Gov. Haley brutally beaten, piñata industry suffers

Columbia, SC – Little did Donna Dewitt know of the wave of troubles and ill will her demeaning and insensitive actions last week would bring upon the nation.

Instead of the intended results of a shower of candy, smacking a piñata bearing the image of South Carolina governor Nikki Haley produced a spill of animosity instead.

This one has already been stripped of it's paper-mache tusks and is ready to be beaten.

But while outgoing state AFL-CIO president Dewitt has had to answer for her completely cruel behavior on national news, it appears that a completely new stick is wildly swinging across the country in hopes of gaining its own sweets and treats.

Today, country music legend Willie Nelson filed suit against a piñata manufacturer for producing stuffed dolls in his image. Joining Nelson are pop star Justin Bieber and Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin, whose likenesses are also borne by best-selling piñatas.

DC Comics will be joining this trend, its attorneys announced this morning, and to protect the image of its Batman character. “He’s, like, undefeatable,” the company’s attorney said. “To have kids whack him with a stick is – you know, an insult to his character, no matter what goodies the piñata gives them in exchange.”

Further indicating the severity of the cruelness Dewitt instigated, hundreds of children across the country have filed class-action against a senseless company that produces a piñata in the image of their Sesame Street pal Elmo.

A couple who recently separated just hours after their wedding ceremony are planning to file complaint as well, blaming their irreparable differences on the bride and groom piñata featured at their wedding reception.

Joining this trend, the national Republican Party has filed suit against a company for producing piñatas in the image of its elephant logo. The consumers of that particular piñata have filed a counter-suit, however, complaining that the GOP piñata only produced IOUs and pink slips.

In what appears to be last-second stab at redemption by the person who started all this, Dewitt has also filed suit, and on behalf of all the workers – both employed and unemployed – in South Carolina.

In her complaint, Dewitt states that she injured her back while attempting to open the piñata that carried an image of the governor. “If Haley’s skull wasn’t that thick, all of us wouldn’t be in so much pain right now,” Dewitt said.