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Topic: Not sure if someone is trying to set me up (Read 6105 times)

I can't tell if my friend is trying to set me up with someone (her ex). She mentions him frequently and has told me that she thinks we'd be compatible on numerous occasions. I've met the guy and I'm not at all interested. I'm pretty sure that she knows that, as she has acknowledged that she knows I'm not attracted to him and I've never reacted with any sort of enthusiasm when she brings him up. But she keeps bringing him up.

The question is this: Do I ask her directly if she's trying to set me up with him (or he's expressed some sort of interest), or do I wait and see if she tells me explicitly? I know there's danger in making assumptions, and I'm not sure there's a tactful way to explain that I'm not at all interested in someone who she used to date. However, I don't want to wind up in a situation where I'm put on the spot.

Thoughts?

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Maybe he comes up in conversation frequently because he was a big part of her life at one time. I bring up exes too, but only in the context of talking about some experience I've shared with that ex, or something he'd told me back then that was relevant to the conversation now. As in, "Oh yes, that restaurant, I went there with Dave one time and we had these amazing profiteroles there...." or "I remember Dave telling me once that he knew the guy who makes those widgets and he didn't recommend buying them because...."

But if you're finding your friend says, "Dave likes green widgets too" right after you've said you like green widgets, then perhaps you might be right. I can't see the harm in asking her if she is trying to set you up, and if she says yes, let her know you're not interested. Or if she says no, "Oh that's good, because I'm not interested."

I think that the next moment you feel that she's mentioning him gratuitously, you can say, "Friend, you keep mentioning him in this manner. I want to make it clear to you. I've met him. I'm not attracted to him. And when you keep bringing it up, it makes me really uncomfortable. I feel as if I have to defend myself from unwanted attention. From some guy who isn't even in the room. "So it's really unfair to him, and it's unfair to me. Please don't do it anymore."

You could also say: "Wow, Friend, you talk about Dave all the time. Are you okay? Are you having regrets abou your break-up? I'm concerned about you."

If she sputters and says "No... I thought you might find him interesting" then you can clarify there you are not, never will be, not now, not ever, no.

This. When I tell stories, I do not mention who I was with unless I want the other person to know who I was with for some reason. So, when I am telling my husband a story about scuba diving in Thailand, it goes like this: "I went scuba diving in Thailand a few years back - it was amazing!" When I am telling someone about my ex-husband (I can't think of when I have done this in recent years, but let's pretend for some reason I was talking about my ex-husband) the same story would be: "My ex-husband and I went to Thailand on our honeymoon. He is a scuba diving instructor and we went scuba diving there - it was amazing!"

My point is, there is no reason to mention the ex at all unless she is wanting to talk about him for her own reasons or wanting you to hear about him for some reason. Any story can be told without mentioning specific names or relationships, unless there is some reason a person wants another person known about.

I think that the next moment you feel that she's mentioning him gratuitously, you can say, "Friend, you keep mentioning him in this manner. I want to make it clear to you. I've met him. I'm not attracted to him. And when you keep bringing it up, it makes me really uncomfortable. I feel as if I have to defend myself from unwanted attention. From some guy who isn't even in the room. "So it's really unfair to him, and it's unfair to me. Please don't do it anymore."

POD

(but be prepared for the "Oh, I was just making conversation" reply.)

OP, I do think she's trying to set you up. Like you, I would find it annoying.

Could your friend still be hung up on her ex, and repeatedly mentioning him is her way of keeping him in her memory? I agree with Raintree that a lot depends on how she is talking about him. If she's saying things like "You like bananas? Dave likes them too! You have soooo much in common" then yeah, there's an issue.

I don't think you'd be rude in asking your friend if she's trying to set you up (and if she is, making it clear that you're absolutely not interested).

Also, I would turn down any invitations that might seem like a double date with her ex!