And as an added bonus, May is Masturbation Month, so, this is pretty fucking perfect timing.

First things first though, what the shit is all this, you ask? Well, it’s a blog post series in which I either stick my girl cock inside some seemingly random inanimate objects, mostly foods so far, as masturbatory aids, or, I shove something up my ass as a makeshift dildo, and then write about how that goes.

How Much Does It Cost to Fuck?

About as much a bundle of fucking bananas costs… so, I dunno, what? Depending on the time of year, weight, sale price, or the grocery store you go, a couple of bucks? Honestly, I don’t buy bananas a lot.

Like, this was actually the first time I’ve bought myself bananas in over a year and all I did was masturbate with them…

Let’s say $3.00, okay? It’ll cost you about three dollars, or whatever, to fuck yourself with a banana and/or jerk off with a banana peel.

Are you happy now!?!? THIS is what I’ve become, Internet!!!

How Much Prep Will it Take?

Okay, real talk: ripe bananas can’t take a lot of pressure… they’re pretty soft and there’s a chance that if you have one inside of you without any protection, and you orgasm, guess what? That’s right… muscle contractions + soft banana = banana smoothie.

Yeah. Gross.

So, if you want try penetrating yourself with one, which is totally cool, I just strongly recommend that you buy an unripe one and be sure to put a condom on it before it goes inside of your body. Not only will the condom protect you from potential germs (those things ain’t sterile at all), but even if some banana does leak out it’s most likely to remain in the condom, and not in your anus or vaginal canal.

Make sure you get a pretty long banana too cause you’re gonna want as much of a handle as you can get. Keep in mind that unlike actual sex toys, these things don’t come with a goddamn flared base to keep them from, uh, “disappearing”. So, you know… food for thought there.

Back to the bit about protection, for those with a penis who plan to masturbate with the banana peel, YOU should probably put a condom on YOUR banana too. Just to be clear: I’m talking about your fucking penis, okay? Put a condom on your penis. That way you’re more likely to protect yourself from any possibility of a urinary tract infection that might come from getting residual banana goo in your urethra or something.

I mean, fine, okay, I didn’t (as you’ll soon see) but that was my choice and if I DO get a urinary tract infection from this then that’s on me. That’s my awkward conversation with my GP.

Just do what I say, not what I do? Alright?

Bag your damn banana before you ‘bate with that peel.

What’s It Like to Fuck?

Awful AND incredible.

Straight up: fucking my butt with the banana did absolutely nothing for me. It was awkward, unsatisfying, and generally didn’t really feel good. It just… was not my jam, at all.

However, it did result in my partner taking this HILARIOUS picture haha.

Now THAT’S fucking comedy, folks! HAH!

2 out of 10 on the banana for anal.

It wasn’t the worst but it also wasn’t pleasurable in the least for me. It honestly just felt like I was inserting a kind of rigid, cheap, textureless plastic toy. Nooooo fucking thanks.

“But wait, Nillin! You said that it was awful AND incredible!”

You’re absolutely right, my non existent friend whose dialogue I made up for this weak joke! I did say that! So, what was this “incredible” part, you wonder?

Why I’ll tell ya! It was the banana peel. Holy fuck… that banana peel. It was so fucking good. Like, it was… I jerked off with 5 of those bananas, good. THAT’S how good.

I do recommend paying close attention to ripeness though. You want a peel that is nice and yellow, with as little green or brown coloration as possible. The best peels I masturbated with this week were green when I got them, then were in their prime about a day or two after that.

Anyway, when it’s go time prep is super simple! Just cut off both ends, make a slit down one side, take out the banana, and BOOM, you got yourself the cheapest, most environmental friendly, easy to clean up masturbation sleeve in existence.

Honestly, jerking off like this has been a fucking revelation. I’m actually mad at myself for never thinking to try it before. Oh the wasted years! You know?!?

I’ve cum so many times with these things in the last couple of days that I’m legitimately thinking about never paying for a fancy masturbation toy again.

Yes, I’m fucking serious! This is THE single best, makeshift ‘bating sleeve I’ve ever encountered and I honestly don’t know if this series will ever feature something that feels this goddamn good on my girl cock again (don’t worry though, there’s still SO many things for me to fuck, just to be sure)… and hey, maybe some of ya’ll will like it as a dildo too.