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Friday, December 19, 2014

Happy holidays, my damies! And here's my gift to you. Lindsay Lohan, dancing around in a bra, sweater, and some sort of Christmas themed hat. Ho ho ho indeed! Am I right? Yeah, I'm right. But that doesn't make me love her any less. And if nothing else, you gotta appreciate a celebrity that can just throw shit at a wall in an attempt for attention, and not bring the world to the brink of nuclear terrorati abomination. Freakin' Rogen and Franco. Oh yeah, I can't believe an enemy of ours got upset when you mocked the leader of their government AND their religion! I mean, who would have thought that government and religion were hot button issues?! Freakin' Teds. But at least we've got LiLo here to bring some levity to the situation. And some freckled thighs and breasts. Which are really the most important things, here. Things that, if we ever let terrorist keep from us, then they indeed would have ALREADY WON THE WAR!...

And now I'll try to win the war against a .500 record. All while using Big Red's bouncing bosoms up there as my inspiration. I mean, hey. If she can make a comeback, then why can't I? Hmmm? What's that? Oh, you're saying she hasn't made a comeback yet? Interesting. OK, well then allow me to return the favor, and show her what coming back is all about! And no, Lindsay. That wasn't a typo. No, sweetie. The words "on her" weren't supposed to precede the word "back". Yes, I'm sure. Come on now, babe. This is a family column...

And I'm sure about these picks, too. So ho ho ho let's go go go!...

Week 16 Picks

New England Patriots (-10) @ New York Jets

OK, so here we are. Another Jets/Patriots match up, and likely the final time Rex Ryan and Bill Belichick will match wits as divisional foes. And yes, I know these games are typically closer than they should be. Especially when they're played in New York. But I like to ignore trends when they don't fit my agenda, and that's exactly what I'm going to do here. Mostly because the Pats have been crushing the number of late. But mostly because the the Jets are garbage. Which is always an important factor to consider...

Washington Tedskins (+7.5) vs Philadelphia Eagles

San Diego Chargers (+1) @ San Francisco 49ers

Now before that Pats game, we have this twosome on Saturday. Doubt I'll be doing much more than catching the occasional update on my pocket computer. But I do like both of the underdogs. San Fran's season is over, and their coach already has one khaki leg out the door. And Philly's defense is just too shaky to trust on the road while spotting that many points. Plus, that just feels like the random "Whoa, maybe RG3 isn't done" game that we've all been waiting for. You'll have to let me know if that's the case, though. Because, yeah. I won't be watching...

Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) vs Kansas City Chiefs

Sing it with me!

They call him Le'Veon Bellllll-ellllll-elllll. Le'Veon Bell. His name is Le'Veon Bellll-elllll-elllll, not Johnny Manziel!

Le'Veon Bell for MVP. Yep. GET ON BOARD!!! And feel free to move to the rhythm, too. Don't worry. It won't hurtcha...

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+10.5) vs Green Bay Packers

That's Josh McCown, up there. Poking an injured Jay Cutler. He's starting for the Bucs, this week. And while most are predicting a big bounce back for Green Bay after their unexpecTed loss last week in Buffalo (called it!), I'm opting to go against the grain and take the ever inflating number. I also heard a stat this week that the Bucs have played in more games decided by 8 points or fewer (8) than any other team in the NFL this season. Basically that means they suck at winning. Which is never a good characteristic of a team with which your about to throw your financial support. But that's a lot of points. So there's always that. And how poetically awesome would it be for McCown to beat the Packers on a week where the team that waived him on is busy looking for a capable quarterback. Very poetically awesome, that's how...

Dallas Cowboys (-3) vs Indianapolis Colts

Now, this line confuses me. Which is never a good thing. But between Indy's injuries and locked in playoff spot, and Dallas still fighting for the NFC East, this match up between two more or less equals certainly seems to feature one team that will be much more incentivized when it comes to grabbing that W. And I'm not worried about Murray and his busted hand, either. HE's a great player, and all. But it's the way that team run blocks that makes them go. So even with the underwear bandit back there, they should still have enough to topple the Fighting Lucks...

No, I know what you're thinking. And that's not Guy Fieri's son doing a commercial for the Flavortown Nail Salon. It's Jimmy Clausen. Former big deal turned current Bears quarterback. AND HE'S GONNA LEAD THE BEARS TO THE PROMISED LAND! (nah). Might make for a sneaky daily fantasy play, though. If you're so inclined. Which you totally should be...

Detroit Lions (-8.5) @ Chicago Bears

Minnesota Vikings (+6.5) @ Miami Dolphins

New Orleans Saints (-6) vs Atlanta Falcons

Houston Texans (+6.5) vs Baltimore Ravens

St. Louis Rams (-5) vs New York Giants

Oakland Raiders (+5.5) vs Buffalo Bills

Arizona Cardinals (+8.5) vs Seattle Seahawks

Monday Night

Cincinnati Bengals (+3) vs Denver Broncos

Well, I started this thing by praising a red head, so I might as well finish things up by doing the same thing. You know, to put a little "bow" on it. Because Christmas, and whatnot. But gingerness aside, I like the Bengals in this spot. They're playing better of late, and they're at home. That, and Denver's recent wins haven't exactly been all that awe inspiring. But, yeah. I'm sure the red headed connection isn't being lost on my subconcious. So feel free to take that into account. OR don't, and instead just watch Lindsay dance in the full version of that GIF. That's a decent strategy, too. And Lord knows that's what I'll be doing...

Last Week: 9-10-1

Overall: 124-129-3 (.490)

And there you have it. Merry Christmas to you all, from Lindsay and myself. She was a good sport to unwittingly play along with my crude holiday schemes. And for that, I'll be forever grateful. And you Teds forget to be grateful for what you've got this time of year, either! We're lucky bastards, each and every one of us. So act accordingly. And I'll catch you next time...