Spoof News

ACLU suggests alternate uses for police equipment

Pour rubber cement in the barrel and put a feather duster in the flash suppressor of an AR-15 and you can “easily get to those hard-to-reach cobwebs up in the crown molding”

By Max 'Extra Scoop' Smithword
SpoofOne News Staff

WASHINGTON — The American Civil Liberties Union says it’s time to “finally put police firearms to good use” — as door stops and paper weights. The ACLU also suggested numerous uses for other law enforcement products ranging from batons to pepper spray.

“Look at the AR-15, for example,” said ACLU attorney I.M. Vulger. “If you pour rubber cement in the barrel and put a feather duster in the flash suppressor, you can easily get to those hard-to-reach cobwebs up in the crown molding.”

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Vulger added, “To have a safe and effective way to prop open a door, all you have to do is remove the bolt from the upper receiver of the AR rifle system. The adjustable stock makes it easy to prop a door open in three different positions!”

Other recommendations included:

• Pistols and revolvers should be encased in Lexan and used as paper weights and bookends• Collapsible batons should be given to artists creating art installations at Burning Man festival• Bean-bag rounds should be used for miniaturized versions of the tic-tac-toe game “Toss Across”• Oleoresin Capsicum (pepper spray) should be sent to Wrigley as ingredient for “Big Red” gum

Less Lethal, More Playful
Vulger also said the organization feels much of the equipment can be put to use for recreational purposes.

“Free-speech websites specializing in sexual exploration and expression should be given use of every available set of handcuffs,” Vulger said.

Vulger added that fixed-length police batons could be donated to recreation centers for use as stickball bats, or “they may also be useful to those same free-speech websites.”

Vulger did not elaborate further on that point.

The ACLU recommendations were announced during a press conference held immediately following groundbreaking ceremonies at the future site of the Amnesty International Museum of Cool and Consensual Punishment.

The museum will open in early 2015 with the much-anticipated exhibit, “Sharia in Indonesia: Caning is Caring!”

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