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Author
Topic: how do I become social? (Read 3590 times)

I really want to be social but I am afraid of how people may see me. I am positive and not sure how to go about making new friends.I could just be myself or I can just hide in my house like I have been doing. Last May I joined a lodge that celebrates my culteral heritage. I am also told I would be welcomed at the meeting where they teach the language. I am really nervous and do not know how to act. My goal is to learn this language and put it on my resume once I finish school. I also would like to travel to the country my father is from. Is this ok to tell people?I also have attention deficit but lately have found it easy to pick certain things up like crochet or quilting, I still have a lot to learn about both. I guess I need to admit I am afraid to meet new people for fear of rejection. Which when I used to be healthy I never cared. I wish I was like that again.

Idee, you go about being social the same ways you used to. There is an aggravating factor, but you only have to share that with whomever you wish to. I don't know where you live, but is there an ASO (Aids Service Organization) near by? You may be able to find a support group there, or at least other people to talk to.

It sounds like you have something good going on, with that lodge. What country was your father from, and what language are you going to learn? That sounds very interesting. Good luck, and remember to have fun! No reason to hide.

Logged

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

You've got an added complication with ADD. And, it's no surprise you can easily get into crocheting and quilting. That is something such close, detail-intensive work can take advantage of. It's known as hyper-focusing and is often a trait of someone with ADD. I've found Dr. Hallowell's books yield a lot of credible info about it because he has ADD. He's also helpful in explaining how to use aspects of it to your advantage and how to live with the rest. http://www.drhallowell.com/add-adhd/

See if your local library has one or more of his books.

I have to admit I'm a little confused regarding your fear of rejection at this lodge or elsewhere. Are you planning to be out about being HIV positive? If so, you've got a good reason to be concerned about rejection. Is it relevant information if what you're trying to do is learn more about the language and culture of your father's lineage?

If not, and I'm misunderstanding what you wrote, and you're afraid of being rejected in general, that's another aspect of ADD -- low self-esteem. You report not being like this before your diagnosis, and that's not only great but rather uncommon with ADD. So, why not try to recall how you felt about life and people? If you didn't care about how you were received in a new setting then call up those old visions of walking into a room and remember how you felt.

You are the same person -- you just have this goofball virus causing an interruption in your thinking. BT suggests a support group at an ASO -- and I agree with her if you're lucky enough to have one near you. It could be a perfect place to build up that old sense of self and meet new people who have HIV. If not, see if there's an ADD/ADHD support group for adults near you as that set of alphabet letters has a huge amount of impact on a person's life. Dealing with that might make dealing with HIV a little easier over time.

I am just nervous about what to say when I am asked what I do for a living. I don't want to say I am on SSI and stay home. I am currently working on getting back into school. It won't happen until September. I am trying to stay motivated by doing housework but I guess that is where those groups might do me some good. And I will check that book out.

So when someone asks you what you do, first, you are not obliged to tell them anything. Second, you can be in control of how you describe what you want to share.

For example, if I were doing what you're doing now, preparing to go school, crocheting, quilting. I might say I'm handmade crafts artist and returning student starting this fall. Let's pretend they say OH! what's your medium? You can say creative quilting and crocheting. You could even say you hope to be showing some works in the coming year.

How does that feel to you? It gets you out of that what do you do/what do you do volley. And, it's just presenting the truth in a new package. When I was unemployed I said I was self-employed -- because it was true. I would babysit, freelance, whatever it took to get food and gas--legally.

When you note you're trying to stay motivated with housework is that your housework or are you doing housework for others?

I am just nervous about what to say when I am asked what I do for a living.

Why not just say you've been a stay-at-home mum who is, now that your daughter is older, going back to school in the fall to become a paralegal? No lies involved - cuz technically, it's true. They don't have to know (and probably won't ask) why you decided to be a stay-at-home mum. In fact, they'll probably envy you. Being a stay-at-home mum is a luxury these days. Good luck hun!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Especially since you're headed to a career in the law, please revisit what I wrote-- in no way did I propose you lie. Ann referenced lying, too. Harumph!! So I'm going to point something out. I advised...

"For example, if I were doing what you're doing now, preparing to go school, crocheting, quilting. I might say I'm handmade crafts artist (TRUE) and returning student starting this fall (TRUE). Let's pretend they say OH! what's your medium? You can say creative quilting and crocheting. (TRUE-creativity is subjective)You could even say you hope to be showing some works in the coming year." (AND TRUE, you'll be showing them to someone even if it's a family member--didn't say gallery or crafts fair, just said 'showing')

That's running with the truth. I don't advise people to lie because you can get backed into a corner and that's more painful than the social awkwardness you're trying to avoid. However, I do heartily endorse creative packaging when it serves to push away the all-too-frequently-asked and often intrusive " What do YOU do?" question. And, you were concerned about how to field it.

But.... I did get the feeling from what Idee said that she was thinking she needed to make something up to hide the fact that she hadn't been working. I know the feeling. It can be difficult to admit that you haven't be "contributing to society" by working a paying job and paying the resultant taxes etc. - even when you don't throw hiv into the mix.

[rant]

All too often people don't realise the positive effect on society when a parent is able to stay at home during a child's early years. Parenting is seen as a part time job secondary to an "earning" job, but then when things go wrong and a kid gets into trouble, people always want to blame the parents. ie - "they weren't there." It's fucked up.

I wish society were more geared to the nurturing of small/young children. I wish society made sure it enabled one parent (I'm not going to be sexist by insisting it has to be the mother) stay at home while children are young without the whole family suffering and going homeless or having to choose between adequate household heating or food.

Far more children are living below the poverty line in both the UK and the US (and world-wide in general) than there are any other demographic. Is this really how we "nurture" our future generations? When society wilfully neglects it's youngest (and oldest) members, something has gone terribly wrong.

Ok, shut me up now before I really start ranting!

[/rant]

Idee, your daughter is lucky she had your time as she was growing up. That's something for you to be proud of, so don't ever let what other people think of stay-at-home mums bother you. You were both lucky and anyone who says otherwise is just jealous.

You seem like a really fun person, someone who would be nice to have around. Hold your head high, put a smile on your face (even sometimes when you feel nervous and don't feel like smiling) and I'm sure you'll find friends. You've already found friends here after putting yourself "out there" on the internet, now you just need to do it in "real life"! I'm sure you'll be fine. Just believe in yourself. You're strong, you're a survivor and you can do it! We're all rooting for you - we got your back.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts