Penn Satire, Since 1899

In Effort to Become Top-Tier, Fraternity Purchases College Hall for New Chapter House

Coming at you from guest columnist, Jeffrey Silver, in honor of this week’s rush events.

After seeing their fraternity’s lackluster ratings on GreekRank.Com, members of Pi Rho Kappa, also known as PRK’s or Pricks, have purchased College Hall with the intention of establishing the green building as their new chapter house.

Designed by Thomas Webb Richards, the building has been an iconic monument for the University of Pennsylvania since 1872. The building is home to the undergraduate admissions office, the office of university president Amy Gutmann, as well as various lecture halls and classrooms.

At the first ever “passing of the keys” ceremony, the stylish Gutmann addressed the crowd of current and past Pricks. “I’m so excited to see the wonderful things that these young men do with College Hall. They really had our University in mind when they decided to match their first year of payments and donate to the Making History: Give to Penn campaign. Now is their Time to Shine!”

Henry Willingsworth, president of Pi Rho Kappa, was eager to comment on the acquisition. “We’re really looking to reinvent PRK – my fellow Pricks and I are eager to do whatever is necessary to make this the most extravagant chapter house on campus.”

It has been confirmed that the PRK members have hired a diverse team of interior decorators, with members coming from New York, Sweden, and the Balkans. Fraternity treasurer Declan Ford McMahon IV is in charge of the redecorating process, but was unable to comment due to the arrival of a shipment of new chandeliers from Geneva. However, it has been confirmed that the Pricks are intent on transforming the undergraduate admissions office into a gallery of the fraternity’s oil paintings.