Definitely older, possibly wiser….

The Only Constant

I started this blog because I wanted to write about the phase of my life that I called “middle age,” even if I was a bit old for that title. At the time, I was feeling a little bit lost and unsure of myself in the face of changes that sometimes seemed overwhelming. I was a stay-at-home mom whose kids had grown up and moved out, and a free-lance writer who hadn’t sold anything in years. My mother had reached the age where our roles were beginning to reverse. Trying to keep up with the latest in technology left me feeling both confused and inadequate. Worst of all were the changes that aging had wrought on my body, which essentially meant that everything that could possibly go south had done so, and I couldn’t read a thing without my reading glasses.

One way or another, I felt that my old identity had been stripped away and I hadn’t yet found my new one. I thought that blogging about it might help, because writing has always helped me sort out just exactly what I am thinking and feeling. And I was right…..it did help. Just not quite in the way I had thought.

It’s been over three years since I launched Muddling Through My Middle Age, and I still haven’t found that new identity. But after spending so much time writing about the struggle to figure out just who I have become, I finally realized that it is that it’s perfectly okay not to know exactly who I am, or to claim a particular role and self-image and try to make it last for the rest of my life. Because life is constantly changing, and the only way I can ever hope to cope with that is by being willing to change right along with it.

Of course some things about me will always stay the same. My basic personality, my morals and my values, my deepest loves and my most annoying quirks are with me for life. But so many other things have changed. Just in recent years, I’ve become a blogger, a mother-in-law and a grandmother. I am, slowly but surely, gaining confidence in my ability to master technology. I have embraced new ideas and conquered some old fears. I have become more “comfortable in my own skin” than I have ever been, even if that skin is awfully wrinkled and saggy these days.

The truth is, there is no such thing as just one new identity for me to discover and embrace for the rest of my life. There’s just me….continually changing, growing and adapting to whatever life happens to bring. And that’s a good thing.

I agree! I don’t know why for so long I thought it was a matter of making one change, and then staying with that. But I was so wrong…the change keeps coming, and it’s actually what makes life interesting!

Yes, the challenges of middle age and above are sometimes daunting, but we keep on evolving to the person and place God wants for us. Like you said, I have never been more comfortable in my own skin. Thanks for sharing.

Great post that I wholeheartedly resonate with Ann. Change is the only constant isn’t it. Like you, I’ve been blogging for just on three years and looking back I feel the same. I’m fundamentally the same person just adapting to constant changes. That’s life. Keep enjoying and inspiring us. Here’s to the next three years of blogging and beyond. xo

I love reading what you write and how you write it. I am struggling in the confidence to write basically like you do. I think who cares and then I read another post of yours and then another and I feel that we could be the one and the same at times. I find myself saying YES in my head “out loud” at times that it is exactly what I am thinking, feeling or wanting to say myself.

I know what you mean, because it took me a long time to just write exactly what I really think and feel. I heard the “who cares?” in my mind as well, and also had a fear of being wrong about some important thing. But eventually, I learned that the only way to write is to express your own, unique voice. And realize that some people will relate to it, and others won’t….but that is okay! Please keep writing and trust me, the confidence will come. Your voice should be heard!

I have to believe Socrates when he said the an unexamined life is not worth living. I too started a blog to write about and document my new phase of life, after our daughters moved out and I closed down my business. Like you, it has provided me a creative outlet to express myself, and really helped me find my way through “middle age” and beyond.

I believe that, too! And isn’t it wonderful how blogging does help us to examine our own lives and to learn more about who we really are? It is a wonderful creative outlet, I think. And the nice part is all the other people we “meet” who are doing the same thing! It’s a whole new community of support!

First of all, congratulations on the discovery of your ever changing identity with the caveat that certain things like your values, idiosyncrasies, quirks etc. will never change. Secondly, and just as important congratulations on being content with who you are. To mind comes a Latin proverb which we once had to memorize in high school: Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis. Times are changing and we are changing with (in) them. Have a great start of the week, Ann!

Thank you, Peter! It has taken a long time for me to begin to be content with who I am, but it was more than worth the wait. A life spent trying to please others is just as difficult as a life spent trying to resist the change that comes to all of us. I hope you have a great week, too!

I’m so glad to know that! One of the best things about blogging, I think, is that what we write can help others, and what we read can help us. Thanks for taking the time to let me know this post spoke to you!

Dear Ann, I like this post which pretty well describes our eagerness to adjust to the changing world around us. Acceptance and embracing the change is the underlying adventure of life. The satisfaction of living through the adventure comes out well. Keep up the good work. Rammohan Swaharu

On Mar 5, 2018 05:13, “Muddling Through My Middle Age” wrote:

> Ann Coleman posted: “I started this blog because I wanted to write about > the phase of my life that I called “middle age,” even if I was a bit old > for that title. At the time, I was feeling a little bit lost and unsure of > myself in the face of changes that sometimes seemed ove” >

After one of those hard mid life weekends, I woke to have coffee and read your blog.
Ann, you write what I can’t about how I feel about life and the knowing that there isn’t anything we can do except change with the situation. I think the hardest is watching parents and parents in laws now at the twilight of life and knowing we are heading there faster than we wish. There is nothing romantic in growing old and it isn’t Hollywood. It is messy, complicated, sad, and sometimes joyful.

Thanks for your posts and for putting down in words what we all are thinking and going through.

Yes, it is so hard to watch our parents aging, and harder to lose them. Especially, as you say, when we know that we aren’t so very far from that stage of life ourselves. Life really is complicated, isn’t it?
And thank you so much for taking the time to let me know that my blog speaks to you. Honestly, that is my ultimate goal in writing, and you have no idea how nice it is to have someone let me know that I reach it now and then!

lol all said above! You express yourself very well Ann and we all relate to what you say although my changes are vastly different don’t ever underestimate the importance of being comfortable in your own skin, well done!

Great post Ann. I think we are about the same age. I consider where I am now probably the second to last phase of my life (hopefully a relatively long phase). I have had similar learnings and acceptances and hopefully will be able to apply them when the transition to the next and perhaps last phase occurs. Kudos to you for great self awareness, acceptance, and appreciation for who you are.

Thanks, Michael! It sounds as if we are the same age, which I like to think of as the last stand before we are officially senior citizens. (Even if I do insist on calling it “middle age.”) And believe me, it has been a real struggle to get to this stage of self-awareness, and I backslide all the time. But ultimately, I do recognize that the real gift aging brings is self-awareness and self-acceptance.

The only thing that we can absolutely rely on is that change will happen whether or not we plan it, choose it or like it so learning to accept and to adapt, to ride the waves is the only way of surfing these rough seas and enjoying the calm days too!

Lovely post with a message that really resonated. I was also reminded of the Walt Whitman quote, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large I contain multitudes.” A single identity really is inadequate to define all that we are and are evolving toward. Congratulations on your multitudes . . . and your 3+ years of blogging!

Thank you! I hadn’t heard that quote before, but it is so spot-on. I believe I have wasted far too much time looking for a single identity, when the truth is that we are all evolving and changing, and will continue to do that for our whole lives. And that’s actually a good thing!

oh how well said! Circumstances have changed for us-we were who and what we needed to be under the conditions at those times. We still are. It was so very awkward for me transitioning from a a bustling family to a single older woman. Being adaptable is a very necessary skill, it turns out. Congratulations on three years! Best wishes for continued success and happiness!

I’m beginning to think that we never really “grow up.” We just grow and adapt, and we keep on doing that until the day of our funeral. Which, if you think about it, is not really a bad thing! Thanks for the comment!

I found this very relatable. The older I get the more chances I have to grown, change and redefine who I am. This is sometimes scary and exciting. Like you most of my core values have remained steadfast but I also like to surprise myself. I started a blog when I didn’t know what a blog was and have found it to be a fulfilling adventure. As we age we carry with us many layers of memory which make our lives rich and also sometimes complicated.
Thanks for continuing to share your journey authentically.

Thanks, Ali! I didn’t know what I was in for when I started a blog either, but this journey has turned out to be a very good one. Who knew? And I also want to thank you for the poetry you share on your blog. It’s honest, thought-provoking and insightful…and really, what more could your readers ask for?

Boy, this hit home. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately – like I’m not the me I’ve always been. That something is changing, evolving, different. I don’t feel like I quite fit with my old life. I only have one kid left at home and I find myself disconnecting from so much that used to be SO important. I’m frustrated with my body- it’s not acting or responding the way it always has. I’m surprised by the face in the mirror – that can’t possibly be me. And at the same time, I have a sense of anticipation, as if something new and big is about to start, as if I’m about to become someone different. But maybe you’re right, maybe I’m just changing and that’s okay and that’s normal. Maybe now, I’m just not so busy, so I notice this happening.

I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on this one. It was affirming for me. Thanks!

You sound so much like I was three years ago! Life is all about changes, but sometimes we are hit with so many of them, all at once, that it can be very overwhelming. But trust me, just hang in there, and things will get better. The parts of your identity that have been lost will be replaced with new things, and your life will go on in a good way. (Except for the physical part, that just sucks…) But you will grow in your understanding of yourself and you will stretch your boundaries as you age, and that is a true gift.

thank you for sharing these thoughts on my birthday 🙂
I am at the beginning of this journey as a „retiring“ stayhome-mother. It‘s amazing and troubling, what changes appear at the horizon with my kids eventually leaving home, my parents needing more attention, myself wanting to do stuff I always dreamt of, my husband wanting to do other stuff he always dreamt of …
it‘s funny, somehow this stage in my life feels a bit like another teenage-phase … full of possibilities, (self)doubt, anxieties, hopes and – yes – gratefullness & happyness at what I already achieved and for what I may be going to achieve.
looking forward to reading more from you

That’s a very good point I hadn’t thought of. This stage is so very much like our teenage years! We know that we are growing out of one phase of our life and into another, we know some of what our hopes and dreams are for this new phase, but we’re also unsure if we’ll ever actually get the chance to achieve those goals. And a part of us isn’t quite ready to let go of our “old” selves. Eventually, it does work out and we forge ahead, making the adjustments that we have to make. (Setting boundaries is something I learned to do rather quickly!) But it can be a bit scary, that is sure. Thanks for this comment…and happy birthday!

We get so caught up in the roles and identities we apply to ourselves and in relationship with others (mother, grandmother, colleague, friend, neighbor, sister etc etc) that we forget who we are beyond these. Questioning who we are is the keystone on a spiritual path Ann. Keep being who you are and enjoy the ride of discovery my friend 💛

You’re right Val! It’s all too easy to simply identify ourselves in terms of our relationships to others (especially when we have young kids where being “Mom” takes center stage), that we forget to simply be who we are. All by ourselves… Thanks for the reminder!

We are multitudes, intricately complex and full of wrinkled layers. It’s wonderful when we can embrace this about ourselves and others. It’s been wonderful getting to know your stylish writing and interesting perspectives.

As always, I identify with what you’re saying. I started my blog for the same reason you started yours, and I continue to search for where I belong in the world as I grow older. Your discovery about yourself is moving and thought provoking. Glad to be on this journey with you.

As I am glad to be on it with you! And I honestly believe that where we belong is just a constantly evolving thing, which I’m beginning to be okay with. It’s kind of liberating when we begin to embrace the change!

First: Congratulations on 3 years of blogging, Ann! That’s no small feat as every blogger will easily admit. 😉 It’s always a pleasure to read your posts and perspectives on life – and you’re spot on with change being the only constant! We all need to learn to adapt to new ways and technologies, don’t we? Life’s a journey and I’m so glad to take a little part in yours my friend!

How very wise of you. It’s hard to reinvent yourself, but it’s so much better than trying to hold onto the past. We can’t; it’s gone. And life is so much better when we look forward to new challenges. 🙂

You are so right…we can’t go backwards, even if we try. And standing still doesn’t even work for very long. We just keep moving forward, and I am getting to the point where I’m realizing that’s a good thing.

I think you are absolutely right Ann. There is only one of us, and to constantly seek reincarnation sounds terribly tiring. Good on you for self-acceptance – and for battling with all this technology that throws itself in our way.