Thursday, April 21, 2011

FALLING IN LOVE

.Falling in love is quite often, painful.

Having "a crush," being "swept off your feet," feeling lovelorn or heartbroken -- many of the words about falling in love imply hurt.

According to the "Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences," the brain doesn't know the difference between physical pain and emotional pain. During MRI studies of 40 volunteers, (people who were recently or suddenly rejected by their partners), researchers noted that brain circuits lit up as if they'd been probed with a heat sensor (like a hot cup of coffee). Though studies have not been made of emotional sources like grief, clearly. when the volunteers looked at photos of their partners, they felt what you feel when you stub a toe or burn a finger.

Would taking an aspirin help? No -- medication won't stop you from picturing your partner, or remembering something wonderful or terrible. Time passing is the healer. Yes -- love pain is not just in your head.

Francesco Alberoni, an Italian Sociologist, journalist, and Professor in Sociology, has studied falling in love. In his published writing, he said that people fall in love when they are ready to change, or to start a new life. "Falling in love is not a regression, it a relaunching of oneself toward a new future, and change, attached to the formation of a romantic partnership."

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, studying 500 people, in 1977 published her book, "The Experience of Being in Love." She coined the word "limerence." Tennov describes limerence as "the ultimate, near-obsessive form of romantic love that is often interpreted as infatuation, or is colloquially known as a state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love, even to the point of addictive-type behavior."

Tennov writes that a "limerent" is inspired by an intense passion or admiration for someone, often dismissed by "non-limerents" as ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic fiction."

Does defining falling in love help when you're falling in love, waiting for a phone call? Once we've experienced it, even after obsessiveness has blended into your daily feelings, and you are no longer lovelorn, heartbroken or 'out of whack' with it -- love is ...

1: They say our love won't pay the rent.2: Before it's earned, our money's all been spent.1: I guess that's so, we don't have a pot.2: At least I'm sure of all the things we got.

BOTH: I got you babe, I got you babe.

2: I got flowers in the spring.1: I got you to wear my ring.2:And when I'm sad, you're a clown.1: And if I get scared, you're always around.

BOTH: I got you babe, I got you babe.

1: Don't let them say your hair's too long2: 'Cause I don't care, with you I can't go wrong.1: Then put your little hand in mine2: There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb

BOTH I got you babe. I got you babe.

2: I got you to hold my hand.1: I got you to understand.2: I got you to walk with me.1: I got you to talk with me.I got you to kiss goodnight.I got you to hold me tight.I got you, I won't let go.I got you to love me so --I got you babe, got you babe, I got you babe, I got you babe, I got you babe.

Enjoy the memory of when you felt like that, and if you haven't, hope that someday you will.

This is wonderful Emily! I think my most painful rejection was probably not a rejection at all. I just perceived it that way at that time. I didn't know how to demand what I needed early on in the relationship. I was the "good girl." If I felt the way I did then today - I may have been able to turn it around and we'd still be together. I was the one who left, but only after i "felt" totally rejected for several years. I now realize he didn't know any other way to be and he may have loved me. I think any feeling of rejection is how we are with ourselves and the thoughts we take on. Today, if someone "rejected" me, I wouldn't feel it the same way. (Well,.. not for more than a day or two.)

HOW I GOT HERE

I started out as a modern dancer, contemporary, but balletic. I didn't want to be a swan, or a barefoot dancer. I wanted to dance to the music that thrilled me as a child, and made me want to be a dancer.

I began writing in the truck my first husband, Mark Ryder and I bought, in order to carry our set, props, and costumes for a long one-night-stands tour -- eighty-eighty performances in eighty-eight cities.

We were performing "Romeo and Juliet" nightly, but our marriage was breaking up. Every day while our stage manager drove us two-hundred miles or so to the next booking, I'd type a detailed description of last night -- what we did well, what we argued about, and a travelogue about the town, and comments from the people at the nightly party.

Recovering from the trip and the divorce, I sent my "car book" to a friend who said -- "Em, it's great,but ..." And that became rewrites, and another book. Then, my marriage to actor John Cullum, and then a play that got produced, and another book, big hopes because a famous agent loved it.The title and concept changed five times -- now it's been published, finally, as "Somebody, Woman of the Century." You can buy it, or read about it and my other five novels on Emily Frankel.com