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Stop Being The Victim Of Your Chronic Illness

Today brings you an “easier said than done” post but I’m giving it a shot.

I have become a fan of the website The Daily Love. It’s one of those sites that is supposed to help nourish the soul and help you be a better person.

Recently, they had a post called Help Yourself To Break Free Of Victim Mentality by Priya Sher. This couldn’t have come at a better time for me as I’ve been dealing with a bunch of bullshit, childish behaviour, disrespectfulness and, well…did I mention the bullshit?

And it’s all stupid, little things that, if it were one or two things, I would be temporarily annoyed or angry. I would walk away from the person, have a cool-off period or a night’s sleep, and things return to normal. But get a bunch of little things happening around the same time and it has becomes emotionally overwhelming.

This is one of my moments in time where I think that if I wasn’t sick, not only would I not be putting up with the crap, but I wouldn’t be in the situation where it would be happening to me in the first place!

But, my reality is that I am sick, I’m not getting any better and I’m going to be living with these people while I save more money, get things that I need for the day when I do leave and getting some things done while my budget allows.

And part of my reality is that when the bullshit is purposely aimed directly at me, I sometimes get upset, angry and frustrated that it is happening to me at the moment. Pre-illness days, I would have been easily able to acknowledge that the problem is with them and let things roll off my back.

Now, it’s not so easy. Through shared living arrangements, shared health difficulties and shared experiences, these people who I live with are now the friends that I am in contact with all the time. They are my social circle and my support. They easily understand where others won’t or can’t. In many ways they are the family I wish I had. And when the bullshit starts to flow and the emotions start, it becomes a time when I feel vulnerable and alone. The very people who I would turn to are the ones causing the problem.

Sometimes, just like family.

And even though I know better, I still fall victim to the “If I wasn’t sick, I wouldn’t be in this mess” mentality and sadness. Because that is also something that happens. I get sad or situationally depressed as the good doctor would say.

So, now comes the easier said than done part. Reading the post from The Daily Love, I recognize that I can easily do the blame game and become a victim of my illness. But that will never help me. What I have to do is be proactive. So I’m taking the four talking points that the author has outlined and see how they reflect my situation and the actions I can do.

Why do we feel like victims?

Well, most of her list applies to me. The loss of health turns into loss of job and security are absolutely challenging. Negative family and friends. The hit my self-esteem takes at times like this. Add the loss of independence and there’s my current situation.

To help yourself:

Stay on plan! I have certain things I want and need to get done or buy. I also need to find a way to meet new people. I’ve always used my illness as both a reason (let’s face it, some days I know not to leave the house) and an excuse to not get out there and do something and I have to get over it. I’m sure there will be times that I won’t be able to make it somewhere but I have to start doing something. I know it’s summer and a lot of organizations are on a summer break and are short-staffed, but I’ll use the time to gather as much information that I can.

To help with negative thinking:

It doesn’t always help but I have to remember that they are going through their own bullshit, too. Add in their insecurities, fears and things they aren’t talking about, and it can be an emotional roller coaster. But, I have to learn to remember that earlier instead of wondering if I did something. One of the first questions I would ask when trying to find out what was wrong was “Did I do something?”. I have learned to stop asking that question and to stop automatically assuming it was my fault and to stop trying to fix things. It’s not always my fault and since they are dealing with their own bullshit, it usually isn’t my fault. I may not know what their problem of the moment is, but we all go through difficult periods.

And finally…

Yes, I am not alone. Again, I need to find organizations that can give me some help and information and hopefully find others that are in similar situations such as mine.

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4 comments

Having shared a house with 6 other people at one point in my life (and with smaller numbers other times), I can appreciate a little bit about how housemates become family — for better and for worse. We held weekly and monthly meetings, drew up cooking and cleaning schedules (e.g. one person cooked the evening meal eaten communially and did the dishes). There should be a “housemates anonymous” to deal with the crises (often over small matters as you suggest) that come when folks share space, emotionally and physical issues, and are perhaps all feeling vulnerable, alone, scared, and full of “what ifs” in terms of health issues.
Priya Sher’s attitude sounds like a good one; I hope it helps you keep your current situation in perspective! And, you are right: in the cyberverse you never need to be alone. Now, to add fullness to your real world with non-housemates friends and support network.
Good luck!

I had most of this post written a couple of weeks ago. What was happening was, for the most part, stupid, little arguments. However, we all seemed to be in a similar moody and down state of mind at the same time. But, like I said, this too shall pass, as all things do.

I love the idea of housemates anonymous. Especially if there is a time in the meeting to just vent and let it all out before going back home. That would probably help matters for a lot of people and they could get feedback on the silliness or serious of the matters

“This too shall pass” is what my Mother always said. The older I get and the more I have to look back at . . .she was right. This earthly experience – It all passes.
For me it’s the struggle to keep my focus off what “should be” and put it on “what is and what is there for me to learn from it.”

I know I heard it said before but people usually seemed to focus on the negative and hoping that the passing would be quick. It took a long time, even though it’s one of those things you “just know”, that both good and bad will pass. And there is lessons in everything. We only have to keep our mind, heart and soul open to learn the lessons.