Saturday, October 23, 2010

Stuff that shits me

Today I've got my cranky pants on.

It's been far too long since I've had a spray in the style of 'S@#t My Dad Says'.

Usually I like to post '5 things' or some other lovely thoughts about experiencing living life mindfully. But Mindfullnes also means dealing with the crap in life as well as the good. Sitting with it, acknowledging it, accepting what we can't change, changing what we can, and so on.

But life isn't always rosy at Chez MIA, so in the interests of honesty and full disclosure, here just a few of the things that wind me up:

That Invisible Zinc ad where Elle Macpherson prances around in a bikini while enjoying the admiration of several guys and a girl. A girl? Either the girl is a lesbian or mad (not that there is anything wrong with either of those things, just that it's an interesting marketing idea). Quite frankly, any girl I know would be shooting daggers at Elle's perfectly toned body and wishing she would fall arse over tit, rather than smiling happily at her.

Yes, Elle, we know you are beautiful, but do you have to rub our noses in it?

(Okay, I guess you could rub our noses in the Invisible Zinc, because, well, noses get sunburnt easier but, you don't need to cavort around happily to prove it. And wouldn't the hot sand be burning your feet? And what's with the pose with the stick up your butt? Oh I see, it's a towel or wrap or something. And .... Oh where was I? See how worked up I get?)

And for the record? I actually love Invisible Zinc, it's the best I've ever used for keeping my freckles and wrinkles at bay, even though the price is nasty for a single Mum who is more used to homebrand than anything fancy.

Speaking of beautiful girls spruiking products, I used to be a huge fan of Jennifer Hawkins. Huge. She's beautiful, smart, funny and stuffs up occasionally like the rest of us. Who can ever forget the moments where she accidentally flashed a g-string on the catwalk, or fell over wearing heels?

I always looked at her as being a popular role model for young girls, until Jenn's recent Lovable campaign. You can check out the ad here.

Otherwise just have a perve at her promoting her fashionable skimpies below.

And yes, before any trolls and/or haters say I'm old and fat and jealous and poor and I just wish I looked like Elle or Jennifer ... Why yes. Yes that is exactly right. Okay maybe not Elle, because she lives overseas and does far too much exercise. However I do wish I looked like Jennifer Hawkins, and I wish I had her money also. And her boyfriend for that matter. But I bear her no ill-will for that. Not at all. It's just that she was so honest, and healthy and 'girl next door' before. And I just felt a bit sad that someone had advised her to campaign like this.

I mean watermelons are fantastic and eating them is rather messy. But do you really need to eat them in your undies, while sucking lasciviously on a finger Jennifer? Methinks you've been watching too many Nigella Lawson shows.

And don't get me started on what kind of adult entertainment this pose represents.

The weird thing is that Lovable supports The Butterfly Foundation, a non-profit organisation which was created to boost Australian womens' body image and self-esteem.

In fact Lovable's own website states:

"We are dedicated to changing the culture surrounding eating disorders and body image through our support of Butterfly, by using happy, healthy models in our campaigns and promotional activities and by continuing to design intimates that are not created to objectify women’s bodies but to make women look, and most importantly feel, great when they wear them."

Erm, not sure this campaign does that guys. In fact, I feel like stabbing myself in the eye after seeing these ads.

Anyway, I am aware this post has become a bit political so to lighten the mood here are a few more things that get my cranky on:

When you're in a queue waiting patiently and just when it gets to your turn, they close that till and tell you to go to another register. Coles and McDonalds I am talking to you! (Except I don't really take my kids to McDonalds. Much. And when I do, they always order the healthy choices. Of course they do!)

When you get a soft serve ice-cream and there is a huge hole in the middle. I once asked the dude at Maccas to fill the cone with as little 'hole' as possible, and was told it wasn't their policy. What the?

When you let a driver in during a traffic jam and they don't acknowledge you.

When another driver looks studiously ahead and won't let you in even if it's not your fault you're in the wrong lane

Door-to-door sales people. Yes, I am certainly going to allow a strange man into my home and tell him all sorts of personal details about myself. Not.

People who speed through school zones. Recently a school lollipop lady was hit by a car which was hit by a speeding one. Thank goodness she is okay, but it still happens All The Time.

Those shopping centre touts who always smile and try to stop you to 'ask a question' when they are going to try to sell you something. I have a trolley full of groceries, and two rugrats hanging on to my tracky-dack-clad body. Do I look like I have the time or the money or the inclination to buy whatever expensive stuff you are spruiking? And if I am donating to a charity, I am going to do it in the comfort of home, when there are no small humans chewing on my ankles. (Having said that, I do know that people have to make a living so I never rarely snarl at them. Much.)

When you go to a public loo and A. It's stinky, B. They are out of toilet paper. C. Someone has left a submarine in there for you. and/or D. There is no soap. And especially E. When you have to remain in stinky, toilet-paper-free, submarine-filled-toilet while small person produces a poo that is roughly the size of Western Australia. And which takes about as long to produce as it takes to get to WA from Queensland.

People who push all the floor buttons just before getting out of a lift. (Note: The culprits may actually have been my own children).

People who fart just before getting out of lift, leaving you to walk into a brown cloud. (Note: See above).

Great post, I better not start a list, it may not end. This sun cream is also so crap, ell would never ever use it. I bought it for the kids and arrrgghhh, forget it, it is so useless, just don't buy it.

Assistants in the library who are on the phone to their mate and if you ask them something they say 'I'm just helping a reader with an enquiry i'll be with you in a moment.' and keep yacking to their mate!

LOL OMG I can't stop laughing............ I suppose what makes me cranky is when people feel the need to make comments like "I don't think you should let him do that" when they see J (4) in the middle of a meltdown and attacking me and everything around him....... seriously do they really think I'm LETTING him do that! ........ and don't get me started on the shopping centre touts :)

Seriously, she WILLINGLY let the ice-cream melt all over herself (even if she was directed to). That is all kinds of wrong, from my perspective (as me, who can't have sticky hands or anything ON me, at all).

What gets me really cranky is the voice prompts. A mother's worst nightmare. When do I ever have a min when I can just speak into a phone without the kids intrupting or banging or making some sort of noise. "I'm sorry. I didn't quite hear you."

Funny! Nothing makes me crankier than losing the car keys. Seems like I spent my formative years looking for my mom's keys, and I get a wedgie from my cranky pants when I lose mine. Thankfully, it does not happen often.

Oh, thanks for all your comments, I am so happy that I am not the only one who gets grumpy occasionally. (Okay, a lot ...) I can relate to all of these, especially the crappy drivers, shopping centre meltdowns, and losing the car keys. And most of all, the constant kiddie interruptions when I am a. on the phone, b. on the toilet, c. having a shower. Seriously can a girl have no privacy at all?

Oh, thanks for all your comments, I am so happy that I am not the only one who gets grumpy occasionally. (Okay, a lot ...) I can relate to all of these, especially the crappy drivers, shopping centre meltdowns, and losing the car keys. And most of all, the constant kiddie interruptions when I am a. on the phone, b. on the toilet, c. having a shower. Seriously can a girl have no privacy at all?

Who's Bronnie?

I'm a writer, author, journalist, blogger, and mum. I love my kids, hate housework, and would rather chew my arm off than supervise homework. Picker-upper of toys and pet poo; finder of lost things; and curser of the Sock Monster. When I grow up, I want a pony.