The Gaypocalypse is moving more swiftly than originally anticipated, as the erosive influence of the radical homosexual agenda seeps into one of the innermost bastions of sanctimonious Straightville -- an evangelical church where parishioners are being encouraged to do something once considered the exclusive province of sex-crazed queers -- make lots and lots of whoopie.

"Mr. Young, an author, a television host and the pastor of the evangelical Fellowship Church, issued his call for a week of “congregational copulation” among married couples on Nov. 16, while pacing in front of a large bed. Sometimes he reclined on the paisley coverlet while flipping through a Bible, emphasizing his point that it is time for the church to put God back in the bed."

Oh, sure -- it may look innocent at first glance -- but let's take a good hard look here: The pastor "reclined on the paisley coverlet while flipping through a Bible". If that's not a scene out of an actual gay porn flick, I'll eat my hat.

And surely this phrase alone -- "Congregational Copulation" -- is enough to send up rainbow warning flags, don't you agree?

As everyone knows, we queers are always having lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of wild gay sex (apparently, even lesbians have gay sex -- who knew?) -- and no, I don't need to cite any of the hundreds of articles and blog-posts that claim this, because, as I said, everyone already knows it.

That's why we must never, ever, ever be allowed to get married -- because our steamy, saucy, sex-rompy marriages would make straight marriage look so pallid and undesirable by comparison, and as Pastor Young says: "if you make the time to have sex, it will bring you closer to your spouse and to God" -- so everyone would want to be gay-married.

Because if the good pastor is right, and the rumors about our sex-lives are true, then we queers must be very, very, very close to God.

(Serious true story: When my fundie brother-in-law used to insist that AIDS was God's curse on gays, I would simply reply: "Hmmm. Then, since lesbians have the lowest risk-rate for HIV infection, we must be God's Chosen People! Yippee!" This has been another Portly lesson in how to turn twisted Christianist logic to your own advantage.)

End snarky, sarcastic portion of post

Begin serious, analytical portion of post.

When 'Liss emailed me the link with this comment: "Something about this (no, everything about this!) is totally making me hurl, and I thought maybe you'd also find it nauseatingly amusing", I waded into the article with my Phenergan close at hand, to see what I could see.

I found these two lines particularly puke-worthy (emphasis mine):

"One parishioner, Rob Hulsey, 25, said his Baptist relatives raised their eyebrows about it, but he summed up the reaction of many husbands at Fellowship Church when he first heard about the sex challenge — “Yay!”"

"Others found that, like smiling when you are not particularly happy, having sex when they did not feel like it improved their mood. Just eight months into their marriage, Amy and Cody Waddell had not been very amorous since Cody admitted he had had an affair."

Gee. I wonder who those "others" could be?

Since it's usually pretty anatomically difficult for a man to "have sex when they do not feel like it" (at least the kind of church-sanctified penis-in-vagina sex that I'm pretty sure Pastor Young is advising, rather than the pervy none-PIV sex that is the scourge of Christendom), then I'm imagining that the only "others" who could have sex when they "didn't feel like it" would be . . . . . that's right . . . . . women.

And given the "Yay!" reaction from the male members of the congregation, I'm guessing that Pastor Young's "Sex Challenge" actually boils down to this:

Wives! Service Your Husbands!

Which is not a new message in the church.

When my fundamentalist nephew was married, I was very worried about attending in the service in his Baptist congregation. It was the late 80s, and anti-gay fervor on the Right had been recently re-energized by ballot-measures and intiatives in several states, so I steeled myself for a possible barrage of queer-bashing from the pulpit.

Imagine my surprise when no mention of teh evil gay was made, but the pastor whipped out good old Ephesians 5:22: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord". That was just the opening sentence -- I will leave the rest to your feminist imaginations.

I was sitting between my two straight sister-in-laws, and they each, unbeknownst to the other, dug their fingers into one of my thighs as the homily commenced -- apparently in an effort to quell their desire to jump up and burn their bras over the altar candles.

If I were a pastor (oh wait, I am!), and had deep concerns about the state of the marital intimacy amongst my parishioners, I guess I'd start with a sermon like . . . . I don't know . . . . maybe something about not cheating on your wife at all, much less in the first eight months of your marriage? That's just me, of course. I'm funny that way.

However, Pastor Young says that "The real “f word” in the marital boudoir, he says, is “forgiveness.”" In other words, it's not that important if your husband has an affair -- what's important is that you forgive him.

Because what would Jesus do?

And have sex with him anyway, even when you don't feel like it.

Because what would Jesus do?

(Oh wait -- strike that last bit.)

/end serious analytical portion of post -- which was a complete failure anyway, as I cannot seem to restrain my Bitter Angels in the face of a pastor who wants to wrap the tired old Christianist package of manipulation and control of women in a trendy new wrapper of god-proximity and loving-legacies-for-our-children.

Well -- gotta go now -- Beloved and I both have the day off.*Wanders away humming "Nearer My God To Thee"*

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"Mwah-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha" Said the Gaylords

The Gaypocalypse is moving more swiftly than originally anticipated, as the erosive influence of the radical homosexual agenda seeps into one of the innermost bastions of sanctimonious Straightville -- an evangelical church where parishioners are being encouraged to do something once considered the exclusive province of sex-crazed queers -- make lots and lots of whoopie.

"Mr. Young, an author, a television host and the pastor of the evangelical Fellowship Church, issued his call for a week of “congregational copulation” among married couples on Nov. 16, while pacing in front of a large bed. Sometimes he reclined on the paisley coverlet while flipping through a Bible, emphasizing his point that it is time for the church to put God back in the bed."

Oh, sure -- it may look innocent at first glance -- but let's take a good hard look here: The pastor "reclined on the paisley coverlet while flipping through a Bible". If that's not a scene out of an actual gay porn flick, I'll eat my hat.

And surely this phrase alone -- "Congregational Copulation" -- is enough to send up rainbow warning flags, don't you agree?

As everyone knows, we queers are always having lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of wild gay sex (apparently, even lesbians have gay sex -- who knew?) -- and no, I don't need to cite any of the hundreds of articles and blog-posts that claim this, because, as I said, everyone already knows it.

That's why we must never, ever, ever be allowed to get married -- because our steamy, saucy, sex-rompy marriages would make straight marriage look so pallid and undesirable by comparison, and as Pastor Young says: "if you make the time to have sex, it will bring you closer to your spouse and to God" -- so everyone would want to be gay-married.

Because if the good pastor is right, and the rumors about our sex-lives are true, then we queers must be very, very, very close to God.

(Serious true story: When my fundie brother-in-law used to insist that AIDS was God's curse on gays, I would simply reply: "Hmmm. Then, since lesbians have the lowest risk-rate for HIV infection, we must be God's Chosen People! Yippee!" This has been another Portly lesson in how to turn twisted Christianist logic to your own advantage.)

End snarky, sarcastic portion of post

Begin serious, analytical portion of post.

When 'Liss emailed me the link with this comment: "Something about this (no, everything about this!) is totally making me hurl, and I thought maybe you'd also find it nauseatingly amusing", I waded into the article with my Phenergan close at hand, to see what I could see.

I found these two lines particularly puke-worthy (emphasis mine):

"One parishioner, Rob Hulsey, 25, said his Baptist relatives raised their eyebrows about it, but he summed up the reaction of many husbands at Fellowship Church when he first heard about the sex challenge — “Yay!”"

"Others found that, like smiling when you are not particularly happy, having sex when they did not feel like it improved their mood. Just eight months into their marriage, Amy and Cody Waddell had not been very amorous since Cody admitted he had had an affair."

Gee. I wonder who those "others" could be?

Since it's usually pretty anatomically difficult for a man to "have sex when they do not feel like it" (at least the kind of church-sanctified penis-in-vagina sex that I'm pretty sure Pastor Young is advising, rather than the pervy none-PIV sex that is the scourge of Christendom), then I'm imagining that the only "others" who could have sex when they "didn't feel like it" would be . . . . . that's right . . . . . women.

And given the "Yay!" reaction from the male members of the congregation, I'm guessing that Pastor Young's "Sex Challenge" actually boils down to this:

Wives! Service Your Husbands!

Which is not a new message in the church.

When my fundamentalist nephew was married, I was very worried about attending in the service in his Baptist congregation. It was the late 80s, and anti-gay fervor on the Right had been recently re-energized by ballot-measures and intiatives in several states, so I steeled myself for a possible barrage of queer-bashing from the pulpit.

Imagine my surprise when no mention of teh evil gay was made, but the pastor whipped out good old Ephesians 5:22: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord". That was just the opening sentence -- I will leave the rest to your feminist imaginations.

I was sitting between my two straight sister-in-laws, and they each, unbeknownst to the other, dug their fingers into one of my thighs as the homily commenced -- apparently in an effort to quell their desire to jump up and burn their bras over the altar candles.

If I were a pastor (oh wait, I am!), and had deep concerns about the state of the marital intimacy amongst my parishioners, I guess I'd start with a sermon like . . . . I don't know . . . . maybe something about not cheating on your wife at all, much less in the first eight months of your marriage? That's just me, of course. I'm funny that way.

However, Pastor Young says that "The real “f word” in the marital boudoir, he says, is “forgiveness.”" In other words, it's not that important if your husband has an affair -- what's important is that you forgive him.

Because what would Jesus do?

And have sex with him anyway, even when you don't feel like it.

Because what would Jesus do?

(Oh wait -- strike that last bit.)

/end serious analytical portion of post -- which was a complete failure anyway, as I cannot seem to restrain my Bitter Angels in the face of a pastor who wants to wrap the tired old Christianist package of manipulation and control of women in a trendy new wrapper of god-proximity and loving-legacies-for-our-children.

Well -- gotta go now -- Beloved and I both have the day off.*Wanders away humming "Nearer My God To Thee"*

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