Dr. Scott: Mom wary of sending kids out of state to grandma's for a week

Question: Dear Dr. Scott, my mother wants us to let the kids stay with her in New Mexico for a week this summer, but I’m nervous about it because she doesn’t supervise them the way I would like her too. I love my mother with all my heart. She was an amazing mother to me, but she just isn’t careful enough. It’s really a miracle that I survived my childhood with all my fingers, limbs, and both eyes intact. My parents got my brother his first motorcycle when he was 8 years old and they let us ride it in the woods by ourselves. They got me a shotgun when I was 13 years old and I used to shoot it at cans outside my house. It sure was fun, but looking back, that’s crazy! During visits at my parents' place in the past, I’ve been nervous because my mother lets my kids do things that I’m not comfortable with (e.g. climbing really tall trees, steering the car, etc…). When I voice my objections, my mother is just like, “I raised you didn’t I?” and “you’re such a worrywart; let your kids live a little.” I really appreciate her love for the kids and the great fun they have with her, but I would really not want her in charge of them without me around. I know that saying that to her will hurt her feelings. But I can’t let them go, can I? My husband isn’t comfortable with it either. What would you do? How can I explain this without hurting her feelings?

Answer: Well, I don’t think I would let them go either. I do understand your apprehension about telling your mother “no,” but I don’t see that you really have a choice under the circumstances. Keeping it simple is the most honest and effective thing you can do.

You lived; sure, but maybe only by divine intervention – maybe that’s true for all of us come to think of it, but I don’t know if you want to tempt fate. If your mother doesn’t watch the kids the way you want her to, then you have to think of their well-being first. Can you imagine the regret you’d feel if you let them go and something did happen?

I guess it might hurt mom’s feelings, but that’s the consequence of not listening to you. These are your children and your mother should respect your parenting style. Mothers often do know best, but maybe not always. If she wants to spend some time with the children, then she should defer to your wishes regardless of her opinion on the matter. You are their mom. You are the boss.

As for an explanation: keep it very short and simple. Don’t over-explain in some attempt to spare her feelings. You’ll only muddy up the issue and fail to establish a clear boundary. “Mom, I’d love to come stay with you and have the kids get some grandma time, but I’m not comfortable letting them come without me because you don’t respect my rules with them. I’m afraid of them getting hurt. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but not as sorry as we’d all be if something bad happened to them.” That’s about it.