Saturday, October 3, 2015

Built Here.

In my favorite picture (which I still can't find) I’m standing on dirt at the far
southwest corner of what someday would be our basement in the home we built for
our family.It’s game day and the yellow Oregon Duck shirt
that's nearly too small is pulling tightly against my growing belly.My arms are stretched wide and I’m wearing the confident
grin of someone with big plans. You can see the excitement and anticipation
on my face.It also happened to be the
day I felt Ava move inside me for the first time.I would have never predicted the significance
of this day to me now. This was the first of many beginnings for us in this place;
we have all grown up here.

First days of life, including first steps, first words and
first birthdays.So much that is good
from the life we’ve built took place in the home we sold this Spring.BBQ’s, birthdays, baby showers, and
anniversaries, there are so many memories of gathering with family and friends.
We grew up in the country so building our family home on 5 acres outside of
town was a dream for both of us.I am
grateful to have lived this dream for the past eight years. The best of what we
built here was going with us.

In May, we moved from the country to a neighborhood in
town.Choosing to downsize
was the right decision for our family and through the myriad of emotion,
we continue to learn more about each other and ourselves as we get adjusted. Big
change brings on opportunity for growth and new beginnings.

I’m learning that when we make choices with a long-term
perspective, sometimes we experience short-term discomfort. This is all part of
the process.

I’m learning to trust this discomfort as temporary transition
and part of the story.

I’m learning to love the whole story, even the unplanned
parts.

I’m learning that when we recognize what was once important
to us is no longer and adjust accordingly, it’s a game changer.

I’m learning that the freedom of time to travel and be
together matters most to me right now.

There was resistance from me at first to keep it real, for
myself, for the kids. Resistance to experiencing all of the emotion.

I’m learning that as parents we do this, we protect them
from feeling sadness and disappointment because we don’t want to fail
them.I think we protect ourselves from
this too.

I’m learning that they need permission and time to adjust and
this doesn’t much differ from what we need too.

In Ava’s last few weeks of school, amid the packing and
unpacking, we decided to hold off on breaking the news that she wouldn’t be returning to the kids she’d gone to school with since she was
three.It felt like too much for her,
for all of us.

This unspoken knowledge between us likely contributed to many
difficult days and nights we experienced in the new house.She knew all along what was coming and was
waiting for us to share it with her.The
fresh glaring lime green paint on her bedroom walls speak of my motivation to
make everything better than her old room.It didn’t work.Not for her and
not for me.

Two nights before the last day at her old school felt like breaking point for us.Desperate to
interrupt the painful pattern of evening routine, I threw out my entire plan
and told her everything.As I crawled in
bed with her to say goodnight, I began asking her about what she missed most from
living in our old house.It felt wreck
less and weak in the moment but for the first time in weeks I felt her soften
and open to me.I listened to her
as she described in finite detail, all of the things she missed most about the comfort
of her old room. We sat in the sadness of the old and familiar together and I
shared what I was missing most too.For
the first time in weeks I felt like we understood each other.

I’m learning that when we come as we are, it levels the
playing field.

I’m learning that we want more than they need.

We began building something new together that night.We talked about going to a new school, making
new friends, living in a new house and all that is scary and exciting about the
unknown.

Neighbors to play with, a short walk to school and the park,
family bike rides, so many new adventures for us to experience.We began making plans on how we were going to
build a new home for ourselves here.

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I want to remember what it was like getting to
know them. I want to
share the story of my
experience and perspective with them. Leaving a
successful career to
be at home wasn't easy for me. Until I went back
to
work, I needed something else.
During a trying first
year of motherhood, I started
writing to spend more
time focusing on what was good.
I found comfort and company in a lonely space, a voice inside wanting to
be heard. Now, I write to escape from
the busyness of
everyday life. I'm on a quest to learn something
worth teaching.