Leftovers danger!

The EPA is warning us that food waste is a terrible thing! Not because of all the starving children in Africa, but because most of it goes to landfills, where it rots and produces deadly methane gas which contributes to the global warming that will kill us all, despite the lofty promises of His Oneness.

Guess what? Food is broken down in human digestive systems, and human flatulence, laughingly referred to as “farts” by every adolescent boy who ever lived, can produce both hydrogen gas and methane, both of which are flammable.

The obvious solution is for EPA to demand that we stop eating in order to preserve the planet for plants and other animals. I vote for EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy to go first. After all, last April she admitted that her agency does not have – and cannot produce – all of the scientific data used for decades to justify numerous rules and regulations under the Clean Air Act. I wonder if she would hide behind the lack of actual science to avoid starvation…