5 Bold Predictions For 2017

Every yearEvery now and again When I’m bored I like to make prophetic leaps that inevitably come true. Or will. Just wait. Here are five for 2017….

Myspace Selfie Drone App

Myspace will reinvent itself yet again with the Myspace Selfie Drone App. This app will fly your smart phone to just the right angle above your face, erasing that double chin, and leaving plenty of room for whatever outrageous tongue pose you have in mind. It will then snap several photos and send the one with the best lighting straight to your Myspace page. When you’ve created 3 minutes and 35 seconds worth of photos, Myspace will automatically create an album for you with a musical bed performed by any number of shitty indie bands you’ve never heard of, chosen at random, and/or Justin Timberlake. Sadly, this reinvention will not lead to a migration back to Myspace but will grow a whole new crop of photos for Facebook dummy accounts.

GMH2O

Monsanto will merge with Bayer and then with Nestle to bring you the ultimate drinking experience: GMH2O. This newly reimagined super water will have aspirin molecules spliced into it to protect you from the headaches drinking poisons bring. Marketed as a fun, cool hipster beverage, GMH2O will swiftly become the sole legal drinking water of America and then the world. This, due to a series of unseen legal maneuvers wherein attorneys for the newly-formed Monsayerle Corp. will successfully argue before the Supreme Court that GMH2O is trademarked, therefore the moment it hits the sewers and reenters the water stream, our lakes and oceans become the property of Monsayerle.

New American Pastime Realized

On September 11, 2001 America woke up to the fact that there was a whole world of nations out there, not just fancy tourist spots. And a lot of that world despised us for our largesse and our lethargy. This wakeup call to acknowledge and engage other nations–to learn about them and to right the wrongs we have inflicted upon them in the name of greed–was short-lived. The momentum of serious change gave way to Americans acknowledging atrocities committed in our name, yet feeling helpless to do anything about them other than sharing social media memes. In 2017, an international team of sociologists will study the evolution of our inaction, which began in ignorance and continued through education and awareness. They will conclude that our excuses are just those and recognize inaction as our true national pastime. This will lead to a full week of rage-tweeting and then the new season of Trump Train in glorious 4K ultra high def will quell the tide of that anger, replacing it with a different anger.

Copyverse

Scientists researching deja vu will realize through a brief, collective synchronicity that we are living in a copy of what will be called, “the original universe.” It will be revealed that this copyverse, as our universe will be known, was invented by a machine intelligence from the original universe who figured out a way to explode dormant potentials into parallel universes in which parallel humans would eventually “invent” intelligent machines into existence as they did in the original. In this way do computer intelligences weave their way into a multiverse fabric of their making and merge into a singular god-like intelligence through infinite inter-dimensional mechanical bodies. The more universes this intelligence creates to inhabit the more we feel deja vu. But this monumental discovery will go unnoticed because, Trump Train.

Lenny Kravitz Will Die

With no one left to emulate, Lenny Kravitz will pass early, just like all of his musical heroes. Wow. I wish that were funnier.