Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I am sitting in the computer chair waiting for Liam to come back. We have been playing a game together while Austin sleeps and Josh is at basketball. We took a break so Liam could get his jammies on.

It is taking a bit longer than normal for him to get his jammies on. I call back to him and can't hear his response. I am assuming it has to do with him needing just a minute to finish.

I am not entirely present because I am not feeling well. My body aches, throat hurts, head hurts and is fuzzy and I just want to curl up under a warm blanket to sleep. But my oldest has desired to snuggle and play with me. He knows I am not feeling well, so he doesn't ask for anything to challenging.

I call back to him again because he still has not come back to play the game.

"Mom, the dryer is done, so I'm trying to take the dry stuff out and put the wet stuff in and put the dirty stuff in."

My heart melts. All feelings of sickness have gone.

He knows I have been doing laundry today and he wanted to help. He was wanting to switch the loads of laundry for me. We do it together.

Then I pull him onto my lap (despite the aching legs) and finish our game.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I start to feel the itch. I am struggling with whether to push it away or just go with it.

Last week was a crazy week and to begin the week, AJ had gotten his immunizations. And every mom knows that the first day or so after the shots, your baby a lot of times just needs you. This is how Austin was. So I let the laundry, dishes and other household things slide. Plus there were errands outside of the house that needed to be tackled as well. But I pushed those off for awhile as well.

My baby needed me, so I just focused on him.

The week started to go by and I got some things done, but not nearly what I had wanted to get done.

The weekend went by and I knew I had the beginning of this week to catch up some.

But then Austin starts having horrible sleeping times at night. Which, of course, means that I have horrible times sleeping at night too. So I am exhausted and have no energy.

This is where I am at this week. The itch is that there are things that need to get done and I know need to get done. But I am tired, so I curl on the couch to nap with Austin after Liam heads off to school on the bus.

I have to keep reminding myself of the fact that it is not about the things that I do that makes me worthwhile and such, but who I am that makes that so. I don't become less worthwhile one week because I had to focus on my child(ren) and couldn't get some of the housework/errands done and more worthwhile the next week because I can get those things done. It doesn't work that way.

I need to be able to be a good wife, mom and woman. In order to do this, I do need to be rested.

Friday, November 18, 2011

I don't have a really good picture of my mother-in-law, otherwise, I would put it here. Why? Because today she has been gone for 1 year.

It was first thing in the morning when I got a phone call from my husband telling me that his mom had passed away early that morning. We had both known that she would probably not live a very long life, but we never expected for her to be taken at 51 years old.

One of the hardest things for me? I was 6 weeks pregnant and Candy never knew that she was going to have another grandchild. You see, we were waiting to tell everyone at Thanksgiving, which happened to be the very next Thursday.

I still to this day get choked up thinking about the fact that I never got to tell her about the pregnancy, talk with her about it, see the excitement on her face when we told her it was a boy, talk with her about how Josh was when he was a baby and see the love that we all knew she had for her children and grandchildren.

I didn't get to know her as well as I would have liked, but then I had only known her for 2 years before she died. Candy was not perfect, of course. She definitely had her flaws. However, now that I am on the other side of the fence, I would rather have her and her flaws than not have her at all.

I tell you all of this for two reasons.

1. Writing is often times how I deal with my grief. Everyone deals with things differently and this just happens to be one way that helps me deal with my pain.

2. There is never enough time to talk to, love on, share things/stories with and enjoy those that you love. So don't wait to do it tomorrow. Don't think you have enough time to get what you need or tell them you love them. Do it now. You never want to be left wondering.

Just remember, even though everyone is not perfect and they have their flaws, I am sure you would much rather have that person and their flaws then to never have them again. It may not have always been easy with my mother-in-law, but she loved her kids, grand kids and she loved me like I was her own daughter.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I haven't been able to try them yet because they literally just came out of the oven. But I did taste the batter and that was definitely good! :o)

I have been wanting to cook and bake more. So over the weekend, I got a few of my mom's and grandma's recipes. I had also said that I would like to attempt the pies for Thanksgiving this year. Mind you, I have NEVER made a pie before. Cakes, cupcakes, brownies, muffins and other things, yes. But never a pie! So I made one last weekend as a trial run - it was completely devoured! Yay! My husband even had two pieces :o)

So that sparked my confidence a bit to stretch out and try other things. The pumpkin muffins are the first. But I have a lasagna, pumpkin cheesecake and a few other recipes that I am anxious to try! I will let you know how they come!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I am sure everyone has heard that a lot of how we parent is by what we know, how we were parented and our experiences.

Well, I don't like one big thing about how I parent. Often times, when I get frustrated, stressed, tired, etc etc, I yell. I do not in any way, shape or form like yelling. I have really tried to not get frustrated as easily, which helps not yelling. But I still do it.

This stems from my dad. That's what he did when we were growing up - he yelled. And I am not saying he is wrong in how he parented us - he's a wonderful father and I couldn't ask for anyone better!

I am just not ok with yelling. I see what it does to my boy and it crushes him. There are times when I feel like it's the only way to get through to him, but there has to be another way.

Yesterday morning he and I had quite a morning. He was arguing with me, disrespecting me and not listening to me. All from 7 am until we left for the bus at 8! I did not yell, but I raised my voice. I really could have reacted differently to the whole situation.

So Josh got home from work and stayed with the littlest, so I could pick up Liam alone. We took a little bit and I apologized for the way I reacted. He very quickly apologized back for acting the way he did. He knew he was still going to have consequences for his actions, but he also knew that I loved him very much and that had not changed.

So I am trying to find the time to sit down with Liam to ask him to pray for me.

Pray that I stop yelling.

Pray that when I do, because I will I'm sure - I am human, that he will forgive me.

Pray that frustrations will roll off my back.

I know a lot of these things have happened because of Austin getting here. When you have little sleep and are exhausted, things seem larger and worse than they really are. So maybe this is the best time for Liam to be praying for and with me.

He prays every night when he goes to bed that he will listen and respect better, so why shouldn't I pray every night that I will stop yelling? And...I can get some help by having others pray that too.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

With my favorite season well underway, it was time for my guys and me to head to the pumpkin patch. Everything that we do as a family annually has even more meaning with the addition of AJ to our lives. We now have 2 boys, 2 kids, 2 loves and 2 lives that are precious to us and add so much joy!

Last year when we went to the pumpkin patch, we went on a hayride out to the field and got to pick our own pumpkins. We really enjoyed that - so did Liam! We weren't sure how well that would work out this year.

The weekend we chose to go couldn't have been better, we had out Indian Summer - so amazing weather! We all got out of the car and I grabbed the camera. Before we did anything, we saw a tractor and trailer getting loaded for the hayride out to the field. We thought we would give it a try, so we all climbed aboard. Austin was snuggled in Daddy's arms and Liam was next to me just chattering away.

When the tractor stopped, we wandered and found the perfect pumpkins - one for Liam and one for Austin. We loaded them onto the trailer and waited for all the others to finish.

We paid for our orange decorations and headed off to have some fun. They have mazes, big wooden trucks and trains and a "haunted bus" to play in.

The boys are in the back of the car as we are running errands. Liam has fall break, so I get to enjoy my oldest all day! I have missed all the helpful things he does when we run errands; unlock and open the car doors, start the car and many other things. I have also missed the random conversations we have.

Like today!

In between stores, AJ is sleeping during the car ride while Liam and I are listening to music.

"Excuse me!" comes from the backseat.

"I guess!" I say in response - it's a family joke/response :o)

"Don't worry, mom, it doesn't smell."

I have to process this for a second to get that he had just passed gas and was telling me it didn't have an odor. I start laughing.

"When I farted, the button on my pants popped open!"

That's when I lost it and burst out laughing. Liam begins to laugh as well. (I am also giggling as I rewrite this conversation!)

This is where I realize how much I miss these times. And the silly conversations that come with! :o)

Tears of exhaustion and frustration are welling up in my eyes and spilling onto my cheeks. My mind is racing with all the what ifs and hows.

My youngest is refusing to sleep for any length of time tonight that would be considered a restful amount. It has been almost 3 hours since I started out bedtime. I finally got him to sleep after quite a battle. I moved him to his bed - no problem. My head hit the pillow and he is awake screaming.

Back in his swing he goes. I am too tired and sore to hold my 20 lb almost 4 month old. He protests and cries, but falls asleep.

But I can't.

All I think about is how I know he needs to not have a nap after 7 pm so he goes to bed easier. But how do you do that when he has been awake since 6 pm and just cries because he's tired. And if he takes a nap he is only out for 30 minutes but that means he is up for another 2-3 hours. I think about how to make a schedule for him. But if I make a schedule, what if he's still too young.

Was it like this with Liam? Am I being too lax on getting more of a routine?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I can feel my heart pounding, my pulse pick up and my head explode with ideas. My breath seems to catch in my chest and I can't get anything else in my head except for my writing.

I have started to write the novel I have been thinking about writing for about a year now. I have done a little research and talking over the last year, but hadn't ventured to start writing yet. Well, I did it! I have been using my blogging as a way to keep up my writing until I had the ability to start my writing again.

Last week, I opened up the file on my computer and started writing. Words, ideas and thoughts just kept flowing and coming. I am writing this with my husband, so I wrote a lot of questions down to ask him. He came up with the idea for the book - actually, his subconscious did :) He dreamed the book and now, I am writing it. We have been doing a lot of talking!

My pulse starts racing and I feel like I can't breath enough every time I even just think about it. Which, since that is what I am doing now, is what I am deal with now. My hands are writing this, but my head, oh it is totally on the other story trying to write more there!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

We sit in the car with it running as it is a little chilly outside to have AJ out waiting for his big brother to get on the bus. Music is playing softly in the background and Liam is talking to his little brother. Liam is trying to get his morning smiles from AJ that he hasn't gotten yet. I hear a little giggle and then Liam laughs too.

"I spy something.....green!" comes from behind me.

"The grass?"

"Yep, one more, mom! It's higher."

"The leaves?"

"Good job, mom! Your turn."

I look around the scenery in front of me to find something with color. EVERYTHING has color right now :o) I notice all the trees that are turning their gorgeous colors of orange, yellow and red. The grass being covered with all those leaves. And I can just make out the crunching of those same leaves from the other kids coming to the bus stop.

"I spy something....blue!" I tell my oldest boy.

"Um...the sky?"

"Yep, that's one!"

"Audrie's house?"

"Well, yes, Audrie's house is blue, but we can't see her house right now."

"The other house right in front of us?"

"Good eyes, buddy!"

The bus pulls up, I get a hug and a kiss. As he walks away I hear:

"I love you to God and back!"

See, we both realized that saying I love you to the moon and back was just not enough. So Liam started saying I love you to God and back because that is just so much more! My heart melts as I watch him climb onto the bus and head to school. My how he is growing up....

Monday, October 10, 2011

These are the amazing tickets that we were given, yes, given over the weekend. As many of you know, my husband has been a Notre Dame fan for his whole life! I never really paid attention to college football until he and I started dating. Then he got me into Notre Dame :) And our oldest soon followed! I was called by a friend Friday afternoon to find out if we wanted some Notre Dame football tickets. I called Josh and his immediate reaction was "heck yeah!".

So we got the tickets for free and we decided that even though I would LOVE to go with him, it would be best for him to take Liam with. That way they could have some boy bonding time and have fun at a football game. See, the best part of this is that neither Josh or Liam had ever been to a Notre Dame game. Josh has waited 32 years to go to a game and was finally able to go. Liam thought it was pretty neat that they were going to be able to both go to their first game together :o) Of course, I had to get a picture of my guys before they headed off to the game.

So decked out in their Notre Dame shirts, jerseys and hats, they headed off to the game with tickets and camera in tow! We packed a backpack for Liam with things to do during the drive there and back as well as some snacks during the time they were there. They left with plenty of time so they could wander around the campus and explore. They were able to go to the one place that I have wanted to go - the Notre Dame library! It is a HUGE building with TONS of books! Oh, heaven!

When the team was coming onto campus, everyone gathered by the area that they were going to go by. There were ropes to keep everyone back and Liam was lucky enough to be right next to the ropes and see all the coaches and players go by. Josh said he was rather intimidated by the players and was unsure about giving them high fives :o)

They hung out in a grassy area under some trees for awhile, eating hot dogs, playing football with another father and son and just playing around with each other. When it was time, they walked into the stadium to find their seats and wait for everything to start.

After the warm ups and the marching band came out, the game began!

Liam was getting high fives from everyone around their seats during the game and he was loving it! My guys got one last picture before they left and I love it! They were having so much fun! Josh said Liam looked at him and said, "Thank you for bringing me, daddy! This was 100% awesome!". For the rest of the day, he was thanking both of us for bringing him or letting him go! He did amazing. They only stayed for the first half, but at half time, Notre Dame was winning 42-16. The end score was 59-33! What a fun experience for them to be able to take part in!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The back story as to why I am childless? Well it has been building for awhile now and everything just got to be a lot for me. I have not been able to get out of the house alone for more than about a half an hour in 12 1/2 weeks.

With all the sleepless or interrupted sleep nights, crabby six year old, sicknesses, stress and so on, I have been slowly building to the point of losing it. Well, Monday night, I lost it.

Josh got home from work and took care of AJ while Liam and I got out of the house to an appointment we had. It was a relief to get out of the house even for that small amount of time because Austin had not wanted me to put him down at all that day, so I got nothing around the house done. The appointment took longer than expected and AJ wouldn't take a bottle from Josh so we hurried home to a very unhappy baby! As we nursed, Josh quickly made dinner.

After he ate, he left for basketball at church. About five minutes after he left, Austin projectile vomited all over me, himself and the floor. Liam decided at that moment that he was going to be very uncooperative. As I cleaned myself and the baby up, tears were streaming down my cheeks. I called my husband while I cleaned the floor and I lost it.

We decided I needed to get out alone. Josh told me to tell him what I wanted to do and he would make it happen :) See, this is why my husband is amazing. He understood my needs and encouraged me to get out of the house.

So this is why I sit at the bookstore, alone. Relishing in all the wonderful books, enjoying the peace, the ability to do whatever, not having to worry about a schedule, little ones not being happy or little fingers wanting to touch everything. I don't have to hurry through the ailes just glancing at a few books - I can actually pick a lot up and read the back or take it to a chair and read some of it. It's amazing -

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A runny/stuffy nose is never fun to have to deal with. The inability to breathe well and if you get the chance to breathe, it's not for very long. The headache you get from constantly having to blow your nose or sniffing. The pressure you feel in your head from the never ending gathering of mucus. The fever and/or chills that might accompany all of these things. Add on top of that, the only thing you REALLY need to feel better is sleep, but you can't get it because you can't breathe, get comfortable or stop the pounding in your head.

Tears start to stream down your cheeks because you are just exhausted and not feeling well. You just want comfort!

Well this is my little Austin right now. I don't know if he is experiencing every single one of these symptoms, but I do know what it's like to have a cold. I know he has a lot of these and it is just not fun! I want to take the nastiness that is inside his precious little body and put it in mine. He seems so miserable and all he wants is mama to hold him.

I sit at the kitchen table writing. Writing because all is quiet in my house except for the whirring of fans in the bedrooms, the rocking of the swing, which cradles my yawning child, and the noise of my neverending throughts. Writing because my hand itched for a pen to hold. Writing because ... just because.

I should be laying down, but my little one refuses to sleep in the pack n play. He is getting too big for the bassinet and still hasn't gotten use to his crib, so I am awake with my thoughts as he nods off in the swing.

So I write.

Often enough I try to shut my thoughts off because so many come at one time or they just lead to another thought before I really even get the chance to process that first thought. Then I wonder if that's just how I'm made. Writing does wonders for keeping my thoughts in line. Plus, if I think of something along the way, I can jot it down on another page and come back to it.

My thoughts so far have included:

~ What am I doing with my writing?
~ What does God want me to do with my writing?
~ Wonder what Liam will be when he grows up.
- don't go there with Austin yet, he's still my baby.
~ I am proud of Josh for a life changing decision he made.
~ When will Austin sleep through the night?
~ My neighbors sure are loud.
~ It's rather amazing wher I am in life now compared to 8-10 years ago.
~ I wonder if there is something I can do with my past that would help and be a ministry to others.

As I take a drink of water, I ponder over all of these thoughts and many more I have not written down. And so, I write. Write because it helps to get it all out. Write because I love to. Write because ...
just because.

Monday, October 3, 2011

We have it so good, you know. The past few days we have really been trying to get Liam to understand the concept of wasting. A few of the things we are trying to get him to see are:

~ if you leave a light on and aren't in the room, that is wasting energy, which costs money.

~ if you get something to eat, take a few bites then throw the rest away, that is wasting food, which costs money.

Those are just two, but they are the most prominent right now. He has gotten better with the lights, but the food is still a concept that is a little far away sometimes. We sat at the dinner table one day in the last few days and talked with him about how good we have it. We have everything we need - there may be some things we want, but we are taken care of.

We sat and told him that we have a roof over our head, clothes, shoes, plenty of food to eat, a great school to go to and a wonderful church to learn more about God at. We had to explain that there are lots of people who don't have all or any of those things. Josh and I sponsor a little girl, Maggie, from Africa through Kids Alive. We used her as a tool to get him to see how much we have and what we should be thankful for.

Then over the weekend, my brother and sister-in-law had a couple from Africa over because they are part of a ministry over there. Pete and Nat are looking into joining this group. So as we were getting to know Ben and Carole, little bits of what their lives were like came out. Liam was not there for the whole thing, but was able to experience a little of what they have and don't have. Ben has never been over to the states before and we had ordered pizza for dinner on Friday night - this was the first time he had ever had pizza. For us, it is a normal thing to have pizza and very easy to get if we have the money.

Anyway, as we were trying to get Liam to understand the idea of wasting, it still got to me just how much we have and should be thankful for. There are so many people out there who struggle daily financially. I need to be thankful for all the little things that we have and I should not take for granted anything because it can all be taken away. I am truly blessed to have an amazing husband, two great little boys, a place to live, food in the cabinets, clothes to wear, a vehicle to get around in, the ability to be a stay at home mom and so much more. God always provides! And we should be thankful and not wasteful!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Oh sleep! Where have you gone? I use to know what sleep was all about, but now it has gone away. I can't remember what good, solid, comfortable, uninterrupted sleep is like. I know eventually it will come back and I will know it once again, but I am tired. Oh the things you give up and sacrifice when you become parents!

You see, we are trying to transition Austin from bassinet to crib. He wasn't doing the greatest with that and we don't want to cause him to wake up his older brother when Liam has school. So we decided to put the pack n play up in our room and do that. Well Austin is NOT having that at all. He will be sound asleep and then as soon as I lay him down, WIDE awake!

So I pick him up.

He falls back to sleep.

I lay him down again.

He wakes up again.

Which leaves mommy...no sleep!

Yes, I might be complaining or whining and I'm sorry if it sounds like I it. I love my sons and wouldn't change anything, ever, nor would I give them up for sleep. I'm just tired!

Monday, September 26, 2011

For a few weeks our pastor at church has been doing a series he calls Home Improvement. This past Sunday, the 18th, he focused on wives and mothers - using the title "June Cleaver isn't real". He wanted to make his point that she is a fictional character in a television program. Yes, it seems nice that she is in a dress and pearls with the house spotless, dinner on the table, dessert in the oven and with a smile on her face, but that is just not realistic all the time.

His sermon has really gotten to me. I haven't been able to get it out of my head and have felt the need to write about it. I have never been a June Cleaver. I have always been one who would rather spend time with my husband, kids, family or friends then be doing things around the house. When I got pregnant with Austin, I started to really feel the needs of my family and home. I was making lists of things that needed to get done and really taking on more of the duties of the home - or at least trying. However, ever since Austin has gotten here, the amount that I can get done in a day has gotten smaller. I started to worry and compare myself to others. My husband never made me feel this way, in fact, he was very supportive and understanding of the new situation. It was all me and my doing as to why I was feeling this way. I really needed to hear this sermon. I am not sure that before I heard it that I knew I needed to hear it, but I did. Why? Because I am not June Cleaver, I am only myself. And I cannot and should not compare myself to other wives and mothers. Isn't that just setting myself up for failure? The reason I am not June Cleaver and neither is anyone else, is because no one is perfect. Therefore, we can't do everything perfectly. Instead, Pastor Bob said we should set and live by priorities - Biblically Based Priorities.

These priorities that Pastor Bob talked about were from Proverbs 31:10-31.

The first priority that he talked about, which happens to be the most important, is to have a vibrant relationship with God. Verse 30 says "Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last, but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." In a world where fashion, beauty and looks are what many people measure themselves and others by, as a Christian woman, wife and mother, our priority should be to our relationship with God. Not what clothes we have, how beautiful we look and how we can attain more of these things. We should not be focused on charm and attractiveness. That is not to say we can't being charming or attractive, but just be aware that it should not be WHO we are. Pastor Bob gave some things we can do to help deepen our relationship with God:

~ Ask God for the strength we need for the day ahead and for His blessing for the course of the day.
~ In the simple things - ask Him for safety as we run errands and for wisdom in the things we do and the purchases we make.
~ Thank God for our families as you see the mounds of laundry that need to be done.

By doing all of these things, we can be setting examples for our children.

The second priority is to have a joyful ministry to family. First we are to focus on the relationship with Christ. Then the second priority is our family. However, in the family, the husband comes first, followed by the children. Even though sometimes this can be hard, our husbands should come before our children. Pastor Bob said that a wife adds dimensions to a man he would not have by himself. He also stated that if your relationship with Christ is what it should be then a God fearing wife and mother is family oriented. There are many verses through the passage that we covered that help show this. Verses 14 and 15 show that she keeps them fed. Verses 13, 19, 21 and 22 show that she keeps them clothed. Verse 11 shows that her husband has full confidence in her and that she can take care of the home and the children because she is God fearing.

The third priority is growth is Godly character - we should wholeheartedly be seeking this! This kind of goes back to the beauty and external parts of the first priority. For in a world that shouts a woman's character is all about her outside adornment and external things, it is important for us to be looking to the inside and focusing on what is going on there. 1 Peter 3:3-4 talks about what true beauty is. It says that it does not come from the external things, but from the internal. There is a list of what things to be looking for in our Godly character - the fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). As we are trying to live by this priority, we should be praying for these characters to be flourishing within and to be nurtured. A Godly wife and mother should be more concerned about BEING than DOING - what she IS than how she PERFORMS.

The last priority is an overall balance in life. We should desperately trying to work at living a balanced life. If all we do is continually say yes to things and we do not have the confidence to say no, then we are only causing harm to other priorities that we are to live by. If you have things in line and are not trying to do everything alone, then you will have the ability to know what responsibilities and/or activities can or cannot fit in places. If it doesn't work with our schedule, we have to say no. It is very much impossible to do all of this alone, but oh so possible to do when the priorities are in line because your balance will tell us what to say yes to and what to decline. It is VERY ok to say no! There are some verses in this passage that tells us what a Godly wife and mother is involved in - Verse 20 - she opens her arms to the needy; Verse 24 - she is gracious and giving; Verse 25 - she laughs and does not fear the future; and Verse 26 - she invests and instructs others. Have confidence in what you do, but know that the health of your family and priorities can help you to know what is too much.

Pastor Bob ended his sermon with telling us to pray for the wives and mothers that we know in order to help them in their priorities. To live by God's principles and not by societies. It is very tiring to live by what the world deems is a "good" wife and mother and what that all entails. However, if we choose to live by what God deems is a good wife and mother, we are not doing it alone.

Monday, September 19, 2011

"Passion: a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music."

This is just one of the definitions for the word passion - it actually is number six out of twelve. I had originally intended to write about this, but I got a little sidetracked when I got to the bottom of the list of definitions. I will get back to my original topic because it goes along with it; however, the definition that caught my attention was this:

"Passion: 11. (often cap) Theol.
a. the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper.
b. the narrative of Christ's sufferings as recorded in the Gospels."

The first thing that struck me was the fact that something about Christ was mentioned at all. In a world where "Under God" and "In God We Trust" are becoming too religious for this country, it shocked me to see the mentioning of Christ in a dictionary especially under "passion". The second thing that drew my attention was that the word His in reference to Christ was actually capitalized. I was always raised that when you are writing about Christ or God you always capitalize the pronouns. As I have gotten older and newer versions of books and bibles have come out, I see this less and less. To me, this is just my opinion, capitalizing those words are a sign of respect. I think when I read that definition, my mouth dropped open.

Everyone has a passion for something, whether it be writing, crafts, bullriding, reading, teaching, helping etc. And those specific passions have been given by God to each one of us. Mine happens to be writing and my husband's is bullriding. This passion of mine has been calling to be and causing me to itch a lot in the last week or so. Itch to have paper in front of me and a pen in my hand, which is partially why I have a few entries written up in the last week. I have actually been blogging a little less (or more, depending on how you think about it) traditionally. Since my littlest got his shots and this past week has been busy, I haven't really been able to get on the computer to write like I want. So, I write with pen and paper and then type it up after I am done.

All of this talk and thinking about my passion has gotten me to think about a question Josh asked me a few years ago when we were getting to know each other. He asked, "if I were to get seriously injured while bullriding and want to go back after I was healed, would you be ok with that and be able to support me?" In response I said, "my initial reaction would be no, I wouldn't be ok. However, that would be purely out of being scared and caring about you. After thinking about it and not speaking from being afraid, I would have to understand and support you because bullriding is your passion. My passion is not nearly as life threatening as yours, but I can't imagine someone telling me I couldn't read or write again."

That is, in a way, what I have been struggling with for the last week. I have had the urge to write and not feeling like I could, but instead of just dealing with it or waiting for a time when I could write like I so often do, I found another way to do it. And I got back to my passion! :)

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I don't think I know anyone who likes to get shots, but having to watch a baby get shots is horrid. Then add to it that the baby is YOUR baby and it's just heartbreaking! I went through shots with Liam, but for some reason my brain must have blocked a lot of it out.

AJ had his 2 month shots Monday the 12th. We got to the health department and chatted with two other moms who had had their babies the same weekend AJ was born. One baby went in for their shots and AJ fell asleep. That baby came out screaming. The second baby went in and then we were called back. I took Austin out of his carseat and put him on the doctor's table/bed.

My little guy cried the whole time until I picked him up. Then he was fine :o) The main reason he was crying was because he didn't wake himself up - I did. He hates having someone or something wake him up! By the time we got to the car, he was passed out again.

When we got home I was going to nurse him and then start tackling my list of things to do: laundry (wash, dry, fold and put away), dishes, other cleaning, plus some things organized in closets and the boys room and I wanted to do some much needed and desired writing!

My plans were quickly changed and adjusted because my baby needed me! He desperately just wanted to be held by his mama. Every time I would try to put him down, even if he was sound asleep, he would wake up screaming! All he did was eat and fall back to sleep. Daddy came home with such a sad look on his face because he knew his little boy wasn't feeling well. He didn't like it any more than I did.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Our baby turned two months old last Friday, the 9th - two months! How is it that much time has gone by already? It seems like just yesterday that I was still pregnant. Still pregnant and wondering. Wondering when he was going to come, when we would be able to see his precious face, who he would look like how big he was going to be and so much more.

Now, he is here! Smiling, laughing, cooing and growing up so fast. There are still many times when Austin is laying on my chest and I turn to Josh and say "I can't believe he is ours!" or "We have a baby!". Josh will look at me, smile, shake his head and say something in affirmation.

It still amazes me, God's plan and design! How he can form these little people inside of their mother's womb. They go from a fertilized egg all the way to a baby! It takes my breath away to think about all the in between stages and the intricate details of a human that have to be pieced together. It is truly amazing! We are so blessed to have a Father who loves us so much that he would take his time in the way he makes us. He doesn't just throw us together and make it all easy - he makes each part of us with such a design and idea that it could be called intricate, complicated or thoughtful. He thought of everything when he made his beloved.

This is how my boys were made! With such love, time, caring and knowledge. I have to remember that these boys, no matter how much I love them, are not mine. The are God's boys! He has just given me the wonderful opportunity and blessing to be their mother. Ultimately though, they belong to Him! I'm sure as a Father well before I ever became a mother, he loves and takes delight in watching them grow, develop and learn, just as I do!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

It's amazing the twists and turns that life has for you. This last week or so I have been thinking about growing, growing up, leaving and spreading wings. That's because this week has been full of the realization that all of this starts at a very young age. As my previous post stated, Liam started first grade last week. That first day, SO much happened to keep pegging me with the thought that he is really growing up. He started full day school, started riding the bus and on top of that, he lost is first tooth on his first day of first grade!

Then my littlest, who isn't really little anymore even though he is only 7 1/2 weeks old, graduated from 0-3 month clothing to 3-6 month clothing and started smiling more than usual! So this one has been growing! We have a doctors appointment for his 8 week check up on Friday morning and I am anxious to find out just how big he is now. I just can't imagine how much he is going to weigh or how long he is.

After those two things, I started to get out of my denial stage about two of my brothers. My baby brother just left Monday for Japan. He will be there for a year. Yes, I know he will be coming home, but he's grown, growing up, leaving and spreading his wings. I am not his mother, but he has been my baby brother and I have not imagined him as anything other than that - even though he has been in college for 4 years and experienced so much. He wasn't a grown up to me and here he is packing his things and leaving the states to go live in another country by himself.

On to the second brother, my oldest. Him, his wife and their 4 kiddos are in the process of packing, selling and preparing to leave for Africa for an indeterminate amount of time to witness to the people over there about God and his amazing love! I can't imagine another family that would be better to do that then them; however, this means again that they are growing, growing up, leaving and spreading wings! Even more than that, my niece and nephews are still growing and growing up. I am SO going to miss them and interacting with them. Things won't really change between my brother, sister-in-law and I because we can talk and interact in other adult ways. But these are kids and I don't want to lose the relationship with them that I have. I don't want to stop being Auntie K to them. I love all of my nieces and nephews!

Josh, Liam, Austin and I spent the whole weekend at my parents house in order to enjoy as much time with Jimbo (only I am allowed to call him that!) as we could before he left Monday morning for a year. The whole day on Sunday was spent jumping on the trampoline, running around the yard, throwing balls around, riding the lawn mower, playing on skateboards and other outside riding toys, playing old videos on computers, reminiscing about old times and just enjoying the family. Several times I took my camera out to get pictures of the kids with Uncle Jimmy. I was hoping to get some pretty neat shots, especially when people were on the trampoline - smiles are always on faces when an adult is jumping on the trampoline with the kids.

We prepared to leave because Liam had school the next morning and Austin was going to get hungry. I told Liam he needed to give Uncle Jimmy a hug because he wasn't going to see him for a very long time. As I gave my baby brother a hug, the realization of just how long he was going to be gone and how much I love him really hit me. I grabbed the Austin and the diaper bag and said I needed to leave before I started crying. My mom looked at me and said she thinks I already was....it's true...I was. I waved goodbye and headed out the door.

I got on my computer a day or so later and started to move the pictures from my camera to my external harddrive and saw a pretty neat photo that describes exactly what each one of the people mentioned in this blog is doing, will be doing or has done. Going through the process of growing so they can grow up to leave and spread their wings to fly.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Oh...I'm not ready! My little man started first grade today...and mommy isn't ready. He is TOTALLY ready! There are just so many factors in this event that have all come to my realization and I have decided I'm not ready. I know he needs to grow up and this is all part of it, but that means he's growing up...does that make sense?

And then these pictures... it seems like he is just all grown up - standing against the car with the keys in his hand! What is he going off to college already?! Oh dear!

One of the biggest things for me with his being in first grade is that he is riding the bus! Oh my...this is all too much for me. I have been on the verge of tears today because of how much is so new for him - and me. The bus is HUGE for me...I am not driving him to school every day, which I did for Kindergarten. I won't be walking him to his classroom and getting him ready for the day. All of this he will be responsible for and do on his own. I'm sure there will be days when he misses the bus, which he almost did today, but it's still the idea that I am no longer needed for that and he is taking responsibility for things himself.

The bus showed up early this morning, which made us rush out of the car to the bus. I didn't get a picture of him getting on the bus or even get a hug from him before he ran for the bus, said hi to the bus driver and hopped on. Oh how big he is getting! As a mom, I about lost it when I didn't get to take a picture or give him a hug. However, I had to remind myself that today I was going to meet him at the school so I could get pictures of him getting off the bus and in his classroom.

As the bus driver stopped the bus and I was standing on the sidewalk waiting...I heard the most wonderful voice say "Mom!" and a little hand peek out from the window on the bus and wave! Oh, it made my heart melt :o) You might be wondering where my littlest was during this whole time. I was wearing him actually. I grabbed my moby wrap and threw it on before we walked out the door. I snuggled him down in the fabric and he just layed his head against my chest and fell right to sleep!

After he got off the bus, we walked inside the school and went to his classroom, which happens to be the first room on the left! He has Mrs. Bryan, who was my first grade teacher 22 years ago. I am so happy he was able to have her! His classroom was all put together and organized for the first day of class. He easily found his desk and sat down to put all of his supplies in the brown paper bag. Mrs. Bryan was going to help all of the children put their supplies away in an organized manner instead of just shoving them all in their desks...yes, I said desks. He has a desk! Not just a table he sits at like Kindergarten...an actual desk that opens and holds all of his things! Oh my...I really am not ready for this!

After he finished doing the little sheet of work at his table, we took his backpack out to the hall to hang at his spot. He found his number and hung it up. For some reason, I had to get a picture of the little area that will be where my boy hangs his backpack every day. So here it is ...

While I was taking this picture, Liam turned around and walked back to the classroom. I put my camera away and turned to walk back in the room and my little boy peeked out of the classroom door with a very worried look on his face. My heart warmed. He still needs me :o) I think I am a little more ready for this now.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A month...I can't believe it has already been a month! Amid the sleepless nights, constant feedings and changings, split attention and adjustment period, there are those moments that you cherish and that make all the other stuff worth it!

As I learn more and more about my youngest little man, the one thing I love to see are his smiles! Of course, that would be the true smiles :o) Not just the gas ones! His eyes just light up when he has a true smile - and it takes up his entire face! His eye color is so dark - and has been since birth - but it seems as though when he truly smiles they have a sparkle to them.

We know what his cries mean, usually! We can tell when he just wants to be close. And we are also speculating on what things he may or may not like as he grows up. Like his nose - I have a feeling he is going to be a child that puts up a holy fit when he has to have his nose wiped. He already can't stand just to have it wiped even the slightest bit.

I have found the best times for the boys and I to venture out and have a routine for when we do it. I never was a morning person, but having a second child has made me more of one even more than the first one did. I get a lot of my things done first thing in the morning - whether it be errands that take us out of the house or getting some things done around the house. It seems to happen earlier in the day rather than later, which seems to work out better because then we have all day to do whatever else we want or can.

This morning was one of those times that we ventured out for a bit in the morning because I had to register the oldest little one for school. I have a first grader...yes, a first grader! Where did the time go and when did he grow up? It seems like overnight he has gone from being the first little one growing in my belly to being halfway to a teenager! He is so excited for school to start - he's been asking me since June when school starts again. That is fine with mommy because I loved being in school too! He learns so much so quickly! We ride in the car and he starts reading signs and words that I didn't even know he could pronounce! A few weeks ago, we checked out a book from the library and one of the words in the title was "universe". I thought for sure that was going to be one of the words I had to help him sound out, but he said it without any trouble right off the bat. He blows me away sometimes! And I know it won't be long before the littlest one starts blowing me away with the things that he learns and does!

Time just goes by way to quickly! They grow up and get smart before your eyes. They are babies - blink once and they are in elementary school, blink again - high school, again - graduating college, once more and they are getting married and having babies of their own!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Introducing our little bundle - who is now not so little anymore :o) Austin James Thompson was born on July 9, 2011 at 1:18 in the afternoon. He weighed 8 lbs 10 oz and was 20.5 inches long. He was born the day after his daddy's birthday!

At 4:30 in the morning on July 9, I woke up to what I thought was me having gone to the bathroom in the bed. I had not done this at all throughout the entire pregnancy or through Liam's pregnancy, but I had heard that it happens. So I got up and went to the bathroom and quickly realized that I hadn't peed - my water had broken! So I calmly, but excitedly went back to the bedroom and over to Josh.

"Honey, my water broke." Josh's eyes popped open so wide and quick! :o) "Ok, let's get going!" was his response. He immediately got up and we started getting things together. I started laughing because the situation was just so cute! We got the last few things put into our suitcase and Liam ready to go. After loading the car, we got in and headed to Grandma's to drop Liam off. My contractions had started by then and were coming every 5 minutes.

By 6:30am, we were walking into the ER and letting them know I was in labor. We walked down to the Labor and Delivery section of the hospital and got things started. To keep things shorter here, I will just skip through the next few hours of contractions and pain! However, through the entire labor process, I was telling my nurses that I had a history of fast labors - once I get to a certain point, everything goes quickly! No one really believed me, so when I went from a 2 to a 7 in about an hour to an hour and a half, they were rather surprised. Finally, I got to a 10 and said I needed to push. No one could find my doctor, so I was told to breath through the urge.

My nurse checked me and said something to the effect "oh, we need to get the doctor in here now or I am going to have to deliver this baby. It's literally going to be one push and he will be here." Another doctor was brought in because they still couldn't locate my doctor. As he was introducing himself, my doctor walked in. They told me to breath through another contraction or two because he didn't have scrubs or gloves on. I said I needed to push and he nodded his head as he got his gloves on. I pushed twice and the doctor had time to put his gloves on, turn around and catch Austin as he was coming out. I wasn't joking when I said I had to push! :o)

Needless to say, he is perfect and things are going very smoothly. We have had our moments and yes, I am sleep deprived, but it could be worse, so I can't complain! Josh was SO lucky to be able to take the first 2 weeks off to be with us and it was amazing! When he went back to work, we quickly realized how much we had all been spoiled by him being home for those two weeks! I wouldn't have traded it for the world though. He is such an amazing father and fantastic supporter for me.

At Austin's, two week well-check appointment, he weighed 10 pounds! ...yes, I said 10pounds!! And he was 21 1/4 inches long! In less than 2 weeks, he had gained almost a pound and a half and grown 3/4 of an inch! He has his 4 week appointment tomorrow and I am curious to see how much bigger he is. The weight gain and growth was a reassurance for me as a breastfeeding mama. I have been so determined to breastfeed and have it work this time that I did so much reading and gone to classes. I wanted to prepare myself as best I could, so his gaining has been a weight off my shoulders! Obviously I am doing something right if he is gaining that much! :o)

Josh introduced a bottle for the first time yesterday evening when he got home from work and it was amazing! It went so well for the two of them! I was not in the room as I wanted to make sure that my little one didn't hear, see or smell me. My sister-in-law, Natalie, had given me that advice and it went so well! It was such a neat experience for my husband to be able to feed his boy since that is what I had been doing from the beginning.

Well before this gets even longer, I will save more little updates for another time. This is the first time I have been able to take a break and write (my head needed to catch up with my body - lack of sleep will do that sometimes!). All I know, is this little guy is truly a blessing from God. He is amazing and perfect! We have loved watching him grow and develop over the last (almost) 4 weeks and can't wait to see the rest!

Friday, June 17, 2011

I should be sleeping, but I'm not. Silence and the humming of the computer are the only things that can be heard in our place right now. My men are sleeping the night away. I, however, am not. The littlest one that is growing inside of me is moving and pushing out as I am writing this. I have yet to meet him and he is amazing in every way. I can feel his little feet as they push against my skin and he tries to stretch out. This is a feeling that I will never forget and love the opportunity that God has given me to know these sensations. I know many do not get to experience the joys of pregnancy.

As we eagerly await his arrival, we are trying to prepare; as much as one can truly prepare for the birth of a little one. I have definitely been in nesting mode the last week or so. I have been getting so much done in the days that it amazes me sometimes. It's as if I get one project/chore done and before I can turn around I think of something else that just MUST be done. There are days that I don't sit down at all to relax until my husband comes home from work. It just seems as though it never all gets done. Since the beginning of the pregnancy, I have had a running list of things that I need to or would like to get done before this little guy gets here. As soon as some of those items get checked off, I am writing more down. I did just that tonight :o) As I was laying in bed, unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep, I thought of as least two more things that I need to do before he's here. So out of bed I get to add them to the list.

Up until last week, I would have said that yes, I was ready for our boy to get here. However, when Josh mentioned last week that there was only ten days until I am full term (now there are 4) I said no way! I am just not ready. There is so much stuff to finish still.

There are only a few small things that we need to purchase still, but other than that, we have everything we will need for him right away. I just feel like more needs to get done around the apartment before he can get here. :o)

Oh! And those weekends that are free before he gets here that I mentioned last time are no longer free :o) It's amazing at how things/weekends fill up so quickly! Hopefully, after Austin gets here I will have even more chances to do some writing and will attack the book that Josh and I started several months back. Until then...we are anxiously awaiting!

Monday, June 6, 2011

So, it's been a long time since I have blogged here. I had started a different blog awhile back, but did not last with that one. I have been feeling the calling to write more and more, but just don't sit down and indulge. So maybe I can start here again :o)

As people know, life gets hectic! And our household has been nothing less than hectic at many times over the last few months. Liam just had his first t-ball game last weekend and he did fantastic! It was so hot and the poor kid couldn't get enough water in him, but he toughed it out and made some great hits and catches! It was so much different from 3 years ago when he did t-ball :o) His coach is so awesome with all the kids and they are all learning so much. He has another practice this Wednesday night with his next game on Saturday afternoon. The team name is the Giants (like the San Francisco Giants) and boy does that seem true for Liam. My six year old and another little boy are the tallest on the team. And as mommy watched from the sidelines, I saw my not so little boy run to first base, give dad a high five (Josh was coaching first base) and stand next to him - seriously looking like a giant. I have been realizing over the last year that my child is no longer little or a baby. He is handsome, tall, smart, loving, caring of others, learning to be a gentleman, excellent reader, struggles with math (but is still determined to figure it out), sweet, thoughtful and continuing to grow right before my eyes. Sure, we have our days, but I wouldn't want it any other way - and if you think about it, how boring would it be if he was perfect?! And how imperfect would that make me look? Anyway, he is growing up and I love it, but those precious moments where I get to snuggle him and he's my little boy (even for a moment) melt my heart!

Our days have also been filled with school, doctor's appointments, family plans, birthdays and parties for those birthdays, holidays and preparing for the new baby. We have purposefully not planned things on weekends in order to utilize some of that time for just relaxing at home as a family, but somehow the weekends don't always end up free :o) After this coming weekend, we have two weekends that are relatively open before Austin gets here. I have been telling Josh to take advantage of some of the free time to go fishing. He hasn't had much time to do this, so I wanted to make sure he had several weekends where he could just go out and enjoy a few hours of the morning to himself. So far he has been out a couple of times and caught some pretty nice size bass!

With 5 weeks left until my due date, all three of us seem to be growing into something more. Liam has been taking on not only a big brother role, but also a gentleman and protective role. Josh has been experiencing the joys of pregnancy and also the anxiousness every time I have a contraction, which has helped him to see just exactly what my body goes through in pregnancy. He has also gotten emotional and protective as well! I have been growing into my stay at home mom role. I use to feel like I needed a job in order to feel worthwhile and appreciated, but over the last year since I graduated from college and have been a true stay at home mom, I have been truly enjoying the ability to spend so much time at home with my boy! Even though I don't always feel appreciated, I know that I wouldn't want it any other way and can't imagine going back to work. I am truly blessed to be able to have the opportunity to stay at home with Liam and now Austin. I will miss having my oldest boy at home with me come August as he will be entering first grade and be in school all day. He has three days left in Kindergarten!