Facts of the Case

"How am I gonna be the next Jacques Cousteau if I'm sitting in a corn
field?—Tim Pearson (C. Thomas Howell, Soul Man)

Woe is the class valedictorian of Grandview High, awarded a scholarship to
ISU, but hung up on dreams of studying Oceanography in Florida. If only his
family, his friends…heck, if only anyone understood!

Woe is the twenty-seven year old divorcee and prodigal daughter returned
home to manage her late father's Speedrome on the outskirts of town. The drivers
beat their wrecks into scrap metal, just like they did during the rickety old
demolition derby's heyday, but the crowds keep getting smaller, the debts keep
getting bigger, and the fat cats on the rezoning board are hungrily eyeing this
prime real estate.

"I shovel gravel five days a week on some kidney-shaking machine that
gives me hemorrhoids the size of watermelons."—Ernie
"Slam" Webster (Patrick Swayze, Ghost).

Woe is the unhappily married derby demon, living for Saturday nights in the
spotlight, while subsisting entirely on beer and too little sleep (apparently
the perfect way to maintain that lean, rock-hard matinee idol look). It's not
that he doesn't truly love his child bride, Candy (Jennifer Jason Leigh, Synecdoche, New York), it's just that
lately she seems to be spending an awful lot of time filling out curve-hugging
outfits, while in the company of Donny (Troy Donahue, A Summer Place), that leisure-suited,
Coppertone-tanned, real estate agent.

The Evidence

Hindsight doesn't require reading glasses. What I originally mistook for the
film's wisdom was actually my youthful inexperience.

Yep, I got snookered by this Dawson's Creek with dirty words, but
I got taken by a skilled con man: Director Randall Kleiser. That's right, you've
never heard of him, but chances are you've seen his work…and if so, you've
enjoyed yourself (though you may be ashamed to admit it). You see, Kleiser is
one of the industry's most insidious secret weapons, an unabashed purveyor of
cinematic comfort food.

For this shopworn tale of three wistful young dreamers swirling around the
same dustbowl, pretty-picture maker Kleiser goes to untrammeled Pontiac,
Illinois; as lush, green, and corn-rowed an example of Americana as ever there's
been. For local color, he's loaded the supporting cast with top-notch talent
including William Windom (Google him; he's been in practically everything and is
always great), Carole Cook, and a couple of local teen siblings just starting
out named John and Joan Cusak.

Parents and prudes be warned: Grandview, U.S.A. does contain
bare-chested acting from all three stars.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

In a recent interview, Jamie Lee Curtis was taking stock of her cinematic
career. After naming Virus as her biggest
regret, she had this to say:

"The runner-up is a movie called Grandview, U.S.A., which is
this benign but still bad coming-of-age movie, which is just bad. I will never,
ever see those films again. They are laughable, ludicrous movies and I'm bad in
them. They're nasty."

Closing Statement

Frankly, I'm shocked that Grandview, U.S.A. ever saw the light of day
on DVD. Fortunately, it showed up looking and sounding sweet—1.85:1
anamorphic widescreen, and a serviceable Dolby 2.0 soundtrack—the perfect
no-brainer for a lazy weekend afternoon or a mental health day from work. Just
don't expect to see any bonus features, 'cause there ain't none.