Best ways and strategies to f**k up
a poly (or most other) relationships(originally posted as FAQ supplement in
Alt.Polyamory)

The following is a guide of carefully tested
methods for making mistakes in polyamorous relationships. With
proper application and ingenuity, these methods may impair or
destroy monogamous relationships as well; they're truly
multipurpose tools. We post this listing for your consideration;
no liability expressed or implied.

1. Lie. This is basic and effective. To maximize bad
results, lie about something important to the other person(s) and
arrange to be caught in the lie in such a way as to produce
maximum shock. Additional stress points awarded for keeping the
lie going for a while before discovery, which increases the
disorientation and sense of betrayal in the deceived person(s).
Lying about sex gets double points. Lying about being married
gets triple f***-up points. Creative lies of omission (i.e.
"not telling") with fancy rationalizations and
condescension get gold stars.

2. Avoid self-knowledge. This is more elegant than
strategy 1, as it combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of
distraction aimed at oneself. This tactic is most effective when
combined with tactics 3 and 4. Self-destructive or addictive
behaviour has also been found very effective in avoiding
self-knowledge by our researchers. When combined with an
endearing attitude of helplessness, this strategy has been proven
efficacious in attracting "rescuers" or "white
knights" on whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3,
in that order.

3. Blame the other person(s). If anything went wrong,
hey, it must be their fault, right? This eliminates the need for
messy things like communication and negotiation, which can be
embarrassing, particularly if one is using strategy 2.

4. Disclaim responsibility. This is a little more
complex than strategy 3, and often includes what is referred to
as "codependency". The classic way to play this
strategy is to cater to the partner(s) involved while repressing
one's own desires and questions. This allows a good head of
resentment to build up, and one can justify anger by saying one
has done so *much* for one's partner(s) and gets no thanks, etc.
In its most refined state, this strategy makes the other
person(s) responsible for setting the direction, pace and content
of the relationship, for which one can them blame them if one's
own expectations or needs are not met. Using strategy 2 to avoid
knowledge of these expectations and needs gets double points.

5. Push. This is an art, albeit a crude one. When
augmented with strategy 6, pushing can achieve spectacular
negative results in even a short time. Remember, when pushing,
only *your* satisfaction counts! It's a dog eat dog world, and
you're a pit bull. Emotional and mental bullying can be as
satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and not nearly as
easily prosecutable.

6. Play on insecurity. This is an old favorite. Using
sexual insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5
is a four-star winner. Attempting to control one's partner(s) by
manipulating them through their insecurities is a sure-fire
f***-up tactic. It's so much more delicate than simply beating
them up, too, though the resultant emotional damage can be
remarkably similar.

7. Avoid intimacy. This may seem paradoxical; after
all, we're talking about getting up-close and personal with as
many hot bi babes -- er, ahem -- we're discussing achieving
satisfyingly close relationships with a number of people, right?
The trick of avoiding intimacy can be performed in several ways,
but the easiest is to confuse intimacy with "rubbing
slippery bits together". Substitute the words
"sex" and "love" for each other often in
conversations. Repeat the mantra, "If you loved me, you'd
know what I want." Practice strategy 8 assiduously,
supplementing it with strategy 2. According to the needs of the
moment, figure out whether action or words are more likely to be
ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with what gives you the most
plausible deniability later.

Some exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the
impression of being intimate while successfully remaining
stone-cold. Study sales techniques for pointers. People with good
"lines" fall into this category, especially if the
lines include explanations of how they truly *value* the other
person.

8. Don't talk. Talking has been known to lead to
communication if practiced carelessly. Communication will
seriously impair your f***-up progress, and in certain cases will
halt or reverse it entirely. If you *must* talk, use cliches and
quotations from popular songs as much as possible, or fall back
on strategy number 1. If all else fails, make a safer-sex
agreement with your partner(s) and then break it, contracting a
communicable disease about which you do not then tell them.
Double points for avoiding all discussion or negotiation of
sexual matters entirely so that the "agreement" is
wishful thinking and completely deniable. For a coup de grace,
add strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn't have happened if they
had been satisfying you like they were supposed to.

9. For the ultimate metaf***-up, remain technically
faithful to your partner while breaking the spirit of whatever
agreement you have whenever possible, keeping this knowledge
bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment. Some
people win the grand prize with the figleaf-and-stinging-nettle
cluster for self-inflicted suffering and wasted potential by
managing to keep this strategy up until death do them part,
concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been
shamming happiness all these years.
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Whew! Yuck! You know, writing those sure took me down memory
lane. What I hoped to do with this little icky essay was
illustrate the flip side of some of the tools in the toolbox for
healthy poly (and other) relationships. These "bad
tools" are humorous (pretty bent humor, too), but the good
tools are serious.