3/22/2006

The Rude Pundit Auditions To Be the Liberal Blogger at the Washington Post:Since the Washington Post saw fit to hire Redstate.org's Ben Domenech as its "authentic conservative voice" blogger, the Rude Pundit thought they might be in the market for a "liberal" voice. So the Rude Pundit is writing today to show the Washington Post that he can be their kind of liberal blogger:

You know, even though the Rude Pundit is a liberal, boy, he sure agreed with so much President George W. Bush said at his press conference yesterday. There's just oodles of common ground between the left and the White House, if only the rest of the left just wouldn't be so antagonistic to the right. But, as the liberal blogger for the Washington Post, the Rude Pundit's job is to demonstrate just how conciliatory we on the left can be, because we wouldn't want to be perceived as radical or "crazy." That would undermine our credibility.

So here's a list of everything the Rude Pundit, representing liberals everywhere, agreed with the President on:

-- "No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that." He's right; there's no question that those who oppose the U.S. in Iraq use violence. But what should we do, since withdrawal is an option only the most radical among us believe is realistic?

-- Regarding Iran, "It's important for our citizens to understand that we have got to deal with this issue diplomatically now." It's just so great for the President to say that, because some on the left just think he sees diplomacy as a speedbump on the short road to invasion. But, now that the Rude Pundit is the liberal blogger for the Washington Post, he understands that the President needs to be taken at his word or there's no way for any progress to be made.

-- "Afghanistan provided safe haven for al Qaeda." Would it be impolite to point out that this was true prior to 9/11? Even though the Rude Pundit is the liberal blogger for the Washington Post, he can freely slam Bill Clinton, because he believes that his slams at Bush will have more credibility then.

-- "I'm telling you what's on my mind." That's the kind of refreshing honesty that keeps the public so squarely behind the President. It's something that we on the left could learn from.

-- "I like the size of the pie, sometimes I didn't particularly like the slices within the pie." Oh, the Rude Pundit couldn't agree more. Especially when you get a slice of pie that's all crust. (See? As the liberal blogger at the Washington Post, the Rude Pundit drops little humor bombs to show everyone he's not so deadly Cindy Sheehan serious about everything.)

-- "Anyway, your performance at the Grid Iron was just brilliant." Yes, Helen Thomas was brilliant at the Gridiron dinner. As the liberal blogger at the Washington Post, the Rude Pundit feels compelled to demonstrate his insider status because that's what makes his opinions valid.

Well, that's about all the Rude Pundit agrees with that the President said. Boy, the press sure asked some hard ones, especially that sweet, tough nut Helen Thomas - can't stop her, for sure. No, the President didn't appear to be facing reality or living on the same planet as the rest of us, and he didn't offer anything new or admit error, but the Rude Pundit, as the liberal blogger at the Washington Post, can appreciate the pressure he's under from his own party and the polls, and, gosh, it's nice that he held a press conference. Gee, do you think Brit Hume'll invite the Rude Pundit on this Sunday?

Oh, and, by the way, Ben Domenech is a shitty, confusing writer, a crazed Christian wad of fuck who must have blown Fred Hiatt, whose hiring demonstrates that there is no mainstream conservatism anymore, a homophobic elitist who quotes the Bible, St. Augustine, and Shakespeare, but pathetically tries to make himself one of the "people" by citing his favorite Simpsons episodes or talking football, but who despises dissent, isolating his children in a homeschooled hell that'll make sure they never can communicate with the rest of humanity on a rational basis, just like dear old Dad.