July 12, 2017

The Shy Guy on IF Island

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of temperament and how an individual or a couple processes their unique "journey to parenthood." This concept has come up at various intervals during our time on IF Island because Noah and I are... fundamentally, emotionally VERY different people. But last weekend was Noah's 20 year high school reunion and we went, and I saw in him something I've always known but never fully understood, and that is his shyness. So how is that relevant?

When I met Noah, 17 plus years ago, I knew she was shy. He was quiet and observant and sweet and to me this all just meant he was playing hard to get. I was, am, not shy. I never have been. And for the longest time I assumed being shy was simply being slow to warm, maybe a little socially anxious, and perhaps more introverted. But that might not be it, or all of it. To each their own. But what do you get when you take a seriously shy and private guy with a super vocal and expressive gal and quarantine them on IF Island for five years? I supposed you get a deep understanding of each other as you try to balance each other needs and what each person feels is "normal" in how they process.

I thought it was very normal to share. I felt strongly about talking about it, I needed to talk and write and connect to others because that's how I roll. I am my father's daughter 100% (he's very much a sharer) and that's just what felt right me. Noah never really shared feelings. I mean that in a general sense. We joked that I just had all the feelings for the both of us, but really he just needed to figure out what his feelings were and how he wanted to express them. I think that's why it worked for us to document and make a movie about our experience. (We are going to release said movie in the fall...finally!) It allowed me to share-- perhaps overshare at times, and allowed him to participate but also primarily be behind the camera where he could process his feelings through a specific lens, literally and figuratively. I think the documenting process helped us figure out the balance of what we needed to survive and get through our experience. The goal wasn't to help him learn to be less shy and more expressive, though for a long time I thought it was, the goal was and always is to find a way to respect what each of us needs to make sense of our lives and our specific situation so that we can find balance and feel ok. This isn't anything mind blowing but it helps me to remember that every person has a very different emotional landscape and often times very different needs when it comes to making sense of their own emotional experience. It's so important for each of us to try to know ourselves and our styles and how they might be different from our partners.

Noah isn't the shy teenager he was anymore, but that shy teenager definitely lives inside him. Somehow it worked for him to move towards sharing and now I see how vocal he is about the male experience when it comes to infertility and I think it feels right to him now. And there are times when he wants to keep quiet and be private, and that's fine too. It can be very uncomfortable for someone who is more reserved or shy to share feelings about fertility or lack there of. It's just another way in which two people can grow to deepen their understanding of each other in a relationship, right? Unintended difficult but positive consequences.