Captain Wales America uses the porta-potty

I have so much bathroom anxiety, it’s almost crippling. It’s worse in the summer, especially as I travel so much and so many people wear flipflops on airplanes and then use the airplane facilities. Turbulence is unpredictable, you know. As previously already mentioned, this is also why I avoid outdoor festivals. My small bladder combined with my constant hydration requirements do not work at an outdoor festival. At some point, I’m told, you’re having too much to care about stepping in piss now and again or staring at a cavern full of sh-t and puke, but this is a state of mind I know I’ll never be able to achieve. I’m well aware you think I’m only living 80% of life, if that. But, frankly, I’d rather have clean feet.

Prince Henry of Wales, third in line to the throne of England, clearly doesn’t see it the same way. Captain Wales was in America this weekend presiding over the Warrior Games in Colorado. He had to relieve himself, and instead of making his security team drive him to the nearest 5 diamond hotel -- which is what I would have done -- he took a leak in the porta-potty like everyone else. I imagine the royal scamp is used to the decidedly un-luxurious way of life from his time in the army. It’s one of the reasons he’s so popular. Hot Harry isn’t poncy. Hot Harry was also gifted with his very own pair of personalised kicks.

But he’d make a great superhero, wouldn’t he? Is there a Royal Superhero story out there somewhere? Mother dies in a tragic accident, the defining moment of his life. Bad decisions in adolescence and early adulthood. A playboy prince, through and through. But he finds his family in the military. Cornered in a firefight on a bungled mission (we’ll come back to this in the sequel) in the desert one day, he falls into an old trench, protected by ancient magic, and is presumed dead, only to emerge 5 years later, more charismatic than ever, but ready to live a double life -- irresponsible spare-heir by day, vigilante defender of puppies, babies, and the downtrodden by night.

By the way, if we’re ranking gross toilets, a bathroom at a Chinese restaurant is still worse than an airplane bathroom and a porta-potty at an outdoor festival.