BREAKING NEWS: Science reports Cleveland smells like shit…which is not breaking news at all

(Denver Post)–University of Colorado researchers sampling the winter air in four Midwestern cities say the bacterial colonies found in Cleveland and Detroit most closely resemble that found in dog poop. In their study, published July 29 in “Applied and Environmental Microbiology,” the researchers compared the DNA of collected bacteria to a database of bacteria from known sources such as leaf surfaces, soil, and human, cow and dog feces. “We found unexpectedly high bacterial diversity in all of our samples, but to our surprise the airborne bacterial communities of Detroit and Cleveland most closely resembled those communities found in dog poop,” said lead author Robert Bowers, a graduate student in CU’s ecology and evolutionary biology department and the Cooperative Institute for Research in Environmental Sciences, or CIRES, based at CU. “This suggests that dog poop may be a potential source of bacteria to the atmosphere at these locations.”

Hey science community, hate to break it to you, but everyone already knows Cleveland and Detroit smell like shit. This is like the week of pointless studies. The U football program cheats?!?!?….NO…that can’t be!!! Ugly people are jealous of hot people….GASP!!! Cleveland smells like shit!?!…well knock me over with a feather. I can’t confirm this story first hand because I would NEVER be caught dead in Cleveland, but I’ll take Joakim Noah’s word for it. Nobody has ever gone to Cleveland on vacation…and I guess it’s because it smells like shit.

PS: Where did Cleveland go wrong? I feel like they are the bizarro world Chicago. Both are in the midwest, both were built up and flourished during the industrial revolution, both are on the Great Lakes, and yet they are now complete opposites. Chicago is the greatest city in the world, and Cleveland is probably the worst. Chicago easily could have turned into Cleveland, but they nipped that problem in the bud. Took all of our shit parts, gave them to Indiana, and changed their name to Gary.