The Vice Non-Presidential Debate

By: Briana McDonald

It’s time for the event that the whole country simultaneously forgets about and then stumbles upon while channel flipping halfway through: the 2016 Vice Presidential Debate!Watch as these two men, whose names you’ve already forgotten, hash it out on behalf of their running mates on key issues like…

Taxes! Or Donald Trump’s lack of release of his taxes! Or Donald Trump’s refusal to pay taxes! Or Donald Trump’s inability to support our military because he won’t pay his taxes!

Abortion! We all know we outlawed the integration of church and state a while ago, but these two candidates don’t care! Listen in as the two men use their Catholic backgrounds to justify their respective stances on abortion. But that’s okay. We all know they’ll never implement their religion into law in order to make women’s reproductive choices for them… right?

Healthcare! Or, more importantly, Obamacare. The common response seems to be hating it, so even though we still haven’t been told why helping millions of lower class people get medical insurance is bad, we’re gonna run with it! We need healthcare reform! How are we going to do that, you ask? We’re going to… talk about Hillary Clinton’s emails. Again.

The military! Despite the fact that we’re not all dead, our President and Secretary of State have done a horrible job of keeping us safe. So we need to show opposing countries our “American strength.” Russia is funding the Assad regime? Rebuild the military! North Korea wants to bomb the United States? Throw some D’s (defense) on it! Why use our mouths and our brains to come up with feasible solutions when we could just increase the $600 billion that we spend on defense each year and make more nuclear weapons? Because that turned out so well last time.

Even more entertaining than the candidates’ derailment of these issues in favor of insulting one another is the generalized buzz wording they use to rile up their respective parties. For example, you’ve heard of the war on crime. You’ve heard of the war on drugs. You’ve even heard of the war on poverty. But grab your muskets, fellow Americans, and get ready for the War on Coal! We’re fighting sedimentary rock, now, and if you think that’s ridiculous, just bring the discussion full circle back to Hillary Clinton’s emails – all thirty-three thousand of them, America.

So tune in to the debate that will make you wish that our actual presidential candidates were this collected. Decide who wins based on their charming temperament rather than their ideas or the issues they stand for! You won’t regret it.