Tag Archives: Yogahaven

“Never get tired of doing little things for others. Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts” -Anon

I’ve been AWOL on the blogging front over the past four weeks.

There’s been a fair bit of ‘life stuff’ going on, and it all seemed to culminate just at the point where I was gearing up for YTT final assessments. I had all my plans for how and when I was going to practise, teach, study, extra classes I would go to… I had even drawn up a schedule. I was so proud of myself for being sooo organised and so on top of things and then… life happened.

My mother likes to say (a lot), “Man plans and God alters”.

When it comes to life we often like to think we are ‘in charge’ but really we’re not. It is up to us to take responsibility for our actions, yes, but where we are in charge is in terms of how we respond when those things we really had not anticipated happen. Especially those things that blindside us. Those things that seem so unfair. Those things that go against the natural order and don’t seem to make any sense.

I’ve noticed recently that so many of the people around me have been going through tough times. And not in a ‘having a bit of difficult time with that arsehole at work’ way but in gut-wrenchingly sad, big life-event ways.

It’s reminded me that even when we have challenging things happening in our lives, so do other people. It’s reminded me of the importance of trying to be kind. You never really know what someone else you encounter might be dealing with. There have been so many times in the past few weeks where people have extended what may, to them, have seemed the smallest of gestures, but those acts of kindness have meant so very much to me in those moments.

In the run up to final YTT assessments, my experiences and those of my friends and others around me made me reflect even more on why I want to teach. People come to yoga for so many different reasons. Whether it’s for a workout or to de-stress it all comes back to wanting to feel better in some way. I have been so anxious about final assessments and beginning to teach for real. I’ve worried about finding my voice and not looking the part, but I worked out that the ultimate reason for my anxiousness is neither of those things. It’s because I see it as such a responsibility. I know how much yoga has helped and continues to help me and I want to be able to facilitate that for other people in some way.

Well, despite things not going according to (my) plan, I did my best and…. I passed! My fellow trainees and I graduated from YTT. I feel so lucky that I got to do this course with this group of people and our wonderful tutors. It was sad saying goodbye at the end of the course, but I know this is just the beginning for all of us. It’s less than a week since we graduated and one of my fellow trainees, Stew has already taught his first class (rather brilliantly too I was privileged enough to be there in the front row!)

As I think about what to do next and begin to seek out teaching opportunities, I know that I still feel nervous about teaching, but at least I know where those nerves stem from and that it’s natural to feel this way. I’ll take this great advice from course director, Allie as I go forward:

“It takes courage to stand up in front of a group and share the knowledge you have learnt. The art of teaching comes from experience and being true to yourself. Enjoy it and teach in a way that resonates with you. It is such a wonderful thing to share with others, and over time you will realise the positive impact it has on other people’s lives. I get told by my students from time to time, how life-changing yoga has been for them, mentally or physically. These affirmations give me gentle reminders of the gift of yoga, and how lucky I am to be able to share such wisdom.”

Thanks so much to Allie, Toni, Bryony, Chris and Em. To all my teachers and fellow yogis who have encouraged me along the way. And my fellow trainees – the Class of Autumn 2011

One year ago today, I walked into Yogahaven Clapham for their very first class at 6.45am taught by the lovely Sandra.

Little did I know the impact that walking through those doors that morning would have on my life.

To put things into context, I was not in a good place this time last year, though I wasn’t aware of quite how bad things had got. It’s like when people don’t realise they were depressed until they’re not depressed anymore. I thought I must be fine because I was functioning… on the surface. In order to function, I’d become numb. In hindsight I can see I was headed for burnout at the very least. I’d been doing yoga for a while but knew I was looking for something else. What? I wasn’t certain, but I thought I would try out this new studio that was just opening up nearby. I went along on that first day and instantly it felt… right. Safe. There have been times over the past year where Yogahaven literally has felt like a Safe Haven to me.

The past twelve months has brought all sorts of challenges and changes (all ultimately for the better, I believe). For one thing, if you had told me this time last year that I would be training to be a yoga teacher I would have laughed in your face. Though it had been a secret wish for a while to be able to share the wonderful benefits of yoga with others I never really thought I would ever have the confidence to go for it. (That’s another thing I learned this year – never say never!) There will be more challenges. More changes. Everything is in constant flux. Through my yoga practice I am becoming more okay with this. And as the numbness has dissipated and I ‘feel’ again, I am becoming more open. And the world continues to expand before my eyes.

Thank You to Allie and Krystal for opening Yogahaven Clapham and Thank You to the whole Yogahaven Team. Your warmth and kindness continues to touch me every time I walk through the doors. It’s been so wonderful to be one of your ‘regulars’ and see how the studio has evolved over the past year. Long may you continue.

It’s early on Sunday morning and I am woken up by rays of sunlight beaming through my bedroom window. For a moment I wonder where I am then I remember I am in Morocco and it’s my first day of Yoga Teacher Training. This will be home for the next two weeks. I get up to brush my teeth and through the window I see a camel on the beach, just hanging out, like camels do in Morocco, I guess. I can’t believe I am finally here…

The day before I felt so many mixed emotions at the airport in London – mostly guilt at not being able to go to the hospital with my Mum for her MRI scan, but she is insistent that I go on the course and not worry about her. I am also feeling nerves, fear, excitement… It’s not until I am at the villa – the lovely, welcoming villa with our beautifully decorated rooms – at dinner that I suddenly feel way out of my comfort zone as I think about what lies ahead. All my fellow teacher trainees are very friendly and I feel lucky that I already know a couple of the guys from Yogahaven. I suspect everyone else is feeling nervous too as it’s pretty quiet around the dinner table. Allie tells us it’s always a bit quiet on the first night – wait till we’re a couple of nights in! My stomach is churning. I don’t eat much and I barely touch my dessert – not like me at all!

Back to Sunday. We have our first morning practice in the shala, led by Allie. It’s the ninety minute Yogahaven sequence which we will learn over the two weeks and practice every morning while we are here. We’re right up on the roof of the villa and in front of us is a view of the ocean, while behind us are the Atlas Mountains. While I’m in Vrksasna gazing out to the sea I feel a sense of stillness for the first time since arriving. I feel so grateful to be here.

As it’s the first day we do proper introductions and say a bit about our yoga experiences and why we are on the course. We’ve all found our way here through different paths but the thing that strikes me very quickly is that there is genuine warmth across the whole group. Everyone is lovely.

We begin talking about the sequence, starting with pranayama. Allie asks if anyone wants to teach a bit to the group. Silence. My head rotates by practically 180 degrees as I do that thing of looking out of the window to try and avoid eye contact. But then my name is called out.

“Do you want to have a go?”

Okay…

So, I have a go at leading the group through a little bit of pranayama. I wonder if my voice sounds as shaky as I feel inside. I find speaking in front of groups challenging to the point where my voice involuntarily starts shaking, but this is something I am determined to overcome. I can’t believe I am the first to teach! But afterwards it feels good. It means that later that day when we come to teach the postures we were each asked to learn ahead of coming to Morocco, I feel a bit less freaked out than I otherwise would have.

Our second practice of the day is led by Em from Yogahaven’s Birmingham studio. Her class is brilliant and quite inspirational, not least because Em has not that long ago been where all of us trainees are and she’s clearly a great teacher.

Overall, I feel a bit better by the end of the day. But still a bit wobbly. Still trying to quieten those negative ‘not good enough’ voices in my head. I now really wish I’d brought my running shoes with me. Running, as well as yoga, always helps me feel better. But I feel so, so happy to be doing two yoga classes a day. And Yoga Nidra with Toni was blissful – I think I did actually fall asleep.

Monday

The day I started to allow myself to enjoy it.

I woke up with these words in my head:

“Start from where you are”

I’d been comparing myself to our course tutors – Allie, Toni, Bryony and Em. And to all the other teachers I practice with, thinking about the apparent ease with which they guide and instruct. They are all brilliant and have years of experience between them. I’ve not even found my voice yet, never mind learned how to teach. I realise I need to give myself a break and stop expecting to be perfect. I am here to learn, after all. And I get to start this bit of my journey in such a gorgeous setting. The sunshine is glorious today.

In the shala we discuss the ethics of yoga teaching and our reasons for wanting to teach. We share not so positive experiences we’ve had as students from inappropriate adjustments to rude comments. Out of that discussion we are asked to think about what our own codes of ethics would be and to write them down. Toni says that’s what we’ll come back to in those times when we might be teaching many classes a week and unable to practise anywhere near as much as we’d like.

During posture clinic I get asked to demonstrate Garudasana (Eagle Pose). I’ve never been able to get my foot behind my calf in this posture. Allie asks me why I think that might be:

Me – “I couldn’t do it when I was larger. I think maybe my body’s just not built for it – my legs are quite big.”

Allie – “Hmm… But you’re actually quite small.”

It felt strange to hear that. ‘Small’ is not a word I use to describe myself. I’m never critical about the appearance of others, but I clearly still have stuff to deal with about how I see myself.

With each session, posture clinic and teaching practise I have an increasing respect for the teachers I practise with as I recognise what it takes to teach well and how much energy they put into each class.

Our second practice of the day is a fabulous Yin class with Bryony. I’d really love to do more of this to balance the Yang styles I usually practise. That’s something to seek out when I get back home.

Allie’s words about the group not being so quiet after a couple of nights in came true! During some downtime after dinner we played ‘Celebrity Head’ (guessing the names of celebs written on post-it notes stuck to our foreheads). It was a good laugh – really silly and a great way for the group to bond further.

Tuesday & Wednesday

There’s more of a focus on history and philosophy today. After our morning practice and breakfast we look at the Vedic, Pre-Classical, Classical and Post-Classical periods. I feel I am starting to gain a clearer perspective on the Gita and the Yoga Sutras in particular.

We do our first bit of group meditation too after a chat about our various experiences of meditation so far. Today it’s the SA TA NA MA meditation (Kirtin Kriya) – the most important meditation in Kundalini Yoga. We will try out different meditation styles over the two weeks.

In the evening we play a game during downtime after dinner again. This time it’s a game invented by fellow trainee, Stew – a step up from yesterday’s game incorporating charades and quick fire rounds. It’s genius! It’s really funny to see different people’s competitive sides start to emerge too. There may be no competition in yoga, but the gloves were off in Stewie’s game

On Wednesday we pick up where we left off with history and philosophy. The philosophy discussions are giving me so much to think about and bringing up all sorts of things I never expected – big stuff, small stuff. I really think about how much I have let experiences from the past – painful experiences – define who I am and what is possible for me. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Teaching practice in the afternoon on the warrior sequence feels awful. I start to beat myself up again. Then I stop as I remember what Lorin predicted on my last blog post:

“From one perfectionist to another, I predict that there will be times during the training that you get very upset that you can’t ‘get it’ (by which you’ll mean be absolutely perfect with all of it) but in the end it will be so very worth it.”

Bingo.

I take a step back. I know I am doing my best and that’s all I can do.

During a discussion about Atman – The Individual Soul and Brahman – The Universal Soul I think about the idea that we are not our thoughts or our bodies. It not the first time I’ve heard or thought about this, but in this context, in this environment it takes on a different resonance. Can I observe and have compassion for my ‘self’ who expects to be perfect, who struggles to accept my’self’ as I am?

Thursday

Day Off!

A group of us have an outing to the aptly named Paradise Valley up in the mountains. It was very hot, very magical and a lot of fun. I mention this particularly because it involved me wearing a swimming cossie. And swimming.

To put this into context, you are more likely to see a baseball cap donning, Bengal Tiger ambling up and down the aisles of your local convenience store than see me in a swimming costume or swimming, so rare is the occurrence. When one of my teachers mentioned to me the day before flying out to Morocco that I’d probably need to take a bikini, I laughed. The only time in my life that I’ve worn a two piece is when I was four. And I only know that because I saw a photo. I had no intention of bringing any swimming attire to Morocco. But after that conversation I went out and bought a swimming costume. I could always keep the tags on to take it back to the shop if I didn’t use it, I reasoned. Yet, here I was actually wearing it and doggie paddling (yes, doggie paddling) in a picturesque mountain valley. And loving it.

Friday

Self-Doubt Day.

Everyone’s feeling it. The mood is a bit subdued. We all feel our speed runs of the yoga sequence so far aren’t up to scratch. But Toni assures us that we are all doing well and that how we are feeling at this stage is completely normal. It’s great having reassurance from Em too who has been where we all are.

I am worried about my tendency to mumble. Bryony suggests I could project more. I take that on board for our practice later where I describe getting in and out of Garudasana and Utthita Parsvakonansa. But I still need to work on raising my voice.

We spend some more time looking at the Classical period before rounding off the day with a fab Flow class led by Em.

Can’t quite believe we’re already at the end of week one!

Week Two

Saturday

Our morning posture clinic with Allie focuses on the first part of the standing sequence, looking at adjustments for Utthita Hasta Padangustasana (Extended hand to big toe pose). Then we move onto a voice exercise. We are each given a posture to go away and practice teaching by ourselves for ten minutes. Then we have to come back and teach it to the group just using words – no visual demonstration. A bit like an acting exercise, Allie asks us to really go over the top with our expression. The results are surprising because we see that what we think is exaggerating is for most of us (not least my mumbling self) actually just about the level where are voices need to be, especially if we are teaching in a busy studio. It’s amazing to see the improvements in everyone with just this one tip.

I still find it nerve-wracking standing up in front of everyone, but it’s still great. I love this exercise and I know it’s something I will practice.

That afternoon we chant the Gayatri Mantra (one of my favourites!) as a group. I have this on my iPod and chanted it a lot in the couple of weeks before flying to Morocco.

It’s sad later on saying goodbye to Allie and Em as they head off back to London and Birmingham. Allie tells us that we’re doing well and to keep doing what we’re doing through the second week. Those words really buoy us up.

Sunday

A full schedule. More history as we look at Physical Culture and the Krishnamacharya lineage.

In today’s posture clinic we focus on balancing postures with particular attention on Natarajasana (Dancer’s Pose) and Tuladandasana (Balancing Stick).

Bryony takes us through the Chakras in the afternoon before a strong vinyasa class with Toni, with a focus on inversions. I clearly need to work on my core and shoulder strength – I am a looong way from Pincha Mayurasana, but it was fun!

It definitely feels quieter without Allie and Em – we all miss their presence!

I feel exhausted today and I decide to go to bed earlier in preparation for our sunrise practice.

Monday

After sunrise practice facing the Atlas Mountains, the Eight Limbs is our big focus in the morning. We spend quite a long time discussing the Yamas especially. This gives me a lot to think about. Before coming away on this course, a number of teachers who have already done it said that on teacher training you learn a lot about yourself. I didn’t know what that meant at the time, but increasingly I am understanding. There is a lot of being honest with myself, which isn’t always easy but is ultimately worthwhile.

In the afternoon we have our posture clinic and teaching practice. I feel like I am finding my voice. Slowly but surely.

In the evening Toni tells us we’ll be doing a silent sunrise practice in the morning, followed by a silent breakfast. I love the silent practice, but the silent breakfast is a bit of a surprise. As well as no talking we are to avoid eye contact. No problem though. I’m not that much of a talker anyway – it’ll be easy…

Tuesday

Silent breakfast wasn’t easy.

I had assumed that because I am a pretty quiet person a lot of the time it would be a breeze. But I didn’t like it. I like own company, but I realised that when I’m with other people I thrive on them chatting and having fun and seeing them being happy around me. That, in turn, makes me happier. I find myself feeling very uncomfortable and not being able to make eye contact or smile makes it even harder. I leave the table as soon as I finish eating.

One thing the silent breakfast does do is make me conscious of is what I am actually eating. Rather than rushing my food because I felt uncomfortable, I noticed that I took a bit more time over each mouthful and consequently, I ended up eating less. I feel grateful for what I had to eat and it reminds me that’s not how I always felt. For a long while I used food to punish myself. In that sense I have come a long way.

After breakfast Toni asks us what we thought of the experience. Everyone seemed to feel discomfort to a degree or felt more conscious of the surroundings, their food. This exercise really highlighted how we often use distractions to avoid truly being with ourselves. Today I really take time to appreciate our surroundings, breathing in the sea air. Feeling grateful.

Bryony takes us through the Koshas and we do more on the Eight Limbs with a bit of a pop quiz from Toni. Plus, some more teaching practice. I am still working on my voice – trying to project more.

A really fun Shiva Rea inspired class led by Toni rounds off the day to the melodies of MC Yogi!

That night, after dinner we go back up to the shala for some candle gazing (Tratak). It’s cosy being up there in the dark, wrapped in blankets. We discuss our experiences afterwards.

With our assessment day on Friday looming, a few of us have an impromptu study session on what we’ve learnt so far for about an hour before bed. I think it might actually be sinking in!

Wednesday

Mixed feelings today. The end of the two weeks is in sight, so I try to take in the view of the ocean and lock it into my brain so that it doesn’t feel like a distant memory when I get back home.

We get a slightly longer lunch break today so that we can visit the local market. I love looking around at the stalls selling all sorts from an abundance of vegetables, to piled high spices, to bric-a-brac and so much more. A few of us buy some incredible macaroons which taste as good as they look.

During teaching practice after lunch we do some speed runs through the sequence. I realise I actually remember the whole sequence from start to finish! And I’m not alone. What a contrast from how we felt about our speed runs last week. I go into our energizing flow class with Bryony feeling good.

Thursday – Day Off

A few of us decide to do some more teaching practice in the morning, ahead of tomorrow’s assessments, so a well-earned trip to the beach follows.

For me, it’s a step up from last week’s doggie paddle at Paradise Valley with a little swim in the Atlantic Ocean. It may not sound like much, but for me this is progress. A little step further out of my comfort zone. And playing in the waves was so much fun! It felt like being a little kid and I laughed till my sides hurt.

In the evening a few of us visit the Souk before heading out to dinner at a restaurant near the harbour in Agadir with the rest of the group. It’s our penultimate night and feels a little bittersweet. Part of me is really looking forward to going home, but I know I am going to miss this too.

Friday

Assessment Day

The day has come! We start with our written test. I was never good at exams. How much will I remember of all we’ve learnt over the past two weeks? To my surprise I do better than I expected and realise that I’ve actually taken in more than I thought. In fact, everyone does really well. Relief!

But now the bit we’ve all been waiting for…. teaching the sequence.

We set up our mats to practise and over the next ninety or so minutes Toni randomly calls each of us up to the front of the room to teach postures. We work through the sequence in order so that it’s like a proper class where we are each others’ students. And because we don’t know when our names will be called up we always have to know what posture is coming next. It’s a great way of testing our knowledge of the sequence as well as seeing where our teaching skills have developed over the past fortnight.

I feel sick with nerves until just before we begin, then when I sit quietly on my mat a sense of calm comes over me. I think about all I’ve learnt over the past two weeks, all the words of encouragement from my teachers. And I come back to my ultimate wish to share yoga with others. I decide to just do my best.

Toni silently makes notes on us as we go.

Seeing the improvements in everyone is brilliant! It really is like a proper class. I can’t ‘see’ how I am doing. But I do feel that my voice is clearer.

At the end Toni tells us how well we’ve done as a group and that we should all be proud of ourselves. Toni spots that I look doubtful – I’m focussing on my mistakes.

Toni – “Don’t you think you did well?”

Me – “I’m not sure…”

Our one-to-one feedback with Toni follows and I am gobsmacked by how positive she is about my teaching. I know I have stuff to work on but it feels like a huge endorsement and really encourages me.

Post-assessments our final evening is celebratory! I can’t believe we fly back tomorrow. This second week especially, has whizzed by. What an experience! Even though I’m now ready to go home, I already know that things will feel different.

Now I’ve been back for a week I’m able to begin reflecting on the time in Morocco. It felt strange waking up on Sunday morning and not having breakfast with my fellow teacher trainees. I feel so fortunate and grateful to have been able to go away for this part of training, away from the distractions of home and to share this experience with a brilliant group of people who I am sure will all go on to be fantastic teachers.

Despite the fear, not once did I ever feel over the two weeks that I might give up. I kept coming back to why I want to do this. I accept that I may not be able to banish fear or nerves completely, but I can and will work through them. My desire to share yoga with others is bigger than any fear. And I know that’s what will keep me going as a move forward.

For me, the intense two-week structure worked really well because I know I learn better that way. I’ve learned all sorts of things about myself so far, including that I could do with being kinder to myself a bit more. And that my miming skills aren’t great, as those games of charades proved

We have two weekend modules to follow over the next couple of months along with homework in-between. I’m surprised to now be looking forward studying anatomy, given that this was exactly the kind if thing I disliked with a passion at school. How things change!

I look back at where I was at the beginning of our two weeks in Morocco to where I was on our last assessment day and I’ve surprised myself. At the start I was almost overwhelmed by fear. By the end I was (and still am) overwhelmed with gratitude, especially towards my fellow trainees and our teachers. I still have a long way to go and I know that it’s up to me to keep practising and studying and learning. I am certain that I want to teach and I recognise what a privilege and responsibility it is to have that opportunity. I am really looking forward to seeing where this journey takes me.

In a few days I fly off for two weeks to begin yoga teacher training with my yoga home.

It’s not something I’ve taken lightly. I’ve thought about it so much. I first started looking at teacher training courses roughly two years ago. And each time I would dismiss the idea pretty quickly. For a long while I had a lot of excuses as to why I couldn’t or shouldn’t do it:

I can’t afford it

I can’t do every posture perfectly

I’m nowhere even near getting into headstand or handstand or toe stand or….

I get shy in big groups and don’t do public speaking, so HOW would I stand up in front of a class

I don’t know about yoga philosophy

I was rubbish at biology at school – there’s no way I could get my head round the anatomy

That’s not an exhaustive list, but you probably get the idea.

Once I’d started practising regularly at Yogahaven I saw the course that they offered and my desire to do teacher training was reignited. How I would love to do that course, if only I could afford it.

For a long time, “I can’t afford it” was my biggest excuse. Then I got laid off from my job and got some redundancy pay. So I couldn’t exactly use the money excuse anymore. It’s not that I am rolling in money – it’s scary seeing my bank balance going down so rapidly, with no indication of when or if I will be paid for the freelance work I have done so far. But I instinctively know that now is the time, so I purposefully put some of that redundancy money into teacher training.

But then once the money excuse – my biggest excuse – was off the table, there was still something stopping me. What was it…? I was slapped in the face with the realisation that the money excuse was not my biggest excuse after all. My biggest excuse was:

I don’t look the way a yoga teacher is ‘supposed’ to look.

I felt genuinely shocked and rather disappointed (in myself) at this realisation. As a student I actually don’t expect teachers to look like they could grace the cover of Yoga Journal because in my view and experience what a teacher looks like has nothing at all to do with whether they are a good teacher or not. But I have overheard enough conversations in female changing rooms (not at my yoga home, I hasten to add) to know that some people do think very differently indeed. As dumb as it might sound it really made me doubt myself and question what ‘right’ I had to want to do teacher training. Yoga really is for everybody, but that’s not how it always appears. I’ve noticed that in the last several years especially, yoga has increasingly become more fashionable. And tied up in that I see certain images presented and certain expectations of how yoga practitioners are ‘meant’ to look. I was faced with this myself when someone I met was surprised to learn I practise yoga and actually told me I didn’t look like I had a ‘yoga body’. I thought about that conversation and wondered what the reaction would have been if I had said I was a yoga teacher.

All this concern about what other people might think made me seriously consider not pursuing teacher training at all. I confided in one of my lovely teachers about wanting to do the course and she was kind enough to give me some advice and really encouraged me. But still, I worked myself into such a state about asking Allie, who is the course director, about whether I could apply. In the end I just thought:

Woman Up!

When did I start letting what I imagined other people might think stop me from doing something I really want to do? I thought I’d got past that a long time ago.

I’m so glad I got over myself and decided not to let my insecurity get the better of me. I know why I am doing this. And I know that I do want to teach and share the wonderful gift of yoga with others. But Allie gave us teacher trainees some really valuable advice – to see the course as a journey of discovery and not to get addicted to the destination of being a yoga teacher.

I’ve been putting quite a lot of pressure on myself and have become increasingly nervous as the start of the course draws nearer. Over the past week especially I’ve wound myself up into a bit of a panic about it – I don’t feel as ready as the old perfectionist side of me expects me to be. But when I feel myself getting overwhelmed I remind myself of Allie’s advice. I remind myself of the kind words of encouragement and support I have received from all my teachers – such goodwill which I appreciate hugely. I remind myself of how very lucky I am that I get to do this and how exciting it is.

This has been a pretty significant year of change so far. This is the next step in that journey. Yes, I do still have some butterflies about what lies ahead as I embark on teacher training, but now I can’t wait.

That the Heat would teach me about Accepting the Things you Can’t Control…

Early in my Bikram practice I was obsessed with the heat. Constantly.

“OH MY GOD! How hot is it?!”

“Is the teacher going to open the door and let some air in??? Why aren’t they opening the door yet?!”

“@*#! Is the teacher trying to kill us?!”

Generally, there would be a lot of internal Tourettes going on. If my brain was one of those TV shows where the expletives all get blanked out, it would have been broadcasting one big, long, continuous ‘bleep’. Even Chris Rock would be blushing.

And all this would usually be geared towards blaming the teacher for how hot the room was. Because surely it was their fault, right? I never took into account that the heat in the studio could vary for all sorts of reasons, from the number of bodies in the room, to the weather outside, to how I was feeling on any given day, to yes, maybe even the heating system genuinely being temperamental once in a while. Then, there was the rather obvious question – if I had a problem with the heat then why practice in it? I always came back, so I realised that my problem wasn’t the heat but my attitude towards it.

Fast forward a few years and I do feel very differently about the heat. Hot Yoga at my yoga home is the basis of my practice, mixed with Astanga and Jivamukti when I can, so on average I tend to do about 5 hot classes a week at the moment and every day is different.

Now, if I’m in a particularly hot class, yes I do acknowledge it. If someone comments on how hot it was, I’ll say, “Yeah, it was hot today”. But I don’t have that internal Tourettes anymore. Instead, I see the heat as a bit of a metaphor for accepting things I can’t change on and, especially off the mat. That doesn’t mean I always manage it, but I try. In a particularly hot, humid class, I naturally sweat even more (if that were possible!), my ability to balance is usually off, I might need to take child’s pose more often, be even more conscious of my breath… A particularly hot, humid class certainly does present more challenges. But it’s a reminder to me to be kinder to myself as I move through those challenges. How apt that I would have a particularly challenging class last week to remind me of this, just as I’d been berating myself earlier that day over something that ultimately, I could not change or control.

It was one of those really tough classes, physically and emotionally. (Ever had one of those classes where stuff comes up and you feel like you don’t really want to speak to anyone afterwards for fear that they’ll ask if you’re okay and you’ll burst into tears on the spot? Yep, one of those.) But instead of trying to push those feelings down I decided to accept where I was and just sit with those feelings until they passed. I’m so glad I did that. Because my natural disposition is pretty positive I have a tendency to expect that I should be cheerful all of the time and feel guilty if I’m not, but that’s ridiculous. It’s not real.

There is nothing wrong with accepting how you feel. That doesn’t mean wallowing in sadness if I feel sad, but I’ve finally learned that it’s healthier to acknowledge how you feel rather than fight against it, just as it is healthier to find a way to accept those things in your life that you truly cannot change than to resist and push and struggle. I look back and realise that health issues I’ve had in the past were probably linked to me doing just that. If you push those things down, I think they find a way to come out somehow in the end. In my case, it’s been physically.

Yes, that sounds obvious but it’s taken me a long while to get this lesson. And what a great lesson. Better late than never.

It’s interesting how what you focus on can show up, not just once, but again and again.

In class the other day our teacher talked about the ability to see our challenges as gifts. Earlier that same day I’d been reading Jivamukti Yoga where Sharon Gannon and David Life explain the meaning behind this chant:

I remember chanting this in my first ever Jivamukti class, call and response. I mumbled it under my breath with no clue of what it all meant or how to pronounce the words, but it sparked a desire to learn more. Of Devo Maheshvara (another name for Shiva, the Destroyer) Sharon Gannon and David Life write:

“If you can accept Devo Maheshvara as Guru, then you are a very evolved soul. It takes spiritual maturity to embrace difficulties and to see within them the potential for enlightenment. The greatest spiritual growth can come from appreciating difficult times in your life and facing them fully with an open heart.”

This notion is something I seem to have been hearing and reading a lot lately. I know I find this tough to accept – I am far, far, far from evolved – but I do understand the truth in it. In my experience, it is the challenges that make you grow. However, that can be much easier to see in hindsight than when you’re in the eye of the storm and scrabbling for a piece of driftwood to cling to.

As mentioned in previous posts, the past few months turned out to be more challenging than I expected. Yet, during and since then I’ve noticed that I say ‘Thank You’ a lot more. And every time I say it I mean it.

I am so especially grateful to my fantastic family and friends and the wonderful folks at my yoga home. Between them they’ve helped me through this time more than they probably realise. Somehow, ‘Thank You’ doesn’t seem enough.

I have no idea what the future holds but I do know that a bit of gratitude really puts things into perspective. It’s as though the more grateful I become the more there is to be grateful for. One door has closed for me but as a result there are other doors and windows opening up. It’s making me look at the past few months differently – I learned some things about myself and I genuinely see it all as a gift. The challenge is, when the next set of challenges appear (as they invariably will) can I find the ability to see them as gifts at the time? Will I be able to honestly embrace the difficulties? I’m pretty certain it will take me some time to get to that point. But that’s okay. I can accept that. And I can keep working on it. And who knows? Maybe one day I will be able to chant Guru Devo Maheshvara from a place of true appreciation.

In the meantime, I’m sticking with Gratitude for all the gifts in my life right now.

Last month I mentioned that two of my lovely yoga home teachers were climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Well… they did it! And they broke through the fundraising target for their charity too so lots of children will benefit from the money raised. I was moved reading Allie’s account of their experience. Thinking of the mental determination, not to mention the physical endurance it must have taken I am truly inspired – it made me wonder whether I would have had the courage to meet such a challenge. I love stories like this, especially when they involve people I know, because they inspire me to reach further, dream bigger and be better.

That attempting to practise selflessly would lead me towards forgiveness…

In the classes at my yoga home our teachers often talk about Selfless Practice.

I always set an intention for each class and practising for someone else can feel like the best thing to do in situations where you want to help but don’t know how. I’ve practised for people close to me, for people I’ve never met but who I know are going through a challenging time… One thing I never imagined I’d be doing is practising for people who have hurt me.

But I have. And I do.

That might sound strange or suggest I’m a bit of a Pollyanna (not that I think there’s anything wrong with Pollyanna, actually). While I’ll admit that I’d rather be optimistic and I do want to see the best in people I am most certainly not perfect or ‘Yogier than Thou’.

I’ve been told I am too nice on numerous occasions, (particularly in my career where I was told I would never get ahead if I didn’t change, yet I feel I’ve done okay so far). I don’t know that this is true at all because I don’t feel that I’m any more or less ‘nice’ than the average person. But, whatever the truth may be, I’ve learned that I can’t be anything but myself.

Anyhow, my alleged ‘niceness’ led to a particular experience with someone last year which felt like such a betrayal that I found it baffling and deeply upsetting at the time. It was one of those experiences where everyone else witnessing the situation got very angry on my behalf, with one person exclaiming that it was,”…like watching Bambi get run over by a tank!” And I was angry, which is about as rare as a rain-free Wimbledon tournament. As it became apparent that this person’s actions were borne out of insecurity, that made me even more furious. “SO WHAT if he’s insecure?!” I ranted. “What’s he got to be insecure about exactly?! I haven’t even done anything to him so why is that my problem?! What the hell gives him the right to….”

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I don’t like drama, but boy did I get caught up in the whole thing. I carried on with all the ‘woe is me’ stuff until I got all the ranting and swearing out of my system.

Then I realised I hadn’t got it all out of my system, so I swore some more.

All that was left afterwards was a dull, sad feeling. I was completely bemused by the idea that someone I’d held in such high regard could possibly feel threatened by me. By that point, this person wouldn’t speak to me directly either, so there seemed to be no way to resolve things. I didn’t know what else to do.

Shortly after, I was rolling out my mat for class one day, trying not to think about what had been happening when a surprising thought popped into my head:

I could offer this practice – the next ninety minutes up to this person.

I have no idea where that thought came from, but in that moment it felt like the right thing to do. So, that’s exactly what I did. The unexpected consequence of this is that I started to feel differently about the situation. It’s not that I suddenly thought what had happened was okay – it absolutely wasn’t. It was more that I couldn’t be angry at this person anymore. I found myself hoping that in time they’d recognise there was no need for them to lash out at others with their insecurity (I subsequently learned that I wasn’t the first to be on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour…). If only they could see just what they have. How brilliant they are.

I think… I forgave him.

Where on earth did that come from? For the girl who held a grudge for five years against the kid who chucked her favourite Kinder Surprise toy down the drain at school, this was something of a development.

I hadn’t expected that in attempting to practise for someone else – someone who had upset me so much – it would help me in this way. I have no idea if this kind of thing is a common experience to come out of one’s yoga practice or if it’s pretty random. Either way it really surprised me because I hadn’t been doing it in order to get something back.

“There is no possibility of one’s becoming a yogi, O Arjuna, if one eats too much or eats too little…”

- The Bhagavad Gita

I’ve been on a bit of a journey with the way I eat over the past few years. My body has become much clearer about what it does and doesn’t like being put into it. And this seems to have occurred in tandem with developing a regular yoga practice. Sometimes I rebel (for instance, my meals for the duration of the Royal Wedding weekend featured way too much of my beloved cake) but I usually end up suffering for it because my body tells me afterwards loud and clear that it is not happy.

As a child of immigrant parents I am an NBC (Natural Born Carnivore) or so I have always believed. When I was growing up, meat was the most important (and expensive) bit of the meal and, consequently, we were expected to eat ALL of it. So why do I increasingly feel less inclined to eat meat?

This isn’t a sudden development at all – it’s actually been roughly a couple of years in the making – a ‘leaning-in’ process that I can’t claim was conscious in the beginning.

So, the ‘meat thing’ is all part of this trying to tune into what my body seems to want. Or rather, not want. Though I’ve not had meat on my grocery list for the last couple of years I’m not vegetarian – I’ve eaten fish a handful of times this year and there are times when I have eaten meat too. I’ve recently realised that the only (three) times this has occurred in the past several months have been:

a) To placate my mother, who can’t get her head around the not eating meat idea. Her response when I went to visit her and she tried (as usual) to give me some food:

Mum: “Oh. Well have some of this chicken-stir fry instead.”

Me: “But chicken is meat, Mum.”

Mum: “It’s not really though, is it…?”

Me: “Hmm. A bit like Simon Cowell isn’t really a millionaire.”

I’ve struggled with this one as I don’t want her to feel rejected. Like most mothers she is constantly concerned about whether her children are eating (no matter how many years they have been ably feeding themselves). Food is Love after all…

b) To not feel like a nuisance if I’m round at other people’s homes and they have gone to the trouble of kindly cooking for me. I haven’t even worked this thing out in my head yet, so how do I explain it to someone else?

With the lack of my former protein staples of meat and fish in my diet I feel like I still haven’t got a proper handle on how to balance my nutrition. It’s been a lot of trial and error along the way. I was surprised to learn a while ago that I wasn’t eating enough (though my body has changed a lot over the past couple of years I am not exactly sylphlike…) and then I had a recent issue with iron deficiency so I really want to make sure I am being healthy. So, when I saw that my yoga home was hosting a workshop on nutrition with a focus on vegetarianism and veganism I knew I wanted to go.

What followed was a fun, informative two and a half hours mixing asana practice with Sally and discussion on how best to approach a vegetarian or vegan diet with nutritionist / heath and fitness coach, Mark Hughes.

For our asana practice there was an emphasis on twists and other postures to help stimulate the digestive system such as apanasana (wind-relieving pose), dhanurasana (bow pose) and paschimotanasana (seated forward bend). Then came the time to talk about one of my favourite subjects: Food.

We all had questions ranging from what to do about getting enough protein? What about vitamin B12 and vitamin D? What about getting enough iron…? As I listened to Mark I realised that I had been implementing a fair amount of the tips he was giving us over the past couple of years. Things like cooking with coconut oil, incorporating good fats and taking spirulina, for instance. I found that reassuring. I now see it’s probably not a coincidence that my stopping taking spirulina was followed by a significant dip in energy levels and a diagnosis of iron deficiency.

At the end of the two and a half hours (including a relaxation at the end where I was so chilled that I almost fell asleep!) we went off armed with our little nutrition packs from Mark and yoga for digestion handouts from Sally. And Mark kindly said he would email us all with details of some of the supplements he talked about.

I’m really glad I went along. It was great to have certain things reinforced as well as learning a few new things along the way. And it helped me feel a bit more confident about going down the path of nourishing my body without eating animals… no bad thing. Plus, it seems that even my mother might be coming round. When I went to see her the other week she offered me some lamb and I politely declined. Then she uttered the words:

I feel like – scratch that – I know I talk about yoga a LOT. I will happily talk about it with anyone who will listen (or not, as the glazed-over expressions of some friends and colleagues indicate…). I even had a conversation about yoga with a stranger at a bus stop the other day. In London. Where strangers do not talk to each other. In fact, like a little yoga-evangelist I’ve scribbled down the web address of my yoga home and pressed it into the palms of numerous folks from the sales assistant at Sweaty Betty who mentioned she was struggling to find a good class in the area to the actor who told me he wasn’t sure if he could do yoga because he wasn’t, in his own words, “bendy”. (He even got down on the floor in a cross-legged position with his knees up by his ears to prove it.)

So, you could say I am somewhat enthusiastic about yoga…. I know how much it has, and continues to, benefit me – I just want to share how magical it is with everyone. For someone who is usually not much of a talker, yoga is one subject I can’t seem to shut up about. And NONE of my friends are into yoga. So much so that I am 99.9 percent certain none of them will be reading this. Which technically means I could say whatever I like about them here…

It’s one of the reasons I started this blog. To avoid becoming a yoga bore when I’m with my friends and also as a way to somehow process the things I am experiencing internally through my practice. And, if another yogi or yogini with no yoga pals either happens to stumble across this blog along the way, just maybe some of this will reassure them a teeny bit that they’re not the only one feeling this ‘stuff’. It’s another way of trying to Spread the Yoga Love, I guess…

Anyhow, I got a bit of a surprise when I received a message the other day from a friend to say she has, “started doing a bit of yoga” (!) And the best part is that she is already experiencing some of the benefits in the form of stress relief. I was (and still am) thrilled (THRILLED!) to hear how happy she sounded about this. I have a feeling that she is going to keep going with it too. I really hope so. Her email practically made my week!

Maybe it’s not such a bad thing that I can’t shut up about yoga after all. It makes me want to Spread the Yoga Love even more.