I was snowed in at a hotel on the southern coast of Maine when I said I’d review the Orchid G. Maybe the problem was that I responded to the Babeland “Products to Review” email on my iPhone that I had a different impression of what this particular toy would be. On my phone’s small screen it seemed streamline, svelte almost and like one of those fancy, high-end sex toys. Needless to say, when the box arrived the next week, I barely had the toy in my hand 2 seconds before I rushed to the website to try and make sense of things. The Babeland website gave, of course, a true description and accurate photo. Note to self: 3″ of iPhone screen vs. 15″ of Macbook screen = a world of difference.

The Orchid G is clunky. There’s no other word define it, as it is exactly that in size, shape, and overall presence. I’m not being dramatic with the last word either. It truly is a pretty garish and visually obtrusive toy. Granted, I received the hot pink version so maybe that has something to do with my overall experience. When I first eyed it, I was reminded of childrens’ playrooms where all of the furniture is made of that hard, hollowed out plastic, is sort of bulbous in shape, and where all edges are rounded. The only characteristic the Orchid G does not share with that kind of Fischer-Price style furniture is that those chairs and tables are usually pretty stumpy and at 8″ in length, the Orchid G is certainly not that.

Performance wise, I also wasn’t too impressed. I’m always skeptical of hard plastic toys because their mere existence implies that there is only one way for all female-born people to be shaped and sized; that we all have the same assembly-line produced bits ‘n pieces and that they react the same way and do the same things. We all know that what works for you, might not work for me, yet a lot of sex toy manufacturers seem to ignore that fact. Because of this, we wind up with toys like the Orchid G, which seems to suggest that all g-spots are located at the exact same angle. Forever and ever. Amen.

Sigh.

The good thing about the Orchid G is that if you are of the variety whose vagina is one from which the mold was cast and you, thus, have no problem navigating your innermost parts with a hard plastic, unyielding g-spot stimulator, it vibrates! And unlike the rest of it, the vibrations are customizable to what you enjoy – starting at a very soft purr to a very intense roar. Sadly, the roar is exactly that. Loud.

All hope was not lost though. While my g-spot remained unstimulated, I used the vibrator on my clit to get off and then all was right with the world. Not right enough to write a glowing review, but right enough to say hey, at least the Orchid G comes in some really nice colors!