You see the chavs unveiling torsos
Which fashion hair that always grows
The shorts his distant cousin wears
Showing us sights that only scare
The ice cream man appears once more
Serving melting ice cream through his door
You hear the neighbours having a Barbie
An hour or two later they sound rather barmy
The neighbourhood drunk stumbles as usual
And vain young girls become rather delusion...

Got fired from my call centre job for failing the exam. Took it while doing the night shift. First I've ever done graveyard. Can't say I like it. In fact, I bloody hate night work. Unless it's in a goth club, drinking beer or grinding.

Gonna get a new job. Jimmy Boom Semtex needs beer and tattoo cash. Give him a job and let him learn. Short term memory aside, he'll do his best. Make you laug...

I wrote this for my now fiance not long after we first started seeing each other after her love for cats (and her tongue in cheek insistance she was one) inspired me to start writing again, after maybe 5 years of not picking up a pen. I recently proposed to her through a series of short poems taking us on a treasure hunt around Edinburgh looking for J K Rowling inspired landmarks, but that's anot...

I cannot shed
My winters coat
At 22 degrees below
I'm still farming.....
Nearly starved last year
I know it's quite alarming.....
But mothers says
There aint enough
To get us through
The winters tough
With the horses I plow away....
Into the night from start of day....
We finally got
Our winters store
With that the horse
We plow no more
That's Winter farming....
I know it's k...

sort your napper out peter said,
with a name like yours that is sure to spread,
mycock sure knows what to do,
when he follows a bet all the way through.
We going to the dogs? he always asks,
but listening to mycock is just one of the tasks.

With his skinny torso and milk bottle legs,
he's got a secret little way of beating those eggs,
His big slug lips and tuna pasta bake,
yet all ...

There was a woman named Jane,
Who never liked to see it rain.
So she listened to the song umbrella,
So she could dance with a nice fit fella.
All work and no play is grim,
So she goes to turkey for a little swim.

Off she goes for all inclusive,
Whilst she looks at all the exclusives.
Keep the drinks coming, it’s all paid for,
Whilst Jane settles down on the sea shore.
Cheers cock she l...

I'm going to tell you a story, which was genuinely one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I'd always been quite cynical about the idea of ghosts and demons and spiritualism, but this moment changed that for me and made me realise that actually, we are NOT alone in this world. Please, I know and understand the cynicism of most on this topic, but I can assure you that I have not invented any...

ABSENT MINDED MOUSE
I once saw a mouse,
Upon a dolls house,
A sniffing and twitching his nose.
I asked how he was,
And he looked right across,
And said, "Not too bad, I suppose".
I asked, "Are you waiting,
For someone or thing?".
He sighed, "No, I'm lost,
And it's a fine ding-a-ling!".
Said I, "Can I help or show you the way.
Where were you headed or going today?".
He sa...

A ​Mouses TaleBut it's not my fault, cried the mouse in dismay.
I knew where I was going, though it was far, far away.
Sat at the foot of my bed, with his hands beneath his head,
He tried, through his tears, to relate what is here...
I set out early this morn, after nibbling on some corn,
For my breakfast, on the cob is best.
I was planning to go to "The Great Mouse Show".
A long...