Tuesday, June 19, 2012

just because I don't have a dress on doesn't mean death

I'm having one of those times. Where I just feel super insecure and bad about myself. I'm having a weird dynamic with a couple of friends and this situation has spun me. I don't know what I think about them (her) and if she's doing the right thing and if I'm an asshole or if she's an asshole or if no one is an asshole...? Not knowing how to feel about someone and something I have to be around all the time is super confusing and kind of infuriating. You know?

All of this confusion and anguish (i.e. heartache) has taken me from the mountain of awesome I was feeling last Wednesday after my critique and into a dark abyss of insecurity, uneasiness and unhappiness. (I wonder if my other friends are tired of me calling and complaining about it?) This probably has something to do with the break and lack of constant activity. The situation is a piece of shit no matter what, but, having endless time to sit and stew in it just makes it worse.

Where I'm going with this is I hate the way I look right now. There's nothing like a friend completely (metaphorically) stabbing me in the back to help me decide I'm fat and horrible looking (not that there's anything wrong with that). Not to mention, I've convinced myself I'll be alone forever, no one will ever love me, my friends sit around and laugh about what a mess I am without me (crazy time), I look like crap, blah blah.

I called one of my friends to cry about the betrayal and she told me all I can do from here is look really hot. Usually, I'm all over that. All over it. But, last night I spent the night at my cousin's house, packed a sparkly tank for work then forgot my razor. I brought another shirt, but, ew. And because of this shirt (and running a little late) I didn't put much makeup on. And without makeup, why fix my hair? I just slapped it in a bun. And put on some hippy shoes. Because of all these things, I'm kind of melting out of my chair with misery. I believe this means I'm super shallow...