Local

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check.

ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take.

SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat.

BENTONVILLE, AR—Telling reporters they were having difficulty keeping track of all the new pastimes he was pursuing, friends of local man Mark Chapineau stated Tuesday that the recent divorcé was burning through hobbies at an unsustainable rate.

WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday.

NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.

SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy.

PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever.

DES PLAINES, IL—Assuring him that she’d be at his side in a jiffy, local nurse Wendy Kaufman reminded an elderly resident at the Briarwood Assisted Living Community that she was just down the hall if he started to die, sources reported Tuesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Emphasizing that such an impressive feat should not be taken for granted, local man Nathan Montgomery told reporters Wednesday he was incredibly grateful to live in a society where a mattress just disappears if it’s left outside on the sidewalk for a couple days.

NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying they were proud to showcase the work done by their writers, executives at the New Haven Register told reporters Thursday they sometimes like to set aside a little ad space to promote the newspaper’s own articles.

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices.

CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time.

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill.

BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks.

The five-page, handwritten letter, whose author is unknown, was addressed to "My one and only" and signed "Douglas."

"Whoever this Douglas guy is, he is one seriously whipped mofo," Meijer said. "I mean, what self-respecting guy would write, 'My heart pines for your luxurious auburn hair'? Even harder to explain, what kind of guy would write something that unbelievably embarrassing and not guard it with his life, for fear of it falling into the wrong hands?"

The discovery of the letter, described by Sweeney as an "incredible find," was purely accidental.

"We were walking to class when Trent noticed this piece of paper lying in the gutter. It was all wet and crumpled, and I was like, 'Dude, what are you doing?'" Sweeney said. "Next thing you know, he's laughing so hard, he's practically hyperventilating. He must have psychically known there was something very special on that paper when he reached down for it."

Though Meijer and Sweeney agree that the letter's heartfelt sincerity and purple prose are hilarious, they strongly disagree on which section is the funniest.

"The best part is where he blatantly rips off an old Journey song," Meijer said. "'Whatever you decide, always remember: I'm forever yours, faithfully.' You can almost hear the guitar solo come in after that."

"No way–the best part is where Douglas says, 'It was pure fate that brought us together,'" Sweeney countered. "Then, later, he mentions that they both worked at a Mrs. Fields cookie store in the mall. That's the fate that brought them together? How pathetic is that?"

Both, however, concur that one of the clear high points is a poem on page three titled "My Heart Leaps With Your Every Step." To emphasize the poem's unintentional humor, Meijer read the letter aloud to Sweeney in a high-pitched British accent accompanied by theatrical, sweeping arm movements.

"When Trent read the line, 'Your eyes are like a calm lake / on which my love canoe can silently glide,' I just fuckin' lost it," Sweeney said. "A couple hours later, we were sitting in chemistry lecture, and he just looked at me and said, 'love canoe.' Fortunately, we were way up near the back, because I couldn't stop laughing for about 10 minutes. That won't be the last time the love canoe gets referenced."

A portion of the letter.

Self-professed experts of found humor, Sweeney and Meijer called the love letter "the alpha and omega" of such finds.

"I have this hysterical 'Lost Ferret' flyer on my fridge that some hippie posted all over town when his precious pet ran away," Meijer said. "It says, 'Please call Zach at the Harvest International Co-op if found!!!" But this love letter has got that beat, hands-down. We should start a website to post all the stuff we've got like this."

The possibility that Douglas and his girlfriend have since broken up only increases the letter's humor value for Meijer and Sweeney.

"There's a lot of talk in it about how he knows things have been rough lately, so if they broke up, that just makes all those lines about how they're soulmates even funnier," Meijer said. "Lines like, 'You're the only true thing in this world that I know' would be funnier by a factor of 10, maybe 12."

"You know what would really be hilarious–if they broke up, and it was because the girl never got this letter," Sweeney said. "If only she'd gotten this note, their 'love that burns so true' might have not have been extinguished."