All schools should require uniforms. I came to this conclusion while discussing the fate of human existence if the Yellowstone volcano should erupt.

I guess there isn’t quite a linear progression from the whole of human kind being wiped out to school kids not being able to do fashion shows, but stick with me here…I promise that I will write more. Whether or not you will continue reading or be entertained is up to you.

The truth is that I never think about what might happen if ash snubs out all living things, or if the “big one” hits and this whole place is going to be Life After People. What I do think about is whether or not my kids will be okay when they start school or if I need to watch some more Lifetime movies about cyber-bullying to bone up on what i need to do to protect them.

If Joey had a Lifetime movie about bullying made it would be called Tracks to Puberty: a story about the teenager who loved Thomas the Train too damn much.

I think if Franky had a Lifetime movie about bullying made, he wouldn’t be the victim. I would like to think that he also wouldn’t be the bully either…we might need to watch that with him. Regardless, I think the title might be something like Playground to Prison Yard.

The fact is that all school situations, whether they be public or private, put a bunch of kids who are different in an environment and expect them to treat each other the same. It’s not going to happen. The only reason adults manage this feat is because we have been taught and conditioned. And let’s face it, not all adults are able to muster up manners and compassion enough not to be total ass-hats.

As a parent it is my job to try and prevent my kids from becoming social outcasts who are miserable or popular fuckwads who treat people like shit. If you’re a good parent, it’s the time in your kids’ life where you would really like them to just be in the middle of the pack. Not the most popular, and not a Napoleon Dynamite…but just a nice kid with a solid group of friends who aren’t into huffing, black magic or One Direction.

As a service to my fraction of a One Direction fanbase, I have decided to share some parenting tricks to help you direct your child into the best possible social position.

If your is a total asshole because they are never told “no”…you need to stop that shit right now. Not only will it make them unlikable in school, but the rest of the world would just really appreciate it. Tell that shitty kid of yours that their glory days are over and shit is about to get real. You may want to show them some 80s movie villains to show them the error of their ways. May I suggest James Spader’s character in Pretty In Pink. Also, try slapping them up a little bit.

Personal hygiene is really a must. If your kid has an odor or is at any time secreting anything, you need to get that shit under control. Do not have the smelly kid. There is really no recovery from that stigma.

Please give your kids the tools they need to manage their emotions. I think we all remember the kid in school who became disproportionately upset over being “out” in kickball. That kid was usually labeled a “Spaz”. Now, that is not to say that there aren’t kids out there who honestly come by their emotional problems, I am not talking about those cases. I am talking about jerks…see the first bullet to learn how to deal with such kids.

Lastly, there is appearance. I didnt add this topic to the bulleted list because it’s usually the most difficult concept to swallow. We want to teach our kids that the clothes you wear aren’t important, it’s your gentle little snowflake spirit that people should like…but that just ain’t how life’s ball bounces, is it?

Nope.

So, what do we do? How do we walk the thin line between giving in to your child’s social pressure to have the best of the new “it” items and letting them run around being the teenage tapered sweatpants kid? Can we guide these impressionable, yet hard headed buffoons toward the path of dressing in accordance with the social group they most identify?

I’m not saying that all kids should be wearing the same, run of the mill clothing. I am saying that if your little Johnny Goth wants to dress like his gothy friends, that’s okay, but don’t let him be rejected by having his only black piece of clothing be an old blouse of his mother’s. Also, don’t waste your money on all of the Hot Topic crap that he thinks he needs. Even goth kids who fancy themselves as individuals and super deep can turn into entitled assholes.

But none of this would matter if all schools would just require a uniform and only school sanctioned accessorizing. Right?

So, you may be thinking, “My KehVaughn needs to express himself in any way he wants.” First of all, it’s “Kevin” bitch. And no…no he doesn’t. It’s a place of learning, not a fucking fashion show or a display of the depth of mommy and daddy’s pockets.

The fact is that public schools are basically socialist institutions anyway. I know a lot of you just gasped, but it’s true. It’s a government run program that is available to everyone…um…hello? There is a formula and curriculum followed in order to create a body of people capable of contributing to society and the workforce. Do ya feel me now?

Uniforms would level the playing field of this already standardized institution. Having all kids be told what to wear will help lessen the us vs. them attitudes of both rich and poor and popular and unpopular. No one is going to know how much a pair of khaki pants and a blue polo shirt cost from the school store and no one is going to fucking care!

Girls will not have to be subjected to unfair and sexist dress codes because they are a “distraction”. As long as the Catholic school girl image is not perpetuated, every kid can attend school to learn and not be “bothered” by the fact that females have legs and boobs. I’m not saying that girls should have to cover up in order to other students to learn, but if the rules were the same for everyone it might just help kids keep their head in the game a little bit more.

So, there you have it. From volcanoes and the end of human existence to smart little jumpers and button-down shirts. You’re welcome, society.