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DESPERATELY SEEKING SNOOZIN’: Embrace Insomnia

Slowly, it begins.

The first stages of being fully awaken from unconsciousness, undeniable. The defeated walk down the hallway after countless tosses and turns, inevitable. The horrible programming on television, insufferable. The empty roll call on all social media, undesirable. The positions attempted on the living room’s couch, uncomfortable. The sun’s announcement of morning’s arrival, abominable. The alarm’s repeated cackle as a reminder that you failed to get a good night’s sleep, unmistakable. The poorly planned attempt to have a normal morning while ignoring blurred vision and lustful glances at the bed, laughable.

This is an insomniac’s journey through another woke night. Don’t even come at me with that “I woke up early” crap that effects you once a month. That’s just some regular ol’ missed sleep. You ain’t one of us, chief. Most of the people that claim to be members of this terrible club have no idea what the actual tortured experience is like. The difference between missed sleep and insomnia is akin to the difference between weather and climate: one might impact your day while the other might wreck your life. I’m a 30+ year vet at this, so I know what I’m talking about. Here’s a literal couple of ideas that I think would help my fellow insomniacs embrace the idea that for some nights, sleep just isn’t in the cards.

Never fight being awake. Oh, you’re just going to lay there and drift back to sleep, eh? How often have you told yourself that lie, only to make a beeline to the remote half an hour later? Like a psychosis, your mind is your worst enemy once awaken in the middle of night; unpacking and repacking the day’s events like a computer with skipping record for a processor, making sleep virtually impossible. It’s over, man. Just plan ahead and deal with your blinky bad time the best you can. Don’t just grab bland filler either. Make it fun and something to look forward to. I refer to my nightly interruption as ‘Happy Hour’, where I watch the shows that only I like and everyone else in my family roll their eyes at (Deadbeat, I’m looking at you). I also use my time to write this blog, which explains why the quality is SO GOOD.

Never solicit sympathy. Be it a simple request for fellow employees to not knock on your door during lunch because you’re trying to take a nap or asking the kids to keep the noise down while you go try to catch some zzz’s, Just. Don’t. Do. It. Any attempt to highlight your plight will do nothing but draw negative attention to you like werewolves to the moon. You are a cranky, sleep eschewing, eye bagged daywalker. Treat the regular folks like the squares they are and tell no one about your life as a sleepless monster. It’s amazing how people will leave you alone when they don’t know you want them to. Oh, and then there’s all the suggestions. MY GOD ALL THE SUGGESTIONS. After the seventh “tried that, didn’t work”, they’ll just think you’re either full of crap or bringing insomnia on yourself anyway. Skip the frustration.