Wednesday, June 30, 2010

At around 3am Friday I ended up with forever pal Megan Besmirched (bewitching artist) and new pal Jeff Hinton (buyer of beers) at a bar they had been to the night before and were excited about me seeing. Called Sidekicks at 4424 W Montrose, it's the everything is just weirdly off bar. Now I fully realize I'm in no position to judge, I'm sure I could end up being BFF with half the folks there, the owners might be the most wonderful people ever and if I lived next door chances are it would be my new hangout. Having said that.It's not obviously horrible like a sports bar that was decorated in a day when they bought a bunch of memorabilia and screwed it into the walls, or a place with thumping Ke$ha tunes where I can only converse in my eyes (which I can do just fine, M'Lady), but strange in a much more enjoyable "What's wrong with this picture" kinda way. Brightly lit with a crowd that looks like they were just snatched and transported randomly from anywhere USA, a Walmart, a theme park or traffic court and plopped down among the odd arrangement of bar stools, benches and booths. For goodness sake, Bon Jovi was playing over the speakers, the crown prince of lowered expectations.I snapped a couple pics inside the Men's room to show Megan that summed it up for me. Two posters show a bikini clad gal made devoid of personality and anonymous by her teased '80's hair covering her face bent over a red porsche. She holds prop tools while the sexual innuendo license plates read "Hot Wax" and "Tite Fit". They are so AMAZINGLY lowest common denominator that you can't take your eyes off them. It would be impossible to purposefully be so cleverness and bland, which makes them magical.I'm here to love, not dis, so don't get me wrong, I LIKE Sidekicks!I recommend you go there and come up with your list of odd observations, I know I'll be back!

Just arrived! The Vader Project auction catalog from Freeman!But, through some horrible error, my painted helmet is surprisingly NOT on the cover, but stuck on page one hundred and forty freaking' six!I don't know if you've noticed, but I put in a lot of my own personal time slowly explaining, over and over again, how amazingly wonderful and talented I am. Apparently there are still some ignit folks that gots too much wax in their ears, 'cause obviously they ain't listening'!Anywho, the auction is Saturday July 10th, and you can check out all the cool creations at-www.freemansauction.com

Now I know when I'm being manipulated (at least some of the time), and I realize that Leo was getting ready for the announcement that the cell phone was never to be found, but hell, if the payoff is a big hug, manipulate away!And yes, I turned around and got my prize!

Yesterday while Birthday Boy Leo was half heartily "searching" through his room for his cell phone (which it turns he well knew he lost 2 weeks ago), he came down the stairs to tell me he thought he heard a prowler leave something on my drawing table.

Well, maybe only one other item has spoken to me more loudly than the Mammalia Americana, and that's the "Stuffed Girl's Head". Now you folks might have to work a little harder 'cause it comes in Blonde, Brunette and Redhead and I'm gonna need a dozen of each.

As I continue to get closer and closer to reaching some kind of conclusion in my home decorating, there are still a few significant gaps. That's why I'm gonna mix it up today with-Flea Market WANTS!You'd think, with the millions (aka dozens) of fine people reading this blog, that if you all scoured every garage sale, ebay listing and corner of your grandparents attic it would be a snap to come up with these items. Is that to much to ask?First off- the Mammalia Americana. Has any product ever screamed "Mitch" more than this?!

While enjoying all the various depiction's of genitalia, a hot blonde in a skimpy red outfit yoo-hooed, "Mitch, it's me, Kirk!" I'm sure my face went blank because I needed the next 5 seconds to devote entirely to figuring this out. 4...3...2...1... "Oh, KIRK!" Kirk will always be a BFF. Years back he was involved in promoting Lucha wrestling at the Congress Theatre. I emailed the theatre beforehand to see if I could bring in a camera and Kirk responded gettin' all generous giving Leo and me press passes and free front row tickets. Anyone who helps me make the impression to my kids that I got it goin' on is aces with me.Anyway, I was completely enamored of his performance piece. Kirk was walking around in his hostess outfit selling egg salad sandwiches. Now, I like egg salad sandwiches just fine, but they always seem like an iffy proposition. At first he was limiting himself to the restrooms which would make the thought of consuming egg salad even more distressing, but by hour 6 of walking around with those wonder bread bacteria boys (after I had seen them fall to the ground at least once while Kirk tried to get inattentive passerby's to unintentionally step in them), "distressing" became the most kind word you could come up with to describe the thought of ingesting 'em. Finally the performance reached a climax as I watched a blissful young patron of the arts munch down on her Kirk purchased snack. I only hope she washed it down with very, very many shots of germ killing bourbon.Now that's art at it's best!

A couple more highlights from last weekends The Dirty Show!Along with the erotic art, there were a slew of performance artists. The amazing Maya Sinstress (not done justice on my iphone photo) sweetly sat at her makeshift boudoir, and with a needle and thread, daintily sewed her lips shut. I watched grimacing next to the lucky soon to be Mr. Sinstress, pal and artist Jeremy Scheuch, and asked him, in typical rube fashion, "Doesn't that hurt?!" Jeremy respond in a matter of fact shrug, "She likes it."This is where a comment about how all women should be seen and not heard, but I have a feeling Maya could do a lot of damage sewn up or not, so I'm gonna keep my mouth shut too.

Now men, this is all for your ears only. Ladies like a big side dish of sensitive salad, so slop it on their plate with dollops of extra sweet dressing. It'll help pave the landing strip of love."Pilot to tower, I want to hear where you're coming from. Tell me more so I can understand the real you!""Tower to pilot, you're all clear to land that 747!"

With that in mind, you'll also want to pack a set of what I call, "ready for action" wear. A 'lil skimpy sumpthin-sumpthin to tease right before your vixen claws it off in a frenzied fit of watch out the pots about to boil over lust.

Gentlemen, clothing, they say, makes the man. Of course, draping me in fabric is akin to wallpapering the Sistine Chapel, a thing of beauty should obviously be available for all to gaze adoringly at. But, sadly, we have misguided "laws" which make it "wrong" for "me" to frolic outside as God intended. So, instead of watching my adonis-like sinewy figure grocery shop in all it's pale freckled glory clad only in a fanny pack, ladies must make due daydreaming 'bout what's goin' on underneath those outasight fashions!Uh-huh, OUTASIGHT! If I'm gonna hafta dress, you know M.O'C is gonna do it right-on!First of all, this clothes horse ain't galloping to Sears. I do 99% of my shopping at Eleganza! Besides lookin' "with-it", I can store a change of clothes, toothbrush, shaving kit and a quart of Brute cologne under those bad boy collar flaps.That comes in handy when I've got an overnight stay with my lady du jour, if you know what I'm talkin' about, and I think you do!

Congrats to The Belmont Burlesque Revue on being voted #1 in "The Best Of" Reader poll! Get your tickets for Saturday's show for a guaranteed good time (I already have mine)!http://www.belmontburlesque.com/home.php

Ladies are looking for a few things in a gentleman-Looks. Check!Charm. Check!Money. Did I mention how charming I am?The phrase "Starving Artist" is not just a random pairing of words, but an accurate description of the canvas ceiling of financial success most doodlers attain. To score the trifecta of eligibility, I've decided to seriously consider other career paths.Now, being a Freelance Artist, it might be a smooth transition to becoming a Freelance Castrator....

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The options are limitless with this shorn canvas. I won't be going for the "I'm insecure so I'm wearing a hairpiece" look, I'll be hoisting my freak flag options depending on my feelings of the moment. Kinda like a hairy mood ring.

Now even I know I need no changes to this perfect porcelain proboscis, but, like my personal friend and protégée Lady GaGa, I'll be using The Anita Nose Adjuster as more of a trend setting fashion statement.

I spent a few enjoyable hours today gazing in the mirror making various expressions, sassy, sassy/pouty, sassy/pouty/surprised, sassy/pouty/surprised/determined, etc., and I found out if I make a HUGE ear to ear smile there is a slight 1/4" crease that forms at the edge of each of my eyes. I'm thinking this is what they call… a wrinkle. Naturally I felt faint and had to spend another few hours in the fluffy toy animal room gently rolling in the faux fur to calm down, but with this magic cure I'll be able to venture out in public any day now!

Never have the words "Practical" and "Good Looking" made more sense than with this addition to the M.O'C gym. For maximum results, instead of the 12 minutes a day they recommend, I keep it in all day long!

I'm working on a little physical self improvement."Whoa there Mitch", you justifiably gasp. "The words 'improve' and 'Mitch" make no sense in the same sentence!"(nodding seriously) Obviously you're right 'lil buddy. Maybe I have a touch of what those Victoria Secret models have when they worry there're too fat when they hit 80 pounds. I know it's ridiculous, but let's see if I can take this 10 to a 12! Yes, it's true I act all indignant and huffy when the ladies pinch me on the ass whenever I bend over to pick up my wrench or saw. I go through my speech about how I'm a real person with real feelings, not just a big juicy hunk of grade A 100% USDA approved beefy man meat... but we all know I secretly love it!

Leo and I went to the local Korean Market/Deli (I'm sure it has a real name, but I don't know it), to get a 'lil sumpthin' for supper (Kieran was out with the neighbors). We couldn't find the chicken he remembered, so we got some sushi and a batch of things that were long and covered with thick batter. In retrospect it's funny (and telling) that I was sold on just the deep fried aspects of our choice. Not for one second did I wonder what was lurking inside.We sat down to watch Unbreakable (not as great as I remembered) and happily much away. Whatever was in my mouth was awfully chewy and my brain started to kick in with belated concern. I peeked inside and saw ... tentacles."Leo, I think we're eating squid or octopus or something!""Dad", Mr. Culinary responded dismissively, "I LIKE calamare!"I was feeling those little arms starting to work their way out of my stomach toward my mouth. Leo started to take a closer look at his entree."Oh My God! It has suction cups! I'm feel sick!"he moaned.We finished the meal eating lots of safe and identifiable tortilla chips.When Kieran came home we mischievous boys couldn't wait to now "pay it forward", but in a naughty way."Honey, you won't believe what we ate for supper", I showed her the plate of uneaten horrors. "Take a peek inside of of those!"I left the kitchen 'cause I sure as hell wasn't going to look at it again. No screams emanated from down the hall. Smiling, she came back to the living room with a plateful of all the tentacles sans coverings."Dad, I made something for you!""Eeek! I'm not going to look!" I squealed."Leo, would you like some?" she sweetly inquired."Kieran, GET THOSE AWAY FROM ME!"Leo and I ran away. Kiean shouted behind us, "You BABIES!"Good times!

Why do people drink? Because it's FUN!But after many years of stumbling around, forgetting where you parked the car (or even if you took the car), vomiting on your hosts carpet (who moved the bathroom?) and finding out your family and friends plan to throw something called an "intervention" party in your honor, you might have started to feel that the thrill is gone.Not any more!Now, with this proptastic comedy gold, you can reclaim your lampshade crown as the life of the party!

-show's you ALL you need to know 'bout kickin' back.The hair of the dog does it all!It'll intensify depression, lead to anger and violence, and in my case, "chattiness". Why in the world would you want to smoke pot and subject yourself to the dreaded horror of "mellow"?!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

While walking 12 year old daughter Kiearn to school, she made a pained expression and moaned, "These shoes are 2 sizes too small!".I said, what seemed to me, an obvious reply, "Then why are you wearing them?"

Using her favorite "you are a dope" tone she responded, "Because they go with my outfit!

His Suaveness smooth talkin' it up with Gloria Steinem. Again called my Dad 'cause I had a feeling there was a story that went along with the photo. There is, but I have promised not to tell it. High Five Dad!

A photo of my parents when we lived in Flushing NY spendin' time at their friends apartment right down the hall.Young (both still in their 20's!) +1968 + Drunk + Singing along to Sgt. Pepper = Good Times!

Is it now quite obvious where the M.O'C cool emanates from?!Just called the elder O'Connell to see what's up with that white fingernail (I just picked one of many fashion decisions to discuss). He says he has no idea what I'm talking about. Don't worry, I'll get it out of him!

You had a titillating tour of the amorous alleys, bouncy back streets and hot 'n heavy highways of Chicago - now it's time for your shots. A little dose of education!Take a field trip with me and enjoy few of the kiddie matinees Chicago theaters screened in ye olden days.