knowingnolan

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Change. I can't be the only one that terrified of it. I first started this page when I was a new mom, which now I have a two year old...so does that even classify me as a "old" mom or a experienced mom by now? Probably not. Actually I know it doesn't. Mom life is this crazy whirlwind that sweeps me from under my feet and onto my ass most days but no one ever told me that it would be SO. GOOD. I never knew how much my mom did for my family every day until I became one. Sounds so cliche but its true. But the pressure of having your house clean, having dinner on the table at a reasonable time and a happy husband and toddler IS REAL. My sweet husband David is probably the closest thing to a perfect partner and dad as it can get. I'm serious. He's so much better at this parenting thing than I am. He just gets it. And Deacon just adores him, and then it melts me into a big puddle. Me on the other hand; am just a crazy tornado of emotions... ALL the time. Its pretty exhausting. I wear my every emotion on my sleeve most of the time. You know when I am happy, sad, mad and just plain HANGRY. But you know, I think some of the best people are that way....catch my drift??

The pressure of mom life is real when you growing up in a generation of over-sharing and instant gratification. I feel obligated to post every little thing when it comes to Deacon. "Look at this cute craft we did today!"Edit.Filter.Post.Share. Just like that everyone thinks I am mom of the year. I often catch myself saying "I need to get out of the house today, dress Deacon cute and take a cute picture of him for instagram" WAIT WHAT? Since when do I do things to get strangers approval?? It happens all the time. Everyday. Just self-consciously. I am not one to let a good hair day go to waste either, I post that selfie and wait for likes. And don't be ashamed if you are reading this and can think of a time where you have done it too.

This is when I decided I needed to take a step back from social media. Actually to be honest, we all caught the flu so nothing has been going on except I am knee deep in boogers and throw up. But I can tell you this, in the last week and a half where I haven't been posting on social media...its actually been amazing. I can't tell you how refreshed it has made me feel not looking at my phone to see how many likes my status or picture has. But I am not knocking social media either, I feel like this is how we keep up with friends and family most days. If someone doesn't post after a while.... WHAT HAPPENED? Are you ALIVE? or just living your life, like normal people did before social media? I haven't used it for a week, and dare I say it, but I miss it. Its like a whole other life, What a twisted sense of reality.

Not posting on social media has actually made me talk on the phone, or actually have a conversation with friends instead of just looking at their profile to see what they have been up too. Deacon has been growing up so much, and it pains me to think that I could be missing some of it because I am hiding away behind an iPhone screen. Cue the mom guilt.

I don't know how many nights I lay down, and think to myself how I could have handled different situations better, and what I need to work on to be a better mom and partner for the next day. Its a never ending vicious cycle. Have moms always felt this way? Even before the whole social media thing? I always feel like I'm being left behind if I don't have the perfect instagram post, and perfect caption for a picture. Deep down I know that it's not all about how strangers see me on the internet. I don't have much mom friends (to all my friends reading that don't have kids... HURRY up already ;) ) so to me at first social media was how I made mom friends. So the pressure to post that pretty picture and that craft or the fun outing we had was real. And the strive to get that mom you had been exchanging comments with on instagram stamp of approval , WAS REAL and so silly. Being a mom and trying to make friends is hard.Truth is, I'm not perfect. I beat myself after every little thing, I cry more than should be allowed in one day. I laugh way too loud, I even snort sometimes. I cuss way too much, and I enjoy a glass of wine, or bottle of wine every now and then ( or every night- haha!). Kudos to all the moms that have their shit together, cause seems like mine is everywhere at all times, I wouldn't change it, dare I say I, might even like it better than being picture perfect. My life is messy, but it's oh so good. I know I am not the only one that beats them self up after every day. We aren't perfect, but we all strive to be even though there is no such thing as perfect, there is just you doing your best. And if we are giving our best each day then thats all that matters. You are trying, you did your best and for that you are a good mom.

Not posting on social media has made me write a lot more, my iPhone note pad is filled with funny things that Deacon did or said that day. His new thing is calling me "Babe" I can thank my husband for that. It IS pretty hilarious. He even got glasses! (that's for another post later)

Filling up my note pad made me remember that I started this page when Deacon was just a baby. He has been growing and changing so much its crazy to think that just two short years ago he didn't even exist? How did we ever live without him-- probably dreamed out him on a Pinterest board ;).

So cheers to embracing change, putting down the phone, and a new year ahead!