Thursday, July 24, 2008

It's All About Perspective

I write on several message boards quite regularly. One in particular (that I know some of my loyal readers also participate in) has people that I know in real life and people that I don't know, but who know people that I know in real life. In other words, these aren't random strangers that I am talking to. I had real life relationships with some of the posters long before the message board existed.

Lately, many of us on the board have gotten pregnant. As one might expect, pregnancy and childbirth is a frequent topic of discussion on this particular (non-pregnancy related) message board. I participate somewhat in the discussions. I would not say I'm a driving force, but I am excited about having a baby, stressed about my GD diet and my shots and my constant doctors' appointments and scares during this pregnancy, and coping (still) with my miscarriage. Pregnancy is clearly an important part of my life, and pretending that it isn't with these people (or my loyal readers, for that matter) would be a lie.

One member of the board is struggling with infertility and pregnancy lost. Been there, done that, obviously. So I absolutely sympathize. And I'm writing about this here, and not there, so as to not cause her more distress.

But she has asked that we talk about pregnancy less because it is "insensitive" to talk about when people have experienced lost.

Hmm.

I'm not quite sure what I think about that. Having experienced loss, I am very careful to never ask people if they are "trying." If a friend reveals they are trying, I wish them luck, let them know I'm there if they need me, and let them come to me if they need support. If a friend who is struggling with infertility or miscarriage cannot stand to attend my baby shower (not that I'm having one, as this is not my first baby, but as an example :)) or visit for a while when I have a newborn, I understand and it's totally okay. And if this lady chooses not to read the pregnancy posts, that's okay, too.

But it's not insensitive to talk about my pregnancy, is it? It's not like I'm chanting, "I'm pregnant and you're not." Not at all. I still think this pregnancy sticking, after weeks of bleeding, and this baby surviving, after my nurse told me to come in immediately in case I wanted to terminate, is a MIRACLE. But talking about it, posting about it, trying my best to enjoy it even as I secretly still haven't decided that I'll actually have a baby come October...those things are helping me cope with my own lost.

I NEED to celebrate this baby. I can't grieve forever. I can't make this baby's life less significant and important because sometimes, babies die. This baby is important.

I am so sorry for her pain. I certainly don't ever want to cause pain, especially pain like what I felt when I lost my baby. And I cried over many a pregnancy announcement after my miscarriage. It seemed like everyone but me was having a baby. But I didn't ever cry over THIER BABIES; I cried over my loss. I know I could not have attended a baby shower last December. I know I didn't want to talk about it. But I never, for a second, wished that anyone else would not celebrate their own precious new little lives.

5 comments:

I think you should be able to celebrate to. If she chooses not to read the pregnancy related posts, then that is her decision. You shouldn't have to alter what you talk about to please everyone on the message board.

It is unfair to expect to pretend that you aren't having a baby and that he isn't important to you. But you still have to respect her pain. Since I don't read this particular message board, I don't know if you're already doing this, but I guess my advice would be to make sure that all pregnancy related posts say so in the topic line. You know, so she can easily avoid reading them.