The Stress, the Tears, the Moods: 11th Grade, Through a Parent’s Eyes

Occasional reflections on the admissions process by Caren Osten Gerszberg, the mother of a high school junior.

Editor’s Note: Today The Choice introduces “Mom U.,”an occasional column by Caren Osten Gerszberg, a freelance writer and the mother of a junior attending a public high school in Westchester County, N.Y.

While taking a walk the other day with my daughter Nicole, a nearly 16-year-old high school junior, I launched into a conversation about stress. What I was I thinking? The discussion about how to reduce the stress in her life — “Maybe you should drop an honors class or cut piano from your schedule?” — became stressful in itself, with one of us ending up in tears (I’ll leave the who to your imagination).

Once back at home, I lured her out of her bedroom/study cave so we could finish our talk. Being a conflict avoider, I had a strong need to end our stroll-turned-debacle on a calm note.

So I impressed upon Nicole that her father and I are on her side, and want everything that she wants. “It’s my job,” I explained, “to at least try to lessen your emotional load and above all else, keep you from freaking out.” We hugged. It was a sweet moment. I wondered immediately how long the serenity would last.

So now that I’ve entered the phase of parenting a high school junior, I finally understand why upon hearing that there’s an 11th grader living under my roof, people bow and shake their head in grief, saying “I’m sorry,” or look straight into my eyes and declare, “May this be a very quick year for you and your family.” The stress, the tears, the moods, the hugs — looks like it’s going to be a 12 to 20-month roller coaster ride.

It is clear to me that Nicole is eager for the ride to get moving. With my goal being to keep the calm while rallying round the cause, I’m already fielding questions like, “When can we start visiting schools?” (Soon) and “Have you looked at the Fiske Guide yet to see what pages I marked?” (Not Yet)

It may seem trivial, but I take pride in knowing how the college process works — or at least used to — since I went through it myself almost 25 years ago. As a result, I can sit with Nicole, looking on websites to see if we — I mean she — needs to register for a college’s weekend information session, and I can dog-ear pages of schools that I think she may like to read about.

I have the advantage of remembering that some of the smartest kids from my high school went to schools like Union and Hamilton. That some students in my class applied to a college’s education or engineering school, knowing it’d be easier to transfer majors once they were already there.

Because my parents were foreigners and hadn’t been to college in the United States, they were clueless about the process. I had free rein to choose where to apply, which colleges to visit, and eventually, where to attend. My parents were supportive in the only ways they could be—as both bankers and quiet passengers tagging along on my college-bound journey.

When I was bogged down in high school, studying for an A.P. French exam or typing out a history term paper on my faithful Smith Corona, my mother reacted with pure emotion, peeking her head into my room and angrily demanding, “Why do they give you so much homework?”

Like my mother, I get frustrated when Nicole has her head buried in a textbook or glued to the computer screen until midnight. Selfishly, I miss our late-night TV and reading time. But I understand her motivation and drive — because I had them too. She’s lucky to have parents who understand the process, and will help her sort through the overload of options, choices and decisions. But one thing will be clear. This is her journey. Her parents will be here simply to implement damage control, pay the bills, and of course, give her plenty of hugs along the way.

Good idea, the Mom U column. Hope you’ll find other family members weighing in, including fathers and caregivers. With our own 11th grader, we’re all trying to be mindful that this is the child’s journey.

Some students are more motivated than others, too. Would love to hear more from them as well, along the lines of what this blog featured during the last admissions cycle.

Ms. Gerszberg’s daughter sounds like she is very motivated, and off to a strong start in life. It’s heartening to think that she trusts and respects her mother’s ability to portray her junior year with the right touch of sensitivity.

My older daughter finished 11th grade this past June. She is now a senior and we are completing her college applications. It’s a long haul. I can’t relax though because I have 15 year old twins!! Next year, at this time, they will be starting 11th grade. I can’t even imagine the stress that next year will impose on all of us!!

If this is the first time you have looked at the college admissions process in 25 years, brace yourself! It is very different from what it was back then. Sadly, it seems to create more stress on the kids, as we have experienced.

Junior year doesn’t *have* to be filled with stress, tears and chronic exhaustion. Academically-inclined homeschoolers all across the United States enjoy coursework at their own pace and on their own schedules, with ample time for reflection, recreation and even sufficient sleep. And here’s the icing on the cake, no longer such a well-kept secret: they are admitted to top colleges in proportions at least equal to their traditionally-schooled peers. Admissions offices value the intiative and focus displayed by these self-directed students, who often capitalize on the huge time efficiencies of homeschooling to fully develop their talents, and the students (and their families!) appreciate the balanced, family-centered lifestyle made possible by modern homeschooling.

It’s been 20 years, and I still remember junior year. There were a lot of tests, PSAT, SATs, ACTs, extracurricular activities, transcripts and the realization that now, Things Begin to Count. There actually was a “permanent record” and that record could affect your life.

When my son was in high school, I used to try and keep awake for as long as he did – about 2 am in the morning. I used to end up snoring on the sofa. He would be working and would come down to wake me up, so I could go to bed. I was introduced to all kinds of late night television as a result – Leno, Conan O’Brien, etc.

It’s nice to see that you “understand the process” – for someone who doesn’t, why don’t you enlighten us?
Tell me, why is it that all the reports I hear and read from recent college applicants (now college freshman) and recent “research” indicate that today’s high school students are over-extended (stressed) with inflated grades and that college admissions office have obscure criteria and processes that can’t easily explain why the 3.8 honors student – who participated in (and led) extracurricular activites for 4 years – didn’t get accepted by the top 5 schools in her home state?

You could always make the stress easier by doing one of two things (egads with these options I know!)

1. Take a look at any recent new reports that state that going to any of the top 300 colleges provides NO noticeable difference in outcome econoically, socially, etc. In other words, stop thinking a name school actually matters.

2. Go the community college route (I know, censor me!) which then allows a student to simply to learn to learn while in high school, enter community college, and eventually transfer while more of an adult and never need to deal with the ridiculous and unneded rat race of college selection process discussed above

It’s been almost ten years since I was applying to college, and I don’t envy your daughter’s position right now. But if I may give one point of advice – butt out, mom. Kids should be left to make their own decisions about colleges, and forced to do their own legwork on researching them. Helicopter parents who shepherd their kids through each step of the process (and you don’t necessarily sound like one of them, by the way) do them no favors. Obviously you and your husband should advise on what schools are financially viable options and which aren’t – but let your daughter be the active participant in all of this. Good luck!

I think that parental involvement in the college application process has gone too far and has made the entire experience more stressful than it needs to be. Granted, when I was applying to colleges in 1995, the competition to get into a school of choice was probably not as intense as it is today, and will be in the future. But, my parents did not hover over me and micro-manage the process for me. My dad did take me on quite a few college touring trips throughout the east coast, which are wonderful memories for me. But never did either of my parents build up any pressure or possible dissappoint of me not getting into a particular school. The had faith that because it was my future at stake that I would prepare the needed applications, make a decision on my own and keep my grades up, which I did. In the end, I think I broke even with acceptances/rejections to the 6 colleges I applied to. And I did make my own decision based on what my own efforts had provided and what we could afford… and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Chill out, Robert… Mrs. Gerszburg isn’t the reason your kid didn’t get into the school they (or you?) wanted.

If your child is stressed, it might have something to do with your conception that “the process” is something you can fail at before classes even begin. You don’t need to be accepted to whatever Fiske says a top 5 school is to prove your worth as a human being, and you definitely don’t need to go to top 5 school to get a great, fulfilling education.

You might complain about colleges not only relying on quantifiable criteria to determine admissions, but you can bet if schools relied solely on GPA and SAT scores, there’d be an equal number of parents complaining that their 3.7 GPA kid’s unquantifiable talents would make them a better candidate than your 3.8 son or daughter (and they might even be right).

Just relax. A good student can do just as many great things at the #6 school as a #5.

I am sure the process has many core elements that we all can relate to, yet is unique for each parent in its own way. My son was up regularly past 2 and 3 am doing work, in part because he procrastinated, in part because he was tired at 7-8pm and could not work then, and finally in part because that is simply how he “did it.” I struggled intensely trying to get him to go to bed on time (midnight?), to do his homework at 5-6pm when he got home, etc. Pure folly on my part, in retrospect. I learned to let go of this. Of the many stresses, one additional and quite difficult to handle was the stress of being on a wait list for any extended period of time.

Great post and terrific idea to have Mom U. My son is a junior in college right now so I have lived through this time in your life and I am here to tell you; “you will survive.” Your daughter will likely THRIVE! My company consults with college’s to solve their recruiting issues and we are seeing more and more Mom’s (and Dad’s, too) involved in the process. We are currently facilitating a study co-sponsored by many colleges to determine what is the true impact of parental influence in the college decision making process. I think it will be very interesting to see the results.

I must admit that in our home I tried very hard to have some influence (I can hear you calling me a helicopter parent right now) but in the end my son made his own decision and it was NOT my first choice. I can see now that he made the choice that was best for him. With so many great schools it is always about the “right fit” and there aren’t really “bad” choices.

Good luck! It will be fun and interesting to follow your journey. Enjoy this time with your precious (and probably sometimes not-so-precious) daughter. It all goes so fast.

My own college admissions process was completely pain free as I wanted to go to the University of Texas at Austin (not ivy league but a well ranked public school, especially in certain subjects), and Texas has a policy where students from the top 10% of their graduating class are automatically admitted. To get into UT I literally had to fill out and sign one piece of paper. That’s it. More public school systems should emulate this process!!

You know NOTHING about the process if your knowledge comes from 25 years ago — everything has changed. I have told my remaining two high schoolers that I will give them money if they fall in love with a college, apply for early decision and get in — that’s the only realistic way to relieve an appreciable amount of the stress that occurs until May 1 of 12th grade (or later, because of wait lists) — which is certainly not less than that of 11th grade.

While I understand that kids should be left to make their own decisions (I was one who did), I suspect that financial considerations are going to play an ever-increasing role in narrowing the choices. That will certainly be the case with my child. I can only hope that her dream college will be the one I would have chosen.

Your (and your daughter’s) stress is self-induced. If your family’s self-worth is linked to where your daughter goes to college, I feel sorry for you. You obviously have a misconception of what the path to success is.

Better to go to a larger public university. No stress getting in, but you really need to apply yourself to get noticed and be successful. There’s no coddling or hand-holding. You succeed or fail based primarily on your work ethic (mostly) and your raw talent (somewhat).

As a father with a daughter who is now a senior in high school, I understand the stress that kids place on themselves. Parents and society place additional stress on the kids, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unconsciously. To reduce the stress, we started the college tours during my daughter’s sophomore year. These trips allowed her to begin to frame up the key requirements she was looking for in a school. These trips further cemented our bond as father and daughter as we talked about our life experiences and our goals and aspirations. I was able to share with her my experiences and strategies on how I deal with stress. One thing I was very conscious about during all of our tours was not ask the guides lots questions in the group session. It was important to me that she owned the process and asked the questions. I would always ask my questions quietly on the side during the tour or after the tour when everyone else had left.

It is also important that parents not get into the “branding game”. I have consistently reinforced with my daughter that she should focus on choosing a school that will enable her to fulfill her dreams. If she does not get accepted to her first choice, she simply will be taking a different route to achieve her dream. While there were moments during her junior year where my sanity and patience were tested, I have no regrets as we both grew and learned from the experience. The good news is I get to do it all over with my youngest daughter who will be a junior next year.

A terribly stressful process for the whole family, mostly created by the fact that, as a nation, we have not made appropriate investments in the development and expansion of higher education as our population has grown larger. At the top tier high schools, the workload far exceeds what the students will encounter in college — and often graduate school. A crazy system for students — with serious effects on their well-being (and the well-being of their families!) given the countless all-nighters that the curriculum requires.

Wow, you are really setting yourself up for lots of stress. Like #4 says, you speak of Union and Hamilton (Hamilton!) as if they were somehow lacking. It also seems as if you consider the choice to study engineering or education, a good political move with the admissions officers.