FHM vs Niki Gudex

"Can we out-pedal an Olympic-level athlete? God, what made us think we might?"

"Last time you saw Niki Gudex in FHM she was lounging about in a teensy black bikini. Given the pants tightening nature of the photos, maybe you didn't take in the fact she's a national cross-country mountain bike champ in line for a start at the Beijing Olympics. We did. Then wondered: how hard can it be to put the little lady in her place with a riding lesson she'll never forget? FHM suited up to defend the honour of grossly unfit Australian men…

THE WARM-UP
We're expecting smooth, fast tracks through open fields of windblown grass. We get Teflon-coated rocks, rutted dirt and knacker-smashing drops instead. We're still trying to sort the 21-speed gear change when a tree branch becomes jammed behind the rear wheel. It dawns on our rival that we have the cycling talent of a circus chimp.
Gudex: 1; FHM: 0

THE DOWNHILL
We watch, slack-jawed, as Niki floats across a boulder-strewn downhill section. The woman barely brushes the brakes at the top of a nasty 10-metre drop over pebble-strewn rocks. FHM considers bailing, but we shut our eyes, aim left, and wobble down the incline at an embarrassing crawl. "Keep doing it and you'll smash down there eventually," she says. Sure enough, we get faster with each pass… until we slide off the track and cut our shin on a stick.
Gudex: 2; FHM: 0

THE UPHILL
Surely this is an archaeological dig, not a track. Niki sprays sharp stones in her wake and flies up a 50-metre cut between trees. FHM wobbles, scrabbles, shimmies… and gasps to a halt halfway up. Defeated, we need Niki to push us up to the top.
Gudex: 3; FHM: a humiliating 0