Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

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On being a kinky bastard.

I never have sex with my girlfriend because the things I want to do in bed are things that would make her break up with me. I don’t think she’s into Sasha Grey type porn, and I don’t want the police called on me for trying to find out.

Um, did you ever consider sitting down with your girlfriend and, you know… talking to her?

Use your words, big guy. Don’t assume that she’s not into Sasha Grey type porn, but then again don’t start spitting in her mouth and throwing lit matches on her without a little pre-game pow-wow.

Give her a heads up, get her permission, and pick a safe word.

If she’s not down, at least your break-up won’t involve law enforcement.