American Idol Finally...I Mean Finale

This won't be an actual review since, well...I didn't see the show. I'm writing from the Dodger Stadium pressbox. Unless Ken Griffey Jr. sings in rightfield I have nothing to critique.

But I must say I was surprised and pleased that David Cook won. Not that I disliked Archuleta. He could certainly sing Dan Fogelberg songs. It's just that, well...I'm not twelve.

And I also hated how his early coronation robbed the show of any suspense. Yes, there was the twist at the end but that's like a romcom where Hugh Jackman gets the girl instead of George Clooney. Big shocker.

At the end of the day I think America just couldn't stand hearing one more "Gosh!"

I only hope David Archuleta's dad doesn't ground him for a year.

As for the show itself, I'm guessing it was the usual bloated padded finale. Did they do the bit where the contestants sang with established acts? Did Brooke White sing with Axel Rose or Jason Castro with Barbra Streisand? Did they cart out all the other contestants? Were there a couple of big group numbers like salutes to Nirvana and Christian Rock? Did former losers anchor coverage in the finalists hometowns where we got to see thousands of excited sheep?

How many times did they plug ITunes? And Coke? And Ford? And American Idol summer camps or museums or tanning salons or whatever else they've dreamed up to fleece the public? How many plugs for the upcoming tour? The over-under in Vegas is 50. Will there be an American Idol Renaissance Faire this year?

How many former American Idols sang? How many former American Idoels could they find?

Did they show the bad auditions for the 90th time and bring the worst ones out on stage so the country could humiliate them just once more?

Was the show so overproduced that the Orange Bowl halftime show was demure by comparison?

I'll be interested to know if I'm right about any of this. And if I am, then that's the problem. When the only thing unpredictable is the outcome and even that's a big ho-hum it's time to rethink things. As Simon (the only thing worth keeping) might say: "It's stale and old fashioned. No wow factor. Poor format selection. Sorry."

So congratulations to David Cook. And good luck next year to you 100,000 idiots who are probably starting to line up at stadiums right now. Will I be watching? Yeah, hell, probably.