You know, I think you can just BUY these at the supermarket.

Select CD. CD seems to be called: “The Best Christmas Album in the World … EVER!”. (Exclamation mark is included.) Feel vague trepidation at the thought of this. Cannot remember where this Christmas album came from. Never mind! Onwards! After brief struggle with the stereo/DVD/MP3 player thing (damn Mr. T and his ongoing obsession with JB HiFi) get CD playing. It is Cliff Richard singing “Mistletoe and Wine”. Hear distant echoing bleat. Realise noise is coming from self, in wailing disbelief. No matter! Onwards! Skip to next song! It is Band Aid, the old (and now so much more bearable by comparison to new) version. Begin to sing lustily.

Find cookbook: Nigella Lawson’s “How to be a Domestic Goddess“. Reflect that since owning the book, house has not become the idyllic home I thought it would. Bah! What good is book! Find recipe … mmm. Looks delicious. Pretty biscuits. Spicy too! Will MAKE!

Turn on oven. Mutter, “come on, you fucker,” to oven, as it is gas and also shit and I suspect is secretly trying to asphyxiate me. Look at recipe briefly – 170 degrees Celsius or Gas Mark 3. My oven only has Fahrenheit measurements, because it was spawned from the sixth ring of hell in 1974, making it LITERALLY older than me. Approximate 170 degrees on dial, then twist dial savagely another 30 degrees, because oven? Is shit.

pinch of saltHoly fuck that was a bit more than a pinch. No matter! Onwards!

1 t baking powderWhere are measuring spoons? Fucking drawer eats everything I put into it. Here they are, under complicated citrus grater thing I have never once used.

1 t mixed ground spiceThis better be the English term for mixed spice, because my only other choice is cumin and that doesn’t seem too Christmassy. Begin shaking mixed spice out of shaker into measuring spoon. Light dusting of mixed spice spreads gently across the kitchen like pleasing aromatic snow, yet none drifts into measuring spoon. Hmmm. Dig side of measuring spoon into plastic top of shaker and pop top off. Top goes flying across kitchen, startles the cat and rolls under the fridge. Liberal doses of mixed spice all over bench. Fuck! Who cares! Onwards! Measure 1 teaspoon and throw into bowl with other dry ingredients. Hmmm. Should I be sifting this? Too late! Onwards!

1 – 2 t freshly ground pepperMmm, spicy biscuits. Look at measuring spoon and then pepper grinder. Realise this will never work. Begin grinding pepper directly into bowl, attempting to match proportions to teaspoon of mixed spice previously added. Arm getting tired from grinding pepper. Bored. This domestic goddess thing is overrated. Will that be enough? … wait, is that too much? Fuck I think it’s too much. Biscuits will kill people. How will I get pepper back out of bowl? Can’t. Fuck it. Onwards!

100g unsalted butterNo problems here. All butter in this house is unsalted. Because I am DOMESTIC GODDESS! Oooh, “Snoopy’s Christmas”! Realise am doing disturbing hip thrusts to the tune of “Snoopy’s Christmas”. Change to strange Egyptian dance. Much better.

100g dark muscovado sugarDark what? Holy FUCK, Nigella, what are you trying to do to me? Obviously I don’t have muscovado sugar, because I’ve never fucking HEARD of it. Must be some English term that Aust/NZ doesn’t use. Fuckers. Let’s see, I have soft brown sugar and raw sugar. Which one? Hmmm. The soft brown sugar, because it looks darker. Excellent. Am baking GENIUS.

2 large eggs, beaten with 4 T runny honeyEggs: fine. Runny honey: find honey jar in pantry. There is a lot less honey than I thought. Like, a small scraping on the bottom. Also, not so much ‘runny’ as ‘crystallised to lump on bottom of jar’. Fuck. Add some hot water and re-melt honey. Add to eggs and beat vigorously. Looks dodgy. Never mind! Onwards!

Method:Combine the flour, salt, baking powder, mixed spice and pepper in the processor. With the motor on, add the butter and sugar, then, slowly, the eggs and honey.DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON. Recipe meltdown in progress. WHY the FUCK don’t I read these things before I start? Because I don’t own a FUCKING FOOD PROCESSOR and now I am FUCKED. Jesus this baking thing is stressful. What to do? Already have all ingredients. Kitchen is already a battlefield. Fuck. Will have to make this shit up on my own. Thanks a FUCKING HEAP, Nigella. Fuck it. Let’s see. Will cream butter and sugar, then add to dry ingredients, then add eggy honey crap. (Fuck, song is Michael Jackson singing “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. Seriously creepy. FUCK OFF Jackson Five. I hope you all … actually, no need to curse you; it’s all turned out pretty bad for you already. Heh.) Right, this looks … not bad. Looks like dough! I rock! I have MAD BAKING SKILLZ! … fuck just energetically stirred vast cloud of flour/spice into my red shirt. Fuck it. Just looks more authentic. Onwards!

Dust a surface with flour, roll out dough to about 5mm and cut out your Christmas decorations.Right, rolling pin. Wait, don’t own rolling pin. Have never owned rolling pin. What to use? Oh yeah, a glass. This one has the Green Lantern on it. Rocking. Now for the cutting. Would you believe, I actually OWN Christmas cutters? There’s a Christmas tree, an angel, a star, a heart, a … what the fuck IS that? It looks like a dog. Is it an ox or something? A donkey? Whatever. I’m totally over this already. Onwards.

Arrange on baking sheets and cook for about 20 minutes.Yeah, not in MY oven. Put baking sheets in oven and sing “Feliz Navidad” (“We wanna wish you a Maori Christmas!”) including Snoopy head-thrown-back dancing. Dogs come running. Wish dogs a Maori Christmas. Dogs sniff interestedly at flour/spice on shirt. Black Dog sneezes tremendously. Go wash hands. Figure it has been approximately 8 minutes. Check biscuits. Yes, as I thought … biscuits on edges are already burning and those in the middle are barely warm. Fucking oven. Shuffle biscuits around by reaching into oven and pushing biscuits around with bare hands. Close oven door and dance to Christmas music some more. Rescue biscuits at about 15 minutes. Success! Have biscuits! IN YOUR FACE, NIGELLA!

2 comments to You know, I think you can just BUY these at the supermarket.

I made pie crust recently, only I realized that I a) didn’t have a food processor/mixer of any kind, so my arms were sore for a freakin’ week, and then b) that I didn’t have a rolling pin.Or even a round glass…only octagonal ones.I used a combo of my hair conditioner bottle (I washed it, don’t freak out) and an empty wine bottle (thank goodness for alcoholism) covered in flour.I did find a chunk of dough under the cap of my conditioner in the the-shower the next day, though.You’re my new hero for attempting that recipe and being successful. What the hell is that sugar, anyway?

Xmas Cookies from hell! hahahahahah – thanx sooo much for the laff! Glad to see I’m not the only goose when it comes to attempting to master simple things in the kitchen. The only problem for me is… I live with a local journalist, so literally a few anonymous stories about some of my cooking ‘mis-adventures’ end up in the local paper! Argh! lolCyalaytaMal :o)

"Make a remark," said the Red Queen: "Its ridiculous to leave all conversation to the pudding!"