This is the best of me

Tag Archives: life

Sometimes I feel like working is an act of selling one’s soul in order to gain position, money, material things and perhaps power and fame. I am putting power and fame as the least importance because not many people work for fame and power. Sometimes it just come along with the position whether someone like it or not. However, people do have dreams and sometimes big dreams. They want big cars, big houses, a lot of money, a lot of stuff. It doesn’t actually feel like wrong because whats wrong with owning stuff that you earn with your own effort, right? No. There is nothing wrong with that. Unless it empties your soul and takes you away from the real meaning of life.

For me, this thing happened. While I was actively working I realized I numbed myself to so many things and learned to detach emotionally from so many things as well. By the end of the (working) day I always feel emotionally drained and exhausted. So what I did next to replenish my energy/my empty soul was to indulge myself in so many pursuits of pleasure such as buying things to make me happy albeit it being only a temporary fix. That was the daily cycle and the daily struggle.

I don’t hate working. I believe I can give myself totally into something that I believed in. I believe there are such things called meaningful struggles and that people need struggle in order to grow and to build a good character.

But I also believe there is more to life than just (selling your soul) and just hatefully turning up to work. I believe people are meant to live life abundantly not in acquiring much but in learning the beauty of life lived slowly and in knowing what matter most in life. C.S Lewis once said, you don’t have a soul. You ARE a soul. You HAVE a body. So i believe what need to be fed most is the soul. What need to be taken care most is the soul.

But in feeding the soul, some people go to great lengths in pursuits for pleasure which is often than not, either makes people yearn for more or it leaves them even more emptier than before.

I did many things myself in pursuits of pleasure until there came a time in my life when I simply stopped to buy things or do things that used to give me happiness. Then I started to question myself about “What’s next?”. Because I could no longer see myself being happy hoarding more stuff and doing many things like more hiking, more running, etc..It almost felt like life itself had come to a halt.

I slowly turned away from all the things that used to give me happiness that of course come about as a way of curing myself from unhappiness in my routine job. Then, I realized this one thing. I realized, life turns out to be more meaningful when I don’t have to please my fleshly desire and I don’t have to work with people that I don’t like. (Clue* – to choose whom you associate yourself with). I become more private, cultivating my own circle. There is a quote that says, you can be open, honest and real while still understanding not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life.

I no longer feel the pressure of being accepted by other people generally (in terms of position, likability, anything to do with social acceptance). Yes it is bad to be hated, judged and simply unaccepted because it is true people greatest need is acceptance and greatest fear is rejection. But, normally people who really cares for you will always accept you for who you really are and that always start with how much you care for them too.

And so what I am trying to say is with all the realization that I have right now about stuff, soul and life, I find it easier to let go of everything. I learned to trust God more and to believe that He will provide. That I don’t have to hold on to so many preconceived ideas of how life should be lived. That more than anything, it is more important to trust Him and to give up all of my dreams and to follow His lead. With all of my heart.

My grandmother passed away in 2004, not long after I graduated. It was an honour to have been able to care for her during her final days before she finally took her last breath. I remembered the night after my late grandmother was buried, the still devastated me went into her bedroom and checked out her clothes which were nicely wrapped on the side of her bed. I took one of her favourite black shirt and carefully examined it. I noticed one part of the seem was torn and she mended it with a very visible white thread. It brought tears to my eyes.

Growing up my parents used to fight a lot. Therefore I used to go to my grandmother house and just sit by her side listening to her rambles (which I had listened to for a hundred times already). She was a very cheerful character. However as she aged, she also gradually loss her hearing ability to one stage where she could no longer hear at all, and she refused to use or wear hearing aid. She was practically deaf in her old age. But, she never ceased to be cheerful, calm, peaceful and loving. Sitting by her side whenever I was facing a hard time, always cheered me up for no other reason than because she was a happy person who radiated love and happiness despite being deaf. I love her.

That night as I saw that white thread and remembered all the things about her and how her very presence gave me comfort without actually doing anything at all, I broke down and I cried for the last time.She was the white thread, shining glow in my often black dark days.

She taught me a lot but most of all she reminded me that being a loving, cheerful, and happy person you can do a lot to other people. You don’t need to do much. Just give off that sincere, earnest feeling of being happy whatever state you are in.

I am overly sensitive these days. For example I cried three times for different reasons;-

I cried tearfully because I was so moved by my mother’s prayer.

I cried joyfully while listening to a song, because Josh Groban’s voice was so beautiful in it.

I cried because I was overwhelmed by emotion and by feeling of…repentance.., while reading Robert A Schuller book entitled Leaning Into God When Life is Pushing You Away.

A while ago I cried while watching a K-Movie, entitled My Little Hero. But that was not the first time. Heartwarming story always make me cry.

I think my eyes have started to stock plenty of tears reservoir because I have not found my self lacking of tears these days, thankfully for the good things.

I hope it continues to be so. I want to cry for the right thing. Not because my life is pitiful because I know I am strong enough to weather any storms with God helps. But because I have finally open up my heart to all the beautiful things in this life that I can easily be moved and be touched by the beauty of it.

I love the idea of living modestly..far more than the idea of living with a massive wealth that can last for generations. But then again…I never tried being rich, so I can’t really speak about wealth. On a few occasion where I had a brush with some wealthy acquaintances, I didn’t really feel like I could belong to that group. If there was one moment where I had been thinking about getting rich..it was when..I had a crush with a celebrity..I wish I was rich so I could fly to him and become equal and you know…*** (LOL..you are allowed to laugh)..

So there you go….that’s why I fall into the middle income group. I think..if I really want to become more than just an ordinary salary woman, perhaps I could open up my own small animal clinic and works really hard and..you know…become slightly rich.. (LOL)..but then I have tried working in a small animal clinic and realized..oh no…(I can’t deal with this everyday), so I gave up small animal clinic and become a civil servant. 🙂

What I like about my job now is exactly because I am a government servant. Let me spell that again..SERVANT.. 🙂

I love the idea of being a servant. It’s a far cry from becoming rich, but at least..you know..I have tested the water and this is where I think I can last. Because in being a servant, I help and I can still live modestly with my meagre salary. In short my mission in life is accomplished which is (to serve happily & live modestly).

The reason why I speak of this thing today is again because I just came back from field works and happened to meet some rich people who were naturally very generous, what with feeding you with all kinds of expensive foods and bringing you to places..BUT still I feel hollow and empty..when I returned back home, with the questions in my head (would I ever find true friendship with these people since I have nothing to offer).

With that thought..I once again reaffirm myself that I love my life just the way it is. 🙂