Why ghosting stings so much - and how to get through it with your self-esteem intact

If you’re currently single, or you have been in recent years, two things are inevitable.1. People in secure relationships will ask if you’ve considered trying “that Tinder thing”, as if it’s a truly groundbreaking suggestion.

At least when someone breaks up with you on a Post-It, you have some answers. Even lame ones. (HBO)

‘My ghosting experience left me reeling’

Isabel* found herself completely bewildered when the guy she was dating suddenly cut off contact a few years ago.They’d been spending plenty of time together during their uni break, but things took a sharp detour when Sam* went camping with some friends.“We were meant to meet the following day, but I didn't think too much of it and sent him a text to see how he was. No reply,” Isabel recalls.“The following day I sent him another text to see how the camping went and about meeting up. Still no reply.”

She tried calling a mutual friend, and even drove out to visit Sam’s parents - whom she knew well - to confirm everything was OK.

“While awkwardly talking to his Mum in the driveway, the mutual friend called me back, told me Sam had gone back to uni early and assumed he had told me,” Isabel recalls. And that was that. As if being ghosting wasn’t hurtful enough, Isabel’s genuine concern for Sam, and her fear something had happened to him, was salt in an already gaping wound. “He made me feel quite foolish and stupid in the process. It also just seemed completely unnecessary and quite cruel,” she adds.

'Ghost' the movie: very good. Being 'ghosted' by a date: absolutely terrible. (Paramount Pictures)

Where did all these Houdinis come from?

Rebecca Ridani, Clinical Psychologist Registrar at My Life Psychologists, says the digital dating world has created the ideal environment for ghosting to flourish like mould in a dank inner-city sharehouse. “People are meeting each other via dating apps and social media and don’t necessarily have friends in common, which means there’s no real social consequence for the person doing the ghosting and they can ‘get away’ with this behaviour,” Ridani says.

The physical distance created by technology also makes the vanishing act easy to pull off, with the added benefit of not having to experience the discomfort of breaking up. “Perhaps it speaks to the difficulty that we have as a society in dealing with negative emotions, and many of us are conflict avoidant so may see this behaviour as being somehow easier,” Ridani adds.

“Giving this behaviour an innocent-sounding name like ‘ghosting’ has probably served to make it seem more acceptable to some, and perhaps there’s an element of desensitisation to it.”

Not all 'ghosts' are friendly like Casper here. (Universal Pictures)

Why ghosting stings so much more than a regular breakup

Even the most confident among us can be brought undone by a ghost, and there’s good reason for that. Ridani says in an old-school breakup, the person ending things acknowledges that a connection existed, regardless of how brief it might have been, and shares a clear communication about the status of the relationship. With ghosting, none of this information is available, leaving the victim to “fill in the blanks” on their own - and with absolutely no closure on the matter. Fun times.

“It’s a painful kind of social rejection that can leave you feeling disrespected, disposable and betrayed, as well as questioning your judgments,” Ridani says. The human desire to connect and form relationships with others, and the fact our brains are basically wired for it, doesn’t really help us out here. “Being ghosted activates our fear of disconnection and can have a negative impact on our self-confidence. We may find our thoughts caught up in the ‘not enough’ trap,” Ridani adds. “If people are not able to step back from these thoughts and instead take them as literal truths, it can contribute to negative feelings and low self-confidence.”

LISTEN: The Life Bites podcast on the importance of saying "no" - which we all need to do to ghosting. (Post continues.)

Getting through the pain of being ghosted - with your self-esteem intact

Do: Talk to your loved ones about how you’re feeling, or seek professional help if you’re really not coping.Don’t: Listen to or believe every thought that’s running through your mind right now, because chances are they’re going to be a little warped by what you’ve been through. “If you need to, recruit the help of a trusted person to help you see things from a different perspective and to remind you of the great qualities that you do possess,” Ridani advises.

Do: Engage in activities that make you feel good and connected to ‘here and now’, whether it be running, going out for a coffee, or taking yourself to the movies. “Treat yourself exactly as you might treat a friend who has gone through something similar and extend that same level of compassion, kindness and care to yourself,” Ridani says.Don’t: Blame yourself or personalise the experience by thinking it’s all your fault. “When we go through difficult times our thoughts may nosedive into negative territory and our minds may become neighbourhoods of self-critical talk and blame,” Ridani says.

Channel your inner Ghostbuster and kick that ghost out of your life. (Sony Pictures)

“Focus your attention on the people in your life who do want to be around you, who love spending time with you and see the wonderful qualities that you embody,” Ridani says.ABSOLUTELY DO NOT: contact the person who ghosted you, no matter how tempting it is. “Regardless of their reasons, the message is loud and clear: they no longer want to be in contact,” Ridani says. “Coming to accept this is going to be healthier for you, so turn your focus onto those individuals who do want to spend time with you.” Also, there’s a very high likelihood your attempt at contact will go disregarded (two words: Leopards. Spots). Spare yourself the pain and let that ghost go.