Let’s send citizen militias to the Middle East

Saturday

Jan 26, 2013 at 12:01 AM

Gather all our people — male and female, young and old — and send them to these foreign countries to fight the skirmishes there.

By ALICE HAYNES

PANAMA CITY There is a problem of violence all over the Middle East, including Pakistan, Afghanistan and North Africa. The United States is puzzled as to how to react. If Americans do nothing, they attack our ambassadors and other personnel, or kill the innocent who just happen to be there. If we launch a war, it eats away at our resources and puts us in even more national debt. It’s a very thorny problem.

I have a modest proposal: Anyone who can solve the problem should get a reward, perhaps being relieved forever of paying taxes (as we all know, taxes are evil and unconstitutional anyway.) Here is my solution.

There are many of us patriotic NRA members who collect and use guns; we may own from 20 to 50, including military-style assault weapons. We and others like us have caused our country to have the honor of the highest death rate due to firearms in the world, excluding some Central and South American nations. Of course, we know we need these weapons to protect ourselves, especially those which fire off multiple rounds in seconds and kill 30 to 40 people.

In fact, NRA members are always proclaiming our rights according to the Second Amendment, which supports the forming of a citizen militia. This amendment was first instigated in the 1700s by slave owners so they could protect their property from escaping or forming slave rebellions, but today it is being used to protect gun owners from those who would exercise control over their behavior.

I believe we should form such a citizens’ militia. Gather all our people — male and female, young and old — and send them to these foreign countries to fight the skirmishes there. As patriotic Americans and avowedly good Christians, we will want to kill as many Muslim rebels as we can. In fact, since most Americans seem to love the killing and violence in movies and video games, we will probably enjoy the daily opportunities to shoot disgusting non-believers and any others who disagree with us. Thus we should have no problem recruiting folks to the new militia.

Some may object to going, but if this idea is sold right, almost the entire NRA might sign up and go. To advertise the new citizens’ militia, we must emphasize all the opportunities to use assault weapons for their intended purpose: killing people. Thus the plan will appeal to us collectors of weapons. Why have these guns if we can’t use them?

There are many advantages to this proposal. First, we save billions of dollars in the military budget. Since the new militia will not need weapons, as we will bring our own, the government need supply us only with ammo, and with food and clothing for a few weeks. After that most lives will probably end in all the fighting. The military can also supply us with whatever weapons it already owns — tanks, airplanes, etc. I would not, however, suggest we receive nuclear bombs because some members are promiscuous in shooting off anything — especially their mouths.

Of course, this solution will add to the number of deaths in foreign countries, but since the murder and mayhem will be confined to their shores, what will that matter? There may be another objection to my solution, and that is the loss of many gun-toting NRA’s who will be killed in battle. But they will die in glory, fighting for our country, which is what we say all good Americans are in favor of.

Of course, there is another disadvantage to this: With NRA members gone, the remaining citizens in this country may vote for sensible gun control laws and lower the number of homicides in this country. In addition, those who sell and market guns will lose the major source of their income — a sad thought. Furthermore, congressmen who accept money from NRA and gun-manufacturing lobbyists to secure their vote against gun control measures will lose income as well.

But there are disadvantages to any plan, so clearly the advantages — cutting the military budget and income taxes — will outweigh considerations regarding the loss of human lives. We know what we stand for in this country, so let’s form the new militia and start shooting. It’s the American way!

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