"Well written, funny and wistful" - Paul Linford; "He is indeed the Lib Dem blogfather" - Stephen Tall"Jonathan Calder holds his end up well in the competitive world of the blogosphere" - New Statesman"A prominent Liberal Democrat blogger" - BBC Radio 4 Today programme"Charming and younger than I expected" - Wartime Housewife

Friday, September 22, 2006

Stanley Unwin: A tribute

As usual the Glee Club was held on the last evening (Wednesday) of the Liberal Democrat Conference. It featured a mini-show from the Liberal Revue team. I made my debut with them, writing and performing the following piece.Ralph Bancroft introduced me as "Professor Jonathan Calder" ...

Thank, you Ralph. And as Ralph said, this is something of an experiment. But I hope you will find this session useful.

Yesterday the party votey through of a new policy. Hands up and showit and all amendies defeated. Deep joy of a Ming Campbell.

Now I am asky to explain the polly to you, fellow Libby Demloppers, who will be out on the doorstep and sell it.

Historibold, which is of the oldest, we have the policy of the raisy taxers of the John Maynard Keynes, William Beverbold and all the apparaty of the post-war welfy state.

This is of a health service when you fallolop, schools for the childibold and a penshy for Grandma - a big thank you to Davit Lloydy George there. Oh yes, indeedy ho.

This was long a deep joy. And was a change of the Tory society, which was I'm all right matey and kick your neighbour up the bocus.

Time movey on, however. And we have the arise of two in the factormost. First we have the fear of the MPs. They have a thorcus. Putty up of the income tax and losey seats in the landyslide. Oh yes. This would be a deep folly.

At the same time (which is simultanebold) we have the fear of the global warmy. A few year and we all have the climey of the who's a silly isle-ode?

You may say this is a joy, with the rubby on of the suncream and the relaxy in the deckfalloloper. But this is of a folly because of the risey temps and resulting flood - all slosh and welly bootit - of the coastal airybolds. Notably of Brighton itself, where we are meety tonight.

Putty this together in a combinibold is Vince Cable, who is of a shadow chancellor. With the appointy of the tax commission - apply and join it matey! - and its reporty, we have the thorcus of a new policy.

No longer do we tax the rich pip and squeak it - all jewels and dangly as they are. In this new thorcus we do a cut of the pension relief, which is a missy of the headlines and hopey they don't notice.

Also new is a tax of the gas guzzler - four by four with childibold and golden labrafalloloper in the back and driveit. There is a deep fear, as I say, of a global warmit and melty ice caps.

As you know, in the debate Evan Harris - there's a falloloper! - had a different thorcus, which was of his own. Sticky up of the top rate and spend it, matey.

Well we all had a votey and Chris Huhne was of the speakimost. It was a sitty down, wavey cards and clearly lost, thank you conference. Oh yes.

You may also have seen several amendibolds of Canterbury. Movey of a Michael Steed, who is so veneralbold that he is mentioned in the original Geoffrey Chaucey. The Falloloper's Tale - a great joy to the literarymost amongst you.

Incidentallybold Phil Willis, who was once of a headmaster (all swish and bendit) had a great thorcus of a stretch of the tax envelope.

Well Vince Cable, who was top at Shell - with a drill and gushit - has the calculate of this. With the new charge of the Royal Mail - which was the Consigniamost and changey back pronto - the stretch of the envelope is a great cost and force a closey of all the schools and hospitals. Oh yes.

So now we are all passy of a new pollytito. Now you must be out and sellit on the doorstep. Communicate to the peopleload!

Not just for the Focus and stuffit. But for the knock and talkit, sorry madam I'll come back later and huffalo dowder down the garden path.

When they are asky of the new policy, just repeat the explainibold I have given you and they are all votey with a bigger majority. Indeedy ho!