An Idiot's Guide to Woman-Management (Part 2 of 3)

Now that you have a woman-pleasing appearance, money in your pocket, and the correct aura about yourself, it’s time to ask that special lady on a date. I suggest “stalking” your prey for several nights to find out her routine. You see, you’re essentially trying to find a time that makes it seem like serendipity. Women have been brainwashed from the womb by Disney, Shakespeare, and Sex in the City, you see, and if you go up asking “What’s your sign?” she’ll kick you right in the Scorpio.

In the process of “stalking” her, I recommend that you look for a few things before you ask. The premium time to ask a woman is when she is surrounded in a public place and a rejection would embarrass her more than you. Another excellent time would be if she were emotionally distraught. You’re probably asking, “When is that, Nick?”

To which I would say, “Hahahaha. Motherfucker, don’t be stupid. This happens several times throughout a normal day and should not be too hard to spot.” It is important to notice running mascara, rosy cheeks, a temper tantrum, or sand falling from the vagina like an hour glass. DO NOT proceed until at least two of these signs are indicated. The woman could simply be menstruating.

So you successfully backed her into a corner or appeared “magically” like Prince Charming, Romeo, or John Travolta, and got yourself a date. Now, on this first date, you must set the tone of your relationship. A woman can be fierce, manipulative game, and you must know a few facts to subdue one. First, you must understand that by agreeing to a date with you, she’s given you legal consent of ownership. She’s yours buddy. For the rest of her life. Your will is her way. Yes, it may seem harsh, but women need discipline in order to be happy. And, really, think about it: If you were a woman, how could you be happy without a stern, arbitrary man to woo you?

And this brings me to my next point. You see, my lucky friend, there are two different approaches when one wants to woo a woman. One, you must talk about yourself as much as possible. Most women love to be humored by a man; after all, men live much more exciting lives than women do. Honestly, would you like to listen to a woman talk about cooking, cleaning, or other womanly duties? Of course not! Women are only interested in the ways of men. Also, on the other end of the spectrum, women love to sit and eat in silence as well. You must act as introverted as possible. This technique works well because it allows the woman to confuse herself by trying to conceive what you, a more advanced, intelligent being is thinking. Are you developing a scheme to seduce her or to cure cancer? Are you thinking about what color panties she’s wearing or if the au gratin potatoes are good? Why are you knitting your brow? Do you think she’s fat? She’ll never know. And because of this, you’ll have stunned her just long enough to fuck her. Though, I have to warn you, this approach is somewhat risky because women must be entertained, like…a small child, or…a puppy. For the same reason, you must spank your woman if she becomes disorderly for the purpose of sufficient training. Such offenses warranting spanking include speaking without permission, not cleaning up after you, and yawning. (Remember, it’s legal if there are no witnesses.)

There are a few things that I require before the end of the date. First, you must speak with her father and create dowry arrangements. Be sure to remember that the attractiveness of the woman is in indirect proportion to the amount of cows or pigs you receive. For example, if the woman is a “4 out of 10” you should require six cows and six pigs, and if she is a “9 out of 10” you should only ask for a cow and pig. Also, be sure to introduce the woman to your stove and washing machine. Think of it as an introduction to her new friends. Friends that she’ll have for the rest of her life. This can be done before you sign the dowry agreement with her father. After all, you want to know the variety of meals she can cook and her ability to operate your washing machine.

47. Matthew Perry is missing part of his middle finger on his right hand due to a door-shutting accident.

46. Diane Lane's mom, Colleen Farrington, was playboy's Miss October 1957 (the ex playmate was also pregnant in one of her photo shoots)

45. Early in her career, Whitney Houston sang the jingle used in commercials for Bounce fabric sheets.

44. A childhood virus left Rob Lowe completely deaf in his right ear. "No stereo for me" he says "It's a mono world".

43. Even though she appears in ads for Tommy Hilfiger's True Star fragrances, Beyonce is reportedly allergic to perfume.

42. After Drew Barrymore posed for Playboy in 1995, Steven Spielberg sent a note that said "cover yourself up" along with a quilt and a copy of the magazine with all her pictures altered so that she appeared fully clothed.

41. Jake Gyllenhaal got his first driving lesson from family friend Paul Newman

40. At age 10, Justin Timberlake won 1991 pre-teen Mr. America pageant. The following year, he became the first male winner of America's Universal Charm pageant.

39. Before becoming an actress, Aussie Naomi Watts worked as an assistant fashion editor at a fashion magazine called Follow Me.

38. Colin Farrell says that Marilyn Monroe was the first woman he fell in love with. "I used to leave Smarties, the Irish equivalent of M&Ms, under my pillow with a little note saying, "I know you're dead but these are very tasty and you should come and have a few. i wont tell anyone"

37. Gwen Stefani admits that she's had only two boyfriends in her life: No Doubt band mate Tony Kanal and husband Gavin Rossdale.

36. As a 2nd grader Jamie Foxx was so talented at telling jokes, his teacher used him as a reward. If the class behaved, Jamie would entertain them.

34. Keira Knightley was Queen Amidala's decoy in Star Wars: Episode 1 though the film was promoted as if Natalie Portman played both roles.

33. Though Christina Aguilera is of Ecuadorian descent and recorded an album in Spanish, she doesn't speak the language. I gathered that when she said mai gousta kantaar

32. In 1993,Jessica Simpson tried out for the Mickey Mouse Club but panicked after watching Christina Aguilera audition. "I froze and forgot everything" she says. She lost out to both Christina and Britney Spears.

31. Eva Longoria starred in the 2004 flick Carlita's Secret, a crime drama in which she shared a same-sex smooch with actress Maria Bravo. "It was the most fun i've ever had kissing somebody".

30. In the early 70s, Richard Gere played Danny Zuko in a London production of Grease.

29. Tom Cruise admits that he still does the Risky Business underwear dance when hes at home alone. He calls it his "dance of freedom".

28. As a child, Jim Carrey wore tap shoes to bed just in case his parents needed cheering up in the middle of the night.

27. Christina Applegate attended the 1989 MTV Movie Awards with Brad Pitt, but dumped him at the event and left with someone else. "We were really good friends when I was about 16. We went to the awards and I ditched him! I left him there and I feel really bad about it...I really really do. I left with somebody else"

26. In a high school talent show, Matt Damon performed the talking heads' "Burning Down the House"

25. Mariah Carey was nicknamed "Mirage" in high school because she never showed up for class.

24. Angelina Jolie's uncle who looks just like John Voight, Chip Taylor, wrote the song "Wild Thing"

23. Catherine Zeta Jones' father owned a candy factory, but the star says she rarely indulged: "I had so many sweets and candy hanging around my house that I never even bothered with them".

22. Comic actor Jack Black is the son of rocket scientists. His mother worked on the Hubble telescope, and his father worked on "some stuff that i can't tell you about," Jack says.

21. Jennifer Love Hewitt sent Matt Damon an inflatable bed because she read he didn't feel like he has a bed of his own. She never heard back and now, he "looks at me a little weird".

20. At the age of 7, Reese Witherspoon appeared in a television commercial fora local Nashville Florist.

18. Russell Crowe was once a pompadoured singer named Russ Le Roq. His first single was "I want to be like marlon brando"...even though he'd never seen a Brando movie when he wrote the song.

17. Madonna is related to both Gwen Stefani and Celine Dion. Gwen's great aunt's mother-in-law shares the same last name as Madonna Ciccone and an ancestor of Madonna's mother was married to a distant relative of Celine's dad.

16. Grey's Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey began his career as a juggling unicycle-riding clown.

15. Tara Reid attended high school in New Jersey with American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis.

14. Julia Roberts' left eye tears up when she gets nervous.

13. Struggling actress Charlize Theron landed her first agent in a bank. He signed her after witnessing her throwing a fit at a bank teller who refused to cash her check.

12. When he was little, Ben Affleck asked his mom for a dog and she tested him by making him walk an imaginary pup for a week. In the end, he only lasted five days and didn't get the dog.

11. Brittany Murphy claims she started speaking at 4 and a half months. She also says she was a very "energetic child, really bubbly...extremely precocious"

10. Demi Moore, who has earned up to 20 million per movie, first found work as a bill collector

09. Heidi Klum is an avid painter and several of her works have appeared in US art magazines.

08. Daryl Hannah is co creator of the board game Liebrary

07. Both Olsen twins had to wear fake teeth during the later years of Full House because their smiles began to look different.

06. In 1985, a four year old Alicia Keys appeared on The Cosby Show as one of the guests at Rudy's slumber party.

05. Usher holds the Star Search record for the longest note by a child: 12.1 seconds

04. Claire Danes has a swing in her apartment. "My parents had a swing, a trapeze and a trampoline in their apartment, I was inspired by that"

03. American Beauty star Thora Birch's mom acted in 21 adult films including Deep Throat under the name Carol Connors before retiring in 1993.

02. Halle Berry used to date New Kid on the Block Danny Wood. They broke up because the band thought she was a groupie.

01. Brad Pitt belonged to the Key Club and the Forensics Club in High School, and before he became an actor he supported himself as a chauffeur, a furniture mover and a costumed mascot for the restaurant, El Pollo Loco.

A man's guide to proposing

Marriage on your mind? To start the party, we've gathered a plethora of proposal ideas you can customize to floor your intended. Remember that your sweetie will be telling the story of how you proposed to friends and strangers for the rest of her life.

Go Public

- For some, a public display of affection is the ultimate intimate gesture. Most movie theaters will let you buy a slide that plays onscreen before the feature. You can design your own and watch as the entire theater strains to see the lucky proposee's astonished expression.

- Convince the local theater to spell out your proposal on their marquee. Phrase it like a film title: "The Love of a Lifetime, starring (insert names here)."

- Take the stage! Get in touch with the stage manager of an appropriately themed production and propose after the cast's curtain call (the stage manager will prep everyone and get you in position).

- Have your proposal painted on a billboard en route to her office. Park beneath it or await their arrival at work, armed with champagne ready for toasting.

- Take out a full-page ad in a newspaper you know your honey reads daily. Be nearby while they read, lest you miss the look on her face.

- Gather all your friends for a big softball game. Give the outfielders signs that spell your intended's name and, "Will you marry me?" When she comes up to bat, signal them to display the signs. Tell your soon-be-fiance that if she hits one out of the park, a different kind of diamond awaits her!

- Make a list of ten reasons you'd like to marry your beloved. Read them to her in front of a crowd, have a singing telegram deliver them, or send them written on note cards one by one over the course of a day (or ten!), with the last card arriving via personal messenger (you!).

- Create a Web page declaring your love and intentions. Leave your sweetie a clue with the Web address written on it -- don't say a word. After the proposal has been officially accepted (which of course it will be!), she can proudly send the page to friends and family.

Perfectly Private (Please!)

- Draw a bath for the two of you and place a floating candle or rubber ducky in the middle with a ring tied around its neck. Make a path of roses leading to the tub. (And make sure the drain is well-plugged!)

- Speaking of paths, turn off all the lights in your apartment and make a trail of candles that leads to a circle of votives positioned around a ring.

- Give your girlfriend a foot massage and place the ring on her little toe.

- Send your sweetie on a treasure hunt. Start with a clue at home. Then send her on a tour of your favorite spots -- all over town, or just around the house. When she gets to the last hint, the treasure should be you offering up a ring or other sentimental token. They won't need another clue to figure out what you mean.

- Sometimes the key isn't how you pop the question, but where. Find a special place, maybe the bar where you first kissed or the place you first told her you loved her. A place that means something to both of you. Once you're in position, just kneel and ask. Your honey will always remember that you remembered.

- Tie a red velvet ribbon from one spot in your home to another. Attach little notes recalling perfect moments in your relationship along the way. You wait at the last stop, ring in hand.

- You needn't propose with a diamond ring. Buy any jewelry piece or a watch and inscribe it with, "Marry me."

Surprise!

- Want to really surprise your sweetheart? Cut out the bottom of a big box, wrap it with pretty paper and ribbon, and attach a card that says, "What's inside the box is a gift to last a lifetime." "Deliver" yourself to his or her office or front door.

- A surprise trip is sure to set the mood. Blindfolds and intricate secret plans (you'll have to pack her bags) are a must to increase the thrill factor. Once you've reached your destination, pop the question.

- Is she a deep sleeper? Slip the ring on her finger while she's dozing and wake her with champagne and strawberries. The gesture will just seem romantic -- until she discovers a new piece of jewelry adorns her.

The Way to a Loved One's Heart (Through the Stomach!)

- Food is a tempting addition to any successful proposal! Spell out, "Will you marry me?" in M&Ms, jellybeans, or Hershey's Kisses on the kitchen table, bed, or coffee table. Send her in to read it; when she say yes, you can toast your future with a mutual sugar rush!

- Surprise her with an intricate gift basket. Pile in yummy delicacies -- the best chocolate, caviar, coffee -- but don't limit yourself to food. You could also include silk slippers, a book or CD. Hide the ring among all these wonderful presents (in its box, so it doesn't get lost in the goodies).

- If you're dining in a fancy restaurant, ask the wait staff to write, "Will you marry me?" in chocolate sauce around the rim of her dessert plate.

- Make your intended breakfast in bed. Propose to him or her while they feel ultra-cozy and pampered.

Let Her See the Kid in You

- Draw a hopscotch board on the sidewalk and invite her out for a game. Once she has succumbed to a little childhood play, replace the pebble you're using with the real rock!

- Spell your proposal out in glow-in-the-dark star stickers on your ceiling. Get into bed, turn the lights off, and wait for the inevitable gasp.

- Write "Will You Marry Me?" on the underside of a kite and take flight one warm, breezy afternoon.

- Spell out your proposal with refrigerator magnets.

- Scratch your proposal into the frost on her car's windshield.

- If it's Easter season, paint one word each from the phrase "Will you marry me?" on four eggs and hide them with the rest, so she has to find them all to make a complete sentence. Definitely make "marry" the hardest egg to find. You can throw in other eggs with funny verbs painted on them to throw your egghead off -- like kick, tickle, and love.

Hot Ideas Under the Sun

- Go to the beach with her, casually build a sandcastle (at a safe distance from the ocean!), and place the ring on the highest turret. Invite her to admire your handiwork, then pop the question.

- Go for a sunset sail and propose at sea.

- While she naps on the beach, sneak away and spell out your intention in seashells. Then go for an afternoon stroll and let the shells do all the work.

- Take her to the local Fourth of July fireworks show, and have someone announce your proposal before your whole town.

- Gather your families together for a summer barbecue and make your proposal a family affair.

- Plan a scavenger hunt through a local park. Pack a picnic, and when you get to the park, send her along to find the first clue. Once she's out of sight, make yourself the last clue in a romantic spot with champagne on ice and ring in hand.

- Invite her to a private pool party and send the ring floating toward them on a raft. (Note: This doesn't work in Jacuzzis.)

- Write your proposal in sunscreen on your stomach, so that your tan will "stencil in" the words. She will be so touched you've taken such an, um, interesting approach, she will accept immediately.

Flying High

- Hire a skywriter to spell your proposal on high.

- Tongue-tied? Hire a plane to fly a banner with your "Marry me (insert name here)" message written on it. Take her to a wide-open space -- a beach, park, or stadium -- and simply point.

- Hire a plane to draw huge hearts and your initials in the sky. When your sweetie notices what the pilot is doing, tell her that your love was heaven sent.

Flower Power

- Flowers always charm -- what else exists solely to look beautiful? (Except your girlfriend, of course!) String the ring on a ribbon and use it to tie a bouquet of wonderful flowers (daffodils, tulips, lilies, or whatever reminds you of her) together.

- Go for symbolism. Instead of the standard, albeit lovely, bouquet of roses, present her with a potted orchid. Put the ring beside the stem (in its box, so it doesn't get lost in the Spanish moss). The orchid will last a long time, will always be regal, and will bloom time and time again (just like your love).

- Plant a colorful window box of forget-me-nots for her. Write one word each from the phrase "Will you marry me?" on four garden markers.

- Sneak into her home or office armed with rose petals. In the biggest letters space will allow, spell out, "Will You Marry Me?"

Awww, So Sweet!

- If it's cold and snowy, build a snowman and set the ring box in his stick arms.Propose in a different language, or lots of different languages -- starting with French, the language of love.

- Buy a baby animal that she has always wanted (bunny, kitten, puppy) and loosely tie the ring around its neck. Make a commitment to the pet and each other. Or, substitute a stuffed animal -- still fuzzy, but less maintenance!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Babe of the Day: Natasha Hamilton

An Idiot's Guide to Woman-Management (Part 1 of 3)

Disclaimer: The following “Idiot’s Guide to Woman Management” is a sarcastic anecdote intended solely for enjoyment purposes. The author of this essay, while having slanderous intentions, must remind you that by abiding by the rules in the following article, men may be subject to any of the following: injury to the groin area, restriction orders, towing at the owner’s expense, sudden loss of clothing/hair, ostracism, lack of sexual activity, nose bleeds, violent diarrhea, legal indictment, death by impalement or le guillotine, or at minimum, divorce.

Before you begin reading, notify your local law enforcement agency, grab a beer, and tell your girlfriend, wife or concubine to get the fuck outta the room.

You’re doing man stuff now.

Haiku for the Ladies

If I may say soYou're all insane and luckythat you have a twat

An Idiot’s Guide to Woman Management

Throughout all of his existence, man has longed to understand the ways of the universe. Out of all of the time and energy spent trying to unlock mysteries of God and universe, it was not until recently that I have been able to figure out an especially intricate riddle: the woman. Why are you so fortunate, you ask? Good question.

It was not by divine intervention or some fancy hypnosis. No, I have devoted the last twenty years of my life to studying the woman. I have poured over magazine articles, slept with many women, and even observed them in their natural habitat: the shopping mall. Through a rigorous trial-and-error process, I studied many a woman and came to find how their mind works (or doesn’t work). By understanding a woman’s psyche, I now have the ability to know what they want, something previously deemed impossible. As a result of these years of study and perseverance, I devised the following detailed strategy of attracting, capturing, handling, and taming the elusive beast…ahem, woman.

Part I:What Women Really Want is Money and a Big Dick

If you go to any public event, you’ll see an unattractive man with a beautiful woman just about everywhere you look. Why does this happen? Do these men know something all men don’t? No, you see, there is only one reason: these men have a great deal of money. Parallel your finances with an artery. In this metaphor, then, women are comparable to blood-sucking vampire bats that can never have enough blood until your vein is dry, your heart stopped, your body rotted and decayed, and your agony has seeped into every crevice of your soul.

Well, back to the point. The men that best make it known that they have money are the most successful with women. The optimum way to do that is to grab a hundred-dollar bill and wipe it over your suit. The bill produces an irresistible scent that will attract even married women.

Besides money, the most influential elements in enticing a female are a big dick and hygiene. You either have a big dick or you don’t. If you don’t, I don’t know what to tell you. Make more money, I guess? Hygiene, however, you can control. It encompasses everything from the way your hair looks, down to your toenails; remember that all aspects are important. Although your hair and your toenails may be of different colors and shapes, there is a constant you can use while grooming your appearance: Be. Masculine. Approaches to appearance include the lumberjack, the pirate (yar!), and the retired rock star look. These appeal to most females because, generally, women prefer hairy, unorganized men. A neat, well-shaven man looks exceedingly feminine and essentially the woman thinks that he is unable to control her.

Important: Do not spend more than two minutes a day on your physical appearance; after all, it is a woman’s moral obligation (as the Bible states) to look good for you. If you are unable to abide by the two-minute rule, buy a fucking stopwatch. As long as you abide by this rule, urinate on trees, or have an abundant amount of money, you should attract any woman within a 5-mile radius, even with a small penis.

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a tad. Money, a big donkey dick, and hygiene can only get you so far. There are, of course, several other aspects you must perfect in order to attract a woman. Your vocabulary is important. For instance, a proper greeting for a woman would be: “Hey bitch, let’s go back to my pad and I’ll oil you up while I procreate all over your face?” Notice the word “procreate.” That’s a twenty-five cent word! And guess what. Women are impressed with anything over a nickel. Bear in mind that different women expect different amounts of intelligence. Generally, however, impressing a woman is as easy as talking about lawn care, things you find wrong with her appearance, or a golf match.

Guantanamo: The US Gulag

THE American prison camp at Guantanamo Bay is on the southeast corner of Cuba, a sliver of land the United States has occupied since 1903. Long ago, it was irrigated from lakes on the other side of the island, but Cuban President Fidel Castro cut off the water supply years ago.

So today, Guantanamo produces its own water from a 30 year-old desalination plant. The water has a distinct yellow tint. All Americans drink bottled water imported by the planeload. Until recently, prisoners drank the yellow water.

The prison overlooks the sea, but the ocean cannot be seen by prisoners. Guard towers and stadium lights loom along the perimeter. On my last visit, we were escorted by young, solemn military guards whose nameplates on their shirts were taped over so that prisoners could not identify them.

Very few outsiders are allowed to see the prisoners. The government has orchestrated some carefully controlled tours for the media and members of Congress, but has repeatedly refused to allow these visitors, representatives of the United Nations, human rights groups or nonmilitary doctors and psychiatrists to meet or speak with prisoners. So far, the only outsiders who have done so are representatives of the International Committee of the Red Cross — who are prohibited by their own rules from disclosing what they find — and lawyers for the prisoners.

I am one of those lawyers. I represent six Kuwaiti prisoners, each of whom has now spent nearly four years at Guantanamo. It took me 2 1/2 years to gain access to my clients, but now I have visited the prison camp 11 times in the last 14 months. What I have witnessed is a cruel and eerie netherworld of concrete and barbed wire that has become a daily nightmare for the nearly 500 people swept up after 9/11 who have been imprisoned without charges or trial for more than four years. It is truly our American gulag.

On my most recent trip three weeks ago, after signing a log sheet and submitting our bags to a search, my colleagues and I were taken through two tall, steel-mesh gates into the interior of the prison camp.

We interviewed our clients in Camp Echo, one of several camps where prisoners are interrogated. We entered a room about 13 feet square and divided in half by a wall of thick steel mesh. On one side was a table where the prisoner would sit for our interviews, his feet shackled to a steel eyelet cemented to the floor. On the other side were a shower and a cell just like the ones in which prisoners are ordinarily confined. In their cells, prisoners sleep on a metal shelf against the wall, which is flanked by a toilet and sink. They are allowed a thin foam mattress and a gray cotton blanket.

The Pentagon’s files on the six Kuwaiti prisoners we represent reveal that none was captured on a battlefield or accused of engaging in hostilities against the US. The prisoners claim that they were taken into custody by Pakistani and Afghan warlords and turned over to the US for bounties ranging from $5,000 to $25,000 — a claim confirmed by American news reports. We have obtained copies of bounty leaflets distributed in Afghanistan and Pakistan by US forces promising rewards “enough to feed your family for life” — for any “Arab terrorist” handed over.

The files include only the flimsiest accusations or hearsay that would never stand up in court. The file on one prisoner indicated that he had been seen talking to two suspected Al Qaeda members on the same day — at places thousands of miles apart. The primary “evidence” against another was that he was captured wearing a particular Casio watch, “which many terrorists wear.” Oddly, the same watch was being worn by the US military chaplain, a Muslim, at Guantanamo.

When I first met my clients, they had not seen or spoken with their families for more than three years, and they had been questioned hundreds of times. Several were suspicious of us; they told me that they had been interrogated by people who claimed to be their lawyers but who turned out not to be. So we had DVDs made, on which members of their families told them who we were and that we could be trusted. Several cried on seeing their families for the first time in years. One had become a father since he was detained and had never before seen his child. One noticed his father was not on the DVD, and we had to tell him that his father had died.

Most prisoners are kept apart, although some can communicate through the steel mesh or concrete walls that separate their cells. They exercise alone, some only at night. They had not seen sunlight for months - an especially cruel tactic in a tropical climate. One prisoner told me, “I have spent almost every moment of the last three years, and eaten every meal, here in this small cell which is my bathroom.” Other than the Holy Quran, prisoners had noth ing to read. As a result of our protests, some have been given books.

Every prisoner I’ve interviewed claims to have been badly beaten and subjected to treatment that only could be called torture, by Americans, from the first day of US captivity in Pakistan and Afghanistan. They said they were hung by their wrists and beaten, hung by their ankles and beaten, stripped naked and paraded before female guards, and given electric shocks. At least three claimed to have been beaten again upon arrival in Guantanamo. One of my clients, Fayiz Al Kandari, now 27, said his ribs were broken during an interrogation in Pakistan. I felt the indentation in his ribs. “Beat me all you want, just give me a hearing,” he said he told his interrogators.

Another prisoner, Fawzi Al Odah, 25, is a teacher who left Kuwait City in 2001 to work in Afghan, then Pakistani, schools. After 9/11, he and four other Kuwaitis were invited to dinner by a Pakistani tribal leader and then sold by him into captivity, according to their accounts, later confirmed by Newsweek and ABC News.

On Aug. 8, 2005, Fawzi, in desperation, went on a hunger strike to assert his innocence and to protest against being imprisoned for four years without charges. He said he wanted to defend himself against any accusations, or die. He told me that he had heard US congressmen had returned from tours of Guantanamo saying that it was a Caribbean resort with great food. “If I eat, I condone these lies,” Fawzi said.

At the end of August, after Fawzi fainted in his cell, guards began to force-feed him through tubes pushed up his nose into his stomach. At first, the tubes were inserted for each feeding and then removed afterward. Fawzi told me that this was very painful. When he tried to pull out the tubes, he was strapped onto a stretcher with his head held by many guards, which was even more painful.

By mid-September, the forcefeeding had been made more humane. Feeding tubes were left in and the formula pumped in. Still, when I saw Fawzi, a tube was protruding from his nose. Drops of blood dripped as we talked. He dabbed at it with a napkin.

We asked for Fawzi’s medical records so we could monitor his weight and his health. Denied. The only way we could learn how Fawzi was doing was to visit him each month, which we did. When we visited him in November, his weight had dropped from 140 pounds to 98 pounds. Specialists in enteral feeding advised us that the continued drop in his weight and other signs indicated that the feeding was being conducted incompetently. We asked that Fawzi be transferred to a hospital. Again, the government refused.

When we saw Fawzi in December, his weight had stabilized at about 110 pounds. The formulas had been changed, and he was being force-fed by medical personnel rather than by guards.

When I met Fawzi three weeks ago, the tubes were out of his nose. I told him I was thankful that after five months he had ended his hunger strike. He looked at me sadly and said, “They tortured us to make us stop.” At first, he said, they punished him by taking away his “comfort items” one by one: his blanket, his towel, his long pants, his shoes. They then put him in isolation. When this failed to persuade him to end the hunger strike, he said, an officer came to him on Jan. 9 to announce that any detainee who refused to eat would be forced onto “the chair.” The officer warned that recalcitrant prisoners would be strapped into a steel device that pulled their heads back, and that the tubes would be forced in and wrenched out for each feeding. “We’re going to break this hunger strike,” the officer told him.

After less than two weeks of this treatment, the strike was over. Of the more than 80 strikers at the end of December, Fawzi said only three or four were holding out. As a result of the strike, however, prisoners are now getting a meager ration of bottled water.

The government continues to deny that there is any injustice at Guantanamo. But I know the truth.

—Dawn/Los Angeles Times Service The writer is a partner at Shearman & Sterling, which has been representing Kuwaiti prisoners in Guantanamo since early 2002.

Jessica Simpson: Dumb Moments

“I think there's a difference between ditzy and dumb. Dumb is just not knowing. Ditzy is having the courage to ask!”

“I respect knowledge of the psyche. I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer.”

“At school my boobs were bigger than all my friends' and I was afraid to show them. Now, I feel they make my outfits look better. They're like an accessory.”

“On my first day of Jr. High I was in Geography class, and the teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. And I was sooo excited. I was like, Damnit! It's my first day of 7th grade, Im in jr high and i know this answer. So i raised my hand I was the first one and I said A-E-I-O-U!”

“Jessica: Ooh I love this scent.Friend: What is it?Jessica: Ah...oh, it's unscented.”

“Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.'”

Strange Afflictions

From excess digits to errant hands, extreme hairiness to disappearing penises, there is no end of strange ailments afflicting humanity. Some are serious, others are downright bizarre. Here are some fascinating, odd and mercifully rare conditions that can affect our bodies and brains:

FOREIGN ACCENT SYNDROME

Imagine suddenly putting on a convincing French accent. Or Scottish. Or Italian. It sounds like fun, but it's no joke for the victims of Foreign Accent Syndrome, which can set in after strokes or other brain trauma. Without warning, they'll start speaking their native tongue with a different accent, which could sound anything from Swedish to South African. Victims need never have heard the accent in question, according to Oxford University researchers Dr Jennifer Gurd and Dr John Coleman, who believe it arises from damage to areas of the brain responsible for language production, altering pitch, pronunciation and speech patterns. So people with the syndrome aren't putting on a foreign accent, it just sounds that way. More Strange Afflictions[via]