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The Anatomy of a Mosh Pit

Pittus moshicus, more commonly known as “mosh pit,” is a species of organism that belongs to the family Hardrockus and the order Concertus. Its habitat generally consists of dark, moist spaces that are filled with mold, yeast and other fungi on which it feeds. The mosh pit prefers hot enclosed areas with few exits, limited ventilation and zero sunlight. Jarring noise emissions in excess of 120 decibels and artificial light that strobes sporadically in colors spanning the entire spectrum are imperative for mosh pit cultivation. The presence of toxic smoke, airborne bacteria and exorbitant amounts of carbon dioxide produced by other organisms also encourages the growth and vitality of the mosh pit. Flammable materials and spontaneous explosions further increase the likelihood that a mosh pit will develop. These habitats can be found on six of the seven continents—North America (where the mosh pit originated), South America, Europe, Africa, Asia and Australia.

The mosh pit comprises four main organs: the nucleus, the cytoplasm, the oral groove and the membrane. The nucleus is the primary energy source, serving as both the heart and central nervous system of the mosh pit. If the nucleus ceases to pulse, the entire organism will shut down and its contents will disperse. The cytoplasm flows around the nucleus and is contained within the membrane, a firm yet flexible wall covered in millions of long, tangled hairs. The oral groove is an opening in the membrane that sucks smaller organisms into the mosh pit, where they are swallowed up and circulate throughout the cytoplasm. The strongest of these microorganisms will make their way to the nucleus, while the weakest will be crushed under the cytoplasm’s weight and expelled via the anal pore. As the cytoplasm swells and shrinks, so does the impenetrability of the membrane.

The oral groove and the anal pore are the only routes through which microorganisms may enter and exit the mosh pit. However, some will attempt to infect the mosh pit through other means. Often these microorganisms will attack the mosh pit from above and surf atop the sea of cysts until they’re absorbed via osmosis or ejected by the force of rod-like tentacles that shoot into the air either as a defense mechanism or in response to the steady sound waves and throbbing rhythms.

The species of microorganisms that thrive in the mosh pit include Metalheadus middle-agedus, Punkus anarchous, Groupi skankifus, Kidus screamocus and Stonerus aggrovus. Occasionally Metalheadus middle-agedus will accompany Kidus screamocus that shares its genetic material or the genetic material of the microorganism with which Metalheadus would like to conjugate.

Sometimes imposter species, such as Boyus fraticus and Chickus sororitus, will mimic the other microorganisms within the mosh pit’s vicinity. These cancerous creatures form a hermaphroditic tumor that attaches itself to the mosh pit membrane and burrows its way into the cytoplasm, which instantly rejects the tumor and spits it back out into the abyss, where the tumor’s male and female components publicly exchange genetic material to the dismay and disgust of the other microorganisms.

The mosh pit’s life cycle lasts as long as the aforementioned conditions persist, within a span of four hours. When the cell-splitting noise stops and bright white lights flood the space, the mosh pit disintegrates into hundreds or even thousands of microorganisms, who reluctantly return to their primary habitats in the outer boroughs or surrounding suburbs, where they lie dormant until the next $5 cover night.