Disney Princesses have as much of a right as you to procreate (Part 1)

A while back, an article was published called Why Disney Princesses would make terrible mothers. While the article was no doubt intended to ruffle a few feathers, needless to say I, and some of my friends, hit the Goddamn roof. It would be a different matter if the arguments in the article had any weight to them, but this nameless entity who wrote this piece of shit had absolutely nothing to work with, and therefore grasped onto the most pitiful semblance of potential reason in order to spew out this hunk of crap.

So I thought I’d dissect it, and tell you exactly why Disney Princesses have just as much of a chance of being fantastic parents as the idiot who criticized them.

#15 – Ariel

“Ariel is far too immature and reckless to be a decent mother. Her entire life has been one rebellion against her father or another, so chances are good that she would let her kids do pretty much whatever they want, regardless of the consequences or their safety. Want to grow fins and become a merman? Go for it, honey! I support you! Want to go skydiving without a parachute? That’s sounds like a great adventure! I’ll come with!”

Oh heaven forbid a sixteen-year-old acts rebellious! Let King Triton curse the teenagers who seek to forge their own path and discover their own identities which may be different from what their parents want of them! Because, as we all know, no one learns from their experiences and grows into responsible adults. Sure Ariel may have been a bit reckless, trusting the goddamn sea witch of all people. But how else was she to follow her bloomin’ dream?! Apart from her dad, Ursula was the only one who could give her a vagina, and an hour and a half of her repeatedly trying to convince her dad to listen to her wouldn’t have made for a very interesting film.

#14 – Cinderella

“A great mother often puts aside her own desires in order to do what’s best for her child. Cinderella may be great at cooking and cleaning and maintaining a house, but she’s far too selfish to be a good mom!
“Mommy, I’m hungry!” “Sorry, little one. Mommy’s busy getting dressed up to go to the ball and meet her next Prince Charming! Make your own dinner.”
“Mom, can you help me with my homework?” “What? I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was busy daydreaming about a better life.””

Bullshit, bullshit, let me count the ways. In many ways Cinderella is the most selfless Disney Princess. Acting as a slave to her step-mother and step-sisters all because they are family? Um…how is that selfish? Sure, she could have benefitted from Ariel’s aforementioned rebellious streak and got the hell outta there, but she didn’t. Through idiocy or selflessness, it doesn’t matter, she stayed. She wouldn’t be leaving her child to go dance with her prince, and if she did she’d leave the child in the fucking palace’s daycare. And she wouldn’t neglect the kid to dream of a better life: she’s already got it! What film were you watching?

#13 – Belle

“Look how hard they have to try to get her attention! Her nose is always stuck in a book; she doesn’t have time to focus on actually parenting her kids.”

You know that randomly mentioned spell in Harry Potter? Ron mentions it; a spell that makes it literally impossible for you to put a book down and you have to go through life like that, doing everything one-handed and stuff. Remember that spell? Yeah, that shit didn’t happen to Belle. She is physically capable of putting down a fucking book to take care of a child: look how fucking caring she is. The whole plot of Beauty and the Beast revolves around her choice to protect her senile old dad. If you wanted an argument with more weight, how about the fact that Belle and the Beast’s love child would be the product of Stockholm Syndrome? Now that’s worth exploring…

#12 – Rapunzel

“Rapunzel is basically a child herself, so how could she be expected to raise kids? She has barely existed outside of a single room, so even if she’s done all kinds of research, she has no idea what life is really like outside of those walls.
Plus, she was raised by Mother Gothel, the worst adoptive mother in the history of time. If she picked up even a single parenting tip from her “guardian,” Rapunzel’s kid is doomed!”

Yes, Rapunzel is a teenager. Most of these Disney Princesses are. Do you think, maybe, there’s a sight possibility that they would wait a few years before having kids with their respective Princes? Just, maybe? So what if she doesn’t know much about the world, she has enough time to learn, and if Mother Gothel taught her anything it’s to be careful in the outside world. We’ve seen how well Rapunzel can take care of herself and easily protect any kid with a frying pan if her royal fucking guards somehow failed to do so…

#11 – Snow White

“Snow White is far too naive to successfully raise children. They would most likely end up dying before age 3, because although their mother is the most beautiful woman in all the land, she doesn’t know to check food to make sure it’s safe before consuming it. She’d feed poison apples to her kids “because the lady at the store said they were delicious,” and wham — no more little Johnny.”

I think Snow White is a pointless princess and I do despise her, but whereas this argument carries a little more weight I’d at least give Snow White the benefit of the doubt. I’m pretty damn sure she’d learn from her mistakes in this situation. It’s not a minor incident, the girl fucking died because she was too trusting. That kind of trauma will change a person. If, however, we were talking about the original fairy tale in which the Evil Queen manages to “kill” Snow White three times because she never fucking learns, I’d really have to agree.

#10 – Aurora

“You never know when some evil sorcerer is going to put a spell on Princess Aurora. Since she’s clearly susceptible to any spell involving excessive sleep (or maybe she’s just lazy and uses a “spell” as an excuse to take extended naps), motherhood isn’t a good idea.”

This. This is just spot on. You’re absolutely right, we can’t have mothers so susceptible to these many, many sleeping spells. In fact, anyone who had ever had a car accident should be banned from parenthood, and anyone who has been the victim of a mugging or another act of violence. Clearly these people are like magnets to this dangerous shit. We need to protect the kids.
Also, post writer, you inadvertently just insulted narcoleptics everywhere. Way to go.

#9 – Tiana

“Tiana would be an embarrassment to any children she birthed. Her frog-kissing escapades would be the talk of the town, and her poor kids couldn’t go a single day at school without some bully making kissy faces at them and teasing them for their mother’s questionable taste in “men.””

If “embarrassing her kids” is the worst Tiana has to worry about, I think she’s going to be fine. Who gives a shit if Tiana’s child is mocked for having a frog for a father? That frog is also a prince, and his child could instantly bury the bullies under a column of gold coins and ride away from them on a surfboard made of indifference.

#8 – Mulan

“Mulan would be the overbearing type of mother who forces her kids into sports and lessons in which they have absolutely no interest whatsoever. Her daughter who is more interested in reading would be out there getting crushed in football. “If I can go out there and save China in the army, you can play a silly game of pigskin!””

Mulan was brought up in a restrictive era of ancient China. Like most women, she felt like had no choice in life but to accept what society wanted her to be: a beautiful, graceful homebody. Trouble is she wasn’t, and she never would be. It was only after going against all rules of society that she was finally celebrated for being herself.
So do you really think she’d go against everything she ever stood for and force her own offspring to be something she wanted them to be and not encourage their individuality? Again I ask, what film were you watching, dickhead?

#7 – Pocahontas

“Pocahontas would constantly lecture her kids about saving the environment. Even if they never littered, recycled, respected nature, and took excellent care of animals, she’d still talk their ears off about how important it is to do those very things.”

What a knob. Teaching her kids valuable life-lessons. Trying to ensure a future for her children’s children. Wanker.