I can’t pronounce this chick’s name, but I know I’m ready to ace the ICE interview so I can earn her her green card. We’ve been dating since we met at the Learning Annex. She coos when I nibble on her Chernobyl toe. He favorite food is squash, baked, not boiled. Her mother is a trade union pipe fitter in the Ukraine. She let me fuck her if I agreed to get her daughter properly set up in the U.S.. Actually forget that last part, but just off the record know that I fucked a hot older Ukrainian plumber because I’ve never won anything in my life and I want somebody to know that. My marriage of convenience money is covering my MLB TV package. She’s got all her shots. Where do I sign?

Why do our immigration plans never account for bringing in more good looking Russian women? If I were Obama I’d get that down home lingo back and haggle some. You give me five million non-inoculated peasants from Central America and I’ll give you one-thousand of the finest looking Russian chicks who call themselves models so you don’t have to feel guilty. You know the whooping cough crowd is coming anyhow. Break me open a couple cargo containers of Russian whores destined for other parts of the world and we can call it even.

Lots of people are glass is half empty on this whole Moscow making Ukraine its backwater bitch. As always, I try to look at the pollyanna rose-colored glasses side. The progression of Ukraine’s good looking women into international modeling and adult performance sectors of the economy is increasing exponentially. It used to be the Ukrainians would gather around the hottest girl in the village each Murckvog Day, hand her a goat’s bladder filled with pewter coins, and buy her a coach class train pass to Berlin to launch her into a life filled with a more viable currency. With the Russian Army inching ever closer, now Ukraine is assembling all women with most of their teeth and a relatively intact hymen, giving them half a pumpernickel and hard cheese sandwich, and dispersing them into the world like Jor-El as Krypton was crumbling. You’re going to have reasonably attractive Ukrainian women descending upon every high per-capita income nation of this earth. I don’t see how this not a great thing. Maybe the Russians took the dolphins, we get the girls. Stupid, Putin.