S.N.D.
It almost scares me how easy it is for me to still speak your name despite the fear and the hurt that has so strongly been associated with it over the past two years of my life. They have become almost synonymous. When I think of the time I was hurt the most, I think of you. You absolutely shattered me. You took and took and took little pieces of me until there was nothing left but the pieces that no one could ever possibly want. But when I think of the most beautiful time of my life, I also think of you. You see, you came into my life at a point when I was still trying to figure out who I was. I had not experienced much as an individual. I didn’t know the amount of heartache I would be putting myself through when I first found the courage to let myself take the fall. I didn’t know what I was doing. All I knew was that my heart beat for you. I would’ve done anything just to make you happy.

But somewhere along the way you decided that wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. How I wish that we could’ve just been ENOUGH. I know it’s a lot to ask for; we were so young. No idea what we were doing or what lie ahead of us, just falling headfirst, trying to find a love that was nowhere to be found. We started jumping to conclusions, making assumptions, and just like that, we hit rock bottom. You were a tornado and I was an earthquake and together we were a catastrophic storm that destroyed everything and everyone in our wake. Looking at the bigger picture, you and I weren’t the only ones who suffered from our attempt to fix the unfixable. Your friends and my friends got hurt because we were too blind and immature to see the truth and to let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. We should’ve let go a long time ago. I should’ve let go a long time ago. You should’ve ran when you had a chance. You should have ran for the hills the minute you knew just how much I loved you. Because now it is nearly impossible for me to let you go. BUT that does not mean I will not TRY.

The first time we ended, I could’ve sworn the ground was shaking beneath my feet and that the earth was going to split in two. I was a mess. Then what I had deemed as fate brought us back together. But sometimes just because you are able to give things a second chance doesn’t mean you should. Some broken things are meant to stay broken, because once repaired, they will cease to be exactly the same. And I didn’t know that. I wish I had known.

The next couple times things went south with us, I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, because I did. Some small part of me had hope that you could change, and that we could have the happily ever after that we had once talked about. Moving to florida, getting out of this town that we hated so much; having a place of our own. Adopting dogs. Being a family for each other because our families never really cared for us. You must’ve changed your mind somewhere along the way, and that’s okay. I know that was a childish dream to have. But that’s just it. I was a child then. I was merely sixteen when we made these plans, and now I know better. Happily ever after can’t exist if you are not happy.

I am not here to put the blame on anyone, because we both played an equal part in everything that went down. While we never originally had the intention of hurting each other, it turned into a game of Love roulette. It’s like we were competing to see who could hurt the other more. I don’t know if it was our quick tempers, or our stubbornness that pushed us over the edge. But what I do know is that unfaithfulness is what planted the seed of destruction in the first place. You hurt me, I hurt you. All of this wasted time was unnecessary. I guess we never will learn how to listen to the warning signs.

I wouldn’t take back anything that happened. I wouldn’t take my the ‘I love you’s’, the sneaking out, or the amazing trips we took. I would not take back the tears, the fights, the betrayal, or the heartbreak. Because all those things taught me valuable lessons. I learned that it’s okay to love someone even though you are afraid. I learned that people are not always honest and that you cannot expect the same respect from someone that you give them. I learned that sometimes, you need to let people go even if your hand trembles and your voice shakes because the thought of living life without them would be unbearable. I learned that Just because I will always love you, doesn’t mean I have to keep you in my life.

Today marks a new era. Today I decide that My feelings do matter. I matter. And I will never again let someone trample over me the way you did. I will miss you deeply, but please. Do me a favor and never come back. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved and to love with a love that consumes me. It may have taken me all this time but I finally understand that I cannot get that from you.

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Letter To My Ex is run by journalist and blogger Rachel Smith. Write a letter of your own, read thousands of letters from all over the world or check out the latest on the blog, where we touch on everything to do with break-ups, exes, single life, dating and relationships in general.
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