One of the most daunting and rewarding things about parenting is the transfer of knowledge.

It’s the first time you help little fingers dive into the cookie dough after re-creating Grandma’s shortbread recipe. It’s reading Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang when they are finally two-plus-two-plus-two. It’s teaching them how to catch a frog using Wayne Gretzky’s words of wisdom: “Cup your hands where the frog is going to be, not where it has been.”

Or it’s when you and your seven-year-old are having a conversation about what it means to be cool. In my house, it went down like this, with the help of YouTube clips from Happy Days: “Child, let me introduce you to The Fonz.”

Clip. No. 1: The Fonz is sleeping outside, but the wildlife is keeping him up with their hoots and croaks and calls. He says, “Cool it!” and there is silence. (That’s the dream, parents.)

Clip No. 2: The Fonz practises undoing a bra that’s been strapped to a radiator in the men’s room. Umn, wait …

Clip No. 3: The Fonz tells Ralph, “Observe,” and snaps his fingers. A woman appears out of nowhere to dance with him.

“And don’t ever let a man snap his fingers at you,” I said firmly, as though that was going to be the lesson all along — that the “cool” I’d grown up with wasn’t cool after all and now we were going to have to have a talk about the patriarchy.

Still, raising a feminist isn’t all talk. And it’s less like following Grandma’s recipe than it is teaching frog-hunting by showing how it’s done. Most important, just because it starts with the syllable “fem” doesn’t mean it’s only for girls.

A young girl sits on the shoulders of a man during a women’s march and protest against U.S. President Donald Trump in Vancouver in 2017.DARRYL DYCK /
THE CANADIAN PRESS

Just as the lessons of the patriarchy can be subtle — excepting the supposed uber-coolness of snapping one’s fingers to gather a range of ladies — our lessons can be equally subversive.

Teach body positivity, but model it, too. Try not to look at yourself sideways in the mirror and sigh. If you love their little rolls but hate your own, they’re going to catch on.

Drive home that they’re the boss of their own body. Then, when they say they don’t want to kiss Auntie goodbye or give a friend a hello hug, respect their wish. Every time.

Say they’re clever at least as often as you say they’re handsome. Not just to them, but within earshot when you’re humble-bragging with friends.

Watch your pronouns. I got caught out on this one when my son was in CEGEP and in response to a question I’d just asked, he said, “In high school, you always assumed my teachers were women. So how come when it’s a professor you automatically say ‘he’?”

Beware of teaching them that everyone is equal. Everyone is not equal, and their generation is vital in the battle to correct that.

Read books and watch movies with strong female characters. Not sure where to start? Try the Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch, Franny’s Father Is a Feminist by Rhonda Leet, Shaking Things Up: 14 Young Women Who Changed the World by Susan Hood and even Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang by Mordecai Richler (the Intrepid Shapiro!)

Listen. Stop talking, stop teaching. Just listen. If she says girls aren’t as strong as boys, show her a P!nk video. If he says boys don’t wear nail polish, ask him why and offer to let him choose his own colour.

If you have the sudden urge to tell your kid to “man up,” flip that vowel and suggest everyone take a breath and “mom up.”

Through it all, know what you’re getting into. Having a self-rescuing princess or prince — rather than one who waits for the dashing hero to save them — can lead to disaster.

If there’s a spider in the bathroom, for instance, instead of being alerted by a high-pitched shriek, you might wander down the hall a moment too late — phone in one hand and a pre-bedtime glass of wine in the other — to find your little darling armed with a toilet brush, the plunger and a hockey stick.

This Week's Flyers

Comments

We encourage all readers to share their views on our articles and blog posts. We are committed to maintaining a lively but civil forum for discussion, so we ask you to avoid personal attacks, and please keep your comments relevant and respectful. If you encounter a comment that is abusive, click the "X" in the upper right corner of the comment box to report spam or abuse. We are using Facebook commenting. Visit our FAQ page for more information.