ILs staying at house while we're not there-UD p 4, 5, FM UP 8

BG: my ILs are mildly boundary stomping and insensitive to the realities of having a two-working parent household. They live three hours from us. We live in the same town as BIL, SIL, and their two girls (DH's brother and his family). We moved here six years ago after getting married.

During the first year we were here, SIL was due with DN the Monday of Thanksgiving week. She was hosting the holiday and, as usual, had invited several members of her family and my DH's family. DH and I planned to do Thanksgiving in our hometown with my parents SIL emailed me and said she was going to "shift" some people over to our house over the holiday. I told her we wouldn't be home, and she responded that she knew that but planned to have PILs sleep at our place because she didn't have enough room. I politely said I'm not comfortable with people staying at my house while I'm not home, so we will not be allowing that.

Within 20 min, DH gets a call from BIL , who expresses his shock that we're not willing to help them out, especially with the baby due. DH knew I was declining the request but didn't know details. Eventually SIL and I end up on the phone, and she's complaining that we won't allow this because she " was raised that you do anything for family." I finally cave and say that because she is being induced the Tuesday of Thanksgiing week, I'll allow it this one time. I made clear to her and ILs that this would never happen again, which it hasn't.

FF to this year. For the last five years, Thanksgivjng has been in our hometown where my family, PILs, and and SIL's family live. It's perfect because we can do dinner with both families. Well, SIL and her family decide, without consulting anyone, that they are hosting Thanksgiving this year. Fine-we're still going to hometown because we'd already committed to going. We told everyone that we'd be in hometown Wed night through Fri night and that we would then spend Saturday with the ILs. Sunday would be to ourselves.

I get this email from FIL last night, addressed to DH and me:

Hi,

Trust you are all well and that LO has settled into his new daycare.

A favor to ask of you: BIL and SIL are going to have a house full of visitors for Thanksgiving so mum and I were wondering if we could stay in your spare bedroom while we are down there? We would come in on Wednesday, and leave on Sunday afternoon as normal. We are planning to spend time with BIL and the gang on Thursday and Friday, and with you guys on Saturday and Sunday if that still works out for you.

Thanks and all our love,

Dad

DH and I had discussed the possibility of this request, and he knows that I'm not comfortable with it. Thanks to this board, he knows the "two yes, one no" rule. But he's very nonconfrontational.

Am I being unreasonable in refusing to let PILs not use my house as a hotel while we're not home? And suggestions as to how DH should respond when saying no? TIA.

I know this board is used to people breaking and entering but they could just be normal people who accept "no" as an answer. They are probably pissed and think you are super rude though but hopefully they keep that too themselves. I don't think you are rude and would have responded to them in the same way.

I agree that FIL's response was a little short. They are the leaders of the sweep-it-under-the-rug world, so that may be what is going on.

And yes, PILs and BIL/SIL have a key to our house. I fully plan to booby-trap the house, e.g. putting a piece of paper in the door that will fall if someone comes in, to make sure they don't help themselves. Neither DH nor I think they would actually come over to our house after we have said no, but I know DH will lose it if they do.

Omg, the paper in the doorway trick DOES NOT WORK. I had 5 brothers and sisters that liked to get into my stuff all the time, and whenever I tried that, they'd SEE the paper and just replace it when they left. You'd have better luck putting a can of paint over the door. I caught them with a motion-detecting webcam, which isn't hard to set up at all either- it's a simple program you can download for free on the Internet, and you can get a cheap webcam for $10 or less.

OR, just replace the locks already. It's not that expensive, assuming you have two doors- the front and back. It cost us $12 for one door, and it's two separate locks. Nobody should have the keys to your house, especially your IL's. I bet they won't sleep there, but they'll gladly use your shower or cook there and then play dumb when you get pissed. "Oh, I thought you just didn't want us to spend the night there!"

Oh, and I hope they aren't thinking of spending the night on Saturday.

Just put a big f-ing sign right inside your front door that is as rude as you can make it "I SAID NO YOU FUCKING MORON-GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DAMN HOUSE BEFORE I CASTRATE YOU WITH A SPOON!" That, and hide all toilet paper.

If they don't come in uninvited, they will never see it and won't be offended. So your DH can't be against you doing it. They'll only see it if they don't take the no.

We have a push button key safe that we keep spare keys in hidden on the property. The spare keys are all stamped do not duplicate. If we give keys to someone (like the pet sitter) and she locks herself out, or we need someone to get in the house for something we can give them the combo, but then we change it when we get home. House is secure but can be accessed, just not whenever by everyone.