I can't manage to do anything right ever. No matter how hard I try, or how good my intentions are, everything I ever do is wrong. Maybe one day when I finally die I will have done something right. But upon further reflection I will probably fuck that up too.

I feel so bad right now I feel like I am dying I hurt so bad inside. I don't know what to do. I want to to drink so bad becuase I just want this pain to go away. fuck, I can't breathe, fuck fuck fuck fuck dying this hurts so bad. FUCK I can't breathe I can't I can't. Can't I just fucking die and get it over with so I don't have to feel like this anymore? I swore I wouldn't drink anymore 9 years ago. I swore I wouldn't cut anymore a few weeks ago. And now this. WHAT IN THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!?!?!?!?!??!

If I actually lived the life I was supposed to be living, I wouldn't have to spend so much time/effort/anxiety hiding the life I DO live from my parents. Not that I deserve it, but I could really use all the help that my higher power can give me that this weekend goes amazingly with my parents leaving proud and happy, and none the wiser. Please please ...oh what if this effort isn't enough and they can tell?!?! *PANIC MODE* just breathe.....do what you can, turn the rest over.

*read at your own risk....this is the story of how I have REALLY been doing*

I am not ok, not close to ok. I am very depressed but trying to pretend that I am not because I just want so badly to be "ok". I am on medication for depression but I am also working on seeing about getting in to my psychiatrist to reevaluate because I shouldn't be like this. Basically all I can manage to do every day is go to work. Even that is starting to be harder and harder to do because I can't seem to manage to get myself out of bed in the morning. (I was 20 minutes late to work on Friday because I overslept....I used to get to work at least 10-15 minutes early, now I am lucky if I manage to slide into a parking space and squeak into work just on time) I am exhausted all the time no matter how much or how little I sleep. I can't manage to get myself to take care of myself foodwise or healthwise. I am at the lowest of the low. I am so tired of struggling. I am NOT suicidal. I would not do that, I have seen it first hand and how horrible and tragic it is for people left behind so I wouldn't do that. But I can see why people might do that. Because I just can't seem to try or care anymore about anything. On the other hand I don't trust anyone. Not even myself. All I can think of for the future is staying in bed. When it comes to eating, I just alternate with bingeing and restricting. I feel physically like I am dying. But I am afraid to admit that to anyone, even my parents. (My parents idea if I struggle too much more is either to kick me out of their house so I can just go suffer on my own where they don't have to see it, or have me quit my job and move back to their small town with them and live with them where they can stay on me) I am much more honest with my therapist, except that at times like now when I feel like I am getting worse, I won't see her until Thursday. Like I said above I am trying so hard to pretend like I am fine because to admit that I am not it will change my life too dramatically. I need to keep my job, I need to get my shit together. On the recommendation of my therapist I am reading the book "Get it done when you're depressed" so far I like it, I acknowledge what it says but I can't get myself to do what it says. Like it says if I wait for motivation I will be waitng forever. I know WHAT I need to do, I just can't get myself to do it. Even now as I am writing this, I have things that need to be done around my house, dishes, laundry etc. And all I want to do is curl up and sleep. I am nauseous, I am tired, I am so afraid. I know I need to get help, but like I said I need to keep my job, I need to be able to have some kind of life. I should be able to pull myself out of this. I am taking my medication so I don't understand why I can't. I am not suicidal but I don't want to live like this anymore. I think I am probably just hoping I might eat and sleep myself to death. I can't get myself to exercise, or eat anything that comes close to resembling a well balanced nutritionally sound diet. Much less eat without bingeing. I try to throw myself into situations to help myself, and I get all psyched about it for about 5 minutes and then I just lose it and sink back into non action. I don't even know how to finish this or where to go next. I feel like now I am just talking in circles. Although I know that I am not physically healthy, I feel like this is depression related NOT weight related. I think the weight is just a side effect of the depression and non action. Even if I do go try to get help, I don't think I will be able to get in to see my psychiatrist for at least another week or two. I can also see that I am pulling at addictive behaviors (eating, spending money, etc. I am thinking non stop about smoking again, not as much about drinking mainly because I have told myself that drinking is NOT an option).

I just am ridiculously lost. I want to be better, I want to be "normal" but I don't know how.

*I have done a few good things for myself tonight so I will list them here in the hopes that I can use them to say something good to myself about myself.....

1) I ate an apple tonight and I have been drinking water for the last hour or so instead of soda

2) I took a hot bath with some of my favorite bubble bath

3) I cleaned the (food) trash off of my floor (not food itself, just empty wrappers and bags and such) and put most of my clothes in the closet to wash later

4) I flossed and brushed my teeth tonight before bed.

Now I have to try to get myself to bed at a normal hour, and either get up at 5 am tomorrow and make myself walk, finish cleaning up, shower, eat a healthy breakfast, make a healthy lunch, and get myself out the door by 8:15 am. Or pray that I can stumble out of bed by 7:45 am, shower, grab a bar, throw random food in my lunch bag, and pray that my parents head straight home from the airport tomorrow instead of making a surprise visit here. SIGH

Why am I sitting up waiting for him? Why does it have to bother me so much that he hasn't texted/called/messaged/or otherwise contacted me in days? This development should have made things easier....much much easier. Instead it just makes me sad...

I am such a fucking mess right now, I am surprised I am still functional. Definitely time to get back on my meds. I know they will help me. I just need to get through these next few days and I will hopefully be more myself again. Because seriously this just sucks. My only plan right now is to climb back in bed and just lie there. Boy that just sounds so healthy. :-/

I was at a friend's house today, and I saw a picture of me that she took today that I didn't know was taken. It was horrific. I am so disgusting, fat, just gross. Like when I dressed this morning, I picked my outfit carefully because I picked what I thought would make me look good. It was so depressing to see the picture later and see all of my fat rolls and my fat arms and my double chin. I just feel so gross. I am so tired of being gross. I wish I could just cut the fat out of my body. I would still probably be gross but maybe I wouldn't be quite so gross. UGH anyway it just really hurts tonight. She doesn't even have a scale and so I don't even know how much I weigh right now which sucks. I just feel out of control, I don't know why but I always end up eating WAY too much at her house. I mean not bingeing really, just overeating. Anyway it just sucks and i am kind of an emotional wreck about it tonight. Also, I can't really not eat at her house because she would notice, and because I always am eating around her kids (She has 4 kids) and they would notice if I didn't eat either. UGH I just want to go home

I don't know what to do. I don't want to starve myself but everytime I think about eating I can't deal with it. It makes me so anxious and after seeing that picture, I have no desire to eat because its GROSS!! I AM GROSS!!!!!! If I get a chance, I will post the pic so y'all can see but I don't know if it will work.

I am having food and eating issues again. Always, always, always I feel fat. I am so tired of feeling fat. I had gotten down to 188. I have such a long long way to go but I was starting to do it somehow (God only knows how). Now I have gotten back up to 192.4. I am so hungry but I don't want to eat. If I eat I can't stop. When I eat I get fat. I mean its not like I have really tried my hand at not eating, so its not like I even know that it will work.....well actually I have but its been because of my medication not because of my own willpower. I hate feeling like this I hate it. I can't get away from it. Why does the thought of starving myself and the act of starving myself hold so much power? Just doing it makes me feel like I could fly. And I fucking hate it! I am convinced if I lose the weight from eating healthy foods and exercising it will feel SO much better than if I lose it in by starving myself. And yet I can't get myself to do anything other than sit around and be lazy. I just sit. And eat. And eat. And sit. I can't get myself started. I hate this. I hate hating myself. I hate feeling disgusting. I hate feeling like nothing will ever change. I hate being hungry and being angry at myself for being hungry. Why do I get hungry? Why do I have to feel hungry? Being hungry is like a cruel joke to fat people. And now I am so worked up over it that I can't even eat normally. Because not only am I hungry but my brain is so worked up that it is screaming EAT EAT EAT EAT. So if I go into the kitchen now, even if I try to make good food choices, I WILL end up bingeing on bad stuff. I can feel it. I have now pushed myself over the edge where the only way to get out of this mindset is to numb myself and the only way I can manage to do that right now is to eat and eat and eat until I am full physically and mentally/emotionally. And then we are right back where we started. And I just used the term we when talking about myself, great now I am REALLY crazy. I know why though. Its because my head is screaming at itself. Eat, don't eat, you will be fat, no eat EVERYTHING you want FOOD FOOD FOOD,no I don't I dont' want food food will make me fat. No you want to eat ALL!

SHUT UP JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP STUPID BRAIN! SHUT UP! NO ONE LISTENS TO YOU! YOU ARE WRONG! YOU ARE WRONG! I CAN DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY! I AM STRONG ENOUGH! I WILL GO EAT. AND I EAT WHATEVER I CHOOSE, WHATEVER I WANT AND I WILL BE AWARE OF IT AND I WILL ENJOY IT. I WILL WIN! I WILL BE NORMAL! I WILL BE FREE FROM THIS HELL CONCERNING FOOD. AND LATER I WILL TAKE A SHORT WALK OR DO SOMETHING ACTIVE. I WILL NOT HOLD MYSELF TO A DISTANCE OR A TIME OR ANYTHING. MAYBE I WILL JUST WALK TO THE MAILBOX AND BACK JUST FOR FRESH AIR. AND BRAIN THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU. KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT STUPID BRAIN, NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!!!!!

*collapses in exhaustion and goes to do the dishes, clean the kitchen, and find some food*

Update.....after I posted this, I went and took a bubble bath which at least helped me feel cleaner. Then I did some dishes, and then it was unfortunately binge city sweetheart. I thought that by acknowledging it that I could prevent it but it was not to be prevented today so....unfortunately no progress was made. It will be worse tomorrow when I weigh my stupid, weak, disgusting, fat, self.

I am so beyond rageful right now. I just want to take a bat or something and do some serious damage to stuff. Its not even like that big of a thing that set me off but I just am like so rageful I feel out of control. I am supposed to go to my friend's house tomorrow for a week to help her with her kids for a week. But I can't take the car, I have to take the Metro, SO I have to figure out how and what to pack light for a week since I have to carry it! The car thing pisses me off because we moved a FAR way away from where hubby works. HE KNEW HE WAS STILL GOING TO BE WORKING AT THE SAME PLACE. Our other car is a Jeep. It is NOT economical for him to drive it back and forth because its like $50 in gas per day. So he drives my car. WHICH MEANS I CAN"T DRIVE IT!!!! SO NOW I AM GOING OUT OF TOWN FOR A FREAKING WEEK AND I HAVE TO CAREFULLY PLAN STUFF OUT SO THAT I CAN PACK ACCORDINGLY BECAUSE I AM GOING TO HAVE TO CARRY IT ON MY FUCKING BACK.

Also, I am trying to make sure my husband has everything he needs for the week, and make sure the house is clean in case anyone comes over while I am gone......since it IS messy and really its not our house. We are renting from his PARENTS no less!!!!!! And my husband is playing a fucking video game. And when he is like do you need help, I said no. I SHOULDN"T HAVE TO ASK FOR FUCKING HELP. YOU ARE A FUCKING ADULT. USE YOUR FUCKING EYES, LOOK AROUND AND FIGURE OUT WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AND FUCKING DO IT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Am I lazy?! Hell yes. This is not about me throwing stones. I KNOW I am messy, I KNOW things need to be done. BUT I AM THE ONLY ONE DOING THEM ALL THE TIME. WHILE HE GETS TO PLAY FUCKING VIDEO GAMES AND DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. AND I KNOW I NEED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT BUT HE GETS SO DAMN DEFENSIVE BECAUSE OOH I AM FUCKING NAGGING HIM AND SO THEN HE WANTS TO DO THE OPPOSITE. Its just TOO FUCKING MUCH sometimes. SERIOUSLY. I probably should just say fuck it and only do my stuff from now on. Do my own laundry instead of both of our laundry and worry about putting it away. Buy my own groceries and let him do his thing. But thats not being married. But neither is me doing everything. FUCK. Sometimes I wish I could just fucking start over with someone else, or with him and stand up for myself from the beginning or have higher expectations or what the fuck ever. I cannot handle this.

EDIT: So I totally didn't mean to do this but after I closed this post I went in and calmly explained how I was feeling. He got up and helped and I am trying to get over feeling guilty because I feel like I made him, but now the house looks really good, and I don't feel as anxious about leaving now. So anyway...Still frustrated, but better than I was.....

I am not doing well today....I am mentally, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted and devoid of happiness. I want to wallow. I truly do. And in my opinion. there isn't anything wrong with a good wallow now and then. But for me to wallow today will only continue to make things worse. Instead of wallowing today I made a list.

1. Walk. I went for a walk outside. I walked for 1.19 miles. It was really cold but very soothing because it felt cleansing like it was freezing out all of the bad things.

2. As soon as hubby gets out of the shower, I am going to take a nice long hot bubble bath with some of my favorite lavendar scented bubble bath to help me clear my mind and promote relaxation, wash my face with my favorite face wash, and then use lotion when I get out of the bath as a way to pamper myself.

3. I am going to make myself some peppermint tea.

4. I am going to do a LOT of housework today. Normally I shun this, *small smile* but I know that partially this is why I am feeling so badly and I have the suspicion that if I take care of my house, that not only will I feel accomplished by the end of today, but I will have a good start to my week, and I will feel better emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This includes, laundry, dishes, mopping, vaccumming, changing sheets, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, and budgeting.

5. I am going to find someone and do something nice for them today.

And if I feel up to it and have some time, I am going to check out some Wii dance games or maybe Wii Zumba....

In between all of these things, I am going to strive to give myself positive messages, I am going to pray, I am going to practice patience and discipline, and I am going to have faith and hope that things WILL get better.

He says he just wants me to be happy...but what if my happiness comes at the expense of asking/making him pretend to be someone/something that he is not?

I need so badly to disappear and I have NO where to go. There are no safe places for me anywhere. There are people I trust and love, but to them I cannot go. Not for this. I literally have no where to turn, no one to go to. I have nothing but what the fuck?

I am quitting the 30 day.....at this point its just irritating me. It doesn't come close to touching what is really going on with me. And it just takes away from the eloquence that I want to offer. Not that I am really that eloquent but you get the point. It's more venacular, more fake in a way. Yes its me, and its about me, but its not necessarily about what makes me tick lately or where I am. Where am I, you ask? Well I don't really know myself. I spend my days lately feeling like a fish in very shallow water that is floundering around trying to get to deeper water so that they can breathe. So much thought flows around my head all the time.....much of it deep. I had an interesting conversation with Tim last night about what I want. And whether I don't know what I want or whether I know what I want and am afraid to admit it, or if I know what I want and don't know where to start. It's all of those and none of those, and damned if he doesn't know me SO well which is comforting and scary at the same time....He told me that he sees me in yet another struggle and he is afraid that I have just given up this time. I have overcome so many struggles that he thinks this time I have just given up. He's not too far off there......

I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I want with my life. I think I want some thing but then it either turns out that its not what I expected or it disappoints me somehow and then I end up back at square one. The worst part is that I don't know how to figure out what I want. I don't know if its because I feel like I can't trust myself or if I feel that I will start something and either it won't be what I expected or what. I just know that I have been VERY lost lately with not the slightest clue of how to save myself.

This has led me to make an important but scary and anxiety provoking decison for my health. I am going to call the people I was going to nanny for today and tell them I can't work due to some major health issues. I HATE that I am going to leave them in the lurch, but I have NO business taking a full time job while I need to take care of myself. It will mean having to give up my therapist and whatever else. I just can't do it. At least they have a month in which to find someone else. I am worried this is going to put a stain on my name, but I worry more about what would happen if I took the job and then felt trapped. And better now than start and quit when I am established and they trust me and what have you. But I am DREADING the phone call. I mean beyond belief terrified. BLEAH. Wish me luck and send me strength, I'm gonna need it.

Lots more to say but not sure how to say it right now, so will post again soon.....