and other contemplations…

Season’s First Snow

The fatigue has started. I only had to wait for it. The mental and physical fatigue. I can only be thankful that it isn’t an emotional one too.

Despite the weariness, I am happy. I am content. But that has not always been the case. I venture to ask what is different today, what is different now. I still cannot answer. Is it a shift in perspective? Is it a shift in my life stage? It is a shift in my environment? Is it the people surrounding me now as opposed to then?

At the forefront of my brain is the fatigue. But it’s missing all of the hate and dread and anger. It seems foreign. What happened? Maybe I just…matured? Is that all it is?

That seems rather anti-climactic. Or maybe I have a better idea of my life than I think I do. Maybe I have it all subconsciously figured out in the way that leaves me unfettered and calm. I’m suspicious that the anxieties have truly faded away for good.

It’s more likely the security of having a plan for the next four years. It’s all been planned out for me. I just need to pass through the motions, show up on time, and deliver what’s promised. I hope that’s not what it is. I’d prefer it to be more of a contentment with what I see the next ten years of my life to be, whether or not it works out the way that the fantasy world plays out in my head.

For now, I’m embracing the warm feeling, and waiting expectantly for the first snow.