William Shakespeare peered across the room. A sad-looking dark-haired girl sat at a table on her own. After scrutinising her arse for a few seconds, Shakespeare decided he should go over to see what was wrong.
"You all right?" he enquired.
"Ahh, ...

"Well of course you're losing," said Sophie Ellis-Bextor. "Why do you insist on wearing those clownish clothes even when you're doing sport?"
"There's nothing clownish about them," spat William Shakespeare, turning to pick up the volleyball once again.
"You've got no freedom ...

"Just a coffee please, Neil," said Sophie Ellis-Bextor.
Neil Codling from Suede placed the order in perfect French then smiled at Ellis-Bextor.
"You seem to speak the language very well," she said.
"Yes, I lived here for a year or two," said ...

“Don’t you dare ask for chips or so-help-me-God, I will slap you,” said Sophie Ellis-Bextor.
“People usually need more than his help if they slap me,” joked William Shakespeare.
Sophie Ellis-Bextor looked unnerved.
“I’m joking,” confirmed Shakespeare. “If I were ever going to beat you, I’d have done it after Music Gets The Best Of Me, wouldn’t I? Hmm?”
Ellis-Bextor seemed slightly reassured by this.
“Such a shit song,” said the bard, mostly to himself.
The pair stood outside the Fat Duck, plucking up the courage...

William Shakespeare shifted uncomfortably on his sun lounger. Christ it was hot here on Bora Bora. He could feel his hose sticking to him and sweat was collecting in his codpiece. Even his summer ruff wasn’t making a difference. He’d have to retreat to the shade.
He stood up and grabbed the back of his sun lounger. As he dragged it towards the palm trees lining the beach, he noticed a striking dark-haired girl reclining on her own lounger roughly where he was heading. Shakespeare stared at her thighs for a moment and concluded that she wouldn’t mind company. However, upon drawing...

William Shakespeare peered across the room. A sad-looking dark-haired girl sat at a table on her own. After scrutinising her arse for a few seconds, Shakespeare decided he should go over to see what was wrong.
“You all right?” he enquired.
“Ahh, I’m having a bad week,” said Kim Kardashian.
“It’s not a man, is it?” said Shakespeare.
“Yeah, it’s my marriage. I filed for divorce yesterday.”
Shakespeare felt it would be okay to put his hand on her shoulder at this point. “Oh no,” he said. “That’s terrible. But...

“My legs ache, but I’m really glad we did that,” said Sophie Ellis-Bextor.
“If Ben Nevis thought it could get the better of William Shakespeare, it knows better now,” said Shakespeare.
Ellis-Bextor laughed and shoved him gently. “Sophie Ellis-Bextor conquered it as well, you know.”
“You didn’t teach it a lesson like I did though, did you?”
“No,” said Ellis-Bextor, suddenly serious. I don’t know why you did that really.
“I want that fucking mountain to remember me,” said Shakespeare.
“I think it will,”...