September 12, 2010

The Shroud of Turin is a subject I've been interested in for about 8 years. I did a lot of reading about it around 2003. I bought many books on it. I was very fortunate to become friends with arguably the most expert Shroud researcher - Barrie Schwortz - via email and have been in touch with him ever since.

For me the real fascination is around the theory that the Shroud of Turin actually is the burial cloth of Jesus Christ and also provides proof that he survived the Crucifixion.

Of course over the years there have been those have argued this both ways.

I've been fortunate enough to be involved in two recent projects on the Shroud:

Given the recent interest and press coverage of the Shroud of Turin I wrote a detailed article summarising the main features of the Shroud, main research done to date, and a section on if it proves Jesus survived the Crucifixion.

June 19, 2010

Two games gone so far in the World Cup for England. The first game was over shaddowed by the mistaken by Green, in ways much of the focus was on this point. Also England did play well in patches against the USA. Gerrard had a very good game that day. There were some positives against the USA.

After the Algeria game, however, I struggle to find any positive about any aspect of England's play. The only positive is that they did not lose. Some have suggested that Algeria were the better side. It was a desperate performance.

So what went wrong? Here are the main areas for me:

1. Confidence & Belief

England are low on confidence on the pitch. They may just need a lucky goal to change that, but it is costing them hugely. They are playing like a nervous team. I see very few players taking on opposition players. There is a sense of caution - often players have gotten in to good scoring positions - and passed instead of shot (Heskey and Gerrard spring to mind). Confidence is low, this is even more pronounced when you watch other sides playing with freedom and pace, such as South Korea or Japan.

How do you get this back? One way is to try changing the players - but other than that England just need a goal and a spell of dominance in a game.

2. Fitness & Form

I want to highlight something. England have key players in their team that are returning from injury. Rooney & Barry we know about, but also players like Johnson and Lennon are returning form injury. Lennon had a blistering start to the season, but was then out for months and is not at the top of his game right now. Rooney is not performing. I think form is important and I think some of the players are lacking form.

3. Keeping Possession

England team's have struggled with this in the past, and it seems to be back. It is linked to confidence on the ball and composure. England gave the ball away a lot and never had a period of sustained possession and pressure on the Algerians.

4. Invention and Skill

These are sorely lacking. Definately linked to the confidence thing, England need to start being creative, there are creative players in the team, but they are not performing.

Here are some things I think are NOT the issue that I think people are complaining about:

1. Capello's Style

Everyone has sung his praises during qualifying - you cannot turn on the manager now. He's of proven quality - we are wrong to think it is Capello.

2. Formation

4-4-2 worked in the qualfier games, suddenly it is no good for our team? The formula being used by the manager has worked many times in the past for England, but right now the players are not producing as they were before.

3. 2 Hour Notice for Selection

No problems here either, this has always been Capello's style - it worked during qualifying - it is no the issue now.

What Engand Need to Beat Slovenia

Start with Defoe and Rooney up front

Play Joe Cole on the left with Wright-Philips on the right

Get an early goal

Shuffle things around

Play at a high tempo

Get the crowd on their side early

I'm not very optimistic for the game - England need to completely change the way they've played so far - if that can happen just 5 days after a previous game time will tell.

I'll be one of millions not doing any work on Wednesday afternoon and supporting England, but right now it would take a brave man to back them to win.

What makes it worse is that Slovenia have looked good - fully of confidence and decent creative play - best of luck England!

June 13, 2010

Well, England never make things easy for themselves - there's never a dull moment with England in big tournaments.

I predicted an early goal for England - and that did arrive - although many (like me) missed the goal due to ITV HD going to an advert break at a crucial point!

Overall England were frustrated by the USA and a freak goal denied them the win.

There were some key areas, though, that England had problems with in my view:

1. Heskey

Played well and did exactly what he's been picked for - but when he was through 1 on 1 with the goal keeper we all knew he would not score. I believe a striker's primary role is to score goals.

2. Lenon

In the second half he had one moment where he showed his pace - after that he did very little in terms of feeding the strikers - more often than not instead of going down the wing he'd turn inside and play an easy pass instead - he's in the squad to scare defenders with his pace - I think he under performed.

3. Rooney

Where was he? The service in to him was not great - but I'd have expected him to adapt his play and to really have influenced the game - but he did not.

The midfield did ok, there was good play in patches from Lampard and Gerrard but despite England's dominance of the game they were not able to keep possession well - which seems to always be an issue with England in tournaments.

March 22, 2010

In March 2008 I started back at work for the first time following chemotherapy and involved field radiotherapy.

I got my diagnosis about 3 months in to a new job. It worked out well in terms of private medical care and the excellent support I received, which I would not have gotten from my last company. That was the good part. The bad part was that I had barley settled in to a new role and team when I was then off for six months.

Upon my return I had many challenges and in ways it felt like starting all over again. Again, I was very fortunate that work were understanding and supportive and had a standard 'phased return' programme that kicked in for sick leave as long as this. I had regular meetings with the medical people at work to increase my hours where appropriate and to review things on a regular basis.

I started on three days a week and 6 hours a day - over time this increased - and after 2 months it was back to full time.

Returning to work after this time off for treatment has a number of challenges common to most people going through this. The things you are likely to find difficult or at least worry about are:

1. How will people treat me?

- Will people react to me differently? Will I be seen as strange?- Will people ask too many questions? Will they not ask any questions at all when I want them to ask some?- Will I be given responsibility and an equal share of work - or will I be given too easy a time? Will others in the team think I am getting an easy ride?- Will people be overly sensitive if I say I feel tired?

These are all natural questions. I found that very quickly I slipped back in to how things were before. Everyone was great and welcoming and supportive. I felt like a new joiner for the first week, but after that it was all very natural and it was almost as if I had never left in terms of personal relationships with staff.

2. Energy Levels

- Will I have the strength to get through the day?- What if I really feel unwell during the day?

Take your time. That is my advice. A phased return is good if your employer can offer it. Build yourself up over time - you may become more tired more easily but if you build up over time the chances of you being able to work effectively are better.

3. Can I still do it?

- After chemo-brain I do not know if I can still perform in my job- What if I forget things?- Can I deal with the stress / pressure?

These are again valid concerns - it does take time to build these up. Being off sick for a long period changes your outlook on things. This can be a positive thing, small things will stress you out less, but also it can be harder to really 'care' about if person X gets his report on time or not.

My advice, again, would be to build yourself up and keep in touch with those close to you at home and at work.

4. Emotional State of Mind

- What if I burst in to tears when at work?- What if I lose my temper - I am a mess after chemo

I felt a bit like this as well before starting at work. I felt I coped with pressure far worse than i did before. There's something called 'Life Confidence' and I think a major illness dents this. With these two items, again, it will take time but it is important to know that those around you will make allowances for you.

5. Career Progression

- Will this hurt my career?- Will I still be considered for promotions as per before?- Will I need to prove myself again?

This is a slightly longer term issue but it was one I was faced with recently. Despite my time at the company I felt my job level was not reflecting where I thought I should be. Management did say this was because I had not been given the right projects, or work to demonstrate what I can do. My illness was mentioned as well as a reason for why promotion had not happened and was not on the immediate horizon.

This can be very frustrating, but keep at it, if you carry on doing the things you are doing well then your reward will come. This depends on the company as well - but as a general rule it is true.

6. Other

There are some other much more practical questions as well that arise:

- Will people look at me differently as i have less hair?- Will people even recongise me?- Will there be people who do not know why I've been off - how do I tell them?

These sorts of issues do crop up in the first few weeks, and there will be some awkward moments when someone will ask and you will say, and they will not really know what to say next - but not a big problem!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

There is light at the end of the tunnel! A few weeks ago I had my year end meeting and I did get my promotion and my hard work was appreciated and recognised.

In ways it feels like right now, 2 years later, my post-chemo return to work is finally complete. It is the clear tick next to my name and I feel fully out of that period of my life.

If you are able to deliver results you will have your work recognised and you can progress and put your illness behind you.

Emotional Support

It is hugely important to have emotional support when starting back at work. I was fortunate to have good support at work, but more important an excellent personal support network. The most helpful of all those mentioned was my fellow-hodger Rachel - I got to know her just around the time I started back at work - she was so great during that time I married her! (A few other factors went in to that decision as well I should say!)

Lastly, good luck.

Anyone trying to start back at work - my final summary advice: take your time, be patient and build yourself up slowly.

August 25, 2009

The Quran takes time to explain the relationship between the Arabamic faiths. The Quran shows great reverance for the faiths and scriptures of Judaism and Christianity while at the same time explaining where these faiths have deviated from 'the right path'.

The interfaith relations between these three Abrahamic faiths is a complex matter that has evolved over centuries - yet the Quran summarises so many complex issues in the most eloquent and succinct manner. Here are a selection:

1. Chapter 2 - Al Baqarah - Verse 112-114

[2:112] And they say, ‘None shall ever enter Heaven unless he be a Jew or a Christian.’ These are their vain desires. Say, ‘Produce your proof, if you are truthful.’

[2:113] Nay, whoever submits himself completely to Allah, and is the doer of good, shall have his reward with his Lord. No fear shall come upon such, neither shall they grieve.

[2:114] And the Jews say, ‘The Christians stand on nothing;’ and the Christians say, ‘The Jews stand on nothing;’ while they both read the same Book. Even thus said those who had no knowledge, like what they say. But Allah shall judge between them on the Day of Resurrection concerning that wherein they disagree.

2. Chapter 2 - Al Baqarah - Verse 112-114

[2:121] And the Jews will by no means be pleased with thee, nor the Christians, unless thou follow their creed. Say, ‘Surely, Allah’s guidance alone is the guidance.’ And if thou follow their evil desires after the knowledge that has come to thee, thou shalt have, from Allah, no friend nor helper.

3. Chapter 2 - Al Baqarah - Verse 136

[2:136] And they say, ‘Be ye Jews or Christians that you may be rightly guided.’ Say: ‘Nay, follow ye the religion of Abraham who was ever inclined to God; he was not of those who set up gods with God.’

3. Chapter 2 - Al Baqarah - Verse 141

[2:141] Do you say that Abraham, and Ishmael, and Isaac, and Jacob, and his children were Jews or Christians? Say, ‘Do you know better or Allah?’ And who is more unjust than he who conceals the testimony that he has from Allah? And Allah is not unaware of what you do.

These verses are contained within a couple of sections of the 2nd Chapter of the Quran. I felt once I had read the first 5 chapters of the Quran that I had a full appreciation for the interconnection between the Abrahamic faiths and Islam's response to them.

I have read numerous books related to these topics and many articles and papers online and the outline and overview given in the Quran gives the jist. It presents the key issues and the key points without going in to the details of Biblical scholarship, textual crticism, J.E.P.D., various codices and debates about scripture.

The explanations, even today, appeal greatly to the rational thinking mind and also help us understand the facts we observe around us. These are two key elements for a believable tradition and faith.

June 08, 2009

I attended this excellent event at the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community Mosque in Manchester, Darul Aman.

At the event i was given an area to exhibit some material. I had a selection of books by western scholars on the topic of Jesus surviving the Crucifixion and travelling to India, a large poster for Paul Davids' 'Jesus in India' movie, related magazines and leaflets and other books as well as a laptop running a short video with clips from relevant documentaries.

The event was very well attended and I had intersting discussions prior to the formal programme starting.

I found that those who came were of an open mind and had never even considered the possibility that Jesus survived the Crucifixion before. It was a fascinating experience. I spoke to one Catholic man at first and then had a discussion with a sunni Muslim about what the Quran says. I found both to be genuinely interested and intruiged by the interpretations of the Ahmadiyya community that i laid out for them.

Where i had expected opposition and debate i found fascination and follow on questions.

The key note address was delivered by the Imam of London mosque and followed a Q&A session. Both were excellently conducted with Imam sahib jumping topic with complete ease and comfort.

After the event i took the opportunity to take a DVD copy of Paul Davids' 'Jesus In India' and present it to Imam sahib as a gift explaining that it was the most recent and most comprehensive documentary on the whole subject.

Another fascinating item was Imam sahib talking about the 'Jesus in Japan' theory. He stated that he had visited the alleged grave and examined the legends first hand but did not find any supporting evidence. His working theory is that the grave belonged to some of Jesus' close companions and followers.

May 29, 2009

This may seem a very blunt message, and maybe overly so, yet it is something that I've been recently reminded of and something I feel is important to remember for me, and for those who read this blog.

Hodgkin's Lymphoma is the most treatable cancer out there - but it is important to know that people do die of it. There is a cancer support forum that i have been a member of for many years and within the last few weeks there have been two huge loses on there.

The majority of people respond to treatment. I was fortunate enough that my glands showed a 'complete response' after the first dose of the ABVD cocktail. Yet others are not so fortunate. For others the battle starts with ABVD and goes to many other drugs, often leading to experimental clinical trials.

Anyone who has Hodgkin's should be reassured that in most cases it is treatable and cured - yet it is important to remember that it is not that way for everyone. It is sometimes called the 'good cancer' and talked about lightly, due to high cure rates, yet I feel out of respect for those who have not been able to fight it off we should be very careful when talking about it in that way.

Life is fragile. Illness can be fatal. Lymphoma is a cancer and it can kill

May 26, 2009

During interfaith discussions a topic that comes up frequently is what one particular religion teaches about other faiths. It is a sad fact that Islam is seen as possessing a very narrow view on truth, when in fact Islam is the only religion that gives details information about other faiths.

The Holy Quran gives many details about exactly where the truth lies in other religous belief systems and also where they have erred.

The Holy Quran mentions directly figures such as Abraham, Noah, Moses, and Jesus. All are mentioned as truthful messengers of God and a Muslim must believe in all these prophets.

The Holy Quran is a detailed interfaith guide book. To give a flavour of some of the verses that highlight this inclusive feature of Islam I present the following quotes from the Holy Quran:

Al-Baqarah Chapter 2 : Verse 63

[2:63] Surely, the Believers, and the Jews, and the Christians and the Sabians — whichever party from among these truly believes in Allah and the Last Day and does good deeds — shall have their reward with their Lord, and no fear shall come upon them, nor shall they grieve.

Aal-e-`Imran Chapter 3 : Verse 65

[3:65] Say, ‘O People of the Book! come to a word equal between us and you — that we worship none but Allah, and that we associate no partner with Him, and that some of us take not others for Lords beside Allah.’ But if they turn away, then say, ‘Bear witness that we have submitted to God.’

The final judgement between the different groups is left to God himself as it states int he Quran:

Al-Hajj Chapter 22 : Verse 18

[22:18] As to those who believe, and the Jews, and the Sabians, and the Christians, and the Magians and the idolaters, verily, Allah will judge between them on the Day of Resurrection; surely Allah is Witness over all things.

Under the leadership of Hadhrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad (peace be upon him) the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community has expanded this inclusive religous teaching further. Hadhrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad (peace be upon him) also taught that Buddha (peace be upon him) and Krishna (peace be upon him) were also prophets of God and that Baba Guru Nanak - founder of the Sikh faith - also taught from the same Universial Spring of Truth that is God.

While the Jews teach of one chosen people of God, and the Christians talk of a single way to salvation through Christ, it is only Islam that talks about all the deep truths in all faith traditions.

24 certainly keeps you guessing - i was not a fan of the early episodes in this season - the characters were all new, and the established characters notably absent - but as the season progressed our old favourites came back - and things improved hugely.

24 Season 7 really did live up to the billing of the 'best season of 24'.

One of the most interesting twists - the role of an Imam as Jack Bauer is apparently on his deathbed. The Imam visits Jack at Jack's request and is the person who Jack seeks some sort of solace and intercessionary forgiveness from. Its a wonderful scene - beautifully done. There is no evidence that Jack actually converts to islam during this scene but it is clear he chooses his last moments to be spent with the Imam.

This scene - not surprisingly - has caused a lot of controversy. Some people feel that 24 has become too 'politically correct' and has become a 'diversity fest' - maybe this includes the fact that it had a black President of the US and in Season 7 a female President. The blogs i've read and comments by visitors are upset at 24 seeming to go 'too far' to be sympathetic to the Muslim community.

I absolutely loved the role of the Imam in this season - initially suspicion falls on one of his followers wrongly and later on he is the one closest to Jack as Jack faces death - in fact he is the last person to talk to him before Jack enters a coma.

What does Season 8 hold? Could Jack Bauer appear in Season 8 as a Muslim?

I'm not sure if America is ready for that - but it would be a wonderful story. It would add depth to his character and allow a positive image of Islam to be portrayed to a massive audience.

Is America ready for this? Probably not in the current climate - but with 24 always pushing the boundaries - this could well be a possibility.

What do the people in the blog world say? Here's a sample:

Blog Post 1:

"Now the final episode depicts Jack Bauer as looking up to the Muslim imam as, evidently, the only religious person he could think of to talk to during his last few breaths on earth. I guess the producers (and Kiefer Sutherland, the actor who portrays Jack Bauer, is one of the producers of 24) have now decided to carry their political correctness to the extreme.

Why did the producers of 24 ever feel the need to please and pacify the Muslim community in the first place? Do they honestly think that the viewers don't know what they're trying to do? Why not have Jack Bauer call in his family Christian pastor, for example? Maybe Jack Bauer has always been an atheist.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that Jack Bauer chose to talk to someone with some kind of spiritual authority, and I would like to mention that the actor who portrays the Muslim imam does so with just the right spiritual touch.

It's just disturbing that while the praise of the virtues of a Muslim imam are portrayed, the possibility of a Christian pastor's ability to give counsel are completely ignored, especially in light of the fact that 24 has many conservative viewers who might also happen to be Christians. 24 fans are wondering if Jack Bauer has now converted to Islam.

I think the producers of 24 should, in the future, focus on their original purpose for this show, and excellent writing, rather than being so overly concerned about being politically correct. After all, it wasn't political correctness that made this show popular in the first place."

Comment on this Blog Post

"Now I am not only sorry that I watched it - I am Mad As Hell. The stinking POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, rampant MULTICULTURALISM and ISLAMIC IMAM ASS-KISSING that has crept into this - formerly great - series along with Jannet Garofoolo (a bad comedian and crap ANTI-AMERICAN actress) - is flatly RANK and betrays the true Far Left spirit that is motivating the producers and driving this show - hopefully into BANKRUPTCY.

The Imam bit was the last straw for me and - as I read the internet - hundreds of thousands of other former "fans." Do these producers and writers forget that it was Radical Islam that powered the terrorists who murdered 3000+ of our American Brothers and Sisters on September 11, 2001?

I believe that Americans are SICK AND TIRED of being PUT UPON with the political PROPAGANDA that tries to pass as "entertainment." As a Behavioral Scientist and former student of Propaganda I can tell you that the "formula" goes like this: "Tell them 90 percent of what they want to hear and they will BUY the 10 percent that YOU want them to believe."

I - for one - will be contacting them and voicing my extreme displeasure toward your program. I can only hope that everyone else who is as DISGUSTED WITH YOU as I am will DO THE SAME.

One very FUNNY thing is that the Leftists don't like you and we Conservatives are tuning you out. Guess you know what that means - or do you even CARE?

Aidios you scuzball Leftists."

Another Comment on the same post:

"It didn't bother me one bit - it is just entertainment. I do think it was a way to apologize to those Muslim's that complained (or more precisely the political correctness movement) - that part I didn't agree with, but I personally did get two things from this part of the show -

1. That we can find God in the most unsuspecting places.

2. That everyone must pray for and reconcile with our enemies in some form or another.

Jack didn't recite the Shahaada (I think that is what you call it - the equivalent of the apostles creed) and Jack wasn't around Pastors"

Arif's View

Looks like 24 has a very vocal debate on it's hands here - just the sort of hype you need at the end of one season to get people interested in the next!

I'm already trying to find out when Season 8 will be on so i guess it's working!

What an interesting development it would be if Jack Bauer - America's most famous hero of recent years - was to find spirituality and religion through Islam.

March 20, 2009

One of the side effects for the first line chemotherapy treatment used to treat Hodgkin's Lymphoma today - ABVD - is as follows:

"Fertility: Your ability to conceive or father a child may be affected by this treatment. It is important to discuss this with your doctor before starting treatment. However, ABVD is less likely to affect fertility than some other chemotherapy treatments for Hodgkin lymphoma." [Cancerbackup.org.uk]

The standard advice given to men is prior to the chemotherapy to place a 'deposit' at a sperm bank. With modern technology sperm can be stored for decades and brought back later on and used to concieve. I was advised that while ABVD is less likely to decrease fertility this option is recommended and does not cost anything - and is fairly straight forward. Its like an insurance policy i was told - i decided to take the insurance.

The whole experience was strange - within an hour or so i was also presented with some numbers based on an analysis of my sample, along with pages and pages of consent forms. Here's a taster of the sort of question i had to answer:

"In the event of your death do you consent to allowing your wife / partner to utilise your sperm for conceiving a child?"

This whole thing occurs in the period of time where you know you have cancer - and you know you have months of treatment coming up - but you've not started yet. You are already pretty messed up emotionally - and then you have questions like that!

Also - then came the numbers... i was not prepared for a conversation about sperm counts! I had hoped the sample would be taken and frozen and that was that - but no - they had to check it was a good sample and check other things.

So before i even started any chemotherapy i was told that the counts in the sample were a little low. They were apparently not something to worry about - but i should come back for another couple of visits. To have your fertility brought in to question before chemotherapy had even started - knowing the ordeal that was ahead - was not nice.

What made it worse was my complete lack of preparation for any feedback on this subject on the given day - i had just been told i needed to come back in a few hours to get some forms!

Chemotherapy

Then comes the chemo! Chemo works by attacking cells that are dividing rapidly - this is why it can affect the production of sperm. Stronger regimes of chemo can have stronger effects and some forms can lead to the patient becoming completely sterlie. Pretty heavy stuff to take in at 25 - but i knew my chances with ABVD were far better and things 'should' be ok.

Theory Vs Practice

Well, I had 4 cycles of ABVD - my wife had 3 cycles of ABVD [fertility needs both sides working!] - and many couples with no chemo-drugs involved have issues with having children.

So. There's the theory. The practice? We got married in October 2008 and in January 2009 we found out we're expecting our first child. Wow. Looks like fertility was not an issue at all - in fact if we were in a system where drugs were commercially sold to patients and 'marketed' then i think my case could be used as part of an ad for ABVD - something like 'this couple BOTH had and are expecting their first child' etc etc.

Advice

So if you are stressing about this prior to treatment my advice is to concentrate on other areas. The advice to bank sperm before treatment starts is still good advice - but dont lose sleep over having children post-chemo - it can happen without any issues.

February 05, 2009

It was suggested to me a few months ago that after my treatment and return to work are seen as 'complete' that i should use this blog to publish research i'm involved in and findings i come across, especially in regards to the 'Jesus in India' theory.

For me the recovery and overall experience of cancer runs on far beyond the end of treatments. For this reason i will continue to include health updates on here.

However, these will be less frequent (hopefully!) and so i have been working on a partial re-branding of this blog to a more general purpose one.

In 2009 i hope to use it as an outlet for areas i am working on that i wish to share. Blogs allow you to catagorise posts - so that will allow me to divide up the posts and allow people to get to what they want.

January 29, 2009

I wanted to share this sales map with everyone. This is to reflect countries that have bought the DVD already - despite it only being shown on the Sundance Channel in the US. The geographical coverage is very interesting and amazing considering its only been available a little over 4 weeks.

This documentary includes sections from interviews i gave to Paul Davids near the end of 2006. Included in the bonus footage is a panel discussion that took place following the premiere screening in Palm Springs of the film. I was at this and take part in this discussion.

For those who do not have a copy yet i recommend getting one from the website or contact me if you want to buy and pick one up from me direct rather than buy online.

January 28, 2009

At this stage last year i was under going radiotherapy. Although it was still a form of treatment, and i was still of work, i remember i felt better each passing day. The chemotherapy drugs form a full assault on the body. The last Chemo treatment was on December 22nd and by the end of January i was truly over the chemotherapy side effects - the short term ones anyway. The radiotherapy had little effect compared to the chemo - i had sore skin at the stop of radiotherapy and the skin did break also - but after chemo this felt like absolutely nothing.

I felt more sleepy and was told this was common - i remember feeling sleepy a lot of the time. Other than that i was trying to build myself up for the months ahead.

As i neared the end of treatment i realised that i was going to have to try and go back to my previous lifestyle. That involved quite a few responsibilities and projects and tasks to manage. Work was a definite concern. I had only been in the job 4 months when i got my diagnosis and only 2 months of that had been in the team i was currently in.

What would going back to work be like? Would people treat me differently? What would be expected of me? How long would it take my hair to grow back? What would my energy levels be like with the commute to and from work? Would i be able to focus on work?

A year on now all of those anxieties and worries are water under the bridge.

It was hard getting back to all those things - there was a lot going on - it was difficult focusing on work at times. I needed to come back to work slowly, on reduced hours and days to start with. At times i needed to talk / email / post on forums about how i was feeling - my experiences - how i had found things.

Friends and family are just as important in this period as they were during treatment.

To anyone who is facing a return to work - or is trying to get things back in order following treatment i would say two things.

1. It gets easier with time. Don't expect things to be as they were before right away. A year down the line i think now i feel settled again at work. It comes slowly. Also you are a different person now - don't worry about that, but embrace it and view it as a positive.

2. Use that support network. After treatment is complete there's fewer hospital trips, fewer blood tests, fewer drugs to take - its less obvious to those around you that you are still going through this experience. Take whatever help is available to you and see your friends and family as often as you can

January 07, 2009

The film, along with my role in it, is now officially out there. The DVD has been selling well online also from what i hear. Its interesting to think about just how many people have now been exposed to the ideas, thoughts and evidence surrounding the 'Jesus in India' theory as a result of Paul Davids' film.

The film presents all sides of the arguments. It gives the evidence for, and also allows those who disagree to voice their views.

Some of the press coverage and reviews of the film seem to have not appreciated this. They seem to take the snippets of those who disagree with the theory shown on the film as evidence for the theory being 'weak'. Audiences are used to, perhaps, being 'sold' something and having to do their own reading to find out how much of that to believe.

One thing that i now realise would confuse many viewers is Islam's response to the tomb in Kashmir.

How many of those viewing the film are even aware that Jesus is recognised in Islam in the first place? How many are aware of the the Orthodox Muslim viewpoints about the Crucifixion and Ascension that the majority of Muslims adhere to today?

One commentator highlighted that 'not even the local Muslims' believe it to be the tomb of Jesus.

For orthodox Islam the idea of Jesus being buried anywhere is a deep heresy. They, like the Christian world, await his second coming from the heavens. What is fascinating is that despite this the locals are still adament that a Prophet is buried in that tomb.

Is it Jesus? No, no, - we are told - its "Prophet Yuzu" - who travelled from the West. They even talk about him having come from Egypt.

To find out more about what i said in the film and some comments relating those quotes visit this webpage:

December 16, 2008

I had an appointment with my consultant yesterday. He did his usual examination and looked over the results of a blood test i took last week. All were normal and uneventful - which is good. I had this nagging feeling the past few days that it was a significant date. Like a birthday or anniversary. The 12th was my dad's 60th birthday - so i assumed it was that - but something kept nagging away at me. I was sure there was something else.

Yesterday i realised that it was exactly 1 year and 1 day since my last infusion of ABVD. Its officially one year since the last dose of chemo. Its incredible to think of all that has happened during the past 12 months. Its been an amazing, epic journey.

In ways it is another landmark along a journey - some aspects are fading away in to the past, such as memories of trips to the hospital for the chemo, yet other aspects of the 'journey' are just beginning.

Paul Davids' Jesus in India Explores Controversial Theory That Christ Traveled To IndiaPremieres As Part of Channel's DOCDay Programming On Monday, December 22nd At 9:00pm ET/PT

NEW YORK, Dec. 10 /PRNewswire/ -- Sundance Channel has scheduled a Christmas week premiere for Paul Davids' documentary Jesus in India, which examines controversial theories and legends that place a traveling Jesus Christ in India. Written, directed and produced by Davids, the film will debut as part of the Channel's regular Monday DOCday programming on Monday, December 22nd at 9:00pm et/pt.

Jesus in India explores questions surrounding Jesus' whereabouts from the ages of 12 to 30, a period variously known as the "Hidden Years" or "Lost Years." The New Testament offers no detailed description about His activities during that period; the only reference to those 18 years is a single sentence in the Gospel of Luke. Leading the film's investigation of these years is Edward T. Martin, the author of the new book "Jesus in India: King of Wisdom - The Making of the Film & New Findings on Jesus' Lost Years," and he also authored the previous book that inspired this motion picture, "King of Travelers: Jesus' Lost Years in India" (either book available upon request). Martin dates his curiosity about the "Hidden Years" back to his youth in Lampasas, Texas, where he was raised as a member of the fundamentalist Church of Christ. While working as Peace Corps volunteer in Afghanistan in 1974, Martin had his first encounter with East Asian accounts of the historic Jesus Christ - including the Indian legend that the young Jesus joined a caravan and took the Silk Road to the East, where He lived in India with both Hindus and Buddhists before returning to the Holy Land to begin His ministry.

Jesus in India follows Martin as he travels through India in search of documentary evidence of Jesus' presence in the region. The journey spans some 4,000 miles, including a visit to the Hemis Monastery in the Himalayan Mountains, where an ancient Tibetan manuscript about Jesus is said to be housed. The film also delves into other astonishing stories concerning Jesus' possible presence in the region, including the legend that Jesus survived the crucifixion and secretly returned to India, where he lived out his days.

As it attempts to sort legend from history, Jesus in India presents all points of view through interviews with respected theologians and religious authorities of the world's major faiths. Scholars appearing in the film include Princeton University Professor Elaine Pagels, author of "Beyond Belief: The Gospel of Thomas"; Professors Alan C. Mitchell and Anthony Tambasco of Georgetown University; and Rabbi Yitzchok Adlerstein, Professor of Jewish Law and Ethics at Loyola Law School. Representing Buddhist and Hindu viewpoints are the Dalai Lama, the spiritual leader of the world's Buddhists, and, in a rare interview, the 145th Shankaracharya, one of Hinduism's four ecclesiastical leaders. Among the others joining in the film's lively discussion are the late Monsignor Corrado Balducci, Apostolic Nuncio of the Vatican; historian/author Michael Hesemann, a Vatican-accredited journalist; and Brother Chidananda, director of publications at the Self-Realization Fellowship (SRF), the spiritual movement founded in the 1920's by Indian sage/teacher/author/philosopher Paramahansa Yogananda. According to noted critic Pete Hammond, "Jesus in India is a fascinating and profound film, a deeply spiritual journey certain to make you think and question in ways you never have before."

Under the creative direction of Robert Redford, Sundance Channel is the television destination for independent-minded viewers seeking something different. Bold, uncompromising and irreverent, Sundance Channel offers audiences a diverse and engaging selection of films, documentaries, and original programs, all unedited and commercial free. Launched in 1996, Sundance Channel is subsidiary of Rainbow Media Holdings LLC. Sundance Channel operates independently of the non-profit Sundance Institute and the Sundance Film Festival, but shares the overall Sundance mission of encouraging artistic freedom of expression. Sundance Channel's website address is www.sundancechannel.com.

RAINBOW MEDIA HOLDINGS LLC

Rainbow Media Holdings LLC is a subsidiary of Cablevision Systems Corporation (NYSE: CVC - News). Rainbow Media is a leading producer of targeted, multi-platform content for global distribution, creating and managing some of the world's most compelling and dynamic entertainment brands, including AMC, IFC, WE tv, Sundance Channel and VOOM HD Networks. Through IFC Entertainment, Rainbow Media also owns and manages the following: IFC Films, a leading distribution company for independent film; IFC Productions, a feature film production company that provides financing for select independent film projects; and IFC Center, a three screen, state-of-the-art cinema in the heart of New York's Greenwich Village. Rainbow Media also operates Rainbow Advertising Sales Corporation, its advertising sales company; Rainbow Network Communications, its full service network programming origination and distribution company; and 11 Penn TV, a company that manages Rainbow Media's NYC studios and post-production facilities.

So there we have CNN, AOL, MSN news, and Yahoo. Not bad considering the film is not for another couple of weeks.

The movie will be shown on the Sundance Channel this Christmas, three times, yet also be available on DVD from the date of the first showing. The DVD is actually available for pre-ordering now from the movie website - just click the link below.

November 10, 2008

On the 21st of October i took part in a screening event for Paul Davids film - Jesus in India.

It was the premiere screening of his latest film - Jesus in India. I was interviewed for the film and have been involved with some bits and pieces surrounding it. The screening took place in Palm Springs, California. Following the screening a Q&A session was held with a panel of people involved with the movie and i took part in this.

The following morning an informal breakfast was held with those involved in the film and other guests and i was able to attend this with my wife. Amazingly the dates for the screening had fallen perfectly for us to be able to both attend the event as part of our honeymoon. It made for one unique experience for sure and gave the honeymoon an added extra special touch.

October 20, 2008

On Friday 17th October i got married. The same day we had the legal registry and also the Islamic part, the nikkah, so by about 6pm on the day we were husband and wife by all measures and standards!

The girl i married - Rachel - also had had Hodgkin's Lymphoma and we got talking through a lymphoma support forum. Through this same forum Rachel had been in touch with a lovely couple from Scotland. Wullie and his wife Veronica had also been through the trials of Hodgkin's with Wullie having undergone treatment twice. He has now been clean for a year. Rachel had told me that Veronica in particular had been a huge help and source of support when Rachel was having her treatment.

On our wedding day both Wullie and his wife and two lovely daughters attended our wedding. It was a huge honour to have them there and they too felt privilaged to be there - so everyone was happy! A lovely, lovely touch.

Currently we are both in LA with the big 'Jesus in India' film screening taking place tomorrow evening - watch this space!

October 03, 2008

On September 22nd i had a check up appointment with my consultant. In preparation for this appointment i went in last week and had some blood tests - 4 ampules worth of blood no less!

The appointment was at 2pm - yet i was sure it was 2:30 - which meant i got there for the wrong time! Thankfully it was very quiet - advantage of seeing him as a private patient - and so i was just seen after a short time.

My fiancee was kind enough to travel down to London to be at this appointment with me also - its at these appointments that i feel so fortunate about having someone with me who knows all about Hodgkin's and the treatment and all the terminology etc. She's been to two with me so far and its been a great help.

I introduced my consultant to her and explained who she was, our background, and her staging etc. The consultant, upon hearing of our wedding plans, immediately sought to reassure her regarding my treatment and fertility - which was good on his part, as i was going to bring up the subject later but glad he did so himself. He also said that girls react better to to Hodgkin's and its treatments. We talked about the clinical trial she was on and about radiotherapy vs no radiotherapy.

The blood tests and physical examinations were all fine and he set a follow up appointment in three months.

Also he said that he didn't feel the need for any repeat scans either - so next time will just be blood tests too. Next appointment is set for December 08 - hopefully i'll be married by then living with my wife.

On that front things have been less than smooth! The legal registry of our wedding is all set for mid October, but the other parts (for those of you asking 'what other parts?' i suggest you google some workds like 'nikkah', 'wali', 'rukhsati' and 'walima'!) are not too clear just yet.

Pretty sure i'll be legally married in a few weeks - but on the other items - watch this space i guess!

September 18, 2008

Its all happening. Everything is changing. Thankfully things on the health front are pretty static, but everything else is in transition. The month of Ramadhan has been testing, but its very good to be able to participate fully in it this year. Work wise, the world of investment banking is changing by the minute.

There are huge changes a foot in the next 8 weeks in most other aspects of my life also.

I'm getting married, going to LA for a special screening of the film 'Jesus in India' in which i appear, and hopefully moving from living with my parents to living with my wife in our own place.

All that within a period of about 8 weeks.

The question arises who am i marrying - and the answer to this is hyper-relevant for my blog. Mrs-Arif-to-be is also a hodgkin's lymphoma survivor. We had very similar stories of diagnosis and treatment. She was a stage IIA with enlarged nodes in her chest. She had 3 cycles of ABVD and was / is part of a clinical trial where she was randomly chosen to either have radiotherapy or not - she didnt have any. Just as she was completing her treatment i was starting mine yet it wasnt till after treatment that we got in touch via a cancer support forum. Sharing with someone of a similar age who REALLY knows what you are going through is something very special. We both have benefited from that ever since. She works as a bookseller and during her degree in race and ethnic studies with philosophy she took a year of Islamic studies and was the only non-Muslim in the class - but thats another story...

So its all happening - i got a lot to look forward and if i compare how bright the future is looking today compared with this time last year its quite amazing.

So even as the markets tumble, and as i sit here counting down the hours till i can eat again, and knowing my bank balance is going to take a hammering over the next few weeks, i still have a smile on my face and i'm looking forward to the future.

August 29, 2008

Saturday the 16th of August was an ordinary day. The sun was out - it was not really warm - but not cold either. I remember i had a meeting at the mosque with one of the graphic designers from the web site team i manager for MKA UK. As i was leaving i saw one of my uncles was over. I met him, talked to him for a while about how things were, and then went to the mosque. I got back from my meeting with lots of ideas and things to look in to.

I spent the afternoon in my brother's room as he was in my room watching a football game. I worked on some designs for the Tomb of Jesus Website and other sites. Pretty much business as usual.

But it was a significant day at the same time. The same day the previous year id been in hospital, having had an infection in my biopsy wound, and had been ready to return home when i got some news from the Haemotology consultant that i was not expecting nor prepared for in anyway.

"We have the results from the biopsy. We'll be treating you with a combination of chemotherapy and radiotherapy."

A million thoughts went through my head. All i could manage to actually say at that point was "Really?"

To which i got "Yes.." and he carried on with the details about what ABVD was and the length of treatment. Nothing about prognosis, nothing about cure rates, nothing about side effects. I was told to stay in hospital to have some more tests and that things would begin ASAP. In addition i was told the following day one of the nurses from the haemotology clinic that give the drugs will be over to talk about things.

Then the consultant left, as he was in a rush as he was going on holiday.

What do you do next? Firstly you take a deep breath! After that i went out to get some air and then called the family. What do you say? One thing that is perhaps hard for others to understand is how bad it is giving someone bad news. Its never nice to make someone sad, but when you know they are being made sad because of you there is some guilt there. It sounds crazy - but you do feel it - its like you are placing an emotional burden on someone. Having said that i know the family would want to know immediately. I spoke to my dad - anyone who knows him will know he is calm about pretty much everything - he heard what i had said - said that it sounded like it was a malignancy and that they would be over later that day.

What a 12 months its been. Life is different now in every possible sense - and all in positive ways. I'm not saying that going through what i have has been a positive experience - what i am saying is that where i stand right now is a far better place than where i stood this time last year.

There is a lot to be greatful in all aspects of my life. The past 12 months have lead to an upheavel of patterns of normal life and thinking - and have taken me mentally, emotional, physically, and spiritually to places i've not been before.

I want to talk about my health at the moment. I am still feeling fine and thinking less and less about cancer. I have an appointment in a few weeks as a general check up and will have some blood tests and a general examination. Relapses do occur, i know people who have relapsed and know of those that have died due to lymphoma - but the longer things stay clear the better the chances that this illness has actually being cured. As well as hearing of those who have relapsed, there are those who have been clear for 30 years or more.

Its been a journey - and i know it will continue to be.

Lastly I'll rip off the words of Delta Goodrem again - who also had hodgkin's lyphoma and went through chemo and radiotherapy too. In her song 'Extraordinary Day' in which she talks about the day she got her diagnosis she says:

"I know, I can't change fate of that July the 8th and it was never the sameI know, this stage is frightening but its oh so enlightening is this how karma goes"

July 29, 2008

Its been a journey. If i was to relate all the stories and situations i've faced over the past 4 days it would be a very, very long blog post! Its been a historic Jalsa for so many reasos, full of significance and meaning, and for the 6 hours or so when i was actually at the site and released from duty to attend the event it was a moving and emotional experience - there's nothing like Jalsa.

The highlight of the day i went - Sunday - was the International Bait. I cannot desribe the feelings and emotions of being part of 10's of thousands of people speaking in unison pledging to serve the faith and live by the ten conditions of bait - which include pledges of obedience, high moral standards, being regular in prayer - each linked through a human chain formed simply by placing one hand on the person in front's shoulder. It was around 30 degrees that day - this took place at 1pm - we were in direct sunlight - yet i had shivers through my whole body during those moments.

People describe the Bait ceremony and re-affirmation of the pledges at Jalsa as a type of re-birth. For me as well it felt like a landmark day and event - Jalsa Salana is always a highlight of the year for an Ahmadi Muslim and it feels for me that coming out of the Jalsa experience is a fresh start. The past year's trials started around Jalsa 2007 - this year at the end of Jalsa 2008 things are very different.

Those who know me may be wondering why there's a big bit of news that i've not talked about at all on this blog - all i'll say is that im waiting for the right moment - "all in good time" - is one of my favourite phrases.

July 24, 2008

The most exhausting time of year for me is the end of July. Every year the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community hold an annual convention in the UK - in recent years this has attracted in the region of 30k people. The members in the UK form the bulk of the volntary team that manage all aspects of the event.

As a child the three days seemed long and it was always hot and lots of walking around. As a teenager i got involved with the duties around the event, that was even harder. Over the last 5-6 years things have gotten tougher each year as my role has grown and as ive been involved in more senior roles. The period of time through which duties are required is 2 weeks. Tough.

The build up to Jalsa 2008 for me has meant lots of organising and administration. Its meant co-ordinating and dealing with lots of people and arranging meetings, finalising minutes, creating maps, and producing rotas - i'm not running a department, but it feels like it!

Now its coming up to the crunch time and this weekend gone was a very tiring one - the next 10 days are going to be a huge test. To be effective the duties in the three days of Jalsa [25,26,27th] have to start very early with the traffic + car parking areas being the main ones to plan / worry about. So i'm gonna have some very early starts and long tiring days. Gonna be tough! I have a good back up team and i hope they will be able to chip in fully - just one day of work left and then it will really begin…

July 08, 2008

I took part in the Ahmadiyya charity walk on Sunday 29th June - the walk attracted around 4,000 people and given this year's special significance for me i uped the ante on the collections and people contributed very generously [thank you everyone!]

JustGiving was the website i used to raise the sponsorship and id usually spam out the link to everyone i know - but this time i had to be a little bit more careful.

There are still people who have no idea about my diagnosis and treatment and return to work over the past few months. Even when i sent the link out selectively there were still some who found out for the first time via the link - not too nice - but at least they were able to do something positive after hearing and contribute to the cause.

The walk itself went very well - it was of course tiring but my recovery was pretty good afterwards and if anything it helped give me more energy and encourage me to get back in to some proper sports / exercise! With an amazing wimbledon final having just taken place on the weekend i think it will have to be tennis again - hopefully i'll be coming to a court near you soon!

July 03, 2008

I think it was Friday 20th June that i had my OH meeting. The lady i had been seeing to date was on holiday and so i met a new guy this time. I looked him up on the internal directory - so id know what he looked like to help find him - and he looked like a big old grumpy guy!

Looks can be decieving! He turned out to be probably the nicest person ive had to deal with during the whole experience - he was well informed, sympathetic, warm, fully understanding and seemed to know what to say and when. There were things that i was thinking that i did not talk about but that he seemed to know i was thinking - a bit freaky!

He said how this meeting was meant to be just a final check - how the plan was that i would come along and say that everything was fine with returning to full time and that we could all move on. I said how generally things were fine, how being on the support rota was testing but id passed that one, and how this week had been very busy. I light heartedly asked if he'd seen me on a Friday on purpose as it had been a long week and i was worse for wear on Friday. He then switched in to a more serious mode and asked about if i had been finding i get more tired.

We then had a good chat about energy levels and chemotherapy - he said that i should not feel upset or frustrated at my energy levels not being back to full - he suggested that it would be a full year before that happened and that i should not think 'will things ever get back to how they were?' energy wise, because they would. He said how until then i should be careful and just appreciate that things may take more of a toll than before.

He said not to do anything silly, and suggested not taking part in the next London Marathon - i said that I WAS taking part in a charity walk next weekend but it was just a half marathon walk, and he felt that was fine.

The most impressive part for me was his comments about the follow up appointments. He asked about that - and i said that i was scheduled to have follow up for 5 years - and immediately, probably picking up on my feelings regarding that, he said:

"And that should re-assure you and not worry you in anyway.."

Great comment. Id heard it before but he then went in to an explanation about that. He really knew what he was talking about too - his advice was not general, but specific to lymphoma and my case too, impressive! He explained how in my case doctors are confident of the lymphoma being 'cured' and said how it may seem strange using the word 'cure' but he was going to use it in this case [which is an accurate description] but said that its rare that someone will be 'cured' and doctors say that they dont need to see him ever again for checks ups.

Its things that others have said, its something that logically makes sense, but the follow up for that long has always seem like a burden, or a chain round my neck that id not be able to fully shake off for years - but after his explanation i did feel a lot better.

At the end he said that he would like to close my case from an OH point of view - he said this with some pride almost and happiness and said that i must be feeling very happy. At this point i said how things had not really sunk in - how during the whole experience i've just done what i was told to do next and not reflected on it all really.

Right away he picked up on this and moved in to 'serious' mode and said that often its months afterwards that the whole thing sinks in - and makes you think 'wow, now that was actually quite scary' - or something like that - and he said that if thats the way im finding things to not be afraid to seek counselling. Even then he didnt call it 'counselling' - he called it 'cognotive help' which again, made it sound a lot nicer!

Upon me leaving he said how its funny, but that his parting sentiments would be that he hopes not to see me again - we joked about that and said how it must come with the territory working in OH.

A really nice experience, i've been very fortunate having such a supportive employer and its certainly increased my feelings of some sort of loyalty to them.

The fact that i've not had a chance to post on here should be a good sign! Up until relatively recently i've been not too busy at work - this has allowed me to work on other projects - but the last two weeks have been hugely busy at work! Just when i didnt need it as well!

On the evening of the 19th of June my previous company had a reunion just down the road and i was hoping to go along and see some familiar faces id not seen for a while - that very week of that event work got really busy and i was in the office till close to 8pm a few times, which is not that late, but later than ive been used to to date for sure.

The following week was even more busy and as i had two days of training as well i found myself logging in from home on evenings to get things done in time for a pending deadline. It was a good test of being really really busy and seeing how i got on - i was mentally exhausted a couple times but just about held it all together - although it did mean i didnt see much of family and friends for a while!

Overall i feel very much back to full on work wise. I had a good meeting with OH and also a good follow up letter from my oncologist - i'll post these in a separate post.

June 16, 2008

I got the results of the CT scans today and all is well. They showed some scar tissue in the right axilla which is to be expected and apart from that there was nothing else. The phrase at the end of the report from the radiology people said 'No evidence of the return of the disease' - which is a good phrase!

I do not have to worry about these things now until next time - which is the 22nd of September.

June 15, 2008

As promised here are some snippets from a few other blogs of those dealing with Hodgkin's Lymphoma - i'm gonna include a brief summary of their age, location, staging and where they are at with their treatment. When reading other's experience i found it interesting how many of us were reflecting on the exact same thoughts and concepts.

One positive of this whole experience is getting to know this community of lymphoma fighters / survivors - its been very interesting to see how people from such diverse backgrounds and belief systems and cultures are able to support each other selflessly through all this.

Well here are the blog snippets

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Darren (aka Daz), UK

Stage II

Diagnosed January 2007

18th January 2007

I have something called Stage II - nodular sclerosing Hodgkinson's disease. Which basically means the cancer still within my lymph systen and has not yet spread to my organs or bone marrow - Bonus!!I have two tumours one in my neck approx 1.6cm diameter and one in my chest approx 1.4 cm diameter.My treatment will be 12 fortnightly sessions of chemo (ABVD) - told ya so!The treatment would have been just 6 or 8 sessions but my other symptom of night sweats (uuuurgh!) means I'll be getting the full bifta. All sorts of blood tests during chemo, mid-term CT scan and a completion PET scan in Aberdeen also to look forward to. Lets get this party started........................

JUNE 2007

“I asked him about the likely hood of a relapse which is always possible with any cancer but especially with the Hodge. For a bloke of my age and condition (ripped!!) I have roughly 85% chance of cure - that's about 1 in 7 chance of relapse. I must admit, relapse has been on my mind quite a bit since I was told I had the all clear, I keep getting the odd twinge in my neck around the biopsy site and often mistake the small scar tissue lump for for a swollen node with a corresponding leap of dread in my chest until I realise that its nowt to worry aboot. I'm now on the lymphoma follow-up program and my next appointment is in three months time.”

JANUARY 2008

I've had this bloody cold and chest infection for over 6 weeks, even had a course of anti-biotics to little effect. More ominously, in recent weeks I've felt a little 'gladular' particularly around by biopsy site and also more tired than usual - pretty much how I felt when I was diagnosed!!! And get this, the hair on my face which stopped growing when I had the radiotherapy has stopped growing again! Hope this is just some sort of radiotherapy flashback and nowt more serious.

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Bekah

Aged 24, US

Diagnosed – Jan 2007 – Stage IVA

Clean Scans in May / July / November

Relapsed January 2008

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Choices

As life hands each of us challenges, we begin to realize it is not the challenge that will mold us into the characters we are, but how we choose to react to these challenges.

Last week through a pathology, oncologists did confirm that the Hodgkins Lymphoma has returned. My choice is to continue with treatment.

February 13th, 2008

There is something incredibly devastating about this illness when you're going through treatment. In turn, it is something pretty obvious as well.

Cancer is not beautiful nor sexy. It is not attractive in any shape or form. And no matter how much positive energy, will power, and fire you have inside you. It is still cancer, it can still be depressing and bleak and overwhelmingly heartbreaking.

Any illusions of this form of treatment being tolerable have subsided. As this past week has probably been one of my darkest, in my life. Hence me not updating. Trying, desperately to figure out how to state, "god, I hate this disease," in an eloquent fashion. And creating the facade of everything being okay. Instead of feeling broken.

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Rachel

Aged 23, UK

Diagnosed March 2007 – Stage IIA

July 2007 - Clean PET

Tuesday, 20 May 2008 - This cancer card lasts forever, damnit

This is a rant so you should probably stop reading now!

As the title says, this cancer card lasts forever. Yeah so mostly I may say that I'm over the whole cancer thing and I may be 'better' and I don't really get worried about stuff like scans, blood tests etc, but this cancer thing is for life and I've never denied that. There has to be a silver lining somewhere and mine is the CANCER CARD, damn you, and you're NOT taking that away from me.

What do you think when you get a cough? Do you worry that the tumour in your chest is back and making you cough again, or do you think ooh time to get out the cough medicine to ease my poor poor tickly throat? When you get a cold, do you worry that there's something dodgy going on in your immune system again, making you unable to fight off simple bugs, or do you think ahhh time for some Kleenex Ultrabalm and a fluffy blanket and a day in bed? If you feel tired and achey, do you wonder if it's a symptom of something sinister or do you think you must've had a busy week at work? Can you guess which ones I think, which ones I'm SUPPOSED to think? For the rest of my life I'll be on high alert for symptoms and clues. You don't know how easy you have it. So, I have a cancer card, it's still valid and it's valid for the rest of my life. You're not taking that away!

Rant over.

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DARREL HALE

23 year old, US

23 year old Colorado native and classical musician. Graduated from the University of Colorado with my BM in Bassoon just in time to be Dx with NS Hodgkin's Disease. Finished that battle in Oct. only to have it return in Jan. '07. Oh, what a wonderful life!

January 2008

I just wanted to take a moment to update all of you on the results of my 9 month post-transplant scans. These three month check-ups have become part of the nerve-wrecking pattern that my life has now assumed, at least the next few year. Not fun, but important and unavoidible. This Decembers scan was especially taxing because it was this time last year that my scans showed what would become a relapse. I have been feeling pretty good for the most part, with my energy and clarity of mind returning almost to pre-treatment levels. My lungs and sense of touch are still not back and although they are not expected to ever fully recover, I am finding ways around the limits they impose.

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Wullie

32 Years Old, UK

Diagnosed - June ’06 – Stage IIA

December ’06 – Clean PET

"The scar tissue in your chest has grown a bit. I'm really sorry."Never mind sorry; what the hell happens now."I'm going to go down the road of high dose chemotherapy followed by a Stem Cell Transplant. Sorry"

Veronica and I stumble from the oncologist in a state of absolute shock. This wasn't in the script. Only three months ago we were told "You're in complete 100% remission with little to no chance ofrelapse!". How the hell did we get here? Today was supposed to be the day I could put the nightmare of the last 8 months behind me. What is going on?

June 11, 2008

I've always felt that a real test of how well i am these days, mentally and emotionally and physically, would be how i coped with things when work got busy / stressful. This week I'm on support for Tuesday to Friday - Tuesday morning i was in at 8am and it was non-stop drama right through till 5:30ish. We had the biggest issue we've had for weeks and a mistake by me was the root cause! That only came out later though, the initial stress was co-ordinating the effort to get things back up and running and later the causes were investigated - it was something quite obscure - but about 4/5 different teams had to be involved and there was a report that was unavailable to clients for 3 hours!

Everyone was really nice after saying it wasnt my fault and in ways it wasn't but in ways it was and sometimes its easier if people are not overly nice when you've made an error! Anyway, it was as stressful as it could get and very senior people got involved and the whole issue has been disected in minute detail by the whole global team so its been testing - but i just about made it through - and in ways i won some respect and credit during it too.

Its another achievement for me - another item to chalk up on the list - in ways its answering questions about if i can 'cut it' that were around before any chemo! A nice evening would have been good, but i had more IT woes at home with Royal Mail and Smartstamps - wont go in to that!

I still need to call up the hospital and book an outpatient appointment to go over the CT scan results and blood tests i had last time - should sort that out today actually.

Overall things are ticking along but I feel i need to get on with life now - get on with bigger and better things in life - march through more milestones and get myself back on course regarding the bigger goals in life to go beyond the daily routine.

June 08, 2008

This week i was back in the office following the week out of the office.

I thought it may be hard getting back in to the work routine after that week off - but instead i felt very much refreshed and ready for work. Working full hours mean i typically get home at 7:30pm and there's always website related tasks i need to do in my evenings so time during the week is tight.

To be properly ready for work the next day ive found that i need to sleep earlier and earlier - often i'll be in bed by 10pm these days.

I did have two rough commuting days on Wednesday and Thursday and subsequently it was very difficult motivating myself to go to work on Friday. Its hard to know if thats a post-chemo thing, or just a general feeling.

I made it through the week - although i admitt Friday afternoon was not very productive at all!

Next week i'm on production support again - this mean 8am starts again - thankfully i dont have to do this on Monday - but will the rest of the week. My manager is off for two weeks - but this is a bad thing as he is very useful for support related queries and general questions!

Healthwise i feel ok - i full day plus some tasks in the evening does tire me out - but i think its to be expected. Fighthing your way from A to B on a packed tube is always testing.

Friday lunchtime i managed to make it to Friday prayers in Aldgate East - i'm glad i made that although that trek too takes its toll with lunch being delayed.

On Monday i hope to book an appointment with my Oncologist to go over the CT scan results and blood tests - probably will have an appointment in the next few weeks.

Other than that its been a good week - i was asked what my 'ideal' job would be and / or where i would like to be career wise in 10/20 years - i really struggled with that one!

June 02, 2008

Had my CT scan today - i dont like CT scans! There's so many steps to it..

A week before you will get a package from the hospital with two bottles containing a contrast medium. The contents of these bottles are to be diluted and drunk at specific times on the day of the scan.

The stuff in the bottles tastes horrible! Even diluting it and adding some squash will not disguise just how horrible it is!

I had to drink one load at 6:30am, another load at 9:30am - then two cups worth at the hospital itself - and then one last cup just before going in.

Ok - so then you lie down and they get ready.. you then have a cannula placed in you and then as you are going through the spinning ring the injection kicks in and you feel hot all over your body - a very strange feeling indeed!

During the scan you have to hold your breath at various stages and sometimes have your hands above your head - all quite tricky and not very comfortable.

Once that was all done i had a blood test - that was quick and much simpler than the scan - i then went home and worked from home for the afternoon!

I get the results of the CT scan in about 10 days - need to book an appointment for that.

Before the scan i was not allowed to eat anything either - and the contrast medium drink messes up my stomach always so ive been quite careful in what i've eaten in the afternoon / evening and tummy is still rumbling and making weird noises!

June 01, 2008

It seems ages since i was last at work. I've been off work since Friday 23rd May and been up to a mixture of things. The first weekend i did very little indeed - i watched the England cricket team appear to throw away a test match and then Monty Panesar turning the game on its head and England somehow winning!

On Bank Holiday Monday i was involved with the set up for the Khilafat Centenary event held at the Excel Centre on Tuesday. I was with another couple guys and transported some exhibition boards from Morden mosque to the Excel centre and then drove home - that alone took out the whole day.

The event on Tuesday was truly historic. While the rest of the Muslim world searches and prays for some sort of strong leadership the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community celebrates 100 years of being led by a Khalifa - the exact system the others are crying out for. Other Muslim groups believe the Khalifa / Caliphate will be a secular leader rather than a spiritual leader, the correct model of Caliphate is there right under their noses, yet they are instead hell bent on trying to destroy the Ahmadiyya Community rather than embracing it.

Getting 17,000 Ahmadi Muslims to the Excel Centre on a weekday was quite something. I travelled with my family and pretty much in charge of getting us all on and off the correct trains. The day was a long one and we all got home about 5:30pm and had lunch then! It was a special day but a very tiring one.

On Wednesday and Thursday i had some personal time and drove up north and came back on the Thursday evening.

Friday was a testing day also - work encourage their employees to take part in community work - they liase with charities and put together projects for people to volunteer on. The one i did this year was sanding and varnishing benches at the Royal Hospital of Neuro-Disability. It was a tiring day but rewarding and great to see the work the hospital does as well.

I got home exhausted Friday evening knowing that the next 24 hours of my life would be dominated with helping a friend move from Kingston to Feltham!

Saturday was the main day of the move and my mum's A-Class was a great help. We were able to move everything in just two trips, including at least 4 suitcases and a bike!

Sanding benches followed by helping someone move house is a killer combination but i just about made it through - Sunday has been a quite day physically!

Monday i have a CT scan and also some blood tests - i'll post more about that tomorrow once i'm done.

May 23, 2008

Ok - yesterday i was being very negative about things - but i was exhausted and the early starts definately had caught up with me. Wednesday night i had gotten to bed about 10:30ish - just before the penalites in the Champions League final - but didnt get to sleep till around midnight - i think that took its toll also.

Thursday evening i had a huge headache and felt light headed and all the rest of it - it was depressing and i was half feeling that maybe working full 5 days a week and getting in at 8am [which is not that early really] is just beyond me post chemo - that was not a nice thought! Thursday evening i rested and was in bed by about 9ish and slept soundly.

Today im pleased to report things are much better - the headache has gone and ive been back on form work wise - we had a meeting this morning for the current project im working on and i was able to contribute hugely to that - as has been the recent trend which i hope to continue.

So perhaps I can make it.. getting in for 8am generally is a good habit and will help me progress here career wise - wonder if i can keep it up - or is it going a bit far too soon as ive never been in that sort of routine for my entire working life to date? Guess i'll experiment and see.

Energy wise i have some days off next week too along with a charity day that i'll post about as well - so should be a good opportunity for some battery recharging!

May 22, 2008

Its Thursday - and its about 3 minutes till my day at work ends - i'm almost there - but i am not in good shape! Each day this week ive had to be at my desk for 8am - that is a lot harder than it sounds, its meant leaving home around 7ish. So far ive made it each day, although each day ive been getting up slightly later and rushing that little bit more.

I've been starting at 8am as ive been on the support rota this week - first time im doing support too - thankfully that side of things has gone very smoothly. Its taken its toll on me though. The start of the day is fine - and i'm buzzing at 8am - but come 11ish things seem to drag and the afternoons are hard! Concentration is not what it should be and they have not been the most productive days at all.

Come the evening and i'm exhausted. Its definately a cumulative thing too - roll on Friday and the bank holiday weekend! Last two evenings ive been struggling to stay awake passed about 9pm.

Having said all that negative stuff its great that ive been able to get through it (assuming i make it through tomorrow) and its another thing to tick off on the recovery / rehabilitation checklist - the OH lady will be proud when i tell her. Right - home time!

May 15, 2008

It was exactly 3 months ago that i had my last dose of radiation. February the 15th.

A lot has gone on since then, a LOT.

One thing that is clear to me - and its something ive read on other lymphoma blogs - that this whole struggle / experience / ordeal / trial does not end with a clean PET scan. It does not end with returning back to work. It does not end with going back to full hours. It does not end at all. It becomes absorbed in to your very being and essence and becomes a part of you.

I remember a close friend of mine talking about some seriously life changing experiences in her life that i only found out about many years later. Looking back she wrote something along the lines of:

"Over the past few years I've been working on my own life road as well. In between health problems, depression, broken relationship, suicidal tendancies, substance abuse, and a life of crime its amazing that i'm still on this planet...."

She went on to talk about this reflectively saying:

"That period in my life is a part of me, but i dont let it be the definition of me"

I feel there's a lot to me taken from that. But you know what? Putting the cancer thing 'behind you' if you like is very difficult, there's 5 years of follow up for a start. In addition its unfair on myself to try and forget. I cannot remove it from my being, its part of me, its part of who i am. Its not the definition of me, but its a part of me that will always be there.

I dont think of that as a negative thing.

I remember joking with my good friend Abubakr that if i was a character in a play / film / story then i've suddenly become a much 'deeper' character based upon all thats happened the past year. I've always been a complex person, made up several different facets, but now there's added breadth of experience combined with even more depth! Again, i feel ive been a very deep person anyway - but after this year i can draw on even more experience and feeling.

Going forward then - for the next 5 years - the doctor's trips and all the emotions and feelings that go along with that will still be around.

How does that influence my outlook on life?

Its something i have to factor in when planning all aspects of life. It affects career plans, personal plans, marriage plans, family plans, property plans, investment plans.. most things!

Does that get me down? Not really - i am just aware that my needs and requirements and wishes in life are quite different to what they were a year ago. Its all part of the cycle that is life and its certainly been an interesting journey.

The rest of this year in itself promises to be a very interesting one - there's scope for a lot of change in this time - watch this space.

This five days a week thing is hard! On its own it would not be too bad but throw in having some very early starts [well, earlier than i'm used to at least] along with lots of tasks to manage and compete in the evening and it becomes TOUGH.

Right now its Thursday afternoon and im sat at my desk rubbing my eyes a bit, wondering what im supposed to be doing and trying to motivate myself to do it! I got a coffee and a snickers to hopefully rally the energy levels and alertness. Getting out of bed in the mornings has been harder and harder each day this week. On Wednesday i was at my desk for 8:40, which was good, but it took a real concerted effort, and much suffering on packed trains / buses - yet really that should be the time i'm in everyday.

From next Monday i'll be on production support for a week. This will mean getting in for 8am, and being open to lots of stress and having to work on business critical issues - quite daunting! Doing support anyway is daunting, and being in for 8am everyday in only my second full 5 day week is daunting too, put them together and its gonna be one hell of a week.

At the same time i know i'll be very busy in the evenings as Jalsa is approaching and there's still always a million and one things to do on the websites i manage...gonna be tough..

May 13, 2008

During Chemo time went very slowly indeed. This was not necessarily because i was anxious or worried or that i was always 'waiting' - but more due to the complete change in daily routine and level of activity. I went from moving jobs to a big investment bank, buying a flat and doing DIY work there almost daily, managing at least 7/8 different websites, keeping in touch with a diverse array of friends and colleagues, and all the other bits and pieces to then quite quickly having almost none of those.

My level of activity during the treatments dropped massively. I still had a lot of tasks to keep me busy - but it was very very different to life before chemo. I had a lot of spare time, i had to conciously plan tasks to keep me busy, i sought out projects to keep my brain ticking over. In some ways it was very nice to have that. I couldnt be too ambitious, though, in terms of what i worked on when off as i was not feeling 100% by any means and was always being told to rest - and on days didnt feel like doing anything majorily involved.

As a result of this drop in level of activity time just seemed to slow down. I've often said that during that time each day felt like three separate days. The nights also dragged. My sleeping patterns were all over the place and keeping a routine was hard, especially as at times id feel tired / sleepy in the middle of the day.

Now that i'm back at work i can finally say that time seems to be speeding up! I've been back at work for almost 10 weeks and its gone very quickly. Its already May. Jalsa is approaching, once Jalsa is out the way it will be August - that was the time i got my diagnosis last year. In ways it seems much further away than a year, in others it feels much closer than that.

So is it nice time moving quicker? In ways it is, things progress more, and its nice to have a routine similar to other people rather than being in a world of my own, yet in other ways its a bit scary how fast things are going. You appreciate things more when time goes slowly, where as in the current hustle and bustle things are racing past all the time.

Having said that things moving on and always changing helps avoid long periods of time spent doing nothing but worrying or over-analysing things. Its been a journey - the last year - and spending too much time dwelling on it can be negative. Having said that its important for me to remember what ive been through and draw strength from coming out the other side.

May 09, 2008

Its been a long week. The daily routine is getting to that level where i feel i'm running non-stop. This has been made worse by meetings in the evenings - its so happened that this week ive had events / meetings in the evening wed / thurs / fri. In addition to that i had a pretty early start on Thursday when i was on the 7:50 train and at work at 8:40. The heat also has taken its toll, although its been really nice overall.

I'm glad its Friday, but the hard work does not stop there for me sadly - now as Jalsa Salana approaches things are starting to get very busy. I'm sure i should be taking things easy, but right now it feels like im stuck on an escalator that just keeps going higher and higher!

Its been an interesting few days as well at the same time; seems like there's never a dull moment in life, but that level of activity / intensity takes its toll, especially when things are so busy in relation to work, websites, Jesus in India stuff, personal relationships, professional relationships, personal projects, Jalsa, and emails!

This weekend should be good - there's talk of 28 degrees - summer seems to change everyone's mood and the whole feel of things.

May 06, 2008

Moving to full hours is a big thing. Staying an extra hour at the end of the day is not too bad - coming in for 9am is more tricky! This morning i was on course for the 8:20am train - that would have gotten me to my desk for about 9:05. Its a 45min journey if all goes well.

I got to the station and both ticket machines were out of service so there was a long queue for the single ticket office position that was open. The queue went back up the stairs to the platform! Needless to say i missed the 8.20 train and got the 8:34.

Travel at that time means ur unlikely to get a seat and due to the number of people using the train then its always busy and slow getting in to Waterloo! Once at Waterloo the queue for the bus was probably about 100+ people long when i joined it - it even went round a corner! The busy journey itself - which is 10 mins if all goes well - took over half an hour.

I got to my desk at 9:40 and the whole experience is just stressful and tiring! Thankfully i didnt have any 9am meetings today, but on Thursday i have meetings in the morning from 9am through to 11- so need to be properly awake and settled at my desk for 9!

One nice thing is the weather - i think many of us are now getting that summer feeling after the long weekend - roll on summer!

May 01, 2008

As of the week starting April 28th i am officially up to full time. I've described it as 'sort of' full time, because this week i had Monday off, and next week is a 4 day week. This means that i'm officially back at full hours and days and so full pay, but that i have another couple of 4 day weeks to ease me back in.

Wednesday was the first day i went for a 9am start - and it was tough! The biggest issue though was more the rain than anything else - whenever it rains public transport seems to move extra slow and i did get rained on a lot at various times during the day - that added to the general change-in-routine feeling and it was a tough day! The journey home took almost an hour and a half and i had a meeting in the evening at the mosque too!

Thankfully the meeting got canceled due to a wardrobe malfunction for the meeting organiser... you wouldnt believe me if i told you...it did take out my evening though as i prepared for the meeting, got showered and changed, drove to the mosque, and meeting was only canceled about 9:20pm.

Today is Thursday and i was at my desk for 9:15 and its been a much much better day so far, even the sun is out.

Here is the main text from the letter by my oncologist to my GP and everyone involved in my case - emphasis is my own.:

"Re: Arif Khan

Diagnosis: Stage 1A mixed cellulairty Hodgkin's lymphoma of the right axilla Diagnosed August 2007. Treatment: September to December 2007 four courses ABVD chemotherapy. Completed IF radiotherapy February 2008

I reviewed Mr Khan on 7th April 2008. Clinical examination revealed no lymphadenopathy and no palpable liver or spleen. He is now six weeks from completion of the radiotherapy, which went almost uneventfully, apart from minimal irritation of the site of the radiotherapy in the right axilla. The plan is to follow him up on a three monthly basis in the first year. I have organised for him to have a CT scan and haematological / biochemical profile in June.

Yours sincerely"

Its good that the examination appeared to be clear and we'll see how the CT scan goes. I can't feel any enlarged lymph glands anywhere so im quite optimistic that all should be well.

April 21, 2008

Thought id post on here to let everyone know i'm still plodding along. Still surprises me how people still read this blog, but its a good way to check up on me, and i'm glad they do!

Things have been good since the last post. Last time the post-treatment checks were at the forefront of my mind but now the meeting with my consultant seems a long time ago - and the scans in June a long way off. Managed to have two long overdue reunions last week, the first was at the Peninsula with guys i worked with at Cerebrus, the second was for Dim Sum with the Searchspace lot - although on both occassions it was just 4 of us - but definately worthwhile!

Had some informal feedback from my manager today at work as part of the annual review process - he mentioned a couple of areas to improve on and also had some very nice things to say about work ive been doing lately - although we both talked about how its a bit odd with the 6 month break. Good signs though, he's my line manager and he had far more positive to say than negative - so im happy!

Thursday i meet OH again - i'm pretty sure i'll be going back up to 5 days a week from next week - that will be good - it means my pay should be back to full if nothing else, as last couple months it has dropped a bit as i passed the 6 months landmark.

5 days a week again will be another checkpoint to tick off on the return back to something like 'normality' on the work front at least.

April 11, 2008

The past 6 weeks have both flown by and gone slowly. It seems a lifetime ago when i was starting back at work post treatment and worrying about how that would all go. A lot has happened during that time and a i feel very different both physically & mentally than i did at the start.

Things have gradually increased workload wise yet its been pretty much the perfect mix of not being too much yet at the same time not being too little. Initially when i started back i was given a lot of help, then slowly more responsibility was moved to me, and then the guy i work with was off for almost 2 weeks - pushing me to the forefront - that was a good step!

Last week was probably the most productive of my time here and then this week has also been very good. Its not been as busy workwise but ive been working longer hours and also been fully involved in the new project we are starting.

The project will have myself and james dedicated to this one project for the whole rest of the year - and the scope of it is huge too. Its a chance to start from a clean slate almost and get my teeth stuck in to something major. The project manager is new to the area too so its a fresh new team in ways.

I'm on 4 day weeks currently - next week i'll do the same - but i'm considering moving to the full 5 days a week a bit earlier than planned before as its getting to the point where the day off is disrupting the flow of work .. the fact i get paid a bit less for each day i take off may also be a factor!