Top Five… Prisons

The presidents daughter needs rescuing from a space prison? Sounds like a job for a wrongly convicted former government agent. Yes, that is the plot of Lockout, released this weekend. Even though Guy Pearce is pretty much guaranteed to score, there are even nicer prisons to stay at.

5. Fiorina ‘Fury’ 161 (Alien 3)

Pros: Located on an exotic remote planet 19.5 light years from Earth, no nagging women allowed, and you’re even allowed bring your pet dog (pending quarantine).Cons: Pest problem, although there’s only one.

4. Devil’s Island (Papillion)

Pros: Situated on a fabulous tropical island of French Guiana, beautiful weather most of the year round, see wild animals or enjoy some relaxing meditation in the therapeutic solitary confinement suite.Cons: Planning permission recently granted for a leper colony nearby. However residents there are happy to share their cigars.

3. Shawshank State Penitentiary (um, the Shawshank Redemption)

Pros: Shoe-shining service, piped music, complimentary book-cooking; rooms come with souvenir chess set and secret entrance for sneaking out those ‘late’ guests. For a small upgrade your entire stay can be constantly and delightfully narrated by the calming tones of Morgan Freeman.Cons: The water slide into the outdoor pool needs cleaning.

2. Alcatraz (The Rock, The Birdman of Alcatraz, Escape from Alcatraz, et al)

Pros: Ease of access, judging by the fact that every third prison film is set there; stunning views of The Golden gate bridge; Woodwork and Papier-mâché classes. Annual swimming competition.Cons: Unruly neighbours have been a problem in the past, such as Al Capone, George ‘Machine Gun’ Kelly, Nicholas Cage, the X-Men, and Mr Tinkles from The Revenge of Kitty Galore.

1. Longmarsh prison (Mean Machine)

Pros: Activity-friendly chain, VERY powerful in-room heating, staff don’t mind you putting on studded boots and kicking lumps out of them. Sister prison featured in Burt Reynold’s 1974 The Longest Yard (well worth a stay).Cons: Sister prison featured in Adam Sandler’s 2005 The Longest Yard (um, maybe check into a motel or something).