Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

Members of the Montana GOP outline their strategy during a recent weeklong retreat in Mordor. Illustration by Pat Hessman, MSU Exponent

The Dark Lord Sauron’s index finger was conspicuously bare as he stabbed at a Billings Gazette article about Gov. Steve Bullock’s plan to fight dark money in Montana politics.

“What do we need to do to better spread our cold grip across the state?” he bellowed as the savage roar of Republican legislators rose all around him. His thunderous words were well-received, with those in attendance firing assault rifles into the air, beating their foreheads with Bibles and knocking back shot after shot of Roughstock Montana Whiskey.

Speaking from behind the Black Gate, the Dark Lord led Republican legislators during their annual strategy retreat in Mordor. Throughout the weeklong event, Republicans from across the state looked at ways to move their party forward into the 19th century, from resisting any federal attempts to enforce gun control to fighting for lower taxes. Read More…

Note: These satirical news briefs originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

Financial Aid employee friendly, too friendly

According to witnesses in the student union building, last week a Financial Aid employee was acting “friendly … too friendly.” One jaded sophomore spoke to the Exponent on condition of anonymity, citing fears that Financial Aid would insert “even more” errors into her fall 2013 statement if they learned her identity.

According to the source, she still has no idea what the hell was behind the crocodile smile of the employee who helped her. “It just gave me the heebie-jeebies,” she said.

She left crestfallen after learning that the employee could do nothing to help her unless she returned five separate forms, written in iambic pentameter and relayed to the office in both song and written form.

“And then that son of a bitch smiled at me and asked if there was anything else he could help me with,” the unidentified sophomore said. “Yeah, finally he told me to ‘have a good day,’ so I told him to fuck off.”

Hope in engineering students’ eyes just too much for professor to bear

After spending the week meeting individually with each member of his graduating civil engineering senior design class, Prof. Sven Kjell just couldn’t take it anymore. “The glimmer of hope in their eyes was just too much for me to bear,” Kjell said. Read More…

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

The Coffee-ponent

Turns out, coffee is way better than beer. I was trying to tell Brent this last week, but he was being a complete ass clown and wouldn’t hear me out. I was being super nice, really, and then he started shouting and threw beer in my face. So much for friends. Anyway, I’m sure the readers will see it my way, so I’m going to shell out the facts.

Unlike beer, coffee has rich cultural value. From the proud farmer to the discerning roaster, there is an inexorable love of the drink that runs through every moment of each bean’s existence. Beer’s only culture is moldy yeast. Brent tried to feed me this crap-beer he brewed in his closet — this was before he threw it all over my nicest shirt — which was probably brewed with his toenail clippings and spit. I’m surprised a hillbilly who drinks that swill can even write. Read More…

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

An extremist faction within the Montana GOP has formally declared an actual “War on Women.” Led by Rep. Krayton Kerns, R-Laurel, the paramilitary group launched a failed coup d’état against MSU President Waded Cruzado this Monday, March 4, underscoring the tension that has torn Montana families apart and pitted brother against sister.

Cruzado successfully staved off the coup from her perch in Montana Hall, where she runs the university with a panel of buttons and levers. The all-male group of legislators was repelled by Cruzado’s secret all-woman police force, headed by outgoing ASMSU President Kiah Abbey.

According to reports, the secret police — comprised of VOICE Center volunteers and performers from last week’s Vagina Monologues — repelled the attackers by launching copies of “The Feminine Mystique” and flaming bras from a trebuchet mounted on Montana Hall’s central turret. Read More…

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

The Engineering Plastics plot their next lunch room brawl at the Union Market. From left to right, Drs. Otto Stein, Joel Cahoon, Dan VanLuchene, and Dan Miller. Illustration by Pat Hessman, MSU Exponent

In a shot heard ‘round Cobleigh Hall, a mostly peaceful coup d’état has toppled a tight-knit social group of three civil engineering professors known colloquially as the “Engineering Plastics.”

Dr. Dan VanLuchene, a structures professor, orchestrated the apparently successful coup, according to sources within the College of Engineering Dean’s Office.

The three toppled professors were Drs. Joel Cahoon, Otto Stein and Dan Miller. According to sources, the three professors had overseen a reign of terror since Miller was hired in fall 2008 and regularly ate lunch together in the Union Market. Read More…

By Brent Zundel and Bizz Browning
For the MSU Exponent
December 6, 2012

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

Last month, MSU student Joe Thiel, a senior in chemical engineering and liberal studies, and Billings native Amanda Frickle, a College of Idaho graduate and current MSU ResLife employee, were named Rhodes Scholars. One of the most prestigious scholarships awarded, the Rhodes offers both of them the chance to study at the University of Oxford next year.

The Exponent caught up with Bizz Browning, Joe’s wife, and Brent Zundel, Amanda’s boyfriend, to see how they were dealing with their newfound fame. Read More…

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

Last month, MSU’s student senate approved a new activity fee that will fund massages for the entire football team — even the kicker. The Board of Regents approved the increase last week, and the football team made a hiring decision early this week. The fee goes into effect next semester, adding an additional $18.60 each year for every student. Read More…

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