Friday, July 29, 2016

Seventeen Examples of How Vegans are Poised to Rule the World...

1. We are obsessed with avocados and bananas and in a state of emergency, we have
all the ripe ones while you are stuck with the sad, unripe ones, waiting in
vain for them to ripen while the world burns outside your door.

2. Vegans can make
people feel guilty without a word or even a glance. Let me repeat that: we can
make omnivores feel guilty simply by existing.
Who else besides your mother could make the same claim? I’m not sure exactly
how this gift will be used to affirm our eventual ruling status, but, hey, it’s
something for our toolbox just in case.

3. Put us in the least
accommodating restaurant and the best of us can hack the hell out of the menu
vegan MacGyver-style. I’m
pretty sure this means that we’re resourceful and visionary, which are favorable
traits for taking over the world.

4. Speaking of, we are
like ruthless ninjas with flinging one-star reviews like we’re throwing shuriken
stars at establishments that provoke our displeasure, which probably is
evidence of our sharp reflexes and non-violent ruthlessness.

5. Not to brag or
anything but we know approximately 700 things to do with cashews, which could
be of value.

6. With an hour’s notice, we can create an entire Instagram-worthy Thanksgiving
meal out of pantry staples, parsley and a couple of onions. Can you?

7. We have been hit with every ludicrous excuse and justification for eating
animals imaginable from people who want us to believe that the dietary needs of
a carnivorous lion should dictate our moral decisions and those who make the
should-have-been-disregarded-in-sixth-grade claim that plants feel pain. This
is the landscape we dwell in, meaning that our lives are like absurdist
comedies so we are ready for whatever life throws our way. Also: we’re
basically Teflon.

8. Once you’ve been
tagged in a bunch of photos wearing a tofu costume all over social media, you’re
basically embarrassment-proof. I’m sure there’s some practical leadership advantage
to that but I don’t know what it is right now.

9. If you’ve ever witnessed the conniptions that ensue
when people find out that the wedding they’ve been invited to is going to be vegan
and how irate they become at having their dietary preferences not catered to for
one entire, single meal, you’ll
realize that it doesn’t take much for some omnivores to collapse in a heap of
self-pity and hollow righteous fury. Vegans, however, are accustomed to
adapting to all situations thus we are completely poised for global domination.

10. Vegans who live in
small towns and rural areas are practically survivalists but do it without
killing animals, which is so much more awesome and less gross.

11. We invented and
are perfecting an egg white replacement that is made from bean water. I’ll just
leave that here.

12. We survived 1944 – 2000-something without decent vegan cheese. Some people
say they can’t live without cheese,
maybe the same people who will die if
they have to endure an entire wedding without meat and animal products. Are these the people who we trust to
take over the world? Unable to imagine life without string cheese and gruyère? Until
recently, vegans have put nutritional yeast and almonds in the food processor, pulsed
it together a few times, called it cheese, and carried on with our lives without colossal freak-outs. In
short, we’re not babies.

13. Have you ever wondered why we say or type the word “vegan” about 50 times a
day? You can pronounce it correctly now, right? This will make power transfer
much smoother. Thank you for your compliance.

14. You know how vegans are in and out of the bathroom quickly because of all
that fiber? We’re using that spare time to foment the vegan revolution. What do
you do with your time in the bathroom? Just sit there twiddling your thumbs? Whatever
floats your boat.

15. We can scan an ingredients label in 10 – 20 seconds. We can scan labels in
our sleep. We can scan labels while simultaneously making sure a toddler
doesn’t upend a display of canned beans, figuring out dinner and planning our
Fur Free Friday march. We’re like supercomputers when it comes to label scanning.
Again, I’m not sure what we’ll be using this talent for in the new world order
but it’s something.

16. The word “bacon” does not make us slobber uncontrollably. The new world
order will reflect that Homer Simpson is a cautionary tale, not someone to emulate.

17. Who is better prepared for the revolution, the people who have meltdowns
when there isn’t sufficient cheese, who care more about bacon than basic
rights, and who feel completely violated when their every dietary preference
isn’t met or the vegans? I think you already know the answer to that.