Royal wedding: Hey – let's be careful out there

Never mind the tedious Muslims Against Crusades and English Defence League, the real problem is the Met's citizen policing

A a crack team of English Defence League idiots will be risking prosecution to form 'a ring of steel round that wedding' Photograph: PA Wire/Press Association Images Pa/PA Wire/Press Association Images

• We begin with security news, specifically the fear that the happy couple's carriage might have to run the gauntlet of tedious little chaps waving placards like "Death to those who insult the peace of Islam". Muslims Against Crusades claimed they're calling off their protest, but did so under a banner reading "Wanted: Prince William … Modern Day Nazi" – so they may still be in play.

I know what you're thinking – why don't these dullards just bore off and enjoy the bank holiday? – but apparently it's not that simple. Indeed, in a massive dullard-off, any homicidal pacifists may have to contend with those tedious little chaps from the English Defence League, whose leader Tommy Robinson – the one who runs a tanning salon, if you can picture anything so coeur de lion – has announced that a crack team of his idiots will be risking prosecution to form "a ring of steel round that wedding". (Tommy himself will be away on his holidays, probably defending England somewhere overseas.)

Ever the victims, the Metropolitan police have declined to rise above such posturing, instead persisting in their brilliant strategy of dividing the entire nation into people who are either for them or against them, as opposed to merely stuck with them. Thus they appear to have decided that the royal wedding marks the official launch of citizen policing – which is a bit like citizen journalism, but with the ability to park in a disabled bay whilst buying a pasty.

"We really need you to be our eyes and our ears," Assistant Commissioner Lynne Owens implored the nation at an outreach press conference. "If you see anything or anyone in the crowd who is acting suspiciously, please bring it to the earliest attention of our officers."

Lynne offers no advice on what to do if that person acting suspiciously is a police officer, but the obvious answer would be to bring it to the earliest attention of no one at all. Furthermore, citizen police who believe that putting in 40 minutes of half-arsed vigilance on the day will entitle them to claim endless overtime then go on the sick for two years are likely to be disappointed. That concludes your briefing, officers. And hey – let's be careful out there.

• Once again, the royal wedding presents a chance to assess Where We're At as a nation, as fifth-tier celebrity mag New quizzes the cast of ITV2's apocalypse-hastening reality format The Only Way Is Essex about their plans for Friday. It was in Downton Abbey, you might recall, that Maggie Smith's Dowager Countess was moved witheringly to ask: "What is a weekend?" Now, in New magazine, we find the inquiry's modern equivalent. "What's a bank holiday?" inquires bemused The Only Way Is Essex star Joey Essex. "A day off? But we don't work anyway!"

• To Australia, that fabled young country, where a TV comedy troupe perceives itself to have been personally insulted by the Queen, Clarence House, and the BBC. The Chaser team are contracted to the ABC network, and had hoped to layer droll commentary on top of the live BBC coverage being provided to foreign rights holders. Alas, the fairly standard broadcast agreement forbids this – which senior executives have taken as some kind of international diplomatic insult.

"Clearly, the BBC and Clarence House have decided The Chaser aren't acceptable," fumes ABC director Kim Dalton, rather sweetly imagining that either of the above has the remotest idea who The Chaser are. As for the Aussie satirists themselves, they say: "The Chaser team accepts that the ABC has been put in an impossible position by people acting on behalf of the royal family."

Well quite – and it does seem wildly short sighted of the BBC, who seem to have forgotten that the boot will one day be on the other foot. After all, at some point in the future, tragic Steve Irwin's daughter Binky is going to get married, and the Beeb has just condemned British viewers to an unleavened four-hour state ceremony from the Crocosseum. Another spectacular cock-up by the cultural relativism department, all told, and we can only offer Australia our sincerest apologies.