Updated Football-Announcer Clichés

Football announcers have been recycling the same old clichés for years. That's what makes them clichés! Here are some new, original phrases for announcers to seamlessly sub in for those tired ones they've used over and over again on their broadcasts.

Cliché: "And the kick splits the uprights."Update: "And the kick goes right through the middle of the poles like the equator of our very own dying planet."

Cliché: "These two teammates need to get on the same page."Update: "These two teammates need to stop creating different Google Docs with the same title."

Cliché: "This running back's a real workhorse."Update: "This running back's a real intern who delusionally thinks that the company will be around in a year to hire him when he graduates."

Cliché: "This team clearly brought its A-game today."Update: "This team clearly didn't stay up until 4 A.M. looking for a high-quality version of the 1994 film 'Angels in the Outfield' to stream last night."

Cliché: "The receiver really got his bell rung on that hit."Update: "The receiver must feel like he has a drunk roommate who lost his key after that hit."

Cliché: "This quarterback's the kind of player who makes his teammates better."Update: "This quarterback's the kind of player who has already torrented the Tony Danza vehicle 'Angels in the Outfield' and would gladly send his teammates the file anytime, day or night."

Cliché: "You've got to take things one game at a time."Update: "You've got to approach each game like it's an appetizer at a wedding that you brought a date to."

Cliché: "I don't want to throw the coach under the bus, but . . . "Update: "I don't want to call an Uber during surge pricing on the coach's phone, but . . . "

Cliché: "This is a game of attrition."Update: "This is a game of wearing down the opponent like it's a cat that you want to tolerate your love and affection."

Cliché: "He's giving it a hundred and ten per cent out there."Update: "His effort is as maxed out as the inbox of the false e-mail address I give out when I need to write one down to get something for free."

Cliché: "There's no love lost between these two teams."Update: "These teams have hooked up before, but it wasn't exclusive, and let's just say it didn't end well."

Cliché: "That linebacker made the quarterback go down like a ton of bricks."Update: "That linebacker made the quarterback go down like Twitter when you've finally thought of something actually worth tweeting."

Cliché: "That touchdown might be the final nail in their opponent's coffin."Update: "That touchdown might be the third sexting scandal in their opponent's political career."

Cliché: "This team needs a miracle."Update: "This team needs what the titular angels in the director William Dear's 'Angels in the Outfield' got."