Dear Thelma: I want a close friend but no one wants me

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I am in despair over one of my friendships. I have tried to keep my thoughts positive; that I’ll eventually find a good friend who will be more accepting of me.

Eight years of friendship – from our schooldays and living close to each other – vanished in a day all because of a boyfriend. That had a big impact on me.

I was lost for a moment and felt very sad and lonely because I knew I had lost her. Even if we became friends again in the future, it definitely would not be the same.

Then I thought to myself, this is a lesson, this is life, keep your head strong. We learn from our mistakes, we learn how to trust.

The wound was deep but I tried to keep an open mind when I later became friends with someone at my previous workplace. We were friends for two years and became very close. Both of us were very mature in handling our issues and we shared our respective friendship history with each other.

I introduced her to my family and friends, and we even went on trips together. We were each other’s sounding board and advisor.

This went on until one day when my mother suddenly became ill and had to be admitted to the hospital. She eventually passed away.

Not once was my so-called friend there for me throughout the ordeal. I was, of course, hurt but I tried to keep my cool while I listened to her excuses. She went shopping with her mother while mine was on her deathbed. The worst thing was that I had sent her a message hours earlier asking her to come to the hospital.

Months later, I invited her for my late mother’s prayers and she couldn’t make it. I also invited her to visit my mum’s grave, and again she said she wasn’t able to attend. I wanted to tell her how I felt about it. But I was sad and angry and I knew I would say things that would hurt her.

At the end of 2016, we went for a trip together with her partner and mine. We shared the petrol and accommodation expenses.

In the middle of 2017, she blocked me from contacting her and left our friendship without a word. I was again devastated. I kept thinking that I wasn’t good enough and I wasn’t a good friend. I kept questioning myself. What did I do wrong? I hated this feeling of loss and despair. It made me lose hope of ever finding and building a close friendship, which I missed having.

The worst part was that I found out recently she broke off our friendship because during our trip, her boyfriend drove most of the time and forked out more money.

She felt guilty and wanted to apologise to me. But I can’t believe this was the reason she cut ties with me. We could have sorted things out. She claimed she never had a friend like me but her actions proved otherwise.

How do I stop thinking and feeling that I’m not good enough and convince myself that I will again have a good friend? I miss having a close friend, but does sincerity and acceptance still exist in friendship?

Lost in hope

Dear Lost in hope

Are there solid friendships? Yes. However, you are having trouble managing your expectations and friendship style.

We have BFFs, Best Friends Forever, in school. When we become young adults and go to college, the BFFs tend to fade. This is because our daily experiences are no longer shared. Also, we’re busy growing up, and the changes mean we relate to each other differently.

By the time we enter the workplace, our interests are diverse and so are our friendships. We have work friends, various social groups, and our family. At this point, BFFs from school tend to reconnect, although in a looser network.

The kind of solid friendship we had in our youth comes back when we find a life partner. That person is closest to us, sharing daily experiences, and matching our core values and interests.

Now, you appear to be stuck in a youthful mentality where you want a BFF outside of a life partner. However, you’re not a child. This is what has caused you some grief.

With your school friend, I think you were hurt by not understanding how relationships evolve from childhood. You clung on while she has moved on.

As for your work friend, should she have come to the hospital? Well, it would have been kind. However, I think you need to consider that you may have had very different views of the friendship.

The lady didn’t come at all, and put you off at every single turn. She clearly wanted distance while you wanted a significant closeness. You two also saw the holiday from vastly different perspectives.

Furthermore, your letter suggests neither of you talked openly. You hid your anger; she vanished. This suggests that you weren’t communicating.

Frankly, it doesn’t sound like a good relationship.

To look outside your friendship question, you casually mention you have a partner but there are no details at all. If you still have that partner, what is his role in your life? How do you two relate? And how come you’re not looking there for your close friendship?

Given the circumstances, I think it would be helpful if you talked to someone sensible about the way you connect with people.

Find a good therapist, evaluate your relationships and learn how to make connections that give you what you need. You deserve happiness, so go and figure out how you can provide that for yourself.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor or e-mail star2.thelma@thestar.com.my. Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

11 Comments

Thomas Foo

Don’t feel upset, don’t get hurt, the world is fill of ungrateful people. Even close relatives will show their true colours when they find you are no more useful to them.
I helped to drive my late mother in law when she needed to go to the hospitals on many occasions even she had done living in same town.
I bought her her favourite food and kueh on many occasions.
When she passed away two years ago, the wake was undecided because of two different religion camps in the family.
Touch wood, I was neutral and got angry because her wake venue kept changing and I scold the family.
One of the son shouted at me and asked me to get lost. Although I was the eldest son in law as my wife is the eldest sibling in the family, I had to leave as the son said he was the host.
He tried to ask for forgiveness on the next day, I refused to accept his apology as it is pointless to be friends or relatives with ungrateful people.
We can live and enjoy doing things on our own minus those insincere people.
However, there are many sincere people around, my Indian neighbours are a family of sincere people, they helped to look after my dog whenever my wife and I go to Sydney for a month or more.
Don’t fret and waste time on insincere and ungrateful people.

Belle

Thomas Foo…I so agreed with you on the world is full of ungrateful insincere people, even own siblings & parents. Friends come and go…we can still choose which is worth our time but not own family. $$$ maybe the root of all evil but it helps us see the true color of human.

Lost in hope : Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who walks into your life, says ” i’m here for you” and proves it. Focus on the ones that really care and love you.

Kay

You come across as someone who is controlling with high expectations and the mentality that the world revolves around you. You’ve suffocated your friendship by your demands, wants and emotional blackmail. In short, being your best friend is a burden. To your friend, the emotional stress which comes with it is unworthy of the time invested. It’s best you make many friends for now but save the “best friend” for someone who naturally sticks to you through thick and thin. It cannot be forced upon, you cannot make the selection or the rules, it just happens.

How am I controlling Kay? I never asked anything from her besides being there for me at my late mother’s deathbed and funeral. As for my 8 years friend it isn’t worth it to leave the only person who can see her boyfriend is a piece of sht who can’t be loyal and living on her money at that time. I sincerely wish things had turn out better for both of them and that he had change, appreciate her better.

Cheers.

Betty Huang

Uhmm….I thought you mentioned having a partner…so I assume you do have a boyfriend…
And tis person who turned out a disappointment…she has a boyfriend too..
How come you seem to have such high expectations from a girl buddy than from your boyfriend??
Life is always full of changes…when one is schooling, when one is working, when in a different environment. Stop acting like you do need some best friend in a girl buddy from good old days. Any gal you used to call buddy could have likely met her life partner and start on a family of her very own and her priorities can change. It`s all nature`s course.
That`s life and you don`t have to have this kinda buddy to survive.
Why don`t you focus more on your boyfriend and relax your hold on expecting too much from “friends”?
I can tell you when you expect less,you will not get so disappointed.
Of course I`m not saying that it`s not a blessing to want to have close friends.Who wouldn`t wish for close friends?
But to love a friend,you do need to give that close friend some space too.
It could be too stifling to expect a friend to be there always by your side, whenever you need her. Perhaps that buddy you trusted is too busy minding a family of her own to spare more time with you.That`s forgivable.
Perhaps you could wait till the empty nest syndrome sets in,then rekindle the good old days during the winter of your life..
Meanwhile,you keep on meeting new people, making new friends.
There could be the chance to find a gem of a friend that may come your way, among new friends we make everyday.Gem friends are like diamonds, they are very rare.
But do remember as well, a friend in need is a friend indeed!
Count your blessings if you have had a best friend in the good old days…

Elaine

Let go, my dear. Learn to let go. Tell yourself it is enough putting your happiness into other people’s hands. Ultimately the only person you can control is yourself. We can love people but we cannot force them to love us back: it is a fact of life that even God abides by. Reassert control of your own life. Find your own level and happiness, maybe by helping the less fortunate or get into something that really interests you.

Prabhdial

There are lessons to be learnt
There is no such thing as fair
One for sure you are better as u lived up to tge friendship
it is her loss
no worries
Creator has got bigger plans
Live your life
Do not do anything which you do notvwant others to do to you
Even a thought of revenge ill feelings can destroy
Keep your mind and soul clean and you shall always be blessed
Waheguru

Thank you very much for your kind words and advice. I’ve always been more keen to look for your comment in #DearThelma’s post. It is much more understanding and reliable then Thelma’s, and I don’t think she get the point of it all. Wish you lots of love and happiness in your life.

Appreciate your advice and feedback. However, let me make my self clear on questions that had been raised by some of you.

Firstly, I’m not stuck with the mind of youth or school bff’s thing, there is a huge difference between your partner and your friend. Some things we aren’t able to share with our partner or vice versa. As an adult I personally think focusing on your partner the whole time isn’t helping both of us to grow. As a human, everyone needs a friend besides a partner.

Lastly, I do not have high expectations from any friend or my partner and I certainly do not control and suffocate them. Come on people, I am very well aware that people come and go but the thing that’s bothering me is my confidence in having a close friend ever again. Everyone wants someone who would stick thru thick and thin besides a partner because they might leave too 🙂

Anyways, thank you again for all the advice, cheers.

SFKL

You want a sister who’s your BFF. She isn’t that person. She is looking for a good time friend. Different expectations. Find another but don’t take the approach like every man I meet is the man I’m gonna marry sort of way. Same with friends.

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