Pornocalypse Now: Syphilis Has Struck!

September 1st, 2012 - Chris Starr

They always said 2012 would be the year of the Apocalypse. I just presumed that it would be signified by horses running rampant through streets and towering infernos burning everything to the ground. I didn’t think that it would end like this. But it has. People, I don’t mean to alarm, but currently the two biggest producers of porn in the world aren’t filming anything.

You’re going to have to hoard what you can. Get right onto your favourite tube site and hoover up everything there is, because this could be The End of Days. Barack Obama getting elected might’ve heralded the coming of a post-racial world. We could be looking at a post-porn world here. There are potentially catastrophic consequences to be had, not least on the world’s morale. Let’s look at the science:

As you can see from the science, there is a direct correlation between the production of pornography around the world and unhappiness. Because science. That’s why. (You wouldn’t disagree with science, would you?)

So why has this happened? Syphilis is why. Twin syphilis scares have brought production to a halt, raising questions about the procedures in place to test performers for sexually transmitted infections (STIs). In the United States, the syphilis outbreak was caused by one performer – an 18-year veteran who uses the nom de porn of Mr Marcus – doctoring an STI test presented to production companies before going before the cameras. Suddenly, he sleeps with someone else in another of the 20,000 scenes that are filmed every year and the cooties have spread.

In Budapest at least 16 porn stars tested positive for syphilis after a scare in August. A month-long moratorium on filming in the city is scheduled to end on September 3rd, but by that point there’s a month-long gap in porn output which can’t be made up for.

The reason why this happened, of course, is because we love our fictional and unrealistically athletic sex on screen to be done without condoms. You can’t blame us: you wouldn’t wrap up a sports car in bubble wrap all the time. The whole point is that people can see your drive shaft, and stick shift, and all the other innuendos that involve cars but can be interpreted as referring to penises. A poll of US producers and performers by XBIZ Research, an adult video media outlet, found nearly two-thirds of respondents believe mandatory condom usage in porn is “unrealistic”.

Which means, sadly, that this is unlikely to be the only porn production stoppage we’re likely to see. All I can say is, until the glorious day that the outbreak is said to have passed, and we can all step out of our air-raid shelters into the warm light of a porn-filled day, keep your head down, lay low, and stock up on some vital materials. Kleenex and a decent supply of videos should be sufficient. (Don’t bother with tinned foods. You’re not going to need tinned foods.) Stay strong. Some day we’ll come out of this, and feel better like this happy computer user: