John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

The actions of recovery are different from just distracting yourself by burying yourself in work. (Published 4/22/2014)

Q:

I am 25 years old. In March, 2010, my 3 year old daughter died. Since this happened, it's like I'm forcing myself through everyday. I have become increasingly angry, and then sad—just a roller coaster of emotions. I can't look at her pictures too much because it feels like someone is stealing the air from my chest. The holidays just passed and it was awful. I work all the time just so I don't think about it, I guess, I still don't want it to be real. When I finally do break down and cry it seems to happen at bad times, like when I am at work. I just want to know how to begin to deal with this. My inability to deal with my emotions seems to be causing tension with the rest of my family, I know they understand what is going on but I know it is getting exhausting for them. What should I do?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your note and concerns and question.

As you have learned over the past nearly two years, time does NOT heal emotional wounds; and “keeping busy” doesn’t make the pain go away.

The other thing you might have begun to realize is that “unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative,” as you can tell when the grief just explodes out of you at inopportune times.

And sadly, how family and friends, perhaps frustrated by seeing you so stuck, and not knowing what to do to help you, start to have unpleasant reactions – which probably makes you feel even worse than you already do.

So with that lineup of issues it might seem that this is insurmountable, but the good news is that it’s not. But, in order for you to move beyond the pain and devastation caused by your daughter’s death, and the end of the hopes, dreams, and expectations for her future and yours with her, you are going to have to take some actions that will lead you to recovery.

We suggest that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. The subtitle of the book is: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith.

The actions of recovery outlined in the book are much different from just trying to distract yourself from your feelings by “keeping busy” and burying yourself in work or other activities.

As you read the book and take the actions it suggests, you will find many helpful changes occurring. The anger and roller coaster of emotions that have gotten worse over time, will subside. You will probably notice an improvement in your family and other relationships also.

Sadness will exist from time to time, because is is normal and natural to miss someone you love who is no longer here. [We do want to mention that the Holiday season is often difficult for people even when the death was a very long time ago. This is because the season tends to focus on family and brings up all of our memories of who is no longer here.]