Hi little bean! I always want to call you little babe, but that’s what we called Carter, and I don’t think I can use that term with you. Sorry. Still love you, but sorry.

Today marks the end of the twelfth week of pregnancy! I still can’t believe it, and I kind of can’t believe that we are that far along either. It’s so crazy that essentially, we are already a third of the way through this pregnancy, since you’ll be joining us early. I know we’ve only known about you for seven weeks, but it has gone so fast. And really, we only have 3 ½ more seven week periods. It’s a weird way to think about things, but it works.

The past five days have been better than Tuesday last week, but still kind of hard. We went to Logan on Saturday and saw your brother, and I don’t think I’ve ever missed him as much as I did that day. I want to have two kids at home, I don’t even care if you two were both at home and barely a year apart, I want that. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Yesterday was kind of a crappy day, and I’m super ready for these hormones to level out. I had some pretty severe anxiety first thing in the morning, so I ended up staying home in my pj’s all day with your dad. It wasn’t anxiety about you, I know you are good and healthy, just general anxiety. It was pretty bad. So we stayed home and spent some quality time with you and Carter bear and the kitties, and each other. Your daddy is such a good man, I’m so happy you get to have him in your life.

We’re starting to get really excited to find out whether you are a little boy or girl! We’ll do the blood draw a week from today, and then find out your gender in three weeks. I don’t really have a distinct feeling right now, but with everything that happened after we lost Carter, I would like to say you are a girl. But again, I don’t really have a feeling one way or another, so I’m curious to see. I don’t know if I’ve written about it before, but I think I would prefer that you are a girl. Honestly, I will just be happy to bring you home no matter what you are, but it would be really nice to pack away the boy things for a while, and start kind of fresh. We’ll still use the crib and the dresser and the recliner regardless, but I’d like to get all new clothes, all new decorations, and not feel like I have to use the boy things. Your dad says we can start completely over, get a new crib and everything, but I don’t want to just waste money. I know he’ll be okay doing whatever we need to do to make the process smoother though, which is so nice.

You have been considerably different than your brother so far, at least as far as I can remember. I haven’t been sleeping well, and never feel well-rested. But I also don’t feel as tired in the afternoons as I did with Carter. I actually don’t feel any more tired than usual, I just wish I could sleep better! The nausea has been different this round too. I get sick more in the afternoons from about 3 until 8, and food doesn’t really seem to help as much as it did before. My cravings have been way different. All I want is chocolate or bread (or both together, which is great). I don’t want to eat any fruit or anything sour or tart, it kills me. I had a lemonade from chick-fil-a on saturday and it about killed me. I also still like ice cream, which is extremely important. I remember last year when we went to Disneyland while I was pregnant with Carter, I barely wanted a Mickey ice cream then, which is a big deal! I want all the ice cream though. All the ice cream and all the brownies. And, I still want to eat Zupas. Last year I couldn’t eat it at all after I found I was pregnant, which is funny because that’s all I wanted to eat before we found out. One thing that is consistent though is spaghetti sauce. Love pizza, can’t stand spaghetti sauce. We made some tomato basil chicken thing in the crock pot last night, and I seriously almost threw up when dad was putting it in a container. He’s such a champion. Sometimes I feel like maybe he thinks I fake the sickness to get out of doing things, but he never complains. I really don’t just fake the sickness, but it’s still nice of him to not even think that. But basically anything I smell that is really strong makes me feel sick. The tomato sauce is just funny to me, because last year I couldn’t handle it either. I remember being at Olive Garden one time and just dying because the person next to us ordered something with tomato sauce. Too funny!

So with this testing that the doctor wants us to do, we will get a look at your chromosomes to make sure that they look good and normal too. Surprisingly, I’m not really worried about that. I probably shouldn’t get too confident about it, but I just feel like you are healthy and fine. And I’d like to think that we’ve suffered enough the past six months, so nothing more could happen, but I know that’s not true. Aside from the anxiety that I can’t control, I’m just trying to stay positive. It’s not hard, because I love knowing that you are in there, but I want to create the best environment for you. And I swear I’ll start eating more fruits and veggies….sometime.

We love you, and next time we see you, we might know what your gender is! Stay safe, little bean!

How far along? : TWELVE WEEKS!!!!Baby is the size of: a plum!!Total weight gain/loss: Mmmm...it’s like three or four pounds now haha. My pants are already starting to get tight.Sleep: I feel like I’m sleeping hard, but I still wake up so exhausted. And I wake up a lot of times in the night to pee. So it’s not great, but I’m also not exhausted in the afternoons, which is super nice.Best moment this week: It was definitely at the ultrasound last week, and then being able to tell our parents that we’ll find out the gender in just a few weeks! Also taking you to visit your brother. I can tell that you two have a strong connection, I can already feel his love for you.Movement: It might have just been food, but I swear I was feeling a little fluttering last night.Symptoms: nausea, fatigueFood cravings: Nothing really. Almond milk has sounded really good, but I have yet to buy any. Maybe today.Food aversions: Tomato sauce, as of yesterday. Looks like no spaghetti or lasagna for me. Again.What I miss: Carter.What I am looking forward to: getting my blood drawn next week, as strange as that sounds.