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Ask Eleanor, Therapist

Category: Relationship

Satisfied Customers: 1517

Experience: Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 Years Experience

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Ask Eleanor is online now

I have a close friend who has had a girlfriend for over 3 years.

Resolved Question:

I have a close friend who has had a girlfriend for over 3 years. I also have had a boyfriend for 4 years now. I like his girlfriend a lot, and he always got along well with my boyfriend. We have been close friends, and have our routine meet ups and catching up dinners/brunches where we often talk about our relationships, and I know that we both really care a lot about each other as friends. we never ever crossed a line or even thought about it. No flirting, no hugging.. just friends, honest and simple. This past weekend at a party, we were all tipsy (maybe a little more than that), and all of a sudden, he leaned and kissed me. twice. We didnt talk about it for the rest of the night or the next day.I decided to see him a few days later, and I went to have coffee with him. Things were awkward at first, but then we both agreed that it was something we never thought of before. and he said that he had never cheated on his girlfriend before, and that he really likes her. he also said he wants us to stay friends, cuz he cares about me a lot. he said he did not mean for this to ruin the friendship, but that he realized that he was attracted to me. I was ok with pretending it never happened. Before the end of the coffee break though, we kissed again.. like it was the natural thing to do... and then again when saying goodbye. Im having a hard time reading his thoughts, and im not sure if he's just satisfying some urge he has. He also wouldnt let me take my distance with him, and promises it won't happen again.HELP!

Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Are you attracted to him, dear? Why did you let him kiss you?

Customer:

I didnt have to react when he first kissed me. It was unexpected

Customer:

I now realize that I definitely am attracted to him

Customer:

but never thought about it before

Ask Eleanor :

You must been feeling very confused right now, aren't you?

Customer:

Yeah, its mostly the feeling of awkwardness that I dislike. And I feel like a bad person for cheating on my boyfriend, and for doing that to his girlfriend as well. I truly like her

Customer:

Its confusing because he says that he doesnt regret doing it, but he has no plans of leaving his girl for example

Ask Eleanor :

Yes, quite confusing. And when did you last talk with him?

Customer:

Well, I saw him yesterday at a friends gathering, and he was with his girlfriend acting all cuddly. we both pretended like nothing was wrong

Ask Eleanor :

What do you need to make you feel better?

Customer:

Afterwards he texted me saying that he's not giving me the choice of taking my distances with him, because he's never giving up on our friendship

Customer:

I can't tell anyone about this, but I would like to know if you think he was just playing around

Customer:

or that actually meant something

Customer:

Should I just pretend it never happened, and forget about it

Customer:

cause that might be the easiest probably.

Ask Eleanor :

First, please tell me a bit about his character in general, is he a trustworthy, kind person?

Customer:

he's very kind, very successfull, has lots of friends. He has a strong caracter and people are naturally drawn into him. I know that he dated a lot of women a few years back, but his current girlfriend really changed him, and he has stuck with her for the last 3 years

Customer:

its his longest relationship, and he himself says that he was a womanizer before

Ask Eleanor :

Okay, then I don't believe he was just playing around, he was expressing his true attraction to you. Do you ever meet with him alone other than the coffee the other day?

Customer:

Yeah, we used to do that regularly. meeting for coffee, or lunches to catch up on our lives, and we both made it a point to be just the two of us without our couples or other friends. He is one of my closest friends, and we discuss things that we are not necessarily comfortable talking about with other people.

Customer:

Now I dont think I will let that happen though, which means our friendship is already affected

Ask Eleanor :

Yes, your relationship is definitely changed. It will be very difficult to not have him as a close friend and confident anymore. Do you believe you can go out as couples now?

Customer:

Maybe in a little while. Not right away. I think he is as confused as I am, just better at hiding it.

Customer:

attraction doesnt always mean feelings. I believe its only attraction, even though he swears he never thought of me like that before

Ask Eleanor :

Since the two of you were so close, you were already in a bit of an emotional affair and it sounds like the alcohol released inhibitions that were just under the surface for you both. I believe you would find seeing a therapist helpful at this time. It will give you a safe, confidential place to to sort through your feelings about him and get you through this very difficult situation. Are you open to therapy?

Customer:

Yes, however, I am not quite to the point where I think I need therapy. Thanks for your help. I guess it is as confusing to people as it is to me :)

Ask Eleanor :

You are very welcome. One thing I do no is that things will not return to the way they were before and will likely get much more confusing. So I am pleased that you are open to therapy. It has been my pleasure to help. Please remember to click on the green accept button so that I will receive credit for my answer. I wish you all the best, XXXXX XXXXX Eleanor

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