A Whisperhttps://sussurus.wordpress.com
Of important things and the not so; of whims; of learning; of dreams; of everything and nothingSun, 24 Sep 2017 10:31:28 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://s2.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.pngA Whisperhttps://sussurus.wordpress.com
Of passion and interestshttps://sussurus.wordpress.com/2014/07/23/of-passion-and-interests/
https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2014/07/23/of-passion-and-interests/#commentsWed, 23 Jul 2014 13:27:15 +0000http://sussurus.wordpress.com/?p=637]]>Note: Yes, it has been awhile but this blog is and always will be in my mind. You will soon see why I’ve stayed away for so long.

I love the written word. I remember, that as soon as I learned my ABC’s, I would “read” a magazine and say every letter of an article out loud to anyone who cared to listen. When I did learn to read for real, I read every chance I could. Scarcity of children’s books in my home – we didn’t have enough money and there were no libraries around – made reading even more enticing.

When I was 12, my grandparents finished building their dream home just in time for their 50th anniversary. It was a big celebration and most of my family traveled from Mindanao to Luzon to visit my grandparents. What I loved most about that house was an area beneath the stairs, full of books – including a collection of hard bound books written for young adults, of biographies and Hans Christian Andersen’s fairy tales. In a time when there was no Google, I was introduced to diverse historical figures such as Helen Keller and John Quincy Adams. That place looked so magical then that years later, when I visited as an adult who has traveled extensively, I couldn’t believe how small and unimpressive that space was.

I mention these because I have been in a state of indecision, particularly with what I want to do as a career. Recent motherhood and the economics of childcare vs. two working parents, have definitely factored into the decision-making. Having co-founded a startup and with a fresh MBA, I always thought that it is in my best interest to work for a big corporate firm to further my skills and to experience working in such an environment. Other than the fact that I only perfunctorily job-hunted, I was having second thoughts with this grand plan. Is that what I really want to do? Do I really want to abandon my daughter every weekday to an almost stranger so I can work 9-5 at a job I may not enjoy, end up disliking and get paid below market because of my relative inexperience? Never mind that I work hard and smart (this is not me blowing my own horn, this is actually from several feedback sessions with former teammates)?

With the help of D. and other family members, I brainstormed on what I love and three things consistently came up: technology, fashion and writing. Unfortunately, searching for job boards out there, we couldn’t find one that says: “If you love technology, fashion and writing, then come work for us.” Or at least, it’s not as clear cut. During one of my brainstorming sessions while nursing (of course, when do you think I have time to do this?), I realized that I will create that job. I am in a financial position, thanks to D., to be free to do what I want and still care for my daughter. I’m already writing, thanks to this blog. What I needed though is definition: what should I write about exactly? The result of that is: www.quiddityof.com.

quid·di·ty

noun: quiddity

the inherent nature or essence of someone or something.

a distinctive feature; a peculiarity.

plural noun: quiddities

“his quirks and quiddities”

Watching the video above only solidified my resolve. Fashion and technology are my interests and writing is my passion. It is time to face that head-on and start – no more excuses, especially when I am gifted with a financial freedom such as this. Though at some point (working on this), I do plan to make money out of it

If you have followed me here on my personal journey, I hope that you will also follow me on my professional journey. I will be keeping this as a journal of sorts, while I write about technology and fashion on Quiddity. If you enjoy my writing, feel free to share it, comment on it – whether it’s just to cheer me on or provide some feedback.

That’s how old my daughter is. That number seems so short but compared to her/my growth and the gamut of emotions I’ve experienced, that number can translate to a lifetime.

Pardon me while the subject of motherhood engulfs me. Let me count the ways so far:

The pride I felt when she first raised her head while doing tummy time. The relief when she started sleeping longer than 2 hours at a time during the night (then there’s that 7 hour episode – can it please happen again soon?). The overwhelming joy of rubbing my face against her soft hair when I hold her sleeping in my arms.

Then there is the other part: the sinking feeling in my stomach when she keeps crying even though she’s been fed. The loneliness of feeding her in the middle of the night. The floating feeling due to sleep deprivation. The stress of having a to-do list and being unable to check anything off.

The hard part of these two sides of motherhood is that the consequences of the first part are intangible: she will grow up secure in the knowledge that she has a mother who loves her. Lots of sleep means her brain development can progress normally. She’s getting stronger physically everyday.

The second part on the other hand are very much real and in-your-face: the unsent resume, the unread emails, the dirty dishes, the pajamas that I’ve been wearing since last night. I could go on. The funny part is that I started this post 2 nights ago and have since lost my thread of thought. And that’s exactly the point, parenting disrupts the flow, that uninterrupted immersion and enjoyment in an activity. D. can somehow stick to the flow despite the crying baby, the unchanged diaper, the dirty dishes while I struggle. Flow for me has never been effortless but it has only gotten worse. There has been very few times that I have been in the zone – Muay Thai is actually one of those times when it was easy – and I miss those times. These days, almost every activity gets interrupted, every thought. And I sometimes wonder, how do other people do it?

If you’re a new parent (or not) like me who’s struggling, I highly recommend this book: “All Joy and No Fun” by Jennifer Senior. It doesn’t help with the flow but at least it helps me understand and give voice to that other side of parenting. And yes, I read this on my phone while breastfeeding at 3 AM.

P.S. It’s 10:30 AM and my daughter has been napping for 2 hours now which is how I’m able to finish this. And yet, I already miss her and I want her awake. Funny, isn’t it?

]]>https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/6-weeks-and-4-days/feed/1sussurusIMG_20140304_103950Before and after and the 5 things I’ve learned so farhttps://sussurus.wordpress.com/2014/02/05/before-and-after-and-the-5-things-ive-learned-so-far/
https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2014/02/05/before-and-after-and-the-5-things-ive-learned-so-far/#commentsWed, 05 Feb 2014 16:59:45 +0000http://sussurus.wordpress.com/?p=628]]>There is a world of difference between my most recent post and this one. In a word: motherhood. There was before and this is the after.

There is really nothing that can prepare anyone for it. As an avid researcher, I’ve read and scoured scientific and anecdotal advices on how to deal with a newborn and in the end, I’m really just winging it.

The reading has served its purpose: to give me some sense of readiness, some confidence that indeed, I can handle this. But all those advices are thrown out the window when I’m faced with a screaming baby at 2 AM after several days (actually weeks – scratch that, it feels like months) of limited sleep. In all fairness, I’m blessed with a generally calm, healthy and beautiful baby. I have heard some horror stories and – knock on wood – I have been relatively unscathed so far. So what have I learned?

1. Sometimes, you really need to let them cry it out because there are limits to what you can do – feed, change, soothe. Two-way communication is not in the picture just yet.

2. The baby industry is full of products designed to make new parents like me want to buy every product because I’m constantly afraid that I’m doing something wrong and I would be depriving my baby’s developmental path otherwise.

5. It’s okay to cry sometimes. Look, I love my sleep and just the idea that 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep is a cause for celebration brings tears to my eyes especially after months of bad sleep during the pregnancy.

On the positive side, there is no more heartburn from the pregnancy. It’s a different kind of “heart-burn”, if you know what I mean. Because a baby really is precious and fascinating and beautiful to behold.

Of course, this post is short. I have a baby to take care of.

]]>https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2014/02/05/before-and-after-and-the-5-things-ive-learned-so-far/feed/3sussuruswpid-IMG_20140120_182056.jpgMonday blueshttps://sussurus.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/monday-blues/
https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/monday-blues/#respondTue, 07 Jan 2014 03:54:37 +0000http://sussurus.wordpress.com/?p=616]]>Apparently, today, January 6 is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year. I can’t really blame some people for saying, being that the US is going through a polar vortex – right after the holidays. Being that I’m now in Miami, the worst I’m getting are scattered thunderstorms. Yeah, be jealous, be very jealous.

Looking through past posts though, I realize that I used to reserve Mondays for my favorite things! So, let me take some of those Monday blues away by waxing poetic about Christopher Kane’s Resort ’14 collection, specifically this skirt. I like that designers are being inspired by 3D digital imaging because that is certainly one way to stay relevant.

Thanks to Spotify, I’m discovering new songs. Although I did use to listen to Smashing Pumpkins back in the day. I don’t know what the lyrics of this song mean but I find the sound to be very haunting.

]]>https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/what-im-listening-to-right-now/feed/0sussurusA trip through 2013https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/a-trip-through-2013/
https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/a-trip-through-2013/#commentsTue, 31 Dec 2013 18:09:43 +0000http://sussurus.wordpress.com/?p=596]]>It’s been a long hiatus. I can’t believe I went 5 months without writing anything and even before then, I wrote sporadically. That usually happens when there’s too much happening to me; too much to digest; too overwhelming to share. Not only have I imposed a hiatus on blogging, I also refrained from posting too much on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. It was all just too, too much.

Not in a bad way, mind you. It’s just that I found words and even pictures to be too inadequate to describe everything. But, the end of a year forces us to examine what has happened before and find the things to be thankful for. I think that’s a universal feeling.

So what has happened in this amazing year of 2013? I think it best to describe these in buckets rather than in chronological order so bear with me. And just as D. has shown me, bullet lists are just THE best:

1. Traveling. You might recall my brief stay in San Francisco/Palo Alto. Then it was back to Boston/Cambridge where I pretty much was in limbo. It turns out, that feeling was very much justified in so many ways: that was my worst module (equivalent to half a semester), productivity-wise in business school and I found myself heading to Shanghai, China a month later.

Then traveling to Manila, Philippines a few times to see D. while he worked on a startup.

2. Moving/Short-term living in 3 countries. No, I don’t consider Palo Alto to be a separate country though they would like to be considered a separate state. I do count the US, China and Philippines in this list.

3. Graduating. And yes, I graduated from one year of B school “with distinction” at that. Funny how I didn’t know I made the cut. I wanted to and I did work my a$$ off towards the end but I always thought my worst module (see #1 above) would bring all my grades down. It did but I managed to claw my way up. And why wasn’t I informed of this? Probably because I changed my campus to graduate at the last minute. As in, my classmates in Shanghai were already renting their graduation gowns when I emailed Boston to please include me in the graduating class. I arrived in Boston the night before graduation and when I went to the venue in the morning for a practice run, I was surprised to see my name in the top instead of in alphabetical order. But it was only when the MC was practicing calling out our names that I found out I was graduating “with distinction.” I thought that was pretty cool.

4. Expecting. Oh and did I mention that D. and I are expecting? I think this is the crux of what I find hard to explain and to share. Pregnancy is supposed to be this private and intimate thing but the physiology of it makes the experience subject to public scrutiny. I am constantly taken aback when complete strangers ask me when I’m due and whether it’s a boy or a girl. I don’t think I’m ever offended or upset, it’s just… surprising. Despite my presence in social media, I consider myself to be a relatively private person.

It wasn’t all bad because I do get priority access in lines (at least when I was really showing, otherwise D. had to shoulder his way to the front of the airline priority access and say that I have to sit down like now) and there is just a general softening of people towards me somehow. It is quite amazing. For all our cynicism, life in its infancy still astounds us.

So. Am I ready for 2014? I made a statement to a friend that I am torn between anxiety, excitement and this desire to delay the due date because seriously, how am I going to deal with these HUGE changes coming soon? Logistically, I am ready, I think. But in so many ways, I’m really not and that’s okay too. Either way, thank you to 2013 for an amazing year. It was in so many ways, quite a trip.

People always tell me, “Oh, but you’re so skinny.” Even though I don’t feel like it. Even though I’m always self-conscious about my belly. Even though I had to size up within the past year.

But that’s not really the point. The point is that when some people say it, they make it sound like I have it so easy. That I don’t have to worry about my calories because I will “always” look good. And it just pisses me the heck off. So, when I read this article on how a woman spent $7800 on losing weight after pregnancy, I’m a little incredulous.

First off, $7800, even over the course of 12 months is a lot of money. Second, she did not exactly follow a diet plan during pregnancy if the Butterfingers are any indication. Third, I’m amazed at the whole tone of blaming the celebrities for perpetuating the myth that women can easily get back to pre-baby shape.

Don’t get me wrong. I do believe that it is one, big, fat lie. I know that pregnancy changes a woman’s body in sometimes unflattering ways. I believe that it will be extremely difficult to get back in shape. Nine months of growing can’t simply be reduced in less time than that. But I never for one minute think that celebrity weight losses are something that I can easily follow. For one thing, they have lots of money to hire someone to yell at them every single day for several hours a day (or an hour a day) to get their butts off the couch. Plus, it’s their JOB. Maintaining their weight is part of their job.

For normal people like you and me, we have to push ourselves to turn off the TV, put away the junk food and slog our way to the gym. It’s just too much effort.

But that’s exactly my point. It takes a lot of freaking work to be in shape. And I don’t think we spend enough time pointing the fingers at ourselves instead of the media, the celebrities, our neighbors or whoever else we can blame. I’m not talking about kids who really have no idea what they’re eating. I’m talking about full-grown, educated adults who should know better.

My Biology teacher once said: “A minute on your lips, forever on your hips.” And boy, was she right. Whenever I eat that extra french fry (which I had tonight, by the way), I understand the ramifications. Which is why, I will be going to the pool tomorrow to exercise and hit the gym right after to spend a few more minutes cycling. In the old days and I hope they will come again soon, I would train in Muay Thai 2-3 times a week, squeeze in some squash and maybe some swimming. Do I enjoy them? Heck, yeah. But the reason I enjoy them is because I took the time to find something that interests me. Again, with the understanding that if I have to force myself to exercise every single time, then it’s a losing battle. Does it get any easier? Heck, no. It’s intense, it takes time, it costs money but it’s totally worth it.

People think I don’t struggle because, oh, I’m so skinny, aren’t I. Guess what, I work for it, not just in exercise but also in willpower (which I have been lacking these past few days but I do have it). I’ve also invested a lot of time being active long-term with the understanding that with all the temptation of food, diet alone can’t save me. I actually have to move my a$$ and it doesn’t have to cost me $7,800, that’s for darn sure and I take responsibility for every pound that I gain.

(Thanks M.P. for pictures 1 & 3. The rest were taken by a photographer during Muay Thai training camp in Thailand.)

]]>https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/raw-wreck/feed/1sussurusSpring dreaminghttps://sussurus.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/spring-dreaming/
https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/spring-dreaming/#commentsFri, 12 Apr 2013 23:21:30 +0000http://sussurus.wordpress.com/?p=546]]>After 3 days of business simulation or 20++ hours of screen time, I made grand plans of going out for a walk on a Friday night – walk, as in to the nearest bar/comfort food restaurant/dessert bar and I’m assailed by this image:

My resolve vanishes and another night of procrastinating on other “stuff” looms. So, instead I go for women’s porn, which is Net-a-porter – online purveyor of all things luxury. By the way, I’ve used the site since 2007 when it was still Net-a-porter.net out of London. The company was eventually bought out for a $531 valuation in 2010. I should make money out of predicting some of these things then I can just stay in bed and watch the gloomy weather from my window.

Bon alors, enough of that. What I really want to comment on are sandals and how wearable the styles are; there’s not one style that really stands out even though they share the return of a theme: gladiator. But the accents range from metallics to tassels and thanks to operations efficiencies, companies like Zara can quickly offer those same styles for a much lower price. Drool, if you must.

]]>https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/spring-dreaming/feed/4sussurusImageLimbohttps://sussurus.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/limbo/
https://sussurus.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/limbo/#commentsFri, 12 Apr 2013 01:47:14 +0000http://sussurus.wordpress.com/?p=519]]>So I was searching for a word to describe the state of my mind right now and “limbo” came to mind. Being the researcher and data hog that I am, I immediately searched for what limbo means and its etymology. Interestingly, beyond the theological connotation of “edge of hell” from the Latin word limbus, it can also refer to deleted files that can still be restored. Thank you Wikipedia.

Why am I in limbo, you ask? Well, after the last module’s craziness in Cool-ifornia, I find myself with 2 courses. One of them, Finance, I was starting to like because of my fun professor last module but now I’m dreading because I don’t know where my current professor is leading us. The other course has put me smack in the middle of a business simulation where I hardly have an idea of what I’m doing. And because I pride myself on my general management and facilitating skills, I pretty much said “me, me” for the position of President. And my teammates, bless them, allowed me.

So 2 courses that are not holding my interest, spiced with non-school activities – taxes, company (the real one, not the one in simulation) concerns, moving to another continent, student debts, unpacking, then re-packing – I feel a little off and not my usual self. So, how do I save myself? Love, of course D. has been helping.