Friday, May 23, 2008

"Devon." I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. "I just emailed you. I-" He stepped back and looked around. With a puzzled look on his face, he turned back to me. "Yup, this is my place. What the hell are you doing in there?""I had to -"He held up his hands. "You know what Janie, I really don't care. Just go.""But we have so much to say and..." I trailed off as a tiny blonde appeared at Devon's side. I watched in horror as she wrapped her arm around him and smiled sweetly at me. I thought I was going to be sick. "Go inside," he told her. "What are you doing?" I barely was able to ask him after the chick went inside. "I thought..." "You thought what Janie? That I would keep coming back after you shut me out over and over again?"I stared at him. "Yeah," I shrugged. "Silly me, I thought you actually cared about me." He sighed. "Janie...""Go to hell Devon." I pushed passed him. "Just take the blonde ride, she'll get you there." I started to walk away when I remembered something. Turning around, I forced myself to meet his eyes. "I wrote you an email. I didn't know how to reach you but I figured that you would at least check your email sometime.""What did you say?"I chuckled sadly. "I said that I was searching for something." I took a step closer to him. "I wrote that I wanted you to love me and want to be with me because -" It hurt, telling him this when I knew that he had given up on me already. The proof was making herself comfortable in his living room as we spoke. "I love you Devon.""Janie," he reached for me. "No," I waved my hands in front of me as I tried not to let my emotions get the best of me. "It's just not meant to be, you and me. Maybe it's time we both realized it and stopped fooling ourselves into thinking that we could ever be anything more." He moved closer to me. "We keep hurting each other Devon. Since the moment we met, we traded insults and avoided letting our true feelings guide us."His hands circled around my hips. "I don't want to hurt you," he whispered as he pulled me close. "I know," I pressed my hands against his chest. "Just like I don't want to hurt you Devon. But we do, we hurt each other and -" I looked over his shoulder at the blonde as she stood in the doorway, watching us. "She's just proof of that."He didn't even bother to look over his shoulder. "If I was alone, would you be saying this? If I told you nothing has happened? No," he shook his head. "I swear nothing has happened. I just got back to town and I know this looks bad but I -"I covered his mouth. "It doesn't matter Devon, nothing is ever going to change, no matter how we feel."Devon pulled my hand away. "I don't believe that Janie. I believe people can change, if they couldn't, then what is it I'm going through?""Hormones?" I joked. "I'm serious Janie.""But you haven't changed Devon, I thought you did but she's proof that you haven't. If you did, she wouldn't be here with you, no matter if anything happened or not."The blonde came out of his place. "Nothing has happened between us," she told me. "Devon never even gave me the time of day before I ran into him tonight.""It doesn't matter why or how -""Why not?" She asked me. "Because you are too stupid to give him a chance?""You don't know anything about us, so why don't you just shut up."She shrugged and then smiled. "If you are letting him go, the whole female population of this town will love you for it.""Well the whole female population can take a flying leap for all I care, this isn't about them!""But we still thank you," she turned to Devon. "I'll be inside - waiting for you." She gave me a look, as if she would stick her tongue out at me if she could've gotten away with it. "Well," I flashed him a fake smile. "I better go so you can get started on pleasing the rest of the female population.""Hey!" He grabbed my arm. "If you are walking away from me Janie, do it because you don't love me and don't want to be with me, not because you think I care what any other woman wants from me.""Says the man who has one of those chicks in his living room." I patted his arm. "Do whatever you want Devon.""Ok." I blinked, I didn't expect him to agree that quickly. "Oh, ok. I'll be going now. Bye.""No, not bye." He turned around and shut his front door. "Can I go with you?" He took my hand. "I want to go with you."I hesitated. I knew this was it. If I walked away from him, it would be over. If I walked away with him, we had a chance to really see how we could be together. I thought about all the times in the past that he hurt me and I thought about what it was like without him. I knew that I could walk away and still go on, I was strong enough to make it over him. I knew what I had to do.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

From: Janie MillierTo: Devon StoweSubject:You would think that it would be easy, writing the man you love an email to tell him how much you want him to come home but things are never easy when I'm involved; I make it difficult.Then again, it's always been difficult between us. I stepped off the curb, engrossed in the shopping bag that I was carrying. I had just gotten my first paycheck from my horrible waitress job and the first thing on my 'must have' list was a new pair of sneakers so I could hit the walking trail that ran down by the lake in town. I wasn't paying attention, I didn't notice that the little walking guy had stopped flashing. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flashy red sports car at the same moment I heard the screeching sound of its breaks. "Hey! You! Get the hell out of the street!" The most gorgeous guy I've ever seen leaned out of the drivers' window. He was so hot, I almost tripped over my feet - that is, until he opened his mouth again. "Your corner is that way!"I gasped. Sure, I wasn't dressed completely innocently but I'll be damned if I looked like a streetwalker. So me, being the classy broad that I am, I smacked my hand on the hood of his car and yelled, "Why don't you take your 'tiny dick' car and shove it up your ass, prick!""Oh Sweetheart, is that the best you can do?" He yelled after me as I turned, and with my nose in the air, I walked away. His engine revved. The moment I was out of the way of his car, he stomped on the gas and sped away. Later that night, I was in Amber's room with her getting ready for some party that her new boyfriend, Reed was throwing out at the lake. I was in mid rant about the asshole that almost ran me down when Amber laid down her brush and stared at me. "Janie, do you hear yourself? You walked out into the street, he didn't do it on purpose.""Oh sure, take his side in this!" "For the love of God Janie!" Amber scoffed. "I don't even know the guy - hot guy - doesn't actually tell me anything about him.""Oh who cares?" I gave her a look. "So when are you going to tell me about all of Reed's hot friends? Who should I be looking to hook up with?"Amber shook her head and chuckled. "Well there's Devon, he's kinda cute.""Devon?" I raised a brow. "Sounds hot. Single?"She screwed up her face and shrugged. "It's hard to tell with Devon - he loves women.""Ohh," I grinned. "Sounds like my kinda guy - the non serious type.""Uh-huh," Amber shook her head. "Finding a serious guy isn't that horrible Janie.""No," I agreed. "But Reed is already taken."Amber scoffed and batted at me. "There are other men out there you know.""Like Devon!" I didn't know at the time that my psycho near hit and run driver was Devon and let me tell you, I wasn't too happy when I found out."You!" "Well, well, well..." he took a sip of his beer. I turned towards Amber. "That's the jerk!""Hey!" Devon frowned. "I'm not the one who jumped out into traffic!" "Whatever!" I rolled my eyes. "Why don't you -""Take my 'tiny dick' car and shove it up my ass?" He raised a brow as he smirked. Some chick came over to us and wrapped herself around Devon. "Baby," she whined. "I thought you were getting me a drink?" She gave me a dirty look. "Lowering your standards Dev?" Devon left with her shortly after but before he did, he leaned in and whispered. "My cock is anything but tiny Sweetheart." He pulled back and grinned down at me. "Maybe, if I'm feeling charitable, I'll give you a ride one day.""Maybe," I smiled sweetly. "But I'm not that desperate."As you all know I was forced to eat those words, time and time again. And to tell the truth, I'm not the least bit sorry about it. Of all the men that I've gone out with, Devon was the one who got me the most. And he loved me. My eyes went back to Devon's laptop sitting on the table in front of me. Enough of this, I grabbed the laptop and put my fingers to the keys. Subject: A Few Words Too ManyDevon, I wish that I could go back and tell you what I was thinking the night that Amber called us to let us know about Reed. I've gone over it so many times and I get to the point where I said, 'with Alexis gone, you would have no reason to stay,' and my heart aches. I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I know this is going to sound crazy but I was searching for something when I said that and I guarantee you it wasn't for you to leave town. I wanted you to tell me that you loved me and you wanted to be with me. Because Devon, I love you and I want to be with you. There's nothing else I can say. I love you. I miss you. Please come home so I can tell you to your face. JanieI brought the mouse pointer to the send button and I paused. I won't lie, I thought about deleting it but in the end, I closed my eyes and clicked 'send'. Before the heartache set in, I closed out the window and closed his laptop. Darkness surrounded me as I made my way to the front door.

I pulled the door opened and was about to go through it. "Oh!" I exclaimed as my heart leapt into my throat.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I'm sure there are people who don't think I have the right to be but I'm worried about Devon. Yes, I feel solely responsible for his disappearing. How could I not? I keep thinking if I was honest with him in the beginning and told him that I was weary about being with him again after all that had happened, then maybe he would've understood that my comments weren't meant to say that he didn't have anything to stick around for. I really believe I was asking him if he had anything to stick around for. Because hearing him say that he loved me and wanted to be with me wasn't hint enough that I meant anything to him.

Like I said, I'm an idiot.

Amber, Reed and Kelly have all asked me time and time again if I knew were Devon was or if he had contacted me. I told them that I knew nothing more than they did but they didn't seem to believe me, they thought that I would be the one person he called out of everyone else.

Even his mother has been calling me everyday since he disappeared, asking me to let her know if he calls. "Tell him we miss him Janie. Let him know that we love him and want him to call us."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was the last person Devon would reach out to.The morning before Devon went to visit Reed in the hospital, he made a trip to his bank and withdrew enough money from his account that would allow him to have gone all this time without using either of his credit cards or his debit card. I can't tell you how much his parents were hoping that some sort of paper trail would show up and they would be able to track him down. They went to his place, hoping to find some clue of where he could've gone but all they found were empty drawers and his cell phone. His mother was certain something bad happened to him while his father kept suggesting that maybe he just needed some time to himself. Knowing that this was my fault, I felt that I needed to do something - anything - to get him to either call his parents or to come home. So last night, I went over to his place and let myself in with the key that he had given me when I stayed with him - one he insisted I kept. It seemed wrong to be in his place without him around. I walked through the darkened rooms, cursing the silence and Devon for leaving town. As I went from one room to another, I had flashes of memories from our time together after my mother died in the fire. I couldn't help the fist that seemed to circle around my heart as I recalled how happy and content I was to share those moments with him. In his bed room, I made my way to his bed and sat down. I was telling myself that I was trying to get some sense of what had happened the last time he was here but it wasn't true, I just wanted to feel close to him and his room was the last place he spent any real time besides the hospital when he visited Reed. I missed him. It wasn't that hard to figure that out. It was the only explanation for why I was in his place, sitting on his bed in complete darkness, just to feel some connection to him. In the darkness, a flashing light in the distance caught my eye. Hesitatantly, I rose from his bed and made my way out of his room and back into the living room where his laptop was sitting on a TV tray table. When I lived with him, he had told me his password for the laptop so that I could use it when he was at work or out. As I pulled sat down on his couch and pulled the laptop onto my lap, I hoped that he hadn't changed the password. Opening the lid, I waited for the password screen to pop up and let out a sigh of relief when the word I typed in was accepted. But I didn't know what to do with it once I was into it. I didn't have his passwords to his email or anything private like that.

"This is pointless," I sighed but I couldn't bring myself to shut down his laptop. I sat there for the longest time, just staring at the picture on his background - me and him sitting in front of the tree we decorated for Christmas. With a shaky hand, I reached out and traced his smiling face with my finger. "I love you," I whispered softly as I cursed myself for not being able to tell him that when he was with me.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

We were sitting on the couch together, I was trying to ignore the intense, worried look he was giving me as he held my hand in one of his and stroked my cheek as I rested my head against his shoulder. I was surprised, when I sat down and curled up next to him, he didn't ask again what Amber wanted, he just seemed to do his best to make me feel good. And that made me feel like a bitch. "Devon?" I tilted my head back to look at him. He shifted, his hand left mine to slip behind my back; he pulled me closer. "Yes?"I sighed and closed my eyes. "Amber called to tell us that Reed just opened his eyes."Every muscle in his body seemed to go rigid. "What did you say?" With mixed emotions, I opened my eyes again. "Reed's awake.""I have to call Amber," he said quickly as he pulled away from me, almost knocking me off the couch in the process. As Devon fumbled with my phone, misdialing a couple times, I rose from the couch and wandered down the hallway to my room. Closing the door softly, I leaned back against it and cursed myself for being so selfish. How much of a bitch was I if I didn't really want my best friend's man to wake up because I wasn't ready to make a decision involving Devon's place in my life? Devon's excitement about his best friend's change drifted down the hall as I curled up on the bed. I was happy that Reed was awake but inside I was afraid that it would mean that Devon had no reason to stay here anymore and that he would realize that what he was feeling wasn't real but only the affects of thinking he had to do something that Reed couldn't do for Amber.I know, it didn't make sense to me either. Tears ran down my cheeks as I thought about being alone in the house once again. I knew in my heart that I didn't want to be alone, otherwise why would I be acting like that. But I wasn't sure if it was for sure that I didn't want to be without Devon. Or maybe I just didn't want to admit that I was in love with the man. "Janie?" His voice startled me. Half turning towards the door where he stood, I glanced over my shoulder and waited. "Amber said Reed is awake. The doctor came in to check him over and it seems that he is going to be alright, he doesn't remember anything right before the accident though.""That's great." I smiled half-heartedly. "Amber sounded so happy when I was talking to her but she hadn't talked to the doctor at that point.""I got to talk to Reed for a second.""Oh?" "Yeah," he chuckled softly. "He wanted me to tell you thank you for taking care of Alexis so Amber didn't wear herself out worrying about the both of them."I didn't say anything as I turned back to press my face into my pillow. "Janie?" I heard him approach my bed and felt the mattress shift under his weight as he moved to lay behind me. "Tell me what's wrong?"I shook me head, about to tell him it was nothing when he stopped me. "I know it's something, otherwise you would be jumping off the walls at the news that Reed is awake." His hand trailed over my arm until his hand came to curl around mine on the pillow in front of me. "Come on Janie, you know you can tell me."After taking a couple deep breathes, I turned my head until I could see Devon's outline in the moonlight. Before I could say anything, he rose to his elbow and looked down at me. "I'm happy that Reed's awake," I told him. "I've wished for nothing more in the last couple months.""Me too," he admitted. I nodded slowly. "I know Devon.""I don't understand what's going on Janie. If you are happy that he's awake, why doesn't it seem that way? Why aren't you wanting to celebrate like I am?"I started to shrugged but stopped. "I'm happy but I'm also sad." He asked me why and I told him that with Reed awake, they didn't need me to watch Alexis anymore. "I know it's wrong of me, but I was enjoying being needed like that. I just started to become confident that I could take care of her. And now she has to go back home. I'm going to miss her."With a sigh, Devon dropped to the mattress and took me in his arms. "Baby you know she isn't going to be going home just yet -""What do you mean? Amber and Reed are going to want her back right away Devon, she's their little girl.""Yeah, I know that," he kissed my shoulder. "But right now Reed is still in the hospital and Amber will stay there with him until he's released. When they go home, they might need a day or so before -""No," I cut him off. "Amber told me tonight that she wanted me to bring Alexis to the hospital tomorrow.""To visit Reed because he wants to see her but not to stay."I shook my head. "Amber told me she misses Alexis and can't wait to take her home - tomorrow.""Oh." "Yeah," I pulled away from him. "So I guess that means that tomorrow night I'll be alone for the first time since the accident." "Why do you say that?""Well, with Alexis gone, you'll have no reason to stick around." I didn't think it was possible but I think I hurt him. As soon as the words I spoke sunk in, he rolled off the bed and stomped out of my room.

His, "I guess not," has been echoing around inside my head since that night. I wish I could say that I've seen him and had a chance to take it back but I haven't. No one has. Not since he stopped into see Reed the day after he woke up. I'm such an idiot.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

I told Devon that I needed some time and asked him to leave again but he refused. He asked me how I could ask him to leave when I knew in my heart that I loved him just as much as he loved me. "I don't want to leave because I'm afraid that you won't let me back in," he confessed when I didn't reply to his comment. "I don't know what I was thinking before Janie, but I know now that being without you sucks." When I didn't say anything, he sighed. "Just let me stay," he begged. "I'll sleep on the couch. You don't even have to acknowledge me. Just don't make me go."This was a side of him that I never seen before. I never heard him beg, I never saw him plead and I certainly never recall a moment when he would've been alright if I ignored him. So that's what we did. He slept on my couch and I pretended to be ignoring him but to tell you the truth, I was more aware of him than ever before. I'm not really sure how long he was camped on my couch and no, I didn't pretend that he wasn't there are all times - we spoke in the morning and watched TV together after Alexis was in bed. We fell into a routine and I became so use to him being there when I got home that when I hung up the phone two nights ago, I wanted to cry. Devon was laying on the couch, watching some program on Discovery, when I hung up the phone. "Are you ok Janie?"I couldn't form a complete sentence for the life of me. "Janie?" He jumped off the couch and was at my side in no time. "Who was on the phone?"Slowly, I turned my head upwards to face him. "That was Amber.""Amber? How is -?" All the color ran from his face. "I think I should sit down.""Devon..." I followed him back to the couch, where I watched him sit stiffly on the cushion. Sighing, I plopped down next to him.

"Is - is...." He shook his head, unable to complete his sentence. "No!" I exclaimed and wrapped my arm around his back. "No.""No?" There was such hope in his eyes. "Are you sure? Reed isn't....?" I shook my head. "Then..." he frowned. "Why did - what was with the look Janie?"

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Devon refused to leave. He told me that until I listened to him, he wasn't going anyway and there was nothing I could do to make him. When I told him I could call the police, he told me to go right ahead. "They'll have to drag me out of here in handcuffs Janie because I'm not about to let you cut me out without hearing me out.""Here you out?" I scoffed. "What do you think I'm going to do Devon? Stand here and listen to you tell me one lie after another?" "I-""NO!" I snapped. "I had enough of that Devon a long time ago. I can't deal with him anymore. I want you to leave." "I'm not going anywhere," he told me as I marched past him. Without saying another word to him, I went directly to my living room and grabbed my phone from it's nest on my end table. Shifting Alexis to my left hip, I pressed the 'talk' button. "Give me that!" Devon snatched the phone from me and tossed it across the room. "I didn't do anything wrong!" "Leave me alone!" "No," he shook his head. "I've done that before and I didn't enjoy it one bit!""Yeah?" I angrily brushed my bangs back from my face. "I've done the whole 'I like you but I'm fucking everyone else' thing before too and I hated it. I won't go down that road again Devon.""I'm not fucking anyone!" "Well if you aren't, you are thinking about fucking someone else!""No," he replied as he took a step towards me, backing me up to the arm of the couch. "I'm not thinking about fucking anyone; I'm thinking about making love to someone." I turned my head away from him. "I think about being with her all the time." His breath caressed my cheek as his fingers trailed up and down my arm. "I'd give everything to be with her once again. To feel all the tension drain from her body as she squirms under the pressure of my mouth." Closing my eyes, I lifted my chin upwards stubbornly but didn't say a word. His lips brushed gently against my cheek. "I didn't do anything to make you doubt me Janie.""Huh!" I rolled my eyes. "Are you going to tell me she was nothing? Like you always do.""No," he said softly. I opened my eyes and met his. "I can't tell you she was nothing because I never did anything with her." He paused, studying my face. "Didn't you recognize her Janie?"Frowning, I thought back to what I saw outside the restaurant. To tell the truth, besides knowing that she was blond and she was way too close to him for my liking. "You didn't," he seemed surprised. "No," I snapped as I pulled away from him. "Why should I recognize all your whores?"With a laugh, he told me that in a minute I was going to regret that comment. "Whatever Devon." I started towards the bedrooms with Alexis. "Janie it was Laura."I froze in mid stride. "Laura?" I shot him a look over my shoulder. "I don't believe you, she isn't a blond.""She is now," he said simply. Reaching into his pocket, he fished out his wallet and pulled out a card. Passing it to me, he told me that I shouldn't be so quick to assume that he was cheating on me. "Especially when you were cozying up with Sean."Ignoring that comment, I focused on the business card in my hand. My eyes landed on the picture first and then slowly I read the words. He was telling me the truth, it was Laura - his cousin. "I was supposed to meet with Tom as well," he came up behind me and leaned in over my shoulder. "You remember Tom? Laura's husband?"I nodded. "He's a doctor, you know. We were in the middle of talking about the house they were hoping I would design for them when he got a delivery call - he asked me to take Laura home after we were done discussing what she wanted for her home."I didn't look at him as I passed the card back over my shoulder. "I have to put Alexis down," was all I said before I high tailed it out of my living room. Needless to say, I felt like an ass for accusing him of cheating. Will I ever be able to see Devon with another woman and not think he's cheating? I wondered as I cleaned Alexis up and wrestled her into her pjs. I thought I was over it but after what happened, could I ever be over it? The whole time I was putting Alexis to bed, I thought about how things were with him and how they had been the last couple months. He's changed, you know in your heart he isn't the same man he was before, so why do you get yourself all worked up over nothing?I didn't have an answer to that when I left Alexis' room. I walked back out into the living room not really sure what I was going to do. "Devon..." He looked so hopeful as he stared at me from across the room. "I'm sorry," I turned away. "I can't do this. Please leave.""But..." I heard him curse. "This is bullshit Janie! I haven't done anything wrong in a long time but it doesn't matter to you, does it?"I held up my hands, my eyes were closed tight because I was on the verge of tears. "Please, just go." I begged. "I can't do this, I can't."When he cursed again, I opened my eyes in time to see him move towards me. "What are you doing?" I demanded as he bared down on me. His hands reached me first and then my body crashed against his as he pulled me to him. Before I could do anything - protest or push him away - his lips covered mine and I kissed him back with a force to match his own. When he pull back a little, we were both shaking. Even his voice was unsteady when he spoke. "Don't send me away please." His tongue flicked over his lips before he continued. "I've been so careful not to do anything stupid to make you doubt me Janie. I need you so much. I - I -" I raised a brow as he coughed to clear his throat. "I love you Janie. Really love you."