George Costanza’s Most Pathetic Moments

August 12, 2015

— By
Mo Salha

Seinfeld is the greatest show of all time and George Costanza could very well be the best character in the show. Everyone knows he’s based on Larry David (with some added Woody Allen-esque schtick mixed in by the wonderful Jason Alexander). The reason he’s so captivating is that he is the greatest moral compass of our time; a new kind of philosopher for 90s and 00s kids. His suffering is so profound and so mesmerising, that it helps us all navigate through life’s hardest moments with the mantra, “at least it wasn’t as bad as what happened to George Costanza, yadda yadda yadda…”

Eating Trash

We’ve all been there. You’re throwing away some stuff and you notice a pristine, almost-untouched bit of food in the bin. You think about eating it. But you don’t cross that line. However, that line wasn’t so clear for George. His temptation skyrocketed when he caught a glimpse of the barely eaten eclair sitting at the top of the bin receptacle.

Donning a Toupee

It’s hard being a bald man in his 30s, who also happens to be unemployed and live with his parents. It’s even harder when you’re short and stocky. But the solution for those difficulties is almost never a lush, clearly fake head of hair. George may have gained some false short-lived confidence, but he probably dented his self-esteem more heavily in the long run.

Taking Too Long To Think of a Great Comeback

Oh, god, the feeling of being embarrassed and only thinking of a comeback when it’s too late. In this epic moment George is embarrassed by his colleague Reilly who remarks on how much shrimp George is eating, much to the amusement of everyone else. George burns up without being able to think of a single comeback, until he comes up with the perfect zing. Hey, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you. Yeah! Take that!

Shrinkage

We’re still not convinced girls know about shrinkage. For some reasons, the male private part doesn’t deal well with water. Like a really scared little turtle. George was caught unawares by Jerry’s then-girlfriend and news spread quickly. Poor guy.

George always had a tumultuous relationship with his shouty, often judgemental parents. But peak George Costanza was reached when his mother caught him “treating his body like an amusement park” and hurt herself trying to ignore it. Remember, guys, always be prepared (for the worst, which is your mother catching you masturbate).