Idk

Since I've been on the medication, I've been mostly okay, but my suicidal thoughts still remain. I am more curious in death than understanding why we're here. I know that no one really knows why we're here, but why is it worth it? Staying? I don't want to work and pay bills. I don't like talking to people, or connecting. Life is just pointless to me. I don't believe in a god. I don't believe in anyone in fact. I haven't offed myself even if I'm okay, because I feel like there's no point, but I also have no desire to live. I'm struggling. Once, I start to feel something, such as actually doing something with my life, I automatically lose it. I am literally a waste of space on this planet. People think I'm weird, or a psycho and I am. I'm a loser. I have this thing that everyone and everything is fake; not real. I like to say what's on my mind, so I can watch people's discomfort, or the hurt that flashes across their face. I hate people. I hate this world. This sad pitiful world. Should I stay even if I'm miserable? We all die anyways. Should I just go sooner? What's so pleasureful about this world anyways? Is it because it's all we've ever known?

you sound schizoid or like one suffering from the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. i used to be an atheist, and more than a little schizoid. i found religion by getting really into the study of math. that sounds strange ... but there's a famous quote from Werner Heisenberg: "The first gulp from the glass of natural sciences will turn you into an atheist, but at the bottom of the glass God is waiting for you."

even if you don't find God or a "third eye" or anything spiritual, the pursuit of knowledge through science is a very positive way to spend your time and can be very edifying