No Wedding, No Womb! – Beyond Black & Whitehttp://www.beyondblackwhite.com
Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural RelationshipsThu, 08 Dec 2016 15:51:07 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.723522080“Have My Baby?” What You Need to Know About Reproductive Coercionhttp://www.beyondblackwhite.com/baby-need-know-reproductive-coercion/
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/baby-need-know-reproductive-coercion/#commentsMon, 17 Oct 2016 05:27:38 +0000http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=41356When you think about someone in a relationship trapping their partner into a pregnancy, we often think it’s a desperate woman trying to cling to her man by any means necessary. Either she hopes he will stay out of obligation, or if that is out of the question, she does it to retain some piece […]

When you think about someone in a relationship trapping their partner into a pregnancy, we often think it’s a desperate woman trying to cling to her man by any means necessary. Either she hopes he will stay out of obligation, or if that is out of the question, she does it to retain some piece of him, coupled with a little bundle to love her unconditionally. We rarely talk about how MEN attempt to trap women into pregnancy for their own ends–either through guilt, bullying or outright sabotage. There’s even a name for it: Reproductive coercion.

Today from the Huffington Post:

Reproductive coercion is a specific type of intimate partner violence in which one partner forces unprotected sex in order to increase the chances that the other partner will get pregnant against her will.

Defining this kind of abuse is important for both healthcare providers and women, explained Heather McCauley, a social epidemiologist and an assistant professor of human development at Michigan State University, who studies the phenomenon.

Reproductively coercive acts include threatening to leave unless the woman becomes pregnant, threatening to have a baby with someone else if she doesn’t comply, physically abusing a woman because she does not agree to pregnancy and tampering with birth control to deliberately cause pregnancy. Forcing a woman to either carry a pregnancy to term or have an abortion against her wishes also constitutes reproductive coercion.

Birth control tampering and pregnancy coercion, in particular, is the focus of McCauley’s latest research.

“The thing about reproductive coercion is that many women still don’t recognize this behavior as abuse,” McCauley said. “If you were to ask them if they experienced abuse or coercion in their relationship, they would probably say no.” Read more here.

Quiet as it’s kept, I believe reproductive coercion runs rampant in the black community. I’ve heard horror stories of men deliberately impregnating young women who have bright futures ahead of them to sully them and “knock down their stock” in the dating and mating world. I once had a neighbor, Emily, who was a beautiful biracial school teacher raising her son alone. After we got close, I asked her what happened with his father, who did little in terms of showing any interested in his son or fatherhood. She said when they were together and having some problems, her then-boyfriend poked holes in condoms without her knowledge, until she became pregnant. He thought that the child would shackle her to him, but once her realized she was no longer interested in a relationship, he showed little to no interested in the child he forced upon Emily. What’s more, that little boy knew his father didn’t want much to do with him, and even at six years old, I could see the anger brewing in his heart–for his father and his mother. Again, ladies–children of single mothers often blame the parent who stayed, regardless of the circumstances. One only need to tip toe through the bowels of You Tube, where the troglodytes of the He Man Black Women Haters Club dwell to drive the point home.

Emily would forever be the parent having to put her son’s needs ahead of hers, and take into account any future romantic relationship she would have, and despite how beautiful, smart, friendly and loving she was, any man would have to consider her as a “package” with a brooding little boy he’d have to take on, and let’s face it–there would be some totally not interested. Her ex, however, is free to trap more promising young women and seek to control them through their wombs with little consequences.

If you’re in a relationship with a man, regardless of his race, who is berating you to have a child that’s not included in your plans, especially without benefit of permanent commitment like marriage, I suggest you run for the hills as fast as you can–especially if you’ve got more going for yourself than he does. In fact, no single man should be “asking” you to have his baby if he’s not financially and psychologically ready. Stop giving these idiots sleeping on their sister’s couch immortality. They don’t deserve it, and you deserve better.

]]>http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/baby-need-know-reproductive-coercion/feed/7441356Tragic Death of Jose Fernandez Highlights the Necessity of No Wedding, No Wombhttp://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tragic-death-jose-fernandez-highlights-necessity-no-wedding-no-womb/
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tragic-death-jose-fernandez-highlights-necessity-no-wedding-no-womb/#commentsSun, 25 Sep 2016 17:24:48 +0000http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=41200This morning, I read the tragic news that baseball Player, José Fernandez, 24, died in a boat accident. His death comes on the heals of his announcement on Instagram that his girlfriend, Carla Mendoza, is expecting their first child. For certain, the most heart-wrenching part of all of this is that a child who has […]

]]>This morning, I read the tragic news that baseball Player, José Fernandez, 24, died in a boat accident. His death comes on the heals of his announcement on Instagram that his girlfriend, Carla Mendoza, is expecting their first child.

For certain, the most heart-wrenching part of all of this is that a child who has not yet been born will never know his or her father, and that Mendoza will have to raise this child Fernandez. But now that he’s dead, Mendoza, who never married the father of her child, may perhaps have to fight through the legal system to get the resources and financial support necessary to care for it. She is not subject to his inheritance, unless he made a provision for her in his will. I find it unlikely that he did at such a young age. Plus, if he didn’t prepare for a family, who’s to say he had the forethought to prepare for his death?

People stay saying that the idea of No Wedding No Womb is outmoded and outdated, until instances like this come to the fore and then realize that the legal system in the United States favors married couples over boyfriends and girlfriends. As women, we need to be crafty and learn how to effectively navigate in this patriarchal system that favors marriage, heirs and inheritances above all.

You can rail about to the unfairness of it all but frankly, the laws have not changed as quickly as the culture has. It may not be fair, but hell–life isn’t fair! It’s not fair that a promising ballplayer lost his life tragically at such a young age. It’s not fair that a child who hasn’t even been born yet will never be held by its biological father. And it’s not fair that Carla Mendoza will become a mother but never be Fernandez’s wife. But all these things have occurred, regardless of “fairness.”

As Breukelen Bleu always says, black women should be about PROTECTING their BLOODLINES. Which means that you’re making SMART CHOICES about the CIRCUMSTANCES in which you bring a child into the world. This isn’t about religion. This isn’t about slut shaming or single mother shaming. This is about teaching black women how to WIN by using any and all available tools to do so. Sure; things can go wrong in a marriage–no one is disputing that. But I wonder if Carla Mendoza is thinking, “marriage is just a piece of paper” right about now.

]]>http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tragic-death-jose-fernandez-highlights-necessity-no-wedding-no-womb/feed/3641200Yes; I Know Tika Sumpter is Pregnant. Why I’m Not Celebrating.http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/yes-know-tika-sumpter-pregnant-im-not-celebrating/
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/yes-know-tika-sumpter-pregnant-im-not-celebrating/#commentsWed, 14 Sep 2016 07:34:33 +0000http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=41125When I heard the news that actress, Tika Sumpter was expecting her first child, I was genuinely happy for her. I have followed her career since she first came on the scene with now canceled soap opera, One Life to Live. Her character in that show was involved with a handsome Latino man, and I enjoyed […]

]]>When I heard the news that actress, Tika Sumpter was expecting her first child, I was genuinely happy for her. I have followed her career since she first came on the scene with now canceled soap opera, One Life to Live. Her character in that show was involved with a handsome Latino man, and I enjoyed seeing that pairing on television. Then she joined highly rated nighttime soap opera have been have not and while cheesy, the success of the show and her acting has refined as well as her breathtaking beauty.

When I heard that the father of her child (co-star Nick James) was a white guy, and they weren’t married, I just couldn’t muster up the excitement surrounding their swirly union, so I stayed mum. In a recent interview with magazine, Fit Pregnancy, Tika says that she was involved with her boyfriend a year and a half before she discovered she was pregnant on Valentine’s Day. When asked about getting married, she said that she’ll get around to it, maybe, but that her relationship with her boyfriend is not “defined by a ring.”

Break to take in the breathtaking beauty of this woman. That cannot be denied.

One the aspects childbearing within marriage is the notion of legacy building. It’s not just about a ring a house and the picket fence. It’s about consolidating and building generational wealth and securing your blood line. Yes, Tika is a well paid star, and more than likely she and her baby will be fine whether or not the father marries her. But what I’m really worried about is the example she gives to young black girls and women who look up to her and see that she was open to finding love across color lines, but carried over practices and cultures that have not served the black community well in any stretch of the imagination.

The Census Data for 2015 has just been released, and so far wages and salaries have gone up in virtually every category except for single parent households. So if you’re not a beautiful actress and you have a baby without a husband or committed life partner who understands the idea of generational wealth, then there’s a good chance you’re your setting your self and your child up for a very difficult, hard-scrabble existence.

My goal with this platform is not to celebrate every interracial union or byproduct of that union regardless of the circumstances. I want black women to win. I want them to start thinking beyond the next year or five years. I want them to understand that the choices that they make can have a long term benefits, or long term consequences. A smart and crafty woman secures her well-being and that of her children and doesn’t think that love is a Band-Aid for the unexpected hiccups.

It’s time to stop pretending that the life choices of many black people are the reasons why we as a collective don’t prosper.Look at Chelsea Clinton. Ivanka Trump. They understand the importance of merging their lives with men equally matched in education, background and finances and are building a legacy in which the children they produce will benefit long after they’re gone.

]]>http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/yes-know-tika-sumpter-pregnant-im-not-celebrating/feed/15741125Missing Link Discovered: Why Black Women are Suspicious of Birth Controlhttp://www.beyondblackwhite.com/historical-missing-link-discovered-black-women-suspicious-birth-control/
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/historical-missing-link-discovered-black-women-suspicious-birth-control/#commentsWed, 06 Jul 2016 11:44:56 +0000http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=40677Before I start, you should read this letter written by no other than the Black Panther Party: And before anyone suggests this letter might be a fake (like the Willie Lynch letter is) this is a vintage document preserved by Duke University, and you can also view it here. Within the letter, the Black Panther […]

]]>Before I start, you should read this letter written by no other than the Black Panther Party:

And before anyone suggests this letter might be a fake (like the Willie Lynch letter is) this is a vintage document preserved by Duke University, and you can also view it here.

Within the letter, the Black Panther Party urges black women to do the following:

They encourage black women to REFUSE birth control because it’s the white man’s plot to affect GENOCIDE on the black race.

They OUTRIGHT SAY that black women MUST HAVE AS MANY BABIES AS POSSIBLE to fight in “the revolution.” They wanted black women’s wombs to be farms for black revolutionaries.

In the response letter, the author says “poor black men don’t take care of their families,” so the suggestion that black women eschew birth control to bring about little black revolutionaries, there is essentially NO CARE FROM THE PARTY about how these black women would be left to raise these “revolutionaries” ALONE. Read for yourself.

In the second paragraph of the letter, which is authored by two black welfare recipients, domestic worker (maid), housewife, and a housewife and psychotherapist, says “The poor black man only thinks about the street, dope and liquor, a piece of ass, and their cars. Ladies, this was bad in 1968. 1968!!!! How much has changed?!

When the pill emerged “by whitey,” black women saw an opportunity to not be used and left by these men to “no longer exploit us sexually or use us for money.” OMG…this mess is ANCIENT.

You know what else is ancient? Black men BLAMING black women for the decay of the black community, and admittedly is is much worse because the SHAMING TACTICS used by the black political ruling elite was widely successful in brainwashing black women into thinking that any form of birth control was genocide. And what you see now are the results of this FAILED social experiment–legions of broken families led by the mothers who STAYED and the fathers who LEFT.

Ladies, we have been lied to. We have allowed the He-Man Black Woman Hater’s Crew™ to once again blame black women by suggesting that black women ran the black man out of the home in favor of “white daddy” providing welfare benefits, in when truth, the poor black men in the 1960’s were just as irresponsible as they are today, and if you just look at documents published during that time, you can see for yourself. This is the history of black women that the He-men don’t want you to know about.

Take a read.

This paragraph especially stuck out:

Ladies, again I ask, WHAT HAS CHANGED?

This level of manipulation has become so embedded into black culture that we continue to operate on it by rote–black women don’t use birth control as effectively as other races and have an innate suspicion of it but when pressed, don’t really know why. The letters you read above IS THE REASON WHY.

And still, you have black men BLAMING black women for all the ills of the community and lamenting on the “good old days” when black women were feminine and listened to the black man is straight bullshit, because black men have been betraying, abandoning, and blaming black women SINCE THE BEGINNING.

The TRUTH is finally come to light, and we are the harbingers of the new black woman’s revolution, where we fight back with FACTS and FEMININE STRENGTH. Now that we know THE TRUTH, it’s time to FINALLY take control of our reproductive health, stop feeling GUILT about you’ve internalized the LIE that the decay of the black community is your FAULT, and begin to CHOOSE BETTER, but REFUSING to choose men who perpetuate such manipulative nonsense. More than likely, “choosing better” will mean NOT choosing them.

]]>http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/historical-missing-link-discovered-black-women-suspicious-birth-control/feed/2640677New Show on TV One Makes the Black OOW Rate a Mockery; No One to Blame But Us.http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-show-on-tv-one-makes-the-black-oow-rate-a-mockery-no-one-to-blame-but-us/
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-show-on-tv-one-makes-the-black-oow-rate-a-mockery-no-one-to-blame-but-us/#commentsThu, 21 Jan 2016 17:19:00 +0000http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=39358My longtime buddy Lorraine sent me this clip, and you have to see it to believe it. So here we have TV One, a network owned and operated with black folks in power making a complete mockery of black women and the 73% out-of-wedlock rate, and makes black men look like shiftless pedophiles who lack […]

]]>My longtime buddy Lorraine sent me this clip, and you have to see it to believe it.

So here we have TV One, a network owned and operated with black folks in power making a complete mockery of black women and the 73% out-of-wedlock rate, and makes black men look like shiftless pedophiles who lack responsibility or self control. What you see here folks, is a bunch of breeding, thoughtless, rutting with good lighting and a make up artist.

But you know and I know that the reality of all this is ugly. So very, very ugly.

So if we are the ones celebrating and perpetuating our own stereotypes for coins, then we have absolutely no ground to stand on when we complain that it’s the “white controlled media” who are leading the charge of the destruction of our image in mediums that are distributed not statewide, but WORLDWIDE. Hell, Martians are watching this shit and shacking their heads.

I am no longer surprised at what reality television and wrought, nor do I have any sympathy for people who line up to for paid positions and clowns.

What is enraging, however, is the seeming passivity of black women continue to ALLOW these images and stereotypes to perpetuate on their watch, especially with a growing number of us are in positions to impact and influence. For example, with there was talk about a show featuring black sororities, those members banded together to make sure it didn’t see the light of day. So don’t tell me that it can’t be done.

Are you really okay with media, and BLACK media continuing to drag you?

]]>http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-show-on-tv-one-makes-the-black-oow-rate-a-mockery-no-one-to-blame-but-us/feed/14439358The Emerging Elite: Parenting Disparity Grows as Single Parent Households Risehttp://www.beyondblackwhite.com/class-disparities-raising-kids-rise-as-interracial-unions-lead-with-buying-power/
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/class-disparities-raising-kids-rise-as-interracial-unions-lead-with-buying-power/#commentsFri, 18 Dec 2015 17:10:24 +0000http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=39168Are hovering parents who control every part of their children’s schedule creating more successful adults when compared to the “free range” parenting style parents with less resources are often forced to enact? According to a new study from Pew Research, the elite, two-partent family that can afford to put their kids in cotillion have the […]

Are hovering parents who control every part of their children’s schedule creating more successful adults when compared to the “free range” parenting style parents with less resources are often forced to enact? According to a new study from Pew Research, the elite, two-partent family that can afford to put their kids in cotillion have the edge, at least when it comes to navigating in institutions like universities and corporations.

A new Pew Research Center survey conducted Sept. 15-Oct. 13, 2015, among 1,807 U.S. parents with children younger than 18 finds that for lower-income parents, financial instability can limit their children’s access to a safe environment and to the kinds of enrichment activities that affluent parents may take for granted. For example, higher-income parents are nearly twice as likely as lower-income parents to rate their neighborhood as an “excellent” or “very good” place to raise kids (78% vs. 42%). On the flip side, a third of parents with annual family incomes less than $30,000 say that their neighborhood is only a “fair” or “poor” place to raise kids; just 7% of parents with incomes in excess of $75,000 give their neighborhood similarly low ratings.

Single Mothers, Again, Have it the Worst

And if you think that the rise in single-parent households isn’t contributing to the growing disparity of ill-prepared offspring who have trouble navigating the “secret language” of etiquette, social mores and circles of the people most influential to their success, then we’re kidding ourselves. An educated, two-parent household will soon be the premium of all units, with the most resources, clout and influence to carry on those benefits to their children.

The dramatic changes that have taken place in family living arrangements have no doubt contributed to the growing share of children living at the economic margins. In 2014, 62% of children younger than 18 lived in a household with two married parents – a historic low, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of data from the U.S. Census Bureau. The share of U.S. kids living with only one parent stood at 26% in 2014. And the share in households with two parents who are living together but not married (7%) has risen steadily in recent years.1

These patterns differ sharply across racial and ethnic groups. Large majorities of white (72%) and Asian-American (82%) children are living with two married parents, as are 55% of Hispanic children. By contrast only 31% of black children are living with two married parents, while more than half (54%) are living in a single-parent household.

The economic outcomes for these different types of families vary dramatically. In 2014, 31% of children living in single-parent households were living below the poverty line, as were 21% of children living with two cohabiting parents.2 By contrast, only one-in-ten children living with two married parents were in this circumstance. In fact, more than half (57%) of those living with married parents were in households with incomes at least 200% above the poverty line, compared with just 21% of those living in single-parent households.

This is why I go hard and continue to nag, preach and teach about No Wedding No Womb. We have people in our community trying their damnedest to nullify the impact that fractured families have on children and the emotional toll it has on black girls and women–not to mention the anger and misogyny it breeds in the boys. Yet, I continue to keep seeing unfortunate posts like this on my timeline.

My name is Brooklyn I am 17 and this is my ex boyfriend and 19. We met in 2014 when I was 15. It was an instant attraction and we were together 1 year and 3 months before we ended splitting up. I am 5 months pregnant now. I conceived in late July. We found out in September, at first he seemed happy and okay with it. We ended up telling our parents October. My dad was very disappointed and wanted me to get an abortion and it was either an abortion or leave and I couldn’t bring myself to do that so I left. My mom always said if i got pregnant im on my own…She said I should consider adoption and that wasnt even an option for me in my mind. I went to go live with Ray and his parents and things just went south. So I moved out and went to go live with my Uncle and his family. After moving I found out he was cheating on me while we were together and he has been with her since. He started denying my daughter was even his saying things like ” I’m not a dad so stop asking” on social networks and what not. This was extremely recent and found this out in the last week. I got extremely depressed and cried for days. I just couldnt believe after all we been through he done that too me. I started to think Mia Bella (my daughter) was a mistake. I prayed and just got out of church today and realized my dauaghter is a blessing not a curse. I have finally sucked it up but cry some moments because I feel as though Mia Bella wont have a father in her life. I really could use prayer and strength in having to go through this as a not only a single but young mom.

The writer is a gorgeous biracial girl (like Instagram gorgeous), and the father is black. Yet folks were streaming in cooing to the commenter about how “It’s all gonna be okay; babies are a blessing, blah blah blah.” NO! Babies are NOT always a blessing to the parents. And sometimes, these dudes want to knock down an upwardly mobile, attractive black girl to corrupt her for other men and derail her future. Let’s be real.

I wonder how all my detractors back in 2010–the ones who called me a bitch and a cunt–feel now that everything we predicted is playing out in real time? Hmmm…they’ve gotten awfully quiet, haven’t they?