Syndicated columnist and Elite Media Figure Connie Schultz presents us with an object lesson in how to cleverly avoid answering pointed questions from citizen-journalists who tell you that they have the goods on you. (Above. It is right there above. Did you not see it?)

But a couple of Tips to the best journalist of his (or her!) generation:

1) Make sure you spell your target’s name right.
2) Do not announce to your target that you are “doing an exposé” on them. Instead, use more subtle terminology, such as “We are investigating your corrupt practices for a hit piece that will destroy you and your ilk for all time. Thank you so much for your cooperation, and have a great day!”
3) Make use of reliable inside-journalism sources like Wikipedia or an Ouija board to do basic fact checking.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

Yes. And his minions are trying to put journalism into the same condition.

http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

Jinx!

http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

Breitbart's dead but he still has minions. In fact, my batshit sister is trying to sic one on me for asking my sister about her trip to Poland. Contacting my sister via the comments part of her blog once a quarter makes me a cyberstalker apparently.

va_real

Wow- I would not have pegged you for a cyberstalker. You just never can tell, huh?

If I were, would I need to change my user name to 'Tante'? Or maybe 'tant mieux', but ironically?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

tant pis.

va_real

Dommage!

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

Tante tainte

http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

Thank you to whoever just posted on my sister's blog and said the family feud was more interesting that the blog itself. I owe you a juicy kiss!

HistoriCat

3 hours and no one bothered with a "you know who else went to Poland" comment?

This is not the Wonkette I remember…

emmelemm

"Hello? Is this thing on?"

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

HAHAHAHA. Yes.

Biff

For which I give thanks daily.

worrytron

I would've strung him or her along for at least 3 more emails…… but that's why I'm just an internet troll and not a politician.

anniegetyerfun

Yes, she could have really gone to town on this one, with all kinds of denials and back-and-forths. And then once they published the piece and it was picked up by DOZENS of conservative blogs, someone could have pointed out the truth.

Seriously, now I'm just mad at her for taking away what would have been so much fun.

worrytron

I should give the Democrats a presentation on how to troll… the GOP has them beat hands down this year.

anniegetyerfun

It's a seriously crucial skill that so many liberals lack. Almost worth putting together a certificate program through the local university.

worrytron

"Trolling in the 21st Century: Get out from under your bridge and call someone Hitler. 3 credits."

Do you have a blog?
You should share some tricks of the trade!
Even non-trolls could learn something.
I mean it!

worrytron

Hah that's a really good idea. Though I'm just the padawan. I come from the world of video games, where trolling was perfected by battle-hardened 15 year old masters of the art. I'd be terrified to ask them to contribute………..

That being said, i'll let you know next time i get bored at work and head to CNN.com ;)

http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

Us olds are used to 15 year old masters for all things tech.
The gaming world is so foreign to me, that I had no idea that trolling took place there. (After using a Wii-Fit for a year, I had an "aha moment" when I realized it was also a game! Duh!)
Trolling is a wicked sub-set of snark, and I commend the intrepid souls that "take one for the team" to bring us info.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Speak for yourself, Demme.

Signed, Aged Techie, Veteran of the Alt.Flame Wars

http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

I'm surrounded.
I live in Silicon Valley, Mr. Fatale is a brilliant computer professional, and my daughters, (22 and 25), are both computer literate. (They were shocked that I knew what a "meme" was when we discussed it a few years ago.)
Even so, they feel like they can't keep up with the "cutting edge" in the techie universe.
I'm happy to defer to the smart-mouthed kids.
And some of, (well, most of), my friends are aged techies!

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

You KNOW I was only teasing you, right? I only pretend to be mean.

And, yeah, I threw out nearly a whole shelf full of tech stuff last week, because ya just can't keep up with this shit. Both my partners are also tech geeks, so conversation time in this house can be pretty damn interesting.

http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

Good for you!
I wish Mr. Fatale could bear to part with some of his stuff!
Notes from some APL conference in 1977 are useful? Really?

va_real

Some day they might be useful. Or of historical interest if you keep them long enough… My sweetheart is also a techie who hoards the outdated stuff, & these are the excuses I hear…

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

I think I finally got the hubster to throw out *some* of his college texts. Which is good, because they date back to the 1970s.

va_real

How on earth did you manage it? Sharing would be a public service, you realize…

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

We're *both* terrible packrats, as is our other partner, and we've *all* lost our parents over the past decade. Having to pack and dispose of 60-90 years' worth of shit gets tiresome pretty damn fast. So I sat him down and gave him the talk, and then made him the deal: I'll throw away one item for every one item he tosses. He's a wily little rat, tho. I have to keep a sharp eye on him.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

(Hides two large file boxes full of stuff)

I have no idea how these tech geeks can *stand* to be such PACK rats, honest. (shoves various papers under bed)

HistoriCat

Don't make me have to come over there!

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

I see nothing, NOTHING!!!

bobbert

APL was pretty cool.

http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

He worked with the guy who invented it.
I always thought "A Programming Language" was pretty funny.

HuddledMass

Fellow alt vet salutes you

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Heyo! (waves)

The Flame Wars of Usenet were legendary, indeed.

bobbert

Ah, memories of pre-Web newgroups.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

WARBLOG!!

va_real

From each according to his abilities…

worrytron

I guess i can take comfort in knowing that good trolling skills are becoming more important in politics.

Tundra Grifter

Agreed! She should have started off by begging them not to publish any photos and then just take off from there.

Biel_ze_Bubba

She really should have ended it at "he's so cute."
Or better yet, "I can't wait to get him into bed."

Then sit back and wait for the "exposé." With luck, it would make it all the way to the Faux News blowhards, and totally make Jon Stewart's day week.

But the book sculptures really got me, given my background in bookstores & libraries…

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Now, now, sweetie. This place fills a need for those of us who are here. You will do what you do when you decide to do it. You do plenty as it is. Beating yourself up does not make for great art.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Are you a paperfolder too?

Very nice, darls. Thanks.

didgen

Beautiful beyond words. Thank you for sharing it.

http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

Does Kenya issue marriage licenses?

flamingpdog

It better be the looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong-form marriage license!

sullivanst

Aren't they all long-form?

Except for Kim K's, of course.

SorosBot

So they're going to investigate all those journalists who attended John McCain's barbeques, right?

flamingpdog

Wait'll they find out who supplies the fetuses!

http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Fraudulently_Joe

Maybe while they're at it they could investigate the journalists that go on those right-wing swingers' cruises, or the ones that join the Kochs for their annual orgies in Vail.

Trannysurprise

Ghost Breitbart isn't nearly as slick as the undead one was.

http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

In all fairness, The Google is really hard and scary.

worrytron

And in unfairness .. isn't a ghost also undead?

va_real

Ghost Breitbart & Undead Breitbart are both in agreement that there are few things tormenting them in the afterlife that can compare to the wit of a literalist liberal..

worrytron

We prefer pedantic progressive, thankyouverymuch!

And i'm glad to know i can still get under reanimated Breitbart's waxy, rotting skin.

emmelemm

+1 for colorful imagery

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Uh … urp … BRB.

Biel_ze_Bubba

The ghost is just a ghost; the undead includes the rotting corpse, and therefore smells worse. Also, BRAINS!!!1!

Generation[redacted]

The Google is run by libtards!

rickmaci

Put another way, Dead Breitbart remains better than the living ones left behind.

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

Shame on her, socializing with her husband when she should be banging her editor. What's the point in being in journalism if you're not going to drink and screw around?

PubOption

Especially now that hacking into the e-mail accounts of murder victims and also bribing police for exclusive information, seem to be frowned upon.

Jus_Wonderin

Oh, this makes me grin. I haz a happy.

widestanceromance

Same here. I want to bear her many strong sons for that (which is impossible, but a guy can dream, right?).

sewollef

I just read this — on a Friday morning, the best day of the week!

Fucking hilarious! This has made my weekend all the sweeter….

RadioSlut

I would kiss Senator Brown full on the lips too.

Geminisunmars

I'd kiss him full on the hips, myself.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Woo. Girl? You just beggin' for sum TROUBLE. He's cute as all-get-out, fershure.

Geminisunmars

I'd be willing to entertain that kind of trouble.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

And I'll bet $10,000 you'd entertain it very well.

Geminisunmars

Well, I don't like to brag, but you could do quite well for yourself if the bet were taken.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

I was counting on that, since I don't *have* $10,000 to lose. You entertaining creature, you. (Hugs the Gem)

va_real

He is pretty cute, but I'd look out for that wife of his…

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

And all this time, I thought you were *straight.*

http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

Me too! But on teh wonkette, anything goes!

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Always pleased to find a Member of my various Tribes, me.

SorosBot

Though I kind of wish Schultz had added, "I have also fucked the man on numerous occasions".

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

The pundit in question would no doubt have printed the word "fuck" in some other context to make her look bad.

http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

In reply to my emails, Ms. Schultz states "[F]uck the man!"

SigDeFlyinMonky

I think the terminologies to be made current are: a) noun, carnal congress ; b) verb, swive. All presented in memory of Readers' Digest, "Toward More Colorful Language."

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Or she could go all Biblical on his ass, and just say "I have known him," waggling her eyebrows meaningfully.

va_real

Sadly, it's getting harder for the chattering classes to waggle- too much Botox…

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Connie looks delightfully Botox-free — although that could just be the effect of my aging peepers.

va_real

Yes, she looks fabulously waggle-ready & just fabulous in general. I just meant that in a general way…

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

True. But I didn't realise that till after I hit reply and wandered off, woolgathering.

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

Is that a knitting needle in your hand or are you just happy to see her?

Fare la Volpe

That would have been a lie — they're married, after all.

SorosBot

But presumably they were dating for awhile before.

Fare la Volpe

The Brown / Schultz clans are well known for their elaborate mating rituals, wherein the female ruffles her feathers at passing males, who take turns presenting her with pebbles from a nearby brook. The female selects the largest pebble, and lets the male into her nest long enough to fertilize the already laid eggs. Thereupon she expels him from the nest, leaving him no recourse but to run for US Senate.

It's really quite a beautiful process.

Jus_Wonderin

For some reason, I am thinking of "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom".

Veritas78

As opposed to the strategy employed by females of the McCain/Gingrich species, who lock onto their males' probosci during intercourse then proceed to eat them from the inside out. A great deal of peroxide is required beforehand, I've heard.

Biff

It's one of those skillz they retire once the cake is cut.

bibliotequetress

A liberal politician getting fucked is, sadly, not distictive.

Texan_Bulldog

So that's what Halperin's been up to lately…since I haven't seen his douchey mug on teevee lately.

http://wonkette.com/ weejee

Spouses sucking face? American morality is in free fall. Where are Newt and Bristol to light the most proper way. oh, yeah…

I_P

Whar marrig certifikit whar!!!11!!

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

How is babby fromed?

Billmatic

I think Shultz is a pretty cool guy, eh writes emales and doesn't afraid of anything

edgydrifter

Dear Ms. Schultz,

GET ON MY DILDO BOAT!!

Respectfully yours,
Crack Investigative Journalist Who Is Not At All James O'Keefe

ph7

Please don't tell Breitbart's widow that he was recently seen in the arms of Eva Braun.

http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

Normal liberal, getting the story wrong to make a Conservative look bad. In the arms of Braun, please. He was seen being hammered up the ass by Himmler.

IonaTrailer

and Eva Peron

Callyson

"Care to comment?"

"Yes, he has an enormous dick…jealous?"

coolhandnuke

She is one conning linguist.

spends2much

I love the last line from the genius blogger "care to comment?"- you can just see the self-satisfied smirk coming right off the screen, like this douchebag has Ms. Schultz just backed into a corner…

Then she hits him in the nuts, but with his own hand. It's quite beautiful.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Why are you *thwop* HITTING yourself? Why are you *thwop* HITTING yourself?

sullivanst

Damn you!

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Great minds think alike, sweetie. (Leers)

Either that, or small minds seldom differ. You pick.

Biff

Or in the words of the formerly alive breitbart: Behaaaaave yourself! Stop raping people!

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

That braying jackass is now braying the same exact thing to Biely, who delights in supervising the repeated and demonic pranging of his asshole.

Biel_ze_Bubba

Hardly worth my attention … that's what minions are for. Being pranged by mere minions is particularly painful for attention whores. So we do it.

sullivanst

Then she hits him in the nuts, but with his own hand.

Repeatedly. "Stop hitting yourself".

FidoMcCokefiend

I love the term "Elite Media".

Yet, I'm sure this dickhole will tell us how Ann Romney is the bee's knees for her dressage tax credits.

Hey, the last time I didn't reply with "Hitler," it turned out to be Hitler. I'm not takin' any chances.

sullivanst

Mandy Rice-Davis?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Does anyone even remember Christine Keeler and Mandy Rice-Davies any more? (Other than us, obvs. You must be as old as I am.)

flamingpdog

Elizabeth Ray? Fanne Fox?

SorosBot

Who?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

It was the first sex scandal to take down a powerful politician. Britain's John Profumo lost his political career over his dalliance with a high-end callgirl named Christine Keeler who was believed to be the mistress of a Soviet spy. His affair, his lies under oath, and Keeler's particulars brought down the British government of the day.

sullivanst

I'm only halfway old, but Joanne Whalley left quite an impression in Scandal when I saw it as a teen.

That, and my dad likes to repeat the common misquote of Mandy: "Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?"

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

I've never seen that. Clearly, I must.

I was a young'un when Profumo was brought down by this scandal. Interesting times.

But was the guy filming himself in a pimp outfit as he wrote that email. Because that just proves it.

UnholyMoses

These guys are to journalism what _____________ is to _________________.

I'll start: jumper cables/chocolate cake.

Crank_Tango

Farts/Cow patties?

http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

CNN/journalism

Callyson

FOX News / actual reality

Mittens / someone who should ever venture to sing in public

Michelle Bachmann / intelligence

Jus_Wonderin

The cold realization that you opened the wrong airlock / Sweet, sweet puppy breath

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Li'l puppies *do* have sweet breath, don't they? Kittens, too.

Then they turn into dogs and cats with fetid moufette-pourri breath, as one Chichikovovich might say.

Jus_Wonderin

So true. Call me cold but I never let my dog lick my face. And now, even when asked (teased, actually) she won't do it. She will lick other, but not me. I guess I taught her well, right?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Better than I taught *these* assholes, apparently. These guys think licking my nose is a great way to get me to feed them, preferably at 3 a.m. Their breath *stinks,* they have tongues like *sandpaper,* and — yeah, I guess it works, since the first thought that pops into my head when my nose is being reshaped at 3 am by cat tongue is, "I wonder if they just cleaned their butt?"

Unless they are very scaredy dogs, they usually react to that with a great big doggy grin, and more licking. Although one of ours just had a habit of looking guilty when ANYone yelled about ANYthing.

emmelemm

I just like yelling, "Too much tongue!!!"

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

I should try that on someone — but whom?

bobbert

Although one of ours just had a habit of looking guilty when ANYone yelled about ANYthing.

Mm, dog, right.

UW8316154

Either that or you just taste really bad.

UnholyMoses

Our newish Corgi (Pembroke variety) has the NASTIEST breath I've ever smelled. I mean, it's like he ate a pile of catshit with a side of rotting carcass. Hell, our Corgi/Basenji mix eat poop and doesn't have breath like that. (Our Whippet has no breath smell at all.)

As far as licking:
— Karma (the mix) isn't allowed to lick us for any reason.
— Kei (the Pembroke) only does when he wants to be petted — and it's
usually on the calf since he's so damn short (and ADORABLE).
— Zoey (the Whippet) gives kisses like the sweetheart she is.
— I (Unholy Moses) am encouraged to lick often, but only The Mrs.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

I should hope so, young man. If you started licking the dogs, the Mrs. might have *plenty* to say about it.

Eve8Apples

a teabagger/ competent government

rickmaci

Scalia is to judging

SigDeFlyinMonky

odalisque ; seraglio

Biel_ze_Bubba

Romney/job creating

ChernobylSoup

Dear Ms. Mitchell: We are doing an expose of journalists who socialize with Randian fuckups who used to chair the Fed. We realize you're married to this destroyer of civilizations and willfully blind douchebag, but would you care to comment?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Now, *that's* a letter I'd *like* to see.

widestanceromance

Surely they have not replied because

a) they are tracking down the secret love child she had with her husband
b) Obama droned 'em

Choose the wrong answer unless you want to get sent to a Hope Camp.

Dr_Zoidberg

Oh, snap!

PeaceWithHonor

And this was the "smart" wingnut.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Well, in all fairness — the smartest of the litter. Which don't say much for the rest of 'em.

Yeah, without the facial hair it's more obvious that the look is "holy shit, what is he doing and how do I make it stop?"

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

OMG, poor Riley!

http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

Oh, poor, poor Riley. he really took one for the team. I wonder how he is.

HistoriCat

Last we heard he was hiding out in Europe and indulging in Czech beer.

http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

Pilsner Urquell for all!

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

I've never hugged 'em. Never.

Rotundo_

Not so sure about that one, K-Lo probably has wrapped her bingo winged arms around the doughy pantload a time or two at office parties, I'm sure Pammycakes has been hugged really hard by all those horndog conservative types trying to see if the breasts are, indeed live or Memorex.

gullywompr

Gee, thanks for the imagery there, now I gotta double up on the Ambien tonight.

bobbert

Nikki Haley libel!

Tundra Grifter

You beat me to it! I was going with "Didn't they mean to send that email to Gov. Nikki Haley?"

Did you see how it looks like she is not going to get to give the keynote address at the Republican Convention? She sold her state's port of Savannah down the river for Charleston, South Carolina. In return, the story goes, she was going to get national press and ink.

Instead, she pulled the best "Col. Hogan" on "Col. Klink" I have seen in…years.

flamingpdog

Damn you – I even went to all the trouble of copying a picture of Sergeant Schulz off of Google images!

SorosBot

Hey, I was pleasantly surprised no one else made the reference before I did.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

I just want to point out that Connie Shmutz, like the liBRADT that she is (yeah, that's for you, 'BeccaLou, and those dolts at IncensedRebatez that keep trapping my perfectly innocent comments in that filter that's tighter than a Freshman Repuglycnut's asshole) and also too a FEMALE wily devious cnut-having person, TRAPPED that young journalist and brutally mocked him like a Feminazi. Which is what you females do to poor innocent men.

Billmatic

Yeah what's up with the weirdness, I posted "SOCIALISTS!" as a response to something and it needs approval from the editor, and i am disappoint

Billmatic

i keep getting something about site admins

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

I'd like to know who this site admin is. They need a refresher course on writing scripts.

Billmatic

I wanted to respond to "You know who socializes with government officials?" with "SOCIALISTS!!!!" because pun, but it won't let me.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Yeah, I put "socialist" in a comment yesterday and the site admin ate it.

Of course, I might have been talking about tirgonometry, or something, but it was innocent. Let's see if this gets et.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Welp, there ya go. It ate it.

To clarify, I responded to your post with the same magic word, and got that "your comment has been blabbety blabbety blah blah" bull.

va_real

Wow- my response was 'socialist butterflies' & it got sloughed off the Internetz in the same fashion. Why would this site of ALL sites, have a problem with that word? Actually, I've gotten that message many times lately, & there is no discernible pattern…

Billmatic

They all just popped up just now so now I look insane.

va_real

The (kinda) funny thing is that my response above about the site admin approval immediately also got the site admin approval message & didn't show up for long time…

Wait- you're posting on Wonkette & worried about looking insane? : >)

Billmatic

Hah! Right? Especially me, the guy who makes jokes about lizard people and shadow planets.

va_real

Those were jokes? OMG! So there ARE no lizard people or shadow planets?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Sometimes you people RLY worry me.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Mine too. Geez. We need to go over to ID and kick some butt.

Butch_Wagstaff

You could write for a MRM site.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

You talkin' to me? Huh? You talkin' to ME?

(So, um, what's MRM, dood?)

Butch_Wagstaff

MRM = Men's Rights Movement. Although I don't think you could match the vileness of the posts/comments on those sites.

http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

Oh, you love it.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

How well you know me! (Leers meaningfully)

http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

Oh Z, you're too funny. How are your aches and pains?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Much better, actually. It's amazing what a little REST can do.

sullivanst

Connie's relationship status is right there on facebook. Smoove move, conservatard.

http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

Worth noting that this was probably not sent to her thru Facebook, but most likely her business email, and then she posted it on Facebook, but, yeah, it's pretty open info anyway.

emmelemm

It's in the Wikipedias.

UW8316154

I'll bet the Google Machine has it, too.

Butch_Wagstaff

And I thought I could be lazy when it came to research.

EdFlintstone

Has World Net Daily offered this guy an editor's job yet?

StealthMuslin

"Ha! Bizarro Breitbart Pulitzer am mine! Boo-yah!"

http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

But when will zombie Breitbart and his legions follow up on the photo of Trent Lott and Mitch McConnell blowing Grover Norquist?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

At the *same time*? (boggles)

didgen

Ewwwwww

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Total Lemon Party, amirite?

http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

Well, Norquist is a giant dick.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Yes, but I don't think that means his *dick* is a giant dick, nowutimean?

http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

Oh, I"m pretty sure his actual apparatus is small and shriveled.

smitallica

Just proves what I've always said: Life is short. But "total asshole" never dies.

raffinemilligan

Fred Willard said this story is surprisingly easy to masturbate to.

Steverino247

Too soon!

SorosBot

That story shocked me – I mean, there are still porn theaters in this day and age? (Oh and what a fucking stupid thing for the police to care about).

GeorgiaBurning

Part of a "Life in the '80's" living history museum for the tourists, I guess. Too bad Aunt Peg isn't around anymore.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Fred Willard can masturbate to *any*thing.

LettucePrey

What I want to know is: If you're a cop, who do you have to piss off to get masturbatory patrol?

sullivanst

Or is it "who do you have to blow to get paid to watch porn"?

Geminisunmars

I hadn't heard about this and had to look it up. Oh, for fuck's sake. (The article I read said he was doing research for an in-production movie called "The Yank".)

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Yes, my partner has been laughing hysterically about that for the past X hours now.

http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

The yank?!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….

Fucking awesome.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Srsly, you can't make this shit up. Because The Universe will beat you to it FO SHO.

http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

I know. I love the weirdness of life sometimes.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Herb Caen used to run a column about strange names/professions, like the very not-estimable Dr. Andrew Carver, podiatric surgeon.

Geminisunmars

You don't suppose he set it up for the publicity, do you?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Ya THINK?

NAAAH. Even movie publicity hounds wouldn't stoop THAT low.

Would they?

Antispandex

"Oh, so you're married? So you don't deny fucking him either I guess? Answer the question, Ok? I guess we will just have to say you never denied that you were fucking him…how's that?"

Come here a minute

What do you expect with a columnist for the Cleveland Steamer?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Whatta dump.

Goonemeritus

It’s harder to document Republicans having down time because dungeon themed sex clubs discourage photography.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

And you would know this how, Goonemeritus?

Goonemeritus

A team building event at my last corporation.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

They hiring, by any chance?

Goonemeritus

Yes but only from Wharton Business School or GE unless you are on a technology track. I should point out that tech. track guys never get to have any corporate sponsored fun.

Oh, c'mon, Connie, out the little bugger! Was he from Breitbart's Home for Little Unemployables? Tucker Carlson's Island of Misfit Toys? The O'Keefe Skool of Jernalizms? CNN? Esquiring minds demand to know.

Steverino247

This could have gotten much more interesting:

"And his ears pop when I give him head, that's how hard I suck his cock."

"Yes, and he can thump my cervix from across the room."

OK, you next, dear Wonketteers!

OneYieldRegular

Two smackdowns in a single week. Michelle Bachmann should really give up journalism.

rickmaci

The problem with wingnutz is they only turn one way, you know, "righty tighty" ass.

GeorgiaBurning

"You know that, right?" should be a meme phrase

http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

Sherrod Brown *is* really cute, isn't he?

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

Yes. Dammit.

YouBetcha

This would have been much better if she had replied, "No comment. None of your business. Nothing to see here." Ten minutes later the "exposé" would have gone up on O'Keefe's website. Magic.

http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

"We are doing an expose on journalists in the elite media…"

I'm sure this is exactly how Mike Wallace would have approached Schultz.

barto

Funny how reality rarely works out in conservative blogger land.

flamingpdog

Snoop-y, meet Schultz.

KotBR

Connie also quit her job at the Cleveland Plain Dealer b/c she knew admitted she couldn't provide the paper with the type of impartial reporting the readership deserves. Oh, and because she's too good for that piece of junk rag. Again, things the wingnuts can't be bothered to look up.

Blunderthing

Yeah, but she's probably had sex with him for purposes other than Procreation which makes her a Liberal Whore who prolly wants Free Birth Control and to give blow jobs to illegal immigrants while gay married couples watch with Boy Scouts in the room.

ChessieNefercat

I can't see the details in the graphic, but I hope she copied it to every single journalist right, left and center in this country and some of the major international markets.

http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

Any guesses on who the "Conservative Blogger" was? I'm gonna say Steve Doocy.

savethispatient

Is this article proof that Wonkville Works?
I think more than one of us submitted that story, tbh, but not that Dewey got the traction!

http://www.indiegogo.com/revive-vlad Doktor Zoom

Sorry, Dewey (& others?), I found it elsewhere… but I will try to trawl Wonkville for content, really I will.

not that Dewey

Hey, thanks. I'm just happy to see Mrs Schultz's wit (and the Breitbart idiot's idiocy) get some wider coverage.

Wonkville seems to be a successful experiment. Several of the submissions have gone mainline, and among the ones that don't, there are many good reads and excellent headlines.

mavenmaven

Teabagger Journamalism. As valid as their economic theories.

Soylent Green

now THAT's ownage!

Soylent Green

I wish she'd have escalated it before letting the cat out of the bag. "I have no comment! No comment!! How much for the pictures?!!!"

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

It is beautiful. Rly, it is.

MozakiBlocks

The good Senator from Ohio is a lucky man.

http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

He sure is. She's a smart pretty lady. Woof.

Biel_ze_Bubba

Know what's best, best, best about this? That "exposé of media elites" can never be published, without exposing the identity of the fuckwit conservatard blogger.

Buckminster

Pwned also a legitimate internet meme?

Willardbot9000_V2.5

Hah! That was classic but I agree Mrs. Schultz lacks the killer instinct for a truly good troll. Had she maybe mentioned her mutually beneficial relationship with Sherrod Brown like "he gives me special favors in exchange for sex" followed by an innocent "does that clarify things for you?" would have sent this wingnut ablaze…she could have kept the poor winger going until Faux Nuuz was reporting 'shocking' allegations that Sherrod Brown is exchanging special favors for sex with her comment when asked what those are by Hannity: "he takes the garbage out, washes the car and dances around in his drawers" before adding, "we're married by the way, you know that, right?" which would have caused an internal hemmorage in his smug, stupid brain. Oh it would have been SO worth it…especially when House Republicans demanded to investigate these 'corrupt' dealings…

Robman2

Burning Andrew

Brightly lit

On Bill Maher

He acted twit

Like a rocket

With an arc

He seemed to flame

As lighted fart

http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

"An" Ouija board?? Oh, Doktor Zoom, Doktor Zoom, how are you pronouncing ouija? Because I always pronounce it just like wedgie but with a long e.

http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

All your 'c' are belong to us.

ttommyunger

Sadly, Conservatards are devoid of any sense of shame, so no lessons learned here.