Condo Dog Owners Can Avoid Getting Hounded

GARY STEIN

The woman in the west Broward condo was very distraught as she was telling me how she was being harassed by neighbors because of her slightly overweight dogs.

``Frankly,`` she said, ``I feel like I`m living in a Gestapo. I`ve seen people get on a condo board, and all of a sudden they have power.

``I want to know why so many people have nothing to do around here but watch me and my dogs.``

Of course, there were lawyers involved. As always.

If you have been reading the papers, you probably think the above scenario is from our most recent condo horror story, involving a family in Lauderdale Lakes whose dog, Jackson, has been threatened with eviction because it exceeds the condo`s 20-pound limit by three pounds.

Actually, the above quotes came from a condo fat-dog case I wrote about eight years ago, involving a family in Plantation.

``Weight is only part of it,`` the condo`s lawyer said in the recent dispute in Lauderdale Lakes.

``The main problem with the dog is it has a nasty temper. It snarls at everyone that passes. ...``

Sounds like some condo residents I`ve known.

Anyway, chubby dogs will undoubtedly cause condo hassles in the year 2000, because condo commandos still will need something to complain about in order to be happy. I don`t know how they always get the dogs on a scale, but that`s another story.

Anyway, I have a solution to the problem. You knew that, didn`t you?

HOW TO SHED THOSE POUNDS

If your pooch is getting love handles, and you want to avoid having the condo gestapo at your door, I propose the following, eight-step, Condo Canine Workout.

It`s not Jane Fonda, but hey, you only paid a quarter for the paper, so don`t complain.

1.) Have the dog vigorously romp in the condo parking lot for 30 minutes each morning, sniffing out cars parked in ``no parking`` spaces. Teach him how to jump up and down and growl incessantly when he finds a violator. This is a good warmup exercise.

2.) Teach the dog how to turn the pages of a telephone book, looking for attorneys. Not only does this burn up calories, it is very good for eye-paw coordination.

3.) Have the dog walk around the condo grounds for another 15 to 30 minutes, at a brisk pace, snooping around for children who aren`t allowed. Then teach him how to wildly run in circles and bark whenever he spots anybody under 25 walking on the condo grounds. This is really good for the pecs.

4.) After a short break, have the dog search out the condo grounds, looking for unmarried couples who may actually be living together. Some Gestapo-types hate this, and the dog should work up a good sweat.

5.) After lunching on yogurt, have the dog run around looking for renters. Not only will he stay lean, he might win a commendation from the condo board.

FIND THOSE SIGN VIOLATORS

6.) Teach the dog to run to the window and jump up and down while looking for violators who may have small signs on their doors that are definitely against condo rules. This won`t help him lose a lot of weight, but it will help him maintain the right attitude.

7.) Train Fido that there is no such thing as relaxation. When he has nothing to do, which will be often, make sure he is still vigorously searching for violators of rules. Any rules. This will keep him mentally sharp.

8.) Finally, when the dog wants to eat, let him munch on the condo rules. Not great for the digestion, but will certainly fill him up.

If you follow the regimen above, your pooch should quickly become a lean, mean, condo machine.

The hard-core commandos will love him. In fact, they`ll think he`s just one of the guys.