So in the five or so minutes of TV I’ve watched in the past two weeks that wasn’t part of NBC’s Olympic coverage, I happened to catch some guy from PETA on some talk show ranting about Cindy Crawford selling out to the blood fur industry.

PETA, just in case you didn’t know, stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, a cause everyone is more than willing to support until they figure out what “Ethical” means to PETA. But at any rate, this PETA guy was getting interviewed and finally came to something close to the following exchange:

At this point in the interview, I became enraged. Sure, everyone wants to protect the cow, but no one ever cares about the cotton. What did Cotton ever do to you?

PETA hates the fur industry because the animals are raised on a farm in very close quarters and then when they’re “harvested” for their fur, their necks are snapped in a supposed painless death. Just because they don’t bleed when they die, doesn’t mean their death was painless.

I couldn’t agree more. Cotton is raised on a farm in very close quarters, and when they’re “harvested” for their fuzzy stuff, their necks are chopped clean through in a supposed painless death. I’m sure their screams would be deafening if farm machinery weren’t so loud. On top of that, they are routinely sprayed with harsh chemicals, designed to kill, and they are often genetically engineered. Some have even been genetically altered to be able to go for longer without water. Water deprivation is the lowest form of torture, this couldn’t be farther from ethical.

So after I stripped down naked and cried over the dozens of cotton plants slaughtered to feed my vain need for clothing, I realized I must do something. I must respond to the staunch conservatism of PETA and their discriminatory practices. We mere mortals have not the right to deem one life more valuable than another just because it’s cuter or makes fun sounds or moves around on 4 legs.

I started PETAL, People for the Ethical Treatment of All Life.

Membership in PETAL is easy. No forms, no commitments, just a simple lifestyle change, that’s all.

First of course, you have to burn all your clothes. Virtually tens of thousands of lives were taken to provide your wardrobe. You have been wearing the hides and entrails of too many lifeforms for far too long. This is the first step to your cleansing.

I do agree that going around naked is quite tiresome. But soon, people will once again pick wild cotton from the ground, after the seeds have been released of course, and any clothes made in this way may certainly be worn guilt free. Until then, I highly recommend synthetic liquid latex, or pleather or vinyl made from synthetic rubbers.

Next, throw out pretty much your entire pantry. Virtually everything you eat is farm raised for death. If there are any wild grapevines or fruit trees nearby, feel free to eat anything that has dropped to the ground. And if you happen across a dead animal, that too is free for the eating. But be very careful to not cook the animal, or you’ll potentially kill the bacteria which have made a happy home in the carcass. Remember, bacteria are people too.

And since we’re on the subject of bacteria, be sure to throw out all of your cleaning products. Virtually all of these claim to kill bacteria. Just because they don’t scream when they die doesn’t mean you’re not a murderer. So stop the genocide, don’t buy Lysol.

And for that matter, no more tap water, distilled water, spring water, bottled water, or well water. If you want water, you’re just going to have to chemically reconstitute it, and that’s that.

And under no circumstances should you use any chemicals on your lawn. Never mow, weed eat, or trim your hedges again. How would you like it if I chopped off your arm just because I thought it gave my house a cleaner look? You should be ashamed of yourself for the decades of abuse you and your ancestors have heaped on the grasses of your lawns. You have beheaded hundreds of thousands of lives; countless families torn apart by your violence.

After you have cleansed yourself of all these articles of death and destruction, what should you do next? Spread the word. This is quite a difficult feat since we can’t protest without very expensive synthetic paper signs, and we certainly can’t have any mail outs. And public demonstrations are going to be quickly put down by the authorities, at least until large quantities of synthetic clothing can be distributed. So it’s pretty much a word of mouth campaign.

It may be hard to get people to listen to you though, you’ll pretty much be living mostly naked except for the skins of roadkill and various pieces of bark and leaves sewn together with bits of dried intestines. And your yard will be overrun and your home consumed with mold, mildew, and large colonies of bacteria. And more than likely you’ll be pretty hungry unless you’re near enough to some wild berry patches.

But don’t let that deter you. We must all fight for the Ethical Treatment of All Life. PETAL Power!!!

Please note: free range cotton shirts screen printed with “Bacteria are people too” and “Just because it doesn’t scream when it dies doesn’t mean you’re not a murderer” will be available soon. Of course you won’t be able to pay for them with cash… It might be legal tender now, but they used to be rows and rows of farm raised plants, sprayed with harsh chemicals, and slaughtered so you could feel better about your economic standing.

Fuwjax said on 2004-10-11

My insensitivity knows no bounds. Not only could the fires consuming the entire wardrobe of a billion people eradicate countless species of insects, bacteria and fungus, but think of the wretched trauma it would rend to the ecosystems of all life.

I have disgraced myself as the founder of PETAL; I am not worthy to be even the lowliest of members. Is there no one who can bear the burden of protecting all life from suffering and death?

Derek said on 2004-10-11

This is crazy! Burning my clothes would kill mites, lice, and several forms of fungus! Why should they suffer at my hands?!

I demand more extreme measures be taken, or I will form a more radical, fungus-friendly splinter group!