Ask Candida

RECENT QUESTIONS

I’ve been hearing from women a lot about this lately, so much so that I actually address this issue in my book and was recently asked to do a workshop for women on how to talk dirty! Let me start by saying that in order to be comfortable with this type of bedroom dialogue you need to know that there’s nothing wrong or dirty about it. It doesn’t make you a slut or a cheap woman. Talking “dirty” is just a natural expression of what’s turning you on and what you’d like your lover to be doing, and that’s how it should be approached. Don’t feel like you have to imitate those bad porno movies with the fake moans and groans and the trite cliched exclamations…

The simplest way to begin is to react to what you’re feeling and to sort of describe what’s happening. You can start with things like, “Mmmm, that’s feels soooo good”, and, “I love how you feel inside me”, and move on to things of a more explicit nature. Let yourself go with what’s happening. Don’t edit yourself and don’t be shy. Lovemaking is one area where we are allowed to let our hair down and be the siren of our fantasies and the porn star of our own private movies. Nothing turns a man on more than seeing his woman get swept up in the passion of the moment and lose control of her otherwise prim and proper personae. So if he expresses a desire to have you “talk dirty” to him, just begin by expressing what’s happening as if you’re narrating the scene at hand. You might be surprised at how easily it can eventually come to you.

Your Question

I very much enjoyed your advice in “How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do,” and I’m writing about one of your points re: dirty talk. You mentioned a guy’s dirty talk can be informative because it reveals what turns him on.

Well, I’m in a fairly new relationship and we haven’t had sex yet but we recently started having phone sex. In his dirty talk he describes me as a “bad girl” and really seems to get off on that idea. The trouble is, I don’t know how to play into that fantasy for him, on the phone OR in person. I’m in my late ‘30’s — hardly a girl — and have only slept with 2 guys. Even though I lack lots of experience, I don’t think of sex as a “bad” thing. I don’t know how to make it sound like I do.

My Answer

Fantasies are tricky things…you either have them or you don’t; a particular fantasy either turns you on or it doesn’t. This man is giving you a glimpse into his sexual turn ons. I would think that at this early stage you should be honest about your feelings and what turns you on. Sounds like you’re both getting familiar with each other in a pretty low-pressure, low-risk way. May as well take advantage of it. Maybe he’s just feeling you out. He may have found that a lot of women he’s been with have that fantasy and maybe he’s trying to see if you do. He’s clearly trying to see how you respond to it. So be honest.You might simply tell him you’ve never had that sort of fantasy and don’t know quite how to respond to it. You might find that he has plenty of other fantasy ‘games’ he likes to play that are more to your liking. That said, if he does seem to be stuck on that one scenario, wouldn’t it be better to find out now rather than once you get more entangled in each other’s lives?

The ‘bad girl’ fantasy has little to do with how old you are or whether you’ve really been a bad girl or not. These sorts of fantasies have little to do with ones reality, in fact they often have nothing to do with ones reality. Hence the word, ‘fantasy’. Rather than trying to analyze why he has it or why you don’t have it, better to try and get to know each other as you’re doing. This is the perfect time to find out whether you should indeed be investing a lot of time and emotional involvement in to a relationship with this person. I think it’s difficult to try and fit oneself in to someone else’s sexual fantasy if it doesn’t come naturally to you. Sometimes a person finds them self involved with someone who they come to realize has an entire sexual fantasy world that’s completely different from their own. Often we’re too fearful to disclose our secret sexual scripts to our loved one for fear of rejection so we hide it until we’re emotionally involved. At that point it becomes more difficult to deal with, more emotionally painful as we try to figure out how to cope with this situation. Some find they’re willing to try and indulge their partner’s sexual needs for the sake of the relationship, others find they simply can’t and fear emotional loss. You’re getting to know about this person’s sexual fantasies early on. Consider yourself lucky.

Be honest now. Maybe you’ll find that exploring a fantasy you never had does begin to turn you on. But if it doesn’t, and if he’s not able to get as turned on without that fantasy, than you may not have the best sexual match.

Your Question

I usually keep my cell phone in my pocket during the day, but I’ve been wondering if the electronic waves will affect my sperm count or the healthiness of it?

My Answer

Good question! Especially given the level of cell phone usage in today’s high-tech world! Since I’m not an expert in this area, I went to ol’ reliable google and came up very quickly with some information which I’ll include below. There seems to be plenty written about this on the internet, so I would suggest you continue to explore this issue. In the meantime it sounds to me like if you’re looking to have children and are concerned about your sperm count, I would not only find a better place to keep your cell phone, but I would also consider trying to use your cell phone less.

It’s amazing how dependant we’ve all become on our cell phones. Remember when we didn’t have them? Yes, they are amazingly convenient, but I do recall fondly when I simply wasn’t available 24/7! “Leave me a message, drop me an email, I’ll get back to you!” Gee, there’s a thought!

Following is the sampling of info I found on sperm count and cell phone usage, including the issue of carrying a cell phone near your groin.

According to www.medicalnewstoday.com/healthnews, “The more a man uses his cell phone the lower his sperm count is likely to be, said researchers from Cleveland, New Orleans and Mumbai, at the Annual Meeting of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. The researchers found that every aspect of a man’s sperm profile can be affected by many hours on his cell phone.”

The researchers looked at the sperm count, motility and normal forms of the sperm of 364 men. They found that:

— among men with a normal sperm count who never used a mobile phone, average sperm counts were 86 million per milliliter, 68% motility and 40% normal sperms

— among men with a normal sperm count who used their mobiles more than four hours per day, average sperm counts were 66 million sperm per milliliter, 46% motility and 21% normal forms

The researchers “believe the effect on sperm profiles may be caused by the electromagnetic radiation emitted by the devices, or their heat.” They added that “further studies are needed to find out exactly what the mechanisms are that undermine sperm quality.”

According to information I found on www.textually.org, a survey on “exposure to mobile phones and sperm count”, researches claimed that “pollution and radio frequency waves from mobile phones took a toll on the reproductive ability of men.” They go on to report that “Hungarian researchers said that those who placed their mobile phones near their groin, on a belt or in a pocket, were at the greatest risk of having their sperm count reduced…The study found that those sperms that did survive mobile phone radiation exposure showed abnormal movements, further reducing the fertility….

However, Britain’s National Radiological Protection Board, which has reviewed research into health effects of exposure to radio frequency waves, including mobile phones, have so far said that the waves were safe.

The World Health Organization stresses that more studies are needed”.

Hope this helps!

Q & A ARCHIVE

Browse the most unique questions and answers that have been posted. Arranged by topic.

archive

Your Question

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half and already we have a dull sex life. We have sex about twice a month. What can we do to spice up our sex life? We watch adult films a few times a year. That sometimes helps, but money is tight and we can’t afford to rent movies very often and not only that we feel uncomfortable renting the movies because we are Christian. We believe that it is ok to use sex aids as long as it is just for us. Can you give some ideas on how to spice up our sex life?

My Answer

There is a wonderful book out by a couple of couples counselors called “Hot Monogamy” that addresses the needs of monogamous couples. It has lots of ideas about how to spice up your marriage and can be found in most self-help sections of your local bookstore. Another wonderful book that might be helpful is, “Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self”, by Sallie Foley, Sally Kope and Dennis Sugrue, who was a minister before meeting and marrying his wife of many happy years.

Aside from that, it’s important to understand that our upbringing has a great impact on our sexual attitudes and our ability to be comfortable with our sexuality. Did you or your husband come from a strict religious upbringing? Do one or both of you have some guilt that may make it difficult for you to open up and be fully present while making love? Did one of you experience any sexual trauma as a child? Did you receive negative messages about sex while growing up? All of these things can contribute to sexual inhibitions and/or an inability to open up with your partner. If any of these things apply to either of you, or if you’re just looking for a little help from someone who can guide you (or both of you preferably) toward a more fulfilling relationship, perhaps you should consider speaking to a qualified professional. The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, found at www.AASECT.org provides listings of professionals through out the country.

Creativity and openness and communication are so important to a healthy sex life with your partner. You can’t keep doing the same thing in the same place and expect it to stay interesting. Try making love in different parts of the house, or at different times of the day. Make a date just for romance and making love. Play little games like taking turns coming up with a sexy story to share with one another, or write it down and give it to your lover if you’re too self-conscious to verbalize it. Sharing fantasies or erotic scenarios helps your partner learn what turns you on. Sharing fantasies is incredibly bonding and fosters trust and intimacy. BUT you must be open and non-judgmental with your partner. If they fear or sense that you are judging them it will lead to further inhibition.

Stay away from “goal oriented” sex where everything leads up to the “big O”. Do lots of touching and kissing, take your time, and don’t just rush to intercourse.

Another way to open up and get to the “purity” of intimate love is through a technique called “Sensate Focus”. I explain it in my book, “How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do”:

When a couple seeks counseling for loss of desire, one of the most effective means of helping them rediscover their passion for one each other is to help them relearn the subtle art of touching because, just as I had realized, far too many people forget how wonderful it can be to just touch and be touched after years of “going all the way.” It generally works like this: For the first week the couple is instructed to take turns each night touching or being touched. The touchee lies passively as the toucher does nothing but softly touch and caress them. The next night it’s the others’ turn. But you can only touch, and you much restrict your touching to every place on the body except the genitals. And equally important, you cannot have sex! For the first week, you can touch each other everywhere but on the genitals.

During the second week, you can begin to touch each other on the genitals, but still no intercourse. In the third week you can perhaps include oral sex to climax, and finally on the fourth week you can graduate to intercourse, but it must still begin with touching.

What this process does is wake up the whole body of feelings and sensations that we grow to rush past in our normal everyday approach to sex. It’s the sexual version of stopping to smell the roses. And many a couple has rediscovered the wonder of one another’s touch and rekindled their desire for one another at levels they never before felt.

A fulfilling intimate life with ones partner takes work, effort, and imagination, but if it’s important you must talk about it together and work on it.

Your Question

I am writing to you about a fantasy I have. I would like to probe my husband anally, but I don’t know how to approach him with this. Please help.

My Answer

I would suggest that you let it “happen” gradually, subtly, and certainly gently! It’s always good to look for signs as to what our partners like. What do they seem to respond to? Do they like it when we touch them in a certain place or a certain way? Do they seem to moan in pleasure or show other visible signs of being excited? It’s important to pay attention to signals like this to learn what they like. Have you tried lightly touching your husband’s anus during love play to see how he reacts?

I would suggest gently and slowly moving there during love play to see how he responds. The area between a man’s scrotum (balls) and his anus is very sensitive and pleasurable, so you could start there and slowly move your fingers toward his anus to see how he responds. Then you might get your fingers wet and just gently touch and play with his anus. If he seems comfortable or even turned on you can begin by very gently inserting just one finger (be careful of those nails!) If you’re performing fellatio you could gently run your tongue along his anus to see how reacts. If you’re concerned about cleanliness you can always suggest a bubble-bath or a shower together before making love.

Men can be very sensitive about anal play, fearful that it might challenge their “manliness”, so it’s important to be sensitive to his feelings. However, if he is open to letting you play there you could open up worlds of pleasure he never knew. Some men aren’t into anal play at all, but the ones that are claim it’s amazing. Their prostate, which is just up inside their anus, is a source of great pleasure when stimulated. But again, it’s important to be gentle and sensitive to his signals of pleasure or resistence. If he’s insecure about it assure him it turns you on and it has no reflection on his sexuality other than that he’s open to trying new things. If you get all the way to inserting something other than your finger, be very careful, gentle, use plenty of lube, and make sure it’s a toy with a handle so it doesn’t get lost up there!

For more information on this topic, refer to chapter 10 in my book, “How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do” – “The Grand Finale, the Anus and Men’s G-spot”.

Good luck! He’s lucky to have a wife who’s so open to trying new things!

Hope this helps!

Your Question

My girlfriend and I are experimenting with anal intercourse, but we keep hitting a couple of snags (i.e. we are having trouble finding the right lubricant). Do you have any suggestions?

My Answer

While Tristan Taormino, author of “The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex”, prefers Astroglide, others prefer thicker lubes such as Probe, Liquid Silk and Maximus. These are all water-based. Others still prefer silicone-based lubes for anal play because they never dry out of get sticky. Two popular brands are EROS and ID. Just don’t use them with silicone toys and be careful about using them in the tub as they will stay slippery.

As to making it an enjoyable experience, the first thing is the woman had better be very turned on. This helps her loosen up and be more receptive. Plenty of lubricant is important. And your patience and sensitivity is important. Also, deep breathing. You should start by inserting one finger, then two, and so on as she gets comfortable and used to the feeling of being entered anally. When you first enter her with your penis, you should just stay there and let the outer muscles loosen up as she adjusts to accommodate you. To let you in deeper she should take a deep breath as that loosens the muscles. Then just be very careful and very tender, and if there’s any hint of pain or discomfort, stop. Also, it is absolutely imperative that you not go from the anus directly back into the vagina as this is very likely to cause an infection. Good luck and enjoy!

Your Question

When I’m alone I can masturbate to the point of having wonderful orgasms. However, during sex I have never been able to have one. I’ve tried using my fingers but the sensations that I get from a vibrator are much stronger. Oral sex also does not help me cum. Do you have any sugesstions? This is very frustrating!

My Answer

It often happens that the way we learn to masturbate remains the best and sometimes only way we can cum. So why not just pull out your trusty vibrator during sex play with your partner? I know some women are self-conscious about masturbating in front of their lover or pulling out their favorite sex toy, but if the guy is confident in himself and in your desire for him, he’s usually happy to help you in what ever it takes. The creative part is coming up with a way to make him feel included. Maybe show him how to hold it on you? Or let him put his fingers inside you and do some exploring while you use the vibrator on yourself, which can take your orgasms to an even greater height by stimulating that sensitive little area inside known as the g-spot.

If you’d like to explore other ways to climax, you can always consult a sex therapist who might be able to introduce you to new sensations by teaching you a process called “sensate focus” where you spend time with your lover just touching and rediscovering sensations you’d forgotten. But if you’re happy with your vibrator and your lover doesn’t feel left out, bring it on out. As long as you’re both getting satisfaction together, who cares how it’s achieved?

Hope this helps!

Your Question

I would like to know if it’s normal for women to have orgasm through basic intercourse without other sources of stimulation. In almost all XXX movies, and R rated movies I see women having orgasms without any effort.

My Answer

Surprising to many, most women, roughly 70% according to statistics I’ve read, do not have orgasms through intercourse alone. Most women need direct stimulation of the clitoris in order to reach orgasm. Many women experience more powerful orgasms when they receive both clitoral stimulation and stimulation of the G-spot, a small area just inside the vagina (see Dr. Beverly Whipple’s book, “The G-Spot”) that can be better reached with your (or your partner’s) fingers, or one of the many products designed to stimulate the g-spot. However, only a relatively small percentage of women can achieve orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. Remember, movies are fantasy, and while I attempt to portray more accurate depiction’s of mutual pleasuring between couples in my Femme movies, few directors care about accuracy.

Hope this helps!

Your Question

Wondering if it is possible to “teach” yourself to have an orgasm. I have been having sex for 8 years now, and have never had an orgasm.

P.S. I am a female, in good health, and my Dr. has assured me that there is no physical reason for my problem.

My Answer

It is indeed possible to “teach” yourself how to have an orgasm. The first thing I would ask you is if you masturbate. Masturbating helps a woman discover how she likes to be touched, what sort of physical stimulation she needs have an orgasm, and what sorts of fantasies she likes and can help her get to that level of excitement. Reading sexy books or looking at sexy movies (like my Femme line!) can help you get in touch with your fantasies.

Next, it’s important that you learn to communicate your needs to your partner. They can’t read our minds, so we need to help them figure it out! Whether that be by telling or showing them, which could mean masturbating in front of them or placing their hand where you need them to touch you.

You are probably one of the 70% of women who don’t climax through intercourse alone. Perfectly “normal”! So you need to have direct clitoral stimulation either by reaching down and doing it yourself with your hand, which can even be done during intercourse if you’re in the right position; having your partner manually stimulate you with his hand; having your partner perform oral sex on you; or by using a vibrator.

If you are too timid to communicate your needs to your partner, you need to address your feelings and find out what’s holding you back. I talk about this a lot in my book (How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do). Very often we are inhibited by fears of being judged by our partners. The old “good girl, bad girl” stigma is still well and alive today! If we show our partner that we know a thing or two he might think we’ve “been around”. Or perhaps you’re afraid of offending him, making him feel inadequate. Men too are saddled with outdated expectations and grow up thinking men are supposed to be the all-knowing lovers who automatically know what is good for us!

Your Question

How can I know if my wife is female ejaculating or urinating? Sometimes the fluid she squirts has a strong odor like urine.

My Answer

There is debate over whether women really ejaculate. Dr. Beverly Whipple did a lot of research on the subject and addresses this in her book called The G-Spot, as does Debbie Sundahl in her video on the subject.

I found this on www.coolnurse,com:
“There is a some disagreement whether or not there really is a form of ‘female ejaculation’. Female ejaculation is believed to be caused by a release of fluid from the Skene’s glands. These glands are located inside the urethra. The Skene’s gland is similar to the prostate gland in guys. It produces a fluid that is similar to the chemical composition of prostatic fluid — which is what makes up the majority of semen. (It’s possible that some urine may leak out during sex from pressure on the bladder for some women. This is not to say that ejaculation fluid is urine). When ‘non-scientific’ lab tests were done on fluid produced from from the Skene’s gland and during female ejaculation, it was determined to not be urine at all.”

Hope this helps!

Your Question

I am seeing a lot of adult movies that advertise “squirting” orgasms. I have seen a few scenes where the girl supposedly “squirts”. Is this a fake, or does it really exist? Can my girlfriend do it?

My Answer

Dr. Beverly Whipple, most famous for her groundbreaking book, “The G-Spot”, did extensive research on female ejaculation and she, along with many reputable sex researchers, believes some women do indeed ejaculate a clear, odorless liquid during orgasm, particular those brought on by stimulation of the G-spot. A few years ago, a film-maker named Debbie Sundahl put out a video called “How to Female Ejaculate” on Femme Fatale Video. It is probably still available through certain mail-order companies like Babeland.com or Eve’s Garden.

While some contend that any woman can learn to do this, it is important to remember that love-making can be fraught with concerns and insecurities. Applying even more pressure to “perform” in another way isn’t always productive. While some women obviously do ejaculate, many don’t. Your girlfriend should not be made to feel like she must learn something that may not come naturally to her at all. But if she is so inclined, this book or video should help.

Your Question

Does the average woman like a little foreplay or a lot?

My Answer

We are all different so the best thing is always to ask your partner what they like. Communication is essential for good sex. But if I had to generalize, I’d have to say that women tend to like a lot of foreplay. In fact, it’s best to drop the word foreplay which implies that real sex is intercourse and the rest is all just leading up to it. It’s all sex, and the more creative the better. Do a lot of touching, kissing, oral sex, fingering, intercourse, back to oral sex, take a break, back to intercourse, maybe more oral sex or fingering, you get the idea. We tend to think that a bit of oral sex and then intercourse is it and then it’s over. But there’s so much more. Best not to be so goal oriented and just do what feels good when it feels good, and ask your partner what feels good to them! I’ve heard it said by sex researchers that it takes women on average 20 minutes to get real warmed up, so not only do we like a lot of “foreplay”, but we need it!

Your Question

Do you think it is all right to still be a virgin in today’s world – even at the age of 24?

My Answer

I think it’s all right to be any way you want in today’s world! As long as you’re happy being a virgin, then it’s fine! No one should feel pressured to behave in any way they don’t choose for themselves.

Hope this helps!

Your Question

My husband says he wishes I would initiate sex more, but I don’t feel very desirable or sexy what can I do?

My Answer

If your husband wishes you’d initiate sex more, obviously he thinks you’re desirable and sexy! What you need to ask yourself is why you don’t. Why are you so insecure about yourself? Do you need to do something to boost your self-esteem? Is there some part of yourself that doesn’t want to feel sexy and desirable? Or deep down inside doesn’t want to have sex with your husband, or anyone for that matter? It seems to me the answer lies within yourself. Perhaps you should speak confidentially to a counselor who can help you sort your feelings out. In the mean time, the best policy is always to be honest and open with your mate, and let him know how you feel so that he doesn’t think you don’t desire him. Perhaps he can help you feel better about yourself.

Hope this helps!

Your Question

I am an 18 year old female who is very sexually active with my boyfriend. We are both very attracted to each other, and have great sex every time. We are very honest, open and supportive with our opinions about each other’s bodies. The only problem is, is that he likes to talk dirty to me. I love it, but I want to be able to do it to him too. Sometimes when it takes him longer to have an orgasm, long after I have had a round two, he tells me to talk dirty to him because it helps. I get shy or embarrassed, or don’t know what to say or what it is exactly. If you know of any websites where I can find women actually talking dirty, it would be a big help. Thank you.

My Answer

Yes, talking dirty can be very exciting to both you and your partner, and it can also be embarrassing due to lingering feelings of guilt and shame about our sexuality. Even if we think we no longer suffer from such guilt and shame, it somehow creeps up on us and rears its ugly head in ways such as you describe. And guilt and shame are indeed the basis for such discomfort over something as natural and fun as “talking dirty”. You might want to examine your own hidden feelings of sexual guilt, really ask yourself what it is you feel embarrassed about. Obviously your boyfriend is not making you feel that way. It has to be old voices in your head that have lingered from messages you received from your parents or your religion or someone who had an influence on you. These are often hidden in our subconscious, surprising us when they arise.

Ask your boyfriend what kinds of things turn him on. Maybe play with sexy talk outside the bedroom as a silly game, making it easier to talk and laugh about. Then you’ll have something to go on when you’re really in bed.

Finally, you might try reading erotica together to see what sorts of things arouse him and make a mental note for yourself. And reading certain passages aloud might also be a way for you to get comfortable “speaking” in sex talk.

Remember, nothing is dirty or bad between mutually consenting adults who care for and respect each other. Sounds like you’ve got a great thing going that can only get greater!

Your Question

Do you think it is all right to still be a virgin in today’s world – even at the age of 24?

My Answer

I think it’s all right to be any way you want in today’s world! As long as you’re happy being a virgin, then it’s fine! No one should feel pressured to behave in any way they don’t choose for themselves.

Hope this helps!

Your Question

My husband says he wishes I would initiate sex more, but I don’t feel very desirable or sexy what can I do?

My Answer

If your husband wishes you’d initiate sex more, obviously he thinks you’re desirable and sexy! What you need to ask yourself is why you don’t. Why are you so insecure about yourself? Do you need to do something to boost your self-esteem? Is there some part of yourself that doesn’t want to feel sexy and desirable? Or deep down inside doesn’t want to have sex with your husband, or anyone for that matter? It seems to me the answer lies within yourself. Perhaps you should speak confidentially to a counselor who can help you sort your feelings out. In the mean time, the best policy is always to be honest and open with your mate, and let him know how you feel so that he doesn’t think you don’t desire him. Perhaps he can help you feel better about yourself.

Hope this helps!

Your Question

I am an 18 year old female who is very sexually active with my boyfriend. We are both very attracted to each other, and have great sex every time. We are very honest, open and supportive with our opinions about each other’s bodies. The only problem is, is that he likes to talk dirty to me. I love it, but I want to be able to do it to him too. Sometimes when it takes him longer to have an orgasm, long after I have had a round two, he tells me to talk dirty to him because it helps. I get shy or embarrassed, or don’t know what to say or what it is exactly. If you know of any websites where I can find women actually talking dirty, it would be a big help. Thank you.

My Answer

Yes, talking dirty can be very exciting to both you and your partner, and it can also be embarrassing due to lingering feelings of guilt and shame about our sexuality. Even if we think we no longer suffer from such guilt and shame, it somehow creeps up on us and rears its ugly head in ways such as you describe. And guilt and shame are indeed the basis for such discomfort over something as natural and fun as “talking dirty”. You might want to examine your own hidden feelings of sexual guilt, really ask yourself what it is you feel embarrassed about. Obviously your boyfriend is not making you feel that way. It has to be old voices in your head that have lingered from messages you received from your parents or your religion or someone who had an influence on you. These are often hidden in our subconscious, surprising us when they arise.

Ask your boyfriend what kinds of things turn him on. Maybe play with sexy talk outside the bedroom as a silly game, making it easier to talk and laugh about. Then you’ll have something to go on when you’re really in bed.

Finally, you might try reading erotica together to see what sorts of things arouse him and make a mental note for yourself. And reading certain passages aloud might also be a way for you to get comfortable “speaking” in sex talk.

Remember, nothing is dirty or bad between mutually consenting adults who care for and respect each other. Sounds like you’ve got a great thing going that can only get greater!

Your Question

I am an 18 year old guy, how often should I be masturbating in a day? I regularly do it twice. Is masturbation good for me? Please explain the plusses and the minuses. I usually feel ashamed about doing it. Should I? Admitting you masturbate seems to be such a taboo. Do you agree?

My Answer

While we live in a world where we’re often told that self-pleasuring is wrong, health and sexuality experts agree that there’s nothing wrong with masturbating, in fact it can be a healthy sexual outlet, and a way to get to know what you sexually like and don’t like, such as the way you like to be touched or the fantasies you enjoy. There’s no consensus on how often one should masturbate in a day as long as you’re still able to function and get done with your life what you wish to get done. I would add that it seems to me twice a day for an 18 year old guy certainly does not sound like too much!

Do not feel ashamed of masturbating! It is a natural thing to do, especially for a young man of your age. The taboo surrounding masturbation stems from old superstitions and outdated mores fueled by religious fervor. There are just two reasons to be concerned about any sexual act: when it becomes a compulsion, something you can’t stop yourself from doing even when you need or want to be doing other things; and when some particular sexual need gets in the way of and/or takes the place of a real full intimate relationship with someone. In other words, if you’d rather masturbate than make love to your partner.

But it sounds to me from your letter like you’re just fine!

Hope this helps!

Your Question

I do not get enough pleasure from masturbation. In fact many times I get bored. I want to enjoy this. Can you recommend any products, books or videos that could improve my self loving technique???

My Answer

I followed up for you and found the site you should go to: try www.bettydodson.com. She is called the “mother of masturbation” and has wonderful books and videos on the subject. Masturbation is one of the most wonderful, self-affirming acts for a woman. It teaches us what we need and like, puts us in touch with our inner fantasy world, and prepares us for more fulfilling sexual relationships with partners. So look ‘er up and tell her I sent you!

Hope this helps!

Your Question

I’m a mid 50’s male. I’ve been simply overwhelmed by seeing women masturbate for as long as I can remember. My wife masturbates and loves performing the act while I masturbate to her masturbating… it’s wonderful experience. My question: Why do so few (very hard to find) videos have scenes that truly represent female masturbation in it’s glory. All the ladies seem to feel the more noise, screaming, body movement, and exaggerating the better. Fact is, I’ve seen a number of beautiful women masturbate while I masturbated with them. Not one screamed. Not one oood, or coohed or the rest of that jazz.

Please, someone please, tell these gals to be natural and not put on… please!

My Answer

I’m well aware of how erotic it can be to watch your lover masturbate. Not only do many men find it incredibly exciting to watch a woman pleasure herself, many women love watching men masturbate as well. Apropos to this, I’m in the process of editing my latest Femme movie, “Eyes of Desire”, and am working on a beautiful scene where my star, Missy, lies in the bathtub and begins thinking about a mystery man who she believes is watching her. The thought turns her on and she has a wonderful orgasm as she plays with herself. It dawned on me that so many of my movies feature women masturbating. I guess I not only find it exciting and beautiful to look at, I also think it’s very healthy for women to masturbate. They learn about their bodies and what turns them on. This leads to more fulfilling sex lives with their partners. And I agree that to portray this in an obviously fake manner really takes away from the beauty and excitement.

If you haven’t seen any of my Femme films, I will tell you the ones I think have the best scenes of women masturbating: The first one that comes to mind is “The Gift”, starring Shanna McCullough, one the best performers in the business, who not only performs beautifully, but claims to have really climaxed in this scene. Another stand-out is “Three Daughters”, which features a wonderful scene where the youngest daughter (she’s of legal age!) learns how to have an orgasm by masturbating. And of course my film, “Eyes of Desire”.

Your Question

What is the average penis size? I have always wondered this, but have never received a straight answer.

My Answer

I’m not an expert, but I believe the average size is about 6 inches. I’m sure you must be a man because men are the only ones who seem to be concerned with the various sizes of the penis! Incidentally, most women are very happy with what is considered to be the “average” sized penis.

Hope this helps!

Your Question

I would like to input on premature ejaculation. I find that I cum very quickly the first time. I can regain an erection again within 10 minutes and then can perform for some time before cumming again. The first time is the problem. I need to prolong this. I am 38, active and in good shape physically. I have a very high sex drive and can and often do make love every day. I look forward to hearing from you.

My Answer

There is much information on how to delay ejaculation. And there are many good sexuality and self-help books that describe techniques to delay ejaculation as well. (Check out the advice of Dr. Michael Castleman) However, I must say that I don’t consider yours to be such a “problem”. I remember that one of my serious lovers of several years had the same pattern as you. He would come very quickly the first time around, be able to get an erection within a short amount of time and then be able to go for quite a long time. This worked out fine for us because we spent that time in between getting me off through oral or manual sex (and remember, most women, about two thirds, do not have orgasm through intercourse, but rather through oral or manual stimulation). I happen to enjoy a lot of intercourse after having an orgasm so it was perfect. It seems to me that yours is not so much a problem but just a pattern of timing that can easily be worked out between you and your partner. So many people think that sex must all be done and finished in one round ending with the man’s climax. Good lovemaking can and should encompass many different phases, peaks and valleys. Some hugging, kissing, oral sex, maybe some intercourse for a while. Then stopping and doing something else, maybe getting the woman off, maybe just relaxing for a few moments. Caressing. Then some more intercourse. There are so many varieties and ways to make love. Don’t get caught up in “goal oriented” sex. Work with your own individual pattern and see how it can work for both you and your partner. And have fun!

Hope this helps!

Your Question

I’m an uncircumcised male in his late twenties. Although I have never had any health problems as a result and enjoy a great sex life with my precious S/O, I’ve long held a desire to be circumcised. However, I’ve never mustered up the gumption because I’m afraid that if I get my dick snipped I’ll be unhappy with the results and regret it like a bad tattoo.

My question is, in the realm of your personal experience and from those of your friends, does circumcision make any difference for the man and his female sexual partner(s)? Do you, and the women you know, have a definite preference for circumcised or uncircumcised cocks? If so, why?

My Answer

To be brief and to the point…no. As far as I know, it makes absolutely no difference whether the man is circumcised or not. My ex-husband of nine years, a European, was not circumcised, as most European men are not, and there was absolutely no difference in his ability to enjoy sex or mine to enjoy him. And I have several other male friends who are also not circumcised and seem to have a very healthy and enjoyable sex life.

If you are still considering it, you should consult a reputable urologist. He or she can give you the pros and cons so that you can make an informed decision.

One more thing, in terms of women’s preference: I know that some women who may not be accustomed to seeing an uncircumcised penis might act surprised at first. But if a woman really cares for you, it makes absolutely no difference, and she might even grow to prefer it.

Your Question

Often while pleasuring my husband during oral sex, my jaw hurts/locks up. What can I do to prevent this from happening? It is interfering with our foreplaying, making it one-sided and leaves me feeling guilty for enjoying all of the pleasure that he lavishes on me.

My Answer

My initial reaction about your jaw locking up during fellatio is to wonder if you’re tightening it up too much or if you’re doing it non-stop for too long. Perhaps you need to take breaks. Work on keeping your jaw loose and change your action frequently, going from sucking to licking back to sucking, etc. Any woman is going to develop tension in her jaw if she tries to suck for too long. Also, a lot of women will take a break and tongue the tip of the man’s penis while stroking his well lubricated shaft with her hand. Many men really like this. The point is to use variety so that you don’t do one thing for so long that you create stress and tension in your jaw. You can bet men will develop stress in their tongue if they lick a woman non-stop for too long.

Or is there some unresolved issue you have about performing fellatio that’s perhaps coming out during your forepaly while you try to perform it on your husband?

If none of that helps, I can only suggest asking a clinical sex therapist or counselor. Or perhaps you suffer from tension in your jaw from keeping all your stress from day to day activities there. My dentist noticed that my jaw muscles were overly developed and thought I must be grinding my teeth at night. What I realized was that I was clenching my jaw in my sleep because of holding in stress. That’s something a dentist can help you with. (You don’t have to go into details, just say you feel a lot of stress in your jaw.)

Your Question

Is there anything I can take to wake up my libido? A busy life and the onset of menopause finds me uninterested.

My Answer

Many women, myself included, have found “bio-identical hormones” to be quite helpful. This includes various forms of estrogens that are plant derived, a natural form of progesterone, and also testosterone, which, while being known for driving male desire, is also key for women’s desire.

These are all custom formulated specifically for the individual by a licensed physician .I do not advocate the use of synthetic hormones, or anything that comes in “one dosage for all” type formula, and it’s important that you go to someone qualified. But it has helped me and others. I write about it in my book, “How to tell a naked man what to do”, and Dr. Christian Northrup writes about it in her wonderful book, “The Wisdom of Menopause” as does Suzanne Sommers. The products I take come from the International Women’s Pharmacy in Wisconsin and they can provide a list of practitioners around the country.

Your Question

I am a 25 year old male in a wheelchair with cerebral palsy, meaning that the neurons in my brain are damaged. My legs can do limited walking. Can you help me with my sexuality?

My Answer

There are many resources for people with physical disabilities. I did a quick search on Google.com by typing in “sex for the disabled” and came up with several. I would suggest you do the same.

Outdated attitudes about people with disabilities are being challenged and it’s recognized that all people, with or without disabilities, have sexual needs that deserve to be met. There are many groups and web sites for physically disabled people who would like to connect with other disabled people, such as www.whispers4u.com. (I found them on my search but have no knowledge of whether they are reputable or not. They appear to be at first glance.) If you would like to speak to a counselor about your feelings and/or needs, the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists at www.AASECT.org provides a complete listing of sexuality professionals in your area.

Your Question

What is the best way to introduce my husband of 16 yrs to sex toys? We have a hot sex life, are best friends and are deeply in love, but have never used them. I have trouble climaxing at times with just intercourse alone. He loves trying new positions and is very playful. I guess I’m apprehensive because I don’t want him to think he doesn’t please me. I plan to purchase your video for starters. Thanks.

My Answer

Congratulations on having and maintaining such a wonderful marriage! 16 years and still best friends, in love, and having great sex! You are either very fortunate, very good at relationships, or most likely, both!

Many women are concerned about making their men feel “left out” when introducing sex toys, which is why I write about this in my book (“How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do”). But before I discuss that, I want to respond to your comment about having “trouble climaxing at times with just intercourse alone”. Roughly 70% of women do not climax through intercourse alone. Most of us need direct clitoral stimulation. Due to a variety of cultural pressures, common myths and a desire to make their man feel good, many women feel pressured to climax through intercourse alone. This is burdensome and unneccessary. Rejoice in the love and passion you both obviously enjoy and then have fun finding all the different ways you can climax with your man, whether it’s through reaching down with your hand and stimulating your clitorous during intercourse, or having him do it, or having him orally pleasure you or using a vibrator on you…the possibilities are endless and fun to explore.

Now on to introducing sex toys in to your relationship, or as I describe it in my book, “Introducing Toys and Allaying the Fragile Male Ego”. First, suggest it as a fun toy for both of you to play with. And there are so many ways you can both “play” with your new toy. You can pleasure yourself while he watches or plays with himself or, with some vibes, is inside you; he can use it on you; you can use it on him; and, if he’s so inclined, he can use it on himself! Be sure to point out that it’s the fact that you’re playing with your chosen toy together that makes it so exciting. If he feels like he’s an integral part of this new form of play, he shouldn’t feel left out and/or threatened. The point is, be sure to introduce it as something new and fun for both of you. It’s not a replacement for him, it’s not because he doesn’t satisfy you, it’s something in addition for both of you to play with. If he feels confident in your love and desire for him, which it sure sounds like he should, then anything that brings added fun and pleasure to your lovemaking should make him happy. And the fact that you’re experiencing so much pleasure should also make him feel very good, whether it’s his penis, his tongue, his hands, or a toy he uses on you, or you use on yourself while playing together!

One you might start with is one of my Natural Contours vibrators that sits on the woman’s pubic bone for direct clitoral stimulation. This way he can be inside you while you use it on yourself. The Petit and the Supurbe can be used like this. The Magnfique and the Liberte can also be used this way and offer the added possibility of being used for penetration. The tiny waterproof Jolie can also be used this way, but be forewarned that it has a very strong vibration which may be too much for you if you haven’t used a vibrator yet.

My Question

I am a 31yr. old mother of 1, married for 4 yrs. My husband and I have a great sex life (everything else is bad), but sex is creative (toys & videos). The problem is I often have serious thoughts of having sex with a woman or a woman & my husband. I don’t think I could handle another woman and my husband getting it on. I want them to both do me (I’m selfish). My question is is it normal for a heterosexual woman to fantasize about other women or is it just that my relationship with my husband is so bad. I wouldn’t even know where to find a woman to have sex with, but I would like to try.

My Answer

As my friend, Dr. Marty Klein always says, the word “normal” should not even be used in the context of sex. As long as sex is consensual, responsible, respectful, safe and isn’t hurting anyone, it’s fine. One of the most common fantasies for women is other women, and it doesn’t mean we necessarily want to try it for real. But even if you do, that’s OK too. Just be sure it’s what you really want to do. Bringing a third party into a marriage can be tricky. It can backfire on you. It can bring up feelings or situations you weren’t prepared for. The most important thing is you should communicate your feelings to your husband. Communication is one of the most important aspects of a successful marriage. Maybe it could improve yours in other areas too. Hope this is of some help.

Your Question

My girlfriend and I are considering having a threesome with one of her girlfriends. We have a wonderful sex life and want to try something different. I am attracted to her friend and would consider performing oral sex on her or having intercourse with her. But I don’t know if I should. I love my girlfriend very much and would never do anything to hurt her. My question is do you think I should ask her if she has a problem with me doing that to her friend. Or should we just let things happen when we do it. Also this is the first time we are doing anything like this, and I was wondering if you could give me any suggestions on pleasing everyone.

My Answer

My question to you is, did your girlfriend initiate this idea? If so, you should still proceed with caution. I think bringing another person into an intimate relationship is very risky, Even when you both think it’s fine, it often backfires. It takes a very rare person who can watch their lover with another person without finding themselves feeling threatened, jealous, insecure. Ask yourself, would you be OK watching your girlfriend with another man?

If she did not initiate this idea, I would be very careful about suggesting it. It could make her think that you’re desiring people other than her. Instead, you should ask her if she has any ideas on how to bring some new experiences into the relationship and see if she suggests it.

In any event, if you do proceed with the idea, it may be good to discuss exactly what each of you would be comfortable with. Maybe you should let them do things together and invite you in as they feel comfortable. Maybe just begin with oral sex and see where it goes from there.

I think this is very tricky territory. Some couples have managed to pull it off, but many find their relationship is permanently scarred. You might consider playing with the fantasy first. I always suggest sharing and describing fantasies to each other as you make love as an exciting and safe alternative to actually doing it. Besides, I have heard many men say that the reality of attempting to make love to two women is far less exciting and lots of work! Proceed with caution if you love your partner, and good luck!

Your Question

How much sex is too much? I am 23 and my boyfriend is 35, and he has the physique of a 19 or 20 year old. He is a bit voyeuristic which I find exciting, but he wants me all of the time… Should I be concerned about this, or not?

My Answer

I If you’re enjoying the attention and the sex, why should you be concerned? If he wants you far more than you want him and he forces you against your will, you’ve got a problem. If it’s mutual, why the worry? There are so many women complaining that their boyfriends or husbands seem to have lost their lusty desire for them. Appreciate what you have. As my friend and colleague Dr. Marty Klein always points out, there’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex. If you’re both happy, count your blessings and stop concerning yourself with unnecessary ideas.

Hope this helps!

Your Question

I am 21 years old and am in a wonderful relationship with an excellent guy. Unfortunately, when we make love it seems that it takes him longer than usual. Can you tell me how long is ‘normal’ for sex? Also, sometimes sex is uncomfortable for me. Should I consider using a lubricant? How do I tell this to my boyfriend? (I tend to be a bit shy about sex.) Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

My Answer

We all have different needs, and there is no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex as long as it’s consensual and safe. Some women like sex a long time, others not long. Often if the man likes to have intercourse a long time, it’s easy for the woman to dry up a bit, especially if condoms are used. Before I address your ‘shyness’, let me just say that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with keeping a stash of your favorite lube nearby. We all need it from time to time, and if it means you get to enjoy the sex better, you’ll BOTH be happy for it!

There are many types of lube available. There are waterbased lubes, which are also compatible with condoms – just watch out for glycerine. This is a sugar and can bring yeast infections in women who are prone to them. Then there are silicone-based lubes which are very long-lasting because they do not get absorbed and stay slick. However, they are NOT compatible with silicone toys. Another ingredient to avoid is non-oxynol 9, a spermicide that can cause irritation in some women.

Some of the preferred brands are:
In water-based lubes, Sliippery Stuff, Astro Glide, Liquid Silk and Maximus. For silicone based lubes, there is Eros and I.D. Lube.

And remember: we gals are still given subtle messages about how we should be good girls, and when we ask for something in bed, it’s like admitting we like sex, and then we’re bad girls! We’ve got to fight that! Not only is it our right to have a happy, fulfilling sex life, but men usually appreciate a woman who knows what she likes and needs and wants and can actually speak up and ask for what we need or make suggestions. It saves him the trouble of guessing or making mistakes.

Also, if the sex hurts, just ask him to stop a while and do something else. We often forget that there are so many wonderful things to do besides intercourse. Get into sharing fantasies, talk to each other during sex, get him to tell you his favorite fantasy. I bet that’ll get him to come sooner! And remember, if you don’t learn to ask for what you need, you’ll never get it! Good luck!

Your Question

How can a woman maintain vaginal tightness as she gets older and after pregnancy?

Answer

The best and simplest thing a woman can do to maintain vaginal tone is to practice her “Kegels”. These are a series of tightening exercises that will strengthen the PC (pubococcygeal) muscle, which surrounds the vaginal canal. They’re easy, simple and they work! And when these muscles are toned a woman is capable of more sensation, more pleasure and stronger orgasms.

In order to properly exercise your PC muscle, you must first isolate and identify it. The easiest way is to do so while urinating. Once you begin to urinate, stop and start the flow several times. The muscle you use to do this is your PC muscle. Another way is to insert a finger inside your vagina and squeeze your muscles. When you feel pressure around your finger, you are using the correct muscle.

You can simply do a series of tightening exercises, for example, tighten to the count of ten, then release for a count of ten, and do this about ten times. Or, to attain faster and greater results, try using a vaginal Kegel exerciser, such as my Natural Contours ENERGIÉ. (http//www.natural-contours/energie). The ENERGIÉ weighs just under a pound and provides more resistence. Just as in exercising any muscle group, adding a weight resistance makes your PC muscle work harder and will bring faster results.

These days when women are running to surgeons in order to tighten their vaginal muscles, it’s important to know we don’t need to resort to such drastic measures. Doing these exercises for about six minutes a day will restore your vagina to its former tightness, it will bring more blood flow there causing you to have more sensation and pleasure, and it will prevent urinary incontinence which often happens as a result of aging, childbirth, and/or lack of use. It will also help ward off such age related symptoms as thinning vaginal walls and painful intercourse.

There are things we can do to stay fit and youthful, even for our vaginas! (And one of those things, by the way, is to have regular sex! That too helps us stay toned, even if it’s just with ourself through self-pleasuring and penetration with a vibrator or dildo. Check out my other Natural Contours massagers which are great for this, such as the LIBERTÉ and the ULTIME.) And guess what? Men have them too! And by keeping them in shape he has better control of his orgasms, and better sex as well! What he does is hang a dry wash cloth on his erect penis and lift up and down. Then graduate to a wet cloth, then a towel, and so on. Have Fun!

Your Question

My husband has lost all interest in sex. I have tried everything to get him interested again but nothing has worked. I would appreciate any suggestions you could make.

My Answer

I can only suggest that you find a way to speak with him honestly and get him to talk about his feelings. Is there something else going on? Is he feeling bad about himself in some way that’s affecting his sex drive? Is he angry at you for something and not sharing it? Is this just one of his low desire times? Couples must deal with the fact that each of us sometimes is in a low desire period when the other is not. We must learn to deal with that and wait for our partner to get through that period. The essential thing is communication, sharing your feelings with each other. If there is a serious problem, it might be wise to consider couples counseling. You must get him to understand that we all have our needs and we must be taken seriously. And that couples must communicate honestly and always! Good luck!

Hope this helps!

Your Question

My wife and I have been married for over 3 years now and everything is good except our sex life. Before we got married she wanted to fool around all the time, she wanted more than I did. But ever since we got married she hardly wants it at all. It’s like pulling teeth to have sex. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get her in the mood, I have failed. What can I do?

My Answer

Low desire seems to be one of the biggest complaints I receive. I would ask you the same as I ask the others: Have you spoken to her about this? What does she tell you? Often relationship problems turn up in the bedroom. Is there something going on in your relationship that you two haven’t yet dealt with? Communication is so important.

Have you had children? Often women suffer low desire for a while after giving birth, or from being so exhausted from taking care of the children.

If it’s none of these things, perhaps you two need to visit a counselor together. Someone outside the relationship can be more objective and often can help you both hear each other better and understand what’s going on. You can call the American Associatoin of Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) at 804-752-0026 for names of counselors in your area. Or you can try one of the many on line therapists like Dr. Patti at www.yoursexcoach.com or Dr. Marty Klein at www.sexed.org.

It’s important to talk about this and see what’s behind your partner’s lack of desire. At the very least it may be that you two simply have different levels of desire in which case you’ll need to find a way to work on meeting both your needs. It’s important that without coming off as pressuring her that you let your wife know that you are unhappy and it is a serious issue for you.

Hope this helps!

Your Question

My wife of almost 14 years has little or no interest in sex! I would like to make love to her daily. She thinks once a month is plenty. She is not interested in anything new or different. She is very conservative and it is causing me great frustration. I help around the house, compliment her, help with the kids, try to be affectionate but she is just not interested. Partly because of her very strict up bringing and partly because she may be very insecure about herself. But, if this is what I have to look forward to for the next 14 years, then I am going to be a VERY unhappy married man. Any suggestions, products, tapes or advise you have would be much appreciated.

My Answer

I hear and understand your frustration. I think different levels of sexual desire in couples is more common than is thought and I have also personally dealt with this myself. What do we do when we love someone and want it to work but it becomes clear that we have very different sexual needs? We then have to ask ourselves what’s really important to us: the love we share with this person or the sexual needs we have that are not being met. This can be a very difficult and painful question to try and answer. But before we get to that point, it’s important to exhaust other possibilities, as you’re suggesting in searching for a book or a video tape.

Off the top of my head, since your wife is not interested in new things, I don’t think information about other techniques or “hot spots” like the g spot will be of much interest to her. Perhaps a more “spiritual” approach to sex would be more effective. Have you considered exploring “Tantric” sex? There are many books, videos and courses about this ancient form of love making that emphasizes a more loving and spiritual connection between the lovers. One of the best web sites for such books and videos is Tantra.com. There are also terrific “edutainment” videos that show loving couples dealing with issues and having honest, intimate sex, such as those produced by BetterSex.com.

Somehow you need to get her to understand your needs and the seriousness of it what you feel. Perhaps visiting a counselor together is in order. There are many wonderful counselors available in all areas of the country. If you call the main headquarters of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) at 804-752-0026, they can give you names of therapists in your area. It’s sometimes extremely helpful to bring in someone on the outside who can be more objective. They can help you both express yourselves and better understand each other’s needs. There are also therapists whose focus is on reconciling sexual needs with religious feelings and/or strict, conservative upbringings. Good luck!