July 28, 2009

I was just waiting in line at Walgreens, trying to buy some toothpaste, and this grabbed... well, I don't want to say it grabbed me by the balls, but that's the kind of thing it would say, just like it would say "5 things that can BLOW a JOB interview."

Cosmo is just so sexually aggressive. It tires me out. It makes me want to to find out how not to look tired. Get hit on all the time? Get hit on to annoy your friends? Can't I just quietly contemplate whether my breasts are normal or what pittance I might spend to make my skin amazing?

And now you want to tell me about 125 sex moves — in rank order, no less. 125! What if I'd just like some — maybe 40 — little tiny ways to connect with a guy? (One guy!) Not even sex ways, you know? Duh! Sex is just the 41st way, and we already know about it. It's so desperate to need that one thing broken down into 125 parts.

And maybe I don't want thousands of men sent over the edge. That sounds dangerous! Like some kind of war. Over the edge! Come on, back off a bit, ladies. Cosmo has been handing out secrets to drive men wild for decades, to the point where I've been wondering why the streets aren't, by now, teeming with rampaging wild men, all these secrets being so widely dispersed among so many women for so long.

Then there are the 5 things — always with the lists — you should never let your "gyno" do. That underlining, frankly, scares me. You mean there are some rather disturbing things you might occasionally let your gyno do, but there are 5 of them that you really never should let him/her do? What kind of crazy shit are gynos trying to get away with, anyway?

And that leaves us with the Orgasm Whisperer, which I guess is like the Horse Whisperer or the Dog Whisperer, but for orgasms, so supposedly this is a man — woman? — who is has a special, highly effective way of talking to orgasms and extracting appropriate behavior from them. I don't really understand. Maybe it's a little like playing Mozart recordings to unborn babies in the womb. Still, if the orgasm is there, what's the problem? And if the orgasm is not there, what are you whispering to?

Oh, lord, I just want to know some beauty tricks from top models and the real deal on the guys Taylor Swift sings about.

Wow! That is advice overload. It reminds me of golf lessons in Golf Magazines. If you tried to remember all that advice you would freeze up in the back swing, if you ever swing at all. Forty ways to entertain all the men hitting on you constantly...besides sex. How does a woman remember that much. A golf swing is simple if you get in a proper stance and then swing it, no thinking allowed. So maybe females on the make just need to assume their best stance and then just swing it. You should get the most balls in the hole that way.

I have no idea what is on that list of 5 things you should never let your gynecologist do.

This said, I state with all confidence that one of those 5 should be struck off and replaced with: Never let your gynecologist inflate your vagina with compressed helium just to hear what it sounds like on the way out.

This sort of advice really should go without saying but one can’t be too careful about these things; you know, a penny's worth of prevention and all that.

I have a terrible idea. The Democrats should get Bissage to re-write their health care Monster Bill so that they wouldn't need to explain it to anyone. Everyone would agree to whatever Bissage writes. Then after destroying the private sector, any amendments can be passed at midnight next week.

Unless you're in a very specific line of work, I don't see the use of knowing how men, as a population, rank "sex moves." Don't you really only need data on one particular man who may or may not agree with the population of men as a whole?

Freeman Hunt... Good question. The readers are either curious if they are missing out on a big all night of endurance sex because they are boring, or they are wondering if they can get a little attention if they F--K his brains out. The Cosmo secret is that the answer is really no. Just make friends first and share emotions and the rest happens. But like Golf Magazines. Cosmo only exists to sell ads for the equiptment used in the Sport. Any advice that women already have God given equiptment would not sell to any advertisers of the best new and improved beauty devices and sex tricks.

Never let your gynecologist inflate your vagina with compressed helium just to hear what it sounds like on the way out.

Years ago there was a movie called "Chatterbox," about a woman who could talk through her, well, you can figure that one out. Hearing her talk with a helium-enabled Donald Duck voice would be a cool idea for a sequel.

Perhaps the silliest magazines of all are the bodybuilding magazines. I'll be polite and not name any specific titles. They're massively thick but consist primarily of long advertorials for dubious supplements, most of which sounds like badly written science fiction novels. Actual editorial content is limited to vaguely homoerotic photospreads and absurd training-advice articles which seem to be recycled every few months.

Well, let's see, by singing a song that plays to the classic male fantasy of a threesome with a song whose lyrics repetitively reassure the listener that she's into men while mentioning she enjoyed kissing a girl?

Look, I can appreciate an appeal to cheap exhibitionism and mindless lust fulfillment. But it's a damned stupid headline.

What I want to know, dear Cosmo, is when should I call my trick from last weekend.

I texted him after we did it on Saturday, on Sunday, telling him I had a good time. He texted me bad and said he did as well but then said "take care". How should I take that "take care"? Take care as it was fun take care never see you again?

And finally love Taylor to death but it is really all about Peaches this summer. Get with it Althouse and get with it Cosmo.

One of the magazines I subscribed to went belly up, and the publishers decided to finish out my year with Glamour. I was not pleased.

Until now! I happen to have that issue with Taylor Swift and "The Real Deal on All Those Guys She Sings About".

Here's how this REALLY goes inside the magazine.

They ask her if she intends to tone down using the real names of people she writes about in her songs now that she is famous. She says she is just a regular person after all, and that she even wrote in the first person on her MySpace page.

What is with Charles Johnson the last year or so? He spends more time bashing Republicans and Rush Limbaugh then going after Obama's socialist plans. I think any day now he'll declare himself to a Democrat.

I texted him after we did it on Saturday, on SundayBig mistake, he was probably still sore from your monster hog. Only girls are so insecure they need immediate reassurance they weren't just a piece of meat.

They are no better than Hustler I would say, see the words Hot, Sexy etc.... NExt time you go anywhere wear sun glasses and just do selective looking! what else can you do , you are a animal to be noosed!

"says on the cover '100 Ways to Please Your Man' by... some lady. Come on man, there ain't no 100 ways. That list is 4 things long. Suck his dick, play with his balls, fix him a sandwich and don't talk so damn much!"

At my age, most of the 125 moves that send me over the edge involve pathological drivers, excruciatingly slow shoppers, playing basketball, dog owners taking the pooch to crap on my lawn, and politicos trying to empty my pockets. None are are terribly desirable.

Most of the time, Intercourse and Climax are just towns in Pennsylvania, and it takes 4 hours and 50 minutes to get from one to the other.

That cover grabbed me the other day for an entirely different reason. I started a blog post about it, then got lazy.

Whatever happened to models? That's what I want to know. Just this month, Katy Perry on Cosmo, Fergie on Marie Claire, Katherine Heigl on InStyle, Miley Cyrus on Elle, Zooey Deschanel on Self, the list goes on... Not one of the major titles had a model on the cover.

How long has this been going on? Why is it going on? I like models, I'm tired of starlets.

Chase, yes they still publish Boys Life. My cubscout son gets it for being a cubscout, so copies are laying around. I like to read Scouts In Action becuase it was my favorite part when I was a boy. They even podcast it now (although I have not gone that far).

My 11 year old daughter could tell Ann everything she needs to know (or doesn't need to know) about Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is fine with me, my daughter could be listening to things far far worse.

And seriously about More, my wife like it because it celebrates looking good past 40 without all the BS of the other magazines.

No, not at all. My big magazine reading days were in the 70s, when I actually had a job reading magazines. We read everything, including all the women's magazines (to produce a market research report), and my view of Cosmopolitan was that it was for a type of women that I didn't identify with at all. I think at the time I would have said: secretaries.

Jennifer said... That cover grabbed me the other day for an entirely different reason. I started a blog post about it, then got lazy. Whatever happened to models? That's what I want to know. Just this month, Katy Perry on Cosmo, Fergie on Marie Claire, Katherine Heigl on InStyle, Miley Cyrus on Elle, Zooey Deschanel on Self, the list goes on... Not one of the major titles had a model on the cover. How long has this been going on? Why is it going on? I like models, I'm tired of starlets.

This has been going on for years. Stars and their agents work with magazines to get their little precious clients on covers or for interviews because for the same amount of money, or maybe even for less, they can get someone famous, not a model that no one knows. It's a twofer. They get the cover, but they also get an interview and slap it in the last few pages between the remnants of previous articles about douching with coconut oil and astrologers hawking their nonsense. Cover/interview all in one magazine.

Cover models are going the way of the dodo bird. No one wants to see a model and then have to flip through the magazine to look for the interview of the famous name slapped on the front page next to the models face. Besides, haven't you seen the trend to get hollywood names to do all kinds of things from cooking shows, to doing cameos on reality shows, etc. etc. The biggest intrusion of Hollywood stars has been in animation movies. Good voice actors have been completely displaced by Hollywood stars lending their voices to animations because Hollywood thinks big names on animations will draw crowds. It's just a weird bizzaro world of stupid.

The small company where I worked in the 80's had a secretary who admitted to me (not long after she was hired) that she'd had to leave her last job because she'd slept with all the men in the office.

Her beautiful predecessor had started as a receptionist, banged the (married, then separated, then widowed) VP, and gone to programming school on the company dime, with no contract, so she quit (and dumped him) as soon as she found a programming job elsewhere.

Good voice actors have been completely displaced by Hollywood stars lending their voices to animations because Hollywood thinks big names on animations will draw crowds. It's just a weird bizzaro world of stupid.

I'm obviously VERY MARRIED and making fun of Cosmo's cover stories is what I do for kicks while waiting in the check-out line. I always say that whoever writes the articles have obviously never gotten laid and are still hopeful. As for that 1,001 ways to drive your man mad--nonsense. Just hide the remote. Works at our house. LOLOLOL