Turning My Pain Into Victory

I started this blog as a form of therapy. I wanted to share some of the experiences that I was having as a divorced single mother trying to rebuild my life. When I left my husband and the financial dust settled I was consumer debt free and had a plan to pay off my student loans, purchase a house and buy a new car. I was able to live in this fantasy for aproximatly 5 months. The car was purchased, an aggressive student loan payment plan was mapped out and I had a decent emergency fund. Then my ex-husband decided to quit his six figure job and stop paying child support and health insurance for our daughter. My financial world crumbled.

With a new car, apartment rent that was $900/ month, child care that was also $900/month, student loans and other regular expenses like food, lights and internet it was not long before I burned through the emergency fund and began living on credit cards just to make ends meet. At that time I made roughly 34k per year and I just wasn’t making money fast enough. I didn’t qualify for any assistance programs because I was above the poverty level and I had a child support judgement that, even though he was not paying it, counted as income. I got a second job but didn’t have enough time available to work in order for it to really make a difference financially. I was completely stressed out and didn’t know where to turn or what to do. Thankfully the courts didn’t buy my ex’s story about wanting to work for himself and spend more time with his child and compelled him to pay however since he was self employed it took over 6 months before they could gauge how much money he was bringing in.

It was at this moment that I realized the depths he was willing to sink in order to make my life as difficult as possible because I deigned to leave him. I formulated a plan because I had a child to take care of and I enjoyed eating and having a roof over our heads. I signed up as a ride share driver, I applied for and got a new position at work and consolidated some debt. Things were slowly looking up. During this time I also started talking to other women and found that my story was not unique. There were so many women who have been disproportionately affected economically by divorce that I created a financial coaching company named Liberty Financial Services. I had been informally coaching friends and family for years about the benefits of budgeting, investing and retirement savings but I now knew that there was a market for this. I was terrified to begin this process formally because of my limiting belief in myself. I registered the business, held one successful goal setting seminar then promptly freaked out and put the business aside.

During the next two years while I was hiding my light under a bushel and building and complimenting my own debt freedom plan I started a new job at a new company. I was able to purchase a home and then applied for and received a new role at with my company. Things were looking up but I knew that I was ignoring my calling. A few months ago I finally got out of my own way and I officially hung out my shingle for Liberty Financial Services and started talking about my business, created a website and became more active in the Facebook group that I created two years ago. I then landed my first paid speaking engagement at a women’s conference and I was able to positively impact the lives of the women in attendance. I have a few coaching clients and am working on building an online course as well. I realized that when we hide our gifts from the world we are simply playing small and when we play small we serve no one.

My mission is to teach women how to manage their finances and build wealth via financial literacy courses and coaching. I am incredibly passionate about this because I know that with the right tools their lives will be transformed and they will leave a lasting legacy for their families and communities. I invite you to join the journey and subscribe to my other blog http://www.libertyfinancialllc.com where I will be sharing strategies and tips for paying down debt, building wealth and reducing financial stress because I truly believe that when you gain knowledge you gain freedom.

At the close of every year people start thinking about the year that has gone by and all the things that they didn’t do. The weight that they didn’t lose, the job that they didn’t get, the relationships that didn’t turn out like they thought they would and the bills that they didn’t pay off. Once you start listing all of your failures, reliving the disappointments and beating yourself up for missed opportunities it should come as no surprise that you will feel pretty crappy. You will be only see yourself as the person who didn’t get things done or the person who is unworthy of moving forward.

I started a process a couple of years ago that entailed only listing the things that I accomplished, and it has changed my perception myself and my efforts heading into the new year. I focused on the bills I was able to pay off. The trips or adventures I was able to take. The experiences I was able to have with my family and friends. The improvements I was able to make in my career. The improvement of existing friendships and relationships that occurred as well as the steps I that I took to improve my health and fitness.

Another way that I was able to start the year off more positively was by no longer making resolutions. When I used to make resolutions I seemed to, invariably, forget all about the lofty pledges that I made by the third week of January and at the end of the year I had no real measurable way to gauge my successes or missteps, so I stayed in a rut. I have been making yearly goals instead and breaking those goals down into actionable steps that I can work on then every three months I look back at my goals and realign my efforts, if needed, to stay on track. 2018 was a year of financial setbacks, fractured friendships, new career opportunities, travel with friends and family and deeper bonds. By keeping my tracker handy and setting quarter reminders on my calendar I have been able to complete more of my goals.

The final thing that I commit to every year is reading one self-improvement book per month. I am an avid reader and typically read about 25+ books per year but I realized a few years ago that if I wanted to grow as a person in all areas I would need to expand my thinking. I have read personal finance books, parenting books, autobiographies of people who inspire me and books about forgiveness, courage and strength. I with each book I read (or re-read) I add another dimension to my way of thinking that helps me stretch and expand my thinking so that I can be my best self.

Keeping a goal tracker, focusing on and celebrating my annual wins (no matter how small), and feeding my mind on positive and growth centered information has helped me stay focused, positive and has added to my resilience. I highly encourage you to add these things to your new year routine this year and watch your life move in the direction of your dreams.

The last time that you made a mistake what was the first thing that you said to yourself? Was it “Oh well mistakes happen. I will do better next time.” Or was it more along the lines of “I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe that I did that.”? For the majority of us we are more closely aligned with the second statement. It can be incredibly difficult to be kind to ourselves because it is generally not something that is taught at home. We are taught to be kind to the neighbors, the adults in our lives, to pets and even to inanimate objects like our toys and the furniture but rarely are we taught to be kind to ourselves. If you think about that it is no wonder that most adults have a hard time with intimacy. How can we practice forgiveness, kindness and acceptance with our friends and families if we are haven’t first perfected it within ourselves?

As a parent I strive to teach my daughter to be a good person, to be self assured and confidant but as we all know children learn more by osmosis then by the words I tell her. Sure I can tell her to love herself just the way she is but if I am constantly criticizing my hair or body she will learn to do the same. If I tell her that she is smart and can learn anything if she applies herself to the task but then I give up after the first attempt to put together her doll house she will think that its ok to quit when things get hard. If I tell her that is ok that she spilled her cereal all over the table because mistakes happen then when I spill my tea on the floor I call myself and idiot she will think that this type of self talk is the right way to go. If I loose my temper and raise my voice at her and hurt her feelings but don’t apologize to her once I have calmed down then I am teaching her that it is ok to take my frustrations out on other people without consequence or without making amends.

I have also observed many people who are extremely hard on themselves when it comes to dealing with loss. It seems that the further outside of our control the loss is, the harder people are on themselves. The expectation is that we should be able to bounce back from being laid off, the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship within two to three weeks. When that grieving process actually can take months or years. Instead of treating ourselves with compassion and kindness we will often berate ourselves, heap on guilt and lots of negative self talk about how weak we are or how we should “be over it” already. The irony of this situation is that the more we berate ourselves instead of allowing ourselves to sit in the pain until it runs its course is that it will often extend the grieving process.

Once I began to recognize this pattern within myself and in those around me I devised a system to help me be kinder to myself so that others would be able to mirror the behavior.

Step 1: When I find myself using negative self talk I stop and reverse that statement. For example if I have missed a due date for a project at work instead of berating myself I say “I missed the mark there but I will do my best to hit the next target.” This allows me to acknowledge my misstep but encourage me to move forward.

Step 2: Recognize and acknowledge that I am human and that mistakes will happen. I make an effort to learn from the mistakes that I have made and I do my best to make better choices next time. Often times we will hold ourselves to much higher standards than we apply to other people, however the more we do this the more likely it is that our self talk will be negative and will lead to anger and irritation.

Step 3: If I have lost my temper with someone else or hurt their feelings, instead of ignoring the offense or trying to downplay it I go to them and acknowledge my poor behavior, extend a sincere apology and ask for their forgiveness. This step is something that must be done as soon as I realize that my behavior was unfair. I have found that the longer that I procrastinate with this step the more likely it will be that I won’t do it at all which will lead to more guilt and negative self talk.

While I would love to tell you that by following these three steps I have completely eliminated negative self talk and am living a completely joyous life, that is not the case. However what I can truthfully say is that these three steps have greatly reduced the frequency and duration of my negative self talk. I have also watched my daughter improve her self talk and watched her confidence in herself bloom as a result of her seeing me walk this process out and talk to her about these step. I have watched her practice these steps with her close friends and their friendships seem much stronger because of it. I have seen my personal and professional relationships deepen because of this process as well. I highly encourage you to implement these processes in your daily life in order to improve your self image and peace of mind.

All things come to an end. Jobs, friendships, relationships, great parties and wonderful television series. Most things we can move on from fairly quickly like jobs we didn’t particularly enjoy, television series that reached a logical conclusion and friendships that gently drifted apart. There are other events in our lives that are much harder to let go of like the friendship that you seem to value more than the other person, so you end up feeling like a barnacle hanging on to someone who barely even knows you are there. A job you once loved but due to budget cuts you are relieved of your duties. The last and most challenging one is the relationship that is, for the most part fulfilling, but has no real future.

The relationship that has a lot of love, caring and sexual fulfillment but you both know won’t go any further is the hardest to shake. You both understand the other persons desires, encourage each other to be your best selves and share your fears, hopes and dreams. One might say that this is the perfect relationship, and, on the surface, it is. However, the reality is that when one person wants more of a commitment than the other person is willing or able to provide then it will never work. It will always be just enough of a relationship to get your immediate needs met but will never move beyond great evenings or weekends. It will never progress to co-mingling of holidays with the kids or vacations with friends. Once you have the revelation that this will be all that will ever be, what is next? Do you stay in the relationship due to comfort or fear of not finding another person who you are able to connect with as well? Do you end the relationship on a high note and reminisce fondly about the good times you were able to share? Or do you hold on tight to this connection until it dies a slow death of resentment and anger for years wasted?

There really is no one size fits all answer to this question. As much as we all like to think that we have the best advice for our friends and strangers on the internet, no one else is truly able to tell us how to live our lives. It would be amazing to be able to go to a trusted relationship guru who would hear your story, rub their chin then spit out an answer that would solve all of your problems. You would then be able to follow that advice with ease and no discomfort. The reality is that people are messy beings and because of this messiness relationships are messy and non-linear. You can fall in love at 15, marry your high school sweetheart and live happily ever after. You could meet the love of your life in your 70’s while your spouse of 30 years is in a coma. You could connect very deeply with someone who helps you heal from the pain of divorce, but they are unable to become your life partner.

In this age of instant dating, ghosting, missed connections and misdirection it can be a challenge to cultivate real connections with people who are looking for the same things. Many times, people will put their best foot forward during the initial dating process but after a few dates their true intentions begin to shine through. I have personally found the current dating landscape to be a bit desolate, at times, and only venture out into it in fits and starts. I have seen the same pattern repeat itself numerous times with men who are only trying to find a new bed partner or a new person to meet with immediately and if you are unable to meet these demands due to your work schedule, parenting duties or other life obligations then they become surly or disappear altogether. This makes the comfort of an unavailable yet understanding romantic partner so much more appealing and makes it less likely that one will put too much effort into being disappointed or frustrated with someone new. It can be tempting to drown ourselves in hobbies, work, our children or families rather than open ourselves up to pain but as I approach the age of forty I have found that the old adage is true, and it really is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. I will continue to live my life to the fullest and eventually I will meet a person who is traveling the same wave length and we will be able to comingle our lives and passions at the same time.

At some point in our lives we all have encountered toxic people. Perhaps it has been a parent, best friend or romantic partner. It can be very difficult to maintain positive relationships with people who seem to go out of their way to make your life more difficult. How can you have a positive relationship with a parent who consistently makes cutting comments in the guise of preparing you for the real world when their comments only break your spirit? Is it possible to call a friend a true friend when they belittle you and don’t support your dreams? Can you trust the declarations of love from a romantic partner who goes out of their way to undermine your self-worth?

These are questions that I have been asking myself while navigating life as a divorced mother who must exist in the world with a co-parent who seems to delight in making things as challenging as possible. When my six-year-old looks me in the eye and asks me “why life has to be this way” after the latest purposeful disappointment from her father, I find myself attempting to explain to her that we can’t control other people’s behavior we can only continue to be kind even in the face of disappointments. I see loved ones who are being taken advantage of by their parent’s then being quilted into relationships that I know will end with pain for them while their parents will continue to live guilt free lives. I have seen people betrayed by those that they considered to be close friends only to have those people use the inside information that they gained through the friendship to cause them harm.

Most people on the outside considering the above-mentioned situations would say the best thing that you could do for yourself would be to cut all ties to these people. However it is not always as simple as that. It is not easy to walk away from parents, close friends or romantic partners. Instead you have to define what those relationships will look like and how they will function. Based on my observations I have composed a toxic relationship checklist to help determine if a relationship can be maintained as is, improved or must be released.

I’ve seen people maintain relationships with toxic people out of obligation. Usually they will make excuses for accepting this subpar treatment or even blame themselves for the situation. These one-sided connections often lead to lowered self-esteem and expectations and can lead to a warped view of what is acceptable behavior and what they are willing to accept from other people.

Relationships can be improved if, and only if, the behaviors that have caused pain have been identified. Then an open and honest dialog needs to be had. That person then needs to acknowledge what has been said, apologize and make a real effort to not make the same mistakes. Then and only then can that relationship be maintained. Often it is better than it was before because communication and expectations have become clearer.

If the person who wronged you refuses to acknowledge the issues you have raised and instead chooses to deny or deflect then this relationship will need to be released. Once a person has recognized and identified toxic behavior and has attempted to reach out to the perpetrator but receives pushback and gas lighting, then it is a sign that this person has no real intention of being fully present in the relationship in a way that is mutually beneficial and that is not someone that you should maintain close ties with. As I have mentioned before it is not always easy to sever ties with people you have known for long periods of time or that you care for deeply. If you don’t want to completely sever ties with your mother, for example, it would be better to limit your contact with her. Modify the amount of time that you spend with her and in time you will find that it the peace that you feel away from that toxic relationship will far outweigh any thing else.

When it is all said and done we are in control of who we allow into our space. The world will try to overwhelm you with connections, opportunities, expectations and trials that we have very little control over. It is in our best interest to try limit our exposure to people who bring us more pain, anxiety and sadness than joy, peace and love. The choice is yours, choose wisely.

True love. This phrase has been drilled into our heads by fairy-tales and movies with happy endings all of our lives. It conjures up thoughts of men on white horses charging in to save the day. Teenage boys standing in the rain with boomboxes overhead and one on one basketball games for the chance to win someone’s love and affections. However, the reality of love is much less newsworthy. Authentic love requires us to love with our whole heart. When I first encountered the concept of wholehearted love it was in Brené Brown’s book The Gifts Of Imperfection: Let Go Of Who You Think You’re Supposed To Be And Embrace Who You Are. As a qualitative researcher, she spends a lot of time collecting data on various topics and then following the truths revealed by that study. From the data she gathered regarding love she came up with a definition that I think is much more accurate than the vision we currently have.

Through the data she defines love this way:

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something that we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them-We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damages the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”

By this definition it is plain to see why many relationships do not thrive. Most people spend so much of their lives protecting their own feelings that they never truly open up and allow themselves to be vulnerable with anyone. I know that it has been a challenge for me to allow myself to be wholehearted with family, friends and romantic partners throughout my life and I believe that this inability to trust someone else with my feelings has crippled many of my connections. This fear of being hurt has led me to shallow friendships and uneven romantic partnerships because I found myself hustling for my worthiness instead of reveling in the fullness of who I am.

The first thing that I did to correct this imbalance was to learn to love myself by these standards. How can I expect to attract a romantic partner who exhibits these traits unless I first cultivate them in myself? How can I expect my friends and family to trust me with their inner most feelings if I am unable to trust myself with my own emotions? Loving myself, flaws and all was harder than I thought it would be and took a lot of work. Heck I still need to remind myself to be respectful, kind and to show myself affection but I’ve gotten much better at it over the last couple of years. I’ve taught myself how to do manicures and some fun nail art, started working with a trainer to build strength, started taking better care of my skin and nutrition and when times get tough or I miss the mark I try to speak kindly to myself to get through the rough times.

During this process I also began to be more honest with my friends and family about my feelings and began to be more purposeful in communicating my feelings with them. I also began to be more open with my romantic partner about my feelings and desires for our relationship and this has created a wonderful safe space for us to explore what we mean to each other and how we want to shape our connection moving forward. These types of interactions are still very new and nerve racking for me however I began trusting the people in my inner circle enough to share my feelings of love, appreciation, joy and thankfulness for our connection. To my surprise instead of them running from me, as has always been my fear, these connections have blossomed into deeper connections. I have also been able to extend this courage to the workplace and am now speaking up, offering suggestions and being more forthcoming with my concerns which has created new opportunities for me to advance my career within the company.

This process has shown me that there is an amazing strength in vulnerability. It takes courage to allow someone to have access to your feelings, however the reward of deeper connections far outweighs the fear of rejection. It has not been all roses during this journey. I have faced rejections, the pain of knowing that my feelings were not reciprocated or that some people do not want to form deeper bonds and I have learned that this is OK. Through this definition of love I have embraced the idea that “Love is not something that we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow”. Thinking of love in this way has allowed me to have a sense of peace because I know that I am living and loving with my whole heart even if friendships end, family connections change or romantic partners leave and that is pretty amazing.

There have been times in my life when I have been hurt by someone that I care about. I am talking about small hurts like they don’t call when they say they will and large hurts like a broken friendship, a destroyed romantic relationship and broken familial ties. Over time these injuries add up and can make us timid in our relationships, overly cautious in romantic relationships and generally living in fear of pain.

Last year I read Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind To Yourself by Kristin Neff and in it she asked the question “What if instead of being disappointed in people for not living up to the potential that we believe them to have we treat them as if they are already doing the best that they can?” She said that she conducted a group therapy session with Pastors who do a lot of community outreach with people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol and they were expressing their frustration with people who keep having the same issues over and over again. They felt anger towards the people they were helping and were on the verge of giving up on them. When she posed this question to them by framing it as “If God told you that these people were doing the best that they could how would that change the way you continue your outreach?” She said that when they thought about it this way many of them broke down in tears because it changed their whole perspective of these people and they could no longer feel anger towards them because they were doing their best.

So, I started thinking of people who have harmed me emotionally and asked myself “What if this really is the best that they can do? What if they have reached their capacity for caring?” I must admit that I was also brought to tears because I could no longer hold on to my “righteous” anger. I could no longer hold them to standards that I had built for them in my mind that they, clearly, were not living up to. I thought about watching my child learn to walk and not getting angry with her because she constantly fell. Instead I treated her with compassion and encouraged her to keep trying and sure enough she learned to walk and has been running ever since.

I am not suggesting that we stand idly by and take emotional abuse from our family, friends or romantic partners but I am suggesting that we remove the burdens of our expectations for another person’s behavior. For example, if I know that my friend is not very good at initiating communication with me I shouldn’t be offended when I go months without hearing from her. She has demonstrated that this is not how she is wired. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about me or our friendship it simply means that if I desire more frequent communication then I will need to reach out to her. If this is an untenable arrangement then it may be time to sever the relationship. If my romantic partner prefers to do everything as a couple and this is not something that is comfortable to me I can either constantly argue with this person and deal with them feeling unloved when I want to be alone or I can find a new partner who doesn’t require constant connection to reaffirm the relationship.

If you find yourself constantly frustrated and/or disappointed in someone because you are expecting them to parent, communicate, love or strive in a direction that they are not currently going perhaps it is because you are seeing them as you wish they were instead of seeing them for who they are. It can be difficult to start treating them with compassion instead of disdain but it is not impossible if we change the way we think about their actions. I am no longer interacting with people as I hope, wish or pray they would be, instead I am interacting with them based on their actual behavior because that is who they really are. Now they are free to be themselves without my added pressure and I am free from constant disappointment and judgement.