Saturday, September 29, 2007

Inexperienced Writer Makes Rookie Mistakes

Dave Krieger of the Rocky Mountain News just wrote an article riddled with ludicrous assumptions and just plain shoddy research. It's called:

Inexperience has its cost for Rockies

I forgive Dave, though, because without doing any fact-checking or investigative action I'm going to assume he's a rookie writer fresh off the turnip truck from journalism school. I will also willfully ignore his headshot.

The kid Rocks that stayed for the postmortem insisted it didn't affect them. The packed house, the playoff atmosphere, the biggest game any of them had played in a Colorado uniform.

The Rockies just got beaten by likely Cy Young runner-up Brandon Webb, 4-2. After winning 11 straight. Those choking kids!

It's possible, I guess. Psychoanalysis from the press box is worth less than it costs, which in this case is 75 cents.

At least Krieger, who is 11 years old, admits this much. This article was originally submitted to the Victoria Elementary Wildcat News. (These are guesses based on the text.)Still, there were Rocks at-bats Friday night that did not resemble the confident plate appearances of their magic September carpet ride:

• Troy Tulowitzki striking out on a pitch in his eyes, looking for all the world like he was trying to hit the ball to Montana.

"Chased a pitch I probably shouldn't have swung at, but he was tough," Tulowitzki said of Diamondbacks ace Brandon Webb.

Webb has never struck out anyone with big-game experience. It's a tragic flaw in his game.

• Todd Helton coming up with Matt Holliday in scoring position in the eighth, one out, and rolling the ball to the pitcher on a first-pitch check swing.

Todd Helton! What a naif! This diaper dandy just learned to put on his own baseball pants! Inexperience has its cost, Helton. Wait a decade or two -- your time will come, kid.

• Yorvit Torrealba sacrificing a runner to third with one out in the seventh, down two runs, and Cory Sullivan striking out when all he needed to do was put the ball in play.

I mean, these guys are just bad. Okay, Cory Sullivan isn't terrible, I guess. Mediocre.

The fact is the Rocks have not been here before and experience matters in baseball's big games. As an organization, the Diamondbacks have played many more big games than the Rocks.

Yes, these D-backs sure are experienced. What with dueling aces Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson leading them to the promised land, Luis Gonzalez galvanizing the clubhouse, manager Bob Brenly at the helm, to say nothing of grizzled vets Mark Grace, Matt Williams, Steve Finley and Jay Bell grounding the team with years of wisdom ...

Wait. Oh, shit. Wait. I'm looking at the box score from last night. It's 2007. Fuck. Oh my god. These guys are like babies. They're like zygotes and shit.

The 2007 Diamondbacks are notorious for how young and inexperienced they are. Chris Young, Stephen Drew, Mark Reynolds, Conor Jackson ... these guys are rookies or damn near it. Justin Upton is 20 years old -- he couldn't drink the champagne at the division-clinching celebration!

This is the best part. Hey Dave Krieger, Mr. "As an organization, the Diamondbacks have played many more big games than the Rockies," you know how many postseason games the individual Diamondbacks who played Friday night have experienced?

Six. They were played by Tony Clark, who had one pinch hit at bat last night. He made an out despite his big game experience.

** EDIT **Nope. The answer is 15. Six by Tony Clark, nine, in fact, by Eric Byrnes. Fire me!** END EDIT **

Exactly zero of the other players besides Clark and Byrnes -- Webby, Jeff Cirillo, Augie Ojeda, crazy Jose Valverde -- have played in the playoffs.

But "as an organization" -- shut up! You think putting on the magical snake uniform (which is different from the ones in 2001, by the way) transfers big game experience through your skin by osmosis or something?

Justin Upton was born in 1987!!!

Meanwhile, Todd Helton has played in 1575 games. 5653 major league at bats. This guy knows how to fucking play baseball, no matter what the situation. He's amazing. Even though he's lost a lot of power, he OBPed .431 this year. You're saying because he hasn't been swept in a divisional series before he suddenly forgets know how to hit the baseball on September 28th?

Well, chalk it up to a green writer writing his first article about anything, ever. Give Krieger a few more years. He's only five years old. He just learned what letters are. Frankly, it's astounding that he put together this little piece full of ridiculous speculation. I look forward to your future output, little Davey. Maybe by 2029, you'll be able to generate a coherent sports column.