Menu

How A Girl Gets Her Kicks (My first sex toy review!)

As you all should know, I am hosting a Sexy Raffle, which let me tell you is a smashing success so far! (I was nervous… but you never cease to shock and amaze me!) Anyway, a very sly gentleman decided to send yours truly a truly magical thing: The LELO Smart Wand, Large, Black.

This magnificent piece of art is something I’ve had my eye on for a few months now. Some of you may remember that I am an Apple fanboi in part because Apple has always had style. Smooth, curved corners. Brushed aluminum. Hidden clam shell hinges. Beveled glass. I’m just a sucker for a well-made, thoughtfully-designed product. And damn if this LELO company isn’t after my own heart!

Just look at it! All curvy and seductive looking. At once, shiny and matte, ergonomic but beautiful. The head and body are made out of velvety soft silicone (which means water-based lubes ONLY!), while the handle is half silicone and half metallic plastic. It has a heft to it that I wasn’t expecting, as if I could use it to club someone if they didn’t please me properly. It is 100% water proof, so says the literature, and it is charged by a AC plug in, but can run cordless just as well and THAT my friends is amazing. I hate being chained to a wall due to a corded sex toy!

Here is what awaited me after I opened the innocuous brown box my beloved new toy came in:

Presentation is important, and this company doesn’t disappoint. The box is actually linen card board, thick and heavy. I wound up gutting the box and kept it… for other things.

You can’t quite see it properly, but that gold, swirly figure 8 and a half thing that is center bottom on the box is a gold pin, with the LELO LUXE line’s symbol. It’s a sweet touch.

It comes with a neoprene sleeve to store your toy and cords in, much better than the black corded bag I was expecting. A quippy little booklet on care and use (with an image of a woman using this toy on her shoulders, back, and stretching it behind her to get the center of her back) informs me that this toy has Smart Technology.

Oh geeze, my sex toy is sentient.

What this actually means is there is a setting one can set it to to recognize when the head of the toy is touching skin. It continually emits a low rumbling vibration, but when it hits skin it ramps up the intensity as you press harder, then calms itself down again once you remove it from skin. It’s wild, honestly.

OK now for the fun, dirty bits! Product testing is serious business, so I decided to be as authentic as possible. I took a long, hot shower. I made myself a cup of cocoa. I massaged lotion into my feet. Once I felt sufficiently relaxed I decided it was time to get a little sweaty.

I was NOT ready for the intensity of this thing! It has 8 settings and 5 intensity levels. It purrs quietly (not like the jack hammering noise of the good ol’ Hitatchi) until you blast it full bore, then it sounds like a million angry bees. I don’t know if you would WANT a million angry bees on your crotch. I don’t! (It’s still quieter than the mainstay of masturbators, the Hitatchi Magic Wand, but it doesn’t have any of that nostalgic 1970s ambiance)

I played with most of it’s settings, fumbling here and there to press the right buttons. It’s a fairly straight forward idea: + is at the top, obviously it means “more!” – is at the bottom, and clearly it means “less!” but in the center is a half whorl symbol. This, if pressed once, cycles through the 8 settings. If you hold it down for a few seconds though, it initiates the SMART TECHNOLOGY, and it will do that on whatever setting you had it on previously.

The handle curves perfectly in one’s hand, until you turn it about to do some lower region massage (wink wink). I kept losing my grip, as the heft of the thing isn’t what I’m used to at all. It made for a slightly comical scene, I’m sure, but thankfully these product tests aren’t recorded. I use a very particular lube when I’m on my own, Liquid Silk. I honestly don’t think I needed to use any, as that seemed to be the hardest part about this testing was keeping my damned grip! I can’t imagine how easy taking this toy to the tub would be, though… maybe that’s another test I can do.

How did it feel, you ask? Amazing. Intense. Ticklish, in some respects. I love how the head is almost flat on top, it allows for a wide dispersal of vibration. I don’t like a lot of direct stimulation in my intimate encounters, and this gave just enough to keep my attention but not numbing me before the fireworks can start. Oh, and those fireworks? This toy brings the explosions. A+++, would use again (and again, and again…)