Real Housewives of New York

Tequila: Real Housewives of New York Recap

This week on Real Housewives of New York Bethany confronted Ramona about the tequila trip, Tinsley flipped out about the Page Six article, and Bethenny took the others on a tequila field trip.

TOUGH BROAD

Though Luann had fallen through the bushes the night before, she had resumed her yoga practice beside the pool with Dorinda the next morning. It was the sugar in the tequila that made her slur her words and have no stability as she walked down stairs. It was a surprise to Bethenny who had always thought Luann was able to drink like a fraternity brother at a Big Ten school. “Luann is a tough bitch, I’d be beside the toilet if I were her,” Bethenny said.

FLOWERS

Tinsley’s new boyfriend Scott, a king in the coupon industry, sent her a bouquet of flowers fit for a Catholic funeral. Carole was proud of herself for setting them up and immediately considered her maid of honor mosquito tent.

LATE TO THE GAME

“Girls, Luann fell in the bushes last night,” explained Ramona. “Uh, yeah, we know,” replied Bethenny. It was not unusual for Ramona to deliver news well after the fact. “Hey, girls, did you hear you no longer have to use a rotary phone! Now you can use something called a cell phone.”

Ramona apologized for consistently shoving her own foot in her mouth. It was hard for her to get out of her own way. Just when she had cleared a path for herself she took a dump in the middle of it. Bethenny explained she wasn’t totally comfortable with Ramona attending any tequila related events. “I have important business partners coming and I can’t afford for you to pour gasoline on my business and then throw a match,” explained Bethenny. Ramona didn’t see her point, but would honor her decision. “I get it,” said Bethenny, “you don’t like me.” “I don’t NOT like you,” replied Ramona, as if that lessened the blow. “I have nothing against you,” said Ramona while her upper lip dangled in the wind. They nodded heads at one another and walked separate ways.

SISTERS

Tinsley and Sonja were like sisters, but born to separate mothers and on different planets. They both wanted the best for each other, but had different values and spoke different languages. Tinsley complained once again that Page Six was reporting she was a horrendous houseguest and would have hoped Sonja would cop to tipping off the press. “Look at how you are behaving,” said Sonja. “You worry about the press, well get ready!”

IT’S ON ME

Later that afternoon they shopped in the strip malls of Punta Mita. Ramona purchased straw bags for everyone, including Bethenny whose credit card was temporarily blocked. It was a peace offering at a reduced fee given the value of the peso. “I am going to pretend nothing is wrong,” said Ramona. “How much is it going to cost for Ramona to go on the tequila trip?” wondered Bethenny. 60 pesos.

After shopping for knick-knacks they will never use Bethenny and Carole relaxed in the hot tub with Sonja. They watched Ramona whom had just come from a fresh blowout run sprint on the beach. “Why would she want to get sweaty?” wondered Sonja, which reminded her of all the times she spent a weekend at Ramona’s Hamptons home listening to she and Mario have sexual intercourse through their “paper thin” walls. (Editorial note: Not ideal for resale value). “That woman is not happy if she is not getting banged,” said Sonja. “I know Sonja is a pain in the ass,” Sonja explained in her confessional interview with her brand new set of veneers, “but she is sad now without all that hot sex.”

SORRY

Sonja plead with Ramona to understand Bethenny’s reluctance to invite her on a Skinnygirl sponsored trip. “I know, I hurt her feelings,” said Ramona. Sonja held her head in her hands. “Yes, yes, that’s right, my angel,” said Sonja. “I know I have a problem,” said Ramona, though she wasn’t exactly sure what that problem was. “I should accept who she is, which is obviously a garbage person,” she added.

Later at dinner Bethenny reminded everyone to take things easy, they would be at the tequila plant the next day and the last thing she needed was to have more people falling into bushes. After a meaningful discussion about oral sex Dorinda gave each woman a gift.

KEEP IT IN CHECK

Back at the house Bethenny pled with Ramona to keep things in check. “If you don’t have anything nice to say,” don’t say anything at all. “I would never do such a thing, give me more credit,” said Ramona forgetting the time she told Jill Zarin in front of Kodak executives that their business model was old and ineffective.

Sonja had not had a drink in 10 months, and there was no better time to fall off the wagon than on a tequila field trip airing on national/international television. Ramona wrapped her baby skin, fresh from her Silence of The Lambs procedure, in a scarf as they approached a helicopter. “Imagine if you had not come,” said Bethenny to a Steven Tyler styled Ramona.

TEQUILA FIELD TRIP

After they landed in the agave fields Rafael handed them Skinnygirl margaritas as a group of native dancers performed a routine for Mexico’s Do You Think You Can Dance. “This has been a real mind opener,” said Ramona. Dorinda wondered if Ramona was able to do more ass kissing.

After inhaling several tequila shots they all sat in wonderment. “Pace yourself,” said Bethenny as Dorinda’s eyes crossed. “This is not your average tequila,” explained Luann. This was the Super Bowl of distilled beverages. After seven rounds of tequila Sonja was barely buzzed. “That’s really good tequila,” Sonja slurred, “because I am barely drunk.” It was a surprising statement given the way she kissed Luann’s neck and went into graphic details about Mario’s abs and how he pleasured Ramona while they were married. “I don’t believe you are happy without Mario,” said Sonja, “You got banged every night and now you are in a dry spell, and that must be hard.” Ramona held her hand and squeeze it.

It was Bethenny’s point that sex every night seemed unrealistic; naturally your vagina would fall off. “We were intimate three times a week,” said Ramona, “which even impressed our therapist.” “You must stop therapizing,” reasoned Bethenny. She was the last person who could provide mental health counseling.