Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Rich People Defense

So our financial institutions have been under alot of scrutiny lately.... from the bank bailouts to the recent Occupy Wallstreet campaign. People are upset! And people are blaming the rich for being a big part of the problem ..... however for me.... I felt like nobody has heard from those upper 1% of Americans...

Whats their side of the story? Everybody is quick to criticize the bankers or the creative pyramid scheme builders or the "evil CEO's".... but maybe they are struggling with the economy too.... So.... and luckily for my readers.... it just so happens that I'm actually a member of that upper 1% of America.... Yep its true Im freekin filthy rich......

You see I made a fortune in "baby seal burgers" Huge in Iran thank you very much .... Anyways... I decided is was time to tell our story.... of the many sacrifices we "crazy rich people" have made .... and its time for them to be shared with you..... the worthless little people... enjoy....

Now I cant speak for everybody.... but for me..... this economy has been really hard. Sadly it has forced me to make some big changes at home.... So much so, that I recently had to downgrade the size of my house.

As for my house... I put in another jet hanger.... I think it makes it feel just a bit cozier... don't you think?

Back to the suffering. You see that's just the tip of MY iceberg (ya I bought one just so I could say that... so worth it)........ These days things are really bad. Recently my off-shore bank account dipped under a billion for the first time... "I'm living my nightmare" I screamed. It was in that moment I decided I had to start saving... I had to re-billionize! So I started off by selling some of my less necessary possessions.... Lots of things. I even sold my favorite gold toilet!!!

and had to replace it with a 100% SILVER one!! The horror! I just know I'm gonna be the laughing stock at the next polo match.....

Which speaking of... I decided I had to downgrade..... Thankfully segways are much cheaper than prize polo horses these days... Though in truth I kinda did make a couple dollars off of the sale of my steed...

Hey don't judge..... Times are tough ..... And you know what... I like to think that my horse "Filly Cheesesteak" would have wanted it that way!

What else? Oh ya... I cut out going to those 7 star resorts .... In fact a bunch of us struggling "wealthies" were forced to completely rethink the way we vacation.

By private plane-pooling. Ugh!!Man if my great uncle would've seen this..... He would've rolled over in his platinum and bejeweled casket!!!!

And that wasn't it. We have been vacationing where the poor people or "The Cretans" as we call them go ..... And it is so weird!!! We get so many dirty looks? It's almost as if they can tell we were rich... and I personally don't know how?

But whatever..... here's a couple great photos of my friends on our vacations......

Here's my buddy Brock Appleton III with Jade

And my polo buddy Dermot Davenport here with Kiki...

Lets do lunch soon guys!!!

But back to my intense suffering ...... Lets see... Oh I forgot to mention.... I was recently forced to downgrade one of my cars ...

From 24 to 18 carat!!!

And then I even bought an economy car as my "get around the gated community" vehicle.

And then things took a turn for the worse. I had to layoff some of my more expensive employees...

And hire minimum wage "human chess" player replacements... and you know.... it just cheapened the whole game for me... so I don't play much anymore.

And speaking of cheaper... I made one final change... to the cheaper kind of caviar....

But it was not nearly as good... and I sighed...
the economy had won.
Side note-Lots and lots and lots of goldfish were harmed in the making of this can.

I had reached my breaking point... and that's when it hit me.... You see I was used to a certain standard of living... People NEEDED me to live wealthy.... I needed to re-rich myself but for THEM!!!

And all it took was some soulless searching and.... "Aha!!" I exclaimed. I had a brilliant plan......I would simply give myself a huge bonus from some of that extra bank bailout money.... and wammo PROBLEM SOLVED....I mean it was free money right? And every other CEO was doing it!!

And then since I was on a roll I decided to cancel employee Christmas bonuses again this year... More money for me!!! ANOTHER PROBLEM SOLVED. "This is genius... they should be happy to just have a job!"... and I could use some pocket change..... Woohoo!!!

Oh...... wait..... wait.... this post was supposed to be about how hard we have it these days too...... Well...... um.......... I can say... That those decisions weighed very heavy on me.. "Look at what you made me do economy!" is one of the many things you could have heard me screaming while I was shopping for a my new polo horse "Horse-Radish".

But whatever.....Basically the moral here is the next time you poor little people think about how hard you have it..... Maybe you should stop to think about what the rich rest of us are going through...... cause we have had many many a sleepless hour over all of this....

Thank-you so much for sharing your experiences with us. I had no idea the magnitude of suffering the rich have to endure. Suddenly, I feel much more sympathy for those CEO's and much less for the homeless. You can't miss what you don't have, right?