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favourite lawyer jokes

16th January 2013, 22:42:PM

Let's hope THIS thread doesn't attract the wrong kind of attention. The old one's are the best ones and have been giggling about this one

Harry has had such a bad time with solicitors - lost everything through divorce and the rest through incompetence of his lawyers. Even though he is a devout Christian, he begins to have a compulsion to run lawyers over in his white van whenever he spots one.

One day, his Parish Priest asks him for a lift to the next village. On the way, Harry spots a solicitor on the pavement and instinctively drives at him - but suddenly remembers the Priest, so veers off at the last moment, narrowly missing him.

Nevertheless, there is a thud. Harry looks in the mirror and sees nothing, so slams on the brakes and puts the van into reverse "Sorry Father, I thought I just missed that Lawyer" says he.

"Don't worry" says the Priest "I got him with the door."

“Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” Joseph Campbell

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St Peter makes a clerical error and sends a good man, an engineer, to Hell. Within a few weeks he has installed aircon, roads and many other systems so that the residents are much more comfortable and things are working well.

God finds out.

Phones the Devil and says there has been a mistake and he would like the engineer sent up to heaven where he belongs.

"No way!" says the Devil - "it's much better down here now."

Much argument, neither budges.

"Well then I'm going to have to sue you" says God.

"Oh yeah" says the Devil " and where are you going to find a solicitor?"

“Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” Joseph Campbell

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Two men are sitting on tropical beach , the says ahh insurance . I'm a lawer and my offices burnt down this is the result anough to retire on . The second man looks at him and says well I ran a shop and there was a flood and the shop and all my stock was destroyed. fortunately I was well insured . Interesrtiong says the lawer , twell me how do you start a flood?

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a man goes to heaven and says to St Peter, "All my life I have been pestered by lawyers, I cannot come in unless there are no lawyers here!"
St Peter assures him there are no lawyers, so in he walks to be faced with Solictors offices, lawyers adverts, and legal wigs everywhere.
A wigged lawyer walks in to an office, and the man spins and says, "That's not fair, you said there were no lawyers here!"
St Peter shrugs and says, "I'm sorry thats not a laywer, its God, he just THINKS hes a lawyer!"

sigpic

Past The Rainbow, North of the North Star

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On his deathbed, a man asks for his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to come to see him.

Explaining that each have been very important in determining the course of different aspects of his life he gives each of them an envelope containing £50,000 in cash, asking them to throw it in his grave on top of his coffin.

Come the funeral, each throws in the envelope and they head off together to the wake. Suddenly the Doctor says "Well actually, he owed me £10,000 in medical bills, so I'm afraid I took that out first and only threw in £40,000".

"That's alright", says the Priest "I kept back £20,000 for the church - it was always a cause he supported".

"Well, you've both really shocked me" says the Lawyer "I wrote out a cheque for the full amount and threw it in".

“Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” Joseph Campbell

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On his deathbed, a man asks for his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to come to see him.

Explaining that each have been very important in determining the course of different aspects of his life he gives each of them an envelope containing £50,000 in cash, asking them to throw it in his grave on top of his coffin.

Come the funeral, each throws in the envelope and they head off together to the wake. Suddenly the Doctor says "Well actually, he owed me £10,000 in medical bills, so I'm afraid I took that out first and only threw in £40,000".

"That's alright", says the Priest "I kept back £20,000 for the church - it was always a cause he supported".

"Well, you've both really shocked me" says the Lawyer "I wrote out a cheque for the full amount and threw it in".

I heard that the Lawyer clambered into the grave, picked up and pocketed the two envelopes, then wrote out a cheque for £150,000 which he left on top of the coffin.

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A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

3 likes

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