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Part Two: Vancouver a difficult social atmosphere for many newcomers

Growing Apart: Part Two

Patricia Gorman says it was difficult for her to make friends when she first moved to Vancouver several years ago.

Photograph by: Steve Bosch
, PNG

When Jacob Kojfman moved to Vancouver from Toronto to take a job at age 31, he found this city was a tough social nut to crack.

At work, there weren’t a lot of people his age who weren’t married or in relationships, said Kojfman, who was single at the time. He joined networking groups, played some sports and spent time volunteering, but found it difficult to develop anything more than superficial relationships.

“I found Vancouver to be a very cold city,” said Kojfman, now 35, married and working as a lawyer.

“There’s just a lot of insincerity ... nobody would invite you to somebody’s house for dinner and it’s almost like if you do meet somebody now, it’s like, well, why do you want to have coffee? People will say it, but not necessarily [mean it]. And I’m just as guilty about not following up,” he said.

A Vancouver Foundation survey on community connections, released Monday, suggests one in three Metro residents find it difficult to make friends in this city. People between the ages of 24 and 35, those who had lived in either Canada or their neighbourhood for fewer than five years and people who live in suites in houses were especially likely to feel this way.

This has implications for the wider community, according to an analysis of the survey results by Sentis Research. Those who have difficulty making friends are less trusting of others, feel less cohesion with their neighbours and are more likely to feel alone and unwelcome than those who do not have difficulty making friends, the Sentis analysis found.

“There is a hardening of attitudes that comes with negative experiences trying to forge friendships,” the analysis said.

The good news from the Vancouver Foundation survey is that more than half of the 3,841 respondents reported having four or more close friends whom they see at least two or three times a month.

Asked about the obstacles to seeing close friends, respondents cited work or school obligations at the top of the list, followed by family obligations and being too far away.

Patti Gorman, who moved to Vancouver from San Diego three years ago with her family, noted the region’s geography does not lend itself particularly well to friends getting together. Gorman’s husband had friends in the city from years ago whom they see fairly regularly, and she met a few people at the dog park or at her son’s school, but nothing really stuck in terms of a solid friendship, she said. The friends she did make were all through work and most live far away. Commute time and the price of gasoline factor into these decisions, Gorman said.

“Even though intentions are good, I find some of the geography of Vancouver is very limiting in terms of ... it’s inconvenient to cross that bridge.”

Gorman admits that keeping in touch with friends in other cities through social media may have made her less motivated to make more of an effort locally.

“It’s easy to feel connected and then realize ... Thanksgiving comes around and you don’t have an invitation anywhere,” she said.

A 2010 Angus Reid poll suggested Vancouverites are more addicted to social media than residents of any other Canadian city, but felt among the least connected to friends and family.

When Jamie Shafer moved to the North Shore from Kelowna, he thought he’d see his friend in White Rock all the time. But after a few trips to White Rock, Shafer said he realized he’d better start packing a lunch. Vancouver is not, he said, a city that lends itself well to socialization.

“There’s not much time left over for, ‘I think I’ll go to the curling club and have a beer.’”

Shafer, a native of Saskatoon, was also struck by the cultural chilliness in Vancouver, something he particularly noticed on his jogs along the West Vancouver seawall, when other runners did not return his greetings.

“I can understand that. It’s the big city. I’m repeatedly told: ‘Don’t expect your Saskatoon values to be present here in Vancouver even though a majority of people may have come from the Prairies,’” he said. “But it got to a point where I was contemplating printing up a T-shirt: ‘Would it kill you to just say hello?’”

Gorman speculates that Vancouver’s soggy weather might have something to do with this. Umbrellas tend to shield people from each other and not many are keen to linger in the rain to have a conversation with a stranger, Gorman said.

In San Diego, where the weather is much warmer, people spent more time outside socializing. Even in Gorman’s hometown of Calgary, with its cold winters, people dress for the weather and are more willing to talk to each other, she said.

Gorman, a health care professional, also said she’s noticed a distinct undercurrent of stress in this city, something she has noticed particularly on the roads.

“I generally get the sense that people are just stressed and I don’t know if that’s affordability or perhaps weather,” she said. “I think the sunshine makes a big difference.”

Kojfman — who jokingly admits that Vancouver can’t be too unfriendly as he met his wife here — said he believes the frosty attitude has to do with the fact that many people moved to the city for university and already have established networks, making it difficult for someone like himself, who moved to the city in his early 30s, to break in.

“I think that’s one of the biggest things there is. Why bother trying to make new friends, for example, when you know that you have some people you can hang out with on Saturday night already?”

Kojfman’s point was echoed by Janelle Snipe-Burke, who moved to Vancouver from Toronto just over a year ago.

“Being almost 30, I find most people my age already have their group of close friends,” she said. “I’ve been homesick for more than one year, I think in large part because I haven’t made any good friends that make me feel like Vancouver could be home.

“People I know who have lived here and since moved back tell a similar story.”

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