Friday, July 19, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that part time workers’ schedules are becoming more erratic. What’s worse is that the report was compiled by part time researchers.

A report says that part time workers’ schedules are becoming more erratic. Apparently they are being called in at all hours to fill in for full time workers whose careers are becoming more erratic.

Detroit has filed for the largest municipal bankruptcy in U.S. history with debts of $18.5 Billion. People were shocked. They assumed Detroit went bankrupt years ago.

Detroit has filed for the largest municipal bankruptcy in U.S. history with debts of $18.5 Billion. To which Congress, who has run up 1,000 times that deficit is saying “Quitters!”

Detroit has filed for the largest municipal bankruptcy in U.S. history with debts of $18.5 Billion. The amazing part is that the city is in worse financial shape than Chrysler.

Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke told a group he was “not qualified” to give refinancing advice. Which explains how all the banks he was overseeing caused the mortgage meltdown in the first place.

The Florida court where the Trayvon Martin case was tried is offering counseling to the jurors in the case. It can only be assumed they mean advice on how to actually listen to evidence and testimony.

The WWE was embarrassed when 38 match results were predicted by a Reddit user before a pay per view event. The WWE was upset, saying they are the only ones who are supposed to know who wins before each match.

Tennessee Representative Steve Cohen was proven to not be the illegitimate father of a 25 year old aspiring model he claimed was his daughter. The case got so much attention, C-SPAN is offering a show to Maury Povich.

A new phone app helps summon ice cream trucks on demand. Apparently the app was designed by someone who wanted to let ice cream trucks do business without having to blast that obnoxious music all over the neighborhood.

A new phone app helps summon ice cream trucks on demand. Which if nothing else at least is the only thing found to give “Angry Birds” a break for awhile.

Hundreds of people have died in an English heat wave where the temperature has made it into the middle 80s. That’s a heat wave? There are snowmen who have made it through hotter weather than that.

Hundreds of people have died in an English heat wave where the temperature has made it into the middle 80s. That’s a heat wave? No wonder it’s so hard to find someone who speaks English in Arizona.

A survey says that 42% of Americans say that capitalism isn’t working well. Apparently those are the 42% of Americans who have been unemployed since 2008.

A survey says that 42% of Americans say that capitalism isn’t working well. The other 58% say it’s working great, as long as their disability check arrives on time.

The USDA is spending $150,000 to study food shopping patterns through GPS. If you can be seen by global positioning satellites, perhaps it’s time to start buying a little less food.

A study says that devout Catholics enjoy better sex. While that disproves the myth of Catholic guilt, it does show that church parishioners are definitely in denial.

A study says that devout Catholics enjoy better sex. Especially if you are a priest with a parish full of new altar boys.

A Michigan family says they found a pipe and marijuana inside a Burger King kid’s meal. Some people are skeptical. After getting high, a person would at the very least be ordering a Double Whopper with fries.

A survey says that China is eclipsing the U.S. in power, but not popularity. Apparently people like us better knowing that we don’t have the funds to invade them anymore.

The astronaut whose helmet flooded on a spacewalk says they felt like a goldfish. That’s when you know you really should have used the restroom before you went outside.

Llama manure is being used to purify water in Bolivia. How bad is the water there that the water in the toilet is cleaner after being used than before?

Llama manure is being used to purify water in Bolivia. Even the Mexicans are advising people there not to drink the water.

The Earth saw its fifth hottest June on record. Which means Paula Deen’s butter would have been melting no matter what anyone said about her.

A study says that law school is worth the time and money to attend. Unless you are a prosecuting attorney in Sanford, Florida.

Martha Stewart made $5.5 Million in 2012. And who says that ex-cons can’t be rehabilitated?

Dubai is offering gold to people who lose weight in an effort to promote good health. People who gain weight are given shares of stock in Facebook.

A report says researchers are developing a pill that gives the benefits of exercise without having to work out. People are complaining that they wish they had someone around to help them chew the pill.

Experts are advising expectant moms to wait 39 weeks to deliver. Apparently those experts are all men who think that women actually have a choice.

A study says that calorie advice on menus might not help people eat better. Mostly because people use menus to find out what is served and how much it costs.

A study says that calorie advice on menus might not help people eat better. Mostly because if people wanted to eat better they wouldn’t have a menu in their hands in the first place.

A study says that regular exercise may reduce the risk of stroke. Although the one good thing about having a stroke is that after having one people will stop telling you to exercise.

A study says the South lags behind the rest of the states for the life expectancy of seniors. With the diet, number of guns and poverty it’s amazing anyone there even lives to be called a senior.

Honey Boo Boo’s mom says it is time that women took over the country. Which they have and have given us Honey Boo Boo, the Kardashians and the Zimmerman verdict.

A survey says the worst rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” was by Christina Aguilera at the 2011 Super Bowl. Even Roseanne Barr is asking how bad her version could have been.

Ricky Williams has been hired to coach running backs at a college in San Antonio. Apparently the college misunderstood and thought he was going to teach the runners how to zigzag.

Michael Vick says that prison made him a changed man. For one thing, it made him thankful he was never traded to the Bengals.

Honey Boo Boo says she will not compete in any more beauty pageants. Why worry about looking pretty when you can make a fortune letting yourself go in a Georgia trailer park?

A research firm has unveiled shark proof wetsuits. The only problem is they need to figure out how to make the cast iron suits float so the people wearing them stop drowning.

Honda has built a lawnmower that can reach speeds of 130 mph. Apparently it is for men who want to get the lawn mowed but still have enough time to catch all of the programming on Super Sunday.

The Senate has reached an agreement over averting a fight over the filibuster rule. Which means the one fight they were able to avoid was over the issue that has caused all their fights.

A poll says that Americans’ satisfaction is inching back upwards. The only thing that would make them more satisfied would be to quit being asked to take part in so many polls.

Joe Biden is leaving it open for a possible run for President in 2016. The speculating is mounting since he has been trying to keep his image up by not saying anything the past few months.

A study suggests that the billions of dollars spent on President Obama’s climate plan have been useless. The only good thing is that it makes for billions of dollars less available to spend on starting another war.

Gina McCarthy was confirmed as the head of the EPA after a record 136 days since being nominated. Apparently her first goal as EPA Director will be to clean up the sludge that she was subjected to in her Senate confirmation hearings.

The NSA chief says the recently leaked information caused irreparable and irrevocable damage. Although not as much damage as letting everyone know that the NSA is spying on everything they do.

Researchers say the world’s largest viruses are found in Chile and Australia. No one even knew that Paris Hilton had been spending any time in either of those places.

A study says that long distance relationships are stronger than people thought. At least until your wife looks at your Facebook page and sees that you have been having one for the past few months.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Time to enjoy the weekend. Thanks for reading the jokes. Feel free to tell your friends about it, and you can also feel free anytime to send the love!