Episode begins at the "Tool Time" set. Tim is finishing a brick wall. Al
looks at a pumpkin on the workbench, then turns around to face Tim.

Tim:

Right now that we have an even layer of mortar, it's time to float our
brick. There you go. One more course and our brick wall will be
finished. Oh golly, Al. I'm out of brick.

Al:

Are you telling me Tim, that you're a few bricks shy of a load?

[Al laughs and makes a snoring sound]

Tim:

No, I'm telling you that you're one wise crack short of unemployment.
[Tim snores back at Al] Now please go back and get the rest of the
brick, all right? [Al leaves] While Al is back there, let's finish up
that--

[Tim signals the audience to be quiet. He runs back stage. Al comes running
back]

Al:

Uh, Tim. There doesn't seem to be any... Uh, Tim? [Short pause] Tim?

Cut to the "Tool Time" set - backstage.

[Tim wears a horrible grey mask and ugly grey gloves with long fingers]

Tim:

[With a deep metallic voice] Tim is not here anymore!

Cut to close-up on Al's face.

[He's looking into the camera, not a bit surprised. Tim comes out, running
towards Al, screaming to scare him. Tim moves his fingers in front of Al's
face. Al still doesn't seem surprised. Tim gives up and caresses Al's nose
with his fingers]

Tim:

I got you pretty good, didn't I?

Al:

Yes Tim, I'm quaking.

[Close-up on Tim. He's looking into the camera. Close-up on Tim and Al]

Tim:

That's a good mask. Who are you supposed to be?

Al:

I'm Al!

[Tim runs towards the camera, looking directly into it and rocking it from
side to side]

Tim:

[Screaming] IT'S AN AAAAL!

[Tim gets serious again, takes off the gloves and the mask and walks back
to Al]

Tim:

It's Halloween and we all can't be as spooky as Al here. But we can
cut ourselves some frightening jack-o'-lanterns.

Al:

That's right Tim. As you can see, I've already carved my jack-o'-
lantern.

[Al turns on a switch to light the lantern. It lights up and reveals an
image of Bob Vila's head. The audience applauds]

Al:

Look, Tim. I notice that you haven't carved your jack-o'-lantern.

Tim:

How perceptive of you, Al. Well I could spend long boring hours
whittling away with an incy-mincy carving knife like you. [Tim raises
his voice to shouting during the next line] Or I could put some
excitement into the pumpkin carving process and sculpt my pumpkin
using what?!

Audience:

MORE POWER!!!

Tim:

Darn right, more power! I've cored and scored this bad boy and all I
need now is a little explosion to pop the pieces out of the pumpkin.
[Short pause] I've filled the pumpkin with natural gas and installed a
small sparking device that's activated by this simple remote control.
[Tim holds up a little black box. Close-up on Tim] Don't try this at
home, children!

Al:

Tim. I believe that charge might be a little--

Tim:

Too powerful for you Al, or too manly, a little too macho?

Al:

No--

Tim:

If that's the case, Al, why don't you just cower and hide behind the
desk here? [Al hides under the workbench] Cuz this bad boy is about
ready to go.

[Tim presses the button and pieces of the pumpkin fly out the front and
back. It reveals a simply carved jack-o'-lantern]

Tim:

See there Al. Nothing to worry about, buddy!

[Al gets up from the desk and his face is covered with the inside of the
pumpkin. He spits out a small piece. Tim looks at Al, then into the camera
with a little smile on his face. Tim's head becomes a pumpkin that falls
down]

[Opening credits]

Cut to the kitchen.

[Jill and Mark are preparing food. Jill walks to the stairs to the
basement]

Jill:

[Shouting] Tim. How are you doing down there?

Tim:

[From the basement] Almost done. Igor, let go of my leg!

[Jill walks back to Mark. Randy approaches them]

Randy:

What are you guys doing?

Jill:

We are making the food for Brad's Halloween party. [Voice of an old
lady] Perhaps you would like to try some dirt and worms.

[Jill eats some of the disgusting food. She makes some strange noises]

Randy:

Mom, please tell me I'm adopted.

Jill:

[With emphasis] Delicious.

Randy:

Oh, gross!

[The sound of screams and deep-voice laughter can be heard coming from the
basement. Tim enters from the basement]

Tim:

Well, honey. I don't think we have to worry about the insurance
salesman for a while. [Tim laughs]

Randy:

How's "Haunted House?"

Tim:

"Haunted House?" Come on. I designed the "Catacombs of Terror."

Randy:

Can we take a look?

Tim:

Well, it's pretty scary and dangerous down there. Are either of you
pregnant or wearing a pacemaker?

Randy:

No!

Tim:

[Repeating Randy] "Nooou!"

[Jill laughs]

Jill:

What have you been doing down there all day long? What takes so long?

Tim:

Come on, honey. Horror takes time. And besides, when Brad's guests get
here tonight, they'll be down there with their hair bleached white,
eyes bulging out with that look of horror-- [Tim makes a horror face
and makes some strange noises]

Jill:

That's the way you looked on our wedding day. [Short pause]

Tim:

I shouldn't have lifted the veil. [Short pause]

Jill:

Who told you to wear it? [Short pause] Ha ha. Come sit down here. I
want you to finish all this up here so I can go pick up my costume.

Tim:

Wait a minute. The party starts in an hour.

Jill:

Oh, honey. I've been running around like crazy to getting all this
stuff done. I didn't have time to get it.

Well, let's just say adrenaline. It speeds up the conversion of
glycogen into glucose.

[Wilson turns on the power and reveals the picture on the pumpkin. it is
Wilson staring over the fence! Pause for about 10 seconds]

Wilson:

And glucose supplies energy to the muscles, thus making them more
efficient for fight or flight.

Tim:

I don't care what it does. When Brad's friends see this "Catacomb
of Terror" they'll be "epinephrine" in their pants! [Short pause]
After 8 o'clock why don't you slide around back and let yourself in
the basement.

Wilson:

I'll be there, Tim.

Tim:

Oh, I also need that special meat cleaver. You know what I'm talking
about?

[Jill fumbles with her zipper on the front of the costume. Everytime she
talks, the top of her costume gets into Tim's face]

Tim:

How's Brad doing?

Jill:

Oh, he's okay. He just wants to have a few minutes by himself. You
know the zipper is like sticking and I think I had too much punch.
Can you fix this for me?

Tim:

[Grunting] Oh you had too much punch. How does this feel? [Punches her
softly in the stomach. Jill screams]

Jill:

Oh, don't do that. Come on.

[Tim walks to the counter looking in a drawer]

Jill:

What are you looking for?

Tim:

Vegetable peeler.

[Tim holds one up in front of Jill]

Jill:

Oh, Tim. This is getting, you know, like, kind of, serious.

Tim:

Is it serious, huh? Let me get the bolt cutter.

[Tim heads for the garage]

Jill:

No, no, no, no. I put a huge deposit on this thing.

Tim:

Just kidding. A little spray lubricate will--

[Tim sprays something on the zipper]

Jill:

You have to do this now.

Tim:

Sit still for a minute.

Jill:

Now!

[Curtis enters the kitchen]

Curtis:

Mr. Taylor?

Tim:

Yeah, what is it Curtis?

Curtis:

Where's the bathroom?

Tim:

Well, for atoms like you it's down the hall near the cyclotron.

[Curtis heads for the hall]

Jill:

You got it?

Tim:

You're free.

[Jill also runs to the hall. She overtakes Curtis]

Jill:

[To Curtis, shouting] Outta my way, atom boy.

[Curtis comes back walking backwards. Jill was really speeding]

Cut to the backyard, a short time later.

[Brad is sitting down. Tim enters from garden door]

Tim:

How is it going, sport?

Brad:

Okay!

Tim:

Don't you wanna come inside and join the rest of us?

Brad:

I think I'm gonna beat up Danny.

Tim:

Aren't you mad at the wrong person?

Brad:

I can't beat up Jennifer.

Tim:

I don't know. I think you can take her. [Short pause]

Brad:

Dad!

Tim:

What happened to you two? What did you do?

Brad:

Nothing!

Tim:

Come on. What's the last thing that happened before she got mad at you?

Brad:

I don't know.

Tim:

Help me, think. Was it tonight? Yesterday? After school?

Brad:

Yesterday after school we played kickball.

Tim:

Right. You've got a clue now. You didn't kick her in the face with a
ball, did you?

Brad:

No!

Tim:

Good. Cuz women really hate that. What did you do?

Brad:

I didn't do anything. Besides, why does it have to be my fault?

Tim:

Son, it's always our fault.

Brad:

Why didn't she just tell me? She said I should know.

Tim:

She didn't tell you because women aren't as smart as they think they
are. They don't realize how little we actually know. You've gotta go
in there and find out what's going on. Try to see her side.

Brad:

I don't care about her side.

Tim:

Really? Why are you wearing a red wig and size 18 shoe?

Brad:

[Silent] Okay, I care.

Tim:

All right. Go in there and talk to her. And remember, the two most
important things you can say to a woman are, "I understand."

Brad:

"I understand?"

Tim:

Right. Say those two words and they'll forgive you for just about
anything.

Brad:

Got it.

Tim:

Oh, one more thing: Loose the wig and shoes.

[Brad takes off the shoes]

Cut to the family room.

[Jennifer is bored. Danny has obviously disappeared for a while]

Cut to the kitchen.

Jill:

How's Brad?

Tim:

He's okay. We had a little man-to-man talk. I shared some of my
expertise on women.

Jill:

Oh. After that you talked about neuro-surgery?

Tim:

No, we talked about how much happier you'd have been if you'd married a
big cabbage.

Cut to the family room.

[Brad enters and sits in front of Jennifer]

Brad:

Hi.

Jennifer:

Hello.

Brad:

I thought you were coming as Raggedy Ann.

Jennifer:

I was going to.

[In the background, Tim is cleaning up]

Brad:

I understand.

[Tim bends his elbow swinging it down as if he says: "YES!!!"]

Jennifer:

Understand what?

[Brad looks at Tim for a second but Tim just spreads his hands to signal
he doesn't know]

Brad:

Uh... I... I understand you're mad at me.

Jennifer:

Who wouldn't be. In kickball, you picked Elaine instead of me.

Brad:

She's good. I wanted to win.

Jennifer:

You embarrassed me. You should have seen Elaine. She was gloating.

Brad:

Why didn't you just say something on the playground.

Jennifer:

Bradley, how could you not know. You can be so dense.

Brad:

[Self-confident] Hey, I may be dense but my team won!

Tim:

[Coughing this line] Don't start talking like that!

[Tim coughs again to make it seem real. Brad moves himself to sit next to
Jennifer]

Brad:

Well, I understand that winning doesn't matter. I should have picked
you.

Jennifer:

I'm sorry, I didn't come as Raggedy Ann.

Brad:

Yeah, not as sorry as I am.

Cut to the basement, a short time later.

[You can hear scary music and deep-voice laughter. The floor is covered
with smoke and the room is full of ghosts and other Halloween stuff
including a chemistry set with boiling liquids. Jill comes down the
stairs. The kids are behind her]

Jill:

Okay everybody. Come on down. [Jill tries to turn on the light but the
switch doesn't work] Uh-oh. The lights don't work. This is not good.
Be very careful. Stay together. Watch out for hideous monsters.

[Curtis is right behind Jill]

Curtis:

There are no hideous monsters down here.

Jill:

There's at least one, Curtis!

[The deep-voice laughter again]

Danny:

[From the top of the stairs] This isn't scary. It's totally lame!

[Mark dressed in the horrible mask that Tim had at the studio comes out
screaming at the kids. Everybody but Danny screams]

Danny:

Oh come on, Jennifer. That's just Brad's dumb little brother.

Mark:

It is not me.

[You hear some bangs and chains]

Jill:

Wait, wait. Watch out, watch out. That's chains. What could it be?

[Jill points her flashlight at a coffin. It opens and reveals Tim dressed
as a female zombie. He has a big scar on his forehead]

Jill:

It's Nanastein.

Tim:

[With a female strange voice] Mother-in-law from beyond the grave!

[Tim stretches his arms in front of him like a zombie and walks towards the
children. He stops on the way and begins to cough. He takes something out
of his mouth]

Tim:

[Still with strange voice] I seem to have hawked up a little maggot.

[Tim holds up the maggot. Jill and the kids are disgusted]

Tim:

Now I wanna kiss a little kid. Come here.

[Tim walks to the stairs but the children scream and run up to the house.
only Danny stays. Tim follows them but at the top of the stairs he turns
around and walks down again. He bangs his head at the pipe over the
stairs]

Danny:

[To Tim] This is pathetic. You are in a dress, you son's a doll and
your wife is a radish.

[Danny opens the toolbox but it falls apart and reveals a bucket on the top
of the big box]

Danny:

Oo-hoo-hoo. A bucket. I'm scared!

[Danny removes the bucket. Underneath is Al's head. He's dressed as a
vampire. He turns around to face Danny and shows his teeth. Now Danny gets
scared, screams, and runs upstairs. But on the stairs someone stops him. I
can't see if it is Mark in the same costume, but it could also be Randy.
Danny turns around trying to get away. Close-up on Al]

Al:

Aaaaaaah. Where's my body? My body!

[Danny freezes with his back up against something covered with a sheet. The
sheet lifts off and reveals Wilson dressed as a mummy with Wilson's usual
hat on. He grabs Danny around the neck with one arm and Danny tries to
run. But Wilson lifts in the air and Danny gets loose. He runs upstairs
and out. Close-up on Tim and Al still in their costumes. They look into
the camera and smile. The other kids clap]

Cut to the basement, later that night.

[Tim is helping Wilson to get off the wire that lifted him up in the air.
Al is still in the box]

Al:

Well Tim. Your "Haunted House" was a huge success. I've gotta hand it
to you.

Tim:

With what? [Tim laughs]

Wilson:

Oh, thank you, Nanastein. You are looking so youthful this evening.

Tim:

[With the strange voice] Well that's probably that new moisturise, that
"Formaldehyde of Olay."

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