I'm new, and I can't believe what I'm reading!

06-17-2008, 01:06 PM

I'm a newbie and I've just been reading non stop for the past 2 days. The amount of information I'm soaking in is so amazing I have chills up and down my spine.

My son is about to be 3 and I never considered myself AP although I've coslept from the beginning because it felt right, I attempted to breast feed (no milk supply due to medication given to me at the hosp) I wore him in a sling as much as possible until he was walking and was no longer interested. We snuggle and rock together at night as much as possible. But these were all things done out of just mommy instinct, I've never put a label on myself. I never really knew what AP was to be honest.

When it came to discipline I was told to do everything that was AGAINST my mommy instinct. I was told he needs to sleep in his own bed and make him cry it out until he gets over it --- 1 night my husband forced me into trying it and I cried uncontrollably for 2.5 hours. Everything in my body tells me this is WRONG and my child needs me. Never did it again. I was told by family and friends that children need to be spanked as we were as kids to keep them in line---- totally against my instinct , cannot do it! I started smacking his hand when he was younger and realized -- Why would I be hitting a child to teach him not to hit? I was told that Time-Outs are the new "right thing" to do. At age 1 my pediatrician said it was time to start time-outs. I cried in his office. The thought of it made me physically ill. But he's a baby? What am I teaching him by isolating him in punishment? There has to be a better way. I was laughed at by the pediatrician. Said that I'm too sensitive. By everyone including my mother. "you really need to get a grip girl if you dont spank or atleast do time out that kid is going to walk all over you" For a year everytime my husband attempted to put him in time out-- I cried. We argued. I felt like it was hurting him. And I was called ridiculous. I have continued to give in to this way of doing things , thinking to myself that I am infact ridiculous and I have to get over my own personal feelings about it in order to discipline my son properly. Regardless of how much it hurts me.

I am done. Yesterday I decided I cannot continue to do this , it is NOT effective and it does not feel right and I am afraid that it is damaging. I don't care what anyone else thinks I NEED to find another way!

And then I found you
Everything that my mommy instincts have told me for 3 years, is true. There is a better way. Discipline is not about harsh punishment , or being cold, or taking away your attention and affection as punishment (how hurtful) I was right all along. I can't believe that I've allowed other people to force me into believing my intuition and my heart were WRONG. I have been doing things the wrong way. Now I have to fix it.

I've cried more than once since reading these threads. I am in pure amazement of how right it all feels. How clear and sensible it all is and how so many people have missed this! Missed the point completely in raising their children!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!! I have alot to learn but Ive never been more excited than I am right now!

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Reading your post gives me new insight into how much outside pressure others face from the world! I am again reminded to be so, so grateful that that first friend of mine exposed me to midwifery and got me into the scenario that ultimately exposed me to AP.

Your son, I'm sure, will be immensely grateful for this change! Best of luck to you. There is a lot of learning to do, even about AP, but it sounds like you've gotten off to a great start.

I heard you mention your husband a few times. I hope you and he are able to work through this together. Parenting is so much easier when you have two people on the same page. Try to remember that he was doing what he did out of love, too, even if misdirected. And share your new knowledge with him. It's really helpful to me to try to apply the same AP principles of respect and empathy to adults, too!

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I heard you mention your husband a few times. I hope you and he are able to work through this together. Parenting is so much easier when you have two people on the same page. Try to remember that he was doing what he did out of love, too, even if misdirected. And share your new knowledge with him. It's really helpful to me to try to apply the same AP principles of respect and empathy to adults, too!

I'm really happy for you! Welcome to this wonderful new world!

Thank you for such a warm welcome. You're soooo right I have TONS to learn and I'm just beginning. But For right this moment, I know which behaviors HAVE to stop immediately (i.e time out) and I really need to teach myself a new way of looking at things and gaining some patience and better understanding of my toddlers needs.

As for my husband. He had a very different upbringing from me. Very calm, affectionate, and loving. Never spanked, no screaming, etc etc. I think it may be a bit easier for him to try and change the discipline approach in this respect.

Although he is very "dr" is always right (when it came to time-out he was on board with the idea immediately even though I was not) He doesn't like the idea of co-sleeping. He has hated the fact that my son has been in bed with us and has told me on numerous occassions that he will not let me do this again with the next kid. (not that i would allow him to completely make that decision) He also did force the issue of "crying it out" but once he saw my physical reaction to it, he's never mentioned it again. Although he thinks that the crying is ok and for the most part its the childs way of manipulating.

We do have conflict when it comes to our parenting. It has caused many arguments between us.

He also wanted me to put our son in daycare and go back to work. Which I refused. I gave in to half days (4 hrs)when he was 2.5 only because the therapist told me it would help his speech develop (he has a speech delay) But I wasn't comfortable with it then and I'm still not comfortable with it now, even though he loves it and is doing very well. My husband told me I was holding him back due to my own fears of letting go... and that this was the reason for the terrible seperation anxiety.

Theres lots we don't agree with. I can go on forever.

All in all sometimes he just thinks im ridiculous or " a crazy hippie"(his words)

I'm hoping that the more I'm able to learn and the more confident I am in my decision to make a serious change that he will be willing to hear me out and change with me. I'm praying he keeps an open mind about all of this. We have to be on the same page to make it work.

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It can be really hard to hold to what you know to be true in your heart. I'm glad you found us and really glad that you have found support in your area...that will make a big difference for you, even in your relationship with your husband around parenting styles. I bet you find similar stories there...and maybe some insight into how to approach his opposition.
A lot of people just don't understand child development and the brain development and meeting infants and children's needs where they are developmentally. My uncle is a retired pediatrician and very involved in my daughter's life. He told me, as he was her doctor at the time, to keep her on the scheduled feedings that the NICU had her on, not to hold her so much, not to sleep with her that she needed to learn independence. We lived with them (auntie and uncle) when I brought DD home from hospital. I tried it "their" way but it didn't feel right. The only way she would sleep at 3 weeks old was on my chest...the only way I could sleep was in bed with her on my chest...and so it went. My uncle (who missed bringing up his 7 children because he was working so much to support them....ahem, telling other parents how to raise theirs??) at first was very skeptical. but he has actually come around to it and is excited to see what kind of personality she will have and how she will "be" with such little frustration in her world(aside from other things going on in our lives.) He now loves to baby sit and holds her and engages with her and really works hard to try to understand what it is that she is needing from him....on the rare occasion when she has to spend the night with them...Auntie and Uncle put her in the middle of their big king size bed between them. So don't loose hope with your husband...sometimes people just need a little education, empathy and encouragement! Once I found out that there was actually a "name" to my parenting style...it made things so simple for me as far as explaining to other relatives and friends. It was like I had found the "scientific evidence" to back up my theories!
Be the change you want to see in your family! Sounds like you already are!!

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Regarding your husband's belief that the "doctor" is right, there are a few references I encountered that helped me see how only some doctors are right and many aren't. These include The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland, How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of your Doctor by Robert Mendelsohn, MD, and all of the books by William Sears, MD.

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Welcome, JensJulyBoy05!! This is, as far as I can tell, a wonderful place full of supportive mamas. I am still learning some about the discipline part of AP myself, and oh yes, I can definitely relate to this:

All in all sometimes he just thinks im ridiculous or " a crazy hippie"(his words)

Except here, it's "Crazy tree-hugging hippie" which really isn't such a bad title, haha....he's also called me "the witch doctor", on account of my wanting to home-remedy whatever I can. But honestly, I know where you are coming from, and it is not a fun place to be in, where you feel that you almost have to be in direct opposition to the person that you should be working alongside of, in order to stick to your parenting ideals. It's hard to know how to compromise....I certainly have not figured it out yet. But I am here for support and hopefully we will both find a way to convince our hubbies that the best way to discipline is to teach and lead by example of how we want to be treated, which would automatically rule out spankings and isolation. Ah, maybe one day. In the meantime, I'm very glad you found API!!

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i felt the exact same way when i found this site. Im not a crunchy granola and i was tired of getting the third degree because of my incessant need to be with my baby. I honestly feel people truly look down on us because they are secretly ashamed that they don't show their children the love and attention they need to truly thrive. if you ask me, there's no excuse to shortchange your kids of a loving, nurturing childhood..
you only get one!

so glad ive found this site as DS is 9 wks old...

oh, i love all of you!

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Thank you so much for all the beautiful responses. I really have a fire under my butt to get things under control here. My husband is very much on board with stopping time outs. Which we have done since the day I found you guys =) And hes always been adamant in not spanking, ever. So no issues there. But there is a "now what" question going around our house now.

Aidan has been becoming more and more aggressive. When he's angry, he hits scratches, pinches, and now hes starting to bite (learned it from a wonderful new kid in preschool who bit him 3 times last week... love preschool) I'm not quite sure how to get that to stop. We explain to him that it hurts, its not nice, we don't hit and hurt people. Etc. But he's kind of just looking at me like whatever lady, waiting for his time out. So I know he's testing me right now with this new found freedom of no time outs and I'm hoping that it will die down with time. I'm sure its confusing to him.

I have however started time-ins. Actually the second day was very interesting. I pulled him to the side of the room after noticing he was getting very cranky. I sat with him and cuddled him and asked him if there was something wrong. He said "Mommy, my ear hurts. Look, its broken." I WAS SHOCKED. Would he have never told me had I not taken the time to pull him aside and see if there was something wrong ? When I looked in his ear sure enough it was all gooky and on the verge of infection.. as usual.

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Hang in there! AP may not always seem the most effective approach in the short term but you're in it for the long haul. If short term results were all that mattered we would just put our kids in those electric shocking dog collars!

As you said, he may be a bit confused about the lack of time-outs. With the extrinsic motivation provided by a time-out gone, it may take him some time to ``tune back into himself``` and find the intrinsic motivation to behave more peacefully. The faith you have in him to be good and do good things will help him find his way.