My Mid-Life Crisis

I have a big birthday coming up in <2 weeks. Like New Years and other “milestones” this one, too, has me thinking (a dangerous past time). Once again I am reflecting on my life – what I have accomplished, what I had hoped to accomplish by now, and also realizing what I was missing in my youth.

The age old saying “youth is wasted on the young” continues to echo throughout my mind as I keep coming back to the same thought(s): when I was younger I could have done anything; why did I spend my time partying/working for the man/dating losers/etc?

At this point, perhaps you, my lovely readers, want to know how I came to be in this so-called crisis–so let me elaborate.

Starting in January I started taking a pole dancing class (yes, the type of class that teaches you stripper moves). I have truly enjoyed it, since it combines athleticism, dancing, and being sexy — all 3 of which make me feel really great. In fact I enjoyed it so much I was wondering how to take it to the next level – maybe even get good enough I could perform (and more in a competition, than a day-, well actually night- since I already have a day-, job). After very little research it became quite apparent that I was kind of on the old-side to be pole-dancing in front of any type of audience. And then I had the thought “I wish I had tried this when I was younger (although not as a night-job as a sport)” and this made me realize – I am getting to the point in my life where there are goals that may not to make sense to pursue. I used to think I could do anything (still do actually), but now, some things just don’t seem to be “appropriate”.

And so besides realizing that my body just isn’t that of an 18-25 year old; I was also forced to face a version of what I once was (only better).

I was asked to meet with this young girl and talk to her about her career. As I sat across from her sipping my tea and listening to her describe her accomplishments and future goals and plans, I realized I used to be that girl. But somehow things slowed down. When I was 18, 21, 25, I had these lofty ambitious goals laid out for myself — I had 5 and 10 year plans. Yet somehow I managed to let them slip past me, and here I am, still accomplished, but far from where I had set out to be on my path (and unlike most people, I don’t have the excuse of children, etc).

Which brings me to a very open question – what now?

I am still not sure. I am definitely not the timid, introverted, insecure little girl trying to find happiness – in fact I wake up most days with the utmost thankfulness for all the happiness and blessings that surround my life. Yet, especially now, I still feel like I should have done more, accomplished more, achieved more, and I can’t help wondering why I didn’t realize all of this 10 years ago (hell, even 5 years ago).

So I am not sure what is next, but like every other year, and every other milestone that has crossed my path, I am going to set some goals and try and toil to achieve them. I guess only time will tell what will actually come next.

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Kate is known as one of the top technology leaders and CTOs. Her technical background is in creating and operating large-scale web applications. Her focus has primarily rested on SaaS applications and big data. She has extensive experience building and managing high-performance teams, and considers herself a fan of agile development practices and the lean startup movement. She is currently founding her own startup, popforms, but has held roles as developer, project manager, product manager, and people manager at great companies including Amazon and Microsoft. The last seven years she has been a VP of Engineering/CTO for companies like Moz, Decide (acquired by eBay), and Delve Networks (acquired by Limelight).
Kate is a keynote speaker, and she is also the curator of the Technology and Leadership Newsletter (TLN - www.techleadershipnews.com) and has a personal blog at katemats.com.