MAN ONE stands outside, smoking a cigarette to relieve his stress. He is joined by MAN TWO. They nod to each other politely. They stand and stew for a moment.

ONE

Those bastards.

TWO

I know, I know.

ONE

Those backstabbing bastards.

TWO

Im with you.

ONE

You cant trust em.

TWO

You said it.

ONE

Theyre just not . . . trustworthy.

TWO

Not one bit.

ONE

Its a cultural thing, I think, its just not genetically possible for them to be trusted, theres just something . . .

TWO

Something somewhere, in their wiring, something in their . . .

ONE

DNA, its in their fucking DNA . . .

TWO

Thats right, in the DNA, something thats programmed to be . . .

ONE

Untrustworthy.

TWO

Untrustworthy, Yeah. Yeah. Im with you. Yeah.

ONE

Those bastards. After all weve done for them.

TWO

Those bastards.

ONE

And theres no talking to them!

TWO

No communication!

ONE

You try and be reasonable, you state your case with logic and intellect and fucking . . . fucking . . .

TWO

Reasonableness!

ONE

Reasonableness! And what do they do? Drop their pants, turn around and immediately start talking out of their ass!

TWO

I know, I know. Its shameful. Nothing but Ass-talk. Its a Goddamn shame. Its like they think every day is their birthday or something.

ONE

Those bastards.

TWO

Those fucking bastards.

ONE

Where would they be without us, anyway?

TWO

Nowhere, thats where!

ONE

Between you and me . . .

TWO

Yeah?

ONE

Just between you and I. I sometimes think that the best thing to do in the name of world diplomacy . . .

TWO

Yeah, yeah?

ONE

Best thing to do, and I wouldnt say this to anyone else on the council but you . . .

TWO

I hear you, same from me to you, big guy . . .

ONE

And this is just my opinion, but I sometimes think that the best thing to do with those people, would be to just simply drop a big fucking nuclear warhead right in the Goddamn center of them. I mean, Im all about peace, I want the peace just as much as anyone, but sometimes, sometimes you

just wanna go, okay, youre going to be that way? BOOM! Take that you ungrateful fuckers, BANG! WHOOSH! All gone.

TWO

Between you and me . . .

ONE

Yeah?

TWO

I feel the exact same way.

ONE

Im telling you . . .

TWO

Thats not our official policy, mind you . . .

ONE

Ours neither, of course.

TWO

Our OFFICIAL policy is to TRY and be diplomatic with the stubborn fuckers. TRY TO, anyway.

ONE

Same with us, same with us.

TWO

Because they bring SOME assets to the table.

ONE

A few, a few, thats true, they do.

TWO

But there are days, Im telling you, there are days . . .

ONE

I hear ya . . .

TWO

There are days when I dream of us, our people, doing just that same exact thing to those greedy fuckers. Just go, is that what you have to say? Okay! Bang! Whoosh! Boom!

ONE

BOOM!

TWO

Bang! All gone!

ONE

All gone! Those bastards.

TWO

Those fucking bastards.

ONE

All weve done for them and this is how they treat us?

TWO

Its a disgrace, howre theyre behaving, seriously. This is a problem, this is a big serious fucking problem.

ONE

You know what I think? Fuck those guys. You know? Just fuck em!

TWO

Fuck em! Fuck those assholes and their Ass-Talk, fuck em!

ONE

Fuck those fucking bastards. Just what do they offer the world in terms of culture, anyway?

TWO

Shit. Not much.

ONE

Try nothing! Nothing! They make a few decent movies . . .

TWO

That they do, its true . . .

ONE

But we always remake them for ourselves anyway . . .

TWO

We do too!

ONE

Other than some cool movie ideas and an okay film festival, they do nothing!

TWO

Fucking nothing!

ONE

Their cuisine is pretty good, too. But other than their food and movies, there is NOTHING that they have to offer to the world, nothing. Those bastards.

TWO

Thats right, those bastards. Wait a minute. You said food?

ONE

Sure, the food is good.

TWO

Are you serious? Their . . . cuisine?

ONE

Come on, admit it, their food is pretty good, they got good restaurants. I always eat like a pig when Im over there.

TWO

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who are we talking about again?

ONE

Who are we talking about? Who do you think were talking about?

TWO

Arent we talking about the Americans?

ONE

What? Are you fucking crazy? Were talking about the Goddamn FRENCH, why would you think that we were . . .

Short pause as they look at each other.

TWO

Youre from America, arent you?

ONE

And youre with the French team, arent you?

TWO

Mais Oui.

ONE

Well. At least were PRETTY MUCH on the same page, save one or two wrinkles.

TWO

Right, right. We should probably . . .

ONE

Get back to the table, get on with the diplomatic talks . . .

TWO

Got a lot of work to do . . .

ONE

You said it, you said it.

The two men walk in opposite directions, stop and look at each other from the opposite sides of the stage.

ONE TWO

Bastards. Bastards.

Blackout

"Diplomacy"
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