Hello and help

Registered User

I am a new user to what seems to be an excellent message board. My mum has recently been diagnosed with AD and is on Aricept. My problem is that I am 150 miles away - she lives alone but very close to her partner with whom she spends every evening and night. He gets a break during the day but for how long I dont know as she hates being alone. She is very depressed and guilty about how this is all affecting him and I feel terrible that I am not closer and cannot visit more than once or twice a month.

I have asked the consultant for a social services assessment - is this a good idea and what sort of things could they offer? She has always been such a sociable and outgoing person and it is devastating to see her so frightened and depressed. She is aware of her memory problems which seems to make it worse as she gets so upset when she cant remember things.

I wonder whether she might be happier in a residential home where she can still see him every day but the pressure would be off him as a "carer" - is this a "pie in the sky" idea? I would love her to come and live nearer me but accept that she is so dependant on him that it would be devastating for her so we are in a bit of a catch 22!

Registered User

Dear Dee, perhaps it would be a good idea if you and your Mum's partner were to talk the situation through without your Mum present. To look at all the options and honestly discuss your feelings and worries. This would not be easy, but it would clarify things for you both. As your Mum becomes more dependant, if you and her partner have agreed on a "plan" of care, then you can both act on it and share the responsibilities as well as the ups and downs. This would not only be better for both of you, but in the long term, also be less stressful for your Mum as things would flow easier. It is awful to have to think in this way I know, but your Mum is really not able to clearly think for herself all the time now, this will sadly get worse and without contingency plans in place, you could find it very hard going. With love, She. XX

Registered User

Sheila, thanks for your input - we are getting better at talking about things - initially I felt very disloyal talking about mum behind her back but in order to support her partner it does happen now. He is a gentleman who finds it hard to express what help he thinks he needs and his loyalty and commitment to my mum is admirable especially as his late wife needed long term care for a chronic physical illness. This is why mum feels so bad. Thanks again for your support. Dee

Registered User

My father-in-law was just diagnosed with AD in December 2004. My mother-in-law is the main caregiver. He is 84 and she is 80. We live 90 miles away and, prior to all this happening, saw them every 4-6 weeks.

One of the most helpful things in this whole process, both for me and my husband and for my in-laws, was contacting Social Services. None of us had ever had any dealings with them before, but we now have a brilliant social worker who is an invaluable source of information and support.

As we are still in the early stages of learning the maze that seems to be provision of services and support for AD, our social worker has been an excellent guide. She's knows about so many local resources (day centres, occupational therapists, etc.). Sometimes it's hard to even know the right questions to ask when a situation is so new and overwhelming. Our social worker has helped us to identify our main areas of concern and helped us to find the answers.

Also, our social worker is part of an "older persons team" and has a great deal of experience supporting people with AD and their families. When we have been trying to decide on things like how many hours of care time my in-laws could use per week, our social worker has helped us as with her objective, informed, caring opinions. She doesn't make decisions for us, but helps to clarify situations with her sensitive questions and comments. Given the choices that you, your mother and her partner have ahead of you, a good social worker could be a very valuable person to have on your side.

Registered User

Sandy, thank you so much for your post - it is really heartening to read as, like you, we have no experience of social services and I am a bit nervous. The experience you have had is obviously a very positive one and I hope that I will be able to say the same. My mum said today that she feels very depressed as she is very aware of her memory problems and that she feels that she needs to be with people more during the day - the services that SS appear to be able to provide could make such a difference to her. Many thanks again, Dee