When I Am Rich: A Donation With Strings Attatched.

They say that there is no such thing as bad publicity. I’m guessing that there are certain notorious types who might differ with that concept. Still, that’s what they say and when have “they” led us astray before? I kept what “they say” in mind when I decided on the next outlandish expenditure I am going to make when the money from this blog starts rolling in.

I am aware that if I do not keep my name in front of the public after my big break, I’ll be overtaken by irrelevance. Without publicity, the words on the blog will not be enough to keep the cash pouring in. I’ve already told you that I’ll be making some wild investments like blimps and locomotives. I will need cash pouring in to keep my fleet going. That is why I will have to invest some of my money into something to keep my name in the public’s ear, even when they are not talking about my words.

I Get The Flu

Viruses competing for the flu gig. (Image via Wikipedia)

Every year, one strain of the flu is chosen to go around making everyone miserable. It is anyone’s guess how the decision is made on which flu gets the job from year to year. Some believe there is a pageant. Others have pushed the theory that there is some sort of application process where interested viruses submit resumes and a few are interviewed by a panel of physicians.

As an aside, it is nice that all the viruses respect the selection process. You don’t see monkey flu or Taiwan flu pushing their way into the game if the process determines that it is dog flu’s year.

Despite what some people who I’ve had fallings out with might tell you, I am not a virus. While this precludes me from being the actual flu, I think I can do the next best thing. I will have a strain of the flu named for me. By doing that, I will keep my name on everyone’s mind, thus increasing attention for the blog and income for me.

How This Will Work

Working on the Omawarivirus. (Image via Wikipedia)

I will invest a portion of my blog income into a donation to the Centers For Disease Control (CDC). This donation will come with a string attached. Lots of rich people make donations with strings attached. Buildings on a college campus aren’t named for great scholars, they’re named for rich people with lots of stringy money. I don’t want anything as ostentatious as a brick building on a prestigious campus, I just want a germ. I’ll throw some money at the CDC with the stipulation that a flu be named Omawarisan Flu.

Once I have a flu named after me, you’ll hear and see my name everywhere. “Did you get your shot for the Omawarisan Flu?” “We’re really shorthanded at work; the Omawarisan is tearing through the office.” People who don’t know me will learn my name. People who do will remember me, and that will be a good thing to at least some of them. Those memories and the increased name recognition will equal blog traffic and money for me.

Taiwan, birds, swine, monkeys and all manner of other entities will object to my plan. I don’t care. Birds, swine and the rest have been riding the gravy train of free flu publicity for so long now. It is time for someone else to reap the benefits of other people’s feverish nausea. That someone is me.

I’m going to be so rich. I’m just going to keep getting richer after I invest in the flu.

Remember – starve a cold, feed The Omawarisan.

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16 Comments on “When I Am Rich: A Donation With Strings Attatched.”

This is a good plan but you need to look at it from the value-added perspective. You have to think “branding” and “name recognition.” The Omawarisan Flu is only the first stage. Next comes the cold medicine, cough lozenges, nasal decongestants and the big seller…tissues. All branded with Omawarisan-ness. That’s where you’ll rake in the big bucks, my friend.

I can help you on your way to greatness for only 10 per cent of the gross. And that’s nothing to sneeze at. 😉

The only problem I see with this plan is the world will be flooded with ANTI-Omawarivirus shots and products. So people won’t “GET” you. Oh, they could ‘read’ you, but they just won’t ‘get’ you. Eventually, it will follow, there will be an Anti-Omawarisan Computer Virus MalWare available, free, from MicroSoft, which will wipe out your blog completely.

Yes, but the flood of products will keep my name in the foreground. and while this years shot will protect you from Omawarisan A, in a few years things will cycle around and Omawarisan B will evolve…and I will be in the news once again.

The last time that I laughed this hard is when I was reading David Sadaris’s chapter entitled,Youth in Asia, from his brilliant tome, “Me Talk Pretty Someday”.
It is the “pageant” that got me going: that started all sorts of “creative” thinking scenarios that are too numerous and too silly to mention here.
First of all, the successful flu must select the most appealing animal to associate to the malais. Swines are so yesterday. If you want your name to attach to some pernicious disease, you must first research the animal kingdom.
There has been a noticable segregation of sea animals from trending flu strains. You might try to see if you can get some manatees to jump on your bandwagon. They all seem quite friendly and docile; those are the ones that can surprise the general population. You may find that they can help with your endeavor, and they probably don’t know much about intellectual property laws. That means fame and fortune every time.
Good luck. Please post your flu strain ASAP so that I can try to spread it.

I like manatees, I have been swimming with them a few times. They are cool. Since I am making so much cash out of this blog, I will make a donation on their behalf and get another flu strain to name for them.

I wouldn’t want to be a full blown virus … I’d settle for just being a symptom: “you’ve got a runny nose, scratchy throat, and a bit of planetross.”
Hopefully the “planetross” part is undefinable and random.