Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dear Lisa Marcell, I am in desperate need of your advice, you wisest of all sage's. I am flat-out broke, and the holiday season has approached me. I would love to get gifts for my family and friends, but don't know how I will earn the money. I have contemplated entering the "female escort" business, or cooking up Meth from Sufredrin. Which do you think would be the best choice? Waiting on you, Poor-Whore-Matilda

Dear Two-Dollar Matilda, The Holiday times are upon us and tis the season for gift giving! Which may leave us feeling desperate for moola! It sounds as though you have several reasonable options at your disposal! Congratulations!I must caution you against creating a meth lab, however. It sounds easy, and sure, you meet a lot of really great people in the process...but take it from someone who has been there...it isn't all perfect and rosy. Occasionally, meth labs blow up! And I find it impossible to create meth without getting addicted to it. You don't want to meth up your life, trust me.That leaves us with your second option of becoming a female escort. It can be very lucrative, and again...you meet a lot of really great people in that trade. Unfortunately, people tend to look down upon those in that industry. When people learn of your profession, they quickly try to mask feelings of disgust and horror. If you want to keep your upstanding reputation as a meth creator intact, you might want to consider another alternative... PHONE ACTRESS! If you've got a home phone and no personal boundaries, this may be the work-from-home business for you! It pays well, you get to use your imagination and you can still be a stay at home wife and mother! The hours are very flexible as men like to get their jollies at all hours of the day and night, so you can fit it around your schedule!I think for your own safety and reputation, the best way to bring in extra cash this holiday season will to be in spreading Holiday Cheer over the phone! Happy Holidays, Lisa Marcell

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I have a serious problem. I am a happily married woman, and have never looked at or desired another man besides my husband...that is, until HE came along. Let's just call him Mack Hauer, to protect the innocent. I'm obsessed. I can't sleep or eat, or think without him coming into my mind. What can I do? My husband is sure to find out. How can I get this erotic terrorist out of my mind?

Loving Mack, 24/7

Dear Loving Mack, 24/7,

Normally, when receiving this type of question I would refer you to a marriage counselor, or your clergy. I would treat this as a serious problem that needs immediate help. However, having cracked your code of "Mack Hauer" and knowing it is actually Jack Bauer you speak of....well, no amount of therapy or clergy can help. Nobody can stand next to Jack Bauer and not be found wanting. I'm sure your husband is a nice man and that you love him very much. But he'll never be Jack Bauer. There can only be one. While this statement may fill you with a sense of hopelessness and doubt....try to remember that you can't have Jack. Try to salvage what you can of your own marriage and enjoy Jack for what he is. A renegade lover that can't be tied down. He can save the world, but he can't save your heart from being broken. If you love him, you must let him go kill terrorists. Never speak of this love to your husband...never speak of it to anyone. But please refer to my other blog www.lisamarcell.blogspot.com for facts about Jack Bauer and footage from his recent vacation.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I am a healthy 30 something male. I have no known health concern except for what is called neuroectodermal appendage. My question is this; I recently saw an infomercial that was for "that certain part of the male anatomy". This commercial made a lot of sense to me. So I ordered this all natural herbal product. After taking said product for 2 weeks I started to notice a big change! Unfortunately my neuroectodermal appendage began to grow! (Also known as a Human Tail) It grew 2 inches. This was not the desired affect. So I called the company and all I got from thier customer service department was heavily accented laughter.

Lisa Marcell, what do I do now? Please help. I have included a picture for you.From,

Livin lovita loca in Logan

Dear Livin Lovita Loca in Logan,

Although growing your tail may not have been the desired effect, fate has handed you something even more alluring than an enlarged member of the male anatomy. During a time of economic hardships and instability, you have managed to turn what was once a slight abnormality into a money making scheme! "When life hands you a tail, make money." I think that's how the saying goes.Start sending out your resume, including a butt shot instead of a head shot. There isn't a circus in the world who wouldn't want you to join their team! You have a profitable business on your hands....errrr, butt. And to quote my dear friend, Ludacris..."Shake, shake, shake yo' money maker!"

Good luck in the circus and I hope everything shakes out well for you, Lisa Marcell

Thursday, October 16, 2008

How can I convince my husband that it's in his best interest to help paint the apartment?

Thanks, Struggling Painter

Dear Struggling Painter,

One of the hard realizations in a marriage is that we can't convince our spouse to do as we wish. Unless of course, you married a monkey. And even then...good luck getting him potty trained. The best way to enlist your hubby's help? Enticement. Paint in the nude, using your body parts as paintbrushes. It's not only effective as an attention grabber, it rekindles that spark in the bedroom (and bathroom, living room, kitchen...or any other room that needs a fresh coat of paint) PLUS it saves money. Why waste money on paintbrushes when God gave you fingers and breasts? A little tip...put down some drop cloths.

Monday, October 13, 2008

My left shoe makes a farting noise when I walk. And it just made one when I left the dispatch office at work. Do I go back in and announce that it was my shoe? What if nobody heard it? Then I sound guilty and won't be able to live it down. Or do I just keep going and hope nobody heard it, but risk that they did hear and just think I farted and then left? I'm panicked!

Thanks, Farting and Panicked

Dear Farting and Panicked,

The appropriate response would have been a timely denial and explanation of your shoe having farted, not your rear. But, too much time has passed and it will now seem as though you concocted the shoe farting story to cover up your loose bowels. Then people will not only think you're gassy, but that you are slow, too. There are only two options now.1. Brazen it out, never speak of it again and hope nobody heard it.2. Recreate the situation and do damage control at that point. How? Go back into the dispatch office and make casual conversation until the shoe farts again. At that point, let them know your left shoe farts. And tell a story about how this same thing happened at church one day, but you couldn't deny it to the whole congregation as sacrament was going on. Everyone assumed you farted and you were mortified. The story will deflect the current farting noise, make them laugh and they'll also be able to relate to you. Who hasn't had a farting shoe incident? Once the discussion of mis-diagnosed fartings finishes, leisurely stroll back to your office, ensuring that the fart noise doesn't happen again. Never wear the shoes again.

Hello, and welcome to my advice blog. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Lisa Marcell. Although, I can't figure out why you're even here if you don't know me. I suppose I can help strangers as well as friends, family and co-workers. I try not to discriminate. (Well...I try to not let people know that I discriminate.)

Over the years I have been asked questions by people seeking my advice in this crazy world. Although I love helping people individually, I wondered if there was a way to help in a broader sense. Obviously, it hit me! I can start an advice blog. I was going to start an advice column, but Dear Abby has that market cornered.

So, here it is! Advice by Lisa Marcell! It's what you've all been waiting for.

Please submit all questions that you need advice on to my email lisaharper@gmail.com OR comment on this introduction post with your questions. For sensitive material I will safeguard your anonymity. (Although, I may make fun of you)

Every week I will choose a topic that I think applies to many people and I will post it, along with my advice.