After Pippa Middleton’s upstaging Alexander McQueen-clad arse diverted a few billion eyes during the Royal Wedding back in May, fevered speculation ensued about the direction it would take next. Would it assume its rightful place on Royal Mail stamps to be licked by the nation? Would it get bumjazzled on TOWIE? Would the booty be deployed to uncover the illicit practices of the tabloid press?

Sadly, apart sightings of it arseing around at Wimbledon recently, her shapely caboose has yet to take the central role in Britain’s cultural life that seemed to be its natural destiny. The controversial decision of Tatler magazine to put Pip’s face on the cover of their August issue instead, only serves to emphasise its retreat up its own arse.

Reports now reach Sabotage Times headquarters that Pippa dragged her sorry arse into the Taschen bookshop off the Kings Road on Wednesday. Apparently, Pip was looking for a fun present for a friend among Taschen’s range of large-format illustrated books which embrace subjects such as art, design, fashion, film, music and erotica.

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Unfortunately, it assumed iconic status too late to take its place in this rump-fest alongside those of Pamela Anderson, Serena Williams and co. So the lucky recipient of Pip’s gift will be denied that pleasure. What a bunch of arse.

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Soon, Pip’s gaze allegedly alighted on Taschen’s famous ‘Big Book’ series. She apparently demurred at the chance to view The Big Penis Book 3D. The sales assistant’s advice that a frankly filthy-sounding new book in the oeuvre was coming soon, The Big Book of Pussy, was met with giggles and an embarassed clench of those famous buttocks (well, probably… use your imagination… you are, aren’t you). And as for The Big Book of Legs, that just wouldn’t do.

There was only one book that could possibly satisfy. Yes, Pip sashayed out of the shop with The Big Butt Book of course — a 372-page posteriorpedia, with over 400 photos, featuring, as the marketing spiel has it, ‘a cornucopia of delectable derrieres … from the taut to large and sumptuous’.

While Pip’s firm-but-fair arse sits comfortably in the former category, unfortunately, it assumed iconic status too late to take its place in this rump-fest alongside those of Pamela Anderson, Serena Williams and co. So the lucky recipient of Pip’s gift will be denied that pleasure. What a bunch of arse.