Pages

Friday, May 2, 2014

Broke Her Shoelace

There's all these songs about bad days.

Everyone relates to them because EVERYone has bad days. I turn them up on bad days and appreciate the sound blaring through my speaker because it humanizes my emotions -and I don't feel alone. I somehow feel like society as a whole is out there singing along because no matter their age, weight, hair color, religion, or preferences in pets... THEY GET BAD DAYS.

Three years ago, I had a bad day that lasted 6 months. It was agonizing. I didn't know where to go, where to turn, what to say.
I hated my situation in life.
I didn't know how to handle it.
I ate and cried.
And then I hated myself for eating and crying.
The hate consumed me from all sides: the outside AND the inside. I hated, and hate loved me.

I was never angry, but I was hateful and cold and distant and absolutely HURTING.

Today was a bad day. The emotions that coursed through me during those 6 months have been with me today.

But there's something different about this bad day.
I don't hate my situation in life to the extent I used to. I understand it, and I see beauty in the mess I used to feel so much shame over.
I know how to handle it, and I know that if I don't handle it EXACTLY RIGHT, that's okay to.
I still eat, and I still cry.
But I don't hate myself *as much* for eating. I don't hate myself *as much* for crying.
Would I rather come out the end of this day NOT feeling like a victim and munching on celery coated in chia seeds? Yeah, but it's okay to be where I'm at now.
It's okay to feel this pain and resentment.

The biggest help of all is simply this:
I
REACH
OUT.

I call someone and tell them what I ate.
I call someone and cry.
I text.
I write.

And with a constant heavenward stream of unfiltered thoughts, I make my way to the kitchen and make waffles for dinner.
Because that's the best I can do right now. today.

Chia seeds will have to wait their turn.
Chia seeds are for days when there isn't hurt.