Spoof news stories from Sunday 18 March 2012

The top ten marijuana slip-ups of Ron Paul during race for presidency!
10. It's all over here. We came in turd. Let's light...pack up and let's blow this joint!
9. My glaucoma is acting up again. Everyone here looks strange.
8. So we lost another state? Who really gives a shit?
7. Forget this Primary. Show me the Prime.
6. Are you against this too, Santorum? Ever have any fun?...

Manchester City insiders today revealed that City boss, Roberto 'The Scarf' Mancini (Unkindly referred to in some quarters as 'Mankini') has vowed to eat his own scarf if City fail in their bid to land the league title for the first time since the ha...

MONDAY - As Manchester United pulled four points clear in the Premiership title race, with a 5-0 victory over Wolves at Molineux, with goals courtesy of Evans, Valencia, Welbeck, and a brace from Chicharito, thus reducing the Goal Difference between...

A government report on education in the UK, published today, draws radical, new conclusions about the causes of the apparent decline in educational standards.
'It had become established wisdom that young people were becoming more stupid,' explaine...

Here are six unidentified quotes uttered by either New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg or German dictator Adolf Hitler. Test your knowledge of the world's fastest growing political scheme by correctly identifying who said what.
1."'I have my own army... which is the seventh largest army in the world."
Answer: No, this wasn't a boast by Hitler about his SS storm troopers. It's Mayor Mike warning t...

London - Successive solar and lunar eclipses have failed to cleanse North London's premier pagan hot spot of decades of luvvies' toxic crap.
This Tuesday karmic pest control in the guise of the Druids' annual Vernal Equinox parade up the iconic R...

(1952: Pete's Country Store)
Abe and Sally Foreside come in the front door of Pete's Country Store fanning gnats.
"Pete we saw the Liberry Truck leavin the store. Did our books come in?"
"Looks like you brung a swarm of dog-pecker gnats in with you. Let me see. She left about 20 books and magazines. Of course, there's a dozen National Geograffics for Joe Linseed. He's probably lookin' f...

There was pandemonium today at Stamford Bridge, with nine spectators collapsing in dead faints as Fernando Torres scored a brace in eighteen minutes against Leicester City in this FA Cup Quarter Final tie, in a 5-2 victory for the Blues.
Paramedic...

While abusing women in public, the CIA has gotten information that the Iranian government has an army of 10,000 women ninja warriors.
Why this isn't getting out to the Western powers I don't know, because it's right there in print in the 'Strange...

Sky Sports viewers were horrified this afternoon when a couple of pundits started throwing punches at eachother.
The fracas started at half-time in the match between Wolves and Manchester Utd.
With Utd 3-0 up and Wolves reduced to ten men follo...

Deputy Prime Minister, LibDem leader Nick Clegg has urgently contacted his doctor for advice about several health questions.
The Doctor has prescribed 'think again' pills for Clegg and said he would be arranging for a consultant to 'take away all...

When thinking of Tony Abbott the usual 'mad monk' stereotype that the media often spruiks does come to mind. However in 2012 I'm pretty sure Tony is gonna go join the circus to learn the graceful art of lion-taming.
I reckon it'd be a weekend thing in between parliamentary sitting days. Gotta get Tony into the well pressed suit and top-hat and into the ring with Malcolm. Are you with me? Just...

App World! editor, Max Buck has known for some time that he's had to lose weight.
"I've gained a few pounds since my divorce," he said. "It's mainly because I only ever eat at Cheeze Wheeze now."
Fortunately, help is at hand in the form of a ne...

Well people 2011 is well and truly gone. We're finally free of a totally screwed up year of earthquakes, tsunamis, giant gyrations on the stock market and the usual Dr. Evil buggery from both the Climate believers and deniers.
The Chinese say that 2012 is gonna be the year of the 'Dragon'. I Les Patterson Junior, number one son to the greatest Australian since Errol Flynn would disagree polite...

Last week, we asked for celebrity opiate users to drop us a line and tell us about the highs and the lows of their addiction.
Unfortunately, all the famous opium users are now dead.
Fortunately, Derek Acorah popped into the Spoof offices and was able to contact famous opium users from across the centuries.
There was a downside to this, as Derek Acorah popped into the Spoof offices this we...

What can we expect from the Newspapers (if there are any trees left by then) in 2062?
If prices go up at the same rate as they have done for the last 50 years?.....
Adverts in 2062:
Cameron-Clegg Almalgamated Food Mega-Stores
(Originally Tesco & Sainsbury's util William Hague bought them out and gave the company to Cameron and Clegg as a Christmas present in 2045)
This weeks offer...

HOLLYWOOD - Ever since Britney Spear's concert tour of Australia when she was caught lip syncing on most of her performances, she has had a reputation for being Little Miss Lip Syncer.
And although as iRumors, Bedroom Pillow Talk, Tittle Tattle T...

The United States Commission on State License Plate Slogan Approval has just granted ten states permission to change their vehicular license plate slogans for 2013.
The executive director of TUSCOSLPSA Winnie Leona "Tags" Tagliobissi stated that they had to reject the slogans of two states and ask that they submit a secondary entry.
The commission rejected Arizona's slogan "The Non-Hola Stat...

This Weeks Selected Political News
Monday 12th March 2012:
Topic: Cutbacks - Samantha Cameron
"No cutbacks for Samantha Cameron"
Source: The Mirror
Samantha Cameron shopping in Ikea for hubby's new cabinet had her No 10 handlers wetting themselves.
A flat-pack would ­admittedly be more useful than most of Call Me Dave's Ministers who have screws missing of their own.
"The pictures promo...

My Senior Moments This Week
Monday 12th March 2012:
* Up at 0300hrs - Went to the WC. Updated reminders and medical diary in readiness for visit to GP, re ticker monitoring device being fitted. Felt peckish, put pastie in oven. Went to the WC. Went on Spoof, did diaries, found some Snippet ideas, and went to the WC. Took out the burnt pastie from the oven.
* Went to see Doctor, got prescrip...

AMERICAN FORK, UTAH (ABSNN) - Quick to reap political hay in the wake of the stunning news that Mitt Romney was excommunicated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the Mormons, presidential hopeful Rick Santorum began studies to co...