You were my genie in an OE bottle
Seemed like every time I needed
All I had to do
Was pick up a 40 and poof
You’d come through
Now, your gone and
The last bottle we drank
The last time we were together
Laid under the right hand side
Of my upstairs bathroom cabinet
Late one night after your wife slept
you called me,
choking on tears,
coughing up blood,
a confessional though barely audible
through the whispering and wheezing
I groaned, staring at the ceiling,
why are you doing this?
I knew where I stood,
how sick you were,
That the prognosis was not good
I sobbed I couldn’t listen to this.
I opened my cabinet and held that bottle
Its cool touch reminded me of your long fingers
I could feel your lips pressed to my forehead
Pouting in forgiveness every time you left

You yelled gasping for me to
quit my &itching, shut my mouth and
for a change, just listen
You said, I am not doing this for me
I want you to know before I go
I have always loved you.

When I was sitting in prison
Seven years, letters I got from you
Talking about college parties and professors
Projects due and seminars run
Jobs you held and &uckers you’d done
The things you thought were stupid
That you thought I didn’t want to hear
Were the only things that got me through
Those seven long and lonely years
Sure them hoes dropped a line or two
And every time I was up for parole
that %itch would come through
but you wrote me, I counted today, 726 times
some long, others just three short lines
poems and honest answers to life’s questions
saw growth from pain, and lessons turned blessings
Jafar picked them up for you when you need
They are your story, unconditional and
invincible, reality over principle
It’s what makes you sensible and cynical
All of which I found unconditionally irresistible.

You know you were the only one
Who stopped to check on mom, even now
bringing her plates, making sure she ate
even after everything you been through
even after you should hate
even after everything taken
even after I married,
my mom still asks about you
showed her pictures of your kids,
she loves my wife, but
she shook her head and said it right
it shoulda been you
My sister smiles when I speak on you
She said you two still speak too
She said you still crack on her like
Only a sister can do.

You wanted a picture and I
texted a picture of me cradling that bottle
told you I couldn’t throw it out
You laughed at my silliness
Told me to cut the craziness
Told me about your new theory of foreverness
A concept I never really grasped
until you were gone
You laughed and said
of all the things I left that you
returned or threw at me,
Wtf did you save that empty bottle for?
Your playfulness meant you already knew
a spliff or a dutch
Years past, life flashed
only constant
You and OE, and us

No relabeling, repackaging, just rekindling
Just memories made while lacking trust
Lacking anything which could lead to anything
Even remotely related to an us
You was right when you said it first, I was stuck
You had me twisted where neither of us wanted to be
But we were acting so juvenile and selfish
we just refused to open eyes and see.

I was 13 years old when this started
You and OE were
my first secrets, my first kisses, my last crushes
Abused and mistreated, once you got out
you pulled me out, made me see what
life was supposed to be about
We were friends, but never once did we shake hands
Years later, one night, one OE turned three and
time spent not sipping, no d&ck slipping
I forgot the what ifs and your words led to this.

I found it hard to keep you a secret, but I did
Outta respect for myself, your wife and all these kids
Didn’t run into anyone until we were together
And then everyone appeared with the same question
Is J still around
Around? I wanted to shout
And in and behind and on top
Instead, I would say,
Yeah, he got married, nice woman, kids same age as mine
Then I would scurry off as to not let them catch
all the truth peering from my eyes
Never would i ever claim you to be mine
And, as time continued, and questions kept coming
My lip started to quiver, my heart cried
I couldn’t tell people you were going to die
They would see the secret and our worlds would collide

Remember how you would sit patiently at the foot of my bed
Talking yourself into my pants
When I knew you really wanted was to be
Faithful to your wife
Watching you try to internalize this struggle
Made me realize we couldn’t do this
That the stress on top of this medical mess
Was not allowing you to get any rest
You got the worst of me
While you made me see the best
Always treated me different from the rest
Called me on my b&llsh&t
Made me accountable
never felt judged or attacked
Knew no matter what I did you
how mad you got
you always had my back –

Every morning you laid in Boston
Surrounded by family, making final memories
I opened the cabinet
Stared at the bottle tripping,
During daylight I was to blame
And at Night I pointed at you.
I finally ended the game
when I saw the manifestation of
all of your physical pain and it made
my whole psyche hurt,
made me feel unworthy of any feelings,
emotionally drained, stole words
I thought of you and the struggles
your family was going through
vowed to work on being just friends with you
F^ck that, you said, we were never friends
You are my incestuous sister
the only one who understands
Who and what I am and what I’ve been through
Who, no matter what, has been my glue
Recalling long nights and longer talks
Memory lane strolling,
And days spent kicking rocks.

In between ventilated breaths
And nursing checks, Jafar Skyped you to me
we laughed about the past
I remember everything you said
Told me you told Jafar after our first time
That you had found a thoroughbred
I was disgusted and enlightened
begged you to continue fighting
You held your head, the same manner you did
The night you told me you would die
There was no fanfare, harps, violins
I tried in vain to wipe away the countless tears I shed

On this 100th day of you being gone
I remain strong, I keep holding on
Saw your mom last week, three months to date
Stopped at your sisters too, told them bout Dukes
Crazy, both them said they know he was sent by you
That everyone needed someone
and to just let go, enjoy this, but take it slow
These statements I have pondered
many nights thought through
I decided to believe in him that I want to make it true
charismatic, enigmatic personality shining though
as soon as I met him I knew he was special
but not one thing reminded me of you
We don’t have the history or the memories
I don’t know what he wants,
or what any of his favorite any things are
Learning by trial and error is intense and hard
Especially when my whole body felt abused
beaten so hard the bruises are scarred
I just loved and lost in total silence
Negative conscious
emotional reactions
To past personal acts I refuse to repeat
So every time I feel it, I resolve to let my heart speak
Not holding back my feelings cuz you never know
When or how life can end or when someone will just go
You have sent me someone strong enough
To handle what no one else could do
To make me open up to him
when no one but you would do
He asked about my OE bottle
Like he already knew
Like you told him my secret before you sent him here
how much I needed to keep holding on to something tangible
how inside I am a nightmare full of fears
How do I explain the message in the bottle
when I know you will never reappear
but for him to understand me, I can't emit
our friendship, your death or the importance
growth makes in being part of someone for over 23 years
Just the thought of not picking up the phone to tell you
causes snot and tears
Do I hand him these 726 letters I can’t even
Fathom retrieving without my insides grieving
That whisper our history together
That convey the deeper meaning
When he questioned me about the bottle
It was then I realized OE was empty.
That the memories I had and the
Times we shared weren’t contained inside
That no matter how hard I rubbed
you would never bob your head on my command
It took three hours for me to get it downstairs
And the weight of the decision seemed to steal my air
I gently placed her in the garbage and sighed
I realize, with or without OE
Your theory of foreverness will never die.