Mildly perturbed (as always!) by lingering accusations of bad faith, dishonesty and cynicism, Trump is now shaking up his cabinet, in order to get rid of all the corrupt moneygrubbers, as well as any remaining Beltway establishment career politicos.

This is certain to restore trust in his regime…

Er, government!

Here’s a quick selection of who we have in store. Remember to laugh and share!

Pastor Pat Robertson

We’re off to a good start with America’s best-beloved televangelist.

Would you rather take poor little ghetto kids, take them out of the ghetto and make them very fine citizens?
Or would you like to teach rich people how to hurt their friends?

That’s not patronising or racist, it’s just getting The Word out there!

Pat Robertson is a multi-talented figure, who excels at:

Public Health

Don’t inhale demon spirits; you can do karate OK, as long as you’re nice about it.

Cultural Diversity

Pat Robertson speaks highly of Saudi Arabia and their unique approach to gender equality. This coincides nicely with King Salman’s reforms, of course.

Gender Equality

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! Pastor Pat reminds us that while many women are guilty of adultery, we shouldn’t forget about the men too: the age old Jimmy Swaggart excuse. The boy can’t help it!

Kent Hovind

Kent Hovind, or Dr Dino, is an intellectually deranged Young Earth Creationist who is so corrupt and discredited, even some other YECs find him a bit much!
If you’re worried about climate change, don’t worry. It’s all in God’s hands. ‘God helps those who help themselves’ is giving glory to the Created, and not to the Creator. So Kent definitely has some transferable skills, or at least some kind of mildly helpful transferrable mindset!

Huckabee & Akin

Renowned (if not notorious) double act Mike Huckabee and Akin are best known for ‘legitimate rape.’

And what, pray tell, is legitimate rape?

For those who are still living under a rock, ‘legitimate rape’ is a meme; i.e. a bizarre talking point that originated a few years back. See Media Matters:

During the 2012 elections, Missouri Republican Senate candidate Todd Akin claimed that pregnancies from rape are very rare and “if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Numerous Republicans disowned Akin after his bizarre and false remark; Mike Huckabee did not.

So, I guess we can all be glad traditional pre-17th century American classical patriarchy is still alive and well in the new Trump administration!

Reverend Jeremiah Wright

In keeping with the longstanding Republican tradition of honourable bipartisanship, Trump muttered:

Can we have the black guy as well? You know, the one 44 used to hang around with when he was doing his black justice schtick? A bit of affirmative action will keep the Dems off our backs until they finally find something else to bitch and moan about.

The Reverend Jeremiah Wright, not unlike his white counterparts, is known for various rhetorically rich and politically pungent quotes. AZ Quotes attributes the following punchy witticisms:

The government lied about inventing the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color. The government lied.

Them Jews aren’t going to let (Obama) talk to me.

There’s white racist DNA running through the synapses of his or her brain tissue. They will kill their own kind, defend the enemies of their kind or anyone who is perceived to be the enemy of the milky white way of life.

You are not now, nor have you ever been, nor will you ever be a brother to white folk and if you do not realize that, you are in serious trouble.

It’s not exactly clear what role poor Jeremy will be given, but I personally think he would make a great sidekick to foamy-mouthed John Bolton.

Rick Santorum

Rick ‘Frothy’ Santorum is technically a career politician; however, he is also a pretty hard-core religionist.

Rick’s strengths include good public reach-around outreach, such as to the gay journalist Dan Savage… Hence the nickname!

See also his groundbreaking logic, epistemology and analytical philosophy:

This will undoubtedly help him keep pace with his highly educated, intelligent and erudite colleagues in the Orange House.

It could be you!

Who do you think the Donald has “left behind?!”

Leave your thoughts below!

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Sub-editor of Glossy News.
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