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Take me to my television!

As autumn sets in, bring with it that magical sense of apathy and increased body fat, The Poke presents our pick of the weekend’s TV for you to cuddle up in front of.

Saturday Kitchen: Extreme (BBC1, Friday, 8.30 pm)

Deep behind enemy lines, as the Taliban militia close in on their location armed with grenades and machetes, James Martin and guest chef Ken Hom cook a salmon roulade with new potatoes in a parsley and butter sauce.

Wok Went Wong? (ITV8, Friday, 7.00 pm)

Harry Hill presents more amusing footage of lethal pan-fires in the kitchens of oriental restaurants.

Bear Grylls – Urban Jungle (ITV1, Friday, 9.30 pm)

Survival expert Grylls survives a night in a car-park in Cheltenham city centre. He burns a tramp for warmth then eats a dead cat and his own shit.

Film: Here Comes That Girl Again (BBC1, Sat, 8.00 pm)

A visibly-depressed Jennifer Aniston gurns her way through this devastatingly banal 90 minutes of anodyne cultural sewage.

Britain’s Next Top Ninja (ITV2, Saturday, 8.30 pm)

In the final challenge of the series the surviving contestants must hide undiscovered for twenty-four hours in a small, empty, windowless room with no furniture which is filled with trained attack-dogs. The lucky winner will get the chance to assassinate a corrupt warlord in a gruelling and anonymous suicide mission.

CSI: Hackney (Five, Saturday, 10pm)

Glamorous fluid-spatter specialist Agent Wilcox is called in to help the team investigate who wanked in the bogs at KFC.

Arson Welles: Citizen Kaned (BBC4, Saturday, 2.30 am)

Fly-on-the-wall doc following UK Grime star Arson Welles flexing up in a butcher’s shop and consequently rinsing some bare ting.

Ging-Gang-Goolies (BBC4, Sunday, 9.00 pm)

Just what is it with the boy scouts and testicles? Christine Bleakley aims to find out – with only a pair of oven gloves and that portable decompression chamber.

The Further Adventures of Arnold Peasbottom (C4, Sunday, 10.30 pm)

Mr. Arnold Peasbottom visits the home of his friend Margaret and puts peas up his bottom. Again.