Longfellow

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

HEA's and MAWAGE

So… usually when I blog I tend to steer away from
controversial topics, or note-worthy topics, so as to, obviously, avoid
controversy. For whatever reason I just
don’t have that burning desire to get into debates and stuff. Unless you want
to diss Shakespeare. Bring it. Just kidding. It is much more fun to relate
unimportant, hopefully entertaining moments from my life that end with some
sort of “moral” or “learning experience.” Whatever you want to call it. But I
am actually going to talk (or, rather, write) about something a little bit more
“important” today. At least it is important to me. Now with that preface, I
will say that I am not writing this with the hopes of sparking controversy -I was trying to explain that my opinions are my own and I don’t expect anybody to
agree with them and if anything, I hope the topic will just allow for some personal reflection/introspection. I know it helped me do a little bit of that! I
also admit that I will be making some generalizations and doing some stereotyping,
and I am aware of that. I know that the things talked about are not “the law”
and are not the absolute truth. There are exceptions to everything discussed and I am aware. NO JUDGMENT HERE!!! SAFE ZONE. You have been
warned. And you should only proceed to read if you really want to:)

I am in a fairytale class (and I LOVE IT and you should
NEVER ask me about it because then you will find out WAY more about the topic
than you EVER wanted to know even though it isn’t even POSSIBLE to know more
about fairytales than you would want to know because fairytales are great.
Actually, you can ask me about the class and I promise I will just say
something trite like “I love it” but then you should avoid asking ANY FOLLOW-UP
questions because then I will take that as an invitation to blabber. On and on
and on. And on. And yeah, I know, who even KNEW there was such a thing as a
FAIRTYALE CLASS. I’m over it. NOT. I’LL NEVER BE OVER IT. I love it like I
loved Shakespeare class and WE EVEN GET TO READ SHAKESPEARE IN THE CLASS.
#dreamsdocometrue#happilyeverafter#dontneedafairygodmotherhere). And in this
fairytale class, obviously there are a lot of stories that we read with the
perfect “happily ever after.” Known to us ‘talers’ as an “HEA.” Yeah, we are
that cool, don’t even worry about it.

But, in reading these tales one thing becomes pretty clear: EVERYBODY is just looking for that HEA. Not all HEA’s are the same, but
everyone wants one. And there is no shame in that, because it is an HEA
after-all. Who wouldn’t want an HEA? In fairytale land, everybody does. Now let
us define, shall we, the stereotypical HEA. AND STEREOTYPES ARE STEREOTYPES FOR
A REASON. No shame in stereotypes. Unless they are really shameful ones. But I
digress… (anybody get that reference? Not from a movie but a famous Russian
writer... rhymes with Schmostoyevsky.) Anyway, the typical fairytale HEA
includes boy and girl that overcome various difficulties (like the fact that
they don’t even know each other) and hardships (like the fact that they don’t
even know each other) and trials (dragons, long-term narcolepsy, crazy family
drama) and end up participating in the m-word. (And no, we are not speaking of
mutiny. Or a mangonel. Or mascalephidrosis. Or even mammon. Though those are
all unfortunate “m” words). I’m talking about mawage. Mawage is what brings us
here together today. And wuv, trew wuv. (name that movie, though it is wayyy tooooo easy.)

As I write this, I can’t help but feel that some people are
thinking, “she is wrong, I legitimately don’t want to get married. No HEA for
me. No thank you.” And that may be true. But I would also suggest that you are
the exception, and not the rule. Because if you weren’t the rule then I
wouldn’t hear so many guys/girls walking around campus lamenting their love
lives, or lack thereof. If people didn’t care, why would they get so frustrated
that “so and so” didn’t call or “can’t make up their mind” etc etc. They would
maybe never say, “I am frustrated with my love life because I want to get
married and this relationship isn’t helping me out much.” But in their hearts
that is the reality. There are a plethora of frustrations. That I do know. But
it’s only frustrating because we want that HEA.
AND THAT IS OKAY TO WANT.

Sometimes you are a missionary and you live in black and
white. You know marriage is a good thing that you do NOT have to worry about.
Then sometimes you aren’t a missionary anymore and you remember that marriage
is a good thing, but everybody around you (or most the people), have all these
different opinions. Except actual married people. Actual married people want it
for everybody else. But the rest of the people like to pretend, or have
forgotten temporarily, that they want that HEA too. Marriage has become like
this super uncool “goal” that nobody wants, except for the few people who
actually own up to wanting it who end up getting scorned for their honesty.

Think about the girls you know (or think you know) that admittedly WANT TO GET
MARRIED. What are the stereotypes surrounding these girls? Now I am going to
make a list, but just remember these aren’t my opinions, but the stereotypes
for the category, okay? These are the girls that bake and sew and love kids
(they want ten!) and maybe even love giving massages…let’s be real, they are
often made fun of and then put into a category where their IQ drops. Just
because they are brave enough to admit that they want to get married. And they
come in direct contrast to the girls that CLEARLY DON’T WANT to get married because they don’t cook,
they plan on going to graduate school, they sometimes want to be doctors, they
like studying. All of those things
CLEARLY suggest that for them career comes first, family after. Who has time
for babies when you are going to be the youngest [fill-in-the-blank-awesome-accomplishment].
No man will stand in her way. It may be a man’s world, but she is going to beat
them at their own game. And let’s not forget the “other category” of “not
homemaker” and “not academic.” Not sure what to call it… but this is the girl
that is always up for a party. Why would she have to have one guy when she
could have ten?! We mock category one, we are sometimes of afraid of category
two, and we don’t ever commit to category three. But do categories two and
three want to get married even if they aren’t broadcasting it like category
one? Yes. (Again, not the LAW. Just a generalization of my observations). They are just afraid of getting put into category one. Because when
you have a lower IQ you don’t get into med school.

Don’t worry, I won’t leave the gentlemen out of the fun.
There are those guys that self-proclaimedly WANT to get married. We all know
they are creeps. (Again, these are the stereotypes speaking, not me). They
bought their ring on their mission and aren’t that picky about who they give it
to, just as long as she can bake! Their mission president maybe said something
like “be married in the next five months” and they took that as law. They will
do what it takes. STEER CLEAR!!! And that, of course, is in direct opposition
to the “too busy” guy. “Oh, I’ll get married eventually,” he says. “But right
now I just need to focus on…” He is wayyy too coooooll, tooo busy to get
married. Wouldn’t even entertain the possibility. Girls think they can change
that. Usually they can’t. And let’s not forget the “best friend” who spends so
much time with girls we wonder why HE of ALL people doesn’t want to get
married….

The point, however, isn’t to discuss all of the various
stereotypes of boys and girls and the kinds of “daters” or not they are, but
rather to emphasize the fact that people that actually WANT to get married are
often put in that “sad category.” They become “Molly Mormon” and “Peter
Priesthood.” Just because they are trying to follow the plan. And that is where
the missionary black/white comes in. Marriage is a part of God’s plan. For
everyone. Period. And usually such bold
statements accompany various opinions and “what if” scenarios, and obviously
there are circumstances where marriage doesn’t happen for everyone. And I get
that. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t an encouraged and critical part of
the plan. The purpose of the blog isn’t to discuss people that haven’t gotten
married, and extenuating circumstances

Now you are asking what the purpose is and I guess that
means I should probably tell you my purpose… and I wish there were an easy way
to sum it up. But the line comes to mind, “What e’er thou art, act well thy
part.” I believe that one of the “parts” we have been given in this life is to
be in a marriage. And part of acting that part well is not being ashamed to
recognize the part and striving to start acting the part. And that includes
sometimes putting your pride at risk, your heart at risk, even your reputation
at risk. Why do we not want to admit that we ACTUALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED?! That
is the point of this post, to ponder upon the reasons that wanting to be
married is viewed as such a shameful mindset. I would say probably because we
don’t want to risk the above things. We would never want people to KNOW that we
want to get married and then have them see us remain single. How shameful! Or,
we would never want a significant other to tell us that they don’t actually
want to get married when we do. Ouch. Or, if we end up being really successful
at something and people know we want to get married, it becomes because “we
couldn’t get married.” Obviously nobody could ever accomplish anything if they
wanted to get married too. And I have been guilty of this mentality too.
Pretending that I don’t want to get married because I had “things” I wanted to
do. And in my mind the things I wanted to do did not go along with marriage. Or
at least that was how it was in my mind. In reality, I always wanted to get
married, but I never wanted to be “that girl.” THAT girl that WANTS to get
married. Because we all know what THAT means. (see above list)

Consider this for a second. If this blog were written by a guy,
a really cool guy even, who admitted, “I want to get married,” what would
reactions be? You KNOW girls would all be trying to figure out who it is and
then they would be queuing up to be the next potential. But, being a girl who
is not particularly cool, and writing this blog, what does that say about me?
What conclusions will be drawn? That I’m desperate, perhaps? That my career
isn’t promising and I would do anything to avoid the future I have picked out
for myself? Or, maybe that I am sick of getting rejected? Maybe I am THAT girl.

Or MAYBE, when I meet a right guy, I can become THAT girl. Which I think is
probably the truth of it. We refuse to wear our hearts on our sleeves until we
meet the right person for our HEA. And then once we do, it is okay to be THAT
person. You know, the kind that wants to get married. Because you now have
another THAT person. But I am going to be a THAT person now. Heart recklessly on my sleeve today.

I’m Tara. I am a returned missionary and saying that makes
me feel old. I like musicals and I was really bummed that they got rid of "showtunes saturday night" while I was on my mission. I have some really great friends. My family is
awesome. I am going to be a teacher in the near future, and in the far future I have no idea where I'll end up or what I'll end up doing -and that is okay. The possibilities are endless and they keep life exciting. The sky
has always been the limit. Sometimes that has led to some really awful,
falling-without-a-parachute-moments. But mostly it has led to some great
learning experiences. If I never got married, I would do a lot of really cool
things and I would have a lot of great adventures, which is why I am in no rush
to get married. Or, I should say, "I don't mind being patient until I find my THAT person." But, I want to get married. And I am willing to admit that. Sometimes,
probably like a lot of us, I am worried that it won’t ever happen, or that it
will be very far off. And that is okay. Because I like what I am doing, and one
day it will probably even be hard for me to give up some of what I am doing
now. Those hopes and dreams that get me up in the morning and keep me up late
will maybe need to be partially-abandoned one day.
And that is okay. Because someday I want to be Mrs. Not-Pearce. I want
my HEA.