Jacob Clifton

It's been a long time since I worked 9 to 5 and I am still making my peace with weekends and a three-or-four day weekend is like, "What will we do? Will we still be the same people, on the other side of that cavern of nothingness? Do I remember how to read books?" It stresses me out. Anyway Happy Labor Day Weekend, starting right now. Big plans? Barbecues? Sharing a dish of ice cream with your sweetie? Your beau gettin' out the seersucker one last time? Boater hats and shortpants all the way, over here. Actually I am going to a wedding so it's going to be a pretty special weekend, between remembering the American labor force and also the vows of love.

FRIDAY

At 7/6c. if you feel like it there's a two-hour George Strait special on CMT. Has he done something noteworthy? I hope it's positive, if so. Otherwise I can't imagine watching a two-hour George Strait anything. My friend Haylee has been pretty insistent that he is her biological father; maybe it has something to do with that. Getting to the bottom of that, maybe. At 8/7c. the Masters of Illusion will "Walk through Steel" on the CW. I think it's kind of jank that they have a stage magic TV show and also a Penn and Teller shitting on everything show, on the same network. You know what I mean? Like you never buy the same brand pregnancy test as the condom, but also like, both of those things are equally awful. They don't cancel each other out. They are two different ways of being too dorky to survive, you just picked one at random.

Advertisement

At 9/8c. Dorothea Lang is on American Masters ("Grab a Hunk of Lightning!" How did you know that is my dream date, in all seriousness. A hunk made out of lightning) and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders experience "A Week of Firsts," and I...guess we all kinda know what that means. (I am faking like I know what it means because I wanted to look cool, at least once, before the end of the summer. I'm sorry I faked and then lied.)

At 10/9c. Chris Lilley, the Four Weddings, and ID's Deadly Women are all at it again, the last this time as "Self-Made Widows." I bet that means they were able to become Captains of Industry even after they were bereaved, probably. I bet that's all it is with those women.

She drew herself up to her full height, all five feet and two inches of her. "I may be a widow, ever since my husband was electrocuted kissing a hunk, but damn it I am a self-made widow. Hand me some of those charts and graphs and ledgers and files and documents. For business purposes."

SATURDAY

At 6:30/5:30c. one thing I will not be caring about will be college football on Fox. Especially not "Fresno State" at USC. Now you're just saying words. (In fact, I will be at a bar by this time with my best friend Brad, holding down tables at a raucous restaurant until the rehearsal dinner is over, so actually I might end up watching this so-called football game.)

Then at 7/6c., another Parents Just Don't Understand on the Hub, this time concerning "The Tiger Mom & Busy Bee Daughter," so the verdict is kind of already in. On Ovation a new show called Raiders of the Lost ART(!) will go looking for a "Tainted Trove." Raiders of the Lost Art my Aunt Fanny, that's what I say to that.

Ovation will follow that up with its longer-running, exactly identical art-finding show called The Artful Detective at 8/7c., and there's other stuff during that hour, but not really. Are you super into Unforgettable for example? Then you should know it's at a weird time now, and don't forget to tape it. Or else how dumb are you gonna feel. "I forgot to tape Unforgettable! Classic Bonnie!" (Or whatever.)

At 9/8c. ID's Deadly Affairs talks about somebody getting "Burned By Desire," by your electricity boyfriend probably, and there's Hell On Wheels ("Life's A Mystery," which is rich coming from those dudes. Everything is a mystery! You live in the bullshit olden times! If you saw what my phone could do you would jump in a volcano just in case!) and Outlander and Reckless with Cam Gigandet, playing a sexy sex lawyer in Sexytown, from what I can tell in the ads. Not a role he was born for, quite frankly, but that's acting for you. I assume he doesn't play by the rules because he is so reckless. "You can't do that in Sexytown!" they natter and finger-shave, and Cam Gigandet is just like, "I am a recklesssex lawyer. I make the rules."

But in terms of actual shows I might actually watch, I am still fascinated by the double-dips of Hillbilly Blood ("Fourth of July," meh, "KNIFE GRIND" now you are talking!) and there's always America's hottest investigation into the insides of children and the ghosts that are often found there, The Ghost Inside My Child, which is going a little off-book this week with an episode called "Wild West & Tribal Quest." Problematic. That is both teepee and wigwam.

Or maybe they are telling two stories that you don't know are connected until the end and then it's like, "Little did we know that the ghost inside Cassie was the Chickamauga Chief Dragging Canoe, and the ghost inside her little playmate Petey was the General that slaughtered his entire tribe! Crazy, they were just on the other side of the campground this whole time. Anyway, I think they might have little crushes on each other! Or else it is the ghosts inside them, just trying to find peace after all this time."

Me, I will not be watching anything (except myself, maintaining self-control and practicing moderation in front of my close friends' entire families). Doctor Who, later in the weekend. Somewhere in the unending, blank staring canvas full of promise that is the weekend.

At 10/9c., the H2 channel would like to fill you in on 10 Things You Don't Know about Civil Rights. I hope that's close to all of the things I don't know. Frankly I would have thought ten is high, but if you say so, "H2 Channel." Oh, and Intruders, which I just love, on BBC America. Get into that, it's great. (I mean, of the one episode I've seen. I love every episode so far.) On the outrageous Science Channel's Outrageous Acts of Science: Most Outrageous Acts of Science, this week it's all about "Masters of the Universe." I wonder what that means. I bet it's outrageous.

Also, The Haunting of Chris McDonald (you do know who he is), which is a show that makes less and less sense to me. It's not of huge import to me that I be seen as utterly credible. I am a reckless sex lawyer of the heart. But if I was a person that, say, was in Hollywood and could lend my image or brand or personal deal to a good cause, or a, like a vitamin water even, I would feel so dumb if the people were like, "Actually? Your cred is in the toilet because you went on TV and made absolutely sure we all know you believe in ghosts, which are not real." Lots of people believe in ghosts! "Yeah, lots of people fooled around at summer camp, too, but not on TV. See how this works?" I would just hate to have that feeling of, I used to be famous, but now I am just a person who got haunted on the Lifetime Movie Network.

SUNDAY

At 9/8c. in the morning, there's a one-hour premiere for Ultimate Spider-Man, so that's cool. Lots of big-name cartoons popping up on Sundays, have you noticed that? I guess it's because the Sabbath is just whenever you want it to be these days, these forsaken heathen spider-days. Just text it to me on my iPhone, Church! I'm watching a cartoon about a man who is also ultimately a spider.

I get it though. I would probably have gone to church a lot more if they had figured out a way to combine it with my first love, Megatron. So I guess just cartoons and then at noon, Real Housewives of Melbourne. It's episode six, I'm afraid to look and see how many are left. I really want to get into it, but the way they talk.

At 8/7c. it's a fake Sunday because tomorrow is also Sunday, don't forget, so all there is is, Big Brother, A PBS Special about the Secrets of Her Majesty's Secret Service (yes please) and Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri driving a garbage truck all around their garbage lives, picking up strays and hitchhikers, making their lives worse just by being there, feeding them garbage food for garbage people, building a garbage army. Wipeout is entitled this week "My So Bald Life," which is a fair effort I guess, given the show is even dumber than Ninja Warrior, but you know with me it's all about Steve Austin's Broken Skull Challenge on CMT. A vastly more cerebral, and dare I say sensual, program.

At 9/8c., ABC is throwing a "Show of Strength Telethon" for two hours, so I guess that's a happening. It seems like there used to be a lot more telethons, doesn't it? I guess now the power is in our hands, we are not hostages to their good intentions anymore. I like young Jerry Lewis. Old Jerry Lewis has a million problems and I don't like him. (Maybe he's dead, I think that would count as a problem. "My problem is: No more problems.") But young Jerry Lewis, adorable. After Gomer Pyle and Dobie Gillis, he was my favorite as a child. ...Yep, not lookin' at that lineup for too long. Moving on.

Breathless on PBS, the two-hour Falling Skies finale on TNT, and yet another episode of Unforgettable because now they are just straight trolling you. Otherwise it's Ray Donovan, which I've enjoyed this season actually, and then over here in that same garbage area from before, Long Island Medium and 90 minutes of KardashianTedium.

At 10/9c. there is a special on FYI called Make My Food Famous that I hope involves a lot of really intense body-shaming the food into a disorder and then breaking down its ego until it will just say whatever questionable bullshit you tell it to say, and then eventually marry Bill Rancic. Make My Food a e! Presenter would actually be a good show! You would learn so many tips. "That hamburger meatloaf is not getting people to the purse cam fast enough. That'll cost in eliminations." "That stroganoff is so oblivious it's acting like it didn't even notice how much weight she's gained since her last film. It's like, why are you even here on the Red Carpet? Go be dinner if you aren't going to take this seriously, Beef Stroganoff. God."

On Bravo it's Game of Crowns season and hopefully series finale, a "Snaketacular" Naked & Afraid (nerrrrp), and the dramz: a Manhattan cliffhanger, Masters of Sex continuing to hand the first great season's ass to it, yet another Reckless, and The Strain. Wait, another Reckless? Is that even possible? Does Cam Gigandet have more to add? "And one more thing! I apologize for that time I was so Reckless I killed Marissa Cooper!" Dude they should totally get Mischa Barton off whatever whitecap buoy I imagine her bobbing on, far out past the breakers, watchin' the world die, and put her on Reckless. I would watch the shit out of that. (For the purposes of this paragraph at least.)

MONDAY, just quickly

8/7c.Bachelor in Paradise, Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, Masterchef (Top 6), and Bear Grylls all have new episodes. CBS has a Fall Preview that I bet will be slightly more interesting than watching the same ads you have already seen one million times because CBS loves commercials more than anyone has ever loved anyone. If you try to watch Big Brother online, it's like, twice as long as it would be if you watched it on TV. Think about that.

At 9/8c.Ninja Warrior takes it to Nationals, ANTM wonders if you want to be on top, Houdini is finally starting on History, there's a Hotel Hell and in related news the Kardashian finale, LMN's got a 90-minute special on called "Lost for Life," let me know how that goes, and the second part of the RHOC Reunion on Bravo. Really what is happening though is that "unauthorized" thing on Saved by the Bell, so if you really insist on infantilizing yourself like it's darling to still enjoy things were shitty in the first place, have at it. Me, I don't like to do things for effect,I find inauthenticity embarrassing, but that's just me.

At 10/9c. your choices are Teen Wolf or Mistresses. Under the Dome is on too, but that is not one of your choices. Plus if you're that kind, you're already watching the Saved by the Bell thing anyway. Enjoy your evening, and I'll see you Tuesday morning probably a fairly changed man. Act normal 'til then. I think this weekend is going to be a great one for you, too. One to remember.

Morning Afteris a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. What are you watching tonight? What are we missing out on? Recommendations and discussions down below.