Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
3877

Golfing Nun
A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 10 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?" David Street

Tuesday

Joke
N°
3882

Organic Vegetables
A wife asked her husband to buy some organic vegetables. He went to the supermarket, but couldn't find any on the shelves. So he asked an elderly male employee: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"
The employee said: "No. You'll have to do that yourself." Ryan F.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
3883

A Drunk
A drunk staggered out a bar and began walking down the street, one foot on the kerb, the other foot on the street.
Seeing this, a policeman went over to him and said: "You're drunk."
"Thank God for that!" Said the drunk. "I thought I was crippled." Gill B.

Thursday

Joke
N°
3884

Job Interview
A man went for a job with a major company. "I'm looking for a job as a consultant," he said.
The employer said: "No, sorry. We already have enough consultants."
"Ok, well, with my experience, I could be an adviser."
"No, we've got more then we can use already."
The applicant was becoming increaslingly desperate. "Look, I'm not proud. I can do paperwork - I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
"I'm sorry," said the employer, "but we just don't seem to have any openings for someone with your qualifications."
At this, the applicant stood up, smashed his fist on the desk and stormed: "Work for you, I'd have to be a low-life, belly-crawling, double-dealing jerk!"
"Oh," said the employer, "you didn't say you were a lawyer. Sit down. We may have an opening after all." Max C.

Friday

Joke
N°
3885

Coming Out
A young woman decided to come out of the closet. Nervously, she decided to approach her mother and found her in the kitchen where she was stirring stew with a wooden spoon.
Gathering up courage, she decided to blurt it out. "Mom, I'm gay!"
The mither carried on stirring the stew without looking up. "You mean lesbian?"
"Uh, yeah."
Still the mother continues stirring. "Does that mean you lick women down below?"
"Well, er, yes."
The mother finally looked up from the pot and, waving the spoon at her daughter, said: "Then don't you ever complain about my cooking again!" Shauna M

Saturday

Joke
N°
3886

Fist Fight
A small boy ran down the street in search of a cop. Eventually finding one, he begged: "Please come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight!"
The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three men involved in a violent fistfight. "Ok, son," said the cop, "which one is your father?"
"I don't know," said the boy. "That's what they're fighting about!"

Sunday

Joke
N°
3887

Selling Her Car
A blonde was trying to sell her old car, but was having trouble attracting a buyer because the car had almost 250,000 miles on the clock. One day she was pouring out her problems to a brunette workmate who confided: "There is a way of making the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"I don't mind whether or not it's legal," said the blonde. "I just want to sell that damned car."
"Ok," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine who owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he'll sort it out. After that, you shouldn't have any difficulty selling your car."
The next day, the blonde went to see the mechanic. A few weeks later, she bumped into the brunette at work.
"Did you sell your car?" asked the brunette.
"No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? it only has 40,000 miles on the clock!" Ian M.