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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

It appears the heart always knows

Here I am at 11dpiui, and I'm rocking a BFN. It's funny, I knew this over the weekend. Shit, I knew this the 24 hours prior to my IUI when I knew for certain that I was ovulating and we had been told not to baby dance those days leading up. It's a lesson for sure. I know how I'll handle my next IUI.

I'll continue to test through Friday, just in case this was a late implanter. However, sometimes when you know, you know. My lower back has been on fire for the past 5 days, I think that's more of a pre-AF symptom, rather than a pregnancy symptom. I also have officially moved past the "bloated" stage that I had most of this cycle due to the meds and have reverted back to flat belly. My breast tenderness is also wearing off. I usually am tender following ovulation, but it ends several days prior to AF.

I was pretty heart broken over the realization this past weekend. I know so many people that have supported me have continued to say that it's early, don't count yourself out till AF shows, but, there's a time when you just know and since AF won't show until I discontinue the prometrium, it's kinda on me. I know how my body works. I'm sure every pregnancy is different. I know that I'm technically 11dpiui, however, since I know I ovulated the day before (I even had a temp spike to prove it the morning of the IUI) that is technically makes me 12dpo. Many of you have said, the timing is perfect if the egg has already dropped. I totally agree. But and egg only lives for 12-24 hours. I ovulated around late morning on Friday. My IUI was late morning on Saturday. That's 24 hours. So that is in fact a bit of a stretch. I appreciate more than words the support and the push for me to stay positive, but it's also necessary for me to be real.

If I get a + HPT come Friday, by all means, blast me with I told you so's, I'll welcome them with open arms. I'm definitely doing better now. I think the past few days has helped me to accept, so that I can move on to the next cycle. Don't get me wrong. This fucking sucks and I really wish that this would have happened this month. The next month is just a slew of reminders for me...namely I found out I was pregnant last year on October 27th. So this was my last chance to get this done within a year.

Okay, so plan for next month. My RE likes to take a month off of the injectibles and IUI to give my ovaries a bit of a rest. I do still plan on doing the femara on cd 2-6 to help with ovulation and hopefully help to keep me from having another 42 day cycle! November will do the IUI again, armed with a bit more knowledge than I had this month. One, I'll either demand 2 IUI's. I asked about this last month and was just told "no". I'm paying 100% out of pocket, if I want it, I'll be making damn sure I get it. If we don't go that route, I'll be baby dancing the night of the trigger and the night of the IUI and the following day. The typical schedule that I seem to see from others. I am kicking myself that I didn't go with my gut and do that this cycle. Another thing that I want to see is where my lining and follicles are prior to the IUI. This cycle I did a cd 10 u/s and we knew I was close with the 20mm follie on the right and the 18mm follie on the left. I was told to trigger the following night and then the IUI 36 hours later. As I mentioned before, I got the +OPK several hours prior to the trigger. I also did not have another u/s this cycle. I think it would have been smart to have done with in between the trigger and the IUI or the morning of the IUI. I was told it would "disrupt" the environment and that's why they didn't do one that morning. Pretty safe to say, I learned a lot and I'm going in a little more determined to voice my opinion. I trust my doctor, but I also trust my body. I've been at this for 15 months. I KNOW when I ovulate. I've also been charting all these months and it's always been very reliable. I also know that after a +OPK, I ovulate the next day with a temp shift the following day. All of these "signs" have coincided month after month.

The good news. I ovulate every month. This is the plus side. I'm confident that this next cycle will be no different. We'll be traveling during my fertile window this month. Little side note, we tend to have lots of extra, non-feeling-like-sex-on-demand-sex when we travel. This makes me very happy and maybe, just maybe, we can do this with just the femara and I won't even have to do another IUI. A girl can hope right, sometimes it's what gets me through. Mr. T has told me I don't have to sneak and temp this month since I won't be monitored, he just doesn't want me to tell him when I'm ovulating. Done. Whatever he needs, I'm more than willing to oblige. The TTC journey certainly starts to effect him as well, and if that's what he needs, you got it, champ.

3 comments:

I forgot that you had to hide temping too, that's great that you're off the hook this month. I'm with you, anything we can do to make it easier for our men, will make it easier for us. I'm really sorry that you're just not feeling it this cycle, I totally know that feeling. Sometimes the one good thing about it is that it lessens the blow if AF does show...

Also, thank you SO much for your comment on my blog. I felt like you completely got it. Honestly I totally get your sigh of relief with the IUI and I think I am going to start pushing for IUI after this cycle. All of this timed BDing and performance stuff is making me crazy! Anyway, I'm glad you're staying positive and thinking of the things you will do differently next time. Seems silly that they'd refuse an IUI if you were paying out of pocket.

That feeling of being out just sucks! I am so sorry you are feeling that.

I think it's great you clearly pay attention to the details. Yes, the dr.'s are the ones who are trained, but they see so many patients and you really do know your body. Very interesting on the ultrasound "disturbing the environment" too. Hmmm

I hope if this isn't your cycle, your fun trip with the Femara will be all you need! Oh, that would be so wonderful! I am still holding out hope for the post of you eating your words. though. ;)

It sounds like you have totally learned a lot from this first iui, and that's a good thing! You know your body so much better then the doctors and they are going to have to learn to listen to you!!

My only suggestion for you going forward is to get an hsg. My RE still thought it was necessary for me to have one even though I had already been pregnant once this year, which if I recall your RE didn't think it was necessary Becaus you had been pregnant. My docs rationale is that a: we still didn't know if we were working with 1 tube or 2. B: we didnt know if everything was anatomically ok to carry a child and C: it could be that I just had one lucky egg get through all of the old debri in my tubes such as mucus and tissue and the hsg would wash those things out. He also said that if I was only working with one tube that it would change the odds of iui. So I think it's an important test, not that I would expect anything to be wrong but maybe your tubes just need the dust brushed off!

It's just a suggestion and of course I hope we get to see an I eat my words post soon instead!

About Me

This blog is my outlet to share the hurt and pain of my infertility. DOR, Endometriosis, and finally Asherman's Syndrome have plagued our past 4 years with loss and heartache. We ultimately turned to Donor Eggs at CCRM to create our miracles. With the help and love of one of our surrogate, our twin boys were born on July 16, 2015 and just 5 months later, our miracle baby girl and natural surprise was born on December 11, 2015. Life is most definitely complete!