Breaking News: Flip-Flops Are Not Shoes

It’s that horrible time of year again when people think it’s appropriate to wear flip-flops in public as if they’re shoes. They are not shoes, they are flip-flops. Shoes do not make a flippity-floppity sort of sound when you walk, and if they do it’s probably for some sort of dramatic effect so people will pay attention to your feet and the fabulous shoes that grace them.

As with all pieces of fashion, there is a time and place for everything. Am I sitting here in a full-length gown? No. Do I want to? Yes. But I am not because that’s not how shit works. You can’t sit at a desk wearing a full-length gown even if the gown is by Alexander McQueen. Do you know how offended my co-workers would be that I thought I was that fancy a person to just traipse about the world as if always ready to attend the Met Gala? While I’m not sure exactly how offended, but I imagine on a scale from one to ten, it would be somewhere around nine.

If you were to look up the term “flip-flops” you will find these two words most commonly associated with the footwear: simple and casual. These two adjectives are meant for things that involve romps in the park, beach days and barbecues in a backyard in a small town in the middle of nowhere where wolves are the host. This is not an opinion, this is a fact.

While I do own one pair of flip-flops, I have worn them once after my ankles were so damaged in blisters from some lovely new shoes, that I had no choice. I may be a masochist when it comes to my love life, but when it comes to my feet, it’s another story–so I wasn’t about to go for round two and fuck them up even more. Yes, I wore these flip-flops in public against my better judgement and for everything for which I stand, but I also wore dark sunglasses and a large-brimmed hat so as to conceal my identity should I run into someone I knew. However, I was lucky that day; I ran into no one. The flip-flops still remain in my closet just in case I have a nervous breakdown and stop caring. That will also be the day I’ll buy my first pair of sweatpants (which are not pants, despite the name), change my name to Helen and run away.

To quote the great Tom Ford: “A man should never wear shorts in the city. Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach.” This goes for men, women and children, people! Ford is also a man who does not condone white socks, so basically he and I are on the same page when it comes to many fashion-related items.

In case Tom and I have not convinced you, perhaps these photos will help.