PURPOSE DRIVEN AMBITION

Friday, April 13, 2018

It's been a while but I'm back. It's been hard for me to write but now it's time that I return! I know that there are others out there that have and are experiencing similar situations as myself.It's coming up on 3 years since my Mother transitioned and since that time both of my Grandmothers have also transitioned.

I'm still dealing and healing. My co-worker passed away on Wednesday which really triggered some emotions for me.It's hard to understand someone's pain when you're dealing with your own pain. It took me losing my Mom for me to understand some of her world. I held things against her for some years for leaving the family. But now I realize that she wasn't trying to hurt anyone she was coping the best way that she knew how. A lot of things happened during my Mother's illness and her transition. I try to be careful about how I speak about certain things but just know that I have come a long way. When the time is right I think I'll be able to express properly some of the things that I experienced without it looking like I'm pointing fingers at others. I'm not just dealing with losing her but unresolved issues that we had.I'm thankful to God for the emotional support that I have in my life. A place to express my feelings and where I'm at with everything!My Dad told me "I think in time you will be able to support others, but it's no rush."So, I just acknowledge where I am at and I won't pretend to be something that I'm not!LOVE & LIGHT!

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Thursday, December 29, 2016

In my 31 years, I have lost two important people in my life. First, my Mother and now my Grandmother (Ma). Losing the ones you love teaches you and changes you in many ways.

For me, I'm learning to appreciate the time that I have with the ones that I care about. I was granted the gift of time these last couple of years to spend with both my Mom and Ma. What I learned was that in giving of yourself (time, love, support) you are actually receiving a gift(s). Both experiences have grown me. With Ma, I did some growing up real quick in these last few weeks. It was hard for me to see her in the condition that she was in. However, I had to put myself aside as she needed me more! I'm so grateful that I chose to be with her a few more times before she transitioned.

There is so much to say about Ma. She was my friend and we could just talk on the phone about life. When I moved back home I got to see her more regularly and that really was a blessing to me. I don't know anyone else like her. She was so giving of herself, so supportive, and if she could be there for her family she was there. Ma was independent, stubborn, clean, she didn't play no games with anybody, and she was very particular in her ways.

Her life and hard work could be seen through her family. She was definitely someone that you could respect and look up to. I will miss her but she lived a long good life. Our memories together will keep me going until we meet again.

Sometimes, it takes a loss or the threat of loss to value a thing or person. My priorities have changed since I moved back home. The way that I think and feel about life will never be the same. My experiences have shown/taught me what's really important in life.

Don't regret the things that you didn't do with the ones that you love, for there will come a time when it will be too late!

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Thursday, November 3, 2016

So, here I am 31 years old and I realize that I rarely let people into my life. Partly, because that is just how I am and the other part of it is shaped by the experiences that I have gone through. Growing up my sisters and I were close and I had a childhood friend that I was very close to into our college years. After undergrad, into grad school I was really only close to two people in my life. Meaning that I talked to these people often and they knew certain details of my life.

The separation of my parents when I was 17 had an affect on my individual relationships with my parents. So, I wasn't very close to my parents. It really affected my relationship with my Mother as she was the one who left. It also had an affect on my relationship with my sisters. I suppressed a lot of what I was going through but now as I look back I realize that even though I wasn't talking about what I was going through, I was acting out my emotions.

So, a lot was happening for me as I started college. I was 18 and I wanted to get away from home to live my own life. At the same time, my family was broken and I was dealing or not dealing with that. This all impacted how I interacted with my family over the years.

Early on in college, after a few experiences I had a thought process set in place to prevent myself from getting hurt by guys. I was determined to be in control of what happened to me. I wasn't really big on relationships or developing emotional attachments. However, I did develop bonds with a few people over the years. However, generally speaking I did not allow myself to share my soul with many people. I never really bonded with a lot of females like that and even with my guy friends, associates, etc I rarely let anyone in.

So, I went through life not really knowing how or allowing myself to develop relationships with others. I got my degrees, worked hard, partied, and had fun. Most people knew of me, but did not really know me.

After a while, I realized that I had gone all this time not really dealing with the divorce of my parents. Over time, after growing and maturing myself, my relationship got better with my Dad. However, my Mother and I never had the relationship that I would have liked for us to have had. It wasn't the worst of situations but it could have been better. As a child, it's hard to understand why a parent leaves the family. All you know, is that they are gone. Now, I have a better understanding. Yes, I wish I could have understood better back when I was in college and even after college.

Then at 29, life takes an unexpected turn and I'm forced to deal directly with my hurts and pains from over the years. My mother's illness forces us to deal with and work on our relationship.

Presently, I still have these wall ups. So much happened during her illness and after her passing that it actually makes it harder for me to open up to others. However, I am doing better on being more open with my father and my sisters.

So, the first step to resolving any issue is to identify the problem. I know that it won't happen overnight but I'm hopeful that I will begin to share more of my experiences with others. As I know that if you hold onto the pain you will never heal.

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Saturday, October 8, 2016

So, a couple of things happened to me yesterday. One, I was doing some continuing education for my insurance license and two, I read an article about a young lady who had lost her Mother. Both of these experiences had an affect on me.

There were terms that were in the study material that reminded me of my experiences with my Mother. Then the article made me realize how much an effect losing her had and still has on me. There are certain things and comments that trigger thoughts about my Mother. Sometimes, I'm okay and other times I wish I could just bring her back.

So, here it is a year and four months later and the fact that my Mother is gone still isn't real to me. I know that she's gone but it still hasn't settled in yet. I try to live a "normal" life but the fact is, she is gone!

There is no manual on how to deal with this and I'm not super close to anyone (other than my sisters) that can relate to my situation of losing a mother as an adult but still relatively young. I think that might be one of the challenging things for me right now. If you haven't experienced this, there is no way that you can even begin to understand what it is like.

One thing that I do know is that losing her has changed me. It has made me stronger but there is also pain that comes out at times. I still haven't healed from some of the things that I experienced while taking care of her and also after her passing. I'm pretty sure that I sometimes respond to situations based on the pain that I'm still dealing with inside. However, I'm trying my best to work on my relationship with others and express to them what's going on inside. For if I don't express it, they really have no idea what I'm dealing with.

I don't know who's reading this and if you have lost someone that is very close to you. If you have make sure that you deal with your pain. For me, I write. If I talk about what I'm really dealing with, it has to be someone that I trust! Release the pain and free yourself. One day, I'll probably write a book about what I really went through but for now I just like to let others know that you're not alone. I write to heal myself and hopefully someone else can find healing through my words.

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Monday, August 22, 2016

Sometimes in life, you just get tired. So many thoughts, emotions, feelings, so much that you're trying to figure out! I hate crying but yesterday the tears came down. I know that I have a purpose but the frustration can be overwhelming.

I was able to release some of that frustration through my tears. After being comforted and encouraged by my dear Father I'm doing better now. I'm not exactly where I want to be but I won't give up!

This journey is very hard. Especially, when you're trying to remain focused and inspire others. However, I know that these tests are only given to me to make me stronger.

Life isn't always peaches and cream. You will have to go through some dark times. I'm very aware that this is a spiritual battle that I'm fighting and that if I lean on my own understanding I will fail.

I pray that God equips me with the tools that I need to continue moving forward. I pray for knowledge, understanding, and wisdom. I pray for anyone who is out there struggling with life, that God gives them peace.

"GOD IS IN THE MIDST OF HER, SHE SHALL NOT BE MOVED: GOD SHALL HELP HER, AND THAT RIGHT EARLY."

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Saturday, July 23, 2016

As you mature you should understand the importance of having genuine people in your life. Well, at least in my case. As I mature and grow wiser I'm able to see the true character of people. If you can't have genuine people in your space, you're better off by yourself.

If you aren't able to easily discern who the genuine ones are, time and circumstances will reveal it to you. Don't go by what people say to you, watch what they do.

Time is precious. You must invest your energy in meaningful relationships and friendships. You should be uplifting and inspiring one another. There are times when you have to let go and walk away from unproductive situations. However, you shouldn't just walk away from a situation without first expressing what's going on. It is important to have honest communication about what you are feeling and then do what's best for your peace of mind.

During the lowest points of your life, your true friends will be revealed. So never forget who was there for you. "A friend loveth at all times." Who can you talk to about anything, who will wipe your tears, who will pray with and for you, who will drop whatever they're doing to make sure that you're okay? Those are your true family and friends.

I only keep a few people close to me. That term "friend" should not be used lightly. Some people just don't know how to be friend and I don't fault them. I'm learning how to be a better friend myself.

Don't be afraid to be alone that you allow yourself to get caught up with people that are just around for the good times. You can be around tons of people and still feel lonely inside. You can also be alone and feel content within. People will only do what you allow them to do to you. Respect yourself enough to know when you need to let go and move on. There is a time and season for everything that happens in our lives. Some people are temporarily in our lives to teach us lessons and some will be right by our side until our last breath.

So maybe you can relate or maybe you can't. Don't feel guilty about removing people out of your life. It's a necessary part of the journey. Wish them the best and move on.

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Sunday, June 26, 2016

When you're dealing with emotional pain and emotional trauma you have to make sure that you don't make poor choices that would make your situation even worse.

It's important not to attach yourself to things and people just to fill a void. Many times you may not even be aware that this is happening. Other times, you may be aware.

Healing takes time and is a very delicate process. Even though you may be experiencing some hurt it's very selfish to use other people to get over your pain especially if you're aware that's what you're doing. Until you actually deal with the pain it's not going anywhere. You may bury and ignore it but it's still there.

Be very aware of who you let close to you. Feelings and emotions change. So, it's critical that you don't make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions.

It may be hard to let people in as you try to protect yourself but the right people are able to help you heal emotionally. You have to be able to discern who has been sent to help heal you and who has been sent to harm you. When you're dealing with something that affects your emotional health, it's best not to have too many people around you. Keep people that you trust around you to keep an eye on you.

Take some time to be alone and figure out who you are in this new phase of your life. There is so much freedom in being able to enjoy doing things alone. Strive to be a whole individual who is constantly learning how to love yourself. Take some time to travel and experience life. Maybe you can't go out of the country, but perhaps you can go experience a new city.

Surround yourself with positive people that are doing positive things. Stay busy and live a purpose-filled life. Most of all do what's best for you and your emotional health. Many may not understand what you're dealing with and that's okay! This is your journey. God understands what you're going through, so just trust him to help you along the journey.

'Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

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Saturday, June 18, 2016

Fathers are super important. A father is a man that shows his sons how to lead and how to respect the women in his household by the life that he leads. A father is a man that shows his daughters how to be respected and treated by a man and tells them how to respect themselves.

A father is a leader and he is the first example to his children of what a man is. I'm thankful to have had my father in my life. He may have raised four girls but he taught us how to work hard. We probably can outwork some of these men out there.

My father is reliable and dependable. If he say he is going to do something you better believe it's going to get done. If he can't do it, he will make sure to let you know he can't.

My father was strict and he doesn't play any games. I take after him. I don't play no games. My dad encourages me to be a strong woman. He has taught me to speak up for myself and to ask questions. He tells me that you don't let people treat you any type of way. He is very encouraging and supports me as I build my business. He taught me to know who I am and where I come from. I'm proud to be a strong black Queen!

My father showed me what unconditional love was. My parents were divorced when my mother found out that she had colon cancer. The love that my father displayed toward my mother in her time of need is the type of love that I want if I ever succumb to illness. I was around my mother a lot during her illness and it is touching the type of relationship and the love that I saw between the two of them. Their love wasn't perfect but it was true.

I'm super blessed and probably a little spoiled. If I need my father to do something, he is right there as soon as he can. He doesn't give me an attitude. I had to check myself when I had an attitude when he asked me to do something for him because he doesn't respond like that to me. He will make sacrifices to make sure that I'm okay. My father believes in family and he did his best to build a strong foundation for my mother and his daughters.

My dad and I are super close and without him I don't even know how I would have made it when my mom got sick and passed away. He is a great listener and he gives good advice. I'm finally starting to listen to him more. :-) He tells me the truth whether I like it or not. Yet, he respects that I'm my own individual and he has learned that you have to let your children live their lives.

Most important, my father is a Man of God. Without his influence, I wouldn't have the spiritual knowledge that I have today. He believes in prayer and reading his word! His faith in God is very strong and I really admire this Man of God. Even if everyone else turned from God, my father would still be right there trusting in God.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

June 5, 2015 was the worst day of my life. I was at work on a Friday when I got the news from my Dad. I will never forget that day. There was a lot of pain and hurt surrounding my mother's illness and her death.

Nevertheless, I have grown in the process of dealing with her illness and her death. I was so upset with certain individuals that I could not imagine a good relationship ever existing in the future. I still have one relationship that I'm praying about and that I need to work on. I still have pain and hurt but I'm trying to work through it.

What is life like without your Mother? I'm still adjusting. I don't ever remember thinking about life without my Mother especially at such a young age. There are things that I wish I could have done but I must use that to love the ones that are still here with me.

I do know that I'm now able to relate to those that have had to take care of a sick loved one and who have lost a loved one due to terminal illness. These experiences have made me more compassionate and have allowed me to know what the true meaning of love really is.

I'm so grateful for all of the things that my dear Mother taught me that has made me into the woman that I am today. I will live a life full of purpose and I will make sure to share her story and our story until the day that I die.

"TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON, AND A TIME TO EVERY PURPOSE UNDER THE HEAVEN." -ECCLESIASTES 3;1

IN LOVING MEMORY OF
ROSE
MY DEAR MOTHER
6/5/15

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Sunday, May 29, 2016

The older that we become the less transparent that we allow ourselves to be. The lack of transparency is causing so many relationships, friendships, partnerships, connections, etc. to fail.

I myself am not very transparent. When I am it is with a few select people. What made me this way?
That's just how am I and life experiences doesn't make it any easier to be transparent with others.

I know we want to be transparent with others, but we are afraid of being hurt. We are afraid of being judged and feeling like we are less than. So, instead of being transparent we act like everything is okay. We say nothing and we bottle up everything inside.

Should we be transparent with everyone? I believe we should be honest and real with everyone, but not necessarily transparent with everyone. Transparency is allowing that other person to see through you and being able to understand you for who you truly are.

It is not meant for you to be transparent with everyone about everything for the simple fact that they won't know how to help you. However, there are times when you have to be transparent because somebody else needs to hear your story, your struggle, and your pain. They need to know that they are not alone.

I'm learning that we all are hurting badly within and we just want someone to fix the pain. There's only one person that can fix that pain. Until, we seek God to help heal our pain we will never be able to be transparent with those that we need to be transparent with.

MY TRANSPARENT MOMENT

I struggle hard with communicating my feelings and expressing what's really going. However, I recently had to do something that I didn't want to do....COMMUNICATE. I know that as I communicate more and let go of things that I have been holding onto, only then will I be able to be free in every aspect of my life.

I'm learning that God will do whatever it takes to get you to where you need to be and he will place people in your life that are equipped with what you need to get you there.

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About Me

I am originally from Virginia Beach, Virginia and I currently reside in Virginia Beach, Virginia. My main goal in life is to influence those around me in a positive manner. The key to success is being motivated and being at the right place at the right time.