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Coping with Breakup - Can you Get Back or Should you Move on?

A breakup is a confusing and painful experience to go through; sometimes it seems that things can never get better again while sometimes partners may be successful in bringing about a reconciliation. The tricky thing is of course to recognize when a relationship can be patched up and when it is beyond repair. So if you have suffered a similarly harrowing experience, consider if you can get back or should you cut your losses and move on.

What has changed?

First of all, think about what has changed so as to warrant your thoughts of patching up. For this it is necessary to go over the sources of conflict in your relationship which led to the breakup; ask yourself if the reasons are still present. For instance if it was your partner’s financial irresponsibility that caused you to breakup, see if he/she has changed on that account – has he/she been able to hold a job or paid off a credit card debt? On the other hand, if it was your own tendency to stray that led to the breakup, ask yourself honestly if you are now ready for true commitment to a relationship. Only when partners make genuine and consistent changes in their behavior, then a relationship has a realistic chance of reconciliation, otherwise it is better to go each his/her own way.

While sexual chemistry usually brings two people close, it is emotional bonding which helps them to stay together. A strong emotional attachment is evident when the partners love, trust and support each other, when they make sincere efforts to emotionally invest in the relationship and are not easily swayed by external distractions. Thus even though their relationship passes through ups and downs, usually the emotional attraction is enough to pull them through. On the other hand when emotional bonding is lacking in a relationship, there are more chances of a breakup leading to a permanent estrangement. This is because such partners are unable to find enough reasons to hold them together and once a breach occurs, they find it easier to move on instead of making efforts to patch up differences. So consider if you feel a sense of emotional belonging to each other – if yes, you may be able to get back despite a breakup but if no, then it may be better to move on.

How well you communicate with each other

A crucial resource in resolving issues in a relationship is effective communication. If two people are unable to communicate with each other without hurling accusations and resorting to verbal abuse, it is difficult to make a reconciliation work, no matter how sincere the intentions. Equally dangerous is to put up a wall of silence so as to bury deep-seated issues without resolving them first. On the contrary, if you and your partner are willing to listen actively, show empathy and understanding while also exchanging your feelings, anxieties and expectations, it is possible that even after a breach has occurred, you can find ways to get back together.

Do you share similar goals for the future?

Sharing similar goals and dreams for the future is one of the most important factors in deciding whether a breakup can be temporary or permanent. Widely diverging plans for the future can make it difficult for partners to remain together; for instance if your partner wishes for a boyfriend who is physically available most of the times, while you are ready to tour a lot so as to get ahead in your career, it could be difficult to find a meeting ground. Similarly if you are comfortable living a quiet life in the suburbs while your husband prefers the hurly-burly of city life, it can make for significant stress in your relationship. However this is not to say that a couple should have exactly the same plans for the future – such a thing is rarely possible in case of two different human beings. What is important is that the partners are willing to look towards a future where is space for each other’s dreams and a readiness to work towards broadly similar goals.

What about your values in life

Life values are something that are molded over a length of time but mostly instilled during childhood. Thus strongly incompatible attitudes towards life, spirituality, religion, morals, love, politics, family and work could also make reconciliation difficult in case of a breakup. While opposite stances may lead to initial attraction, eventually people behave according to the values that are important to them and have grown up with. So it is quite possible that your being a homebody attracted your jet-setting partner; but in the longer run, your penchant for plain living over accumulating riches may rankle with him/her and being able to afford the finer things of life may become more important to your partner. In such circumstances, it may be better to move in separate ways rather than make futile attempts to get back together.

Sexual incompatibility

If you and your partner have widely varying sexual likes and dislikes, it could also be difficult to pull along with each other. While a hectic sexual life is not mandatory to a compatible relationship, both taking a similar stance is important. Thus you may not feel it necessary to have sex with your partner in order to express your love, but your partner may feel differently and wish for greater sexual involvement from you. At the same time it is not necessary that you and your partner have exactly the same sexual preferences – in fact some divergence makes for interesting variety and adventure. But you should be able to come together in fulfilling each other’s requirements where love and intimacy is concerned.

Finally be prepared for the fact, that despite all your efforts in weighing the pros and cons of a patch-up, it may not be in your hands at all. Your ex may have already moved on emotionally or he/she may have relocated to a different place. Or it could be as simple as the fact that your ex doesn’t want to get back together with you; if so, accept his/her decision and take steps to leave the past behind.