A blog about internal insights that are mostly improv related.

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Modernized Edwardian Marriage

I feel like I am trapped in a modernized Edwardian marriage. I made some amazing insights while writing my musical. It’s like modern Christians have mindsets trapped in the Edwardian era that they just can’t seem to break free from.

The Edwardian era represented a strong shift in thought. This was somewhat due to Darwin, but it also had to deal with a rebellion against an era known as the “dirty 90’s”.

Then the first world war happened. This only caused people to shift further in this direction. It’s the idea that men have no control over their own actions, and only a strong moral woman can save them from themselves. Then another world war happened, one that was much worse. Then we just kind of kept having wars, until today.

This idea that men have no control over their actions is in stark contrast to the Enlightenment movement. According to the Enlightenment movement men are in control of themselves. They are sentient beings completely fully capable of making their own decisions. They are the ones in charge of households. The blame was always placed on men, and women were considered the weaker sex.

In today’s world the blame is always placed on women. It doesn’t matter what it happens to be or how apparent where the real blame lies. The blame is always placed on women. However, at the same time women need to be submissive to a man who apparently has no control over his own actions. That’s crazy. This system only works when society places blame on men, not women. Otherwise, the system completely falls apart. If women are going to take the blame, then they need to be the actual head of the household so they have control. To be blamed when you have no control is stressful.

I feel like I have been sheltered from the ways of the world for a long time. That seems a bit strange, because while growing up the blame was always placed on mothers. Daughters have a strange way of separating themselves from their mothers until they become mothers themselves, and then they awaken. They finally realize what it is like to be a woman in the modern world. It’s not fun.

Some women are cut out for this kind of stress. I am not unfortunately, and neither was my mother. She broke down, and fell very low. She simply just gave up.

That puts me in a worse situation unfortunately, because I live in her shadow. The stress placed on my shoulders to conform is twice of what was placed on her’s, because I am always reminded of what became of her. Now that I am in her situation, I kind of empathize with her. I understand what happened and why it happened. I understand that if action is not taken soon, that the same thing will happen to me.

I am trying so hard to prevent that from happening. In fact, it’s forced me to become really creative about it. That’s why I am writing musicals. It seems that this is the only platform where I am allowed to express how I really feel. Why musicals? I know, it seems a bit strange that I feel the need to write an entire Broadway musical to express my feelings.

That’s what it is truly like being a woman in today’s world. You can’t really be direct, because at the end of the day you love your husband. It’s really not about a lack of love. You only want to fix the problem, and the problem is the world. You just want all of them to get off your back, because if they did then fixing your problems would be much easier. It’s a lot easier to fix a problem if you can be open about what the problem actually is.

Prior to being in this situation I wrote songs, blogs, and slam poetry. I was allowed to be as direct as I wanted to be. Stress has forced me to become really creative. If you dare say anything bad about your life, then things will get much worse than they already are. Women are trapped. They are really trapped. I wasn’t trapped as a young women venting about her childhood, but I am very much trapped living as a wife.

What happens is that you keep reaching out, and the world keeps shutting you down. No help is available, and trying to reach out just makes things so much worse. This happens so much that your grace is destroyed. A marriage consists of two people, and if one person isn’t doing their part there is an issue here. Why should he do his part? He’s never been held accountable for anything he has ever done. He never will be. Eventually, you just kind of give up. Then you sink, like an anchor without a rope attached. Then instead of saving you, the world blames you for sinking. You sunk. Your family is falling a part. It’s all your fault. It’s your fault for sinking. I was asking for a life raft, where were you then?

Is this a sign of me giving up right now? Just choosing to write musicals all day? I kind of feel like it is my only way out. I keep trying to get through to him. My “giving up” like this is the only thing that’s gotten through to him. It’s really the only thing that makes him want to try, but he’s not trying hard enough. He finally realizes that if he wants to stay married to someone so much like him, then changes need to be made. He is trying really hard to get his CDL. The main problem is that his job really stresses him out. That’s why he’s failing to do his job at home. He needs a job with less stress.

If my husband needs a strong willed woman to keep him in line and make him realize he does indeed have a job at home that’s important too, then I have to let him go so he can find someone like that. I am strong willed, but not like this. I am strong willed in a much different way. I am the kind of person who is not scared to take chances or follow her dreams. Without goals or direction in life, I am literally nothing. The kind of woman you need to be to live this kind of life is to be the kind of woman who can survive without any real life goals. Your only goal in life should be to constantly save your man from himself. Only a woman like that can live a life like this. I need a man who is able to take care of himself on his own without being constantly nagged at. If my husband doesn’t want to be married to someone who is a nag, then he really needs to change. He can’t stayed married to someone so much like him at the soul level, because I keep getting blamed for his failures and I am sinking. Stress gets to me too. If he won’t save me from drowning, then who will? No one. I will just drown, and society will blame me for drowning. This is the life of a woman in America. It doesn’t even matter if you are college educated. It’s probably for the better if you are not, because then you can be happier living this way.

There is a lot of pressure on women to conform and become that kind of woman. It’s not just today, I remember it while growing up. I never realized the amount of hatred that can be bestowed on a women that is unwilling or simply unable to conform. It is pure hatred.

That’s especially true if I am living their “dream life”. I suppose this is the kind of life that would be the dream of many women, but it’s not my dream. “Oh I wish I could just sit on my ass all day and do nothing.” Really? You wish that? You might want to go get your head checked. I think you have a psychological problem. No one except someone who is severely depressed wishes that she can sit on her ass all day and do “nothing”. That’s not my dream. It’s never been my dream. If that’s your dream, then go fuck yourself. It’s people like you that keep wives locked in chains. No one in her right mind wants to sit on her ass all day and do “nothing”. Not unless they are severely depressed. In our society, instead of handing depressed women a life raft we become jealous of them. Twisted. Twisted indeed.

Yesterday was my husband’s first wife’s birthday. He did not go to her grave site. He didn’t even acknowledge this day on her Facebook page. I didn’t either, but that’s more due to the fact I am angry that people want me to literally become her. It has nothing to do with her at all, it has everything to do with them. Now people are going to get pissed of at me because I didn’t nag at him to do these things. Really? Really? That’s really NOT my job. If that’s the case, Kevin just needs a new wife. I’m gone. BYE!

Since I have already emotionally divorced him, I don’t consider this to be my job anymore. I am not actually divorced, just emotionally divorced. We have been emotionally divorced since Christmas. I am kind to him. I am still offer him lots of encouragement. I just no longer consider myself to be married to him. I quit that job three months ago.

If people have an issue with it I will simply say “I emotionally divorced Kevin three months ago so that’s no longer my job anymore. As far as I am concerned, we are no longer married. I am not Mrs. Albert. Go find someone new to blame.”

I did not forget to wish Laura a “happy birthday” on her Facebook. And I also didn’t forget to wish Kevin “Happy Valentine’s Day” on Facebook. I didn’t forget to get him a present, but I got him some chocolates that day. He actually remembered, without nagging. A miracle! And I am not going to “Forget” about wishing Kevin a happy birthday on FB. I know it’s his birthday. It’s not that I forgot. I didn’t forget. I will wish everyone else a happy birthday in the world on FB, except Kevin and Laura.

He also didn’t pay the storage unit, and everything of Laura’s is in there. I reminded him to do that, and he lied to me and said that he did. Then I got a delinquency notice in my e-mail. So even if you do nag at them, they can and do lie. You still get blamed. I don’t know why he would lie about paying the storage unit bill, or even what purpose this action serves. Is it his goal to have all his things that he deems important enough to store either be thrown away or go up for auction? It’s not even logical!

When someone lies like that, it stings. Like they stabbed you with a big needle. It depressed me so much, that I literally spent the entire day in bed. It was Saturday, my day off. He can take care of Joren. Lying to me is really not cool, and if he is going to lie like that again I have the power to make him very miserable. Very miserable indeed.