on marriage and slippery slopes.

I’m going to be vulnerable today and tell you about a not-so-lovely moment that Craig and I had a few weeks ago in our marriage.

We had a fight. And I honestly don’t even remember what started it, but I do remember how I reacted and how that reaction was a pretty piss poor way to handle things.

Basically it went like this:

Craig did something that pissed me off. I did something that pissed him off too. Then we were both angry and annoyed…voices were raised and feelings were hurt. Then, awhile later, as I was proceeding to avoid him, I had to get something out of our bedroom and realized the door was locked. That made me real mad. I yelled at him to let me in and he yelled back something about why couldn’t I just leave him alone.

And that just made something in me snap.

And then I said something like “Fine! If you want me to leave you alone, I’ll REALLY leave you alone.” After that I packed up some clothes and essentials for Fern and I and got in my car to head the 25 minutes away to my parents house where I fully intended to spend the night. I was livid.

Craig and I have never walked out on each other during a fight. We’ve definitely gone entire days without talking (stupid, but true) and we can bicker with the best of them, but we don’t really have knock-down drag out type fights with yelling and I’ve definitely never packed a bag and left.

I got halfway to my parents house before realizing that this just didn’t feel right.

Walking out on my husband (even if it was only for a night) was not what I had promised when I vowed to honor and love him through better and worse on our wedding day. Even though it might not have seemed like a big deal to a lot of people, the symbolism seemed huge. I felt like I was saying, “I love you except when it gets hard and when that happens, I’m just going to leave.”

I know that realistically it would’ve just been one night away, but the potential for a slippery slope stopped me in my tracks. I never want to get to a place where walking out becomes “easy”. If I left this time, wouldn’t it be that much easier to leave the next time? And then maybe longer the time after that? And then what?

And so I came back.

And I’m not telling you this to pat myself on the back or say “Look at me! My marriage is so great!” But rather, I wanted to let you know that we have our crap too and we aren’t perfect…and marriage isn’t perfect. Marriage is hard effing work and that is the truth. For every photo you see of us smiling at the beach and laughing over ice cream cones, there are a ton of other things that aren’t photo-worthy that you aren’t seeing. And I want people to know that. Don’t feel like your marriage sucks and there is something better out there, because it doesn’t look like what you see in movies or on TV or in you Instagram or Bloglovin’ feed. The reality is that we’re all just figuring it out and we’re all tripping and falling along the way – because we are beautifully broken people.

And you know what? Even though I came back, I still didn’t give in for awhile. I am prideful and I have a hard time admitting my faults. When I walked in our front door though, I told Craig: “I didn’t come back because I’m fine. I’m still super pissed and I don’t want to talk to you. I came back because I wanted to honor my marriage vows.”

Later we talked about it and worked it out obviously, but it took time…because marriage takes time. Lucky for us, we plan on having a lot more time together to figure it out…because neither of us are going anywhere…least of all down that slippery slope.

Love and vulnerability,

Lauren

Comments

This is a wonderful post but I’m sure not easy to write. Thank you for being real to us and sharing your heart! I have only threatened to leave during a fight once and I immediately regretted it after I said it. Thank you for this reminder… Marriage can be tough, but it is so worth the hard work!

Great post. One of the biggest things that my husband (who is a pastor) stresses in his pre-marital counseling sessions with couples is to fight fair. None of us are perfect, we all fight (even the pastor and his wife!), but at the end of the day we still have a responsibility to honor our commitment.

I’ve always thought the “little things” were underrated, that nearly all the big bad things in life started as little things that just got ignored and left unattended. We ignore the little things (because after all they are “little”) but they accumulate and turn into big things.

But not only did you take care of the argument (the “little” thing), you had a commitment to a larger thing (your marriage) that gave you motivation. I think sometimes people do not place a high enough value on their marriage. Through your “slippery slope” they have come to see it, too, as a little thing.

My husband and I fight all the time- silent fight, actually. At the end of our silent time we make up, and I always tell him: I love you, but I don’t like you all the time.I guess we all have those days when we want to grab all our stuff and leave, but it’s the easy way. The hard part of marriage, IMO, is staying. Fighting.Great for you that you left… and midway came back.🙂

Thank you for sharing. I JUST realized about 10 minutes ago that I made a mistake that is inevitably going to make my husband angry and/or annoyed with my irresponsibility, and it may lead to an argument. It’s just nice to know that everyone goes through arguments. No one is perfect.

I really do like hearing stories like this. I’ve left before. But I’m not married, and it was only to get out for a bit. He was awake in bed when I got back, and we worked things out. I hope I always have it in me to come back, and to never leave for longer than to catch my breath.

My ex used to walk out on me all the time. He even once lied to me, said he was going on a work trip, and stayed at someone else’s overnight because he knew I was mad about something and couldn’t be man enough to stay and work it out.

I’ve wanted to do that with Izzy sometimes. I’m prideful and quick to be angry and sometimes I want to do things to hurt his feelings because he hurt mine. But then I think about how much it killed me when Dustin did that. I could never make someone I love feel that way.

I think it’s strong that you went back. It’s not telling Craig he was right or ending the fight, it was just a way to say, “I may not like you very much right now, but I do love you.”

Wow. Wow wow wow. Hubby and I definitely have our rough patches, but we’ve never gotten to the point where we aren’t talking; instead it’s just every word out of our mouths for days is to start a fight. Mentioning your marriage vows despite your pain and pride is really really rad and really honoring to the Lord. Def gonna remember that – even when I’m prideful. Thanks Lauren!

Thank you for sharing this story, Lauren. I’m really glad I read it. I’m going to making my own marriage vows in September, and I get scared of times like these. I’m glad that there are women out there who are holding to what they promised. It gives me courage, too.

I’m so glad that you wrote about this! Marrige is hard work, but it’s worth it. Sometimes one of us leaves just to give the other one some space since our apartment is small, but we’ve never left for the night, and I agree with you, I don’t ever want that to happen.

You could not have hit it more spot on. This was a very honest and real post and I loved it. It actually was pretty perfect timing because my husband and I just went through something similar (and my parents live about 30 min away too) and we exchanged words and they were ugly and I don’t want that for us. We are both stubborn, but that isn’t always a bad thing since we are stubborn to fight for our marriage. So we too are working it out and trying to have more “us” time, which is a big thing in our family … especially with a new little guy. Thank you again. You touched one heart.

Thanks for posting this – marriage is so difficult. It’s easy to look around at other’s marriages and think that ours is the only one that’s hard. But really – we only see the instagram-ed versions. Good for you for going back.

Lauren, I am glad you posted this because in my eyes, you have the perfect life. I can’t ever imagine you and Craig fighting but now…I know that all “perfect” couple have their moments and that marriage is tough for most even though it looks like they lead the “perfect” life.

Thank you for writing and sharing with us a post that may have not been easy to read and admit.

Thank you for keeping it real Lauren. This was probably difficult to share but made such an impact. I love reading blogs and they usually inspire me. But sometimes it’s hard not to compare or feel like your life/house/marriage sucks because it doesnt look as happy, clean, and smiley as everything in blogland. I appreciate your honesty and thank you for sharing some of the real-life moments if your life. I love positive and beautiful posts, but sometimes we need to keep it real. You’ve helped me today – thanks! 🙂