Dined Out: This Little Piggy Had Roast Beef

This
Little Piggy Had Roast Beef, a new roast beef place from the folks
behind the popular Artichoke’s pizza operation,
opened recently at 1st Avenue and 9th Street, which sharp-eyed
readers will recognize as being remarkably convenient to the Awl
offices. As a service to those of you who like roast beef, and
because we were both really hungry, we grabbed a couple of
sandwiches for lunch today. Our tasting notes follow.

Choire: Thanks for bringing me that 14 inch
long pile of meat and bread!Choire: Now I can’t work.BALK: My fingers are much more mottled than usual
as well.BALK: But HOW WAS YOUR BEEF?Choire: I would describe it as “delicious”? It was
covered in JUS and a decent, if slightly stringy, mozzarella.BALK: I went for the cheese whiz, just so we might
offer the broadest possible amount of coverage to our audience. I
found it to be excellent. Juicy, the bread softening as you ate it
but not to be point that it completely collapsed, the meat not
fatty, etc.Choire: I admire their support of the traditional
Cheez Whiz Cheese Product, though of course I will never bring
myself to put it inside me.BALK: That sounds similar to something she said,
etc. It was just fine! I mean, it’s not a cheese steak, since it is
roast beef, but the whiz worked fine for what it was. Now, I know
your particular food issues, in that you won’t just eat any old
crap even out of necessity, so lemme ask you: Does this pass the
Choire Sicha purity test?Choire: There’s no way to say this without
sounding like a B-rate gay version of Julie Klausner, but
basically, I tried not to think about the provenance of the meat
when I put it in my mouth.Choire: I don’t care where that meat came
from!Choire: It was tasty!Choire: It is probably hooves and whatnots?Choire: But I finished that thing off.Choire: (God. I know)BALK: I saw it resting in the tray when I went to
pick it up, it looked like an actual roast beef.BALK: But.BALK: We need to discuss the salt issue.Choire: Jesus Christ.BALK: I am a GIGANTIC proponent of salt.BALK: I salt my bacon, and then I salt the salt on
the bacon.BALK: One of my biggest sexual fantasies is to
perform cunnilingus on Lot’s wife.BALK: I am a man who LIKES HIS SALT. And I’ve got
to say?BALK: That roast beef was SALTY. Like, if I’m ever
going to have that heart attack I’ve been working up to, it’s gonna
be today.Choire: Yes. I actually don’t… I don’t feel
right?BALK: Are you getting the tingling thing down the
arm?Choire: No! Though I did have that the other
night? I mean, I feel bad, not in the way, like, OMG BAD MEAT? But
like, “Oh I have a cup of salt inside me that I cannot dilute even
with this 33.8 ounce container of seltzer!”Choire: The sneaky thing is: we didn’t realize
this WHILE we were eating!Choire: Which is what makes the sandwich
magical.BALK: I know, it just tasted great!BALK: And then… jdkvngekjrgvbsvbjjvk.BALK: So I guess we should tell the roast beef
fans of New York that they will enjoy this sandwich, but they
should call their cardiologist in advance?Choire: Jesus. Also, why was mine, on the hero, so
goddamned immense, while yours, on the roll, rather petite???BALK: I think they took a look at me and decided I
didn’t need it?BALK: No, actually I guess the “this way” (whiz)
comes on a roll while the fancy-pants “that way” (fresh mozz) comes
on a hero.BALK: (They also offer pastrami, but God knows how
many mounds of sodium that contains.)Choire: Wikipedia doesn’t have an article on salt
poisoning, so I’ll never know if I’m potentially a victim. But I
think we do agree: WE ENDORSE THIS SANDWICH. (Do not take
internally more often than once a week.)BALK: I agree.BALK: And.BALK: [Dies]