My parents live on the other side of the country. I can be as observent as I want, but short of asking I have no way of knowing what they already have.

And if someone got annoyed with me for needing to ask, that would be the last time I bought them something.

Even then, there are better ways to go about it than straight up asking them.

It's kinda hurtful to be told that there "are better ways" when this is literally the only way that works for some of us. Sure, there are better ways for you, but please, please, please believe us that that isn't the case for everybody.

Twik put it perfectly.

Agreed. If I don't ask, then I may end up getting mom duplicate books or something she can't use. "Mom, can you give me some gift suggestions for you and dad?" is the best solution I've got.

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If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

But the Camp A person thinks they *are* putting thought into it. In their plan, the first step is to do research to select an appropriate gift, and what better source for the type of gift their target wants, than the target themselves?

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

But the Camp A person thinks they *are* putting thought into it. In their plan, the first step is to do research to select an appropriate gift, and what better source for the type of gift their target wants, than the target themselves?

To me, that's the difference between getting the right answer to a maths problem because you sat and figured it out, and getting the right answer because you asked the teacher what the answer was.

If you are camp A, it's the gift that matters, for camp 1 it's the process of selecting the gift that matters.

Thanks! Actually, as an aside, when I was involved in teaching labs at uni, we noticed that group F always seemd to fare worse than group A, even though groups were randomly assigned.

At one point, we toyed with the idea of naming all of the groups something that wouldn't imply a pecking order, but that felt too much like treating the undergrads like children ("What lab group are you in?" "The red group!").

But the Camp A person thinks they *are* putting thought into it. In their plan, the first step is to do research to select an appropriate gift, and what better source for the type of gift their target wants, than the target themselves?

To me, that's the difference between getting the right answer to a maths problem because you sat and figured it out, and getting the right answer because you asked the teacher what the answer was.

It sounds to me like Camp 1 consists of the people who get moody and broody, and then when their SO asks what the matter is, complain, "You shouldn't have to ask!"

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

But the Camp A person thinks they *are* putting thought into it. In their plan, the first step is to do research to select an appropriate gift, and what better source for the type of gift their target wants, than the target themselves?

To me, that's the difference between getting the right answer to a maths problem because you sat and figured it out, and getting the right answer because you asked the teacher what the answer was.

It sounds to me like Camp 1 consists of the people who get moody and broody, and then when their SO asks what the matter is, complain, "You shouldn't have to ask!"

I don't think that's quite the same thing. I'm very much a camp 1 person, and I never play those games.

In a spousal dispute, the goal is to resolve the dispute in a way that leaves both parties feeling respected and listened to. This can't be achieved if the issue can't even be properly discussed!

When a gift is given, the goal is to make the recipient feel loved and cherished. The method of achieving that depends (IMO) on the whether the recipient is in camp 1 or camp A. So it's different.

But the Camp A person thinks they *are* putting thought into it. In their plan, the first step is to do research to select an appropriate gift, and what better source for the type of gift their target wants, than the target themselves?

To me, that's the difference between getting the right answer to a maths problem because you sat and figured it out, and getting the right answer because you asked the teacher what the answer was.

If you are camp A, it's the gift that matters, for camp 1 it's the process of selecting the gift that matters.

I'd rather liken it to the difference between sitting and figuring it out vs. asking the teacher which method to use. We're not asking for the answer, we're asking for directions.

If I asked somebody what they wanted for Christmas and they only told me one thing, I'd keep asking. Because I don't want them to know what I'm getting them, but want some ideas to play around with.

But the Camp A person thinks they *are* putting thought into it. In their plan, the first step is to do research to select an appropriate gift, and what better source for the type of gift their target wants, than the target themselves?

To me, that's the difference between getting the right answer to a maths problem because you sat and figured it out, and getting the right answer because you asked the teacher what the answer was.

If you are camp A, it's the gift that matters, for camp 1 it's the process of selecting the gift that matters.

I'd rather liken it to the difference between sitting and figuring it out vs. asking the teacher which method to use. We're not asking for the answer, we're asking for directions.

If I asked somebody what they wanted for Christmas and they only told me one thing, I'd keep asking. Because I don't want them to know what I'm getting them, but want some ideas to play around with.

Which I guess illustrates that there's a right way and a wrong way to ask for help. When I was a teacher, I'd always help students who wanted to know the basic method of a problem. (Which in this analogy is 'give me some general gift ideas'.)

I was less forgiving of those who wanted me to basically do it for them. (Which in this analogy is 'give me specifics'.)

But the Camp A person thinks they *are* putting thought into it. In their plan, the first step is to do research to select an appropriate gift, and what better source for the type of gift their target wants, than the target themselves?

To me, that's the difference between getting the right answer to a maths problem because you sat and figured it out, and getting the right answer because you asked the teacher what the answer was.

If you are camp A, it's the gift that matters, for camp 1 it's the process of selecting the gift that matters.

I'd rather liken it to the difference between sitting and figuring it out vs. asking the teacher which method to use. We're not asking for the answer, we're asking for directions.

If I asked somebody what they wanted for Christmas and they only told me one thing, I'd keep asking. Because I don't want them to know what I'm getting them, but want some ideas to play around with.

This! My DH and I have evolved an approach to gift-giving occasions that sometimes seems odd to others, but really works for us. Basically, what we tend to do when we know there's a gift-giving occasion coming up, is go to some of our favorite shops together. And while browsing, if one of us sees something we'd like, we point it out and say "HINT."

That gives us both a list of items we know for sure the other person wants and will enjoy. We're also both free to buy something that wasn't "hinted" for. So I guess it's kind of a combination of the two approaches, in a way.

For Christmas, we tend to do one practical gift each, and then one or two fun items. DH knows I love to cook and bake, but he doesn't always know which items I'd find the most useful. Conversely, DH has some hobbies I'm not really into. So the hinting process is really helpful for that.

Like I said, it may be kind of odd, but we find it fun, and it works for us.