John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

We have a lady in our grief support group whose mother died six years ago, and her brother, a year ago. She was still grieving for her mother when her brother’s death set her back some more. She’s under medication and her doctor tells her that healing from grief has no time frame. Does this make sense? She has been to other support groups but nothing seems to help

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

We have a different perspective than many other organizations, and certainly than most doctors.

The comment attributed to her doctor regarding a time frame, makes no mention of any actions—other than time—that would facilitate what might be called healing.

A doctor would be embarrassed if you suggested that time would heal a broken bone that was sticking out of a person’s leg, without that bone being set and put in a cast.

We’re not here to attack the medical profession or anyone else, but we need to insist that time, of itself, cannot heal an emotional wound any more than time could fix a flat tire—or a broken leg.

We don’t use the word healing. Rather, we suggest that people need to grieve and complete their relationship to the pain and unfinished emotional business that accrues in all relationships.

We also don’t believe that time is what facilitates completion. It is actions taken within time that help grievers become emotionally complete.

The actions of completion are outlined in The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in libraries and bookstores], which carries this subtitle, The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce and Other Losses, including Health Career and Faith.

One more thing. The medications she’s on might be tamping down some of her pain, but may make it difficult for her to access her emotions. Even so, we’d recommend that you get her a copy of the Handbook.