John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

“Getting past” and “getting over” imply forgetting. You will never forget the important people who affected your life. (Published 3/18/2014)

Q:

How do I get past my nephew dying on my son’s birthday? They were best friends, and I’m filled with so many mixed emotions and pain in my heart.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Albert,

Thanks for your note and question.

One of the more difficult aspects of grief is that we don’t “get past” the feelings caused by the death of someone important to us.

Not only can we not go past, we also can’t go over, under, or around the feelings – we have to go through them.

“Getting past,” like another awkward phrase, “getting over,” implies forgetting. And you will never forget your nephew. You would never forget him or his life or death even if he had died on a day other than your son’s birthday. But the birthday connection means that you will always be reminded of him.

The key for you is to become emotionally complete in your relationship to your nephew who died. In order to do that you must take actions that will help you discover and complete what was left unfinished for you by the death. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. It will help you deal with the mixture of emotions and the pain in your heart.