If KingPyle is bothering you, a list of her sockpuppets and some explanation is linked in my profile. Otherwise, carry on.

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[pinkette]

Anime hair colors are pretty obviously purely visual aesthetics and not literal. Drawing attention to them in this way is very awkward.

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Ash will also be slightly more mature, though he’s still a kid and will make rash decisions. Additionally, let me be honest and say that someone that enthusiastic about Pokémon will never pass up the chance to study under Professor Oak when given the chance, so that’s changed.]

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[That’s not what I was expecting the Zoroark thought to herself]

The narration here needs punctuation, as well.

[Zoroark assumed a position on all fours]

This is one of the reasons why proper capitalization of pokemon is important: there is no article before “Zoroark” here, so is that her name now? You’re less likely to confuse yourself and readers if you keep species uncapitalized and give specific characters proper names.

[her attacks weakened effects.]

You want an apostrophe after “attacks” here, to denote possession.

[He’s quite handsome actually. Even when he’s all beat up… She thought to herself.]

This is pretty weird. If you want to make a point that this is a moral choice she’s making, having it come down to superficial lust undermines that. Unless this is a fetish thing, I’d recommend rethinking this.

It’s also interesting to me that she considers lucario good prey – they’re part steel-type, which, given it gives them vulnerability to fire and fighting techniques, implies the steelness goes deeper than just the few superficial bits we see, so some parts should be indigestible to a purely organic pokemon. Even if not, they’re very lean and wiry. You do note that the zoroark is very hungry, but I think it would be a good detail to explicitly note that this isn’t her normal prey and she’s only doing this because she’s desperate.

[Oh Arceus why can’t I do this?]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. For an Unovan pokemon in particular, there ought to be many other gods she has greater connection to.

[The Lucario slowly opened one eye in shock as he felt her claw drop away. He saw her head slouch down followed by something he never expected her to do: she began to cry.]

You seem to change POVs here, which is jarring. It’s easier to follow a story if we stay in the same headspace throughout. If you want to change POVs, you should add a scene break so the reader knows something has changed.

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[A group of people were standing on a hilltop overlooking Pallet Town one gray morning. They had been sent from headquarters on a mission: Retrieve as many Pokémon from as many trainers as possible as a group and take good care of them. The people were wearing black uniforms with a big red letter R on them. They had gray gloves and boots as well as black caps.]

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but making description engaging is a difficult skill. Notice how these sentences are very simple, like you’re just reading items off a checklist. That isn’t very engaging to readers. A technique you might find helpful is describing people as they’re doing things, as that mixes basic details with action and keeps us engaged with both. You should also try to focus on details that are important to the character or story, or describe them with imagery that connects to the character’s personality.

[The first man chuckled then said, “We’re from an evil organization called Team Rocket. Our mission is to steal Pokémon that are powerful and rare.”

“Then, we’ll use their power to take over the world,” finished the second man.]

It’s very silly that people would actually say this. Even mobsters don’t talk like this. A radical cult like Team Magma might, but they wouldn’t think they were evil. This makes them look like ineffectual villains, because blabbing about your master plan is a very stupid thing to do.

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[She, like most pokemon in the current age, was bipedal. Wearing a dark blue sweater and black pants, she carried a bag of groceries in one hand, and her daughter in the other.]

So… she’s a human with magic powers, then.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. If your pokemon characters are acting exactly like humans, why not write them as humans? I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead.

[‘She looks just like me..’ The Ninetails thought]

This ellipses is missing one dot.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes following your dialogue too much work to keep reading.

Images don’t display on this site. You want Archive of Our Own for that.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Unless this is part of a series, you don’t need to put “chapter 1” in the title. You should post additional chapters as part of the same story, not as separate stories.

[Chapter 1. We learn about our protagonist Max, his Pokemon and the beginning of his new adventure. This is my first attempt at a story.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Putting the title in the story body is kinda redundant with the title at the top.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[ new law was passed in recent years that the age to officially become a Pokemon Trainer is now 15 years of age.]

Okay so the question is, what does this add? We already know 10-year-olds can handle the obstacles of a trainer journey fine, so it’s a foregone conclusion that a 15-year-old will have even fewer problems. This implies an uneventful story, because obstacles are what plot is made of. If you just want to write about an older protagonist, it’s fine to write about an established trainer.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[to place it’s flame]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

This whole conversation is incredibly bizarre and makes Veruca look like a power-tripping dick. If he’s been accepted, not only should he be the first to know, it would be fine for him to ask Veruca for permission to transfer, because that’s how this normally works. What if he didn’t actually want to make the move yet? It should be his choice to leave, not forced on him by Veruca.

[Arceus bless that woman.]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[No dad it wasn’t just that]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is a decent opening in that it’s different from how these stories normally begin, but we still don’t have much idea of what this story will be about. Is the research job going to be the crux of the plot, or is it going to just be a plot device to get Max to do the same journey as always? I might be interested in the former, but not the latter. Similarly, Max feels like a pretty bland protagonist – he’s just been characterized as a typical enthusiastic, cheerful sort, and I can’t get a grasp on what makes him unique or what his character arc is going to look like.

If this is your first story, I actually don’t recommend doing a trainer journey fic, as they’re actually extremely hard to do on account of how long they are. To practice, it’s better to start with shorter, more manageable stories first. These forum threads may be helpful:

If KingPyle is bothering you, a list of her sockpuppets and some explanation is linked in my profile. Otherwise, carry on.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[I was surrounded by nothing but white, I didn’t know what to expect from death]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Team meteor]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Team Meteor”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

Generally, this is pretty confusing. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you with grammar so this is a little more comprehensible.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Crushing my heart.]

This is a sentence fragment.

[I couldn’t sit in a chair aof course]

Typo.

This is accumulating more typos as I continue. You need to proofread more thoroughly, or get a beta reader to help you.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. If your pokemon characters are acting exactly like humans, why not write them as humans? I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[A story about an unconventional character who risks it all to become one of the greats.]

This is a pretty vague summary; it tells us little more than your genre. How is this character “unconventional”? If you say outright that this is about a pokemon character, I guarantee you you’ll get a lot more attention, because that’s an interesting subject.

[and rumor had it: it was exclusively the only place in the world we existed anymore.]

You don’t need a colon here.

[I barely believed it since I mostly heard it from the puny magnemite; electromagnetic morons that hovered around with their anti-gravity, and acted like they rule the city.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. A comma would work here. You also don’t need that last comma.

[I eyeballed the voltorb on either side of me, some were overindulging.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. “Some of which were…” would work.

[no circuit breaker to prevent us from the dangers of excess currents]

This is a nice detail. It’s really cool to see subtly different traits even within the same group of pokemon.

[Rolling around on dirt, well grass, but essentially ground sapped my energy.]

Another interesting detail, but it feels a little incongruous when you’re otherwise so good at incorporating real electronics facts into their physiology. Ground beating electric was always one of the silliest things in Pokemon; it’s based more on word symbolism than on any physical meaning. Pokemon are magic, though, so it can be cool to imagine them as less dependent on physical laws and more on symbolic ones.

[Then I remembered something about a “nighttime”]

You should have a period after this, as it’s a complete sentence.

[“What in the world?” The male human said]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I’d heard human voices all my life through the frequently interrupting FM radio waves, and understood most of the words.]

[I was too weak to prevent the creature from rolling me around, and it seemed to absorb my light contact-static.]

I feel like a sentence is missing before this – you go straight from them talking to saying the other pokemon is currently rolling them. Another sentence explaining that the pokemon grabbed hold of them would make this clearer.

This is a really neat fic! I’ve seen very few stories like this, and you’re going into the pokemon’s thoughts and physiology in more detail than I’ve seen in most. I love imagining how unusual, inorganic pokemon like voltorb might live, and you provide a lot of great details while also characterizing Luminary well.

You really do need to fix up those grammar errors, though – the story is very hard to follow in some places. I’d recommend getting a beta reader if you have trouble.

I also felt that this was a bit sparse on description. You convey Luminary’s thoughts very well, but sometimes it feels too much like we’re just in their head – there’s not much transition between scenes and areas or description of surroundings and events, so it can be hard to picture what’s going on.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[A girl in a wheelchair and her rufflet dream of becoming the Pokemon Champion of the Nivalhiem region, but will the challenges that await her prove too much?]

Oh, that’s interesting. Disabled protagonists are rare.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Her parents were always so busy working in other towns that she lived by herself all the time, she would bathe herself]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Of course it was a little hard considering she was a cripple. But she worked through it.]

…How, though, exactly? Taking care of yourself without the ability to even stand is more than just “a little” hard. I’d like to know exactly what tribulations she’s going through and how she’s coping with them. If you’re going to write a disabled character, you should commit to it instead of handwaving their problems away as non-issues, because that’s extremely disrespectful to the hardships the disabled go through.

[Determination in her eyes.]

This is a sentence fragment.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The trainer would be known throughout the world as Elohim]

Uh, wow, someone’s parents had high expectations of him.

[She wore her favorite jeans, green t-shirt, and pale cardigan. She affixed a backpack to the back of her wheelchair. She had long blonde hair and erin green eyes. Her skin was pale and smooth.]

So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. Notice how these sentences do absolutely nothing to advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re going to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly in the next paragraph. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid. Try weaving the description into the story – you could describe her as she’s getting ready for the day, for instance, and you could focus on aspects that are relevant to her personality instead of just listing everything at once.

[As time went on the professor kept rambling about what they were going to do blah blah blah this and that.

Eventually the trio got bored of his speech and started getting ready to leave.]

If you’re getting bored of something, that’s a sign your readers are too. Everyone reading this is already familiar with the basic setup; the only significant information are the parts unique to Nivalheim, and you don’t need a full speech for that – you could mention it in narration, even.

[I’m trying to challenge the Nivalian Pokemon League..]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

Despite the intense action that occurs in this chapter, this whole thing feels strangely emotionless and robotic. You’re using incredibly simple sentences that convey little more than what’s literally happening. In a limited-perspective story, the narration should reflect the protagonist’s thoughts and emotions, but that’s not happening here. I get little sense of emotional connection to what’s going on; this reads like a summary of events rather than a story. This is a common obstacle for amateur writers, but I encourage you to try varying your sentences more so you can practice this skill. Published books can also give you examples of how to do this.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Nuzlockes really don’t work as a fic conceit. Taken literally, the world just won’t function – pokemon die too fast for there to be established trainers. If you apply it as a curse for only the main character, it means every battle is either a victory or a catastrophe, so it’s pretty obvious they’re going to win almost every one. Even just using the shape of your own game to determine when deaths occur while letting wins and losses happen normally the other times means that your pacing is shot because the deaths are now random as opposed to fitting with the flow of the rest of the story.

[Writing as I play so who knows what happens! Certainly not me!]

This is also a very troubling statement, and means you’ll run headlong into even more problems. Clever Nuzlocke stories will create characterization and foreshadowing post-hoc based on who died in their game, but you can only do that AFTER you have the whole picture. If you’re writing by the seat of your pants, this is just going to be a string of fight scenes with random deaths, and that doesn’t work as a narrative.

Bolding dialogue is extremely jarring and unnecessary.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Fine.” My mother wiggled and jumped from the couch with enthusiasm. “Yay! He’ll be coming in three days. I’ll help you get ready for your trip. I’m so excited for you!”]

The mother’s dialogue needs a new paragraph, since it’s a new speaker.

[Hey mom.]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

And this goes on to be the exact same opening as every trainer fic ever, right down to just getting the pokemon from the professor instead of the actually interesting scenario shown in the games. That makes this far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Something that isn’t what everyone reading this has already seen a dozen times before, for instance. What makes your story different, unique? Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[“Alright Slaking!” The tall Trainer yelled.]

Dialogue rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Alright Slaking!” the tall trainer yelled.]

You seem to have forgotten to remove your outline notes. There are lots of spoilers here.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s also only ever “pokemon” – the singular is also the plural.

[can not be ]

You want “cannot”, one word.

[Pokemons are living beings who walked on the Earth before and after the existence of man]

[This led to a progressively reduction of animals in the last three centuries of existence of the human race.]

This confuses me. If pokemon always existed, and were always superior to animals, then shouldn’t they have outcompeted animals a long time ago? If humans are meant to be the catalyst here, it’d be clearer to say that more explicitly.

In English, dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You have some strange tenses and conjugations as well that make the story a little confusing. Additionally, in English, there is never a space between the last word of a sentence and punctuation. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

42 Comments

Top one is a screen shot showing that two months ago that you should be removed off the site. Notice that they replied to the report about you.

Second link is shots showing that no these are not faked. Even a forgery would have alterations to the pixels. So, yes these are real you should have been removed and as an added bonus the admins confirm that the claims of “sock puppets” are mostly false.

Now on for the responses

“This doesn’t change anything!”

No it just means you spent months creating a lie while also reviewing despite the fact you should have been removed.

The admins are implying that all your so called proof is utter nonsense. Elmo has the link on their account and they can check each of the names listed. If, of course, you were correct then this act should have removed all of them and me.

“Why wait now?”

Because it’ clear you are doubling down extremely to the point that I can’t in good conscious let you continue to make a mistake.

“You complained about Support being useless!”

Given that happened thanks to the two month spam bot that seemed to never die.

Go ahead say whatever and do whatever just remember that I made no lie.

Also, and I know I shouldn’t expect you to make sense but it just nags me, if you’re arguing that Support would fail to take action for two months, then why would it prove anything that your accounts weren’t deleted? Obviously, they were completely convinced by your email screenshot and deleted your account, but glitches made it fail.

Look, I don’t know what you’re even doing anymore. You know I know. You know I saw the IP addresses, you know you claimed your Mega Sevenways fimfic account on one of the 45s – you know you deleted that account for that very reason, after spending a long time crying about how I’d hacked some post of yours on my forum to say lies because you couldn’t edit away the incriminating data. I can understand frantically lying to other people that this isn’t true, but why do you keep trying to convince me?

I can understand frantically lying to other people that this isn’t true, but why do you keep trying to convince me?

One this isn’t a lie. It’ actual evidence that your whole claim is false. You know something that any rational person would have pointed out. Though given how irrational you have been acting as if late I am not surprised you want to deny everything.

It’s almost certainly legitimate text because they’re really not capable of typing straight long enough to fake that. It seems like it’s the email response they got when asking for the Final Fight 45 account to be deleted because they stupidly said under that name “Hello I’m Mega SevenWays56 on Fimfiction I wrote 22 stories spent time on TV tropes to understand tropes, cliche and what not to better myself. I know this is hard for you to understand but the little since nonsense is literally nonsense.”

The reason so much of the email’s data is obscured is more likely because they got the 45 account deleted way back in August (which, by amazing coincidence, is the date on the screenshot) which was then confirmed by the second screenshot where it’s dated last night and puts the time as August 14th, or “six days” before August 20th.

You might think this is a super pointless lie but it makes precisely as much sense as their previous statement that I had been taken to court and got an internet ban and had to pay tons and tons of “dollies” in damages.

It seems like it’s the email response they got when asking for the Final Fight 45 account to be deleted

No it’s the response to St Elmo’s Fire. I know you are in denial but this is Some next level.

You might think this is a super pointless lie but it makes precisely as much sense as their previous statement that I had been taken to court and got an internet ban and had to pay tons and tons of “dollies” in damages.

And you were already told by another user that they made it up and told me about it.

I gave you proof that the admins Don’t believe you and you spit into it. Like always.

Still waiting for the converstaion where the admins specifically said our evidence against you was false.

You literally just saw them say you are deleted for a link on your profile with a list of names that they can check to verify that this is indead what happens. I am starting to wonder if you Don’t know what implications mean.

Hybrid, an email from the support team saying that an account has been deleted does not tell me anything when the reason for the deletion is not even there. Your claim of Elmo still existing because of a glitch is not believable because it shouldn’t take TWO MONTHS for the people who manage the site to take care of this particular problem, especially when they supposedly confirmed they were going to do it.

And before you accuse me of mocking you, you should start reading the things you say. I don’t even need to mock you (and I prefer not to) when your rants barely make any sort of sense. Your arguments lack immense amounts of logical thinking and that is always why someone is able to brush you off.

And you received the CONFIRMATION email CONFIRMING that they deleted the account. They would not send you an email in the first place unless they were certain it was done. This occured BEFORE the Spam Bot affair happened.

Sevenways, stop reporting St Elmo’s Fire’s comments and other people’s to hide them. I get that you’re a total hypocrite but you should be able to figure out it won’t actually make the comments go away.

Pointing at stuff I post publicly continues to not be the shocking expose you think it is.

I am “censoring” you because you are banned here and are using IP spoofing to get around it to keep harassing us. I do not tolerate you attacking bystanders and wasting their time with bad-faith arguments.

Don’t you get it? Anyone is allowed to say anything they want anywhere they want, or it’s censorship. Unless it’s you reviewing fics at ff.net. Then it’s bullying and you should be censored rightfully banned.

Uh… I don’t believe that’s true. I believe since this is a private website, they are allowed to censor what they say. And you’re really not allowed to say anything you want anywhere. If you were allowed to say anything anywhere, people would have massive butthurt.