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Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Domestic Abuse and Homophobia

There are things I think we need to change to make it
easier for GBLTQ people to feel they can seek help in the first place which is
as important as broadcasting the help that is out there.

I'm putting the rest of this under a cut (damn you html, why do you hate
meeeee?!) but I have avoided detailed or graphic description simply
because I'm not comfortable with doing so myself.

We need to acknowledge that abuse and rape against GBLTQ people
happens. We need to banish the idea that a woman can’t possible abuse another
woman or a man another man. We need to throw out the idea that domestic abuse
case between a same-sex couple isn’t just a fight or an argument or a common
assault. We need to banish the idea that a woman cannot rape another woman or
that a gay man always wants sex so can’t possibly be raped. Domestic abuse
happens in same-sex households and it is just as severe and just as wrong as
when it happens in opposite sex households.

It’s not just assault. It’s not just an argument. It’s
certainly not just sex. It deserves attention and it deserves to be treated
every bit as severely as it is.

We also need to ditch the homophobic blaming. Yes
domestic abuse happens in same-sex relationships – but it isn’t happening
BECAUSE the relationship is same-sex. We still live in a society that
constantly demonises same-sex relationships. You can pick up a major national
newspaper and easily see columnists and news stories blaming everything from
child-abuse to premature death on being gay. Same-sex relationships are still
seen as perverse, wrong and even evil.For me, these were major factors in making me tolerate abuse – because I
was told repeatedly that I couldn’t expect better and it was my fault for being
gay.

Our society has extremely strong messages that GBLTQ
relationships are less than straight ones. After all, the whole reason we can’t
get married is based on that very premise! It’s a premise that is supported by
law, that is supported by major religions and that we can find pushed in our
media time after time after time. Our relationships are less.

And we’re repeatedly told that we’re predators. How many
times is the spectre of the GBLTQ sex predation used to justify attacks or
exclusion? That we’re after the children? That kids need to be protected from
us? How often are our relationships compared to paedophilia? It’s hardly an
uncommon meme! You can hardly talk about anything about us without these slurs
being raised at some point, it’s inevitable.

We have an overwhelming message that GBLTQ relationships
are sick, wrong, perverse, predatory and abusive. Which, for me as a gay man,
meant I got the message that abuse was normal and an inherent part of a gay
relationship.

Related to that, we need to combat the whole idea of
GBLTQ person as sex predator so we can talk about abuse without giving
ammunition to the homophobes and their supporters who are constantly attacking
us. Part of my discomfort of writing these post is that these are things I am
deeply uncomfortable talking about with anyone other than GBQ men.
Anything I say, I feel, can and will be used against us – every time we talk about
domestic abuse or rape will then be turned round to attack gay people as a
whole. I’ve
said before about the pressure of having to have an utterly perfect
relationship – and this applies tenfold here. I feel I can’t talk about a
being abused without someone deciding to make that a sweeping statement about
the gay community. I can’t talk about domestic abuse, or being preyed upon
while vulnerable, without someone deciding that this applies to gay men as a
whole, or is part of how gay men live or what we as a gay male community done.

This isn’t an isolated thing – nor is it even just a
thing of the religious right. This slurring all of us at the slightest excuse
is so common and is one of the building blocks of the dehumanisation that leads
to hate crimes. How many times is this used as an excuse to deny us rights and
protections? How many times is it used as an excuse for the hate crimes we face
(it’s the basis for the entire gay panic defence after all). Every time this is
perpetuated, more of our blood is spilled.

And people who are like I was, who can’t even recognise a situation is abusive
because of all the homophobes and bigots who have drilled into me that abuse is
all I can expect for being a gay man, don’t get out. The message is “what do
you expect? This is what you get for being gay!” The message is “you don’t get
better, you don’t deserve better. This is who and what you are for being gay.”
The message is that this is part of being gay, part of gay life, part of gay
culture, part of living your life as a gay man. Not that you’re with an abusive
arsehole. Not that there are predators everywhere. Not that you’re worthy of
love, that you can find respect and kindness and equality. No, because this is
an inherent gay thing.

Attacking all gay men, making gross sweeping statements
about GBLTQ sex predators in general (because I think something similar happens
in other letters in the umbrella, but this is what I know from my own
experience) or somehow deciding that being a sex predator is part of “gay
culture”made me – and continues to make
me – leery about speaking out. I don’t want to hand a club to my enemies. I
don’t want to talk about something that cuts to the core of my vulnerability
and have people then use that to hit me with.

It’s not a miracle cure by any stretch – but for me and
many young people like me – part of the path out of abuse means recognising our
own value. And that means combatting homophobia – the societal homophobia that
constantly tells us that we are sick, perverse and diseased; the messages that
says our relationships are inherently lesser and prone to abusive and predation;
all the bigotry that makes us normalise and accept abuse.

We need to learn we deserve better. We need to learn we
can have better. We need to learn that abuseand predation and rape are not just things that go with being gay, they
are not things we have to tolerate. And to do that we need to combat homophobia
as well – for people to get out they need to know there is an out to go to and
that their lives are not standard.

Probably even less coherent than the last one. But they’re
finally out of my draft’s folder now I’ve been spurred into finally finishing
it.