Afraid of an iPhone

October 20, 2013 - Paul Giannamore

We got rid of my wife’s old Plymouth that I had nicknamed Christine because it seemed to love her and hate me.

But Christine is back, in the form of a powder-blue iPhone 5C.

A few months back, just for fun, we ran Google Maps and Apple Maps together on a trip to a museum in Western Pennsylvania. My Motorola running Ms.Google adjusted for a closed bridge and detour. I think my brother’s phone is, four months later, out in Wichita telling him, “Turn around. Drive 1,023.6 miles east on I-70…” It just wouldn’t accept the closed bridge and seemed to have an existential crisis.

But my wife’s new phone’s Siri is alive. And snarky. And maybe it could turn homicidal.

The other night, my brother had used the word “schadenfreude” in a Facebook post response to my rant about people being awful when I got a truck stuck on the street.

Not being anywhere near as wise as my brother -- you’ll note they trust him to fix airplanes, not me -- I had The Boss ask her new Siri for the definition.

“Chardon Food. Food you get in Chardon, Ohio.”

The Boss tried again. Siri said, “Food from Schaden.”

I picked up Mr. Motorola Atrix, asked Google for the definition of schadenfreude and she immediately came out with, “Pleasure at someone else’s misfortune.”

The Boss attempted to ask Siri again, and before she could complete the question, Siri bellowed, “Stop. There is nothing to repeat.”

I figured maybe Siri was preoccupied. The Boss asked her phone, “Hey, are you watching Notre Dame or something?”

“I already have everything I need,” Siri replied.

I had The Boss ask Siri if she was being a smart***. Siri said, “Well, Kathy, I am still HERE for you.”