Apple Death Knell #64: Apple Must Deliver iWatch in 60 Days or Disappear

By Bryan Chaffin

Mar 21st, 2014 2:57 PM EDT

It is a somber time in the annals of Appledom, for in a mere 60 days the countdown to Apple's dissolution will have begun. Unless, that is, the company delivers an iWatch or something innovative within that time frame. Oh, crap. This was way back on Thursday, and today is Friday. So there are really only 59 days left.

What a bummer. Oh, well, it's good to know that we'll soon be able to put this whole Apple flash-in-a-pan thing behind us, right? It's been so stressful wondering how the world's most valuable company can make it from day to day, but we won't have to worry much longer because Trip Chowdhry of Global Equities Research is here to let us know how it is.

"They [Apple] only have 60 days left to either come up with something or they will disappear," Mr. Chowdhry told CNBC. "It will take years for Apple's $130 billion in cash to vanish, but it will become an irrelevant company ... it will become a zombie, if they don't come up with an iWatch."

That's right, folks. Apple has 60 59 days to release the iWatch, or poof! They're out of here. No ifs, ands, or buts, and no second chances, either, for those of you looking for some kind of hidey-hole way out of this mess. Nope. Apple is toast unless it delivers unto we, the masses, the iWatch in just under two months.

John Gruber reminded us that Mr. Chowdhry's prognostications include a 2009 bit where he tells us that the 3rd generation iPhone won't do as well as the previous iPhone because the Palm Pre is going to kick its iButt.

It's like he could see directly into the future, right?

More recently he called for Tim Cook's ouster as CEO of Apple because Mr. Cook isn't aggressive on delivering disruptive innovations. This week, though, he was ballsy enough to lay on the specifics, and I'll give him some credit for that. He could have weenied out and said that Apple had to ship the iWatch "Soon™" or "in the near future." Or maybe even "the first half of 2014," or better yet, "this year." But no, it's deliver the iWatch in 59 days or it's bye-bye birdie.

And I also have to admire the finality of his perceived consequences. Some analysts might have gone with something like, "If Apple doesn't deliver the iWatch before Google's Wear hits the market, the company will likely enter a phase where it is considered a me-too has-been. If that happens, Apple will take a revenue hit in subsequent quarters as its customer base flocks to Android. At that point, the only thing that could arrest Apple's slide would be its next chance at delivering another disruptive product."

That would have been laughable, but Trip Chowdhry was so much more specific. According to him, Apple will "disappear" and become an "irrelevant zombie." Bold, bold words from someone with a terrible track record.

Perversely, Mr. Chowdhry's pronouncement has me hoping Apple misses this 60 day window. If Apple does deliver the iWatch before Monday, May 19th, its miraculous survival will be within Mr. Chowdhry's escape parameters, giving him the chance to say "I told you this is what it would take."

In any event, I am enshrining this bit of drivel as entry #64 in the Apple Death Knell Counter, where it can live alongside the many other predictions of Apple's imminent demise.