My Grandmother Does Not Endorse This "Bachelor Pad" Blog Entry

Now, I consider myself a very patient person, and I know that I could wait for however long it's necessary to get what I truly want. But sometimes, that patience is tested, as it was over this past week as I waited for both Jake's (possible?) departure from Bachelor Pad, and the announcement of the new Dancing with the Stars cast. With Jake promising that "he was going to take people down with him" (and visions of a horror movie-like massacre opening this week's episode (as Bachelor Pad has already done its best to completely suck (oops, I meant "completely suck my soul")) and the promise of the "most talked about cast of Dancing ever" (with my hopes that, a la Publisher's Clearinghouse, Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke (shudder) would show up at my door, "Kevin M. Kawa, for your diligent, intelligent and informed work blogging about Dancing, we'd like to announce you as part of this season's cast"), last night couldn't come soon enough. Thankfully, my wait was awarded with... well, Jake leaving with his dignity, a bunch of people talking about "feelings(?!?)" and Dancing's most "who's that?" cast ever (and I'm miffed that I wasn't even asked, once again, to this season's "Press Conference," where I could've asked hard-hitting questions like "so, with such high unemployment throughout the U.S., why do you still employ Brooke Burke, as there has to be multiple brain-dead, couch-fabric wearing, line-tripping over former E! hostesses out there begging for a job?"). Or, at least, I would've been a little bit more stylish than the Entertainment Weekly "reporter" who looked like she just woke up and only had one clean sweatshirt to wear. Whereas you'll have to wait for my pre-season Dancing blog, complete with everyone's (wait, what's the singular of "everyone") favorite part, my blind final three, until tomorrow, we can jump right into last night's Bachelor Pad.

Well, not everyone can be as good a kisser as me.

After Jake was eliminated, he gave his "farewell speech," telling everyone that they "had a chance to do something really big and really special, but it didn't happen," forgetting that nothing "really big" or "really special" has ever happened on Bachelor Pad. Unless the "really big" thing he was referring to was Princess Tiara's boobs and the "really special" thing was, well, I got nothing. Instead of going out kicking and screaming (my hopeful way that he was going to go out), Jake, in my eyes, got the ultimate revenge, saying "Robot Voice Guy, amazing meeting you. Paris, my apologies. My heart, forgiven." Now I spent too much of my life following that trying to figure out whose heart was forgiven, and who forgave said forgiven heart, but Jake did go out pretty classy. Well, at least until he got in the limo, where the "gentle" Jake façade cracked, with him saying the he was happy to be away from that "f*cking crazy house" while giving a visual representation of that craziness with his face. And in his soul. So with Robot Voice Guy and Paris getting their wish (with Robot Voice Guy saying "Well guess what? You're a jackass, dude. Go kick rocks."), the couple spent the rest of the episode, well, off-camera, because they are now the most boring couple on the show, no longer allowing their mutual hate of Jake to be used as foreplay.

Yes, we all threw up a little in our mouths during this episode.

But as is usually the case on Bachelor Pad, one instance of sloppiness got quickly replaced with another instance of sloppiness, with this week's Challenge/Competition being the Kissing Contest, which, according to Chris Harrison, was last season's cast's favorite competition. Robot Voice Guy instantly said that he is out, because he thinks all the other girls are gross (probably not) and Paris will kill him if he kisses another girl (probably yes), as does Prettier Maria Menounos, who "wants to be a good example for her six-year-old daughter" (discounting the whole "appearing on Bachelor Pad" thing in the first place). First up were the guys, each kissing a blindfolded girl, one at a time. (Because it'd be creepy any other way. Ok, creepier.) Basically, with all of the guys showing "respect" to the guys with girlfriends on the show, the guys, in The Runaway Bride's words, "kissed like grandmas today." Well, everyone other than The Dentist, who knows a thing or two about oral hygiene (later telling a furious Ugly and Old Gwyneth Paltrow, quite hilariously, that he has "40 more seconds," while brushing his teeth), with Mama a little red and flustered, post-kiss, saying that her kiss with The Dentist "was one of those baby-makin' kisses." With none of the other girls knowing how to kiss, the Competition came down to Mama, with her "a-little-bit-of-pressure-pull-back-sucking-on-the-lips-not-too-much-tongue move," versus Princess Tiara, with her "yes-I-really-am-trying-to-remove-your-face-with-my-lips technique," with Holiday Sweater calling his kiss with her "aggressive... and a little sloppy... and her boobs were touching me" (while making that last part sound like the worst part of the kiss). Obviously, sexy wins every time over sloppy, so both Mama and The Dentist won the contest in "a landslide."

No one was too pleased upon finding out that Chris Harrison was going to be the "warm-up lips."

For her date, Mama picked Holiday Sweater, for a pretty ho-hum date, where the two ate s'mores, bored us again with their life stories, and took to a hot air balloon, precariously positioned about five feet off the ground. Though they kissed, and solidified themselves as a "couple," it seemed more like "we're in a hot air balloon, full on s'mores and boxed wine, so let's mack" than a real romantic connection. Whereas Mama's date was low-key, everything leading up to The Dentist's one-on-one was less so, with Ugly and Old Gwyneth Paltrow saying "we're gonna go on this date" while The Dentist was going "cough, cough, no we're not... cough." The Dentist was caught between one crazy rock, Ugly and Old Gwyneth Paltrow, and another, equally crazy rock with boobs, Princess Tiara, who decided that the way to The Dentist's heart was what looked like a poor massage. And as the master of poor massage, I should know! AND, at the same time, The Dentist wanted to take The Runaway Bride on the date, which could lead to scorn from the rest of the house, a teeth-knocking out punch by Break Dance Instructor, and well, a pretty great date between the two. So, with The Dentist saying that he likes "to think outside of the box," he eventually asked The Runaway Bride on the date. Ugly and Old Gwyneth Paltrow then spent the rest of the episode telling everyone what a tool The Dentist was, however, the only thing I could really feel sympathy for was the yogurt that she positively spooned to death. I might, out of anguish for that poor yogurt (IQ equivalent to some of The Pad's contestants), even yelled out "ease up on the 'gurt."

Jeez, girls are so mean. It's not like she doesn't own a pink shirt, so no need to gang up on her.

For the date, The Dentist and The Runaway Bride took to the mountains for a little skiing, and a lot of laughing. The couple seemed to leave all the craziness of the house behind, especially when The Dentist started putting the moves on her, moves that I have already perfected: knocking the girl over multiple times, giving her noogies, and, if there is snow, pushing some down the front of her shirt. Now yes, these are moves that I've been using since 2nd grade, but they sure have served me well throughout the years. I mean, don't let the fact that I watch Bachelor Pad, alone, while finishing off a box of wine (and crying myself to sleep) make you believe that my moves are less than stellar. That's a life choice! While the two were barely talking about Break Dance Instructor (with The Runaway Bride pretty much over him), he was actually back, in the mansion, shirtless (with some other shirtless dudes), pining over his lost love: "I can't believe that she wouldn't consider my feelings at all, and be like, I went on the overnight with another dude" while we cut back, to the date, in time to see the light in the couple's room turn off. (Leading me from laughing (at Break Dance Instructor) to going "bom chick wah wah" (to the "if this cabin is a'rockin'") and back to laughing (at Break Dance Instructor). (It was a busy night.)) When the couple returned the next morning, Break Dance Instructor ran to her, and expressed his feelings about the two, which I was not listening to because I just couldn't get "dude, that is the worst bald spot comb-over I've ever seen" out of my mind. You're not fooling anyone, Break Dance Instructor!

In recognition of how widespread and influential Primetime Rewind is, the producers of Bachelor Pad decided to number each guy to make it easier for fans to correlate guy to nickname.

As has been the case each week, Robot Voice Guy was on the "chopping block," with his challenger this week being "Prince" William (who I forgot was still on the show). Not to be outdone by other contestants stories of what they'll do with the $250K if they win it (buy a house, repay their parents, donate to charity (whereas all of them, interestingly enough, have left out "liquor purchases, tattoos/boob jobs and tanning beds"), Robot Voice Guy devised a way for him to remain in the game, telling a couple of house-mates "I'm not trying to sell a story but just know that the money is necessary for my grandma to live." Here's a tip: when you're trying to sell people a phony story, don't start by telling them you're not trying to sell them a story. Oh, and don't use a story invented by another infamous reality show contestant, Johnny Fairplay. And don't use a story that every kid has used to skip school. Poor grandma... if you only knew how many times you were in the hospital throughout my youth. But these geniuses obviously bought it, leaving "Prince" William as this week's male bootee, whereas, on the female side, everyone finally had enough of Ugly and Old Gwyneth Paltrow, with even Graham Cracker saying "Oh God, tell this girl to get away from me." Both bootees ended up crying in the limo, as did I when I was left without an Alone Ranger closing sequence this week. Oh yeah, and because I realized that I just wasted another two hours of my life.