Sunday, April 19, 2009

Wildest Dreams Checklist: Reboot Your Life By Becoming "Unreasonable"

This essay is contained in my new book. I'm delighted to announce that The Sojourner's Passport site has launched! You can visit it at http://www.sojournerspassport.com/.

Everyone, I can't thank you enough for your ongoing encouragement and support; I truly appreciate it. Your support is what made this possible. And here's a special shout-out to my web designers at Educo Web Design. They're nice people to deal with, and they do outstanding work!

26 comments:

I've been unreasonable for a big chunk of my life. I just haven't always had a specific set plan for doing things. I want(ed) to experience life to its fullest. Now I can certainly look back and see how risk-taking with no safety net can land you on the pavement hard but if the option was not to have done it at all I say bring a pillow!

Right now I'm going to take a step a back and reevaluate things. I've had an inner voice whispering in my ear about some things I'm discontented with that I ignored cuz I was waiting for the "right" time to address them. There'll never be a time I want to do so and that action required must take place now. So that's my new unreasonable.

I like the idea of getting a visa and going to a foreign country to find a partner. Aside from traveling and the cultural exchange having a legal residency in another country can only open more opportunities for women. Sweden has excellent benefits even if you aren't a resident and they pay for college (for its citizens). I've always noticed the interest in Black American women from foreign men.

Loving your latest blog posts. I've been following along silently; but I think I want to offer my two cents on this one.

You said:

Compromising with, and ultimately giving up on, one's inner dreams are an unfortunate side effect of becoming a responsible adult.

My response:

I think giving up on your inner dreams is a form of suicide. When I first graduated from college, I did the "responsible" thing and began working in an office as a "paper pusher." I had always been a writer; but as an adult out of college I didn't take the leap to full-time writing because I was told and believed that that would be irresponsible and unrealistic. Everyone thought I was responsible for living life the way society thought I should live going to a "regular" job and getting a "regular" paycheck with benefits. And yes, if you asked them, they would probably say I was a "reasonable" person.

But then something happened. A disgruntled client came into our office and my life was endangered. I thought "Oh my God I could have died here today and I would have been living this hellish life. I would not have been living my dream." That was scary. The next day I gave the job my resignation letter and within about 2 months I was gone to live my life as a full-time writer. That was 5 years ago.

Fast forward five years later. I am a very UNREASONABLE person. I put me and my dreams FIRST. I take chances. I dare to live my life the way I WANT TO LIVE IT. I never apologize for living my life how I want. When I first became a full-time writer I experienced severe financial difficulties. But I finally figured out a way that I could live the life I wanted AND take care of the things of life--rent, food, clothing etc. LOL That took time, effort and lots of mistakes. (I am so sorry for the long post) I still experience ups and downs, make mistakes and I'm learning. I think many people do not want to fail; but what I have learned is that you MUST fail to become successful. Success includes failure and fear. Face the fear, embrace it and walk into. Move forward despite the fear.

You said:

This is why most people "live for the weekends." Most working people use weekends and too-rare vacations as a chance to recapture as much missed pleasure as possible. Meanwhile, their daily lives are filled with drudgery. For years. These years turn into decades. These decades turn into an entire lifetime filled with silent resentment about missed opportunities. And that's for people who are blessed to be employed.

My response:

Most people really do live lives of quiet desperation. I have lived like this and refuse to anymore. I believe that American society is very consumer oriented because people our trying to capture happiness and fulfillment by buying things with the money they work so hard for and sacrifice so much for. Before I set out to live my dreams, I would spend over $300 every month buying things. I needed to buy those things because I was sacrificing so much for that money I needed to see something tangible for the sacrifice. Now, I don't feel a need to buy ANYTHING. I literally buy NOTHING. Living my life everyday the way I want is enough. Also, my roommate is perplexed by me because I don't feel the need to be "busy" doing a bunch of "pleasurable" things in every spare moment I have--parties, events, festivals etc. Don't get me wrong I enjoy these things; but I don't NEED to do them. You see, my roommate works a job she HATES. She's in her 50's and has always worked jobs she hates because in her words "she doesn't have a choice." Therefore, anytime she gets some free time, she crams them with "pleasurable" things, while sometimes I just do nothing. Or I might go to the park and watch the birds, LOL, or something like that. I even get pleasure from the sun on my face, right now as I write this. You see, everyday is a pleasure for me because I'm living my life the way I want, my dream. Sometimes I have a bad day, sometimes I experience disappointment, sadness or fear; but for the most part everyday is a pleasure. I'm gong to shutup now because I think this just turned into a 6 page essay. LOL

AGREED. Thanks for this pithy post. I call it "The Princess Di Rule:" if it's to be expected of and/or for Princess Di? It's for me. You'd be surprised (no you wouldn't, actually) at the resistance BW can have to the mere THOUGHT of such. Thanks for reminding me of this rule and its reason. THANK YOU.

I haven't responded much to your "Wildest Dreams" posts, but this one resonated.

I have done the "unreasonable," in that I once gave up the safety of the traditional 9-5 when I decided to pursue a career in academia.

Some folks thought I was out of my mind. I had a secure and well-paying "govment job," in my early 20s, but I gave it up to pursue graduate school, a serious pay cut, and when the word in the academy said no one was getting jobs.

But I planned for it and saved for it. My parents' supportiveness was what got me through. I packed my bags, moved across the country and began graduate school. I learned the culture of what it would take to succeed.

Granted, it was tough, but I grew in the process, and in so many ways.

I did get a job, did well there, and then managed within a few years to transition into an allied academic field (I had planned for this, in order to cover my bases in the job market) that was far more lucrative.

I cringe to think what my life would have been like if I had done the reasonable thing: pursuing the secure, never taking chances, and in the end, never growing, but living instead, like Beverly described it, "a life of quiet desperation."

I loved the BMW story--let those haters eat your dust when they see you drive by in your ride!

I've been more or less doing what I wanted all along. The thing is, that I NO LONGER want what I've been doing! So now, I'm discontented. So far, I've only figured out pieces of what I DO want.

No, there is never a "right" time. There is only time. Time that passes. I'm freaked out by the fact that I know people who were my age who died over the past few years. And I know some others who are struggling with life-threatening ailments.

I like your idea of relocating to another country. That thought has crossed my mind as well. Although, the way I've envisioned it is living for alternating 4-month blocks in the US and in Europe and Panama. [Ana, I still haven't forgotten about Panama! LOL!] We'll see what happens. I might feel differently about all of this after I escape from needing my "day job."_________________

Hello there, Beverly!

There's no need to apologize. I LIKE "meaty," substantive responses. It gives me more to think about.

Yes, I agree that giving up on your dreams is a form of suicide. A drawn out and protracted form of suicide.You mentioned, "But then something happened. A disgruntled client came into our office and my life was endangered. I thought "Oh my God I could have died here today and I would have been living this hellish life. I would not have been living my dream." That was scary. The next day I gave the job my resignation letter and within about 2 months I was gone to live my life as a full-time writer. That was 5 years ago."

I've felt a similar way whenever I think about my peers who are now dead. Not to mention that I have at least one on-site coworker who could "go postal" at any time.You said, "Fast forward five years later. I am a very UNREASONABLE person. I put me and my dreams FIRST. I take chances. I dare to live my life the way I WANT TO LIVE IT. I never apologize for living my life how I want. When I first became a full-time writer I experienced severe financial difficulties. But I finally figured out a way that I could live the life I wanted AND take care of the things of life--rent, food, clothing etc. LOL That took time, effort and lots of mistakes.

...but what I have learned is that you MUST fail to become successful. Success includes failure and fear. Face the fear, embrace it and walk into. Move forward despite the fear."

{deep martial arts bow in salute}

I find that I'm becoming increasingly "unreasonable." This "becoming unreasonable" process is speeding up and escalating with me. The down side is that with each day I feel more disgruntled. The up side is that this is pushing me to something better and more satisfying.You said, "Most people really do live lives of quiet desperation. I have lived like this and refuse to anymore. I believe that American society is very consumer oriented because people our trying to capture happiness and fulfillment by buying things with the money they work so hard for and sacrifice so much for. Before I set out to live my dreams, I would spend over $300 every month buying things. I needed to buy those things because I was sacrificing so much for that money I needed to see something tangible for the sacrifice."

BINGO! That's what most consumerism is about.You said, "Now, I don't feel a need to buy ANYTHING. I literally buy NOTHING. Living my life everyday the way I want is enough. Also, my roommate is perplexed by me because I don't feel the need to be "busy" doing a bunch of "pleasurable" things in every spare moment I have--parties, events, festivals etc. Don't get me wrong I enjoy these things; but I don't NEED to do them."

This is the sensory type of consumerism. Having experiences that people have reached a consensus of defining them as "pleasurable."You said, "You see, my roommate works a job she HATES. She's in her 50's and has always worked jobs she hates because in her words "she doesn't have a choice." Therefore, anytime she gets some free time, she crams them with "pleasurable" things, while sometimes I just do nothing. Or I might go to the park and watch the birds, LOL, or something like that. I even get pleasure from the sun on my face, right now as I write this. You see, everyday is a pleasure for me because I'm living my life the way I want, my dream. Sometimes I have a bad day, sometimes I experience disappointment, sadness or fear; but for the most part everyday is a pleasure. I'm gong to shutup now because I think this just turned into a 6 page essay. LOL"

Again, THANK YOU for sharing details about what freedom is like. Those of us standing around in the "prison yard" NEED to hear detailed descriptions of the free life. It gives those of us who can't even imagine freedom an idea of what things could be like.___________________

You said, "I loved the BMW story--let those haters eat your dust when they see you drive by in your ride!"

Yes, the mental picture of rolling up there in a 7 series BMW is quite amusing. Even better is the mental picture of completing the process by quitting shortly thereafter! LOL!Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Hi Khadija! Long post alert!Forget my use of poor grammar, but I LURVE this post. *Visualizing Khadija in her sleek and sexay BMW*You said:I deserve to have whatever I want. This also is NOT about being reckless. If we look hard enough, we can find lower-risk ways of enjoying what we want. Doing so takes determination and creativity.Thank you for this - often, I am a tad leery of those who tout, "Pursue your dream! Find your bliss! No matter the cost!" and then use exceptional examples of individuals who took rather high risks and it worked out for them. What they don't talk about are those who don't have a plan, and go out on a whim without a strategy, and fail big-time. Nothing wrong with calculated risks. I have ordered Tim Ferris' book, and I can't wait to read it. I really enjoyed the post you linked to, as he really breaks things down into actionable, tangible steps towards your goals. I really appreciate those who have the ability to break things down practically. I was hoping Beverly would chime in on this post, as she's quite the inspiration for those of us pursuing the liberated lives we desire. *waves at Beverly*Beverly said:But then something happened. A disgruntled client came into our office and my life was endangered.

Wow! I'm glad that you weren't harmed in that incident. Thanks for always sharing your story with us. Go 'head, with your bad self!Living my life everyday the way I want is enough. Also, my roommate is perplexed by me because I don't feel the need to be "busy" doing a bunch of "pleasurable" things in every spare moment I have--parties, events, festivals etc. Don't get me wrong I enjoy these things; but I don't NEED to do them.Yes. This. Fabulous. PioneerValleyWoman said:Some folks thought I was out of my mind. I had a secure and well-paying "govment job," in my early 20s, but I gave it up to pursue graduate school, a serious pay cut, and when the word in the academy said no one was getting jobs.But I planned for it and saved for it.PVW, thanks for sharing your story as well. Great example of having an exit strategy to pursue what you really wanted. One of my mental mantras is "Dream big, execute well." That doesn't mean that there won't be setbacks or failure, but that you can power through the dip with the right focus. As Beverly said, move forward despite the fear. Speaking of the dip, there is a neat little book by Seth Godin - The Dip: A Little Book That Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick). It's a short and sweet read, but very practical. That said, I'm struggling with what that means for me, as I don't have a specific "thing," in terms of a career, that I really want. I know that I'm over the 9-to-5 grind, but I feel like I should KNOW exactly what it is I want.I know I want to be debt-free, particularly from credit card debt accumulated during my college years and early 20s, and I'm working my plan towards that (paid off 3 credit cards so far this year - take that, dastardly debt!). But I realized that I'd been in debt for so long, and singularly focused on that, that I didn't really have a plan for what to do with the increased disposable income. So I'm working towards saving 3 months of expenses, then 6 months, then 12 months.I know I'd love to travel more. I went to Italy for my birthday back in 2007, and had such a great time. It definitely sparked the dormant travel bug in me. So I'm saving towards a travel account as well.But figuring out what to do career-wise is a sticking point for me. It frustrates me, as I read of others who have identified their passion, and pursue it with vigor. I feel like I should KNOW, and I don't yet. I don't want to waste time, but I don't want to jump into anything without a plan, either (I really struggled financially in my early to mid 20s, and I have no desire to go back to that). Has anyone else struggled with this? If so, how to power through?

Like I told Beverly, I like "meaty," substantive comments! Yes, the mental picture of tooling around the job in the "sleek, sexay BMW" is an amusing one.

You said, "Thank you for this - often, I am a tad leery of those who tout, "Pursue your dream! Find your bliss! No matter the cost!" and then use exceptional examples of individuals who took rather high risks and it worked out for them. What they don't talk about are those who don't have a plan, and go out on a whim without a strategy, and fail big-time. Nothing wrong with calculated risks."

I don't like that "No matter the cost" approach either. And I suspect that some of those who advocate that are deliberately setting people up to fail in order to thin the ranks of any potential competition.You said "I have ordered Tim Ferris' book, and I can't wait to read it. I really enjoyed the post you linked to, as he really breaks things down into actionable, tangible steps towards your goals."

Yep. I'm so happy I found out about his book. I think it was from reading Beverly's blog. Isn't Beverly the bomb!

Thanks for mentioning the Seth Godin book---I'll check it out!Peace, blessings and solidarity.

The year that I turned 40 I gave up my 9-5 job and a condo in paradise and moved 5000 miles to a state I never stepped foot in. I bought a house and land sight unseen before I moved with CASH from selling my house- no mortgage, and severely paired down my debt enough to have small payments that could be handled with the cash flow I was left with.

I did this with 2 kids under the age of 12.

I could not wait until they were grown, I had to incorporate them into my plans! That had been one of the most mind boggling and scariest time I had to live through. However, I was determined not to fail at being successful in executing this.

It has been three, going on four years since I made that move....and one of the best things I have ever done.

I am continuing to rediscover and reinvent myself to my liking and as a bonus, my children are much much better off and thriving too.

My next dream goal is to move out of the country for a few years..maybe permanently.

You said, "The year that I turned 40 I gave up my 9-5 job and a condo in paradise and moved 5000 miles to a state I never stepped foot in. I bought a house and land sight unseen before I moved with CASH from selling my house- no mortgage, and severely paired down my debt enough to have small payments that could be handled with the cash flow I was left with.

I did this with 2 kids under the age of 12.

I could not wait until they were grown, I had to incorporate them into my plans!"

Wow! {deep martial arts bow} I'm scared of you! Good for you! And good for your kids! They're getting to see up close and personal how to make things happen; which I feel is one of the most valuable lessons one can teach.Peace, blessings and solidarity.

That said, I'm struggling with what that means for me, as I don't have a specific "thing," in terms of a career, that I really want. I know that I'm over the 9-to-5 grind, but I feel like I should KNOW exactly what it is I want.

My reply:

Have you thought of books like What Color is Your Parachute? (A great title, in light of the topic) or Do What You Are?

These are great for getting one to begin thinking about what one's true career interests are...

Go for it! The people on your job sound like they need to talk to Dr Phil. Vroom vroom!

I am totally in awe at the courage of the women who posted. These are wonderful examples to read and learn from.

I know what I want, but I have gone without so long in some areas that I feel like my want list is growing at exponential rates and I don't think I have the skills yet to create a good strategy to make certain things work out.

I am checking out the T.F. blog and may purchase the book to see what it is all about.

First and foremost, thank you and the wonderful women here on this blog for helping me uplift my friend Tamika - she is doing a little better, and I appreciate you all taking time out show some love!! May blessings rain on you all!!

ActsofFaith - I feel you! I have always been with who I wanted to be with, and you are right about the interest!! My crazy self has been wooed in England, France, and Venezuela! For some reason,tho, I think my soulmate is in Germany, so off I go to find him! Good luck to you!

As for being unreasonable, my way of late has been losing more and more weight, (despite being told that I will eventually look like a crackhead) and getting smaller than my "frenemies" - oooo how dare I go from Mammy to Whammy in such a short time! LOL! Being laid off has been the most rewarding, eye opening thing that has happened to me. When I was a 9-5er, it was always work, please, and work some more and for what? To be the first one ushered out when times got bad! Now I am writing, working on myself and my love life, and working on some money making ventures on the side!Next month, I am going to Cali - a vacation! Haven't had one of those in two years!

When I lunch with some of my former co-workers, they can't believe that I haven't found a "job" yet. I want to yell at them, "Nope, haven't found a job, but I did pick up a pretty nice life!!" Followed with a razzie..I feel every comment here, everyone who dares to buck the trends...

AAnd another wildest dream has come true: I am now a "runner". I can run(slow jog, whatever) almost a full four miles and I am forming something called glutes and quads on my legs. I know they are there, cuz they hurt a little.

Go get your BMW girl - and keep a lookout for me and my story......soon.....

Khadija,This is just spot on. I have done "reasonable" things all my life. I'm just bored and unfulfilled. I am using this time of healing to become whole.

I had begun to experience quite a bit of anxiety when I thought about returning to work (social work). I told the husband that I just couldn't investigate or hear another in-depth story of child abuse, neglect, murder, etc especially if I am the one having to find solutions or present to the court. Well, my doctor took care of that. During a follow up visit, my doc told me (very sternly) that I was in no frame of mind to deal with anyone else's problems. I was told to deal with myself and my own health then extended my medical leave well into next year with open ended responses as to when I'll be able to return to my current position.

When I got to my car I laughed hard and loud (laughing causes me extreme pain - chest, sides, head), but I laughed until I cried then laughed so more. I realized then that I could never heal well enough to sit for the psychology licensure exam because I DO NOT WANT to be a psychologist no matter how long it took me to write that dissertation. My doctorate is mine, I earned it and I can do whatever I want with it. I am FREE!

I am now searching to find what I WANT to do with my life. In doing so I can identify with Beverly, I have no desire to buy stuff or go to many places. I enjoy quiet time at the museum, art galleries, the beach. The husband and I went to an outdoor mall and I admired the architecture. Didn't want one material thing.

I am looking for and enjoying beauty in life. One day I figure out what I want to do, but in the meantime "I AM."

You said, "I have done "reasonable" things all my life. I'm just bored and unfulfilled. I am using this time of healing to become whole."

Now is the time!You said, "I had begun to experience quite a bit of anxiety when I thought about returning to work (social work)."

That's a strong signal NOT to go back to that. I agree that you should listen to that signal.

So many times, we really do know that something is no longer good for us but we return out of a misplaced sense of "duty" or obligation to "finish what we started." We are under NO obligation to "finish" ANYTHING that we start! Especially if it no longer works for us.You said, "I realized then that I could never heal well enough to sit for the psychology licensure exam because I DO NOT WANT to be a psychologist no matter how long it took me to write that dissertation. My doctorate is mine, I earned it and I can do whatever I want with it. I am FREE!"

This is the reason why the expression "That was then, this is now" sums up so many situations. When something belongs to you (like your degree), you can do anything you want with it. Including walk away from it.

The previous path you (me, too! LOL!) were on was good for then, but this is now. Things have changed. It's perfectly okay to walk away from something that has become "played out" and into the next thing.

The other moral of your (and my) story is that it's time for BW to STOP going into "helping" professions and careers!

BW need to STOP:

1-Teaching at the non-university level.

2-Participating in social work in any capacity.

3-Participating in anything at all that involves servicing the Black poor and underclass.

It's important for us to recognize that all of the helping stuff is on BW's backs. BM professionals generally DON'T go into "helping" sorts of jobs or careers. They're generally NOT spending their work life trying to uplift downtrodden Black folks. They're too busy pursuing their own bliss.

BW need to catch the hint and do likewise!

My questions are: Who helps the BF "helpers"? What is any of this sort of activity doing for the BF "helpers"? Answer: Nothing except creating mental burdens that burn people out. TIME OUT on this helping stuff!Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Hagar's Daughter, I am so there with you. I too have advanced degrees in social work and know that I can never, ever go back. My bliss is writing. Always has been, always will be. I get asked all the time, 'You spent all that money on that degree, and now you don't even use it.' Or, 'I can't believe someone with advanced degrees writes 'dirty' books.' Yep, that's me. I get more joy and pleasure out of knowing that people love and enjoy my books than I ever did out of social services. Social services is a sewer where you spend all your time shoveling other folks' excrement. Sorry, I'm better than that. I'm smart and talented and I deserve to do work that other people love and appreciate. Even more importantly, that I love and appreciate.

My degree is mine. Paid for with my own blood, sweat and tears. Whether I ever use it again no one can take that away from me. I spent a lot of time regretting the time (and money) I spent acquiring that degree, but I realize that I was making decisions based on what my situation was at the time. My situation and my outlook is totally different now, and I must behave accordingly.

I strongly discourage black women from pursuing the social work field. It is nothing but a ghetto. Get out and don't look back.

I don't think BW need to stop, per se, I just think that alot of us need to broaden our horizons and think further down into the future. I remember when alot of Black folks were making noise about how great it is that Barack Obama went into community organising. I was like, um, I know of LOADS of BW who are in similar professions. It's a big deal becuase it is a man? Please!

I know a girl who got grief from her family because she wanted to be a pilot(as a profession). Her relatives were like, how does that help people? They felt she should put her energy into work that 'lifts' people(i.e poor black people) out of strife. This is someone whose brother was a bank manager. For some strange reason, they didn't expect him to go into social work.

The key idea is for BW to go where our efforts and talents are APPRECIATED.

Our efforts in the "helping" fields are not appreciated. In fact, Blacks have made a tradition out of insulting the Black people who service their needs. Think about the dismissive attitude that most Negroes and colored girls have about teachers. Meanwhile, most AAs use the public schools as a free babysitting service.

Blacks generally don't understand that those of us who (made the mistake and) went into public service DON'T have to be bothered. We really do have other, more rewarding, things that we can do with our time instead of trying to help THEM.

GENERATIONS of AA women have devoted their working lives to serving Blacks. And what did they get in return? Disrespect from the Black folks they served, stress and aggravation. And the pleasure of being made the scapegoats for mass AA cultural failures.

Remember this the next time you hear Negroes and colored girls "dogging out" the public schools. It's too long for me to get into here, but most of the failures of the public schools are the result of educators humoring trifling Black parents' demands. For just one example of this, look up the concept of "social promotion."

Time out on that. Time out on BW funnelling themselves into the helping fields. It's time for us to seek our bliss just like everybody else does.

My degree is mine. Paid for with my own blood, sweat and tears. Whether I ever use it again no one can take that away from me. I spent a lot of time regretting the time (and money) I spent acquiring that degree, but I realize that I was making decisions based on what my situation was at the time. My situation and my outlook is totally different now, and I must behave accordingly.

My reply:

I don't believe anybody should ever regret gaining education and training that enables her survival. I can understand regretting the application, but not the training.

I think it is about "thinking outside the box." For example, I know that an MSW is a basic for social work. Nothing wrong with getting the training; however, the application might not be the best.

I wonder, might there be applications no one is talking about that might not entail the type of gravedigger career track that you, Hagar's Daughter and Khadija are talking about?

Like you said, it was what you did at the time, and now that your circumstances are different, you must act accordingly.

On the other hand, I imagine you have a skill set and knowledge base from your social work training and experience that is useful to you now as you raise your son and think of his future.

I just found your blog today, and I really appreciate your posts. I have to admit, I'm kind of a small thinker (making it easy to give up on the important, self-sustaining things.) Your posts have been a real eye opener.

You said, "I just found your blog today, and I really appreciate your posts. I have to admit, I'm kind of a small thinker (making it easy to give up on the important, self-sustaining things.) Your posts have been a real eye opener."

Nah...I don't believe that you're a "small thinker." You couldn't be a small thinker and also hang around here! There are NO comfort zones here. Not even for me as I listen to, and consider, what other discussion participants are saying. LOL!