What to Do After an Uncomfortable Conversation with a Coworker

Executive Summary

We’ve all experienced those conversations where we not only regret our words, but when our actions incite reactions from others, sweeping us into a negative spiral which seems hard to reverse. If you find yourself reeling from a conversation gone bad, be proactive. Set up a one-on-one meeting with the other person. Take accountability for your actions by acknowledging what you did wrong and thank them for what they did right. And work together to strategize ways to avoid future mishaps. If you find yourself reacting negatively during a meeting again, give the other person permission to alert you in some way. For example, if you’re getting heated, your colleague could give you a verbal cue by saying, “Help me get on the same page.”

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We’ve all experienced those conversations where we not only regret our words, but when our actions incite reactions from others, sweeping us into a negative spiral which seems hard to reverse.

Consider the example of executives Vishal and Sonal who were peers at a midsize technology company.

In their executive team meeting, Sonal proposed a new idea that involved an area Vishal’s team was already working on. Vishal’s knee-jerk reaction was to interrupt Sonal and explain why this was a bad idea. In response, Sonal raised her voice and retorted, “Vishal, if your team had met their deadline, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

Both Vishal and Sonal began talking over each other — not listening to what the other was saying. When the meeting ended, they left the room without acknowledging each other, while everyone else pretended to be very interested in their phones.

During our coaching session the next day, Vishal expressed regret at how he had behaved. Although he had taken an instant dislike to Sonal’s idea, he knew his response wasn’t acceptable. Embarrassed and frustrated with himself, Vishal wanted to know how to recover and restore the relationship capital he had just squandered.

I shared with him the following steps for remedying a conversation gone wrong — steps anyone can use to recover from a conversation that has soured.

Acknowledge your mistake and provide space. As soon as you realize that a discussion didn’t go well, set up a one-on-one meeting with the other person. Take accountability for your actions by acknowledging what you did wrong — whether you interrupted too often, criticized too quickly, attacked the messenger, or something else. Then mention that you’d like to discuss the incident in more detail to figure out how to avoid the negative behavior in the future.

Remember to give your colleague space to process what you’ve said. Use their cues to determine whether they’d like to discuss the incident right away or set up time to talk after thinking things through. When you promptly call out your mistake, your coworker will see that you’re willing to be honest about your weaknesses and work on improving them.

Apologize and be grateful. Many of us are quick to apologize when we’ve erred. However, an apology is not enough to mend a damaged relationship. Acknowledging the positive contribution made by the other person will help your coworker to feel appreciated. After you apologize, thank your colleague for their good intentions or any positive actions they took during the conversation, such as being a good listener while you ranted. Vishal told Sonal, “I’m sorry I interrupted you and never gave you a chance to finish presenting your idea. Thank you for your passion and desire to innovate and bring new ideas to our meetings.”

Highlight the overall goal and seek agreement. Don’t stew over the conversation that went badly; instead, ground yourself by focusing on what’s most important — your overall goal. For example, express that you really care about having a collaborative partnership with your peer because your complementary skills benefit customers. Ask her what she would like to get out of the relationship, and work together to identify or create a common purpose that you’re both motivated to achieve. By connecting to a higher purpose, the relatively smaller argument will be put in perspective and allow you to move forward faster.

Create shared cues. Work together to strategize ways to avoid future mishaps. Suggest that your colleague come to you before proposing an idea that’s in your area of expertise. You could also promise to inform them of any pertinent agenda items for a meeting, so they can read the background information and think about their ideas beforehand.

If you find yourself reacting negatively during a meeting, give the other person permission to alert you in some way. For example, if you’re getting heated, your colleague could give you a verbal cue by saying, “Help me get on the same page.”

Contribute to the relationship bank. Unfortunately, the next meeting doesn’t necessarily start with a clean slate after a rough conversation. You’ve depleted trust built up in your mutual relationship bank. Even if you’ve followed the steps above, there’s likely to be residual hurt or resentment on both sides which will dissipate only after time.

One way to regenerate trust and accelerate the healing process is by asking for and providing multiple small favors. By asking for your colleague’s help, you make yourself vulnerable and demonstrate that you value her contributions. And when you provide help or favors, you build mutuality — a precursor to trust.

After their follow-up conversation, Vishal and Sonal spent time fleshing out her idea together. At their next leadership team meeting, Sonal presented a better idea because it had benefitted from Vishal’s constructive critique — not his unfiltered criticism. At the meeting, Sonal acknowledged Vishal and his team’s contributions to her proposal.

When you find yourself in the uncomfortable aftermath of a conversation gone bad, follow these steps to salvage the relationship. Anyone can have a moment of poor judgement and angry words, but those who try to repair the damage will emerge with stronger connections to and increased respect from their colleagues.

Sabina Nawaz is a global CEO coach, leadership keynote speaker, and writer working in over 26 countries. She advises C-level executives in Fortune 500 corporations, government agencies, non-profits, and academic organizations. Sabina has spoken at hundreds of seminars, events, and conferences including TEDx and has written for FastCompany.com, Inc.com, and Forbes.com, in addition to HBR.org. Follow her on Twitter.