Officials to Replace Summer Parties with Parcheesi in Montauk

Local officials have announced plans to put the brakes on the Montauk party scene, to try to avoid the mayhem that erupted there over last summer.

“It was those hippies, and the rock musicians—or am I being redundant,” quipped Rose O’Brian, leader of the citizen’s council that proposed the new measures which are largely being adopted.

“We know what they look like, with their long greasy hair and their tie-dyed T-shirts and their electric guitars—it will be a simple matter to just stop them and send them back to the hole they crawled out of.”

Officers from the Hamptons Police Department are being instructed to be on the lookout for VW minibuses with telltale peace signs painted on the side—statistically, such vehicles are known to be the favored transportation of hippies and rock musicians.

To make up for the lost revenue to Montauk bars and restaurants, the adopted plan calls for locating a large number of Parcheesi tables in the downtown area to attract “the right kind of people” to visit and spend money in what will surely be a much more peaceful Montauk.