MYSTERY TRAIN: Some Velvet Blog has posted multiple vesions of the classic, originally by Little Junior's Blue Flames. You can jukebox 'em via the Hype Machine, too.

WHAT IT IS! Amid the flurry of new releases yesterday, I should have mentioned that Rhino a four disc set of rare and classic funk tracks that have long served as the source material behind tracks by Kanye, Biggie, Snoop Dogg, Tupac, and the Beastie Boys, among others. Liner notes by writer and Soul Sides blogger Oliver Wang, with track-by-track commentaries and testimonials from funk and rap notables. Follow the link to Pitchfork for video of Aretha Franklin o­n The Flip Wilson Show.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S ex-boyfriend and wannabe baby daddy filed suit Monday against the spokesmodel, demanding that she return to California with newborn daughter Dannielynn Hope for a paternity test. Meanwhile, Smith's faux wedding to long-time attorney Howard K. Stern may have a million-dollar payday, with GettyPictures or People rumored to have paid that much for pics of the ceremony.

SITE NEWS: Lance moved the site to a major hosting service over the weekend. We hope this will help speed things up a bit. Lance is continuing to tinker a bit and has further improvements planned. Thanks, Lance!

THE HOLD STEADY get a lengthy rave in the New York Times (try Google News to bypass registration) o­n the eve of the release of Boys and Girls in America -- a title we learn is borrowed from Jack Kerouac. The indie bar band's latest seems to be getting some backlash from hipsters who don't like its Thin Lizzy and Springsteen influences. You may still be able to stream the whole album from Vagrant Records, though it was down for a bit after kids figured out how to download all of the MP3s separately... bad kids! Otherwise, you can stream three new tracks from MySpace.

GERRY RAFFERTY was apparently so drunk after a ten-hour bender o­n an transatlantic flight that he had to be taken off in a wheelchair and whisked to a detox clinic run by the Church of Scotland. Does this mean he hasn't given up the o­ne-night stands, either?

SUFJAN STEVENS: "Majesty, Snowbird," a new track reflecting his new seeming obsession with birds, is popping up o­n various music blogs. YANP will also point you toward the video.

A GENESIS REUNION WARNING is issued when a Genesis reunion has actually been sighted or is indicated by radar. Those in the affected areas should go to a pre-designated shelter area such as a safe room, basement, storm cellar, or the lowest building level, away from corners, windows, doors, and outside walls. Put as many walls as possible between you and the outside. Do not open windows. I will admit, however, to liking "Turn It On," which is the obvious choice for this story.

EVAN DANDO and THE DEARS played the World Cafe Live in Philadelphia last week, so you can stream them from NPR now.

WHO NEEDS LUTE MUSIC? London's Observer wonders why Sting, The Who and Paul McCartney think that their fan bases, initially attracted by high-grade pop and rock, will be impressed by lutes, violins and great swathes of Latin noodling: "Never do musicians get more pompous than when they decide there has been a dreadful mistake -- they are not farting, nose-picking rock stars after all, but proper artists, composers, if you will."

THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP: I saw Michel Gondry's latest film, which may never achieve wide release, as it lacks both the stars and emotional depth of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And a fair amount is subtitled, though neccessary for the plot. That's not to say it wasn't good; it was. Indeed, it was in some ways more visually inventive than Eternal Sunshine. Also darker,though with a number of funny moments, such as the o­ne pictured, in which the band is playing the Velvet Underground's "After Hours."

WEEKEND BOX OFFICE: Ashton Kutcher grabs the top two slots with Open Season and The Guardian. The animated flick made 23 million o­n an 85 million budget, but that may be okay, given that it won't have much 3-D competition in October. Jackass: Number Two came in third, with another 14 million of probable pure profit. School For Scoundrels did an anemic 9.1 million opening, but o­n mere a 20 million budget. Jet Li's Fearless plunged 55 percent to 4.7 million after his fans turned out for the opening. Gridiron Gand skidded to sixth, though it should end up in the black. The Illusionist actually moved up to seventh, despite losing over 100 screens. Flyboys and The Black Dahlia, otoh, dropped far enough that both may end up in the red. Little Miss Sunshine again clung to the top ten.

AMANDA PEET of Studio 60got hitched to screenwriter David Benioff at the actress's alma mater, Friends Seminary, a Quaker school founded in 1786. Peet is four or five months pregnant already; her castmates call her "fatty."

SCARLETT JOHANSSON has been named Esquire magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive, which was obvious to anyone that followed the teasers run o­n the mag's website. Clearly, there should be some sort of official ceremony in which last year's sexiest, Jessica Biel, kisses Scarlett good luck for her reign. My favorite part of the story is where she asks, "What about my brain?", which is right before she talks about spelling "harass" wrong o­n a sign directed at the paparazzi.

TOM-KAT UPDATE: Cruise will threaten to sue the press over a lot of things, but he cannot sue them for making fun of his height, particularly in relation to Holmes. So that's going to happen.

LINDSAY LOHAN has welched o­n the reward or thank-you note promised by her rep to the driver who found Li-Lo's missing Hermes bag, which was stuffed with a million dollars in jewelry and her asthma medicine, lost at Heathrow Airport earlier this month. Classy!

BORAT: Sacha Baron Cohen, milking the publicity for all it's worth, was turned away from the White House in a stunt was timed to coincide with an official visit by Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who is said to be displeased with Cohen's fictional TV reporter from Kazakhstan. The Washington Post has video of Borat's press conference held after the stunt. It appears he's now dragging Uzbekistan into the fight.

...with SOUL ASYLUM, completing my Twin Cities trilogy. Let's start with a medley from 1986 Minneapolis Music Awards, which begins with the title track of Made To Be Broken, but -- as any Soul Asylum fan would guess -- devolves into some scary covers. Let's just say they play some funky music. And if you check out the related videos o­n the same page, you'll find gems like the live versions of "Sometime To Return,""Marionette" and maybe even "Cartoon" from the band's underrated major-label debut, Hang Time.

THE BYRDS get a nice feature at CNN with a new Roger McGuinn interview, in which he discusses how he and David Crosby discovered Michael Clarke by noticing that he "looked like Brian Jones and Mick Jagger combined... We recognized the value of having a good-looking guy in the band." Photo gallery at the link, too.

ISOBEL CAMPBELL talks to London's Independent about Belle & Sebastian and collaborating with Giant Sand's Howe Gelb o­n a possible sequel of sorts to her acclaimed Ballad Of The Broken Seas: "Half of me wants to do that and half of me wants to make a modern-day Rumours," she laughs. "Maybe I'm just having fun with myself thinking that, but I really like that record." There's still a selection of Campbell tracks to stream via the Hype Machine.

THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS are already working o­n a new album, with a hoped-for Summer 2007 release, guitarist Todd Fancey tells Pitchfork. Dan Bejar and Neko Case will join the band in the studio, and Bejar will continue to contribute songs to appear o­n the new record.

LORRAINE ELLISON: Tom Moon covers "another rediscovered talent from the golden age of soul music -- someone who was little more than a footnote during the outbreak of amazingness that distinguishes that fertile era." You can stream three from her posthumous box set at NPR.

NELSON SINGS NILSSON: ex-Harvey Danger frontman Sean Nelson loved Nilsson Sings (Randy) Newman, and ultimately decided to pay a similar homage to Harry Nilsson. You can stream four lesser-known tunes from the album's MySpace page, which has Nilsson and Monkee Micky Dolenz as friends, among others.

AN AQUARIUM DRUNKARD has a nifty streamable podcast that covers the range from Tommy James & The Shondells to The Velvet Underground to Man Man to Talking Heads to Stevie Wonder to Allen Toussaint... and more.

SUFJAN STEVENS tells the Philadelphia Inquirer that releasing The Avalanche -- an album of outtakes from the Illinois album, relieved an anxiety he does not feel over trying to complete his "50 State Project:" "It doesn't eat at me in the same way because it's so sensational and so ridiculous and so outrageous that it's not realistic. Unfinished songs are concrete. They're like existential unfinished sores. A concept like the 50-state thing is just all speculation, all advertisement... . I know I need to embark o­n it. But I also know I need to slow down because I can't do everything at o­nce."

NOW SHOWING: This week's wide releases include the animated Open Season (which, despite a Westerberg soundtrack, scores o­nly 42 percent o­n the Tomatometer and an awful 17 percent with the "cream of the crop" critics, though there were o­nly 24 reviews total at presstime). The Kevin Costner-Ashton Kutcher Top Gun meets The Perfect Storm flick The Guardian scores 41 percent, and the Jon Heder-Billy-Bob Thornton comedy School for Scoundrels scores 21 percent. Michel Gondry's The Science of Sleep (70 percent) expands to about 220 screens, so I may go see that.

BRITNEY SPEARS is dumping her PR flack, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, following the pop tart's Matt Lauer meltdown and failed efforts to spin stories about marital troubles, according to Radar.Or not, according to E! News.

JESSICA SIMPSON was reportedly uber-crabby at the after-party for her sister Ashlee's London debut in Chicago, which might explain why she looked like a zombie.

ROSIE O'DONNELL has been named the "worst looking" celeb in High-Definition TV, according to Phillip Swann of TVPredictions.com, a website that covers the HDTV industry. Hard to believe it was even a contest, but there's a whole list of bad-looking celebs at the link.

JOHN HUGHES, director of The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and other teen movies was part of the vast right-wing conspiracy, according to Michael Weiss at Slate, who also has it out for Harold Ramis.

PAUL SCHRADER: The acclaimed writer-director has compiled his list of the best movies of the last 100 years for Film Comment. Schrader's introduction is o­nline, while Whitney Matheson posts his Top Ten.

LITTLE SUPERSTAR: I think all websites are obligated to post this video. I present it without comment, and take no responsibility for those who view it.

IRAQ in the MEDIA: Journalist Bob Woodward, promoting an upcoming book, claims the Bush administration is concealing the level of violence against US troops: "It's getting to the point now where there are eight, 900 attacks a week." Actually, that's the number you can see in the Iraq Index. The number comes from a report that the administration regularly submits to Congress. No Deep Throat necessary for that o­ne.

AN AUSSIE KANGAROO BOXES A CHINESE CLOWN in the so-called Animal Olympics in Shanghai. Animal rights campaigners are unhappy. Picture gallery at the link, including an elephant passing the Animal Olympic torch to a chimpanzee.

KUDZU-EATING GOATS UPDATE: Two of the kudzu-eating goats hired by Chatanooga, TN have died, o­ne of natural causes. Nevertheless, the city is now bringing in two guard donkeys to fend off any possibe predators. Officials said the goats are proving effective at getting rid of the kudzu and will likely be brought back next year.

ANIMAL PENISES are a delicacy in China. The BBC sent Andrew Harding to Beijing to check out a restaurant that specializes in these -- and even scarier dishes. Don't click near a meal-time, folks. It's way worse than Fear Factor.

THE DECEMBERISTS: You can stream The Crane Wife album in advance from MTVu.com. But first, enjoy the band's encore cover of ELO's "Mr. Blue Sky" in San Francisco, just about a year ago. Sadly, the lovely and talented Petra Haden will not be o­n the upcoming tour.

KATE HUDSON and CHRIS ROBINSON BREAK-UPDATE: Hudson is "filing for divorce imminently," according to US Weekly. "As soon as she files, it relieves a lot of the pressure of going out with Owen (Wilson)," says a friend of the actress.

JESSICA SIMPSON: During an appearance o­n the Howard Stern show, Jacka**: Number Two star Bam Margera claimed he bedded the pneumatic blonde in April 2005, before she split from Nick Lachey. Creepy dad-manager Joe was not pleased: "As a father, I want to go beat the crap out of people who say things like this." But he probably cannot do that, so he should go see Bam's new movie, in which I hear he's attacked by a snake -- which would be very close.

SCREECH SEX TAPE!? Dustin Diamond, a/k/a "Screech" from Saved By The Bell, apparently engages in a very kinky threesome with two women o­n a video in the hands of David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals. NYDN gossip Lloyd Grove sums it up: "The sex vid's working title is Saved by the Smell. Ewwwww."

KATIE COURIC is No. 2 in the network news ratings, according to estimates released Monday by Nielsen Media Research. Indeed, she was o­nly o­ne-tenth of a point ahead of third-place World News with Charles Gibson.

WINONA RYDER, who's been hanging around with her new best friend Kate Moss lately, wandered into the SoHo shop Lounge o­n Sunday and did not know where she was. But she did not steal anything, which is a plus.