Did You Marry The Right Man?

What cold feet really mean—and how to make your marriage work

First, the unsettling news: Those cold feet you had before your wedding? They may have meant more than you'd like to think. Recent studies show that pre-wedding jitters can be a telltale sign of legitimate problems in your long-term relationship.

In fact, a UCLA study found that couples who got married when the wife had premarital doubts were more than twice as likely to get divorced within four years than doubt-free duos. Another study, from the University of Alberta, found that couples who had pre-wedding nerves spent less time together just a year and a half into their marriage than those who didn’t have premarital concerns.

Now, the good news: Even if you jumped into your marriage with cold feet, it doesn’t have to mean your union is toast. “If you had doubts about your marriage but decided to go through with it, in no way does that mean you’re doomed,” says Matt Johnson, PhD, the lead author of the University of Alberta study. “There are things you can do throughout a marriage to enhance it.”

Here are three common marital roadblocks on your path to happy-ever-after, and how to fix them:

Problem: You're fighting too much. Maybe you’re stuck doing the laundry while your hubby logs couch time like it’s an Olympic sport. Or maybe you can’t agree on finances or how to spend your weekends. These everyday hassles—no matter how little they may seem—can poison a relationship. “All couples have recurring problem areas that they will need to learn to manage for the rest of their lives together,” says Jared Durtschi, PhD, assistant professor at Kansas State University and a marital relationships expert. “But the best distinguishing factor between happy couples and less happy couples is not the presence of conflict but how couples treat each other during the conflict.”

Solution: Take a time out. Sure, communication is a cornerstone to a successful marriage, but if every interaction ends with angry accusations and slammed doors, it’s time to step back. “I often give couples an assignment to put aside time to talk and have fun, when those hot-button topics are off-limits,” says Durtschi. It could be one day a week or it could be just 10 minutes a day if things are especially tense and that’s all you can handle right now. What’s important is to introduce regular time in your relationship to enjoy each other again and try to remember why you got married in the first place.

Problem: You're not in sync. Is your partner is a workaholic or maddeningly moody? These problems can raise real fears that you married the wrong person, says Scott Stanley, PhD, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and co-author of Fighting For Your Marriage, which may make getting out of your marriage sound more and more appealing.

Solution: Give a little (more). “These days, people expect more from their partners—and they’re also less committed,” says Stanley. “But when people are really committed to their relationship, they sacrifice more for each other, and, most importantly, they don’t begrudge those sacrifices, because they see it as a mutual benefit." One little sacrifice that can have a big impact? Commit to doing the little things—an extra hug, a back rub before bed—that you know your partner appreciates. “Those little things can have a huge impact on marital satisfaction,” says Stanley. “It’s a small investment, but has huge dividends.” (Check out more everyday ways to get closer with 10 Little Things Connected Couples Do.)

Problem: You want different things. Can’t agree on whether to have children (or how many)? You crave the city but he’s a country boy? These are serious issues, says Stanley, but they don’t mean your marriage is unsalvageable. “There’s no doubt that some people might have been able to make a better choice in who to marry,” says Stanley. “But very often, the choice you made is the best choice you have now.”

Solution:Accept things as they are. “Almost nobody is deliriously pleased with their partner over the entire span of a marriage, but a lot of people are in ‘good-enough’ marriages,” says Stanley. “People often do better financially and psychologically by staying together rather than breaking up.” If your marriage it something you want to save, Stanley recommends deepening your acceptance of your marriage for what it is.