Now just hear me out, Chris Hansen. I know you dove through a skylight with the express purpose of uppercutting me into a seat right over there, but before you dangle me from a rope and make me swear to you, ask yourself, who’s the real villain here? Me, some schlub on the Internet who’s simply exposing these girls’ butts this heinous crime, or Kris Jenner who’s built an diabolical media machine that 15-year-old girls are tossed into without even the courtesy of a Zima? Just think about that for a second.

Or rain down fists on my face until I tell all my friends about you. You can do that, too. (Nice right cross.)