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Enough

Please welcome Whole Life Yoga 500-hour graduate Marcie Leek to the blog today. I’m so INCREDIBLY proud of Marcie and the work she’s doing. Thanks for joining us here today!

For the past few years, I’ve been teaching classes called “Befriending Your Body through Yoga” to plus size women. My intention with these classes is to create a comfortable space where women who have bigger bodies are able to come and see what yoga can offer them. As the name implies, there is also an element of self-compassion underlying the classes. Teaching self-compassion to my students is as important to me as teaching pose adaptations because in my own life I have found that practicing yoga has led to a much kinder, gentler, and more accepting relationship between my (overcritical) mind and my (overweight) body. This is nothing short of a miracle.

I grew up in a small desert town in the 70s. My perceptions of beauty came from the Charlie’s Angels, the Bionic Woman, and Tiger Beat. At that time, there was no body positivity movement and no Yoga and Body Image Coalition and, as a girl of a certain size, I could have used them. My body didn’t look or move like the bodies of most girls around me, and I felt markedly different. No matter how much I dieted, I couldn’t get down to the movie-star weight of 107 pounds. So, I abandoned my body in favor of my mind, striving for excellence in order to make myself good enough, lovable enough, and acceptable enough.

I’m no longer a girl, and I’ve learned from some of my students that not all rounder-bodied women grew up ashamed of their bodies. I’m wistful when I meet women like that. I wonder what my life might have been like had I not spent years aiming to be invisible for fear of mockery or rejection. There have been other students in my classes who grew up like me and who say that it takes every bit of their will just to get to class, particularly the first few times. They are afraid of being visible, of being watched and judged. I feel so deeply for them because I recognize that struggle. They, like me, have samskaras, as yoga philosophy would call it. Samskaras are patterns deeply imprinted at a subconscious level. They can affect our habits, thoughts and actions. The samskaras about my body that I learned from and cultivated in my youth followed me for much of my young adulthood and still affect me today, even after years of conscious work with them. They are familiar to some of my plus-size students because the messages that conditioned them permeate our culture. The messages we receive are that bigger bodies are not normal, acceptable, or desirable. That we are lazy, undisciplined, and ugly. That the sum total of who we are will never be enough to compensate for the fact that we are fat.

One of the greatest gifts I’ve received from yoga is the ability to find a place within myself that is not only quiet and accepting but also has no interest in following the patterns and beliefs of my samskaras. This is what I want to pass along to my students: the understanding that yoga can help them access this same place within themselves, and that it is a place of deep kindness and self-love that is unimaginable when the samskaras are running the show. My deepest Self isn’t interested in what I weigh or what I’m wearing to class, nor is it interested in comparing my body or my abilities to the other students around me. It’s such a relief! I practice yoga to experience that connection with my Self and to experience my body and my breath as it is in the moment, and I’ve learned that what it is in each moment is enough.

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7 thoughts on “Enough”

Marcie,
Thank you for sharing a beautifully written blog. I work with many people who are round in shape. I am not that perfect 107 and have always had body image issues! I celebrate that fact that I know that anybody can do yoga. It is all about meeting them on the mat where they are.
Blessings,
Trudy

Thank you so much for writing this blog entry. Although I am now that 107 lb (not so perfect) person, I haven’t always been thin. I was a bit overweight all my life until age 28 when I suddenly lost 25 pounds and have kept it off. The words from my youth are still seared in my memory, “she has such a pretty face, too bad she can’t lost some weight.” Or I was called “study” and “chubby.” After I lost the weight, a man who did not notice me before suddenly found me interesting. People complimented me on my looks. Back then I thought I had found my way to happiness, but now I am scared to gain a pound or two, that I somehow revert back to those days of not being fully accepted. I applaud your efforts and wonder if your class would benefit someone like me who still needs to love and accept my own body, no matter what weight I am.

Sheryl,
Thank you for sharing your story. YES to the “such a pretty face” comment! That’s one I heard a lot, too. I think those words, and many like them, start the samskara grooves, whether we realize it or not. I’m so grateful that we have yoga (and particularly Viniyoga, as you know!) to help us see more clearly. Regarding the class, women of many different body types and sizes have joined. It’s self-perceived versus what the clothing size/scale/BMI says. That has led to some surprising participants! Those voices in our heads don’t always match what others see, do they? It’s a great lesson in compassion.

Thank you Marcie for the work you do. The image of what yoga is about has been warped in the media in many ways. Showing the imaginary perfect bodies doing imaginary perfect poses, it is so far from what yoga is.
I am so proud of you and the work of showing what yoga really is.
I know I had my own image driven samskaras, though not the same as yours, they are powerful voices that can hide within our minds. May these be driven out by each movement, each breath…