Sunday, October 04, 2009

Linda's funeral was Thursday. Another member of our tiny group has moved on. I don't really know what to say except that it's so hard to see them go. They are out of pain and they are better off, but to know that they fought so hard to be here, and to miss them so much- sometimes it's hard to remember that there's a reason for everything, I guess. Or it's just plain hard to believe it.

I guess Bobby realized what was going on, too, and he was kind enough to plan a little out of town day trip to, what I realize now, force me into giving myself a day off. I spent most of the day in the hotel room just watching movies and relaxing. I shopped a little and napped a little, and we had a wonderful meal. It was nice to get a change of scenery, and the silence and time alone (while B went and did his own thing) was pretty awesome. I've been alternating not being able to sleep with doing nothing but sleeping and eating and not much else since early last week. A lot of eating. Like I think I might have to add on to the warehouse soon. I guess the fatigue is a touch of depression, but I'm just taking it as it comes right now. I'm functioning, I mean. I'm going to work, and such, but I'm also aware that my heart really isn't in it.

I'm taking care of myself, which feels a little weird and a little selfish. I'm learning to say no and I've been doing a pretty good job of it this week. And I'm making an effort to just be aware and be as unjudging as possible about my feelings. I just allow myself to feel whatever is there, and sometimes I cry, or I bargain, or I get angry, or I feel numb. And I just try to be with that until a new feeling comes along. I'm aware enough to know that I'm hurting and healing at the same time, and I'm also being a complete slacker, which doesn't feel so bad. It's actually kinda nice to just be doing this, and not fighting it. This is the healthiest grieving I've ever done. I actually feel like I'm going to survive.

I have a lot to reveal about the recent turn of events and what I've discovered about myself in the midst, but I just have no energy for it right now. Soon, though, I promise I'll share. Cross my heart.

Hopefully I can pull out of this funk and get some of my energy back soon. But just so you know, I'm okay. You may want to keep that Volkswagen-sized Red Bull around for me, just in case, though. Back away slowly, and avoid eye contact.

Imerman Angels

In Loving Memory of

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.- Henri Nouwen