Grimy Hipsters Are Spreading Zika Virus With Their Filth

As if we all needed another reason to hate hipsters, they are now helping spread the Zika virus throughout the southeast.

It all started in Wynwood, an artsy-fartsy, $20-for-juice, lets-wear-Uggs-even-though-we-live-in-Florida area of Miami. Basically, hipsters are hanging out at their local coffee shops doing typical hipster things. We all know hipsters don’t really do anything, but the point is, they’re prime targets for Zika carrying mosquitoes.

Obviously, this means they’re more likely to become infected. The kicker is that they are promoting the spread of the virus because they are now another source from which they virus can spread. If you’ve ever played Plague, you know this is Disease Transmission 101.

Unfortunately, besides just passively existing, hipsters are actively promoting the spread of the disease.

We all know hipsters are filthy creatures. They stink like dumpsters and French people. But they are also leaving behind enormous quantities of garbage.

“The people [hipsters] are so dirty, they leave bottles, everything thrown there in front of people’s houses.”

Any guy who has lived in the chapter house knows that living in your own squalor, combined with the Florida heat and humidity, makes for prime breeding conditions for bugs, including Zika spreading mosquitoes.

So, to all the socially irresponsible hipsters out there, please do us all a favor. Take a shower. Stop using coffee as a meal substitute. Wear bug spray.

Obviously, an international would bring Zika to south Florida. To say that Zika spontaneously generated among hipsters, while funny, is incorrect. Spontaneous generation was disproved in the 19th century. What’s being said is that hipsters are promoting the spread of Zika in Florida by providing additional hosts and vectors of transmission.