When singer Amy Winehouse's ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil was thrown in the clinker back in 2007, his mother said she was "delighted!"

Mom was happy because now she didn't have to worry about him. All Blake needed was a little dose of jail time.

Two years ago, I found myself driving over the Bay Bridge in order to bail out my then 23- year-old son Alex from the San Francisco County Jail. During his second year at the very liberal Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington, he'd begun reading anarchist texts. His politics went from very liberal to no politics at all. As he told me, the definition for anarchy is "No leaders," so the fight for no government interference began to guide him.

The day before my drive, Alex had been arrested at an anti-war rally and charged with nine felonies. Before leaving the house, I'd called the intake officer, discovering that one of the felonies was carrying a concealed deadly weapon. As I drove, I clutched the steering wheel, wondering incredulously, "What weapon? What had he meant to do? Who had he meant to hurt? How can you stop a war in one place with a weapon here?"

To be honest, this brush with the judiciary system didn't come as a complete shock. Alex had been arrested before, taken into this same jail two years earlier for the same reason, war protesting. But that time, the cops had broken Alex's arm with a baton and released him. Following his freedom, he took public transportation to the hospital, the doctors cast his arm and the next night he was at his younger brother Josh's play, walking the opening night crowd like a movie star.

"You are so inspiring!" the play's director said.

I'd wanted to jump the director and slap him silly. What was the point of all this protesting? Would it change the world or just make my life a living hell? And look what it was doing to his brother whose night this really was. Two years older than Josh, Alex had always stolen the limelight with his eloquence and energy, and even on this important night, such was the case. Everyone was focused on the wrong person.

"You must be so proud," one of the other parents said.

"Yes, the play is great," I said.

"No, your other son! How brave of him to put himself out there."

This time, as I parked my car at the jail lot and walked up to the open bail bonds office, I thought back on that parent's comment from two years earlier. How I could possibly be proud of Alex's arrests? Surely we need people to shake things up, to voice the other side of issues. And I believe in the right to protest.

But was my son protesting a war on foreign soil or waging a war on some internal demon? What was this good fight that he was fighting really about? Was he fighting for peace or against his suburban upbringing?

I didn't know. I didn't know if he knew, either.

The kind woman at the bail bonds office calmed me. She gave me instructions on how to find my son's courtroom and then pointed me in the direction of a decent coffee shop.

Later than morning, my handcuffed son was led into the courtroom, wearing a neon orange jumpsuit. He looked exhausted and sad, his hair unkempt, and suddenly without even realizing I was doing so, I was in his corner, on his side, clear that he should be released. He was only protesting, and the concealed deadly weapon? A toy slingshot.

Now, as I think back at that moment, after all the charges were dropped, I understand the mothers with sons in jail, the mothers whose sons are violent, even murderous. Mothers love their children even if they can't be proud of them. But how far can that love stretch? What would it take for me to look at my son and back away slowly, leaving him to his own life?

That's a question I don't want to answer.

This essay was written by Jessica Barksdale Inclan, a novelist who teaches literature and creative writing for Diablo Valley College, and novel writing for UCLA Extension. Visit her at Red Room to read more of her work, including her latest supernatural romance novel, The Beautiful Being.

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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 6)

I sympathize with you on so many levels: my only son is a student at Evergreen and has been arrested twice for participating in antiwar protests. He was also at both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions in '08, protesting against both parties' support of the war in Iraq; he spent the last of the cash I had sent him on springing a buddy out of jail in Denver. I support his political beliefs and his right to protest; but I am also scared to death that one of these days he'll be injured or even killed during one of these demonstrations. In his case, I know he is sincere and isn't just rebelling against his suburban middle class background. We've had many in-depth discussions about why he does what he does, and they are well reasoned and thought out.

But ultimately, I think there does come a point where a parent has to back off and allow her or his adult child the right to be who s/he is. I didn't like when my parents tried to control my choices as a young adult, and eventually I moved 3,000 miles away from them just to get away from their interference. I also vowed I would never do the same to my children, and I hope I have lived up to that promise. (As a mother you just can't back off all the time. ;-) But you have to trust that your son, now a grown man, will make the right choices for himself. And even if you don't agree with them, you'll know when it's time to let go.

My son was at the Republican convention as well. And the G8 in Germany. I often find myself traveling with my passport, not becuase of where I am going but because of where he is.

Lately, though, I sense a solidity, or at least, a difference in focus, for him and for me. For me it's about enjoying him and not getting caught up.

Evergreen is a great and wonderful school, and it was perfect for my son. And he is doing what he wants now, which is a great deal more than other people can say. I'm still living in the question, but the question is smaller!

hi my 2 sons and myself are alcoholics. I am sober 20 yrs my sons are in process of finding sobriety. Having a son with this desease is very diffcult it comes with many arrest and blackouts not remembering what u even did. I use to lose sleep worring still do. We need to help our kids because jails help noone, anyone who gets sent to state prison is risking ,beatings ,isolation for yrs, anything can happen. Your son can be there for small charge and if he has a rebelious nature he can end up in solitary confinement in restraints for minor reasons.. I would do anything in my power to kreep my son out of jail it helps no one.It is ahorrible place. They look esically ok from outside but look beyond the walls to the isolation units, men go completely crazy there . No one cares. Tell your sons to protest that. We have the worst jail in world

Siddle you are rather foolish and that fact that you support your son in his delusion is even more sad and destructive. You whine about how your worry he will be hurt or killed during these "protests", but you "support" him. Please try to be sensible. I know its hard with your liberal outlook, but try. Its called looking at things realistically instead of how you WISH they were. Sad to see so many "parents" whose idea of support is letting their kids continue down destructive paths under the guise of "freedom of thought". Sad....

As a mother of a rebellious son, I have learned that as mothers we NEVER quit loving our children... or blaming ourselves for their short comings. I have also learned that God so totally understands what it feels like to have a child rebel when all we want is the very best for them. It may be a new concept for some to think of God has having feelings but which of us has NOT gone against His best for us at some point in oir lives? Newer yet to think we cause God pain & hurt. We all have free will and make choices daily.

There does come a point where we have to take our hands off our children's lives when they wish to live so contraray to our beliefs.Think of the parable of the prodigal son. It states that "no one gave him any thing". He finally came to his senses and returned to his Father in repentance. True repentance is not wanting to repeat the same choices not merely sorry that they were caught. As a parent, it sure hurts to go through years of rebellion but God is faithful even when we or our children or not.

Sometimes it seems impossible to trust a grown child's bad choices. We have to learn to trust in God to help them in spite of themselves. Hard to do but a must. Seems it has taken me a life time to learn & I am still learning.

Siddie, you are doing the only sensible thing that you can do as a mother. I believe it is correct to support your son's right to express his beliefs in a strong way. It sounds like he is very, very clearly aware of the potential pitfalls of his protests. That is good. It means that his choices are informed choices. Whatever repercussions arise will be his to deal with, and will help him grow and mature. How can he learn to fly if he can't even jump out of the nest and spread his wings? Of course, if it's a genuinely dangerous thing he is doing, you might want to read up on some statistics of the situation and present those to him. You might even brainstorm ideas for in case real trouble arises while he is part of a protest. But he still has to make up his OWN mind. If you try to manipulate or direct him, all that will happen is that you'll lose the rapport you have with him, and that would be very bad, because even though they are techinically "grown," our young adult children still need us. So keep the lines of communication open by letting him be his own person. And it wouldn't hurt to say a prayer for his protection, as well. ;)

i have been there. and there comes a time when how you support your child changes. i came to understand that my son needed to be where he was. he needed to come to an understanding that the rules are not just moms rules, but rather the rules of society. he came to understand that mom is not all powerful. he came to understand that even though he committed a crime, i would love and support him. i would be there for him to lean on, to vent in internal feelings to, and there was no need for me to judge him innocent or guilty. that had already been done. i welcomed his phone calls, and cherished his letters. he learned that i would still love him, even in his guilt and imperfections. he came out a changed man. a better man, and a man i can now be proud to call my son. the state provided him with a therapist to help screw his head on right, and a special teacher to address his learning difficulties. in all honesty, i could not have afforded all of that on what we made. (he was a minor when he was sentenced.) yes, he still makes a lot of foolish and stupid mistakes. but he is doing the best he can in this difficult economy to provide a good living for his wife and family. really, isnt that all any of us can do?

If your son feels so strongly about the war then he should spend his own money on getting out of jail and not depend on his parents to foot the bill for his beliefs. While you might agree with his protests, you are not doing him any favors by bailing him out of trouble every time he wishes to express himself in America. It is very expensive to express yourself in America and I assume you are paying for him to be educated at college. That takes enough money, while we all applaud him for protesting against the war... he should has his own stash of money, or his organization should have it to get him out of jail. Unless that is what you are sending him for college to do.. Unfortunately, now protesting and a whole lot of other minor offenses at college can end up being felony charges that cost parents upwards of $50,000.00 just to fight to keep there record clean. In this economy they should know what money means and why they are at college.

I have no sympathy for you! Your son didn't get charged with being an antiwar protester. I have never heard of a toy slingshot, you know for that fact I've never heard of a fake gun carrying real bullets.I have however stood in a croud across the street from liberals who through rocks at us! Slingshots are a dangerous weapon that can in a big croud kill someone so OHMY its a deadly weapon. Your cry for help should be for an asswhooping your son so deserves. Anyone protesting piecfully has the right in the Constitution to piecfully assemble. We also have the right to bear arms. But if we brandish those arms in a croud we also have the right to remain silent!

I agree with you about how hard it is to have a child in jail. It was very hard for me when I had to have my son arrested for a crime that he did and I had to watch him being taken out of my house in handcuffs. That was very hard on me but it was very necessary for him. He spent 2 years in a foster care home for juveniles who had committed the type of crime that he committed. He needed those 2 years there; he came out a much better person for it. He was fortunate that he only had to spend a rather short time in a juvenile facility before he was put in to the foster care home. He got a lot of extensive psychiatric help and other help that he needed. He is now getting close to 40 and the father of 2 beautiful young children. Your son did not commit any crimes by protesting but it is still hard on a parent to know that there kid is in jail for anything. I had a brother who attended several protests back in the 60's and I'm sure our parents were very worried about him to. He was fortunate to never be arrested or anything but he told me years later that the FBI or one of the other organizations probably had his name on a list or two at that time. He did not believe in the Viet Nam war and he was adimit (sp?) about his beliefs. I did not agree with him but I told him I would defend to my death his right to do that. I have tried to let all of my kids live their lives as they wanted to do it even if I did not always agree with their choices. I raised them as best I could and had to trust that they had learned the best lessons they could from me when they grew up and went out on their own. My kids and I do not always agree on things but...that is our right to do that. Thankfully aside from my son having the problems he had none of my other kids have been in trouble with the law in any way but...if any of them decide to protest something I will support them as best I can even if I may not agree with them.

It's extremely difficult when the child you love beyond belief and raised with love, discipline, and care goes to jail. At least yours was standing up for a belief, though -- mine was caught underage drinking and then became beligerent with the police officer. Not smart. I had already told him that if he were arrested, he could spend the night in jail, and he did -- in the drunk tank with some really unsavory folks. That did him some good, actually. He didn't stop drinking, but he now knows to stay out of public and not to talk back to a policeman. Sometimes, letting your son stay in jail for a bit is the best thing for him. In your case, though, he shouldn't have been arrested in the first place for protesting a war. I'd just say to other mothers -- consider letting your child spend the night in jail and don't rush to the rescue immediately, but be there for him emotionally.

I'am in a despair situation, it really touch myself.I want to read her book. I don't know how to survive, I don't know how to act. I can't aprove what he did, but I must acept this reality.Thanks for writing this subject, I don't feel alone.

Candfil, If you want to read a book that will show you how to act and to rise above desperate situations, may I boldly suggest the Bible. I urge you to get a copy and start with the book of John. You will find all you are looking for and much more on those pages. With Christ, you will never be alone again. God bless you.

I think u r mistaken war does not bring peace ask the people of Irag look to people up in this blog an Iraqy girl resents us there Democracy at any cost lots of killing either be free or we will kill u

I sent my son who proudly served in the Navy to fight for this country during the Gulf War and he came back a drug addict. Crack is the form of drugs he took to escape responsibility of his own choices; I had begged him NOT to join as he was an anarchist long before he went into the Navy.I am from a military family, my late father serving in all the branches except the Coast Guard and retiring from the Air Force. I joined the Air Force and my sister the Army, she serving overseas and myself stateside for there was nary a war when either of us joined. She was let go with an undesireable as was my son and I got 4 years and a college education. My sister like my son was coddled by their fathers'. I did not believe that I should take part in any of my sons' choices but, then I had very little diffulculty in anyone, either father or mother taking part in my choices when I joined. I have never seen the inside of a jail or plan on seeing one in the near future and told my own children if they did, I would visit once a month. Joining the armed forces is not a way a young person has their morals, standards of ethics or responsibilities enforced or engrained into them; it is by the parents to do so before they grow older and move away to go to college. Most colleges today teach a sorrid view of life much less the truth by the professors or adjuncts. It is not the professors opinion the student should be esteeming toward but that of the parent; one being fiction one being fact.