Tuesday, July 20, 2010

158. :(

Ugh, I'm still FAT. 158 lbs. :( Sadness! I even fasted all day yesterday, besides the 300 calorie dinner. Oh well- it's better than 160, right? sigh. I took a new profile picture on my facebook and initially I thought it was adorable- but now all I see is fat.
Well, anyway, I'm trying to fast again today. This morning I thought maybe I would eat today, but I really don't feel like it. Good news is that in less than a week, I'll have reconstructive surgery. Is it bad that one of the reasons I'm really excited about it is that I'll be in constrictive garments for a month, and therefore can't eat much? Maybe after the month of fasting and healing, I'll be 150. Wouldn't that be great? Of course, I'll LOOK so much thinner because my boobs won't be so ridiculous. Seriously, they are- I can't even find a proper bra because NOBODY makes a 34DD. Except for Grandma bras. And even then I can't find anything under a 36DD. I hope that going down to a 34C will look normal on me.
Enough bitching about my weight! I'm going to a bible camp with my wife (read, best friend) K. I've mentioned it before but I'll mention it again, I suppose. She's VERY Mormon- which, you know, is a little awkward- but she's okay with the fact that I'm NOT. I have to tell her youth leader that I am a "Non-Denominational Christian," though, because he would never allow an atheist into his precious camp. Oh no! A humanist! SHE ACTUALLY BELIEVES IN BEING GOOD FOR THE SAKE OF BEING GOOD! JESUS HELP ME! I can't even REMEMBER the last time I called myself a Non-Denominational Christian....actually, I can, it was more than a year ago when I had to lie to my Christian facialist. Isn't it depressing that I can't even tell my FACIALIST that I am a Humanist? I mean honestly- I thought we were supposed to be accepting of everybody. But screw them.

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This Is Me

My name is Adelle. I'm an nineteen year old girl, autodidatic, smart (I hope) and a little bit messed up- but who isn't?
This is not a pro-ana or pro-anorexic blog. This blog does not promote any eating disorder. It is only a blog to talk about what I'm feeling. Do not take anything said in this blog as advice, a tip, a trick, or whatever.
I am not responsible for any harm you do to your own body. However, if you are harming yourself, find the strength to seek medical help. Any eating disorder or desire to develop an eating disorder is serious and very harmful to your health.
I've been through a roller coaster ride when it comes to eating and weight loss/gain, and my attitudes have changed several times. All I can do is keep writing, keep living, and keep trying to be what I want to be. I believe that everybody is beautiful, and I am not disgusted with what I see in the mirror. I don't know what I see.
Current- 136.5
Goal 1- 148 (April 11, 2012)
Goal 2- 145 (April 2012)
Goal 3- 140 (May 2012)
Goal 4- 138 (June 8, 2012)
Goal 5- 132
Final Goal- 128