Monday, December 17, 2007

Sup douchebags. It's guy ernest here. I am the best comedian since Shakespeare busted his ass with his hitler mustache and cane but I know that the bloggers (Mo Diggs especially-douchebag left me for the Avery new york comedy blog) the comedy bloggers don't talk to Uncle Guy. Well sorry to scratch my nuts at your orgy there, Hipsterberry Fin, but this hunky meathead from Ronkonkoma, Long Island, happens to know his way around,

Guy Ernest is the best comedian ever. I also like David Cross but Guy Ernest is sooo much more hip. The pussy he gets. Those sexy electroclash muscle dance mooves oh baby! Here's Guy Ernest with his top ten indie rock songs. They are the best choices and are supreme. They show and prove the bestest heart of a champion. Winning is life is a game. These are indeed the solid gold indie rock hits of ought 7.

This might be the best song since fight like a brave or REMS losing my relighion. This song is like your girlfriend buying you a lap dance from a stripper at a strip club. Except the strip club is Vietnam and you just won, rico.

09. Foo Fighter "The Pretender"

Alternative? Try granddaddy of alternative! To be honest, I thought Courtney Love would make Nirvana's legacy girly. But Dave Grole made the legacy more macho than ever. He's the Best the BEST THE BEST!!!

08. Fall Out Boy "Arms Race"

I didn't like this song until I saw that Verizon commercial with the weightlifer. It GETS ME PUMPED. This song is huger than a vein on a dolphin's penis. This song is like the theme song of comedy. The Clairol call of comedy. It is a goddam arms race. The comedy scene ain't a scene it's a goddam arms race. I love those black guys hanging out in the background. This is the kind of rock song that every race loves. An anthem for the American race.

I got a rap song in my dome.

Why you got a hate

I got jokes

I ll never stop

You're momma is fat

Oh baby! Solid gold comedy hits!

2. Dane Cook, "Forward"

OK we're almost getting towards the end of the list. Just a few more hoofs and thrusts and we'll be coolin down like a polar bear stripping on stage. Or heating up.Hot and cool like a McDLT. Talk all you want but only one comedian this year was alternative enough to be a man and show his feelings. I sing this to my girlfriend Toni every night. Reminds me of Pearl Jam but if they came from Chicago.

"I'm the only one who doesn't fit in this place."

Nothing more alternative or non mainstream than not fucking Jessica Alba when you get the chance baby.

1. Finger Eleven, "Paralyzer"

With all due respect to Cook, this has that sexy downtown dance rock feel. The vocabulary is so good. I didn't know there was such a thing as a paralyzer. This song makes me wanna work out, tell some jokes, rub my victories in some scene punks face and grab Toni's juicy apple. It reminds me of the Pethouse Pet Workout video tape I used to have in 1992. This song is sexier than the whole wide internet.

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The Story of Guy Ernest

Every strong man comes from a strong sperm. My dad Manny was born in Levitown Long Iland in 1945. He was star quarterback for Levitown Hi back in fall of 63, but Kennedy got shot then so no one gave a shit. In 67, he would do comedy at the Improv in New York. He invented the world's first Dylan imitation.

He slept around a lot, so whe never figured out who my mudder was. But I was born in 76 in Flushing, Queens. My dad would do comedy wearing one of those chest baby carriers while he was smoking cigarettes onstage telling one liners and playing the ukelaylee.

On to MEEEE!!!! I watched Andrew Dice Clay on HBO in the 80s. Clay was also on crime story. Clay is like my surrogate father. I love him like I love a courtesy flush splashing my ball sac. But my dad hated him -- and HBO. He swore Carson was the only other way to go. HBO would have him but Carson wouldn't so boom- his career in comedy was over and we moved to Ronkonkoma in 1988.

The 90s was honestly truly speaking my time to shine to grow to achieve. To LIIIIVE!!!! I was such a snatch soaker back then, oh baby. I went to all these great clubs (Tunnel, Limelight, Cro Bar). I tore up more pussy than Freddy Kruger and Edward Scissorhands at a bikini waxing place. Oh baby.

My career in comedy began in 1996 when I sang Technotronic "Get Up - Before the Night is Over" featuring Ya Kid K. I was so fucked up I couldn't read the lyrics so I just told jokes.

I've been doing open mikes in the Village since 2005 because I took a ten year break from comedy. I got my girl Toni (she's a real beatnick chick but I guess she just loves my bad boy ways) and my friend Biff Bixby, whose a bounser for the Tit E Shack. So there it is. Sexy. Funny Boom.