I have a secret. I have road rage. But a funny, offset of traditional road rage. 98% of the time, I hide it.

On the rare occasion, I’ll let you know I’m angry with you. But most of the time, I just yell at you from the safety of my own car.

Quite often, the rage comes out in sarasim and sounds like a Jimmy Fallon thank you note: No, old person from Michigan*, I don’t want to get to where I’m going. It’s not necessary for me to get to my appointment on time. Continue going 15 miles below the speed limit. Going 20 mph in a 35 is my favorite thing to do. I barely even have to apply gas to my car to get it to go.

*not prejudiced. This occurs often. Its experience.

I have to admit, going below the speed limit annoys me. Especially in residential areas, because 25 feels sooo much slower than 35.

Also, going above the speed limit annoys me. The Ohio Turnpike is rediculous; most drivers took the “raising the speed limit to 70” as meaning “let’s go 90”. And then I get sandwiched in the left lane inbetween a semi going 65 trying to pass another semi going 63 and the guy behind me thinks that it’s absolutely necessary for him to drive as fast as possible, which in this case means going however fast gets him attached to my bumper, making me super-uncomfortable.

And the people on the highways that like to suddenly cross all 4 lanes of traffic without looking or signaling because while they were going 90 mph, they forgot that their exit is right there. Or they just like to make sure they’re going maximum speed the entire time as to not lose a second (I’m looking at you 315 in Columbus)

And then there are the people at stop signs as I’m driving through the intersection that feel that the appropriate place to stop is with their rear bumper aligned with the stop sign, putting them in the intersection and me having a moment where my life flashes before me, convinced they’re not going to stop.

And finally, my favorite driver, the multi-tasker. I recently almost got rear-ended 3 different times by the same driver, who was yelling on her cell-phone, and then twisting around in her seat to yell at the kid in the backseat. Oh, and did I mention she was eating too?

So to sum things up: don’t go too slow; don’t go too fast; signal when you’re changing lanes; change lanes one at a time; stop with your front at the stop sign, not the rear; and pay attention to your driving. Then I’ll be forced to listen to talk radio to make my snarky comments while driving.

On second thought, keep doing what you’re doing. I have a feeling that Glenn Beck is going to cause some real road rage from me.