A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Monday, January 9, 2012

And we're back. Nice comments last week (and tonight – if I knew how to do real-time blogging, I would. That would be fun). Keep 'em coming!

A friend of mine said last week that Bachelor Ben looks like he has bottled-up rage and that it will most like rear its ugly head sometime this season. I just can't believe it. Does anyone else see that in him? The closest we've seen of it was when he got jilted at the final rose ceremony last season. He got understandably angry but handled himself thoughtfully and with dignity. But it sure would be fun to see him unload at some point.

The only hint of detachment from reality was when he said, in explaining what brought him back to the show, "it worked for me once." Did I miss that? Was that season unaired? I distinctly recall it quite clearly not working for him once.

Also this week, my wife entered in her first ever office Bachelor pool. She had her choice of 18 women to choose from and she chose... Jenna the Unstable Blogger! Thanks for coming out. There's two bucks down the drain. What was she thinking? I thought she read this blog. Jenna had about as much chance of winning as Jake and Vienna have of getting back together.

Tonight's episode didn't thrill me. Or maybe it was just Sonoma that put me to sleep. Ben brought all the girls to his hometown right off the bat, although he didn't introduce any of them to his family. I don't know how that's even possible since I'm sure we saw the entire population of Sonoma in this episode.

Kacie the Kutie got the first date of the season. It's always tough this early in the proceedings to know who's who, save for the crazies (which may be why some people opt to go for a larger than life persona). I'm constantly referring to last week's notes to jog my memory, and also compare it to how I thought of them last week. Looking over my chicken scratch, I see I gave Kacie a check mark. Good news for Kacie: she kept it this week despite revealing herself to be a master baton twirler. At least she seemed to have a good sense of humour about it.

The lowlight of the date – and the show – was when Ben and Kacie sat in the empty town cinema and watched home movies. I mean, it's always cute to see adults as kids but I'm a little sick of the maudlin death stuff every season. I watch this reality show to escape from reality, not to be constantly reminded of our mortality. And it also depressed me no end to find out Kacie was three years old in 19-freakin'-89. That's not right.

Next up was the group date with twelve gals. Ben arranged for them to audition for a bunch of kids who had written a fairy tale. And then the group performed the play in full costume at the Sonoma Community Theatre [sic] in front of a packed house. Between this night and the previous stroll around the town, all I could think was Sonoma sure is a happening place.

Pouring over my notes from last week, I see that Jennifer went from an X to a check mark in my book. Nicki kept the highly coveted check mark. Well done, girls.

At the after party, it was Blakely's time to shine. I dubbed her Flakely in my notes before someone else did, fyi. But in retrospect, I don't know how fake she is. She seems to be presenting herself the same to the other girls, to us, and to Ben: an overly aggressive cougar with an inner forearm tattoo to rival the crazy Kasey, aka King Ding-a-Ling.

I thought Blakely was too aggro for the passive Ben but I guess he goes for that. He surprised us all when he gave her the group date rose. Hey, why not? I can totally see them live happily ever after, can't you? Blakely could get a job as a VIP cocktail waitress at the local Sonoma diner.

Jennifer lost some points when she cried about not getting the rose but she still gets to keep the check mark for now. But she's on probation.

The next one-on-one date went to Courtney, the model. She turned off the crazy and looked and acted somewhat normal. But something was not quite right. She never really said anything of substance but she sounded like she did. It was weird. Ben would ask her a question and she'd start to answer then change the subject and it sounded like she answered but she didn't. And when they kissed, it seemed hot and heavy, but she managed to keep her distance by keeping those lips pretty close together. I hate to say it, but I think she might not be there for the right reasons! Hey, someone had to say it first.

What is it with nice guys on this show that they go for the crazy beauties? I get it, actually. In real life, Ben would never get a sniff of a model or be anywhere near a VIP cocktail waitress so it's thrilling for him. They are bucket list roses. But poor, sweet Ben really thinks Courtney could be the one. "She's the whole package: smart, pretty, drop-dead gorgeous, psychotic." Okay, maybe he didn't say it quite that way.

Courtney proved that not all models are bad actresses. When Ben asked how she could possibly be single, she played the old "I guess I'm just picky" card. Wow, nice save, Courtney! She also had the line of the night when she said, "I'm just doing me for a while." While probably no pun was intended, one was certainly taken.

While walking through the forest, Courtney the Model looked like maybe her specialty is as a hand model. Or it could be the boots that made her legs look like giant redwood trunks amongst the giant redwood trees.

And as soon as the producers got Courtney in front of the interview camera, she popped a crazy pill and revealed her nut-job side.

At the final cocktail party, Lindzi wooed Ben by telling him she drives a truck and usually wears dirt for make-up. Then Jenna tried to one-up her by stammering, "I'm a guy... I'm not like a girl." In her defense, she's a writer; not an orator. Give her time and a thesaurus and I'm sure she'd come up with something better. But it sure is comical watching her beat herself up over her miscues. Again, I'm almost positive alcohol played a role here but still, are you going to want to choose a woman who gets all verklempt every time she has a drink? Probably not, which is why no one in their right mind would choose her in a Bachelor pool. Right, hon?

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew had pretty much enough of Blakely, driving the 34-year-old cocktease waitress into hiding. She found a corner and hid behind some luggage. At first I thought she was crying but when Ben found her, her face wasn't streaked, her eyes weren't red. No sign of tears at all. She was just crouched behind a suitcase. Makes me wonder what she was really doing. Then on his way back to the party, Ben heard the sobbings of Jenna, who was under the covers in bed. He led her back down to the rose ceremony where he ceremoniously dumped her. Good-bye toonie.

With Kacie, Blakely and Courtney already rosed up, there were 13 more to hand out. Does it usually go this slowly? They only eliminated two this week. Advancing were Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jacklyn, Erica, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Casey, Samantha, Monica, Jamie and Brittney, about half of whom got zero face time this week so they were almost total strangers to me. Jenna, as mentioned, got the boot, as did someone named Shawn, I think.

As Jenna walked away, my first thought was that it was good for her career to be off this sinking ship as soon as possible. The less damage the better. She should have walked out without saying a word, but she couldn't help herself. Holding onto her boobs (maybe they were tender, which might explain the emotions), she blubbered. But tears were not enough. She also said, "I'm in shock. I came here looking for love, I did. Ugh. I feel sick. These girls distracted him. These girls are good, I know. I just can't believe... Oh my gosh. Are you kidding me? (then quietly and seriously) No, really, are you kidding me? I can't believe this is happening. I'm mortified. I think I deserve love. I have always been trying to find it. [incoherent] pretend this never happened; it was a mistake."

I always feel for the emotionally unstable ones. It's got to be tough going back to reality with all your friends and family, not to mention strangers on the street, worried for your mental health. I wish nothing but the best for her. In fact, how about we start a campaign: Jenna for Bachelorette!

Next week they're going from Sonoma to San Francisco. The producers are pulling out all the stops! What's next, Sacramento?