Tuesday, November 2, 2010

So here's the thing. Dating is a selection process which has been around since the dawn of time. Back in the time of the stone age, cave men would spot a woman and then proceed to bang her over the head with a blunt object and drag her back to his hovel. Not much has changed in that regard since then. Men still go after what they want in seemingly strange manners. I often find myself WISHING for a blunt object to knock myself unconscious with rather than endure some of my more disturbing encounters with the male species. The problem is that men are usually clueless when it comes to reading signals...

This picture is a perfect example. Here we have a young couple on what can only be described as the moment right before the cave man bludgeons the unsuspecting female. This boy thinks that his date's is really into him. However, it is quite obvious from the girls "BACK OFF" body language that she would like nothing more than to fling his arm off of her shoulder and flee before he tries to cop a feel.

On one of the more recent dates I have been on, I felt exactly like this poor girl in the photograph. Except that I was wearing better clothes and the date was not at a movie. Towards the middle of the date I wished we had seen a movie that way I wouldn't have to listen to one more second of this guys idle prattle.

You see, it all began when he picked me up from my house and drove me to a restaurant that was literally 3 blocks down. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was simply an environmentalist and was cautious about minimizing his carbon footprint. I later came to realize that I was in fact wrong (this rarely happens) because he had not a clue of where to take me on our date. This is a common problem which turns me off to the point where I literally feel my ovaries shrink.

GUYS, a word of advice if you are planning to take a girl out on a date ....PLAN the date. There is nothing more unattractive than a man without a plan.

Back to the situation at hand. The topics of conversation over dinner consisted of his inability to finish undergrad because he finds no point in learning new things, the "new found" discovery that salt is harmful to your health, and many many stories about his high school days.

At one point in the conversation I noticed a small bug flying near his face (by this time I had already been tuning out most of what he was saying) and found myself more entertained at the notion of wondering if the fly would land on his cheek or not. Sadly, it did not.

The best part of the evening in my opinion was when he turned around to the woman getting up from her table and offered her a cold french fry from our plate. The expression on her face spoke volumes.

Needless to say, this guy thought I was interested but while he was going on about ...(I don't know because I wasn't really listening) I was thinking "this guy is an idiot" and proceeded to fake a stomach ache which thankfully put a swift end to my misery.

Let me preface all my blogs with the following disclaimer: I am NOT a bitter person. Although a bit of a cynic, my mission is to blog about what I do best: Tell stories.

And not just any stories... I present you, fortunate reader, with my very best worst date stories... I hope they serve as an example to all that any bad situation can have a purpose... In my case, it's to entertain.