Lesbian Scientistics: handicapping “The L Word” spin-off

Have you heard? There is an L Word spin-off in the works, and a possible web series too! Of course you’ve heard: You’re gay, aren’t you? You like to watch girls kiss. Where else are you going to see that happen?

The forums and comments are abuzz with predictions about which character will headline the spin-off, and what stories (if any) the writers have left to explore. Below, we’ll handicap each character’s odds of making past season 6, and we’ll throw in some charts to help it all make sense.

Character: Bette

Odds of spin-off: 250:1

Possible storylines: After she fails once more at monogamy, Bette moves to New York City, where she embraces her identity as a woman so hot audiences don’t mind her perpetual cheater pants lifestyle. She buys an art gallery, marches around in power suits, bosses everyone around, and sleeps with whomever she wants, whenever she wants.

Character: Alice

Odds of spin-off: 10:1

Possible storylines: A 30 Rock/Studio 60 view inside Alice’s job on The Look. If only The L Word spin-off could find a writer who enjoyed exploiting that whole story-within-a-story-within-a-story thing.

Character: Tina

Odds of spin-off: 300:1

Possible storylines: Reeling from yet another breakup with Bette, Tina moves to the south, where her accent comes out full-force. While she navigates life in a town full of people who have never met a lesbian or a bi-racial child, Tina literally takes a page from Jenny’s book. Using the Screenwriting for Dummies guide she once bought, she pens her life story. Filming will take place in the coastal south, Charleston or Savannah, so Tina can exposit her text through dolphins.

Character: Jenny

Odds of spin-off: 100:1

Possible storylines: An Earl-style redemption drama where Jenny tries to make amends for her years of wreaking havoc. First stop: Hollywood Humane Society.

Character: Max

Odds of spin-off: 1,000:1

Possible storylines: When his Match.com profile, which lists his favorite activities as “internet searches” and “podcasts,” fails to bring him true love, Max leaves the self-absorption and hypocrisy of West Hollywood to travel the country with some gypsies in a Volkswagon van. None of them are transgendered, but they find common ground in their love of 5 1/4″ floppy discs and DOS-based computer games.

Character: Shane

Odds of spin-off: 10:1

Possible storylines: Upon realizing that The L Word has been her own personal Groundhog Day, Shane breaks free from the vortex and begins life as a sexy single woman who is capable of more than perpetually sabotaging her life, and the lives of the women she loves. Shane starts her own company that is never — shockingly enough — torched, flooded, or huffed-and-puffed down by a scorned ex-lover.

Character: Helena

Odds of spin-off: 50:1

Possible storylines: Helena speaks often in her sexy accent and has lots of interactions with Holland Taylor. Story can take place anywhere.

Malinda reported live from the TCA that season 6 of The L Word is going to have a “mystery component.” To fully understand the impact of that creative decision, please examine the following chart.

Finally, what should we hope for in a spin-off?

Which character do you think will land the spin-off? What stories would you like to see explored? And, perhaps most importantly, what letter will sponsor Chaiken’s new series? “M” for “Meta” and “Masturbatory Opus”? “D” for “Don’t care, you’ll watch it anyway”? “A” for “Angelica should be the star?” Or are there still more actual “L” words left?