Recent News

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

GLENDALE, AZ—Saying he was not ready to hang up his cleats just yet, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald told reporters Wednesday that he’s confident he still has a couple lousy seasons that undercut his entire career left in him.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ask Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953

Dear Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953,

After my divorce six months ago, I was looking forward to "playing the field" once again. However, after hitting the bars and going out on a few dates, I find myself as tongue-tied around men as I was when I was a teenager. What accounts for my surprising shyness? And what can I do to overcome it?

—Single In Syracuse

Dear Single,

When people think of America's Dairyland, they invariably think of our sister to the north, Wisconsin. But do you realize that if Nebraska's aggregate annual milk production continues to rise at its current rate, by 1960 the Cornhusker State will surpass the Badger State as the country's largest producer of dairy products? It's true! And as this year's Miss Omaha Dairy Products, I'm proud and honored to be representing this exciting, fast-growing industry right here in the great state of Nebraska.

Dear Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953,

A few weeks ago, my husband introduced some sex toys into the bedroom. At first, I tried to be open-minded about it, but lately, he's taken to them so much, he can't seem to enjoy our moments of intimacy without them! How can I get him to ease up on the utensils and make me his favorite toy?

—Frustrated In Framingham

Dear Frustrated,

Since the war, there have been many exciting technical innovations that have made the average dairy farmer's job a lot easier. The automated milking machine enables farmers to milk cows quickly and efficiently, freeing them from the tedious labor of hand-milking, not to mention eliminating the waste that results from uneven milking and spilled buckets. Improvements in the quality of feed and veterinary care have also resulted in healthier cows with higher milk yields. If this seems impressive to you, consider these amazing future developments predicted by scientists at our leading land-grant colleges: atomic-powered milk-processing plants, butter that never needs refrigeration, a lab-bred "super-cow" that can produce as much milk as two dozen Holsteins, and airplane fuel made from synthesized yoghurt cultures! These are just some of the incredible things we can look forward to in the years to come!

Dear Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953,

My unmarried son is 34 years old and runs a lucrative business buying and selling science-fiction collectibles over the Internet. But despite his career success, he still lives at home. Call me mean or old-fashioned, but I just don't think it's proper for a man his age to live with his parents, and I think it would be best for him to move out. Should I give him the old heave-ho, or should I learn to be more supportive of my son?

—Torn In Torrance

Dear Torrance,

Everyone knows milk is healthful and rich in essential vitamines and minerals. But we often take for granted just how lucky we are to be able to have milk at our dining table. The African colonies and Oriental nations value cows only for their meat and hides, India considers the cow sacred and does not exploit it, and the peoples of Red China and the countries behind the Iron Curtain frequently go without milk in their diets. Milk makes the body and mind healthy, so it's no coincidence that the richer, freer and more democratic nations of the world have made milk a basic dietary staple. So the next time someone tries to sell you on the virtues of oleomargarine and non-dairy coffee creamer, you may want to inquire about his system of government.

Dear Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953,

Are people with SUVs more inclined to drive irresponsibly? It sure seems that way to me. Many a time I have been relentlessly tailgated by one of these metal monsters. Just yesterday, I was cut off by an SUV while slowing to pull into a parking lot. I firmly believe that if these people were driving a plain old sedan like me, they'd be less likely to pull this aggressive nonsense. Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953, would you, in your own inimitable fashion, please tell all those reckless SUV drivers to cool it? They sure don't seem to listen to my horn!

—Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,

On Sunday, Sept. 6, I'll be appearing at the Pan-Nebraska Cattle Exposition & Youth Fair at the Halversen Stock Pavilion in downtown Omaha. I'll be presiding over the ribbon-cutting of the new and enlarged outdoor stock pen behind the pavilion. I'll also be giving a special demonstration on how to keep cream-based sauces from curdling during cooking, so, ladies, you'll definitely want to come on down! Free samples of ice cream will be served, and everyone's favorite, Lucybelle The Guernsey Cow, famed mascot of the Eastern Nebraska Dairymen's Cooperative, will be there, as well. See you there!

More from this section

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.