Monday, April 1, 2013

CENTER FOR CHORAL DISEASE CONTROL: SPECIAL ALERTS

ALL POINTS BULLETIN: SPECIAL MULTIPLE ALERTSLOCATION OF OUTBREAKS: DALLAS, TX

The American Association for Polyphony Elimination (AAPE) has ordered an international arrest warrant for MICHAEL WALDENBY, a Swedish composer whose work "Homini dies" is cited for breaking into an illegal musical form called a "fugue" during the ACDA 2013 National Conference in Dallas (accessory to this crime of polyphony is the University of Louisville Cardinal Singers directed by Kent Hatteberg). Waldenby has a long history of polyphonic contamination due to his studies as an organist in Sweden. He currently also leads the Stockholm domkyrkokor. Approach with caution: suspect should be considered L'Homme Armed and dangerous. He has been seen in possession of various deviant cantus firmi in unapproved modes as well as recognized as having contact with Renaissance contrapuntal demonic species.

MICHAEL WALDENBY

AAPE's subcommittee The League of Unapologetic Meandering Pandiatonicists (LUMP) has also ordered the arrest of JOSEP VILA I CASANA for his use of intentional, rather than unintentional (pandiatonic) arrival at polytonality in his work "Salve, Regina" also during the outbreak of violations in Dallas, TX. Casaña is also considered dangerous as he is armed with various cabalistic Guidonian Hand sliderule instruments of torture as well as various secret manuscripts by the French heretic Darius Milhaud. Again, the accessory to the crime is the University of Louisville Cardinal Singers directed by Kent Hatteberg.

JOSEP VILA I CASANA

AAPE's affiliated organization Ninths Shallrule Forever (NSF) has also ordered an investigation into the entire works of BRIAN GALANTE for his failure to end his composition "Exultate" with the required ninth added to the major chord. The accessory to this failure is the Pacific Lutheran University Choir of the West directed by Richard Nance, once again during the scandalous ACDA event in Dallas, TX USA. Once Galante is apprehended NSF believes they can "convince" him to add the required major ninth to this ending as well as all other works in his catalog and hope that this young man will be rehabilitated.

BRIAN GALANTE

AAPE's other affiliated organization REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPEFUL yet AMORPHOUS MUSIC (RRR-HAM) has ordered an international arrest warrant for composer PAUL CAREY, who publicly stated during said Dallas, TX outbreak of mayhem that he could not possibly write any scores to such texts about music such as "I am the Music", or "We are the Music", or "You and I and that Sad-Looking Guy over there are the Music". Carey also disavowed any interest in setting texts such as "The Children are our Future so Hold Them Tight and Never Let Them Go even if they Finally Tell you it Hurts", or even "Sing a Song for the Children, but don't take away their Nintendos if they don't Actually Listen to You", or "The Children are our Song,Yet Hope for the Future is Actually Quite Dismal but we will Sort-of-mumble-sing about the Children Anyway". Carey is not considered dangerous, just delusional.

Paul Carey

Finally, AAPE continues its plea for cooperation in the discovery,
arrest, and imprisonment of Public Enemy Number One, the heretic J.S. BACH who constantly goads AAPE with his gorilla guerilla attacks and who claims
recently to have celebrated his 328th birthday. Obviously this is further proof of his unnatural sorcery. There are some rumors that he may have gone
underground near this location in Germany.

The most recent brazen
contrapuntal attack by Bach and his dastardly minions came in this recent internet
post of something called a crab canon (obviously Bach's so-called art is naturally drawn to associate with lower forms of life such as mindless crustaceans):