Calling A Woman

Are You Man Enough To Actually Call A Woman?

I was at a party, and a friend of mine met a girl. It was standard house-party stuff — too hot and overcrowded, with bad snacks and warm beer. They chatted, laughed a bit, tried to talk over the loud music, had a few drinks. I dragged him out around 1 a.m. It was clear that they had totally clicked. As we were getting in to the cab, I asked him if he got her number. He said no, that he’d just track her down on Facebook.

The next day in a cloudy, post-party stupor, he creeped Facebook, found her, spent a solid 20 minutes writing and rewriting the wittiest message possible, pressed send and never heard from her again.

We live in complicated times. There are so many ways to communicate. From text messages to email to Facebook, the list just keeps growing. All these forms of communication are so new it’s hard to keep up with exactly what they each mean. The mode of communication can sometimes mean more than what we actually say, and can explain a lot about why someone might not reply. The idea that the medium is the message applies as much to flirting or friendship as it does to business and culture. The tools we use to communicate shape the nature of our communication as much, if not more, than the actual content.

Whether you’re asking someone out on a date or trying to get a business deal done, figuring out how to navigate this communications cobweb is key to sending the right message.

When we still lived in an analog world, we could craft a message as we saw fit, be it by choosing handwriting over typing, the subtle imprint of a kiss on a page or even a scented kerchief included with a note. The fact that you were writing a letter didn’t constrain the nature of the message.

But digital dialogue is sterile and uniform. One email to the next, no matter the context or intention, looks the same. It is shaped more by databases and designers who are trying to force our interactions into the little boxes of user interfaces and character counts. Each form of communication brings with it different constraints and contexts. With text messages, it’s character length and bad keyboards; with email, it's the corporate, formal appearance; and with Facebook, it’s chatty and impersonal.

The trend these days when you first meet someone and you want to follow up seems to be jumping right to Facebook without giving it a second thought. The idea of asking someone for someone’s number feels old-fashioned and unnecessary. This line of thinking is a big mistake. Facebook is convenient and easy; that’s both its strength and weakness.

When you send people a Facebook message, they view it alongside dozens of other notifications, messages, pokes and pics. It’s like talking to someone in a noisy restaurant. They are trying to pay attention but get distracted by all the action. Even before you get to the message part, Facebook is a weak way to communicate. The barrier to contacting someone through Facebook is low. All you need is a name; it requires little more than the most superficial of relationships, and this immediately puts your message in a certain context. You are now just like all the other guys taking the easy road.