Someone donated 2 butt plugs* and a vibrator to our corner clothing drop. Coincidence or not a new mattress encased in plastic was lying out too. Not bedbug wrapped. New. Gotta love the hipster influx.

The above-depicted material (the Jujubes add a rather festive flourish of which I am particularly fond) strikes yours truly as the stuff of a very enchanted evening. As is often the case with this kind of thing, I am reminded of a quote— actually an essay— by Mark Twain. Follows is an excerpt from Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism*:

…Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, “Give me masturbation or give me death.” Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, “To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion.” In another place this experienced observer has said, “There are times when I prefer it to sodomy.”

Robinson Crusoe says, “I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art.” Queen Elizabeth said, “It is the bulwark of virginity.” Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, “A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush.” The immortal Franklin has said, “Masturbation is the best policy.”

*If my memory serves me correctly (and for those of you who wish not to have a “pre-owned” model) these (as well as the above-depicted “Rabbit Pearl” vibrator can be purchased at Honey on North 6 Street Although I was regrettably unable to ascertain the name for the above-depicted items (when it comes to research I endeavor to be thorough!) via a web search. However, I did stumble upon this. It gives a whole new meaning to “Incoming!”, “Blow it out your ass!” and last, but hardly least:

The above image comes from a residnent of Diamond Street. He/she writes on September 15, 2012:

From outside my apartment building.

I have brought this rather ugly item to the attention to the head of the 94th Precinct, D.I. Hurson, among others. While outside of his jurisdiction, hopefully he can help get this loathsome piece of vandalism— to Federal property no less— removed. I have demonstrated— time and time again— I have neither time nor tolerance for this crap. Seriously.

I am pleased to announce that the Department of Transportation, at the prompting of our Transportation Chair, has fixed the obstruction on Diamond Street. Now if they could see fir to address this (which can be found on Humboldt Street) we’ll be all aces!

The reconstruction of Nassau Avenue has thus far proven to be fraught with challenges. I for one do not find this encouraging given the actual work has not even commenced yet. The latest issue to be brought to my attention is the copious amount of signage which has been installed directing motorists to alternative thoroughfares. While certainly laudable, the powers-that-be seem to have overlooked that in so doing they are precluding pedestrians from actually using our city’s sidewalks. Which brings me to the above item (as spied by Sherry Wasserman). She writes:

Check out the new traffic sign on Diamond and Norman, which amusingly takes up more than half the sidewalk.

I certainly hope no one who happens to have mobility issues (READ: requires the assistance of a wheel chair or scooter to go about his/her daily life) resides on this block. Given the number of senior citizens in the Garden Spot this is highly likely. Conversely, this might prove to be an interesting deterrent for the increasing number of individuals who see fit to walk our community’s sidewalk while texting.

When I saw the sign in front of District Dog stating there were kittens for adoption I simply HAD to see them.

And see them I did! More specifically: I parsed their naughty bits so as to ascertain their gender. By all appearances this sextet (which all hail from Sutton Street between Norman and Nassau Avenue) is entirely male. Hence why I have named this (incredibly cute) crew the “Greenpoint Sausagefest”. Without further ado here are some photographs and video footage of them. As you will soon see they are absolutely adorable— and VERY adoptable!

NOTE: while alarmed by my ringtone (Beyonce’s solo on Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”) they did not run away. This is something for potential adoptees (be they Beyonce fans, Lady Gaga fans— or both) to consider. These kittens will be up for adoption at District Dog tomorrow. After that they will be hanging their proverbial hat at Dog Habitat. Regardless, these winsome chaps need a home. Maybe yours?

In closing I would be remiss if I did not mention that the previous (and rather rambunctious) crew has a neighbor.

I’ll let a chap we’ll call Ed take it from here:

If you feel so inclined would you mind putting this out on the wire for us? The cat in the attached flyer had been seen wandering around Diamond Street for the last week or so before Dog Habitat was kind enough to scoop her up and take her in. The cat was wearing a collar at first, leading us to believe s/he belongs to someone that may be looking for it.

Here’s the flier.

If anyone knows who this lass (chap?) belongs to or cares to give her (him?) a forever home please contact the fine folks at Dog Habitat at the above-listed telephone number.

What am I to do, you ask? Well, someone on Diamond Street has devised a rather novel (and inasmuch as I can ascertain: yet to be tested) approach to crime prevention in the Garden Spot.

I will let a lass named Nicole (who brought the above to my attention) tender an explanation:

So I stayed up way too late last night watching Twin Peaks, this morning in a stupor I’m going to get coffee at Brooklyn Standard and I look up to see this, a stuffed white wolf in someone’s window! It’s huge! And terrifying! It’s on Diamond between Nassau & Norman. And it wasn’t an Agent Cooper-induced hallucination! Also note the guard dog signs everywhere….

The pictures aren’t so great because I felt really weird about photographing the inside of someone’s apartment….