Financing A Mistress

There’s no such thing as a free lunch; the same goes for free love — or, lust. Assuming you’re fit to handle the physical and mental demands of having a mistress, you best be set to spend dearly if you want steady action on the side. Financing a mistress is — ironically — a sizable commitment. Here’s a breakdown of a typical year’s worth of expenditures for your lovely lady on the side.

All prices are listed in U.S. funds.

basic expenses

Entertainment

Assuming she’s not into the clubs and concerts that don’t take effort and expense to get into (which also pose the greatest risk of exposure), you’ll be buying your way into some big-ticket shows several times a year. Quite a dilemma: You’ll want great seats, but you don’t necessarily want to be seen.

Cost: $3,000 (12 events, averaging $250 each)

Travel and transportation

Even legitimate business trips don’t have to be all business. If you want some breathing room and the chance to be together in public for a change, take her along to make downtime your get-down time. Naturally, take care expensing this “executive assistant,” “interpreter” or “independent consultant.”

As for transportation, this covers a lot of bases. It could count as an anonymous car you and your mistress use specifically for your engagements (registered to an LLC for good measure) or it might be cab fares and “you-didn’t-see-anything” tips. Clearly, the days of using your parents’ car for free transportation and carnal deliverance are long gone, and your mistress won’t take kindly to the gift of a bus pass.

Gifts

What’s an impractical risk of marital implosion without buying impractical goods? We’re afraid this isn’t a matter of whether she likes expensive gifts; it’s a matter of how often she requires them. Jewelry is probably going to take the biggest bite, though she’ll eventually ask for new furniture after her puppy (yes, the one you bought her) destroys her old set. Do we really need to remind you not to buy her a blender?

Salon and spa

She wants to look good. You want her to look good. Any questions? If so, they’d better not sound like, “Why can’t you wash your hair and put cucumbers over your eyes at home?” If those words should ever happen to fall from your mouth, you deserve whatever befalls you afterward. Chances are, it won’t be pretty. Our advice: Shut up and pay.