Shawn Sullivan: Our cats have taken over our kitchen counter

Thursday

Apr 30, 2009 at 3:15 AM

How can you keep a couple of kittens off the kitchen counter?

No, seriously. I'm not just throwing that out there as a tongue twister. I wanna know.

I realized a while ago that I'm not in charge of my household. Actually, as the only guy in the house, that truth occurred to me years ago. Our family's two new cats, however, have really driven home that point to me.

Cocoa and Tootsie love to hop onto our kitchen counter and traipse over our stove and the dirty dishes in our sink. Sometimes, if the sun falls just right through our kitchen window, they will sit on the counter with such peace and contentment I want to climb up there and sit next to them. I realize, though, that if I did that I'd become part of the problem.

I knew things had gone too far when I went home during my lunch hour one day and the two of them were fully sprawled out on the counter and cleaning each other. I mean, come on. Valerie and I prepare our family dinners up there.

Just the thought of the cats on the counter turns Valerie's stomach. After all, she says, they sit up there after squatting in their kitty litter all day. I can sympathize with Val. I think of that litter box every time Cocoa or Tootsie walk over my face in the morning. And when Tootsie steps on my nose I think of that time I came home from work and found her with her two front legs dipped in our toilet water.

Someone had forgotten to put the lid down. I won't say who.

We have a little red spray bottle that we use to zap the cats when they're up on the counter. Sometimes it's effective and hits them with a laser-beam-thin streak of water that sends Cocoa flying off the counter and Tootsie running behind our microwave for cover. Then there are those times the bottle produces no more of a spray than a halfhearted sneeze. When that happens, the cats luxuriate in a cool, soothing mist and look like they want to thank us.

Actually, Cocoa and Tootsie don't look like anything when it comes to their reactions and expressions. Cats are a whole different ballgame than dogs. I submit that to you not as a profound discovery but as an observation from someone who owned a dog for ten years. You can look at a dog and pretty much know what it's thinking. Cats, on the other hand, probably have the best poker faces in the entire animal kingdom.

But let's get back to the spray bottle. It's not working anymore. I'm not sure it ever did, especially with Tootsie. Like I said, she darts behind our microwave, which, of course, is on our counter, so that defeats the purpose.

We lost the spray bottle once. I found it days later underneath some furniture. I am convinced the cats knocked it off the counter, batted it across the floor and stuffed it somewhere they thought we'd never look.

Valerie has tried roaring at the cats like a lion to scare them off the counter. I guess the idea is that you're speaking their language. That hasn't worked, either. Makes for a good laugh, though. You should see her do it.

We've also tried rattling a glass jar of loose change at them. That has worked a few times. We keep needing the change, though, so a lot of times we end up grabbing nothing but an empty jar when we're trying to get the cats off the counter.

I've asked friends what Valerie and I can do to permanently keep Cocoa and Tootsie off our counter. Much to my dismay, a few of them suggested using a spray bottle. "Works for me," they added. One friend suggested putting a slippery wax on our counter, so that our cats would fall off every time they jumped up there. Another friend recommended scolding our cats in the low, measured voice of a disappointed parent. "That worked for my mother when I was a kid," he said.

I think I like my idea best: Give up. Let the cats win. It's one thing when Valerie and Maddie and I are home because then it's three against two. When I'm home alone with Cocoa and Tootsie, though, I'm outgunned. There's two of them and one of me. Odds are against me.

Besides, every time I do manage to get the cats off the counter they always change their tune once I put the spray bottle away. They get a little cocky. They saunter around with a cool patience and confidence that says, "That's OK. You can have your fun with your little water gun. Once you're gone, though, we're going to get right back up on that counter. We'll even invite the other cats in the neighborhood to join us. We're gonna have a par-tay!"

I believe this. Valerie and I came home one evening and saw a strange fat cat fleeing from our front steps as we pulled into our driveway.

Valerie does have one solution that we've yet to try.

"I think we should build a new wall to close off our kitchen to the rest of the house and use a door to get in there," she said.

"A new wall?" I asked. "That's a little extreme, don't you think?"

"But we have to do something, Shawn. This is disgusting."

"There's nothing we can do, Val. Nothing. They're smarter than we are."

Perhaps I should not throw in the towel just yet. Another friend did have a terrific idea that would definitely keep Cocoa and Tootsie off our kitchen counter, once and for all.

We could put a dog up there.

Shawn P. Sullivan is the editor of the Sanford News. He can be reached at ssullivanfosters.com.

Never miss a story

Choose the plan that's right for you.
Digital access or digital and print delivery.