Gutless SNL passes up comedy gold for pandering
Courtesy of the Hutch (http://thehutch.com/?p=72)

SNL finally does a skit that’s in even the mildest way critical of Barack Obama, and CNN thinks it needs to be fact-checked for maligning the President. And it’s not as if Saturday Night Live was especially devastating; it attacks Obama for not being successful at implementing left-wing strategies.

Here’s what really bugs me about SNL: They’re missing comedy gold. I believe that SNL should judiciously mock every politician, and in the past they’ve managed to do so even when given a whole herd of Democratic and Republican candidates to lampoon. 1988 and 1991-2 were great seasons for that, with Ackroyd doing Dole (“George, how would you like this pen stuck right in your neck?”), Franken playing Pat Robertson, and an entire array of Democrats giving reasons they did not want to go up against Bush (riding high on the Gulf War at the time).
Kiefer Sutherland’s “I’m old…and I’m only going to get older” and Phil Hartman as Mario Cuomo saying “I. Have. Mob. Ties!” still make me chuckle.

Last year’s SNL was pathetic. All they can find to do with Obama is jokes about how he is so awesome that they can’t understand why we’re even having an election? Obama seems an excellent source of material, so long as you’re 1) not pulling your punches against the black candidate and 2) not in the bag for the left-winger because you love his policies. Any fair impression of him would have “uh… uh… uh…” interjected constantly when speaking off the cuff, and beautiful speeches when looking at a teleprompter. This isn’t even touching on his policies, total lack of experience, constant campaigning, etc. etc. etc.

This spring, when he was flying around the world kissing the butts of dictators and apologizing for everything America has ever done while spurning our allies and handing out crummy gifts, I kept waiting for the awesome SNL skit that would result. Something like this:

AIDE: Mr. President, may I present the President of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev.
DMITRY: Hello, Mr. President. I would like to give you one of Russia’s greatest treasures: one of the original Faberge eggs.
OBAMA: Oh, wow. That is amazing craftsmanship. Thank you very much. I don’t know if you heard…I got in trouble recently for some of the gifts I gave out.
DMITRY: Yes, the iPod for the Queen of England…
OBAMA: Right, right.
DMITRY: And it’s filled with all of your speeches…
OBAMA: Right, yes. And so…
DMITRY: And then you gave England back that bust of Winston Churchill because you didn’t want it cluttering up your Oval Office.
OBAMA: Well, that was a mista–
DMITRY: Or that collection of DVDs? DVDS? You think the Prime Minister of Great Britain hasn’t seen The Wizard of Oz?
OBAMA: I know, I know.
DMITRY: They don’t even play in European DVD players!
OBAMA: Dmitry, all I can say is that I learned my lesson. You know, I tried, I made a mistake. This time, I’m doing it right. Here’s a $40 gift card to Hollywood Video so you can pick out the movies you’ll like. Plus, to start you off, here are a few of my personal favorites.
DMITRY: Uh…Mr. President…even if I wanted to watch, uh, “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead”…or uh, “Problem Child 3″… these aren’t going to play in my DVD player. (He is escorted out.) Wait, this one’s all scratched. What does “Previously Viewed” mean?

AIDE: Mr. President, the ambassador from Great Britain.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: On behalf of Her Majesty and our Prime Minister, we would like you to have this.
OBAMA: (Opening the package.) It’s a… pen?
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: That is the pen with which the treaty of Ghent was signed ending hostilities between our countries after the War of 1812, and thus beginning the new phase of friendship that has endured ever since. It has been preserved in the London Museum of History for almost 200 years, and now we hand it over to you.
OBAMA: Uh… No, that’s fine. Okay. Well, for you we have an American delicacy. Rice-a-Roni. Ever been to San Francisco? They invented it there, so there you go. That’s something for you to take home and share with the other, uh, Brits. British people. English people.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: I… thank you, Mr. President. Sure, I’ll try some Rice-a-Roni.
OBAMA: Oh, it’s not made up. You have to supply the butter. It’s in this box. See, it’s rice…and (reads the box) uh, uh, vermicelli, uh, and it’s mixed up in this box with like some seasonings…
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: I KNOW WHAT RICE-A-RONI IS! We see it on your American game shows all the time! Honestly, we give you an historic item of international significance and, and, like Don Pardo, you just give us a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni?
OBAMA: I didn’t say anything about a year’s supply. A box, you get one box. It’s a year’s supply if you take very small bites and have some good Tupperware.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: This is an outrage. Give me back the pen!
OBAMA: Where’s… does… hey, does someone have the… we don’t have the pen.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: What do you mean, you don’t have the pen?
OBAMA: I think I gave it back to you already.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: Of course you didn’t!
OBAMA: Well, I don’t know. It’s a pen. You know how it is with pens. Now, if you wouldn’t mind?
(The ambassador leaves in a huff.)

AIDE: Mr. President, may I present Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan.
HAMID: Thank you, Mr. President. As a token of our esteem for the sacrifices which your troops have made for our freedom, the nation of Afghanistan would like to give to you this twenty foot statue which you can see from this window. Called “The Purple Fingers of Freedom”, it was crafted by our finest metalworkers from the remains of Taliban rocket launchers. Please accept it with our blessings and our endless, undying gratitude.
OBAMA: (sniffs) Thank you. I’m sure we can find a storage space for it somewhere. And for you we have this…
HAMID: A package of Twinkies?
OBAMA: Well, one Twinkie.

AIDE: Next. The Ambassador from Australia.
AUSTRALIAN AMBASSADOR: G’day Mr. President. We found this rifle owned by a private collector. This is the rifle that killed Crispus Attucks and sparked the war that led to your independence. We present it to you.
OBAMA: Thank you. (Aide whispers in his ear.) Before the Secret Service has a word with you about the wisdom of bringing a rifle used to kill a black man into the White House, I’d just like to give you this Shamwow.

AIDE: The new Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu.
NETANYAHU: Mr. Presid–
OBAMA: Let’s keep this quick.
NETANYAHU: Oh. Uh, well, here. This is a gift from one free, demo-
OBAMA: Hey, it’s a watch. (Slips it into his pocket.)

NETANYAHU: Actually, that watch belonge-
OBAMA: And here’s an iPod Shuffle with the audio versions of my two books. Bye. How we doing on time?
AIDE: We need to speed things up for your speech.
OBAMA: Just keep them coming, pop pop pop.

AIDE: The Prime Minister of Lithuania.
PM: A bottle of our finest wine that won the gold medal in 1938.
OBAMA: Here’s a bag of Oreos. Sorry it was opened.
AIDE: King of Spain.
KING OF SPAIN: Sword carried by Christopher Columbus.
OBAMA: Sweater I wore in college.
AIDE: The King of Canada, I think.
“KING”: A newly-discovered Edgar Allen Poe manuscript.
OBAMA: “Zak McKracken and the Alien Mindbenders” for DOS on 3.5 floppy disks.
AIDE: Ambassador from Poland.
POLISH AMBASSADOR: Screen door from our first submarine. I’m kidding. It’s a Van Gogh painting we found in a Nazi mansion.
OBAMA: Here. Temporary tattoos of the Powerpuff Girls.
AIDE: French Ambassador.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR: A working time machine.
OBAMA: Complete works of Tracey Chapman. Got it off of Limewire. Just copy it off the jump drive and give it back.
BRITISH AMBASSADOR: Are you sure you…
OBAMA: We don’t have your pen!

AIDE: Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
OBAMA: Oh wow. This is a real honor and a pleasure to have you here. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that you could make it. Just…wow.
AHMADINEJAD: I didn’t know I was supposed to bring anything. No one told me. I mean, no one ever invited me to anything before.
OBAMA: Please, forget about it. You’re our guest. For you, though, I have a real treat. It’s an advance copy of my new book, “101 Reasons That America Sucks.”
AHMADINEJAD: Didn’t Howard Zinn already write that? Hahahahahaha!
OBAMA: Hahahahahaha! Well, please, have a seat. You’ll be at my table. No preconditions! Hahaaa!
AHMADINEJAD: Oh, Mr. President! Ha!
AIDE: Ambassador from New Zealand.
NZ AMBASSADOR: The Lord of the Rings box set.
OBAMA: Whoa. That’s kind of a lame gift. What, did you just hit the gift shop at the airport? That’s so rude. I almost think you don’t deserve this snowglobe of the White House.