Mill Park Tree

The Mill Park Tree, rest its soul, was a shining example of how something so precious, so pure can be taken from us so quickly and painfully. At 2am on the 20th of January at Mill Park in Victoria, Australia, a carload full of drunk, ugly, oxygen-wasting boganshugged a tree at 200 km/h. The result was 5 dead morons (one survivor was critically injured) and, unfortunately, 1 tree - deceased.

Whilst attending a party in Mills Park, Steven Johnstone was compelled to move his "prized" car when gatecrashers entered the party, said Natalie Bryant, the girlfriend of Johnstone. The driver, his younger half-brother Will Te-Whare, 15, and four other mates were reportedly surrounded by five or six men as they attempted to leave. Mr Johnstone then sped off in anger. Bryant said some gatecrashers ran after him while others piled into another car and drove off in pursuit.

By 2am, the apprentice roof tiler lay dead, along with Will, Mathew Lister, 17, Ben Hall, 19, and Anthony Iannetta, 18. Mr Iannetta’s sister, Elissa, 15, was the only survivor. Steven Johnstone, a local bogan and waste of space, was driving along with 5 of his mates. They were doing a speed of 200 km/h on a suburban road, and not only that, but Johnstone was 4 times over the legal blood alcohol limit, with a reading of 0.19. The 19-year-old probationary driver - whose legal limit was zero - was speeding at 140km/h when he lost control of his vehicle on Plenty Road about 2am. The car was overloaded, with 1 too many passengers, one without a seatbelt and reports of passengers hanging out the windows whilst driving. The driver lost control of the XR6, and crashed into the poor tree, killing it instantly.

The Police Commissioner had this to say:

“

If the driver of this vehicle had survived and had been convicted in court, I would suspect that there would be a very, very long jail sentence

„

—Commissioner Ken Lay, commenting on the seriousness of Tree Murder.

The consensus is that this is completely the drivers fault, and that if the occupants of the car did not want to die, they would not have gone driving with an inexperienced 19 year old who was clearly drunk. Male bravado scores again for team Darwin!

Much sadness was experienced with the passing of this beautiful and beloved tree. So much so that a Facebook Group was started in honor of the tree. But for some unknown reason, bogan friends of the five dead losers seemed to take offense to this group's existence, and proceeded to issue death threats in l33t txt sp33k form. Mill Park Tree supporters however were not intimidated. As of the 29th of July, 2,789 members have joined to pay respect to the tree, and help give voice to the leafy community who cannot speak for themselves.

In the memory of the Mill Park Tree's efforts to correct Global Warming, a campaign was started to get the tree replaced, and set the record straight with the butthurt bogans. The glorious work of this social movement can be seen in the gallery below.

Elissa Iannetta, inbred sister and fuck-buddy of Anthony Iannetta, was the only survivor of the Mill Park Tree murder. One might expect her to feel alot of sadness, remorse and a terrible need to be alone after losing her brother and 4 friends in a spilt second. But no, A Current Affair has already aired a story on Elissa. In the story she can be seen Getting behind the wheel of her dead brothers car which is now hers. Since, you know, Jockey is mangled and dead now. She also got a 6 figure sum for telling her story. Lets just hope she spends it on the right things.

Drink with friends.
Get them to drive you home.
Kill an innocent tree.
Lose a brother you most likely didn't give a fuck about.
Claim his car as yours.
Get monehz from media.

At the funeral for Anthony 'Jockey' Iannetta, many of the dead boy's friends and family expressed their sorrow for the tree killers. One man in particular took the mourning a bit too far, attempting to re-enact the incident. The 47-year-old unlicensed driver, who was six times over the legal limit, was taken into police custody after hitting another car outside the St Francis of Assisi Roman Catholic Church in Mill Park, in Melbourne's north. The motorist was barely able to walk as he was escorted across the road to a police vehicle.

This wasn't the only controversy at Jockey's funeral, however. Since bogans suffer from roid rage and neuron-depletion, they tend to confuse emotions and sorrow will often lead to violence. Quoted from The Age:

“

Mourners waiting for the hearse to depart the funeral of 18-year-old Anthony Iannetta angrily confronted members of the media and other onlookers, including local residents and people passing by.

Young men in black left the St Francis of Assisi Church, crossed a road and walked threateningly towards journalists until friends and police helped diffuse the situation.

The media was told to "fuck off" and "show some respect". Both were impossible requests. The scene was tense and violence could have erupted at any minute so natually the local police called upon their fantastic training and drove their car into the crowd to settle them down. After the funeral, many of the mourners headed to the scene of the crash, with police standing by.

Now, this is a story all about how
My car got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit you three
I'll tell you how I became a mangled body in a tree

In Box Hill born and raised
in the XR6 was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' drinkin' speedin' all cool
And all doing burnouts in a school zone
When a couple of guys
Who were up to no good
Started planting trees in my neighborhood
I got one little speeding fine and my mom got scared And said 'You're speedn' with your auntie and uncle in box hill

i sped around the roads day after day
I would consume some bourbon and be on my way
The cop gave me the fingure and then she gave me my ticket.
I put my walkman on and said, 'FCK OFF YA SHEIT'.

Turbo charged, yo this is bad
Drinking Bourbon whiskey out of a champagne glass.
Is this what the people of Box hill Living like?
Hmmmmm they always seemed to be that type.

But wait I hear they're pissy, intoxicated and all that
this is the type of place that they would house this drunk rat
I very much think so
I'll get drunk when i get there
they wish this place was as cool as Bel-Air

Well, the car landed and when I came out
There was a dude who looked badly mangled lying dead in the car
I ain't trying to get arrested yet
I just got here
I sprang with the quickness like i swiftly became deceased.

the cops called for an Amberlamps and when it came near
The license plate said XQZ713 and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say that this lamps was driven by a cyborg
But I thought 'Nah forget it' - 'to the city morgue'

I was pulled into a body bag about 7 or 8
And the grim reaper yelled to the bogan 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at knee bones
I was finally free
as they pulled my mangled body out of a tree

This is a cautionary tale. A sobering reminder that the dearest organisms on this planet, trees, which keep us breathing, sheltered and happy, can be taken at any moment by useless males driving drunk at Warp Factor 9. So in conclusion I would like to simply say, Mill Park Tree, you were more than a wooden bogan smasher, you were a friend to the human race. You were something to look up to, giving without taking, doing everything from providing all creatures oxygen, to sheltering small animals in your loving branchy embrace.