Essential Tools for Hunting Ghosts

With Halloween behind us, it's nigh time we take a good long look at ourselves and separate the hype from the actual very serious science of hunting vaporous spirits and capturing evidence of them on tape so we can prove once and for all that there is life after death, or at the very least, Photoshop.

Ghost hunting is a fairly new field that's only existed for a few decades in its modern form. Before digital cameras and EMF detectors, ghost hunters were forced to hunt ghosts with Davy Crocket muskets and a large flour sack . The flour sack could be used to toss onto the ghost, and, if captured, their trusty mule would then haul to the beet patch until such time as your resident Leprechauns would have a chance to scourge all the evil out of him. Ghosts had it pretty rough back then.

But ghosts won't appear to just anyone. In fact, they usually prefer to stay away and make you find them (kind of like any number of the people you've dated recently). But you will have to find the ghosts if you want to become world famous and highly respected by your peers and untold scores of nerds. To do so, you'll have to be equipped with the latest and greatest in ghost hunting technology. You may not be afraid of ‘no ghost,' but you may think differently if one of them is trying to eat your brain and the only thing you have to defend yourself with is a digital camera and one of those glow wands.

Ghost Hunting Starter KitGhost Hunter Starting KitTo begin, you should probably arm yourself with a healthy assortment of the basics; namely, an EMF meter, an LED red flashlight, an infrared thermometer, a motion detector, and a handy "Ghost Research 101" guide book, packed to the gills with tons of amazing and imperative ghost hunting facts and tips (none of which I've actually read first hand because the kit is $98 plus shipping and handling). But I'm sure it is bound to be fascinating, based at the very least on its cover. You can always judge a good book by its cover, I always say, and this one has got to be great owing to the fact that it's depicting what appears to be an alien mothership abducting a suburban home that is emitting some very large, transparent, beach balls. You know you want to see how that one turns out. (Ghost Kit)

Dowsing Rods

For the bargain basement price of $13, these attractive dowsing rods can be yours. No serious ghost hunter is ever without his trusty rods (which any ghost expert could tell you are basically useless). That's probably why they only cost $13. You could most likely get the same result with a couple of coat hangers. The concept behind the dowsing rod is that the dowsing rods will cross in the presence of supernatural activity. And then what? Well, they're crossed, you see. So there must be something supernatural near by. Quick, stop the presses! (Ghost Kit )

White Sage Smudge Wand

Smudge Wand

A steal at only $6.50, a ‘smudge wand' is a sort-of magical device that can be used in ‘cleaning, clearing, and blessing.' But to me, it looks like a bag of those little cocktail umbrellas that have been put through the wash.

Still, it's a relief to know that if your neighbors' kid ever becomes possessed and they should choose to summon you, Mr. Amateur Ghost Hunter, to give Satan the ol' bum rush, you'll be able to clear the home's evil atmosphere with stuff that looks like it came out of a 30-year couch. (Ghost Tool)

Ghost Hunting Tool Belt

OK, don't laugh-this really is an important item. Where else would a ghost hunter keep a flashlight or three? Behind his ears?

Of course not. He'd strap on a trio of what appears to be some 16-oz beverage coolers and pick up his trusty hot pink flashlight and get out there to stir things up with the undead. Freddy Kreuger beware: there's a new sheriff in town. (Ghost Tool)

Radiological Survey Meter

Certainly you will need to pick up one of these thingys, called, let me see here... a ‘radiological survey meter.' This is a military surplus item, probably from back in the day when the military fought off entire battalions of ghosts who were bound and determined to show up in all their tourist photos and ruin them.

The radiological survey meter will pick up changes in ionizing radiation, which, as you know, I don't know what it is. It sounds extremely important, however, and I'm sure you will absolutely want to detect every possible change you can find there. And when you find them, you will have to record them all in your fancy new... (Ghost Tool)

Ghost Hunters Journal

We're not sure if there's an apostrophe between the ‘r' and ‘s' there, indicating if this is supposed to be a journal for you, the ghost hunter, or for several ghost hunters all at once to share. But that gripe aside, you know you will want to record your every thought and feeling when on a ghost hunt, as well as your feelings about other things such as that girl who smiled at you in the lunch line the other day and how you resent your PE teacher for making you run laps because it makes your pants become sweaty. There is absolutely no holds barred in your very own personal ghost hunters journal-just don't take up too much space in case the other ghost hunters in the vicinity need to use it. (Ghost Tool)

Holy Water

Holy Water Finally, we come to the most indispensable item of all: holy water. Because you know that when you come face to face with a ghost, after years and years of searching, after spending thousands of dollars on all kinds of radiometric EMF electronic devices that measure changes in sheep telepathic transmissions, that the first thing you'll want to do is to douse said spirit with a shot of holy water and vanquish him back to whence he came. (Ghost Tool)

Just a note: if ghosts happen to not be susceptible to the cleansing power of holy water and all you do is make them wet and even more pissed off, then you might want to arm yourself with this final bonus ghost hunting item: