'the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind'

Daily Archives: June 16, 2011

Padma: For today’s Quickfire Challenge, you are to assemble an edible meal using only the ingredients in Julie’s kitchen.Contestant 1: Wait, “edible”? That’s the only requirement?Padma: Yes. The meal must be edible, and cannot cause the judges physical harm.Contestant 2: Are you serious? Is this a joke?Padma: No, this is not a joke.Contestant 3: You guys aren’t even trying anymore…

To the camera:Contestant 1: Are you bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeping kidding me? I’ve got this one in the bag!Contestant 2: These jokers won’t know what hit them when they see what I come up with.Contestant 3: I think it’s a trap, but lucky for me I spent most of my childhood escaping from possum traps.

In the kitchen:The Contestants are searching through the contents of Julie’s Kitchen, opening drawers and cabinets and scouring the refrigerator.

Contestant 1: Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. There are no eggs? Where are the eggs? How am I supposed to make a quiche without any bleeeeeeeping eggs?!Contestant 2: What are “Toastee Whole Grain Oh’s?”
Contestant 3: I think these raisins have expired…

Contestant 1: Ok, no eggs. That’s ok, that’s ok… I can make… uh… Well, there’s a some oatmeal. Oh, and here’s another can of oatmeal… Wait, is this more oatmeal? Why is there so much bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeping oatmeal?!Contestant 2: I don’t understand. Why is this cheese already shredded?Contestant 3: These strawberries are fuzzy…

At the Judges’ TablePadma: Chefs, you were tasked with preparing an edible meal using only the contents of Julie’s kitchen. Let’s see what you’ve come up with. Contestant 1, this appears to be a bowl of… pencil shavings?Contestant 1: It’s spices. Why were so many bleeeeeeeeep seasonings if THERE’S NOTHING TO BLEEEEEEEEEEP SEASON?!
Padma: I’m sorry, Contestant 1, but I’m afraid you’ve missed the mark. Contestant 2? This is…? What is this?Contestant 2: It’s called being resourceful!Padma: It appears you just squirted mustard onto a kitchen sponge… Um, contestant 3? We have another dish served in a bowl…Contestant 3: I call it a naked PB & J.Padma: Naked?Contestant 3: Well, there was no bread, so…