The secrets of the universe are soon to be revealed! I am Baba Doodlius, and I know all! Well, truth be told I only know "most", but since nobody knows "all" I can just make up the stuff I don't know and nobody will be the wiser. That's the First Secret of Baba Doodlius! More to come.
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Monday, November 19, 2007

Greetings all you gliders on the warm updrafts of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with a Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

I have listed, accurately, my residence as "The Universe", but lately I have been mostly hanging out in the U S of A. As such, I am going to do today's Revelation on a quintessentially American Mystery. It concerns a prominent American citizen who vanished over 30 years ago without any trace whatsoever, and whose disappearance has baffled all who have attempted to discover this person's whereabouts. Countless references to this person have appeared in the media, and occasionally show up even today, so many years after the vanishing! I am naturally referring to

Jimmy Hoffa!

James Hoffa was born to be mysterious - his actual middle name is "Riddle". I swear I am not kidding about this, you can look it up. (I even put a helpful link on his name, if you trust Wikipedia.) Born in Brazil, Indiana on February 14, 1913 Jimmy was a beloved and upstanding American citizen. (Heck, how could he not be beloved, he was born on Valentine's Day for cryin' out loud.) Despite being born to humble circumstances, Jimmy rose to prominence in his chosen field of Transportation, accumulating only two serious felony convictions, and their associated 5-year intensely-managed residency period, along the way.

Hoffa lived for 5 years in this posh residence facility in Lewisberg, PA, known for its attractive high walls and impressive towers.

Jimmy attained the pinnacle of his career in 1957, when he became the President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, aka the famous Teamsters Union. During his nearly 20-year tenure as Teamsters President, he made many close friends in the Italian-American community and enjoyed a spirited friendly rivalry with Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy.

Prominent Italian-American and best buddy of Jimmy Hoffa Anthony "Tony Jack" Giacalone, right, takes a stroll with an unknown aide. Curiously, Tony was never photographed with Hoffa.

Well-known, well-respected, and seemingly beloved by all, how did it come to pass that this paragon disappeared without a trace on July 30, 1975?

Theories have abounded for 30 years on what happened to Mr. Hoffa, including:

1) He ran off with a go-go dancer2) He was kidnapped by lesser union organizers who were jealous of his success3) He was abducted by the CIA and taken to a secret prison, to be subjected to "enhanced interrogation techniques" about union activities

We can ignore #3, since that sort of thing could never really happen. The other two are somewhat more plausible, although #2 cannot be true - he was far too beloved to have been kidnapped by anyone. While it is possible that he ran off with a go-go dancer, had this actually been true we would have heard about it on "Oprah" by now, so we can discount theory #1 as well.

So what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa?

As you may have guessed by now, I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, have discovered the real story behind this Mystery, and have also determined the current whereabouts of Mr. Hoffa! Let the F.B.I. take some notes, here.

The story begins when Jimmy was a just a child. It turns out that Mr. Hoffa, from a very young age, was an avid reader. A favorite book of his as a young boy was "Sunny Boy at the Seashore" by Ramy Allison White.

He kept a copy of this book wherever he went. Ironically, his great love for this book would turn out to be his undoing!

You see, the copy that he kept was not his own - it was borrowed...

from a Library!

(Cue ominous music!)

He checked this book out shortly after its publication in 1920, and loved it so much that he never returned it. That would prove to be the biggest mistake of his life! Despite notice after notice that the book was overdue, he could not part with his most cherished possession. This raised the ire of

The Librarians! (Cue more ominous music!)

Folks, you really don't want to mess with The Librarians. They're the toughest, orneriest, most ruthless gang on the planet! You will rue the day you cross them!

Librarian Ruth Westland, in her natural habitat. So I guess this means The Librarians aren't completely Ruthless after all. Ha, ha, little joke to break the tension there.

Oh, I know what you're thinking - "Librarians aren't tough or mean". But you see, that's what they want you to think! To the public they present such a calm, helpful, peaceful demeanor, but in the meetings of their Top Secret Society of the Dewey Decimal Enforcers, their true selves are allowed to show:

So, you see? You really don't want to mess with these folks. Jimmy Hoffa found this out the hard way! After noting that his book had been overdue for 2,875 weeks, The Librarians could take it no longer - they pounced on poor, defenseless Jimmy in the dark of night and dragged them to their hidden lair, the Great Global Card Catalog:

It is rumored that the Arc of the Covenant is in there somewhere too

According to my inside source, Jimmy is still alive, being forced to work off his overdue book fine as a slave, constantly updating the master list of books in every library in the world! A fitter ending could not be written for the Jimmy Hoffa, the greatest overdue book offender in the annals of the Dewey Decimal Enforcers.

So let this be a cautionary tale for all of you blog readers: Enjoy the library, read all the books you want, but remember - the books are there for everybody, so return them on time. Or Else!

17 comments:

This would be a great cautionary tale for kids...scarier than The Wizard of Oz...those pictures are absolutely terrifying! Thank goodness for the internet and Amazon; I'll never have to go to the library again.(I always thought that Hoffa was acting as a backup singer for Sinatra or something...wasn't he on the "Duets" album?)Poetikat

Ah HAH! That explains it. I never liked librarians, either...always had shifty, slanted eyes (more than likely from their hair bun being pulled too tight). Like they always say, you gotta watch out for the quiet ones.

I think the librarians would have been better off if they just force him to charge members of the Teamsters a lot more for union dues and transfer the money to them -- so they can go after even more people for overdue books.

Hey Baba, Do you live in the Detroit area? The rumors here have always been that Mr. Hoffa is buried beneath I-696; it was being put in at the time. Could be the librarians put him there.... You don't fool around with mother nature, and you don't mess with librarians.

The Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius

Let me explain... no, there is too much. Let me sum up:

The Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius is a citizen of the Universe, and resides there full time. He enjoys eating, sleeping, chewing up blocks of wood, and pondering the deepest secrets of the Cosmos that have remained unexhumed and unexamined for countless millenia. All that and he's darned cute as well.