Sleep Rules vs. Sleep Reality

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03 / 25 / 2016

In some magical land filled with rainbows and unicorns, there are apparently people who do the following FOUR things before bedtime based on the recommendations of the CDC, and it is these FOUR things that lead to a healthy night’s sleep:

Go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day – even on weekends and days off – in order to stabilize your sleep rhythm.

Skip TV and looking at other gadgets an hour before bedtime and never bring them into the bedroom so it becomes a quiet, dark place where you can relax without interruption.

Exercise because a good workout can help you sleep more soundly at night. But you don’t want exercise right before bed because it stimulates you and raises your body temperature, which isn’t exactly conducive to sleep. So when is the ideal time to exercise? Why early in the morning. And if you’re doing #1, it will be at the same time every day.

Take a bath to help wind down. The hot water will raise your body temperature. When you get out of the tub the cool air will cause your body temperature to drop, signaling to your brain it’s time to sleep. Brains are so gullible.

Yup. That’s all ya gotta do before bed and then it’s off to dreamland. Easy-Peasy right? Yeah right. Who ARE these people? Who does only FOUR things before bed?? Not moms, we can tell you that. Let us walk you through what a typical bedtime routine looks like when you're a mom:

Make food, serve child food, eat your own food (aka whatever your child didn’t eat) standing over the sink, clean up food (and wonder how did it get on the CEILING!??), and do the dishes. Kinda.

Wrangle child into bath, clean up more food that fell out of child’s outfit when child got undressed. Explain to child that food does not belong in underpants. Get child into bath.

Get child out of bath and attempt to dry child’s body. Child complains loudly that the towel hurts and refuses any further contact. Realizing this is not about the battle but about the war, attempt to finagle moist child into pajamas. If NASA needs to find new ways to fuse two surfaces, they should study a child’s damp skin and Frozen jammies. The process may be expedited by using all the patience, bribes, blackmail, and distractions at your disposal. Tossing a pet into the mix usually does the trick. Make sure you have ample treats ready for said pet later and remember that its fur will grow back.

Pry pet fur out of child’s hand, brush child’s hair and teeth. Kinda.

Put child into bed. Chase child down hall when she escapes from bed. Have child sit on the potty ‘one last time’ before bed. Find the three different stuffed animals that child MUST HAVE OR SHE WILL NEVER SLEEP EVER.

Turn on the hall light per child’s request.

Turn off the hall light per child’s request.

Turn on the hall light per child’s request.

Pull your own hair out. Pet gives you a ‘what comes around goes around’ look and walks away with tail in the air.

Contemplate taking a bath. Stare at bath toys, dirty Doc McStuffins wash cloth, and what could possibly be boogers scattered across the bottom of the tub. Leave the bathroom.

Get into your Lunya sleepwear. Revel in how soft and comfy it is. Possibly roll around your bed like a dog who just found a patch of grass. Or, you know, not. Admire how sexy you look in them when you STOP rolling around like a dog, and then head off to watch TV, check your phone, answer emails, and maybe even do a jig cause you’re finally alone!

Put child back in bed.

Sit on couch for 40 minutes staring at the wall trying to remember all of the things you thought you were going to do after child went to bed (see #11).

Tell yourself that you are going to set your alarm for five in the morning so you can get up and exercise before the kids wake up. Laugh hysterically (that counts as ab work, right?) and then remember that you wanted to watch TV! Yay!

Take a selfie on your couch to prove to the world that you do, in fact, know HOW to sit down and because you look super cute in your Lunya sleepwear – so cute that you’ll probably wear it tomorrow when you drop the kids off at school- #spoileralert!

Realize you STILL have not turned on the TV or finished the dishes or made lunches for tomorrow. Great.

Head to bed and then remember 90,000 million other things you need to do around the house. Do them all.

Get into bed. Get out of bed and go check to make sure all the doors are locked and lights are off.

Repeat number 14 because you’re so tired you don’t remember if you did it or dreamt it.

Check your email and social media accounts before plugging your phone in next to you. Think about turning it off. Tell yourself you’re leaving it on in case of an emergency, but deep-down know that it’s because you’re gonna check your social media when your kid wakes you up at 3AM. Cause that’s healthy.

Settle into bed, fluff your pillow, smooth the blanket, adjust your pajamas…oh wait…you are wearing Lunya sleepwear so no need to straighten, shift, or tug. The only thing left to do is actually go to sleep. Yippy!

“Mommmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

Yeah. So basically according to the CDC most moms are failing at sleep. Good thing we have Lunya sleepwear to make us COMFORTABLE and stylish failures. We can live with that.