. . . And Nuke’s Eyelids Are Clogged

Well, it’s been a rough and crazyÂ few months. Since February, I’ve been working harder at my day job than I ever have, I endured some personal tragedies and dealt with the attendant grief, I once again helpedÂ out at Houston’s Fourth of July festival, and just last week, I stood up as one of my best buds got married, while at the same time another one of my buds was getting married in Las Vegas. Lately, I’ve barely had time to stop and smell the whiskey.

But thingsÂ seem toÂ be settling down for me a bit, which means I have more time to do the things I’ve had to put on the back burner, like reading, sleeping, playing volleyball, catching a wave or two, andÂ playing with you allÂ on Skepchick. Why, I even had a chance to catch a baseball game the other day, and I found something to share with you all. Read about it after the fold.

Now, I’m not a huge baseball fan, and I’d rather have my lips removed than watch it on TV, but there’s something supremely enjoyable about sitting in the sunshine, cutting upÂ with your friends, noshing on a hot dog, and sipping on aÂ cold beer. That’s why I go to the games. IÂ usually don’tÂ even remember the score or which team won.

But at the game the other day, I noticed some of the players wearing what appeared to be small hula hoops around their necks. I was curious, becauseÂ I oftenÂ wear a little earthy bling myself. But my blingÂ usuallyÂ comes in the formÂ of a leather choker with a small pendant attached, or something else similarly understated. These ball players had freakingÂ equipment from the carnivalÂ Ring Toss game around their necks.

So I askedÂ the avid baseball fan in our groupÂ what was going on with the unusual necklaces, and he told me they were something called Phiten necklaces. He said a lot of ball players wear them because they supposedly regulate the body’s energy flow,Â reducing fatigueÂ and thereby maximizing performance.

Well, as you can imagine, my bullshit detector started squawking like a penguin being murdered, and when I got home, I Googled like a sumbitch. Terms like “energy flow” are prominent in New Age vernacular, and I just knew I was going to discover the necklaces are made to align chakras and center ch’is, and that they smell like Chinese rainÂ when you burn them. And I wasn’t too far off.

Well, according to the website, the manufacturers haveÂ applied something called the Phild Process to create the Phiten technology that is present in the necklaces, wristbands, power sleeves, and bracelets they sell. Now, I could find no other mention of the Phild Process in relation to anything other than the Phiten product line, but apparently, the processÂ involves dissolving titanium in water, which can then be added to the materials used to make the Phiten accessories. Says the website:

In nature, titanium is not a soluble material. However, by utilizing the high-intensity Phild Process, Phiten scientists are able to dissolve titanium in water. This creates Aqua-Titanium, which then can be absorbed into material just like a dye. The Aqua-Titanium becomes part of the fabric and can not be washed out or fade away. Aqua-Titanium most prominently used in our necklaces and apparel, where the entire fabric is permeated with Aqua-Titanium and emits energy that effectively controls your bio-electric current.

So Phiten scientists dissolve titanium in water, which is absorbed into material made into necklaces and other apparel that then emit energyÂ and have the power toÂ regulate the body’sÂ bio-electric currentÂ “by stabilizing ions”. This apparently permits a greater flow of energy with less waste. Fatigue sets in later and recovery time is shortened. And all of this magic happens by wearingÂ some of theirÂ jewelry on the outside of the bodyÂ in the neck, arm, or wrist areas.

They don’t say why it works in the neck, arm, or wrist areas. Or if it will work if you wore the noose around your waist or if you stuffed it up your ass.

ButÂ perhaps, just perhaps, it doesn’t work at all.

Um . . . Yeah, it’s a load of crap, and I’m going to go with “it doesn’t work at all”.

Now, I found out that thisÂ particular sports voodoo isn’t new. There are mentions on the Internet of Major League ball players wearing Phiten gear as early asÂ the 2008Â season and possibly even in 2007. And it looks as thoughÂ some athletes elsewhere are on the bandwagon as well.

But the ball game I attended recently was the first time I had seen it. And my curiosityÂ led me to discover the nonsense Phiten is selling.

Of course, professional athletes these days have no problem paying the $20-$80 for the accessories (if they are paying for them at all), but this bit of bunkum could cost the average Joe some hard-earnedÂ cash for an ugly horse collar that does absolutely nothing.

So titanium dissolved in water is nuclear fuel for the human body? If their special titanium can now dissolve in water, wouldn’t the jewelry fall apart when it gets wet?
This is what happens when you skim through your education because you’re the star of the high school team. I am this close: >< to saying, "Screw the stupid." and funding my retirement with exploitive products.

Professional athletes are, almost by definition, specialists. That is, they’ve devote pretty much 100% of their critical thinking into analyzing other professional athletes.

They are also constantly searching for any edge at all over other specialists who are doing the same thing.

This has two results. First, athletes are easy to sell bullshit too, and second, if one guy wears one of these things and has subsequent success, everyone will do it. Until they stop having success, and then they’ll do something else.

Kind of like hedge fund managers, except that athletes have some clue how the games they play work.

True. And baseball players are notoriously superstitious. Tales of guys not changing their socks or jock strap when they are hitting well. And no first baseman in the Majors will enter the dugout at the end of an inning without a ball in his glove.