I came out from love to love! Love limitless, allowing, love of endless promises and the ability to achieve everything and do anything. I am spirit, always have been spirit, will always be spirit. I am all that is good, possible and inspiring. I know everything, everyone, all is right. I believe I can have all. I am apart of all and I am whole, complete and know all is beautiful, wonderful and perfect.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I keep wanting to remind myself that my husband is the best mirror I have. For too long to say Blake and I have been at odds with the whole unschooling/life learning issue and this has caused us both a lot of avoidable pain. Last night (very late) Blake and I worked ourselves into another argument of blame and why's. I want XYZ kind of life and he thinks what we had was fine with ABC and so it goes on. This morning when I awoke I felt so sad and I was thinking that what he says hurts me so that I just want out of this marriage (in 13 years) and that I am the victim here.

So I called my soul mother (friend) Dixie and hoped that she would help me see what I could not. The woman is a miracle in my life. She did exactly what I needed and wanted, she put it back on ME. Yes that is right she said "Are you giving what your asking for?" In other words I want trust from Blake to know that I know what works with the kids and I but I know I am not trusting him to find his thoughts and path, to discover what works and does not work when it comes to the kids. WOW a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

Another thing she pointed out (isn't she sooo helpful) was that when I am strong enough in my choices and the belief and love in myself that no longer will Blake need to show me things I am not comfortable with or hurt by. That no matter what another person says to you, you can choose to take it to heart or just see the true pain the person is in and that causes them to be defensive. Blame feels better than powerlessness or argue. Seeing that little child within all of us and not take hurtful words to heart and just forgive is important to help us grow as a beings.

I realize that I build up huge walls of protection from others and this is rowing upstream against the current and does not feel good to me or the person (especially Blake)I am pushing away. I want to manifest good feelings and love unconditionally. I want to grow forwards into a border expanded being and show up for others and give even when pain is involved.

I know I am a giving being and from now on I choose to give all the time especially when the picture seems a bit ugly. I choose share my life Blake and to allow our friendship to happen again. We choose to give 2 children a chance to be apart of us and our experiences. We all deserve to feel understood and loved especially when pain is in the way.

I feel so satisfied and full filled knowing that I get to consciously choose the way my life becomes by my thoughts and feelings. Dixie could have given Blake all the power by allowing me to stay a victim and lead the conversation through my pain. Instead we all win because she made clear suggestions and led the conversation towards allowing me to empower myself. I get to take responsibility of my perception and allow the well being to flow with my part in my relationship with Blake. I so inspire anyone who really wants to help a friend or self to keep the focus on loving our self, giving love and allow others to be what they choose.

We all do things we are not always proud of and so do others, "forgiveness is meaning to never have to say "I'm Sorry"."

I called Blake and thanked him for showing me a part of myself I could not see without him. I grew a little spiritually (consciously) more today and gained more of an understanding of allowing. Everyday I feel that I am letting go more and more of the oars and allowing the flow of love to push my boat down stream while I go forward and the current slowing breaks my walls down.