A Dating Tip I Disagree With

Be honest about what you’re looking for in relationships right from the start.

It’s no secret that technology has exponentially changed the way people date, and an article published today on Elite Daily argues that because of the explosion in the ways people can make a match, it’s very important to make sure you do this one specific thing:

“be honest about what you’re looking for in relationships right from the start.”

Even if you tell yourself you’re open to anything, deep down you’re usually either ready for a relationship or you’re looking for something casual. And if you don’t tell a potential date what you really want, you can’t be upset if they try to steer your outing toward something more romantic or more physical.

[…] You’d probably be frustrated if you spent three months hanging out with someone, only to find out they just wanted a FWB while you were interested in spending Valentine’s Day together. Solution? Save yourself and the other person the time and possible heartbreak by having an honest conversation up front.

Hmm, I not only disagree with this advice, but also I think it could seriously backfire. What if you think you’re looking for something casual (i.e. someone to have sex with, basically), but you develop real feelings for the person and want to pursue a more serious relationship than casually hooking up? If you’ve told the other person that you were only looking for something casual, you might be less inclined to take things to the next level. Or, if you do try, the other person might think you intentionally misled him or her.

On the flip side, you might think you’re looking for “a real relationship,” and you tell the other person that on a first or second date, and he or she might read that as “I want a relationship with you,” which can be…a bit intense that early on. And maybe you DO want a relationship with that person and you think you know that very early, and he or she does too, and then you pursue that “real relationship” more quickly or aggressively than what feels natural. What if in a few dates, you realize you’re better off as friends? Or that you aren’t very compatible at all? Or that he voted for Trump? But you have this pressure that you might not have had otherwise to stay put and not MOA because you said you were looking for a relationship and you don’t want to seem like you lied, or you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, because then the statement becomes, “I’m looking for a relationship… but not with you.”

I don’t know… what’s the rush with defining things? I mean, yeah, if you truly do NOT want a relationship and you’re only looking for sex and you want the sex right away and with no strings attached, be honest about that. But, otherwise, I think the default understanding in dating is that people want to … date, which means get to know other people and see who you click with, who you have chemistry with, and what connections develop over the course of several dates/weeks/months into “real relationships.”

Thoughts? Have you been “honest about what you’re looking for” only to have it backfire? Or has someone told you he was looking for one thing and later changed his mind?

About Wendy Atterberry

Wendy Atterberry writes the relationship site Dear Wendy, which features relationship advice that isn't sugar-coated. Wendy has been featured on CNN, the Today Show, and elsewhere. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband, two kids, and two cats.