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The Life & Times of Bobby Heenan: Big Boss Mama (September '90)

Greetings, mizfan fans! And welcome to one of my all time favorite editions of this beast known as the Heenan series. Iím too excited to get to our main story of the month, so letís not wait any longer!!

WWF, September Ď90
Ongoing Heenan Storylines

Big Boss Mama

VM: What on earth happened to you at Summerslam? Iíve heard of a bad day, but this was ridiculous!

BH: This is a minor setback. Itís not over until the Big Bossmanís mother sings.

Last month, Bobby Heenan made a few jokes at the expense of the Big Bossmanís mother.

BH: If you think the gas crisis is over, try standing next to Big Bossmanís mother for a few minutes.

Turns out that was the tip of the figurative iceberg!

BH: You know, Koko is starting to look like his bird there.

VM: Is that better or worse than the bird looking like him?

BH: Doesnít matter, as long as neither one looks like the Bossmanís mother.

And in September, that iceberg melted and poured through the damn floodgates.

BH: Iíd rather be in a match with the Bossman, handcuffed, steel cage, electrified, no way in, no way out, than spend one night with his mother on a date.

VM: What did this woman ever do to you?

BH: She put him on the earth, isnít that enough?

VM: You know, after this match someone may tell the Bossman of your comments.

BH: A big snitch named Vince, you mean?

Heenan is BRUTAL:

BH: You know, Big Bossman and his mother were out the other day looking at garbage trucks.

VM: Are you saying Bossmanís mother is only fit to be hauling garbage?

BH: No, I mean she should be hauled away as garbage.

Not to mention relentless:

BH: Do you want to know the difference between Bossmanís mother and a garbage disposal?

VM: Stop it! I donít want to know!

BH: Bossmanís mom chews up the food a lot faster, and a lot more of it.

Itís a literal treasure trove of sick burns.

BH: Bossmanís mom has a 5 oíclock shadow that kicks in around noon.

VM: Bobby Heenan.

BH: Youíve never seen her, have you?

VM: Stop. Now. Iím telling you, please.

Makes me wonder if Heenan missed his calling as the heir to Don Rickles.

BH: I noticed something, Bossman doesnít sweat as much as his mother does.

GM: Youíre something else.

BH: Ok, fine, they sweat the exact same amount.

How long has he been saving these up??

GM: Have you ever even seen the Bossmanís mother?

BH: She was the centerfold in ďSwine LifeĒ.

GM: SHE WAS NOT!!!

If this were a match, Bossman would have been forced to tap out long ago.

BH: There are two things you should never do, try to get one up on Power & Glory, and be seen with the Bossmanís mother.

GM: Are you gonna start??

BH: Oh no, I wouldnít be seen with her. Sheís ugly!

This is Heenan at his commentary peak. I put this month of work right up there with the í92 Rumble as some of his absolute best work.

BH: You know, Bossmanís mother is working for a doctor now.

GM: So?

BH: She stands outside the office and makes people sick.

But how long can he get away with this?

VM: You know, the Bossman may come after you, it may be out of nowhere, and youíll be in big trouble.

BH: Itís amazing what trouble you can get into for telling the truth.

Soon enough, the Bossman indeed starts giving out warnings in his promos that Heenan had better stop and apologize right away, or else suffer the consequences.

GM: Bossman said one more remark about his mother and youíre history!

BH: Sheís as dumb as she is stupid, howís that?

The Brain is seemingly entirely unconcerned with these warnings, obviously! Which leads us to one of the best segments in Bobby Heenanís career:

Itís September 23rd on WWF Wrestling Challenge, and it seems to be a day like any other. Heenan is doing commentary with Vince, as Monsoon is MIA, presumably dealing with his recurring health issues (moreís the pity). Big Bossman is scheduled to wrestle a jobber named Paul Perez, and he comes out normallyÖ but instead of approaching the ring, he instead takes a detour to the commentary table!

You done it nowÖ

As soon as Heenan realizes whatís happening, he immediately starts begging off, claiming it was all a joke in good fun. After so many weeks of abuse and ignored warnings, the Bossman disagrees!

Thanks for all your help, Vince.

Heenan finds himself handcuffed and thrown him to the floor to a deafening pop!!

I want to just say, this is one of my favorite segments in wrestling history.

Bossman drags him to the ring, and Heenan is begging the whole way. The crowd is super hot for this. He handcuffs Heenan to the guard rail, and leaves him there while he wrestles his scheduled match!

Everything about it is flawless.

Officials rush down to try to get him unstuck, as Heenan cowers behind them. Bossman wins the match, and throws the cuff keys into the crowd!! Bossman and the officials go to the back as Heenan is left along, still begging for help.

Hiding in his jacket! It gets me every time.

The show must go on, so incredibly the next match starts and heís still there!! Power & Glory, who have quickly aligned with Slick and turned heel, stop by on their way to the ring, but they canít figure out how to get him freed either, so they decide to ignore him!

Power & Glory is stymied (also, Herc helping Heenan!)

Weasel chants overwhelm the match as they try to get to wrestling. Heenan keeps begging anyone to help him, to the point where Slick tries to get Heenan to shut up so he can manage effectively!!! At last, somebody informs Rick Rude and he sprints down to ringside, but he too is powerless to help! And there he remains stuck for the entire rest of the show, until at the very end Vince comes down himself at to try to figure out a solution. Rude says, quite audibly, that this is bullshit!!! He blames Vince for letting it happen.

The cavalry finally arrives.

Rude cuts a promo to the camera confirming he was the one who asked Heenan to instigate a confrontation with the Bossman, and Heenan confirms he just did what Rude asked him to! The show goes off the air with Heenan still stuck, which is beyond brilliant.

Man, what can I say about this segment? I donít know if Iíve ever seen anything quite like. Bossmanís reaction came off perfectly understandable after the mountains of abuse the Brain heaped on him, and the fact that Heenanís plight continued while everything happened around him was just the best. Watching Heenan react to everyone who came by was so much fun, and everyone having a different reaction to him is the height of a company that values character work first and foremost. If you can find this segment, watch it immediately!

BH: Bossman, if you canít handle a little criticism about your ugly mother, then you shouldnít have her as a mother!!!

On the next episode of Prime Time, Heenan shows off his wrist injury and is livid about the situation.

BH: I did nothing wrong!

GM: Shall we replay the weeks on insults you doled out?

BH: Canít he take a joke??

Monsoon finds the whole situation pretty funny, needless to say.

BH: You know, Bossman has been running around, handcuffing people, hitting them with a nightstick, it was about time someone put him in his place!

GM: Oh yeah, you sure did that.

BH: Youíre so biased, you take everyoneís side but mine!

GM: How can I take your side, your verbally assaulted a manís mother!

BH: Donít you have any sympathy for me at all?

GM: No, I donít think you got near what you deserve!

BH: NEAR WHAT I DESERVE??

GM: Maybe we should watch the footage with you and Bossman again?

BH: Do whatever you want, youíre just gonna do it anyway. Put it on a three hour special for all I care!!

At first Heenan refrains from saying anything about Bossmanís mom, but soon he boils over in rage and cuts a great promo on Bossman, and on his mother as well! Itís another real gem, this feud has already rocketed into one of my favorites ever.

BH: Everything I said about old sow-belly is because Ravishing Rick told me to say it, and I did say it, and Iím still saying it! But Iíll tell you, Bossman, youíre not gonna leave any cuts or bruises on Rick Rude. Youíre gonna have to pay now! You think you had it rough in that Cobb County slammer, pushing around a bunch of jerks for traffic violations, a bunch of punks who could barely shave? This is altogether different, youíre in Family business now! You have Rude to contend with! And if have to get Perfect, Barbarian, Haku, and hire 50 other guys to make it happen, itís gonna happen!! NOBODY scars me for life! NOBODY dictates what I do! If I lose the use of this hand, youíre gonna lose the use ofÖ your SELF!

GM: I wish youíd lost the use of your mouth.

Wounds of war.

GM: Iím amazed you came into work, with an injury like that!

BH: Are you making light of this??

GM: Yes, I am.

Rude continues to claim credit for the comments that enraged Bossman, and dares Bossman to try to treat Rude the way he did Heenan. The question of why Rude decided to bait the Bossman is a bit unclear, but itís not hard to imagine it simply tickled the fancy of the Family, or that Rude and Heenan viewed a victory over the Bossman as a quick ticket to another title shot but got more than they bargained for.

BH: Last week, Bossman attacked me at the announce position!

GM: For no reason, right?

BH: For no reason!! But when weíre done with you, Bossman, youíre gonna look worse than your mother, if thatís even possible!

As a final insult, Rude goes back to kissing women after his matches (so much for swearing that off until you won the WWF title, Rude!). The caveat is that Heenan starts to say he couldnít find a woman in the whole town who wasnít as ugly as the Bossmanís mother!! Iím quite sure we havenít heard the last of this, but weíre off to an amazing start.

GM: How would you like it if someone talked about your mom?

BH: Well, yeah, but my momís not ugly.

Imperfect Ex-Champion

Itís hard to say if losing the Intercontinental Championship was harder for Mr Perfect or for Bobby Heenan, but it certainly did no favors to their relationship. In fact, when Perfects cuts his first promo about losing the title, he even shouts at Heenan to shut up! I donít want these guys to be mad at each other. At least they are still working in tandem to squash and humiliate jobbers!

Let me help you up there buddyÖ

Mr Perfect vs. Jim Powers 9/23/90 WWF Challenge

The loss definitely seems to have discombobulated Hennig, as he doesnít make an immediate effort to reclaim the belt. Itís actually a quiet month for Perfect, though he does have at least one really good and somewhat competitive match with Jim Powers (remember the Young Stallions? Neither does anyone else!).

How?? Just how??

Perfect of course gets the win in the end, hopefully starting himself on the path to climb back to the top.

Awesomeness Rating: ***Ĺ

Haku and Barbarian, who?

Literally nothing to report here, these guys continue to be directionless and barely on TV. Give them something to do, WWF!!! Hereís hoping they get thrown at the Bossman as Heenan promised, because Iíd love to see Bossman go one on one with either of them!

Elsewhere in the WWFÖ

Ultimate Douchebag

The sterling title reign of the Ultimate Warrior continues, as we are treating to clips of him bullying Sherri. To her eternal credit, Sherri slaps the shit out of him! Sherri is seriously fearless standing up to idiot, and I love her for it. Warrior seriously comes off as brain dead in these interactions, Iím not the biggest fan of the Slaughter angle but anything feels better than this.

As if to illustrate my point, we also see footage of Warrior running around backstage, literally assaulting random people. Randy Savage aggravated him, sure, but Savage has left the building, and Warrior is just beating up innocent bystanders minding their own business. This guy makes Hogan look like a hero more than any of his old opponents did.

The Almighty American Dollar

Dusty: There is no price for the American Dream, baby!

GM: Got that right.

BH: Who would want him?

Another big story in the WWF this month is that Sapphire, Dusty Rhodes goofy manager, was lured away to instead stand at the side DiBiase, who was (successfully) proving a point that everyone has a price.

VM: Why has the Million Dollar Man showered Sapphire in expensive gifts?

BH: Probably to save her from that common slob, Dusty Rhodes!

All I saw in my watching was Dusty wearing a weird outfits (weirder than the polka dots, even) and cutting good promos about how he has no price, even if Sapphire did, and heíll have revenge on DiBiase.

VM: Whatís going to happen when Dusty Rhodes and Ted DiBiase stand across the ring from each other?

I do hope Heenan calls at least one match in this feud. I donít care much about Sapphire, but these are two great characters and I think theyíll match up well in the ring. Itís very ideological, dammit!

BH: I have to say, I am happy that Ted DiBiase made a complete fool out of Dusty Rhodes.

GM: Does that put a dime in your pocket? Thatís the only time youíre happy.

BH: I am happy on many different occasions! And Iím happy because Rhodes lost, because he didnít have any cash. And heís illiterate, and heís stupid!

So, two pieces of bad news. The first is that Greg Valentine escaped partnership with Brutus Beefcake only to be paired up with Honky Tonk Man, which is undoubtedly an improvement but still pretty disappointing when youíre halving Valentineís ring time. The second is that Ron Garvin has been demoted to jobber status.

The good thing is nobody had the guts to tell Garvin he was demoted, and when he and Valentine end up in the ring together in a random jobber match, they start absolutely beating the living snot out of each other! Garvin doesnít care that heís teamed up with a spindly future Headbanger (donít ask me which one), all he knows is he and Valentine can tear the house down, and for much of the match they simply ignore their partners and exchange blisteringly stiff attacks. There was a whole Valentine/Garvin feud that flew under the radar while Heenan was not doing commentary, but this makes me want to go back and check those matches out. Random as it is, this was most likely the best match I saw this month. God bless Garvin and Valentine.

Awesomeness Rating: ****

Saba Simba Was Actually A Thing

Oh my god, I knew Saba Simba was coming but I figured they were just going to quietly ignore the fact that it was actually Tony Atlas. But no, they acknowledge they are the same person, and Vince explains he ďwent back to AfricaĒ, which of course means he comes out dressed like a ďsavageĒ and acts primitive. As if Tony Atlas didnít suck enough already, even before this gimmick he was one of the worst wrestlers around, and nowÖ damn, this is on the next level. Christ, WWF!

A Face From The Past

Sergeant Slaughter cements his heel turn by bringing on General Adnan. Long time readers of the series may remember him as Sheik Adnan Al-Kassie, the man so hated in the AWA that he actually turned Bockwinkel and Heenan into sort-of faces for a while!! This angle kind of sucks but Iím still glad to see the guy, if for no other reason than I have fond memories of him smashing Heenan in the head with the butt of a sword(!). Vince McMahon declares this alliance to be the most despicable thing heís ever seen, which cannot possibly be true.

Miscellaneous Quotes

VM: I would say the Harts are on a roll!

BH: Well, your opinion doesnít mean anything.

GM: Nikolai Volkoff, being presented with an award by the boy scouts of America.

BH: Ah yes. Just how many cookies did he sell?

GM: The match is over, send Earthquake to the back!

BH: Oh sure, Jake can put a snake on you, Bossman can handcuff you, but Earthquake should just quietly go to the back!

GM: 1991 WWF calendar is now out!

BH: Iím not in it!

GM: Too bad.

BH: No member of Family is even in it! How do they expect to sell these?

BH: If, by some cruel twist of fate, the Bushwhackers ever won the tag team gold, they would immediately go out and have them bronzed.

GM: Will you stop??

GM: Everyone standing up to see Jim Duggan!

BH: Yeah, they canít believe this man is a wrestler.

Duggan: USA!!

BH: What, did he forget where he was at until just now?

GM: The Anvil is kind of unstable, isnít he?

BH: Needs shock treatments.

GM: Iíd say he might have already had a couple!

And so ends one of my favorite months in all of the Heenan series. The comedic chops of Heenan were on full display, and on top of that we got an all-time great comeuppance segment for Heenan, one of the best ever done in fact. Rude and Bossman squaring off could be a lot of fun, especially if more members of the Family get involved. Plus, in the background you just know Perfect isnít done with the Intercontinental title, so letís get that gold back in the Family!

Thatís it for today, humanoids. Iíll be back soon with the next entry, until then donít let the ham-and-eggers get you down, and stay awesome!

Wow...our hero really laid it on thick this month! There are so many damn good one-liners in there.

As for the Big Boss Man, I remember loving him as a child, and then as I got older thinking he was kind of lame, then sort of digging the later iteration as part of the Corporation. I never cared for The Guardian Angel, or Big Bubba, or the Boss, or really any of his WCW work, but I do fondly remember him in WWE/F. I'm glad to know that he really was the type of worker I recall.

I never really cared for Atlas, and from what I've read, he kind of seems like a dick (didn't he have a run-in with C.M. Punk [Who also seems like kind of a dick]?)...but for the life of me, I don't recall Saba Simba at ALL. Sounds like I was very lucky to have avoided that one.

I won't lie to you, hearing Greg Valentine get Honky as a tag partner as a bad thing was almost hurtful. I have a soft place in my heart for HTM, I think that he did more with less than almost anyone I can recall. That goes for both his talent and his gimmick. I never found him to be a great wrestler, and an Elvis Impersonator gimmick should have been the death stroke for his career, instead he carved out a pretty solid place for himself in the annals of pro wrestling. Beyond that Rhythm and Blues is one of my guilty pleasure teams.

Also yes, I do remember the Young Stallions, it was one of the many times in Paul Roma's career (Outside of Power & Glory and Pretty Wonderful) that I didn't give a shit.

Rayman! Great to hear from you as always. Bossman is a guy who really rocked my world when I started getting into him, and I’ll speak strongly of his early WCW work too, for at least a year or two he was looking great over there.

Atlas did indeed have an altercation of sorts with Punk, scolding him not to tape up his arms the way he does because it makes his “arms look broken”. Hard to miss Simba, unfortunately he makes it all the way to a Rumble match!

Looking back, I’ll admit I was too harsh on Valentine being paired with Honky Tonk. He’s not really a favorite of mine to watch, but I respect that he worked smart and picked his spots to get a lot of crowd reaction. There’s an art and intelligence to that, and he’s not in the same category as Beefcake. I just love Valentine by himself so much, I think he’s a real standout of the era in terms of his ring work, and I’m sad that his matches will now be half Honky! Ah well. Thanks greatly for the read and feed, my man!

This was a really good month...never knew or either forgot about Rudes short fued with Bossman but man they could of had a good one. Probably didn't ever see this bc most of my knowledge around this time is by coliseum home videos and VHS of the ppvs. But what a cool thing to read...I read in your next one he was suspended by his actions. Lol of all the things to get suspended for .

Mr Perfect telling Heenan to 'shut up' in this time does surprise me...Wonder what direction they'd have gone if Rude had stayed?