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My daughter died from SIDS in February of this year. My niece was born two days before my daughter died, and every time I see her it's like a knife stabbing me and I start crying. My husband likes our niece and actually plays with her, but I just can't seem to do that. Do you have any suggestions?

— Sunshine, California

I'm so sorry that your daughter died. I can only imagine how painful it is for you. Of course you want to avoid reminders of her death. The problem, however, isn't that you start crying when you see your niece. The problem is that you seem to have an idea that you shouldn't be crying. Here are some strategies that may help.

First, explain to your niece's parents (even if you think they already know this) that you have really mixed feelings about being with your niece. For example, you can say that you are so happy for them and think your niece is adorable but that you find yourself thinking about your daughter when you are around her and sometimes it's too painful to handle. Just be honest and authentic, tears and all.

Then, consider asking them if you could spend some time alone with your niece when they are nearby. Infants can be incredibly healing — they are amazingly tuned in to our emotions. They are also quite tolerant and don't judge adults for crying! When you are alone with her, just hold her and softly tell her how you feel. Tell her all about your daughter. Tell her that it's hard to see her sometimes because it reminds you of how much you miss your daughter. Tell her how unfair your daughter's death is. Tell her your favorite things about your daughter. Most important, let yourself cry as much as you need to. Studies have shown that tears from grief are chemically different from other kinds of tears, indicating that the body releases certain chemicals when we are deeply sad.

Your crying probably won't even scare your niece, as some adults fear. Just watch her face; if your crying becomes uncontrollably loud or if she looks scared, just take her back to her parents and tell them you need a break. You will find that sharing this emotional process with your niece is intimate as well as healing and will actually connect you to her more. I'd even bet that she becomes one of the people with whom you allow yourself to cry easily and safely.