Craig Kenneth : 00:33 Hi there. I'm coach Craig. Kenneth, and in this video I'm going to be talking about do ex's come back when you ignore them. Okay. So I know there is a lot of different advice out there on breakups, what to do and how to retract the next and apparently there is a lot of information out there about ignoring people and um, some of it involves ignoring your ex if they reach out to you. So I thought I would do a video to talk about this today to clarify for you guys and help you understand how to handle things because there is a huge difference between ignoring somebody and not making them a giant priority after they've broken up with you and they've left you because you know every situation is different. Okay. Let me start off by saying that because somewhere you guys are in a situation where maybe you had done of lot of neglect or mistreating of your ex and so you're afraid of doing that again.

Craig Kenneth : 01:47 Now if that is a situation you're in, you need to be more careful in how attentive you are to your ex. Of course, you still don't want to be jumping through hoops for them, but you certainly don't want them to feel like you don't care making it any worse. Right? So I'm going to talk about this because I got an email about it. I'm going to read this quick email and then I've got a kind of another email that's going to help you see a more in lined with a successful retracting of somebody. Okay, so let me go ahead and get to this first email. They said, hi coach Greg. I'm coming out of a rough breakup and it came online for help. I have to say that it is a bit overwhelming with all the breakup channels out there. After watching so many videos, I found that yours makes the most sense to me.

Craig Kenneth : 02:38 You and Margaret seem so genuine and sincere and explain things in a way that really opened my eyes. Well, thank you for the kind words. Margaret and I are just the way you see us. If anything were more ms dot devious and funnier when the camera's off. We're always having a good time together and that's what you see as like laughing and joking and the videos. A lot of times we're talking about a sensitive topic so we can't, you know, be as silly as we normally might be because we understand that you guys are hurting and going through a rough time. But when you see us having a good time with each other, that's the way we are together. And we've known each other for probably 12 years. I don't even know. I have to sit down and think about it. Uh, but obviously, you know, when I started this years ago and prepared for this for many years, Margaret was always a big part of my plan on getting her on the videos and helping educate you guys and changing your world and educating you on mental health because we know there's so little good information out there that a lot of times it does come from somebody that is like a pickup artist, right?

Craig Kenneth : 03:51 So they go on to say, uh, I can't wait to be able to tell you my story in a Skype and you'll be proud to know I am on the second workbook and loving it. Well, that's great. I've had such incredible feedback on the workbook workbook so far and I'm so excited about that because I really spent a long time putting them together. And even before we were done with one through five, we kinda already had laid the groundwork for the next set which is well underway and is going to be awesome. You guys are going to see. There's a couple things about them that I think you're going to be really excited for, but I'm not gonna make that announcement yet. Before I found your channel, I came across advice telling me that I should ignore my ex. They said you should wait until a 30 day period ended.

Craig Kenneth : 04:47 Then I saw another guy saying that come comeback when you ignore them, but it doesn't make any sense to me. If someone ignored me, I think that they didn't have any interest. These people don't make any sense to me, but they say that they're experts. Yet when I researched them, they don't appear to have any experience or education. Can you please do a video on this to help clear up confusion? Eternally grateful Hannah. Okay. Well, thank you for the kind words and you're right, there is a lot of different information out there. Uh, not just on Youtube, obviously about how to handle situations and um, I can't speak for anybody else's credentials out there. All I can tell you is that, aside from my education, I've always been fascinated by relationships and breakups and have been really. It's been a passion of mine since you know, I was even in high school, I used to read books even back then before I was going to study and get my master's degree and do everything that I've done, but yes, Margaret and I have combined like 50 something years of experience.

Craig Kenneth : 06:08 We don't even keep track of it honestly because we're always focused on what we can do to help you guys next and what we're focused on teaching you guys next so you guys can grow and not only change your life and try and retract the next, but improve your mental health and if you teach your friends and stuff that we're teaching you, it can lay a groundwork for a more helpful support system for you. And that's always important because I tell him, I'm telling you guys all the time. I have friends and family that give terrible advice. I had a guy that I talked to today that got bad advice from a good friend's friend or a good friend's girlfriend and it made the situation much worse. So your friends and your family, they aren't experts in this and they don't study this and honestly as you can see for yourself, there are a lot of so called experts out there that give bad advice to, um, you know, the handwritten letter, I just find to be ridiculous and honestly you should see how many people I talked to in a given week.

Craig Kenneth : 07:17 I hear at least several times I tried this and it didn't work. Um, or the clean slate. I've heard about that one too. These are not strategies that I would recommend. Okay. And I think long and hard about where you're getting the information from. So be careful guys. Okay. Um, I do not ever recommend to ignore an x this 30 day, uh, ignoring your x thing is absolute nonsense. I have no idea where it came from or where it originated. I looked, I couldn't find any information on that. If you see anything the shared in the comment section, but I just don't think it's a good idea to ignore somebody because a lot of things are going to happen. They're going to be angry that you're ignoring them. They're going to get frustrated, they're going to become resentful and they're going to give up and they're going to move on.

Craig Kenneth : 08:09 And then you're gonna miss your window of opportunity because guys, I gotta be honest with you when you're trying to retract somebody, you know, there are times where you have a window of opportunity and times where you don't. And so one of the things you have to do is work on yourself during that time. Become the best version of yourself. So that way when the window opens, you're ready and you know what to do. I tell you guys all the time, I get emails from people that I've even done a skype with that two or three weeks later, they didn't stick to the plan. They did what they wanted to do against what I suggested. And they're like, what do I do now? And it's like, well, now we got to reevaluate the whole situation because you didn't stick to the plan and you got to be careful of that guys.

Craig Kenneth : 09:00 Um, so I understand. I would not recommend ignoring somebody. I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's going to make your situation worse when you have an x that is reaching out to you when they are trying to repair things. That is your window of opportunity to try and repair it. If somebody is trying to repair the connection with you that they had felt disconnected and now all of a sudden they want to reconnect with you and repair it. And instead of saying, yes, let's, let's go ahead and work on this. Let's, you know, try and make it better. They're, they're just ignoring the person. Of course they're gonna get mad and say the hell with this, you know, uh, it's not like they probably haven't been considering other options because in many cases they are. And so why would they not want to explore other options if, when they're reaching out to you, you're ignoring them.

Craig Kenneth : 09:59 Okay? So you can do what you want, but I would never ignore somebody. I just think it's a bad idea. And so hopefully this clarifies that for you. Now I also don't want you to come across as incredibly eager because if somebody ends the relationship, and again, every situation is different, so if somebody ends the relationship with you, you don't want to look like that, they can get you back easily. I mean, unless you made a lot of mistakes, you need to handle it a bit different than if you were, you know, a relatively good partner and all of a sudden they left you for somebody else or something like that. Like there's a million different factors and that's why I say to every situation is different. Um, but for the most part you don't want to be eager. Okay. So let's make that clear. Um, so I have a second email that might show you a little bit more clearly how I would think it would be more helpful to respond.

Craig Kenneth : 11:02 Now this is not the standard a reply that I would want you to do, but this one just happened to come in around the same time as the first email. So I'm like, you know what, I could show the correlation of what I'm talking about. Okay. So this email said, hey Craig, I just wanted to say thank you to you and Margaret for so much of your coaching advice and your videos. You definitely have the best dating and relationship advice on the Internet. Hands down. Thank you so much for those kind words. Uh, please feel free to share my story below. Since my wife and I divorced, I have met a young woman in her early thirties and fallen in love with her. I'm in my early forties. We started out in the same city, but then I moved and we've been having a long distance relationship.

Craig Kenneth : 11:53 Things have been going great for the most part, but recently she started distancing herself and pulling away even though I watched your videos and done some Skype coaching with you in the past. I still made some classic mistakes. Got To be careful guys. That's why I tell you to take notes when we're talking. So you remember your plan and you stick to it. I started questioning her whereabouts when she was out. I also started getting irritated with her and lecturing her when she wasn't answering her texts and phone calls. Your anxiety was causing you to get insecure and then you started to try and do controlling behavior and of course what happens that makes the situation worse. I also got jealous when she would tell me about guys that she interacted with, even though they were just platonic friends. She's known for years and nothing was actually going on.

Craig Kenneth : 12:58 Okay, so now you're feeling threatened by guys that she's just friends with and you're getting more controlling. You could see where this is going. I acted insecure and jealous like I just said, after a couple of weeks of this, she told me she needed space. Luckily I realized that things had taken a decidedly bad turn and that I was walking a very fine line. Okay, so at least you were able to correct it and some of you guys may remember the video where I talk about correcting things in real time where it's like, you know in the beginning you're walking down the street and you don't see the man holds, so you fall in it, you get back out. Another day later you're walking down the street. You forget about the man, you fall into it. Again, it's about eventually recognizing, oh my gosh, there's a manhole there.

Craig Kenneth : 13:55 I got to step around it and get past it without falling in. It's Kinda like that where you keep making the same mistakes over and over again until you finally correct it and sometimes that's what happens. If you're not really motivated and you're really not doing as much work as some of the other people out there, you're gonna fall in the manhole a lot more. I have some clients that are absolutely super motivated. They're blown through the workbooks. They're already begging me for the next set and those people are obviously progressing faster than the people that keep falling in the manhole and making the mistakes, but again, I can only teach you guys. You guys have to figure it out and realize what you've got to do in real time. The next day she called me once for a very short call that seemed almost businesslike. I answered and was Nice, but not overly eager.

Craig Kenneth : 14:54 Okay. This is what I was talking about. He was nice but not too eager. The second day she called me twice with facetime and I treated the calls the same though she was much more friendly. See, some of you guys would have been so eager and excited. You would have been shaking and trembling and you know, uh, been getting into this long texting conversation with them and, you know, just coming on way too strong and then that would have chased them away, but he stayed calm and look what happened, what do I teach you guys? Behavior escalates to serve a function now her behaviors escalating to try and get his attention. I did behavior analysis for four years, um, which kind of teaches some fundamental stuff about behavior before. Obviously I got my master's degree. That's why I'm able to explain things like that and hopefully it clicks for you guys.

Craig Kenneth : 15:49 Okay? The third day she texted me, good morning. So I waited about two hours and texted her back. The same response. Say, you look at this behavior, she's trying to get his attention right. If she was done with him, she wouldn't be doing this. I'm telling you right now, she would not be doing these kinds of behaviors if she completely lost interest and didn't care anymore. These are all good signs. We spoke for two minutes on the phone, but I was busy so I cut it short. Later that night she texted me, how's your night, babe? See this is what I'm telling you guys. Look at her behavior. It's all a escalating to get his attention because when she comes and shows interest to him, he doesn't come on too strong and when I didn't answer right away, she texted, okay, well I don't know where we are right now.

Craig Kenneth : 16:53 Like are we together? See now she's the one getting anxious about you and afraid that you're out with other people and that she might lose you to someone else. So I called her. She told me she thought I was pulling away and she was feeling anxious and lonely. Like I just said, that's what I suspected was going on there. We spoke for a while on the phone and she opened up about all this stuff that's been stressing her out with her job, kids, family, and we really started reconnecting fast. Needless to say, I recovered from near disaster and now she's planning a trip to come see me into weeks. Crisis averted. Okay. Well if you remember back at the beginning of this email, he had mentioned that they are long distance and so he had to spend a little bit more time on the phone than I would normally recommend.

Craig Kenneth : 18:03 Obviously if somebody local, I would not recommend spending so much time on the phone with them. I want to spend time with them in person, having fun with them in person, spending too much time texting and on the phone will decrease their desire to see you. It doesn't increase it. Texting does not make people want to see you more when they get all their answers and they get everything they need, you know when that connection, they're kinda going to lose interest. So I don't like texting and talking on the phone. Obviously in his situation he has to make a bit of an adjustment because it's long distance, but that's why I say, of course every situation is different and every breakup is different, so there are a lot of different factors and a lot of different things that I look at in situations like this.

Craig Kenneth : 18:54 But again, I don't advocate for ignoring somebody. Could you imagine if he just ignored this woman from the get go? She's reaching out to him. He ignores it. He decides I'm going to ignore her for the next two weeks or three weeks or whatever it is. And what do you think is going to happen with this woman? She already got anxious after not replying to one message for a little while. What do you think is gonna Happen? If he continues to ignore for this woman for days or weeks at a time, the situation's going to get worse. She's going to get fed up, she's gonna give up and then you're going to be sitting there thinking, why did I ignore this person? So I don't advocate you guys to ever ignore somebody and not reply to them. Um, of course every situation is different. There could be some kind of extremes for your particular situation that might not fit in with this scenario, but for the most part, I don't want you to ignore anybody.

Craig Kenneth : 19:53 Okay? So when you want to get my health personally, just go to my website, AskCraig.net , sign up for the coaching option that works best for you. I do email coaching, I do Skype, and of course if you want to get Margaret help, she's amazing and tons of experience and wonderful. So just sign up by clicking on Margaret on the top of the website, my workbooks, you're going to love them volumes one through five are available now only at AskCraig.net. Make sure you put a like on the video and subscribe to the channel.

Craig Kenneth: 00:33 Hi there. I'm coach Craig. Kenneth, I've coached Margaret and today we're going to be talking about how to know your ex's rebound will fail and we tell you that like, it's a sure thing. Yeah, you probably want to. What makes them think that? Well Margaret and I have like what 50 years of experience between us as a, as a, as clinicians and we have been looking at relationships for a very long time and so, you know, one of the things that you're going to feel is absolutely terrified. If you see your ex date, somebody new. Right? And I know because I happened to you that way and it was the worst feeling in the world because now it goes from just the breakup to feel like you're being replaced and there's no hope, there's no hope. And they did it in five minutes. They got over you in five minutes and jumped into this other relationship.

Craig Kenneth: 01:32 Yeah. Oh my God. They must be more worse with you than you thought. Yeah, exactly. So I've got a quick email and then we're going to talk about this. Okay. They said, hi, coach Craig. I am a huge fan of yours. Thank you so much for everything you do. Huge supporter of yours and just got the workbooks last week. Great. Seriously, they are much better than I thought they would be. I am loving them. I'm saving up to do a skype with you next month. My boyfriend and I were dating for about 10 months. About three months ago he started to blow me off to go out with friends from work. You can always say friends or friends. Yeah, yeah. He started it. He started going out two times a week with them as a group. I didn't think anything of it. Then a few days after he had been out late, he was acting cold and distant. You know when somebody starts to do that, automatically you're like, what do I do? And I think what most people do is I feel like instead of confronting the person right away, they kind of sit back and, and just see what happens, see if it'll show the shelf up. And I haven't decided what I think about that yet. But I'm almost leaning towards. I think it might be better to confront it sooner than later.

Coach Margaret: 03:00 I don't even know if I. Yes, I think you should raise it. I don't know if he should confront, but you should read it and just say are different for the last couple of weeks. Is Everything okay with you? Is there anything you need to tell me? Yeah, I agree. But I think you should let the person know that you noticed. I agree. And game of charades is not working all that well.

Craig Kenneth: 03:20 I can tell you I have talked to a lot of people that will be like, you know, I saw a few inappropriate text messages but I didn't say anything quite yet. And then next thing you know and inspiral that a control. Right, okay. She goes on to say he went from short answers to ignoring me. Then when I was stalking him on social media, I saw him in the background of one of his coworkers, pictures, holding hands with a new girl at his work.

Craig Kenneth: 03:56 Then there was another picture with his arm around her. I was fuming. He looked so happy and in love. I had a feeling he might have been attracted to her. Yes. Yes. So I can see why you were so upset here. Um, at first you thought you were being a good girlfriend, letting him go out and spend time with friends from work. You don't want to be controlling. Next thing you know, you realize it's because there's another woman in the background right now. We don't know what was going on in this relationship. We don't know if you know, you guys have been drifting apart or what had preceded this. Obviously you didn't really get into this, but just taking a look at how to handle this now. What are your thoughts?

Coach Margaret: 04:48 Well, you know, you raised the issue as soon as you can, which at least puts your partner on notice. And once you have this much information, I would certainly put my partner on notice. I am aware of these things, I have seen these pictures and we need to talk to. I would certainly prefer to deal with this upfront than have things underground and undercover and.

Craig Kenneth: 05:10 Sure. Absolutely. So she wants to know how do you know the rebound is going to fail? Okay. Well Margaret and I have seen this time and time again. Of course there are no guarantees and every relationship is different and every breakup is different. We have to say it to you guys because I can tell you in any given day, all of my situations are very different.

Craig Kenneth: 05:38 of course. Sure. So there will be times where your ex and the rebound, uh, won't fall apart. But I would say I think it's at least 95 percent chance that it won't last the long term. Right? Um, because the first thing that I think about is that the main thing going on with this new person is lust. Yes, no doubt. You know, our body is wired that when we are biologically attracted to somebody and feel it, we are overwhelmed by these feelings that we feel like we're, we're high. Yup. Right. And so like, you're just like intoxicated, but this other new person is what's causing the high. You're not giving them that high anymore. You used to, but now the new person is. Right. And so that's normal for that person to be experiencing that and you've got to understand that like a drug addict, they're not going to think about anything else except getting that fix,

Coach Margaret: 06:42 right. However, they're grownups and they are capable of making a decision to not do it.

Craig Kenneth: 06:47 Sure. Uh, but you know, that I think is what happens is that the people are tempted and so they act upon it. They're like, I've got to do this. Maybe it's a spur of the moment thing, maybe it's slowly building up behind your back. Um, but in most cases they don't really know this other stuff

Coach Margaret: 07:08 person. And that's the big one as to why rebounds don't work. They have had a month's long, at least a relationship with you. They have a big investment with you, they've invested time and energy with you and they barely know this person and no you don't know somebody well in a brief period of time, even though you feel like soulmates, you still don't.

Craig Kenneth: 07:31 No. You really don't know this person and they don't know this person and even though they look so happy and excited and like life. Right. Wonderful. Right. It, it just doesn't last. Yeah.

Craig Kenneth: 07:45 Yeah. Yeah. They don't know your acts either and that's a great point is that, you know, I wanted to get into that one too, is that your assuming or you're terrified that your ex is going to attach to this new person and that this is going to lead to something meaningful and long lasting, but attachment doesn't happen easily. No. Okay. You and your ex had an attachment and that special. That's something that's important. That's something that took time and energy. Right? Right. But just because there is lust involved does not mean it will get to attachment and that is what in so long

Craig Kenneth: 08:34 Yeah, and I think that's one of the main things that, you know, you guys got to understand and we're trying to help you get a little comfort here, is that, yeah, they may look great and May, things may look great and I've seen that play out even with the applebee's girl. Then she looked like she was the happiest, most amazing person in the planet with this new guy who I couldn't even understand how she could get past this looks because they looked like a cartoon character bakey buzzard to be. Exactly, exactly. Uh, but you know, it didn't last long and she thought there was going to be attachment, but then what happened? He dumped her because he was on a rebound. I try, he was shot to rebound from yet another relationship. He was truly in love with somebody else. So we want, I wound up marrying.

Craig Kenneth: 09:20 Yes, Merrill that he had wanted to be with for many, many years. Um, so, you know, attachment doesn't often happen right after a breakup. Yes. Short time attachment can happen like maybe, you know, four months or so I feel like is a big thing. And the hormones, never forget those hormones that get us drunk very quickly, but your fear is that they're going to go right into a relationship with that person that's like where your relationship was with them. That may be the product of two or three years and they can't and they don't. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And the other thing that you don't realize is that this other person may know little to nothing about maintaining a healthy relationship. And in fact, you'll find that most of those people have no real understanding of a relationship. And one of the big things that they're probably going to do, and I see this a lot, is the new person comes on too strong and chases your ex right back to you.

Craig Kenneth: 10:26 And if you handle yourself properly and you know what to do, then you can certainly use it to your advantage. Okay. Yes, you can. Yeah. Um, but you know, if somebody's attaches that fast, it probably is to somebody who comes on strong. I hadn't thought of it quite that way and that can put people off. Oh, it does. It does. Yes. Yeah. Especially women. I think women get particularly turned off by a guy whose interest level's too high. Yes. Yeah. They were afraid of being controlled and so, you know, just because everything looks so great and amazing and you know, it feels like the world is gonna end doesn't mean it's going to. Right, right. No, it doesn't mean it's going to. And you need to remind yourself of that because that's certainly what it feels like the world is ending. Yeah, absolutely. Right. So even if your ex is in a rebound, it doesn't mean that you should completely give up hope, but obviously the number one thing you have to do is educate yourself, make personal growth. The number one option for yourself, you know, grow, change, and so when they revisit the idea of coming back to you, you're a lot more prepared to make it last. Also, remember that beating yourself up is the quickest and worst response.

Coach Margaret: 11:54 So the breakup that we can think of and taking care of yourself and working to grow is really the opposite of beating yourself up. Here you go. Yeah, that's a great point. Yeah.

Craig Kenneth: 12:05 So just know that the chances are this new rebound is going to fail and you know, I would love to see comments in the comment section about this. Okay. Because if you have experiences and you see it play out in your relationship or with your ex, right? It share it with people. So they could say, you know what, I did think that was gonna happen and my ex did wind up coming back or it did fall apart with the rebound. So people can see, oh wow, look at all these examples because it's nice to see the examples of the rebound failings.

Coach Margaret: 12:39 And I have seen some very carefully constructed rebound theories that really represent the fears of the person whose been abandoned and they have absolutely no concrete region to back them up, but they just feel kinda sure that that must be going on. Don't do that to yourself. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Today we're going to be talking about why you can't stop thinking about your ex and what to do, what to do. This is very common. I think probably every person going through a breakup has a really difficult time trying to stop the thoughts about their ex. It's very intrusive.

Coach Margaret: 00:52 I had cheerios for breakfast. My ex love cheerios. Little daily things like that will come up.

Craig Kenneth: 01:00 Yeah. Yeah. Like I used to remember that like, oh, I would get off work at a certain time where would my b? And so at that certain time I would look at the phone because I'd be like, this would be the time I would call them or they would call me, you know what I mean? And so it would be like even the reminders like a time or how your day went or things like that would always. It's a huge,

Coach Margaret: 01:24 gosh, that's a huge gaping hole in your, in your life. Then suddenly now we did one about obsessive thoughts not long ago, but I've had some additional thoughts since that I wanted to share with you. And it's such a huge topic. It's such a huge topic. Um, and if I don't know if you remember, but a few weeks ago when I did it, I referred to George or Georgina, either one of this couple and just as we're trying to move on, they keep trying, trying to come into our head with those obsessive thoughts by George. I thought I told you like goodbye last week. And here you are again. And what I said at the time, what we said at that time is that those are thoughts from our unconscious letting us know that we need to work more on this process of grieving and getting over that we're not finished yet.

Coach Margaret: 02:14 And that's why they keep popping up in our head all the time. You need to talk about me a little more. You better not have forgotten me yet. You have to talk about it. So what are the obvious things that I neglected to say at that point is with anything puzzling or overwhelming that happens to us in life. The first best thing to do is make a narrative. Make a story so that you have a way to tell yourself at anybody else you choose to share this with. Uh, what happened, what happened? Um, my girlfriend dumped me, my boyfriend of roughly said goodbye to me. Um, but you have to have a way to tell yourself the story. Maybe also speculating in maybe some things you did wrong or how shocked you work if you didn't see this coming or what things about him we're getting on your nerves and you may have had the same thought.

Coach Margaret: 03:09 He just acted first. All kinds of different things, which could be one of the main reasons that people love the email coaching. Yes. Because they're creating that network, creating. Then a good point, great point. They're creating the narrative. They are when they talked with us as well. Tell me what happened and people will give us the narrative. Very good, very good point. But somehow it makes things much more manageable if you have a story and you've got to be honest, if, if there are parts of it that you need to own, it's important that you do that and it's important that the other person do that to. So first of all, make yourself a story, okay. That you can live with and that you can at least if not, be happy about, have a handle on an intellectual handling. Um, it's extremely important to do that in any crisis of your life.

Coach Margaret: 03:59 I'm scarlet O'hara should have done it at least halfway through, gone with the wind. Um, otherwise we can end up being left feeling unlovable and as if this happened for no reason at all. And oftentimes when we talk with people, they'll say, I didn't see it coming. I was blindsided and I feel like it came out of the blue. But if we help them to explore a little more, and I'll say more about that in a minute, I'm usually that you find out that they have more answers than they think or if you finish the narrative and you still have major questions you want to go on with it, but you certainly don't want to be left feeling unlovable. And sometimes you're aware that there were problems in the relationship, but you just had no idea that the person would leave you for the. Exactly.

Coach Margaret: 04:48 I had somebody tell me one time, I thought my accusing my wife of cheating on me all the time was just a minor annoyance. Uh, no, it was not a minor annoyance, you know, understanding where the other person comes comes from. It's really difficult for us. And not everyone, to my surprise, assumes that the other person has the same feelings that they do. I mean, if I feel sadness. So I guess you do to um, people don't necessarily make that assumption and it's important that you make that assumption that, you know, if this would make me feel bad, probably it makes my partner feel bad. We can, we tend to become very self absorbed when we've been with a partner for any length of time and especially at a breakup when our own anxiety becomes the major topics. Okay. So first you want to get a clear picture of what happened and why. If it's possible, it's not always possible to know how other people think. Yeah, sure. I get a lot of people that don't seem to have all the puzzle pieces and I'm like, we're missing some major puzzle

Coach Margaret: 06:02 Right. I don't know them yet. Sometimes they don't know. No, they don't and there's no more helpless feeling and we'd like to spare you that. Recently I happened to have had several cases where the breaking up partner has absolutely refused to share any reasons with their partner. And that's cool. It is cool. It really is. Um, so they left to guess. But what I have found is that when I talked with them a little further and say, now you know, this person pretty well, you knew this person, how long you were with them, how long? Um, tell me more about him. Usually people find that they know much more about their ex partner then they thought they did and that when they really begin to look at that, they do have a better idea than they've been able to share. I think a lot of times they have to talk it out.

Coach Margaret: 06:57 They have to think out loud. Yeah. That's one of the ways that people think out loud with us and we help them make thoughts, make sense. Um, but yet, chances are you know, enough about your partner to kind of guess. One of the things I have found also with people who refuse to share reasons is that there are people who are afraid of being close with others. And I know that's always a mind boggle because what we assume is that we're in a relationship because we want to be close to each other and you know, everybody likes that and everybody wants that, but not everybody can live with it and that we often have to consider the fact that what's reasonable for us may be too much for a partner

Craig Kenneth: 07:51 and sometimes that even means the person that is attracted to the avoidant because they know they won't ever get too close. Right.

Coach Margaret: 08:00 That's true. If you're attracted to someone who avoids relationships while you may have made a good decision because neither of you wants too much closeness that would work. I talked to a guy today that I thought that was going on with them really, really, that they were both avoiding and yet they wanted to. Relationship has said, I hope they find a way, if that's what they want. And I

Craig Kenneth: 08:22 said to him that I thought part of the appeal to the girl he was interested in and she had a lot of issues. She had a long history of abuse and all kinds of things. And I said, you know what, I said, if this girl didn't have any of those issues, would you even wanted to date her? And he was like,

Coach Margaret: 08:40 Huh, that must be what he's like, I need to think about that, what he's trained to do. Um, but that's what afraid Craig's favorite words is counter intuitive. And sometimes, you know, you say, well, I've done everything for so and so I did this for them. I did that for them. And because we all have a need for autonomy also, it may have been too much. Um, yeah. So there's often that part of it and it's hard to get it that sometimes if after all this hard work you've just done doing your narrative and figuring out as best you can, where your partner was coming from and reminding yourself that you are still lovable, no matter what this person thinks. If after all that you still finding it difficult to stop the obsessive thoughts, I would suggest that you think you do a little more in depth exploring.

Coach Margaret: 09:35 One of the obvious questions. What's not obvious unless you're in the business is have you had a series of losses because if people have had a series of losses in the last say three years, then it's going to be extremely difficult to deal with this loss and it may be necessary to kind of go back and come to terms with some of the earlier losses before you even get to this one. Okay? And I've known that to happen, so I often ask us to have there been any recent deaths in the family. So that's one thing. The other thing is, does this person have this partner that you can't get out of your head? Does this person remind you of a parent? Because that can be a very, very personal, powerful issue. Absolutely. Yeah. And that can skew your thinking while you're in the relationship and when you're leaving the relationship that you feel like you're abandoning, not just your partner, but your family, whether or not you're the one who initiated the break up.

Coach Margaret: 10:34 So if you do all of these things and you still don't feel good, you might want to think about your local mental health clinic. Okay? You cannot go wrong by working on yourself and you cannot ever go wrong by doing that. And when you go back and you ask people what their self talk is, what kinds of things they think of themselves, you really alarmed by what you hear. I've heard several people just in the last couple of weeks say that they wonder if they're unlovable. Very few people in this world are unlovable and none of them have met us. I think we worked for one of them. I think we did. Yes. I think we did work for one of them. Yes. Back there somewhere. Yes. Um, but you know, so ask, don't be afraid to ask. And for some people, remember that you're being able to move on after a relationship is not about them. It's about you. If somebody refuses to give you reasons, there's no law that we can enforce that will make them do it. So you have enough resources within yourself inevitably to move on. So don't put that, don't put that ball in somebody else's court and it's, it's hard to get there. It is hard and it takes time to get there and we don't expect you to get there

Craig Kenneth: 11:54 overnight because many of you won't. And you know, sometimes breakups take a year or even years to get over and I think we're going to do a video on that soon.

Coach Margaret: 12:07 Yes, we are great because people think there's something wrong with them. If in three to six months they haven't recovered and we have to remember that this is an instant society which does things quickly and there was some process things you can't do. You can tell feelings to hurry up and resolve, but they won't do it no matter how nicely you ask. I've noticed that. Okay. Yeah. Could you please let Mr Show and still get over this and in the, in the next three months, he really wants to move on. No, you can't hurry.

Craig Kenneth: 12:38 Working through a breakup takes time. It takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of hard work and recognizing things about yourself that you may not like knowledging them or even seeing them for the first time because it's not easy to see our shortcomings and sometimes it's really scary and sometimes we feel embarrassed or ashamed and you know, all you can do is grow from that and learn from that and make changes and decided to do things differently,

Coach Margaret: 13:08 but you also have to like yourself. We all like other people as they are and with their shortcomings and their words, but very few people can do that for themselves. And still I'm a good person. Even though I have the following fall, he has to four page list.

Craig Kenneth: 13:23 Yeah. You know, it's interesting. It is how we are more accepting over friends and family with else but not our own.

Coach Margaret: 13:30 And how often do you hear? Well, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Did you give it to yourself? No.

Craig Kenneth: 13:35 And I'm sure a lot of that had to do with maybe how our parents taught us. Sure. In that, the, the, the words that they put on us century, what would they would say to us when we were little? Yep. That's why you have to work through things and that's how you change them and that's why we say, you know, just because you may feel like your ex isn't going to come back, doesn't mean they won't and if you don't continue the personal growth, whether it be three months or six months and you just give up, you go back to your old ways, either you're going to get another opportunity with your ex and it'll fall apart or you'll find somebody else that you love and get attached to and that falls apart too. And then you stuck and you're back to where you were at the beginning of this breakup. Maybe even worse because now you feel even worse.

Coach Margaret: 14:23 Now you feel even worse. Yeah. So work on your selves. T

Craig Kenneth: 00:24 Hi there. I'm coach Craig Kenneth, and in this video I'm going to be talking to you about things are not progressing well. Breakups can be extremely frustrating when things don't go the way that you expect or the way that you're hoping. It can be. Incredibly disheartening. It can be incredibly frustrating. I know I've been there and a lot of times there are a lot of setbacks. There are a lot of changes. Uh, unexpected events. It can be really scary. Okay. Especially when your ultimate fear is losing the person for good. And sometimes you can hear information that absolutely devastates you. Maybe find out that your ex is dating somebody new or they told the friend something about you, like, oh, well, I'm never going to date them again. There can be a lot of different things. It's tough, right? And very, very rarely goes in a straight line of you broke up and then all of a sudden you get back together again.

Craig Kenneth: 01:37 There's going to be a lot of different things that happen along the way and it can be really easy for you to obsess over everything. I know I used to do that myself and it can be really frustrating so it can be tough to kind of heal and move on when you're obsessing over all of the little details, all the little events, all the information that's coming back to you from family and friends, whether you asked for it or not. Sometimes you'll have friends say, hey, I saw your ex out the other night holding hands with some guy and then you know what? I didn't even know she was dating with somebody. Somebody in there. It's frustrating. Right? And sometimes you might be in contact with your ex and it's not going the way you want it to go. I see that a lot where you're got really high expectations.

Craig Kenneth: 02:29 I'm supposed to see her on Saturday. Doesn't happen or I'm supposed to come by and get my stuff next Thursday doesn't happen where you thought things were heating up a little bit so it can be really difficult to have expectations and then not go the way you want. I know I've been there and sometimes things start to improve and stuck and it's just not going the way you want and you know, obviously you know when it gets tricky like that, if you want to do a coaching with me, I can try and figure out if there's something you're not seeing or you know, something is going on deeper than your understanding because when you're going through it, everything feels like the end of the world. Even them taking down a Facebook picture, even if you weren't even in the picture. I mean I remember seeing an exchange, their Facebook profile picture and my heart was racing and my heart stopped and it wasn't even.

Craig Kenneth: 03:40 I wasn't even in the picture with her. It's just seeing that picture change. It somehow felt like, oh my gosh, they're moving on without me. I don't know what's going on in this person's life anymore. It's really scary and um, so I got a good email today that I think is going to explore a few different things here and this guy is frustrated because things aren't going the way he's wanting to. It's a guy in his early fifties and he was dating a woman a few years younger for about a year and a half. Before I go on, I always forget to tell you guys to subscribe to the channel. Just click on there real quick and subscribe. You know, the content is great, but I always forget to remind you guys because as soon as you do that, Youtube will let you know when I release a new video. And the other thing you could do is go on my website AskCraig.net and join my mailing list.

Craig Kenneth: 04:39 I haven't been putting out stuff too much recently, but you want to get on there because when I do you know it's going to be some good stuff. So thanks for doing that. I do forget all the time, but I remember to do it this time. Okay. So let me go on. Like I said, guy in his early fifties dating a woman a few years younger for about a year. Okay. And he was telling me a little bit about her life. He said that her father had issues with alcohol and the mother believes in doing everything for the grandchildren and instills this in her. Okay. So he said that she said, I talked about my exes too much and didn't feel I was committed to her. She also felt I did not accept her and her two kids. So both of those could be major issues there, especially if she feels like you're not accepting her kids.

Craig Kenneth: 05:41 Uh, you know how you're going to be in a relationship with somebody if they don't treat your children well. Okay. He said I chased her at first, but then I backed off. She then chased me a bit and then I chased her again. So he said this was through texting and speaking, but not phoning or visits. I don't know what he means by that. He says text speaking, but not phoning or visits. All right, let me just go on. I think he just means to say maybe there were texting, but not actually talking on the phone. A little confusing there. Okay. The two biggest problems that she had in their relationship with his lack of emotional commitment. She wanted me to propose after eight dates. Yes. I said that right. You heard that right? She wanted me to propose after eight dates. What does that tell you about this woman?

Craig Kenneth: 06:48 Think about it. What does that tell you about her? She wants him to propose after eight dates tells me she's really insecure and she's trying to force things. It's almost like an ultimatum. In fact, I guess it wouldn't be an ultimatum. Right? Like if we're not engaged after eight dates. That's it. I'm done now. I think he's meeting after eight more dates because like I said, they were dating together about a year and so I'm guessing she meant like, you have eight more dates to get it together or I'm leaving now. I got to tell you, if somebody tells me that, I'm going to say, listen, uh, I think you're great and I want to continue seeing you, but I can't just marry you because you're putting an ultimatum on me. I'm not going to feel comfortable with that. I mean, I'm not gonna put myself in a lifetime commitment.

Craig Kenneth: 07:43 Ideally a lifetime commitment based on you trying to force that. No Way. Not Me. Maybe some of you guys would do that, but I wouldn't recommend it not going to go well. I could tell you that because if she bullies you into that kind of forces you into that, you're not going to really feel happy. Right? That's not really a loving relationship. That feeling like you're obligated. Okay, so he says, we've been texting for a couple of weeks now. She said she needed to talk about things, but then text me not long after, but it does not progress beyond this. I have broached meeting up with her, but then she says she needs time. If I don't contact then she'll text. But if I text too much then she withdraws. I am now trying to keep texts lighthearted, but then she picks me up on issues recently because I talked to her in past tense. This seemed to upset her, of course, because it seems like she really wants to be with you, but her anxiety is causing her to try and lock you down, which is ultimately just going to push you away, right? Because nobody's going to want to move forward in a relationship under these circumstances. I sent a text yesterday morning with my pictures. All I said was good morning. She responded with that pick wasn't taken this morning. It was taken last night.

Craig Kenneth: 09:29 What? Who Cares? What is the difference? You could see like her anxiety level is so high, like what does that have to do with anything? If you took a picture last night, what is it implying that he's with another woman? Is that what she's afraid of? Seems like a to me complete jump in logic there, right irrationally. She then responded with, I don't know why you're not upfront. What? What? Where did she get this? This is just anger and unresolved issues and she's like implying that you're lying here. It's just bizarre. Right? All he did, all he did was send a picture of him and said, good morning.

Craig Kenneth: 10:30 All of a sudden she's angry about it. That picture wasn't taken this morning. It was taken last night. I don't know why you're not upfront. How was he not being upfront, but you see when people are like this, they're anxiety is off the charts and it's. It seems to me like she's implying he did something wrong by sending this picture or that he's being dishonest by sending this picture. Right. I'm not heading down this road with this woman. I'm running the other way. I'd be like, listen, you can keep your eight dates. I'm out of here. Yesterday. She said to me, you're confident and you send a lot of pictures of yourself. So he said, okay, I'll cut back. Then this morning she texts, why haven't you sent me a picture this morning?

Craig Kenneth: 11:22 I'll tell you what I think is going on here. I think she wants pictures in the morning because she wants to know that he's at home in his bed and there's no woman there or that he's not at a woman's house. That's what I think. That's how distorted her perception is. Right. That's what I really think is going on here, but that's just ridiculous. I mean, if she really wants to know where it is and I'm not encouraging this, why not just pick up the phone and Facetime them if you don't trust where he's at or what he's doing. He said it's something we used to do when we were together. Yeah, well I wouldn't go down that road with somebody. I mean, that's just ridiculous. Full of distrust is off the charts. Last night I sent a text about some of the happy times we had together and then half an hour later she sent a kiss. Today she has sent a few texts and even a picture of her in bed wearing silly glasses. I said in my text, nice to see you in bed. She responded with, is it? But then moments later, texts, good night. Then she's angry. Good. What is she angry about? A B, and not understanding this logic here at all, but it doesn't seem like logic, right? Margaret would say, you're looking for logic. There is none. This isn't logical. This is about her feeling easily disconnected and hurt, but he didn't. I mean, I don't understand how she got upset about that. She sends a picture of her in bed wearing selling glasses. He says, nice to see you in bed, and she responds. Is it good night? Then?

Craig Kenneth: 13:16 Could you imagine how frustrating it would be to be in a relationship with someone that's acting like this? Some of you are scratching your head thinking, well, you know, the thing about that is I used to do this or maybe your exits to do that, right? He says, if I go no contact now, it will seem weird as we are at least texting and that could just feed into the feelings she's having about me, that I did not care. Sometimes her texts will have a kiss, sometimes small, sometimes big, whereas other times they're techs are short with no kisses. I do miss her and find not seeing her painful. I also find this limbo state difficult, although I can be patient, I read so much about being friends zone though and the advice being to cut contact, but somehow my stage teams a step on, so I'd rather build bridges if I can. I've told her how I feel and explain why I behave this way and have now been very open with her and apologized. It can also change from a lot of texts to very few. I rang, but you won't answer my direct calls. I also said I would consider marriage as she is the one for me.

Craig Kenneth: 14:39 You can have her, man. I don't want anyone that's going to treat me like this and you're going to see after, um, the good thing. The interesting thing about this email is that you're going to a response from him that he sent to me after I sent him his coaching. Okay. He says, basically I feel there might be something I should do more than perhaps I'm not doing in order to escalate things to a more favorable outcome so he could see. He was like, is there something else I could be doing or should be doing to get this to work in my favor here? What worries me is that I did read the ex's context. You as a way of weaning you off. I hate if that was the case. Generally she's a loyal person and I don't suspect anyone else's involved as you can gather.

Craig Kenneth: 15:32 I would like to get her back, but I'm unsure as to whether the current situation is positive and I just need to be more patient. Basically. What should my next move be? Alright, well I told him that I didn't think that this woman is very emotionally stable. She's got tremendous amounts of anxiety and you're gonna wind up having a lot of fights with her because she isn't able to control herself. She just lashes out. She's cruel, she's manipulative. She, uh, is vengeful and all kinds of things verbally aggressive because she's scared, right? And she doesn't know how to calm herself down. And while you can do your part to try and manage that a little bit, it's going to be constantly putting up with it to some degree. So it's gonna be tough because yes, you can learn some skills to help decrease the level of arguments or be a better partner for her.

Craig Kenneth: 16:38 But she still gonna act, you know, all over the place based on how she's feeling. Right. And the ultimatum of marrying her after eight dates, a eight more dates. I would never go for that because I don't think a relationship is going to go well if you're progressing because of some kind of demand or whatever she's got going on here. So, you know, I think he's got to be patient here. I think he really needs to assess whether she can be a good partner for him and I think he's starting to do that. Um, but letter come to you and when she does be friendly, I'm not going to be playing games with somebody who's not answering my calls, who's hot cotton, cold. I mean if you want space you can have space, but I'm not going to be chasing you and being kind to you or sending you pictures and then you accusing me of doing something wrong.

Craig Kenneth: 17:44 I mean it's just, it's just ridiculous. He wasn't doing anything, so this is what he said in response to my email coaching and obviously there were some more things that I said in the email coaching, um, and I kind of explained things as I went into the email and read it to you guys, but he said Hi Craig. I just want to thank you once again for your insight and summary into my situation. I think you are bang on and some of the traits you mentioned. I've actually noticed already when I reflect back I had been ready to blame myself for everything. I'm reevaluating my situation and we'll tread with caution yesterday. She hardly text but I did not jump as I usually would have done. I suggested meeting up previously and she hasn't made a reference to it so I'm not approaching it again.

Craig Kenneth: 18:42 And will heed your advice. One final thing, uh, if my story can help others and I actually don't mind you sharing it as long as you keep myself anonymous, which of course I can do for all of you guys. And that's why I'm vague about ages and time. You've been together. I try and keep it vague, but close enough, right, so nobody can actually pinpoint who you are or anything like that, so if you're in a situation where somebody is putting these kinds of demands on you, you better reevaluate it and explore it because it might not be the best situation for you, but if you want to get my health personally, just go to my website Askcraig.net.

Sign up for the coaching option that works best for you. I do email coaching. I do Skype coaching. If you got to get with me right away, I do offer emergency Skype coaching. You can also get Margaret's help and sign up for a Skype coaching with her, but that's it for this video. I'm coach Craig. Kenneth and I will talk with you soon.

We often feel like our ex will never come back. We look at everything we've done wrong and think, there's no way they would come back to me after the way I treated them. So why would your ex come back? Why would your ex give you a second chance? We talk about those reasons in this video.

In Today’s video we're going to be talking about why would my ex come back to me? That's a big question. It is a big question and when you think about it, it's probably a scary question,

Margaret: 00:52 right? If you say, why would my ex come back to me? You're looking, you're asking me to really think about what I think I have to offer. Yeah, well what I had to offer her

Craig: 01:03 or him, so I've got a quick email that I want to go to and then we're going to talk about it. All right, so they said, hi coach. I wanted to start off by saying you and Margaret are the best coaches I found on youtube.

Craig: 01:20 The videos have been really eyeopening and I started the workbooks and love them. One of the big things I've struggled with is this, why, what my ex ever come back to me. I was with my girlfriend for three years. I am just now realizing how terrible I was as her boyfriend. Oh, I've been feeling very depressed. As I look back. I used to yell at her all the time. I didn't call her names. I was just impatient with her. I neglected her and it's been going on for a long time. I really didn't know how to make her feel loved. After watching the video on that, I really thought there's no way she's coming back and he's referring to the video I did. How to make her feel loved. I'm guessing she said she still cares about me, but it's tired of how I made her feel.

Craig: 02:24 When I pushed her to talk about it more, she said she was done talking about it. She got angry and then said, how many times have we had this discussion? You didn't hear what I had to say then why would you care now that hurt you could imagine that are, uh, I'm doing the work books and they're helping a lot. I've already made a lot of changes and I'm saving up to do a skype with you in the next few weeks. I've just been having such a hard time. She will ever come back. I don't blame her if she doesn't. Well, first of all, I think one of the things that we do in this situation is we assess everything we did wrong, right? And a lot of our energy goes into that as we start thinking about everything we said that was wrong or did that was wrong. All the complaints that they had on why they broke up with us and we magnify them,

Coach Margaret: 03:31 but in this man's behalf and good for him, he's willing to look at whatever is his fault and that's refreshing and that will help you. Absolutely. Most people say, I don't know what I did. This guy is saying, I know what I did. I can see what I did. I take responsibility for and I'm trying to change good for him

Craig: 03:53 and that's the best thing you can do, but that doesn't happen. Magically know, right? You're having to force yourself to really look at who you are in your romantic relationships and maybe how selfish you've been. Yeah. And that's a tough thing to look at.

Margaret: 04:08 Yes it is. Yes it is. And the other thing that you'd be surprised people have a very difficult time time answering is can you say three good things about yourself? I gave up asking for three. I went to two and people still had such trouble. I now settled for one. Can you say a good thing about yourself? And some people really have to struggle. Um, you know, I go to work on time, we'll do, um, you know, I try heart, I clean up after myself. There were all kinds of, even very little things that we do well every day and those are important too. But as you say, when you're in a beat yourself up phase, it's hard to see any of those. Right?

Craig: 04:52 Absolutely. It's very hard because you're overwhelmed by guilt and depression. Right. And you can't think about what you did, right? Because all you're sitting, you want to punish yourself. Yeah. You're like, ah, this person away. Yeah.

Margaret: 05:08 Listen, stupid. What did you do that for?

Craig: 05:11 Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. It's very hard, and you've got to realize that love is incredibly powerful. Attachment is incredibly powerful. I don't think there's anything more powerful than the bond. I think there is either. We have with each other and you know, even though your ex may say to you, I'm never going to talk to you again, I don't want to see you right now. I don't want to hear from you right now. It doesn't mean that they're going to stay feeling like that forever. People change their mind all the time. Good point. Yup. People's feelings change all the time and having some time to reflect on that. And when you give them the space to have that freedom and you're no longer chasing them or begging them to be in your life, they're going to sit back and think about, well, you know what? They did bring a lot to my life too, and I don't know if I want to go on with them either or without them either. Right,

Margaret: 06:12 right. But you could hear in this one. She was desperate. She was talking to him. Okay. For Awhile, but then she got exasperated and said, we've had this conversation 100 times. I'm not doing it again. You didn't hear me before. Why do I think you'll hear me? No, except I think he did hear her this time. Yes, it's a little bit late, but maybe not too late.

Craig: 06:30 Well, I think a lot of people listening, um, they have been told over and over and over again by the x when they were together. You're not changing. You're not fixing this. You're not hearing me. And you didn't take it seriously. Right. You always have to take your partner's needs seriously. Always, always, always. It's part of a relationship and maintaining it. It's 24 slash seven, three 65. It's not waiting for somebody to show up at your door with a letter handing you instructions. You got to know to do this from now on because if you don't, why would they stay with you? Do we know what this lady was complaining about? Only what they said here.

Margaret: 07:13 Okay. All right. But obviously she didn't feel like he was hearing her. Yes. Maybe you don't spend enough time with me. You don't talk to me about what's going on in your life. All of those kinds of things. I'm sure.

Craig: 07:25 Well, he did say that he yelled at her a lot and he was impatient and he neglected her for a long time. Okay. Okay. So you know, one of the things that Margaret said earlier is really important for you to think about and that's thinking about what you have to offer. Yes. Okay. You always have to think about what you have to offer. People aren't obligated to be in a relationship with you. Right? They don't see it sound like you say you're my girlfriend and now and that's it for now and forever. No, you've got to make them want to stay with you all the time. Not, you know, you don't have to be perfect all the time. You can't, but you've got to do your best to be conscious of the relationship.

Margaret: 08:09 It doesn't sound like this fella asked himself how things were going and he certainly didn't ask her how things were going and if she didn't complain then he probably thought everything was okay until she finally said, but she did complain. She's saying, yeah,

Craig: 08:24 and one of the things that you know, someone like in this situation might say, his life changed now. Now I've changed. Well, you haven't changed. You're aware of the problem, but that doesn't mean you've changed. Real change takes time and work

Margaret: 08:39 and you know, this guy may come from a family where that worked for everybody for a lifetime. His parents might've been perfectly happy that way, but the lady he was with was not having any of it. She was not having any of it,

Craig: 08:52 but nobody's going to expect you to be perfect all the time. They love you and your imperfections just like you loved your ex. Would their imperfections and things that made you nuts or pissed you off or made you sad or frustrated all the time. But at the end of the day, you love somebody and you love who they are in your life and oftentimes when they don't have you anymore and they're scared to lose you, they really reevaluate and reassess that. And it's hard to believe that when the person has just told you, I don't want to talk to ever again, I never want to see you ever again. I'm never going to give you another chance. Right?

Margaret: 09:34 And you believe it. Of course, particularly if you're this gentleman and you're aware of what you've done, but it may not be forever.

Craig: 09:40 No. And you know, one of the things that we talked about in the video the other day is that, you know, when somebody is telling you, I don't want to talk to you right now, I'm never going to date you again. It's because you haven't respected their boundary and their decision and people do not like it when you impose your will onto their decision

Margaret: 10:05 when you try to. That's absolutely right. And that goes for both men and women. Yeah.

Craig: 10:09 That would be like Margaret and I saying, okay, we're only going to coach people from now on. If you shaved your head at the beginning of the skype, that's right. Change your socks. Some of you guys would say, I'll see my head mom ready to do it. So you're going to be like, well, I'm not going to shake my hand. I don't want to do that. We'll see. No, you don't want to be told what to do. That's our point. Yep. And you have to.

Margaret: 10:32 Nobody wants to be too. And we have to remember, remember that human beings have to, per founder urges, one to be connected and one to be independent and we have to figure out a way to get both and to respect both, right? Yeah,

Craig: 10:47 absolutely. Yeah, but you know, you think about your relationship with your parents and your caregivers, right? Think about your mom. Your mom probably drove you crazy and she probably did certain things that made you feel so nuts inside. You're like, I can't take it. I hate when my mom does this.

Margaret: 11:05 Pick up your shocks and take out the trash at exactly the same time.

Craig: 11:08 Yup. Everybody's mom or dad has quirks and does things that just make you nuts. Right? But you still love them, right? You still wouldn't trade them for another mom. Well, if somebody, you guys might, but for the most part, mostly you would. Wouldn't you say, despite that I still loved them. They still love me and that's the same thing with romantic love, right? If you love somebody and you care about them, you know you can get to a point where you're frustrated and you're fed up and you don't think things are gonna change or that you're going to change, but you can and if you do them.

Margaret: 11:45 Yeah, anybody can at any time of life if you choose,

Craig: 11:49 if you work on yourself and make improvements and weight and your patient for that opportunity to show them again and display the behaviors of somebody that is confident and and can do the things that they were hoping they got the first time around, they're going to revisit it. They're going to be reluctant in some cases and they may make you show it over a period of time, but if you've really changed your welcome mat,

Margaret: 12:17 that's right. Now these folks have been together for awhile.

Craig: 12:20 Yes. Right. Yeah. And uh, several years, I think three years. Yeah.

Coach Margaret: 12:24 Um, so there's no way she's got to forget about you. There's no way. And you know, so you want to be ready, as Greg says, when she reaches over again and after that length of time, something kept her there for five years, three years in this screen. Okay. Something her there for three years and it had to be something substantial. So whatever that is, she may be back looking for it. Maybe you make great pancakes, have a wonderful sense of humor. Maybe you can fix anything in the house. Maybe you have all sorts of wonderful traits.

Craig Kenneth: 12:58 Yeah. You know, the connection that you have with somebody. I mean, let's face it, you go out on a lot of dates and people often go out with many, many people in their lifetime, but there are very few that we really truly bond with. Right, right. That you really have a strong connection with that person and they have that with you and even though they feel like I'm fed up, it's not gonna work that can change and being without you and I'm giving it some space to and them some freedom to make their decision can make them really think, you know, what maybe maybe we can work

Coach Margaret: 13:39 to sell. Whereas if you persist, she's got to put her energy into saying, oh, not him again.

Craig Kenneth: 13:44 Exactly. And I can tell you from experiences. One girl that I dated for about four years that I ended the relationship because she hadn't changed and she refused to get into counseling. She had a lot of issues she had to work on from early, early childhood trauma. And so after about four years, three or four years of it, I was like, I gotta this. I gotta move forward. And I asked her to move out and I was, you know, kind as I can be patient with her as I can be. And you know, we were still talking here and there after she had moved out. And I even thought to myself, you know what, maybe if she works on herself and she stays in therapy, like she says she is, I can give this another shot. But then she didn't like being alone and started dating another guy right away and was playing both of us. I found out, oh no, that didn't last long on my end. And that's when I'm like, okay, I'm done. I'm done. Instead of trying to talk about this and deal with this and act like an adult. So you'd rather jump to somebody else. That's when I was like, I'm not gonna I'm a good decision

Craig Kenneth: 14:52 because I had already been on such a thin ice or she had been on thin ice with me for so long. But even in a situation where I was just fed up beyond belief with this woman and the way she had acted and treated me and she was just negative and mean and manipulative and selfish and oh my gosh, the list went on. Even then I thought, well maybe there's a chance. Yeah, right. And had she done the things that I asked you to do and changing the ways that I have asked you guys to and we teach you to, we might have been together. We might've gotten back together.

Coach Margaret: 15:31 Right? She wasn't ready. There was no way you could do.

Craig Kenneth: 15:33 Yeah, absolutely. So love is incredibly powerful. And the bond that you have when you attach to somebody doesn't just go away. Even if they act like they did or tell you that it did, it doesn't. Yeah,

Coach Margaret: 15:47 you don't have. Doesn't mean it has. And I don't want this gentleman just spend a lot of time beating himself up. It's not helpful. No. Do some positive things that are going to make you feel better, but don't beat yourself up. It doesn't help. Absolutely. I just want to remind this gentleman to be good to himself. Um, what, what's done is done. He's doing his best to correct it and beating, beating yourself up, sir will not help you. Okay? So be good to yourself and, and help yourself. Encourage yourself to become the man you want to be.

Craig Kenneth: 16:21 But realize there are many, many people in this world that go through a breakup and get back together. Right. And sometimes that relationship winds up becoming better than it ever was. And if you do work and make personal growth your priority, you can only increase those chances.

Craig Kenneth: 00:24 Hi there. I'm coach Craig Kenneth, and in this video I'm going to be talking to about how to make your ex regret their decision to break up with you.

Well, have you ever found yourself in a situation where you didn't like the way somebody treated you or you didn't like the way things played out and maybe you felt slighted in some way and you wanted that person to regret their decision? For example, a lot of times we want our x to regret breaking up with us and we want them to feel like they made a huge mistake and it certainly helps our ego and makes us feel much better if they ever do come back to us, right? Even if we decide we don't want them back and it makes us feel awful good. If we know they sit there and they regret what they've done now sometimes we put ourselves in unhealthy situations as well.

Craig Kenneth: 01:20 Maybe we stay with somebody that doesn't treat us well and we tolerate their bad behavior. We let them walk all over us and disrespect us, and then of course if there's no respect there, there's just simply not going to be a relationship because you have to have respect and any kind of relationship if there is none, there's really no relationship there. So I've got a really difficult email today from somebody that I've done two skypes with and an email coaching and I can't remember if I did a video on one of his previous sessions, but if it sounds familiar, that's why. Okay. So he wanted to do another update with me and he said, Hey Craig, I hope you're able to re or recollect challenges that I'm facing in my personal life. And I did remember him very well. He had some very unique things about his situation that it was a very easy for me to recall how everything went.

Craig Kenneth: 02:22 In my previous interaction. I told you that I am single, 40 years old, not religious, Orthodox and basically a clean guy. His language is not English as first language is not English, as you could hear him saying he's a clean guy. I don't think most Americans would say that. Um, so I'm not going to say where he's from because I want to keep it a little ambiguous for me. Asked me to, in spite of having a loving and respectful girlfriend, this is important. I was extremely attracted towards a woman in my native place who was around my single, divorced and working professionally at a high level. Okay. So he had a really nice girlfriend. He still does. And yet he found himself extremely attracted to another woman and I made it very clear to him that this was not right for him to do because this girlfriend of his treated him very well and he was very disrespectful to the relationship they had by being very interested in another woman.

Craig Kenneth: 03:30 Okay. Now he kind of tries to justify his behavior and you're going to see how he said I had an instant, massive crush on her and did everything and anything just to fly to my native home and meet her. Okay. So look at how high his interest level is. My new, he's got another girlfriend, he's got a girlfriend. This is not a girlfriend. He's doing everything and anything to try and get her attention. It doesn't sound healthy already does it? And it's not. And you're going to see why I met her five times between May and July and in all the meetings I acted very needy, week anxious. And on the other hand she was rude, totally disrespectful, self absorbed and indifferent. So those are some really powerful words if you really let them sink in on that whole dynamic there right now. He says, I was honest with her and told her about my girlfriend.

Craig Kenneth: 04:41 Now this guy is really distorting reality and I think it has a lot to do with his relationship to his mother because he's coming from a place where, hey, I was honest and told her that I have a girlfriend yet he can't understand why she is not interested in reciprocating. Okay. Yet he's trying to justify like I can do these things even though I have a girlfriend because I told this new girl I have a girlfriend. He said, I just felt like hugging her tightly and not leaving her unable to handle my emotions. I contacted you were you were able to pinpoint the reason. She is an exact xerox copy of my mother, height, face, hair, way of dressing up, same way of thinking. Everything is just the same. Now, as you can imagine, he didn't have a good relationship with his mother. He had a massive internal struggle and that is why he is so incredibly drawn to this woman.

Craig Kenneth: 05:57 What do I tell you guys? All the time we are attracted to the familiar. He has this overwhelming, intense attraction to her that he completely disregards the fact that he has a girlfriend. He thinks that it's okay because he's saying to the new girl, hey, I have a girlfriend, but he doesn't understand that he's doing all of these super aggressive behaviors and, and he wonders why she's disrespectful. She's, you know, road and have self absorbed and different, which is exactly how he describes his mother. Okay. He's drawn to this woman because she's just like his mom and he's completely ignoring reality here. Right?

Craig Kenneth: 06:44 He said, never in my life was I so attracted to someone as I am to her. I don't think I can ever forget her. Think about that. Thinking about that, right? I don't think I could ever forget her. Why? Because she's just like your mom and she probably looks just like your mom did when your mom was younger, and so that's why the attraction is so intense because what is we do as children? We fall in love with our mother. That's what we're supposed to do, right? If we fall in love with our mother, that's how we learn empathy. That's how we learned to attach and bond to other people. It's absolutely what we're supposed to do now because he was traumatized and there is a massive attachment trauma. That is why he's having such a struggle with this woman because he feels like he has to be with her. Like it's abandoning his mother. Right? Like he's a child abandoning his mother. Okay. So he says, the last few months I have been in more control. I have been a no contact with her for the last five months. Absolute radio silence. And she never contacted me now for a week I will be going to my native place to visit my parents. My mom is now old, was hospitalized for several days and is recovering slowly. I will also visit my aunts place who is just living around one kilometer from that woman's house.

Craig Kenneth: 08:30 You know, this isn't going to go good. Right? Cause now he's looking for excuses to go see her. Needless to say, I will be very anxious to meet my crush. Also. I've worked on myself physically and mentally, but somehow I feel that I should meet my crush and tell her how rude and disrespectful she was to me. Wow. Right now, remember it has been five months since he has seen her. They haven't talked. There's been no contact and he wants to go and tell her that she was rude and disrespectful. Does that sound off to you? It does to me because. Well, let me get to that in a minute. Let me just finish his email. All my previous meetings with her, I behaved like a doormat and allowed her to walk all over me. Now remember, they only hung out five times. Okay? I want you to keep that in mind.

Craig Kenneth: 09:38 This isn't like a longterm relationship. They only hung out a handful of times and he had a girlfriend. I feel like redeeming myself so that I can just walk away with my head held high. My brain tells me that I should never contact her again and no need for any closure, but my heart tells me life is short. I don't live in that country anymore. I don't know how much time I have on this planet better to meet her and say what I feel. Then to walk away and always regret feeling that she walked all over me and I did nothing to respond to her or react. What do you say, coach? What's your advice on meeting her? She may not even reply to my message or declined to meet me. What's your advice on this? Okay. Well, first of all, it's obviously not healthy that you're just fantasizing about standing up for yourself for about five months here and I think this has a lot more to do with your mother and your relationship with your mother than it does with her.

Craig Kenneth: 10:50 Remember, this woman only hung out with you five times and this wasn't some longterm relationship and it's interesting that you find her to be so incredibly disrespectful and rude. Yet I find it incredibly disrespectful and rude that you were trying to get with this girl when you had a girlfriend, so I don't understand how you can see how wrong her behavior is, but not your own. You need to think about that and I'm wondering if your girlfriend should be telling you all for being so rude and disrespectful to her because you should. Saying she's a great girl and look at how she gets treated. You're definitely fantasizing about this woman and you would have most likely left your girlfriend to be with this woman. Had you had the opportunity to do so in this girl and not treated you so badly. But you know, if you're sitting there trying to tell her off, first of all it's going to look pretty crazy because you haven't talked to her in five

Craig Kenneth: 11:54 months and you're just gonna contact her just to tell her off. I mean how bizarre would that be if someone contacted you at a nowhere for. It's been almost five, six months and they just tell you off, you're going to be like, we only hung out five times and probably explaining how you're kind of distorting reality here. And of course why? Because this has a lot to do with mom is so disproportionate to what actually happened because this has to do with the conflict with his mother and he's angry and hurt about that. So he takes it out on her. A woman that he really barely knows. I mean if someone hung out with you five times and they were rude and disrespectful, you'd kind of forget about it and say, well the hell with that person. I don't want them in my life. And you'd move on.

Craig Kenneth: 12:52 But you are obsessed with it. And why? Because it's like walking away from your caregiver. It's like walking away from your mother and that means death. If you're a child and you walk away from your mother, you would die, so if you are coming from the place of wanting to make her regret, her decision and why she treated you the way she did, if anything, I would just send her a message while you're in town and try and get together with her and show her how awesome you are doing. That's how you're gonna. Make this woman regret how she treated you sitting there and berating her or yelling at her. She'll shut down immediately. She'll leave the situation and then you'll be standing there angry and frustrated that you didn't really get anything out of it, that you didn't get what you wanted and it's not really gonna.

Craig Kenneth: 13:43 Make you feel any better. Now, if you could go out with her, have a great time show or how awesome you are, how great your life is doing, and how much you've changed that might make her look at you and think, wow, what happened with him that I didn't want to work it out within that I didn't want to give him a shot. Not that you really deserved one because he had a girlfriend anyway, but for those of you that would be in this situation that you want to show somebody, you need to show them how awesome you are and how amazing your life is and how unique you are and how many great qualities you have, and that's the angle that I'm going to come from not trying to berate somebody or trying to get revenge over something so small and detrimental from five months ago.

Craig Kenneth: 14:30 Okay. She was rude and disrespectful, so why would you want to see her anyway? Well, if you did in a situation where you wanted somebody to regret what they did and how they felt, I would take the high ground and so look, look how great I am. Look at what you're missing out on, so that's what I would do in this situation and if you want to reach out to her, I mean quite honestly, uh, she'll probably be rude to you and ignore you or blow you off and just make you more frustrated. But if somebody else out there is watching this situation, then they're wanting to make somebody regret it and I would take the approach of let them see how great you are and then you don't give them another shot

Craig Kenneth: 15:17 and you say, oh no, no, I just wanted to hang out and see you, but you know, I appreciate you reaching out to me. And then you feel good about the way you handled yourself. So if you want to get my health personally, just go to my website as Craig. That net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you. I do email coaching, I do skype coaching. If you have to get with me right away, I do offer emergency skype coaching and of course Margaret is now doing skype coaching too. And she's amazing. So that's it for this video. I'm coach Craig Kenneth and I will talk with you soon.