Tom Cruise saved firefighters video quotes

The media’s been buzzing this morning with reports of the Tom Cruise Scientology video that boasts how the actor came to the aid of New York City firefighters after 9/11. Since the intergalactic federation of Thetans has been suing every YouTube user in sight that hosts the supposedly stolen videos, here’s a rundown about what the church of Scientology recruitment video claims Tom did for firefighters, according to Page Six:

In the promotional tape, the star states, with a scary gleam in his eye: “A Scientologist is someone who can look at the world and really see what it is . . . and be effective and do something about it and someone who’s not asking permission to do that. Why ask permission? We are the authorities!”

Next, the video cuts to news footage of the devastation at Ground Zero as cheap action music plays and a cheesy narrator boasts: “And nothing says that better than the Mr. Cruise response [sic] to the wake-up call in the aftermath of 9/11 . . . If he takes a stand, it’s pedal to the metal till the finish line, as in helping New York firemen. He first saw the dust and heard the cough when descending to the ruins, where he bolstered morale among firemen. The devastation had spread an unprecedented combination of toxins through the air – and it was lethal.”

Cruise’s voice kicks back in: “The EPA came out and said the air was clean. Of course, as a Scientologist, you go, ‘That’s a lie, [an] out[right] lie . . .’ You know, you just go, ‘Liar. Fine.’ ”

The narrator then returns to brag how Cruise “personally saw to the establishment of a first New York-covered detox project. And, no, he did not ask permission.”

The article goes on to state the project was widely trashed by medical professionals and Mayor Michael Bloomberg. So I guess Tom Cruise’s detox center is apparently no more reputable than my “Boobie Inspection Center.” Which is surprising considering he had a state-of- the-art facility with exercise bikes and oxygen masks whereas I had my garage and a lab coat I bought at the thrift store. Though to be professional I wrote “Dr. Sexypants” on the chest pocket with magic marker.

NOTE: Gawker has a copy of the video here. If you haven’t seen any of these yet, they are hilarious. And by hilarious I mean Holy shit Tom Cruise is going to kill us all.