Sunday, January 17, 2016

God Issues Statement of Apology Over Bowie, Rickman Deaths

Larry “God” Schumway, CEO of Holy Trinity,
Inc., held a press conference early Friday morning outside the Pearly
Gates western entrance to the Kingdom of Heaven, where he apologized
profusely and repeatedly for the deaths of rock icon David Bowie and
acting legend Alan Rickman within mere days from each other. Both men
were 69-years-old and died after their own bouts with cancer.

“Sometimes our incoming and outgoing departments get a little
mixed-up around the first of the year,” Schumway said as the press
conference was ending, “and well, I’m just really sorry about this.” God
said that he was “just gutted” by the fact that he had to take
“two tremendously gifted artists” and “that was probably too much.”

“I should’ve at least offset this by taking a Duggar or Pat Robertson
instead of one of them,” God said, “but paperwork moves slowly around
here and I had no idea that this was the week we were scheduled to
receive both David and Alan.”