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The Parent Symptoms

So you woke up this morning with a headache, you’re exhausted, and there is spit-up on your shirt. You can’t remember what happened, so you check your symptoms to figure out if you were out too late partying last night, or if you are in fact a new parent.

“Um, What’s that called” BrainThe memory escapes you. Did I feed her a hour ago or was that a diaper change? Have I eaten today? The clock says 5:30, but is it AM or PM? Did I tell work that I’ll be gone? The cure is food, water, and sleep. Or an Its Been.

QWERTY FaceTypically shows in the first week back to work after child is brought home. Symptoms show as a number of indentions in the face after you fall asleep on your keyboard. The two known cures are getting a job without a computer or caffeine. Lots of caffeine.

Ali EyesIf your friends ask you if you’ve been in a boxing match with Ali, but you don’t remember it, there are two possible reasons. Reason 1 is you’ve been in a match with Ali and he knocked the memory out. Reason 2 is that you haven’t slept more than two hours straight and the bags under your eyes have grown. Get more sleep and/or avoid Ali

Bottle EarsThe ringing of the ears when she’s cried for her bottle. You’ve tried to reason with her, you even show her that you’re making the bottle to no avail. She wants her bottle NOW. She’ll cry until she gets her bottle. You get rewarded for your efforts with ringing of the ears. The cure is make that bottle FASTER.

Hold Me ShoulderDoes your shoulder hurt? Have you been throwing 100 mph fastballs? Have you been hit by Ray Lewis(link)? No? Have you started to carry an eight pound weight around all the time? Well, you’ve got Hold Me Shoulder. Start lifting, because that baby is gradually going to grow until one day it doesn’t want to be seen near you when their friends are around, aka the Don’t Hold Me Bubble.

Cirque BackYou’ve been contorting your body in ways it’s not used to. First you stretch over and pick her up out of the crib. Then you hunch while burping. When she spits out her pacifier, you contort your back to somehow reach for it on the ground without tipping her but somehow balancing between the couch and the end table. Now your back is howling at you. Either train like a Cirque du Soleil performer, or at least do some stretches.

Trash Compactor StomachIt cranks up at three am when she’s crying again and you just want another hour of sleep. It seems to be there when you’re not sure if you can do this for the next 18 years. Fortunately for you, it gets better. The only cure for this one is time.

Tigger Knee (aka Bouncer’s Knee)Acquired while bouncing your baby up and down in efforts to calm or soothe them. The best cure is rest, so that’s out. Basically, wait until the child no longer wants to be held.