Monday, August 21, 2006

Blowin’ out the Candles

The other day I turned 25. The problem with this blog is that I don't know where to go from here because there is so much to say at once. I have to divide it up into two blogs.

Since my move to Charlotte I think I have been missing the community I had in college. I crave community. I was talking to my best friend the other day and he knows and understands my hurt. I have been living here two years now and do not have anyone I could call a close confidant or friend. I have friends (and for my Charlotte friends, know I love you deeply) but I doubt if polled any of them could say that they truly know me intimately like my college brothers did in half the time. Perhaps part of that is a failing on my part. Perhaps I haven't pressed people as much as I should have to get to know them or perhaps because I am working on counseling, every time I have tried to get to know someone they feel like they are getting psychoanalyzed (trust me, I much too lazy for that) and distance themselves. But ask my friends, I am an open book. Ask and I share.

This lack of community became apparent as I celebrated my 25th birthday in a Caribou, by myself, with a school book and then went home and sat on my porch for reflection as I stared at the woods behind my apartment. I am not a big flash and dance guy and long ago gave up on the importance of my birthday passing my 16th, 18th, and 21st with little more than a check from Grandma to remind me. It became so unimportant that I actually did forget my birthday one year until my mom reminded me that night. It has become just another typical day. The past two years I have gone to work, come home, done some things around the apartment or read and then went to bed. I want to stop my harping for a minute and thank everyone who sent me a myspace or facebook message and hope that I individually thanked each one of you. I think my biggest issue is that when I already feel like I am missing out on community and craving it, the depths of my despair becomes amplified by the silent phone and the stillness of the woods as I was reflecting. That is in addition to my quarter-life crisis (see Quarter-Life Crisis blog). I think sometimes it is nice to feel celebrated and because I try not to be a selfish person, my birthday is the only day I would even see it as appropriate for me.

I hope after reading this you (as the reader) are not feeling like I am angry or that you should feel pity. That is not what I am trying to evoke. Sure it saddens me. But I am not angry. I suppose more than anything, I want to be bare before you and let know a little bit more of me. And here is the beautiful part, the redeeming factor in this blog. As alone as I felt last week, I was not alone at all. Jesus Christ loves me. And I do not say that passively or go through some sort of verbal yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean I really know that He loves me and though life may not turn out as I would wish it too, He has spared me from so much additional hurt and sorrow and has filled my life abundantly. He puts people in just the right spot at just the right time. My joy rests in Him even when I feel down or unimportant. I hope that if He is not at your center that you will make Him so. Live for and crave this joy in Him. If you are unsure of how, please talk with me or a group of committed believers who will love you while they talk to you.

1 comment:

Editors Note: My father would like it noted that he and my mother and my brother do call every birthday. I thought it was a given but he would like the world to know that my family is not a bunch of goobers. Noted dad.

Journey Deeper

Welcome

The content of this blog is to be wildly varying as I still have not settled on a firm direction. Due to the advent of Twitter, I can get some of my daily thoughts out. However, because of character limits I can not expound on some of my ideas.

So I welcome you to some of my inner thoughts. Here you will find my thoughts on God, life, self and other random diatribes.

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Soon to be Overused

This will be regularly be updated with a word that is on my mind and will inevitably be overused in a short amount of time in my blogs, emails, or speech.March 30, 2009

Acumen - keenness and depth of perception, discernment, or discrimination especially in practical mattersI have been realizing recently that some people do not adequately observe or hone in on the same details I do. This has left me frustrated by the lack of perception or choices others have made. Thus, I have been relegated to suffer the mistakes of their poor acumen.