Yeah America, I’m talking to you. Okay, look dude, I really just want to be cool like you. That, plus everyone around me is hungry and it bums me out. So let’s grab a cheeseburger and hang out. Deal?

Don’t you get it. No? Well then you’re gonna get it. Don’t you mess with me, America. I’m in a fighting mood. In fact, I’ll meet you down on the playground in ten minutes. You will? Well, um, okay, I’ll let you know about that.

I just remembered. I got a thing. But I’m telling you, you’ll be hearing from me.

Consider this. I have already befriended American royalty, Sir Dennis Rodman, the Duchess of Detroit. If you will just meet me for a cheeseburger and beer, you will also see how cool I am.

If you, America, will meet me for a cheeseburger, I will even quit pretending the giant pencil from our giant pencil factory is a missile. I’ll also quit pretending that my geraniums are uranium. Come on, dude. You know all this.

Since you have been so willing to humor me, can’t we just get together and watch a Miami Heat game? Oh, and can you bring the cheeseburgers? We don’t have any.

I mean it, America. I damn you. I hereby declare it so. How’s that feel?

One more thing. Hey China! Dude. Let’s grab some Chinese food. Do you know where I can get any?