It’s March. The only thing you need to know about this month is that it comes after that lousy Smarch weather and that it’s a barren wasteland for anything relating to the NFL, particularly when the fat cats are banging out details for a new CBA contract. Have they fixed that shit yet? I haven’t been paying attention.

Because of this, lazy idiots (like us!) will take this time to cover any and every angle that has to do with our favorite teams, including wild and speculative athlete dong and rumors. Lots of …… rumors. In essence, we’ll sell our rumors to you in a cuckolding fashion, and that’s why I named this post as such. Also, I just really wanted to type cuckold into a title to increase my page views. That’s how you abuse the fucking internet, jokesters.

Anyway, today we look at the rumor of the Vikings trading the #12 draft pick in the 2011 NFL Draft to the Chargers.

Source: First, you must know where I am getting my information from, and let me be the first to tell you that it is 17% reliable. Why? Because I pulled it from this stupid Rube Chat thread, not so much because it’s insider knowledge, but because it’s a conversation topic. Anyway, to keep you from having to go to that wretched hive of scum and villainy I’ll just post the quote in question here:

“I’m hearing from my guy inside the organization that it’s likely that the Vikes and Chargers are going to swap firsts and SD would give us one of their 2 third rounders to do so. SD wants to jump in front of STL to grab Julio Jones regardless of whether or not then are able to retain Vinny Jackson. The deal is contingent on the Pro days of Locker and Mallet. The Vikes prefer Locker apparently and are waiting until after UW and Arkansas’ pro days to pull the trigger.”

So now you know. Super legit.

Problems, Idiot: This rumor is of course conditional on way too much stuff to ever come true. You have the assumption that the Chargers want Julio Jones. OK, that would make sense. It assumes that the Rams want Jones as well, forcing the Chargers to jump them. Alright, dildo, I’m buying this so far. But wait! If the Chargers keep Vincent Jackson, a young stud receiver, they’d STILL go after Jones? …. Uh, OK, we’ll see. And then the deal is contingent on the Vikings wanting Jake Locker? Well, now I am just putting my foot down sir, because that would be fucking stupid and a franchise killing mistake. We’ll talk Jake Locker another day, but fuck that underachieving gash hound.

Why the Chargers Do It: Clearly the Chargers COULD do it because they need something better at receiver. I don’t know a ton about their team, but didn’t they rank in the top three or something nuts in both scoring offense and defense but still finish just barely over .500? It’s some mind-blowing stat like that defies all laws of probability, which is also why it rules. Therefore, when you’re that good I don’t know if you need a new receiver or need someone on defense. Right now, Julio Jones IS the 13th ranked player on the ESPN Draft Boards, so nabbing Jones at 12 wouldn’t be ridiculous. The other players in the top 12 all seem like positions the Chargers don’t need (QB, DL, CB) with the tops of the top players being taken potentially way too high for them to move to. Nabbing Jones for a 1st and 3rd seems like a fair shake for them.

Why the Vikings Do It: The Vikings have been talking all off-season about how Childress using a third round pick to trade for Moss and then cutting him because he’s a huge vagina was a stupid move. They are pining for a third round pick this year, thinking they’ll be able to find a nice young guy to fill in and help turn the team around. Otherwise, you could maybe get lucky in the first and second, but anyone you find later I wouldn’t offer much hope of being a break through starter or solid position player this team so desperately needs. The Vikings could easily do this trade, and I only think it barely, conditionally, depends on what their position of needs looks like. The thing with the Vikings is they have so many needs that they just need more picks AND solid players, not just solid players. And depending on what’s available at #12 (Cam? Solder? Pouncey? Prince?!) it may or may not make sense to move back in the first, get more picks, and still get the guy you want. The Vikings will end up with lots of flexibility in the draft, largely because they were so flexible in bending over during the season.

Cuckold Rating of Probability: I give this one a rookie cuckolder status of happening, likely around 10%. There will be a lot of talk about it, but when the pressure’s on it probably won’t happen. However, the seal has been broken. Now that people know the Vikings are looking around they’ll keep propositioning them with “opportunities” in the draft. I do get the sense the Vikings may be active, but if it’s this exact trade is anyone’s guess.

And that, my friends, is how you start off a Friday. Lots of cuckolding.