Max : I'm sorry. Part of my RA job is to plan the resident's annual Galileo party. It's this weekend, I've been trying to find a place for weeks. The Deutsche Hause was my last hope.

Casey : I didn't know engineers had theme parties too.

Max : Yeah... just this one. But, who cares, it's not important, other things are important. I'll figure something out.

Casey : Of course you will, that's why you're a genius. If you can understand that book, you can plan a party. Wait. Party planner. I'm gonna put that on my career shortlist.

Max : But you're an English major.

Casey : I am, but unlike your major, it doesn't come with a built-in career path. Everyone speaks English, which is why, I was thinking, this might serve as a stepping stone to something else.

Max : Like... Publishing?

Casey : No! A job at Nationals. I have to go to this convention. So I thought if I have to be dragged away from spending the weekend with you, which is all I really wanna do, the least I could do is make the best of it. Use this weekend for a little networking. I have to do something after graduation.

Max : You could do anything... because you're amazing.

KT HOUSE – Living room

Rusty : Once the candy hits the soda, everybody needs to stand back.

Capppie : Waiting will make it all the sweeter. Ah, good afternoon. Refreshing mint... officer? Sergeant at arms? Commandant?

Man : Fire marshal. Just doing the rounds to make sure all the houses are up to code.

Capppie : We might as well keep moving because when it comes to codes, the Kappa Taus have them covered. From Morse to Da Vinci.

Man : There's your first violation, right there. There's your second.

Credits

KT HOUSE – Hallway

Capppie : Good afternoon, miss. Can I interest you in a gently used blow-up doll?

Girl : That's so disgusting.

Rusty : How about a nice throw rug? It's lightly stained, which really just gives it the nice, antique feel.

Girl : No... I'm only...

Rusty : Are you in the market for... a wig made of human hair?

Girl : I'm on my way to class, and I just have to use the bathroom.

Capppie : Well, in that case, it'll be 25 cents, cash only. Dammit! It's been five hours and zero sales.

Ben Bennett : What about the Tri-Pi that paid me $3 to shave her initials in my chest?

Capppie : Thank you, pledge. No. Let's talk about something important. Heath, put the beer down. Beer's for closers only. I said put the beer down! It's ABC. Always Be Closing. Now, you've gotta sell, or you hit the bricks. Or, in this case, we all hit the bricks! Because that son of a bitch fire marshal gave us 30 days to fix all eight of our violations. And to bring our sprinkler system to code. And it's gonna cost us, so we've got to sell.

Rusty : Are we gonna lose the house, Cap?

Capppie : No ! All we gotta do is raise six grand really, really, fast.

ZBZ HOUSE – Frannie’s room

Evan : Don't get me wrong, you look amazing, but is that gonna be comfortable on a plane?

Frannie : Where did dressing for comfort ever get anyone? I dress the way I want people to see me. Even on a plane. And definitely when I'm at the ZBZ convention.

Evan : You are going to outshine everyone there, anyway.

Frannie : I know. Evan, I'm not one of those needy girls who requires support and encouragement to prop me up. But I appreciate the thought. We need to go! Don't forget to RSVP to the Dean's Spring reception. It's a real honor we've been invited.

Evan : Yes, dear.

DEAN’S SPRING RECEPTION

Casey : Who knew there were so many different shades of pink?

Ashleigh : I know! I love it! Don't love that.

Casey : What?

Ashleigh : How much does it suck that she got to be here, just 'cause she's pledge educator.

Casey : No sucking. I'm here to impress Nationals, and since Frannie is persona non grata with them she can't touch me. Now, where's Tegan? She's number one on my ass-kissing list.

Ashleigh : I'm not leaving this convention without a summer internship. And I'm not leaving without one of those ZBZ beverage cozies. And bookmarks! They're free!

Lizzie : Casey Cartwright?! As I live and ZB breathe. Come here. I'm so happy to see you! Here, in the folds of sisterhood.

Casey : I was hoping to say hi, talk to her about a summer internship. But maybe I'll wait until she's in a better mood.

Lizzie : Good luck with that.

CRU – Dale et Rusty’s room

Max : Mind if I come in?

Dale : Yes?

Max : I can't find anywhere to hold the Galileo party on campus, so I'm just letting everyone know it's canceled. I'm sorry.

Dale : G-darn it! This campus has endless available locations for undeserving, pervedted students that want to act inappropriately, but when a group of elite academics want to blow off some steam, while debunking Aristotelian physics, everything's booked up? I call bull-hinky.

Max : Nobody wants to let us drop objects off the roof. Liability.

Dale : Did you tell them the Leaning Tower of Pisa didn't have a problem with Galileo doing that?

Max : No.

Dale : Well, nice negotiating skills.

Rusty : I know who'd let us drop things off the roof. The Kappa Taus. We need the money to fix our sprinkler system.

Dale : Rusty, I don't think Galileo Galilei would approve of his theories being evoked in such an unsanitary environment.

Max : Galileo lived during the Renaissance. People avoided bathing for fear it'd wash away their spirits, so cleanliness wasn't really a priority.

Dale : Unsanitary environment would add an air of authenticity to the proceedings. Know what? I'm not gonna shower till after the party to keep it real. 'Cause that's science.

Rusty : What do you think?

Max : I think you should shower. Kappa Tau? Great idea, considering we have no other options.

Dale : Oh, yeah. I'm gettin' there.

DEAN’S SPRING RECEPTION

Lizzie : I'm sorry, Madam President.

ZBZ President : It's OK, Lizzie. OK. Thank you. Greetings, sisters. My name is Mary-Beth Gentrie-Manning, and I am proud to call myself Grand National President of Zeta Beta Zeta.

All : Greetings Madam President.

ZBZ President : Please stand for the processional of the Grand Council.

All (singing) : Over the years I sing

Ashleigh : The first processional occurred in 1876, as a way to honor the nation's centennial. Someone even played a fife. Isn't that awesome?

Casey : And scary, that you know that.

Ashleigh : I read about it in Zeta Beta Zeta: A History in Words and Pictures. Ever since I became a tour guide, I have a new appreciation for history. Like... Mary-Beth Gentrie-Manning. She grew up next door to Katie Couric's mom. See? History, so juicy.

ZBZ President : Of course, we're here today to feel that unique magic that is sisterhood. We can feel it in the warmth of a ZBZ smile that greet us after a long day of traveling to get here. From as far away as California or Phoenix. But that special ZBZ magic expresses itself elsewhere too. In our National by-laws. And so... At every convention, we open up the floor to our sisters. To offer an open forum to any sister who wants to suggest legislative change.

ZBZ Girl : I formally propose that we change the official ZBZ anthem from “Our sisters, ourselves”, to “Oh, sister, my sister”. Our current anthem belongs in a funeral and I, for one, am not dead yet.

ZBZ President : Proposal duly noted. Yes !

ZBZ Girl : And, once again, I beg you all to reconsider the shamefully superficial rush standards that our chapters use. Instead of the prettiest girls with the best clothes, we should aim for inner beauty.

Frannie : I have one. I move to overturn rule 16-A, which states that removal from office precludes the removed party from ever seeking that office again.

Casey : I can't believe this!

Ashleigh : I know! “Our Sisters, ourselves” has been the ZBZ anthem for over a hundred years!

A few minutes later...

Casey : You created me. You can destroy me. Is that the game we're playing?

Frannie : No game, Case, it's simple. I want to be president again. I think I deserve to be and you don't, if you're this clueless about how the system works.

Casey : Clueless? Please. I know you can introduce whatever legislation you want, but it's a battle to get it passed. That legislation will get passed over my dead, cute, body! Is it an uphill battle to get legislation passed? Is it? I need to know because I just said that it was.

Lizzie : What, Casey?

Casey : I need to stop Frannie from getting that ban overturned. I cannot face that barracuda in an election. She taught me everything I know, she probably held back the good stuff for herself.

Lizzie : Get a hold of yourself!

Casey : I'm sorry.

Lizzie : I know better than to handle a sister roughly. It's just, I sat Miss Eastern Ohio'65 next to Miss Eastern Ohio'67 during the processional. Well, who knew that'67 slept with'65's husband at the'69 pageant? Not me! I'm no help to Te Te unless I anticipate. Bad Lizzi, bad! I'm afraid there's only so much you can do. Grand Council votes on every proposed amendment at the end of the convention in a closed-door session. So, if four out of the seven members vote to overturn the ban, it's a done deal.

Casey : I have got two days to convince the council to vote against Frannie?

Lizzie : It'll take some serious lobbying. Go ZBZ!

KT HOUSE – Living room

Rusty : Hey, guys. Great news. We don't need to do the repairs ourselves. My dorm will pay us to have our annual Galileo party here this weekend.

Cappie : Really?

Rusty : My RA, Max is in charge. He's completely on board. And you'll finally get to hang out with him, he's so cool.

Cappie : Yeah, well, Honors engineering is the very definition of cool.

Rusty : And that's just the beginning. We keep renting out the house for party until we have everything paid off.

Cappie : So... we'd be an event hall of sorts. We can host weddings. I can get ordained on-line, it'd be a one-stop shop. Kappa Tau: Party Palace and Chapel of Love, featuring Father Cappie.

Beaver : How cool is that? Getting paid to do something we love. It'd be like getting paid to have sex! What are hookers complaing about?

Rusty : Just keep in mind, guys, this will not be a Kappa Tau party tomorrow night, though. These are honors engineers. No booze, no hot chicks. Just robots.

Cappie : Listen. Even if it's the lamest party in the history of the Kappa Tau house, at least there will still be a KT house.

Cappie : Yes, but come on, she looks like she's late for a hobbit wedding.

Ben Bennett : She's still pretty hot.

Cappie : These guys are sensitive to sugar.

Max : It's not sugar. It's ADJ.

Cappie : Spitter? Translation?

Max : The punch? Aerosol Death Juice. Homemade from a special fermentation process developed by some of our chemical engineers to maximize efficient inebriation.

Rusty : Translation. The punch...

Cappie : No translation needed. So it's like a wine spritzer of sorts? Well, if it becomes need be, the KTs have a fool proof hangover cure developed by some of our chemical dependents that cuts headache duration in half.

Dale : I may have underestimated these KTs. It was pretty nice of them to provide a nonalcoholic beverage option for us teetotalers. Right? And this... This punch is really thirst-quenching... too, I find. It's funny, I thought I was gettin' a sore throat, but now I just feel kinda tingly. All over. Should we make out?

DEAN’S SPRING RECEPTION

Old ZBZ Woman : And now, sisters, please open to page 37 of your song-book, and join me in the ZBZ friendship song : Appreciate the Pink.

Casey : I have a great idea. If you'll guarantee me your support in tomorrow's Council vote, I will personally bring CRU's top ten ZBZ sisters to your alma mater to act as Rush coaches.

ZBZ Woman : Dear, that sounds wonderful. You have my vote.

Casey : Great! Now, will you excuse me?

Paula : Let me get that for you.

Casey : Thanks.

Paula : Hi. I'm Paula.

Casey : I’m Casey.

Paula : Working the room, I see.

Casey : Only way to get things done.

Paula : It is indeed. I'll leave you to it.

Frannie : I wouldn't waste your time on Bunchie. She just promised me her vote. My whole redemption spiel really resonated with her as a born-again.

Old ZBZ Woman : Now, let's wrap this up with the Sisterhood solidarity song: I Will Never Betray My Dear Sister.

DOBLERS

Brianna : I told him not to cut it too short, but he didn't listen. I think it makes my face look fat.

Evan : Are you kidding? No, you look great.

Brianna : Really? You are so sweet. And you look pretty great yourself.

Evan : Thank you.

Calvin : So, what's your major, Brianna?

Brianna : I'm Brianna. She's Alanna.

Evan : She's Alanna, and she's Brianna.

Brianna : I'm Brianna, and she's Alanna.

Calvin : Oh right.

Brianna : We're gonna go to the bathroom.

Evan : Ok. So Brianna has invited me to go back to her place. You mind if we take off?

Calvin : Hold on, man, what happened to harmless flirting?

Evan : Since when did you become a Frannie champion? Man, she's in Orlando.

Calvin : So what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Evan : No, Calvin. Calvijn Owens.We're in college. This is the one chance we have to follow our impulses, and we can do whatever we want and get away with it. College is about sowing wild oats. Not Pictionary and the Dean's receptions.

Calvin : The Dean's what?

Evan : Never mind.

KT HOUSE - Party

Tom (Plain White T’s) : We're done, Cap.

Cappie : This is nothing.

Tom (Plain White T’s) : Fame isn't worth it.

Dale : Come on, you rule, man. Come on.

Cappie : Pledge, will you get the nerd off the guys. I'm gonna handle things inside. How are they playing pool again? I confiscated all the cues.

Beaver : It's like they're Gremlins! Say my name in Elvish again?

Girl : Saralonde.

Beaver : I think I'm falling in love with you.

Girl : Le melon.

Cappie : Hey! What are you...? Get out of here! What are you, animals? Here, Heath. Take this and destroy it. Take Jeremy upstairs. Guard his tresses with your life. I'm shutting this party down.

Rusty : Cap’, hey ! Who knew this would be a legendary Kappa Tau party after all?

Cappie : The Kappa Tau house is a respectable establishment. Full of individuals who know how to hold their liquor, or at the very least how to dispose of it in the proper manner!

Max : I'm sorry. It does tend to get out of hand. That's why we couldn't find a place to hold it. You know that lecture hall in the Fine Arts building that was condemned? That was us. It was an unfortunate incident with a genetically-modified raccoon.

Cappie : It would have been nice to have that information in advance.

Rusty : Since when does a party getting out of hand bother you?

Max : I heard you were the biggest partier around. Casey said that's why you guys broke up.

Cappie : Casey? What do you know about Casey?

Max : She's my... We're dating.

Cappie : Your gal, Casey, knows of what she speaks. I don't know what got into me.

DEAN’S SPRING RECEPTION

Tegan (On phone) : Yes, Lizzi, I did tell you to cancel the Household Etiquette seminar, but if you had been smarter, you'd have anticipated that I would change my mind. And don't call me Tete. Hi, Casey. What's new? And I say new because it can't possibly be that you're eating the dead by-law horse again.

Casey : Actually, I had a few ideas for how to help you. Quid pro quo, remember? I can organize a recruiting drive for flailing houses. Hold a philanthropy...

Tegan : That is adorable. You must be great in Rush skits. But seriously, hon, you're not going to be able to find a quid for my quo. I take that back. If you can fulfill my wildest fantasy, and get rid of Lizzi, you've got yourself a deal.

Casey : Get rid of Lizie?

Tegan : Yeah. Convince that elfin little pipsqueak to hit the road.

Casey : You want me to... get Lizzi to quit?

Tegan : Well, I can't fire her. Her record is spotless. She's a "paragon of sisterly spirit." But I also cannot stand her constant effervescence and springy hair and... And I did not give you permission to call me by a nickname. So there you have it. You perform that miracle, and there might be a summer internship in it for you.

KT HOUSE - Party

Cappie : I don't get it, man. This is... this is just wrong. Those two just don't belong together. Men and nipples? Why? It's not like milk comes out of them.

Dale : Actually, some male infants have been known to excrete their mother's milk from their own nipples.

Cappie : We should be best friends. You know what? We are best friends. Cap'n'Dale.

Dale : These pants make my bottom itch.

Cappie : Maxi Pad...

Dale : I'm just gonna lay down for a minute.

Cappie : Bring it in.

DEAN’S SPRING RECEPTION

Waiter : Glass of chardonnay.

Woman : Thank you.

Casey : You must be really stressed out.

Lizzie : I'm... I'm weary. This year alone, I've consulted at 20 chapters, colonized 20 new ones, and I, personally, shepherded three sisters into rehab, one at the expense of my Tercel's upholstery. Do you think Tegan appreciates it?

Waiter : Here's your drink.

Lizzie : Thanks.

Casey : Lizzie, I hate to see you like this. Your natural effervescence is one of your most winning qualities. What a shame to have it so cruelly squelched.

Lizzie : I know. I used to love this job, but now...

Casey : You think, maybe, you should just quit?

Lizzie : Quit? ZBZ is my life.

Casey : Oh, I know. But... is it a happy life? Life is short, Lizzie. You're a talented, young-ish woman with a lot to offer, and you deserve to work for someone who appreciates you. Not some awful wench who badmouths you to everyone about using ivory dinner plates instead of cream.

Lizzie : She does that?

Casey : She did.

Lizzie : Thank you, Casey. I'm gonna go. And I'm going to tell Tegan exactly where to stick her ZBZ letters. Ivory and cream are the same damn color!

KT HOUSE – Living room

Rusty : Beav’. Beav’.

Beaver : I'm kind of busy here, Rus.

Rusty : Sorry, it's an emergency. Have you seen my roommate? I'm worried about him. Dark hair. Glasses. Members Only jacket.

Beaver : Your roommate? He's nuts. Last time I saw him, he was talking to himself in a mirror. Then he started making out with a pillow. Go away.

Rusty : Has anyone seen Dale?

Dale : Has anyone seen my pants? They're like... They're like jeans, but they're made of something else. It's like...

Guy : Hey, dude, what's up? You look awful.

Cappie : You've been avoiding me.

Rusty : Where's Dale?

Cappie : Not here. We're all alone.

Rusty : What's going on? What's up?

Cappie : I might ask the same of you. Tell me, is the rumor true?

Rusty : What rumor?

Cappie : In a blind taste test, do the Cartwright kids prefer Maxwell House over Folger's? When I say Maxwell House, I mean Max. And when I say Folger's, I mean Cappie.

Ashleigh : And miss the cutting of the Kitty Kat Cake? Ever since 1932, when flour was hard to come by during the Depression...

Casey : 'Night, Ash.

Paula : So, let me guess, getting things done again?

Casey : It's done.

Paula : You don't sound too happy.

Casey : Really? I thought I was so good at faking it.

Paula : I'm not good at faking it either. This morning Mary Beth Gentrie-Manning caught me rolling my eyes at the breakfast proclamation. I'm probably on some kind of list now.

Casey : Me too. The bad sisters list. I guess there's always something to compromise when you going after what you want.

Paula : That's true. I remember when I was president of my chapter. Having served that vaunted post, just like you, my dear, I know all about compromise. Back in the day, I had a friend who rushed ZBZ when I was president. She was a nice girl, smart. But not exactly "ZBZ material," as we say. But since she was an old friend, I...

Casey : Realized that loyalty and integrity were more important, than the image of the house, so you let her in.

Paula : I blackballed her.

Casey : I didn't see that coming.

Paula : Neither did she. She never spoke to me again. And you can bet I'd rather look back on myself the way you just described me. As someone with loyalty and integrity. Not to mention someone with the balls to stand up for her friend. But that's hard. Especially when you're young.

Casey : So I have the energy to fight. It's just better to fight smart, right? Why confront something head on when you can work around it? Play it safe?

Paula : Playing it safe is what you do when you're afraid. Let me tell you something else I wish I'd known when I was young... There are very few things worth being afraid of.

KT HOUSE – Living room

Cappie : What?

Pickle : They killed her, Cap.

Cappie : Killed who?

Pickle : Vesuvius.

Cappie : No. It's not fair. She was so strong.

Pickle : And now, thanks to them, she's dead.

Cappie : Come here, I know... I know.

Rusty : Where's the front door?

Pickle : Probably rotting in the ground with Vesuvius.

Cappie : Yep, I know.

Rusty : Man, I'm really sorry, guys.

Cappie : You OK? It's OK. Well, so much for Kappa Tau, Party Palace and Chapel of Love.

Dale : Hey, Rus? I'm a little disoriented right now. Know what happened to my clothes? Or why I woke up with this?

Rusty : Uh, you took a little too much sore throat medicine last night, Dale. It made you feel a little woozy.

Heath : That party was out of control. But the craziest thing was you showing up afterwards.

Calvin : Yeah, I plead temporary insanity on that one.

Heath : So you wish you hadn't come over?

Calvin : No! I'm glad I did.

Heath : So, uh, what now?

Calvin : I don't know. All I know is I'm in college, and I like to have fun, and I have fun with you.

Heath : But what about Michael?

DEAN’S SPRING RECEPTION

Casey : Open up, open up, open up!

Lizzie : Casey! Oh, you came to say goodbye! That's so sweet!

Casey : No! I came to say, "Stop packing." Stop packing and stop being afraid. It's time you and I faced things head on. Ash?

Ashleigh : It's time to get serious. And it starts with the hair.

Ext. CRU

Calvin : So... How was last night?

Evan : Oh, that. Yeah, nothing happened.

Calvin : Really? Nothing with Brianna?

Evan : No. I walked her home, and then went back to the house.

Calvin : Wait. So you didn't cheat on Frannie?

Evan : You know, I figure when you cheat on someone, you're just giving them a reason to dump you. And I still find Frannie intriguing. Not ready for her to dump me yet. Know what I mean?

Calvin : I guess.

DEAN’S SPRING RECEPTION

Lizzie : I don't know if i can do this. I'm not the kind of girls who disturbs when it says do not.

Casey : You perfectly coiffed. And rock on some seriously imposing lips. Now, you go in there and tell Tegan you're not quitting And from now on, she needs to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Lizzie : But if i stay, you lose Tegan's vote, and Frannie gonna get her way.

Casey : I'm not afraid anymore, Lizzi. Now, you get in there and start disturbing!

Tegan : Sorry, sister. Freezi?

Lizzie : I didn't give you permission to call me by a nickname. And i am not going anywhere, Te-Te!

Frannie : What do you so smiley about?

Casey : Sometimes, people smile when they're happy.

Frannie : By happy, do you mean deluded? Because my sources assure me that i got this vote locked up. Four to three.

Casey : Yes, this vote, you do. But the only vote i care about is for President and i am happy to have you challenge me for that, fair and square. Because i can not wait to kick your ass.

KT HOUSE – Living room

Pickle : Murderers.

Cappie : I don't know if you're welcome here.

Max : We came to help. These guys invented a DVR that detects and records any pornography playing anywhere in the world.

Max : I'm just saying they're geniuses. They can help get the house back into shape. Even fix your sprinkler system and the other violations. I brought you some of my patented hangover cure. It actually is patented.

Cappie : Thank you.

Max : OK, let's... You guys...

Rusty : Looks like we're home free.

Cappie : Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thanks to SuperMax.

Rusty : We would've figured something else out on our own.

Cappie : Yeah.

Rusty : But I have this other problem that I wanted to ask you about.

Cappie : Why don't you just go ask Max?

Rusty : Max would never be good at this. He's no good with girl problems.

Ashleigh : Oh, Nina. You better not lose my email. I will totally be there for your 30th anniversary party.

Paula : You are looking much more chipper than the last time I saw you.

Casey : I am chipper, thanks. And thanks for the advice.

Paula : I really enjoyed meeting you, Casey. You strike me as a young woman with a lot of potential. That's my contact information. If you find yourself in my neck of the woods, give me a call. You got that?

Casey : Thank you.

Lizzie : OK, ladies. Chins out, and down.

Casey : Bodies three-quarters-turned.

Lizzie : Excellent!

Casey : Paula Baker. Why does that sound familiar?

Ashleigh : Paula Baker. One of our most illustrious sisters. Ten-term Congresswoman from Maryland's 43rd district. Currently serving on the House Appropriations Committee.

Casey : Wow.

Ashleigh : I know. I told you history's fun.

Casey : So is politics. Maybe I shouldn't be limiting myself to just the sorority kind.

Lizzie : OK, girls, this is it! Big smiles all around. See you next time sisters!