Bush Sr. Emails Hacked, Insight Gained

On the morning of Friday, February 8th, authorities began investigating how a hacker accessed the email accounts of former President George H.W. Bush. This inexcusable invasion of privacy has compromised family addresses, phone numbers and sensitive messages to numerous influential parties. And like any good media outlet, we’re going to share some of those with you now.

Wow, that was easy. Did you see the look on Dukakis’ face? He was all “what?” I went to shake his hand on stage yesterday and when he put his hand out I put mine behind my head and said “too slow, hairpiece!” Haha! You had to be there. See ya Monday,

Hey Marty, my Chief of Staff just told me I need to give a commemorative speech about the Apollo 11 Moon landing. WHEN WAS THIS!? You’ve got to be kidding me, right? We did that? That is SO cool. Was that you? When are we going to do it again?

But anyway, I need some pointers. I’d like to make an opening joke about Apollo, like, “I’m pretty APPAL-oed that we haven’t been to the moon in so long!” or something. Or maybe a joke about cheese? You’ll have to write that one beacuse I don’t know what kind of cheese the moon is made of. Hit me back.

Hey Bill, I heard Brennan’s retiring. Is this true? We had a pool going that he would die before he quit, so I’m hoping you can convince him to go another year. He’s looking pretty frail. Yesterday I saw him trying to eat JELL-O in the cafeteria and it was the funniest thing I’ve seen in my entire life. So see what you can do. Otherwise I’m out thirty bucks.

In case he says no, what do you think of David Souter? I heard he got drunk last week and got in a fight with his neighbor’s cleaning lady. Get me his number. Thanks,

Dick! What’s up? Listen, this Gulf War is really fugging up my shib here. I need you to scoot over to Suadi Arabia and smooth things over with King Fahd. Shouldn’t be hard, just show up, say yes to everything he asks for and give him a back massage. We’ve got him in our court. You’d have to shoot the guy to lose his trust at this point. Haha, just kidding. Like you would ever shoot somebody.

So this schmuck Bill Clinton won the democratic nomination. Did you hear that fruit’s blurb on global warming? In his America we’d all be forced to buy carbon credits whenever we pass a Chic-Fil-A sandwich!

Anyway, he shouldn’t be a problem in November. Scott Rasmussen has me polling up about twenty points. I also just put George Junior on as my campaign advisor. See you in 1993!