Captain N: The Game Master

WRITTEN BY
MARK MOORE

The ballroom in North Castle was beautifully decorated for the Christmas party Princess Zelda was hosting. All of her family and friends had come to spend the holidays with her.

Zelda was standing at the end of a long, red carpet that went from the doors to her. Link stood to her left. Spryte flew over his left shoulder.

Just then, a trumpet sounded, signaling the arrival of Zelda's best friend.

"Presenting Her Royal Highness, Princess Lana of Videoland!" a voice announced.

The guests began to murmur amongst themselves as Lana walked through the double-doors and along the red carpet. She looked absolutely beautiful. Her hair, usually just combed to the sides, was now slicked back.

Behind Lana was Kevin, followed by the other N Teamsters, Kristen, Li Shiroshi, Dr. Right, and his androids.

When Lana stood in front of her, Zelda took Lana's hands in her own. "Welcome, Lana." Then she looked behind Lana. "Welcome, all of you!" She then extended her arms and waved them around the ballroom. "Let the party begin!"

"You mean the tuxedo?" Lana asked. "Yeah, I've kinda switched from dresses to pants over time. Pants are a lot more comfortable."

Zelda nodded, totally agreeing with her. "And the hair?"

Lana grinned. "What can I say? Grease is the word."

Zelda burst out laughing, and Lana joined in.

"I like it." Zelda said with a smile.

Kevin walked up to her and offered his right hand. "Hi, Zelda."

Zelda shook it. "Hi, Kevin."

Then Mike walked up to her and offered his right hand. "Hey, Zelda."

Zelda smiled, amused, and shook his hand. "Hey, Mike."

Mike walked over to Kevin. Kevin tried to not laugh. Mike was wearing his band clothes, including his black sneakers, black pants, and black leather jacket. His jacket was unzipped, but, instead of his black shirt, Mike was wearing a white button-up dress shirt and a black bow-tie. His hair was also slicked back.

Everybody was having a great time. Kevin was dancing with Lana, Link was dancing with Zelda, Simon was dancing with Li, Mike was dancing with Stacey, and Mega Man was dancing with Mega Girl.

Kristen was standing off to the side, waiting for her next turn to dance with Lana.

While she was facing Link and Zelda, Lana watched over Kevin's left shoulder as Zelda suddenly broke away from Link and walked out of the ballroom.

Lana looked at Kevin. "Zelda just left. I'm gonna go see what's up."

"I'll come with you." Kevin said.

Noticing their friends leaving, Mike, Stacey, and Kristen followed them.

Lana found Zelda sitting in a chair in front of a warm fire in the living room. She was sipping hot chocolate from a mug.

"Hey." Lana said.

Zelda briefly turned her head around to face her friend. "Hey."

Lana and Kevin entered the room and sat on the couch to Zelda's left. Then Mike and Stacey entered and sat on the couch to Zelda's right. Kristen entered and sat on the couch with Kevin and Lana.

"Why'd you leave?" Lana asked.

"I just...had some thoughts I needed to straighten out in my head." Zelda sighed. "Today's the Day of the Triforce."

"The what?" Mike asked.

"Every ten years, the Triforce's power stops working for twenty-four hours." Zelda explained. "It occurs every year ending with a zero."

"But it's 1993." Mike said, confused.

"You use a different date for the origin of your calendar." Zelda said. "Here the current year is 1140 Hylian Reckoning."

"Aw, man, and I'm still getting used to the nine-hour time difference!" Mike complained.

Zelda laughed. "Well, it's not all bad. We use a 365-day calendar, just like you, with a leap year of 366 days every four years, and our month and day matches your own for most of the day. Also, we don't have different time zones, so it's the same time all around the world."

"So, what happens on the Day of the Triforce?" Kristen asked.

"Well, at 8 PM, all of the Triforce's power will stop working for 24 hours." Zelda said.

Zelda took another sip from her mug and set it down on the table. "Do you remember the last time Ganon was defeated?"

Mike laughed. "Who could forget?"

"Well,...about three hours ago,...I heard a rumor that Ganon has been brought back."

"What?!" Kevin asked.

"How?!" Lana asked.

Zelda shook her head. "I don't know. It's just a rumor, but...it worries me. If Ganon has been brought back, and the Day of the Triforce is about to begin, there will be no magic on Hyrule that can stop him."

"Yeah, but he won't be able to use magic either, right?" Kristen asked.

"That's true. We should be on guard, though, just in case the rumors are true."

Everyone else nodded.

Zelda smiled. "We shouldn't worry too much. It's Christmas. On this day, the Gods of Power, Wisdom, and Courage created the world of Hyrule, the Golden Land, and the Triforces. It took them two days to complete."

Mike shook his head. "How...can the world have been created on December 24th? Wouldn't it be January 1st?"

Zelda shrugged. "It's what's written in the Book of Mudora. The world of Hyrule was created on December 24th, 0 Hylian Reckoning."

"When was the book written?" Kristen asked.

"154 Hylian Reckoning." Zelda replied.

"You're saying there was a written language less than two centuries after the creation of the world?" Kristen asked in disbelief.

"Hylians were created by the Gods along with Hyrule, and that's when our civilization began."

"Uh-huh."

"You don't seem to believe me, Kristen." Zelda said.

"I believe you believe it, Zelda." Kristen said. "Let's just say I don't have much faith in such a claim. Christianity, the largest religion on my world, has a similar story. I don't trust what's written in the Book of Genesis. It's absurd. It goes against scientific evidence. However, I believe in a god, and that god probably works in a scientific, rather than magical, way. Perhaps God is an alien being from another galaxy or universe, a creature so advanced it can create a living world."

"Interesting theory." Zelda remarked.

"Another similarity between the Hylian religion and Christianity is the belief in a Trinity." Kristen went on. "In both the Old and New Testaments of the Christian Bible, there is text to indicate a Trinity. However, the difference between the two religions is that the Hylians have three gods, but the Christians have three separate and distinct beings that are all fully and equally the same god."

"That's confusing." Zelda said, then picked up her mug and took another sip.

Kristen laughed. "And the world being created at the end of a year that had no previous days isn't?"

Zelda smiled. "You've got a point." She downed the rest of her hot chocalate and stood up. "Well, enough of this. Let's get back to the party!"

The others stood up as well, agreeing.

Zelda turned to face Lana. "Care to dance with me, Lana?"

"You want to dance with me in front of other people?" Lana asked in surprise.

Zelda nodded. "Yeah."

"But we're the two most powerful rulers in Videoland." Lana said. "Us being involved with each other is big news. The media will be all over it."

Zelda shook her head, grinning. "I don't care!"

Lana grinned as well. "Then neither do I!"

Lana looked at Kristen. "Kris, do you mind?"

"Okay." Kristen reluctantly agreed. "But I was supposed to be next."

Lana laughed. "You can have me after Zelda."

So, they all returned to the party in the ballroom. Lana and Zelda danced together. The guests thought it was exciting and stopped to watch the two Princesses waltz around the room. Lana and Zelda even kissed. Everybody had a great time that night.

And at 8:00 PM, the Triforces stopped working.

Saturday, December 25, 1993, 12:00 AM

Kristen walked into the Communications room at North Castle. Lana was sitting at the computer, reading something off of the monitor.

Kristen walked up behind her and read the display over her left shoulder. "What are you up to?"

"Ever since our discussion last night, I've been trying to find out more about the Hylian religion." Lana said. "I've read the Book of Mudora, and I've cross-referenced it with scientific facts and theories gathered about Hyrule."

"Why?" Kristen asked.

Lana shook her head. "I don't know."

"So, what did you find?"

"Well, the Book of Mudora is highly contradictory, both with itself and with scientific evidence that has been gathered."

"That's no surprise." Kristen said. "Reminds me of the Bible. We don't even know if Jesus was really born on this day one-thousand-nine-hundred-ninety-three years ago."

"You doubt it, huh?"

"I doubt a lot of things I've been taught: Jesus' birthday, Transubstantiation, the world being created in six days, stuff like that. I also don't follow a lot of Biblical and Church-made laws, such as offering burnt animal sacrafices and fasting or abstaining from meat during certain days of the year, because I find them stupid and pointless. I obey the Ten Commandments as much as I can and go to Mass every Sunday and Christmas, but that's about it."

Lana removed the data from the monitor, then leaned back in her chair.

"Tired?" Kristen asked.

Lana nodded, yawning. "I've been up all night."

"What are you gonna do?"

"Go to sleep." Lana replied.

"No, not that. I mean with the data."

"I have to tell Zelda. But how?"

"Maybe bring it up in casual conversation." Kristen suggested. "Ease her into it."

"Oh, yeah, I can picture it now." Lana said. "Hi, Zelda! Merry Christmas! Wait 'til you see what I got ya! By the way, your religion's total bull-"

"Not like that." Kristen said. "Maybe start talking with her about Christmas, then tell her casually what you've found out."

"I'll try." Lana said, yawning.

Kristen smiled. "Get some sleep." She bent down and kissed Lana on her lips.

Lana yawned again and dozed off.

Lana knocked on the door to Princess Zelda's bedroom.

"Come in." Zelda called.

Lana walked into the room and closed the door behind her. "Hey."

"Hey." Zelda was sitting on her bed, reading a book.

Lana went over and sat to her left. "You're missed at the party."

Zelda nodded. "I know, but I need to relax. Also, I'm reading what the Book of Mudora says about the Day of the Triforce."

"Yeah, that's what I came to see you about. I need to tell you something."

Zelda closed the book and put it aside, giving Lana her complete attention. "Oh?"

"Yeah." Lana took a deep breath and let it out. "I've been up all night doing research, and I, uh,...I found some things I think you should know about."

"Like what?"

"Well,...I've found evidence that Hyrule is much older than the Book of Mudora claims. It's not 1,140 years old. It's around five-and-a-half-billion years old."

"Well, you're wrong." Zelda said. "I trust what the Book of Mudora says." She picked up the book and went to the first page: "'Before time began, before spirits and life existed, three golden goddesses descended upon the chaos that was once Hyrule. These divine spirits were Din, the goddess of power, Nayru, the goddess of wisdom, and Farore, the goddess of courage. Din cultivated the land and created the red earth. Nayru poured her wisdom into the earth and gave the spirit of law to the world. Farore produced all life forms. The three goddesses, with their labors completed, departed for the heavens. Sacred triangles remained at the point where the goddesses left the world.'"

Lana shook her head. "Zelda, that isn't true. The Hylians evolved from the ancient Megaland humanoids that colonized Hyrule 1,140 years ago. The Triforce is a device that they found upon their arrival here."

"How do you know this?" Zelda asked.

"Ancient Megaland records." Lana answered. "The Triforce is a highly-developed piece of machinery. It responds to hand movements, thoughts, and vocalized commands and is able to concentrate large amounts of energy and distort and rearrange large amounts of matter."

"The Triforce is magical." Zelda told her.

"Zelda, 'magic' is simply a term used to describe a phenomenon that we can't understand," Lana said, "but trust me, it's all technology. I haven't been able to determine who built it."

"The gods did." Zelda insisted.

"Well, however they came into being, they're here. The Book of Mudora was first written down in 154 Hylian Reckoning, but not in its final form. I...found some ancient schematics describing the physical properties and uses of the Triforce. It's written in ancient Hylian."

"Who wrote it?"

Lana shrugged. "I don't know. We may never know. But over time, more than a millenium in fact, the book has been added to and taken away from. Probably less than twenty percent of it is true."

"I refuse to believe that." Zelda closed the book and put it on her dresser.

Lana took Zelda's hands in her own. "How can I not be honest with you every day of the year?"

Zelda didn't say anything. She just gazed into Lana's eyes.

Lana smiled. "C'mon. We're missing a wonderful party."

Zelda smiled, and the two of them stood up and left the room.

In a spacious cavern in Death Mountain, a group of moblins were gathered around an altar.

Ever since Ganon was last defeated in this place by Link, his creatures have sought a way to bring him back to life once again.

On this day, Hyrule's most holy day, this particular group of moblins have found a way. One of the moblins read a spell in ancient Hylian from a dusty old book while the rest of the moblins chanted.

One of the moblins opened up a container and poured blood onto the altar. The blood was Link's, collected by the moblin during his encounter with the hero a week before.

When the first moblin was through reciting the spell, they all backed away from the altar.

A surge of blinding red light filled the room and concentrated on the altar.

When the light was gone, the moblins found Ganon standing on the altar.

The Prince of Darkness laughed evilly.

In the ballroom of North Castle, people were dancing and having a ball. Kevin was dancing with Lana, Link was dancing with Zelda, Mike was dancing with Stacey, and Simon was dancing with Li. The Bangles' 'Walk Like an Egyptian" was blaring from the speakers:

All the old paintings on the tomb,

They do the sand dance, don't you know?

If they move too quick (oh whey oh),

They're fallin' down like a domino.

All the bazaar men by the Nile,

They got their money on a bet.

Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh),

They snap their teeth on your cigarette.

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say:

Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh,

Walk like an Egyptian.

The blonde waitresses take their trays,

They spin around, and they cross the floor.

They've got the moves (oh whey oh);

You drop your drink, then they bring you more.

All the school kids so sick of books,

They like the punk and the metal band.

When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh),

They're walkin' like an Egyptian.

All the kids in the market place say:

Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh,

Walk like an Egyptian.

As Kevin and Lana danced near the buffet table, they heard an argument.

"Give that back, eggbreath!"

"No way! I had it first!"

"Hey! King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard!" Kevin said with a smile.

"Oh, hey, Captain N!" King Hippo said with a smile.

"What's shakin', Princess Lana?" Eggy asked.

"You mean other than my ass?" Lana asked.

"Uh,...yeah."

Lana shrugged. "Not much. You?"

"Oh, I won a fight against Piston Honda last night." Hippo bragged. "Same old, same old. Hey, cool hairdo!"

Lana smiled. "Thanks!"

"Well, see ya." Kevin said, and he and Lana danced away from the table.

Mike and Stacey danced by.

"Oh, sure, say nothin' about my killer new look." Mike said with a frown.

He and Stacey danced away from the table.

Slide your feet up the street, bend your back,

Shift your arm, then you pull it back.

Life is hard, you know (oh whey oh),

So strike a pose on a Cadillac.

If you want to find all the cops,

They're hangin' out in the donut shop

They sing and dance (oh whey oh),

They spin the clubs, cruise down the block.

All the Japanese with their yen,

The party boys call the Kremlin,

And the Chinese know (oh whey oh),

They walk the line like Egyptian.

All the cops in the donut shop say:

Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh,

Walk like an Egyptian.

Walk like an Egyptian.

Just then, all the power in the castle went out.

While the guests were complaining, thunder sounded, and lightning flashed outside.

Ganon appeared in the room. All the frightened guests ran out of the room.

"Ganon!" Link yelled in surprise.

Ganon smiled. "Link! How nice to see you again!"

"Get out of here, you party crasher!" Zelda demanded, making her right hand into a fist.

"Oh, how cute!" Ganon chuckled.

Suddenly, Kevin drew his Zapper and fired. He hit Ganon in the eyes, momentarily blinding the Prince of Darkness.

"We'll assemble in the Throne room!" Zelda said. "Let's go!"

"What took you so long?" Lana asked.

"Well, we had to change clothes." Zelda said. "I can't fight in a dress."

"And I can't fight in a suit." Link said.

"How long before he regains his vision?" Li asked.

"I dunno. I hit him pretty hard." Kevin said.

"So, tell us about Ganon." Simon said. "Who is he?"

Zelda sat down on her throne. "Ganon was once Ganondorf Dragmire. In 575 Hylian Reckoning, he and his band of thieves found the Triforce. The Golden Land was turned into the underworld. In 582 Hylian Reckoning, the Master Sword was forged, the Imprisoning War was fought, and the Seven Wise Men sealed Ganon in the underworld. I think you know the rest."

"Okay, so how do we defeat him without magic?" Link asked.

"We'll have to use regular weapons." Zelda said.

"We can do it, man!" Mike said. "We're gonna rumble!"

"Listen, you Grease reject," Lana said, "this is gonna be a lot tougher than you think."

Just then, Ganon ran into the Throne room. "I've found you!"

Zelda stood up and drew her sword. Link drew his sword, the Master Sword. The other heroes got their weapons ready as well.

Link, Lana, and Zelda picked up a Triforce. They chanted a common spell and fired at the Prince of Darkness.

Ganon was hit full-force. He screamed in agony.

Lana looked at Zelda and grinned. "Rather glad the magic works."

Ganon tried returning fire, but the three heroes were too much for him. Soon, Ganon was gone.

"Well done." the Triforce of Wisdom said. "Princess Zelda, as a reward for your victory, you are freed from the binding to the Triforce."

Zelda beamed with delight. "Yes!"

The heroes decided to clean up the ballroom, since there was little chance of the guests returned. So, Zelda had declared the party over.

"I'm telling you, Zelda," Lana said, "that spell we chanted was simply a voice-activated command that the Triforce responded to by concentrating fire near the palms of our hands. We could then control the fire and cast it whenever we wished. Also, your gods were probably alien beings, kind of like the Bajoran Prophets on 'Deep Space Nine'."

"Maybe." Zelda said. "I'll read your findings."

Lana smiled. "Good."

"But what does that say about my religion?" Zelda asked. "Is everything I was taught to believe based on a...misunderstanding?"