1. Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth will read dozens of promotions for NBC shows like Smash and The Voice and The Biggest Loser with all the enthusiasm of a glossophobic delivering a eulogy.

2. Hardcore fans of both the New York Giants and the New England Patriots will be decidedly more coherent after several cocktails than they were before. This does not include Boston Mayor Tom Menino.

3. Regardless of which team wins, Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady, will spend the next year atoning for making super model wife, Gisele Bundchen, go to Indianapolis. Millions of men across the planet will still wish they were him.

4. Watching Pittsburgh Steelers defensive end, Brett Keisel, shave his beard will be significantly more entertaining than all but three of the $3.5M+ commercials.

Bearderrific!!!

5. Dozens of viewers will require medical attention after trying to determine whether Madonna’s plastic surgery, the performers from Cirque du Soleil, or Cee Lo Green’s outfit is the most disturbing part of the Super Bowl halftime show. They will be thankful come Monday morning when they are the only people in America not singing “Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah!” following LMFAO’s performance.

7. You will consider, but ultimately resist, force-feeding Cheez Whiz and Buffalo wings to that one annoying party guest who feels compelled to say, “Isn’t there anything healthy to eat at this party?!?” You will have made the wrong choice.

8. Giants coach Tom Coughlin and Patriots coach Bill Belichick will scowl. A lot. [Ed. Note: In all fairness to the research staff at MuchAdo, coming up with ten whole things isn’t as easy as it seems.]