the single wife life.

DISCLAIMER: If you’re reading this and expecting some Eat, Pray, Love situation about my journey to self-improvement and/or self-discovery, then SPOILER ALERT* you’re in for a major disappointment. Apologies?

For about a year now, Hubz has worked nights in a law enforcement role. And honestly, he’s so great at what he does.

When we first talked about him doing the whole night shift thing, we knew it would be a bit of a sacrifice. (Actually in all honesty, I had no idea what to expect.)

But I was determined to make the most of my newfound alone time. I had such high ambitions for my own self-improvement that I figured everything would just work itself out.

Basically, I was going to come home from work every night and:

work out! Every night! (ABZHEREICOME)

and walk the dogs! (PRESTON ISN’T PUDGY HE’S BIG BONED.)

and clean the house! (Danny Tanner FTW)

and improve the landscaping! (I swear to God we will someday win our neighborhood’s monthly “best yard” distinction. Or at least be nominated. Or at least be maybe considered fora nomination. FINE I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO STOP LOOKING AT OUR YARD LIKE IT’S THE VINE SCENE FROM JUMANJI OK?)

And hell, let’s shoot for the stars – I’d also write the next NYT best-selling novel and learn a new language, and then I’d rescue a gaggle of puppies and then maybe idk cure cancer and figure out that whole world peace thing?

HOWEVER.

I, instead, have become a loser.

FINE, I’ve most likely always been a loser.

But now, I’m not just a loser – I’m a loser wife living a (pseudo) single life.

THE GOOD NEWS: I think I’ve really zeroed in on the perfect, perfectly boring after work routine.

Immediate regret putting on shorts because the dogs’ nails are too long and scratch my legs

Let dogs outside

Turn on Netflix

Yell at dogs for barking at something dumb outside

Try to force dogs into cuddling with me on the couch

Really force my dogs into hugging/cuddling

Remember that stupid article that says dogs get stressed out when you hug them

Get really sad thinking about my dogs being stressed out because of my love

Hug my dogs to take away their stress

**Repeat steps 18-22**

Pour another glass of wine

Cross fingers food has magically appeared in the fridge

Cringe and open the fridge

Get pissed there’s no food in the fridge

Think about going grocery shopping

Feel tired just thinking about going grocery shopping

Feel slightly relieved I couldn’t have gone grocery shopping anyway because pay day isn’t for another week

Despair over the fact that pay day isn’t for another week

Try to act like I’m on Chopped and think up recipes I can make that only require leftovers and canned goods

Realize I hate Chopped and will never think of a recipe that only requies leftovers and canned goods

Feel slightly relieved I couldn’t think of a recipe because I have zero desire to actually execute one

Give up and grab whatever’s in the fridge or pantry that requires the absolute least amount of effort (handful of shredded cheese? spoonful of peanut butter? uncooked pasta?)

Think about doing some work

Tell myself I do enough work at work and need to have “me” time at home

Try to figure out what “me” time actually is

Look at Facebook & Instagram

Wonder how people have lives and do things

Feel sorry for myself that I do nothing

Think I should probably do something

Think about taking dogs for a walk

Feel guilty I haven’t yet taken the dogs for a walk

Ask dogs if they want to go for a walk

(They do)

Calm dogs down enough to get leashes on them

Wrestle dogs past the stupid chihuahua next door that’s never on a leash and chases us down the block

Worry about the day (probz soon) that the stupid chihuahua goads my poor dogs one time too many, resulting in a stupid but now dead chihuahua

Worry about how we’ll get the money to pay the lawsuit for my dog(s) eating the chihuahua

Wonder if people lawyers also defend dogs

Get pissed that my dogs don’t feel the need to poop until they’re LITERALLY FOUR HOUSES AWAY FROM OURS AND WE JUST LEFT OUR YARD AND ARE YOU KIDDING ME I HAVE TO CARRY THESE BAGS FOR THE NEXT HALF HOUR I HATE YOU BOTH

Trip over dog leashes at least five times

Look around to make sure no one saw me trip over leashes

Get back to the house

Attempt to calm down my big dog who is annoyed we didn’t immediately go on another walk again because WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY CAN YOU NOT

Let dogs back outside

Yell at dogs to come back inside so they don’t jump the fence and eat the stupid chihuahua

Take a shower so I don’t have to wake up early the next morning

Think about watering the garden

Sit on the couch and will it to rain so I can watch more stupid Netflix and not have to feel guilty about not wanting to water the garden

Feel guilty for not watering the garden

Water the garden

Get pissed the garden isn’t growing fast enough

Think about all the other gardeners I know whose gardens are doing so much better than mine

Think about ordering pizza but realize it’s a lot of effort because I’d have to figure out the pizza place I want and then I’d either feel guilty for paying extra for delivery or for putting the dogs in their cages so I could go pick it up, and I know the pups just want to hang out with me, and I’d also have to open my purse to get to my wallet to get to my debit card and then type in the numbers because I don’t have my new card number memorized and if I did delivery the dogs would bark again at the delivery guy AND OMG IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE CONVENIENT

Watch more Netflix

Think about going to bed but tell myself I’ll watch just one more episode

Watch three more episodes

Let the dogs out

Wash face

Brush teeth

Take out contacts

Lay in bed

Watch more Netflix

Text Hubz

Know I probz won’t get a response to my text until the middle of the night when he gets a break

Sleep

hahaha puppy punz.

*Can you spoiler alert within a disclaimer? Can you footnote a spoiler alert within a disclaimer? CAN YOU TRIPLE STAMP A DOUBLE STAMP??