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More of Jenni Chiu’s Twitter rules.

Perhaps you have been using Twitter for a long time, but have ignored all my other posts about how to use Twitter like a cool person.

These are some of my rules.

They are made up.

They are totally true.

You may only promote your blog/website/product a total of five times in any 24 hour period. A good rule of thumb is to tweet your link once to the morning crowd, once to the afternoon crowd, and once to the evening crowd. Then, if your feeling extra shameless, you get two extra tweets to creatively bait me to visit.

If you fill my stream with personal attacks against another social networker, you give all of us permission to find you when you’re sleeping and write “petty” on your face with a Sharpie. Only mar when willing to be marred in return. You also give us permission to write “not Tom” on your face, so people don’t get confused.

You may only post pictures of what you’re eating if you grew it yourself, killed it yourself, made it for your long lost lover, or cooked it with your feet. Another exception would be any meal that cost over $100, because I like to see food with diamonds in it. Also, if your using your food as foreplay… then I’d like to see before and after pictures. Other than that, I don’t need to see a snapshot of your half eaten ham sandwich.

It’s okay to complain SOMETIMES… but make it somewhat entertaining, people.

You may only use Twitter as your personal therapist if you send me $125 each time. Twitter will tell you your smart, funny, beautiful, and worthy… but not if you keep asking. (Please note: you only have to send me (not everyone) $125 – in which case, I will absolutely make you feel better about yourself.)

If you have never used Twitter to tell a joke, share a funny animal photo, have the public vote on your new hairstyle, or ask medical advice – you’re using it wrong, or are a robot and will soon be banned.

If you only tweet in Portugese, I will not follow you. I am not Portugese.

If you tweet hate you will get thumb herpes.

And this last Twitter rule is important for businesses using Twitter as part of their marketing plan, as well as individuals. You’ve heard me say it before, but it bears repeating:

Every time I follow someone, and three seconds later I receive an impersonal auto DM with a thank you, a pitch, and a link –

love these rules 🙂 I fear I’ve broken the food photo one though… can I be given a pass for tweeting pics of food I’ve been having pregnancy cravings for? or food that I’ve cooked, even if I haven’t grown or killed it myself? I mean SOME of it I’ve killed myself… but not all… I only hunt deer, not chickens. or Twizzlers. or Girl Scout Cookies. or Reese’s Pieces…

Petty – not Tom. Love it. And I love these rules. So many people go to Twitter to just wah wah wah. Sometimes it’s okay. Every day, all day? That’s when the baby pandas start feeling heart palpitations.

Sweet! I just started using Twitter, and one of the reasons I avoided it for so long was a fear of doing it wrong, so I find this extremely helpful! My thumb already has the clap, so I’d hate for it to get herpes, too.