Joe Simpson (Jessica's dad, duh) was arrested August 4 after taking a voluntary breathalyzer at a checkpoint on Ventura Blvd. He spent a night in jail and today was charged with two misdemeanor counts of driving under the influence. If convicted, he could face six months of jail time, a fine, and probation.

"He had had a couple of glasses of wine at dinner with his wife. They were driving home and he went through a check point a few blocks from the restaurant," a source close to Joe Simpson tells PEOPLE. "He took a breathalyzer voluntarily thinking nothing of it. He was surprised to know that he was over the limit. He learned a very important lesson from it all."

The only thing I can ever think about when I hear the name "Joe Simpson" is that time he rhapsodized about the magnificence of his daughter's gigantic teenage breasts. Remember that? Did I make that up? It was gross. [People]

Abby Elliott is leaving Saturday Night Live after four seasons. A second-generation SNL'er (her dad is Chris Elliott, in case you didn't know that AMAZING FACT), Elliott is maybe best known for impressions of Angelina Jolie and Zooey Deschanel. NBC has "no comment" on her departure. Here she is bein' quirky. [NYT]

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Irrepressible flaxen-haired dicksack Dave Mustaine told an audience that he believes Barack Obama staged the recent mass shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin because he is "trying to pass a gun ban." YES. GREAT POINT. Mustaine continued, "I don't know where I'm gonna live if America keeps going the way it's going because it looks like it's turning into Nazi America." In closing, here is a really fantastic piece of writing about Dave Mustaine being a dicksack. [TMZ]

You guys! Blossom got in a car accident and her finger came off!!! I think I speak for all of us when I say, "WHOA." Seriously, this is awful. Actress Mayim Bialik was driving through the intersection of Hollywood and La Brea when she was involved in some sort of frightening vehicular kerfuffle. A spatial misunderstanding, if you will. A witness says there was "'tons and tons of blood everywhere' and that Bialik's 'finger was almost completely severed ... it was just hanging there'." Oh dear. Speedy recovery, MB! I shall be thinking positive, tissue-fusing thoughts about your endangered finger. :( [DailyMail]

Fancy Hollywood hair stylist Ted Gibson is outraged about the criticisms of Gabby Douglas's hair: "I couldn't believe it and still can't. You have this young girl doing amazing things, and the conversation becomes about her hair? It was ridiculous and shameful." Then he...completely changed her hair so it's exactly how her hair critics wanted it to be. So. 'Kay. [Us]

Britney Spears was "all smiles" today and wore a "peach knee-length top with the sleeves rolled" but was "not wearing the 4-carat round Neil Lane diamond given to her by her fiance Jason Trawick," says this article accompanied by a large photo of Spears not smiling, clad in a gray tank top, and very clearly wearing her gigantic engagement ring. GOOD JORNALIZMS GUYS. [E!]

Michael Jackson's dad, Joe Jackson, has dropped his wrongful death lawsuit against wayward anesthesiologist Conrad Murray, "so he, his wife and children can focus on Michael Jackson's life instead of the circumstances of his death." [Yahoo!]

Jimmy Kimmel is marrying his head writer and he proposed to her in Africa. [Yahoo!]

Chad Ochocinco is super grateful to his fans for sticking with him even though he head-butted his wife and ruined her face: "I haven't had to tread water in a long time...special thank you to my fans...family...friends for keeping me afloat..." Yes. This must be very difficult. For you. And your intact face. [E!]

Arnold Schwarzenegger is apparently going "all out" for the Expendables 2, and by "all out" he means his penis. [Express]

"It's also been nice being able to thrust food into my mouth." - Benedict Cumberbatch, on thrusting [Express]

If it were legal I would marry this photo of Jennifer Garner hugging Victor Garber and weeping with joy—and I don't mean that in, like, a cutesy ha-ha fake-marriage kind of way. I mean that I would literally fuck it. [E!]