Where do I go from here?

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Dude, Where’d You Go?

One thing about life: It never stays the same. To be cliché, the only constant is change. I could go on, but y’all know what I mean.

I haven’t really blogged in over a year. My world was getting hectic, with two kids, a job, a home etc that something had to give. So I stopped blogging. I always felt guilty about not blogging, the pressure to add a new post winding the coil of an already long responsibility-list. That lifted when I stopped.

I also felt like I had nothing good to say. No one likes a whiner.

So where have I been? What am I doing? Newsy updates below for those who aren’t on the Facebook-thing.

Running

Well, I am not running any more, nor am I at a gym. My hip, despite physio and strength exercises, cannot handle more than 5 k a week, and with walking back and forth from the bus, if I was running, made the pain almost unbearable. So I stopped. I had switched to a neutral shoe, and even with that, the pain in my toes had not gone away either. So, I stopped. I miss it, but walking doesn’t hurt my hip near as much, and I like it. I discovered that my left leg is indeed shorter than my right by a significant amount. This also means my left calf muscle is bigger. Which is the reason my left hip hurts more. It torques when I run.

I don’t regret all the time I put into the running, or the races I did. The bibs are proudly displayed at work. If I ever decided to try again, it will be with a zero-drop shoe, and it will be softer-footed trails, hiking, and walk/run intervals. No more road races for me, or pounding pavement.

Horses

I got back on a horse in May last year.

After nine years of no regular riding, I made the plunge and signed up for lessons at Wesley Clover Park. It is five minutes from the house, is a hunter/jumper place (I know, crazy eventer lady is learning the hunter world) and I really, really love it there. I volunteer once a week, and I can afford to ride once a week right now. As expected, I’ve fallen in love with a chestnut gelding, whom I do get to ride most weeks in my lessons. My instructor has taken me apart and is putting me back together, elbows and all. I will never be a “pretty” rider. Years of riding green youngsters and crazy horses ingrained my defensive riding posture, and my c-scar has completely changed how riding from the core feels. My body is so different from my 20-something toned stuck-in-the-saddle one that I sort of felt I was starting from scratch. I don’t bounce, and I jiggle, and the close-contact saddles don’t fit my ass.

Yes, I said ass.

Is it satisfying to be back on a horse? Yes. Am I missing horse ownership and riding more often? Yes. Do I miss working in the industry now that I am somewhat immersed back into the culture? *^&% Yes. Does it make me want to quit my job and try again? All the time. Do I shop for horses online, look at the green horses at the barn and salivate to ride them? Jeebus yes. The yearn to train horses is back.

I had no idea how much I missed this world until I walked back into it.

Making the monthly riding bill a priority, and not giving up on it when money was tight eventually meant that I could stop taking the anti-depressants I was prescribed. I was hurting, and after finally getting help, we tried a few different medications. they were helping, but also changed me. I didn’t like it.I felt like I was in a fog. I felt like I was not me. (also a reason there were no blogs about all of this. I couldn’t find the positive energy to write it.)

There were some times last year that I counted the moments until I could be at the barn, and other times, it was the only bright spot in my week. Once I started volunteering once a week in January, to cuddle ponies, muck stalls, help with barn operations, the fog lifted. I felt like I belonged there. Happiness invaded the darkness, and I returned the unused pills to the pharmacist to dispose of. So when I tell people that getting back on a horse has been a life-saver, I literally mean that. It brought back something missing in my life that is integral to who I am. Although I am still packing a few extra pounds, I don’t feel it when I am on a horse. It is part of my involuntary muscle control. Sitting a trot to collect it, or riding a line of fences is my anti-depressant. Having my favorite schoolies nicker when I walk up to their stall, and simply enjoying grooming and loving horses has been my therapy.

Family

Holy toot, we are one heckuva unit. The four of us are always going full tilt. My family is incredible and I am blessed with happy, healthy, funny kids.

My kids are more energetic than ever. The house is always a disaster, and there are Legos, Pokemon, and Frozen toys everywhere. My son has had some challenges in school, and we’ve had to put an IEP in place and have an “assessment” done. He doesn’t have an official diagnosis of GAD or ADHD, but there is indication that if his challenges get worse this coming school year, there will be more of an impetus to diagnose officially. He does have impulse control issues, so we work hard on that with structure and coping mechanisms.

Raising a boy is hard! Raising a boy in the school system, that I really do honestly feel is not set up for boys, is an education in itself. Despite his challenges, he is a bright and funny 7 year old. Can you believe it? He’s 7!

My daughter starts school this year, and she is turning into a very outgoing and creative girl. She comes to horse shows with me, and loves pink, purple, glitter, Frozen, and nail polish. I am so screwed. She’s girly. But, she also loves mud, trucks and other things that her brother loves. Thank God. We’ll have one drop off for both of them in September, and less day care fees, and this is a moment to celebrate!

My husband is still doing Crossfit. He’s still really into it, and I still hear about it way more than I want to, and have to listen to the irritating drone of the cheering when he watches Crossfit competitions on his tablet. But he has made some good friends through his box, and he’s finally being more social, so that makes me happy. It was awhile after his friend moved away before he wanted to go out for drinks with other guys. I was socializing much more than he was, and I am the introvert!

So yeah, there it is. My world in a nutshell.

Likely this space will become my place to drivel on about horses, if I get the chance to blog more often than I used to. I hope to still be humorous. I’m closing in on 40. Big deal, that. Lots of fodder there, right?

See you soon, hopefully. Until then, treat people nicely, and pay it forward. ♥