When Friends Fail You

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A fresh wave of anguish flooded over Emily as she recalled the shocking conversation between her and Lindsay. They had been best friends — sisters of the heart — for the past 15 years, and now the relationship was destroyed. Lindsay had no desire to reconcile. Emily needed to deal with the intense pain and come to terms with the broken relationship.

The loss of a dear friend is one of the most painful experiences in life.

Whatever the reason, friendships come and go. As people enter different stages of life, they may find they don’t have as much in common as they used to. Or one of the friends may have moved away. Or there might be unresolved conflict — this is the most painful of all.

So when you’ve lost a friend, how do you deal with it?

1. Grieve the loss

This may take weeks, months, even years. A lot depends on how the friendship ends.

Admit the relationship has ended. Acceptance is the all-important positive side to rebuilding. You don’t have to take on a load of guilt in order to accept that the relationship is over. Stay out of the “if only” game.

Experience the hurt. The way past the pain is to go all the way through it. What you are feeling is real. It hurts. Allow yourself to feel the pain, and use it as motivation to grow and make the crisis into an opportunity. You can use suffering as an excuse to remain bitter, angry, and unhappy. Or you can allow the experience to help you grow.

2. Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms

As you go through this painful process, try to avoid these unhealthy ways of coping.

Withdrawing from others. Being alone can provide time for introspection, reflection, growth and development of the inner self. But when you avoid people altogether, that’s not healthy. It may be that you’re running from your fears of rejection, commitment, and broken trust.

Becoming a busy-aholic. Distracting yourself with tasks may feel like a good idea at the time, but it can delay the healing process. By avoiding your pain, you’re not really dealing with it, you’re merely postponing it.

Surrounding yourself with people. Spending time by yourself is vital to healing, but when you’re constantly with people, they can become your strength; you'll also need to learn to stand on your own. Striking a balance between spending time with others and being alone is so important as you work through the pain.

3. Let go

In letting go, we grow. Sometimes this may even require releasing the friendship entirely.

Forgive. Forgiveness is an act of the will. It’s releasing feelings of bitterness, resentment, or vengeance toward another person. Trust, however, needs to be earned. This is particularly important in dysfunctional relationships. If you are seeking inner freedom, forgiveness is not an option — you simply have to do it. Forgiveness involves realizing how much God offers to forgive you. It enables you to forgive and see others’ failures through the eyes of mercy. Good friends are good forgivers.

Deal with your emotions. Acknowledge feelings of love, anger, bitterness, or vindictiveness. Invest in your own personal growth rather than investing in the dead relationship.

4. Risk loving again

Intimacy is risky, no doubt about it. Reaching out may result in rejection. So why not play it safe? The cost is too high — there are friends in your future who will be worth the risk. You may never find them if you don’t try again.

Make yourself vulnerable. It is easy to fear rejection. If someone wants to share, but seems hesitant, lead the way by opening up first. It is a precious gift to your friends when they personally discover that you cherish confidentiality and hold their secrets close to your heart. Being vulnerable allows you to bond with each other.

Realize that the risk is worthwhile. As you reflect on your friends in your life, realize some were in your life for only a season. Each of your friends has made an impact on who you’ve become. Realize you may never know why some relationships end. So reflect on the positive blessings and the influence a friendship has made on your life during the happy times. If the friendship was filled with betrayal and pain, reflect on the growth that took place in your own life as you learned to deal with this.

A broken relationship leaves you with a choice — to become bitter or better. Bitterness will only destroy you; it won’t touch the person you’re angry with. So which one will you choose?

Take Action!

1Talk to a Coach

Sometimes, it really helps to just get it all out. We have coaches available 24/7 who would love to journey alongside you and pray for you as you go through this difficult time. Just fill out this form to get started. Coaching is a free and confidential service.