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GLENNON
DOYLE

Step One

May 7, 2014

Step One: Admit that your life has become unmanageable.

Hey. I’m Glennon. My addiction to the internet has made my life unmanageable.

Twelve years ago, I walked into my first AA meeting and picked up a list of addiction warning sign questions. I silently answered yes to every single question. I was an addict- no doubt about it. For twelve years I’ve kept that brochure on my bedside table. Last week I picked it up and once again – I silently answered yes to every single question. I’m still an addict. Not a recovering one- an active one.

Have you ever tried to stop your involvement with the substance, only to last a couple of days?

Many times. I’ve taken many internet “sabbaticals.” I often sneak back on- and even when I make it through a sabbatical- I jump back on afterwards with full force.

Do you find yourself using more and more of your substance?

Yes. Sometimes I promise myself I’ll just log on for a few minutes and two hours later I’m still mindlessly scrolling through people’s “pages.” People I don’t even know.

Is your involvement with the substance making your life more narrow?

Yes. Sometimes I feel like I live more in teeny corners of the internet than I do in real life.

Have you ever found yourself having an “eye- opener?”

Yes. Often the first thing I do in the morning is roll over and “check my phone.”

Are you preoccupied with the substance?

Yes. I feel fidgety and unfocused whether I’m with or away from my phone – I feel unable to be present in the moment.

After your involvement with the substance, do you feel badly about yourself?

Yes. After time on my internet/ social media accounts I often feel empty, competitive, anxious, icky, untethered, somehow “less than.”

Is your involvement with the substance negatively impacting your relationships with others?

Yes. I find myself tuning my children out to “check” my social media accounts. I often choose to scroll through strangers accounts rather than engage with my husband.

Has your use of the substance damaged your relationships?

I think so. As I look back on the last three years of my life- the number of online “friends” I have compared to the number of “real life” friends I have seem to be inversely related. I am more “successful” online than ever before- and I’ve never had fewer real life friends.

Does your involvement with the substance put your health or the safety of others at risk?

Yes. Last week I found myself “checking my texts” while driving. I knowingly chose to put my life and the lives of other drivers at risk because I couldn’t control the urge to “check.” WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? An otherwise smart, loving human being risking LIVES in order to engage in a ridiculous meaningless behavior??

OH. Yes. I remember what that is after all. I spent the first half of my LIFE doing that.

It’s a lock, you guys. I’m addicted to the internet.

Twelve years ago I fought my way out of the world of alcoholism and food addiction. I was on the straight and narrow for a while. I woke up every morning and found all of my worth from just BEING. Just Being was a miracle to me. I listened to my inner voice and the voices of people who loved me and knew me. I felt myself beloved on this Earth. Now I wake up every morning and I run to social media to find my worth. I give it away each day. I do not ask God or myself if I am loved. I ask Facebook if I am loved. I ask for the opinion/voices of a million strangers before I check in with the quiet.

My head is down. My head is down for much of the day. I am missing all of the miracles and beauty of the life right in front of me and around me and under me and above me and within me because my eyes are on a six inch screen that has nothing to do with me.

I’m afraid that one day when my children think of their mama- the picture in their mind’s eye will be me with my head down- saying “one second, honey.” I’m afraid that when I try to help my kids navigate the world of social media for themselves- when I try to convince them that the internet is not the Real World- I won’t have a leg to stand on. Because they will do what I do and not what I say.

This year I won Best All Around Social Media on the internet on Parents Magazine. I am good at gathering online friends. But last week I saw a friend’s post about a big party she had at her house and I started crying in car pool line because I couldn’t think of ten friends I could invite to my house. I’ve let them all fall away. I am gaining the world and losing my soul. The more online friends I have, the fewer real life friends I have. I don’t have time or energy to invest in real life people because I’m spending my whole self on online people. Just because you’re good at something doesn’t make it a worthwhile pursuit. I was good at drinking too – I once out drank a 6’4” college football player beer for beer. That doesn’t mean it was anything to write home about.

I have lost the ability to Be Still with myself in the Quiet and Know that I am enough. That’s the definition of sobriety for me. To just be able to SIT STILL even when it’s uncomfortable without escaping the present moment through booze or food or shopping or freaking twitter. I’ve lost my peace. I was on the path, but I stepped off and took a detour called “social media.” It’s okay. It’s all right. I just need to get back on the path. That’s all we can do. We can stop- look down at where we are- and crawl back to that damn straight and narrow path where all the growth and LIFE happens. “So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn’t sit for even one, that’s the journey of the warrior – Pema Chodron. I have forgotten how to sit with my hot loneliness – and the hot loneliness is where all the good and real stuff is born. I am numbing my restlessness with my phone. No numbing.

Last week I stumbled upon this gem: “The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”- Thoreau. Oh. Being “good” at the internet is much, MUCH too expensive for me. I can’t afford it. I can’t afford to exchange any more of my life for it.

I’m home now, – working this out with great fear and trembling. I’m setting up some new boundaries. I will not leave you. I am a writer. I will write. I will get my writing to you. That is certain. But I am starting to understand that somewhere along the way I forgot that my work is writing, my work is not getting people to love me by being a social media darling. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I am already Beloved and that my little life with my family and my church and my community is Miracle Enough. I am going to remember. I’m going to re-enter and LIVE in my brutiful REAL WORLD.

The first step is admitting there is a problem. I’ve taken the first step. I’m on my way home. Woot.

Love,
G

PS. I certainly know and have seen the good that comes out of the internet/ social media. Please note that nowhere in this essay did I say that social media is inherently evil or addictive. I do not believe that any more than I believe that wine or food are inherently evil or addictive. I am simply saying I am addicted to it and need to reset my boundaries.

I’ve been thinking about this same thing a lot. It’s what brene brown calls numbing out, what Jen Louden calls shadow comfort, what tata brach calls substitutes. And you’d think if I had read so many books about it, i’d be at the end.

But we never are, are we? Life is hard. This is life. And avoiding pain and discomfort are part of the human experience. We all need love and belonging and purpose. Of course we do.

And all of these wise women are clear on one thing: it’s not the what, it’s the how. Twitter is lovely. It’s a gift. It’s given me community and love and a platform to do good work that I value. But when I come to Twitter expecting it to give ME value, it is dangerous.

You are valuable. You are worthy. You are loved. Every day. And not just for your work. You don’t need to do the work to be loved. You do the work because you love the work.

I have never seen addiction so clearly laid out. What you said– “Sit still even when it’s uncomfortable without escaping the present moment”, my heart stopped for a moment.

For the past ten years I have been an overeater, and now I am an over-consumer of media. I am going to write that quote and put it up in my kitchen so that when I want to reach for the bag of chocolate chips I stop for a moment and remember that I am enough.

I feel ya. I struggle with this as well. I’ve been thinking for a few days about this quote I read in relation to this post of yours. “Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.” –Francis Chan

It’s not that the interwebs don’t matter but it challenges me to use the internet and my phone in ways that do matter. I’d like my presence on and use of social media to be an extension of the kind of person I’m trying to be elsewhere. Hard, though. Carry on. You’ve got this.

So many of us here are commenting, yes! amen! and the irony is not lost on me because we are Monkees and connect in the very way that Glennon–and so many of us–are struggling with. Balance…I am seeking…striving…Boundaries…necessary…healthy. It is the challenge of separating the wheat from the chaff. There IS good to be had online, but it can also be more consuming of our time and brain space than is good for us–or the ones we love in our “real” world.

Okay…my screen time is up…gotta go…but thanks to all of you for being “here”!

Aaaaannnndddd… Yes. I read this while breastfeeding my nine month old baby. He’s become so conditioned to feeding while I’m on the laptop that his preferred drinking posture is sitting, facing me, with free reign at the maternal milk bar.

This post struck a chord. Just last week I decided that I’d start by making Sundays internet free. Tomorrow’s my first net Sabbath. All good solidarity vibes coming at you as you start the process of figuring out what might work for you. For now.

YES! Love this, I struggle with it myself so thank you. I find that quiet time with prayer and meditation in the morning makes all the difference. I realise how difficult that could be for some to find, but even 5-10 minutes just helps so much to set a vision of what we can do for ourselves and others. I am attempting 30 days of this. Day 17 and the difference in my mental and emotional health, my productivity and overall contentment is miraculous. I thought I was going crazy for a while there (and I was). Much love!

G.–just wanted to add: I think i remember you mentioning along the way that you are an introvert. I am, too. In general, we tend to have fewer friends. But, we tend to have deep and meaningful friendships with those friends who we do have. I’ve heard a number of introverts talk about how social media has been such a blessing for them because it fits their temperament and communication style…they can pause and reflect before they speak…or type…or whatever 🙂

I don’t always know what to do about it… I go back and forth between wondering if it’s really so bad and if it isn’t a pretty good thing and blah blah blah… But I know my here and now friendships have suffered, even while I’ve developed some great ones online. “Be Present” is my mantra these days. Life is too sweet to let it pass by like this! If you have any insights about creating boundaries in this area, I hope you’ll keep us updated. It’s hard!

G- I am sure that you are already WAY up/down/all-around with this song, but I couldn’t help but think of you reading this post:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
“Oceans (where feet may fail)”- Hillsong

Once you get some quiet, you’ll know what God wants from you. All my love and quietness,
Treans

Thank you for this post. I’ve been struggling with this myself lately and I DON’T EVEN OWN A SMART PHONE! Yet, any time I’m home the computer is always on my lap. I don’t want my family to remember me this way. I want to be engaged with them. It’s time for a reality check for myself and this post came at just the right time.

Leaving you space, but also sending you strength because it is hard…all just really hard. You get us all through the hard times and we will get you through the hard times. You will win and you will figure out/learn/manage the Internet without it affecting your circle of monkees. We need you, but so does your family and you need yourself. We’ll be here, don’t worry!

I don’ have any answers, just a book recommendation. I just picked up “Soul Keeping” – Caring for the most important part of you by John Ortberg. Just start at Chapter 2 and go from there. I haven’t finished it yet, but the first couple of chapters have been good. Puts things in perspective. Lots of Hugs.

I took your words and put them into action last night. I went to a real life friend and told her about the struggles my husband and I have been going through for the past 2 yrs. I held this all in for so long and it was scary to tell a real life friend (other than our therapist) but it felt like a relief. It is nice to know I have someone I can vent to that isn’t $100 an hour! But I still feel like having people online helps too because there may be people out there going through similar things where in real life I feel like the only one. My husband is trying to figure out if this life that we have built together is the life he wants for himself. It is painful to have the person you are in love with say “I love you but it is complicated”. I wish it were more black and white. I wish I knew how many months/years of therapy are in our future and if it is all going to be worth it.

Kathy, I hear you. I’m energetically with you. I’m only a bit father on the path. I told friends of my heartache only about a year ago and with that I am very cautious, sticking to my values but my heart goes out to you in familiar questioning. I just want you to know you’re not alone my friend. The thing is:it’s all going to be worth it no matter which way the cards fall because we are choosing to grow, to be kind and courageous and to do the work that is ours to do.

Even if you never see you in social media again, you are forever loved for your thruth and the laughter you’ve brought to all of us in tough mommy-times.
You have no idea how much you have helped me! I am eternally grateful.
Take care of yourself, don’t read any of our comments if it inteferes with your health. LOVE!!! Marie

Thank you for responding to Kimberly. I don’t know how you did it so graciously, but I already knew that you’re a very special and gifted person. I hear you and I respect you and your honesty.
If I could offer a teeny tiny bit of advice, those who tell you that your career requires social media are exaggerating. You’ve done that work. I loved your book and I will buy your next book, internet or not.
You are one of my two favourite writers in social media — you regularly inspire me, provide and provoke fresh insights, and make me smile and laugh. I would really miss your writing! Of course I’m not alone in that regard.
In any event, your health and wellbeing are more important than your career, right? It’s hard enough to limit this temptation without any professional or financial incentive to be here!
With respect and affection and understanding… 🙂

Hi. I’ve met you in Dallas twice. I admire you so much. I nearly wet my pants when you did your bit on not having to play my little pony if you don’t want to.

Sister, I know. I am with you. I answer similarly to those questions and still show up… face to face with… people… as a volunteer at my kids’ school, my incredible Bible study, my church, my missions board, as a neighbor, etc.

We do backyard campouts with the kids, read in laps, without phones, ride scooters, have baths with food colored ice bergs, carve Elsa in a banana because even though you wrote about it to make fun of Pinteresty moms, you still wrote about it and I did it once and now my kids want Lightning McQueen and Elsa bananas for school everyday….I digress.

You get the point. I’m addicted but I value face to face with my people and my kids and my hubs to no end. No rationalization. I’m addicted. I appreciate your honesty and fearlessness. I need boundaries and will walk this with you.

And, you will never lose me or my bestie Cathy. We are all in. Love wins.

With so many young women reading this blog, this may be a good post/place to ask you all…….PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT put your children in danger with your addiction to the cell phone – you KNOW what I’m talking about – – – talking and/or texting while you are driving!! Quite honestly, I think any parent/adult found to be using a cell phone behind the wheel with children in the vehicle should be arrested for child endangering. Don’t be so self-centered and selfish to think that the text or phone call is more important than the safety of your children and the other people on the road around you. What kind of an example are you setting for your children when you do this? I am all for outlawing the use of a cell phone behind the wheel. Please, people, PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND PUT BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL!!! Save a life………….yours. your child’s. PLEASE!!

Hi G! You might be interested in a book called “Hamlet’s Blackberry.” (Subtitle: building a good life in the digital age). He offers some actual real-life practical ideas for boundaries. Really Good Stuff.

One thing you wrote jumped out at me: “…I’ve never had fewer real life friends.” Maybe, like you’re suggesting, this is evidence that it’s time to put more boundaries on social media. Sounds reasonable. But also maybe possibly it’s a stage in life where you’re gravitating toward a very small handful of real-deal friends rather than a whole bunch of I-could-invite-you-to-a-party friends.

When I read about the pick-up line at first I thought, “Crap, I don’t have 10 friends I could invite to a party.” But then I remembered that’s not my definition of “having friends.” (Whew.) I’d rather have a cup of tea with one good friend or call my sister or watch Jimmy Fallon with my best-friend-husband. Once in a while I forget that and think I need more friends (like when someone I know on FB rents a party bus for her 40th birthday and she and dozens of her friends post about how much fun the whole thing was). Then I remember that’s about the opposite of what I wanted for my 40th last summer – which was to go climb 3 hours to the top of a gorgeous mountain in Colorado with one very amazing friend I’ve known since we were in ninth grade and share stories and laugh and look at the blue sky and the wildflowers and know in my soul that the world is beautiful and brutiful and then take a shitload of Advil because, well, I’m 40.

Maybe you can use your social media powers to orchestrate a Big Log Off this summer where we’ll all take just one (hour a day? day a week? day a month?) and commit to disconnecting from technology and connecting with real people. Then we can share and celebrate how hard and great it was. I know I need to log off more and maybe that community effort would be the extra push I need to actually do it. Accountability you know? (I also need to run more. Just sayin’.)

I hear you Meredith! I have only one friends-forever person and still we live 4 hours away and see each other only about once a year. And our family has moved cross-country 3 times in the last 10 years, starting over each time. No magic answer to offer. Maybe if we keep nurturing all the little budding friendships, putting intentional energy into the ones that hold the most promise, maybe years from now one of them will have turned into a “friends forever” person.

Oh wow. This is so beautifully written. You are no doubt a writer. I so agree with you on the balance. I found when I actively pursued social media, my hits more than doubled in the month. But it made me less happy, less connected to my daily loves that like you, I realigned and set myself on the path anew. Thanks as always and keep writing. You will find balance!

I’m having a difficult time with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. Too much compulsive checking. Major FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). Hours fly by and I’ve gained nothing. So many other things I could and should be doing with my precious time. I appreciate your post, Glennon.

FOMO . . . that is exactly it! There is so many creative little acronyms I would never know except for social media. Then again, without this laptop to hide behind, perhaps the person next to me at the coffee shop would strike up a conversation and share even more. . . *SIGH* For today, I will look people in the eye as I walk down the street. We are not small town enough to wave, but it is a start.

oh sweet Lord, yes. i’m struggling with this, too. i rationalize it by telling myself it’s how i keep in touch with everyone who doesn’t live here (which, by the way, is not far from where you live) – but it’s beginning to compromise how i feel about myself and how i interact with people who DO live here. you’re not the first person to bring me this lesson this week, and i do believe it’s time for me to stop ignoring you all and do something about it. love you for this, lady.

I have just run into your work over the last handful of weeks. This is the first bog article I have read of yours, but have seen your posts on Facebook. My first thought once I read your story was, ‘Oh, now she is addicted to Facebook/Twitter, etc. How sad.’ I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU that you figured this out. Many, many blessings to you! Kim

Reading today’s post, I vacillated between a fear that I’m also addicted (it’s not fear – it’s a fact), and the fear of losing you. I’m glad you say you won’t leave us — we need you just like you need us — but boundaries are good. You’ve inspired me to also set some boundaries. I don’t want to be the mom at the playground (or on the couch, or at the table, or at work, or in the freaking CAR) engrossed in my phone and the pseudo-world that exists there. I’m with you. We Can Do Hard Things. Let’s do this!

The words you write on your blog Glennon, have changed something inside me and allowed me to see that Brutiful can be beautiful. I look forward to reading your posts every day. I get a lift from knowing I am not the only one. But i can totally understand that for some people social media, Facebook, twitter, and all the other ways we can communicate can interfere with the daily ins and outs, that are our lives.

I used to live my life through the lens of my SLR camera. I was so obsessed with capturing all the moments, I wanted a record for my children, of the big and the small. I wanted to capture the beauty and store it away so they could remember it all. All the love, the specials, and the not specials. Then one day I looked up from behind my lens and realised that I was capturing moments that I wasn’t actually living with them. I was walking around the zoo one day, snapping away at all the amazing creatures God created, and I looked around to find my family and they were nowhere to be seen. I had wandered the path and left them behind. I find myself doing the ams thing with my iPhone, Facebook and Pinterest. Then I read an article from Huffington post about how much mums are missing. So now I have put my camera away. It hasn’t come out of the drawer for almost 2 years. Even for birthday cake photos. My iPhone does a good enough job(and the bonus is being able to post the photos to Facebook straight away). I have my phone near me, but it is not always in my hand. I am conscious of living in the moments. And if I am in the social media zone and my kids want to tell me something, I out the phone down and look them in they, so they know I am listening and engaged. The they go back to hat they’r doing and I can be free to read another post, or scroll another Pinterest page, without the guilt.

Actually, I guess I shouldn’t say “I feel the exact opposite of you”. I don’t mean to discount what you are saying or feeling. I just mean I have never thought of social media as something that could be potentially isolating. I thought it would be just the opposite. But I guess it is difficult to judge when I have never tested the waters!

I found this post fascinating. I feel the exact opposite…I feel lonely in real life often and have lately been wondering if it would help to have online friends. I’m not on a single social media site, and this is the only blog I read. But your post has made me wonder…why is it not fulfilling to have online “friends”? I was thinking it might be the perfect solution for a stay at home mom with few neighbors. But maybe that isn’t the answer after all. Your post has made me think

Kristi, I feel somewhat the same way. Chronic health issues make it hard for me to get out and meet people (as well as other things, for which I need to go back to my therapist), but in the meantime, I have developed a few very good friendships online, and my life would be much worse off without them.

On the other hand, I would encourage you to try to make personal connections as well and not use being online as a way of hiding (yes, I’m talking to myself, too). Is it possible for you to be involved at your child/children’s school(s)? Is there a way to meet other moms, or even one? Are you involved with a faith community of any kind? I know it can be hard to make connections there, too, but there are likely a variety of ways, be it a Bible study (not evangelizing, folks, just tossing out ideas) or a service project or even offering to help out in the office. Does your local library have programs or need volunteers? Do you like being part of a group or being with someone one-on-one? That last question might be able to help you figure out where to start.

Honestly, I’m a little lost now that my daughter is no longer connected to a school, and at the moment, we are not part of a faith community. A couple of attempts at volunteering for non-profits haven’t panned out, and I’m trying to tell myself to get back out there.

I’m glad to have friends online, but I would sure like to have someone to go shopping with or to a museum or out to lunch. I’ve never in my life had ten friends I could invite over, so don’t feel bad if you don’t, either. It comes down to what a lot of people have said here: balance.

Meredith –
Thanks for sharing! Doesn’t it feel like reading this particular blog is so much more positive than some out there? We do make the best of our own situation – and finding inspiration here is a great alternative when “real” connections are not available. We are a young family that is also striving to strike a balance and find meaningful relationships without inviting negative influences into our lives. Our ability to choose our friends is amazing these days – we are so mobile and connected that you are no longer limited to your neighbors.

It is great to hear that others are walking this road as well.
Now, off to forge some real life experiences – probably will search Google for ideas – LOL!

I am not in your head, or your heart. If you who live in that wonderful crazy loving space are feeling like you have a problem with a social media addiction, a problem that is affecting your most precisou relationships and your sense of self, then I trust those feelings and you should find your path again and set boundaries for yourself talk with your husband and your kids and your Sister and your therapist and your minister and Jesus and see if all together, you can work on making this less of a problem. And everyone who loves you for your honesty and your bru-ty and your humor will still love you, even when there are fewer FB posts and tweets from you.

But please also consider this. In Herndon, less than a week ago, I saw more more than 400 women and a couple of super cool men PAY MONEY just to sit with you in church for a while, get a hug from you, and work their butts off to get Mother’s Day presents and cards to a whole mess of Warrior Moms, just caused you asked us to. And EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US would have felt like it was Christmas and Birthday and all the good things if you called us up and asked us to come to your house, and it would be a really really fun party if you invited us over. Some of us would even be willing to fly down to Florida for that. Some of us might actually be real friends. (No, this is not me looking for an invite. I’m just saying. I am not a crazy stalker, just someone who thinks you are awesome.)

I think that for Love to Win, something that is “not-love” has to lose. I think — I believe– that one part of that something is the voice that makes you cry by telling you “You don’t have ten friends you could invite to your house.” It’s the voice that tells you that all the good you do by letting your heart break while you read women’s stories isn’t real enough. That your children are going to grow up to resent you. That makes you afraid.

That voice is a liar. Tell it get behind you, you have MUCH BETTER things to do with your life and your Love than to listen to him/her/them/it.

I think you are on the right path to find balance in your life. Don’t let the voice of not-love make you believe that you are EVER walking on that path alone.

Glennon – I live in Naples and would LOVE to be your friend! We have quite a bit in common; I’ve been sober 11 years this June, I’m a writer and although my kids are grown men now, I’m a mom too. I only just discovered your blog and am actually a wee bit jealous of your “media darling” status and at 58 years old, I feel like I’m running a race trying to catch up with the younger social media savvy writers. From someone who occasionally gets a few likes on my blog post and maybe a comment here or there, I would seriously love to know that my words and writing was touching the hearts of as many people as yours does.

I totally respect your honesty and willingness to look at this and it has made me see – once again, that things are not always as they seem and that no one can beat me to the place that God has carved out just for me.

Each of us is called for a specific purpose and you are clearly fulfilling a God-given mission with your writing and perspective.

Thank you for making me think and for making me look at my own unworthiness.

When you think about it, we’re only now beginning to see the effects of social media and how it affects us individually and as a community. We each need to strike that balance and we need leaders like you to be first.

Denise…wow. Powerful and well stated. Glennon…you have more friends than you even know. I finally met you yesterday and you were as genuine and loving and real as I knew you would be. And, you give legitimate hugs and look at people in the eyes and you care. You already know at this point you have thousands of followers and your worth is not measured in LIKES or re-posts or comments…your worth is measured in the mark you make when people meet the real genuine YOU and YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH. Isn’t that what you tell all of us? I saw 450 women yesterday stand and applaud the mark you made for ON POINT in honoring Katie. You were amazing. You were stunning. You are enough. I would love to be your friend. That is an invitation. I left my contact information in the letter I gave to sister. I hope to hear from you. In the interim, I will try not to check Instagram or Facebook or Momastery every hour in the event I get something in return. 🙂 The opportunity to meet you and hear you speak was more than I could have even hoped for. So glad I made the trip.
Sara from St. Louis

All the things you write are powerful, and they are true. But there is often more than one answer and I would offer this: your time online is, among other things, your avocation. And working parents of small children all sacrifice in some measure, their social life. There is not enough time and energy in the world to balance everything. What is true today and this year, may not be true always — there may be more balance in other directions down the road. But I think there are many mothers out there, exhausted with the raising of their small children and working in between all of it, who wonder which 10 people they would invite to a party at their house. That is, if they could even imagine having the energy to put on such a gathering. Look for balance, but don’t beat yourself up because things are skewed in this moment. And yes, sometimes the small glowing screens get put away so you feel the sun, the water, and live in the moment. But the small screens represent whole worlds of minds and hearts, so there must be a way to find room for both.

It is important to remember that the activities we engage in should be ultimately life-giving, and when they are not it is time to take a step back and re-evaluate. You are setting a powerful example by doing just that. People can debate what does and does not qualify as an addiction, but in the end, if, as you wrote, spending time on social media leaves you feeling “empty, competitive, anxious, icky, untethered, somehow ‘less than'”, then it is time to set some boundaries. I said goodbye to Facebook after a very difficult personal loss, and I have not gone back since. When I realized that I was constantly comparing my life to the (virtual) lives of other people and questioning the good plans God has for me, I knew something had to change. It has been easier for me to heal from that loss without the social pressure I felt on Facebook. Thank you for being so courageous in sharing your convictions about this increasingly prevalent issue and may God bless you in your journey going forward.

I agree with it all! The thing I’m struggling with is helping my kids’ navigate this territory in a healthy way and I’m not modeling great behavior. Thank you for opening up this dialogue. When families struggle with addiction you end up cutting one out and picking up another. It’s so frustrating!

Me too and I’ve been aware of this for a while. I lost my smartphone in Sept 2013 and was without one for 12 days! The irony is that I lost it at the “I Can Do It” Hay House Conference in DC (in the parking lot.) It felt like losing a limb. However, after a while, it felt like liberation. I felt lighter and free. I often think about that time, but haven’t taken the steps to curb my addiction that I need to. I also thought about taking it off my phone like someone else said and need to figure out how to do that. Thank you for your raw candor. I love you and your vulnerable truths.

I found myself addicted to FB a year ago. I got on it once before and quit too. My confession is that I wanted to be liked so badly. I found FB was a medium I hid behind to make myself look my best – but it wasn’t reality. It was only what I wanted people to see. I can control that. With real life friends they get the good, the bad, the ugly. You can’t hide. Somehow ‘friends’ seemed safer on FB. But they were not real friends though. They weren’t there for me when I was sad, lonely, desperate. They didn’t care that my heart was heavy one day….that just scared people away. They just boosted my ego. They made me feel better about myself. I forgot I don’t need people to do that. I forgot that Jesus is my all.

I completely understand your difficult personal decision. The Holy Spirit will guide you since you are following Him and He will give you peace. What you choose to do will look like Jesus loving others and then you’ll know you have found your boundary. I also have a blog and chose not to completely forgo the internet – it’s not all bad, I personally need that outlet. There is a balance. I echo what many other’s have previously said, you bring much good into the world and we love and appreciate your writing, caring, hope and good deeds.

You said it…just what I’ve been feeling. Set up all the boundaries you need, Glennon. This is YOUR life. We love your words…but this is YOUR ONE AND ONLY LIFE. We’ll be around when you are around. And if some of us aren’t? In the long run, it doesn’t matter. People will come, and people will go…and we need to pay attention to that which is right in front of and around us, while it’s around us. We can do this. 🙂

Glennon, One of the helpful things that I did was take the Facebook and other social media apps off of my phone. I know I can still get to them but it is not “one click” easy anymore. I also set boundaries on Fb so that I don’t receive posts from people I do not know. They can still see mine if they want to. This has cut down on my Fb time immensely. Baby steps…

I loooooooooooove you. If you lived by me, we would come to each others parties. I would bring you eggs from my chickens. I would sit in your yoga room and not do yoga with you. How fun to think of your Florida friends getting to do that with you now. Here is to family, friends, and Real Life. We can land this plane.

Oh man, the irony! Two weeks ago, I found and installed an add-on to my browser called “leech block” (for Firefox) in which I can restrict the times of day and amounts of time I visit specific sites. I have serious issues with compulsive link hopping…..so many hours…..poof! Gone. (Often when I am supposedly “working”) Just now I needed a “fix” and took the extra steps to override the block and sneak a peak at Momastery, only to find your list of diagnostic questions. My answers, too, are all yes. Time to reactivate the add-on and get back to work until the proper time…….and maybe this time I should have someone else generate the override password 😉

Yup. Me too. Addictions are funny — I’ve dealt with the alcohol and the drugs, but it’s like the addictive part of me will always find something else. Part of it, I know, is my craving to fill a void. The internet is an easy way to feel “connected” even if it’s false and not a real connection. It’s instant though. I don’t have to wait for a friend to return my call, or arrange a time to meet. It’s like the fast food of connection. It fills the hunger but just leaves us lacking in the end. Anyway — just wanted to say I’m with you, and I get it. Lots of love to you for being honest about where you’re at.

Wow. Another amazing post! I heard you speak in Chattanooga yesterday. I was so moved and was truly inspired. On the social media topic…I follow The Hands Free Mama blog. If you are not familiar, definitely check it out. Rachel Macy Stafford is another inspiring writer I rely on to help me on my path of life and motherhood. Progress not perfection. Thank you for sharing!

I sometimes wonder about my time on here as well. But I am finding it is sort of a ministry. I hear God calling me to be an encourager and I can do that here so quickly and publicly….I don’t know. Thanks for making me think.

If you could only know how many times and hours wasted of my life by subscribing to blogs and then cancelling blogs. I would say I am addicted to my blogs that I read. It is a tad unhealthy but I still do it 🙂

Thank you for continuing to bring this up and help us look at it.
I don’t have it figured out but I am much more aware.

I know that good has come into my life because of it (a lot of can be traced back to something I read from you or other Monkees on the Momastery fb page) and I think I have helped do good because of it BUT I realize I have also lost some of my life because of it.
One realization I had was that in many cases what I had read or seen wasn’t nessacarily bad, but what was bad was that I could have been doing something else with that time that was better for me and my family.

Digital connection seems to be here to stay in this world so I feel like we just need to figure out how to manage our use of it and be aware. How do we stay awake and focused on good? Keep looking with perspective. THANK YOU for helping us do that. Love and hugs to you <3

This was beautiful and raw. I love it when you are brutally and beautifully honest. I feel the same way…This may or may not help you- but I limit myself to two forums most on line ( my blog and my texting is what I allow) and then I have a set time each day guilt free that I devote to it. Every now and then I realize it is getting beyond what I wanted, so I forgive myself and move on. I am best in the morning at social media to get it over with- so I do about an hour when I first wake up then force myself to do Yoga to balance it out and start my day off with balance:) I wrote a post of Suggestions to Meet Desperate or Ordinary needs (click my name for link) and it really helped me as well as some friends. I like writing too but as you said, writing needs to be the addition of adding gifts and not for needing love. I think my Suggestions post was one of my favourite posts because I remember writing it when myself and some friends were going through hard times, so it just fluidly found itself on paper…in raw honesty because I also needed it. I find you often do that too…Write when you need it and others need it too. Writing is beautiful – living for it isn’t. You have a gift given, guilt free, and now you have found your truth and balance. I applaud you. Thank you for also making me re assess what I need to tweak in my online activities:) If you are desperate at first set a timer and have a friend or family member make you listen to it until you are strong enough to shut off the computer on your own. And actually SHUT IT OFF- I found this helped the most. Fully shutting down my computer when my time is done for the day and allowing myself three checks on my iphone during the day unless I am out on errands and people need to get ahold of me. It’s not perfect but it’s helped me live. Now my time is done…Have a great day!

Thank you. Your Q and A is RIGHT ON for me too. Please let us know what you find that works to deal with it, because I feel like it’s all or nothing and… can we really exist in 2014 without it at all? How do you just do it a little? I don’t know how to deal with the addiction, but know that there are others dealing with the exact same thing.

As a fellow social media addict, I’ve been thinking about your post all morning. If I were a writer I could novelize many of the thoughts I’ve had about it, but I’m not. I don’t blog, I quit facebook, and I’m breaking my “strangers don’t need to hear your opinion” rule about contributing to internet conversation for this response.

For me it comes down to balance. I am never going to be able to maintain the friendships I had in the past in a social setting, simply because we’re all at different points in our lives. It is no longer spontaneous to get together, and life gets in the way. The internet allows us to maintain our connections, but our social lives have changed. That being said, in order to balance the internet with an engaged life, you have to just do it. Have a party. If people don’t come, don’t sweat it. You have to depend on yourself for happiness and take interaction as you get it.

The biggest difference between a social media addiction (specifically yours) and a substance addiction is that you add value to the internet, because you really do. You must realize this at least. I know it’s been written about in many places, but you never actually can cure an addiction, at best you just replace it with other addictions. Just make sure they’re positive. If you want to talk through it on the phone, email me.

I think we can exist in this world without social media. We did it once; I’m sure we can do it again. Will it be weird at first? Yes. Will people perhaps think we’re odd? Yes, at first. They’ll get over it. 🙂 The information, connection, and healthy escapes we all need are available without social media. Meaning, we can still use the internet to find information. We can still meet in person, pick up the phone, email, or write a letter to stay connected. We can still escape in healthy ways by pleasant physical activity, being outside, journaling, relaxing, hobbies, etc. Everything in moderation. That is, unless it has taken over your life. Then moderation just might not work. My advice is to fill the addiction half-way with healthy escapes and process the other half of the addiction emotionally. That way we aren’t developing another addiction.

RUN TO BOREDOM INSTEAD OF MINDLESS SOCIAL MEDIA!!! Wonderful insights into the addiction steps, Glennon!! Absolutely, social media has become a huge addiction lately.

I quit FB over 6mos. ago and don’t do Twitter, Instagram, etc. I went through withdrawal at first, but it has gotten a lot better and I don’t look back. I quit cold turkey and haven’t checked it since. Now, I connect in RL (real life) more with live people. I want to be more present with those currently around me. I simply don’t need to be thinking about friends from all over and from way-back-when every day or even every week. I mean, it’s fun to know what everyone’s up to. But it also isn’t real connection. It’s just become news. News that I can’t really do anything with.

As for “escape” from boredom, I am not used to sitting with feelings and letting them bump around in my mind and processing them. Instead, I usually run away from feelings and try to “deal” with them as quickly as possible so I can get on with my life. Feeling overwhelmed? Chocolate calms. Feeling bored? Pinterest will do. Feeling lazy? Watching a movie lets me vedge. Feeling bored/lonely/disconnected/fill in the blank? Facebook will fill that space.

So, yes, admit the first step of addiction. Social media can be good, but sometimes the best thing to do is to quit it all together. I did. It can be done.

Ugh, you and I have so much in common. A lot of the hard things, unfortunately, or I guess maybe fortunately, but fortunately for me that I’m not alone and not fortunately that we both share similar demons. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately too–I do it all day and don’t even necessarily like it. I can think of 50 things I’d rather do or have but I don’t do or have them because I’m busy doing “this”…and unfortunately I can justify “this” as part of my job (when really, truly, it’s probably in reality one of the biggest threats to my job because all of the time I spend doing “this,” I am not doing “that.”)

I have been stair-stepping down with my usage but is that just an addict’s way of appeasing the “good” me who is trying to change while still holding on to the bad habits I don’t want to give up? I don’t know. I hear you.

Dear G.–I honor your need to have a healthy relationship with social media, and with real, live, flesh-and-blood people. Your distinction makes much sense, between being a writer and being a social media darling. It’s easy to get caught up in the rush that comes from every “like” and warm fuzzy! I know that just from being more involved with my church’s social media efforts. I am glad to know that you are not leaving us as a Writer, though…I think you have an amazing voice and such a warm, open heart, and you share those gifts so beautifully and generously when you write! Maybe having hours when you write, just like when you were teaching, and only using social media as a tool for that work, would help? Much love and peace as you sort through the details! Blessings, Patricia (an almost-neighbor in Sunrise, FL)

Thank you for posting this. I think I am developing an addiction, as well. I work online for a lot of the day at work…and I cannot help but check etc many times throughout. For years, I avoided having Internet at home, and now I have it…and I have forsaken many of my other home pursuits to be online. I, too, need to set up some boundaries. Thank you.

Isn’t the purpose of an addictive substance to help us avoid feeling the painful emotions we have? Which explains to me, for example, why people who undergo weight loss surgery sometimes then become addicted to shopping or people who stop smoking, eat more, etc. One behavior that helps us avoid whatever we are feeling can be easily replaced with another behavior that helps us avoid what we are feeling. For me it’s getting to and dealing with what I’m trying to drown out with the avoidant behaviors. Then we won’t need the avoidant behaviors in any form. Seems like figuring out what that fix we seek is covering up, and feeling the feelings the fix is covering up, is the only way to free ourselves from circling around to different fixes, over and over again. Sometimes we get all tied up in dealing with the symptom of the problem.. like social media, overeating, purging, drinking, gambling, etc. and forget that the core issue is what is driving us to engage in these behaviors. I wish for all of us to be able to the stuff underneath.

I have deactivated and reactivated my FB account more times than I can even recall due to these very same thoughts you write about. This world we live in these days is such a mess and we’ve removed the one very thing, that must be first in our lives, from every aspect of our lives. Once I completely cast my cares and gave my life 100% to God I have gotten back to a sense of peace. It’s been a long, long road and I’m not completely there, but I’m way better than I was just a short time ago. I spend time everyday out in nature hiking and speaking to God….my park I hike in is my church! He and I talk in depth in regards to FB! The first “app” on my phone that I check now is The Bible, then I can get my mind set in the positive love He gives through His Word.
Peace to you G…..you are so NOT alone! You are loved for your talent of writing that God has given you. I have enjoyed everything you’ve written–it’s a healing process for us all—through laughter and, sometimes, through tears!

I think a lot of times we believe that must use social media not just for our lives, but also for our businesses. My husband and I have an IT company but strangely we decided not to use social media in order to build our business; we just talk to people! 🙂 I’m not saying it can’t be helpful, cause lord knows for many people it is! Simply that there are no rules about having it in order to be successful!!! I love that! 🙂

Glennon, no. Maybe there is a boundary issue with your social media use age, but I refuse to accept that this is an addiction. Social media is a very new and not entirely understood thing. It is hard to define interms of the role and level of importance it plays, but certainly, in your case it has a very distinctive and positive role in your work. I would be more inclined to attribute the hyper use as a form of work addiction, paired with a desire to be connected and topped off with the basic psychological stimulus of positive reinforcement. You are being too hard on yourself my friend.

When I was little, my mother talked on the phone a lot. Like everyday. And when I tried to get attention, I would get the hand wave. Glennon, she didn’t even have to be on the phone for work. She just like to talk to her friends. It made her feel connected. No one was writing into the local paper or filming videos about ladies like her having a serious and negligent addiction to telephones. You know what else? I grew up strong, happy and healthy. Her phone-itis didn’t affect me one bit.

People also used to drink coffee while reading Newspapers Glennon. And this happened on the bus, at home and sometimes even in malls. When people were reading newspapers, it was very impolite to interrupt them. Again, no one was filming videos about the inherent social dangers of newspaper reading.

I believe in boundaries and constructive criticism and self evaluation. I Bellevue that is a part of making the world better for everyone. Don’t feel bad, your kids need to see your ability to prioritize, to work and to pay attention to the right things at the right time.

You are just fine. Maybe a little more management is required, but I hardly think we need to get Betty Ford involved.

My mom was also always on the phone growing up and my dad was always watching TV (I mean ALWAYS) but I still felt loved and connected to them and still do. My mom is an extravert and needed to always be talking and connecting and my dad is an introvert and living in a house with 3 other people was surely more than he could handle much of the time.
I do think we often put way too much pressure on ourselves as moms, wives, friends, etc… to be always present, connected and engaged with those around us. Sometimes I find myself spending too much time on social media or watching the Real Housewives and vegging out. But there are times when I need this disconnected time in order to connect at other times. Some people are extraverted and always want to be engaging and connecting. Others are introverted and need a quieter place. I guess finding the right balance, each person being different, is the key. And during those moments with our kids, friends, family when we are connecting and being engaged, we are letting them know we love them~ even though we aren’t “perfect”. Life is hard! I think sometimes we set expectations that are too high for ourselves.

I want you to know that I believe 100% that your comment was offered with love and respect. I hope, hope that the love and respect I have for you will be equally evident in my response.

I’d like to start by suggesting that what I am talking above – compulsive internet and social media behavior – is not, TO ME, much like your mama talking on the phone to real live friends who made her feel connected. What I am talking about is behavior that not only gets in the way of my real life friend time- but makes me feel LESS connected. I’d LOVE for my kids to see me on the phone laughing with with real live friends more often.

As for the newspaper situation- again, I would suggest that’s a different ball game. People during the time that you are referencing did not regularly crash their cars and kill themselves and others because they could not wait to read the newspaper till they stopped their cars.Yes, there are similarities – but also great, important differences.

This one’s tricky so bare with me (is it bear?bare? whatever )when someone opens up and with great thought and feeling suggests to you that she has a problem that she is trying to address- it can be dangerous to tell her that in fact, she does not. That happened to me so many, so many, so many times during my drinking years. People are different. Perhaps my unique experience with the internet and social media- because of my huge platform and uber involvement and the fact that I hear again and again from people in the know that my career depends on my presence here- means that I have a much different experience with it than you do. I am not sure why, but your reference to Betty Ford made me feel dismissed and small. I know that you didn’t mean to make me feel that way.
I just felt like in general your comment was real and thoughtful and so I wanted to respond with my real thoughts.

I get it.
I agree it’s an addiction.
One my husband has an issue with. He has what I would call an “addictive” personality as well. The internet, social media, checking the phone got to be such an issue that it interfered with our marriage. If it interferes with interacting with the real people in your life, it’s a problem. I felt like the biggest mistake we ever made was getting him a smartphone. When the problem really escalated (I won’t get into details) we disabled the internet on his phone. It’s made a big difference.
I think anything can be an addiction, if it takes time, energy, money, focus…off your family, God, your job, the life that is right in front of you.
And the internet is nothing like the phone our Moms used or TV our Dads watched. Its available 24/7, in just about all locations, constantly stimulating. There is just no comparison.
I wish you much luck in navigating this Glennon.

Oh yes! I definitely feel your pain here. And then I get writer’s block or bust out something truly horrid… or at least not as good. My best work is always done when I have been able to sit & be present first. Constant reminders. The -ism never truly goes away. We must stay active in our recovery or we will find ourselves seeking something new to fill that God hole. <3

I blog. Not as well as you. But, this same topic has been coming to my mind often. I was thinking about writing about it, but know I can’t do it justice like you just did. Thank you. My name is Mary…..I’m a social media addict, too. But, fighting to BE STILL,

This reminds me so much of my addiction to food. I need food, but it’s the way food has become this emotional crutch. I am still in the thick of it and don’t have any pearls of wisdom, but just wanted to let you know this resonates.

God bless your for your soul-searching honesty, Glennon. While I’m not sure I would classify my own behavior an addiction (not saying that isn’t a possibility, either), mine is limited to my desktop computer. I’ve only had a smart phone for a couple of years, and I use it for phone calls (gasp!) and texting and taking pictures of how smashed up my boxes from UPS are in case I ever have to report something broken instead of just smooched clothing. One day, someone in Joann (fabric/crafts) showed me how to find their site/coupons, and I think I can still access those.

I do spend time online paying bills and banking and dealing with health insurance crap, but instead of getting up and walking away after that, I’m back on FB or the Lands’ End site or Amazon.

There are people with whom I have developed real friendships online. Only a few, and I hate that we are half a country apart. But I have never in my life had ten friends to invite to my house. Never. Do you think if I ever got my house to the point where I wouldn’t be embarrassed to have friends over, the guests would appear? 😉

I appreciate the reminder to keep up with life outside of here. Thank you.

And you? You can do hard things. You have before and you will again. <3

This is really powerful and so honest. I have recently found myself being submerged inside the corners of my house after losing my job to addiction and this social media has been my new fix. I find myself waking up at nights checking to see how many likes I get on instagram after I post a new entry on my blog. Thanks for the flashing lights. I needed that today. “Be still and know that I am God” Good luck.

What an honest observation. I am a new blogger and find myself struggling every day to remember that this is not “my life,” rather a way to share the best, most interesting parts of my life. I have stopped checking my stats and worrying about who reads the blog. Instead I enjoy the people who tell me I have made them smile. I revel in the feeling of connection when someone tells me I have helped them. You have helped so many of us and continue to do so every day. Thank you for sharing your struggles. Someone once said you cannot write if you don’t live. I think all bloggers need to remember this. Thank you Glennon.