Reviews For The Easily Distracted:Red Dawn

Wait, Wait, Wait...North Korea Invaded Us? How Is That Possible? It isn't. We know it, MGM knew it, hell, the North Koreans know it. But the producers were so terrified of offending the fraction of the Chinese public that doesn't pirate all our movies in the first place, they changed the enemy to a "North Korea-led coalition," which makes even less sense.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One and a half Kim Jong-uns out of five.

Better Tagline: "When they came for the grunge enthusiasts, I said nothing..."

Not So Brief Plot Synopsis: Following global economic upheavals, the United States is invaded by a coalition of nations led by North Korea, who use their apparently well-concealed fleet of air transports and heretofore unknown EMP technology to render us defenseless. High school student Matt Eckert (Josh Peck) joins his older brother Jed (Chris Hemsworth), an active duty Marine conveniently home on leave, and heads for the hills outside Spokane. They're joined by a handful of fellow students and Toni (Adrianne Palicki), a torch-carrying former classmate of Jed's. Understandably displeased by the situation, Jed turns the group into a lethal guerilla force opposing the occupiers.

"Critical" Analysis: Much as I want to let movies stand or fall on their own merits, It's impossible to avoid comparing the Red Dawn remake to the John Milius original, which was such a product of its time the idea of this new version isn't just unnecessary, it's mystifying.

Absent the looming specter of war that was present from, oh, say 1962 until 1989, the new movie loses a great deal of its impact. We live in a world of car bombs and drone attacks, so even though the premise of the original Red Dawn's was decidedly goofy (Cubans! In Colorado!), it *felt* realistic.

Milius' other theme involved trumpeting of the virtues of the Second Amendment and the fairly obvious national security implications inherent in taking away our guns. This is pretty meaningless today, since Americans have been hoarding firearms at a rate greater than any time in our history. In that respect, maybe making North Korea the enemy makes sense; not only have they become the default global whipping boys since the fall of Qaddafi and Saddam Hussein Obama, but they're probably the only country batshit enough to invade a country that only needs a giant "Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again" sign on its border.

This new batch of kids are both more and less resilient than their 1984 counterparts. On one hand, they accept the reality of a hostile invasion rather easily. Must be all those Call of Duty marathons. On the other, it isn't enough that sneering Kim Jong-holes have seized the Pacific Northwest, now Jed and Matt - whom were introduced to as he single-handedly loses a game for his football team - have some mommy issues to get through at the same time. Sorry guys, is this massive and unprecedented foreign invasion getting in the way of your "me" time? Man the fuck up.

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let me tell you that while you are probably right in you're view of this "film".you're review are almost genrelly what's exactly wrong with both film criticism and the world and while you and the rest of the world may laugh i for one will cringe. "Good" day sir