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Monday, March 26, 2012

“Overall, we love it. It’s that perfect intersection of German and majestic that we as an empire are striving for, without getting into all that frou-frou Neuschwanstein shit that can look, you know, a little too much and a little too faggy. The tent having one of those pointed helmets that we wear so often? That’s a super touch. It screams “German,” but in a way that’s less terrified than how our neighboring countries scream that word when they see us coming. All that said, we did have some issues, and we’re hoping you’re open to discussion about them. First, why don’t you know how to draw birds? I can see, like, I don’t know, maybe eight different birds in the overall design, and all of them looked like they’ve pressed flat like flowers in a heavy book. That big one? In the middle? That’s holding a picture of itself? What the hell? That tongue sticking out makes it look like he was surprised to be caught in the book. What message does this send about our German birds? That they’re all flightless and prone to posing awkwardly? It just seems really off-message and crappy, if I can say that. (I said that.) Second, and this is the big one, what’s up with those two dudes? To your credit, you clearly know what semi-nude men look like, to the point that we would advise you to practice drawing birds more. (You’re clearly very good at showing male musculature. No need to practice that.) But after discussing this as a group, we feel like maybe you were going for some neoclassical, Greek-meets-Aryan boy nymph thing, but then from the neck up you made them, like, cavemen? Or maybe some kind of dirty hippie rockers who have, like, shit in their birds? That is not hot, that is not on-message and that’s just not Germany. We don’t want everyone thinking that Germans can’t afford clothes and razors, and we certainly don’t want them to think that we shave our bodies at the expense of our faces. (I know I don’t. Maybe you do. That’s you. That’s not us.) In the end, know that we agree that your design has a great foundation. Just learn how to draw some freaking birds and garbage bin those butterfaces with the grass underwear, for God’s sake. We’re not telling you what to do, but we will say this: Everyone loves an oompah band. Just saying.”