Amid catastrophic website problems, the battered president, still weary and worn from a two-week government shutdown battle with Congress, admitted his healthcare plan for Americans was not running as smoothly as possible. In fact, he admitted the Affordable Care Act rollout was a train wreck.

The problems range from the amateur coding of the website that leaves users’ most sensitive information vulnerable to even the simplest hackers, to individuals’ accounts disappearing and prospective low-income buyers unable to apply for tax credits.

In an unprecedented move, President Obama told a press conference that needy Americans are still covered, even if the healthcare website is not properly working.

Although the administration will not disclose the actual problems with the website, or if Healthcare.gov will be up and running before the December 15th deadline when all Americans must have health insurance or be fined by the IRS, the president is urging people not to worry.

“One thing is for certain,” President Obama told reporters, and he stared directly into the camera to speak to all Americans, “be assured that if you walk into any medical facility in the United States, you just mention my name, and you’re covered.”

The reporters burst into multiple questions at once. How could that work? What kind of a system was that? Could anybody do that?

The president held up his hands. “I want every American out there who doesn’t already have his or her own health care plan to know that when you seek medical attention, you mention me. You say, ‘I’m on the president’s plan.’ You say, ‘Send him the bill. Because I’m covered.'”

Exiled cultural philosopher issued a rare ‘F’ word in regard to the Obama administration’s Affordable Care Act nightmare rollout. “It’s a fucking mess!” he said over Skype. His feed cut in and out until the screen went black. Undoubtedly the long forgotten man of ideas would have had more to say about Obamacare and Healthcare.gov, however technology does not always allow it.

Perhaps he would have said that already web traffic to Healthcare.gov has waned, and ultimately, if the massive problems are not fixed very soon, will sit dormant like yet another abandoned, government built city in China. “A few bells and whistles!” he might have hollered, “but empty and dark. Nobody’s home! Nobody’s home!”