Thursday, December 17, 2015

Stanton Friedman Reveals Global Warming Cure in Time for X'mas

Highly Advanced, Non-Humans Responsible for Rescuing Earth from the Earthlings!

SPI ATLANTA, GA - A recent re-evaluation of the evidence for global warming has revealed the existence of a previously unknown factor responsible for massive, planetary temperature manipulation throughout the 20th century that is still active today. These conclusions were released this morning in a new report issued by the Earth Science Evaluation Committee (ESEC), an organization co-chaired by UFO scientist Stanton Friedman and fellow UFO researcher Kevin Randle. According to Friedman, their analysis of the collated data "also passes any number of Occam's Razor tests that debunkers and skeptics have been using for years to discount the volumes of evidence supporting the E.T. hypothesis as a valid explanation for UFO phenomena world-wide."

ESEC is a group of researchers and scientists formed to re-evaluate the application of human science with the intent of discovering non-human interference with the otherwise natural progression of life on Earth. Those associated with the group have been quietly analyzing all manner of scientific data, confident that doing so will eventually reveal the presence of highly advanced, non-human life on Earth, either in our history or still active today. This is the first case-study the group has ever released, although in the past they have been responsible for numerous informal, albeit enthusiastic, efforts intended to prove alien responsibility for a number of incidents in Roswell, New Mexico and surrounding areas.

Stanton Friedman, the unofficial spokesman for the group, clearly relished his joint role as both scientist and author behind the rare, irrefutable nature of the evidence he and Kevin Randle presented to the assembled journalists and scientists in attendance. "We have discovered an evaluated precipitation-based event commonly characterized by condensate crystallization that could not possibly occur in nature and in accordance with the laws of known physics. And yet it does occur in nearly every known environment of our planet. It has been widely observed and quantified, and yet it cannot be explained at all under the current guidelines of known science. There is no doubt about our findings. I challenge anyone to refute these claims once they've examined the strength of the evidence that we've collected and are now prepared to make public."

UFO researcher Kevin Randle was equally enthusiastic about the data. "It is quite remarkably a temperature associated phenomena that we are at a loss to explain with any scientific precision. In fact, the only explanation that our researchers and scientists have been able to formulate under our current understanding and the protocols we use to address such issues dictates that this phenomenon could only have originated from off planet. The characteristics that we've observed are clearly alien. It's - it's ... just unbelievable. And yet, it's true!"

Friedman stated that he first observed the phenomenon while examining a number of photographic images originally introduced on the internet by Google-Earth, one of the newer technological tools that were achieved only after the internet dictated the urgent need for such tools by researchers and scientists world-wide. "I was asked to voice an opinion in regard to an anomaly that was originally interpreted as the possible resting place of Noah's Ark. And while that aspect of the photographic evidence was, and still is, very interesting, particularly to a layman, what I saw surrounding the area was just stunning -- it was amazing!"

In an obviously prepared aside intended to indicate the joint nature of the press conference and the once and future partnership of the two UFO investigators, Kevin Randle took up the torch for another run at the credibility of the newly formed Evaluation Committee: "Unless you've actually been off planet in either a rocket or one of the space shuttles, you can't possibly understand the character of Stanton's amazement. He immediately called me up and directed my attention to the URL he was asked to examine. And I freaked. There's really no other way to describe what I was feeling. I freaked."

"It was like fresh, white baby powder that was ... it was everywhere!" Friedman continued. "It looked like white powder. I knew we had to go on scene and collect some samples. That alone took us a couple of weeks, partly because the location was almost on top of the border between Russia and Turkey, and partly because Randle here has a weird military spook background that even Canada would have looked a little askance at!"

"I didn't hide anything from those bozos -- they just don't like Americans on a mission. As things turned out, we really didn't have to bother. We could have reached the same conclusions just outside of Denver! And not Bob Denver -- we're talking Denver Denver."

"You can hush now, Kevin. This is the scientific part of the news. Okay, I got tons of samples, but when I got back to the helicopters, all of my samples had turned into water. That's right, ordinary H2O! I felt like I was at the Wedding in Cana, except Jesus was turning baking powder into water. And that's when we made the discovery that this white stuff was a temperature associated phenomenon. When the temperature got high enough, it turned into water! And it didn't even have to get that high -- 33 degrees Fahrenheit, and you're gonna get wet!

Stanton Friedman gets all wet!

"Just on a hunch, I started measuring out the amount of water we were getting out of the amount of cold white powder we were collecting, and made the single most important discovery of the year and possibly my life. We always ended up with substantially less water than we should have been getting. Now you know how molecules work, right? The lower the temperature, the tighter the molecules get in relation to each other. They get closer together when they get cold, and they get further apart when they get warm. That's why steam drifts away! The molecules are getting further apart the higher you raise the temperature. But not with this stuff. When you freeze this stuff, when you make it really cold, that's when it expands -- it's as if the molecules are getting further apart! They spread apart and take up more space the colder you make the environment!"

Kevin Randle was equally amazed. "This is what convinced us there was something really spooky-strange going on. This cold, crystalline powder was behaving exactly the opposite of what we would normally expect. We went back to Google Earth and discovered that this white powdery stuff was EVERYWHERE. We honestly couldn't believe it. Look, you guys know how every mathematical examination of the universe suggests the existence of a gravity-based matter-typical phenomena called 'dark matter'. This is a hypothetical class of matter that can't be seen, has yet to be observed, and yet accounts for almost all of the matter in the entire universe. Its existence and some of its theorized properties can be inferred from its very specific gravitational effects on all other forms of matter and radiation, but we know next to nothing about it, except that it's out there. Well, now we know that there's a collateral type of matter that is just as mysterious and just as impossible to understand, and it'sright here on Earth. It's what Stanton and I call 'white matter'. And it is EVERYWHERE! Being a low-temperature phenomenon, we can find a whole lot of this stuff on mountains -- all kinds of mountains! But we can also track its movements across glacial fields, at the polar regions, or absolutely anywhere that reflects a negative temperature gradient less than 32 degrees Fahrenheit!"

"I told Kevin at that very moment that we were all the way through the looking glass on this one!" added Friedman. "The properties we've already collated are just insane. When you make something colder, when you freeze it, you're essentially applying pressure to the molecules, forcing them closer together -- that's what freezing does! But with this 'white matter' the normal rules of common physics just don't work. You can put a whole ocean full of pressure on this stuff, and it stays a liquid! Good, God, it's amazing! You can apply enough pressure to turn coal dust into diamonds with this 'white matter', and you can do it at temperatures of minus dozens of degrees Fahrenheit, and it stays a liquid. But as soon as you dump out the pressure and give it a little extra room to expand in, it goes solid again. I swear, I was stunned the first time I saw it! It was crazy time, and the clowns were dancing like little hippies around us!"

Kevin Randle Freaks in public!

The crowd at the press conference laughed when Kevin Randle interrupted his mentor with "let's not go too far, Stanton! 'White matter' can speak for itself, but clowns scare the Hell out of me!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but sometimes I'm a little over-enthusiastic, I admit. But this time -- wow! Look, folks, whenever you freeze something, it tends to get a little heavier, and that's because you've got more molecules being forced into a smaller space. You're putting a double-cheeseburger into a pita pie sandwich! But with this stuff, when it goes solid, it floats on water! And if you force it to the bottom of the ocean, under huge amounts of pressure, it turns into a liquid again. It's like freaking miracle juice! And we don't know where it's from!"

"And that's when we knew it couldn't have come from Earth," volunteered Randle. "It was a little odd that this white manna from heaven appeared so suddenly at the same point in human history as the global warming phenomenon. After all, the primary character of 'white matter' is its temperature gradient. The colder it gets, the more of it there is. That's why we're convinced that 'white matter' is Earth's off planet medication that's intended to solve the global warming crisis, this apathetic disease that's getting increasingly worse and starting to kill the Earth all the faster. With this stuff, it lowers the temperature at every location we've examined, just like baby aspirin. And the faster that environmental temperature falls, the lower the temperature associated with this 'white matter' eventually gets -- just like Advil working on a fever."

Friedman made his suspicions very clear. "My friends, the Earth is under medical care for global warming, and it isn't humanity that's providing the medication. And I'm sure you all know exactly what that means. A highly advanced, non-human presence is repairing what we, in our quickening pride and ruination, have been unconsciously destroying throughout our entire existence. Gods or aliens, whatever you want to call them, have come to save our precious planet Earth, while we continue to murder and rape and pillage each other to Hell. We should be desperately ashamed of ourselves, and thankful that someone out there in the nothingness of space actually cares for our sorry butts.

"I am absolutely convinced that the environmental effects of this treatment that we've documented will eventually make global warming and the damage that it's inflicting on our little blue planet a thing of the past. The doctor is definitively in, and he's making house calls across the entire planet!"

"We've observed first hand this unorthodox treatment," chimed in Randle. "This white powder just falls out of the sky. It appears from the dark clouds as if by magic! But there's nothing up there producing it -- it's like it appears from nothing. This white powder just materializes in the sky, as if it's been transported from whatever source that creates it. And it falls and drifts everywhere once it's been actualized. It is still a slave to gravity."

Stanton Friedman, the first scientist to closely examine "white matter", enthusiastically described the fruits of his close scrutiny. "We knew right off that it was unique -- something truly astounding was going on. But we didn't know how truly unique this stuff was until we were finally able to get some of it to a laboratory while it was still in a solid state. Once we got a good look at it, it revealed a number of very mysterious qualities that we never would have suspected. Under a microscope, we observed that the white powder was not actually white at all -- it was colorless, like glass. And the tiny flakes of powder that we examined were truly remarkable. What we thought was a single flake was actually a series of tiny crystalline structures that bonded together to give it the illusion of 'whiteness'. They were all made up of these tiny crystals. But that wasn't the half of it! These tiny crystalline structures were truly unique -- not one of them was exactly like another! Every single structure was unique of itself. You couldn't find even two of these crystals that were alike. Every single, tiny, crystalline flake was completely different from every other tiny, crystalline flake! But when you raised the temperature of the environment above 32 degrees Fahrenheit, every unique structure turned to molecules of water that were identical! Every molecule of water was exactly like every other molecule of water. In an instant, each unique crystalline structure, every one different from every other, immediately became identical to each other, just like it was normal tap water. They all looked exactly the same. Suddenly unique, then suddenly the same. Unique. The same. Unique. The same. It was unprecedented. It was astounding!"

News of the recent discoveries made by the Earth Science Evaluation Committee (ESEC) was immediately disseminated by the various press associations and wire services. NASA withheld its opinions on the issue, but stated that it would examine the evidence and issue its own report at a later date after conferring with colleagues. Their response, however, made it clear that NASA suspected the issue would ultimately resolve itself after the ESEC report was examined and analyzed under a more insistent meteorological bias.

A relatively large number of University-based groups and science-related organizations made the same general announcements as NASA. They expressed little surprise, and seemed more embarrassed than anything else, although for whom is still under wraps at this early point. Stanton Friedman expressed his confidence that the evidence and his interpretation of that evidence would withstand any examination by any group giving it a fair assessment. This comment, one witness to the announcement stated, resulted in a lot of eye rolling, a few shrugs, and some uncomfortable laughter. Friedman apparently failed to note this, and made no further comments. Kevin Randle's response to the uncomfortable silence was, however, immediate. He slinked off stage to the left and promptly disappeared with a nervous smile.

Many groups and individuals, however, felt there was no need to examine the evidence any further, and there were, as a result, a number of public responses expressed through the various news outlets. By far the most energetic of these were pronounced by Republican political candidates, particularly Texas Senator and current GOP Presidential candidate Ted Cruz, who released the following statement within minutes of the ESEC revelations:

"There is only one logical response that can be made here: most of this is just plain hogwash. I have a great deal of respect for Mr. Stanton Friedman, but it's difficult to reconcile this Canadian's many past achievements with these recent discoveries that he has made public, or at least his analysis of these matters. I agree that there is something genuinely mysterious going on here, but it has nothing at all to do with global warming. Global warming does not exist -- it is merely an invented hoax perpetrated by liberals and propagated by the press -- a hoax intended to bring low the fortunes and the associated power of a number of great American corporations. What unions have been unable to secure from these corporations, the invention of global warming is meant to ultimately achieve. There is absolutely nothing here that can be associated with this flim-flam of global warming, so I believe it's necessary to reevaluate these discoveries. I have no desire to take away the importance of these issues from Mr. Friedman or Mr. Randle, but I believe they may have misinterpreted the motivation behind the possibly alien production of this 'white matter'. This great nation needs to ask itself what purpose could there possibly be in the production of this odd material suddenly spreading like ice cold rain across our great, world-class planet. The fact is, we just do not know, and in our ignorance, we should definitely be afraid."

Senator Cruz invents cure for fear!

In a telephone interview initiated by "The Saucerologist" with Senator Cruz shortly after he released his statement, the Texas Senator proceeded to introduce his great cure for all things frightening. "There is only one way to combat the unknown, and that is to get rid of the yellow spines currently legislating in Congress, and by that, I mean the Democrat threat to our freedom. They seem to forget that we have a great nation that needs to be protected, and if our great populace elects me as the next President, I will pledge to bring about the only sure fire way to combat what is today an unknown enemy. My intention is to cut the United States' defense budget by 65%, and to use the money we will save to purchase millions of guns. It was made clear to me this very day that to survive this new century we live in, we must arm every able-bodied man in the United States, and women too if they can prove that they know how to use such advanced weaponry. We need to put a gun in every American's hand, and maybe the women and children, too, although I'm certainly willing to discuss the matter if the GOP and NRA as a whole disagree in regard to arming women and children. With a gun in every home, no nation, and no nation of terrorists would ever dare to attack us, because we would have essentially fulfilled the American dream of an armed militia in every neighborhood! No one would screw with us, not even aliens in flying saucers. And any money at all that's left over from the great American gun buy could then be funneled into our intelligence community, and they would be given the job of determining what threat, if any, this newly discovered 'white matter' may hold for our future. And if we determine that there is a well-defined threat to our national sovereignty, we would absolutely destroy that threat right after we rid the world of ISIS!

"65% of our defense budget represents the key to an American future -- a future characterized by a gun in every home, and maybe a couple of missiles in every neighborhood. The richest nation on Earth could certainly afford to buy the safety and the supremacy that this country of ours deserves! And if the Democrat tree-huggin' presence in Congress and California doesn't like it, well, to paraphrase the one-time Queen of France, 'let them eat bacon -- machine gun cooked bacon!' Heh heh, heh! And I ain't kiddin'."

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