Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Make America Great Again' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some surpressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes" áMichelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your A Thing series save files/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: Epilogue [Sheriff Antony]"AS YOU KNOW, every september and most decembers, you are kidnapped and tied to a chair aboard a ship" "yeah i don't know how it keeps happening" "maybe you just need a bodyguard?" "already got one of those; it doesn't help" Jakey's phone rings from within his pocket. "are you going to get that" "no it's just grace trying to tell me how she is the best bodyguard and her failing to thwart the annual kidnappings is not her fault" "you didn't even look at the phone" "we've been over this many, many times; she has created charts and graphs and there's a whole slideshow presentation about it" "jesus" "the worst part is she spends like ten minutes on each slide, and there are about forty of them" "christ i should try and make slideshows in excess of half an hour illegal" "won't work; she's got diplomatic immunity" "well the obvious solution is to have professor eif invent a diplomatic immunity removal machine" "hey that's a good idea i should try that" "thanks + take this it's a mystical artefact called the jockstrap" "uh thanks" Michelle pushes a gigantic machine into the room. "jakey check out this machine professor eif invented for me; he says if i use it you will be forced to take me home"[reward: respect +/The Jockstrap/Professor Eif missions/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 002: Remember Walking in the Sand [Sheriff Antony]"jakey we've got reports of a woman who has been lying face-down in the sandbox for hours" "so she's dead?" "no that's the weird part" "oh goddammit" Jakey immediately knows who this woman is, and dejectedly hops into The Motherfucker, heading down to the playground. Resistance Leadour lays face-down in the sandbox wearing a tan cloak, but uncharacteristically bare-armed. "ressie what are you doing" "TRAINING" "for what?!" "okay so check this out: i've already become the first vampire to resist sunlight successfully but what if i also resisted the blazing heat of the mojavistanian deserts!!! at the same time!!!" "this isn't mojavistan this is an alabamanian playground" "hence 'training' rather than 'resisting'" "but it's a cool fall day it's hardly blazing or even scorching" "that's not what i am training for!!! i am also planning to add a third resistance!!!" "you've been resisting sanity for a long time now" "a fourth one then!!! i will resist the discomfort of sand inside my clothing and sensitive body areas!!!" "you're a lot more gung-ho about this one than usual" "these are exciting times jakey!!! a new dawn is rising in the world of resistance!!!" "sorry i'm not too up on my resistance world events" "but what about that lifetime subscription to the new resistance times i got you for your birthday!!!" "oh right i love that newspaper it is in my top ten newspapers ever" "i know right!!! all those articles and columns about resistance!!! who could resist it?!" "not me that's for sure" Michelle plops down in the sand next to Resistance Leadour and does sand angels. "take me home"[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 003: Sent to Invent [Professor Eif]"yo professor eif-" "SILENCE I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A VERY DELICATE PROCEDURE" Jakey looks over and sees Professor Eif playing a game of Tetris on an old GameBoy. "uh-" "I AM VERY CLOSE TO THE WORLD RECORD I NEED YOU TO FUCK OFF" "when will you be finished" "HOPEFULLY NEVER" The door automatically slams in Jakey's face. "well that sucked" Jakey kicks at a pebble on the ground and hits Michelle in the stomach. "jakey that was not very nice; that poor pebble could have been hurt" "uh sorry" "that is okay; all will be forgiven if you take me home"[reward: respect +/Tetris t-shirt]

Mission 004: Hired Guns [Special Agent Grace]Jakey enters his apartment, and is suddenly tackled by Grace. "GET DOWN" "and move it all around?" "NOT NOW THE APARTMENT IS BEING WATCHED BY AN ASSASSIN" "oh i thought you were just happy to see me" "just delighted" Grace peers up over a table, and catches a glint of light reflecting off of a scope. "yes that is definitely a sniper no two ways about it" "so this is where you use the decoy to draw the sniper out of hiding right" "WHAT NO I DON'T WANT THE DECOY TO GET SHOT" "right of course" "i have prepared this substitute however" Grace pulls a balloon out of a pet carrier. The balloon is bright red and has Jakey's face drawn on it in black marker. "oh yes that will work beautifully; i am well-known for my large red head" "thanks i worked hard on it" Grace holds out the balloon in the sniper's line of sight. Instead of the expected sound of a gunshot, there is a light "thunk", then a scraping noise. All of a sudden, a woman crashes through the window and rolls over to the balloon. "jakey did you see tha-oh it's just a balloon" Sophia hangs her head and goes to fix the window. "this is the third time today!!!" "uh hey i-" "GAH" Sophia leaps up, startled, and nearly falls out the window. "DON'T DO THAT" "sorry i just wanted to tell you how cool your zipline was" "I KNOW RIGHT it cost me a month's assassin's wage but it was all worth it!!!" "so how will this improve your assassination technique" "... pardon?" "like how will you use this" "uh well my apartment is like right across the street from a mcdonald's so instead of climbing all the way downstairs i can just like zip down there like on the line" "oh okay that makes sense" Michelle slides down the zipline, sliding into the room. "take me home"[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 005: Hired Nuns [Special Agent Grace]Jakey sits inside his house, drinking Mountain Dew Pitch Black out of a coffee mug and reading his favourite newspaper, when suddenly Grace pops up from within his footrest, sending him toppling over. "AUGH" "JAKEY EMERGENCY" "i think i broke my neck" "you'll be fine we've got more pressing matters!!!" "like WHAT" "THE WITNESSES ARE COMING" "oh no they saw me kill that guy?!" "uh no i meant jehovah's witnesses" "ugh even worse" "quick you escape through the window while i boobytrap the corridor" "good plan" Jakey leaps through the window, breaking the glass and splattering against the street. He regains his form seconds later and runs off, continuing to run until he ends up in the Obnoxious Celtic Country. "hey jakey what are you doing here" "hey winged creature just uh running from the witnesses" "oh dear don't worry; the OCC doesn't have extradition" "it's not that kind of witness" "oh you mean the annoying religious ones i hate those i keep telling them i already have a religion that is similar to theirs only less insane but no matter how many i shoot they always send more" "tell me about it" "i just did!!!" "oh right i forgot" Michelle stomps up to Jakey. "YEAH YOU ALSO FORGOT THAT YOU'D AGREED TO TAKE ME HOME"[reward: respect +/Amber missions]

Mission 006: Hot and Bothered [Resistance Leadour]Jakey flies over the Mojave Desert in The Motherfucker, turned into a helicopter, looking for Resistance Leadour. "RESSIE ARE YOU INSANE" Jakey tosses down a second megaphone so Resistance Leadour can reply. "NOT LAST I CHECKED NO" "HOLD ON I AM GOING TO AIR DROP YOU SOME BOTTLES OF WATER" "NO DON'T THAT WILL DEFEAT THE ENTIRE POINT OF THIS TRIP" "IT WILL ALSO DEFEAT THE INSANELY HIGH CHANCES OF YOUR DEATH" "IF I DIE, IT WILL BE AS A HERO" "TO FUCKING WHO" "uh" Resistance Leadour begins to sweat more than before. "LOTS OF PEOPLE" "NAME ONE" "uh BILLY" "BILLY WHO" "BILLY uh SCHMIG" "OKAY BE RIGHT BACK" Jakey flies over to Alabama's capital. "yo king bran my man" "yo" "can i use your extensive database of all people born ever" "oh sure sure" King Bran whistles, and Emelyn races into the room, pushing a large rollodex. "let's see schmango, schmekle, schmepe, schmibble, schmig?!" Jakey takes out the Schmig card. "let's see here; paul schmig, karen schmig, johnny schmig, kenny schmig, larrissa schmig, paul schmig jr., schmitty schmig; just as i thought, no billy schmig!!!" "oh man is this a case of identity fraud oh man oh man just say the word and i will start a nationwide manhunt" "uh no nothing like that" "oh" King Bran slumps back onto his throne. "darn" "well uh thanks for the help bro" "any time any time" Jakey hops back into The Motherfucker and flies back to Mojavistan. "THERE'S NO SUCH PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD" "DID YOU CHECK THE FUTURE" "OH NO I DIDN'T BE RIGHT BACK" Jakey flies a wide circle. "YEAH NO" "shit i figured there'd be one eventually" "WHAT WAS THAT" "uh MAYBE YOU DIDN'T GO FAR ENOUGH FORWARD" "I WENT TO THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE" "LOOK CLOSER AT IT" "NO I'M GOOD" Jakey drops the rescue ladder for Resistance Leadour to climb up, but Michelle climbs up instead. "take me home"[reward: respect +/King Bran missions/Emelyn missions]

Mission 007: Time After Time [Resistance Leadour]"RESSIE I HAVE BROUGHT OVER YOUR MOTHER" "MOTHOUR DIED YEARS AGO" "I USED TIME TRAVEL" "oh goddammit" Mothour takes the megaphone from Jakey. "RESSIE WE ARE ALL WORRIED ABOUT YOU" "I'M FLATTERED BUT IT'S NOT NECESSARY I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING" "OBVIOUSLY NOT OR YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BECOME A VAMPIRE" "JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING THEN DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING NOW" "uh psst hey what should i reply to that with" "well, in a movie the mother would say something like 'no, you don't know that you're breaking my heart'" "oh wow good one" Mothour turns back around to address Resistance Leadour. "wait what was that again" "here i'll write it down" Jakey scribbles down the line on a napkin. "thanks i owe you one" Mothour turns back around a second time. "NO YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART" "..." "..." Resistance Leadour struggles mightily, but a single tear escapes from its prison and streams down her cheek. "goddammit" Jakey lowers the rope ladder, and Resistance Leadour climbs up it, reluctantly. "you're an asshole jakey" "thanks i work at it" "you do realise that once my mother's gone i'm going right back right" "yeah but i figured that if i couldn't win the war i'd at least win the battle" "you didn't like do anything untoward with my dead mother right" "no it was very toward; toward her ample bosom" "i hate you" "thanks hey is it legally necrophelia if it's her past self from before she died" Resistance Leadour does not dignify that with a response, and heads into the back of The Motherfucker to have a tearful reunion with Mothour, but Jakey is preoccupied by Michelle in the passenger's seat. "take me home"[reward: respect +/rope ladder jacket]

Mission 008: Foot in the Door [Sophia]"so uh sophie um why are you barefooted" "OH yeah i meant to tell you i came up with this amazing strategy for assassinations" "do you shoot a second gun with your feet?" "oh wow i should try that; no though i recently learned that all men are wildly attracted to the female foot" "i can say with 100% certainty that your accusations are false" "oh don't be embarrassed it's okay" "you're perpetuating a falsehood though" "oh come on you can't look me in the eye and tell me this pedicured and freshly washed foot doesn't get you going" "it doesn't" "WHAT" Sophia is visibly taken aback. "what in the world do you find attractive then?!" "you know, boobs" "..." "..." "so all i have to do is just like not wear a shirt" "yeah that would do it" "oh man i wish i'd known that earlier before i cut open my foot on that sharp rock" "here call this number and go receive some boobs lessons from the breast in the field" Jakey hands Sophia Piper's business card. "was that pun off-the-cuff" "she made me rehearse it; to be honest i didn't think i'd ever find a reason to give out these cards; i've got a whole stack of them at home" "oh wow" "oh be sure to mention that i referred you over; five referrals gets me a free mousepad" Jakey holds up a punchcard with zero holes punched into it. Michelle walks up with her own punchcard, with four holes punched into it. "take me home"[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 009: Conflict of Interest [Sophia]"jakey i am glad you're here i need help" "yes" "so i recently received two assassination contracts over the CB and had them fax me the details but they conflict with eachother" "how so" "one is from a man who owns a small business telling me to assassinate the leader of the large corporation that is driving him out of business and the OTHER one is from the leader of the large corporation telling me to assassinate the small business owner that is leaving vaguely threatening messages on his answering machine and faxing him pictures of his uh you know" Sophia's face begins to redden. She really doesn't understand why he had to send her the pictures; she would have taken his word for it. "well OBVIOUSLY the leader of the corporation is in the right here; the free market has spoken and we must respect its decision because it aligns well with my values and interests" "okay that's what i thought just checking" Sophia grabs a remote off of the table and presses the big red button on it, causing a loud explosion in the distance. "you already had his house wired with explosives?" "yeah i was like 99% sure i just wanted to double check real quick" "fair enough" Michelle is thrown through the window of Sophia's apartment, charred and blackened by the explosion. "take me home"[reward: respect +/big red button t-shirt]

Mission 010: Found Out [Sophia]"jakey i am glad you're here uh again" "the consistency is comforting" "i've gotten a fax from one of your friends that you should probably read" Sophia hands Jakey a slightly warm piece of paper, apparently fresh out of the fax machine. "'HELP HE'S FOUND ME PLEASE HELP' that's uh pretty vague" "oh right then this one came" Sophia hands Jakey a second piece of paper, warmer than the first. "'THIS IS BROOKE BTW SORRY FOR NOT BEING CLEAR THE FIRST TIME' ah" Jakey motions for Sophia to follow him, and they hop into The Motherfucker, heading down the address received by looking up the fax machine's number. "okay so here's the plan: you go in through the vents and start shooting up the place-" "GOT IT" Sophia begins to run off. "I MEANT AFTER I EXTRICATE THE HOSTAGE" "oh uh okay" Jakey shakes his head and runs into the building. "hey kathy that's an uh interesting haircut you've got there" "i'm not kathy you donut" "what" "it's me the one you're here to rescue" Jakey looks puzzled for a moment. "no, i'm pretty sure brooke has black hair" "my whackjob father used some weird jew chemical on it and removed the dye" "yeah about that i was wondering; you're like thirty years old shouldn't you be able to run/ruin your own life" "you'd think but my meals agreement i had to sign to get fed when i was a kid put me in servitude to my family for fifty years" "i don't think anything you sign while underage has any legal clout" "but if a court tried to say that he'd just call them anti-semetic and they'd reverse their decision" "dammit he's thought of everything" "that's why i called the assassin; now get me out of here before anyone notices" "right" Jakey grabs Brooke and carries her out to The Motherfucker, then gives Sophia the signal to start shooting wildly. "so where to miss" "could you drop me off at the hair dye store" "got it" Michelle leans forward between Jakey and Brooke. "after that can you take me home"[reward: respect +/Brooke missions]

Mission 011: Ding Dong [Sophia]"good news jakey; operation holocaust was completed successfully" "um i appreciate it but you probably shouldn't go bragging about that one outside of this room" "don't worry i covered my tracks so they think it was just a gas leak" "that is inarguably the worst thing you could have done to cover it up" "oh oh well whatever next time i'll just incinerate the bodies" "why not try flooding? i'm pretty sure there hasn't been historical outrage over drowning jews" "i'll keep that one in mind" Sophia writes down "DROWN THE JEWS" on her notepad. "so are you hungry" "yes killing jews works up an appetite" "okay uh you wait here i'll go get some takeout" "aw and i dressed up all nice too" "you're wearing the same outfit you always wear" "what no it's not my usual outfit is lavender-coloured; this one is lilac" "i probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference even if you held them side-by-side" "oh" Sophia hangs her head. "i dressed up all nice and you can't even tell" "normally when women 'dress up all nice' they were like dresses or something" "oh that's a good idea i'll have to write that one down" Sophia writes "BUY DRESS" underneath "DROWN THE JEWS" on her notepad. Michelle walks into the room, carrying three meals of takeout Chinese food. "okay it's time to eat and then after that it will be time to take me home"[reward: respect +/notepad jacket]

Mission 012: Cars and Stripes [Amber]"yo amber how's the car salesmaneering going" "it's a slow week; i've been thinking of having a gigantic 0.5% off sale but i can't think of an occasion" "let's see september september uh we missed the boat on 'back-to-school' but there's always 'still in school'" "oh let me write that one down" Amber produces a notepad and scribbles it down. "HELP HELP" Jakey and Amber turn toward the scream and watch as a woman runs straight past them, drops a fat stack of cash, and climbs into a brand new car, and drives off. Amber grabs the stack of cash and begins to count it. "exactly enough" "and there's this note" "read it read it" "'dear jakey + car salesman lady with wings(?) sorry that i couldn't stay and chat/haggle/what-have-you but i need to get away from my psychotic father for i have no interest in continuing the family business - regards on top of regards, manhattan (((orenstein)))'" "i appreciate the jewish echo" "god bless these race traitors; they will be spared on the day of reckoning" "word up" Michelle hops into a brand new sports car. "jakey hop in i'll take you home" "..." "..." "..." "okay fine you can take me home"[reward: respect +/still in school t-shirt]

Mission 013: I Can Feel it Coming in the Air Tonight [Amber]"hey jakey good news i just got in a brand new shipment of cars; the newest most expensive models too" "wow they certainly look expensive and new" "i cannot wait to sell them" "i'll bet; it's not every day that you receive a line-up of cars like this one" "hey wait what's that" Amber points upward at a fiery mass hurtling toward the earth. "OH NO SAVE THE CARS" Amber runs over and attempts to push a line of cars out of the way of the fiery wreckage, but ends up being crushed herself. "THAT WASN'T A VERY GOOD IDEA" Jakey waits for a sarcastic response, but gets none in return. "... a-amber?" "I'M OKAY" Michelle crawls out of the wreckage of the plane. "it's okay jakey you can take me home"[reward: respect +/wings jacket]

Mission 014: I've Been Waiting for This Moment for All My Life [Amber]Jakey hops into his time machine, ready to make things right. The fiery tragedy of yesterday is going to be cleansed from the history books, as Jakey puts on his time goggles and warps backward to the morning before the incident. "is this what that 'morning' thing looks like? it's way too bright how do people stand this" Jakey shields his eyes as he hops into the past version of The Motherfucker, and flies over to the Pixington Auto Showroom, where a truckload of of cars is being delivered. Amber has set up a robotic decoy to sign the papers for her as she sleeps. Once the papers are signed, Bailey hops back into her truck and drives off for the next load. Jakey waits high above the showroom until an explosion is heard from above. "THERE IT IS" Jakey flies straight upward, and uses the magnet underneath The Motherfucker to grab the falling aircraft from the sky. Michelle climbs up into the passenger seat of The Motherfucker. "wow nice timing jakey; just uh set the plane down anywhere and take me home"[reward: respect +/exploding airplane t-shirt]

Mission 015: Sales Pitch [Amber]"jakey so good to see you i need your help; i have got two customers here and there is only one of me so could you please help me by selling that guy a car" "will do" Jakey walks over to where Deputy Orange is standing. "yo deputy orange my man how is life" "not so good; the deputy orangemobile has broken down for good and i need a physical replacement, even if there is no sentimental replacement" "yes yes that makes sense my dog come check this one out" Jakey leads Deputy Orange over to a bright blue supercar. "this is the most expensive car on the lot!!!" "you get what you pay for as they say, and it's definitely true for cars; this thing can go at a rate of MILES per hour" "how many miles?" "A LOT OF THEM" "wow i can only go like three miles per hour on foot if i am lucky" "i guarantee that this car can do at least ten times that" "wow" "also check this out" Jakey opens the door of the car. "it's got enough room for two whole people to fit inside, and also room for two whole cups to be held" "JESUS CHRIST I'LL TAKE IT" Deputy Orange begins to huck wads of cash at Jakey's chest. Jakey doesn't stop Deputy Orange until he feels enough wads have been thrown to pay for the car. "i'll take you over the paperwork inside" Jakey shoos Deputy Orange into the back room while he pockets the cash himself. "oh good timing i just finished selling your sister a car" "oh no" Michelle honks the horn and motions for Jakey to hop in. "okay i don't know how to drive this thing so you're going to have to take me home"[reward: respect +/$150,000/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 016: And I Approve This Message [King Bran]"oh good there you are; i need to do something big to regain publicity" "but you're the most publicised guy ever!!!" "i used to be, until that us president donald trump started making waves and building walls" "oh yeah that" "so i've decided to make people pay attention to me again by finally dealing with all the undead roaming about alabama" "oh good i hate zombies" "i was thinking more about the vampire population" "bad idea" "why" "vampires have historically voted in favour of your interests" "wait what i didn't know vampires got to vote" "you don't know about the undead sufferage laws?! there was a gigantic war about it back in 1743!!!" "that was a canadian war" "yeah and then the king bran of that time decided it wasn't worth the loss of life, so he just gave most types of undead the ability to vote" "most types?" "zombies can't vote but that's more because they can't pass the voter's license tests" "so we could wipe them out without affecting my own political interests?" "i believe so" "all right!!!" King Bran makes some calls around to his military, and Jakey calls Gwendolyn. "yo gwendo you might hear something about a cleansing of the undead from alabama but don't worry it's just zombies" "oh good i hate zombies" "oh hey got to let you go i've got a call on the other line" "okay kill some zombies for me" "will do" Jakey hangs up on Gwendolyn and answers the call from Michelle. "hey jakey i just called to make sure you remembered to take me home"[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 017: Milk Chocolate [King Bran]"ah jakey you're just in time to taste test my new cando bar" "uh don't you mean candy bar" King Bran lets out a loud, sharp laugh. "oh how na´ve you are; this is the royal bran cando bar!!! such named because once you eat it, you feel like you CANDO ANYTHING" "oh makes sense" "now come and let the milk chocolately rush overpower your senses" Jakey sits down and is cut off a slice of a gigantic Royal Bran Cando Bar. Jakey grabs his knife and fork and eagerly digs in to the chocolately treat. Immediately, Jakey is overcome with energy and passion for life. "holy shit what's in this" "caffeine" "I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE ON THE WORLD" "that's not the slogan" "oh sorry; I FEEL LIKE I CANDO ANYTHING" "that's it; don't forget to try the other flavours: kingly caramel, kingly krisply krunch, royal nougat, and my favourite: peanut butter monarchy" "I'LL BUY YOU OUT" Jakey's arm shakes rapidly as he gets out his chequebook. "you'll have to wait until it hits store shelves like everyone else" "orrrrrrrrr i COULD use the CANDO ENERGY to steal it out from under your noses!!!" "ha i'd like to see you-" Before King Bran can finish his sentence, Jakey has rumbled his way out of the castle with as many cando bars as he can carry. "-try" Michelle vibrates into the room. "hey wait where'd jakey go he was supposed to take me home"[reward: respect +/Royal Bran Cando Bar t-shirt]

Mission 018: Financial Planning [Emelyn]"yo emmo what's up with the sunglasses" "i am currently in the process of fixing the economy and since smart people tend to wear glasses i decided that i couldn't hurt to try it out but all we had were these aviators" "how's it working for you" "i can't see very well even with all these lamps" "my eyes are burning" "yeah they'll do that to you" "so how did a maid get stuck with fixing the economy" "well the king said it was a real mess so i took it upon myself to clean it up" "he was speaking metaphorically" "my contract states that i must clean up all messes, literal or metaphorical" "fair enough" "so jakey do you know anything about economies" "can't say that i do" "well i guess i'll just use the tried and true tactic passed down from maid to maid for generations" Emelyn places all of her economics books on the floor, then places a rug over them. "if you can't see it, it's not there" "smart" Jakey and Emelyn go to walk out of the room, when the rug in front of the door lets out an "OOF". Jakey lifts the rug to find Michelle. "thank god i've been trapped under there for weeks; take me home"[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 019: Open Door Policy [Emelyn]"jakey i am sick and tired of people opening glass doors by pushing on the glass it is rude and i would be less insulted if they were to flip me the bird and set my hair on fire" "that is an uh interesting position to take" "it is the CORRECT ONE" "okay no need to yell" "i have tried putting up a sign politely asking people not to do it but it ended up making MORE people do it" "you really should have known that wouldn't work" "i have tried installing security cameras, but they keep getting stolen" "oh those were yours?" Jakey begins to sweat in place. "i have tried camping out in the air vents but i got stuck and had to be pried out with a crowbar" "that happened to me once" "but that is all in the past; i have come up with a FINAL SOLUTION to my little problem" "oh boy oh boy i love final solutions" "i figured you would" Emelyn pulls a gigantic tarp off of a brand new door defense system. "anyone who touches this glass will be struck down by THIS" "is that a fucking nuclear missile" "yes; king bran said i could have it if i'd stop bugging him about it" "well if he says it's okay then i trust his judgement" Michelle skips over to the glass door and puts up her hand to push on the glass of the door. In a panic, Jakey tackles her into the wall. "take me home"[reward: respect +/glass door t-shirt/FINAL SOLUTION t-shirt]

Mission 020: Moving the Goalposts [Piper]"oh jakey i am glad you are here!!!" "i am glad i am here as well" "having completed both of my life's goals of compiling the world's most complete stamp collection, and having also completed the set of gigantic tableware, i was in a funk for a long while with nothing to do as i approach the middle age" Jakey holds his mouth firmly shut, not knowing how to tell Piper that she is currently experiencing the middle age. "but!!! i have come up with a grand solution to not only keep myself busy and fulfilled, but also to solidify my legacy for the future generations!!!" "this ought to be good" "i am going to create my OWN set of grand artefacts for future generations to collect!!!" "okay what's the concept" "i have bunch of prototypes and i need you to decide which is best!!!" "okay lay them on me" "okay so you know how all the kids are into collectible trading cards? well i have created my own trading cards!!!" Piper hands Jakey a stack of her new Medical Procedure trading cards. "prostate exam? chemotherapy? triple bypass? p-pap smear?! what the fuck is that" "you don't have to worry about that one" "oh good i wouldn't want to have my pap smeared" "it's not pleasant" "so uh these cards are um interesting but i don't think they're LEGENDARY" "okay okay how about these little beanbag animals" "they already tried that a couple decades ago; it worked well for a bit but now they can't give them away" "hmm okay check this out" Piper hands Jakey a Barbie doll, but with massive breasts. "i like this a lot but i don't think parent groups will" "oh pfft why not?" "they'll say it 'gives little girls unrealistic expectations'" "WHAT how is it unrealistic?! if anything barbie herself is the one creating unrealistic expectations!!! she's flat as a board!!!" "well-" "okay how about this one" Piper hands Jakey a second Barbie doll, but with even larger breasts. "they could stand to be bigger" "oh okay yeah" Piper hands Jakey another invention. "a broken clock?" "it's right two whole times a day!!!" "next" Piper hands Jakey a piece of wood with wet paint on it. "um what" "everyone loves watching paint dry!!! but when it IS dry, all the fun just stops!!! so i have created paint that will NEVER dry!!!" "that's impressive but i don't think anyone will actually want that" "fine fine fine" Piper hands Jakey some milk cartons. "well i mean i like milk and all but-" "so you know how milk cartons have pictures of missing people on them? that's so depressing!!! so i have created milk cartons with pictures of people who AREN'T missing!!!" "what's the point" "to make you feel content in the knowledge that these people are safe and sound in their homes!!!" "this is more of a mass market product than a true COLLECTIBLE" "okay okay how about these" Piper hands Jakey a bunch of photographs. "these are really blurry but they're shoes?" "these are pictures people accidentally took of their feet!!!" "and why would anyone want these?" "they are little miracles!!! these pictures would not exist if not for an errant sneeze or twitch!!! a true act of god!!!" "i'd never thought of it that way" "it's beautiful isn't it!!!" "kind of, yeah" "so is this the one?!" "no this belongs in a museum not in some dank cave somewhere to rot" "oh yes yes you're right" "anything else" "no i'm fresh out unfortunately" "oh" "well i have THIS thing" Piper holds out Michelle. "take me home"[reward: respect +/Piper's inventions appear at safehouses]

Mission 021: An Act of Charity [Piper]"yo piper any new inventions" "the creative juices aren't flowing so well so i've put that on the backburner for now; instead i am starting my own charity" "really?" "yeah i can't believe no one has made this particular type of charity yet; most are intent on trying to cure some disease that won't be cured in our lifetime; my charity has an attainable goal!!!" "which is?" "millions of young adult women are stricken with a terrible curse; one that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy; a flat chest" Jakey recoils involuntarily. "don't even speak of such horrors" "when my daughter wasn't a double-D by the age of 14, i did what any sensible, loving mother would have done and made SURE she had proper breast implants" "you are a gift from heaven itself" "at first i thought the mothers who didn't do this were cruel, unfit parents, but i have since realised that maybe it is a lack of means!!! so all donations will go to helping poor, unfortunate women achieve the bust they deserve!!!" A single tear streams down Jakey's face as he claps for Piper's beautiful ambition. "i know it's a bit early but can i call you 'saint piper'" "of course!!!" Michelle walks over to Saint Piper and gives her a gigantic hug, single tears streaming down her face in solidarity with the unfortunate flat women of the world, because now they, too, can be as busty as she. "take me home"[reward: respect +/half of your money donated to Piper's charity]

Mission 022: Crisis [Brooke]"JAKEY SOUND THE CRISIS ALARM IT'S A CRISIS" "are you sure? last time you had me sound the crisis alarm it was because you had lost your keys and right after the first crisis bing you found them inside the microwave" "that was totally a crisis!!! it just so happened that the crisis was resolved quickly, which is what you want" "brooke the SWAT team came and flooded the entire building with tear gas" "that was the SWAT team? i thought it was just some local kids playing pranks" "where would they get tear gas?" "same place they get the firecrackers, rotten eggs, and banana peels i'd imagine" "fair enough" "ANYWAY, the crisis!!! all of the stores in not only the O.C.C. but in alabama and mojavistan and canada and even HELL ITSELF are out of black hairdye!!!" "that's uh strange" "HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED NOW OF ALL TIMES" Just then, Michelle bursts into the room, covered from head to toe in black hairdye. "jesus what happened to you" "i don't want to talk about it; take me home"[reward: respect +/Crisis Alarm t-shirt]

Mission 023: My PC Can't Run the Crisis Alarm [Brooke]"hello brooke i take it you couldn't find any black hair dye since last we spoke" "well gamestop is offering a can as a preorder bonus for RYSE: son of rome II but i don't want to be a roman so i had to settle for brown" "if it's any consolation, brown is superior in every single way" "if you say so" "so anyway why are you two still here after being found by two separate insane parents" "oh no one would ever expect people on the lam to come back to the place they were found at originally that would just be dumb" "thus it is the smartest thing to do" "i'll uh take you word for it" "shame about kathy though" "there's nothing anyone can do; she drank the jewl-aid" "i bet she's having a barmitzvah right now" "aren't those just for the boys" "i wouldn't know; i'm not a dirty jew" "fair enough" Just then, Michelle bursts into the room, covered from head to toe in brown hairdye. "jesus what happened to you" "i got hit by a hairdye truck and am bleeding profusely under the hairdye; take me home"[reward: respect +/Jewl-Aid t-shirt]

Mission 024: Cyber Crime [Deputy Orange]"JAKEY GOOD I NEED BACKUP" "uh-oh" "CRIMINALS HAVE UPLOADED THEIR BRAINS TO THE INTERNET AND ARE USING THEIR AVATARS TO DESTROY POPULAR WEBSITES FROM WITHIN THE INTERNET ITSELF" "what that's not how technology works" "oh sorry false alarm then" Deputy Orange hangs his holster back up. "guess i'm off to arrest a prank caller then" Deputy Orange leaves his office and waves to Jakey without turning back. Jakey looks around to make sure he's alone, and begins to rummage through Deputy Orange's things. "jesus this drawer is full of candy!!!" Jakey looks around again. "i'm sure he won't mind if i take some" Jakey grabs a plastic bag from the plastic bag drawer and dumps all the candy into it, and leaves a note to cover his tracks. The note reads 'the prank call was just a ruse so i could steal your candy - from defnitely not jakey'. "that ought to do" Jakey checks the final drawer in Deputy Orange's desk, and out pops Michelle. "take me home"[reward: respect +/a bag of candy appears at safehouses]