This takes place
shortly after the events of Epiphany. Spoilers for everything up
through Epiphany, but especially 38Minutes and Conversion.

Memories or
Nightmares – Chapter 1

Sheppard tilted
his cup forward and peered at the dregs floating in the last of his
coffee. "Guess I'm done," he muttered. He stood up and gathered
his silverware back onto the food tray.

Rodney McKay
looked up at Sheppard. "Where are you off to in such a hurry?"

"I've got to
do orientation for a couple of new guys, replacements that came in
with the Daedalus the other day. Teyla, are we still on for 1100?"

Teyla smiled and
nodded. "Yes, if you are sure you will be finished with your duties
by then."

Sheppard nodded.
"Oh, I'll be done by then. We may not be finished, but I'll be
done and ready for a workout."

McKay laughed.
"What's the matter, Colonel? Being a tour guide not your thing?"

"Not
especially. I thought about having Major Lorne do the honors, but
he's off world until this afternoon, leaving me with the pleasure."

"Hey,
Sheppard, I can help if you want," offered Ronon.

Sheppard
grinned. "Tempting offer, but I'd better pass. I probably
shouldn't scare them to death on their first day of duty in
Atlantis. See you guys later." Sheppard put his tray up and walked
out of the mess hall, trying to muster some enthusiasm for his
'Welcome to Atlantis' speech.

oOo

Mark Simpson
crossed his arms and shook his head. "I'm just saying, this does
not sound like a smart thing to do on your first day. You'll
be in the brig by noon."

Jack Kramer
sighed loudly. "You are such a wet blanket, you know that? It's
just a harmless prank. It'll break the ice and everyone can have a
good laugh."

"What if
Colonel Sheppard doesn't think it's funny? If the man really is
afraid of bugs, then he is so going to nail you. I can't
believe you're going to do this, he's a Lt. Colonel for crying
out loud!"

"Look, the
guys on the Daedalus just said he didn't like bugs, not necessarily
that he is afraid of them. It's not like this thing looks real.
Who's ever seen a bug this big?" Kramer nodded towards a large,
black, plastic bug that was almost a foot long. He turned the
creature over in his hand, observing the red belly and the spidery
looking legs. "No one would ever believe this was real."

Simpson looked
up at the door. "Crap, he's coming. Put that thing away."

Kramer hid the
bug behind his back as he moved over to stand beside Simpson.

Sheppard
plastered on his best welcome smile as he strode into the armory. He
immediately saw the two airmen waiting on him. He opened his mouth to
speak to them when a flash of movement startled him. Almost instantly
a large, black bug appeared in his face and he instinctively batted
it away, drawing his gun in one fluid motion. He was ready to fire
about the time the large creature hit the floor when he realized
something wasn't right. He paused and looked at the insect, lying
perfectly still on the floor. He slowly walked over to it, his 9mm
never wavering from its target. He knew he'd been had even before
he heard the snickers or kicked the bug with his foot, revealing its
plastic nature.

He took in a
long, slow breath as he focused on not letting his hand shake as he
holstered his sidearm and picked up the plastic bug, the laughter in
his ears sounding almost distant. Reaching up, he rubbed his neck
with his right hand as he held the bug in the left. He swallowed
hard, his stomach knotted and heavy, and finally looked up at the two
men. One was still laughing, while the other looked a little shell
shocked.

"Who's
responsible for this?" he demanded, his voice firm and hard.

Kramer stopped
laughing, but the smile lingered. "Oh, come on. You're not mad
are you? It was just a joke."

Sheppard glared
at the man. "It was just a joke, sir, and I'll take that
as a confession. You are . . . ?"

Kramer sighed
again. "Airman First Class Jack Kramer, sir."

Sheppard looked
at the other man. "You must be Simpson. Were you part of this?"

"Yes, sir . .
. I mean no, sir . . . I mean I am Simpson, sir."

"He wasn't
involved, sir," said Kramer. "He tried to talk me out of it. I'm
sorry, it was just supposed to be a little joke."

Sheppard stood
looking at the two for several seconds, letting them wonder about
what would happen next. "I'm assuming from your asinine attempt
at levity that neither of you actually know what an iratus bug is?"

He stared at the
two hapless airmen who were definitely starting to pale under his
stony glare. "Simpson, you're dismissed for now. Kramer, follow
me." He turned and walked out of the armory.

Kramer looked
forlornly at Simpson. "I'm so dead," he said as he followed
Sheppard.

Simpson just
shook his head. "I tried to tell you, but you never listen."

Sheppard walked
briskly to the conference room just off the control room, Kramer
struggling to keep up. His jaw was set and his face grim as he told
himself to be calm over and over.

Weir saw him
coming as she stood talking to one of the techs in the control room.
"Good morning . . . Colonel?" Sheppard flew by her as if he
hadn't even seen her. She didn't miss the tension in his face or
the worried expression of the young airman that followed him. She
exchanged a glance with the tech she'd been talking to.

"I'd hate to
be in that guy's shoes," he mumbled.

Sheppard led
Kramer into the conference room and pointed to the table. "Sit down
and don't move."

If there was a
record for the quickest time to sit down at a table then Kramer had
surely given it a run for its money. He sat stiffly, as close to
being at attention as he could while being seated. Sheppard
wordlessly spun on his heel and left the room, only to reappear a few
minutes later. He threw two folders on the table and they slid across
to stop just in front of Kramer.

"Read those.
I'll be back shortly and I am sure I don't need to impress upon
you that it would be in your best interests to still be here Airman
Kramer." Sheppard turned and left, closing the door behind him,
not bothering to wait for a response. The startled look on the young
man's face told Sheppard he more than had his full and undivided
attention.

Kramer gingerly
opened the first folder and began to read the report of how Jumper
One had been stuck in the stargate while trying to get Sheppard back
to Atlantis, a giant bug firmly attached to his neck. Kramer had a
sinking feeling that he'd made a huge mistake. Especially when he
turned the final page of the report only to be shocked even further
by the images of his CO's neck in shocking technicolor. His
stomach turned as he read the CMO's detailed footnotes.

"Way to go
Jack ol' boy – trust you to totally shoot yourself in the foot,"
he mumbled to himself, swallowing hard, his stomach threatening to
betray him.

oOo

When Sheppard
left the conference room, he headed for his quarters. He was totally
unaware of the people he passed in the hall, wanting nothing more
than to be alone as quickly as possible. He almost ran into his
quarters when he arrived and immediately began pacing around the
room, absently rubbing first his neck and then his arm. He felt the
fear and panic rising within him and he desperately tried to push it
back down.

He walked into
the bathroom and looked in the mirror. "See, no bug on your neck,
so just calm down." He looked down at his right forearm. He thought
he could still see a hint of blue, but that could be his imagination.
"There are no bugs, there are no bugs. This is so stupid!" He
paced back out into the main room, lecturing himself on how silly the
whole thing was. He almost had his heart rate back to normal when
there was a knock on the door.

"John? Are you
in there?" More knocking. "John, are you all right?"

Sheppard took a
deep breath and opened the door. Elizabeth stood there, worry lines
creasing her forehead.

"John, are you
okay?"

Sheppard stepped
back to let her in. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why? What made you think I
wasn't?"

Weir stepped
into Sheppard's quarters and turned to face him. "You looked very
upset just now and you didn't even notice when I spoke to you.
What's wrong?"

"Um, sorry
Elizabeth, just busy, I probably didn't hear you," he tried to
placate her. He stopped when she raised her hand quietly.

"C'mon John.
How long have we known each other now? Are we really going to do
this dance again?"

Sheppard walked
across the room and paced back and forth a couple of times, still
rubbing his neck, and then stopped to face her. "I guess you'll
hear about it sooner or later."

She lifted one
eyebrow and Sheppard smiled momentarily at the characteristic
expression.

"What
will I hear about?" She stepped up closer to him and gently but
firmly pulled his hand away from his neck.

Sheppard was a
little dismayed - he hadn't even been aware that he had been
rubbing his neck. "I went to give an orientation to two new airmen.
One of them thought it'd be funny to throw a big, plastic bug at
me. Elizabeth, I almost the shotthe thing. I'm sure
he can't wait to tell everyone that their CO is scared to death of
bugs. Should do a lot for me in the respect department."

"Why did you
lock him in the conference room?"

"I didn't
lock him in. I just gave him a couple of incident reports to
read and told him to stay there until I got back."

"And I'm
betting I can guess which reports they were." She nodded knowingly.
"John, everyone that was here during those incidents knows how
serious they were and how close to dying you came both times. No one
is going to lose respect for you."

Sheppard looked
down and walked across the room, facing the wall. "Not everyone was
here, not with the Daedalus bringing new people all the time. The new
guys, they won't understand. No one really can."

Elizabeth walked
up behind him and put her hand on his arm, pulling him around to face
her. "Those of us that count have a pretty good idea. We know how
scary it was from our end. Trust me, it's not something I'll ever
be able to forget. Yours was a natural reaction and I don't want
you second guessing yourself. I am, however, a little worried about
how you are handling it now. Maybe you should talk to Kate."

Sheppard shook
his head. "I talked to her after both incidents, thanks to you, and
I don't need to go back. Look, it shook me up a little, but I'm
okay now. I need to go back and talk to Kramer. I need to wrap this
up once and for all."

"All right,
I'll take your word for that. Mind if I walk back with you?"

Sheppard let out
a deep breath and smiled as he held out his arm. "I'd be
delighted, ma'am."

oOo

Sheppard walked
into the conference room a few minutes later and sat on the edge of
the table. He was a little relieved to find Kramer looking
embarrassed. Maybe there was hope for the young airman yet.

"Have you had
enough time to thoroughly familiarize yourself with the contents of
the files?" asked Sheppard.

"Yes, sir and
. . . I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know. I was just . . . I was just
being an idiot." Kramer could feel the angry blush starting to work
up his throat. God, he hadn't felt this humiliated since, well, it
had been a long time.

Sheppard allowed
himself a small smile. "I am curious about one thing. Why did
you pull that little stunt, anyway? Do you always make a habit of
pulling potentially career ending pranks on your new CO?"

Kramer felt his
face flush even more furiously, if that was even possible. His heart
was hammering in his chest. "I am . . . a bit of a prankster, sir,
and I had heard from some of the men leaving on the Daedalus that you
didn't like bugs. I had that big plastic one and it just seemed
like a good idea – at least it seemed like a good idea at the
time." Kramer looked down at the table, rubbing his finger on the
edge of the folder.

"And I'm
assuming that your informer didn't happen to apprise you of exactly
why I don't like bugs?"

"No, sir.
Guess I should have taken the time to find out."

"Yes – you
should have. Sometimes people have very legitimate reasons for their
fears, and that applies even more so here in the Pegasus Galaxy.
You've got a lot to learn, Kramer, and if you are actually willing
to listen to the right information and even learn from
your mistakes, it might just keep you alive out here."

Sheppard sat
looking at the man for several seconds. The kid did look genuinely
sorry and more than just a bit scared. Good. He sighed loudly, solely
for the airman in front of him.

"Okay, you're
dismissed. You and Simpson are to report back to the armory at 1400
hours and we'll try the orientation again. Need I remind you that
if any bugs do happen to appear - that someone is going to
get hurt this time. Do I make myself clear, Airman?"

"Yes, sir,"
Kramer said sharply. He stood and saluted. Sheppard returned the
salute and the young soldier left.

Sheppard just
shook his head. "I'm getting too old for this crap."

oOo

"Ow!"
Sheppard rubbed the back of his leg as Teyla circled him.

"You have not
been practicing." She smiled as she twirled the stick in her right
hand, never taking her eyes off Sheppard.

"Hey, in my
defense, I was unable to practice for six months. That takes a little
bit of catching up. And don't tell me it was just a few hours
because it was still six months for me."

Teyla narrowed
her eyes. "You have been back for several weeks now. You are making
excuses, Colonel."

Sheppard
adjusted his grip on his sticks. "Okay, so I haven't had time to
practice lately. You could take it easy on me."

Teyla smiled
again. "But then you would not learn." As soon as she finished
speaking, she advanced on him. He matched her, blow for blow, for a
while. Eventually, however, she moved quickly to one side, coming up
to smack him in the back of the thigh, just below his butt.

"Teyla?"
Sheppard rubbed his leg, wincing.

Teyla dropped
her arms to her sides. "We are finished, Colonel. You are not
concentrating. You are unfocused and I do not want to hurt you."

"A little late
for that," he muttered.

Teyla put her
sticks down and drank from her water bottle. She then wiped her face
with a towel. "Is anything wrong, Colonel? You seem . . . off
today."

Sheppard wiped
the sweat from his face and neck, shivering as the rough towel rubbed
the spot on his neck where the iratus bug had attached itself. It had
been over a year and the spot still felt tender, as if it had only
finished healing a few days ago.

"Colonel?"

Sheppard looked
up to see Teyla staring at him, worry darkening her eyes. He smiled.
"Sorry, guess I let my mind wander for a minute. I'm fine, Teyla.
Just a bit distracted by the new guys. You know how it is."

Teyla nodded,
not looking convinced. "Very well. Would you like to practice again
tomorrow? Perhaps your concentration will be better."

"Yeah, I'd
like that. Same bat time, same bat channel?"

Teyla frowned at
him. "What is a bat?"

Sheppard just
grinned. "Never mind. I'll meet you here at the same time
tomorrow."

oOo

The pain was
incredible, taking his breath away. The bug was heavy against his
neck and he could feel the blood, sticky and wet, between his skin
and the creature. He couldn't do this again. He clawed at the bug,
desperately trying to pull it off his neck, feeling as though he was
choking.

Sheppard sat
straight up in bed, awakened by his own yell. He sat panting in the
darkness, listening to his heart beat wildly in his chest. Slowly he
felt the panic start to die down and his breathing began to slow. He
wiped the sweat from his face and rubbed his hand across his neck. It
came away wet and he realized his neck was burning.

He staggered
into the bathroom, feeling sick to his stomach, and turned on the
light. Blinking heavily as his eyes adjusted, he felt around and
grabbed a rag, wetting it under the flow of water in the sink. He
stared at his reflection in the mirror. The right side of his neck
and the upper part of his t-shirt were covered with blood. He gently
dabbed the wet rag against his throbbing neck until much of the blood
had been soaked up. Several long, jagged cuts ran down the side of
his neck, still oozing blood. He stared at the blood on his neck,
still not quite believing it until it suddenly occurred to him what
had happened. He looked down and was disconcerted to see the blood
and skin caked beneath his fingernails.

He had been
subject to nightmares quite often over the last few years, but he'd
never actually injured himself during one. It scared him to think he
had torn his neck up like this and that it had not even awakened him.
He scrubbed his hands, rinsed out the bloody rag, and dabbed his neck
again. It was still bleeding and it hurt like a son of a gun and he
didn't have so much as a band-aide. Looked like he was going to the
infirmary and he had no idea how he was going to explain this mess.

TBC

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