Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..

“How are you? Seems like ages since we’ve heard from you, and I’m starting to get concerned. I mean, even though you’re basically right next door, it’s as if we’re complete strangers. And we had such high hopes for a special friendship. After all, you’ve got such potential: You’re as cute as can be with those to-die-for panoramic views (and such affordable housing). You have your very own superslick Link light rail station and are just so friggin’ close to downtown! It seems a no-brainer that’d we’d be besties. But we’re not and I can’t for the life of me figure out why.”

Although it’s ascribed to “SEATTLE MAGAZINE STAFF,” the person who runs the show is Rachel Hart. Since she’s the editorial director of Tiger Oak Publications, she approves message for its magazines.

This editorial oddity about one of the most diverse neighborhoods in the United States isn’t smart or savvy, nor is it essential. You’d expect better of a publication that now employs John Levesque but, then, the purpose of Seattle magazine isn’t journalism.

There’s not a lot of there, there.

Most major metropolitan areas – and wealthy communities like Palm Springs – have high-end, feel-good, coffee-table periodicals targeted at an audience of college-educated, upper-and-above middle-class women with expendable income. Is that a sexist comment?

“Average Age 51 Own their own home 92% Average Household Income $244,000 Have been to college 94% Hold graduate degrees 30% Average Net Worth $1.85 million Sex 75% Female 25% Male Average Home Value $750,000 Travelled to Hawaii in the last year 30% Travelled to Mexico in the last year 42% Drank wine in the last 30 days 81%”

Among the more repetitive words in Seattle magazine are best, top, and comfort. Sometimes it’s “11 Best” or even “48 Best.”

Doesn’t “best” imply singularity?

Not to sell ads.

There’s already the top doctors issue, the best neighborhoods issue, the best dressed issue, the best sandwiches issue, and the top of the best of the decade issue.

That’s a lot of best.

What’s left? How can Seattle magazine push the envelope of bestness when it’s covered in so much best?

To help Seattle magazine regain its best focus, I humbly submit a list of ten “besties” to embrace its readership and capture revenue from teeth whitening and plastic surgery clinics.

1. Seattle’s Ten Best White People

This may be controversial, but it’s as good as any place to begin, especially since Seattle magazine is aimed at rich white people. Subsequent “best ethnicity” issues could feature Seattle’s Ten Best Black People, or Ten Best Latino People, Ten Best Asian People, and Ten Best Native Americans. Still, with all the bests, maybe Seattle magazine could do a wrap with “Seattle’s Ten Best Minorities.”

Come on, it’s not all those smeggy muckers pushing crack and meth. Blow is back in Seattle, and the best place to buy it is at a music venue or a bar. The short list would have to include music promoters and club owners: think “Seattle Nightlife Initiative.”

4. Comfort Food: Seattle’s Best Tripe

A gutsy go-getter with gusto. Not only could Seattle magazine’s taste testers settle down to steaming bowls of pho and menudo, they could subset into best chitlin’s and natural casings. Maybe the Entertaining Editor (yes, there is a resident “entertaining editor”) could give a first-hand demo of how to squeeze your own.

5. Top Pimpin’

The magazine Stylist (yes, there is a resident “stylist”) could challenge us to go beyond the mundane players who strut their stuff at Westlake Mall. Think perky, pert, and impertinent. Who else but the publishers and editors of The Weekly and The Stranger? Since both tabloids promote hook ups, Seattle magazine could offer a wink and a nod where credit is due.

6. Best Secret Camp Outs

For that urban natural renewal, Seattle magazine staff could hold a slumber party at The Slab, The Caves, Sunny’s Place, Wino Hill, or Oddball Lookout, and share some local beverages and folksy humor.

7. Seattle’s Most Romantic Getaways

Where to go for that sine qua non tête-à-tête, eh, eh? The Lifestyle Editor (yes, there really is a “lifestyle editor”) might promote Lady Marmalade’s Moonlight Tour of Cowen Park, Volunteer Park, Green Lake, and Magnolia Bluff, followed by the wow lowdown of the fabled Pacific Highway.

8. Comfort Food: Top Mini-Mart Snax

Want a quickie between the tanning salon and the symphony? Why, gizzards, burritos, and a big wiener. A regular guide to Seattle’s irregular finger food would bring a touch of tang to this overlooked hearty chow.

This is a lot like “The Top Ten (fill in a weapon system)” show on The Military Channel. Our editors can jam whatever flotsam and jetsam from the last ad campaign into an issue ranging from art administration to zombie zoophilia.

I have nothing to gain from these suggestions – the honor of promoting literary excellence is reward enough. None of my suggestions apply to Beacon Hill, as Seattle magazine will be first to admit. Since I have never published in Seattle magazine, or sister journals at Tiger Oak Publications like Seattle Bride and Oregon Bride, none dare accuse me of self promotion. Nay, let us pay homage where homage is due.

To end with the best prose – I’m sure SEATTLE MAGAZINE STAFF will agree – a quote of its own:

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..