Look, I could say something about how I love all you readers, and all that mushy jazz, but I’m not going to. Valentine’s day isn’t about love, it’s about chocolate. Specifically, the chocolate that’s on half-price the day after. Plus, it would seriously ruin the gruff-and-pithy-sarcastic-wit thing I’m trying to cultivate here.

Regardless, here are some things I made for you. Valentines! You can save them and print them out and give them to people you like. Or that you’re pretending to like.

Okay, these ones are for anyone. They’re pretty safe, because they are corny. Warning: they are full of puns. Bad puns. Worse than a Xanth novel, even.

These ones are for nerds. Don’t even think about giving them to regular people, because they won’t get it. I’d only recommend you download these if you got that Xanth reference earlier.

There is actually a third set of vaguely PG-rated valentines, but I got all embarrassed and didn’t post them. If you can prove to me that you’re an adult in real life and not my mom (because I’m not sure which is worse, my mother finding them funny or me having to explain a sexual innuendo to her), I’ll e-mail the link to you.