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Fraud! Scandal! Shame!

By now you probably know about the discovery of a painting which is alleged to be the only portrait of William Shakespeare (Mel Gibson’s Hamlet, Romeo+Juliet, Shakespeare in Love) to have been finished while the Bard was alive. Scientific tests have been run, X-rays have proven this, tree-ring dating that. Tweedy old English fellows have patted themselves on the back so much there’s a cloud of dust over Stratford.

Believe me folks, this isn’t William Shakespeare. I don’t know who it is, but it’s not him. Me, I believe it to be a cleverly rendered portrait of System of a Down Guy.

See what I mean? This kind of thing happens all the time. Another example, this famous image, once the property of the Duke of Chandros.

Posh. it’s Paul Giamatti. Plain as Hell. Anyone can see that. No friends, I shall cling to the ONLY ACCURATE PORTRAIT of the English Language’s greatest artist:

I don’t know if that portrait is Shakespeare or not, but I DO know that there is a perfectly preserved impression of The Bard’s butt cheeks which were found on the outside of Christopher Marlowe’s study window.

That actually serves to substantiate the claim that it IS a portrait of Shakespeare. It is an established, but not widely publicized fact, that the Bard wore an afro while penning the first draft of his supressed masterpiece “Troilus and Cressida and Pootie Tang”.

Don’t you understand, they don’t call him the IMMORTAL Bard for nothing. He changes his name often, sometimes using multiple personalities during the same decade at the same time. He is even found depicted on cave walls. But do not fret, all will be revealed with everything else (as well as were chocolate milk comes from) in the final mega-episode of Battlestar Galactica.

You just reminded me of the Bacon Salt Bacon Lovers collection I got for my birthday (http://www.baconsalt.com, if such ganzo, third-party adverts are permitted). The six varieties of Bacon Salt were value enough, but the bacon-flavored lip balm and the Baconnaise sandwich spread make it invaluable.

This and your comment also lead me to believe that almost anything can be improved by adding “bacon” to the title. For example, Baconoogle (Google), The United Baconations (with apologies to our kosher and halal friends), Baconsfield, California, and the National Baconcasting Company (NBC)

Speaking of N Bacon C, Christian Glover’s series “My Own Worst Enemy” would have lasted unto ER proportions if it had only been called “My Own Worst Baconenemy.”

The “system of a down guy” is Serj Tankian. and while he may not be shakespear, this is a real photo, and he is one of the greatest poets/songwriters of the English, Spanish and Armenian languages… in my opinion. Not his. trust me, he’s pretty down-to-earth.