7 New Features Netflix Needs To Add Immediately

1. Binge-Marathon

This should be easy - it would just disable the "Are You Still Watching..." notification that comes up every few episodes of a TV show. YES, I'M STILL WATCHING, NETFLIX, YOU BAITING JUDGMENTAL PIECE OF SHIT. YOU CAN'T DUMP 12 EPISODES OF A SHOW ON MY LAP ON A SATURDAY AND THEN GET ALL HOLIER-THAN-THOU ON ME.

2. Incognito-Mode

When watching a series with someone else and they want to go to bed or take a break before the next episode, but don't want YOU to watch any more without them, Incognito-Mode would allow you to continue watching and Netflix won't show that the episode's been watched.

Also, you can finally watch that Katy Perry documentary without anyone knowing.

3. Director's Commentary

Seriously, movies that had director's commentary for their DVD release or whatever should come with that as an option. It's just an audio file, Netflix. You already have this for House of Cards. I mean, if you have space on your servers for Without A Paddle, you can make room for some commentaries.

4. Emotion-Predictions

When you're sitting down to watch a documentary, you always gotta wonder - is this gonna be one of those documentaries that seems sad but ends on an uplifting and hopeful note? Or is this gonna be one of those documentaries that is just straight-up the most devastating shit you'll ever see in your life? I mean, goddammit, Dear Zachary. Before you watch a movie - especially if you're watching with a date - it'd be helpful to know what the mood is going to be like AFTER the movie is over, but without spoiling any of the details. Blackfish? Sad, but you feel empowered to tweet about it and that there's still hope for change. Dear Zachary? My date is dead inside now. Thanks a lot, Netflix.

5. A Twitter Plug-In

Far be it from me to suggest ANOTHER social network in our lives - but Netflix is something that could do very well as a plug-in for Twitter (or whatever social network you like to go to in order to complain about things and talk about TV). One of the things we've lost with Netflix is the ability to actually talk about individual episodes or theorize about what's going to happen next in a series - you really can't even go on social media until you've seen the ENTIRE SEASON of House of Cards once it gets released, and at that point, you can only discuss the season as a whole, since everyone watches at their own pace. But if Netflix had a plug-in to Twitter, it could automatically mute people who are ahead of you in a certain show, or highlight people who just finished the same episode you finished. It could become a de facto way to meet people - for friendship, dating, or whatever, since the ideal form of human relationships is sprawled out in a living room on a Saturday afternoon binge-watching the last season of The Walking Dead.

6. Playlists

Hey, you know playlists? It's a way of managing music in whatever order you want to consume it, putting one thing after the other so that you don't have to click "Play" for every single song you want to listen to. You can choose the order, or you can set up a playlist and have it randomly shuffle through all of the items. It's a pretty neat feature that previously only made sense for music - but Netflix should get all up in that.

What if I wanna watch 2 episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then 3 episodes of Bob's Burgers, and finish it off with a depressing foreign documentary I can fall asleep to? Right now, I'd have to manually choose all of those at the times I want to watch them - but if I could just make a playlist and put all of those items in (in the order I want them), I could finally achieve peak laziness and watch everything I want (in the order I want), and not have to lift a finger the entire time. It's basically allowing you to schedule your own (commercial-free) TV channel.

And the possibilities don't have to end there - you could SHARE your playlists (ala Spotify) with friends! You could create playlists all from one show, that cuts out the dud episodes (lookin' at you, Frank's Brother) or just plays down your 10 favorite episodes.

I'm already too lazy to sit through commercials, Netflix, what makes you think I want to be actively involved in my viewing experience?

7. Indecisiveness Timer

If you can't pick something after 5 minutes, Netflix will just automatically start playing a random episode of 30 Rock or Bob's Burgers or some other half-hour comedy you watch a lot, because that's what's gonna end up happening anyways, you boring Netflix-obsessed basic fuck.