Weekend Watch List: GOOOOOOOLD!!!!!

Receive the latest popcornbiz updates in your inbox

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home this weekend and paint that bird house. It’s so small. It can’t be that much of an effort to paint it. (cut to five hours later) GAHHHH WHY CAN’T YOU REACH THE CREVICES?! This stuff will NEVER wash off! LET’S GO!

SECRETS OF THE MOUNTAIN – 7:00PM Friday (NBC)

I know the mountain’s secret. When it was a little hill, it was a member of the Hitler Molehill Youth! It’s true! Don’t try and deny it, mountain! I know a geological feature with a Nazi past when I see one. Anyway, this TV movie stars Barry Bostwick and Page Turco and it’s about a family looking for treasure in a mountain. NAZI TREASURE?! No, no. Just regular treasure.

I wish I could go on a treasure hunt sometime. Those guys at the beach with the metal detectors? Laugh at them all you like, but you know darn well it would be fun to root around with one of those things and stumble upon a chest full of gold bullion. I’ve always hoped I had a crazy uncle who showed up to my door one day with one eye missing and a faded map in his hand. Alas, it was not to be. When I die, I’m burying my money somewhere in Idaho. To find it, my family must decipher a series of riddles, each more puzzling than the next. Then, and only then, will they get my priceless trove of Old Navy t-shirts. ANTICIPATION: M MARKS THE MOUNTAIN!

The chefs become unwitting participants in a murder mystery party. Really? They throw these kinds of parties in Beverly Hills? Are we sure these aren’t the private chefs of Kansas City? I guess 90210 isn’t as raging as I once assumed. ANTICPATION: MURDER! AND SALMON PUFFS!

EASTERN PROMISES – 8PM Friday (FX)

Will they show the entire bath house scene? Because then you know cable REALLY has no restrictions on itself. ANTICIPATION: AHHHHH KNIFE TO THE EYE!

SNL – 11:30PM Saturday (NBC)

Your host is Ryan Phillippe, and your musical guest is Ke$ha. My 4-year-old likes dancing to “TiK ToK”. That can’t be a good sign. ANTICIPATION: PLEASE GET THAT SONG OUT OF MY SKULL

ACADEMY OF COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS – 8:00PM Sunday (CBS)

You keep that camera on Faith Hill, CBS. You never know when she’s liable to blow up. ANTICIPATION: FEUDIN’!

Published at 12:41 PM EDT on Apr 16, 2010 | Updated at 2:41 PM EDT on May 30, 2012