Global Moistening

A leaked report commissioned for the International Prog Rock Earth
Congress (IPREC) reveals the alarming fact that our planet is almost three percent damper
than it was twenty years ago. This might not seem like a significant statistic, but
if the trend continues then in the course of our own lifetimes we might very well see the
major land masses of our planet becoming so squishy that it will be impossible to build
anything and everyone will have to go around in flippers.

These findings are the result of work carried out by Dr Robert
Fripp, noted biochemist, geologist and lead singer with seventies legends King Crimson.
Using a specially developed technique known as 'jabbing sticks into the ground at random'
Dr Fripp was able to demonstrate that the earth beneath our feet is now considerably
wetter than it ought to be. Having examined the data at some length, a panel of
experts has now concluded that this is a bad thing and has officially classified the
phenomenon as 'worrying'.

This, of course, is not the first time that IPREC has stepped
forward with proclamations of gloom and doom. The Congress was first set up in 1981
by a consortium comprising some of the most influential progressive rock musicians in the
industry. It meets twice a year - at a specially built underground conference
facility on an unnamed atoll in the Indian Ocean - to discuss possible threats to the
planet. They first hit the headlines in 1984 when Jon Anderson of Yes announced
that the world was about to be hit by a giant meatball from space, a visitation that he
claimed would either be mankind's nemesis or his salvation - resulting in either
widespread devastation or a valuable source of food for the starving millions. In
the end the meatball missed the Earth by several million miles, but although the
meatstrike did not actually take place there were still reports of showers of faggots in
parts of Nairobi and the Middle East.

Jon Anderson

"A meatball the like of which has never been seen before."

It wasn't until 1996 that IPREC once more came to the attention of
the media. This time it was the turn of former Genesis front man Peter Gabriel to
spread the bad news - he announced that over the coming years there was a very real threat
of there not being enough coffee mugs to go round. He had first become aware of the
problem whilst working in his studio, sampling some of the native sounds of the indigenous
people of Finland, or Iceland, or somewhere. He noticed that every time he felt like
a cup of coffee he could never find a clean mug. Gabriel decided to monitor this problem
and over the ensuing weeks he made careful note of mug availability in his studio.
At the end of this period he produced a number of graphs and bar charts, using different
coloured crayons, and was able to forecast that by the year 2020 the population of Earth
would outstrip the number of available mugs by a factor of about thirty to one.
Worried that this shortage would contribute to the spread of disease by forcing people to
share drinking vessels, Gabriel began a vigorous campaign to persuade governments to
divert some of their defence budgets into the manufacture and stockpiling of mugs.
His 'make cups, not war' campaign enjoyed a brief burst of publicity, but quickly slipped
from public awareness despite the moderate success of a charity single.

Peter Gabriel

"I'm serious here. I can't find a mug anywhere."

Which brings us to the current crisis. IPREC has treated the
possibility of global moistening very seriously, and has asked the band Jethro Tull to
look into the possible repercussions. Their initial findings indicate that it will
radically influence almost every walk of life - from transport, architecture and industry,
to leisure, fashion and the arts. In fact, it will affect everything except table
tennis. They've looked into it very carefully, and they've been forced to conclude
that table tennis can continue more or less as normal.

However,
by far the most devastating effect will be on agriculture. Jethro Tull predict that
increased dampness will make the growing of many crops impossible and force a shift to
rice, which thrives in wet conditions. The consequences for livestock will be even
more severe. Smaller animals such as chickens may not experience much of a problem at
first, and ducks will obviously suffer no ill effects at all, but a soggier planet will
mean that heavier animals, such as pigs, cows and some of the heftier sheep will rapidly
sink into the encroaching mire and be dragged below the surface. Some short term
measures have been proposed, including equipping cows with waders and snorkels, but
eventually specially made diving suits will be necessary. This will undoubtedly
prove impractical, especially at milking time. The only real solution is to breed
aquatic versions of these animals. Sadly, although advances in genetic manipulation
are being made all the time, the day when we can successfully cross a haddock with a pig
are still some way off. Having said that, scientists in Edinburgh have recently
managed to successfully fit an outboard motor to a lamb chop. At the time the
experiment was considered a frivolous waste of time and resources, but in light of the
current global moistening scare the true value of their work can now be seen.

Jethro Tull

"We have to face the harsh realities - fat cows are going to be in it up to their necks."

But can anything be done to reverse the effects of global
moistening? Well, it's no good asking me. For the answer to that question we
need to turn to the good people of Hawkwind, who have been charged with the awesome task
of preventing this catastrophe. Realising that they could not possibly handle such
an important assignment alone, they enlisted the help of Professor Jez Moonbeam, who
agreed to assist them in return for being made an honorary member of the band.

Professor Moonbeam decided that before they could fully understand the problem,
they should first establish which parts of the planet were the worst affected.
He and the band set about examining all the geological and meteorological
information they could get hold of in order to identify which areas were damper than
others. Japan, Indonesia and Malaysia all registered very high levels of ground
water, as did a number of South American countries. However, for some as yet unknown
reason, the wettest place on the planet turned out to be a three foot stretch of road just
outside the main post office in Sutton Coldfield. It was so wet, in fact, that OAPs
calling to pick up their pensions were regularly harassed by passing salmon.

Hawkwind

"Yeah, well, we're happy to go along with whatever Moonbeam says."

Interestingly, it's not just in Sutton Coldfield that the fish are
getting more militant. There's been trouble in parts of Wolverhampton as well.
This has led some observers to the conclusion that fish are orchestrating the whole
dampening process. The main proponent of this theory is keen angler and part time
cockney drummer Phil Collins, who has voiced his fears of a future in which fish are the
master race. He envisages, in his words, a 'wet planet, like in that Kevin Costner
film, where man is nothing but a slave to the Fish Lords'. Phil seriously believes
that there will come a time when human beings will be born solely to serve their piscine
masters, made to toil day and night, building little castles for them to swim through and
novelty signs that read 'No Fishing'. But it's not too late. According to
Phil, we must eradicate the fish to preserve our future; we must hoist them from the seas,
from the rivers, from the oceans and slap them silly until they can take no more.

Last month he organised a march on the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs to
demand that they post machine gun nests at the mouth of every river and equip trawlers with depth charges. The fact that the only other person who turned
up for his protest was a forty-eight year old car park attendant who came dressed as a
chocolate Hob Nob only served to illustrate the lack of regard that is generally felt for
Mr Collins' theory.

Professor Moonbeam has certainly ruled out
the possibility. He has gone on record as saying that no one in their right mind
could possibly believe that fish are responsible for global moistening. Crabs, yes -
those crafty bastards have had it in for us for a long time. But fish, no - the
slimy little bleeders just haven't got the nerve.

So where is all this water coming from? IPREC's president for life,
Rick Wakeman, favours the idea that someone, somewhere, has left a bath running, but
initial tests of groundwater samples have revealed no traces of bubble bath.
Meanwhile, the guys from Marillion have suggested that global moistening is caused by 'the
baby Jesus spitting'. Emerson, Lake and Palmer firmly believe that Antarctica is melting,
due to erosion caused by the increasing number of penguins who are taking up snowboarding.
And Gong have advanced the idea that the Earth is simply retaining water 'like a big fatty'.

Rick Wakeman

"I keep thinking it's Tuesday."

Each of these ideas has its supporters, but until Professor
Moonbeam and Hawkwind make their presentation to IPREC's next meeting in September, it's
still only guesswork. But one thing is certain - the Earth is undoubtedly
getting wetter and if the situation is not remedied it will become irreversibly
waterlogged. Analysts predict that this will make it sluggish - enough
to alter its orbit around the sun and ultimately
cause it to stick to the side of the moon like a piece of wet tissue paper.
Something clearly has to be done.