Friday, July 12, 2013

What You Need To Know About A Man's Shoes

I was once told that the first thing women look at on a man are his shoes. This was said to me by a woman, just so we're clear, and according to her everything you need to know about a man can be discerned from this one item. Apparently, a man's footwear is the summation of his entire being. After she said this to me, I remember thinking "that's fucking stupid," but I didn't want to be rude so I remained silent. Fortunately, at the time of receiving this insight I was actually wearing flip flops, so I was thankful to have evaded her penetrating analysis (or could it be that she was analyzing my toes???!!!???). Regardless, now that many years have passed and this woman has long forgotten me, I think it's finally safe to come forward.

Here's what I think a man's shoes tell you about the man: nothing. It's not that a person's shoes don't reflect who they are - it's that there are a multitude of traits and characteristics to which a given pair of shoes could potentially allude. If a man is concerned with his image, his attire will certainly reflect that, and in turn, his shoes will probably look snazzy. But then the question is, why is he concerned with his image? Maybe such concern stems from his line of work and how he is perceived by his associates. Or, maybe he's simply an ego maniac who is obsessed with his image. So for those tempted to automatically conclude that a man with snazzy shoes is a respectable individual who takes pride in himself, always remember to consider the alternative possibility that he only cares about looking good and doesn't actually give a shit about you.

Taking another example, if a man is a complete mess in life, then his shoes may indeed be a mess as well. But slow it down Speed Racer, because embarrassing footwear could also be indicative that he's got larger priorities in life - maybe he spends his days volunteering at homeless shelters and simply doesn't have an interest in looking spiffy this evening. Moreover, don't discount the possibility that some may intentionally adorn a pair of shoes as a means of deception…that individual wearing Christian Louboutin red bottoms may not be as upscale as he appears, and for all you know those shoes may even trace back to a corpse in the trunk of a car somewhere (and this person is about to cut out your pancreas as soon as you get back to his place).

As a final example, if a man is wealthy, then he will very likely have nice and expensive shoes. But don't start fawning when you see a man with nice shoes out and about - for all you know, the money he spent on his shoe collection should have gone to paying the child support. How many wealthy scumbags can you think of?

I trust we all get the picture. In case anyone thought otherwise, the above is equally applicable to female footwear. And the same principle applies to suits, cars, and other items of status. Things are just things. Nothing more. In and of themselves, they can't tell you anything definitive about a person's past, present, or future standing, and they certainly can't tell you anything about the content of a person's character.

FYI, when it comes to me personally, I buy a new pair of shoes once my current footwear begins to get holes in them. What does that say about me?

I think female interest in a man's shoes can probably be explained by first understanding human sexuality -- specifically the rules that govern what biologists call 'mate selection'.

Whereas human males tend to select their mates based on looks, which serve as a rough indicator of overall health and genetic fitness, females look for indicators of social status/dominance. This may manifest in the Justin Bieber effect in extreme cases, but more usually can be seen as women expressing a preference for popular/wealthy men.

Any Martians observing humanity, in attempting to explain the utility of clothing -- a uniquely human phenomenon -- will likely interpret it as a means of conveying social information (in addition to the more obvious purpose of keeping us warm).

I don't know why shoes should carry more importance than other garments though -- that's a mystery to me. It may be a cultural thing rather than something innate.

Well it's important to make a distinction between women, and some women. Some women believe a man's shoes are the summation of his entire being…some don't. In the same way, some people (male or female) draw conclusions based on attire in general, or hair style, or accessories like watches, cars, etc. All I'm saying is that this kind of thinking (and the sweeping generalizations that result from it) is quite foolish and unfounded for a variety of reasons, and I'm baffled that there are some to whom this is not apparent.

As for Martian observers, they may also interpret clothing as a form of self-expression, which it most certainly can be. But if the Martians have time travel technology, then in their efforts to study human history (assuming they were interested in doing so), they would likely conclude clothing began out of a necessity to regulate body temperature, and somewhere along the way turned into a cultural perversion against sexuality, was then followed by a social permutation in which clothing became meaningful and representative of status and/or beauty, and ultimately became infused with an artistic utilization and exploitation thereof. Or maybe they would be too busy studying crop circles to give a shit about humans, let alone human clothing.

What does that say about you? I can't tell because there are many reasons you might wear shoes like that. For example, you could be poor, practical, hate shopping, or you might run every day. This just goes to show that what you were saying is completely true - you can't judge a man by his shoes.

And, like Rob was saying, some people even try to wear "cool" clothes. You know what clothes I wear? A damned shirt and pair of pants. Plain clothes are usually cheaper anyway, since there is less demand, and therefore they are more practical.

So, sometimes I feel like people lose themselves in finding clothes that they like and forget that clothes are meant to be practical.