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Sunday, June 9, 2013

I have been silent in the blogging world for quite some time. I have been off the rails, as it were, but as any good train-who-could, I am trying to get back on. I'm documenting things over on Facebook. It's just easier for me to update there. Come "like" me if you like.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

In discovering more about my personality I've come to decide that clutter causes me great anxiety. I grew up with a pack-rat (borderline hoarder) mom, and a father who was about the same. Neither liked to throw things away "just in case" they needed it some day. I find that I'm the opposite. I tend to throw away too much and regret it later, but it makes me feel good to get rid of things. When things are too cluttered I get in a sort of panic and only really calm down when things are back in order. This is why I love (you read that right) folding laundry so much. It's creating order out of chaos.

That's a central theme in my life, though. I love to organize things (but rarely keep them that way). I love folding a basket of laundry (but can take days to put them away). I adore re-organizing my desk and office supplies (but find it difficult to maintain). I'm constantly on my kids to pick things up, full well knowing that (as children), they will have things out again in 12 minutes. I can also relax a lot better if things aren't cluttered around me. I can't rest and enjoy the evening if things are out of place.

I'm trying to get over these feelings. I always feel like I'll end up like my mother with so much "stuff" that I won't know what I actually have.....so I always strive for clear, empty, clean spaces. When I start to feel that panic I am trying to deal with the feeling and come up with a plan to make it better.

Friday, January 18, 2013

I had a good thing going some months back. Then I decided it was all too much, that my mind was far too fragile to deal with weight loss. This, of course, gave me the golden ticket all of us food addicts crave to eat whatever we want. If it sounds good, eat it!

The truth is, I'm a food addict and I will always have this struggle in my life. What I have to do is find out why I'm so broken and how to glue the pieces back together. In the past several months I have found a church I really love and I have been seeking spiritual help.

Another truth? I can't do all this alone. I am weak, but I want to be strong. I really do. I know in my heart I have to dig deep and find my strong. But what happens when you start to dig and the hole you find seems so deep that you can't see the bottom?

I've come to a point in my weight struggles where the physical toll this is taking on me is huge (no pun intended) and my energy comes from caffeine.

I want to love myself as others do - I want to see myself as others do, but in reality I don't. I think part of what I need to do is forget the past. Yes, I had a fantastic go of weight loss a while back, it's true! But a while back is not not and a while back isn't going to make me succeed now. What I did before doesn't matter, you see? Because before and now are two totally different things and now is the only thing I can control.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

I work in a coffee and cheese shop. At the coffee shop we serve incredible espresso coffee drinks and our dessert case is full of sweet treats like homemade muffins, cookies, brownies, cobblers, and other lovelies. And did I mention that the coffee shop also serves specialty ice creams? On the cheese shop side we have a number of incredible cheeses (another of my weaknesses) and we serve soups and sandwiches - two more of my favorite foods.

Yesterday my goal was to be in control. And I can't tell you the number of times while at work I wanted a cookie. Or some ice cream. Or a yummy coffee drink. But I knew in my heart that if I wanted to meet my goal of staying in control that I couldn't even have one little bit of any of those things or I'd spiral out of control. So I ate a small salad instead.

Now, I full well know that I can have any of those things in moderation. But not right now. It's too dangerous for me. I know my limits, I just rarely listen to them.

But for one day, I did.

Today I have the same simple goal. Stay in control. I don't work today, which oddly enough you'd think would be easier. But it's really not. When I'm home I can sneak food if I want to, without anyone knowing. At work it's not that easy. So. Today - in control.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I kind of don't believe in them. I never have thought that the beginning to a new year is the perfect time to make a change. I get that it's symbolic and I'm not saying I haven't made them. I'm just saying they don't work for me.

I have seen a lot of folks say, "JANUARY FIRST - I'M GOING TO GET HEALTHY!" And you know what I say to that? That's awesome. Good for you! And I mean that. I just know that when I say on a certain date I'm going to start eating healthy it's basically just a pass to eat with wild abandon until then. And when the date draws nearer, I get scared because that means - I have to give all this up. All this "comfort" (which is anything but comfortable and borders more on shame than anything).

All I can do today is give being in control and aware of myself my best effort. That may seem like a cop-out to some, and that's ok to. I just know myself. I know the lies I tell myself (and others) when it comes to food. And I know that this step is what I can handle today. Just this one.

Monday, December 31, 2012

I have renamed my blog. I think in part because I have felt like such a failure at it. Saying Goodbye to the fat girl inside of me (who just happens to be visible from the outside at the moment as well) is going to take a lot more than blogging. It's going to take some reinventing of myself...it's going to take time - because....and I've faced this......I'm not fat just because I like food, or because I like to cook.

I have issues.

Chances are you do too. Are you aiming to reinvent yourself too? Join me. Let's do this thing together, yeah? We're going to succeed. We're going to fail sometimes. But let's just take a step or two.

Monday, November 12, 2012

The title of this blog is "Goodbye, Fat Girl!" When I first started it I was all excited about commuting to weight loss, and I delved into the weight loss community online. I felt incredible support and saw some great results. Then I don't know what happened. I got tired of being "good," I suppose. I got lazy, mostly. Once I ran my first 5k, I sort of fell off the map.

And EVERY FREAKING TIME that I come back here and write a post it goes something like this - "I'm ready go get back on the wagon. I am going to do what it takes to get healthy because I really want this and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH." And what happens? I do flippin' awesome for a week. I feel like I can rule the world. And then the second week comes. And I get cocky. And I stop tracking. And I gain back everything I lost that first week, and then some. And then I say, "SCREW THIS."

This is a mental thing. It's all mental. I know the science. I know how to make healthy choices. But what I don't know how to do is get over my mental issues. I'm grasping at straws trying to find something that helps me open up myself. Weight Watchers was another bomb for me this time (not WW's fault - MINE).

So I've joined yet another challenge, but with some pretty amazing Thirty-One sisters, including my friend "Jean." I can't stop searching, guys. Hang in there with me if you're so inclined. If you're tired of my wishy-washiness, that's ok too.

But I'm still here. I haven't said "goodbye" to that fat girl yet, but I plan to. Even if it takes the rest of my life. I will bid her a fond farewell.