Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I can see a lot of life in you.

I feel very, very ill. My stomach is tied in knots. My hands were shaking this morning but have since subsided. It's a panic attack. I know this feeling all too well. I've cried three times today. Once when Jim and I were talking over email about our experiences this summer. The second time I was sitting in traffic on the phone with my mom telling her about Will Branch and his dedication to this film. How he said it was his Lord of the Rings. And lastly as I was chatting with my coworker about an hour ago. I don't want it to end. I don't want to stop seeing all of my new found friends every day. I had this feeling when my boyfriend of eight years broke up with me three summers ago. Nothing brought me comfort. So I'll savor every second of these last four days. I was telling Stacy I'll have to start running like mad again to confuse my depression. I'll meet with Nevie every Monday to go over the cut of the film and watch my actors. At least I'll have that.

We're applying to a program in New York and put together several scenes to drop in the mail tomorrow. Nevie cut together Bryan and Michael at the end of the film in a scene of complete emotional collapse. It reaffirmed everything for me. Watching the two of them work off each other flawlessly in a scene of utter poignancy.

We're waiting for some money to come in so we can get our footage from Alpha Cine. Film jail, as I like to call it. We have to pay a lot of people for many different things. We knew that this point would come and we're doing everything in our power to work through it. I laugh to myself when I think about that Statesman article and our fictitious budget. If only. I must say though, I'm thankful for the struggle. It's making it that much sweeter. I'm glad that people had doubt in us. I'm glad that people laughed and shook their heads. I'm glad that certain people didn't have faith. It made me want to to prove them wrong. It made me want to say at the end of the day, "Fuck you for not believing in us. We did it anyway. Take that".

2 comments:

Spite may not necessarily be a "good" force, but a certain amount of it has been absolutely essential in getting me through every single project I've done. There comes a time where you just have to say "Fuck the world! I'm doing this."

I love that we're doing it anyway. I just love it. It's so Texan of us (in a good way). By supporting each other we're putting walking our talk, and I agree it's sweeter cause it's harder. It's the most fun I've had juggling money in ages!