This article summary written by: Tanya Glaser, Conflict Research Consortium.

The authors discuss the importance and power of self-revelation in communication.

Use of I-Statements

I-statements can be contrasted to you-statements. Consider the difference between
saying, "I feel as if I'm not being understood," and "You aren't really
listening to me." The authors describe I-statements as statements that "disclose
our experience without attacking others, invalidating their feelings, or criticizing them
for not meeting our needs or conforming to our point of view."[p. 206]

You-statements tend to be perceived as intrusive, blaming, or attacking. They are
manipulative or coercive, in that they seek to change the other person's behavior. Such
statements often provoke a defensive reaction, which typically takes the form of either a
hostile counter-attack, or withdrawal from the conversation. Hostile retorts tend to
escalate the destructive communication cycle, and promote mistrust. Withdrawing tends to
suppress needs and feelings, which can then erupt with greater force in later
communication.

I-statements on the other hand can halt this defensive and hostile escalation process.
Expressing one's own feelings and needs tends to evoke trust and sensitivity on the part
of the other. Such self-expression is non- manipulative. This then creates the space for
the parties to explore the "unacknowledged feelings, meanings and unmet needs that
are at the source of the difficulties."[p. 207] Thus, self-expression, by providing
an opportunity for better understanding, is also empowering. The authors acknowledge that
"a basic assumption behind self-revealing expressiveness is that if people see who we
really are, how we really feel, and what we really need, they will tend to respond to us
in an accommodating manner."[p. 208]

The Power of Vulnerability

Such self-revelation does entail vulnerability. However the authors argue that
vulnerability can be powerful, in at least two ways. First, they observe that
"responding from a confident center within our vulnerable inner world reflects a
special kind of inner strength."[p. 209] Conversely, being forceful and aggressive
often masks deeper insecurities. Second, self-expression leads to more effective
communication and understanding, which in turn fosters greater trust and intimacy. It can
cause the other party to change their behavior by their own choice, whereas a more
coercive approach would simply provoke defensiveness and distancing.

Finally, self-revealing communication has transformative potential. In the larger
picture, the authors point out that "personal growth is largely a function of our
capacity to be with these feelings [of fear, sadness, anger, hurt, shame, isolation and
desire] in an accepting, sensitive manner."[p. 210] When we practice self-revealing
expressiveness we are developing just such a capacity in ourselves, and are encouraging it
in our partner also.