Gadgets that make useful wedding gifts

Gadgets to buy as wedding presents for those irritating couples who insist on being in love, getting married and demanding gifts. Hope these little treasures are useful...

Magic toaster app

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This may be the greatest gadget ever to feature on my page. You draw a design onto the app on your phone. Press 'go' on the toaster and three minutes later some toast emerges with your design cooked into it. But there's more. You can press the word 'weather' on the app and the toaster will cook today's weather forecast onto your toast. But there's more. If you're away from home, you can write a message onto the app for the person in your kitchen at home. They get a text saying 'put some bread into the toaster now' and three minutes later it pops up with your message cooked into it. If there is a greater bread-based gadget anywhere in the world, butter me with Lurpak and call me Barbara.

In development

Alarm ring

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ByTatler

Amazingly romantic gadget - fantastically useful in the first year of marriage, when all you want to do is make the other person blissfully happy. It's an alarm clock in the form of a ring that vibrates on your finger when you need to rise, so that you don't disturb your spouse if you need to wake up earlier than they do. Virtually the definition of true love and consideration. Not convinced? Consider the alternative scenario: it's 6am and a loud, brutal, old-fashioned alarm clock goes off like a klaxon, waking the newly wedded wife for a breakfast meeting while the groom screams, 'Oh, FFS, I'm bloody awake now and you knew this was my lie-in morning and I can't believe you would do this and can you brush your teeth a bit more quietly, purlease, gah meh.' Cut to the signing of annulment papers citing irreconcilable bedroom differences. It could have been so different had you simply given them this ring.

In development

Heartbeat pillow

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Don't laugh. There are some people so hopelessly devoted that the idea of falling asleep listening to the constant boom-boom of their loved one's heartbeat is gorgeous rather than really annoying. If you're charged with purchasing a gift for that kind of quixotic pair, consider the Little Riot. Imagine the female newlywed, at home, sad and alone. She is missing her husband and gazing longingly at the photo of their wedding, that day when adoration emanated from every inch of their lithe and compatible bodies. She puts on a little red wristband. Automatically, the Little Riot app texts an alert to her husband, who is sitting in his hotel room abroad, stuck on a business mission and yearning for his seemingly perfect wife. She pops the little pod speaker under her pillow; he does the same. They snuggle themselves down under their respective duvets - and from the pods, through the pillows, and into their attractively shaped ears, come the actual sounds of their heartbeats, pumping all night long. Unless one of them suddenly dies, in which case, silence. Pointless? Maybe. Weird? I grant you. Romantic? S'pose. *sulks*

Cuddle mattress

A mattress with grooves. So rather than your arm being squished under the shoulder of your partner, meaning you wake up with a neck that feels like it's been jammed in a cupboard, your elbow slips snugly into the mattress. Bad news for osteopaths, good news for couples who like to hug all night. Cuddles without chiropractors.

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Automatic loo seat

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Minimise the risk of divorce with this ugly but handy touchless loo seat. As you approach the loo, the seat automatically lifts. And 15 seconds after you've done the business, the lid and seat close of their own accord. The happy couple can keep their vows and their dignity. And it will all be thanks to you, their only friend to be looking out for them in the toilet department.

Pink vintage tandem bike

What could be more romantic than a tandem bike? Nothing, that's what. Literally, honestly and properly nothing. Are we absolutely sure about it being pink? Most pointless question of all time. Exactly how old is the company that makes this little honey? Actually, 110 years - it's new, but in its bones it's properly vintage. Does it have leatherette seats and handles? Do you know me not at all? How many people can fit on this bike? Two in comfort.Four if you are giving double-bunk-ups (technical term) or actively taking part in a travelling orgy (non-technical term).