Who has two thumbs and is about to get super sick? This guy right here!!!! I may have caught what has sidelined Shanon the last couple of days. I hate that feeling in my throat. It starts getting sore and you know that in the morning you will wake up with no voice and about a gallon of mucus in your nose… that happened this morning and it could not come at a worse time. I have to go out of town this weekend and I got a football game on Thursday.

Not only am I sore from being sick; I am super sore because I decided to get my out of shape butt into the gym again. I will go ahead and blame how weak I was yesterday on being sick… that means I got about 4 days to get stronger so I don’t look like a 12 year old girl lifting weights again. Wish me luck in feeling better.

In some good news: For the first time in my life I turned down mac and cheese. I am desperately trying to be healthy and Kinsey made me some mac and cheese while I was munching on some tuna… I would much rather eat some cheese, I think I was a mouse back in a past lifetime. Anyways, I grabbed the bowl and said, “You don’t own me mac and cheese!!!! I OWN YOU!!!” I realized that talking to unhealthy food makes me feel better. Kinsey looked at me like I was nuts, plus she is starting to get all up on the PMS deal so I decided to mess with her, enjoy:

Plus we got a brand new goofing up video ready for ya!!! Yup, it’s a double whammy!!!

Friday was fun, went to the basketball game, then went out and had some drinks with my friends who were in town last week. Yup they came back to hang out. Anyways, we went out the following night and this is where it started going down hill with my living situation. Kinsey and I come home and decide to take the dogs out. So there we are waiting for the elevator to come up so we can head down and get this potty business going. As the elevator door opens a very sour and pungent smell made its way into my left nostril… I was facing Kinsey and the elevator was on my left, therefore the left nostril was hit first. Shortly thereafter my right nostril experienced this horrible smell. Someone had decided to let go of all their alcohol and food consumption from that day inside the elevator, and then decided they didn’t want to clean it up. The smell was so bad that we took the stairs down. As soon as we reached the bottom floor and opened the door we noticed another huge pile of regurgitated night out (food, alcohol, chicken noodle soup, and what looked like to be some broccoli). This person threw up not once, but twice and whoever they were with did nothing about it. I take you to the next morning. Surely someone from the complex complained about the mess, AKA Kinsey. Well, at 10 am nothing had been cleaned up. In fact they just placed a box over the throw up outside the elevator, and inside someone hardly wiped it up… it still smelled horrible in there. So Kinsey goes to the office to complain. She tells the guy working, “can you guys clean up the throw up outside and inside the elevator?” The guy replies, “There is no throw up, I was just out there and used the elevator.” Kinsey then answered, “well I was just in there and there IS throw up so could you please clean it up?” She then walked away.

5pm that same day… it still had not been cleaned up. I don’t want to sound snobby but I pay quite a bit of money to live there and this should not be happening. I should not have to worry that my dog will accidentally grub on some drunk persons puke. I hope to god it is cleaned up by today or I will have a hissy fit… not gay!!

So while my friends were in town this weekend I learned a little something about two of them that I could have gone without knowing. These guys went to high school together and have been friends for a loooong time. I just met them last week, but they are cool dudes. Apparently back in high school they used to try to get girls to like them by getting hickeys. The thing is that they didn’t get the hickeys from other girls… They gave it to each other… they claim that it worked. I claim that I never want to think of that visual. How does that come up in conversation? “Hey Ronnie, how bout you hook it up with a hickey homey?” (You know they talk all manly so they don’t seem gay). Weird!!!

One last thing, we were out and about because I want to start thinking about possibly buying a condo so I am checking out areas. I can’t afford to live in the nice neighborhoods so we were driving through the “hood”. There were a lot of homeless people around and it was pretty early so there weren’t very many cars or people out. As we were driving through a street Kinsey noticed a homeless man squatting in the middle of the sidewalk. As we got closer we realized his pants were down… so what did we do? We flipped a U-turn because I couldn’t not believe what I just saw. By this time he was pulling up his pants, but he left the sidewalk a present… IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK!!! Never in my life did I think I would have to witness this. I think Kinsey had a nightmare about it.

Hi!!! Sorry I didn’t blog yesterday, my dog ate it. Yup my dog ate my website and I had to umm… get a new one, but I couldn’t get it until this morning.

I would like to now introduce you to the stupid myspace message of the day:

I am getting to the point of anger with a certain moron on myspace.

First message sent: Are you gay?

My answer: nope

Second message sent: bi?

My Answer: nope

Now you would think this moron would get the idea and stop… oh no, he is far too stupid to realize that.

Third message (yup, there was a third): “oh. me friend adrien wanted to know.
he.. well, we listen to kidd kraddack.. or howeever you spell it.. and he was like “Jonathon, i can tell that somewvere deep down, he has homosexuality in him”..he thinks that he has special powers.
weired.”

Ok, first of all if you listen to the show you know who is and who isn’t playing on the what team if you get my drift. Second of all, if a dudes profile on myspace says “straight” and “in a relationship”, take their word for it. It doesn’t get to me that he asked if I was gay. It bothers me that he kept pushing… WHAT THE HELL!!! Just because I like to dress nice, dance (or try to), shower, and be goofy makes me gay? Here is a fun fact: a lot of people who aren’t gay shower, dress nice, and like to dance… and (gasp) they are not gay.

I also got wind from someone that Shanon is not happy with me, well it was Shanon who told me she wasn’t happy with me. We had our first football game yesterday… and we killed it. Apparently Shanon didn’t get the ball during the game… the problem with that is that she is just learning how to line up and half the time she would line up in the wrong place and run the wrong route. So it’s a little by little type of situation. This week was “learn where the left is” week. Next week we will move on to “learn to look when you are running around with your head cut off so the ball doesn’t hit you in the back of the head” week. It’s a process, you are not going to be Jerry Rice in one week. I think I have to go now, I ate some of Big Al’s beans and I think my stomach is about to blow up any moment now.

I was on Ellen yesterday!!!!!! VERY NICE!!!! HIGH FIVE!!!! I was dancing with the girl a couple minutes into the video : )

So I had the pleasure of waiting out in 29 degree weather for two hours to interview Paris Hilton for 45 seconds… yay!!! Yeah, Paris freaking Hilton made me wait two hours in the freezing cold, but I did get a hug out of it… very nice. Check out the video after you read the rest of my blog… no, not now, I said after!!! Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I almost died again… 2008 has been pretty unlucky so far for me. I was run off the road on the way home from work by an idiot who used his signal… incorrectly. He had his left turn signal on, so I assumed that he was going to change lanes to the left, instead he slowed down and merged onto my lane causing me to go into the emergency lane and partly into the grass. So I did what I felt needed: I followed this moron off the freeway and pulled up next to him (don’t worry he looked dorky and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t try to fight me). He was naturally on the phone but he finally found the time to roll down his window. He looked at me as if I were supposed to speak first, I just wanted an apology. He then raised his eyebrows and leaned towards me as if I were wasting his time. He had officially ticked me off some more and was on the border between Kickintheshinsville and Throwsodaatcarland. So I informed him that he ran me off the road and almost caused an accident… He then said, “No I didn’t,” and rolled his window back up, and sat there until the light turned green again… I was so ticked off that I gave him the bad word signal from “Friends”. To top it off I got honked at because I didn’t pull all the way to the light since there were two cars in front of jerk face.

In other awesome news: my friends started up the old dodge ball team back home and have still not won a game. We used to dominate back when I lived back home. Naturally I feel awesome about this because I feel needed. Does that make me greedy? (Play music)

Hello!!!! I am writing with a very broken heart right now. Yup, my football team lost to those unbeatable Patriots. This loss hurts worse than being dumped, it hurts worse than when my first hamster died, it hurts worse than that time I hot hit in my “man area” by a golf ball… At least Tom Brady seems like a nice dude but he has everything. He is great at football, hot model girl, tall, handsome, perfect football team, can grow a sweet beard, he already won a couple of Super Bowls, and he has great style… Life is not fair sometimes. I want to be TOM BRADY!!! Ok, done venting.We watched the game at the bar and I had some friends in town from back home. A little bit into the game I noticed a dude face to face with one of my friends about to fight. So I decided to go break up the fight because I wanted to watch the game. For some reason this dude got mad at me for pushing them apart and started talking down to me. So I asked him if he wanted to get arrested and he replied with “I don’t care.” So I told him that is what would happen if any fighting broke out. He said that we better stop talking crap during the game. Here is what guys like to do: we like to watch football and talk a little smack during the game to the other fans, it makes watching the game a little more fun. Apparently he was not a big fan because I don’t think he understood that concept. A few more words were exchanged and finally the guy went back to his table and so did we. Right after the yelling match Kellie asks me if it’s ok to buy that guy a drink… ouch!!! Haha. During this heartbreak of a weekend I did get my butt into the movie theater and watched “Cloverfield”. It had a Blair Witch feeling to it the way they filmed which in turn caused me to feel extreme nausea during half the movie and the huge hot dog and chilly fries I bought helped the situation about as much as a plastic spoon would help in a knife fight. So here is what I thought of the movie:Beginning: pointless, hated it.Middle: Loved it, awesome!!!End: hated it.I also would have hated to play the part of the dude “documenting” the experience. He got very little face time, but he was pretty funny. So all in all I would give it 4 out of 5 Si’s (that means “yes” in Spanish, VERY NICE).

You wanna know what else I did this weekend? I took a challenge from Psycho Shanon, she plays tackle football with her friends on Saturdays and I told her I wanted to play. She said it would be embarrassing for me to go out and play because these girls would hurt me. One thing led to another and next thing I know I am out there playing football with a bunch of very athletic looking girls. First play of the game I got the ball and ran it back for a score. The girls on the other team were a bit upset because they said it is impossible to “tackle that man”… yeah!!! They called me a man. High FIVE!!! Haha. Then a rule was made that I had to be touched by two girls and I would be down. Next time we got the ball I took it and ran it back again without getting touched. So a new rule was put in… I never got the ball again the rest of the game : (

WORD!!!!

I am calling it already, Chargers are next year’s Super Bowl Champs!!!

Let me tell you about my experience in the wonderful world of shopping for a woman. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! How do you ladies do it? Those moments were the most stressful moments of the week. When you are a dude you throw some jeans on… they fit around the waist… you buy ‘em. As a woman you have to make sure that they jeans make your butt look just right, they have to be tight around your legs and look cute at the bottom so you can show off your shoes.When you are a dude you throw a shirt, it fits… you buy. As a woman you have to make sure your boobs look good in it, it can’t make your stomach look fat, it can’t make your arms look fat, and another chick better not have your shirt/blouse or whatever you call it. As a guy you put on a belt… it fits… you buy. As a woman you have to make sure it matches with your purse, at least 6 shirts, and is shiny and cute… and it is not even used as a belt to hold pants up, it is used as an accessory. As a guy you try on some shoes… they feel comfortable… you buy. As a woman, you try on the cutest shoes you can’t find… they hurt like hell… you buy anyway. I did have fun shopping for Kellie though. I will say this: If I lose to Al and his 1990 Salt N Peppa “Push it” video looking outfit with boots that don’t match I will have a “fashion fit”. Definition of a “fashion fit”- pouting my lips, continuously yelling “na-ah”… then you walk up and walk up and kick the winner in the back of the leg.

I would now like to take this time to throw Target some huge love. As you may know 68.8% of my shopping takes place there. Yup, I performed a study on myself and found that out. Anyway, for the first time ever I had to return something because I screwed up my purchase. I opened the thing up, it looked used, and I look like a punk. Three reasons why a costumer service person would be mean to me. Oh, and bonus reason, I forgot my receipt at home. Instead I was treated super nicely and not questioned once. If there could be more people like this lady out there life would be so much easier. I just wanted to share with ya that there are people out there who still work hard and smile even though their job has them dealing with difficult people over and over again.

I know I talked about this a week ago, but here is the proof that my team did win the Flag Football Championship… so what if we were the lower division, we still went from last to first. We did get beat by every upper division team, but not by much : )

For some reason I don’t pump my gas tank full, I only put in 35 dollars because my favorite number is 5 and 7 is a lucky number… does that make me crazy? Haha. Anyways, while I was pumping gas the dude next to me said what up. He was tall and thin, but had the tough guy vibe. He seemed pretty excited about something so I sparked up a conversation and said, “Looks like you are having a good day.” He responded “yeah, I got out of Huntsville two days ago.” So I asked how long it took for him to finish and he said “5 years.” I said, “Wow, congrats, now a days most people take about 7 years…” He didn’t respond to that so I kept on rambling cause that’s what I do when I feel I made things awkward, “What did you study?” I asked. He gave me a weird look and said, “How not to get ma a$$ kicked.” He finished pumping got in his car and left. I thought to myself that he was being a bit of a jerk after he had seemed so nice to begin with. So I went home to look up this HuntsvilleCollege… no such thing, but I did see a Huntsville Prison. Yup, I put two and two together. I talked to a convicted felon. Do you ever wonder how many felons you have ever held a conversation with and not known it? I wonder if I have ever spoken with a serial killer… Crazy, those are the little thoughts that go through my head sometimes. However, it must feel so good for him to get another chance at life, I don’t know what he did, but he served his time. Hope he has a wonderful life.

Lets switch it up because I feel ADDish. I was watching AI (that’s the cool way to say American Idol… but am I considered really cool if I make up lingo for a show about singing?) last night and saw the preview for the San Diego episode and saw one of my very good friends on there and she definitely most positively can’t sing. I know this because we used to do a radio bit about her horrible singing. I LOL’d when I saw her because she always has a deer in headlights look going on. You know, the hamster passed away and is still in the cage, but they don’t notice the wheel has stopped (Shout out to my 3 hamsters that died, I will pour a little out for you guys later). This is the first time in 7 years I have seen someone I know on the show and it’s a radio bit. I know plenty of awesome singers that have tried out but none have made it. I am afraid to say that I have lost that love I had towards American Idol. It’s becoming American Idiot with all these people trying to do bits… and the producers are fully aware and let it happen.

Lastly, I think I want to break a world record for fastest single handed bra unhooking. Kinsey and I watched a show and saw a guy do it and I think I am faster. I used to practice in high school on a pillow because I saw it on a movie and thought it was pretty funny, and they say movies don’t have an effect on kids. Either way I want to break a world record. Any suggestions?

My new goal this year is to become famous through internet videos… so far so good. If Andy Sandberg and friends can do it, so can I. I just don’t want to be the guy who everyone recognizes but they never know his name thus officially becoming: THAT GUY!! Anyways, my friends an I filmed a bunch of videos when I was back home and we have been releasing them weekly. Now I feel like an addict. Every time I get away from my computer I can’t wait to log on and find out how many more hits the video me and my friends made. Then I get all sad when the views haven’t gone up much. I think we went the wrong direction by posting the videos on like 10 different sites. We should have stuck with one and pumped that up. Oh, well… WATCH OUR VIDEOS, you could say I watched and emailed their video around before they sold out… AWESOME!!!!Speaking of technology… I SUCK AT IT. I can’t get my darn Itunes working. I think my computer is too slow for some reason. Then I bought the wrong memory card for my camera (too small). I was so excited to get home and record my dogs wrestle. Actually its more like watch Dex get whooped by Delilah and have him jump on the couch and growl at her. Nope, instead I sat on my couch with an empty camera and watched Delilah whoop Dex up. I hope target takes my memory card back, if they don’t I will assume the fetal position and superglue my head to the floor. That will show them. So if you work at Target and see a dude with his head superglued to the floor give me a quick holler.To top things off some jerk saw my Chargers sticker on my car and called me a “front runner”. What is the point of trying to piss off a complete random person? It blows my mind. What makes it worse is that there is not a good comeback that would not make me look like a 12 year old so I just looked at him like a doofus as I got in my car. I personally wanted to yell at him and take out all my frustration I have held for the last 14 years. Instead I sat in my car telling comebacks to myself and pretending he was in the car… but that made me feel even more stupid when I noticed a lady staring at me at the light. Yeah, I was making tough man faces while doing it to make it more realistic. That’s how I roll.Oh, one random question: why do homeless people have pets? I saw a homeless guy who usually works the corner right of the freeway by my house on my way to work this morning at the gas station with his dog… he was on the pay phone. Who is he calling at four in the morning? And what does the dog eat? I guess the dog may like it because he gets to always be outside. If I was a dog I would want to be a little one that gets to perform at the football games catching Frisbees. Those dogs kick butt. My dogs don’t even know how to play fetch correctly. Still a learning process, they do know how to sit though : )WORD!!!

Oh man, yesterday was weird. So I have been testing out a bit the last week or so and going to different locations. In the bit I have a small plastic jar full of pennies and I try to see if people will become impatient with my payment method and purchase what I am trying to buy for me to hurry things up. After attempting the stunt one last time around 8 pm last night I headed back to my car. The front was full of cars because there are a couple restaurants there and it’s not very bit so I decided to park around back in an alley that contains a couple small parking lots. As I walked back to my car I noticed two guys hanging out back there one was about my height and the other one about an inch or two shorter and stocky. I didn’t think much of it because as I got closer I noticed that these guys were about 18 or 19 years old. So I kept on walking towards them. Then they made eye contact with me and did not look away, they just stared at me the whole way. I started feeling awkward. So as I am about to pass them the taller one steps forward and is now in my way. I slow down and give him a nod with a “sup.” He doesn’t move as I get closer to him. So as I am about to walk around him he says, “What you got there?” He wasn’t very menacing and his voice was low. I started getting the same feeling from when I was held up at gun point… but he never pulled anything out. So I said, “Just a bunch of pennies dude.” His friend is still leaning against the dumpster. He then says, “Let me get ’em,” so I respond with a, “what?” He repeats it. Right about now those weird adrenaline butterflies that you feel right before a fight or when you feel something bad coming are starting to bloom in my stomach. So I decide to tell him, “Sorry bud, I need them for something.” He then says, “You didn’t understand? I said let me get ’em.” At this point his friend stops leaning on the dumpster. My first inclination was to say, “or what?” I managed to keep my smart a@@ mouth closed.

By now I am going through a million scenarios in my head. I could try to take them, I could punch one and run away from the heavier one, I could act like a karate champ and get all crazy. Then I started thinking about what if they have a knife, or a gun, or pepper spray. Odds are that they were not carrying a weapon, but I didn’t want to take my chances because my life is worth more than 5 bucks, and I am not going to be a hero over some pennies. So I decided to hand my little jar over to the tall skinny one. He then asked me if I had anything else. I told him that was all I have on me. So he asked where my wallet was. I patted myself down and showed him my jeans were empty. I could hear some people on the street behind us but I doubt they noticed anything crazy going on. My last comment was, “see, I nothing on me… all I got is my car keys,” (luckily my recorder was still in my sweatshirt). As soon as I said car keys I felt cold sweat building up. I thought, “crap they are gonna take my car.” I may have drawn the line there and taken my chances with the kick in the shins and run technique. Instead the guy looked me up and down and they both walked past me as the taller one brushed my shoulder with his. They both just nonchalantly walked away. I didn’t feel nervous although I was shaking a bit from the adrenaline, and I was happy nothing happened. I called the police and decided just to tell them to come patrol the area after I gave them a description. I didn’t want to waste their time over 5 dollars.

I hope they enjoy the 500 pennies; apparently they need it more than I do. My dad always told me to pick my battles carefully and two on one is never a smart battle… But if I ever seem around the hood, its gonna be on… FO SHO!!! And by “on” I mean I will politely ask for my money back with no interest on the “loan”. Yup, that’s what I am calling it. Two guys took out a loan with me in an alley.

WORD!!!!

Now sit back an enjoy the randomness that is me with two of my friends making a parody of that show “Intervention” on A & E.

MY TEAM WON THE FLAG FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP… WE WENT FROM WORST TO FIRST AND GOT A COOL TROPHY. Sorry I get excited about it. OH AND THE CHARGERS BEAT THE COLTS!!!! Sorry I get excited about that too.So this weekend was weird. Friday I watched “Grace is Gone”. I wanted to cry but held my tears in because Kinsey bet me that I would cry. If I would have let them out Kinsey would have kept on saying “I told you so” to me and then I would have to deliver a swift kick to the shin with a “na ah.” That’s what grown ups do…I ended up staying home on Friday night because all my friends are doing the “No Drinking in 30 days” thing. I don’t understand it. What is the point of stopping for only 30 days? If you are gonna stop then you should stop for real, and if you are not going to stop why not just moderate the drinking… hey there’s and idea: just stop drinking so much. Awesome!!!!

Saturday after winning the flag football championship I rested… Yup, I took a nap with my trophy. Later that night we were supposed to meet up our friend because they were having a birthday party. We showed up at the club they were supposed to be at around 10pm. They weren’t there so Kinsey texted them; they said they were on their way so we waited… At midnight we decided that we had gotten ditched so we left. I met up with Big Al and Steve at a bar but they are on the no drinking for 30 days deal so I felt out of place with them. We ended up leaving and going to a restaurant about a block away from my house… It’s a Mexican restaurant and guess what? They were having a cross dresser show. There were only about 8 people in the place but these girls/guys/something were performing as if they were Britney Spears back in 2001 in front of a sold out arena. Did I mention it was all in Spanish so Kinsey did not understand anything that was going on especially when they started making fun of her for being a white girl? I laughed. There was straight guy in there who honestly thought they were women and he was hitting on them hard core. One of them sat on his lap and asked him if he could feel anything and the guy said “I feel a connection.” The cross dresser said, “No, I was making sure I am hiding it well.” The guy then gave a confused look and the cross dresser again said, “So I can tell you like feminine men.” The guy then said, “No, I like feminine women.” The CD (that’s hip for cross dresser) then said, “I want to be a woman one day.” the dude got up all pissed off and said, “you are disgusting..” then he faced the other patrons and said, “do you guys get it? This is a man,” a gay guy yelled, “Duh” and we all started laughing. The weird dude stomped out. He then walked back in and requested to have the dollars that he tipped the performers back… They declined. We laughed again. I decided we should leave just in case he was super duper crazy and wanted to try something nutty.

WORD!!!!

NEW VIDEO FROM MY FRIENDS AND ME!!!! Have you ever watched “Intervention” on A & E?