For Michael Phelps: Distinguishing Asians 101

Reference article click here. Read it first before the rest. Thank you for your emails and encouragement after TMZ posted it on Saturday.

Summary:

American bronze medal snowboarder Scott Lago revealed on Kimmel and to TMZ cameras that he thought he was at the centre of some conspiracy theory to bring him down after photos were leaked online showing him with a party girl biting his medal around his crotch and chest. Lago was allowed to keep his medal but was sent home from the Games as the IOC reprimanded him for inappropriate behaviour.

Instead of owning the incident and taking responsibility for what went down, Lago is now insisting that he’s a victim of some elaborate set up, telling Kimmel and then TMZ that the girl who put her mouth on his medal also tried to make out with Michael Phelps and that Michael Phelps identified her to his friend. The girl in question was described to be an “Asian” reporter in Vancouver.

I am the Asian reporter in question. I am the person now being accused of getting Scotty Lago kicked out of Vancouver. I am the person Michael Phelps believed was trying to set them both up. Because some people don’t know about Asians.

Here’s what went down:

Jessi Cruickshank and Dan Levy from MTV’s The Aftershow and I were assigned to party duty during the Olympics for Olympic Morning on CTV. It can get boring every day going on the air, straight delivering who was where what and how. Way better to have a unique narrative. Makes for more entertaining television. So the three of us, we were invited to attend the Omega party hosted by Michael Phelps. Knowing that I found him attractive, Jessi and Dan challenged me to complete 3 tasks all to be captured on camera:

1. Get a photo taken with Phelps – bonus points for kissing him on the cheek2. Find out what cologne he wears3. Convince him to send me a text message

It was a classy affair. The lights were turned way up. People were taking pictures. There was a photo wall. I didn’t approach Phelps in some seedy f-cking bar and corner him and force myself onto his lap. Instead, my producer printed out my challenge list and attached it to a clipboard. We then showed it to his entourage and INFORMED HIS PUBLICITY TEAM of our intentions. Total transparency. We were reporting on Canada’s OFFICIAL OLYMPIC NETWORK. Our goal was to cut a funny piece for tv in the morning, period, and we hoped that Michael Phelps would have the sense of humour to play along.

But Michael Phelps does not play. His people refused, he refused, he looked scared and uncomfortable, he agreed only to the photo and nothing else, and he shrank away as soon as the picture was taken. So when Jessi and Dan arrived I had to eat the failure. They were all like – what? You suck! Let us make this sh-t happen.

And there goes Jessi, lining up for her picture with Phelps. She stood next to him, smiled, posed normally for the first shot, and then puckered her mouth, turned her face towards him, and tried to lean in. Shut down. That’s when Jessi and I started getting death stares from his people. For the rest of the night, they called us “the kissing girls”, like somehow Jessi and I could damage his fins. Whatever. We ended up with a good story anyway for Olympic Morning, we made fun of ourselves, and we suggested to Phelps that he might want to grow a sense of humour.

In addition to that, he might also want to attend some Asian Identification classes. Because if what Scott Lago says is true, well, Michael Phelps done f-cked up.

According to Lago, when those incriminating medal biting pictures turned up, Phelps told Lago’s friend that it was the same Asian reporter who “tried to go for a make out” with him. How is what happened – as DOCUMENTED ON TELEVISION – the same as going for a “make out”? What?

Furthermore, how is it at all possible that I’d go straight from trying to molest Michael to masticating on Scotty Lago’s bronze medal?

That girl has short hair and looks about 14. I have long hair and am much, MUCH older goddammit. Our only similarity therefore is that we’re both Asian. So here’s what it is: Michael Phelps couldn’t distinguish between Asians. Because all Asians look the same?

Our rebuttal to Michael Phelps, on national television, is here. Click to view. And if true, if Michael Phelps couldn’t tell between me and the medal biter, well, then what he said is ignorant. Assuming all Asians behave like Tila Tequila is ignorant. Racial profiling is ignorant. Role models shouldn’t say ignorant racial profiling things. Role models who break records in Beijing shouldn’t say ignorant racial profiling things.

Therefore, I am happy to help him. He needs some Asian Education. He needs a weekly Asian Identification Quiz. Starting right now.

It’s very simple:

Are they the same, or are they not the same?

The answers tomorrow.

Please forward this to Michael Phelps. Or anyone/website/blog/message board you may know that can contact Michael Phelps. It’s a valuable lesson. There are Asians all over the place. He can’t keep thinking that the same Asian girl is running around taking pictures with people. It makes him look very stupid.