THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR. Worth Knowing.

Kinky Friedman Rides To The Rescue

"I'm trying not to make this sound like an idiot's story from a mental hospital," says Kinky Friedman.

But Friedman -- leader of the legendary '70s country group Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys and now an accomplished mystery writer -- is off and running, explaining how he helped found the Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch in Utopia, Texas, a place dedicated to getting unwanted and abused dogs off death row and into good homes.

"What started it for me was Mr. Magoo, a dog I inherited from the pound," he says. "Magoo was about four inches long with his eyes still closed when a friend of mine got him from the pound. Somebody had just left him on the porch of the pound. This friend rescued him, bottle fed him . . . and (eventually) Magoo came over to me."

Friedman's story next moves to a Texas highway, where three years ago he found a kitten that had been shot. "He was four or five inches long, and some great white hunter had shot him in the leg," he says. "I took him to the vet, and about $1,300 later they had saved him."

Friedman spends a good portion of his time in New York and Hawaii and on book tours (his 12th mystery, "Spanking Watson," came out last fall), and he needed someone to watch his animals when he was out of town. The pets would invariably end up at the Utopia ranch of longtime friend Nancy Parker.

In May of 1998, Friedman told Parker he wanted to talk to her and her friend Tony Simons (now her husband). Friedman had a plan: to turn their place into the Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch. Parker and Simons, hardcore animal lovers with a dozen dogs, a couple of cats, about 20 sheep and some ducks, didn't need a lot of convincing. The next step was to convert the seven-acre ranch into a shelter. Friedman sent out a letter to 5,000 people, explaining what he was doing and seeking their help. Country singer Willie Nelson, former Texas Gov. Ann Richards and U.S. Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas), among others, agreed to serve on the ranch's advisory board. By September of 1998, Friedman was ready for Phase 2.

And this part does sound a little crazy.

He, Parker and his sister Marcie went to pounds in Kerrville and Hondo, Texas, liberating more than 40 dogs that were scheduled to be euthanized ("very Robin Hood-like," Friedman notes). The dogs were taken to a vet, where they were spayed or neutered and given shots. Then it was off to the ranch, about 90 miles west of San Antonio.

"This place is like a happy orphanage," Friedman says. "The animals have a wonderful time because Nancy and Tony shower them with love."

Parker and Simons do the day-to-day work on the ranch, feeding, washing, grooming, exercising and cleaning up after the dogs. It's a full-time job for which they get minimum wage (it's a non-profit operation). Friedman gets nothing but satisfaction.

In the 16 months that the Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch has been in operation, more than 130 dogs have been adopted. "And by adopted, I mean going to a great home," Friedman says. Right now there are another 48 waiting.

"I can't tell you how many of these dogs came from really horrible circumstances," Friedman says. "If you heard these stories, you'd lose any shard of respect you have for people."

Roscoe's story is typical. Marcie Friedman was picking up some dogs at a vet's office when someone came in and said a dog had been hit by a car down the road. The dog was brought in and it was discovered that she was pregnant; she miscarried and only one pup survived -- Roscoe. The vet didn't think the mother could be saved and wanted to put her down, but Marcie wouldn't have it. Three surgeries later, the mother dog was saved and today works on a neighboring ranch herding sheep. And Roscoe? He was adopted by Parker, who couldn't bear to part with him (check out his mug shot on the ranch's Web page and you'll see why).

With an estimated 8 million to 12 million dogs and cats put to sleep in the U.S. each year, the Utopia Ranch can't make much of a dent. And Friedman knows it.

"It's very unrealistic, and we all know it's not doing any good in the world. This is just a drop in the bucket," he says. "Anyway, I'm fed up with people."

Maybe, but he still has enough faith in humanity to throw an annual benefit-the Bone-I-Fit, he calls it-to raise funds for the ranch. Last year's event was "kind of like a Texas Woodstock," Friedman says, with musicians Jimmie Dale Gilmore, Jerry Jeff Walker, Lee Roy Parnell, James McMurtry and Joe Ely, among others, on the bill. This year he has convinced pal Dwight Yoakam to headline the event, planned for March 25.

Until then, the ranch relies on volunteers and friends to survive.

"I always tell people that any donation they make, any help they give us, is opening the gates of heaven just a little wider," Friedman says.

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For more information on the Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch, or to learn how to open those gates of heaven a little wider, go to www.utopiarescue.com or call 830-966-2495.