844 days, 20,256 hours, 1,215,360 minutes, or 72,921,600 seconds. That is the approximate duration of my world tour. I never wanted it to end and now, in a manner of speaking, I suppose it never has to. If you wish to go by country do so by clicking on one above. They are numbered in the order I visited them, more or less. If you enjoy reading about it even a tenth as much as I enjoyed living it then you will not have wasted your time. Grab a refreshing beverage, settle in a comfortable chair, and make a journey across the world, experiencing it as I did. Then get off your ass and check it out for yourself. You're not getting any younger.

Flashback - Gorillas In My Midst (Uganda & DR Congo)

April
6th, 2010- So I've been sitting in Thamel, Kathmandu
attempting to steer my fate. My whimsical nature and complete lack of
foresight inevitably leads to geographic stagnation. I've been
wandering these streets for about three weeks. That is absurd.
Absolutely absurd. What the hell have I been doing? Besides updating
my blog and sorting through a poop ton of photos? Not a whole lot.
Catching up on my pirated DVDs and surfing the net in hopes of
ascertaining a clue.

What
to do? Where to go? If you asked me a couple of days ago where I was
headed I would have said Mongolia but prohibitive transportation
costs have given me pause. It is still high on my hit list but I
think the land of yurts can wait a bit longer. It's not going
anywhere. Instead I fly in the opposite direction. First to Dubai and
then onto, you guessed it, Azerbaijan. How many times in your life
have you been sitting somewhere bored out of your skull thinking I'd
rather be in Azerbaijan. Too many to count I am sure. Why
Azerbaijan? Why not? Although thinking ahead is not my strong point I
am tentatively considering putting Armenia, Georgia, and Tajikistan
on my itinerary. That could change in the blink of an eye.

I
had originally decided to zip through Dubaion
my way to Azerbaijan but figured I should have at least have a gander
at the world's tallest building (the Burj Khalifa, whose observation
deck on the 127th floor
just reopened) and take a peek around the city. Big cities are
not really my thing especially ones that include ostentatious
displays of wealth like the Burj
Arab(possibly
the world's most obnoxious hotel), the Rose
Tower(the
world's tallest hotel), the Dubai
Mall(world's
largest), and the Burj
Khalifa (the
aforementioned world's tallest man-made structure). But then again
this is all an experience in and of itself so what the hell. And
there are no taxes so I may just purchase a camera lens or two.
Depends on how naughty I feel.

I
will be entering a brave new world, the world of Dianetics.
No wait, that's next week. Actually my brave new world will be the
world ofCouchsurfing.com.
Couch surfing is the ideal way to meet people and save some coin at
the same time. People sign up on their website to either host a
wayward traveler or to locate a couch (does not literally mean you
will be on a couch, just that someone has some space to spare for a
few nights) to squat on for a spell. I had read about this a couple
of years ago but for some reason it did not occur to me to give it a
shot until now. The idea is to bring like-minded people together to
share experiences. It is definitely a bonus for those who know no one
in a particular city and would like to get the inside track. And
those that benefit from the hospitality of a stranger are likely to
reciprocate in the future. I like the idea and would be willing to
offer my couch sometime assuming of course I actually own one. Or if
I own any furniture at all. Or a house. Maybe a car. Having a job
might be an idea. Ooooh, let's not pick at that scab.

My
Dubai 'couch' is owned by a gentleman named Mustafa who is
kind enough to offer me refuge for three nights. The website sight
does provide some measure of 'verification' and references from
people that have stayed with a particular host previously so I am
pretty sure Mustafa is not a homicidal maniac. Numerous
correspondences between us have underscored this assumption. But just
in case I've purchased Kung
Fu for Dummies.

Although
Dubai is one of the more 'liberal' emirates you still have to use
caution. Decency laws can be a bit strict. Just ask the couple from
the UK that received a one month prison sentence for kissingin
a restaurant. Fortunately for me I seem to be repelling members of
the opposite sex with raw efficiency of late so I should be set.

Before
I leave Nepal I am going to inject myself with a healthy dose of
adrenaline in the form of a bungy jump and canyon swing courtesy of
the Last
Resort.
It is a little pricey but I'm worth it. Think of it as my reward for
completing the Three Passes Trek. Technically, I've been rewarding
myself for over a year but let's not go there.

**********************************************

I've
decided to go retro a bit. In October of 2006 I visited the Pearl of
Africa (Uganda to the lay person) for a few weeks. I had three
reasons for doing so: 1) mountain gorillas; 2) mountain gorillas; and
3) mountain gorillas. I managed to fit in a few other activities
while I was there but King Kong was my goal. Due to my schedule (back
then I actually worked for a living) I was compelled to engage in an
activity I loathe: planning. A flurry of e-mails and wire transfers
were required to ensure a rewarding gorilla experience.

When
I arrived in Kampala (the capital) I hired a car with a driver (I'm
that important) and headed to western Uganda. I was not keeping a
journal at the time but I seem to remember frequent vehicle
breakdowns along the way. When it came time to enter the impenetrable
forest (Bwindi
Impenetrable Forestto
be precise) I never had the chance to penetrate. The gorillas were
hopping along the hillside (as in cleared forest a la slash and
burn). They are fond of invading banana groves much to the chagrin of
local farmers. So a 2-4 hour treacherous jaunt through an unforgiving
jungle turned into an hour and a half stroll through the Ugandan
countryside. This was just as well because two people in my group of
seven looked like they were on the verge of collapse after a half
hour. As a whole the experience was decent but rather disappointing.

Luckily,
there was a gentleman peddling gorilla viewing tours at my guesthouse
(The Traveller's
Rest, Diane
Fossey'sold
hang out). The only catch was that his gorillas were across the
border in the Democratic Republic of Congo (formerly Zaire). This
title is accurate if you replace 'democratic' with 'anarchic'.
However, it was clear that I would have my own private gorilla
viewing. Prudence be damned.

My
driver brought me to the border where I was met by my Congolese tour
guide and ushered through immigration. On the other side I sat in his
Jambo Tours office (I've forgotten his name) while he gave me the
'don't get too close to the gorillas because you might transfer
disease or get hurt' speech after which I was put into an SUV with
his people whom I'd never met. Excellent.

If you
think Uganda is poor then you should cross the border. What I saw of
the DR Congo (admittedly very little) made Uganda look like Dubai.
Abject poverty on an unimaginable scale with a road system to match.
It took us almost two hours to drive around 12 miles. When we arrived
at the ranger 'station' (bamboo hut with grass roof) I was greeted by
about twenty people whose function I never did determine. There was
some discussion about my video camera culminating in me coughing up
another $25 US. As I was alone and without my AK-47 (as opposed to my
new friends) I acquiesced without a word.

After
a time we were off, 'we' as in two rangers carrying AKs and my guide
(no one spoke English, only their tribal dialect and French). I was
told that the weapons were in case we encountered elephants. Uh-huh.
I am sure it had nothing to do with the other species of guerrilla.
After two hours of hiking through the jungle we found our target, a
group of gorillas presided over by a single silverback.

Two
words: F***ing. Amazing. Just me, the guide, and a group of gentle
giants. This group was habituated so they paid us little mind, except
for the youngins that is. Baby gorillas are exceedingly curious and
if not shooed away by my guide would have no doubt latched on to me.
It would be nothing to pick one up as they almost seemed to beg for
me to do so. Not sure how mommy and daddy would have reacted to that.
Tearing off both of my arms was not completely out of the realm of
possibility but then again this group was so incredibly calm I have a
hard time believing they would become violent.

Even
with groups not habituated to humans (are there any left?) the ruckus
that some young males stir up is only for show and conducted in order
to let you know who is in charge. As long as you avoid direct eye
contact and aggressive behavior you will not be harmed. Try to run
away and they might pursue and bite you in the ass….literally. To
be honest this is something I would have like to have seen (the
yelping and pounding of the chest, not the ass-biting) but this group
was used to a human presence.

So
I just stood there gaping in awe. Look into their eyes and you see an
equal, a sentience that is almost haunting. There is a person behind
those eyes. At one point two young males wrestling on a pile of brush
tumbled off the heap and almost took out my legs. I simultaneously
grabbed my guide's arm and shrieked like a little girl. Later on I
was almost close enough to the silverback to hump him. I refrained.

Looking
back I realize that we lingered longer than the prescribed time and
were closer than we should have been, not for our safety but for
theirs. Mountain gorillas lack natural immunity to some human
illness, the transfer of which could have negative consequences for a
group. In a way being able to get that close is a tragedy in itself
as not all human encroachment is peaceful in nature (see 60
Minutes, CNN,
and National
Geographic.
Keep in mind that these incidents occurred in the region I visited).
In addition, civil unrest and instability makes it very difficult to
protect these magnificent creatures in places like the DR Congo.
Unfortunately, the gorillas do not recognize the sovereignty of
nations. They go where they please. The ambivalence that plagued me
after my encounter is still with me to this day because I know that
the gorillas would be much better off never seeing another human
being. The same reason for not wanting to habituate grizzly bears to
humans applies to gorillas. The less contact the better.

Other
stops along my Ugandan journey included Mga
Hinga National Park, Murchison
Falls National Park, Jinja (for
some rafting and kayaking), the Ssese
Islands,
and Kampala. At one point along the way, in a desperate state of
bladder overflow, I attempted to piss in my Nalgene bottle while
sitting on a bus. Technical difficulties prohibited success
(try shoving your junk into a bottle while sitting. I dare you) and
was forced to run off the bus and leave all of my belongings behind.
No one touched my bag.

I
waited for hours on the shore of Lake Victoria for a boat to the
Ssese Islands that probably never did leave. Upon hiring my own boat
and arriving after nightfall at one of the islands I had the pleasure
of walking through a small village full of drunk fisherman with not
so much as a flashlight on my way to a hotel. That wasn't
intimidating at all. While in Murchison Falls National Park I came
out of the shower to see a hippo trotting along through the
encampment like he owned the place. This could be a problem as hippos
are responsible for more human deaths than any other animal. That did
not stop a few of us from approaching and snapping a pic or two. Mr.
Hippo was eating grass right by my tent, the least he could do for
putting me out was pose for a photograph. Idiot (me, not the hippo).

To
be honest the pictures and, especially the video, are not terribly
impressive. I was packing light and had only a small compact point-and-shoot along with a shitty video camera. The video is a tad dull but there are those that might find some
of it mildly interesting.....or not

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'Now as I look around, it's mighty plain to see, this world is such a great and a funny place to be....' No job. No house. No car. No clue. Me in a nutshell. Might as well hit the road, right? So far: Indonesia, Singapore, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, Vietnam, Nepal, Bangladesh, United Arab Emirates, Azerbaijan, Georgia, Abkhazia, Denmark, Germany, Czech Republic, Tunisia, Morocco, Western Sahara. Mauritania, Mali, South Africa, Namibia, Botswana, Turkey. USA. Next: ???

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