Days, weeks, months, maybe years? I’m not sure how long it has been since I last made a blog post but it’s been awhile.

I want to update you on who I have become over time-lots of time.

Since the last time I blogged, I have become an avid chess player-almost to the point of addiction. I never considered myself to be easily addicted but I grew up with chess and wanted to continue to explore my ability to problem solve. So I play it, just about every single night. Not 1 game, but maybe 5-it really depends on whether I am losing or winning. I try not to get too cocky-when I see I am doing well, I take a break; sometimes. When I am losing, it is as if I have a stronger desire to win at least 1 game….then I tell myself I will go to bed, which I don’t. Viva Aljedrez!

I joined a pretty awesome group created by an online friend by the name of Vin. He added me because I can give 2 perspectives, and he thinks I’m awesome. I spend many mornings talking to him all the way in Australia. He is an adoptee who is currently struggling with obtaining an Australian passport because like many adoptees in the US, one is not really granted citizenship unless adoptive parents go through the proper channels to secure their adoptee’s status. So he is in this struggle with the government to claim what is rightfully his.

I still don’t have my citizenship, but I am excited when I can apply for it which should be pretty soon (I think May)-I will finally have what I should have received at age 4-a promise of a “better” life….that was a lie….but the truth is, I had a different life.

I have kept my distance from my adoptive siblings only because I’m so conflicted. I never felt part of them, I don’t know if they ever felt part of me. I was always so different, less interested in what society and how society expected me to become.

I have spent many nights crying.

I have not been faithful with my therapist and have neglected that aspect of my life; not because of money, but because…i really really really don’t think there is anyone who can help me. The more I talk about my issues, the more it makes me sad, so I have had to find different ways to express this sadness.

In November of 2018, I decided to write my life out a little bit each day. I posted my life on facebook and then turned my life into a journal and published it on lulu.com. Many people donated and I mailed them a copy-to be read in November, or whenever they see fit. That was a great accomplishment I am super proud of. My story is incredible, so “increible” that people have trouble believing it. I at times look back and think, “how the hell did I survive this?” And yet still I rise.

My daughter went to the Dominican Republic with my wife. She went to visit her family; her mom, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunt. She went to visit people who belong to her, who are part of her. Who are flesh of her flesh; something I will never pretend to be. She had to process a lot, it was as if she was going through a kind of reverse culture shock. It is not easy being ripped from your essence, to begin to form a new….what do they call it? Identity? Spirit? Soul?….i can’t find the right terminology. Maybe she will share it with me one day. I could not go. With this political climate, risking being “detained” was too high. But my daughter, she is a US Citizen, with all the rights in the world….rights that I should have had. Am I jealous? Yes. Am I envious? HELL NO. She didn’t choose this….the least I can do is acknowledge that.

Depression hits me like a red brick from a colonial like home during the cold. I don’t share my depression a lot with people. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. I can’t stand the pitying. It is not helpful. It is not even welcomed in my life. But depression is alive and well in my being. I can’t shake it. I try. I sometimes even pray…but i find prayer does absolutely nothing but acknowledge that depression is my truth-maybe that is the purpose of prayer…to acknowledge truth and suffering? Because sometimes, no one else believes you and you are left to your own self, wondering if you are alone….and if you are…are you lonely too?

I’m not lonely. I have an amazing wife, a great teen, a cute dog. I have people who love me and who care for me. I have people who sincerely want to know how I am doing. I have people who love me for me and wish not to change me. I just wish sometimes that some of those same people who want all those same things for me, are the same ones who will stand up for me when racism befalls me….like every day. I wish those people would be the ones who stand up for injustice. I wish those people would be the ones who will talk me off the ledge. I wish some of these people were not afraid to be sad and afraid alongside me. They don’t need to be strong “for” me….i want them to be all of these things….with me. Together, like a team.

My migraines began to take a turn for the worst so I had to see another neurologist who was able to prescribe some meds that prevent headaches which then have the tendency to lead to migraines. It is helping. It is also helping me a bit with depression. So those are positive things. When I don’t have to worry about my head wanting to come off my shoulders, I can be more productive.

I’ve been loving my job as a house/dorm parent. I love working with the kids. Getting to know them. Listening to them and holding them when they are sad, or angry. We recently created a Floor store where my students can use their floor money from their individual floor bank accounts and they can purchase items from the store. This helps teach them accountability, and organization. They also learn how to manage their accounts, see where they received and also lost money. It teaches them how to transfer money from one account to the next. They have been doing very well. They get money for things like a. clean room, b. leaving the dorm on time, c. making it to advisory on time, d. being respectful, e. having good grades…etc. They lose money for a. rude behavior, b. being late, c. dirty rooms, d. not respecting quiet hours or study hours etc. The students have learned how my floor runs and they feel secure and happy on it. They know they can reach out to me at any time. I will be adding some awesome new layers to what I do with the kids with the hope that they will become stronger and more independent.

I started dashing a couple months ago and I love it. I get to go and pick up orders and then deliver it to people. I find joy in doing this mainly because it allows me some alone time and I get to see the smiles on people’s faces. I love to see people smile. Thus far I have delivered 85 orders and that is pretty awesome in my opinion. I’d like to deliver 100 by spring break which is in march. Please root me on!

I have taken up Piano lessons with an amazing teacher but she is quite far so we have not had a chance to actually meet up in awhile. It is also a bit pricey but I really enjoy working with her. I also downloaded an app which gives me daily piano lessons and I have been really good at doing lessons each day. I have a lesson on Wednesday at my piano instructor’s church. She invited me to church this weekend and I was like “nope.” LOL…i don’t do the church thing.

I have been working on my pre-teen book and it has been pretty floppy lately. I want to kill off the main character who is a Haitian adoptee because I think she sucks….i need better character building so that is what I have been focusing on. As of right now, she can go Fuck Herself! LOL. I am actually done with Book 1 but I am wanting to rewrite the entire book. There are supposed to be 6 mini books…and im having trouble fully completing 1. Fuck me!

My teen turned 16. That’a all I have for this number. And…oh yeah…please shoot me in the head…round 2 should be easier but…nope!

I appreciate my readership. You guys motivate me to be a more proactive and better person. I’m going to end this blog here for now because it’s 1:32am and I have no idea what else to write and my meds are seriously kicking in….so…by for now.