Sunday, September 18, 2011

Bebe's Kids: The Worst SNES Game Ever

This may be the worst game I've ever played. Much has been written about this game on the internet already, but most of it only pertained to the first two levels, since very few people have ever had the steel balls necessary to forge onward past that. Luckily, I DO have steel balls, and the clanking that they make during sex is what will ruin all three of my future marriages. Thus, I went so far as to actually beat the game, stopping only occasionally to check the walls of my soundproof, padded room for an escape. I'll be covering the entirety of Bebe's Kids in this post, something that, to my knowledge, has never been done this way on the internet. And if someone has done this, let me know so I can ask them how they keep their steel balls from clanking during sex.

Yes, that's right. The company that made this game was called Mandingo. As far as I know, Mandingo only made this one game before going bankrupt. Which makes this The Best Mandingo Game Of All Time by default. Being the top Mandingo game is like being the deadliest baby in a one-baby crib.

This game was licensed by Nintendo. Yes, it even got the Nintendo Seal of Quality™. How did this happen? I demand answers, Nintendo! Be that as it may, the title screen is a pretty clear indication of the horrors that await. A heavily-synthesized, roughly four-second beat plays over and over ad nauseum while a voice, one that is clearly supposed to sound hip and cool, says "Hey Yo! Bebe's Kids!" over and over again. I can just see the people who came up with this game giving each other high fives after designing this title screen.

Mandingo Exec 1: "BEHOLD! LOOK AT ALL THAT 'TUDE!"

Mandingo Exec 2: "The kids will love it!"

Here are our heroes, the fearsome midget Kahlil and the massively deformed Lashawn. You can choose which one to play through the game as, but the difference between them is negligible. It's like getting to choose which kidney Mike Tyson punches you in.

Who is that strange misshapen man in a red hat? And why does the baby look stoned out of his mind?

Here are the rules in question. Just losing bevis or vibes individually would be bad enough, but BOTH? HOW WILL WE LIVE?

Lashawn has a bizarre walk. I'm sure the fellas at Mandingo HQ thought this was hip, but it comes across as spastic and borderline retarded.

The battle is joined, as Lashawn beats up the hapless employees of FunWorld. This would be a good time to mention that the game really isn't all that difficult. Nowhere near what the reputation it has would indicate. The key is to never use regular attacks at all, since they're completely useless. Instead, hold down R all the time when attacking and your character will do uppercuts that do about 30 times as much damage as regular punches. No, seriously. The game seems designed under the impression that the player will do just this, since it takes dozens of regular punches to take down a single enemy. Why even have regular punches in the game?

At first I thought that these guys couldn't actually attack, because they usually just slowly walk around randomly without doing anything. But... if you stand still long enough, and one comes over, and you don't attack... well, he'll stop and stand there for a few seconds. While the player sweats and trembles with suspense... nothing happens. If you continue to not attack, the guy will eventually strike with what can only be described as a pelvic thrust. Because if I were in a street fight, my go-to move would be to thrust my pelvis at my foes. NO QUESTION.

I still don't know if this guy is the nefarious Bebe, but it looks like he's about to punch Kahlil in the face. From these "cutscenes" it's difficult to tell what the plot of the game is, but whatever it is I'm sure it's a gripping tale.

Here's the completely nonsensical House of Glass level. Much has been written on this. You don't beat up Bebe, you don't beat up the tot, you don't help catch plates... no, you break 'em in midair. Even though they'd break anyway when they HIT THE FLOOR. Logic!

While at first I thought that the characters were largely two sides of the same coin, at this point I can safely say that Lashawn is a worse character than Kahlil. They both have the exact same attacks (and attack power, I assume), but Lashawn, due to her gigantic, stupid head, is an easier target for enemies and tends to get knocked around a lot.

Here's the Haunted House. This was as far as most of the people who played this seemed to get, and I can understand why. It's a nonsensical maze of rooms that look nearly exactly alike and doors that teleport you from one room to another with little rhyme or reason. This place makes as much sense as the Bush Administration.

You might say, hey, that isn't so bad, just keep taking doors until you eventually find the exit. Problem is, there's a TIME LIMIT, in what is perhaps the worst application of a time limit that I've ever seen in a game. The time limit is so short that the only way through is to have the exact route on hand. ...which I did this time, and I still made it out with a few seconds on the clock, as you can see. What the hell? How was anyone supposed to get through this before the internet existed?

And your reward for getting through the part of the game that almost no one ever got through? ...a repeat of level 1! The only major difference is that the "RULES" sign is gone. Are we to act under the assumption that the bans on bevis and vibes have been lifted?

Here's what happens when you pause the game. Youth verbiage like "chillin" means this game is CUTTING-EDGE!

"Vintage Bebe!"

Next up, for no apparent reason, our heroes assault a pirate ship. What did those pirates ever do to them? I may or may not be "down to take 'em on", but I know one thing: Only handing out condoms at Comic-Con would have less of a point than this game.

No skate boarding? WHY WOULD ANYONE SKATE BOARD ON A PIRATE SHIP?

Mandingo Exec A: "This game is so hip! Look at how we mention skate boarding!"

Mandingo Exec B: "The kids will love it!"

Punch these guys a few times and their pants fall down. That's exposure to a minor, pal!

Inside the cabin are skinny pirates. These guys give me my first death of the playthrough, as I somehow get caught between them and pummelled to death without being able to move the whole time. By Jove, this game is so bad that it makes my brain hurt.

Here's the first of the two bosses in the game, the pirate boss. Instead of just moving and standing around the screen aimlessly like every other enemy, he jumps and attacks and everything! It's like I'm playing a normal game!

After winning, you discover that... he was a terminator all along! DAMMIT CONNOR, GET OUT OF THERE!

Peewee has been saved. Thank God. Just... thank God.

Despite finding stoned baby extraordinaire Peewee, the game still isn't over. With little else to do, Lashawn ducks into a building that is clearly marked "keep out".

Yeah! Not listening to signs is hip to the max! Besides, whoever the un-hip loser is that put up the "keep out" sign is probably the same asshole who hates bevis, vibes, and skateboarding.

Next up is a warehouse where you get attacked by the tag team of some sort of blue bra wearing mascot and... Richard Nixon. It should also be mentioned that the "music" here includes a voice saying "Gotta Go Gotta Go" every couple seconds... the thing is, when this ten second long musical "track" loops, the voice sample gets scrambled momentarily, and with the limited sound channels, that point of looping sounds like "Gotta Gold Cock!"

.......seriously.

And what in the hell is this guy supposed to be? Is he the one with the Gold Cock in question?

...........

"Gotta Gold Cock!"

The heroic Lashawn does battle with an evil Nutcracker miniboss, who I have reason to believe is the one who banned bevis and vibes. "Yes, yes, all goes according to plan" says Nixon in the background.

This is it! The final boss. Soon, the game will be mercifully over.

At the beginning of the fight you can pick up... well, something that can only be described as turd-esque. It's a throwing weapon with four shots. I don't know what it's supposed to be, but given that it looks exactly like droppings, I'll have to operate on good faith that it is indeed a fistful of poo. Whatever this mysterious substance is, it does huge amounts of damage. If you manage to hit the boss with all four shots, that'll likely end the fight right there. Miss all four times, and the fight will take ages with regular strikes. Bizarre game design.

When he's almost defeated, his head flies off and starts firing sparks everywhere. This is the point where things can go south. Again, I need to make special mention of the soundtrack. The music for this final battle consists of a synthesized voice going "Too Strong!" over and over again. I'm guessing this was supposed to be a "bad ass" tune. I can see it now...

Mandingo Exec A: "For the last fight music, we'll loop a rapper going "Too Strong" over and over! Because the end bad guy is too strong!"

Mandingo Exec B: "The kids will love it!"

A few jump kicks later, and the fight is over. Really, not difficult, but woe to you if you're using one of those controllers that has an eight-way D-Pad. This game loves to move you vertically when you only intend to move horizontally, and that'll cause basically all attacks to miss this boss. So don't use one of those pads. Better yet, don't play this game... ever. There are many other things one can do with the time this game takes to beat. Things that are more productive than playing Bebe's Kids. For instance, running into traffic.

I don't know what's going on in this picture, but it looks like the park is on fire. Dammit Peewee, this is what happens when you leave a lit blunt laying around!

For the big ending, the baby from hell does something with some power cords and the lights go out. And...er... that's about it. Yep, that's the ending you get for beating the game. So worth it!

Roll credits. It's no exxageration to say that there were about EIGHT PEOPLE TOTAL on these credits. No wonder. In a stunning display of nepotism, the music guy and the "quality assurance" guy seem to be related (or married). I hope all eight of the people who worked on this game are proud of themselves for making the worst game I've ever had the misfortune of finishing.

And that's it. After the five seconds of credits, it deposits you back on the title screen like it expects you to start a new game. Because lord knows the first thing most people would do after finishing Bebe's Kids is start over from the beginning and experience the thrill ride again!

To show how delusional at best and deceptive at worst that the game's creators are, this is what it says on the back of the box:

They're rough, they're tough, they're Bebe's Kids!

Enter the comical world of Robin Harris' Bebe's Kids! Join Kahlil, LaShawn, and Pee Wee on an adventure like no other. Someone has taken over Fun World, and it's up to Bebe's Kid's to make things right. Strange happenings at the amusement park require investigating by a couple of tough kids. Kahlil, with his amazing spin-tuck, and LaShawn with her devastating cartwheels are ready for anything!

They better be! Animatronic robots and security guards are looking for the feisty kids. Kahlil and LaShawn have to make their way past these android threats to the Underground headquarters of the master robot in the final battle for the freedom of Fun World!

Play as either Kahlil or LaShawn for an entire adventure!
Do cartwheels, spin-kicks, and super punches to stop the enemies!
Collect items to launch multiple long-range attacks!
All the humor from the hit movie is now a video game sensation!

A video game sensation? Isn't that like calling Massachusetts Senator John Kerry a "Latin music sensation"? A more accurate description on the back of the box would go something like: This amazing game will shock and awe the player as it does what should technically be impossible: both sucks AND blows at the same time.

And on one final note, this... THIS... got the Nintendo Seal of Approval. Nintendo, the company that never released Mother 3 or (as of yet) Xenoblade in the U.S., despite those two games probably being the best RPGs of the past ten years, already being translated for Europe, and having massive fan demand. This, though? Ah yes, Nintendo certainly has time for the children of Bebe.

I laughed my ass off reading this review. Fortunately for me, I never played this game growing up, but I vaguely remember seeing the crappy movie. I think the movie alone was so bad I forgot what 3/4 of it was about. What were they thinking making a game based on a shitty film? Anyways, loved this review. And thanks for warning gamers everywhere who have not played the game to steer clear of this piece of moose excrement.

Rap Jam: Volume One is a basketball video game for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in which the players are rap and hip-hop artists.[3] The game is played on an urban basketball court, with fisticuffs and no foul calls. There is an exhibition mode and a tournament mode.The game was released in January 1995. Despite the Volume One moniker this was the only installment released. There was never a Volume Two in either completed or prototype form.

Oh, and if you would have watched the movie before playing this game then you would know that Bebe is the deadbeat mother who leaves her kids with her friend while she's out trickin with dudes. And the guy is Robin, a man who wanted to date the woman (who is taking care of Bebe's kids) so bad that he offered to take the kids out to Funworld with them.