As I eat balance I look out the window as usher plays in the background, reminds me of a movie you know the kind the guy sitting at a little restaurant at the weeehh hours of night. Disconnected!! Going through the process to discover what God has in mind. Generation curses end here while new traditions are formed.

Today I surrendered my three cats,as expected it hurts. Cam, cookie and brownie. I made a decision based on my overall happiness and to accommodate the lifestyle I have. The cuteness, companionship and comfort will be completely missed. I had two of them since they were 8 weeks old. I’ll miss fhose babies. I learned a valuable lesson my overall happiness need to be a priority to me and it’s okay to be selfish. I am setting boundaries and living my best life.

Throw your heart over the wall your body will follow,words from a great friend. I have isolated myself for much my life not doing anything that challenges my personal development. I have lived in fear since I can remember, scared of the unknown, scared of putting myself out there and most of all fear of rejection. If I am gonna break this generation curse that I seen first hand with my father, then I am gonna have to get uncomfortable and face the fears!!! I know what I want but at the same time I been terrified of what it takes to obtain. I will challenge myself from this day forward to meet new people, find a good work life balance and practice self care...

If something triggers your personal well-being it must be eliminated. Lately my personal life has not been the best and social life has been non existent. I wanna start going on some casual dates grab some food, talk about a book and maybe even do something fun. I have been closed off to this idea in the past but really wanna meet more people so I can experience more of what life offers. I am a man of routine,but I am working diligently to add more things to that structure. 33 is only now I must get in and live my best life.

I was talking to friend today about the potential of working for sheriff department and landing my final stop. My friend shared if you claim it, it will become yours.... I am praying to God Not for an opportunity but for his guidance. Sometimes I can be fragile but that’s what makes me so great, because through the struggles I refuse to quit. Some days my anxiety is overwhelming over analyzing every interaction I had through out the day, there are other days I just run to deal with the frustration of felling stuck. Know matter what day it is I get up and ducking fight!!!! I fight through the demons, insecurities and past abuse. Broken into a million pieces and I still have faith I am gonna WIN...,

The thing I want the most triggers my well-being.. Sometimes I just wanna hit my knees in prayer and ask God for help and other times i just wanna cry in frustration... I just stick to myself run, workout and go to work. Everyday eems the same, but sometimes that’s just what’s best. I always wanted a relationship etc but at times it seems just not worth it at all the ups and downs of emotions. I am leaning on God to bring me the peace my heart so desires. I am challenging myself to get out of my comfort zone and not be affraid of the moment Now is the perfect time. No anxiety need I am enough as I am.

i know me and what I would do is post all my accomplishments or Possessions on Facebook seems like no big deal but it’s a huge deal. Facebook becomes a marketing campaign to sell myself of others approval I am not with that no more. I am not sharing a book, a run or a relationship because nobody is needed for me to know I am ENOUGH. I leaned on Facebook for instant gratification daily almost as if likes paid bills and comments provided love. I been working so hard to be a better me a whole me. My faith in Jesus Christ is an essential element to my overall wellness. Recently Dave Ramsey has been someone I have listened to daily and his wisdom is making me better.

Really don’t know what to say but this will be my closure. See I have not been on a date years untilme and you went to the zoo for the lights before Christmas a couple weeks ago. I never would of imagined you nothing but classy from first impressions and I really don’t wanna say you are not but what i am saying love yourself. The story goes like this i came over cooked you dinner and we talked about work life, entertainment etc. I keep my phone in my pocket and gave you all my attention, trying to talk less and listen more. As I walked out the door I thought about hugging you or maybe even a kiss but I told my self no be gentleman great things come to those who are patient. You asked to hang out the next day all you had in mind was one thing, as I dropped you off I kissed you but that was it because I wanted to learn about you not just sleep with you. You said you don’t wanna be in a relationship just wanna hang out and maybe we can get together in a few days I never responded to that text cause I am not that guy. I love myself now more then ever maybe years ago or even a year ago it would been yes but I am not that I am so much better and deserve so much more. Sex is a great thing but I am so much more then that and deserve more then that. God has brought me so far and never left my side I am sticking with his plan and not mine. I see why you tolerated that guy living off you because you only thought you were worth what the eye could see.

Sometimes I wonder what’s next, like really what’s the next move and those times usually come when I am trying to create perfection. Fairytales don’t exist! I realized I am always alone because I make that choice, believe me there are times I want love and everything that’s comes with it but in those times I tell myself NO. The pros never out way the cons and the anxiety and stress always out way the happiness for me at least. Inner peace at all times is the goal.

This whole disappointment thing only comes from expectations of perfection or having a distorted perception . Perfect well that can leave now, because I hate perfect every time I think of perfection my confidence shrinks and my anxiety amplifies. Sometimes I don’t even realize how far perfection takes me from authenticity. I am continuing to discover myself more and more daily. Recent it’s been I am goofy I can be absolute clown sometimes like literally a little kid running down stairs on Christmas morning. Being you is being cool and if ever in limbo about who you are, remember that you are the person that says “goodnight mom and dad I love you”.