Question: This is a long one – but I need some insight into what happened within this six week relationship. Th ending is unbelievable to me. I keep replaying it over and over in my head trying to figure out what went wrong. I REALLY liked this guy.

I met Bryan on an online dating app. He is 39, never married, no kids. I don’t like messaging back and forth so we matched, made plans, and went out on a Friday night shortly after.

It was the best online date I have had. He planned this ridiculous beer hopping date hitting spots all over town. The date lasted five hours! I have no problem sleeping with someone on the first date if there’s chemistry (which I RARELY feel and so never do). At the end of the night, I invited myself back to his place and we hooked up. It was amazing. We hooked up again the next morning and had breakfast at a spot by my house. He kissed me goodbye and said he would be in touch.

True to his word, he texted me that same day saying he had a great time and made plans to see me that next weekend. Our 2nd date was even better. I spent the night at his house again after a long date of Halloween fun (haunted houses, drinks, dinner). The morning after he surprised me by inviting me to take a road trip an hour away to spend the day in a cool part of town. I accepted and I had my first 24 hour date! It was amazing.

The chemistry and fun was still there on the 3rd film festival date that next weekend. I had to be at the airport early the next morning so I wasn’t expecting to spend the night with him (plus I was on my period). When I told him this, he said…”Well, this is a good time to talk about whether this is only sexual or not.” I told him that I liked him and that I don’t usually hook up with people on a first date. He said he liked me too, and that he still wanted me to come over. It was a great night. He also drops me off at the airport that morning! We texted my entire trip and as soon as I got back we made plans to get together in a few days.

By this time it felt like we we’re enjoying each other’s company no matter what we were doing. The 4th date was casual and during the week on a Thursday. I had a busy day so got to his place around 9. We grabbed dinner and I spent the night. I didn’t have to work the next morning (I work super early and he doesn’t) so we slept in and enjoyed the morning together. He even asked me about the holidays (Thanksgiving) and gave me the impression he wanted to see me that day.

I invited him to see my friend’s band play that following Tuesday. He showed up, met my friends, and charmed their pants off. But within an hour he said he had to leave to meet a buddy. This caught me off guard because I assumed we would be going home together like we usually did. He didn’t tell me he could only stay an hour. I brushed it off and hugged him goodbye.

He continued to text me the rest of the week but wasn’t making any plans. Up until now, he was always great about making plans. On Thursday, I asked him if he wanted to get together over the weekend and he said he was busy. He gave me valid reasons, and offered to grab dinner on Friday. Since it was Thursday, I had plans for that evening, which I told him. He asked if I wanted to get together sometime that next week.

At this point, I’m getting upset because I’m used to him being enthusiastic about seeing me and not being so vague. It’s been almost four weeks now of dating. I confront him by expressing that I was starting to feel confused about what we were doing. That I liked him and wanted to keep seeing him, so of course I wanted to get together soon. He said he wanted to talk in person and that the feeling was mutual. We scheduled a time to grab a quick meal before my plans Friday evening (that next day).

We finally had “the talk”…in a way. He said he had been online dating for about five months since his last on-off relationship ended. I was happy to hear ours was the longest relationship he had. We are only sleeping with each other. We talked about our dating history and I felt much closer to him. Our relationship still didn’t have a label, but it was definitely not feeling casual. He said he wanted to see me on Thanksgiving (!!!) but we didn’t make any definite plans. I asked him if I could come over that night after my plans and he declines. He says he needs his sleep for his work project tomorrow. This is weird to me, but I am accommodating and trust him. He kisses me, showing PDA in a public bar, before I leave to meet up with some friends.

This is where it all goes downhill. That next day, Saturday, I’m out with my best friend. I see a missed call and it’s him. He said he was in the neighborhood finishing up with some errands and wondered if I wanted to grab dinner. I texted him letting him know I was out, but that I appreciated the invite. He then invited me to meet his friends later at a bar. My best friend wanted to meet him, so I agreed to go. But remember, he had told me he was busy all weekend, and now he is making last minute plans!

We go. It was a large group and it wasn’t a group conversation kind of vibe since it was at a bar. I thought everything was going great, but then he tells me he is leaving. I’m taken aback. Even more so when he says, “Yeah…you’re not talking to me anyway.” I’m not sure how to respond, so I apologize and explain that I was trying to get to know his people. Plus, I am VERY introverted, and this was a lot for me. He agrees to stay longer, and we start to talk about Thanksgiving. I tell him that yes, I was planning on seeing him at some point that day. I’m surprised when he says…”Oh, yeah…we should revisit that soon.” I’m now certified confused. We stay for another hour and then leave. He kisses me on the cheek and we part ways.

I don’t hear from him much the next day, on Sunday. He doesn’t bring up Thanksgiving (which is in 4 days), so I do. I ask him if we are going to get together this week. He doesn’t respond until the next day on Monday (not his usual behavior). He asks me if I want to get together on Wednesday, which is NOT Thanksgiving. I tell him I cannot get together that day, but that I was down to hang out on Thanksgiving. He says he is sorry if he gave me the impression that he wanted to get together that day. We have our first mini argument, and he ends up apologizing for the miscommunication. We also have tentative plans to get together sometime over the weekend.

My schedule ended up changing, so I messaged him that next day asking to get together on Wednesday. At this point, it’s been two weeks of no intimacy as we only met up in public places the last two times we saw each other. He asks if we can play it by ear because his work day may be exhausting. I am starting to see all kinds of warning red signals flashing, but again, try to be accommodating. He lets me know Wednesday afternoon that he is not feeling up to hanging out. He says it’s because he needs his alone time and that the holidays make him feel weird. I’m now convinced he is blowing me off. I’m sad, but don’t react. I tell him, “OK, yeah no problem! Talk to you soon.” He asks if we can still get together over the weekend, to which I respond…”Let’s play it by ear”.

Thanksgiving day he sends me the sweetest message and we text throughout the day. The next day, Friday, he asks if I want to get together that afternoon. I accept, and we make plans to cook at his house. We had fun making dinner, and decided to put on a movie. But then…he didn’t sit by me. The entire movie he sat on the other side of the room because he said his couch wasn’t made for cuddling. This is weird to me, and I’m feeling confused/hurt. We go to bed, hook up, and go to sleep. But something was off. There was no intimacy, no talking afterwards, nothing. I convince myself it’s in my head and the morning will be better.

The morning comes and I get up to freshen up. When I come back, ready to hook up (like we always do), he’s clothed and in the living room! I go back to bed, and he never comes back. I get dressed and meet him in the living room. We have small talk, and he says he should take me home soon (I don’t have a car) because of xyz reason. I tell him that’s OK and I’ll take the bus. I go to leave, and he doesn’t get up to kiss me goodbye. I have to ask for him to, he does, and makes the comment of, “Well…see you again soon I guess.” I am devastated.

We text throughout the week, but something has changed. I invite him over one night and he says he is too tired. He doesn’t make any plans to see me again. Sometimes he forgets to text me back. By Wednesday, I still don’t know the next time we’re going to see each other. He wasn’t making plans, and I’m getting frustrated. I confront him and tell him, “Rather than texting about our day, why don’t we talk about the next time we’re going to do something fun?”. He responds with…”I’m casual with plans but if you want to plan that’s OK too. But, I’m unavailable all weekend because of xyz reason. Maybe sometime next week?”.

This is the boiling point for me. He was never a casual person throughout the entire relationship. We had been dating for six weeks now and have always saw each other at least once a week. This is MAJOR red flag to me. So…I tell him that I am feeling confused because the only way I know he’s still interested is if we’re making plans to see each other. I say I’m going to take a step back, but that if he wants to actually date me then I hope we can reconnect. He gives me a vague response, but doesn’t make any effort to tell me how he is feeling or fight for our relationship. He never says he wanted to end things, or that he didn’t see this going anywhere. I’m not sure where we stand, but things were definitely out in the open.

Now, the end of the story that keeps me up at night. That next weekend, my friend sees him at a bar. With another girl! They are obviously on a date, and I have proof from how she saw them interacting.

I am so angry! I feel lied to and taken advantage of. Why couldn’t he be honest if he was losing interest? It’s not the dating other people that hurts the most, but the lying about being busy. The excuses and the mind games to keep me on the backburner. I see now that he forced my hand in putting the brakes on the relationship so he could be the good guy and not have to end it. It would have been different if this had been casual, but his actions were never casual. I guess I’m looking for validation that I didn’t do anything wrong so I can move on. That he was blowing me off. Has this happened to anyone else? What changed? Part of me wants to confront him and see if he will be honest. Should I?

Thanks in advance…Age: 26

He said he had been online dating for about five months since his last on-off relationship ended. I was happy to hear ours was the longest relationship he had.

This sentence holds the key to unlocking your confusion. First, his last relationship was “on and off” which is synonymous with “hot and cold.” Then he shared that your four week “relationship” was the longest he’d had since starting online dating. Add those two things together and throw in the fact that this guy moved at light-speed for the first three dates and you’ve got yourself a Crash and Burner.

It sounds to me like this guy really, really ridiculously enjoys those first few weeks of a relationship when everything is – like a cruise on the Love Boat – exciting and new. During those initial few dates, he was all in, planning day-long getaways and marathon dates. That, too, was a red flag. We talk all the time ’round these parts how the first few dates are about getting to know each other. I would be very suspicious of someone I’d never met before planning some multi-spot beer tasting for a first date. Why the need to dazzle a stranger? Sure, we want to impress out dates, there’s nothing wrong with that. But who wants to constantly interrupt a flow of a conversation just to move around and, you know, drink more? I would imagine a date like that would be ideal for someone who didn’t want to get too deep into conversation. Beer tastings, haunted houses, film festivals; this guy needed distractions for those first few dates. Why? If you were to ask me (and you are) I would say thins guy wanted a buffer, something that would prevent things from getting too personal. Think about it: the only times you two were truly intimate was in the physical sense. Notice that things took a turn as soon as talk of spending a holiday together came up. That’s something a couple does, and he wasn’t ready for that.

Another red flag: he was hesitant to put a label on what you two were doing. That makes sense, since he was dating other people, but that should have immediately set off a warning bell for you, as that contradicted his behavior. He was acting like he was super into you, but when it came down to it, he couldn’t commit to anything.

Based on what you’ve shared, it appears as though this guy saw things going in a certain direction, one he wasn’t ready for, and he cooled things off when it became clear he was soon going to have make a decision: to commit or not to commit? That confusion you were picking up on was palpable, and he was going to great lengths to keep you at arm’s length, possibly to the point where you would walk away so he wouldn’t have to do the dirty work.

You didn’t do anything wrong. After a month of mega-dates and sleepovers, it’s natural that you wouldn’t to know where things were headed. Those nights he went home alone? Yeah, he wasn’t going home, and if he was, it wasn’t to be alone. More than likely, he was keeping you on the hook while he felt out the situation with another woman. That’s a kind of deception I wouldn’t be able to overlook, but YMMV. Now, that doesn’t mean you weren’t his first choice or that he never liked you. Quite the opposite; I think he did truly like you but wasn’t ready to set things in stone. I doubt anything changed other than he got cold feet and enjoyed being a kid in a proverbial candy store. People might say that the fact he was 39 and never married was a clue, but ignore them. That’s not a thing anymore and anyone who says it is doesn’t get out much.

In the future, be wary of someone who does the razzle-dazzle the way this guy did with you. Yes, it sounds romantic, but it’s also a sign he’s disappear quickly.Thoughts?

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Name: betty:Question: After reading your column The #1 Way To Look Like a Creep On Tinder & OKCupid, I was reminded of a date I went on where there was mutual disinterest. Days later I received a very long text about why he was disinterested, how he wasn’t attracted to me, yada yada yada. My response: “ditto.” This just seemed really presumptuous as I had been radio silent since our date and would’ve preferred it to stay that way. In another case, after I basically ghosted a guy who said he wouldn’t be available to date for a month, I receive another very long text weeks later about how he can’t date right now, has all these emotional issues, etc. Again, totally unprompted. These incidents made me wonder if there are people in the online dating market who like rejecting people. Instead of just going with the flow, they really really need you to know they can’t date you. I wonder if you’ve come across these people, or if your clients have, and what motivates them. Would be curious to hear others’ stories. Thanks!Age: 37

Days later I received a very long text about why he was disinterested, how he wasn’t attracted to me, yada yada yada. My response: “ditto.” This just seemed really presumptuous as I had been radio silent since our date and would’ve preferred it to stay that way.

You just answered your own question. His ego couldn’t deal with the fact that you had rejected him, so he emailed you his lengthy “explanation” to lessen the sting. Now he can delude himself into believing he rejected you and not the other way around.

These incidents made me wonder if there are people in the online dating market who like rejecting people.

I think what you’re experiencing has little to do with a desire to reject people. I tend to believe people who launch into verbose explanations like the ones you detail in your letter are just…damaged. Either they’re full of contempt because they’ve experienced persistent rejection or they’re still smarting from a split and looking for a shoulder to cry on.

Dating – both the act of it and the niche itself – has become extraordinarily toxic and repetitive. I can’t scroll through my Twitter stream without reading the same ten listicles, articles, and blog posts. People are bored and angry. The process has become exponentially more difficult. As a result, singles are exhausted. And pissed. And broken. I can’t use any app or site for more than a couple days without needing to step away for a few days to regroup from the constant rejection, fading, and unmatching. It’s just too much.

I think online dating has warped people’s ideas about dating, sex, and attraction. I mean, now “dating” includes sceanrios where you’ve emailed/texted but never met the person. We’re getting very comfortable with these kinds of detached connections. I don’t doubt that there are people out there pouring their hearts out to strangers. I think we, as a society, are starved for for connection despite living in an age that is defined by how effortlessly we can connect.

So, while I do think there are people who get off rejecting people, I think the root cause of the majority of these unsolicited explanations is a garden variety loneliness. There’s a lot of pain out there, I think. People’s self-esteem are taking one hell of a beating. That guy who reached out to you to explain he wasn’t in the right place to date anyone? My guess is he was just looking for someone to talk to. I don’t think he had sinister or malicious intentions. I honestly believe he was feeling lonely and wanted to connect with someone.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

The other morning, I woke up to a message request on Facebook. It was from a man that had seen my profile on Tinder and decided to bypass the system, find me on Facebook via our mutual friend’s profile, and message me there. I took one look at the message and its length and blocked the guy. Yes, I read it first, but there was nothing he could have said that would have made me think he wasn’t being inappropriate. I considered responding and telling him he should respect the process of swipe left or right, but he’s a grown ass man and I’m not anybody’s mother. Plus, I really didn’t want to engage the guy because people who do things like that tend to take such responses as encouragement. I hit block and didn’t think about it again.

That is, until the next morning. Seems our friend didn’t care for the fact that I blocked him. Once again circumventing the rules, he went to my ATWYS page and messaged me there, potentially creating a fake account to do so. This time, he was more snarky.

I contacted our mutual friend – a man – and asked that he speak to his friend and make it clear this kind of behavior is inappropriate and hostile. It goes without saying I have zero issues with advocating for myself. Cross a line with me and I’ll be sure to make you aware of it, should that line be one of importance. It wasn’t that I was afraid to say anything otthis guy. I didn’t fear for my safety. As I explained ot my friend, it’s time for men to start standing and speaking up for us. He agreed with no argument. There was so many things wrong with what this guy did, but the most egregious was the sense of entitlement he displayed. This guy felt he was owed a response simply for expressing interest.I’m a stranger. I don’t owe you anything, dude.

If you’re still- in 2017 – thinking people should reply to your messages “even if it’s to say they’re not interested” you need to catch up with the times. And let’s be honest, the real reason people ask for a response “either way” isn’t so they’ll know where they stand. No answer IS an answer. They want a response so they can try to further sell themselves or berate the other person in case they are rejected. By requesting a response they’re tipping their hand, letting the recipient of their message know that they don’t get many responses.

I wrote about this experience on Facebook and a follower asked where the line was in these situations. “If she links her Instagram to her Tinder profile, can I message her through Instagram?”

No. No you can’t. Here’s why: because – by linking to her Instagram profile – she’s merely inviting you to view her photos. She is not inviting you to contact her. I realize the line is blurry, which is why I always advise people not to link additional social media accounts to their dating profile. The general rule of thumb is to use only the method of communication given to you. Do not take it upon yourself to friend/follow/email/text someone because you “stumbled” across their social media page. As frustrating as it can be at times, you have to respect the process. Sure, some might say that guy was being bold in how he approached me. He was being bold, but he was also being tone deaf by not considering how an act like that could be perceived.

Respect the boundaries and the rules. Online dating is no time to be a maverick. Crossing those unspoken lines is what gets people (men and women) labeled creepy.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

]]>http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/11/28/the-1-way-to-look-like-an-online-dating-creep/feed/17Why Does Dating Make Us Believe The Worst About Ourselves?http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/11/16/why-do-we-always-believe-the-worst-about-ourselves/
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/11/16/why-do-we-always-believe-the-worst-about-ourselves/#commentsThu, 16 Nov 2017 16:30:59 +0000http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/?p=109398

There I was this morning, eating my Raisin Bran and getting my Chris Cuomo fix on CNN. Cuomo was interviewing a man who had participated in a pen-pal service for civilians and inmates. Cut to a woman in a jumpsuit behind bars gushing about the man she met through an online personal ad. The man in question? Why, the handsome silver-haired Canadian being interviewed by Cumo. The inmate explained that what initially started as a platonic relationship soon blossomed into romance. Oh, and she killed people. People, as in plural.

“She killed people!” I screamed at the TV. My cat nudged my bicep and rubbed her little head along my arm to soothe me. She. killed. people. I can’t even get a beer and plate of nachos from a guy on Tinder, but this woman convicted of homicide has a handsome boyfriend. I mean, sure, there’s bars between them ninety-percent of the time they see each other and their sex life consists of conjugal visits in a sterile room with cement block walls, but still.

That’s where my mind went: the bad place. Instead of telling myself that the woman was an example of how anything is possible, I internalized the story and made it about how totally unloveable I must be and that I am just not destined to find anyone.

Why do we do that?

Obviously, such a glass half-empty approach is a manifestation of deeper issues, right? I wouldn’t exactly describe myself as an optimist, and I’m sure neither would any of you. It’s never that I’m single because I’m supposed to be right now or because I just never made it a priority.No. I’m single because nobody wants me. It didn’t help that two days ago my nephew sent me messages to berate me. He’s the son of my sister who died four years ago this week. He’s still angry over the decisions made during my father’s probate case.

“Cry about it you cunt.”

“And that’s why you’re single.”

“No wonder no one wants you.”

I’d like to say he’s a kid, but he’s actually a middle-aged man of almost thirty-five years old. So, yeah. Those comments were still rolling around in my head watching this news segment. My default is to assume the worst about myself.

I think that’s what most people do. We look at the string of “failures” we’ve experienced using platforms that – let’s face it – aren’t really designed to make things easier or help people actually find a relationship and we blame themselves. And maybe, to some degree, it is our fault. Maybe we are too picky. Maybe we do have issues. But who says that can’t change?

I’ve always said human beings are capable of doing whatever it is they set their mind to doing. In my experience, whenever I have said I wanted to do something – truly wanted to do it – it came to me with ease. Own my own business? Done. Write a successful dating column? Done. I gave little thought to either. I just went out at made them happen. It’s the things I’m apprehensive about – writing a book (which I’m still doing); having a relationship – that I struggle with most. Why? Because I doubt my abilities. I’m a good writer, but I’m not a great writer. As for being someone’s partner, I sometimes feel held back by the trauma I’ve experienced. I suppose that’s why I go to the Bad Place every time I get rejected. I already feel like a failure, so the rejection only solidifies that belief.

I’ve been telling friends that I feel like The Universe is pushing me in a certain direction, far out of my comfort zone. Whatever guiding force is out there is trying to make me as uncomfortable as possible so that I don’t get complacent. And it’s working. Change is coming. I feel it. Better yet, I’m ready for it. Excited, even. I made a decision and followed through and so far all the signs I’m getting say I’m on the right path. Now I just need to make the same forthright decision when it comes to love.

I recently gave my friend an analogy to online dating…buying/selling a used car. Bear with me. No, we’re not objects ‘for sale’. However the process of identifying and selecting a mate is nearly identical to purchasing a used car.

Picture an individual seller, trying to sell his/her car. They post old pictures. Avoid showing dents/rust/scratches. List the mileage from 150K to 120K, and take a 3-4 years off model. The buyer is excited, because the description meets/exceeds their wants.

The seller will get a lot more buyers interested. The savvy buyers will ask a lot of up front questions, and bail if/when the true details come to light. Less experienced buyers will ask fewer questions, come out to see the car, then bail as soon as they realize they aren’t getting what was advertised (“If the seller lied about the objective facts, what else is he/she lying about?”).

HOWEVER (this is most important), the buyers that remain will know they can negotiate down…aggressively. The buyer is in a position of power because both parties now know the car is ‘valued’ less than what was advertised, and the seller will need to make concessions to seal the deal. At that point an opportunistic buyer will exploit that leverage.

Online daters have to think about their ultimate goal. If the goal is to get more matches, lying on a profile will do it, but will also waste a lot of peoples’ time in the process…and lead to more disappointment. If the goal is to find a relationship, daters will be much more successful if they provide a highly accurate, clear, and truthful description…that includes pics. Yes, they’ll get less matches, but those that are interested will be much more likely to work out.

I’ll leave with one final thought. What ever happened to the concept of ‘undersell and over deliver’? Today’s online dating is focuses too much on ‘overselling and under delivering’. That means, in most cases, when the truth is revealed (age, height, weight, etc.), the your match will be disappointed and feel deceived. You have one chance to make a good first impression…why ruin it? – Tiured of Games

These are all valid points, but the reality is that many people lie on their profiles. There’s no getting around that. So you can either cling to the moral high ground or bite the bullet and accept this reality. It would also behoove people to take a moment and ask themselves why someone might lie about things like their age, height, or weight.

Do you really believe that someone who shaves a decade off their age or adds four inches or posts old photos is being malicious? I don’t. I think a person who does that is just trying to get the interview, so to speak. More than likely, they’ve experienced a tremendous amount of rejection, not because they’re bad people, but because we live in a shallow society. Maybe they’re lonely and just want a chance. Someone intentionally misrepresenting a product in an ad is doing it for one reason only: greed. They just want the money. Sure, some people will lie just to get a free meal or sex, but be honest. Those instances are few and far between.

Willfully lying – either overtly or a lie of omission – when selling a service or product is fraud. It’s a criminal act. Shaving a decade off your age is not on par with being a criminal. It goes without saying that dating in 2017 has become exponentially harder than it ever was. People are frustrated and hurt and lonely and just wondering when they’re going to get their turn. That’s all they want: an opportunity to shine. That’s it. That’s the main reason why people fudge the details. They just want to find someone.

If you were to ask me my preference, I would say I prefer to date a guy taller than me. But there is a guy at my gym – my cycling buddy – that I think is crazy sexy. I’ve thought that from the first moment I met him a year ago. He’s maybe five foot seven, and I’m being genrous. If he listed his height on his profile at 5’6″, I’d probably skip right past him. But in person? I get crazy turned on just listening to his labored breaths after our cycling intervals. The most egregious development since the explosion of apps and online dating sites is that we’ve been groomed to determnine someone’s attractiveness or value based on a number or other one-dimensional criteria. Do you have any idea how many people are disqualified because they don’t qualify as conventionally attractive? Lots of people.

So the next time you bemoan the dishonesty involved with online dtaing, look in the mirror. We have created this monster.Thoughts?

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

: Comment: Moxie I’m at the end of my tether. I’ve just come off a dating site having had a 4 month stint. I decided the calibre of men on this site wasn’t for me and I would rather be pursued in person. I had 3 good dates with 3 separate men. I am a pretty girl so I get inundated with messages about my looks but I have insecurities about my weight (UK size 12-14) which is why I felt the need to sign up (I’m working on these). Note: my photos are all about good angles and I’m clear my body type is average not slim. My issue is therefore not getting asked out but actually that men never follow through with it and I’m sick of it. In these 4 months I have had maybe a dozen exchanges with men who I want to meet who set a date with me and never follow through and it leaves me feeling powerless. Perfect example would have been yesterday evening when I should have been on a date with a handsome guy, my age in my industry but I didn’t hear from him since Monday when he referenced the date! What am I doing wrong? All I want to do is send him a sarcastic message saying “thanks for the date!” Age: 27 City: London State: London

Note: my photos are all about good angles and I’m clear my body type is average not slim.

This is the clue that unlocks this mystery. Guys are fading on you a) because fading and flaking is at an all-time high and b) because they can’t tell what you look like and assume you’re hiding something. Which you are.

Having your potential date fade is de rigueur these days, but there are things you can do to lessen the likelihood they’ll blow you off.

1. Post clear and accurate photos to your profile – Are these men asking for additional photos? If so, that’s a sign that the pictures you have don’t present your body in a way so as someone can gauge whether or not you’re their preferred body type. It could also indicate that you don’t look relatively similar in the photos you have posted. Meaning, you may look noticeably slimmer in some pictures than others. So I would get a few friends to look at your photos and ask them if they’re accurate. Avoid pictures of you sitting down. They should be shots of you standing up, facing the camera, unobstructed. Don’t hide your curves. Show them off. If you look like you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel just to look more attractive, guys are going to sense your discomfort with your body.

You and I have similar body types. For those of you who hear “Size 12″ and think, “Ermergard so fat!” this is an example:

I defy any man to say that body isn’t attractive. Of course, there will be some, and that’s okay. I happen to believe that our body type is more attractive to some men than they are willing to admit. As I mentioned recently, there’s status involved with dating someone who is considered conventionally attractive. Just like some women won’t be seen with a short guy because she fears people will assume she’s desperate, so are there men who exclusively date conventionally slender women for the same reason. God forbid they show up at their reunion or company picnic with a fattie. What will all of their Facebook friends think?

2. Don’t do all the heavy lifting. - If you have to initiate the conversation and suggest you meet offline, there’s a really good chance the other person is just going along with the conversation with no real intention to meet you. They’ll keep you in the arsenal just in case, but they aren’t going to go out of their way to meet you. Recognize when you’re doing the majority of the work and back off. Let them make a move. If they don’t, they’re lukewarm about meeting. By doing all the work, they’ll assume you’re desperate and you’ll end up out with a guy who will say anything to get into your pants.

3. Follow up - What is transpiring during these conversations when you set up the date. Are you making plans and then going radio silent? If so, take the initiative and follow up with them a day before the set date and confirm. Are you just saying, “Hey, we should meet for a drink?” and they’re agreeing but not making any more effort? Well, then there’s your answer. In those cases, just walk away. You don’t want to go out with someone who doesn’t show genuine interest in meeting.

4. Be proactive. - Don’t just accept the invitation to meet for a drink. Respond and say that you’d love to meet up and then suggest a couple of nights. Then settle on a time and place to meet and tell the person you’ll follow up the day before to re-confirm. Take control. A lot can go down in four days when you’re dating online. That’s how fast things move. You can not sit back and wait for the other person to make a move. Online dating requires a certain level of assertiveness. Forget about worrying if you seem like you’re chasing them by confirming. You’re not. If they’re interested enough, they won’t care. The ones who were meh about you will back away, and thank god for that. You don’t need them.

5. Avoid the half-assers - The smart thing to do when it comes to online dating is to avoid anybody who doesn’t look like they’ve made a concerted effort to present themselves well. I’m talking about the people with a barely filled out profile or who have only posted one or two photos. This is where knowing your audience is crucial. Which brings me to my final point…

6. Be honest with yourself. - That all of these guys keep flaking definitely raises an eyebrow. Also interesting is that you referred to the most recent guy as “handsome.” That’s not necessarily a huge tell, but combined with the flaking it makes me think you’re going for guys with a lot of options and they are merely entertaining you for the moment. So my other suggestion is to aim a little lower. Yeah, I know. That sounds like I’m telling you to settle, and I suppose I am to some degree. Online dating simply isn’t something you utilize to find your Dream Man. Matt Bomer and Mark Ruffalo look a likes aren’t likely to be on a dating site or app. If they are it’s unlikely they’re there looking for Ms. Right.The conventionally attractive people are being pursued. Trust me on that. That leads them to be super picky, probably pickier than warranted. You’re going to have to really wow them to get them to meet you. If you can do that, go for it. But if not, accept that maybe you need to go for the guys that you initially rejected. Revist them. Maybe you were in a bad frame of mind when you gave them a pass.

We all want that catch we can show off on social media, but what really makes me feel that stab of jealousy is when two people look truly, sincerely happy together. What the man or woman looks like is secondary.

As depressing as this sounds, the lower your expectations are the more success you’ll have with online dating.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

]]>http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/10/08/why-the-hot-guys-online-probably-wont-date-you/feed/18Why Do Men Keep Cancelling On Her Last Minute?http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/09/17/why-do-men-keep-cancelling-on-her-last-minute/
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/09/17/why-do-men-keep-cancelling-on-her-last-minute/#commentsSun, 17 Sep 2017 21:57:02 +0000http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/?p=109212

Name: Andrea :Question: What’s with the resounding fade after a strong come-on? Here’s a typical scenario: Guy contacts me with a string of superlatives about my looks and/or profile (good start). I respond politely and with measured compliments of my own. A friendly and upbeat back-and-forth ensues, and soon we have a date for coffee or brunch or a drink. Meeting time nears and often within an hour of the appointed time something comes up and meeting has to be canceled.

And I never hear from him again.

Most of the time I don’t even initiate contact (but always rely positively if contacted) between when the date is set and the actual meet-up for fear of seeming needy and/or demanding. I’ve don’t that in the past with equally unsuccessful results.

Is this just a repetitive case of bets-hedging? Hedge-betting? Haha

How can I inoculate myself from either being disappointed, or angry with myself for YET AGAIN looking forward to some imaginary date, and formerly, as I try not to do this anymore either, having adjusted my schedule to accommodate it and spent sometimes *hours* (not to mention $$ for hair, nails, makeup, what-have-you) planning, procuring outfit etc and preparing myself to look my best… FOR NOTHING.

I’ll save my next question about the post-great-date fade another time. And won’t even mention the post-great-sex fade… I have learned my lesson and will never do that prematurely again (as in fewer than three dates, Period. Been fooled twice. Never again.

I know I probably sound jaded and bitter. But how to maintain a lightness and optimism with such shabby male treatment? Over and over? What gives? Shall I chuck the whole baby (bathwater, get it?)? Age: 60

Let’s unpack this bit first. You need to understand that any money you spend preparing for a date is on you. What you do have a right to be offended by is the misuse of your time. Time can not be replaced. There are no refunds for wasted time.

I’m going to speculate that the key to this mystery is in those intro emails, specifically all the effusive drooling over your looks. There are only two types of people who do this: the desperate ones and the disingenuous ones. Stop replying to men who start off conversations by commenting on your looks or body. Certain guys say stuff like that waiting for some woman to take the bait.

I don’t know the time line of these interactions. If you’re messaging with a guy and he tries to get you to meet him out that same day, then you can be sure he’s just looking to get laid and messaging as many women as possible. But if these dates are being scheduled a few days out and these men keep cancelling, then the answer is the guy wasn’t all that interested in the first place.

I’ll save my next question about the post-great-date fade another time. And won’t even mention the post-great-sex fade… I have learned my lesson and will never do that prematurely again (as in fewer than three dates, Period. Been fooled twice. Never again.

Because you can’t get blown off after three dates? The number of dates is irrelevant. The sex is irrelevant. Men are cancelling on you and ghosting after sex. You’re picking the wrong guys. That’s the common denominator here: your taste in men. That and you investment level. It sucks that we now have to keep our expectations to the bare-minimum, but that’s dating in 2017. Unless you enjoy getting dressed because that makes you feel extra confident, stop doing that. Stop investing more time and effort than is absolutely necessary. That’s how you avoid feeling like crap when you get blown off. I say blown off because, let’s face it, if they cancel a first date, it’s highly unlikely you’ll end up meeting them.

I truly understand where you’re coming from. I get so hurt when guys cancel last minute. Ashamed is a better word. I feel ashamed for hoping and believing in the possibility that this time might be different. I just had this happen to me a few weeks ago. Had tentative plans with a guy. He told me to text him after my class to let him now what time I could meet. I text him and now he’s suddenly has to to ABC but he’s trying to rearrange some things blah blah can I give him a half-an hour or so. Sure. He then calls me with alternative plans.

“I have to be on the West Side at 5 to ABC. So I could either drive over to the East side to meet for a drink but couldn’t stay long…”

“No.”

“Or you could meet me on the West Side and…”

“No. I’m not going all the way across town to feel rushed. Some other time. Buhbye.”

Click.

If they’re not able to follow through on the first planned encounter, you can pretty much scratch them off the list. I hung up with that guy and headed over to Burger King to eat my feelings. Had he mentioned the plans earlier I would have gladly re-scheduled, but the fact that the plans suddenly materialized made me wonder if maybe he was just looking for a way out. I’m embarrassed at how hurt I was, but that’s on me. Not him. That pang was my loneliness manifesting itself. I can’t hold that against him, just like you can’t make these men you meet online responsible for your feelings, Andrea.

The way to avoid feeling hurt and disappointed is to find other things to fill that void so that you won’t invest so much hope into an interaction with an internet stranger. That’s why you’re getting burnt out. Take all that energy and channel into something productive, something that will provide return on investment: exercising, volunteering, a class, a side job or project, some kind of self-improvement group/class. You’re expending too much thought and emotion and time and money on men that haven’t earned that level of effort yet.

It’s okay to be lonely, to want someone, to crave a connection. Allow yourself those moments and remind yourself that they are temporary. You have control over just how sad or happy you can be, whether you realize it or not.

Question: Hi moxieTexting. Sigh. I was all set up to go on a date next week with a guy I met on ok Cupid. He set me some messages and I replied fairly quickly and we were exchanging messages like they were texts. Nothing crazy just the usual banter. I said something about how it’s easier to talk in real life and he said “we should meet for a drink then” and so I gave him my number and the texting continued with no plans to meet. I told him I’m not a huge texter especially not when I’m at work. I have gotten in trouble with my boss for being on my phone too much in the past. So we made plans. The texting continues into the weekend but it was nothing engaging just “hey” and when I told him about my weekend his response was “same” instead of an actual response so that’s the last text I got from him. I wake up Monday morning to “you don’t seem into me, maybe we’re not a match” this made me very upset because what more can a person do to show that they’re interested besides the occasional text and you know, agreeing to go out. Honestly I don’t know why I’m surprised he did seem more interested in just texting and maybe that was his intention all along, just to text someone and not meet. Had he just cancelled for another reason it would have been one thing but to blame me and say he’s canceling because I “didn’t seem interested” really pissed me off.

Is this what dating has become? You have to be craft a perfect profile, pick perfect photos, be charming over message, charming over text. All of this work before you even meet! Its exhausting. All of this work and buildup only for something like this to happen. I guess not wanting to text and being vocal about preferring meeting in real life backfired on me. I know your advice is to keep texting brief and I agree but what if it seems they take that as a sign that you’re not interested? Red flag and move on or is this what dating has become?

For years, my advice has been to never give your phone number out until a date is set, and only then give it out the day before or day of the date. Why? Because of exactly what you experienced. Maybe it’s me, but I’m not messaging with anybody on any kind of consistent basis until I’ve met him. This guy sounds super needy and insecure. He sent you that passive aggressive “you don’t seem interested so bye” message to get a reaction out of you. Like you said, what did he expect? You barely knew him. Not to mention, you set down a boundary and told him you weren’t much of a texter and he still continued to message. Those are two very glaring red flags.

Is this what dating has become?

In a word, yes. People are frustrated and annoyed because the flake factor has shot through the roof. We just don’t have patience for this jerkfest anymore. Unfortunately if we want to meet someone we have to put up with it.

You’re experiencing dating burn out, a common feeling of angst that many daters experience. The way to avoid it is to not engage in certain behaviors that more often than not lead to one or both people feeling jilted and confused. Here are some things people should do/not do in order to side-step dating malaise and fatigue.

Post good photos - Face, full body shot, social shot. That’s it. No photos taken at weird angles or at a distance. Do not in any way obstruct your face and body. And you MUST have at least 3 photos.

Don’t reply to anybody who admits in their profile they’re just out of a relationship, new in town, just checking this out, expresses hesitation about online dating, etc – These people are not taking the process seriously or are too embarrassed to be using such a method in the first place. Anybody who starts their profile off with, “My friend told me to do it” it’s an automatic no. If someone can’t admit that they’re on that site or app because they want to meet someone, they’re too stuck in their own head. Dating them will be a series of challenges where you’re taking the lead at all times. Either they can own it or they can stay home.

Don’t engage anyone with less then 3 photos. – They only post one or two because they either have no recent photos or are only posting pics where they look atypically good. These people are the ones who end up not looking anything like their photos. Since Tinder and Bumble pull photos from Facebook, you can spot the folks who can’t be bothered by their grainy, out-of-focus, old photos. Someone with a reasonably active life will have a series of photos to choose from. If their profile is nothing but fuzzy shots, they don’t care enough to upload decent shots of themselves.

Do not email anybody until you’ve read their complete profile and viewed all of their photos. – You know how it is. You get excited at that primary photo and skim their profile then shoot off a message. But then you go through their pictures and profile text and notice little red flags. Or you realize they posted a wildly inaccurate photo as their primary pic and buried the one where they don’t look as good in the back. This is a great way to piss people off, as you’ve just wasted their time.

Do not respond to anybody without a photo or any other pertinent details. – That is, unless you really enjoy awkward conversations where you have to tell them you’re not interested because you don’t find them attractive. You then set yourself up for weird conversations. People who don’t post photos don’t post them for a reason. They know they’re not conventionally attractive and are hoping to rope someone in with their witty banter or other aspect to their lifestyle/personality. People who don’t post their height or age are also trying to slide under the radar. The goal is to avoid asking or being asked awkward conversations. If you are fudging anything on your profile – and it’s okay if you do – be upfront about it right away.

Do not engage in email conversation past a certain point without setting up a date. - I’ve said this before, exchange maybe 3-4 emails between you (6-8 total) and then suggest an in person meet-up. Somebody has to take the initiate, so do it. These people who write in and say they spent weeks to a month “chatting” with people baffle me. Who has that kind of time to invest in a stranger? If they’re delaying meeting up, there’s a reason, and it’s likely one that will impede any kind of real life relationship. Because Tinder and Bumble and Hinge don’t provide users with enough details about their matches, more messages are required. That is the downfall of most of these apps. People get bored and annoyed. That’s why your bio has to include pertinent basic details and interests. Bios made up us smarmy sarcasm and try-too-hard comedy are a fail. That person has just doubled the amount of work, not just for them but also their matches.

Do not engage the creeps and weirdos. – You are never going to teach someone a lesson or give them one to grow on. It’s not your place to reply to them and try and figure out their particular pathology. Here’s your answer: they’re idiots who think insulting you or asking weird questions or behaving in an odd manner is endearing. If someone emails you to tell you they disagree with something you say in your profile or try to school you, delete and block them. You’re as foolish as they are if you think you’re going to get anywhere with them. I see this on Twitter constantly. People feed the trolls because they love the idea of being a fake badass.

Don’t respond if you’re not interested or tell someone you’re not interested. – No, it’s not a sign of politeness if someone does this. It’s rude. People get off on rejecting folks, that’s why they do it. That or they are completely socially tone deaf. Do not engage. If people still feel entitled to a response, they’re alone for a reason. People who write intro messages begging for a response whether you’re interested or not are just desperate.

Do not ask someone why they weren’t interested. – You will NEVER get the truth, ergo it’s a pointless conversation.

Do not track them down via social media. – Without context, you will not have a way to properly assess their statements or behavior. Just take them at their word until they give you reason not to.

Don’t pull the safety card in order to see how much info they’ll give you.- I can tell you right now, more and more people are beginning to balk at this because they know it’s a test. You are not owed any kind of dossier on that person you’re meeting for a beer. When they start asking you for money or behaving in a way that is suspicious, then check them out.

Do not confront someone with information you easily and effortlessly found. – I’m talking about marital status and the like. If you were able to find information that easily, that means they either a) they don’t care what you think and b) never had any intention of actually dating you. They also probably have a ready made explanation that they give to everybody that usually works. And let’s face it, if they’re attractive, the lie usually works so the point is moot. Fun fact: I met someone recently. (It’s new. Don’t get excited.) I Googled him, a sign to me that I actually like him, and learned he lied about his age. (M, if you’re reading this, forgive me.) Now, I don’t care at all. I actually suspected he had knocked a few years off when I saw his suggested age range. It was five years younger and 12 years older than his listed age. I side-eye any guy who, in his early forties, says he’ll date a woman in her mid-fifties. Unless he’s reading this, I now have to pretend I don’t know for the time being.

Do not engage in email or text banter before first date. – Like, at all. Make the date and don’t speak until your date. Too often, a false sense of familiarity builds and people get too comfortable or get spooked.

Embrace The Fade – It sucks, it’s not fair and it sometimes really hurts. But people do it, men and women. Sometimes people feel it’s the humane way to go. Sometimes they just don’t care enough to tell you why they’re not interested. Don’t try to rationalize it or make sense of it.

Do not expect them to closely resemble their photos. – A picture is one moment in time. It is a one dimensional representation of how we look. Maybe they had a good hair day that day. Maybe they’ve put on ten pounds since they posted that photo. There needs to be some wiggle room in your expectations.

Reply back in a timely fashion. - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if longer than 24 hours goes by and someone hasn’t responded, don’t get too attached. Not yet, at least. There’s no excuse for a time lapse longer than a day.

Don’t cancel your first date.- Extenuating circumstances aside, cancelling is going to start you off at a deficit.

Offer to contribute to the tab and send a god damn Thank You text after the date. I don’t care if you said thank you after the date. – Looking at you, single women. Just do it. Stop complaining and standing on principal and do it. It scores you points.

Don’t listen to the internet. - I’m telling you, all those people talking about all the dates they’re getting are leaving something out of the story. There was one blogger that I used to follow who got several dates a week at 40 years old. Turns out she mentioned in her profile how much she enjoys sex and how important it is. Derp. That’s why she got so many dates. Trust me. You’re not getting the full story.

Don’t quit. – Online dating is hard. It’s arduous and time consuming, but it is like this for everybody. You are not experiencing anything many, many other people haven’t experienced. We all deal with the same nonsense. You have to keep at it. Forget detoxes and breaks. You can take a little hiatus here and there, but don’t delete or disable your profile. Just focus on other things for a couple of days.

I’m a straight guy living in LA and I’ve been on and off Okcupid and other dating apps for the better part of four years. I can’t say I’ve ever had a single ‘long term’ relationship from it at all. I’ve had many dates over the years and have managed to have a few sporadic one night stands and hook ups. In the last year or two since I turned 24 I noticed I’ve been getting better luck with that, but still not enough luck. Not really sure why. I’m now 26 and I’d honestly like to find something that lasts. I don’t really know what is wrong with my strategy, but I’m only able to get a date or two every two months and I message hundreds and hundreds of girls. I try make my messages clever and witty so they stand out. Usually just making some fun observation or a random question. I also try to ask women out within 3-4 email exchanges otherwise it wastes too much time and usually the conversation burns out. Why is there such a low success rate on these sites?

I should tell you that I’m a fairly average looking guy. Most people would probably consider me a 5-7 out of 10 in looks. I’m in a normal weight range but I’m short 5’8″ and partly Italian and Spanish. I’ve always thought that this may be a problem cause I’ve heard that the only guys who have a lot of success on these sites are white, light haired, and usually 6’0″ or taller. Is race and looks really playing such a big factor in this? Do I need to get professional photographs? My pics are taken with my Android phone in good lighting.

Is there any strategy that you could recommend that would help me actually get dates more consistently with women. Should I ask girls out sooner, craft a certain type of message, use quickmatch? Should I consider copy and paste and mass messaging? I really just feel disappointed with the whole online dating experience. Age: 26 City: Los Angeles State: CA

There’s only one good online dating strategy. Here it is:

Have a great dating profile

Know your audience

Message people who show initiative first

Keep that first intro message short and don’t try to be funny or clever or witty and don’t ask any questions

Let your profile convey your personality

Exchange no more than 3-4 messages each before you set up a date

Get off line as quickly as possible.

That’s it. The one other thing I’ll add, and this might not be what you or many others want to hear, but online dating is not for finding relationships. It’s called online dating for a reason, and that’s because online dating is about getting dates. I’ll be even more provocative and say that if your explicit and sole goal is to find a serious long-term relationship, then avoid online dating all together. The online dating business model is not designed to find people ever lasting love. It is designed to foster the belief that we all have an endless supply of options and can afford to be picky. That way we stay on those sites like some Atlantic City granny who keeps sticking her quarters in the slot machine hoping for those 3 lemons to come across her screen.

You are in LA, an extremely competitive dating market. On top of that, you are in an age range where the women have the upper hand in terms of options. It does not surprise me that you struggle to get dates, as that is common among men in your age bracket. The women you are communicating with are being bombarded with messages, which means they are going to be extra selective.

I honestly can’t speak to the issue of race when it comes to online dating. I know that OKCupid has written blog posts about it and thrown all this sciencey stuff at people and everybody oohed and ahhed over the data. I’m also white, which means my personal experience on whether or not race plays a factor in all of this is limited to my own. I have heard from many people who aren’t Caucasian that they believe their race has significantly impeded their online dating experience. Since the readership of this column is quite diverse, I’ll encourage readers to share their personal experience on this matter. They can do you far more justice than I could.

Do looks play a part in your response rate? Of course they do. Do you have to be ridiculously good looking to get responses? No. You just have to present yourself in an appealing way and know your audience. It seems that many people are utterly clueless when it comes to knowing how to write a profile where they come off interesting and engaging. This is how you craft a compelling About Me Summary. That post also covers the type of photos you should use and whether or not you should pay someone to take professional candid shots.

I will add one new tip. Try to include a specific memory or experience in your About Me summary or bio that most people will relate to. I had one client who talked about how popcorn was her favorite comfort food. When I asked her why, she said it was because popcorn reminded her of warm summer nights when she was in high school watching movies on the grass in the park with her friends. I had her choose a specific film to make the memory that much more vivid. She chose Back to The Future. That’s a tangible and somewhat universal experience that people can connect with. It’s always smart to make your profile more “local.” Meaning, pepper it with mentions of things that people in your area or age bracket will recognize, like a restaurant or song or movie. That creates a sense of familiarity.

When it comes to sending messages, focus your efforts on the people who demonstrate interest first. Since OKC no longer lets you see who viewed your profile, you’re going to have to sign-up to see who favorited you. I would drastically cut back on sending out a bunch of messages to random people. That is THE leading cause of frustration among online daters. Just..stop doing that. It’s an absolute waste of time. You don’t have to stop messaging people who don’t initiate contact completely, but you should use this option sparingly. Sending dozens of well crafted messages doesn’t work for most people. That only works for someone who uses something- money, sex, status – as bait. I can’t tell you how many dating blogs I’ve read where women were like, “So I just get soooooooooooo many emails on dating sites and have sooooooooo many dates” only to find their profiles and see that they’ve used sex as bait. Trust me when I tell you, these people bragging about how many responses they get are leaving something out of the story.

Don’t get caught up in the messaging aspect of the online dating experience. Let your profile speak for you. Use the messages to convey your interest without coming off too invested. Keep the messages simple and brief and don’t ask probing or personal questions. My personal recommendation if someone wishes to engage in extended email banter is to bail. YMMV on that one. I just don’t have time for people who do that. If they aren’t willing to meet relatively quickly, I keep it moving. This is the problem with Tinder and Bumble. Because bios contain such limited info, people get bored quickly or run out of things to say, so they either ghost or click unmatch. You have to make that tiny bit of real estate count by including some basic but pertinent details – age, height, location, job, marital/children status.

You can copy and paste text from one intro message to the next, but you have to include something in each message that demonstrates you read their profile. That’s a must.

Could your profile need work? Possibly. I can’t say for sure until I see it. If you’re finding that you’re just not getting any responses, either from the people you’re messaging or other users, then that’s probably a sign that there’s something wrong with your profile or your messages. You probably should book a session so that I can tell you if there are any red flags. I would say that most people write their profiles in a manner that is counter-intuitive. They use bad primary photos; post awkward jokes or try too hard in their bio; include no-hook-up type disclaimers, etc. At this point, the profile text is mostly used as a way for people to determine if you and they aren’t compatible and not the opposite. If the photos work for someone, they’ll read the profile to see if there’s anything that gives them pause as well as (if not more so) to determine compatibility.

Most importantly, you need to remember that your online dating experience is not unusual or indicative of there being problems with you. And if the problem is with you, most of those challenges can be fixed with some re-tuning of your photos and profile text.

Online dating isn’t the impossible task most people think it is. It just takes understanding your market and audience and knowing how to promote yourself in a way that is engaging and attractive.

]]>http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/09/11/why-doesnt-online-dating-work-for-him/feed/22Should She Date Him Even Though There’s No Chemistry?http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/08/30/should-she-date-him-even-though-theres-no-chemistry/
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/08/30/should-she-date-him-even-though-theres-no-chemistry/#commentsWed, 30 Aug 2017 12:14:48 +0000http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/?p=109141

Name: Whey: Question: Hello!

So this is a relatively unique situation. I’m was not actively seeking for a relationship or anything physical but I ended up getting Tinder a while ago. My friend nagged me so I agreed to get it but on the condition that I would only be there to goof around and potentially make friends. (Just because it’s a very questionable way to meet your significant other in my culture) However! This worked out miraculously as I got over 200 matches with just one profile picture that was of me with a silly filter over my face.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and now I happen to be seeing a few guys from Tinder while one is standing out a bit more than the rest.

The only reason I met up with him was because we seemed to connect. (through text) We have similar backgrounds culturally and it feels like we are on the same page in the realm of jokes and most other things in general. I have also not had someone pursue me so eagerly before and quite honestly I enjoy it a lot. I think one of the most important parts of dating is to have fun but while I’m enjoying the chase, I’m afraid this is highly likely just a desperate guy trying to to get into my pants and once I find out it would be too late because I’d already be emotionally invested and ultimately get myself into undesireable situations that wouldn’t be worth my time.

Before we met up, I clarified that I only wanted to be friends and that if he wasn’t happy with that then there wouldn’t be much point to keep talking. I also asked him what he was expecting/want ( To which he replied that he didn’t really mind and that it would depend on me too ) I see this as him not havingany other options and that I might be the most flexible or easiest to get along with hence it might be easier to get with me in other ways.

We’ve met a few times but I didn’t and still don’t really feel a “connection”. We only have a few things in common and he is usually quite jittery with his words and it takes him a while to explain things. I took it as he was probably nervous during the first and second date or that he is just naturally timid and reserved or is a bit insecure with his speech.

The reason why I’m still talking to him is because he’s been pretty open about his family situations, seems to be a straightforward and relatively honest guy. This might have just been sweet talk but he’s mentioned that I was different to the other girls he’s talked to on Tinder and that he doesn’t use it anymore which I think is true since he’s been talking to me everyday for over a month with relatively timely replies. Although I could be wrong since I have little trouble keeping in contact with at least 2 other guys. He’s happy to teach me things and is understanding of how slow I am with meeting up and physical contact etc due to my commitments. I can be myself and feel comfortable with him since I have the upper hand in terms of leading the conversation etc. I am relatively attracted to him physically, the way he seemingly treats his family and how he’s got talent in a few departments (singing and cooking etc). It also feels as if it is hard to come by a guy that is so dedicated to you and gives you the feeling that he is extremely glad to have met someone like you. I can’t help but feel as if he’ll be this way for a while and stay committed if we end up getting past the dating stage and having a relationship.

I also don’t mind the idea of finally getting into a proper relationship. I really like the idea of being in one, or in other words, having a best friend which you can do other ” additional stuff ” with.

It’s my first time trying a dating app so I don’t really know how it works and what the red flags are. Also at this point I do just want to try the things I haven’t done yet in regards to dating and relationships so I confuse myself as to what I want with these guys.. Initially I just wanted to meet up and potentially make a few more friends with the guys that I have decent conversations with.

Here are some of my doubts and problems with the guy:

1) I don’t have chemistry with him ( I don’t know how long to give until I need to give up on the fact that he might just need to loosen up a bit more) – He was more easy going after a few drinks.

2) I have a tenancy (as copious amounts of girls do) to get emotionally attached and I’m afraid he might not be worth the time.

3) My best friend thinks I deserve better and that I should just stop talking to him before it gets harder to break him off.

4) I have not even kissed anyone let alone had any sort of physical contact with guys and I know it’s not reasonable for me to feel this way but at times I feel like could easily be taken advantage of if he knew.

5) He is starting to make more sexual jokes/puns with what I say and is hinting at progressing a bit more, i.e. kisses and hand holding etc. ( Although I don’t blame him since we have only met around 4 times within the span of a month and a few weeks with minimal physical contact) – I don’t know how slow or fast it usually is with dating, but I think everyone should go at their own pace. (Do let me know where you draw the line during the first few dates!)

6) This is very pathetic but I told my parents that he is just someone I’m considering and that we met through friends and that he has graduated and is working at the moment ( which he hadn’t and is working at a relatively low pay job) I said this because he drove me home really late one time and my parents needed an explanation. My parents are also pretty hard to please so I ended up blurting that out..

7) The idea of my first proper relationship being with a Tinder date. (Should this even be a problem?)

Maybe I worry too much about things that haven’t even or will not even happen. I know that I’m very afraid to be vulnerable but I don’t know how to get my walls down and learn to take risks in this area. Or that I’m way too egotistic and that I look too highly upon myself. I have noticed that I try to seek approval or validation through other people, and that I try to please people most of the time. I need to be more assertive and let out my personality more but those things are always holding me back. Or perhaps I’m too insecure about myself and the fact that I haven’t had a proper boyfriend before. Which leads me to where I am now; constantly skeptical and doubtful of people’s actions.

What are your expectations in a guy and what do you base the quality of your dates on?

Please be brutally honest and don’t hold back on your opinions about me and my perspective on all of this, thanks. Age: 25

I did a search of your IP so I could get an idea of your background. You are from New Zealand. I also gather from your letter that you live with your parents. These are important things for me and for readers to consider when offering feedback.

The first thing I’ll say to you is that dating site and apps are for people to meet potential dates. If you;’re not sure why you’re using these platforms or don’t know what you want, you really shouldn’t be using them. It’s not fair to the people you meet.

I would never want to be with someone who is crossing their fingers in hope that – some day! – they’ll be attracted to me. It’s admirable that you’re giving this guy a chance, but it feels more like you’re going through the motions to keep everybody else – him, your friend, your parents – happy. Meanwhile, he’s clearly hoping things escalate. If he’s making sexual jokes, he’s trying to gauge your attraction and interest, which he’s allowed to do as long as he doesn’t cross a line or say anything disrespectful.

You have to understand something: broad declarations like, “I just want to be friends” and “no hook-ups!” are about as effective and burning sage in a haunted house. (Speaking of which, everybody go to Twitter right now and read #DearDavid. You’re welcome.) It gives the person laying down those boundaries a sense of power and control that doesn’t exist. People are going to ignore those words because they know how arbitrarily they are enforced. When I see “friends first” or anything similar on a profile, I skip right past it. I’m not there to be your friend. I’m not going to invest extra time to get to know you, sweetie. Either you’re in or your out. The only red flag I see is that this guy agreed to meet you after you put up that “I just want to be friends” wall. Most people would have bailed. So either this guy really likes you or he doesn’t have many options. Most likely it’s both. And here’s the thing: I think I’m pretty awesome, but I don’t have a lot of options. That’s not a statement of my character just like it’s not a statement of his.

If you met this guy organically, say at a party, how would you feel about him? Is it the fact you met him on a dating app the root of your wishy-washy attitude towards him? That’s something to consider. Using technology to get dates is the norm now. Most everybody does it. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

Now let’s talk about your friend. Unless she has taken the time to get to know this guy, she has no business saying things like, “You can do better.” It sounds like she’s basing that obnoxious opinion on shallow criteria, like how much money he makes or how he looks. So, ignore her. I say this all the time: ninety percent of what our friends tell us about dating and the opposite sex should be ignored, as their feedback is always colored by their (usually negative) experiences.

The one thing I can say definitely about this situation is that you should only date this guy if you really believe there’s a connection. Don’t escalate things just because you feel pressured to have a boyfriend. Shut out the white noise from your parents and friends and really ask yourself what and who you want. It’s tempting to be with someone who you know will treat you with love and respect even if you’re lukewarm about them physically. Don’t do that. You’ll end up damaging both you and this guy. Never let your fear of not being like everyone else be what motivates you to get into a relationship. That never ends well.

I would suggest you date other people, get your feet wet and gain some experience before you settle into a serious relationship. Meet more guys on Tinder and get a feel for their personality and actions. It’s that experience that will alleviate all the analysis paralysis you suffer from.