Tag Archives: battletanx: global assault

The other day, I met someone off of Craigslist at a bar at one in the morning. It’s not what it sounds like, though – rather than being desperate for some weird sex jams, I was just looking to buy a Nintendo 64. The idea had come to me the day before on a whim, so I took to the Internet to try and relive my memories of being six and playing Beetle Racing and Super Mario 64 with my sisters. Laura, my oldest, was the best at it, so I’d read her the games’ instruction manuals while Maddy, two years younger than me, gnawed off the gray plastic knobs on the controllers’ joysticks. Their twisted remains stabbed me in the thumb every time I used them, often causing me to get blood all over the A and B buttons. It was a beautiful time.

With this in mind, I found a seller from Queens who was willing to meet my partner and me (d0n’t worry, I’m a safety-conscious lady) and sell us a system, controller, and fifteen games for the low, low price of $50. When I first got it, I ran around the bar all like:

Yes! Yes! Yes! I was really excited, even though some of the games included in the package were truly shitty. One of them was Superman, which is a total Super Nintendon’t and has been called the worst game on any Nintendo system as well as other dubious distinctions, plus something called Battletanx: Global Assault (? no).

The bright spot of the bunch was Paper Mario, which is a charming little adventure game that is basically Final Fantasy with a cutesy plumbing protagonist. It rules…and my thumbs are still intact, in what is definitely an upgrade on my childhood nostalgia. Any other recommendations? I promise I’ll buy them over the counter this time.

Subscribe.

You won't get an offer for the second year 50% off, because that's mathematically impossible when my blog is free, or any sort of gift upon subscription (always tote bags, in my experience), but you WILL get emails when I post.