Rumors are circulating that if Microsoft loses its appeal against breaking up, it will relocate its headquarters to Canada. So here’s a look at –BS WAYS THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT IF MICROSOFT MOVES TO CANADA:• Instead of ‘Windows’ freezing all the time, they just frost over.
• Opening screen says ‘Fenetres Deux Milles’.
• Screensaver is a Zamboni constantly circling.
• Power Point renamed ‘Don’t Point’ because ‘power’ is just too aggressive, and pointing isn’t polite.
• Optional new car block heater plug-n-play interface.
• When you power up your PC, ‘Red Green’ says “Hey, you got mail, eh?”
• Instead of globe icon for Internet Explorer, you get a more appropriate beaver.
• New product — ‘Microsoft Storm Windows’

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:Hit TV series “Survivor” airs again tonight and even though the $1-million winner was decided April 20th, none of the castaways has leaked the outcome due to rigorous confidentiality agreements . . . A follow-up “Survivor” series is already being planned for early next year, likely to be shot in the Australian outback . . . Today Minnesota’s ex-wrastling gov’ Jesse Ventura tapes a guest appearance on “The Young and the Restless”, playing himself (airs later this month) . . . Tonight Dr Dre kicks off a summer tour in San Diego with Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg, and – if he can stay out of jail – Eminem.

NEW TERMS FOR 2000:• ‘Digital Distress’ . . . Techno-phobia, angst about keeping up with technology, confusion about what digital products are necessary. A new Harris Online study finds more than a third of us are affected and 60% of those polled have simply stopped trying to keep up with the latest technology. (I’m considering going stereo.)
• ‘Appointment Viewing’ . . . A marketing term for a TV show that causes people to plan ahead and actually schedule time to watch. “Survivor” is becoming that kind of show. (Lots of TV programs were like this before we had 377 channels — and nuthin’ on.)

BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:• An Israeli company has invented a pill-sized capsule that contains a miniature camera, light and transmitter that is swallowed to produce videotape of the digestive tract. It’s now being tested on humans. (“Take two capsules and send me the tape in the morning.”)
• A new British poll shows support for the royal family has slipped to an all-time low, with only 44% feeling the royals are essential. (And half of them were comedians looking for a universal punch line.)
• Mexico’s ruling party is using male exotic dancers to get female voters excited about the upcoming July 2nd presidential election. Last week, the “Sexy Boys” peeled in front of 150,000 fawning females at a political rally in Mexico City. (Joe Clark, take note!)

WHAT DAD REALLY WANTS:Top items on this year’s wish list for “Fathers Day”, according to a new online gift service poll.
• Top activities include ‘spending time with the family’ (picked by a whopping 47%), ‘going out for a steak or seafood dinner‘, and ‘attending a sports event’.
• Top gifts are clothing (30%), a card (14%), tools or sports equipment (8%).

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .Today is “International Family History Day”, a day to ‘share the folklore, legends and myths of your own particular family tree’. (To do this, just ask your dad what it was like when he was a kid.)

This is “National Hermit Week”, a time to ‘take an adventure in solitude’. So why do they have a phone?
PHONER: 888-222-5170 (The Hermit Project)