Thursday, December 8, 2011

So Tired

This afternoon made a pretty good day into another trying one. I'm so tired of dealing with all of this shit with my daughter. She had her friend's grandpa call me & ask me if I'd please visit her tonight. First off, I've been sick & haven't wanted to get showered & dressed to leave the house for any reason, let alone one where I'll be stuck in a room with a bunch of strangers, talking to my criminal daughter on a phone for 30 minutes. She wants me there as a captive audience to her tears & drama, to make another attempt at convincing/guilt-tripping me into changing my mind about living here, paying her fines and phone and so much more. That isn't going to happen this time.

I don't trust her. She lies and steals from us, with no thought as to how much that hurts us or her relationship with us. She cares only for herself and what she wants, and is happy as long as she accomplishes that. She'll worry at a situation until we give in just to shut her up & we know this, which is why we're limiting our contact with her.

I won't have her alone in my home again, and because of that, she can't live here. We're afraid we'll come home one day to nothing but a wild tale of how a burglar came in while she was asleep & took everything, because in her mind, that's believable & she'll convince herself that it's the truth so that she can be justifiably outraged when we call her on it. This has been true for as long as I can remember with her, no matter the proof we may have to the contrary, she'll insist on her lies.

We deserve this time of peace & calm in our lives. We spent 20 years together, 17 of those was raising kids, the other 3 have been dealing with Rhi as an adult, still wanting to be taken care of like a child, but wanting her freedom like an adult. Chaos, unmedicated crazy, stealing, lies & noise. Too many broken promises to really want to consider doing it any more.

I'm sure it isn't about to get better, she gets out of jail this weekend & I have no doubt there will be non-stop drama from that moment on.

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About Me

Within ourselves lies a drive, a force that only makes sense to us. It is that force that can make a person crazy. Crazy is only what you make of it. In the past, most people have been trained to think that crazy is a negative thing... but I repeat, crazy is only what you make of it. Crazy is a state of mind comprised of desire, anger, knowledge, courage, fear and devotion. Crazy makes people fall in love. Crazy makes a musician and an artist talented. Crazy makes a dying man take his own life. Make what you will of this, but I cannot believe I would be any better off sane. Therefore, I am, and will remain, crazy.