The assorted musings of Hugo Schwyzer: a progressive Anabaptist/Episcopalian Democrat (but with a sense of humor), a community college history and gender studies professor, animal rights activist, ENFP Gemini, avid marathoner, aspiring ultra-runner, die-hard political junkie, and (still) the proud father of the most amazing chinchilla on God's green earth.

May 08, 2006

A follow up on student crushes: what NOT to do

I continue to get lots of hits from people looking for information about "teacher crushes." This March 24 post has become my second most popular post ever, trailing only the vaguely related series of posts I wrote last year on older men, younger women relationships. (One, Two, Three).

In both recent comments and e-mails, I've been asked to expand further on the subject of how teachers and professors ought to respond when they realize they are the object of various kinds of crushes. (Jazz posts a troubling personal anecdote here). In the original post, I wrote:

If we take advantage of student crushes... we make a huge mistake. We assume that the real interest was in us rather than in how we were able to make our students feel and how we were able to make them think. The best way to think about student crushes is to take them as a sign that you're probably doing your job pretty damn well.

I realize I may need to be more specific.

I will say without shame that validation is one of the many reasons why I love teaching. Yes, I love my subjects (women's history, the rise of the West, what have you). Yes, I believe I am serving Clio by introducing as many students as I can to her mysteries, her charms, and her joys. But while I believe passionately in what I'm doing, I'm also aware that my own ego does get involved. I do want my students to think I'm compelling and interesting; I want them to learn, but I also want them to enjoy learning, and to enjoy learning from me. Part of me sees teaching as service -- and another part of me teaches for validation and affirmation. I'm careful not to pander to get the latter, but when it comes my way in various forms, I won't deny that I feel pretty good!

But it's one thing to feel proud and pleased when a student tells you (after you've turned in the grades) how much they enjoyed your class. It's another thing to consciously encourage the kind of crushes that I wrote about in my previous post on the subject. While some crushes are indeed sexual or romantic in nature, most are, as I wrote before more about the student than the teacher: Students don't get crushes on me because they want to go to bed with me or be my girlfriend or boyfriend; they get crushes on me because I've got a quality that they want to bring out in themselves.

So obviously, we who teach make a disastrous mistake when we confuse a student's infatuation with us as their professors with their longing for us as actual human beings. As I told my friend and colleague "Darrren", students don't get crushes on the real "Darren" -- they get crushes on "Professor Smith", who is this exalted being they've placed on a pedestal. If Darren acts to encourage a student crush, or allows it to become expressed in action, he is likely to find (among other things) that his own fall from the pedestal will be swift and brutal!

For most of us (let's hope) our students don't see us when we're sick, whiny, tired. Like actors on a stage, we (presumably) perform at our best most of the time, concealing the reality of our frailties and our inadequacies from those whom we are teaching. For many of us in academia who were "geeks" and "nerds" in our own younger years, the sense of power and satisfaction we can derive from holding a class spellbound is tremendous -- and very, very seductive. And as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing wrong in deriving real pleasure from teaching well and knowing you're admired and heard.

But there is no greater sin in our profession than to use an individual student's crush in order to gain validation outside the classroom. Given that we've established that some crushes tend to be more sexual and others more intellectual, it's understandable that some profs may feel a tremendous curiosity about what exactly it is that a student who appears to be "crushing" really wants. Time and again, I've seen professors make the dangerous mistake of subtly encouraging a crush -- not because they intend to have an actual affair with a student, but because they are hungry for more and more validation. They may hope to entice the student into sharing more about his or her feelings, all for the satisfaction of feeling more powerful and desirable.

Students don't seem to get crushes on me as often as they used to. Some of this is because I am older, and some of it is no doubt due to the reality that my boundaries are much better than they were a decade ago. When I was a novice teacher, I did consciously encourage student crushes because they felt so damned good! I loved the little notes and the "googly" eyes I would get -- and I found myself enjoying the attention way too much. It was several years into my career before I became aware of just how manipulative and unprofessional I was being; I am happy to say that I have radically changed how I interact with students.

As I wrote about in my original post, I've mentored a couple of younger or newer male colleagues here at PCC and elsewhere. Now that I've got over a dozen years of full-time teaching under my belt, I feel as if I've had a healthy amount of experience on which to draw. I made a lot of mistakes in my early years in this profession, and have learned from them. I'd like to be able to find a way -- perhaps through published articles or workshops -- to reach more folks in my position. As with the older men, younger women issue, the subject of student crushes strikes a nearly universal nerve; I'm amazed at how many folks have shared their stories with me since I put up that original post. And I'm concerned that far too many of us who teach are wholly unprepared when we find ourselves the object of these crushes, and whether intentionally or not, may do very real damage when we respond in the wrong way.

This is years late, but who cares, right? Well, I have quickly become infatuated with my new professor. It amuses me to think that I am capable--ultra-competent, mature, cool me--of doing something silly like this. It's also been eye-opening just how much like sexual lust it feels, even though I believe it's basically intellectual love. My heart quckens, I feel flushed, and I can't stop thinking about him. It's funny and creepy at the same time. I've even started dressing different in hopes that he'll notice me. I know it's a little wacky, but basically it's harmless as I'd never dream of going beyond a safe flirtation. Like the poster above said, it is literally painful to have to look at him, though it's all in a sweet kind of way. Typing all this out has made me feel so ridiculous that I almost begin to see just how pointless this crush is. But, sigh.

I have fallen for a teacher. Theres a 12 year age difference. We are more friends than teacher-student as i see him more out of school than in school (not dating wise). im no longer in any of his classes, he isn't married and he always comes and talks to me when i don't go to him. The only thing i can dream of and think about is having a relationship with him, he's the only guy i've had eyes for for the past 2 years. I am one year off graduating, when i do, would it be alright to have a relationship with him? please help!

I am a senior student at my high school (so in my late teens), and have a mild crush on one of my teachers. She is only in her early twenties, and I realised a short time ago that she has started flirting back with me. I don't really know what to do here - I certainly have no intentions of taking this any further than just flirting (and I get the feeling that neither does she) but I'm not sure whether I should be flirting back even on this level, as I have no idea if any other students have noticed. I don't want to get myself, let alone her, into trouble for nothing.
And before anyone asks, I like her more for how she looks and behaves than how she teaches. She isn't a particularly good teacher at all, but we have similar interests.

I'm still wondering about a post I read earlier about teachers who develop crushes on their students? I'm at a university on the east coast and am currently in a class where the instructor is a 26 year old graduate student and I am a 21 undergrad. Very little age difference and are both very interested in the same subject. While I am intrigued by his intellect, I feel as though there is a definite possibility that he also attracted to me, just from little things that I pick up on - including the way he looks at me. While I would never do anything do jeopordize either of our reputations while I am still his student, I wonder about the possibilty of a continued relationship after I finish the class. Would it be horrible for me to give him my phone number after the class is done?

HI.
I have a question for you guys. I am a fourth year undergraduate student. I recently switched faculties from a natural science degree to a psychology degree. I like psychology a lot. This semester i m taking my first 400 level classes. I m taking this one class, and i am attracted to my prof. Not only do i think that he is intellectual i also find him physically attractive. Anyways i realize that i have no chance with him and i expect nothing. But something happended today thats been bothering me. We had an exam in his class on tuesday and it didnt go too well. So i went to see him today to discuss the exam, but everything i wanted to say came out wrong and i think i put him in a position where he felt like he had to defend his exam because he went through the entire exam and told me exactly where he got those questions and when he taught it to us. I felt bad because i wanted to make a good impression on him and not have him think i was another student blaming a bad mark on the professor instead of owning up to it. what should i do? i am not very good with communicating. I m sure he has dealt with situations like this before but i just dont want to be one of those students in his eyes. I m not just saying that because i think hes good looking but because i respect him as a professor. I want to let him know that my intentions werent to offend him but i am afraid its going to come out wrong again. please let me know ur opinion.

Whilst all this may be good and true, I am an undergrad student who is very attracted to my lecturer. I love the fact that he is more powerful than me, smarter than me, and that other people would consider it wrong if we were together (but then I can be a bit 'sick' in general when it comes to this sort of thing). He must be in his early forties but I want him sooo much sexually, that I always think about him when I'm wanting to pleasure myself!
But then again I've always had a thing about older men, whether teachers or older friends of my parents. I find them irresistable!

Ok so i ve been crushing on this professor all semester. At the end of the semester, which was a week ago, after his exam i wrote him am email telling him that i really liked hhis class and him as a professor. I also asked him a couple of questions regarding the exam. He replied back only answering the questions. Didnt acknowledge anything else in the email. Should i have not said anything about liking his class? I hope he doesnt know that i have a crush on him.

I too have a crush on my professor, who I estimate is twenty years my senior. To be more truthful, I am sexually obsessed with him; I don't want to become his girlfriend or his wife, but to feel every inch of his naked body against mine.

He is currently my supervisor and I will be sure to never let this go beyond the bounds of fantasy nor let him know of my passion - it's too dangerous a terrain. After all, if he did reciprocate, what would happen if the affair soured? I imagine my academic career would be thwarted in some way. He has to much influence in the trajectory of my professional future.

I have a crush on my 1st semester math teacher, who I think is about ten years my senior. Math is my favorite subject, so that was my favorite class...but not just because of all the interesting equations. I am enamored of her on a few levels: she is physically attractive, but she is also funny, and has this persistent air of innocence that I find adorable. She is also a good teacher, and I admire her both for her academic accomplishments and her genuine love of math. Eventually, it got to the point where I would barely even pay attention to what she was writing on the board. After midterms, I discovered I had an 89.3 in the class, which would amount to a B. I was a bit surprised, but I attributed it to my abysmal homework completion. My mom's a bit of a nutter, and she sent a rather rude e-mail to her demanding that my teacher change the grade because I had, in fact, completed a ten point assignment that would bring me up to an A. I was horrified, and I sent her an e-mail apologizing for my mother's actions and thanking her for putting up with it. She responded, saying that I was very mature (at the time, I wasn't quite fifteen yet), and told me that I'd done very well on my midterm. I replied, saying how I admired her and how I want to be like her and get a job that I enjoy after I finish college. Never got a response back. I tried to switch into her 2nd semester class, but a senior teacher left and she was forced to teach a different class. My current math teacher is excellent, and I enjoy the rigors of his class so much that I gradually was able to forget about her. However, I saw her for the first time in months today, and my feelings were instantly rekindled. There's obviously an age gap that is completely innapropriate right now, but I've fantasized about the possibilities once I graduate high school. It's a bit embarassing typing this, but it's good to know that I'm far from alone in feeling this way.

I've been carrying this burden of guilt for two years. I can't get over the past, unlike most of the students contemplating weather or not to confess their feelings, I did. His reaction did not go well, after I told him how I feel he simply walk away from me. I never got the chance to state my ple for temporary insanity that day. And to make matters worse I still feel the same way about him to this very day. I haven't seen him in two years but if I could I would exsplane what was going on with me. I hope that one day I can meet up with him agane and just talk. Lately he's been on my mind and I can't stop thinking about him. I never choose to have these feelings for him I just do and theay won't go away.

I think that the comment "Students don't get crushes on me because they want to go to bed with me or be my girlfriend or boyfriend; they get crushes on me because I've got a quality that they want to bring out in themselves," is so true. I have had a crush on one of my Anthropology Professors and stepping back to analyze the situation, she has a lot of qualities I lack in development.

P.S. Thanks for the article, this helps make this a little less awkward.

HELP
i really like my teacher and i dont think its a crush cos it feels different and he is not that attractive(married) all the wrong things, and i think i love him but dont know what do cos even though he doesnt teach me at the moment he still works at my highschool and i see him a lot.

I have been an adjunct professor at a community college for about ten years. I think there is a lot of transference in the professor-student relationship, or anyone placed in a situation of command and authority. It reminds me very much of what I have experienced as a folk singer and musician since I was a teenager or what I experienced in the late 1960s and 1970s when I was a leader of a radical organization and a leader in the antiVietnam war and Black power movements. On stage or on the lecturn addressing a big political meeting or demonstration, the same convergence on you always comes from the opposite sex.

In ten years I have taught about 60 classes. I do not think there was a single class that there was not a student that I felt attracted to sexually or there were not students showing some aspect of the student crush. About once a year, there are students who seem to want to take action beyond the classroom about this. I mean women who seem genuinely interested, not those who are trying to whore their way to a better grade, sometyhing I experienced as an undergraduate and a graduate student. I confess that about once a year, I come across a student, usually an older student 40+, who really appeals to me beyond the physical.

However, it would be awful for me to "take advantage" of this. I have been placed in a position of power and responsibility. I should not abuse it. Students should expect me to be fair and not favor people on any basis.

Moreover, as a mature (61) person, there can be no real relationship with a student, especially young students. I have seen people who do this be people who aren't into relationships based on equality and sharing, but sexual exploitation.

Thank you so much for this article!! I had a crush on one of my college professors, and to me, it was just a horrible, unwanted experience. I still have a crush on this professor, though, and it has been over a year. To make matters worse, I have not even seen him in a year. I do not want these feelings, I never asked for these feelings, and I just want them to go away. This article, however, has been instrumental in providing necessary insight that I feel is useful in helping me deal with these unwanted feelings. It is also nice to know that I am not alone in this type of experience. I felt ashamed of myself for feeling this way about my professor, a man 16 years my senior. I thought something was wrong with me! I have never admired another in the way in which I do this professor. I just want to get over it already and move on! After reading the article and its comments, I have faith that one day I will actually accomplish just that.

Very good essay. Most of the time student's "crush", is a transferrence. I found a good way to responbs is to try to redirect the crush on the subject I am teaching. Easier said than done, but first encourage the student to learn, "for you" and then redirect back to learning for her/himself. Watch for countertransference, though:

Relationship with students (I am talking real adults, like 21+) are career killers in Canada now: There was a case of a part time prof at Algonquin College in Ottawa who started dating his student - but asked other faculty to mark her assignements. They fired him anyway.

Thank you for this article. I'm a post grad on a professional course to become a barrister. I've had a crush on my lecturer for the past few months. I've been really confused as it's the first time that this happened to me. I'm not looking for better grades or an opportunity to brag to my friends. In fact, if I had been able to date him, I would have been completely silent about it as I don't want to cause any problems for him.

He is around 15 years older than me. He used to practice as a barrister. I find him really intellectually stimulating. He is irish with amazing green eyes and he is around 6ft. He is also funny and nice. I guess I'm very obvious as I'm a good student but I'm always asking him stupid questions simply to have an opportunity to talk to him and I stare at him or lose composure.

He responds to my emails really quickly. Once during his office hour, I was sitting and he knelt on one knee whilst explaining some law related things. We were so close that I could have kissed him if only I had bent down further. My friends think that he has a soft spot for me because he knows that I admire and like him but he has been totally professional. I've been thinking about him everyday and hoping to bump into him at school. I've been tempted to ask him out for a drink but he is so into his job that I'm sure he will not accept.

So, I am trying to convince myself not to act on my crush. Your article is really helpful and I'm trying to convince myself that I might have this huge crush on him because I want to be a confident, good looking, intelligent barrister like him.

I guess since we are all confessing, I will post. I am a 40 year old female grad student, married with 4 kids, and have a crush on my 66 year old female professor who just happens to be the assistant dean of a small rural college. I have always thougth I was heterosexual but now have feelings for her. She may be a lesbian and I am not sure of her relationship status. I have had a crush on her for 2 years --she has agreed to mentor me but I want more. I too find it painful. I wantt to "come out" to her but don't know what will happen.

I'm glad I'm not alone! As a clinical teacher for the uni I have never so much as even flirted with a student, and pride myself on my professional approach. I have worked with many of my former students (Am also a nurse) and have never so much as looked at their cleavage (despite there being some stunners). In fact, I still can't bring myself to flirt with them, even when they are now my equals. Anyway - my favourite student of all now works with me. I was out with friends on the weekend and ran into her. She was drunk and told me she had a massive crush which was now easing. I must admit this surprised me a little,although I knew she rated me as a teacher very highly ( although the blushing should have alerted me). She also told me the reason she had left her long term partner was me - she realised she "could do better". I know of previous crushes, and as I say I have always behaved in what I consider a very professional manner. This time, however, I made a mistake in spending the night (out on the town) with her discussing the situation. We talked it through, and I did my best to have myself removed from the pedestal, but with no luck. She still thinks I am perfect (of course I am far from this). And of course my humility and honesty only made me more "perfect". I know I have had a huge positive influence on her career, and so flattered and proud that she has such a high opinion, and is seeking to emulate me. I told her that she was my favourite student (which is true - but other posters had described this as subtly leading students on - which may have been true). The problem, I guess, is that because she is the type of woman I would go out with (she's 26, me 10+ years older) I loved the attention I was getting - loved hanging out with her (obviously - she is very attractive, passionate, open and humourous) and may have subconsciously made things worse. I had originally planned to set her up with a friend of mine, a really decent guy, but am now reluctant as I would be a little jealous (and am in a relationship). I think I have made it slightly confusing for both of us, particularly as she is vulnerable, having ended a relationship. I have told her that her crush was probably due to the power differential (so academic of me!), but again as previous crushees have said fantasy/heart rules the mind. But then again, she is an adult, we are colleagues, so there is no professional dilemma, but for me there are ethical ones (former student, and a partner). While I wouldn't do anything (too sensible) it is also hard for me as I am a romantic at heart and she is just my type. I think I have a little crush! I don't really need a response, I just need to say these things out loud - a little self therapy! Nice to know this is a syndrome - helps me deal with it.

Just because a professor continues to speak to you or takes a special interest in you does not mean that they are conciously or unconciously leading you on. Maybe they are interested in seeing how far you can take what you have learned from them, or just want to be friends. I am not saying that it never happens because obviously it does. Let us not forget that we are talking about adults here as well, you should be aware of your own feelings and the risk it runs for you and others.