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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Zombie Awareness Month, the CDC, and the Rapture

By Lee Waites

We've gotten past the hump. May is heading into the final stretch. As I'm sure you know, May is "Zombie Awareness" month. We at the Birmingham Free Press take this seriously. Along with the upcoming predicted Rapture, this year's May has been memorable. The CDC, likewise, has been on its toes. Thankfully they have prepared a list of things to be aware of in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse.

The CDC has listed Zombie Apocalypse right up there with hurricanes and pandemics. In their Emergency Preparedness Response Report, they include a number of details regarding zombie attack that you just won't find anywhere else, as well as some history and contact information. Of course, we at the BFP do not consider the CDC our first source of information regarding zombies. But we appreciate their regard for this potentiality.

Unfortunately, there is no information about the Rapture. If there is, it is cleverly hidden. We searched between Radiation Sickness and Rat Bite Fever and there is nothing. One might believe that, at the CDC they either do not believe the Rapture is upon us, or they consider themselves on the guest list, therefore, are just not worried. There are sources all over the place regarding what to do in the event of Rapture. The main one would probably be the Bible. I don't want to go into too much detail, especially since I didn't find too much detail in the Bible about the Rapture. But from what everyone is saying, it's going to be interesting.

The BFP would like to implore those at the CDC to please hurriedly post some information about post-Rapture procedures. When, and if they release this information we will keep you posted. We're just so thankful we don't have to worry anymore about global climate change, the oil shortage, union busting or any of those other pesky concerns. We got our tennis shoes ready and we're wearing clean shorts.