Thursday, October 23, 2008

Missing my Little Guy

So today, I got to play full-time aunt! My sister-in-law Kim had a jewelry show to attend this weekend, and they gave me the opportunity to stay with them for a couple of nights to help her get ready for the show and then watch the kids for her today. I don't get to see my niece and nephews very often, so it was a lot of fun to be with them. We had a good time eating, bathing, reading books, doing hair, watching a movie, doing homework, and even taking a nap together. They are so cute, and I really enjoyed getting to do some of the "motherly" things with them today.Well, tonight when Kim got home from her show, all the kids needed to bath and get ready for bed. Since Jed was gone, Kim and I did the tag team (which works out really nice). I got Grady and Halie bathed and dressed, and then Gavin wanted mommy to get him ready for bed. So while Kim got him ready, she asked if I wouldn't mind feeding Grady his bedtime bottle. This is my favorite thing to do with babies... I love snuggling little ones close, wrapping them up, and feeding them. This is one of the things I really looked forward to doing with Branson in our recliner at night...rocking, feeding, singing, cuddling, just being together during those minutes each day. I've heard that feeding time is when a lot of the bonding occurs between mom and baby, and I was so excited for that. In fact, my arms have been so empty at times since we had Branson that they have literally ached. So I was grateful for the chance to snuggle little Grady close one more time. As the two of us sat on the couch tonight all alone, I could see a little bit of Branson in him, the big Anderson head, the cute little nose, the perfect little ears. As I longed for my son I couldn't help shedding tears of lonliness and feel the tug of my heartstrings as they ached for my little guy. As Grady reached up with his precious little hand to touch my nose while he ate, like many little babies do, I couldn't help but picture my little Branson and wish that I would have had that moment with him. I am grateful to Kim for letting me have some time with just Grady to love him and feel the warmth of a baby in my arms. Kim, thank you for not worrying about leaving me with a baby, thank you for not telling me not to cry. It was nice to be able to shed tears and not have the "watchful, wondering" eyes upon me as I did so. It's what I needed tonight before I go back to my house and see my nursery still waiting. I miss my sweet Branson more than words can say!

1 comment:

Oh my dear sweet Natalie how my heart aches for you...this is truely one of those times when I would abuse the principal of patience, for I can't stand to watch you suffer so. Oh how I wish there was something that I could do. I feel very humble when I think of your situation and know there is nothing I can do to change it....except turn to the Lord and pray with all the energy of my soul that he will be mindful of you and Rob. Thanks for sharing such tender moments and the thoughts of your heart. The entrys on your blog site are so special, they truely radiate the spirit of the Holy Ghost and it blesses all who read it. As I write this I know you are on your way home. I know you will feel joy in seeing and being with Rob again....and I pray that seeing the empty nursery and the feelings associated with that will be tempered to the point that you can endure it. Thank you again for being willing to share the thoughts of your heart. They are so tender and special. I love you deeply and I want you to know I have never tasted such wonderful "soup" Please continue to share.Love Dad

About Me

Branson's Web Site

Our Family

On July 1st, 2008 my husband and I welcomed our first little boy to our family...Branson. The day before he was born it was discovered that his little heart had stopped beating, and that he would not be joining us here. After waiting 5 years for this day, we were shocked and devasted to say the least. Although we are three months out, it feels like we are still right in the thick of things. As I am finding out, grieving is a difficult, long, and at times unbearable process. I create this blog as a place for me to record my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. A place where I can talk about the hard days, the peaceful days, the angry days, the days full of questions,the lonely days, the joyful days, and every day inbetween. I hope through my sharing, I will see the the things I am learning, the things I have been blessed with, and the love that the Lord and Branson have for me. I also pray that in some small way, this might benefit others who face a similar trial. A place that we can all reflect on as part of our healing journey.