September 20, 2004 (idea)

There is this vivid image being played in my head as I fall slowly to sleep. It’s always there; playing over and over again, like it is haunting me. Wanting to let go and forget things is hard when you are faced with a similar situation happening to someone very close to you. You ache to tell them how you felt, the pain that consumed you; somehow you just can’t manage it. The pain is too much to bear and you end up hiding your emotions and advice behind a brave face. I’m not so brave though because it is still there, playing vividly in my mind like a constant reminder.

About six months ago I was diagnosed with diabetes and although I have gotten over it and dealt with it I feel as though it still haunts me, like a ghost, day in, day out. I know that it will never disappear and that life will never be the same again but I do know that I can help somebody, if only they chose to listen to me. Back in February I remember vaguely feeling extremely ill and not knowing why I was feeling like this. I had a feeling about what was wrong but I didn’t dare mention it because of the fear. Getting everything sorted was the best thing that I ever did.

One of my very good friends has become ill over the past couple of months and I am desperate to help him in someway. I’m not a doctor, I know that and he knows that but equally we both know that he has the same symptoms that I had. I’m not even diagnosing him in anyway; I just want him to take action in case he actually is diabetic. Not only is he trying to ignore it, I suppose just like I was, so is his Mother. Sometimes, when he is really ill, I want to take him to the doctors and make him truly see. People can be stubborn and scared. Trying to explain how I felt, that I felt like that once is no good.

I know that all I can do is be there for him when he needs me, like he was for me. He was different when he found out I was ill, he wasn’t like the others who treated me like a freak. I remember thinking how normal he was with me and that meant a lot. We never really spoke about it though, we have tried to quite recently but it seems to hurt too much for me to. I get angry with him for not letting me help him and then I look back at how I was. Back then I wasn’t even the same person that I am today, I pretty much shut him out but now I realise that I have to let him back in and tell him how it really is. I’ve never been so scared in my life. Not just because I have to tell him my deepest feelings but I’m scared for him too.