Fearless Faith

It has been a crazy 2 weeks preparing for the bone marrow transplant and the journey that continuously proves to be a wild ride. On Friday afternoon I got a phone call from Dr. Wadleigh telling me that my brother has not yet been cleared for transplant because his white count is a little low. For me, this means that the transplant has been pushed back yet another 6 weeks and I would need to go in this Monday for more treatment. I felt my heart drop to my toes and the tears immediately rolled down my cheeks…..why? Why is this happening and what does is mean?? I was ready to rock and roll, to begin this process, and have a beautiful rebirth; ready to embrace this amazing adventure, taking in my new spiritual shift, the beautiful lessons learned, and move forward. With this news I began to doubt my choice, feel pretty bummed…the days following were low.

I called Tad on his way home from work to tell him the news, still feeling the tears welling inside and out. I got off the phone pretty quickly to sit in thought as to what my next plan would be, when I got a text. I ignored it at first, feeling a little sorry for myself, then got a feeling I should check it. Tad sent me a message: “Feed your faith, and your fears will starve to death.” The words rang through me with such light, in that moment I knew everything was going to be ok. Tad has been such an amazing partner during this experience and has always had the most divine words to lift me up. I took a deep breath and called Dr. Wadleigh right back and at the same time paged Dr. Soiffer, the transplant doctor….I had my own conference call of sorts. I took the drivers seat and looked forward to the road that God was paving for me. You see, in that moment I realized that I had been waivering with my thoughts and preparation. It was time to walk through to the other side, but I was still trying to go around.

Upon talking with Dr. Soiffer and Dr. Wadleigh, I arranged a new plan. I asked if they would do one more blood work up on Shad Monday morning before I would have to be admitted. If his white count has improved then we would move forward with the transplant for this Friday, Feb 3 as planned. If not, then I would enter Dana Farber Monday afternoon for an enjoyable 5 night stay at this amazing spa and resort. 🙂 They both agreed. Shad and his entire family had a cold about a week before he went in for testing, so I was not overly surprised by this news. Under “normal” circumstances you would admire the bodies ability to heal, but if you are going to be a bone marrow donor then the white count needs to be high. Shad has been amazing during this process as it has not gone without a significant amount of frustration during planning. He has gone above his call and nurtured his body so that hopefully his counts have gone back up. Shad is giving me such a gift and this is an amazing example of how blessed I am.

When Tad got home from work he shared some strong feelings. While he was driving home he got really angry at God. “why does she have to go through this? Why can’t it go smooth?” Then he got a direct answer: It has gone smooth. We have been so blessed right from the beginning of this journey starting with remission within 2 weeks of treatment. And as Tad began to think back about all the love and support that has brightened our path, he realized how blessed we are. He felt ashamed for having been angry, but it was an opportunity to be reminded of how smooth this process has really been and how loved we are by so many. When he was sharing this with me, I too felt bad for being upset. When we reflected together, we realized that there has been nothing but blessings. It is hard to know the why, but when you see the growth on so many levels you realize how grateful you are for the experience, no matter how crazy the experience may be. Sometimes in the moments in is hard to see and embrace the beauty of the lesson. As I previously posted, it is my power to create the vessel, while I flow down the river.

I have realized that I have always embraced the divinity of time and this should be no exception. I embrace my fearless faith, unwavering support, and love that has been delivered in so many colors. So tonight, as I write this, I have my head back in the game. I trust and I listen. I am ready to flow with this journey as I envision a rebirth. Please pray for our family and for Shad as I would love the river to flow to transplant. I will keep you all posted!

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2 comments

Holly, you are so amazingly strong in your walk down this road, I know you will open the final door to complete health and a loving long life with many new journeys with your wonderful family and friends surrounding you. I love you so much,