There's piece over on CBS News, via WebMD, that claims to tell men five things they didn't know about their penises. The info provided is basically useless old news (Your Penis Does Have a Mind of Its Own, Your Penis May Be a 'Grower' or a 'Show-er'). The problem? It was written by a man. The only way men are gonna learn something they don't know about their own peens is if they get a completely fresh perspective from someone who's had a lot of face time with dicks—me!

No. 1: It Can Make Chicks Fat

You know how you settle down with a girl and you start a family and then you fall into a routine which quickly turns into a rut, and you suddenly realize that you carry some resentment toward your wife for allowing herself to gain so much weight since your wedding day? Guess what. Your dick did that. When it impregnated her, and thus fucked with her metabolism and energy levels looking after the children you shot out of your balls and into her womb.

No. 2: It Smells Bad When You Don't Clean It

Yeah, it seems like really obvious info, except for the fact that most dudes seem to be utterly clueless on this one. Maybe only gay men and straight women are able to get their noses close enough to that area to be truly offended by the must.

No. 3: It Doesn't Want To Go In My Butt Without Permission

Your penis is a gentleman. The guy attached to it should be one as well. You need to knock first before you enter the back door. Your penis prefers it that way.

No. 4: It Doesn't Mind A Helping Hand

Your penis loves hands. You should know that more than anyone. But what you don't seem to understand is that while your peen might like to be touched, it also likes when your hands pitch in as a group effort on getting a job done. So when you're boning a girl, your penis would appreciate it if you also rubbed her clit with your fingers.

No. 5: It Will Still Stay Hard If You Keep The Condom On

I love raw dogging as much as the next girl, but there are times when you need to wrap it up (like if I don't know you from Adam). Don't pull that shit about how you can't cum with a condom on and worse yet, you can't stay hard, as though it's a threat like, "You better ride bareback or you're not getting fucked." Listen, your fussiness is your problem, not mine, and not your dick's. It's in your head. It's called conditioning. Try practicing jerking off while wearing a rubber.