Dating Maze #336: Jealous Friend

Help! I really dislike my girlfriend's close friend.

Sara and I have been dating for six months, and have serious intentions of getting married within the year. She is a very kind, warm-hearted person, and treats me well. My parents have met her and they like her a lot. I believe she can be a great wife and mother. However, I'm worried about a problem that may get in the way of that happening.

Sara has a close friend who seems to resent our relationship. Since we started to date, the two of them have had a few arguments centered on the fact that Sara doesn't have as much time to spend with her friend as before. I sense a lot of negative jealousy coming from this friend.

I'm also concerned that this friend is a bad influence on Sara because she constantly invites her to go out to bars and clubs – places that aren't part of our lifestyle. As you can sense, I'm also not very comfortable with the friend's personality.

I don't want to be overbearing, but I think it would be much better for our relationship if Sara put some distance between herself and this friend. How do I go about asking her to do this? How concerned should I be about the influence this friendship could have on us in the future?

Koby

Dear Koby,

Yours is the second letter we received today on the subject of jealousy, so it’s obviously an important topic to discuss. You're right that it can stifle a relationship from moving forward. And for this reason we are concerned for all three of you – the friend, for not being able to deal with this change, Sara, for possibly feeling she can’t move forward in life because of the friend’s jealousy, and you, for having this stumbling block placed in front of a relationship that seems to have great potential.

We usually see two forms of jealousy cropping up during dating. You've described one of them – a close friend or relative resents a dater's growing closeness with another person. They feel bad that they don't get to spend as much time with the other anymore, or that someone else is becoming their friend's confidant. They may feel they're losing a closeness they’ve depended upon.

A friend may try to sabotage the relationship.

Sadly, such a person is suffering so much from these changed dynamics that they have trouble being happy for their friend’s new-found dating success. They can only focus on their own loss and may try to recapture the friendship they see slipping away. They may start arguments and accuse the friend of being disloyal, or try a manipulative way to break up the courtship. They may say to the friend, "I don't want to go to the club alone – come with me," in an effort to sabotage the relationship by giving the couple a reason to argue.

There's often another reason for this jealousy. The friend may wish that she, too, was dating someone seriously, and resent Sara for being so fortunate. Sara may sense this, and be sympathetic to her friend's feelings. It sounds like you may be worried she'll feel guilty to have been the cause of her friend's distress, and may start to pull back from you.

Unfortunately, this sometimes happens. A dater can find it so difficult to bear a friend's (or relative's) jealousy that they back away from a promising relationship. Or, they continue to allow the relationship to develop but carry around an internal conflict about the way it’s affecting their friend.

Most of the time, daters understand that when they are developing a deep relationship leading to marriage, their other relationships will change. They will have less time to spend with friends and family, and they'll focus more emotional energy on this new person in their life. Their old friendships may not be as intense as they once were, because they are developing a new, emotionally intimate relationship. The Torah's directive to “leave one’s parents' home and cleave to a spouse” describes an emotional closeness as much as a physical one.

One of the challenges for some in the dating/engaged/newlywed stage is learning how to balance time together as a couple, with pre-existing relationships. They also have to figure out how to handle friends or family a spouse may not get along with. Like every other couple, you and Sara will learn to do this by working together.

That's why you need to talk over your particular situation together. Experience has shown us that, most of the time, the best way to deal with a third party's jealousy is as a couple. We suggest telling Sara you'd like to talk about a sensitive topic and set aside some un-pressured time for your discussion. Your objective is to describe what you've observed, explain why you're concerned, and brainstorm about how you can address the issue together.

You might say something like this:

I've noticed something about your friend, Jane, that I think is important for us to talk about. You and I have been seeing each other a great deal, and I can understand this is hard for her. She doesn't get to spend as much time with you anymore. I see she gets upset that we are spending time together, and I'm concerned this will affect our relationship. Let's brainstorm and figure out what to do about this.

This approach will enable you both to view this as an issue that affects you together. There are several advantages to this, the main one being that you’ll provide emotional support to each other and will maintain your connection while Sara tries to address the problem. You also may have ideas that she won’t have thought of.

As Sara expresses her own feelings about the situation, you may discover that the jealousy has been hard for her to deal with, too, in which case she may appreciate your sensitivity and concern about the situation. It's helpful to keep in mind that the friendship between these two women took years to build and may be a healthy one if not for the jealousy. And, if it's not a healthy friendship, that may come out during your discussion.

The most obvious way to address this situation is that Sara will talk to Jane, expressing empathy for her feelings, and understanding of the fact that they’ve been friends for a long time, and she’s now done something to alter that dynamic. Sara may not even be aware that while she has focused her attention on your relationship and is experiencing the joy of having found the man she may marry, her friend feels left-out and abandoned. She may need to allow Jane to express how she feels, and Sara may even apologize for her role in what has happened.

A newlywed needs to be aware of the effect she is having on others.

Like many “newly-attached” people, Sara may just now realize that she needs to show sensitivity to those who are close in her life. Friends and family can often feel ignored and neglected. A “dater/newlywed” should be aware of the effects she is having on others – albeit unintentionally – and make an effort to stay connected. If Sara used to shmooze with Jane for a half-hour a day, then a voice mail or SMS can go a long way to say: “I’m busy, but thinking of you all the same.” Or, Sara might arrange to get together with Jane for lunch or a movie night from time to time.

Eventually, your relationship with Sara, and relationships with your friends and family will settle into new dynamics. Nevertheless, during the stage of intense courtship/engagement/newlywed, things may be out of proportion and friends and family can understandably be in need of reassurance.

Once Sara and Jane speak, it may not be necessary for Sara to ask Jane to cease whatever is being perceived as negative behavior, because Jane may stop on her own. If it continues, Sara may have to talk about it with Jane, or ask a third party that Jane trusts to discuss the subject with her.

Another option is for you to speak with Jane yourself. You can explain that it seems your courtship has been hard for her, and that you want to make things as comfortable as possible. Express that you hope she can make room for your relationship, just as you make room for her friendship with Sara. This may go a long way to lessening the tension between you and Jane. This probably shouldn’t be your first approach, but it may be something for you to consider once Sara has made progress with her friend.

We also believe it's important for you and Sara to talk about what may happen if this friend continues to act negatively. In that case, if Sara wants your relationship to move toward marriage, she will have to distance herself from her friend. Hopefully, you and Sara will find solutions without having to resort to this decision.

And finally, you'll notice that we didn't suggest mentioning to Sara your concern that this friend has the potential to be a "bad influence." We feel this will be counterproductive, because it will put Sara on the defensive. If it really becomes an issue (and it very well may not), you will need to discuss it at a different time.

Related Articles:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 6

(3)
Michy,
June 29, 2011 2:04 AM

happened to me, too

This is so sad. It happened to me when I met my now-husband. My friend became a witch and wouldn’t even give him a chance. She was so afraid I’d drop her that she dropped me first. I am still a bit hurt although realizing now (4 years later) how destructive she was. Sadly for her, I was going to set her up with one of his friends! So short-sighted and stupid.

Michelle,
July 1, 2011 11:19 AM

response to Michy

Michy, I feel like it's still worth it for you to set her up with your husband's friend because it will help you move past the resentment and it will remove the reason for her jealousy.

Lauren,
July 8, 2011 4:22 AM

response to Michelle

Michelle - i must agree with you. In life, just doing something nice for someone else makes you like them more, which in turn leads you to be able to forgive them easier. Michy's friend (or any single friend) is probably not a bad person - she's just going through an extremely hard time (which is not bringing out the best in her) and like the article said - the dating and newlywed stages are hardest for the single friend is so true. If a married friend would set up a single friend after she got married it would heal a lot of their friendship. (that may have been damaged during the dating) I lived through it as a single and I can say that once the new couple's lives settle down and they find their place "back on earth" things also settle down between them and their single friends. So single gals - just have a drop of patience...I know its not easy! Good Luck to all!

(2)
Anonymous,
June 28, 2011 5:29 PM

what about you?

I hear what you are saying. Not knowing the people involved personally, I cannot comment on that deeply. However, you may also consider that it is Sarah's choice and if she did not make enough time for you, maybe she has some doubts too about you as a future husband. She may feel that "the one" would be more supportive of her friendships outside marriage. Or maybe you need to create space for her friends and family? You can have friends' night by inviting hers and your friends to spend time as a group.

(1)
Mark,
June 27, 2011 3:09 PM

That happened to my wife when we were dating

One of her good friends dropped her due to jealousy. I don't have an easy answer for this but inevitably there is huge chasm between the married world and single world. After a while, you are just not going to have much in common with your single friend any more.

Anonymous,
June 28, 2011 2:22 PM

about the first paragraph...

it kind of bothered me when i noticed that you had written that you like your girlfriend because she treats you well and that you think SHE'LL make a good wife. maybe you should ask yourself the following questions before you consider marriage:
1) do I treat HER well?
2) will I make a good HUSBAND?
i believe that you should focus more on what you could gain the through this marriage by giving, not what you can gain by receiving.
i know this has nothing to do with your predicament but i thought to point this out anyway.
good luck

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...