I DO . . . what????

After standing in front of everyone you know in what would otherwise be considered a ridiculously big white gown, there is a bombardment of suprises, wake up calls, and head scratching.

12.27.2007

the day after puke-mas

it was a wonderful day.just me and herb.i woke up to a quiet, snowy day.spent a few moments reading, praying, and reflectingbefore my cute man came bounding out from the bedroom -"okay! let's do presents!"

it was really great - this is the first of four christmases (one dating, three married) that we have done on our own (SO fabulous, by the way!)and so i actually don't know his "present style".if i had to guess ahead of time, i suppose i would have said he was a mellow present guy.you know, kind of not even mention them until around 10 or 11am!but he is not and i love that!

we had a wonderful morning opening presents and eating omletts.in the afternoon we played with our new wii and finally went to a movie.(charlie wilson's war . . . a must see!)

and about half way through, i looked over and noticed my husband litterally shrinking in his chair."my stomach hurts. i am going to the bathroom."20 minutes later i went to look for him."i threw up"much coddeling and cooing over him took place.since we went to the theater with our neighbor, allison,i went back in to finish the movie with her.

that is when my stomach started twisting and turning.

collaboratively, over the course of the eve, we puked four or five times!

yesterday, we woke up, feeling okay.because our movie marathon was cut short, (the three of us had big aspirations of AT LEAST two movies)i figured i would grab allison and go see a matinee or something.but not quiet yet.i just needed to lay down on the couch for a little bit.surely by noon, i will be up and at 'em - movie going, laundry doing.plus, it was a beautiful day here yesterday!it had snowed ALL DAY on christmas (PERFECT!)but a bright, blue-skyed day, is just what the day after christmas should be.i had big aspirations of long, sunny walks!but it was not just the day after christmas,it was the day after puke-mas.so there i lay, at 7am, on the couch.finally, at 9pm (yes, 14 hours and two project runway marathons later)i got up, took a bath, and went to bed!!!herb stayed up later because his SIX HOUR napfrom 8am-2pm had him pretty well-rested!or at least unable to sleep!

so, today, it is snowing again.yesterday doesn't count, so it is my official"day after christmas".i have big plans for laundry and puttering about - just as the day after christmas should be!

check back later - i will post pictures of THE BESTmost ROMANTICmost THOUGHTFULchristmas gift from my sweet herb!

12.20.2007

doing what i can . . .

to celebrate the things i am doing right now . . . (those little greasy looking pucks are actually cheesy corn muffins that i froze a few weeks ago because eating a dozen corn muffins all at once would be bad news for anyone! but a few minutes in the micro this morning and . . . yummo!!!!)

. . . and looking forward to the things i plan to do later tonightherb is hoping we can reconfigure our $10 target gingerbread kit to look a little more like this $80 mod gingerbread house kit from red envelope. therefore, i bought brown, orange, and green frosting to help him pursue his dream.like i always say, aspire big!(no, i don't actually ever say that!)

12.18.2007

My oh my! I just can't get enough of blogging today!

After a few months, I finally did some scrapbooking again yesterday! And I was reminded how much fun it is! (and it doesn't hurt that i feel pretty proud of this one!)If you want to see more of this little beauty, go on and take a peak over here!

if you know a little girl . . .

you really must go get this book for her!!! my beautiful, 10-year-old neighbor will soon know how to make a sit-upon, the history of spanish queens, and how to tell a good ghost story! if you are a grown-up girl-child of the '80's and find yourself sort of sad that little girls these days are growing up so differently than we did, go make friends with a cell-phone carrying, iPod listening, video game playing, mini skirt wearing little girl and give her this book. i bet she might thank you for the whole new world you would be showing her!

a little party

last friday, we had a little partyafter a fan-tastic dinner out with our supper club.

(by the way,if you are ever in denver,this place is known among the top 10 sushi places in the country!however, if you are with non-sushi loverslike myself - i know, GASP! - then, i highly reccomendthis place!it is across the street from sushi den,same ownerssame chefssame daily fish orders from japan,BUT they also have a creative,and delicious menu of world fusion,non-sea-derived tapas that is TO DIE FOR!)

after dinner,we came back to our house for what i promised to be a simple dessert and coffee.the promise was actually just made to myself,as i had a full week leading up to the party.

but as herb exclaimed (with a very heart-warming sense of pride and appreciation),i just don't know how to entertain simply!it is true.i can't.i love it so much!when you can make a stuffed brie dishand add a fancy cocktailfor just a "little" more effort,it seems like a crime not too!

so a simple dessert (fresh berries in chocolate cups with a dollup of fresh whipped cream)turned into quite a little show!

here are some details:

The above is actually quite easy!Fresh figs with blue cheese and proscuitto.Slice your figs in halfplace a small chunk of blue cheese on top of each halfwrap in a ribbon of proscuitto (fancy itallian ham found in most delis)place on the grill or under the broiler(always my choice in 9 degree weather!)for just a few minutesuntil ham begins to crisp!

and there you have a fancy-looking(but oh, so easy)dessert for all of the low-carb eaters out there!

and finally,brie stuffed with brandied cranberries, almonds, and apricots:

roughly chop an 1/8 of a cup of dried apricots

toast almonds in panmelt 1 Tbs of butter in panadd apricots and 1/8 cup dried cranberriesallow to carmelize for a few minutesadd brandy (less than 1/4 cup)allow to simmer until most of the liquid has evaporated.

slice open a wheel of brie cheeseplace half of fruit mixture on top of one half of the cheese.place the other half on topand spread the remainder of the fruit mixture on top.wrap in a pre-made sheet of puff pastry.

bake at 375 until pastry has cooked and is a golden brown (15-20 minutes)

a marscapone kind of christmas

a week or so ago, i wrote about contentment;in the end, sending my readers off to make the delicious marscapone and mushroom risoto recipethat i shared.

there is no magic in marscapone(yeah, right, says my friend stacy . . . i know, stace, you and i know better!)but when i pay attention to the smooth creamy textureand the sweetbut not too sweetflavor of the cheese,i find myself entering into the present.not thinking about what has happenedor what needs to happenor what i fear may happen.but right in the moment, licking my fingers,my breath begins to deepenand my feet sink into the floor.i notice my neighbor's beautiful yard outside of my windowand hear the sweet voice of patty griffinas she sings about making piesand i realize how good my life is.

and i become thankful;content.

it has been that kind of christmas so far around here.

it has not been perfect,but it has been so good.

in the past, i have tried to orchastrate a holiday right out of the gilmore girl's star's hollow;witty banter and all.

i have say,people don't like being told what festive hats to wearor when to banter witty-ly.they really don't.

this year, i was content to put up my new silver, pre-lit tinsel treethe day after thanksgiving - instead of rushing around,trying to find a place to cut a tree.

so i set up my little tree in the windowwhile herb was using "the fascilities"of all things!!!and then we snuggled and read on the couch.hardly out of a norman rockwell painting,but it was MY life, reality - so it turns out, it was actually not so bad.

a few weeks later, we walked down to the winter market in our neighborhoodand picked out a live tree from the gellato guy(nice move on replacing your seasonal job, gellato guy!)

again, we have slowly,and unceramoniously been decorating it.and it is perfect.because i am enjoying herband the processand the reality;not the fantasy.

advent:before

i want to be reminded of the journey one takeswhen the lights have gone outand there are no more egg rolls.and not only that,all of the egg roll storesare closed.forever.

and nobody seems to care.

when promises have been brokenand tomorrow seems like a silly figmentof an imagination that is

jaded

and

wounded.

this dark,dreary,egg roll free zoneis the backgroundof our world.

when we don't notice that we are constantly covered in bruisesas a result of bumping intothe coffee table, and the couch, and each other;and that our belly's are empty,it is simply because we have becomevery very goodat disguising our disappointmentand our terror that the last bushas leftand we are still here.

i love that this is the time of waiting.because in waiting, there is promise.anticipation.hope.

this is the time that,out of the darkness,after there was no more king OR egg rollsto be had in Israel,and order was naught,and all of the iPhones were on back order,(so the dark really felt dark,and they could not longer pretendthat their hot pink dress was relevant),that there came a ridiculous promise.

truly, it was ridiculous.

but it was better than anything else theyhad to go on.so they waited.and hoped.they believed.

and during this time of advent(which means BEFORE en francais)we are reminded that we are living the same way.not just in a state of darkness.but also, in a state of waiting.in a state of hope.

we are reminded that we can take off the pink dress and put down the iPhoneand really sink into reality.dark.lonely.scary.and as we sit here,we wait.and wonder.and wander.and ponder.

AND BELIEVE

that life will not always be this way.

this is the time that we rememberthat we are waiting for something so much better than *gasp* anything that steve jobs could ever sell.(those are gutsy words to utter in this house!)

this is the time that we remember that a promise was madeand a king was born.

12.06.2007

mmmm . . . mmmm . . . marscapone!

several weeks ago, i wrote a tongue in cheek post about "cheery, peppy people" and my life-long love-hate relationship with them.

i remember the girl that was my co-counselor back at summer camp in college.her nick-name was panda bear.i even found that annoying.

she was so perky and perfect that i often did things(such as, but certainly not limited to) subtly removing my pants and displaying my backside.

i wanted to disrupt the perfection.because i believed there was more below the surface.

there has always been something about people who always seem to have it all together that leaves meannoyed,a little jealous,and often feeling quite prideful.

prideful, because i feel that living a messynoisy life is more honestauthentic.

i know that the people who appear tohave it all together are just as broken as me,but they hide it well.(or maybe not so well)and maybe all of that hiding is part of their individual brokenness.

but in my brokennes,even the implication of their perfectionleaves me feeling even more broken.that is where the jealousy comes in.and then the anger.

and yet, sometimes, i would give up all of the authenticity in the worldjust to live in blind denial of the pain and confusionthat life seems to breed.

i revisit this because i received a commentafter i posted about the bubbly, cheery conundrum.it has been on my mind for over a month.

i have hesitated responding to it, up to this point, because it was written anonymously.

my dad always taught us that if you believe something enough to say itthat you should never be afraid to attach your name to it.part of me felt that, for that reason,it should not be acknowledged.

so, this post is for anonymous.but not just for anonymous.it is for me.it is for you.

the idea was, could it be possible,that from some perspectives,that i AM the cheery, bubbly people?that i AM the one who has the life that people want?that, perhaps the hardest one to think about,i AM the one who is inauthentic and dishonest?living in a candy-coated world?

blogs are such a funny thing.

i think for me, over the past year or so,mine has been a place i have been able to just focus on the beautiful,the hopeful,the silly.

it is the place i have gone to post pictures of my (herb's) gardenand scrapbook pagesand recipes.

it is the place i have used to feel normal and human.the place i have gone to remind methat it is not all dark and bad and scaryand that the sun will come up tomorrow.

i have used my blog as such because the past year or two have been so painfuland difficult.i have been struggling with my healthand facing a really difficult reality check about myselfand about marriage.i have been fightingfor my healthand for my marriage.

i have doubtedand criedand yelled like never before.

i have lived a life i never wanted.i have struggled to have a lifethat i can live with.that i can enjoy and delight in, even.

and yet, i concur with anonymousthat i have posted a lifethat many people would want.i think that is why i post the things i do.as a reminder that there is much in my life that i want. that is good.that i like.

i this in authentic?i am not sure.perhaps.and perhaps not.i suppose it depends on what the purpose of blogs are.and that is probably another storyfor another day.

over the past month,in thinking about this,i am not so sure that the question to be asked here is whether or not i am authentic and honest.

i think that the question is,"cara are you really living the life that were given?are you grateful?"

and THAT is a question i have been pondering.

shortly after anonymous posed this question,i attended a wedding out of state.as a bridesmaid, i spent a lot of time with the other girls in the wedding party.this is always a funny thingbecause you don't always know these women that you have flown out of state to spend time with.

after a comment i made about visiting with my neighbors after they get home from school,one of the bridesmaids had her interest peaked.school, after all gets out around 3:30.she asked me how often i work.i replied that i work part time and that i spend a lot of time taking care of the house,our responsibilities,and my health.she thought that sounded nice.inside, i agreed, and reminded myselfthat it is, indeed nice.i reminded myself to remember thatmore often.

later, as we were getting our make-up done,she asserted, a little more passionately this time,that she wished she had my life.

i assured her that it is indeed, not perfect.

i felt uncomfortable.

she was missing the point.it is not about my circumstances.it is not about her circumstances.

she, apparently, felt quite comfortable.

she wanted proof.she wanted proof that my life is not perfect.

at this point, i could not believe that we were having this conversation.

i feel that anyone with a christian theology KNOWS that nobody's life is perfect.that by nature of her very belief system, the world, the people, the earth . . . it is all wounded.none of it or us functions perfectly - the way we were created to function.

it upset me.

somebody walked between us.i broke eye contact.i hoped it was over.

she asked again.this time, with anger behind her voice.(come to think of it, not suprisingly, she asked most things,most of the weekend,with anger behind it.even her face looked angry.)

she wanted an answer.and she wanted it now.proof that my life is not perfect.proof of why she would not trade her life in for mine if given the opportunity.

all of this from a woman, whose beautiful bodywas carrying a huge, lovely baby inside.she was angry with mebecause i work part-time.

for all she knows,heck, for all i know,my body might not be able to do that!to carry a big, beautiful baby inside.but she was mad at meand probably her husbandand her lifeand god because i work part-time.

whoa. something was out of sorts.

angry is a good word for it.angry is how i feel when i see people who don't seem to be plagued by angst and tendencies towards depression.they have what i think want.and i, apparently, have what angry bridesmaid thinks she wants.

the reality is,she did not want what i have.the reality is, i think,that she is not content with what she has.

like the anonymous comment left a few weeks prior to this experience,it left me feeling rattledand thoughtful.

rattled and thoughtful are good.

rattled disrupts the current system.

and thoughtful implies that you give a shitabout what you are discovering as you are being rattled.

and my current system needed to bedisrupted.

since then, i have been thinking about living the life you actually have.not just going through the motions,but actually living it.

i have been floating through the structure of a "really great life".but i have not been living it.i have not been enjoying it.i have not been appreciating it.

and i don't just mean appreciating in the way your mom meant when she used to say,"you don't appreciate anything around here!"

although, i suppose that could apply too.

what i mean, is really paying attention to the life i leadto the gifts i haveto the peopleto my neighborhoodto the trees in my front yardand the pretty pillows on my couch.

paying attentionadmiringdesiring.and then really digging in and LIVING it.

taking a nap on the pillowsand smiling as i watch the trees changefrom green to golden to goneday after day.

and here is the kicker.i don't think that there is anything special about my life todaythat makes this lesson more or less pertinent.

i might work less than some people.i might have pretty pillows on my couch.

but i faced the same delima that i face nowwhen i worked 50 hours a weekand had a hand-me-down couch.

i did not appreciate life.i did not live the life i have.the one that is right in front of me.

the problem,i think,is not with my circumstancesor calendaror paycheck.

the problem,i think,is with my,with our,hearts.

the problem is with our hearts.

when i say, i am not living life,i mean this:when i am on my couchor with my husbandor at my jobor painting at my orange table,

i am often somewhere else in my mind.

i don't want to be where i am.it is not perfect.so i don't indulge in it. i don't sink my teeth into it.i don't live it.

everyone has pleasures that are in front of them.while i have more free timethat i can choose to waste or really revel in,some people have children that they can choose to waste or to really revel in.

the circumstance is sort of not the point.

but that is where anonymous and angry bridesmaid got stuck.that is where i have often gotten stuck.

the "if only . . . " lie.if only i had what she or he has.then i would be happy.and not only that,but she or he does not deserve what they have.i do.i deserve that.i would really enjoy that so much more than them.i want what they have.and i am beside myself that they have it.

i am here to say, it is only an illusion.

i have lived a busy, hectic, under-paid life, single life.i currently have a slow-paced, part-time-working, financially comfortable, married life.

and in both i have experienced discontent and lonliness.and in both i have strived for peace and for joy.and in both, sometimes, when i have settled myself enough,i have found peace and joy.in both circumstances, peace and joy are what i crave the most.and in both circumstances,they were available to me.

if you have traveled to a third world country,you have probably been overwhelmed by the peace and joythat flows forthfrom some people who seem tohave nothing.whose circumstances are desperate.it depends upon, not their circumstances,but rather,i think,the state of their hearts.

when i am feeling most sane,and i think about the lives of others that i would like to lead,they have nothing to do with the person's circumstances.but rather,their hearts.

and i am not talking about those timeswhen i would trade it all in for ignorance.i am talking about the times when i am a bit more in touch with godand the kind of life he designed us to live.when i am craving THAT life. when i am craving TRUTH.and not an easier outlook, or better health, or more free time, or a newer caror a magical debt fairy to come and give me financial freedom . . . oror . . . or . . . or . . . .

when i am craving a life that is based on TRUTH,i look to my friend who does not have the easiest circumstances.she has a lot of good stuff in her lifebut also some strugglesand even more mere inconveniences.

but she is over-flowing with love and peace and joy.she loves life.she loves her job.she loves sex with her husband.she loves the people she works with.she loves getting a macaroon cookie from dean & delucas on any given tuesday for no reason at alland she savors every last damn shred of coconut.

and here is what makes her differnt than the peppy bubbly people:she really feels this way.she is sincere.

and she can live this way, not because she has the perfect lifeor job or coworkers.not because she has a better lover for a husband.not because she goes to a magical dean & delucasor that she was somehow blessed with superior taste buds which allow her to enjoy coconutmore than the rest of us are permitted.

but sometimes i believe all of that.sometimes i loose total perspective on her peace and joy.

she enjoys and loves and lives in peace,i believe,because she believes that god loves her.

seriously.that is it.

and she believes it down to the core of her very being.

and she lives her entire life looking at flowers and car payments,and her husband, and macaroon cookiesthrough the lens of god's love for her.

and when she knows she is loved,she can love her life and the people in it.

and that is what i want.

and that, is what, at the end of the day,i believe anonymous expressed that he wants.

and i hope, that is what angry, sad bridesmaid wants too.

now, take this delicious recipeand cook it for a friend.pour a nice glass of wineand put on some good musicand feel the knife in your hand,as you slice through the shallotsand mushrooms.

then sit downand give your friend some marscapone and mushroom risottoand remind them that regardless of whether you are sitting on the floorand eating off of a cardboard box, or dining at the white house off of gold-plated plates,that you are loved and that is the only reason why you were able toenjoy your wineand your music

and thentell them that they are loved and that you really want them to enjoy every last biteof their risottoand their life.

PreparationCombine boiling water and mushrooms; let stand 10 minutes or until soft. Drain through a colander over a bowl. Reserve 1 1/4 cups soaking liquid, and chop mushrooms.Bring soaking liquid and broth to a simmer in a small saucepan (do not boil). Keep broth mixture warm over low heat.