Thursday, November 27, 2014

I had stopped writing because I felt
so lost that I couldn't string 500 words together anymore. It wasn't
that I didn't have anything to say, but I found myself without voice. So here I am, six years from my first post, reopening the blog. I've taken down all the
old posts, because they all felt too much like a piece of my
past. I woke up every day and knew less and less about that girl. I couldn't
identify with her anymore. I'm not sure I ever could.

I'm 30. I have been for a little while now, actually. Nothing strange or startling there. Eventually we all wake up and arrive here, God willing.

My world and my life felt like they were constantly shifting since I was 20, and I was forever trying to get my feet under me, only to succeed and then have it slip away again. I felt like I was failing, and I was unable to shake it. I was living the cliche "one step forward and two back" life. It was amazing, and adventurous, fun and awful, challenging and a bit of a slog through it if we're being honest.

So, what has me here again, ready to put pen to paper (so to speak)?

I have a good job with a great company. I've been a Registered Insurance Broker for a little over two years now. It's in an industry that I never really expected to be in, and that I unexpectedly excel in. As it turns out, insurance is interesting and technical and lets me deal with people and help them make good decisions. I have a company that pays for my education, and is willing to invest in me so that I can grow in the future. I somehow, without really noticing, am 80% of the way through a Chartered Insurance Professional designation.

I'm not making millions, but I'm finally making ends meet and am able to look towards the future. Money doesn't buy happiness, but there are no words to describe the relief it is to be able to pay rent, and afford a car and save for the future and still by groceries and keep my cell phone turned on. It is funny how it suddenly happens, that you shift from having to make choices that no one wants to make, to having options. It happens a little at a time, and then all at once.I have finally surrounded myself with people who support and love me as I am, as my quilting, knitting, cooking, exercising, not exercising, eating well, eating whatever I want, having a dog who sheds everywhere, driving a car that sometimes has too many empty diet coke cans, not watching TV much or keeping up with current events at all completely nerdy and imperfect self. Life on the family front is pretty great. We still have our challenges, and I'm sure we always will. You don't have three living generations of strong willed, opinionated, smart, slightly crazy people roaming this earth without a little friction. I keep finding, more
and more, that although it isn't perfect, life feels like it is getting
better. It feels like the difference between a quick fix and a slow and
proper mending. There is a sense of calm in my world now, that there
really is no explanation for, except this: Things are finally good.And now, in this moment, I am finally ready to live an extraordinary life.