life is great, except for one small thing….

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I’ve been thinking about schedules a lot this week. My last graduate school class starts this week, and thus I feel the pinch, again, of working full time while also being a part-time student. Luckily, this’ll be the last time we have to deal with it.

The problem, of course, comes in that work has given me a special dispensation about my schedule – I’m still working my hours, but it’s on a modified schedule, and I have a coworker helping me cover the times that I’m gone. And then the idea is that I would also be going for RE appointments. Or really, just the one. I really just need to schedule one and get it over with, but I think I have a raging fear of it being somehow the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And of course, the RE I’ve chosen, although close to both home and work, only has daytime hours. For some reason, the ones that are both reasonable and nearby in Manhattan only have daytime hours. I’m guessing there are enough patients that it doesn’t matter. Who knows.

But I have a ton of fear. That my boss will not give me the time, or give me a hard time about it, or any other twelve hundred things. That they would want some kind of explanation of the need for doctor’s visits. I mean, I can lie – the first, at least, could be a regular check up. But who wants to lie?

The process of dealing with needing help. I’m having a really hard time with the idea of needing to see a doctor, not even really about the procedures – I’ve read a lot online, I have a pretty reasonable idea about almost anything they might want to do.

That despite all the help, we’re going to end up back here, no baby, poorer, and still facing down something like adoption. Which isn’t bad, but that’s not the road we started on.

Just gotta suck it up and do. And let the scheduling stuff work itself out. Maybe.

This is also my social anxiety at its worst. Having to pick “the right” doctor, and then scheduling with them, and blah blah blah. UGH.

Today is also mikvah day – a ritual immersion that allows me to have sexual relations with my husband, and something I usually really enjoy. It’s just gotten harder and harder and harder as the time goes on. You don’t go when you’re pregnant (except sometimes women go in the last month of pregnancy) and so, each time I go, it feels just a little more like a failure. Ugh. I’ve cried the last several times I’ve been – in the preparation room. Sigh.

ETA: As I was writing this, my amazing husband was contacting my old RE that we can’t use because of insurance (although we wouldn’t have used him anymore anyway…) so we are underway for getting my records from them. That’s a huge relief too. I’m also really curious to see my chart as well!

In the world in my head, I imagine people sitting around discussing fertility diagnoses like they do on those medical shows, where there’s a rapid-fire discussion of symptoms and possible problems that fit. A round of testing, and suddenly, the mystery is solved. Unless of course you’re House, in which case it’s some brilliant bit of deduction (disclaimer: I have watched +/- 1 episode of House)

What’s Been Going On

So, after 12 cycles, almost all of those charting, we have some pretty good info on what’s going on with me. The good news is that my cycles are fairly regular. The exact day I ovulate tends to differ depending on the month, but aside from that, it’s between 28 and 30 days. Even the three cycles that were longer followed the same pattern – during a time of stress, my body geared up to ovulate, stopped, waited just about ten days, and then ovulated. Which means, that in all 12 cycles, I ovulated. Big bonus.

DH and I have had some testing done, at around 6 months of trying deliberately. I had an HSG, which showed that my uterus is in fine shape, but there is potentially a blocked tube lurking. It’s hard to say without more investigation, but…that’s there. DH’s Semen Analysis came back normal, so as he says “I’m feeling potent!

Things I’m Pretty Sure it’s Not

Male Factor Infertility (MFI) – Since DH’s SA came back normal, it’s unlikely to be Male Factor Infertility. This is important to rule out, since a lot more cases of infertility are caused by MFI than people realize – it’s seen as a “woman’s” problem.

PCOS – This is a big deal, because I’m fairly sure this why my parents had trouble conceiving. Sometime soon, I’ll write a post talking about the family history of infertility, but for now, it’s nice to know that, whatever is going on, it’s not the same as theirs.

Endometriosis – No symptoms, and no diagnosis. Obviously, this one can lurk in the background, but for now, I’m leaving it here.

Things it Could Be

The most obvious – the potentially blocked tube is actually blocked and has just been messing with our timing, and either opening it or just riding it out for a little longer will get us where we want to be. If so, maybe this will be the shortest infertility blog ever.

Some kind of hormone problem. This would most likely be progesterone, but there are other issues that could be there too.

Premature Ovarian Failure – Meaning, my eggs are older than me and getting pregnant will be hard. Doubtful, as I have no symptoms of premature menopause, but it can also be asymptomatic.

Hypothyroidism – My mother and my aunt (her sister) both have this, so I wonder sometimes if this could be it. I am hopeful that the RE will test for it, and if he or she doesn’t, I will likely ask for it.

Something else that I don’t know about yet. And that’s really where this whole thing is going – what else are the doctor’s going to find out?