Pruning & What Winter Brings

For most people, myself included, the winter doldrums usually set in about the time the first cold wind blows. Now that I’m on the coast, I don’t experience winter the way I used to in Tennessee, but last January, we did have a few 13 degree days. Despite that, it was 70 on Christmas Day and Snickers got to go for a long walk with me on the beach—and yes, I was barefoot.

Winter signifies so many different things for me, but the biggest thing it signifies is what I refer to as the hibernation period, where I settle in and just let myself rest. I like the feeling of crisp, cold days to be quite honest, because winter also brings dormancy—trees and plants hibernate much like we do, and we see the evidence of it in their bare limbs and dead stems. It’s a time of reflection, really, a perfect time for the observation of where newness can spring forth. Hibernation brings a few extra pounds from all those rich soups I like to make, the feeling that I need to go to bed at 5:30 because it’s dark outside, the anticipation of the first snow, the excitement of digging my warm, leopard-print ugg slippers out of the depths of the closet, and the hope of new things to come.

When I think about winter, one particular thing comes to mind. Back in 2010, my grandmother fell and hit her head when she went out to check the mail one afternoon. As a family, we had noticed personality changes up until that time, but we didn’t really know exactly what was happening until a neurologist did a CT scan of her head and informed us that she had dementia. The bump on the head made that worse and things haven’t ever been the same since. Once she was released from the hospital, we tried to keep her at home as long as we could, each of us taking shifts to stay over with she and her elderly husband. On one of my nights at home, I found myself thinking about her and how quickly things had changed in her world and before I knew it, I was outside standing in my dead flower beds in the bitter cold. I was in my flannel pajamas, but my feet were bare. As I stood there, my feet sank into the shredded mulch, but the earth beneath it was hard and cold. I frantically started pulling up the dead fronds from the lilies that bloom every Spring–pulling, pulling, pulling, throwing them aside in a neat little pile, crying like a baby who needs to be fed, hoping that none of the neighbors were watching the insanity that was ensuing. The tears that poured down my face were for her, yes, but they were also for the cracks that were beginning to form in our family. It’s hard to watch the strongest woman you know become weaker in mind and body, and to say that she was the glue that held our family together is not an understatement.

As I pulled up all the deadness beneath my feet, I began to think of it as pruning: the dead falls away and new things come up in its place; not just in the season of winter, but in the season of our lives as well. For new growth to take place, old things need to be cut back so that the other things blossom bigger and better in the warmer months to come. 2010 wasn’t just the beginning of losing the woman I call Granny, it was also the beginning of recognizing that I no longer wanted to be a wife, that some of the friends I had didn’t value me the same way I valued them, and that there were relationships I needed to cut loose in order to transform into the person I was always meant to be. And right there, smack dab in the middle of that flower bed on a cold, dark, frigid night, transformation began to unfold.

I began spending a lot of time by myself. I frequently sought refuge at a bed and breakfast that I loved in Roanoke, Virginia when I needed room to breathe. I started journaling every thought because it allowed me to get what I was feeling out of my head. I knew what paths I needed to take, but I was deathly afraid of change, so I found myself a therapist and set an intention to seek my own happiness. In three months time, I moved out of the house that never felt like a home, filed for divorce, decided to go back to college, and got my first job in 17 years, which was more rewarding than I ever expected. I also ended the friendships that weren’t fulfilling to me, left organized religion, and fell in love with a man who nearly destroyed me emotionally (I don’t say that lightly, nor do I exaggerate it). And sometimes, when I lay awake at night thinking about the last 7 years, and feeling that thump-thump-thump in my chest, I wonder how in the world my heart has even continued to beat after everything that’s happened…

…it beats because of growth.

…it beats because of perseverance.

…and it beats because I didn’t give up, even when I really, really wanted to.

Navigating through the pruning process isn’t an easy task, however. In order to remove the things that no longer serve us, we have to be willing to take a long, hard look at ourselves as well as the people who surround us—and sometimes, the things we find aren’t pretty at all. Pruning requires a lot of courage and a whole lot of support (ie, everybody needs a Sybil). It also requires thoughtfully thinking things through and choosing the activities and people that mean the most to us. And as we cut away all the things that drain us more than they add value to us, we make way for newer and better things to come forward. I’m not telling you it’s easy because it isn’t. It stings much like a thorn would when it splits into your thumb. Growing emotionally is similar to pruning a plant or a tree: it sometimes dies, never to return again; but most of the time, it blooms with things we never expected and we grow in ways we never thought we would. Deadness keeps us stuck where we are, but pruning allows us to become better versions of ourselves—it’s not only good for us, it’s good for others too, because if we change, it forces everything else to either adapt and change right along with us or to disappear altogether; and sometimes, those things that never grow back where they once were planted are just the blessings in disguise that we never saw coming.

What areas of your life need to be pruned back in order to fulfill your own personal happiness?

I am the voice behind Truly Madly Sassy and currently reside on the coast of North Carolina with my dog Snickers. I’m a full-time social work major, a suicide prevention advocate, a most-of-the-time writer, a part-time mermaid, an iPhone junkie, a bit of a wandering free-spirit, and a self-proclaimed princess. I’m a lover of all things chocolate, a staunch Starbucks addict, a sap for Rumi’s poetry, and a tried-and-true believer in happily ever after.

Comments

This is beautiful. Quite big changes for you but I love the analogy of pruning away the old to make room for the new growth. As a new year is coming upon us we tend to think back on what we did during the past year and how we want to set ourselves up for the new year coming. Thank you for sharing this!

Thanks so much for sharing! So important to do this… I’ve found myself pruning friendships lately. It’s been a slow but necessary process. So hard and so personal. Finding though that focusing time on relationships that are adding more value with my limited free time has made the ones I’ve kept even more valuable. Still hard!

Lara! You and I are in the same boat. I’ve had to cut friendships loose that weren’t healthy for me too and that’s a hard thing to do for sure. If only everyone was as good a friend to us as we are to them, the world would be a much better place. Thanks for your comment!

Wow thanks for sharing such personal thoughts and feelings. To me Christmas was about remembering my 2 best years of life. But now it’s not that happy my boyfriend’s father died last year during this season and as the day approaches I can see how he feels and it really hurts I can’t do anything to make him feel better. Hopefully one day he will feel better

“Life has taken my grandma very suddenly, before I realized even what was happening. That was the moment when my life started to go downwards and I didn’t care anymore. It took years to be able to find myself and start pruning my own life and get to the point where I am today…”

“Hi Joanna! Grandmothers are an integral part of our lives as women because they help shape us into the people we are today. My heart goes out to you in your loss. So very glad you’ve found yourself again!”

“What a beautiful entry. I love this – true and from the heart. I love the way you use pruning as a way of release – which (to me) includes surrender and forgiveness (for others, and self). Along with this path, is also the sacred process of time to allow ourselves to be present to the pruning process, and grieve as we need to. <3 Blessings. Evelyn, PathofPresence"

“As one who has also experienced the loss of a loved one through dementia I could relate to your expressions here. My heart goes out to you and your family. It always amazes me how we experience many terrible things at one time, and yet we are able to somehow survive.While I understand that you’ve broken up with organized religion, this ability to endure things that really should put us 6 feet underground is a testament to our Creator and the way He makes and sustains us. To come to any other conclusion I believe would be a mistake on my part. (Jer 10:23; Isa 41:10,11) all the best to you.”

“How beautifully you’ve narrated the story of your granny and how you let of things that really mattered very less. Pruning is a tough call, but I’m sure once we do it, it leaves us all so light for a fulfilling life.”

“I love it. I love the way you write. I love that you pulled is into your story to show us the value of simplifying our lives. There is such a deep value in pruning our lives.Thank you for sharing. :)”

“Hi Crisly! I’m in total agreement that letting go of the things or people that no longer serve us indeed leads to happy and fulfilling life. Thank you so much for dropping in! I’m always excited to see your name pop up on Truly Madly Sassy!”

“I am not sure what else can be pruned in my own life at the moment. He had uprooted me and planted me in a different soil on the the other side of the world. The dead leaves had fallen off (job, friendships, personal belongings, and community). I suppose I had gone through the dormant Winter time these past 2 yrs, and I am looking forward for Spring to come along.”

“Hi Herlina! Your response made me sad at first, but then I breathed a sigh of relief because I know that I know that I know when Spring arrives, you’ll be entering into a whole new phase of your life and it will be GOOD! Let me know how it goes!”

winter is wonderful time for many a time for family and friends to get together and enjoy ourselves….but its really sad to see someone you love change and you cant help it it’s sad to know that but I hope she’s doing ok now and you just stay strong and enjoy the winter times …..I admire your courage and determination to make a change that had to be done for your pursuit of happiness it takes a strong woman to do that and you are one I hope many people see this as an insperation

“I am sorry about your grandmother. I hope things are getting better now. :)And for me, I think right now I just need to relax more as last year I’ve had enough anxiety to slowly lose myself. I don’t want to return to that state.”

“Thank you Marya! She is still alive and kicking, she just doesn’t really have a grasp on reality anymore; however, she’s happy in her little world, so that should be all that matters. I feel like as a family, we are fortunate that she’s forgotten as much as she has because she had a rough childhood.Relaxing is easier said than done, isn’t it? People say “”Relax!”” like it’s something we can turn on and off. I mean, I can’t do it, but I have admiration for those that can! Here’s hoping that your anxiety stays at bay so that you may fully live. Thanks for commenting! I hope to see you again!”

“Thank you so much, Lori. She’s still living, but doesn’t know anybody anymore. She’s called me Barbara for years. I don’t know who Barbara is, but she’s always been glad to see her haha. Thanks for commenting on Truly Madly Sassy! I hope to see you again! :)”

“I think as women, we are taught to take care of others long before we take care of ourselves (my next blog touches on this). I struggle with it too on a daily basis as pruning requires a lot of awareness that I would sometimes rather not look at! Wishing you the best on your journey to making more time for yourself.”

“Hi Nicole! I was also lost on where to start, so it felt like the Universe kept putting stuff in my face to look at. It snowballs once you start realizing what isn’t healthy for you. Thanks for commenting! Drop by again!

“Finding balance in life is not always easy especially between work and personal life. So maybe more time for myself…, that’s something I could need more!Btw I am glad that I don’t see winter this year!

“That is a beautiful post.I live in Mumbai and the city is far from winters. Though there is a slight chill in the air and am loving it totally!A lot of things I wish to prune to get back to the perceived happiness. getting a good job may be is the first one 🙂

Well you really have me thinking about my life and what needs to be refocused on thats for sure. Pruning is a great way to think about it though. I am sorry you had to witness your grandmother. My grandfather had Alzheimers and it was so hard. And now my husbands grandma is dealing with it as well. It is unbelieveable to see what this does to a person

“Hi Amy! It’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever witnessed. She’s still living, but only her face is recognizable. She calls me Barbara. I miss the Granny I used to have. Thanks so much for commenting on Truly Madly Sassy!”

“I really like the metaphor of pruning and growth in life.. change is inevitable and incredibly difficult sometimes but there can always be something positive to find in growing an changing, as well. Thank you for sharing your story.”

“Some of my most painful moments in life have been my biggest opportunities for growth. Pruning things back is tedious sometimes, but I’ve always found it necessary. Thank you so much for commenting! Hope to see you again!”

“I think as we age, we do change so much and either our friends and family change with us and keep up on the same paths or they venture down their own paths. I glad that you recognized you needed healthy changes!

“Hi Teresa! In my experience, most people venture down their own paths. The ones that have continued to stay despite my setting boundaries are my most treasured friends. Thank you for commenting on Truly Madly Sassy! Hope to see you again!”

“I love this because it shows how much you’ve grown from hardships: from your granny’s illness to eliminating friendships that cause no value to your life. You’ve grown from challenges that were difficult to overcome but you did it! You are a winner !

“This is a beautiful message! Thank you so much for sharing, and all my love and sympathies for what you and your family have gone through. I’ve been working on refocusing my life to address what I need in order to survive, be happy, and grow, so this post has perfect timing for me. Thank you.”

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OH HI THERE!

My name is Kristi McAllister. I’m a full-time student, a most-of- the-time writer, a part-time mermaid, an iPhone junkie, a dog mom, a bit of a wandering free-spirit, and a self-proclaimed princess.
I’m a lover of all things chocolate, a staunch Starbucks addict, a sap for Rumi’s poetry, and a tried-and-true believer in happily ever after.

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