Fold + Stay

8. Caretaking with strings attached. Taking care of others to feel better about your situation; when you don’t get recognition, you’re upset.

9. Over-apologizing to reduce blame and avoid offending others.

10. Constantly doubting yourself. Feeling inferior to others and not believing in yourself and your capacities.

Accept + Learn

You’re afraid of being alone or abandoned. You believe that you’re somehow powerless, helpless or unable to cope. In relation to the other person, you believe that you’re weaker, lesser or not as good as them.

You’ve internalized other people’s beliefs about who you should be and/or who you are. Reconnect with yourself and see what truly speaks to you and what doesn’t.

You’re worthy and have much to offer even if you don’t quite believe it yet.

Ask yourself:

Which thoughts disempower me?

Where else in my life do I have disempowering thoughts?

How would my life look if I stopped making myself smaller?

Personal example

Imagine reaching for some lettuce at a grocery store. Someone cuts you off and grabs a head of lettuce. What do you do?

I used to apologize. Even though it was the other person’s fault. According to this NY Times article, it’s typical of women to apologize for our existence.

I apologized all the time. I’d get the same drink as my husband (even though I wanted a different one) to avoid bothering our hosts. I’d censor myself or, on the contrary, over-explain my opinions.

Spotting the countless ways I made myself smaller empowered me to change.

Accept + Learn

“Flight” reactions are about escaping from an uncomfortable situation, which temporarily alleviates the hurt, sadness or fear. It hurts so much that it seems easier to flee.

But, believe it or not, escaping our pain and fears amplifies them. Emotions need to flow. When you attach too much importance to your emotions (by denying or identifying with them), you’re not letting them flow.

Let go. Allow the discomfort to go through you.

Contemplate:

Which emotional wounds or fears am I running away from?

What if this were an opportunity to change and see things differently?

What needs to happen for me to stop fleeing?

Personal example

Ah, story of my (young adult) life! When I could no longer take my parents’ nonstop criticism, I distanced myself. I moved to France, where I could live life on my terms.

But when the afterglow rubbed off, I realized that I was still fleeing… in my mind. My own voice echoed my parents’ criticism. Each achievement crumbled away as the bar of expectations rose higher and higher.

I only began feeling peaceful when I accepted my fears and dismantled my inner critic.

Freeze

15. Blanking out. Functioning on autopilot. Having your mind go blank, so that you don’t have to think, cope or decide.

16. Clamming up. Not knowing what to say/do. Or not being able to say/do anything.

Accept + Learn

It’s when you stuff down your negative emotions and deflect attention away from yourself to avoid feeling powerless. You’ve come to believe that you’re incapable of coping.

Ponder:

What am I feeling right now? How does that feel in my body?

What’s one positive thing that I can do to resolve this difficult situation?

What’s my next (baby) step?

Personal example

When I was little, I’d clam up whenever an adult yelled at me. I remember feeling afraid and totally lost as to what to say or do. So I blamed myself, It’s my fault.I can’t do anything right.

As an adult, I had no idea that the habit stayed with me till I got into some heated arguments with my partner. I trained myself to pay attention to my body’s reactions during conflicts, which helped me center myself and express my feelings.

22. Showing off. Trying to make a good impression on others through your possessions, appearance, status, abilities, etc.

23.Forging ahead. Being extremely focused on what’s ahead and driven to reach your goals despite how awful you feel.

Accept + Learn

Somewhere along the line, you learned that it’s too risky to show that you’re vulnerable. After all, having a thick skin has gotten you far in life.

But when it comes to loved ones, a thick skin can keep you from truly enjoying their company and deepening your relationships. You’re also likely avoiding your own feelings, which of course doesn’t help.

When was the last time I felt like this? How did I react? What were the results?

How would my life look if I kept acting like everything’s fine forever?

Personal example

A friend of mine, after confiding to me about her personal problems, systematically reassures me by saying, Everything’s fine! It’s no big deal.

It’s not easy being vulnerable, even with loved ones.

I used to make my life seem perfect when I talked to friends and family because I was afraid of being judged. But I felt miserable.

When I finally did share details of my life with loved ones, I found both support and criticism. But I felt lighter and happier being myself and some of my relationships have deepened since I’ve opened up.

Forget It

26. Distracting yourself with activities. Includes eating, having sex, gambling and imagining a fantasy world, but you can also use work, studies, sports or hobbies to avoid pain or contact.

27. Giving up. Never wanting to do that ever again. Playing safe instead of taking risks.

Accept + Learn

“Forget It” emotional reactions are no different from the rest: they allow you to momentarily avoid emotional pain, fears, discussion or action.

Occupying yourself with work, sports or hobbies can be a healthy coping mechanism, but be honest with yourself: Am I using this activity to avoid pain/reality?Or to help me heal, move on and feel fulfilled?

Always allow the pain or fear. This is the most essential thing.

Inquire:

What am I avoiding in the present moment?

What are others’ expectations of me? What do I really want?

What can I learn from this situation?

Personal example

I used to throw myself into work whenever life got tough. The logic behind that? Well, feeling crappy won’t get me anywhere. So, get to work, Annie! And off I went to accomplish all my tasks.

At the end of the day, I felt proud of my machine-like efficacity, but also mentally exhausted. Imagine doing that day after day for years… umm, burnout! Life forced me to slow down to see what I was avoiding all along.

It turns out that I was denying past hurts; overworking compensated for my lack of self-esteem.

Slowly but surely, I unpacked and accepted each and every one of those past hurts. This has been primordial for my joy today.