Beware the Killer Plants

Kev is on a mission!

The area where I live has had an increasing problem with our mail not being delivered properly. This ranges from letters and parcels being lost, to mail being returned to sender without the recipient being notified that a delivery had been attempted, and failed delivery notes pushed through the letterbox when the people are in and waiting – obviously there was no knock at the door.

These have all happened to me recently and I played hell with the customer service centre and have threatened to involve the police as their actions are illegal. I am still waiting for resolution.

My son has had the same problems but he has decided to give Royal Mail a headache as large as a continent instead of tearing them a new one, as I did. By writing a series of emails, and arguing the finer points of absolutely everything, all of which they have to answer, he will drive them to distraction. He did this with the local bus company, when their buses were constantly late – they offered him a free year’s travel if he stopped complaining to them. His employers were so impressed that they dropped the threat of a disciplinary for being late three times in one year.

My complaint has been escalated to area level because I have threatened legal action and the police. My son’s complaint has also gone to that level because he has accused the local manager in a rather amusing letter. This letter is so funny that I asked him if I could post it on my blog and he agreed. (You know, the slash writing blog, the existence of which he denies.)

This is the first letter in a series that my son intends sending:

From: k**** s***** <*****@yahoo.com>

> Subject: RM0419-****

> To: customerresolution@royalmail.com

> Date: Wednesday, 27 July, 2011, 16:17

> Hi,

>

> Thank you for your generic apology email. I am aware that

> you are very very sorry about the service I have received.

> It’s taken you 13 days to get back to me, so you must have had

> plenty of time to ponder on the issue. I am also waiting on

> a reply to another complaint (reference 1-187977****) but it

> seems you are all still pondering on that one too.

>

> This will be the 3rd complaint I have had to put in, so far,

> as nothing ever seems to be done about the problems I am

> having.

>

> The first complaint I put in was because I did not receive

> any mail for 2 weeks. I received a nice apology email but it

> didn't explain where 2 weeks worth of mail had gone.

> Apparently, I just hadn't been sent any letters for 2 weeks.

> The 3 items I purchased off the internet at the time, that

> all went missing, were apparently some sort of dream that I

> must have been having because, according to Royal Mail, I

> never even ordered them. Silly me, eh.

>

> The second complaint I put in was regarding an attempted

> delivery that I was never even informed about, which you

> have addressed in your lovely apology email. However, I am

> still a bit confused by it all. Now unless I have been

> receiving invisible 'sorry you were out' cards through my

> door, my mailman has not even attempted a delivery; he has

> just made it all up because he can’t be arsed to do his job

> properly. If you are going to attempt a delivery then you

> should actually at least make the effort to come to my house

> and let me know you've done it. It’s called 'Royal Mail', not

> 'if my mailman can be arsed...Mail'. Maybe the queen should

> know about the service I am receiving. I’ll send her a

> letter....I hope she gets it; I hear Buckingham palace is

> quite hard to find.

>

> My third complaint was about a delivery that was attempted,

> but the mail man apparently has no arms because he was

> unable to even knock on my door. I was in the house for this

> one too, lucky me. The mailman came to my door, put a 'sorry

> you were out' card through my letter box (with his teeth I

> reckon, these armless mailmen are very resourceful) and then

> ran off. I was lucky enough to hear him doing this and

> opened the door. I shouted to him as he left the flat and he

> completely ignored me. I then opened my window and shouted

> to him again; he completely ignored me a second time, got in

> his van and drove off.

>

> I do not find this service to be acceptable at all. I am, in

> future, going to have to ask the potential person I buy from

> if they can find an alternate way to send me my goods. Maybe

> put it in a bottle, chuck it in the sea and I'll wait by the

> beach for a week. Maybe they can attach it to the back of a

> raccoon and I'll put some tasty raccoon chowder outside my

> door. Maybe they can teleport it to me; I know teleportation

> hasn't been invented yet but, heck, I'll take my chances. Or

> maybe, just maybe, I'll let Royal Mail deliver it; I think

> it has about the same chance of arriving as it would if it

> was sent by the other aforementioned 3 methods.

>

> Now instead of sending me another apology mail, why not go

> and get someone to actually do something about it instead.

> It’s all well and good saying you will pass my comments over

> to my local depot but, let’s be honest here, they don't

> really give a shit do they. The depot manager is probably

> far too busy playing his trumpet and eating ice cream to

> waste time dealing with my problems (I'm speculating of

> course, it could be a trombone).

>

> I await your reply, I suggest you email it, it’s probably

> safer that way.

>

> Regards,

>

> K**** S****

>

Ironically, he received a stack of mail, some of it several weeks old, two days after sending the email and a generic apology letter promising escalation. He says this will not stop him sending more emails to them; the next one will questioning how all his mail arrived at once. I have yet to receive my missing mail but they estimate that I will get it within the next few days and my parcels next Thursday. These are parcels that were sent two weeks ago for my birthday.