7. If a pregnant woman does not tell you of the birth, do not ask about it. What happened may be too painful a subject for her and also may not be your business.

15. Also for new parents: Please do not assume that everyone is entertained by unsolicited stories of the birth. Keep it private unless asked for.

Don't these two contradict each other? It's rude to talk about the birth without being asked, but it's also rude to ask?

Well, with number 7, I'm saying that if a pregnant woman doesn't mention the birth, it's because she may have miscarried, had an abortion, had a stillbirth, or given the child up for adoption-all of which have the potential to be really painful subjects, so it's best for the woman to initiate any discussion of what happened.

With number 15, I'm saying that not everyone is entertained by unsolicited stories of the delivery and the medical aspects, nor do they want to see videos of the birth or photos. It's one thing to mention how happy and excited one is about one's new child, but that's as far as a new parent should go unless their audience member asks further.

Logged

I'm away from sanity right now...please leave a message after the beep.

Ah, I see. Well, then, maybe you should explain a little more in the first one. You say "if a pregnant woman doesn't want to talk about the birth . . ." If a woman is pregnant, then "the birth" hasn't happened yet. And you say "What happened may be . . . " yet there's no reason to believe anything has happened at all.

So, I guess I mean I'm confused - do you mean, a formerly-pregnant woman? Or a woman who you understood to be pregnant, but hasn't spoken about it and therefore it's possible she's somehow lost the pregnancy?

ETA: Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked.

Ah, I see. Well, then, maybe you should explain a little more in the first one. You say "if a pregnant woman doesn't want to talk about the birth . . ." If a woman is pregnant, then "the birth" hasn't happened yet. And you say "What happened may be . . . " yet there's no reason to believe anything has happened at all.

So, I guess I mean I'm confused - do you mean, a formerly-pregnant woman? Or a woman who you understood to be pregnant, but hasn't spoken about it and therefore it's possible she's somehow lost the pregnancy?

Yes, exactly. A woman who was pregnant but did not announce the birth.

Quote

ETA: Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked.

Well, #15 is from the point of view that the woman's audience may not want to have to suck it up watching ultrasounds, videos, etc. that the proud new parents forced on them. They should be asked and not taken for granted that they want to see them.

Logged

I'm away from sanity right now...please leave a message after the beep.

ETA: Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked.

Well, #15 is from the point of view that the woman's audience may not want to have to suck it up watching ultrasounds, videos, etc. that the proud new parents forced on them. They should be asked and not taken for granted that they want to see them.

Oh, I agree completely - the only reason I questioned it was when I read it in relation to the one about not asking about a birth, it seemed as though you were saying that it was rude to tell without being asked but it was also rude to ask, and that's why they seemed to contradict each other.

I do agree that it's rude to assume that anyone and everyone will be enthralled with a minute-by-minute recap of one's birth experience.

But if someone really does want to hear about it, and believe it or not, there are some who do, I don't think it's rude to ask, nor is it rude to tell about it if you are asked.

But now that I've read the qualifiers for the first one, I get that what you meant and what I interpreted are not the same thing anyway, so it's beside the point (my comment, that is).

Pregnant Women- Please do not use your stomach as a battering ram. Having someone run in to you with their stomach is never fun- having them run in to you with a really large stomach full of baby is just awkward. I'm more than happy to move if you need me to, bumping against me repeatedly with your tummy is a little barbaric.

Pregnant Women- Please do not use your stomach as a battering ram. Having someone run in to you with their stomach is never fun- having them run in to you with a really large stomach full of baby is just awkward. I'm more than happy to move if you need me to, bumping against me repeatedly with your tummy is a little barbaric.

Really?? People do that? I have become more careful not to touch anybody with my big belly! I bet it is slightly uncomfortable to be hit with a belly that is full of baby!

ETA: Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked.

Well, #15 is from the point of view that the woman's audience may not want to have to suck it up watching ultrasounds, videos, etc. that the proud new parents forced on them. They should be asked and not taken for granted that they want to see them.

Oh, I agree completely - the only reason I questioned it was when I read it in relation to the one about not asking about a birth, it seemed as though you were saying that it was rude to tell without being asked but it was also rude to ask, and that's why they seemed to contradict each other.

I do agree that it's rude to assume that anyone and everyone will be enthralled with a minute-by-minute recap of one's birth experience.

But if someone really does want to hear about it, and believe it or not, there are some who do, I don't think it's rude to ask, nor is it rude to tell about it if you are asked.

But now that I've read the qualifiers for the first one, I get that what you meant and what I interpreted are not the same thing anyway, so it's beside the point (my comment, that is).

I think what it boils down to is, detailed birth stories are one of those things that make at least some people uncomfortable, some of the time ... so both the mother and the person she's speaking with should be aware of this, and tread carefully. If you're in a public place, where others might overhear you without wanting to, that's not the time. If you're somewhere private, and both parties are willing to talk about it, that's fine, so long as neither puts the other in the position of hearing/ asking for TMI. In other words, unless this is your sister or BFF or someone who already knows your boundaries (and vice-versa), you can start out with something fairly vague like, "Did the delivery go smoothly?" or "Gee, it was a pretty tough birth," and then leave it at that *unless* the other person clearly indicates that they want more details.

Orisha

While grandchildren are a wonderful blessing, they are not something you are "owed" by your adult children. Whether your children and their partners are child-free by choice or for some other reason, they don't want to hear all about what a disappointment this is to you, or for you to try to change their minds.

POD. To add to that, grandparents should be mindful that they are not the baby's mother or father and unless the welfare of the child is genuinely at stake, they should keep criticisms of their offsprings' parenting skills to themselves. (With an exception for solicited advice.) Grandparents have had the opportunity to raise their own children. Now it is time for them to step off and allow their children to do the same.

I know this was in the OP but I feel the need to add it again, since it is the only real problem I have had since I have been pregnant.

Do not tell the MTB all about your episiotomy or lack there of, causing you to "rip from end to end". I have heard this story 5 times from different people. I know it is funny to you now, but seeing as this is my first child and I have no idea what to expect, all your horror stories are freaking me out!

I experienced the same thing! I think some people think that since something happened to them that it means it happens to most people and that's not always the case. I think maybe some people get a kick out scaring moms-to-be. If it makes you feel any better, I know WAY more women who've had positive experiences than bad experiences in this arena.

Someone earlier in the thread mentioned that you shouldn't lecture anyone about circumcision. Pod. It is an extremely personal decision with pros and cons on both sides so it's best left private.

One thing I learned from having my baby recently was that some people are so worried about bothering the new parents that they avoid them completely and the parents may not want that. We spent days after we first got home from the hospital calling/emailing friends letting them know not only was it ok for them to come visit, we wanted them to. We wanted to show our little guy off to our friends and were sad we weren't being given the chance to do so. I think the best thing to do in this situation is to ask if the parents want visitors either way and then believe them.

1-) If a woman is breastfeeding and expresses her preferences to do it privately/not have any males see, don't exclaim 'But it's naaturallllllllllll!/But it's just you're husband's nephew!/any other type of dismissive comment while opening the door/curtain/yelling out that the unwanted people can come into the room, leaving the breastfeeding woman scuffling to protect her modesty.

2-) If you are in a breastfeeding woman's home and you do not want to see the breast, please feel free to go home/leave the room, instead of crying out 'Oh, no!' and making a song and dance of covering your eyes and turning your back.