Spoilers: Takes place during episode 4 in Season 5 and immediately before the start of my Past/Present/Future !932 fic.

Summary: Becker and Emily in the panic room....

A/N: Part of my P/P/F 'verse. This is my first Emily/Becker ish moment, showing a different side to the Matt/Emily in my previous fics, but I think it works. Again beta'd by the most awesome fredbassett but all boo-boos and yogis are mine not hers. Do enjoy.

“What the hell? I gave you a direct order!”

“I know. I just thought you were wrong.”

“We really need a clearer chain of command around here!”

She never did as he asked.

Becker was supposed to be the second in command after Matt, he was the one responsible for their safety and did it not say captain on his uniform? Okay, it didn’t, but he still held that rank and that meant that when it came to incursions and the safety of others in ARC…he made all the calls.

Emily remained with the team in lockdown and her disobedience pissed him off greatly, or was it because she had ordered him to help her? Whatever the reason, it didn’t matter, she wasn’t going to be safe here and Becker thought it wasn’t too much to ask for Emily to get away from the man-eating prehistoric bugs? Matt had agreed with him.

“She disobeyed a direct order,” Becker said minutes later as Emily handed Matt a canister of pesticide.

“Yeah?” Matt and Emily grinned at each other as if they were sharing some kind of private joke. “Get used to it.”

Neither of the two men wanted her there, but there was nothing Matt or Becker could do about it.

When Emily Merchant made up her mind, there was no changing it. As soon as Emily stood next to Abby with the pesticide, when Becker saw her ready to face the bugs, fierce determination on her face, Becker concluded that he probably shouldn’t try to change her mind and that maybe, here was where she was supposed to be.

Emily could handle herself, that much Becker had always known, and she was by no means a helpless pushover. She carried an EMD as if she had always known how to use one and Becker thought that if she was given any weapon, even other types of firearms, she would become an expert in its use pretty damned quickly. The woman was more of a fighter than she really let on.

Emily still pissed him off, but it was probably due to the green-eyed monster living inside of him, which hated the way Matt was so stricken by her, hated that they seemed so bloody perfect for each other.

Now, Emily was standing next to Abby with a canister of pesticide in one hand, waiting for the oncoming swarm of bugs and their queen. She had such great resolve, her grip on the nozzle was tight, so much so that her knuckles were turning pale. Emily was afraid, he could see it. Anyone would be a fool to not be in that situation, but she was in control of it.

But then everyone’s handle on control—even hers—faltered when the bugs dropped down through the panel. The ignition of several canisters filled the room with a God-awful stench of chemicals and a stinging billow of choking gas.

Then Becker heard a piercing scream behind him. It was a sound he never wanted to hear again.

“Sarah!”

Sarah had screamed his name and begged for him to help her. She had died in his arms, but during that long year following her death, he’d always heard her scream. There were times in his sleep when he still did.

She was unconscious, she was pale and weak and it was just heart-breaking for both of them to see her like this. Becker was getting angrier with each passing second, especially as he felt so helpless. There was nothing he could do for Jess, she didn’t have her EpiPen and for some insane reason, the medical bay didn’t stock any adrenalin. Becker was going to have some serious words with those dicks who called themselves doctors.

Becker had carried her there, he had felt her go limp in his arms when they’d sat in the back of the car but even locked away in this room, there was nothing he could do. Now Becker paced the panic room, frustrated beyond hell, while Emily cradled Jess in her arms, stroking her hair and whispering soft, gentle words in her ear.

Jess could die and Becker didn’t want that. More than anything, he wanted to see her eyes open and see that lovely smile beam back up at him.

“What’s taking them so long?” he snapped, halting before the door and thinking that he would very much like to kick it. “Dammit! Come on!”

“They’ll be here,” said Emily as she brushed a lock of Jess’ hair out of her face. “Sit down.”

Becker looked back at Emily, sneered and continued to pace the room again, kicking the leg of a bench instead of the panic room’s door.

“Becker, sit down…you’ll do yourself no good if you worry like this. Jess is not going to die.”

Such certainty! She was so damned sure that Jess wasn’t going to die, but how could she tell? She didn’t know the future, she wasn’t from it.

“Captain Becker! Sit down!” she barked.

He slumped down to the floor beside Jess, thinking he did it not because of Lady Merchant’s command, but because he wanted to. He snarled at her, making sure Emily knew just what he thought of her bossing nags, but when he gazed down upon Jess, the anger was replaced with a painful worry and intense anguish for the young twenty-year-old. She had become so pale… she didn’t even look to be breathing.

“She’s…is she breathing?” he asked, his voice breaking as every word was difficult to speak.

“She is. Everything will be all right.” Emily assured him with a half warm smile. “Matt and Connor will do what they have to and the lockdown will be released. Jess will be fine.”

“They might not find a way at all, Emily. Philip is the one who can end this, he has to release the doors now! We have to get out of here and get Jess to a hospital!

“Yes, I know that! But we can’t let those creatures get out either! Matt will work it out!”

“I won’t let her die.” Becker shook his head. “Not because of a stupid reaction to a bug bite.”

“She won’t die.”

“She will if we don’t do something! I… I have to do something.”

Becker scooped up Jess’ hand and clenched it tightly in his. He held it up to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. No one was going to die because of him, Becker had sworn this. He had failed Sarah and now he swore again and again against Jess’ hand that he wasn’t going to fail her.

“I don’t need to calm down!” Becker gave her a menacing glare and then rose to his feet. “This is Jess’ life on the line and I won’t let her die! I won’t let anyone die on my watch! No one! Not Jess, Abby, Connor and yes, not even you! But of course I can’t protect anyone if certain people don’t follow my orders!”

“Oh! So you’re going to be like this, are you?” Emily shook her head in annoyance. “I stayed because, with those things on the loose, you and Matt needed all the help you could get, but most of all, you were wrong!”

Of course he was. He knew that now. He was wrong and Emily—whoop de-de!—was right. Becker knew he was being petty with his attitude towards Emily and Jess wasn’t going to benefit from his behaviour. He had to do what Emily said, calm down and wait patiently for Matt to come back. Though when it came to anything Matt Anderson, Becker wasn’t exactly patient either. This whole situation was making his emotions get the better of him.

As a soldier, patience was a necessity and Becker certainly kept his emotions in check when it came to dealing with the situations he was faced with. Dinosaurs and creatures this deadly meant you had to have to your wits about you, there was no room for things like emotions, they could get you killed.

Sarah.

Becker knew he was at his best when he was actively doing something, but pacing this stupid panic room doing nothing was making him extremely frustrated. He needed to focus on anything other than what he was feeling.

“Well, fine, but next time, when I give you an order to leave, you leave!” Becker pointed a finger at Emily and when he saw how his hand was shaking he clenched it into a fist and banged it against the wall. He stayed there, with his fist touching the wall and his back turned away from Emily. “Understand?”

“Next time, Captain, don’t imply that I’m non-essential!”

Shit.

Emily was far from non-essential. When he’d given that order Becker had wanted her far away from the ARC, but now after everything she had done and was still doing for Jess, Becker didn’t want to think about what could have happened if she had left.

He bowed his head and turned back to face her.

“I’m sorry. It was a poor choice of words on my part. I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t…. essential. You’re not. Not essential… I mean you are…. I… Emily! You know what I mean! ”

Emily appeared to accept his apology as she returned a grateful smile to him. Becker continued to pace, stopping briefly to look at his watch and the door in the hope that Abby might return with Rex. He hoped the others would turn up as well and end all this so Jess could get to a hospital.

Knowing that the others were all doing something did little to calm him down. So this time he did kick the door and it really hurt.

“Argh! Matt! Hurry up!”

He hadn’t planned to call out Matt’s name, nor had he intended it to sound the way it did, pained and desperate. The throbbing pain in his foot now made his mood even worse, but when he turned round it was the look in Emily’s eyes that made him nervous.

“Are you reading minds now or am I that bloody obvious?” Becker sank down onto a bench next to Emily and Jess and leaned on his knees in the vain hope it might settle the sickness riling in his stomach.

“Just a little bit…” Emily indicated a small measurement in the air with her thumb and forefinger. The weak smile upon her lips barely even showed, but Becker saw it and the regret in her eyes for even trying to tease him in this situation. “Becker… it’s all right.”

“Well it doesn’t feel all right.” He sat up straight and faced Emily, the anger building up inside of him focusing on her. “I feel far from all right! I’m anything but all right! Jess is dying, the ARC is being overrun by killer insects and my private life is apparently no longer private because I have it written all over my face along with the word ‘mug’ in huge capital fucking letters!”

“Becker… you are not a mug!” Emily snapped. “Stop beating yourself up and calm the bloody hell down! Focus!”

Instantly, his mouth clamped shut, but his mind didn’t stop going haywire. This day was getting worse as the minutes went by. As always Emily was right—damn it!—she was the only one who appeared to be keeping a level head in this situation.

That wasn’t on.

He got back up to his feet and walked to the shelves. There was quite a lot of crap piled up on them, so he began to search through it all just in case there was something that he could use for Jess. He had to think on anything except his own personal problems.

Becker found some discarded bubble wrap. The pop, pop, pop of the air bubbles between his fingers helped calm him, a little.

“We did talk.” Emily said after Becker had cleared most of the shelves and the bubble wrap. He dropped a box to the floor and turned round. “Briefly.”

“You mean you talked about me.”

“Yes… because you’re important to him.”

Becker laughed, though it was void of any humour.

“Me? I’m important to Matt? Did he even tell you what we do?” He shook his head. “No… he loves you, he and I just beat the crap out of each other. It’s clear by the way he looks at you that he loves you and now that you’re back, he won’t need me. I won’t get in the way. I’ll step aside and get on with my own life. That is if we survive this.”

“We will get through this, Becker and as for you stepping aside… that’s up to Matt to decide not you.”

Becker laughed once more. He snorted, highly amused that there was any decision for Matt to make. It would be Emily… it would always be her. A man would be an idiot to not choose a woman like her.

Their eyes locked and Becker suddenly began to calm down. He had stopped furiously upending the shelves and now sank down into a crouching position, clutching a small plastic ziplock bag in his hands. He nervously fumbled with the bag, though he was unable to stop staring at Emily.

“No. There’s no choice.” Becker sighed heavily. “It’s you.”

“Becker…”

“Don’t even try to tell me anything different. Matt is head over heels in love with you and why shouldn’t he be? You’re beautiful….”

Shit! Why did you say something like that? At a time like this?

Emily broke the stare, she bowed her head over Jess and continued to dab the damp cool cloth over her forehead. Becker could see that such a comment affected her… her pale face flushed but her jaw clenched tightly as if she was trying hard to keep herself from saying anything back.

It had been a stupid thing to say… but then of course Becker knew he was being nothing but stupid. He never cracked like this before.

Not since Sarah.

Becker felt the anger swell up again. His hands ripped at the zip on the bag, pulling it right off and he looked inside with a small hope that there was something in there for Jess. It was empty so he threw it aside with contempt.

“Where the hell are they?” he yelled.

Two hard knocks on the panic room door answered his question. Becker wasted no time in responding to those knocks and as soon as Connor and Matt ran in, Becker breathed just that little bit better.

His head stopped spinning when she opened her eyes. When she smiled up at him and as he felt her hand squeeze his, Becker felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders. He felt so much better, he was relieved and as he knelt there holding Jess’s hand, he then began to feel overwhelmed.

She was fine. Safe… alive. He hadn’t lost her.

Tears began to swell up in his eyes and he noticed Abby smiling… as if she knew something.

“I’m, um… I’m going to… I’m going to go and do some security stuff.” He released his hold on Jess’ hand and jerked a thumb over his shoulder before rushing out of the panic room as quickly as possible.

The mixture of emotions was now churning through him. Becker felt like a confused child as he went to the locker room, collapsed on the bench, leaned back and smashed his head against the metal door of a locker.

He didn’t like the fact that he had come so close to really snapping back there. He had shot the queen bug, despite the fact the others had told him not to and in doing so he’dcaused the rest of the swarm to scatter. He had acted on impulse because Jess had been attacked and he could have caused a lot more damage. He had made a stupid mistake because he’d reacted before thinking.

“She’s asking after you.”

Becker jolted against the locker and turned to the door to see Emily standing there. She obviously didn’t care that it was the men’s locker room.

“Jess.”

“She wants to thank you, for saving her life.”

Becker shook his head. He wasn’t ready to go back and face Jess yet. Besides, she would still be recovering in the medical bay. The medical bay…. the poorly stocked medical bay.

He rose sharply to his feet, fists and jaw clenched as what he was going to say to the medical personnel flashed in his mind. For not having their stores sufficiently stocked, they were going to get a damned earful from him.

Becker was blocked by Emily in the doorway, and she refused to budge, even when he grabbed her arm.

“Becker…” Her palm pressed against his chest and she waited until his anger lessened. “Go to Jess… talk to her! It will help you both come to terms with….”

Her words stopped in midsentence as Becker dropped his head closer to hers. Emily was not shocked by the anguish and rage in his eyes nor did she step back or recoil.

“We both know what we can’t have, Emily. Jess and I don’t need to talk. Not now.”

“You may not need or want to. You might not even be able to… but do you think that Jess might? Or even Matt?”

Becker couldn’t control what he did next. His body suddenly pushed Emily up against the doorframe and she gasped when Becker leant in close. She was startled with such close contact from him, it frightened her. Emily tensed and stopped Becker from getting any closer by placing both of her hands on his chest. He noticed that she wasn’t pushing him away.

“What would Matt want to tell me that I don’t already know?” Becker asked, covering her hands with his. He felt her trembling so he squeezed a little tighter. “He’s already made his choice.”

“Really? You’re that certain it’s not you?”

“Yes.”

“Then speak to Jess. Now.”

Becker let go and backed away from her. He understood her ‘order’ clearly. If he was so set upon not being disappointed by Matt, he shouldn’t do the same for Jess. He really didn’t want to… call it fear or more guilt… but he owed it to her. Becker gave Emily a brief and curt nod and headed off down the corridor at a quickly-paced march.

“Captain!” Emily’s voice carried down the corridor and stopped him in his tracks. Becker didn’t turn round this time. “Matt might surprise both of us. I don’t think he has decided but when he does, it might not be what you so obviously think.”