Case Number 06023: Small Claims Court

ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID

The Charge

The Case

Theme Song by Judge Patrick Naugle, hummed to the tune of
"Gilligan's Island"

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale A tale of a fateful
trip That started from a tropic port, Aboard a run down ship

The mate was a mighty sailin' man With stubble dark and true A
few passengers set sail that day To find the blood orchid's bloom, the
blood orchid's bloom.

The anacondas began to attack The people were swallowed whole If
not for the courage of a few good mates The hot girls would be lost, the
hot girls would be lost.

The ship took ground on the shore of this dangerous jungle isle (Borneo!) With the horny guy, the grungy Captain too, A conniving scientist, and
his assistant, The ethnic first mate, the snotty hot girl and jokester,
too Here on 'Anaconda Isle.'"

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid is a full-throttle B-movie
that's running on only fumes. The original Anaconda was cheesy,
predictable, and full of computer generated effects straight out of a second
rate Playstation video game. It was also very entertaining, due mostly to the
better-than-average cast of then up-and-coming talent, including booty shaker
Jennifer "J-Lo" Lopez (The Wedding Planner), slacker Owen
Wilson (Behind Enemy Lines), tough guy Ice Cube (Friday After
Next), and veteran character actor/ Angelina Jolie's dad Jon Voight
(Midnight Cowboy).

In Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, we get a lot of new
faces, but none of them much matter. The snakes have gotten slightly bigger, yet
the effects are only slightly worse than the original film's. If you haven't
guessed it by now, this tepid sequel is a notch down from the original, which
itself was really a notch down from most monster movies. If you ask me, when you
make a movie about giant sharks, snakes, or spiders, it should almost
never be rated PG-13. Alas, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood
Orchid doesn't adhere to this rule and suffers because of it. Where's the
gore? Where's the gross stuff? Sigh.

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, like its predecessor, is
concerned about serving up good-looking actors as snake breakfast.
Unfortunately, the talent here is about on par with a very good made-for-cable
movie. The only familiar face is Morris Chestnut, an actor who has previously
appeared in better movies, and will no doubt do so in the future. Anacondas:
The Hunt for the Blood Orchid feels like a weigh station for the actor to
pay his rent and electric bills while looking for a movie with real depth and
meaning. The rest of the cast is made up of attractive talent idling in mediocre
writing. Hunk Johnny Messner plays a hard living boat captain with a voice that
sounds as if he's been gargling bowls of gravel between meals. KaDee Strickland
(The Grudge) and Salli Richardson (Biker Boyz) play the requisite
babes who spend much of the film either A.) screaming, B.) swimming or C.)
screaming and swimming while swimming from a screeching snake. The worst of the
lot is Eugene Byrd (8 Mile) as one of the must annoying, hyperactive
characters to grace the screen in a long time -- I was cheering for the snake to
eat him, regurgitate him, then eat him again for good measure.

But you don't go to a movie called Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood
Orchid for thespian merits. Most of you will be looking for big, slimy,
man-eating snakes the size of an underwater pipeline. While there's some pretty
mean-looking snakes in this movie, they're not nearly as fun as the original's
enormous anaconda. They're big and slimy all right, but they just don't have the
menace that makes a giant snake truly terrifying. Anacondas: The Hunt for the
Blood Orchid was shot on a smaller budget than the original film, and it
often feels like it -- director Dwight Little (who also made the forgettable
sequel Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers) shoots a lot of reaction
shots, most of which come from a little screeching monkey that I was rooting to
become snake poop.

When it's all said and done, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
is a mostly forgettable time waster that is mildly entertaining at best. A few
people are eaten and regurgitated by the snakes, and the women are pretty good
looking. So, if the filmmakers were shooting for putting hot females and snake
vomit on the screen, they did their job well. Otherwise, this monster movie is a
well worn cliché without much pizzazz.

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid is presented in its original
aspect ratio of 2.40:1 anamorphic widescreen. I can't say I am overly impressed
with this transfer -- there were more than a few scenes that appeared murky and
dark to my discerning eye. The colors are generally bright and bold (lots of
browns and greens) while the black levels are sometimes sharply rendered. This
transfer is passable, but a little sub-par considering Sony's work in the past.
A full frame version of the film is also included on this disc, but who
cares?

The soundtrack is presented in Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround in both English
and French. I have to say that this sound mix is very good. There are many
instances where the front and rear speakers are engaged fully with snake hissing
and monkey cries coming from all six speakers. The music, dialogue, and effects
are all in good shape without any hiss or distortion. Also included on this disc
are English and French subtitles.

The extra features on Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid are,
not surprisingly, minimal. The best is pretty short a making-of featurette that
includes some info on the special effects, behind-the-scenes footage, and
interviews with director Dwight Little, actors Morris Chestnut and Salli
Richardson, and others. Also included are a few brief deleted scenes presented
in non-anamorphic widescreen, and previews for upcoming Sony films/DVDs.