by AYCACUN

FLOATING..

Over the past six years that I have been leaving abroad, I spent every single Xmas break with my family and friends back home. It kinda turned into a tradition. And this year was not any different than the others. Much needed time back home with the loved ones is the best cure in the world. Connecting back to who you were before, feeling the overdose of LOVE, having the fantastic food of mom’s and actually observing how much has changed…

Yes, the change, the one thing that does not change…

The chance to look back and see the picture clearer, since you never understand while you are going through certain things.You actually has to stop and look back to realize what it was all about. Me, seeing all my besties almost moving from single life to motherhood ~some with two kids, is kinda crazy to watch them grow in different parts of life but at the same time witnessing that nothing has changed amongst us. Where you can pick up where you left off, even with some of them after few years of not seeing each other. True definition of connected in some deeper level I guess while majority of the things in surface are changing. That is what matters the most.

But the biggest difference after all years is actually the feeling of “HOME”, more like how the way you feel at home versus how you were feeling when you actually live there. Funny that it is like being in love with two different guys at the same time. Home is not only where you are from anymore. It is also where you live, where you build your life, your new friends, your new reality. You miss them both at the same time, when you are away from either of them. While you are connected to both in different levels, at the same time you are NOT as much as you were before. How?

The OG Home ~ even though you spent majority of your life there, you are less connected to the new reality. Yes your roots are there, but its has less branches since you split those roots between the two homes.

The New Home ~ real talk, you technically have no roots. Not a lot of history, not many feelings like you have back home but you are building something from scratch to grow your new roots.

Maybe for that reason, while you are connected to them both , at the same time it starts feeling like a bit “rootless”. In a way, it starts feeling like you are kinda FLOATING all over. Seeing everything and everyone like from a cloud, even though you are connected, its a different level of connection. Invisible roots maybe coming from the clouds. Yeah its not the exact definition of feeling grounded but you can actually do. While you belong to both sides, you actually feel like you don’t belong to any of them. It’s just so different, kinda weird sometimes…

A different level of freedom ~ if you chose to see it that way. And at the same time, a different beast of fear provoking feeling. Maybe its the NEW definition of belonging in this era where you belong multiple places in different ways at the same time. You don’t have to (maybe) define yourself with one or belong just one to feel loved. Maybe the love you get from both sides is what enriches your soul. The experience of feeling that way is what makes you “YOU”. Maybe you are not meant to belong somewhere…