4. WHAT MILEY CYRUS WAS TRYING TO DO: Appear mysteriously. Britney achieved this with dramatic music and a giant spider-looking thing that turned around to reveal her literal “not so innocent” self.

5. WHAT MILEY CYRUS ACTUALLY DID: Miley came out of a monkey’s chest.

6. WHAT MILEY CYRUS WAS TRYING TO DO: She was trying to have her “I’m a grown woman!” moment. Britney achieved this with a sexy and sparkly striptease. She also wore a fedora and one of those cordless pop music microphones.