Hope you all are doing great. I just needed some advice and input on this topic. My sister recently has met someone from different nationality and alhamdulaah she was very satisfied with his deen. Things are getting very serious now and she has informed our parents about it. Both my father and mother were very shocked by the fact that my sisters wanted to marry outside her nationality. My parents are very cultural and are severely against my sister choice of future partner. I feel bad for both parties as I feel I am but in the middle of the situation. My parents want to cut all ties with my sister if she marries this guy. I am very saddened by the whole situation as I want a happy marriage for my sister, one where she gets the full blessing of her parents. I myself have no objections as I know that my sisters has the right to choose whomsoever she wants. However, what bothers me a lot is the consequences that will follow her decision. I do not want my parents to cut all ties with my sister and also I am of the opinion that no guy, no matter where he is from is worth this, after all our parents have always been there for us.

Replies: Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 16 November 2012 at 12:58am

Walaikum assalam w arahmatullahi wa barkatuhu,
Dear Sister,

Its sad to hear about the situation you and your sister are facing.

Allah has given all of us the right to choose our life partners, islamically there is no problem doing this.

Our parents think they know better and they can make better, safer decisions for us. In a way they are correct, as they are more experienced being around in this world. However in situations like this personally I think the youth should take in regard two things, both of which are important. Number one is to not compromise their lives for the sake of traditional, cultural norms and second is to not annoy ones parents.

If there is a clash between the two - here is what you should do -
First of all, you have to find out how far you and your sister know this brother and to what extent of surity? I've heard that one should marry a person who is on the same page of religion. This is most important for a successful marriage. Is the imaan and deen of your sister and this brother exactly on the same page?

It is important for her future because she is the one who will be leading her entire life with him.

Next, she may talk to your parents about this person, and at the same time telling them she will not step into her new life without their consent. It might take while for them to come around, but now that they know her wishes, they cannot force her to choose another person (islamically it is wrong to marry a daughter against her wishes). With her good mannered and respectful, percevering approaches, I think she can win her parents on her side.

She should not give in to your parents wishes if this brother is worthy of her. At the same time she should not make haste in marrying him till your parents can clearly see that she has made her choice for good.

Many thanks for giving me your insight on this issue. As you have said it perfect it is very hard to balance the two. Currently, my parents have calmed down a bit and insha allah hope everything works out for the best. My sister is also reconsidering her decision as she has realized that the sacrifice was too high. The issue of dealing with parents is very difficult though. It is hard most of the times to meet their demand and they always tend to throw at your face the rights that ALLAH has given them. If it was not for ALLAH`s sake I am sure a lot of us would not deal with our parents they way we do now.

Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 19 November 2012 at 1:00am

Walaikum assalam wa rahamtullah Dear Idil,

I understand that its is the right of parents to be treated with respect and kindness. However it is not their right to dispose their daughters against their (daughters') wishes. Also, it is not their right to prevent them from marrying who they like.

In some cultures parents go too far with their rights and thus we end up having forced/unhappy marriages.

Just wanted to run a word of caution there.

I hope and pray the whole matter is settled in best possible way.

It would be advisable for your sister to pray istekhara and then leave all to Allah.

This is what Jesus meant when He said 'I bring not peace but a sword.'This is about choosing the will of God, or choosing our own will. Honoring parents is choosing will of God. Choosing our own will separates us from those who love us. It is a painful thing we face in this life... choosing our own way or choosing God's way. Sometimes situations resolve themselves with time. I think if your sister chooses her own way and the man proves to be a good husband your parents will see this and come around. If on the other hand, the man proves not to be a Godly husband, your sister will be the loser having been separated from those who will always love her most. I think it is best always to show patience and give these things time to see if they can be accepted by all parties before making any final decision. Time usually proves all things.My daughter made a choice to keep seeing a young man that I once discouraged, but the two of them continued the friendship with full accountability and with boundaries in place, and I came to have respect for the young man and he gained my approval. He proved himself.I sympathize with your position of feeling in the middle.Blessings to you and upon this situation for your sister.

Caringheart

Posted By: Idil
Date Posted: 21 November 2012 at 8:05am

Originally posted by Nausheen

Walaikum assalam wa rahamtullah Dear Idil,

I understand that its is the right of parents to be treated with respect and kindness. However it is not their right to dispose their daughters against their (daughters') wishes. Also, it is not their right to prevent them from marrying who they like.

In some cultures parents go too far with their rights and thus we end up having forced/unhappy marriages.

Just wanted to run a word of caution there.

I hope and pray the whole matter is settled in best possible way.

It would be advisable for your sister to pray istekhara and then leave all to Allah.

Khair inshAllah.

Asalamu Calykum sis,

Insha alalh we will be cautious not to fall on that category of forced/unhappy marriages, but alhamdulaah this is not the case in our community. I am from East Africa and we don`t tend to do arrange marriages let alone forced ones. Parents only need to approve of the decisions that their children make that`s all, and on this point is where most of the conflict happens.

Posted By: Idil
Date Posted: 21 November 2012 at 8:10am

Originally posted by Caringheart

Greetings Idil,

If I may interject?

This is what Jesus meant when He said 'I bring not peace but a sword.'This is about choosing the will of God, or choosing our own will. Honoring parents is choosing will of God. Choosing our own will separates us from those who love us. It is a painful thing we face in this life... choosing our own way or choosing God's way. Sometimes situations resolve themselves with time. I think if your sister chooses her own way and the man proves to be a good husband your parents will see this and come around. If on the other hand, the man proves not to be a Godly husband, your sister will be the loser having been separated from those who will always love her most. I think it is best always to show patience and give these things time to see if they can be accepted by all parties before making any final decision. Time usually proves all things.My daughter made a choice to keep seeing a young man that I once discouraged, but the two of them continued the friendship with full accountability and with boundaries in place, and I came to have respect for the young man and he gained my approval. He proved himself.I sympathize with your position of feeling in the middle.Blessings to you and upon this situation for your sister.

Caringheart

Hi Caringheart,

Thanks for your advice, know that it is appreciated. You got great name by the way. Indeed honoring parents has been made obligatory on all of us and it is just sometimes difficult to meet this criteria. Nowadays , parents in most cases are set in their cultural ways and fail to analyses situations from different perspectives. You have handled the situation with your daughter very good and we can all learn something from this. In most cases, when daughters/sons meet someone the parents disapprove of it results into a great conflict and end up loosing their children.

Posted By: semar
Date Posted: 22 November 2012 at 12:08am

Little note: Even if i am not disagree with cross-culture/nationality marriage, we have to realize that many challenges to do so. Here one of the challenges: living as husband and wife is a 24/7 contact, to make the marriage live work you should able to compromise 24/7. Different culture/nationality means much more things need to be compromised (similar like the Dem president with GOP vice president). So we have to be aware of the factor. This one reason that majority of black marry to black, white to white, Pakistani to Pakistani, British to British etc, it doesn't mean they racist. But they only ready/comfortable to deal with their own race 24/7.

-------------Salam/Peace,
Semar
The Prophet said: "Do not eat before you are hungry, and stop eating before you are full"
"1/3 of your stomach for food 1/3 for water, 1/3 for air"

Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 22 November 2012 at 11:30am

Originally posted by Idil

Hi Caringheart,

Thanks for your advice, know that it is appreciated. You got great name by the way. Indeed honoring parents has been made obligatory on all of us and it is just sometimes difficult to meet this criteria. Nowadays , parents in most cases are set in their cultural ways and fail to analyses situations from different perspectives. You have handled the situation with your daughter very good and we can all learn something from this. In most cases, when daughters/sons meet someone the parents disapprove of it results into a great conflict and end up loosing their children.

Greetings Idil,

"You got great name by the way."Thanks, I like it.

I want to add this to our conversation. Parents are usually set in their ways for good reason. And I will say that there was tension between my daughter and myself because of her decision, but this was also her way of showing me that she was becoming an adult with good judgement, who was still not afraid to listen to me and what I had to say in guiding her.It was not my own handling of the situation that made things right but my daughter's handling of it. She honored me by never breaking contact even though she did not always like the things I had to say. She honored me by following the suggestions I made in keeping the relationship from going too far. She honored me by wanting my blessing, and if it was not there, then neither was the relationship going to be made permanent. More importantly the young man honored me by respecting my daughter in her wishes to respect me. Most importantly my daughter honored God. It is God's blessing that we wish to have bestowed. These things allowed me to respect the young man. They did, however, not end up together in the end. I was so pleased that my daughter had heeded my guidance in waiting to see if they would be compatible for life. She began, with time, to see that they would not. She is now happily married to a man whom she followed the same principles I had guided her with... taking time, making sure he was a God following man, etc.

I wish you, your sister, and your family, many blessings and guidance.Caringheart

Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 22 November 2012 at 11:16pm

Assalaamoalaikum sister.

I am a strong believer of pleasing one's parents. But if a parent is making it difficult for their child to marry outside of his/her race, then this is bad. The reason that this is bad is because Allah has placed in our hearts as a baby to geniunely love all people. Now if a person makes the comment that he will not marry outside of his race, I personally think that he is going against what his nature was as a child. Because children when they are so young, they geniunely love all people, and it is the parents who change their thinking about other cultures. Now, I do believe that as a muslim, it is good to marry someone who is a practicing muslim. If you marry someone who has no fear in God then how can the marriage work? But you can marry someone within your own culture and that person could be completely different from you. If a person is practicing his religion then his culture should come from his religion. But most people practice their enviromental culture more than their religion which is a huge problem.

I personally would not listen to my parents if they tried to disown me because I may be interested in marrying outside of my culture. I was raised to see beauty in all people from different cultures, and so how can I not be attracted to them. If you are a person who geniunely interacts with all people and have friends from all over the world then how is it that you will not be attracted to them as well. We all have our own preferences. I gauranteed you that the same things your sister loves in a man from her own race she will subconsciously find those same attractions in another man even if he is from another race, or culture.

I am not saying that your sister has to ignore that there will be cultural differences but there are cultural differences from state to state, from individual families to individual families. If she prayed to Allah to find her a nice husband, then maybe Allah is giving her a man from another cultural. And why should she ignore this blessings of hers, if the blessing is revealed to her from Allah to marry him? Your sister also needs to be aware that parents are not perfect. They have the abililty to give wrong advice because of many things. She should ask Allah about this guy and pray that Allah gives her parents wisdom etc.

I wish the best for your family.

Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 24 November 2012 at 3:52am

Assalaamoalaikum. I wanted to add that you should encourage your sister to be patience and not marry this guy as soon as possible. I feel bad that her parents are so hurt by her decision that they are willing to disown her. I think that even though who she marries is utimately her decision only it is also important that she wait for some time for her parents' approval for her marriage. This way they may realize that she also is concern for their feelings too etc. This waiting time could be less/more than six months will also give her the opportunity to see how supportive her fiance will be towards her qnd her family. This way she can also she what advice he will CONTINOUSLY give her about her parents emotions and treatment towards him or her. If he tells her dont care about what they think or that he is not given her emotional support about her parents then she will realize that he will also not be a supportive husband for her and a respectful son in law as well