Nuts to you, you're a bothersome louseSomeone ought to burn down your house

Go straight to hell's rivers and drown in the floodAnd never float back, you rotten little crud

I'm playing with your mind, you wise word shopperTake notice that it's meant to alienate you good and proper

As an enigmatic writer, I hope I've struck the right chordSo that you'll say "Ahah! A new brooding genius is aboard!"

2

TRUE TACKY TAXI TALE

Cabdriver gets flagged down by a girl in a hurryHeard the zipper in front of herTight leather outfit go downZip zip zip

And soon from behind him out pops this pair of cartoon boobsLady lets him feel them for the fare, and he quickly agreesShe was so smooth that soon she also had change comingZip zip zip

3

HAPPY CRAPPY HOLIDAYS

They shout that stale New Year's cheerStraight into your ears

They pour that St. Patrick's boozeDown onto your shoes

They jam those Easter feastersRight up your keister

They set Fourth Of July firesTo make you go blind

They push Thanksgiving turkeyWhich gets you murky

They also throw Christmas fitsUntil you yell "quit!"

4

GYPSY WHIMSY

While in a gypsy camp I met a stunning trampI bought her right away for one night's worth of playHer body was her fame - it danced around the flame,Swayed to the tambourines, played out the ancient scenes

She heard I'd paid her rent so she stayed by my tentMy greeting was a hug, my cold heart felt a tugI stroked her lush behind, she didn't seem to mindShe was so glad to sin, she begged me to come in

The heat that warmed her lace was painted on her faceI kissed her fingertips, a smile escaped her lipsOn her my hands were burned, so hotly had she yearnedWelcome was my prying, urgent was her sighing

With her I did not fail to travel each new trailTime's lack could but improve our every hungry moveThighs quaking in each clasp, my gypsy witch would gaspAll night the tambourines shook to our ancient scenes

5

JUST ANOTHER BULLSHIRT BLONDE

One of those silly nuts dressed in an overly suggestive wayDumb smut-driven slogans stamped on her T-shirts every dayTrendy controversy-courting sayings, much too sour or sweetHalf-baked quips that made her girlish heart skip a beat

She was a bouncing bumper sticker of joy, long legs includedThat's all she eventually became, torturing us all in the officePosing as the blonde earth mother, sexy savior of the worldDriving us all wacky with her grandly gratuitous graphics

So one day we wore our own naughty T-shirts to test her out,If she went for its message, one of us would make her shoutWe chose Honk If You're Horny, but she told us to honk offSo our dirty flirty filly was just a phony pony we couldn't boff

Hearing the Beatles old white album, as waiters chimeNumber 9, number 9, number 9Benny Goodman's clarinet squeals in the lonely cornerA piano takes a tinkle on Ben-HurAnd gladiators will be frying soonSo say those high atop the luxurious Chicago Room

Suddenly the cymbals clash, and Dr. Duck wearing a fezWaddles down the sidewalk and truthfully saysQuack! Quack! Quack!At this, the English waiter leaves the restaurant fastNumber 9, number 9, number 9 - we've had our fillWorld War 0, World War I, World War II - take that hill!

Then comes a shocked silence, later they scream as if sickIn the panic, the waiter rushes to Yankee Stadium quickThe duck gets in the back and quacks until he gets shotAt the arena, the bloody football game has progressed a lotIf you call that progress - cheerleader choirs blow the hornsA fat boy runs over Mr. Megaphone, leaves him in a pile of popcorn

9

EARLY PEARLY

On the shore the oyster openedDrinking in the sinful sunSlowly did the oyster openTasting of the sinful sun

The sun caressed the oyster bedWarming well the pearl insideThe oyster bed went pink, then redAs the pearl grew warm inside

The pearl began to palpitateThrobbing like a tiny heartThe pearl somehow did palpitateFeeling like a beating heart

Its moist and satin fleshy foldsClosed to hide the perfect pearlUntil the morning next unfoldsIn the luster of the pearl

10

THE WEDDING OF A WEAK MAN

With this ring I now wedA poor weak man who'll soon be deadShe'll make him sickThen kill him quick

She don't like himLoves to strike himLike a matchSo bolt the latch

Watch out, waifAnd play it safeDon't take herJust fake her

You'll get from her love trapA nasty dose of bridal clapI now pronounce you marriedAnd permanently harried

11

NEW CONTEST FOR FIRST YOUNGS ONLY

New, today! Another contest for young writers onlyNew, today! Another contest for first works onlyNew, today! Another contest for young thoughts onlyNew, today! Another contest for first words only

Yesterday there were once great old worksBy brilliant old authors, writing not their firstBut their thirty-first booksBut lately they've been driven off, bought off and chased off

By modern committee restrictions, awards rules,And lousy publishers - ironically called an old boys networkPublishers only trying to net kids, not good workIt forced into hiding all the ageless artistic wonders

They stay out of range of the stupid carbon dating competitionsWaiting in a safe place to be read in a wiser futureBrats run the house, cry alligator tears, then dry up upon eachNew, today!

12

GOOD DANCERS

Is it nasty girls in heavenNaughty girls in purgatoryNice girls in hell?No, that can't be rightThere are no hookers in heaven

Then it must beNasty girls in hellNaughty girls in purgatoryNice girls in heavenYes, that's it

But why do the naughty girls always wind upIn purgatory practicing the limbo?Because nasty girls don't dance by the bookWhile nice girls don't dance much at allAnd good dancers are hard to find

13

PURPLE HEARTS AND FLOWERS

Each dame is a disasterEvery chick is a choreLeaving you shipwrecked ashore

Each babe is a battleEvery skirt lowers your scoreLeaving lots of scars and sores

But it's not a simple matterOf which are saints or whoresEvery woman is a war

She almost reaches it again, another almostBut must settle for feeling a mere shudder insteadShe is yet another mare after moreThan merely chasing the cruel carrotDangling in front of her

15

TEMPERAMENTAL INSTRUMENTAL

Honk-honk, beep-beep!It was a non-committal acquittal,A temperamental instrumentalWhile making all that noise

Most of the single people were scolded,Tried, but not liked - and forced toMarry for their crimesSentenced without a paddle up a certain famous creek

Sent to a home for life with no hope of bailOrdered about by their spouse wardensWho demanded instant everything -Plastic food, junk mail, game shows and eternal soap operas

This slight refinement on solitary confinementMeans millions more must live out such penaltiesBut at least the cons got to do a great solo riff for awhileHonk that beep!

16

THE POISONER

I gaze upon my guests with glee, and hope that they enjoyThe potion mixed especially by this revengeful boyIt was not that they were so wrong, those many years agoChanting "guilty!" just like a song, calling me such a foe

For I'm the rogue who did their crime; prison I did deserveBut after waiting all this time, this meal I still must serveLook at those wretches and letches - citizens all so fine!Who's the first Mr. Death fetches, as this last time they dine?

Aha! One cad is collapsing - gargling his soup, somehow!Now their condemning hands quiver, to clutch their fat throats tight!After this the roomful of guests noticed my bored party -Seeing my victims slumped in rest, they said it looked arty!

Mass murder was soon discovered, when those six hit the floorThe villain was not uncovered - I'd long been out the doorFree once again, I thought I'd won, though I did sadly findThat further damage had been done - they'd poisoned my poor mind!

17

SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE

Shut your stupid face before I shut it for youYou talk too much - now smarten up and listenWho do you think you're fooling?I was standing there the whole time,Watching

So don't try to deny it - you killed that guyAnd then you killed the rest of those other guysAnd I'm the sole eye-witness to everythingThere's no way you can lie your wayOut of it

Yes, I'm a witness boundTo put you away for a long time with my testimony,Even though now I'm in this iron lungIf, that is, you don't start murdering again by choosing toPull my plug

18

THE HUMAN FLY

Spiderwebs aglow from head to toeIn the cave wintery spectaclesIncredible receptaclesBut not one spider yet appearing

Though he knew they must be there somewhereStill there was not yet proof of itExcept webs everywhere, of intricate billowsBizarre blueprints etched into his muddled mind

He somehow felt the justice of line after lineOf fluid on fluid, loop after loopNo escape from this poison net rapeFinally his captor arrived, ready to bite

It moved much too quickly, like an old bad filmThat skips a few frames, first here -Then suddenly there -And now it was heading straightFor its man-fly victim!

19

STONED AGAIN

He will do it again, drink the drugTo get stoned againAs in the dreary days of oldChildren bleat in the street outsideWhile he reenacts the crime

In a dull, dark soundless caveMelancholy shades of the eveningAdd to his insufferable gloomAll is so desolate, bleak, rank and decayedIn the little room where he lived out his bitter lapses

Those nightmare phases will plague him once moreAs his mind's hideous iciness chills furtherThe utter depression of his soulThe sickening sinking of his empty heartSubmerges him in an eternity of terror

He will reel, stagger, clutch helplesslyAt his melting, altering featuresAll sight will cloud into oblivion, perhaps this time foreverHe will begin it all by putting thatFirst glass of beer to his lips

20

VIGIL

Her mind raced through a wild vein on an outside trackHugging the sharp curves, flying all the way downThe long, thin, magic cord, leading toThis final strange cerebral ceremonyShe dragged on the cigarette, and kept downing drinksChills rippled through her nighttime nausea

Across the street from her hotel room windowWhen all her own lights were offThe old neon sign smugly winked down on herIn her stupor she waited to be grabbed by dark demonsAnother lonely lady at the end of her silk ropeNothing new to her, looking at the world in a tired way

For so long she took things for granted - now things took herForced her to walk the line of her mind's fatal fearsDreading the dawn of another unwanted decadeHer heavy-lidded eyes in the plaster darknessHad too often counted all the wallpaper flowersNow black nylons cease itching her cold legs of stone

She waits for the best time to tell herself it's overAfter a few more sips and a few more what-ifsLater she imagines traveling to the sea while still in bedHer pillowed coffin on secret wheels rolls along with the tideAt last her brain goes swimming under, escorted by a small sighAs the devious undertow of alcohol takes her out

21

SARABEL LEE

It was many and many a week ago,In a market by the sea,That a pastry there sat proudly on showFrom the kitchens of Sarabel Lee;And this pastry was there for no other useThan to feed and be eaten by me

I was a treat and she was a treat,In this market by the sea:But we fooled with a feed that was more than food -I and my Sarabel Lee;With a feed that the high holies of health foodCoveted Lee and me

And this was the real cause that, weeks ago,In this market by the sea,To eat pastries - my pastries - my vice and my pride,In the garbage can there by the sea,In her grave by the sulking sea

22

LET'S GO DOWN TO THE MOON TONIGHT

Let's go down to the moon tonight, I said to the girlThat wrote a note to my friendThe moon, I said, is pale yellow, almost whiteIt mocks us, clocks usWe'll both be gone soon

This particular moon will sink into the sea, and all thoseCute little surfer people will ride it the following cold dayLet's go now, while we've still got a now,So the man in the moon can laugh a tired moon's laughAt us two common clowns in our half-living struggle

However, when the sands of time were running outShe said no, that it went against her grainWell, the man didn't stay in the moon too long after thatBut for years I kept rambling on to herDuring visiting hours

And she did prove to beA good listenerAt leastAs she becameA near-catatonic case

23

LEMONS, BEANS AND WHAT IT MEANS

Lemons, lemons, pucker, sour ick!Thousands of times I feel I have to goI've had many beans today and quite a lot of lemonadeAnd my very soul, my very bowels of my being

Nurse, nurse, eureka, nurse, I've done it!Bard of the bedpans, cynical barnacle in La Hotele HelleClean me up quickly nowCan't have anyone see me like this

Quickly, yes, that's good, nice and dry, butI seem to smell peppermint, nowOr is it alcohol after all?Nurse, what does it really mean?

24

ONLY THE HICKS

Only the HICKS can believe used car salesmenOnly the HICKS can believe holy rollersOnly the HICKS can believe politiciansOnly the HICKS can believe advertisements

And don't believe it when the usualSo-called fence-sitter then saysThat they're NOT a HICK but that they buy it all, too, orThat they're NOT a PRUDE but let's ban it all, anyway

Those prefacing NOTS -They're warning signals for the sane people on the road toBeware of dumb country pickupsBeware of those old HICKups

25

VOYEURS OF THE VOYAGES

Have we honored the past?Have we eaten too fast?These worries appear when I look at you

When you don't see meLook at you, and I have to look fast becauseYou might see me seeing you see me and all that

But I don't like you any better when youCan't see me looking, anywayThere is no real difference

As long as we rid ourselves of the guiltAbout eating everything too fast like hurried hogsOr honoring the eats too much and eating our honor

26

PHONY CALL

You're just lucky you get toUse a hearing aidSit in a wheelchair andWear thick glasses

Or I'd be over thereBoxing your earsPushing you too farRobbing you blind

As it is,I'll chalk this phone call up toA wrong numberThat will never be right

27

TOTAL LIES AND OTHER TRUTHS

The world is flatThe world is squareWe wish it wereReally not there

The universe is flatThe universe is squareWe wish it wereReally not there

His wife is flatHis wife is square

28

BUT WE'RE BELIEVING IT ANYWAY

No, they haven't actually announced it yetThat official things mean nothing anymoreBut we're believing it anyway, right?And really, what else is there besides aGood birth and dearth and what rests in between?Only some names and games

Babes and taxes, hammers and axes, lots of pay and sayDo any of those words not belong?Patents pending, copyrights renewed, Co., Inc., Ltd.No, they didn't have to admit it in printOn all the front pages that so much legality meansNothin', nothin', nothin'

29

CRONIES

Cronies tip a tankard but not to excessBooze it up, laugh it up, take time to engage in wenchingAnd what better buddies could a fellow haveThan ones with an antic sense of humor?

Enjoying ravenous women and a sumptuous pretzel feastWhile non-members are instantly rejected, ordered awayThey speak with pomp, presence and lilt in their linesTheir lives an echo of a hastily contrived school play

But one of them was a devotee of the brutal side of historyKilled after being misled by theory and undone by passion,Wrongly rising with all force, thinking his ideals were threatenedFlying into tragic battle over the score of a Sunday ball game