My friend just messaged me telling me that her boyfriend admitted that he thought of someone else during sex.

Thing is, he thought of a fictional character. Not all the time or even often, but just once or twice, right after he played the video game she’s in.

Friend isn’t sure whether to be mad or not… she’s upset that it happened at all but is also going “well at least it’s not a real person.” (He says he’s never thought of a real person other than her, just the fictional character he likes.) In the end I don’t think this is going to be a dealbreaker/major issue, as she seemed pretty willing to talk it out with him provided he’s willing to… y’know… stop doing that.

I’m curious about opinions… Is it cheating to think of someone else during sex? Is it better or worse if the fantasy person is a fictional character? (Is a specific kind of fictional character bad? I feel like I’d be more upset about a movie character than a book character for some reason.) How bad would it be for you?

Seriously? I’m just baffled right now. I think partuners are entitled to their privacy which fantasies fall under. now we want to control someone’s very thoughts? How would she know if he he does it again, is she gonna quiz him every time they bonko? what in the blue helll?

.. Is it cheating to think of someone else during sex? No

Is it better or worse if the fantasy person is a fictional character? No

(Is a specific kind of fictional character bad? No

I feel like I’d be more upset about a movie character than a book character for some reason.) How bad would it be for you? no

I think if my SO were fantasizing about a specifc person (a real person, like his ex, for example) every time we had sex, that would be a kind of emotional cheating. But I don’t see a problem with the occasional fantasy, fictional character or otherwise.

If he told me he sometimes imagines I’m a video game character, I’d laugh and ask him if he wanted me to dress up as her for his birthday, lol.

@faeriehazel: Yeah, when I voted on my own poll (ha) I said it’s no big deal as long as it’s not like every time. I’d get pretty upset if he was imagining he was boning someone else every time or most times we got it on but occasionally doesn’t seem like a huge deal. And for some reason fictional characters seem so much more harmless than real people… maybe because he can’t possibly run away with a video game character…

@Bebealways: why did he even tell her? Did she ask? I think it’s kind of lame to fantasise about characters from a game, but I live a couple of doors down from people who are so obsessed with some game that it’s all they talk about – they’re so far removed from reality it’s not funny. They will have arguments in the driveway about losing a challenge.

Anyway, he shouldn’t have told her, and if she asked, she shouldn’t have.

@rosworms: I agree (with the first half of your post, lol). There’s a huge difference between fantasizing about some famous unobtainable person, and fantasizing about your co-worker that you see every day. I don’t really have any basis for this, but if my SO told me he was fantasizing about some famous actress while we were having sex once or twice, I wouldn’t be that upset about it. But if he told me he was fantasizing about one of his friends or someone he actually knows, I’d be pissed.

I’d be a little weirded out if FH told me he was fantasizing about a fictional character while we were doing it, but it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker unless it somehow became a problem (like if it was EVERY time).

If it was a real person, we would have an issue. Especially if it was someone he had a chance or a past with, and not Olivia Wilde or something.

Me: Absolutely not cheating. The brain is the only private sanctum a person has. What goes on in there is the owner’s own business. If my husband wants to fantasize that he is having sex with Ghengis Khan, so be it. I can’t tell him how to use his own mind.

Husband’s input: If you need to ask your friend if you should be mad… the answer is no.

To me, it isn’t cheating. It’s not all the time, the person isn’t real, and it’s a fantasy. If he was thinking about someone he knew (i.e. an ex) and was thinking about her every time, then I would consider it emotional cheating, or at the very least, he isn’t over that person.

I’ve never fantasized about anyone else while having sex with my husband. Even if I somehow found myself fantasizing about someone else while with my husband, I would stop myself and try and avoid thinking it in the future. My husband would do the same. We don’t think it’s healthy to be fanatszing about someone else during sex with your spouse. I wouldn’t go as far to say it’s cheating, but I wouldn’t say it’s right either.

I will agree with PP, there is definitely a difference between fantasizing about a celebrity than fantasizing about an ex or a coworker. The former at least fits in to the realm of “it’s just a fantasy” while the latter raises some questions. I know my DH would be very hurt if I fantasized about my ex boyfriend while having sex with him.

My husband and I are not one of those couples who thinks “harmless” fantasizing is healthy in a committed relationship. I know many would probably disagree with that. I think it’s up to your friend to figure out how she feels about it. This is not “right” or “wrong”, it’s got a lot of grey area.