Single. Alpha. Female.

You’re making six digits and have the designer wardrobe and trendy apartment to show for it. You’re owning your corporate game with a CV that would make any recruiter salivate.

You date endlessly, but the outcome is always the same: a handful of dates that seldom progress past the exchange of formalities. You’re ready for a real relationship and you’re craving an authentic, deep connection.

This should be easy. After all, you are independent. You are empowered. You are a catch.

So why then, are you still single?

First, let’s make it clear. There is nothing wrong with being single. You can be a total catch and choose not to be in a relationship. If so, this article is not intended for you. But if you do want a relationship and can’t seem to figure out why you can’t get past date two, then read on.

First, let’s explore a theory on feminine and masculine energy, and how opposite energies attract.

Everyone possesses masculine energy and feminine energy and we fluctuate between both. However, there is one sphere that predominates. This energy is not determined by your sex or sexual orientation. Rather, it is determined by examining what our deep-rooted desires and needs are.

According to relationship expert Dr. Pat Allan, masculine energy dominant individuals want to be respected, to lead, and to take charge. They typically lead with their brain versus their emotions. They are the aggressors and the initiator in a romantic dynamic. Typically, masculine energy individuals are providers and protectors.

On the other side, feminine energy dominant individuals lead with their heart first. They feel that their needs are met when their feelings and emotions are tended to. These individuals take on a more passive approach to relationship initiation. They are happy to “go with the flow” instead of having to pave the way.

As mentioned above, your energy is constantly fluctuating depending on context, circumstance and who surrounds you, but one sphere is more dominant.

So let’s get back to why there appears to be an abundance of highly successful, go-getting, independent women who although on paper look like the perfect catch, can’t seem to find a suitable life partner. I’ll use myself as an example to shed some insight.

I am a career woman who has learned how to climb the corporate ladder and achieve professional success in a highly competitive, male-dominated industry. In order to survive and achieve in this environment, I’ve had to learn and cultivate many “masculine” skills.

The North American corporate environment rewards decisiveness, competitiveness and risk taking – which are traditionally ‘masculine’ characteristics. I’ve gotten really good at taking charge, being a planner, and looking after my team and vendors. I am decisive, assertive and go for whatever I want with tenacity and determination. This way of being has worked well for me in my career.

However, after playing this role constantly in my work environment, when I come home, I want to revert back to my natural state – which happens to be quite the opposite. I am naturally soft, I wear my heart on my sleeve and relish the times when I do not have to be the decision maker and planner. I want to take a break from having to take charge and being the aggressor to make things happen.

But playing the part of the go-getting alpha in my corporate life doesn’t seem to turn off when it comes to my personal life. Through repetition and habit, I have a learned way of being where I live in my masculine energy. As a result, in the past, I’ve found that I would attract feminine energy men, and get extremely frustrated when they are passive or don’t take charge enough.

Even if a man is not necessarily feminine energy, when in a dynamic with such an overpowering masculine energy, a precedent is set. In my case, I would end up being the decision maker, planner, initiator and make-it-happener. I’ve noticed this happens with friends as well. I take on the role of masculine energy in the dynamic, and many friends will then take on the feminine energy, letting me make the decisions/plans, and they will sit back and just “go with the flow”.

When I meet powerful single women who are not having any success in the relationship department, I’ve noticed this same commonality. They want a masculine energy partner, but are attracting feminine energy men, and then complain about it afterwards (oops, guilty). A lot of times, I’ve observed that these women come off more “hard” than soft, and approach relationships with the alpha, masculine energy they are accustomed to using in their professional life.

If you feel you’re in this situation. Here are a few suggestions that may provide perspective:

Determine Your Natural Energy State

Are you naturally masculine or feminine energy? When you’re not in a professional setting, what do you desire and crave? To be the one in charge, to lead, to be respected for your mind and to be the pursuer? Or, do you crave the relief of not having to be the decision maker? Do you want to feel taken care of and have your emotions nurtured?

Determine What Energy You Want To Attract

Get honest with your needs. Is masculine energy what you really want to attract? Or perhaps you just think you want this due to socialization, upbringing and other influences. Maybe you naturally live more in a masculine energy state, and therefore a feminine energy mate is a better fit. Ask yourself what type of energy you truly want to attract, and then play your role accordingly.

Play Your Role

If you want to attract masculine energy, then allow potential partners to play that role. Don’t set precedent of being the masculine energy and then expect the dynamic to switch once you’re in a relationship.

Of course, things will balance and you will fluctuate, but again, there is one state that predominates. If you are the one that is the aggressor, the person makes the plans and makes all the decisions in the dating process; you set precedent for the dynamic.

Soften Up

If you are masculine energy (or you just take on this state due to habit and training), I encourage you to soften up. Being “hard”, stubborn, stuck in your ways, not opening your heart and masking your human vulnerability will not open the doors to create a deep intimate bond with anyone. You may think that being hard is an indicator of strength, but this is an illusion. It takes incredible courage to be vulnerable and authentic. It takes tremendous strength to be love, and to be open to receiving love.

In no way am I suggesting for you to present a fake persona in order to attract someone. I’m simply suggesting you “relearn” your way of being. Peel back those layers of defense mechanisms and walls built from years of disappointment, pain or feeling rejected. When it comes to relationships, take off that shield that you’ve been rewarded for wearing in the workplace. Find your natural state of energy, and be honest with the type of energy you feel is a complimentary match to yours.

15 Comments

Sadie

I think that we all carry both masculine and feminine energy in varying degrees within us – it’s like the yin and yang, right? The key is to determining which side we want to present in which situation. It’s like Shrek said, ogres are like onions: they have lots of layers. We humans have lots of layers, too!

Geoff

I think you’re right, Amy, that it’s very challenging for an “Alpha” woman to find a mate. This is due to several factors.

First, is hypergomy. The desire of females to marry “up” in terms of social and economic status. We often see male doctors marrying nurses or even hairdressors if they find them attractive. However, it’s almost unheard of for a female doctor to marry a garbage collector or plumber. They just won’t do it. Females still have an instinct to look for a man who will “elevate” them in terms of social and economic status. They’re still looking for a protector/provider whether they’ll admit it or not.

So when a woman puts herself at the top of the theoretical social pyramid by declaring herself an “Apha” woman, her pool of available men dries up considerably. How many single doctors and lawyers and millionaire entrepreneurs are there out there?

Also, women have to realize that the qualities of power, wealth, and social statues are not necessarily attractive to men. Jerry Seinfeld once joked on stage that although women always ask men what they do as a prerequisite to dating, a man is capable to telling a pretty young women “Sooooo…you work in a slaughterhouse. Interesting. What are you doing Friday night?”

Men and instinctively drawn to youth, beauty, sweetness, and a nurturing personality. In other words, whether they know it or not, they’re looking for a mother for their kids.

Marilyn Monroe said it best in the film “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”: “Don’t you know a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You would never marry a girl just because she’s pretty, but my goodness, doesn’t it help?” Truer words were never spoken.

If what I’ve said isn’t true, then Oprah Winfrey would be the world’s most pursued woman. I mean after all, she’s an available billionaire and not unattractive. Yet she’s rapidly becoming an old maid. She can’t find a man who’s her “superior” and in general, men just aren’t interested.

In other words, a woman’s wealth and social status play almost no role in attracting men. A pretty charming hairdresser has a much chance a marrying a millionaire as a female doctor or lawyer. I guess this is just the way humans are programmed. We’re designed to procreate whether we’ll acknowledge it or not.

Andrea

Geoff, thank you soooo-ooo, so much.

Epiphany!!!

Your perspective and wise words – an honest male perspective – have made a lot about my seemingly perpetual state of singledom a lot clearer. I invested so much energy in making myself ‘clever/educated/independent enough’ so that I would be ‘picked’ by high quality potential partners, and then found that they don’t even look my way. I never really understood why.

I’ve spent so many years wondering ‘Why her, and not me? I’ve studied more, travelled more, I earn more, I can talk about overseas political issues for 20 minutes without breaking into a sweat, and I have the ability to help him and his business to the next level with my experience and skills… So why her? Why not me?’

Now I see that it’s simple. She was prettier, sweeter, flirtier, girlier. The end…

I’m not even being a tiny bit cynical or sarcastic in this reply, I promise. I’ve been slowly working my way to this epiphany.

You see, I’m from a highly developed Western society (Britain) where personal development and work skills are a big deal, supposedly, in finding a worthwhile partner. And I’ve relocated to a traditional society in Central America (Panama) where a woman’s worth is judged almost exclusively on precisely what you listed in your response… “youth, beauty, sweetness, and a nurturing personality…”

Local men, and men from overseas will line up on my friends’ doorsteps and simply bypass me altogether. They all ADMIRE my intelligence (or say that they do). But clearly, none of them are TURNED ON by it. And because I find a man’s intelligence a huge turn-on, I never really understood why it wasn’t reciprocal.

Now I do. It’s depressing and disheartening, but at least I know what the issue is and can work on it. And I want to thank you for that.

Sadie

Dear Andrea,

Thank you for sharing your story. I have the same “problem” as you do, with a twist: I grew up with the belief that I had to be clever/accomplished/etc. enough in order to “qualify” for a romantic relationship. Like you, I invested a lot in developing my hobbies and smarts only to wonder “why her?” It wasn’t until my late 20’s that I learned to embrace my femininity. I learned to flirt. Even then, I thought that I didn’t deserve a relationship until I had a full-time job because I didn’t want to be a freeloader. That job never materialized – thanks, economy!

I’m the type of person that people perceive to be “smart” before I even open my mouth to speak. My brain walks into a room before I do! So I’ve been forced to embrace it. And to my surprise, I have met men who were turned on by my smarts! It even got me a couple of theoretical marriage proposals from non-single men.

The most surprising thing about being in my 30’s now is that I’m meeting more men who objectify me for my looks and completely ignore my personality and my dreams. So yeah, I’m still single and I go on very few dates.

Oh yeah, I’ve also learned to stop asking “why her? Why not me?” Chances are, it’s because he’s not somebody who can engage me on a intellectual level anyway.

Sabrina

I read Dr. Allen’s “Getting to I Do” a few years ago and despite its silly title, the book resonated with me. I realized that I really AM a feminine energy woman (in relationships) and I feel my best when the man takes charge.

My friends accused me of being passive, of not making things happen, that men love confidence – and maybe they’re right. But I prefer my brand of quiet confidence, and hope to attract the right type of feminine man!

Dmitri Seletski

You are liying to yourself.

I am 32 years of age, I consider myself to be somewhat at least semi intelligent. I would not bother going for brainy girl where girl of ‘acceptable’ intelligence but superior beauty is an option. Sounds shallow, but that’s how it is.
Let me put it this way, smart girl has nothing to offer me. I am not dumb person. I can find all information i ever need with help of Internet. I have grown up to be fully independent of anyone. Only thing I can’t have on my own is sex and kids. So WHY choose smart girl?

Rose

How about instead of pigeon holing people into roles and types that we learn to run, and be neutral to, our own unique male and female energies and to separate from our parents’ and society’s internalized pictures (and programming) of what it means to be male/female. This is called seniority over one’s inner space. In this light you have much more flexibility to change your “natural gender energy state” at will, to either be more masculine of feminine.

Dan

I agree with Geoff mostly but I’ll say it plainer. A woman making six figures, having a designer wardrobe, having a trendy apartment and owning the corporate game isn’t “a catch”. Those traits simply don’t matter to most men. Women have a hard time understanding that.

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You can definitely see your enthusiasm within the work you write.
The world hopes for even more passionate writers such as you who are not afraid to say how they
believe. At all times go after your heart.

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About The Editor

Amy is a relationship columnist for the 24 Hours Newspaper and a blogger for The Huffington Post and The Vancouver Sun. She has been featured in FASHION Magazine, The Georgia Straight, Ming Pao Magazine and her essay “The Infinite Chase” was published in a book to support ‘End Sex Trafficking Day’ along with notable authors such as Seth Godin and Danielle LaPorte. Most recently was shortlisted as a nominee for the YWCA Women of Distinction Awards.