Every year I say something about hating Mother's Day and my sweet friends immediately start saying things about how I should love it

because I am a mother and it's a day to honor me.

And to some extent they are right-

I am a mother and absolutely LOVE being Madison's mom.

I spent many years and lots of money and countless nights on my knees

praying to become a mother and I love being Madison's mom.

But here's the thing........

Mother's Day is a day to honor your mother.

And my mother isn't here.

The void left by that amazing woman-

the strongest, kindest, most loving woman I have ever known is huge.

I miss her every single solitary day with every single fiber of my being.

Sometimes I feel the pain of her absence so strongly, so deeply that I feel that it will overtake me.

I so often think of all the stories I never got to hear her tell, the trips we never got to take, the conversations we never got to have, the memories we never got to make, the projects we never got to do, the meals we never got to make, the holidays we never got to share, all the lessons she never got to teach me, the laughs and tears we never got to share and I feel so cheated.

I so often think of all the amazing things about her and

all that was lost when she died.

The world was truly a better place with her in it.

My world was a better place with her in it.

And it sucks that the world no longer has her.

That I no longer have my biggest cheerleader and most amazing

role model, comforter, and protector.

And to be honest sometimes it makes me angry.

I so often think that I was robbed of such an amazing mother. I was not prepared or ready at the age of 32 to lose my mother-

not that you ever are.

I wasn't done growing up, I wasn't done needing her,

I wasn't done being taught by her,

I wasn't done loving her and being loved by her.

Every single time I watch Maddie dance I cry because my mom never got to see her dance and I know how much she would have absolutely loved it.

She never got to truly know the girl that is

my beautiful, amazing, precious, funny daughter.

Although she has memories of my mother and pictures of her and

we try hard to tell her stories and all the wonderful things about my mother,

she does not truly know the wonderful woman that was her Nana.

And I hate, hate, hate that.

So please forgive me if hate this holiday.

I'm sorry but being reminded of the huge void left by amazing mother

is not something I can celebrate.

I'll spend much of the day in tears wishing I had

just another minute with my sweet mama.

Just one more hug.

One more time to hold her hand.

One more time to hear her voice.

Please forgive me for that and please understand

and not try to convince me to feel otherwise.

And if you are still lucky enough to have your sweet mama,

please please please treasure every moment you are blessed to have her.

32 comments:

I was 33 when my mom died and truth is, we didn't get along all that well. But I was only 12 when my dad died and that is a hole in my life that has never been filled.Sounds like your mom was a lovely woman!

I can understand you perfectly, I feel something like you.Life has that mixture of celebration and sorrow...I keep with what you said, those who still have their moms, Enjoy her! And those who are mums (like me or you) enjoy that too!!! ♥

And though I still have my mom, I'm crying with you and for all of the children that I've walked through the death of their moms. And for the painful day that Sunday will be . . . and all of the activities that lead up to Sunday . . . as you said, a HUGE void. May prayers are coming your way today . . . for tomorrow. . . . and the next day and the next. Stay strong, enJOY your girl and be your mom's legacy!

Thank you for your honest words. They brought tears to my eyes for two reasons. One, because I still have my mom and am so grateful for our relationship and that makes me extra sad for you. And two, Jack's mother died when he was 2 and his sisters were teens and I know they feel much like you do. I'm always aware of those without their moms on Mother's Day. Love you!

I can't imagine a mother's day without my mom. However, I do believe that if she was saved she's with Jesus looking down on you and sweet Madison. She's smiling and happy. I hope that makes you smile. I hope this Mothers day you are blessed with extra big hugs.

Thanks for your honesty. Tomorrow is the first Mother's Day without my Mother and I wish I could just skip the day totally. This week leading up has really stunk. I truly believe that she is with Jesus & that I'll see her again one day, but that doesn't help the raw, gaping wound that she left. I will be thankful for her life and that God has given me the privilege of being a Mother... but it's hard. Sweet blessings to you.

Oh My goodness. I almost did not read this because I am in the middle of an insane weekend. I hate mother's day, too. And, it breaks my heart cause my two girls get so excited about it. I lost my happy, healthy Mom suddenly in a freak carbon monoxide accident in her home. My girls were only 10 months old and 3. It happened 6 years ago and it is still raw. I have to resist the urge to sob each time I get a "Don't forget your Mom" email this month and I want to pop all the balloons at the grocery store. My Mom was my best friend my entire life and she is missing everything with my girls and I am so sad and bitter. I know I was blessed to have her for those 34 years, but I wanted more. I needed more. Thank you for this post because even though it made me cry, it made me feel like I was not alone in my horror of tomorrow. Kristi (4th grade teacher Kolling)

I know it's not at all the same thing, but for 17 years of my 19 year marriage, we were childless, and not by choice. We're now foster parents, and gearing up for for parents' rights to be terminated. After having our kids 2 years, they STill may go back to a bad situation.

I have my mom, and I cherish her deeply. I am so sorry for your loss, and I just wanted to share that Mother's Day is BRUTAL to so many, and for different reasons.

Praying for you to get through the rest of the weekend, and for peace to reign in your heart.

Thank you, though, for your honesty. It is rare that we find a post that explores such raw emotions, especially about a holiday that is supposed to be a celebration. Thanks, too, for the reminder to cherish my mother while she is still here.

I too lost my mom very close to Mother's Day six years ago. And you're right - I'm almost 41 and even though I didn't have that amazing relationship with her, I wasn't ready to lose her. For many people (the moms who gave their babies up for adoption or had to give up custody or suffered stillbirths or multiple miscarriages or who simply didn't have that Norman Rockwell fantasy family life or couldn't get it right for WHATEVER reason) Mother's Day is just another reminder of what you didn't/don't/won't get. But if you're a woman you're expected to bask in the glory of it all. (note dripping sarcasm)

I'm glad I have to work today and I can't wait for this day to be over.

Here's hope for a better tomorrow for all who may be similarly situated.

(I would actually prefer to swear at you a LOT here, but for the sake of my comment remaining intact, I will hold back from what I really want to say.)

This is happening to me all too much this year. Every year, I go onto Google and search for "I hate Mother's Day" in hopes of finding other grieving women in my situation, and in prior years, I always have, and sharing my experience with these women was a source of comfort - I FINALLY did not feel alone; however, this year, all that I keep finding is posts from MOTHERS. Whining because they want this or that, but they'll only get macaroni art (I wish that I had a child to give me macaroni art). About how they just want a day away from their children (I want to slap the womens' faces who say this), and now this one. I think that you are one hundred percent perfectly UNGRATEFUL, and that instead of complaining about how your mother is gone (sorry, but everyone leaves this planet at one point or another - it's nature - but most women are able to have children, and I am not).

I lost my mother when I was very young, so "Mother's Day," this pointless capitalist institution (mothers should be GRATEFUL for what they have every day) was already painful for me every year. I hated it. But then I grew up, and I became pregnant in 2004. Well, I delivered my stillborn son just three weeks before Mother's Day 2005. THREE WEEKS. I hated Mother's Day that year. I hated having advertisements thrown in my face and having my friends call me and tell me that it was okay, I would get pregnant again. F***ing WRONG THING TO SAY. But that isn't where it stops. I went on to have eight miscarriages, began looking into my options (IUI, IVF), and then I got cancer. Do you know what happened to me then? That's right, I had to have my woman parts removed, so now I will never conceive again. NO ADOPTION COMMENTS! It's not that easy to just go get a baby from an agency and it's not for everyone. IT'S OKAY THAT I AM GRIEVING NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE MY HUSBAND'S CHILD, and frankly, I am sick and tired of people saying, "Well there are so many children who need homes, why don't you be a good person and go get one?" Seriously? Google search "what not to say to an infertile woman," and ta-da. Right up there, buddy - adoption. On nearly, if not every, post.

It is not just Mother's Day, but every day that is hard for me. I can hardly even leave my house anymore because every time that I do, I am surrounded by pregnant women and women with babies. I have abandoned more than one cart in line when I got stuck behind said women. I have run out of more than one mall/restaurant/store when I saw these women. Now my husband does all of the shopping because it causes me too much anger, jealousy, hatred, and pain.

Yes, I would die to hear my child's voice, but all that exists is silence coming from the next room where my son's crib is still set up - the crib that I have spent countless hours crying next to. You can't even begin to imagine what I go through every day, and how "Mother's Day," and the month leading up to it, affects me.

I hate pregnant women. I hate mothers. I HATE MOTHER'S DAY, and I have a reason to hate it (oh yeah, I'm bitter). The loss of my mother would still affect me, I will admit, but I would cherish every moment that I had with my child and have a new found reason to soak up this "holiday" if I could at least have what YOU HAVE. So be grateful for being able to watch your daughter dance on this day, because I will never see my son, or my other would-have-been children, play even once.

^ I made a few grammar/syntax errors since I accidentally clicked "Publish" too quickly, but I also hastily wrote this whilst in tears and kind of just pounded it out without thinking. Ranted, if you will. All that I do all day long is hysterically sob, and there is no consoling me. Again, be grateful for what you DO HAVE, because I have neither a mother NOR a child. Overall, I wish that this holiday would disappear. It's not like Christmas, where Jewish people can CHOOSE to not celebrate. It absolutely excludes me on both ends; however, YOU are NOT excluded from it, and you should celebrate the joy of having a child. Period.

And also hopefully be sensitive to the fact that if you get a random glare from a woman in a store, then she is probably a bitter infertile, like me, so don't glare back. She is already being tortured and suffering just seeing you.

One more thing, and then I am deactivating my account and never returning to this blog again. I hate all holidays, not just Mother's Day. I hate them because I don't have children to celebrate them with, and they all emphasize "family, family, family." I have always felt empty around the holidays, and when I see mothers playing Santa, I want to throw up. Physically. I actually become ill. When I see mothers decorating Valentine's Day cards and hiding Easter eggs, I become ill. My body shakes with anger and envy. I used to like going to see fireworks on 4 July when I came here, but no more. Now I notice parents and children galore at every firework site. Halloween? I turn my porch light off and put up signs stating, "HOME OF BITTER INFERTILE. DO NOT ENTER." People might think that I am crazy, but whatever. If they can shove their motherhood in my face, then I can at least say that to prevent them from doing so on at least one day - you see, I have no children to dress up and take around. Thanksgiving? I don't dare to leave the house because grocery stores might as well be playgrounds - full of parents and children excitedly shopping for their "fixings."

You get the gist.

And I am actually sorry about the loss of your mother, but seriously, be grateful that you can BE a mother, because I will have to live the rest of my life without knowing what that is like (I got dogs when this happened to me, but whilst I love them, any infertile woman knows that it is not the same). I will have to keep suffering like this. I used to be a lovely person to be around - caring and sweet, always wanting to do whatever I could for other people - but this whole mess has made me hateful and spiteful, and seriously, I can't tolerate people like you (no offense, I mean people with children). I will never again be what I once was, but you don't have this cross to bare. You have a life full of blessings, so stop complaining and go enjoy it.

I also HATE Mothers Day But my mom is still here. I wish I had a great,loving,kind Mother that was just gone, because at least I would have great things to tell my son, and have great memories while knowing she’s still with me in spirit. I lost my dad at the age of 23yr and now 10yrs later it still hurts but I can still smile on father’s day because I have so many good memories. With mothers day I just want to stay in the bed and cry. I can’t say I have a great mom, she’s my best friend, she taught me this, she’s always there for me… Its so hard to see all these wonderful things that people have to say about their mom’s and I can’t relate to any. The best I can do was "she taught me how to cook" and that was probably only for her benefit. Everyone thinks I should celebrate because I’m a great mom, but its hard! I accept the gifts from my husband and son because I don’t want them feeling like I don’t appreciate it, but I hate the way this day makes me feel.

I agree this is my fifth May Day w/out my Mother! She will be gone from me exactly 5 years tomorrow. This has been the second hardest May Day since the first. I am so confused angry and souless. I have no one to talk to that can understand. It is a very BIZZARE feeling.

One i wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.... WTF?

Thank you for letting me share this. i think i feel better. or maybe the booze is finally kicking in

I'm so sorry that some inconsiderate, immature person left such awful comments. Wow! I doubt this person "Anonymous" has ever had a real relationship with anyone or she would have some sensitivity to the situation. My mom died when I was 29 years old and I can tell you it was heartbreaking. I was married and a mom, but I still needed her. It's really true. Mother's Day is so hard when your mom is gone from this life. Anyone who suggests otherwise is an ignoramus.

I have my mother still, and am grateful every day. I have however been without my father for 9 years now. I too miss him every day. I cherish the wonderful times we had together. He was the best father I have ever known.

So I understand your pain and sadness too well. I try to remember the good times, that seems to help a little.

everyone celebrates different. everyone grieves different. i still have my mother. i have 2 children, but i've lost 3 babies. i choose to celebrate those 3 babies because, although they were taken from me, they were given to me first by a tender and caring God who had better plans for those babies than living in a world that is so messed up. and i certainly think that how we react to things and deal with things says a lot about who we are. shannon, you are real. you have real emotions, real feelings, and genuine grievances about the loss of your mother. being a mom and not having a mom are completely different. i love mother's day because i still have both my mother and 2 children. but if my mom weren't here, although i'd still have my children and still BE a mother, i'd definitely view mother's day a whole new way. i think tatyana definitely needs our prayers. she obviously needs to know what love is. who God is. and the peace and comfort that can only come from Him. i love you, friend.

Thank you for putting words to my emotions. I am a mom of two beautiful boys and I cherish them and celebrate them and being their mom every day. But, 12 years ago when I was 24 (and single and childless) my mom died after a long 6 year battle with breast cancer. Mother's Day is hard for lots of people for lots of reasons and this post finally put words to my feelings that I haven't been able to express. Thank you for being honest.

you brought tears to my eyes...Thank God I still have my mother but I miss my father so much..He passed away 3 months before I gave birth to my son who I named him after my late father. it's been almost 3 years now but there are moments that feels like yesterday..Thank you for sharing and thank you for letting me share my emotions

Everything you wrote, is exactly how I feel at Mother's Day. I lost my mom a little over 2 years ago and life has not been the same since. I have 3 daughters who were lucky enough to have some time with their grandmother but I have nieces and nephews who sadly never got the chance to meet this amazing woman. You're words were comforting in letting me know that what I'm feeling each day is not out of the ordinary. I thought I was the only one who couldn't get over her death. Thank you for sharing your emotions.

I've been going through your blogs! Thanks for all the teacher things and the sweet blessing printables. But this post stopped me in my tracks. I feel the same way and next Sunday will walk through the third anniversary of mom's passing. God Bless!

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