Toothless in Crimea

A lot of tension this week, exacerbated by Ms. Hillary when she compared Comrade Putin to Heil Hitler, all because of a quarrel in a far-away country between people of whom she knows nada. But it was good while it lasted, this notion that Herr Putin sports a toothbrush mustache when we don't even know if he ever brushes his teeth. It might be too much to expect of someone who grew up in a land that never tasted the age of toothpaste. Besides, do fangs count as teeth?

On Monday our Jed Babbin came up with the headline of the week — Crimea River — only to see some blonde, not Hillary this time, pass it off as her own column’s headline a day or two later. In these days of Crimean seizure, it’s a taker’s market out there. And now everybody’s getting took.

At wondrous CPAC, the full and then some Chris Christie had what could only be described as a star turn, wowing the faithful with promises that once the traffic clears he truly is a super-sized conservative. Forgotten, ignored, unenjoyed, was the lovely description that one of those staffers still in the governor’s good graces used in smearing David Wildstein, the star witness against Christie, to wit: “He was publicly accused by his high school social studies teacher of deceptive behavior.” Writing like that is more worthy of Mr. Putin’s East German past. To be fair, i.e., less McCarthyistic, we suspect that sentence actually appeared in the letter of recommendation to Christie that clinched Wildstein’s appointment to the NY-NJ Transit Authority.

We’re more surprised by the next taker on our list. It’s been reported that the recent chairman of the Federal Reserve, Dr. Ben Bernanke, has immediately moved on to earn more per corporate speech than he did in annual salary while working on the taxpayers’ dole. At least we now have closure on why he spent the last six years printing all those worthless greenbacks. It’s not corruption if it’s only Monopoly money. Has Ben ever thought of going into counterfeiting?

The rapacious NFL works in mysterious ways. Remember all the head damage its enlightened refereeing was going to prevent? So how to explain the latest chapter in the saga of Mr. Richie Incognito, who because of all the extra whistleblowing directed at him has checked himself into a head case facility? This after he had smashed up his prize Ferrari (“that was just me venting, that was self-expression”). In happier days he would have checked himself into an auto body repair shop.

Did you watch the Oscars? Made us pine for a few Anthony Oscar Weiners. What a desultory night. It used to be the Oscar show went on way past its official 12:00 a.m. closing time. This time, everyone had to scramble like mad to keep the comatose show on its feet till midnight. Hostess Ellen DeGeneres did what she could, and truth be told she can’t do much. She’s just sort of there, a pleasant personality but with about as much knowledge of the world as Ms. Hillary. And we must say she owns more pantsuits than the first former senator and first lady. The highlight came when she altered her name again, this time to Ellen DeGenerous, and ordered pizza for everyone and left the delivery man a very nice tip. She was also impresario of the night’s most talked about moment, when she rounded up a host of front-row starlets and stars for a selfie of smiley selfies that quickly went viral. Odd thing, though, although Ellen wears the pants in the Hollywood family, and it was her camera, the actual photo was executed by a man, actor Bradley Cooper, reviving questions once thought resolved as to why women defer to men in the creativity department. We don’t have an answer to that one, beyond suggesting that the more things change, the more they can not.

We saw it in Washington, in fact, where again we were reminded that Democrats aren’t man enough to admit to covering up the IRS scandal. So naturally they sent a woman in to protect their sorry rears. And knowing her place, she came through like a champ, pleading the Fifth like an Alphonse Capone. We thought we’d seen the last of Lois Lerner, but she’s walked back into our lives. It saddens us that we must find her in contempt of Enemy Central. If the rats she’s protecting ever do the right thing — which, granted, is about as likely as Herr Putin doing so — we’ll remove this EOW stain from her criminal record. We all want her retirement to be enjoyed on the outside.

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