Trying to catch just one good egg

Monday, 06 November 2006

Since tomorrow is election day here in the USA, I want to remind everyone to vote. Since this is an infertility blog not a political blog, I'm not going to tell you how to vote, just VOTE.

I had planned a whole post denigrating that sitcom actress who's saying all the stupid stuff in the great state of Missouri but it's late and I'm tired. She's clearly an idiot. Worse she's spreading lies and misinformation about ivf and donor eggs.

Perhaps it is time to boycott a few stores if you think she's an ignoramus who you don't want to see get any of your hard earned cash. Yes, everyone has the right to free speech (which is what some of the CEOs of the stores that use her in ads are claiming) but we all get to vote with our pocketbooks as well as with our hanging chads.*

Here's a link to what she said. Here's a couple of links of stores you might want to avoid, like CVS, Lucky, SavOn and Albertsons. And if you feel like writing a letter or two then check this one out.

*Well, unless you live in Florida. Or were sent a letter saying you couldn't vote because you were an immigrant. Or ...

Tuesday, 06 June 2006

Now, I don't normally swear like a sailor. But today is no normal day. I fear that a certain character's language is rubbing off me right now.

A year or so ago the mister and I got totally immersed in The Shield. We became obsessed with it about the same time that our last cycle with our own eggs went horribly south. There was something so very comforting that I found in those baby blues of Vic's.

I've had to move on because Vic just can't keep up with me. My newest show is Deadwood. I just finished Season 1, so nobody go ruining the rest for me. There's no one with Vic's personal morality. There's no one as hot as Lem. There's no one as geeky and awkward as Dutch.

But there is Al Swearengen. And oh how he swears. If you've seen the show then you know his favorite word.* The mister and I now use it a lot. I find myself nearly blurting it out in public. It's quite effective to use against those idiotic drivers that seem to be everywhere. I find myself nearly referencing it in casual conversation. Then I realize that not everyone has just been watching as much Deadwood as I. And likely wouldn't understand the usage of this word.

Today I can't stop saying it. I'm pissed off at the world. I just don't get it. I was still reeling from Thalia's news, not to mention Zarqa's, when I heard about what was happening at the Pamplemousse house.

In a totally selfish way Pamplemousse's news hit all too close to home. It is exceptionnally cruel (and not to discount any other losses-I'm really not trying to play the which is worse game) when a donor cycle ends in an ectopic. We've given up so much and come to terms with so much and then to have something like that happen is just excruciation.

This is really too much, don't you think? My heart is breaking for all of them. I almost wish I wasn't a godless heathen so I could question the almighty. How can this all be? How can life be so very unfair and incredibly cruel.

Wednesday, 24 May 2006

Celebrity Baby Blog is reporting that author Helen Fielding, age 48, is pregnant with #2. Her son, Dashiell, is 2.

Congrats to Helen, her partner Kevin and big brother, Dashiell.

Discuss if you'd like. You know what I think, right?

Updated to Add:

Just in case it wasn't clear, I'm very happy for them all. I think it's totally fab. Check out the pic at CBB to see how adorable Dash is, and how very happy Helen looks. May we all look so happy one day soon.

Monday, 13 March 2006

OK, I need some help here people. I've talked about adding some things to my protocol and some of you have shared very helpful tips with me.

Now I need specifics. Please feel free to email me with details if you don't feel like posting in the comments. And I'd love it if you left your email address so I can thank you if you leave it there.

I want to add a course of steroids to my fet. Dr Champagne is happy to let me do pretty much what I want.

So here are my questions:

Medrol or Dexamethasone? Which one? How long? What dosages (hoe much and how many per day)

I know that Dr SheRe likes the dex and it was part of my fresh cycle with her but not sure how it plays into an fet or if medrol is better (though I've got a stash of dex left and a refill on it as well so that would be easy to do but Dr Local will give me whatever I ask for as well

Baby Aspirin? yes or no

Antibiotics? which one and all that other good stuff like dosing

Assisted hatching? I think I'm just going to ask for this but would love some specifics/success stories

Anything else? I think I'll do acupuncture but just when I get to South Africa.

I truly appreciate any/all advice and knowledge that y'all share with me. Over and out.

Tuesday, 21 February 2006

In my quest to find an answer, some kind of freakin' answer, to why my
donor cycle failed I've emailed my local RE and asked him to consider a
variety of tests. I'm asking for a mock cycle with endometrial biopsy,
hysteroscopy, hsg, anything that might give me an answer or a plan. If
any of you lovely readers have additional tests or suggestions, bring
them on. Seriously.

I think I'm going to ask for steroids next time. Why not, right? I'm
not sure I've got the best immune system going so maybe it will help.
I've tested negative on all the immune tests done but just want to
cover all bases.

I'm trying to plan for another trip to the far side of the world. If some extra money finds its way to my checking account, then perhaps I'll spring for another fresh cycle.* If not, then let's warm up the totsicles and see what happens.

I'm trying to 'process' everything as well. My lovely therapist found
an open slot in her schedule that allows both the mister and I some
couch time. Very nice of her. Last night was our first night session.
The mister is still grieving. He's doing a bit better but it's going to be a long haul. He's feeling hopeless and I think that's here to stay. I was always the hopeless one. I was the one who'd quote the bad stats and he'd tell me we'd beat them, that the doctors didn't know everything, that something would work. Somehow it's so much worse now.

So I'm on this quest to find an explanation or something I can fix. Because otherwise, there's just no reason except for bad luck. And
that's just so hard to even think about. I can change my drugs, I might
be able to change my lining but I don't know how to change my luck.

*I know that thing called A JOB would probably help in the money department and I'm working on it. I'm not willing to go to Keyser as an FTE and commit to 2 years but I am pursuing other possibilities. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have this be a choice. I just can't go back to traveling most of the time. Been there, done that.

** I know I didn't have another foot note coming but just had to say a couple more things. I like Wessel's term discriminating soooo much more than snob. I will discuss some of the other things I'm discriminating about in the next few days. Promise.

Oh and that yoga guy. I haven't slept with him. I'm not even worthy to take one of his classes when he's in town and at his studio. But Penelope was right. His initials are RY.

UPDATE FROM LOCAL RE:

It is not uncommon for even the
best-looking embryos on day 3 not to cause pregnancy so I would not do anything
differently other than to move forward with a frozen embryo transfer again. Your
lining sounds like it was optimal for implantation. I have no reason to
believe that your uterine cavity is different than the saline ultrasound
performed in 2005 and especially if they did not see anything wrong at your
most recent ultrasounds. Sorry to hear that the fresh transfer did not work….good
luck with the frozen transfer.

So it looks like somebody needs to talk to Howie again and get some tickets for SA. FET it is! (I feel kind of like a Trident gum commercial, 2 out of 2 REs agree...)

Tuesday, 24 January 2006

I just got off the phone with the nurse. My beta, was in fact, negative. I guess the good news was my progesterone was quite nice. I'll tell that to my sore hips. Pretty damn sure they don't care.

I called the mister. I made a promise to him once that he'd get all news before the internet. I suppose it's only fair.

The nurse was really supportive. She thinks we should do a FET and we could even do as soon as I could get my sore butt back on a plane to Cape Town. She's seen a lot of success with FET after fresh failures.

She also claims that the donor embryo program there is moving along. We joked about that a bit because I've heard it so many times before.

I'll write the good Dr. L now and see what he thinks. Maybe add some medrol to the protocol? I suppose that couldn't hurt. Maybe try another fresh? Our donor can't cycle again until spring--and I think she's probably already snapped up for her next cycle.

I want to thank all of y'all for your support. It means a tremendous amount to me-and the mister. I know I've said it before but truly it does.

There have been a lot of tears at my house the past few days. Mostly when the mister wasn't around because I know how much he's hurting too. He didn't give up hope for this cycle until my phone call a few minutes ago. He even berated me when I refused my shot last night (I told him I was willing to do a suppository but I didn't see the point to any kind of shot).

I'm sure there will be lots more tears. Right now, I'm just devastated. Kind of numb but totally devastated. How could this not have worked? How much more are we going to have to go through? I know we're going to be parents some how, some day. It just seems like it keeps getting farther and farther away from us.

Monday, 23 January 2006

For most people, when they start to pursue infertility treatments, they can say to themselves. "well, at least there's always ivf." That way there's hope and a path and something with a good shot of working out.

When you have high fsh, this is taken away from you in the beginning. Oh you can try ivf but the odds are never really there for you. There's never any kind of comfort in knowing you still have that tool in your toolboxl.

When you have high fsh and you want to pull out all the stops, you go to Garden State. Or the other guy. You tell yourself while you're at your local clinic "there's always Garden State." There's still not the same kind of hope that others get from thinking about ivf but at least they'll let you cycle and give you the best odds you're gonna ever hear.

When you have high fsh, what you really tell yourself, secretly deep down is "there's always donor egg."

See, this is the only time the odds are going to be on your side. Now I'm not saying that lots and lots of women with high fsh don't get pregnant. They do. They do on their own. They do with iuis. They do with ivf.

What I'm talking about is how you keep going and what you tell yourself to feel some hope. And really, that's the fact that there's "always donor egg."

Chances are good, right? You get the stats on your side for once. And they look damn good.

70% chance of sucess? Sign me up. Two perfect embryos with perfect lining. Should be a shoo-in, right?

I'm still waiting for official confirmation. I like that many of y'all picked Door Number 1 (or even hoped for another door) but I don't have any kind of willpower or restraint. I secretly even wanted it to be Door Number 1 but that was just a device for literary tension.

Seems my nurse is off today (and I suppose this horrible dragging out of my beta results is what I get from ignoring her instructions and going in today anyway) but I think that just means no one else wanted to call me with the bad news. I'm much more than 70% sure now that it will be bad news.

I'm already checking my schedule and planning for a return trip to Cape Town. I've got 4 frozens and I suppose that's a good start. We did leave an extra sperm sample for just this scenario (that way I can go back without the mister--cheaper and I'm the unemployed one anyway--I meant to explain that before but haven't had a chance). I'm working on a plan but I don't have a lot of faith in it just yet.

Wednesday, 28 December 2005

I thought it was high time for some more good news around here. Liana over at the Dollhouse is having a tough day. Still, NBHHY but do go give her some love.

In other news somebody got a nice present in her stocking.Y'all did such a great job with those positive thoughts for her that Bonnie got a bfp from Santa. He even brought her a nice beta today. Yay for Bonnie and ending the year off right. I'm hoping that Wessel and I start it off with a couple of positives for Team Donor but here's to Bonnie and Liana for doing their part.

Tuesday, 27 December 2005

Time for me to 'fess up. I started freaking out last week. I wasn't getting a period, just a little spotting, and I was convinced this cycle was gong to hell in a hand basket.

So I emailed the good doctor on call (as mine is on a much deserved holiday). He reassured me and said all would be ok. He even included a couple of pictures of Cape Town this time of year to help me de-stress. I thought that was nice but it still didn't bring on my period.

I was supposed to take my lupron depot shot on CD 1 and that had been drummed into my head. I did have a bit of spotting (sorry if tmi) but not enough to 'call it.'

A second email to the doc a couple of days later convinced him that I was going to be high maintenance and I should just take the shot.

So I did. He said I could take it im or subcutaneous but thanks to the advise of the lovely Lynette I decided to go for im. The mister did a most excellent job. He didn't even faint or get woozy. Yay mister.

I sat back and waited for side effects. In my usual crazy self, I began to freak that the hella dose of lupron that I took wasn't enough for me. It took several days for the side effects to appear (does anyone know if that's normal?) but they're here. I'm having wicked headaches every afternoon and am tired, tired, tired around that time as well. I'm not sleeping well at night and having a hot flash here or there. Oh the fun!

I added estrace in a few days ago. I'm scheduled to take one tablet for three days, two tabs for three days, three for three days then four tablets until I get to the clinic. It's supposed to have some amorous side effect so that should at least be fun.

I'll write about the holidays later but so far they've been great. I do have to tell you about my lunch today, though.

Today I got to have lunch with 3 fabulous women: Chris,Suz and K & M . We had a very understanding waiter (and yes, we tipped him extremely well) who let us stay for hours and hours and even let us move away from the icky smoking section when other restaurant folks said it couldn't happen. Of course, we used Suz's twins to guilt him into it but he was game.

It was like meeting up with long lost friends. We talked and laughed and ate and talked some more. They were kind enough to look at my kitchen pics and suck up to me by telling me they thought it looked purdy. They were witty and charming and just what you'd expect. They were, however, disappointed to find out I wasn't blond. I must come across as a total ditz because I get that a lot when I meet bloggers in real life. Ahhhhh, what a great time.

I've got a couple of days until I leave. I promise to be totally narcissitic and update lots when I'm in South Africa. I also promise to be a complete comment slut during said cycle in South Africa. I'm warning y'all about the narcissism because it's unlikely that I'll be able to keep up with my friends.

Thursday, 22 December 2005

It's the holiday season which means present-buying time, right? Luckily in the mister's family we drew names this year (yay for less for me to do) and my family wanted stuff from my store. The mister and I decided that a brand spankin' new kitchen and an incredible African adventure were the best gifts we could give each other.

So you'd think I'd be done shopping, right?

Nope. There's one huge gift left to buy: the donor gift.

Now this one is a tough one. Back in the day when I was a donor, we didn't get gifts (poor me) so I hadn't thought about it much. Now it seems to be expected (much like tipping in restaurants). My agency actually encourages a gift. Talk about pressure.

What do you buy for the woman who's giving you the chance to become a mother?

I wanted to find the absolute perfect gift. I think part of me felt like it would increase my likelihood of success. The bigger part of me realized that I really want my donor to like us and maybe if she got a superb present she'd like us...she'd really like us.

OK, so reality check. She doesn't need to like us. And I'm guessing the fact that she agreed to work with us means that she does like us. More than enough. In the only way that really counts.

So back to the gift. Some recipients give personal services like massages or spa time. I think that's a great gesture because it shows the donor that we want to pamper them and give them something to take care of themselves.

For a while it seemed like the trendy donor gift was a silver bracelet with a dangling heart on it from that blue jewelry store. Everyone who was anyone was getting that for their donor.

I dunno it seemed a little too sorority/big sister for me.

That brings us to the spending limit. See, you're not only supposed to get the perfect gift, you're not supposed spend a lot. It should be heartfelt but not expensive. It shouldn't seem like you're trying to 'buy' them off. That's what the donor fee is for (At least in this country. My donor will be compensated but nothing like most of the gals here).

What a quandary! Meaningful and heartfelt but not too expensive or personal. What's a shopper to do?

Luckily I had some additional information. I knew some of my donor's hobbies. I also got to see a letter she wrote after her first donation. Trust me, it's beautiful. It helped me know without a doubt that she was the donor for us.

It led me to what I hope is the perfect gift. It meets all of the requirements. It's timeless, will travel well, is something that she probably wouldn't buy for herself, something that acknowledges both her interests and creation and is a thing of beauty.*

Now I have to write a letter to go along with it. Or find the perfect card. Hallmark, here's a whole new line for you!

If you had to buy such a gift, what would you get? Or would you forgo a gift altogether?

*I feel pretty protective of my donor so I'm not inclined to say exactly
what I bought. If you really want to know, email me and I'll tell.

Saturday, 03 December 2005

I got a bit of a surprise the other day and it wasn't such a good one. Yup, CD 1. It wasn't supposed to happen for a few days. Usually this wouldn't be such a big deal but I wasn't prepared (and I'm not talking prepared in the 'femine products' sense).

According to the protocol from my hopefully soon-to-be-favorite-ever RE, CD 1 was supposed to be around December 10. Now, I'm guessing that he pulled this date out of his ass but I don't really know. I'm supposed to take a whopper of a lupron shot (aka depot lupron aka lucrin in South Africa aka "Lupron Hammer" which I'm guessing is it's mob nickname) on CD 1.

Problem 1 is the lupron is supposed to suppress you for a fairly long while but it's only a maximum of 6 weeks.

Problem 2 is that our tentative transfer is possibly right at the edge of that six week window.

Problem 3 (and this one is a doozy) is that I haven't actually gotten around to getting the drugs I need before I leave for South Africa.

So, back to Thursday night when I started panicking. I decided to stay up to call the clinic to figure out what the hell I should do. They're 10 hours ahead of me so it was a bit of a stretch for my tired self.

It turns out the donor coordinator comes in a bit later than the other folks. So, I waited even longer. Then she was in a procedure and I was asked to call back in another hour or two. Which would have been 3 in the morning. Not happening because that would have been 3-4 am. Nope.

So I sent her an email and she responded before I got up.

I can take the pill for a couple of weeks then the Hammer. Luckily I've got some leftover from that bad May cycle. I got a pack of pills for free back then and only took a couple. I also need to order my other meds asap.

Saturday, 19 November 2005

I'm a lucky, lucky gal. When I first got diagnosed with infertility I felt completely alone. Adrift and alone. I found the great high fsh support boards (yay!!) and was lucky enough to live near some of the fabulous women. I also found some sisters over in wedding land and we bonded as well.

Tuesday, 15 November 2005

I wrote my favorite local RE a couple of days ago. I do love my local guy. He's a straight shooter and really cares about his patients. He used donor eggs to build his own family so I was always much more willing to hear him out about options. I figured that just by walking in our shoes he was much more qualified to do his job.

I'm trying to figure out how to get local follow-up for my South African cycle. I asked for help when I was cycling at Garden State and was told they couldn't follow me if I cycled somewhere else. Of course, that time I asked a nurse.

This time I went straight to the man in charge. I thought maybe if I flattered him and turned on the Southern charm I might get further (you know the whole 'catch more flies with sugar' thing). I figured if I played the 'fear of another ectopic' card along with the donor card, I'd get what I wanted. I wrote a long, sweet letter. He's always been a man of few words. Works for me, especially when they're the words I want to hear:

Good to hear from you. Yes, we can monitor your pregnancy once you are
pregnant if you wish. Good luck with your donor egg cycle in South
Africa.

This is a huge relief to me because the fear of another ectopic is looming large in my mind. Now I know I'll be able to get all the ultrasounds and betas that my little heart desires.

Tuesday, 08 November 2005

Now, I should probably warn you that the mister's nickname for me is Jingle Girl. I commonly quote commercials in casual conversation. It's not one of my better qualities. I think he should update it to Old Jingle Girl or Jingle Girl--Classic Edition since I haven't actually watched a commercial in several years (at least in my own house) thanks to our DVR. I know there are a lot of Tivo fans out there but I loooooooove my ReplayTV because of it's commercial skip.

Thursday, 27 October 2005

We've got signed contracts with the donor and the agency! And have even paid the deposit. This is really going to happen. 2006 is looking bright already!

My Cape Town doc of choice will be back from holiday on January 3rd and that's perfect timing for us.

Now I just need to compile a few records to send to the clinic. I'm amazed at how little they need (HIV tests for both of us, Rubella test for me, SA for the mister and saline ultrasound results/something that describes my uterus---THAT'S IT for now).

I also just found out that our new insurance coverage will cover meds even if I don't use a clinic in the network. I'm not sure how much that will help this cycle but I'm definitely stoked about that in general.

Monday, 24 October 2005

It really is a manic Monday around here. We had 4 construction free days and got all to used to sleeping in all too quickly. Luckily we don't need a doorbell because we have a border collie.

The workers showed up bright and early...at 8...and caught both of us in bed. Ahhhh, this week is starting off great already.

Actually, it *IS* starting off great. We finalized some plans regarding the kitchen then took the dogs for a walk by the water. It was a foggy morning and this always thrills the border collie. Walking on the brown hills in the fog is as close as she's ever going to get to the heather-filled hills in Scotland--her genetic heritage.

Wednesday, 19 October 2005

So now we've got to coordinate timing and get our ducks in a row. Due to her schedule she prefers early in January. We were hoping for retrieval around the middle of January but the only other option is April.

No way. Early January it is.

We're headed to the lovely tarheel state for the later part of the year so I'm thinking we just fly from there to South Africa. This will require more luggage and more careful packing but that's easy. We'll also need a better cover story for my parents. Hmmm. Must start working on that one.

Here's what I've got so far:

We won a trip (I did win one to the Cook Islands once?

Frequent flier miles that expire so we've got to use them?

New clinic with new treatment (we've already traveled cross country for ivf so not too much of a stretch but would prefer not to tell them we're cycling)? Super cheap ticket from new airline or end of the year promotion?

Tuesday, 18 October 2005

So now the first of the waiting periods begins. I'm hoping this is a short one.

I sent the letter to the donor agency last night to pass along to our donor! Then I was so excited I couldn't sleep. All I could do was research Cape Town and safaris and cheap airfares.

I heard this from the donor coordinator this morning:

I have sent your letter to Sophie*. We will hear from her soon!

Her last donation resulted in a pregnancy.

This is a very exciting decision for you, congratulations!

Now we wait. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of relief in finally being firmly on this path. It's incredible to have something so positive to look forward to regarding all this. It's been a looooooooong time since I had that feeling.

Thursday, 13 October 2005

Now, I knew the news from the Mister's work just had to be too good to be true. There are a few catches.

Like there are only a couple of local clinics that are covered. Any of mine? Clinic #1 that I HATE. A co-worker of the mister's feels the same way about them. I believe her words were 'they suck rocks.' Frankly, rocks are too good for this partic clinic.

It would be cool if EITHER of the major teaching universities with clinics were covered. Mostly because one of them is my fave local clinic. You guessed it. Neither of them are covered.

There is a pretty good local clinic that's covered but I don't know if I've got the energy to deal with another clinic. This one likes to use an in-house donor agency but they charge several appendages. I don't really have any to spare.

Ok, what about Garden State? Nope. Not covered. The clinic in my home state where I'm on what seems to be a very theoretical wait list for donor embryos? Also not covered.

Anyone see a theme?

So I did some research today. It would cost about the same to go abroad as just our portion would be if we stayed here. Crazy that we'd get 17k in coverage and the costs would equal out. We can always use that coverage later or for #2.

Last week I was pretty close to just finally making the call to go to Cape Town. I was, however, still thinking about ivm in our neighbor to the north and one of you was super sweet and shared some great info with me. I truly, truly appreciate it. I stayed up all night looking for short term rentals near that clinic. I found some great places and thought of all the fun I could have.

I started thinking about timing. I wanted to cycle there in November but I don't think it would be a great time for me to leave for a couple of weeks. I'm the acting general contractor for our remodel. I put off calling the clinic. The psychologist in me may be buried deep down but even I know that means something.

Then I realized I want a higher possibility of success. I'm just done. So very, very done. An incredibly wise woman pointed that out to me in a long phone call just the other day. I wish I could have worked out the timing better and we could have gone together.

I should have my letter to the donor finished by tomorrow. The mister agreed and we'll have an awesome trip come January. Or February at the latest.

We'll even get to go on safari. And when it comes right down to it, who doesn't want to go on a fab trip and come home with the best souvenirs of all?

Sunday, 14 August 2005

So I've gotten bogged down in details this week. This is a fairly common thing for me especially as it related to infertility. I get an idea in my head and just can't let it go. I start to research the hell out of something and spend obessive times on the internet.

This week was no different. Topic De La Semaine: Donor Agencies/Profiles/Clinics

I started my journey on line, but of course, with donor profiles. I looooove being able to do things online. I found a couple of relatively local agencies and began the hunt. I found a few donors I liked so requested more information.

As luck would have it, I have expensive taste in donors (much as I do in shoes and purses). While I was only reseaching somewhat cost effective US options all the donors I happend to like were requesting 9k+. I found this outrageous. I know it may be my own bias, but I wouldn't want a donor that would charge that much. And if they're requesting 9k in compensation they ARE charging that much, no bones about it. I don't want a donor that is mostly into it for the money.

So, I looked at my international option again. These are good options and I have friends who have gone the South African route and looooooved it.

I found a couple of donors I liked there and one might work nicely. I'm a little concerned because she's older than I might like. She turns 34 in the next little bit. She's great in all other respects. I really like what she wrote and she has what I consider to be the BEST reason for why she wants to donate (again...my bias but I'm the one that gets to pick, right). Now, in South Africa they don't like to over stim the donors. This can be scary because you might not get a lot eggs but I'm ok with it.

So how much should I let her age affect my decision? If she passes all the tests should that be good enough? Lots of women her age produce plenty o'eggs when it comes down to it. I don't think the trisomy risks are much higher until you get over 35 (but if anyone has info to share about that, please do).

Normally, I'd ask What Would Brian Botaino Do? But I don't think he'd be thinking about DE so What Would My Blog Friends Do? WWMBFD?