Sticks and stones can break my bones and words can also hurt me

By Jackie Warner

Published
7:00 am EST, Saturday, February 16, 2013

This column is being published in conjunction with the annual Week of Nonviolence at Midland Public Schools

By Jackie Warner

A 15-year-old girl states that she is given dirty looks and told that she is no better than the trash. A 12-year-old boy reports that he is punched and made fun of daily by “some boys on the basketball team.”

A 9-year-old girl is excluded from playing with a group of girls that she had considered her friends. All of these kids have felt bullied.

Bullying is a conscious, willful, hostile and repeated behavior that is intended to harm others. There is an imbalance of power involved in bullying. That imbalance of power can be height, intelligence, popularity, economic or other factors where one person is stronger and one is weaker. Conflict is a normal part of growing up. When friends get angry with each other and call names or say hurtful things, that does not equal bullying. The situation becomes bullying if an individual or group starts to intentionally, repeatedly pick on a person, causing emotional distress.

Bullying behaviors include mean words, looks or acts that hurt a person’s body, feelings or things. These can be direct such as hitting, kicking, spitting, putdowns or verbal harassment. They can also be indirect as in spreading rumors, the silent treatment, gossip or deliberately excluding someone else.

There are several people involved in a bullying situation. There is a bully that initiates the actions and performs the behavior. There is a victim that is the target of the behavior. The majority of people are the bystanders. They are the observers. Some people take an active part by copying the behavior of the bully, but they don’t start the behavior. Others laugh and tell the bully to continue, even though they don’t participate in the bullying actions. The response of the bystanders directly influence if the aggression will continue or not. Bullying stops within seconds when bystanders do not encourage the behavior.

Many people believe that their children are not involved in bullying. They don’t realize that their children are bystanders and can help stop the bullying. We need to teach the bystanders to band together, define the behavior such as a put down, name calling or exclusion and teach things they can say to stop the behavior. Examples would include, ”that’s mean, knock it off or that’s wrong.”

What can we do to stop bullying? We need to help kids be thoughtful of others and their feelings. We need to talk to our kids about empathy — seeing things from the other person’s view. We need to encourage acts of kindness toward others and teach them conflict management. We need to discuss differences with kids and teach them how to accept differences. Kids need to know that we are all different and that is okay. Also, we are different and we may not like everyone but it is not okay to be hurtful or tease because someone is different. Each one of us can have an impact on putting a stop to bullying.

If your child is involved in a bullying situation, listen and show them you care. Tell them the hurt will eventually get better and things will improve. Get them professional help as needed.

Jackie Warner is a youth intervention specialist at Community Mental Health for Central Michigan and the 42nd Circuit Court, Family Division.