Pages

background

Monday, September 20, 2010

My Bell Jar : Depression Confession

I contemplated even writing today given what a dreadful mood I am in. Over the weekend I had imagined myself quite over the sadness and frustration of the last adoption update. I enjoyed some lovely quality time with myself which I will share later this week, but this morning I am back in the bell jar. I realize I'm using this metaphor rather poorly as one can not escape the bell jar, so perhaps I only imagined myself outside of it. The Bell Jar is a book about the mental decline of a woman, and it is to signify a place of no escape where nothing ever changes. While I'm aware adoption is not a mental illness I relate to feeling trapped in a place of no change and no escape. I can not bear the thought of another year or two for a referral. I simply can't.

My deepest impulse is to run away. I want to escape all of this. I wish for anonymity. I don't want to be around anything that reminds me of this journey. My family, my friends, my house, this blog, myself. In my hardest moments I wish to erase the last 6 years from my life. I find it tedious to continue answering questions about our adoption, I find it extraordinarily painful to graciously congratulate others on their pregnancies. I'm rather exhausted with it all and I am painfully aware of it's continued existence in my life. I feel like this process has spread like mold and is infecting all aspects of it most importantly myself. I feel dirty with the weight of uncertainty. I also feel like a fool. I have trusted so much in this process and I feel ridiculous with the degree in which I have handed over my hopes and dreams to unstable bureaucracy.

The worst part is I don't wish to be handed hope. Nor do I wish to be given the same pessimism I am currently exhibiting. There is nothing I wish to hear. Nothing. How drab is that? I'm sitting here miserable,in front of a roaring fire, beside a sleeping cat, and I feel completely uninspired to be talked out of this melancholy, or even to be joined in my misery. That is the conundrum of my bell jar I suppose.

They say time heals all wounds, but time is my wound.

I felt myself melting into the shadows like the negative of a person I’d never seen before in my life. ~ The Bell Jar

10 comments:

I'm sorry for the sadness... That post was beautifully written and it evoked a lot of emotion in me. At the moment, I feel so close to the completion of this adoption but yet so far away from the end. We are waiting for our daughter's visa and the waiting makes me want to scream, every day. I'm so happy to be at this stage yet so tired, so damn tired of waiting.

From time to time someone will enquire "if we have anything new to report". I know people mean well but as you know...so often we have "nothing" new to say and I feel myself dreading the question. I told someone the other day I (as I vented) wishing that the agency would at least make some contact with you assuming they know what it feels like to wait.Sometimes you feel simply like part of the contract and not connected with them at all.Jessa, I hope I am not adding..simply ageeing with the silence.

Thank you so much, all of you. ♥ I know we're all in different position and stages, but I do know we are all suffering through what has been an agonizing and unusual adoption process. I know none of us expected this years ago when when we began, and we could never have foreseen these obstacles.

I am finding this new uncertainty more challenging than ever. I know grieving for the baby it is unlikely we will be referred, and the new obstacles we continue to see is part of the process. I am just so tired of the process.

I pray for all of us in all our situations daily, for visa's and referrals and for those traveling for court. You continue to be in my thoughts throughout the day. I am very thankful for this community.