tuesday is a joke /
played on those not quite prepared /
the same game again

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

fast-forward idol: m&m's and cheezies

i'm just gonna start out while the credits are rolling and say that megan better get the axe this week or i'm gonna spit tacks. can randy jackson get through one sentence without a dude, dawg, bomb, bring-it or brought-it? has gaysey done the liza/carol channing thing where he's turned into a caricature of himself?

note: i will be eating m&m's throughout the entire program tonight.

• blandy (anoop). (i know, the picture is kris. shut up.) blandy is a poser. none of this is real and he looks ridiculous in that costume. i can't see anything but a dorky frat kid doing karaoke. and this was the best i've heard him. judges: randy – wrong song. nwm – she encourages riffing. slap her. (but she saw the frat guy thing.) paula – does her upper lip even move? she just called him a "balladeer," which a week ago she thought was an inner ear infection. simon – it actually gave me a headache. okay, that little chat with gaysem? anoop is a defensive drip. "i'm tryin' to be an r&b artist." and i'm tryin' to hit fast-forward as quick as i can.

f-fwd.• blondy (megan). ick. she's an alien. that's not really singing, it's bleating. sheep everywhere are suddenly inclined to go in search of the lost member of the flock who is obviously in great pain. judges: nwm – i think you're in trouble. bad song choice. irritating. (tears welling up.) paula – beauty develops in an era that might not be comfortable. no kidding, she said that. move that upper lip girl! move it! simon – the song was boring, indulgent, monotonous and so are you. randy – like watching paint dry. this is an idol's adolescence, where they seem to think they are more knowledgable than the judges.

f-fwd.

• gokester. rascal flatts tune. he knows what he's singing about. go dude. should he get his teeth fixed? or would he end up all weird looking like elliott yamin? elliott yamin had bad teeth and was kinda cute. then he had them capped and now he looks like he wants to eat babies. danny...that wasn't his best. good though, and they love him. (was that last note was a little off?) he's got a major career no matter what else happens on this show. judges: paula – this is a performance i'd definitlely hit repeat in my heart. simon – best performance so far. simon actually applauded d.g. randy – tonight's show starts right here. nwm – you moved everyone in this room emotionally, including my labial juices.

• allison.don't speak. please be great. i think this girl is a frigging rock star. sign her up right now. get her off this show and put her in a recording studio. i know, i know...will her voice hold up? i don't care. i'd be happy for one amazing album and tour. judges: randy – randy thinks he's on project runway. nwm – she doesn't like the costume either. paula – i'm glad to see you brought your axe. oh paula. "your intonation and delivery is masterful and effortless." paula abdul wouldn't know intonation if it was injected into her upper lip. simon – "dressy uppy." he thinks he's pam kriger (two people will get that.)

the m&m's are gone.

f-fwd.

1. is it bad that i wanna see the hannah montana movie for the cute blonde guy?

2. no glee club anywhere in the world sounds like this commercial.

3. there's an american idol mosh pit? a mosh pit? what an embarrasment for mosh pits everywhere.

• blindy. ugh. no one should sing this billy joel song ever again. ever. ever. except billy joel. maybe not even him. we should just listen to the original recording and be done with it. this is already the beverly hills hotel lounge version (sorry r.g.) did someone play a joke on him with that hair-do? "no, really blindy, it looks so hot. (snicker-snicker) it accentuates your sexy forehead." hey guys! hurry up and finish your pumpkin pie, blindy's gonna play the piano for grandma osmond. judges: nwm – she's an idiot. this was a moving performance? moved me right out of the living room to get more m&m's. paula – she refers to blindness as "his challenge." so insensitive, these people. simon – sorry. i can't type. they just showed blindy's sister jumping up out of her seat, clapping profusely, and i'm going to hell. randy – nobody wants to listen to you, dawg.

f-fwd.

nobody says frigging. sorry. friggin'.

• moley. wow. there's a mole out tonight. if richard thomas' mole and matt's mole got together do you think they'd hit it off? go on a couple of dates? you found me. woah. he's singing before ryan's done introducing him. ohh. close-up. wait! there's a second mole, on the right side of the original mole. it's smaller, and you can tell it feels totally inferior to the grand master mole. i think this is boring. you? judges: paula – you aborted the things we love most about you, like your magnificent riffing. simon – put on, uptight, uncomfortable. randy – wrong song. they keep saying "why didn't you sing this song" to people this year. nwm – she gets on her newbie-wanna-moley soap box because she want her moley nuggie.

• lil. "i've have been getting nerled, by the jurdges." she sings some celine dion song. what is this other belty sound? where has that been? this is showey, and part of it was okay. but overall not great. judges: randy – for me for you, for you for me. within you and without you. young it up, dawg. nwm – here are the songs i wanna hear. (newbie, bring your nano next week.) paula – meh. simon – a wedding performance. here are more songs i wanna hear. all your personality is being sucked out of you.

f-fwd.

the m&m's gone, i've now moved on to a bag of hawkins cheezies: canadian cheeze puffs made with real canadian cheddar.

• adam. play that funky music gayboy whiteboy. how many times do we have to hear that same high screaming, sort of "laaaaalaaaaa" wailing thing? hi, i'm adam. here's my trick and i'm gonna do it over and over and over again. i think that was way, way, way over the top and indulgent. and they loved it. judges: paula – true genius. simon – i don't really like you but you had fun. randy – the cheeze puffs are gone already. nwm – it was like studio 57 up in here tonight. hey newbie, i'm 46 and i have no idea what studio 57 is. and i'm not gonna google it to find out.

f-fwd.

are we done yet?

• cutey kris. he got smiley eyes. ain't no sunshine. this is a really great arrangement. CHRIS! sing that long, straight tone. yes! this is a pop arrangement that could be on the radio now. it's all the things the judges ask for: current, relevant, authentic. (except maybe for that last note/chord.) judges: randy – you are so in the zone. nwm – artistry. she done with moley, she want some kris kringle. paula – i want some kringle too! simon – i'm smart, and i'm british, and that was very good. i really think kris is a movie star at some point. seriously. on this show, he is now in the running, big time.

Matt has already been signed for a Lifetime movie of the week called The Melancholy Mole, about a large, put-upon mole which undertakes an arduous journey in search of its long lost baby mole. Seriously, though, a few weeks ago this felt like a really strong field. What happened? Allison is a star already, and Kris has come out of nowhere. But the rest are feeling like pretenders or one-trick ponies. I'm with you on the top four.

The Fray and No Doubt tunes are great songs but they aren't vocal showcases; I wish these kids would stop picking songs like that. Worse, Matt decided to do a sound-alike and suffered in comparison. Awful. Similar for Allison; she sang it pretty well but there's not much one can do in a singing contest with that kind of song. The guitar felt like a silly prop to me, seemed like she could barely fret the thing.

I thought "oh no, piano bar" when the blind guy started but he actually won me over by the end.

The band saved Adam's butt, nice of him to thank them. He's ten times more interesting than any of the others but he kind of screeched his way through too much of that song.

Your sheep comparison is spot-on. She really doesn't look like she belongs up there or even really wants to be.

Can they just decide to send megan, anoop, matt, and scott home tomorrow? It would make the next month less boring.

Anoop has lost his sparkle, and you're right that he was defensive, which was very unflattering.

Megan definitely deserves to go home, but she hasn't even been in the bottom 3 lately has she?

I think there's some vote-splitting going on demographically, which is why Faux Justin Timberlake was in the bottom 3 recently even though he didn't deserve it. If this theory is right, then Lil and probably Megan too are probably safe and Matt and Scott are probably in trouble.

Other theories re: Megan are that people are voting for her as a joke, or they're voting for her because she's hot.

Although if voters are rational (and that's a big "if") it'll probably become a self-fulfilling prophecy that she gets sent home soon b/c she keeps getting torn apart by the judges.

Man, three "probablys" (probablies?) in one sentence. And one "probably" two sentences after that! Geez. Gotta love what law school does to one's brain -- always leaving room to wiggle out of what would otherwise be a declarative statement.