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Friday, March 27, 2009

Role models can influence our lives

Role models can influence our lives

In the present-day society, a lot of successful people were seen as other’s model. These people learned a lot of knowledge by studying their models. Some of these people got the same achievement or even more than their model by studying them. It is wildly acknowledged that, role models can influence our lives.

“I am going to create my own band one day.” I said when I was only 6 years old. I was always watched the TV show called Much Music at that time and I was attracted by the band called Eagles. Till now, I made this dream come true. I created a rock band 5 month ago and I play the guitar. The band is working smoothly and we are going to give a performance on the graduation ceremony. The Eagles gave me the passion to learn guitar, and the Eagles gave me a chance to study guitar. I started learning guitar by watching their performance everyday and learned the way they played it. Even now, I still learn their poses on the stage to make me look better on the performance day. I do not know how long is Eagles going to influence me yet, but what I am sure is as my model, Eagles influence my daily life and make me know another important skill.

Not only the Rock Stars can be people’s model and influence our lives, normal people can also do that. In China 90 century, a person who always helped others when they had troubles and never left his name was wildly studied by the Chinese people. His name was LeiFeng. At that time every Chinese people learned to help people and the society maintain a harmonious situation. LeiFeng died in a car accident but this did not stop people from learning him. Oppositely, more and more people started to learn his behaviors. As we can see, LeiFeng not only influenced a person but also influenced the whole entire society, and the influence did not even disappear after his death.

Although people have their models, that does not mean they can get influenced by his model for their entire life. They also need to work hard to study their models. Just like what Lenovo’s CEO said: “find a model and try your best to study the model’s everything, if you work hard enough you will get succeed and that is going to influence your entire life.”

4 comments:

I see you are trying for an expository format. Don't forget guide the readers through transition signals and transitions leading into the next paragraphs.

For example, in paragraph two, you started with "I am going to ...".

This is an awkward jump from the last sentence of your introduction (a good thesis statement) to a narrative?

To make it smoother, you can write:"When I was only six years old, I promised myself, 'I am going to create my own band one day!' I was always watching....."

Your transitions in your next two paragraphs are great! "Not only..." "Although..."

I see that you are using higher vocabulary... but make sure you know:the difference between "wildly acknowledged" and "widely acknowledged"...the difference between "the 90s" and the "90th century" ... (we are currently in the 21st century)...

Finally, using quotes from well-known authorities such as the CEO of Lenovo - this is a nice touch. Although I don't think your quotes need to be true, the CEOs should not have grammar mistakes when talking. They should also be a bit more formal - so avoid using words such as everything, something, nothing, anything!

Personal Opinion:Although giving several points is effective to support an argument, to make this a stronger essay, I would suggest focusing on just one way a "role model" can influence lives. I like your first example, how you wanted a band. Since you already described how that has inspired you, if you focused on what that made you do, what problems you had to overcome, and how you are still trying to achieve this goal because of the role models, then that might be more powerful?