weird

Sometimes when walking alone at night you may find yourself haunted by this persistent apparition, which will trudge alongside you sighing loudly, openly tutting, rolling its eyes and shaking its head sadly/angrily.

When it all gets to be too much, and you finally snap and ask “What’s wrong with you?” or “Are you all right?” the creature will only ever answer “I’m fine.”

Every time somebody misspells “Cthulhu” on the internet, they get closer to completing the incantation which will call that monstrous entity’s slightly less impressive, differently-spelled cousin to this Earthly realm.

Cuthuthluth is damp, five foot two, and smells of seaweed and desperation. Unlike his Great and Old cosmic cousin, he is not covered in tentacles. That’s not what those are.

Occasionally you will wake up and find that a Huge Hairy Hassle has broken into your home and sat himself down somewhere, perhaps the living room, possibly the kitchen. He’ll sit there, emitting low-pitched rumbly groaning noises and taking up valuable space.

You can get rid of a Huge Hairy Hassle, but it’s a bit of a pain. You have to obtain various ingredients, combine them in the right kind of pot, recite a particular spell at precisely the right time of night, when the moon’s position in the sky is just so etc etc. You know, it’s doable, but it’s a lot of bother, frankly.

By the time they die, most people will have accumulated three or four Huge Hairy Hassles lolling about their house, emitting low-pitched rumbly groaning noises and taking up valuable space, that they’ve just kind of got used to.

The myth of The Slender Man is very well known. He is a long man with the uncanny ability to appear unrealistic in old photoshops. And now, terrifyingly, reports are now trickling in of this, The Very Slender Man, who is, apparently a bit slenderer, and even less realistic.

I am yet to be convinced of the veracity of these sightings. I think he’s on stilts, and I’m pretty sure those are just long, empty sleeves with gloves stitched stitched to the end of them.

Fair enough, his face does appear to be a massive hole filled with teeth but a commited hoaxer could have carved that hole into his own head using a spoon or something. Yeah, I’m not buying it.