Friday, October 21, 2011

FUNNY NEW "FAN PAGE" FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, 10/21/11:

These are some of my FAN PAGE favorites from yesterday, October 20th. Please note the sheer volume of brilliant status updates my readers posted...IN A 24-HOUR-PERIOD. I picked these from the (roughly) 400-500 Facebook Status updates posted yesterday. Thanks, everybody! I suppose I can sleep when I'm dead!

____ Like this status. (Nobo Dy)
____ My wife has been on a kick lately where she is reading a lot of Romance novels. She just told me that she wished I was more like the leading man in the book she is reading now. So...does anybody know where I can get a noble steed and an unrealistic amount of stamina? (Donny Norris)
____ Hey Mom & Dad, thanks for the smarts, but you could’ve cooled it on the emotional trainwreck stuff. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they're not worth it? (Jared Bertin Barillas)
____ No way I believe that your dinner was as fantastic or delicious as you say it was! Oh, you posted a photo of it on FB? Ok.. I believe you now. (Jenni More)
____ The only thing worse than seeing a pic of Gadhafi’s bloody corpse is seeing a pic of Lindsey Lohan’s meth teeth. (William Hale)
____ When others tell me of their struggles, I've got to stop responding with, "but you really seemed to have your sh!t together on Facebook." (Carrie Danley)
____ I just saw a Liquor.com ad. It started with "enjoy a good drink?" HOW DID THEY KNOW?! (Lisa James)
____ Sometimes I let my "Demons" play the "I got your nose game", but instead of my nose, it's really my soul...and sometimes it is my nose...but mostly, just my soul. (Tom Guntorius)
____ is participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people with attention deficit disorder. (Carl Self)
____ is so tired of these rock bands all sounding the same. They should just rename themselves "Puddle of NickelCreed." (Chris Hallman)
____ "Send in the clowns." - last resort in a bizarre and horrifying war (Jack Olivar)
____ If you are easily offended by dirty jokes and vulgar language directed toward females..then YOU are the one we are joking about. (Rae Broman)
____ Coffee helps me do the stupid stuff people make me do all day, and beer helps me forget the stupid stuff people made me do all day. (See More)
____ Whenever I Google a girl I know, I always put the word "naked" after their name. It's always important to get that out of the way first. (Arthur Mabry)
____ According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I think it's only fair to let some people know that the whooshing noise they hear every now and then is blatantly obvious sarcasm going over their head. Otherwise, they may never learn, and that's a waste of good blatantly obvious sarcasm. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My neighbors listen to the best f***ing music. Whether they like it or not. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Saddam Hussein ☑ - Osama Bin Laden ☑ - Gaddafi ☑ - Bieber ☐ - Snookie ☐ (Harley Quinn)
____ I use environmentally-friendly toilet cleaner. It doesn't kill 99% of household germs, but it does get very disappointed with them. (Mya Sisnice)
____ After pointing out my facebook friends' annoying posting habits, 10 people unfriended me. Too bad it wasn't the really annoying ones. (Laura Marie Schreiner)
____ "When you put a Sea-shell up to your ear, you can hear the ocean." Hey, dumb-ass, why don't you drop the shell that you just picked up off the beach and turn around? *tada* There's the ocean. Shhh...now listen. (Mustache Mann)
____ I don't delete my failed statuses...I drown them in a tub of bleach while screaming and sobbing hysterically. (I know. Yikes! Right?) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ The worst part about dating is pretending I like to do other things beside sex, drinking and video games. (Nobo Dy)
____ It warms my heart when the end pieces in a loaf of bread finally get together. (Donny Norris)
____ Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row. (Chris Hallman)
____ Now I'm not saying my ex was crazy, but she was best photographed with a bipolaroid. (Jack Olivar)
____ My Facebook friends are awesome...I’m glad I don’t have a life. (Adam Apple)
____ My favorite thing about fall is I'm usually drunk when I do it. (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ doesn't have poor listening skills. You have poor "knowing when to talk" skills. (Nobo Dy)
____ Yes, I'm older then 6. Yes, I still get excited if something glows in the dark. (Gerti Kola)
____ What’s the opposite of substance? I’m a woman of that. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ One can learn something new from anything. Having read this, for example, you have now learned that you shouldn't have bothered. You're welcome. (Danny Coleiro)
____ That lonely moment when the only text message you get all day is from your cell phone company. (William Hale)
____ This fist shake goes out to everyone who has, is currently, or will eventually piss me off today. (Lisa James)
____ bets there’s a kid in Somalia that’s like, "I'm so hungry!" and another kid is like, "HA! Third world problems, bro!" They both laugh and laugh and then die. (William Hale)
____ French dogs eat "puppy ciao."(someone please take my life, what have I become?) (Nobo Dy)
____ has been saving those little cards that fall out of my subscription magazines. Guess what the trick-or-treaters are getting! (Mustache Mann)
____ My jokes are like children to me. Most of them came out of my vagina. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Yeah, I spell things wrong and you correct them in your mind...Mind Control, Bitches! (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ For Halloween, I'm goin' as a reverse cowgirl. ;) (Toni Daniels)
____ My skeletons just packed up and walked out on me. Time to clean the closet out I guess. (Nobo Dy)
____ It's never too late to start on a path that you will later regret. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ People are not broke because of alcohol. They're broke because of the prices of alcohol. (Greta Ernesaks)
____ When a girl says "whatever", what she really means is "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it." (Jeremy Kessel)
____ Everything is funnier when you use exclamation points!!! Excessively!!!!!! (Juliet Abram)
____ Seeing as how the candy isn't making it all the way to Halloween this year, you people better start coming up with some good statuses for me to give out. (Jack Olivar)
____ Men would have it so easy if they would practice using three little words; "Yes, My Queen". (Carrie Danley)
____ Hell hath no fury like a PopTart that hasn't had time to properly cool. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin) S.ureH.appyI.t'sT.hursday ... Good Morning y'all (Kevin Harris)
____ If I had access to time travel, I'd use it to go back and cash in on some of those naps I was always refusing as a kid. (Carl Self)
____ Reality TV has forced me to deal with reality because I hate those shows. (Catherine Heyart Tietschert)
____ Highways need 4 lanes per side- A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane. (Carrie Danley)
____ Your manners slowly disappear the more you have to repeat something. Example: Can you pass the salt?...The salt, can you pass it?...No?...The SALT. GIVE ME THE F**KIN' SALT!!!(Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ I don't do a lot of good deeds, but when I walk past a well, I always stop and make sure there's not a kid stuck down there (See More)
____ Dreamed this morning that I found my soul mate and that we spent the rest of our life's together! Thank the lord it was just a dream cause it was the most boring dream ever. (Dewald Jordaan)
____ I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing. (Mike Foster)
____ Started doing large amounts of meth today. I'm gonna have the most realistic zombie costume come Halloween. (Tom Guntorius)
____ People with a sh*t ton of bumper stickers all over their car are the "crazy cat ladies" of the road. (Jenni More)
____ Look if you just made a video and sent it to me, I wouldn't have to stand outside your house and watch you do it live every 2-3 hours, and sometimes 2 in one hour, but never on Wednesday for some reason. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If you wink constantly while committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy. (See More)
____ Don't ask me dumb questions and except smart answers, all you'll get is incorrect awesomeness. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ They say its not good to hold on to hostility, anger and sarcasm because its not good for you. I disagree. Its great status fuel. (Lisa James)
____ You gotta FIGHT! For your RIGHT! To PAAAAAARRRT SEA! ~ Beastie Moses (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Every time someone doesn't like my post I rip the wings off a fly. (Lisa James)
____ I hate it when I start to pick my nose and realize I'm doing it wrong because I'm not on the highway where everyone can enjoy it. (Lisa James)
____ You delete me because I cuss in my status updates? Yeah well yours weren't very f***ing funny anyway! (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ If only there were a social network where I could discuss the pain of frying bacon while naked. (Harley Quinn)
____ The best thing about today's meeting was skipping it and going to the strip club. (Nobo Dy)
____ I’ll never forget where I was the first time I heard my ex was hit by a car… (at the car wash destroying evidence) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you're counting punches. (Mike Foster)
____ doesn't know why women think that the silent treatment is a punishment to their man; it's a gift. If you really wanna piss them off, keep talking... (Carrie Danley)
____ Do you know that self-loathing feeling you get, when you wake up after a drunken night, and you're so embarrassed about what you did that you don't want to talk to or see anyone? I wish I had that! :( (Mustache Mann)
____ I think the part of the whole "sexting" craze that gives me the greatest sense of outrage is the part where I'm not involved in it at all. (Pete Hearty)
____ I don't know guys, that Gadhafi picture just looks like Gene Simmons after a Kiss concert, I'm going to need more proof. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ calls bullsh*t on my boss giving me her cell phone number for "emergencies" and then getting pissed when I drunk dialed her to chat at 2am this morning. I clearly had no one else to call. Sheesh. (Rae Broman)
____ I'm saving myself for marriage. Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage... (Chris Hallman)
____ The more children a woman has, the less things will embarrass her, gross her out, and make her blush. (Laura Marie Schreiner)
____ Am I the only one that gets uncomfortable when someone else has a booger? Like it's not me that has the booger, why am I nervous about it? (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ would be more inclined to tune into "Cupcake Wars" if it were a show about people who beat each other to death using only pastries. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. (Chris Hallman)
____ has problems with asthma. Like what the hell is the 'th' in there for? (Danny Coleiro)
____ Deja boo - the feeling that you've been afraid of this before. (Greta Ernesaks)
____ People treat you differently when you’re holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ has a friend who claims she takes leftover wine and makes ice cubes. How is that possible?? I mean who has leftover wine? (Christy Hayek)
____ went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. (Kindra Smilez-KDilla Arrington)
____ I'll have what the guy laying on the floor is having. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad (See More)
____ All my life, I've been afraid of "investing". Now that I'm getting older, I decided to give it a try. It's not as hard as I thought! Today alone, I invested 6 hrs. on facebook. The return should be awesome! (Mustache Mann)
____ All of the landmarks and beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house. (Samantha Furst)
____ Smart phones would be smarter if they could identify the intoxication level of the user. (Tim Beavin)