Sunday, November 4, 2012

In My Head, In My He-e-e-ad...

What the heck is it with zombies? The world has gone zombie-mad lately.
They're on TV, they're in movies, they're in video games. Y'all can't
get enough of zombies, apparently. As for me, I find them abhorrent,
disgusting, vomit-inducing, and, most importantly, not entertaining. I
just don't get the appeal of shuffling hordes of mindless reanimated
corpses. Yuck. And yawn.

Perhaps that's why they're after me.

Now,
Meg, you might say, aren't you being a bit paranoid? Just last week you
thought vampires were coming to eat your babies and the week before you
were seeing armored knights around your bed about to attack you. Listen
up, gentle reader, you...have a point...but no, this time I'm serious.
The United Necromantic Dastardly and Evil Association of the Dead (The
U.N.D.E.A.D. for short) have launched a subtle media campaign across
several platforms to officially gross and freak me the eff out. Here's my evidence:

1.
Game of Thrones. Scratching your head? Here's the deal: the books are
just lousy with zombies. George R.R. calls them "wights", but, come on,
you ain't fooling nobody dude, they're cold, stupid, rotting zombies.
How is this relevant? Clearly the U.N.D.E.A.D. bribed George R.R. Martin
to write books so addictive in nature, so irresistible to a 30ish
decently-well-educated liberal female nerd such as myself that
aforementioned well-educated nerd would overlook the fact that there are
decaying limbs dropping all over them pages. Well played, zombies, well
played.

2. The Sims 3. Again, let me explain: in the most recent
expansion pack, Supernatural, zombies come out of the ground during a
full moon to eat your Sims' plants and attempt to attack them. After the
full moon is over, they're supposed to go away. My game, however,
encountered a bug which makes zombies spawn constantly. There are
dripping, green undead folks popping out of the ground around my Sims'
house 24/7. They have to run to their cars in the morning to avoid being
attacked by the shambling horde of grossness that follows them wherever
they go. Again, brilliant move by the U.N.D.E.A.D. who knew that the
depth of my Sims addiction was such that I'd play even in the midst of a
zombiepocalypse.

3. My friends. No, my friends haven't turned
into zombies...yet...but Dylan and I started playing an RPG with our
buddies Nolan and Cheryl over Google hangout and in person when we can.
Last night was our first game night and guess who the villains were?
Yep, zombies. Nolan called them "raveners", but I suspect that's only
because he's been paid off by the U.N.D.E.A.D. Et tu, Nolan?

4.
Their ringleader. That's right, I've discovered who runs the
U.N.D.E.A.D. Friday afternoon I was in the parking lot of Trader Joe's
(a good place to track me down, again they display their brilliance,
probably all those brains they've been eating) and a BMW drove up. In
the passenger seat was Steve Jobs. I swear to all that's (un)holy it was him. He
smiled at me, gave me elevator eyes and a wink and then the driver drove
on. Now, obviously, Steve Jobs was a pretty powerful and rich dude and
now he's dead. Thus, there can be only one conclusion: The reanimated
corpse of Steve Jobs is the leader of the U.N.D.E.A.D. and he traveled
to Tennessee to hit on me in the Trader Joe's parking lot. It seems
pretty obvious, right?

See? I told you they were after me. I can
only conclude that my brains are some sort of tasty zombie delicacy. The
brightness of early intelligence mixed with the intoxicating mushiness
common to the stay-at-home mom spiced with just a dash of mild insanity
for heat = zombie ambrosia. I guess I can't blame them. I mean, I am
tasty. But, Steve Jobs, you've already gotten me to pay an obscene
amount of money for a laptop. You are not getting my brains.

Privileged white female is my favorite pizza topping

P.S. Do you guys know how hard it is to find a picture of Steve Jobs eating? Had to resort to a clear Photoshop!

9 comments:

I am so over zombies. I bought Zombie Pride and Prejudice several years ago when it first came out and haven't read it, partly out of rebellion against this overblown fad. First it was the vampires, now zombies. I can't wait [sarcasm] what the world decides to be obsessed with next. Unless it's lawn gnomes I'm out.

I will say Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was very amusing - and I kept hearing about a movie being made that I would love to see for comedic purposes, but yeah, I don't get the Zombie popularity lately.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies made me want to cry. I couldn't pick it up...let alone read it. LOL. Anyways...I have a sick obsession with all things apocalypse--I fear it, yet I eat it up in my media. The zombie apocalypse notwithstanding...

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