Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
3310

The Blizzard
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid that the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they were on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU??? Emilio Minotti

Tuesday

Joke
N°
3250

Wives
Marriage... the end of a perfectly good sex life.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. SMS_29

Wednesday

Joke
N°
3251

Magic Genie
Two guys are walking down the street one winter day talking and laughing.
As theyre talking, one of the guys pulls out an enormous lighter, lights his cigarette and keeps talking. The other guy says "Man, that is the biggest lighter I have ever seen in my life, you gotta tell me where you got it"
"Well" says the other guy; "You are my best friend, so I will tell you."
"Tell me what?" says the friend.
The guy draws deeply on his cigarette, puts away his lighter and says, "Ive got a magic genie."
"A magic genie?" says the friend, "and you never told me? Do you think I could have just one little bitty wish?"
The guy looks down at the ground, shuffles his feet and finally says very hesitantly, "Well, I guess you are my best friend," and with that, proceeds to pull out a miniature bottle from his coat pocket.
Wasting no time, the friend immediately starts his wish "I wish I had one-million bucks right now," and poof! The sky grows instantly dark with the shadow of one-million ducks flying high in the sky.
"What the hell happened?" says the friend, "I asked for one million bucks, not ducks"
"Oh," says the guy "I forgot to tell you, my genie is a little hard of hearing. "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch Bic?" Veronica Sallee

Thursday

Joke
N°
3252

Politics 101
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "what is politics?"
His dad says, "well son, let me explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me the President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his father has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap." Justin Beaulieu

Friday

Joke
N°
3253

True Friendship
For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of reality.
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the punk who made you sad.
When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb-a**.
When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.
This is my oath, I pledge till the end
Why, you may ask? Because you're my friend. Joseph Cleary

Saturday

Joke
N°
3254

Two Ethical QuestionsQuestion #1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answers.
Question #2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer...
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
And by the way, regarding the abortion question -- if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven. Brett Smith

Sunday

Joke
N°
3255

30 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Man
30. Your a** is never a factor in a job interview.
29. Your orgasms are real. Always.
28. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
27. You can be president.
26. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
25. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
24. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
23. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
22. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to icky.
21. Same work... more pay.
20. Wrinkles add character.
19. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
18. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
17. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
14. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
13. Your socks are not attached to your underpants.
12. Your phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
11. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
10. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
9. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
8. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
7. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
6. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
5. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
4. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
3. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
2. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
1. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. Jim Fisher