Thursday, September 13, 2012

Speaking openly...

Buckle your seat belts - here comes a ramble. And I am going to try my hardest to leave this entry public... I have been doing SO many recently that I have confined to such a small list of people... and I really don't like to write like that... anyway.........

So, where to begin? The reason behind all the private entries recently is simple - I had a bit of a health scare. You see... in October I finally pulled myself to a dermatologist... over a completely unrelated bump on my skin - which in fact, turned out to be nothing at all to worry about. While I was there... she offered to do a full body check, and my exact words were something along the lines of "what the heck... sure..."

And then she said "we really need to biopsy this spot...." And, we did. Just below my waist band on my back.... and I thought nothing much of it. Until 9 days later, the doctor called me. And told me it was cancer. And my nerves frayed just a bit more. And I went in to see her for a follow up, and she told me what would happen next... that it was Melanoma, BUT we had caught it very early. It did not seem to have spread at all... though to be safe, and to make SURE it was all gone, I needed to go for surgery to remove a lot more skin... and my nerves frayed a bit more.

To shorten this and not repeat myself more and more... I am writing openly about it NOW - because NOW we know it is all gone. The biopsy on the larger area of skin I had removed came back - and though the cancer HAD been deeper than previously thought, it had not spread - and I am just fine. (That has been the reason for all my complaints about stitches recently.... and the friggin area is still far from healed...)

Basically, in the past month I came face to face with my mortality. And what I saw - freaked me right out.

Another thing that became prevalent - is how alone I am in everything I do. I have SOME of my Christmas stuff up - once I got stitches, I had to halt adding to it. My big tree is up in my living room - with no lights on it. I want so badly to put the lights on it... but I am not supposed to do all that reaching and stretching and such yet. The wound is in a spot that is very hard to keep from pulling apart... and I have felt very needy - with no one to ask for help. The cat boxes reek... dust has piled up on everything, the bathroom is just gross... and there will be no lights put up outside this year. I hear plenty of complaints about the condition of the house but very little "could I do this for you's..." - and there are 3 other adults living here... it just really bums me out. I have asked my mother 8 or so times to help me with the lights on the tree... each time she "yes's" me - and nothing happens. Once I get home with my babies tonight... I think I will just go do it myself. Because that is the only way it will get done. And then I will scrub and wipe down the house.......... and no one will understand just how sore it has made me... they will just see that I "finally" did my duties. I just hope the sticky crap holding my wound together holds....

Can you feel my frustration?!!?!?

At least I am pretty sure I am going to go see a movie tonight. My brother and I planned to go see it from the time we saw the first trailer in the theaters over the summer when we watched Transformers.... anyway - we are going to go catch a late showing of "I am Legend." I have no choice but to catch the late one - which means tomorrow I will be tired - but hopefully, it will be worth it. I would rather go see it with my husband... but getting him out of the house to see a movie takes a small army, AND the poor guy is feeling terrible today. So, he will be home incase a munchkin awakens.