Help for ending an affair, healing, and other notes from my personal wreckage

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More affair-related search terms people used to find my blog

As my hits on the blog steadily grow (yesterday was the biggest day yet, and the day before was the second biggest day), I grow fascinated by the search terms people have used to find my blog. Some of them are just curiosity statements. Others, to me, suggest questions. I blogged on this last week. But I’ve seen more.

“unrepentent even arogant cheating husband” – If he has not shown remorse for what he has done, and has attempted to make amends, then you stand no chance of real reconciliation. It’s just like a betrayed spouse who refuses to forgive — you’re wasting each others’ time. Time to pull the plug, I’m afraid.

“shaming the wayward spouse” – See above. If shaming your Wayward Spouse is your agenda, unless they have no other options, they will probably end up leaving you. Shaming them will not make them feel like reconciliation is a good idea with you. Instead, it will breed resentment, and resentment is a cancer on marriage, let alone reconciliation after an affair, which is hard all on its own. You must decided whether forgiveness and reconciliation is your agenda, or whether justice and punishment are. You can’t pursue both and expect good results. Forgiveness takes strength, maturity and character. Not everyone has these. And it is based on a remorseful Wayward Spouse, willing to make amends, and to make changes in their behavior to make their spouse feel safe again. If these factors aren’t present, you’re doomed. Save yourself time and leave now.

“why do husbands go back and forth between the wife and the affair partner” – Well, it’s not gender-specific. Cheating married women sometimes do it too. But why? Because the cheating spouse is not entirely sure what he or she wants, even after D-Day. They may be on the fence. Whatever environment or factors in place in your marriage that made an affair an attractive option are likely still present. And while his affair is now known by you, he’s not sure whether he really wants to reconcile with you. He’s not sure that his affair partner isn’t really the person he wants to be with. So he’s bouncing between the two options. Your job? Set a boundary. A marriage has NO chance of reconciliation unless he is completely out of contact with his affair partner. You need to set that as a precursor. If he won’t do that, then it’s time to pull the plug. People fresh out of an affair often struggle with these questions. Should I stay and face my enraged spouse? Should I even bother? Should I be with my affair partner? With neither of them? Things are often confusing and stressful after affair discovery. You are in hell and clear thinking is hard to sometimes hold on to. If I were you, I wouldn’t tolerate your husband’s approach. It would be a deal-breaker to me.

“why are some men so ashamed after an affair” – Most men (and women) are ashamed after their affair, not just some. If someone isn’t ashamed after their affair – the massive betrayal of a spouse that it constitutes — it indicates probably a sociopathic/narcissistic personality in the extreme or an acknowledgment that their marriage, in their mind, is a complete dead-end and mistake. I have seen few people who aren’t ashamed. Curiously, most of them were women cheaters, who in their mind, often feel completely justified in their actions. So much for stereotypes…

“is no contact the only way to end an affair” – Unfortunately, yes. It’s the only way. As long as you keep in contact, you keep the door open, even if just a crack. And keeping in contact does not show respect for your spouse, if you are promising to give it your all to fix your marriage. Sorry, but you can’t be friends with your ex-lover — it’s still an affair, just an emotional one kept on life support.

“why are you blaming the other man” – I blogged on this. Because it’s easier to blame the OM or OW for your spouse’s affair. Why? Because it gets them off the hook. They don’t have to look in the mirror and ask to what extent they contributed to a marriage where their spouse found cheating to be an attractive option. And this attitude allows them to let their cheating spouse off the hook, somewhat. The other person “made” them do it because they are weak, naive, but otherwise good. It’s a common tactic, but I think it misses the point entirely. The OM or OW is certainly hardly an innocent party in this, and you have a right to be angry at this person, but they didn’t cause your spouse to cheat. Your spouse chose to cheat. Sorry, but it’s true. To think otherwise is to think your spouse is a dimwitted, weak fool and a rube. And this is who you are married to?

“can i get a restraining order on my wifes affair partner” – You can, but the person has to be meeting the definition of “stalking” in your State or country. And you have to have concrete evidence of stalking, harassment, libel, and attention unwanted by your wife. Otherwise, you won’t get it.

“my affair partner is broke” – And? Is this why you started an affair? For money? That’s very selfish and sad. Does he know that this is why you are in it?

“is there a correlation between non- committal men and cheating” – Well if he’s non-committal, then how can he technically be “cheating”? But in a larger sense, there is no correlation between anything and cheating, except this one: People cheat largely due to huge, critical emotional voids in their primary relationships. Women now cheat at almost the same rate as men, and largely for the same reasons.

“Telling spouse I had an affair” – Frankly, it depends. I know there are people out there who believe in full disclosure, even if the affair is long, long dead. I have an opinion on it here.

8 thoughts on “More affair-related search terms people used to find my blog”

“I have seen few people who aren’t ashamed. Curiously, most of them were women cheaters, who in their mind, often feel completely justified in their actions. an acknowledgment that their marriage, in their mind, is a complete dead-end and mistake”
this is the major difference for me. i stayed for 22 years, faithful, endured more than I can write about, had a celibate marriage, lost career and family…and i never cheated until a situation occurred that clearly defined the actual emotional ending of our marriage. It is why I am not ashamed and have no guilt what so ever. To be honest? I feel my spouse should be the one feeling those emotions.

I’m another woman who feels no remorse over the affair, toward my husband. Whether I continue, or end the affair, I do not feel bad about it. I have read that women who cheat, tend to do so because they “know” that the marriage is over. This is not to say that this isn’t the case for other women, but for me, I knew I was done. Doesn’t make it right, but I don’t feel guilty and never have. And even if he found out, all it would do is speed up the divorce really. I don’t mean to sound cold, b/c I am not, and never in a million years would I have thought I’d do this or not feel bad about it toward him. BUT….I think my wall is so high from all of the years of EA, that I just cannot feel anything for him anymore. Sad, but true. (I should add that this being said….I would never DELIBERATELY try to hurt the husband by telling him, even after we are divorced. Just saying that I don’t feel any remorse over having gone outside my marriage.)

My wife and I did not have a happy marriage when I began my affair. I felt terribly unfulfilled and, more than that, taken advantage of in my marriage. As a man, I felt like I had communicated it clearly to my wife and that she had simply chosen not to respond to my concerns. I convinced myself that I felt dared and/or abandoned.

But that wasn’t the reality of what was going on. I feel like women seem more likely not to push beyond the initial resentment that unhappiness with a spouse can bring. I’m not entirely sure why. It just feels true.

The reality of how I was treated, the emotional abuse that I suffered, was that I was %50 percent responsible for allowing it to carry on and not taking mature, adult steps to end the relationship or fix it.

The reality of my affair is that I am %100 percent responsible for choosing to behave in an immoral and inexcusable manner. I compromised my marriage. My wife. And, even though at the time I did not entirely understand it – I compromised myself in a big way. The responsibility is yours and, with it, comes the opportunity to acknowledge what it was in you that didn’t take the opportunity to leave the marriage or handle your unhappiness in a constructive way – and then change it.

So I guess my question is this. My wife told me about the affair a month ago. She stated that she loves the guy and has a lot of resentment towards me for the years of not showing the love she needed. I am committed but she doesn’t want to lose the OG. I am now meeting the needs that she wants, but she keeps pining over the OG eventhough it seems as if he doesn’t really want a relationship and has even told her several times to work it out. He is seperated by the way. We have three months to see if we can recapture the flame. Am I silly for thinking she still must love me. We have been married for 15 years and the affair lasted for 1 month, at work. Any advice?

Advice? what in particular? It’s hard to say. You don’t say much or give much information. Not enough for me to comment anyway. What do you mean she is pining over him?

Is she still in any contact with the OM? At all. If she was serious about saving your marriage, they can’t work together. She should find another job. If she refuses, I’m sorry, friend, but you stand no chance. of marital reconciliation. they still have lots of contact then.

And is she showing true remorse? If she’s not sorry for the affair, is trying to make real amends to you, and has changed her behavior so that you feel safe again to trust her, then you two have no chance. Its complicated but I think it boils down to those basic principles: 1. No contact – of any kind. 2. Shows real remorse. 3. makes amends. 4. Lives a more honest and authentic life. 5. Shows you that she’s willing to change and is committed to fixing the marriage above all.

If those 5 things aren’t in place, you’re done. I would insist upon those things. If she refuses, frankly, I would throw her out.