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***** View post on imgur.com My friends, I come not to attack or defend John Piper; I come only to celebrate his weird tweets. After his latest tweet about sexy stones (we’ll get there, oh yes) started riling up the Christian blogosphere, I looked around to see if anyone had put all his strangest tweets

***** Probably the biggest crisis in Christianity right now is that no one has put all the pictures of Adam & Eve together and ranked them according to how hot they are. But wait, some will say. Shouldn’t Christians resist judging people based on their physical appearance? Yes, of course, if you think you might

***** WASHINGTON, DC THE WHITE HOUSE President Trump has called an emergency meeting of Christian figures to help him deal with a pressing issue… [door swings open] JOEL OSTEEN: Blessings! PRESIDENT TRUMP: One question: are Presbyterians Christians? JOEL OSTEEN: sometimes the internet people send me money PRESIDENT TRUMP: I don’t care. Are Presbyterians Christians? JOEL

***** Probably the best part about being an adult is having the dead weight of the universe slowly grind the idealism out of your soul with each passing day. Also you get to have sex and drink beer, but only under certain conditions, and if you’re Baptist you can’t do both things, at least not at

***** There comes a time in every Christian’s life when you must prayerfully consider which CCM artists you could defeat in a street fight. This will be sort of like the post about fighting theologians, only with less Trevin Wax. Also, this list will be only dudes. Because call me old fashioned, but I refuse to fight

***** Probably the biggest issue facing Christianity is who Jesus would vote for. I guess this is because His vote counts extra, like a super vote, and is probably worth like 7 or 8 votes from sinners. So it makes sense that everyone would want Him to be on their team. When I was a

***** One thing Christians like to know is who is in charge of something, because that way we can know who to complain about. Like all those homeschool association meetings in 1993 where our parents complained about Clinton because they thought he was coming to take homeschool kids away and put us in public schools so we could

Probably the most important issue facing the Church today is masturbation. I was homeschooled for 39 years, so I have no idea what masturbation actually is, but I asked my youth pastor and he said it is something that public school kids do, so I guess it’s like homework, which is another thing I have no

Probably the one thing people don’t realize about me is that I was a baseball star. ***** When I was 17, right in the middle of the events of Homeschool Sex Machine, I left the homeschool world and enrolled at a private school with a funny name: Christian High School, which had apparently been named during

***** Probably the hardest part of marriage is when you get old or something, I actually have no idea, my marriage has been pretty perfect so far. I don’t, like, believe in struggling and stuff–that’s not my spiritual gift or whatever. But some Christians have bad marriages. And because this is a think piece, I’ll