Signatures & Mixed Emotions

We’ve been on pins and needles. I don’t think either one of us have slept much in the last few days.

But, this morning we just got word that our legal team explained everything to the birth father and he signed the paperwork to relinquish his rights. In fact, we are told he was desperate to do so once he understood what the documents meant.

So, I sit here, just finding out the news and I realize I should be elated. But, I’m not. Not really.

I’m surprised by my emotional response to this.

Yes, this is amazing. Well, at least for us. But, with this signature I cannot help but realize that just as badly as we wanted that signature to help us bring our baby home, someone else wanted that signature to ensure the child will not be theirs in the eyes of the law.

As desperately as we want this child, it appears someone else does not.

It breaks my heart. I simply don’t understand how someone does not want a child. I know we are coming at this from a very different perspective, but I cannot help but be sad. Sad for our child and sad for any other child in a similar situation.

We don’t know this child and yet we would move heaven and earth for this child.

And while I am slightly surprised by my mixed emotions, I am also thankful that we are the ones who desperately want this child in our lives. I know, without a doubt, we will always love Baby MPB, no matter what happens.

No-one ever said adoption was easy, and right now, I’m really starting to see some of the complexities in an entirely new way. I am also becoming increasingly aware of how complicated my emotions are going to be while we are the hospital and even in the years to follow as our extended family dynamic evolves.

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53 Comments on “Signatures & Mixed Emotions”

Oh my gosh – I am so glad to read this. SO glad. And yes – it’s inconceivable to you and I that this man could sign away his right, but without even knowing it he’s almost certainly giving his child a gift he clearly cannot provide – a loving and stable home. I actually feel like crying after reading this – I just really, really want all this paperwork and official stuff to pass so that I can hear you are safely home with your precious baby. What a lucky, lucky little man he will be. xxx

Erin and I are in the same boat right now. K and Z have a parental termination hearing in March… Their birth mom stopped coming to their visitations a couple months ago… and their birth father wasn’t at the last one…

As excited I am to have them join our family, and as much as I believe that they were born to be our children… That even though they didn’t come from our bodies, God intended them to be ours… I hate it for them.

I hate that their birth parents have chosen not to fight for them… to give them up and choose themselves over their children… The state offered them classes and therapy and help if they wanted it, and they didn’t. They offered custody and everything to their grandparents, and they decided they didn’t want to go through all the trouble of getting the special license.

There is so many different sides to an adoption… The fear we have from our previous failed attempt… the coming to terms with my own infertility (whether I’m actually infertile or not, I’m not sure completely)… the joy we have in these steps… the loss they have and the joy they have by gaining us… the mix between “giving them the best chance possible” and “we just didn’t want them” that their families are waving between…

It’s so, so, so many emotions, but I am super happy that the biological father decided to sign the papers. I know that took a lot of stress from you!

Hi. I just wanted to comment as someone who was adopted as a baby. “God intended them to be ours” – I know you mean well by it, but this is one of the most triggering things you can say to an adoptee. If you look on adoptee forums, it comes up time and time again. It is pretty upsetting to be told that God intended you to lose your first family and be taken and given to someone else.

I am sure you are loving parents and I don’t doubt that you intend this in the nicest way, but I’m asking you on behalf of your children and your future relationship: please don’t tell them growing up that it was God’s will.

And now I have that adoptee thing of “OMG OMG I hope I didn’t offend!”

I know tone’s tricky on the internet… What I meant was, I’m sure you didn’t mean it in a bad way, and I just wanted to let you know in case you didn’t know. It is a big thing for adoptees to be told that stuff was “meant to be” or “God’s will”.

I appreciate your perspective, and I’m not offended by it at all. I can definitely see how those words can be seen and taken in such a negative way, so it’s good to be reminded to be mindful of the language that I use.

Adoption is such a touchy and emotional subject for everyone involved on both sides. I think it’s important to remember that there’s not one set story or one set way that adoptions can work out… and that every story and situation is different.

One of my really good friends who was adopted as a baby said she fully believes she was meant to be with her adopted family that she feels it was ordained by God.

I am in no way trying to discredit your situation or feelings or the feelings or situations of others because the feelings of loss are very, very real and shouldn’t be brushed over or taken lightly. I just know that not every situation is the same.

With that being said, I, of course, would not say anything to my children that I didn’t think was appropriate.

The current foster mother of my soon-to-be daughter told me this morning that K feels like she is my child by birth, even though she knows she’s not. I know that those feelings could change as she gets older… and maybe they won’t… Who knows?

But honestly… please… don’t feel bad. You didn’t offend me. Like I said, I appreciate hearing all sides to every story because it helps me to become a better parent in the long run 🙂

Yes, of course I don’t speak for all adoptees… That’s why I said it comes up on adoptee forums as a regular theme. It won’t bother all adopted people, but it comes up regularly enough for it to be a recurring theme. I guess in the infertility world it’s the equivalent of “Just relax…” (And “Why don’t you just adopt?”)

For someone to feel something is “ordained by God” they would have to be religious… I think that is the difference between people who are okay with the religious connotations and people who are not.

I came from a religious organisation. In many ways I’ve been the archetypal “grateful adoptee” (again, this is common adoptee parlance and highly criticised by adoptee rights / campaigners). I always thought of myself as fine with adoption. But adoption isn’t something that just happens when you’re a baby and is done with. It’s something that changes your whole life, and people deal with it differently, especially as they get older.

I wouldn’t tell you how to parent, just as I wouldn’t assume your kids would feel bad about being told that God meant them to be adopted. I would just – as an older adopted person, and someone who has thought about it a lot more as I got older – urge caution in some of the terminology. And I say this because there is now a generation or two of adult adoptees who are speaking out and making their voices heard (eg Flip The Script), and these are the kinds of things they (we) are saying.

I have similar feelings, actually. When I hear stories about parents who can’t or won’t take care of their children, I don’t understand them. I don’t intend to be judge-y “They are monsters!” and all that… Objectively, I can see how some people are not ready or otherwise incapable of giving a child what they need. But as a parent who loves her child so fiercely, I can’t wrap my head around it. It breaks my heart a little that not every child is cared for or wanted.

I’m so relieved for you. No matter what, at least it is good that there is a little resolution here. Hoping the rest goes more smoothly.

It’s almost unfathomable to those of who desperately want a child that someone else would not. But to me, the birth father’s attitude reaffirms that this is the best possible choice for this child–to be raised by a family that desperately wants him/her and will cherish him/her for the rest of their lives. And while the birth father is callously turning away from this child, the babe’s birth mother is lovingly finding the right family for this child. It’s an act of love on her part and an act of love on your part. And the right decision. I’m so glad that things are moving forward for you–I’d been so worried.

It’s so true. Adoption is such a complex situation with so many emotions. When you take your baby home from the hospital, it’s so bittersweet. Because it’s such a happy day for you, but it’s devastating for the birth mother. Good luck

I understand the complex emotions evolved with this, but I am so relieved to hear that he signed the paper! I would rather people realized right from the start that they’re not ready to be parents than to watch and know what happens with people that suck at being parents.

What a complex range of emotions. The birth father’s stance is one of mystery to any of us who hope for a child; it makes no sense. The good news is you want this child in every imaginable way and you both will fill its life with love. Years from now, this moment isn’t going to be as big as it is right now. It will be a blip and your child will know their story and that you alone are his mom and dad. The End.

I am so happy – for you, for Mr MPB…. for the birth parents, since this is obviously what needs to happen in their lives right now…. but most especially for baby MPB. because there is so much love for this baby, even in the action of the father not wanting to be part of it. love enough, somewhere, even if only for himself, to sign those papers and give this baby a chance to be patented by people who WILL move heaven and earth.

happy happy happy day. just breathe in and let in wash over you. you’re going to be a mama to an amazing little baby and it’s all going to come together. and it’s going to be amazing – I just know it.

I am so relieved. I’ve just been sick about this the last few days. I totally understand your mixed emotions, but to me it just shows how much you already love that baby. No matter what it’s one of the luckiest babies in the world. So happy to hear this news, beyond thrilled.

Oh my gosh. What a rollercoaster of emotions this is for you. I cannot imagine. I feel sad too…that there are children in the world that people just discard. On the other hand, I feel grateful that there are people who want take these babies home to love forever 💓 Thinking of you guys. So glad he decided to sign the papers.

I am very relieved for you – so relieved. I suppose one way to think of it might be that this man isn’t in a good place to parent this little baby, and he knows that. He knows the baby is better off without him in his care or life, and that is a gift he is giving this child.

Your compassion and empathy are immeasurable. You and Mr. MPB are already amazing parents. I’ve been heartsick for you all these past days and am very glad to hear the paper has been signed. You will continue to be in my thoughts.

Oh god, I breathed the biggest sigh of relief! I get the mixed emotions though – that someone could be so happy to relinquish the child that will be yours is crazy.
Here’s hoping the excitement can return soon and maybe you can squeeze in an amazing massage before flying out there!
Omg omg omg – crossing my fingers and toes and asking the universe that no more roadblocks are thrown in your way!! ❤

Oh, PHEW, what a relief! I totally hear you on the mixed feelings… adoption is so complicated. Joy and fulfillment for you inevitably means loss for your much-loved child, and there is just no good way to reconcile that. But it sounds like the birth father is finally acting in his baby’s best interest, which is also your best interest, and for that, I am very grateful. Here’s hoping that the scariest part of this adoption is past!

I know it’s hard to imagine not wanting a child, because of where we’ve all been, but his response is actually quite common. I view it not as him not wanting THIS child, but as him not wanting to be a parent. They are different things and that perspective may make you feel better about it. Baby MPB is not being rejected by his dad, because his dad doesn’t even know HIM. His dad is rejecting the responsibility of being a parent, and if he doesn’t want to parent right now in his life, then he’s doing a great thing.

I’m so glad you said this. As a woman who is a first mom to a child in an open adoption, and now parenting, it can be very triggering to hear people characterize first parents as heartless monsters not wanting their children. I know this post was about the baby’s father but it made me wonder why one would feel differently about the mother, as she, too, will sign away her rights to her child. It’s not uncommon for first moms to be praised as loving and selfless while they are pregnant and making an adoption plan, only to later be viewed with scorn as a heartless woman who gave away her child, and what kind of mother does that?!

I know this man was described as eager to sign the papers but I also think maybe we aren’t *really* thinking about how that whole thing went down. A man who is probably young, lacks advanced education, and perhaps struggles to pay bills, is called into a fancy lawyers office, probably by himself (without support). They tell him all about what will happen if he doesn’t sign away rights to an unborn child he hasn’t met– and I’m betting the conversation wasn’t about the joy you feel when you look at your own infant for the first time. Being a week or two away from becoming a parent is somewhat terrifying for most people, even if they planned it and had nine months to think about it and prepare. And this guy most likely had a scary conversation about all the responsibilities of being a dad, coming from a lawyer (not the warmest of people! I can say that, I am one! Lol). And a lawyer who had a vested interest in this man signing the papers. He probably wasn’t briefed on how he didn’t have to sign right now, that he had time, he could think about it, talk to his family or friends about it. This probably all went down in an hour. Im not putting any blame for this on adoptive parents…it’s the way the industry works. But if you reallllly think about what it must have been like from his perspective, I find myself feeling bad for him…and not like he’s a heartless monster who has no regard for his son.

Hannah, as always I very much appreciate your perspective. That said, I do want to say that the birth father’s story is not at all like what you described. But, because it’s not my story to tell and out of respect to everyone involved, I am not going to go into details. (Which i realize makes this a very challenging conversation to have).
What I will say is that the potential birth mom made a loving and caring choice. And that’s something our son will always know and we will always speak of. We desperately hope they will have a relationship and until such time that he’s old enough to decide for himself we will enourage one.

I’ve had many of the same thoughts. What makes him the bad guy, but her the saint? And from what MPB says in response, what you describe is not this father. But I fear that what you describe is MOST fathers in this situation, and that makes me so sad, especially being the mom of two boys. I always appreciate your perspective. It is no secret that I am not a fan of the US adoption industry. Adoption is great, but how the US does it concerns me a lot.

I literally just screamed out in joy and scared the crap out of Luke in the process. I am so happy that everything is proceeding as planned. It is sad that he is so ready to relinquish the rights of parenthood, but this little man about to come into the world is going to be so loved and adored.

Wow. It’s so apparent you already are loving and protecting this baby so much. Your feelings are so compassionate, and I am so glad he signed the papers (especially considering his willingness to so easily agree). Looks like both our babies might come home soon! That makes my heart so happy.

I said a prayer for you and your situation last night. With this news, you’re one step closer. I totally understand where you’re coming from with these different emotions. For me, it is hard to fathom someone completely giving up their rights to be a parent (the father). The positive I see from this is that this little boy will be so loved by you and Mr MPB and will not need to know the hurt of not having a father around. You are doing something great for that little one by providing a loving home for him to grow up in. I’ll be continuing to pray and send positive thoughts everything else goes smoothly. We’re all rooting for you!

A not-quite-sigh of relief eh…it is so friggin complex but yet it is such a wonderful thing that this baby will not go to an orphanage like in many countries but into your arms. I am so happy this turned around for you, and so glad the birth father recognized what was right to do and ultimately put the baby’s well being ahead of his own emotions. It’s a shit thing for them to go through. My aunt gave my cousin up for adoption when she got pregnant as a teenager and when she was 18 she came and found us and it was handled so, so well by her parents, and so nice to see she was so loved by her family. She’s bonded with our family a bit as well and has a daughter of her own now, but I think because of the strength of her parents she was able to get through the process in a tremendously healthy manner.

That is such good news and it’s not strange that you feel this way I completely get it how your feelings for your baby and what you would do for your baby and to see someone else be happy that they don’t have to be connected to this child anymore is sad! I haven’t been through adoption but I get really emotional over how bad of a mom my sweet stepsons mother is! I will never understand how she chooses men and drugs over her children! My sons half sister lives with her father as well. I should be happier that she lives across country but it hurts me to see my son put so much effort into their relationship and she only calls him when she needs someone to complain to about how rough life is! It just means that you love this baby and would like you said move heaven and earth for them and your child will know this and love you all the more for it!

Aaaaa, so many emotions. Obviously it’s amazing that you got the signature. But I completely understand where you are coming from — it is sad to think of someone not wanting an innocent little baby. Really sad. But I really like what Courtney had to say. He just doesn’t want to be a parent, but it has nothing to do with the specific child. And you do want to be a parent, desperately, so the good thing is that Baby will always be ridiculously loved, even if it’s not by his bio dad. Xo.

Relieved that you got the signature, but the emotions that run along side this are so complex. This baby is being born to loving parents who could not want him more though – You & Mr MPB. As sad as as it is that the biological father feels the way he does, your baby has a wonderful Father in Mr MPB and I really believe it is baby MPB’s destiny to be with you both. I am hoping for no more obstacles in your journey from here on wards. xo

Yes! I am so pleased he signed. I think your response is actually very normal. Once things become a roller coaster the. Our emotions do weird things. It is too much up and down. I think things won’t really settle for you until you bring baby home and get into a rhythm and that’s really ok X

My heart leaps to my throat everytime I see your posts! Baby MPB is so loved already. I know their birth father didn’t want the baby, but their birth mother (from your descriptions) has chosen to carry them, carefully selected a her baby’s parents and to me, that feels like love. I think baby MPB has 2 mothers that love them so much, one who is willing to give them up because she is unable to parent them and one who is willing to welcome them into their family.

I am happy for you guys, relieved tooo, but
i dont understand some people. If you feel you are not ready for a baby, then dont have sex carelessly. How hard is it in todays world!! i m
Soo angry on the father. His action is not in the best interest of the child but himself.

Honestly mpb, that baby is lucky abd so are you to find each other. Imagine as a baby no one who loves you…

I can’t imagine…. you have such an analytical mind… this child is lucky in that there are hundreds, thousands, (even hundreds of thousands?) Of babies who are not wanted and they are forced to stay in family situations that are less than ideal. This baby is lucky. It’s loved and wanted… and the fact that these “parents” are able to give up this baby for a better life shies they do love him. They love him to know what’s best. And that, my dear, is you!

Yes, the mixed emotions. I adopted thru foster care, and developed a relationship with my youngest sons birthmom. On the day of termination, I realized my biggest fear (losing my son), was her reality. My worst case scenario had to happen to her, for him to be ours. I sat in that courtroom, listened to her voluntarily terminate after 19 mos, and silently sobbed, gripping my husband’s arm in a death grip, as he also cried. Afterward, she came to hug ME, to comfort ME. The emotions…they are tricky. Good luck in your journey, and thanks for posting so honestly!

This is all so roller-coaster like, I can’t even imagine the mood swings that you guys are both experiencing all the time. You guys are awesome for doing so well with this (even if that means that you’re just getting by some days!). Thank you for sharing it all with us…and for messaging me when you need an extra pick-me-up. It makes me feel special 🙂

I wish I could like this a thousand times. I have been thinking of you ALL THE TIME these past days. Every time I snuggle up with my baby I think of you and hope that soon you will be snuggling yours. Hoping everything continues on the up and up! So much love your way!

Excellent news! and I understand the mixed emotions completely. As someone who has been told I’ll never have my own child, the idea of adoption just seems like a daunting challenge with difficult emotional situations all along the way.
I’m so pleased that this child will be getting parents who are devoted to raising it.

I had a cousin who willingly walked away from five children, one by one, over the span of twenty years. She is now 45, a friend on Facebook and nothing else to me. My mother fostered two of her kids, who now live with a wonderful loving family that we see regularly. My cousin? She is in Florida, remarried and blissfully unaware of the trainwreck she left behind, though she occasionally sees the three oldest kids (now adults) and refers to them as “my beautiful children all grown up” in her Facebook posts, which her Florida friends gush on (“You’re such a great mom” or “Wow, your son looks just like you” or “A mom knows these things”). It makes my entire family sick since she walked away from them one by one when they were babies, signing them over to their respective fathers, paternal grandmothers, or foster care, never to return to their lives until they were much, much older. In fact, the youngest two (14 and 16) have never seen her since she gave them up at Newborn and 2 years of age. The sixteen year old has asked me about her mother many times. I’ve never quite known what to say on the subject.

We always said there was something wrong with her. I’m not making excuses for her behavior but there is something missing in her brain, her heart and her wiring that can make her give up her children as casually as donating her clothes to the Salvation Army. You’re right; what kind of person can give up a blessing of a beautiful child, let alone five of them in succession. As a woman who wants a baby but has tried and failed, it burns me when I see people blessed with children who don’t care about them. It hurts my heart in ways that is unimaginable, for I know the kind of life that I can give a child. Thankfully, there are folks like you out there who will give your baby more love and opportunity than he could have ever imagined. Best of luck to you. You deserve all of the happiness and joy in the world today.

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