Then followed the thoughts of darkness.
And I saw that all is in balance. It needs to be.

The darkness is simply another energy that contrasts the light. It can be used in different ways. It must be understood differently.

And I see that harnessing and managing the darkness has been difficult for me in the past because I didn’t have the skill-set or the understanding.

These are tools and techniques that can be learnt – if we are brave enough to discuss them openly.

Difficulties arise within the pain that typically accompanies the darkness. The pain of unmet life expectations, or the pain of confusion and perceived loneliness. These brief memories spring forth for me right now. And there is no pain within these memories, within this moment. For my understanding of life, and of myself, lets gentle awareness be in charge.

This entire reveal comes with a quiet calm, of knowing that the choice is mine every step of the way. That every thought, action, every motivation and decision, can propel me forwards – into the light, and greatness.

There is so much more I need to say
To the world, to you, and to myself
I need to hear the encouragement that only comes from a changed state of being
From a fresh way of thinking
From love overpowering fear
And it’s greatest source is hidden inside me
I want to hear it loud and proud
And each day I cry for another vision
Another visit from the tenderness that had been lost
I. Keep. Pushing. Forwards.
Searching. For. More. Of. This.
And the fear claws me back, holds me back,
Stabs my back and leaves me bleeding in pain
When all I want is Peace. Love. Life. Connection.
How do I connect with strength ephemeral?
Wanting more. Looking for more. Searching
Tell me where to look
Help me see what I need to… Be.
When deep ruts steer me wayward
I ask for guidance, for a gift
To heal the rift inside my heart, my head.

But I encourage you to write because of my own experiences of that being a hugely beneficial path to take.

When I was depressed for years,

frequently suicidal, for years

when writing was my only emotional outlet, I pushed through it all and eventually pushed out through all the hurt into something that was truly a little bit beautiful amidst the terrible darkness.

It was on the advice of a dear friend I started blogging. Fear made me keep it anonymous. But what I met was a writing community that embraced me and encouraged me in every way. I found friends who taught me about understanding and grief, about strength and persistence, about discovery and perseverance.

And I am forever grateful for that experience.

I see now how I pushed myself through the fear. Partly out of fear of the darkness, but mostly because ALWAYS inside me, no matter what other shit was going on, there was the tiniest spark of light that guided me onwards. Perhaps it was a genetic gift from my mother, of hope or optimism. Perhaps it was the repeated words of a few close friends who reminded me during those darkest times that it wouldn’t last, that life will get better, that I deserved better, that just hanging on for another minute is all I needed to do in the moment.

How can I not be grateful for experiencing that genuine expression of love from people I’ve only known for a few years?!

And now it’s my time to shine for myself, and for others. It’s my time to pass on the love. To “pay it forward” to someone else. Not out of any duty, or karma, just because its who I am. Simple, honest, caring for other humans. (And because, well, in that place, there are new lessons for me too.)

So I don’t know what you want in your life, what your personal goals are. But I see you already caring for and discovering yourself in many ways. We all want to “be better” or perhaps just “feel better”. While that path is a very personal choice, I see you finding your way forwards already.

And I just want to encourage you to do, and to keep doing, whatever it takes to maintain forward momentum in your life.

I encourage you past the fears in whatever way it takes, because that is just the way forwards.

Feeling tired is understandable after a string of late nights (early mornings). You will refresh with time outside and in touch with nature, fresh air and sunshine.

Your energy has been considerably focussed outwards, engaging with others. You also benefit from quiet self time to recharge.

Already, within minutes, this very process has shifted your focus. The positive reaffirming responses are exactly the inputs you needed.

I feel so tired, I could just sleep the rest of the day through. Yes, you would also benefit from additional motivation right now. Getting to work and being productive, moving projects forwards, that energises you. There is also bookwork to complete, to make life easier for the future.

*Focus now on doing what will benefit you the most tomorrow.*

It’s okay to take time out for yourself. Yet remember that working also brings in the money to enjoy life, to do more that engages with others, to experience new joys and discoveries. Life is what matters the most, and that can truly only happen the most when you get up, go out, and interact with the world you have around you.

I will move forwards now, focussing on one step at a time. A single step forwards, then another, in the direction of my goals. Because I am responsible for my happiness, I am the source of my power and energy. Because I love people, I cherish connection and interaction – and the path to those times also goes through personal effort, work, focussing on more mundane tasks. I will push forwards today, one step at a time, each moment another positive move no matter how small or large.

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There is no need to hurt
Don’t ask why
Don’t deny
yourself any feeling
Sit with it
Acknowledge it
But do not dwell on it
No judgement for yourself
or the feelings
Let them be
And let them go
Be at peace with yourself
Within the moment
Let the storms rage around you
You are safe, here
in the centre of it all
Until the tempest passes

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Each day is recovery,
even the ups and downs.
The shitty days and the good days,
they are all little steps to recovery.
I don’t know how exactly,
I just know it is.

Though the black days
feel like you’ve slipped back
somewhere you don’t want to be,
remember
you are still steps closer
towards something better.

I know right now
better is not equal to recovery,
but I know right now
there is something you can do for yourself.
Something good,
something you will one day be glad of.
But right now is all that really matters anyway.

Give yourself space
to breathe in a little more you than there was before,
push yourself that fraction of a millimetre forwards.
And afterwards
allow yourself
to feel some good about what you did.

Forget about the shitty feelings,
life’s full of them.

Do something right for yourself,
do something right now
that I could feel good about too.
Because I care enough
to do something right for you.
And if I was able to do more,
I would do it just for you.

===

[some advice to a writer friend, which I hope I can follow myself when I need it too]

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Others can be so cruel in what they do (or don’t) say and do,
But they’ll never know what is going on inside of you.
Just as you’ll never really understand their thinkingness,
Remember that what others think of you is none of your business.
Look inside yourself with kind love and know,
Following your own heart is the only way to grow.