Saturday, March 26, 2011

Trailer Trash: Age of Dragons, Three Musketeers

Welcome to Trailer Trash, were I trash trailers of upcoming films.

Age of Dragons - 2011

I like the idea of taking the concept of Moby Dick and putting it into a different setting so that we can freshen it up and use the fantasy setting to revive certain elements that would seem over tread in a straightforward adaptation.The idea of hunting dragons for their "fire" sounds cool, and there use in stories as dangerous predators make it sound more exciting then hunting whales, but this trailer doesn't scream "Excitement"The setting looks so small, like we're on the location of wherever they shot "Stargate SG-1" in Vancouver. We don't get any wide angle shots of the supposed "harsh terrain", let alone the sky, you know, where the dragons are flying! Theres a scene in the end of the trailer were see them slowly climbing up a tiny hill (shot from a low angle to make it look bigger) in in fact they're walking slowly because they don't have that much hill to work with an have to fudge the shots to make it look epic.Rachel with her perfect cheekbones and shiny hair looks too good to be a huntress and her lone one facial expression renders her completely unappealing. Then we get some cleavage shots and a long look at her bare back and she actually becomes less attractive because she's clearly teasing, but hasn't given me a reason to care at all.Then theres Vinnie Jones, with his patchy beard to let us know that he's a tough, experienced outdoorsman who has braved the arctic chill. Oh please! My beard is thicker than that and its much warmer were I am than were he is supposed to be.This also makes be wonder why dragons, cold blooded reptiles, would be flying around in this arctic circle of a place. Maybe there internal fire flips things around, I don't know.I can hardly be excited about the actual dragon hunt when their harpoon and rope both have the thickness and durability of a toothpick. How to you expect to injure and pull down a creature that weighs as much as a semi, with something so flimsy? You'd probably have better luck using a freshly sharpened pencil. Come back to me when you've got a double coiled rope, or enough world building were you can't be out done my a children's movie like "How to Train Your Dragon."

Grade: Person Interest Zero, but my brother is a big fan of SyFy Channel Original Movies, and this certainly has that look and feel to it. Maybe I can use the Shakespearean speech of Danny Glover to introduce him to higher quality cinema.

The Three Musketeers - October 14th

The trailer starts with a Musketeer doing a James Bond Goldfinger-Ninja submersion stunt before killing someone with spring loaded 3-D shot weapon before jumping off the roof like Batman. Then we've got Milla doing her own action scenes and reminding us that corsets showcase cleavage.

Its clear producers are going the same route with the recent "Sherlock Holmes" and "Pirates of the Caribbean" films, trying to spice up a period piece with lots of action scenes that are cut just like modern blockbusters and raking in millions since young people with be attracted to fast moving stuff plus a recognizable name ever if they're never read the story before.

My problem with the trailer is that it seems to be selling three things: 3D shots, Lots of swordfighting, and a thin layer of sex. You might argue that theres humor, what with wisecracks about "Are you sure it wasn't 400" but that humor isn't very effective because I don't know the character or the situation. I think I only got one of the character's names and even less of what the actual story is about, which is kind of important if you want to make it endearing. Especially when you consider that many viewers will know the name and not much else.

What do were have of substance here? Um... Shot in 3D!!!! Might as well have called it "The Three-D Musketeers".

Grade: Originally I was going to say "Mild Interest", but then I learned Paul WS Anderson, director of Event Horizon, Alien Vs Predator and Resident Evil was behind this project, thus setting the bar at "Avoid like the Plague".

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