Auntie SparkNotes: My Boobs Are Two Different Sizes

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Dear Auntie,
I have an awkward question for you (did your face just light up?). Well, I guess I'll just spit it out, here goes nothing: I'm 17 and one of my breasts is bigger than the other one, like noticeably a whole cup size bigger. As you can imagine, this is not really a desirable situation, especially since there's not much there to start with... so, whats the haps? Will everyone I ever meet run away screaming "oh dear god nooo!"? Am I destined to a life weighted down on just one side?

OH DEAR GOD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*Throws computer across the room and runs screaming down the street*

...Okay, just kidding. I’m still here! And actually, that thing that just happened? That is exactly what will never, ever happen to you, ever, even if someone does somehow notice your chesticular asymmetry.

Which, by the way, is pretty unlikely. Even at two different cup sizes, your lopsided boobs will never be remotely as noticeable to other people as they are to you, and particularly not when you’re clothed. And before we get to the haps, as you call them, it’s important to note that differently-sized breasts are both perfectly normal and extremely common— particularly when you’re still a teenager and things aren’t quite done developing yet. (Fun fact: one of my best friends in high school was affectionately nicknamed “Lopsy” by her boyfriend. Bet you can guess why!)

So, don’t go resigning yourself to a lopsided lifetime just yet; by the time you hit your twenties, there’s a good chance that the ladies will have achieve a state of relative same-sized-ness. (Although if not, and if it really bothers you, you can always look into getting them fixed by a plastic surgeon.) And in the meantime, if you want to even things out for aesthetic reasons, i.e. so that your shirts fit more evenly, feel free to pad your smaller side with a chicken cutlet.

But whatever you do, and whatever happens, please make peace with your boobs—both the overachieving big one and the lazy little one. This is your body, and there’s nothing wrong with it. And whether or not the little one catches up, please remember that having different-sized breasts is like any other physical idiosyncrasy—in that a person who gives you a hard time about your body is a person who doesn’t deserve the pleasure of seeing it, or you, ever again.

Oh, and one more thing: if you’re specifically concerned about the reactions of would-be boyfriends, please know that the male half of the population is in no position to get huffy over things being weird-looking, uneven, or not perfectly symmetrical in their degree of dangle from your body. Because testicles. That is all.

Do you have lopsided parts? Tell us all about ‘em! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

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About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.