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Thursday, August 29, 2013

Better get to livin'

I love music; it's been a major part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. One of my favorite pictures from when I was young is of me and my cousin dancing to "The Monster Mash." Growing up I played the clarinet and sang in choirs. I have long loved to dance and have been ballroom dancing for many years. And there is no way I could get through my workouts without the right kind of music. Some songs I like just for the way they sound, but the ones that mean the most to me are those whose lyrics reach me. (Okay, I still have to like the way they sound, so the most powerful songs are those that best combine lyrics and melody.) Beyond that, my taste is somewhat eclectic. Today's reflection is brought to you by Dolly Parton.

Better get to livin'. Okay, I get that. It's too easy to put things off when you're dealing with IF; to say "that might be a day of fertility" or "that would be around day 1, so it would be too painful" or "I might need surgery then" or even "I might be pregnant then." Then the end result is that everything is hold, and you feel like you're going nowhere. But what does "get to livin' " mean when you're limited in what you can to towards the goal(s) you have? Right now my biggest goal is to do what I can to get healthier and get pregnant. We're currently waiting for our first visit to a NaPro doctor, so it doesn't seem like I can do much there. Yes, we can use our potentially fertile days, but after trying for this long, we have little hope or expectation that we would succeed during a non-medicated cycle. Trying to eat healthier and get more exercise doesn't feel like doing much.I've finally started to figure out what it means to "get to livin.' " It means saying yes, even when I'm scared of what is involved. It means venturing out more, being around people, being more social. It means not spending all my time trying to protect myself from the inevitable hurts. It means doing more than just waiting; it means facing my fears. It means acknowledging that I do not know what the future will hold, so I can't just wait to do anything. Buying a new sofa and re-doing the living room is living. Before I had hoped that our 14 year old sofa would last through the time when the kids would destroy it. Now I'm enjoying figuring out how to make the room more inviting, for us and for when we entertain. It's a long, slow process, but I'm starting to live again.

1 comment:

Good for you! I think this is one of the hardest things when you are trying to make something happen. I have made a conscious decision that I am not waiting or saving myself for marriage. That has nothing to do with s.ex and everything to do with the fact that my worth and my life is in the here and now and not someday if I get married and have kids. I certainly hope those things come along, and I will pray for that and continue to do what I can to make that happen, but I won't wait for living my life to the fullest for when that happens.

About Me

Welcome to my prison of infertility. I am Catholic and not Hugenot, and my imprisonment is for neither religious nor political reasons. In truth, I do not know why I am held here, only that I am.
I am in my mid-30s and live in southwestern PA with my husband and 3 cats. This is my attempt to cope with what seems to be the loss of yet another dream.