Reacting to public dissatisfaction with the light fine that accompanies the new restaurant smoking ban, just $25, Charlottesville City Council voted yesterday to begin a “pilot ordinance” of placing a pillory in Central Place on the Downtown Mall for those caught lighting up in Downtown restaurants. Anti-smoking advocates applauded the move as a necessary first step in getting the public to take seriously the threat of secondhand smoke.

“Sadly, nothing less than public humiliation will stop this national health crisis,” said Chad Brinkley, founder of Citizens for a Smoke-free Charlottesville. “We hope this makes smokers think twice about their filthy, disgusting, unhealthy loser habit.”

The new ordinance passed by a 4 to 1 vote, with Councilor Satyendra Huja voting against it. Huja, in his typically soft voice, said something about it being “illegal” and possibly “barbaric” but it was difficult to understand what he meant.

“I’ve seen the devastating effect of second hand smoke on the homeless trying to quit,” said Major Dave Norris. “Plus, the homeless who do smoke often smoke cigarette butts they’ve found, which the original smokers have already used to assault people with secondhand smoke. It just compounds the problem. The new ordinance, although a little harsh, sends a message, I think, that we mean business.”

Councilor Holly Edwards, who mentioned that second hand smoke made her cry, cried as she read a poem about the decision:

A pillory isn’t mean,
It’s where the addicted can be seen,
So that their shame can set them free.

Councilor David Brown admitted he was uncomfortable with the vote, but said it made him feel “tough.” Still, to soften his stance, he offered free chiropractic services to those pilloried.

Julian Taliaferro admitted he’s been smoking filterless Camels for over 40 years, a habit he picked up in the Army, but said now he only smokes them in the bathroom with the exhaust fan on. As an ex-fire chief, Taliaferro said the pillory addresses a fire safety issue. “Where there’s smoke there’s fire,” said Taliaferro in typically understated fashion, but did not elaborate.

The new experimental ordinance actually went into effect today, much to the dismay of Gordonsville resident Buck Smoltz, who made the mistake of trying to light up at the Blue Light Grill.

“They still had ash trays piled up on the bar, so I thought it was okay,” said Smoltz, who was quickly escorted out the door by the Charlottesville Police Department’s new Assault Secondhand Smoke [ASS] Task Force. “I didn’t even get to take a drag before they dragged me out the door.”

“We’ve already set up surveillance cameras in most Downtown restaurants,” said Charlottesville Police Chief Tim Longo, “so that our officers can more easily monitor the situation on the ground. It also improves our response time. Ultimately, we hope this will serve as a deterrent, but for now its getting people like Mr. Smoltz off area bar stools.”

“This is an outrage,” said Libertarian smoking advocate Stanley DeButts. “Virginia was founded by settlers who sat around campfires smoking peace pipes with the Indians before they took their land away from them. Do you think those settlers complained about second-hand smoke? Next, they’ll be scalping us.”

DeButts said opposition to the ordinance wasn’t as strong as hoped, mostly because most opponents were standing outside of City Hall having a smoke when the vote took place, but he vows to fight the ordinance.

“There are many smokers who are proud of what they do,” he said, “It’s just a matter of finding them and trying to improve their self-esteem.”

Smoltz, though, wasn't eager to become a martyr for the cause.

“I didn’t even tell my wife I was coming to Charlottesville,” he said, unable to raise his head up to talk to a reporter. “She’s going to kill me.”

Photo information: The pillory was actually a 2007 “penance performance” by artist James Sham, who spent seven days locked in the devise, sort of. Sham invited passers-by to relieve him from duty, and the man shown in the photo above was one of them.

~

“TheRutabaga” is a relatively new and occasional feature satirizing items of local interest. (Here’s a recent one.)

36 comments

Okay, I feel stupid.........but the writer (was it you C?) made it so believable. It easily could be true you know.

really? December 15th, 2009 | 7:02am

I found this article utterly fuc*&*() useless and very not funny. Whatta waste you really pay people for this crap thats not worthy of even a slight chuckle?

whatsgoingon December 14th, 2009 | 11:46pm

I cannot believe this is serious. Please tell me this is a joke - police having installed cameras in restaurants to catch people in 'flagrante delicto'? A council member crying, reading poems about shame, the mayor talking about the homeless smoking second hand butts and therefore being unable to quit? Hahaha! Money well spent.
Please council, get a hold of yourself, toughen up, and take action on the real issues this town is facing; a comprehensive sustainable smart growth plan, a public transportation grid, an answer to the public school dropout rate, a diversified economy that doesn't totally cater to UVA or developers, addressing the enormous opportunity gap in this town.

cookieJar December 14th, 2009 | 11:54pm

What's wrong with poetry as policy? Do you have a little right winger brain that's too stiff for that? Aristotle wrote knowingly of both politics and poetry. Why can't we have that sort of leadership today. I wish you would light up a cigarette and think about it for a minute. Maybe little time in the pillory would loosen you up some.

GoshenLover December 15th, 2009 | 1:04am

Um, peeps, it's a joke. Note the classification "humor" above and the byline "Alan Smithee," a pseudonym commonly used in the movie biz when no one wants to take responsibility for a stinker.

MM December 14th, 2009 | 7:10pm

Is this for real? Who puts you in there? What if you resist, you pay $25.00? How long do you have to stay in there?

CC December 15th, 2009 | 12:16pm

How about a pillory for people who don't have a sense of humor with an extra day for misspelling.

gogogirl December 15th, 2009 | 7:43am

guess you don't know our city council

Cville Eye December 16th, 2009 | 5:12pm

I thoroughly enjoyed the article.

cookieJar December 14th, 2009 | 5:27pm

Damn, I was thinking when I read abut the Victory Shoe window being taken down without a permit that the city needed a pillory for times like that. Hail Yeah! Let's get two or three!

MM December 15th, 2009 | 9:00am

Ha Ha! I was looking forward to studying the results and all of the comments! I believed it, however my husband did not!

Joyce December 19th, 2009 | 6:13pm

sr, Did you notice the heading at the top --where's your sense of humor ?
Featured, Humor (TheRutabaga)
The Rutabaga- Pillory Place: Council augments restaurant smoking ban

sr December 19th, 2009 | 6:07pm

Hook, will you please publish facts and stories as opposed to complete and utter fiction masquerading as fact. Many people believed this article, myself included until I read the "fine print" on my second round through. If you are intent on publishing this type of artice make it CLEAR that the article is a joke from the very beginning and don't waste my time.

WestBerkeleyFlats December 19th, 2009 | 6:22pm

Hook, will you please publish facts and stories as opposed to complete and utter fiction masquerading as fact. Many people believed this article, myself included until I read the Ã¢â?¬Å?fine print” on my second round through. If you are intent on publishing this type of artice make it CLEAR that the article is a joke from the very beginning and don’t waste my time.

***
Umm, I'm pretty confident that most people with an IQ above, say, 110 got the joke right away. Let's see:

1. The name of the feature is The Rutabaga - an obvious play on The Onion

2. The listed author is Alan Smithee - the famous pseudonym used as a director's credit when a director disowns a film

This isn't a liberal or conservative issue. It's an issue about individual liberties and the rights of property owners to serve whomever they choose. I'm a life-long democrat and sadly, must deal with liberal do-gooders whenever I light up a smoke. It's my right -- and I'll continue to do it until I decide to quit. You try putting me in one of those things you'll be pulling back a stump.

I saw Cathy Harding smoking. Her first, please. Then a splash of water.

The Royal Guard December 14th, 2009 | 5:13pm

btw - loved the movie Alan

Paul December 14th, 2009 | 10:18pm

Amazing... This would be classified as "unusual" punishment. Glad to see this "progressive" Virginia town has moved to the forefront once again. Bravo....

local girl December 14th, 2009 | 10:23pm

there's no way this is seriously happening. is this enforceable? and by what means?

local girl December 14th, 2009 | 10:26pm

i had to reread this a second time to grasp the facts. i'm all for poetry, but not as policy. is this really where we want to apply our resources in this town? good god.

fromrva December 15th, 2009 | 12:34am

If someone tries to put me in that thing I will put my cigarette out in their eye...

Haha December 15th, 2009 | 9:18am

I can't believe you all are falling for this! Silly liberals..

Harry December 15th, 2009 | 10:04am

Guess coughing, bad breath, bad hair and farting will be the next. The pillary puts one in perfect position for the latter.

Gasbag Self Ordained Expert December 15th, 2009 | 10:11am

Mr/Mrs/Miss HaHa, I think this is a pop quiz by The Hook to see exactly who the intelligent people are that post here. Any person with an IQ over 56 would know that this punishment is clearly unconstitutional. Even if the joke did go over a few heads originally, the next clue of it being a joke should be the mention of the ASS Task Force. While the cop shoppe certainly has a few who more than qualify to be on an ASS Task Force, they would never name it as such. :)

I hope ASS gets out there and does some whoopin! Smokers are killers of ~8500 Americans every week. Killers should be punished.

Rodney December 15th, 2009 | 10:28am

Where did they even find a pillory for the photo?

Scott December 15th, 2009 | 10:46am

Outstanding!

TJ December 15th, 2009 | 11:01am

Alan, please bring this to next RWSA/RSWA board meeting , Thursday Dec. 17th 4pm we have a few officials who need to be pilloried.

manyoupeoplearestupid December 15th, 2009 | 11:11am

Not one clue as to where that little girl got off to, but god save the hook and the c-ville for their keeping the real news in print.

PMC December 15th, 2009 | 12:08pm

THE GREAT AMERICA, THIS IS WHY OUR COUNTRY IS IN SUCH A STATE I CAN'T BELIEVE WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS WE HAVE THIESE STUPID A$$ HOLES HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT DREAM UP THIS CRAP,THE COUNTRY WILL BE ON IT KNESS SOON. THE SOUTH WOULD BE PENNYLESS WITHOUT TABACCO BUT I GUESS ITS ONLY PEOPLE WITH A BRAIN WOULD KNOW THAT.

THIS IS NOT A REAL ARTICLE PEOPLE! Have you ever heard of The Onion...this along those lines. Plus, if you would have read the whole thing, you would have figured this out for yourself.

From the bottom of the article:

Photo information: The pillory was actually a 2007 Ã¢â?¬Å?penance performance” by artist James Sham, who spent seven days locked in the devise, sort of. Sham invited passers-by to relieve him from duty, and the man shown in the photo above was one of them.

Ã¢â?¬Å?TheRutabaga” is a relatively new and occasional feature satirizing items of local interest.