Children's play area fails CRB check

A formerly well-respected playground just off Lacock Gardens in Maidstone has been blocked from working with minors after it failed an "Enhanced Disclosure" criminal records bureau check.

The check, performed annually by the city council, highlighted a minor brush with police in 2010 which automatically bars the area from being allowed to work with children or vulnerable adults. "Apparently there was an antisocial behaviour arrest made late last year after one of the tenants from the local allotments reported another gardener for excessive hoeing," sobbed the distraught park. "It's only half a mile away so the incident has shown up on my records."

Failing the check has made the park a target for cruel and unwarranted jibes from other local amenities. "Even the nearby cricket pitch has been taunting me about having grass on its wicket ... it's getting unbearable," it explained. "I'm struggling to sleep at night -- my little rocking motorbikes on springs have become an evening plaything for drunken teenagers and my swings, which were always very well received by children, have found a shocking new use. They don't even wipe the seats down afterwards!"

The park is hoping that daytime attendance will recover soon, thanks to its former good conduct and lack of other playground facilities in the area. "It's really disappointing - this has completely tarnished my flawless reputation - well, flawless apart from those two toddlers last summer. I mean, it's not my fault per-se and I blame the parents for not watching them, but falling off the top of my climbing frame really did fuck them good and proper."