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‘Don’t panic?’ Yeah right! The last couple of days have been a lot less productive than I had intended. Mainly due to this ‘over-breathing’ thing that I can get sometimes when I am stressed. Its like breathlessness but rather than that asthmatic kind of wheeze, its where I am actually taking way to many breaths per minute over a long period of time, without even noticing. The result?.. Headaches, dizzy and generally walking around wanting to scream ‘ I can’t breathe will somebody come help‘ Obviously I don’t and nobody can, but its really uncomfortable and keeps causing sporadic full-blown anxiety attacks. Leaving me irritable and moody.

This is the point where I question my decision not to take meds. I just want the feeling to go away. I try not to panic, but when you cant breathe thats really kinda hard! Anyway, in my attempt to be a little more positive in this coming year, that’s all the attention my oxygen deprived lungs are going to get in this post!

Moving on to something a lot more fun and hopefully distracting from the above. My friend Peanut and I ( No Peanut is not her given name) are downloading left 4 dead 2 with the intention of getting good at it before her husband Sid and my gaming buddy Zach get it so we can play together. It should be a good laugh, peanut has rather a weak stomach and little tolerance for gore, I only showed her trailers and game play scenes on you tube AFTER she had purchased and started the download. She thinks she will be playing it with her eyes shut and will curse me if she starts getting zombie themed nightmares. Its been downloading for about four hours and is now sat at 52% Hopefully that will be done by tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow will also be the last day that I will be smoking. Although I have said that every new year for the last uh.. five years. I have smoked since I was thirteen and I smoke a lot so its a pretty big challenge. Although I know I can manage the cravings I have managed that a few times, the problem for me is around day 4 when my insomnia kicks in and just doesn’t go away. Usually it stresses me out but not this time! No, this time I have a plan! When I cant sleep, rather than tossing and turning I am just gonna get out of bed and game. I figure when I am tired enough I will sleep. Everyone just has to put up with me being Miss emo until then. ( Nothing new there really)

Blank space is kinda scary, especially when I have no idea how to start. Introductions I guess…

I am thirty years old, and live in the UK. Smoker, occasional drinker, no pets. That’s the basics out of the way.

Now for the depressing part., violins at the ready… I suffer from anxiety, agoraphobia and am generally so irrationally afraid of everything that I stopped functioning in the real world about two years ago. I have been this way for as long as I can remember, I guess it just went from bad to worse without me really noticing.

I am a gaming addict. Seriously, an addict. I climb the walls if my internet goes down. If I am awake I am on the computer. I guess it takes me away from everything, so far away I have not really left my house in two years! I do everything online, pay bills, order my groceries, there is nothing I need that I cant do online! Well, there are a few things, and when they crop up, and I know I have to go out, I enter into a melt down. Its really not pretty.

I am little miss negative. Anything I try, I have failed in my head before I have even started. Anyway, new year coming and although I am not expecting any sort of miracle I am going to try and change a few things about my life.

There is only one thing left, one dream, one ambition, that has not been taken and crushed by my lack of being able to function in society, and that is writing! Its the only thing in my life that I have done consistently. ( I have a trunk full of diaries from when I was aged twelve to prove it) As you can probably tell from this entry my grammar, spelling, punctuation is terrible, but that’s not something that cant be fixed right?

So with the new year coming, I plan to try and write a novel, and not listen to that part of my brain that even as I write this is telling me its a stupid idea, that I am not smart enough, not dedicated enough and that people will laugh at it. I mean its not like I have anything to lose.

Also I am going to try not to hide. This is hard to explain but I seem to be different versions of myself with different people. I try to ‘fit’, None of my friends know the real me. They all know different parts of me. Here in this blog space, anyone who stumbles across it will get me, all of me. My passion for gaming, my irrational rants, my somewhat warped sense of humour.

So to my readers, or followers. Perhaps friends in the making. You are my test dummies. You are the only people who will get to know Cassidy Riley, the real Cassidy Riley.