Apparently you idiots don't have enough work to do, because I have just been informed about a new rumor. According to one or more of you lying, mouth-breathing pinheads, I have been barred from all strip clubs in the Houston area. Let me state once and for all: this is not true. Yes, many strip clubs have my picture on the wall and my face is well known to many strip club proprietors and bouncers, but not because I am barred. There are many good reasons to be known to strip club proprietors, so don't instantly assume the worst. It makes you look stupid.

Which one of you no-brained jackasses thought it would be a good idea to tell my new wife about my old wife??? Are you aware that I am trying to run this business and keep you all employed? Do you have any idea how difficult that is? If I can't do my job, you don't have a job. You have until the end of the day to smooth things over with both of my wives, or you're all fired.

I don't even know how this one got out, but a rumor is going around that I entered into a high-stakes bet with Burt Tallahassee from Royal Mariner. Well, I did. If Royal Mariner outperforms us, I have to murder one of you. If we outperform them, Burt has to murder one of his employees. I don't need to tell you how important it is we beat them.

If we don't succeed, you're all going to have blood on your hands. Work hard this year. Or else.

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The guns are gone. Now what happens to all those paper targets? Don't tell me you forgot about the paper targets. The ones hanging from little clips on fancy clotheslines at shooting ranges. With no guns to destroy these legions of paper bastards, they go unchecked.