Saving the World Sept. 2008

We recently purchased a large-screen plasma T.V.Yes, we received our stimulus check from George W. Bush and rather than pay down credit, we sent it back out into the community just like George wanted us to do.I don’t know if it had any economic effect on the country, but we have done our part to be good Americans.That’s my excuse anyway.

So now we have a plasma T.V.Suddenly we have extra channels because not only do we have 42 inches of plasma screen staring back at us, we have HD TV.I feel smart because I know HD means high definition.Don’t question me any further because that’s the extent of my television knowledge.But I have learned that major channels like NBC, ABC, and CBS have more channels than just their channel number.Now they have their channel number plus several numbers with their channel and a dash, like -1, -2.So channel 5 has 5-1, 5-2, and 5-3.One of these is an all weather channel, which I appreciate if I don’t want to go outside until I know what it’s like out there.There are also channels in the triple digits, which is exciting because we have basic cable and we’ve never had triple digit channels before.I don’t know what they are; I just know we have them.

I don’t really watch the extra channels, except during the news, I like to switch between 5 and 5-1.This is the difference between watching analog or high definition.People have claimed for years television adds ten pounds to a person.I’ve always laughed about that claim and figured someday when I’m rich and famous and appearing on a talk show, I’m going to bring a scale with me, stand in front of the camera and weigh myself to see if it really adds ten pounds.A bit of talk show shtick so people can see how funny I am.But enough about my fantasies.

Now that I’ve seen people on HD, I’m worried about their health.HD does not add ten pounds, HD is reality.Every wrinkle, exact weight, every hair, fake eyelashes.HD hides nothing.I switch between analog and HD trying to decide if reality is better.Analog softens the image like a retouched photo.HD makes you wonder how old news reporters really are.

I watched the summer Olympics on HD and worried about the health of the athletes.I wanted to go to Beijing and feed them.I wanted to give them more water and hydrate them so I didn’t have to see every vein and muscle poking out of their arms.I wanted to cover them in bigger clothes and mist the long distance runners with water so they didn’t sweat so profusely.

If I had known everyone in the world was so unhealthy, I would never have gotten a high definition TV.Analog was really looking at the world through rose colored glasses.Now I just feel the need to save the world; at least from high definition.