A SOULS JOURNEY

Category: Uncategorized

I feel like it’s been ages now since I’ve written something light and easy breezy. I feel like I want to do that. For a multitude of reasons. But I don’t feel light and easy. As I sit down to write this, and I’ve left it all week because it’s been hectic and now it’s Sunday night and I’m flat. Again. Like seriously …. Again! Pull yourself out of it Michelle! I’m the only one who can, I know that, but this one is heavy and it’s taking a toll.

I spoke a few weeks ago of my first spiritual guide. He used to speak of the Three Rungs of the Ladder to the space of enlightenment. Now this is completely my perception of what he meant but the first rung is around awareness and a genuine connection to the feeling of creating inner peace. I do feel I have taken this on board in my soul. And beyond to a degree. But I also vividly remember him saying that we always feel our shit the hardest and deepest right before a big change. A little push or shove in the direction to greater consciousness. But this one feels like a massive truck full of hippos sitting on my physical body and all of my energy space around me. It feels HEAVY!

Now I’m not sure how others experience this. Please share if you would like it always helps to feel like you’re not alone or going crazy. But I really feel the different weights or imprints of different energies. And I am also starting to become acutely aware of visions during meditation and particularly whilst giving Reiki to myself and others. I’m not afraid as such but I know I’m going through a massive shift in consciousness and so in a way it’s scary. No I’m bullshitting. I’m freaking out to be real.

Not really for what’s to come. That’s ok. But for what is not coming with me. It’s almost like I have come to a point of no return right now and life as I know it is over. Please understand I know it will be ok but the FEELING that it’s going to be ok hasn’t caught up. My monkey mind is trying to pull me back to what I know. It’s grasping at people places and situations that don’t serve me.

This week I acted out. I tried to lie to myself I was ok about seeing someone I hadn’t seen in a couple of months. You know they popped up again and I told myself this time would be different. Of course I’ll go to dinner with you. But a couple of champagnes in and I honestly felt my brain snap. What the f**k are you doing Michelle!?, it screamed. You know how this ends. This is not a safe place to rest your weary soul. And honestly I was an almost instant mess. I actually had a movie moment and got up and walked out of the restaurant.

Now completely NOT his fault. He is honest that he’s not emotionally available. I am the one who is willing to butt my head against the same old brick wall over and over and over because I pull what I want to hear out of the conversation rather than what is being said. I’m not saying it’s my fault either, but why am I pursuing someone who will never let me in? I don’t have to be a superhero and work him out or break through his walls or show him how special I am and then hopefully maybe one day he’ll truly love me back and see my worth. IM TIRED! I honestly can’t be f**ked with it anymore. It hurts. I am hurting myself.

I am seeking in a partner what I always knew as my first male female dynamic. The relationship I had with my dad. And when I was a child he was completely emotionally unavailable. Not at all his fault. He did the best with what he knew. And he is a deep kind thoughtful and intelligent man. And our dynamic is changing. Dad and I are good. I have laid to rest my issues with feeling I didn’t get what I needed back when I was little. So its time for my adult self to catch up. To stop recreating these patterns for my future. All my partners have been either that way inclined or completely obsessive and possessive or combinations of both.

I want someone, yes. And all of the changes that are happening in my world feel like they would be just that little bit more awesome if I had someone to share them with. Love makes the good that much better and everything else seem small. But I don’t have that right now. Well not in a romantic sense. But if I step back from that, it’s so clear how I’m just scared of this next step. This next massive step up that ladder. But when I stop grasping so tightly and I let myself leap I know there is a pure moment awaiting me.

That beautiful moment when you allow a real change into your soul. It’s a moment of pure stillness. A moment in which you can truly appreciate the absolute nothing it brings. The space. The lightness. Where did that heavy energy go? That we hold onto so tightly. Where did it come from? Why did it mean so much to us? Yet now it has simply gone. Shifted. Moved on. Dissipated. Just writing this my focus changed and I felt the energy shift. It simply blows me away with pure gratitude and amazement every time. Where your focus goes, energy flows.

Regardless of whether you consider yourself spiritual or not I would think that has to raise some really interesting questions to ponder. Thoughts are merely suggestions. Emotions are just acting upon those suggestions and beliefs are made for perceived survival.

Yet real living comes when you just let it all go. So breathe Michelle and just say Fuck It!

Leave what is not working behind. Make space for the new. Allow myself to move in the direction that momentum is taking me anyway. Stop kicking and screaming and running back to the real place of hurt out of fear of the unknown. Because let’s be real, I wouldn’t be on this journey if the past worked out for me would I!

Ha! I just giggle snorted. And finally, I feel the light and easy breezy returning. What an amazing journey I am on.

So whilst I may not be in any romantic type of relationship right now, the relationship I am having with the universe is at an all time high. We are loving each other. Understanding each other. Communicating. Consulting. Respecting. Nourishing. Spooning. Ok well, maybe not the last bit. Which is lucky because if girls could get that from the universe too, boys could be in big trouble!

But honestly, not even I could for see how this relationship I am having with whatever you deem the higher power to be, would play out. I personally believe in the universe. I believe in energy. But whatever you chose to call it; it’s faith.

So lately, I have noticed signs every where I go and in many things I do. Recurring conversations with completely different people. Number patterns. Answers come to me in meditation that bring me good outcomes to situations. As in anything you do, with awareness and practice it becomes more and more like second nature and you are drawn to what you know. This is a massively amazing thing if you think about it. Its is like that quote “Be the change you want to see.” Once you start acting out on your hopes, dreams and wishes, you automatically immerse yourself in the world you want to create. You create your destiny. You create your reality.

Now this mindset can seemingly piss people right off. I have found that on multiple occasions of late that my belief in the above philosophies and the fact I believe no one is given a dream that they can not fulfil rubs some people right up the wrong way. I was told that it is building people up when not everyone is capable of greatness. I would say everyone has a different idea of what greatness is. And I think a person who believes in themselves, treats themselves and others with compassion and kindness and lives according to their own values and morals is a pretty fucking great human.

Yes ok, not everyone can be a famous movie star or sportsman or barrister or whatever the other “important people” titles these people have stated in their arguments against my beliefs. But from what I have come to know is not everyone wants to be that either. Many billions of souls are not inspired by that. Although when one is living in the land of ego and believe that status, fame, money and material items are whats needed to be happy then they could well think that that is what they indeed want and need in order to be fulfilled. But I bet if you cut through the shit to the core what they really want 11 times out of 10 something entirely different. Like love. Respect. Validation. To be wanted. Acknowledged. Be a part of something. Worthy. It’s not the things itself that drives them. It is all fear based emotions. Now not to say this is true of all people with stuff and status. Just true for the ones who think that the status and stuff alone will be what makes their lives better.

A beautiful example of a fucking great human is this man that comes into the cafe I work at. He has had an accident. He is in a wheelchair and is paralysed down the left side of his body. He is the same age as me. 31 years old. He has two children just like me. Quite confronting a story when I first learnt it all. We now chat every time he comes in. We became friends on social media. And his kindness and the open and loving things he posts bring a tear to my eye every time. He is open. He is compassionate. He is aware. He almost lost his chance to live this life. So unlike those stuck in a fear based mentality he appreciates all of the every day things he gets to experience. Spending time with his boys. His friends and family. And his passion of cars. Not ironically the reason he has had these experiences. And yet he still loves cars. Because he knows if this didn’t happen then he wouldn’t understand that to him greatness means being alive and present with all the people that he loves and cares for. So while clearly he won’t be a movie star or an athlete or anything of that nature, he has started a group for young individuals like himself to be part of and go through the healing journey together. Alongside some hotted up cars of course. And he always states without a doubt he has found his purpose. His niche. His genius zone.

I find this so beautiful and inspiring. And I honestly believe that when you are open and aware and a dream or vision comes to you, it is a message directed to you from a higher power. It is your soul purpose or one of the equally important steps you need to undertake in order to re-align with the soul. Whatever it is. It is your little niche. And it certainly doesn’t need to be validated or understood by anyone else. May I ask why we can be so quick to cut people down when they express their hopes and dreams rather than encouraging them to try and building them up? Just because you don’t understand something DOES NOT MAKE IT WRONG. It just means it isn’t right for you at that point in time.

So next time someone says they a going to give something a go, try resist the urge to knock the wind out to them. Be a good human. Build people up. Because I see through it. It is your own fears that lead you to have that response. Take a step back and ask yourself why someone else’s success and happiness threatens you and your beliefs?

Music is life. So many of my favourite and most imprinted memories have strong ties to a song or soundtrack. It is amazing how you can be anywhere, at any stage in your life, and a song will come on and it transports you right back to that event, that kiss, that night, that concert. Whatever it was. Whoever I was with. For a couple of minutes, it’s like I never left. I get lost in it. Especially a great love song or ballad. Just ask the guy who busted me in my car the other day.

A few blocks from home, waiting at the lights, I was full blown belting it out. Sexy Love by Neyo. Tune. And his dance moves … WOW! Anyway, I am talking eyes closed, one fist on the heart, one hand up in the air; yeah – really going for it. I opened my eyes to see if the lights were green but instead caught the eyes of a bystander. Instantly I was fire engine red. I am definitely a blusher and on top of him catching me out, he was adorable! And applauding and yelling out not to stop. Let me tell you, that was the LONGEST red light of my life.

Anyway, also the longest introduction ever! My point was going to be, that this week I will post this from my Mum and Dads house in sunny Western Australia and for that I am BEYOND grateful. A trip home was long overdue. And that every year before I head home, this tune magically or ironically starts coming up in my life. In the shops, on the radio, in movies. I love little things like this about life:)

Coming home this year has brought up a lot for me. I am in such a better place than this time last year. I have beautiful people in my life. I have my health. Two happy children and multiple exciting career opportunities. There is so many exciting things I get to share with all my loved ones back home. But there is also part of me that is a little bit nervous. And I am trying to work out why.

I really blew the lid off life in the last two years. All my stuff culminated into a series of pretty major events. I piled a life time of drama and growth into it and I am so proud of myself for where I have got to. For what I have overcome. But now that I am out the other side and coherent and no longer timid and fragile, I am pretty sure the questions are going to fly. Basically Michelle, ‘What the f**k happened!?’ And now as my new always, I will be honest and tell. These days, I am happy to share my story. It helps me be true and honest with myself and grow. If it helps others to share or learn some lessons too then that’s a massive extra bonus.

Hmmm. So It’s not that.

Maybe I am nervous that being back in that environment will test my growth. Most of our life lessons come from responses, dynamics and reactions we create in that early environment. No one can push your buttons like family after all. But no, that didn’t resonate either. I rise to a challenge and I love my family even when they drive me nuts. The tests will be beneficial for me. Help me to rectify any dynamics and responses that no longer serve me. And you can’t go backwards. Once you shift your awareness, your eyes are open. And even though going back to ignorance can sometimes seem like the easier option, your soul will eventually and always seek the truth.

So what is it this time, I keep trying to work out. And then I remembered another big part of my old life that I miss very much. My first spiritual teacher. Just like the timely playing of my going home track, his name randomly popped up on my LinkedIn account earlier this week and I got very nostalgic. An amazing man that I partially owe my awakening to. And even though at that stage of my life I wasn’t entirely ready to take on the teachings on a soul level, many of his words still permeate my thoughts. And some of those words were; ‘Every one of us quakes at the door’ (of release and change). Regardless of status, age, gender, occupation, culture, whatever; we all have fear arise when the opportunity of change presents itself and we’re at a high enough level of consciousness in which we can choose to walk through the shift.

And as that popped into my mind I realised I was nervous as I am trying to intellectualise the situation. By focusing on what may or may not happen? Will I still fit in? Will they get me? Will they be proud of me? Blah blah blah. And as I wrote that, another lightbulb. Within those three questions that I just wrote… In lies my deepest fears. Will I be part of it? Am I enough? Amazing! I just schooled myself right there:)

And it is in this journey now that I realise the true meaning of the next thing he used to say as someone would walk through the lens of fear and embrace change and growth…

‘Thank you for your time. Thank you for your trust. Thank you for your courage.’

For stepping through the door of change takes great courage, trust and diligence. But it is in taking that leap that the true wonders of life lie. In the little things. And as I sit here on the plane home, I glance to my left and see my amazing son watching in awe at a nature documentary. To my right, my beautiful daughter cackling away to a Tom and Jerry classic. And I know in my heart, how wondrous life is and how unbelievably blessed I am.

Breathe in your blessings this festive period. There is always something to be grateful for. Appreciate it. As change is inevitable. Make it easier on yourself by embracing the journey. Stop kicking and screaming. Be a part of it. Acknowledge your fears but don’t let them rule you.

Let me set the scene… It’s Saturday night. Yep arguably the most sociable night of the week. I’m on the couch, Nanna blanket draped over my lap. Lap top open. A cheesy in the best kind of way movie – Shall We Dance? – is on in the background. And even though I am only watching intermittently, I’ve still managed to get teary a couple of times. HA!

The me of not that long ago would’ve found this sad. I mean the kids are off at their dads place and I choose to spend my night like this. But truth is, Im loving it. And there is so much to be said for being happy and content in your own company. This is another massive shift for me. No numbing substances in sight – well accept the tv and lap top in this instance – but I am more and more finding I don’t even turn the tv on after the kids go to sleep. I am happy to do yoga, meditate, sit quietly, have a bath or work on things that are bringing me toward the life I want to live. Life is too short to waste precious moments I am finally realising.

So what is my point? I am alone. But I in no way feel lonely. Hallelujah!!

The only thing I have ever found harder than being alone and feeling lonely is when you are indeed with someone but you still FEEL lonely. Misunderstood. Misinterpreted. Now that is a heartbreaking kind of lonely.

So when I brought up what changes had been occurring in my life to my psychotherapist this week more stuff came to the surface. I was reflecting on how my day to day circle is getting a little smaller due to not everyone being comfortable with the new boundaries I am creating for my own self worth.

So we celebrated my strength. Then, these funny things seem to happen in these psychotherapy sessions. One minute I am sitting there going yeah how awesome am I?! All strong with my boundaries and shit! Then she simply asked me, so how do you feel about this new phase where maybe your close circle is getting smaller? And without any hesitation or thinking the word ‘LONELY’ came flying out of my mouth. Ahhhhh ok. Weird bloody creatures we are. Even though I am completely aware that all the actions I have taken to stand up for myself were valid and necessary for my growth journey, I was longing for what was. Even though the people, places or situations did not serve me, would I prefer to be back in the negatives just so I didn’t feel lonely? Hmmmm. Something to ponder.

I have thought over the years and I am sure you have probably seen it in either others relationships or possibly your own, in which you know that someone is wrong for you but you stay anyway out of all the fears that come with the idea of walking away from a situation that isn’t working for you. Whatever they may be. Fear of being alone. Fear of change. Losing friendships. Financial difficulties. Not feeling like you would find someone else. Or what I believe my deep underlying angle has been in the past. If I am alone I have no choice but to focus solely on me and my issues. No distractions. No ability to project. Its all my stuff.

I went to bed after I wrote that. Now it’s beautiful Sunday. My favourite day of the week. Everyone is in downtime mode. Taking in the day and the vibe and appreciating whatever it is that they have chosen to do. I went for a walk and had breakfast with some girlfriends and now I am back to me time. A smoothie and some WIFI at my fave local cafe. And some time to reflect again on the words of wisdom that my therapist shared with me.

Loneliness is not a thing in it’s entirety. A bit like the umbrella term ‘stress’ that we as a western society have created. You can be alone as in you are the only individual in the space you are, but we are never lonely. She encouraged me to look at the what feelings actually come up for me when I am feeling lonely. Like what is it really? Or when does it happen? ‘Because Michelle, the universe is one big bubble. It is one. We should never be lonely as we are never truly alone. Sometimes disconnected or fearful, but never alone. There is never this little void in which the universe puts you and says, “Hi Michelle down there in your own little isolated void”‘.

And as she acted out being the universe waving down to me all on my own outside the universal bubble, I couldn’t help but crack up. She is a real character. And she is 100% right. We are all one.

So next she says, ‘So what is it behind the emotions – that YOU HAVE CHOSEN to attach yourself to – that you seek?’

And once again without hesitation or thinking I said ‘Connection to myself.’

And there is the answer in a nutshell. If you ever feel lonely, look inward. Connect to you. Be honest. What is it that you need in that moment? In your life? The answer may surprise you. Mine have.

I used to insert myself into others issues. Start a fight with a partner. Use drugs and alcohol to numb. Shop for stuff I didn’t need. All to fill this imaginary void. I am in no way against any of those actions. They have their place when they are coming from a content heart and mindset. Not from a place of fear.

But when I look at it what I need and now crave, is time and space to nourish me. Time to dream. Time to take action to obtaining my goals and making my dreams come true. And I don’t feel the need to distract myself from my life right now. I guess this means I am content.

I am many things. I am awesome. I am a dreamer. A people person. A healer. A mother. A lover. A comedian. Well you get it. The list goes on….

The one thing I am not – yet – is tech savvy. I say yet as I am a determined little soul and I like to at least give it a shot. Oh and for the 1 billionth time… I am NOT a robot!! Weird world we live in where I have to answer that question multiple times daily 😉

So I have thrown myself into the deep end here, in very unfamiliar territory. In a world of widgets and plug-ins and stock photos and cookies – not the good kind – slugs and more acronyms than I care to remember. And it is as crazy as a three year olds birthday party after the piñata has exploded.

I realise at 31 years of age, I was indeed part of the generation of tech savvy children. However, growing up in country Western Australia, I like to joke I technically was approximately 10 years behind the rest of the western world and therefore I am more like a 41 year old. This holds true for some of my jokes, terminology and music choices; but when many grandparents are indeed better versed at this than I, I think my excuses are running out fast.

So here I am, doggy paddling around looking for the ladder so I can exit the water before I drown. Sometimes seemingly going around and around and around in circles never really getting to the destination I had in mind. This type of thing could send me into meltdown. I am talking good old fashioned melt down. Whereby I can see my smaller child self getting ready to stamp her foot and scream for MUUUUUUMMMMMMM!!! Lol bad idea. Probably the only person on the planet less up with this stuff than I. (Love you Mumma – I am definitely your daughter!)

So instead I thought, I need to put this into perspective. Am I going to die from this? No. So why am I so attached to the outcome? Well there is the loaded question…

I am creating my website. All of my new adventures are coming together so I can channel my energy in the forward direction. It has been a huge couple of weeks for me and I have a fire in my belly like never before. I have completed even more Reiki healing courses and have committed to exploring Pellowah – yet another modality for energy healing. Its such an amazing world I have stepped into. You can really see the possibilities only end where your imagination does. So yeah, I definitely now believe in my vision and my ability to achieve it. And I have got to a place in which I feel like WHY NOT!?

How many of us have a dream? An ideal scenario for our lifetime? In any or every area of your life. But we let the fear stop us from going after it. What will people think? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if it is hard? What if it doesn’t work out exactly as I planned? What if, what if, what IF???

All driven by fear. So I decided at this point in time. Who gives a shit?! What if any of those things happen. This journey is about me and the relationship I have with myself and where I am sitting, it would be a disservice to myself if I didn’t give it a shot. Because what’s the alternative?

Always wondering what could have been if I trusted myself and my souls journey and just gave it a go?

So in answer to all my above fears and excuses… What others think essentially is irrelevant – The ones I want around me will be supportive; It is only failure if I don’t try; If – no, not if but when – I succeed again, the people that should be there will be; Of course it will be hard at times – all things that are worth having take time, love, patience and effort; I choose to trust that everything will work out exactly as it should. I choose to no longer be ruled by fear.

~ What if I fall? But Darling, what if you fly?

And fly I will. If you feel inclined pop up to the menu bar and select the SOULBOUND dropdown. Another little adventure I have decided to undertake to broaden my horizons and find my own personal niche in this amazing shift that is taking place in the world.I am so excited to be a part of a change that encourages people to be true to themselves. To be free.

But whatever your desires, I am curious to know if you are living them out in some way to fulfil your soul? To make your heart sing. To you believe in you and your ability to have the life you dream of?

I believe in you. Fear gets you nowhere. It keeps you stuck. Faith and belief is where its at:)

Although admittedly my moments of self doubt are becoming rarer, occasionally I ponder whether I am cut out for this. Not from an ability point of veiw as I have previously discussed but because of how I percieve how people in this industry and lifestyle “should” be. It’s a dangerous word that word should. So many limitations to it.

I guess it is stereotyping in a way. Well that’s a commonly understood way to maybe explain some of what I’m talking about. So this is my attempt to decipher my thoughts in writing. Here goes…

I’m cheeky. I’m a bit wild at times. I love a good dance on a night out. I mean this Friday just gone if you were lucky enough to be down at the Imperial on Chapel St you could’ve witnessed my epic break dancing moves. Well ok, maybe just hilarious, but I’m trying to paint a picture.

I love adrenalin. I love concerts. I love loud music. I even listened to heavy metal a lot growing up and can still recite lyrics to Pantera and White Zombie songs. I like crude jokes and I swear a lot more than my mum likes. I have been in the back of a police car 3 times. I have foot in mouth disease. I have been known to drop the classic Australian proverb ‘nice indicator dickhead’ on the road. I don’t always treat my body like a temple. Or my mind for that matter. I still watch reality tv on occasion and I don’t always meditate or do my affirmations daily.

Surely, I have wondered, these are not all traits of someone going into this. I mean I need to lead by example. Practice what I preach and all that. Or as my friends in corporate roles speak of; develop ‘my brand’. And in this day in age, to an extent this is so valid. But it also kind of goes against everything I am currently developing within myself. The I’m going to be myself and be true to me, regardless of percieved consequences and others opinions of me road that I’m on – without the fuck you of course. More live and let live.

Basically, I am realising this is a small road block in my journey of ego dissolution. In a world very driven by ego and fear, I need to find the line between alienating myself by causing these fears to rise in people and being able to express my purpose in a way people can relate to.

The way it seems to me is we have forgotten to let ourselves be human to an extent. Fear is a normal thing to feel but when it has gotten to the level like now in which many are driven by it, it has become somewhat of an epidemic.

Fears and limiting beliefs are embedded into us from day dot. Often without us even realising. Its often a series of small events that slowly pull us away from the soul. Until we are of a high enough awareness or consciousness to take a look at the belief to actually see if it is indeed worthy of holding any weight on our thoughts, actions, beliefs and emotions.

This weekend someone said one the nicest thing to me I think I have ever been told. It was a guy I run into from time to time and we always have a good chat and a laugh but on this night he turned to me a said…

‘You know you speak of energy; that’s what I’ve always thought about you. You can feel when you have entered the room. The whole place just lights up. It just makes me smile’…

I was blown away. And in that moment, as parts of my ego ballooned (who doesn’t love a compliment) I also realised I appreciated this one on a soul level. For someone to not mention my physical form at all but rather the energy I bring forward and the feeling that leaves them with, was someone verbalising one of my life goals. As I believe that is my purpose. To share my light with the world. And he felt that regardless of anything else about me, my past, my hobbies, my beliefs and lifestyle. All of which are quite different to mine.

So if I think about it, it is this exact fact that makes me cut out for this. I am relatable. It is my experiences that have brought me to this place. And I am continuously equally grateful and intrigued by the beautiful souls I am encountering along the way. I’m growing to. I am on this journey also. Whilst I will guide people, I will be in the process right along side them. That will make us all feel like we are not alone in this.It will add to the power. That is the unbelievably awesome thing about this journey I am going through and am starting to share. And I will continue to grow. We can all learn from each other. You can be into whatever you want. Do whatever you want. Live and work wherever you want. Drive whatever you want. Be whatever background, culture or religion you choose. In fact you are encouraged to be whatever flavour you want to be. As long as it’s true to you, it will taste delicious! And as long as those choices feed your souls wants, needs and desires and not your ego.

Also without judgement of how others choose to do it. If everyone loved choc chip mint flavoured ice-cream how boring this world would be. Celebrate difference. It is in opening your mind and heart to differences that breeds acceptance, understanding and love. Just because something is right for you, doesn’t make it right for someone else.

So my task is to carry this forward into the next. Completely discard my opinions and false beliefs on how anyone in any role “should” behave. We all need to stop and adjust our halo from time to time. Without that, we wouldn’t be the amazing, interesting, evolving and diverse creatures that we are.

Keep on spreading your individual light on the world. Without fear. Because the ones that are supposed to get you will.And love and acceptance is all we need to fulfil any internal goal ever written.

I have had so many moments in the last few weeks in which both myself and those around me are noticing and saying ‘Wow. You’ve changed!’ Well I say, I’ve changed and fuck, but you get my drift.

Such examples include: I left a close friends bday party sober and early as I had responsibilities the next day; I played wing woman and not the flirt for one of my girls on a Thursday; I assertively stood up for myself in multiple situations of being disrespected by customers, colleagues and a close friend; and I’ve stepped back from multiple scenarios around me in which I now see I was trying to ‘fix’ and I’ve learnt I don’t need to. It’s not my journey.

Basically I’ve been saying yes to things that benefit me and my growth and a big loud NO to things that don’t.

The one thing however that has surprised me a little, is underneath all the years of feeling deep sadness about allowing myself to be treated badly and suppressing my wants, needs and desires; I’m actually quite fucking angry. And in ways it’s starting to come out. But here’s the deal. I think it’s a good thing.

Lol I know, I know; I always find the good in every situation, but here is what I have come to know. Anger is demonised. As a society we site it as an expression of lack of control, denote it as a lack of understanding of our emotions and how to deal with them in a positive way and fuel it as something we should fear and be ashamed of feeling.

In arguments, if one person is showing outward ‘anger’ in terms of yelling and frustration while the other is crying, the ‘angry’ person is seen as the perpetrator. But if you step back from the emotions; neither person is rationally coping, showing control or showing deep understanding of how to deal with the situation at hand. Yet the ‘angry’ person is the bad guy. Up until recently I would have thought so too. Until I started to really take ownership of myself and my emotions.

I make me happy; I make me sad.

Now don’t get me wrong, I in no way condone violent, intimidating and threatening behaviour. But to me those expressions aren’t anger. It’s actually rage. As anger itself is at times truly beneficial. It is a pure natural state that we have a right to feel when we perceive we are done wrong by. It is when anger is acted out in either the under-expression – passive/victim mentality – or the over-expression – rage/perpetrator mentality – that in lies the issue. But anger itself, is a natural state.

So as I sat in my therapy session just gone, I mentioned to Amber about this anger that’s been coming up. It’s like I’ve stripped back all the sadness and victim in me and what lies beneath has been bubbling away for some time. Another layer dear onion. Urgh. I felt yuk about myself. Anger is such an ugly emotion I thought. And all those other false beliefs that I listed about it a couple of paragraphs ago.

So the most heartening thing, I could’ve heard in that moment, was exactly what Amber said. ‘Oh my god, yes!!! That’s music to my ears. So you should be!’

And in that moment, I realised it was more than ok. It was something to celebrate. I have lived through years of abandonment, hurt, loss, addiction, physical, emotional and sexual abuse and played it out as the victim. I have passively allowed so many things and situations to occur in my 31 years that have led me to this time right here and now. The universe kept the scenarios coming until I got the point. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF WOMAN!!

So right now in my journey, for me that’s what I will do. I need to feel this anger to move me into action and out of the place of victim in which I have spent my entire time in this body. I have a right to feel it. I do not feel I have to justify why I feel it. And for me right now, it’s moved me into a forward shift. I’m backing myself. Making decisions that benefit me. I’m not taking others stuff on. I’m personalising things less. I’m beginning to really see my power and strength in a whole new light. And god it is freeing!

So whatever feeling you are feeling, don’t beat yourself up for it. Don’t judge yourself or the emotion. It is valid and neccessary. Take the time to look at it. Figure out why it is that you feel that way. Know that you have every right to feel the way you do about any situation or scenario in your life. Your feelings matter. And by being true to them, it will always pull you through.

So I’m happy to sit with this now. Embrace it as me. Necessary for my journey. Eventually it will even out as I gain even more awareness of my reactions. But I now know, I can feel whatever I want, whenever I want to. Don’t demonise your emotions. The power is in what you choose to do with them.

Here we go again… Another Sunday night, another teary puffy eyed me, laying in bed listening to love songs, pondering today’s latest trials, tribulations, releases and wins. Let’s just say, I’ve been grateful this year for hay fever season. It’s a brilliant excuse for the red swollen eyes. Ha! Not really selling this journey right now am I!? I do believe though if the tears are there, they are so for a reason. Don’t fight. Let them come out. And seriously this song …. Melts my heart!

This beautiful rainy Spring Sunday, I woke to the sound of the weather tapping on my bedroom window. Ahhhh. One of my favourite things in the world. I can still picture myself as a very young girl around the age of 3-4 being soothed by the sound of the raindrops on our old farmhouse tin roof. Still to this day, that sounds takes me back there to that feeling. Being warm and tucked in bed, while the unkept world continued on around me. Upon reflection right now writing this, this is one of the few memories I have where I remember feeling safe.

I’ve always been a self soother. And this is what really shifted for me today. In the safety and security of the beautiful souls in my course, I had one of the deepest releases I have ever experienced. It came deep from my gut and I had no control over myself as it poured from my physical body in the same fashion my false beliefs have flooded my mind.

What started as a conversation about me feeling apprehensive about my ability of taking on the role of coach upon completing the course, quickly evolved into a memory of percieved abandonment as my child self that had not so ironically been brought into the forefront in my therapy appointment on Thursday. As I watched my mum walk away from me in my time of distress, I made it mean I wasn’t worth the effort. I wasn’t enough. BAM just like that!

Where the fuck did that come from? I was honestly astonished in myself. How once I opened the flood gates, how my internal dialogue spewed out of my mouth faster than a commentator calling a horse race. The links I have made one thing to mean another. The interesting ways in which my perception of a situation that has helped shape my life and experiences. When my mum walking away in that moment could have been for so many reasons, I made it mean that.

As a mum now myself, this is part terrifying knowing I myself have had to walk away from both my children when upset at times to preserve my own sanity. But it also shows no matter how mindful and consciously we parent or behave in any situation really, we’re all human we all react to certain triggers and we never have control over how someone else will perceive our actions. Their response will directly reflect where they are in their journey. As an opportunity for them to learn and grow within themselves.

So to bring this release to a head Eryka asked me to call my mums energy into the room and allow her energy in to love and nourish me exactly as she has always intended it to. And believe me she has. Has it always been in ways I can recieve it. No. But her intention has always been there. It was me, that had along the way forgotten to allow. I had to focus on opening myself to the experience of really allowing and feeling that love in my heart space. Without expectation or blame. Just be with the intention and feeling of love. And as soon as I realised that it was me that had stopped allowing it in out of fear of being abandoned again, the energy flowed into me. I instantly felt lighter. Loved. Nourished. Connected.

Now don’t get me wrong, it was not this one experience that created this strong belief in me. But as we develop these false ideas or belief systems inside us, it is human nature to find or seek out evidence to support our story. You know the phenomenon where as soon as you look into something, all of a sudden you start seeing it everywhere. As Eryka put it, when you decide you want a red car, all of a sudden you see red cars everywhere. So we seek out things to support and hence add strength to our belief we’re too fat, too skinny, not smart enough, not successful, not rich enough or whatever you perceive you are or aren’t. The thing is if you really look at these false ideas, they’re absolutely full of shit. Or there is something else deeper underlying the percieved issue. Which is where the real soul work begins.

So then as I sit across from one of the most beautiful, animated and insightful souls I have ever met in our next workshopping task, she said something that clicked. I have to take my mind there before my physical form will catch up. The power of intention and visualisation. If action seems too much right now, just start with the intent. The intent to will in what we do want. Allow your mind to expand. Believe in it. Let yourself feel what it would be like to have the life you dream of. In whatever aspect you like. So imagine myself down the track, helping others. Guiding them lovingly through this journey. Allowing them to release all their past hurts and tensions so they stop robbing them of their happiness and wants, needs and desires on a soul level. Empowering them to their own soul power. And let me tell you the visual tickles me pink on every level. And what better time energetically to set these intentions then around this super moon lunar event tomorrow evening.

As for love. The lyrics from the song above give me the feeling I want to feel with my love. I am setting this intention right here and now. And from here on out I will attempt to have my actions reflect this intention and imagery until it manifests into my physical world. Because that’s the kind of love I want to share in. And today opening my heart and allowing love in was truly phenomenal. I didn’t realise that I wasn’t allowing and that hence in turn I wasn’t able to recieve. Now I’ve turned it on, the stars are the limit and they’re shining brighter then ever. And that my dears, is just so heartwarming 💖💖

Yeah…. fuck, I sat there thinking. I can see the good, the beautiful, the light in everyone around me. I now see it in me a lot of the time. How ridiculous is this belief I am unworthy of love.

This dissolution of ego work is powerful. It is a path for the brave. The courageous. The fearless.

To strip away the layers to reveal why we do what we do. To evoke change. Renewal. Instil a self love the doesn’t waver, quake or rely on others opinions for survival.

For someone who doesn’t get it, I may seem cray-cray. Why the hell would I voluntarily dig up my entire existence to look at the shit and feel all of it so deeply and intensely. Why do I ‘overanalyse’, ‘decipher’ and act so ‘over emotional’ about things in my life. Believe me, I have questioned myself before. But when I sit back and watch, even the people who question my decision to take this path, struggle in their lives. Sometimes, more than I. For I understand the good and the percieved bad in my life is all just part of my journey. It doesn’t need to be feared.

I believe this path is where my lives events have led me. This life, these experiences chose me. They chose my soul, as I am ready for the next step. To bring love light and healing to my world and in turn to others. I do not judge those that are not ready to look at themselves, as I know the immense courage I have had to muster to continue on my path. I also know, but more importantly FEEL, it is 100% worth it.

As I become more aware, I can pick up on those around me. And let me tell you, the fear of not being enough in many of us, is immense. The way we conduct ourselves. The things we tell ourselves make us happy, whole, complete. The way we act out to engage love. The way we sabotage. Down play our feelings and abilities. Deflect. Blame. Over-compensate. Any behaviour that helps to stop us really looking inward and at our own shit. We’re all masters of it. But I have had enough. And I want to energetically encourage others to make the shift too. Not through preaching but by example. You will find it if it is meant for you. And I wholeheartedly believe it is a freedom beyond anything you could imagine.

The ego. In our human form, it is activated for survival. We are dropped into the body we occupy to carry out the experiences we need to in order to learn the lessons that we need to learn to grow. To raise your vibration. The only reason our ‘reality’ is percieved the way it is, is due to the vibrational frequencies we operate at as a collective. For you non- believers even modern day science agrees with this. There is so much we don’t ‘ know’ regarding where we come from, the afterlife, and other dimensions to mention just a few concepts. But the one thing all belief systems have in common is that the goal of living is to rise. Move towards understanding, knowledge, enlightenment and in turn, true peace. Become the light if you will. The goal is to learn to just BE.

The elements us humans need to survive are debatable. I mean the Breatharians survive on air alone. This blows my mind. But the one thing I believe all humans need, is connection and love. To our earth, to eachother and to ourselves. As a species if there is not someone there from the moment of birth to tend to us in some capacity, we die. We can not survive. Whether this level of connection or love is delivered in the way we can recieve though, is down to your experience. And herein lies, our first lessons.

If you really think about it, this frees up so much. This paves the way to understanding, love, compassion and forgiveness for all life. If our strongest driving force is survival, and all the ways in which we act out is to facilitate this; emotionally, mentally, physically; then we are just like the rest of the animal kingdom. We do what we do to survive.

So in my experience, my perception of how to be loved in my environment was to people please. To take on others emotions and attempt to keep the peace, make people happy and do things to make them proud to compensate for what I percieved they were missing. In this acting out, I told myself that I alone wasn’t enough. I had to take on personas and behave in certain ways to be accepted and hence loved. Not right or wrong. This is just my perception of my environment. As my brother and sister experienced it differently. More evidence that we all have our own seperate lessons we are here to learn.

So why am I writing this? Well people are starting to ask me what is it that I am learning. And I am getting ready to really share this experience.

Our ego is something we all hold dear. It is our safety net. Our go to. The sheild in which we experience the first 7 years of our life. But if you are reading this my bet is something is or has happened that has made you realise that your old patterns of behaviour no longer serve you. This is because those elements, behaviours or personas you took on to survive do not align to your true self. That bright light or soul that’s voice was there before all the day to day noise on earth muffled it’s sound.

Its ok to want what you want. But it’s so much more gratifying when you know why you want it. What nourishes you. What brings you life. Love. Happiness. Light.

The life you want is possible. In every aspect. I truly believe this. We just often lose sight of that chasing what we think we want.

And trust me, I would put my life on the fact that whatever the universe has planned for you, is greater and more fulfilling than your wildest dreams. You just have to align.

Lets affirm: I am deserving of all that is good in this world. I invite prosperity and abundance into my world. I am safe and loved. I am enough.

So as I sat at my crystal and candle shrine channelling the new moon energy tonight, I wrote my 5 new moon intentions for this moon cycle. My coach Eryka encouraged me when my response to another text showed her straight away I was a bit foggy. You know when you overcompensate. Like I’m just so fucking fabulous and happy right now and everything is peachy keen. I am 100% definitely not in my shit today!

Well, she saw right through this attempt and gave me the above proactive task to shift my focus to something worth engaging in. It’s so common for emotions to be high at this point of the moon cycle. Even if you think I’m a nut job here, think about the power of the moon. It’s gravitational pull controls our oceans tides, it brings us light in an otherwise pitch black night, and many people throw around comments of people going a tad weird around the full moon aspect of the cycle.

In fact, multiple studies have discovered strong positive correlations between increases in crime rate on the nights of a full moon. But as all energy, there are light and shadow aspects depending on the individual and where they are at in there own personal journey. Mother Nature however, sees the new moon as a time for renewal. A chance to regenerate, restore and nourish. She channels it into the light aspect. Hence why it is a perfect time to cleanse your crystals, spaces and yourself if you are open to it.

Any way…. Massive digression there 🤓

One of my 5 intentions was to attract a loving, caring, spontaneous, passionate and safe man into my life. No rush but these intention things can take time for the universe to deliver, so I thought I’d get in early to show the forces I am at least open to it. I am definitely over and beyond the bs now. I know what I deserve and I know one day we will find eachother. But there has definitely been a little nagging thought in the back of my mind fuelled by my perception of information I had recieved around chemistry in a therapy session.

Is it possible to have BOTH passion and safety?

I thought I got a brief glimmer of this at one point, but it was all smoke and mirrors as it turned out to definitely not be a safe place to invest my heart. So in my experience, the answer has been no. I have experienced either one or the other. And honestly, I’m confused as to which I prefer.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a massicist. Obviously safety within a relationship is an essential part of the dynamic in order for it to be healthy, but in my opinion so is a healthy sex life. And not just sex. But passion in life, in each other’s stories and interests, in keeping the love alive and the want to grow together. So damn it, I want both!

So in comes the universe. It honestly blows my mind on an hourly basis most days. When your plugged in, it’s quite amazing how we’re all entwined. The people we come across to learn our lessons. Whether it be for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Last night, I ended up somewhere unexpected in quite a random manner too. It all just happened quickly and as I tend to do, I just went with it. It was a night like a choose your own adventure book. Never a dull moment. Anyway, so I come across this guy. And he was intriguing to say the least.

He was quite a dominant personality, which I can at times not feel like being around when everyone is trying to mingle, but this guy had my full attention. He was a very knowledgable guy who had honestly crammed so much into his 40 years in terms of careers and degrees, you couldn’t help but take your hat off to him. So when it evolved he was also a trained psychotherapist, I was in for the long haul. Because my sessions are all about my stuff, I’ve never really delved into why she does certain things she does. So my questions were flying at him. I’d say poor bloke, but he actually didn’t seem to mind the 50 questions. And the answers were all well worded and carefully considered so I quickly trusted his professional judgement.

So then the four barrelled question I was dying to ask. Does he believe it is possible to have both strong chemistry or passion AS WELL AS the feeling of being safe within a long term relationship? Or is that intense passion or chemistry we feel with someone, actually not a good sign of long term success? Is it more of a lust thing, that then wears off as you get to know them and realise you’re the only one who cleans up the clothes on the floor that you just ripped off eachother?

We’ve all heard the saying, ‘You don’t want to marry the hottest sex guy’. Those really intense sexual energy pulling types are likely to be energetically picked up on by many other hopeful girls looking for that sexual bliss. But from my life time and listening to my friends, in the healthiest and most long term relationships, the sex was good. There was love, care, concern and still happy endings. But rarely have I heard these situations to be with that one time or person that their girl parts will never forget. Or that it stays passionate and exciting.

Anyway, as I finish my speal, he was looking at me with an excited expression. When he spoke, I got why. He was telling me my dreams can indeed come true. And the term for this love connection is the ‘Euphoric Love’. Which by the way, is whatever you desire it to be. It’s your ultimate. You’re ideal. And barring you’re after something completely out of the ordinary, these types of relationships are 100% possible. If you’re both willing to put in the time, love and effort.

Well thank YOU Doc! That’s all the encouragement I needed!

He went on to tell me how my chances increase immensely from the work I am doing on myself and also a couple of tell tale signs that you found your one. It should actually just always feel normal. Comfortable. Like home. But then spark with a kiss. Sex will feel like you can’t even remember if there was anyone else you had ever been with, but not in a lustful intense way, in a safe, loving and pleasurable way that just grows and grows with the rest of your compatible and loving connection.

Ahhhhhhhhhh……

I had to walk away at the point and calm myself down. I mean this guy not only described my bliss, he told me it’s realistic. Achievable. And that I should aim for the stars.

What a gorgeous human being! I just love how lucky I am to consistantly meet so many amazing people on my journey.

And as I mentioned this sentiment to him, he floored me again with a phrase that I always say. ‘Well of course Michelle. Like seeks like.

Mind officially over excited and blown!

It just keeps on coming! Exciting times! Wishing you all your ‘ Euphoric Love’ match.