Friday, May 28, 2004

Annoying Phone Call #4,122,893

Ring ring!Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi, I'm calling about your ad.
Me: Yes, that's right – what would you like to know?

I always ask this because I have no idea what information this person already has about me. There's no point to my launching into a spiel about fees, hours of availability, et cetera, if the caller already knows all that.

Caller: Could you describe yourself, please?

Oh, shit. I hate it when they say this. Now that we all have websites with photos, I don't get this question very often, thank god. Because what this guy wants me to do is describe the way I look in minute detail – my exact height, weight, age, measurements, including bra size, hair length, blah blah blah.
It's not that I don't think the guy's entitled to know what I look like. That's why I have pictures on the damn website. But the verbal run-down thing - well, I can't speak for everyone, but every sex worker I know personally really hates this. We all think it feels degrading to be asked to describe the way we look as if our attributes were the features on a used car. I've worked in places where the women all stood in a lineup for clients to choose from, and that didn't bother me at all. But this bothers me. So I won't do it.

Me: Did you see an ad of mine – is that how you got this number?
Caller: Yes.
Me: Okay, well, that’s a picture of me in the ad.
Caller: It's kind of a small picture. Would you say you were a C-cup or a D-cup?

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Me: I also have an extensive website with a lot of photos of me, and I do ask that everyone read over it before booking a session with me.
Caller: Oh, uh…I mean, I can't afford internet access.

The Thirty-Seconds rule strikes again! Thirty seconds on the phone, and you'll know if there's a chance in the world. And let me tell you, if this guy can't afford internet access, then he definitely can't afford me. In fact, he can't even afford to hear me talk about myself.

Me: Oh, too bad. Well, I understand. Thanks a lot, buh-bye.
Click.I hang up quickly before he can say another word. If you want to hear a girl talk about her tits, I think, you'll have to call somewhere else.