Monday, September 27, 2004

So yeah, people are like "so when are you goanna update?" So I will. So had band auditions today. I mean it was no big deal at all. I was hoping to do better then I did. Third chair, out of I think 4. So yeah. Then I have jazz band tonight, and that's alright I guess... It makes me wish I was a better sax player, because I like playing the sax. I mean I would absolutely love to be able to solo and improve. and be good at it like many of the people in the jazz band. I am just not good enough, I know it and I have no way of becoming better.I love playing the clarinet, and I know that I'm not even anywhere near being close to being good at all. But I have fun being as bad as I am. I mean I would love to be better, but I have no way of becoming better.I think the only thing I love more than playing the clarinet is playing percussion. OMG! I could make a living playing mallets. But I don't see any way of me continuing it, I'm out of high school, and that's out of the picture. Not being able to do something you love is heart breaking. So yeah I want to play percussion. I think I'm better at it than clarinet to be honest. I love both, but I love percussion more. So that's my sad musical story. I was thinking that I could maybe instead of just playing music in college, I could heh maybe learn something, take a real music class and minor in it or something. But it's days like today that change my mind about things like. It was a dandelion dream....
(A dandelion is a very precious thing. It is so perfect in its own way, in its little bubble of security. But then one puff air and the dandelion is destroyed.)
Then on Saturday, I realized I really miss my friends. Like I really miss them. Went out with a few band members, and realized how much I don't really fit in with them for one reason or another. Then Mickalyn called me again today and we talked for like an hour. God I miss her so much. You guys don't realize how much time we spent together. I don't know. Like in my life I have this feeling like something is just quite right. Like leaving the house and the stove is on. It's just not right. That's how I feel all the time now. It's a new type of depression. I have never felt so alone. The friends I thought I had here are gone from my life now, which I guess isn't really a bad thing, it is just going to take time for me to get used to. but there are just people I'm not doing well without seeing. The really cool thing is I'm back in contact with a few friends who went to Logan, and I haven't seen them in like 4 years. Its different, cause I am now used to not seeing them, which is sad, but I am just so glad to be back talking with them. But back to my story, yeah I know a lot of people, but I can't just call them to tall them random things I do with other people. I'm making cake with no flavoring. Its just not the same and yet is. OK I'm goanna stop yapping about me ttfn.

And I feel like I am being led to this school, so keep this and me in mind. My heart is right with it. So I am going to change most of my focuses from UCSD to here http://www.uhm.hawaii.edu/. And this the reason for my decision. Not only to they offer degrees in Animal psychology....but also...http://www.hawaii.edu/zoology/