This is awesome Buddy I've been seeking the ballad of Onan before posting. Felt you would enjoy it. It's by the Poggy Bastards if you want to look for it. We want to see you do at least most of the good books =p no need to do the super boring stuff.

I'm not a non believer, I believe in the possibility of anything. I just don't let the actuality of something be determined by a 3rd party.

Leviticus starts off with a bang. The first 10 chapters are detailed instructions for your animal sacrifices. That's right. 10 chapters. 252 verses instructing you to kill and flay and skin and burn and gut and cut off pieces and rub blood on parts of your body and remove the organs and place the bloody pieces in a pool of blood on sacrificial altars to appease the blood thirsty Lord.

The Lord spends more time instructing the procedures for the animal sacrifices than he does with any other subject in the Bible. So clearly this is important. So why aren't Christians offering animal blood to God these days? Well because it's archaic and inconvenient. The same reason they aren't wearing white robes of unmixed fibers and growing out their beards and avoiding their menstruating wives.

Christians didn't want to put forth the life altering effort that the Bible commands (and end up Hasidic Jews) so they claimed that the crucifixion relieved them of all the Old Testament laws. But if that is the case, then why did God put forth these laws in the first place? If he's omniscient then he knew that his son (or himself reincarnate... who knows?) would nullify the previous rules so what was the point in making them?

-Then the Lord explains that after a woman gives birth, she is unclean, much like during and after her period (God seems to hate women). If she gives birth to a female, she is twice as unclean and must do a purification ritual for a few weeks, then kill a lamb and put it on a priest's doorstep.

12:8 "And if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons; the one for the burnt offering, and the other for a sin offering: and the priest shall make an atonement for her, and she shall be clean."

-It just seems like God wants her to kill something. "I don't care. Just grab a rock and smash the head of the nearest living animal, preferably a bunny. For I am the Lord, thy God."

The next 116 verses are spent discussing leprosy. Which is strange that the book from the all-knowing creator would discuss a disease specific to that time period. He didn't bother to mention aids or bubonic plague or malaria. He just thought it prudent to only mention this one specific affliction. And his suggestion for curing it? You guessed it. More animal sacrifices. I'm starting to think that God created all these animals just to kill them off.

BIBLE'S CURE FOR LEPROSY:

Get 2 birds. Kill one and dip the living one in the dead bird's blood and sprinkle yourself with the blood 7 times. Now go kill Lambchop and smear lamb blood on yourself 7 times. Find 2 more birds and repeat the first step.

14:21 "And if he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved, to make an atonement for him, And two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, such as he is able to get; and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering."

-Once again, even though the Lord was very specific at first... it really doesn't matter. Just kill something and roll around in its blood. Blood orgy is the name of the game here.

15:19 "And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even."

15:20 "And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean."

-A woman on the rag is a disgusting thing. Anywhere she sits or touches is then unclean. At this point I would like to recommend a book called "The Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs.

To avoid sitting where his disgusting bleeding wife has sat he carries with him a collapsible wooden chair that he also uses on subways and public places. He also wears a robe, blows a ram's horn, and wears the appropriate beard and tassel combination that the lord requires, all within the confines of New York City.

15:29 "And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation."

15:30 "And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness."

-That's right. Every time any woman is done menstruating she must kill 2 turtles or 2 pigeons. Seems like we would almost have to breed mass amounts just to keep up. I mean Los Angeles alone has a population of 10 million. Assuming 5 million of those are female, and say only 2 million are in the Age of Menstruation... that's still 4 million turtle/pigeons we're slaughtering every month. For christ's sakes Bible, think outside the box.

Then the Lord trademarks the term "scapegoat" in which you take 2 goats, kill one, sprinkle its blood on the living goat 7 times and send the living goat off into the desert, carrying all your sins with it.

-The author of Leviticus seems to be stuck on this one idea. Killing one of two animals and sprinkling the blood 7 times. Seems to be the trick for any ailment you have. After rubbing his nipples and talking about animal sacrifices again, the Lord brings up the notorious passage:

18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

-Boom. There it is. The source of all those God Hates Fags signs and vitriol spewing from the mouths of the soulless cunts with lives so empty that they seek justification through the condemnation of others.

But...

The previous 17 chapters immediately preceding this passage was an in-depth instruction manual on how to mutilate and offer up your dead animals on sacrificial altars. And we seem to have completely disregarded all that as primal and barbaric, yet we embrace this equally primitive dictum as absolute law? (Did someone say cherry picking?)

[Insert funny gay picture here... I made the mistake of googling "gay pic"]

If the Bible was one page long and was made up of Leviticus 19:9 - 19:18, it would be worth following. Don't lie, don't steal, be kind to others, don't judge, don't gossip, don't hate thy brother. Simple. Short. Good intentioned. Though the Lord doesn't seem to follow the "love thy neighbor as thyself" bit, since he's constantly commanding warfare against neighboring factions.

19:26 Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times.
19:27 Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.
19:28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

-Don't eat bloody things, or use magic or astrology. Don't trim your hair or beard. Don't get a tattoo. What? You're starting to lose me, God. Where are all these random, arbitrary rules coming from? It just seems like you're bored and trying to see how far you can push us. And I like the interspersed usage of I AM THE LORD, BITCH just to reiterate how awesome you are in case we forgot.

20:10 And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

-Don't drink another man's Kool-aid. I don't mind this law so much. Your woman cheats on you? Kill both those motherfuckers. Pop pop.

20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

-A little man on man action? They both die. In no uncertain terms. And yet homosexual christians still exist.

20:27 A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.

-Those damn wizards again with their demonic Quidditch!

21:18 For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,

21:19 Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,

21:20 Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;

-Yes! Another of my favorites. God hates the ugly, the blind, the handicapped, people with limps, people with bad backs or busted hands, people with broken nuts, midgets, and pirates.

22:30 "On the same day it shall be eaten up; ye shall leave none of it until the morrow: I am the LORD."

22:32 "Neither shall ye profane my holy name; but I will be hallowed among the children of Israel: I am the LORD which hallow you,"

22:33 "That brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: I am the LORD."

-BAM! BAM! BAM! Oh did you forget who was talking motherfucker?? It's the LORD punk ass! Make sure you take out the trash before dinner... I AM THE LORD! AWWW YEAAAAAH. 4 straight verses in a row stroking the Lord's ego.

The Lord closes out this chapter by threatening his people with violence if they don't obey.

26:21 And if ye walk contrary unto me, and will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins.

26:22 I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children , and destroy your cattle, and make you few in number; and your high ways shall be desolate.

26:23 And if ye will not be reformed by me by these things, but will walk contrary unto me;

26:24 Then will I also walk contrary unto you, and will punish you yet seven times for your sins.

26:25 And I will bring a sword upon you, that shall avenge the quarrel of my covenant: and when ye are gathered together within your cities, I will send the pestilence among you; and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy.

26:30 And I will destroy your high places, and cut down your images, and cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you.

26:31 And I will make your cities waste, and bring your sanctuaries unto desolation, and I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours.

26:32 And I will bring the land into desolation: and your enemies which dwell therein shall be astonished at it.

Etc etc etc

And finally, the Lord makes sure every knows that a woman is worth 50% of a man's worth in shekels. All praise the kind and generous Lord.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."

Well... 3 hours to read it, decide which parts are ridiculous enough to post, then form a cogent, yet humorous paragraph.

Once my brain adjusts to the Olde English style of writing, I can usually finish the thing in 8 hours or so if I'm reading it as an entertaining book of fiction. Stopping and pondering the meaning of life every few sentences can slow you down though.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."

(13-04-2011 12:49 AM)Firestorm2408 Wrote: I literally just registered to this forum for the sole purpose of telling you to keep these posts up I LOVE THEM!

I'm gonna go check out the other stuff now and maybe introduce myself but know that it was your awesomeness and yours alone that made me actually make an account good sir!

Agreed! Well written and very entertaining!

A gift for Buddy Christ.. What can I do for you?
How about I put '666 likes given' in your profile? I know you don't like all our inane ramblings about giggling babies...
I was thinking if you like 666 things it might be easier to explain than liking 1 thing.. I don't know.. Only for you though, so no one else ask cos I'm not going around doing manual edits for every user.