It’s 6.11am and my brain has been whirring away since 4am. I had a bad dream and then a mosquito attacked me and I haven’t been able to get back to sleep since. Oh yes, also my pug was panting all night. It’s hot so I can’t really blame him but that didn’t stop me from putting him down on the floor around 5.30am. He seems to prefer it though (or at least the panting has calmed somewhat).

Aside from all the little disturbances, it’s mostly been my brain that’s been keeping me up. Despite having plenty of awake time, it seems to think the hours between 4am and 6am are optimum spots to consider things like: social media posts, things to raise in today’s management meeting and what/who’s been annoying me lately. While I agree that these are all valid things to think about, I definitely don’t agree that 4am – 6am is the best time to do so. I mean, come on. I went to bed around 11pm, and, thanks to my over-active brain, I now need to operate all day on 4 – 5hrs broken sleep. Thanks for nothing, cerebrum (not sure if it’s actually the cerebrum’s fault but I have no patience to run a google search right now on what part of the brain is actually responsible for this travesty).

This doesn’t happen to me all that often but, when it does, goddamn it’s frustrating. I can only imagine how maddening it must be for people with insomnia. There have been times when I’ve felt it coming on where I’ve popped half a Valium just so I could be done with it. Tonight (or should I say, this morning?), I realised too late that I wasn’t going to be getting back to sleep and a Valium at that point would have left me groggy all day. If those are my options, I’ll go with tired and cranky 99% of the time. Don’t know why. Sucker for punishment maybe.

Then again, maybe I should be grateful. After all, some of what my brain is throwing at me is actually useful stuff it hasn’t been able to come up with during the day. Perhaps what I need to do is have a chat with it about how to take notes (so it doesn’t forget) and then it can raise all these great ideas with me in the morning, when it’s a reasonable time to have these discussions. Surely this is something the brain would be open to? I mean, we all have to get along in this body of mine. No point pissing one another off unnecessarily. Of course, this assumes my brain is benevolent and interested in helping me and working together. If it’s not… we’ll, let’s not consider that.

Well, this is pretty much the opposite of what I was doing last Saturday and I have to say I’m so glad for it. I feel like I have finally come good again and am excited for the week ahead… for life in general, really.

The brain is a strange thing. We only have so many happy chemicals so, when we deplete them, we simply have to wait for them to be replenished. There’s no way around it. And that waiting is terrible. Everything feels grey and pointless. Each day is a murky wasteland of failed attempts to feel just a little bit less bland.

And then something else happens. I know it’s cliché but it feels like a shroud has been lifted and, all of a sudden, life is brighter. You have energy. You want to make plans and do stuff. The gym seems like a definite (possibility). Hell, you’re even excited about it. For myself, I start making all kinds of promises to myself about how well I’m going to eat. I look into detoxes and healthy recipes to try and cancel out all the comfort food I gorged myself on while I was wallowing in my meh-ness. Anything seems possible.

We’ll see how long it lasts. Probably until the next drinking session eventuates. I tell myself no, but really, who am I kidding?