# 1 – Letters to Him

I have just one question for you: Why?
I know that you said that you don’t love me. That you never did. That all you were doing was pretending. Right. Okay i get that. But how, after everything you said and did, after everything we went through together and everything we overcome, after planning our future out over and over, after 21 months can you say you faked it all? How can someone who I’ve known since a baby act that well? You opened up to me completely, told me things you never dared to tell anyone else, or admit to yourself. The way you looked at me was full of love (or at least I thought it was).
You cannot say that you faked our last weekend together. You were beside yourself in happiness. You were so obviously in love with me even the guards at the front gate couldn’t mistake it.

I was yours and you were mine.

What changed??

I am struggling.
I have tried hating you. I have tried deleting you from my life. I have tried crying over you. I have trying being so insanely busy that i can’t even think straight. Nothing is helping. Nothing is healing me.
I am fighting so hard to keep myself from drowning. It is tiring faking a smile, saying to everyone that “i’m ok” and “I’m coping just fine without you.” That it doesn’t hurt because “I am so use to you not being there.”
I can’t do this anymore.

People say to trust your gut. That your first instinct is usually the right one. Well guess what? That is screaming at me, telling me that you aren’t telling the truth. That for some reason you lied to me about not loving me and there’s another reason why we broke up.
But then why? Why did we break up? Everything was going perfectly fine. We were going to have an amazing summer together ….

I think i want to die.
This is destroying me slowly … Chip by chip.
Some days it still feels like a dream and I’m hoping that you’ll send me your “good morning, my beautiful girl. Hope you have a great day. I miss you and love you” text.

And after everything, i still want you back. After all the shit you have put me through. After everything that has happened. I still want you. Only you.