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Friday, May 11, 2007

Beating a dead horse

Thanks to everyone who has left comments on the post about my big decision. Everyone had something thoughtful to say. And yet I still haven't decided what to do.

One day I'm definitely staying home, the next day I decide that I'll do the language training, and then I look at this person:

and this person:

and wonder why I'm entertaining the thought for even an instant.

There are two things holding me back from making either decision. The first is my relationship with Emily. It has become so much deeper since she came home from daycare. It is on another plane, in fact. This year, being her third year, has been tough, as you all have read. But I imagine how much tougher it might have been if she had been at daycare and not had us being so consistent because we were tired, or busy, or trying to get one hundred other things done. Hey, maybe it would have been easier... it's possible. But the truth is that I also take pride in the fact that we have weathered all those tough 2-year old moments all on our own and have come out on the other side with a girl who says "may I be excused?" and "you are a great mummy" and "i not like it when daddy is at work" and "thanks, guys! thanks for the present!" and also poops in the toilet.

What is keeping me from deciding to stay home then? The chance that in a few years I'll feel lost and confused and not know what I'm supposed to do now that my kids are in school and have lives of their own and I'm very limited in my choices in Ottawa because I only speak English.