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Sunday, June 29, 2014

The following is another excerpt from the book called Disorder in the American Courts.

Question: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."Answer: "I swear by Almighty God."Question: "That the evidence that I give..."Answer: That's right.Question: Repeat it.Answer: "Repeat it".Question: No! Repeat what I said.Answer: What you said when?Question: "That the evidence that I give..."Answer: "That the evidence that I give."Question: "Shall be the truth and..."Answer: It will, and nothing but the truth!Question: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."Answer: I'm not a scholar, you know.Question: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."Answer: "Shall be the truth and."Question: Say: "Nothing...".Answer: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)Question: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."Answer: Yes.Question: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?Answer: Yes.Question: Well? Do so.Answer: You're confusing me.Question: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".Answer: Okay. I understand.Question: Then say it.Answer: What?Question: "Nothing but the truth..."Answer: But I do! That's just it.Question: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."Answer: I WILL say nothing but the truth!Question: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".Answer: What? You mean, like, now?Question: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.Answer: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."Question: Thank you.Answer: I'm just not a scholar.

Friday, June 27, 2014

The following was shared by a friend of mine on Facebook…I laughed until I cried and knew I just had to share it with all of you!

This is the ridiculous story of Shane, a Wal-Mart deli employee. The pictures were taken by his co-worker, Reddit user Ardentleprechaun, of notes left for Shane by store management. The pics show a whiteboard in a back room of the store, with written warnings from his boss repeatedly scolding him for his antics.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

The following are some excerpts from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. These poor court reports suffered the ordeal of remaining composed while recording the following exchanges:

Question: How far from the accident were you when it happened?Answer: He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"Question: Nonsense. How can you be so precise?Answer: Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it.Question: What is your date of birth?Answer: July fifteenth.Question: What year?Answer: Every year.Question: Could you see him from where you were standing?Answer: I could see his head.Question: And where was his head?Answer: Just above his shoulders.Question: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?Answer: The victim lived.Question: How old is your son - the one living with you.Answer: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.Question: How long has he lived with you?Answer: Forty-five years.Question: And where was the location of the accident?Answer: Approximately milepost 499.Question: And where is milepost 499?Answer: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.Question: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?Answer: Yes.Question: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?Answer: Yes, sir.Question: What did she say?Answer: What disco am I at?Question: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.Answer: That's me.Question: Were you present when that picture was taken? Question: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?Question: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?Answer: I'll be three months on November 8.Question: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?Answer: Yes.Question: What were you doing at that time? Question: How many times have you committed suicide?Answer: Four times. Question: Did he kill you?Question: You don't know what it was and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?Question: Have you lived in this town all your life?Answer: Not yet. Question: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?Answer: I refuse to answer that question.Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?Answer: I refuse to answer that question.Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?Answer: No. Question: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?Answer: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.Question: Were you acquainted with the deceased?Answer: Yes sir.Question: Before or after he died? Question: And you check your radar unit frequently?Officer-Answer: "Yes, I do."Question: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?Answer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly. Question: What happened then?Answer: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'Question: Did he kill you?Answer: No. Question: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--Answer: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

Question: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Question: So you were gone until you returned? Question: You say the stairs went down to the basement?Answer: Yes.Question: And these stairs, did they go up also?Question: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?Answer: No.Question: Did you check for blood pressure?Answer: No.Question: Did you check for breathing?Answer: No.Question: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?Answer: No.Question: How can you be so sure, Doctor?Answer: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.Question: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?Answer: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.Question: You were not shot in the fracas?Answer: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.Question: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?Answer: There were traces of semen.Question: Male semen?Answer: That's the only kind I know of.Question: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?Answer: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.Question: It was covered?Answer: Yes. Bandaged.Question: Then, later on, what did you see?Answer: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. Question: How far away he was from the accident.Answer: The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."Question: What? How come you are so sure of that distance? Answer: Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I received the following giggle from our sweet Ami over at Ami's Star Song. Even though it is an oldie and has been floating around the internet for quite a while, I think it’s worth sharing here. Hope you enjoy!

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap .Although not familiar with the lake , the wife decides to take the boat out .She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?""Reading a book ," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment, I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book ," she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again."I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment, I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden .

"That's true, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment."

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

We interrupt this regularly scheduled post to bring you the following FYI: Blogger dashboard Reading List is showing only 1 item instead of all you have and the ‘View more’ button is not working. Blogger techs are aware of the problem and working to fix it.

Monday, June 23, 2014

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'Yes It hasn't been proven yet but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this little gem to cook. you're gone.'

Sunday, June 22, 2014

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the chapel fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to Sunday Mass, so I supported you when you brought that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

Thank you Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."