other people may be this or that in comparison, I just can't fathom ever losing my partner or growing distant from them.

Try to see if this girl truly matters to you like i described, like, in a way that you can push through your perfectionism and your comparisons with other people, because you know, deep inside, this girl is worth it. Over time, ignoring the second thoughts should become easier.

I'm not going to talk about your perceived shallowness since you're already working that out. I'll look at this from a shallow perspective too so you can make a decision:

So I'm under the impression a half-decent ass can be worked out with enough squats and nutrition. I'm also under the impression that clothing styles can change with some suggestion. (Although don't be overbearing and disrespectful about it) Therefore, I don't really see a problem based on the criteria you mentioned. Her height is not changeable but I would say relationships involve some compromise and there's probably some compromise in dating you.

All in all, if I were you, I would give it a shot and just very subtly get her to go to the gym with me as a date and go clothes shopping with her and tell her I think she'll look good in [x] clothing of your choice.

I believe all things come to an end for a reason. The first time you broke up, that should have been the end of it. Now you're back together, and questioning if you should break up again. Take your time and find what you're really looking for.

It may sound shitty, but you do need to be attracted to the person you're with to an extent.

With that said, if shes your ideal woman besides that, it's still pretty special. Looks, weight and everything physical changes through time, and eventually it wont matter how hot she was in her 20's. A huge part of serious relationships and marriage isnt spent swooning over your partners looks, it's making decisions together, spending time together, building a future together, etc. That's the shit that matters most.

Theres always going to be more attractive people out there, and that's just how it is going to be. My advice is to not string her along if you know you'll never get past this, but it seems petty to me.

It's not hard to understand what you've posted. You're not bad for what you are and aren't attracted to. It's also nice to know you want a girl to be mentally stimulating for you.

But, for her sake, my answer is that it wouldn't be fair on her for you to continue with someone because mentally she's your type, but not physically, especially the way you described your dislike for your ex's physicality. It's a bit sad for her to be around you all in love, adoring you, thinking she's special to you in every way, but you have these distasteful views about her.

It's also not fair on her to be with someone who does not one bit adore her for her looks, because you mentioned she's the OPPOSITE of your type.

That's why, my answer is; leave alone the girl who is perfect for you, mentally and is not physically your type. I'd say, for you, to make sure you're attracted to the girl, as well as somewhat mentally stimulated.

Female here, it’s rare for me to date a guy that I’m physically attracted to. I am an intelligent conversation whore. It’s such a turn on to meet a man who can stimulate me mentally, but if he can, that makes him sexy to me.

I can “hang out” with good looking dumb guy (not saying good looking guys are automatically dumb) but I could never date him.

Looks fade and at some point, your relationship will turn to friendship. It would be good if you could look past your “type”, but no one can be mad at you if you don’t.

I would suggest you relay your feelings to your ex. She may be hanging around in hopes the two of you will get back together. If that’s not your plan, be honest so that she can make an adult decision on whether or not she wants you in her life.

Hey, it's totally okay to not want to spend the rest of your life with someone you're not attracted to. I know people say it's all in the inside but it's quite a bit about the outside as well. You can tell a lot about a person based on their clothing style.

I feel like you not liking her clothing style it's just a reason you made up just for the sake of having a reason. I could be wrong because I don't really know you, and even if I did, it's not an easy thing to tell. To me, it feels like you're not attracted to her. Some people can be attracted to only the inside of a person, some only to the outside of a person and some both. You seem to be the latter. I'm not 100% sure though, no one except you can be.

It the intuition thing that's screaming at you. It's telling you that you have a marvelous friend here but you are missing some elements that are important to you. Doesn't make you or her bad. You need to take a break and explore before you make a commitment that you regret later.

You sound like me this time last year. Everyone has different experiences, but I tried for a second chance and didn't get it. That rejection led to me taking off the rose-colored lenses and seeing her without any positivity bias. Now I'm happy we didn't work out.

Have a similar problem too. I'm seeing someone who, personality-wise, is what I'm really in to. But physically not my type at all. (I get confuse sometimes about my feelings. But I'm sure I'll keep us as friends.)

You tried it out, didn't work and that's the way it is sometimes. Everything isn't meant to be and it sounds like you guys are just good friends, just leave it at that.

I get why you're into her, A good personality and enjoying spending time together is very important but to say that the physical part doesn't matter would be a lie. It might work out for a while but sooner or later it will become a problem. Ask yourself "Is this really the only girl in this world who's like this?" and you will probably find "No" to be your answer. No need to be desperate.

There's someone out there who's perfect for you, just gotta keep looking. Enjoy being single in the meantime.

It already sounds like you're at your answer. What's wrong with just being friends? Why feel guilty for not being attracted to someone, or be afraid of someone else taking her when odds are, if you're good friends, your friendship won't change by much, even if she marries someone else? If the thought of her time being taken up by someone else bothers you, then guess what? You like her as more than just friends.

You lack confidence in yourself and you're a bit insecure. You hold on to her and want her more than ever when you're feeling lonely, but most of the time you really enjoy her company and fuck her and everything else but want to be with her, because you no longer REALLY picture this person in your life. You're just not that into her.

I dated my girl for about a year, we broke up. It was the best thing to happen to me, only after that did I realize how weak of a person I was, how I gave a part of myself up to please someone else and for what? When I worked on myself I truly understood what my value was as a person. We are still friends, we hang out and occasional fuck each other, but we are single apart from one another. It's not picture perfect, but I have accepted the fact that she can date and meet someone long term while she thinks the same for me.

Together in a relationship we suck, as friends we support each other and enjoy hanging out. I hope she finds someone that loves her, and wants to give her everything she wants, and I hope I find someone that loves me and is able to fulfill my needs / wants.

You must be willing to make it clear what your intentions are, you can not control her time but instead allow her the option to keep a friendship open with you (if she chooses to)

Lastly, learn to invest in yourself brother. Take the time to learn who you are what you're all about outside of having someone that loves you and fucks you.

If mentally she is your perfect gf then you would already be in love with her personality and brain. If this was really the case you would love everything about her. Including how she looks. How many times do you hear of men saying their wives are the most beautiful women in this planet? Because they really believe it!

Your post tells me that either:
You don’t actually think mentally she is perfect
OR
You are letting how she dresses be more important than being a good companion

I had a long time on-again-off-again relationship with my best friend for about 7 years before we just stayed as best friends (known him for 16 years now come October). He and I really clicked and connected so well that we could read each other’s thoughts and emotions without saying a word, could sense struggles even from miles away. We’d see each other on a daily basis, stay over at each other’s home (mum even allowed him to sleep in the same single twin bed as me, that’s how much he was regarded as family), but when we couldn’t, we’d be on the phone for hours.

I couldn’t tell you what the hell we talked about, but all I knew then was that we belong together any way that we can be together even if it’s just as friends. He made me the happiest person in my life (also was patient enough to spend three years to bring me out of depression) until I met my husband. We are both married though obviously not to each other and are at the happiest points in our lives.

What I’m saying is, appreciate and be grateful for what you have with her. My best friend and I were scared the fuck out of pure minds equally of commitment and would date other people, but knew that we wanted to marry some day (LMAO on that one right now). Whatever works best for you both is what you should go with. Maybe have a talk with her about your thoughts, how you feel and ask her where she things what you two have will take you two to in the future? Please update, wishing you the best of luck!!

A pretty face gets boring after sometime if it isnt supported by a healthy emotional attraction. So if you think you can look past that now, you're set.

But. Its just something not nice about that set up. I wouldnt want to be with someone that doesnt find me physically attractive. I'd hate to know that my partner thought that way about me and it would hurt my self esteem really bad. It would be different if they were transparent with me about it. And I'd sure as hell exit that relationship, but maybe it others would react differently in that situation.

Sounds like you got yourself a best friend. Seriously. I have several friends who have amazing personalities, who I hang out with a lot, and who happen to be girls. I've dated two of them in the past, but it never worked because we just weren't attracted to each other like that. Doesn't stop me from wasting days away with them.

Cut if off. If she isn't someone you'd date because of how they look or even if they look exactly how you want but with no brains, then don't date them. If you're only with her for her personality but the whole time you're with her you're only thinking about how she's not physically the one, you'll be miserable and you're leading her on.

Attraction is a funny thing. A perfect (for you) personality can make a 5 into an 8, a good personality will leave a 5 as a 5,and a bad personality will make an 8 into a 2. My guess is that her personality was good not perfect or you probably would have decided that her flat ass was really cute, an asset if you will.

Some people are also perfect friends and not who you want to be dating. There is nothing wrong with this.

“Doesn’t have a nice butt” - what does this even mean? That she doesn’t have a huge bubble ass? And oh no she’s short.... idk man. I feel for you, I do, but your GF sounds kinda adorable and I feel bad for her. She deserves someone who thinks she is gorgeous and is obsessed with her looks.

The fact that you’ve even posted this here means to me probably that you should let her go so she can find someone to appreciate her physically, and I don’t believe you will ever do that.

Because while there are probably beautiful things to love about her, you’ve spent your relationship fixated on the fact that she isn’t your ideal type

I mean, if it's just her style - I really don't think its that big of a deal. It'd be different if you just straight up weren't attracted to her physically, but if it boils down to clothing, you should really get over it.

A renowned sexologist taught at my university and I took his course. His opinion is that there are 4 dimensions of attraction summed up in the acronym “PIES.”

It stands for Physical, Intellectual, Emotion, and Spiritual. Anyone we choose to be our partner will have a certain amount of attraction in each of these categories. He believed that you need a healthy balance in each. If you have a lot in one but none in the others, it probably won’t be fulfilling. He also believed that enough attraction in some of them can outweigh a deficiency in another.

It’s really up to you to decide what is most important to you and how they attract you in each of these ways.

I wasn’t attracted to my current boyfriend when I met him. Then we became good friends and suddenly he became the most attractive person I know. If their personality doesn’t make them attractive to you, they ain’t the one.

I wanna give you some practical advice. Go and sleep with a girl that is your type physically. I don’t mean be disrespectful and ghost a chick, but go have some mutually respectful fun and see how you feel. I think you will realize in bed it’s the emotional connection that really makes you sexually satisfied, and this may help you realize what you really want. Also, it may make you realize how physically imperfect the bodies of the women you see out on the street are. You may see a girl walking past you and think DAMN that’s a nice ass, but when you see her naked it’s not as perfect as your imagination led you to believe. I don’t mean to sound like an asshole, the point I’m actually trying to make is that your mind plays tricks on you into thinking the perfect piece of ass is out there, when in reality someone’s personality actually goes way further into making you sexually satisfied IMO.

Also... you may think you feel pain seeing other women you are more attracted to, but the horror of losing a true friend to your mind is something you might never get over.

If you truly feel that strongly about her phusicality that you cannot be with her then maybe befriending her is better idea since you've already tries dating. Don't worry friend there's a female around the corner that is perfect for you so no need to tie youraelf down.

There's a lot of comments saying that "the grass is always greener" mentality in dating is wrong, which it is, but that's clearly not the case here. You aren't attracted to this girl. You aren't heartbroken about the fact that you aren't dating anymore. It sounds more like you just want to be in a relationship than you want to be in a relationship with this particular girl.

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I'm sure she is very sweet and awesome, but if you aren't that into her it's not fair of you to lead her on. Let her find someone that is into her. And you go find someone that you are excited about dating.

You are NOT being superficial. In the end the ONLY thing that matters is that you are true to yourself. And if that means that her looks aren’t enough to stay with her forever, then get out now.

For 4 years, I went through the same torturous debate in my head between loving her personality but always longing to be with girls that are my type lookswise.

I tried multiple times to get out, using some reason that I just couldn’t date her etc. but deep down in the bottom of my heart, I just wasn’t 100% attracted to her. The sex was good usually and even great sometimes but it was never amazing like it was with girls I found to be hot/beautiful.

Don’t listen to people that say “beauty fades, personality doesn’t” blah blah blah. That’s all bullshit. And usually those people haven’t lived it. I have, and I can tell you, get out now.

It will suck for a long time, but trust me, watching yourself get older and having less opportunity to date beautiful young women while you’re stuck with someone you’re not even attracted to is something you’ll regret A LOT more than leaving a girl you weren’t 100% into to begin with.

Make the decision that will leave the least amount of poison in you that is regret.

sounds like commitment issues on your part. i would expect this to happen to you with nearly anyone you date. you are either interested in her or you are not. there isn't any such thing as half way when it comes to attraction. you are analyzing her as an object moreso than a person in my opinion.

it sounds more that your aren't looking for a meaningful relationship. if i were you i would plan a big day where the day is all about her. put some effort into thinking about her over yourself for an entire day, if it is rewarding and you enjoy taking care of her then maybe it will work out. if the entire time you are just thinking of yourself or overthinking her, than you should let her know you aren't right for her.

I’m the girl in this situation. You need to get away from her, for her sake. It’s incredibly painful to know that you’re their perfect girl but they don’t want you anyway because they’re not attracted to you. It tore me apart.

I think that if it bothers you enough to the point where you ask yourself wether or not to be with her, you should let her go. You will most likely find someone who matches your taste, both physically and emotionally. English is not my first language so I don’t know if it works in English, but in Hebrew we say “If there’s a doubt, there is no doubt,” meaning if you question something, the fact that you question it is enough to show you why it’s wrong.

You can be friends with someone and not be romantically in love with them. Platonically sure, but romance is really just the extra steps of intimacy, dating, having kids, etc. Spending a life with them as opposed to making an effort to be around them when you can.

Physical attraction is very important, but none of these things will matter when you're both 80 and wrinkling and grey. What matters is that you have a strong emotional connection with her that will outlast everything else.

For me, looks just aren't that important. It's way, way harder to find someone who clicks with me in every other way. I can't for the life of me imagine not dating a woman because of her clothing style unless she was wearing Nazi uniforms or something. On the list of things that matter, how a girl dresses is not on the list.

Same here.. I'm dating a girl who has a very different style in clothing than I do (apart from the gender difference of course).. she doesn't have "the perfect looks".. I told myself to let that go.. my idea of what she should look like.. and now I really love those imperfections.. they're the best thing about her..

I had a similar situation in the past when one of my best friends asked me out and we attempted a relationship. I absolutely adore her - but as a friend and just wasn't personally physically attracted enough to her (even though she is good looking, just not really my type) to make the relationship work.

Thankfully we ended it amicably and are still friends, but my advice is while it's worth giving a shot, I don't think a magic spell is going to happen where you're suddenly physically attracted to her lol, and it's better to gently end things sooner rather than later.

You will realize one day physical attraction fades pretty quickly. I’ve dated women that were absolutely gorgeous, and honestly I believed they were out of my league by far. I realized that it was more about my feelings, and putting value on what people thought about me. It made me feel good when people would make comments on how beautiful she was, and how lucky I was to even be on her presence.

Woman I married and had 2 kids was a former model, and drop dead gorgeous. One big problem is the fact we were just fundamentally different and the overall relationship ship was not good. Temporary ego boost was not enough to sustain a relationship. It ended in divorce, and a hard life lesson.

My current girlfriend is much shorter, doesn’t like to wear makeup, and it’s much simpler. I absolutely love spending time with her! There is no person I’d rather hang out with, we absolutely have an amazing time traveling the world and having a great time. I see very attractive women all the time, I live in Miami area. No matter how attractive they are, they have nothing on her, and give me no excitement whatsoever.

I really hope you will realize sooner than later how little importance has one finding a life partner, and the nice ass will not be there for you when things get rough.

The problem is she is quite literally the opposite of my type. This manifests in that she is quite short, doesn't have a nice butt and most of all I don't really like her clothing style. Bear in mind she is not unattractive, just not my type.

I'm not really left with the impression that you find her unattractive after reading this statement. That or you come off as really nitpicky.

As a final important piece of information, we dated for about a year but we've broken up for a few months now. It's weird because we still spend a lot of time together and that is not awkward at all.

Why did you date in the first place if you don't like how she looks?

What's the current situation between you? Did both of you mutually realize that you were better off as best friends rather than lovers? Is she trying to get you to date her again?

I feel her clothing style is more important because I refuse to force her to change anything about herself for my benefit, she is who she is and I have to accept her as that.

That doesn't justify not talking to her about it at all if that was really such a serious issue that you broke up over how she dresses.

You'll meet/see thousands of girls in your lifetime that are more attractive than your partner in your eyes. However, you may never find another girl who matches your personality so well. Looks are overrated, everyone will look worse with age. If you love the person then that feeling will matter far more in sexual attraction than their general appearance.

Don't marry someone unless you love her. Keep being friends with this girl, it might happen. It's happened to me. Don't force it just have fun being with her.
But, if you don't fall in love with her, don't marry her.

Do you have sex? Do you want to? Is it good sex? While relationship is not all about sex, it is somewhat important. Maybe your feelings are platonic and instead of having her as partner, have her as best friend?

By the sounds of it, she seems more like a friend than a lover. Friends are people you can get along and click with mentally, with lovers you need to have the physical attraction element too, otherwise it’s just friendship. I would let her go if I were you. Everyone deserves to have a partner who finds them as attractive as anything else.

Sounds like you have a great friend there. I have had a similar problem but at the end of the day i think i really do need to be somewhat attracted to the person i'm dating. Why screw up a great friendship if the only benefit will be sex with someone you don't find attractive? Just hang out and be great friends. The way i see it this will then only be a problem if she feels romantic about you. But Women seem to have a way easier time separating this kind of close friendship and romantic feelings than us guys, which might be your problem. Just enjoy an awesome purely platonic friendship man!! Those are rare AF anyway. It does not have to be more complicated.

Then just be friends with her. A person that you're not attracted to but enjoy hanging out with? That's called a friend. Her being a woman has nothing to do with it. For some reason guys get confused AF when they encounter a woman they don't want to fuck yet still talk to

I’m a female btw lol. Tbh if I was your girl and you thought this, I would want someone who didn’t settle. You’re settling, when you can have both looks and personality with someone else. You’re not superficial, you know what you want, go get it

I realize you probably think her personality will make up for it but as a matter of fact, in this day and age, it’s probably not enough for you - as you’ve basically already said.
There’s going to be someone who looks at her and thinks “damn this is my type, she’s hot, and she has an amazing personality?? I’m lucky” and that person is not you. Let her find that in someone else.

The same goes for you. You deserve to look at someone and think “wow this person is beautiful and her personality is amazing. I’m so lucky”. Nothing wrong with that.

If her personality was really all you needed you’d find her beautiful right now as she is. You would. But truth is her personality does quite cross that threshold for you and that’s the difference. That’s significant.

I’ve dated guys I KNEW weren’t attractive. Way less attractive than me by far (I was told that all the time and unfortunately... other people let my SO at the time know that too which messed with their confidence) but I thought their personalities were great (at the time) and that made me wildly attracted to them. That’s what you need to find if you’re going to sacrifice appearance for personality. A personality that really freaking shines. You’ll know when you find it too.

I would literally buy her clothes and every time she wears them, compliment her. Kanye west did that to kim. People might disagree- but if the main issue is her clothes, if she has strong feelings for you she probably wouldn't mind/doesn't realize how much it bothers you.