Ask Sexy Stalin!

Having problems with your relationships? Worried about financial planning? Paranoid that everyone around you is plotting your downfall and wishing to have them banished to a frozen hell-scape? Looking for a swarthy, attractive man to show you the way? Well you’re in luck, because it’s time once again to…

Ask Sexy Stalin!

I can only hope a woman with such desirable breeding qualities as yourself isn’t slaving at the mercy of a fitted sheet – the most bourgeois of sheets. But if you must fold a fitted sheet, there is a simple trick: give the sheet one chance to fold properly. If it fails to do so, execute the pillow cases in front of it. Make sure it watches. I think you’ll find a much more cooperative sheet after that!

And tell, me: what does this “American Captain” have that Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin does not have?

How can I get my “husband,” Chris Evans, (Captain America) to come home and service me? Thanks!

Lovely Sandy Sue,

Well, if he is truly your husband and will not service you, he is a burden to the nation and should be shot. However, this might be explained if he is also a captain of America, for he is no doubt busy oppressing the masses and exploiting the poor to fuel his gluttonous needs. Perhaps you would like to express your loneliness to a sensitive, poetic looking man with nice hair, who will listen intensely, piercing you with his brooding eyes? And if one thing should lead to another…?

But if you are insistent, and he is an actor, then send him a message that you are filming a big, wasteful movie celebrating the vulgar decadence and crassness of bankrupt American culture in your basement. Once he is there, lock him up. It may take a few years, but he will eventually love you. The key is persistence, consistency, and the threat of death.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

Dear Sexy Stalin
I’m not into facism. I’m more into the God thing myself.
Would you not stop your nonsense now, and come to church with me and sing a few worship songs?! (they’d be about God, not you btw!)
Aunty Amo

(Sexy Stalin will have to get back you – he was going to say that ‘singing is the opiate of the masses,’ but then thought he’d better check his Marxist lit, because he thinks that’s close, but not correct.)

I like that he is now a matchmaker as well. That is a nice trait to have in a Sexy Stalin.

And I never thought to execute the pillowcases to get the sheets in line. I’m wondering, though, if maybe they have tried to commit suicide because of their lowly and peasant-like existence. Would explain all the holes in them. Hmmmm.

That reminds me of a Pedro Almodovar movie… I want to say “Matador”? – about a couple turned on by the threat of death. The climax (ha!) of the movie is the two of them having sex during an eclipse as police burst in to gun them down. I could be remembering that wrong – it’s been a long time.

You seem to have turned a corner from trendy hipster to iron-fisted dictator (equally trend-setting, I should add). But I have to ask, which is better: the well-groomed beard or the full-bristled mustache?