No: 1752

Tony Cascarino? Country singer? Had a band called Dawn? No, that's Tony Orlando.

So who is this Cascarino? A footballer.

Italian? No, he played 88 times in the green jersey of Ireland.

Sounds about as Irish as that McAfferty's fun pub on the high street. You might have something there. Even his former national team manager, Jack Charlton, used to refer to him as the ice-cream salesman.

Let's get this settled, where does Tony come from? Born in Kent, Italian father, English mother. Used to be a hairdresser.

So why was he playing for Ireland? Under Charlton, the Irish became cunning in exploiting players' family trees. Tony thought he qualified because his paternal grandfather, Michael O'Malley, was Irish.

Was he? Well yes and no. O'Malley was Irish but wasn't his granddad. The old boy confessed all on his deathbed.

And Tony immediately told the relevant authorities? He didn't know. Although his mother was aware that her son was playing under false pretences she didn't pass on the information until he had retired from the international game.

So Tony was the innocent party? Not exactly. The Irish embassy in London, a bit sharper on the rules than their footballing authorities, refused to issue him with citizenship. He played for the Irish for 12 years on a British passport. "I was a fraud," he says, "a fake Irishman."

And how has the story finally come to light? Unlike the man he thought was his granddad, Tony hasn't waited until the metaphorical final whistle to confess. It's all in his new autobiography, Full Time: the Secret Life of Tony Cascarino.

Ah, he's got a book to sell. Yeah, but it's a lot more interesting than David Beckham's.

Why, whose knickers was he wearing when he played for Ireland? Oh do shut up.

Do say: "Any chance of a signed copy, Tone?"

Don't say: "Loved the way you sang Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree."