Terrible Dirty Secret

I am surfing a toxic cocktail of fatigue, hormones, confusion and chocolate frosting, so let me forewarn you this could come out very badly. First, I have to express how much I admire and enjoy the many writers I follow who are so SMART and FUNNY and TALENTED it makes me sort of break open inside. You rock! And you take up too much of my time, but please don’t slow down on my account. Now, I wish I was a better person, or at least a more dishonest person, so I didn’t have to admit this terrible, dirty secret: there is a little part of me that resents how wonderful you are. Deeply. You don’t deserve that. Also, I know that I am a perfectly good writer, with moments of excellence and plenty of growth ahead (keep at it, wordtabulous! you can do it!) but there are those days–you know the ones, don’t you?–when it seems like anybody else’s achievement feels like an erosion of your own? When the gasp of appreciation of someone else is followed by a tiny, exhaled, I suck. This is SO petty I can barely live with myself.

I bring it up and out here where anyone can judge me because I don’t think I am alone. And there are things that can help a person get through this. One is time. We are all mentally and emotionally healthier some days than others; give things a day or two and know it will get better. Another is self-care. When your spirit is miserable, don’t forget that your body has needs too; drink water, eat healthy food, get a little exercise. A third is community. We need each other to lean upon and while taking a little quiet time is fine, hiding inside our own dark little hearts, watching crap TV and feeling rotten will only get you more of the same. Better to get out of yourself and find out what is going on with someone else, take a little Copernican Revolution and breathe the fresh air of a world where it isn’t all about you! Or me, as the case certainly was for about twenty minutes earlier today.

Please forgive me friends and colleagues, I respect and thank you for sharing your talent and look forward to reading more. And if you should ever, ever feel a teensy bit jealous of me, I would be so thrilled I cannot tell you.

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8 Comments

I am jealous of all the other amazing bloggers all the TIME. Why do they have to be so good? And it seems really, really effortless, doesn’t it? It’s a little crazy-making. It’s understandable. I bet even The Bloggess has her “OMG so much better than me” moments. I mean, she does, right? It’s how I get to sleep at night, anyway.

OK, so is that dirty little secret genetic or more likely typical of the female overachiever who only wants the best for everyone, including herself, but not at the expense of someone else?

And here’s another take – stopping something because you’re getting passed up – like no longer playing the piano because one certain sister just ROCKs at it. Or no longer trying to draw because a son comes at it so naturally. Or hesitant to write things down for fear another sister will see it as complete blather and useless. How long did I TRY to do scratch cakes because cooking from a box was so .. unwifely when only the box kind worked? (for me anyway – sometimes I just don’t have the talent.)

It appears ‘we’ share this dirty little secret, m’dear. You just happen to be brave enough to put it to words.

And by the way, keep doing so, you’re good at it. Take THAT you dirty little secret!

PS, I suppose this could be insecurity, or it could be unwilling to share the glory, such that bypassing the said activity takes care of both situations. That’s my coping mechanism, HOWEVER, I like yours better – recognizing it for what it is, but forging ahead anyway. You don’t miss out on life’s joys that way. Hmmm. maybe I need to go draw.

You ALL rock!!! You know, being old (at least for a Young) is not so bad! I love you all (even the bloggers I haven’t met). In fact, I am so full of love, sometimes I feel like I will explode! You are all so talented and have such great gifts. When you say things I believe and feel, but they are so much better than I could ever express–I am so proud of you and somehow don’t feel passed over or short of talent–just glad I caught it! It’s the prospective of age, of course. I finally have realized there is probably NOTHING I can do better than anyone else–but I can love and respect with the best of them!!!