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Friday, August 24, 2007

Sometimes I Wish I was Fearless

When I was younger, I was physically fearless. I climbed trees. I hopped fences. I walked barefoot in a muddy creek, despite being warned that I might catch all kinds of diseases. Actually, I walked barefoot a lot of outdoorsy places wehre I was warned that all kinds of things could happen to me, but that was because my grandmother was freakin' paranoid about just about everything. Anyway, I didn't go through a day, let alone a week, without creating a new scar, or at least a new scab. I was fearless.

I'm less fearless with my body these days. I'd like to climb a tree. Better yet, I'd like to jump off a swing in mid-air.

But I've never been fearless with my emotions or with my future.

A while back, I had a blinkie that said, "Destined to be an old woman with no regrets," well, for me, that's more of a goal I'm actively working towards than a given. More like, "Hoping that I don't have regrets when I'm older."

In college, I was so careful with my future that I didn't go out and socialize nearly as much as I would have liked. Given the opportunity, knowing what I know now, I would have gone out a lot more - dates, with friends, parties, the works. I spent far too much time doing things that didn't matter (because really, would I have gotten a worse grade on a Shakespeare essay if I'd spent just a little less time on it? Probably not). It's not like I was a science major, people.

As for my emotions, well, I've never been truly fearless. By the time I was ten, I was starting to wonder if I was being invited to parties out of friendship or pity. By high school, when I wasn't invited to parties, I figured I had the answer. It's only been in the last couple of years that I've stopped questioning an invite and just gone on to have a grand ole time at a party. I spent a lot of time worrying about things that didn't matter (because hey, a party's a party, why not just go, have fun and not question the motivation of the host?).

My life is a lot more fun now. I got over being the one who initiates a lot of gatherings, have started saying "yes" to more, unquestioned invitations and have finally, at 26, started to realize that the world does not, in fact, revolve around me. People aren't out to hurt my feelings, and I can be responsible for my own emotions.