Having a Baby, Building a House or Plastic Surgery Won’t Fix your Marriage

I see many couples who are struggling with their marriage. When I ask them how long the struggle has been going on the answer is usually several years. When I continue and ask them how they have tried to fix it on their own, 80 percent of the time having a baby, building or buying a new house, and/or having plastic surgery are typical answers. Just looking at these possible fixes they have used makes me stressed out.

I cannot imagine trying to fix anything with adding a baby to it, the complications of buying or building a new home, or the pain and down time of having plastic surgery. However, when you are struggling with your marriage, many times you are in a place of desperation and may not be thinking clearly. You are trying to find the answer to what will bring you together more to help secure the future. If your partner feels that there is nothing attaching the two of you, then thinking about a new baby may seem logical. If your partner is nagging you about your weight, breast size or wrinkles, then a facelift, tummy-tuck or breast augmentation may seem logical. If you feel that many of your fights are centered upon lack of space or you’re comparing your home to friends who have nicer homes, then it would make sense that building or buying a home together may bring peace. The truth is none of these things will restore a sick marriage, and most likely will make the impending divorce more painful.

Couples seem to go outward when they are having marital discord. The simple solution is always to go inward, beginning with you first. That becomes very painful for couples, so their tendency to put the “cure” or “fix” on something material makes it more palatable, and also affords them a new focus. Rather than going to counseling and expressing the painful resentment, hurt and pain in order to heal, they move toward getting something new. This may help for a while, but it is almost certainly a Band Aid effect on a deeply infected wound. It may cover the wound so you cannot see the redness, pus, and swelling, but it still hurts, and it will continue to worsen. That baby is going to scream at night, that new house is going to cause more resentment with working longer hours, and trying to agree on décor, and that cosmetic surgery is going to attract more attention, which may cause anger when your partner all of a sudden values you more because of how you look. With all of these “fixes,” the resentment is going to grow exponentially.

There are things you can do when you begin seeing marital discord. I suggest you engage in these 3 suggestions before resorting to a baby, new home or plastic surgery to “fix” your marriage.

Sit down together and admit there is a problem in your marriage. Identifying the issues together will help you both know where the weaknesses are, so you can better focus on solutions.

Words like never, always, should, can’t and won’t are less effective than “I feel statements.” Begin thinking more of the present. What can you do today that will make it better? Couples who begin to think about forever become more stressed. Marriage is a lifestyle, but its strength is in its ability to grow and change with both partners.

Never go more than 12 hours without touching or connecting in some way. The more you touch your partner, the less you talk, and the more you listen, the stronger the marriage. A good rule of thumb is to say one sentence to your spouse’s three. Practice, Practice, Practice.

Seek a good counselor or mediator. It is wise to tell the therapist or mediator up front that you have marital discord and need mentoring with resolving the issues. This way the therapist or mediator can understand exactly what you want. When everyone is focused on helping you resolve the issues, the chances of success are high.

Many of the couples I work with did not have good mentors to resolve marital discord. Therefore, they become panicked when they aren’t getting along. Their mentors (many times their parents) used the “fixes” discussed in this article only to divorce later. There are other options. Having a baby, a new home or plastic surgery can be wonderful events, but not if you end up losing the person you wanted to share them with the most. –Mary Jo Rapini

23 Responses

I have to agree with the notion that “Self care is an integral part of marriage/relationships.” Where i have gone wrong (repeatedly, i’m afraid) is that, once i get into a relationship, i put my partner first, placing him on a rediculous pedastol, and not recognizing that he TOO has responsibilities in the relationship. I sacrifice to a fault, give more than i should, make changes, and then later end the relationship, because of the resentment that builds. Where i think men go wrong also is that, by default, their lives become easier; whereas the female’s life becomes much harder, causing strain. And, when BOTH partners refuse to participate in the relationship, then what’s the point of it all? I think that phases in life also have a lot to do with it. I choose to (here lately, anyway) internally examine the why’s, how’s, etc. of my bad relationship habits and work on solely focusing on me. I have spent too many years making my partners the only focus, and i need to make myself #1 for a while. Men need to also stop looking for female partners to “mother” them. They’re GROWN people, for God’s SAKE!

MissTX – don’t feel bad because you are not the only one who has done this. I too have put men on ridiculous pedestals and made THEIR lives easier. And boy the resentment really built up as they didn’t reciprocate anything at all. I no longer do that. It’s about ME now. The old saying is true – I wish I knew now what I didn’t know then.

It is such a shame that everyone talks about what he did or what she did in a marriage. No one ever realizes that the norms practiced and preached in a society are the ones applied later. The principle of individualism – me, me and me, when practiced for a lifetime just can’t be taken off and hung like a coat to be used later. Since it has fused into the flesh and blood, so whenever something has to be done for the sake of mutual benefit, problems arise.

But you are mostly correct. Individualism in itself is not the problem, but the individual must have a personal value system that involves being part of the bigger picture rather than simply getting what they want. We have a fantasy that happiness happens when we get what we want, but that is empty because we always want more than we have. However, many of us never learn that the old wisdom is still true: it is better to give than to receive. It is more rewarding and makes you a happier person. I don’t mean cutting bigger checks, I mean doing and helping. Treat others in a loving way even when you do not feel much love at the time, and let others treat you in a loving way without resentment, so they, too, can feel the reward.

I’ve been married over half my life – almost 22 years. It is a commitment that isn’t always fun, but then I remember I said for better or for worse. No where in my vows did it say if I get bored, or if it gets too hard, or if I change my mind. I do have to giggle at your “one sentence to your spouse’s 3″. If I waited for my husband to say 3 sentences we’d never talk it out. What I’ve learned is I think too much, and he can’t read my mind. As we’re getting older together, I’ve come to realize he doesn’t know what’s bothering me unless I tell him and I don’t mean gripe about it. Open, honest communication is a must. Get it out – they don’t know unless you tell them.

I can think of several couples who tried, consciously or unconsciously, to “fix” their problems or disappointments in each other/the marriage by buying things that made them feel better about themselves–house, car, etc. Of course, then lack of money becomes one of the problems.

SGH, so true…the best place to put your money if things aren’t going well in your marriage is a marital retreat or marriage counseling. Find a counselor who will teach you different ways to communicate instead of just asking “How you feel.” Everyone can learn to improve their marriage, but you cannot be passive in the process. Thanks for reading and commenting. Mjo

raralatina, I have been married for a long time…it has been the best! That is not to make light of the struggles. My husband is a big part of the marriage success which is why I put a lot of focus on how important it is for men to step up and take marriage as seriously as women. Many women get married and seem to give up the things that made them interesting and happy. They demand more from their husband to keep them happy. This is unfair. Most guys keep taking time for themselves with sports, work outs, etc…after marriage. I want women to do the same. Self care is an integral part of marriage/relationships.

The more I read this column and the comments that follow, the more pleased I am that my spouse agreed to counseling and similar measures after our marriage seemed headed for disaster when the ink on the license hadn’t even dried.

Just this week, my family member told me her husband wants a divorce. They got married after knowing each other for a little over a year. She was pregnant 2 months later. Of course, once they found out, their apartment wasn’t good enough. So they bought a house. Still wasn’t good enough, so yep, it got remodeled. Now she has a precious one year old, and a beautiful home, and a husband who’s sleeping on his buddy’s couch. I want to throttle both of them. Any suggestions there? She’s running to me for advice. The only thing I could tell her was try to get some counseling, on her own, since he refuses to go.

My previous marriage life story. We tried all that and everything else to fix the marriage, I even remember him saying “I’m not going back to the counselor because I’m smarter than them”. Well he’s divorced from his second marriage. I wonder if he still feels so smart!

Having a baby can effectively blot out the fact that a bond between a couple is weak. If they really get into their roles as parents, their glaring inadequacies as husband and wife become less important. Of course, when the child grows up and becomes more independent, the problems with the couple come back with a vengeance.

Respect for the other’s parenting skills may be a lasting positive outcome, though.

You don’t hear from the few whose previously rocky marriages were better with children. The disasters get our attention, and the risk involves the well-being of a child, so it is not prudent to “give it a shot”. However, having a child is a life changing event. It makes grown-ups out of most people, and sometimes, that is what is wrong with the marriage – a couple of spoiled brats got married. The couple who thinks that having a child will make them happy has never had a child. Children bring stress and expense into even the best marriage. However, a child brings something else. A child evokes the less selfish side of ourselves and can put things into perspective. You don’t fret over whether the TV is plasma or LCD as much as whether the pediatritian you trust is on the new insurance. If the marriage you expected between Fabio and Claudia Schiffer did not work out, you may find that you are great at being Ward and June Cleaver.