High-to-mid-profile actor (hereafter known as ‘The Actor’) is looking for a Relationship Manager to manage his relationship while he is away on tour.

[To maintain The Actor’s anonymity, this advert will be kept necessarily vague.]

Having been a regular on a soap for three years, and a featured performer on a youth-orientated sitcom, The Actor is now looking to take his career to the next level, with a key role in a touring production of a high-to-mid-brow murder mystery, appearing at theatres around the provinces of Britain. He is appearing in this play with a doyenne of British stage and screen – think someone as famous as Felicity Kendal, but who is in no way Felicity Kendal.

Whilst away on tour, The Actor requires a Relationship Manager to keep his relationship with his girlfriend (hereafter known as ‘Susan’) alive. This will entail taking ‘Susan’ out to a bar a couple of times a week, avoiding paparazzi, and sometimes going to see films at the cinema – depending on whether Kate Hudson (hereafter known as ‘Kate Hudson’) is in it.

The Relationship Manager will have to live with ‘Susan’, which may prove difficult as she doesn’t do a scrap of housework, and her job as Actress-Model-Whatever doesn’t appear to involve leaving the house or earning any money.

The Relationship Manager may also be surprised by how many hats ‘Susan’ appears to buy and then not wear. The Actor finds this just as preposterous as The Relationship Manager.

The Relationship Manager will occasionally have to have arguments with ‘Susan’ in shops, about when ‘Susan’ will be paying her share of the mortgage, whether they can adopt a reindeer which can live under the stairs, or why ‘Susan’ can’t have another bloody hat. (The reason is because she has loads of hats already.)

The Relationship Manager will also be required to occasionally engage in lovemaking. It is important that the Relationship Manager is bad at lovemaking, or at least worse than The Actor, just so ‘Susan’ will not end up running off with the Relationship Manager. Although actually, this might solve a lot of The Actor’s problems, and he could then write a book of the story of his relationship with ‘Susan’, which could then be turned into a film, starring ‘Kate Hudson’.

Job: Actor / Research AssistantArtform: Theatre In EducationPaid?: All of our money is going on petrolLocation: Touring

Health Matters Theatre are a new company, making theatre for schools and colleges about medical ailments and issues, with the aim of proving to young people that Health Matters.

We’re looking for a Research Assistant, for our new play for male teenagers on the subject of Prostate Awareness. Working title “PROSTATE OF MIND”. We’re really excited about doing a play about Prostate Awareness, as we think it is an important Health Matter to highlight.

Now, we know that the Prostate is a small doughnut or something up a man’s bum that could kill him if a doctor doesn’t prod it with a finger. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. We’re looking for someone who can “fact up” our script a bit. For example – does it have to be a doctor that does the prodding, or can it be anyone? Does the prodding have to happen at certain times, like that guy who had to push the button in Lost, or can you just prod it a load of times and then you’re okay?

What is a Prostate? Is it a muscle? In my mind, it’s something like a fleshy grenade. Why does it want to kill a man, when it is a part of a man? How does it kill him? Does it release some kind of toxic fluid? Or does it just blow up?

Why don’t men have their Prostates removed if they’re so much trouble? Would that cause problems with pooing?

Do women have Prostates? Or do they have enough trouble on their hands, what with the ovulating and everything?

Basically, we don’t want to scare male teenagers, but we want them to be informed about their Prostates, in precisely the way that we aren’t. If you have the time and inclination to find out these things, and are not scared by pictures of things in medical textbooks, then we would like to hear from you.

Oh, and you can be in the play too. In fact, we’ve earmarked the role of “BOFFIN” for you. The part is of a clever man or lady, perhaps a Doctor, who knows the answer to difficult questions. They will use a lot of jargon, so it’s important that the Boffin is played by the Research Assistant so none of the rest of us have to say long words. The rest of the cast of five actors play characters affected by Prostates in our day-to-day lives – a fisherman, a weathergirl, a bank manager, and a woman committing adultery with a fisherman.

The Research Assistant / Actor is important, and so will only have to drive the van once every two shifts. This is so they can check facts on an iPhone while we’re driving.

Job: Yes pleaseArtform: David TennantPaid?: At this point, it doesn’t even matter.Location: Anywhere. He has a car. HE WILL DRIVE TO YOU.

This is an URGENT MESSAGE. You know David Tennant, right? Up until recently he was Doctor Who. Now, he URGENTLY needs a job.

I am David Tennant’s agent, and it is imperative that he at least gets one decent job before the new guy starts on Saturday.

I’m trying to think of a decent analogy… Okay, imagine you’ve broken up with someone, and then they say they’re coming round to dinner with their new boyfriend… you need to have a new boyfriend too, right? Right. Well, it’s like that. Doctor Who has a new boyfriend (Matt Smith), and poor David is left with NOTHING. Not even that American pilot that didn’t get picked up.

Besides, did you not HEAR? His last words as Doctor Who were “I don’t want to go”! Have pity on the man, for Rassilon’s sake!

Theatre, telly… he’s done it before, and he can do it again. He’ll even try film, although St Trinian’s 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold didn’t do so well, and he was only in Harry Potter for about five seconds. HAVE PITY ON HIM!

Remember! David Tennant! He’s the skinny one! He has HAIR! How can someone like this be unemployable. Shit, at this rate, he’s going to be the one doing voiceovers on Little Britain in ten years’ time.

Please give generously. David needs a job by Saturday, and I need a break. He is calling me night and day. Night and day.

Job: Bass PlayerArtform: MusicPaid?: Once we get our record contract.Location: Peterborough

What is up? We are STONEGAuGE, a rocking 4-piece band looking to take things to Tha Next Level. To do that, we need a maestro of the four-string bass to groove our shit all to pieces!

We play melodic indie with a twist – we mix soul with our rock to make a truly unique sound that has never been heard before. Our influences range from the Stereophonics all the way to Snow Patrol. We experiment with sound, texture, flavour, scent, to make something fresh, original and creative. We can be soft, or hard, or loud, or quiet. We can be romantic, or grope you.

At the moment, our line-up is made up of Kevin R on guitar, Kevin S on guitar, Stooberry McCastillobraxx (Stu) on guitar, and “Big” Kev B on drums. “Big” Kev B also owns the garage we rehearse in.

We decided to be in a band when we were jamming in the Healing Fields at Glastonbury, and we hope one day to return to Glastonbury and play an actual tent.

You must be a professional, committed bassist, willing to rehearse four days a week. NO TIMEWASTERS. We are on the brink of something beautiful here. And that beautiful thing is a record contract, followed by money, and glittering fame. But we only get there by hard work, and you can’t do hard work when you’re a wage slave for The Man. Give it all up, and come join STONEGAuGE! That’s what Kevin S did. The rest of us never succumbed to the temptations of the cash.

Our MySpace is under development, so at the moment you can’t hear our demo. Trust us – it’s something pretty amazing. Come and see our shows. Your mind will be blown!

Hello darlings. I’m Sandy Dimmock, the writer and STAR of the new musical version of the film Erin Brockovich, which I have called “Erin Brockovich: The Musical”. I need a Costume Assistant for the theatrical run, and may also WINK WINK need some other COUGH COUGH NUDGE assistance. I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

In “Erin Brockovich: The Musical”, I play Erin Brockovich, a fabulous single mother with amazingly clear skin who works in a law firm A BIT LIKE LEGALLY BLONDE. She then discovers that a VERY NAUGHTY company is contaminating the water of a village and so Erin battles the Corporation in court and IN SONG before she – SPOILERS!!!! – wins. OOOH.

It features songs like “Unemployed & Underfed (I Haven’t Had A Sausage In Days)”, “There’s Something In My Drink, Mum” and “I Thought You Said ‘Pro Bono’, Albert Finney”. I know I wrote it, but I think it is AMAZING.

I have nine costume changes in the hour-long show, from fabulous trailer trash chic with sequins, to fabulous legal trouser-suit chic, WITH SEQUINS.

I will need you to help me in AND OUT of these costumes quickly and efficiently.

I BET YOU HAVE HAD PRACTICE, YOU NAUGHTY THING. And actually, experience is required. I like my men experienced. I DO.

And as previously COUGH stated, I may need some NUDGE OOOH other type AHEM WHOOP WHOOP WINK of POUT POUT NUDGE help. OOOH. I couldn’t possibly say what, but I think you HAVE SOME IDEAS. WHOOP! OOOH. POUT WINK WINK COUGH.

Job: Sign Language InterpreterArtform: TheatrePaid?: The production is run on a profit-share basis. So no.Location: Edinburgh Fringe

Ocean Motion Theatre are looking to make their 2010 Edinburgh Fringe show appeal to that tricky deaf demographic, and so are looking for a sign-language interpreter.

Following their children’s show “Homeless Whale Meets Choking Swan” (which introduced children to the issues of Homelessness, Whaling, Littering and Swan Anatomy), the actor-writer-director-producer of Ocean Motion Theatre (Mark Rambuteau) is looking to again tackle some big issues. “Atheist Afghanistan Suffragettes With Poor Circulation Battle Poverty On The Wheat Field Full Of Landmines” is a play which skews slightly more adult in its demographic, whilst still being a family-friendly production.

It asks each audience member, “If you were a woman denied the vote by an oppressive Afghani regime, yet you did not believe in the God that everyone else did, and you were so poor that you had to thresh grain on a field which had been booby-trapped with landmines – and you constantly had cold fingers – what would you do?”

Ocean Motion are looking for a sign-language interpreter so that we can open the show to the widest amount of people possible, and get some more deaf bums on seats.

You will have a BSL qualification of at least Level III, experience signing for live theatre, and sympathy for the issues raised by the play. All of them.

It is important that the sign-language interpreter sticks closely to the text. Our friend Nigel, who is hearing-impaired, says that sometimes the sign-language interpreter for plays throws in sarcastic comments about the stage action, or “starts improvising”, and let us assure you that that’s not on. Mark is aware he is going bald, and no amount of snidey sign-language backchat is going to change that.

The production is profit-share, so assume you aren’t getting paid. We will, however, let you sleep on the floor of the flat at a reduced rent of £300. You could bring an air-bed or something.

We look forward to welcoming you into the Ocean Motion family. And if you don’t get accepted, come and see the show, bring your friends, and BUY TICKETS. BUY TICKETS. BUY TICKETS TO REDUCE MY DEBT. BUY TICKETS.

The Birds Eye Arts Trust invites applications for its 2010 prize. The prize consists of £10,000 for an artist or arts collective to realise their vision of a large-scale arts project based on the subject of breaded fish.

For 35 years, Birds Eye Foods have operated an arts trust which awarded prizes to artists to develop their work and gain a leg-up in the professional arts world. This was in accordance with the wishes of their founder, Sir Sebastian Bird, a Victorian philanthropist who understood the symbiotic relationship between food production and a thriving artistic community.

The prize money has risen over the years and currently stands at £10,000, which the artist, company or artistic collective must use in the production of a large-scale arts project on the subject of fish, breadcrumbs, batter, or the combination of the three.

Applicants must fill out an initial expression of interest, from which a shortlist will be created. Shortlisted applicants will then be invited onto Captain Birds Eye’s ship to spend time at the Captain’s Table, soaking up the company ethos over a slap-up meal.

After this, Applicants must make a final submission, which will consist of a proposal of no less than 5,000 words, any supporting photographs, diagrams or media, and a tasty and healthy meal prepared for the selection panel by the applicants. (Applicants are reminded that Birds Eye also produce Garden Peas, which the selection panel like very much.)

Applications that mention potato waffles are favoured, if only to prove how waffley versatile the artist or art collective can be.

Winners will be notified through a carefully-selected tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti. That isn’t a Bird’s Eye product, but we like it nonetheless.

Birds Eye wish good luck to all applicants, and look forward to setting sail with them upon the Captain’s ship, to the warm seas of creative fish-based art.

About NRAJ

Not Real Arts Jobs is the foremost portal on the Internet for jobs within the Arts which are not real. The jobs posted tend to be based in the UK.
Subscribe and receive new jobs as soon as they are posted by clicking here.