Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Into the Wednesday Vortex.

Uh, I know this is supposed to make us feel bad, but here in Canada's soft underbelly we prefer to interpret that data a little differently:

I mean, come on. Riding a bike to school, really? Everybody knows that all the cool kids show up to school in plastic cars:

("Should I stop for that kid on the bike I just clipped? Nah, fuck it.")

By the way, like most smug cyclists, I base all my opinions on easily-digestible infographics like this one, and I never question where the data comes from, nor do I wonder if any of those non-cycling kids are getting to school any other healthy way, like walking.

Just kidding. 99% of American children are too fat to walk, as you can see from this infographic:

Ms Crowe said she had got off her bike and was attempting to manoeuvre around pedestrians on the narrow footpath when she lost her footing. She had dismounted as part of a continuing protest against the cycleways along Rocks Rd, which she considers unsafe.

Fortunately though, she was wearing her helment--and her wetsuit:

It would have been much worse if she had not been wearing her wetsuit or helmet, said Ms Crowe, a Nelson Marlborough District Health Board member. She said she would not have fallen had the pathway been wider and the chained barriers higher.

So the path is narrower than the typical road bike "Q factor" and the chain is lower than the rim profile of a crabon wheelset, yet apparently that's fine as long as you're wearing a wetsuit?

Sounds about right.

Even so, I'm sure that if she had drowned, even while wearing a wetsuit, the article would have gone out of its way to point out that "the victim was not riding a scuba bike."

When will these ridiculous displays of male camel toe end? Everybody knows that, when wearing clothing like this, you should never be more than a foot away from a bicycle at any time. Not only is it vital to give passers-by some context for your stupid attire, but you also need the bicycle to obscure your genital region. Even if you're just running into the store for a minute you should place your helment over your groin, or at the very least carry your front wheel with you. So why can't they just put the riders in regular clothes during these things and then show the press pictures of everybody wearing the kits and riding their bikes during the launch? Otherwise, just whip 'em out already and get it over with, since that's the effect they seem to be going for anyway:

(Cannondale appears to have built an entire team around Peter Sagan's penis for the upcoming season.)

So yeah, it's my "reasoned decision" that these guys should put on some freaking pants when they're not actually riding.

Using the pseudonym "Sir Cockhardt", the employee of Lincoln County Hospital posted: "I was going to save the pubes from the first patient I shaved today and stick them on Wiggins-style", a disciplinary hearing of the Health and Care Professions Council (HCPC) was told.

"Sir Cockhardt?" For shame! I'd expect more decorum from someone who's earned an honorific title. Anyway, this is what happens when you have a publicly-funded healthcare system, and the specter of hospital employees shaving your pubes and gluing them onto their faces should be all the political ammunition this country needs to make sure we never, ever see any kind of healthcare reform ever again.

(Under Obamacare, hospitals will shave your pubes and sell them to novelty facial hair companies in order to fund his liberal agenda.)

too cold to ride still here in NYC. I'm thinking of taking a sickie tomorrow so I can enjoy a long ride in the balmy 30+ degree weather. I'm surprised that many Chinese kids ride their bikes to school each day, I thought most would be riding to IPhone Factories for their daily 18 hour shift.

If they are going to make bike lights that display text, can I get one for street riding that says "I suck and I'm slow, please don't run me over."

And Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne, thanks a lot for posting that that link without a warning. I am going to have to go wash my eyeballs now. However, it is unfortunate but true that what is seen can never be unseen.

Judy Crowe, image and style consultant in New Zealand. Now you know. At least she has a bike lane and footpath to fall from. Ride you some Alabama dead possum carcass coated road scranus and get back to me.

What she neglected to admit was she was wearing the wetsuit to sweat off a few pounds for her New Year's resolution, had to dismount and walk her bike due to heat exhaustion and dehydration, but passed out and fell into the ocean anyway. True story.

Babs - her stylish website needs to show before pics - not sure how bad those subjects were before she got done with them but they are a sad looking lot after she worked her magic - but then again, New Zealand

is it giving her too much benefit of the doubt, to suppose she was riding in a trisuit, but the reporter called it a wetsuit so readers would under stand? Even Lloyd Bridges didn't bicycle in a wetsuit.

I actually HAVE seen someone ride in a wetsuit. It was 40° merikan and raining so i guess dude was trying to stay warm. Then again, that guy always looks like a dui rider* so who knows...

*P.O.S. Huffy mtb, moving at 3mph, with a 24 pack balanced on the top tube. You know the type... he plastic bagged the beer that day and i thanked him for helping to portray bicylingcyclingcyclists in a positive light.

The scary thing about that first graphic is that supposedly the Chinese have the worst vehicular drivers in the world. 60% of like a Billion children = a shitload. Where is the slaughter and death graphic for cycling deaths in China?

Yeah I'm thinking that rather than the rear-facing speed display, I like a more direct message, like "please don't kill me" and so forth. But see, then you're offending people who already weren't going to kill you. Like I would totally kill a dude for that. So I guess we're left with just shutting the fuck up.

JB are you sure you're not a robot? Or maybe a Nigerian spammer? Cuz that is the best sentence ever.

Roille, it is the best sentence e-Var, but I can't take credit. I took it from a spam comment a few above mine, since it deserved repeating. Apparently the original has been deleted. I'm glad I've stored it for posterity.

Actually, the makers of that light make a good point in their description of the product. If you can get an enraged, too-emotional driver to think a bit about the information being displayed on the light it will tug them back to a more rational mind state, if only briefly. Of course, their less-emotional-more-rational mind will just think, "Effin dork" and run you over anyway, but at least you will not be the victim of blind rage.

I've always known I'm an Inconsistent Edociest, but does a robot have to remind me?

There actually was a brake light for automotive devices (my other bike) that flashed according to your rate of deceleration. If braking gently for an expected stop or turn, it flashed slowly. If standing on the binders trying to avoid calamity, it flashed rapidly. And all points in-between. But that was back before airbags poked your eyes out if you bumped a curb. The good ol' hey what was i talking about? Wednesday huh?

There is no fucking way 2% of kids ride bicycles to school in Australia. Maybe a few years back, but all the SUV mums have killed any foolhardy enough to try to ride a bike near a school - with the obligatory "no criminality suspected". Cakes and lattes wait for no mum - must rush to stuff their faces and keep the obesity rate in world champion territory.

Hmm, mystery solved. Judy Crowe was ride-testing the Bluetooth Panty Vibrator and someone butt-dialed her clitoraceaous regions, and she fell over. Being embarrassed, she made up a cock-and-bull story about the perfectly adequate bike path and the weird narrow walking trail, etc. The wet suit is just a red herring.

McFly: You're welcome, always glad to help! I'd definitely go with the 5th over the RS. Progressive is still building suspension components, though not for bicycles, and might be the best option for a rebuild. That Uzzi of yours is a nice ride. I used to lust over that bike and all things Intense.

Yeah its a fine frame. From what I understand they are kind of like the Harley of MTB.1) Made in the USA

2) A lil heavy

3) Bullet-proof

Found a guy that does them for $90. Its made by Progressive Suspension. They are primarily the premier MX suspenion guys. Roy Turner, who was the team manager of Kawasaki Racing at the time, started the bike line.

I just made me an alum hard tail insert this morning so I am not MTB-less while Cananadia fixes the 5th.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!