Self Preservation

I have been in a space of preserving myself. Conserving my energy as I navigate mothering three small children, as I stay warm through winter.

I am following the pattern of the dormant seed, hunkered down out of sight, with seemingly nothing happening to the visible eye…

I’ve honored these primal instincts of protection, of not wanting to overextend. Fearful that I’d repeat past patterns : of overextension and depletion, which most likely informed my struggle with post partum depression.

This made me delay any teaching commitments. It put tremendous weight on whatever I did outside of the house having to be “worth it”. This put me in a seemingly constant state of uncertainty.

And here I am ready to emerge, ready to sprout, ready to follow what feels good, and to reclaim myself once again.

And while I do so, I’m wondering :

How can I open myself up so I am nourished and filled up while giving, while being engaged in the world? So it is a true exchange of energy rather than one great big give, followed by days of taking to restore my well.

I want to be in a constant conversation led by my heart. I want to be vital, fluid, and free.

“It is the speaking of one’s heart that makes a human being human. For even if no one hears us, it is the act of speaking that frees us by letting the spirit swim and fly through the world.” – Mark Nepo