Should you reprimand someone else's child?

Hi...I always get good advice here so I'm hoping you guys can help me with this problem ...what is the appropriate response to another child who is being mean to your child in front of you and the other child's mother either does nothing or doesn't see it happen? My gut response is and was to say something to the mean child but a friend told me you should never reprimand another persons child in front of them. I get that but i dont need anyones permission to protect my kid. I don't know. My daughter is the sweetest little thing and the girls in her preschool class are so bratty I can't stand it. Today they were all running around after school and one pushed my daughter. The mother was yapping away and I didn't really care to see if she saw or not, I just went up to the kid and told her not to put her hands on my daughter. I know I said it meanly but I'm so tired of these bratty kids. And I think at age 4 I am there to stand up and protect her. She doesn't understand someone being mean, she's told me, so she doesn't know how to defend herself. So whats the appropriate thing to do? I'm sure it will happen again. Thanks for your thoughts!

Comments (9)

I agree with you that it is our responsibility as parents to look out for and protect our children, no matter what. Especially at this age, when they are still learning how to be a good friend, and how to choose their friends. My personal opinion is that if you see your child being mistreated by another child, you should wait to see if your child jumps in on her own and asks for the toy that was grabbed back, for example. However, in the situation you described above where your daughter was pushed by a classmate, I would have jumped in for her and spoken to the girl who pushed her. Regardless of if her parent was there and just didn't see, or chose not to say anything to her daughter.

Having said that, I think the way you speak to the child (your tone of voice especially) is key. You might be feeling quite angry, it definitely stinks to watch your child get picked on, bullied, etc by other children. However, you are only the parent of YOUR child, and it is not your job to reprimand another parent's child, but when looking out for the safety of your daughter (getting pushed can be dangerous) you could step in and calmly and kindly explain to the little girl that it is not okay to push, pushing people hurts, and would she please tell your daughter that she is sorry.

When my daughter was 3 she went through a rather long phase of getting rough with her playmates, both at preschool and at houses. I would certainly do my darnest to stay on top of her during those playdates, and if we were at a public play are (like a park), but I can't have eyes on her 24/7, and if a fellow mommy picked up on something my daughter did that she didn't approve of (hitting, grabbing toys, throwing sand) I would hope that she would step in and tell her that what she was doing was wrong because "abc", could she please apologize, and next time do "xyz" instead of "abc".

My 4 yr old son is very sweet but big for his age.
Just last weekend, my son was playing with his car at the park. Suddenly I look over and this smaller kid is trying to take it out of my sons hands. I am watching and this kid goes in and bites my son. I of course react loudly and say " you do not bite" in a booming voice. And then ask where is your mother. My son was sobbing during this. The mother came over and I said your son bit my son and needs to say sorry. The mom urged him to.
Kids bite as a defensive mechanism but they need to know it is not acceptable. A gentle talking to would not have conveyed the urgency of the situation.

Its a little sad to me that we feel like we cant reprimand someone elses child. Granted I am an older mom, but when I was little I knew I could get in trouble from other adults if I misbehaved. Kids now know that other adults dont have the "right" to say anything so they dont respect the adults around them. If another child hurts mine I am going to address it in some manner. Whether that means talking to the child or taking it to the parent. This past weekend we were at Mc Donalds playing. There was a little boy that was there with a very young guy ( who was fixated on a video game) the little boy was just being mean to everyone. I was proud of My DS because when the little boy hit him he turned to him and said "No its not okay to hit me". The young man he was with did do anything but then it continued and I went and told the little boy to quit. I wasnt worried if it make the person he was with upset or not. My goal was to get a kid to quit hitting. I miss kids knowing you have to listen to adults.

I think it's OK to tell another kid that it's NOT OK to push, bite, say mean things... And then ask where their parents...

You can't scream at another kid or push or tell your kid to do the same (very tempting sometimes...). If you do that then you are being a bully too.

I usually say it calmly and in many cases it works when kids know you are watching them. And same for the parents - if you start screaming at another parent, it won't get you anywhere! Most parents will respond well if you say nicely... And sometimes you look at the parent being busy with other stuff and not really caring and you see it's pointless. I tell my daughter to stay away from kids that are mean to her.

DD is 4 and she very well understand when somebody is being mean to her!

Thank you all. Thinking back I know my tone was angry and mean to this kid. I was afraid that my daughter was going to fall backwards but im also not liking a few of these kid's behaviors which motivated my tone. I'm trying to teach her to stay away from kids doing the wrong thing but it's hard when it's her "friends" that are acting wrong. Nonetheless I think I can say something but saying it nicely is probably the way to go. I don't want to lose my cool in front of everyone! Its so hard when you have to start dealing with other peoples kids!!

Yup, I'm all for disciplining other people's kids. I worked at a summer camp for a few years, and it just became second nature for me to repremand every child equally regardless of who the parents are. Summer camp has taught me a few ways of saying things in a not-so-mean-adult way that definately gets the point across.

Yeah, I get some looks for being the playground "lifeguard" so-to-speak, but if everyone else is going to be too engrossed with their cell phones and not paying attention to the kids, then someone has to step up and actually PARENT for a change.

It is a two way street, and I hope that other people are looking out for my kids as well, and will step in and remind them to behave if I happen to miss a transgression. Doesn't usually happen though, because I am on top of my kids, and because really, nobody seems to be paying attention at the playgrounds we go to at all! I'm constantly saying things like, "Keep your hands to yourself," "No rough play here," "Everyone needs to take a turn, and you need to take yours or let someone else go!" Seriously, I loose my voice after a day at the playground, and yet, everyone else seems parked on a bench with a face in a cell phone.

If this is happening at your daycare, is there something you can say to the teacher? Is it possible the teacher could include a lesson in the day about friendship? Or could the school just write an open letter to state, "Any after school activities done on our proprety must be monitored by parents?" just as a sort of "heads-up" warning that parents need to keep a better eye on their kids?

I ask the child how would they feel if the action was done to them, has my son done this to them and do they need a time out. I also don't care if the other parent is paying attention or not. This seems to work. But now the kids run up to me telling what my son does to them.

The reason we need to be careful about reprimanding someone else's child is that not all parents discipline the same. I talk to my kids. I'm stern, to the point and will punish through timed by age time outs. I only raise my voice if they are doing something dangerous. It works for me. I'd rather get another parents attention or if in a public place like a park we find something else to do and leave that child to play / be mean to other kids. Sometimes, if a kid cuts in front of my girls, ill say something to my kids about it as a lesson. Like, " See, this is why we take turns. It's not nice to cut in line because its not fun for you to have to wait longer. The same goes with other kids." I try to say it loud enough for the other child to over hear or his/ her parents to overhear.

I do not care about the other mother. I have said something. I had a boy tell my son he's tougher than him and he can prove it, let's punch. they boy was 5. The mom did nothing. I looked at the boy and said, we only use nice touches and fighting isn't a sign of being tough. It's a sign that you need love and you're hurting and it's a sign of weakness. If you want to play with us, we only use words that are nice, we use nice touches and we use our listening ears. ok??