Send me email updates about messages I've received
on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.By signing up, you certify that
you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.

Long lost mother in law wants to move in....

i recently posted about my husbands long lost sister moving in for 6 months etc. to get her life straight. i ended up saying that i was ok with it provided we put down rules, if within 2 months she was not putting out effort she had to leave and 6 months was the deadline for her, that was hard for me to do cause we live in a small 2bdrm apt and i value privacy,i knew that it would not be my home for 6 months but i did it for him. well now that isnot happening, but his mother wants to move in with us until we leave, so like 1.5 years. I know that I would probably start having anxiety attacks again, I know that I would not be happy and it would NOT be my home, a parent is a whole new level of stress compared to a sister and 1.5 years. They have not seen eachother in like 20 years, so i know he is going to say yes when he hears it, she asked me first. I don't know how to say hunny I just can't...I would become miserable, I would want to move out, but Im afraid he's going to be so upset with me because him and his mom are connecting so well right now, but we live in different countries. She might get a job here cause she works for aafes (military but its civilian workers) and if she got her own place, great! She can visit and we'll help her move in, but aafes doesn't pay that much and she still has bills back at home (the states) so she wants to move in here. I know how emotional this is for everyone and I want to keep doing what they need and give my support, but this is too much for me. I don't think I can handle that, I might have an emotional breakdown and then I can only imagine what she would think of me, but if I say no is she going to hate me? Is he going to hold that against me? I have seen him cry multiple times in the past week over these people...prior to that I only seen him cry ONCE in all the time I have known him. This is huge for him and I want to do everything he needs, but I just can't do that without sacrificing myself. I think their is a good chance it would push me to having to move out of my own house. What do I do? I dont want to hurt anyone, but I just can't handle that.

you have a right to feel that way. 1.5 years is way too long for your MIL to move in. if your hubby has not seen her in 20 years, how does he know they will get along? even though they get along a 2 week visit would be more tolerable compared to 1.5 years. you need to put your foot down and let him know you are not comfortable with this arrangement, you are his wife and this is your home too. You need to feel comfortable in your home and he needs to understand that period!!! i hope he doesn't hold it against you if you work up the nerve to tell him how you feel, if he holds it against you he is just selfish imo. you are not the reason why they have not seen each other in 20 years and you should not feel obliged to sacrifice your comfort and peace of mind. i do not know too many women who would be thrilled to have their MIL move in..i sure wouldn't.

I would start by chatting with husband and figure out some alternatives, such as:

Helping her find a place that doesn't cost much...housing or something.
Offer to help her in any way you can as far as rides, etc.
See if she qualifies for assistance....there has to be a program for her situation.
Even if she has to stay for a few months...at least there will be a plan B in action.

to be honest, I love my mom...but I wouldn't be happy with my own mom moving in , and thats my mom. This woman sounds wonderful, she does..it is nothing against her and I want to have a relationship with her, and her grandbaby needs to meet her and we are even considering a surprise visit to her...we just have to somehow work out plane tickets for 2.5 ppl, rental car, leave from work etc. that takes $$ and planning...and we would be sacrificing a bit to get that money so quickly but she doesn't know this. I understand her need to get here NOW and see him, hell since his sister is not coming I would even say lets buy her a plane ticket and she can come stay for a couple weeks. Will I be stressed for a couple weeks...hel lyea, but I can grin and bear it, I'll ask my doctor for some temporary anti-anxiety meds, but live with us...i just can't handle that. i know some ppl do,well they are better than me cause i cant

Comment by
Anonymous
(original poster)
at 3:50 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

My mother-in-law was awseome....till we moved in with her...oh....wow....

Personally, I think if you at least have a light at the end of the tunnel, it will be better for you!