Happy Fridayyy. So let’s get into this conversation real quick. I’ve had this topic on my brain for quite some time and things I come across just kept influencing me more and more to write about it. Let’s start with this question.

Now that we got that out of the way we can move on and at this point we know we’re talking about relationships and digging into men being providers and financially responsible within intimate relationships and partnerships. I’m well aware that everyone has their own opinion and it all comes down to what works for those involved in the relationship. What bothers me is that people act like there’s one set answer and that it has to apply to everyone so then it turns into “you’re stupid for doing this” and “oh, I would NEVER” you know, everything turns into a debate and everyone wants to be right. Let’s not. Let’s stop that right here and right now. This is a no judgment zone, always has been, always will be. What works for you in your personal life works for you and doesn’t mean it’s the best option or an option that everyone wishes to apply to their life.

We live in a time where a lot of people are straying away from marriage and kids until they are established individually or just don’t wish to have that lifestyle. It’s always been beat into our heads from history, books, people, television, that the ideal life is going to school, and finding a man or woman to settle down with and have the perfect family. For women, we’ve always been taught how to do things that will benefit a man, “you’ll never find or keep a good man if you don’t know how to cook“, “men love a woman that can cook and clean” we’re supposed to cook, clean, take care of the house, and take care of the kids even if we’re working as well. Just like men are brought up to be strong providers that take care of their families financially.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that but nothing I teach my daughter if I should ever be blessed with one, will be to solely benefit a man but trust and believe a man or whoever she chooses to be with will benefit from how she is raised. I can’t cheat her out of life by having her believe her only purpose is to pop out babies and be a wife. She also won’t have the “men are only good for money and taking care of me” mentality. A woman who associates with or marries a man chiefly for material gain is what? A gold digger. Guys also look for women to take care of them and provide for them and when that happens we call it being “used”. Everything my children will be taught will be to benefit them and help them become self-sufficient and a individual who knows how to go out and get their own. I’m not raising my children to only be a partner but if they choose to grow up and use what they’re taught to be a bomb ass husband or wife then I’m all for it. I’d like to be married with a big beautiful family too, I believe everyone is deserving of love and a life they choose and want to live, key words, “choose and want”. But I won’t have my kids brought up thinking their only purpose is to be of service to someone else in terms of intimate relationships, but instead that it’s one of several options and routes to take. Love, but love without expectations.

Naturally as women, well for some, because I can’t speak for all. We want to be spoiled or taken care of in some ways and it’s not always financial. I like to be spoiled with time, affection, and attention, things of that nature. We all have things we’d like to take place inside of relationships, deal breakers, and turn offs.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to dedicate your life to your family or partner. Men and women are allowed to be hard working, independent, and parents who still chase their dreams. As a man, having a woman who chooses to work or have her own doesn’t negate the fact that you are providing nor does it take away from being a man. Some people just like having their own and it’s not about going into a relationship and having the mindset that you have to have your own in case things fail; Some people have goals and dreams that involve working and having their own businesses, etc.. While some just want to be taken care of, that’s it and that’s all. They don’t want to work, they want to kick their feet up and allow their partner to bring in all the money and that’s fine, we all have preferences. Do women deserve to kick their feet up and be taken care of? Hell yes! We bear children and get back to business amongst nurturing these children, caring for these children, caring for the household, etc. and some women have to work because they don’t have the luxury of staying at home. Some don’t do anything at all and want to be taken care of but that’s none of my business, I said this was a no judgment zone and I meant it. There’s a huge difference between looking for a partner and then looking for a mother or father figure but that’s another topic just like gold-digging is.

I don’t want anyone treating my son like a bank because “that’s what he’s supposed to do.” Unless there are children involved he isn’t obligated to do a damn thing unless he chooses to do so. A gentleman will do for the one he likes or loves, it’s always been that way. People do because they want to, if a man takes you out on a date and pays it’s because he’s willing and able. Sometimes decisions people make has nothing to do with how they were raised, it comes down to their current predicament, situation, and choice. We put a lot of pressure on each other in relationships by coming in with expectations of what each other is supposed to be doing because of their gender. Now a days roles can be swapped, men can be stay at home dads, work from home, or seek a partnership where the roles are equal and he doesn’t have to provide all by himself.

I don’t go into relationships with the expectation that my partner is going to buy me this, or buy me that, pay my bills, or get my hair and nails done. That’s just it, that’s the whole basis of this post, I don’t expect anything because people aren’t obligated, it’s just that simple. I wouldn’t feel right going into a situation or marriage like “yeah soo, you know you have to take care of me right.” No one is obligated to take care of me but myself but don’t get me a wrong, if my partner offered to buy me a house, a car, etc. and said sit back and let me take care of you then shit, that’s a man I’d be glad to be married to lol. That still wouldn’t stop me from having my own business, or going to school, or chasing my dreams even with children because I still want my own even while having a family and man/husband that chooses to provide for me. I like the sound of “power couple” let’s make money together and leave legacies for our children. Just because someone provides for me doesn’t mean I lose the ambition to provide for myself. These things make me appreciative when I do receive because to me it’s “you didn’t have to, but you chose to.” If I lived with my partner and we chose to go half on rent and living essentials, cool, that’s fine by me, that’s a relationship where we’re both pulling our weight. There’s a lot of backlash and debate on that too, of course we have women who would never live under those circumstances and we have men who would never allow their women to contribute to a bill. What we have to take into consideration again is that 1) we all have preferences, wants, opinions, and rules on what we will and won’t tolerate when it comes to relationships and partnerships, 2) everyone’s circumstances are different.

It’s a decision that has to made together on what the relationship will look like from all angles. Its important to ask questions and know what your partner wants out of life. And as I said, it depends on the relationship. If a man is wealthy, it shouldn’t be a problem to provide for his woman but that doesn’t mean he has to. If he happened to be struggling and bringing in a income let’s say close to what the woman may be bringing in, then it’s unreasonable to expect him to take care of everything. I came across this which resonated with what I’ve been saying,

Someone said to me that men are providers, and feel much more happy and in control when they are able to provide for the people in their lives without having to ask the woman to contribute. But doesn’t it also depend on the relationship being shared by both parties? If both people are in a partnership built on a solid foundation of friendship and equality, then naturally most responsibilities will be shared fairly depending on income bracket. in this part of the world though, that seems far fetched, as most relationships are still very traditional, with the woman expected to be submissive to the man, the man is in control…

I like having my life in manual mode so if I need to shift a gear or two I can without asking for permission.The only place I like my man to take control is in the bedroom and business meetings. Just kidding, (a little) but I like to make decisions together if we’re together, I need to be able to move when I want and not have to depend on someone else for it. You know Beyonce and Jay Z money mood. You have yours, I have mine, let’s make it ours. I think I’ve made it clear that I like to have my own but just because you have your own doesn’t mean you don’t like or wish to have help in certain areas of your life, I’m not that damn stubborn. What I’ve learned even in my independent mindset is that it’s okay to accept help if someone is offering. It’s okay to allow yourself to depend on people sometimes depending on the situation.

Overall, It’s okay to share responsibilities, it’s okay to have someone providing for you if that’s what you allow. It’s okay to be a housewife or stay at home mom. A woman who’s a good woman will do right and do what’s right just as a man will. Never let anyone make you feel bad for the life you choose to live and the preferences/standards you have. What you and your partner feel comfortable with is all that matters!!

What’s New?
Aside from the latest blog post that are waiting to be read, I have published my third book! If you’ve kept up with the blog then you’ve probably read the snippets. The Key To My Brother’s Heart – Kennedy’s Reign is now available in electronic and paperback editions. It’s available electronically on Barnes & Noble and Amazon Kindle as well as paperback on Amazon. All 3 of my books and $elf products and apparel are available on my website findingyourself.bigcartel.comFor easier access, simply click “Shop” on the blog’s homepage.

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Thanks for reading, Be Blessed & Stay Humble. As always Choose You Always!

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If given the chance, everyone has a story to tell. My name is Breyana I'jae, I am a 23 year old Temple University Psychology graduate, blogger, visionary, artist, creator, self published author, mama to be, jack of all trades, and lover of many things.
When I first started this blog in 2013 my goal was to share My Story in hopes of inspiring someone else, I didn't know where it would go, how people would perceive it or what to really do, I just know I lived by the motto, Uplift, Empower, & Inspire. While those goals still remain my blog will now be a place to promote self-love and self-care but that's not all. Come take a look to see what it offers.