Monthly Archives: August 2012

Due to the…um… unfortunate accident involving Gregory and Lulu, relations between the vampire community and the shapeshifters has grown rather tense? Strained?

What rubbish! The truth is those furballs want recompense for the “accident” even though Lulu participated of her own free will. I mean, she actually recorded her permission. But does that matter?

Apparently not.

Lulu says she changed her mind, that she did not mean to record her participation, that she is an innocent victim, a victim of circumstances, a young pup caught up trying to impress the older man…

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks”

So now those upstarts want payment in terms of our website. Or name domain. You are el?

Ye gods! My head hurts merely thinking about the situation.

So instead of being here, in this piece of non-existent space, The Vampire Handbook will move to a new, non-existent place that is not a real cloud in the actual sky. Lucky for us, the fairies owe us a favor or three. They created this new place, vampire.wegrok.net, where you will find The Vampire Handbook starting on Friday, August 24.

Though it might be there now. According to Jennifer, all the older entries have been moved over. At exactly midnight tonight, the werewolves take over. I have no idea what will happen here, other than they agreed to leave up the “We’re leaving” message for a minimum of 60 days. After that, who knows what the furballs will do.

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Greetings! Let us continue with the various stories about how vampire came to be.

The third story comes the story of Lucifer. After Lucifer tricked Eve, God grew angry with Lucifer. A war among the angelic hordes broke out, and though Lucifer was a mighty archangel, he lost. God struck down Lucifer and his followers, creating a place of desolation for them to spend eternity.

Lucifer vowed revenge, so he took up soil and created his own version of man. It looked, walked, and talked exactly like Adam, but Lucifer could not bring life to his creation, because only God could create life.

So Lucifer went around God and gave his creation the ability to steal life from Adam, Eve, and the other humans. Lucifer’s creation drank blood, because blood is the life.

When God saw this abomination, he raised his hand to strike it down, but Gabriel intervened.

“Father,” Gabriel pleaded, “this creature knows not good nor evil. It only does what it needs to do in order to survive.”

God saw the truth in Gabriel’s words, so instead of striking down Lucifer’s creation, God enhanced the being. Now, it could create its own family from humans who wished to join it. The creation also received a name, though that name is lost in time. And God told the creation that he could come to Heaven after his death.

Lucifer raged at God’s mercy, and tried to kill his own creation. But God prevented Lucifer from taking his revenge, giving Lucifer’s creation enough power to survive on his own for all eternity.

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Right, I have received several emails asking me about my name. Many hint around the question; many think that they are hinting though I must tell you that subtly it becoming a lost art; still others ask me outright – “How can your name be ‘Christy’? Isn’t that a bit modern for you?”

Ye, gods! You almost sound like Juliet during the balcony scene:

What’s <Christy>? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;

But more to the point, asking a vampire about her name under most circumstances equals asking to have either your tongue or head removed.

Luckily for you, this is not most circumstances.

Per the request of our Vampire Kings, I will instruct you about vampires and their names.

When a human becomes a vampire, they have the option to either retain their birth name, or get a new name immediately. In my experience, about half choose the keep their old name and about half want a new one to symbolize their new life.

After a hundred years or so, every vampire feels the need to remove themselves from their past. Usually, this need arises from the fact that we are all basically human and we make stupid mistakes during the beginning of our life as a vampire. I mean, no one wants to be known as Lola, the girl who accidentally ate the local duke and caused a riot against vampires.

Unlike humans, we change our names due to either circumstances, major alterations in our life affairs, or sheer boredom. Some vampires I know have a schedule which plots out all of their name changes for the next thousand years. A few keep the same name through every occasion, harping ad naseum about their devotion and fealty as demonstrated in their consistency with names. Most of us, though, cherish our names and change them only upon some external impetus.

As for my current name, I assure you that “Christy” was not the name under which I entered this world. But during World War 2, I wished to make a statement about my beliefs. So, Christy I became and Christy I will be until I choose otherwise.

I was talking to my friends, and we were wondering if vampires ever got married.

Teen Wonders

Dear Teen Wonders,

Simple answer: Why yes, yes we do.

Complex answer: Because vampires live a much longer life than humans, we have a varying definition of marriage. Sometimes, we create contracts that define how long a marriage will last, how all assets will be combined in the beginning, how all assets will be divided at the end, and what activities are allowed during the marriage. The standard terms are 10 years, 25 years, 50 years, 75 years, and 100 years. Anything over 100 years gets a different type of contract.

When a vampire marries a human, the general assumption is that the vampire will abide by the current human definition of marriage, with the exception of the “til death do you part”, since the vampire will not die. If the vampire decides to change his or her mate into a vampire, there are even more rules and regulations that must be followed to ensure that the new vampire does not end up a slave.

Generally speaking, vampires do not marry each other for the rest of their lives. There is a special ceremony for that, but you need to be prepared to stick with one and only one person. Because we never, ever divorce.

My name is Sarah, secretary to the Vampire Kings and chief editor of the real world Vampire Handbook. While the other members of our publishing team work to keep people informed on currently popular topics, I will translate and transcribe the original vampire handbook.

This first section describes how one goes from being merely human to a vampire. The process entails several stages; the first one is becoming a candidate. In the past, you needed to find a sponsor before continuing further. But due to the recent changes in vampiric social status, you may contact me if you think that you qualify.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Note: If you are an approved candidate, use the key to decode the final requirement. (ebg13)

Requirements for Human Candidates:

You must be free from normal societal responsibilities. If you have a husband, wife, child or children, father, mother, or sibling who depend upon you for food and shelter, then you need to make arrangement for their care while you transition from a human to a vampire.

You must be free from government obligations. We will not accept your petition if you are attempting to become a vampire in order to forego paying taxes or to shirk your civic duty. We expect all candidates to pay a tithe to their master and to fulfill all oaths and pledges.

You need a necessary skill or ability to offer to your sponsor. The skill may be either cerebral or corporal; it matters not so long as you not only possess a skill but are willing to share it.

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Greetings! I hope that you accepted our apologies for the absence; I truly did know better, especially since we only had heavy whipping cream and not freshly obtained sheep’s milk. But as they say, it’s water under the bridge.

I have received several emails asking me the origin of vampires. I will be quite frank, even we do not know with a great level of certainty how we came to be. In truth, this is one of the few questions that garner a great deal of speculation (and possibly less that peaceful discussions) and few concrete answers.

I asked the Vampire Kings if I could present you, the readers of the Handbook, with the current belief systems. They readily agreed, so for the next few weeks I will tell you the legends among us as to where we came from.

The first two stories come from Christian mythology and the Old Testament.

The first story begins in Genesis. After Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they had several children, the first two being Cain and Abel. Cain grew jealous of his younger brother, and murdered him. As punishment, God made Cain immortal, never to grow old, never to die, never to go to Heaven, never to see his brother to ask for forgiveness.

Cain lived as such for centuries, before asking God for mercy. God granted Cain mercy, but with a price. God told Cain that he could never again see the sun, never again break bread with his neighbors, never again be a part of human society. Cain agreed to the terms, and God removed the vestiges of his humanity, creating the first vampire.

But God took pity on Cain, and granted him the ability to create others like him, so that he would not be lonely during his everlasting unlife.

The second story again involves Cain and Abel, only after Cain murdered Abel, Abel’s spirit spoke to God, asking for more life.

“I cannot give you more life,” God replied, sighing heavily, “but I can give you the ability to extend your own life.”

God raised up Abel’s body, and allowed him to take life from others through drinking their blood. God also gave Abel the ability to cloud the people’s thoughts, so that no one recognized him or remembered him.

Abel lived as an outsider in society for many centuries, before he beseeched God once again for mercy.

“Please, Lord, I am lonely. For everyone I meet, everyone I love, they die. And the more I love, the more it hurts when they die.”

God once more took pity on Abel, and so granted him the ability to change others to be like himself.

Next week, I will present you with one more Christian origin story, before continuing on to other religious myths.

Ye, gods! I find it difficult to concentrate on creating this handbook when every time I turn around I feel pounded by all the political crap that you humans generate every time you elect a new president. Or a new senator. Or new toy. Or new dish soap.

I understand the lure of the Internet to spread your ideas, opinions, thoughts, and beliefs . Am I not contributing to a handbook about vampires? But this ability to inundate the world needs to be tempered with the knowledge to restrain yourself as well.

Did Shakespeare not say, “Methinks the lady protests too much”?

Well, that is how I view the people who carry on, interjecting themselves into every conversation regardless of the relevance of their input. If you truly believe something, state it once in your own blog, and then Move. On.

I learned that we vampires have something in common with most geeks? I think that is what you call people who are knowledgeable about the Internet and its social protocols. We both call people with these issues the same epithet – trolls.

Of course, I personally met a few real troll in my time. Nasty creatures, honestly, and so smelly that I burned my clothes afterwards. Like today’s trolls, those trolls followed people around, complaining about the weather, the daytime, the nighttime, anything that would annoy people into throwing food, clothing, even coins at the trolls. If the offering passed the test, the trolls left, bound to another area to bother other people.