More fat dachshund news, please

Have you heard about the virtually immobile 77-pound dachshund whose scheduled appearance on “Good Morning America” triggered a custody dispute between an animal shelter and a rescue volunteer? Whoops, check that, the dog started out at 77 pounds. Last word, the thing reportedly weighs 62 pounds after the new owner took away all the Twinkies and ham hocks apparently being inserted like slot-machine coins by an elderly couple. And frankly, “Obie” might actually be even lighter than that today, because the most recent update ran an intolerable one whole week ago, during a legal hearing “that had television crews battling over whose camera got to occupy the only spot in the courtroom,” according to one report.

But now, thankfully, with the presidential election finally out of the way, maybe the media can refocus and give Obie’s 71,000 Facebook fans — and “Good Morning America” audiences — the followup they deserve.

This porcine dog became a media sensation on account of being so fat/CREDIT: neogaf.com

Obie takes us away from fretting over hypotheticals that don’t matter, like the report a couple of days ago about how Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu contemplated putting military forces on high-alert status in hopes of baiting Iran into a war. The war didn’t actually happen, so why worry and who cares? This non-event went down in 2010. The only reason that kinda potentially sucks is, in October that same year, the U.S. temporarily lost control of 50 nuclear ICBMs at F.E. Warren AFB outside Cheyenne, Wyo. Because if your biggest ally in the Middle East decides to light the fuse, well, you kinda need to make sure your own powder’s dry. The official explanation for the shutdown was an engineering failure. Corroborating details were scant, but who cares?