Spoof news stories from Thursday 25 September 2008

Emile Heskey, of Wigan Athletic, is today the owner of a title he doesn't really want, for the England centre-forward is to be officially recognised as the Most Racially-abused Player in England.
Even his wife calls him Kunte Kinte.
Heskey, w...

Sheffield United chairman Kevin McCabe has claimed that an extraordinary arrangement was made between Manchester United and West Ham, which resulted in the Blades' relegation to the Championship in 2007.
United, says McCabe, agreed to let West Ham...

An exchange student in Singapore was arrested yesterday, giving a new and literal meaning to the (awesome) expression make out bandit.
The arrest, for illegal possession of chewing gum, happened at the popular nightclub "Party Like its 1841", in t...

Newcastle United have been sold by Mike Ashley. The new owners, Beverley and Bryan Tomlinson, won the club in an unlucky bag.
Ashley, in a desperate bid to offload the club, slipped the ownership papers into a lucky bag at a local newsagents.
D...

Mark Lawrenson, the BBC football pundit who appears on Match of the Day, and also makes score predictions on the BBC website, has been sacked for being inaccurate and uninteresting.
Lawro, as he is known, regularly pops up on Radio 5 Live as well,...

In breaking news today, House Democrats caved in on everything they've ever believed in.
House majority leader Steny Hoyer was quoted as saying, "It's important to cave in on everything we believe in firmly, and resolutely so as to move the count...

DURANGO, Colorado - The three American Idol judges and it's host were asked for their opinions on American Idol alumni Clay Aiken admitting in a People Magazine cover story that he is gay.
This is what the 'AI-4' had to say -
Simon Cowell: "O...

London - (AssoCIAted Mess): Hundreds of 9/11 conspirators are terrified that the ancient pre-Islamic goddess Al-Laat will punish them on Lailatul-Qadr - or Night of Power/Predestination - the traditional end-of-Ramadan feastday this Friday night.

POMONA, California - Ed McMahon the 85-year-old former Johnny Carson sidekick on the Tonight Show has announced that he will be appearing in two viral rap music videos.
McMahon reportedly said that ever since he was 9-years-old he has had a deep...

PEKING, China - The Republic of China has just launched a three-man crew into outer space. This space launch is a first for China.
When asked what this very historic event means to the Chinese people President Hu Jintao replied, "It means that we...

Now that she is retiring from Secretary of State life, Ruth Kelly, the Secretary of State, has decided to open to the public as a means of generating the income lost through not being a Secretary of State any longer
She said: "Many people have sai...

Stupid magician David Blaine was today being sued under the trades description act after his "Dive of Death" didn't cause his untimely death.
Literally dozens of fans waited until the end of his stunt to see him "dive to his death." When this didn...

Boston, Ma - Feminists were outraged today at Gillette's, world's biggest manufacturer of shaving and grooming products, at their unveiling of a personal toiletry tentatively called, "Presidential Essentials".
In what appears to be a bid to capita...

Finland took part in an extensive study last spring to ascertain mental images associated with different countries.
Unfortunately, results show that it ranks just above Iran as a welcoming destination for inquisitive foreigners.
Minister for F...

(New York--New York) Publishing giant Random House today announced the title of Lynne Spears, mother to Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears, new book on parenting, "I'm O.K, My Kids' Suck!"
(New Dehli--India) An Indian court has suspended an arrest warrant against Richard Gere for publicly kissing a Bollywood actress. Reacting to the sudden dismissal, the Buddhist "American Giglio"'s ex-wife, Cindy...

Terry Phillips. Not a known name of the times yet but will be remembered throughout them.
This is the interview with the person who attempted to become the most successful serial killer of all time.
On asked on how he came to be in this kufuddle the answer was as follows:
"Well it'd been a normal day at work and a fairly normal night in front of the telly. I was watching a show about a s...

The two vice Presidential candidates came to verbal jousting of rhetoric in this small town in the swing state of Pennslyvannia.
Shanksville played a dark role in recent American history. It was here on that fateful day On September 11, 2001, Unit...

After it being announced at the Labour Party Conference that poor children would have free internet at home the Tory party have hit back.
They are disgusted that poor children will be given free access to the internet as this could help them to le...

The well known and much loved bald dwarf Phil Collins has had a sudden fall back to earth.
After huge hits in the 1980's and a revival with Genesis last year Phil has been told by his Doctor that it is the new millennium and not 1987.
Phil (68)...

London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): A reclusive UK billionaire has spent an estimated $10 million on a spoof Obama advertising campaign on London Underground.
It features the future US President, upcoming UK Prime Monster David Cameron and the CER...

Republican Party potential VP candidate Sarah Palin did it again in the glare of the cameras today when she announced to the world that she is to have a Brazilian Wax.
The Alaskan governor knows how to milk the media, and this latest stunt is sure...

Sarah Brown, wife of the UK prime minister Gordon Brown today revealed that her husband has got a huge cock.
Speaking on Radio 4's show 'Desert Island Discs', she revealed that Gordon had been keeping chickens since his childhood.
Mrs Brown rev...

(Chicago) Lawyers for Barack Obama have filed a lawsuit in a US Court alleging Republican Presidential nominee John McCain breached US and international copyright laws by using the word "change". Obama's lawyers described the alleged violations by Mc...

The administrators of popular satirical news website, TheSpoof.com, have moved swiftly to block any stories on the subject of 'Lindsay Lohan', after the celebrity announced in the media yesterday, that she is a fervent drinker from the furry cup.

Mr Arnold Trumper was today being comforted by friends and family after a world record farting attempt ended in disaster.
Mr Trumper from Dudley in the West Midlands was yesterday attempting to break the record for the world's longest fart. After...

WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) -- GOP VP candidate Sarah Palin has finally admitted that she had an affair with Brad Hansen, her husband Todd's former business partner, on a skidoo.
Palin made the revelation after the National Enquirer spilled the story...

From his palatial estate occupying the western part of Pakistan and the Eastern provinces of Afghanistan Ossama bin Laden has declared victory over the Big Devil.
Ossama claimed his two goals of bankrupting and down sizing the democracy previousl...

Chester Weasley, former Chief Executive Operator of Schiester, Skimim, and Snark, a government bailed out banking and loan institute, was pulled from an unemployment line and tarred and feathered. Mr. Weasley was attempting to collect on his unemploy...

Reports from Dharamsala, India, home of the Tibet-in-exile government, confirm that in the early hours of this morning, His Holiness, the Dalai Lama has given birth to a male heir.
The Dalai Lama was quoted as saying, "I was performing my early m...

ANCHORAGE (FMLiveWire) -- A grainy YouTube video appeared last week showing Sarah Palin being cured of demons and blessed in her hometown church in Alaska three years ago by a Kenyan witch doctor who prayed for her "protection from witchcraft" as she...

Newcastle United football club have this morning released a statement saying that ex-England manager Terry Venables will hold talks with owner Mike Ashley with a view to becoming the next Cockney Wanker to take charge at St James' Park.
The Tynesi...

Following the recent incredible success of the Sarah Palin action figure, a new addition to honour the vice presidential nominee has gone in to production.
A life size Sarah Palin blow up doll is being manufactured at the 'Fuk Mi' adult toy factor...

Stung by claims that they are insensitive to the welfare of cows, Ice Cream moguls Ben and Jerry have today unveiled their latest product - ice cream made from the breast milk of human females.
To facilitate this, they have purchased over a millio...

Nicole Kidman yesterday sensationally revealed how she became pregnant during a swim near a waterfall in Kununurra, Australia during recent filming.
Kidman, 53, revealed how the mysterious life-giving properties of the water had caused her to beco...

The American Bail Out is just what America needs. A Massive 700 billion dollar attempt to devalue the dollar and create more debt will free up the financial markets of Bankers, so they can continue to engage in risky practices and unethical techniques.
Many people think reform and regulation is the answer, not for America, risk and uncertainty only works in this Nation.
Capitalism work...

Sarah Palin Runner up Beauty Queen from frigid Alaska had her passport cherry broken this week by her elopement to the Meking Delta with Henry Kissinger.
The question: I wonder whose Kissinger now may very well have been answered by the apocalyps...

VPOAF Demo candie Joe Biden of Delaware, a state with the population of Wasilla, Alaska made a shocking declaration this week. Political watchers remember Al Gore's claim that he helped invent the internet and a Republican campaign advisor to McCain'...

In its 2,000 year old history, the Roman Catholic Church continues to deny herstory! Not so on the island of John Bull. Merry old England has denied Catholics and first born ladies a shot at the crown for a mere 300 years and now that all appears ove...

Hollywood, California - Apparently, Lindsay Lohan has been sleep walking these past few months while out on the town being photographed by the paparazzi holding hands with gal pal, Samantha Ronson (apparently the only lesbian among the two). Or perha...

Rove driven Bush propaganda has rushed the US into completely unnecessary war and first amendment busting torture tactics all under the psychological manipulation of fear. The fear card is once again being played on what one might think would be a mo...

NeoCon fantasy film maker Karl Rove is rumored to be about to release a remake of the old silent classic The Perils of Pauline. In the old melodrama an innocent maiden is tied to the railroad tracks by a dastardly villain in order to blackmail her in...

With the November election looming large, both vice-presidential candidates were busy this week trying to win undecided voters in crucial swing states.
At a crowded parasailing convention in Daytona Beach, Florida the Republican candidate fired th...

John McCain could not face eloquent BH Obama even in Friday night's debate on McCain's so called area of expertise. Some would ask if being a shot down pilot and a POW are really foreign affairs credentials.
Nonetheless, McCain pulled the plug of...

In a move that seems even more bizarre than the unfolding financial debacle on Wall Street, the Federal government announced this week that two federal agencies will merge.
The Food and Drug Administration and the Resolution Trust Corporation will...

Manchester UK: Prime Minister Gordon Brown today introduced a new tax policy on eating habits for fat bastards.
In a keynote speech from the Labour party conference in Manchester, Brown was adamant that it was a fair and just policy.
"Today we...

New York - Former President Bill Clinton, who recently remarked of Sarah Palin "I come from Arkansas, I get why she's hot out there", denied having sexual fantasies about the VPILF hopeful.
Anonymous sources, however, have cited staffers at Clin...