RetroHate

Man, I had the weirdest dream that I wrote an article about how much I love retro games and why they’re so awesome….Wait, what the funk? Its 2015 already? Well fine then, 2014 was kind of a crap year anyway. You know what else is crappy? Tetris. Yes, that Tetris.

I do a lot of complaining and criticizing of retro games on this column (sometimes half-jokingly, sometimes dead seriously) but in this season of merriment and thanksgiving I thought I’d take a break and talk about some of the things I actually love about retro games. So without further ado, it’s time for some RetroGreat!

Jumping is a fundamental part of many video games, particularly platformers. In fact, the character widely considered (even if not technically correct) to be the “Father” of the modern platformer and helped bring about the rebirth of video games as a whole, was originally called Jumpman. Yet so many video games can’t seem to get the concept of “jumping” right, whether realistically or mechanically. So today I’m starting a potential series of articles highlighting when “Jump goes wrong” beginning with the very basics: jumping.Read More

Welcome back retro ladies and old-school gents, I have finally “wised fwom my gwave” and am here to ‘dis on some of my favorite classic games. Today’s topic of hate is mushrooms or more specifically, mushroom people, aka Toads.

You know in Pac-Man, that one ghost Blinky, who doesn’t actually blink? What if he did “blink” or rather, flicker in and out (you know like “real” ghosts do)? In fact, what if all the ghosts in Pac-Man flickered in and out of view? The game would probably be near unplayable.Read More

You like multiple playable characters in games, right? Especially when those characters each have their own unique abilities? Of course you do, multiple playable characters make games more diverse, fun, interesting and replayable. Except when they don’t.Read More

The fact that a typewriter and ink ribbon would have a prominent place in video game history is certainly strange. Such an antiquated technology would seem to have no place in a modern entertainment medium; leave it to Resident Evil, the harbinger of survival horror games, to make saving your game progress as difficult and annoying as using a mechanical typing machine.Read More

Welcome retro ladies and old school gents, today I begin a new sub-series that I think I’m going to call “Ocarina of Crimes.” Yes, I am here to bash The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Bear in mind that this is one of my favorite games and one I played growing up (despite only having finished it on the 3DS recently). However there are still many, many things wrong with the game, some of which drive me up a wall. One of those things is the game’s checkpoint system.Read More

Previously on RetroHate:When you are dropped into a Special Stage in Sonic the Hedgehog, your first reaction will likely be one of sheer confusion. “Where am I? What is this? Why am I falling? What is that in the background? Birds-no-fish-no-turtles-no-WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!?! AM I ON ACID?!?”

“So yeah, I hate Sonic 3’s Special Stages too, but not quite as much as Sonic 1’s. They may be more mechanically sound and offer more a challenge of skill rather than luck, but when they make me PHYSICALLY ILL, well, I think I am justified in my hatred.”Read More

Growing up, Donkey Kong Country was my jam. I played the Snes original more than I care to admit so when I got a GameBoy Color & Donkey Kong Land, I was in Heaven. A portable Donkey Kong game that’s just like the console version but with new levels? Count me the motherfroggin in! The game was a blast and I played it obsessively, mastering each and every level till I could do them in my sleep. Looking back on DKL now, I’ve realized one thing: I was a stupid, naïve kid. Donkey Kong Land sucks.Read More

Greetings retro ladies and old-school gents, have you ever played an RPG? Of course you have, probably Final Fantasy or Dragon’s Quest or possibly a Phantasy Star. Anyway, if you’ve played any old RPG you’re familiar with the concept of “grinding” or repeatedly battling and killing lower-level enemies in previously explored areas simply to gain extra experience/skills, money or weapons. You typically do this if you need some cash for new/extra equipment or if you need some random item drops to craft something or if you just need an extra skill level or two to make your current destination a little easier. This, this “game mechanic” is complete and utter bullhockey. Why? BECAUSE SO MANY FRELLING RPGS REQUIRE YOU REPEATEDLY DO THIS TO BEAT THE SODDING GAME!!!Read More

You know that phrase “Like looking for a needle in a haystack”? It implies that you’re looking for something very small in a very large area that is filled with lots of similar looking objects to the one you’re trying to find. In video games, particularly old Point and Click adventure games, this is known as “Pixel Hunting.” And it’s frellin’ annoying.

Everyone loves Mega Man. Well, maybe everyone except certain Canadians. ;) [ Editor’s Note: Here, Joshua is referring to Jason Lamb, Canadian, one of our podcast hosts… and notorious hater of legendary platformer. — Bailey. ] But it’s pretty safe to say that Mega Man is a timeless classic for anyone who enjoys platformers or video games in general. Like any video game franchise though, there have been endless debates on which game in the series is the best. Some say Mega Man 2 is the best. Others claim 3 is better. Well I’d like to put my three cents in and say that they are all equal. Equally dumb and inferior to Mega Man X.

If you’re not jumping, punching or shooting in video games, then chances are, you’re running. Running to beat the arbitrary timer, running to catch the bad guy, running to catch that elusive power-up that’s bouncing out of reach, or just running because GOSH DARN IT! I’M IMPATIENT!! MUST END LEVEL NAO!! Seemingly at odds with this near-constant running, many games, particularly platformers, require very precise movements and jumping. Sometimes you need to be fast to avoid the collapsing cave and other times slow and steady makes it out alive when the floor is lava. Read More

I love the GameBoy. Rather, I loved the GameBoy Color. I didn’t have an original GameBoy for very long, instead opting for the vastly superior Game Gear & a plethora of Sonic the Hedgehog games. After the Color, I got a GameBoy Advance. Then a DS. Then a PSP. Then a 3DS. Then a Vita. Needless to say, I love my handhelds. However, if I were to be honest with myself (sometimes it’s easier than others), I’d have to say that a lot of early handheld games, particularly console ports, have by and large, sucked. For every Link’s Awakening or Metal Gear Solid there were dozens of Earthworm Jims & Mortal Kombats.Read More

Anyone who’s ever played any variety of video games is familiar with in-game “collectibles.” You know those shiny little bobbles and wobbles, trinkets and dinkets that float tantalizingly in the air, usually in mass quantities, often just out of reach. Sometimes these obbles give you points or “currency,” sometimes they’re required to proceed and sometimes they merely unlock extra game content if you collect them all. Alone or in moderation, these collectibles can serve a valuable function in the game but in excess they become overwhelming and addictive.Read More

Welcome once again all you retro ladies and old school gents, today’s subject in the constant testing of the LHC (Loud Hateron Cannon) is the N64, specifically its mutant, three-pronged abomination called a “controller.”

I use the term “controller” loosely here as its shape looks more like the broken tip of Aquaman’s trident. Seriously, tape the thing to a broomstick, drape yourself in a bedsheets and you’ve got the perfect Atlantian costume. I’m not sure what kind of three-handed alien ergonomics Nintendo was going for here, but it definitely wasn’t human.Read More

Greetings Retro Ladies and Old-School Gents and welcome to another RetroHate. Today’s title may sound like some kind of old-school rock band but I assure you has everything to do with retro gaming. Though I won’t be tearing apart s single game, there are two games that I will be using to illustrate my point: Super Metroid and Comix Zone. Bear in mind that I love both of these games but there’s a certain aspect of the gameplay that I find utterly annoying and continually frustrating. Something I have dubbed, The Metroid Jump.Read More

Welcome once again, Retro Ladies and Old School Gents, to RetroHate. I wasn’t expecting this to become a series but once I started writing the first part, I realized the scope was just too big for a single article. So here we are again, the part where I recount the dreadful atrocities that Sonic calls his “Special” Stages.

Previously, on RetroHate:“When you are dropped into a Special Stage in Sonic the Hedgehog, your first reaction will likely be one of sheer confusion. Where am I? What is this? Why am I falling? What is that in the background? Birds-no-fish-no-turtles-no-WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!?! AM I ON ACID?!?”Read More

Remember when games had “Special Stages”? Those secret little areas tucked away in a level somewhere or locked behind some kind of often arbitrary goal or requirement? Remember the immense wonder and satisfaction at first discovering a game’s Special Stage? I remember the first time I leapt into that big floating ring at the end of a level in Sonic the Hedgehog. I can almost remember thinking…WHAT. THE. FUNK?!?Read More