Mr President, I know my life is coming to an end. Please, don’t let me die in prison. I feel the end coming. But I don’t want to die in prison like common jailhouse scum.

O.J. always did have a way with words. I mean, after his speech and language training. As a college baller at USC he was completely illiterate and unable to form sentences when speaking. The Juice wants Obama to let him loose before he dies of a brain tumor and diabetes so he can go cut a few more bitches and also give Khloe the Darth Vader speech about her true lineage. Seems fair to me. He did decapitate his ex-wife and a waiter in a jealous coke rage, but that was in the last millennium. He’s not asking for a pardon, those are saved for people who actually donate money to politicians, he just wants clemency. It doesn’t even need to be formal. Just leave his cell ajar at night and maybe unlock one of the side doors out of the prison. You can even shoot him a couple times in the legs, his knees are all crap now anyhow. Just let him breathe the air of freedom one last time. If anyone deserves a little kindness, it’s O.J.