How Your Favorite Politicians Are Spending Thanksgiving

Gary Johnson: Thanks to his attempt to purchase a turkey going horribly wrong, is spending today receiving a lovely tour of Istanbul from a friendly taxi driver

Hillary Clinton: Giving thanks for the free time and relaxation she now has thanks to her election loss, but not really meaning it

Jill Stein: Making everyone really confused about whether they should be angry or grateful for her

Rudy Giuliani: Once again reprising his fan-favorite role as Rudy, the Giuliani family’s loud, racist uncle

Justin Trudeau and Joe Biden: Thanksgiving may not be a Canadian tradition, but that doesn’t mean hunky Prime Minister Justin Trudeau doesn’t have something to “give” his American friend! The only thing “hotter” than America’s ovens today…is the XXX action on my fanfiction.net page!

Newt Gingrich: As he does every year, thanking the American people for letting a slimy man who let himself be called “Newt” somehow enjoy this extensive of a career in the public eye

Bernie Sanders: Uncle Bernie was quick to round up all the kids and sit them down for another of his Thanksgiving stories about the distinction between “socialism” and “democratic socialism”

Marco Rubio: Removed from table-heading duties after unwittingly saying the same grace four times in five minutes

Rick Perry: Attempting to debate his 21-year-old niece, a College Democrat, but in the end actually coming around quite a bit to her point of view

Donald Trump: Oh, no! The Donald has never experienced genuine thanks, because his heart is two sizes too small! Can the residents of Trumpville help him discover the true meaning of Thanksgiving before he starts evicting them all? Find out tonight at 9 PM Eastern / 8 Central, only on NBC!

Barack Obama: Warm, happy meal with his family and closest friends / gluttonously swigging the blood of aborted fetuses in a twisted, Satanic feast (pick the one corresponding to your worldview)