The Lorena Letters: an Internet scam exercise

Editor's Note: Do not try this at home. Do not be an idiot like Keith Sharon, the writer of this story. Do not willfully respond to Internet scammers who say they're from the Ivory Coast, or wherever, and have millions of dollars you can claim if you send personal and banking information. Do not make up strange untruths about yourself (especially when you are a 50-year-old, happily married, father of three with shoulders that have never been favorably compared to Adonis) and exchange emails with these scammers. Do not have fun on the Internet by making contact with people you don't know, especially when they just might be lying about the truckload of money that is now sitting in a bank and will be stolen by their evil uncles unless you act RIGHT NOW!

I met her in my email Inbox.

Her name is Lorena Benzel. She is from the city of Abidjan in the Ivory Coast. (I love places that need "the" in front of their name to sound right, like "the" Ohio State University.) From the start, she called me her "beloved." I don't think I have ever been called "beloved" by anyone. I like to think she will use an extra syllable if she ever whispers it to my face. "Belove-VED." You don't just throw around words like that unless you mean what you're saying.

She first contacted me via email at 4:38 a.m. on Oct. 1. Lorena, 52, explained that she is the widow of Fredrick Benzel of Switzerland and, before he died, Fredrick bequeathed "2.8 million US dollars" to her. She is searching for a "Godly person" to help her claim the money before her evil in-laws who are mad because she was never able to bear Fredrick a child.

I immediately thought: I am that person.

Now, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck (next time you see a turnip truck, send me an email) so I did a Google search for "Lorena Benzel." I don't want to go into business with just any Abidjanian widow without checking her out first.

It turns out that my beloved Lorena, along with suffering from advanced breast cancer, must also suffer from multiple personality disorder because she's got a few different web personas.

On one website, she is a 22-year-old teacher whose father was an African businessman in Ivory Coast. She is separated from her husband and she is "bisexual," but she needs "a good man in her life." On another website, my beloved Lorena, 22, is a 5-foot-3 student who lists her eating habits as "eggetarian." She speaks Oriya, an Indian language spoken mainly in Orissa, India.

Still another website says Lorena was born Feb. 20, making her a Pisces. She is 4-foot-8 with a "broad" build. She works in an accounting office and lists her eye color as "black."

Who wouldn't want to help this poor, confused, multidimensional woman?

Of course, if you're going to help one widow who is sitting on millions of U.S. dollars and wants to give some of her inheritance to you, why not try to help all the widows who have sent me unsolicited emails.

Here are the actual (excerpted) letters I received from Lorena and others and my responses:

Beloved

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ I am Mrs. Lorena Benzel, a 52 yrs. old widow to late Mr. Fredrick Benzel, from Switzerland. I am now a new Christian convert, suffering from long time cancer of the breast, and from all indication my conditions is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that I might not live up to 3 months, according to my doctors ...

My late husband was very wealthy and after his death, I inherited all his business and wealth. My late husband family intentions to allow me die in this condition because I do not have a child, that what pushed me to source for a Godly person abroad who will make this claim of 2.8 Million dollars which we deposited in a security firm here in the Bank ...

Your sister in Christ

Mrs. Lorena Benzel,

Dearest Lorena,

It is with great grief that I return your letter, and I hope it finds you before your final three months on this good earth. Your condition appears to be serious, my beloved. May your conversion of religion help shield you from pain.

I am Keith, from the sun-stroked region of Orange County. It is not like the television shows! I have been blessed to be on this earth for 29 years. I am of sound mind and my body is strong from years of working with my hands in the rocks and soil of God's land. My wife, Mrs. Filamina, was an agent for the president and she found 7.2 million in US dollars in a previously undiscovered room in the great White House.

Alas, my wife has left me and taken the four sons she bore me to live out their days in Aruba. The great wealth she found has followed her across the sea and away from me. I am left alone in Orange County, a common laborer with no love of which to speak.

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