"This is the kind of stuff that stem cell research could have cured."
"Yeah, you better get on that."

"Actually, I talk to my corpses, so this is about normal."

"I keep on wanting to call you Brie, and it's really mean."

"That's BAD!"
"Why?"
"Because I don't know their names, and they work in my office!"
"That's because you spend all your time talking to corpses!"

"No, this is my punishment for putting my life back together."

"Sylvia is coming over, and I'm going to do some experiments on her."

"After I call Joe, I go get gas."
"A lot of people get gas after calling Pizza Boy."

"Wow. Sounds like lycanthrophy is the new kissing disease."

"In other words, DO NOT FUCK A TRANSFORMED WEREWOLF."
"Extreme bestiality! The new World of Darkness reality show!"

"You know what's a really good way to make him fall over again? 'So, Kim,
can you tell us who brainwashed you?'"

I no longer have any idea what this was about:
"Going to pass out?"
"Planning on it."
"Big fucking pea pod."

"So we're looking for the metaphorical canyon of death."
"Or the canyon of metaphorical death."

"Sweet! Now I just need to find a werewolf who will let me strap it down
and peel off its skin."

"You'll notice Kim wasn't willing to go all the way with a vampire, unlike
some of the people in this group."

"He just punked you so bad. I might even call it a burn. Or a lesion."

"No, that's okay. Dead rats can be dead."

"Little did you know, the rat now has superintelligence and is holding
your electron microscope hostage."
[sings] "Pinky and the Brain, Pinky and the Brain, one of them's a genius
and the other's insane..."

"So here's the second rat. We'll call it R2."
"Too bad we don't have any dogs to stand next to them. Two of them, to
be exact."

"We're already murderers. We might as well be liars, too."
"I don't think 'we' is quite the right term to use when we're talking about
the murderer in this group."

"Everybody does love the urine."

"Whiskey and ketchup! Together at last!"

"Wow. If only I got explosive diarrhea every time I got surprised."

"The old lady with the fake boobs is hitting on the pizza guy. Our game
is every porno ever made. "

"Yes, the difference of a day can make a difference."

"La la, I'm so chipper! And I also have a thirst for vengeance!"

[After learning that a massacre had taken place at the train station.]
"Your courier comes in with a bunch of assistants, which is unusual, because
usually they only need one person to bring a corpse in."
"Oh, goddammit. It's gonna be a huge motherfucker."

"...And in Iain's World of Darkness, Beth, I think you're a necrophiliac."

"Wait. How does a zombie get a boner?"

"That's what I do. I spawn babies. They come out of a huge mucosal sac."

"Her father, once again, helped him out of a tough situation."
"A tough situation. A tough situation in his pants!"

"Problems. Heh. She's talking about impotence."

[Yelled through the wall at the neighbors.]
"Yes, that's right. I said erectile dysfunction!"

"I take you upstairs. It's very sterile."
[snort] "Just like Leah's husband."

"I sure hope you can explain this in such a way that we will believe it."

"So you guys know how I have that power?"
"The one where you can't sleep?"
"No!"

"Two of the rats get hooked up with their disease. Yeah. They've got their
sores on."

"It's like spitting in somebody's soup."
"Or more correctly, it's like having your rat spit in somebody's soup."

"I was never the wrong Creed for this! I've played two and a half Judges!"

"Are you two killing people again?"
[points] "...Leah started it!"

"I want to get him on record, admitting to controlling the clowns. It'll
be helpful later on for our persecution of him."
[silence]
"...You mean prosecution?"
"Bit of a Freudian slip there, huh, Nikki?"

"So the basement of the nightclub smells like a concentration camp? Terrific!"

"Does Mavenne have unruly hair?"
"She's half black and half Latino. What do you think?"
"Wait, you're half black and half Latino and we haven't been making fun
of you for it? [pounds table] This has to change!"

"It's like our original Hunter group had a threesome, and out popped Mavenne."

"Can we just change her name to Rancid Bitch and get it over with?"

"So you take her to the salon."
"They judge her."

"Hey, you're as good at being nice to people as I am at shooting things."
"Well, it's good to see that we both know our place."

"I'm gonna jump on Hunter-Net."
"Excellent. You will soon have Hunter-Net babies."

"I don't think he's actually a child molester. He just looks at child
porn. So there's a difference."

"...Because I don't want to use the word 'evisceration' in public if I
can help it."

"I like boring porn the best."

"I've got Mavenne pictured so very white in my head."

"Mexican black necrophiliac and we're not making fun of her for
it? Aaaaaaah!"

"E says something in a language you don't understand..."
"Does it sound like spellcaster?"

"Remind me again of why we just did that."
"We stopped those kids from getting hurt."
"Yeah, but if we hadn't gone there, we wouldn't have known about it!"

"I set my phaser to 'set on fire.'"

"Omigod. He likes me like a motherfucker."

"Maybe I won't be skullfucked! Wouldn't that be swell?!"

"Poo doesn't go in the chest hole."

"Yeah, its nuts are from the same genus. The rest of it is something
totally different. It's, like, a clam with giant gorilla balls."

"Dude, I'm not sure I want to talk to you right now. You insult my religion,
you bogart the Inspire..."

"Your gun does not seem to scare it in the slightest. Neither does its
exploding comrade."

"Ones will kill you. I know that, guys."

"He's coming to save you even though you're a rancid bitch!"

"That would be a fun thing to have to explain to the Heralds: how you
got your tongue stuck to an evil sword."
"You see, I have Intelligence 4, but it was an Intelligence 1 moment."
"Yeah, I was only using one of them."
"Wound penalties. That's all I've got to say."

"That Communion messed me up!"

"How far is it to the city of Teffelsburg from the state of Atlanta, if
I'm driving from here?"

"Who would wear sunglasses at night?"
"I can think of a few songs about that."

"Wow, I felt that one in the depths of my ass."

"What's up, Tall Tree? [pause, then under his breath] What's this guy's
name again?"

"The wind blows up his loincloth, and it is clear that his name is Tall
Tree."

"Dude, you guys just got punked!"
"Do you say that?"
"NO!"[tons of laughter]
"Okay, because sometimes with Joe, you can't tell."

"Do you take off your shoes and socks?"
"Well, yeah. And I also took off my pants."
"Okay. Then I took off my shirt."

"Well I can't very well carry a gun around in my underwear!"
"Why not? You do it all the time at home."

"It's a scampering jelly!"

[This was a very serious conversation.]
"Is it like a hag or like a djinn?"
"More like a djinn."

"Before we go in, though, we wanna hit on his mom..."

"I have faith in my gizmo-shooting ability."

"You know, one could say that gun had been Jerry-rigged."

"My vision ate your vision! Humped it right in the ear!"

"I wanna go both ways, guys, if you know what I mean."

"We're straight with a bend. Terrific."

"The corridor ends, and you find yourselves in..."
"A closet!"

"What would I have grabbed if I'd rolled a one? Wait, don't answer that."

"He's totally got a hard-on for this combat."

"This thing's for cuttin' tongues off, is what it's for!"

"You can always tell who studied what, in gaming."
"Did you just say who studded what?"

"If you didn't want us to treat your game like D&D, you shouldn't
have ripped off that module."
"Hey. I didn't rip it off. I borrowed it wholesale."

"Yeah, we're putting your mother's pearls in a blood-soaked pool."
"Isn't that where she got them in the first place?"

"I pistol-whip Keraptis in the heart!"

"Leah's taking it rough."

"The dead walked. Oh fuck."

[Spoken about a baby.]
"...We didn't really know what to do, so we backed over it with a pickup
truck and drove off."

"He called me a lost soul!"
"Well, you kind of are."

"I didn't make it to church because...I have yarn on my head."

"Only YOU can prevent forest fires! And there's a picture of a guy torching
a zombie with a flamethrower, with a big red X over it."

"Plumbers are assholes. And sometimes you can see them."

"You're what we would call the alignment of Sketchy Neutral."

"You would recognize the sedative as something that hospitals use on..."
"Horses!"

"Mavenne is...driven."
"That's the polite way of saying it."

"Then I suppose that if I want to Cleave there's only one way I can do
it."
"Take off your bra!"

"Can I roll Perception + Theology to see if the imp is alive or dead?"
"The Bible doesn't tell you about demon anatomy."
"How do you know?"
[sigh] "Okay, you can roll to try to figure out its anatomy."
[rolls] "Two."
"It's a boy."

"What are you doing?"
"Dissecting it."
"It might still be alive."
"I know, that's the best part."

"So while they're vivisecting this demon in the bathroom, can I find out
what French she was speaking?"

"So the new diary admits that he's madly in love with Brie, but the old
one is more coy about it?"

"Kim, you're gonna be in a lot of trouble if Mavenne sees you like that."
"Why?"
"Because she doesn't like you with your pants off."

[to the tune of the Transformers theme] "Sex forest...more than meets
the eye."

"It's like, ooh, look at me! I'm blood!"

"Mavenne never stops spraying."
"That could be your new motto."

"What's cheesier than cheese? Brie!"

"I'm thrusting into it trying to keep blood from spraying all over. That
should work unless it's got like a pressurized blood sac, like one of Quentin
Tarantino's humans."

"You take your sword and get it re-blessed. Yeah, get a little back-room
blessing done."
"It could have been worse. It could have been a back-door blessing."

"It seems like George here is a really sharp biscuit."

"Why do I have 'Johnstown office building' and 'Johnstown warehouse' written
down on my to-do list?"
"It's probably a place where you wanted to do. It. With someone."

"Hey, quit juicin' the cumanis!"

"Yes, I look for anything suspicious that isn't us."

"Right, so you extricate yourself from Brie's bush..."

"Leah's really getting into the mindset of this whole thing."
"Yeah, I'm thinking a little too much like Beth."
"Leah might think like that."
"Yeah, well, the thing is that Beth thinks this could be the most fun thing
she's done in gaming for several years."

"Like I said, you find plenty of barf and semen..."

"Snail toss!"
"Snailsplosion!"

"Are they being dumb about it or are they testing it intelligently?"
"Um, a little of both."
"Heh. They're being dumbtelligent."

"If I want to be bungie-corded to Healer, does that make me helpful or
just gay?"

[while fighting a giant spider] "Give me a giant broom and a place to
stand."

"That's priceless. Never again will you see a gigantic spider riding a
roller coaster."

"Good Judge Of Character! Best merit ever for a job recruiter."
"Wow. Great Liar. We'd be like Monkey
vs. Robot."

"Where did I put my scrotum?"

"Yeah, your scrotum is nice and soft."

"Dude, your scrotum pinches down real nice. Look at that. Look at the
necking on his scrotum."

"I wish my scrotum were that supple."

"Dude, we need to stick things in my scrotum."

"Harriet has two mommies."
"Two mommies and a daddy."
"Aw, I thought Steven was her other mommy."

"And that was through the scrotum, too!"

"What have you had to do for your rerolls yet? You got some mouth-to-mouth
from a chick while you were sleeping. And it helped you."

"You know what I love about this game? It's like 1/3 actual gaming, 1/3
people saying horrible but hilarious things, and 1/3 people congratulating other
people on how funny the horrible things they just said were."

"It's like your typical..."
"Man fest."
"Sausage party."

"Oh, God. Oh, extra God."

"Please come over and help me punch an old lady in the face."

"Leah just finished exorcising Mavenne's hands."

"How do you deal with old ladies?"
"Well, don't punch them in the face, for starters."

"I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other spiders can't deny."
"Right up the spinneret."

"Jerry, make me a silly hat."

"How long is the shaft?"
"It's huge!"
"About nine inches."

"Defenders never die. Until they're dead."
"...Thank you."

"I try to spread out without getting too far outside of Brie's Ward."
"That shouldn't be too hard seeing as how I'm following you."
"It's like, 'Spread out! But I am spread out!'"
"Six inches is as far as Brie spreads."
"Then that might be a problem in more ways than one."

"Before being deep-throated by Ajboh, it's alwasy a good idea to Pinpoint
the tongue."

"Brie, what are you gonna do?"
"What do you think I'm gonna do?"
"Scream and charge?"
"Well, of course."

"I'm gonna go back to swatting the birds in the hopes that if Mavenne
picks up the rest of the bells, it'll give her something to do and keep her
from Pinpointing."

"This is me deep-throating Ajboh!"

"You do believe that the beak could make your life shorter..."

"Can't talk! Barfing!"

"Yeah, you thought you could eat light, didn't you?"
"Actually, most of the time, I can."

"I don't know what would be in Brie's closet."
"Except for Brie."

"Ain't I a woman?" [makes Cleave noise]

"Dude, I think we're gonna bag a dragon tonight."

"We're gonna score with some non-profit-organization skanks."

"Have you tried not being a vampire?"

"Yeah, but...we're good vampires."

"Well, obviously the Espin people were going about it all wrong in that
they were planning to hire a bunch of hobos to take part in their ritual..."

"May I make an interjection?"
"Fuck!"

"Darryl evolved into Darryl-mon."
"Darryl! Darryl!"

"We love your store so much."
"We love it to rubble."

"...Damn cartoon storks."

"Things are getting poison-er!"

"How could Dennis administer physical therapy from a wheelchair?"
"He'd chase them with his flaming sword."

"I wanna go clean his pool."
"And then sleep with his wife."
"And make a porno out of it."

"I don't have any friends. I ate them all. It was a miracle."

"Gauge's dad was a pedophile."
"Then where did Gauge come from?"

[sings] "Gauge's mom has got it going on..."

"It's like feeding a very hungry dog a very sharp biscuit."

"Heh. You got nuts on your nuts."

"...And he just whips out whatever equipment makes you the most uncomfortable."
"One boob, one nut, and half a choad."

"You just broke your sensitive bit off in a lock!"

"I have a gay cousin named Donald! Well, actually, he's more like my uncle."
"What, is he your uncle-cousin? Family tree didn't branch when it should
have?"
"Uncle-cousin, you've got such purdy eyes..."

"Harry Potter and Donald Duck: gay for each other since, um, now."

"Harry Duck? Is that like a furry turkey?"

"Do we have a black light?"
"What, are you seeing if someone jizzed on the kimono?"

"It's pretty easy to overact when you can open your mouth wide enough
to fit an entire person."

"I saw lots of dudes swallowing other dudes in the middle of the night,
if you know what I mean."

"We'll find her a cock if she needs one."

"Just so long as she doesn't grow up and want to be called Harry."
"Eh, that's fine too, as long as she doesn't grow up to be an agent of
evil."

"Martyrs like to watch."

"Can't die now, gotta die later!"

"What's white and square and goes in your mouth?"
"Geometric spum."

"We're not just religious fanatics. We also have a purpose."

"I love you, science. I love you too, Mavenne."

"Feel him up!...Wait, I thought you were gay."

"Too many holes and tubes involved."
"And that's why you should never have sex with a robot."
"Or the Internet."

"It looks like Satan from South Park."
"With a really hairy crotch."

"...And then I'm going to ravage him."

"Demons gave me cancer!"

"Thank you, Al-Qaeda, for giving the Technocracy an excuse to blow anything
up. The planes hit the World Trade Center and they were like, 'Christmas!'"

"Dude, in his normal form, Gary Coleman out-talls Curio."

"What does hellfire do again?"

"Can we see demon ball?"
"Demon Ball Z!"

"And now he goes into his second boss form..."

"...And the only fatality was Joe Pesci."

[sings] "The tongue bone's connected to the leg bone..."

"We have an apologizing fight, just like the Japanese."

"Yes, dial the red phone. The red phone in my pants!"
"You better make sure to answer that before it becomes a blue phone."

"When is the Apocalypse supposed to happen?"

"You guys are so gay, you're straight."

"Dirk Benedict. It's my knife and my breakfast."

"Hey, you go up in there dressed in holy stuff and tossing jewelry and
cat grenades around..."

"...So if I went over to that end of town and asked for Carlos, I could
get my face punched in!"

"You get this tremendous sense of being, uh..."
"Shot."

"It was spent or frittled away."

[whimpers] "He just touched me and then he died."

"You feel rushing wind like you're, you know...somewhere windy."

"Someone must be watching over you."
"And every time he sees you, he beats you."

"If I had Discern, I would totally have an aural helmet."
"A helmet is when they go in your hair."

"I should have, like, dismembered body fugue."
"Wait, so do you go into a fugue when you see dismembered bodies, or you
go into fugue and dismember bodies?"
"Or you go into fugue when your body is dismembered?"

"How can we turn Ajboh back into Johab?"
"We will tell you."
[cell phone rings, perfectly interrupting one of the moments of greatest dramatic
tension in the game thus far]
"It's coming from the audience!"

"Is there any way I can talk to Ajboh?"
"Yeah, that's easy."
"Step one, touch your tongue to mine."

"It's like the quest for the willing wench, version depressing."

"Are you gonna be okay?"
"I kind of don't sleep anymore."

"I got a 10."
"13."
"Lesbians suck. Or lick, as the case may be."
"I was wondering how long it would take for that to start."
"Well, we've been playing for 3 1/2 minutes."

"It's like you put a microwave full of silverware in another microwave
and then turned them both on."

"No, my next derangement is not going to be bestiality."
"That's not a derangement, that's a lifestyle!"

"What's a money sh-?"

[Brainstorming slogans for National Hope Day.]
"Spread hope, not dope."
"Hope on a rope, and there's a picture of a noose on it."
"Don't drop the hope."

"What's kind of funny is that your hand grenade dealer and your cat dealer
are the same guy."

"Hey fucker, no balls!"

"Spreading hope in the form of bullets."
"Spreading hope one body at a time."

"Hunters fight like mages have sex."

"Have we ever tried to grab their balls?"
"You've only ever grabbed your own balls."

"Just remember, your balls always glue with a happy glow."

"I wonder if I could grab a supernatural's balls and absorb them."

"Nightstands are the best."

"They make little blood poops. Droppin' a blood sausage."

"Dude, that would be awesome if you were a vampire and were addicted to
pooping."

[phone rings] "Hi, Alex...The tongue thing?...No, not with each other."

"Going 50 years forward in this game is kind of like a DC/Marvel crossover."
"Nah, it's more like Crisis On Infinite RPGs."

"You wanna do that thing you can do where you keep us from setting off
more traps?"
"What, you mean leaving?"

"No, we're just two flowers. Chillin'."
"I want to lick your pollen."

"I don't know, it just seems like wherever we go, Denu is there fucking
us in the ass."
"Denu is a Paul character."

"Perhaps when all is said and done..."
"...Your dad could fall down the stairs and it won't matter."

"Hey, if you give Brie one of your symbols, you intuitively know how committed
she is to your vision."
"How committed is Brie to Mavenne's vision?"
"Very committed."
"You also get kind of a gay sense."
"She's gayly committed to your mission."

"And what kind of impression are you getting from this?"
"A gay one."

"And then what I'm doing is I'm closeting myself - no pun intended..."

"Whelm is doing everything he can to provoke and agitate the water."
"What, is he sticking his dick in it?"

"You gather them. You're a hunter and a gatherer."

"How do you like your water now?"

"I'm lubed and ready for battle."

"If it causes you to recoil, it should probably go in the quote book."

"'Cause I feel so bad if evil is traumatized."

"The lindworm is going to penis its way over here now."
"'Penis' is a verb now?"
"When you look like that, it is."

"Steven would want me to run like a little girl here."

"Yes, because our standard for realism is clearly Titus Pullo."

"I'm not going to drink out of a glass that had kangaroo sack in it."

"Is my water gonna taste like ball sweat now?"

"I don't know, his water did just get teabagged."

"So it's like Iron Will plus ho-bagging."

"I'm gonna do what I did for Leah before, you know, when I was..."
(pulling motions)
"Lesbians?"

"Roll your Douche + Fucktardery."

"She looks over at Ajboh and the two Ajboh-lets who are having this kind
of painful twisted..."
"Ménage a trois?"

[while fighting Ajboh] "Dammit, he's doing the blinky red thing now."

"Leah's the backwards L because she's facing the other way."
"Or because I'm illiterate."
"Or it's for lesbian."

"BJ is offscreen."
"You would definitely have to get a BJ offscreen."
"Yeah, this is a network show."

"I still have more guns to throw."

"I manifest Demand and bring a curb over specifically so I can stomp Ajboh's
head on it."

"Helping Johab around is a lot like helping a newborn moose."

"Sympathy Puker is not a flaw."
"But it should be."

"...And then he was laying on the floor gurgling for about five seconds
before he died."

"So I guess as planned, in the morning we go to the spinoff."

"Yeah, Healer and Whelm move up to Canada so they can get married."

The Characters and Players:Leah Conway, a Redeemer housewife from a sheltered evangelical
Christian background. Brie's partner, although deeply closeted. Played by Beth.Mavenne Rochel, a Visionary, overworked county medical examiner, recovering
alcoholic, and the director of Common Hope. Played by Nikki.Joe Smith, an overly paranoid Judge and pizza delivery boy/convenience
store clerk formerly held captive by the Sons of Gareth. Played by Alex.Brie Steinberg, an ex-nurse Defender now working full-time
at Common Hope. Leah's slightly-less-closeted partner. Played by Noel.ST: Iain.

Fallen Comrades:Gauge, a Minneapolis-based Martyr sent to help
the Atlanta group confront the Cult of Ajboh. Sacrificed himself to defeat Gareth.
Played by Alex.Ben Romano, a disgustingly rich and handsome Redeemer.
Skipped town with his family. Played by Eric Z.