Are You Making These 4 Relationship Mistakes?

I, like many of you, was brought up and programmed to believe in a number of ideas that have turned out to be untrue. These false beliefs led me to make various life and relationship mistakes. I didn’t like making mistakes any more than you do, but it is from my mistakes that I’ve learned so much.

In this article, I’m going to discuss the 4 major mistakes that I used to make and that so many of my counseling clients make before working with me.

Self-judgment

I used to judge and shame myself unmercifully, although mostly unconsciously. Until I started to pay attention to my anxiety, stress, and insecurity, I never realized how much I judged and shamed myself.

From my parents, who constantly judged themselves and me, I learned to believe that judgment was a motivator. “If I judge myself, then I will do better. If I accept myself, I will get lazy and not do what I have to do.” “If I judge myself, I can get myself to do it ‘right’ and then others will love and accept me.” “If I judge myself, I can have control over others’ not judging me.” These were just a few of the false beliefs I had about self-judgment.

Now I know that self-judgments create so much inner stress that it makes it harder to do well – not easier. Now I know that people treat me the way I treat myself, so the more I judge myself, the more others judge me. Now I know that my passion and creativity flow when I’m accepting of myself, and that self-acceptance creates an inward motivation to be all I can be.

Giving Myself Up

I was taught that the way to get love and approval was to please others – to give myself up and be what they wanted me to be.

Now I know that giving myself up is a form of controlling others, and that while I might get some temporary approval, I never feel loved when I compromise myself. Now I know that when I disrespected myself so much as to give myself up for approval, others also disrespected me. Now I know that when I love myself and approve of myself, I also experience others’ genuine love for me. Now I know that others treat me the way I treat myself. Competition vs. Cooperation

I never particularly liked to compete, but I was taught to compete for grades, for attention and for approval. I was taught that my value was in my looks and performance, not in my goodness, kindness, caring and compassion.

Now I know that there is far more joy and achievement in cooperation than competition. Now I know that I can define my own worth through my intrinsic qualities of goodness, gentleness, kindness, creativity, caring and compassion, rather than competing to be seen as worthy through others’ eyes.

Controlling vs. Learning About Loving Myself and Others

Because love was conditional in my family of origin, I learned various ways of trying to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. Judging myself, giving myself up, looking right and achieving were all ways to control how my parents and others felt about me. But with all of this, I never felt inwardly safe, secure, lovable or worthy – no matter how much approval I got.

Now I know that self-esteem comes from learning to love myself and others, rather than from getting approval. Now I know that my sense of inner safety and worth comes from how I treat myself and others rather than from how others treat me.

My life has improved dramatically since I no longer make these 4 life and relationship mistakes, and so will yours!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including: Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years. Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages. After practicing traditional psychotherapy for 17 years, Margaret was discouraged by the results – both for her clients and herself. She had spent years trying to heal from her own dysfunctional and abusive background, but found herself still suffering with anxiety and relationship problems. She started to seek a process that works fast, deep, creates permanent change, loving relationships, inner peace, and joy. In 1984, she met and became friends with Dr. Erika Chopich, who had half the Inner Bonding® process, and Margaret had the other half! They have been evolving this incredibly powerful healing process for the last 26 years. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, in workshops and 5-Day Intensives, and with members of Inner Bonding Village at innerbonding.com. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Dr. Margaret has just completed a 12 year project call SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution software program. SelfQuest® is being donated to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families, and businesses. You can read about SelfQuest® and see a short video of it at selfquest.com. In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride and play with her horses, and spend time with her children and grandchildren.