Tuesday, May 14, 2013

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP: SCANDAL EDITION

As scandals continue to swirl around the Obama administration, Republicans are increasingly optimistic for what the 2016 presidential election holds for them.

"It's like a gift from the president," said GOP spokesman Brad Lanes. "First stonewalling on Benghazi. Then the IRS targeting conservative groups. And now the Justice Department scooping up reporters' phone records like a Dyson Upright. We're confident that even with all this misconduct, we're sure to screw up our chances in 2016."

In a wide-ranging interview with reporters, Lanes said, "Look what happened in 2012. There was a pretty good chance that, with the right guy, we could've squeaked out a victory over Obama. Fortunately, we had about a dozen whackos at the debates just waiting to bring our party down in flames. Of course, Jon Huntsman almost ruined it by presenting a sane, intellectually sound point of view that runs counter to what we stand for. He was actually catching on with independents and even some disillusioned Democrats before we threw him under the bus." Lanes shook his head in disbelief. "The last thing we need is to broaden our popularity."

"No, we need to keep certain people happy," he continued. "The Tea Party crowd, for instance. Whenever those crackpots march around like it's 1776 or something, we scare away a few more undecideds. Or the illiterates who think Obama's a socialist Muslim even when he's partying with Wall Street fatcats. The morons who'd vote for Donald Trump just because he's rich and on TV. Without them, we just might have a chance of looking semi-sane and, y'know, like winners. And that's not acceptable," Lanes added emphatically.

Asked if radio show host/conspiracy theorist Alex Jones plays a part in the Republicans' attempt to appear further out of the mainstream, Lanes gave a thumbs-up. "Every time I hear Alex's lunatic ravings, I get a tingle up my leg," he chuckled. "The minute I heard about the Boston bombings, I thought, 'I can't wait to see how Alex spins this as an FBI false flag op.' And it took him all of, what, 20 minutes? Loved when he yelled at Piers Morgan's about 9/11 being an inside job and the CIA handing out murder/suicide pills so they could take our guns away. You can't buy that kind of notoriety the GOP thrives on." When reminded that Jones considers himself a libertarian rather than a Republican, Lanes shrugged. "Libertarian, shibertarian. He's a Republican. He just doesn't know it."

"Think about it," Lanes said between sips of a 64-ounce Diet Coke. "Who's the most popular so-called 'Republican' in America now? Chris Christie. Seventy-eight per-cent approval rating. Governor in an overwhelmingly Democrat state. Outsiders think, 'Whoa, that's pretty good.'" Lanes shook his head. "No way. A Republican -- a real Republican -- wants to alienate the majority of the voters. And that includes non-whites, women and anyone who has even the slightest grasp of reality. Well, we're not going to let that happen." The only dark cloud on the horizon, Lanes admitted, was "this phone tapping business with the reporters. Up 'til now, the press was in the tank for Obama. But now that he's going after them, suddenly he's a bad guy. Even Mika Brzezinski is angry at him -- and she's been wanting to have his baby for the last six years. That's a real problem. We've gotten a lot of mileage out of sayling 'lamestream media' and that Rachel Maddow looks like a man, and we'd hate to lose that advantage now. When we feel victimized, we know who we are."So does this mean the GOP will be forced to change tactics? "In the long run, I don't think so. As long as there are cynical bigmouths like Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin and the NRA ginning up the base, I'd say we've got a better than even chance of being seen as the party of halfwits for another generation or so. And if Chris Christie decides to run in '16" -- and here, Lanes held up his smartphone -- "I've got Newt on speed dial."