Once Upon a Nipple...

Monday I sneezed really hard while accidentally pinching my nose with a tissue. My ears went *FOOF* and made a loud popping noise. It hurt, resulting in a few days worth of earaches.

This for some reason made me think of how, for a brief period of time, I had a third nipple when I was younger.

My brain, clearly rattled by the ear-shattering sneeze, thought: "Imagine what it would be like if, by sneezing while accidentally pinching your nose, it made a third nipple pop out, sorta like how being pregnant makes your belly button pop out."

And so we reach the story of my third nipple.

I emailed my mom to get the gritty truth about the story of my third nipple. Mom, I said, if you write me a nice little email telling me the story of how i started to grow a third nipple when i was younger, i will post it on my blog sometime this week.

And so came my mother's tale:

"The only thing I remember is you were somewhere around six or seven years old...and you brought it to my attention that you had this little knob on your midriff...so the next time we went to see my least favorite physican w/suburban pediatrics...Dr.W___...he confirmed it was a third breast that started due to excess hormones in your system (probably from an estrogen surplus found in processed meats and such) but he assured me it would eventually disappear which it did, didn't it? I don't seem to recall you using makeup or wearing a third brazier (M_____'s term) to clothe it...?"

The down and dirty facts, but I like to remember it like this though:

Once upon a time, there was a cute little girl named Lindy Loo.

She lived 6 years of her life like any normal girl. But then on the day of her sixth birthday, she woke up to find that she had sprouted a third nipple, a MIMPLE she began to call it.

She was afraid at first and tried to hide it. She didn't tell either of her parents about it.

One day when she was poking at it to see if she could get it to fall off, she happened to be thinking about and wishing for this new Cabbage Patch doll she had seen at K-mart. And there it was.

She was not a dumb child, and she quickly realized that when she rubbed on her mimple and made a wish, it would emit a beam of light and a high-pitched humming and her wish would be immediately granted. She was a child so she wished for childish things. But the fruits of her wishes quickly piled up, and it didn't take long before her parents became aware that she had in fact grown a third nipple and that this third nipple had "special powers."

Her parents were pleased initially, asking her to wish them some extra dough so they could pay off the rest of their house and some bills as well. But with all her incessant wishing, her parents started to run out of room for everything. Ponies, live tyrannosaurus rexes that menaced the neighborhood, 10-foot ice cream sundays, flying dogs, robots that shoot marshmallows from their ray guns, the list goes on and on.

So it had to be done--her parents took her to the doctor to have it removed. She cried and cried the night before and wished and wished. Her room filled up with parrots and clowns and dogs that could make themselves catch fire and trapeze artists and a cake that never ran out of slices.

But then morning came, and her parents dragged her off to the doctor. But not before wishing for a bit more money to live comfortably off of for the next few years.

And then it was done.

She was back to only two nipples. She was again just an ordinary girl.

But she would prove herself to be extraordinary in many other ways, as you now know. She would become a shark-tamer and learn to play a mean blues guitar.