Politics

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2.

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

CEDAR PLAINS, PA—After years of delays and mounting criticism from voters and political pundits, President Barack Obama finally followed through on a campaign promise he made in 2008 to spend one night alone in the abandoned Cedar Plains Family Fun amusement park, sources confirmed Wednesday.

ST. PAUL, MN—Wondering how anyone could read the articles in such publications and not recognize them as “total establishment propaganda,” local man Mark Furlong, a longtime reader of Lib-Slaves.info, told reporters Monday he was sick and tired of the obvious mainstream biases on news sites like WideAwakePatriot.com.

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

LOS ANGELES—Citing statistics that showed a sharp decline in the number of pageviews and unique users over the past week, media industry observers noted Thursday that traffic to Breitbart.com, the right-wing current affairs and opinion website, has continued to fall as more readers begin getting their news analysis from graffiti scrawled throughout their neighborhoods.

ASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize December as Dokken History Month.

WASHINGTON—Saying the new effort would help them make critical inroads with low-income rural voters following a stunning election loss last week, the Democratic National Committee announced the launch of a new Hamilton-inspired web series Tuesday starring Lena Dunham intended to connect with working-class Americans and address their most pressing concerns.

NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his tattered prison-issued jumpsuit, a gaunt, weathered Secretary of State John Kerry led an inmate uprising Tuesday in a remote Siberian labor camp, sources confirmed.

DENVER—Growing increasingly unsettled at the president-elect’s choice of advisors and the prospect of life under a Donald Trump administration, local resident Paul Austin told reporters Monday he was at the point where the thought of Reince Priebus controlling the White House was actually fairly comforting.

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

NEW YORK—Declaring that they would work tirelessly to hold both figures to account, the nation’s media outlets pledged Thursday that they would not relent in providing evenhanded criticism of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton over the next four years.

ITHACA, NY—In the hours since the Republican nominee’s stunning election to the nation’s highest office Tuesday night, reports have confirmed that, regardless of circumstance, it is not even remotely close to okay to act like Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they felt completely depleted after spending the past 36 hours contemplating a Donald Trump presidency, Americans across the country admitted Thursday they were unsure whether they would have enough revulsion and horror left in them to agonize over his forthcoming cabinet and court appointments.

End Of Section

More News

Secretary Of State Returns From 'Fucking Incredible' Diplomatic Trip To Ireland

WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of State Madeleine Albright returned to the U.S. Monday following a four-day diplomatic visit to Ireland she categorized as "fucking incredible."

Secretary of State Albright deplanes at Washington's Dulles International
Airport following a "totally amazing" diplomatic visit to the
Emerald Isle.

"I had the most amazing time in Ireland," said Albright, who was there to meet with Prime Minister Bertie Ahern regarding a possible amendment to 1998's Good Friday Accord that would give the Republic a greater voice in Northern Irish affairs. "Everywhere you go, there are these terrific little local pubs and quaint cottages and really old, narrow cobblestone streets. I swear, it feels like you're in a movie."

Albright described her talks with Ahern as "extremely productive" and her day trip to Carrick-on-Suir in County Tipperary as "so incredibly cool."

"There's this castle there that's like 800 years old, and it's actually got a moat surrounding it," Albright said. "You sure don't find stuff like that back in the U.S."

Albright and Ahern also discussed trade between the two nations. Though many U.S. economists regard the European Union as a potential threat to American prosperity, and concern has been voiced over restrictions Ireland has placed on certain imports, Albright stressed that the Republic continues to be an excellent target for U.S. investment and consumer dollars.

"I bought this gorgeous handmade Aran fisherman's sweater at Blarney Woolen Mills in Kilkenny for a fraction of what I would've paid back in the States," Albright said. "If you want to save some serious coin, people, shop for Irish stuff in Ireland."

Albright also spent half a day meeting with Protestant and Catholic leaders in Northern Ireland. After laying a commemorative wreath in the town square of Omagh—site of the IRA bomb attack that killed 29 people last summer—the Secretary of State drove a rented Mini to the famed Giants' Causeway, a long shoreline of perfectly symmetrical, hexagonal volcanic rocks she said "weirded me out completely."

The visit to the Causeway was nearly ruined by an unexpected crisis, but Albright was able to broker an 11th-hour deal to save the situation. "I really wanted a picture of me at the Causeway, but stupid me left the camera at the hotel. Fortunately, this London Times guy happened to be there covering my visit. He promised he'd send me doubles of some of his shots if I mailed him a bunch of Butterfingers, which I guess you can't get in England. I was like, 'Definitely!'"

Before leaving the North, Albright met with Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams, who invited her for a pint at a "too cool" little pub in Belfast. According to Albright, the pub was owned and run by a heavy-set, chain-smoking, 68-year-old woman named Molly who "didn't take crap from anybody. I loved her to death. The whole time, I was like, 'You go, girl!' I won't forget her any time soon, that's for sure."

Albright poses in a "really cool" graveyard at the ancient
Glendalough Monastery south of Dublin.

Albright concluded her visit with an address before the Oireachtas, the Irish parliament. In the speech, Albright pledged the U.S.'s full support in the ongoing Northern Irish peace process and expressed pride over "the deep and lasting friendship between our two nations." The speech concluded at 1 p.m., leaving the Secretary of State several hours to explore Dublin before having to catch a flight back to Washington.

"Dublin is so amazingly cool—me and [Irish president] Mary [McAleese] went shopping on Grafton Street, and we saw the Ha'penny Bridge and the mummified bog guy at the National Museum, which was seriously freaky," Albright said. "Then, at like 4 o'clock, we started getting hungry and we were kind of tired from all the walking, so we stopped at this café near Trinity College, where we met these two guys from Australia, John and Tony, who go to the University of Melbourne. They were really cool, especially Tony. Hopefully, if there's ever a diplomatic crisis in Australia, I'll get a chance to visit them."

Albright said she will return to Ireland in January 2000, when she is slated to be a featured guest at a symposium on Ireland's place in the world stage during the next millennium. During the 2000 visit, she said she hopes to continue to foster peaceful relations between Catholics and Protestants in the North, as well as take a side excursion to Amsterdam with her Eurail pass.

"Though great progress has been made by your people, there is still much work to be done," Albright told members of parliament. "Terrorism continues to rear its ugly head. Unemployment is rampant. And the monastery at Carrickmacross is nearly impossible to get to unless you rent a car in Mullagh, which is, like, 20 miles away."

"But despite these considerable challenges," Albright continued, "I wish to stress that I had a completely amazing time here and cannot wait to come back. And, hey, Ulster Unionist leader David Trimble, don't think I'm going to forget your promise to show me a wild time in Ballygowan, you crazy bastard!"