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The Last Bit of Conscience

Dear Girl,

I've no idea what happened to you, from the time you told me you didn't want to go on, till now. All these while, I really thought I've already let go of you. In a way, I have. But why do I worry and feel sad every time I think about you?

For me to find out what's on your mind on Chinese New Year Eve is bad enough, but to think everything actually ended on the very first day of CNY. You said you didn't want to tel me till after the CNY. You always say these kind of things, sometimes I wonder how much of it is true. Even then, I kept quiet. You probably didn't even feel a thing by then. You were enjoying yourself at some KTV later that night, with your cousins. On Chinese New Year.

I wanted to believe that at that time, you're still the sweet girl I knew. I blindly held on to that belief since that day, no matter how much I was trying to let go. Thankfully, I had the Open House 2005 event on hand, and as such, I was quite busy to even think about anything. So I basically kept myself occupied, and avoided all these emotional bullshit.

But as the event came close, I realised I wasn't exactly looking forward to Saturday (19th Feb). Because back then, we made a "promise". You would be coming with your friends, and I said I would try to find you if I can. And true enough, on the 19th, you walked right past me, after waving to Maclean. Why I did not see you is a mystery. Why you didn't see me is equally strange. As much as I wanted to forget you, I went ahead and said "Hi" to you, talked to you and whatnots. As much as I kept smiling, I HATE TO ADMIT, but I was slowly breaking down inside. You even said you haven't fully let go, and whatnots. I don't know what you're trying to do.

Even then, I had to go on running the event. Thankfully I managed to throw away all these unnecessary emotions and focused on my event instead. When you left, you didn't even give a call to say a thing. As fate would have it, I saw you at the Entrance/Exit, and waved to you. You simply waved back and left.

Since that day, I've been living in a dream. A dream in which I completely stop thinking about all these stuff. Yet around 2 days ago, you had to come online and talk to me. I was happy for a moment. But then I realised you really... Have changed. You told me guys are superficial, that you won't be going to New York for your ballet anymore, and whatnots. I asked you why you're saying all those stuffs, and all you could say was "I was reading magazines, then realised some guys are really superficial.", "My parents were saying NY is too dangerous.", "Maybe I'm going to take Law."

I'm hearing all these from a girl who could once give up everything for her dream, to become a successful ballet teacher. And why are you saying guys are superficial? Just because the fucking magazines said so? Have some backbone of your own, please. Why are you throwing away your dreams?

I won't say anymore. I really hope this will be the last post I ever make of you. Why? Because as nice as you were, you probably don't care anymore. No words can describe this fucked up feeling. Just want to wish you all the best in life. I'll always be here as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Dreams were always meant to be dreams, hope always fails. I wish I could believe in people again, it would make things so much easier. But when I believe, I always get betrayed. Always.