8 Filthy Foreign Phrases the English Language Needs

#4. Finland: "Like Pissing While Running"

And now we go back to the land of idioms that can sort of be worked out literally. Because this one's actually quite visceral, isn't it? Due to the nature of running (up and down movement, wind) and the very design of pee-pees and va-jay-jays, pissing while running is unlikely to be a very tidy endeavor. And that's what the Finnish phrase "juosten kustu" means; although translated literally as "pissing while running," it is used to describe an activity that is poorly thought out.

And is now another hot candidate for Cracked's new slogan.

How This May Have Come to Pass:

This one doesn't need a complicated backstory; it perfectly captures a poorly thought out act and is instantly recognizable as such. One clever person thought of it and it caught on.

Or, and this is probably less true but much more fun, there was a really poorly thought out marathon/pub crawl once, and after everyone sobered up and the sidewalks were hosed off, Finland got together and, in an effort to never forget this tragedy, came up with one of the world's raddest idioms.

#3. Germany: "Don't Make a Murderer's Hiding Place Out of Your Heart"

Because there's nothing that the Germans can't make a little unsettling, they were a shoe-in to make this list for developing a terrifying phrase that describes a totally mundane activity. "Aus seinem Herzen keine Mordergrube machen," which literally means "Don't make a murderer's hiding place out of your heart," is generally taken to mean "speaking frankly."

Terrifying though it may be, it is at least cooler than the comparably unimaginative solution we've adopted on the Internet.

How This May Have Come to Pass:

Once your heart rate comes back down, you can recognize this as a fairly clever sentiment, especially if we swap out "murderer's hiding place" for "vault" or "hideout" or something similar. Obviously the Germans, with their fetish for compound words, can't have something as simple as "vault," which is I guess how "Mordergrube" came to take its place. Though admittedly, if English had a word called "Mordergrube," I'd look for any excuse to use it, too.

Comstock/Comstock/Getty Images"Jack, I think it's time we finally got a staff Mordergrube. Not just for murder, no. A variety of deeds, really."

#2. Finland (again): "Throw It at a Duck"

Let's go back to the Finns again, and their delightful phrase "heittaa vesilintua," which when translated literally means "throw it at a waterfowl." Well, that seems straightforward enough. Who hasn't wanted to attack a duck?

It turns out that the Finns use it to mean "throwing something away." As in, this object is so worthless that it can be thrown at a duck without consequence.

How This May Have Come to Pass:

What Finnish ducks did to deserve this kind of abuse is, as yet, unknown, although we have our suspicions.

Medioimages/Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty ImagesBecause Finns are jealous that they can pee while flying, I guess.

#1. Russia: "Knocking Pears from the Tree With His Dick"

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty ImagesHeh heh heh.

Ok. Let's get serious here ...

Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty ImagesHeh heh heh heh heh.

Done now? Great. The Russians ...

OK. Seriously, that's all of them.

OK then. The Russians have a real fantastic sense of metaphor, which they've used to create the beautiful phrase "khuem grushi okolachivat," which translated literally means "knocking pears from the tree with one's dick."

Do you even care what it actually means? Are you willing to walk away now, knowing that phrase totally exists, and enjoy the somehow brighter and sunnier world you live in? Go on; it's a beautiful day outside.

Thinkstock/Comstock/Getty Images

For those completionists out there who absolutely must know what this means, here you go: It's used to refer to someone (a man, I'd hope) who's being lazy, or messing around unproductively.

How This May Have Come to Pass:

Now, at various times in my life, I've been pretty lazy, and at other times I've sexually harassed trees and other bits of woody foliage.

Photos.com/Getty Images"Officer. You know why I'm here, I'm sure."

But, and I cannot stress this enough, these two eras of my life did not overlap. Knocking fruit from trees with your dick is really hard work. Also turgid work. It's the exact opposite of laziness, not least because so many trees don't make the slightest effort to be sexy.

The only conclusion I can reach is that either Russian penises are substantially more impressive than mine own -- which, given how much we respectively drink, doesn't seem likely -- or that Russian pear trees are absolutely terrible at their jobs.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has littered the Internet with pictures of himself fucking pear trees. Find some on his Facebook page or Twitter feed.