The following were extracted before previous articles were posted. You will doubtless find some thoughts that sound like repeats. They may well be but are worth a review.

The Dark Side of Feminism changed major league marriage into bush league amateurism with little staying power for both men and women.

Husbands abandon wives, because a man seeks to escape the woman that demeans his significance by decades of trying to change him.

Older husbands drop first wife to capture a trophy. They long for the excitement their peers seem to have enjoyed. They seek to start over and do better; they figure they know how to restore their satisfaction as husband, father, or both.

Feminism conditioned women to reject the traditional model of successful marriage on the basis that men are unfair, unacceptable, discouraging, demeaning, or worse. And so women enter it biased against success.

This model worked for centuries: They marry when she’s sure of his devotion and willing to accept him as is. After marriage she makes and keeps herself worthy of him as reward for his husbanding and fathering and compensation for giving up his freedom.

What does she get out of marriage? Short-range fulfillment of her aspirations of well-loved wife or long-range support for raising children and uplifting her latter years? She can have both but focusing on the latter guides her best for the early years. Her primal need is for a brighter future.

Serious feminists feel equally capable of chasing and earning the man they want when they want him. They won’t sit around and wait for him to call. They hunt, prowl, and upstage men for sexual conquest. They pay little value to a man’s character but whine about his inadequacies. At best their hopes and dreams straddle the fault line between male and anti-male.

7 responses to “2468. Leftover Thoughts on Marriage — I”

Hi Sir Guy,
Doesn’t the woman give up her freedom as well as she gets married, even more than the man? (according to the traditional view of marriage as you described, where the woman is supposed to be the flexible, easy-going one, who never complains or else.) Why should only the man be rewarded for that?

To be honest, I don’t quite see the advantages for women in getting married. In fact, I’m beginning to think that I’d rather not. Why should I put all this effort in trying to be a perfect wife so my husband doesn’t run off with a younger specimen, when there are so many more interesting things to do? My biggest fear is not to be abandoned, but to be enslaved to someone else’s wants and needs. I do care about others, of course, but I expect them to be responsible for their own happiness, as I am for mine.

Of course it is demeaning to overstep someone’s boundaries and try to force them to change, but if a woman is dependent on her husband for her survival and basic needs, it makes sense that she would get anxious and controlling if he fails to provide for her in this regard or threatens to leave her. I can see all kinds of abuse sprouting from such an arrangement, especially in our current society where there is no heavy expectation for men to be loyal to their wives or to treat them with justice, and where a housewife is seen as a parasite waiting to get abused or taken advantage of. This is the reality as it is now. That’s why I don’t see it as a bad thing that both partners have their own income, so they both come from a place of independence and can demand respect and consideration without needing to use coaxing tactics from a sense of powerlessness and fear.

You blame feminists for having a negative view of men, but at the same time it seems that men, as you describe them, have a very high tolerance for guilt and feel completely entitled to abandon their wives for someone else. I don’t see this as something very admirable.

Yes, maybe I am overlooking the “male nature”, but so be it. My freedom is important to me too. I refuse to see sex as an obligation to reward a man for making me his maid-in-wedlock. If this means I cannot possibly make any man happy or satisfied, then so be it as well.

Your Highness Milena,
Given the cultural divide today between the male and female natures, no one can fault your conclusions. I hope why and what you seek works out for you and yours.
Guy

Speaking as an old married lady….yes, I absolutely believe women lose their freedom far more then men in a marriage….(Yes I do most of the housework/heavy lifting/child care/social/health appointments, etc. and it does take a lot of time esp. with kids.) It is a huge risk and so shouldn’t be taken with anyone you have doubts about or hope to change after marriage. Marriage is not at all for everybody! Sometimes its boring, other times incredibly joyous….a roller coaster ride, as I have experienced it anyways. It is an adventure to be so tied to another person, and even in the best case scenario of lifelong love we will face heartbreak at the end. Nonetheless after all these years that is what I hope for…that kind of love.

Your post is very well thought out and I wish more girls/brides to be would seriously ponder the questions you pose instead of just thinking about the big day. I would hope any woman who is thinking about getting married would decide for herself what are the “deal-breakers”–her limits, in other words, what would be a profound violation of her self respect that she would never tolerate from a mate, god forbid. (Violence, infidelity, finding out that your spouse has an addiction, etc. would be mine.) And, stick with it! Once one has lost the respect of their mate by giving up their own self respect it is incredibly hard to get that back, if not pointless being that your spouse may not even be worth staying with any more. The Golden Rule is always golden! Be a good person and expect good treatment from others. I wish you luck whatever the future holds!

Thank you, Meow Meow 🙂 You give some very sound advice! I always love to hear from people who have a lot of experience. Personally, I think the huge emphasis on romantic love and finding your ‘soulmate’ these days is harmful. How can you find the right partner if you don’t know who you are? If you have not taken some time developing yourself, building character and finding out where your boundaries are? Our culture is geared too much towards instant gratification, being superficially pleasing towards the other sex and deriving your self-worth from how sexually attractive you are. This does not encourage self-respect or self-knowledge.

I believe there are biological differences between men and women that affect their personality, although people are infinitely more complex than you can ever put into words. It just makes me sad to think that men wouldn’t be able to respect women who see sex not as something you give as a reward, but as something that is to be mutually enjoyed with someone you trust and like (even if this is outside of marriage). This language of conquest and price all sounds a bit too cold and violent to me.

I completely agree with your very wise assessment of the current soulmate culture today and the notion that romantic/erotic love is the ultimate in seeking a partner/marriage. This relationship model is a recipe for failure and disappointment as the love is really quite selfish: how does he make me feel, what am I getting out of this relationship, etc. And then how many people end up cutting their soulmate off when they don’t live up to the false fantasy they’ve created? The functional model of man/woman working together to help each other in a unit for raising children is gone. Even children are mostly gone from marriage these days so what are you left with?

About your comment: “It just makes me sad to think that men wouldn’t be able to respect women who see sex not as something you give as a reward, but as something that is to be mutually enjoyed with someone you trust and like (even if this is outside of marriage).” There is another way of looking at this that helped me understand this phenomenon, hopefully I can explain it correctly—and Sir Guy, correct me if I’m wrong!

A man’s brain is compartmentalized…ever noticed how you can’t talk to a man when their watching a game? They just aren’t wired to multitask as such. One thing at a time! Whereas a woman’s brain is more integrated, we fuse our emotions with our actions. With a compartmentalized brain, a man can EASILY disassociate sex from feeling/bonding. However, being more integrated, the woman usually mixes sex + feelings. That’s the reason why it’s so easy for men to do one-night-stands and why women are left confused and hurt after the fact, wondering how the man could just “leave” and be so cold. The good news: There IS a way for the man to integrate sex with feeling for a particular woman to obtain the type of sexual relationship mutually enjoyed. It’s when a man has to learn/figure out/work for the woman without sex—just as Sir Guy describes. In this way, his emotions will build over time which will eventually help him integrate sex with feelings. He will have learned that she is more valuable than sex. This takes him WAY MORE TIME than it does a woman to get to this point. We can merge the two thoughts almost instantly. See how different? And how holding off sex can be more beneficial to the man as well as the woman? So if a woman wants this mutual fulfilling sexual relationship as you describe—wouldn’t the best way to achieve it be to let the man develop his feelings for the woman so he can integrate the two.

Also, you mention “trust” in a relationship. Do you trust after one date? Two? Of course not, but many people are having sex with someone right off the bat where trust CANNOT exist. Women trust more easily than men, so we have to be proceed with caution and take our time before we know the man is completely devoted. Another point where our brains differ.

I can tell you from personal experience. If things happen in the slowed manner, waiting for devotion before having sex, sex only improves—even after many years. My husband has said so on several occasions after 20 years! You’d think he’d be bored by now! I believe that he has become more integrated with his feelings associated with sex. In fact, I believe marriage is designed to be a lifetime as it can take decades of work and integration…to those who are patient enough to wait.

I like this video as it explains this phenomenon of the male brain in its response to sex/emotion. Although I personally believe the “woman’s contract” he mentions should be marriage.

Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
Well done, darling. Good enough for posting as an article probably on Monday. I love it when pretty women write so clearly and thought provoking.
Guy

Your post makes me smile. Yes one thing at a time! My husband HATES when I interrupt, even if its to just express agreement I can tell it throws him off his track. He also says our sex life has only gotten better with time and I’m so puzzled….to me its a bit repetitive, I’m the one who wants to mix it up a bit, but if it works for him, at our age, great! I’m certainly not going to complain! (Thank goodness for anonymous advice forums…)

Very wise advice. 🙂 I agree that women trust more easily than men and that we should be cautious. It’s good to take your time to get to know a man’s character (although not always that easy to think clearly when feelings come into the picture). It’s also good to hear that you and your husband are still so happy together. I wish you all the best. 🙂

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Wives lose husbands, but it can be prevented. Bachelorettes lose boyfriends, but it can be foreseen. Mates lose likeability, but it can be reversed. So what if the pool of good men appears half empty? By learning the true nature of men AND WOMEN, the pool appears at least half full and much more appealing to female determination and flexible to feminine influence.