Understanding Love: How it Works in Romance and Relationships

We’ve been talking a lot about love lately, including in
the posts
on how to not fall in love and
answering the question should you say I love you. What
I want to go into today is a focus on understanding
love and how it works - more specifically, the chemicals in your
brain that cause that temporary madness that comes over us when we find
someone captivating, and the process we all go through as love matures.

The best book about this topic is probably Why We Love by Helen Fisher.
Fisher is considered THE authority on the subject, and you would do
yourself a huge favor by reading her book – it will really help you to
understand a lot of what’s going on underneath the surface when we fall
in love.

In the meantime, here are some of the biochemical substances that
get released between two people who have a crush on each other:

Pheromones: As mentioned
in our last article, many researchers believe that this process can be
strengthened by uncovering commonalities.

Noradrenalin: This
hormone gets released when you hold prolonged eye contact with a girl…
keep that in mind.

Norepinephrine, Dopamine and
Serotonin: These are the “honeymoon” chemicals, and they’re the
ones responsible for the crazy emotional ride you get on when you first
fall in love. You know – you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you have more
energy than ever before but the only thing you can think of is… her, 24/7. You dream about her at
night, only to wake up and have her be the first thing on your mind
again. Nothing but your body’s own drugs… and the FDA approves.

Oxytocin and Vasopressin:
These are the chemicals that bond you together. A lot of oxytocin gets
released in women, especially through physical touch and even more so
when you give a girl orgasms. Another
thing to make good use of.

Phenyl Ethylamine: The
chemical that creates feelings of joy, bliss and euphoria when you’re
in love… also called PEA.

Endorphins: The
“happiness” hormone, and what’s responsible for the feeling of
emotional intimacy - this substance has also been labeled the “opium of
the couple.”

There are some ways to accelerate the release of all of these
hormones, if you want to brew a stronger emotional cocktail for her to
drink… and that is to go on dates
with her that will be emotionally more engaging than the usual “drink
and back to my place” that I always recommend for more casual encounters.

If you want the blood pumping through her veins and a lot of
addictive biochemical substances being released into her brain, try
some of the following… take her kart racing or go to an amusement park
and ride the roller coaster for the extra adrenaline. The heightened emotions WILL translate
over to you: the man she was with while experiencing them. Even
going to a comedy club or salsa dancing can have similar effects.

Understanding Love: The FDA
Should Warn You…

Now… this listing should come with a warning.

YES – these are powerful
biochemical processes, much akin to being on drugs… and while
they’re natural, they are no less powerful than many of the synthetic
drugs available from your friendly thug at the train station.

In fact, the reason most synthetic drugs have such POWERFUL effects
on humans is that they target the very centers of the brain activated
by love itself!

And these drugs – and we’re talking about your body’s natural love
drugs here – come with ALL THE SIDE EFFECTS.

Just like any other drug, you will
feel amazing during the first
few months, but after a while, the high will begin to wear off…
and at that point, you need to get your daily fix just to feel normal.

And when you don’t get your fix, you will go through the incredible
agony of withdrawal… which is
ultimately the reason why I always equate falling in love to placing
your happiness in someone else’s hands.

If she can make you miserable by
freezing you out, arguing with you or breaking up with you, you’re in
trouble… and that’s part of the territory of romantic love.

Just a fair warning.

Another side effect of being in love are the proverbial rose-colored
glasses… not only do you see her in a more flattering light than is
even close to realistic, but she will also present herself in the
best way she can, because she’s just
as invested as you are.

You might be in for a big surprise once your infatuation wears off,
especially if she stops making an effort around the same time as you
take off the rose-colored glasses.

And it takes about four years until ALL the drugs are out of your
system… which is why there is a second big spike in breakups after
about that time. The third spike comes after the proverbial seven-year
itch.

The seven year itch, by the way,
stems from the fact that people undergo a major personality shift every
seven years… so in a way, you won’t be with the same person you
initially got together with… and NEITHER WILL SHE!

Which brings me to the most important piece of advice in this entire
series:

Don’t
think about lifelong commitment until you’ve been together for 4 years…
ideally 8.

Any earlier than four years, and your positive perception of her is
likely to be a result of nature’s own psychotropic substances… and any
earlier than eight years, and you have no way of knowing if the two are
going to be able to weather the storm of a major change in your
personalities and interests.

Eight years seems extreme? Well, answer me this – would you trust any “commitment” someone
entered into you with while under the influence of a powerful drug...
or would you trust yourself to make the right call in such a situation
if you yourself were the one under the influence?
If the answer is anything other than, “Yeah, sure, why not?” then I
recommend you take a moment to pause and consider what that means for
the wildly passion-fueled “commitments” many people make to each other
who end up tying their lives to one another.

So… What IS Love Then, Really?

The Ancient Greek were really a lot smarter than we were today when
it comes to this question.

While the English language knows only one word for love, the Greeks
had at least four that we know of today – agape, eros, philia and storge.

That’s a good start, but the Ancient Greek also had a more limited
understanding of the biochemistry of love and affection than we do
today. In reality, romantic and
sexual love go through different stages and are completely separate
from (but can coincide with) what is usual called “unconditional love”.

Let’s have a look at the different types of love, and the phases
they go through.

Sexual Attraction – This
is the first stage, and it can happen in seconds, both for men and for
women. It isn’t usually considered to be a form of “love”, but when we talk about a man and a woman
being in a relationship together, that always implies a sexual element
– otherwise it would simply be called a friendship. This form of
attraction is also the spark that can later ignite romantic love.
Without it, different forms of affection CAN develop, but the straight
path is through the reptilian brain we discussed in the posts about “The Success Factor”.

Infatuation – This is
the stage where two people first develop a “crush” on each other, and
this is what we usually call “romantic” love. When we talk about dating, we usually refer
to these first two stages – sexual and romantic relationships.
Infatuation is not a binary yes/no thing, but rather is on a gradient –
from a mild crush all the way to full-on obsession. It has been said
that the two strongest human instincts are for survival and
reproduction, but infatuation can
override both of them... at the extremes, people may even become
suicidal over unrequited “love”.

The 3-Month Drop – the
first significant emotional change takes place in a couple after about
3-6 months, with the three month point marking the half-life of the
initial infatuation. During these
first months, the emotions are so intense that people often have
trouble concentrating on work, going to sleep or even eating anything.
The intensity of the initial honeymoon phase lets up after a while,
which was evolutionarily hard-coded into our emotional makeup so we’d
be able to focus on other areas of survival again.

The 2-Year Drop – the
second significant drop is one Chase has written about at length
(linked to above, or here if you missed it), and it
happens after about 2-4 years. Just
like the half-life of the most intense initial infatuation is about
three months, so can the half-life mark of “young love” be found after
about two years. As mentioned earlier, this is really the make-or-break point,
where many couples will have to come to a decision: their feelings for
each other have changed, but have they bonded enough and found enough
compatibility to stay together despite that fact?

Long-Term Love – when
couples decide to stay together even though the initial romance has
clearly worn off, they are in a stage of love that lies somewhere
between unconditional love (the final type of love that we will discuss
shortly) and romantic love / infatuation. They are still attached to
each other and suffer when they are apart, more than friends or family
members usually do. But the heat of the initial passion and desire has
transformed into a comfortable, warm glow of familiarity and affection.

Unconditional Love –
This is difficult to find in male-female relationships. As we’ve
discussed previously, both sex and romantic love are value based (see: “What Do Girls Look For? Part I”
and Part II), and hence inherently not unconditional. Unconditional love would be the love a
mother has for her child – even if her son turns out to be a criminal,
she will often still love him and be there for him. Most women
would leave their man if he was homeless on the streets (and didn’t
make an effort to improve his situation). Some couples develop this
form of unconditional love for each other eventually, after they have
been together for a very long time, but the trade-off is, of course,
that they are no longer in “romantic” love with each other at that
stage.

All of the above together comprise some of the most important
reasons why I myself don’t get into monogamous relationships anymore…
you sign up for one thing (passion, infatuation and romance) and end up
getting another (familiarity, comfort and affection). And for many
people that’s fine… it’s a decision everybody will have to make for
themselves.

Like many seducers, I’m too much of a thrill seeker to settle for
the latter… it feels a bit like going to a car dealer and purchasing a
Ferrari, only to then drive a station wagon off the lot. But I also
know that a lot of people actually prefer the later, more serene stages
of love and relationships, so there is no real right or wrong answer
here.

I am, however, going to give you a brief explanation of why some
people prefer one over the other, as I see it crucial to understanding
love and how and why people pursue it the way they each individually do.

Why People Choose Monogamy (or
Polygamy)

Maybe you’ve heard someone say: “I haven't met a girl that I've
clicked with like this in a long, long time, and I actually want to
spend time with her… I don’t have much desire to see other girls
anymore, and therefore I’ve chosen to be monogamous now.”

This is a very common reason why people get into relationships, but
it’s actually a mental trap, and here is why:

It is really a man’s biochemistry
that triggers these types of thoughts when he has a lack of abundance.

I get the same emotions when I take a break from meeting women for a
couple of months… but as soon as you sleep with another ten girls, this
desire and fixation on one girl simply goes away... poof.

I know that’s a cliché, but it IS in fact true…

You see, your subconscious quickly calculates what would give you
the best chances of replication in your current situation:

High abundance of sexual partners (let's say you sleep with four
NEW girls per month or more) means that polygamy is better for your
replication.

Low abundance of new sexual partners, and monogamy is better.

Then your brain triggers the emotions that will drive you to take
the appropriate decision, and subsequently your conscious mind will
latch onto that decision and take credit for it.

You think you’ve made a conscious decision one way or the other, but
the reality of the situation is... you
didn’t make a decision at all. Your unconscious “mating
computer” made the decision and made you believe it was yours… if you
want to know more about this process, read the book Vital Lies, Simple Truths – The Psychology
of Self-Deception by Daniel Goleman.

And thus, people say things like:

“I've decided I want to sleep around now because I don't like
the drama of relationships…”

Oh really? Maybe it's just that your limbic brain has calculated
your odds of making babies!

Or, you might hear someone say the opposite:

“I've decided I don't want to sleep around now because I really
click with this girl…”

Oh really? Maybe it’s just that... well, you get the picture.

It’s amazing how upset people will get when you tell them this -
they are convinced that their
justifications for their actions are THE reasons why they’re taking
them - as if they were beings of pure logic for whom emotion and
under-the-hood mental calculations played no part.

But as science has shown, the
mind’s
already made its decision split seconds before an individual becomes
consciously aware of that decision... and starts
assigning it rationale.

You are the product of your evolution and environment; you’re
optimized to select the best mating strategy for your current
situation, because doing so would be, of course, the best mating strategy for your current
situation. Your brain isn’t foolish... even if it doesn’t
necessarily see much need to give your conscious mind full access to
what’s going on behind the scenes.

So what’s next?

Well, believe it or not, we’re still only about halfway through the
relationship series here... maybe less. There’s a lot more coming up. The next few
posts are going to be focused on relationship rules, jealousy issues,
relationship power struggles, and a lot more. Relationships are a deep
topic in and of themselves, and there’s a great deal to explore - so
stay tuned, and keep reading.

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Comments

Ricardus - another amazing post. Reading the bit about the subconcious mind and mating strategy was truly an "Aha" moment - "your subconscious quickly calculates what would give you the best chances of replication in your current situation."

It is so obvious when you think about it given that deep down we just animals looking to breed!

When I go through dry spells I find myself pining for and often booty calling old flings and exes. As you say, my mind is just looking for the "best chances of replication in the current situation". I immediately regret it afterwards - but the emotional mind is one powerful force to try and stop!

The mating strategy and mind tricks you describe in the article are obviously very true for men. My question though is - what is the equivalent subconcious mind impulse for women? We've all seen teenage girls go hysterically mad at boy bands, rock stars etc. Men just do not behave the same way. Is a woman's subconcious mating strategy stronger and sometimes even more impulsive than a mans? What are the differences? How can men use that knowledge to our advantage (without having to join a boyband!)?