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Thursday, December 15, 2011

I fucking hated Derek Jeter. I still hate the Yankees. You see, one of the earliest Sports memories I have came in Jeter’s rookie year. Before the Nationals came to DC and I blindly switched my allegiance much like all those die-hard lifelong Ravens fans, I loved the Orioles. The O’s led game 1 of the ALCS in the bottom of the 8th when the scrawny Jeter poked a shot out to right field seemingly in the range of Tony Tarasco only to have some little piece of shit, Jeffrey Maier, basically fucking yank it out of his glove. As Jeter trotted around the bases celebrating the counterfeit home run that changed the Series, my indifference turned to venom. For the next 10-15 years I saw him as a pretty-boy-club-hopping-motherfucker who always said the right thing so he wouldn’t draw any controversy. But after recent events, I’ve changed my opinion. At some point in every Bro’s life he has to overlook personal vendettas and realize that rather than just spitting out hatred, it might be time to tip your cap and show some fucking respect. While Derek Jeter’s put up some impressive numbers on the diamond, undoubtedly earning him a spot in Cooperstown, it’s his stats off the field that have earned him the more prestigious claim: Bro King.
If you’re unfamiliar with the recent events, apparently ever since Jeter dumped that past her prime Lyla Garrity bitch over the summer, he’s been fucking slaying bitches left and right. I mean this has got to be expected, he’s the most iconic celebrity in the biggest city in the country, but it’s the way that he’s been doing it that’s really impressive. According to the source, who I pray to fucking God isn’t lying about this shit, he picks up these slam pieces at the club (I know there’s nothing Bro about going to a #45 Club, but come on, it’s not like he can just roll up to “Off The Wagon” and play some beer pong or some shit) and always makes them enter his apartment through the back door so the paparazzi can’t see that shit and also so they don’t think they’re fucking special, because they’re not. Then, the next morning, when he’s done with his morning sesh, he calls them a car and the fucking generous guy that he is, gives them a goody bag of autographed baseballs, pictures, batting gloves and all kinds of other shit. How fucking amazing is that? Honestly, the only thing better would be if he would just sign their tits “Happy Gilmore” style, but I guess then they would have proof that he actually banged them, and he doesn’t want that shit spreading since they’re nothing more than fucking Club-trash.

My personal favorite is the allegation that he took the same girl home twice without even realizing it, then gave her autographed baseballs again. Now, I might be wrong, but Derek Jeter doesn’t strike me as a guy who #142 blacks out all the time, so this basically means he’s banging so many girls that he can’t even remember what they fucking look like. This, my friends, is what being a bro is all about.

And for all you fucking #133 Feminists out there calling Jeter the words you made up in like 1981 such as “Womanizer,” “Chauvinist,” or worst of all “Man Whore” shut the fuck up. The entire city of New York has anointed him as “The Most Eligible Bachelor,” and you know what Bachelors do? That’s right, bang as many fucking slam pieces as possible. Honestly, Jeter goes above and beyond in his treatment of his Slam Pieces. Does he need to get these Club Creatures a fucking car? Does he need to give them some valuable parting gifts? Fuck no. They should be glad he doesn’t just throw a handful of nickels and a bus schedule on the ground after he’s finished with them and scream “TAKE A HIKE BITCH.”

It’s not like Jeter’s never lived by society’s fucking unnatural rules of monogamy either. But, like a true bro, he didn’t just settle down and marry some 7 so he could watch her pump out kids and get fatter by the fucking day. Derek Jeter’s got a Murderer’s Row of Slam Pieces who’ve slid their Donut around his Louisville Slugger. From Mariah Carey to Jessica Biel, he pretty much just has to point to a picture in a magazine and she’ll immediately start fucking #145 blowing him. And his celebrity Slam Pieces' aren't like A-Rod's either, whose dick, judging by all the old bitches he bangs (Cameron Diaz, Madonna), is clearly trapped in 1993. Jeter’s a consummate professional, rising even above Bro God #113 Tiger Woods with respect to the quality of his whores (I know, hard to beat a busted Perkins waitress or the star of “Shorty Iz Fuckin’ Yo Mama 2”) all the way to the apex of the Bro Kingdom.

Sometimes it’s tough to put down the gloves. We as bros are fucking programmed to stand up for what we believe in, and for years, that described my hatred for Derek Jeter. We’re better than that though. We’re bros aka the smartest people on the planet, and when we join together, we’re fucking unstoppable. So, even if you’re from Southie and fucking hate his guts, just remember this: he’s one of us. Mr. November? Try Mr. Brovember.

16 comments:

Rajon Ronbro
said...

as a red sox fan, i dont hate anything more than the yankees (except maybe some fucking bro-haters). a-rod is one of the biggest pieces of shit i've ever had the displeasure of seeing. even though i hate the team, i've always respected jeter just a little bit. after reading this article, jeter may not be my favorite ball player, but goddammit do i respect the hell out of this guy. he goes beyond the title of Bro King, he's more of a Bro God than tiger woods. yeah i said it!! great article as always NYB

You've got to applaud NYB and bro's like him for their great vision. ending bro-on-bro hate is a big step to our real goal. ending brocism. united we get trashed and fuck shit up, divided we pass out before reaching the bar. Spread the word. from frat house to frat house, bro pad to bro pad. bro's for life

A shirt better come out that says "Mr. Brovember" ill buy the shit out of those. Derek Jeter is a fucking badass and its about time he comes out about banging hot bitches every night. He treats sluts like they should be treated fucking worthless slampieces that are only good for fucking.

Hats off to NYB for his mea culpa in recognizing the Bro-King status of Derek Jeter. I hate the Yankees too but any guy who wins championships, collects $20 million checks, and bangs dime slampieces like it's going out of style deserves Bro praise.

Only by ending Bro on Bro hate (as NYB has done here) can we in the Brommunity finally end the Brocism that the brohaters of the world want to see happen. Bros of the world, unite.

As a life long O's fan, that little bastard Maier still makes me puke bile like i just took a shot of microwaved gin. Whats worse, that moment literally marked the end of my baseball youth - the 95 Os, half the team hits 20 homers, we had the good Alomar brother (until the spitting), Palmero was "steroid free!", and Cal was still calling pitches from 3rd. Then that little mthfkr stuck his cockgrabbing hand out and BAM! here I am, laptop and a job.

Regardless, Jeter had to do something epic to reach his brotential, something not only incredible, but beyond belief. This story was so perfect at first I could only believe it was written by a reader of this site as a fictional bro-literature. But then my eyes were open and the past is whiped clean. Derek Jeter, beers and shots on me bro. You earned it.

i seem to be in the same situation. for years, as an avid yankee-hater, i despised jeter above all the other pinstriped scum, because he was that cocky, grinning face of the entire douchefag organization.

that said, my loathing of jeter slowly evolved into a sort of bro-jealousy as i realized that he was just another bro living the good life. admittedly he is a damn good shortstop too, and i have to give him props.

however, after learning of his godly exploits, namely conducting the pound town express, i must pay my due respect and tip my hat to a true bro king.

You need to write one about a rising transatlantic BROKING - MARIO BALOTELLI. Just does whatever the fuck he wants. Gets wasted and bangs strangs and destroys shit (his home). Read this and tell me he's not a BRO KING.

you forgot to mention HOW he picks up girls in the club. apparently he doesn't even waste his time talking to them. he just scopes them out from his seat for awhile until he makes his pick and then has one of his bodyguards go up to the girl and say "derek jeter wants to talk to you" ... in other words, "you're going home with derek jeter."

Balotelli is definetely a BROKING..still does whatever he wants like a Bro!The best thing about him is when he got pulled over by the cops and they asked him why he had 40,00 pounds cash on his car seat and he replied..because im rich!

What a bunch of testostrone driven, egotistical crock of shit this blog is about. Guys like you don't impress me at all with your childish musings of the world. It is losers like you that lower the bar for men in society. You don't have the first damn clue of what it means to be a real man. And by the way Derek Jeter is a herpes spreading piece of shit. And I am willing to bet after you read this you won't bother to post it, which would only reinforce what I have already said. What a waste...

^ Bros impress all women without even trying because we're so fucking awesome. But we have no interest in impressing your kind, because you're obviously an ugly fat bitch who's jealous of the dime slampieces that we Bros bang on the reg. Hop on the treadmill for a few years and lose some of that cellulite (maybe get a boobjob while you're at it) and you might one day earn the right to be one of our backup booty calls. Until then you'll have to keep crying yourself to sleep alone at night. Bros only fuck the best slams.

Bros are far more than just "real men" - we're basically living gods. Bitches just want our dick because we are the pinnacle of genetic perfection and dominate at everything.