Be Your Own Damn Valentine

Valentine’s Day is the ultimate worst. Although the idea of dedicating an entire day to commemorate love sounds great, the entire holiday revolves around the exchange of objects and grandiose gestures just to prove something to someone and possibly get laid. I know human beings like rituals and traditions and the concept of gifting is as old as time, but like seriously what have we gotten ourselves into? How many stuffed animals from a pharmacy does a person need? Why buy chocolate before Valentine’s when you can get it for 75% off the next day? Why go on a group date with every other couple in America? It’s not fun to wait 2 hours for a table at a restaurant, and it is NOT fun to work that day to serve you, either. Also, wasn’t it just Christmas like two months ago? How many gifts does it take to prove your love to someone? I do hope that some day I’ll find an answer to these questions.

This article is not for people in relationships. If you’re one of those people stop reading right now. Continue only if you’re single. Are you still here? Good. That means we’re still on the same page. We don’t want people in relationships knowing that we think their Valentine’s Day Instagrams, tweets and status updates are mega lame. Seriously. Do they not know how annoying they are? I can’t even get on the internet. I’m not just saying this because I’m single now. I’ve just never been a fan of posting all about my relationships online, but I digress…

If you’re single and you know it, and you don’t really want to show it, here’s a few things you could do this V-Day to stop you from murdering every loving couple you encounter:

Have Like a Really Nice Breakfast

Remember that this is the most important meal of the day. You need to get all your protein and minerals before the weekend can officially begin. Make yourself a quiche, or an omelet. Try a new flavor of pro-gay Greek yogurt. Go out and buy something if you’re lazy like me. Fancy juices and breakfast tacos are my favorite.

Get Like a Really Good Workout

Seriously. You need to feel sexy during this pseudo holiday. And what better way to feel sexy than by pumping some endorphins at the gym! It’ll probably be really empty because everyone else is either too busy being cheesy and annoying or eating their weight in bulk candy from the grocery store.

Avoid All Forms of Media

Social Media will be flooded with romantic updates, pictures of gifts, dinner tables, couples smiling, kissing, holding hands, looking at the sunset, and recreating cliché poses and scenarios just to get more likes. Old media will be busy running old rom coms and Valentine’s Day specials of every show. Ugh they’re so damn predictable.

Treat Yo’ Self

If there’s anything you’ve been wanting to get for yourself but haven’t because you’re the best at self-sabotage, today is the day to do it. Go get beautified, go shopping, go cruising… whatever feeds your spirit srsly just go do it. You have my permission. Besides, you probably saved a bunch of money by not having a valentine, so go out and invest in your own happiness.

GET SLOSHED

It’s Friday and hopefully you have no reason to be up early the next day. Send a snapchat to all your single friends and have a #girlsnightout, a #boysnightout, a bizarre celebration, a karaoke sesh, a smoking sesh, a gossip sesh, a movie night, exfoliation night (re: previous point). You don’t even have to go out. Get drunk at home and be in charge of your own playlist. There will be no annoying couples there to remind you that…

Valentine’s Day is just like any other damn day. Why do you have to wait until this very moment to show your affection towards someone? A lot of relationships end and start this day because people are so desperate to make their relationships meaningful and movie-like. I bet you there’s a ton of people out there who buy senseless gifts and plan these outrageous dates just because they kinda know they ‘have to,’ and not because they really ‘want to.’ Besides, the real winners here are all the flower companies, bakeries and chocolatiers. I’m sure they love how you express your love.

I dare you not to spend the entire day loathing yourself and wallowing in your eternal loneliness. Get up and remind the world who is boss! Mama don’t need no man. Mama don’t need nobody on Valentine’s Day, or any day, to feel special.