When your friend shares with you in an email that a special practice to do at this turn of season time is to spend a little time thinking of all the accomplishments and growth experienced over this past year . . .

I turned to this rose filled page I’d been saving for a time I’d know it was right to use it. I began to write the phrase my dear friend invited me to be with . . .

“I am proud of myself that…. “

I had no idea it would open a little flood gate and tears would spill out of my eyes, I didn’t realise how difficult it would be to answer this . . .

I realised again how I give so much time to noticing what I’m not doing enough of, how my business isn’t flourishing in the way I think it’s meant to, and it equates to so much focus on not enoughness that it was actually confronting to ask myself, honestly,

What have I done this year that I am proud of?

I’m not sure it’s important to share here what I wrote, what seems most pressing is how it made me feel. I wondered how many other of my friends and connections do this same dance of scarcity.

I am often reminded of the importance of self kindness, I’ve made it my life’s work to be kind to this self I show up as for this life journey.

I was raised in a religion that told me I was worthless without God in the way they wanted me to believe in ‘him’, and now as a 48 year old woman I have come to different conclusions about this God thing and currently believe that we are all part of the Source of life having a human experience, but no less connected to the One than the Pope, Buddha, Jesus or Anyone. I don’t care much for arguing this point of view, this is my page, I get to say whatever I like. I also can’t be bothered to argue for another’s limitations.

This …. this thing… this deeply woven, skein of a belief that holds the note I’m not enough, is really effing toxic.

If you’re curious as to what I realised was the thing I was most proud of this year. . .

I’m proud of myself that . . . I was able to be present with my dear Mummah at the time of her death, and now I am learning a new way to live. More real, and more true.

and it hurts sometimes, and like I keep mentioning from time to time (because I’m still learning it) is; to hurt is part of life, to live a full, wide and deep life I must go through those times to discover what is hidden beneath the layers.

Layers I have covered things with

Layers that were tucked in for generations of covering, nothing to see here

Curious about the Landmark Forum.. and Tony Robbins world of break throughs. I have not gone to one of these seminars, but I really admire the personal growth that is encouraged by them both.

I often find myself wondering if this form of ‘BIG COMMITMENT WEEKEND OR DAYS OF RA RA’ is something I’d really benefit from. … here’s the wonderings from this morning’s pages.

So much sorting out of thoughts.It’s like I’m afraid I can’t really GET THERE?? without it, (get where? a breakthrough?, but I continually do seek and find breakthrough’s) and then there would never be enough courses, SO MANY… on every topic – and Tony Robbins has many courses too.

Ahhhh but this is about PEAK PERFORMANCE. Do you have to be a certain type to seek out this PEAK’NESS of which they speak?

So many ways to run this human show.

They each help you to see ‘where are you running a story?’

‘Where have you made stuff up that you’re now using to hurt yourself?’

‘When do you reckon you can STOP THAT?’

It’s like we feel safer in a room filled with other humans who are all seeking happiness to be able to receive that collective boost to shift our vibration significantly to a place of new being’ness.

Having others in the room that have experienced it and witnessed it for themselves gives us the validation we may need so that we don’t end up believing it was all just hype and lasting change didn’t really happen – and we find ourselves back home, staring into space, and wondering what the heck was that and what the heck is this all about?

So… creating spaces where altered states of self belief are welcomed, honoured and nourished seems extraordinarily interesting to me. (not unlike what churches were developed for… but I’ll not go down that rabbit hole today)

I am interested in shifting my perspective to one of support and love for this human I move around in.

Right now, today, I feel more attuned to a quieter upheavel of unwanted limiting beliefs, and a daily awareness of choosing thoughts that serve my highest good … I’m also trying out a thing called PSTEC.org , which came highly recommended by an inspirational lady named April Adams.

But… if you’ve had a life changing, hugely life enhancing experience of these experiental learning events… I’m more than happy to hear your take on it.

I’m not out to say any of it is wrong.. I am simply and honestly, seeking the best way forward.

I am interested in shifting my perspective to one of support and love for this human I move around in.

“We are needing to find and maintain our daily light, and that is what will charge us.”

Lee Harris and his most recent energy update have sparked me into wanting to make a post, a page, a memory tweaker, a sweet reminder note.

“If we forget to do it we get upset at human density, we get upset at the dark or the suffering side of the world without remembering we’re all here creating it and influencing it with our vibration.”

“So if you can indentify the things that LIGHT YOU UP or give you relief and apply some of them every day as either medicine to the part of you that’s struggling or support to the part of you that is here to go deeper with your purpose. Because that is ‘if you like’ an annual theme for this year – everybody on the planet, whether they’re spiritual or not, there is a strong sense of, everything is under review.”

I SO relate to this. I know I am a light ‘seeker and worker’. I understand the need and place for darkness, and I need daily light to see my way forward.

Not content to sit around in a funk for very long, I find that very exhausting and seemingly pointless. As I was listening to Lee’s update, and the idea of ‘what lights you up’ I instantly thought of the litte drawings I make of my inner child – Little dd. She puts me in touch with an inner innocence and my own experience here.

Drawing her and sharing her quirkyness with the world is a small commitment I can make to my own creative practice right now, encouraging myself to #drawlikenooneisjudging. In doing so, I trust, that others will also be encouraged to draw like noone is judging if that is something that lights them up.

This creative life is a devotion.

A devotion to bringing more light into the world.

.. holding a space where light is welcomed.

I have been finding it very challenging to hold on to my lighter self with all of the harshness unfolding and yelling across our news reals and social media.

I weep for the brokenness and rail against the negative patriarchal energy and blatant abuse of women and girls and minority groups. It’s really bloody awful out there.

I need ways of bringing joy into my own darkness, healing my own inner demons, so I will continue to seek out my personal daily light.

So when others pass by my digital home, they’ll see a light on, and teacups at the ready, creativitea served daily with love.

I think it is something that goes on within our body whether we think or feel we are participating in it or not.

Grief is what happens when your love no longer has a place to go.

This resonated strongly with me when I heard it, on a recording by Tori Hartman I believe it was.

I have been having some interesting conversations since saying a final goodbye to my Mother mid January. The realisation that we grieve much more than the loss of a loved one is perhaps one of the most heart opening realisations.

To realise this grieving thing is not exclusively reserved for the death of a being, but for perhaps the death of our own dreams of being. Being something other than what we are, doing something other than what we find ourselves daily doing. Living and seeing things in ways we didn’t anticipate we would from the younger eyes we used to view the world through.

I think it was Carl Jung that said, ‘There is nothing more emotionally disturbing to a child than the unlived life of a parent.’ I can relate to this from the perspective of being the child and the parent . . . I feel such grief when I consider what I deem to be the unlived life of my Mother, and indeed my Father, although he is still living his life. I see from my perspective that she lived a life filled so much with suffering, so do I grieve that too? Involunteerily or unconsciously.. or with awareness?

my thought of grief : a complete feeling of powerlessness over what is being sensed, felt, thought.

Sometimes I am struck with sadness over what wasn’t as much as what was.

I don’t really feel like I am grieving.. but how would I know, I do feel tired, and tired quite a lot … is that how my body grieves? I wonder.

I think perhaps.. grieving is as natural as loving, it flits into our awareness all the time, and it’s not until we pause and sit with it, that perhaps we may realise it’s messages for our heart and soul.

I am in the midst of wondering about this, there is nothing wrong, and nothing to fix. It just is. I just am.

If you would like to join a small group of seekers, feelers, heart tenders and me, there is a space being created in the form of an online offering, aka eCourse “Honouring Love & being with Loss”.

I have a number of painting in progress at the moment, readying for a group exhibition in Brisbane early April. This both freaks me out and excites me in kindof equal measure.

Below is where one is currently at… and two preceding stages of it . . . I’m painting over one I did last year and was no longer attached to keeping.

Letting go

I’m learning a lot about letting go . . . which is pertinent to me in more ways than one at the moment.. in the space of time since I last visited this blog and posted . . . I have travelled to New Zealand twice to visit my Mother and our family.. and in January our dear Mother died, I had the privilage of being with her for the days leading up to her departure and the bittersweet moment of her last breath.

So much cannot be said when regaling the complex relationship between mother and daughter, but suffice to say she taught me so much about grace and presence especially in her last days with us, she gave of herself so generously, I can learn much still from my memories of her, and also too, I am learning to let some of the old practices she was given by outdated systems go, they are not necessarily mine to keep even if they were passed down from generations.

I am aware that a new relationship will be ours now as I believe she is just across the veil.

Blessed be : A Patricia Fahey 9th May 1929 − 18th January 2016

A very special priest cared for us and our Mother during this time of grief and loss, Fr Phil left an indelable mark on our hearts as he gave us a glimpse of a beautiful man of faith with so much humility and grace and immense kindness. He cycled around to my parents home and left an envelope for me on the afternoon of Mum’s funeral, inside it on a piece of paper was written :

Cup of Tea

Drink your tea slowly and reverently,

as if it is the axis on which the whole earth revolves

slowly,

evenly,

without rushing toward the future;

Live the actual moment.

Only this moment is life.

– Thich Nhat Hanh

On a practical note . . . I’ve been needing to keep strength up, and a dear friend reminded me of the benefits of a higher protein intake to give more energy.

So, here I will share the pancake mix I made this morning, I did the milling of the nuts and oats in a thermomix, but any device you have is worth a try.

High protein pancakes ~ almost paleo, but not quite

kindof a bit ‘eat, pray, love’ over here today, I have been listening again to some Liz Gilbert and Brene Brown, and passed on the goodies of their books to my partner via kindle.

This morning, while doing the dishes, this video of Elizabeth Gilbert was great company. I love her. very. much. and am so grateful for her passionate voice in our social media world.

But making these faces on my page sure did help go a liittle way toward allowing some feelings to be felt. Each time a bout of sadness shows up I’m somehow surprised by it,

like it doesn’t seem to ‘fit’ . . . or I don’t know what to do with it, sometimes it seems to take the longest time for me to remember… all that can be done is to feel it. Not run from it, feed it with food, just, simply be with it.

I’m not even up for the task of explaining it, but arting it.. that is something I can recommend, and share here.

I just read an email and blog from SARK.. Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy, she spoke of her deepest fear and greatest blessing… her Partner has received a cancer diagnosis, and so they are travelling that big path right now.

I was gobsmacked at the honesty and openness with which Susan shared their current life experience.

I am stopped in my tracks momentarily by it . . . I count Susan as one of my dearest Role Models, I did an e-course with her in 2011 that helped change my life in a bright new direction. Obviously she’s still one of my dearest role models, and after reading her blog, I am even more grateful to have been led to her in the first place.

Having people like this in my life, via books, shows, blogs… wow. It’s incredible to me how much they impact by their sharing of their truth, their experience.

Thank you dear Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy for being so much of a lazer beam of love. (that’s her words, her life purpose : “which is to be a transformer, uplifter and laser beam of love.”)

A strange’ish but not experience this morning. I felt a bit ordinary… so I had the delightful idea to take myself out, out of the house, for an artist date.. to my favourite tea cafe.

Off I go.. with a little bit of makeup on.. and a whole lot of expectation that THIS will make me feel better, even though – having just read SARK’s book ‘Glad No Matter What’… i don’t need to always look to FEEL BETTER.. I’m completely ok.. she even suggested as much.. to just, …. feel.

I have a little fantasy.. that i could write books with simple character drawings… one day. It’s one of those… not really real dreams.. it just sits in a little spot in my mind and pops into my awareness every so often.

I think perhaps moreso of late because i gave myself PERMISSION to draw badly, loosely and however it comes out. This is my way of managing the ‘i can’t draw’ story that wants to play out.. and i feel, it’s played out for long enough, so long in fact it is now BORING.

So.. off I went with a little sketch book.. in my bag to the cafe.

While waiting for my tea and CAKE.. omg. wait til you see the pic.

I made a little drawing of mysef.

then the TEA AND CAKE ARRIVED!

here have another look. the PRESENTATION at The Silva Spoon (Cotton Tree) is TO LIVE FOR.

Ms Virgo will EVEN forgive them for the chipped plate, because KLIMPT and CREAM and cake and A ROSE! It was a slice of heaven actually.

Then.. the kindof weird-for-an-introvert stuff started to happen… I could see more people arriving in this magic-omg-our-favourite cafe… and the looks on their faces.. of ”oh”.. nooo … all the tables are filled… WHERE WILL I SIT… .. all it took to bring me here, with these friends, this Mum.. this daughter.. and THE CAFE IS TOO FULL… and I could feel the tension (at least that’s what I made up… and the small panic arising.. and I started to feel a tiny bit uncomfortable.. and had to comfort the one in me that wanted to give up my table.. because.. I don’t know… other people seemed like they neeeeeded it) …

so.. I made a couple more drawings.. because.. this was an artist’s date after all.. and so I decided to give it all I had.. awkward feelings included.

I found myself wanting to HIDE. under my very lovely fine soft grey scarf I’d bought along.. so I let my girl on the page hide instead.

I notice how reading SARK books has this magical effect on me… her FREE, COLORFUL, UNCONVENTIONAL way of being suit’s me very much.

So… oh.. that’s right.. I even too a whole bunch of selfies.. so I could have a pic of me in my side ponytail.. and the tea cafe I love.. on this day.. when I let myself have freedom to draw in my little not to be taken too seriously at all, journal.

I was trying to figure out where the lens was … obviously not there… and there’s the lovely soft grey scarf I wanted to hide under. cubby like. but didn’t. (I’m not quite as brave as SARK) … yet.

WHERE THERE IS TEA THERE IS LOVE. sign that kept falling down with a clatter to my table and probably drawing UNWANTED attention to my activiteas.. but at which point, I simply did not care and had the lovliest little time.

To finish… I stayed only as long as it took to eat my cake and drink my tea.. then scurried out the door to give some of the other ‘slightly mildly desperate for their own little slice of heaven tea cafe experience’ my table.

I reeeallllllyyy love those cafe’s that have plenty of time and space and you can meander there and take a loooooong time… but.. they don’t seem to offer the exquisiteness of tea with a fresh rose, lashings of cream and gorgeous tea cups. So.. you just have to choose the experience you want to have. Wherever you are really.