[02-01]The One with Ross’s New Girlfriend (ロスの新しい恋人)

Phoebe : Ok, so this is pretty much what’s happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like “forget about her” but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, “Oh my god.” So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn’t know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that’s pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how’ve you been?

Rachel : Oh my god. Oh my god. Excuse me. Emergency! Excuse me!

Ross : Rache!

Rachel : Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you?

Ross : It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?

Rachel : What?

Ross : You’re bleeding.

Rachel : I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. I wanna hear everything!

Ross : Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.

Rachel : These are, these aren’t for you. These are for you. Welcome to our country.

Julie : Thank you. I’m from New York.

Rachel : Ok, well, not a problem. We’ll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.

Monica : I’m telling you, she went to the airport, and she’s gonna go for it with Ross.

Phoebe : Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what’s bigger than huge?

Joey : Um, this?

Phoebe : Yes.

Monica : Guys, you got your hair cut.

Chandler : Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.

Phoebe : ‘Cause, you know, if you don’t look good, we don’t look good. I love that voice.

Ross : Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we’re gonna go see the baby.

Julie : And then we’ve gotta get some sleep.

Ross : Yeah, it’s really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.

Chandler : Well, listen, don’t tell us what’s gonna happen, ’cause I like to be surprised.

Ross : Hey, Rache, can I get some coffee?

Rachel : Yeah, sure.

Ross : Thank you.

Chandler : Hey, Rache, can I get–

Rachel : Did you talk to him?

Chandler : Not yet.

Rachel : Then, no.

Chandler : So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.

Ross : I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it’s never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?

Chandler : God?

Ross : It was you, pal.

Chandler : Well, maybe it was God, doing me.

Ross : Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that’s all. But then I met Julie, and I don’t know, we’re havin’ a great time. And I never would’ve gone for it with her if it hadn’t been for you.

Chandler : Well, you owe me one, big guy.

Rachel : Here’s your lemonade.

Ross : I didn’t order lemonade.

Rachel : Oh. Well than, you better go take that back because they’re gonna charge you for that.

Ross : But–

Rachel : Go go go go, come on! Well, what did you find out?

Chandler : He said, he said that they’re having a great time. I’m sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself without any outside help whatsoever.

Ross : How is that the silver lining?

Chandler : You have to really wanna see it.

Ross : Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.

Monica : Phoebes, you know what I’m thinking?

Phoebe : Oh, ok. How, it’s been so long since you’ve had sex, you’re wondering if they’ve changed it?

Monica : No, although now that’s what I’m thinking.

Phoebe : All right, so what were you thinking?

Monica : Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you’d like to do mine?

Rachel : Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he’s Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can’t have.

Monica : Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.

Rachel : I know you did. I’m just gonna deal with it, I’m just gonna deal with it. I gotta get out of here.

Joey : Ooh, that bad, huh? Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It’s one of my gifts.

Rachel : When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it’s like there’s rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.

Joey : You gotta tell Ross how you feel.

Rachel : Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?

Joey : What about her? They’ve only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.

Rachel : I don’t know, I don’t know.

Joey : Look, Rache, Rache, I’ve been with my share of women. In fact, I’ve been with like a lot of people’s share of women. The point is, I’ve never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.

Chandler : Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man.

Joey : Frankie? What’re you talking about?

Ross : Hey, what’s goin’ on?

Chandler : Joey’s tailor…took advantage of me.

Ross : What?

Joey : No way. I’ve been going to the guy for 12 years.

Chandler : He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite–

Ross : what?

Chandler : Cupping.

Joey : That’s how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn’t that how they measure pants?

Ross : Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?

Joey : What? That’s not? Oh my god.

Monica : Even Mary Tyler Moore would’ve been better.

Ross : I like it. I do, I think it’s a Ten.

Monica : Thank you. My hair is very amused.

Chandler : Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it’s crazy, but it’s true.

Phoebe : Thank you.

Ross : Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rache.

Rachel : Wait, are you leaving?

Ross : Yeah, that’s kinda what I meant by “bye!”

Joey : Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test…

Chandler : That’s ok.

Ross : What’s goin’ on?

Rachel : Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn’t. Um, second of all, what?

Ross : Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?

Rachel : No.

Ross : Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking “Oh my god, I’m with Rachel”. You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all?

Rachel : No, I think that was the whole all.

Joey : I swear to god, Dad. That’s not how they measure pants.

Julie : I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andy McDowell’s new haircut?

Phoebe : You wanna do it right now?

Julie : Great!

Phoebe : Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andy McDowell’s the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?

Rachel : No. No no no no no. That’s Rodney McDowell. Andy McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.