As a child of the beeper generation, I was fortunate enough to have parents who both cared about my well-being and instilled a great deal of personal responsibility for all of my possessions. That’s why I find myself having so many “GET OFF MY LAWN” moments lately, what with all of these whipper snappers and their iThis and iThat thingamadiddies. Today’s kids are spoiled rotten and they are the reason that America is spiraling into the pits of heck.

Fortunately, there are still some great kids out there and they owe their good standing to parents who hold them accountable and want more for them than just a high score in Bejeweled. Take, for instance, Janell Burley Hofmann, a mother of 5 and writer, who agreed to give her oldest son, Gregory, the iPhone that he desperately wanted for Christmas.

Janell posted the entire contract with her son to her blog and it’s all pretty fantastic. I bolded my favorite rules, but this story gives me a little more hope for the future of humanity. If only we could raise all of our children in a sext-free world, we might be able to fight off Idiocracy after all.

1. It is my phone. I bought it. I pay for it. I am loaning it to you. Aren’t I the greatest?

2. I will always know the password.

3. If it rings, answer it. It is a phone. Say hello, use your manners. Do not ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads “Mom” or “Dad”. Not ever.

4. Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 7:30pm every school night & every weekend night at 9:00pm. It will be shut off for the night and turned on again at 7:30am. If you would not make a call to someone’s land line, wherein their parents may answer first, then do not call or text. Listen to those instincts and respect other families like we would like to be respected.

5. It does not go to school with you. Have a conversation with the people you text in person. It’s a life skill. *Half days, field trips and after school activities will require special consideration.

6. If it falls into the toilet, smashes on the ground, or vanishes into thin air, you are responsible for the replacement costs or repairs. Mow a lawn, babysit, stash some birthday money. It will happen, you should be prepared.

7. Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being. Do not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a good friend first or stay the hell out of the crossfire.

8. Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person.

9. Do not text, email, or say anything to someone that you would not say out loud with their parents in the room. Censor yourself.

10. No porn. Search the web for information you would openly share with me. If you have a question about anything, ask a person ? preferably me or your father.

11. Turn it off, silence it, put it away in public. Especially in a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with another human being. You are not a rude person; do not allow the iPhone to change that.

12. Do not send or receive pictures of your private parts or anyone else’s private parts. Don’t laugh. Someday you will be tempted to do this despite your high intelligence. It is risky and could ruin your teenage/college/adult life. It is always a bad idea. Cyberspace is vast and more powerful than you. And it is hard to make anything of this magnitude disappear — including a bad reputation.

13. Don’t take a zillion pictures and videos. There is no need to document everything. Live your experiences. They will be stored in your memory for eternity.

14. Leave your phone home sometimes and feel safe and secure in that decision. It is not alive or an extension of you. Learn to live without it. Be bigger and more powerful than FOMO — fear of missing out.

15. Download music that is new or classic or different than the millions of your peers that listen to the same exact stuff. Your generation has access to music like never before in history. Take advantage of that gift. Expand your horizons.

16. Play a game with words or puzzles or brain teasers every now and then.

17. Keep your eyes up. See the world happening around you. Stare out a window. Listen to the birds. Take a walk. Talk to a stranger. Wonder without googling.

18. You will mess up. I will take away your phone. We will sit down and talk about it. We will start over again. You & I, we are always learning. I am on your team. We are in this together.
It is my hope that you can agree to these terms. Most of the lessons listed here do not just apply to the iPhone, but to life. You are growing up in a fast and ever changing world. It is exciting and enticing. Keep it simple every chance you get. Trust your powerful mind and giant heart above any machine. I love you. I hope you enjoy your awesome new iPhone. Merry Christmas!

until I saw the check of $7590, I have faith that my mother in law woz realy bringing in money parttime at there labtop.. there uncle started doing this 4 only 23 months and as of now paid the dept on there condo and purchased a brand new Fiat Panda. go to, FLY38.ℂom

I thought it would be easier to make that statement than to go on some insane rant, but in an attempt to save face. Here is why i think this contract is absolute horse shit:

Firstly, the demands of the contract are simply ridiculous. It acts as some sort of mortgage-esque legal document which she full well knows he won’t be able to follow and is waiting to pounce on. She says that it’s a phone answer it, but then demands that he doesn’t text anyone. She also ask’s that he speaks to strangers and often goes out with out his phone. Does she live in the 21st century? Going out without a phone not only makes your social life fucking retarded (organising things, calling people to let them know you’re late etc) but also is quite dangerous for such a young kid. The idea that people text each other than talk to each other when they can do so is some farce that they use in tv shows to exaggerate text addicts. What about not taking a zillion photos, why can’t he document his life digitally as well. I didn’t know that when you take a photo of something you don’t store it in your memory (a memory that she thinks is fail proof and is so powerful that every waking second can be remember with a click of the fingers).

Secondly as many others have stated, why publisize this trash? because she is an attention seeking psycho. The only reason some agree with her is due to the fact that her crazy rules are intertwined with things that are just common sense, like not being rude and no dick pics. She doesn’t need a contract with her son to teach him about these things. Just have a talk like stated at the end of the contract before the mistakes happen. In my opinion a serious parental talk will do much more than some bullshit contract.

Rant over, I hope you read this Burnsy. Sorry for any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes.

She does not insist that he can’t text anyone. When she says to talk to a stranger, I’m going to assume she means to be friendly, say “hello”, that sort of thing. I doubt she’s advising him to approach men in cargo vans asking for candy. And since he’s 13, I doubt he’s making any cross country treks all by his lonesome, so yes, it’s perfectly reasonable that he leave the house without his phone. She doesn’t say that he can’t ever take his phone with him, but that he should occasionally venture out without it. The idea that you must have a phone on you at all times to be safe is part of the growing culture of fear and paranoia that has taken over our society, and the idea that you can’t have a social life without being attached to a phone is EXACTLY the point she’s trying to convey about the “fear of missing out.” Going without it also means that he has to be better about planning and thinking ahead rather than leaving everything to the last minute, which is also not a terrible skill for a kid to develop.

She did not tell him that he can’t ever take pictures or videos. What she said is for him to not do it constantly. Presumably, this is to help prevent the kind of self-obsessed narcissism that is being bred into recent generations (my own included) and pervades the internet, fueled by social media bullshit. No one needs to document every moment of their life, nor do they need to share it. Maybe not being rude and no dick pics should be common sense, but it’s obviously not getting through to everyone. Only saying what you would say to someone’s face and in front of their parents may not be the easiest (or most realistic) thing to abide by, but it’s her way of making the point that your words and/or pictures don’t always stay with their intended recipient.

Parents aren’t all angry, vindictive assholes waiting to pounce on their kids for disobeying, and I fail to see why it’s a problem to lay out ground rules. It’s not like she took this to an attorney or had it notarized; it’s just her way of reaching out to her kid and creating an opening for a conversation. She’s trying to teach him not to become over-reliant on technology and caught up in the constant flow of texting and social media. As for her taking it public, yeah, probably not the greatest idea, but it’s also not that big of a deal. I think maybe “attention seeking psycho” is a bit much.

Obviously she isn’t advising him to talk to strangers and yes I highly doubt a 13 year old will be taking cross country trips, but how is that the only form of danger. I’m not saying that he should live in fear and paranoia, however it is good to have his phone on his person, in case of an emergency. If you are running late getting home or are lost you can easily call your parents and ask them for help. You can still take your phone with you but not be on it, which would be far more useful than it sitting at home. This device has been created, because its easier to stay in contact with others. Yes it’s always good to plan ahead, but so many last minute things in today’s society mean that anything can change.

Look, no where in my argument did I say parents are all vindictive assholes, but she seems to think that all sending dick pics is some sort of right of passage. Yes there have been cases of kids still doing it, but im sure if someone had statistics of how many kids actually do it, it would be extremely low. I understand your point of view, but so many of your stances go, maybe following this rule is harsh or difficult, nevertheless she wants him to understand this or that. The harsh fact is that, socialising with out a phone is severely difficult, not having Facebook is one thing, not having a phone is bad in any situation, business or social.

Taking the contract to an attorney would have been the closest thing she could do to being full on psycho, but even having it in written form is bad enough. It doesn’t open up dialogue between parent and child, if anything it does the opposite, the written word removes any need for dialogue ( similar to her fear of texting, which believe she is fully opposed to). It also creates an employee employer relationship between him and her. Another point I saw below which I liked, was the fact that it is a present, how can she claim she is loaning it to him, what kind of message is that?

I agree with your social media bullshit, but there aren’t only two sides of the coin; not taking photos or taking photos and uploading them to instagram or facebook. People took photos before and created albums for private use, they can still do that

Vlad, I think the main problem in our dialogue is that you seem to view phones as being a necessity whereas I see them as a convenience (with some professional exceptions). I think all this lady is trying to do is encourage moderation and keep her kid from being obsessed over his phone, and I took the contract to be a little more light-hearted on her part than you apparently did. The rules being written down is not really any different than if they’d been told to him, except now he loses the usual cadre of bullshit excuses like “you never told me/I didn’t know/I forgot.”

What you said about him needing a phone if he gets lost or something makes sense, except he’s only 13. He’s not driving, and he’s likely not walking anywhere except school and back or to a friend’s house. And again, this is a situation where a regular old flip phone would work just fine. Same goes for the whole socializing thing. He doesn’t need an IPhone to be able to socialize with his friends. As far as her loaning it to him, the message is if you break the rules, you will lose it. It’s no different than having his Xbox taken away, having his toys taken away when he was younger, or having the car keys taken away when he’s a few years older. When you are a child living at home, anything you “own” is at your parents’ discretion. If I tell my son he can’t have an Iphone and he goes out and buys one on his own, too goddamn bad. I told him he can’t have it. I’ll snatch that shit from him in a heartbeat and then ground him on top of it for being a dumbass just to drive the point home. That’s the unfortunate part of being a kid and having parents who actually pay attention and have expectations for their behavior.

Just for the record, my kid (14) has a phone. We got it because he has a two mile walk to school. He’s allowed to take it with him to school, but he knows it’s to be shut off once he gets there. He also knows that if we check his account and there are texts during school hours or after his bedtime, he loses the phone. And no, it’s not a smart phone because no.

It’s interesting that we have different views on how important a phone is, a phone is a necessity in my opinion, but it can be taken away in a punishment. I understand your point of a written contract being the same as an oral one (haha oral), but if it’s the same, why does it require the effort and planning of its wording etc. I understand that anything at home is at the parents’ discretion, but it doesn’t mean the child is not the owner. I would say my biggest problem with this topic, is the fact that she is both; patronising him by not treating him as a mature person and taking away his experiences as a child. Why parent’s feel the need to iron out every crease that life will throw at their kids is fascinating to me (i understand it, but can’t seem to truly comprehend it).

It’s also strange how differently we interpreted the intonation of the contract itself. Nothing about it, sounded light hearted to me. How you raise you son seems extremely reasonable and just (not that you need my praise or acceptance) but she buys him a smart phone and then almost immediately puts restrictions on how he can use it. Thats what I think is cruel, sorry if my earlier points were frased in a rude manner, I lost my cool. Also why does he have to walk across the town or drive in order to need his phone for safety reasons, dont get me wrong I dont think its a requirement neither is it the main part of my argument, but using a phone doesn’t make you shut yourself off from the rest of the world.

That was my thought as well. Also it seems the kid can’t really use it for anything. Can’t use it in public. Can’t use it after 7:30pm. Can’t use it in school (lunches? study hall? between classes?) Even fracking field trips and half-days of school aren’t a given. Can’t have a private conversation. A lot of these are good rules but Jesus, why even bother.

Oh yeah, can’t take a multitude pictures or videos either. I’m not saying the kid should live through the camera but who decides what “a zillion” is? Is the mom going to erase the kid’s pictures if she thinks he’s taken too many?

As much as I admire the parenting skill displayed in the rules, the fact that she posted them to a blog (and then went on TV) kind of undermines it. A lot of those rules are based on the importance of privacy and mitigating the problems we see with the ability to rapidly share information. Do the right thing for the right reasons and shut up about it for once.

I kind of see her point. A lot of people do things now just for the sake of posting a picture to facebook, so I at least see where she’s coming from. Also, I went to a restaurant for lunch yesterday and a mom and dad with two boys around 8 were on their phones the entire time, not talking to each other or their children. That can’t be good in the long run.

Forgetting that the language of the contract is insanely condescending, and that the time restrictions are ridiculous, this is unfortunately the kind of list that will make his social life suffer rather than expand like his mother hopes it will.

She’s operating under the assumption that teenagers will be more than happy to adhere to the rules she’s placed on her son, and not just ignore him because it’s too difficult to contact him. “Growing up in a fast and ever changing world” is a bit more difficult when you’re restricted in the most common type of connection that world now uses.

There’s only really two scenarios here. He either

A) Happily accepts these rules and grows up to be just as condescending as his mother

or

B) Resists the rules, complying only as long as it takes to get to college and away from his mother, and subsequently resents her for having stunted his social development.

Iphones are $200 (cheapest model) with a 2 yr contract ($600 without) and then approx $100 a month after that (if you never go over your data/msgs/minutes or damage your phone or have ins on your device and without accesories) So at minimum that’s $2600 dollars for the life of the contract. That’s a hell of a lot of lawns to mow!!! And then there is the $4/gal gas that he would have to buy to run the lawnmower, assuming he either can use his Mom’s lawnmower or the homeowner’s for his lucrative lawnmowing business. Better start charging 100 bucks a lawn!

First off, these rules are mostly bullshit and anyone under 40 can realize that. 7:30 on a weeknight? Really? When is this kids bedtime? He literally has the entire world on the tip of his fingertips, and you are taking it away from him at 7:30 p.m. Assuming his bedtime is around 8:30-9 (which is even maybe a little early) why remove access to his phone before that time?

You will always know the password? No porn? Don’t take videos and pictures? WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK. Any teenager knows that hiding things from your parents, looking at porn, and taking unnecessary pictures and videos with your friends is like three of the top things to do. It is called growing up, let the kid experience fucking life without the bullshit weight of your ridiculous rules.

Why even give him the phone? He can use it for a total of 4 hours each day, can’t bring it in public, can’t use it in school (even non-class time). Can’t download the music he wants. He is a teenager holy shit.

Second, do you really need to overcompensate for whatever self esteem issues that you have BY MAKING THIS PUBLIC TO THE ENTIRE WORLD. It’s bad enough you are batshit crazy and insanely overprotective of your child, but you feel the need to brag about it?

I will politely agree with your angry rant. She is not a good parent, and not a good role model.

I will also note to Burnsy that baby boomers are actually reason everything’s going to hell in a handbasket. I know the reason for this might be hard for a St. Louis Cardinals fan like him to grasp, but it’s because baby boomers are the ones in charge of the vast majority of the world right now.

Yeah I can’t believe this post was in praise of this woman. I knew from the very first rule that she was awful. It doesn’t matter that you paid for the phone, you gave it to your kid as a Christmas gift so it’s his now. I could go through each rule and dissect how ridiculous they are, but i’ll just go after the other one that really stuck out. Telling him what kind of music he can download on there? really? Seriously, fuck this bitch.

i was given a pretty nice phone around what looks like his age. i didn’t have to sign a fucking contract with my mom, have restrictions on what i could privately talk about with my friends, what type of music i could listen to (remember it has nothing to do with profanity, she just doesn’t want him following trends), hand it in at 7:30 at night, etc. and i still retain a healthy sense of responsibility and decent morals. if you think this ladies sense of parenting is smart and reasonable then you are insane.

Look she’s obviously going overboard in a lot of these areas, but is that really any worse than just handing out several thousand dollars worth of tech and associated costs with no restrictions? Look at all the news stories of kids killing themselves because of cyber bullying, the stories of kids having naked pictures posted online for all to see. You never hear much about the parents of the bullies or the kids who posted the pictures. Most likely, the parents had no idea what was going on.

I’m not saying that many of these rules aren’t crazy-they are; but your posts are pretty crazy as well. You’ve basically said that kids deserve the latest and greatest, paid for by the parents with no restrictions. Kyle’s mom might be a bitch, but she’s a lot better than Cartman’s mom.

“You’ve basically said that kids deserve the latest and greatest, paid for by the parents with no restrictions”

actually, no, i’m not saying that.

maybe it wasn’t implied, but i think the right thing to do would be to have a healthy continuous dialogue with your kid so they naturally have the values you want them to have without forcing those values on them with a “contract”. that’s so overbearing the kid’s only going to swing dramatically in the other direction.

obviously he’s young enough to where there should be some rules, but she’s going way overboard and the news report video and the blog post praising her for this shit is pretty terrible. i knew kids with mom’s like this. their life was a living hell. this type of parenting doesn’t do anybody any favors.

i’m thinking about this way more than i should but i keep having more questions. how the hell did they get on the news for this? the boy seems awfully comfortable and enthused to publicly broadcast that his mother is an overbearing psycho, does he realize he just signed his death warrant in school? is this clear lack of understanding the social rules of middle school because of his mother’s parenting?

well, i know the answer to that last question and it’s absolutely “yes”

A co-worker without kids sent this to me because I have kids. None of them have a smart phone, but I am pretty sure the oldest kid in the house has already sent a photo of his penis across the gulf of the internet.

Two things: 1) why/how the fuck is this news? B) she forgot to include “When you go to a concert, do not be one of those dipshits who records the whole thing and watches the entire show through their tiny fucking phone screen – real people will hate you if you do this.

Why does a 13 year old need a phone in the first place?? Seems like the mom is aware of the fact that so many people get absorbed in their phone (guilty sometimes myself) so why give someone one who doesn’t even really need it?

in this day and age, 13 year olds definitely need cell phones. if for no other reason than to keep in touch with their parents for rides to and from extra curricular activities, the mall on the weekends, etc

How is any of that a justification for a phone? I think phones for kids are a good idea (safety reasons at the very least), but none of the needs you listed are any different now than they were in 1992.

This is excellent. I know times have changed but I didn’t get a cell phone until I was 18. I wish it was still this way. I have a 2 year old and I dread the day when he realizes that all of his friends have phones. Kids need to realize that: 1. they are not entitled to anything. 2. they are supposed to respect, honor and obey their parents and 3. if they want to have nice things (iPhone, etc.) those things come with responsibility.

I do think a few of the rules are a tad strict, especially putting the phone away at 7:30 p.m., but it is always easier to ease up the rules once kids prove themselves, rather than give them free reign from the start, then only to realize they need rules. By then it’s usually too late.

Kneel before Zog! 1) what do you mean your kids aren’t entitled to anything, that is such a selfish thing to say as a parent. Yes maybe not to mobile phones or xbox’s, but take that stick from out your ass. Surely you got joy from giving your kids stuff they wanted, I’m not talking about spoiling them, but rewarding them. 2) obey their parents? surely it would be easier to just get into the illegal slave trade than have children. 3) I agree with your third point.

As a parent of two, I think this woman might be the most sanctimonius, self-righteous, smug, and out of touch mother I’ve heard about recently. This isn’t the way real life operates. This isn’t the way kids operate. Her demands are entirely unrealistic and will likely cause considerable friction and disappointment as they are unenforceable.
So Janelle Burley Hoffman, life does not work like that, I’m sorry. Do your best to raise your child with these values, enforce them with your action, you can’t write something out to make up for lack of basic human decency. Don’t belittle your children by making them sign contracts. It will only lead to resentment. Although as others have pointed out, this is likely not a parenting move, it’s likely something you’ve written to share how clever you are and promote yourself.

Memo to this crazy woman: controlling every aspect of your teenager’s life and social interactions will turn him into either a sociopath or a real life Buster Bluth. What adult man never once looked at porn as a teenager? You’re seriously telling him taking pictures is a bad thing? And god forbid he buy a Katy Perry song!

I’d rather have some shitty old flip phone (which I do) and not have to deal with this shit. Really, a little too much. Actually, the more authoritarian rules (3-5) would probably apply even with a flip phone, so I’d just forgo the phone idea altogether. Of course, I’m not a teenager, so I’ve got a little perspective that this kid probably doesn’t.