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5/366 – The burden of regrets.

Now when I think back, I have so many regrets in life. But before, I would convince myself that I had no regrets. Every experience, good or bad, was something that would go on to mold my life in some small way or the other. I’d tell myself that if I hadn’t made that particular mistake, I might have never learned from it; and if I hadn’t learned from it, life might have taken a different course. Every action is a reaction to a previous action, and at a subconscious level this is us acting based upon our past experiences.

But with time, it gets harder. Convincing yourself that life wouldn’t have been better had you taken the blue pill rather than the red is a mentally sapping, incessant and futile task. So then why do we do it? I do it, because deep down, within the pits of my soul, I have regrets that I cannot get myself to forgive. Life could have and would have been different. With no surety can I say better, hence different. But then why do I regret it if it’s outcome has no surety? It took me a bit of deliberation to come up with an answer I was content with, but the answer in itself is dismaying. We (read I), regret the past only when we regret the present. I’m not as happy as I would like to be and so I carry the burden of regrets.

Now I cannot regret having these regrets, and so I fight on, continuing to live out each day in the hope that the red pill gives me a quicker death.