Thursday, December 27, 2012

Most of us spend our
holidays with our families—our siblings, parents, and extended relatives that
we love, and who love us in return. Having just returned from Christmas with my
own family, I’m reminded how blessed I am to have a family who loves me for who
I am: an openly gay Mormon.

But many gay Mormons aren’t
so lucky. Often, when a Mormon parent finds out their child is gay, they feel
forced to choose between their child and their church. And when they look for
resources to help understand and respond to their LGBT children, they’re
directed to programs based on opinion, not on science—and this often has tragic
consequences.

But now we have an
alternative.

According to the
impeccable research done by Dr. Caitlin Ryan of San Francisco State University’s Family
Acceptance Project, LGBT young people whose parents reject them are:
More than eight times as likely to attempt suicide, nearly six times as likely
to report high levels of depression, more than three times as likely to use
illegal drugs, and more than three times as likely to be at high risk for HIV
and sexually transmitted diseases.

The Family Acceptance
Project materials are the only evidence-based guide to be designated as
a “Best Practice” for suicide prevention for gay Mormons by the national Best Practices Registry for
Suicide Prevention.

We need your help.

In addition to the
booklet, The Family Acceptance Project is developing a series of evidence-based
education and support materials for Mormon families with LGBT children. Your tax-deductible donation—whatever
the size—will help ensure these materials get into the hands of the families
who need them most.

When you donate today, you’ll be
helping Mormon families understand there is a healthier way to support their
LGBT children—and stay true to what we believe as Mormons—that families really
are forever, and how we care for family members on earth affects our family for
eternity.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

On December 12, 2012, I
had the honor of being part of a panel discussion podcast with three men I
deeply admire: Dr. Bill Bradshaw, Dr. Bob Rees, and Morris Thurston. The focus
of the discussion was the release of the new website from the LDS Church—www.mormonsandgays.org.

Drs. Bradshaw and Rees
have both been featured on my blog and have worked for many years building significant
understanding in the Mormon community about the LGBT issue. Similarly, Morris
Thurston has done the same from the legal standpoint, publishing a paper during
Prop 8 critiquing misleading legal arguments circulated by proponents of the initiative.

The four of us looked at
the new website and discussed what helps, what hurts, and what we’d like to see
moving forward. For me, this was a
deeply moving experience. I’ve long admired the work of these three kind and
smart men, so to be included among the discussion was quite humbling. I’m grateful for their work.

You can listen to the
entire podcast here. Or cut and paste this URL directly into your browser.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Ask Gay Mormon Guy: What's the best way to make LGBT Mormons feel welcome in my ward?

I’ve stolen a page out of
my friend Joanna Brooks’ Ask Mormon Girl
site for this one—with her permission, of course. I’ve gotten a lot of emails
lately from allies looking to help LGBT Mormons, some of whom are active church
members. And I think that’s terrific.

I also think how we
go about offering our support and help to LGBT Mormons is keenly important. To
that end, I’m sharing an email I got from one sister (anonymously—and also with
her permission) since there seems to be a theme running through my email box
lately.

Her email and my response
are below. What other advice would you give her?

Dear Mitch-

There’s a 24 year-old
returned missionary (RM) in my home ward. I really like him, and I guess he
triggers my mothering instinct. I suspect he’s gay, and I would very much like
it if my ward welcomed him for who he is. What do you think about me taking the
Family Acceptance Project materials to my bishop, and seeing if he’s interested
in having a conversation with the RM? Or would you suggest something else?

First off, I think it’s a
pretty amazing thing that you want to do the Christ-like thing and ensure
everyone feels at home in your ward. Thank you for that, and we need more like
you.

The Family Acceptance Project materials
you mention are a great resource for both families and Bishops, to help them
understand how to respond to LGBT Mormons in a way that keeps them safe from
significant health risks—including depression and suicide.

That said, I would proceed
with caution here. You have no way of knowing where this RM is in his process.
For example, if he’s not out at all (perhaps even to himself), you could do
more harm than good. When I was 24, if my Bishop had pulled me aside and
essentially “outed” me, I’d have been mortified—and chances are I wouldn’t have
come back.

Likewise, the perspective
of the bishop is also important. Is he of the mindset that everyone should be
welcome into the ward family—wherever they are in their personal life? Or does
he hold to the outdated school of thought that LGBT Mormons should be confined
to a life of celibacy, and if they don’t, they should be excommunicated? If
it’s the latter, he may not be the best resource to help LGBT Mormons feel
welcome.

Bottom line, sexual
orientation (gay, straight, or anywhere in between) is a pretty personal thing,
and up to an individual to not only define what it is, but decide when it’s
appropriate to share it with others.

But there are some things
you can do to signal to this RM—and everyone in your ward—that you’re a safe
space when it comes to LGBT Mormons.

First, you had the
complete right idea about the Family Acceptance Project materials. What I would
do if I were you is order several copies from the website (they are available
at cost, since the production and development of the Mormon materials was unfunded) and ask to meet with your bishopric
and relief society presidency to discuss them. Keep the focus on the research
itself, and not on your RM friend.

It may be that your
leadership team is receptive and ready, and genuinely appreciates the approach
outlined in the materials. In an ideal scenario, they may want to host a more
formal training for the ward or stake—and let me know if they’re interested,
Drs. Ryan and Reese and I make ourselves available to travel to locations to
host these kinds of sessions, and have done many to date.

Second, speak up. When you
hear an uneducated or un-Christlike comment made about your LGBT fellows (or
anyone, for that matter) speak your mind. This isn’t about being angry, confrontational, or demanding doctrine must be changed. It's simply about helping people understand that we really are all
one human family, and exemplifying the kind of peace and good will our Savior
would like us all to have for one another--and helping establish a Mormon culture where that comes to life.

Words can hurt, and it makes
a huge difference when you speak up. You’re not only educating those around
you, but you’re sending a message that you care about how these comments make
people feel. And by so doing, you give others permission to speak up for what
is right, as well.

Think about the closeted
person who may have heard the comment and felt shame because he couldn’t
respond and speak up for himself. Or think about the woman who has a lesbian
daughter and felt she couldn’t respond because she was afraid of her Mormon
fellows casting judgment upon her.

Then think about what your
Savior would do.

You can also sign up to
join Mormons
Building Bridges or Mormons for Marriage
Equality on Facebook. You’ll find like-minded allies and LGBT Mormons who
can share their stories of success with you. Additionally, you’ll likely locate
other allies in your immediate area who can lend support, ideas, and help you
build a community of supportive allies.

Most important of all, be
kind. I know this sounds trite, but often the best thing you can do for
LGBT Mormons is just to be nice to them. That means sitting with your friend at
church, letting him know he’s missed when he doesn’t come, and inviting him to
do things with you/your family outside of church. It’s really fellowship 101:
Treat him the way you’d like to treated. If it turns out he is gay, your
gestures will go a long way toward helping him feel safe and loved. If he’s
not, he’ll still end up feeling loved. Either way, you both win.

Make sure you extend that
same level of kindness to those who don’t quite support you in your new
venture. You’re likely to get some push back—and maybe even from within your
family. But keep in mind, our Savior’s policy of “love everyone” wasn’t
altogether well received in His day, either—so keep the faith.

And remember, through all
of this, the only opinion of you that should really matter more than your own
is that of your Savior. I’m pretty sure he’d be pleased with your heart on this
one.