Sunday, August 22, 2010

Once upon a time, there was a man. The epitome of a truly great man, he sacrificed himself to save us all, and he walked upon water, not much unlike the Basilisk Lizard, and that man... was Barry Allen. For years, he was just Barry Allen, The Blonde Speedster who was surpassed many years ago by his young ally Wally West after sacrificing himself to save us all. Or so we thought!

So did we Saint Barry, so did we! But little did we know, that Barry has been running for 23 years, oh yes, when Superman died, Barry was running. When Wonder Woman went blind, Barry was running. And when the God-Awful Batman & Robin movie came out, much like the rest of us... Barry was running. And finally, with the help of Geoff Johns and a damn good pair of boots, Barry Allen ran back to us, in the future, somehow and returned to life. Oh yes, and just when you thought the great Saint Barry couldn't get any more awesome, He outran death. The same death that caught Bart Allen, even though Bart has been called the fastest Speedster, no one told that to Barry "I'm Faster than my Grandson" Allen!

So from there, The Saint decided, "Screw being dead for over 20 years, I'm gonna take back my throne!" So then he jumped up and smacked Wally, took his suit, and made Wally wear the Second Place suit. I could be imagining this. But looking somewhat like his former protege wasn't enough, he said, hey, I wanna be a Speedster AND a Lantern. So Saint Barry, the man who's been running for over 20 years, and apparently is full of hope, moreso than anyone else, even Superman, gets a Blue Lantern ring and a new costume. And on this day he said, Let there be Saint Barry! And It was good. And that is why we heed the preachings of our Super Speeding Savior, Barry Allen, Our Lord and Savior, God of the Speed Force and The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread. Can I get an A-llen? Thank you for your time.