1.29.2009

1.28.2009

The idea of this article is that some panhandlers are making serious bank by "aggressive" panhandling. Okay, that's fine. So they want to make a bylaw to make it easier to crack down on these offenders. That's also okay. However:

"This bylaw is aimed at that core group — hardcore professional panhandlers, people that make a living off this," Nowlan said.

plus

Police are proposing a fine of $250, but have suggested the city look at options for people who can't afford to pay it.

equals wtf. If you motivate your argument by saying that the panhandlers aren't truly in need and then suggest that $250 is too much to fine them then, you're not using logic.

You can't have it both ways. Either they can't afford the $250 or they are making a living. Both cannot be true.

1.27.2009

1. I have not read every book I own, which is not in and of itself interesting. However, I silently berate myself for this failure everyday.

2. I am forever looking for the perfect key chain, pen, pad of paper, watch, and wallet. I have found nice stopping points on that search, but perfection is always out of reach.

3. I never learned phonics and I have a difficult time pronouncing new words or ones that I've only ever read.

4. I only ever throw away a note, scrap of paper with writing, or book with much psychological pain. These things are usually saved for long periods of time and I have boxes and boxes that contain such notes and scraps of paper.

5. I am slow at performing mental math, despite my love of math. I tend to get distracted by the processes of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division.

6. I am almost 80% sure that I have a girlfriend.

7. I once completely took apart my father's computer. Since I was unable to put it back together, he bought a new one.

8. I had more fun at my Sophomore prom than at the following four. This was because I knew that I had nothing to lose, no one else's feelings to consider, and I knew no one there. The others were far more stressful.

9. I would be happiest if I never had to sleep again or if I never had to wake up again.

10. I never seem to be able to spell necessary. (thank God for spell check)

11. I sweat a lot when I read books or watch good movies.

12. I operate 2 pornographic websites.

13. I used to want to be an inventor. I still want to be an inventor.

14. I contribute regularly to Wikipedia.

15. I once killed a mouse by holding it underwater.

16. I have fantasized about running away from home since the second grade. I still do.

17. I like odd numbers more than I like even numbers.

18. I think that stale Twizzlers are far superior to fresh ones.

19. I talk to myself constantly when I am driving alone. It is usually a string of word vomit and/or verbatim reenactments of conversations I have had.

20. I have had almost no sense of smell for the last 3 years.

21. I am proud, in retrospect, of every dime I ever spent on a woman.

22. I am not at all ticklish due to years of training myself not to be.

1.26.2009

If it's not with youThere is no thing that makes me wanna settle downI thought it was a bad coughBut never knew how much illusions hide a tortureLonesome & forsaken with no gratitudeWho's goin' to tell, devotion's not your problemIt's me against a wardrobeFocused on the pain to see how we can get alongDoing things, getting betterI'll move onTogetherThe more I try the less I care about itTogetherAnd if you don't see yourself in the mirror, forget what you didTogetherThe more I try the less I care about itI'm giving up my conscience for anotherThe only one I want is youThings I wouldn't doTry to treat me like a friend, get another late callI'll lose you for anotherCause you can't believe how much your pleasure is a factorWriting down the logic of my solitudeAs far as I'm concerned I'd like to leave it randomI'm acting like an orphanLet me get to know you better to make me less attractedDoing things, getting betterI'll move onTogetherThe more I try the less I care about itTogetherAnd if you don't see yourself in the mirror, forget what you didTogetherThe more I try the less I care about itI'm giving up my conscience for anotherThe only one I want is youParisians all goneWords they're all goneLet me tell you

1.25.2009

I accidentally went to Charleston. I had to drive. I just had to. I used my time to wrap a warm blanket of memories around me. This is where I would normally go into a listing of fond memories, but I'm tired of that.

The memories are nice, but they are meaningless in their detail. The important part is the feeling they invoke in me.

Can I focus on the good more than the bad? Have I so rewritten my past that I will only have bitterness toward this place? Will Charleston always be a place I loathe coming back to? Maybe 3x.

However, coming here and feeling the warmth of those memories and then waking up to a cool blanket of snow makes me feel human. normal. That may not be the loftiest of goals, but I'm trying.

Do you miss the birds? Do you miss the warmth? Do you miss the words we used to speak? We can leave the light on till the sun comes up if you want, we can leave the music on if it helps you fall asleep-Secret freckles were no secret anymore. But I'm sure there are sunflowers growing from gutters somewhere. It's heart over logic, & that's all this is.

At FedEx we would call this a SWAK error. If someone gives us a wrong address, we try the best we can to figure out what the address should have been. It could be a simple problem of a label that says "Urbana, IL 61081" when it should have read "Urbana, IL 61801." However, I might have meant to send it to Sterling, IL and written Urbana on accident. It's hard to tell what someone meant when the information doesn't match up.

Sometimes it means that your shipment gets returned, other times it goes to the wrong person. I once ordered some textbooks online and received someone else's books. They, in turn received a third person's books. It was a problem with putting the wrong labels on the wrong boxes.

My point? This isn't a problem unique to UPS or any other shipping company. It was just human error.

Tessa told me once that I was very interesting and that I have lots of interesting stories. She said that she was not interesting and that she had only boring stories.

I think that's a load of crap.

Maybe I know how to tell a story. Maybe I embellish a little here and there. Maybe I go places and do things that other have not. However, I've always thought that I didn't really have any crazy stories to tell. I've always done that action which seemed necessary at the time. That's how I got to Moldova. That's how I got robbed there. That's how I got to South Africa both times. That's how my relationships have been. I'm not really doing a lot of planning ahead. I'm not looking for the crazy story. I don't really try that hard. I feel pretty mediocre.

So, it comes down to this: either we're all mediocre or we're all interesting. I think that I'm mediocre, but nearly everyone I meet I find to be interesting. Which leads me to believe that I might be interesting as well. Thus, we are all interesting. However, it could be that I'm so mediocre that I find these other mediocre people interesting. Which would lead me to conclude that we're all mediocre. That seems unlikely. It is my belief that we are all interesting just as it is the case that we all have psychoses. In some people it is easier to see than in others.

1.20.2009

So, I walk into the control room after Twi and had this conversation with Rusty, the Mid Control Room Operator:

Me: 'SupRusty: Hey, read this. *hands me a hand-written note**note reads: 55 is missing a wheel. 19 cannot be shut off or it will not start up again**beat**I walk to the radio*M: Hey, Wyman...Wyman: 'Sup?M: Don't turn off your switcher. It seems that it will never ever start up again if you do.W: Okay..M: *to Rusty* Anything else?R: Did you see this about 55?M: Yeah, I didn't really notice anything wrong with it when I drove it all night.R: *beat*M: Which one was it?R: Uh, driver side front.M: Yeah, I never use that side of the switcher.

I guess they expected some sort of reaction to the fact that 55 lost a wheel on Day Sort. Before Twi, they were all waiting for me to say or do something. I don't really understand it. I don't drive 55. I don't like 55. It doesn't matter to me if it works or not because we have three other switchers and the weather doesn't require four. I feel like they wanted me to be outraged or to say something hysterical. It turns out that it was due to a wheel bearing failure. These things happen, I suppose. I'm more interested in how many there are to go up, who's running the board, and whether or not there are moves to make in the outbound. Is it just me?

Hillary turned no call/no show because she got grounded at the last minute. Allie was an hour late, but she brought beer which made up for it. Tessa brought Ethan, which was awesome because he didn't really eat anything. Afterward, we went to TI and I got to drive a completely blitzed Nick and fairly okay Tylo home in Allie's new-to-her Jimmy. Our party lost Kate but gained Chris. When I went to bed the pans had been licked clean by guests.

I felt very proud of myself. It wasn't in the plan for me to cook, but I decided that I would at 3pm and at 7pm we were sitting down enjoying the food. I also played some music on myPod II which people seemed to enjoy. It was a very successful night. I'm quite proud of myself.

Tonight Kate and I are making dinner for seven people. I suppose that we're throwing a dinner party. Watch this space for updates including but not limited to: menu, guest list, inside jokes, pictures of food.

It is a cold and snowy night. The main street is deserted.The only things moving are swirls of snow.As I life the mailbox door, I feel its cold iron.There is a privacy I love in this snowy night.Driving around, I will waste more time.

1.15.2009

This 5yr old girl was a package. Perhaps this worked in 1914, but it is now illegal to ship yourself... or so I'm told. I know that persons have died while being shipped. They forget that a trailer full of packages has very little room for air. So they *gasp* suffocate. Moral of the story? Don't be stupid.

1.13.2009

yay for a powernap to punctuate these 39 hours of wakefulness. yay for my insurance card and a soon-to-be-made chiropractor appointment. yay for an overnight low of 4. yay for thursday's -8 to 0. yay for carhartts. yay for yay. boo for losing my gloves and being hungry.

1.12.2009

Stephen doesn't seem to give up. No matter how poorly they treat him or how badly a day goes, he seems to be ready to start up again the next day. It's like he wakes up and it was all a bad dream. I don't understand how it is that he avoids being discouraged.

Granted, this was reported to me by my father, but he and I talked about it. He was troubled by this apparent behavior of mine. I told him that it wasn't so bad and that it isn't an absolute behavior. That is to say that I know when enough is enough. However, in South Africa, what good would giving up do? He then thought about it and reframed it in a way that I agree with:

You don't give up until you're ready to give up. You try until you've tried everything and given every chance that you can. But, when you're done... you're done.

Yes, when I'm done, I'm done. So, let me say for the record that I'm done with currying favor. If you don't like who I am or how I am... then I'm terribly sorry. I have completely lost all patience for manipulating myself in order to have more friends. Besides, it wasn't working terribly well.

The way that attending a funeral for a woman who passed away from breast cancer freaks me out to no end.

It isn't that these ideas are unworthy in and of themselves. Rather, I just don't have the ideas fully sorted in my mind to put words to them. Perhaps I will find the words while I'm switching this week, but I've got nothing worth nothing right now.

Instead I will post some lyrics because that's easy.

(All Paramore)

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

I'm not so naiveMy sorry eyes can seeThe way you fight shyOf almost everythingWell, if you give upYou'll get what you deserve

So what'd you think I would say?No you can't run away, no you can't run awaySo what did you think I would say?No you can't run away, no you can't run awayYou wouldn't

I never wanted to say thisYou never wanted to stayI put my faith in you, so much faithAnd then you just threw it awayYou threw it away

You were finished long beforeWe had even seen the startWhy don't you stand up, be a man about it?Fight with your bare hands about it now

Fences

Yeah, yeah well you're just a messYou do all this big talkinSo now let's see you walk it.I said let's see you walk it.

crushcrushcrush

They taped over your mouthScribbled out the truth with their liesYou little spies

Born for This

Everybody sing like it’s the last song you will ever singTell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure now?Everybody live like it’s the last day you will ever seeTell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure now?

Miracle!

I don't want to run from anything uncomfortableI just want, noI just need this pain to end right here

1.11.2009

Carla Jean Moss: Where'd you get the pistol?Llewelyn Moss: At the gettin' place.Carla Jean Moss: Did you buy that gun?Llewelyn Moss: No. I found it.Carla Jean Moss: Llewelyn!Llewelyn Moss: What? Quit hollerin'.Carla Jean Moss: What'd you give for that thing?Llewelyn Moss: You don't need to know everything, Carla Jean.Carla Jean Moss: I need to know that.Llewelyn Moss: You keep runnin' that mouth I'm gonna' take you in the back and screw ya'.Carla Jean Moss: Big talk.Llewelyn Moss: Keep it up.Carla Jean Moss: Fine. I don't wanna' know. I don't even wanna' know where you been all day.Llewelyn Moss: That'll work.

Ed Tom Bell: You know Charlie Walser? Has the place east of Sanderson? Well you know how they used to slaughter beeves, hit 'em with a maul right here to stun 'em... and then up and slit their throats? Well here Charlie has one trussed up and all set to drain him and the beef comes to. It starts thrashing around, six hundred pounds of very pissed-off livestock if you'll pardon me... Charlie grabs his gun there to shoot the damn thing in the head but what with the swingin' and twistin' it's a glance-shot and ricochets around and comes back hits Charlie in the shoulder. You go see Charlie, he still can't reach up with his right hand for his hat... Point bein', even in the contest between man and steer the issue is not certain.

Anton Chigurh: Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?

Ellis: Well all the time ya spend trying to get back what's been took from ya, more is going out the door. After a while you just have to try to get a tourniquet on it.

Wendell: Yes, sir. None of the three had I.D. on 'em, but they're tellin' me all three is Mexican... was Mexicans.Ed Tom Bell: There's a question, whether they stopped being and when.

Anton Chigurh: Don't put it in your pocket, sir. Don't put it in your pocket. It's your lucky quarter.Gas Station Proprietor: Where do you want me to put it?Anton Chigurh: Anywhere not in your pocket. Where it'll get mixed in with the others and become just a coin. Which it is.

1.09.2009

At last I can be with you!The grinding hourssince I left your side!The labor of being fully human,working my opposable thumb,talking, and walking upright.Now I have unclaspedunzipped, stepped out of.Husked, soft, a be-er only,I do nothing, but pointmy bare feet into yourclean smoothnessfeel your quiet strengththe whole length of my body.I close my eyes, hear myselfmoan, so grateful to be held this way.

1.08.2009

Don't talk to me of love. I've had an earfulAnd I get tearful when I've downed a drink or two.I'm one of your talking wounded.I'm a hostage. I'm marooned.But I'm in Paris with you.

Yes I'm angry at the way I've been bamboozledAnd resentful at the mess I've been through.I admit I'm on the reboundAnd I don't care where are we bound.I'm in Paris with you.

Do you mind if we do not go to the Louvre, If we say sod off to the sodding Notre Dame, If we skip the Champs Elysées And remain here in this sleazy Old hotel room Doing this and that To what and whom Learning who you are, Learning what I am.

Don't talk to me of love. Let's talk of Paris,The little bit of Paris in our view.There's that crack across the ceiling

And the hotel walls are peelingAnd I'm in Paris with you.

Don't talk to me of love. Let's talk of Paris.I'm in Paris with the slightest thing you do.I'm in Paris with your eyes, your mouth,I'm in Paris with . . . all points south.Am I embarrassing you?I'm in Paris with you.

I'm glad that no part of my new year's resolutions were about cutting swearing out of my life. Above you can see a triptych of the layers of clothing that my injury tonight pierced. First is the Carharts, then Dickies work pants, followed my my long underwear. Yes, that is blood on the Dickies and long underwear.

I would include a picture of the wound itself, but this is a family blog. For the same reason I will not be posting the list of terrible terrible things that I said in the moments that followed. However, below is a picture of the dressed wound with a sub-wound closer to my knee. (That is part of the same incident) Also, I can tell you one word that did not escape my lips with regard to this horrible horrible event: poopy.

Tomorrow I'll see if it shows any sign of getting better. It might actually require professional care. Jimmy agrees.

[update] After a night of not being able to sleep in any position that was comfortable, the aching of the wound has subsided. My leg is still rather stiff, but I should be able to work in my (nearly) fullest capacity. This wound is not pretty though. [/update]

1.06.2009

I've had a full night's sleep. I woke up and took a shower and then cooked food. Afterward I threw in some laundry and took a nap. I awake to find that I've had a dream. My mind must love me because I've been without dreams for a while.

I dreampt that I was eating at Dairy Queen with Rachel and her dad. She was ripping on my hardcore and he wasn't really defending me, but was providing logical escape routes for me to take. The dream reached critical mass when she said, "if you want to prove something, then why don't you quit smoking?" I retorted with, "December 18th. Why do I have to prove myself to anyone?!" After that we got up to pay for the meal. I recall that the ice cream cake was very very good.

It was a very packed dream. Everything, every detail I remember reminds me of something else that seems connected. Examples: The DQ was laid out like BK by Borders. The cake was just like the Pecan pie Lynn's mom at The Gables made.

Before I go, I should explain a little. I am happy that I had a dream. I think that dreams are a sign of sleeping long enough and that they are the mind's way of processing events since the last good sleep. That there were so many symbols and people in my dream only really indicate how far and wide my mind goes in the 5 days that include New Year's Day. As far as "What does it mean?" goes, I think this dream either means nothing or it means something that I can't grasp. Either way, the only sensible thing to do is eat at Dairy Queen.

1.05.2009

It has come to my attention that I have slept for 5 hours per night on average this year. Also, I've been averaging nearly a meal a day and more than half of my daily caloric intake has been beer.

It seems that this is some very unhealthy behavior. However, I feel okay. Granted that all of the days of this year feel like a blur and I'm not very certain what today is... I still think I'm doing pretty well for myself.

My new work schedule isn't really going to help with any of those things except for the beer intake. I suppose that's a good thing. At least I could say that it's a step in the right direction.

1.02.2009

If you're out with friends past midnight, then the new day does not actually start until you've gone to bed and woken up. This sleep/unconsciousness doesn't have to be full or restful, but until you get it the day hasn't ended.

With that in mind, I was able to tack on an extra 30 hours to 2008. Wednesday morning I woke up at 10am and did not go to sleep until 6am Friday morning. Then I slept for 4 hours and began my day. I call it the 44 and 4 plan. Stay up 44 hours and sleep 4.

Highlights:I saw Jenny and made friends at her party.I caught up with Tessa about the last 5/12 ths of 2008.I gave and received some very nice back rubs (Thanks Kate and Allie)I played Burnout Domination for 5 hours in front of a cheering audience.I learned how to play catch with a deck of cards.I played LOTS of Catch Phrase.

Jaccob: "You're the ____!"Me: "The unbearable lightness of being?!"

I invented the Pancake Ball.I hung out with Ethan, who needs to hang out with the FedEx Crew more often.

Bottom line, I had a whole lot of fun. I can't think of a better way to ring in the new year than to have 2008 go out in that fashion.