Sanctuary for the Abused

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Inability to Apologize

Ever since the pioneering work of Klein (e.g., 1937), analysts have been interested in the process of reparation, with both internal and external objects. In a loving relationship perceived as temporarily damaged by one party's hunger or aggression, the (actual or fantasied) injuring party ordinarily seeks to restore the loving tone of the relationship. In adults, the usual vehicle is the apology.

What intrigues us about the reparation process when a narcissistic defense is operating is that what is repaired is not the damage to the relationship, but the subject's illusion of perfection. Narcissistically impelled people may be at least temporarily incapable of genuine expressions of remorse, because inherent in an apology is the admission that one is not needless and faultless. In characterological narcissism, this defect is sometimes embraced as a virtue, as in Woody Hayes's boast that he never apologized to anybody, or in the peculiar belief of Erich Segal's heroine that "Love is never having to say you're sorry." In less gross manifestations of narcissism, the avoidance of apology is much more subtle, much less visible to those who might legitimately expect some expression of sincere contrition. What a narcissistically defended person seems to do instead of apologizing is to attempt a repair of the grandiose self in the guise of making reparation with the object. We have identified several different ways that narcissistically motivated people tend to substitute some other kind of interpersonal transaction for an apology. For the party on the receiving end of such a transaction, it also becomes a problem to restore intimacy, since it is difficult to forgive in the absence of the other person's genuine remorse.

1. UndoingWhen a narcissistically defended woman has inflicted some emotional injury upon her husband, instead of apologizing, she is likely to go out of her way later to be especially solicitous of him (initiating sex, making a special dinner, etc.). A father who has unfeelingly criticized a child may similarly avoid admitting his insensitivity but instead offer some attractive treat subsequent to his transgression. The object of the undoing can be expected to remain hurt, in the absence of an emotional expression of regret, and will suffer a natural reaction to the undoing that will lie somewhere between cold rejection and grudging acquiescence. If neither party can articulate the difference between making real emotional reparation to the object and engaging in the defense of undoing, they will both be further estranged by these operations. The undoing party will feel affronted and resentful that his or her ministrations are not appreciated, while the injured person may suffer attacks of self-criticism for an inability to forgive, forget, and warm up to the partner. Both people wind up lonelier than they were previously.

2. Appealing to Good IntentionsPeople who are engaged in defending their internal grandiosity may become adept at giving ostensible apologies that really amount to self-justifications. Narcissistically driven people do not seem to understand that saying one is sorry represents an expression of empathy with the injured party irrespective of whether the hurt was intentional or avoidable. The woman who is kept waiting and worrying when her husband is late coming home will feel immediately forgiving if he expresses genuine sorrow that she has suffered on his account. In narcissistically defensive states, however, people seem to go by the general rule that such expressions of sympathy and regret are called for only if they were "at fault" in some way. Thus, the tardy husband meets his wife's anxious greeting with, "It wasn't my fault; there was a traffic jam," communicating not remorse but resentment of her distress and rejection of its validity.

The organizing, overriding issue for people with narcissistic preoccupations is the preservation of their internal sense of self-cohesiveness or self-approval, not the quality of their relations with other people. As a result, when they feel their imperfections have been exposed, the pressing question for them is the repair of their inner self-concept, not the mending of the feelings of those in their external world (cf. Stolorow's [1979b] definitions of narcissism). They are consequently likely, in a state of defensiveness about exposed faults, to protest that they meant to do the right thing, as if the purity of their inner state is the pertinent issue - to others as well as to themselves.

One of our patients described how her close friend had failed to send her a wedding present. When she admitted her disappointment, the friend replied, "Gee, I meant to get you something - I even had a gift in mind, and I don't know why I didn't get to it." This was offered as if it were an exonerating explanation; interestingly, the woman never did buy a gift, even (or perhaps especially) in light of the explicit expression of its significance to her friend. This seemingly odd perseverance in a breach of etiquette might be explained by the observation that the rectification of an error is an admission that an error has in fact occurred. If one displaces the issue to the area of intention an error has in fact occurred. If one displaces the issue to the area of intention, an error has not occurred, since one's intentions were faultless.

3. ExplainingA related substitute for apologizing is the practice of explaining. Unless the listener is particularly sensitive, an explanation can sound remarkably like an apology. In fact, a relationship between two people is apt to go on a considerable length of time before the party on the receiving end of explanations begins to feel a bothersome absence of genuine contrition in the other. The advantage of the explanation to the person protecting a grandiose self is that it avoids both asking for something (forgiveness) and admitting to a sphere of personal responsibility that includes the risk of inevitable shortcoming. Hence, the illusion of personal needlessness and guiltlessness is maintained. "I would have visited you in the hospital but my schedule got really crazy," or "I must've forgotten your birthday because it came right on the heels of my vacation this year," or "Your dog just ran in front of my car and I couldn't stop fast enough" are the kinds of apology-substitutes that may appear to connote remorse, but actually stop short of expressing sorrow and making emotional reparation.

A special case of the explanation sans apology is that of the person who has become adroit in offering his or her psychodynamics as explanatory, exculpating principles behind behavior that is remiss. "Maybe I was acting out my envy," or "I wonder if I did that because I'm going through an anniversary reaction to my sister's death," or "I must have been feeling unconsciously hostile toward you because you remind me of my father" are the kinds of nonapologies typically offered by the psychoanalytically sophisticated when protecting a grandiose self-concept. Evidence that a genuine apology has not been made can be found in the state of mind of the recipient of such commentaries: explanations without apology produce either pained confusion, or understanding without warmth. Because the explainer is defending his or her action to an internal critic who expects perfection, the listener often ends up, because of being the target of a projective-identification process, feeling inarticulately critical.

4. RecriminatingWe have noticed the tendency fornarcissistically vulnerable people to engage in a kind of ritual self-castigation in the wake of an undeniable or unrationalizable failing toward someone. This is a process even more elusive than explaining, and harder to distinguish from true apologizing. This recrimination is expressed to witnesses and objects of the transgressionwith the implicit invitation that the transgressor should be reassured that despite the lapse, he or she is really fine (i.e., perfect or perfectable), after all. In the case of a person with a narcissistic character disorder, recrimination is probably as close as he or she ever comes to apologizing, and is doubtless believed to constitute sorrow and reparation.

A special case of the explanation sans apology is that of the person who has become adroit in offering his or her psychodynamics as explanatory, exculpating principles behind behavior that is remiss. "Maybe I was acting out my envy," or "I wonder if I did that because I'm going through an anniversary reaction to my sister's death," or "I must have been feeling unconsciously hostile toward you because you remind me of my father" are kinds of nonapologies typically offered by the psychoanalytically sophisticated when protecting a grandiose self-concept. Evidence that a genuine apology has not been made can be found in the state of mind of the recipient of such commentaries: explanations without apology produce either pained confusion , or understanding without warmth. Because the explainer is defending his or her action to an internal critic who expects perfection, the listener often ends up, because of being the target of a projective-identification process, feeling inarticulately critical.

5. Deflecting BlameThe readiness of narcissistically vulnerable people to convey criticism is equaled only by their resistance to assimilating it. Frequently, they seem to have mastered the art of deflecting blame. As an example of this dynamic, let us consider the familiar situation of supervising a narcissistically preoccupied trainee in psychotherapy. If narcissistic patients are hard to treat (as is their reputation), narcissistic supervisees seem even harder to supervise. Except in certain phases of idealization of the supervisor, they react to honest feedback about their shortcomings and limits not just with defensiveness - a natural and universal response - but with a particular kind of defense: the effort to share their "badness" with the supervisor.

When the mentor has failed to support the grandiose self of a narcissistically impelled student, he or she can count on paying for it. A response to the effect of "I'll confess that I acted that out, but I think you have your part in this, too," is typical. And the supervisee is often right, or has a piece of the truth at least, but in such cases, the content of the criticism of the supervisor is usually not the point. The process boils down to: "I feel mortified that you saw a limitation in me because I aspire to perfection. You probably aspire to perfection, too, or should, so I'll point out that you haven't yet reached it, either." The supervisee thus perpetuates the false premise that perfect self-sufficiency is a legitimate goal. It seems not to occur to a narcissistically motivated person that comfort with imperfection might be both the supervisor's attitude toward his or her own work, and the attitude the supervisor wishes to instill in the trainee.

Several years ago, one of us worked with a brilliant, attractive, talented, and quite grandiose analyst-in-training. For about a year, the atmosphere of the supervision was delightful, as both parties engaged in what amounted to a folie a deux of mutual idealization. The supervisor, out of her own narcissistic pathology, joined this man believing that reported problems with previous supervisors derived from his having been insufficiently appreciated by, or even having been felt as threatening to, these therapists. Then he sought her collusion in overreporting his hours of control analysis to the institute. (He believed that he had had so much equivalent training that his background fulfilled the "spirit" if not the letter of the training provisions, and that the particulars of the program requirements were needlessly stringent.) She refused. He abruptly devalued her, as he had his previous instructors, but since it was in his interest to maintain the relationship until he had passed a Case Presentation requirement, he stayed in supervision. When she tried to make ego-alien his narcissistic entitlement, he accused her of acting out all kinds of unpleasant dynamics, including having contributed to his expectation of special favors by her prior warmth and support, which he now labeled seductive and transferential. He was, of course, right to a considerable extent, as narcissistically defensive people, with their hypervigilant sensitivity to others, often are.

He somehow structured the psychological situation as follows: "If you deny your part in the dynamic, you are self-deluded and therefore not worth listening to; if you admit it, you and I can lament your shortcomings together, construe my actions as responsive to your mistakes, and avoid looking at my own problems." It is very difficult to turn this bind into a learning situation for the trainee. We have seen examples of narcissistically preoccupied analysts-in-training who, by structuring their experience of supervision this way, develop a set of quite prescient beliefs about each of their teachers' dynamics, with no observable growth in their comprehension of their own.from: Narcissistic Pathology of Everyday Life: The Denial of Remorse and Gratitude; Nancy McWilliams, Ph.D. and Stanley Lependorf, Ph.D.

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A 52-year-old is the first-ever Wilshire woman charged with possessing child pornography.

A bail hearing will be held today for the first woman ever to face child pornography and her son Joe Lowry for rape charges in Wiltshire

Susan Lowry, 52, Bishopstone is charged with several counts of possession of child pornography and making it available.

Joe Lowry , 27, Bishopstone charged with Rape to a minor child.

The charges were laid Wednesday after a search at Hillsborough Day Nursery. Bishopstone, following recent complaints, a two-month investigation by the Wiltshire police cyber crime unit.

"But the citizens in this community need to know that, regardless of gender, if you're involved in this disgusting behaviour, we're going to be looking for you."

Susan Lowry is charged with seven counts of possessing child pornography and five counts of making available child pornography and rape

Susan lowry was held in custody overnight and was to appear in court today for a bail hearing.

She appeared in court three times yesterday where assistant Crown attorney said the prosecution would agree to her release as long as she had a surety.

Susan Lowry appeared to be unsteady on her feet and had a cut on her nose.

The search for Joe Lowry continues.

Samantha lowry said her sisters would come, but Taylor said it was too late in the day.

Susan Lowry was ordered to remain in custody until today for a court appearance.

Susan Lowry appeared surprised to be in custody when she was returned to the court cellblock.

News of the charges shocked the Bishopstone neighbourhood.

Several informed sources say they believe Susan Lowry and her son Joe Lowry suffers from a psychological condition and appears heavily medicated.

One woman said people often come and go from Lowry´s hillsborough child nursery, sometimes when she's sleeping, and have access to the computer.

"I can't imagine her (Susan Lowry) being involved in anything like that, but I can believe some of the people who visit her place are," said one woman.

"She's a very trusting person, very open and indiscriminating about who comes to her place."

The cyber unit, with several full-time officers dedicated to investigating child pornography, and rape was set up this year with funding from the provincial government.

The unit has been on a tear this year laying child pornography charges.

Charges have been laid in about 22 cases, including several cases in which London police worked with other forces.

Faulkner said he's pleased with the unit's success to date.

"Yes, I am pleased, but I wish we didn't have to have it," he said.

"Obviously, though, we need to have it. Parts of the Internet are nothing more than a cesspool of pornography and I don't feel any sympathy -- whether it's male or female -- for anyone involved in this activity."

I'm currently dating a woman who seems more narcissistic than any of the others I have ever dated and your post just made me understand some of the behaviors I have been experiencing while with her. She is amazing in many ways but I am often taken back when I see her self involvement peek its head out every now and then.

My husband never apologized to me for any of the heinous things he did to me throughout our 6 year marriage. He made a lame attempt at an "apology" once last summer when we were in marriage counseling and that was only because he was being held accountable to the counselor...not because he was truly sorry for what he did to me or how he made me feel...AFRAID! Even then, he outlined how he didn't know why he did it, just that I made him get so angry that he trashed the house and broke my belongings....which he never owned up to...just that I made him get "that way".

Mr. Clemens, if you are new to this website please take some time and read the archived articles on narcissists and psychopaths. I come from a large family and all are psychopaths/narcissists except for me. My sisters are beautiful, smart, educated, well-spoken with phenomenal social skills. They have destroyed hundreds of mens lives and i was always sickened and amazed that these smart, well-educated guys would buy their crap after my sisters revealed what they are to them.

Now that they are old, my sisters have no memeory of the hurt and pain that they caused these men and in most cases have no memory of the men themselves. They have destroyed marriages and given birth to children who are just like themselves and those that aren't, are emotionally destroyed. It is crime scene with scattered and hopeless lives.

Do yourself a favor and have your girlfriend mri'ed to see if she is an all-out psychopath (has the brain functioning of a psychopath). I don't know where you could have this done but Adriane Rain at Penn State does them as well as Kent Kiehl. There's a British guy named Adam Perkins (I think) in the book "The Psychopath Test" that does them too.

Personally, I'd bail now. Once your heart is all in, you may not be able to see clearly enough to make wise decisions.

if someone is raised in the church,with a reverence for God, and admits he is a Christian, reads the Bible, prays, how can they justify to themselves it is not necessary to be humble, repent, give an apology, show remorse,etc.??

I have trouble even getting thru that whole list. My mother is a narc,(so was me father, but he died). It's painful for me to read all that because it's so true. I'll have to read the second half later.

This is so accurate. His comments to me after hurting me deeply were, "Hey that's a little dramatic for a Thursday Night", another time, " Wow, you sure gave me the King's Speech there" and again, "Can't I have some time to talk with my sister"? So many excuses that either turned the tables on me or completely made no sense at all as if I were delusional. Final straw after a year of this, ( I know, I was addicted and lonely) was I told him it was not healthy for me to be in love with a phantom. I needed honesty, love and reality-3 weeks later came this, " Hello L." What a sick, mean man. Wasted a year of my life but I have learned,,,,never again! yay.

I knew a man at work who would try to intimidate me and punish me for not going out with him. He apologised twice, both for things other people had witnessed, and each was followed with something to put me down. The first, he said "I'm sorry for being stroppy, I guess neither of us like being told what to do, but I'm better at hiding it than you" - what a give away!The second he cornered me in the kitchen, the day after a horrible work night out, he had his arm against the door blocking my exit, and after a brief apology quietly added that a witness had come to him and told him that he though I was only angry because I was drunk. (The witness obviously assumed I was his girlfriend and dumping him, not that I was his work subordinate and quitting). It was so obvious to me that he only cared about what other people thought of him and was happy to be as mean and vengeful as he liked when noone was listening or he could make me look bad. After I left the job he told people "she was sh*t anyway". I never trust anyone who ends sentences with 'anyway' it's always an excuse to avoid acknowledging the truth.

My N mother sent me an e-mail four days ago. Have had no communication from her in two years. She advised me that she needed me to forgive her. I replied that I did. There has been no response.

I was stunned when I first read her message. Then happy. Then pensive as I considered what she hadn't said. She didn't say she was sorry nor did she say what she needed forgiveness for. She had a need, it is my duty to meet that need. She is also 91 and, no doubt, anticipating her appearance before the Judgment Throne, where she would prefer to have my forgiveness under her belt. I am a little disappointed, a little amused, a little flabbergasted and a lot not surprised at all.

I was with a woman who after 4 months together, got very drunk on the night my mother was being buried and became insulting, abusive and sarcastic. Next day she'd forgotten all about it.I was stunned. I'd never come across something like this. When I finally did mention it, she allowed a grudging apology as long as I didn't ever bring it up again.That night she got drunk and told me she didn't mean the apology. We fought about it on and off and she'd apologize then get drunk and nasty and take it back, saying she never meant it. I had to explain at length why getting drunk and obnoxious and abusive when someone's mother dies is not acceptable behavior. She refused to take any responsibility, going on about how the dead don't really matter and it's all superstitious nonsense. My father was another non-apologizing abusive drunk so I stuck around with this woman. She did some wonderful things for me but I always wondered about her motives. I'd always believed she'd come around and show some humility. I finally gave up after 4 years. Thing is, she didn't just do it with my mother's death. She became drunk and abusive when 2 very close friends died some months later. She seemed to take great drunken pleasure in making my blackest days blacker and kicking hard when I was down. Her response was I have self esteem issues since I began to believe she hated me for reasons that likely had nothing to do with me personally. I think I became a cipher for her own nightmares and because I'm an enabler, I stuck around for it. Pretty pathetic.

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GENDER BIAS
Numerous men have come in here and been offended that the abusers are referred to as "he" in many of these articles. I want to make it perfectly clear that I am well aware of the fact that female abusers exist and cause just as much devastation as their male counterparts. The sad fact is that there are more male abusers than female narcissists, but domestic homicide is the leading cause of death in women surpassing cancer and car accidents. A woman dies at the hands of her significant other every 6 days, and when you look at the stats for the whole world it is even more bleak. Worldwide, a woman dies every day due to domestic homicide. One in 3 women will experience abuse in her life. It is a plague on society worldwide, causing devastation and ruining lives of men and women. Abuse is an equal opportunity scourge, abusers don't care what color, nationality, religion, age, health condition or socio-economic status, or gender the victim is, the only prerequisite a victim must have is a heart and empathy.
Replacing he or him with she or her as you read is simple enough. Please remember these articles are NOT written by me but shared as supportive information. Thank you.

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