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30. June 2014

LITTLE SAMMY ALITO'S NEW HOBBY

WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has a new hobby.

It consists of going into the Hobby Lobby store in Laurel, Maryland, in Prince George’s County (represented in Congress by Steny Hoyer, the second-highest ranking Democrat in the US House of
Representatives), and praising the Lord with David Green, who founded Hobby Lobby in 1972. Green, a billionaire, is the son of an Assemblies of God preacher. Hobby Lobby has 561 stores, staffed
primarily, doubtless, by women.

Mr. Green objected to provisions in the Affordable Care Act which require the provision of contraceptive services to female employees. Green based his objection to the ACA on his triumphalistic
Christian principles — — that is, he insists that everybody whom he can reach out and touch, in whatever manner, will rot in Hell if they don’t accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
The Green Family has donated $500 million to evangelical ministries, including $70 million to Oral Roberts University in Tulsa. All Hobby Lobby stores play “Christian Music” for the enjoyment of
their customers who are Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, and Native American. Justice Alito wrote the 5-4 decision in favor of Hobby Lobby, issued today.

As observed by a solitary reporter and Congressman Hoyer two hours ago, at the main entrance to the Laurel store, Alito and Green burst into an extremely out of tune rendition of the great
Protestant hymn, “How Great Thou Art,” but all the female employees of the store, sneering at Green and Alito, left the store en masse. Before they walked out on strike, they thanked
Representative Hoyer for supporting the Affordable Care Act in its entirety. But Alito vowed to continue doing everything possible to rule against President Obama. “It’s the most awesome hobby
I’ve ever had,” Alito, put on the Court by Bush Two, said.