Topic: can love overcome all these cultural differences - Posted: 29 December 2013 at 11:09am

salam alaykum and hello to everyone,

I hope this is the right forum to post my worries.

Well, first of all I’d like to say some words about me.my name is Linnéa, I’m a 26 year old girl from Sweden. I still go to university and was raised in a Protestant family.

About a year ago, I met him…on facebook (what a cliché…) He mistook me for someone else and sent me a message.He actually wanted to send it to another one with the same name like me.

Nevertheless, we started talking.first on facebook.later on skype.his name is Mohamed, he’s 28 years old, a doctor and from Egypt.He lives in Cairo and is a practicing Muslim.We spent countless evenings talking for hours about whatever came to our minds.We noticed that we have the same opinions about many things, the same sense of humour and it never got boring.not even for a minute.after two months I agreed to send him one photo of me, I actually don’t have any photos of me on the internet.during all these months our conversations never got too intimate (if you know what I mean), never inappropriate.

by time I noticed how much I missed him when he was having long shifts in the hospital.but I was too shy to tell him this.then, in March this year two friends and me decided to go on a trip to Egypt with a Swedish travel group.Cairo and a cruise on the nile.I was always interested in Egyptian history.

When he heard about it, he was really happy.We spent five days in Cairo with the travel group and I met him every day.Not alone.my friends were always there and he also brought his cousin with him.The last day he introduced me to his family.I even wore hijab and his family really liked me (I was so happy). We got along with each other so well but there was no intimate contact.nothing but a handshake.

he told me that he loves me.that he feels like I’m his soulmate.I told him that I feel the same for him.since our meeting we continued talking to each other almost every evening and we still do.
his military service will end in five months.he was always planning to work as a doctor in England for some years.He’s talking about a future together, about marriage, about children.

He’s the most awesome man I’ve ever met in my whole life.Every day I thank God for sending him into my life.I truly love him and he deserves nothing but the best.but that’s the “problem”…
I’m afraid that I’m not good enough for him…maybe good enough isn’t the right expression.I’m afraid he might not be as happy as he deserves to be with me.Islam is his number one in life.I’m not Muslim…actually I know much about Islam…but I’m not a Muslim and I don’t know if I ever become one.

I don’t want him to look back in some years and regret to have chosen me…to regret that he didn’t chose a woman from his culture/religion.i’m not sure if I can understand and fulfill all the “expectations” he has about his wife. and the children – if we have some (hopefully).he told me they would be Muslims.would I - as their mother - be able to raise them accordingly?
and he told me that after some years abroad, he definitely wants to return to Egypt.Living in Egypt…could I live there?what do I know about life there?not much…and the language.i do speak some Arabic (I did a course some years ago)…but could I live there for the rest of my life?

there are just so many questions about our future in my mind.I’m asking myself if love – and it’s true love – is strong enough to overcome such differences…and as I said, what I really wish for is to see him happy

I thank everyone who took her/his time to read this text.
And I’d really appreciate to hear your opinion/thoughts/advice about it.
Many Thanks

You raise some very thoughtful concerns, that are important for both his future happiness, as well as your own. I am always concerned about men from third world countries seeking females in the west as often their main concern is to establish residency and citizenship, than divorce these women using the first convenient pretext. With that in mind proceed with great caution, and better to continue with your education and see if he is able to secure a London job after finishing his education and military service. Please also don't confuse infatuation and sexual tension as "love". And by the way, according to his religion he has courted you improperly. All the best to you as you sound like a wonderful and thoughtful young woman.

You're right - unfortunately, there are countless stories where men from poorer countries marry women from richer countries just because of citizenship. I'm and I'll remain cautious but fortunately I've no reason to think like that so far.

"And by the way, according to his religion he has courted you improperly."
Would you mind explaining to me why it was improperly?I'd really appreciate it.

Linnea,
welcome to the forum. All I can say is to take your precautions and be certain when you do make a decision. For a practicing Muslim, like myself, yes my belief is very important. Also in life of people around, you might see it is not necessarily the same culture or religion that makes a marriage successful, rather the personality. And even that is not so easy to figure our even when people know each other before marriage like here in the West. So, it is a chance we all take either way. Of course like I said, you take your precautions, but don't be too hard on yourself.
I myself married a Christian girl 18 years ago, and we live happy. In fact my wife is happier than many of her friends who married in their own people. And same way I am happier than some of guys I know who married in their own people as well.
Islam is beautiful and if you have truth as a standard, you will find it as the truth. My wife had my guarantee that I will not force her to change her belief, only that she will give me opportunity to explain it to her. She come from Catholic and Evangelist background. It was our seventh year in marriage that she took Shahada, became Muslim on one question from our daughter who was six at that time. The question our six year posed her after she admitted that she believes Jesus to be a prophet, a man, not God was: "if you believe Jesus to be God's prophet and not God, why then you don't become a Muslim?
The only difficult part was that my wife who never surrendered to organized religion, even to Catholicism or Evangelism did go through a slow transition and took her time.
As far as children, we discussed that issue before committing to marriage. It was my belief that God will ask me on the day of judgment what did I teach my children and what belief did they learn from me? So, I asked my wife and she agreed to the children be raised as Muslims.
The great thing about her was her standing by her commitments. Even before she became Muslim, she was helping teach our daughters about Islam through books and going to the mosque. I think of that and I say, it must be her love, and sometimes love does take precedence.
You seem very mature, I would encourage you to read Quran and understand culture differences, sometimes little things without intentions can cause bigger problems. Marriage is beautiful, it requires commitment and in reality requires sacrifice and effort to keep it healthy. Not two people are alike, that will be great though, so we must be flexible, but that is in no way means to be unfair.
Good luck, I wish to write more but I do not know if any of this is helpful?
Hasan

Edited by honeto - 29 December 2013 at 3:42pm

39:64 Proclaim: Is it some one other than God that you order me to worship, O you ignorant ones?"

Thank you so much for your reply!
Reading your story helped me quite a lot because it showed me that it can work.
And I'm really happy for you and your wife - I hope you'll always be happy together.

I've started learning about Islam long before I met him. And he encourages me to learn more about Islam and told me that he hopes that I'll become a Muslim one day. I really like what I've read about Islam so far but converting is a big decision. I would never convert to Islam just because of him. I'd only do it if I was convinced that it's the truth and so far I have to learn much more about it to make such a decision. I remember when we were talking about children, he told me that our children have to be Muslims and I accepted it.

So far we get along together extremely well and we really love each other. We planned to marry next year but recently it seems that we both worry about our future together. I feel that he became somehow insecure. That's why I started this topic. Today he told me that he doesn't want me to regret it one day. That he's different than the Europeans. That he doesn't want to experience the day when I say that I can't stand it anymore. I told him that I love him for who he is. I love that he's religious. That he has values. I love him for his great personality. I wouldn't change him.

But all his worries made me worry if I can make him happy. Although I'm not the "typical" European girl (if you can say it like that). No ex-boyfriends, no parties, no male friends...but I'm also not like a woman from his culture. Can he be happy with me? I feel like he would be happier with a woman from his culture...

I truly love him and want him to be happy...and I'm afraid of losing him

If u love Allah then u no need to plz anyone, that's the beauty of islam that if u lead ur life according to will of Allah u automatically plz others if they r humans, eg Allah says don't spy or backbite others in ch 49 v 11-12, if u follow this u not only plz Allah but u indirectl plz others, similarly if u read Quran everyday in Sha Allah u will b removed from fear of plzing others, Allah says in ch 29 v 49 if u strive in way of Allah Allah will open ur pathways, in ch 3 v 160 if Allah is with u none can overcome u but if Allah forsakes u there is who who can help u,and if Allah forbids u lose him thenrremember this verse-u may like a thing which is bad for u u may hate a thing which is good for u but Allah only knows what is good for u (ch 2 v 216).in the end whatever happens it will b according to will of Allah.

from all what you said i can give u some advices which can help u to remove all doubts which surroundings You just follow them ok:

1/try to understand and studie all of islam, i mean duties, laws, life with it.

2/try to know how is woman laws in islam, duties, life.

3/try to know more and more about muslim's life in egypt for example, will u adapt in ur new life?

4/how will be ur parent reaction, will they accept ur decesions respect them concerning ur new life with ur futur muslim husband? what about islam religion will if u decide to convert to islam how can u explain or convincing ur parent about that subject?

so linnea i thing before any feet which u want to do u should take ur new futur life seriously

finaly i wish u the best and i hope that U make a dept research about islam in order to get good argument in order to make face from all what u will have.

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