Sunday, May 24, 2009

Glow in the Dark

“Glow in the dark” condoms are a fucking stupid idea. I daresay there are men who actually need their cocks to be visible under low-light conditions (perhaps so the woman doesn’t have to ask “Is it in yet?”) but, even so, surely it would be far more cost-effective for them simply to use indelible luminous paint and a conventional, see-through prophylactic. That said, there are still risks.

For example, if either the man or the woman (or both) suffers from photo-sensitive epilepsy, then the in-out motion during sex would cause a strobing effect, quite possibly exacerbating the condition. Or, seen from a distance, it might look as if you’re trying to signal someone using an Aldis Lamp. You might succeed, and inadvertently transmit something really stupid or obscene. As a result, an offended Aldis Lamp operator would no doubt send the authorities round. Worse, he might be a gay Aldis Lamp operator. So in response to your accidental transmission of “I desperately need ten inches of cock up my backside”, he’d come round himself and oblige, anally. Then there’s the danger of provoking Sith warriors. A really big, stiff, glowing dick would look not unlike a drawn light-sabre. Consequently, while you were both mid-coitus, large men dressed in black capes and wearing black helmets and masks would crash, wheezing, through your bedroom window and attempt to win you over to the Dark Side. If this is the sort of thing that does it for you, fine. If not, however, if could easily put a dampener on the proceedings.

But there is one, far more deadly potential consequence. The pigment used in luminous condoms is, of course, slightly radioactive. With continued, long-term use, some will inevitably come off inside the woman and very gradually build up until it reaches a critical mass. So much so that, after a year or so, having sex will become like suddenly plunging a fuel rod into Reactor Four at Chernobyl. The two of you will go into meltdown, rendering the whole area around your bed uninhabitable for thousands of years.

All in all, then, it’s probably wisest to stick to the “French tickler” or “ribbed” variety.

Biographical Information

My efforts to make a successful living as a slum landlord in the Peter Rachman mould are currently being thwarted by the fact that none of my properties are yet slums. I live in hope, however. In the meantime, I am trading in endangered species to make ends meet. Powdered black rhino horn is one of my company's more popular lines. Powdered black rhino comes a close second. Available in both 500 gram and 1 kilo sachets, it can easily be reconstituted with boiling water to create a delicious rhinoceros snack which is said by many to be almost as tasty as the fresh article.